# Is this an affair?



## williteverhappen (Jan 2, 2015)

Hi. 
I’m new here, but it looks a great forum for advice. I’ve been married to a Swedish girl for 10 years now, and it all seems to be going down hill for the pas 4-5 years. I think she’s having an affair but I can’t prove it. Asking her directly is a no no. She always ignores the questions, or answers them in a way where she will leave out all the details. I think it all started about 4 years ago when she joined a running club and became friendly with the running coach. She quit her job and began training in the mornings and evenings, almost every day. I was almost always in bed when she got home. She was always to tired for sex (we’ve not had any sex or sexual contact for over 4 years). I employed her where I worked for a few days a week which was a big mistake as she would not listen to my advice, or follow company procedures. My other staff members thought we were having marriage problems as my wife wife would spend much time running, and being around her coach. Every time I mentioned she was spending too much time running she would turn around and shout back at how running keeps her alive. She then began to ignore our friends and family and spend more time with her running group. She would always cancel dates with our friends and we’d end up going to meet her coach instead. Anyway, we moved back to her home country to start a fresh and things are no better here. I’m learning the language, she’s complaining that I’m not supporting her financially. She spends all her time with her friends or running with her new group. She see’s a lot of her old school friends, a few who are men. I was questioned by her close friend as to why I keep declining invites out with them, and I said my wife had never said anything to me, to which she was surprised. She says my wife always said I was too busy or tired from learning the new language. She’s now asking how I feel about us.

I have no idea what to do now. I have upped and left my old country to start a new in another country. I’m just starting to settle in with new friends I’ve made, and now this! I do think she’s been sleeping around with her old school friends. I have some other feelings of things that have been going on, but they are just feelings. She’s always on the phone txting and talking to her ‘running buddy’ or other male ‘friends’ in the town we live in now. 

Anyway, any advice????? I’m getting quite depressed now.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't know if she's having an affair, but she certainly seems to be contributing nothing to this marriage. Why do you want to stay married to someone who is pretty much absent but relying on you to support her?

I don't get this "quit her job to run" thing. Who quits their job for a non-paying hobby and then expects her spouse to support her for years on end?

What is the point of this marriage now?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whether she's having an affair or not, you two have major fundamental problems in your marriage that you're not dealing with. No sex for 4 years? Her lying about inviting you? Her quitting her job so she could run?

Why did you move to her country, instead of just buying her a plane ticket?

C


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Yes, yes it is (or was with the running coach).

She has boundary issues and zero respect for you.

the no sex for 4 years is grounds enough for divorce, why are you sticking around?

any kids?

do you have access to her phone? figure out what's she's really saying.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

williteverhappen said:


> She quit her job and began training in the mornings and evenings, almost every day. I was almost always in bed when she got home. She was always to tired for sex (we’ve not had any sex or sexual contact for over 4 years).
> 
> She would always cancel dates with our friends and we’d end up going to meet her coach instead. Anyway, we moved back to her home country to start a fresh and things are no better here.
> 
> ...


My first thought is why did it take you four years in a sexless marriage to realize how bad it is?

Your wife has zero respect for you. ZERO. Why? Because you are a doormat who is trying to please a self-serving b!tch. Sure, she's having affairs. She does as she wishes, you support her financially, and there are no consequences for her actions.

How about telling her to transfer some of that energy she uses in hanging with her friends and her running buddy into a job that pays and a marriage that works?

I'd love to hear her response to that. And you should seriously consider moving back to wherever you lived before.

I mean, c'mon, four years without sex? Seriously???


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I mean, c'mon, four years without sex? Seriously???


I'd be absolutely mad, climbing the walls horny. And I'm a woman.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Time to pick up the pieces and go home. Start over.

Doesn't look like you have kids with her. Good for you. You have it easy.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Well, un-beta yourself then. Start reading Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. 

Start working out in a gym. Get yourself buf. Lose the fat. All of it. Should take like 3-4 months of you attack it.

Start heading out with the guys. Invite yourself out to her "outings". See what's going on. Observe her body language and those of others. She can hide what she says but body language is another tell.

Possibly, see a lawyer and consider your options. Begin protecting your assets. Be more watchful. Grab her phone back it up and start recovering deleted texts. How depends on the type of phone. Check her email accounts, sent and deleted emails. Social accounts too.

Check out weightlifters sig for how to do other things to check into her behavior. All depending on legalities in your country. 

Read the book. She may have checked out of your marriage. Meanwhile, everything you've been taught about women is wrong, so regardless - work on fixing you. Read the book.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I am not sure what your relationship is but it sure isn't a marriage.

Who does the cooking and cleaning?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and how old is she? Do you have any children?
If you don't have any children, consider going back to your home country. Your wife shows no interest in building your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop paying for her to live like a princess. Pay for the groceries through the store. Pay the bills yourself. Give her nothing else to spend. When she complains, tell her that when she starts acting like your wife again, you'll be glad to share; until then, as long as she's acting like your teenage daughter, you're paying for room and board and nothing else.


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## williteverhappen (Jan 2, 2015)

Thanks for the support guys. She says I'm her 'best friend', however I think that's an excuse. We have no kids and I'm the sporty type. In fact I've dropped a few pounds and have abs now. Her friends (when I have seen them on the off chance) have commented on how much better I look, which is a pick me up. Oh, I'm not a door mat either. She can wipe her feet on other people. Also, I'm in my late 30's while she's a bit younger.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

williteverhappen said:


> Thanks for the support guys. She says I'm her 'best friend', however I think that's an excuse. We have no kids and I'm the sporty type. In fact I've dropped a few pounds and have abs now. Her friends (when I have seen them on the off chance) have commented on how much better I look, which is a pick me up. Oh, I'm not a door mat either. She can wipe her feet on other people. Also, I'm in my late 30's while she's a bit younger.


She cut you off four years ago.

Down load the MMSLP book below. You have some serious denial issues.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

williteverhappen said:


> Oh, I'm not a door mat either. She can wipe her feet on other people.


:rofl: Really, do you look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that while the last 4 years why you have had a sexless marriage?

Don't try pissin on us and tell us its raining around here. 

I agree and you should read MMSLP by Athol Kay.

It will help you start working on you and that will be the key in all this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

williteverhappen said:


> Oh, I'm not a door mat either. She can wipe her feet on other people.


Says the person who accepts a sexless marriage for four years and sits at home while she cavorts all over town, who takes no ACTION when she does this, and who moved to another continent to make her happier. Oh, and is now feeling depressed because of the situation HE allowed himself to get into (no offense).

You just need some education on it, ok? Read the book everyone's telling you to read. It will really open your eyes. But the Cliff's Notes is this: women respect strong men and give them what they want, and women laugh at weak men and leave them behind while they go out and live life with their "friends."


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Geeze.... Dude, her words are one thing, her actions are another. Ignore the words, dude! The actions are what matters.

You've been cut off from sex as women are typically loyal to one guy at a time. And it ain't you.

That may not be the case, but cut your beta off. Stop putting her up an a pedestal and stop worshiping her. Ask any woman, that type of stuff pisses them off. 

READ THE BOOK.

If you've made no attempt yet to locate the book, download a copy or purchase it, you'll have no idea or don't care.

You did not "mean" her into this situation, you cannot "nice" her back.

Wake up. Abs is nothing. Put on muscle. Get buf. Add one or two inches to your chest. Do it!

Back in the day, I've put on 30 pounds of muscle in 90 days. So get off your butt, get a decent diet going and lift heavy metal.

And work on what she's been up to. Get a PI if necessary. A talented woman PI would be a good idea.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

williteverhappen said:


> Anyway, any advice????? I’m getting quite depressed now.


First, I'd say stop thinking about her and start thinking about you. You're not happy. Time to tell her what needs to change, and without that change, you're out.

The way you describe it, it's all about her, and she doesn't respect you in the least.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I still have a hard time believing that there are actually men like you in the world.

I almost stopped reading at 4 years with no sex! Who really cares if this disgusting woman is cheating?

Kick her pathetic butt to the curb or start taking her everyday, several times a day. You have some mileage to make up my friend!

If she refuses, let her run right out of your life and get a lusty, passionate woman that desires your affection.

I am actually more put off by your behavior than hers. I can explain hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## williteverhappen (Jan 2, 2015)

I'm buying the book already!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

You are her "meal ticket" as well as her "Plan B!"

Right after reading NMMNG and MMSL, you're going to be buying yourself a one-way ticket back to the U.S. where you need to start the divorce process immediately upon arrival!

You deserve so much more out of life than what your getting now!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or, he will regain the strength he didn't realize he'd been missing, and become the man who women respect and crave and she'll drop her crappy ways and try every way she can to please him to keep him there.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Its possible she is cheating. She sure doesn't want you around her friends either for some reason. Probably you will cramp her style.

Whether she is cheating or not I think its time to get out. Its obvious she only considers you a friend that supports her.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> ....get a lusty, passionate woman that desires your affection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. We're out here.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

DayDream said:


> Yeah. We're out here.


amen...!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You don't seem to think it matters if you are happy or not. Your marriage is mostly focused on keeping *her* happy. For a start, you should be telling her she's doing nothing to keep you interested in your marriage and she needs to step up her game.

Start thinking as if you both have an equal right in your relationship to have your needs met and stop thinking that everything is about her. 

BTW, cheating isn't the cause of your unhappy marriage. You taking the backseat and not asserting yourself is the cause imo.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm absolutely gobsmacked that a grown woman would seriously expect to be able to treat her HUSBAND like a piece of crap, who's job in life is to support her and meet all her needs, while she meets absolutely none of his! WHAT THE ACTUAL F???

I am a stay at home wife, my husband works full time, but he doesn't have to even think twice about ANYTHING at home. He knows I run the house and if something comes up that I can't deal with I'll let him know. I appreciate him so much and tell him this often. He said to me the other day that he honestly never feels taken for granted by me. Ever. 

I was so glad to hear that  I love him so much.

I am flabbergasted at your wife's attitude OP. Speechless. Wow.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I'm absolutely gobsmacked that a grown woman would seriously expect to be able to treat her HUSBAND like a piece of crap, who's job in life is to support her and meet all her needs, while she meets absolutely none of his! WHAT THE ACTUAL F???
> 
> I am a stay at home wife, my husband works full time, but he doesn't have to even think twice about ANYTHING at home. He knows I run the house and if something comes up that I can't deal with I'll let him know. I appreciate him so much and tell him this often. He said to me the other day that he honestly never feels taken for granted by me. Ever.
> 
> ...


Oh, wives like her are out there, Frusdil, and I think they are more prevalent then the wives like you. Or at least on my experience and the stories that I have read here. Part of it is because of us "nice" guys and part of it is just the narcism of the women involved. Jaded I know, but that is one of the bags that I am carrying out of my failed marriage.


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## peskipixy (Jan 3, 2015)

If you even have to ask if it's an affair, the answer is a loud YES!

Obviously, your gut-feeling is trying to tell you something and you need to listen to it. Perhaps it's that nervous, sometimes crampy feeling you get in your stomach or the constant whisper in the back of your mind saying something isn't right. Or maybe it's the fact that she's denied sex for the past 4 years.

I'm going to be blunt here. Your wife isn't just running with this "friend" of hers. There's more going on and if it's not yet a full physical affair, it's an emotional one already. She's also trying to alienate you from her friends by refusing to include you when an invitation is extended. I wouldn't be surprised if her friends are suspicious now that you've spoken to a few of them and explained that you had no idea you'd been invited.

You also need to start the 180. Perhaps not completely, but just certain portions of it and stop funding her lifestyle she wants you to pay for. There are no free rides in this life and she needs to learn that you don't get something from nothing.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I respect all of the advice you are getting here and it is all sound but I have a pivotal question for you. Is.......she........worth........it? Hit the gym, read your book, do guy's night out, do it all if it's what you want but have you really stopped to step back and look at this objectively. From where we are standing this is absurd.

This woman no more cares for you than she does the wind blowing and the only reason you are even in her life is the financial element you bring to the table. You are financing her lifestyle. Again, you've received advice that is generically good and will help you even in future relationships but in this instance you must realize that this is over. That muffled sound you hear over your wife's partying is the fat lady singing.

My advice to you would be to remove yourself from the situation immediately. Get out of the marriage and out of the country. Leave her to sleep in the bed she has made and if she has any interest in you whatsoever she will come crawling back, to your country, contrite and ready to do her own lifting of heavy weight.

If by some cosmic miracle she does come back after you, I would also advise that you not even acknowledge her begging and cries for R. She has crossed too many boundaries for me to ever think that she can maintain such. Your call and your life, your one and only by the way, so do as you wish but remember this, there are way, way to many fish in the sea for you to hold on to this slimy eel. I wish you good fortune.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would leave her a few hundred dollars and jump on the next flight home via Amsterdam.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

williteverhappen said:


> Thanks for the support guys. She says I'm her 'best friend', however I think that's an excuse. We have no kids and I'm the sporty type. In fact I've dropped a few pounds and have abs now. Her friends (when I have seen them on the off chance) have commented on how much better I look, which is a pick me up. Oh, I'm not a door mat either. She can wipe her feet on other people. Also, I'm in my late 30's while she's a bit younger.


It is always easy for everyone on the outside. As a man in Scandinavia, the sudden sexless thing is not unusual. However, that does not mean it is OK. It is a common trend for them to find someone macho, enjoy it and reform them and then no longer fancy them as lovers.

Some of the advice here is focussed on complaining baout their husbands or jumping the gun on an affair (it is only probable, not definate). However, it is a reasonable guide.


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