# Verbal abuse getting worse



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I have been considering divorce for about a year. I was discussing this with my therapist tonight and she said, "I think that I know why this has been so hard for you. You want to believe that everyone is good and will do the right thing. That is who you are." It finally hit me, she is right. All this time I've been waiting for my husband to be a good dad, it has just been getting worse.

I have 2 kids, ages 5 and 2. I work full time as a physician assistant. My husband refuses to get a job. He has refused for 18 months now. Financially, it is not okay that he stays home. My daughter is in kindergarten and son even went to daycare for a bit. But he still didn't find time to get a job so I had to take him out. Husband still plays all the fantasy sports and gambles online most days (though thankfully hasn't lost money that I know of). This takes up hours of his days. He is depressed and now on an antidepressant which isn't helping. The most troubling aspect is the significant increase in emotional and verbal abuse.

The other day, he was screaming at our daughter for not getting ready for school. I was outside putting my stuff in the car for work and I could hear this. I thought he swore at her. I came inside. The old me would have went crazy on him. But I'm definitely getting better. The new me calmly asked him what was going on and what he said to her because it was very loud. He wouldn't reply and then asked why I asked. I said because I thought he swore at her. He lost it. Almost growling, he said, "I hope you get in an accident on the way to work and die." In front of the kids. My daughter didn't say anything then, but then she brought it up later that night. She said she didn't want to upset me, but the situation made it feel like it was her fault. I asked her how I could help her feel special and she said, "Tell Dad to move out." These examples go on and on. My poor kids crave me, but I am working. I feel so sad.

I am caught in a pretty crappy situation. I have been advised to take the kids and get out (by an attorney), as this man is verbally and emotionally abusive. Plus it's not likely he'll fight me on it, as he keeps saying, "Take the kids and get out." He takes no responsibility for not working, but states it's because he's home with the kids. I don't think he is the best person to care for the kids -- they're not happy around him. He is very childish, and as he feels any semblance of power he has in this "marriage" slipping away, his behavior is getting so much worse. I feel guilty that I leave them with him when I go to work. But I have to work. I just don't have enough money for full time childcare and getting out of this house unless he pitches in. But he won't work. Vicious circle. I have no family (all my parents/grandparents are deceased) to help. 

I never realized the situation was this dire. I have been documenting the verbal abuse that's been going on, and increasing in frequency. As far as his care of these kids and moving out, I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to believe my husband can be a good dad, but lately, it has been terrible. I can't, in good conscience, let him continue to watch the kids. And, because he is at home not working (by choice), I don't want him to have custody. These poor kids have already been through enough.

I know some people think it's better if a parent is with their children, but I feel very strongly that it is not better in this situation. Maybe if his behavior were rehabilitated someway, but right now, his behavior and words are toxic. My guilt each day about working gets stronger and stronger.

How can I manage this? How can I save money to move out and then pay for childcare by myself? I make decent money, but I feel like we're going to fall short. I've done a budget and can live on that...and have enough money for everything else except full time childcare (which I might have half of the cost). Granted, I still pay significant amount for my husband's health insurance out of my check, along with all our other household bills. That is why I can't seem to save up enough to finally get out. Yet I am afraid that if I "cut him off," I might face serious issues as he's been angrier lately.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, help please. Thanks for listening and sorry for the rambling.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Why do you say you be the one to leave the house? Why wouldn't he? Did you discuss the possible scenarios with your lawyer?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He says he hopes you get in an accident and die on the way to work, in front of the kids? Wow this is horrible abuse. It can't go on. He doesn't deserve you or the kids. 

Your kids need to get out of this situation. Can you take a very cheap place to rent for couple of years? A shoebox would be better than living like this. In a few years both kids will be in school full time. 

He won't change if you don't separate. And he may not be capable of changing in any event. 

If you leave then he will have to get off his butt and get a job, so there will be a chance for some child support. 

I assume you can't afford to live in your present home with just you and the kids?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

It seems like in addition to your financial concerns about leaving, you fear his anger and that he may come after you or try and stop you from leaving. Him stating that he hopes you die is scary. Do you have any family or friends that could take you in (without potentially putting them in an unsafe situation)?

The guilt you feel about working (so that you must leave your children with your husband) is not your fault. His irresponsibility has put you in this position. You must keep working (and potentially saving up money on the side) so that you can be financially sound if you leave.

It doesn't appear that you have lots of free time if any but I think speaking with both a counselor and lawyer would be beneficial... you and your children are trapped in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe environment


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

He needs counseling in a major way. I would recommend he speak

to his PCP for a possible referral. If you remain M and rugsweep

everything...it will only get worse. To me it sounds as if talking to 

him would not accomplish much. He needs to grow up and take 

responsibility. If he refuses to go, you go for you. I can see a very 

bad future for you if you "let things lie" 

verbal abuse is one step away from physical abuse


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Presently you are bankrolling him so he has no reason to change. I would definitely look at leaving him. It will be cheaper and better for your children in the long run IMO. The way he treats your kids is disgusting and it is already impacting their lives. I wonder how long until physical abuse potentially begins.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> He needs counseling in a major way. I would recommend he speak
> 
> to his PCP for a possible referral. If you remain M and rugsweep
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

I have been where you are.
It does not get better on its own, the abuse has to stop.
Either counseling, or remove you and the kids from the abuse.
It won't go away on its own.


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