# What to do and think



## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Hi all, here's my sorry about 2 months ago my wife went to some grand opening party should of ended at 8, since we were friends in the find my friend app it showed she left and was near a parking lot or something for a while when I text her r She said she is heading home she said yea and than removed me from the app so the next day I asked her she said she was lost and called me a stalker , now the other day she said had to work late so my gut told
Me put something in car to track and I did and as she was leaving she text me was going to stay to 7 but at 5 the car was heading towards a residential street so 20 min later I got in car and started to race there but foolish me called and screamed and cursed where she was, long story short she was saying she was not in that area called me stalker again, and now told me she is done with me .intold her I felt she is cheating she says no but she is so different and even liking a old friends instagram page often and said she runs into him sometimes . So last night I begged to work it out she said she is done and 11 years i treated her like **** so i said just call a lawyer than and she said she has no time for that now . We have 2 kids and I just don't know what is going on . It's been quiet we went to the store today with the kids but she always has phone in hand.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

http://affaircare.com/the-180/


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Don't let her make you leave the home. 


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

She doesn't have time for a lawyer, because she needs you as a plan B.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Wow u think ? Married 11 years tomorrow and together 16


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You confronted to early and now you're begging and pleading. Worst things you can do.

You'd better wake up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Keep your mouth shut, eyes and ears open.

Go online and check your phone bill. That will probably tell you who it is.

Calm down before you screw up more.

Give some details, background on what's going on if you want help with this.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

What to do than, just stick it out until and if she gets lawyer ? I can't leave I have 2
Kids


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Never leave your home. Investigate and find out who it is. Then set up a plan for exposure.

What have you been seeing. Your details are a bit sparse.

Again check your phone bill


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

It's her work phone, I'm almost given up trying to figure it out , I think I'm going to hope for the best and plan for the worst. I kiss her good by she turns her cheek , now she been sleeping in the kids room, I just now said u want to stay in here she said the kids want her in there. I cried almost all day yesterday but I have to be strong and if it happens I have to be there for my kids,


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a 2-VAR's(voice activated recorder)

Best Buy or Walmart and secure it with Velcro under her car seat.

Put one in the home if she uses the phone there.

Do you know the address she was going to?

I hope you didn't tell her you had a gps in her car.

Can you get her phone when she's asleep


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Is it true what she said, that you have treated her like crap for the last 11 years? If your wife was here, what would she tell us? Please don't say you two had your ups and downs; be more specific.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Not easy no, I like the voice thing but I think that I'll only hurt myself more , she is already cold and said it's over . To hear her talking to someone else will put the icing on the cake. She says there is. O one but my gut says something else. I think now I'll wait for her to make the move with a lawyer , I have to for my kids. But would it be wrong if I start looking in the mean time .


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Can you do this. Use the Python Approach. Meaning lay and wait for her to expose the affair to you when she slips up and when she does, expose the affair with no mercy. If the guy is married or a co-worker, inform the spouse or work place or both. Seeing how she didn't even have the foresight to disable Find My Friends until you after you said something about it, I'm betting she is sloppy and in the Fog. She's probably slipping up all the time, but you're not seeing it yet. You will. Be cool and calculated. Do not lose your cool again and blow it. 


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> It's her work phone, I'm almost given up trying to figure it out , I think I'm going to hope for the best and plan for the worst. I kiss her good by she turns her cheek , now she been sleeping in the kids room, I just now said u want to stay in here she said the kids want her in there. I cried almost all day yesterday but I have to be strong and if it happens I have to be there for my kids,




Stop trying to show her affection or asking her to sleep in the same bed or anything intimate. She's not interested. If she's not planning on leaving, she wants you to leave and is trying to drive you away. Do No Leave Your Home. 


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

Don't wait for her to make a move with a lawyer. YOU set an appointment with a lawyer to find out what your rights are.

She is almost certainly cheating. Guarding her phone; finding fault with everything you do; no signs of affection; sleeping in another room. These are all classic signs of cheater behavior.

She doesn't want to consider divorce because if things with her other man (OM) don't work out, she can fall back on you. That's why you're being referred to as "Plan B". She wants to keep you as a backup so she can test drive the OM.

I know it's hard. I've been in exactly your shoes. But you can overcome this. If possible, talk to a lawyer and get yourself into individual counseling (IC). 

In the meantime, pull back from your wife and quietly gather evidence. Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car. Check her cell phone records for a number that she is sending messages to and receiving messages from, in addition to phone calls. Check her Facebook or any other social media.

You need to protect yourself, because right now she doesn't care about you. In fact, my ex wandering wife (XWW) became my mortal enemy during her affair and subsequent divorce. It's not uncommon for the wandering spouse (WS) to do this; they have to justify their cheating behavior by making you out to be the bad guy.

Please give us more information. The history of your marriage, the historical dynamic between you two, any instances of cheating or abuse of any kind from either of you, prior relationship or marital history, what your family lives were like growing up... Anything that might give us some insight into how you got here.

Most importantly, DO NOT CONFRONT HER AGAIN WITHOUT HARD EVIDENCE. Give her all the space she wants. Do not show her any affection. And read up on the 180.

And keep posting. We want to help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hayday said:


> Not easy no, I like the voice thing but I think that I'll only hurt myself more , she is already cold and said it's over . To hear her talking to someone else will put the icing on the cake. She says there is. O one but my gut says something else. I think now I'll wait for her to make the move with a lawyer , I have to for my kids. But would it be wrong if I start looking in the mean time .


Burying your head in the sand won't help you much. If you want to try and save your marriage you'll need to do exposure. To do that you need some evidence. Unless you can afford a PI and let them do it for you.

Knowledge is power. Get some 

Are you a stay at home dad?


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Ok I won't , and who knows maybe she is not cheating but if she is chatting with someone than to me it still is


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hayday said:


> Not easy no, I like the voice thing but I think that I'll only hurt myself more , she is already cold and said it's over . To hear her talking to someone else will put the icing on the cake. She says there is. O one but my gut says something else. I think now I'll wait for her to make the move with a lawyer , I have to for my kids. But would it be wrong if I start looking in the mean time .


*If you want at least a better chance of temporary custody of the kids, then beat her to the punch in filing for D, prior to having her file against you first!

But try to find out who it is that she is rendezvousing with so that your filing grounds are for adultery! If it is someone from her company, their HR Department would probably be interested! In the meantime, hire yourself a good experienced PI if you absolutely need to!

It wouldn't exactly hurt to be in the process of visiting with a good "piranha" family attorney to help you assess both your legal property and custodial rights!*


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Not a stay at home dad, we both work. We're married 11 years but we did fight a lot over nonsense, I would love for this to pass but I don't know , anymore spying etc I may be in more trouble , at this point I rather not know, we have 2 vacations planned and paid I have too see now what s up with that, plus she did not tell her family anything either . Should I start looking to date on the low now lol 
Thanks all so much for the responses


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

No, do not start dating. I completely understand the desire to do so, but take it from someone who dated way too soon after splitting from their XWW: it almost never leads to a good outcome. You're​ still emotionally attached to your WW. That's not a failing on your part... It's just a fact.

Give yourself time to separate legally and emotionally from your WW. Take care of yourself and your needs. Reconnect with old friends. Go to the gym and take out your frustrations there. Learn how to be okay and happy single. It may take you a while to get there, but don't let that deter you. The journey means something!

Over four years after my XWW and I split and two failed relationships later, I finally meet the woman I want risk marriage again for. We've been together for a year, and in a few years marriage is definitely on the table. But I needed to be single for a WHILE before I was able to really bond with another.

During that time I invested in myself, my career, and my daughter. I'm making $25k more per year now with a soaring earnings potential. The marital house is now in my name only. Besides the house, I am now officially debt free with a substantial savings. This summer I'm going to buy a new car.

Relationships can get in the way of your healing and self-care at this critical stage. I guarantee I'd be even farther along if I hadn't wasted almost two years trying to fill the void inside me with relationships. 

Make you the best you possible. Take that time and invest in yourself. Trust me... You'll be really glad you did.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> Not a stay at home dad, we both work. We're married 11 years but we did fight a lot over nonsense, I would love for this to pass but I don't know , anymore spying etc I may be in more trouble , at this point I rather not know, we have 2 vacations planned and paid I have too see now what s up with that, plus she did not tell her family anything either . Should I start looking to date on the low now lol
> 
> Thanks all so much for the responses




Don't date on the low. She might notice your distance and will start trying to figure out what you are up to. If you get caught you're really screwed. You need to get distant, but with something else that is really good for you. You need to show her that you are strong enough to move on and that will be ok without her. 

You need to know what's going on. Find out what's going on and do not negotiate with her on the exposure. I almost fell for that trap. I even regretted how I called my wife's OM's spouse and blew up their affair On The OM's Birthday at first. Now I am extremely pleased with the way I expose their affair. If you can catch her in an affair, tell her she needs to leave. Maybe there is family nearby she can go stay with. Hell send her to her boyfriends house. Just make sure that you can expose within minutes (if possible) of confronting her. Do not give either one of them the chance at having a heads up of the exposure and trying to cover it up. Do it immediately. Plan it out in advance. 

If you can cancel the vacations, maybe cancel them and don't even ask her. Even if you take a loss for canceling. Going on a vacation with her in her state would be miserable for both of you. 

Just like you I am still struggling to get my head wrapped around making the best choices for myself. However, I have done the burying my head in the sand, I'm going to get in trouble if I go any further with exposing this and pretending that doing things like going on a vacation might lead to us having a good time together and working things out. I can tell you right now I was being a moron. There is a guy coming to visit me tonight who actually went on a vacation with a wife that wanted to leave him and that had been caught cheating by a PI. He did the whole serenade her with a mariachi band on a cruise and all this other stuff… Guess what? She started banging the other guy again. Probably did right before the vacation and immediately after. It destroyed him trying to do that love dare/fireproof crap with a woman like that. Cancel it. 

Lay Low. Discover what she is up to using your own wits. Then Expose. Expose. Expose. Move on as fast as possible away from her. It's hard. But go as dark as possible. And do not reach out to her unless it's absolutely necessary as in children. I do not contact my cheating wife for anything that doesn't have to do with children or functionality purposes. She will contact me from time to time to talk about things and sometimes I agree and we meet in public. But mostly I am distant with her. 


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Wow so I won't try to date yet but if she is talking to someone won't that bother her than for not getting over us first, she told me the other day if she is going to do anything it will be when we're divorced ...just now she came in got a pillow and went on the couch, I was like really u can even stay in here ? It's been a week and than I text her saying that it must to far gone ... should I just ignore it am I wrong for asking


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Hi all, here's my sorry about 2 months ago my wife went to some grand opening party should of ended at 8, since we were friends in the find my friend app it showed she left and was near a parking lot or something for a while when I text her r She said she is heading home she said yea and than removed me from the app so the next day I asked her she said she was lost and called me a stalker , now the other day she said had to work late so my gut told
> Me put something in car to track and I did and as she was leaving she text me was going to stay to 7 but at 5 the car was heading towards a residential street so 20 min later I got in car and started to race there but foolish me called and screamed and cursed where she was, long story short she was saying she was not in that area called me stalker again, and now told me she is done with me .intold her I felt she is cheating she says no but she is so different and even liking a old friends instagram page often and said she runs into him sometimes . So last night I begged to work it out she said she is done and 11 years i treated her like **** so i said just call a lawyer than and she said she has no time for that now . We have 2 kids and I just don't know what is going on . It's been quiet we went to the store today with the kids but she always has phone in hand.


Hayday, although your reaction was understandable you blew it and put her on notice that you know something is up, wrong move. Your gut was telling you something is wrong and based on the evidence, something is up.
Go into STEALTH mode. Try to act normal, lull her into a false sense of security. If you cannot keep it together to investigate her activities then get a PI instead to follow her for a week or two.

It sounds like it could be this guy, if she is acting strange. You need the evidence before you confront. Invite her out for dinner, out with the kids, act normal, talk about work, mundane things, etc.
You can do this, start keeping track of her social media, keep a journal of all she says and does (for cross checking later).


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Ok I won't , and who knows maybe she is not cheating but if she is chatting with someone than to me it still is


I'm sorry Hayday, many BS have been in your shoes, your response is weak. Hoping it will go away will not make it go away, please find your cajones and take action as prescribed on this thread, find the evidence, it is there.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Ok I'll see how the weekend goes


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> Wow so I won't try to date yet but if she is talking to someone won't that bother her than for not getting over us first, she told me the other day if she is going to do anything it will be when we're divorced ...just now she came in got a pillow and went on the couch, I was like really u can even stay in here ? It's been a week and than I text her saying that it must to far gone ... should I just ignore it am I wrong for asking




Stop texting her from the across the house with the hope she will join you in your bed. You need to distance yourself now. 


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I will , its crazy though today we're out shopping doing stuff around the house but she still has a slight attitude and playing her music, her family texting us happy anniversary and I'm saying thanks and she not even responding to them , but last year she was completely different


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hayday said:


> Not easy no, I like the voice thing but I think that I'll only hurt myself more , she is already cold and said it's over . To hear her talking to someone else will put the icing on the cake. She says there is. O one but my gut says something else. I think now I'll wait for her to make the move with a lawyer , I have to for my kids. But would it be wrong if I start looking in the mean time .


Start looking for what?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hayday said:


> Not a stay at home dad, we both work. We're married 11 years but we did fight a lot over nonsense, I would love for this to pass but I don't know , anymore spying etc I may be in more trouble , at this point I rather not know, we have 2 vacations planned and paid I have too see now what s up with that, plus she did not tell her family anything either . Should I start looking to date on the low now lol
> Thanks all so much for the responses


So you want to cheat. Is that what you are saying?

Of course you should not look to date. You are still married and living with your wife. You should look to fix your current situation. Either see if you can get your wife to work with you to fix your marriage or get a divorce.

Do emotionally healthy women would date a man who is married, much less a man who is in the messy marriage you are in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hayday said:


> Wow so I won't try to date yet but if she is talking to someone won't that bother her than for not getting over us first, she told me the other day if she is going to do anything it will be when we're divorced ...just now she came in got a pillow and went on the couch, I was like really u can even stay in here ? It's been a week and than I text her saying that it must to far gone ... should I just ignore it am I wrong for asking


You only have suspicions that she is cheating. You have no evidence. You refuse to do what is needed to get evidence.

Just waiting to see what happens does not work well either.

Look at the 180 (link in my signature block below), interact with your wife more like the 180 in that you need to pull back and stop the little remarks, accusing her of cheating etc. Get control of yourself emotionally.

Then tell her that you will not stay in a marriage that is a stand-off. You and she need to go to marriage counseling. And then make the appointment and tell her that she needs to go with you.

Either work to fix your marriage or YOU divorce her. Do not stay in Limbo. If you want to wait until after the vacations to act on divorce, then just tell her the bit about counseling and get her into it. If she will not go to the counseling, then you go to the counseling. You need it too. Tell her every time you go and ask her to join you every time. She just might as she sees changes in you.

The fact that she has not filed for divorce yet means that she is not ready to leave the marriage yet.

You are way too reactive and emotional and have no plan. The 180 will help you pull away enough so you can get your act together.

There is a book that would help you "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

If it were me, I would be snooping... the VARS are a good idea. It's illegal to do that, but I would do it anyway and not ever tell her about them. Instead if I caught my spouse cheating via a VAR, I would use the info to help me decide what I was going to do.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Your so right , thanks for all this help


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Piss me off more that she is playing music and singing


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Piss me off more that she is playing music and singing


Find yourself a room that she is not in. If she follows you around go to where your TV is and put on a movie and play it loud, not so loud that neighbor can complain. Or the house stereo if you have one. If she complains walk out the door. Two can play I the I am lost game. Take a hour or 2 and cool off before you do or say something that does not help at all. Come back in and read up on the 180.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> Piss me off more that she is playing music and singing




Don't let her make you lose your cool. Find a reason to go to the store. Food is a good one. You want something else from the grocery store. She's not expecting you to leave her side if she thinks you're acting suspicious. Stay gone longer than needed. If she asks were you are, or what you're doing, don't explain yourself. "The store" is good enough. Don't ask her if she wants anything while your there. Come back with something you've never bought before, but looks interesting. Be uninteresting in her and the anniversary. Don't be rude and don't be too nice. Be neutral. 

And if people are sending you happy anniversary to y'all as a group message, stop replying to all. 


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Ok, I just don't get why she is playing freakin music and singing wouldn't she be in a bad mood or down . Thanks for all replys


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> Ok, I just don't get why she is playing freakin music and singing wouldn't she be in a bad mood or down . Thanks for all replys




No. She's in The Fog. Make yourself scarce. Don't try to antagonize her in retaliation it only makes you look like an amateur. Fight fire with fire, but don't provoke. Her weapon of choice is distancing herself from you. Make yourself scarce and distant like she does. Do it now and see how it works. Be committed to continuing to distance yourself. It's very liberating. I know. I've been in your position and it works. It works for YOU. Not the relationship. It's about YOU right now. 


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Ok, I just don't get why she is playing freakin music and singing wouldn't she be in a bad mood or down . Thanks for all replys


Who cares how she feels. Reading your thread it's seems pretty clear she is cheating on you and DOES NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK!! Pretty clear right? Singing around the house on cloud nine...Sorry to be blunt but that is what it is. 

So, you need to worry about yourself and your kids. They are the only things that matter. Read No More Mr Nice Guy, read up on the 180. Join a gym, work your anger out on a bag. Consider seeing a counselor to help you keep your emotions in check. Spend more time with your kids. This is all for you to weather the storm that is brewing that you and your children can come out with the least amount of damage. 

As far as her just quietly start quietly gathering evidence and keep it where she can't find it and delete it. Start keeping a journal of all your activities especially with the kids. Journal her comings and goings too. Go into detective mode to figure out who she is with. He might be married or has a girlfriend, that can be leveraged in exposure or if she works with him. . GPS the car, find out exactly where he lives, or have a trusted friend follow. Hide a couple of VARs in the house, rooms she might use to talk in secret. If you can afford a PI do it. Data dump your home PC, she may be communicating with him. Is her phone locked? Disappear with it for a couple hours and have the data dumped. She starts screaming you have it? DENY DENY DENY like she denies she is spreading her legs for her boyfriend. Phone magically reappears turned off in the clothing hamper, turned off. Start researching divorce lawyers. You need to file fast to wake her up. Let her know that the present situation is intolerable, disrespectful to you you and the children and you will not continue to be part of a marriage where she has a boyfriend. Once you have clear evidence of the affair start considering how to expose the affair. Her family, friends etc. She will start spinning lies. Count on it. You have to be ahead of the curve. Her affair is most likely going on longer than you know. She has already detached from you. You have to catch up emotionally and pass her. You must do this to protect yourself. 

Good luck.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Sad part is she never goes out at all , so I don't know .... what do u recommend for next week during work, we use to talk and or text in the day , should I just let her do it and if she don't I should not call or text ?
I can't snoop anymore it's not worth it and plus it will make it worse if she catches me she already calling me a stalker and that she feels that she can turn left etc without me questioning etc


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> Sad part is she never goes out at all , so I don't know .... what do u recommend for next week during work, we use to talk and or text in the day , should I just let her do it and if she don't I should not call or text ?
> 
> I can't snoop anymore it's not worth it and plus it will make it worse if she catches me she already calling me a stalker and that she feels that she can turn left etc without me questioning etc




I would not text or call her unless it's for functionality of the family. And don't go looking for reasons like kids or household to justify calling/texting her(this is a easy thing to do). Do it when you have to. If she calls/texts you, don't get all excited. Respond to texts if you really need to. Don't be upset or excited if she calls. Be indifferent and super cool. 

Don't be scared to find out the information you deserve to know. 


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Sad part is she never goes out at all , so I don't know .... what do u recommend for next week during work, we use to talk and or text in the day , should I just let her do it and if she don't I should not call or text ?
> *I can't snoop anymore it's not worth it and plus it will make it worse if she catches me she already calling me a stalker and that she feels that she can turn left etc without me questioning et*c


If she wants to do whatever the heck she wants to do without bothering to clue you in just divorce her and fast. Unless that is the marriage YOU want to have. If you want to save your marriage you need to know who is interfering to start. She is not going to confess. You can discretely snoop all you want when someone is threatening your family. That is what her other man is doing - threatening your family.How can it get worse? She is not sleeping with you. she is ignoring you, ignoring your marriage, literally singing around the house without a care in the world. Who cares whats she thinks or feels. Just go detective on her quietly. Give her no reason to pick a fight with you. Trust me, she will make something up soon enough without you giving her a reason. 

Ignore anything she says if its not related to the children. Don't text her or call her unless absolutely necessary and only for for the children.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Ok, but I do love her and would be lost without her , I want it to work plus my kids this is so hard to think about .


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> Ok, but I do love her and would be lost without her , I want it to work plus my kids this is so hard to think about .




She is probably trying to "find herself". If she hasn't said this exact phrase yet, she more than likely will. I suggest you do the same and find yourself. The grounded YOU. You are only lost without her if you allow yourself to be lost. 

Do not try to leverage your children to keep your marriage together. It will not work and she will smell your weakness. She will more than likely try to leverage the children and other things at some point to gaslight you into doubting your strength. I am positive she has gaslit you already This is because she needs you weak so she can walk all over you. She wants you to be a doormat who's weak and put his head in the sand. People who decide to ignore their moral compass love to make people they are close to doubt their perception of reality. This allows them to hide to avoid guilt and shame and also enables them to keep doing the things they know are wrong. 


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I will try to get more clues, sad part is what is she not cheating ? All she says is 11 years I made it unhappy for her , i never made our milestones happy, and all this crap and I admit I'm not the best and when we argue which was alot I say to end it or curse and she claims she had it now and gave up on giving me chances etc. sucks being here right now nothing is done yet for divorce etc, she does not wear her ring should I wear mine ?
No body knows any of this neither do the kids


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are all over the place. IMO get two VAR's one for the home where she uses the phone and one under the car seat. They are small and if well placed shouldn't be noticed.

You don't know what's going on but there are red flags.

You're letting your fear ruler you.

Exposing to soon, begging, etc

Calm down


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Ok, I just don't get why she is playing freakin music and singing wouldn't she be in a bad mood or down . Thanks for all replys


Hayday, you have not been transparent about how your marriage was before all of this? Where there any problems?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Ok, I just don't get why she is playing freakin music and singing wouldn't she be in a bad mood or down . Thanks for all replys


Why is it bothering you so much, let her do whatever she wants. Why don't you just get out of the house, go meet a friend for a coffee, go to the store, go to the gym, go for a run, go to the movies, why must your life right now be focused on her. Put your focus on yourself, maybe go for a coffee and sit down and plan what you are going to do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Ok, but I do love her and would be lost without her , I want it to work plus my kids this is so hard to think about .


Hayday, you need a few 2x4s, you are moaning like a wuss and not doing anything people are telling you to do, just because you whine, things are not going to happen, things are not going to work.

This is difficult, for sure but the good people of TAM, many of whom have been here before are giving you advice, I don't see you taking any of it. So stop it right now.

If you are not prepared

1. to find out what she is up to using methods giving to you
2. expose with evidence
3. focus on yourself and kids
4 do the 180 on her
5 contact a lawyer and see the process

Then you can continue to wallow, hope things will be different, that she will have a change of heart, etc.

Good luck with that


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Ok I will


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hayday said:


> All she says is 11 years I made it unhappy for her , i never made our milestones happy, and all this crap



She is trying to project her guilt on you. If she can make you feel guilty for your shortcomings as a spouse, she can justify her actions of betrayal TO HERSELF. My WW did this exact same thing to me. She tried to make it my fault and make me feel responsible for her discontent. Problem is, she's responsible for her happiness . Not you. Three days after I began to receive these kind statements of blame from my wife, I discovered her affair. And after reading countless posts on this site, this is classic cheater tactics. 

I think you need to start at the beginning of this topic and soak in line for line and Word for Word what the people of TAM are trying to tell you. Yes it is hard to hear. Yes I have difficulties getting my head wrapped around some of the things they tell me. I still struggle with this. A Lot. I promise you they mean well. 

Stay sharp and be cool. Slow down and don't lose your crap. You can do this. 





Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You said she wasn't like this last year.

Think about WHEN she changed. And do you mean 12 months ago last year, or DEC 2016 she was acting NORMAL (even if things were so-so)?
A person can change within a week to a month or so when an affair starts.

Her calling you "A STALKER" is problematic. She no longer views you as her husband. 

What kind of work does she do (in general / do NOT give company name / citie, etc). In the hospital, infidelity is all over the place. They have sex everywhere you don't know. Empty patient rooms, records rooms, storage closets, etc. They cover for each other. That industry is perhaps the worst.

Sorry, I've been where you are a bit over a year ago. Your brain is a mess. Nothing make sense. And you don't want to believe she is cheating on you. She says she isn't... so its fine. But if they are cheating on you - they are lying to you, right? If you happen to be in a state that allows you to record and track her, do so.

Get a lawyer. Prep for divorce. So when things get to the point that you need to pull the trigger, she can be served in hours. DO NOT MOVE OUT!
To us, she has many red flags for being a cheater. Sorry. Her driving to someplace else (lying) when she said she was at work? Why lie about it?
Head up, it will not get easier.

Do what others have said. Start 180. Do your best to detach. Eyes and ears open, document... and keep your mouth shut.
If she doesn't want to behave like a wife to you, then why stay? Cheating or not?

Faster you move at the above (180 / lawyer), the better.


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## schreyerlawfirm (Mar 21, 2017)

Consult your lawyer if there is another way get her binding in this matter instead of avoiding.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Wow so I won't try to date yet but if she is talking to someone won't that bother her than for not getting over us first, she told me the other d*ay if she is going to do anything it will be when we're divorced* ...just now she came in got a pillow and went on the couch, I was like really u can even stay in here ? It's been a week and than I text her saying that it must to far gone ... should I just ignore it am I wrong for asking


And she was lying. cLASSIC cheater stuff. I'll tell you what she will say next if you want.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You've been given exactly flawless advice.

Some things I have simplified so you will understand in your emotionally traumatized state:

1). Your wife is absolutely no doubt cheating. You know it, we know it.

2) she has been detaching from you for a while. Think about how long she has been acting distant and suddenly overly, abnormally critical of you--- that's when the cheating started.

3). She's not only been detaching, but investing her emotions in another person. She is dead to you. That is NOT going to change. It hurts me to tell you that, but someone needs to.

4). You are hurting, and once you actually realize your marriage is over, you're going to spiral into anxiety and depression for a while. Don't hesitate to go to a doctor and get help. I used Zoloft for a about 2 months and it helped me deal with the anxiety. I started running for exercise-- greatly helped me. I suggest you try something similar for the anxiety.
See your doctor.

5). See a lawyer. Free consultations. You've been told to. You haven't. You are in danger of losing time with your kids, if you love them, see a lawyer and protect your ability to be their parent.

6). All cheaters say it's all your fault. By golly they will CONVINCE you it's all your fault. You're like a sponge to it. You need it to be your fault because you think you can change and she will love you again. Bull****, she won't. She needs you to be at fault so her conscience doesn't eat her up about being a filthy cheater. This is classic cheater behavior.
She's likely to tell you she was NEVER in love with you, blah blah blah. It's a lie. Of course she was---she married you!


7). It's over with her. Accept it.
BUT, your life is NOT over. You will NOT be lost without her. There are millions of women in this country. You are not devoid of hope, my friend. You CAN get through this. I did.

8). Find out who it is so you can expose this affair. Only chance you have if reconciling. You are acting just like I did. You are likely hovering near her, constantly seeking reassurance. That will push her away instantly until she leaves. What your emotions will make you want to do is the exact opposite of what you need to do. It's hard. If you can't detach and show her no emotion and actually move forward, she is 109% gone for sure. But she needs to be, she's cheating. 100% sure on my part.
Exposing also breaks it up and they won't be around your kids. Expose first to other man's wife or gf. But don't expose until you have irrefutable proof. That's what you e been told to get with a VAR or PI. The cheaters will do everything in their power to discredit you and make you seem crazy. She's already calling you a stalker. Consider that.

If you are interested in moving past this and not letting her cheating arse ruin your life, keep posting, but follow the advice you have been given--- no matter how hard it seems at first. 

You CAN be happy again. But only if you can accept she is gone.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Ok, but I do love her and would be lost without her , I want it to work plus my kids this is so hard to think about .


Of course you love her. But she is in a FOG right now and clearly not reciprocating. The longer you act indecisively and allow her to remain in the fog with no repercussions the harder it will be to keep your marriage, if that is what YOU want when you finally figure out what really is going on. But to blow away the Fog you need to know what is going on. She is not going to be honest with you as she has demonstrated so far so you need to figure it out discretely. Now that you have confronted her she is going to cover her tracks and go deep. Follow the advice you are getting here to get to the bottom of what is going on. Confronting her with no evidence will get you nowhere. Trying to nice her out of the fog makes you look like a weak pathetic cuckold. The fact you are angry and confused and upset makes it clear to your readers you are not. Bottom line, being nice to her is the super highway for her to lose respective for you. Follow the advice you are getting in communicating with her. 

Do you both work a full time job? How old are your children?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> You've been given exactly flawless advice.
> 
> Some things I have simplified so you will understand in your emotionally traumatized state:
> 
> ...



!!!!! Absolutely!!!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I like Jeff Foxworthy's humor, since I'm kinda a *******, so here goes my attempt.

If your wife calls you a stalker, she Might Be A CHEATER. 

Lol, I know you're hurting, but your wife is so predictable it's funny.

Lots that still wantvtheir husband as plan B if the other man fails, will tell their betrayed spouse that they aren't cheating and "need to trust them".

Or if they have no intention of staying and are looking for an exit plan, they say what your wife said "if I were going to see other men, I'd do it after we divorce".

Sadly, op's wife is the latter.

OP, I beg you to see an attorney before she completes her exit strategy. This is clearly what she is working on. You can bet that strategy will include screwing you as badly as possible. You have no experience with infidelity. I can't describe how horribly a cheating wife will treat you. You literally will think you're dealing with SAtan. Your wife is now your worst enemy, and you don't even know it.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You are dead to her.


Repeat to yourself:

Being NICE DOES NOT WORK!
Telling her your LOVE HER, DOES NOT WORK!
She is a ZOMBIE, who only sees you as food. Zombies don't love.
SHE IS LYING!
Your wife is dead. DO NOT TALK TO HER!
Go to the GYM!


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to do the 180 and start that now.

Stop worrying about vacations, you have other things more important than that. I would get a var and put it under her car seat, since her phone is a work phone. 

I hate to sound rude, but you need to man up and find out what is going on with your wife. 

She is playing the music and singing to annoy you.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

In 2015, my wife: "I am not going out to have sex with him" (a co-worker) she says angerly. Day after: "I did not have sex with him!" she says angerly. 3 Days after: "I did not have sex with him!" she says angerly - the text in the phone is a joke! A week after: "I did not have sex with him!" she says angerly. 

6 months later, after starting MC therapy, reading books, and divorce. She says "Yes, I did have sex with him".

The chances of your wife wanting to repair what is going at this moment is 0~1%.

You can always stop a divorce. Which is also a good way to get her to snap out of her fog.
After the affair is exposed, the chances of her wanting to remain with you are (cheating or not) is 0~33%. Many factors will determine that.
Nothing NICE or LOVING that you do will increase those odds. She is ONLY thinking about herself.
You have no idea what is going on in her head. She's not offering.

The reason to confirm and locate the person she is spending time with, is to break up the affair and get the truth. There is a chance she is still having an EA with him - and now that you are "Separated", that is a green light for sex.

The reason for the VAR in car is because (especially) since you don't have access to her work phone. If she is cheating with a co-worker (over 80% affairs are co-workers) and you said she was at a work-event when you first busted her... is that sex in the car is typical. Sooner or later, she'll be talking to him on her phone or IN her car. Or she will be talking to a friend about him.

Someone has likely posted a link on which SONY VAR's to get (buy two) - with cash or not something she can trace. The link also says how to attach it inside the car.

When (IF) you locate the guy co-worker she is having sex with, you expose him. He is likely not wanting to lose his job and his family over your wife's holes... he will likely dump her.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@ Hayday : the fact you don't want to know, means you already do. Not wanting to know more will not help you, will not get the results you want. You're dooming yourself to more pain and making things worse.

If you do the above and get the VAR in place. As you find out things, you should check back here for recommended actions. If you fly off the handle like you did with the tracker (Is it still there? Put it in a better place) - then your results will suffer. If you got to us quicker, then we would have told you to document, record, etc. But that's not your fault. I found this place "too late" myself. like most others. I too, got explosive with my actions.

Another reason to KNOW who she is spending her time with, (as stated above). Is so you know WHO she could be bringing home to YOUR KIDS. Think about it. You guys continue this path, and you ignore finding the truth. 6 weeks from now, she has YOU served for divorce and may even demand VIA court for your to vacate the house. Divorce or just separation, she is "dating" and just by chance - she has found her "new love". When in reality, it was Bob from accounting the whole time. Then your kids get to know Bob, he's a nice guy.... the guy who help break up their family!

There is a difference of meeting someone AFTER the breakup that had no hand in causing the breakup vs. creating a relationship with the cheater. For family events, they would have to welcome the "new guy", but if that "new guy" is her affair partner, then that changes things quite a bit. He won't be welcomed. What, you are supposed to do family thanksgiving and she's in another room laughing and hugging the guy who broke your family, harmed your kids?

Start 180.
Keep your eyes and ears open. Mouth shut. She will screw up.
Lawyer.
VAR

Read some of the other stories here... there are lots in which guys come here, they are told the wife is cheating and they find out within days or weeks that its true.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

So far it's been a quiet day we bought a fire pit for the yard, I don't know what is up, if she wants a divorce than why is she not calling a lawyer yet, I even said let's go see a mediator is 2 weeks from today she said she may not have time with her schedule ...what to think ?


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

And funny her sister text her and supposley called before and she was showing me the text and telling me about the phone call ...


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Do you have the VAR?

Time for truth.

Quit "reading tea leaves".

Reading tea leaves is a waste of time and emotional energy.

You are interested in what "is"... not what you hope "is"


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

Hayday said:


> we bought a fire pit for the yard, I don't know what is up


Why did you participate in buying something for the house when you suspect your wife of cheating on you?

Why are you engaging her at all at this point?

You need to stop doing that.

Detach, withdraw, and let her fend for herself. And go into sleuth mode and find out everything you can. You have been given this advice multiple times in this thread.

It's time for you to _take it._

Stop putting your money in a joint account. Get your money into an account with your name only. If she freaks, simply shrug your shoulders and move on. She is clearly behaving as though she has no respect for you. Why should you respect her in return?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

musicftw07 said:


> Why did you participate in buying something for the house when you suspect your wife of cheating on you?
> 
> Why are you engaging her at all at this point?
> 
> ...


This is great advice.

Don't expect it to be easy.

Financial fidelity comes from emotional fidelity - which SHE regards as optional.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Sad day , I had her instragram pass and logged on and seen a direct message to her saying I love u to her , I guess my gut was right


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Sad day , I had her instragram pass and logged on and seen a direct message to her saying I love u to her , I guess my gut was right


Of course it was right, can you now do what the people here on TAM told you to do, stop putting off the inevitable. She has a head start on you and you are being totally evasive and not dealing with the **** storm that you are about to face. Get ahead of the curve.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I'm calling meadiator tomorrow I told her 2 weeks were going she said she's busy wtf


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday, what is the point of using a mediator? Your wife has not been honest with you, she is hiding her affair or whatever she is doing. You actually do not know specifically what you are dealing with because you have not done anything to find out. What do you think a mediator can achieve without information? Guaranteed your wife will not turn up anyway, you are losing this battle.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hayday said:


> Sad day , I had her instragram pass and logged on and seen a direct message to her saying I love u to her , I guess my gut was right


Find out who it is and inform his wife if he's married


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I know I'm so sad now and now to figure out how to tell the kids


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Slow down and listen, Hayday, or you are going to make some horrible mistakes. Do not do one thing else until you talk to an attorney.
Please.

I'm not sorry you found that message. It's time you accepted the truth. The faster you accept what happens and deal with it, the faster you will heal. 

HOWEVER, if you rush things or do ANYTHING that is a result of your emotions running wild (perfectly understandable), you will mess up your future.

SLOW DOWN! Go see an attorney. They know how to deal with this stuff. They see it every day. They can help you calm down and get the best deal possible.

I try to give you all the answers I can. You asked why she is doing this if she wants a divorce. The answer is: She is planning her exit strategy. She's in no hurry to divorce you, because you help pay the bills. Her affair partner doesn't want any part of paying bills, and likely doesn't want to marry her (he knows she's a cheater, after all, right??). His "love" is well....... you know......
She will not divorce you as long as you are serving some of her needs that the Affair Partner is not filling.
That's how it works. Cold? Heartless? Calculating? YEP! And that's who you are dealing with now. 

See an attorney and STOP talking to her about divorce. Surprise her with papers when you get YOUR strategy planned. You'd better hurry on seeing that attorney. Today would be a good day. Tomorrow is late. The day after tomorrow is just stupid. Really, you've got to see an attorney NOW. Take a day off work if you have to. I'm so sorry, but you're in for a lot of pain and there's just no avoiding it. But see someone that can give you some help.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Hayday said:


> I know I'm so sad now and now to figure out how to tell the kids


you need to talk to a lawyer. Highest priority thing in your world right now. 

kids don't need to know now. Probably need to investigate counseling for them, but later

You need counseling now, item #2 on your list. #3 is learn how to detach. #4You need to tell a few of your most trusted people (parents, siblings, friends, not everyone, just a few to help you out and give you people on your side). 

if you truly need proof of cheating, hire a PI or follow her. If you have proof, expose to her parents and any siblings that you think may like you.

Even if she comes back and wants to Reconcile, your M is never going to be the same.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Thanks all I will update once things get a little more clear


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hayday said:


> ...what to think ?


Well I can tell you what I think but apparently you don't want to hear it.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Also, document everything! Use your phone to take photos of her phone - like the Instagram message. Find out who the POSOM is (Piece Of S~ Other Man), his FB - is he married, etc.
Make sure you not sharing your phone data with your wife - so she sees you are taking photos of evidence.

When you are at Walmart, buy the VAR - with cash. Here, the $50 X333 model will do. (maybe get two) USB Connectivity Voice Recorders - Best Buy

She is lying to your face. We KNOW what it feels like.
She is not your wife anymore. Use logic as if you have to destroy a zombie. Sure it walks, etc. But the zombie doesn't see you as a person.
Hide your anger, work out.

Evinrude58 has your back.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Do I still need a pi if so how long do they take


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I also want full custody of the kids how can I do that , I hear it's hard for a dad to win


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> I also want full custody of the kids how can I do that , I hear it's hard for a dad to win



Hayday, you need to focus. I know this really hurts but you have to stay focused or we guarantee you will will feel miserable a lot longer than you can imagine. Sadly what has happened to you is not unique. Her behavior is not unique, In fact her behavior is is predicable. Your behavior in this is predictable. Use that to your advantage to figure out who the guy is so you can confront her. That confrontation should be public to close family and friends and should include a divorce petition so she can see that everything is suddenly real and you are no longer going to let her use you like a doormat. If you try and nice your way out of this you will fail and suffer more. Guaranteed. 

You are not getting full custody unless your wife moves in with a registered sex offender or does lines in front of the kids on youtube. Forget about that for now. 

You need to see a lawyer ASAP and no you can't tell your wife what you know. She will take the affair deeper so no, do not tell the kids yet. 

As far as a PI what are you going to tell him? Do you have a name, address, picture of him, anything? Do you know where they are meeting up? Might be a car in a parking lot or even your home if she is a stay at home mom.

We have mentioned VARs GPS and other tools to use to figure out who this threat is. Take those paid for vacation tickets, sell them and go buy the items that have been recommended to you here. Or sell that fire-pit. Do you really want to look at her on holiday or across a fire-pit while she is the middle of an affair? 


We really do wish you the best for yourself and your children. You have been given priceless advice here. Sit down and read the entire thread, Try and stay focused and do what needs to be done and do it quickly.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Every post you submit exhibits "out of sequence" thinking.

Put one foot in front of the other.

VAR under the seat of her car.

Appointment with attorney

First things first.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Well today I have a old cell phone under the seat so I can track it, she said tomorrow she is going out with a girl friend so I will track if it goes other direction than I can follow and take pics, I wish she would just file for divorce because I hate to have to be the one to initiate it especially for the kids sake, and what I want is for the kids to live with me, I want to put her through hell in court if at all possible . She denies it all but why if ur saying we're over why deny it


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Oh and tonight after work she is going to go tanning instead of our daughters school play


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Oh and tonight after work she is going to go tanning instead of our daughters school play


Document, this kind of stuff is what you need to present to the court to get at least 50/50 custody. Full is tough for a man.

Seen an attorney yet?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Well today I have a old cell phone under the seat so I can track it, she said tomorrow she is going out with a girl friend so I will track if it goes other direction than I can follow and take pics, I wish she would just file for divorce because I hate to have to be the one to initiate it especially for the kids sake, and what I want is for the kids to live with me, I want to put her through hell in court if at all possible . She denies it all but why if ur saying we're over why deny it


She has a self interest to delay a divorce. She can sit home fence sitting while you take care of holidays, baby sit, mow the lawn, pay bills etc. She can ignore you emotionally at home while getting her physical and emotional needs met with someone else. Why would she want to lose that deal? If it does not work out with this guy she can go back to you or find someone else. Sadly, read a few hundred threads here, it happens every week on TAM alone. 

Stay cool, play dumb. You have tipped her off so she may be cautious. But she will slip up and you will catch her red handed. By then you should be prepared to dump her then and there, as in having her served. So you do need to steel yourself up and go see a divorce lawyer. Consultations are generally free. See more than one. Make discreet inquires with trusted acquaintances as to who is a good divorce lawyer. I tell you to act fast because as her attachment to him grows her attachment to her fades. It may be too late. Even then don't you want to know that now rather than later? 

As far as the kids living with you that is down the road. Your lawyer can explain how that works. First you catch her red handed and serve her. 

Sorry you are going through this. But she started it. You need to finish it on the best possible terms you can get.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Thanks for the support


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Well all I went to a lawyer today to find out some information , seems that it would be a simple case , and I would get 50/50 custody and half everything, she probly won't be ok with that and it will be a battle, now waiting for her to file already not sure why she has not .tonight she is going out with a friend for dinner but I know it's probley with him


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hayday said:


> Well all I went to a lawyer today to find out some information , seems that it would be a simple case , and I would get 50/50 custody and half everything, she probly won't be ok with that and it will be a battle, now waiting for her to file already not sure why she has not .tonight she is going out with a friend for dinner but I know it's probley with him


Sorry, WHY are you waiting for her to file and not just filing yourself?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Do your own mental health a huge favor and forget about why she is or isn't filing or why she is acting like a giant ahole. You will probably never know why. It does not matter. What matters is her behavior. As long as she has a home with you as a back up plan she will never file, well maybe until her boyfriend threatens to dump her. 

If it is him tonight get pictures of the guy and figure out where he lives. Don't confront yet, you need absolute proof. If you can try and time everything all together with family and close friends exposure, her packed suitcase on his stoop and a process server handing her a divorce petition instigated by you. A trifecta. She wont know what hit her. Then she will either come crawling back or will stay with him. She stays with him just divorce her as fast as you can. You cannot try and nice her back. Waste of time. If she comes crawling back you can decide whether you want to keep her.

Either way it is a tough road but you have no real other choices.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hayday said:


> Well today I have a old cell phone under the seat so I can track it, she said tomorrow she is going out with a girl friend so I will track if it goes other direction than I can follow and take pics, I wish she would just file for divorce because I hate to have to be the one to initiate it especially for the kids sake, and what I want is for the kids to live with me, I want to put her through hell in court if at all possible . She denies it all but why if ur saying we're over why deny it


Cheaters lie, hide, deny. A lot! It's their mantra.

She's not going to tell you a thing besides she's got the best of both worlds right now. A boyfriend and a husband to take care of the house and family while she's out with him.

Why would she file? Eating cake is fine with her.

You need to wake up. 

No var? You could've wrapped this up.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

The only reason I'm waiting for her to file is for the kids.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Hayday said:


> The only reason I'm waiting for her to file is for the kids.



Clearly you're not listening to any advice, and you have had plenty of good advice.

Your statement makes no sense. What difference does it make on the kids who files?

What if she never files? Can you live like that? Obviously yes, since you will wait for her to file no matter how long it takes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hayday said:


> The only reason I'm waiting for her to file is for the kids.


Nope, you are to weak and passive. Using the "kids" excuse so you don't have to stand up for yourself.

This gives her control over you and your life.

Perhaps that's why you are where you are.

Strength is attractive


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

..


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> The only reason I'm waiting for her to file is for the kids.


If she was really going to file she would have moved out and filed already. She probably has not done so because HE is stringing her along. He has it great. Sees her periodically for a quickie and does not have to deal with her 3 brats. For her filing is not about the kids. She has you to take them to school events while she hangs with her 'friends'. Why should she file and only see her kids half the time? She has a babysitter at home who is free. I think your waiting for her file is really about waiting for her to come back. Based on what you have posted here you will wait a long time. 

So Hayden, if you wait for her to file you have a long long really awful wait. So STOP this pining NOW. Do want YOU need to do to take care of yourself and your kids. Figure out who the guy is. Catch them in the act of being together so there is no denial with all the other evidence you have presented here that she is having an inappropriate relationship. Tell your kids that Mommy has a boyfriend and that when Mommy and Daddy agreed to marry they agreed to not have other girlfriends and boyfriends. Then file for divorce and expose her infidelity. If that does not bring her to her senses nothing will and you will just have to move on. 

I mention exposure because it is like sunlight on a dark and hidden place like affairs are. Exposure is like the sun acting as a disinfectant. Once the affair is exposed she can explain to family and friends who the new guy is and why she did not divorce you first because you were such a horrible person. Oh, and if the guy is married or has a girlfriend he can explain to his significant other. Blowing up the affair is your best shot. Sulking around the house waiting for her to come back just makes her more and more attached and attracted to him. Man up dude.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Wow get this I found his shirt under her car seat, I approached her and she went ballistic , I recorded the whole thing, screaming to give her the shirt , threaten to kill her self, punch walls screaming to give her the shirt kids crying. I took a pic or it and finally gave it to her it was a scared scene.... my question is , is this guy married to and she is scared that I would blow up spot ? Why would she get like this? Plus do I have more leverage with the outburst recorded ? Plus she said I bought the shirt and put it there lol


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill and inform his wife.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Wow get this I found his shirt under her car seat, I approached her and she went ballistic , I recorded the whole thing, screaming to give her the shirt , threaten to kill her self, punch walls screaming to give her the shirt kids crying. I took a pic or it and finally gave it to her it was a scared scene.... my question is , is this guy married to and she is scared that I would blow up spot ? Why would she get like this? Plus do I have more leverage with the outburst recorded ? Plus she said I bought the shirt and put it there lol


Hayden, I understand why you approached her. You are running on emotions . You have to try and yourself cool. You approached her too soon. Perfect that you recorded though. Make sure to safeguard that recording that she can't delete it and claim it never happened. Make 2 copies of everything and hide where she will never ever find. In the cloud online perhaps. Is she tech savvy? If so physical copies in a bank safty deposit box. 

That being said you just partially blew up her fantasy, that is why she went gonzo and is trying to dig her way out. Saying you put the shirt there. Laughable. Reality just swiped her. We literally warned you she is hooking up in a car. Now keep a recorder with you at all times. Now she may try and set you up. Don't think she will not lie and call the police saying you hit her. She will follow that up with a restraining order getting you kicked out of the house. Put video recorders everywhere. You have been warned. 

Yes, you have perfect leverage recording this. Who knows whether he is married? We advised you to take her phone and have the deleted messages dumped. Plus family PC. That is one way to gather that inf. Another is a PI. That costs money. If you take her phone now his number is there somewhere. She contacted him after you confronted. She wants to protect her boyfriend from her jealous husband. 

On another note start gathering your valuables discreetly. Heirlooms, etc. Guns especially. Get them all moved off site. Plus marriage certificate, yours and children's birth certificates and yours and your children passports. 

If you have any credit cards in both names cancel now. Reopen in your name only. You don't want her running up credit that you are on the hook for. Any joint banking accounts close and open in your name only. 

I ask again? Does your wife work full time? 

Stay cool this weekend, Tr and salvage whats left of the weekend with your kids away from her. After what they witnessed it may be good time to explain that Mommy has a BF and Daddy cannot tolerate that, that you will probably separate and they will live in 2 houses. Don't give her time to spin lies. Just tell them upfront. 


Give a lawyer money Monday and file quickly. You have to keep her off balance.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

One more thing I don't think has been mentioned is a semen detection kit. Amazon and Walmart have them. Use the kit on her panties if she is not washing her going out drawers right away. Don't confront her with it. Keep the panties and the results stored in a plastic bag offsite. Take a picture of the panties, results and the days newspaper front page all together. Also, She may have purchased sexy underwear for her trysts. Search the house and her car trunk. Look for condoms. Look for a burner phone too.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

She does work full time, do u think he is married that's why she went nuts like that ? Anytime i bring him up she says maybe one day in future if I marry him etc... plus do u think he planted his shirt there knowing I would find it ?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> She does work full time, do u think he is married that's why she went nuts like that ? Anytime i bring him up she says maybe one day in future if I marry him etc... plus do u think he planted his shirt there knowing I would find it ?



I asked if she works full time because if so it is possible and actually likely she works with him. The guys shirt was left in the car because they met for a quickie in the car and he forgot his shirt. Planting it, I doubt it. If he wanted to telegraph to you what is going on she would be spending the night. Or already moved in. Has she spent the night at some 'friends' house lately? 

I will say this again. She blew up because you caught her in her lies and now the fantasy is crumbling. 

Why are you even talking to her about what happened? How much verbal disrespect are you going to endure? She has shown you she is a liar and has no respect for you nor the children. Telling you she might marry him is taunting you. Ignore her taunts. Put on headphones and sing to music like she did on your anniversary. 

If she brings anything up that does concern the welfare of the children just say "That's nice" and continue to search for evidence. And put your affairs in order. If she follows you around the house taunting you just record her and yourself replying, "That is nice", "I wish you the best" etc. 

Oh, and be prepared shortly for her to try and get in your pants. Sexy outfits, bikini wax, etc. Don't fall for it. Hysterical bonding on her affairs partners used vagina. Keep that picture in your head. And more. Get the picture? Cheaters do things with their affair partners that they may never have done with their mates.You might think you are claiming her back but she is just using you to get you in a place of complacency so she can take the affair deeper underground. Don't be fooled and think she has suddenly changed her mind. 

She has shown you no regret nor remorse for her behavior. You have to be ruthless in turn.

S


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Wow thanks for that , and no she does not work with him or even near him ... I though maybe he was married to by the way she went nuts almost threw herself down the stairs and held a sharp wooden stick to her neck threaten to kill herself, she had to have that shirt back .. I never in 16 years seen her like this


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So as long as you didn't have hard evidence, she could continue to deny everything. But the shirt was hard evidence, and her irrational side figured if she could hide the shirt again, she might be able to return to denying the affair. And the irrational side is going into crazy panic mode. 

I'm not sure what you're waiting for. As someone else said, she likes the status quo. You stay married, she keeps her boyfriend. The shirt interrupted the status quo, of course. If you're happy living with a wife that has a boyfriend, then tell her so. If not, then you need to bring reality back into her face. You can either divorce or reconcile at this point. But whichever of those two you choose, you should file for divorce. THAT'S what will bring reality back to her. THAT'S what she needs to face. If she wants to reconcile and shows sufficient remorse, you can stop the divorce process at any point. But it's important for her to face the prospect of divorce for the reconciliation process to start. 

If her lover has a spouse or girlfriend, expose the affair to that woman immediately without warning your wife. This is the best way to kill an active affair.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Wow thanks for that , and no she does not work with him or even near him ... I though maybe he was married to by the way s*he went nuts almost threw herself down the stairs and held a sharp wooden stick to her neck threaten to kill herself*, she had to have that shirt back .. I never in 16 years seen her like this


Do you have a video or audio recording of that? Why did you stop her?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> So as long as you didn't have hard evidence, she could continue to deny everything. But the shirt was hard evidence, and her irrational side figured if she could hide the shirt again, she might be able to return to denying the affair. And the irrational side is going into crazy panic mode.
> 
> I'm not sure what you're waiting for. As someone else said, she likes the status quo. You stay married, she keeps her boyfriend. The shirt interrupted the status quo, of course. If you're happy living with a wife that has a boyfriend, then tell her so. If not, then you need to bring reality back into her face. You can either divorce or reconcile at this point. But whichever of those two you choose, you should file for divorce. THAT'S what will bring reality back to her. THAT'S what she needs to face. If she wants to reconcile and shows sufficient remorse, you can stop the divorce process at any point. But it's important for her to face the prospect of divorce for the reconciliation process to start.
> 
> If her lover has a spouse or girlfriend, expose the affair to that woman immediately without warning your wife. This is the best way to kill an active affair.




Without Warning! I exposed my wife's affair to the OM's wife, using my wife's phone and in my wife's presence. Her world exploded right before my eyes. 

However, keep in mind your wife may become violent if you do it in a similar manner as I did. My wife is not the violent, aggressive type at all. But I had to remind her to not get physical with me several times while I exposed the affair to the OM's wife in my wife's presence. 

Seeing how she is reacting so far, you need to be prepared to de-escalate the violence if she comes at you. It's a very hard thing to balance a quick, safe exposure and not allowing her to tip off her affair partner before you expose. You need to be 10 steps ahead. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Just curious do you all think the guy put the shirt there knowing I would find it ? Do u think he may be married that's why she went insane over it ?
Just curious


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Wow get this I found his shirt under her car seat, I approached her and she went ballistic , I recorded the whole thing, screaming to give her the shirt , threaten to kill her self, punch walls screaming to give her the shirt kids crying. I took a pic or it and finally gave it to her it was a scared scene.... my question is , is this guy married to and she is scared that I would blow up spot ? Why would she get like this? Plus do I have more leverage with the outburst recorded ? Plus she said I bought the shirt and put it there lol


HayDay, why are you delaying the inevitable? Why are you putting your kids through scenes like this? It appears you are feeding off all the drama, you are not listening to anyone here on TAM. It is terrible what she is doing to you but in a way you could stop this right now, if you wanted to. Somehow I think you are not going to because in some bizarre way you are wallowing in self pity, etc. Please take the necessary action and do everyone (especially yourself) a favour! Go and file for a divorce now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Just curious do you all think the guy put the shirt there knowing I would find it ? Do u think he may be married that's why she went insane over it ?
> Just curious


Hayday, who bloody cares! Your wife of 16 years is talking about maybe marrying another man, and this is all you care about? Why are you not following the advice of TAMers. Put a VAR in her car, get a PI whatever it takes, get the evidence then expose to all and sundry, go see the lawyer and file.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Do u all think I can get my kids half the time ? I'm so close with them I can't imagine less


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No way to tell. There's a chance she wants you to have them half the time so she can play with her friend unfettered by kids. But, she may want full time so she can get more of your money. That's why we have begged you to go talk to an attorney from the first of this thread.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I did see a lawyer she said it seems like a straight forward case 50/50 even with the kids,but I'm curious if anyone else won this


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hayday said:


> I did see a lawyer she said it seems like a straight forward case 50/50 even with the kids,but I'm curious if anyone else won this


I have 50/50 custody of my kids. I didn't have to go to court. THat's the route I suggest, if possible. If you can work out an "amicable" divorce settlement with her and get your kids half the time, do it. If she wants to fight you for full custody, fight her. Now is the time to keep a cool head. Do NOT act out of emotion. You MUST keep this as businesslike as possible. If she feels the least bit of guilt about what she has done, file NOW. Because that guilt won't last forever and she will not be willing to treat you fairly but for a narrow time period. 
You truly need to get some advice from an experienced attorney and get her signature on some divorce paperwork.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Play that recording of her to the judge of her with a Dracula stake on her throat threatening to fly down the staircase. That should guarantee 50%.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Do you have 50/50 were the kids live with u in that time frame and than with the other parent ?


Evinrude58 said:


> I have 50/50 custody of my kids. I didn't have to go to court. THat's the route I suggest, if possible. If you can work out an "amicable" divorce settlement with her and get your kids half the time, do it. If she wants to fight you for full custody, fight her. Now is the time to keep a cool head. Do NOT act out of emotion. You MUST keep this as businesslike as possible. If she feels the least bit of guilt about what she has done, file NOW. Because that guilt won't last forever and she will not be willing to treat you fairly but for a narrow time period.
> You truly need to get some advice from an experienced attorney and get her signature on some divorce paperwork.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Haha yes if it comes down to a hearing I'll play the recording


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, rverybother week with me pretty mych


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

HayDay - it sounds like you're frightened of her.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Well so far still at home, just waiting for her to make a move, I rather her do it but if I don't get what I want I will hire the lawyer I met with , I want 50/50 and the kids half the time as well..... the wife has been so nasty and cold the past days but I'm just going with the flow for now, she keeps telling me soon I'll be at my moms lol, all I want to do is not make this easy for her


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Hayday said:


> Well so far still at home, just waiting for her to make a move, I rather her do it but if I don't get what I want I will hire the lawyer I met with , I want 50/50 and the kids half the time as well..... the wife has been so nasty and cold the past days but I'm just going with the flow for now, she keeps telling me soon I'll be at my moms lol, all I want to do is not make this easy for her


I'm going to sign off this thread. Good luck with the Mack Truck headed in your direction. Don't say you weren't warned repeatedly.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Well so far still at home, just waiting for her to make a move, I rather her do it but if I don't get what I want I will hire the lawyer I met with , I want 50/50 and the kids half the time as well..... the wife has been so nasty and cold the past days but I'm just going with the flow for now, she keeps telling me soon I'll be at my moms lol, all I want to do is not make this easy for her


You are setting yourself for a long long wait. By waiting for her to make a decision you have made it easier for her --- to do nothing, she just sits on the fence a married women with 2 children looking forward to monkey sex with her boyfriend. Meanwhile you are are making it harder for yourself by delaying her being forced to decide -- all the while you suffer so deeply by being betrayed by the person you loved the most. 

Wake up. It's your choice. Not hers.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hayday..... YOU are allowing her to do this to you. FILE for D YESTERDAY.

I know why you're scared..... it's the unknown... and how you always hear how men get F'ed over

in a divorce. If you both work... make comparable incomes... it should all be 50 / 50.

You will get screwed with child support.... even if you make the exact same salary. But it's better

than it was 30-40 years ago... every other weekend and three hours on a Thursday afternoon at

Mike's Pizza Parlor. She will Plan B you as long as YOU allow it. You are her safety net.

If it don't work out with OM, she can come back to you.

Now...... I know you still want her back and would take her in your arms right now. BUT.... you

virtually give her a green light to do it again. And when you take her back... you will be happy

for..... six months. Then resentment will set in. Tough sheet.... you accepted her back, can't 

browbeat her for the cheating then. Go read "NewPhoenix5" thread... his W cheated and for

the last 3-4 years he is consumed with anger. He is utterly miserable. Hayday.... I see you going

down that same road. Now pick your arse up, wipe your snotty nose, show your W you DO have

balls and go file for D. Then find out WTF the OM is.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Ur right and it's hard , actually she makes double money salary and she works late and work trips so I'm guessing I would get the kids half if not full time based on that alone and she an pay me child support 😀


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hayday said:


> Ur right and it's hard , actually she makes double money salary and she works late and work trips so I'm guessing I would get the kids half if not full time based on that alone and she an pay me child support 😀


*FILE, FILE, FILE*

Have you ever been 2x4'd?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hayday said:


> Ur right and it's hard , actually she makes double money salary and she works late and work trips so I'm guessing I would get the kids half if not full time based on that alone and she an pay me child support 😀


Sorry, I couldn't wait......


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Ur right and it's hard , actually she makes double money salary and she works late and work trips so I'm guessing I would get the kids half if not full time based on that alone and she an pay me child support 😀


If your lawyer is worth 1% of what he charges you, you will get you alimony


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Ur right and it's hard , actually she makes double money salary and she works late and work trips so I'm guessing I would get the kids half if not full time based on that alone and she an pay me child support 😀


We know it is hard. But you have to do it. Once you file and she gets served reality will hit her like a tsunami. She will either try and fix the marriage which she broke or she will go along with the divorce, hopefully for you quickly. Divorcing her quickly helps you in a that while she is in the fog of her new profound love you can squeeze her for better terms. 

When she mentions nonsense like her having full custody and you living in mom's basement with a army cot and a alarm clock just ignore her. Some women think they own the kids and the whole house. It pretty much does not work like that anymore. Either she cooperates in the divorce and agrees to terms or a judge will decide. If there are alimony laws in your state she loses. She might know that hence her putting it off... 

Bottom line you have no choice but to do this. Think of your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that being abused by your life partner is normal? That infidelity is ok? That betrayal is ok? That 1 + 1 is not 2 but 3? They are going to remember that shirt incident the rest of their lives. That is on her, not you. But you still have to get your family out of this toxic environment as fast as you can. Not only you suffer but your children do too. Children always know more than we think they do Think about that.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Thanks Brooklyn , your words are very helpful, sad part is she tells me that I keep telling her I will change but I'm not and I'm like WTF I found a guys shirt in ur car that u chat with in instagram and I have to change !!! Oh yea it's just a old friend....

It's very hard for me to pull the trigger and file, I wish she would just do it already , she did say she wanted a meadiator but I'm like when ??

BTW Brooklyn is my home town, bay ridge


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hayday said:


> Thanks Brooklyn , your words are very helpful, sad part is she tells me that I keep telling her I will change but I'm not and I'm like WTF I found a guys shirt in ur car that u chat with in instagram and I have to change !!! Oh yea it's just a old friend....
> 
> It's very hard for me to pull the trigger and file, I wish she would just do it already , she did say she wanted a meadiator but I'm like when ??
> 
> BTW Brooklyn is my home town, bay ridge


HayDay, why aren't you controlling the situation, why are you waiting for your wife to do it? Your marriage is a runaway train and you are waiting for your cheating wife to suddenly do an about turn. Get ahead of the curve, get the lawyer, find out your rights, get your ducks in a row, etc. 

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I'm afraid to be honest, and my kids will be devastated and if I can prevent that as long as I can.. I know I'm wrong and I should just do it ..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hayday said:


> I'm afraid to be honest, and my kids will be devastated and if I can prevent that as long as I can.. I know I'm wrong and I should just do it ..


Your kids will be devastated by WHAT exactly? Because they no longer have to sit back and watch you act like a dog turd being kicked around the playground???

Dude. WTF are you DOING?!?!?!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Thanks Brooklyn , your words are very helpful, sad part is she tells me that I keep telling her I will change but I'm not and I'm like WTF I found a guys shirt in ur car that u chat with in instagram and I have to change !!! Oh yea it's just a old friend....
> 
> It's very hard for me to pull the trigger and file, I wish she would just do it already , she did say she wanted a meadiator but I'm like when ??
> 
> BTW Brooklyn is my home town, bay ridge


Hayden, you are searching for rationality and logic in someone who is not thinking that way. Your wife was like that before she made the decision to step out. She killed her old self by cheating. Your old wife is gone. Accept that. And I am sorry to say that but it is the truth. 

Your new wife has taken off her wedding band, mocks you, lies to you , argues with you over nothing, threatens self inflicting wounds in front of you and her children just to protect her lies ( her new man...) and more. 

You present wife is a liar. Her demands that you change only came to light AFTER She got caught. That is standard operating procedure for cheaters. 

You are wishing your old wife will come back. She is gone man, Sorry. While you do nothing she will not come back. She sees it as a sign of weakness. You are a stranger to her now because she is a stranger to her old self. While you wish and wait for her to file she daydreams about the next tryst she has with her new lover. Stop wasting your time.

Read this whole thread again. Just file. She will not cooperate until she knows you mean business. And maybe she won't cooperate. You want to stay married to that?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> I'm afraid to be honest, and my kids will be devastated and if I can prevent that as long as I can.. I know I'm wrong and I should just do it ..


Your children are resilient. Divorce is not the end of the world. While you delay filing you expose them to the bitter and mean spirit your wife has become in relation to you. You want them thinking that is normal? Just file. You don't need her permission or cooperation to do so. Nor do you need her cooperation to tell the kids. Just file and tell them why. Her lies are her problem. The kids will see through it. Don't teach your lids to lie and sweep problems under the rug. 

I live in downtown BK by the way.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Hayday said:


> I'm afraid to be honest, and my kids will be devastated and if I can prevent that as long as I can.. I know I'm wrong and I should just do it ..


We can tell you're afraid.

When people operate out of fear, they lose - big time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The old saying "the longer you wait the harder it gets" applies to situations like this too. There's nothing easy about this but it will never be easier than today. The more you wait the more you fear.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Even though I KNEW I HAD to file for D with my XW..... I was still scared of "the unknown."

I was "unplugged" and it was damp, dark, frightening. Over the hill was a hint of sunshine. I stepped 

into the light / Tao. I can not tell you how exhilarating it was... no word(s) give it true justice.

I just know.... almost five years later..... I do not regret it not even 0.00000001%.

But had I buried my head in the sand..........


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Hi all, so it's been a rocky few weeks with some more issues and she has yet to schedule anything so I'm scheduling mediation for Friday but she tells me she won't have time and has to be according to her schedule. If I set it up for Friday can I go and will she look bad if she doesent ? I want out I'm sick of her now, two weeks ago she went out Friday to about1 than sat leaves at 9 am and comes home 2 in the morning ( went to a body building contest , she says her friends friend dies it but this guy also does it so I know she went for him) but all freaking day ??? And than the next day leaves 9 am for massage .. wtf never did this stuff before .... so Thursday before we left for shore she went out again to 1 in the morning , than we went to the shore I stayed far away from her and just had fun with my kids , today's r last day here and I reminded her I want this over next week or atleast started. She still denies everything and warns me not to involve anyone especially when I told her if I will suffer I'll make sure this guys wife or going to be ex wife knows what I know ... sorry to make this so long


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Well everybody's been telling you what to do so you haven't done one thing... you really should just try to take the suggestions that are given to you. File for divorce.!!! now file for divorce.!!!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Hi all, so it's been a rocky few weeks with some more issues and she has yet to schedule anything so I'm scheduling mediation for Friday but she tells me she won't have time and has to be according to her schedule. If I set it up for Friday can I go and will she look bad if she doesent ? I want out I'm sick of her now, two weeks ago she went out Friday to about1 than sat leaves at 9 am and comes home 2 in the morning ( went to a body building contest , she says her friends friend dies it but this guy also does it so I know she went for him) but all freaking day ??? And than the next day leaves 9 am for massage .. wtf never did this stuff before .... so Thursday before we left for shore she went out again to 1 in the morning , than we went to the shore I stayed far away from her and just had fun with my kids , today's r last day here and I reminded her I want this over next week or atleast started. She still denies everything and warns me not to involve anyone especially when I told her if I will suffer I'll make sure this guys wife or going to be ex wife knows what I know ... sorry to make this so long


Why should she schedule anything? She has a free babysitter while she gets her kicks with her boyfriend. Why are you so afraid of her? She warns you not to expose him and you comply? Are you afraid that if he is married or dating and gets dumped by his wife or gf that your wife will run off with him? Hayden, let her run. Do you want to stay married to someone who considers you the nest watcher while she is mating with someone else. She is cuckolding you and you are playing exactly along by doing nothing but talk which she now knows is nothing but empty threats. Keep sitting on your hands doing nothing and the next step in this classic story is her getting knocked up by him and you raising the child as your own. 

This has been going on since April. You know whats going on and you have been given the same advice repeatedly by different posters to figure out who he is, expose and file. You don't need her cooperation. Just do it now before you need to explain why is mommy pregnant from another man but married to daddy.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I know that's why I'm setting up mediation this week but what if she says she has no time ?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

If you have not filed what are you mediating? Are you mediating the filing of the divorce? She is not cooperating. File. When a judge tells her to get a lawyer, then she will cooperate because it will cost her not to. Dude, you need a lawyer. Order the attorney to file. Ideally next time she on one of her long dates is when she should get served.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Don't you meditate first and agree and stuff before trying to go the lawyer route ?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, if she wanted to cooperate. She is not cooperating. She will never set a date until it conveniences her. You are the free baby sitter. Why would she change that and face the hard reality of her choices. She will sit on the fence until the zombie apocalypse, i.e. she will never make the appointment. 

Just see your lawyer and file. That will get her off the fence.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Trying to avoid the lawyers fees , she also would rather meditate , say I do make the appointment and she does not go do I get any points for showing up?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You waste your time and no one cares. The mediator's time is wasted too. 

If she really wanted to leave she would have left already. If she really wanted to divorce she would have filed. If she really wanted to mediate she would have made the appointment already. I suspect her lover has not committed to leave his significant other so she is stringing you along as plan B. 

Dude, fark the money. Just file.


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