# Separated, needing adivce PLEASE...



## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

My wife suddenly walked out on me back in March after nearly 10 years together. Within 2 weeks, she had gotten her own place and filed for divorce. We are now in the 90 day state-mandated waiting period. We were best of friends, inseparable, and now she's gone.

There is another person she is interested in and pursuing. She says she is totally at peace with her decision. She also says that while we were best of friends, that's all it was to her and she needed more than just friendship in a marriage.

She has since changed her phone number and I don't know exactly where she is living, although from things she has said by email I'm pretty sure she is living with this other guy.

We are both Christians. Early on, I made my position clear that I didn't want the divorce, that we needed counseling, and to at least try. She roundly rejected any talk of trying to save the marriage, saying she was entirely no longer interested whatsoever.

My question to you is should I just leave her alone about it? I feel I was a very good and loving husband to her, but I had my faults. I have been thinking that I should send her an email apologizing for certain things, and letting her know again that the door to reconciliation is open if she wants to walk through it. My fear is that by apologizing, I am validating her behavior, and that by bringing up the subject of "us" again, I will only put her on the defensive and push her away more, if that was possible.

I am also tempted to write her an email asking her specifically why she left. The reasons have been rather vague to this point, but I am afraid to ask her, because if it's something that I did or was oblivious to, I don't know how I could ever forgive myself. Yet not knowing is equally as torturous, as I am consumed with what-ifs and such.

You should know that she has a very troubled past, and a history of waking out abruptly on relationships. She walked out on me one other time in the past, before we got married, but came back after a few months.

Any advice would be appreciated!


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

My suggestion would be to leave the door open, it is great that you sent her that email telling her what you feel and you are leaving the door open for reconciliation. Now it is up to her. If it's meant to be it will be and after you state your position, there is nothing else you can do or say that will make her come back to you.

Right now she is living a different life let time pass but do not place your life on hold be realist and do everything you can to learn from this experience. Keep yourself busy.

Go to counseling, it is great to talk to somebody about all this. Be patient but also do not overthink this.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

Thanks STBXHMAYBE. I haven't actually sent the email yet...I guess that's what my question was, but I see your points. I am just scared that anything I say or do at this point will be seen as needy or pushy, and may have the effect of pushing her further away.

Man, what a mind bender.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I understand you, but respect her decision for time and space. She also needs to find herself after the experience. 

It is up to her to find her way back home, remember she may like the place she is right now, let go with love. If you resent her, hate her, etc it will be more difficult to overcome this situation because instead of feeling peace and acceptance, you will turn angry and resentful.

Those feelings will not allow you to be happy until you let go of them. At the end you won't feel remorseful because you did everything you could to reconcile, and you should be proud.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Sorry for your predicament 'whoamI'..but know this...once a woman has decided to physically leave her spouse she left emotionally long before that...doesn't sound like you have children which would make it even tougher than it is...her reasons for leaving valid or not are valid to her and no amount of apologizing will do any good except give you a little peace of mind...this scenario is played out everyday and only the names change..This is a time for self examination..and I agree with 'stbxh' go to self therapy...just know thousands of men go through this everyday..you're not alone...I know nothing will make you feel relief but you stated your christian so pray for your own peace of mind...it happened to me after 17yrs of marriage and 2 daughters..out of the blue she said "I'm unhappy and need to get away".."we great at parenting and better roommates...but"...woman can be vicious intentionally or not..good luck because the emotional rollercoaster ride is not pleasant.


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