# How do you force yourself to let go?



## Emiaj24! (Sep 26, 2017)

I have been separated for 3 months!! Things ended very badly one night. After months of my ex playing head games one minute he wanted to end things and the next he was sleeping in bed. He kept staying out all night partying but then apologizing. I finally had enough after a bottle of wine I went down the road to a bar I knew I would find him and sure enough he was there with a girl flirting. I decided to walk over and just stay( I know I should of left ) my ex was treating me like straight **** saying mean stuff and acting cool in front of his new friends. Things ended physical that night on both sides and I had to get a pfa on him. He filed for divorce maybe a month ago but I wasn’t home to sign nor have I gone to the post office. I recently started dating someone. My ex has been messaging him stupid things like have your girlfriend pay her own bills or just things like does she want the bed? He also said he was going to take me for spousal support. Or does she want to keep her phone number( he has already shut my phone off ) he messaged him saying he was going to drop some things off at my house but never showed. I had to meet with him to give him some animal food for my horses and our dogs he asked me about the divorce papers and I said he could pay a constable to deliver them since he wanted all this he then brought up the fact that I was dating someone else multiple times but following it with the idc that you are. After the meeting he messaged the guy I’m seeing to say he will pay off my cell and transfer the number if I want. I’m currently seeing a really nice guy who goes out of his way to make me feel better all the time and helps me with my daughter. It almost feels to good to be true to be treated so good but then another part of me is having a hard time letting go of the toxic relationship I was in for 11 years. I had everything I want material wise the house the cars the nice clothes people always telling me how lucky I was but behind closed doors our relationship was a nightmare. Mental and physical abuse and cheating on both sides. So why do I feel like I can’t just move on. Why do I feel like I’m losing everything? Why on some days do I think I should reach out to him? Idk why I can’t stop over thinking? I know I should just move on close the door and never look back. But why can’t I?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It will take time to get out of this tangled mess, and to be honest you being in a new relationship before you are even divorced just makes things far more complicated. It sounds as if you will need a lot of time to heal and to find out why you got into this relationship in the first place, and being that you say you cheated as well, you are clearly not ready for another man at this time. 
So get that divorce done, get some good counselling, and give it a couple of years before you even thing of another man. Use that time to concentrate on your child and yourself. Your daughter must be pretty messed up after all this and now you have introduced another father figure into her life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why would you wish to subject this nice guy to your drama? You're both cheating now. There's nothing to salvage.

Figure the divorce out first. You can action the divorce process instead. Unless you like staying in limbo?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Read this: Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Do these things in this order:

1. Get into a counselor immediately to sort out your own issues. Why have you put up with this for 11 years?

2. Lay off the booze. Nothing good can happen after you pound down an entire bottle of wine (as you found out the night you went up to the bar in anger).

3. Break it off with your new boyfriend immediately. It’s totally unfair to drag someone into this toxic sludge. (And honestly, if new BF is actually willing to put up with this nightmarish situation then he’s NOT someone you want to pursue in the long run. Healthy individuals would NEVER put up with being in this situation. Nothing but red flags regarding new BF).

4. File for divorce. Don’t wait for your husband to do it first, that’s just game-playing. Material things (house, car, clothes, etc.) couldn’t possibly offset the horrible dynamics between the two of you.

The last thing you need is to date people while you are still wrapped up in this mess. Be alone, clear your head, and focus on your child. It’s time to put her needs before your own (dating, new men, fear of being alone). Don’t be selfish. She probably could benefit from some counseling too — I’m sure her head is swirling trying to figure out why Mom has a new boyfriend while she’s still married to Dad.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

To answer your question, in order to let go of someone else you need to attach to some one new - in this case YOU. So having said that, what I think you should do is focus on you, that would include ditching the new BF and the ex and learning to love your self. No one deserves this kind of drama, not you, not your ex (despite the fact that he is prolonging and stirring the pot) and most assuredly your new BF. Besides as others have pointed out, this guy (the new BF) is a parade of red flags. Think about it. What kind of person comes into this kind of drama? Surely not someone you would want to be with. That is not healthy and healthy is what you need.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

happy as a clam;18935073
3. Break it off with your new boyfriend immediately. It’s totally unfair to drag someone into this toxic sludge. (And honestly said:


> You may be correct on her new BF.
> I hope you are wrong.
> 
> Good men are hard to find.
> ...


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## Emiaj24! (Sep 26, 2017)

Thank you for advice. 
My daughter is not actually my ex’s and he totally just disappeared out of her life. She just turned 13 and he has help raised her since she was 1. He actually ran into her at the local store looked at her and walked away. It breaks my heart for her as he was really the only father figure she had. How could someone raise a kid for so long to not care about them or act like they never existed. Also the guy I’m seeing was with his ex for 17 years until she cheated on him and he left. Do you think because he went threw a similar situation he’s understandably? I didn’t mean to start dating so fast I have know him for over a year and he was there to talk to once I left and was helping me out now we are together a lot. I am currently in counseling and on depression medication but I think you guys are right and my daughter may need to go some sessions herself.


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