# Thinking of breaking up today.



## Hexagon6 (8 mo ago)

I'm thinking of breaking up with my wife today. The thing is that she appears to be suffering with fairly serious depression, but she won't get help for it and actually becomes very narcissistic and abusive in various forms including being extremely spiteful and blaming. She thinks it is all my responsibility and our children;'s that her life is so awful that she can't carry on, but it just looks to me like she's adopted the same negative, hard-done-by beliefs as the rest of her family. I did once lay it down to her that she had a medical issue and told her she needed to go and see the doctor instead of blaming me and expecting me to fix all her issues. She did go on anti-depressants and things were much better, but she came off them without finding another way of coping with life's stresses and things became worse than ever.

We nearly ended up splitting up entirely, but instead we've been trying out co-parenting and giving each other space and independence and treating the smaller amount of time we spend together with value. She said she loved me and wanted things to work out. It was working out really well for a few weeks, but (but, but, but...) something bad happened and then she blew everything up. She pooped all over everything good that has happened, and complained about some nice, considerate things that she actually chose to do for me and appeared to choose to do without resentment. She thinks everyone else is totally selfish. I'm not allowed to have needs of my own.

One of the issues I have is that our relationship has been essentially sexless for years. We hardly ever have sex - like months pass in between and that's not enough for me and makes me feel hurt. When we do, my wife says she likes it and wants to do it more often, but only when she's not tired. One of the issues that came up previously is that she doesn't like to be the only one who initiates sex, (but, but, but, but...) , she is mostly immediately spiteful or later critical that I am being a sex pest when I do try. I've just made the mistake of trying to initiate sex at a time of day when she's says she wants to do it, because she is not usually too tired and she got angry and was unkind to me. I spoke to her about being unkind later and said she could find another, less harmful way of speaking to me, but she just told me how inconsiderate I was for waking her up too early (before the kids got up) and how it was proof how selfish everyone around her is. I would have thought a better reason for her to complain, was if I did what quite a few other guys eventually do in my situation, which is have an affair.

Since we're already doing this co-parenting thing, which was supposed to try and fix our relationship, should I break up? She doesn't value our relationship and appears to return to bitter and twisted ideas and beliefs. May be I need to find another, fulfilling relationship, before I'm too old to do that. I'm just concerned about her mental state that she won't get help for - she wants me to rescue her instead - and that it's just going to prove her negativity is appropriate. I've tried everything I can for years. What to people think?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You could say that unless she goes back on the anti depressants you can't carry on in the marriage and will have to end it. Then she has the choice.


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## Hexagon6 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You could say that unless she goes back on the anti depressants you can't carry on in the marriage and will have to end it. Then she has the choice.


Thank you. I think that's a good suggestion, but I feel bad about asking someone to go on medication and I think it's only a sticking plaster for a psychological issue around how her family reacts to stress. Maybe I need to request that she gets some sort of help.

I'm a bit stuck with saying to her our relationship is dependent on something. This is partly because she has periodically threatened our relationship in order to get her own way and I don't want to be like that myself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Hexagon6 said:


> Thank you. I think that's a good suggestion, but I feel bad about asking someone to go on medication and I think it's only a sticking plaster for a psychological issue around how her family reacts to stress. Maybe I need to request that she gets some sort of help.
> 
> I'm a bit stuck with saying to her our relationship is dependent on something. This is partly because she has periodically threatened our relationship in order to get her own way and I don't want to be like that myself.


She needs to get treated again with anti-depressants and she needs to see a therapist. These would be my "conditions" for remaining married. She needs to show the will to help herself and help the marriage. Won't be easy. Personally, I believe it's a lost cause now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hexagon6 said:


> Thank you. I think that's a good suggestion, but I feel bad about asking someone to go on medication and I think it's only a sticking plaster for a psychological issue around how her family reacts to stress. Maybe I need to request that she gets some sort of help.
> 
> I'm a bit stuck with saying to her our relationship is dependent on something. This is partly because she has periodically threatened our relationship in order to get her own way and I don't want to be like that myself.


You may never get her to change so drastically as to face the unhelpful ways she deals with stress, especially as that's how she was bought up. However, medication would helpfully enable you all to cope as it did before. Why do you think she came off it?
Are you actually living apart right now?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The proper medication does treat anxiety and depression.
These are tricky to dose.

Ooh, one side effect of these meds is that loss of libido. 
Um, she cannot lose what she does not have (a sex drive). 

What is the upside?
I see none. 

Consider divorce. 
Hope is not on the visible horizon.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How old are your children?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hexagon6 said:


> I'm thinking of breaking up with my wife today. The thing is that she appears to be suffering with fairly serious depression, but she won't get help for it and actually becomes very narcissistic and abusive in various forms including being extremely spiteful and blaming. She thinks it is all my responsibility and our children;'s that her life is so awful that she can't carry on, but it just looks to me like she's adopted the same negative, hard-done-by beliefs as the rest of her family. I did once lay it down to her that she had a medical issue and told her she needed to go and see the doctor instead of blaming me and expecting me to fix all her issues. She did go on anti-depressants and things were much better, but she came off them without finding another way of coping with life's stresses and things became worse than ever.
> 
> We nearly ended up splitting up entirely, but instead we've been trying out co-parenting and giving each other space and independence and treating the smaller amount of time we spend together with value. She said she loved me and wanted things to work out. It was working out really well for a few weeks, but (but, but, but...) something bad happened and then she blew everything up. She pooped all over everything good that has happened, and complained about some nice, considerate things that she actually chose to do for me and appeared to choose to do without resentment. She thinks everyone else is totally selfish. I'm not allowed to have needs of my own.
> 
> ...


So if you did “break up”, what would change? I’m not clear on your relationship status as it is, as opposed to the next step of a seperation. And I assume the next next step is legal divorce?

What was the “something bad” that happened and set her off?

I‘m kinda getting a sense of you being pulled toward something else… do you have another love interest already? Or maybe it’s just the allure of what could be.

I agree with the other voices here…treatment or divorce.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

While I think medication may help her with depression and anxiety, it seems like this has become the excuse for her abuse. In my opinion, she sounds emotionally abusive from what you’ve shared leaving you to walk on egg shells. In the end, people have choices, I’m not sure why we feel that marriage requires us to tolerate any and all behaviors that we wouldn’t tolerate from a friend, sibling or parent. While I don’t care for “ultimatums,” you may have to be really blunt and honest that things need to change between you both (this doesn’t put it all on her medicating or not) or you think it’s best you move on. 

I can only imagine what going through a divorce with an abusive personality must be like, though. 😔 It won’t be easy but if you stay, your own self worth will erode more and more every day. Sorry it’s come to this point in your marriage.


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## Hexagon6 (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> So if you did “break up”, what would change? I’m not clear on your relationship status as it is, as opposed to the next step of a seperation. And I assume the next next step is legal divorce?
> 
> What was the “something bad” that happened and set her off?
> 
> ...


I don't have any other interests, although I sometimes think about what it might be like in order to build myself up again.


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## Hexagon6 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> While I think medication may help her with depression and anxiety, it seems like this has become the excuse for her abuse. In my opinion, she sounds emotionally abusive from what you’ve shared leaving you to walk on egg shells. In the end, people have choices, I’m not sure why we feel that marriage requires us to tolerate any and all behaviors that we wouldn’t tolerate from a friend, sibling or parent. While I don’t care for “ultimatums,” you may have to be really blunt and honest that things need to change between you both (this doesn’t put it all on her medicating or not) or you think it’s best you move on.
> 
> I can only imagine what going through a divorce with an abusive personality must be like, though. 😔 It won’t be easy but if you stay, your own self worth will erode more and more every day. Sorry it’s come to this point in your marriage.


I think you can see what's going on here. It seems when our relationship is more distant, that things are much better and we are very attracted to each other and matched in many ways. Unfortunately, when we get more involved again the behaviour appears again.

There's a lot of nasty things going on in her family at the moment and it acts as a trigger for her. It might be we have to find a way of staying amicable and making the situation best for the kids. It makes me very sad we don't seem to be able to work things out, because we love each other very much, but my wife comes from a family where people are untrustworthy, controlling and abusive and I think it makes it difficult for her to not fall into that way of being herself with people close to her.

Its very painful for her when she looks at how she behaves and the impact it has. She gets afraid I won't put up with her anymore and that I will leave her, but this relationship is totally destroying me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hexagon6 said:


> I think you can see what's going on here. It seems when our relationship is more distant, that things are much better and we are very attracted to each other and matched in many ways. Unfortunately, when we get more involved again the behaviour appears again.
> 
> There's a lot of nasty things going on in her family at the moment and it acts as a trigger for her. It might be we have to find a way of staying amicable and making the situation best for the kids. It makes me very sad we don't seem to be able to work things out, because we love each other very much, but my wife comes from a family where people are untrustworthy, controlling and abusive and I think it makes it difficult for her to not fall into that way of being herself with people close to her.
> 
> Its very painful for her when she looks at how she behaves and the impact it has. She gets afraid I won't put up with her anymore and that I will leave her, but this relationship is totally destroying me.


It’s often the dynamic in abusive relationships. Also, every single one of us has a backstory. Some worse than others but she has to want to break the cycle of abuse that she has “inherited.”

The cycle of abuse tends to look like this - she gets afraid, then she stops abusing you, you are great for a time, and then it begins again when she thinks you’re not going anywhere. I’ve been involved with men like this and they too had backstories but I didn’t want to be their emotional punching bag anymore.

No matter how much love you show your wife, she has to want to change. I hope you figure out what to do and that you don’t just accept this as a way of life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> The proper medication does treat anxiety and depression.
> These are tricky to dose.
> 
> Ooh, one side effect of these meds is that loss of libido.
> ...


Great advice…..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hexagon6 said:


> I think you can see what's going on here. It seems when our relationship is more distant, that things are much better and we are very attracted to each other and matched in many ways. Unfortunately, when we get more involved again the behaviour appears again.
> 
> There's a lot of nasty things going on in her family at the moment and it acts as a trigger for her. It might be we have to find a way of staying amicable and making the situation best for the kids. It makes me very sad we don't seem to be able to work things out, because we love each other very much, but my wife comes from a family where people are untrustworthy, controlling and abusive and I think it makes it difficult for her to not fall into that way of being herself with people close to her.
> 
> Its very painful for her when she looks at how she behaves and the impact it has. She gets afraid I won't put up with her anymore and that I will leave her, but this relationship is totally destroying me.


If it's very painful for her when she looks at how she behaves, surely she would want to do something about it. If she could get proper therapy she may begin to change. Plus cutting yourselves off from her awful family may help.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If it's very painful for her when she looks at how she behaves, surely she would want to do something about it. If she could get proper therapy she may begin to change. Plus cutting yourselves off from her awful family may help.


My wife could never face her ghosts and broke our marriage, ultimately. The good news is that not everybody is my wife...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hexagon6 said:


> Thank you. I think that's a good suggestion, but I feel bad about asking someone to go on medication and I think it's only a sticking plaster for a psychological issue around how her family reacts to stress. Maybe I need to request that she gets some sort of help.
> 
> I'm a bit stuck with saying to her our relationship is dependent on something. This is partly because she has periodically threatened our relationship in order to get her own way and I don't want to be like that myself.


Here's the thing -- true clinical depression isn't something that will "go away" because you are sad. Those meds are almost ALWAYS required to get it under control. Some times, once it IS under control and the person does counseling to understand techniques to use to combat it, the meds can be reduced or removed, but that counseling is essential.

Don't feel bad about asking her to go back on the meds. Why did she stop taking them?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m not sure why we feel that marriage requires us to tolerate any and all behaviors that we wouldn’t tolerate from a friend, sibling or parent.


Aye.

A spouse is supposed to be the _'primary, the ultimate, _and the only_*, loving, touching, caressing and* *intimate*' _friend.

They are supposed to be the only party to your private thoughts and your nether privates.
There should be no other's closer.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Aye.
> 
> A spouse is supposed to be the _'primary, the ultimate, _and the only_*, loving, touching, caressing and* *intimate*' _friend.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, that all goes out the window when abuse becomes the way they “communicate.”


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have known lots of people with clinical depression but none were abusive. That's a separate issue here.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I have known lots of people with clinical depression but none were abusive. That's a separate issue here.


I’m only going by the OP’s first post where he states that she becomes narcissistic and abusive. And it’s an ongoing pattern. I think that meds could help, but it’s up to the OP’s wife to continue on them if she feels going without them causes her to lash out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m only going by the OP’s first post where he states that she becomes narcissistic and abusive. And it’s an ongoing pattern. I think that meds could help, but it’s up to the OP’s wife to continue on them if she feels going without them causes her to lash out.


Yes they seem to have helped but I think there is more to it.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Hexagon6 said:


> I'm thinking of breaking up with my wife today. The thing is that she appears to be suffering with fairly serious depression, but she won't get help for it and actually becomes very narcissistic and abusive in various forms including being extremely spiteful and blaming. She thinks it is all my responsibility and our children;'s that her life is so awful that she can't carry on, but it just looks to me like she's adopted the same negative, hard-done-by beliefs as the rest of her family. I did once lay it down to her that she had a medical issue and told her she needed to go and see the doctor instead of blaming me and expecting me to fix all her issues. She did go on anti-depressants and things were much better, but she came off them without finding another way of coping with life's stresses and things became worse than ever.
> 
> We nearly ended up splitting up entirely, but instead we've been trying out co-parenting and giving each other space and independence and treating the smaller amount of time we spend together with value. She said she loved me and wanted things to work out. It was working out really well for a few weeks, but (but, but, but...) something bad happened and then she blew everything up. She pooped all over everything good that has happened, and complained about some nice, considerate things that she actually chose to do for me and appeared to choose to do without resentment. She thinks everyone else is totally selfish. I'm not allowed to have needs of my own.
> 
> ...


How long have you been married? Or were together? Were there signs of these issues early on in the relationship and just got more intense as she aged? 
I ask because I wonder if she's being misdiagnosed with depression, when it could be something else, like BPD or CPTSD (or all 3 really I guess). I am not psychologist, but i can completely relate to your story, outside of the sex angle, and maybe that was a side effect of your wife's medication. The reason I ask about the CPTSD or BPD, is that volatile family situations can create such conditions in the mind that manifest within their own relationships, and one of the things I am learning now is that with BPD, they attack those they want the most validation and love from. It's why many outside your house will never see it unless there's a trigger in public; these types tend to lash out privately. Have you been told you can't be forgiven for mistakes from years past, even the tiniest of things that most couples will just move on from? These things will build up YOUR resentment towards her, and then it becomes an explosive scenario, making it hard to keep your cool when that is what a person like her will need all the time. You will end up self medicating or losing your mind yourself. You need to ask yourself if that is what you want. Either way, you got tough choices to make, and nobody should judge you for whatever you decide.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Aye.
> 
> A spouse is supposed to be the _'primary, the ultimate, _and the only_*, loving, touching, caressing and* *intimate*' _friend.
> 
> ...


Which brings up undisclosed issues prior to marriage that she kept hidden. Trauma that developed a force far beyond the norm because one has kept the secret all those years, sometimes an omission, sometimes an outright lie, either way giving rise to covering up other issues along the way because, if you can make yourself hide the big things, then what keeps you from covering up seemingly smaller issues?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Hexagon6 - When she was on anti-depressants, was your sex life better? That would be very counter to the norm (most anti-depressants have a strong negative effect on libido), and indicate just how severely she does require treatment. Meaning, if she's so bad off that her sex drive comes back *with* anti depressants, she may actually have a pretty strong base sex drive and a really strong depressive cloud.


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