# I think too much has happened to continue



## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

How could anyone really get over or contine to respect, love or live with a husband who cheated with other women during 5 years of being on internet dating sites behind my back, plus a father-in-law who instead of directing his feelings about what his son actions had done to me and our children, directed accusations about me and my family (who have done nothing wrong during this whole fiasco) and told me not to disrepect his son and made up things about my siblings that happened on my wedding day, when I finally broke down and told him recently about his son's cheating. 

I had neither my husband or FIL showing any empathy and they acted like bullies towards me, with neither one of them prepared to stop the other. Such cowards.

Did he chose to say something about my wedding day because that is supposedly a day in a woman's life that she is the happiest and he said something to destroy that memory?

What sort of a husband and in-laws am I dealing with?

Even though it is 2 years past d-day, my feelings for him and his family are at an all-time low and I want to get away from them all. How does anyone say they would want to save a marriage after this? 

My husband just seems to behave as things are normal, but there is something un-nerving I feel being with him. I cant put my finger on what it is about his personality. Maybe a sociopath who pretends to have feelings but he really has no depth. 

He joined me in the shower the other day and thought he would try for sex but I was in a hurry to go out. I tried to make it up to him that night and suggested it but he turned me down.

I do not understand the man I have lived with for 12 years. I think maybe I bring out the worst in him. I get so confused when I read other betrayed spouses saying they still love their partner and want to save their marriage. How do they get over such disrespect, lies, loss of trust, and betrayal, and also in-laws who did not condemn their son's actions but supported him and tore strips off me?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> I get so confused when I read other betrayed spouses saying they still love their partner and want to save their marriage. How do they get over such disrespect, lies, loss of trust, and betrayal, and also in-laws who did not condemn their son's actions but supported him and tore strips off me?


Do what's right for you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Do what's right for you.


:iagree:

NO ONE deserves the abuse you've received from your cheating husband and his enabling parents. You deserve much better than this.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Do what's right for you.


This really is up to you.

I admire you for getting this far and it shows admirable strength. Don't be afraid of the unknown . There are plenty of really nice people out there.

Start doing the 180 for yourself. This is for you. It will empower you to move on. 

For my part I could not accept the ongoing betrayal and lies of an Affair.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Those who overcome affairs put A LOT of work into the healing process. In your case, it seems like your husband swept the affair under the rug and didn't deal with the hurt that came from his actions. Essentially he may have said or thought something like "I sorry I hurt you, I'll never do it again, now can we stop talking about it." Sorry, but that is not how people overcome affairs. It takes years of hard work to get the trust back. It takes open and honest communication. It takes working on changing problematic behaviors. In your case, it seems like he just tried to move on and ignore what had happened instead of learning from it. You don't have to just let it go. If you feel the need to bring up this topic again with your husband in order to bring resolve and healing, go ahead and bring it up.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Thank you for your responses and advice.

Riverside MFT, my husband is done with talking about it and arguing about it, so am I really. He will no longer discuss the issue and justs says nothing, puts the pillow over his head or says I'm not discussing this with you anymore. He says it is in the past (2 years, although he likes to quote 3 years) and he's just not interested in it.

And yes, I've been given, I'm sorry it will never happen again, now lets stop talking about it.

Really I am not going to glean any more information than I have because he will not discuss it, and if I do try and discuss it he threatens that the marriage is over and he is putting the house on the market. He is ready to start a new life because he cannot deal with the fallout from his actions, and my feelings towards him have changed. I cannot suddenly turn around and start loving him and respecting him, in fact my feelings have dont the opposite although I have tried for 2 years to give this a go, I find he repulses me now.

I shouldnt really now expect him to have to stay with me especially as he blames me for his unhappiness and lack of friends which led him to seek out female friendship in the first place. 

It is the custody battle that is holding me back. The knowledge that I will be taking my children from a nice home into living off welfare, and that he will say that I am taking it out on the children. 

I just cant stand what this has done to me, but he and his family think it is no big deal because that is how they deal with conflict, sweep it under the carpet and it goes away. And I guess that is what he is hoping I will do, except he is waiting for me to make the first move so he wont look like the bad guy who ended the marriage. I will be seen as a bad mother for taking the children away from their nice home and their father. I will be seen as the abuser and the one who puts children through divorce. Is this where I am supposed to say that I stayed with my husband because of the children, dont my feelings matter?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> Is this where I am supposed to say that I stayed with my husband because of the children, dont my feelings matter?


Your feelings have always mattered. You have tried your hardest to fix this. He refuses to listen. 
Head under the pillow. Is he five?

You now say he repulses you. Do you love him or did he ignore your love away?

Why do you think you will be on welfare?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're right.
Some situations are just patently unhealthy.
Marriage isn't like boot camp, where if you stick it out the 'abuse' is a growth motivator with a known outcome. 

If you feel like you can't make it without a marriage, think about how much energy you have put into living in an unhealthy situation, accommodating and adjusting. You can do that for a positive outcome, and things go much more smoothly in an environment in which you have more control. The barriers that you see are short-sightedness. Once you take a few steps your perspective will change.

Your attitude towards welfare is unnecessarily derogatory. Despite what some people say about it (and these are probably mostly men who know that welfare gives women with children an out), it is a system that was put in place to protect society and to enable all people in our country to not have to compromise their morals or the liberty and rights they were promised at the founding of the country, in order to eat. That is, welfare is put there to keep honest people honest, and to prevent them from being prey for unsavory predators of all sorts. Why do you think it would be miserable to be economically free from your H and to be able to feed and clothe your children? Do you think you're not worth it? I hope not. I pay taxes when I make money and I say you do.

If someone told you children are better off under the umbrella of an abusive cheating marriage learning these behaviors from a parent, than being divorced and spending at least half their time with a good role model, they are wrong. Children are relieved and nurtured when they see a parent who is capable of making decisions and they will learn to trust that parent for protecting them from evil influences. Ask my kids!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to me there is a big difference between a person who makes a mistake and does what is necessary to atone for it and make things right and a person who is either a compulsive liar/serial cheater or doesn't do what they need to do help the other heal.

My wife made a mistake and did everything she needed to once she got caught. She gave up all privacy, agreed to NC, agreed to counseling and was truly sorry for what she did to our marriage and me. I can forgive her and she has finally forgiven herself. Mind you the trust will never be quite the same but in other respects our marriage is stronger than before. 
The bottom line is that without complete and utter commitment from the WS to make things right, you are just spinning your wheels.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> I get so confused when I read other betrayed spouses saying they still love their partner and want to save their marriage.


Not everyone wants to reconcile after cheating. So if you are not one of them, then no sweat. We don't all want the same things.


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## diva123 (Jul 12, 2011)

I am sorry for what you have been going through. I have a hubby that i cant trust at all. He has been doing the same things. Do whats best for you and your kids. They are the most important thing. If you decise to move on.. it wont be easy but it will be worth it. So you can finally rest. Emotionall stress can kill you. and you and your k ids dont deserve all that bs. Good luck!!


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