# A question for all 10 years and happy



## Gonnabealright

I was reading this thread
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/152641-fb-etiquette.html
It occured to me that I may be wrong about how I think when it comes to my spouses privacy. My stbxw was private. From what I understood of this she liked some of her things private and I never really pushed the issue. I did call a strange phone number on the phone bill she made for an hr and it turned out to be her old supervisor that moved to a different state. I'm still not sure if they we're just catching up or if there was more, it turned into a huge fight. She insisted we split the phone bill so I couldn't see who she was calling. Later, it turns out she was having an actual EA/PA? affair with a different man that I found out through an email. 

My question is this; How do successful marriages handle the others cell phone/fb acct/emails? Do you have access to read his/her messages whenever you want? Are you in mutual agreement that both of you can look at each others private information whenever one feels the need too? I know if their was an affair and your working on R then usually the WS will have to show all of it. My question is more geared to the happy couples that are NOT working on R. How does this work for you?

I have never been guarded to my private information so I don't have anything to hide and would let my wife see whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Should I look for a women that feels the same way I do or am I asking for too much?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Well I've never looked at my hb's phone or texts, and I like my privacy even though I don't have anything to hide. Hb hasn't expressed any interest in looking at my phone, but it's not locked and if he really wanted to he could. Likewise I could look at his phone if I wanted to but I don't care. I think you should find someone with nothing to hide but even if you could look how do you know you're looking at everything? People delete stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## melw74

I have been with my hubby 10 years and i have NEVER looked through his phone, and he has never asked to look through mine either.

When my husband comes in, his phone and keys are always put on the side, If i wanted to look then i would, he would let me, but i have to say i have never felt the need to really, its never crossed my mind.

I have my phone in my hand bag, he knows where it is and he could look anytime, maybe he has, but i doubt very much that he has.... he could, but he would find nothing.

We also have an itemized telephone bill, Only because of the older children, they have a habit of running up our phone bill.

On Facebook, I have my husbands password, he does not have mine..... hes never asked for it, and i only have his because hes not very good with computers.

I trust him, and him me, so i do not feel the need to look through his phone etc.

The thing is my husband knows, if he cheats there would be no second chances..... I would never forgive infidelity.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Gonnabealright said:


> My question is this; How do successful marriages handle the others cell phone/fb acct/emails? Do you have access to read his/her messages whenever you want? Are you in mutual agreement that both of you can look at each others private information whenever one feels the need too? I know if their was an affair and your working on R then usually the WS will have to show all of it. My question is more geared to the happy couples that are NOT working on R. How does this work for you?
> 
> I have never been guarded to my private information so I don't have anything to hide and would let my wife see whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Should I look for a women that feels the same way I do or am I asking for too much?


If he wants to read my emails he can, but he won't. Not unless I've asked him to. He is much more savvy about technology than I am, so if he really wanted to secretly monitor me, he could, but he doesn't. I don't read his emails unless there's some email he's asked me to read. I don't have anything to hide and neither does he. 

I feel secure enough in the relationship that absent some big huge red flag which indicates cheating on his part, I'm not going to read his emails. I have a FB account, but I'm hardly active there. He doesn't have a FB account. He thinks it's a waste of time. He's not even interested in my FB account. Most of the time I have to ask him to look at the updates from HIS family on my newsfeed. He does read my texts, but only because I ask him to since some of my girlfriends send funny things to me.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for both of us. I know I'm not wired for a reconciliation. I don't think he is either. So we both value the relationship enough not to damage it and we trust each other not to do things that would hurt the other. Also, after this many years together, I think I can tell when he's hiding something from me.


----------



## Gonnabealright

From what I'm gathering from the posts so far is that you carry yourself the same way I do, in that there is nothing to hide and it would be no problem to at any of it. I found her email on accident when I was on the computer and wasn't looking for it. So I did read it but I didn't go out of my way to find it. She left her email unlocked and there it was. 

So...I still think that what I'm asking is not unreasonable, I just married a women that didn't feel that way. Thanks for the input. It is something I will ask a significant other in the future about, call it PTSD, or whatever, but I don't want to make that mistake again.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Gonnabealright said:


> I was reading this thread
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/152641-fb-etiquette.html
> It occured to me that I may be wrong about how I think when it comes to my spouses privacy. My stbxw was private. From what I understood of this she liked some of her things private and I never really pushed the issue. I did call a strange phone number on the phone bill she made for an hr and it turned out to be her old supervisor that moved to a different state. I'm still not sure if they we're just catching up or if there was more,* it turned into a huge fight. She insisted we split the phone bill so I couldn't see who she was calling. Later, it turns out she was having an actual EA/PA? affair with a different man that I found out through an email. *


 Anyone who acts like your stbxw ... I would consider these huge waving red flags......Reactions speak / excessive insistence over one's privacy, an "It's none of your business" attitude .....it either means:
*1)* they dated someone previously that was overly suspicious / accusing & it drove them half crazy & vowed to have a boundary here...(trust issues)... 
*2)* they were taught, grew up with the belief even when you marry, it's perfectly fine to shut your spouse out -you do your own thing/ they do theirs , one foot still living the "single lifestyle"... or 
*3) *they are up to no good... secretly hiding things they KNOW are betrayals of the heart & they don't want caught. 



> *My question is this; How do successful marriages handle the others cell phone/fb acct/emails? Do you have access to read his/her messages whenever you want? *


 We only share one cell phone ...everything is open to whomever whenever...it's an old tracfone, no cell bills, we think nothing of hopping on each others emails/ Facebook... we know all passwords .. he befriends whom he wants, as do I... we share openly about all such things....



> *Are you in mutual agreement that both of you can look at each others private information whenever one feels the need too?*


 Yes, mutual agreement... it's a given, since the time we have gotten together , we were open books .... it's one thing we both appreciate in the other a great deal...this has built a foundation of trust for our marriage... The only thing my husband struggled & may have wanted to hide from me...but he didn't even try really...was downloading some Playboy bunnies in our past...he knew I didn't like it ... but it was tempting.. but he'd just leave them in a folder so I could find them, then I'd delete them.... I would get upset but not overly -over this.... I understand men like to look at stuff like that. He was always a great husband..He never lied to me, even if I didn't want to hear it, he'd be true.



> I know if their was an affair and your working on R then usually the WS will have to show all of it. *My question is more geared to the happy couples that are NOT working on R. How does this work for you?*


 I did a thread on Transparency... and how it works for us in our marriage... this subject is very close to my heart... I am the type that ENJOYS sharing my all, I couldn't be with a man who was secretive in any way, it would greatly annoy me... but what I mean by this is... not feeling the NEED to look into each others stuff.. but it's a way of living... interacting, it's an open sharing.. because it is what we ENJOY doing... I call it a "WILLING Transparency"

.I do not feel secrets have any place in a marriage...not everyone agrees with that.. .and that's fine.. so in this, I would even call it a Compatibility issue... as it can and will cause issues down the line if ONe believes in NO secrets and the other thinks that is too Open, TOO intrusive, too ________...

IN my view, when you marry, you become ONE...a Union, his friends become my friends, My friends become his..


There is no leash on me to whom I can FB friend or even talk on the phone, nor I on him.. but again, we share it all.. it's something written on the heart.. not in a rule book.. 

I try to explain the importance of this and how this works for us here *>>*








... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html



> *I have never been guarded to my private information so I don't have anything to hide and would let my wife see whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Should I look for a women that feels the same way I do or am I asking for too much?*


 I DO NOT feel you are asking too much..not at all....If it is a "deal breaker" for you, I would consider you a wise man. ...you have already had a sorrowful lesson in what can happen when a spouse insists on Privacy -where you yourself would never do that... but he open.. You need to find a woman geared like yourself, who values this as you do... 

2 more really good articles on why this is so very important in marriage *>>*

Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage - Focus on the Family


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


----------



## jld

I'm transparent with him. I don't think I am capable of hiding anything.

I know they say you can never be sure, but I just don't think dh or I would cheat on each other. I think we would hate ourselves. I can only imagine the shame we would feel. I hope we never find out.

Before you marry again, know exactly what you want and will/will not tolerate, and do not settle for less. Transparency should be number one. 

I was stunned when I first started reading about all the devices used to track cheaters. I can't imagine having to know all that.


----------



## jld

SA, thanks for posting those links. I just started reading the one on transparency, and it is great!


----------



## Gonnabealright

jld said:


> I'm transparent with him. I don't think I am capable of hiding anything.
> 
> I know they say you can never be sure, but I just don't think dh or I would cheat on each other. I think we would hate ourselves. I can only imagine the shame we would feel. I hope we never find out.
> 
> Before you marry again, know exactly what you want and will/will not tolerate, and do not settle for less. Transparency should be number one.
> 
> I was stunned when I first started reading about all the devices used to track cheaters. I can't imagine having to know all that.


It was never on my radar when we we're dating. I just assumed she was like me. I didn't even pay attention to such things like these until about 5 years in to the marriage. When they say that bad events develop character, this is deffinately one of them for me. I will never again marry someone who does not feel the same way about transparency, therefore defining my character.


----------



## Gonnabealright

SimplyAmorous said:


> Anyone who acts like your stbxw ... I would consider these huge waving red flags......Reactions speak / excessive insistence over one's privacy, an "It's none of your business" attitude .....it either means:
> *1)* they dated someone previously that was overly suspicious / accusing & it drove them half crazy & vowed to have a boundary here...(trust issues)...
> *2)* they were taught, grew up with the belief even when you marry, it's perfectly fine to shut your spouse out -you do your own thing/ they do theirs , one foot still living the "single lifestyle"... or
> *3) *they are up to no good... secretly hiding things they KNOW are betrayals of the heart & they don't want caught.
> 
> We only share one cell phone ...everything is open to whomever whenever...it's an old tracfone, no cell bills, we think nothing of hopping on each others emails/ Facebook... we know all passwords .. he befriends whom he wants, as do I... we share openly about all such things....
> 
> Yes, mutual agreement... it's a given, since the time we have gotten together , we were open books .... it's one thing we both appreciate in the other a great deal...this has built a foundation of trust for our marriage... The only thing my husband struggled & may have wanted to hide from me...but he didn't even try really...was downloading some Playboy bunnies in our past...he knew I didn't like it ... but it was tempting.. but he'd just leave them in a folder so I could find them, then I'd delete them.... I would get upset but not overly -over this.... I understand men like to look at stuff like that. He was always a great husband..He never lied to me, even if I didn't want to hear it, he'd be true.
> 
> I did a thread on Transparency... and how it works for us in our marriage... this subject is very close to my heart... I am the type that ENJOYS sharing my all, I couldn't be with a man who was secretive in any way, it would greatly annoy me... but what I mean by this is... not feeling the NEED to look into each others stuff.. but it's a way of living... interacting, it's an open sharing.. because it is what we ENJOY doing... I call it a "WILLING Transparency"
> 
> .I do not feel secrets have any place in a marriage...not everyone agrees with that.. .and that's fine.. so in this, I would even call it a Compatibility issue... as it can and will cause issues down the line if ONe believes in NO secrets and the other thinks that is too Open, TOO intrusive, too ________...
> 
> IN my view, when you marry, you become ONE...a Union, his friends become my friends, My friends become his..
> 
> 
> There is no leash on me to whom I can FB friend or even talk on the phone, nor I on him.. but again, we share it all.. it's something written on the heart.. not in a rule book..
> 
> I try to explain the importance of this and how this works for us here *>>*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html
> 
> I DO NOT feel you are asking too much..not at all....If it is a "deal breaker" for you, I would consider you a wise man. ...you have already had a sorrowful lesson in what can happen when a spouse insists on Privacy -where you yourself would never do that... but he open.. You need to find a woman geared like yourself, who values this as you do...
> 
> 2 more really good articles on why this is so very important in marriage *>>*
> 
> Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage - Focus on the Family
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


Very useful info Simply, thank you.


----------



## jld

Gonnabealright said:


> It was never on my radar when we we're dating. I just assumed she was like me. I didn't even pay attention to such things like these until about 5 years in to the marriage. When they say that bad events develop character, this is deffinately one of them for me. I will never again marry someone who does not feel the same way about transparency, therefore defining my character.


I don't know if this is helpful, but I would be very clear to define cheating (some people don't know what an EA is, and that it is cheating), and tell her what the consequences will be. Remember what CA said? She and her dh know exactly what the consequences would be, and that serves as a great deterrent.

Best of luck starting your new life, and Merry Christmas.


----------



## Wiltshireman

IMHO it is all about trust.

My wife and I have the same passwords for our phones as we will both use each other’s if needed (coverage, satnav, web access) especially in the car as it is illegal to use a hand phone whilst driving.

I do not know my wife’s FB password but as the majority of our friends are mutual it has never caused a problem and has been an advantage (organizing her birthday party would have been harder without FB and it was nice to be able to keep it a surprise).

I think that people use technology as an excuse when things go wrong but FB and the internet are just tools it is only the way that some people use them that can be a risk.


----------



## melw74

Like others have said, I know my husband, and i would know if he was hiding something, or he was not telling me the absolute truth. Same with him.

If i was lying he would know.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Wiltshireman said:


> I think that people use technology as an excuse when things go wrong but FB and the internet are just tools it is only the way that some people use them that can be a risk.


:iagree:

Facebook isn't some great threat to marriage any more than the invention of the telephone. It can be misused, but that speaks more about the person's boundaries and morals.


----------



## jld

Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Facebook isn't some great threat to marriage any more than the invention of the telephone. It can be misused, but that speaks more about the person's boundaries and morals.


Not disagreeing with you, CA, but borrowing the arguments of the gun control debate . . . 

With more technology available, is it just easier to cheat?


----------



## Faithful Wife

We don't have FB at all. We have strict boundaries and rules about our conduct. But having said that...we don't go through each other's phones or emails. If we wanted to, we could. But our boundaries are in place so that there is no sneaky crap going on to begin with, and so far (10 years next month!) neither of us have done anything to cause suspicion.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> Not disagreeing with you, CA, but borrowing the arguments of the gun control debate . . .
> 
> *With more technology available, is it just easier to cheat?*


Much easier to cheat, it IS at our fingertips today.. if one is married -decides they want some cake on the side...there are plenty of sites for cheating spouses.. you can C0*k shop on Craig's list... talk about dangerous.... I've read posts where people meet up on gaming sites, who needs a dating /shopping for sex site......

Face booking old flames, all it takes is a little curiosity, some boredom at home/ too much rejection in the bedroom... a private message to fish for a hook... Boundaries.. ever so important unless we want to keep our spouses on a leash.... I wouldn't live like that...but I can DO transparency easy.... 

I have found this to BE the most thorough write up on how the Dopamine can Kick in when our hearts go astray....it's like a DRUG *>> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html

.... the only remedy for this, in my opinion, (as can I say, even for myself.. I am NOT immune, I have a beautiful marriage but I would never be as foolish as to say "Oh that could never happen to me" -because keeping the love alive, the resentment out, the enthusiasm / continued emotional sharing is vital to a fulfilling marriage... to not leave little cracks open for another to STIR us away from our spouses.... That thread was written by a husband who was cheated on....in trying to make sense of how this happened to his wife who was one who said "I would never cheat".


----------



## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> Much easier to cheat, it IS at our fingertips today.. if one is married -decides they want some cake on the side...there are plenty of sites for cheating spouses.. you can C0*k shop on Craig's list... talk about dangerous.... I've read posts where people meet up on gaming sites, who needs a dating /shopping for sex site......
> 
> Face booking old flames, all it takes is a little curiosity, some boredom at home/ too much rejection in the bedroom... a private message to fish for a hook... Boundaries.. ever so important unless we want to keep our spouses on a leash.... I wouldn't live like that...but I can DO transparency easy....
> 
> I have found this to BE the most thorough write up on how the Dopamine can Kick in when our hearts go astray....it's like a DRUG *>> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html
> 
> .... the only remedy for this, in my opinion, (as can I say, even for myself.. I am NOT immune, I have a beautiful marriage but I would never be as foolish as to say "Oh that could never happen to me" -because keeping the love alive, the resentment out, the enthusiasm / continued emotional sharing is vital to a fulfilling marriage... to not leave little cracks open for another to STIR us away from our spouses.... That thread was written by a husband who was cheated on....in trying to make sense of how this happened to his wife who was one who said "I would never cheat".


Thank you for the link. I only started reading it, but I would just like to say the whole cheating thing sounds exhausting. And always trying to watch your spouse for it sounds exhausting, too.

Ultimately people just have to decide that they themselves are not going to cheat, and realize that they have no real control over their partners. 

Transparency, at least on my side (the only one I have control over), and just always trying to make my partner happy is about all I can do.


----------



## Gonnabealright

Thank you for all the insight. It reaffirms that happy couples do have transparacy and I'm not asking for something unreasonable. It's just something I will inquire about when things get more involved while I'm dating. 

I think as I spend time with a women of interest I will be able to spot the red flags if transparancy is a problem.


----------



## Philat

Gonnabealright said:


> Thank you for all the insight. It reaffirms that happy couples do have transparacy and I'm not asking for something unreasonable. It's just something I will inquire about when things get more involved while I'm dating.
> 
> I think as I spend time with a women of interest I will be able to spot the red flags if transparancy is a problem.


Transparency (as used here) means that privacy will not have the opportunity to turn into secrecy. Without transparency they both look the same.


----------

