# I need a womans advice big time. Please help



## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

I need some help from woman on this site. I will get to the heart of the problem without getting into my life story. My wife and I are getting divorced. We have been married 10 years and have two kids. We have only started the paper work process. We both have additional papers to sign.

I don't want a divorce but she does. We have been separated for 6 weeks. I have been living with my dad while going thru this separation. We have had some good days and bad days thru this process. We have been having sex 5 days a week for the last 6 weeks. This is what brings me to my question.

She wants to keep having sex because she says until we meet other people its a good idea. She says are sex has always been amazing and wants to keep doing it.

I have decided that there is no way shes going to want to not get divorced if i keep having sex with her. So i decided last night that i wont do it anymore. Is this the right approach for me?

Another question I have is this. Last week she signed part of the paper work for divorce and calls me and says she was hesitant. She then invited me to hang out with her and the girls on valentines day. I did this and of course we ended up having sex that night as well. All week long she was calling me more often and being nice. Which she has been pretty cold thru this process. However, i've talked with a girlfriend of hers that told me she said shes done with me! she wants her freedom! yet she tells me shes having mixed feelings about us and is confused?

I feel like shes playing games with me?

If I want her back should i cease all contact except when it has to do with the kids? Should I stop all sex between us. I say this because so far what im doing isnt working on getting her back. I just want a womans point of view on the questions ive asked.

Plus why would she want to continue having sex with me if she wants a divorce unless shes just using me because im comfortable and she doesnt have to look for it?

I would like to get her back but dont know how to do it?


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

I forgot to say that now shes being cold again. Aside from wanting only sex from me. She now is telling me shes was having mixed feelings about us after she signed part of the papers but still feels its best we divorce.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

She feels safe having sex with you. Before when the topic of divorce was discussed between me and my H. We thought we would want to have sex with each other still should we end things amicably. We both know that both party is safe and free of diseases and things would only cease if the other has found a partner. I guess your wife was following the same logic.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

dantanph said:


> She feels safe having sex with you. Before when the topic of divorce was discussed between me and my H. We thought we would want to have sex with each other still should we end things amicably. We both know that both party is safe and free of diseases and things would only cease if the other has found a partner. I guess your wife was following the same logic.


I think you may be right in her thinking about that. However, im not doing it with her anymore because my logic is you can't have your cake and eat it to. I don't know if that the right approach or not but what im doing now isnt working.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

2rr said:


> she is mental ( on what grounds are two of you going to divorce if you still have sex? ). Psychiatry may do better then lawyer. And if she is going through some mental problem then
> 1. no legal documents are to be legal
> 2. it is against the law to have sex with mentally unfit person
> ( in most of the states if not all )



You know when i've told some friends of mine that my wife and myself are having sex all the time, there response is wtf are you doing? I told them i want to save my marriage and figured i would go along with it because it keeps us close in a way. 

I'm realizing that everything im doing is wrong.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Any woman out there have some advice for me?


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## CuervoJones (Feb 22, 2010)

She is like all the rest of the women out there. Looney, Crazy, what ever you want to call it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It may be wrong for you--each couple is different. 6 weeks isn't long enough to know if it is, or is not, working, IMO. BUT how do you feel about it? How will you feel if it doesn't work to get her back? 

If you are only doing it to get her back, then maybe it's time to stop for YOUR sake and reduce all contact except for stuff about the kids. In other words, quit trying to live your life so that she'll come back; live it for YOU. Find out who you are and what makes you happy, regardless of whether or not she is in the marriage. Find out to be happy all alone. This will make you a much happier person in the future (you won't ever fear being alone, and you'll cherish your alone time), and it will make you more attractive to other people--happy, self-confident people are always more attractive than those with an aura of neediness. No one knows if one approach or another--or ANY approach--will "work" to get your wife back, so let that go. If she comes back, fine; if not, you'll still be happy! Good luck.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> It may be wrong for you--each couple is different. 6 weeks isn't long enough to know if it is, or is not, working, IMO. BUT how do you feel about it? How will you feel if it doesn't work to get her back?
> 
> If you are only doing it to get her back, then maybe it's time to stop for YOUR sake and reduce all contact except for stuff about the kids. In other words, quit trying to live your life so that she'll come back; live it for YOU. Find out who you are and what makes you happy, regardless of whether or not she is in the marriage. Find out to be happy all alone. This will make you a much happier person in the future (you won't ever fear being alone, and you'll cherish your alone time), and it will make you more attractive to other people--happy, self-confident people are always more attractive than those with an aura of neediness. No one knows if one approach or another--or ANY approach--will "work" to get your wife back, so let that go. If she comes back, fine; if not, you'll still be happy! Good luck.



Thank you for the advice. I am going to cut her off. No more sex with her. It's either all or nothing with me. She can't only have parts of me anymore.

From this point on i'm not going to text her anymore. I will not talk with her on the phone unless it has to do with our kids. I love her very much but will no longer be played for a fool which is what i feel is happening. She will have to look for sex else where then.

I think if she wants to come back then she knows how to do it. I was just wondering why would a woman want to have sex with a man shes getting divorced from? 

I was having a hard time understand why a woman would want to have sex with a guy shes divorcing?

Why would she tell me shes confused ab out if we should divorce. Then in the very same day tell her friend that shes done with me? Why tell me one thing but tell her friend something else?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, the best chance you have for saving the marriage is to show her what life is like without you. NO contact except to exchange kids. When she balks and tries to draw you back in, simply say "I love you too much to just be your friend. I WON'T be your friend if you divorce me. So, either be my wife, or quit trying to contact me."


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I wish I had an answer for that. My H has continued to come back for sex for the past 13 months. It's not like he couldn't get anyone else. But I guess maybe it is comfort. The whole situation sucks for all of us. I am sorry you have to go through this as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop being their sex buddies. Why should they change their situation, if they can keep getting needs met by more than one of you? And by giving in and having sex with them, you look like you have no self esteem.


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## lovesick (Feb 27, 2010)

Stop all contact except when its about the kids.She is confused.Your emotions are on the line and its not fair to you.She is misleading you.You want her back ,I understand that.But...at what cost.IS sleeping with her worth all the additional heartache?Have you asked her about marriage counseling?Might be a good idea before finalizing things.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Thanks to all for the advice. This is where im at with the entire situation. I have decided to stop having sex with her period. I also told her 2 nights ago that im finished trying. I told her I accept it and will move on. I will not fight the divorce and if this is what she wants I will sign the papers without a problem. I will also stop all contact with her unless it has to do with the kids. I think this is the only way this will work for me.

Now who knows maybe not getting her needs met by me will get her to look at things different? Even if it doesn't I still need to move forward with my life without her for my own sanity. 

I will not beg, plead try to tell her how much I love her and miss her anymore. She keeps telling me "this is so not how i wanted us to turn out" Sometimes she talks like shes confused but other times shes dead set on her choice. I can't handle that anymore. I need to stop talking with her period unless it has to do with the kids.

I will keep everyone posted on how things work out as time draws near on the divorce. I have some papers to sign next week but the divorce has been filed. We have 2 weeks left to change our minds I guess before the date in front of the judge gets set for finalization.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

{{{chitown}}} Good luck. Just remember this is for YOU, not a ploy to get her back.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

turnera said:


> {{{chitown}}} Good luck. Just remember this is for YOU, not a ploy to get her back.



I agree. If some reason we can find our way back to each other then fine it was meant to be. However, I can't keep having sex with a woman that im getting divorced from. I don't care if she wants to continue doing it because of what ever her reasons are. It will do more damage to me than good. So im moving forward and giving that part of me to the next person im with.


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## tgirl81 (Mar 4, 2010)

Good for you "chitown".

Sounds like she was having her cake and eating it too as they say.

It was compfort for her, to have it her way. And now you have disrupted that compfort, which will aid in having her really take a long heartfelt second look at what she has done.

I do know why you were doing it though, and can't blame you, it is a natural reaction to try and hold onto whatever piece you can, as you think this will lead her back to you, so no foul.

But, mental health speaking, as hard as it may hurt, it will serve you well to let her be. And, no more perks of the marriage that was. You have to bring up your level of desirability, by being on the hard to get list now.

Maybe it's the one thing you've been missing.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

chitown said:


> I agree. If some reason we can find our way back to each other then fine it was meant to be. However, I can't keep having sex with a woman that im getting divorced from. I don't care if she wants to continue doing it because of what ever her reasons are. It will do more damage to me than good. So im moving forward and giving that part of me to the next person im with.


u r right it will do more damage to u . u need to tell her frankly that it is already so painful for u to cope with her decison & then by giving mixed signals she is hurting u more . Tell her that u aren't going to plead or try to convince her to reconsider her decison anymore because u have enough self-respect not to do that . 
best of luck


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## Confused71 (Mar 7, 2010)

She wants her cake and eat it too! This is so not the right approach for you. Seriously, will you ever meet someone else if you are having sex with your ex-wife?? NO!! Be good to yourself, she has only her needs in mind, you take care of your needs (not by having sex with her!!). Separate, drop all contact accept when it comes to communication regarding kids. 
Just my opinion as a woman!!


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## mbhand2k (Mar 5, 2010)

Let me put it to you bluntly. She enjoys sex. If it is not with you, it will be with someone else. Humans are quite simple, when we want something, we will do anything to get it, the right way, or the wrong way. Regardless, we get what we want, and she wants sex. Things have drastically changed in the last 10 years. Nobody cares about feelings anymore, everyone cares about themselves. I say give it to her often, if she leaves...so be it.


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## hurtbutrealistic (Mar 28, 2010)

Chitown:

It is quite possible that she is suffering from a chemical imbalance-not neccessarily crazy-just not right in the thinking all the time. I have dealt with this from my husband, son, and one daughter.. it can make things really difficult to deal with. You are right to stop the sex- I definitely am about to with my hubby of almost 25 years. We are still married but he throws divorce,subtly and no so subtly sometimes- in my face every other day.. I am at the point where I want him to just get on with it. I am sleeping on the sofa tonight. You could tell her to get herself a "toy".. that is safe too...


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

stop having sex with her. it sounds like she is using you because she feels comfortable with you; but I can guarantee, because that is an emotional link for you...that she will be the first one that finds someone else; and therefore you will hurt more if you continue let her call the shots on this. if she is not happy and she is DONE with you, then she needs to be all the way done with you...she is not playing fair and it sounds like she is playing a control game...she wants everyone to think that she is in control of all of it, that she can call you and you will have sex with her whenever she wants...it makes you look like you are desperate and can not live without her...makes her look good to other ppl, but she is talking crap about you to those same people. Disrespectful. Stop having sex with her. if she wants to work on your relationship that is one thing, if not and there is no future, don't have sex with her (unless you just want to take all emotion out of it: but I would suggest to you that that is going to take some time for you to transition into)


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Don't be her d*ck in a glass


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