# Decided to Seperate, but wife is manipulating



## Jimmy2004 (Aug 14, 2014)

I've made several post before, however I have finally got the guts to stand up and make the seperation decision, however I have some issues. 

The set off point, was the other morning when declared she was going to quit her job, and I said "if you quit, you know what we have to do financially" She got pissed and physically attacked me.

Although it didn't result any injury, this is the 3rd time in a year she has gone into crazy hit mode, and I told myself after the 2nd she attacked that a 3rd would not be tolerated. She has many issues and her job is just one of them. I have problems with her not being intimate, no cooking or cleaning and not helping with bills. She blames me for taking sides with my mom and not standing up for her. I only stand up for what is right and she is holding on to a 2.5 year grudge that was resolved with my mother,

So after the 3rd attack, I told her I was done and I grabbed my keys and left for work. I came home after work, packed a bag, and told her i was staying at my folks. My life has been hell ever since.
and she continuing the argument.

Her arguments consist of constant manipulation and guilt trips. I was trying to stand tall, but its starting to wear on me. What to do?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get a lawyer and a VAR. Consider moving back into your house, but talk to the lawyer about it. Remove all firearms from the house if you go back there. Learn to STFU with your wife. There is no need to discuss anything other than related to the divorce process.

Be prepared for her to call 911 and report you having hit her. This is why you need the VAR. Even if you are in a 2-party state, I would record without her knowledge for self protection. Or, tell her one time you will be recording all interactions with her from now on, and get her verbal acknowledgement. If she starts hitting you, state clearly what she is doing and ask her to stop. "You're hitting me. Please stop now". If she blocks you from leaving a room, state that she is blocking you, say you want to leave, and ask her to move aside.

If the police show up, never admit to touching her. Even if she struck you first and all you did was push past her to leave the room, it is you who will likely go to jail and end up with an arrest record.

Do everything you can to protect yourself legally and physically.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Jimmy2004...what is your living situation? Apartment? House?

She sounds abusive and willing to play the "he hit me" card so be very careful.


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## Jimmy2004 (Aug 14, 2014)

We rent a townhome, now let me clarify, I'm not worried about the hitting thing, she admitted that it was wrong. I'm looking for advice on fighting the manipulation and holding through what I need to do. The physical thing was just the last straw. 

She wants me to go to counciling although I truely believe it won't help. We are on different paths and agendas.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The hitting thing is important as an indicator of her thought processes. If you're bigger and stronger, she likely isn't going to hurt you. But it shows she has a temper problem and can cross a significant line.

It is common for such women to pull out the stops when the divorce starts. It is very common for the woman to set up her husband for a domestic violence charge. She hits you and screams at you, gets you upset. Maybe you even have to restrain her by holding her wrists and/or pinning her to the wall. Then she calls 911 and says you hit her. The cops show up and you tell the honest story she hit you and you grabbed her wrist. You get the ride downtown wearing silver bracelets, you get arrested, booked, and charged. Even if the charges are dropped the next day, the whole thing is public record for every future employer, romantic partner, credit check, etc to see. You're tarred as a domestic abuser forever.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Jimmy2004 said:


> We rent a townhome, now let me clarify, I'm not worried about the hitting thing, she admitted that it was wrong. I'm looking for advice on fighting the manipulation and holding through what I need to do. The physical thing was just the last straw.
> 
> She wants me to go to counciling although I truely believe it won't help. We are on different paths and agendas.


I would suggest that you start building on the 180. You will need it to survive the absolute crap storm she will send your way.

Since she shows violence it means that she is more than willing to let her feelings drive her responses.
This can also lead to emotional reactivity.

To endure this, you have to establish the boundaries and hold yourself to them. In a certain way, you will have to become a better person to be able to survive this.

Study up!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm going to echo a bit of advice that you were given in one of your other threads...



SongoftheSouth said:


> No brainer - get divorced and the quicker the better!!! Only a 1.5 year marriage and no children wow you are lucky move quick brother.


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## Jimmy2004 (Aug 14, 2014)

I really wanted to get enough momentum to leave this weekend but I let her talk me out of it and manipulate me some more. How do I make this stop?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jimmy2004 said:


> I really wanted to get enough momentum to leave this weekend but I let her talk me out of it and manipulate me some more. How do I make this stop?


By leaving.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Jimmy2004 said:


> I really wanted to get enough momentum to leave this weekend but *I let her* talk me out of it and manipulate me some more. How do I make this stop?


How do you make this stop??? Stop letting her talk you out of it and manipulating you.

Are you a glutton for punishment? You know what you have to do. Hire an attorney, draw up divorce papers, and file.

Just go do it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are obviously in charge of your life -- not her. Don't listen to anything she says. Tell her you're done and there's no going back. Keep repeating it. 

That's how you stop it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your words said you wouldn't permit her to hit you. Your actions said otherwise. She hit you three times. You didn't lay her out. You didn't have her locked up. You didn't get a restraining order. You are still arguing with her. Here's the way the world works. Crazy heifer hits, she leaves the home...in handcuffs. She gets served with a restraining order so she can't come around, argue, or otherwise wear her butt for a hat. You don't remove your stuff. She removes her's. 
The only power this woman has is whatever power you give her. If you were seriously over being abused, you wouldn't have told her where you would be staying. That was an invitation for her to remain in contact with you. She has no reason to believe you are serious because you aren't. She whacked you for the third time. You didn't grab so much as a toothbrush. You went to work and when work was over, you came right back home. Why do you consent to being assaulted by anyone? My wife actually does have mental health problems but even she is aware enough to know that if she hit me, immediate and very bad consequences would come her way...not after the third or fourth time, but the very first time. 
If the cops came to your house and she swung on one of them, they wouldn't give her warnings and threats. They wouldn't storm out and come back hours later to talk about it. Her boss wouldn't let her hit or even threaten violence at work. If the cops wouldn't put up with it and her boss wouldn't, why do you?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I understand the thought behind "you don't leave, she does". And that totally makes sense, especially if there are kids or home ownership involved. There aren't.

You can not get her to stop manipulating you.
You can not force her to be nice. 
You can be sure that if you stay with her, you'll get hit again.
You can be sure that if you talk to her, she'll manipulate.
And it's clear that when she does, you fall for it. 

There is only way to stop this. STOP talking to her. 

To do this, you have two choices:
1. Put her crap on the lawn and change the locks. 
2. Gather your crap and leave.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

AS said before, you need to leave this situation. When you are no longer around her, you can control the communication. Leave and file. The quicker the better.


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