# Married, But Alone - Trying To Understand



## PumpkinSpice (May 10, 2018)

I’m hoping I can get some understanding of what’s happening, both with myself and my marriage. 

I’ve been married for almost 20 years. My husband is my first marriage. I am his second. We don’t have children together. He has 2 from the previous spouse. I have a son from a man I never married. 

It has been difficult being a second wife. Had I known all of what I would have to put up with and sacrifice, I wouldn’t have married my husband. 

He’s a good man, but I feel like he’ll never really love me the way I want to be loved, partly because of his previous marriage and ongoing relationship with his ex. 

At one point, I held hope that once the children were grown and with the ex being remarried things would get better between my husband and I. The only thing I see at this point is, well, emptiness. It’s like we’ve never built a life of our own together. 

The other part to this is that despite being married, I just feel so alone right now. In the space of six months, I was hospitalized, experienced numerous health issues, lost my sister, taken on caregiving of my mother, and lost my job. I’ve been back and forth to the doctor for the past 4 months for a lot of physical follow up. This is also while trying to finish my masters degree that I started in 2015.

I’m typically a resilient person. I’ve pulled through a lot in my past. I’ve been a professional for years. I’m also very good with people. I’ve done well. With everything this past year, it’s different. I hit my breaking point. I broke down crying in the doctors office and that resulted in me seeing a therapist for the first time ever in my life. I went weekly for a couple of months, but stopped due needing to put money towards other concerns. 

I’ve slowly gotten better. Mainly because I’m either going to just give up on life or somehow claw my way out of the deep hole I’m in. I know my mother at least needs me, so I need to try to do better for her. My reserves are also low and I’ve fallen behind on my bills. No one is going to save me but me.

It’s been hard because through all of this I have felt like I can’t talk to my husband. This isn’t new. I haven’t had a long deep conversation with him for a very long time, not since we married really. We can talk about general stuff, but doesn’t seem to be there when things get too deep. He’s not very emotional (unless joking, annoyed, angry). He doesn’t ask how I’m doing; he just starts talking. He’s not affectionate with me either. He doesn’t touch or kiss me. I have to ask for hugs. I get very little emotional support, no compliments, no praise. He’s quick to let me know when I forget to do something or didn’t do something right, however. Ultimately, I’ve learned not to talk to him how I really need to right now. So yes, I’m married, but alone with what I’m going through. 

He is a good person. He’s a hard worker, both employed and a military reservist. He takes care of his bills, saves money, keeps the mortgage paid. I do love him and I’ve come to understand that his love is in his providing and being responsible.

I just feel like something has always been missing. We’re together, but we aren’t together. I want to feel like my husband has my back, I can laugh in his arms, cry in his arms. I want to feel like we are in this together... maybe I want too much.

I’m just trying to understand. I’ve given up a lot to make this work. I try his interests. I try to be happy right where I am. I succeed for a while and then something seems to happen where I realize I’m probably wasting my best years. I’m 44 and not getting any younger.

I’m thinking about divorce, but until I get a job again, my head back straight, regain some self-confidence, I’m here.

I’d love to hear some outside perspectives and experience. I think I’m pretty intelligent, I admit I just don’t have a clear understanding in all of this. Just a sadness and emptiness like I’ve made a lot of bad decisions that have led me to where I am now.

Any thoughts? Anything that I may be missing? Am I doing something wrong? 

Thank you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well my thoughts can be summed up in three words. Talk to him! First of all you are not being a good spouse if you don't say how you really feel. He deserves the change to fix it. If you really are at the point where you feel like giving up on life then you need to change your situation. So many men on here post because their wife had walk away wife syndrome and never told them when they were at the questioning stage like you are. Now they are long gone emotionally and it's too late. The wives hold some responsibly in that too. 

Seriously part of you vows to him requires you to work on your marriage even if it is scary to say stuff that he might not like, it's better then the alternative. 

Here is the thing some men do not realize that some of there job is to be an emotional provider for their wives. Some men don't know how to do that, but they can learn, frankly it's in the trying. I will say also though, your husband may not be able to be your only emotional provider, that is what a good marriage supporting girlfriend can do too. Also you need to be a well rounded person with hobbies and healthy friends. So some of that is on you. 

However if you starving for intimacy then you need to tell him and see if he can provide it. The vows you made made him the only one who can, you promise to get fed only by him but then he has a responsibly to feed you. That's how it works.

You need to be a good partner have courage and tell him this. That is the right thing to do even if it doesn't work out, give him a chance to save his marriage.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Wow, you have really had a rough past few months! I am sorry you've had to go through so much and I give my condolences on the loss of your sister. I hope you are the mend for your health issues. 

You sound like a very competent woman. It could be that your H is not picking up on your need right now for comfort and support. If you have been self-sufficient in the past, he probably thinks you are self-sufficient now as well, just quieter because of all that you've had to deal with.

I agree with @sokillme; communicate with him. Write him a letter if you think it will work better, since in the past you've found it best not to let him know what you need in person. Just know that his response, whatever it is, is about him and not you. If he responds well, that is great and gives hope that the two of you can strengthen your marriage. If he doesn't respond, it signals that maybe he is just lacking the ability to empathize or put aside his ego to hear that he is not meeting your needs right now. Either way, you are communicating and contributing to your marriage.

I am about your age. At this age, I think we start to lose people and go through health issues, the job situation gets trickier. We start to realize that time is flying by. When big things in life happens, it can shake things up, and people in not-so-bad-but-not-so-great marriages decide to divorce. Hopefully with some good communication the two of you will be able to pull together. I really like the book His Needs/Her Needs on ways to strengthen a marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I agree with @RoseAglow. I would also advise you to be careful that you entreat your husband and don't come off as accusatory, even if you have right to be. Play into his need to want to take care of you. "Husband I am hurting, please help me." not "Why don't you talk to me." He may not get it at first and still be defensive, but give him a chance. Not a lifetime, but a chance. 

Marriage counseling might help. The book "His needs Her needs" is also often mentioned.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If he refuses to discuss any aspect of this with you and will not agree to Marriage Counseling(MC), then I would think that it's rather clear that this marriage has little to no hope of ever being salvaged!

In which case, you'd be far better off consulting with a good competent family law attorney to be thoroughly advised of your marital property rights!*


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## PumpkinSpice (May 10, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Well my thoughts can be summed up in three words. Talk to him! First of all you are not being a good spouse if you don't say how you really feel. He deserves the change to fix it. If you really are at the point where you feel like giving up on life then you need to change your situation. So many men on here post because their wife had walk away wife syndrome and never told them when they were at the questioning stage like you are. Now they are long gone emotionally and it's too late. The wives hold some responsibly in that too.
> 
> Seriously part of you vows to him requires you to work on your marriage even if it is scary to say stuff that he might not like, it's better then the alternative.
> 
> ...


I’m not looking for him to be my only emotional support provider. I’ve had some sort of friends all through my life that I’ve talked to about different things. Right now, I’m at a phase where many of us have drifted apart or no longer are close. It’s been one of those things where you learn who your real friends are when you’re at your lowest. Yeah, I learned well... I have a friend I can talk to, but he’s a guy. We live in different states, but we used to work together years ago. I don’t feel right talking to him too much though. I don’t believe in talking about my marriage to unmarried friends (unless they were married before). Something I was taught and learned by experience isn’t the best thing to do.

I’m learning to be content with myself. I’ve always been an avid reader, so I’ve been reading a lot of books. School kept me busy as well. I graduate in June. I redecorated some rooms in the house on a budget earlier this year. I’ve been working on my landscaping with the spring here. The hobbies I most enjoy require money, like traveling. I’d like to take up photography, but again, money required. I’m working on the employment situation now. Not keen on returning to corporate, but well, that’s what I went to school for.

I will talk to my husband and see how it goes.


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## PumpkinSpice (May 10, 2018)

RoseAglow said:


> Wow, you have really had a rough past few months! I am sorry you've had to go through so much and I give my condolences on the loss of your sister. I hope you are the mend for your health issues.
> 
> You sound like a very competent woman. It could be that your H is not picking up on your need right now for comfort and support. If you have been self-sufficient in the past, he probably thinks you are self-sufficient now as well, just quieter because of all that you've had to deal with.
> 
> ...



Thank you for the sympathy. My sister and I were close. She was hit head on in a collision by a drunk driver. Died instantly in the car. It was hard on the us, especially my Mom.

You’re right that I’ve been pretty self-sufficient for as long as my husband ha known me. We grew up without a lot, so I had to learn to take care of myself early on. I think a lot of people see me that way. I’ve never acted like I never needed anyone, but I was always the one people could count on to provide support or guidance for their problems. Maybe it’s difficult now to be seen as someone who really needs help herself.

I like to write as much as I like to read. Letters are easy. I will still try to talk to him first, maybe organize my thoughts on paper first. We’re not bad together really. We have the same fundamental values, we want the same things ultimately. We differ on the path sometimes. We can be easy going around on another and I still find him sexy. I appreciate that he’s with me.

40’s suck, lol. I don’t even look my age. People think I’m maybe late 20’s/early 30’s tops. Unfortunately, my body is letting me know the truth, but I will be okay there. As for friends, I understand now that some people won’t be in your life forever. I prefer to have a handful of true friendships then hundreds of fair weather associates. The job situation will work out. It’s just a matter of time. I have an interview next week. I’ve been applying now (I wasn’t before) and have been receiving a good amount of contact. 

I will have to check out the book you recommended as well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

PumpkinSpice said:


> I’m not looking for him to be my only emotional support provider. I’ve had some sort of friends all through my life that I’ve talked to about different things. Right now, I’m at a phase where many of us have drifted apart or no longer are close. It’s been one of those things where you learn who your real friends are when you’re at your lowest. Yeah, I learned well... I have a friend I can talk to, but he’s a guy. We live in different states, but we used to work together years ago. I don’t feel right talking to him too much though. I don’t believe in talking about my marriage to unmarried friends (unless they were married before). Something I was taught and learned by experience isn’t the best thing to do.
> 
> I’m learning to be content with myself. I’ve always been an avid reader, so I’ve been reading a lot of books. School kept me busy as well. I graduate in June. I redecorated some rooms in the house on a budget earlier this year. I’ve been working on my landscaping with the spring here. The hobbies I most enjoy require money, like traveling. I’d like to take up photography, but again, money required. I’m working on the employment situation now. Not keen on returning to corporate, but well, that’s what I went to school for.
> 
> I will talk to my husband and see how it goes.


If you had to state what you ARE looking for him what would it be?


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## just here (May 25, 2018)

I'm in no position to give anyone advice and maybe you already mentioned this but have you ever just talked to him about he's making you feel? Sometimes as a guy, we're focused on working and providing and don't know we're supposed to talk about feelings so a little redirection helps. 

Sounds like what you went through is rough on anyone....even worse when you have to go at it alone but not alone. Hope time helps.


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## joyousone75 (Oct 14, 2016)

Your post made me sad. I could feel your loneliness through your words. I think you’ve given up hope that he will change and be there for you like you need him to be. Try talking to him, be raw and real and vulnerable. Maybe y’all can go to therapy together. Maybe he doesn’t realize how alone and isolated you feel. I wish you the best and hope he is open to listening. It sounds like y’all have just adapted to living this way after all of these years. It’s not too late to make some positive changes and restore and strengthen your marriage! ❤


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

what makes me hmm?! is the when you wrote that he pays HIS bills. what does that mean in detail? is he living and caring like for himself and acts like a single or...? just trying to get a picture.

YOU need a break! slow down and breath. look out for yourself. find yourself a great church family and find support there. 
you need support like more yesterday than now!


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