# I am trapped by my thoughts and emotions.. but I think I have found my way out..



## allybug (Oct 26, 2011)

Hello..

I'm new here, and quite honestly I am scared about the challenges I'm facing ahead, in regards to coping with my husband's infidelity - and the internal battles it has ignited within me.

Of course, the situations that bring people to forums like these can't be described "in a nutshell." I just wish there was a way for people to know fully what I have been through. Then, maybe I would be more apt to listening to the advice I am given, instead of disregarding it like I have been doing. I find that I am still hesitant to listen to anyone's rationalization - because I feel like no one fully understands what I've experienced - and the impact it has had on me, mentally and emotionally. If they can't comprehend the gravity of my situation, then I assume they belittle it.. that they feel like I'm responding to a paper cut as if I've been shot in the chest. 

...So, given that.. I think it best to refrain from sharing my story too soon, because any responses would be a lost cause.

But here is where I stand right now --- for exactly one month, I have tried figuring out "where to start," and I realize that I still don't have a clue, and haven't budged a bit from square one. Given that, I think the first challenge I will assign myself is to Dissect the Bigger Picture.. Learn how to maintain focus on one issue at a time, and separate logic from emotional thinking.

I hope I make sense when I ask if any of you are aware of "Homework assignments," that might help me organize my thoughts? Questions that I can ask myself and my husband that might help put things into perspective for the both of us. Possibly even challenges or tasks that may help bring us insight.. and possibly even new found appreciation for each other.

My husband says he understands why I need this, and said that he will support me, and participate with me... I did find what I am looking for - but unfortunately the program (called MarriageBuilder) does not come free. 

Are there any free alternatives that I seem to be overlooking? 
Have any of you tried something like this.. and what would you say it has done for you?
Have I made any sense or do I sound as crazed and confused as I feel?

And to who ever may have made it this far, Thank you for taking the time. Even if you do not have an answer, I appreciate that you have "listened."

-Alexandra


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Perhaps you can give us more detail as to what happened (emotional or physical affair), when did you discover and how, how long was the affair, what has he done so far (no contact, remorse, etc.), have either of you been to counseling since?


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

MarriageBuilder seems to be for couples looking to reconcile. Has your husband stopped the affair, and agreed to NC and transparency? If not, then you're not looking for that. 

So first: If he has shown remorse and agreed to NC and transparency, then it's time for him to go to IC and you both to enter MC. I'd suggest IC for you, too. Oh, INSIST that your husband sign a release so his IC and the MC can talk about the case. Otherwise he'll tell different stories.

If he has not done all those things...assume that the affair continues. GET INTO THERAPY. Withdraw all emotional and physical connection from him. Talk to him only for those things that are required for the running of the household. Get yourself into therapy. Refuse to have anything to do with him as long as the affair continues. MAKE HIM FOLLOW YOU AROUND, if he wants to save the marriage. Do no engage until he agrees to ALL your conditions.

And remember, the 180 is FOR YOU. It may or may not shock him into stopping the affair. But it will allow you to disengage, so that you can then divorce him.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Alexandra,

No one can understand or reach you if you do not let them in. I think that you will find that a great many people here understand clearly what you are going through. the details of the stories change, the people places and events can be radically different but at it's core this betrayal and pain has shattered the same part of all of our souls. it's important that you realize, you are not alone. if you find the courage to share your story, I think that you will find that no one understands your pain better than the people in this forum. We can help if you let us in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allybug (Oct 26, 2011)

(I apologize for the delay and the lengthy response. My daughter isn't feeling well and I have a bad habit of rambling....)

HerToo - funny that you are the first person on this site to respond to me. I actually found this site because while searching for other peoples experiences that might be similar to my own (using key words on google) I found a post of yours..

I actually read the post and my heart nearly stopped - Everything you said sounded as if it was coming straight from my husband. Of course I kept reading more and more of your posts - thinking you were him. Some of the things said hurt me, but some put me at ease. When I finally came to a post that made it clear to me that it was not my husband posting - I was almost upset over it.

*************

Anyway.... 

I was trying to avoid this.. I hate to just say what he did. There's so much more to it, you know?

Well

We are very similar, to begin with. 
I was hurt by my father as a child - sounds like an understatement.
He was sexually abused as a child 

The experience I had as a child led me to do horrible things as a teen. I let men take advantage of me - older men. I constantly found myself in situations where I didn't know where I was or how I was going to get home - and that I was alone with a complete stranger. An older man who was going to have his way with me, and although it disgusted me I was going to let him because I thought that it would make him love me.. and I wanted to be loved. Another time the man who lured me in to going to his apartment... had plans of "sharing" me with his friends... I was oblivious until I found myself barricaded into a corner of an apartment - with six - SIX mean surrounding me like vultures. The only time I had a relationship with a man my age was with my ex - I was with him for roughly 2 years but I was abused the majority of it. He abused me verbally, he cheated on me.. he even abused me physically. I was apologetic, because I was so used to this kind of treatment that I thought certainly it had to be my fault. I was finally forced to leave him because his temper go so out of control, he began to beat me in public... and an off duty officer pulled him away from me, and ignored my plea to let me talk to him.. I reverted to old ways for a short time, but stopped completely when I met my husband.

...... I found out about my husband's childhood the same time I found out about the first time he hurt me. In the middle of e-mails between him and the woman he had an emotional affair with, was an email that seemed to question his sexual orientation. I approached it delicately, and asked him to help me understand it. That's when he told me about ... the abuse he went through... (It was by a male family member..) Because of the abuse I suffered and the things it made me through, I was very understanding. I was more hurt that he was enough to stop me from self destruction, but I wasn't enough to stop him. The emotional affair was put second on my list of concerns, and I focused on his mental health. I told him that I still loved him, would not judge him, was wanting to listen, and I would support him with counseling, prayer, anything. I wanted him to confide in me. 

But he told me that it was no longer something that confused him. That he loved me, and he could see things with a level head now. He didn't want to bring it up, and I told him I would only promise if he could tell me with sincerity that he would let me know -- if EVER, he felt it was an underlying issue. He promised... so I promised, too.

Once that was settled, we tackled the emotional affair. 

It began 1 year and 3 months into our marriage. Our daughter was only 1 month old when HE initiated the affair (And he was deployed at the time, as well.) I found out about said affair after he returned home, roughly 4 months after it began. It was with a mutual friend.. and was never physical, but the physical affair was being discussed and planned. He promised he would cut all contact with her. I never got all my questions answered, never got to talk about it like I needed.. But I became afraid to push him because his temper with me had grown short. If I ever mentioned my need for him to talk to me about it, it was turned around on me and I was blamed for constantly reminding him about how "big of a **** up he was". I began to believe it. So I tried to hide my feelings, but it never did any good.

We were making it.. I was hurting and knew that he wasn't happy but I tried to pretend because I didn't want to lose him. We had our moments where everything seemed wonderful again - and I held on to the few genuine smiles I saw from him. 

Fast forward, exactly 2 full years from the time I found out about his emotional affair. That would put us in June of this year.

He was deployed, again. I couldn't help but think about how his affair began while he was deployed, so I started to panic... and the search began once again. Sure enough, I find out by the phone bill (that I had access to the entire time) that he had NEVER quit contacting her. He had been talking to her the whole time. When he called me I tried to be as non-accusatory as possible, and before I told him what I knew, I begged him not to be angry at me and not to be stressed about it. I just needed to tell him that I knew... and I needed to ask him if he wanted to be with me or not. I told him that I loved him, but I want him to be happy and if I'm not what makes him happy, it's OK to leave me. It will hurt me, but I would be ok. He grew hateful with me and fabricated a story about why he talked to her... blah blah blah. Again, I took the blame that I was not a "good enough" wife for him, and I promised him that when he came home, I would try my hardest to be the wife he deserved. He allowed me to take that blame, and allowed me to make those promises..... but we both knew what he was hiding...

I managed to refrain from talking about it for 3 months, because I wanted him to see that I was keeping my promise. It was eating me alive and driving me into depression but I managed.. When he arrived back in the states, he had to stay on base out of state for a full month before he was released for leave. 

Since he was now able to talk to me more often, and use his phone again... I was able to study him more often... but it was still words on the phone, or text on the computer. We finally got a chance to webcam 6 days after he returned to base. I mustered up the courage to show him how much I wanted him sexually on cam - something I had never done. His reaction confused me.. It was the first time I had seen his face and the look I saw reminded me of sadness and guilt. My fears became to intensify all over again..

I pulled out his laptop that he sent home while on deployment. In an effort to keep my promise and try to prove I trusted him, I had not looked at it. For 3 weeks after the webcam incident with him, I would come home and stare at his laptop... and fight with myself about turning it on. Finally, I gave in. He had been lucrative in his efforts to delete any incriminating evidence... except for one thing. There was a shortcut option to an email domain that was different from the one I knew he used... When the page loaded, an email account I was unaware of entered automatically onto the page. Using the 'forgot pw' option, I gained access by his secret question.

The inbox was empty. The sent folder was empty.. every folder was emptied, including the deleted messages - he never quit, only became smarter at hiding things from me. But he didn't know that there was a "recover deleted messages" option.

To my horror, a full year's worth of e-mails appeared on the page. It had gone on longer, because in one of the earliest emails discovered, he talked to this person like they had been meeting up for a while... like they were old friends who missed each other dearly. This led me to craig's list... where I could access posts he made seeking NSA encounters. I felt like I was married to a serial killer - I didn't know this man. I though..this kind of thing only happens in movies, not to real people, not in real life.

Turns out he started seeking the physical affairs only 4 months after I discovered the emotional affair.

It took 5 days for him to find and meet someone in a hotel room after he got back to base this last deployment. 5 days. Now, remember how I mentioned we got the chance to web cam 6 days after he got back? 

That look on his face - now I knew why. It had not even been a full 24 hours since he was in a hotel room with someone else.... 




so... Emotional cheating? Physical? 

ha.. yes. yes. 

So far his promises have been empty and he has ruined any opportunities to prove he can be honest... He never admitted to anything unless I showed him proof that I had to prove it happened. I took my wedding ring off for the first time. 

I know he is trying - because he has done things I've asked of him.. including asking the woman he had the emotional affair with to meet with us, so I could ask her questions in a civilized manner and seek some sort of closure from that. After all, she was supposed to be my friend, too... and she had stabbed me in the back. I did seek some sense of closure from that. She finally extended an apology to me for allowing the affair to happen.. 

She did as I asked and was honest - by providing me with the little information that my husband did not. I appreciated that, even though it hurt me.

I had never told my husband to stop talking to anyone but her, after the affair. So I took that opportunity to tell them both that I would understand if their friendship was too important to let go of. I could understand that, if that was the case. I looked at my husband and said, ".. but if you need to continue to be her friend, unfortunately I cannot continue to be your wife. Be fair to me and let me go if you know that you cannot let go of her. Do not continue to hurt me by hiding it from me.. let me go."

The pain in the other woman's eyes was evident... and I even offered her a drink, and apologized to her that I needed to give him that ultimatum. But I reminded kindly that the destruction of their friendship was not because of anything that I had done or said.. it was their actions, her and my husband's actions when the affair first started - that's when it changed. She respectfully agreed.

He told her that they could no longer be friends, could no longer have contact. She said her piece and left upset.. I was upset for feeling sympathy for her and also afraid that my husband might resent me for losing a friend... 

Only time will tell if his promises mean anything. If his promise of having No Contact with her is kept... and he knows that this time is different.. because I refuse to make a decision regarding leaving or staying until I'm ready. I refuse to say I forgive him when I have not. I refuse to trust him. I want to believe him, I still love him. I crave him.. I miss him.. but I'm also afraid of him. He is a different person, in a sense. Our old marriage is dead and I am mourning over the loss of "what was" and "what could have been." Deciding to work it out means completely understanding that this is going to be a new marriage, a different one. While it could bring us stronger and closer togehter in the long haul, it will carry a scar forever. I will never fall into his arms like I used to - because he was once the man who made me feel more happy, safe and loved than I had ever felt before. And now he's the man who has hurt me the most... the absolute most... on more than one occasion.

I'm afraid to hand over what's left of my heart to anyone, I want to cower in the corner and not let anyone near me because I'm afraid no matter who it is - they will hurt me. 

But I know I deserve more than that.... I deserve to live.. not merely exist.


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## allybug (Oct 26, 2011)

RadicallyAccepting said:


> MarriageBuilder seems to be for couples looking to reconcile. Has your husband stopped the affair, and agreed to NC and transparency? If not, then you're not looking for that.
> 
> So first: If he has shown remorse and agreed to NC and transparency, then it's time for him to go to IC and you both to enter MC. I'd suggest IC for you, too. Oh, INSIST that your husband sign a release so his IC and the MC can talk about the case. Otherwise he'll tell different stories.
> 
> ...



Though there is more than one offense... and it has not only continued but escalated over the years.... I have finally had enough to where I refuse to back down. I refuse to fall into old habits because all they did was hurt me. I regret not standing my ground the first time..

Every time I have ended up allowing him to put the blame on me... He made me believe that I was the reason for his actions, and that because of that what he did was justified...and the reason our marriage was failing was because of my inability to change or "fix" myself - not because of anything he had done.

I have saved conversations that show how ugly and heartless he has spoke to me - and I asked him to go back and look at them for me. Not to "kick him while he was down" but to show him exactly why it would take a long time for me to begin to process and heal from it. I needed to make sure he understood that, and tell me if he thought he had the patience for it.

A few times he has slipped up and started to defend his actions... but the difference now is that he catches himself, apologizes and tries to reassure me that he is committed to accepting full responsibility.

He placed a tracker on his phone and "check's in" frequently throughout the day when he leaves for work and returns home from work. (As he is stationed in another City.)

He is talking to a counselor about his experience as a child and the confusion it caused him as an adult - and admits to being a sex addict of sorts.

He volunteers information about his day, anything and everything. Even talks to me about how he deals with his sexual frustration now - when he knows the thought of him and anything sexually related makes me wince. But he does it because he wants me to know what he is doing, he doesn't want me to have a chance to wonder. In the past, I was more open about trying toys and such to mix things up.. and I asked him to help me pick one of my own before he deployed, and watch me use it so he could see how I think about him when he is away. He said that was something that he loved and made him feel closer, so he put his embarrassment aside and asked me to help him pick a toy. (little chuckle.... comic relief, anyone?) I did... I picked one with him.. and he went to the store to get it.

But when he called me after leaving the store explaining how it was so awkward for him.. embarrassing.. and the idea of using it was strange to him... I felt angry that the idea of a sex toy was enough to make him feel that way --- but the idea of having sex with stranger was not?

He has proved to be patient. He has been apologetic. He tries to do things he thinks will help me without me having to ask.

He has become completely transparent, and now the problem lies with my struggle to accept and forgive.. and trust. I'm afraid to trust.

So I think I am on the right path with seeking something similar to Marriage Builders..... but if you think that there is another issue I need to work on first, please do let me know..


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## allybug (Oct 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Alexandra,
> 
> No one can understand or reach you if you do not let them in. I think that you will find that a great many people here understand clearly what you are going through. the details of the stories change, the people places and events can be radically different but at it's core this betrayal and pain has shattered the same part of all of our souls. it's important that you realize, you are not alone. if you find the courage to share your story, I think that you will find that no one understands your pain better than the people in this forum. We can help if you let us in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. 

My initial reason that I was reluctant to share my story was only half of it. I was also afraid to share it because I can't seem to "sum it up" or shorten it. I try so hard but I'm afraid to leave out details because it won't paint the whole picture.

So while trying to include the vital information, I end up getting lost in my train of thought and can't seem to stop...as I have shown in my response to HerToo. So this is why I was hoping to find a way to "organize" those thoughts so I can successfully tackle them one at a time instead of getting overwhelmed and losing focus on the bigger picture.


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## allybug (Oct 26, 2011)

Lookingforclosure said:


> I'm so sorry you find yourself here and are going through such pain. I don't have much advice I can give you as I'm going through a similar situation, I have not caught my husband in any EA/PA either because he is speaking the truth or because he is very good at hiding it but there's the constant flirting and inappropriate behavior towards woman even in front of me, I'm emotional and physical a mess, I can barely think of anything else and I feel I'm at the end of what I can take. The constant lies and gas light makes me question my sanity, I describe what I'm going through as a outside body experience as I only go through the motions. Hang in there this website is wonderful and you will find great support from people here, I can say it has being a life saver for me this past week. Hugs


No, do not apologize for not having advice. 

My situation is different from yours, not better or worse but different... and neither of us are more entitled than the other to feel a certain way. 

I greatly appreciate the time you took to respond.

I completely understand the way you feel, because I have felt the same. If you are ever afraid that the way you describe your emotions doesn't make sense, and just need someone to understand, I'll be the first to tell you that you make perfect sense to me. I have had the same thoughts... the same description of experiencing an "outer body" experience. As if I grow so exhausted of feeling that I become numb to everything.. Seem to separate from my physical being. I get up and force myself to "go through the motions" and do the things that are expected of me, but it doesn't feel like I'm the one doing it, and my ambition is gone, I no longer enjoy life.. I tolerate it. But.. if that's what it takes, I will continue because I have a responsibility to my daughter..


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## allybug (Oct 26, 2011)

Lookingforclosure said:


> Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me as well. I really appreciate your insight, you put so well into words the roll coaster of emotions and thoughts that are going through my body and mind. Is like I don't even know what is what these days, thank you for validating my feelings, most of the time I wonder if I'm losing my sanity and I think I probably don't make much sense. I just go through the motions, detached, numb, is like I go through my day with my body doing whatever I need to do while the real me is outside my body just out there lost in thoughts and hurt, is like I'm not inside my body anymore, it's the most painful feeling I ever had.
> 
> My husband has many different issues but like your husband he was also sexually abused as a child, I found out about this after we were married and I was very understanding and supportive, I wanted to do whatever it would take to heal him, to just make everything ok for him, he has not really addressed this issue or seek professional help about it, I have respected that as when I mention it makes it much worse, I know he has a very hard time coping with it. Then there's so many other issues I won't get into it because I don't want to hijack your thread. I just feel so lost, I have devoted my life to my husband and to the vows I made to him, to me they really mean for a lifetime, I have done everything for him, I have not had a life outside my husband, I have never looked at any other man, I have given up many things because the moment I married him he became the most important thing to me and my priority, help him and take care of him is what matters to me, no matter what he goes through I have been by his side as a wife should be. I have read every book, tried every approach and nothing has worked. He says he doesn't cheat on me but the constant flirting with women, the constant inappropriate behavior towards them is a form of cheating and he does it right in front of me is devastating, then there's the lies, many many lies, gas light, rages, emotional trauma and everything else that comes with it, I'm exhausted, I don't want to lose my husband and I don't want to give up but I can no longer cope with all this, I can barely get up in the morning, can barely eat or sleep, I don't have any children and not really any reason to keep going frankly.
> 
> Thank you so much, I'm really grateful you replied to me, it really helps to know that you understand. Thank you for listening.


Your viewpoint on the commitment you made when you married him reminds me of my own viewpoint as well. 

When I married my husband, I died to myself, I stopped living for myself and began living to please him. Was I perfect? No.. not by any means, but I lived according to how I feel I should live it. For HIM, and then him - my husband. I was transparent with my husband from the start.

My husband loves me, yes. But he did not die to himself to live for me. He continued to put his wants, "needs" and desires before mine. He did not love me selflessly, but selfishly. Although it hurts, I do not hate him because I love him selflessly, My love for him is not "out of convenience... as long as he loves me back," but it is unconditional. 

So it's difficult when outsiders say things to make me feel as if I am "weak" for loving him (still) -- though I remind myself that my ability to remain humble is the opposite from being "weak".. it shows that I do not break under pressure and conform to show pride based on what others think of me.. I accept the humility. 

I have stopped myself from pointing the finger at him, (as I understand that my want to describe the bigger picture - is a way of standing up for him. Wanting to protect him still, though I have felt hurt by him. He is human and allowed himself become a victim to things he experienced in his past.) But as we were told, "It is human nature to find anything else to put the blame on. Accepting the responsibility for your actions means not adding 'because of my past'... Being the DS, you allow yourself stray from God and break the covenant of marriage, and to still be loved unconditionally by your LS shows that they have learned how to give a Godly love." For my husband to accept responsibility for his actions for the very first time.. was a major step for both of us. It hurt me to hear him talk lowly of him, and I did not feel as if "I won,"... I reached out to him to comfort him.. because I knew it hurt him, but it was the first time he humbled himself before me, and I wanted to let him know how much it meant to me.

I have constantly shown through out my marriage that I am able look to see my own faults and I have taken responsibility for where I have gone wrong, regardless of what actions may have been socially acceptable as suitable to "justify" them or not. 

I wish I knew what to say in regards to your husband. I feel for you because I understand that you are scared to continue to show your love for him, because it may make you weak and unattractive in his eyes, and may "push him" to commit the acts you fear. However, to pull yourself away and refrain from "pulling him in," by showing him your love will also hurt you immensely. 

Yet I will tell you this -- I wish I had done then what I realized I have done differently now. I did not know it had a "name".. so I was shocked to find it's a well known concept called the Marriage-180. I was unaware that I was pulling the 180 when I decided this time to not pull him in, and not push him away, but rather "let him go" .. to allow myself to not distract him from thinking about what he will lose. 

This, being the first time I did not beg and plead him sent a shock right through him (as he has told me), and though the promises from him are the same, a sense of despair is now shown, that he has not once shown before. My concern now is knowing when it is enough... 

Have you considered this... with confidence to stick with it, even in fear of failure?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

First, you are an amazing woman to have the strength to do what you do when you told your husband to make a decision. That single act empowered you more than you realize. You took full control of your life. Good for you!

Now, if both you and your husband want to work things out, you both need to make a list. The list needs to have a column of things in your marriage that you want to go away, the crappy stuff. For example, I no longer want to have outings that end up with my wife going shopping at one store, and me either finding a different store or waiting for her on a bench somewhere. So it's gone. Work on getting those things out for good.The other column is for things you want to keep in your marriage, the good stuff. The causal talking, outings together, and more. Increase the frequency of the good things. Add to the list, update it on a regular basis. Remove stuff that is no longer valuable. Do this together, and enjoy the fact that you are creating a plan for a happier marriage and life. 

Individually, make a list of your emotional needs. You both have had experiences that require special emotional needs to ensure that a comforting love is present. Something to wash away the fears of the past coming back. Exchange the lists, and tell each other how you will provide those needs. Take time to fully understand why that need is on the list, and what it means when the need is being met.

Both of you need to stop blaming yourselves for what happened to you in the past. It wasn't your choice. Moving forward and being happy is your choice. Don't let anything get in the way of that goal. 

These are my suggestions. I learned them the hard way by emotionally hurting the love of my life. 

Good luck


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