# How long ????.....question about the reconciliation process



## rome2012

After finalizing the divorce my ex-husband said he does love me, doesn't want me to move out and he wants to see what the next weeks/months bring.....see my loooooong crazy weird story in my signature.....

Now we're getting along very well....one incident last Saturday but we seem to be ok again.....but mostly nice and sometimes even flirty with each other....

I believe that he is not 100% invested in the reconciliation process yet and so I was wondering if I'm just too impatient or what....

He proposed divorce Labor Day weekend 2010, divorce was final early January 2011, on January 9th he told me he loves me and wants to see about the future.....

As I said, we get along very well, we are flirty with each other sometimes, but we haven't kissed yet (no peck, no more intimate kiss) and he hasn't told me "I love you" again.....we don't hold hands or hug either

I am not sure if he feels like I should initiate it since he was the one who said he doesn't love me anymore ???

He said to me that he understands if I don't want to have sex anymore because of all of the divorce mess and he doesn't initiate it anymore (except on Thursday night when he was buzzed ) ....but when I initiate it he enjoys it.....

Do you think it's the same with kissing, hugging and I love you's ????

I am too scared to just plant one on him and him rejecting me.....

Anyone have experience with this ???

How long did it take you guys before you were back to normal couples stuff ????


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## anx

I'm really happy to see that you guys might work it out. I saw the things you've posted before.



> Do you think it's the same with kissing, hugging and I love you's ????


 it is different yes. He doesn't physically need those. Sex is different for a guy. They will come around slowly, but he also doesn't want to be rejected. It might be ok if you initate kissing and hugging, but wait for the love you or say it rarely.



> ....but when I initiate it he enjoys it.....


 Yes, I think he wants it a TON, but doesn't want to ask. If he asks then he feels bad for forcing it. Its not easy for a guy when things are bad or have been recently. Keep making moves if you want to.

Are you guys in MC? my MC story is in my profile. Have you seen the 180 stuff? You should still keep on eye on those (not numbers 12 or 17). Let him make some of the first moves when he is comfortable, but make sure you tell him you wont reject him.

I can't stress how important it is to NOT fight or mess up. A bad fight and he is probably gone for good. 

It took 10 month of MC in my story. After she wanted to make it work, it was about 4 months till things were normal.


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## rome2012

anx said:


> I'm really happy to see that you guys might work it out. I saw the things you've posted before.
> 
> it is different yes. He doesn't physically need those. Sex is different for a guy. They will come around slowly, but he also doesn't want to be rejected. It might be ok if you initate kissing and hugging, but wait for the love you or say it rarely.
> 
> Yes, I think he wants it a TON, but doesn't want to ask. If he asks then he feels bad for forcing it. Its not easy for a guy when things are bad or have been recently. Keep making moves if you want to.
> 
> Are you guys in MC? my MC story is in my profile. Have you seen the 180 stuff? You should still keep on eye on those (not numbers 12 or 17). Let him make some of the first moves when he is comfortable, but make sure you tell him you wont reject him.
> 
> I can't stress how important it is to NOT fight or mess up. A bad fight and he is probably gone for good.
> 
> It took 10 month of MC in my story. After she wanted to make it work, it was about 4 months till things were normal.


Thanks Anx....

We're not in counseling....

He refused when he the divorce process was going on and I feel it's too early to ask for it now....

I have been making changes (saving, slowly but surely....going back to college....working out) but I had to realize that I've built some resentment against him, because of his EA (even though he claims it was not)....

So I made changes, but I also made snide remarks and comments about possible affairs.....and it wasn't until he blew up on me last Saturday that I realized what I was doing....

Now I'm working hard on being the best I can be for real (100%) and then we'll see if it changes *his* actions.....

I will hold off on the kissing and stuff until I see change in behavior.....maybe he'll come around here soon, when he sees I'm not holding the past over his head all the time anymore....

4-10 months.....sounds good to me....

I know feelings don't change over night, so I don't want to sit here and give us a deadline....

If I see small improvements I'll be happy.....

Time will tell.....


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## anx

You really need to get in MC if you can. Ask him if he would try it. I know its often weird to bring up, but you guys are looking at divorce every day. MC is where you relearn how to treat your SO.


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## rome2012

anx said:


> You really need to get in MC if you can. Ask him if he would try it. I know its often weird to bring up, but you guys are looking at divorce every day. MC is where you relearn how to treat your SO.


We are already divorced....


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## anx

Then couples counseling. I've read you story and we joined about the same time. Your story isn't uncommon. MC mostly just helps people get better communication and figure out what the other person needs. If he would agree it would be very helpful.


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## rome2012

anx said:


> Your story isn't uncommon.


Really ???

So what's the average outcome ????

:scratchhead:

How good are my chances ???


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## anx

its 100% dependent on how hard you are both willing to work on it. My MC story is in my profile.

Really, once communication improves, things snap together. Its hard work and getting through all the issues can be hard.

It sounds like you are both willing to try. Get in now. 

If you both are willing to work HARD at it, I would give chances at 75+%

Which Marriages Are Worth Saving?
Do I Really Need A Marriage Counselor?
How to Save Your Marriage
How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling


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