# Emotional Relationship



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

My husband and I are struggling in our marriage. For the past year, we've drifted apart. Four years ago, we lost our only child to a viral infection. That is another topic, but related to our struggles. Needless to say, we've been depressed and are trying to figure out life. Yes, we are getting grief therapy. According to my husband, I've been a bear to be around the last year. I would agree. I've been down, withdrawn, and not always in the best mood. Not for the entire time, but some of it. I've also been controlling and manipulative at times, which is not okay. I have a lot of issues stemming from my loss and my family life and want to be a better person. I'm trying to strengthen my faith and work on my negative traits. About a month ago, I discovered that my husband was having some sort of relationship with a girl half my age at his volunteer job. I had a gut feeling and checked his phone. Turns out they would text each other, meet at the gym, go for drinks and talk about me in a negative way. Nothing physical, but he crossed the line and flirted with her often. He never told me. I approached my husband about this and he said that he wasn't getting fulfilled in our relationship and needed outside support. I agree that I was not being the best support and was dealing with my own stuff. She was very supportive of him apparently. He admitted that his relationship with her was inappropriate and ended contact with her. However, now he thinks that he should be able to keep his friendship with her because I can't control every part of his life and he needs support from friends. I had another yucky feeling and checked his phone again, which I know was completely wrong. I came clean and told him that I did that. Turns out he texted her this weekend to check how she was doing. In all honesty, I feel sick about this. Ideally, I would prefer that they cut ties. They haven't been friends for long at all. However, if I ask my husband to do this, he'll say I'm controlling. I'm in a pickle. Any advice?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, it's a bit naive to think that he's been spending all this time with her and hasn't taken things physical. Rule #1 of emotional affairs is this:

EA + physical proximity to EAP = PA (physical affair)

Second, it's you or her. There can be negotiating or middle ground on this, and you need to make it painfully apparent for him. Otherwise she will slowly replace you in ALL aspects of his life, and that's assuming she hasn't already.

Third, NEVER feel like you've done something wrong by taking the initiative to verify -- for yourself and with your own eyes -- that your husband's behavior is above board, especially given his inappropriate relationship with this woman.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He should cut ties, totally. If he doesn't, then they are way more than friends and you both need to decide if being married is what he really wants, anymore. Can't have you and other women. I'm so sorry about the loss of your child.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Even if you feel something is lacking in the marriage, involving another person is a no-no.
Consult a counselor to identify and work on fixing problems or go for an amicable divorce.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

He needs to cut ties. He cannot work on developing a new relationship and fix the one he's in at the same time. I cannot even begin to imagine how that loss must feel for both of you, but his only options are focus on rebuilding a relationship with you or move on. There is no support a surrogate can provide in place of you that doesn't not replace you in other ways as well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Another woman half his age and gives him her time and "support"????

Yeah, it's inappropriate. He's not banging her yet or he'd be saying he "needs space" and is considering divorce. But he is wanting to. That's why he's contacting her and she is on his mind.

People aren't all that mysterious. Easy to figure out. Simple, really.

It's you or her. One of you needs to be out of his life completely. You have the right, and the authority to say it's her that goes. 

Stop apologizing. He's sensing weakness in you, and will fully exploit it. Human nature.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he needs support and friends, he can go to male friends or a counselor. He is playing with fire. For me it would be non-negotiable that their relationship ends and he has no more contact ever. If he doesn't, then I don't hold out much hope for your marriage tbh. You need to be strong and give him the choice, her or the marriage, and suggest some good marriage counseling together. 
Any sort of trauma puts a strain on the marriage, but this isn't the way to go.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

ktheuerkauf, I am very sorry for the loss of your child. I cannot imagine a harder thing to go through. I can completely understand that something like this places an enormous strain on any marriage. No matter how good or how strong that relationship may be.

Now to get to your husband's behaviour. Absolutely none of what he is doing or saying is acceptable. My husband recently had a largely emotional affair when I was very depressed. (He did not have sex with his AP, but frankly it was only a matter of time before that would happen.) My depression was a major one and went on for a least 2 years. I completely agree that I was not a "good" wife during this time - I was disconnected, irritable, and had very little energy for emotional engagement. I was able to be some kind of mother and wife, but I was certainly not anything like he deserved. He struggled to be the one who held our whole family together and had substantial pressures at work. And he also turned 40. But none of this entitled him to cheat on me. Not even all of it taken together. He vowed to be faithful to me and to do what he did and continue to be married to me was not true to that vow.

People of integrity who are in unhappy marriages can handle this in one of three ways:
- they can try and tough it out ... not recommended and likely to lead to massive resentment, but may be effective in the short term.
- they can share their unhappiness with their spouse and try and seek solutions ... together, working for a better, stronger marriage that meets the needs of both parties . 
- they realise that they are unable to continue in the marriage (for the sake of their own desires, health and wellbeing) and they exit it ... showing honesty, empathy and respect for their partner whilst doing so. 

I am going to say it again. Your husband's relationship with another woman (emotional or otherwise) is not OK. The fact that he shares his resentments and pain with another woman is not him dealing with these to the benefit of your marriage. It is him forging bonds of intimacy with another person who clearly does not have the best interests of your marriage at heart. It is him indulging his ego so that he can feel good at the expense of your peace of mind and emotional stability. His attempts to excuse his behaviour by blaming it on you, tell me that he would rather lie to himself so that he can continue to indulge in a fantasy relationship. (He wouldn't have hidden what he was doing from you if he didn't know it was wrong and counter to his marriage vows.) Which very clearly highlights his state of mind and priorities. As much as your tragedy has affected your state of mind, it has also affected his. You dealt with it by getting down, emotionally withdrawn and even manipulative. He has dealt with it and the effects on your marriage by being unfaithful to you. Because you should call it what it is. 

Based on what I have seen in my own life and here on TAM, the biggest motivator for ending an affair is to bring it out into the open and let the consequences begin to play out. Right now, your husband might be able to try and argue that he isn't doing anything that wrong. That this isn't an affair ... it is just him talking to someone who offers him support. And that your past behaviour (after a great tragedy) somehow deserves what he is doing. But I can guarantee that once he starts to feel the impact, once he sees the end of his marriage happening before him, once he faces his family/friends knowing what he has been doing and how he has been treating you, only then are things likely to change. You have told him that what he is doing is hurtful and unacceptable to you. He has told you that he doesn't care about that and that he is not willing to stop. Because what he is doing makes him feel good. The next move is yours.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off, I am so very sorry about your child. I cannot even imagine. 

Second, reason with him...how would he feel if you were 'dating' a man half his age for a listening ear? 
It is highly unlikely that this hasn't gone a lot further than he is admitting to.

Third, he has to stop completely, and be totally transparent with all his devices/social media/etc. If he doesn't want to be, then your marriage ends. She can have him...

Last, I would check his phone bills to see how often they have truly been communicating. I would put a VAR in his car or wherever he most likely talks with her on his phone. 

I'm afraid you only know the very tip of the iceberg.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ktheuerkauf It doesn't really matter if it has gone physical. Because it is already emotional.

You are both hurting and he has decided to offer his emotional being to someone else.

And that's wrong. 

If it does go physical, well, that's another set of issues that will need to be dealt with, STD tests, etc.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ktheuerkauf said:


> About a month ago, I discovered that my husband was having some sort of* relationship with a girl half my age *at his volunteer job.
> 
> I had a gut feeling and checked his phone.
> 
> *Turns out they would text each other, meet at the gym, go for drinks and talk about me in a negative way. * Nothing physical, but he crossed the line and flirted with her often.


KT,

First, you are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage, but the Affair is solely 100% on him. Stop blaming yourself for his betrayal.

Some sort of "Relationship"?

Meeting together at the bar for drinks, working out together at the gym, openly flirting, and the always present trashing the other spouse.

Don't kid yourself that this has gone physical. You can bet they have been kissing and holding hands like some love sick high schoolers, if not more. 

Bottom line... You caught him and he is not showing any remorse for his affair and actually wants to "continue" it openly in front of you. 

Time to Lawyer UP.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Buy him the book 'Not Just Friends" 
He is in an EA if not already a PA
Tell him it is not ok, tell him that it's either her or you. Be prepared to lose the marriage to save it. If he insists on keeping her, then tell him to move out. Then go see a lawyer and show him you mean business. Do not be soft about this, he is already threading on dangerous ground.
Are you still going to therapy? Continue with your healing. If your H cannot understand why you got to where you are then he does not deserve you. Losing a child was very traumatic for you both but that does not give him an exuse to share his pain/self with someone else.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

So sorry about the loss of your child. Seems understandable that it's difficult for the both of you. Not a sign of great character that your husband grieves and copes by bringing OW into your marriage. 1) when your marriage is struggling the worst thing to do if you care is turn to OW. 2) an emotional affair is just an early physical affair that has progressed yet. Same difference intent is probably there. 3) maybe everyone has their tolerance level but when you get that icky creepy feeling that is you body telling you that your tolerance level has been crossed. Listen to you body. 4) I find my H dating OW intolerable no matter what. That's my line. When grown ups spend time getting close, meeting secretly, finding places to be together that is dating. I don't know if there is coming back from that. Once trust is broken it doesn't come back 100%. I think people who say that it can are lying to themselves or stick their head in the sand. You don't judge people by how they behave when times are great, you judge them by how they behave in the bad times. Life always had bad times and having a partner you can rely on is the point of marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If he drops her are you prepared to be his emotional support?


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