# Fighting - What is normal in a marriage?



## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

How much fighting is normal in a relationship?

What is acceptable/normal in a fight? Is it normal for one spouse to use dirty tactics e.g. talking illogically, gaslighting, being extremely unreasonable, etc.

I probably have a few other questions but I'll leave it at those two questions for discussion for now.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't matter what's "normal". There are communications which are helpful to a marriage and those which aren't. With nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, "normal" is screwing up a relationship, have your kids raise themselves in a single parent household, and to grow old with tons of regrets.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> What is acceptable/normal in a fight? Is it normal for one spouse to use dirty tactics e.g. talking illogically, gaslighting, being extremely unreasonable, etc.


If you can't have a discussion without all of this going on, then it's better to not even bother. I don't believe it's normal for mature adults to 'fight' this way. Immature adults? Certainly. Poor communicators? Absolutely.

My husband and I have 1 big disagreement a year. At least in our 10 year marriage that's how it's been. And it's really not considered a fight... it never escalates to anything like that. We talk it out until we come to an understanding. No raised voices necessary.


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Doesn't matter what's "normal". There are communications which are helpful to a marriage and those which aren't. With nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, *"normal" is screwing up a relationship*, have your kids raise themselves in a single parent household, and to grow old with tons of regrets.


I don't consider myself slow (at least I hope not!) but can you explain what you mean by your post above, in particular "'normal' is screwing up a relationship"?

I'm sorry I couldn't quite grasp what you were getting at.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Targ said:


> How much fighting is normal in a relationship?
> 
> *What is acceptable/normal in a fight? Is it normal for one spouse to use dirty tactics e.g. talking illogically, gaslighting, being extremely unreasonable, etc.*
> 
> I probably have a few other questions but I'll leave it at those two questions for discussion for now.


For me personally, fighting is totally unacceptable. I will not engage in a fight.
Then there is the flip side, no arguing or discussion at all, no communication. This is what I lived for many years and it was not healthy.

Mature adults should not need to resort to fighting, it might be time for you and your partner to learn some better communication skills.

I have learned that I have certain triggers that upset me and could easily lead to arguments but they would be totally irrational and would destroy my relationship. I have a strategy to help me cope at these times and then I am more balanced and able to have an adult discussion. 

If my partner then used dirty tactic I would simply turn and walk away from him. He is however an extremely intelligent, respectful and emotionally intelligent man. He discusses issues, he does not fight or argue.
He also knows the strategy I have to balance myself if triggered, he gives me the space I need to get myself to a better place and he then shows he is ready to talk whenever I am ready.

I think fighting can be toxic and with each fight a little bit of the love is gone forever. I just could not be in a volatile relationship.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

To me, if you're using the word "Fighting" that automatically assumes that dirty tactics are being used. Raised voices, calling names, twisting words, stonewalling.....all of that is intolerably disrespectful to me. Just not acceptable. Two adults should be able to speak calmly and respectfully, even when they disagree.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Targ said:


> How much fighting is normal in a relationship?
> 
> What is acceptable/normal in a fight? Is it normal for one spouse to use dirty tactics e.g. talking illogically, gaslighting, being extremely unreasonable, etc.
> 
> I probably have a few other questions but I'll leave it at those two questions for discussion for now.



i think its normal to fight this way, buuut, working on communication, and "right fighting", using your words while realizing words have power, can be a new normal to work towards.

if you are having a heated argument its ok to just drop it until cooler heads can come back to the subject. figuring out how the 2 people in the realtionship want to solve the problems, and your own language for disengageing and bringing subjects back up.

a few people here said they dont yell, but we yell and cuss, but thats our "normal". sit down and talk about fighting and how the two of you can resolve things, and if the current system is working, and how can things be talked about without it getting out of hand, and how can so back and forth be avoided.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Fair:

Inside voices, listening, reflecting, considerate of feelings, agree to disagree, resolution that works for both.

Unfair:

Bullying
Name calling
Sulking
Silent treatment
Yelling
Passive-aggressive
Throwing objects
Hitting
Threats
No compromise


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Doesn't matter what's "normal". There are communications which are helpful to a marriage and those which aren't. With nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, "normal" is screwing up a relationship, have your kids raise themselves in a single parent household, and to grow old with tons of regrets.


Somebody's been watching too many Lifetime Original Movies.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Healthy conflict is an essential part of being in intimate marriage. The problem is too many couples do not have good conflict resolution skills. THey may range from avoiding conflict, to rapid escalation. Both patterns can destroy intimacy. Healthy couples do not avoid conflict and difficult discussions, but have basic ground rules that they follow, such as not name calling, staying on track. keeping to one issue at a time, taking time outs, etc. And they make quick repair after a fight so that distance does not grow between them.
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT author, The Couple's Survival Workbook


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Doesn't matter what's "normal". There are communications which are helpful to a marriage and those which aren't. With nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, "normal" is screwing up a relationship, have your kids raise themselves in a single parent household, and to grow old with tons of regrets.


I agree with this. Instead of using the word normal for now, I'll say that it's "natural" for people to resort to defensiveness, cross-accusations, criticism, and blame when disagreements arise. These things hurt relationships, but are so common that they could be called "normal." 

For me, the goal when disagreements come up isn't to be normal. In my marriage, the goal is to find a win-win solution so that we don't experience one of us "losing out" in order for one person to be content.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It truly depends on the marriage. What is an acceptable level of arguing in one, might be a marriage killer in another.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I wish we fought, but we almost never do. I just wish the fighting was more productive. And the idea of make up sex which I know people who have, never had that.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I wish we fought, but we almost never do. I just wish the fighting was more productive. And the idea of make up sex which I know people who have, never had that.


LOL... probably because it's an over-rated, dysfunctional idea in the first place. (Make-up sex).


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> LOL... probably because it's an over-rated, dysfunctional idea in the first place. (Make-up sex).


And yet, my friends who have had it, tell me it is great and I am missing out.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I wish we fought, but we almost never do. I just wish the fighting was more productive. And the idea of make up sex which I know people who have, never had that.


My wife and I never fight. It sure isn't because of me though, as I came from a family that could get a good row going on a regular basis. But she never argues, ever. She's extremely uncomfortable with it. Took me years to get use to it, end even now I might adopt a heightened tone, but she never matches it.

So now I would know there would be some _major_ issues if we suddenly, after going on 13 years together, suddenly started fighting.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Doesn't matter what's "normal". There are communications which are helpful to a marriage and those which aren't. With nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, "normal" is screwing up a relationship, have your kids raise themselves in a single parent household, and to grow old with tons of regrets.


I don't always agree with you but sometimes you have some real gems :smthumbup:


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> My wife and I never fight. It sure isn't because of me though, as I came from a family that could get a good row going on a regular basis. But she never argues, ever. She's extremely uncomfortable with it. Took me years to get use to it, end even now I might adopt a heightened tone, but she never matches it.
> 
> So now I would know there would be some _major_ issues if we suddenly, after going on 13 years together, suddenly started fighting.


I come from a family that keeps things to themselves, buries it deep down in, sometimes letting it come out and explode at some random type for something small later on. 
Very healthy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Targ said:


> I don't consider myself slow (at least I hope not!) but can you explain what you mean by your post above, in particular "'normal' is screwing up a relationship"?
> 
> I'm sorry I couldn't quite grasp what you were getting at.


Sure. "Normal" would imply doing that which most other people do. Most people (in modern, developed, western cultures) have bought into the lie that success means the fulfillment of all of their selfish desires, making them suck as marriage partners and parents. Both are positions of service. 
"Normal" married relationships are stressful, dysfunctional, financially frightening affairs, producing ridiculous debt, kids incapable of supporting themselves or of sustaining their own healthy relationships, and two adults who stay in a constant state of disatisfaction. 
One's goal should be to have a freakishly abnormal relationship where each partner puts the others' needs and the needs of the relationship before their own selfish interests. "Normal" looks like attaining the age of 85 and looking back on two to three failed marriages, two or three worthless, indifferent kids, being old and dependent upon the government, and having little or nothing to show for working 65 years. I don't want to be "normal". I don't want to argue with my wife over stupid crap even once and certainly not repeatedly. I don't want my 30 year old kids living in my basement. I don't want to be 75 and working at WalMart to make ends meet. I don't want to owe a red cent to anyone. I don't want to spend a minute of my life worrying about what I don't have or what someone else has. To live and die in contentment is abnormal.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Targ said:


> How much fighting is normal in a relationship?



If a couple has a "fight", then it should be addressed directly and rectified as soon as possible.
If a couple has a "fight" often (monthly would be too often for me, but for here, let's say weekly), then you have a serious problem.

*"Is it normal for one spouse to use dirty tactics e.g. talking illogically, gaslighting, being extremely unreasonable, etc"*
No

What are you calling a "fight"? Everyone has disagreements, but when I hear "fight" I imagine raised voices, frustration and extreme anger.

T


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