# Married and having a crush on another guy



## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

I was looking around for marriage forums and this is the first result that google showed. So I'm here to pour myself out.

Please accept my apologies for soliciting advice here without providing any so far. I will give my inputs once I'm, in a better state of mind.

A little about me: I'm a female, 28 years old. My Husband is a little older to me, 32, and we are married for 3-4 years now;dated for 2 years before that. I don't really have any major complaints with my husband, just the usual marital ups-downs. I started graduate school in fall 2011 and most of my classes involve group work. We are usually assigned to groups by professors and some professors allow us to choose our group members. So I happened to know this guy. There were no feelings in the Fall semester and we were all getting to know each other. Now, since the beginning of the spring semester, jan 2012, I've realized that I'm a little atracted to this guy.

This guy is actually younger to me(24 years old), of a different ethnicity, of a different religion and yet I feel a strong connection. He seems to have a lot of principles, my husband does too, but I've not met too many men with principles. He does not behave his age, he actually acts older like may be a 30 year old or something. I'm so attracted that I've actually started dressing - up for my classes, which I never did in my first semester. I look forward to seeing him, to talking to him and just being with him. We usually only discuss classes/study. He knows i'm married and we both never hang out or something(this is because of lack of time and if he would invite me to hang out, i might end up going!!). I feel so sad to say this but I'm even sexually attracted to him to a small extent. This guy is not the drop-dead good looking guy, his looks are not even average. I shoudn't say this but I want to mention it to let you all know that my attraction is not just physical. We had a Spring break 2 weeks ago and not seeing him for 2 weeks was killing me.

I am a very self controlled and disciplined person myself and I'm feeling so silly and small to know that I have this issue. I've never ever found any guy more attractive than my husband.I will be gradauting in december and that thought is scarying me because i won't be able to see this guy. I feel I'm acting like a teenager

What's going on here with me? I don't even want advice like " stay away" etc because I know that's what I should be doing anyway. I am aware that this is totally wrong and immoral of me. I feel guilty but the excitement is also addictive. May be there are issues in my marriage that need to be fixed, but I seriosuly don't even think about my marriage these days. All on my mind is : my classes, exams, this guy, dressing - up, talking to him and back .

P.S.: I feel so bad admitting to this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sillygurl said:


> I don't even want advice like " stay away"



well, sorry but

the only way to save yourself is to tell your husband and go no contact with this guy


if you want to wake yourself go over to the CWI section to get a glimpse of the unbelievable amount of pain inflicted by those who are betrayed


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

sillygurl said:


> but I seriosuly don't even think about my marriage these days. All on my mind is : my classes, exams, this guy, dressing - up, talking to him and back .


yup, there's the problem right there... no attention being paid to marriage... relationship on autopilot... new shiny thing found.



> P.S.: I feel so bad admitting to this.


Probably, but you shouldn't. Consider the alternative of NOT admitting it. From my own chair, I'm seeing "strength" and "courage".


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Question.

If your husband knew how you felt about this classmate, what do you think he would say/do?

Maybe the way to end this is to be honest. Put your husband and his feelings first. If he were feeling this way for a coworker, how would you take it?


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

So, you come to a pro marriage board and say you don't want advice like stay away? What exactly are you looking for, validation? You won't get that here. Being around this man will kill your marriage. If you love your husband you will stay away. If you wish to feel like a teenager, leave your husband. Really the only 2 choices that would be fair to your husband.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your ripping your H heart out, he just doesn't know it yet.

Maybe if your lucky your husband has the same feeling with another women and it will all equal out in the end....NOT!!!

I quess you can only hope your husband has these exciting feeling for some young 20yr old. Maybe he feels like a teenage also. maybe it will all work.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stay away.


Sometimes what you don't want to hear is exactly what you need to hear.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Can you imagine the look on your husbands face, you will see and hear his heart break, the utter anguish, the sound of his soul crushing, watching his whole life being sucked out of him....Knowing you did this to him.

It's a pain I wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy

You are married, take your vows seriously, talk to your husband, but above all stay away from this guy, I can guarantee you no good will come of it, if you do not...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sillygurl said:


> I was looking around for marriage forums and this is the first result that google showed. So I'm here to pour myself out.
> 
> Please accept my apologies for soliciting advice here without providing any so far. I will give my inputs once I'm, in a better state of mind.
> 
> ...


Can you read the bolded parts again?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife was doing the same thing with an ex high school boyfriend because of the "connection",know she wishes to god she could have a do over cause we came close to being over after I found out.
Setting youself up for a big hurtful fall...Stay away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

Jeff, you are very kind. Well, yes I do agree that I needed a lot of courage to post this, despite the fact that I do not know any of you here.My H and me have absolutely little time for each other and may be this is one reason and a lack of excitement. 

A bit much,
My H would be mad at me, he cannot tolerate such things andh as himself always been faithful to me.
As of today if my H would feel this way toward another woman, I would probably look at myself and change something about me.
I feel my H is taking the relationship for granted and may be that's wat is missing.

rundown,
I meant that I know I should stay away but I don't know how to do this.

the guy,
I am aware of the pain this can cause a marriage. I feel miserable myself, I definitely do not want my H to get involved in something like this.

that girl,
I definitely need to hear that, thanks.

struggling husband,
you mean I should talk to my husband about this?I do not have the courage to do that yet.

keko,
I meant that I "was" a self disciplined person all my life and this incident is crushing me. Its like I have no feelings, no chracter and no ethics. I feel sick of myself.
I want to get out of this feeling.

calvin, 
you mean you found out about your wife and now you both are "happy"?


Also, I forgot to add that this guy has NO feelings for me whatsoever except respect for a classmate and a litte friendship, if I may say so.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Attraction can happen. It is a bunch of chemicals flowing in your brain. Read up on "The fog" here for a better understanding of what has happened to you.

The attraction is there, you can't reverse what has happened. What you can do is take steps to stop it in its tracks now that it has happened.

Biology is not Destiny. You are an adult capable of making grownup decisions. You need to make them, and end all contact with this guy and start reconnecting with your husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take a breath and go look at yourself in the mirror for a minute.

This crush is just something that is lacking within yourself. It's just a mirage to take your mind off whatever it is that you don't want to deal with.

Figure that out, and your crush will go away. 

Besides, all crushes still poop and imagine him doing that. Squeezin' out a big one. Yep. Bust out of that fog, lady


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Besides, all crushes still poop and imagine him doing that. Squeezin' out a big one. Yep. Bust out of that fog, lady


Wow, brilliant words. Thanks. I should go for my run now and bust out that fog.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

sillygurl said:


> rundown,
> I meant that I know I should stay away but I don't know how to do this.


Seriously? Get real. You stay away by STAYING AWAY.

If you had an alcohol addiction, the way you cure it is by stopping drinking. Same theory here. 

You need to Cowgirl up and just do it.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

Posse,
I agree this is attraction and I have no intentions of acting on my attraction. Its just the feelings of getting attracted that kills me and I'm still not able to get over attractions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you make a choice right now? There is alot here, and us strangers know alot more and have experienced enough to tell you that now is the time to muster up your self disciline and stop this.

Talk to your husband and fix this crap before it goes to far.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- start spending 10-15 hours at least of alone time with your husband a week

otherwise you can never bond and keep the attraction


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Go for your run....think about your husband and what you love most about him. Think about when you met your husband and how giddy you'd get. Text him something dirty....  Seriously! Crush on your man!!! 

And keep thinkin of your crush in the morning...all nasty and boogers in the eye, scratchin his ass and squeezin' out a big one.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> btw- start spending 10-15 at least of alone time with your husband a week
> 
> otherwise you can never bond and keep the attraction


Hours, not minutes


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

thank you I have edited it


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

you are attracted to being attracted.

It's not about the crush AT ALL.

It's about someone taking interest...which spouses sometimes forget to do because they're out in the world PROVIDING for our FAMILIES 

Ignite your own fire for your marriage. Don't wait for your husband to do it. Just start. It's not a score keeping thing...just do it! Text him something naughty and when he replies, say nothing more. Do something for yourself that makes you feel sexy and flirt with your man.

Come on! You know you got this in you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If your marriage is not your #1 priority this is the first step.

You must go NC with this guy. You say how? Well if there is no middle ground you will have to drop from your classes. 

This is the equivalent of a workplace EA. You have bonded with this guy.

You may not have cheated yet but you admit if he encouraged you you just might.

Inappropriate -- check

Unfaithful -- check. You have put another man ahead of your husband and are aware of this. You dress up for him. You do not even think about your marriage.

Cheating -- sounds like this could happen at the snap of the OMs fingers. Which means you are ready to cheat.

If this were the workplace the answer would be that you need to quit your job immediately and go total NC. This is an EA.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

If this guy has those honorable principles that you admire, you should have them as well. You need to do what you can to not be around this guy.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sillygurl,
We're getting our happines back she looked him up on fb out of curiosity,then she started acting like a teenage girl,thing snowballed,nothing physical but I kicked her out of the house.Came real close to file for D.She wishes now she never would have had that crush on him,almost lost it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are just missing some excitement in your relationship.
Don't eff it up even more by entertaining these thoughts.

SPICE UP YOUR MARRIAGE! 

It's fun!!

Be your husband's girlfriend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't even think she should tell her husband. She just had thoughts...unless she's calling/texting him all the time.

I think she should just shift her focus to her husband.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't even think she should tell her husband. She just had thoughts...unless she's calling/texting him all the time.
> 
> I think she should just shift her focus to her husband.


Everything she has stated indicates she is in an EA. So she is in trouble. Your advice is ceratinly dead on as far as her shifting her focus. I think she is playing with real danger here though. Not so sure she will be able to just switch this off. Why risk it? This seems more than a H.S. girl crush. She is 28. She has already indicated she does not think of her marriage and is unsure she would resist this guy.

EAs do not need texts and email to flourish. Contact works great. EAs are all about thoughts and feelings. These seem to be leading to the edge. She is already starting to think ahead to what she might do and is unsure. She is in the confused stage as her brain has shifted from her husband to this other guy she really admires.

I am not sure that telling her husband would help. He should just insist she quit school. He would be very hurt no matter what.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say something like, "babe, I realized myself getting attracted to other people and realizing our marriage is missing some excitement. i don't want other people...i want you. So...it's time to fan the fire a bit  "

Point is, she is aware, she doesn't want to be in it, and she isn't making many excuses, that I can tell. To make this super heavy will defeat the purpose of setting her marriage on fire. She got sucked in but she can easily refocus and pull herself out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Can she? Can people in EAs just turn it off? Maybe some can. Most have to choose to go NC. I hope she can just turn it off because she needs to without delay. I hope you can talk her off the proverbial ledge.

I don't think the danger here is that she will start texting him a lot. I think the danger is her stopping by his apartment after classes.

Am I wrong?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's not the vibe I got, actually



I will reread it and post again. i just sensed a woman who was feeling somewhat stuck and this dude showed interest in her as a woman/class mate...


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

the guy,
I agree that all of you here have a LOT more experience in this and the best this for me is to take your advice.

almostreovered,
10-15 hours is a lot, we don't usually have that many hours together. But, I'm going to start taking baby steps.
Another concern is - my H does not show too much interest in all this, he is kind of taking things for granted. Even if i plan something there is only 80% chance that he would be up for it.

that girl,

I cannot thank you more. I love the way in which you have written to me. It makes me feel less guilty of myself.
I just sent a naughty message to my H. I so agree with you that we get busy in providing for the family and end up taking the spouse for granted.

entropy, 
I appreciate your steps here. I'm definitely looking for direction and this helps me. Well, I cannot drop classes. Graduating in time is more important to me.
This guy does not encourage me in any way, so may be that's one reason I'm still not acting on my feelings. or may be if he would encourage also, i would never act. I don't know.
I totally agree that this is inappropriate behavior from me.

thisisme,
He has nice principles and he is a tradional in terms of a relationship view(one man-one woman). I thought I was of the same view too, Oh I still think, but then why am I getting attracted? And attraction should die away isn't it? Mine is there for 4 months now.

calvin, 
sorry to hear of your situation and I hope you guys are happy together. All this puts so much stress in a "normal" marriage.
ladyfrogflyaway,
I definitely do not want to tell my H. I want to end these feelings, that is all.

that girl, 
we talk only ocassionally on phone , that too for project related stuff. But, I end up texting him and so he replies. From his side, the texts are VERY few.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope. I don't see anything more than a woman who feels respected in her classes and this guy somewhat stepped in for her hubs as her hubs worked (I assume..?). They talk in class, etc...he smiles at her...lolll very HS!! Stop it 

That's why I stated she should just refocus on her man. i didn't see any real thing here other than her stupidity (no offense, OP  ) The OM isn't making advances that she says and i think she's just being dumb (again, no offense!!  I'm dumb all the time).


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I don't think the danger here is that she will start texting him a lot. I think the danger is her stopping by his apartment after classes.
> 
> Am I wrong?


entropy, just to answer this question - No, i would NEVER ever stop by his apartment. and, he knows i'm married , he is very principled in such thoughts and would never encourage anything anyway(he is not even encouraging me now).

Texting is already there though


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop texting.

Don't sit next to him.

Don't call.

Stop this nonsense, woman! Seriously. Dry your panties and realize you are being very silly...hence your name 

Go look at old pics of you and your hubs. Plan a date night. MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE A PRIORITY. Then I promise you you'll be excited to get home to see your man and this other guy won't even matter.

Why settle for a pork chop when you got a lobster at home?  (or whatever your fave meal is)

This OM is nothing. Just a guy that caught your fancy. Oh well. Stop it. Everybody poops. Remember that book? Well, it's true.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Nope. I don't see anything more than a woman who feels respected in her classes and this guy somewhat stepped in for her hubs as her hubs worked (I assume..?). They talk in class, etc...he smiles at her...lolll very HS!! Stop it
> 
> That's why I stated she should just refocus on her man. i didn't see any real thing here other than her stupidity (no offense, OP  ) The OM isn't making advances that she says and i think she's just being dumb (again, no offense!!  I'm dumb all the time).


I think you have nailed my feelings. I'm acting like a dumb high school girl who cannot see anything buy this guy(not even a dude btw). He does not even talk personal stuff to me. Its me who always initiates non-academic topics. duh!


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> My reasoning for telling him is that once the secrecy is gone, it greatly reduces the chance that texting, ect, will happen or continue.


I do not have the courage for this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sillygurl said:


> I think you have nailed my feelings. I'm acting like a dumb high school girl who cannot see anything buy this guy(not even a dude btw). He does not even talk personal stuff to me. Its me who always initiates non-academic topics. duh!


Then STOP IT.

When you want to talk to him, text your husband...even if in class.

The control is YOURS. Don't be a dumb woman. There's enough of them out there already.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Then STOP IT.
> 
> When you want to talk to him, text your husband...even if in class.
> 
> The control is YOURS. Don't be a dumb woman. There's enough of them out there already.


Got it! I need to act on these wise words now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The OM is just a guy. Some random guy who made you realize something was lacking in your marriage.

Thank him in your mind, drop him and go feed your marriage!!!

*butt slap*


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> That's not the vibe I got, actually
> 
> 
> 
> I will reread it and post again. i just sensed a woman who was feeling somewhat stuck and this dude showed interest in her as a woman/class mate...


You may be right and frankly I defer to you as you would have a better perspective.

If it is just that, then absolutely she just needs to get herself thinking about her marriage.

Sounds like you were able to reach her. Awesomeness!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We had some PMs. She's good to go! Logical and no excuses. I dig it.

It will be ok...just feed the marriage. FEED IT!

Which reminds me, Ima send a naughty text to Hubs now


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> We had some PMs. She's good to go! Logical and no excuses. I dig it.
> 
> It will be ok...just feed the marriage. FEED IT!
> 
> Which reminds me, Ima send a naughty text to Hubs now


Yep - food for the marriage is a need 

enjoy your day


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Sounds like you were able to reach her. Awesomeness!


Agree, really awesomeness!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My job is done.

Whew. I'm beat.

Need a beer.

Go be awesome!


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

sillygurl, I truly understand your hesitation to be open to your husband about your feelings about this OM. You haven't done anything wrong YET, so being up front about it could potentially do more damage than good to your relationship. What if I told you there was an easy fix that didn't require you telling your husband about this OM?

*CAUSE:* The issue with why your mind is beginning to stray is because of the very issue you've admitted in your own words that your marriage is lacking... it's your husband taking the relationship for granted. If this continues to go unresolved, you will both grow farther apart and eventually you will be seeking to fill the empty hole in your relationship with someone else. Despite your usual self control and high morals, you cannot fight off what you need as an individual from your relationship. You have needs and they need to be fulfilled. When your needs are fulfilled by your spouse, your bond remains strong to him.

*SOLUTION:* You need to sit down and have a very calm and gentle, loving conversation with your husband (no finger-pointing) that you are starting to feel a little empty in your relationship. Perhaps you're not feeling special, and you want to get back to an intimate love and closeness with him because right now you feel your lack of time for each other is an early warning sign laying the groundwork for you to both drift apart. Right now you still love him incredibly, but you feel something is missing. Make sure he is concerned for your feelings but still secure that you love him, and then tell him that you want him to read 2 books with you:

First read His Needs Her Needs
Then read The 5 Love Languages

I promise you, if you both read these books together that your eyes will open up and discover exactly where you have BOTH been lacking in your relationship for each other. If you take the content in these 2 books seriously and live by it, I can almost guarantee you will fall back in love with each other in ways you never thought possible.

And stay engaged here at TAM... it's a good crowd with huge hearts. We love to help.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Crushes are normal. My wife and I have both had them. But we admitted them to each other to deflate them. Besides, things got better for her when she admitted her crush. I felt compelled to compete for her. Worked out very well. Her world was rocked, the crush disappeared. ;-)


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I would say something like, "babe, I realized myself getting attracted to other people and realizing our marriage is missing some excitement. i don't want other people...i want you. So...it's time to fan the fire a bit  "
> 
> Point is, she is aware, she doesn't want to be in it, and she isn't making many excuses, that I can tell. To make this super heavy will defeat the purpose of setting her marriage on fire. She got sucked in but she can easily refocus and pull herself out.


I told my wife something similar. I said that we have to fix things. I said that I was affraid that I would fall for somebody else who was giving me attention. I believe it helped a little.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have had several crushes. They come and go. It's a good thing I never acted on them.

I love texting dirty things to my wife now. It's a new thing.

I now leave notes all over the place at home. If ever she decides to clean up a bit, she may find them.

It's not all perfect, but it is gettin better.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My job is done.
> 
> Whew. I'm beat.
> 
> ...



I think more people should come to TAM before they do stupid stuff. TAM has helped me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HA! That would be awesome to find a dirty note somewhere. But our oldest knows how to read...LOLOL! We just keep it to texts


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just have to find the right approach. You don't want to start a HUGE ISSUE over something that the OP is able to squash on her own.

Which is why i said not to mention ONE person...make it in general. IMO, much easier to understand.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Her husband should hear "Let's work on us and our fire" and not so much "I had a crush on another dude..." ya know?

Hopefully she's texted him a few naughty things.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cause life takes a toll sometimes and we forget to appreciate what we already have.

I did for a while. No EA or anything but I just lost it.

But I got it back! Just gotta remember "why".


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That could be it...the 2 weeks thing.

I was good for a while...but I think I didn't really know what marriage was...and my mom was in my ear all freakin day! "Do this" "You need to..." omg...

It's all good now.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Agreed. And hopefully it will work for her. *I just have strong feelings about the issue because of my own EA. * It's not something I could live with. But everyone is different.


Indeed. :iagree:


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

That_girl made a lot of sense..take it for what it's worth.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence and you've said it yourself...the guy you like isn't as interested in you as you are in him..so obviously..you've thrown the bone out there..which is just plain wrong.

Dressing to impress him is just plain wrong also. How would you like it if your hubby found a coworker attractive and decided to dress to impress her?? 

The bottom line is, I think that your hubby is soo good to you that you're taking him for granted. Be careful of that...here today..gone tomorrow..could you live with that??

Walk away from this stupid crush you have and love your husband for what he's worth..your husband. You took vows in front of God and your loved ones. Bottom line is..either stay true to your husband or get out of your marriage...you can't have both!!


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> The bottom line is, I think that your hubby is soo good to you that you're taking him for granted. Be careful of that...here today..gone tomorrow..could you live with that??


That is a 100% correct. We both have issues here - he is too good to me and I feel he takes the relationship for granted.

I am, hopefully, a new person from today after the help and support i got here on TAM.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

:smthumbup:I'm overwhelmed with the replies here. So much so support, thank you guys.

I just got back from my run. Washed away my feelings for this guy with my run, atleast partly. Well, I cannot yank myself out completely in one shot. I will get there though.

I'm actually waiting for my H to return home today, something that I've not felt in 3-4 months. Haven't texted this guy since afternoon.

Sent some cute and dirty messages to H. He replied to some, he did not reply to others, but that's him. haha.

Made my H's favorite meal for dinner. And spent a good 2 hours laying out a feast for him. He is going to be one happy man tonight! I've also told him that we should go out in the week end. He said depends on his schedule, so I will make plans accordingly.

I'm going to go ahead and make plans for "alone time" every week. the problem is we both have tons of things to do in the week ends - I have my school related stuff and he has some other work related stuff going on sometimes. So hard to find time. But, I would have to make that time somehow.

THANKS to each one of you. I'm actually waiting for H now, so i'm not going to reply one-on-one to your posts ; but I will reply when I get the chance.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sandc said:


> Crushes are normal. My wife and I have both had them. But we admitted them to each other to deflate them. Besides, things got better for her when she admitted her crush. I felt compelled to compete for her. Worked out very well. Her world was rocked, the crush disappeared. ;-)


After I told my wife about my crush and how they flirt with me was when we went from sex 2X a month to 3X a week.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This thread gave me a headache.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> This thread gave me a headache.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh yeah? Well, this thread helped me a lot for sure.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Bandits a good guy,hes been through a lot.A lot of "crushes" start out small,then before you know it,things are way out of control.Dont let that happen,always a price to pay.Thing I'm getting a little sick myself..grown adutls acting like teenagers...ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Bandit was triggered by your situation; he didn't mean that your problem was trivial. So glad that you realized that we all can be tempted, but the grass is not greener, and you can keep your marriage strong by paying attention to your husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And make your marriage a priority. MAKE the time. No excuses.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

calvin said:


> Bandits a good guy,hes been through a lot.A lot of "crushes" start out small,then before you know it,things are way out of control.Dont let that happen,always a price to pay.Thing I'm getting a little sick myself..grown adutls acting like teenagers...ugh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm tired of morally vacuous, styrofoam people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hey Sillygirl , your husband hasn't been distant. He has given you the freedom to focus on your studies and on yourself because he loves you and trusts you I don't doubt he wants to consune every minute of your day. Buthe respects your going to school and how much of your time and passion that it requires. He is sacraficing his time with you so that you succeed. 

Don't pay him back with betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

You say your husband has a lot of principles and this other guy has a lot of principles as well. Why don't you join the gang and start having principles yourself? As someone mentioned before I too sympathize with your husband and wouldn't wish my enemy to be in his situation. Is he also paying for your education? 

I read your latest post and looks like you are working on it which is great, however if you feel yourself being lured by your thoughts just look into a magic ball. If this goes further I don't think your husband would forgive you, and neither do I think the other guy would like to have an affair with you. You will be all alone. You are walking towards your own destruction and 'now' is the time to turn back. Sometimes fear and guilt gets us walking on the right track and it is never too late for that. 

Here is an odd advice. From tomorrow, start looking at the other guy like he is your brother and all your feelings of passion etc will just go away. He should just be off-limits to you and your thoughts no matter what (not part of your syllabus) 

Or consider taking a break from college.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Remember! The crush takes big poops! HUGE! Sits and grunts all nasty.

Eww.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

calvin said:


> Bandits a good guy,hes been through a lot.A lot of "crushes" start out small,then before you know it,things are way out of control.Dont let that happen,always a price to pay.Thing I'm getting a little sick myself..grown adutls acting like teenagers...ugh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin, I've not been around for long and so I don't know anyone here. When I actually read the post I felt my problem was belittled, although it is an issue for me. It toook me almost a month to get the courage to post on an anonymous forum,let alone talk to a friend.

Anyway, Bandit : I apologize for taking it in the wrong spirit.

EDIT: I just googled for "married and having a crush" to make sure I'm not the only person going through this and many results popped up. I see that I'm not alone and this is a genuine issue because it could lead to an affair,cheating etc. And, everyone who has posted such a problem is definitely not a teenager. We, as adults , do need a little direction sometimes and I'm glad that TAM gave me that.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Hey Sillygirl , your husband hasn't been distant. He has given you the freedom to focus on your studies and on yourself because he loves you and trusts you I don't doubt he wants to consune every minute of your day. Buthe respects your going to school and how much of your time and passion that it requires. He is sacraficing his time with you so that you succeed.
> 
> Don't pay him back with betrayal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shaggy, you got me. I agree 100%. I should not be doing this and you are correct - h knows how much I'm enjoying my program minus the guy ofcourse


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

eowyn said:


> You say your husband has a lot of principles and this other guy has a lot of principles as well. Why don't you join the gang and start having principles yourself? As someone mentioned before I too sympathize with your husband and wouldn't wish my enemy to be in his situation. Is he also paying for your education?
> 
> I read your latest post and looks like you are working on it which is great, however if you feel yourself being lured by your thoughts just look into a magic ball. If this goes further I don't think your husband would forgive you, and neither do I think the other guy would like to have an affair with you. You will be all alone. You are walking towards your own destruction and 'now' is the time to turn back. Sometimes fear and guilt gets us walking on the right track and it is never too late for that.
> 
> ...


Brilliant advice. I'm going to change my mind set.

About paying for my education - I'm in a full-time program, so cannot commit to a job now and obviously the family expenses are paid by him and also part of tuition. The remaining tuition I pay from my savings.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

sillygurl said:


> Brilliant advice. I'm going to change my mind set.
> 
> About paying for my education - I'm in a full-time program, so cannot commit to a job now and obviously the family expenses are paid by him and also part of tuition. The remaining tuition I pay from my savings.


I am glad you liked the advice. He is also younger to you so consider him as your younger brother. I am sure it will work. 

Also from all your posts looks like your husband is a great guy. Read some of the posts on this forum and you will start appreciating your husband. Consider yourself lucky for what you have and you will not find the need to look around.

Lastly, if you have any feeling of guilt due to your thoughts thus far, give yourself a break. It is okay to be misled by your thoughts once in a while. It takes lot of strength and character to correct yourself and get back on track.

I think you have a great attitude and you will be able to condense this fog and be done with this whole thing sooner than you think. I read somewhere that "A dense fog that covers seven city blocks can be condensed into a 12-ounce glass"  Goodluck to you and your H!


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

eowyn, younger brother! Nice thought. I'm putting that into my head right now. 
Yep, my H is a great guy. I think I just got carried away because of lack of excitement and 4 years of marriage LOL

I love the way you wrote about the fog. Thanks


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sillygurl said:


> About paying for my education - I'm in a full-time program, so cannot commit to a job now and obviously the family expenses are paid by him and also part of tuition.


You can also print this out and keep it with you at all times.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

crush is one thing but your actions are another also the stance you are taking.

this will not end well


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Not sure if it was said yet, I read the first page of this thread then skipped to the last... but read the book His needs Her needs, and affair proof your marriage!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said you don't want to hear STAY AWAY 
but well:


STAY AWAY.

You are married. Nothing good will come from this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sillygurl said:


> About paying for my education - I'm in a full-time program, so cannot commit to a job now and obviously the family expenses are paid by him and also part of tuition. The remaining tuition I pay from my savings.


 You have stated that you do not have much time for your husband because of your school commitments. An education that he pays for because he wants to support you in doing what will make you happy, even if it means sacrificing time with you. You repay him by treating him as only a meal ticket and by giving your feelings over to another man instead of him. Although it is normal to having feelings for another during the course of a marraige, it is not normal to let it continue once you discover those feelings in yourself. You must go full no contact with the other man right now, and find the time to date your husband again.

I was on vacation one time with my family when my daughter befriended another little girl her same age. I found myself instantly super attracted to my daughter's friend's mother who was both charming and beautiful (she was an actress that had limited success but you would know her). Although everyone kept trying to schedule joint family get togethers during the trip, I kept such joint scheduling to a minimum and avoided contact with the other mom at all costs. 

Most everyone will be tempted by others during the course of their marriage. It is what you do about it that separates cheaters from non-cheaters. My advice is to turn and run away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Another way to look at this OM is a a very real threat to you marriage. This guy means the end of your marriage and a scar on you pr husbands souk put there by you if you don't ditch the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I was friends with this bus driver. I was on his route every night and we got to talking. We exchanged bbms and I made sure to tell my husband about it so that there were no secrets.

This man started sending dirty messages to me. Although I was flattered and even somewhat attracted to this man, I stopped talking to him right away. My husband deserves to have a wife who does not indulge in inappropriate conversations with other men.

For a short time, I was a phone sex operator before I was married. The money can be great and the hours are perfect for students. Yet I will not return to that line of work because I am only supposed to talk dirty to my husband. It is wrong for a married woman to be a phone sex operator IMO.

Temptation is a fact of life whether we are single or married. It is what we do with our temptations that define our love lives. Step away from the cute kid please.


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## apoc (Apr 22, 2012)

^ I like the above post.

But also, just my two cents. I'm thankfully still a young guy but I've been in a similar situation.

Only I was (in a small extent) in the role of your husband.
(seriously I can't keep up with all the abbreviations yet.)

I dated this gal for seven months. Gave her everything and paid the way off savings because I was between jobs (nothing glorious about minimum wage but I'm still breathing) and she couldn't have asked for more. Well, we break up and I find out the whole time I actually was, just the meal ticket. That she actually did have PLENTY of feelings for her ex, and actually bumped uglies with him once or twice while we were together.

That's good it sounds like you're working on it but honestly, that feeling when a woman devalues a man by taking her feelings off him and tagging them to someone else, really ****s him up good inside. Don't even take that with a grain of salt, I mean if you really want to see someone either shut down all the good feelings they've ever harbored in their life or raise an ungodly rage, keep it all a big secret then let it all blow up in the end.

It's good you're shifting focus. That's Step 1. But you straight up need to tell your husband about it down the line or it'll be something of a secret emotional affair buried in you that'll only cause distrust. You can't hide truths in a relationship without the inconsistencies left in their absence pointing back to them later, you know? Tell him how much you love him. Tell him about how you Had a crush but then realized how rank it'd be of you to have it.

I know, at least in my case, when it was kept as a ****ty secret and I had to find out, that's what... led to bad things.

But honesty? Yeah. If he loves you enough to pay for a full time graduate education for you then hot damn he probably loves you enough that if you just tell him the truth he'll get over it in time. I know I would've, had my situation panned out differently.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

OP, TALK TO YOUR H. thats the only way to deal with this. you arent betraying him by having a crush, thats only human. you WILL betray him by hiding it from him.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I would never tell my husband about a crush, because it would just hurt his feelings. 

He doesn't need to know about all of my lusty fantasies.


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