# I feel like my name should be Sybil



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I am wondering if anyone is/has experienced what I am currently going through, additionally, I welcome any and all advice. I have been married 22 years today. To be honest, my husband and I have had a very difficult marriage. I have not loved, liked, or respected my husband for many valid (and some not so valid) reasons. We were pregnant when we married, and I did not want to marry him, but felt it the "right" thing to do. He has been going around telling me AND our children that he was leaving us when our son graduates high school this year. Our marriage recently deteriorated to the point of me finding out about an affair, and lots of other "not so fun" surprises. After finding out about the affair, I "kicked my husband out." We decided to "work on things" I let him come back home, only to find out THERE WAS MORE! The reason I was so upset, is because I had asked and asked him if he was having an affair, and he always lied. AFTER I found out about the affair, I asked for "full disclosure" only to be met with more lies until I found out on my own. I kicked him out again with full intentions of divorce. Here's "the rub." I have become absolutely PSYCHO. I have gone from crying, being devastated, hating him and "going off on him" in texts, emails, in person, etc. to having bouts of wanting to be WITH him......wanting to even be close to him...........wanting to "fix things" .........wanting to be "all that I was not." And then I can quickly go back to despising him for what he has done to me/us. I have also had some great days where I have not had any contact with him, and feel free and "liberated," etc. THAT is how I wish to feel all of the time. We have talked like we never have before through all of this, but I am SO confused about my weird behavior and crazy "all over the place" emotions. Why can't I just hate him, get on with the divorce, and be done with it. I find myself obsessing over all of this. I have hacked into his various accounts to find out what he is up to. This is how I first discovered everything. Money will be an issue as well when we divorce. Is this all a "control issue?" I CAN be very controlling when it comes to my husband. I know that, but it's because he has screwed so many things up (finances, etc.) that I feel I need to be in control. Please help me understand what I am going through. Sorry I rambled, but just needed to express myself.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

the roller coaster ride of emotions is pretty standard response, you hate him for what he has done, but you have been together for so long he is almost part of you.

you should do an about turn, and stop contact (as much as possible) with him to help you settle your emotions, and get you head cleared a bit.
Prob not what you wanted to read though. Sorry


----------



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Thank you "Crankshaw." No, I don't mind your candor and I think your advice is spot on. It becomes a matter of "willpower" and self respect at this point. I still have a bizarre desire to reconcile, but I think this is probably one of these "You want what you can't have" deals and a need for control of the situation. I am going to cease contact unless a cordial reply, or something that has to do with the mechanics of the separation/divorce proceedings, or my kids. THanks again. GREAT advice, and I plan to take it.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

happy to have been of some help, look, there are some absolutely fantastic people here who are more than willing to help (online) as much as they can, don't be afraid or wary of asking


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your emotions are typical. I know mine have bounced all over the place over the last five years--and some days still do. Try to make decisions about your future when nothing is "tweaking" your emotions one way or the other. You may find an individual therapist to be helpful at this stage also.

Hang in there!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Totally normal. the wave of emotions one feels when going through a divorce are like a roller coaster, and that is putting it nicely. One day you're happy, sad, glad, angry, upset, psycho, wanting to bargain and romanticizing the relationship. You already said you know it was a bad marriage. Right now you are only thinking of the good things and feeling slighted that he stepped out --its natural to feel "less than" when you find out there's someone else. Whenever someone leaves, it's normal psychology to want something back you can't have or have lost in some way. Whenever we feel rejected it's normal to think something is wrong with us, that we weren't good enough. It's the nature of the beast & how humans are hardwired. My bet is you weren't really liking him before you found out about the affair, right? See? That's my point. 

All cheaters lie. So it's not surprising he only told you the "tip" of the affair. There is prob a lot more you don't know and prob never will.

My advice is to bow out gracefully. Don't go crazy on him. He has already lied to you over and over again. 22 yrs is a long time to be with someone but life does go on. Promise.


----------



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Thanks everyone. Still struggling. He actually told me a female "friend" who he's spent some time with asked him to meet her out tonight, but he told her, "No." YEAH RIGHT! LOL I also suspect he took one 'very young" female photo assistant with today on a photo shoot. I find myself wanting to know "the truth" about all of this, but he'd just lie to me, PLUS, I am just tormenting myself further. I still have this desire for him to "fall flat on his face," find out he can't afford to live alone, etc. I guess I want him to "hurt" like I am. I want him to find out that he would have been much better off never having strayed, (and other stuff) and I find myself wishing he would "come to his senses" and "nurture on the plant he already had." But, like Jellybeans said, I did not care for him anyway at all really. PLUS, no on top of all the other "lovely characteristics," he's a liar and a cheat. WHO WOULD WANT THAT? Don't think I could ever trust another man as long as I live. Sorry men, please prove me wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Totally normal. the wave of emotions one feels when going through a divorce are like a roller coaster, and that is putting it nicely. One day you're happy, sad, glad, angry, upset, psycho, wanting to bargain and romanticizing the relationship.


About the only one I haven't really had is anger, I have been annoyed at times, but not outright angry, maybe I ought to try that at some stage


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Kcrat said:


> Don't think I could ever trust another man as long as I live. Sorry men, please prove me wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Apparently I have a Harem (ask amimad!) feel free to join anytime you like, and :waves: I am known for telling the truth


----------

