# How much time does your husband spend with you?



## Garage_Widow

Hello, this is my first post here. I don't like to talk to my friends about my husband because I feel they will be biased and once the idea is in their head, it's there!

I've been married for nearly 25 yrs. The first 15 sucked! We seperated and were on again, off again for about a year. He begged me to come home and promised me things would change. In a lot of ways they have. 

Before, he was very verbally & emotionally abusive. For about the first year, we did everything together. It was almost too much togetherness! Now, he goes to work, comes home, rests for about half an hr. in bed and then up he goes and out into his garage to work on his hobbies.

Everytime I go outside, he's on the phone with one of his fellow hobby buddies. Yackity, Yack! I swear, he spends more time on the phone than any woman I know! Then around dark, he comes in, eats, watches a little TV, surfs the net...looking at boards that have somthing to do with his hobbies and then to bed.

We don't like the same kind of shows on TV, when I ask him to go anywhere with me, he either doesn't want to go or puts stipulations on it, like, OK but, we're only staying for a little bit, etc..

Bottom line is, I just feel like we don't spend much quality time together. Just because he's in the garage doesn't mean he's with me. I don't want 100% of his time, I understand he works and needs time to do the things he enjoys but, shouldn't one of those things be spending time with his wife?

He has many good qualities but, I feel he's very selfish. It seems he would have learned a lesson when I left him but, it's like it never happened. 

I want to be wanted.

We've had several conversations about this and he immediately gets mad, raises his voice and I end up feeling like the bad guy. It almost feels useless to talk to him about it anymore.

Am I being unfair?


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## Hope1964

Here's a book you might benefit from

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

You can also take the online quiz.

From what you wrote it doesn't sound like you're being unfair. You do need to do things together. Maybe a different approach would help?


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## Garage_Widow

I believe that's the problem, he doesn't want to. I've asked him if he he just doesn't enjoy spending time with me and he always says he does but, actions speak louder than words. 

On the weekend, he spends a great deal of time and I do mean, a great deal, doing his hobby. He's had a hobby since the day we married and I suppose he always will. That's fine but, I'd like at least equal time. Just equal, not more but, definitely not less.

Our children are grown, so that's not an issue. I'd just like to take a walk with him or go to a movie. About the only thing we do together is go out to eat. We eat, pay the check and come home. That's it.

We have two little dogs that we both adore, we love our kids I think that may be all we have in common.

I just don't know which way to turn. I will definitely look into these books. Thank you for the recommendation.


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## Coffee Amore

Another book I'd recommend is _His Needs, Her Needs _by Dr. Harley. He talks about the importance of having uninterrupted time each week with one's spouse. He recommends 15 hours a week for people in good marriages and 20 hours a week for those with issues in the marriage. I KNOW that sounds impossible to do, but the hours add up especially if you spend most of Saturday and Sunday together, throw in evening walks on the weekdays and dinner time together.

I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable.


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## Garage_Widow

Thank You  

I did take the assessment.

1	Words of Affirmation
12	Quality Time
3	Receiving Gifts
9	Acts of Service
5	Physical Touch

He's very good about giving compliments and praising me for things. But, he never helps around the house or spends time with me. 

I think I'll ask him to take the test too. I'll look for this book as well. I doubt I can get him to read it though. When we were seperated we read men are from mars & women are from venus, on the recommendation of our therapist. I hated reading with him at the time, now I'd give a lot to just have him interested in something with me. He's not a bad man, he's just very selfish with his time. He's much rather run out to help a friend, than to help me.


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## Garage_Widow

I didn't mention and I probably should...
He drinks, 4-6 beers every night, without fail. I don't drink. I sometimes wonder if that has something to do with our problems?

I can't ask him to run and pick up dinner because he will not drink and drive..which is good, in and of itself but, it's really a drag.

He doesn't put high expectations on me, which I appreciate. He makes a decent living and never complains about how much money I spend. I do however fuss at him for spending money on his hobbies and beer when we go out. It's very rare that he doesn't have 3 or 4 beers when we go out to eat. I think it's such a waste of money! I'm very frugal I guess? Maybe I shouldn't complain about that?

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore.


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## notperfectanymore

Wow Garage Widow....you could be me (minus the kids).....

We have 18 years in the the similarities are scary (garage hobby junkie) We never had major problems before...I have bought and read the books...he "listens" says we don't need to read that stuff, things change for about a week, then I am once again put to the bottom of the priority list and taken for granted.....

I hope things work out for you!


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## Hope1964

So your love language is Quality Time and Acts of Service. If he's giving you compliments and praise, that doesn't do much for you, but I would guess they would for him. You're each speaking your own love language.

I hope he will read the book and/or take the quiz. At least if you show him your own results and explain it a bit, he might realize what's going on.

Another book that I simply can't say enough good things about is this one

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert: John Gottman: Books | chapters.indigo.ca

It has to be worked through by both partners though - it has a lot of exercises in it. You can get a lot out of it reading it on your own, but it really works magic when both spouses are working at it.


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## Hope1964

That is a lot of beer every night. That said, I do like to have a nightcap or two most evenings myself. Although if I know I have to drive somewhere I don't.

Does he hang out in the garage and drink because you disapprove? Or he thinks you do, even if you don't?


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## notperfectanymore

Is your husband slightly OCPD & controlling? My hubs has major signs of obsessive compulsive personality...but I do to...just in different areas...the garage thing, phone time thing, and stipulations on outings are my hubs to a T....

He will also VIGOROUSLY check all locks several times before we leave...will FREAK OUT if we or anyone else meeting us is even a couple of minutes late....and will stress until he is 100% comfortable that we will reach our destination on time...

(my OCPD has to do with house cleanliness, etc...he doesn't participtate in that, and I'm good with it  )


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## Zanna

Coffee Amore said:


> Another book I'd recommend is _His Needs, Her Needs _by Dr. Harley. He talks about the importance of having uninterrupted time each week with one's spouse. He recommends 15 hours a week for people in good marriages and 20 hours a week for those with issues in the marriage. I KNOW that sounds impossible to do, but the hours add up especially if you spend most of Saturday and Sunday together, throw in evening walks on the weekdays and dinner time together.
> 
> I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable.


:iagree: My H and I also read this book and now aim for 15-20 hours a week. We spend a couple hours a night together watching TV, talking or making love. We also plan a date for the weekend (or two) and make sure to text and talk through-out the day if we're not together.


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## Garage_Widow

Thank You, Everyone! 
No, he doesn't stay in the garage because he thinks I disapprove of his drinking. He knows I'd rather he not drink so much but, my husband doesn't let very many people's opinions sway him..including mine. 

He used to be a lot more controlling than he is now. He's still somewhat "in charge" but, I can deal with it. I don't think he's OCD. Although come to think of it, when he gets on one of his projects, it seems like that's all he can think of, talk about or do. 

I'm really considering going back to a counselor. Our last therapist just flat out told him that he was a real ass, among other things. We had a solid year of counseling and it really did help. I think we may need a refresher.

Thank You for all the book recommendations. Everyone's responses are greatly appreciated.  

BTW, I'm going to keep track of how much quality time we spend together, this week and I'm going to write it down and show him. Maybe that will open his eyes.


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## Garage_Widow

I almost couldn't believe it. My husband came home from physical therapy last night...he had knee surgery about a month ago...his knee was taped up, which relieved the pain he'd been having. He explained to me why it worked and I said, so, you could we could take the girls (our dogs) for a walk? He said, if YOU want to. I do find some of his verbage, passive aggressive but, I took him up on it. 

We drove to a near by park and walked for a while. 

Sometimes I think I pass up offers like this because I know he doesn't really want to go but, is doing it to appease me I probably shouldn't do that. I really do appreciate it when he does things for me like this. I texted him and told thank you, while he was at work this morning and told him I love him. 

Praying this is the beginning of something good.

While I'm out today, I'm going by the library to see if I can find any of the books suggested.

Please keep us in your prayers.


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## Coffee Amore

That's progress. I hope the library has those books.


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## Dad&Hubby

One thing that really helped me was that The Five Love Languages is an audio book too. 

Your husband needs to learn to speak your language, and you might be surprised how he really feels if you're not speaking his.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I'm married to a loner who likes to be by himself.

Yet he's managed to get married twice--why would a loner get married when he wants to be alone--makes no damn sense to me.

Anyway...my husband has the same issue. 

When I complained that we didn't spend time together, he said - well, you're in the room right now, aren't you?

So - to prove my point, I did the math - work time, sleep time, etc.

And it came out to a grand 39 hours a week that we were awake and in the same room or car together - that's out of 168 hours a week and if you take away 8 hours a night average sleep time - that equates to 39 hours of awake time out of 112 awake hours available.

So at 39 hours a week, we're only in the same room/car an average of 35% a week - and that's too much time to ask - apparently so.

I've read the 5 Love Languages and mine is physical.

His is acts of service.

We're on the polar opposite of this. He is perfectly content to sit in total silence watching TV--his idea of a good time - not mine.

He has a mancave and it's supposed to be HIS - well, I actually barge in and sit down to spend time with him. If he doesn't like it - tuff crap - he has yet to ask me to leave, so it must be "okay."

Go out to the garage like I did the mancave, ask what he's doing, ask about his "hobbies" - you might find some interest. 

We don't like the same shows either and since he wouldn't compromise for mine, I decided to compromise to his. So when I was in the mancave I started watching Criminal Minds, Burn Notice, Seinfield re-runs, etc., and much to my surprise--I ended up loving these shows and still watch them alone and with him.

My point being - you're probably not going to get him to really change--he is inherently who he is--someone who likes to do their own thing.

So you have to "force yourself" into his world. He might not like it at first, but he'll adjust and it will become routine--it worked at my house - I bet it will work at yours.


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## memyselfandi

In my opinion, I think you two have just fallen into a pattern after being married for so many years. It happens. That doesn't mean you can't fall back into the patterns you had when you were first married either.

I'm glad there was a book available that can help you both. In addition, I would suggest maybe a date night for the both of you. Sometimes setting aside a night where you can both spend some quality time together really can set the mood for the rest of the weeks to follow, whether it be going out to eat somewhere away from home..or just having dinner at home and enjoying each other's company there.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out great!!


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## VermisciousKnid

What is Quality Time? My W thinks it is her opportunity to complain about work, complain about this, complain about that, complain about the weather, think up things to add to my to-do list. In other words.. nothing remotely pleasant, stimulating, or constructive. And she wonders why I don't want to spend time with her. I tried talking to her about her relentlessly negative attitude but she doesn't get it. 

So I guess my point is your idea of quality time and his could be different.


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## SimplyAmorous

Me & mine spend likely more time than most couples would even desire......from early on, we've been pretty much inseparable / Best friends .... when I 1st started dating, my GF's used to complain about me, cause it was all about him - when we met. 

It really hasn't changed over the years. I'd rather be with him over anyone in this world, I've told him he is the only person I can spend 24 hrs a day with and not want to throw him over a cliff. Amazingly he feels similar about me. 

We are not under each others feet by any means... with as many kids as we have, and running, we do our own thing...but we enjoy being close to each other....in the same vicinity/ same room (on our computers many times) ... same house, even if he works in the garage, he tells me he likes my company.... he told me once if he had a cave, he would want me in it ~~ this goes completely against what the Author says about men in "*Men are from Mars, women are from Venus*". 

And when its night time...we shut the kids out...







- snuggle up to some TV...on his days off.... we spend near every waking moment together -while they are in school...treasure our alone time... Whether it is riding bikes, watching a movie, taking a walk... even working on a project together. 

Outside of sleeping, I'd say we spend near 3 hours a day, then on his (2) days off - a good 8 hours , which would = 31 hrs a week ! YIKES ! Overkill some might say!

But neither of us feel clinged too, smothered or wanting to get away from the other. It's just who we are. We are both HIGH in "*TIME* & *TOUCH*" ...our top natural "Love Languages" .... We've taken the tests a few times and it's uncanny how our digits are near the same, only being off by 1 or 2 in the same category.


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## FirstYearDown

Your screen name and first shows your frustration, which I feel is perfectly justified. Why would your husband shout at you just for saying you miss him? Has he attended any anger management or counseling to help him deal with his abusive tendencies? 

My husband spends about three hours a day with me in the evening, more on the weekends. I'm just about to close the computer and pay attention to him as I have become overly attached to the internet.


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## Thewife

we are together pretty much all the time except working and travelling hours, most of the time its family time like attending to kids family dinner, tv etc. As for couple time its usually 1 hour at night after the kids are in bed and 1 date night on saturdays or fridays. We are pretty much okay with talking anything weather, romance, politics, sports, celebrity, friends, extended family etc except kids, work and parenting because thats where our daily lives revolve around and thats not included in our date nights or quality time. 

In my opinion, its not how much time you spend its how you spend, what you do and what we say to each other. Its best to learn the love language of your spouse and make them want to have time with you.


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## Coffee Amore

What I've learned from our experience is that having time together means more than physically being in a room together. If your husband is in the living room on his laptop and you reading a book, it's not really time together. Find a hobby to do together, volunteer together doing the same activity, go for walks, go on date nights or date lunches, make meals together, play cards or a board game or even a video game, but the point is to interact. If you're both silently sitting in the same room for hours without interacting, it really doesn't qualify for time together except in the literal sense.

There's nothing wrong with one being on the laptop and the other reading a book (this happens at our home sometimes), but the bulk of our time together isn't spent this way.


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## CharlieParker

So true CA, cooking comes right after sex for us. I wanted a new hobby, guitar, I now think it's not going to happen, takes up too much quality time.


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## nandosbella

We spend every waking moment together thats not spent at work. He spends every saturday night with his friends, but its just a few hours. Our weekends are just for us, so theres 24 hours right there. And we probably spend 5 or 6 hours hanging out after work during the week. Whats that... 50 hours? sounds like a lot 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane_Doe

Yeah, H and I are ALWAYS together. We don't do the whole separate activities thing. The only different hobbies we have are his graphics and my art, so we're on separate computers, but I'm hoping to move both computers into one room so we can at least *BE* together and chat still while we're doing it.


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## Garage_Widow

VermisciousKnid said:


> What is Quality Time? My W thinks it is her opportunity to complain about work, complain about this, complain about that, complain about the weather, think up things to add to my to-do list. In other words.. nothing remotely pleasant, stimulating, or constructive. And she wonders why I don't want to spend time with her. I tried talking to her about her relentlessly negative attitude but she doesn't get it.
> 
> So I guess my point is your idea of quality time and his could be different.


I do not consider myself a negative person, quite opposite really as I believe in the power of attraction. In other words, the words and feelings we put out into the universe is what we attract back to ourselves. So, with that said, I do know I've attracted him into my life. How? I don't know. As I said before, he's a good man, hard working and very friendly. He's just obsessed with his hobbies. 

Like today, he was up and out the door by 8 AM and I haven't seen him since. He's been working on a new trailer that he uses for his hobby. I'm ok with that today. I'm enjoying my alone time and we did go to a high school football game last night to see my niece in the homecoming court and then out to eat with my parents. He did all of that for me, not him and I appreciate it very much. I usually tell him thank you for the things he does for and with me.

I'm sorry you consider your wife a complainer. I don't think that's our problem.


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## Garage_Widow

I will get him to do the love language test to see what his love language is. I mean, it's only fair, right? 

I want him to be happy and I know he loves me very much but, sometimes I feel he's just head over heals in love with his airplanes!  Last night he said he was contemplating building a drag car! YIKES! I put my foot down and told him, one big hobby at a time and he agreed. Thank God, because if he hadn't, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't mean to make him out to be a horrible person at all. I know we were raised differently and that makes a different adult and partner. My family is very loving, affectionate and we always spent a great deal of time doing things together. His family was very different. His father was abusive to his mother and older brother. His parents divorced when he was young, my parents are still married...I believe this has a great deal to do with how we both function as adults.

You've all given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate each and every response. Thank You!!!


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## SimplyAmorous

Garage_Widow said:


> I will get him to do the love language test to see what his love language is. I mean, it's only fair, right?


I did a thread on this - a couple different Tests in this link >>


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## Garage_Widow

Me
Love Language Scores:
12 Quality Time
9 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch
3 Receiving Gifts
1 Words of Affirmation _(Although I do love it when he says, you're hot or you're awesome, which he does quite often. I wonder if I'm taking this for granted?)_


Hubby
Love Language Scores:
11 Physical Touch
8 Words of Affirmation _I have got to work on this!!_
5 Acts of Service
3 Quality Time
3 Receiving Gifts


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## milesawayfromsomewhere

I saw the name notperfectanymore and that completely stopped me in my tracks, because thats how I feel. My husband also spends most of his time on his hobbies, and it seems so selfish to me. We used to be bestfriends, we have been together since we were 14 years old. I even stayed through a 3 year affair he had, because he was honest and I believed in him. We did make it through it, but now our life that used to be so perfect, seems so far from it. He plays softball 5-6 nights a week, and goes out with his friends afterwards. When he comes in at 1am he thinks I am supposed to be greatful that he came home early! If he is too tired to go out and falls asleep watching TV in his recliner, then I am supposed to be happy that he was home and spent time with me! I used to have an amazing marriage, and I do take some responsibility in how we got where we are, but I just want to figure out how to make our decision to stay married worth being married, because it is starting to feel like the pain and insult of it being this way isnt worth it anymore. I just joined this forum, because I started a blog and have been blogging to no one for about 10 days, in hopes of finding someone to talk to other than my friends... they have watched our soap opera play out and most of them have no idea why I am still woth him. It makes me feel like I can't talk to them anymore. I just wanna laugh, I wanna smile, and I want to feel like myself for awhile... because I am starting to forget who that is!


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## Garage_Widow

I'm so sorry. I do understand the lonlieness that you're feeling. Have you talked with your husband about how you feel? Do you go to his ball games with him? Do you have children? 

I don't know how you stayed with him through a 3 yr affair! My husband had what I'll call, an indiscretion. I didn't find out about it until years later and it's been ten years since I found out and it still eats at me! This week has been particularly hard for some reason.

Do you ever ask yourself, why you're staying? Maybe you deserve a few nights out with your girlfriends. If you suggested marriage counseling, would he go?

I wish you much luck.


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## milesawayfromsomewhere

Our lives have been one big unending conversation about how we feel since he started having an affair, it opened up way too much communication really... 
Up until April of this year, I went to every game he ever played, even when he was with his mistress, we were still always together and really close... In April, he told me he didn't need a babysitter anymore that he felt like I was keeping an eye on him, making sure that he wasn't going to cheat again. I actually really enjoyed cheering him on, but I can see how my insecurities made him feel the way he does. I did choose to forgive him, and I try not to bring up his past mistake, but it was a big part of our life, and I do ask too often who is texting him, and when he tells me where he is, and who he is with I passive agressively joke that he is with his girlfriend... 
He tells me constantly that he won't make that mistake again, but that my insecurity drives him crazy and he wants to be able to live like a normal man and have friends and a life without me needing to be their every second. It has caused some issues to say the least. We have some friends that are marriage counselors at a church, and they have tried to get us involved in some marriage groups. He says that he doesn't want to discuss the affair with people anymore because we lived it pretty publicly and everyone already gave him their advice. 
I just really want my bestfriend back, it is so wierd not to be by his side all the time. Our daughter is 13, and between the 2 of them not needing me around all the time, I feel misplaced. I do have great friends, and I started playing on a softball team myself this season and I just joined a bowling league... he told me to get a life and I am trying... it just feels wierd that he doesn't want to be my life anymore.


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## girl friday

I am in a similar situation to you but mine differs because we work together. 

Other than working together we really don't spend a lot of quality relating time together. Like your husband mine also has a lot of garage hobbies, at the moment he is rebuilding a dirt bike and before that was a boat. Mostly in the evenings he has his dinner then disappears downstairs to his computer then comes to bed and picks up his book. 

In the week ends he spends most of one day in his garage and then the other one is usually spent with one of kids kids watching their sports. Then both week end evenings will be spent on the computer and/or with his nose in a book. It seems to me - anything but relate to a human being.

I am also at the stage where both my kids are moving on with their lives. One has left home and the other is out loads with his friends. I can see where the old mid life crisis comes from.


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## Garage_Widow

It's just so sad the things we do to each other. To people we vowed to love honor and cherish.


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## indiecat

We are in MC again. One thing they told us is that we can't expect the other person to be like us. They love us in their own way. For many men providing and fixing things around the house is the way they show love. 
The texting your appreciation for the time spent was a great idea! Positive reinforcement rather than negative. 
If he is in his garage and you go out and talk to him how does he take that?


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