# Husband dislikes my parents



## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

Hi everyone, I am dealing with a recurrent problem that is driving me crazy and unfortunately I am starting to question if I want to stay in my marriage or not. 

I have been married for almost 5 years with a wonderful 18 month old son. My husband and I live a 3 hour flight away from both of our parents (home), who live in the same city/neighborhood as each other. There really weren't any issues with our parents and each other until my son was born. Long story short, all of our parents and sisters were staying in our tiny apartment for the birth of our son (10 people total). The night before I had my son, myself, my mom and my husband were all having a discussion about the birth and my mom was trying to calm my husband down who was getting nervous and he yelled at her. She left the room crying, he never apologized. One week later, we are still all together, now with our baby, my husband puts on the TV to watch football, and my mom puts on the washing machine which was nearby to wash our baby's clothes. He told her rudely to take it off, she didn't hear, so he yelled at her and flinged up his hands in front of everybody. She quietly turned it off and went outside on the balcony where she remained for the rest of the night. She stayed with us for an additional 5 weeks after everyone left to help us with the baby, and my husband never apologized to her and they had very little interaction. It was very uncomfortable. She said she would never come back, but a couple months past and she returned for Xmas with my dad, as well as a few months afterwards and there were no issues. 

Fast forward almost one year at my sisters wedding reception. The hall screwed up the seating and my in laws table was behind the stage along with a couple of other tables. They were angry about that and expected an explanation from my parents. I talked to my dad about it and he said he was going to talk to them but he didnt. 

A few months later was my son's first bday party. Everybody and then some flew down for the big party, about 14 of us staying in our apartment. Everything was going well, until the day of the party, where my husband got drunk because he was drinking with his friends and his father, and when we were all cleaning up, he started cursing out my father. My sister and I were there and witnessed most of it. He started accusing my dad of things that never happened, then bringing up things from BEFORE our wedding, and really saying hurtful things and getting in his face. MY dad walked away and stayed that night in a hotel and left the next morning. It was terrible. My husbands dad who was also drunk, witnessed the whole thing and didnt say a word or try to stop my husband. When my dad returned to the apartment after the incident where my mom/MIL and aunt-in-law were, he told them what happened. My MIL said what my husband did was wrong but also brought up the incident with the washing machine a year prior and told my mom she was partially to blame for that. My parents weren't too happy about that. Since our parents have returned to their homes, they have not had much interaction with each other, whereas before they used to talk fairly often.
Mind you, that night after the incident, my husband continued to drink with his father, his friends and my cousins, saying my dad is a coward and if he sees him he will slam him into the wall. When he returned to the apartment he was looking for my dad (who I dropped to the hotel) and when he realized he wasnt there said that he can never come back to visit his grandson again. He also said he has been disrespected. My mother and sister were there and heard everything.
We went through a really rough time after that. I was (and still am) really angry. MY parents feel hurt, disrespected and don't feel comfortable coming back for a while. My husband went to couselling and it took him 3 months to apologize to my dad over the phone, and it was a nice apology. But my husband maintains that his parents shouldnt have been seated where they were for my sisters wedding and my dad should have talked to them about it, and that was why he got so mad at my dad. He also says my parents interfere too much. I wont go into too many details now, but his parents are as equally controlling, and interfering, his mom has even gotten involved in one of our private arguments and yelled at ME (and never apologized); and I have never disrespcted, yelled, or cursed at them.

We have told both our parents to leave us alone for the past few months to help us sort things out, which they did. We have been doing better, but have not yet done couple counselling. So we havent had any visitors for about 6 months. We even moved to a house in this timeframe and my mom was supposed to come help, but she cancelled her trip. Until a month ago when his mom asked to come visit in June. Fine. I asked my parents if they want to come in May and they are still not ready. They are planning however to come in December to celebrate my moms 60th bday and xmas and go on a family vacation and my husband has agreed to that (for now).

We are also seeing his parents in May in NYC for a wedding. So my husband asks if we can go home in April for his friends bday. Fine. I ask if we can go in may for my cousins bday, which is actually going to be away from the city at a cottage. Fine. He asks if his parents will see my son during that trip. I said when we arrive and leave but we will be spending the majority of the time at the cottage. But your parents will see him at the wedding (we will be staying together) and in June. So now he doesnt want my parents to see my son in April!!! He says its not his problem if my parents dont want to visit us and his parent shouldnt have to "travel the world" to see our son!

WHAT? I am dumbfounded. So basically he can treat my parents however he wants, to the point where they dont feel comfortable visiting us and when we do go back home, he doesnt want them to see my son? I thought things were better, his feelings were improved but clearly not. Its like he doesnt want my son and I to have a relationship with my parents. He says I should defend him to them and make them visit us, as well as make them apologize to his parents for the whole wedding seating thing. I dont understand. Its killing me and its the only source of friction for us right now but its a big problem. We cant seem to agree. We need to go to couple counselling to have a third party mediator, but I need some help from you wise people, I cant continue in like this in our marriage. I shouldnt have to choose between my parents and my husband. I feel like its starting to affect the way I feel about my husband, as sad as that is.

Any advice is appreciated!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Insist on counselling. He is being unreasonable. 

And you both need good boundaries with both sets of parents. His mum should not be involved in your disputes at all. 

He sounds controlling. Not wanting your parents around. 

How is his general treatment of you?


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

Thanks for your response.

He treats me well overall. There have been issues in the past where he's gotten very angry and yelled and cursed at me, gets in my face. And I've been scared. Usually when he's been drinking. I've questioned leaving before. I probably should have.

But now this involves more than just us, our son and parents.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You are describing abusive behaviour. 

It's more important now that you don't put up with it, because you have a child. 

You should not have to be worried that he will drink, or that his drinking will lead to bad behaviour. 

Please read the book "Why does he do that: inside the minds of Angry and controlling men" 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

It's really cheap in kindle. I read it for my domestic violence class at university. It has some wonderful insights and whilst not all of it will apply to you, some of it will. 

It will help you understand why does what he does and that the alcohol is not to blame for his behaviour- he is. The alcohol is his excuse. 

I would insist on counselling. 

You don't deserve to be treated badly or to ever be scared of your husband.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Was he always like this towards your parents? Or is this something new? 

When he is angry, does he tend to lash out and not have a normal conversation? 



needyouradvice said:


> The night before I had my son, myself, my mom and my husband were all having a discussion about the birth and my mom was trying to calm my husband down who was getting nervous *and he yelled at her. She left the room crying, he never apologized*.
> 
> One week later, we are still all together, now with our baby, my husband puts on the TV to watch football, and my mom puts on the washing machine which was nearby to wash our baby's clothes.* He told her rudely to take it off, she didn't hear, so he yelled at her and flinged up his hands in front of everybody.* She quietly turned it off and went outside on the balcony where she remained for the rest of the night. She stayed with us for an additional 5 weeks after everyone left to help us with the baby, *and my husband never apologized to her and they had very little interaction.** It was very uncomfortable. *S
> 
> ...


Not cool. Not cool at all. There are either some holes missing from this story or your husband is completely off his rocker. It is NOT ok for him to treat your parents (or anyone) like this. You mentioned that your mom said she was to blame or that you dad did but you didn't give further info. Did they do something mean/rude/disrespect your husband? 

If it's just something as simple was running a washing machine or not having seats changed at a wedding that leads your husband to totally go ham on your parents, then you are dealing with someone who has a big anger issue and thinks it's ok to disrespect his wife's parents like this.

Most people like this don't suddenly turn this way. So I am gonna go on a stretch here and guess he's probably lashed out at you the same way. 

Unless there is more to this story. You said husband called your dad a coward. For what? Why is he so angry/resentful to your parents? Are we not hearing the entire story? 



needyouradvice said:


> He also says my parents interfere too much.


Expand.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

needyouradvice said:


> He treats me well overall. There have been issues in the past where *he's gotten very angry and yelled and cursed at me, gets in my face. And I've been scared*. Usually when he's been drinking. I've questioned leaving before. I probably should have.


Wrote my post before I read this and can't say I am surprised. At all. 

These types usually get worse over time.

That book recommendation LittleDeer gave you is a good one. You can get it at the library for free.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I wish I had good advice for you, but I do have an observation.

I dislike my MIL, to put it mildly. In my view, she's unbearably negative and self-absorbed. (I like my FIL just fine). But I'm always polite and friendly as I can stand to be (short doses help), never rude, and I never bad mouth her to my wife. My wife knows how I feel without me having to gripe. My kids are fairly close to their grandparents, and I wouldn't dream of limiting their contact.

Which is one way of saying that your husband, and apparently his family as a whole, are acting like a bunch of immature d!cks. Unless you're leaving something out, their and specifically his behavior is inexcusable.

The common theme you see, here and elsewhere, is that folks are generally always supposed to be supportive of their spouse in any dispute involving family. That's true to a point, but only to a point. I guess the advice I can offer to tell your husband that you're not going to tolerate crap behavior, whether towards your family or otherwise, and that he'd be well-served to adjust his attitude.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GTdad said:


> I dislike my MIL, to put it mildly. In my view, she's unbearably negative and self-absorbed. (I like my FIL just fine). But I'm always polite and friendly as I can stand to be (short doses help), never rude, and I never bad mouth her to my wife. My wife knows how I feel without me having to gripe. My kids are fairly close to their grandparents, and I wouldn't dream of limiting their contact.


OP, pay attention. This is how a man of character would act. 




GTdad said:


> I guess the advice I can offer to tell your husband that you're not going to tolerate crap behavior, whether towards your family or otherwise, and that he'd be well-served to adjust his attitude.


:iagree: He will either take you seriously or not. He sounds like a rage case though.


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

Hi all, thanks for your insight and recommendations.

So some more background info...

my husband (H) and I knew each other growing up, as well as our parents. Once we started dating, my mom didnt like the idea (which my H knew) but she got over it. I moved away for professional school after 3.5 yrs of dating, we continued long distance for 4 more years, got married, then long distance again for an additional two years. Then he moved down to join me and start our life here. The inital plan was for me to move back after I finished school but I really liked it here, and we discussed it and we agreed to establish our life here for now.
Throughout this whole time, there were no issues between our parents, or my parents and him. Because I was away during most of the wedding planning, he did a lot of things with my parents, but at the time he never complained. It's only now he said that they were controlling and he didn't like some things they did or said, but this is 5 years later.

He has lashed out at me multiple times before and after we got married. Thats how he is when he gets angry, he cannot have a normal conversation. He really insecure, although he doesnt like to admit it, and accuses me of cheating on him on multiple occasions, usually when we argue. He is also not as educated as me, and therefore does not make as much money as me. He is a mamas boy and lived with his parents until the age of 34, when he moved down here with me. He took the move hard (because he was initially unemployed then landed a great job) and up until this day, tells me that he has sacrificed everything for me, left his life to be with me, and that Ive done nothing, and that no one else would ever do this for me. Also, we have not been intimate in almost two years. Yes, two years...since I was pregnant. Why? He always had an excuse, tired, stressed from his job, I was pregnant, new baby, no sex drive, medication, and the list goes on. He denies cheating on me and although I believe him, I sometimes wonder. 

Today, we live in a beautiful new home, are financially stable and independent, have a beautiful son and are doing well in our careers. On the surface we look great. 

With regards to our parents, there really wasnt any problems until my son was born. he says my parents interfere because they give us suggestions on how to do things. He thinks they tell me what to do and how to live my life and how to raise our son. And that I dont stand up for him when they do or say something he doesnt like. MY parents, nor myself, are not perfect by any means, but they do not do that. He thinks that they are constantly bad talking him to me, and that they tell me to leave him, which again is not the case. Hes completely paranoid. When I facetime with my parents (I call them when I am available), its for them to see their grandson. They ask how work is going, how the house is, how we are doing, thats it. They are letting me make my own decisions. I have been living away from home and financually independent for 9 years, they know they do not need to tell me how to run my life. But my H is convinced they do that! Maybe I am not as open with my parents as he is to tell them to not say something that he doesnt like, but he complains about little things. Like calling our son a nickname that my grandfather called me...he doesnt like the name. But yet his parents can call our son whatever they want. 

Meanwhile, his parents have "interfered" the same or worse, and I dont say a damn thing, at least not until the incident. Mainly because Im not confrontational and I dont see it as a big deal, because they are just trying to help. Its up to us to take their suggestions or not. 
My MIL has told me when to have my baby, what vehicle to buy, how to set up my house. My FIL has tried to tell me how to manage my money, that I shouldnt be buying expensive things...WTF? And I just nod and politely respond. Because I have respect and character.
Furthermore, I think my in laws are obsessed with our son. HE is the first grandchild on both sides. We asked my mom to stay with us for 6 weeks to help us (ME) with him after I had him, H had no problem with that. His parents booked their flight for his birth without checking the dates with us first, they did that on anotehr occasion as well. And apparently his mom was upset that I didnt ask HER to stay with us after the birth. I want my MOM! Ask any daughter and thats what their answer would be! And she HAS a daughter! His parents call multiple times a day to facetime with our son. ITs annoying. But I dont say anything, because most of the time its when Im at work. And they kept asking to visit us even after H told them to back off, so now theyr coming in June. They are much more intrusive than my parents, but H doesnt see that.

Overall, none of our parents are difficult, annoying people. They are pretty normal. But he makes everything my parents say or do a big issue and im not going to sit back and let him treat my parents that way and he cant recognize that his parents do the same things.

H keeps saying that the reason he got so angry at my dad was for the wedding seating thing. His fam is so pissed off about this, they feel like they werent part of the family and disrespected. I asked a few ppl and they dont seem to think it was a big deal. But my H claims that is the source of his anger. And that my dad didnt explain it to them - why the hall screwed up (how the heck could he control that...we show up to the reception hall and thats how the tables were set up, it was too late to change anything). He called my dad a coward because he spent that night in a hotel after my H cursed him out. My dad wanted to leave because he knew my H would come back to the apt to try to start something and he didnt want to deal with that. And thats exactly what my H did. 

MY parents think he is an alcoholic. And dont like the way he treated me that night (he yelled and cursed at me in front of both of our fathers and my sister and cousins). MY parents will support me 100% in whatever I decide to do, but they are letting me make my own decision. 

Im just tired of this. Our life could be so great, and i thought his anger had resolved with the counselling he did but last night, the things he said about not letting my parents see our son, makes me realize that he has not changed and never will, and he has something against my family. Its like him and his family dont want my family to be a part of our life. And it breaks my heart. Im very close to my parents, they are loving, normal people, they have helped me through my education and they deserve to enjoy their grandson.

We will go to counselling together starting next week but if nothing changes, I'm ready to call it quits. Theres just too much water under the bridge. I'm not afraid of being alone, but I'm afraid of the custody issues that we will face.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I suggest anger management for your husband. Although I will say that if two dozen people were in my house I would either flip out or run away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, so to surmise: he yells at you in front of others, gets in your face, has emotional outbursts, gets so mad at your mom that she cries and he doesn't apologize; calls your father a coward when he respectfully removes himself from your husband's rages and goes to a hotel to sleep; can't let go of his rage feelings about a simple wedding seating chart (that was not even about your own wedding); has a drinking problem, tells you nobody else would do for you what he has done (CLASSIC abuser line), and has not had sex with you in two years, despite you trying, and rejects you sexually all the time.

Girl, you know what I am going to say right? 

Eh. 

Can I ask why your mother wasn't into the idea when you started dating him? I am curious.

Also, you will probably get more responses if you post this in the General Relationships thread. That thread section gets a lot more hits/traffic than this family/parenting forum. You could ask one of the mods to move it there for you. Or you could post it there yourself.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What he's doing is classic abuse. Please please read the book I recommended. 

You deserve better. You deserve a respectful caring loving husband, who desires you and treats you the way you deserve. 

Please don't put up with this awful behaviour.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

scatty said:


> I suggest anger management for your husband. Although I will say that if two dozen people were in my house I would either flip out or run away.


I disagree anger management does not help abusive men. 

If he keeps his temper at work etc then he has the mentality that he is superior and he chooses to be abusive.

Abusive men don't have an issue with their own anger they have an issue with other people disagreeing with them or standing up to him. His issue is not his own anger, it is his lack of empathy and caring for others. He's very selfish.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Husband has alot of growing up to do. He probably has his reasons but none of them are valid cause he is being abusive. His parents should have checked him on this also.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> If he keeps his temper at work etc then he has the mentality that he is superior and he chooses to be abusive.
> 
> Abusive men don't have an issue with their own anger they have an issue with other people disagreeing with them or standing up to him. His issue is not his own anger,* it is his lack of empathy and caring for others.* He's very selfish.


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

Thank you all. And yes, I understand everything you are saying and I do not want to tolerate this behavior anymore. It makes me very sad but also a bit relieved. We will start counseling together next week so we will see how that goes. And I will read the book.

My mother didn't like him initially for superficial reasons; she thought he wasn't good looking or educated enough for me.

I will repost in the new discussion, thanks for the tip.


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

Actually how do I get a modulator to do it? It's not letting me copy and paste. Sorry I'm new here!


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

needyouradvice said:


> Actually how do I get a modulator to do it? It's not letting me copy and paste. Sorry I'm new here!



You have to PM one of them (Frenchfry, Deejo, Amp or CoffeeAmore).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

needyouradvice,

How does your husband act towards you friends?

Your husband is abusive. Abuse is about control. Most abusers will work to cut you off from your family and friends. As time goes on, he will wanting more and more control over you. Controlling your son gets him more control over you.

Your mother took weeks out of her life to help you AND HIM, when your son was born. His reaction to your mother starting the washing machine is completely unreasonable. She's not his servant. She graciously gave her time to help him. (this is only one example of how his thinking process is skewed)

He is doing this to your parents and about your parents to drive them away. He will not stop until he has abused them so badly that they choose to never come around you and your children again. That is his goal.

Normally I would tell a couple to stand by each other. But your husband is wrong. If you think he's been hard to deal with so far, wait until your he's driven your parents off. What you are experiencing is the tip of the iceberg.

Do you want your son to grow up to be like this? Do you want him to grow up in home where this is what he sees day in and day out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I put in a move request for you...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/techni...d-move-general-relationship.html#post12096825


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## Mike_77 (Apr 24, 2013)

*R: Husband dislikes my parents*

About 1 week wuth 10 people in a tiny apartment plus 5 additional week with mother in law. 
Poor guy I bet he went nuts.

I am going to host my mothet for 2 weeks and after my mil for other 2 and I am really scared to go crazy!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: R: Husband dislikes my parents*



Mike_77 said:


> About 1 week wuth 10 people in a tiny apartment plus 5 additional week with mother in law.
> Poor guy I bet he went nuts.
> 
> I am going to host my mothet for 2 weeks and after my mil for other 2 and I am really scared to go crazy!


I agree that 10 people in a small place for a week is not a good idea, crazy making. Hotels are better.

But the MIL for 5 weeks... she was helping. Do not take advantage of a person and then abuse them.


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

Thank you for moving my post!

My husband acts ok around my friends, and they like him. Has never limited me going out or socializing but does have jealousy issues when it comes to make friends so I really don't have any.

And yes, that is my biggest fear...my parents never wanting to come back. They are slowly warming up again but he is upset that they do not want to come back yet. And then he wants their time to be limited when we do go home to visit, so that his parents can have more time with our son, because that's "fair". This is how it's been every trip home since we have had our son, a constant time struggle usually with his parents getting more time. It makes me so anxious. And I am normally not an anxious person.

I do not know if counseling will change his way of thinking. And I do not want this to continue or get worse. It's a major source of stress for me and the past 6 months since the incident happened have been so hard.

Yes, I do agree that 10 people in an apartment in a lot to deal with. But that is no excuse. His parents booked their flights without finalizing their plans with us, so they were there for 10 days. I had to deal with an unexpected c section, being a first time mom with crazy hormones, trying to breastfeed and learning how to take care of a baby and not once did I blow up at anybody. My mother help me take care of our son, cooked for us, cleaned, did all of our laundry, and he barely spoke to her for those 5 weeks because she told him to calm down the night before my csection and that she didn't hear him when he told her to take off the washing machine. Unbelievable.

And to this day, he firmly believes that when my parents say they don't want to visit us right now I should "stand up" for him...that I'm not being supportive of him. I don't know what he expects me to stand up for. He knows it's putting a strain on our marriage, and it's like he's Blaming my parents for that. He just doesn't get it that they are not returning because of him.


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

*male friends


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

needyouradvice said:


> *male friends


Please explain what this means?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does sound like your husband is working to isolate you. He is making everything about him. No matter what your parents do, or you do he is seeing it was either disrespecting him or an attack on him. 

It's a very convenient way to build a wall between you and your family. If they hiccup, it's all about him. With this tactic, you have to chose between him and your family.

This is not going to get any better.


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

I've always had male friends, and one in particular I used to hang out with a lot, sometimes one on one, going out for dinners, exercising, completely platonic relationship, he always had his own girlfriends. This was while my H and I were still long distance and although he knew the guy and I told him everytime I hung out with him, he didn't like it and since my H moved down we never hung out again. He gets mad if he texts me and has constantly accused me of cheating with him. Similar stories with a couple male friends back home when we just started dating.

I appreciate your insight and advice. It scares me to think of what this will do to our son, but I don't want to go on like this any longer. He is a great father and hard worker, has been supportive of my career and helps equally around the house, but this is a huge problem that is not going away. And you're right, it probably will get worse with time.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Maybe counselling will work for you. Your husband must change. He cannot continue to abuse you verbally in front of people and abuse your parents as well. I suggest you stop going to family and friend's events until you sort out your relationship.

You definitely must stop having relationships with your male friends. Your husband has set his boundaries and his disapproval of you having male friends. 

Continue with your counselling sessions. If your husband doesn't correct his abusive ways, you can decide whether you'll stay in this marriage or not. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I am disrespected by my husband in front of people.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He is not really a great father. Despite all the positive things he does for or with your child, these crazy outbursts will be a huge part of your child's formative years. 

Your son is going to grow up with this attitude. It WILL affect him. Either he will grow up to think "Dad is an idiot who can't control himself" which messes up your psyche to think of your dad that way.... or he might grow up thinking Dad is a hero who just says what he wants, and emulates him (which we know is crazy).

WHY are you still married to him? What is in it for you? It doesn't seem to be love, respect, positive attention, etc.... What do you get out of this relationship? 

I vote for divorce. You can't fix him. Leave him, go home.... he will make it ugly, mean, and hard. But he is doing that now anyway. 

Be the best positive person in your son's life. Fill his life with positive people.... he's always going to have that negative father, but you can rear him with love and positivity. 

I KNOW this.... my 5 kids grew up with a father like you describe. I stayed....for 23 years. I "raised them right", in spite of him. I always feared that they'd grow up to be like him. Especially the boys. All in their 20's, with relationships and families, I can SEE the positive effects now.... THEY can see it too. Once in awhile they say things like "all my parenting skills come from you Mom", or something positive that tells me they KNOW the difference. They grew up to be positive, productive, confident people (well, I am biased, I know)....except my youngest who is 23...he has issues. I think they are Daddy issues. It will sound stupid, but when they were little I had to explain often without trash-talking Daddy. I'd say things like, "Yes, Daddy said alot of rude words. But we don't need to say all that to make a point. We can speak and say our part without all those ugly words." Or, "No, Dad shouldn't have to get that angry or rage like that. There are better ways to communicate your feelings." It even sounded stupid at the time. 

All that to say... continue to BE the positive one for your son. Remove him from the negativity. It might be ugly for awhile, but your h will get over it, and maybe more positive in the future....


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

I am *NOT* taking your husband's side, just trying to get his perspective.

When you were dating, your mother didn't think he was good enough for you. Why did you tell him this? Do your mother's actions show she still feels this way? When your mother stayed for six weeks (waaay too long imho), did she interfere with him bonding with his own son and with you as a family? You may not see it this way but he probably does.

As for the wedding seating, I am calling BS on your and your parent's lame a$$ excuse that the hall just did it that way. When you rent the hall, you go over the table arrangements, shape of tables and number of seats per table. Putting *ONE* table *BEHIND* the stage and that one table is where your in-laws were seated? This was done deliberately and I have no doubt your mother was behind it. You claim your father said he would speak with the in-laws but he made sure he didn't. That is cowardly and sneaky. You are just drinking the kool-aid regarding all this.

Your mother is making it abundantly clear she doesn't like your husband and his parents. Honestly, I don't blame your husband for being angry. I wouldn't want someone around my child who thinks I am not good enough. Either they will start to treat my child the same way or start poisoning my child against me.

As for your husband accusing you of cheating - you were in an exclusive, but long distance, relationship with your now husband but saw fit to hang out one-on-one with a male who probably had the hots for you. You may not have noticed this, I highly doubt this, but it was abundantly clear to your husband. Even after marriage you continued the long distance relationship with your husband yet continued to hang out one-on-one with this other man.

I'm not saying your husband is perfect but you are also far from it. Either you are so naive about your actions or you think if you bat your eyes we will all believe your story.How much information about your marriage do you share with mommy and daddy? This just fuels their hatred of your husband.

You need a marriage counselor who will make each of you look long and hard at yourselves in the mirror. Waiting two years without intimacy is far too long.

IamSomebody


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## needyouradvice (Mar 11, 2015)

We are going to attempt counseling, starting this week. To date, only he has done counseling, about 6 sessions. We have not yet done couples counseling, nor have I done any on my own.

I came to this forum to get advice, and to get other perspectives on the situation, to see if maybe he has been justified in the way he's acted, so I appreciate the last post; however, there are some things I would like to clarify.

I told my H that my mother didn't like him because I was young and didnt know how to handle it. In retrospect, I shouldnt have, but at the time, I felt it was the right thing to do. I can't change that now. My mother didnt treat him differently once she got over the whole thing, and up until the birth of my son, there were no issues. She stayed for 6 weeks because WE asked her to, I had to start interviewing for new jobs 3 weeks after I gave birth, my H works full time and we had no family close by, so we needed all the help we could get for as long as we could get. IMHO, we were lucky to have great help for so long. Once my H came home from work, he spent all his time with our son and my mother went to her room. There was no interference from her end, and he never complained about that. I'm not sure what you mean when you say my mother is making it clear she doesn't like my H or his family. She doesnt like them NOW, but prior to this, there were no issues.

For the hall seating, there were 3 or 4 tables that were placed behind the stage, not just that one. And as I stated in my previous post, I know my parents and myself arent perfect and Im not claiming to be. My father should have explained to them what happened as he told me he would do, and he didnt which is an issue. But that doesnt justify the way my H acted and retaliated.

I didnt go into details about my H's relationship with other females, but he hasnt been an angel either. So I agree that I should not have had male friends but he has done similar things as well.

I do not discuss our relationship with my parents. Whatever they know about our marriage is what they have witnessed and heard with their own eyes and ears. I do not want them involved in my decision making because this is my life and I am making my own decisions. I live thousands of miles away from them, its not like I can go running to them when things go wrong. I deal with my problems on my own.

So yes, counseling is the next step for us, before making any rash decisions. If there are things I need to improve on myself to help my marriage, I will. I just dont want to be yelled at and my parents disrespected any longer.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I suggest individual counseling first. If he has anger issues, and it sounds like he does, couple counseling will go nowhere. If something comes up that he does not like to hear, his anger will act like a shield, and block out most of what is being discussed.

Before the relationship could be worked on, some of the personal issues has to be tackled. With the issue of your parents, whether he was right or wrong, he shouldn't of lashed out. Did he try talking before he lashed out, or did he simply lash out?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Okay, before everyone jumps on your husband and tells you how awful he is and says he is out of line let me say that these situations arise in families and they are innocent and when not nipped quickly continue to build until there are hard feelings like you are describing.

I think your husband was trying to be considerate of the baby sleeping but your mom was being absent minded, not that she didn't care. When your mom did not hear your husband I think that irritated him and maybe he was just purely frustrated....maybe he feels he has little he can say to your parents and so he's holding in but actions are coming out. I would also say the drinking incident could likely be the same reason....there is tension there, he is not comfortable, no one is talking about the real issue, your parents are expecting an apology but not considering the whole picture here. Your dad made a promise he didn't keep which lead to people being put in an uncomfortable situation. The way I see it, this is not one sided, your parents have had a part in this hurt and hard feelings and I do not think your husband owes your parents an apology solely. An apology might break the ice but it does not address the real issues.

I had something similar happen but it was me and my inlaws. I will spare you the details but it was a slow build of hard feelings for 15 years before I finally exploded. We have nothing to do with one another now. Family sided with inlaws as family will, I became an outsider and what I saw was the true people they were but of course don't expect them to see their own issues.

I don't blame your husband and I see no resolve unless the two sides are willing to see their own behavior and what was created and is willing to talk. I think your parents are wrong to expect your husband to apologize without them doing the same. If it were me in this situation I would be avoiding your family too.

I think it is time to honor your marriage and your family and let go of mom and dad and stop feeling you have to please them. You will lose your husband's respect and love. Your choice should be to love and support your husband not to allie against your husband.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I wish I had good advice for you, but I do have an observation.
> 
> I dislike my MIL, to put it mildly. In my view, she's unbearably negative and self-absorbed. (I like my FIL just fine). But I'm always polite and friendly as I can stand to be (short doses help), never rude, and I never bad mouth her to my wife. My wife knows how I feel without me having to gripe. My kids are fairly close to their grandparents, and I wouldn't dream of limiting their contact.
> 
> ...


Agree with this - my in-laws are fine, but her sister is a royal PITA who nobody likes (wife doesn't really know this part). Wife gets stressed out every time she talks to her and for some reason is scared of her. Like GTDad, I try to be polite (it helps that she doesn't live nearby) because I know how stressed out the wife gets about her sister (not that I won't blow up at her if need be, and I'm getting close to that point on a couple of matters). 

Tell your husband that his behavior is unacceptable, and that he better shape up. Every family has someone on the other side that is difficult to take, but most of us are able to deal with it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I've got to say, even in perfect families where everyone gets along ... repeatedly having 10 - 14 adults all trying to stay and sleep in an apartment sounds like an invitation for some kind of hell.


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