# Lost in limbo



## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

I'm so lost and confused. I felt we were drifting apart slowly over the years but nothing near divorce. So I thought therapy would help, and I soon learned how unhappy he was. We had been attending marriage counseling for 8-9 months. Our therapist said we are in the normal 7-8yr itch, hard time phrase raising 2 young kids (4 & 5) but saw our relationship issues as treatable with time & effort. Once Covid hit in March, we put it on pause with everything going on. Immediately after stopping, he just switched back to his old checked out ways. As if he didn't have to put in the work because we had no one to report to bi-weekly. I tried to still work on the tips we learned in therapy.
Well..........Last night he mentioned the "we need to talk about our relationship". My heart sank. We both cried, but there was no answers or resolution from him. I asked about starting up therapy again, switching therapist in case he didnt think that one effective, does he wanna make this work, does he see any hope. No response other than IDK, I need time to think. He left for a run to clear his head and said we'll talk when he got back. Ten minutes later & a shower; he just hopped in our bed and turned on the tv. During that time I laid crying in the guest bedroom. When I finally went in there to see if the conversation would continue, and his response was the IDK response. I decided to sleep in the other room that night to give him space. 
I spent all day reading articles on marriage saving techniques. I asked again him tonight about where we stand since I love him and wanna fight for us. Should I contact our current Dr. or look for a new one. Same IDK answer. 
How long do I and my two little children sit in limbo? Do I have him stay with his parents a few days while he figures it out? Do I wait out this awkward conversation/small chit-chat and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells waiting for a YES lets work on things or NO its a divorce after 8 years of marriage. Keep sleeping in another room and give him space?
I just don't know what to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I would keep it as simple as possible and ask him what he wants..... sleep in other room... move out for a while.... sleep together? At this point everyone is confused and flustered. Calm is key


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I'm sorry to hear this. It seems that all men go through this unhappy with being married phase.

I know, because I did.

When the kids came along, I was less and less at the centre of my wife's attention. It was all about the kids 24/7 with her. I was so low on the totem pole I felt alone and unattractive.

My recommendation is to keep sleeping with him in your bed. Make him feel special about himself. Take a shower and get into bed with him naked. Make sure you are attractive and well dressed every day. Do things for him that you know he likes.

Prepare his favorite meals often. Bake his favorite pie or cookies.

And most importantly, don't withdraw from him sexually. I know it's hard for a woman to want sex when her man is less than attentive towards them, however, you should give him all of the sex he can handle. Don't hold back, give him things that will surprise and please him.

Try more counseling, but don't drag him there. He HAS to WANT to be there. At minimum, go for counseling for yourself.

If that all fails, be prepared to go through a legal separation and possibly, a divorce.

JMHO.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LisaP said:


> I'm so lost and confused. I felt we were drifting apart slowly over the years but nothing near divorce. So I thought therapy would help, and I soon learned how unhappy he was. We had been attending marriage counseling for 8-9 months. Our therapist said we are in the normal 7-8yr itch, hard time phrase raising 2 young kids (4 & 5) but saw our relationship issues as treatable with time & effort. Once Covid hit in March, we put it on pause with everything going on. Immediately after stopping, he just switched back to his old checked out ways. As if he didn't have to put in the work because we had no one to report to bi-weekly. I tried to still work on the tips we learned in therapy.
> Well..........Last night he mentioned the "we need to talk about our relationship". My heart sank. We both cried, but there was no answers or resolution from him. I asked about starting up therapy again, switching therapist in case he didnt think that one effective, does he wanna make this work, does he see any hope. No response other than IDK, I need time to think. He left for a run to clear his head and said we'll talk when he got back. Ten minutes later & a shower; he just hopped in our bed and turned on the tv. During that time I laid crying in the guest bedroom. When I finally went in there to see if the conversation would continue, and his response was the IDK response. I decided to sleep in the other room that night to give him space.
> I spent all day reading articles on marriage saving techniques. I asked again him tonight about where we stand since I love him and wanna fight for us. Should I contact our current Dr. or look for a new one. Same IDK answer.
> How long do I and my two little children sit in limbo? Do I have him stay with his parents a few days while he figures it out? Do I wait out this awkward conversation/small chit-chat and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells waiting for a YES lets work on things or NO its a divorce after 8 years of marriage. Keep sleeping in another room and give him space?
> I just don't know what to do.


I am sorry to say, but it is pretty obvious that he is done. When he says "I do not know" he is avoiding the serious conversation. He himself is probably not ready for it yet. If eight months of therapy did not help, I do not think there is much more to do here. I am saying all that from the position of person who was like your husband.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ah_sorandy said:


> I'm sorry to hear this. It seems that all men go through this unhappy with being married phase.
> 
> I know, because I did.
> 
> ...


if she was a man she would be told the opposite - to do 180. She would be told not to be a doormat.


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

Last night I wanted to give him space to figure out what he wants. Yet, he is asking me if i wanna join him watching TV. Which I did. And I also asked at bedtime if he wanted me to sleep in guest bedroom or together. He said "whatever u wanna do". I responded, "I just want you to have time and space to clear your head". He responded, "whatever you wanna do, i dont care, our bed is fine". 

This is why I am confused. Along with him asking last night about my opinion on future projects around the house. That honestly don't need to be done if he plans on getting divorce.

Note: I am physically in shape, enjoy makeup & dress nice. So attraction isn't the issue.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I think he's just having a hard time breaking it to you that he's done, very sadly. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LisaP said:


> Last night I wanted to give him space to figure out what he wants. Yet, he is asking me if i wanna join him watching TV. Which I did. And I also asked at bedtime if he wanted me to sleep in guest bedroom or together. He said "whatever u wanna do". I responded, "I just want you to have time and space to clear your head". He responded, "whatever you wanna do, i dont care, our bed is fine".
> 
> This is why I am confused. Along with him asking last night about my opinion on future projects around the house. That honestly don't need to be done if he plans on getting divorce.
> 
> Note: I am physically in shape, enjoy makeup & dress nice. So attraction isn't the issue.


Are you sure that he is not cheating? I am not saying he is, I just don't know.

Has the sex life been ok, is he stressed at work, is there anything else that could be going on???

Men do this, I get that, I hope I have not been this bad, but obviously he is having issues.

Honestly, 9 months of MC... Something should have improved. 

That is a long time, I am thinking 1) he is not being honest about something or 2) he really does not know what is going on with himself...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

@LisaP - it took me years living in limbo like this, planning house projects and doing all the “normal” stuff because I was too scared to start the divorce process. At one point you even start thinking that this can go forever but it eats you slowly from inside.
He doesn’t want to break family, he feels guilty, he still cares about you, he is thinking about financial consequences -all of tgese and more things are Going through his heart. It is big decision and he doesn’t want to make it lightly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LisaP said:


> I'm so lost and confused. I felt we were drifting apart slowly over the years but nothing near divorce. So I thought therapy would help, and I soon learned how unhappy he was. We had been attending marriage counseling for 8-9 months. Our therapist said we are in the normal 7-8yr itch, hard time phrase raising 2 young kids (4 & 5) but saw our relationship issues as treatable with time & effort. Once Covid hit in March, we put it on pause with everything going on. Immediately after stopping, he just switched back to his old checked out ways. As if he didn't have to put in the work because we had no one to report to bi-weekly. I tried to still work on the tips we learned in therapy.
> Well..........Last night he mentioned the "we need to talk about our relationship". My heart sank. We both cried, but there was no answers or resolution from him. I asked about starting up therapy again, switching therapist in case he didnt think that one effective, does he wanna make this work, does he see any hope. No response other than IDK, I need time to think. He left for a run to clear his head and said we'll talk when he got back. Ten minutes later & a shower; he just hopped in our bed and turned on the tv. During that time I laid crying in the guest bedroom. When I finally went in there to see if the conversation would continue, and his response was the IDK response. I decided to sleep in the other room that night to give him space.
> I spent all day reading articles on marriage saving techniques. I asked again him tonight about where we stand since I love him and wanna fight for us. Should I contact our current Dr. or look for a new one. Same IDK answer.
> How long do I and my two little children sit in limbo? Do I have him stay with his parents a few days while he figures it out? Do I wait out this awkward conversation/small chit-chat and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells waiting for a YES lets work on things or NO its a divorce after 8 years of marriage. Keep sleeping in another room and give him space?
> I just don't know what to do.


See a lawyer to learn about out your options.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You were in MC for 8 months, did things improve during that time? Was your husband committed, doing the work, and wanting things to get better? You said after MC he went back to his old ways because he had no one to report to bi-weekly... the MC isn't a parole officer! You don't just behave because they are watching you. So I hesitate to believe he actually wanted to do the work and improve/save the marriage. 

It's possible that he's just done but is having a hard time admitting that to himself or breaking the news to you. 

MC is not just to improve/save the marriage. Even if you divorce you would benefit from seeing a MC together. They can help make the transition smoother for you and the kids, get some closure, help with co-parenting, etc. So something you could do, to get out of limbo, is present MC to him that way instead of as a way to "save the marriage". He could also have a 1:1 session with the MC to work out his IDK without you around. If he keeps saying IDK to every suggestion then make the appointment for him and see what happens. 

You need to set a time limit for yourself. How long can you live like this? From what I've heard from therapists, most say 3-6 months and if nothing has changed it's time to move on.


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

For some reason the alerts stopped coming, so I didn't think anyone commented lately. 

If he is having an affair, he is good. His office is down the street from our house, only 2 male staff, never weird about me popping over unannounced or using his phone. Password all the same on phone, laptop, desktop. Home nights & weekends. We are a very social couple, so together when not working. So nothing really unusual.

As for MC, it was 8 months, bi-weekly. Started with just me, husband attended some together (subject to his work schedule, finding a sitter, him not interested in going that particular day) and he did 2 solo appt for Dr. to get to know him. So how that compares to traditional therapy IDK.

I know in his early 20's (before me) he had depression and briefly saw a therapist. But said it didn't do anything for him & stopped attending. When our therapist asked how he managed it, he responded "I just did". Never seen meds in our 10yrs together.

I wont deny that it has been a slowly decline of intimacy & affection. After our 1st kid, sex became less on my part. Affection became less on both. Kid #2, sex was more less often (my part once or twice a month) and less affection on both. This is what made me go to Dr. to see if it was a mental or physical thing on my part. 
Labs seem fine, and no pass trama/psychological issues therapist reported. 
After talking and meeting us, it seemed to be "we are in the trench of 7yr itchy, young kids marriage issue". Therapist said this is perfectly normal but its our communication skills that suck. She definitely tried to get my husband to open up and called him out politely on being closed off when trying to get stuff out of him. I feel when we went together; we were definitely trying to take her advice/tips into account while seeing her. But once Covid hit: he went right back to his old communications ways & no affection.
Could it be him & issues he is dealing with? Could our issues be adding to it? I know people that had to see a few therapist to find the right one to help on various topics....... Does he need individual therapy? Would finding someone new with a different approach help us? Or stick with the one that already knows alot about us/our past/our upbringings? Is he avoiding his true feelings--- take a **** or get off the pot please!
I love him and so wish for this to be our rough patch to look back at.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LisaP said:


> For some reason the alerts stopped coming, so I didn't think anyone commented lately.
> 
> If he is having an affair, he is good. His office is down the street from our house, only 2 male staff, never weird about me popping over unannounced or using his phone. Password all the same on phone, laptop, desktop. Home nights & weekends. We are a very social couple, so together when not working. So nothing really unusual.
> 
> ...


I think he probably would benefits from individual counseling to help with his communication problems. But he would have to be interested in it first. It sometimes take few tries before finding the right match.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

It sounds like depression with the don't know / don't care/ whatever you want responses. If he's unwilling to get treatment, you have the options of accepting the situation or divorce. 

It sucks because it probably doesn't have to be that way but he might decide to be a martyr to his pride. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I wont deny that it has been a slowly decline of intimacy & affection. After our 1st kid, sex became less on my part. Affection became less on both. Kid #2, sex was more less often (my part once or twice a month) and less affection on both.

1-2× month i would be livid with my wife and very resentful. Physical intimacy is way for some men to open up and be more affectionate. It can be what bonds us to our wives. When the physical is crumbs, then they shut down emotionally and show less affection to protect themselves. It's a death spiral. Woman has less affection so she is not as into physical intimacy and withdrawls more and the marriage gets closer to the ground.
The less intamacy the more a wife becomes like a sister or just a female family memder. I am not affectionate in that way toward a woman i do not perceive as my wife.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Hi there!
I think you both might possibly be depressed. There also might be resentments on both sides. I know life gets in the way, but I'd say give MC therapy another try...is there any way you're able to find a therapist who would do the sessions on the phone? I have heard a lot of them are willing to do phone appointments. Also, if I were you, I would make a solo appointment first to let therapist know your husband regressed once therapy sessions stopped. I also think I agree with ah_sorandy to dress up, give him a bit more attention, but don't be overbearing. You also need to be assertive, don't ask him what he wants (in reference to whether you should sleep in your bedroom or guest bedroom). Make a decision, you're an adult! But I'd say sleep in your regular bedroom.


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

Update:
Monday night I had appt with Therapist via online. Husband was in attendance but not fully invested. She spent 30mins trying to get him to open up because she said there is some type of past trama there since he can not recall good/bad childhood memories at all. (Bday parties, getting grounded, nothing). She said this could be a reason for some of his issues with withdraw/communication. From there she recommended we go to a EFT therapist since that seems to be core issue she is seeing. That hurt. Feeling double dumped now.
I sent her referrals to my husband and he has yet to take any initiative to look into it. I explained I can't want this for him and if we aren't going to whole heartily try with our guards down; we should just end the marriage. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 nights and he mentioned he feels I am pushing him further away. (Why be in same bed when my foot touches you, you pull ur leg closer to edge of the bed). We keep circling around him taking some type of initiative with EFT therapy. Either picking the new dr, booking an appt or telling me to book appt, just something! If not, end the marriage.
Now he is asking if his side of the family can come over for a joint Bday party (him & his brother) this weekend. I explained I can't put on a facade around his family while I am in pain due to this limbo of knowing what he wants to do. I mentioned to be honest with his parents that we are having marriage issues and maybe this weekend isn't the best time. He got sad. I stated I can leave during that time than if he wants to hist here. I also mentioned if you dont wanna do EFT, i can continue for weeks/months till you decide your really done. Said maybe we should put house on the market, meet with lawyers, liquidate assets. He said we don't need to do that and he left for work......... here I sit in confused limbo day #12. Checked mentally out of work today.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LisaP said:


> Update:
> Monday night I had appt with Therapist via online. Husband was in attendance but not fully invested. She spent 30mins trying to get him to open up because she said there is some type of past trama there since he can not recall good/bad childhood memories at all. (Bday parties, getting grounded, nothing). From there she recommended we go to a EFT therapist since that seems to be core issue she is seeing. That hurt. Feeling double dumped now.
> I sent her referrals to my husband and he has yet to take any initiative to look into it. I explained I can't want this for him and if we aren't going to whole heartily try with our guards down; we should just end the marriage. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 nights and he mentioned he feels I am pushing him further away. (Why be in same bed when my foot touches you, you pull ur leg closer to edge of the bed). We keep circling around him taking some type of initiative with EFT therapy. Either picking the new dr, booking an appt or telling me to book appt, just something! If not, end the marriage.
> 
> Now he is asking if his side of the family can come over for a joint Bday party (him & his brother) this weekend. I explained I can't put on a facade around his family while I am in pain due to this limbo of knowing what he wants to do. I mentioned to be honest with his parents that we are having marriage issues and maybe this weekend isn't the best time. He got sad. I stated I can leave during that time than if he wants to hist here. I also mentioned if you dont wanna do EFT, i can continue for weeks/months till you decide your really done. Said maybe we should put house on the market, meet with lawyers, liquidate assets. He said we don't need to do that and he left for work......... here I sit in confused limbo day #12. Checked mentally out of work today.


So, I think you stick to your guns. Just like you are doing except that you need to set deadlines that are more firm and sooner. 

You are never going to be able to get through this unless he decides to get help. You don't want to live like this. 

It seems that he is in denial about something in his past. 

I think 1 week is more than enough time for him to pick a therapist and get started. 

This has been going on to long already, it is time for him to get real or get out... 

Stay strong.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I’m going to go in the opposite direction of the others. You’re driving a car without any wheels. You’re going to get nowhere talking, begging and pleading with him. He’s obviously checked out and doesn’t care about you or your marriage right now.

You need to do a 180 and go no contact as much as possible (Google It if not familiar). I would even go a step farther and say one of you...preferably him since you have kids...needs to move out..maybe in with a friend or family member. He needs a punch to the gut..to know you mean business and to get a glimpse of what life will be without you. Us guys are stubborn as hell. We get fat and happy in a marriage and are usually blind to the unhappiness in our wife. Most are not going to make changes until our hand is forced.

Just my 2 cents


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

LisaP said:


> ...
> I also mentioned if you dont wanna do EFT, i can continue for weeks/months till you decide your really done. Said maybe we should put house on the market, meet with lawyers, liquidate assets. He said we don't need to do that and he left for work.........
> ...


I think this points to him wanting to stay in the marriage. I think you might get the best results by continuing on this path. Tell him that you can't accept the status quo. If he is unwilling to work on the marriage, you are going to file for divorce and all those things are going to happen.

Good luck!


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

Thanks Dadto2. 
I suggested Tues that he stay at his parents or brothers for a few days to figure it out. He didn't. Weds night I placed his pillow in guest bedroom. He was shocked and got tearing eyed, and went downstairs & put TV on. I followed and stated how I think he should go to parents/brother's to clear his head, have some him time, think about if he wants to work on things or not. His response was "this is my house and I don't want too. You can go and I'll handle the kids". Last night he slept in guest bedroom again. 
With a 5 & 4yo, I just cant leave the house. And school here is starting on the 25th, so I definitely can't go with busing pickup/drop off mom mode  Maybe if I go CRAZY on him, he might temporarily leave. But thats just not me, so IDK.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree you should get your own attorney, a family attorney. It's very likely he's already talked to one. You want to do your own planning and not leave it up to him and you're being too passive.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s frustrating because he is acting like the victim when I believe you are. It’s ok to have marriage problems, but you need to know if your spouse is in it 100%. I feel the mental/emotional torture you are going through. 

My personal view is that you should love him hard during this difficult time. I don’t think you would regret doing this if things didn’t work out. Make him feel guilty and bad for leaving a marriage where there is someone who loves him very much and is willing to do what it takes to make it work.


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