# Husband is deployed, at a cross roads.



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I don't really know where to start. I have been married for almost 7 years, we have two small children. My husband has been a Marine the entire time, gone for both pregnancies, deployed twice and never really had a problem. He's a good husband, father and provider for the most part. We have had our ups and downs but in the last year or so I feel like he's stepped up more and been a better father then ever before. 

This is our third deployment. He works very hard, has access to phone and internet and is not in harms way. Our communication is terrible, I don't feel married anymore. I have told him and I don't feel like he ignores it but I do feel like he doesn't take me seriously. Our e-mails to each other are impersonal facts about the kids our daily goings on. His calls are the opposite, very fun friendly charismatic like his usual self. I am not high maintenance I told him 1 call a month 1 email a week but once a week I need to be told I still matter to him. Worked for a few weeks, now it's back to same ol same ol and we haven't had a call in a while (I have not been by the phone when he called, and I don't sit around waiting for them so I don't blame him).

I feel detached. I feel odd about him coming home in a few months. I want to sleep on the couch away from him (he hasn't slept in a real bed forever) and let him show me he will invest something because it feels like it doesn't matter. I have always been the driving engine in the marriage. I may not be the bread winner but even he will admit I make our family tick, conduct activites, family outings and make sure everyones needs are me. I am tired of being the engine. I don't even know what my question is I just know my frustration has met a limit I have not been at before.

I don't think I want a divorce but I have to admit the idea or at least separation crosses my mind allot. Some times I think being alone would be easier then holding out for something that may not pay off.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, thanks for his service in uniform.

You have to look at the calls and see that his personality is still there. Emails by nature are much more impersonal and often misconstrued.

I can tell you from experience that this isn't unusual for a couple of reasons. First, even if he isn't in harms way, there are pressures. My son was a Marine and my brother is in the Army and they told me about the pressures but wouldn't tell their spouses or parents so they wouldn't worry.

The other thing is that usually depolyed guys don't work 9-5 jobs They are working a lot and yes, sometimes they don't/can't leave their jobs behind for a cheery call/email.

Why not try to increase the number of calls, maybe even schedulke them so you won't miss them (cell phone?). If his calls sound good, be thankful.

Hang in there. Those who wait also serve.


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## tnyn01 (Feb 24, 2009)

I feel for you and I understand how you feel. Have you ALWAYS been the engine in your relationship? If so, to ask him to change after all this time will take time. Men aren't built like women so sometimes the things you feel are important my not be important to him. This is why communication is so essential to marriage. Understand that men don't need to hear compliments, so they don't feel the need to give them. If its something you need, tell him. However, remember that he is deployed. Not being able to see you will make it difficult to compliment you. I don't recommend you not sleeping with him. I can tell you that he will be looking forward to that when he comes home. I would remind him that even though you're a wife and a mother, you're still a woman and tell him what you need. You may have to tell him a couple of times, but he will get it. Men sometimes get caught up in providing for the family so much that they forget that there's more to providing than the financial. You can overcome this. He's not cheating on you, he's just not in tune with your needs. Give him a gentle nudge to get him back on track. Keep your head up.


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## EmmyC (Aug 26, 2010)

My husband's also in the military and he's been deployed once. We also have 2 small kids for which I took care of by myself during his deployment. It is soooo tough to be alone and run a family by yourself. I can say that for my experience, his deployment and his poor communication skills really hurt our marriage. Eventually, my kids and I got a routine down and we actually ended up doing fairly well without my husband. It was kind of tough to re-incorporate him back into our lives when he returned. I too have thought that we could go on without him, still do as a matter of fact. Anyway, I don't have any real advice to give you as I feel my marriage is not good (which is why I'm on here!). However, I will say this - don't make any radical decisions while he's deployed. Neither of you have a clear head right now about what's going on in the relationship under this deployment stress. Wait until he comes back and then think it over. Good luck!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Maybe you could ask for help in coping with a deployed husband from the Marine Corps. I'm sure there are many people who find themselves in a similar situation, and talking with people who understand may be a great way to get it off your chest, and come to some understanding of what you are feeling.

I think you need to have some idea of what it's like for him day to day while he's deployed at the moment. It may be that he's not being overly communicative for a reason. Maybe it's hard for him to be away from the family, more than you or he may realise. He might feel like he's missing out on so much, that you all cope so well while he's away that he's not a very necessary part of your lives. He might not want to hear about all the family stuff so much because he's not with the family, and it just reminds him of that, and makes him miss you and the kids. I'm just guessing, but basically what I'm trying to say is that him not communicating a lot while he's away might be his way of coping with being away. I'm not saying it's a good way to cope though. 

When he gets home, I think that sleeping apart would be a mistake. You need to reconnect with him, not distance yourself from him. By not giving you both the opportunity to do this, you may start a downward spiral for your marriage, instead of helping it grow into the sort of marriage you want. With a little bit of time you can research the best ways to communicate what you need from your relationship with your husband. Maybe you could have some marriage counselling set up for a few weeks after he's returned home.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Breeze, you are saying the same thing he has said. He tells me that he tries to go one day at a time and since work is always busy for him it makes it easier. That he makes himself focus on the work so he doesn't think about us. 

I have brought this all to his attention. Just asking for him to say one small thing every 7-10 days that made me feel like a wife, because I don't. I feel very much like EmmyC....except he made himself more important to our family before he left. I thought we were in a good place to get threw our 3rd deployment. But now he just doesn't want to think about us for 8 months and then we are supposed to pick up. I don't know how to do that.

He e-mailed me this morning and said the phones have been restricted because others are abusing it. I understand thats out of his control. He said he wants to set up counseling so we can work on communication and understanding each others feelings. I am all for it, so we will be seeking that.

I appreciate the encouraging words. I don't know why it's comforting to have strangers tell me to hang in to the end but it is. Some times I need to hear it.

The sleeping apart thing mostly has to do with me not wanting to have sex before I feel like we have a relationship. If I sleep by him I don't think I'll hold to that. I feel mixed up inside because I don't think loving each other is the issue. Feeling like I am loved is. 

Thanks again for your words. I wont make any rash decisions. He's a very good man, if work is what it takes so long as he is willing to work with me I will to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Send him this book: His Needs Her Needs. Ask him to read it before coming home. You read it, too. It will help you both understand things better.


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## SweetestNothings (May 12, 2011)

This sounds just like me and my husband. Even the thing where the phone calls he'll act normal and so much easier to talk to than the emails. My husband has been deployed for the past two years and just signed another contract for another year, and he's begging me to stay longer. Feels like you're not married, feels like it's you and only you that has to do everything. How can you work on it to make things better, every marriage counseling thing I've seen has said "schedule time" ...well that's just not going to happen. I'm sorry I can't help... because I don't know what to do with myself. At least know you're not the only one... you probably feel alone but you're not. I hope that everything works out for you though.


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## shockedandblindsided (May 19, 2011)

I feel like i can somewhat relate to the situations here. My husband has also been deployed most of the 2 years we have been married. Everything has been fine up until recently when he's decided he doesnt like being married. he cant come out and say i want a divorce, but he says everything but. he says he feels held back, not sure how when hes been gone the whole time, and that he thinks he would be better off alone. this is so out of the blue for me bc he planned a cruise for us on his r and r in august and we were just talking about it. i know its a very stressful situation for them, my dad has been doing this for 7 years, but how do i deal with it? am i supposed to just give up? or see how he acts during his r and r? and if he is nice and sweet during r and r, how will i know he wont change his mind again? deployment really sucks and messes with everyone's mind. its hard to figure out where to go from here bc we cant talk face to face. im sorry i dont have any advice either.... hoping for some advice my way!!


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