# Hard to let go? I don't understand why....



## kzoomom (Jul 26, 2017)

Why is it hard to let go? Why is it hard to forgive? I have been so hurt by him in the past and NOW he thinks that because he is home and helping around the house and NOW he is helping with our son (after not for the first 2 1/2 years of his life) he is a good dad and a great husband (yes, he has made those comments). 

Not attending my grandma’s funeral so he could go hunting, drinking all the time, not coming home until late at night …. and drunk, telling me I need to get my moustache waxed, I need a hair cut, I have a uni-brow, telling me my hair looks greasy, telling me I was 250 lbs when I was pregnant, telling me I am over reacting to all of these comments and I am just being over sensitive. 
He never wants to go to family functions on my side of the family….until recently after I complained about it. Now when he goes, he just sits with my dad off to the side and doesn’t talk to anyone.

One time last year he came home after a night of heavy drinking and was hung over in the morning before work, I was pissed at him in the morning and not speaking to him. He looked straight at me and said “You look awful bloated”. I just walked away.

The night before I went into labor for our son I was very sick. He yelled at me for eating a crappy lunch and that was the reason I was so sick. He said he didn’t have a lot of sympathy for me. Little did he know at the time that 5 other family members had the same illness within 24 hours of me. Obviously it was either a flu bug or food poisoning….not a crappy lunch.

When I told him I stopped seeing my counselor he asked me why. I told him I just didn’t see the need to continue. He asked me if she told me I was a crazy psychopath. When I was seeing my counselor he was bugging me to tell him what we talked about and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to tell him. He got mad/frustrated when I refused.

The night our dog had to be put down, he couldn’t take her…..he was too drunk. I had to take her.
When we talked recently, he told me that I didn’t have that good of a job…yet. He told me that I didn’t make that good of money…yet. Remind you, I think I have a terrific and sable job and I make close to $10,000 more a year than him (before taxes, before bonus, and overtime). After overtime, I bring home about $3,000 more a year….He has no clue what bills are and how much they are.

He is an alcoholic. He says he is not, he just likes to drink from time to time. Remind you it is usually everyday he has beer. Some days are more than others. Only recently when I complain to him, he cuts back on the drinking. When I am not home for a weekend he jumps in both feet with the booze!
I have not been having sex with him. It does not feel good anymore. I don’t like it. He got mad at me once and stood up, screamed at me (while our son was in my arms) “pack your **** and get the f**k out”. Another time when I told him he had to take our son to swim lessons and he didn’t want to he told me I was acting like a b***h (while our son was in the car) and another time he got our son from daycare and I called him on his way home I could hear our son screaming in the background and I asked what was wrong he said something along the lines of…every time I get him from daycare he has ****ty f*****g diaper, you sure did pick a f*****g great daycare. That is not true. Our son is never poopy when I get him from daycare which is 99% of the time, and if for some reason he is, I have him changed before I leave with him.

I have asked my husband to say home, have dinner ready when we get home, get our son from daycare, stop drinking…over and over and over and over for years. Not until he realized that I was about to walk out the door did he change, and do any of these things. I don’t trust that he will stay changed. He is who he is. 

All my friends tell me to leave him. I will be better off without him. Why is it so hard for me to tell him I want to leave?

These are just a few examples of how he has hurt me over the years......


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Be there done that, still with him though he is now a dry drunk and the kids have moved on. 
It will not get any better, he will make promises and break them, he may become sober if he knows he is going to lose his family, but don't hold your breathe. If I had to do it all again, I stayed for 20 years plus, I would have left at the beginning. Start going to Al-Anon, it will help you get a grasp on the situation and it will help you to detach. Read co-dependent no more by Melodie Beattie.
Do not pander to him, keep a record of what he does, think about seeing a lawyer, dump him, not only is he an alcoholic he is a mean one, the worst kind. You do not want bringing your kid up in that kind of household.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The simplest answer is that your brain has created neural pathways that are like streams and therefore easy for you to fall into the flow of thinking the way you always have. You really have to retrain your mind to think differently. Also time away from him will dry up these streams. 

The point is time and detachment will change your thinking, but you got to let it do it's work. Just like flowing upstream it's hard at first, like anything else you need momentum. Sounds like you know the logical choice it's just hard to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is the same exact thing you posted in your previous thread. Are you doing nothing?? Your husband is a class "A" ASS-HOLE. You need to get out. Period. Stop being so damn afraid, stand up for yourself, and get out. He hasnt changed and he isnt GOING to change. He disrespects you at every turn, so what the hell is keeping you there?? Fear is keeping you there. Fear of WHAT?? Not having to wake up to a disrepectful ass-hole of a drunk every day?? Fear of being free??


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Whenever he asks you to forgive, ask him for what reason is looking for forgiveness. Let's see if he can even name what he has done wrong.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You have a job and a daycare for son. He will have to pay child support so you will be OK. I'm sure you do everything else in that house. What does he do? I would leave. It will not get any better if you stay. In fact, it could get worse and then you will feel stuck. If you get out now-- both you and your son will be free of pain and abuse. Living with a drunk is horrible and you should want better!!


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

A very honest description of a bitter life lived in fear, lived in pain, get the hell away from this ass, he will never change, he is minding his behaviour as he knows you will hit the bricks if he doesn't, it is temporary at best, believe me i think your friends are correct on this guy, they want the best for you and your family, get this guy to ****, he is an alcoholic, he will never admit this either, you deserve better, much better, it will be hard for you to tell him, but muster the courage and get it out, ignore his plea's, just do it sooner rather than later, it will only benefit you when you do admit it to yourself that it is over, but i know you know this already.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

kzoomom said:


> He is who he is.


If there's anything I have learned in the last 5 years it's this. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. You can coerce him into trying therapy, counselling, not drinking... you name it, but it will always be temporary because he's doing it out of fear. It's the same reason you stay, because you're scared of leaving. We all do it. He doesn't want to change, he's just afraid of being alone, or being a loser or having a "failed marriage" or whatever it is that makes him pretend to try to change.

It took me 5 years, but I finally left. He never changed, though thought he did. It's hard but it's so much better than being there. If you don't think you can do it, you can. If you think he's gonna change, he won't. People will come out of the woodwork and help you once you stand up for yourself, you will be amazed at how many people step out and help you. There is nothing more lonely than a dead marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your poor son. Why does he deserve to stay and grow up in such a toxic environment? 

If you won't leave for your sake, then do it for the sake of your son.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

kzoomom said:


> . Why is it so hard for me to tell him I want to leave?


Why would you need to tell him? Just do it. He'll figure it out once you're not there. 

You don't need his consent or buy-in.


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