# Can Cheaters Change and Become Non-Cheaters?



## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

Would you ever date someone who you knew had an affair in a previous marriage or even multiple Emotional Affairs during marriage?


Is it possible for people who have cheated, particularly multiple times, to change their behavior and never cheat again?


If so, what does that take? Is it essential that they address the specifics of what they did and come to grips with it to learn and get past it? Will they ever change if they refuse to revisit it due to shame or embarrassment?

Thanks


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would not. Though I am not D yet. But when I am single once again and if I found out they cheated I would not care to hear the story.

Can they change? Yes. But I have been burned big time once and I would not want to chance it again with someone who already has a checkered past.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I dont know I think if someone is has some sort of history of multiples EA/PA is the past.. Im not sure if i would be able to trust there morals.. There is no real guarantee if they get bored or have issue in there next relationship that they just wont have a problem of doing it again. Of course people are capable of changing.. But you sure wouldn't find me wanting to find out..


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If someone had a single infidelity in their past that wasn't repeated, and I believed they regretted it, then I wouldn't see it as a stumbling block. After having been through this I don't believe in 100% trust ever, so 80-90% is fine. 

If they had multiple instances of cheating. I wouldn't risk it. They have issues beyond just the cheating.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Would I ever date someone with a history of cheating?

Someone who had a drunken ONS or a very brief EA, was immediately wracked with guilt, confessed it to their partner, did all the necessary heavy lifting possible in an effort to repair the marriage, understands why they did it and actively does whatever it takes to never repeat such a thing? Maybe, but I'd be a very hard sell and trust would be a serious and ongoing issue.

A long-term affair of any type? No.

A serial cheater? Not just no, but _hell no_!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The wisest, kindest, smartest person I've ever met on a forum is a former wayward. She learned her lesson and has spent years trying to help other people.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If cheating occurred in high school or at university, I would hope that that's a learning process. Still you want to see a sense of remorse.

Serial cheating is non negotiable. And imagine if they told you themselves, as if they have no idea that cheating is wrong. The definition of psychopath.


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## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

What is the definition of a serial cheater? More than one affair? Do EA's count? One night fooling around? Heavy flirting?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Is it possible for people who have cheated, particularly multiple times, to change their behavior and never cheat again?



:lol::rofl::smthumbup:
OP is kidding,?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Tommy509 said:


> What is the definition of a serial cheater? More than one affair? Do EA's count? One night fooling around? Heavy flirting?


More than one A of any kind is a serial cheater in my book. If you didn't learn from the first, I wouldn't get my hopes up from a second.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I've done it for 14 years so far.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I think it depends on the ex-cheater. Some certainly learn from their mistakes and can improve/grow as a person into someone worthy of being in a relationship.

WD


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## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

Well, I guess my attempts to have R with my WS mean that I do believe that she can change. But based on my reading on this site, I just might be the biggest idiot on the board so don't go by what I think.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

The vast majority will not resolve to change or get the help they need, because the same character traits that cause cheating are the same ones that deter them from helping themselves.

Selfishness at its core does not lend well to empathy or hard work. Why change if you're selfish? Who cares about the next partner or the current one? Who cares about healthy relationships I want MINE. 

That is my experience.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm going with NO!


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## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

awake1 said:


> Selfishness at its core does not lend well to empathy or hard work. Why change if you're selfish? Who cares about the next partner or the current one? Who cares about healthy relationships I want MINE.


Good point.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Not impossible.. But very improbable.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ovid said:


> More than one A of any kind is a serial cheater in my book. If you didn't learn from the first, I wouldn't get my hopes up from a second.


I didn't learn from my first... but my husband still saw something in me worth sticking around. Glad he had faith in me when others would have condemned me. Had he not, we wouldn't be where we are today. I am one of the (few?) who HAS turned around. Am I 100% trustworthy? Honestly... no. Because I know that there is always that chance I could relapse. But because I am determined to keep that from happening, it increases the trustworthiness (for my husband, not the average person). Does he trust me 100% now? God I hope not. But at this point, just over a year post EA2, I'd be happy knowing he trusts me anywhere from 45-70%... Yea, broad range, but knowing my husband as I do, he is probably on the higher end of that range...while I would be trusting on the lower end. Sigh...I hope that made sense.....


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I'd have to say no. I have been married twice; first husband is an alcoholic and current husband (married 20+ years) had an EA last year that was headed 200mph towards a PA. No doubt he would have gone there had circumstances been different. Honestly, if this marriage doesn't work out I'm not sure I ever want to be with anyone ever again - BUT - if I did meet someone who was either a heavy drinker or had cheating in the their past.....I'm not interested.

The reason I bring up my first husband is because I clearly have a pattern of choosing men who have addict personalities. FOO issues but I'm still responsible for my adult choices, to include both husbands....so I have issues too, just different ones than they do. My issues aren't the best thing ever either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Most cheaters are one time cheaters. They learn their lesson and do not repeat.

Serial cheaters have a serious flaw. I have known of some who stopped cheating, but I would never take a chance on them.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Sure they can.

All cheaters are not inherently selfish either. Now, did they do a selfish act, you bet they did. Does that mean they are always selfish, not always. Every situation is different..every person is different..many people do learn from their bad choices and try to right their wrongs.

Once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater. Just like once you lie doesn't make you always a liar.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

If you are convicted, you can become ex-convict but never a non-convict.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If you meet a man/ woman and they admit they have cheated in the past I would take it as a good sign.
They could very well lie and keep it from you. Your guard will be up but at least they were honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> No.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The answer is not "no" the answer is not "yes." 

The answer is sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

If I became aware of the EAs through discussion with her ... then very likely.

If I became aware of the EAs through discussion with others ... then very unlikely.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I used to hit my wife...I stopped.

Mrs. the-guy use to sleep around...she stopped.

So yes poeple can change not for you but for them selves. And with that it is also up to you to tolorate the same sh1t or not and "just let them go".

Just like it is up to you to tolorate the change and give the wayward another chance.

In short your wayward has their choice and you as the betrayed have your choices!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I myself have had my moments of shame in the cheating world. I can honestly say that I would not do that to my H ever again who has constantly lied and cheated before and after the fact. 

There are people out there who seriously just make a one time embarrassment of themselves, and they do change. But honestly, everyone is different, it's hard to say what drives people to do dumb things.

Now serial cheaters are another matter....I myself would not date or marry another serial cheater ever again


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> There are people out there who seriously just make a one time embarrassment of themselves, and they do change. But honestly, everyone is different, it's hard to say what drives people to do dumb things.


:smthumbup:
That's me. I ask myself - how the hell do I broach me being an xOM with my next love interest. Talk about be embarrassed and ashamed. I will fess up to anyone who will listen though - there are lessons to be learned about relationships through all of this - to make them better and stronger, less likely to fall pray to affairs.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PastOM said:


> :smthumbup:
> That's me. I ask myself - how the hell do I broach me being an xOM with my next love interest. Talk about be embarrassed and ashamed. I will fess up to anyone who will listen though - there are lessons to be learned about relationships through all of this - to make them better and stronger, less likely to fall pray to affairs.


Well, the sad fact is there's a lot of people out there who just wouldn't bother with people involved in A's. I myself could not fall prey to another serial cheater. Those are the ones I would worry about most....because it doesn't matter what you do to try and "satisfy" their needs as a BS. They are interested in the High that comes from having A after A after A. That's a hard act to follow.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

No I would never trust a serial cheater. I have been living with one for years and he would cheat again if he got the chance. I'm not going to kid myself about that. The only thing that has changed is if he does it again I will to.

I think they are sociopaths and they never feel bad about what they are doing. I think my husband doesn't think anything he or other men do is as bad as it would be if a woman did it.

A lot of serial cheaters are addicted to porn. They have to have that high of the first time, someone different. They will also give you a std if you aren't careful.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

That's a good question. I hope the answer to that is yes because I am giving a serial cheater 1 last chance. If the answer to that question really is no then I am wasting my time and that will suck. But if she does something(ANYTHING!) again it's on her, and she will have to live with the fact that she caused our son to grow up from a broken home because I WILL leave her. She has her own desire to change though. She isn't doing it for me or our marriage, she says she is doing this for herself, so she doesn't wind up like her mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thebes said:


> No I would never trust a serial cheater. I have been living with one for years and he would cheat again if he got the chance. I'm not going to kid myself about that. The only thing that has changed is if he does it again I will to.
> 
> I think they are sociopaths and they never feel bad about what they are doing. I think my husband doesn't think anything he or other men do is as bad as it would be if a woman did it.
> 
> A lot of serial cheaters are addicted to porn. They have to have that high of the first time, someone different. They will also give you a std if you aren't careful.


It was pointed out to me a few months ago that I fit the description of serial cheater... mine were EAs. Two of them. You say serial cheaters are sociopaths and never feel bad about what they are doing. That is false. My family would be quick to tell me if that fit me. They don't hold back on those things. And yes, we have looked up narcissist and sociopaths. Neither fits. And I DO feel horrible about what I did. I was fortunate that my husband chose to give me another chance... one I did NOT deserve, even after he started to do the same thing.

As for porn... nope. I find it absolutely repulsive. Unless it shows up in spam or attached as a virus/spyware, there is NONE in this house, and if it ever shows up, it will be tossed out immediately. We both are repulsed by it.

My point is that even serial cheaters can reform... but as with a one time cheater, they have to actually want to and be willing to do the work to stay on the right path.


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