# "Retail therapy" vs. getting gifts from your husband



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Question for the ladies: How do you balance out your desire to buy for yourself with allowing your husband to buy you something? (Don't laugh at me ... you know who you are who want to laugh at me right now ... If you feel a desire to laugh, then tell me how you would balance it out if it were something to be balanced in your household.  )

I'm curious because this is one area where I really wish I'd get a chance a little more often. Before you read on, this is absolutely NOT a complaint – just something I would like to do a little more often and better.

My wife manages our household finances, and I have no problem with that – she’s fantastic. We make decisions together on major purchases, but she makes decisions on everything in the household and clothing departments. She buys everything for me from my underwear to my house shoes. 

I go shopping with her. I don’t like shopping really, but I do like getting out of the house with her, especially when going to her ethnic grocery stores. I always look for things to buy her, but when we’re together, she will always object and tell me to not spend the money.

Recently, because I never got a chance to buy for her, I talked to her about giving me more than just my lunch money each payday. I asked her to give me an allowance I could save and buy things for her. She agreed. However; I still have a problem … she doesn’t tell me much of what she wants, and when she does tell me, I need to make plans on going to buy it. Before I get a chance to buy it, she will go and buy it for herself, then apologize to me for spending money on herself. She will especially do this if she gets stressed – she engages in what my daughters call “Retail therapy.”

First of all, *I LIKE IT* when she spends money on herself. *I WANT HER* to spend money on herself. I think *SHE DESERVES* to spend money on herself, even for things she may not really need. Our household finances are GREAT and she absolutely should NOT feel guilty about spending on herself. But her shopping habits crowd out every chance I have to buy for her – she just beats me to it.

Today, when we were shopping, she joked as we walked by the diamonds that I needed to focus on the jewelry. (Since I just asked her to tell me what she wanted, I’m beyond hope if I missed that one.) I’m very happy to focus on that jewelry, and in about one more payday, I’ll have enough of my allowance to focus there quite nicely. But is this it? I mean, I’d like to buy things a bit more frequently and give them to her as gifts, or sometimes take her shopping and buy what she wants for her. I think I could still manage to get nice jewelry sometimes … but I feel like I’m competing a bit with the “Retail therapy” … and I’m not winning. This is not going quite as well as I had hoped when we discussed this allowance idea. 

I’m not making any judgments on anybody, I’m just wondering how other ladies would handle balancing it out if in our position. Who knows … I may find many ladies need the retail therapy more than they need gifts.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Had a bit of retail therapy today!! Found some very cute stuff  I prefer retail therapy to gifts....I like to shop, I like hunting around for unique clothes/jewelry, I went into a store today with a friend that I had forgotten was even around here, it's more of a stoner store LOL but I found the most _beautiful_ shirt that I had ever seen, and I bet when I wear it out next weekend, nobody else in the bar we're going to will have it on, that makes me feel good  

Idk gifts are ok, before my H I was engaged to a guy that gave me gifts _all_ the time, and it was pretty stuff, stuff I liked, but I much prefer the satisfaction I get when shopping for myself, finding things....

On the flip side, I do no shopping for my H, he does it all himself. He'll ask my opinion on shirts once in a while, but not often. I don't even attempt to buy him clothes, when he needs them, he gets them....and when I want them I get them :lol:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

shy_guy,

A lot of Asian women are happy and content if their husbands are faithful, respectful, responsible, and loving. 

They don't care much about gifts after they get married. We don't have this gift giving culture after we get married, especially when she is managing your money! We buy what we need!

I don't want my husband to buy me gifts either. If I want something, I just tell him, and we go out together and do the shopping. I don't want him to go out alone and get me something I don't like. If he gets me something I don't like, I view that wasting money. 

It's great that you want to buy her gifts and make her happy. I think she is already happy and content with you. 

Take her out and buy her a piece of jewelry, she will be very happy.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I have always preferred random gifts. BUT I am a gift person.

I will see something that reminds me of someone and have to buy it for them, even if it's little. My brain also catalogs things people mention they like, or miss, or whatever so if I see it, it's an instant trigger whether I'm even on good terms with that person or not.

I always did random gifts for my ex. I once bought him a book of records of..Tchaikovsky because that's one of his favorites and I happened upon it lol, it was right after a fight too and I could not stop myself from buying it even though I was still mad.

Just the thought that you saw something and it reminded you of me so much you had to buy it for me makes my whole day 

I litterally have to force myself to buy things just for me, I've been working on it, but its hard. So I've always preferred random gifts for no reason.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

shy_guy said:


> My wife manages our household finances, and I have no problem with that – she’s fantastic. We make decisions together on major purchases, but she makes decisions on everything in the household and clothing departments. She buys everything for me from my underwear to my house shoes.


 This is how our family is run also ...I manage it all. My husband probably hasn't written a check in years. We also sit down and discuss all the pros & cons of every major decision or large purchase...... I then do my research finding the best deals to be had & gather up what we need. I am the researcher & the online shopper for everyone in our household. If we shop in our area, he goes with me generally. 

This works for us very well . 



> I go shopping with her. I don’t like shopping really, but I do like getting out of the house with her, especially when going to her ethnic grocery stores. I always look for things to buy her, but when we’re together, she will always object and tell me to not spend the money.


 I'm alot like your wife, cheaper than my husband, ha ha -He tells people I can squeeze a dime out of a nickle. Yesterday our 14 yr old wanted a $800 TV, didn't like the sound of that- I think he is getting carried away wanting this "picture in picture" feature... Dad walks in the room, he says ...."Will you buy something that costs $800" ....and he replies back 
"sure".... without even wanting the details . I was making fun of that, saying "See...you need me to put the brakes on this stuff". Just some bantering back & forth. We have the money, we might even get it for him - they don't ask for much, they are great kids. But yeah, I'll be reading all of amazon's reviews soon, seeing if I feel it is worth the money.

I think that is wonderful that you WANT to surprise her with a few special gifts though - I am assuming she is not a gift type person -love language wise -since she puts the breaks on you though when you are out & about. It is nothing she feels she is missing in life, anyway. 

I am not a gift person either. I kinda enjoy the freedom to buy what I want when I want & don't need him to surprise me , though other surprises are very sweet. I seriously would rather him send me a personal email or write a little letter to me -over a gift anyday. 

But looking back...I think the only thing I have ever complained about was...why didn't he ever surprise me with some HOT lingerie in the past. (though I never cared back then). I think that might have been a little exciting, could have sparked our sex life up a little, kind of a hint -hint on his part. 

His response was.. I am always with him, when did he have time to shop & he didn't feel I needed any (sweet one). But so true, he didn't get off alone to shop, we always did to together, since the time we started dating. 

I know Shy Guy... you have opportunity, with your traveling ....to get away... and shop to your hearts content. 



> *Greenpearl said *: I don't want my husband to buy me gifts either. If I want something, I just tell him, and we go out together and do the shopping. I don't want him to go out alone and get me something I don't like. If he gets me something I don't like, I view that wasting money.


I think exactly like you Greenpearl ....I bet Shy Guys wife does too. What do you think Shy Guy? I bet she really apprecaites the fact you go shopping with her.... I love to have my husband by my side. When we were younger, we shopped so much, now I find shopping so boring, I just want to get home... so many more exciting things to do...but we have to take the time to shop...to live.

There is one question I don't understand Shy Guy....sounds like you have her give your a *cash allowance*...why do you need to save up the cash...you don't use credit cards ? We use 2 credit cards for every purchase under the sun including groceries to taxes, even paid for our last 2 used cars like that... I always find the cards with the largest $$ perks, make about $300 a year off those Chase credit cards, always pay in full as soon as the bill hits my mailbox. Unless that doesn't work for your budget.

Go jewery shopping - buy something you would love to see her wear and tell her that, what could warm her heart more.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your post sounds like something right out of the 5 love languages. In that, you perceive or want to give your wife gifts as an expression of your love, but gifts are not really the thing that she wants from you.

For fun, you and you wife can take the assessment here:

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

I scored so low on the assessment for gifts - it was eye-opening. The most heartfelt gifts for me from my H have had one of two characteristics - they were totally unexpected and indicated that he had been paying particular attention or they were something that he had crafted together himself.

An example of the first, is me mentioning something just casually or in passing "Oh isn't that cute" or him just observing me looking at something. It can be as simple as admiring a pretty gee-gaw at the mall and then finding it unexpectedly under my pillow a week later. He observed, he went out of his way, it was a total surprise, it showed he cared.

An example of the latter...and this is really hard for my H and are the items that I cherish the most from him because my top love language is words of affirmation...when he would slip a hand-written note under my pillow. In November I had surgery and had to get to the hospital very early. But, when I got home late that night and crawled in to bed, there was a card under the pillow - handmade - it was a piece of plain white card stock and he had written the note and drawn flowers down the edges of it. I cherish that piece of white paper more than any golden bauble he could give me.

Find what speaks to your wife...you won't be disappointed.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I see all the answers, and they are ALL read and appreciated. There are a few I'm going to respond to specifically or ask further questions on, but I'm reading and thinking about all of them.



greenpearl said:


> shy_guy,
> 
> A lot of Asian women are happy and content if their husbands are faithful, respectful, responsible, and loving.
> 
> ...


I focus mostly on her as an individual, and her culture is different from yours, but there are some similarities I see in the answers where we have interacted. I wondered: Do you manage the finances in your household? How common is it for the woman vs. the man to manage the finances where you are from?

Some of the other things you are bringing up I'm going to answer or ask further questions when I respond to Enchantment.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I know Shy Guy... you have opportunity, with your traveling ....to get away... and shop to your hearts content.


I don't travel as much anymore, but when I do travel (or did travel), almost all of my time is focused on work. I usually take time to buy a souvenir, so there is an opportunity ... This week, I am travelling (working in Cancun ... who does that?). This is only the second trip this year for me. She can't go on this trip because of a couple of reason: Our daughter's wedding is less than 3 weeks away so our son can't afford to miss school for both.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I think exactly like you Greenpearl ....I bet Shy Guys wife does too. What do you think Shy Guy? I bet she really apprecaites the fact you go shopping with her.... I love to have my husband by my side. When we were younger, we shopped so much, now I find shopping so boring, I just want to get home... so many more exciting things to do...but we have to take the time to shop...to live.


I believe she appreciates it. I really enjoy taking a break, sitting in the coffee shop with her, and talking when we do this. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> There is one question I don't understand Shy Guy....sounds like you have her give your a *cash allowance*...why do you need to save up the cash...you don't use credit cards ? We use 2 credit cards for every purchase under the sun including groceries to taxes, even paid for our last 2 used cars like that... I always find the cards with the largest $$ perks, make about $300 a year off those Chase credit cards, always pay in full as soon as the bill hits my mailbox. Unless that doesn't work for your budget.
> 
> Go jewery shopping - buy something you would love to see her wear and tell her that, what could warm her heart more.


This is the part I really wanted to answer here . 

She has the details in hand SO WELL that almost all of my possibilities have unintended reactions ... 

I have credit cards. I use them to get gas, or to pay for things when we shop together sometimes. However; she has the budget fully planned out including the major purchases we are planning together. If I buy her something on the credit card, the first reaction in her mind is to start thinking what that might have affected in the budget ... that takes all the fun out of giving or getting a gift. We spend on things like my hobbies, but that involves us discussing how much I want to spend first. That discussion is great for hobby spending or for when we go out for an evening, but when I want to buy her a gift, I don't want to have that discussion first.

I have points on the corporate credit card from when I travel or take care of other business, rewards from the hotel and airlines, but I usually use these for vacations ... or for putting family up in hotels when everyone needs to be at a wedding . 

She loves orchids, so for her birthday this last year, I took money out of my lunch money and bought her an orchid. This was easy to do, but the first thought was that I wasn't eating right ... so I had to take some time to settle that down and explain my eating habits before she could enjoy the orchid. She's a sweetheart, and the worry about my welfare is part of her personality.

So I came up with the allowance idea. This way, it takes the money out of the budget, and therefore out of her mind. If I use it to buy her something, it's already paid for in her mind, and she doesn't need to worry that I'm not taking care of myself, or something else. I thought it would make for occasions when I could give her something without the worry.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Your post sounds like something right out of the 5 love languages. In that, you perceive or want to give your wife gifts as an expression of your love, but gifts are not really the thing that she wants from you.
> 
> For fun, you and you wife can take the assessment here:
> 
> ...


I'm going to admit that I've heard of the five love languages but have never looked into it much. The reason I never have is that the way it was explained to me always involved categorization in a way that I'm not comfortable with. But when I look at what I do with answers here, I have to admit that there is some aggregation and categorization in my processing, then I move on to individualizing it. I could do the same with the five love languages.

But really, I'm going to admit this is probably a need of mine as much as a need of my wife's. The words I used when we discussed the "allowance" idea were, "Don't always take my opportunities. Let me romance you more, and take care of you sometimes." I think that level of need on my part has increased in my current stage of life. I feel a definite need to show appreciation. Speaking her love language is important with that I'm sure, but there is a need/desire to go beyond what I already do ... at least sometimes. The issue is that I don't get a chance to do that even sometimes.

In the times where I have gotten her a gift, it has always become a point of pride for her. I can hear her discussing it and showing it off when her friends come over. (Well, there are some things I buy that are not appropriate to show off to friends ... but those are also budgeted and discussed before I buy them.) My position is that some of my avenues of expression to her seem to be cut off by her efficiency. I remember you joining in discussing in the "Don't give us hints" thread about just how bad I am at ever catching a hint ... I try, but I usually miss them. When she tells me that she needs something and I say I'd like to buy it, I would like to get the chance to buy it, and I'd really like the chance to express things like how I think it would look on her when those things are appropriate. I'd like for her to enjoy it and not worry that she spent money on herself ... 

I don't know, maybe it is for me more than for her. I thought I had a way to do this, and maybe I do. I probably need to pay attention to the things like her telling me to focus on the jewelry and take the opportunity to get things like jewelry for her. It's different from what I had envisioned originally, and I won't be able to get gifts as often as I had hoped, but it's what she's telling me right now.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

shy_guy said:


> I see all the answers, and they are ALL read and appreciated. There are a few I'm going to respond to specifically or ask further questions on, but I'm reading and thinking about all of them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


In our household, it's me who is managing money. 

My husband trusts me. I have helped him save a lot of money. He used to be a spender, spent whatever he made. Now he lets me manage his money, and we save a lot every month. I have a job also. 

Taiwan is not much different from the USA. It's very westernized. Some couples have different bank accounts and each manages his or her own money. In some families, the wives are in charge of the money. In some families, the husbands are in charge of the money. Some people hid money from their spouses. Problems Americans have Taiwanese have them too. But one problem Taiwanese don't have is feeling sorry for themselves that they don't get gifts from their spouses.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I go shopping regulary.. annually.

The other 364 days of the year I do my best to stay away, so does H. I food shop and I quite like hardware store and garden centres but that's about it.

A comman 'gift' I get from hubby is something like the beautiful shell he finds on the beach to add to my collection or a piece of driftwood for me to attach plants to.

I also love butterflies..sometimes he will come home with a picture,or a t-shirt or a note book with a pretty 'flutterby'.

Best gift H can give me is his undivided time and attention.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

This stirred up memories for me. When our 25th anniversary was approaching, I found some diamond earrings on sale online. I bought them because the price was too good to pass up, and my husband was miffed because he wanted to get them for me. So he went and bought a bigger diamond necklace to go with the earrings.

I too am a saver, and I do not crave gifts. I would rather buy things for myself that I know I will like. Pat yourself on the back for choosing such a wonderful wife!


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm a little surprised at the mixture of answers I got. That's all good, though. I thought I would get a few answers from women who would prefer getting gifts. What I have here is good for me to read and contemplate, though. 

loverherman, yes, I'm smiling ear to ear because of the lady I have. I'm absolutely not complaining. I just like to do nice things for her, or take care of her. I get opportunity to do those things, but sometimes, I want to add some variety or expand what I do. 

Update on the jewelry, though ... when I started talking to her again to be sure I heard correctly, it turns out that the "hint" I thought I got wasn't really a hint after all. She was joking for real and the joke was mostly for the benefit of the people who were with us at that particular moment. When she gets down to talking about things that she would really like to have, she showed me a nice set of cutco cutlery. Most times, I wouldn't like to give that as a gift since it is something that would be used for everyone's benefit, but in this case, she loves cooking and takes a lot of pride in it ... so I can view that as a set of tools she can take pride in. I can understand that. I'm glad I asked.

Feel free to continue to post. I would still like to continue to hear opinions from people. I guess at this point I should learn from what I'm hearing, especially from the ladies who manage their household finances. I'll work with her on it ... (but I still want to buy her nice things that are just for her ...  ).


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Shoes, clothes, perfume, jewelry, those are mine to buy.

Flowers, candy, favorite foods, lingerie...if dh purchases those, love it.

I like it when he'll do things like bringing home Chinese for us to eat late at night, or taking me out for ice cream, just the two of us.


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