# I cannot __ anymore



## HippieVaMom (Mar 29, 2016)

There are so many words I could use to fill in the blank of my title; let it slide, find my happiness, make him happy, do anything right. A good friend told me about this site and I love how supportive responders are. Everyone here seems genuine, straight to the point, and mostly unbiased which is just what I could use - an outside perspective. 

Background: after 10 months of me turning him down, I gave in and we dated on and off for 2 years before he proposed and I accepted. (We were on/off because I was not ready for anything serious, being only 19 and had just lost my high school bf to a drunk driver.) We got pregnant a couple months later with our son and decided to hold off on the wedding so we could be patents first. That first year being a new parent and living together was beyond rough on our relationship and we didn't get married until 3 years later. During the time of our wedding, things were much better between us and we had started trying to have a 2nd baby in which we were blessed with a girl 9 months after our wedding. 

Fast forward 4 years of marriage and things are not where I thought they'd be. When our dd was a year, I returned to school and now have my associates and a part time position in my field of study. Yah me right!? Well my dh turned pretty nasty toward me, telling our ds that Mommy was going to find a new man after school (mind you ds was only 4) and just turned into an unsupportive emotional bully. 

About the beginning of this year I had a huge emotional/mental breakdown were I let dh know that ithe all has to stop and he needs to seek medical help for his anxiety, stress, depression. When we could finally talk to each other more than the daily needed conversions (about a week), he said he would start to treat me better on a person level and seek the doctors help. 

Now, I'm wondering why I'm still being a push over because he hasn't talked with a doctor (he thinks he is fine and can handle it on his own now) and had only made small improvements on a personal level towards me. I have never thought about before but now am considering a separation. Any input/advise would be kind,thank you in advance.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you are going to have a life get it fixed now. When you set a boundary stay with it. If you don't you'll struggle through life and end up wasting years for what????

I'm not a fan of separation but maybe you either fix yourself or we separate until you do.

Your life is up to you and what you want you do with it. Once you figure that out everything becomes much simpler.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You "gave in" to date him. I would disagree. You made a choice and decided to date him. No matter how he may have pressured you, you always had the choice to not give in. 

You were "on and off" for two years before he proposed and you accepted. Does that mean you both dated others during those two years? What broke you up in the first place? 

You two waited three years to be married after you were pregnant. Whose idea was it to wait, exactly? Nearly every woman I know, including yours truly, would want to be married sooner rather than later if I was pregnant, unless there was some serious misgivings about the health of a relationship. You describe marriage as some kind of interference or hindrance to raising a child. 

Maybe it's in the way you're telling it, but I'm really wondering why you two got together at first when there seemed to be very little urge to do so. It's nice to read that you seem very happy with your children. 

His anxiety and other issues are his to deal with. Unfortunately, you can't help and if you try, it will mentally exhaust you and only serve to feed your growing resentment. Even when we marry, we are still responsible for our own health and wellbeing. 

You need to be sure of what you want. I can't really tell what that is. Maybe you're still figuring that part out.


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## HippieVaMom (Mar 29, 2016)

You're right, I'm not exactly sure I want out of life and have been pursuing this lately. I didn't want to start a relationship with anyone in the beginning because my bf died in a car accident and everything was just bad timing. We were on/off because I was not ready to commit to him (to anyone) and yes there were occasional dates with others when we were off. I feel bad because he's had this strong "firework" love as I call it and I didn't.

We mutually agreed to be parents first. His parents are still married after 30 years but my parent divorced when I was 16. I hold marriage as something very special and didn't want to rush marriage just because we had a baby on the way. Parenting and living with someone new was our focus. When I accepted his proposal, I had the idea that I'd let my guard down finally and we'd have plenty of time to form a strong foundation for our relationship to grow. I think I was so hesitant towards him because I felt I was undeserving of someone else's love. 

After years of being a mom and a wife first, I realize now that it's important for me to find myself, define myself and continue to better myself to be a great role model and hopefully inspiration for my kids. I'm tired of bitting my tongue to prevent dh from becoming up at something I feel strongly about. I'm tired of dh picking fun of my every flaw, from how I annunciate words to how I dress and he never misses a bad hair or pimple day I may have either. I clearly threatened his ego when I finished my degree by the way he tore at my confidence everyday. I thought we would build each other up and make each other stronger but apparently I'm on my own in that boat. I'm tired of being weak and demand a change of myself. If he can't support me, he will only continue to tear me down. I am determined to discover true happiness, with him would be nice but he'll have to make that his own choice.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

In reading your post, it sounds like you have never given your "all" to your marriage. Not a recipe for success. So it's really hard to tell how many of your husband's problems are actually caused by the lack of security you are providing back to him.. There is only one way to find out... If you change, will he change? I think it's worth investigating that prior to divorcing.


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## HippieVaMom (Mar 29, 2016)

Yes, I can see that as a possibility and Yes everything is worth investigating as I don't want a d; just want to be happy. We have had some great times so I know it's there! Really focusing on bettering myself and being positive towards our relationship feels like a great start.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

He probably sees you as being successful now and he feels like you are leaving him in the dirt. Which may be a reason why he thinks you are going to find a new man after school. He needs to change his attitude towards you though. If he hasn't contacted a doctor would you be open to counseling with him? It could open the door to individual counseling for him as well.


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