# Verbal abuse



## marriages (Jul 4, 2009)

I need to vent off my anger, etc...somewhere and this is the only place i guess.

My husband is always out of town due to his work. I have absolute trust in him that he will be faithful to me like I am to him. 

Our problem arises when he gets me to do certain things for him, it can be anything like banking issues, etc... I dont know why whenever he instruct me to do something I always screw it up.

I have no problem with other people even my bosses, etc..o
Was it his instruction is not clear?
Was it the distraction from the overseas call, sometimes its just not clear. 
Or was it me?

I admit and always apologise to him about the screw up if any.

But regardless of whether the matter is serious or trivial, what I get from him is countless of verbal abuse.
He will start hurling vulgar language at me.

VERY VULGAR LANGUAGE.

I have told him again and again that this is verbal abuse and I hope that he can stop doing it, it is causing me to feel very inferior.

He will apologise but the next time it will happen again and again and again.

I told him that I cannot carry on with a relationship like that and want him to think thru seriously about this relationship.

We are renovating our house now and yes he paid for the house and is always bugging me that I pay so little I should not be entitled to 50% of the ownership of the house.

From the day I knew him I know that his priority is always money. 

So when I ask him to seriously think thru our marriage, I told him that I will not take a single cent more of the house except for the money that I have put in.

He said Im threatening him.

Ladies, if your husband is constantly abusing u verbally can u take it?

What should I do? Im going crazy!!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

marriages said:


> Ladies, if your husband is constantly abusing u verbally can u take it?


no you cant take it. it'll rip you down. my h used to get on me about things i didnt do well enough for him. he never verbally abused me, but through little temper tantrums and nit-picked at me. once i accidently turned his white shirts pink and he slammed down the washing machine and stormed off to his room. if i tried to make him dinner he'd always tell me i did something wrong. so i cant remember the last time i did his laundry or cooked him dinner. He also doesnt think im competent enough to handle finances, which really ticks me off. he's over drafted his account a couple times, i have never over drafted. my credit score is better then his. i try to let that one go, but it does bother me. 

anyway, you cant stay in that environment and think you can withstand what he's doing to you emotionally. if he wont stop, you'll have to leave. but remember that you attracted someone like him. there is something in your personality that asked for this. if you leave, make sure you work on yourself and change so you dont end up attracting someone else just like him.


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## marriages (Jul 4, 2009)

Thank you Blanca...

I really appreciate your reply.

I want the marriage to work. I'm not as good as him when it comes to managing of money.

There is this saying...broken vase once mended it will never be the same again.

On certain occasion he is very nice to me, but whenever he hurled verbal abuse at me... no matter how much he apologise, I cannot forget.

I'm doing my best here without him.
He expects me to be able to handle very well without him, told me to be independent.

We are together for 6 years already. Ever since I know him, he is constantly flying.

I really want him to be able to settle down with me and not having to fly. I dont care if his current pay now is very high, I want him to be with me.

He cannot understand that. He felt that cos I am not earning a lot which is to me average pay, so he got to earn a lot. I used to be a very confident woman, in front of anyone. But I felt so inferior when I'm with him. Very useless.

Because of his constant flying, every time he comes back he needs to adjust to time differences and that causes a lot of problems.

Eg: He is 99% always late for appointment. And I cannot even complain. If I do he starts to get angry.

Because he is tired, it affects our sex life too. I can safely say that its been at least 3 years since we have sex. How abnormal!

When I talk about separation to end this agony, he said i threaten him and start to ask me to forgive him and forget about everything.

I really hope that when the time comes that I dont want this marriage, he can let me go.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Don't give him a "way out" because he is the bread-winner. I am sure you have ways of equally contributing to this marriage. Verbal abuse/emotional abuse is EXTREMELY scarring. There have been times that I wish I had just been physically hit by my husband...so I would have a bruise to point to and say "this is why I am leaving." Verbal/emotional abuse is very subtle and often overlooked or tolerated. It will destroy your spirit slowly. Don't accept any such behavior from him. 

Of course, you have a hard time doing his errands...because you know that regardless of what happens, he is going to cuss you out. Completely inappropriate...I bet he doesn't talk to his boss like that, and you are supposed to be his lover/best friend/confidant.


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## MrsFarris (Dec 11, 2009)

I know about verbal abuse. Sometimes I wish that my husband would swear and be obvious instead of what he does. He is very abusive, but in a passive aggressive way. He uses rhetorical questions and coded or suggestive language to be rude indirectly. You know when someone will say something to you that isn't a clear insult but that is rude or hurts and that you know he is saying to hurt you? For example... my husband has been being neglectful and not treating me well. It has been making me depressed. So I sat him down and talked to him, telling him how he is making me feel and how I have had issues in the past with depression and I feel like he is triggering it. Well since I confided in him he has been using it as a weapon. He will do something to hurt me and I will try to talk to him about is, ex: "you know when you ignore me like that it hurts me feelings" and then he will say something like "what were those pills you were going to get on again?"- referencing the antidepressants I had talked to him about, as if to say that I should just take pills to be happy in our relationship because my unhappiness is all in my head and is my fault, not because of anything he should be doing differently. 

That is just an example but he does it all the time, and it really tears me down. The least he could do is be forward with me if he wants to try and hurt me! The way he goes about it makes me feel really weak and prevents me from considering leaving him. 

I didn't even realize that he did it until I went to a counselor and told her about how things had been, she told me, "it seems like your husband is very verbally abusive". The lightbulb went off! I knew how I was hurting so much! But it almost made things worse, because now that I see right through it it seems to only hurt me more. 

Its very hard to be with someone who does and says things to you that you would never do or say to them. Its not only hard, its not fair.


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## MrsFarris (Dec 11, 2009)

larniegrl said:


> Verbal abuse/emotional abuse is EXTREMELY scarring. There have been times that I wish I had just been physically hit by my husband...so I would have a bruise to point to and say "this is why I am leaving." Verbal/emotional abuse is very subtle and often overlooked or tolerated. It will destroy your spirit slowly.


I know how you feel! my husband is verbally abusive in passive aggressive ways and it makes it so hard to explain to others about my pain! I would take a beating any day over this, at least then I would be able to point out what was wrong and have proof of how he treats me- We live away from any family/friends and I never have any proof of how bad he treats me b/c he puts on a front whenever we aren't alone!!! I feel so trapped, and what makes it worse is that he totally financially supports me right now, which just makes it harder for me to leave and makes him feel all the more entitled to treating me however he wants.


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