# I must recover for his sake



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, officially, and have been placed in a treatment program. It happened quite suddenly and quite by surprise, at least to me. One moment I was sitting in the waiting room and the next, my therapist was calling my husband and my parents. I felt entirely like a child in the headmaster's office. It was seriously embarrassing for my parents have been informed of my condition. Thankfully I can remain at home for now, as opposed to being admitted full-time to a treatment facility, but my therapist insisted on informing everyone in my real life so that they can make me eat as she deems appropriate. My husband is coming to meet with the doctor on, I believe, Friday, and my parents are coming to meet with her the week after that. Sometime soon I have a meeting with a dietician. Earlier I was terrified of the idea, but I would rather get it over with now. 

My poor husband has bought me any and every food that I've asked for-mostly vegetables and low-calorie ice cream- in a bid to get me to eat. Vegetable sandwiches and whey-based frozen desserts are just about the only things I tolerate at present. I feel terrible for making him do this, and terrible in general that I tend to self-destruct every few months.

For the moment I'm just trying to survive until my next appointment, and trying to get on some kind of sleeping schedule. It's three in the morning, so venture a guess on how well that's going.

I absolutely have to get my life back together so that I can be the wife my dear husband deserves. We spent the evening tonight cuddling in bed, and I showered him with kisses. He's such a dear man and I adore him, and he's truly a saint for looking after me.

I just thought I'd give you an update so you won't assume I've died or something. This is generally a fantastic community and I'm happy to have found it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Very sorry to hear this, Ella. 

Eating disorders often involve control issues. Do you feel you may be putting unnecessary pressure on yourself in some areas?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Ella ~ I'll be ardently praying for you, your H, and your entire family!

You can do this, girl!*


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Very sorry to hear this, Ella.
> 
> Eating disorders often involve control issues. Do you feel you may be putting unnecessary pressure on yourself in some areas?


In quite a few areas... Not so much unnecessary pressure, but unnecessary blame. I tend to blame myself for my vocal injury in 2014 which ended my budding opera career. It was then that I began to periodically starve myself. I don't think that's a coincidence.
@arbitrator- Thank you muchly


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

My aunt has suffered with eating disorders all her adult life, and it is a constant battle, but _not_ insurmountable. 

Take it one day at a time, and remember that you can't change the past. What's done is done, each moment you spend regretting past decisions is a moment wasted that you could have spent changing the future. 

I'll keep you in my prayers. 

God bless. xx


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I have not been coping well. I've continued losing weight, and when I do allow myself to eat as most people do, I feel compelled to punish myself for it through starvation. I have not eaten in a full day. And I do not intend to eat for another twelve hours or more. I have no real reason to behave this way. I do so because if I do not, I will hate myself, yet I also hate myself because I do this. My poor husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I have not been coping well. I've continued losing weight, and when I do allow myself to eat as most people do, I feel compelled to punish myself for it through starvation. I have not eaten in a full day. And I do not intend to eat for another twelve hours or more. I have no real reason to behave this way. I do so because if I do not, I will hate myself, yet I also hate myself because I do this. My poor husband.


Have you told them this?

You can beat this. We know you can. We have seen your tenacity. This is just another fight that you will win.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Have you told them this?
> 
> You can beat this. We know you can. We have seen your tenacity. This is just another fight that you will win.


I appreciate your kindness, and your faith in me. And yes, I've told them. My psychologist wants me to up my calorie intake again, starting next Tuesday. I will try to comply but I don't know if I will be able to do so. I am only in an outpatient setting, so it's not as though I'm being watched every hour. The only person who knows precisely how often I fast and how much (or little) I eat is my husband, who tells me I am already too thin and must gain weight. However in the next breath he'll tell me he'll make sure I don't eat any cookies when I tell him I don't want to go out for fear that my starving brain will compel me to eat any desserts I see. Anyone's opinions on my eating habits or my weight confuse me, as I try to figure out whether they think I should eat more or less or...?

I have a feeling undernourishment is tampering with my cognition.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

First off, find a protein drink that you can stomach.

This will "Ensure" you get enough nourishment.

Take a daily multivitamin, also.
...........................................................................................

On your eating disorder:

I suspect that you are very conflicted in your life.

Two things are pushing you.
a) What YOU want to do with your life.
b) What others want you to do with your life.......or what you think others want you to do with it, what you want to accomplish.

You believe that you are living your life for others, to please others, not yourself.

Another thing, when you do not eat enough calories your blood sugar drops and you cannot think clearly. You are tired. You spiral down. Want to sleep all the time. At least eat hard candy during the day. The brain runs on sugar.

You feel trapped. Decide what YOU want in this life. Come up with a plan. Not eating is, well.........slow suicide. Is punishing yourself for not making the changes that you want in life. 

Is laying down and giving up. Don't give up!

Keep attending IC.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

A post I just wrote on Coping with Infidelity made me realize that I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself, ever. I deny myself food because I think I would be more beautiful and more worthy of love if I were thinner, and I tell myself that the constant hunger and fatigue and the bruises everywhere are just the price I have to pay to be thin, to be lovely, to be lovable. But I would always advise the opposite to anyone else, even and especially people who aren't generally well-loved or well-respected.

Part of me wants so badly to eat a granola bar. I'm not even terribly physically hungry; I just want to eat it because it would be an act of self-love, and I feel I should be able to extend the same kindness to myself that I would to anyone else. But I know I wouldn't be able to control or stop the barrage of self-deprecating thoughts that would follow it for the rest of the day... maybe even the week. I'm still berating myself for some Mongolian shrimp I had on Thursday.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> A post I just wrote on Coping with Infidelity made me realize that I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself, ever. I deny myself food because I think I would be more beautiful and more worthy of love if I were thinner, and I tell myself that the constant hunger and fatigue and the bruises everywhere are just the price I have to pay to be thin, to be lovely, to be lovable. But I would always advise the opposite to anyone else, even and especially people who aren't generally well-loved or well-respected.
> 
> Part of me wants so badly to eat a granola bar. I'm not even terribly physically hungry; I just want to eat it because it would be an act of self-love, and I feel I should be able to extend the same kindness to myself that I would to anyone else. But I know I wouldn't be able to control or stop the barrage of self-deprecating thoughts that would follow it for the rest of the day... maybe even the week. I'm still berating myself for some Mongolian shrimp I had on Thursday.


(((Ella)))


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> (((Ella)))


Thanks JLD ((((hugs)))) :smile2:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Is your husband taking any initiative to help you, Ella? Has the counselor given him any suggestions?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Is your husband taking any initiative to help you, Ella? Has the counselor given him any suggestions?


The counselor suggested that he stop talking in terms of "willpower" when it comes to my eating habits or lack thereof, and that he learn more about what an eating disorder is and how it makes one think. He's been trying to do both.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I have been put on a meal plan, but over the last three days I have not abided by it. Friday was Cinco de Mayo and my husband and I went out to celebrate with friends and ended up having burritos. Saturday was dear Mr. Suaveterre's birthday, and my parents ended up taking us both out to eat. I was so stuffed from all the grilled shrimp I couldn't bear to eat dinner. And then today he and I went out to the fair and I ended up having pizza.

So on the one hand my eating habits have normalized. My cycle has returned and I've stopped bruising like a peach. My husband reminds all the time that I look healthier and more alive. On the other hand I've gained 5 pounds and I do not like the way the added weight sits on me. My husband and I can't afford to put me into residential treatment, though, so I suppose I'm staying at my current weight. All's well that ends well except for the self-loathing, which I'm sure I will come to grips with in time.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Self-loathing is a tough one. It can be so hard to love ourselves.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

My heart goes out to you Ella. 
My daughter was diagnosed with ED a few years ago. Because she was 17 she qualified for an in hospital program. The method they used was the Maudsley method. She had to eat 6 small high calorie meals/snacks a day. One of her family members( or a nurse if we werent available) sat with her during these times. We also ate. We supported her while she ate by distracting her - tv, conversation, playing cards....these meals were the hardest things for her. She cried, - alot. But she is very intelligent (as I suspect you are too) and the dedicated brain that allowed her to starve herself also was able to be strong enough with support to recover. Its not easy. Its not as simple as just recovering the wieght. The brain has to heal. You need to learn CBT tools to help you rewire your thinking to avoid a relapse.



When your in starvation mode your brain as well as other organs starts to atrophy. Although she was being hospitalized and told she could die if she didnt start to gain weight she was unable to wrap her head around the fact that her choices were not in her best interest. Intellectually she knew that if what the dr was saying was true then there was a problem (sort of) but emotionally she was unable to get the ED voices to quiet. She stayed in and was refed for about 2 months. She came home and we took over. She was unable to visit friends or go to school for awhile. She used her sport as motivation. She was unable to return to it or any other excercise until it was medically safe for her to do this.

Your ED is a form of OCD. Your brain is misfiring and telling you your mustnt eat, you must lose weight...Those are obsessive intrusional erroneous thoughts. The starving behaviour is your compulsive act to try and relieve the anxiety. You have an over focused brain that is stuck in a never ending loop. If you can get some CBT covered- commit to a program. If not read whatever you can get your hands on to help. Have your husband read about the maudsley method.

Food is your medicine. Your brain once starved is compromised and unable to think rationally about this until you restore your weight. It takes about 18 months for it to fully regain its proper wiring.

My daughter recovered fully. She went to university away from home and was able to keep her ED in check even with the stress of school and 2 jobs and her sport. It is not always easy. When the ED voices come she labels them as her ED talking and moves on to another thought. If she dreams of food she takes it as a sign she had been retricting so will be more conscious and make sure she gets in enough calories the next day. 


do what you need to do to get back your life. get help.educate yourself. and others. there is medication that can help- it is the same medication they use to treat OCD.I will say a prayer for you,
God bless.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> My heart goes out to you Ella.
> My daughter was diagnosed with ED a few years ago. Because she was 17 she qualified for an in hospital program. The method they used was the Maudsley method. She had to eat 6 small high calorie meals/snacks a day. One of her family members( or a nurse if we werent available) sat with her during these times. We also ate. We supported her while she ate by distracting her - tv, conversation, playing cards....these meals were the hardest things for her. She cried, - alot. But she is very intelligent (as I suspect you are too) and the dedicated brain that allowed her to starve herself also was able to be strong enough with support to recover. Its not easy. Its not as simple as just recovering the wieght. The brain has to heal. You need to learn CBT tools to help you rewire your thinking to avoid a relapse.
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you so much. I've gained about 15 pounds since my last post and it's scaring me to death. But my therapist said if I can eat normally during my vacation to England she will consider not harping me so much about gaining more. It's absolutely horrifying to see myself in the mirror now that I'm almost "weight-restored". All I can see are mountains and oceans of fat... which I know is a malfunction of my brain or my eyes or something. What I don't see anymore are my ribs. I know it sounds strange but I used to be so proud of my visible ribs. It's hard to accept that dieting and thinness aren't part of my life anymore. Even though obsessing about my weight was mentally and physically exhausting, I liked it because it distracted me from all my other problems. It was impossible to think about school or friends or my poor husband or political issues or ANYTHING while I was thinking about what I weighed and how little I could manage to eat. In a way, it was a kind of relief. Now I have to find a way to cope with all those real-life problems without thinking about dieting, and it's not easy.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Ella- My heart hurts for your pain. I saw it in my daughter as well. She hated putting the weight back on and saw what your mind sees as well. You are right to understand that it is your ED talking. Try and catagorize those types of thoughts as not belonging to you but to your ED. When they come- reassure yourself it isnt true- it is the ED talking and move on to another thought. You cant stop the thoughts but you can deal with them by labelling them and letting them go. 

I understand completely how the ED has been used by you as a coping mechanism for the stresses in your life. My daughters ED started when she too was overly stressed. She was competing in several sports, had a new boyfriend, school to deal with, and who knows what stressors her dad and I contributed to her difficult time. By being overly focused on losing weight you are able to think of nothing else in the moment. It does feel like relief in a weird sort of way. That relief becomes a go to way to cope. 

I also have an over focussed brain. You may have read some of my posts on the infidelity forum. I have been using all my thoughts and efforts to discover evidence that my H is/was cheating. It started at a time when I was highly stressed. My parents were dying and I was working full time with 3 adult kids at home. Although the thought of my H having an A was distressing beyond belief, the thoughts about my parents suffering and their eventual death were worse. I noticed in the beginning that when I would start to feel anxious about their condition- I would immediately start to look for evidence or review the "evidence" that I had. It did feel like relief in the moment. I would become numb.

The problem is your particular brain takes this coping method to an unhealthy pathological degree. It convinces itself that if it can think a thought (i need to lose weight) (my husband is cheating) it is true. Those conditions produce anxiety and your behaviour (restricting) (mine-searching for clues) reduces the anxiety in the moment. You can think of nothing else while you are concentrating on the obsession. 

The tough part of recovery is your brain resists at first. Separate the ED brain's thoughts, recognize them, label them, put them in a box on a shelf or let them float away on a cloud and move on to the next thought.

Easier said than done. 

You are highly intelligent. You recognize intellectually that it isnt really about the weight at all. It is about anxiety, coping, and an overly detailed orientated, focused brain with OCD tendencies.

After 2 1/2 years I started medication. It has not cured me but the relief it has brought is immeasurable. The thought is still there but it can be tempered with a label. (that is a thought only- it doesnt mean its true- let it go - move on to a different thought.) 

My daughter recovered with therapy and refeeding without medication. It is a long process but it is so worth it.
At the end of the tunnel you will regain your life. You will have brain space and time to live a fully with your family. You will find an internal contentment and have tools to deal with your anxiety. Settle for nothing less. 

I wish you could see my daughter now. She is beautiful inside and out. Her body isnt weak and skeletal -it is strong and beautiful and healthy. Her body serves her well. She runs, she plays hockey -it helps with stress. (she didnt do any of that till she had regained her weight plus a few pounds extra to compensate for the upcoming activity) She eats a healthy varied diet that supports her brain. She enjoys food and life again. She quiets the voices when they come and moves on. It isnt always easy. Sometimes I see her choose an outfit that hides her shape. I know that is a day that is hard for her. Most days- I see her triumph over the ED and celebrate her body for its youth and strength and all it can do for her. The best days are the days when it never enters her mind.

Be strong Ella. Let that kernal of understanding deep inside your compromised brain win out. You are still in there waiting to come out and live your best life. Where do you want to be in 5 years? 2 years? Do you want to be consumed with ED thoughts, weakened mentally and physically? Having a life that is so narrow and small? Or do you want to be happy? Do you want to see yourself enjoying your husband and familys company? Do you want to embrace life and all its gifts and opportunities?.

You are so worth it. Keep working at it. God Bless.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Oh gods, I just got back from my holiday and found out I weigh 115 pounds. I feel so disgusted with myself. I worked and toiled and made myself horrifyingly ill to get rid of that weight, and it was all for nothing. And the worst part is that I'm still being monitored by doctors so I can't just stop eating if I don't want to be either hospitalized or removed from therapy.. I have school so I can't just stop eating if I want to be able to focus on my studies. I donate plasma for extra spending money so I can't just stop eating if I want to buy new clothes and spa products. I have actual reasons to keep this (disgusting, awful, ugly) 15 pounds on. 

But I gave up so much to get rid of it, and now my hard work was for nothing.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Hey sweetie, I feel for you and as an ED survivor as well I can relate to you on some level.

Looking back I realised my ED stemmed from low self-esteem & poor body image. My whole life I wanted to be liked and thought if I was prettier or thin, people would like me. Do you have self-esteem issues and what do you think contributed to them? You need to get to the root of the problem and tackle. You need to be confident again and see the beautiful person you are. The way you talk about and appreciate your husband tells me what a great person you are, so that's one 

Please get counselling for both your eating disorder & mental state. I recommend medication to help with your moods and if you suffer from depression as well.

I only had an ED for a year. At the time I was 105 lbs & thought I was a whale lol. I became OBSESSED, developed both anorexia & bulimia. I would go for days without eating, surviving on water & mints. & when my hunger became intolerable I would binge like crazyy and then either vomit or overdose on laxatives. The breaking point came when I took 47 laxative pills after 2 weeks of constipation, I got ill & was admitted to the hospital. At the time I was 83 lbs and miserable. 

I got over it one day when I had seen a photograph of myself & realised how gaunt & hideous I looked. I then focused instead on my face, developed Body Dysmorphia (BDD) & social anxiety & that is another story altogether. I am happy to say that I am now ED, BDD & anxiety free though I still have many other issues to address.

You need to first work on your self-worth. Be your own best friend. Learn to love yourself & realise your beauty. I am no expert but I think you need to push yourself to do fulfilling activities, have a great support system, attend counselling, take medications and ultimately alter your thinking & perception towards yourself. 

Having an ED is hard, being married to a spouse with an ED would be hard too, I can imagine. Your husband chose to stand by you and love you during this difficult time because it is evident he loves you and sees your great qualities. You are LOVABLE so please learn to love yourself! I wish you all the best ? <3


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