# Advice needed over critical and controlling partner



## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

Hi this is my first post and would be grateful for any help or feedback.

7 years ago i met what appeared to be a lovely, kind caring man, he made me feel alive, loved and promised he would look after me. Anyway after being together 6 months i moved in with him, moving away from my family and grown up children with hope that i was starting a new life. He himself is divorced with grownup children as well.

Within 2 weeks we were not sleeping in the same bed, he said he was such a light sleeper that any move or noise i made kept him awake, result i ended up sleeping on a sofabed and fool that i am still sleep in seperate beds now, why, because he always insinuated that we would share a bed again eventually, but even though we have invested in new bed etc it has never been so.

I have also found that he is a hypochondriac, any aches and pains are massive, he gets scared over any feelings of ill health, yet 4 years ago i was diagnosed as diabetic and am on daily injections yet this to him is a minor thing, he only worried about my health incase it affects me working and affects our income. We don't have sex anymore as he says he has too much back pain etc. This man has been tested for diabetes, kidney problems, heart problems but all has come out clear, his main problerm is the fact hes overweight, which is my fault as i am not helping him to lose weight, even though he will buy loads of 'treats' and then say i am nagging him for doing so.

I get constantly criticised, i am always wrong, he will find fault in anything i do, he thinks its funny when i lose my temper as he loves to tese and make fun of me { will say hes only playing}, never seems interested in what i tell him. yet on the other hand he tells me he loves me every day, cuddles me and says i am the best thing that has every happened and couldnt manage without me. We have been engaged for 5 years and aprt from asking me and giving me a ring, hes never attempted to make any wedding plans and always makes excuses when i ask him or used to ask him, i dont even bother anymore.

I am now in the process of looking for another job and moving away from him, all this i am doing in secret at present, he has no idea and i feel so alone and would love to know if anyone else has been in the is situation and what they did.

Thx so much for reading x


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

bluesoul90 said:


> I am now in the process of looking for another job and moving away from him, all this i am doing in secret at present, he has no idea and i feel so alone and would love to know if anyone else has been in the is situation and what they did.


Good on you. Life's too short to be unhappy.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You are doing the right thing. Just be careful not to rush into anything in the future. You deserve to be happy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So glad to hear you'll be free to find someone who is an equal instead of being your child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You boyfriend is emotionally abusive. I'm glad that you are doing what is needed to get out. 

After the two of you investe in a new bed, are you still not sleeping in the bed? Him kicking you out of the bed is very indicative of his mind set. He doesn't offer to sleep elsewhere, instead he made you do so. 

Yes I've been in an abusive relationship and had to plan in secrecy to get out. If you need support, we can give you that herre
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You boyfriend is emotionally abusive. I'm glad that you are doing what is needed to get out.
> 
> After the two of you investe in a new bed, are you still not sleeping in the bed? Him kicking you out of the bed is very indicative of his mind set. He doesn't offer to sleep elsewhere, instead he made you do so.
> 
> ...



Hi everyone thx for your replies so far.
Elegirl, how did you get out of the relationship without him knowing? The only time i sleep in the bed is when hes not there ie, if i have been working nights


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Did you have serious conversation with him about these issues? 

I think he deserves that at the very least. Tell him that some of these things are pushing you over the edge and you are thinking about leaving if it doesn't change.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You boyfriend is emotionally abusive.


Not sure where you are getting this from....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> Not sure where you are getting this from....


Refusing sex, physical intimacy and doing nothing to fix the root cause is a profound rejection and thus emotional abuse. 

Kicking her out of their bed and making her sleep on the couch is also a huge rejection.it is her bed too.where does he get off kicking her out of her own bed? 

Constant criticism of a person is emotional abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

I have tried to talk to him many times, either he is tired, feeling low or will listen but never give any solution apart from advising me where i am going wrong :scratchhead:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Refusing sex, physical intimacy and doing nothing to fix the root cause is a profound rejection and thus emotional abuse.


I don't think so. It's lack of intimacy.



EleGirl said:


> Kicking her out of their bed and making her sleep on the couch is also a huge rejection.it is her bed too.where does he get off kicking her out of her own bed?


That's not emotional abuse, OP also has a choice to STAY in bed if she chooses to. How about telling HIM to go on the couch.



EleGirl said:


> Constant criticism of a person is emotional abuse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry, but everyone criticizes here and there. 

No where in OP's post did I sense "emotional abuse".

Forget about labeling, OP simply needs to deal with things that are troubling the relationship.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

My standard advice... time to pack up, move along. Sounds like that's exactly what you are doing. Good for you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bluesoul90 said:


> I have tried to talk to him many times, either he is tired, feeling low or will listen but never give any solution apart from advising me where i am going wrong :scratchhead:


Sounds like you gave it a whirl, time to get the hell out.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

bluesoul90 said:


> I have tried to talk to him many times, either he is tired, feeling low or will listen but never give any solution apart from advising me where i am going wrong :scratchhead:


Then you have done all you can really do. You have tried to talk to him but all he ends up doing is shifting blame and gaslighting 

I was in this situation 2 years ago. I started dating a seemingly wonderful man and a short time later, I moved in with him. I put my house on the market and sold half my furniture. Within a month, things started going really bad. I'll spare you the details but I essentially moved into another bedroom. Thankfully our schedules were such that we didn't have to see each other much. In secret, I took my house off the market and spent my weekends there getting it ready for me to move back in. Fresh paint, new carpet, cleaning service came in, got new furniture, etc. I only told him I was moving out a couple days before the movers were scheduled to come. I was not afraid of him changing my mind (he couldn't even if he tried) but I was afraid it would sink in that I was leaving and he'd sabotage my efforts or retaliate in some way. 

My advice to you would be to keep planning your exit and tell him you are leaving a couple days before you do. But you also have the right to NOT tell him either. 

If he relies on you financially to pay certain bills, I would recommend paying those for the last month you are there and then be on your way. 

I'm sorry this relationship didn't end up the way you had hoped but maybe one day you can make a go of it again. 

In my case, moving out of my ex's house was the best thing I could ever have done for myself. But I won't lie -- it was the most emotionally exhausting thing too. 

Good luck and stay the course!


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

Thx some fab advice there :smthumbup:

What i am doing at the mo is looking for another job, i work for the nhs in the uk so applying for similar jobs back where i used to live. I am being realistic and giving myself at least 3 months as need to find job, new house etc, plus hes not gonna change so knowing i'm now not there forever makes it a lot more manageable


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bluesoul90 said:


> Thx some fab advice there :smthumbup:
> 
> What i am doing at the mo is looking for another job, i work for the nhs in the uk so applying for similar jobs back where i used to live. I am being realistic and giving myself at least 3 months as need to find job, new house etc, plus hes not gonna change so knowing i'm now not there forever makes it a lot more manageable


Good for you, good luck


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bluesoul90 said:


> I have tried to talk to him many times, either he is tired, feeling low or will listen but never give any solution apart from advising me where i am going wrong :scratchhead:


Responsibility avoidance....

and any attempt at asking them to take responsibility results in deflecting, blame shifting, gaslighting, etc...

Because you are not married I would leave and read up on why you may have selected him for yourself. Take time to heal as well as not rushing into the next relationship without investigating why you picked him and how to choose better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bluesoul90 said:


> I have tried to talk to him many times, either he is tired, feeling low or will listen but never give any solution apart from advising me where i am going wrong :scratchhead:


The difference is that you would need to have boundaries over correct behavior and then consequences about what happens if he ignores your boundaries.

Now, if you're just done, then just go ahead and move. But if you want to stay with him, you owe it both of you to learn about boundaries and spend some time enforcing them.

How to Set Boundaries and Be More Assertive


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

Thanks for all your advice so far

I have applied for some jobs back home and hoping i get interviews for them. I am excited about what the future could hold but also am crapping meself at the thought of all i have to do to get there. Its not inb my nature to hurt people and i do sort of feel sorry for him when i think of how he will react when he knows i've gone, however i also know that this is the right thing for me to do, plus ive just found out that my daughter is pregnant again sooo cant wait to get back up there and be closer to her. 

one thing tho thats always puzzled me, hes never wanted or shown interest in meeting my family. Hes a dj who happily goes and plays his stuff to people who ask him, we've been as far as norway to dj and our flat is covered in posters advertising where hes djed in pthe past. But never spoken with or met my family, bar my kids once 6 years ago


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He is obviously very selfish. Apparently he is not concerned about your connection to your family. But you have also let this happen. 

Why doesn't he sleep on the coach instead of you? You two could take turns where you sleep. 

Didn't you say that you two bought a new bed? If so then it's your bed too. 

I just find this odd and somehow representative of all seems to have transpired. The level of thoughtlessness and selfishness on his part is huge.


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> He is obviously very selfish. Apparently he is not concerned about your connection to your family. But you have also let this happen.
> 
> Why doesn't he sleep on the coach instead of you? You two could take turns where you sleep.
> 
> ...


lol i agree totally, the mistake i made was feelng sorry for his constan moaning about having a bad back, trust me sleeping apart ois bliss compared to listening to that all night.
Why have i not left, well being practical i didnt have mpney or balls t leave and i did think he would change as he can be brilliant when in a happy mood!!

I also orginally thought he was shy regarding meeting people, though i now just think hes ignorant!


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

Basically i visit my family on my own, infact i do most of everything on my own :-{


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Don't even leave a phone number or forwarding address, just leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bluesoul90 said:


> lol i agree totally, the mistake i made was feelng sorry for his constan moaning about having a bad back, trust me sleeping apart ois bliss compared to listening to that all night.
> 
> Why have i not left, well being practical i didnt have mpney or balls t leave and i did think he would change as he can be brilliant when in a happy mood!!
> 
> I also orginally thought he was shy regarding meeting people, though i now just think hes ignorant!


When you leave, make sure you take the new bed with you.. even if you just dump it. Doing this would be symbolic of dumping/rejecting his selfish crap. Plus, just think of him finally being kicked out of 'his' bed. 

Has he seen a doctor for all this back pain? What has he done to try to deal with it? I'm just curious whether it's psychosomatic or real.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is your exit plan. You are job hunting near your daughter, right?

Are your finances separate from his? 
What moving and travel arrangements do you need to make?



.


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What is your exit plan. You are job hunting near your daughter, right?
> 
> Are your finances separate from his?
> What moving and travel arrangements do you need to make?
> ...


Hi i wish i coyuld take the bed but it wouldnt be possible, mainly cos its a big superking size bed that had a flatpack base, anyway i want my own new one lol.
Our finances are seperate, we halve every bill monthly which has always worked, i sm lucky that hes never been interested in what money i have as long as i pay my share.
Moving and travel is tricky, that will be the hard bit as my daughter lives about 100 miles away and i dont drive, but im not stressing too much as i am only taking clothes and personal belongings, accomodation i can sort before i move, as i am moving back to the area where i used to live and will be working which will help a lot. I hoping to have a job interview on the 27th to work in a mental health ward which is exactly what i am doing in my current job.
Looking at what ive just writted, it sounds sooo easy but i am really scared, big step to take. I know i need to do this, ive thought it out properly but i am worried and know that even though leaving will be a big relief i will feel sad for him.


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## bluesoul90 (Jun 11, 2014)

bluesoul90 said:


> Hi i wish i coyuld take the bed but it wouldnt be possible, mainly cos its a big superking size bed that had a flatpack base, anyway i want my own new one lol.
> Our finances are seperate, we halve every bill monthly which has always worked, i sm lucky that hes never been interested in what money i have as long as i pay my share.
> Moving and travel is tricky, that will be the hard bit as my daughter lives about 100 miles away and i dont drive, but im not stressing too much as i am only taking clothes and personal belongings, accomodation i can sort before i move, as i am moving back to the area where i used to live and will be working which will help a lot. I hoping to have a job interview on the 27th to work in a mental health ward which is exactly what i am doing in my current job.
> Looking at what ive just writted, it sounds sooo easy but i am really scared, big step to take. I know i need to do this, ive thought it out properly but i am worried and know that even though leaving will be a big relief i will feel sad for him.


UPDATE

I got the job which i had the interview for, am now just waiting for all the pre employment checks to go through, have my name on a housing waiting list and just need to let them know wheni hand my notice in at my current job so they can set ball rolling for me, soo all seems to be moving fast at present.
Partner still has no idea and his behaviour n attitude has mot changed since my last post, i have told him how i feel and that im not the useless, clumsy, crap at sex person he thinks i am but apart from a not very convincing sorry he still treats me the same, sad really cos if all was fine and we could sort stuff put i might have stayed but its not gonna and i dont want to be sat here in another 10 years wondering why i did not do anything x


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm glad you're moving on. He can always get his act together and come after you and change and try to woo you back. But it would never happen while you're there.


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