# Ex-BF pops into my life



## christina (Oct 24, 2008)

Well ....the short versionis...my ex-BF found me on line by accident. He has been "looking" for me on & off for 20+ years.
I'm married (15yr) with 2 kids. Haven't been happy in a few & recently (1yr) my hub is drinking when he gets home & he turns into a verbally abusive mean person. Well my ex-bf being in my e-mail & phone world has made me happy. I feel totally guilty bcz i know have feelings for the ex. What do I do??
Hub won't get help for drinking & I can't even talk to him. I m miserable except when i talk to the ex (usually at night when all asleep). I really miss my ex...we were eachothers 1st love & split over a silly reason & then literally lost totaly contact. He's never been married & said he never found somone like me. WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Forget him and work on your marriage.

draconis


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Do you think that this is a case of "if only..."? I know that when going gets tuff people wanna get going but think about it. 15 years of marriage. Even if it's crap, you owe it to both of you to work on it and then whatever happens happens. Don't rush with anything until you are 100% sure what you want and it it's your ex, well, end your marriage first. That way, you don't have that extra guilt to carry around. 
Anyway, speaking of your ex....You knew him years ago and everything was great, right? Just fun times, no responsibility...Well, now imagine that same guy but now you are older, there are bills to pay...Do you think that after 15 years he might just turn into your husband? Just something to think about.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't you think there is a reason he has never found a serious relationship after yours so long ago? 

Get your head out of the stars and stop believing it is because you were his one true love. Sure, he likes blowing air up your skirt right now, but he has not been pining away for you all this time.

He is feeding you fantasy lines because it is what you want to hear. It is a great escape from resolving your current problems. You are layering in more problems by doing this.

You need to cool this illusion you have of two decades ago and work on what ails your marriage.


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## bzyshopinbee (Sep 17, 2008)

Alright, so, I kinda understand what your going through, however, my husband and I get along just fine and he doesn't have any substance abuse problems. I actually found my ex from 10yrs ago on MySpace and he was my first love...not sure if I was his, but never the less, I was thrilled to have found him. When we talk he says such nice things to me and it really boosts my ego and self esteem. The wierd thing about this is, my husband does all of these same things except it just feels different. It feels like he's saying those nice things because "he has to"...kinda thing.

Anyway, I think it all comes down to whats "reality vs. fantasy". Reality for you is that you have been unhappy with your hubby and he has become a verbally abusive man when he drinks for several years now.

Your "fantasy" is someone who loves you, treats you with respect and makes you happy in ways a spouse should...and it just so happens, your ex-bf has found you during this vulnerable time and its very easy to slip into the magical feeling of all of it.

I also think that if it wasn't an ex-bf making you feel happy, it could be any other man making you feel like this.

My advice; Talk to your husband, talk to him when he's NOT drinking. Tell him how your feeling. If he's not willing to listen, give him an ultimatum...see if he will react to that. Hopefully, he wants your marriage to work and he will be willing to do whatever it takes, if not, well then, you will have no other choice but to move on...whether it be with the ex or by yourself. 

Good luck!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Try to help your husband and work on your marriage first, hun.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

> It feels like he's saying those nice things because "he has to"...kinda thing.
> 
> Anyway, I think it all comes down to whats "reality vs. fantasy". Reality for you is that you have been unhappy with your hubby and he has become a verbally abusive man when he drinks for several years now.
> 
> Your "fantasy" is someone who loves you, treats you with respect and makes you happy in ways a spouse should...and it just so happens, your ex-bf has found you during this vulnerable time and its very easy to slip into the magical feeling of all of it.


:iagree: And I'd like to add that it's easy to get lost in fantasy about your first love because that reminds you about your youth and when you had no responsabilities and life was more simple back then.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

christina said:


> Well ....the short versionis...my ex-BF found me on line by accident. He has been "looking" for me on & off for 20+ years.
> I'm married (15yr) with 2 kids. Haven't been happy in a few & recently (1yr) my hub is drinking when he gets home & he turns into a verbally abusive mean person. Well my ex-bf being in my e-mail & phone world has made me happy. I feel totally guilty bcz i know have feelings for the ex. What do I do??
> Hub won't get help for drinking & I can't even talk to him. I m miserable except when i talk to the ex (usually at night when all asleep). I really miss my ex...we were eachothers 1st love & split over a silly reason & then literally lost totaly contact. He's never been married & said he never found somone like me. WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????



must be the season...the only girl i ever LOVED besides my wife i heard from this past two weeks...and now she's echoing in my head...i was freakin' IN LOVE with this girl...26 years ago!!!and now...well..having to walk away a second time is harrrrd!!!! i know i'll never have another chance, but my wife/ family is the focus...they deserve to be treated like royalty and that is exactly what i'm going to do...

the drinking thing...help him find bottom...he'll quit...guaranteed...i've met so many people who had to get their noses rubbed in it..myself included...sober since may 19th...and it's a piece of cake if you know the consequences of returning to drinking...i'm about to take my old $100K/year job back..and sober, i'm gonna get rich!!! and get my family back...


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## christina (Oct 24, 2008)

Wow! All the responses were great. I kind of knew the answer to my owe question but I guess u have to hear it from strangers. Isn't the internet wonderful. I really apprectiate your comments and insight.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> must be the season...the only girl i ever LOVED besides my wife i heard from this past two weeks...and now she's echoing in my head...i was freakin' IN LOVE with this girl...26 years ago!!!and now...well..having to walk away a second time is harrrrd!!!! i know i'll never have another chance, but my wife/ family is the focus...they deserve to be treated like royalty and that is exactly what i'm going to do...
> 
> the drinking thing...help him find bottom...he'll quit...guaranteed...i've met so many people who had to get their noses rubbed in it..myself included...sober since may 19th...and it's a piece of cake if you know the consequences of returning to drinking...i'm about to take my old $100K/year job back..and sober, i'm gonna get rich!!! and get my family back...


Good for you. :smthumbup: As long as people can figure out what is really important in life they can stay on the right track.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ex's are meant to be ex's . the past is the past.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---Just fun times, no responsibility...Well, now imagine that same guy but now you are older, there are bills to pay...---

Always an excellent point. I wish more people would think about this before adopting a "Grass is always greener" mentality. Sure the alternative seems fun, but after life follows you around, its not as fun as you thought it would be.


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

christina said:


> Well ....the short versionis...my ex-BF found me on line by accident. He has been "looking" for me on & off for 20+ years.
> I'm married (15yr) with 2 kids. Haven't been happy in a few & recently (1yr) my hub is drinking when he gets home & he turns into a verbally abusive mean person. Well my ex-bf being in my e-mail & phone world has made me happy. I feel totally guilty bcz i know have feelings for the ex. What do I do??
> Hub won't get help for drinking & I can't even talk to him. I m miserable except when i talk to the ex (usually at night when all asleep). I really miss my ex...we were eachothers 1st love & split over a silly reason & then literally lost totaly contact. He's never been married & said he never found somone like me. WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????


Al anon would be a great help to you also. Find a meeting and listen...talk if you wish but it will be full of people going through the exact same thing that you are experiencing and can give you the propper tools to get BOTH of you the help you need!
Good luck!
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen


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