# Can anybody answer question about STBXW



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Spent the weekend at the lake with my very good friends. Bad thing is, they kept my STBXW as friends on facebook to spy on her and stuff, while we are separated. I asked them what she was doing (without going into any detail) and they said the vibe they are getting is that she is acting pretty immature about the entire situation...ie: posting party pics, having fun quotes...blah blah. 

Now i ask, she walked out on me about 4 months ago. I'm over her, but slowly getting back to normalcy. However, it seems she has been back to her old "single" self from week 1 of leaving me. Why in the hell would she be acting like this? I have been doing the 180 and haven't talked to her since. It seems she was wanting to live the single life from day 1. Why in the heck did she even marry me and put me through this crap?

I'm going through a healing process right now and my STBXW is living the life. Pretty pathetic people can be.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't know your background, but who initiated the separation/split? Sometimes one spouse will go through the grieving process for the relationship even before the subject of ending it comes up. AKA "checking out". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

She left me. Said she wasn't happy after almost 4 years together. Never cheated on her and was very faithful to her. I did have some issues (not helping around house enough and spending to much time on computer), but i was addressing those issues through counseling. However, she seems to have made her mind up without even trying.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Her behavior is due to not being emotionally connected when she walked out. I'm very sorry.

She moved on prior to walking out.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

I find that pretty pathetic then. I knew her for 7+ years in total. How can someone just let go like that without even trying? Geez


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Her behavior is due to not being emotionally connected when she walked out. I'm very sorry.
> 
> She moved on prior to walking out.


Why the women does that ? Why they don't simply say - hey, I'm not happy with A,B,C etc and try to work the things out ?


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Why the women does that ? Why they don't simply say - hey, I'm not happy with A,B,C etc and try to work the things out ?



^^ yes please answer the question for me. She never once asked me to go to third party counseling for my "supposed" problems...she had some of her own btw. She just walked out on a thursday, told me she loved me and wanted to work it out, then 4 days later she comes packing all her crap up and moving everything out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

BigMac said:


> Why the women does that ? Why they don't simply say - hey, I'm not happy with A,B,C etc and try to work the things out ?


I did it because my ex h was unfaithful and abusive. The damage was done and unrepairable. Living like that was pure hell. He's much worse now then 19 years ago. I did meet someone absolutely wonderful a few years after my divorce. 

I have no idea why the OP's wife did this. It happens with women too.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I did it because my ex h was unfaithful and abusive. The damage was done and unrepairable. Living like that was pure hell. He's much worse now then 19 years ago. I did meet someone absolutely wonderful a few years after my divorce.
> 
> I have no idea why the OP's wife did this. It happens with women too.



Out of experience I've seen only woman does that, never heard a story about man doing it and I find it very weird !


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I am a woman who initiated more than one "I'm not happy and I can't live this way" talks, and convinced him to attend two futile rounds of counseling (futile because he went, but didn't participate). After that, I checked out and then told him I wanted a divorce. In my case, I wanted to be really, really, really sure, and was hoping he'd come around. Mostly these days, my friends who've divorced got a new man/woman before asking for divorce, which is worse than checking out.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Mine checked out after suggesting counseling 2 years ago but we were focusing on a therapist for behavioral issues with our kids so I didn't pursue it and she never mentioned it again. Unfortunately I got blindsided in Sept where she gave me no choice this time to try. I suggested we've never worked together on counseling so we can really address the issues now but she said it's too late and not an option anymore.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

L, I understand the question. But remember to hit the reset. There are two things involved here. 1) the Internet isn't real. Broadcasting crap on social networking isn't her. It's the face she wants the world to see for whatever reason. Which brings us to 2). The Reason. Why. Ultimately the why doesn't matter. That's just tail chase talk. 

Sorry for your situation. Tell your friends to stop updating you no matter how much you plead. That's the path to madness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sometimes they are dropped as hints; which I understand some people are not the type to just sit someone down and say "hey, this is what is messed up". IMO....if the two adults can not sit down and bring their issues to the table but let them fester and burn them up inside....that is to a great degree childish. That's okay when you're 17 but if you're an adult, convey the message. Keep the guessing out, that's for when you were dating.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Agreed with Chuck. My STBXW said many of the same things to me ... I didn't help enough and I spent too much time on the computer. But during our relationship she would often joke that we worked well as she could watch crappy tv while I played a game or something. 

Mine never said a word to me about being unhappy, but has since said that I didn't pay enough attention to notice she was unhappy. I was shocked by that and didn't believe it at all. But I think it comes down to the way men and women communicate. She thought she was giving me signals ... And I never picked up on them. Men for the most part are blunt and need the direct approach. 

For me, it lead to my STBXW having an EM (and probably a PA), and as others have said above, likely going through the moving on process two months or so before I even knew we had a problem. 

She is ahead of you in the grieving process. It hurts, I know, but you'll catch up one day. It's not a race to who moves on first.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

We both became complacent. It happens after being together 15 years. I wanted children when we married, she had one from her first marriage. That did not come to pass and I accepted it. After she got into her forties I agreed about the concern over her health and the child's. I am now 41 and she is 47.....now that the divorce is imminent one thing that I wonder is could I now have the chance to have a child? The one drawback is I always felt a better connection to older females. I guess if I want children, older women is a definite no.
Some things do not make sense when it happens but it "all comes out in the wash." Due to finances we will remain living in the same house after the divorce. TBH.....I can't see her ever moving out because she handles finances about as bad as you could imagine. I wanted it to work out but it seems as if it will not. Who knows what the future will hold, it's hard to "miss" the other when you're still living under the same roof.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Agreed with Chuck. My STBXW said many of the same things to me ... I didn't help enough and I spent too much time on the computer. But during our relationship she would often joke that we worked well as she could watch crappy tv while I played a game or something.
> 
> Mine never said a word to me about being unhappy, but has since said that I didn't pay enough attention to notice she was unhappy. I was shocked by that and didn't believe it at all. But I think it comes down to the way men and women communicate. She thought she was giving me signals ... And I never picked up on them. Men for the most part are blunt and need the direct approach.
> 
> ...


WOW just like my scenario. I would play a game on computer while she watch her shows i didnt like. I thought we were making a compromise, since we only had 1 tv. She could do her thing, while i did mine. Granted i got better towards the end (or i thought i did) on watching the shows with her (even i didnt like it). But i guess she moved on already. SUCKS BIG TIME.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

legiox said:


> WOW just like my scenario. I would play a game on computer while she watch her shows i didnt like. I thought we were making a compromise, since we only had 1 tv. She could do her thing, while i did mine. Granted i got better towards the end (or i thought i did) on watching the shows with her (even i didnt like it). But i guess she moved on already. SUCKS BIG TIME.


Everywhere is the same , just read the opening threads 

And all this - neglected me, didn't pay attention to me, didn't help with household , didn't send me card and flowers etc - is just a BIG BS and excuses .

The truth is they got bored , this is why they started looking for exiting things . And when they get it ( from OM/OW ) then you get the " I love you but not in love with you " BS !


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Everywhere is the same , just read the opening threads
> 
> And all this - neglected me, didn't pay attention to me, didn't help with household , didn't send me card and flowers etc - is just a BIG BS and excuses .
> 
> The truth is they got bored , this is why they started looking for exiting things . And when they get it ( from OM/OW ) then you get the " I love you but not in love with you " BS !


So true is scary! She gave me that line when she moved all her crap out. She is now living with a friend, so she doesnt pay rent or anything of that nature. But she can't live there forever, and everybody is telling me when she has to pay rent and everything else, while just working as a bar tender/waitress then everything will all come crashing down.

The good thing is, she has been going to school to hopefully finish her BA for 10 years. Yeah thats right...10 years. She will be 30 years old by the time she has a good paying/steady job and i don't owe her a cent with her college debt..hahah


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

--- neglected me, didn't pay attention to me, didn't help with household , didn't send me card and flowers etc ---

has allot to do with the detachment , don't get me wrong but in order to not get bored it needs constant " adventure " , attention , affection and all you can think of it ... with 2 words 24/7 job


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