# He calls himself a sociopath- how to have a relationship?



## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

I’ve been involved with a guy who's repeatedly told me he’s a sociopath, he "feels nothing" for anyone other than his son and can't ever love again. He may still be married- regardless he randomly left his wife & son and moved 1000 miles away even though he had a perfectly good job on the West Coast, and she refused to follow him and they’ve been apart for years now and hardly ever see each other (so he hardly ever sees his son). but he stayed put even though he could’ve had his old job back. He tells me he doesn’t want commitment but cares about me. But even though he cares, he is incapable of showing it and that’s why his wife abandoned him. I’ve been trying to show him I accept him as he is and would not abandon him. My hope is that then he’ll feel secure enough and want to be with me for real. Any advice on this? He totally just pushes me away but I genuinely enjoy the sociopathic relationship for whatever reasons


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Maybe you should read up on sociopaths. Reddit or Quora may have message boards for that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So he says he loves his son but completely abandons him and his wife and moves 1000 miles away. He then says he can't show you he cares and wants no committment, and also hasn't even been bothered to divorce his wife. 
I find it hard to understand what you think will happen. I think you are doomed to failure with him.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

“He calls himself a sociopath- how to have a relationship?”

Um, you don’t...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Drop your hopium pipe. You can’t fix this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Dump him.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You have more issues than him. You’re hoping to fix him, but it’s you that needs fixing.

He’s really happy the way he is, he’s told you so, his past tells you everything.

I think you should worry about yourself, but I’m not sure you’re going to do that, your Mind seems made up.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> You have more issues than him. You’re hoping to fix him, but it’s you that needs fixing.
> 
> He’s really happy the way he is, he’s told you so, his past tells you everything.
> 
> I think you should worry about yourself, but I’m not sure you’re going to do that, your Mind seems made up.


Yeah, good points. All I seem to want is to figure out how to keep him in my life because - strangely- I consider times with him some of my happiest moments. So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect... seriously you’d see us together and wonder what I was doing but I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him’.

Now that’s got to frighten anyone, you including.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Plastics567 said:


> Yeah, good points. All I seem to want is to figure out how to keep him in my life because - strangely- I consider times with him some of my happiest moments. So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect... seriously you’d see us together and wonder what I was doing but I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him


It doesnt sound as if you are getting through to him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Plastics567 said:


> Yeah, good points. All I seem to want is to figure out how to keep him in my life because - strangely- I consider times with him some of my happiest moments. So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect... seriously you’d see us together and wonder what I was doing but I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him


I say this gently. Get a life.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What others have mentioned is true, but you won't believe them. Maybe I should share my story.

I am (or was, I'm not quite sure now) a sociopath and your 'boyfriend' is/was a kindred soul. With several exceptions, for one, I have a moral compass based on my own perception of right and wrong, and I try not to be a selfish asshole out of principle not emotions (as it benefits me much more to be 'normal' and what you would consider a 'functional sociopath'). I was also married and I have a daughter, my daughter too was the only one I could seemingly have a weakness for.

The partners that I had, including my ex-wife, I tried to love as best I could, and I thought I did. For the longest time I thought love was all willpower, commitment, not emotional vulnerability and connection. Are you familiar with the ILYBNILWY speech? I love you but not in love with you? It was like that with my ex-wife but I simply did not know better until 3 years ago. In truth I could have persisted in that marriage and lasted as I did not know better, if not for the other issues we faced.

Regardless I had several partners before my marriage (in which I agreed due to a sense of responsibility after impregnating her), and after divorce. Majority of these relationships were FWBs, as I could not even 'love' them in a way that would be to my own standard of 'loving' someone, remember - note that I was never *in* love with any of them. Over time the relationships ended when they realised I wasn't bullsh-ting them about the fact that I could not give them a future. Eventually I realised no matter what I told them women would still believe they can somehow change me, and become that special someone for me. But it's a fairy tale, a dream, it will never happen. So I went celibate, tired of it all.

But it did happen to me, 3 years ago. And I fell in love with her immediately, and I gave her my commitment and felt a draw to care and comfort her and I saw a future in her eyes. I did not treat her like my ex-wife or the women before her, I did not tell her I don't want commitment, I did not tell her my issues and then tell her to accept it, I told her my issues and told her I wanted to work on them. I did not tell her I'm incapable of showing it, I told her I do have trouble showing it and worked on matching her love language. Do you see the difference? That's love. But it wasn't easy, despite the connection I can still be triggered to emotional shutdown and it could take time for her to 'thaw' me out, and when I do thaw I feel grief and sadness, emotions compressed and unexpressed during the time they were frozen. It takes a lot of patience on her part and patience is actually her weakness. Again, that's love on her part.

So sadly, look at my story and do you see how you sound like every other woman that I had before, and definitely NOT the woman I have now. So seriously, for your own sake, have some standards for yourself and move on. You need to find your special someone and so does he, sadly, he isn't yours and you ain't his. But hey if you want to carry on like my past FWBs even my ex-wife it's up to you. But that's that.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Plastics567 said:


> So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect...


......and his redeeming qualities are...?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Plastics567 said:


> Yeah, good points. All I seem to want is to figure out how to keep him in my life because - strangely- I consider times with him some of my happiest moments. So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect... seriously you’d see us together and wonder what I was doing but I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him


Make sure you are both rendered incapable of reproducing and enjoy.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Plastics567 said:


> I’ve been involved with a guy who's repeatedly told me he’s a sociopath, he "feels nothing" for anyone other than his son and can't ever love again. He may still be married- regardless he randomly left his wife & son and moved 1000 miles away even though he had a perfectly good job on the West Coast, and she refused to follow him and they’ve been apart for years now and hardly ever see each other (so he hardly ever sees his son). but he stayed put even though he could’ve had his old job back. *He tells me he doesn’t want commitment but cares about me. But even though he cares, he is incapable of showing it and that’s why his wife abandoned him*. I’ve been trying to show him I accept him as he is and would not abandon him. My hope is that then he’ll feel secure enough and want to be with me for real. Any advice on this? He totally just pushes me away but I genuinely enjoy the sociopathic relationship for whatever reasons


One of the uncomfortable truths about people that I have come to accept is that when a person tells you what they want, even if it's something you don't want to hear, sometimes you need to listen. He doesn't want a commitment. You seem like you do. So move on to someone who wants the same kind of relationship as you. It doesn't make him a bad person (although abandoning his wife and child would give me pause) and it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you want different things.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Why do you think he told me he’s a sociopath?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Plastics567 said:


> Why do you think he told me he’s a sociopath?


Maybe he saw your recipe for liver with fava beans accompanied by a nice Chianti.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Plastics567 said:


> Why do you think he told me he’s a sociopath?


Probably because he doesn't really know what that word means, or because he likes a hyperbolic communication style.

I wouldn't believe him to be a sociopath without an official diagnosis - that's a pretty serious condition that anyone of any stripe should run from as fast as possible. Others have already weighed in on if this relationship is right for your, regardless.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Plastics567 said:


> Why do you think he told me he’s a sociopath?


Reasons:


Because it eliminates all his responsibility by letting you know what to expect, and when you expect more - it is your fault
Because he knows it presents a challenge to you and you would fall for it allowing him to continue using you

One or both or more


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Plastics567 said:


> I’ve been involved with a guy who's repeatedly told me he’s a sociopath, he "feels nothing" for anyone other than his son and can't ever love again. He may still be married- regardless he randomly left his wife & son and moved 1000 miles away even though he had a perfectly good job on the West Coast, and she refused to follow him and they’ve been apart for years now and hardly ever see each other (so he hardly ever sees his son). but he stayed put even though he could’ve had his old job back. He tells me he doesn’t want commitment but cares about me. But even though he cares, he is incapable of showing it and that’s why his wife abandoned him. I’ve been trying to show him I accept him as he is and would not abandon him. My hope is that then he’ll feel secure enough and want to be with me for real. Any advice on this? He totally just pushes me away but I genuinely enjoy the sociopathic relationship for whatever reasons


Question: did you have relationships with people like this in the past? Boyfriends who couldn't commit or wouldn't allow themselves to get close to you? Were you parents like this towards you? The reason I'm asking is this: we tend to gravitate to what we're used to. It might not be healthy traits, but they're familiar, and we feel like we can deal with them. If you're enjoying the sociopathic relationship, then there just may be an underlying reason for that. Speaking from personal experience, if you would like to be in a healthy relationship, I would tuck and run away from this guy. People like this don't tend to change, and as a result, remain toxic. He's showing you who he is; listen to him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Plastics567 said:


> Yeah, good points. All I seem to want is to figure out how to keep him in my life because - strangely- I consider times with him some of my happiest moments. So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect... seriously you’d see us together and wonder what I was doing but I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him


I get where you're coming from. A backstory on me: was married, separated in mid-2017; divorce went through mid-2018. During my separation time, I dated a guy for 4 months. I loved him; he was fantastic in my eyes, and the first man I'd dated since my XH. He also kept me at an arm's length, told me he'd never even live with someone again, and would play mindgames. When we were together, he was a gentleman, and our physical connection was fantastic. He broke up with me in July-ish of 2018, and I was broken. I begged him to try again, and for the next 5-6 months, it was a rollercoaster ride of "I want to be with you", "no I don't", over and over again. This broke me further, and the icing on the cake was that we remained intimate throughout the entire time. I finally cut him loose, and found a genuinely fantastic man. Sure, he has his foibles, but we treat each other with respect, and openly communicate with one another. I can honestly say he's my best friend, and I haven't been able to say that about any other man. If you settle for this sociopathic man, you're selling yourself short. I get where you're coming from, but believe me, it's not coming from a healthy mindset.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Thank you... I like the sociopathic dynamic other than not knowing how to keep him from running hahah


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

When you are in an unstable place, sometimes you attract unstable people. After my divorce I took a chance on people my better judgment probably would have told me were perfectly nice but weren't well-suited to me. Think long and hard before you get involved again about what you really want - a relationship? a fling? marriage? marriage and kids? OST? Then ask yourself if the person you're seeing is on the same page - have you explicitly said what you want to that person and have they stated they want the same?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, have fun.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@RandomDude You have an actual diagnosis? Sociopathy is pretty serious, it sounds like you just didn’t love any of the women you had before and now you love your current partner. Not a badge of honor, and a diagnosed Sociopath would probably reject that sort of a label. 

Why did he tell you he’s a Sociopath?

Again, in the absence of an official diagnosis, it’s like this: some guys like to call themselves Sociopaths in the same way some people like to diagnose their exes as Narcissists.

Sociopathy and Narcissism are serious character disorders, usually diagnosed in early childhood. Or by the people working with them after serious crimes have been committed.

The other stuff is just people with small and fragile egos waving words around. ‘I’m a sociopath, my ex was a narcissist’.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> @RandomDude You have an actual diagnosis? Sociopathy is pretty serious, it sounds like you just didn’t love any of the women you had before and now you love your current partner. Not a badge of honor, and a diagnosed Sociopath would probably reject that sort of a label.
> 
> Why did he tell you he’s a Sociopath?
> 
> ...


I have no idea why he calls himself this. Says he just can’t feel attached or care about anyone and has always been this way. That there’s nothing he can do. I know he has a reputation for being reckless/“crazy” at prior job. Like doing potentially life threatening things because it’s a serious position


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Luckylucky said:


> @RandomDude You have an actual diagnosis? Sociopathy is pretty serious, it sounds like you just didn’t love any of the women you had before and now you love your current partner. Not a badge of honor, and a diagnosed Sociopath would probably reject that sort of a label.
> 
> Why did he tell you he’s a Sociopath?
> 
> ...


Correct, I was labelled as such 17 years ago, and as you can imagine I'm not quite sure myself now either. As I did go through abandonment and grew up in a rather unlawful environment in my youth and early adulthood, I did develop some traits that may have resulted in my diagnosis during my incarceration - yet I do wonder if it was simple adaptation to my environment. I was never like just anybody else.

In my opinion, the labels themselves are pointless. However, sociopathic and psychopathic traits, taken individually without the labels, can help to explain one's behaviour and ways to adapt around it. There are some aspects that I have not shared that reveal more than simply not loving the women I had before, but I do not wish to be on trial for the past, which in my defence - I did the best I could with what little understanding I had of love. My earlier diagnosis serves as an explanation as such, and even if not, if plastic's 'boyfriend' shares similar sociopathic traits, I would still advise the same, for her to stay clear if she wishes for something more.

If she finds enjoyment from being a plaything and is prepared for the consequences of that, what more is there to say in this thread?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

What's your age? If you are younger and think you have all the time in the world to spend dating guys like this.......you don't.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Haha no I’m 30s and have made my mistakes including men who seemed like “nice guys” and “good enough” but it felt so boring and empty


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

In a single word ...... DON'T!


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Plastics567 said:


> Yeah, good points. All I seem to want is to figure out how to keep him in my life because - strangely- I consider times with him some of my happiest moments. So strange because even in those memories at his “best” he’s what normal people would describe as standoffish, cold, self centered, flat affect... seriously you’d see us together and wonder what I was doing but I love feeling I’m the only person who can get through to him


You literally just described yourself not getting through to him. You're deluding yourself into thinking it will somehow be different for you and using that to feel a fake sense of increased self worth. You need an IC and to figure out how to get validation from yourself so that you can stop dating "nice guys" and sociopaths.

Are you familiar with Twilight? Typically women grow out of trying to change their damaged partners by the time they leave high school. It's NOT going to be different this time around. You CAN'T change him. He will discard you when he gets bored of you. If you feel bored dating someone normal and healthy, it's because you crave dysfunction and drama.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is it possible you're as commitment phobic as he? You feel safe with him because you know he won't be pressuring you for more?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My gosh OP you have set a low bar for what's acceptable in your life. Why? 

To me it makes no difference if the guys been officially diagnosed or not. He's decided the part he's going to play and that's how he's going to live his life. He wants the world to know he's broken so NOTHING is ever expected of him. 

OP ask yourself why you want on that ride?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Who d to want want their own little sociopath?
Damn they’re fun. 
Really now...... gotta be a little wacky yourself if you are into this guy.
He sounds like quite a catch. 
when I’m fishing, I turn loose the jack fish and keep the bass.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Is it possible you're as commitment phobic as he? You feel safe with him because you know he won't be pressuring you for more?


Good question. I am afraid of feeling bored and stifled from anything stable... when I interact with him it gives me a rush of excitement like nothing else, and part of it is because I feel like I do understand and connect with this person where most other people who know him think he’s “crazy”. Would just like a little more on the commitment side than what he’s giving and was hoping I could help him feel more comfortable in doing that


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Plastics567 said:


> ...Would just like a little more on the commitment side than what he’s giving and was hoping I could help him feel more comfortable in doing that


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

I continue to want his scraps above anything good or meaningful with someone else. I see his admission that he’s a sociopath as an encouraging sign he really trusts me instead of a sign to run to the hills. Am I totally hopeless?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Plastics567 said:


> I continue to want his scraps above anything good or meaningful with someone else. I see *his admission that he’s a sociopath as an encouraging sign he really trusts me* instead of a sign to run to the hills.



LOL!



> Am I totally hopeless?


In the past women like you lasted around 3 months to 2 years depending on their level of self respect / my level of boredom.

Many splits were amicable since I washed my hands of responsibility the same way he has washed his hands from his. Those who took me seriously about what I could and couldn't offer were the most fond due to no expectations from either side. 

The ones who didnt, well... and I'm afraid you aren't taking him seriously either - which may lead to some drama later, but that is of course, your choice.

Its not all bad, there's no future but there doesn't always have to be one.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> LOL!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It had some nastiness- at one point he told me he was speaking to some other woman though not seeing her bc she lived in another state but they had plans to meet up at some point, then she clearly unfollowed / blocked him on Insta and Twitter and he gaslighted me and said there was never anything going on between them anyhow. But then he “came back to me” 😆 and now I just find myself wanting him regardless of him admitting he’s a sociopath. I find my behavior laughable but genuinely there’s no one else who can excite me or make me want to be remotely close to them, but him. Given a choice between him or a relationship that ultimately becomes boring and makes me feel dead inside like in the past, I’d choose him. Even better is if I can find a way to make things better between us.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Plastics567 said:


> It had some nastiness- at one point he told me he was speaking to some other woman though not seeing her bc she lived in another state but they had plans to meet up at some point, then she clearly unfollowed / blocked him on Insta and Twitter and he gaslighted me and said there was never anything going on between them anyhow. But then he “came back to me” 😆 and now I just find myself wanting him regardless of him admitting he’s a sociopath. I find my behavior laughable but genuinely there’s no one else who can excite me or make me want to be remotely close to them, but him. Given a choice between him or a relationship that ultimately becomes boring and makes me feel dead inside like in the past, I’d choose him. Even better is if I can find a way to make things better between us.


Heh guess that's one difference between him and me, I never needed to lie to get what I wanted. The jealousy may even add to the fun.

Those of us here who are advising you to cut loose aren't telling you to go for someone who bores you. A relationship that is boring isn't a healthy one either, it should also make you feel alive. If it doesn't, and if he's all that is available for you, then you do what you have to do. All I would advise, considering you already made up your mind to stay with him, is to lower your expectations, it would be much better for both of you. He hasn't given you his commitment and hence he isn't entitled to yours either. 

As always however, it is your choice what you wish to pursue with him. You know how laughable it is currently, but if you can laugh at that, you may be alright for what is to come.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

As someone else that was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder at 18,

Listen to the guy. He is telling you how he emotionally responds to things. He will not change suddenly because you want him to. He might decide that you are worth keeping around, for now. 

Not all sociopaths are monsters, but we don't emotionally respond to things the same way most people do. I can't speak for others, but the only thing that really makes my skin crawl, which in turn ends up being the only thing that I'm really truly afraid of, is boredom. 

I have decided that i am going to be someone that i like. I formed a mental picture of a cool dude that does good and right things, and i try to emulate that as much as I can. But that doesn't mean i emotionally respond to things any different than i used to. 

The only thing that is different is that i have a different outlook on life. And it literally took me hearing my time of death announced for that to happen. Until then, i was just angry at everything. 

My girlfriend thinks that my diagnosis may have been wrong. She thinks I'm somewhere "on the spectrum". Maybe. But it doesn't change the way i emotionally respond to things. 

I don't feel what other people feel. I don't think i ever will. I have a wife, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. They all have other partners as well. Everyone involved knows how i am and they accept me. 

Relationships with people like us look different. Don't be surprised if you end up feeling like you are competing with a pet for attention. That kinda stuff happens.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

As'laDain said:


> As someone else that was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder at 18,
> 
> Listen to the guy. He is telling you how he emotionally responds to things. He will not change suddenly because you want him to. He might decide that you are worth keeping around, for now.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight! I can relate because nothing, in past relationships, made me more uncomfortable or upset than feeling bored, stale, numb about the status quo. 
The way this guy feels towards me doesn’t seem at all dependent upon what I do or say. one day I could say “wish you were here for dinner” all sweetly but he’d just respond by sexting, another day he’s randomly asking if he can come over and spend quiet “at home” time. I get your points and have wanted to convey that I accept him for just who he is... which seems like something he values about me if he’s able to admit he’s a sociopath and “not a good guy.”


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> another day he’s randomly asking if he can come over and spend quiet “at home” time.


I would be very careful with a guy who calls my place "home", unless I've agreed to let him live there.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Plastics567 said:


> Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight! I can relate because nothing, in past relationships, made me more uncomfortable or upset than feeling bored, stale, numb about the status quo.
> The way this guy feels towards me doesn’t seem at all dependent upon what I do or say. one day I could say “wish you were here for dinner” all sweetly but he’d just respond by sexting, another day he’s randomly asking if he can come over and spend quiet “at home” time. I get your points and have wanted to convey that I accept him for just who he is... which seems like something he values about me if he’s able to admit he’s a sociopath and “not a good guy.”


Sociopaths don't care about people. They care about what people can do for them. They use people. He'll keep coming around as long as you're useful, and tell you what he thinks you need to hear to keep you useful to him.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Sociopaths don't care about people. They care about what people can do for them. They use people. He'll keep coming around as long as you're useful, and tell you what he thinks you need to hear to keep you useful to him.


This makes sense and I’m not disagreeing, but... Are “normal” people truly all that different? There’s something about his honesty versus wondering about everyone else’s covert motivations...


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Plastics567 said:


> This makes sense and I’m not disagreeing, but... Are “normal” people truly all that different? There’s something about his honesty versus wondering about everyone else’s covert motivations...


If you have developed good boundaries on your own, maybe it's ok to still go out with him because you know when to cut someting short. One problem with that is that if you want a long term relationship with someone, he will blow your chances. If he's always around, people will assume that you want to cheat or that your FWBs. He may also be the type who does not have a problem getting in the middle of your new relationship.

Hopefully, you will be able to tell how far hr will go.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

NTA said:


> If you have developed good boundaries on your own, maybe it's ok to still go out with him because you know when to cut someting short. One problem with that is that if you want a long term relationship with someone, he will blow your chances. If he's always around, people will assume that you want to cheat or that your FWBs. He may also be the type who does not have a problem getting in the middle of your new relationship.
> 
> Hopefully, you will be able to tell how far hr will go.


Good point, I can see that...he likes to try to elicit specific info on men who are interested in me/have asked me out especially right in the middle of sex between us


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He could be playing your game. He knows you get off on the chase and will release when the relationship turns stable. So; he keeps you wanting more knowing that if you get it, you won't be happy.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

If that’s the case then I’d wish to assure him that I date other people simply so as not to be alone/bored when he’s in a phase of demonstrating that he wants space. To make him feel safe- though that’s what likely makes a sociopath run the other direction so I feel like I truly can’t win ha


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Plastics567 said:


> If that’s the case then I’d wish to assure him that I date other people simply so as not to be alone/bored when he’s in a phase of demonstrating that he wants space. To make him feel safe- though that’s what likely makes a sociopath run the other direction so I feel like I truly can’t win ha


I'm polyamorous, and so is my wife. Maybe that's a possibility for you two? 

Oddly enough, i tend to date people that have mental disorders, like borderline personality disorder. Over the years, i have come to realize that i am attracted to them because they keep me on my toes.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Polyamory is a great concept to explore, but he’s worse than that because he won’t publicly acknowledge our involvement and I find that way too intolerable to accept.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Help, I called him out on only being interested in me for sex (examples: wants to come over my place late at night but wouldn’t dream of bringing me around friends; keeps me secret from his “real life” aka I still think he’s married). I told him he is probably only speaking to me when better sex isn’t available that night. He got all indignant and said there’s no one else, and he doesn’t plan on having sex with anyone, but also told me he never said he wanted commitment or to be “serious” with me - which is true, we’ve never been BF/GF in all these years- and that he doesn’t want that with anyone ever, he’s finished with that in his life. (Again I still think he’s married?!!) and now won’t talk to me at all bc he says he’s just depressed over ruining his family and missing his kids and wants to be alone!!

but like why is he depressed over missing his kids? He is the one who chose to move to California 3000 miles away from them, and stay there for 5 years so far even though he could’ve had a totally similar job where his family lived (and did before). Why does he act like his family was so great and he’s depressed over being apart when he left? Is this just part of being a sociopath, unable to see why he’s wrong? How can I get him to talk to me again? He just accused me of online sleuthing, like off his social media, to find other women he’s talking to and what they’re about.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Plastics567 said:


> Help, I called him out on only being interested in me for sex (examples: wants to come over my place late at night but wouldn’t dream of bringing me around friends; keeps me secret from his “real life” aka I still think he’s married). I told him he is probably only speaking to me when better sex isn’t available that night. He got all indignant and said there’s no one else, and he doesn’t plan on having sex with anyone, but also told me he never said he wanted commitment or to be “serious” with me - which is true, we’ve never been BF/GF in all these years- and that he doesn’t want that with anyone ever, he’s finished with that in his life. (Again I still think he’s married?!!) and now won’t talk to me at all bc he says he’s just depressed over ruining his family and missing his kids and wants to be alone!!
> 
> but like why is he depressed over missing his kids? He is the one who chose to move to California 3000 miles away from them, and stay there for 5 years so far even though he could’ve had a totally similar job where his family lived (and did before). Why does he act like his family was so great and he’s depressed over being apart when he left? Is this just part of being a sociopath, unable to see why he’s wrong? How can I get him to talk to me again? He just accused me of online sleuthing, like off his social media, to find other women he’s talking to and what they’re about.


Remember, he's a sociopath. So he doesn't have feelings or empathy like most people do. Anything out of his mouth is designed to manipulate you and get him something he wants.

So, yes, he's only interested in you for sex. But you aren't supposed to figure that out or it isn't as effective, so he's going to try to convince you otherwise.

And no, he's not missing his kids. He's trying to get sympathy from you so you'll treat him better.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Remember, he's a sociopath. So he doesn't have feelings or empathy like most people do. Anything out of his mouth is designed to manipulate you and get him something he wants.
> 
> So, yes, he's only interested in you for sex. But you aren't supposed to figure that out or it isn't as effective, so he's going to try to convince you otherwise.
> 
> And no, he's not missing his kids. He's trying to get sympathy from you so you'll treat him better.


Thank you, excellent insight!! I have noticed that he’ll bring up his kids if I call him out for being totally noncommittal to me- “how could you discuss that today, I just came back from visiting them and I miss them” or disappearing - “I don’t want to talk to anyone or laugh because I miss them.” 

in terms of only being interested in sex, you’re likely right but it’s bizarre! He will tell me he doesn’t need sex from me or anyone for months, and he’s religiously opposed to that, and accuse me of trying to seduce him and being manipulative... then suddenly he’s sexting me again and most convos turn to sex and he just wants to see me late at night- he actually said once “If you come over now it’ll just be for sex and then you have to leave bc I have work in the morning.” And the actual sex? Cold as ice- he won’t kiss me, embrace me, show any emotion. He’ll look over at me and say “why don’t you do [explicit thing] now”


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Plastics567 said:


> in terms of only being interested in sex, you’re likely right but it’s bizarre! He will tell me he doesn’t need sex from me or anyone for months, and he’s religiously opposed to that, and accuse me of trying to seduce him and being manipulative... then suddenly he’s sexting me again and most convos turn to sex and he just wants to see me late at night- he actually said once “If you come over now it’ll just be for sex and then you have to leave bc I have work in the morning.” And the actual sex? Cold as ice- he won’t kiss me, embrace me, show any emotion. He’ll look over at me and say “why don’t you do [explicit thing] now”


He probably has several women on the go, for variety, and had been focused on others for a while, but trying to make his rejection of you sound noble, so you'll still be around and willing later.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> He probably has several women on the go, for variety, and had been focused on others for a while, but trying to make his rejection of you sound noble, so you'll still be around and willing later.


Haha- yet when I suggest exactly this, he gets all indignant and “I don’t wish to speak with you if you have such a view of me, I’m always just alone”


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sociopath have no empathy for other people. They only care what people can do for them. They only care anything about what happens to people if it affects them. They only feel sorry for themselves. They are cold-blooded and you are just crazy for trying to find a pathway into this man's life. You should be shutting him out completely. Sociopaths do know they're different. Most of them are Masters at trying to act normal but are just imitating acceptable behavior.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Not all sociopaths are dangerous. I think you have to take this on a case by case basis, since theyr'e all different.


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

Thank you all so much for your advice. The part that keeps me attached is all he’s admitted to me. I think it takes courage and true emotional intimacy to actually tell me he’s a sociopath… left his wife and son with no remorse just to be selfish and chase riches and freedom, and worse led on an ex to move with him, to the point his wife threw him out… and then he left that ex a second time and destroyed her too… to tell me he wants to be forever alone where he can’t be poisonous to anyone else. I felt we were very close bc he let me in to his dirsordered thinking. BUT were we that close when his behavior in person (all of above was only over text) was cold and detached, consisting of him interrupting me midsentence to do a sexual favor, and if I tried to kiss him or put an arm around him he’d literally push me away?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Plastics567 -- This is your relationship with this guy.*

*The Scorpion and the Frog*

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn’t see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

“Hellooo Mr. Frog!” called the scorpion across the water, “Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?”

“Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?” asked the frog hesitantly.

“Because,” the scorpion replied, “If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!”

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. “What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!”

“This is true,” agreed the scorpion, “But then I wouldn’t be able to get to the other side of the river!”

“Alright then…how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?” said the frog.

“Ahh…,” crooned the scorpion, “Because you see, once you’ve taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!”

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river…

He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his







passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog’s back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog’s soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog’s back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

“You fool!” croaked the frog, “Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?”
The scorpion shrugged. “I couldn’t help myself. It’s my nature.”

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Plastics567 said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice. The part that keeps me attached is all he’s admitted to me. I think it takes courage and true emotional intimacy to actually tell me he’s a sociopath… left his wife and son with no remorse just to be selfish and chase riches and freedom, and worse led on an ex to move with him, to the point his wife threw him out… and then he left that ex a second time and destroyed her too… to tell me he wants to be forever alone where he can’t be poisonous to anyone else. I felt we were very close bc he let me in to his dirsordered thinking. BUT were we that close when his behavior in person (all of above was only over text) was cold and detached, consisting of him interrupting me midsentence to do a sexual favor, and if I tried to kiss him or put an arm around him he’d literally push me away?


Other than just leaving his ex, what else did he do to destroy her?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why are you here? Your situation is clear as a bell to everyone but you refuse to see it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was I right to give up on this married man?


A while ago he moved 3000mi from his son & wife, said everything was fine but he left out of selfishness. While they cried for him not to leave, he states he was leading an ex-girlfriend on,telling her to move here w him then said just kidding -and at some point “she tried to kill herself in...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





You have so much in common with this poster. Maybe you are involved with the same guy?


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Other than just leaving his ex, what else did he do to destroy her?


He won’t tell me all of it. Sounds like mostly just telling her he’s leaving/abandoning her suddenly. Same as he did to his wife and kid


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

pistachio0 said:


> He won’t tell me all of it. Sounds like mostly just telling her he’s leaving/abandoning her suddenly. Same as he did to his wife and kid


So, you have two accounts?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you have two accounts?


She's a timewaster.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> It doesnt sound as if you are getting through to him.


Lmao


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@pistachio0 & @Plastics567*

You have two accounts. I would like to merge them into one account. Which user name do you want for your account?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Plastics567 said:


> I’ve been involved with a guy who's repeatedly told me he’s a sociopath, he "feels nothing" for anyone other than his son and can't ever love again. He may still be married- regardless he randomly left his wife & son and moved 1000 miles away even though he had a perfectly good job on the West Coast, and she refused to follow him and they’ve been apart for years now and hardly ever see each other (so he hardly ever sees his son). but he stayed put even though he could’ve had his old job back. He tells me he doesn’t want commitment but cares about me. But even though he cares, he is incapable of showing it and that’s why his wife abandoned him. I’ve been trying to show him I accept him as he is and would not abandon him. My hope is that then he’ll feel secure enough and want to be with me for real. Any advice on this? He totally just pushes me away but I genuinely enjoy the sociopathic relationship for whatever reasons


Sociopaths can't be "cured." They have a deficit. They lack empathy. I mean, of course it's possible he's self-diagnosed himself wrong, but does it matter, considering the fact he's never bothered to go do anything about it and get help?


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## pistachio0 (Mar 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sociopaths can't be "cured." They have a deficit. They lack empathy. I mean, of course it's possible he's self-diagnosed himself wrong, but does it matter, considering the fact he's never bothered to go do anything about it and get help?


Is it sociopathic that he doesn’t really try to justify bad behavior? It’s not like he said he abandoned his wife and kid when his marriage was in a rough patch. He said everything was totally fine w his marriage and both his wife and kid were crying for him not to go. This ex whom he tried to get to move w him instead of his family, he calls her his truest love, so then why the hell does he describe ditching her twice? And then with me, tried to get me to think he likes yet another woman but is actively sexting me at same time. So I’m guessing he will never change, apparently when he says he will never get divorced regardless?
im fine using either username.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> *@pistachio0 & @Plastics567*
> 
> You have two accounts. I would like to merge them into one account. Which user name do you want for your account?





pistachio0 said:


> im fine using either username.


Ele, she says she is fine with either name.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pistachio0 said:


> Is it sociopathic that he doesn’t really try to justify bad behavior? It’s not like he said he abandoned his wife and kid when his marriage was in a rough patch. He said everything was totally fine w his marriage and both his wife and kid were crying for him not to go. This ex whom he tried to get to move w him instead of his family, he calls her his truest love, so then why the hell does he describe ditching her twice? And then with me, tried to get me to think he likes yet another woman but is actively sexting me at same time. So I’m guessing he will never change, apparently when he says he will never get divorced regardless?
> im fine using either username.


He probably doesn't even have the capacity to love at all. He's probably calling liking to have sex love. He could have any number of psychological personality disorders. You're not going to fix him. He's giving you fair warning that he's going to hurt you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@pistachio0

Your two accounts are now merged into this one. 😀


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

pistachio0 said:


> Is it sociopathic that he doesn’t really try to justify bad behavior? It’s not like he said he abandoned his wife and kid when his marriage was in a rough patch. He said everything was totally fine w his marriage and both his wife and kid were crying for him not to go. This ex whom he tried to get to move w him instead of his family, he calls her his truest love, so then why the hell does he describe ditching her twice? And then with me, tried to get me to think he likes yet another woman but is actively sexting me at same time. So I’m guessing he will never change, apparently when he says he will never get divorced regardless?
> im fine using either username.


I read one of the early books om FBI profiling. In it, it differentiated sociopath and psychopath. The first does wrong/ anti social acts but will try hide it. They know they're doing wrong. The second is not aware and doesn't try to hard.


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## Xylophone1286 (Oct 9, 2021)

Clicked on this thread bc I’m involved w someone who told me to read a book on Charles Sobhraj, because he said he’s exactly like him except he doesn’t kill people. When people tell you this type of Thing doesn’t it mean they’re trusting you and letting you in? I wouldn’t go around randomly telling People Im sociopathic, but then again what do u really do w the info from someone that they’re remorseless and feel nothing for anyone? I guess my gut reacfion is to find a way to change them and make them feel they can break down walls but his


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Xylophone1286 said:


> Clicked on this thread bc I’m involved w someone who told me to read a book on Charles Sobhraj, because he said he’s exactly like him except he doesn’t kill people. When people tell you this type of Thing doesn’t it mean they’re trusting you and letting you in? I wouldn’t go around randomly telling People Im sociopathic, but then again what do u really do w the info from someone that they’re remorseless and feel nothing for anyone? I guess my gut reacfion is to find a way to change them and make them feel they can break down walls but his


When people tell you this type of thing it means they are a nut job, not that they want to be fixed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are wanting a man that is a sociopath, tells you he is, etc.
You’re “dating” him.

why not get some psychological help for yourself? Surely you realize reasonable people run from crazy, and crazy ones run to it....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP was banned this thread is now closed. Anyone wishing to raise topics relating to the issues in the thread should start their own thread.


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