# Explaining an EA



## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Has anyone tried to explain what an EA is to your spouse? Or an affair fog? If so, what were the results?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

is your spouse the cheater, or cheatee?


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> is your spouse the cheater, or cheatee?


My spouse is the cheater. My thread is a couple below this one with all the details.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From the website at the end of the post:


You suspect your spouse of being in an emotional affair. Or you yourself may be in one, but are in denial. How do you recognize such an affair? What are the emotional affair signs to look for? Here, you’ll discover what the typical signs of emotional infidelity are…

Emotional Affair Signs – What Is An Emotional Affair ?

Before we go into the emotional affair signs, it’s worth just remembering what an emotional affair is. When someone is investing a lot of time and energy outside of their marriage / relationship with another person, and they share very deep emotional feelings and secrets with that person, to such an extent that it forms what might be called ‘emotional distance’ in the marriage / relationship, then that person is having an emotional affair.

This isn’t the same as a sexual affair where a key element is the sex, because emotional infidelity doesn’t include sexual activity. Nevertheless, its impact on a marriage or committed relationship can be devastating. It’s interesting to note here that its impact differs according to the sex of the party who has been hurt. Research shows that women tend to be hurt by an emotional affair more than men, who seem to be more hurt by sexual infidelity.

So let’s now look at emotional affair signs :-

Emotional Affair Signs Checklist
•The ‘cheater’ keeps their ‘friendship’ secret from their partner.
•They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners.
•They do all they can to hide those calls and text messages.
•When confronted by a partner, they deny any wrongdoing and may accuse their partner of being silly, of looking for something that doesn’t exist.
•They can even become aggressive when being quizzed about their friendship.
•Their responses are often centered around things like “he’s/she’s just a friend,” “he’s/she’s a good listener,” “it’s only about work,” etc.
•The cheater looks to spend more and more time out of the house with their friend.
•The cheater actually looks forward to spending time with their friend rather than with their spouse or partner.
•They tell their friend things that they don’t even share with their spouse / partner.
•Cheaters spend less time having meaningful conversations with their spouse.
•They are less interested in sex with their spouse or partner.
•They can sometimes behave in ways with their friend that they would never have done with their spouse or partner.
•They conjure up reasons to give their friends gifts.
•Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc.

If you are the one being cheated, you may or may not recognize all or some of these emotional affair signs. And if you are the one who has a special ‘friend,’ you might want to digest the list above to see if your friendship has developed into an emotional affair, perhaps without your knowing?

Whichever is the case, emotional affair signs need to be addressed at once, by both the innocent spouse / partner and the cheater. Failure to recognize the signs early on, and address them correctly, can leave a marriage or committed relationship in tatters.

But there are correct and incorrect ways to tackle the affair. Taking the correct actions now, in the correct sequence can help to rescue a marriage or relationship. Blundering in without knowing the correct steps and techniques can help to hasten its destruction.

As well as discussing emotional affair signs, Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s report ‘How to Survive an Affair’ takes you by the hand, and step-by-careful-step, shows you just how to get over an emotional affair and save your marriage. If you wish to, you can download it here. http://www.emotionalaffairsite.com/emotional-affair-signs/emotional-affair-signs-checklist


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. Hubs and I just researched what it was. I already knew what it was, but I wanted him to be aware of it as well. There are a lot of websites that can explain it.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea. Hubs and I just researched what it was. I already knew what it was, but I wanted him to be aware of it as well. There are a lot of websites that can explain it.


Should I try to explain this to my wife (the cheater)? She's not out of the fog, I don't think, and keeps saying that their talks or whatever wasn't cheating. Cheating means sex to her. 

She's planning to move out soon. I have a thread on here with all the details.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My H had an EA years ago while married to his first wife; he still doesn't quite get what it was...EAs are just as much a threat as PAs. He knew it was wrong because of the amount of secrecy involved, but was a firm believer that since there was no sex, it wasn't an affair. I think that many of us here on TAM beg to differ!

As a couple, we have decided on the following boundary within our marriage: if you wouldn't send that text/make that call/write that email/flirt with that person in front of your W/H, then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all.

It's so dangerous, though...EAs can progress like a brushfire. You really have to know yourself, your boundaries, and potential dangerous situations (and avoid those situations). Personally, I try to behave as though my spouse is able to see everything I do...

JMO.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

By the time I understood what an EA was, and had found information on it, my exwife was so sure that all this had to have happened for some "universal reasoning" of not being in love anymore, that it was too late to do anything. She had her hand on the divorce button long before I even knew what was happening, and still listening to the 'I Love You's'...

Presenting her with an article about it led to her being insulted and thinking I was trying to ruin her trip to New Orleans with her girlfriends.
bunch of fking birds, I tell ya.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

When I made mention of the affair fog, it absolutely did not resonate with her and she looked at me like WTF was I going on about? That she was just "checked out" and it had nothing to do with the relationships that she was having outside the marriage. I will probably always wonder if she will ever get it someday.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

I guess my question really is... if I try to explain to my wife what an emotional affair is, could that possibly be enough to snap her out of the funk she seems to be in?

My wife is a very logical, intelligent person. But since her EA started, she's been very irrational and the opposite of the person I fell in love with.

She's only remembering the bad times/bad things that happened in our marriage. Should I show her pictures or talk about all the good things that have happened?

Has anyone tried this approach?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Whooof! That's a good question; right now, I'm so focused on making sure we're both educated on the topic and avoiding it, that I never thought about what I'd do if faced with it. (Besides have a nervous breakdown, of course)...

You should try to find some of Entropy3000 posts - his wife pulled him out of an EA if memory serves me right, with great success. He gives valuable advice.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

bmichael said:


> I guess my question really is... if I try to explain to my wife what an emotional affair is, could that possibly be enough to snap her out of the funk she seems to be in?


Highly unlikely. HIGHLY. Logic does not work with people who's minds are comprimised by drugs. Most likely scenario, you start going in circles. If for some reason she cracks and admits its an affair, you will go directly from being gaslighted to listening to foggy talk. 



bmichael said:


> My wife is a very logical, intelligent person. But since her EA started, she's been very irrational and the opposite of the person I fell in love with.


She's not the person you fell in love with. She lives in a fantasy world, compelled, single minded and fixated on the object of her desire (source of drug).



bmichael said:


> She's only remembering the bad times/bad things that happened in our marriage. Should I show her pictures or talk about all the good things that have happened?


You will appear desperate, it will make things worse. Stop chasing, let go. 



bmichael said:


> Has anyone tried this approach?


Yes. No, it didnt work. Gave many flashes of false hope though.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Highly unlikely. HIGHLY. Logic does not work with people who's minds are comprimised by drugs. Most likely scenario, you start going in circles. If for some reason she cracks and admits its an affair, you will go directly from being gaslighted to listening to foggy talk.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah, that's about what I thought.

After being with her for over 20 years, since we were both kids, it's so difficult to let go. I'm trying to implement the 180 and I'm having good and bad days with it. Internally, that is.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As someone who was in an EA up to my eyeballs I'll tell you that Pit's post is pretty much dead on.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I was in one once as a single gal - he was married. It was awful when it ended....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnS (Jan 24, 2012)

I'm old fashioned but if it has the word affair in it...well lets call it what it is. An affair. Sorry, but sometimes people muddy the water with fancy titles and circumstances that they think are different from everyone else. Good luck to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I was in one once as a single gal - he was married. It was awful when it ended....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who ended it? Were you both into the EA or just one of you? My ex husband was in an EA but given the behavior of the other woman, I don't think she was into it. It was more like she was yanking his chain.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ShawnS said:


> I'm old fashioned but if it has the word affair in it...well lets call it what it is. An affair. Sorry, but sometimes people muddy the water with fancy titles and circumstances that they think are different from everyone else. Good luck to you.


True, but the people in it think it's not an affair because they haven't f#cked yet.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

bmichael said:


> I guess my question really is... if I try to explain to my wife what an emotional affair is, could that possibly be enough to snap her out of the funk she seems to be in?
> 
> My wife is a very logical, intelligent person. But since her EA started, she's been very irrational and the opposite of the person I fell in love with.
> 
> ...


I was so mad as my wife (because of the EA) that I was the one who had to remember the good times. Going over them (I think) can't hurt. At least know what you might be screwing up or loosing.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

X-unknown said:


> I was so mad as my wife (because of the EA) that I was the one who had to remember the good times. Going over them (I think) can't hurt. At least know what you might be screwing up or loosing.


It's my wife that I want to remember the good times, which is a familiar saying with her. Her late father said it over and over while he was on his death bed and she has a bracelet with it engraved in it.

Yet, in our situation, all she's remembering are the bad times and the arguments. That's why I thought maybe, going over the good times might help the situation but I don't want to make it worse.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

bmichael said:


> It's my wife that I want to remember the good times, which is a familiar saying with her. Her late father said it over and over while he was on his death bed and she has a bracelet with it engraved in it.
> 
> Yet, in our situation, all she's remembering are the bad times and the arguments. That's why I thought maybe, going over the good times might help the situation but I don't want to make it worse.


You have to trust that she will go through those times in her head, and trust that her fathers words (and her 'mantra') have stuck... You can't play that card. If you do, there is a chance that she will not only take it as a desperation (relationship/reconciliation kryptonite) she will also take it as manipulative. If she's played the "controlling" card (they almost always do) it plays right into this role she has written you into. This will be taking as a form of cohersion... Sick as it is, you have to let nature take it's course here. You can not force this on her, your the 'bad guy' right now. 

She's built a BIG WALL between you and her heart, you are what's preventing her from what she percieves as 'happiness' (ie; you are what stops her from basking in her drug.. or what she may think is 'destiny',(lol) or what's 'meant to be'. Stoping her from uniting with her 'clandenstined soulmate') I know that's sick to even say, and very twisted but that's how her mind is working right now.

If you had a trusted 3rd party who was still in your W's good graces, the message delivered by that person _might_ hit the mark but stilll... I just dont think so. 

Im sorry man, this is my experience with this and as frustrating as it is... your best bet is to back off and regroup, you have to convey strength. 

You have one big shot to expose, and drop a swift bomb on your DS to clear the fog.. If you half a$$ it or it doesn't work, you have to back off. Trickle exposure, manipulation, desperation, and all these other things will do the opposite of what you intend at this point.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

bmichael said:


> It's my wife that I want to remember the good times, which is a familiar saying with her. Her late father said it over and over while he was on his death bed and she has a bracelet with it engraved in it.
> 
> Yet, in our situation, all she's remembering are the bad times and the arguments. That's why I thought maybe, going over the good times might help the situation but I don't want to make it worse.


If your trying to solve this solo I guess I don't know. If there is an opening to have some expert input I would strongly advise that. 

We are working with a Tdoc (Couples Therapist) who thinks that going over high points in our marriage is a positive thing. I think we repaint things when we are angry hurt etc. All the funny, cute things that happened become annoying, stupid etc. I think that remembering the good times is important in a marriage (Goofed up or not)

Having someone whose is a trained expert (Tdoc) tell her, "This is an Emotional Affair that you are having" is strong mojo. There are a couple of books that helped us. "Not just friends" - S. Glass and uhh.... Dang can't remember the title but its a very small book for the cheater that talks about how to help your betrayed spouse. Chapter 8 of Not Just Friends (If I remember right) is a good one for the cheater to read. The rest of the book is more for you.

And that brings up the last thing (Which again is only Internet 2 cents worth of rubbish - probably) If your "going nuts" about this talk to your doctor and tell him / her what your going through. I've read a number of things about going on anti depressant meds to help you deal with this in a rational way without giving yourself a stroke or just reacting in total anger. This can ruin your health if you let it eat away at you. No lie!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

X-unknown said:


> We are working with a Tdoc (Couples Therapist) who thinks that going over high points in our marriage is a positive thing.


IMO It's very positive, If you have the "we". There is no "we" in this case. Remembering good times, and focusing on the positives is a great tool for reconciliation when you are working _together_ to save the relationship. When it's one forcing it on the other, it's not so good. Save that card for when its useful, its wasted now. my2c.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Who ended it? Were you both into the EA or just one of you? My ex husband was in an EA but given the behavior of the other woman, I don't think she was into it. It was more like she was yanking his chain.


Both of us, but he baited and caught me, hook, line and sinker. I was alone and bored; he knew it. I met him at work before he took an early retirement. As he was leaving, he asked for my email. Innocent enough, right? Wrong. Within a couple of weeks, he had me logging in to MSN Messenger at 10:30 pm every night during the week, because that's when his wife left for work. We would turn on our webcams, and moon at each other all night, typing sweet nothings. He made it clear what he was interested in, an eventual face to face meeting. He also made it clear that he was never leaving his wife. I knew at the time that this was happening, that it was wrong, but I allowed it to continue. He would describe in great detail what our eventual meeting would be like; it would be magical, he promised. He demanded exclusivity, while making me wait for this meet up. I obliged, had no one else anyway...but I was getting fed up of waiting and being lonely, and after about 6 weeks or so, I went to a party with someone else that I'd met at work (a guy). We kissed at the end of the night (that's all) and I told my EA partner about it; he went into a jealous rage and eventually stopped talking to me. I was devastated. I couldn't even go into work for 3 days over this. I could barely get out of bed! Ridiculous, eh? I got over it relatively quickly, and ended up feeling stupid and used. He knew exactly what he was doing, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't the first victim to fall prey to him and his on line antics. He still tries to email me every now and then; the first few times, I shot him down. He claimed to want to 'be friends'...Now, I just ignore him. We know people in common from the company; he still asks about me after 3 years. A true predator.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

What a psycho. He got pissed because you "cheated" on him while he was cheating on his wife!!! That guy's twisted - I feel sorry for his wife and family.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> What a psycho. He got pissed because you "cheated" on him while he was cheating on his wife!!! That guy's twisted - I feel sorry for his wife and family.


Exactly! I was in the fog, but not deep enough not to know that that's what he was doing. Somehow, I still knew that it was BS for him to expect that of me, and I was keeping my options open, as any normal single person would.


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