# Gas-lit?



## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

How did I not learn about this sooner?

Recently, she received a speeding ticket. Whatever. She then told me that she unfriended an old BF from FB. Whatever.

Come to find out that the judge suspended her license and that she is still has the old bf as a fb friend...

When I confronted her, she told me that she was afraid that I would be mad about the ticket (I guess there was a large fine and our insurance went up) and was afraid as to how I would react. In regards to fb (which I never liked), she told me that as far as she was concerned, 'unfriending' means moving the person to a higher privacy setting which prevents the person for seeing one's feed. So as far as she is concerned, she 'unfriended' him...

Now I am wondering: am I really such a jack-ass of a spouse that has his wife scared to be honest or am I being gas-lit? She has a history of lying (i talk about this in an earlier post).

Is the past tense 'gas-lit" or 'gas-lighted'?

Thanks for listening...


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

No that's just being lied to. Being gaslighted is more about making you doubt yourself. If she claimed she never told you she unfriended the guy when. You know she did, that would be gaslighting. 



Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's not gaslighting, just lying. 

My Mothers uses "unfriend" and "unfollowed" as one and the same. I don't know if it's a direct lie. 

I skimmed your other thread, there are always 2 very different viewpoints to those situations. I am of the one where you overreacted so if it were me in the marriage, I would feel a worry confiding in you about things again. 

You would have been mad about the ticket, how do you act when you are upset?


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Hi, you are being gas-lt my friend, totally, a spouse who lies about a ticket is hiding a whole world of other stuff also, FB sucks, it is for mainly the aresholes in life who want to fantasise about how great a life they have when in reality they have no real friends to speak of, it is mainly people who want to try other things and risk a little without seemingly risking anything, a quick contact with an old BF/GF, what is the harm, OK, if it is so harmless then fess up to your partner and show them what you have been saying via FB, of course that isn't going to happen is it, it is the first step of an EA that can quickly be something more dangerous.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If she lied about the ticket and unfriending an XB...... what else is she lying about?

Your spouse is the one person in the world you should be able to trust 110%. Well... what's your % now?

As for the XB.... she may have zero interest in him but love the chase. Key here is... some find it

easy to succumb to the chaser and what they expect out of the "song n dance"

Might need to do a bit of detective work....


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

I have to ask - how fast was she going to get her license suspended?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm not so sure these two instances are gaslighting -- these sound more like straight old-fashioned lying to me.

Gaslighting is more of a manipulation technique, twisting things so much that you begin to question your own reality, your own sanity, and YOU begin to take the blame for HER wrongdoings. For example, twisting the facts and making you believe it's all YOUR fault she got the speeding ticket in the first place! Or it's all YOUR fault she couldn't tell you about the license being suspended and insurance going up. 

If she's good enough at gaslighting, pretty soon you'll be believing it really IS your fault.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

As others have said, I don't really see this a gas-lighting. It's just lying. But, there are times when we protect ourselves from the repercussion of trouble if we know our partner is prone to outbursts. How do you handle anger? Are you the type to lay into someone and verbally abuse them? Or, are you a good listener and understanding? The ticket I see as an issue, but I can see how she might be ashamed to tell you. The ex BF thing I can also understand, assuming she isn't going behind your back to talk to him.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Thank you for the responses! All of you have really helped me to think this through more clearly...

I guess it is possible to feel gas-lit without being intentionally 'gaslighted'....

I am not sure how fast she was going although she did mention 20 over, but I have never heard of anyone with an otherwise clean record losing their license for 20 over. So who knows. I didn't press the issue. When she told me about it, I brushed it off as no big deal. Part of me thought it was an ego thing. She tells me that I am a horrible driver and is critical to point where I just let her drive when we are together. At the same time, I haven't had any tickets nor accidents in well over 12 years.

As far as 'unfriend' and 'unfollowed', she has 'unfriended' others in the past by outright removing them from her 'friend' list and asked me to do the same with those individuals. In regards to ex-bf, she expressly told me she was going to 'unfriend' him after she had recently disclosed a story about him that she later told me was a lie int he first place. Truthfully, the whole friend / unfriend / unfollow is really silly - fb is silly. But I am that big of a jerk that she feels I can't accept the truth? 

I typically am pretty level headed. I did, I am ashamed to stay have a misdiagnosed condition that among other things encompassed horrible mood swings and cerebral degeneration (literally rotted my brain). I have since recovered and am grateful that she stayed with me; however, she is having a hard time accepting the new and improved me. She has been having a hard time trusting me, assuming that my intentions are flawed or rooted in disdain for her. At the same time, my recovery has been miraculous and I am at my own end trying to figure out what else I can do make up for being the way I was when I was ill.

On other hand, she has had a fondness for the occasional tall tale or convenient omission. I used to think that it was just a vestige of her upbringing at the hands of probably two of the most judgemental people I have ever met (mil is an alcoholic and lies). I thought that by loving her and showing her the respect that she has always deserved she would just out-grow all that. Maybe I am not as good of a spouse as I thought / maybe such wounds run deeper that I understood. Either way, I knew this when we met, accepted this when we dated, and chose to commit the rest of my life to her.

If I am brutally honest, I am totally doubting myself, but that may be just as much me as it is her. I guess that I have to trust her intentions. Bonafide gas-lighting would include some malicious blame-shifting intended to abscond responsibility.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You might want to make sure that ticket wasn't a DUI. They take your license for that. They give you points for a speeding ticket. It may have been considered reckless driving over 20 as well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Even if she isnt gaslighting, LYING is not acceptable. People who habitually lie do it for no apparent reason. I have an ex BF who used to make crap up all the time. Took me a while to catch on. I found out he cheated on me with an ex GF, and when I stayed with him after that to try and work through it, he lied about her all the time. (he was still contacting her, and keeping track of her through social media) But aside from that, he just told tales... never seen anything like it. He still does it. I hope your wife isnt this way, because liars dont change, and they cant be trusted.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unless, of course, she procured the ticket either speeding over to see her "FB friend" or speeding away from him to come back home to you to foster some deadline for being home!

This ain't being gaslit ~ it is out and out deception!!*


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

james5588 said:


> Thank you for the responses! All of you have really helped me to think this through more clearly...
> 
> I guess it is possible to feel gas-lit without being intentionally 'gaslighted'....
> 
> ...


FB is the child of MySpace and the grandchild of AOL. We see MANY Ms destroyed via this. and

Care to elaborate? /tall tales/


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you older than her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@james5588 What was the story she told you?

Why did she tell you the story, if it were a lie?

Why did she feel it necessary to unfriend him because she told a lie about him?

Was the story a lie? Or did she lie to you subsequently when she said it was a lie?

You should check the court records about her suspension. You'll probably need to know what happened for the insurance company.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

james5588 said:


> As far as 'unfriend' and 'unfollowed', she has 'unfriended' others in the past by outright removing them from her 'friend' list and asked me to do the same with those individuals. In regards to ex-bf, she expressly told me she was going to 'unfriend' him after she had recently disclosed a story about him that she later told me was a lie int he first place. Truthfully, the whole friend / unfriend / unfollow is really silly - fb is silly. But I am that big of a jerk that she feels I can't accept the truth?


She totally knows the difference between unfriend vs unfollow. She _wants_ to keep this ex in her orbit. And she is willing to lie to her husband to do so. Bad stuff imho.

Furthermore, you both have exercised the concept of boundaries around the marriage to protect it. You've both asked for and agreed to unfriend people who for whatever reason were seen as undesirable. What I'm getting at is that you both clearly understand that it is ok and normal for one of you to see an outsider as a potential problem of some sort and to then ask the other to remove them from FB. This is healthy behavior, because it is protective of the marriage. The person who agrees to do the un-friending is showing they prioritize the spouse and marriage over their own desire to have this person on their social media.

Her choosing to keep this ex on her FB is a direct challenge to all of that. She is seeing how far she can push you. She is hoping she can keep contact with this ex even though she knows it bothers you.

After my experience with my xw regarding one of her exes on her FB, to me this becomes a serious issue nearly a deal breaker in magnitude. Bullying her into taking him off is not the solution, because she should do it willingly. I don't know what to advise other than communicate to her this is a big disappointment and has already done serious damage to the marriage.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You might want to make sure that ticket wasn't a DUI. They take your license for that. They give you points for a speeding ticket. It may have been considered reckless driving over 20 as well.



Yup. I think she's hiding something about the ticket/suspension from you. She very well could have been arrested and bailed herself out. She may have had more tickets than you think and lost her license because of that. Have you checked your insurance? How long did she lose it for?

You need to get your hands on her driving record.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

That's just plain lying on both accounts. She trying to make you part to blame by saying that she did something stupid because she thought you would be mad at something else she did. She won't come to you with a problem without trying to blame you first.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Facebook isn't the problem. Secrecy is the problem. 

I'm guessing this is the same ex bf that when when she confessed she had slept with 4 months *before* you guys were together, 17 years ago, you had a panic attack and total meltdown. 

That would make me worried about confiding in you again about things. 

Lying is bad but we also need to make our relationships a safe place to share. You should be the 1 person she feels she can trust with anything.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Facebook isn't the problem. Secrecy is the problem.
> 
> I'm guessing this is the same ex bf that when when she confessed she had slept with 4 months *before* you guys were together, 17 years ago, you had a panic attack and total meltdown.
> 
> ...


Agreed, but shouldn't you be able to think that you are in a safe place with her and that she won't lie about things that are vital to your relationship? She created distrust and makes you wonder...ok how many more of these were there? What else don't I know? What else were you afraid to tell me about that you lied about?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Agreed, but shouldn't you be able to think that you are in a safe place with her and that she won't lie about things that are vital to your relationship? She created distrust and makes you wonder...ok how many more of these were there? What else don't I know? What else were you afraid to tell me about that you lied about?


 ^Exactly^ That safe place deal is a two way street.


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