# Here again after 5 years of trying......



## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

I am having an extremely difficult day, and I have no one to talk to. I was here 5 years ago when my husband told me he wanted a divorce the first time in 2012. We started going to counseling and decided to get back together in 2013. Things had been going good and he got a job offer in Minnesota about 1400 miles away from our original home in Oregon, we decided to give it a chance and move to MN where things quickly spiraled out of control, with us both experiencing depression and loneliness and trying to adjust. 3 years of being here and we are at the crossroads of divorce again, I'm quite certain it will actually happen this time. D day 2 was a week ago exactly today. He's been in my life for 19 years, it is so hard to lose that connection, he says he loves me and but he's not in love with me. I'm having a really hard time because I have no one to rely on here for support, I wish I had someone here to just give me a hug, and help motivate me to pack up my stuff so I can move back to WA State. I would love to get out of here but I have to go through all of my accumulated belongings from the last 19 years. My anxiety level is running really high today. Thank you for listening, hopefully this helps me to focus.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

By D day, do you mean he is having an affair?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> By D day, do you mean he is having an affair?




Yes..I think more information is needed as to why the marriage almost broke up five years ago and what is happening now.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think she means him announcing he doesn't love her and wants a divorce.

OP, I am sorry this happened to you. Have you not managed to fit into your new life, make friends, etc. You know that if you both split those problems will not necessarily go away, it is side that it seems to be outside influences on your marriage that is causing this tipping point.
Are you sure there is no-one else involved with your H? Is he having an affair? You hung on the last time so he probably thinks you will never leave him.

I think you should give him what he wants, this has been going on for some time, maybe time for you to get your act together, sort out your stuff and move on. Go back home to where you have family and support.
Take one day at a time and start going through your stuff first, go and see a lawyer to see your options and make a list of things to be done.


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

He very well could be. He found someone else online last time this happened, when I was having a long bout with depression after having multiple cancer deaths in our families and us having 3 miscarriages. When we separated last time I went and worked on myself went to counseling, got in better shape and found my happy again. He never really did the work, never apologized to me for having a Online EA and then meeting up with her the day he wanted a divorce the last time to scr*w. He has been leaving me here alone almost every other weekend to go fishing( or so he says) and just got back from a 2 weeks motorcycle ride on the 16th of July, where he made the decision that he didn't wanted to waste anymore time with me. This all went down when his family was in town, awkward : /. He had originally planned to talk to me after they left, but I actually confronted him and that is when he told me.


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

Yes, that is what I mean by D day- asking for a divorce day.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Sorry you're back here. Did you know this was coming? What did you both do to combat your depression? Is there anyone from WA that could come to visit you during this time?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Lostwouthim said:


> He very well could be. He found someone else online last time this happened, when I was having a long bout with depression after having multiple cancer deaths in our families and us having 3 miscarriages. When we separated last time I went and worked on myself went to counseling, got in better shape and found my happy again. He never really did the work, never apologized to me for having a Online EA and then meeting up with her the day he wanted a divorce the last time to scr*w. He has been leaving me here alone almost every other weekend to go fishing( or so he says) and just got back from a 2 weeks motorcycle ride on the 16th of July, where he made the decision that *he didn't wanted to waste anymore time with me.* This all went down when his family was in town, awkward : /. He had originally planned to talk to me after they left, but I actually confronted him and that is when he told me.


Telling you that he didn't want to waste anymore time kind of speaks to me about where his thoughts have been for awhile. Start making your own priorities... moving on won't be the end of the world. Just don't go the FWB route again or chances are that this will be a rinse and repeat similar to 2012. You'll end up no further ahead and with a definite loss... more years of your life. It has value,no?

Maybe it's time to revisit a previously stated desire and move back to your home state where you will have more support. Take care of you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just DO it. There's nothing to save here. Guaranteed he's cheating. 

What is HE waiting for though - are YOU supposed to do all the work??


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Is there a sister or a gf or someone who can come in for a visit and help you sort stuff?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry you landed back here. Sounds like you were committed to R all this time and he wasn't. Better to move on as quickly as you can -- and don't look back.


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

He's been throwing divorce in my face for years. Anytime he is mad at me, typically because I don't do something his way. 
Over the years we really have grown apart and become 2 different people. He's seeking adventure because he's running out of time, (he turned 40 in December, I turned 40 in may) I'm looking for comfort and safety. His father died before he could retire and his step father currently has prostate cancer and has not been able to retire and enjoy life. We have a lot of history, and I still care for him very much. He's always been a friend. Ugh! Question on friends: We've had a very dramatic experience with friends out here, we moved out here knowing 1 drama ridden couple. My husbands boss and my boss, his bosses wife. I have felt like I was living in hell the last 3 years since moving here because they were always ganging up on me when I chose not to hang out with them. The wife thought we were going to be best friends once we moved out here, that was not the case she was to clingy and nosy, and always trying to tell me what to do, and I felt everytime they always blamed me for not wanting to hang out all of the time. I was always *****ing to my husband that I didn't not like their dramatic life but he always seemed to take their side, or at least that is how it felt to me.Fast forward to this year and I pressed harassment against her at our workplace and then I recently got fired saying I wasn't the right fit. 
This happened within a 5 day period of him leaving to go on a 2 week dual sport motorcycle ride without me. 
I've tried to make new friends but my main place was my workplace where unfortunately there was another couple that was in the situation of us all being intertwined all the women worked together and all the men work d together, my husband didn't care to hang out with any of these people, so I rarely suggested hanging out with them. 
I've been quite stressed lately.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I am sorry you are in this difficult place, Lost. Sounds like it's been a drain on your spirit for a long time. "I love you but I'm not in love you" is wayward speak for "I'm having an affair." 

I would recommend you read a book called Love Busters. In it you will find that your husband is guilty of many behaviors that are the death knell of marriage. You must expect better from your spouse and your marriage. At this point, he is asking for a divorce, but the truth is neither of you knew how to properly live a married life. You both have a lot to learn, but he is probably entrenched in an affair and not interested in fixing your marriage. If you can verify that he's having an affair, read Surviving an Affair before Love Busters. 

Living alone in Minnesota isn't healthy for you. You need support and family. Can you move back to Washington? 

Again, sorry you are going through all this.


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

My plan is to move back to Washington. We have a house to sell and we have a realtor coming tonight to tell us if it's a good time to do that. Depending on what they say he has asked me to go through all of our stuff and get it ready to move and if we put it on the market this year, he asked if I could stay and help with repairs, etc.. I told him and don't think it's healthy for me to be here, and I'm not sure if I can stick around that long. He is trying to be amicable about splitting our belongings, and not involve a lawyer, so that we do not incur a lot of fees. I'm trying not to let things get nasty, but did I mention some things the other night and he got an attitude about who bought it and how he really paid for it, we came out here so he could make double his income that he was making 4 years ago. But we still each have credit card debt, and since I'm unemployed I have no money to save to get me home to WA. He did say he would pay for me to get home, but that would also be me leaving most of my belongings here until he can get them to me next year. I would just leave with the essentials and our 2 cats, since he does not want to be responsible for no one but himself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you have that much that your husband can't afford to rent a small moving truck for you to take your things when you leave? Once you are gone, you will have a very difficult time getting anything from him. Take what you are able to take and want to take now to make your life simpler in the long run. You will not want to keep up contact with him using the excuse of your things, you will want to move on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

At least speak to lawyers. Without a legal agreement, it's entirely possible you'll be screwed when he sells the house. Not to mention, marital debt is supposed to be divided and so are other assets. I think he wants to avoid lawyers because he's trying to screw you over, frankly. You've been married long enough that you are likely owed more than a ticket home.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MJEAN is right. 19 years of marriage is long enough for all assets to be divided 50/50. A one hour visit to a lawyer will be very worth the $100 or $200 cost. Sometimes they will give you a free consultation.

You deserve, (I hate the word deserve, but in this case it is appropriate) 50% of all assets, whether financial or physical. The debt should also be split 50%.

Are you just so broken that you just want to cut your losses and get out for your own self preservation? Can you hold on long enough to speak with an attorney and do a quick inventory of all assets (retirement, savings, stocks, etc. as well as think through what you would want of your household items) and liabilities?


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