# Need some help



## medic1967 (Apr 3, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for 2 weeks. Se told me that night that she felt empty inside. For several months she has been loosing weight and I would ask her is everything alright and she would say it was fine but then that night the reason for the weight lose was because she didnt know how to tell me and was afraid to tell me. She didnt like the way our marriage was going and we have been married for 18 years with 3 children ages 13, 8 and 4. She said she could not take it anymore I know when we fight I get bad with my mouth and my comments about her and my threat of always leaving is an issue but I only said it to hurt her or get a reaction out of her. I use my words to hurt her. I packed my bag and left that night to cool off and calm things down. I tried to go back to the house and now she wont let me back in. Its not our house, her father gave it to us but keeps it in his name for tax reasons so its a free rental.

I didnt force my way back in since she said that she would leave with the kids and go to her mothers. Oh and her parents are divorced. So I said fine I went to my parents house to stay since I didnt want her to move the kids out of the house.

I know most of it is my fault because of my mouth and attitude when we fight. Most of our fights are over money and family. I have asked her to go to MC and she said she just wants to be by herself right now to focus on herself and the kids. I am seeking help for my issues but she feels nothing for the effort. I have asked her to go out one dates once a week to start reconnecting and she said no that she has a wall up right now and is bring up old stuff from when we first got married. Early in our married I hit her once and pushed her away. She is an in your face type of person and I didnt want to talk or fight and I slapped her in the face once then another time pushed her away. That was over 15 years ago when it happen.

I asked her 2 times already if she wanted a divorce and she said she doesnt know what she wants. I just dont want to be dragged along. She said that there is no one else.

I wrote her a 4 page letter and gave her 2 cards saying I love her and miss her. Still nothing. I know its only 2 weeks.

Where do I go from here? How do I win her back? I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. Like I said I know I am accepting my faults and going to get help for them. I never cheated on her, came home drunk and abuse her or the kids dont use drugs or gamble away our money.

HELP....


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems there is only one option now. Work on yourself and become a better person. Perhaps even go to an individual therapist for your issues (especially the verbal abuse). Maybe she will take notice and be willing to go to MC then.


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## medic1967 (Apr 3, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems there is only one option now. Work on yourself and become a better person. Perhaps even go to an individual therapist for your issues (especially the verbal abuse). Maybe she will take notice and be willing to go to MC then.


I am just starting going to one. Did my intake interview last week and had my first meeting tonight with the therapist. Thanks for the feedback.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

My husband could have written this...

you say,
"She said she could not take it anymore I know when we fight I get bad with my mouth and my comments about her and my threat of always leaving is an issue but I only said it to hurt her or get a reaction out of her. I use my words to hurt her."

I speak as me... 
your words hurt just like you meant them to. I would have prefered knives. I never deserved a word of it but you just raged. and I was supposed to be able to take it forever? You are surprised I could only do 12 yrs?

Your wife did 18 that's 6 better than I could manage. Maybe you have more redeaming qualities...


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

You need to stop persuing her and give her the space that she needs.

The more you persue, the more she is going to withdraw.
I would stop with the letters and the cards. I know it is hard to do especially when you want to do the opposite but that is what has to happen if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

Go to counseling, work on YOU, be there for your kids.
Give your wife some time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Shianne said:


> My husband could have written this...
> 
> you say,
> "She said she could not take it anymore I know when we fight I get bad with my mouth and my comments about her and my threat of always leaving is an issue but I only said it to hurt her or get a reaction out of her. I use my words to hurt her."
> ...


My husband too. And you're making it 7 more years than I. 

OP you sound like my H. He's still here but if I ever get him to leave, I will enjoy the peace. My biggest complaint is he's always on my back talking about everything I do or say wrong and I'm so tired of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

medic1967 said:


> My wife and I have been separated for 2 weeks. Se told me that night that she felt empty inside. For several months she has been loosing weight and I would ask her is everything alright and she would say it was fine but then that night the reason for the weight lose was because she didnt know how to tell me and was afraid to tell me. She didnt like the way our marriage was going and we have been married for 18 years with 3 children ages 13, 8 and 4. She said she could not take it anymore I know when we fight I get bad with my mouth and my comments about her and my threat of always leaving is an issue but I only said it to hurt her or get a reaction out of her. I use my words to hurt her. I packed my bag and left that night to cool off and calm things down. I tried to go back to the house and now she wont let me back in. Its not our house, her father gave it to us but keeps it in his name for tax reasons so its a free rental.
> 
> I didnt force my way back in since she said that she would leave with the kids and go to her mothers. Oh and her parents are divorced. So I said fine I went to my parents house to stay since I didnt want her to move the kids out of the house.
> 
> ...


You do abuse her. Your words are abusing her. Threatening to leave is abusing her. And even how long ago - you abused her when you hit her. As nice as you try to paint it, your wife just escaped an abusive marriage to you. And until your focus is on the pain and hurt you've caused her and how to make her feel better even if it means letting her go, not how to get her back - she feels you don't get it. Unless your wife can't survive financially, this is more than a 2 week fix. You have immense damage to repair and rebuild the relationship. It starts with your acknowledgement and true effort into changing. Are you up for that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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