# What should I do?



## Tonyaky (Sep 23, 2011)

I'll try to get right to the point. Been married for 14 years with three children. Husband told me Sunday he thinks we should divorce. I do not want to give him a divorce. We have had issues on and off all 14 years of our marriage. All different situations. I have mostly been a stay at home mom, this was both our decision. I have worked some, off and on in between babies. First off he married me even though he wasn't ready, I did not force him, and told him if he wasn't sure not to marry me. There was friction in the beginning, I am sure most of this originated with the fact of him resenting me for marrying me and not wanting to. At the 9 year marker (2006) the bottom fell out. I told him I wanted a divorce, we talked and shared things about one another each other didn't know. We said we would try to work things through. Things were going good until my father became ill in 2010 since then things have been really bad. I have been depressed and not myself at all since my father died in 2010. (Depressed, withdrawn, anxiety, stressed, irritable, everything) Also in this time frame our financial situation has been severely strained. I have gotten better since then and am in a better place. So now here we are, he wants a divorce. He says that I love him more than he loves me. My husband is the type that closes himself off and doesn't really talk about things until things are boiling over. He says that he loves me and cares for me, he said he feels like he cannot count on me, and I can understand that. I have been depressed and dealing with my fathers death and other family issues for the past 2 years. I told him that I was willing to do anything for him, anything. He said he feels like things will never change. I adore and love my husband. I feel like my husband has misconceptions about marriage. I know that every marriage has issues, its how you handle those issues is what makes the difference. 

Also after telling me this Sunday, I finally told him Tuesday morning that if divorce is what he wants then I'll be willing to separate. Well he came in Tuesday night after work trying to be affectionate and sexual towards me? wth. He told me that sex has never been an issue between us, never. I told him that I could not be intimate with him if he wants to separate from me, I can't do it. Well I gave in, we talked more Wednesday and he said he was undecided on what to do. I'm so so confused. Please give me some advice, help me break this down and figure this out.


----------



## DaddyDaughterDances (Sep 9, 2011)

The more seasoned folks here will likely chime in, but it sounds to me like all's not lost. His actions Tuesday night and his indecision Wednesday would indicate he's still got interest in the relationship. I'll say what everyone else here will say.....get thee both to marriage counseling! 

My wife and I have just very recently gone thorugh a similar (but different in the specifics) period. She had pretty much written us off and told me she was unwilling to put more effort into working through it because she was tired of doing it alone for so long (I was unaware she considered our issues so bad). At the same time, she kept showing me signs that she wasn't comfortable throwing it all away....little "positives" I started calling them to myself. 

Although we didn't go to counseling this time (we did several years ago for other issues) I somehow convinced her to start opening up to me and now things are improving between us as we talk more and find more and better ways to spend our time together to reconnect.

Try to explain to him that if he's unsure of what he wants to really do then the life you have together is far too important to just give up on until you've (the two of you) exhausted all avenues to fix it. 

Hope it works out!


----------



## Tonyaky (Sep 23, 2011)

Thanks, I sat down tonight and wrote him a long 4 page letter. Explaining my hopes and willingness to work things through. I do agree, I think we could use counseling, getting him to see that and agree to go is another issue.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You may also benefit from reading _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. You'll need to figure out what really makes him feel loved. 

Do you think he could be seeing someone else? That's always a possibility when someone wants to leave a marriage.


----------



## Tonyaky (Sep 23, 2011)

You may also benefit from reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You'll need to figure out what really makes him feel loved. 

Do you think he could be seeing someone else? That's always a possibility when someone wants to leave a marriage.

Thanks for the book, I will ck that out. No, he's not having an affair or messing around.


----------



## Tonyaky (Sep 23, 2011)

So after I wrote the long letter he hasn't really said much. I try to ask little questions in hopes that a conversation will take off but he doesn't bite. I don't want to pressure him, should I just try not to worry and work on me. I've been positive and upbeat, we haven't argued and there's no tension between us. I dont know.


----------

