# taking time off work, H does not agree



## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

FYI, I am a 45 yo woman. I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years, and we have 3 kids, 19, 17 and 12. The younger two still live at home. 

This weekend, I took Friday and Monday off work. My reasons are:

1.	Summer vacation is almost over, and I want to spend some time having fun with my daughters.
2.	I want to organize the house and get things fixed up before school begins
3.	I had dr appointment and middle school open house during the day on Friday	
4.	I am starting a demanding program (back to school for rn degree) on Thursday and just wanted to enjoy life a little before that began.

My husband is pissed off that I took those days off. He is very demanding that I work as much as I can, to the point that if I need to go to something for the kids he wants me to drive to work for a half-day and I work an hour from home. I always acquiesced to his demands in previous years, but this made me feel angry and resentful that I got so much flak for wanting time off work. I have probably not had an entire week off work in 3-4 years. 

In previous years, my husband had a failing small business and we had big money problems. We spent an inheritance from my grandmother trying to keep his business going. He now has a decent job. I will be cutting my work hours back to about 20 when I go to the rn program. His opinion is that seeing as I am going to be making less I should have spent this whole summer working every hour I could to make more money. However, he has made absolutely no changes to his spending habits. In fact, he is out of town this weekend at a recreational event with friends, which is something he does every other weekend. 

I understand that sometimes his views on things are self centered and unreasonable. I am working on being more independent, because I used to turn myself into a pretzel to please him and he was very hard to please and this was really hard on me. Our bills are paid, I have money saved for my program. We should be able to weather this period in our lives without debt. Am I wrong for taking these days off? I don’t think so but I am now feeling bad/guilty. What do you think?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Geez, take the days off. The reasons make sense.

He's not your father.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I am doing it! It is a brave new world of putting what I want first. But old habits die hard and I catch myself thinking, oh, maybe I could just go in for a few hours on Monday....

I wish I could get rid of these old habits of thinking.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can get rid of them. Push them away when they surface. 

You are about to enter a tough program. It will be tougher if the old habits don't fade away.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I take it from your des description that you have no paid days off with your current job. Some people, like your hubby, get focused on money when there have been tough times. IMHO now that $ is not so tight, he needs to loosen up a little. Time with kids can never be replaced. Time on the clock can.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

That is how I feel too - that the time with the kids is precious. My husband has time to spend with them during the day but he usually chooses to pursue his hobby. I am the one that takes them shopping, to friends, for day trips, etc.

There is also the issue that my husband is a big spender and he was not entirely enthusiastic about my going back to school, because how it might effect him. He is only about 65% on board. Meaning its okay with him as long as he doesn't have to sacrifice or pickup any extra responsibities. The only reason he approves is that he thinks my current workplace might go out of business.

He is trying to make me feel guilty and I have to resist.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

He going to his "Play Weekend" is just as damaging to your financial situation as your taking a copule of days off. Take them...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I do think you should take the time off.

But I also think you're not dealing with the real problems.

C


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

I worked as maintenance assistant for public housing a few summers when I was in high school. One year, I was assigned to the assisted living building (where old people with nothing go to die....). One of the guys pulled me aside one day and told me to look around. There wasn't a single person there that wished they had just worked a few more hours. They all complained on how they wished they spent more time with their kids, or travelled to a certain location, etc.

Really framed my perspective. You can always make more money - you can never get more time...... BTW - I work 12 hour days so that my wife doesn't haven't to work and can be there for our children. Money isn't everything.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Take the time off and try not to feel guilty about it because there is nothing to feel guilty about. You haven't had a week off in three years? If anything, your hubs should be encouraging a two week staycation.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

A lot of people are probably thinking in terms of vacation days or flex time that is earned working full time for a corporation where your paycheck is the same after taking a few days. In this example it seems like she works hourly so taking two days off could cost hundreds they rely on to pay bills, the mortgage etc...

If taking days off and losing that pay is costing bills to go unpaid then your husband has a point being upset with you taking leisurely summer days off. I worked hourly as a consultant for two and a half years which had no vacation, if I was sick I didn't get paid, if I wanted a vacation I didn't get paid. I didn't take one day off that entire two and half year period, I went to work, sick, tired, mentally exhausted, didn't matter I was getting paid. With a full time job with vacation benefits it's different.

Your husband is supporting your going back to school at 45 and cutting your work hours drastically, most woman (or men) do not have that luxury once entrenched in life. Yes he may get frustrated at times, but it's because his world is getting turned upside down while you pursue your dream, cut him some slack.

As for the spending on "his hobbies" I get the same from my wife, my hobbies include motorcycles (sold my last one to pay for her school debts), watches (only own three non-Swiss watches), and fiddle (I own one $400 fiddle). This is literally everything I own, she owns more in boots, purses, and shoes bought in the last year than I've purchased in the past decade. If there's a Christening coming up, well $150 for a dress, $85.00 for a pair of shoes (she'll never wear again), possibly a clutch or purse ($50-$200), and accessories ($50.00). I have A LOT of cousins and A LOT of weddings, christenings etc... Women typically underestimate what they spend money on, and exaggerate what their husbands spend it on.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

cuchulain36 said:


> A lot of people are probably thinking in terms of vacation days or flex time that is earned working full time for a corporation where your paycheck is the same after taking a few days. In this example it seems like she works hourly so taking two days off could cost hundreds they rely on to pay bills, the mortgage etc...
> 
> If taking days off and losing that pay is costing bills to go unpaid then your husband has a point being upset with you taking leisurely summer days off. I worked hourly as a consultant for two and a half years which had no vacation, if I was sick I didn't get paid, if I wanted a vacation I didn't get paid. I didn't take one day off that entire two and half year period, I went to work, sick, tired, mentally exhausted, didn't matter I was getting paid. With a full time job with vacation benefits it's different.
> 
> ...



The OP said the bills are paid and she has enough money to pay for her program and they are at a place where debt is not a problem. Ease up Scrooge. And your glittering generalities that women typically underestimate what they spend are merely one man's opinion, hardly fact. I pity your wife.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

this past weekend, i driving into home depot and i was searching for a parking space, i slowed down to allow a father walking to the car with his daughter holding his hand, he looked at me as to nob thank you, but i stared at him and her and i bursted out in tears realizing that was me years ago with my daughter, all of my girls are in college in school far away. I tell every father i run into to spend every moment you can with your kids because they will not be kids forever....good for you to take time to spend it with them....it will pay dividends of memories you will always have and he won't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I WAS married to someone else. If you find yourself thinking about all the negative consequences of doing something reasonable (like taking time off from your job to take care of other priorities in your life, without being irresponsible...) and have your H's words and actions in your head, and base your decisions on avoiding conflict with him, that's a huge issue. Life should not be that complex/complicated. You should not have to censor your every thought in a relationship. It should be a very rare and limited circumstance that you are censoring thoughts and reasonable actions.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I have a very strong desire to do as he says to avoid conflict with him. But I have realized through our marriage that he puts his needs and desires first. Way in front of mine or the kids. And I will wind up resenting the hell out of him if I do as he wants and not what I want. But his guilt trips make me second guess myself and wonder if I am being wrong to demand anything for myself. I try to look at the situation as an outsider to keep my head straight.

Fyi, my husbands hobby is dirt bikes. He spends at least a hundred-fifty a week on races and gas 8 months out of the year. Probably $1000 on parts every year. And he buys a new bike for himself and our son every other year. He did this even when we were having terrible financial problems. He had our son lie to me about his purchases and hid them on credit cards sent to his store Address. I do not spend that kind of money, ever on anything. And my daughters have never had a simIlar amount spent on them either.

I feel often that if my schooling affect his dirtbiking he will insist I quit. That is when the fur will fly. I need a real job to help my kids through college and save for retirement. I am afraid he will not see beyond the hardships of the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long will your schooling be?


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

It's going to be 2 yrs for an rn. Community college. Cheap as possible! I took all the pre reqs while working and it's taken me 3 years to get to this point.

Rn degree is cheaper than 1 dirt bike.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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