# Sad and Confused



## adagirl (Jun 12, 2012)

I've been with my husband for 7 years married for 3 1/2 years. For the longest time I was the one who "made the money" I worked to support us. I was always stressed because I felt like he wasn't doing much to find work. Almost like he was waiting for it to come to him and that he felt he was to good for "lowly" type jobs. That was always our biggest issue, knowing that it lead to financial issues. Now we are doing very well. He decided to join the Military due to the fact that he has had so much trouble finding a job. With all his training he was gone for a total of 7 months. We have moved to be with him now, we have two children, and things are going good. Bought a home and I am working Part-time. Saving money is now something we can do and are doing. But I am still sad. 

I feel as if our "big" issue was covering up all the other feelings that I had and now that it is not an issue, I am not able to cope with the other ones. When he was gone and I went to see him, you'd think that after 10 weeks apart he'd "want" me. We were intimate, but I was distant from it. We've been back together since April and our sex life is practically non-existent. I feel he is a very selfish man when it does come to sex and so when we are intimate, i am rarely aroused. He spends most of his free time on the computer playing video games or researching about a card game that he plays. I am not interested in the game so he tells me that I should try and take an interest in his "hobbies". Yet he makes no attempt to gain interest in mine. He gets upset with our kids easily and only spends time with them if I ask him to. He rarely helps out around the house with things and says that if I write him a list he will do it. When I do that it still doesn't get done so I end up doing it. Plus how hard is it to put your dirty dish in the dishwasher. 

I spend so much time on our family, and rarely do much for myself. I have no problem with that, but it would be nice to receive the same sometimes. I love him and I went into our marriage knowing the work that it would take. But I feel I am the only one that puts in any effort. I tell him how I feel all the time, but nothing ever changes. When I talk to him he changes the subject and/or gets very defensive. The worst is when he wont talk at all. When he says nothing I know he is mad and stops listening to me. He just waits for me to be done talking and leave the room.

I am lost on what to do. I try to talk to him. Suggest MC and he says no, no discussion. I am exhausted from putting in more effort that he does. And want a little affection.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like talking to him right now will not get you anywhere. You cannot change him. But you can change the way you interact with him.

It might make a lot of sense for you to go to individual counseling.

There is a very good book that might help you ... "Divorce Busting". It has some very good ideas that you can implement. 


One of them is what is called the 180. (not the 180 link in my signature block below).

The idea of the 180 is to start doing things 180 degrees different than you do now. By changing your behavior, your husband will have to change. That's just the way relationships work.

For example if you never do anything for yourself, start doing it. Just tell him that you are going out for the afternoon. Dress up some... and leave the children with him. Just go out.

He does not help around the house? Stop doing anything he can do for himself. One of those is his laundry. He can take care of that. Don't tell him you are not doing it, just don't do it. When he asks .... very cheerfully say that you have been so busy and have not had time. And go about doing whatever important thing you are doing.. like taking a nice long bath.

Always be happy and cheer ful since it sounds like you are not a good part of the time.

The book explains it in more detail. Their website also has a 180 workshop that you can join.


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## adagirl (Jun 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I
> 
> Always be happy and cheer ful since it sounds like you are not a good part of the time.


It is hard to be happy and cheerful, when you are not. 

As for the other things, I have tried to do things for myself, leaving him with the kids, But then I always feel so guilty.
And before I leave, I hear "Sure you don't wanna take the kids with you? Or just one?"


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You sound like you are building up alot of resentment, which is poison in a marriage. This is what happened with my wife. She also showed many of the signs of a midlife crisis, which coupled with the resentment of built up unhappiness helped her conclude Divorce was what she wanted.

It was a terrible year. She is back now from 4 months seperation and things are improving every week. 

Food for thought. Get into IC and MC if he is willing. You need to figure out how to find your own happiness. No one can do that for you. Blaming the spouse is one of the key signs of a MLC and it all stems from internal thoughts.

This does not mean he should not change. We all should! 

Do what ever you can to stop building up resentment and IC is a first step.

My humble thoughts. I wish you well.


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