# Dealing with new seperation



## RScottH5973 (Mar 29, 2014)

Ok some here know the story, had post on coping with infidelity. She was investigated and finally fessed up to affair last Friday. The marriage of 17 1/2 years according to her was over ( love ya, but not in love with ya speech) the affair put me in the done part as well. But how to I get over the extreme separation anxiety now. I moved out Sunday, Monday was busy, Tuesday was sons 17th b-day and went back, he took car so had to ride in her car with her to go change things to seperate accounts, etc. Riding in her vehicle where she had been doing things with the other man was hard enough. Then we all met at restaurant (cold in-laws and all) for sons b-day. She cheated but her family now treats me like I'm the a-hole. Anyhows today slowed down. Basically sat watching t.v, well it was on but mind wasn't into it, and just feeling broken, depressed, and still asking why....how....did she care....or even think about her family during the on goings with this jerk off. I cant get my head wrapped around this, I loved this woman so much, my heart, soul, and being. She was my life, my best friend, my everything how could she do this to me? I just feel so broken!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You get over it by living one day at a time for a while.

Start making plans with friends ahead of time. 

It's usually best to not plan "family" events with a stbx. Instead she can plan her thing with the kids. And you can plan your thing. If you are divorcing you are not a family anymore with her. STart living that way.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your old post is gone, so you'll have write more about what happened.

Who is the OM? Do you know him? How long was the affair? How did you discover it?

Are you going to gym?

Are you sleeping, eating?

F' the in-laws.

Don't do anything social with your WW that hurts you. If it hurts, don't do it.


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## RScottH5973 (Mar 29, 2014)

This all started Sept 2013 with me noticing her texting and calls going through the roof. Jumped from 600-1500 a month to 3000-6000 a month. I questioned, she said always texts that much, lots of friends not knowing I see this due to I was the only one that keeps eye on data to keep bill down, mostly due to having a teenage son. I started really investigating shortly after, was also investigated by outside source. It's was all to one number, she works part time 3 nights week and delivers to him, he also has done work on her vehicle. I knew something was up but didn't put it together till it was confirmed recently, when I told her I knew she finally fessed up. The details were very vivid, I know there was more but she still denies some of it. I.E says no intercourse, just oral on her, lots of kissing, and "strong feelings for him. I have a lot more info but no need to go on bout that. At least I know the rest of her reasoning for wanting to be over is b.s. The move out was already set, but now with confirmation of affair esp from her it's easier, but harder also! I miss her but could never forgive this. But still feeling, depressed, anger, confused! Like I said love her so much how could she do this, she wrecked our family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

RScott: I know exactly how you feel. For me, Anger Management, IC, self-help books, my children, the gym, recently dating, and of course posting on TAM helped me realize that i deserve better. 

EleGirl is right...one day at a time. Own up to your contributions to the marriage (good and bad). However, don't accept responsibility for her cheating. That took me a while to grasp.

It gets better.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

RScott, I get it. It's like a knife in the back, isn't it? When I went through D Day, I was floored by the level of disrespect and betrayal that I discovered. 

Like others have said, one day at a time. Exercise. Can't say that enough...it is a great way to work out the stress, maintain your endorphin levels with the side effect of getting more fit. Find a support group, don't hole up at home, get outside as much as possible. You need to maintain some semblance of balance/control for your teen's sake.

I cut off all contact with my in-laws. I also cut off all contact with my stbx that didn't have to do with money or kids. I also moved, which for me was incredibly helpful as the distance kind of gave me a feeling of security. That isn't generally possible though.

It does get easier. Her choices were hers. The problems in the marriage came from both of you, but the choice to cheat was entirely hers. When she did that, she circumvented any chances of you working on improving the marriage. Learn from your mistakes but never accept blame on the cheating.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have just one 17 year old son?

What has his reaction been?

Who is OM?

But him on Cheaterville. Make is short and entirely factual. Do not include your stbx's name. Leave out all adjectives or adverbs that give voice to your sorrow or pain.

Hit the gym. If you are overweight, now is the time to lose it. Do you smoke? Quit. Cold turkey. Cut your alcohol consumption back to 1/4 of normal level. Alcohol is a depressant. 

Be strong for your son. You will get through this. The Cheaterville post will allow your anger an outlet.

Once you manage to move on, you will meet another woman. It can take months, even years to recover.

Has your stbxw gone through menopause? Maybe you have handed OM a time bomb that will soon go off.


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## RScottH5973 (Mar 29, 2014)

Yes I know who the om is. I've met him twice when she took me up there, he was working on her car. And have heard a lot about him, don't I feel stupid! Know his name, number, he's married and just recalled his wife runs a daycare some where in the area. Stbxw doesn't want me finding and telling his w, "why would u want to cause trouble like that" really....really! He works at a manufacturing plant and his job allows him lots of freedoms, also helps due to his job is all the way at back of complex where there is rarely any other employees back there. Outside is very poorly lit, essentially dark at night, he's night shift. 

On to me, yes I am a smoker, we both have for very long time. Lately twice as much for me. Never been that much of a drinker, last few days have thought, man I need a drink. Eating has been minimal at best, sleep is better since moving out but still not much. Feeling lonely is so overwhelming right now and it's only been 5 days since leaving. My son is a devastated but obviously doesn't know the whole story,has this hope that mom n dad will get back together. She doesn't want our friends/the rest of her family to know. This whole thing just mind numbing to me!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

First step is exposing to OMW. Do that by phone so that you speak with her. Don't send an email in case her husband is watching her account to head you off at the pass.

A 17-year-old is old enough to know about infidelity. You have to tell him. Do it together with your wife. Tell her she has no choice.

Quit smoking and exercise. This is important because you are changing your life for the better. If you want save your marriage, your wife will be very surprized by your strength. Don't tell her you are quiting. Just do it.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> First step is exposing to OMW. Do that by phone so that you speak with her. Don't send an email in case her husband is watching her account to head you off at the pass.
> 
> A 17-year-old is old enough to know about infidelity. You have to tell him. Do it together with your wife. Tell her she has no choice.
> 
> Quit smoking and exercise. This is important because you are changing your life for the better. If you want save your marriage, your wife will be very surprized by your strength. Don't tell her you are quiting. Just do it.


Agree 100% with this.


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