# Tactic?



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

It really bothers me that he says he would like to remain friends and that he is looking forward to talking more with me then nothing in about a week and a half. He has emailed a few times and i answered then he doesn't respond back and absolutely no suggestions of talking about things. What's that all about? Some tactic on his part?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Maybe he's busy.


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## zebulona (Aug 15, 2012)

I would say to give him his time and space. For what I know of men, this is the usual thing they need. Make yourself busy, that helps get your mind off things.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

zebulona said:


> I would say to give him his time and space. For what I know of men, this is the usual thing they need. Make yourself busy, that helps get your mind off things.


Yeah i would like to believe that but those that know my story on here i am sure would disagree too with that thought process of his.

Thank you both for your replies though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

My stbx says that crap to me all the time. It's his way of avoiding the conversation in that moment. He really has no intention of talking to me about stuff later he's just blowing me off. And saying he wants to be friends is bs too. They don't don't want to feel bad because we hate them for [email protected] us over. If we remain friends they have no guilt.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Mine flip flops back and forth... he only wants to be friends when he needs something from me or its convenient for him.. I agree with cant, its about no guilt from him, just kjeep moving forward Sad you have been doing great!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> It really bothers me that he says he would like to remain friends and that he is looking forward to talking more with me then nothing in about a week and a half. He has emailed a few times and i answered then he doesn't respond back and absolutely no suggestions of talking about things. What's that all about? Some tactic on his part?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Easing his own conscience.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I can see it being just what all 3 of you are saying....easing his conscience. Which has lead me to remember what he had said at one point...." he didn't want me to hate him".

I really wish i could let this all go. I really do. I keep trying everyone's recommendations and i am so tired of reading books about relationships and how to make myself better. IDK....maybe doing all that just keeps me focused on it? Maybe its not me that needs to be fixed....maybe its him who needs fixed. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I stopped reading all those relationship books a while ago. I just needed a break from thinking about that stuff for a while.

It has been months since I have read any sort of relationship book or blog. I refocused my attention to my son. I now read child development books and behavioral development books.

I just got tired of trying so hard to save my marriage and trying so hard to become a better partner. Instead, I decided to just try to focus on being the best mom I can be. 

In a lot of ways, it is much more fullfilling....because at least my son is receptive to the activities I am doing. 

My mom used to go to support groups for parents of suicide. She would go every single week. It became sort of an obsession with her...all she could think/talk about was suicide and suicide survivors. Week in and week out, she would hear these horribly gut-wretching stories from people in her support group. During the beginning of her grief journey, the group was just so incredibly helpful to her. However, after time, it seemed to delay her progress. It re-hatched a lot of the grief and sorrow that she had already dealt with. I talked to her about this and asked her if she thought the group was helping or hurting her at that point. She agreed that the group was hurting her progress, and she backed off of the meetings a bit. She still attends a meeting here and there...but, she has re-focused her efforts to other areas. (...she become really involved in anti-puppy mill groups and a dog rescue organization).

So, I guess what I am saying is that if you are feeling like you are just tired of reading all these books, perhaps it is time to let it go? Let it go, and focus that attention and effort into another area of your life. ....a productive area. 

Try to move forward in a _positive_ direction

But, this is all for you to decide. You will need to decide for yourself when it is time to let all this go.

Hang in there, Sad. ....and stay strong.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> I stopped reading all those relationship books a while ago. I just needed a break from thinking about that stuff for a while.
> 
> It has been months since I have read any sort of relationship book or blog. I refocused my attention to my son. I now read child development books and behavioral development books.
> 
> ...


Thanks JPR. That advice really helped. Now i just need to figure out what interests me. I cant seem to find anything to keep me focused. I think about him too much. He consumes my every thought. I just want him out of my damn head. I mean, i am doing things and getting out but need to find something that really takes my mind off him. Something i can find passion in. I just cant seem to find it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks JPR. That advice really helped. Now i just need to figure out what interests me. I cant seem to find anything to keep me focused. I think about him too much. He consumes my every thought. I just want him out of my damn head. I mean, i am doing things and getting out but need to find something that really takes my mind off him. Something i can find passion in. I just cant seem to find it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. It is hard. I went through the same thing. I would do things, and go out with friends and stuff...but, in the back of my mind, I would constantly be thinking of him. I felt like I was just "going through the motions". I would do things and "improve" myself in hopes that he would take notice and want me back in his life. My motivations were so screwed up, but I felt like I couldn't help it. I didn't know how to do things purely for my own enjoyment and happiness.

But, eventually, those thoughts of him did stop. When I found myself obsessing, that "mental stop sign" trick helped me a bit. ...and eventually I did find real joy in others. 

It is still difficult at times...but, soooo much better than it once was. 

You just have to hang in there, Sad. You are doing all the right things, I think. You'll find your passion again.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

...oh, and AngelPixie really serves as an inspiration for this, I think. She is trying all sorts of new things--strip tease class, Contra Dancing, meetups. She has done a lot of this stuff on her own too. She is amazing and inspiring. I know she has inspired me to leave my comfort zone a bit and try new things.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> ...oh, and AngelPixie really serves as an inspiration for this, I think. She is trying all sorts of new things--strip tease class, Contra Dancing, meetups. She has done a lot of this stuff on her own too. She is amazing and inspiring. I know she has inspired me to leave my comfort zone a bit and try new things.


I will have to go back and read more through her thread. I took some pole dancing classes. They are fun but i was so old in that class compared to the other girls. 

I hope you are right JPR. I want him out of my head.

I did something stupid last night. 
t about 10 pm i texted him asking if he was there and about 8 minutes later he said yea back. I stopped myself from texting back because i was going to start asking him questions about his behavior the past 19 months and figured it wasnt worth getting uset about so i didn't respond back. About 1/2 hour later he said again are you there, i am going to bed soon. This morning he sent an email asking what i wanted. I just said it wasnt important and i had fallen asleep. He emailed back....but i texted you back in like 5 minutes, ok.


So now he's questioning me and i wish i wouldn't have sent anything. I just want him out of my head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> So now he's questioning me and i wish i wouldn't have sent anything. I just want him out of my head.


Well, you did text him. So, just resolve this now, rather than playing an avoidance game with him that will just drag out hostility between you two of this kind.

Just be honest. Say, "I texted you because I thought it might be a good time to talk about the status of our relationship, but when I didn't hear from you right away, I set the phone aside. I fell asleep before you texted me back. I'm having doubts about whether I should bring this up, now. Would you like to discuss the situation? Let me know." 

You wrote because you're getting mixed signals. Maybe he is willing to talk to about this. You've already gotten his attention, so there is no point in being evasive. Just be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Avoiding things is just going to antagonize him because it feels like you're playing games with him or trying to manipulate the outcome and it will stress you out, even more, too. Be strong. Face this directly and empower yourself with the reality of things.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

moxy said:


> Well, you did text him. So, just resolve this now, rather than playing an avoidance game with him that will just drag out hostility between you two of this kind.
> 
> Just be honest. Say, "I texted you because I thought it might be a good time to talk about the status of our relationship, but when I didn't hear from you right away, I set the phone aside. I fell asleep before you texted me back. I'm having doubts about whether I should bring this up, now. Would you like to discuss the situation? Let me know."
> 
> You wrote because you're getting mixed signals. Maybe he is willing to talk to about this. You've already gotten his attention, so there is no point in being evasive. Just be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Avoiding things is just going to antagonize him because it feels like you're playing games with him or trying to manipulate the outcome and it will stress you out, even more, too. Be strong. Face this directly and empower yourself with the reality of things.


Very good advice. You are right. I will just tell him the truth. Thank you. I am going to email him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Need some Advice....especially from Conrad.

Conrad, I think you followed my story on my Broken thread for awhile??? With that said, I wanted to share with you what developed today and get your advice.

All last year I couldn't get him to talk to me. He would say things like yes when you get your emotions under control or in a few weeks, but it never came. Then after he told me on February 12th that he couldn't do this any more and wanted to divorce a week or so later he wanted to meet and talk. I couldn't. Something in me just couldn't meet with him. I assume some fear, some shame, some hurt, some not wanting to be hurt more so I wouldn't. Over the past couple weeks I have told him I wanted to talk now and open up about some things. He has sent me emails back and forth but never really mentioned getting together to talk. So I took Moxy's advice above and was just truthful to him about the texting last night. I had simply said that I had wanted to talk and didn't think he would respond and when he did, I tried to comprise my thoughts and ended up going to sleep and that I was sorry for the confusion.

_He keeps saying he doesn't want to hear my appologies and just wants to talk and open up and be friends._ His exact reply back today was I always told you no matter our situation I would always talk to you and you said recently you wanted to talk more. I don't want talking to you being apologizing to me, but will always talk if you want about things you want to share. 

So I emailed him back and said Would you consider then going out with me once a month or so.....as friends...to talk and just have some fun together. No pressure/no roamance....just to talk and have fun? Try to work out some of the issues between us not necessarily to save the marriage just to work on the friends part that you mentioned? Something lighthearted like bowling or something? Let time get things out of us and learn to communicate better.

He replied back.....You have refussed to talk to me for so long I can't remember.I tried numerous times to get you to meet me a Panera or somewhere to talk as friends and you turned me down every time and now you are asking me this. I think an initial conversation is needed since it never happened. Would you be willing to meet me early Sunday so my mom can watch our _son's name_ for a couple hours at Panera or somewhere else?

_My Notes to Conrad - He had asked me twice to meet after he said he wanted the divorce. At that point I just couldn't. I wasn't ready. I'm not sure what he means by he thinks an intial conversation first would be needed before he would consider going out once a month. Does it seem like he is considering my proposal?_

So my reply back in email was this:
I guess because I asked you for so many months last year and then you wouldn't until February of this year (I do understand why) I just didn't know how to talk to you. I was afraid of you. I don't want to be. I want to communicate better with you.

Yes, I think it would be a start. I would welcome that. Thank you.

He emailed back me this (he has our son this weekend) -
_Son's name_ may be upset because he warned me I better have fun on the calendar this weekend since its the last weekend until school and he has hockey practice Friday night and Saturday morning so we probably need to make it like 8 to 10 so I'm back to take him golfing Sunday? (this was a bit of humor as my son would say something like that as he doesn't want to start back to school.)

_I did feel a little like I was pressuring him but he did say previously he wanted to talk and he was looking forward to it so I emailed him back saying this:_

I only want you to talk with me if you would like to. I don't want it to be forced or you to feel pressured. I just wanted you to know that. I also talked to _"son's name"_ and he said he would rather us talk with each other and promisses to be very good for your mom. 

He emails back and says:

We have "son's name", he needs his parents to be able to communicate as he grows up. We were together a long time and regardless of whats happened I told you I do not hate you and would always like a friendship with you. I've asked to have these conversations because I felt it could help us understand each other and not resent.




So Conrad....You think things through and don't seem to jump too quickly. You don't seem to carry resentment and anger either. 

So I need advice. Do you think this is a good chance to open communications? Am I reading negetivly into the conversation? So you know....my husband is a very prideful man and I believe some of the things he says could be him afraid to open up or don't want to be the one to do it. 

How do I look at it as a way to open up to each other and see where the communication goes without hoping too much for a R or getting my hopes up too much?

What do I say? I am so lost with this and if anyone has advice, I welcome it. Do I not bring anything up about what has happened the past 19 months unless he asks? Do I just keep the conversation light and about other things like our son and the weather and only God knows what else? Just keep it light hoping he will want to get together again and talk more?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I know you've specifically requested a reply from Conrad and I am not him, but, I hope you don't mind too much if I chime in, too. I think you've been afraid to face him and the outcome for a long time because a decision means dealing with the possibility that it won't go the way you want it to go. I know how much that hurts, because of my own situation. I want you to know that, while it is difficult to come to an ultimate conclusion, you are being brave and courageous in making the effort here. It really does look like he is trying to have a conversation with you to see where things stand and where they can go -- and that sounds like a positive development. He doesn't sound, based on his emails that you've included here, like he's interested in getting back together or even in committing anything specific to a friendship (which makes sense given what info you have provided even here), but it does sound like he is willing to bury the hatchet and be adult about this situation. I think that is a positive step toward any kind of potential relationship you two will have, even if it is only a friendly co-parenting one. I don't know the rest of your story, but, I will try to catch up on it and comment more. I don't know if this helps you at all, but, I wanted to say that you sound like you're handling this well and with composure and dignity. It isn't easy no matter how things go, but eventually, limbo ends and life gets moving again. Be strong and hang in there!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I really appreciated that advice. You can't be more right when you say I started avoiding him because of the fear of the outcome being not what I wanted. You hit the head right on the nail with that one. I am still terrified to go Sunday but I will do it. I pray for the wisdom to say the right things. I feel he wants just some interaction without any of the drama that has gone on for the past 18 1/2 months between us. We were together 22 years and this has been really hard. It happened quite suddenly. We grew apart and resentments built. 

I hate to admit it but my story "Broken" is no longer on here. After many months of posting and many replies and good advice by people, I deleted it for personal reasons I am a bit embarassed to admit. I haven't been very mentally unstable the past year because of all this going on in my marital life. I sunk very low. I know the thread was helpful to others because it had like 30,000 views and I received quite a few personal email from it for support but at the time, I felt I had good reason to delete it. 

I plan on just trying to keep the visit lighthearted. My biggest fear is breaking down crying which I know will set him off. He doesn't deal with emotions too well. I just need to figure out good things to base conversation on. It will be very difficult for me because I know the whole time, I will be so worried about doing and saying the right things. 

I really appreciate your advice today. Thank you.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Sad.

Try not to obsess too much about this. Just think of it at one of many conversations you two will be having in the future. ....try not to make it into a big deal. 

I hope everything goes well for you. 

I noticed that you deleted your other thread. ...I hope you are doing okay.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> Hey Sad.
> 
> Try not to obsess too much about this. Just think of it at one of many conversations you two will be having in the future. ....try not to make it into a big deal.
> 
> ...


Hi JPR

I have obsessed over it for hours last night annd then all night throughout the night. I don't know what to take from all this. I don't know if it is his pride and he really does want to work through all this but then I think about some things like him not wearing his ring and him filing in the first place.

Then the side of him that I know and I do feel there is still love for me there and the fact he has not really followed up with the filing and all the nice things he does do for me makes me think it is just his damn pride getting in the way and with us getting together and having a nice chat then maybe it will lead to another time together and so forth. 

I really feel like a pathectic @ss. I just can't let 22 years go that easily especially when I know the things that happened can be fixed. 

I know he is really upset about what happened 6 months in to separation and I don't blame him at all. What I don't understand is can't he see that he pushed me that way with all the hurtful things he was saying and doing those months....all the pushing me away? He says he was hurting and that is how he was dealing with our separation and that he was trying to figure things out in his head.

He says Sunday he wants to just meet and talk about things but not what had happened. So I'm a bit confused about what to say. I suppose I just keep it as we are friends meeting for a drink. You know I keep thinking I wouldn't want him as a friend with the way he is acting but deep down I still love him very much. 

I don't know if this will turn out to be a mistake for me. I am so afraid of walking away more hurt. JPR, there is no way if this doesn't lead to a positive future together that I can remain friends with him like he wants. I know it sounds selfish if I love him but there is no way knowing where we have been for all those years that I can still be friends with him while he moves on and possibly forms another relationship with someone. That would kill me inside.

I do think by the way he has done nice things and wanting to remain friends means he still cares. Don't you think? It is not like he moved on to a new relationship....for crying out loud he is still staying at his mom's.

All I can do is try to go into this with a positive attitude and hopefully making him want to meet again to talk.

Yes, I deleted my Broken thread. I really didn't feel I was going to be around at the time. I know it is sad but I just am not happy with how my life is. I just feel so stuck.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I hope you are doing ok today.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

There will be no meeting Sunday.

I found out about the affair today. I went to confront them at our business. My husband wasn't there so I went into her office and said we need to talk and shut the door for privacy. She said oh "my name" why are you here, I'm going to kill you". She pulled a gun out of her purse and I went over to get it off her. I punched her in the face and got the gun and went to throw it. She grabbed me and I pushed her back and tried to kick the gun further away. She bit me and I choked her. 

I exposed the affair to the office and left. Needless to say she is trying to press charges against me.

I should have listened to all of you. I beat myself up for a year and a half over what I had done.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Whoa Sad what happened? How did you find out about the affair? who is she?How long has it been going on for? Are you ok?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Whoa Sad what happened? How did you find out about the affair? who is she?How long has it been going on for? Are you ok?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am ok....actually the adrenaline i have is the most energy i have had in a year and a half. I kept searching for explanations of why he wont work on things with me. I stood by him and beat myself up for my mistakes. He carried it on as a relationship. She works in our office. She is ugly and has tattoo's and piercings all over her. My husbands conservative and reserved. I asked him if he loved her and he couldn't say yes. He said it was a casual fling to get over me. Right! Worse thing is i knew her too. It would never work with her as she has gone through like 3 marriages. She is so different than him. I am much prettier and a really good mom who gave him a son. 

I have to say the quiet reserved me didn't know what i had in me. When she pulled a gun out of her purse, my instincts were to get it off her. Man did i give her a right hook to the eye. I never hit anyone in my life. I never even laughed at anyone. 

In confidence the officer was very nice to me and talked to me in confidence. As of now she dropped charges. I still dont understand..
She screwed my husband, pulled a gun on me and i protect myself but she can press charges. 

I gave him an ultimatum to get rid of her and work this out. If he chooses not i will fight for full custody and his money as it was our business.

Ps...that right hook was for everyone out their betrayed. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He's not worth fighting to keep of he brings this drama into your life. Divorce him and move on. Look what you've turned into. Do you want to be this person? Your partner is leading you down a rather unfulfilling path at your expense and for his sole privilege. Time to do better for yourself. Hang in there.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks Moxy. You are right. As the adrenaline and shock wears off, i am feeling more compelled to do just that. I am not sure i want him after the way he treated me. I do know he doesn't love her and i know it will ruin him in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I cant sleep. I just texted him and told him he is right, he doesn't have it in him to work through this. Go be with her.

I think i will be ok. I know it all will backfire. I know her well enough to know her personality will clash so bad with his mother. He is so supportive of his mom. His mom and i were like sister. It will crumble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wow Sad,how long has this been going on with him,no wonder he kept stringing you along.
Sorry this happened but the one good thing is now maybe you can let him go,he's not worth it.
He made you feel bad,made it seem like it was all your fault and I think he got a kick out of doing it.
Move on Sad,no reason for you to put any more energy into him at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sorry sad. But now maybe you can move on in your life. Now you are no longer in limbo and wondering "why why why why"

And you can STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Sorry sad. But now maybe you can move on in your life. Now you are no longer in limbo and wondering "why why why why"
> 
> And you can STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!


Yep that is the first full form of forgiveness of myself that I have felt all year. I thought I had forgiven myself until now.

Crazy thing is I think I would still allow him back. :scratchhead: The only explanation is I'm tuck'n nuts. 

Do you know he still had balls enough to blame me for some of the things that happened like some texting to someone he misread like 3 years ago that meant totally the opposite of what it sounded like it said. After I found out what he was doing and was 100 times worse than anything I did. When I talked to him yesterday after the whole incident, I still found myself accepting blame and appologize. Now I actually see where Bandit's 2X4 comes into play.

So at 2 in the morning I texted him this: "Things don't work out without communication! You never once communicated with me. All OW did was take advantage of you when you were vulnerable. She is playing victim by saying she could have shot me but was thinking of our "son's name." You know her nasty streaks....you've heard them all before. You are right, I don't think you got it in you to work things out. Go be with her."




We have known her for about 15 years. She has been married, I think the last was #3 to a very good close hand employee at my husband's business. I wonder how he feels looking up to his boss now who turned around and was screwing his ex-wife who he confided in my husband about all kinds of stuff she did. 

Wew....talk about exposing the affair. My plans where not to do that at all until the skank pulled a gun on me. I even said to her "name" we need to talk. She pulled a gun out and said I will kill you. WTF!!! Nice skank he picked....carries a gun to the office and pulls it on his son's mother. 

Anyway, he texted me back this morning:

After what happened yesterday I'm sure that won't be an issue any longer. I have to see if anyone shows up for work today and work on getting things under control there or we will have major financial issues too. I will call you tonight.

I now really keep telling myself I don't really care what happens. I have a choice in the matter now too. 

Based on our conversation, I do believe he does not love her and I do believe it won't work out much more if it does. Can't see how her ex husband can keep working with mine based on yesterday. 

You know, it was totally unlike me to do anything like that but screw it, I'm tired of being pushed and bullied. Deep down I still love him but know now I can finally start detaching. After his call tonight, if he doesn't take responsibility I will go NC....not even about our son or finances. Let him write out the bills. I don't give a crap.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Wow Sad,how long has this been going on with him,no wonder he kept stringing you along.
> Sorry this happened but the one good thing is now maybe you can let him go,he's not worth it.
> He made you feel bad,made it seem like it was all your fault and I think he got a kick out of doing it.
> Move on Sad,no reason for you to put any more energy into him at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin.... do you have an honest, unwed brother like yourself to spare? I'm not too many honest, loving good husbands exist.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So was exposure just the ruckus that went on in the office? How did you expose it to everyone? (just curious)

Glad to see you have a plan in your head. And I'm also glad to read that you are already starting to forgive yourself. That will give you more stength during this time than you know.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sorry Sad,I'm the youngest and only boy out of six kids.
I like your attitude lately,you'll make it through all this crap,really sorry you had to go through this sh!t.
You'll find a decent guy,be choosey,I honestly think about 70% of all men are jerks,going by my sister's ex's and bf's.
Never settled Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> So was exposure just the ruckus that went on in the office? How did you expose it to everyone? (just curious)
> 
> Glad to see you have a plan in your head. And I'm also glad to read that you are already starting to forgive yourself. That will give you more stength during this time than you know.


 
Well everyone heard me beat the crap out of her after she pulled a gun on me. It was only to get it off her. So I walked out the door of her office since there was going to be no talking and everyone was standing there so I looked at them and her exhusband (I have got to appologize to him, poor guy) and said in front of everyone "nice boss you look up to (meaning my husband) and said did you know he was f 'ing your ex wife the past year while still married to me?" She is nothing but a skank. Then I said ta tah and left. 

yeah I know, not very tactful and I am quite embarrased but you know what, they did it not me. I had not intentions of harming her or exposing it....she pushed me over the edge with the gun thing.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sorry Sad,I'm the youngest and only boy out of six kids.
> I like your attitude lately,you'll make it through all this crap,really sorry you had to go through this sh!t.
> You'll find a decent guy,be choosey,I honestly think about 70% of all men are jerks,going by my sister's ex's and bf's.
> Never settled Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I won't next time. You know, I don't ask for anyone wealthy, I don't even ask they be that tidy or always remember everything, but I do ask for someone that wants to really spend time with me even when they can't. Someone just honest who puts me first after God.

Too bad about the brother. Maybe someone on here will pop up in the future who went through this horrible stuff who never would want to go through it again. You never know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

You know the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I realize you've suffered the longest of nearly anyone that writes here.

You kept praying for an answer.

You got one.

I hope you find some peace now.

And, no you don't have to be friends (or even friendly) with someone who would do that to you and your son.

He and posOW can enjoy reaping what they've sown.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm really glad you're safe.

And, I'm really glad you decked her.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Bless you Conrad. You know, I have search for the write prayer the past couple weeks. I keep telling God how weary I have grown. I have asked him to show me a way out. 2 weeks ago I had a dream, I haven't had too many about him through all of this, but it was about him and an OW. I defended him so much in my other "Broken" thread. I sincerely believed his innocence. I swore that he was a good man who would not do this that it was me who was the weak one, the POS one. My appology and remorse was never enough for a mistake I made once 6 months into the separation out of pain and agony for him. He threw it back in my face so many times. It reminds me of Jesus carrying the cross to be crucified and falling down and being mocked and spit upon. I know my suffering wasn't as near as much as my Saviour suffered but I grew so tired.

I was baptised as an infant and had gone to church sporadically and didn't put enough faith into it but something touched me this past year. Something that has changed me spiritually for the better and for that I am greatful. Some might not believe or think it is all bogus, but I have felt a presense the past few months that I have never felt before. 

Moxy is right, he made me into something I am not. Something I don't want to be. I was a good person with morals and values. I was caring and smart. I would never find myself in the situation I was in yesterday ever! He put me in that situation. Me, his wife of 22 years, the mother of his only son, in harm from some POSOW. I know he doesn't love her and will regret it sooner than later. 

I know this is was his choice as God would not do this to me. I opened my bible this afternoon and turned to 1 COR 16:13....that is where my eyes stumbled to. "Keep your eyes open for spiritual danger; stand true to the Lord; act like men; be strong; and whatever you do, do it with kindness and love." This is the courage I needed. It defines the person I am and I finally know his work with me is almost done and I know my near future contains many fruits. However this works out, I will learn many lessons from it. 

Maybe one day I will be as wise as you Conrad.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I'm really glad you're safe.
> 
> And, I'm really glad you decked her.


 
LOL....me too Conrad....I know it was foolish but I wasn't going down without a fight. I thought it was mase at first and when I went to grab it realized it was a gun.....I turned it towards her abdomen in case she pulled the trigger. Man did I deck her Conrad. The whole top of my right hand is swollen and bruised today. I hate to see her eye. I in a million years never knew I had that in me. Maybe I otta take some kick boxing to loose a few pounds from this mess. :scratchhead:

Ok....enough gloating......I am learning to be humble.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So spent two hours on the phone with him tonight. He admitted he was wrong with the whole relationship with the POSOW....holy hell....he admitted a fault. Break out the damn champagne. He said it started purely from hurt....but that is bull cucky after what he put me through. He sad they talked and both admitted they were wrong and have broken off the relationship 100%. Whatever!!! I don't know weather I believe him or not but he was in tears the majority of the conversation which he never crys....ever. I maintained my composure the whole time and did not cry once. I listened a lot but I also spoke with a lot of wisdom. I was so proud of myself. The bottom line is he said he cut relations off with her and wants to work on just communicating better with me for our son's sake with no pressure at all of more than just building communication. So I talked to him about things that have gone on all summer with me and our son and listen to him a bit. We were ready to hang up and I said so do we meet in a week or so for a drink and just talk and he started getting up set and saying I was pressuring him and I calmly and with composure told him I do not want to walk on eggshell with this and I don't expect to be talked to no longer like this. That I have grown and learned a lot the past year and gave him examples of my growth and told him I still love him but I like the new me that I am becoming and will not give the new me up for him and that if he wants to improve communications then I will not put up with this or we can cut off all communication now. I needed what happened to happen, I feel very strong despite the hurt and actually some how I feel a bit disguisted with him after the degrading he did to me all year while I stuck up for him and put myself down and he was doing what he was doing. I am not looking for a relationship either anymore. I told him I have learned to value myself more and will no longer put up with this and boy did he change his attitude around after that and even said he was proud of me. In side I was saying yeah that is right "@[email protected] I did wrong. I owened up to my wrongs and have worked very hard to right them. All I kept thinking to myself is the saying from the movie The Help......"you is kind", you is smart, you is important." 

I prayed for the God to give me the wisdom to speak calmly, collectively and to know the right words to say. PTL!!! For the first time I spoke perfectly and like I had real value. I am proud of myself. 

I told him I can be alone now with out being lonely and therefore I don't need him and it is just a bonus for me to have someone to share my life.

Let's just say his tone of voice was quite different....like I shocked the hell out of him.

Thank you to all of you who have ever replied to my thread here and the "Broken Thread". Each and every one of you have helped me in so many ways to become stronger. I have much more learning but I saw such a new me this evening. Funny but I don't even care if he communicated with that POS. I truly feel tonight that it is his lost. I will see if he reaches out to communicate but I will not do it first. I still plan on following my schedule of finding new employment over the next few weeks and I will continue to get stronger and stronger. Just maybe, I won't ever want him to come back.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm so happy you found your strength 

We are here for you


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Sad,

After reading through this thread, I am glad to read your story that mirrors mine so much (two kiddos here). I would really like to deck this *****. Thank you. I am glad you got that off your chest. I am especially glad you told him you could be alone without being lonely. Continue to take care of yourself. Truck him. You are the prize, not him. Be blessed.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad,I liked a lot of what I heard,you are changing,getting stronger and more independant.
I like the confidence.Keep it up.
Sad,I think he's crying false tears.He's grabbing at straws no,dont let him fool you.You are in a excellent position now.
You said maybe you can let him go.Maybe.
Sad I feel he put you through the ringer for almost two years and didnt care about how much he hurt you.
Now he cares.
You deserve soo much better than a recycled him.
I dont mean any disrespect but I feel you will have a much better life without him.
I've been reading "Broken" for....oh God 7-8 months?
You've come a long way Sad.Good for you.
I dont ever want to meet you in a dark alley Sad.
Youre bad @ss!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad,I liked a lot of what I heard,you are changing,getting stronger and more independant.
> I like the confidence.Keep it up.
> Sad,I think he's crying false tears.He's grabbing at straws no,dont let him fool you.You are in a excellent position now.
> You said maybe you can let him go.Maybe.
> ...


No, I do believe his tears were real. He is not one to cry and couldn't even talk. I think he realizes he messed up too. I honestly believe he is terrified about what could have happened yesterday because he said I can't believe this happened. It is so unreal. You could have been shot by her. I said nothing and thought yeah, you let that happen. I hope he realizes truly what he did. We have known her about 15 years....she has so many problems it is unbelieveable. 

After we hung up the phone I remembered I wanted to tell him our son will not go near her. I said I have to admit I still am not comfortable with her still there after what happened between you two and us agreeing to work on communication but at this point it is minuit and I don't care. I am continuing my path of growth and if you happen to be in it in 
the future, it may be nice but I am doing for me at this point.

I do not want him thinking he can still control me. I am not his puppet. Calvin, I don't know what happened to me. I thought I would be devestated but I just don't care. I don't know if it was a relief to finally fully forgive myself or it I don't care cause I know I am everything compared to her.

Thanks for the praise. I am in a good place tonight and am very tired which is good. I did not sleep at all last night.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

This is called a breakthrough.

I didn't see your request in this thread until after you had punched her in the face.

I'm actually glad I didn't. You did it on your own.

Keep placing value on yourself.

It belongs there.

Sleep well.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

2much2soon said:


> Sad,
> 
> After reading through this thread, I am glad to read your story that mirrors mine so much (two kiddos here). I would really like to deck this *****. Thank you. I am glad you got that off your chest. I am especially glad you told him you could be alone without being lonely. Continue to take care of yourself. Truck him. You are the prize, not him. Be blessed.


Saying that was a huge step for me and through him for a loop. 

I wish I wouldn't have deleted my Broken thread. It was about 9 months of my whole story and I think I have truly come a long long way. What I found out yesterday I think gave me closure. 

Thank you and bless you.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> This is called a breakthrough.
> 
> ...


I placed so much emphais on his needs and pleasing him. I saw clearly from this experience. It is an amazing breakthough. I almost feel its unreal and I am going to wake up in this nightmare again. I can't believe how much strength I have developed from this. Thanks...off to :sleeping:


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I'm so happy you found your strength
> 
> We are here for you


:smthumbup::smthumbup: YAY!!! Me too more than you could ever know. How silly to ever feel suicidal over this. Thank you so much.

I pray for everone to feel some peace again soon.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sad,pulling a gun on you..really...she's lucky you only punched her! Glad you're okay though...except for the swollen hand.I hope you keep empowering yourself and realize that even standing alone you have as much worth as anyone in this world.Don't be too quick to buy anything your H might be selling,because it seems to me he hasn't been fretting too much for the longest time about you and your marriage.Be positive 100% about what you want and stay on the path.Be good and no more beating on people.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

You rock Sad!
Yawwn....Goodnight. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> sad,pulling a gun on you..really...she's lucky you only punched her! Glad you're okay though...except for the swollen hand.I hope you keep empowering yourself and realize that even standing alone you have as much worth as anyone in this world.Don't be too quick to buy anything your H might be selling,because it seems to me he hasn't been fretting too much for the longest time about you and your marriage.Be positive 100% about what you want and stay on the path.Be good and no more beating on people.


Actually I am laying in bed and my mind is swirling. I am rethinking some of our 2 hours conversation and while he was stumbling over this new me at the same time I picked up vibes of resentment or anger or something towards me and several times he spoke up saying he wasn't looking to necessary reconcile which kept pissing me off because I never said I wanted to at this point. As a matter of fact at 1:30 in the morning I texted him and told him I don't think he has it in him to work on the marriage and to go be with her. If he was serious she'd be fired and I will not move forward anyway with her still there. I don't care how much adult they think they can be and still work together....I can't. I can't after the raw pics of them I saw. It makes me want to puke. At this point in all honesty I do not see myself wanting to R. As a matter of fact I am moving on with my plan to get a job and file against his claim. He can have a court summons against him why should just I? In all honesty, I am not angry as much about the affair as how I was treated for so long. I am not holding onto any hope from anything he says anymore. In all honesty, I feel my love dwindling away, like an hour glass sand drizzle down. Oh he said POSOW said she is terrified of me....yeah right, she pulled the gun on me. If you can't wear big girl pants then put your damn diper back on. Just another tactic for her to use for his sympathy. 

I very much still see me contacting my attorney next week to see what my rights are.

Thank you for the support.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You're welcome and btw I sent you a PM a while back when you asked in the boundaries thread.Hope things settle down a bit and you have a decent night.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

WOW!!!!! Sad, you seem like a totally differnt woman.

Almost need to change your user name 

STRONGWITHOUTHIM


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> WOW!!!!! Sad, you seem like a totally differnt woman.
> 
> Almost need to change your user name
> 
> STRONGWITHOUTHIM


I like that,excellent screen name for you now Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

A bit of a restless very early morning. I had moments of pure disgust and anger and sick nauseated feelings about what he did to her. I sent him an emailing telling him that i trust he is no longer having a relationship with her to repair our communications but that i do not feel comfortable she is still at the business and healing, trust and communication will not progress as long as she is there. 

He could not agree but i feel strong enough that i will not put up with it and will continue to move forward and will not communicate with him to repair that part of the relationship. I cant keep being bothered by her existence there. That is if he doesn't fire her. 

With the sadness i felt this morning about their affair, it is enough to know i will not go back to the past 19 months. You all have instilled strength in me to keep me moving forward. I am ready to start my career up and make a life for myself. I dont care any longer what he does and the true test will be if he fires her to build our communications up for the sake of his son. He should love him more than her feelings.

I am praying for continued strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am in a good place again. I saw my therapist today. She said i woke up an entirely a new person. She hugged me and told me how proud of me she is. She is so proud of the strength and courage this gave me. 

I also weighed myself and lost 12 pounds in one month now. 20 more and a bit toning and i will be back to my sexy old self. My focus with ds starting back to school will be a full back to the gym workout daily and job hunting. For the first time in a long time i am happy to be me. I have had not one thought of suicide in 3 days. I watched my son sleeping a bit this morning and realized how lucky i am. When you can finally forgive someone you receive such a positive beautiful gift in return
I feel so free of my guilt and can now begin loving myself again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I was thinking of new screen names and couldn't think of anything better than my God given name. Hi i am Gloria and i am codependent no more for 3 days now.

I will keep sadwithouthim as a constant reminder for how far i am coming.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

:smthumbup::bounce::woohoo:

You sounds so much better today, sad


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> You're welcome and btw I sent you a PM a while back when you asked in the boundaries thread.Hope things settle down a bit and you have a decent night.


Hi TBT.....I did get your email and responded back? Don't remember what I said back though....:scratchhead: I think I tried to search what you were refering to with no success. I am going to just continue on with working on myself. I feel I have a better shot of it now with some closure and my own forgiveness. 

I had some momentary anxiety through out today thinking about the awful pictures I saw, but over all I am doing really well. I think I beat myself up the most the past 19 months that with that part of the relief I am better.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Who the he11 is this new woman? You rock sad. I am so proud of you. It truly is only up from here. I couldn't be happier. 

Don't worry to much about the pics you saw. I promise in time the mental images will fade.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad's DA MAN...errr she's more of a man than her STBX..uhhh...excuse me while I go get my boot out of my mouth and put it in my @ss where it should be.....You rock Sad!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cantmove said:


> Who the he11 is this new woman?


can'tmove,

I'm sure you're familiar with her.

She's posOW.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I know you all will think i am nuts but i am very much almost fully at peace. I know a lot more about the situation. With that said, i have forgiven him. It will take me a long time to forget but my love for him was always unconditional. I have no room in my heart for anger and hatred. I have suffered way too long to let it go on. I have the closure i needed to forgive myself so that i can move on. I am who i am and although i can improve myself greatly, my heart was just made to be caring and loving. All in all if that brings me more difficulties in life then so be it because i would not want a harder heart. "You are you and there is no one youer than you"....Dr. Seuss

He has not asked for forgiveness and i do believe he is suffering his consequences of actions right now. I know what that pain feels like and do not wish it on him.

I will continue to mold myself in a happier and stronger version of myself. I have the strength to do it now and can only imagine the possibilities of who i will become.

I cant forgive the OW right now because of her behavior but i prayed last night for her and i prayed that in time God would show me how so i may fully heal from that too.

I am so grateful to all of you who have helped me for so long....so many kind words and support got me through so many rough days and nights when all of you were having them too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

No one will question your decision to forgive him.

But, one point of order:

In this forum? It's posOW

(I know you can do it)


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I looked in the mirror today and see something i have not seen in a long time, maybe never....beauty.

I put on a lovely summer dress and am on my way to drop off my son at my husbands. You may think i dud it for him but its been a year since i felt like making myself look beautiful. I did it for me. My hair is smooth and silky pulled back with a satin headband and my eyes look as blue as a sapphire. I smell of sweet honey dew. I feel confident. I look beautiful and i am. I am every thing that anorexic tattoo and piercing thing will never be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> I looked in the mirror today and see something i have not seen in a long time, maybe never....beauty.
> 
> I put on a lovely summer dress and am on my way to drop off my son at my husbands. You may think i dud it for him but its been a year since i felt like making myself look beautiful. I did it for me. My hair is smooth and silky pulled back with a satin headband and my eyes look as blue as a sapphire. I smell of sweet honey dew. I feel confident. I look beautiful and i am. I am every thing that anorexic tattoo and piercing thing will never be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You mean posOW?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You mean posOW?




Even though i think that it doesn't make me a better person to say it. 

Its funny, you know when you feel good and you act confident and pleasant people give it right back to you. Just seems all my interactions today with others has been so positive. Others smiling more and just more pleasant. Its like the meaning of the laws of attraction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> Even though i think that it doesn't make me a better person to say it.
> 
> Its funny, you know when you feel good and you act confident and pleasant people give it right back to you. Just seems all my interactions today with others has been so positive. Others smiling more and just more pleasant. Its like the meaning of the laws of attraction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad,

I wish your post had a hundred like buttons. I'd press them all.

I found exactly the same thing.

When I finally "let it go", was THE DAY that other people started responding to me as a positive force.

The reaction was that immediate - just like you are experiencing.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Almost cant believe this is the same Sad from 8-9 months ago  Youre alright in my book Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

calvin said:


> Almost cant believe this is the same Sad from 8-9 months ago  Youre alright in my book Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can certainly see where her hockey player got his right cross.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> I wish your post had a hundred like buttons. I'd press them all.
> 
> ...


I am so glad you said that. I dropped my son off at with my husband. I felt no fear, no embarrassment, no guilt, not much pain. I am not in a numb state as i can feel things still. As i drove away, i started wondering if i am handling it all or blocking it out some how because it has been immediate. 

Funny thing is, i walked my son almost up to the door and my husband was there waiting. For many months i had fear to face him. He acted as if he were a stone wall. He was emotionless. Most times i did all i could to avoid even catching a glance of him. Today i didn't care. I waved and got into my CRV and as i was waiting for a chance to pull out i saw him looking at me. He watched me until i pulled out and drove away. That was the first time he actually looked at me in almost 19 months. 5 minutes later, i get a text saying "you could have come in". 

Its a good feeling Conrad. I don't ever want to leave this place i am in. I think he realizes he really messed up. IDK, i have proof that the affair didn't start until at least 7 to 10 months in to our separation. I know all of our pain would never have happened in the first place if he would have just communicated. I hope he learned from this. All i know is i am gaining control of my own life finally and i am not giving in to emotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Almost cant believe this is the same Sad from 8-9 months ago  Youre alright in my book Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Calvin. You make me smile at your comments. You are a good friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You can certainly see where her hockey player got his right cross.


LoL

I am definitely looking forward to this upcoming season.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I have been bothered with some things this evening. I want to share a paragraph from an email I got this morning from him late last night. He says:

"i'm trying to think of how to put down my thoughts, i am not the writer you have become (that is a compliment), i am more verbal so please do not take it wrong while this response is not as deep as yours, i will talk more when in person and will also send more responses as they become coherant in my head to type.

Also "OW" was more casual then you know/think, i did not see her very often, no one knew anything at work, so it was and still is strictly professional there. Between the time I would spend with "son" and the time running my mother around, playing golf with friends on the weekends, softball, etc., With what happened its been a life changing event for both of us. We talked and basically realized how wrong things were, and the sheer reality of how she could have shot you or you could have turned it on her and shot her, she realized immediately how this could effect things for me and "Son" and never wants to be the cause of any issues between me and my son. YES, i have remorse, i realize how the mother of my son was almost shot becuase of me, i realize how i would have had to explain to "son" how my actions led to his mother passing, i have cried every night at the thought of it. i also explained to her how i can not put myself in any position to jeopardize anything. i understand these things should have been thought of before things ever got to this point but they weren't, the reality of the situation has scarred and awakened me to this reality. Outing us the way it happned has created a very awkward situtation at work that the effects will linger for a long time. i let everyone down as their leader and after building their respect up over 10 years i have lost it in a day. Yes, I do/did consider "OW ex-husband" a friend and yes, i've hurt him, i will have to deal with him also. i was walking down the hallway yesterday and could feel the eyes from the other office looking at me, i'm sure the story has spread and i'm sure i am looked upon differently, i can feel it, i was once respected by everyone and now i'm a peice of dirt to them. I understand i have caused this and i will have to deal with my own demise."



Things bother me and I am not sure I am reading into it too much. I see some remorse knowing his true personality, but at the same time he still sounds like an errogant jerk that would have continued on with it if I didn't find out what happened. Was he in what they call a fog and awakened to reality after what happened? I don't give a crap what the OW thinks and am not sure why he told me that. As I read through emails just the day prior to this whole incident of me outing her, I still feel such coldness in his tone. He talks about feeling like dirt. I felt lower than dirt for the hurt I had caused him and it was nothing like what he did to me in addition I didn't treat him like crap and not talk to him. I couldn't even get one small conversation out of him. I felt I was gutted, rolled in dirt, dragged behind a truck and left in the sun to die while he stood over me and spit on me. Worse thing was I believed I derserved it for hurting him. Crazy thing is as disgusted as I am with what he did and how he treated me and even the visuals, I felt more remorse for what I did. Was he truly awakened from a fog by this incident or is this all still BS? I guess only time will tell with his words and actions. I want to believe him watching me today when I dropped our son off and him texting me after and saying I could have come in makes me think he is being sincere and I am not reading his truth feelings correctly in email. I know emails can be taken differently but I don't want to be taken for a fool and a ride all over again. 

I spent some time with myself today which has felt good. I went swimming and then went to aerobics and I'm about to enjoy a movie. I did have a bit of a cry on my way home from the pool but didn't last long at all. I was just wondering what he saw in her. Do men really like that? Anorexic type with tattoos and peircings on her body? Do men find that attractive. IDK....I know I am much prettier and have so many more attractive qualities. People like me. She was a [email protected]#$! and disliked by many. I was feeling a bit threatened. I know its silly but my mind was playing with me. I kept pointing my flaws out to myself and compairing. Like a few stretch marks I have on my belly from bearing our son and maybe like my breast are too big and just plain silly stuff but it hurts. It is just someone I never thought he would do something like that with her. 

I keep wondering how his friend and employee and ex-husband of OW must feel too. 

Ok...I am rambling. Just trying to get a few things out. "Sigh" I'm good. I will be ok.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad,no way.
I smell a rat,I hear a cop out from him.excuses are the order of the day for him.
I see the compliments from him also.Its fake.
He wants on your good side as much as he can.
Dont buy any of it.
I'm impressed with you Sad! Really am.
I cant remember too many people who have reached down and pulled themselves out of a dark place like you are doing now.
Puts you in the top 2 Sad. Excellent.
Thank you for being an inspiration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad,no way.
> I smell a rat,I hear a cop out from him.excuses are the order of the day for him.
> I see the compliments from him also.Its fake.
> He wants on your good side as much as he can.
> ...


Thanks Calvin. I needed this pep talk. I cried again a few minutes and I texted him and went off in a rant on him about how he treated me all year and he was carrying this on. He said I know, I deserve it.

So I called him. We talked for about 10 minutes and did end it on a good note but only because I pulled myself together because I didn't want him to feel the satisfaction of my hurt. I'm not sure it was a good thing I texted and called him. I wanted him to see how strong I was and how I wasn't letting it get to me, but damn it I was just so mad at the moment. I won't mess up again.

He did appologize again to me and admitted some more fault and that makes me feel better because I do believe he does feel like crap. However, there are moments when he becomes defensive and then I start feeling angry. I hold it in because I don't want him to know my true feeings as I feel it makes me vulnerable. 

I know I will be ok. I have had only two small breakdowns since Wednesday when this happened and have snapped out of them both rather quickly. Tonight was the first one I broke down and called and texted him. I won't let it happen again. As a matter of fact, when I feel this way, I am going to pm you Calvin. Is that ok?

Thank you for being so supportive.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

One more thing Calvin. The compliments being fake and him trying to get on my good side; why do you think he would be trying to do this? What would he gain? He had already wanted to proceed with divorce. Why would he care at this point what I thought or how I feel? 

Could he be reconsidering or could it have really woken his @ss up? It woke CSS's @ss up when you kicked her out, didn't it? (Sorry CSS, I know you did nothing compared to my husband. Just using you as an example of waking someone up.)


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So today, I knew my husband was taking my son to golf and would be gone a few hours so I called up my MIL and asked if I could talk to her. I told her everything. Everything that has happened the past 18 1/2 months including my own screw ups. I was 100% honest with her. She was absolutely appauld at what her son did and had absolutely no idea. She said he was at the house so much and didn't understand how so when he told me it was very casual, I suppose it was to an extent. We had a very good conversation. She held me and cried with me. She told me how much she loved me and missed me. I am pretty sure now that he has not told her anything all year. She has sworn secretacy to not breath one word of any of this to him so he does not know I told her. She was extremely supportive.

He dropped my DS off this evening and we talked face to face for about 10 minutes the first time in a year and a half about things other than what was going on. About ten minutes after he left, he sent me a text saying "thanks for talking with me when I dropped him off. I'm sorry if I seemed jittery. I was nervous and you seemed to be too. Hopefully the more we talk the better it will be. " Is he making an effort here?

The problem is I do love him. I still love him despite all this that has happened. Despite everything he did to me. I'm not feeling this cause I don't think I will find other love because I always have men hitting on me. Knowing my own personality, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel this way after knowing how he treated me and what he did with OW, right? Is this really love I still feel deeply for him or is it something else, part of co dependency? I mean, I know I can live on my own just fine; did for almost 19 months. I know I can find someone new but don't want someone new. I just feel I do want my husband back and want to repair this marriage and our family. We've been together a very long time.

I've forgiven but am still hurt. I don't think he is lying anymore about seeing her and do not think he will be involved with her again but also know it will never work with her still working in his business. His mother wants her gone too as she is disqusted with what happened. 

At 3 am I sent him and email telling him how I feel about our communications improving with her still working next to him. I just can't do it, so if he is truly remorseful, he will get rid of her, right? 

I am not sure at this point if he wants any thing to do with reconciliation but I know he wants to talk more and improve our communications. He has said that and is showing it and I don't know where improved communications will lead. I am trying to relax about all of it but feel a bit stressed. I know I should take it easy and take each day by day but feel quite stressed still about it. I am preparing myself with which ever way it goes but know I will not want anything going forward if the OW is still in his office. All I can do is see what time will tell, right? So here I am feeling like I'm just waiting again.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad.....NO!
Please,the crap he pulled.
Un hook Sad.If he loved or loves you, what he did would have not happened.
Dont ...just dont. 
You've made too much progess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sad,I feel sorry for your situation,something I know I couldn't deal with myself.I hope you find the off switch to the merry-go-round you're on soon and that you don't waste more of your time,if in the end your H is a hopeless cause as far as your marriage is concerned.Take care.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

It takes a lot of work for the Disloyal to reconcile and detach from the affair. Do not make it easy for him. Look how long he treated you so cold. Keep moving on with your life, if he wants you back he will do the work all by himself. I went through this myself, I rushed through reconciliation and it was a complete disaster!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> It takes a lot of work for the Disloyal to reconcile and detach from the affair. Do not make it easy for him. Look how long he treated you so cold. Keep moving on with your life, if he wants you back he will do the work all by himself. I went through this myself, I rushed through reconciliation and it was a complete disaster!


 
I know it would be lots of work on both our parts. I am prepared for that, I think. 

I know he treated me really bad during that time. I guess deep down I feel I deserved some of it. I told his mother every thing and she said I did not deserve this and to just not even go there. You are so right, I do need to keep moving on with my life....its the only way. Thank you for that reminder. I'll keep focusing on what I need to do with moving forward like getting my resume finished and job hunting again. 

"If he wants me back, he will have to do all the work himself." I guess I am feeling a bit guilty about this one still cause I know I caused some distrust issues too even though what he did was much worse. 

I need to break things down smaller....I guess I am getting ahead of myself and making myself anxious. Maybe stepping back again and seeing the big picture and concentrating on what I need to do for me to keep moving on with my life. Just hard to do with my mind spiraling with thoughts and emotions, constantly. I start getting anxious.

Thanks for your input. I'm not familar with your story. Is it posted on here?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> sad,I feel sorry for your situation,something I know I couldn't deal with myself.I hope you find the off switch to the merry-go-round you're on soon and that you don't waste more of your time,if in the end your H is a hopeless cause as far as your marriage is concerned.Take care.


I wish I could find the switch too. I know I am closer to it than I have ever been. I have made a lot of progress....just feel it slipping a bit. At least thoughts of OW didn't bother me too much today. I did feel really good about the conversation I had with my MIL. We were always very close but with what happened drifted us apart. Mostly because she would have been in the middle of it all but I know she loves me dearly and I know she is on my side so that helps a bit.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad.....NO!
> Please,the crap he pulled.
> Un hook Sad.If he loved or loves you, what he did would have not happened.
> Dont ...just dont.
> ...


 
I know I made a lot of progress. I've seen it so clearly the past few days. It is so damn hard Calvin. So hard leaving 22 years. We had so many good years. I guess I feel a bit guilty as I contributed to it as well. If I loved him, I shouldn't have been so vulnerable either that one incident during separation. I do realize that I was more remorseful and stopped it and always still treated him with love despite. I keep wondering that what if the past year and a half was such a life changing event and made us both realize what we had, what we did, what we lost and just what if we could rebuild and make our relationship better and more intimitly connected than it ever was, than most people can ever do? Just what if? I know there is the possibility too just as TBT said that what if I waste more of my time and my husband is just a lost cause as far as rebuilding the marriage is concerned. Just shoot me Calvin. Please. I'm so tired of this. I don't eat much and I have had so much stomach issues. 

Damn Calvin, I keep uttering your words... "No", "Unhook Sad". I keep trying to unhook....just can't seem to. I mean I do have closure to a point and I do feel relief finally and I have gained a lot of confidence the past few days, but still feel so much an attachment. 

I'm just going to try and take it day by day. Keep my plan of job hunting and keep working out and taking care of my son. All I can do, right? I will see how much he works towards regaining a friendship as the weeks go on. September 12th is our anniversay. I plan on giving him the signed divorce papers as a gift. I plan on giving him them and saying that I want him to be happy and that he can do with them what he pleases. If he goes through with it, then I know it is over. If he holds onto them, then I will give it more time mentally but at least I know there is nothing else I can do cause I signed the already filed papers. 

I do know for certain, I do demand two things to move forward for any thing to take place with him and that is OW gone from business and some conseling together. I will NOT do anything unless those two things happen.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I totally agree with Calvin. Forgetting _what_ your husband did for a minute, and just considering _how_ he did what he did it completely baffles me that you could possibly even entertain the idea of working on your marriage with him. You've only just regained your self-respect this week and you're going to give it away to him again. After what happened last time you know what will happen if you give away your self-respect to this man again: he will cheat and he will lie and he will hurt you.

Remember:
1) He _tortured_ you with your (one time) mistake in order to manipulate you into feeling guilty to justify his own affair.
2) He didn't divorce you and move on, but instead kept stringing you along as his backup plan even knowing how much you were suffering. You were suicidal.
3) He put your life at risk (the mother of HIS children) by becoming involved in a clearly unstable woman.

And he did all of this for over 19 MONTHS! It is a miracle that you, he, and your son are all still alive after all of this. I don't know you personally, but I think you have a good heart, you are a godly woman, and you value family and self-sacrifice, but if you reconcile with this man after what he has shown you he is capable of doing to you, has shown you how little he cares about you and has demonstrated how selfish he can be putting his own sexual desires above the mental and physical wellbeing of you and your son. If you chose to reconcile then your husband will know you will take whatever he does to you (you have no boundaries) and he will do this all over again. And the idea of someone with such a good heart needlessly suffering like you have suffered again, breaks my heart.

You've made it for 19 months with all of the uncertainty and confusion. Now that you both have your eyes wide open why not take 3-6 months and think about what you want for your life - don't talk to him about your relationship, your history, your future or anything not related to the raising of your son - and really use that time to consider everything you've experienced, keep working on yourself and developing your self-respect and sense of self as an individual, continue breaking the co-dependency, and plan out your next steps without the drama and emotions and desperate need that you're feeling now? Carefully consider your future, your son's future and even your husband's future and maybe you'll agree with me that you will all be better off ending your marriage, maybe you'll disagree but please take the time to really think about this before rushing to reconcile and basically asking your husband to treat you this way again. I really hate to imagine you and your son going through all of this again.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I totally agree with Calvin. Forgetting _what_ your husband did for a minute, and just considering _how_ he did what he did it completely baffles me that you could possibly even entertain the idea of working on your marriage with him. You've only just regained your self-respect this week and you're going to give it away to him again. After what happened last time you know what will happen if you give away your self-respect to this man again: he will cheat and he will lie and he will hurt you.
> 
> Remember:
> 1) He _tortured_ you with your (one time) mistake in order to manipulate you into feeling guilty to justify his own affair.
> ...


I have read this message over and over and am getting a lot out of it, especially the last two paragraphs. 

You know dazedguy, it baffles my mind too why I would even entertain it at this point. I don't know why I continue to make excuses for him. I know I am just enabling him. I did show him some weakness last night when I texted him and called him to ask how could he do all that. I did yell at him "in text" and he did admit he deserves it. I just gave him some power, didn't I? IDK....what is it I am seaching from him now....a comitment maybe to see if he truly is remorseful for his part in this? I think I will know if he fires this OW that he has known for like 15 years. I am hoping that it effects his good friend who is his employee and the recent exspouse of OW too so that it pushes her out the door. If he does it for me, then I know he is remorseful. I guess because he was a good man and faithful for 21 years before this and maybe he is right that I started this, that I just don't want to give up so easily. There is a chance still he doesn't want to reconcile anyway.

I pretty much have evidence that this affair with OW didn't start until about 7 to 8 months into separation so it's gone on for about a year of the almost 19 months. Something that he said that I think is still causing me guilt is he said I started this because of what I did (that is what lead him to the affair with OW). (I hear Calvin right now saying that is a copout Sad, Don't fall for it) I do take fault in some of it, but not how he treated me and blamed me. 

The backup plan really bothers me. I don't think his affair with her would have gone very far but I do wonder what kept making him string me along. I don't know if it is because he does really still care, or because of our son, or yeah, some sort of backup plan. Pisses me off to think of me being a backup plan. I don't think it was a backup plan for her though, but maybe him finding someone else but not her. She clearly is not relationship material...just used for a rump in the sack to forget his pain of getting over me. Well regardless, he won't ever be bringing her home to mommy after I told on his @ss today because I know my MIL would kick her right outta that family so fast. She would be hated by the whole family that loves me dearly. My husband would not give up his family for anyone. 

_"And the idea of someone with such a good heart needlessly suffering like you have suffered again, breaks my heart." _Thank you for this and for caring. The whole paragraph above that phrase says it all. All I am showing him is I have no self respect and no boundries. I have a hard time with boundries because I do exactly what you said above...have a huge heart for self-sacrifice. I do it with everyone, but have always done it in our relationship for him. It is probably one of the biggest characteristics of co-dependency I pocess. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want a relationship like that. 

I am printing the last paragraph out. It really gave me some direction. Its hard finding direction for one's self when their mind/emotions are all over the place. I think that 3 to 6 month time frame sounds like a good plan. I will not contact him anymore unless he contacts me. I'm not sure if I will be cold enough to shut him out with talking about stuff other than our son because he does want to improve communications and that is a start with him but I will not make contact with him next until he does with me. The other thing I will not do is break down with him again like last night. I was so proud of myself for how I have been handling all this and it makes me angry at myself that I slipped up. You are 100% right, I will continuing working on building up my self-esteem and taking care of me....molding myself into more of what I want to become. I think your last paragraph not only helped me with direction but what I need to ask God's assistance with....help and direction to keep moving forward and making me into a better person.

Thanks so much Dazedguy. I appreciate what you said so much. I am actually feeling much better after reading this and talking things through with you and the others. I think the advice you gave kicked my butt back into gear. You are so right, I need to concentrate on me...work on me....see what he does in the meantime to make up things to me for what he has done as i think I have worked very hard to fix what I did. I think I have paid the price. Great advice you gave!!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So i climbed into bed and i pray every night and i usually will read a bit from the bible. It contains such wisdom. So like always before reading i ask God to show me what i need to read and the wisdom to understand what message he is sending me. Tonight was Corinthians 5:7. Remove this evil cancer- this wicked person from among you so that you can stay pure.

Hmmmm....interesting advice. I want to know more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

My post is "False reconciliation, dealing with the hurt again". I was separated for 16 months and we reconciled over a year ago.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I read all of your posts from last night to myself this morning again. They seem to give me strength. I have decided if she is not fired from the business soon, i will go nc and there wont be much communication going forward. If she is dismissed, i will follow dazedguys schedule of 3 to 6 months and see what he does for what he did. I trust that all of you believe i have paid my dues for what i did. Its his turn right?

I hope you all don't mind, but i may post my thoughts and feelings on here when i am struggling so i don't relay them to him. They may be repetitive at times until i get through this or things sink in.

I am good today....i have my mind set on me and doing for me only. All of your support makes me stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Praying for you Sad,please think long and hard about this.I dont want to see you get hurt again.
It sucks,I know I couldnt go through what happened with me and CSS again,just too much pain.
I hope you give this a second thought and take a long hard look at this.What ever you choose to do I respect and support you Sad.
just be carefull
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Praying for you Sad,please think long and hard about this.I dont want to see you get hurt again.
> It sucks,I know I couldnt go through what happened with me and CSS again,just too much pain.
> I hope you give this a second thought and take a long hard look at this.What ever you choose to do I respect and support you Sad.
> just be carefull
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate that Calvin. I promise i will keep working on me. Dazedguy got to me. At this point i am moving on unless he shows me otherwise. 

I feel very confused by him and what he actually wants. 
It' s as if he wants to work on the marriage but doesn't offer anything else to rebuild but I do not have to be friends if we divorce. It is like he still wants to be friends but doesn't want to work on the marriage. To me that shows he is not remorseful or serious. I am not sure how deeply my heart could love but I do know that there are men that have been treated like crap and would die to have the respect and kindness that I showed him for many years. I have a lot to offer in a relationship with someone who wants it but i want it back too. 

I will not go by his words but rather his actions.

I can only hope that his employees all who know me and my personality will see the dishonor he has portrayed to me and will give him a hard time so that he fully snaps the hell out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I read, prayed and worked out at the health club today. I am now home trying to do some cleaning before my DS gets home from school. I plan on working on my resume for a bit this evening. 

I am in a dire need of hugs from TAMers. I am feeling some saddness and pain this afternoon like I felt Saturday night. I'm not suicidal at all like I was all year so the depression is not as bad. Guess I'm just having a moment. It is like it is a whole new set of grounds for saddness. I dealt with my issues and the splitup and now I have to deal with his deceit. 

I keep reading what I wrote this morning "I will not go by his words but rather his actions." I hope it really sinks in my brain. 
I feel a bit of anxiety as I am anxciously waiting to see if weather he gets rid of her or not. If I mean more to him then he will. If not I guess that is my answer and I will submit the final set of divorce papers. I have decided two things....I am willing to compromise and work on healing communications between us even if it doesn't lead to anything but divorce but I will not do it if she continues to stay in the business. I will not. I am 100% certain I will not.

I find myself more attractive than her but feel like I am questioning what she had that I didn't other than a quick [email protected]@k with no strings attached kind of a thing to help heal his own self esteem without any responsibility. How many of you men out there on this board would do that? I mean how would you feel about it afterwards? Is it truly what I said, just a quick thing to build your self esteem for you men? I think women do it for that emotional attachment. Just the feeling of being appreciated and paid attention to. I just can't figure out why he did this. It isn't even so much about the affair as the way he treated me.

"sigh" I don't want to go back to before this all came out. I just can't. I am rereading dazedguys post. I have to give myself time to see what happens with him, right? See if he fires her first and formost, right? Part of me feels if she had shot me maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this and it would not only be over between them but he would feel the true pain of what he caused. Then I think of my beautiful son who adores me more than anyone in this whole world. 

Just need a hug friends!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*HUGS*

I was told, that when you sleep with someone, you take a part of them with you every time. He has been sleeping with posOW for how long?

She pulls a gun on you and THAT is her type of character? She is knowingly banging her boss at work knowing the back history of his marriage? 

Do you really want to R with someone who now has some of those wonderful things inside of them? I mean look at how he treated you for 19 months!! I think I can definately say she rubbed off on him.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> *HUGS*
> 
> I was told, that when you sleep with someone, you take a part of them with you every time. He has been sleeping with posOW for how long?
> 
> ...


 
As much as that hurts, I know you are correct. Just hurts hearing it, but I know that I need to. I need to hear it over and over and over. Just like dazedguy and Calvin last night. I'm sorry if I am repetitive on here for support, I just need it to keep sinking in. I know I am doing well and in a much stronger better place....just a few back slides despite what all has happened. I can at least say, I am not suicidal but feel like I could kill someone else now but at least I know I won't act on those feelings. 

Hey, vi before bride stand for very important???

Thank you for the hugs and the slap in the face. I needed that.

Funny, one day later and he just texted me and said hi and asked how our morning was as it was my son's first day back to school. That was a first. I'm not sure if he is trying here or not. Ugh....I know....tell me not to care please until I see hard evidence of remorse and actions. I did make it a point to wait an hour to respond and said oh sorry, I was working out at the health club. Funny thing is, I can drop the few pounds I put on the past year and a half and tone up just like I was, but nothing she can do to fix her ugly face that is for sure and forget personality.....that is already shown through her actions.

Thanks vibride.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Bandit left me some 2x4's Sad...but I'll use the real ones on a co-worker who is driving me nuts today.
If he was serious att all she would haved done been gone,she's easy and looking to also get something out of this at anyones expense.
Yeah aa lot of men would be with her because I guess it makes them feel like a stud.
They dont see the ramifications dont the road or dont care.
I remember when CSS said we should date other people...ugh...I didnt want no part of it,I didnt ask to and wouldnt...even with her "permission" 7-8 months ago.Besides a lot of people get hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Bandit left me some 2x4's Sad...but I'll use the real ones on a co-worker who is driving me nuts today.
> If he was serious att all she would haved done been gone,she's easy and looking to also get something out of this at anyones expense.
> Yeah aa lot of men would be with her because I guess it makes them feel like a stud.
> They dont see the ramifications dont the road or dont care.
> ...


 
Thing is Calvin she isn't even pretty. Makes me want to vomit. I guess I should be glad as I know it was nothing really there between them. I am fighting the urge to want to look in her eyes and just strangle her and I hate that feeling because there is no way in hell I am that kind of a person to even have such thoughts. Damn him for putting those in my head. I can only pray God feels my head with pleasant thoughts.

See you are a good man Calvin! I want someone with some moral and good values like that. You are right, people only get hurt later on. Don't ever change Calvin. 

Yes, please just hit me with that 2 x 4. I not only deserve it but need it. Had to laugh at your comment regarding the employee getting on your nerves.

I will only give him two weeks to come to his senses and get rid of her. He knows how I feel and I will not go forward with working on communications with her there still wondering what is going on. Still disgusted by the images I saw. If you are truly remorseful then show it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> As much as that hurts, I know you are correct. Just hurts hearing it, but I know that I need to. I need to hear it over and over and over. Just like dazedguy and Calvin last night. I'm sorry if I am repetitive on here for support, I just need it to keep sinking in. I know I am doing well and in a much stronger better place....just a few back slides despite what all has happened. I can at least say, I am not suicidal but feel like I could kill someone else now but at least I know I won't act on those feelings.
> 
> Hey, vi before bride stand for very important???
> 
> ...


#1) Don't *ever *appologize for being repetative or whatever!! TAM is here for a safe place to vent. Repeat anything you are having problems with. ITs only through talking about it and dealing and facing those feelings that you will be able to fully heal and move on 

#2) I know its hard, very hard, but try not to read into anything that he says. Any word or phrase you get hung up on will sit in your mind and fester. I am dealing with something similar due to a run in I had with my ex on Friday. Broke down this morning...just some of the things he said are sitting in my mind festering all this nasty emotion inside of me. Crying really helped

#3) Crying helps release alot of stuff  just make sure to follow up with some good laughs somehow. While its good to mourn and be upset, it is even more beneficial to LAUGH. You will think I'm crazy until you start to have a little bit of fun with your friends or support system

#4) Don't ever compare yourself with posOW....ever. You guys are 2 completely different people. Whatever your WH saw in her, do you really want to know? Would you give up a part of yourself to have that certain characteristic? NO? ok then, don't compare 

#5) VI_Bride did mean something to me very special, especially when I first joined TAM since I was looking for help to get back on track with my marriage. VI stands for Virigin Islands. Me and STBXH were married on the beach on St. John, just the 2 of us. 10 day honeymoon...ya know, good stuff. Think I will need to change my username soon 

Stay strong, sad. You are doing good. The hardest part is going to be not to feed into his ego. You do that everytime you respond emotionally to him. NC...NC NC NC unless its about your son. He will be looking for more attention from you, especially if the posOW is really starting to fade from his life. He will want that constant ego boost from somewhere. 

Remember, he is a cheater and a liar. He is selfish. He left you in the dark for 19 months. Now its your turn to leave him in the dark. 

I will have to re-read your thread, but what was it that you did that was so "bad" that he blamed his actions on that for so long? I mean, I don't think I remember you screwing around with your friends ex husband who liked to carry concealed weapons and pull them on people....


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad I would'nt give him two minutes let alone two weeks,if he was serious he would have been back at your front door on his knees begging for a chance.
Dont worry about the 2x4s Sad,I've never hit a lady.
My co-worker on the other hand....he's drinking expired milk out of the dumpster that the vending company threw out today,he's done this befor.
Ugh,cant fix stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

calvin said:


> Sad I would'nt give him two minutes let alone two weeks,if he was serious he would have been back at your front door on his knees begging for a chance.
> Dont worry about the 2x4s Sad,I've never hit a lady.
> My co-worker on the other hand....he's drinking expired milk out of the dumpster that the vending company threw out today,he's done this befor.
> Ugh,cant fix stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, off topic...but

*EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!*


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad I would'nt give him two minutes let alone two weeks,if he was serious he would have been back at your front door on his knees begging for a chance.
> Dont worry about the 2x4s Sad,I've never hit a lady.
> My co-worker on the other hand....he's drinking expired milk out of the dumpster that the vending company threw out today,he's done this befor.
> Ugh,cant fix stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ewww....lmao :rofl: Too funny about co worker.

I know Calvin. All he is doing is making me wonder again and how can I do that after someone did what they did and treated me that way. I am not even sure what he wants. He didn't say reconciliation, he just said improve communications going forward. What the hell does that mean? Means he wants to continue on with the divorce but be friends still? I just don't understand it and now I let it eat away at me again. Damn it. I feel a bit crazed now. I actually feel for the first time I could guage his eyes out. I am trying to fully forgive him and he is only making it more difficult. You all are right, what a peice of crap.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thinks he's trying to buy time for some reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Thinks he's trying to buy time for some reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
I don't know what for. Makes me sick and crazy. I'm so anxious today. I'm just going to keep talking here. I am not contacting him and I am not going to keep being so forgiving. I told him in a very long email that regardless of going through divorce or working things out, if he seeks improved communications, I simply can not do it with her still in the office. I said by you allowing her to continue there shows me you truly have no remorse for what you have done. Her being there will create many problems going forward even after if we finalize this divorce. I told him Its just not a good situation with her continuing to stay there. I can forgive you and work my ass off restoring our relationship even as just friends and parent of "son" and respect any future relationships you may have but only if you can commit 100% now too. I feel too much rage for her and knowing you still have 100% contact with her every day will not heal any of us. Going forward as divorced parents will create too much difficulty and pain for me to still communicate like friends with her there. 

I sent that Saturday night. I am waiting still to hear back from him. He had our son the weekend so I know he didn't really have a chance to deal with it yet but we'll see over the course of the week. If I matter to him and his child does, then he will get rid of her. 

If he doesn't I want absolutely nothing to do with him; not even coparenting. I'll do it myself.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Sad...

I agree with the others here. Please do not try to read into his words.

People _show_ us what is important to them through their actions. People spend time on things that are important to them.

It sounds like your husband is very much playing the part of the victim. I saw that you mentioned that you thought he was taking responsibilities for his actions...but, I don't know if I see that. :scratchhead: I see him making a lot of hallow statements...and focusing how all this has affected _him_ and _his_ life and _his_ career. He sort of has a "victim" mentality. He is feeling sorry for himself on how his life has been turned upside down. ...he is feeling sorry for himself on how his image has been tarnished at his business. 

Try not to read into his words. I was guilty of doing the same thing with my ex. What helped me was every time I had to communicate with him, if he started to talk about his "feelings" or if he gave me a hallow apology for his wrongdoings, I would just envision water rolling off a duck's back. His words meant nothing...I didn't want them to penetrate my brain...so, I would pretend that his words were rolling off my brain like water off a duck's back.

Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I just dont see any respect or remorse coming from him.
Almost quitin time,time to hit the showers...I stink. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> Hey Sad...
> 
> I agree with the others here. Please do not try to read into his words.
> 
> ...


 
I can't say I haven't been bothered by him not being more clearly sorry for his actions. I agree fully heartidly with your analysis of him. I keep telling myself to ignore his words and see how his actions are. We talked about meeting at Panera Sunday to talk. I will not say anything about it all week and if he says anything, I am just going to simply ask him if she is gone from the business and when he says no, then I will say then no, I am not meeting. I have developed enough confidence to tell him no at this point so I won't go back on my word. If she is fired, then I will gladly meet and try and improve our communications at least for my son's sake. 

When I talk to him next, I will think about that water rolling off the duck's back analogy. 

I'm just tired of dealing with it all, but I know it is almost all over one way or another.

Thanks JPR!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

OMG!!!!

Remember I told you guys I set up a profile with no intention of doing anything with it....just to check and see what is out there. Well two days ago, I decided to upload my picture and guess what....first off I have 100 emails out there....LMAO. But the one guy out of 100's on that site that I said I was attracted to and he sounds exactly what I want in a person....emailed me with the headline...."Hello He Shoots and Scores" OMG....I put my like of hockey on my profile. He had me with Scores! (but not in the sexual I want to hump you way...lol)

Just what I needed to boost my self esteem a bit. I can't believe there is an email from him. The one guy out of hundreds I would be so interested in and he emails me.  

Now I have to figure out what to do and if I should respond. I was honest that I was going through divorce and just looking.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Opps, I got to turn off the instant chat feature. I just had a 26 year old guy from my neighborhood pop up and ask if I want to chat. (A little too young for me, but damn I'm impressed he must of liked this 41 year olds photo. Yep, I don't think I will have nearly as big as a problem as my arrogant and prideful husband in the future.

I think my husband's clock is now ticking.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok...so I was cleaning up the dishes after I made dinner for my son and was quite angry at my husband. I didn't even eat dinner. I had no lunch and a just a peice of watermellon for breakfast. It has been this way for 2 weeks now. I do not feel hungry at all. So with the anger and the thought of what all this is doing to me, I decided to open my account on the profile site. I had a few odd guys out there replying but I had some really nice guys email me. I had a very good looking 33 year old guy email me. I was quite flattered. He said he really liked my honesty in my profile so that made me feel good. He liked we had a lot in common. I did write that I had been separated for a year and a half and in the process of divorce now. I really just was honest about everything and just wrote about who I am. I wonder if he saw I was 41....lol Poor kid, got so much in life to learn yet. I've had others tell me I would absolutely have no problem getting attention from them based on both my looks and profile. I'm flattered but the email from my secret crush I had for the past month that emailed me with the subject line Hello, He shoots and Scores said "you will be my last date ever". Awww....still had me at the subject line. I did reply back to him. I just said I bet you tell all the girls that.

I feel guilty for activating the account but at least I know I could be wanted by someone. If I talk more with my secret crush, I would be honest with him that I am not quite ready to date.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So going forward. If I sign the divorce papers, is there any way I can get some sort of restraining order like PFA so she is not allowed near my son? Any body have any information on that?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> So going forward. If I sign the divorce papers, is there any way I can get some sort of restraining order like PFA so she is not allowed near my son? Any body have any information on that?


Was a police report made when POS pulled the gun?Sounds like she instigated it.
Be carefull and choosey with a man Sad,dont settle and dont let stbx play anymore head games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Was a police report made when POS pulled the gun?Sounds like she instigated it.
> Be carefull and choosey with a man Sad,dont settle and dont let stbx play anymore head games.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
A police report was filed. Essentially she had the right to press charges against me which is stupid just because I went to her place of business which is really half owned by me because it is my husband's business. Even though I did nothing but said I wanted to talk and she pulled the gun out on me and I defended myself, she could press charges. It really makes no sense but is the law. I spent a long time talking to the police chief who told me in confidence things he caught her in a lie with that I could use against her. She declined pressing charges; I figured because she knows she lied.

I talked to him for about 45 minutes tonight. We have decided the divorce is probably going through. I am signing and dating them with a date listed as 90 days after the date I received them because you can't finalize the process as there is a 90 day waiting period after being filed. That brings us to a November date. At this point in time, we both agreed on a divorce but agreed to be communicable to see if it would lead to a friendship again. I told him ok, but I am preparing myself for being done with the marriage. It just isn't worth it anymore. Only I seem to be the one who would put any effort into it. Just pissed at starting my whole life over again after 22 years together. 

The OW is probably going to go. She doesn't seem to want to be there and has been leaving the office half days because she can't deal with it. Apparently from my understanding the employees are upset at what happened which is understandable as well as I do believe my husband's and her honor has been tarnished. I do believe some feel bad for me from what I got out of him. She is considering leaving the company anyway, but my husband hasn't ruled out dismissing her either.

So what dazedguy told me is what I am going to do and that is work on me, assume its over, find a job and move on in hopes of finding happiness again one day.

Don't worry Calvin....no dating really for me for a long time. I ended up canceling and deactivating the account. I really want no parts of it until I am 100% well again. It is something I am just doing for me.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

It is so late again and I just can not sleep. I don't sleep anymore....maybe if I am lucky 5 hours at the most and I just don't eat. I don't know how I ever got to the place I am in. Feeling really down tonight. I am glad looks like OW will be gone so at least that helps but just so sad my husband did this and never gave our marriage a chance. Talking to him I have to pull every bit of information I can out of him because he just always sounds so confused and makes no sense with what he is feeling. Like he doesn't want to admit any truth about what he is feeling. I do think he cares about me still but I don't think there is true love there any more, he just let it slip away. I am trying not to care. I just wish I could skip ahead another year or two and be where ever my life is suppose to end up. I feel so stressed as I have so many new changes and a lot of work ahead of me. He says he doesn't want the stress of thinking about our relationship but just wants to communicate and keep working on that and see if it turns into friendship. So I am left with the choice of do I want this or just say screw it. It is hard enough after what he did and then to not know where the relationship will go. I could be working my ass off and then divorced a few months later anyway. Just sucks. I need to find a way to take my control back. I let it get away again.

I know I am rambling but better on here than with him. 

I am saying a prayer tonight for everyone on TAM.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Take care Sad,you'll get there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks Calvin. I hope i get there quickly. I am not only tired but feeling very weak and am developing many health issues. I just cant eat. The thought of swallowing food makes me so nauseated and ill. I am just going to keep pushing through. I am not going to sink back to where i was. I am very tired today. Slept about 4 hours last night. I just wish i could do it soundly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> It is so late again and I just can not sleep. I don't sleep anymore....maybe if I am lucky 5 hours at the most and I just don't eat. I don't know how I ever got to the place I am in. Feeling really down tonight. I am glad looks like OW will be gone so at least that helps but just so sad my husband did this and never gave our marriage a chance. *Talking to him I have to pull every bit of information I can out of him because he just always sounds so confused and makes no sense with what he is feeling. Like he doesn't want to admit any truth about what he is feeling*. I do think he cares about me still but I don't think there is true love there any more, he just let it slip away. I am trying not to care. I just wish I could skip ahead another year or two and be where ever my life is suppose to end up. I feel so stressed as I have so many new changes and a lot of work ahead of me. *He says he doesn't want the stress of thinking about our relationship but just wants to communicate and keep working on that and see if it turns into friendship*. So I am left with the choice of do I want this or just say screw it. It is hard enough after what he did and then to not know where the relationship will go. I could be working my ass off and then divorced a few months later anyway. Just sucks. I need to find a way to take my control back. I let it get away again.
> 
> I know I am rambling but better on here than with him.
> 
> I am saying a prayer tonight for everyone on TAM.


Sad, your WH is a cake eater, plain and simple. Or just has the emotional maturity of a 15yr old. 

You shouldn't have to pull ANY information out of him. He should be spilling his guts (IMO) after what happened if he TRUELY wanted you and and marriage. Especially after the posOW confrontation!

You are too mature, beautiful, articulate, Godly, and warmhearted for him to handle. Keep moving forward and find a real MAN, not a BOY.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Sad, your WH is a cake eater, plain and simple. Or just has the emotional maturity of a 15yr old.
> 
> You shouldn't have to pull ANY information out of him. He should be spilling his guts (IMO) after what happened if he TRUELY wanted you and and marriage. Especially after the posOW confrontation!
> 
> You are too mature, beautiful, articulate, Godly, and warmhearted for him to handle. Keep moving forward and find a real MAN, not a BOY.


Thanks VIBride. I understand that and know it too. I just feel a bit responsible. I had a thread on here called Broken. I deleted about a month ago. Essentially what happened is we suffered a lot of stress the previous two years and started drifting apart. He became so wrapped up in work and i was extremely lonely, something i have shared with him many times. I started spending time on facebook and started conversing with an old high school acquaintance. We talked about life and our marriages and kids. I was sinking in my own depression due to years of abuse as a child and illness i took 5 years to recover from and the death of my sister. My loneliness grew and he became more distant as i withdrew. I started confiding personal things to this former classmate; things that hurt me deeply in my marriage. Eventually he started using my vulnerability and started manipulating me. He started exchanging some sexual comments/references and i let it go on for awhile. Despite having no physical nor emotional connection to him, i still let him talk like that to me because i was so lonely and disparate for someone to listen to me. I take full responsibility for that. My husband was reading the emails. I hate facebook. Its an evil tool that has preyed on many marriages. I will never have an account again. 

One day we argued, i told him to just go stay with his mom awhile. Before i knew fully he was reading my emails and immediately after he left, i deleted my fb account, stopped immediately all contact with this person, even changed my phone number on my cell. There was no EA going on. I could care less about this other person but i was wrong for confided personal information to him about my marriage. I know now i should have sought therapy. 

So after he left, for many months he would not talk to me. He rejected every kind thing i did, every attempt to make things right. I started spiraling out of control with depression. I understood i hurt him with some things i said but what had happened at that point was not enough to shut me out and end a 22 year relationship.

I ached daily to communicate with him but he wouldn't. Four months into separation, (therapist 2nd one) wasn't helping so i sought a support group for separation and divorce on meetup.com. It was the worse thing i could possibly have done. It was nothing but a meet market. Really no support. I 
met a nice guy who was going through divorce and farther along than i was
We talked many weeks via email and a few phone calls and i saw him at a few of the meetups. I told him i wasn't going to them any more as i had men hitting on me constantly and found no support there. 

I had a really hard time with my husband not communicating with me (part of why i am not a big fan of the 180). I would breakdown every time he would come and pick our son up and leave. One particular time on a Friday he came and left and i could not control the depression. I went to my husband tool chest, got a razor blade, sought how to properly cut my wrist so it would be successful. Become quite distraught over pictures of it, i called the person from the support group and he talked me down and got me to agree to meet him at starbucks to get out of the house and the situation i was in. Having starting to cry in public we left and went to his place. He was vulnerable and hurting too. We cried, he held me, he kissed me and we slept together. It wasn't anything intense or spetacular....just mostly him holding me and me crying. It should have been my husband, i needed my husband. Afterwards i felt like a worthless piece of crap. Worse than that because at least crap is recycled into nutrients. I conversed with this person a few more weeks mainly crying more over my husband. I was ridden with so much guilt from what i did that i called this person up and told him. I told him i did not love him and it was a huge mistake. I told him many times i had loved my husband and he knew. I told him because what had happened i didn't feel we should continue the friendship. He said he was very sorry he felt he made things worse. He agreed we could no longer communicated as it was hurting my progress and that he had been hurting me more than helping me. That was pretty much the last time we spoke. That happened about 6 months into separation and all the coldness and rejection from my husband. My guilt pain and depression grew and so did my suicidal tendencies. I sought a new therapist, the 3rd one. I started getting thing out from my childhood that was hurting me. I told her everything i did and that happened. It was finally relief to let all my secrets out....the years of abuse by my alcoholic father, being raped by a boy two years older when i was 14....i told her everything. I started working on me but still very distraught and still very unstable. My husband still not talking to me at the one year mark, isought more help through a church that sponsored divorce care. The Pastor and his wife and a few others were so helpful and so supportive. I was learning about myself and i was developing a closer relationship with God. However i was still so grief stricken and guilty for what i did that i couldn't handle my mistake that 6 months into separation. I continued trying to work on me. I started learning a great deal about forgiveness and what it truly means only i still couldn't forgive myself for what i did and the pain i caused my husband. However, God was working in me, he was touching my soul.

So you see VIbride, you wanted to know what i did. I hurt my husband so deeply with my loneliness, depression, insecurities and selfishness that i feel responsible for his somewhat year long affair. The only difference is i admit fault and take 100% responsibility for my actions. I have worked building me the past year. I have been true to God, to my husband, and finally to myself. It was i that caused this. It was his lack of communication that hurt it more.

I don't consider my self anything spetacular with being a Godly person. I made a huge sin. I believe God has finally forgiven me and with recent events i believe i have forgiven myself but have not forgotten my role in all this. I can only take what i have learned and continue improving myself and continue learning and becoming closer to God as it just makes me a better person. So you see, i dont consider myself this great Godly person, just a good hearted person trying to make me a better person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad, there is alot I want to say to your post...but can't right now. 

I just think your WH used everything you just said as an excuse to continue his behavior. I think the affair started before he read your FB messages and probably even before you really started chatting with that guy. The way he has made you feel over the past 19 months for those "actions"...really got in your head didn't it??? 

You went to him with concern. He ignored your concern. He had time right there to fix the marriage. Its always been about him, hasn't it? (think about that question and your marriage with him)


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Sad, there is alot I want to say to your post...but can't right now.
> 
> I just think your WH used everything you just said as an excuse to continue his behavior. I think the affair started before he read your FB messages and probably even before you really started chatting with that guy. The way he has made you feel over the past 19 months for those "actions"...really got in your head didn't it???
> 
> You went to him with concern. He ignored your concern. He had time right there to fix the marriage. Its always been about him, hasn't it? (think about that question and your marriage with him)


I do not believe my husband prior to this was ever unfaithful. I do have pretty much proof this started about 7 to 8 months into our separation after what I had done. I do know I hurt him deeply.

What I am certain of is a lot of things are always about him. They always have been. He is an amazing provider and always honest up to this point, but he was always selfish too. He did what he wanted to do. He spent not much time with me and we never enjoyed conversations that married couples are suppose to unless it involved sex. Our sex life was quality and not really lacking anything but our emotional connection was very small. I satisfied his sexual needs and he just wasn't my emotional needs for quite some time now. 

The way he treated me for what I did this past year and a half did get to me mentally. It tore me apart. It made me suicidal. It took every good thing inside me and shredded it apart to all I was left with was misery and pain. I am not a bad person. I am quite the opposite. I was never unfaith in that 22 years and he knows how I feel about that. I made a horrible mistake out of poor mental health, neediness and selfishness. The infidelity on my part, was out of loss and rejection from my husband during separation. I believe it would never have happened if two things happened: 1...I found a good therapist/support like I have had over the past year and 2...He would have communicated with me. 

My husband has a history of ignoring my concerns. He has hurt me deeply a few times in those 22 years but we had many more wonderful things about our marriage too. I think what started my spiral out of control is two to three years into my illness which was almost a decade ago now, I was out to dinner alone with him. We hadn't done much in those two years because I was quite ill. I suffered a lot of pain and neurological issues but the biggest was tinnitus (ringing in my ears constantly) and dizziness coupled with constant migraine. It was a particularly hard day as my symptoms of dizziness and distort vision was very bad. I remember a conversation I begun as I was quite sad I was still battling this illness almost 3 years later. I was very out of focus visually there in the restaurant and it was bothering me. I said to him "Just what if this never resolves and I have to live with this for the rest of my life." A tear rolled down my cheek that I quickly wiped away. He looked at me and said in a stern voice, stop that right now before people starting looking at us and think I am doing something mean to you. That was the worst thing he had ever said to me. It hurt and I just tried to push it out of the way but as I grew stronger and healthier from illness, other issues started arising particularly the lonlieness I was feeling.

So yes, in a way it has been about him a lot. However, he has always been a good provider, a generous man, humourous and trustworthy but by no means did he ever cheat on me. He came home from work and despite golfing or playing baseball or going to a football game, I always knew where he was. He didn't go to bars ever and was usually home on weekends unless he has a work related function or sports of some kind. 

It is just a very messed up situation. I will probably be in therapy the rest of my life. I know I have been helped tremendously in some areas but have so much still to over come.

Thank you for listening.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I totally agree with Calvin. Forgetting _what_ your husband did for a minute, and just considering _how_ he did what he did it completely baffles me that you could possibly even entertain the idea of working on your marriage with him. You've only just regained your self-respect this week and you're going to give it away to him again. After what happened last time you know what will happen if you give away your self-respect to this man again: he will cheat and he will lie and he will hurt you.
> 
> Remember:
> 1) He _tortured_ you with your (one time) mistake in order to manipulate you into feeling guilty to justify his own affair.
> ...


Just wanting to bump this up. It is such a supportive email and helps me a lot to reread it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am all snuggled in bed and was thinking i will not contact him at all tomorrow. I am feeling pretty strong again. Sad but stronger if that makes any sense
My emotions are all over the place at different times of the day. This all crazy. Guess it was the butt kicking by you girls today that knocked some sense back in me. Thank you all for keeping me together today.

I actually was lying here thinking of my secret crush on the dating site. LoL. I wonder if he would treat me better. 

Good night all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok....i just got an evil thought....i am thinking 10 days she's not gone pics start going public....i am thinking i print one stick it in an envelope and send it to her with a note....get out or picks go public! 

LOL. God forgive me for my evil thoughts but she picked the wrong person to mess with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The Ten Laws of Boundaries « Falling Forward

Try this link sad and have a good night.

Btw,this is a perspective on the book "Boundaries".Thought you might find it helpful.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The sad but stronger feeling Sad,yeah I know how you feel,watch it with putting those pics out there,I would want to do that also but it might get you in some legal trouble,ask your lawyer about that one.
I feel like your H does'nt deserve another chance or you .
I thing about 60-70% of all men can be jerks so be picky,there are some decent guys out there.
I dont think you have anything to lose by giving your secret crush a try,maybe talk on the phone a few times and try a couple dates,see what he's like.Just be careful.
Youre a good woman Sad and deserve to be treated with respect and love.
Hang in there Sad,I wish you'd find someone who doesnt play these head games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> The sad but stronger feeling Sad,yeah I know how you feel,watch it with putting those pics out there,I would want to do that also but it might get you in some legal trouble,ask your lawyer about that one.
> I feel like your H does'nt deserve another chance or you .
> I thing about 60-70% of all men can be jerks so be picky,there are some decent guys out there.
> I dont think you have anything to lose by giving your secret crush a try,maybe talk on the phone a few times and try a couple dates,see what he's like.Just be careful.
> ...


I wouldnt really do that with those pics....just an evil thought....bahaaaaa.

I woke up today focused on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I wouldnt really do that with those pics....just an evil thought....bahaaaaa.
> 
> I woke up today focused on me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's great Sad! 

We are here for you today if he starts creeping into your head again....

What are your plans for YOU this fine Wednesday?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi VIBride

My plans for today....i am spending the first hour praying and meditating, then i am going to the gym and then working on my resume and my son has hockey practice tonight so it will be a busy day.

I can't stop thinking he is not sorry if she is still there. He emailed me a bunch last night but i feel today i dont want to talk if she is still there. I will not continue working on communications if she continues working there. He will loose a lot in his sons life if it continues. 

I keep praying my negative thoughts towards her fades but right now i feel like hurting her. I dont mean violently, more like emotionally like i was hurt. I think she is being scorned a bit at work by some of the guys so hopefully God is taking care of her for me. I deep down see her leaving but i guess i want my husband to do it. I want to see his true remorse for what he did.

I vowed nc with him unless he contacts me. I gave him a total of 2 weeks for her to be gone and then i will go dark. I will not give in because i feel anger in me building. 

I appreciate you being there if i need you. Thank you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I hurt so much. I just feel i want a normal life back. I just want a job and to move out of this house. How do i pull my son out of a school he loves to move away when he is hurting too? I just want to erase him from my brain. What do you do with all the things in your home? Obviously it cant be brought to an apartment. I am so stressed. Am i trying to fix too much at once?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Yes


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad, 1 day at a time...

You made a time frame of 2 weeks before NC. Give yourself those 2 weeks to take a step back and focus on yourself, your feelings, your attitude, your physical well being and your spiritual well being. 

Don't give away your thoughts to him. Focus on you and your son. The more thoughts you give him, the more power he will start to have over you. And trust me, I am trying to take my own advice on that currently....it is difficult but if you have a phrase that can snap you out of it like "I'm not ok with being treated that way" or something it helps.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Yes


Yes to trying to fix too much at once?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> Yes to trying to fix too much at once?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely.

You're overwhelming yourself.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Yes Sad, you don't need to fix anything!!! Just try to process your thoughts and feelings...thats it. Don't worry about finding solutions right now. You gave yourself 2 weeks...so give yourself 2 weeks to come up with a game plan and nothing more.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am overwhelmed so much. I feel so stressed that I am shaking. I don't know where to start so I can just get him away from me. 

I hurt so much that she is still working in that office. It has been one week now today. I haven't asked him about her since Monday and he has not said anything to me about it. 

I can't concentrate knowing she is still there. It is the worst betrayal I could imagine because of how he treated me, how he was doing that, how it was her of all people when in the past I said I didn't like how close she tried to be to him. He may have been innocent back then, but how could he do that with her knowing how I felt. 

I want to honestly believe he is remorseful but she is still there. He told me Monday, things are being worked out about it. Am I being too impatient?

If he is serious about just improving communications if all it is for is for our son, then wouldn't he get rid of her knowing I told him I won't with her? I have been trying extremely hard but this is really getting to me. Someone said I need to give it a bit of time to get her out of there because she is a long term employee and an important role in the business.

IDK....I never seemed to matter to him. Guess this is just another example.

So where do I start first? I exercised today. i didn't want to but I did. I wanted to lay in bed and cry but I didn't. I pushed myself and I did it, but I still feel like I'd like to go to sleep even after exercise. 

Do I just concentrate on getting my resume together so I can get it circulating? Would that be your first steps? Do I just go file myself and be done with it instead? My mind is so shot. I keep thinking if I just hear from him then I will know he is at least thinking of me and how I am feeling after all this. He emailed me back and forth a few times last night. IDK....just not enough remorse is what I sense. Others say I read in to things too much. Do I just let the papers for divorce just sit there and solely concentrate on job hunting instead and whatever happens happens?

I'm sorry, I am just in full panic mode. 

I have been off the antidepressant for a week now. My neurologist thought it could have been contributing to suicide tendencies. I came off it extremely slow but haven't taken any at all in a week. Conrad, your a pharmacist? When do withdrawl symptoms usually start? As soon as a week later? I did come off it very slowly. My neurologist has me mixing 10 20mg caps in 200cc's of cranberry juice and I take so many teaspoons per night. Essentially, I went from 20mg to 15mg to 10mg and then off it. It is an SSRI. It has taken quite a while to come down off of it. I don't believe it is withdrawl rather than the actual situation that is taking place.

I wish I could just get a grip.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Withdrawal starts right away.

But, it's characterized by anxiety.

Why did you stop the medication?

If it were me in your place, I'd dig in on the resume.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Withdrawal starts right away.
> 
> But, it's characterized by anxiety.
> 
> ...


 
My neurologist thought maybe it was contributing to my suicidal tendencies. They started when i increased about a year ago to the full 20mg. I couldn't go up any more because of increase odd symptoms....headaches, dizziness, visual issues. Then my depression was getting worse so we tried coming back down to 15mg where I was before....still lots of issues then decided to try coming off it. I tried a few different ones but could only tolerate prozac. We talked about me trying another one but I really don't want to. Coming off it, despite my panic mode now and mixed emotions, I am thinking a bit clearer.....no foggy feeling from the meds.

The resume is what I am going to do. I trust your opinion. You have a good head. 

I just with I could relax.

Thanks for talking to me. I seem to be calming down a bit. I just want to fix myself from all this for my son's well being. He has put up with so much. He is the most wonderful and amzaing little boy who is well beyond his years in age.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- I promise you can do this. I am in the same boat.

I made the decision the week I threw him out that the only way I can move on is to leave the house we bought together and start over fresh in a new town. My children will be devastated over leaving their school and friends. They will probably hate me too. I have already started to prepare them for this. I have to do it so I can be the best mother to them . They deserve to have the only parent caring for them to be strong and healthy. The memories overwhelm me right now, knowing my husband is across town screwing some woman and not caring about his wife and kids. A friend of mine did the same thing several years ago and doesn't regret it for a second. Kids are resiliant . We are the parents and need to make the tough decisions right now. Waiting out an affair is pointless.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

.......things are being worked out about it.....(her leaving)

Isn't he the boss? Can't he fire and hire people at will???


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am sitting here panicing and guess what....out of the blue he just called me to talk. No rhyme or reason. Hasn't done that in a year and a half. He said first, am I doing ok? Then we chatted a few minutes and hung up with him saying ok, I will talk to you later.

I did not contact him all day. No text, no emails, no nothing. I wonder if he was wondering now why. Too soon maybe? I will not call, text or email him back again today unless he contacts me. I will show him I am strong and don't need to. I will cry and whine to you guys on TAM. Please bear withme until I can withdraw from him and now I am thinking the meds too. I will promise to keep pushing through based on good advice I am receiving here if you all keep being supportive until I come out the other end. 

I am closer to the end than the beginning. I have some closure which has allowed me to forgive myself. That is the first step.

I don't want to wonder what he is thinking. Conrad and VI Bride got my head under control the past half hour talking to me. I don't want him to mess it up again. I don't want to wonder if he called me cause he truly wanted to see how I was. I don't want to think about him. I just want it all to go away. How do you make yourself just stop thinking. A person's brain is so overworked. It is a wonder the heart is usually the thing to go. I mean when you sleep our heart slows down, but your brain keeps working to control everything in your body. 

UGH!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I am sitting here panicing and guess what....out of the blue he just called me to talk. No rhyme or reason. Hasn't done that in a year and a half. He said first, am I doing ok? Then we chatted a few minutes and hung up with him saying ok, I will talk to you later.
> 
> I did not contact him all day. No text, no emails, no nothing. I wonder if he was wondering now why.


Guilt. The OW is still there and he is in a fog. He doesn't know what to do right now...his world had been shaken up...let it be and let him deal with it!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> .......things are being worked out about it.....(her leaving)
> 
> Isn't he the boss? Can't he fire and hire people at will???


 
I think it is a bit of a complicated situation for a few reasons. One she is a long term good employee despite her character now. Also, when my husband started the business he brought three technicians he worked with for years over to the company and gave them a small percentage of ownership in the company to take this chance with him on building up a business. Although it was small, she is still one of them. So it makes it complicated.

I know some of the guys (mostly men that work there cause they are mostly computer techs which is predominately a male job) but I believe they are upset at what he did. I can only hope and pray that God will take care of her sins in hope that the guys are giving her a cold shoulder and making her feel like the POSOW she is. I have known most of them many years and they know I am a really good person. A couple of them would always give me a hug when they would see me and ask how I am doing. I am leaving her to God to handle. I have done my job. He brought it to my attention and I brought it out in the open. 

I am believing so intently that God will give me what I need if I ask him and although I know it will be on his time when he feels it is the best time, it makes me anxious.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Guilt. The OW is still there and he is in a fog. He doesn't know what to do right now...his world had been shaken up...let it be and let him deal with it!!


 
Good advice. I just need now to figure out how I need to deal with it. I need to make it about my needs now somehow. 

I am calming down talking now with you guys. I appreciate it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Just remember, he is an adult and in charge of his own path.

He made the adult decision to get married
he made the adult decision to have a child
he then made other adult decisions(although not the best choices) of having an affair, continuing the affair and treating you like a piece of garbage. 

He can deal with the consequences of his adult actions and decisions b/c he is an adult! Maybe not very mature, but an adult none the less. And you can't control other people 

Good job on taking the focus off of him and back onto yourself.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Sad- I promise you can do this. I am in the same boat.
> 
> I made the decision the week I threw him out that the only way I can move on is to leave the house we bought together and start over fresh in a new town. My children will be devastated over leaving their school and friends. They will probably hate me too. I have already started to prepare them for this. I have to do it so I can be the best mother to them . They deserve to have the only parent caring for them to be strong and healthy. The memories overwhelm me right now, knowing my husband is across town screwing some woman and not caring about his wife and kids. A friend of mine did the same thing several years ago and doesn't regret it for a second. Kids are resiliant . We are the parents and need to make the tough decisions right now. Waiting out an affair is pointless.


It is so scary, isn't it. Do you work? I was a Human Resource Manager in a really good company for 10 years when we decided to have a child. Our decision was for me to quit so my son could be raised properly and he could start his business. i feel like I got the wrong end of the deal. I lost a solid 10 years of HR experience and will have to start entry level once again. I feel so stressed. If I would have presued my career, I could be a VP of Human Resources in a huge Pittsburgh Hospital now. I know I can still get there....just angry now I have to do it all alone in my life.

I can't blame anyone but myself. I messed up the marriage too.

I know once I get my life together my self esteem will return but just hard battling through it now with so much to face.

I do believe the next relationship I have will be the best it can possibly be because I will be choosey and I will have improved my own self so much that I will be loved deeply.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Just remember, he is an adult and in charge of his own path.
> 
> He made the adult decision to get married
> he made the adult decision to have a child
> ...


Thank you....I only was able to again because of you three talking to me.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I do work. I am the only source of support for my kids right now.

Please stop blaming yourself . This man made the choice to do this without even considering you or your son. The decision to upturn both of your lives was his alone. No contact has already got him nervous, I would stay with it. Only respond to things about your son and the divorce.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Remember Sad, ANY emotion you give him will be seen as weak and in his mind he will think he still has a way in for you to be his Plan B and he will push even harder, especially if OW seems like it isn't going to last. 

Don't be a plan B, be a plan A - FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR SON!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't want to be any plan....A, B, C, D or E. I just want to be me with a life. Unless that plan includes having a wonderful loving marriage. 

He's emailed me again this after noon about a few things. They were pertaining to our son, but none the less he did contact me. I am trying not to think about it. The only diffence now as opposed to NC for months prior is now the OW is somewhat out of play.

I'm not thinking about it. I am not thinking about it. I am strong and I am just not thinking about it.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I really hate what he did to my life....what he made me into. I would be better off at this point if he would have died from an illness. I would miss him but I would not be going through what I am. 

Life is so unfair. I wish I could go away and never talk or see him again. I feel like running away with our son. 

I can never sleep any more....can't eat....I hope he looses every bit of respect he has ever had at work. Makes me so angry what he did to his wife and child.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm struggling again with emotions this morning. It all just makes my stomach feel sick. I am holding back from calling him to see if she is still there but will not give him that satisfaction. If by next week i hear nothing, i plan to call and ask and if she is not gone i will tell him to never contact me again not even to ask about our son cause he choose her over him too. My son will be fine. He is not the male figure i want in his life anyway. 

After i get my crying out i am headed to the library to work on my resume. I am not sure how i will handle going back to work this distraught still but i know its the only way to step forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I'm struggling again with emotions this morning. It all just makes my stomach feel sick. I am holding back from calling him to see if she is still there but will not give him that satisfaction. If by next week i hear nothing, i plan to call and ask and if she is not gone i will tell him to never contact me again not even to ask about our son cause he choose her over him too. My son will be fine. He is not the male figure i want in his life anyway.
> 
> After i get my crying out i am headed to the library to work on my resume. I am not sure how i will handle going back to work this distraught still but i know its the only way to step forward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hang in there Sad,I'm having a crappy day also.
I have this urge to go to OM work and just beat the living hell out of him,then load up my truck and go to Kentucky and never come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Hang in there Sad,I'm having a crappy day also.
> I have this urge to go to OM work and just beat the living hell out of him,then load up my truck and go to Kentucky and never come back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is the OM still in contact?

CSS has let him go.....you need to too for your own sanity and your marriage. It will be ok Calvin. Hang in there.

I feel like my guts are being pulled out and stretched.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I composed some words i want to say to my husband. I wont send it in email at this point but i just want him to know how i feel. Part of me thinks it makes me no better to speak it but i cant help my feelings. So i want to share it here because i need to speak it.

You haven't really shown me any remorse.** I dont even think you see what you did as wrong...you left your long time wife and child before i had any physical contact with anyone** so dont blame me 100% for your affair. You were very mean and abusive for many months.* You pushed me to disrespect myself more while playing the role of a faithful husband meanwhile wining and dinning some skank who was the ex spouse of your good friend and employee meanwhile letting me gravel and beg for your forgiveness pushing me to suicide for guilt that i had and you were being the dirtiest of all scum while dangling a string and pulling it back every time i tried to bite.*** i was worshiping you and sticking up for your honor while you did this.* You and her talked about honesty finally in your lives together while she's banging a dog trainer and you at the same time and you are lying through your teeth to me and your son and your mother and friends particularly mike and your employees.* You lied to OW by wearing your ring when you saw us then taking it off again for her.

Yes....that's honesty!!!* You did worse than i ever did.* 


At least i was honest in my apology.*** I can honestly say i read every relationship book out there and worked on myself the past year and i can actually say i will make someone new really happy.

I dont see us speaking much once this is over so best of luck to you.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

calvin said:


> Hang in there Sad,I'm having a crappy day also.
> I have this urge to go to OM work and just beat the living hell out of him,then load up my truck and go to Kentucky and never come back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


calvin my man,

Point of order.

In this forum? It's posOM.

Don't forget it.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

This is my thought process...cant i get a PFA order against her so she will not be allowed near my son? I could not find much on the process on line but say i need to go to the courthouse between 9 and 11 am to fill out paperwork then i would have a hearing with a judge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> calvin my man,
> 
> Point of order.
> 
> ...


I am starting to see your point Conrad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> I am starting to see your point Conrad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad,

Nothing wrong with calling them what they are.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

[
QUOTE=Conrad;1030232]Sad,

Nothing wrong with calling them what they are.[/QUOTE]
I am starting to see him as a POS too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> [
> QUOTE=Conrad;1030232]Sad,
> 
> Nothing wrong with calling them what they are.


I am starting to see him as a POS too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

You are seeing clearly.

Each seek their own kind.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So I contacted my husband on the phone at work at about 4 pm. I didn't get him, but he called me right back. I asked if she was still there and when he said yes that these things take time, I told him that that is showing no remorse and disrespect for both me and our son and that what he did is dirtier than dirt because he treated me like crap and put guilt on me for thing I did meanwhile he was lying to me, to his son, his mother, his good friend/her ex-spouse and all his employees. I told his if he was remorseful and truly wanted to work on improving communications he would have at least got rid of her and that I can't keep going on and improving our talks with her still there as it is very disrespectful especially considering I had issues with trusting her in the past. 

I talked to him in a stern voice but not mean or yelling. He said I am starting after we just begun communicating and he thought it had been going well between us. I said, yes I did too because I was putting in a lot of effort and he said he was trying too because he was willing to open up the communications. He asked if we could talk tonight because it was too hard to do at the office with everyone around and he was pissed I called him there at the office to question him. I said yes, to call me tonight.

I'm not backing down with her being there. I am not.

I just set up an appointment with an attorney. I can't get in until September 13th but that will give me time to see what happens over the next week. She wanted to meet September 12th but that is our anniversary....no way I could handle a consult that day.

Am I pushing this too fast? Should I just have kept up good communications with him and assumed things were being worked out at the office to get her out of there? Like waited another week before saying anything about her to him?

I am thinking I don't want to try to resolve the marital conflicts as he has shown no ability to want to do the hard work. I just don't even think I want to any more. I'm not putting up with crap and backing down and acting pathetic when he calls tonight either. I won't be mean and I will not yell but I am not belittling myself any longer.

On another note....I got my resume almost all done today. Just a little more detail and it will be reading for job hunting. Everyone says I shouldn't seek employment until after the devorce so they won't factor my salary in to the equation? Should I take their advice. I just want to move forward one way or another.

I scared myself today as I had several moments of suicidal tendencies again. He just is not good for me with the way he is handling things still. I mean the communications have greatly improved and he is being respectful to a point but not enough. I honestly think I would be ok and could move forward with divorce if she were gone from that office. It is just a constant reminder and stab in the back if she stays there. I know these are my assumptions that she will remain there....maybe she is working on getting out of there but it needs to be faster.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

Don't watch what they say.

Watch what they do.

He's doing nothing but making excuses.

That may change, but an appointment with a lawyer is much more likely to make it change than hoping.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> Don't watch what they say.
> 
> ...


 
Thanks Conrad. 

I just really feel if he was remorseful, she'd be gone. I do believe he didn't love her and any physical contact has halted but we could never get away from her with her there. It would put strain on the parenting of our son for years with her still there. it was an affair with someone I knew....a very deceitful thing he carried on with. If it was a future relationship after divorce, there would be no issues. Why do I feel guilty for hating her? 

You know Conrad, momentarily today, I felt like printing all her scanky pics off to my married man and printing loads of them and spuing them all over her front lawn. Only I know I am better than that. She is just trash. Why she has gone through 3 husbands. 

God help me.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Yes please watch actions. Words mean nothing. NOTHING. Cheaters LIE. Remember that. Remember that almost anything that comes out of his mouth is to save face for himself and nothing more. It's all about him...I mean he was p!ssed that you called him at work about this????? He has no reason to be p!ssed...he should be thanking you saying "it was nice to hear from you yes I will discuss this right now" but only if he was truely remorseful...which, of course, he is not. 

I was sucked in many times thinking stbxh was sincere...it wasn't until I looked at his actions (well, lack of actions) that I was able to decide enough is enough.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh and the OW would be gone from the job as of last Friday.....

"these things take time" my @ss!! Does he ever give any specifics?? I don't think you should ask what is taking so long but does he go into detail about what exactly is taking so long??

Wonder if the "things taking time" is time for him to take it more underground...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The simple fact is that pulling a gun at work would have been enough to get me and anyone else I know fired immediately and to try and use it against my boss' spouse would have been the topper.Your H is selfish and appears to have more concern for her than you.Maybe he's worried about sexual harassment.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

He's likely afraid of her.

There is a theme here for anyone who reads for content.

Look at the example of all the posSTBXH's

Yours
Angel's
JPR's
Honeystly's
Can'tMove's
BronteVillete's

They are hooked up with these demanding psychotic women. Women that are so brassy they will write things about them on the internet, walk right into another woman's house, report back to posSTBXH for the "offense" of merely driving past.

These men did something weak and somewhat radical.

They got involved in the affair fog and walked away from people that really wanted a life with them... for what?

The pressure on them to make the "New" arrangements work is ENORMOUS. It's right out in public. All the former in-laws hoping they fall on their faces.

They're afraid.

They made a bad move and now they're going to pay for it.

So, they do the human thing... nothing. They hold still. They make a weak gesture towards maintaining "Plan B"... with no real intention of doing anything, except not screwing things up further.

Time to bring the heat.

Never underestimate the power of inertia with human beings.

Make him decide.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I know I have to bring this to a halt fast. I don't want to keep being made into a crazy person with my thoughts and any relationship constantly having to spy on your mate is just not worth the aggrevation. I just really can't see why he'd throw us away. 

I swear if it comes push to shove I will make every thing miserable for both of them. I will send my resume all over the place and move out of state. He would never fight me for our son because it dampers his style (too busy with work); however, I know he would be very very sad not seeing him. I just can't keep myself hurting like this. My son is better off without him if it means having a sane and happy mother.

Should I tell him I have an appointment with an attorney or do you think that will cause unforeseen issue?

TBT....You are 100% correct....any employee bringing firearms into work would be fired immediately. Good arguement for me too when he calls. I honestly believe she manipulated him and played victim to him and made it look like I caused it.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Oh and the OW would be gone from the job as of last Friday.....
> 
> "these things take time" my @ss!! Does he ever give any specifics?? I don't think you should ask what is taking so long but does he go into detail about what exactly is taking so long??
> 
> Wonder if the "things taking time" is time for him to take it more underground...


He absolutely does not. 

I don't think he is doing anything still with her....he cherishes his business too much to jepordize it.

When he said to me why are you starting, that he thought communications were getting better and I said I wasn't starting anything but questioning his motives because I see no remorse based on her still being there when he knew how wrong it was with what he did, I said I thought they were going well too and I want them to continue but not with her in the way. That it is too painful and I won't do it. He said he has been trying and I said how have you been trying? He said well I'm trying to open up and keep communications going. I don't think so....whatever.....its been me trying and him riding alone with little crumbs thrown my way.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I honestly believe she manipulated him and played victim to him and made it look like I caused it.


In your anger with her don't minimize his inaction.In all I've read of your H he may be too self-centered to ever be manipulated by anyone.jmo.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> .
> 
> Should I tell him I have an appointment with an attorney or do you think that will cause unforeseen issue?
> .


NO!!!!!!!!!!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> In your anger with her don't minimize his inaction.In all I've read of your H he may be too self-centered to ever be manipulated by anyone.jmo.


 
I wanted to click like on your post but then realized I really don't like what you said but that is only cause I do know it to be true. 

I do believe over the years I was blinded by how self centered he was/is. I allowed myself to loose myself fully in him by becoming so co dependent on him. 

I am feeling a bit calmer. I really owe a lot to you all who continue to talk me down from things. If I shared all this with others they'd have me commited but you all understand and are so supportive. <3


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> NO!!!!!!!!!!!


Thank you. It will be for my own knowledge and at least I will know what I'm up against and what my rights will be going forward.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry,my intent was never to anger or upset you.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I know I'm an idiot.... "sigh"

We talked 86 minutes. Got a lot out. In a way I understand some things with her leaving immediately would be hard but at the same time I don't care. 70% of the business is monitoring small to large businesses like hospitals their computer network systems. They are monitored back at the office through a large monitoring system. If something goes astray it allows us to warn or fix the glitch in the network before it causes issues like shutting a whole system down. Well she is the manager of that department and does a lot that no one has the knowledge to do. If she goes immediately it could be devestating to the business. So I do understand to a point. I think he fully understands why I am upset and why I hurt because she is still there based on some things he said during our conversation. He did mention when we were talking that he basically called her a POS too....lmao because he said after what she did he wouldn't want her anyway. He said if someone bashes you in the head with a baseball bat, you don't go back again for more. He was referring to her pulling the gun on me. I do think he is starting to despise her now and had said some very negative things about her. 

With that said my eyes are open wider than my ears now. I know all of you have experience with this and I trust all of you more right now at this point than my stbxh for sure. You all have shown me more kindness than I got from him in many many many years. 

So my appointment is scheduled with the attorney and I am moving forward with myself.

Did I mention Conrad, I worked diligently on my resume all day? It is almost done and ready to be circulating. I will be contacting people next week with it. 

I just need to keep my thoughts under control and my mind focused. I get to the point of pure panic and fear and then react. I am going to keep coming on here when I am getting out of control. You seem to all be calming me and point things out that I just don't seem to see clearly amongst all the fog.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Sorry,my intent was never to anger or upset you.


 
Nope you did not anger me at all by what you said....my anger is because it is the truth about him. I know it is. i simply don't want to like it that is why I decided not to click on the like button.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Good job on the resume.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I wouldn't believe him about calling OW a POS or not wanting anything to do with her. My POS H said the same stuff to me , even sent e-mails saying how much he hated OW. All lies.
I seriously suggest you cut off communicating with him, especially initiating calls. He needs to stop making excuses and DO something. Let your lawyer contact him. He needs a dose of reality.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> I wouldn't believe him about calling OW a POS or not wanting anything to do with her. My POS H said the same stuff to me , even sent e-mails saying how much he hated OW. All lies.
> I seriously suggest you cut off communicating with him, especially initiating calls. He needs to stop making excuses and DO something. Let your lawyer contact him. He needs a dose of reality.


 
Why do they do that?

I did find out that she was doing someone else too. I am not sure if he knew that or not. He said he did but I think he is just saying that to cover it up because he is embarrased he was used by her too. I think that bothers him too now and he just isn't admitting it. I do believe he is seeing her for what she is.

I am going to take everyone's advice and listen closer with my eyes. 

It gets confusing to read and hear so many different opinions of things. One says do the 180 the other says no build up your love bank with that person because affairs happen because people fall out of love because their needs aren't being met. 

Part of me still believes that I hurt him deeply when I fell vulnerable during our separation. He admitted he handled the situation very wrongly and believes everything that happened and all the hurt and pain we both indured would not have happened if he would have communicated with me so I do think he is seeing things a bit more clearly. 

However, I am cautious and trying so deeply to take one day at a time as I am so overwhelmed. I will not let him beat me down anymore. I am little by little taking control of my life....just a very slow process and harder dealing with the mental issues I have developed over time. The advice I am receiving here has been so invaluable. It is making me strong. I have been slow to learn all this but I think it is sinking in little by little.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am in a good place right now my friends. Thanks to all your support. 

I hope you all are doing well today too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Doing great, sad. It's Friday, its a 3 day weekend, and I am having a dinner party for my friends tomorrow night. Got alot to prepare but its going to be so fun  

Hope your good mood continues and you have little to no contact with WH today. Remember, you don't need to do anything except focus on yourself and your son.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I wanna come to the dinner party! Have fun. I need to develop some good girlfriends myself. I have really lacked that support. 

I am going to do my darness to stay focused on me
I have therapy soon so that will help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

If you were close, you'd be more than welcomed, Sad  Going to have plenty of food.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> If you were close, you'd be more than welcomed, Sad  Going to have plenty of food.





I hope you have a great time with friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

I'm sorry it gets confusing.

Yet, you waited almost 2 years for the chance to even find out what went wrong from his perspective. And, I KNOW you didn't report all the times you reached out and made sure he knew you were available and waiting.

So much for filling up love banks.

When a spouse is involved with posOW, all logic goes right out the window. Only cold reality breaks the fog.

Cold reality is LOSS.

Cold reality is someone who values themselves enough to insist that anyone like posOW is OUT of his life before she will even communicate on matters of the heart.

Out doesn't mean "just texting" or "just ANYTHING"

Of course she was doing someone else. Did he really think such a person would be faithful to him as you have been?

Who is he kidding?

Remain steadfast.

Turn on the emotional air conditioner and keep the temperature way down.

See how he responds.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Why do they do that?
> 
> I did find out that she was doing someone else too. I am not sure if he knew that or not. He said he did but I think he is just saying that to cover it up because he is embarrased he was used by her too. I think that bothers him too now and he just isn't admitting it. I do believe he is seeing her for what she is.


Umm no. He's buttering you up to come back because his hot piece of ass is a skank. 



sadwithouthim said:


> It gets confusing to read and hear so many different opinions of things. One says do the 180 the other says no build up your love bank with that person because affairs happen because people fall out of love because their needs aren't being met.


They aren't mutually exclusive but are completely independent. You can't do both at the same time and you can't do one to get the other. The 180 is for you. The love banks thing is for both of you. Not just him. He has to be willing to fill you up also.



sadwithouthim said:


> Part of me still believes that I hurt him deeply when I fell vulnerable during our separation. He admitted he handled the situation very wrongly and believes everything that happened and all the hurt and pain we both indured would not have happened if he would have communicated with me so I do think he is seeing things a bit more clearly.


Tell that part to shut the hell up. It wants to make all this your fault and keep you chained to a toxic relationship. Nice, part of you. Real nice.

I'll be honest I haven't read all of your story. I don't need to. The person you are being is still weak and will do exactly what you are saying you won't do. It is in the writing. You need to recognize you hold the cards for you. Not him. He isn't your one shot ticket to happiness. Be the best version of you that you can be and don't worry about him. If you let him he'll do plenty of that on his own, because you aren't there to take care of him emotionally anymore.

Lord knows he might actually learn something, Heaven forbid.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> I'm sorry it gets confusing.
> 
> ...


I have turned it down Conrad. I really am done hurting. No, I knew she is scum for years. She pretends to be everything she is not. Not many people in the office like her. I hope he did not know about the OM and it is killing him a bit. I am done being so readily available. He turned the tables when he did what he did. I was actually reministing on and off today of what it would be like in a relationship with someone that wouldn't run away from problems and make them bigger. Someone that wants to spend time with me. Someone that likes to hear the things I have to say and wants to share things about their day back. 

Just sucks to have to start all over again in life at my age after so long with someone. I haven't been on a date in 22 years! 

In all honesty, I don't think he is going to respond with a NC or with me being nice to him. He is just sitting there buying time again but the NC will be done for the right reason. For me so I can just move on and get another life.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

gearhead65 said:


> Umm no. He's buttering you up to come back because his hot piece of ass is a skank.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Good point about the Love Bank. It needs to be done when both want to do it. Just what if you turn it around and do it with no motives and eventually that person falls in love with you again? I mean it would literally drive someone insane trying to do it (fake it until you make it kind of thing), but could it work? I mean if I really wanted him back could it work? I'm not sure at this point if I do want to try and work on it. I just assume come November, the divorce will be able to be processed....just need to submit the signed papers.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I am done being so readily available. He turned the tables when he did what he did. I was actually reministing on and off today of what it would be like in a relationship with someone that wouldn't run away from problems and make them bigger. Someone that wants to spend time with me. Someone that likes to hear the things I have to say and wants to share things about their day back.


Sending you a virtual hug, Sad. The above sounds so very good / healthy to me. Not talking about what he said or what you think he might have been trying to say or what he might have meant in this or that email or what he might be thinking about what you said..etc. It's great that YOU are thinking about what YOU want and what YOU are going to do for YOURSELF going forward. That is all goodness to hear!

Focus on you and your son. Focus on what you want to do tomorrow.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Hey Sad,

As far as I know with the love bank, if you keep filling yourself up and he keeps draining you out, you'll never be able to remain full for yourself and then the healing can't happen. I'm just learning about this process myself so maybe I'm wrong, but I don't know that it would be a good idea to continue to give yourself to him. It's enabling his bad behaviour.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Dignity said:


> Hey Sad,
> 
> As far as I know with the love bank, if you keep filling yourself up and he keeps draining you out, you'll never be able to remain full for yourself and then the healing can't happen. I'm just learning about this process myself so maybe I'm wrong, but I don't know that it would be a good idea to continue to give yourself to him. It's enabling his bad behaviour.


 
Well that makes sense when you look at it that way. UGH....sometimes I just wish my brain would stop thinking about it all.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Sending you a virtual hug, Sad. The above sounds so very good / healthy to me. Not talking about what he said or what you think he might have been trying to say or what he might have meant in this or that email or what he might be thinking about what you said..etc. It's great that YOU are thinking about what YOU want and what YOU are going to do for YOURSELF going forward. That is all goodness to hear!
> 
> Focus on you and your son. Focus on what you want to do tomorrow.


Thanks Dazedguy. I am trying very hard to stay positive. I even spent an hour tonight talking with that secret crush via text. I stepped out of my box and guess what? I don't think I would be very compatiable with him. It seems like he is not very affectionate and that is something I craved in my marriage for 22 years. I gave him all the sex he wanted and really good sex but hardly ever got any affection in return. At this point in my life I want and need that. I want to feel missed sometimes by someone. I want a best friend....someone who enjoys doing things with me other than just sex. Anyway, after getting done talking with him, I feel I miss my husband even despite the lack of affection. But I no longer have a choice to love him.

Thanks for the hug....much needed.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I feel very distant today. Its like i have no desire to talk to anyone. If i could i think i would cut myself off from the world. Its as if i still am so stuck in my life. He is golfing with friends today. He has carried on with his life the past year as if i never existed in his. I haven't been able to go anywhere or do anything in 19 months. I can never get him or this marriage out of my head no matter how i try. Deep down i dont want him back. The thoughts and images of what he did just eat away at me. 

How do you go nc when you share a child together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Really looking at her and having mind movies about them together is having a profound impact on you.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I feel very distant today. Its like i have no desire to talk to anyone. If i could i think i would cut myself off from the world. Its as if i still am so stuck in my life. He is golfing with friends today. He has carried on with his life the past year as if i never existed in his. I haven't been able to go anywhere or do anything in 19 months. I can never get him or this marriage out of my head no matter how i try. Deep down i dont want him back. The thoughts and images of what he did just eat away at me.
> 
> How do you go nc when you share a child together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry that things are 'off' for you today, Sad. Whether or not he is carrying on with his life without you should be no concern of yours, though. You are having an emotional reaction. If you sit and think about these things, then it prevents you from truly moving forward. What he is doing with his life do not matter. All that matters right now is what you are doing with your life...and your son's life.

How do you go nc when you share a child? All communication should be electronic and pertaining only to your child. No texting at 3 am. No talking about your feelings or emotions. For me, I sometimes get into trouble when I talk to Sasquatch in person or on the phone. It stirs up emotions. At this point, I am pretty good at hiding my emotions around him; however, afterwards I find myself in a tailspin. 

If he calls you and starts talking about how his life is so tough and starts making hallow statements about regretting hurting you, just stop him. You don't need to hear that stuff. 

Business. Business. Business. Treat him coldly but cordially, and establish boundaries for communication. Try to be professional and businesslike--devoid of emotion.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Really looking at her and having mind movies about them together is having a profound impact on you.


It is Conrad. Thinking about the intimate things i did with him over 22 years and he did those things with her really beats me up. Some days i have been able to not be bothered by it and then others like today makes me feel crushed.

I am not sure how to do the nc with a son together. He is taking him this evening for the weekend. I am not sure how to react to him when i see him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I am not sure how to do the nc with a son together. He is taking him this evening for the weekend. I am not sure how to react to him when i see him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
(Matthew 18:15-17 ESV)

Keep it all business. No talk of feelings or disappointments or expectations for the future. You must disengage emotionally - not as some kind of tactic to get his attention - but to end your own self-imposed suffering. Do it for you and your son.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> "let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
> (Matthew 18:15-17 ESV)
> 
> Keep it all business. No talk of feelings or disappointments or expectations for the future. You must disengage emotionally - not as some kind of tactic to get his attention - but to end your own self-imposed suffering. Do it for you and your son.


 
Good verse!

I think the next to last sentence if key.....disengage emotionally - not as some kind of tactic to get his attention but to end my own suffering. I just need to truly figure out how to do that. How did you begin to do that Dazedguy? How did you force your self to truly disengage?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> I'm sorry that things are 'off' for you today, Sad. Whether or not he is carrying on with his life without you should be no concern of yours, though. You are having an emotional reaction. If you sit and think about these things, then it prevents you from truly moving forward. What he is doing with his life do not matter. All that matters right now is what you are doing with your life...and your son's life.
> 
> How do you go nc when you share a child? All communication should be electronic and pertaining only to your child. No texting at 3 am. No talking about your feelings or emotions. For me, I sometimes get into trouble when I talk to Sasquatch in person or on the phone. It stirs up emotions. At this point, I am pretty good at hiding my emotions around him; however, afterwards I find myself in a tailspin.
> 
> ...


You know JPR, he rearly ever talks about his life nor does he ever really truly seem to feel remorse. Oddly enough, he never wanted any appology from me. I would try and give it and he would shut me down. He has apologized to me for what he did but it just seemed like a cold apology. I guess if I saw him trying to make it up to me then I would think it was more sincere. 

He doesn't seem like he wants to make the marriage work. He has not said that at all. The only thing he said was he still cares for me and that he wants to be in my life and remain friends no matter what happens between us. I don't even understand what that even means. In all honesty, with our long history together and all the hurt the past year and a half, there is no way I could be friends with him after the divorce is final. He either needs to commit 150% to reconciling and rebuilding or divorce and move on. 

I am at the point where I am thinking this just isn't worth the aggregavation but I just don't know how to disengage like Dazedguy and everyone else says. I don't know if it is the marriage itself I am holding onto and not necessarily him. He actually disgust me thinking about his actions and cold demener the past year.

I am astonished by what so many spouses have done to so many good people on this board. It breaks my heart. It makes me not to ever want to trust anyone. 

I do chuckle when I read the name you gave your ex. JPR, I hope you are in a better place today than you were all week. Enjoy your son today and thanks for the suggestions.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I did it by truly accepting what my wife was saying through her words and actions. By finally respecting her right to walk away. Only then did I stop trying to do things in an attempt to convince her or make her see that this was all an unnecessary mistake. I let it all go and got out of her way and focused on what I am going to do with MY life now. 

Something else I read a while ago that stuck with me was that sometimes in our attempt to "help" people we get in the way of what God is trying to do in their lives. We protect people from the consequences of their actions. I think it's best to get out of the way and let God do the work he's trying to do in their lives. Focus on saving and helping yourself.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

And to add to that - the hard part of letting go for me wasn't just letting go of her or letting go of our marriage, it was letting go of what had become my own identity. If I am not the husband / provider than who am I? It is scary and hard to let go of what you think is your identity. But what I'm learning is my identity is completely independent of any "role" and to think otherwise is really what codependency is all about. It's been a very tough realization for me.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I completely agree with dazedguy! 
The detaching is very hard. I am still struggling on a daily basis with it.
I can tell you from experience, that to reconcile without the remorse and effort from your spouse is pointless. My H said all the right things and put in effort initially, but he was in contact with the OW the whole time, deep underground and then started another affair. I think he lost all respect for me because I took him back ( if that makes any sense). I wanted it so bad to stop my own pain and my children's pain. Now we are going through it again and he is just as cold, hurtful and unreliable as before. No concern for any of us.

I have come to realize that it takes a strong person to put in the effort to reconcile with someone they betray , it takes a lot of time and hard work. I believe the majority of DH and DW find it much , much easier to just cut their losses than to do the work needed. Of course, blaming the spouse left behind makes it easier for them to do this.

I have learned that to detach means to stop those intrusive thoughts about what they are doing, thinking, feeling, where they are, who they are with. It doesn't matter anymore, they have chosen not to be with their family. They have chosen this by making a selfish decision regardless of the effect it has on their family. I wish I had let my DH hit rock bottom last time, I made it too easy to come back. I did not go by his actions and rushed the time.
Sad, you are so much stronger than you think. I LOVE that you knocked out the OW. That was awesome


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Keep disconnecting from him Sad,he's sucking the life out of you and he doesnt care how you feel,he sounds like one selfish man who wants what he wants at anybodys expense.
I swear I'd put a bullet in my head before I'd treat CSS the way your H is treating you and your son.
Christ he is not a man in my opinion,no disrepect Sad.
There is a lucky man out there for you,remember
be choosy,you deserve the best,not table scraps.
Still praying for you Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Keep disconnecting from him Sad,he's sucking the life out of you and he doesnt care how you feel,he sounds like one selfish man who wants what he wants at anybodys expense.
> I swear I'd put a bullet in my head before I'd treat CSS the way your H is treating you and your son.
> Christ he is not a man in my opinion,no disrepect Sad.
> There is a lucky man out there for you,remember
> ...


 
I know Calvin. I know all of you are right. I just need to figure out how to let it all go. I feel like a pathectic helpless looser for allowing him to still walk all over me. After finding out everything, I still held my arms open to him and he is still running away so to speak. 

I like some of the suggestions Dazedguy and CMF suggested. I am going to work through them but I know it is going to be a hard, long and depressing process to do it. 

Thanks for praying for me Calvin. There are so many good men on here and hope one day I find someone like that and can live happily again.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> He doesn't seem like he wants to make the marriage work. He has not said that at all. The only thing he said was he still cares for me and that he wants to be in my life and remain friends no matter what happens between us. I don't even understand what that even means. In all honesty, with our long history together and all the hurt the past year and a half, there is no way I could be friends with him after the divorce is final. He either needs to commit 150% to reconciling and rebuilding or divorce and move on.
> 
> I am at the point where I am thinking this just isn't worth the aggregavation but I just don't know how to disengage like Dazedguy and everyone else says. I don't know if it is the marriage itself I am holding onto and not necessarily him. He actually disgust me thinking about his actions and cold demener the past year.


I feel like I am in exactly the same place as you Sad. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he will always care about me. He says he misses talking with me. Then he compares loving me to how he still loves and cares about his high school ex-girlfriend. What?? 
So I completely understand how you feel. I can't be friends. If he wants me in his life he has to make a huge commitment to doing that. Yet, instead, he's made it clear that he does not want to do this. His actions show me this. So, the only option is to close off communication and move on. 
I really like the advice that you've received this morning on how to go about doing this. It's helpful for me too. 

I hope your day turns around and you start feeling better soon!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Keep the focus on yourself. Easier said than done, I know.
I struggle with this daily, but I know that I am a shell of the person I was 15 years ago.
Focus on finding work, possibly moving, working out, eating right ,doing things that bring you joy, reconnecting with old friends.

My kids are scheduled to see my H later today. I will stay in the other room when he gets them. I plan on spending the day doing whatever I want to, keeping busy. It helps. I just hope he actually shows up.

I know it gets easier with time. No Contact has really made my home much more peaceful and it is easier once you get through the first weeks.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Dignity said:


> I feel like I am in exactly the same place as you Sad. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he will always care about me. He says he misses talking with me. Then he compares loving me to how he still loves and cares about his high school ex-girlfriend. What??
> So I completely understand how you feel. I can't be friends. If he wants me in his life he has to make a huge commitment to doing that. Yet, instead, he's made it clear that he does not want to do this. His actions show me this. So, the only option is to close off communication and move on.
> I really like the advice that you've received this morning on how to go about doing this. It's helpful for me too.
> 
> I hope your day turns around and you start feeling better soon!


There are some really good people on this board and have given me such great advice....so continue reading through it. I've actually been posting for a really long time and had a thread called Broken that explained so much of my situation but I deleted for reasons at the time I thought were good. I regret that now.

Little by little the poster's advice sinks in and I do know I am so much stronger than even last month. It is just a matter of developing the respect I deserve by respecting my ownself.

I hope you have a better day today too. You sound like a good person. xxx


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Keep the focus on yourself. Easier said than done, I know.
> I struggle with this daily, but I know that I am a shell of the person I was 15 years ago.
> Focus on finding work, possibly moving, working out, eating right ,doing things that bring you joy, reconnecting with old friends.
> 
> ...


 
I think living in our dream home we bought barely a year before he left holds me back. After finding work, it will be my next move out of here.

I hope you find peace in your alone time. You deserve it.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks Sad. Living in this house is very hard for me, tons of memories. I have taken down all pictures, changed bedding, put my stuff on his side. It has helped a little.
I am hoping to put mine on the market soon. It makes me mad that we are stuck with all the reminders while they walk away to a new place. The unfairness of it all is overwhelming sometimes.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I know Calvin. I know all of you are right. I just need to figure out how to let it all go. I feel like a pathectic helpless looser for allowing him to still walk all over me. After finding out everything, I still held my arms open to him and he is still running away so to speak.
> 
> I like some of the suggestions Dazedguy and CMF suggested. I am going to work through them but I know it is going to be a hard, long and depressing process to do it.
> 
> Thanks for praying for me Calvin. There are so many good men on here and hope one day I find someone like that and can live happily again.


Sad,you are not a pathetic,helpless loser.
Youre a strong,kind compasionate woman who has helped many people out here,including me.
Give yourself lots of credit for all you have done.
Youre a damn good mom also.
The world would be a way better place if it had more people like you Sad.
Hang in there,I have a feeling things are getting better for you and you've paid your dues.
Dont beat yourself up over him,he's not worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So i dropped my son off today with his dad and again, went to the movies alone. I saw Hope Springs because i thought is was a comedy. It was the most riveting movie about a 31 year marriage on the brinks. Oh how true and how sad it was. You had 1 person, Meryll Syreep trying to save the marriage. Steve Carell was their marriage retreat therapist. It was so sad to watch their stupidity and selfishness tearing them apart. 

The theater was full of mostly older couples
I watched the guy sitting in front of me holding his wife hand and caressing her leg. At the moments of really intense marital issues the couple was having in the movie, i saw the guy and girl next to me put their arms around each other. I felt as if my life was unravelling on the big screen. I had wondered in any of the couple together watching the movie were having problems. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I went into the bathroom and cried for ten minutes.

I set up a profile on a local site that is just for meeting new people; not necessarily dating. I was honest and said i am going through divorce after over a year and a half separation. I said o am not interested I'm dating but making new friends locally. I checked both men and women. O specifically said i am not interested in dating.

Quite a few men responded with do much positivity and complement's telling me how impressive my essay responses were and how educated and humble i seem and how shallow other girls responses are (the one was front an athletic and handsome 27 year old engineer.). I was told i was absolutely beautiful. These were good looking educated men
Nice men not looking for a hook up
So i can't help thinking "why the hell does my husband not want me?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- I don't know where you live but I wish we could hang out. It would do us both good! I am leaving now to hang out with a friend , her 2 kids and my 2 kids. It so helps .
I did not enjoy my alone time today. I did get a mani/pedi . I worried about my children.
I returned home to find a letter from OW2 in my mailbox. It was upsetting to read and have my fears confirmed. He has been trying to reconcile with her, has not even tried to talk with me in 7 weeks(other than a weekly email about the kids). It really hurts and I thought I was moving past it.....
No more sad movies about marriages for you


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Sad- I don't know where you live but I wish we could hang out. It would do us both good! I am leaving now to hang out with a friend , her 2 kids and my 2 kids. It so helps .
> I did not enjoy my alone time today. I did get a mani/pedi . I worried about my children.
> I returned home to find a letter from OW2 in my mailbox. It was upsetting to read and have my fears confirmed. He has been trying to reconcile with her, has not even tried to talk with me in 7 weeks(other than a weekly email about the kids). It really hurts and I thought I was moving past it.....
> No more sad movies about marriages for you


Thanks CMF. I too wish i could hang out with someone like you. I could teally use some good girlfriends like some of you. 

I cant believe the OW sent you a letter. Was it to let you know what he was doing? Does she want him back? I would tuck that away for future leverage
I am really sorry you had to read that. That makes me feel awful for you. I could never imagine being involved with a married man. What kind of women does that. I can hear Conrad now saying a POSOW.

The movie did get to me. It was listed as a comedy. Maybe if i wasnt going through this junk it would have been funny. Then to see so many nice comments from others about me, just made me think, then why doesn't my husband want me. Even after the affair i would have took him back but he still pushes away. 

Its ok though....I've accepted divorce will happen. I am just about fine with it. I will get through it.

I am glad you got out. I hope you enjoyed yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Just be very careful Sad,my gender sometimes embarrasses the hell out of me,men are often out for themselves but I'm sure you know that.
There are a lot of good men out there too.
I've seen some of my sister crush good guys or good guy leave because most of my sisters are party girls and they wonder why they cant find a good man...ugh.
Youre a true lady and I know you are intelligent.
One sister of mine has been married eight times,God only knows how many bf's.
She hates my joke that I have five sisters and 37 brother in laws  that one pisses her off every time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Just be very careful Sad,my gender sometimes embarrasses the hell out of me,men are often out for themselves but I'm sure you know that.
> There are a lot of good men out there too.
> I've seen some of my sister crush good guys or good guy leave because most of my sisters are party girls and they wonder why they cant find a good man...ugh.
> Youre a true lady and I know you are intelligent.
> ...


 Honestly Calvin i have no intentions on dating any one yet. It was just a boost in confidence after having someone rip it away over a period of almost 2 years. I think the younger guys like the maturity in the older women yet i still look young for my age. It just made me sad hearing so many nice compliments from what seems like nice guys but then i think, why doesn't my husband see it. I am not going to sugar coat things....i still love him despite everything. I still believe based on our history our marriage can be repaired. My heart, my mind and my soul tells me it could be better than before. But, reality tells me it can only happen if he wants it too. 

I have turned my feelings way down to almost freezing when around him. I am not mean to him but i also am showing him lots of confidence that he is noticing. I believe he sees my changes. What i won't let myself do based on the advice and support by you people....your love and Conrad's advice and the strength i have gained from some women on this board, i will keep my eyes opened wider than my ears.
I am heading to the bookstore. I plan on spending the day writing. I have begun writing a book about my life's journeys from childhood and living with abuse and alcoholism to my raoe at 14 to the spiritual journey i have taken during my marital fallout. I hope by telling my story of brokenness to how things will turn out in the end will help someone else. At this point, i dont know how my story will turn out but i know it will be good no matter what because i will either repair a marriage with my husband or i will move on to a new different life but regardless, it will be a happier life. I know i still have sad and rough days ahead but i also know i am stronger than a year ago, even stronger than 2 weeks ago.

Your caring support always helps me. I only wish the best for you and CSS always.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I have a question mainly for the men out there.....while no other attempts have been made and I HAVE MY EYES WIDE OPEN, why would a man attempt to remain friends and talk closely if he intends to still go through with the divorce? He clearly seems to be trying to communicate better. I am not falling for anything just yet but i know in my case or from a women's perspective, if i had no desire to reconcile, i would prefer not to talk or be friends at all.

I know i am still falling victim to trying to figure him out but i am not letting him know that. I also know i need to just stop that so i can move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I have a question mainly for the men out there.....while no other attempts have been made and I HAVE MY EYES WIDE OPEN, why would a man attempt to remain friends and talk closely if he intends to still go through with the divorce? He clearly seems to be trying to communicate better. I am not falling for anything just yet but i know in my case or from a women's perspective, if i had no desire to reconcile, i would prefer not to talk or be friends at all.
> 
> I know i am still falling victim to trying to figure him out but i am not letting him know that. I also know i need to just stop that so i can move forward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's about him easing his guilt.

That and buttering you up for what he hopes will be a favorable D for him.

Remember. Its not about you. It's about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I can see the covering up his guilt as a reason.....not sure about the second one. He told me to hold off on submitting the signed divorce papers and he is being very generous to me with finances and basically giving me everything.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Oh Conrad, i shouldn't be bothering my mind asking these questions, should I?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yep the guilt is one thing but he has other reasons,I dont know what,it always seemed like he was trying to hide or protect something.
Wish I could put my finger on it but he wants to try and stay on good terms for himself,not you Sad.
He's hidding something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Trying to play the victem card?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I think Calvin is right...

What happens to the business if a divorce happens? Maybe he is just trying to be nice so you don't take a part of it. Maybe he has no reason to get rid of OW b/c they have some "business venture" planned when D does happen....so he wants to make sure he plays nice and you don't find out.....? Only he knows the answer...I'm sure guilt is most of it though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> Oh Conrad, i shouldn't be bothering my mind asking these questions, should I?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you shouldn't.

What you should do is stand firm and get as much as you can in the divorce.

We'll see if he squeals.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Friends don't torture friends with guilt to the point where they consider suicide to end their suffering just to make themselves feel better about their own behavior. Selfish people do that. 

I don't think it's a guy thing I think it's a guilt thing. If you can still be friends with them afterwards it makes them think that they really weren't that terrible to you, after all you are still friends. 

My wife said the same thing. I told her she isn't my friend. Regardless of the history together. Ending our marriage didn't have to end our friendship but she hasn't treated me like a friend for two years. I don't need or want friends like that.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I think Calvin is right...
> 
> What happens to the business if a divorce happens? Maybe he is just trying to be nice so you don't take a part of it. Maybe he has no reason to get rid of OW b/c they have some "business venture" planned when D does happen....so he wants to make sure he plays nice and you don't find out.....? Only he knows the answer...I'm sure guilt is most of it though.


I really don't think he would ever do that with her. She is too dumb anyway. He would not take money from his son. This I know for 100% certainty. He also protected me and stuck up for me with the police and talked about the incident in private with me about things about her so I do know he was clearly upset about that and protecting me. 

I don't know what to think. Part of me does believe he is sorry but afraid to take a chance on our marriage. I can't blame him 100% because I [email protected]#! up too; he just messed up worse. What I do know though is only one can't save it or fix it. I am wise to that. 

I am just going to try really hard to not think about it any more and stick to my plan and talk to you all when I am down as it does seem to pick me up.

Thanks VI Bride!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Friends don't torture friends with guilt to the point where they consider suicide to end their suffering just to make themselves feel better about their own behavior. Selfish people do that.
> 
> I don't think it's a guy thing I think it's a guilt thing. If you can still be friends with them afterwards it makes them think that they really weren't that terrible to you, after all you are still friends.
> 
> My wife said the same thing. I told her she isn't my friend. Regardless of the history together. Ending our marriage didn't have to end our friendship but she hasn't treated me like a friend for two years. I don't need or want friends like that.


Yes the torture is hard to forget....harder than the affair itself. His behavior could very well be his guilt and trying to cover it up. 

You are a good guy....thanks for the advice.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad,I dont know what it is but he has something hid,you cant trust him at all.
People who are good and care about others dont act this way.
He is up to something.Tread carefully Sad,protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How goes it today, sad?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> How goes it today, sad?


Hi VI

I am ok for the most. I have been spending some time talking with that other man from the dating site. He seems to be a good guy and his honesty shows. He asked me when he could take me out and i was honest with him that i couldn't until my divorce goes through in November. He said just by talking with me, i am well worth waiting for. I feel really confused and just feel talking with another man even though i have been honest with him and its purely platonic, it confuses me. I just feel so deep of love still for my husband. So it makes me feel sad and hurt. 

Maybe once the divorce is finalize i will be able to fully heal and move on. I am trying to push any thoughts of him wanting to reconcile aside so i dont dwell on anything. 

I spent yesterday reading all day at the bookstore so i would stay out of the house. I bought that Codependent No More book and plan to read it this week. 

How are you? Any holiday plans?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Just continue to be honest and don't talk to him if you don't feel like it. Talk to him if you do. No expectations, Sad.  Just process your feelings one day at a time. 

Don't expect all of your confusion to disappear once the divorce is final. You have alot to process and that's ok. Maybe it will, maybe it won't....have no expectations 

I am going for a hike with my dogs and that's about it. I had a rough morning today so it will be nice to get out in the woods with my thoughts.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I got all dressed up tonight to go to church....a very pretty dress..the kind he has always liked...not sleezy or scanky like the posow....but soft and pretty like me. I am who I am and will not change for anyone but myself. 

So he didnt think i dressed up for him i mentioned i was going to a special mass at church. 

So we talked a little and amongst the mumble and jumble, he said, "you look nice". I heard Conrad's words to remain cold...so i just said thanks and did not show him any gloating or happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I got all dressed up tonight to go to church....a very pretty dress..the kind he has always liked...not sleezy or scanky like the posow....but soft and pretty like me. I am who I am and will not change for anyone but myself.
> 
> So he didnt think i dressed up for him i mentioned i was going to a special mass at church.
> 
> ...


He's seeing what he has lost.Let him have the tatoo'd freak.
He's hiding something Sad,sorry he just cant be trusted.He is not for real.Dont trust him.
Sorry but he is not being honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I got all dressed up tonight to go to church....a very pretty dress..the kind he has always liked...not sleezy or scanky like the posow....but soft and pretty like me. I am who I am and will not change for anyone but myself.
> 
> So he didnt think i dressed up for him i mentioned i was going to a special mass at church.
> 
> ...


He's seeing what he has lost.Let him have the tatoo'd freak.
He's hiding something Sad,sorry he just cant be trusted.He is not for real.Dont trust him.
Sorry but he is not being honest.
I'm sure you are one pretty lady.Just be careful about the compliments from him and him only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

My eyes are wide open but i couldn't help feeling pretty good he noticed. Honestly...i am not sure any more about him. What i seem to be doing lately is finally really focusing on myself. For a whole week i have been eating so healthy and not skipping too many meals. My focus seems to be more on making sure i get my exercise in.

Dont worry Calvin, i am not putting much emphasis on what he says....i would need to see some series actions....namely ow gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Working on me again today....i fought back anger today as i think about how all this transpired with OW and how in the eyes of the court i am the one at fault because i went to my place of business and told her i wanted to speak with her and she pulls a gun on me and makes a threat that she wants to kill me and i protect myself. She is the one screwing my husband and sending him filthy pics. She is the one who threatened me. It just is not fair. It makes me so angry. Part of me wants revenge the good person in me says the hell with her. 

Part of me wants to make him fall back in love with me then rip his heart out like he did to me. It makes me feel ashamed thinking these thoughts. Then the other part of me still loves him deeply.

I just want to forget about this. I am going to go work out. I need to find a source to channel this rage i feel sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Working out regularly is an EXCELLENT way to deal with your stress and anger. My advice is join a class if you can, work your butt off regularly, and stick with it! You will definitely feel better and less stressed. It has helped me a ton!

And forget about her. She's not worth your time right now. Let God work in her life too.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Dazedguy,

I have tried to work out all year on and off but I just couldn't get my heart into it. I have always been pretty fit but this all blew me away to putting on added weight. Since this all blew up, I have been really concentrating on me and getting back to looking like me. It feels good again. In just 6 weeks I have lost 12 pounds. My clothes I have noticed over the weekend have been fitting much better and I have already gone down once pants size. 

Something crazy I did today was contacted a guy who teaches womens cardio kick boxing classes. I am eagerly waiting to get my first class scheduled in. I have wanted to do it for years and I think it will help to relieve some frustration I feel too in the right way. 

I bet in a few more months all the extra weight will be off me. I finally feel determined after so long in a depressed hole. The best thing yet is I do believe I am doing it for me, not one bit of it for him. 

You are right, God will take care of her at his own pace. He will not let it go unjust. I keep asking for it and therefore, I believe he will do it in the way he deems appropriate. Thanks for that reminder today. 

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33


Those words are written so many times in the bible.


1 Kings 3:13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for--both riches and honor--so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalm 112:3 Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Proverbs 8:18 With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity.
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Proverbs 10:3 The LORD does not let the righteous go hungry but he thwarts the craving of the wicked.
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Proverbs 28:10 He who leads the upright along an evil path will fall into his own trap, but the blameless will receive a good inheritance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ecclesiastes 10:2 The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.
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Isaiah 26:9 My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you. When your judgments come upon the earth, the people of the world learn righteousness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isaiah 33:6 He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure.
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Matthew 19:28 Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matthew 19:29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
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Luke 12:31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

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1 Timothy 4:8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.



I know there are many more like this. I really needed this reminder today. I feel at peace again. I am going to keep plodding on each day in hopes of each day I become stronger. I am a good person and I can live without my stbxh.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

*I do not understand....*

My first cardio kick boxing class starts tomorrow at noon! I am so excited. Hope it doesn't kick my butt!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: I do not understand....*



sadwithouthim said:


> My first cardio kick boxing class starts tomorrow at noon! I am so excited. Hope it doesn't kick my butt!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've always wanted to do that. At least try it. I think I would love actual kickboxing and would eventually like to give that a shot!

Let me know how you like it 

Glad to see you doing things for you. How are you doing? Isn't this week the 2 week time frame limit?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi

I am hanging in there. I have been eating healthy and exercising regularly. I am down 13 pounds now in 6 weeks. I am hoping for another 20 with toning up and i will look great. 

I cant lie, i do miss him but i also am seeing a change in how i feel about him. He called me last night totally out of the blue. It was a good conversation and i was glad he called but this morning i had felt like i wished he hadn't because it just brings me up and down. He doesn't know this as i only show him a new confident side of myself. 

I am very excited about the class. I think i will be able to really tone up. I will feel good again about myself. It sounds like a great class. I will post how it goes tomorrow. 

Yes....this will be 2 weeks Friday from the time frame i gave. I have an attorney appointment set up for in a couple of weeks. I have begun detaching. I do not initiate contact with him and i am working on me. Although, i have seen some change in him, i haven't seen enough. His mom told me he told her that our communications have been increasing which is a positive sign. He does not know i told her everything.
I know we hurt each other in different ways but we had like 20 good years of a committed and happy marriage. But i want to see more out of him. I am building up too much self esteem to accept his crumbs. 

I hope you are doing well today...
Thanks for asking me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I am doing better. Had a semi-emotional day Monday and been trying to pick myself back up. Having some financial stress which doesn't help and having to deal with the house in the divorce is just stupid right now. Can't sell it, mortgage is underwater...you get the idea. Short sale will hurt our credit and neither one wants that right now. I talked (on the phone) to STBXH today for the first time since before I filed. Everything up until today has been text/email. He seems to be in a much better place emotionally and we just had a good discussion about the house and what to do next. Glad to see him take some responsibility and realize that we are officially over and not ever getting back together. He is moving on, doing things for him like go to school, therapy...all of that. So I definitely feel better and glad STBXH is being a mature, rational adult at the moment. Sucks it took my leaving for him to work on himself on the deeper level, but I am happy for him. I would hate for him to get into his next relationship and just end up cheating on her too. Hopefully the changes stick. But, not my problem any more


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

You always seem to have a healthy attitude despite your difficulties. That shows what a strong women you are. I'm sorry about the financial stuff. A year before my husband left, we bought our dream home. It took a good year and a half to sell our old house and it was in excellent condition. I think all the stress of that was the straw that broke the camels back in our marriage. The market is so bad right now for real estate. I feel for you. I don't know what we will do. He wants me to stay here for our son, but I really can't. I don't really want that much connection to him as it will just hurt me more. It just is such a stressful situation going through divorce. Try to hang in there with the finances and keep focused on you. You seem to be doing great with keeping that focus on yourself. That I think is what matters in the end. Financial stuff always has a way of working out.

I am sorry he seems to be moving on, but don't be so fooled by him. You seem like a good person and I am sure he is missing you and will eventually be kicking himself in the rump.

Try and make the most of the rest of today.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hope youre doing well Sad.Still following your thread,just have other problems to try and solve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Hope youre doing well Sad.Still following your thread,just have other problems to try and solve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Calvin. I hope you work through them quickly and easily. Take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> You always seem to have a healthy attitude despite your difficulties. That shows what a strong women you are. I'm sorry about the financial stuff. A year before my husband left, we bought our dream home. It took a good year and a half to sell our old house and it was in excellent condition. I think all the stress of that was the straw that broke the camels back in our marriage. The market is so bad right now for real estate. I feel for you. I don't know what we will do. He wants me to stay here for our son, but I really can't. I don't really want that much connection to him as it will just hurt me more. It just is such a stressful situation going through divorce. Try to hang in there with the finances and keep focused on you. You seem to be doing great with keeping that focus on yourself. That I think is what matters in the end. Financial stuff always has a way of working out.
> 
> I am sorry he seems to be moving on, but don't be so fooled by him. You seem like a good person and I am sure he is missing you and will eventually be kicking himself in the rump.
> 
> Try and make the most of the rest of today.


Thanks, Sad, I really appreciate your kind words. 

I know I am done with the relationship and him. The conversation today proved it was still all about him. While he did seem to show true remorse, I know we cannot be together. Too much conflict. I had to bite my tongue a few times just to not start some huge discussion/debate/argument. That usually isn't like me so I know I have grown at least a little 

The house we had is a huge sore spot with me. We bought it while he was in the affair with OW#1 (a coworker). The house was walking distance to his place of employment at the time with her...how can anyone forgive that level of betrayal. He was in the middle of an affair and used my credit to buy a house. 2 weeks after we moved in he said he wanted a divorce and expected me to move out. I didn't find out about his affair until almost 3 months later...

Anyways, I hope you are feeling better and staying strong. My STBXH never treated me the way yours did for almost 2 years. You are better than that.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi VI Bride

I'm really glad you posted on my thread tonight. I had an awful evening. First my son had a major meltdown at hockey practice including checking a kid (teammate) into the boards. I pulled him off the ice and we left after he took a fit on me at the ice rink and threw his gloves at me. On the way home in the car, he said I hate dad and I can't take any of this any more. This all has finally broken him. I had the worst feeling inside of me that for some reason I felt like he was at the OW house. So far he has been very honest about it has stopped. Having made me into a crazy person, I drove past her house. Part of me didn't care if he was there and the other part of me felt rage to kill them both if he was lying again. I don't think he has any reason to lie at this point, but needless to say he was not there. Then I remembered he had bowling tonight and if he wasn't home that is where he would be anyway. When I drove past the OW house I felt such rage as I could see through her front window and her tv was on. I imagined her sitting in front of the window watching tv. I felt so anygry. 

I just keep thinking what dazedguy said....let God take care of her. 

Anyway, he has made me into a lunatic. I don't like these feelings at all. He just is not worth it anymore. I can't be living my life worried about weather he is with her or not. He can have her. 

So it was nice to see you posted to me even if we have to talk about our stupid stbxh.

I understand the house thing because of my similar situation; however, I feel it is worse that your's carried on while you two were together buying that house. At least my stbxh's affair was during our separation even though he treated me like a POS. I hope you can find a way out of your house situation. I feel for you. 

Thanks for the support....I will be ok. You will be just fine too.  I am still looking forward to my cardio kickboxing class tomorrow.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Sorry you and your son had another tough day yesterday. I believe you are definitely starting down the path to healing you both. They said in DivorceCare that it was common for kids to have times of being angry at both parents - even the parent that was trying to hold the marriage together. They said kids don't understand the details and they just feel insecure about their future and fear they will be abandoned by one/both parents. I'm not sure if you went through the whole DivorceCare program but I remember they had some good advice on helping children through this tough time.

I hope you are able to stay focused on you and are able to continue to let him go and not worry about what he's doing, thinking, planning. I know how disruptive and confusing it feels when the spouse that left / gave up shows signs of life - it's so easy for the left spouse to look for and see hope which just sets us back up for a fall. Time to get off of the see-saw. 

Good luck sad, I'm thinking about you. I hope the kickboxing class is fun and you really BRING IT!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Sorry you and your son had another tough day yesterday. I believe you are definitely starting down the path to healing you both. They said in DivorceCare that it was common for kids to have times of being angry at both parents - even the parent that was trying to hold the marriage together. They said kids don't understand the details and they just feel insecure about their future and fear they will be abandoned by one/both parents. I'm not sure if you went through the whole DivorceCare program but I remember they had some good advice on helping children through this tough time.
> 
> I hope you are able to stay focused on you and are able to continue to let him go and not worry about what he's doing, thinking, planning. I know how disruptive and confusing it feels when the spouse that left / gave up shows signs of life - it's so easy for the left spouse to look for and see hope which just sets us back up for a fall. Time to get off of the see-saw.
> 
> Good luck sad, I'm thinking about you. I hope the kickboxing class is fun and you really BRING IT!


 
Thanks Dazedguy. I am looking forward to the class. I just really want to get some frustration out.

I went to my son's school today for his annual GIEP (Gifted Individualized Education Plan) meeting. It focuses on his test scores from the end of the previous year and we set up an advanced academic plan for the new year. He has a real high I.Q. Well anyway, I met his new teachers and was told that my son seems very withdrawn this year and very anxious and that yesterday he got upset in school yesterday. This is so unlike him. So that all explains hockey yesterday. I have been honest with my son about some things. I feel its my fault as he has seen me cry uncontrollably numerous times. Sometimes I just can't control it. I feel like it is my fault. Needless to say I am looking into a family therapist for him now. It has definitely started taking a tool on him. 

My husband has been much nicer lately but in a way it just disgusts me and makes me angrier. He either needs to grow a pair or be upfront with me. I guess it doesn't matter as I have pretty much resigned to move on. I can't do this to myself or my son any longer. Part of me wonders if he is doing to cover up his guilt or is it so I don't get angry and fight him in the divorce proceeding for half the business.

I saw in some of his emails (a secret account I found) that he had so much porn stuff and a webcam account set up for only God knows what he was doing on it. It just disgusts me. He has some sort of sexual addition issues or something. I can't figure out though why I wasn't good enough for him. I take care of myself and am told I am very pretty and our sexual intimacy was always above fulfilling. I just will not compete with that crap. I am not someone who doesn't think intimacy with someone is private....I'm not out there doing it with anyone. It means something to me to share that with the person I love. I want the person who is with me to have respect for me. To be in love with me and to think I am the most beautiful thing that they don't feel a need to sway elsewhere. Because if they do, then what is it really worth what you share and do together intimately?

I didn't realize you did divorce care. I did do the whole thing. I am contemplating on doing it again. I remember the section on children. I thought at the time I went through it, my son was really handling it. I think his emotions are just finally coming out. I also think I have had some anger because of what I more recently found out and he see that. I am going to work on fixing that problem starting today.

I hope I can fully let it all go soon too. People that have on here seem to be in a better place. 

Thanks for the support. :smthumbup: I hope you have a terrific day. By the way, are you in the US? Just wondering.:scratchhead:


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- My kids have been struggling too. My oldest has a lot of anger and my youngest is so sad. They dont know what to say to my H, he drills them about who they are with each day and what they are doing. They know their father rarely wants to see them and is lying to them about where he is and why he isnt home anymore. He acts differently too. These men have no idea the damage they cause.
Hopefully, therapy will help. Both my kids are seeing someone too.
Please know that your H's cheating and porn has nothing to do with you at all (or how you look) it is something broken in him. You desrve so much better.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

cmf said:


> They know their father rarely wants to see them and is lying to them about where he is and why he isnt home anymore. He acts differently too. These men have no idea the damage they cause.


They just DON'T understand, do they???   

STBXH abandoned his kids during/after his first divorce. Disappear for 2-3 years, then pop back in like everything was normal. Then disappear again...made me lose so much respect for him. 

The kids suffer so much for their selfish wants.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

> STBXH abandoned his kids during/after his first divorce. Disappear for 2-3 years, then pop back in like everything was normal. Then disappear again...made me lose so much respect for him.


Vi bride- I hope this doesn't happen! That would be horrible. It would just bring back all the hurt again for them. I already feel like he is using them to gain sympathy from people so they will help him and support his current lifestyle. OW2's letter confirmed that. 

Sad- Does your son know about the OW and the gun incident?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Please know that your H's cheating and porn has nothing to do with you at all (or how you look) it is something broken in him. You desrve so much better.


 
Thank you for that, I really needed that. I saw the webcam info last night and could not sleep. I woke up through the night with my heart pounding. I don't believe he has been on any of it since the whole nightmare came out. I haven't found any clues to tell me he is. I do think he is trying to improve communications and maybe I am trying to rush him or look for more remorse from him but I just don't see much from him. Oh and the porn thing and OW....I have been finding myself compairing lately. Part of me knows I am much better....prettier, maybe not as fit now because of the jerk(I will be in a couple months though) but I am definitely smarter, funnier and kinder than the OW and the porn stars. Even not knowing them, I know I am smarter because I wouldn't disrespect myself like that for someone else's pleasure and kinder because i would never do that with my commited partner for someone else's pleasure. I remember him becoming quite obsessed with having to watch that with me. It begain to be such a turnoff.

Late last night, I sent him a text asking if he was there. Thank God, he did not answer me. He send me one back this morning saying "sorry, I was asleep already. You OK? I didn't want to tell him why I really text.....I am not sure if I wanted to [email protected]@h him out or just ask more questions but I just said "oh yeah....I figured....no problem, I just had a question about "our son" but I figured it out on my own." Then he texted back "OK, good morning." I am so glad I did not give in to him with my NC plan. I believe he thinks it had to do with my son. So you see the increase in positive communication has been good (all mostly about our son) but hasn't attempted anything else.

I know I am so backwards. I don't feel as much of a want for him, but know I am still weak and would jump on a chance to fully reconcile. I suppose the only thing I can do right now, is watch and listen but take everything with a grain of salt unless there is hard evidence of remorse.

On another note, I had a good day at my cardio kickboxing class. I will post more about it below as VI Bride was asking about it.

I am sorry about your kids too. How old are they? Mine will be 12 next month. I do need to try and be more discret with things. My son does know about some of the situation that took place with the OW. He was with me when I had to file my side of the story with the police department. It is all so surreal. I never lie to my son so I was truthful but vague. I did tell him that his dad made a mistake and got involved with someone at work (son knows her too) in a romantic way and that I was upset and went to confront her and she threatened me with a gun. I did tell him I made mistakes too refering to what I did 6 months into separation. Even though they are two different situations, they are still both wrong and I wanted my son to know that. I didn't want to blame everything on his father. He is pretty smart so I think he would have figured some things out if I wouldn't have told him some truth of the situation. Maybe I told him too much, maybe it is bothering him but I want him to know that behavior is unacceptable.

I hope therapy will help your kids. It is awful they have to go through this stuff because we adults mess up.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> They just DON'T understand, do they???
> 
> STBXH abandoned his kids during/after his first divorce. Disappear for 2-3 years, then pop back in like everything was normal. Then disappear again...made me lose so much respect for him.
> 
> The kids suffer so much for their selfish wants.


 
That is awful...how does someone do that? I will admit for the most part mine is active in our son's life. He did go for a while not contacting him all week and only seeing him on weekends but even that is getting better.

Do you have kids with your stbxh?

Cardio kickboxing was awesome. I am so beat now though. I will definitely be hurting in a coupld days. lol I can't tell you how good of a workout it was. I never sweat so much in my life. I am twice as old as any of the other girls but they were nice and friendly and very welcoming. The owner was my personal trainer for the session. It is through a martial arts facility and let me tell you....he is quite fit! I really see me dropping the extra stress weight I put on and really working out my body in a very quick time frame going there. I am very excited and paid up the first month which will consist of 2 classes a week. I will do those in addition to my gym membership and walking every day. 

I am really trying to put my focus into this.

Oh yeah....by the way....my stbxh called wanting to talk about our son and what happened at practice last night. i told him I would have to discuss later as I was heading into a cardio kickboxing lesson. He sent me a text later saying "kickboxing, wow, I am impressed".  I hope it is all getting to him now. I know I have to be patient but just maybe in time he will realize how much he screwed up too.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

My husband called me this morning and gave me a very deep sincere apology. I have never heard him be so humble. Is he changing for the better? 

My eyes and ears are still open. Don't worry I am not being fooled but can't help to think maybe he is coming out of his fog. Is it even possible?


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I'm sure he is remorseful. I'm sure he loves you and you love him, and he was almost indirectly responsible for you getting shot. He is probably riddled with guilt - at least I would expect him to be.

I feel your story mirrors what I am going through in many ways (I bet everyone sees some of themselves in the stories on TAM ). So forgive me if the next paragraphs don't sound like they fit your situation - maybe it's just my projection of mine.

I've followed your story for a while and, like so many other couples here, it sounds like your relationship was very co-dependent and it also sounds like your husband is immature (I mean no offense to him in saying that - I was very immature for my age 2 years ago before my crisis began). It doesn't sound like either of those things has changed - at least not yet. You sound like you're getting better at focusing on you :smthumbup: but maybe you are still trying to _help_ your husband see what he did was wrong and _teach_ him to try and repair your marriage, but _he_ has to be the one to figure this out for himself and decide on his own that fixing your marriage is important to him. If he does it for you then you might end up in the same place - where he feels controlled or manipulated by you and ends up acting out his resentment like a child again because he hasn't had the chance to acknowledge and address his immaturity.

My suggestion for you is to continue to focus 100% on you and don't hold back - meaning don't, for example, hold onto to the house instead of selling it to start over because you're waiting and hoping that your husband figures everything out and comes back home or don't backtrack on your deadline for filing the papers - move on and do you. If, and only if, your husband comes to you unprompted and unsolicited by you and tells you not only that he is sorry for everything he has done to you and your son but also tells you that he wants to do everything in his power to try and save your marriage - only then would I even _consider_ reconciling with him. I think if I was in your shoes I wouldn't give him another chance because I really think you can do better, but I understand that if that time comes that is a choice only you can make and everyone needs to respect that decision. But unless and until that time comes I would encourage you to not spend any more brain cycles trying to figure out if your husband is repentant by reading into what he says or what he does or what his mother says, etc. 

Focus on you. You are, right now, working through your co-dependent habits and you're doing really well with that. Remember how you felt 3, 2, 1 months ago when you had no control in your life because you were completely dependent on what your husband did and said? Remember how helpless and hopeless you felt? I've been there too, it's a dark place. You've come a very long way towards a much better you - a new you ready for a healthier, safer, and more fulfilling relationship in the future - keep on that road. Keep working and focusing on you. Life has given you this wake up call - take full advantage of it. Down the road I think you'll be very glad you did, regardless of how your marriage plays out.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad - even if he is coming out of the fog, it is going to take him so long to look inside himself to figure out and fix why he did what he did. Is he willing to do that??

Today is the day, correct? Your 2 week time frame? What are your plans if she is not gone by the end of the day?


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- I so agree with the last 2 posts. My H came to me and said the same thing and even put forth some effort into NC and being transparent, but his remorse was not geniune and after a year he did the exact same thing to the kids and I without a second thought. He never looked at himself and did any growth or maturing. To him, it HAD to me that MADE him do the things he did. His relationship issues far extended past myself and his kids. All his relationships are based on lies and deception as a way to always get what he wants at any price. I would hate for anyone to have to go through that a second time.

I know you have been waiting a long time to hear those words from him but please have him show consistancy with his words matching his actions.. And I know from experience you have to be certain he is not contacting the OW, they can go deep underground. The porn issue is something else he will have to address too, right?
You are becoming so strong, if he is ready to do the work let HIM do it. Keep focusing on yourself, let him worry what you are thinking and doing.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> That is awful...how does someone do that? I will admit for the most part mine is active in our son's life. He did go for a while not contacting him all week and only seeing him on weekends but even that is getting better.
> 
> Do you have kids with your stbxh?
> 
> ...


No, no kids. You have no idea how thankful I am. He cannot have anymore kids, he had that taken care of long ago. 

Hmmm you are getting me really interested in joining a kickboxing class. I will have to start looking into that.  I need to start getting active again. I have started trail running and I dance all the time to Dance Central games for the xbox....that is a fun way to sweat!! Highly reccommend it. 

I think your STBXH is starting to realize what is happening...but...it still takes so much time...he is just coming out of it......eyes wide open, Sad


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi everyone....i will post more tomorrow as i am tired....away at a hockey tournament this weekend out of state....just wanted to say thanks for everyones support the last couple days....i will also answer those questions.

Im thriving....sore from the kickboxing Thursday still but cant wait til Tuesday for the next one. Seems the more confident i become the more attractive i am looking to him as contact is increasing but with that said, i have been asked out 3 times in the past 4 days from guys who know my situation. One says he is nuts to let me go and another said...its all his loss. So all is a confidence builder but i told all of them i will not date until the divorce is final. I am reading Codependent No More and so far it has been an eye opener. Definitely not who i want to be.

VI Bride....i will explain more but i do have a plan in place on what i am going to do but am so exhausted from 4 games and 7 hours of driving in 2 days. Oh yeah....i met Billy Guieren today. He is only the most respected Penguin ever. He shook my hand and hugged my son and talked game play. I got a picture!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad,Sad,Sad...excellent!!
I can "hear" and see the confidence in your post!
I cant get over the change I'm seeing in you.
Waaayyy different from a few months ago,so much stronger and sure of yourself.
Your H (ugh ) is noticing the changes in you.
Quite a few men have an interest in you.Confidence goes a long way Sad,you need to change your screen name soon to something more upbeat.
One thing Sad,do you really want him? I mean no disrespect but after the porn,dating sites and his ugly girlfriend who pulled the gun?
You can do so much better...way better.
You are in a way starting over and you have a lot going for you.
Dont settle ....at all. You will find a man who treats you like you deserve.
Most of us men are jerks Sad but not all,so be careful.You have come so far and paid dues that you should'nt have to.
Dont go back to a recyled husband who is trying to put on a new act.
Youre on my prayer list Sad,coming to Tams has made it one hell of a list but thats good.
Happy for you,keep it up.
Told you you'd be an inspiration one day ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

calvin said:


> Sad,Sad,Sad...excellent!!
> I can "hear" and see the confidence in your post!
> I cant get over the change I'm seeing in you.
> Waaayyy different from a few months ago,so much stronger and sure of yourself.
> ...


HERE, HERE!!!!!!!!



....what Calvin, said, Sad


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hope youre doing good today Sad.You watch football? Who's your Team?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Hope youre doing good today Sad.You watch football? Who's your Team?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Oh Calvin, Calvin Calvin! Why of course the only "real" football team there is in the US....Pittsburgh Steelers. Late game today though.

I am doing ok...I had a bit of an emotional breakdown today but I think it is fatigue from the past few days. It got quite chilly today and it has been raining on an off here so I think I am going to crawl up in my recliner and take a snooze for a bit.

I found myself compairing myself to the OW a bit today. It is quite odd as I like how I look so much better but I guess one still wonders how your husband could want someone else so one's mind starts wondering. 

On the otherhand, I found myself wonder how it would be without him and someone else who would love me and not do the things he did. I also think about how big my heart is and how willing I am to forgive him for everything he has done too and yet he still plays these games. I thought about the faster I find a job, the faster I can move on. But truthfully, I am scared of moving on. I don't quite know what scares me other than the thought of having to start all over and get use to someone new. 

I don't know Calvin....my stbx husband and I talked a lot the past few days and I have proof while I was away with my son this weekend, he was at home the whole time with his mother so I do believe he is not going back to her.

However, I will not do anything regarding reconciliation with the scank still in that office. Period. VI Bride asked me what my plans are and they are still to see the attorney I have an appointment set up with, continue working out, continue job hunting, continue breaking this awful cycle of co-dependency and rebuilding my confidence that he tore down over the years and come November, finalize the divorce when the courts allow us.

In order for me to even consider rebuilding the marriage and I am getting to the point that I am not sure that would ever be possible and not from only his standpoint but mine as well.

1. He would need to seek counsuling
2. POSOW would need to be gone from the office
3. A comitement to rebuild from him

So far I am seeing increased communications and I am seeing him being truthful about things.

Other than that I am done and will keep doing for me and only me until I see the above 3 take place. 

So who's your football team Calvin?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm a Bears fan Sad,always and forever.Steelers? Good team I respect them.
Never ever compare yourself to that ugly b!tch.
You are a lady,your elegant,kind,pretty,have morals,ethics,hard worker,caring....God Sad I could keep going.Youre one heck of a woman,strong too.
There is NO comparrison at ALL.Dont even think about it.She's left in your dust!!
Sad whatever you decide to do,I support you.
Youre an itelligent woman and I know you wouldnt do anything without carefully thinking it thru.
Give yourself some credit Sad.
I wish you would think twiced before you R with him but you know better than me.
Bears wone today!! We beat the hell out of the Colts!!
How about your Steelers?
Time to fire up the grill,family is hungry! 
Still praying for you Sad.
The world needs more people like you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks Calvin I really needed to hear that. All day, I've sat here judging myself based on her. I know I am better....I would never ever hurt some other women by having an affair with her husband. She knew us. He told her about how upset I was at our separation. She just took so much advantage of him. 

I'll keep thinking about it Calvin. Right now I don't want to. I haven't seen enough from him anyway. I just want to keep focusing on me. 

Glad your Bears won and you are enjoying your evening. You deserve it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks Calvin I really needed to hear that. All day, I've sat here judging myself based on her. I know I am better....I would never ever hurt some other women by having an affair with her husband. She knew us. He told her about how upset I was at our separation. She just took so much advantage of him.
> 
> I'll keep thinking about it Calvin. Right now I don't want to. I haven't seen enough from him anyway. I just want to keep focusing on me.
> 
> Glad your Bears won and you are enjoying your evening. You deserve it.


Just remember, he made a decision too....

posOW#1 was VERY predatory on STBXH....but, he was the one that made the decision. I had so much hate for her for years. I compared myself to her all the time. Myspace/Facebook stalked her. It was consuming my life. And b/c of that, i don't think i made STBXH take full responsibility for the affair. 

Anyways, i see now, it wasn't her, it was him. And there is no use comparing myself to her, we are just completely different people. Its more about HIM and the inner workings that make people like him search out external gratification. 

So please don't compare yourself to that woman. Calvin is so true in what he posts. And i have to say, i wish i was as strong as you on my DDay#1 5 years ago....

You are an inspiration. Stay strong. There is a much better life ahead of you for you and your son.

Oh, and if you're wondering what it would be like to be treated with respect by a guy....its amazing and it does exist...!!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi VI

Something you said here really got me...how she consumed you and so he didn't take responsibility for it. I was thinking....i let mine off to yet he made sure i suffered for ever little thing i did wrong. He still is making me suffer by her still in that office. 

Thanks for the support....i think my strength came from a lot of you. You know the sad thing is i would have took him back and worked my butt off for our marriage while he throws it all away. I am closer to moving on alone than with him. 

I am not contacting him at all at this point and until she is gone i wont respond to him unless it is regarding our son or finances. I just want to find a job and move on at this point. He messed up royally, i was going to forgive him and he still throws it in my face. Bottom line is she would be gone by now if he cared about me. I do believe his 
apology....that he is hurting by what has happened but he has still not shown me that i matter. 

I guess i just dont know otherwise as i was with him since i was 18
...guess i just learned and expected that's how i should be treated. He is an arrogant @ss and can have her. I just can't wait for his family to hate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> She just took so much advantage of him.


He is a *grown man* and is *solely responsible* for every action he takes and word he speaks. Period.

To blame her or blame yourself for his affair is to take on responsibility for his actions yourself, which, while it seems loving and forgiving, actually prevents him from growing up and taking full responsibility for his life and keeps you both locked into this impossible way of relating to each other. It hurts you both.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship

Codependency, Enabling Behavior, Tough Love | Spirituality, Spiritual Growth, Mindfulness - Seth David Chernoff


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi VI
> 
> Something you said here really got me...how she consumed you and so he didn't take responsibility for it. I was thinking....i let mine off to yet he made sure i suffered for ever little thing i did wrong. He still is making me suffer by her still in that office.


Mine did the same thing. I know I was a WS as well, and I'm not trying to make excuses or justify anything or "keep score" but here is the differences. I had a 1 night stand. It was 2 months after he said we were getting a divorce. He was going out every night leaving me at home. I was a depressed utter wreck and not in my right mind. I was drinking a bottle of wine and taking 3-4 Vicodin a night. NOT a good place for me. I even tried to kill myself at one point after he left the 2nd time. He had a 9+ month affair with a coworker, did the whole crappy thing with the house, wanted a divorce, we tired to R, he left again and moved in with her....omg it was just hell. But...he would throw all of my "wrongs" in my face all the time. Whenver I was try to deal with his affair. So I think he was actually just trying to shift blame the entire time of R. There was never NC with OW#1 either. In fact, she just left his place of employment July of this year...he still tells me about all the "wrongs" I did in the marriage this last time around with his EA....his opinion we are divorcing b/c we can't communicate and I can't get over past issues



sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks for the support....i think my strength came from a lot of you. You know the sad thing is i would have took him back and worked my butt off for our marriage while he throws it all away. I am closer to moving on alone than with him.


Wow Sad, I am humbled to think that you got strength from me...thank you for that comment. And hey, I would have taken STBXH back to in June if he would have put forth the effort to come out of his EA. But, sadly, I think we both know, the men we chose to marry may not have that kind of resolve it takes to get through something like this successfully b/c of their own selfish reasons.



sadwithouthim said:


> I am not contacting him at all at this point and until she is gone i wont respond to him unless it is regarding our son or finances. I just want to find a job and move on at this point. He messed up royally, i was going to forgive him and he still throws it in my face. Bottom line is she would be gone by now if he cared about me. I do believe his
> apology....that he is hurting by what has happened but he has still not shown me that i matter.


Good for you, Sad!! There really is no need to contact him other than those points, especially since OW is still at the office. That alone right there shows you where you and your son stand with him. How has his daddy time been with your son, anyways? 

And does he really still throw things in your face?? These past 2 weeks has he been doing that to you????  And his apology is only b/c he GOT CAUGHT. He has been hiding this OW for how long?? Of course he is sorry, sorry for his lame @ss getting busted!!! The only thing you are to him at this point, is the second choice to come back to 



sadwithouthim said:


> I guess i just dont know otherwise as i was with him since i was 18
> ...guess i just learned and expected that's how i should be treated. He is an arrogant @ss and can have her. I just can't wait for his family to hate her.


Don't settle, even if you have been with him since you are 18. And it sounds like you have grown and matured into a wonderful adult, but he seems like he is still living emotionally as an 18 yr old! 

There are men out there, Sad. REAL MEN!! Not little boys!!! Keep moving forward, work on yourself and you will find you a MAN for yo' hot self


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> He is a *grown man* and is *solely responsible* for every action he takes and word he speaks. Period.
> 
> To blame her or blame yourself for his affair is to take on responsibility for his actions yourself, which, while it seems loving and forgiving, actually prevents him from growing up and taking full responsibility for his life and keeps you both locked into this impossible way of relating to each other. It hurts you both.
> 
> ...


Boy that first article is so true of me. I feel so sad after reading through it. I have given up so much of myself for him. Over half of my life really.....all my friends, my likes, any free time I had....I catered to his every need. He used me and took advantage of it all and giving very little in return. I think back about conversations I've had over the past year and a half especially with other men (platonic) and how much I have shared with them and how much they listened and shared things back. I have gained this strong sense from him that what I ever had to say was never of importance. I see it all more clearly now. I don't want to go back to that. I do want to gather the strength and courage to just move on alone. 

Something that striked me in that article is how codependency can be developed when one is not present in the relationship. They are self absorbed or uninterested. Are they referring to the other partner becoming co-dependent? He has been so self-absorbed our whole relationship. Very controlling. So absorbed in his business and sports he played and watched to the point of it being obsessive. I just let it continue and did nothing but work, housework, yard work, cooking, and raise our son. There was no going out with friends as there was no time and when there was, I felt guilt ridden by him even though he just spent the whole day golfing the day before. Quality conversations were minimal. Honestly, the more I think of it, he was a good provider and that is all. Our sexual intimacy was overall good but even he controlled that a bit...in twisted ways.

I don't think I want to go back. I just want to gain the courage to not. I still do find myself blaming myself for his actions and his affair. I can't help thinking what VI Bride said she did and that is to not allow him to take the blame for his own mistakes. 

I am just really tired of hurting. I keep reading everything I can about co-dependency....Will it sink in eventually? I'm not sure how to stop it. I am reading that Co-dependency No More book now. Maybe I haven't gotten far enough into it to discover the changes I need to make to change myself.

Thanks for the advice Dazedguy.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Mine did the same thing. I know I was a WS as well, and I'm not trying to make excuses or justify anything or "keep score" but here is the differences. I had a 1 night stand. It was 2 months after he said we were getting a divorce. He was going out every night leaving me at home. I was a depressed utter wreck and not in my right mind. I was drinking a bottle of wine and taking 3-4 Vicodin a night. NOT a good place for me. I even tried to kill myself at one point after he left the 2nd time. He had a 9+ month affair with a coworker, did the whole crappy thing with the house, wanted a divorce, we tired to R, he left again and moved in with her....omg it was just hell. But...he would throw all of my "wrongs" in my face all the time. Whenver I was try to deal with his affair. So I think he was actually just trying to shift blame the entire time of R. There was never NC with OW#1 either. In fact, she just left his place of employment July of this year...he still tells me about all the "wrongs" I did in the marriage this last time around with his EA....his opinion we are divorcing b/c we can't communicate and I can't get over past issues
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
Thank you for that last comment. I needed that this morning! 

You are right on....your first paragraph parallels his behavior. The first week this all came out, he did try and blame me for it....I did put a stop to that in a phone conversation and he backed down. The past week I have noticed him taking more responsibility and not really blaming me but saying we both messed up. So I do think he is realizing it slowly. However, it isn't fast enough for what he did to me for so long. The bottom line is I am very hurt that she is still there at this point and not mention of her leaving has been made to me the past week. I am not rug sweeping her existance there. I am done with that. I have learned enough from you all on here to build more respect for myself. I just don't want to hurt anymore. It will be extremely hard for me to give up certain things but I just can't live this way any longer. 

I am sorry you went through all that with your STBXH. I am glad you have stood up for yourself. I want to keep working towards that for me. 

He is pretty good with our son. He is taking him every other weekend for the whole weekend and talking to him more.

I am half tempted to tell my STBXH that I told his mother everything. I know that would eat him up that she knows what a POS thing he did.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

....sometimes I wonder if we married the same person, Sad...geesh the similarities are creepy.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

> ....sometimes I wonder if we married the same person, Sad...geesh the similarities are creepy





> He has been so self-absorbed our whole relationship. Very controlling. So absorbed in his business and sports he played and watched to the point of it being obsessive. I just let it continue and did nothing but work, housework, yard work, cooking, and raise our son. There was no going out with friends as there was no time and when there was, I felt guilt ridden by him even though he just spent the whole day golfing the day before



I was thinking the same thing:iagree:


Sad- My POS H did the same thing with me in regards to separating from OW1. We were supposedly in talks to R and it took him over 6 months to move out and end contact with her( during which time she became pregnant in a last ditch effort to keep him- which I guess did work out for her in the end) . He made every excuse in the book about why he couldn't move out right away, why he still had contact with her.
Unfortunately for me I did reconcile with him( without knowing about the pregnancy) and that was a complete diaster because there was no true remorse, no true effort to heal our marriage, and I too would have done anything. He just started another affair and now is back with OW1. My H has basically abandoned his kids this time though, it is heartbreaking to see.

I struggle along with you. It sucks. I try to stay focused on finding a new job , selling the house, working out, creating a new life. It's not fair, but it is what it is. There has to be something better out there for us.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

cmf said:


> I was thinking the same thing:iagree:
> 
> 
> Sad- My POS H did the same thing with me in regards to separating from OW1. We were supposedly in talks to R and it took him over 6 months to move out and end contact with her( during which time she became pregnant in a last ditch effort to keep him- which I guess did work out for her in the end) . He made every excuse in the book about why he couldn't move out right away, why he still had contact with her.
> ...


Excuses, excuses excuses!!! Excuses for not quitting his job, excuses for not seeing his kids (he also abandoned his from his first marriage), excuses for cheating, excuses for how I was treated....ahhhh!! 

Looks like we married a bunch of BOYS...

Ladies, there is something ALOT better out there for all of us, trust me. I have started talking to someone and already it seems there is alot more respect and mature, rational conversation than I may have ever had with STBXH...well at least in the past 5yrs...!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am a mess this afternoon. I hurt so badly and it's not even about the affair itself anymore it is the fact that she is not gone from there. It was 2 weeks ago today I called and asked him about her leaving and that is when you explained they are working on it. I understand some of his reasoning that it is not that easy....but in two weeks nothing has been said to me. I don't know if they are working on her getting out of there and he is just not saying anything to me until she is gone or if it is just excuses and he thinks it will just blow over. That is what hurts me the most right now. I know the whole gun incident and what she did, really tore him up, I don't doubt that, but some scank is being put before me and our son. It doesn't matter if he didn't want to reconcile, the point is that he said he wants to improve communications so with that said then her still there is a slap in the face to me.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so distraught today. I can't stop crying and my heart is beating a million miles a minute.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hate to say it but 70% of us are jerks,make the rest look bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I am a mess this afternoon. I hurt so badly and it's not even about the affair itself anymore it is the fact that she is not gone from there. It was 2 weeks ago today I called and asked him about her leaving and that is when you explained they are working on it. I understand some of his reasoning that it is not that easy....but in two weeks nothing has been said to me. I don't know if they are working on her getting out of there and he is just not saying anything to me until she is gone or if it is just excuses and he thinks it will just blow over. That is what hurts me the most right now. I know the whole gun incident and what she did, really tore him up, I don't doubt that, but some scank is being put before me and our son. It doesn't matter if he didn't want to reconcile, the point is that he said he wants to improve communications so with that said then her still there is a slap in the face to me.
> 
> I just don't know what to do. I feel so distraught today. I can't stop crying and my heart is beating a million miles a minute.


Oh Sad, I'm sorry you are having a rough day.

Now what you need to do is enforce consequences. Or at least come up with a solid plan for yourself to move forward. Don't wait any longer, you gave yourself the 2 week timeframe, stick to it so you don't let YOURSELF down. Don't compromise things you promised to yourself. It will help you feel better sticking true to your needs. 

If he was really remorseful and all of that, he would find any way possible to get rid of her. If there is a will, there is a way - even in that situation. Obviously, he doesn't have the will....


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Oh Sad, I'm sorry you are having a rough day.
> 
> Now what you need to do is enforce consequences. Or at least come up with a solid plan for yourself to move forward. Don't wait any longer, you gave yourself the 2 week timeframe, stick to it so you don't let YOURSELF down. Don't compromise things you promised to yourself. It will help you feel better sticking true to your needs.
> 
> If he was really remorseful and all of that, he would find any way possible to get rid of her. If there is a will, there is a way - even in that situation. Obviously, he doesn't have the will....


I am realizing this more and more each day. I think that is what is sparking the pain today. No will not even for the sake of his son.

I feel like telling him his mother knows everything. I mean everything even the things I did. She is disgusted with his behavior. Part of me thinks it will snap him out of this crap even more if I tell him his mother knows? What are your thoughts?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Hate to say it but 70% of us are jerks,make the rest look bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Just for the record Calvin....I don't lump you in that dreadful 70%.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> Just for the record Calvin....I don't lump you in that dreadful 70%.


You're just trying to appeal to his inner niceguy!

Deep down, he's an asshat, just like the rest of us


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> He is a *grown man* and is *solely responsible* for every action he takes and word he speaks. Period.
> 
> To blame her or blame yourself for his affair is to take on responsibility for his actions yourself, which, while it seems loving and forgiving, actually prevents him from growing up and taking full responsibility for his life and keeps you both locked into this impossible way of relating to each other. It hurts you both.
> 
> ...


Even when I try to do for him I'm not sure I am enabling him. He still seems to make his own selfish decisions?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You're just trying to appeal to his inner niceguy!
> 
> Deep down, he's an asshat, just like the rest of us


Thanks....I just needed that chuckle. Maybe so, but some of the strangers on here have been way nicer and more supportive to me than my husband ever was in 22 years of a relationship.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks Sad. I know I'm not,just ask CSS.
I really dont think your H can change for good if he's been like this for a long time.He might be able to "hold his breathe" for awhile but it seems he's rooted in his ways.
I've only come across a few people in my life who really took that long hard look at themselves and changed for the better and stuck with it.
Are'nt relationships fun?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Thanks Sad. I know I'm not,just ask CSS.
> I really dont think your H can change for good if he's been like this for a long time.He might be able to "hold his breathe" for awhile but it seems he's rooted in his ways.
> I've only come across a few people in my life who really took that long hard look at themselves and changed for the better and stuck with it.
> Are'nt relationships fun?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
I think that is the difference between him and I, I do want to make myself better and fix my inadequencies. I think one day he will come to regret it. He will regret loosing me too. This could have been fixed with effort. 

I'm not sure I want another relationship. Maybe I should have been born gay. "sigh"


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks....I just needed that chuckle. Maybe so, but some of the strangers on here have been way nicer and more supportive to me than my husband ever was in 22 years of a relationship.


I feel that way too, Sad......now thats Sad....

(you need to change your username....lol)


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad I'm sure you know your happines and sense of well being do not come from another person.
Yes its already in you.Its there,dig thru the clutter and find it again.I think you've been digging and youre getting closer.
I dont think you can depend on him for that.
Keep depending on yourself.You have it in you.
I've seen flashes of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I feel that way too, Sad......now thats Sad....
> 
> (you need to change your username....lol)


 
Yeah...one day I won't feel so sad about what has happened the past two years. One day soon. That thought keeps me going. 

He has tried emailing me several times today. He even included a smiley face in one of his questions. I answered them briefly as they were all about our son and have left my responses all to the minimum. Am I doing it right. I mean I can't not answer questions that are important regarding our son, right? I hate this second guessing myself game. 

I think it would have been easier if he just died suddenly two years ago. I know that is selfish but I wouldn't still be like this 2 years later.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Yeah...one day I won't feel so sad about what has happened the past two years. One day soon. That thought keeps me going.
> 
> He has tried emailing me several times today. He even included a smiley face in one of his questions. I answered them briefly as they were all about our son and have left my responses all to the minimum. Am I doing it right. I mean I can't not answer questions that are important regarding our son, right? I hate this second guessing myself game.
> 
> I think it would have been easier if he just died suddenly two years ago. I know that is selfish but I wouldn't still be like this 2 years later.


He did in a way Sad. The man you met and fell in love with is gone. Or at least the man you thought he was is (or maybe never was??)

I struggle with that thought myself.....that maybe he never was the man I thought he was?? Do you feel that way at all?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad I'm sure you know your happines and sense of well being do not come from another person.
> Yes its already in you.Its there,dig thru the clutter and find it again.I think you've been digging and youre getting closer.
> I dont think you can depend on him for that.
> Keep depending on yourself.You have it in you.
> ...


I know that but it sure helps to have someone. "Sigh"



I have my cardio kickboxing class tomorrow. . I am trying to stay excited for it. 

I just want to feel happiness again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I just want to feel happiness again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Sorry to hear you had a tough day. This is tough stuff. I hope you have a better day tomorrow!



> I feel like telling him his mother knows everything. I mean everything even the things I did. She is disgusted with his behavior. Part of me thinks _it will snap him out of this crap_ even more if I tell him his mother knows? What are your thoughts?





> Even when I try to do for him I'm not sure I am enabling him. He still seems to make his own selfish decisions?


Does he make his own decisions and suffer the consequences of his decisions on his own or do you have _to do something_ to help _him_ understand what he's done?

Keep focusing on you. He needs to do this on his own (or not if he so chooses).


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad has he had counseling? Is he willing?
Prayers Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Does he make his own decisions and suffer the consequences of his decisions on his own or do you have _to do something_ to help _him_ understand what he's done?
> 
> Keep focusing on you. He needs to do this on his own (or not if he so chooses).


Honestly, I am not sure he has the personality to even suffer his consequences. I think he is suffering from what happened more recently. I think it has humbled his pride and I think he sees what a POS thing he did. I do think he is snapping a bit out of the fog with her. Although he seems to be making more positive contact with me and in addition to the call I got last Thursday with a sincere apology he still seems somewhat distant. I think it is more of his embarrasment he is distancing himself. I believe this because of his personality. I think over the years he just expected for me to do everything for him and worse thing is I expected myself to. When I read that co-dependency stuff it hits me hard. I have always done 100% of the housework, the yardwork, bookkeeping, care for our son, school activities, working, most house repairs and upkeep, etc. and kept him satisfied in the bedroom. I was so fatigued constantly. I got easily aggitated alot. I was just tired. I can see that now. That co-dependent no more has been an eye opener so far. I feel so used by him now. He was a good financial provider but that isn't what I want. I want someone that wants to listen to me and share their day with me as well. I want someone offer their help to me when needed weather or not I accept it or not. 

Something that bugs the hell out of me is I saw one email between him and OW where he was comforting her because her dog died. I put two pets down that we had together for like 20 years and he didn't even ask how I was when I got back from the vets. That hurts. The more I think about it, I think honestly he loved me for my physical appearance. I don't even know if anything else about me he was attracted to at least he never told me. 

I have come to the conclusion that if he really loved me, he would humble himself and work on the relationship. I know I can't do it for him and I have stopped trying. My main focus the past week has been on me....getting fit again and trying desparately to overcome the co-dependency and trying to detach from him. I just desparately don't want to feel like this anymore so I know I need to do what all of you tell me to do and that is keep it to NC.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. It is going to be a tough day for me. I have vowed to myself to not contact him at all.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad has he had counseling? Is he willing?
> Prayers Sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin, 3 to 4 months into our separation, he has asked me for my therapist information and said maybe he would go soon. Then nothing ever came out of it. He said at one point months after that when I asked him that he isn't going to go and have someone tell him how he should or shouldn't feel. 

When this first came out 3 weeks ago, he said in the first day or two that he wasn't running into therapy right now. I'm not asking him. He needs to do that on his own. I do believe he has noticed positive changes in me from all my therapy so who knows in the weeks to come, maybe he will change his mind but I won't ask him to go. I am getting to the point that I really don't care if he goes or not.

Originally, I thought I would keep showing him my love for him despite what he did. Kind of like in the Fireproof movie. (I know I am stupid. Don't think I don't realize it.) I even thought I would drop off a peice of his favorite dessert tomorrow for our anniversary but have decided to take this NC approach. I think I am now trying to do it for the right reasons....for myself, for my own good to detach. In all honesty, I don't want the day to come and me once again showing my love with nothing in return. I just don't think I can handle that pain tomorrow.

I will probably be whining to you all tomorrow on here to get through the day.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Calvin, 3 to 4 months into our separation, he has asked me for my therapist information and said maybe he would go soon. Then nothing ever came out of it. He said at one point months after that when I asked him that he isn't going to go and have someone tell him how he should or shouldn't feel.
> 
> When this first came out 3 weeks ago, he said in the first day or two that he wasn't running into therapy right now. I'm not asking him. He needs to do that on his own. I do believe he has noticed positive changes in me from all my therapy so who knows in the weeks to come, maybe he will change his mind but I won't ask him to go. I am getting to the point that I really don't care if he goes or not.
> 
> ...


Counseling is a step he's going to have to take himself.
I dont think you should drop off anything for him,at least not now.NC is the right thing to do.
Youre not whining Sad,youre trying to cope,thats all,so dont feel bad about it.We all are.
I'm having one of those days also.
I want CSS....I dont.
We'll all be ok.Keep up your improvements on yourself and hang on Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Counseling is a step he's going to have to take himself.
> I dont think you should drop off anything for him,at least not now.NC is the right thing to do.
> Youre not whining Sad,youre trying to cope,thats all,so dont feel bad about it.We all are.
> I'm having one of those days also.
> ...


I won't. I plan on staying nc for me.

Do you and CSS go to mc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I won't. I plan on staying nc for me.
> 
> Do you and CSS go to mc?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes,we were in MC when she was still having here affair,it didnt go sexual but they did meet in public places 5 times.Our first MC was a joke but it didnt matter since she had no intention of stopping her EA,I knew it.The only proof I had were the love horoscopes I found on her phone and it wasnt my birthdate either.
We have a new MC who we have been seing for about 3-4 months,this one is much better but I'm stuggling.
CSS was very cruel to me during her affair.
Now she's begging me to stay in the marriage.
Like I said,relationships are a lot of fun.
We both do MC and IC with the same counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I think your willingness and hers to go through marriage counseling assuming she putting in the effort shows her remorse. I understand how you feel because of the cruelty i suffered from mine. Is she working her butt off to make things right? I wish mine was trying. harder. Keep working through it. I have read so many success stories affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

calvin said:


> Yes,we were in MC when she was still having here affair,it didnt go sexual but they did meet in public places 5 times.Our first MC was a joke but it didnt matter since she had no intention of stopping her EA,I knew it.The only proof I had were the love horoscopes I found on her phone and it wasnt my birthdate either.
> We have a new MC who we have been seing for about 3-4 months,this one is much better but I'm stuggling.
> CSS was very cruel to me during her affair.
> Now she's begging me to stay in the marriage.
> ...


calvin,

Did you read RDJ's post about Male Leadership?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I think your willingness and hers to go through marriage counseling assuming she putting in the effort shows her remorse. I understand how you feel because of the cruelty i suffered from mine. Is she working her butt off to ? I wish mine was trying. harder. Keep working through it. I have read so many success stories affairs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes,she is doing all the right things,I know she is as remorseful as hell.She found out what her ex high,ex-con bf is really like.She doesnt trust men anymore except me.
Its just a battle in my head everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Yes,she is doing all the right things,I know she is as remorseful as hell.She found out what her ex high,ex-con bf is really like.She doesnt trust men anymore except me.
> Its just a battle in my head everyday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Be patient Calvin. I know it hurts but learn patience. It is the key to true love. Allow CSS to continue to keep doing the right things and eventually it will fade. Your marriage will never be how it was before. The scar of infidelity will always be present in your home however, scars are a reminder, not only of a previous injury but also a deep wound that has healed well. Allow CSS to use it as a reminder for her to not repeat the same mistake again. Just as another scar you may have on your body, say on your knee from a fall when you were a child, was an open wound at the time, but it has healed since and no longer hurts. I bet you don't even remember it's there. In time, the scar of infidelity will fade too. Your marriage will never be the same but because of the wound, you will both learn to never let it happen again and therefore, your marriage can be better than it was before; not the same as before, but better.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Conrad said:


> calvin,
> 
> Did you read RDJ's post about Male Leadership?


I started reading it a few weeks back never finished.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok so don't beat me up about this as I am really struggling with drawing boundaries with my stbxh.

I found this online on an infidelity website. I'm sure some of you have probably already read it but it is a Q&A session for the WS from a BS.




_Q: How long were you in the fog and what did it take to snap you out of it? Answered by Knutsto _
_A: In order to fully understand the scope of this question, it is important that the BS understands what "The Fog" truly is. There is an article in the healing library called "The Fog" that explains it well and I would suggest reading it. In a nutshell, the WS reprograms their brain into thinking that the BS doesn't care about them or their needs, the marriage was doomed and over anyway, and that the OP is the only one who truly understands them. They do this in order to justify their actions and to alleviate their guilt with the thinking that "why don't I deserve a chance at happiness?". They start to believe this thought process because they keep telling themselves over and over again to justify the A in their own minds. It's a form of brainwashing that the WS does to themselves. _

_The fog of a LTA effects the WS differently than the opportunistic, philandering ways of the ONS or short term PA. As I have been in both situations, I can tell you from experience that the mindset of the opportunistic philanderer is "what she doesn't know wont hurt her", "everybody does it", "I'm entitled just to keep it interesting", "It's no big deal", and "It's only sex". All simplified justifications that are more of a character flaw than a true fog. These issues can take some serious introspective and IC. Sometimes life altering trauma such as a death in the family or serious health problems can change the philanderer. For me it was the news of a serious heart condition that made me realize that my days were numbered and that I needed to heal myself and be whole before I died. I had been well into my LTA when I found out. It made me look at my philandering ways, but did not snap me out of my LTA fog. _

_The mindset of the WS involved in an EA or a LTA actually begins long before the AP is even met. Marital problems and poor coping skills allow the WS to start the "brain washing" sometimes years before any thought of infidelity occurs. Internalizing thoughts of dissatisfaction in the marriage instead of talking to their spouse and finding healthy ways to address the dissatisfaction starts to prime the fog machine for A justification. For years before I got involved with my LTAP, I told myself that happiness was overrated, I had responsibilities and obligations to my family. All I was to my wife was a paycheck and a roommate. I told myself this long enough to truly believe it. I never once went to her with my dissatisfaction. I thought that this is just the way marriage was. I was primed for the fog. _

_In my case, both the OW and myself were philanderers. It took us two weeks to the day from the time we met to recognize that we had both met our match. We met in the parking lot after work, called each others bluff on the flirting, and actually made a verbal "no strings attached" agreement. It makes me sick now to even think about it. We were deep into the fog and proclaimed our "love" for each other after just 3 months. We continued our A for a year and 7 months before the fog got so thick that she bought a house and left her husband. Things stepped up a few notches because now she didn't have to lie and hide anymore (except at work). My fog got thicker and I started staying overnight and gave my wife the most lame ass excuses I could think of. My wife was in the BS fog (again, read "the Fog" in the healing library. _

_After 5 months of this, the OW realized that I wasn't planning on leaving my wife and kids (she never asked me to do this and I never suggested it). She started ANOTHER relationship with yet another man before divorcing her H or breaking off with me. I now felt that I was the one being betrayed! Now you would think that this would have snapped me out of it, but it didn't. My poor wife never was considered in this equation. In a knee jerk reaction to the jealousy and pain of having the woman I "loved" betray me, I confess everything to my wife and used that as an excuse to leave to work on things with the OW. The OW and I were like the BS (me) and the WS(her). It truly was a sickness. The fog was so thick I couldn't see the pain I was causing my poor wife and kids, let alone the damage I was doing to myself. I would start to wake up a little and come home to be with my wife and kids. Start a false R, then find out that my OW had started seeing her other OM again, and it would start all over. (Nevermind the fact that the OW was STILL MARRIED!) _

_So to answer the question of how long I was in the fog, I could make an argument that I have been in a selfish fog my whole life. For the sake of this question, I was in the fog of my AP from a few months into the A until about a week before I went NC for real and started true R. _

_For the second part of the question, what did it take to snap me out of it, I'd have to say that it was tough love on my wife's part. She did a true 180, filed for divorce and was just about to get a restraining order against the OW to keep my kids away from me if I was with her. You would think that my perception of the OW cheating on me would have done it, or when my wife outed the A to my boss, I got fired and they gave the keys to MY store to the OW without her even getting questioned about it. It should have been when the OW went back to the other OM three separate times when I didn't make myself available to her, or when I lost the house my W and I were building for our family because of loosing my job, or when the guilt and shame and indecision and depression were so overwhelming that I tried to commit suicide. _

_None of these things did it. It was the combination of healing my faith while I was in the mental hospital, loosing my wife and kids, and realizing how I had completely lost myself. Actually, it was the love of my wife, she's tougher that I gave her credit for and her love for me transcended the bull****. _





So pondering over this and trying to look into the perspective of a WS do I acknowledge our anniversary tomorrow in a very small way? Just what if all this was because I didn't show him enough true love. He didn't feel loved by me because I was off trying to do everything else. What if I was so wrapped up in the co-dependency that I really wasn't living up to my part in the marriage. Do I just try and show him I still care? 

On the other hand, I don't want it to hurt my own growth but what is wrong with acknowledging our anniversary? Is it just going to pull me in? Is it going to make me look too available to him? What if I don't seem interested and he uses that to suppress his true feelings? I guess part of me doesn't want to go. Maybe this is all still part of my co-dependency strugglings.

I pull out God's manual on this marriage stuff (bible) and I read that I should show him continuous love and support. I know it also says to do it with respect and dignity for myself. UGH!!! I have gone back and forth a 100 times today over what to do.


On another note, I had another cardio kickboxing class. It was twice as hard as last week. I struggled towards the end, but I did all the drills. 4 weeks and I bet I start seeing a huge difference if I can keep it up. Twice as old as the other girls is a bit indimidating but I am going back Thursday even if it kills me on the spot. I am determined.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Be patient Calvin. I know it hurts but learn patience. It is the key to true love. Allow CSS to continue to keep doing the right things and eventually it will fade. Your marriage will never be how it was before. The scar of infidelity will always be present in your home however, scars are a reminder, not only of a previous injury but also a deep wound that has healed well. Allow CSS to use it as a reminder for her to not repeat the same mistake again. Just as another scar you may have on your body, say on your knee from a fall when you were a child, was an open wound at the time, but it has healed since and no longer hurts. I bet you don't even remember it's there. In time, the scar of infidelity will fade too. Your marriage will never be the same but because of the wound, you will both learn to never let it happen again and therefore, your marriage can be better than it was before; not the same as before, but better.


Thanks Sad makes me feel better,she is doing all she can.
I dont want to cry on your thread,I have mine where I can do that :- )
Hope youre feeling better Sad. Did you bring him any cake?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Thanks Sad makes me feel better,she is doing all she can.
> I dont want to cry on your thread,I have mine where I can do that :- )
> Hope youre feeling better Sad. Did you bring him any cake?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can cry here anytime. One thing i learned in this mess is to be slow to speak and quick t to listen.

No....anniversary is tomorrow. NC all day so far. I feel like i need a drink. Im going to spend an hour reading my codependency no more book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I think i just found the answer to my questions above.

We can not begin to work on ourselves, to live our lives, feel our own feelings and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession. From the Codependent No More book. I know what i need to do tomorrow. I have scheduled a hair appointment for myself to occupy my morning and distract my pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I think i just found the answer to my questions above.
> 
> We can not begin to work on ourselves, to live our lives, feel our own feelings and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession. From the Codependent No More book. I know what i need to do tomorrow. I have scheduled a hair appointment for myself to occupy my morning and distract my pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great idea, Sad. Take back that day. It may be your wedding anniversary but maybe turn it into celebrating yourself and your son instead. Of course you will feel sad and hurt and that, but if you can reclaim it as a day for yourself, it will help. 

My anniversary was a week before I moved out. Neither one of us ever mentioned it to the other. I don't think I was really even home that day. I dont' remember what I did, but I know I did not dwell on the marriage that I "thought" I had.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I do feel very sad. I dont think he will acknowledge it anyway. I just need to stay strong no matter the pain i feel inside.

Much less contact from him the past few days. A couple quick emails really about our son with a couple smiley faces thrown in there. Its killing me. I keep ondering what he is thinking and feeling. Just really still crumbs and that hurts. 

You seem to have gotten through yours and i will too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> So pondering over this and trying to look into the perspective of a WS do I acknowledge our anniversary tomorrow in a very small way? Just what if all this was because I didn't show him enough true love. He didn't feel loved by me because I was off trying to do everything else. What if I was so wrapped up in the co-dependency that I really wasn't living up to my part in the marriage. Do I just try and show him I still care?


I think you should do what _you_ want to do. Not what you think _he_ expects you to do. Not because you are afraid if you don't acknowledge it will _cause him_ to not feel loved.

Do you see how you are putting so much pressure on yourself to guess what your H thinks and needs and then provide it for him? I know from experience how exhausting that can be and how futile too. You are taking on 100% of the responsibility for the marriage and I don't see how anybody can sustain that.

If you want to acknowledge your anniversary for _yourself_ do it. If you don't want to acknowledge your anniversary because _you're_ still pissed off (rightfully so) don't do it.

But playing this relational chess game against yourself is tough mentally, emotionally, and physically; and the kicker is it doesn't help anyone. Your husband really has to take responsibility for himself and you for yourself - no need guessing what he wants and needs he needs to take care of understanding and expressing those things for himself I think.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hey Sad,how you doing Today?
I know its your anniversary today and that has to sting a little.
I hope youre doing alright.Make the appointment for your hair cut?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Happy Anniversary Sad.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I think you should do what _you_ want to do. Not what you think _he_ expects you to do. Not because you are afraid if you don't acknowledge it will _cause him_ to not feel loved.
> 
> Do you see how you are putting so much pressure on yourself to guess what your H thinks and needs and then provide it for him? I know from experience how exhausting that can be and how futile too. You are taking on 100% of the responsibility for the marriage and I don't see how anybody can sustain that.
> 
> ...


Very good advice. The 2nd paragraph really hit me. You are so right....i have done nothing but keep the marriage going basically as long as i remember...maybe the whole marriage. I am exhausted. I have been for a long time. 

I am not sure what my plans will turn out to be. Part of me wants to acknowledge it and the other part thinks about what you said as its always me holding it together. Its me wondering if he will pause to think about me at all today. I dont want to be so consumed with these thoughts any more. 

Right now i scheduled an appointment for me for some pampering. Trying to stay focused on me.

Can't help feeling sad about what is though.

Thanks for the great advice. I have added you to my mental list of favorite wise men. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Boxhead and Calvin....thank you.

Not so happy though Boxhead....quite sad actually. I am trying to focus on the good things like the improved communications and his slow attempts to change things.

Calvin, i guess i am very weary about his true intentions still. It scares me as i dont want to go backwards in healing. He is doing small things to build trust and i am doing the same. Hard though with trying to heal and work on detaching from the codependency.

I did make my appointment for some pampering. Crazy though as i try to relax my heart keeps pounding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

It's just another day, Sad. You don't have to do something special today to keep the marriage from falling apart. It's just another day. Take good care of yourself: pampering, movie, whatever you need today!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> It's just another day, Sad. You don't have to do something special today to keep the marriage from falling apart. It's just another day. Take good care of yourself: pampering, movie, whatever you need today!


Thanks....I really needed to hear that. Struggling a bit....its just the unknown that i am fearing. Hurts thinking that there a chance he hasn't given one thought about me today.

You did though and so have the others who posted on my thread though. So that helps to know there are good caring people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I know it's hard today. I got a one sentence text on my wedding anniv. this year. Very business like. My birthday was a few weeks ago and absolutely no acknowledgement. It stung. First time in 15 years . 

He may reach out but try not to read too much into it. It may be just to ease his guilt and string you along. Take care of yourself and enjoy your pampering.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

He called a little bit ago regarding an email I sent to my son's an email I sent to my son's teacher. He made no mention of our anniversary. At the end of the phone call I said hey I just wanted to let you I thought about you today. He was quiet for a second and then he just started talking about calling our son tonight after his game. 


He called last night and we had talked about things in our marriage that went wrong. It was a positive conversation and ended good but then he reacts like he did today. 

I am hurting badly because of his reaction on the phone. I know i messed up saying anything to him. I feel like crap. I feel i will not make it out of this alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

You know how tough Synthetic and I get on people who focus on every twitch by their former partners?


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

You said, you know I have been thinking about you. You pointed out the obvious and I think you know why. You were hoping that he would say me too. You have to STOP that.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Feeding into the thoughts of him, about him, what he feels, thinks, cares about, if hes thinking anything about you, the marriage, the OW.........it just takes away your life force, Sad. It gives the power of YOU away by giving your thoughts to HIM. 

I'm really sorry that was his reaction on the phone when you mentioned that. But that is another example of how trying to figure out his emotions is giving your own power away. 

But that right there - how he didn't even acknowledge what you said. That ACTION alone shows you where he stands. 

I think you have an appointment with a lawyer still next week? Is that your plan going forward due to OW still being at his work? 

Try to focus on your plan, hopefully that will at lest take your mind off of what HE is feeling or thinking....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jdlash said:


> You said, you know I have been thinking about you. You pointed out the obvious and I think you know why. You were hoping that he would say me too. You have to STOP that.


That is totally codependent behavior.

Telling him something to "get" a response.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> You know how tough Synthetic and I get on people who focus on every twitch by their former partners?


I know Conrad. I want to stop it and i just dont know how. I wasn't looking for him to say the same thing back.....just that he recognized the day and the fact we had been together a long time. I just feel i am just a lost cause.....i just buried myself too deep in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I just want to give you the biggest hug Sad xx 
Today sucked big time, you had a relapse, you wanted to know he was hurting as much as you.. He's not. He has a posOW to focus his thoughts & feelings on. 

Learn from his reaction.. Remember how it stung.. Ask yourself a question before you seek re-assurance from him again.. Ask yourself " am I willing to be stabbed through the heart by his indifference again?" 

You know the answer.. Do not expect anything but the worst from him, do not put yourself in a position where he can hurt you again. 
You can take away that power from him. 
When you do, it's liberating...

Big hugs xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm sorry Sad but I feel you need to lose him,what is a kind,loving,gentle intelligent lady like you doing with him,you deserve so much better.
It hurts,I know.
I'm sorry Sad.He's selfish.Youre the only one putting in the effort here.
Believe me I wish he'd come to his senses and realise what he has in a woman like you.
Life is nuts sometimes isnt it?
Its also cruel if we let it be.
CSS only came around when I was willing to give her what she wanted....a life without me and as much as it hurt,I was willing to let her go at that point.
Still in my prayers Sad.I think you need to be selfish and do the things you want,the things that make you happy.
Life is short Sad,do what you want to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Learn from his reaction.. Remember how it stung.. Ask yourself a question before you seek re-assurance from him again.. Ask yourself " am I willing to be stabbed through the heart by his indifference again?"
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is exactly what it feels like. I don't want this to happen any more and just can't figure out how to stop myself from letting him. I feel so stupid. Maybe I just deserve all this for some reason. I don't want to talk to him tomorrow so I hope he just doesn't call me or anything. I just need some space now myself.

Thanks for your caring support.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

OMG....he just called. I let the phone ring. I didn't answer it. Unless his mom died, I really don't care. My son is with me now so I know he is fine. He can go directly to Hell without even passing Go. I'm going to bed early for once. I'm not staying up and reading anything about relationships tonight. I just don't care right now.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wish you the best Sad.
I feel my advice stinks,I'm not one to be giving relationship advice in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Wish you the best Sad.
> I feel my advice stinks,I'm not one to be giving relationship advice in the first place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Your advice never stinks. It is supportive and caring and that is what I just need sometimes and I appreciate it.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> I'm sorry Sad but I feel you need to lose him,what is a kind,loving,gentle intelligent lady like you doing with him,you deserve so much better.
> It hurts,I know.
> I'm sorry Sad.He's selfish.Youre the only one putting in the effort here.
> Believe me I wish he'd come to his senses and realise what he has in a woman like you.
> ...


It makes sense with letting her go....guess its the letting go that I am stuck on.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Sad,
F**k him. Serve his a** and move on. Then you will get exactly what you want. Remember, you are the prize here.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Sorry Sad. I think you just needed a reminder today. Life is good about giving us what we need.

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference._​
You can control only you. Time to get up, dust yourself off, and get back to the work at hand. The work of breaking free of this painful cycle of codependency and building your new awesome life!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Sorry Sad. I think you just needed a reminder today. Life is good about giving us what we need.
> 
> _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,_
> _The courage to change the things I can,_
> ...


Thank you Dazedguy. I have copied some of your posts to my phone to reread when I am having episodes. You are right, I am so co-dependent that I find myself crying over even reading other posters thread on here. 

My phone rang again this morning. It was him. It happened to be at the moment, I was reading through some of the posts I have on my phone. I didn't answer the phone. I just need to keep doing this. I did wake up today feeling bitterness in my heart for him. I keep thinking everytime he does something bad to me, it is the last insult and then I fall victim again to him. I think his behavior yesterday was enough. I have a therapy appointment today with a doctor I see for biofeedback (relaxtion/meditation). He doesn't know all of my story but he usually offers me some solid advice. He told me to read that Co-dependency No More book my last visit. I am going to discuss some of the things I have read so far.

Thank you for being there for me. I am a bit better than yesterday. I am going to force myself to the gym after my appointment and then work on getting my resumes circulating. I know he will try and call me again. I am just going to ignore it again like I did last night and this morning. On a good note....I am down 2 more pounds from last week....but my muscles are very sore and tired. I think I will skip the cardio kickboxing class today and just work out cardio at the gym. If anything, at least I am boosting my appearance confidence again.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Another call and text from him....i ignored them. I am physically and mentally exhausted. The therapist told me to go home and sleep a couple hours....no exercise. So i am going to do for me and screw him. I am going to make my son his favorite dinner tonight....lasagna and play a game with my son. I am going to change the things i can today and not worry about tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok....actually funny now.....I came home from my appointment....wanted to take a nap which I usually don't do but am feeling a bit exhausted today. I just wanted to feel productive for my son later and my phone rings again. He left a message telling me he tried to call earlier and I didn't answer. Then my phone beeps and says I have an email. Email from him says he tried calling and I wasn't answering so he though maybe my phone wasn't working so he'd try and email me. I feel like saying, NO IT'S JUST THAT MY BRAIN IS FINALLY WORKING TODAY. I assume if it was important he would have left a message. In all honesty unless he is calling to tell me the other women is gone then I don't care at this point what he has to say and right now, I don't even care if she is gone or not. 

I'm turning my ringer off and going to sleep for an hour. I am doing for me today.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Ok....actually funny now.....I came home from my appointment....wanted to take a nap which I usually don't do but am feeling a bit exhausted today. I just wanted to feel productive for my son later and my phone rings again. He left a message telling me he tried to call earlier and I didn't answer. Then my phone beeps and says I have an email. Email from him says he tried calling and I wasn't answering so he though maybe my phone wasn't working so he'd try and email me. I feel like saying, NO IT'S JUST THAT MY BRAIN IS FINALLY WORKING TODAY. I assume if it was important he would have left a message. In all honesty unless he is calling to tell me the other women is gone then I don't care at this point what he has to say and right now, I don't even care if she is gone or not.
> 
> I'm turning my ringer off and going to sleep for an hour. I am doing for me today.


Good for you, Sad!!!

Yes, if it was extremely important/an emergency/about the OW he would leave a message indicating such, I'm sure. Or send you a detailed email. Or text. SOMETHING. Not just "you didn't answer is your phone working"

He is just trying to reach out for contact to make sure you are still there waiting for him. He is probably starting to panic since you haven't responded. Let him.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Good for you, Sad!!!
> 
> Yes, if it was extremely important/an emergency/about the OW he would leave a message indicating such, I'm sure. Or send you a detailed email. Or text. SOMETHING. Not just "you didn't answer is your phone working"
> 
> He is just trying to reach out for contact to make sure you are still there waiting for him. He is probably starting to panic since you haven't responded. Let him.


Yep....he messaged me about our son's game yesterday. I am not sure his true intent was to ask me what he did because it was very general and he tells me how busy he is at work so to call and message that many times is weird. I just said he played well and he is fine and left the text to that. My answer was quick and to the point.

I am not feeling too well. Very run down. I tried to take a nap but tossed and turned with thoughts and anxiety. I popped back on here to read every ones messages to me for strength. I just feel so angry and so hurt because of him and i believe its enough to start keeping away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Sorry Sad. I think you just needed a reminder today. Life is good about giving us what we need.
> 
> _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
> The courage to change the things I can,
> ...




Just thinking about this prayer. I think the key for me right know is the wisdom to know what i can and can not change. The wisdom is what i need to seek out and learn to do from the wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Yep....he messaged me about our son's game yesterday. I am not sure his true intent was to ask me what he did because it was very general and he tells me how busy he is at work so to call and message that many times is weird. I just said he played well and he is fine and left the text to that. My answer was quick and to the point.
> 
> I am not feeling too well. Very run down. I tried to take a nap but tossed and turned with thoughts and anxiety. I popped back on here to read every ones messages to me for strength. I just feel so angry and so hurt because of him and i believe its enough to start keeping away from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok....so my co dependency question is:

After the above text was answered....few hours later, i was on the phone and another call came in so i clicked over.....it was him again and he started the conversation with i am sorry to bother you but its bothering me 
bout our son's ice time at the game.....(not really a big issue...he is making more out of nothing). I don't know why he'd ask the same thing again that wasn't a big deal to begin with. How do i distance myself from him if he uses our son for conversations? I have been trying to only answer son related stuff but seemed like today he was stretching for a reason to call? I would normally be thrilled he called but i dont want to live like this anymore. I want to get better. Cant file the signed papers until November. So how do i draw a boundary with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Ok....so my co dependency question is:
> 
> After the above text was answered....few hours later, i was on the phone and another call came in so i clicked over.....it was him again and he started the conversation with i am sorry to bother you but its bothering me
> bout our son's ice time at the game.....(not really a big issue...he is making more out of nothing). I don't know why he'd ask the same thing again that wasn't a big deal to begin with. How do i distance myself from him if he uses our son for conversations? I have been trying to only answer son related stuff but seemed like today he was stretching for a reason to call? I would normally be thrilled he called but i dont want to live like this anymore. I want to get better. Cant file the signed papers until November. So how do i draw a boundary with this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so this is how i have been handling it when my ex either goes off topic or stretches it out... "oh i have to go now"- that usually seems to work, its not rude, im not hanging up on him but its lets him know the conversation is done. It has been recommended to me to let his call go to voice mail and if he leaves a message only text/email him back (though obviously he caught you off guard) I have been trying that more recently due to his tantrum behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> so this is how i have been handling it when my ex either goes off topic or stretches it out... "oh i have to go now"- that usually seems to work, its not rude, im not hanging up on him but its lets him know the conversation is done. It has been recommended to me to let his call go to voice mail and if he leaves a message only text/email him back (though obviously he caught you off guard) I have been trying that more recently due to his tantrum behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I have to go now....good advice. I will keep that in mind next time. He usually sticks to our son as the topic but today I felt like he was just going a little overboard on the same topic. I can't figure his up and down moods but I don't want to keep being pulled in. I was a wreck yesterday. Thanks for the advice Unsure.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok...i have a situation now....the guy from the dating site....we talk a lot but just as platonic friends. He knows my situation. Well he invited me to the Pitt football game. Do i go? Is it just going to complicate my life....mess with my head?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

This might not be popular advice but I wouldn't go. You aren't platonic friends. You have an emotional connection formed by sharing your situation. You and his relationship is in that nebulous place somewhere between friends and lovers. You are really just beginning to detach from your husband and it seems way too soon to start another relationship at this point. Friendships are great right now, but you two have already crossed that line into something more than just new acquaintances.

I don't see what is to be gained by involving yourself emotionally with any men right now. Not until you have processed what has happened to your marriage and not until you've really learned / grown from this experience enough not to repeat it.

I wouldn't normally offer up such blunt advice, but you asked. My advice is don't do it. My advice is also not to share your situation with men at all (unless it's with men you'll never meet like me ). I think at best that will only bring more confusion into your life and at worse you'll end up getting into another relationship before you're ready and then have to deal with all of the consequences of that decision (which may hurt more than what you've already experienced). 

Try building up a network of women (from a support group, or church, or the gym, or meetup.com) that you can share this with and that can support you emotionally more than folks online can. That way you get all of the love and support you're craving but none of the risk of slipping into a difficult situation with a new man. My $0.02.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> This might not be popular advice but I wouldn't go. You aren't platonic friends. You have an emotional connection formed by sharing your situation. You and his relationship is in that nebulous place somewhere between friends and lovers. You are really just beginning to detach from your husband and it seems way too soon to start another relationship at this point. Friendships are great right now, but you two have already crossed that line into something more than just new acquaintances.
> 
> I don't see what is to be gained by involving yourself emotionally with any men right now. Not until you have processed what has happened to your marriage and not until you've really learned / grown from this experience enough not to repeat it.
> 
> ...


It was bugging me basically because of everything you just said. I just never seem to meet any women my age. Frustrating. My son will be gone with stbxh all weekend....almost 2 years of spending weekends alone i think is getting to me. I know your opinion is the right one...i guess i was looking for confirmation. I don't want my needy personality causing attachment to someone else now. 

Oh...by the way....he doesn't know details....just that i am still married...can't process the final decree until November and that i would not date until its finalized.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I hear you. It's been 1.5 years since my wife left and I put my life on hold so I can relate to what you're feeling. Going back to work will help you a lot I think since you'll be around other people interacting and focusing on something besides what you feel you're losing. 

I'm going to join a group at church and I'm starting to reach out to some friends of friends that I've met once or twice to get together to ride or watch some football at a bar. I think being around people really helps. 

Don't you know some hockey moms you could have lunch with or get coffee during a practice?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I hear you. It's been 1.5 years since my wife left and I put my life on hold so I can relate to what you're feeling. Going back to work will help you a lot I think since you'll be around other people interacting and focusing on something besides what you feel you're losing.
> 
> I'm going to join a group at church and I'm starting to reach out to some friends of friends that I've met once or twice to get together to ride or watch some football at a bar. I think being around people really helps.
> 
> Don't you know some hockey moms you could have lunch with or get coffee during a practice?


I thought about everything you said in your previous post and so today, I let the other man (strictly a friend) know that I just needed some space for awhile. He was very understanding. To take it a step father I put a block on my phone with his phone number so that I would not be tempeted when I am feeling lonely to contact him either. You are absolutely right. Talking to someone of the opposite sex does bring you closer with the possibility of a relationship developing. I really don't want that at this point in time. I have too much to fix in myself. I don't want to feel the way I have for a long time. I think removing that from my life although it was nice to have someone to talk to will only help my growth.

I got up and worked out early and I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and a hockey game tonight before I drop my son of with STBXH. I plan on coming home tonight and just reading my Co-dependency book. Tomorrow I will just try and get out so that I will keep busy again.

So far today, I have not heard from him. I really don't expect to since I will be dropping my son off with him tonight. I am thinking and wondering about him, but I dare not contact him. I will fight all my temptations gong forward.

Thanks for raising some good points above; I think your suggestions are what I already knew in my heart but needed to hear them to stop more destruction behavior with myself.

I hope the church group works out for you. Maybe I will contact an old friend of mine this weekend to see how she is doing. I hope you are able to get out and enjoy your weekend.

PS....Most parents at hockey are Dads. The few moms that are there are not your typical mom. Most are loud and obnoxious. Hockey parents are in a whole other world. I can't tell you the fights I have seen with mothers in the parking lot after games. It is very sad. I couldn't imagine my son seeing me carry on like that. We are new to this organization this year where he plays....maybe in time I will get to know someone.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Good for you! I hope your therapy appointment today is helpful you have yourself a great weekend!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

NC all day except when I briefly dropped our son off with him tonight. It's killing me but I know it serves no purpose right now. Just hurts. 

I kept busy today but now that I am alone on a Friday night it just really sucks. I still don't understand how easily he was able to give up. He still doesn't seem happy when I see him. He still does for us and he has told me he still cares for me. I just don't understand it. I know it doesn't matter at this point. Just feels so lonely. I don't know how others get past all this. My therapist thinks from several of our conversations that he is just scared and very embarrased by what he did. I can see that from what I know of his personality. If that is the case....he would rather destroy a long marriage over pride.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Hey Sad!
I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I feel lonely all the time, despite all the things that my STBXH has done to me, I often just wish that he was still here with me. But when I really analyze how I'm feeling, it actually seems like I'm missing my old life more than I'm actually missing him. It's like my comfortable routine was shaken up and it would be nice to just have it back. The good thing about routines is that we can always make new ones. They are not dependent on someone else being there. I don't know if that's helpful at all, but I thought that I would throw in my two cents. 
You do seem to be doing much better than the last time I caught up on your thread. Keep up the good work!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- I am right there with you. Friday and Saturday nights are really hard for me right now too. I miss the routine, we always had busy week-ends together. It's only been 2 months for me, I hope it gets better.

I saw my stbxh for the second time since July today. He completely ignored me and waved to our son. That was it. Saw him going to sons school to ( hopefully) pay for after school care. The only support he has provided this month and has only paid for 2 weeks. Disgusting.

If you live near NC we could hang out.

Pride can destroy many things. My H is the same way.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks CMF and Dignity for talking with me tonight. 

Only 2 months for you CMF. It's been 20 for me and I just don't think I will ever get over this. I just don't have the personality or strength to really make it out of this happy again. I think my issues are just so deep-routed that for the most part I just can't change my thought process. 

Dignity....I often think about what you mentioned and that is do I actually miss him or the routine. I deeply and honestly believe I do still love him tremendously. I know it is hard to believe based on the crap he has done to me but the bottom line is I wasn't the perfect wife either. I had issues that I am beginning to see more clearly (co-dependency) that only contributed to the things he has done to me. 

I am heading to bed early, but want you two to know I am saying a prayer for you both tonight.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I wish I could say something that could comfort you Sad. I had a pretty [email protected]&$y day too. Ruminating. I try so hard. I'm not a bad person. Why can't she even try? Doesn't she remember? Doesn't she care? Don't I mean anything?

I don't have the answers. I don't know why our spouses can't try and why they can't see the potential and loss we can see. 

I keep reminding myself that I can't control her or what she wants. But I can dam$ sure control me. And I'm going to take care of me by doing whatever I need to do to heal so that i never ever put a woman or relationship above myself again. 

I'm determined to take care of me first from this day forward regardless of what she does or doesn't do.

Try and bring the focus back to you Sad. You'll get through this.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I wish I could say something that could comfort you Sad. I had a pretty [email protected]&$y day too. Ruminating. I try so hard. I'm not a bad person. Why can't she even try? Doesn't she remember? Doesn't she care? Don't I mean anything?
> 
> I don't have the answers. I don't know why our spouses can't try and why they can't see the potential and loss we can see.
> 
> ...


I am sorry for your pain too. It is hard to hear your pain as you always seem so strong. It really shows me that i am by far not alone. Dont be angry at other women that will come into your life...there are many women that would love you endlessly and would put their lovely spouse ahead of them in healthy ways. After all isn't loving someone putting them first? I mean, i know it can be done in unhealthy ways as i am living proof but there are many ways that it seems the right choice to do. 

I really wish i could dig my way out of this hell hole. 

Dazedguy....you are still married? Do you have contact with each other?

I am determined to continue taking care of me. I at least think i have that part of my checklist down. I am working out daily now and my body is starting to crave the exercise again. I was measured today and lost an inch in my abs and arms. My BMI dropped a whole percentage too so in just a month....i am getting results. 

Dazedguy...thanks for all the constant reminders to have faith. I hope when you post them on my thread that they bring you comfort and peace as well. It amazes me the really supportive,decent and honest men that i have talked with on this site. Ones that actually care about their marriages and would fight for them. I am scratching my head and wondering why mine could not be like this. 

I am praying for your peace tomorrow. You need peace as i believe God has sent you here to me to help me through my trials just as i one day will pay if forward with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad, I know you are hurting right now extremely. But I just wanted to say that your posts are getting stronger and I love how you are continuing to focus on you.

Great job on the weight loss. Nice feeling of accomplishment, huh?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Sad, I know you are hurting right now extremely. But I just wanted to say that your posts are getting stronger and I love how you are continuing to focus on you.
> 
> Great job on the weight loss. Nice feeling of accomplishment, huh?


 Thanks VI Bride. I really appreciate it. I was lying here in bed thinking about what dazedguy said about why won't his spouse just try. Its so hurtful the rejection. 

My mind started wondering to that lil POSOW and how dear her and how dear he? I only give him somewhat of a break because i know he wasn't in his right mind but she is a piece of trash manipulator. 

I am also getting angrier by the minute of how he handle all this and how he made me feel so low down all year and how he still continues not to be more remorseful. You and CMI and a few of the others are so right when you point out that he is not seriously showing remorse. The enabler in me just keeps protecting his @ss. Ugh.

Thanks for your support. At least the exercise is a first step.

I hope you are doing ok tonight. I keep praying for your financial issues to be resolved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I am sorry for your pain too. It is hard to hear your pain as you always seem so strong. It really shows me that i am by far not alone. Dont be angry at other women that will come into your life...there are many women that would love you endlessly and would put their lovely spouse ahead of them in healthy ways. After all isn't loving someone putting them first? I mean, i know it can be done in unhealthy ways as i am living proof but there are many ways that it seems the right choice to do.


What I wrote sounded more bitter than I intended, but my perspective has changed through all of this. I'm not angry at women  and I understand that marriage involves sacrifice by putting other's needs ahead of your own sometimes. I'm good with all of that, but I no longer believe I need to sacrifice myself for anyone. In other words if a relationship is killing me (literally) and my spouse is not trying to improve our marriage, then I'm done.



sadwithouthim said:


> Dazedguy....you are still married? Do you have contact with each other?


I am still married for another 3 weeks. In 3 weeks I get to stand before a judge as a plaintiff in a divorce I never wanted but after 1.5 years of waiting for my wife to come back or go to marriage counseling or say or do anything that indicates that she's trying, I'm putting my new philosophy into action. I'm done. We don't talk. We exchange emails a couple of times a week. Just about logistics around the divorce and house. From her I just get indifference to everything. She's in a different place.



sadwithouthim said:


> Dazedguy...thanks for all the constant reminders to have faith. I hope when you post them on my thread that they bring you comfort and peace as well.


When I read about your difficultly letting go and breaking the codependency I can very much relate. I think we're traveling down the same road.



sadwithouthim said:


> I am praying for your peace tomorrow. You need peace as i believe God has sent you here to me to help me through my trials just as i one day will pay if forward with someone else.


Thanks Sad. I'm spending the next 3 weeks deconstructing our life together: selling our stuff, selling the house, moving, driving the divorce. So I'm sure I'm going to have ups and downs, but I'll get through this too.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks VI Bride. I really appreciate it. I was lying here in bed thinking about what dazedguy said about why won't his spouse just try. Its so hurtful the rejection.
> 
> My mind started wondering to that lil POSOW and how dear her and how dear he? I only give him somewhat of a break because i know he wasn't in his right mind but she is a piece of trash manipulator.
> 
> ...


Exercise helps your mood so much. I haven't done anything since Tuesday I think and my body is starting to crave it  Lets keep up the good work!!! 

Its good that you are angry. Just try not to overreact in your mind and initiate contact  Use the anger to detach detach detach. 

It has been 3 weeks, now, Sad? Since your timeline for the OW to be gone? I can see why you are getting angry b/c he is still definitely only looking out for himself at this point. Not you, not the marriage. 

I am doing ok I guess. Had a text off with STBXH about the house. I wanted to know if he would be willing to sit down with me and a real estate lawyer and help pay so we could get an agreement where neither gets screwed. Nope. He doesn't want to do that. Says its fine b/c he is staying in the house now and would rather draw up a lease agreement...WTF??? I'm not going to be the flippin' landlord...I want to be off of the mortgage!!!! Not take ownership...ugh...his thinking just baffles me sometimes. Oh wait, its ok b/c it works out for HIM. Doesn't matter what I need or want to move on with my life or to protect myself financially...........

Anyways, hang in there. Happiness is waiting for you out there.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I'm signed up for a daily email from DivorceCare and this is what they sent me this morning. Crazy timing right. Hmmm

_Filling the Gaps
Day 171

Sometimes people mistakenly think they need a new relationship for their healing to be complete. This is never true. True healing involves God, time, and personal and spiritual growth. What is confusing, though, is that a new relationship can cause you to feel like you are healing, when you are not. 

"The relationship was filling in gaps that needed to be healed, not just filled in. My healing was being delayed, and once the relationship broke off, the hole was even bigger than it was when my wife left," says Marc.

When the painful gaps from your first marriage are being filled with something other than Christ, you can falsely think you are healing. The open wounds and bitter losses from your first marriage and from the divorce process need to be filled with God's healing power. 

Here are some ways to begin filling the gaps God's way. You can read the Bible and study specific passages in depth, spend time with Christian friends, pray, do volunteer work, start a new hobby, spend time listening to God, get involved in a Christ-centered support group, attend counseling, read, and enjoy family and friends. This is not to suggest a whirlwind of activity, but relaxed, focused moments spent building relationships with God, family, and same-sex friends._


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I'm signed up for a daily email from DivorceCare and this is what they sent me this morning. Crazy timing right. Hmmm
> 
> _Filling the Gaps_
> _Day 171_
> ...


 
I get these too but yes....what a perfect reminder at the appropriate time. Thank you for sharing that. Now I just have to work on believing it. I think not only do I struggle with the co-dependency but the fact that I have never been alone. I was with my husband since I was 18. When I think back to that, I think wow....I was just a child still. Can I ask how old are you Dazedguy? You just seem so smart so my guess is you must be at least close to my age as wisdom doesn't come easy and takes a whole life time of living to acquire some but yet you never come close to perfecting it.

I laid in bed a very long time this morning. My heart was racing through out the night. I felt angry and just keep playing things in my mind over and over about how horrible he treated me for over a year and a half and yet he was having an affair with someone we both knew a very long time. It was a full blown affair with dates and the pictures are just so hurtful. I was thinking how still he shows little remorse. I thought giving him time to overcome his embarrasment would help but it is going into the 4th week now and I'm not so sure to what extend he feels his remorse still. I believe he knows he messed up big time and I do believe he is seeing her for what she is but that doesn't matter. What matters is how he treats me going forward. I feel today that I don't really want him back even if I still feel love for him. I feel like I will always just compair myself to her. Deep down I know I know I am much more desireable to most men than she would ever be but still find myself second guessing. I don't want to live that way. 

Do men who are in love with their spouse really ever compair them to other women? I honestly can say, as a women, I have never compaired my husband to other men. I loved him for him. 

I want to write more to you on your previous post but need to get out of my house for a while. My mind is weak today and I think staying in and reading TAM is only going to make me spiral downward. I am heading to my brothers. He has a punching bag in his exercise room. I am gong to go do a good workout. I am going to keep focusing on me. 

I prayed for you again this morning that you find content and happiness in your day today.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Thanks for the prayers Sad. I think getting out and not reading TAM all day sounds like a good plan.

I'm 40 and my wife and I have been together since we were 18 and 21. I understand how it feels to find yourself alone again after so many years of being a couple, but the reality is you've been alone already for 2 years. If you're going to be alone anyway it seems like it's better to be alone on your terms - taking care of yourself, growing, having fun, making new friends - than on someone else's terms waiting for them to choose whether or not you can be happy. Does that make sense?

A few months ago I hit a wall. After spending 1 1/2 years trying to do, say, convince, persuade, and explain to my wife how great we were and how much we needed to fight for our marriage it hit me that if I have to do something to get her to understand how wonderful our marriage is, then is it really wonderful or am I holding on to what I thought I had? At that point I decided to stop trying to get her to see what I thought I saw and I filed for divorce. I made the decision to give her the opportunity to think about what she was losing on her own during the 90 day waiting period and give her the chance to either come to the conclusion that this is important to her or do nothing. So far she’s done nothing, and in three weeks the divorce will be finalized. 

When I made that decision I still felt compelled to try and save her from destroying our marriage. I know that’s so messed up, but that’s what I was desperately trying to do. I still today feel the tugs of codependency telling me I need to call her or text her this one more thought or feeling, but I fight it. I mentally decided what I am going to do. I decided to take back control of my future and my happiness and I trust that my emotions will eventually catch up to that decision one day.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi sad,someone,who was much older and wiser than me at the time,once told me that if I compare myself to others I run the risk of being bitter or vain.As I've read your posts I've never once felt that you are a person that is full of herself,so I worry about the bitter aspect when you compare yourself to the OW.Don't let her have that power over you.Just for today at the very least,I hope you find some freedom from the turmoil you're in and find something that brings a smile and a few moments of happiness that reminds you that life can and will be good again.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Hi sad,someone,who was much older and wiser than me at the time,once told me that if I compare myself to others I run the risk of being bitter or vain.As I've read your posts I've never once felt that you are a person that is full of herself,so I worry about the bitter aspect when you compare yourself to the OW.Don't let her have that power over you.Just for today at the very least,I hope you find some freedom from the turmoil you're in and find something that brings a smile and a few moments of happiness that reminds you that life can and will be good again.


 
You synopsis is abosolutely true. It does seem to be making me a bit bitter. I feel better today though. I had a good night and did end up smiling a bit. It felt good.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So I decided to get dressed up and went out last night. I meet some people from a meetup group; one person was there that I had met before so it made going out a bit easier. I had a good time and really enjoyed getting out. I met some really nice people and it is just what I needed last night. I probably had a couple too many glasses of wine but it was quite fun to loosen up a bit.

I got a few text from my stbxh and felt very annoyed; not happy he texted me. I feel it is finally time and that I am detaching somewhat. I know it will be a while before I fully let go but I enjoy when these detachment feelings pop up.

I had a guy when we were out sent me over a drink which was quite a confidence booster. The more I keep working on me and the more I am able to rebuild my confidence, I believe the more I will keep detaching. I'm actually feel I am looking forward to some freedom soon at least for today.

It is a beautiful prefall day here so I plan on going for a 2 mile run for cardio exercise. I lost another pound the past week. Yay me!


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Yay you indeed!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

cantmove said:


> My stbx says that crap to me all the time. It's his way of avoiding the conversation in that moment. He really has no intention of talking to me about stuff later he's just blowing me off. And saying he wants to be friends is bs too. They don't don't want to feel bad because we hate them for [email protected] us over. *If we remain friends they have no guilt.*


Definitely see where you are coming from! To paraphrase my STBXW in a FB posting to a "mutual friend": "I can just never follow his logic. I called him up because he was 'stealing' and saw that as a sign of reconciliation. He's a nice guy, but needs to get a clue. I don't wish him bad; *let's just be done and be friends*!"

Trust me! Her conscience, provided that she has one, would feel greatly better if I chose to go the "friends" route. Well, I'm not! Not that it really means anything, but that's one wish that I will definitely not try to fulfill for her! Regardless of whether it in any way helps with her conscience or not!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Yay for you! Glad to see you got out and about last night,enjoyed yourself and expanded your world a little more.....when you're detaching it helps to reattach to life again.There's so much going on in the world.It doesn't have to be about dating....just not being alone and isolated......getting out and meeting new people,sharing a laugh,good conversation and new ideas brings some positivity to our lives.Keep it up sad.I'm rooting for you all the way!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

TBT said:


> Yay for you! Glad to see you got out and about last night,enjoyed yourself and expanded your world a little more.....when you're detaching it helps to reattach to life again.There's so much going on in the world.It doesn't have to be about dating....just not being alone and isolated......getting out and meeting new people,sharing a laugh,good conversation and new ideas brings some positivity to our lives.Keep it up sad.I'm rooting for you all the way!


Love this. Just b/c you are going out and meeting people doesn't mean date or sleep with them. Just live life, have fun and enjoy conversation and laughs.

I have joined a few Meetups too, Sad.  They are actually really cool. I joined a photography one and we went to Detroit to take pictures of the sunrise over the Detroit River on Sat. Met a great couple. Had breakfast with them afterwords and exchanged email addresses. Its just nice to meet people who have enthusiasim for life!!

It sounds like you are doing good and taking care of yourself, working on you and not giving away your power to your STBXH. I am so happy to come here and read your posts the past few days. You are definately getting stronger. Keep up the great work


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Yay for you! Glad to see you got out and about last night,enjoyed yourself and expanded your world a little more.....when you're detaching it helps to reattach to life again.There's so much going on in the world.It doesn't have to be about dating....just not being alone and isolated......getting out and meeting new people,sharing a laugh,good conversation and new ideas brings some positivity to our lives.Keep it up sad.I'm rooting for you all the way!


 
Thanks so much. It felt really good. I hope I can keep pushing myself. The people on here have helped tremendously.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Not feeling it for him even after seeing him when he dropped our son off. I think deep in my mind its because i know someone else would love me and treat me more respectfully. Thinking i am tired of working so hard for a relationship....much easier to start over now.

Oh...DS said something to him about my kickboxing classes and he said dad said he commented on how he is impressed and that he thought it was amazing i was taking up kick boxing. He is what unsure says...an @sshat. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Yep....I woke up feeling good and still disconnected. I got a nice text message from someone knowing what i am going through right now that just said Good morning. It a beautiful day and you are a beautiful person so go and enjoy your day. (Someone from that meetup group.) Nice way to start your day....nice to have made an impact on someone that thought of me enough to wish me well today. 

I have no desire to contact him today. I can care less if that POSOW is there today or not. I feel no hatred for her right now. I feel I know she will get her own. She will always be an ugly person inside for what she did. I will continue growing to be the best person I can be. 

I found two job leads and plan on getting my resume out to them today. I'm feeling quite excited.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Your friend is 100% right! You sound fantastic! Way to keep the focus on yourself. Best of luck with your job leads.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad, your positivity is radiating in your post today. 

Good luck on the jobs!!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm feeling pretty great today. I think I had a really great weekend. I feel very excited for the first time about a new job. I was pondering over some lyrics from a Kelly Clarkson song this morning. I am just going to keep surrounding myself with positivity today. 


"You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging 
You tried to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone"

I think that part of her song gets to me. It is so real to me. It is what I struggled with the most and you know what, it is becoming clearer and clearer to me. It's taken me longer to sink in than most but the important thing is it is sinking in. "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone." I love that line. I'm understanding it for the first time ever in my life. 


I hope you are feeling good too today Dazedguy. You deserve happiness too.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Sad, your positivity is radiating in your post today.
> 
> Good luck on the jobs!!!


 
It is so amazing how I have felt the past two days. I hope God doesn't let it end. When I saw him stbxh yesterday when he dropped my son off, I didn't feel much for him. I actually felt sad he let his life unwind like that and for a moment I thought, you messed (bad word) up and you lost out. You will never find someone as good as me. You just made some future man very happy. You are truly an @ss. 

As I am writing that to tell you, I truly feel I mean every word of it. 

Thanks for the daily reminders of strength. You guys on here that talk to me are truly amazing people. I am very grateful for all of you. It has provided me with so much growth.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm grinning from ear to ear for you, Sad. Glad you are having such a great day emotionally today. When you see yourself growing and progressing it really helps you move along that much faster.

Love your attitude!!!!!! 

And yes, that Kelly Clarkson song line...perfect. I didn't understand it either until after I moved out and was faced with the divorce. Another good one you might want to try to listen to is "Mr. Know it All" by Kelly...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I'm grinning from ear to ear for you, Sad. Glad you are having such a great day emotionally today. When you see yourself growing and progressing it really helps you move along that much faster.
> 
> Love your attitude!!!!!!
> 
> And yes, that Kelly Clarkson song line...perfect. I didn't understand it either until after I moved out and was faced with the divorce. Another good one you might want to try to listen to is "Mr. Know it All" by Kelly...


 
I'll google that song. I always loved Kelly Clarkson. She was once asked if she was gay cause she wasn't tied down to a man. Fool who asked her that....she is proof you can be strong on your own.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Great way to start the day! Hope it just keeps getting better.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Great way to start the day! Hope it just keeps getting better.


A little tired this afternoon from staying out so late but i feel good. I am off to work out. Still content and not missing anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

That is another good Kelly Clarkson song VI Bride. STBXH I think will be surprised when I don't beg him anymore. I am sitting here thinking I don't even care to know where he is right at the moment. I am on such a high that even if he said he'd go to therapy I wouldn't care. Hell I think I would tell him good luck and to take that POSOW with him. They both need it!!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

How about these lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's Walk Away. Now those are some strong lyrics that are quite fitting to my situation. I like the line "Lovin you has made me this way." and "I want a man by my side not a man who runs and hides."



You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say (say)
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today
Hey

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk (walk) away
(Just walk away)
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its nice to see you this way Sad,I do believe youre turning a corner?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Its nice to see you this way Sad,I do believe youre turning a corner?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think so too Calvin. I dont want him back. Is it possible to wake up one day and realize that? To have a change of heart that quickly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I think so too Calvin. I dont want him back. Is it possible to wake up one day and realize that? To have a change of heart that quickly?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No,I dont think you woke up one day.
I feel after too many days you woke up on a day and realised something.
It took many days of awakening but you figured out your worth.
Good for you Sad.
Awakening is a more fitting word dont you think?
Youre on the the right track now.Stick with it.
Told you that you'd become an insperation.
The credit belongs to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> No,I dont think you woke up one day.
> I feel after too many days you woke up on a day and realised something.
> It took many days of awakening but you figured out your worth.
> Good for you Sad.
> ...


Give me a little more time before you praise me. I'm terrified of going back to a mess. I've had two or three solid days now...I don't want to jinx them. 

I was thinking tonight about how to tell him I don't want any reconciliation.....I know we have to wait until Novemeber to submit the paperwork for finalization but our agreement was to just forget about it until then...but I don't want to. I don't think I want him. I don't think I want to even communicate with him. I don't even care to see him ever again. He did this himself. I was willing to still fight for our marriage even after how he treated me and then was having an affair. I even was going to fight for our marriage after that POS pulled a gun on me. I was even willing to fight for our marriage even after he blamed me for the damn affair and even after he didn't get rid of her right away....but something snapped the way he treated me on our anniversary last week. I think I drew the line there. he's a piece of crap too. I know now, he will never ever find someone as good as me.

I finally feel of worth. I am finally looking to my future. I am finally not even worrying about how the future will be. I just want out Calvin. I want out.

By the way, what you said makes so much sense of it. I guess all the work is finally paying off. Its been building and building.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wow,talk about getting fired up. :-o
Good stuff Sad.You see your worth,I'm glad you do.No I dont see how he could do better than you.
Keep it up Sad.Youre about to hit a homerun .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Wow,talk about getting fired up. :-o
> Good stuff Sad.You see your worth,I'm glad you do.No I dont see how he could do better than you.
> Keep it up Sad.Youre about to hit a homerun .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Yeah Calvin....been like that all day....for a couple days....don't know what the hell happened to me. I'm not complaining and I'm not going to question it. Hope it stays. 

I think it was enough good people telling me what I am worth that it finally stuck. :smthumbup:

He looked a little bad when he dropped our son off yesterday. Not sure if it is stress or what but I don't really give a crap. His problem now. Just nice to turn the tables a bit. Best thing that could have happened was finding out about his affair and him seeing what a POS she really is.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Feeling some hatred today. I keep praying that my feelings will not be so harsh but he has brought the worst out in me. I want this to be over very quickly. I'm dying having to wait til November. I am so done and I don't believe at this point my feeling will change back. 

I plan on telling him soon that I am filing a PFA against her on behalf of my son. I do not want her near him. He will not be allowed to be at my stbxh's business and he will never attend any work related family functions. His loss. He chooses to keep her over our feelings. If he had true remorse our feelings would be put first. 

Someone said to me yesterday that they think I still love him. I stood back and thought to myself that I can't justify that statement. I actually feel nothing anymore for him. My mind has been wondering and consumed with thoughts of my own life. I'm embracing that and don't want to turn back to the old me. I thought about how I could have destroyed my son's life let alone my own when I came so close to taking my own life. For him....it makes me sick. 

Part of me wants him to feel so much guilt like I did for over a year but it does me no good to wish someone else ill will. I don't think he ever will feel what I did. I don't treat him like he treated me. I don't wish it on him because I know how it feels. It doesn't make me a better person to wish him ill will. So I can see the only way to get these feelings out of my mind is to get away from him.

I don't want to be his friend after this. I don't even care to speak with him afterwards. He is well mistaken if he thinks I will still be his friend.

Dazedguy and VI Bride both told me to not give thought to the OW....to not give my own power away. Thats what I will need to now work on. I don't think about her sometimes but when I do boy do I feel bitter. I think it is because she is still there at the business. In 2 more months I guess it just won't matter anymore.

My family doesn't know anything about what happened. It is starting to kill me keeping it all inside. Part of me wants to tell my family and the other part says no way. So I just keep all of what happened in side me. You people know and my therapist knows. Oh and his mom but we don't talk about it.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Sad you sound amazing and so strong.. Im really proud of you


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Sad you sound amazing and so strong.. Im really proud of you


 
Thank you.

I was thinking about you this morning. A girl I hung out with Saturday night (just met her a few times) texted me this morning and said her friend (who was there Saturday) is dying to ask me out. He's an Engineer....lol So I thought of you. I told her that I wouldn't date until my divorce is finalized (really its because I need to work out my own issues but didn't tell her that) and she said she told him and he mentioned to her he'd wait then. 

I do feel much stronger the past few days. Odd but all of a sudden I just don't really care for him anymore. I guess I was just beat down one too many times now by him.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I very much like my engineer a lot, I highly recommend them 
Doesn't it feel great just to be desired? I know that's not necessarily the "proper" way to heal and grow but I mean after years of not really be wanted it feels nice to have "options"


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Feeling some hatred today. I keep praying that my feelings will not be so harsh but he has brought the worst out in me. I want this to be over very quickly. I'm dying having to wait til November. I am so done and I don't believe at this point my feeling will change back.
> 
> I plan on telling him soon that I am filing a PFA against her on behalf of my son. I do not want her near him. He will not be allowed to be at my stbxh's business and he will never attend any work related family functions. His loss. He chooses to keep her over our feelings. If he had true remorse our feelings would be put first.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't tell him squat about the PFA until after you file it. Don't give him a chance to try to talk you out of it. 

I'm sure your WH feels guilt. But guilty he got caught and all of this happened. Remember, he is selfish. The only thing that will really make him "maybe" realize the gravity of all of this is when you divorce him. 

Sad, why don't you tell your family? Why are you keeping all of this a secret? If you are done, expose everything. Make it known. Your family will provide you and your son with so much support. And exposing it will make everything that much more of a reality for him. The jerk. He makes me so mad. 

You are such a beautiful person. I just can't believe the resolve you have through all of this. I feel like I would have totally fell apart a long time ago having to go through what you have.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I honestly believe it is just my strong loving personality that keeps me together. It kills me to have such negative thoughts towards someone else. Just not in me. I believe the personality was just molded from the family I grew up in (abusive alcoholic father). You just learn things that aren't right as a child but if if would make me a colder meaner person then I would rather have grown up the way I did. I became almost a mother at the age of 11 to my younger sister. Probably where the caretaker in me came from. I will be wiser in my next relationship and as Calvin tells me, I will be so damn picky. Any sign of arrogance and he will be history.

I found out her maiden name....only knew her by her married. I have become quite the private investigator. So I have all the info on her I need now to file the PFA. I am going to ask that attorney about getting the PFA when my appointment comes up. She had an emergency and had to move it to October 2nd. I have begun gathering all the information I need for the appointment. I keep trying to think about my full motives behind getting the PFA. I ultimately don't want my little boy near someone unstable but in a way, I feel I want him to suffer some of the consequences for his action since guilt doesn't seem to be working so much. He will never be able to take him to events that he holds for the employees and their families. He will loose out so much from this. I probably won't tell him until it is filed, but I don't believe he has the power over me anymore to talk me into anything.

I'm not sure all the reasons why I haven't told them. I guess there are many....dont't want my brother going to kill him for the danger he put me in, didn't want them to think poorly of him and I guess a little embarrasment I feel. Sometimes I just feel it is easier to just keep it all in. I guess I don't want to rock the boat either until the divorce is final as I don't want him trying to pull anything financially.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> I very much like my engineer a lot, I highly recommend them
> Doesn't it feel great just to be desired? I know that's not necessarily the "proper" way to heal and grow but I mean after years of not really be wanted it feels nice to have "options"


 
It has been such an ego boost for myself lately. It is amazing how many men have come out of the woodworks as my divorce is becoming known to others. I just need to keep things in perspective and not get into a relationship before I have healed and grown fully. That will be another challenge for me. I need to learn I can be on my own. I just want to concentrate on my new job; however, the attention is nice. What amazes me too is they have all been good looking professional men taking notice in me so I'm not loosing anything by loosing my stbxh. It seems like it will be more of a gain....a gain to have someone actually care for me and show it.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> It has been such an ego boost for myself lately. It is amazing how many men have come out of the woodworks as my divorce is becoming known to others. I just need to keep things in perspective and not get into a relationship before I have healed and grown fully. That will be another challenge for me. I need to learn I can be on my own. I just want to concentrate on my new job; however, the attention is nice. What amazes me too is they have all been good looking professional men taking notice in me so I'm not loosing anything by loosing my stbxh. It seems like it will be more of a gain....a gain to have someone actually care for me and show it.


You will find someone when the time is right, I have no doubt of that. Sad you have a lot to offer the right man, all of us BS TAM women do. We all just need to be more picky this time around ( like calvin said)


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> you will find someone when the time is right, i have no doubt of that. * sad you have a lot to offer the right man, all of us bs tam women do. We all just need to be more picky this time around* ( like calvin said)


amen sista'!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

My resume is floating around out there in the working world. Tomorrow i am going shopping for a new suit for interviewing. I am nervous as its been years seen i last interviewed but i always did well in the process. I know i can do this and do it well. 

No word from stbx since Sunday night. I wonder a little what he is thinking but dont believe i care what his thoughts are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Sad I just noticed you had pics up- dont know why i didn't notice before.. you are super beautiful and a great person he is such an idiot... especially what you described the posOW looked like.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Sad I just noticed you had pics up- dont know why i didn't notice before.. you are super beautiful and a great person he is such an idiot... especially what you described the posOW looked like.


Awwww...Thank you. I think that means more coming from
a woman than even a man. 

It amazes me how many really pretty girls have been cheated on or really disrespected. It can't be because of personality because i have been on TAM long enough to see that these women are kind, smart and caring too. So my assumption is the husband must just truly be jack @sses. I do wonder if coming off that anti depressant has cleared my head to think more clearly. I was so terrified to move forward and now my fears are all fading away. I am looking forward to it.

I read many times the affair isn't about looks....couldnt have been about sex either cause i dont believe i lack in that area so it must have been his own self esteem he is trying to build up. Dont care now....as JPR says...its not my problem now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

JPR is a very smart woman... I agree at LOT of the women here are beautiful and have personality too. What I have seemed to notice is that a lot of us seemed to have either married young or stayed with a guy that we met young, i know jpr was 19 when she met Sasquatch, I was 20 when I met Blues Clues. I think we all just didn't have enough life experience to recognize those red flags at the time. A lot of us here are also caretakers/codependents/enablers so we stood by our "choice". Just what I noticed... I am certainly much more aware of red flags now and more willing to put myself first...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I think it was more about not putting ourselves first...or ignoring the red flags that were there...like "oh he will change, or if not I can accept that behavior"

I was 21 when I met STBXH. I had very low self esteem at the time.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

very true VI, though for me I didnt have low self esteem... but the longer I was with him the harder it was for me to break away. I think for me it was more the caretaker aspect and the control that went along with it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Whatever the reasons are, I am so glad us (i.e. BEAUTIFUL, strong women!!) can figure out the reasons why and learn and grow as people


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

He called tonight. I ignored it. I dont really care about talking about stupid stuff about DS . If he wants to talk real stuff maybe i will listen. "Ahhh, stretch, yawn". I have grown too tired of this game of cat and mouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Followed up by this text....

Hi, had a couple things i wanted to tell you regarding DS. Call me up to about 10 otherwise ill talk to you tomorrow. Nothing that important. Thanks.

What is all that for? He dropped DS off Sunday night. I saw him then. Why didnt he tell me what he wanted to then. DS was with me past 2 days so nothing happened with him? Its BS. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Followed up by this text....
> 
> Hi, had a couple things i wanted to tell you regarding DS. Call me up to about 10 otherwise ill talk to you tomorrow. Nothing that important. Thanks.
> 
> ...


Trying to reel you back in......


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Yep the law of attraction. You move away and he pulls closer.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

> Dazedguy and VI Bride both told me to not give thought to the OW....to not give my own power away. That's what I will need to now work on. I don't think about her sometimes but when I do boy do I feel bitter. I think it is because she is still there at the business. In 2 more months I guess it just won't matter anymore.


I've been there. Years ago my wife had an affair that lasted about 9 months. When it came to light I told myself that she was manipulated by the OM and I quickly forgave her and started couples therapy to help _save_ her and our marriage recover from the damage she caused. I was so determined to hold onto the image I had of my wife that I lied to myself about her responsibility and shifted all of the blame onto the OM. I should've known better then and I should have recognized her responsibility and dealt with it by divorcing her then.

My only advice to you about being angry is don't put it all off on the OW. She deserves your anger. What she did was obviously wrong, but your husband deserves as much or more of your anger. I actually think the fact that you are starting to feel that anger at your husband for what he did is a healthy thing (I'm not a psychologist but at this point I've read enough self-help books to dish out free advice ). I think you're angry at your husband because you're finding a personal boundary: you will not allow anyone to put your life or your son's life in danger. Period. And he did and anger is your way to detach from him because he crossed your boundary. Having boundaries that separate you from other people and limit what you can and cannot tolerate I think is a very, very good thing. 

So let your anger flow. It's completely appropriate to feel. But don't let it consume you. It's there to alert you that a boundary was violated so that you can take action, but I've known women in similar situations that become so focused on the anger / boundary violation that they spend years being angry and eventually bitter. Feel it, take action when someone breaks your boundary, and then move on with your life. Easier said than done. Been there too.  Good luck Sad! We're all pulling for you!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I can't believe I didn't see him for what he really is sooner. I must just not be as bright as I thought or that old saying "love is blind" must really be true.

He sent me a text again this morning and I just said back....didn't see your message. I'm taking "DS" to school now so can't talk. He replied back Good Morning, Ok, I'll call you at lunchtime. So I said back I have my Kickboxing class from noon to 1. (really don't today) He says back, ok, I can call you after that. 

UGH....I have absolutely no desire to talk to him anymore. Nada. None. I don't know how I got to this point but I don't feel so bad any longer.

I'm really sorry Dazedguy that you went through that with your wife. It is something I never want to go through again. You are a good man to overcome that and even work on the marriage and forgive her. Just forgiving alone says a tremendous amount about you.

You are absolutely right about all the anger being put on the OW. I think the anger comes from two things (not even the affair itself). One, she manipulated people and played the poor me for as long as I knew her because her first husband had an affair. She talked about how victimized she was to everyone and how honest she is and then turns around and does what she does. Two, she threatened my life and now I am paying the price for it with now I have it listed as a record (non traffic summons) and it interfers with my son's life. I was never even pulled over for a stop sign violation so it just really embarrasses me and makes me angry he brought that into mine and my son's life.

None the less, I know you are right about he needs to take blame for part of it too. Even I do to an extent. I will take my punishment for my part in it, but all in all I never treated him like dirt like he has done to me. 

I am trying to work on those boundries. I struggle with this the most but I am feeling stronger. I really need to do that for me as a person so I can respect myself more. 

I like how you explained the reasoning behind anger. It is indeed a gift God has given us to alert us. Even Jesus showed anger at one point (the story where he gets angry in the temple). I am feeling less angry today...although I am very tired. My security alarm went off at 3:30 a.m. I locked my son in the bedroom with the phone and went to check it out. I found nothing and this morning I got a call from the security company that it is a low battery in the unit. Needless to say, being woke up in the middle of the night like that was nerve wracking and hard to go back to sleep. 

I have lots of Human Resources job leads today to follow up on. I think I am going to catch an hour of sleep and then hit the resumes again. Somethings bound to turn up soon and I believe when that happens I will move on even quicker. 

Thanks for all the support and information. I hope you have a great day Dazedguy.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Trying to reel you back in......


I'm not sure of his motives. You know at this point I'm not sure I even care what they are. My focus has been two things....job hunting and exercise. Finally feeling some progress. He did get to me a bit last night after calling and texting. I am just glad I was strong enough to ignore it. You know over a week ago, my focus was on what can I do to make him happy and please him. How can I win him back. Now I don't even want him. I am not sure I find anything desireable in him now. Considering it has been just about a full week of these feelings, I don't think I will bounce back to wanting him again. I was driving home from somewhere yesterday and I just thought, I can't find any reason to love him anymore. My focus has switched to how can I make me happy.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> My focus has switched to how can I make me happy.


....you have arrived


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So he called me at about 3:30. I could tell he was reaching a bit for things to say to me. I was polite and unusually upbeat but I was stern and just kept saying yes and uh huh and offer nothing back with the conversation. What he called for could have been emailed. IDK what is up his butt. If he is trying to improve communications then ok I am fine with that but NOT fine with the OW still in the office. That is disrespectful to me. He said I tried to call you and then sent a text cause I wasn't sure if you had your phone with you or not last night. It was almost as if he was wondering where I was. Not like I didn't have DS with me. 

At one point he tried to get me to tell DS that he can't take him somewhere he was suppose to because of a scheduled scrimmage my son has and I said no, you made the plans with him, I knew nothing about them and this is between you two. It is not my stbxh's fault he can't take him but he knows my son will be disappointed. He knew about it for a month and didn't say anything to me. It wasn't my plans and I'm not his liaison to our son. I did his dirty work all year. 

Hey I'm getting a hang of these boundry things. 

So I was putting together an email of notes and things I want to say to him but the bottom line is I want to tell him that I am done and want this over very quickly so I can continue my life. Should I do it now to take the burden off me of the stress of carrying this over my head or would it be in my better interest to hold off until closer to the divorce papers being able to be submitted for finalization?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I think you shouldn't tell him anything. Him being served will make it pretty loud and clear. 

Maybe you should write everything down on a piece of paper or something...the things you want to tell him. Then just fold it up and put it away for now. Don't tell him. That will allow you to get out in your head some of your thoughts. Then maybe after serving him re-read it and see if you still feel like telling him anything...

ETA: He kept you in the dark for over a year and a half...you can keep him in the dark for a couple of months


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I think you shouldn't tell him anything. Him being served will make it pretty loud and clear.
> 
> Maybe you should write everything down on a piece of paper or something...the things you want to tell him. Then just fold it up and put it away for now. Don't tell him. That will allow you to get out in your head some of your thoughts. Then maybe after serving him re-read it and see if you still feel like telling him anything...
> 
> ETA: He kept you in the dark for over a year and a half...you can keep him in the dark for a couple of months


 
I don't think I explained very well what I meant so let me retry and see if you are still in the thought process.

He filed the original paperwork (Complaint Against Me Seeking Divorce) back in April but did not serve me the papers until I asked for them in August. He sent them to me and we are now in a holding period. Our State requires we wait 90 days after the spouse being served to file the signed Complaint form which will then generate the Dissolution of Marriage. 

Right now we are in that 90 day holding period and cannot submit the actual signed paper until mid-November.

I did not write him things I want to say from a standpoint of things he did that bothered me. The email I was writing was simply to say I was done and that I am not ok with a few of the things in our Agreement and want to change them. He is not being a jerk at all in regards to finances (thank God) but how it is written up binds me to him too much moving forward. In other words, he'd like us to stay in the house and he will pay the mortgage and we will view it as a joint investment. If I move out, he has the option to move in. I don't want any investments with him moving forward. I want to sell the damn house and be done with him even if I have to live in a tiny little apartment. I will be happy. It is just material things at this point. 

So those are the things I brought up in the letter. The letter was simply to tell him, I don't want to wait until the 90 day waiting period is up to determine if we are going through with it. I want to tell him that I am done now and there is no working things out on my part any longer. I want out and I want to move on.

My fear of telling him too soon is that he turns into a jerk with fiances now. I don't think he will as we have a really high credit rating and he would never jepordize that. Why I want to tell him is I just want the satisfaction of doing it as well as I feel it give me lots of closure and the ability to move on quicker. 

Maybe wait until my appointment at least with the attorney?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I don't think I explained very well what I meant so let me retry and see if you are still in the thought process.
> 
> He filed the original paperwork (Complaint Against Me Seeking Divorce) back in April but did not serve me the papers until I asked for them in August. He sent them to me and we are now in a holding period. Our State requires we wait 90 days after the spouse being served to file the signed Complaint form which will then generate the Dissolution of Marriage.
> 
> ...


Ahhh ok, makes much more sense now 

I would say just wait until you talk to an attorney. That way you know exactly what your rights are if he starts to be an @ss about financial stuff. Express your concern to the attorney and he will let you know what is legal or not. The less you tell your STBXH, the more you will be able to protect your son in that regard.

What is it with the house stuff???? My STBXH is doing the same thing. Doesn't want to sell it, can't refinance it...wants to almost be "landlords" together. The agreement he sent me last week is a joke. And it would keep us tied together for at least another 5 yrs....NO THANK YOU! I got a quote from a lawyer for a more legally binding document that hopefully should protect my credit if he decides to not pay the mortgage. I'm also looking into a short sale. He almost had me talked out of not doing that but I see he is more interested in protecting himself. I would rather be in charge of ruining my credit with a short sale than to take the chance of HIM ruining it by not paying the mortgage. At least I would have a choice in the matter. He cant understand why I'm worried about it.......!! Like hes so trustworthy or something....*rolls eyes*


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Maybe wait until my appointment at least with the attorney?


I agree you should wait and talk to the attorney first. Now that you are taking control of your life and no longer being controlled by what your husband says, does, etc maybe you have the urge to exert control over him. I'd be careful with that. It's a slippery slope especially since you're finalizing the divorce details. I'd try hard not to trade long-term problems for short-term satisfaction by turning things into a power struggle over money and your son.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Ahhh ok, makes much more sense now
> 
> I would say just wait until you talk to an attorney. That way you know exactly what your rights are if he starts to be an @ss about financial stuff. Express your concern to the attorney and he will let you know what is legal or not. The less you tell your STBXH, the more you will be able to protect your son in that regard.
> 
> What is it with the house stuff???? My STBXH is doing the same thing. Doesn't want to sell it, can't refinance it...wants to almost be "landlords" together. The agreement he sent me last week is a joke. And it would keep us tied together for at least another 5 yrs....NO THANK YOU! I got a quote from a lawyer for a more legally binding document that hopefully should protect my credit if he decides to not pay the mortgage. I'm also looking into a short sale. He almost had me talked out of not doing that but I see he is more interested in protecting himself. I would rather be in charge of ruining my credit with a short sale than to take the chance of HIM ruining it by not paying the mortgage. At least I would have a choice in the matter. He cant understand why I'm worried about it.......!! Like hes so trustworthy or something....*rolls eyes*


 
I think in my case, stbxh is actually being generous and trying to be responsible although it could be a bit of guilt he is trying to cover up as well. I don't think he see how I actually feel because he moved out and there is no connection where as I am living with constant reminder of him. The other side of it is the market really sinks for selling a home right now....definitely a buyers market. For my own well being, I can not stay here. The only thing that makes me feel bad is that I am in one of the best school districts in Pittsburgh so to pull my son out is going to be hard. "sigh"

I'm going to try and keep my mind occupied and not say anything to him just yet.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I agree you should wait and talk to the attorney first. Now that you are taking control of your life and no longer being controlled by what your husband says, does, etc maybe you have the urge to exert control over him. I'd be careful with that. It's a slippery slope especially since you're finalizing the divorce details. I'd try hard not to trade long-term problems for short-term satisfaction by turning things into a power struggle over money and your son.


I don't think it is a control thing. I think it is just a closure thing for me. Just to finally openly admit it is over and not pretending anymore. If it is in the open then there is no going back kind of a thing.

Good points you made though. I don't want the satisfaction now if it turns out to be future issues.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I don't think it is a control thing. I think it is just a closure thing for me. Just to finally openly admit it is over and not pretending anymore. If it is in the open then there is no going back kind of a thing.


That makes perfect sense. So I guess it's just a matter of waiting the 90 days right? Then going through with the divorce.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> That makes perfect sense. So I guess it's just a matter of waiting the 90 days right? Then going through with the divorce.


Yes....just waiting...nothing much else i can do but wait. 

Just came from my cardio kickboxing class...Great workout and i felt amazing pushing myself to the extreme but can't help feeling a bit down today. 

Yesterday i got an email about something ornery my son did in school....nothing bad but he kept playing with a toothpick that they had used for a project and the teacher kept telling him to put it away but he kept pulling it out. So to make the long story short, i am the one who has always taken care of everything and has always dealt with everything. So i forward my stbx the email and told him he needs to start handling some of these things too. He emailed me back saying he would talk to DS. Then he asked about another issue with him and i just said i dont really have the time to discuss it as i am tired of dealing with all the messes as i have enough to do with trying to find a decent job now with loss of some of my skill and now a criminal record from u and i am heading out for my exercise class.

I feel bad i said all that but i am tired of being used. Even my son has learned to manipulate me in certain ways. 

I just want to be left alone in certain ways. Does that seem b!tchy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

It is not b!tchy to stick up for yourself and enforce boundaries.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> It is not b!tchy to stick up for yourself and enforce boundaries.


Having such a hard time with this. IDK.....maybe once the divorce is final then it will be easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

It gets easier with every little boundary you enforce for yourself...

Even the smallest one of saying "I"m not ok with....xxx" will help.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Just saw you pic Sad.You are a very prettly lady and look young.
I need to figure out how to get me and some of the fams pics on here.Always too tired to mess with it.

I'm really pleased at a lot of your post lately.You went from being down for a long time and then in a short period,picked yourself up and stood tall.
Keep it up Sad.....Dynamite comes in small packages.Youre a strong woman.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks Calvin. I had someone question my age 41 over the weekend. They were amazed I looked so young. It was a nice compliment but I'm scratching my head as to why they would think I wanted to be older if I wasn't. Hehee.

A bit of a rough day but not as bad as I use to be. Not rough in that I miss him and want him back and to change his mind....blah, blah, blah....cause I don't want him. You folks on here are helping me gain some much needed respect for myself.

Thanks Calvin.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok...so STBXH keeps texting and calling now. All pissed I won't answer the phone. I wish he'd just leave me alone.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yep,dont answer.Strange aint it? I was doing everything to win CSS back,kissed some butt.
When I had enough and walked,she ran after me.Seems to be just the way it is.
its sad when people realised that pride and getting a kick out of having the upper hand understand how they acted when its too late...Almost was for us.

Now me and CSS have math homework,she has her test tomorrow for her new job.She's been there a month,you think they do it before hand...oh well.
keep up the good work Sad.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

calvin said:


> Yep,dont answer.Strange aint it? I was doing everything to win CSS back,kissed some butt.
> When I had enough and walked,she ran after me.Seems to be just the way it is.


Yup. Cheating spouses are no different then dumb dogs.

If you want your dog to come to you, the last thing you want to do is chase it.

Turn and run the other way and guess who will catch right up and be nipping at your heels?


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

When you stand up for yourself and your boundaries they will draw closer because they want to feed on your self-worth / self-esteem.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

So true shark and daze...so true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So I have been sitting here working on some job leads and he texts again. So annoyed, I texted him "what are you talking about?" (he accused me of ignoring his texts and calls.) I told him I was out and I did not check my phone and went to plug it in the charger and it beeped with his messages. I told him not very nice to accuse me when I am working my ass off to move ahead and find a new job. So he called and was apologetic and said he was just frustrated with some things with DS. I just listened and then said I am tired and want to go to sleep now.

He has been backing down in our conversations more and more when I do speak to him. It does feel good to ignore his calls and show him I am concentrating on me. 

I feel so annoyed with him....like aggitated. He never cared about DS and issues with him before. I know he could be trying to make things right and I commend him if he is but can't help thinking he is still manipulating and trying to control me. I keep thinking about how Conrad said to me earlier that he is abusive. The Pastor of that church I did the DC at told me he is not being a loving commited husband and this comes from a Pastor who doesn't even know all the things you folks do.

I feel a bit better this evening. Maybe getting a few resumes circulating tonight and the talks with Synthetic and Conrad on my Codependency thread. 

You guys and girls are great.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> Yup. Cheating spouses are no different then dumb dogs.
> 
> If you want your dog to come to you, the last thing you want to do is chase it.
> 
> Turn and run the other way and guess who will catch right up and be nipping at your heels?


 
I didn't see this until now....but wow. Wow....what an analogy. Be interesting to see where this plays out. 

I know I had my issues with the whole co-dependency thing but he had it pretty darn good. I can't believe one day he won't be kicking himself in the @ss.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Got a call from a prospective employer.....saw my resume on Monster.com and wanted to talk with me. They are a healthcare software firm and the position would be for Project Manager. He was amazed at my broad range of skill level from Human Resources to Health Care Industry knowledge and the experience I have in computer engineering from my stbxh and my business. It is in *******, WI. It has crossed my mind to relocate and start fresh but that is a huge move. STBXH would never think I had it in me....teehee They would pay 100% relocation fees. He is suppose to call me back in two days. He asked that I give it some consideration. He must have like the phone interview to offer to fly me up for a real interview.

So I suppose with my resume only circulating a bit in just a few days....something good is bound to happen soon.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Got a call from a prospective employer.....saw my resume on Monster.com and wanted to talk with me. They are a healthcare software firm and the position would be for Project Manager. He was amazed at my broad range of skill level from Human Resources to Health Care Industry knowledge and the experience I have in computer engineering from my stbxh and my business. It is in *******, WI. It has crossed my mind to relocate and start fresh but that is a huge move. STBXH would never think I had it in me....teehee They would pay 100% relocation fees. He is suppose to call me back in two days. He asked that I give it some consideration. He must have like the phone interview to offer to fly me up for a real interview.
> 
> So I suppose with my resume only circulating a bit in just a few days....something good is bound to happen soon.


Sad!!!!!!! That is great news!!!!!!!! :smthumbup:

Keep an open mind. Do some research on the area to see if it would even be a good fit for you and your son. Who knows...might be the best decision for yourself, especially with the job market the way it is.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Love this!

http://midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Love this!
> 
> MIDLIFE For Dummies


 
Thanks for the link. I'll check it out after I finish this post.

I had a pretty good day. I kept busy and I took my son to his first therapy appointment. I think it will help him some. He stressed how he doesn't see his dad enough and he said that when he tries to tell him things or ask him things pertaining to what happened to the family, his dad says he doesn't want to talk about it and leaves it at that. Therapist and I exchanged looks at that one. He still hasn't really sat down and talk to me about anything.

So a little after 6 I got a text from him asking if DS rode the school bus (I have been trying to get him to ride the bus as I've always drove him but he will need to ride it with me going back to work.) He had a bit of an outburst yesterday on me and then called his dad and did it to him because he said he hates riding it because the bus driver assigned seats and he doesn't get to talk to his friends. (I know it is silly but its an 11 year old.) I think it is him acting out because of the whole past 2 years and the divorce proceedings. 

So needless to say I guess STBXH forgot again that DS was starting therapy tonight. So I waited 4 hours and simply responded Yes, he rode the bus. There were no problems. He is fine now. He responded back...."Thanks; he had me worried all day he was going to stress you out over it."

What??? WTH???? So we go almost two years with how STBXH treated me and he is worried about how DS is going to stress me out over riding the school bus or not. I know I am tired and ready for bed but is it me or is this man who I spent 22 years with dilerious???? I may be co-dependent but at least I'm not an abusive psycho. He should be the one in therapy.

I'm glad I finally am seeing things for what they are. Conrad you are so right. He is nothing but an abusive mean man who I unfortuneatly was dumb and pathetic enough to waste 22 years with. 

I am going to sleep early for once. I hope every one has a good night.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Got a call from a prospective employer.....saw my resume on Monster.com and wanted to talk with me. They are a healthcare software firm and the position would be for Project Manager. He was amazed at my broad range of skill level from Human Resources to Health Care Industry knowledge and the experience I have in computer engineering from my stbxh and my business. It is in *******, WI. It has crossed my mind to relocate and start fresh but that is a huge move. STBXH would never think I had it in me....teehee They would pay 100% relocation fees. He is suppose to call me back in two days. He asked that I give it some consideration. He must have like the phone interview to offer to fly me up for a real interview.
> 
> So I suppose with my resume only circulating a bit in just a few days....something good is bound to happen soon.


Look at you Sad. Just step back and take a good look at your self.
Youre an inspiration to many now.
I still cant believe how far you have come. 
No stopping you now...keep it up.
Hell,you got me thinking anything is possible.
Way to go Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Look at you Sad. Just step back and take a good look at your self.
> Youre an inspiration to many now.
> I still cant believe how far you have come.
> No stopping you now...keep it up.
> ...


I told my therapist today that i don't want him back. The look on her face said it all. I think she felt relief for me.

Can u believe what he said though after what he put me through....like i cant handle that small situation with my son....thanks but i think i can handle myself just fine...just like i handled myself when his ow pulled a gun on me. I just can not believe his mentality.

Thanks Calvin...all that stuff you kept putting in my head is catching on... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sad,happy to see the interest you're getting from prospective employer.

As for your H I think its finally dawning on him that you're slipping away.Maybe his world and ego are getting a little bit fragile lately.A little indifference goes a long way....keep it up.Have a good night.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> sad,happy to see the interest you're getting from prospective employer.
> 
> As for your H I think its finally dawning on him that you're slipping away.Maybe his world and ego are getting a little bit fragile lately.A little indifference goes a long way....keep it up.Have a good night.


 
I am really excited for the first time to go back to work. To prove I am good at something. To be able to take care of me now and no one else....well except my son....but I even sometimes do too much for him too.

Speaking of him...he texted me today asking about our son and hockey practice. I got a letter in the mail afterwards regarding my fine from this whole incident with the OW. So I sent him a simple text telling him his fine is $600 for her threat.

He replied back saying I could appeal the fine if I appear in court and get it lowered especially since they will see I haven't ever had a ticket or anything and I look normal. Then he said or do you want to be done with it and I'l transfer the money to you next week and you can be done with it.

What an @ss. Did I really not see all this. Is this what all of you were thinking reading my thread? No wonder everyone told me to be done. Calvin's posts to me stand out so much now when he says get rid of him and that I can do so much better. Does he really think I am going to go to court and feel embarrassed over this crap he brought on me? I hope the $600 was worth the piece he got. At least I won't ever be paying for sex. Sorry....just really pissed by this right now!!!

Anyway, i totally went off on him.

I said Listen....its done. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I am more pissed she did this and gets away with it with EVERYONE. She just better hope I never catch her in a dark alley cause I will make my record worth while as well as what she did to screw up my son's life. The b!tch played the poor me victim role and talked about how everyone is dishonest and the poor me my exhusband cheated on me role for as long as I have known her and she's out there screwing a married man with a son while she talks on how she was so abused and how cheating is so wrong but doesn't see what her own piece of **** @ss is. You need to wake up!!! I am moving forward in my life and I am finally finding happiness. I will not be a victim to her so the fine is getting paid. 

I meant every word of it...even the swear words and I never even swear. They are not going to control me or cause me to act this way anymore. I know I will find a good job and I will move on and make myself happier than I ever was with him. Kind of wish I wouldn't have made a threat to him about her but too late to retract and I'm not so sure I really didn't mean it.

I haven't heard back from him but hopefully he is eating the words. 

I don't want him back at all and hopefully this last text opens his eyes to that. I have already begun contacting a few friends from High School and one of them, my best girlfriend growing up just went through divorce herself. He husband was walking there son to the bus stop and then going to the OW's house afterwards while my poor friend was at work. Sick....just sick. The next man that wants to be with me better be as close as he can be to being like Jesus or I have no room in my life for him. I am doing what I want to do moving forward.

Sorry for the long rant TBT. I feel great now getting it out.  Thanks for listening.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> The next man that wants to be with me better be as close as he can be to being like Jesus or I have no room in my life for him.


That's awesome! :rofl:


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Sorry for the long rant TBT. I feel great now getting it out.  Thanks for listening.


No problem and no need to be sorry ever,so rant away. It's so nice to see you move away from being tentative and full of doubt to a place of empowerment.I was listening to I AM Woman By Helen Reddy the other day and I thought of you and some of the other gals on here and how far you've come in rediscovering your worth and strengths as individuals.When push comes to shove you can stand alone if need be,face your fears and accept nothing less than what you want and how you expect to be treated in any relationship.Good for you sad!:smthumbup:


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

He text back after my rant...hours later....hi, how was "DS" therapy session? I never answered him back yet. He tried calling twice today. I'm tired and taking a lazy Sunday nap after all i was out late last night having fun! Maybe i will call when i wake up. Sorry, i am more important now. I didn't throw myself away, he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim=out having fun! Who woulda thunk?! Enjoy your lazy day nap.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> sadwithouthim=out having fun! Who woulda thunk?! Enjoy your lazy day nap.


"Stretch, Yawn". Felt great until he called again and woke me up.

I called him back about an hour later and can you believe he called me about a situation at the business and wanted to know by law if he can do something to handle a situation. I felt like saying are you kidding me. Go ask your posow. But the better person than he that i am and to prove i am destroying my bitterness for my well being answered his question then got the HE double hockeysticks off the phone. 

Its a great day. My son scored a dirty goal (thats a goal he worked hard against a loose puck against the goalie and center). It broke loose and he flipped it up over the goalies shoulder.

I have great classic rock playing and i am making a nice dinner. I feel free. I cant believe how long i lived it his control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> "Stretch, Yawn". Felt great until he called again and woke me up.
> 
> I called him back about an hour later and can you believe he called me about a situation at the business and wanted to know by law if he can do something to handle a situation. I felt like saying are you kidding me. Go ask your posow. But the better person than he that i am and to prove i am destroying my bitterness for my well being answered his question then got the HE double hockeysticks off the phone.
> 
> ...


Oh Sad!! I'm so happy at your progress. You are really not giving a [email protected] about how he is feeling. That's great.

I almost feel his motivation for asking about advice on the business was his passive aggressive way of trying to figure out where you stand with OW situation....especially since you mentioned the fine earlier....

Anyways, so glad to see you are going out and having fun.  Stay strong, you are doing great. I see a completely different person than I did even a couple of weeks ago.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Sad you sound incredible! You've come quite a long way in a couple of weeks - you've leap frogged me on the road to recovery! Was there one thing that helped you turn the corner? Your night out with meetup folks or just finally really believing all of us telling you that you're too good of a person to take his drama?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Sad you sound incredible! You've come quite a long way in a couple of weeks - you've leap frogged me on the road to recovery! Was there one thing that helped you turn the corner? Your night out with meetup folks or just finally really believing all of us telling you that you're too good of a person to take his drama?


Hard to say Dazedguy....I actually posted something about that on my wall a week or two ago. I think it is what Calvin basically said and that is I slowly started detaching until it hit me. I don't know at all or how it happened but I basically woke up with my head on right. I don't believe there is any going back as I have had these feelings for about a month now. All I know is I have been feeling really well. I know a lot of it is just the advice and self worth I got from all of you on this board but I think I just saw him for what he is. Still can't believe he called me up for an HR question yesterday. So far no word from him as of today. 

I am so focused on me I feel a bit selfish. I think about nothing but what I want to do next.....key word being I. I am so excited about all my future possibilities.

I contacted a few old friends and one by one they are now crawling out of the woodwork and have gotten some really nice messages from people. I feel my list of friends is going to grow rapidly over the next few months. That feels so good. I never want to live like a lonely prisioner again. 

I have been getting a daily text from a new friend (he is male, but just a friend) that tells me things like Today is going to be great or Today will be the best day of your life or things are going to be greater than ever for you. He knows some of what I have gone through and was there before too in his life so his positive uplifting messages every day have been so supportive and inspiring. He owns a business and even sent me a few job leads. So it is nice to surround myself with nice Christian like people. An older girlfriend of mine invited me to lunch this weekend at this cute little tea house I have always wanted to try. It is amazing how loved I feel lately.

I don't think there is a timeline on this stuff. I think it depends on the person, what you go through and how you choose to react. It just took me longer to react. All I think about now is getting over the divorce and growing my life. I don't believe I would have gotten this far without you guys and my Christian faith.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Oh Sad!! I'm so happy at your progress. You are really not giving a [email protected] about how he is feeling. That's great.
> 
> I almost feel his motivation for asking about advice on the business was his passive aggressive way of trying to figure out where you stand with OW situation....especially since you mentioned the fine earlier....
> 
> Anyways, so glad to see you are going out and having fun.  Stay strong, you are doing great. I see a completely different person than I did even a couple of weeks ago.


Thanks VI Bride....you've been a positive influence the past month. 

Could be right about his motivation. I won't be given in to him ever again so I am not worried about his motives or any manipulations tactics. I can actually say I could care less about him. Seriously. I actually feels sick thinking about him. 

This is all coming from someone feeling under the weather too so even though I have a cold coming on....my mind is thinking so clearly and it tells me I am so much better than him. :smthumbup:


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## Far Away (Sep 24, 2012)

Hi Sad,

Just want to let you know I've read your story and feel so inspired by your honesty and how you've managed to get to the point where you are today.

For what it's worth, I think you're awesome and you've given me hope that I can someday feel better.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Far Away said:


> Hi Sad,
> 
> Just want to let you know I've read your story and feel so inspired by your honesty and how you've managed to get to the point where you are today.
> 
> For what it's worth, I think you're awesome and you've given me hope that I can someday feel better.


Far away....thank you for those words. I struggled with my own mistakes and felt the only true way to come to terms with them as well as get honest feedback was to be truthful with myself and everyone else no matter how people viewed me. I learned greatly from my mistakes and they are things i will never do again and that's what i feel is the most important part of the lesson. 

Its not easy and it will require some tough roads ahead but just as i have as well as others before me, you will live again. My future now consists of amazing possibilities and so does yours. Thank u for your kind words. I will pray for your peace tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm still amazed at how you have pulled it together and cowboyed it up in the last few months Sad,what a turn around!
I dont get what your H was thinking.He had a great wife..his loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> I'm still amazed at how you have pulled it together and cowboyed it up in the last few months Sad,what a turn around!
> I dont get what your H was thinking.He had a great wife..his loss.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will come to realize it. I only see my own gains now. I know its over with him because i am no longer wondering what he is doing, where he is at or what he is thinking. I simply don't care. Him never really being remorseful for what he did opened my eyes wide.

I thank you for helping me realize i am worth more than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Good stuff Sad.Everyone has their own time,pace and limits of what they can handle.
You did good.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Feeling a bit rattled today guys. I woke up about 5 am looked at my clock and was relieved to be able to go back to sleep for a couple more hours but had a horrible dream about him and the OW. This is the second one now that I have had since this started. I don't really care any more except I think what bothers me is the fact that once again like so many other times in our marriage, me and our son was put second because of the fact she is still there at the business. I wonder if that is what is sparking the dreams.

So needless to say, I am struggling a bit today. Not that I want him back in any way but just feel down/sad about the past couple years.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm having one of those days too, Sad....hang in there. 

This week I am working from home doing online training. The lack of people interaction is already getting to me and its only Tuesday! 

Alot of time with my thoughts and they keep going back to how I want to be married and have a spouse and how I miss that closeness to another person...yet I know I don't want him. 

*humph* 

(Giving you a hug)


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I'm having one of those days too, Sad....hang in there.
> 
> This week I am working from home doing online training. The lack of people interaction is already getting to me and its only Tuesday!
> 
> ...


Hugs back to you. I actually posted on my co dependency thread about how do you deal with those exact feelings you are having. I definitely need to get out. I actually have my kickboxing class today but am feeling a bit ill (cold). I'm going anyway though....hope it doesn't kill me. I hope your week goes quickly.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

"Act according to your morals and values no matter what the consequences are."

I heard this today and thought wow....this really the peson who I want to be. To live this way is courageous.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Wow...what a really rough down in the dumps day. I feel like I'm not liking change today. I feel like I don't want him but at the same time feel sad about what happened. I talked with him briefly a few times today. I don't know what his motives are. I don't think he wants to come back....as he hasn't moved in that direction but at the same time I went off on him a bit about my job hunting and the fact that I have a misdemeanor record now. He said to use him as a reference at the business and I said yeah right so they can call and that b!tch answers the phone. He said that wouldn't happen. He then spent and hour researching job leads and sending them to me with information and tips. Finally I said that wasn't the problem, its the record I have now and the fact most HR jobs do background checks and now I have to go through this whole embarrasment of explaining why....then most likely not being hired. 

I feel stuck in that WTF happened phaze tonight. 

I can't believe after 22 years and in the matter of two years my life has fallen apart. 

He hasn't brought up anything about the divorce yet as we are approaching closer to Novemeber but yet no moves to try and start to reconcile (which I won't) but still hasn't said anything. He just lives and does what he wants. 

UGH....wish I could fast forward a year from now.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> "Act according to your morals and values no matter what the consequences are."
> 
> I heard this today and thought wow....this really the peson who I want to be. To live this way is courageous.


Just be sure you are ok with all of the consequences, because even if you think they are right and you are righteous, others you care about may not agree. So one of the consequences of acting this way may be that you alienate or lose people who are important in your life. 

It obviously makes sense to act as your morals dictate but be careful of being too militant in support of them.

'No matter what the consequences are' seems far too broad for me.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

MisterRitter said:


> Just be sure you are ok with all of the consequences, because even if you think they are right and you are righteous, others you care about may not agree. So one of the consequences of acting this way may be that you alienate or lose people who are important in your life.
> 
> It obviously makes sense to act as your morals dictate but be careful of being too militant in support of them.
> 
> 'No matter what the consequences are' seems far too broad for me.



I appreciate your response but i think you missed my point to this statement. It was more referring to my own co dependency issues. A few regulars on here will understand my reference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> "Act according to your morals and values no matter what the consequences are."
> 
> I heard this today and thought wow....this really the peson who I want to be. To live this way is courageous.


Excuse me while I stand and applaud.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hey Sad how are you feeling today? I know you said you are feeling stuck but if you read thru your thread you will see how far you have come in such a short time. I know changing that fast leaves you feeling unbalanced sometimes ( im still there) but every day it gets a little better. Just keep moving forward. Hugs


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So following the advice above and acting with value in myself, i sent stbxh a text stating i would like to discuss the settlement. After having a rough day yesterday, i know i want out of this mess as soon as possible. Originally we were to put the paperwork aside until we can actually submit it in November. We were suppose to work on improving our communications and see what happens. He hasn't worked hard enough and therefore i don't want him anymore. So i am waiting to see what he says back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Hey Sad how are you feeling today? I know you said you are feeling stuck but if you read thru your thread you will see how far you have come in such a short time. I know changing that fast leaves you feeling unbalanced sometimes ( im still there) but every day it gets a little better. Just keep moving forward. Hugs


Thanks Unsure....i believe i was feelings exactly what you said.....unbalanced. Its that fear that rears its ugly self in my head and plays havoc with my emotions. I did read through some of my posts the past week which gave me some strength to send the text to him this morning. I am wondering if it will stir up his thoughts. Its definitely calming mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So we text back and forth about the paperwork to get this moving. He was a bit evasive and seemed less demanding in text than usual. I feel once again i have created a boundary for myself. I dont think he understand i dont want to be treated this way any longer and i now know my weaknesses and am working hard to over come them but i also know i am worth more than all this. When i think of the positive things about him, the only one that comes to mind any more is i am financially secure with him. It no longer is just enough. Being loved and respected out ways financial security by so much. So later i am sending him an email with some of the changes i would like to see in the settlement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How you doing today, Sad? Did you get the email sent to STBXH? Any news on anything? Glad to see you are still taking steps forward 

I had a bad day yesterday. Seems to happen after I talk to STBXH on the phone. Just down and depressed. I realize I still hurt so much from what has happened in our relationship. Then to hear him talk now about "being responsible", "Doing the right thing", "taking responsibility for actions", "being mature", "I'm a nice guy"....where the hell was this during the 2 month EA fiasco before I moved out? Just makes me mad. Like now he has changed into this magnificent person?? he says all that but still blames OW#1 (not himself) for me not being able to get over things during that affair, and me for moving out and "leaving him with no one to rely on". 

Maybe I read too much into what he says...but I know him well enough to read between the lines of his comments. As much as I want to be free from him, it just seems he is able to push my buttons just as much as ever. I ended up saying some crappy things to him and taking jabs. Ugh. I just feel he brings out the worst in me and I can never seem to control it. 

Do you ever feel that way? If so, how do you cope or at least try to not give in to those emotions? I am sick of giving my power away to him...I mean I was so bummed yesterday! And only b/c I let myself feel that way....


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad? You doing ok?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hello VI Bride....sorry took a bit of a brake from the marriage crap for myself.

I'm sorry you had a rough time last week. How are you feeling this week? I have felt exactly how you describe. I read into every little thing mine said for such a long time....20 months to be exact. I don't do that any more. I see right through him now. It sound like your ex is realizing the mistake him made. Someone told me once on this board to not go by what he says but rather his actions. I know you already know this but when you are dwelling on what he says, think about what his actions are. That is what I do everytime I start to think differently now. The main thing I think about is how much he said he was remorseful for what happened with OW in his office but yet the cow still sits there day after days. If he cared about me or his son and what happened (regardless if he wanted to save the marriage or not) she would still be gone. She threatened my life with a gun. So to me now, they both can go to hell. I don't want him back; that is something that I know now for sure. I now realize from everyone on here (Synthetics and Conraid's co-depencey advice), I am better than him. There is another Kelly Clarkson song that talks about this too....You Love me. It talks about pretty much the rollercoaster he led me on all year and she says he made her feel like she is not good enough but turns it around and says what he really means is he's not good enough for her. It pretty much sums it up for me. Kelly Clarkson - You Love Me (with lyrics) - YouTube Youtube link if you are interested. Her songs give me so much strength when I am feeling down which is usually not as often anymore.

I had a bit of a cold this week and got so busy exercising and working on job hunting so I spent a lot of time on me.  

Yesterday I texted him telling him I would pick up our son at his place instead of him bringing him here that I would be out and about running errands and it would be easier this way. Really I just didn't want him coming here. So I picked up our son. I said hi when I got there and smiled and said hello to his mom (she's not an issue and I still care for her dearly) but I was casual and quick. So I left there and my son and I grabbed dinner out and ran a small errand and headed home. I pulled into my garage and got out of the car and my phone rings. It was him. He said hi I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. You seemed upset and quick when you picked up DS. I said no, I had things to do and I was not up set at all. I have nothing to be upset about. He tried to then change the subject with some bs stuff about DS and then I used Unsure's suggestion and said oh I gotta go. 

I hung up and thought about Kelly Clarkson's Einstein song.... Dumb plus Dumb equals you. Ha Ha. She is so right about her lyrics. No wonder she doesn't have a man in her life. I need to learn some of her methods for keeping codependency astray. I can't help gloating a bit that for an hour and a half or so after I left, it must have been driving him nuts that I just don't care anymore. 

So how are things going regarding what to do with your house? It will be ok....it will work its way out for you. I really believe this. 

Keep being strong for you. Let him do the work now. Everyone here told me this before and I didn't do it but now I am and you know what? It is so much easier on me to worry only about me.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hello VI Bride....sorry took a bit of a brake from the marriage crap for myself.
> 
> I'm sorry you had a rough time last week. How are you feeling this week? I have felt exactly how you describe. I read into every little thing mine said for such a long time....20 months to be exact. I don't do that any more. I see right through him now. It sound like your ex is realizing the mistake him made. Someone told me once on this board to not go by what he says but rather his actions. I know you already know this but when you are dwelling on what he says, think about what his actions are. That is what I do everytime I start to think differently now. The main thing I think about is how much he said he was remorseful for what happened with OW in his office but yet the cow still sits there day after days. If he cared about me or his son and what happened (regardless if he wanted to save the marriage or not) she would still be gone. She threatened my life with a gun. So to me now, they both can go to hell. I don't want him back; that is something that I know now for sure. I now realize from everyone on here (Synthetics and Conraid's co-depencey advice), I am better than him. There is another Kelly Clarkson song that talks about this too....You Love me. It talks about pretty much the rollercoaster he led me on all year and she says he made her feel like she is not good enough but turns it around and says what he really means is he's not good enough for her. It pretty much sums it up for me. Kelly Clarkson - You Love Me (with lyrics) - YouTube Youtube link if you are interested. Her songs give me so much strength when I am feeling down which is usually not as often anymore.
> 
> ...


Hi Sad!! Glad to hear you took some time out for yourself. I was worried, since the last update was you thinking about emailing STBXH about the final agreements and telling him you were done. Did you happen to do that at all? Or are you just waiting until you talk to a lawyer?

Thanks for your song suggestions. I may have to buy Kelly's new album b/c there are several that are great!! 

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know to look at his actions and I do and I think thats what makes me even more upset. He is saying all of this crap but his actions REALLY say it all. I just need to let go and learn it's not my job to care anymore what kind of person he is. He is no longer my husband, and I cannot act like a wife who cares about his emotional/spiritual/mental well being or where he is in life. And I think that is the reality that hits me the hardest. That I can't care and have no right to care...and I am a very caring person. I chose to leave, I filed for divorce, it was "my" decision to end the marriage - I gave up any and all rights to care about him other than caring if he makes the mortgage payment. But I just can't seem to turn on the "I don't care about you, you don't affect me anymore" switch. Hopefully I can find it soon...

The house is kinda moving along. I am still undecided about going to a lawyer to draw up a document or just write one up myself. In the end, its all about what the bank will do with the house. A court order can enforce timing of a refinance or sale or assumption(the route we are going to go) but if he can't get approved by the bank, it really doesn't matter what the court order says. Not like the court can force the bank to approve him for a loan. So while they can enforce timing, missed payments, who pays taxes/insurance/mortgage/upkeep, and things like that, the bank is a 3rd party and not involved in our divorce. So I do have to trust him slightly that he will not let it go into foreclosure. And I don't trust him AT ALL. The biggest struggle I am having is if there is any verbage I can use that if he DOES default, the bank won't mark it on my credit...having a hard time with this. And I don't think there is anything that a divorce decree can say to protect my credit as the agreement is with us and the bank. I think the most retaliation I could get if he does mark my credit is to sue him for the payments he missed. And I don't care about the money...I just HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE giving him the power like that over MY credit. At least if I had the house and foreclosed on it, I would be affecting my future and having the choice, not him. He already made a few poor decisions during our marriage that affected me that I really had no say in. Would hate to deal with his poor decision making for years to come...

I am doing better this week and am extremely motivated for some weightloss challenges I joined at work and with some friends on FB. My goal is 10lbs this month but I do hope to surpass it. I have already lost 2 pants sizes since moving out in July!! :smthumbup:


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Hi Sad!! Glad to hear you took some time out for yourself. I was worried, since the last update was you thinking about emailing STBXH about the final agreements and telling him you were done. Did you happen to do that at all? Or are you just waiting until you talk to a lawyer?
> 
> Thanks for your song suggestions. I may have to buy Kelly's new album b/c there are several that are great!!
> 
> ...


 
Way to go on your weight loss....that is fantastic. Keep up the hard work and you will get results. I am working out daily which includes two days a week of the kickboxing which is an awesome workout. I did miss this past week once though because of my cold but still worked out at the gym; just a lighter workout.

I did send off the questions I had about the agreement and wanting to make some changes. I just did that over the weekend. He just said ok he would review it and I told him I want to set up a time to talk about things. I just want it over no matter what. I will figure out a life for myself despite what happens. I will just have to handle what bad things come my way in the future on my own. I know I will be fine. Just like you will too. He has been trying to be nice. He does seem to question things more when I pull away and set up boundaries....like he is concerned or sees I am drifting from him. I hope he is realizing he is not controlling me or the situation 100% anymore. I keep thinking what if he changes his mind because I am moving this along now and I keep thinking to myself, I just really don't want him anymore. He'd have to serious do some butt kissing to me now. It just isn't worth it any more.

The hardest thing for me is to now learn how to be alone without being lonely. I think when I am back to work, it will be easier. Maybe making new friends at work will help me.

I'm sorry about your house situation. It really stinks to deal with all this. I am waiting to hear back from mine regarding that situation. Mine is a bit different there yours though because he pays the mortgage. I just feel bad I will most likely have to take my son out of the school district that he likes so much.

Keep up the good work on your diet. 2 pants sizes since July is great!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> The hardest thing for me is to now learn how to be alone without being lonely. I think when I am back to work, it will be easier. Maybe making new friends at work will help me.


Nice to see you took some time away from here and took a bit of a breather.Learning to be on your own will eventually get easier the more you let go and the less you're giving your energy to the limbo you had been in.You're in control of the direction you want to go.There will be new interests,new people,new places and I'm sure a few adventures along the way....including meeting someone special again.Just take your time and know yourself and what you truly want out of this life.You're doing great and I have no doubt you'll keep it up.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Sitting in attorneys office...
Sick to my stomach
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

This was husbands reply to my email requesting discussing the divorce and settlement changes. I said i want to discuss now and move it forward. Is he playing me again?

sorry for not replying, i was not feeling well last night (or today) my stomach is bothering me and i shut everything down early last night. we can discuss when you are ready about the below. let me know when and where you would like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

He is trying to get sympathy from you (i.e., stomach bothering him) or at least try to play on your emotions a little.

Other than that it sounds like he is ready to move forward...? You really won't know until you talk to him.

Good luck with the attorney.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> He is trying to get sympathy from you (i.e., stomach bothering him) or at least try to play on your emotions a little.
> 
> Other than that it sounds like he is ready to move forward...? You really won't know until you talk to him.
> 
> Good luck with the attorney.


Well he didn't get sympathy from me that is for sure. I told him sorry you don't feel well then led into we need to discuss this immediately. I also said I am filing a pfa on behalf of my son against that posow. I said DS will not be allowed in his work nor will he be allowed at any of your company/family events with her there. So I don't think there was much sympathy for him. Needless to say, I have not heard from him all day. I hope he is going through just a bit of what I did for almost 2 years. Then maybe he will see how much he did to me.

I did find out at the attorneys that I cannot file a pfa because of the time lapse. She said it should have been done immediately for both of us since she pulled a gun on me. However, I can have it written in the custody section of the agreement that she is not allowed near him. If it is violated, I can take him to court. We'll see if that pushes her @ss out the door too. I know she won't be welcomed by my MIL so at least I know I am safe there.

I did find out a lot of interesting things today and I also see more clearly how stupid I am/was. I feel very sad about this but he literally will be destroyed if I go for what I am eligible for based on income versuses expenses. He by law will have to buy me out of the company. He didn't want to do that with the measly % he gave posow to come on board when he first started the business, I'd like to see how he feels giving me half of his investment in the company. I hope she was worth it! 

Going back to the sympathy thing....I still can remember the look on his face back in Novemeber of last year when I was seriously hurt and ask him for a hug. His eyes were peircing. I was ice skating with my son. I fell and hit my head and was semi-unconscience. I had no feeling in my upper body and was taking by ambulance to the hospital. A severe concussion, 6 months recovery from it and 4 staples in my head. That paramectics called him to pick up our DS. He came to the hospital. He brought me home when released and my son was at my MIL. I remember him taking my prescriptions to go get them filled and I tired to talk to him about the past year (remember 11 months later and he still hadn't spoken one word to me about the marriage). I was just knocked unconscience....spent hours in a neck brace and MRI machine and almost choked on my own vomit in the hospital cause they had me strapped down and I am only concerned about this damn marriage and he stood there in my house and coldly said we are not going to talk about this now. So I am sorry, there is no sympathy from me any longer.

I was feeling bad about the visit with the attorney, but what I need to do is pull up those pics and emails with that peice of crap to sink reality back into my butt.

Wow, I know this post sounds harsh, but I am just so tired and so done with it all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

Only take what the law allows - and not a penny less.

No mercy.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Been following from afar Sad.
Rough stuff.You've been through a lot.
I like your mindset.Totally different woman that you were last year.
I'm glad to see you have had your fill of his bs.
You offered the olive branch to him many times.
He took it and broke it. His loss.
I dont see how you could have made this any better.You did what you should have.He chosed to play the victim.
I'm glad you got some nuts here.
You dont need him.
Move on Sad,leave him in your dust.
Good job.
God bless Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Going back to the sympathy thing....I still can remember the look on his face back in Novemeber of last year when I was seriously hurt and ask him for a hug. His eyes were peircing. I was ice skating with my son. I fell and hit my head and was semi-unconscience. I had no feeling in my upper body and was taking by ambulance to the hospital. A severe concussion, 6 months recovery from it and 4 staples in my head. That paramectics called him to pick up our DS. He came to the hospital. He brought me home when released and my son was at my MIL. I remember him taking my prescriptions to go get them filled and I tired to talk to him about the past year (remember 11 months later and he still hadn't spoken one word to me about the marriage). I was just knocked unconscience....spent hours in a neck brace and MRI machine and almost choked on my own vomit in the hospital cause they had me strapped down and I am only concerned about this damn marriage and he stood there in my house and coldly said we are not going to talk about this now. So I am sorry, there is no sympathy from me any longer.


 That is litterally my face right now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME SAD??????? 

What a worthless piece of crap. Can't even treat you like a fricken human being when you are recovering from such a serious injury.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> That is litterally my face right now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME SAD???????
> 
> What a worthless piece of crap. Can't even treat you like a fricken human being when you are recovering from such a serious injury.



I know i have had his piercing eyes image in my head for a long time. Its just one of many things he's done in the past. I really dont think i know what a real relationship with a decent man is like. It amazes me how stupid i have been for so long. My biggest fear is i end up with another jerk. "Sigh"

I haven't heard again from him all day. I wont contact him although he is suppose to take ds Thursday. I do wonder if he is nervous now about things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- 
I feel the same way. I am scared I will seek out a man like my husband.I have been in an unhealthy relationship for 15 years. I never saw the red flags until marriage. I met with my lawyer today too. My divorce is just beginning ...you have been doing great though, getting out and enjoying life, taking care of yourself, meeting new people. You have come far just this last month!

P.S. take him for everything you can


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> Only take what the law allows - and not a penny less.
> 
> No mercy.


 
i'm having a bit of difficulty with this. I still feel bad. I keep replaying the ow in my mind and thinking about the emails and pics and it angers me and I start thinking she could have had it and so it gives me enough strength to not feel so bad. I just can't wait until it is all over Conrad.

I got through the meeting with the attorney. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day reading my Co-dependency No More book, exercising and not thinking about this all for a day.

I just need to stay focused on his abuse for so long. Like Calvin said, I offered him the olive branch many times...even after that whole ordeal with the OW. 

I keep thinking next year at this time it will all be over and I will have a new life.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Been following from afar Sad.
> Rough stuff.You've been through a lot.
> I like your mindset.Totally different woman that you were last year.
> I'm glad to see you have had your fill of his bs.
> ...


I'm very different than I was a year ago. I look back and think how stupid I was for so long. That saddens me. It goes back to the beginning of our relationship. A couple we were mutal friends with, both even the husband can't believe what an idiots he has been and is so amazed that he did all this to me and said he will be in for a rude awakening if he thinks the grass will ever be greener than me. It made me feel good coming from the husband that was friends with him too. They are an older couple and both have been very good to me. 

I don't need him Calvin. I just have to learn how to fully believe that. I'm getting there. Momentarily I will think about what if he came back and then I snap out of it and tell myself that that is just crazy and that I really have no desire for him. I honestly don't think I could ever sleep next to him in the same bed. It isn't even about the ow. It is all about how he treated me. 

Thanks for the blessings Calvin. If anything, this mess has restored and strengthened my relationship with God so much.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Sad-
> I feel the same way. I am scared I will seek out a man like my husband.I have been in an unhealthy relationship for 15 years. I never saw the red flags until marriage. I met with my lawyer today too. My divorce is just beginning ...you have been doing great though, getting out and enjoying life, taking care of yourself, meeting new people. You have come far just this last month!
> 
> P.S. take him for everything you can


I really need to watch myself with my codependency issues so that I don't move too quickly to another relationship. I often reread dazedguys posts as they make me see more clearly how that isn't an option for me. I am really trying to learn how to be alone without feeling lonely. I definitely have so much more growing to do. Thanks for the compliment....I have really been pushing myself to do more for me. I plan on spending the day not thinking about this tomorrow. 

I'm sorry you had to met with a lawyer today too. That was the hardest thing I have ever done but I do know it needs done. I think he would have dragged this out another year. I just got to get over the guilt of taking what is actually mine too. Especially before someone like that POSOW ends up with it. Afterall, I spent 22 years catering to him and taking his abuse.

I am hoping when the time comes that I start dating again, that I will meet some nice men and see the difference between them and him. I am putting my trust in God that he will not allow this to happen again.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Your eyes are open so much wider Sad than they were 20 years ago. You are literally a different person at this point in your life and I'm sure that when the time comes for you to evaluate dates for mate potential you will apply a very different set of criteria this time.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Your eyes are open so much wider Sad than they were 20 years ago. You are literally a different person at this point in your life and I'm sure that when the time comes for you to evaluate dates for mate potential you will apply a very different set of criteria this time.


I can only hope. I've always accepted less and put up with more. Best thing i can do for me is keep pushing to not get involved with anyone for quite sometime. Its hard though when loneliness rears its ugly head in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I have some anxiety the past few days. Started the night before seeing the attorney so i am sure that's a big part of it. 

I just got to work hard to stay focused.

"Lord grant me the serenity to change the things I can."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

It's hard. She knew me better than anyone else and chose to leave so I know what you mean. Choose to focus on yourself. You're a good person. You have a lot of love to give. It's his loss. Next year, looking back on this thread, you'll smile knowing how far you've come and how much your life has improved. That's my wish for us both!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

All I keep thinking is a year from now, my life will be different. I let this drag on for so long with hopes of him coming around to work on the marriage. I haven't heard anything back from him since I told him I want to talk about the agreement as soon as possible. I will give him a week or so and then I am going to give the attorney the retainer to start prepairing the agreement legally. Nothing else I can do and I want this over by Christmas. I don't want to drag it into a new year again. I just want a life again. I'm so exhausted from the past two years. Despite high intensity exercise almost everyday, I just constantly feel fatigued and I know it has a lot to do with all the stress the past year and a half. I keep trying to concentrate on come Christmas I will have a toned body and be done with all this marital junk. I will know what is mine and what is his and I will finally be able to start a new life.

I'm not sure what his hold up is now with speaking with me regarding the agreement. He wanted this but now seems to be avoiding it. I'm not sitting here any longer without doing anything. It serves me no purpose. 

Someone will get to know you just as well as she had. I struggle with the thought of starting over and opening all up to someone again too. I hate that uncomfortable feeling one has when starting a new relationship. I think what I long for is the familarity and comfort level I had with my stbxh.

Praying for you today dazedguy.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I'm not sure what his hold up is now with speaking with me regarding the agreement. He wanted this but now seems to be avoiding it. I'm not sitting here any longer without doing anything. It serves me no purpose.


He wants you as his plan B and has a cake eater attitude. He has avoided you for almost 2 years. He doesn't want to face any consequences and now that they are coming for real and he sees you mean business, get ready for him to avoid and dodge issues even more.

Glad you got a lawyer to help you get this over with!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> He wants you as his plan B and has a cake eater attitude. He has avoided you for almost 2 years. He doesn't want to face any consequences and now that they are coming for real and he sees you mean business, get ready for him to avoid and dodge issues even more.
> 
> Glad you got a lawyer to help you get this over with!


I edged him on again I sent him another text asking when can we talk about this. I said I wanted it over with now. All the strength and courage that I have built up will dwindle if i dont move on this. 

I just feel like I have lived in a nightmare the past 2 years. I just feel so unhappy and dont know how to be happy again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_ myself.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Has he responded???


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

(1/2)Sorry, i havent felt well for a few days so i hadn't thought of when. I guess sometime this weekend when you have time or you can just edit it to what you are thinking you want it to say and i will look over for my questions back. 
.
I responded it needs to be discussed verbally.

Im just going to retain the lawyer at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

That response is the same I get from STBXH all the time. Never wants to discuss anything. Just wants me to change things and send it to him to review in an email or something. And if I do try to discuss things with him, it is just turned around to how he doesn't have anyone to rely on...pitty him...blah blah blah...

Good idea on the lawyer. You just inspired me. I'm on my way to call the lawyer now to get him to draw up the house agreement. I'm done f*'ing around with this!!!

And your STBXH is just trying to dodge confrontation and dealing with the consequences of his actions. If he doesn't have to deal with you face to face it makes it less "real" for him and he doesn't have to face that he isn't a very nice person...he can pretend everything is fine in that messed up head of his.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

vi is right. They don't want to deal with the consequences of their decisions. It's way easier to avoid reality and rationalize what a victim they are / were and how justified everything they did was if they're not confronted by the real victim of their decisions. It's a reality check and a wake up call that disrupts their rationalization that they are still a "good" person despite everything.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> That response is the same I get from STBXH all the time. Never wants to discuss anything. Just wants me to change things and send it to him to review in an email or something. And if I do try to discuss things with him, it is just turned around to how he doesn't have anyone to rely on...pitty him...blah blah blah...
> 
> Good idea on the lawyer. You just inspired me. I'm on my way to call the lawyer now to get him to draw up the house agreement. I'm done f*'ing around with this!!!
> 
> And your STBXH is just trying to dodge confrontation and dealing with the consequences of his actions. If he doesn't have to deal with you face to face it makes it less "real" for him and he doesn't have to face that he isn't a very nice person...he can pretend everything is fine in that messed up head of his.


 
So these are similar responses to you? He knows I want to talk and keeps playing this game of ok we can do it at this time and then avoids meeting with me. You may be right about him dodging the consequesnces of his actions. I don't think he really knows what is all involved here. Or he could know I can take half the business and he is trying to avoid it. I'm not sure about the plan B....if I were his plan B, then why does he say he wants a divorce? Is this what they do?

Did you call your attorney? I hope my post did give you strength and not just make you emotional to do what you weren't ready for yet? 

We just need to believe it will all be ok. No matter what happens, we will be fine.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> vi is right. They don't want to deal with the consequences of their decisions. It's way easier to avoid reality and rationalize what a victim they are / were and how justified everything they did was if they're not confronted by the real victim of their decisions. It's a reality check and a wake up call that disrupts their rationalization that they are still a "good" person despite everything.


 
This is quite interesting Dazedguy. For a year, when I would try and talk to him, he would say things like you aren't the only victim here or I am a victim just as much as you are. He has even said things more recently like how much he is dealing with at work because of what happened back in August with the OW and how he has to gain his respect and trust back from his employees. Wow, you are right on about that playing the victim role so their decisions don't seem so bad. 

I'm just done. The more things are pointed out to me, the more I understand he is no good for me any longer. Perhaps never was. 

I hope you are having a good day today. I know things aren't easy for you either.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> This is quite interesting Dazedguy. For a year, when I would try and talk to him, he would say things like you aren't the only victim here or I am a victim just as much as you are. He has even said things more recently like how much he is dealing with at work because of what happened back in August with the OW and how he has to gain his respect and trust back from his employees. Wow, you are right on about that playing the victim role so their decisions don't seem so bad.
> 
> I'm just done. The more things are pointed out to me, the more I understand he is no good for me any longer. Perhaps never was.
> 
> I hope you are having a good day today. I know things aren't easy for you either.


Next time he complains you should tell him its his actions that caused his suffering


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I think he is realizing he is not getting much pitty from me anymore. I've finally woken up, grew up or wised up....whichever it was holding me back. Crazy how I am finally seeing what others have seen in my posting all year.

Today was his birthday. I took my son to get him a gift and he texted me tonight overly thanking me. It was ridiculous. Then was chatting it a bit in text to me but I didn't respond much. I just can't figure out his mentality.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I think he is realizing he is not getting much pitty from me anymore. I've finally woken up, grew up or wised up....whichever it was holding me back. Crazy how I am finally seeing what others have seen in my posting all year.
> 
> Today was his birthday. I took my son to get him a gift and he texted me tonight overly thanking me. It was ridiculous. Then was chatting it a bit in text to me but I didn't respond much. I just can't figure out his mentality.


Both of these sprung to mind reading your post...

The Smiths - I Want The One I Can't Have - YouTube

or alternatively...

The Smiths - Unhappy Birthday - YouTube

Hope you are having a good day...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Both of these sprung to mind reading your post...
> 
> The Smiths - I Want The One I Can't Have - YouTube
> 
> ...


Hi Starting Over. How have you been? I had a good day today. I will have to listen to yoyr links when i get home on my computer. Thanks...im curious as to what they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

An inspirational message that showed up in my email this morning read

God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.
Don't chase after them.

Says it all i think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I wish I had heard and understood that quote a long, long time ago, but better late than never I suppose.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> An inspirational message that showed up in my email this morning read
> 
> God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.
> Don't chase after them.
> ...


Wow. Definately appropriate for you, Sad.  hope you have a great Saturday


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I wish I had heard and understood that quote a long, long time ago, but better late than never I suppose.



Isn't that the truth?!?

I feel nothing for him anymore. Completely nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Wow. Definately appropriate for you, Sad.  hope you have a great Saturday


You too Sweetheart. I think about you daily.

I know i will now be ok. As a matter of fact, i feel i am going to be more than ok once i get things sorted out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So i feel a bit flustered about getting things moving. Like where do i start first. Attorney told me to start pulling financial info and past 3 years tax returns. I feel over whelmed withsorting out 22 years of such and the thought of selling the house and finding a new place to live and getting my things packed and trying not to disrupt my son with school is a lot at once and that doesn't include the continued job hunting. Stbxh still has cloths in our closet and a dresser in my room. 

Deep breaths...it is what it is.

I want this done by Christmas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> So i feel a bit flustered about getting things moving. Like where do i start first. Attorney told me to start pulling financial info and past 3 years tax returns. I feel over whelmed withsorting out 22 years of such and the thought of selling the house and finding a new place to live and getting my things packed and trying not to disrupt my son with school is a lot at once and that doesn't include the continued job hunting. Stbxh still has cloths in our closet and a dresser in my room.
> 
> Deep breaths...it is what it is.
> 
> ...


You will be so surprised what you can accomplish in a couple months time. You will be just fine, Sad 

Make a list, prioritize, and stick to it. It won't seem so daunting that way.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Got into it with him on the phone today as i told him that i let him get away with too much for too long in that i always take the blame for things. He got extremely defensive. Said i was starting with him. He had nerve to try and blame me for the affair. He eventually back down a bit but screw him. 

I dont love him anymore. I dont even think i like him much at all but yet still am hanging on a bit. To what? Is it the fear and laziness of sorting this mess out? 

Needless to say i feel down in the dumps a bit today.

I did tell him i told his mother everything and so he couldn't come back on me i told him i told her everything....even the stuff i did.

I didn't tell him i got an attorney though. That will be his surprise. I plan on seeing her with the retainer Tuesday or Wednesday. DS is off school tomorrow and i need to get some financial stuff together she asked for. Everything will be on its way by the end of the week. 

My stomach really hurts. It will be ok though. Right? Maybe the lists u suggest VI will help. I feel so fatigued from this morning that i just want to sleep. Ugh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Both of these sprung to mind reading your post...
> 
> The Smiths - I Want The One I Can't Have - YouTube
> 
> ...


ohhhh...that unhappy birthday gave me the creeps a little. What a sad song. 

I hope you are doing well today.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad, you will be just fine. Don't let his blameshifting get to you. He is just too ashamed and embarrassed of his actions to hear that he did anything wrong. He will always blame you. that's what cheaters do. You can tell him otherwise until you are blue in the face, but b/c he doesn't want to face himself, it won't matter. He just won't acknowledge that he really did anything wrong "B/C YOU MADE HIM DO IT..."

That's just how they think. You really start to wonder "who the hell did I marry" after awhile. They just don't think like normal, rational, emotionally stable people. Blaming you for everything as to why they cheated. 

Something Affaircare said to me that has really stuck with me through all of this b.s. When you deal with him, think of him as the mailman. Whatever comes out of his mouth, if its starting to upset you, think "would I care about this if the mailman was telling me this?" And no, you probably wouldn't. You would listen and acknowledge that you understood but after the interaction you probably wouldn't give it a second thought...b/c it's just the mailman. Not someone who is an important part of your life. 

How are you doing since the interaction today, Sad?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I've been up and down. I feel sad but I don't really think it is because of loosing him. I think it is more of loosing a family and our home and disrupting my son's life and the mess to clean all up. The phone conversation really confirmed he is an @ss. I owned up more than my share and half the world's share of mistakes for what I did. I am done beating myself up. His half @ss apologies and emptiness he can keep. She will always amount to what she is and if that is the type of person he wants, he can have them. I really can't believe the defensiveness and the turning the whole conversation around on me attitude he had. 

I found it humerous he tried texting me a few times this evening about DS. My friend (her and her husband knows us both) said he is just scared now as he has been awakened to the possibility of him loosing his business. 

I think my problem now is really just being overwhelmed. I also am finding that I really want someone in my life again so I am struggling a bit with trying to stay away from men and continue working on myself and getting all this divorce junk moving. I figure at this point, whatever happens happens. He thinks we will remain friends after this. He is so far fetched from that. I am not type to not forgive nor am I someone to hold grudges but I can't keep beating myself up with him having no remorse. He is not giving me a reason to forgive as he is not showing remores. 

I like your mailman idea. I use Unsure's advice with getting off the phone by saying oh, I gotta go now. I will try your idea with the mailman. I will try and let it go in one ear and out the other.

How are you doing today? Was your weekend ok? Did you call your attorney the other day?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

The overwhelmed feelings will start to go away as you tackle one thing at a time. Like I said, a list might help. I use Google Docs and have so many lists and spreadsheets right now to try to keep me organized and on task. I also have an android phone so if I think of something while I'm on the go, I can add it to the Google docs anywhere I am. It really helps me from forgetting things if I am in an emotional mindset. 

I'm doing ok today I guess. Had a rough time earlier today. Sunday's are the hardest day for me of the week. Now that I am not go, go, go, go doing things all weekend every weekend, I have had alot of downtime on Sundays. It was the day we would sleep in, cuddle, spend alot of leisurely time together, go to the movies or just nap all day on the couch with lots of flirting...quality time together. And my love language is quality time....so yeah...just really hard for me...

And Sundays during football season are even worse. B/c he would watch football nonstop from the pre-game show at 11am to the final game that ends around 11pm. So anything football triggers me quite a bit....

I did call my attorney, I have an appointment tomorrow. They are going to draw up the entire judgement of divorce. And since he defaulted, pretty much anything they put in the JOD I get. So the house agreement is going to be just fine b/c it will be everything that I want. Still doesn't protect my credit, but the consequences for him missing a mortgage payment 30 days or more is going to cost him a pretty penny.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> The overwhelmed feelings will start to go away as you tackle one thing at a time. Like I said, a list might help. I use Google Docs and have so many lists and spreadsheets right now to try to keep me organized and on task. I also have an android phone so if I think of something while I'm on the go, I can add it to the Google docs anywhere I am. It really helps me from forgetting things if I am in an emotional mindset.
> 
> I'm doing ok today I guess. Had a rough time earlier today. Sunday's are the hardest day for me of the week. Now that I am not go, go, go, go doing things all weekend every weekend, I have had alot of downtime on Sundays. It was the day we would sleep in, cuddle, spend alot of leisurely time together, go to the movies or just nap all day on the couch with lots of flirting...quality time together. And my love language is quality time....so yeah...just really hard for me...
> 
> ...


I hope you are right about it getting easier. I am so stressed to day i worked up a migraine. DS and i looked at an apartment today. A townhome. Just such a big adjustment for us. I left crying. I feel so much hatred for this man tonight. 

I called his mom this morning to tell her i told him that she knows everything. I talked with her a while and told her i was up set because he takes no responsibility and doesn't seem remorseful. She seemed defensive for him and said that's not true. I got upset cause that's not what i get from him. I know this is wrong but i'd be better off if he died. Needless to say i really feel id rather not be here tonight myself. All the changes at once are a lot to handle. He gives lame excuses to help with anything but wants the divorce so wth?

Sundays were the same for me. I swear next man better be a little science nerd who could care less about football. I want a Lenard from Big Bang Theory. I hope u r better today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

All i keep thinking to myself is exactly what Conrad said....he is abusive. Always has been. I just didnt see if for 22 years.  He is still able to rattle my chains. I dont know why cause i absolutely have no feelings for him. Just so angry he cant own up to anything and throws it all on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh Sad, I have so much to say but not near a computer...I'll respond once I get home...it sucks to type it all out on my phone...I'll just edit this post...stay tuned


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad, I know it's hard. I was in an abusive relationship and didn't see it for what it was for 15 years. My sisters saw it, I think my kids even knew. 
They will probably never own up to it or`show remorse. It's who they are , they haven't done any work to ensure they don't repeat their behaviors.To them it's all our fault. It isn't our problem anymore, their next relationship will play out the`same way.
It still is hard though, we tried so hard to make it work. Having as little contact as possible helps. It's the only way I'm getting through it all. Hang in there!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I hope you are right about it getting easier. I am so stressed to day i worked up a migraine. DS and i looked at an apartment today. A townhome. Just such a big adjustment for us. I left crying. I feel so much hatred for this man tonight.
> 
> I called his mom this morning to tell her i told him that she knows everything. I talked with her a while and told her i was up set because he takes no responsibility and doesn't seem remorseful. She seemed defensive for him and said that's not true. I got upset cause that's not what i get from him. I know this is wrong but i'd be better off if he died. Needless to say i really feel id rather not be here tonight myself. All the changes at once are a lot to handle. He gives lame excuses to help with anything but wants the divorce so wth?
> 
> ...


As much as it sucks, he is her son and she will take his side...always. Since he knows you told her everything, I'm sure he is on damage control as much as possible. He will never take blame for anything that he's done. Him and my STBXH seem to be cut from the same cloth. Want the divorce but don't want to do anything about it or help with it. B/c of that attitude, Iam going through with alot of things with the lawyer I wasn't going to pursue...but I just feel I need to protect myself as much as possible. And maybe with some monetary consequences, he will think twice about getting married again or at least cheating on his next wife....

But I do think CMF is right, b/c they won't take any responsibility for anything, their next relationships will play out the same way. I also see my STBXH was abusive...emotionally at least. He kept me in emotional hell and second guessing myself just to benefit him. They are so selfish....

NC is best. Stay strong, stay the course and work with your lawyer to get what is legally entitled to you and your son. Nothing less. 

It will still be quite a bit of roller coaster of emotions for you, but I see such a stronger, positive woman posting. You will be just fine and happy again someday. Use this crap your STBXH is putting you through to learn and grow. I see you doing this already - very proud of you. You are learning what you want and don't want....

As for football, I actually enjoy it...its just the 12 hour marathons that got old. That just started the last 2 years of our relationship. I think he used it as an escape from me and that is where the resentment comes from 

Hope you are doing better tonight, Sad...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> As much as it sucks, he is her son and she will take his side...always. Since he knows you told her everything, I'm sure he is on damage control as much as possible. He will never take blame for anything that he's done. Him and my STBXH seem to be cut from the same cloth. Want the divorce but don't want to do anything about it or help with it. B/c of that attitude, Iam going through with alot of things with the lawyer I wasn't going to pursue...but I just feel I need to protect myself as much as possible. And maybe with some monetary consequences, he will think twice about getting married again or at least cheating on his next wife....
> 
> But I do think CMF is right, b/c they won't take any responsibility for anything, their next relationships will play out the same way. I also see my STBXH was abusive...emotionally at least. He kept me in emotional hell and second guessing myself just to benefit him. They are so selfish....
> 
> ...


 
You are right. I am sure she feels in the middle. Just really got to me when she said that he was always home. I have emails and pictures that prove otherwise. I do believe it was casual as I know every time I rode past there he was always home but she needed to be told that he wasn't always home and that he pulled the wool over her eyes too and I have proof of it. I'm just really tired of it. I had a therapy appointment today and I basically for the first time told her I don't love him and I really don't even think I like him anymore. 

I had the worst migraine yesterday and my head is throbbing again today. It wasn't too bad this morning so I went to my kickboxing class and this was the first time in weeks now that I've been going that I just couldn't keep up. I felt horrible and needless to say it only depressed me too. I'm sure it was some from the migraine but maybe I'm just too old for this intense of exercise. 

I'm not sure his next relationship will play out the same way because I can't see there being a co dependent idiot like me to put up with all that crap for as long as I did. I'm sure they will get rid of him a lot quicker. He was quite the romancer the first year we were together but boy did that change. He is just so self absorbed and stubborn. URGH!!!

Thanks for the compliments. I do believe I am stronger now. I don't cry hardly at all any more over him and I do feel disconnection to him. Prior to August 22 (D Day) I would have literally given my life for him. What a load of crap my thinking was. I just need to get this done and see what my options will be. I was very sad looking at some townhomes yesterday. For the money, they weren't what I was expecting. Very outdated and it will be a huge adjustment going for a very nice home to that. I just feel angry as we both worked are @sses off for 20 years to get what we have today and now I have to start all over with EVERYTHING. 

You are right, I need to protect myself just as you are trying to do. He choose this. I will be damned if some POS gets what I worked hard for for many years and all the crap I put up with him. I am trying to gather what I need by the end of the week to present to the attorney.

I actually am a sports enthusist but there were many important things we missed cause he wouldn't budge from the tv to miss a Steelers game. He never missed one game in the 22 years I have known him. I went in labor during a 4pm game one sunday and had to wait until 7pm for him to take me to the hospital. Just a selfish @ss. So I prefer really the nerdiest of nerds in my next relationship. At least I know he will show me respect as he will be happy to be with me. I'm sure though I will end up again with some jerk. Just in my nature. "sigh"


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Sad, I know it's hard. I was in an abusive relationship and didn't see it for what it was for 15 years. My sisters saw it, I think my kids even knew.
> They will probably never own up to it or`show remorse. It's who they are , they haven't done any work to ensure they don't repeat their behaviors.To them it's all our fault. It isn't our problem anymore, their next relationship will play out the`same way.
> It still is hard though, we tried so hard to make it work. Having as little contact as possible helps. It's the only way I'm getting through it all. Hang in there!


I think it is so well hidden with him that I don't think anyone suspects he was so emotionally abusive. i didn't realize it until 3 different therapist told me he was. I do believe my son sees it though. 

I think once the whole divorce is done, I will be able to finally heal. Lots of stress surrounding the divorce right now. 

You hand in there too.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I went in labor during a 4pm game one sunday and had to wait until 7pm for him to take me to the hospital. Just a selfish @ss.


Hi sad...in the vernacular of the forums...what an asshat! Stay strong and don't let him get you down.He is what he is,but at least now the scales have figuratively fallen from your eyes when it comes to him.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I actually am a sports enthusist but there were many important things we missed cause he wouldn't budge from the tv to miss a Steelers game. He never missed one game in the 22 years I have known him. I went in labor during a 4pm game one sunday and had to wait until 7pm for him to take me to the hospital. Just a selfish @ss. So I prefer really the nerdiest of nerds in my next relationship. At least I know he will show me respect as he will be happy to be with me. I'm sure thought I will end up again with some jerk. Just in my nature. "sigh"


Wait.....what???? You are joking, right??? I mean I know you are not but I really can't believe this man. I want to punch him in the face right now!!

Have you thought about sending the pictures out to expose your STBXH to his mom and other people? Maybe that would shut them up and there is no way your STBXH can talk his way out of photo evidence.

Although he would probably try....


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Wait.....what???? You are joking, right??? I mean I know you are not but I really can't believe this man. I want to punch him in the face right now!!
> 
> Have you thought about sending the pictures out to expose your STBXH to his mom and other people? Maybe that would shut them up and there is no way your STBXH can talk his way out of photo evidence.
> 
> Although he would probably try....


 
No, I'm not kidding. I think if I would have pushed the issue (or water broke) he would have taken me but as usual his priorities are never right. 

I would not send the pics to his mother. I think that would only make me look bad to her for sending them because of the disgust. I'm not sure what legal right I have to send them out like that anyway because I took them from his email account. I can't say I haven't thought about numerous times making about 5 million copies and spewing them all over her front lawn so her neighbors can see what kind of person lives next to her but again, it only makes me a bad person. I honestly believe God will take care of her. 

I'll be ok. just a lot to wake up to all at once. The apartment searching depressed me a bit as I'm not sure now if that is what I want to do. I'm trying to do too much at once. I'm going to concentrate on gathering the past 3 years of financial information to turn into the attorney first so she can tell me where I stand financially. She is going to have to request the Company's past three years of returns herself. I don't have access to them at this point.

Really, other than a good provider, I'm not seeing much to this man anymore. Just more stressed for my own well being now just like most others on here. 

Honestly exposing him anymore I don't even really serves a purpose. I don't want to get nasty until everything is finalized and to be honest, after done, I just want to walk away and start a new life. I have no desire to bring him down anymore as he will get that in the future when I am gone. Just not who I am. I just want me and my son to be ok and that is all. I am going to just try to keep blocking him out....just hard when a child is involved.

Thanks VI Bride. I hope you are doing ok today.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I totally understand your way of thinking. Like you say, he will be taken care of by his own actions 

I feel much better, thank you. Finalizing things with the lawyer really put me a few steps ahead progress wise I think. I'm ready for this to be over next week. I wasn't sure how I would feel as the date got closer but I'm ok with it now. 

It is overwhelming but we will get through it.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I still follow you Sad.
I'm impressed.You were on the ropes just a few months ago.Now look at you.
Youre a fighter!
I'll never understand your boneheaded stbx.
I just dont get him.Oh well,his big loss.
Had a feeling you'd be an inspiration!
Good job Sad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Oh my...speaking of all the football stuff...get this. So it was decided two weeks ago that DS would start going to see him on Thursdays and stay over night. It came about when DS said in therapy that he didn't see his dad enough so I talked to stbxh and he said he'd start taking him on Thursdays. 

So a very rare late evening hockey practice was called for this coming Thursday. So Saturday, stbx husband asked me to ask son if he wanted to go to that practice and made it sound like it really wasn't mandatory by DS's hockey coaches. So I asked son and he said he absolutely wants to go. So I told STBXH that on Saturday.

So Sunday comes and that dreadful phone conversation takes place leaving me feel like crap.

Well last night STBXH tries to call me and I ignored the call especially after the call on Sunday.

Tonight again he tries to call and I don't answer again. Then I get a text asking if I am there. WTH!

Half hour later I get an email. He asks a second time if DS is sure he wants to go to the practice because the Steelers have a Thursday night game this week. I KNEW THERE WAS A MOTIVE WHY HE KEPT ASKING IF DS WANTED TO GO TO PRACTICE. I guess I won't be there to do everything for him now. Now he can see what it is like to give up things as a single dad. Jack @ss co dependent me won't be there anymore for him to use.

See VI Bride....God will handle it. I need not stoop that low myself.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> I still follow you Sad.
> I'm impressed.You were on the ropes just a few months ago.Now look at you.
> Youre a fighter!
> I'll never understand your boneheaded stbx.
> ...


 
I'm getting there Calvin. At least my setback isn't me pining over him. I've gained enough sense now from all of you to see right through him now. I just had a rough couple of days. I will be ok and I will be better than ok once I am through all this. 

I never understood him either but was just too blind to realize things weren't right. I suppose the good thing is now I do. It will just be difficult until I get everything sorted out. 

I'm just going to make sure my second chance will be done right. 

Thanks as always Calvin. You're such a good guy!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I feel much better, thank you. Finalizing things with the lawyer really put me a few steps ahead progress wise I think. I'm ready for this to be over next week. I wasn't sure how I would feel as the date got closer but I'm ok with it now.


That is what I am hoping that as things get done they will be less overwhelming and I will start feeling better and better. I guess I already do in a sense as I'm not crying over him leaving anymore. That is huge progress.

You are a tough girl VI. I'm glad to have met you... :smthumbup:


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> You are a tough girl VI. I'm glad to have met you... :smthumbup:


*blushes*

Thanks, Sad. I think my fiery spirit helps with that


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am longing for patience today. I don't feel quite as bothered by him today but want all this over now like yesterday. I talked to my therapist today and one thing that was pointed out to me is the anger I am harboring for stbxh still having OW still at the business. I need to learn to let that anger go for myself. Any ideas from anyone?


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Hey Sad - Have you decided to file? Where are you with that?

I think your anger is justified, but it isn't where you want to stay. Don't become bitter by letting this betrayal define you. I think when you start moving forward and stop looking back the anger will fade. At least that's my plan and I'm sticking to it 

If you're ready to move on and get to a better place, file and start your new life.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi DG.

I have decided to move forward. All I'm doing is exactly what you said to A12 on her thread....allowing him to stall all this still more. I want to gather all the financial information and then retain the lawyer. I was hoping to do it by tomorrow but I had a really bad week and just didn't get all the infor for the last three years together. I'm kicking myself now but am hoping to do it over the weekend and take it to her on Monday or Tuesday of next week. The only way I'm going to get out of this mess is face my fears and get the ball rolling. 

I'm struggling a bit with lonliness too. I know I am not ready but want to be divorced so that I have the option to date if something does come up. Its very scary for me though for many things. I'm very scared of going on that first date. I know it sounds silly but I really haven't in 22 years and I was much younger back then and I am terrified of who I will end up meeting as well as keeping my head on straight in the process.

I know I have a lot of priorities to straighten out first....new home, job, dealing with my son and possibly a new school for him. I just really wish I had some good friends but needless to say I just don't. 

Facing my fears now is the biggest challenge. I guess I just really need to get past the fact that my long term marriage is done and realize what my heart feels and that is I don't want a man like him. I don't want him any longer either. Just makes me sad though. Just who I am and that part I can't change.

I know the bitterness allows them to win. I really need to find ways to over come that.

I hope your plan is correct and it works out for you too.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I feel like i hit a wall today....i think its been building all week and got to me today. As nasty as he is i miss him some today. Maybe its not him...just the family and normalcy i miss. Ive had some very dark thoughts today and dont like where my feelings are heading again. Not ferlings for him but feelings of despair and never fully recovering from all this.

Ive been off meds now since August 1st. Migraines seem to be returning along with depression. I hope its only coincidential.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

How are you doing Sad?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Been thinking about you Sad


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi guys....Much better the past 24 hours or so and actually....don't lecture DG...lol but I went on a date....well sorta a date. I ended up talking again with that guy I met that I sort of had an interest in. Nothing series but I went to the Pitt football game with him and two of his Aunts and his Dad. I had a nice time but have to tell you I never felt so awkward in a long time. I did miss the feeling of comfortness that I had with my stbxh....you know of just doing and saying what ever as you knew each other so well. It wasn't anything series and I don't plan on anything series with him right now and he knows that. We are just being friends although he did kiss me goodbye. I really even don't know how it felt because I still have my stbxh so inplanted in my mind still. So I am just going to keep things slow with everything and I already promised myself no matter what...after this is done and said, I plan on kissing many toads before I find my prince charming this time. (not literally but you get the idea)

STBXH texted me a few times with overly nice crap again all weekend while he has our son. I'm don't think I will ever fully detach and move on until everything is settle and I have a life again. It will be hard but I got to keep moving forward. My migraines slowed me down last week....so I am hoping to get the papers to the attorney Monday. I don't want to keep dragging my feet. I'm praying the headaches stay at bay. Today was a migraine free day.

Thanks for checking on me. I hope you two are having a good weekend.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi guys....Much better the past 24 hours or so and actually....don't lecture DG...lol but I went on a date....well sorta a date. I ended up talking again with that guy I met that I sort of had an interest in. Nothing series but I went to the Pitt football game with him and two of his Aunts and his Dad. I had a nice time but have to tell you I never felt so awkward in a long time. I did miss the feeling of comfortness that I had with my stbxh....you know of just doing and saying what ever as you knew each other so well. It wasn't anything series and I don't plan on anything series with him right now and he knows that. We are just being friends although he did kiss me goodbye. I really even don't know how it felt because I still have my stbxh so inplanted in my mind still. So I am just going to keep things slow with everything and I already promised myself no matter what...after this is done and said, I plan on kissing many toads before I find my prince charming this time. (not literally but you get the idea)
> 
> STBXH texted me a few times with overly nice crap again all weekend while he has our son. I'm don't think I will ever fully detach and move on until everything is settle and I have a life again. It will be hard but I got to keep moving forward. My migraines slowed me down last week....so I am hoping to get the papers to the attorney Monday. I don't want to keep dragging my feet. I'm praying the headaches stay at bay. Today was a migraine free day.
> 
> Thanks for checking on me. I hope you two are having a good weekend.


Sounds like your holding your own Sad.
Yes,kiss all the toads you want.Be picky Sad.
I saw your pic,youre very pretty.I've listen to your words and you are smart,kind and a great Mom.
I'm still impressed how you have changed and grown stronger.
Keep standing your ground Sad.
Youre alright in my book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sounds like your holding your own Sad.
> Yes,kiss all the toads you want.Be picky Sad.
> I saw your pic,youre very pretty.I've listen to your words and you are smart,kind and a great Mom.
> I'm still impressed how you have changed and grown stronger.
> ...


 
Thanks Calvin. I still felt an awkward feeling out today with someone else but then again, I haven't dated since I was 19. I just feel uncomfortable. I hope that goes away. The more people find out, the more I've been having people come out of the woodwork and ask me out. It's an ego booster but I just don't think I am ready. I don't want to do it because of the lonliness. I just want to be able to recognize when I am ready to date.

I'm getting there. My steps are leaps now with little falls here and there. Almost there, I think.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Hi Sad, 
If your going to kiss a lot of toads, make sure you don't get warts


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I'm just glad you're feeling better.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks for the chuckle JD. After talking for a year with most people on here....I can only hope that I find someone with Conrad's intellegence, Synthetics' understanding and commitment to love, Calvin's enthusiasm and DG's heart and personality. Not sure if there are any toads with all those characteristic that I could transform.

Me too DG. At least I know I really am not ready for anyone new in my life yet. Just going to get through the next couple of months and try to keep staying focused on me. I need to find something that interests me so much that I don't feel lonely anymore. Keep trying to find what I really like...but keep failing.

I just want the down times to end fully. Each time I bounce out of them they do take longer to come about again and don't happen as often any more. One thing I am able to tell the difference between now is not wanting him back and it just being the feeling of missing familiarity and family life.

Hope all of you had a good weekend.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Thanks Calvin. I still felt an awkward feeling out today with someone else but then again, I haven't dated since I was 19. I just feel uncomfortable. I hope that goes away. The more people find out, the more I've been having people come out of the woodwork and ask me out. It's an ego booster but I just don't think I am ready. I don't want to do it because of the lonliness. I just want to be able to recognize when I am ready to date.
> 
> I'm getting there. My steps are leaps now with little falls here and there. Almost there, I think.


You have what it takes Sad.I see it.
Confidence is up,your bullsh!t detector is working fine.
You have the drive,endurance,staying power,and the will to keep moving.
Youre a strong woman Sad.
Keep doing what youre doing...and youre doing good.
Its a nice change of pace to see someone turn things around like you have.

You Da man Sad!!!...Umm,sorry...You Da Woman Sad!!
Good stuff. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I was ok all weekend....stbxh dropped dear son off....nothing bad happened but i feel so bad this has happened. Feel torn....i dont feel i want him but at the same time i do. I want our family back. I want to fix the marriage. It makes me angry he so easily doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I feel the same way. I wish we had a time machine to go back to better times. 

But this is life. We have to get up, dust off, and take one step at a time.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

you are beautiful, any man would be lucky to get you 
just my .2 cents


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hang in there Sad,you've come too far to turn back now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

calvin said:


> Hang in there Sad,you've come too far to turn back now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hope you are feeling better today, Sad. And Calvin is right, you have come too far now to turn back. 

Just think how much more miserable you would be if you did try to make it work with him. Your anxiety would be through the roof! The OW is still at his work, he won't come clean with any details that you would need to heal, and to top it off, he would think he could do the same thing again down the road since you took him back after everything that his happened. 

You are worth more than that, Sad. So much more. You are worth having someone care and love you and your son, to be honest with you, to hold you and mean it, to stare into your eyes and not have to say anything.....all of that stuff, you deserve and you will find! 

Your STBXH doesn't deserve you Sad. And I think deep down you know that and that is why you are having such a rough time. 

Stay strong!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh Sad, I hope everything is ok. Thinking of you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yes,how are you doing Sad? You hav'nt posted in a couple days.
I pray all is well with you and your son.
Youre a good woman Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad? Praying for you


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sad,hope all is well with you.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Hope you are doing better and not needing TAM for support as much anymore! Thinking about you Sad.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Now I'm getting worried.
Oooooohh Sad,where are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

calvin said:


> Now I'm getting worried.
> Oooooohh Sad,where are you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree...had she been posting in any other threads?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I agree...had she been posting in any other threads?


Looks like she last logged off after her last post here.Maybe someone can PM her and she'll get an email notification.Keeping positive thoughts for her.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

She hasnt been on since the 14th,praying HARD for you Sad.
Please be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad....sending you good vibes from my girls retreat...hope you are staying strong...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad - very concerned. Just want to know you and your son are safe and not in harms way.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

This worries me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

calvin said:


> This worries me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too. I have been thinking about Sad alot and am concerned. Its not like her to just abandoned the board like this. She was a very active poster. 

Hopefully her computer just died and/or lost her cell phone service. I thought she posted from her mobile every once in awhile. So yea...I am concerned. 

I hope its something very small and trivial but I am very worried. Hopefully I am overreacting!!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Pray,all you can do.
Hope she's just taking a break from Tams or its something like you mentioned
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad???????

This sucks


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I got excited when I saw this was an unread thread....

 but Sad still hasn't responded... ??


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Oh my gracious. I am so touched by everyone looking for me. I am doing ok. I have had my up and down rollercoaster days still. One day I am so angry at him (mainly for keeping her at the office), then the next I feel sad (but this doesn't happen too often anymore) and the next I could care less about him and think about what a jerk he is. 

I've just been busy trying to work on my codependencey issues and getting stuff to the attorney to move the divorce along and dealing with some issues with my son pertaining to all this. I've been working out a lot too. I've been job hunting and lots of hockey games with my son too. I even went on a coffee date with a really nice police officer. 

I am working on me which is what I should have done the past two years and moved forward and not put myself or my son through so much misery. 

Thank you so much for the well wishes and Calvin and VI for the prayers. You two are so sweet. People on this board have been so kind to me over the past year. 

I hope all of you are fairing ok. How is Unsure?


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## Mayers89 (Oct 25, 2012)

I want him out of my head.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Glad youre back Sad,actually was kinda worried about you.
Next time you check in young lady or your grounded from Tams.
Its good to hear youre still moving foward Sad.
Coffee date with a cop huh? Cool,my Mom was a cop,I was off to the academy until I got the job in the mills.
Glad youre back Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Im doing ok thanks for asking Sad... I haven't been around quite as much lately, guess I dont need it ( that a good thing)  I have been following along with your thread, and you sound like you have been doing REALLY well.. So how was the date with the police officer?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> Oh my gracious. I am so touched by everyone looking for me. I am doing ok. I have had my up and down rollercoaster days still. One day I am so angry at him (mainly for keeping her at the office), then the next I feel sad (but this doesn't happen too often anymore) and the next I could care less about him and think about what a jerk he is.
> 
> I've just been busy trying to work on my codependencey issues and getting stuff to the attorney to move the divorce along and dealing with some issues with my son pertaining to all this. I've been working out a lot too. I've been job hunting and lots of hockey games with my son too. I even went on a coffee date with a really nice police officer.
> 
> ...


Sad,

Remember Conrad's maxim:

"Don't listen to what they say, watch what they do"

posOW is STILL at his office.

What else do you need to know?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Sad!!!  Thanks for the update. Sounds like you are continuing to move forward and that is great. 

Conrad is right, she's still there...that says it all without saying a word. It blows my mind she is still there after what happened...seems like any normal person would not want someone who was capable of shooting the mother of their child around. 

But then I realize we "normals" can't try to think like our STBXs, Sad. They are just operating under justifications and selfishness we can't even fathom. I mean, my STBX just got engaged.....who does that?? Our divorce isn't even final yet. It seems at his age he would make more rational decisions than getting engaged to a girl he has known less than 3 months. 

But he's her problem now....I'm sure he won't cheat on this one...3rd times a charm right?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Happy to see things are okay with you.You sound like you're on much firmer footing in your life and have really broken out of that bubble you were in for so long.Glad to see you're getting back to some of the things that you like and are important to you like your son's hockey games.Nothing like those early Saturday morning games is there? Take care Sad.

Btw...coffee date..:smthumbup:


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> Remember Conrad's maxim:
> 
> ...


 
This is exactly what keeps me going Conrad. When I start having a rough time, I think of several things you and Syn have told me. The above being the biggest one. Even that day I defended not calling her a POS, I deep down know she is and he is too for keeping her there. I know I struggle with letting that part of his betrayal go. I want to just not care any longer what he does even if it is keeping her there. I don't even understand how he can do that to his buddy and key man at the business. I know it hurt him as well. 

I think once I can establish a life again mostly meaning this overwith and I find a new job, I will really begin to move on.

I am very excited as I am meeting my old high school best friend tonight: have only seen her 3 times in about 23 years. That is something Syn and I talked about on my co dependency thread; my lack of girlfriends. I am hoping to really reconnect with her. Interestingly enough she is going through divorce too. Her husband would walk their 7 year old son to the school bus and then head down a few houses to the neighbors for the morning. Talk about another POS. So we at least have something we can lean on each other for but she seems to be doing much better than me. 

My stbxh called this morning (his weekend with our son). He proceeded to argue with me when I asked him questions pertaining to an issue he is having with our son that he called me for. I did just stop him in the middle of it so I do feel I am getting stronger little by little. I don't back down with things anymore in hopes of him coming back.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Good stuff Sad,youre in the drivers seat you control what happens in your life and your stbx is trying to control everything.
You did all you could with him,he had a excellent shot at repairing things with you,instead he strung you along.
I feel he kinda had you under his thumb and now that you have broke free and youre starting to live your own life he doesnt like it.
I'm still amazed at how you have changed from a year ago when I first started posting.
Here's to us Sad! (raising my beer) I think we're both gonna be alright.
Nice job Sad!
Keep up the good work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I am so overwhelmed and speechless by the love and support I get on this board.

I'm doing ok...I am really looking forward to going out with my girlfriend tonight. Having a good girlfriend is something I lacked for a long time and really need to have in my life to help put me on track again so I don't feel so lonely and vulnerable to another relationship.

I got a text yesterday from the police officer I had the coffee date with. He asked when he can see me again. I asked him when does he want to and he said tonight but I know it is short notice. He wanted to take me to dinner. I accepted and we went out on a real date. He did something I thought was really sweet. A couple weeks ago we were talking about favorite foods and I had told him my guilty pleasure is a really good burger off the grill. Well he researched restaurants for the best burger in the Burgh and took me there last night. It was this awesome restaurant that I had never heard of. It was called Burgatory (a play on purgatory). It was so neat inside with a play on theme of good and evil. It had some neat tall fire pits scattered through out the restaurant. I had a nice time. We again talked for hours. I am really attracted to his personality but not so sure physically although he is a really good kisser.  One thing was good, I really did not think about my stbxh. He does know I am not looking for an immediate relationship and knowing my own co dependency issues, I need to watch myself. He did pick me up at my house yesterday like a real date...lol My neighbors across the street saw. (I assume they have figured it out by now that my husband and I are history, but I have never told them.) I did feel a bit uncomfortable, but a lady at my gym said it is really none of their business. So assuming he knows I do not want to get too serious too quickly, do i keep seeing him occasionally just to have fun with someone even if I am not sure about the relationship to begin with? I mean, I love his personality (he was married by the way for 18 years and his ex wife had an affair 12 years ago resulting in a pregnancy. He stuck it out and went through therapy, but she seems to have never really worked on her part to heal their marriage and started showing signs of cheating again 2 years ago and when she wouldn't talk to him, he left for good. My negatives are I'm not necessarily sure how physically attracted to him I am, I'm not sure I want involved with someone in a dangerous position and above all, I think I should date lots of toads before ever getting into another 22 year commited relationship. Anyway, this is silly. I see why most say don't date too soon because of these exact things I am wondering but it has been almost 2 years alone...ugh.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi Sad,you seem to be pretty self aware regarding your co-dependency issues and you already informed him that you weren't ready for an immediate relationship,so how hard he pursues you should give you some indication of where his thinking lies.Do what makes you feel comfortable always.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Good to hear you're doing well Sad. I say date a lot of people and keep it low-key and not serious. You need some practice after 20 years!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Take your time Sad and remember be picky.
Youre a beautiful woman inside and out,I saw your pic, very nice, so a lot of men will flip for you.
Just take your time and date a few other guys also,your cop does sound like a thoughful man .
I couldnt stop thinking about CSS today,couldnt wait to get home to her.She has done everything right and then some.So glad we are going to make it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Take your time Sad and remember be picky.
> Youre a beautiful woman inside and out,I saw your pic, very nice, so a lot of men will flip for you.
> Just take your time and date a few other guys also,your cop does sound like a thoughful man .
> I couldnt stop thinking about CSS today,couldnt wait to get home to her.She has done everything right and then some.So glad we are going to make it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
When he (my date) told me about what his wife did, I actually thought of you and how CSS is working her butt off to make it up to you. I'm glad you two are working it out. Says a lot for both of you!

Yeah...I've actually had a few really good looking guys ask me out and I keep declining because of intimidation. I need to work on a bit of my self esteem too.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Hi Sad,you seem to be pretty self aware regarding your co-dependency issues and you already informed him that you weren't ready for an immediate relationship,so how hard he pursues you should give you some indication of where his thinking lies.Do what makes you feel comfortable always.


 
Very good point made but do I view it as he is pressuring me even though I told him I don't want a series relationship or do I view it as he really wants to get to know me? Dating sucks! I miss just having a husband.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Very good point made but do I view it as he is pressuring me even though I told him I don't want a series relationship or do I view it as he really wants to get to know me? Dating sucks! I miss just having a husband.


I think a lot depends on the setting and tone of the dates.Is it consistently romantic type dinners or is it more let's go skydiving type fun dates? You'll also be able to tell a lot if he calls you on short notice often or he tries to extend a date past the point you feel comfortable.Imo,you seem to be doing good from what you've posted,just keep being open and honest about your wishes and remember to trust your gut.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I say have some fun Sad, go out enjoy having dates, you were up front with him about what you are looking for right now... going out and having some fun really helped me out 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> I say have some fun Sad, go out enjoy having dates, you were up front with him about what you are looking for right now... going out and having some fun really helped me out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Time to start moving forward, Sad.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I had the best time in a very long time with my old best friend. I have not laughed so hard in years. I even let loose and had a couple glasses of red wine. It is amazing what she went through and very ironically, she kicked her stbxh out in January the same time mine left. Her husband was cheating on her with the neighbor. 

She is an amazingly strong women and someone I definitely could use in my life on a permenant basis. She seems to have her head on straight and I believe will put mine back on straight too. 

Its funny because growing up with her, I was always the sensible one, the strong one. Crazy to think the roles are reversed now. 

My stbx takes our son on her weekends she is off work. We are planning to go see a local band that does Bonjovi and Journey type music on her next weekend off. I am really excited.

Hope everyone is having a good day.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> I say have some fun Sad, go out enjoy having dates, you were up front with him about what you are looking for right now... going out and having some fun really helped me out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Hi Unsure.

My girlfriend said the exact same thing. She said I was in a marriage basically from the age of 18 or 19 and had had the same boyfriend prior to him for 3 to 4 years (all high school) so she said I need to get out and just have fun for a while and she is right....I just need to not get attached to anyone too quickly. It is sorta of funny as men my age are looking to finally settle down and I am just looking to have fun.

I did meet someone else that I am enjoying getting to know. He is very attractive so I feel a bit intimidated. He is a big baseball fan and went with a buddy to MI for the 3rd World Series playoff game this weekend. He texted me all weekend and sent me pictures. I thought that was really sweet since he was out with his friend. My girlfriend is edging me on to go out with him. She says be yourself and if he doesn't like you, the hell with him. She is going to be a good support system for me.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> I think a lot depends on the setting and tone of the dates.Is it consistently romantic type dinners or is it more let's go skydiving type fun dates? You'll also be able to tell a lot if he calls you on short notice often or he tries to extend a date past the point you feel comfortable.Imo,you seem to be doing good from what you've posted,just keep being open and honest about your wishes and remember to trust your gut.


 
Calls on short term notice often??? What does that tell?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Dazedguy....Wondering how you are doing?

Thinking of you and said a prayer for you today!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Calls on short term notice often??? What does that tell?


Jmo,but as a man,if I called a woman often for a date on short term notice,I might be assuming I was more important to her than I might really be.Assuming she is available whenever would be me taking that there is an established relationship for granted.Don't know if that would ever be the case with you as you will be the one setting your boundaries in your dating life.Imo,ambiguity in conversations while dating can lead to incorrect conclusions on either persons part so clear boundaries are necessary from the start,but that is just me and my sometimes convoluted thinking.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

TBT said:


> Jmo,but as a man,if I called a woman often for a date on short term notice,I might be assuming I was more important to her than I might really be.Assuming she is available whenever would be me taking that there is an established relationship for granted.Don't know if that would ever be the case with you as you will be the one setting your boundaries in your dating life.Imo,ambiguity in conversations while dating can lead to incorrect conclusions on either persons part so clear boundaries are necessary from the start,but that is just me and my sometimes convoluted thinking.


 
I see. Very good point made. It also helps me with setting those boundaries early....something I struggle with. Thank you for the advice. 

No hockey stinks!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> No hockey stinks!


Ikr...nobody suffers but the fans!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

our vision shattered said:


> you are beautiful, any man would be lucky to get you
> just my .2 cents


 
Awww shucks....I'm blushing now. Thank you...I think I am starting to learn this. My best friend from high school was just telling me this last night. I think having her back in my life will be a very positive influence.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Awww shucks....I'm blushing now. Thank you...I think I am starting to learn this. My best friend from high school was just telling me this last night. I think having her back in my life will be a very positive influence.


I have to say what really helped me find strength during rough times were my friends. A good support system is vital. And it sounds as if though you are on the right track. So happy for you Sad. Looks like you are starting to enjoy life for YOU


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Sad...I am so glad to hear that you have re-kindled your friendship with your friend. I remember you stating a while ago how you wished you had some good girlfriends to talk to. This sounds awesome.

...and think you should just let yourself have some fun dating.  It sounds like you are being upfront and honest. ...and that is good. Going out and meeting new people really helped me to move on....in way, it sort of helps you to have a "fresh start"--re-invent yourself in a way. 

You are doing just so great...and you deserve some happiness and hope in your life.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I have to say what really helped me find strength during rough times were my friends. A good support system is vital. And it sounds as if though you are on the right track. So happy for you Sad. Looks like you are starting to enjoy life for YOU


 
Hi VI. How are you doing? Any progress on the papers and the house? I was so sorry to read yours is already engaged again. He will just do the same to her. Took mine not getting rid of OW to see how he truly is.

You are right...seeing my old friend was probably the greatest thing in many years. We are going out again in two weeks.

Thank you so much for the kind posts the past couple of days. It really touched me.

How was your weekend?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi VI. How are you doing? Any progress on the papers and the house? I was so sorry to read yours is already engaged again. He will just do the same to her. Took mine not getting rid of OW to see how he truly is.
> 
> You are right...seeing my old friend was probably the greatest thing in many years. We are going out again in two weeks.
> 
> ...


Yeah I hired a lawyer so had him draw up the judgement of divorce. Got what I needed I guess. Still won't protect my credit but there is a hefty $$$ if he is 30 days late.

The whole engagement thing blows my mind. I feel cheated. Like what the hell? I really gave myself to this person? He got to know me in the most intimate ways possible.....and he didn't DESERVE to get to know me in that way. It sucks I didn't see him for what he was so long ago. I hate that the type of person he is deep down at his core.......i HATE that he got to know me as intimately like he did. He is so selfish....I don't like to give myself to those types people. At least this was a huge learning experience for me. And I can't wait to find someone who does deserve me!!! 

My weekend is going ok. Having some revelations of sorts. Just keep moving forward I guess


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad,do me a favore and say a prayer tonight for me and css
I really need it .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> Hey Sad...I am so glad to hear that you have re-kindled your friendship with your friend. I remember you stating a while ago how you wished you had some good girlfriends to talk to. This sounds awesome.
> 
> ...and think you should just let yourself have some fun dating.  It sounds like you are being upfront and honest. ...and that is good. Going out and meeting new people really helped me to move on....in way, it sort of helps you to have a "fresh start"--re-invent yourself in a way.
> 
> You are doing just so great...and you deserve some happiness and hope in your life.


Thank you so much for that JPR. You have always been a great strength to me in my very dark times. 

You are so right....I feel so good to be rekindling my friendship with her. It is amazing she is going through the same thing only she lives her life and doesn't spend one minute anymore on her POS stbxh. Her strength will only help me more. We had such a great time last night and I can't wait to go to the concert with her. 

Its funny because you are so right....I am almost creating and forming a new me which will be even better than before. I am learning to set those boundaries (although I have difficulty with them), but it is molding me into a better healthier person. Conrad and Syn have been very helpful in this area and I just keep working on the co dependency.

How are you doing these days?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sad,do me a favore and say a prayer tonight for me and css
> I really need it .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
I'm sorry Calvin. You got it...I will keep praying daily until you don't need it. PM me if you need to. It will be ok....I know your love for each other is strong and God is on your side.

(((Hugs)))


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi Sad...

A good friend of mine likes to tell me that "God puts the right people in your life at the right time".. and I really believe that. In my case, Sasquatch served his purpose in my life. But, Sasquatch's time is done. I actually learned a lot from him, and I am a better person for my time with him.

Your friend has come back into your life for a reason. You two can help each other...and be support to each other.

I am going well. Most of the time, I am pretty happy with my life. Like you, though, I can trying not to fall into old patterns. I tend to be too accommodating to others, and in the process I lose track of my myself and my own wants and needs. 

You just sound so amazingly good right now. I am happy for you!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> Hi Sad...
> 
> A good friend of mine likes to tell me that "God puts the right people in your life at the right time".. and I really believe that. In my case, Sasquatch served his purpose in my life. But, Sasquatch's time is done. I actually learned a lot from him, and I am a better person for my time with him.
> 
> ...


 
I crack up every time I hear you call him Sasquatch! 

You do sound good too.  

You are right on with the accomodating of others....that is something I need to be extremely cautious of. I need to remember to focus on myself and not the person I am seeing or will be seeing. That is the most difficult for me. I want to focus on what I want and not what I feel the other person needs.

So glad you are feeling better these days. How is your little guy?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Calvin....You doing better today? Saying a special prayer for you now.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Calvin....You doing better today? Saying a special prayer for you now.


Yep,thanks Sad.
It comes and goes .CSS has gone beyond and above,she really has.
Future looks so bright I got to wear shades...God I hated that song,still do.
Seems you right on track Sad.Youre getting there.
Good job so far,keep it up.
You've been inspiring poeple...me included.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So glad you are feeling better today. God works in mysterious ways. I had a decent day. My stbxh called tonight with a few questions about our son, tomorrow is his 12th birthday. I just feel annoyed by him anymore.

I'm bracing for Sandy....hitting us now....very cold, rainy and so windy. It is expected to be held over us for a while with the winter storm coming from the North. Last time Ivan wrecked havoc on Pittsburgh. I'm hoping it doesn't this time.

I'm still praying for you and CSS. Hope you sleep well tonight.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Its snowing here in mi where i live


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

A lot?

It is crazy what this storm is causing. 

Keep warm and safe.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

No not a lot but definitely snow. Cold and so windy. This storm is crazy!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> A lot?
> 
> It is crazy what this storm is causing.
> 
> Keep warm and safe.


Hell,I didnt know youre on the East Coast Sad.
Take care,be safe.
I could hear the wind howling all last night,it was kinda cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

calvin said:


> Hell,I didnt know youre on the East Coast Sad.
> Take care,be safe.
> I could hear the wind howling all last night,it was kinda cool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amazing the wind from that storm went all the way to Indiana.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Amazing the wind from that storm went all the way to Indiana.


65 mph gust and 24 foot waves on Lake Michigan.
It is amazing the reach that storm had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> No not a lot but definitely snow. Cold and so windy. This storm is crazy!


We're on the East Coast. We didn't get snow but we did get "snew".

You never heard of that and you want to know what is snew?

I'll tell you what's new. Not much, what's new with you?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Hell,I didnt know youre on the East Coast Sad.
> Take care,be safe.
> I could hear the wind howling all last night,it was kinda cool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Not too close to the shoreline....I'm in The City of Champions, Pittsburgh. It has rained here three days straight and the wind was howling horribly Monday...but luckily not much damage. Poor NY and NJ. What a mess everywhere. So many deaths too. 


How are you doing otherwise tonight Calvin?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Amazing the wind from that storm went all the way to Indiana.


 
Where are you at Conrad?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Yesterday was my son's birthday. Spent the evening with him and then took his cake to my stbx MIL's and we had cake there so my son could see his dad. He is such an @ss. I don't find him attractive in any way any more. I couldn't wait to get out of there.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Yesterday was my son's birthday. Spent the evening with him and then took his cake to my stbx MIL's and we had cake there so my son could see his dad. He is such an @ss. I don't find him attractive in any way any more. I couldn't wait to get out of there.


How is the divorce going, Sad??


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Its going....I want it to go faster but its my own fault....I just have been so busy and need to get some more info to he attorney. So much going on with my son and school and hockey and my job hunting and everything else...overwhelming at times, but I don't feel too bad most days anymore.

I am making lots of new friends too...unfortuneatly mostly men but I am really reconnecting with my high school best friend and can't wait until next weekend to go out with her again.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Not too close to the shoreline....I'm in The City of Champions, Pittsburgh. It has rained here three days straight and the wind was howling horribly Monday...but luckily not much damage. Poor NY and NJ. What a mess everywhere. So many deaths too.
> 
> 
> How are you doing otherwise tonight Calvin?


Hey Sad,glad youre safe.
I'm doing ok,been struggling lately,I have to overcome this crap.I have to CSS is doing everything right,a lot of bad memories keep coming back,after eight months you'd think I'd be there by now.
Hope all is well with you Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Calvin. How are you doing today?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So I was thinking today that I believe I am over him because no longer wonder do I wonder what he is doing on weekends when he doesn't have our son and I have realized that I really don't care what he is doing.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> So I was thinking today that I believe I am over him because no longer wonder do I wonder what he is doing on weekends when he doesn't have our son and I have realized that I really don't care what he is doing.


That's great, sad!!!!!  I'm gonna dance in celebration for you (playing my xbox game currently)

How are things going other than not giving a rats @ss about him??


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Imo it sounds like you're quickly becoming your own person again and your identity isn't bound to him anymore.You're seeing other possibilities and everytime you take a step outside your comfort zone you're getting stronger as an individual.Good for you.


Btw,glad you weren't too affected by the storm.Up here in Toronto it rained for 3-4 days,but the sun broke through for a bit earlier.It was sad to see so many lives and communities affected.Take care Sad.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi Calvin. How are you doing today?


Gald youre doing good Sad.Me? not so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

:allhail:Sad, wow. I just found this thread and I cannot believe what I am reading.! It all makes so much sense now... the way you felt. He made you feel so much regret and guilt, while he was the one screwing somebody else behind your back. The way he acted like he just wanted to be 'alone'. No man wants to be alone....that's why they have such short shelve lives once separated. And than your utter bad-assness. When I was reading about your confrontation, I thought I was either reading an excerpt from a novel, or you had a mental breakdown. You are soooooo strong! Wow, it just makes me so happy to read all this (took me like and hour!). Stay strong and just the way you are. It's all clear now. I'm so glad your mental agony of limbo and not knowing has ended. Even though you might still be in a sort of a limbo, at least you know now. YOu get the motivations behind his actions and the whole game he was playing without you knowing. Now that you know there is a game, he will never get the ball past you. You will be a step ahead. Great. Great. Great. You have completely blown me away. I'm impressed with your guts and progress. My hat off to you Sad!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

So my son today was getting ready for trick or treating (moved to today because of the hurricane that hit us this past week and I pulled out these white under amour leggings of mine out of my dresser so he could put them on under his costume (his costume was white and he needed something to keep him warm as it was so cold out today). So in this drawer I have a plastic bag with a pair of boxing gloves in there. They are new and you really can smell the plastic bag they came in. So my son says oh that smells like the pink thing I found in dad's drawer looking for batteries. (this is common for him to always be going through batteries with his game controllers). So I said what pink thing. He says I don't know what it was but it vibrated like a massager. WTF!!! Had to be a sex toy he bought for her or used with her or something. I was livid my son found that at his place. I asked him if he touched it (who the hell knows if it was new or he actually used it with her). My son said no but then I was thinking how the hell would he know it vibrated then. I was mortified and told him to never go in his drawers again and not to touch that. Of course I got questions after that which is not fair as he didn't find it in my drawer. 

So tonight when he picked up ds to take trick or treating (I had to give out treats). I was just so disgusted with him. I can't stand to even look at him. I can't believe what a POS he turned into. I know it sounds like I am letting this bother me, but I honestly really don't give a crap about him any more.

TRT....I am finally moving on, I think. I've had two more dates with the police officer and I do really like him but I have made it clear that I am not looking for anything serious right now and I am feeling a bit bad as he has been showing signs that he really likes me (told me that) and it freaks me out a bit. I feel like a flusey, but I have two more dates next weekend....lol All are aware, of my situation and that I am just looking for friendship with someone special that could grow into more so I am really trying to keep a level head. My best date is going to be with my girlfriend Saturday as we are getting dressed up and going to see a local band. I am really looking forward to that. So little by little, you are right, I am finding myself.

Will write more tomorrow...I appreciate everyone's kind words but it is way past my bedtime...even for day light saving's time. 


Saying a special prayer for you Calvin.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Oh god Sad!! I'm sorry he found that.
Didnt the bonehead have enough sense to really hide it.....ugh.
Thanks for the prayer Sad,doing pretty good today,I have to let it go,not doing me and CSS any good.I feel lots better.
I do pray for you and others here on Tams every night befor I go to bed,list has gotton kinda long.
I've fallen asleep before in the middle of praying.
If I do,I finish in the morning. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> So my son says oh that smells like the pink thing I found in dad's drawer looking for batteries. (this is common for him to always be going through batteries with his game controllers).
> 
> I was just so disgusted with him. I can't stand to even look at him. I can't believe what a POS he turned into. I know it sounds like I am letting this bother me, but I honestly really don't give a crap about him any more.


Your ex had a sex toy hidden in a drawer and your son accidently found it when he was rummaging for batteries and because of that he's a disgusting POS?

We all use sex toys and we need a place to put them.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> Your ex had a sex toy hidden in a drawer and your son accidently found it when he was rummaging for batteries and because of that he's a disgusting POS?
> 
> We all use sex toys and we need a place to put them.


URGH!!!

I assume you did not read the thread before posting so I will summarize for ya.


No, he is a POS because he left a 22 year marriage without a reason only to drag me throught the dirt for over a year and a half to find out he was having a very dirty affair (Yes, I've seen many pictures of it and read letters.) with a POSW who we both knew for 15 years and hide it instead of coming clean leading me to find out about it days before we were suppose to meet up and talk about our relationship and I am left to be assulted with a gun by the POSW and yet he still keeps her at OUR place of business and keeps his toys he used with her despite it "supposedly" being over in his drawer for my innocent son to find and touch. For that reason he is a POS!!! It has nothing to do with him having "sex toys".


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> :allhail:Sad, wow. I just found this thread and I cannot believe what I am reading.! It all makes so much sense now... the way you felt. He made you feel so much regret and guilt, while he was the one screwing somebody else behind your back. The way he acted like he just wanted to be 'alone'. No man wants to be alone....that's why they have such short shelve lives once separated. And than your utter bad-assness. When I was reading about your confrontation, I thought I was either reading an excerpt from a novel, or you had a mental breakdown. You are soooooo strong! Wow, it just makes me so happy to read all this (took me like and hour!). Stay strong and just the way you are. It's all clear now. I'm so glad your mental agony of limbo and not knowing has ended. Even though you might still be in a sort of a limbo, at least you know now. YOu get the motivations behind his actions and the whole game he was playing without you knowing. Now that you know there is a game, he will never get the ball past you. You will be a step ahead. Great. Great. Great. You have completely blown me away. I'm impressed with your guts and progress. My hat off to you Sad!


 
I am so touched by this post. Thank you for the support. Love the emos....lol. It feels good to start moving on. You had been quite a help for a while a few months back with solid advice. I really appreciate it. I honestly think it has been the people on this site the most that have pushed me through this horrible time in my life (even more so than my therapist). Strong is an understatement and I am not referring to the assult incident but the whole emotional mess he put me through. I have learned to not give my power to him any longer. I hope others in the beginning on this board are able to do that as well. I remember reading over a post that really stand out to me and that is what dazedguy said to me. He made a statement to the affect (and I'd have to scroll back through to find his exact words) but basically it amazed him why someone like me would want him back after every thing he has done to me. That has been embedded in my brain now to the point that I have no desire to want him back.

What amazes me is how the guy in the UK said that there is no way a man has not had sex in 18 months and I defended my husband and swore up and down that he is a really good guy and I am the POS. 

How are you doing these days? What is your thread called? I remember your story but in all honesty I have been slow on here lately and haven't been up to date. I'd like to catch up on some of the regulars to see how they are.

Thanks again for the great support!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> That's great, sad!!!!!  I'm gonna dance in celebration for you (playing my xbox game currently)
> 
> How are things going other than not giving a rats @ss about him??


 
 Love that last sentence!!! It feels great to do anything and everything and just notgive a rats @ss even if it is sweeping the house or doing dishes. 

I have been really continuing to work on me and the co dependency issues through therapy and reading and practicing what I am learning. I am exercising a lot and job hunting so I have been non stop busy. I've been really active in my son's hockey too which is nice as i feel I missed his whole season last year being in a depressed fog.

Were you playing "Let's Dance"? I have that one. Great exercise! Thanks for the dance....wish I could have seen it...lol 

How are you doing? How is the switch over with the house coming a long? Will you be able to protect yourself legally enough?

How are you doing emotionally? Are you still job hunting for a new job?

Thinking of you and saying a special prayer for you tonight. I believe God has helped me tremendously and now I ask that he helps others on here.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Dazedguy. How are you? What have you been doing? Are you handling things ok as your divorce is being processed.

Thinking of you too and saying a prayer for you. I believe God brings people into our lives for reasons and I believe you've been a huge help for me as part of his doing.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi TBT!

Great hockey weekend!

My son scored the winning goal today against the first place ranked team in our division! Woohoo!!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Love that last sentence!!! It feels great to do anything and everything and just notgive a rats @ss even if it is sweeping the house or doing dishes.
> 
> I have been really continuing to work on me and the co dependency issues through therapy and reading and practicing what I am learning. I am exercising a lot and job hunting so I have been non stop busy. I've been really active in my son's hockey too which is nice as i feel I missed his whole season last year being in a depressed fog.
> 
> ...


Hi Sad!

Sounds like you are doing very good for yourself. Your posts tonight are from a completely different woman even from a month ago. You should be extremely proud of yourself how far you have come. Sure, it may have taken 2 years, but that was before you knew the truth. I am so glad that the truth (although extremely horrible) has liberated you!!!

No, I play Dance Central for the xbox Kinect. No controllers, only body movement. I have all 3 games but #2 and #3 are by far the best. I love all that pop/r&b crap to dance to. I am a rock girl at heart but to dance...give me Usher, Pitbull, JLo...all that crap! 

I have no idea about the house. I have a Judgement of Divorce written up with the terms. Thats about it. I really have no agreement with the ex and he refuses to talk or see me about anything. I don't even know if he is still living at the house. He could be living somewhere else with his fiance for all I know. I really don't care. And at this point, I really could care less about the house and my credit. I know that is probably a piss poor attitude, but I really don't care. There is nothing I can do to protect myself and I have just accepted that. My Ex is a PATHETIC man boy who cannot even be man enough to be responsible about a house that he has with his legal wife. Instead he would rather run away, get engaged and then be MAD AND HATE ME for who knows what. B/c I left? B/c I wouldn't take him back when he broke into my house begging me to take him back? I don't know. I'm trying not to analyze anything he texts or emails me. I haven't spoken to him since the end of Sept and he got engaged shortly after that. I feel sorry for the girl, she has no idea what she is in for. And I feel sorry for him. So sorry for him. He cannot even be single enough to work on himself and his mental/emotional well being. A part of me does still care about him and just wants what is best....I don't think that includes getting engaged only 3 months after his wife moves out and before he is legally divorced. But, its not my life, I'm not involved....SO GOOD LUCK STBXH!!!!!!

I emailed his ex wife regarding insurance for his kids (yes, they are on my health insurance). I wanted to let her know it was going to be cancelled so she wouldn't be blindsided when she took them to the doctors. She was very nice and wished me luck and sent me prayers through this difficult situation. I was shocked. I mean, I am the OW to her(yes, I have learned my lesson...trust me) and we have never had cordial interaction. She very much appriciated me letting her know. I know STBXH has never communicated well with her so I am glad I sent the email. But then, it makes me wonder if he isn't really seeing his kids again. He mentioned his class schedule changed to Fridays/Saturdays and those are the ONLY days he has the kids...it makes me sick, sad, angry, and ashamed at the same time. Why did I marry someone who has so little regard for others, especially HIS OWN FRICKEN KIDS?? Oh and I realize, how he treats ex wife #1 is the same attitude he is now getting with me...and he is now on his way to ex wife #3 

Well emotionally I feel I have come leaps and bounds. I changed my name on FB back to my maiden name and I know that seems very small and trival, but holy crap has it really helped me out. I figure, if he's engaged, I don't have to keep his last name. So I have changed it on everything that isn't legally tied to something. I am taking a trip in Feb to Cancun and already bought my plane tickets to can't legally change it until at least then...ugh...a little depressing so the FB/Email name update really has lifted my spirits. My friends keep saying "its about time" when they see the change...lol 

I have been talking to someone and that helps treamendously too. We just "click" and while we are both very interested in each other, long distance makes it impossible to meet at the moment. But that is for the best. We understand we both need to take things slow and we are both trying to not have any expectations of anything. He knows I need time to work on me and not ready for anything "serious". Now, that doesn't mean we won't get together in the near future if things keep going as good as they are. He is a very very special friend and we are just really connecting and enjoying each others company. 

Wow, this turned into quite the long post. Guess I needed to get some stuff out... 

Thanks for asking how I am doing, Sad


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi TBT!
> 
> Great hockey weekend!
> 
> My son scored the winning goal today against the first place ranked team in our division! Woohoo!!!


:smthumbup:That's terrific! I'm sure he's on cloud nine....there's nothing like pushing through against the odds.Hope you did a little celebrating!


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Dazedguy. How are you? What have you been doing? Are you handling things ok as your divorce is being processed.
> 
> Thinking of you too and saying a prayer for you. I believe God brings people into our lives for reasons and I believe you've been a huge help for me as part of his doing.


Hey Sad. I've been checking in on your thread and I must say, I am really proud of where you are now! You and your son will be ok! You are kind for thinking about me. I appreciate it very much. 

I have sent in the signed divorce papers after the 90 day waiting period for my state. Should be finalized any day now. I found out the wife has been sleeping with multiple guys for the last 2 years while I've been trying to understand what I did and how to save out marriage - so that was hard.

You and I, I think, have both suffered needlessly by choosing to hold onto an image we had of our spouse's when the reality (their actions) didn't match that image. I've let go and so have you. 

Time to reset, with a much better understanding of who we are and what's important, and live our lives to their fullest. 

I've listed the house too. Ready to turn the page. Excited about what's next. 

Take care of yourself Gloria. God bless you.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hey Sad yesterday the engineer and I went ice skating and while we were waiting we watched the kids playing hockey, it made me think of you and your son and how far you have come. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Sad! Hope you are having fun and enjoying time with your son!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Vacation and taking some time off of Tams.
Good deal Sad,hope all is well.
You and your son enjoy! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Sad! Just saying hi. Hoping everything is going well for you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

hope all is well sad,wish you'd check in a little.
I really hope youre still on vacation with your son and having a blast.
Prayers for you Sad.
And about 50 others on here at tams everynight.
I pray quick but I do pray.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Everyone

Overall i am doing ok. Still trying to get my life together. I've been getting out more so that has been good for me. 

I am a bit down this weekend....missing being a family....but it is what it is and i can't change that. I still feel blindsided by what my relationship of 22 years transpired into. 

I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday
My son plays in a championship game today for a big Turkeyday Hockey Tournament this weekend. I am hoping for the trophy. 

Take care everyone....let me know how all of you are doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Glad to hear from you again Sad,hope all is well with you.
You get us worried when you dont check in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Sad!!!! 

Hope you are doing well. I am doing good, divorce will be final tomorrow which is good for the ex since he is getting married on Dec 26!  Craziness. Glad I'm no longer a part of his madness.

Hope you can update soon. Been thinking about you. Any news on the divorce front with your wonderful WS?


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey VI---our 'divorce dates' are almost the same. Mine will be official on Friday. wow.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Mine was official last month. Happy Holidays! 

Crazy about the ex getting married again the same month. I don't think I'll get married again this decade. Oh well, I guess I'm slow.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

jpr said:


> Hey VI---our 'divorce dates' are almost the same. Mine will be official on Friday. wow.


How do you know that? Even if you've got a court date that isn't delayed, canceled, adjourned, etc; you don't know that everything will be final and even if it is it takes time for the court to stamp all the papers and send them out.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> How do you know that? Even if you've got a court date that isn't delayed, canceled, adjourned, etc; you don't know that everything will be final and even if it is it takes time for the court to stamp all the papers and send them out.


My ex already signed off on the judgment. It was efiled today. He is in default anyways and doesn't have a lawyer so tomorrow is just for the judge to grant it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sad,haven't seen you around in awhile....hope that means everything is going well.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Merry Christmas Sas,hope all is well.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Thinking about you all tonight. I hope the next year is far better than the last. May we all take what we have learned and apply it to better lives beginning next year!

Happy early new year!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Happy New year Sas.... 
Sad that is,God almost did it again.
Pray all is well with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Happy New Year Sad!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. Very much appreciated. Haven't been on here much....mainly it hurts to know so many people go through all this suffering. I stopped by today because I've been feeling really down lately. Could just be all the stress with the marriage ending and the holidays combined. I don't cry really at all anymore so I suppose I've made huge strides. I don't miss him either but rather what use to be and when I really think about it, I'm not sure why because now I know it wasn't as perfect at all as I thought it was. I just suppose it was better than what has become. I still find myself feeling really guilty about the things I have done and I know that is silly compared to what he did but I am who I am. 

I continue to work on all the codependency issues I learned from all of you. I stop often to think about what I want before I make decisions and although I still don't always do what I want, I have learned to at least consider my own feelings on things if that makes sense. 

The divorce has not been finalized yet and mainly it is because I have dragged my feet a bit but only for my own financial gain. However, I plan on finalizing things pretty soon. I've been spending my time brushing up on things to better myself in my own career and have had a couple job offers. I put things on hold a bit over the holidays as I was just feeling really stressed and overwhelmed with too many things at once. He continues to be good to us financially but my attorney says he has to based on all the information she has. Something that continues to puzzle me is that he got me (from my son) a very nice and expensive gift for Christmas. Maybe guilt on his part, I don't know. I try not to care.

He seems to be contacting my son much more than the past 2 years lately so I suppose that is good but I can't help secretly thinking that I hope he just realizes he messed up, but deep down I know he would never admit that. I don't even think he'd admit it to himself.

I've gone out on a few dates with a few different guys on my weekends without my son. Although, in all honesty, I have not enjoyed doing so. I've seen the police officer a lot more recently and although he has become a good friend, I just haven't been able to open my heart enough for more. He has taken a big liking to me so it scares me bit. It is quite strange being treated so much more respectfully than I ever have. 

How is everyone? I read that both Dazedguy an VABride, your divorces have been finalized? IDoes it make it any easier on you mentally? I pray it has brought you both some peace and closure. 

I hope you all had enjoyable holidays. Calvin...thanks for the continuing to check on me. It means a lot to me. I hope you and CSS are ding well.

Hey TBT...no NHL stinks but I've been following the ECHL here and it's been kind of fun. My son and I traveled two hours New Years Eve to see a game...lots of fun.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its great to hear from you Sad.
What you going through would be a challeng for even the strongest to go through.
You do deserve to be treated with respect and you will.
Me and CSs are doing ok,eleven months out and I still struggle sometimes.
Take care Sad...Happy New Year,its got to be better than last year for a lot of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

So good to see your update Sad.I think it's to be expected that you would feel a little glum and down from time to time given the situation.These things are never easy,but by your post it sounds like that even though you're having a few down moments you're still moving forward in a positive way.This is a far cry from where you used to be,so good for you and keep at it.Take care of yourself Sad and I hope the new year brings you all you need to find peace and happiness in your life.

Btw,what about the world juniors!? Your guys destroyed us! Ah well,next time.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Hey Sad. Yes being two months on the other side of divorce, I do think it helps. At least it helps me. When I was married I was constantly - consciously and subconsciously - in save the marriage mode. Constantly running through scenarios and possible outcomes in my head. It was exhausting, depressing, and utterly futile. Now that it is officially over my mindset has changed. Now I find myself using that time and energy to explore the reasons the marriage didn't work and wouldn't have worked and the flags I should have both seen and reacted to. The place I am in now isn't all flowers and sunshine, but I don't feel as exhausted working so hard at something impossible, and I feel like what I am doing now will help me not make the same mistakes again in the future. And that's a hopeful feeling. 

Looking forward.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi. Its good to hear from you all.

I'm sorry Dazedguy but i am happy you seem to be making some progress for yourself. It makes sense what you are saying. I did the exact same thing. I hope this message finds you doing better.

TBT....I'm in Niagara Falls this weekend with my son for a hockey tournament. We played and were murdered by a team North of Toronto. Quite interesting though as they are staying in the same hotel and the boys all got together for the night to play knee hockey. Tough game for the Pens the other night... . Hope u are well.

Thinking of you Calvin...hope you and CSS are doing well????

VI Bride. Are you doing ok Dear? I miss talking with you. I actually popped on here tonight as i was thinking about you and what you would say to me regarding some things i still struggle with. I know what my stbxh did to me was so crappy and how he treated me but i still struggle with detachment issues. Dont get me wrong...i don't want him back. I just struggle with wondering what he's doing and thinking. I just wish he still didnt control me so much. I want to just go a whole day and not think one thought of him. 

I continue to work on some of the codependency issues. I still struggle with this alot.

I do hope you are taking good care of yourself VI.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Great to hear from you Sad!!
Me and CSS are doing great,we're celebrating D-day anniversary and making spaghetti sauce for my Moms B day tomorrow.
Its great to hear from you.
I hope all is well.
Youre missed Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just wanted to jump on here and say hi Sad before you disappeared again. Haven't been to the Falls in a while,but with the weather we're having they must not be too iced up yet.Don't you just love tournaments? Knee hockey eh...boys never stop competing.Sorry your team was murdered,but I hope your son is having a great time.

If you don't mind me commenting on your remarks to VI.It's okay you know that you think and wonder about your stbx from time to time.You spent many years together so its to be expected.As they say Rome wasn't built in a day.As the years go by you'll still think about him,but the emotional attachment will become less and less.

Be good to yourself Sad and I hope your son's team kicks some butt next game,even if its Canadian. You're a good woman and you and your boy are going to have a good life.Keep us updated please.'Til then,be well Sad.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

An update would be nice Sad,hope alls well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Sad - how are you?

I just got back from Mexico and had such a fabulous time

OMG   

Hope you are doing well. I always look for an update from you.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Sounds like somebody had a great vacation! Great time of year to go to Mexico!


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I usually stay in Cancun or Los Cabos but I haven't been in five years because I worry about the violence. It's a great place to vacation. Love the food and the people. 

Where'd you stay?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Tactic?*



dazedguy said:


> I usually stay in Cancun or Los Cabos but I haven't been in five years because I worry about the violence. It's a great place to vacation. Love the food and the people.
> 
> Where'd you stay?


Riviera Maya, at an all inclusive. It was awesome. Spent some time in Playa del Carmen. Just such a great trip and I met someone. So that is icing on the cake.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

That's fantastic to hear! Guess I need to go to MX to meet someone too!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Tactic?*



dazedguy said:


> That's fantastic to hear! Guess I need to go to MX to meet someone too!


I picked MX for a reason, lol it wasn't a random meeting

But I'm sure plenty of randoms can happen down there!!!! Lol


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Oh my mistake 

I'm glad you've found someone and life is turning around for you vi. You deserve some happiness.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hello. I was checking in here to see how all of you were getting along. 

How's your new relationship VI? 

I'd like to say I have this whole new wonderful life but truth is I'm still struggling in a lot of areas. It's just really hard starting a new life over after 22 years....especially when all of your adult life, you were married.  

I'm still seeing the police officer. I have not made the relationship known mainly out of respect for my son. I'm not sure where it will go. He treats me really well and I enjoy his company but its been almost 7 months and I dont feel love for him. I thought by know I'd feel more. I talked to my therapist yesterday about this as I just don't understand why as this man adores me. He communicates well and will do anything to spend time with me. I know he would be trustworthy and I don't feel as I'd question his love for me so why the hell can't I move on? The only thing is im not 100% attracted to him. I never found myself to be shallow and i dont tfully think that is what is holding me back. The therapist said because I still love my stbxh. 

I must be the stupidist thick women alive. Do I not have self respect? I wish I could figure it out. So here I am revisiting the Codependency No More Book. I am going to reread it.

I hope you all are doing well. I think about some of you on here often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad!!
Its great to finally hear from you,don't say you are stupid,that's far from the truth,you're a wonderful lady who went through a lot.
Give yourself some credit,you're doing a good job with your boy and you have handled things well under a lot of pressure.
Don't settle for a man you're not sure of,take your time,there are plenty of men out there who will treat you like you should be treated.
So good to hear from you again,was getting a little worried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sad,thanks for letting us know how you're doing.You know I've met my fair share of girls/women over the course of my life who have cared for me more than I cared for them.They were all for the most part great gals,but I couldn't make myself feel something that wasn't there because of that.I hope you don't end up feeling guilty because of the time investment if you can't love this person.We just don't love everyone we meet simply because they fit an ideal,and as far as I'm concerned you don't have to be in love with your stbx as a reason not to be in love with this new guy.

Don't settle out of guilt or feeling there's something wrong with you.You've been in love,you know what it feels like...just remember that and trust yourself.Give yourself the time YOU need and take care of yourself and your son.Wishing you well and take care Sad...you'll make it.

Btw,it was tough about Sydney Crosby.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hello. I was checking in here to see how all of you were getting along.
> 
> How's your new relationship VI?
> 
> ...


Sad,

Either you are not ready - or he's not attractive to you.

It happens.

I think it's more difficult for women to find that animal attraction than it is for men.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Sad...

Thanks for checking in. I was just thinking of you...for real! 


I am sorry that you are struggling. It is tough. You were with your ex-husband for a loooong time. It is really hard to let all those years and feelings and emotions go. It sounds like you are very aware and working on this. 

....I find dating tough. I kept having to remind myself that I shouldn't expect the same connection that I once had with Sasquatch with another man right away. I am much older now than I was when I met Sasquatch...and I find other things attractive in a man....actually, I never found Sasquatch particularly attractive. ..but, I was in loooove with him...which made me find him irresistible. 

For me, attraction takes time. I am finding that I really don't have a physical type...I am seeking much more. ...an emotional connection. But, I am also so guarded, it is hard for me to give myself fully....which is preventing me from forming that emotional connection that I seek. ...this is not easy, Sad. ....and it definitely takes time. 



About the policeman...have you met his friends? has he met yours? It helps me when I meet the guy's friends and family. ...it helps me build a more accurate picture of who they are and what they are about. ....or maybe just ask the policeman for a little break?...so you can sort out your head? ...figure out what you want? 

:scratchhead:

I don't know. I shouldn't be giving advice in this area. My dating life is a mess.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hey Sad it is nice to hear from you. sorry things are not working with the police officer, but if he is not the right guy for you their are a lot of great men out there. Take your time there is no rush.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Tactic?*



sadwithouthim said:


> Hello. I was checking in here to see how all of you were getting along.
> 
> How's your new relationship VI?
> 
> ...


HI SAD!!!!!! Glad you were able to check in. There are alot of people here who miss you and want to make sure you are doing ok 

New relationship is and will be going slow for a little bit. It will be long distance for a few more months until he comes back to the states. Have been talking for almost 9 months now. We have always just "clicked" and enjoyed who each other was right from the beginning. Found a great friend and you know, men and women cannot remain "just friends" so things just started to evolve. And after finally meeting and spending time together, it was just extremely refreshing that everyting him and I portrayed online was and is who we are. No games, no lies, no b.s.....just two people who get along and enjoy each other. I actually just booked another trip to go down to visit him again for a week at the end of May.  So far so good....although missing physically spending time with him has really started to be an issue since the trip.....and I am not just meaning sexually....LOL. I'm a little over 2 months away from living by myself for a year now and I feel I am ready for someone in my life. 

Sorry to hear you are not feeling it with the policeman. But please do not beat yourself up or call yourself stupid. Just b/c you don't feel an attraction toward him doesn't make you dumb at all. Some reason, you don't feel it with him. Be it an emotional connection or physical attraction...you just DON'T FEEL IT. And that is ok. The truth is, I was never crazy about my ex. Not really attracted to him. But I should have been. Very fit, very in shape, good looking guy. Never did I desire him. Never did I crave him. Yeah the sex was ok I guess but we never had that emotional connection that was just like "wow. I feel so safe with you I can tell you anything my heart desires". So it was routine most of the time. I now look back and see that I should have paid attention more to the lack of attraction that I felt towards him. My ex bf before him was probably about the homliest person I have ever dated. But I can honestly say that I was more attracted to him than my exH. I almost feel stupid for not being so raw with desire for my exH....I mean....he was a "stud". I just never felt it with him. In fact, I feel so much more desire with my new guy than I have in any other previous relationship. I'm physically attracted to him very much and he makes me feel so safe emotionally and really appriciates who I am as a person. My exHs attitude towards who I was as a person killed any kind of desire I could muster up. I mean, what is the point of being a good looking guy if you are just going to be a jerk? Anyways, I guess my point is, don't discount the unattractiveness you feel towards the policeman. It is your inner self saying something is not right. 

How are things going with the divorce? Any court dates or anything? Thanks for the update, Sad


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Been awhile Sad...hope things are better.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad - how are you doing?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Bumpy bump bump!

How are you Sad? Hope things are going well in your life. Hope you get a chance to update soon.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Hi Sad, Thinking about you and hoping life is much, much better for you!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Merry Christmas Sad,I hope things are good with you.
God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Happy New Year, sad!

I hope you have been away from TAM b/c your life is really going well. Update if you can, would love to hear from you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Happy New Year, sad!
> 
> I hope you have been away from TAM b/c your life is really going well. Update if you can, would love to hear from you.


Same here.

Happy New Year,swh!


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