# Would love some opinions



## Miserable71

So last Saturday night I found out my wife of 15 years had been texting an old boyfriend on Facebook for around 3 to 4 months. I was so shocked and couldn't believe it. She admitted that they chatted 4 to 5 times a week. I feel cheated on. She says nothing is going on and he doesn't live too close to us. The other guy has been married for 21 years. She said they just chat about him his kids and his wife. She refuses to quit, which I didn't ask her to, but I did ask her for less chatting. She will not. I asked her to not chat with him for one weekend so we could talk about us. She said no.

I feel lied to and betrayed. I feel I can't trust her. What are others thoughts? We are both pretty much headed to a divorce at this time. I just want some consessions to talk less and keep me in the loop, but she won't.


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## jlg07

So, you need to decide what YOU want. 
Have you seen all of their conversations? Is there anything there to be suspicious of? Does she let you look at the conversation anytime you want?
One thing I WILL say -- she is amazingly disrespectful of YOU to do this when she KNOWS it bothers you and she even refuses to limit what she does.
The fact that she cannot go even a weekend without pinging him tells me that maybe this is more of an emotional affair, especially since it's an old flame.

You need to decide what YOU want since she won't stop. She probably feels that you will do NOTHING and just accept it. Is that what you want? Is it serious enough for you to consider ending the marriage or separating (many have done that for things like this, but it's up to you on how things are in YOUR life and your marriage in general).
If it's NOT that serious, what sort of things can YOU do for yourself -- workout, do you OWN hobbies, go out by yourself with friends, even start doing the 180?

Again, the fact that she won't stop when you have clearly told her how much it bothers you and that she won't even stop for a weekend tells me it's more than just "chatting about his wife and his kids".


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## Diana7

The thing that I see as troubling is that she refuses to stop even though you have asked her to. It seems their relationship is more important to her than your marriage.
I definitely wouldn't put up with it. She is playing with fire. 

Ask to see some of their conversations. If she refuses to show you or cries 'privacy' then you have your answer. A married couple should have no secrets like this.


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## Girl_power

Dude that’s your WIFE. Your reaction isn’t normal. If I were you, I would demand right there and then to see all their conversations. And if she refuses to show them, you know she is doing something wrong. If she says no, I would leave her.


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## Miserable71

jlg07 said:


> So, you need to decide what YOU want.
> Have you seen all of their conversations? Is there anything there to be suspicious of? Does she let you look at the conversation anytime you want?
> One thing I WILL say -- she is amazingly disrespectful of YOU to do this when she KNOWS it bothers you and she even refuses to limit what she does.
> The fact that she cannot go even a weekend without pinging him tells me that maybe this is more of an emotional affair, especially since it's an old flame.
> 
> You need to decide what YOU want since she won't stop. She probably feels that you will do NOTHING and just accept it. Is that what you want? Is it serious enough for you to consider ending the marriage or separating (many have done that for things like this, but it's up to you on how things are in YOUR life and your marriage in general).
> If it's NOT that serious, what sort of things can YOU do for yourself -- workout, do you OWN hobbies, go out by yourself with friends, even start doing the 180?
> 
> Again, the fact that she won't stop when you have clearly told her how much it bothers you and that she won't even stop for a weekend tells me it's more than just "chatting about his wife and his kids".


Thanks for the good advice. I also do ultimately feel I've been disrespected. I think I could handle her randomly from time to time chatting with him. It is the months of cover up, not reducing the chatting after my request and deflection onto me that hurts the most. I just want to be sure by other's views that I don't trash a 16 year relationship for me being jealous. She says she gets it, but offers no change to what she is doing.


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## Miserable71

Diana7 said:


> The thing that I see as troubling is that she refuses to stop even though you have asked her to. It seems their relationship is more important to her than your marriage.
> I definitely wouldn't put up with it. She is playing with fire.
> 
> Ask to see some of their conversations. If she refuses to show you or cries 'privacy' then you have your answer. A married couple should have no secrets like this.


I agree with you completely. She tells me I'm being controlling and over reacting. This is my second marriage. My first lasted 8 years with her cheating on me two times. I want to be sure I'm not being exactly what she says.


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## Miserable71

Girl_power said:


> Dude that’s your WIFE. Your reaction isn’t normal. If I were you, I would demand right there and then to see all their conversations. And if she refuses to show them, you know she is doing something wrong. If she says no, I would leave her.


She deleted them all..... I can't see them. She has shown me three since I found out. They were talking about just what she said they do
.....


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## bobert

Miserable71 said:


> She deleted them all..... I can't see them.


And that tells you everything you need to know.


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## Miserable71

bobert said:


> And that tells you everything you need to know.


I agree but she does normally delete her face book messages..... They just keep appending to the end of the previous which is annoying. She has other female friends that I know and their husband's well and she deletes those too. I'm not saying there might have been bad stuff in those she deleted but that is in the normal character of her whether I like it or not


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## Girl_power

Well she broke your trust by deleting them. And as someone who broke their husband’s trust... she doesn’t seem at all sorry, or worried. So she must feel like she has the upper hand in the relationship, or she knows you won’t leave her, or maybe she had a plan B on the side. 

My point is... when you love and value someone, you would do what it takes not to lose them. She doesn’t seem like she had a care In the world about losing you. She is disrespecting you to your face, and telling you How it’s going to be.


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## Miserable71

Girl_power said:


> Well she broke your trust by deleting them. And as someone who broke their husband’s trust... she doesn’t seem at all sorry, or worried. So she must feel like she has the upper hand in the relationship, or she knows you won’t leave her, or maybe she had a plan B on the side.
> 
> My point is... when you love and value someone, you would do what it takes not to lose them. She doesn’t seem like she had a care In the world about losing you. She is disrespecting you to your face, and telling you How it’s going to be.


Wow.... So many comments from your post on exactly how I feel. She talks occasionally to other old friends but I knew about them and didn't mind. She said she didn't tell me about talking to him since he was an ex and she figured it would be an issue. Limited talking would have been OK if I had known. I don't think of myself as being controlling. Not sure what she is thinking on I would not leave her. She knew my previous marriage ended due to infidelity. This isn't physical, but to me is emotional. She acted so guilty up front with what I feel are red flags. I just don't want to throw a 16 year relationship away cause my previous marriage ended in infidelity and I'm sensitive to that. I so appreciate everyone's comments. I do love her, but will move on if it's not right.


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## Girl_power

Miserable71 said:


> Wow.... So many comments from your post on exactly how I feel. She talks occasionally to other old friends but I knew about them and didn't mind. She said she didn't tell me about talking to him since he was an ex and she figured it would be an issue. Limited talking would have been OK if I had known. I don't think of myself as being controlling. Not sure what she is thinking on I would not leave her. She knew my previous marriage ended due to infidelity. This isn't physical, but to me is emotional. She acted so guilty up front with what I feel are red flags. I just don't want to throw a 16 year relationship away cause my previous marriage ended in infidelity and I'm sensitive to that. I so appreciate everyone's comments. I do love her, but will move on if it's not right.


I get that. She should be more understanding and caring about your feelings and what happened to you in the past. She just sounds like she is going to do what she wants to do and she doesn’t care your opinion about it. Which is why she didn’t tell you in a be first place. 

I don’t know where to go from here. The fact that she doesn’t care how you feel is an issue for me.


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## Miserable71

Another question I would like thoughts on. If she does agree to quit talking to him.... How have people found to regain trust? Is it possible? She does use her phone for work and has a lot of outside of usual business hours use to text. It is within fairly decent hours and no extremes like past 10 at night. I know I'll probably drive her crazy asking who she is texting. But it will take some time for me to trust her.


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## jlg07

Completely open with her email, her phone, etc.
If you ask for it, she hands it over RIGHT AWAY. If she takes a phone call, NO walking in to another room.
Turning ON her location finder on her phone, etc.

In all fairness, with her attitude here, I'm not sure I would be able to trust her again. SHe'd have to go to individual counseling to figure out WHY she felt like it was ok to do this and why she felt so entitled and dismissive of you and your marriage.

'She said she didn't tell me about talking to him since he was an ex and she figured it would be an issue. "
This is because SHE KNEW what she was doing was WRONG and didn't want you to interfere with her fun.
LOOK and THINK about what her attitude towards you is with this -- basically, tough crap, I'm going to do what I want even if it hurts you and you aren't going to do anthing about it.
Is THAT the sign of a loving wife who treasures her marriage? YOU would not be throwing away a marriage of 16 years -- SHE is the one that did this.


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## sokillme

Miserable71 said:


> Another question I would like thoughts on. If she does agree to quit talking to him.... How have people found to regain trust? Is it possible? She does use her phone for work and has a lot of outside of usual business hours use to text. It is within fairly decent hours and no extremes like past 10 at night. I know I'll probably drive her crazy asking who she is texting. But it will take some time for me to trust her.


Dude you got to start emotionally separating from your wife. She is probably having an emotional affair. You need to get strong quick. So far over and over she picked this man over her marriage.


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## Laurentium

jlg07 said:


> SHe'd have to go to individual counseling to figure out WHY she felt like it was ok to do this and why she felt so entitled and dismissive of you and your marriage.


I agree with everything else you are saying. But the above is one piece of advice I don't agree with. I know I've said this before. If she goes to IC (individual counseling) then you have no idea what she's telling the counselor, how she might be justifying or spinning it. You dont know what's going on in there. On the other hand, if she is being honest and remorseful, you don't get the benefit of seeing it, which is what you need. Either way, it works better if the betrayed partner is present (and doesn't say too much).


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## Laurentium

Miserable71 said:


> How have people found to regain trust? Is it possible? .... But it will take some time for me to trust her.


Time alone doesn't heal this. 

You might be able to regain trust if you see that she fully, emotionally, understands and regrets the effects of what she has done. If, on the other hand, she remains defiant or concealing, you won't ever feel trust.


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## She'sStillGotIt

*


Miserable71 said:



So last Saturday night I found out my wife of 15 years had been texting an old boyfriend on Facebook for around 3 to 4 months. I was so shocked and couldn't believe it. She admitted that they chatted 4 to 5 times a week. I feel cheated on. She says nothing is going on and he doesn't live too close to us.

Click to expand...

*LOL..."nothing is going on" yet the *liar* felt the need to HIDE it from you for 4 months. Ain't she a peach?

*



The other guy has been married for 21 years. She said they just chat about him his kids and his wife.

Click to expand...

*Yes, when you're *strictly* talking about how much you love your family and how wonderful your spouse is, I can understand why you'd need to keep *that* a secret. 🙄



> *She refuses to quit, which I didn't ask her to, but I did ask her for less chatting. She will not. I asked her to not chat with him for one weekend so we could talk about us. She said no.*


Not gonna lie to you. You are so completely passive and afraid to stand up for yourself that your wife has absolutely ZERO respect for you at this point.

*



I feel lied to and betrayed. I feel I can't trust her. What are others thoughts? We are both pretty much headed to a divorce at this time. I just want some consessions to talk less and keep me in the loop, but she won't.

Click to expand...

*If you're divorcing, then get on it instead of begging her to respect you and "keep you in the loop." What "loop" are you looking to be kept in, anyway? She *DOESN'T* respect you.



> *She deleted them all..... I can't see them. She has shown me three since I found out. They were talking about just what she said they do *


Gosh. I'm* so* surprised to hear that...ya know, since _all _they talk about is his loving family and loving spouse. Why that is just *such* a conundrum how these messages all keep mysteriously disappearing. Maybe it's Covid-related. 🙄

*



Another question I would like thoughts on. If she does agree to quit talking to him.... How have people found to regain trust? Is it possible?

Click to expand...

*You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of this disrespectful woman suddenly showing you a shred of decency and actually REALLY cutting this guy off at the knees. Like most sleazy liars, she may very well claim that she's no longer talking to him just to shut you up. But she and Romeo will just find *anothe*r method to stay in contact to continue their romance right under your nose, just like they've BEEN doing for the last 4 months. Except now, they'll just use What'sApp or Kik or any of the other endless apps out there to chat and text that you won't know about and therefore can't monitor.

Happy happy, joy joy!

So to answer your question, you can't regain trust with a disrespectful liar. Sadly, like most newly betrayed spouses, because you want to stay with her, you'll slowly delude yourself into a false state of security over time .. until you catch her again.


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## Divinely Favored

Miserable71 said:


> She deleted them all..... I can't see them. She has shown me three since I found out. They were talking about just what she said they do
> .....


Take her phone and recover the texts. Call his wife and explain what is going on.


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## Blondilocks

You need to notify the guy's wife. Tell her that her husband is talking about her to your wife and you thought she would want to know.


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## aine

Start texting an old girlfriend, give her some of her own medicine. Your wife is not only disrespectful but cares little for your feelings. Could u contact the OM’s wife and let her know? I’m sure she wouldn’t be pleased about this weekly texting.


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## .339971

That isn't cool. But now you know what you need to know since she's chosen to delete them instead of sharing them with you. And regaining trust of any kind depending on the circumstances is sometimes next to impossible. Personally, for me, I'd say that once that trust has been broken, it's over. Trust isn't easy to come by and even harder to regain but that isn't to say that it can't be done.


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## Kamstel2

Have you told the OM’s wife about the chatting? 

Tell her that your wife refuses to stop the chats and you believe that you are heading towards a divorce over it.


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## Miserable71

Divinely Favored said:


> Take her phone and recover the texts. Call his wife and explain what is going on.


I call them texts, but they weren't. She was using Facebook Messenger which is encrypted and also doesn't show up on our phone bill either since it is just data usage.


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## Spicy

Plunk down on the couch next to her and start chatting on FB with the hottest girl you knew from school.


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## Miserable71

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL..."nothing is going on" yet the *liar* felt the need to HIDE it from you for 4 months. Ain't she a peach?
> 
> 
> Yes, when you're *strictly* talking about how much you love your family and how wonderful your spouse is, I can understand why you'd need to keep *that* a secret. 🙄
> 
> 
> Not gonna lie to you. You are so completely passive and afraid to stand up for yourself that your wife has absolutely ZERO respect for you at this point.
> 
> 
> If you're divorcing, then get on it instead of begging her to respect you and "keep you in the loop." What "loop" are you looking to be kept in, anyway? She *DOESN'T* respect you.
> 
> 
> Gosh. I'm* so* surprised to hear that...ya know, since _all _they talk about is his loving family and loving spouse. Why that is just *such* a conundrum how these messages all keep mysteriously disappearing. Maybe it's Covid-related. 🙄
> 
> 
> You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of this disrespectful woman suddenly showing you a shred of decency and actually REALLY cutting this guy off at the knees. Like most sleazy liars, she may very well claim that she's no longer talking to him just to shut you up. But she and Romeo will just find *anothe*r method to stay in contact to continue their romance right under your nose, just like they've BEEN doing for the last 4 months. Except now, they'll just use What'sApp or Kik or any of the other endless apps out there to chat and text that you won't know about and therefore can't monitor.
> 
> Happy happy, joy joy!
> 
> So to answer your question, you can't regain trust with a disrespectful liar. Sadly, like most newly betrayed spouses, because you want to stay with her, you'll slowly delude yourself into a false state of security over time .. until you catch her again.


I agree with your logic on many of your comments. Everything she has done makes her look guilty regardless of it it is just small talk or not. Had she been honest upfront that he had reached out to her AND they chatted way less than they do now, I would have been ok with it. Up until now, I have trusted her and she has been honest anytime I ever checked behind her. Thanks for being blunt on me being too passive and afraid to stand up. I was at first, but I've laid down what I need done moving forward if this is to work. The burden will be on her to regain my trust and it definitely concerns me that maybe that can't even be done. But I do care for her and after 16 years would probably attempt to give it one try. If she keeps on doing it, she will get caught at some point. I have told her we can just get a divorce if she is not sure that I am the one she wants. I absolutely have told her I will not be #2. Many will probably say I shouldn't give her this second chance and I'm an idiot, but I do believe up until now she has been 100% honest and faithful to me until this even 3-4 months ago. If she fools me the 2nd time, I understand that it is one me......but whether you believe in God, karma, or whatever, I think it will be repaid.


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## Livvie

I'd be initiating divorce over this, not only for the continued contact with another man, but mainly for the attitude about it.

Some people have a high tolerance for this kind of stuff in a partner. Apparently you are one of them.


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## Girl_power

Miserable71 said:


> I agree with your logic on many of your comments. Everything she has done makes her look guilty regardless of it it is just small talk or not. Had she been honest upfront that he had reached out to her AND they chatted way less than they do now, I would have been ok with it. Up until now, I have trusted her and she has been honest anytime I ever checked behind her. Thanks for being blunt on me being too passive and afraid to stand up. I was at first, but I've laid down what I need done moving forward if this is to work. The burden will be on her to regain my trust and it definitely concerns me that maybe that can't even be done. But I do care for her and after 16 years would probably attempt to give it one try. If she keeps on doing it, she will get caught at some point. I have told her we can just get a divorce if she is not sure that I am the one she wants. I absolutely have told her I will not be #2. Many will probably say I shouldn't give her this second chance and I'm an idiot, but I do believe up until now she has been 100% honest and faithful to me until this even 3-4 months ago. If she fools me the 2nd time, I understand that it is one me......but whether you believe in God, karma, or whatever, I think it will be repaid.


So does that mean she said she will stop talking to him? Or does that mean basically she is going to keep doing what she has always done and if she gets caught again you will divorce her?


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## Diana7

Miserable71 said:


> Wow.... So many comments from your post on exactly how I feel. She talks occasionally to other old friends but I knew about them and didn't mind. She said she didn't tell me about talking to him since he was an ex and she figured it would be an issue. Limited talking would have been OK if I had known. I don't think of myself as being controlling. Not sure what she is thinking on I would not leave her. She knew my previous marriage ended due to infidelity. This isn't physical, but to me is emotional. She acted so guilty up front with what I feel are red flags. I just don't want to throw a 16 year relationship away cause my previous marriage ended in infidelity and I'm sensitive to that. I so appreciate everyone's comments. I do love her, but will move on if it's not right.


So basically she knew that you wouldnt like it but did it anyway.


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## jlg07

And told you she would CONTINUE to do it, disregarding your feelings completely.
How are you going to make sure she has stopped? Has she given you her FB password? If not, then you will NEVER know.


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## Evinrude58

Miserable71 said:


> She deleted them all..... I can't see them. She has shown me three since I found out. They were talking about just what she said they do
> .....


Ok, here’s the thing. It is hard as hell to divorce and start over. It’s heartbreaking. But you’ve been through it before do you know.
My opinion, I’d go see a lawyer tomorrow. I’d divorce her with no further discussion. Why?
Because she’s deleting conversations with an old boyfriend and you have asked her to stop but she refuses.
There’s nothing further to discuss.
Divorce her. I really would. She doesn’t love you. And I would do whatever I could to get proof and then I’d blow up this guys marriage because that’s what he did to yours, by simply showing this guy’s wife the number of texts, the frequency, and preferably the content. Your wife is lying about what they are talking about. Plain and simple. And distance doesn’t matter, she will screw him when she wants to bad enough. Likely already has. Who cares? Her desire to talk to an old boyfriend apparently trumps your feelings. I’d Trump their relationship with the ace of ♠ divorce.
She’s not marriage material.


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## maree

I think you are minimizing this out of fear with your latest response. Basically you will forgive her as long as you don't see her talking to him... but the thing is, she will take this further underground. You are her #2 if she is willing to lose you over a man she used to date and has now reconnected with for the last 4 months. Does she really love you? 

I would serve her papers and tell her to sign them unless she agrees to give a no contact letter to the ex, as well as give you full transparency and access to her conversations. Otherwise she can sign away. If she still chooses him then you are definitely #2 on her list and your marriage is done for.


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## Miserable71

maree said:


> I think you are minimizing this out of fear with your latest response. Basically you will forgive her as long as you don't see her talking to him... but the thing is, she will take this further underground. You are her #2 if she is willing to lose you over a man she used to date and has now reconnected with for the last 4 months. Does she really love you?
> 
> I would serve her papers and tell her to sign them unless she agrees to give a no contact letter to the ex, as well as give you full transparency and access to her conversations. Otherwise she can sign away. If she still chooses him then you are definitely #2 on her list and your marriage is done for.


It isn't fear, but love as I do love her, but maybe everyone is steering me in the right direction. The is no repair, no fix, and no marriage after 16 years.

I appreciate each and everyone of you that commented and gave me advice. I'd gather that many of you have been in my shores before and know how this truly feels. Again Thanks!


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## VladDracul

Miserable my man, the only reason she's texting the guy is because she interested in him. She tells you to pound sand because the joy she get out of conversing with him, and that joy is more important to her than your peace of mind. I don't think you're jealous Dawg. You just don't want another guy banging your wife, nor do you her fantasizing about him the next time she's doing the cowgirl with you. Call it what you want, but you need to let her know her fraternizing with this cat is a deal breaker.


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## SunCMars

Girl_power said:


> Dude that’s your WIFE. Your reaction isn’t normal. If I were you, I would demand right there and then to see all their conversations. And if she refuses to show them, you know she is doing something wrong. If she says no, I would leave her.


If she refuses to comply when he asks nicely, what difference will it make when he *bellows and demands* that she stops.

She will, again say, "no".

She has made up her mind on this talking.Mr. Miserable, circa 1971.

Ask her to leave.


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## Openminded

She doesn’t respect you. And she’s made that very clear. Many in your situation wouldn’t stay. Only you know if you can.


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## sunsetmist

How did you discover this? Who contacted whom first? Were y'all having trouble when this started? Has she been disrespectful to you before? Who usually gives in?

Are you 'controlling' or is she? What started as discussing old times grew to discussing today, then discussing issues and frustrations and now is likely an EA. But you love her and want to resolve the conundrum. Did you tell her this specifically? Does she say she loves, respects you? How is/was your sex life?

Sounds like she has drawn a line and your feelings are not important enough period? Is she looking for an excuse? IMO: you are not overreacting because 1) she kept this a secret--how you would react is not a good answer choice. Does she keep you in the dark often? Have secrets? 2) He is an Ex, AND 4-5 times a week is excessive. 3) She is likely discussing personal, relationship info as well. 4) If his wife does not know (you must find out), your wife's disrespect is growing exponentially. 

Have y'all discussed trust? Do not let this become a debate where neither of you is listening to each other.


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## Miserable71

sunsetmist said:


> How did you discover this? Who contacted whom first? Were y'all having trouble when this started? Has she been disrespectful to you before? Who usually gives in?
> 
> Are you 'controlling' or is she? What started as discussing old times grew to discussing today, then discussing issues and frustrations and now is likely an EA. But you love her and want to resolve the conundrum. Did you tell her this specifically? Does she say she loves, respects you? How is/was your sex life?
> 
> Sounds like she has drawn a line and your feelings are not important enough period? Is she looking for an excuse? IMO: you are not overreacting because 1) she kept this a secret--how you would react is not a good answer choice. Does she keep you in the dark often? Have secrets? 2) He is an Ex, AND 4-5 times a week is excessive. 3) She is likely discussing personal, relationship info as well. 4) If his wife does not know (you must find out), your wife's disrespect is growing exponentially.
> 
> Have y'all discussed trust? Do not let this become a debate where neither of you is listening to each other.


She admitted it to me two Saturday nights ago when I asked who she was talking to. The other guy contacted her. We were not having problems. She claims it was no big deal that they were talking that much and said she thought our marriage was great until I found out they were talking and it all blew up. She has never done anything like this before in all the 16 years we've been together. We rarely fight, so really no one is having to give in usually. Neither of us is controlling. We have always trusted each other and we neither have placed out self in a situation where there would be any questions. She has finally admitted that she really enjoys talking with him, but nothing is going on. She tells me she doesn't want him or to be with him or him be with her, they just talk about mundane stuff. (Little condolence for my feelings though). I do love her and want to resolve this, but I won't be a fool that is played or her #2. Sex life was regular and good.

I do agree, that I've now drawn a line in the sand for her to stop talking to him. She said she doesn't know if she can. EVEN if that means I'll walk and divorce her. She said she will prove me wrong and in 5 years from now or whenever I will see she won't be with him and that they were just friends. All this makes no logical sense........An ex she hasn't talked to in almost 27 years, she talks to for 3-4 months, and now she will let me walk so she can just be friends with him........

She and I have talked a lot about all of this over this weekend. The first week she was absolutely defiant she would not change a thing and she did nothing wrong. She now is saying she understands she was wrong and that all of this is 100% her fault. She still says she doesn't know if she is willing to stop talking to him though. I can't live with that though.


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## midatlanticdad

Miserable71 said:


> She admitted it to me two Saturday nights ago when I asked who she was talking to. The other guy contacted her. We were not having problems. She claims it was no big deal that they were talking that much and said she thought our marriage was great until I found out they were talking and it all blew up. She has never done anything like this before in all the 16 years we've been together. We rarely fight, so really no one is having to give in usually. Neither of us is controlling. We have always trusted each other and we neither have placed out self in a situation where there would be any questions. She has finally admitted that she really enjoys talking with him, but nothing is going on. She tells me she doesn't want him or to be with him or him be with her, they just talk about mundane stuff. (Little condolence for my feelings though). I do love her and want to resolve this, but I won't be a fool that is played or her #2. Sex life was regular and good.
> 
> I do agree, that I've now drawn a line in the sand for her to stop talking to him. She said she doesn't know if she can. EVEN if that means I'll walk and divorce her. She said she will prove me wrong and in 5 years from now or whenever I will see she won't be with him and that they were just friends. All this makes no logical sense........An ex she hasn't talked to in almost 27 years, she talks to for 3-4 months, and now she will let me walk so she can just be friends with him........
> 
> She and I have talked a lot about all of this over this weekend. The first week she was absolutely defiant she would not change a thing and she did nothing wrong. She now is saying she understands she was wrong and that all of this is 100% her fault. She still says she doesn't know if she is willing to stop talking to him though. I can't live with that though.


have u considered speaking w his wife


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## Miserable71

Not really.... That is not my style..... In time she will find out. Just might be longer than the 3-4 months that it took for me.


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## Miserable71

midatlanticdad said:


> have u considered speaking w his wife


Not really... That is not my style. I have no doubts that she will find out at some point. Stuff like that had a way to be found.


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## Spicy

Miserable71 said:


> Not really... That is not my style. I have no doubts that she will find out at some point. Stuff like that had a way to be found.


That would be the quickest way to shut this down. DM his wife and tell her exactly what is going on. As important as you feel it is for you to know this was going on behind your back, it is just as important she know what her husband is doing.


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## shortbus

Yes, the other spouse needs to know.
Affected parties need to be able to make informed decisions.


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## Miserable71

shortbus said:


> Yes, the other spouse needs to know.
> Affected parties need to be able to make informed decisions.


I agree but I don't have any means to contact her anyway. I don't have our use Facebook or know her name. She will just have to find out by catching him.


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## Evinrude58

Just so you know, she is lying to you about what they talk about and that ya why the texts are deleted.

she’d let you walk over taking to her ex bf, and won’t stop? Don’t walk.
*RUN*


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## Openminded

You want her to stop. She doesn’t want to. So now what?


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## jlg07

Miserable71 said:


> She said she doesn't know if she can. EVEN if that means I'll walk and divorce her.


What does this tell you?? She is DEEP into her affair with this guy. HE is more important to her than YOU.



Miserable71 said:


> She said she will prove me wrong and in 5 years from now or whenever I will see she won't be with him and that they were just friends.


At this rate, there will not BE another 5 years, much less another 5 months. If she keeps this up, hopefully 5 years from now, she will be nothing but a memory.

YOU need to decide here -- if you have that line in the sand, she has already told you that she stepped over it and doesn't care what you think.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU???
It tells ME (and I'm sure many others here) that she is having a full blown emotional affair and it's not just "talking about his kids" stuff they are discussing.

Look YOU need to determine what is ok FOR YOU, NOT for her. If this is passed what you can deal with, then YOU need to take action. Sometimes receiving divorce papers is enough to jar them from their affair fog. One thing to be clear here -- if you DO decide to try the "I'm divorcing you" path, you need to be clear in your own head that you can and WILL follow through if she doesn't stop. At that point, telling HER family and your friends why you are divorcing will make sure that she can't re-write your marital history and blame YOU as the bad guy.


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## sunsetmist

Miserable71 said:


> Not really.... That is not my style..... In time she will find out. Just might be longer than the 3-4 months that it took for me.


Since according to your wife it is not a big deal, just ask her to ask Ex to have his wife call you to assure you this is completely innocent. Should be no conflict in that? Her response is important. Also she needs to know you are strong in your intentions.


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## Beach123

If she isn’t willing to put you as her top priority - there really isn’t a marriage.

she’s disrespecting and disregarding your feelings. I wouldn’t be capable of living with someone like that.


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## MattMatt

Once she starts messaging other men and will not stop, that's the slippery slope to physical infidelity.


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## Luminous

Leopards... Spots...

Im sure there is a theme for this...


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## notmyjamie

If she is telling you that she is willing to give up a 16 year marriage for a guy she's been messaging 3-4 months, you are already number 2 in her head. He is giving her something you aren't. It might be that she is the type that needs that validation that she's worth something and she can't get that from an established relationship so she's looking outside the relationship for it. This is how affairs start...and she's already in one.. 

It's time to do the 180 on her...or just walk the hell away and divorce. If he's so awesome that she can't give him up, show her what life without you will be like. I bet it won't be as good as she thinks it will. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's total BS.


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## Rob_1

Miserable71 said:


> It isn't fear, but love as I do love her


Dude: what love got to do with anything. The problem you're talking is not about your love for her, but her showing you how little love and respect for you she has. It looks like you're trying anything to do the RAAC thing (reconciliation at all cost). You are trying to rationalize behavior that does not need rationalization in order to get her to stay with you. Screw that man, you spoke enough already. It's time for action, not pow-wows, where you keep getting the same response. Hit her with divorce papers already! what are you waiting for. If you are going to continue putting up with her disrespect, then what are you complaining about? just stop, put-up, and shut up.


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## Nailhead

Miserable71 said:


> She deleted them all..... I can't see them. She has shown me three since I found out. They were talking about just what she said they do
> .....


They are called XBF or XGF for a damn reason. Contact your XGF and start chatting. Let your W know you are doing it, will not stop and the conversations are all about kids,etc. See how it goes.


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## Nailhead

Miserable71 said:


> Another question I would like thoughts on. If she does agree to quit talking to him.... How have people found to regain trust? Is it possible? She does use her phone for work and has a lot of outside of usual business hours use to text. It is within fairly decent hours and no extremes like past 10 at night. I know I'll probably drive her crazy asking who she is texting. But it will take some time for me to trust her.


All electronic devices can be inspected when you like. All PW are to be provided. Check you phone bill for over-excessive texting/calling to one number or several.


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## Divinely Favored

Miserable71 said:


> I agree but I don't have any means to contact her anyway. I don't have our use Facebook or know her name. She will just have to find out by catching him.


It is called get your azz on facebook and find out. Simple enough. She may not find out until it is way too late. I think you are scared of your wife getting pissy if guys wife makes him shut it down.


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## Evinrude58

Divinely Favored said:


> It is called get your azz on facebook and find out. Simple enough. She may not find out until it is way too late. I think you are scared of your wife getting pissy if guys wife makes him shut it down.


That’s exactly what it is. OP is scared to death his blatantly cheating wife is going to fly the coop if he puts any heat on her. Weakness will not work in this situation. Allowing her to falsely say that you are controlling.... laughable.
Let her text away. Just don’t pretend that you don’t think she wants to have sex with the guy, don’t pretend she actually cares about you. She’s telling you that she will divorce you, and rubbing your face in it. She’s not stopping. So what is your response?

If you have any hope of remaining married long term, you will have to deliver a crushing response to your wife. I don’t mean talking to her. I mean divorcing her, telling her parents and people she respects what she is doing—- all at once via text or email, telling the OM’s wife (hoping she will do what you don’t have the strength for).

Go nuclear. Anything else is absolutely nothing but you giving her a free pass to have romantic, sexual relationships with other men.

Your wife has pushed you to the point you have no choice.

what does that tell you?


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## jlg07

Also, if you can't find out the wife's info, it may be worth spending a few $$ for a PI to find out for you. You know the guys name, and where he lives (roughly??). You know his FB id, so....


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## Openminded

She has zero respect for you at this point.


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## Miserable71

Well she did show me where she stopped talking to him and told him that she can never talk to him again. She also showed me that she unfriended him. We talked and I posed the question that had he been single would she had staid with me. She said she didn't know. 

I could have forgiven her. I might could have rebuilt trust, but I can't stay knowing if he ever came back around and was single she would likely leave with him. 

We will be filling out uncontested divorce papers to file next week. 

Thanks to all the input. I just know if rather die alone one day when I'm old than settle for this big mess.


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## midatlanticdad

Miserable71 said:


> Well she did show me where she stopped talking to him and told him that she can never talk to him again. She also showed me that she unfriended him. We talked and I posed the question that had he been single would she had staid with me. She said she didn't know.
> 
> I could have forgiven her. I might could have rebuilt trust, but I can't stay knowing if he ever came back around and was single she would likely leave with him.
> 
> We will be filling out uncontested divorce papers to file next week.
> 
> Thanks to all the input. I just know if rather die alone one day when I'm old than settle for this big mess.


i know that's a painful place to come to, and not what you want, but likely the only option you have to retain your sanity and not be haunted by this forever. I have a similar situation


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## leftfield

Miserable71 said:


> Well she did show me where she stopped talking to him and told him that she can never talk to him again. She also showed me that she unfriended him. *We talked and I posed the question that had he been single would she had staid with me. She said she didn't know.*
> 
> I could have forgiven her. I might could have rebuilt trust, but I can't stay knowing if he ever came back around and was single she would likely leave with him.
> 
> We will be filling out uncontested divorce papers to file next week.
> 
> Thanks to all the input. I just know if rather die alone one day when I'm old than settle for this big mess.


At least she was honest. Which gives you the chance to make the right decision for you.


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## Openminded

Oh, she knows she would have left to be with him. She just didn’t want to tell you that. Looks bad, etc.

You made the right decision.


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## Evinrude58

What you have with her——- no man with self respect wouid have accepted.
Clearly you DO. Good luck, although you won’t need it.


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## GirlBetrayed

Miserable71 said:


> She refuses to quit, which I didn't ask her to, but I did ask her for less chatting. She will not. I asked her to not chat with him for one weekend so we could talk about us. She said no.


Q a
If you are uncomfortable with something she is doing, it’s a reasonable request (it definitely is!!) and she is unwilling to respect that, then she is out of line, and likely in an emotional affair. She is getting something from him that she’s not getting from you (affairs are often addictions, so you literally CAN’T give her the high an affair provides.) I would give her an ultimatum and stick by it. If you want the marriage to be saved, then you need therapy and a long talk. It doesn’t seem like she wants the marriage, which means he is likely making her promises of a relationship at some point.


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## manfromlamancha

Sorry that you are in this situation. Your wife has actually showed/told you some clear truths about what is going on. Here they are:


She is going through some stage/crisis where she wants to flirt and check out what is out there - that is the purpose of her Facebook and messaging apps. So far she may not have found anyone that she fancied until him. Pure and simple. So she jumped at the chance to start and progress the conversations. That it could evolve into more, did not phase her in the slightest. This ex is somebody she is attracted to and has more or less told you that by saying if he was single, she does not know if she would have stayed with you. 


She did not tell you about him as opposed to the others she speaks with on Facebook or messaging because she fancied him and thought that you might kick up a fuss - especially since he is an ex and he has been with her before. She has made that clear to you too.


At this stage in your marriage, she cares only for herself - not you. What's more, she definitely does not respect you and made that clear by completely ignoring your requests for her to stop. The only reason she showed you her "break up messages" to him was to get you off her back. They have simply taken it under ground and she is preparing to make her next move (except that you made it for her - good on you).


Now that you see the truths clearly and know what you are dealing with here, plan your divorce carefully. Protect your assets. Get an attorney. I am not sure if young kids are involved here, but if so, protect your custody rights. And if you can, find out more about the POS and especially who is wife is. Be ready to use this when the time is right. 

From now stay vigilant and keep investigating. What you need before exposing this POS is proof that they started up again. When you have that, the time is right to contact the other betrayed spouse.

What was her reaction to your divorce initiation? Was she expecting it, accepting of it, what?
And how did she get away with telling you if he were single she did not know if she would stay with you? Did she not offer any explanation to that extraordinary and outrageous admission? Or did you agree on divorce after she made that comment? Still, how did she explain herself?


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## SunCMars

M-71

Just know that there are plenty more where this one came from.
Others, loyal, not cheaters.


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## Buffer

Strength brother she chose this. 
One day at a time 
Buffer


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## Katiebird

Sounds familiar. My husband did the same thing and then they started talking by text and phone. Long story short - we are no longer married. That was just the nail in the coffin.


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## SunCMars

We hate others for their selfish ways.
We often hate ourselves for not responding, in kind.

Being selfish, while unfortunate, is natural.
Being forgiving of the selfish, is said to be rare and selfless.

Being selfless is that vacuous mindset needing filling.
Being selfish, they naturally offer up that drying desiccant filling.


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## MattMatt

She knows her ex, she knew how to get him to react. Which buttons to press etc.

She might have been using him as a test subject in order to check out her cheating potential.


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## oldshirt

Miserable71 said:


> Well she did show me where she stopped talking to him and told him that she can never talk to him again. She also showed me that she unfriended him. We talked and I posed the question that had he been single would she had staid with me. She said she didn't know.
> 
> .


I guarantee you they have established another channel of communication and they had arranged beforehand that she would be telling him she wouldn't talk to him and unfriending him on Facebook. 

You do realize it takes about a minute or so to set up another email account or another Facebook account right? There are also phone apps that automatically delete messages almost immediately after being read. 

Do some legitimate investigating and you will find that they are still in contact.


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## oldshirt

Let's take a look at the bigger picture here. 

If she will do this with some ex that lives far away and if she will treat you this way and blatantly disregard you to your face over some guy on Facebook - what will she do with some tall, handsome, charming dude at the gym or at work or at the bar when she is out on some GNO?

Is her ex Channing Tatum or Ashton Kutcher or something? Is he God's gift to women or something? 

At it's core, this is not about that guy being so hot and so special. It is about her character and her lack of respect and compassion for you. 

What is she going to do when some tall, handsome, studmuffin gives her the wink and the nod in real life??


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## ABHale

Miserable71 said:


> I agree with you completely. She tells me I'm being controlling and over reacting. This is my second marriage. My first lasted 8 years with her cheating on me two times. I want to be sure I'm not being exactly what she says.


Healthy boundaries in a marriage isn’t controlling.


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## ABHale

Miserable71 said:


> She admitted it to me two Saturday nights ago when I asked who she was talking to. The other guy contacted her. We were not having problems. She claims it was no big deal that they were talking that much and said she thought our marriage was great until I found out they were talking and it all blew up. She has never done anything like this before in all the 16 years we've been together. We rarely fight, so really no one is having to give in usually. Neither of us is controlling. We have always trusted each other and we neither have placed out self in a situation where there would be any questions. She has finally admitted that she really enjoys talking with him, but nothing is going on. She tells me she doesn't want him or to be with him or him be with her, they just talk about mundane stuff. (Little condolence for my feelings though). I do love her and want to resolve this, but I won't be a fool that is played or her #2. Sex life was regular and good.
> 
> I do agree, that I've now drawn a line in the sand for her to stop talking to him. She said she doesn't know if she can. EVEN if that means I'll walk and divorce her. She said she will prove me wrong and in 5 years from now or whenever I will see she won't be with him and that they were just friends. All this makes no logical sense........An ex she hasn't talked to in almost 27 years, she talks to for 3-4 months, and now she will let me walk so she can just be friends with him........
> 
> She and I have talked a lot about all of this over this weekend. The first week she was absolutely defiant she would not change a thing and she did nothing wrong. She now is saying she understands she was wrong and that all of this is 100% her fault. She still says she doesn't know if she is willing to stop talking to him though. I can't live with that though.



You know this is an emotional affair. She has admitted to this by say she doesn’t know if she can quit talking to him. Also the fact that she is so willing to prove you wrong if you leave.


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## ABHale

I have just finished going through your posting.

How are things going?

Did you find a lawyer yet?

Does she know that you are filing for divorce?


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