# I asked him to move out.



## GA HEART

And it sucks. 

I'm hurting badly. I want to be weak and just stop the process and hope it all goes away. But I can't. Because it won't.

When things are good, they are GREAT! I love him and we have a great time together. He is a very good friend, and understands me more than any man ever has.

But when things are bad, they are AWFUL. When we argue he gets UGLY....calls me a b*tch, tells me I just want "new meat," tells me to "go ahead and call the cops on him" (wtf?,) etc.

More and more he has become super critical of what I do. In the past 3 weeks, he has tried to make me feel like I am a bad mother, have my priorities in the wrong places, and he flat out called me irresponsible. I am NONE of those things. But I was starting to believe them......I found that everytime he mentioned something to be about how I needed to do things differently (his way) I changed myself to try and make him happy. But it was never enough.

It all came to a head the other day (the irresponsible statement.) I had genuinely forgotten to make a phone call to the propane company. Our tank still had 30%. I HAD called and left them a message, but they never called back (less than 24 hours) but because I didn't do it the next day, all of a suddon, I am irresponsible.

I work full time. I pay ALL my bills (and most of the household bills) on time. Have NEVER had anything disconnected or even had to pay late fees. I am a GOOD mom to my boys. They need nothing and want for little. They both make good grades and behave. I clean the house. I lived on my own for 3 years before we moved in together and didn't have any issues taking care of business. I open myself up to him for sex ANY time he wants it (have NEVER turned him down, but he has turned me down plenty.)

So HE said he was moving out. And I said ok and have stuck with it. Then he backtracks.....

"I'm not ready to let go of what we have."
"We should do counseling" (Mentioned before, but nothing ever came of it.)
"You're the one causing this."
"You don't care how much I'm hurting."
"I guess I will take this ring I bought you back." (Called him out on that, there was no ring.)
"F' you."
"I want my money back out of the house." (he paid 25% of the down payment, I paid the rest.....and most of the mortgage payments.)
"You only see what you want to see."
"You don't take responsibility for your actions."

Among other statements. Not ONCE has he said anything about losing ME.

My brain gets it. My heart is being a b*tch.


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## ConanHub

Very sorry for you. Better now than later. I thought he was getting help? Has he blown up at your son anymore?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## batsociety

You're doing the right thing, he sounds like an ass. Not healthy for you or your kids to keep someone like that around.


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## ConanHub

batsociety said:


> You're doing the right thing, he sounds like an ass. Not healthy for you or your kids to keep someone like that around.


If you have read her other thread, this jack off has directly emotionally and verbally abused her kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF

Sounds to me like you have a TEENAGER as a husband, not a MAN.

Throwing hissy fits like that and making things up are ALL of the tactics to get YOU to do what he wants and when he wants. I suggest you recognize that and deal with it.

Personally, I think him moving out is a GREAT thing. By ALL means proceed to divorce and find a MAN that you deserve.

Think of it as a great beginning, not a great ending. Because frankly, that's EXACTLY what this is!

Good luck


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## GTdad

30% isn't bad at ALL. We usually don't snap to the propane level until it hits 5%.


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## Roselyn

Are you married to this man? I'm not clear if you are or you are not? Are your boys his children? How old are you and how hold is your significant other?


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## GA HEART

No, he has never yelled at my son again. That relationship was going well. Counseling for that issue never happened (he is in counseling for another issue.)

He has good qualities. He does. But he is immature and I just can't deal with that in a relationship anymore. I haven't felt appreciated for a while. He takes me for granted. He says he feels taken for granted. He is always going on and on about "all the sacrifices" he has made. But he never really lists anything. He has alluded to the fact that he has had to adjust to living with my kids. He has admitted that he is jealous of my relationship with them. We have always included him....watching movies together, playing board games, eating dinner at the table. He cooks, but I do most of the cleaning. According to him, he does most of the cleaning. I should have kept a log book. (HA!)

I don't play the blame game, but he loves to. I don't keep track of "who wrongs who." I have accepted his faults (to a point, obviously) without harping on them. But I don't think he is capable of affording me the same favors. 

But I still love him. That hasn't changed. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard as hell.


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## GA HEART

No, not married. Not even engaged. HA!


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## GA HEART

This has been a learning and growing process for me. This was my first relationship a couple years after a failed 12 year marriage. I'm stronger now than I have ever been. But it's still very very difficult.


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## ConanHub

Again, sorry but you know you are doing right. You and your kids don't need a full grown b1tch making your lives miserable.

I have zero respect for this man. I am sorry you love him. He is really undeserving of your affection and the honor of being allowed in the lives of your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman

GA HEART said:


> So HE said he was moving out. And I said ok and have stuck with it. Then he backtracks.....
> 
> "I'm not ready to let go of what we have."


So,,, has he actually gone or made plans to go?

The quoted bit - He made an empty threat to leave which you exposed by turning it around on him.

Unless I missed it,,, he's still there trying to come up with 'better' threats and manipulations to maintain the status quo. While he's there, he IS maintaining it.

I wish you every success, GA, but you asking him to leave and him finding reasons not to go suggests he'll fight tooth and nail to stay.

Until he's actually out the door, this is just the latest drop in your ocean of drama. Same ol', same ol'.

Just ignore me if I misread your post. 

If I haven't, nothing has changed beyond your resolve. Hang on to it and get him gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962

As hard as it is to do, do not give in to this man. He is not treating you well and it will not get better. You do not need to live like this. Keep going forward with the separation or divorce proceedings. If you find his begging making you weak, take him off your call list, block him, do not answer, do not read his emails or texts. There is a better life for you. Don't buckle to the good that you recall. the bad over-shadows the good here.


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## Openminded

I'm very sorry. Breakups are miserable. I know from your previous threads you really wanted this to work. Maybe he'll grow up (if you still want him). I'm sure he wasn't expecting you to take him up on his offer to leave. 

Stay strong.


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## GA HEART

He's not gone yet. This resolve is the hardest part. But I'm hanging in there. He says he will be gone by next week. We will see. Yes, he is hanging on tooth and nail.


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## GA HEART

Luckily I have good support. Sadly, I ADORE his parents and losing them is going to hurt just as bad, if not worse.


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## DoF

GA HEART said:


> No, he has never yelled at my son again. That relationship was going well. Counseling for that issue never happened (he is in counseling for another issue.)
> 
> He has good qualities. He does. But he is immature and I just can't deal with that in a relationship anymore. I haven't felt appreciated for a while. He takes me for granted. He says he feels taken for granted. He is always going on and on about "all the sacrifices" he has made. But he never really lists anything. He has alluded to the fact that he has had to adjust to living with my kids. He has admitted that he is jealous of my relationship with them. We have always included him....watching movies together, playing board games, eating dinner at the table. He cooks, but I do most of the cleaning. According to him, he does most of the cleaning. I should have kept a log book. (HA!)
> 
> I don't play the blame game, but he loves to. I don't keep track of "who wrongs who." I have accepted his faults (to a point, obviously) without harping on them. But I don't think he is capable of affording me the same favors.
> 
> But I still love him. That hasn't changed. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard as hell.


Don't worry about "loving him". This is where you have to think with your brain and ignore your heart. You already know that he is no good and don't want to continue relationship with him.

It's over.

IN TIME (it will take few months).......you will no longer love him and will look at the entire situation from a completely different perspective......and laugh at yourself for wasting your time with such a man.

Keep your head up, be active (walks/sports).....go hang with friends/family.......and GIVE IT TIME!!!


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## Openminded

GA HEART said:


> He's not gone yet. This resolve is the hardest part. But I'm hanging in there. He says he will be gone by next week. We will see. Yes, he is hanging on tooth and nail.


I think he will make every promise there is not to have to leave. He said that in the heat of the moment and didn't expect you to agree. He knows how good he has it and he doesn't want to go. So be prepared for begging and pleading and pulling out all the stops as the day gets closer to the deadline. That is going to take tremendous strength on your part not to let him stay. I am someone who never changes my mind when I decide on a course of action. I do it regardless of how hard it is. That obviously helped during my divorce. I think of it as no choice. That's what you have to do too.


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## Erudite

I am sorry.


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## Blossom Leigh

I am glad you and your kids are going to be safe. Ignore the abuser speak on his way out the door. Hold onto your truth with everything you have. It will be your anchor. The rest will heal. Big hugs!! Proud of you for standing for better.


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## PBear

I'm curious... You said this was a learning experience, right? What did you learn? 

And I support your decision whole-heartedly! Unfortunately, I think you might be in for a fight, since he seems to be a lazy, immature ass. The house is his residence too, and getting him out if he decides he doesn't want to leave may not be pleasant. :-(

C


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## Blossom Leigh

Yea, going forward don't ever buy real estate with someone you are not married to.


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## DoF

Openminded said:


> I think he will make every promise there is not to have to leave. He said that in the heat of the moment and didn't expect you to agree. He knows how good he has it and he doesn't want to go. So be prepared for begging and pleading and pulling out all the stops as the day gets closer to the deadline. That is going to take tremendous strength on your part not to let him stay. I am someone who never changes my mind when I decide on a course of action. I do it regardless of how hard it is. That obviously helped during my divorce. I think of it as no choice. That's what you have to do too.


Yep, and lastly, IF by any chance you do change your mind OP.

Take his words with a grain of salt and WATCH HIS ACTIONS.

Document it if you have to! But do NOT allow verbal abuse/the treatment back into your life.......


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## JustTired

((((hugs))))

It hurts, I know......you are stronger this time around. For that, give yourself a pat on the back.

Don't know what else to say other than I am sending you huge cyber hugs.


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## GA HEART

Thanks guys. Yes, I learned not to do the who "buy a house with someone" thing again. Honestly, I'm not as worried about that part. He HATES the legal system and will do all he can to avoid it. And our original agreement should hold firm in case it does go there. I just have to buy him out of his equity (which wasn't that much AT ALL.) And then refinance, which might be the kicker. But I can afford the payment easily, even if child support stops again, since the retirement kicked in. Thank God.

His parents are super supportive of him and (have been of) me too. I know they will probably try to get me to change my mind as well, BUT they will accept my decision and help him get out in the end. They are good people.

I learned also that it's ok to change my mind. I feel like I gave this relationship every chance I could have. Most of all, I learned how to stand up for me and mine. I've never been the "leaver" before, even though I should have in my past marriage.


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## GA HEART

He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend. 

Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?


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## Blossom Leigh

GA HEART said:


> He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.
> 
> Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?


Ignore the sweet Girl... let him walk.

I totally understand that emotion.

If there is reconciliation to be had, do it at a distance.

For now.. stay the course.


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## JustTired

GA HEART said:


> He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.
> 
> Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?


He's pulling all the stops. What he wants you to say is "Ok, don't move out just yet. Let's talk it over". Pfffffttt.....


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## AVR1962

Oh goodness, here comes the kindness you have always wanted, hoping it is heart felt and feeling weak to let him stay. I get it, I have fallen time and time again but in the end nothing changes. i really do not think change can happen til they see their own behavior, realize it is a problem and seek some way to resolve their way of dealing with the issues.


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## DoF

GA HEART said:


> Thanks guys. Yes, I learned not to do the who "buy a house with someone" thing again. Honestly, I'm not as worried about that part. He HATES the legal system and will do all he can to avoid it. And our original agreement should hold firm in case it does go there. I just have to buy him out of his equity (which wasn't that much AT ALL.) And then refinance, which might be the kicker. But I can afford the payment easily, even if child support stops again, since the retirement kicked in. Thank God.


Rates went back down recently so refinance might actually save you a big chunk (over time of course).



GA HEART said:


> His parents are super supportive of him and (have been of) me too. I know they will probably try to get me to change my mind as well, BUT they will accept my decision and help him get out in the end. They are good people.


If they are good people and you like them, and assuming you made your final decision. Call them and tell them that it's over and you are sorry and ask them politely to not interfere with it or try to change your mind.

If they are good people they will respect that and your relationship shouldn't really change.




GA HEART said:


> I learned also that it's ok to change my mind. I feel like I gave this relationship every chance I could have. Most of all, I learned how to stand up for me and mine. I've never been the "leaver" before, even though I should have in my past marriage.


Bravo, seriously. This is SO huge, I can't even begin to tell you proud of you everyone here is right now.

I know I am. Good work.

:smthumbup:


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## DoF

GA HEART said:


> He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.
> 
> Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?


Reality is setting in.

Stick to it, I'm pretty sure you gave him WAY too many chances.

He will have to learn from that for next relationship....I guess.

I would tell him "it has taken a toll, I can no longer tolerate you, please go"


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## GA HEART

Thank you, DoF.....it means a lot.

And I know this is him just trying a new tactic. And I know letting him "off the hook" at this point is perhaps one of the stupidest things I can do. 

I really wonder if he can change himself? We "got" each other very well in a lot of ways......ironically enough, it was just living together (home stuff) that brought the discord out.


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## GA HEART

Should I go "no contact" after all is said and done? I haven't really thought that far in advance. Last night he pretended like nothing was wrong, even joked about "dating" after he was out. And tried to initiate sex. (Which I turned down. First time for everything.) Last night was surprisingly drama free and even somewhat pleasent. (The ugly happed today.) We watched TV together. I was so hoping we could reamain civil......I don't know what I'm walking into this afternoon when I get home.


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## PBear

I think the 180 is what you need to strive for. 

C


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## Blossom Leigh

HBe careful tonight


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## Openminded

GA HEART said:


> He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.
> 
> Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?


Because maybe he thinks you'll respond to the new grown-up him and let him stay? Talk is easy. Don't focus on words. Actions are a lot harder. Look at them -- over time.


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## Openminded

Distance yourself emotionally until he's gone and then go no contact. You don't share children so there will be no reason to stay in touch with him. 

The person you are living with is obviously different from the person you dated. Be glad you found that out before you married him.


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## GA HEART

This is pretty sh*tty and I'm not handling things well at all.
He is being fine. He agrees that I am right, we aren't good for each other and he's resinged to moving out. 
I've cried all night. So much for being emotionless. I did say that I'm not changing my mind to which he replied a jovial "I know."
He's hugged me, he says we will still be friends. 
This is crazy painful. And I'm not handling things wel at all.


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## ConanHub

I'm really very sorry for your pain! Internet hugs! &#55357;&#56866;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman

GA HEART said:


> He is being fine. He agrees that I am right, we aren't good for each other and he's resinged to moving out.


Right,,, until he breaks your resolve. Shortly thereafter, you'll be wrong again.

That list of mean shìt he said to you in an earlier post, GA. You wanna paste that in a notebook/Word doc or have it open in a second tab so you can remind yourself in a click.

When you type out his sweet platitudes (manipulations) it's like hearing them twice.

Reinforce the bad stuff to negate the (false) good.

He's learned all your buttons and he's playing you like a pro. Like the slot-machine guy who knows what's around the back of the reel when you get a bunch of nudges.

Someone who spewed that list of hate won't hold out for long.

Right now, he's still where he wants to be and confident he can break you. Get past your previous breaking point and that confidence will crumble.

Remember the hate to stay strong. Then watch and learn.

You can do it, GA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF

GA HEART said:


> This is pretty sh*tty and I'm not handling things well at all.
> He is being fine. He agrees that I am right, we aren't good for each other and he's resinged to moving out.
> I've cried all night. So much for being emotionless. I did say that I'm not changing my mind to which he replied a jovial "I know."
> He's hugged me, he says we will still be friends.
> This is crazy painful. And I'm not handling things wel at all.


You need to stay emotionally strong.....and away from him.

He is nibbling at you.....distance yourself. Faster he goes, the better.

I don't believe in relationships/friendships with ex......but that's just me.

You feel ****ty, because you are SUPPOSE to feel shiiity. That's what break ups are about. Focus on the bright/healthy future......not the jerk that has ruined the relationship.


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## Openminded

He's agreeing because he wants to show you how grown-up he can be (or else he didn't care as much as you thought). My guess is he's playing you. Do you really think he changed that drastically in a day? No. 

Break-ups are hard. No getting around it. But you'll get through it and come out better on the other side. Focus on getting him out. And forget about being friends with him. That's what he's counting on as a way back in if you go through with ending it.


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## GA HEART

He finally did get mad. His dad called him, very upset abour something. And for whatever reason that set him off. Told me to take the house, car his uncle sold to me, and my feelings and shove them up my behind. It was kinda out of left feild, but i suppose that's how all this has been. He did tell me that he told his parents thst this was a mutual decision because we Just can't see eye to eye on some things and asked me to corroborate that story if asked by his family. He also said to not contact them because, "you have your support, they are all I have for my support. " to me this translates into. .... don't tell my parents what an ass I am so I can manipulate them too.


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## Satya

It's about him looking good in the eyes of the people who matter to him. If he really cared about repairing things, he would not hide behind dishonesty. 

You are a human being and can make your own decisions about what you say, do, and whom you choose to speak with. 

I felt as you do about his parents - I was extremely attached to my in-laws, but over time I learned that blood truly was thicker than water and I had to form a different kind of support net for myself eventually. It was not possible for me to maintain a relationship with them and be able to heal properly. I will always remember them with kindness and gratitude.


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## Mr.Fisty

Tell his parents the truth, but ask them to be supportive of him. Your not looking to damage their relationship, but if another relationship of his fails in the future, at least they will have an inkling of why. You can be both honest and take the high road. You should also cut contact with his family. Sure biological bonds tends to be stronger than one's by choice, but it does not mean that it will not cause conflict. Tell his family it is over, and there is no going back. Ask them to be there for him as he too, is going through a difficult time, and ask them to see if he can get some help.

After this, keep contact to text, email, or anything else that is recordable. You want to play smart, and if his text is abusive and derogatory, you have something to show people the type of person he is. Tell his family that as much as it pains you, you need to cut contact with them as well.


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## Openminded

I wouldn't give his parents details but I wouldn't lie to them either. 

He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. But that's not your problem.


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## SamuraiJack

Not really a whole lot to say except you can do this and I'm sorry you are here.

The joviality, the reasonableness, all sounds like it comes from a book I read about saving your marriage by a guy named Homer McDonald. I think it was called STOP Your Divorce!


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## GA HEART

I just got back home. He is not here. I had to leave earlier because he was "making" me feel like I was throwing away a perfectly good relationship for silly reasons. (Of course, I know I was allowing him to make me feel that way.)

I got out, got the water changed over into my name (ouch on the deposit!) got my taxes done (got a little more back than I had anticipated, yay,) and bought myself lunch. 

The camper (his parents, we were keeping it here) is gone and he is gone. What little belongings he said he was taking are gone. I did tell him he could leave some stuff here since he can't fit it back at his parents house (which is where he is moving because although he works, he can't really afford to live on his own due to back child support.) He said he wouldn't count on them still being here......what would my new man think? REALLY? He was joking, but still. Sigh.....


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## GA HEART

Oh, and earlier he started in on the "I was going to buy you a ring, I just applied for a credit card and was waiting on the response." That's only the 4th or 5th time I've heard that in our relationship.


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## GA HEART

And i did text his mom. Just to tell her me and the boys loved them and that I was so heartbroken over how things are working out. She never responded. Of course I don't expect her to want to have anything to do with me now.


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## southern wife

GA HEART said:


> This has been a learning and growing process for me. This was my first relationship a couple years after a failed 12 year marriage. I'm stronger now than I have ever been. But it's still very very difficult.


Wow you and I are in the same boat, kind of.....


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## Openminded

He can't afford to live on his own and so he's going back to his parents? When the dust settles, expect him to claim he's changed and wants to try again.


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## Blossom Leigh

GA HEART said:


> Oh, and earlier he started in on the "I was going to buy you a ring, I just applied for a credit card and was waiting on the response." That's only the 4th or 5th time I've heard that in our relationship.


Guilt trip... ignore it..

Sorry you are struggling... but proud of you for staying strong.


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## staarz21

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're certainly stronger than I am. The guilt trips will come and go. He will say what he thinks he needs to in order for you to reconsider. You can probably expect that to continue should you choose to speak to him again.

I'm sorry he left unexpectedly while you were out. Maybe that is for the best though. It keeps you from having to actually see him walk out the door. He's not going to like living at his parents out (I mean who does right?) so he might try to pull a few more tricks before all is said and done. 

Keep strong. You know what you need to do in order to make yourself happy. Do it. You'll be glad you did in the end.

Good luck to you.


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## WandaJ

Stay strong. Few months from now you will be much happier person, and you will wonder why it took you so long to pull the plug.


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## GA HEART

That's the hope I keep hanging onto. 

I caved about sex last night. (Weak!) It was so bittersweet and filled with emotion. Afterwards he did say, "now will you take me back?" Just like a child. Full of childlike hope. Broke my heart into more pieces than it already is.

He did admit to feeling like he "settled" for me. Said he was happy and content, and could have lived the rest of his life with me. He was happy with the SITUATION and I knew it. I knew it wasn't ME. I could feel it. (Or NOT feel it, rather.) Of course then he followed it up with statements that tugged at me......trying to make me feel like I'm a silly teenager, looking for fairytale love. 

I'm not. I know what real life is. I just want to be loved and appreciated for ME. Is that really asking too much? NO. I know the answer is no....

More tears. He's moving the rest of his stuff out as I type.


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## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> That's the hope I keep hanging onto.
> 
> I caved about sex last night. (Weak!) It was so bittersweet and filled with emotion. Afterwards he did say, "now will you take me back?" Just like a child. Full of childlike hope. Broke my heart into more pieces than it already is.
> 
> He did admit to feeling like he "settled" for me. Said he was happy and content, and could have lived the rest of his life with me. He was happy with the SITUATION and I knew it. I knew it wasn't ME. I could feel it. (Or NOT feel it, rather.) Of course then he followed it up with statements that tugged at me......trying to make me feel like I'm a silly teenager, looking for fairytale love.
> 
> I'm not. I know what real life is. I just want to be loved and appreciated for ME. Is that really asking too much? NO. I know the answer is no....
> 
> More tears. He's moving the rest of his stuff out as I type.


Trust your gut feeling on this and not what your emotions are telling you right now. I'm afraid if you cave wishing that he will actually be different you will be disappointed.


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## GA HEART

I didn't cave. He's gone.


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## Openminded

That doesn't mean he's gone for good. He isn't going to like living with his parents.


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## GA HEART

No, he isn't. He said they gave him 3 months to get out on his own. He will want to come back.


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## GA HEART

His parting words, "you're throwing away a good thing."


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## GA HEART

He said he would rather settle than be lonely. He said I don't know what being lonely is.

I keep repeating this stuff because I'm struggling. What if I really DID do the WRONG thing???? God knows I love this man!


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## GA HEART

Now starts the texting, "I miss you already!!! You broke my heart."

I suppose this is where NC starts. My bestie isn't answering her phone. I am supposed to be taking me and the boys up to her place tonight. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything but sit here. I want to respond to him.


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## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> I didn't cave. He's gone.


Good!!!!!! Stay strong!!!!!!!


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## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> Now starts the texting, "I miss you already!!! You broke my heart."
> 
> I suppose this is where NC starts. My bestie isn't answering her phone. I am supposed to be taking me and the boys up to her place tonight. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything but sit here. I want to respond to him.


Yes, yes, yes....no contact!


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## Openminded

He knows you are his only ticket out of his parents' house. He isn't going to give up. The only way to shut him down is DON'T RESPOND. Not one time!


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## GA HEART

I haven't. I know it will get easier. He left a letter I had written him before we moved in together. It outlined all the things he no longer was when he moved out. I wrote it almost a year ago. He definitely wasn't like that anymore. Apparently he thinks he was....


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## ConanHub

Hang in there. Your heart will betray so trust your head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Stay the course sweetie. I can tell deep in your soul you know the cruelty, the manipulative sweet talk, the guilt trips are not FOR you, but against you. This is not a mistake.


----------



## IamSomebody

Do what you can to give him back his 25% of the down payment on the house but *GET HIS NAME OFF THE DEED* and to be fair, off the mortgage as well. Have an attorney oversee this so no one gets cheated and it is all legal.

This way he will have some money to get a place of his own and leave you alone.

IamSomebody


----------



## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> He said he would rather settle than be lonely. He said I don't know what being lonely is.
> 
> I keep repeating this stuff because I'm struggling. What if I really DID do the WRONG thing???? God knows I love this man!


Don't think that way!!!!!!!


----------



## Blossom Leigh

I hope you are ok GA Heart...


Just checking in on you this morning


----------



## GA HEART

I'm here, I'm ok. Thanks for checking on me. Sorry for not responding earlier, I was at my best friends place and my phone wouldn't let me for whatever reason.

He's tried to text me twice more. Said his Mom is reading all my facebook comments. I've not said a WORD about him or what is going on with us, but posted little inspirational meme type things, again.....nothing about relationships. Just things like loving who you are and being accepted despite flaws and such. I'm not doing it to be passive aggressive at all, but to try and feel better. He doesn't even have a facebook.

He's also tried to play trivia crack with me. LOL! I kinda find that funny. I let our current games expire, and ignored a new request for a game, along with a "some friend you are" statement.

Someone please just tell me again that I did the right thing?? For both of us? He says that I want fairytale love and it doesn't exist.....if he settled for me, but was content......wouldn't HE be happier if he finds a love that is BOTH friendship and passion? I feel like he was using me as a cure for loneliness. I was good enough for that. But I wasn't good enough for him to feel any kind of passion towards. I don't think I'm stuck in fairytale land. I KNOW relationships smolder with time. But we were only 2 years in, and I've been feeling this for several months now. 

I"m feeling like I gave up too soon!


----------



## Openminded

No, you didn't give up too soon. Do you really want someone who just settled for you? He wants that comfortable life of his back so he can get away from his parents and he's obviously working to get it since you are the only option at the moment. 

You need to block his texts or delete them without reading them. No contact means just that. You can't even start to get beyond this if you are reading every word he sends. 

Breakups take time to get over. You know that.


----------



## GA HEART

Yes, I know that. And I also know I can't pity party forever. He wants to "be friends" probably so he can get in my pants whenever he feels like it. And yes, I do need to get him paid off and out of my life. 

But my stupid heart hurts. I had fallen into a trap yet again. I swear I'm not as dumb as I sound. I am so disappointed in myself it's not even funny. I tried to be so careful, I tried to take my time. He pushed HARD and I went along with it. I KNEW better. But I thought he loved me. He definitely LIKES me. We got along great as friends. That's what we should have stayed.


----------



## Openminded

He wants to be friends so he can get back in your house. I assume he didn't indicate he settled for you until you told him it was over. He didn't want to mess up that nice life you created for him. 

Didn't you have a thread about the lack of sex?


----------



## lifeistooshort

You don't sound dumb at all. You've done what needed to be done, above and beyond what many would do. You feel how you feel, you are human after all. Keep making good decisions but give yourself a break regarding how you feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> I'm here, I'm ok. Thanks for checking on me. Sorry for not responding earlier, I was at my best friends place and my phone wouldn't let me for whatever reason.
> 
> He's tried to text me twice more. Said his Mom is reading all my facebook comments. I've not said a WORD about him or what is going on with us, but posted little inspirational meme type things, again.....nothing about relationships. Just things like loving who you are and being accepted despite flaws and such. I'm not doing it to be passive aggressive at all, but to try and feel better. He doesn't even have a facebook.
> 
> He's also tried to play trivia crack with me. LOL! I kinda find that funny. I let our current games expire, and ignored a new request for a game, along with a "some friend you are" statement.
> 
> Someone please just tell me again that I did the right thing?? For both of us? He says that I want fairytale love and it doesn't exist.....if he settled for me, but was content......wouldn't HE be happier if he finds a love that is BOTH friendship and passion? I feel like he was using me as a cure for loneliness. I was good enough for that. But I wasn't good enough for him to feel any kind of passion towards. I don't think I'm stuck in fairytale land. I KNOW relationships smolder with time. But we were only 2 years in, and I've been feeling this for several months now.
> 
> I"m feeling like I gave up too soon!


What makes you doubt yourself? You talked about all that you dealt with and how you could not deal with it any more. Think of those feelings. You must be a very empathetic person but your empathy for your husband and your situation will not change him. Are you in counseling? 

You did not make the wrong decision here and you are not looking at relationships as a fairy tale. Things are not going to get better with the things that are going on, more than likely they will only get worse and eventually you will become so beaten down that you can't see up.

Are you missing the companionship and his good qualities?? Fill that absence with a new hobby or interest but trust you in yourself that you made the right choice.


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## Blossom Leigh

Really nurture yourself right now GA Heart and know his cruel jabs would have solidified the decision for me. You got pretty far in, but know you absolutely dodged a bullet with this one. Feel good about that healthy boundary no matter how messy or painful it is.


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## GA HEART

Openminded said:


> He wants to be friends so he can get back in your house. I assume he didn't indicate he settled for you until you told him it was over. He didn't want to mess up that nice life you created for him.
> 
> Didn't you have a thread about the lack of sex?


Yes, and the ironic thing about it is that I think he only really wants it when he can't have it. He tried FOUR times in the last 3 days he was there to get into my pants. My bad for making myself readily avialable to him and desiring him in that way......to me that makes NO SENSE. But he mentioned several times on his way out that he would be willing to come back and cut the grass for a BJ.


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## GA HEART

I think it's the the little thoughts he planted in between the jabs that has made it so hard for me. 

But, day 2 after he's gone and I'm starting to feel a little bit mad. Not solid in my anger yet, but it's getting there. He promised he would take care of my heart.....I still have that text message saved from the beginning. Said he would move mountains for me. Said he would cherish me. Where the hell did all of that go? He says that I"m the one who quit. But he quit long before I did.....


----------



## Stillasamountain

GA HEART said:


> But he mentioned several times on his way out that he would be willing to come back and cut the grass for a BJ.



Well, that pretty much says it all...


----------



## lifeistooshort

This is what manipulators do. He wants back into your house and your pants. You'll get what you've always got.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh

He doesn't think he has a problem.... THAT's the problem and it is why he is shooting right past your heart and flip flopping so much. He is trying to pin on you the unpinnable because it belongs pinned on him. Its called blindness  So right now.. he is totally shooting in the dark and when he doesn't get the response he is looking for (to service HIS needs) that's when you get the mean side.


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## GA HEART

Yes, that's it in a nutshell. He's trying to blame me for ALL of this. Sure, he admitted that he was very critical of me. And he admitted that he pushed me too far. And that he settled for me. But he DOESN'T see why that's a problem??

But I'M the one who can't accept responsibility for my faults? 

Grr.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

He is miswording it...

"why won't you accept the blame for MY faults, don't you know any good girlfriend will do that for me, you are horrible for not doing so."


lol


----------



## ILoveSparkles

You need to block his mother from Facebook. It doesn't matter what you post at all. She does not need any window into your life at all. It's none of her business what you post, whether it is relationship related or not. It sounds like he knows every action on your page thru his mother. Neither of them need to see that at all.


----------



## Openminded

GA HEART said:


> Yes, and the ironic thing about it is that I think he only really wants it when he can't have it. He tried FOUR times in the last 3 days he was there to get into my pants. My bad for making myself readily avialable to him and desiring him in that way......to me that makes NO SENSE. But he mentioned several times on his way out that he would be willing to come back and cut the grass for a BJ.


My guess is he was using that more as a way to manipulate you into letting him stay because he knew sex was important to you. I don't think he was nearly as interested in sex with you as you were with him.


----------



## Openminded

GA HEART said:


> I think it's the the little thoughts he planted in between the jabs that has made it so hard for me.
> 
> But, day 2 after he's gone and I'm starting to feel a little bit mad. Not solid in my anger yet, but it's getting there. He promised he would take care of my heart.....I still have that text message saved from the beginning. Said he would move mountains for me. Said he would cherish me. Where the hell did all of that go? He says that I"m the one who quit. But he quit long before I did.....


Words are easy. Actions are harder. 

He talks a good game.


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## GA HEART

Openminded said:


> My guess is he was using that more as a way to manipulate you into letting him stay because he knew sex was important to you. I don't think he was nearly as interested in sex with you as you were with him.


Of course he was. And ouch, but true....


----------



## GA HEART

And yes, smooth talker. Why does a 35 year old decently intelligent woman fall for something like that? Sigh.... He DID show it in his actions at first. The whole first year was great.


----------



## Openminded

The problem was he couldn't sustain those actions. Maybe it was more work than he imagined to try to make a relationship work. 

Is he still texting?


----------



## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> Yes, and the ironic thing about it is that I think he only really wants it when he can't have it. He tried FOUR times in the last 3 days he was there to get into my pants. My bad for making myself readily avialable to him and desiring him in that way......to me that makes NO SENSE. But he mentioned several times on his way out that he would be willing to come back and cut the grass for a BJ.


Yikes! Cut the grass for a BJ? He's obviously trying to generate some feelings but it seems to me his avenue to get back with you seems to be sexually oriented, no surprise coming from a man. Funny how they don't care until they are tossed out on their ear and then they have to show you what a great person they are.

Don't cave.....be strong, think logically, find the things you want to do in life and don't question yourself. Move on. He can be nice now and I hope that remains but I have a feeling when he doesn't get what he wants from this situation you will see a less than admirable side.


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## Blossom Leigh

Keep preserving your dignity GA Heart.:smthumbup:

You are doing great.


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## lucy999

GA Heart, keep plugging along, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. You did the right thing.

My recently divorced friend has gone down your road re: $. She gets a monthly tidy sum from social security for her sons due to the death of their father. Stepdad, who adopted the boys, spent that money all on himself and his hobbies, while the boys did without.

My friend caught him cheating AGAIN, finally said no more, and pulled the plug. The range of emotions and actions this man went through in a short range of time was disturbing, yet fascinating to watch.

He saw his meal ticket was in danger. Turned on the sweet charm. Sure, she had a few backslides (who wouldn't?), but eventually saw through him. He turned on a dime when he realized his meal ticket was indeed gone. And well, you can guess. The tried and true a&&hole came out because that's what he is. an A&&hole. That's who he is by default. Sounds like your ex is cut from the same cloth.

Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, even the good things. It's all a smokescreen to win his meal ticket back.

Chin up, buttercup. It gets better. I promise. Although it doesn't feel like it, time is your friend right now. You'll get stronger every day.

Even though he 'settled' by being with you (for f&ck's sake OUCH), but that doesn't mean you have to settle for him.

Hang onto that anger and use it to propel you forward. You need it right now.


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## Blossom Leigh

That "settled for you" was merely his attempt to push her down for sure. Glad you are seeing through this stuff GH. Yes, totally ignore the sweet talk... nothing but wolf in sheeps clothing. If you listen closely you will hear his "real" intent.


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## GA HEART

THank you guys, truly. 

I did backslide yesterday a bit. He called and texted several times, said he forgot to leave my spare truck key. He dropped it by the house (my son told me he was there and I drove REALLLLLLLY SLOWWWWWLY to avoid him.) Thankfully I missed him. But he said he needed to ask me an important question about "business." I sent a quick text telling him that I didn't have his money yet (can't pull $3,700 out of my arse) and expected that to be it. But he said he had another business question, so against my better judgement, I called. He asked me something stupid about the water bill that he could have called them for and then told me he just wanted to hear my voice. I said, "you heard it, bye." And hung up.

But then I started feeling more and more lousy and texted him to let him know he suceeded in making me feel worse. (There's my mistake and I know it.) Then we went back and forth a bit. It ended with him saying maybe he wasn't meant to love and be loved. I told him I honestly didn't think he knows HOW to love. And he said that might be true. I sent him a Bible verse (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and left it at that. Haven't heard from him sense.

I have already cried more today than I did yesterday. But again it feels a little different. I"m sad over the loss of what I thought I had. Sad that I thought I FINALLY found real love, but I was tricked yet again. And sad that I am stupid enough to have found myself in that situation yet again. I guess I am proud of me for recognizing it this time though. Doens't make me any happier.......


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## Blossom Leigh

He pulled the pity card... more manipulation and it dug in deep girl to your self doubt. Shake it off.... psychological manipulation is the hardest of all the abuses to spot and avoid. Don't be too hard on yourself, but there are definitely books to help you avoid it next time.

Yes, and opening the door gives him an opportunity to fish these hooks in. Protect your heart by leaving the door shut.


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## Openminded

It's going to take awhile for him to realize his gravy train is no more so expect him to continue and go over in your mind how you will react when it happens. 

I once broke three months of no contact when I answered an email but then I immediately started the no contact clock running again. I tracked every day of no contact until I reached a week. Then I tracked weeks until I reached a month. Then months until I reached a year. After that, I quit counting. I was over him. 

This is not a quick process and it doesn't help that he's continuing to try to get his lifestyle back. Yes, it's difficult and, yes, it hurts. But you can do it!!


----------



## GA HEART

I know I can't make him love me. I know he DID in his weird way, but not in the way I need or deserve. I know that isn't something that can be forced, even if he tried. So I know I don't need him back. I don't even really want him back.

But *I* still love him, and that's the sticker. The stupid "helper" in me is wanting to help him still. How the heck do I get over that?


----------



## ConanHub

Help him by staying clear of him. He will not be helped by a relationship with you and both of you will continue to be harmed as well as your kids.

Your love and affection won't fix what is wrong with him. They are gifts to be given to a deserving man not a cure for the emotionally stunted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

You get over it by telling yourself he's a user and you deserve better. Every time you think of him you imagine a huge stop sign popping up and you redirect your thoughts and focus on something else. 

It's only been a week. You have a very long time to go before you're over him. But it's a setback every time you respond to his texts or talk to him because contact prolongs the healing process. 

Love is an addiction and like any other it's very difficult to break.


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> But *I* still love him, and that's the sticker. The stupid "helper" in me is wanting to help him still. How the heck do I get over that?


Hello Fellow Helper!!! I am too. Took me 12 long years to leave my abusive ex BF because I thought I could help him. It just got worse.

Listen. His problems are bigger than what you can help him with. And as to your help so far, to quote Dr. Phil (sorry): 'How's that workin fer ya?'

Stop being a martyr and altruistic about this (I say this with 100% respect). This isn't about you. It's about him. He failed.

I really like how Openminded ticked away each day of NC. I like that visual. This may sound trite, but get a funny calendar and each day that passes with NC, cross it off. Promise yourself a treat at the end of say, a week, a month of NC.

And don't beat yourself up about slipping up. It's like a diet. You eat something bad for you, well guess what, tomorrow's another day and you hoist yourself back on that diet train again. Same with NC.

We're pulling for you! Stay strong!


----------



## GA HEART

The plot thickens.

MIL (not really, but that's what I called her) texted me back. She has been sick. She says she loves me and the boys and is heartbroken with "our" decision, but if we are happy, so be it. And she hopes to see us soon. I answered that I am very heartbroken and not happy at all, and that I would pass her love on to the boys. I wanted to add more, but I didn't. I know that he is her son and will always be number 1 and there is no point. SHE will help him get back to where he needs to be and hopefully will see what I did soon enough. I guess.

And just an hour ago I found out that my juvenile delinquent 17 year old adopted son who was living with his bio mom just got kicked out and will be moving back in with me to avoid dropping out of school. Life has been so peaceful with him gone. I missed him, but didn't miss his crap.

Really, God? Really?


----------



## GA HEART

Oh and I wonder if the whole FB thing was just made up by the BF. She has always had health issues, and I"m pretty sure she wouldn't have been on FB if she was in the bed. @sshole.


----------



## ConanHub

WOW! Feel for you and praying for your strength. Write it down. This section of your life would make a good movie or book. God loves you. It will get better. Maybe you are being trained? &#55357;&#56841;&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

I have been told to write a book a bunch of times. Perhaps I should. Sadly, this is just the tip of the iceberg! LOL!


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## ConanHub

For everything going on, you sound like a good and fun lady. There is definitely better for you ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

AVR1962 said:


> As hard as it is to do, do not give in to this man. He is not treating you well and it will not get better. You do not need to live like this. Keep going forward with the separation or divorce proceedings. If you find his begging making you weak, take him off your call list, block him, do not answer, do not read his emails or texts. There is a better life for you. Don't buckle to the good that you recall. the bad over-shadows the good here.


Wow, so can we ascertain from this bold statement that YOU have finally gotten rid of YOUR POS husband?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

GA HEART said:


> THank you guys, truly.
> 
> I did backslide yesterday a bit. He called and texted several times, said he forgot to leave my spare truck key. He dropped it by the house (my son told me he was there and I drove REALLLLLLLY SLOWWWWWLY to avoid him.) Thankfully I missed him. But he said he needed to ask me an important question about "business." I sent a quick text telling him that I didn't have his money yet (can't pull $3,700 out of my arse) and expected that to be it. But he said he had another business question, so against my better judgement, I called. He asked me something stupid about the water bill that he could have called them for and then told me he just wanted to hear my voice. I said, "you heard it, bye." And hung up.
> 
> But then I started feeling more and more lousy and texted him to let him know he suceeded in making me feel worse. (There's my mistake and I know it.) Then we went back and forth a bit. It ended with him saying maybe he wasn't meant to love and be loved. I told him I honestly didn't think he knows HOW to love. And he said that might be true. I sent him a Bible verse (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and left it at that. Haven't heard from him sense.
> 
> I have already cried more today than I did yesterday. But again it feels a little different. I"m sad over the loss of what I thought I had. Sad that I thought I FINALLY found real love, but I was tricked yet again. And sad that I am stupid enough to have found myself in that situation yet again. I guess I am proud of me for recognizing it this time though. Doens't make me any happier.......


Believe it or not, you are doing great.  Oh, and tough love with your son...terrible timing on that one.


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> And just an hour ago I found out that my juvenile delinquent 17 year old adopted son who was living with his bio mom just got kicked out and will be moving back in with me to avoid dropping out of school. Life has been so peaceful with him gone. I missed him, but didn't miss his crap.
> 
> Really, God? Really?


Dear Ms. Helper: 

Here's someone that needs your help.  And I do not mean to lessen the intensity of this situation, but maybe, just mayyyybe he can help you, too, by focusing on his problems, thereby keeping your mind occupied after the loss of your sh*tty relationship?

I'm hopeful this young man can still be helped. He needs you. Of course I don't know any of you from Adam, but I venture to guess he's more worthy of your help than ex BF.

Go forth and conquer!


----------



## GA HEART

LOL, thanks. I've already gone down that thought road. The timing is bad at first glance, but maybe this IS what I need to keep me preoccupied. He is definitely a troubled kid. Swears he's different now. We shall see, he still has a TEENAGE brain. Although, like my other boys, he has been through A LOT and is probably in some ways older than he should be. 

And I'm actually tossing around the idea of the book fo reals. LOL!


----------



## AVR1962

Your ex sounds narcissistic.....google it and see if it fits. Untwisting yourself from a narcissistic person can be difficult but it is a must for your own sanity, they are users.


----------



## GA HEART

Yes, I beleive he has sone narcissistic tendancies. I'm not sure I would label him with it, but some of the traits are there.


----------



## GA HEART

NC all day yesterday and so far today. If he got his W2 in the mail, I will have to let him know that......but I will leave it in the mailbox for him and send him a text.

Heart still broken. Thinking about if it's possible for R maybe down the road. Certainly NOT waiting or holding my life for him to realize how much he screwed up. I dunno.


----------



## Openminded

R with someone who just settled for you? Who doesn't want sex with you the way you want sex with him? You think that little of yourself? Really?


----------



## GA HEART

No. 

This is so hard.


----------



## Openminded

Of course it's hard. Love is an addiction and like any other addiction it takes work. 

When thoughts of backsliding pop in your brain just imagine a huge red glowing stop sign and refocus. It's only been a week and you have a long way to go before you are over him.


----------



## GA HEART

Yes.

I came up with something tonight that I think makes some sense. (Although I might not be able to convey it well over the internet, bare with me.)

In the months/weeks leading up to this split, I would occasionally mention that I didn't feel very appreciated. (Which makes sense in hindsight.....if he didn't really have a romantic kind of love for me, he didn't do anything romantic or sweet. No little gestures, grunts of disdain when I would ask for a foot rub or back scratch, lack of lovemaking, etc.) But whenever I would mention not feeling appreciated, he would say the exact same thing! I couldn't understand how on EARTH he would feel unappreciated when I loved on him, scratched his back, did my chores, listened to him, tried to make him happy, TOLD him how much I appreciated him, etc. It always seemed like to me he was feeling like I should appreciate the fact that he was just WITH me. (And at the time, I just thought he was slipping into more and more self-centered-ness.)

Tonight it dawned on me that yes, that's EXACTLY what he felt, but not why he felt that way.

Since he "settled" for me, it must've been a struggle for him to just be with me, KNOWING that I wanted all his love. And he must've been trying very hard to give me what he didn't have to give. So he did feel unappreciated because he WAS unhappy and he was giving it all HE had, and knew it wasn't enough and that *I* wasn't happy. I don't think he did this with conscious thought, however.

Does that make sense?


----------



## GA HEART

P.S. I had to text him tonight to let him know that his W2 came in the mail. He replied with, "thank you. I miss you deeply." To which I replied, "what do you want me to do with these tax documents."

Haven't got a response yet.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I think your have to remember that there is the life he had with you, and you yourself. As you've noted, he wasn't that happy on a personal level with you so you're right, he probably was giving it what he had. But he liked the life he had with you.....a nice house, you to cook for him, lots of support. sex when he had an itch. You see this all the time with spouses that leave.....they weren't happy with their spouse but realize they miss the life they had. People stay with spouses they're not into all the time for a lot of reasons. It's a separate issue from romantic love for you. 

So when he says he misses you deeply, he probably does in the sense that he misses the life he had with you. And maybe on some level he misses your company, but he doesn't miss you as a romantic partner because he didn't want it. You're not married, you don't have kids together, there's no reason for you to waste good daylight on a guy that's not that into you but is happy to use you. And it sounds like you're not going to be easy to replace as someone he can use.

I can think of no greater turnoff then knowing the person I'm with doesn't really want to be with me romantically. You can and will find someone that does, but not until this guy is out of your life.


----------



## Openminded

Yes, it totally makes sense. 

As he said, he may not even be capable of love. And being with someone who loves you when you don't love them is difficult (I'm not excusing him in any way -- I think he's a user -- just explaining what I think his unhappiness stemmed from).


----------



## GA HEART

I'm an over analyzer (can ya tell? lol!) But realizing this kind of stuff does help me move on in a way. 

My heart has always been a biatch. Always.


----------



## Openminded

Well, now is the time to realize your heart can lead you astray so that you're careful in the future. 

You're young and you'll find someone worthy of you.


----------



## ConanHub

GA HEART said:


> I'm an over analyzer (can ya tell? lol!) But realizing this kind of stuff does help me move on in a way.
> 
> My heart has always been a biatch. Always.


Analyze away hon. Dealing with heartbreak isn't easy. But understand that you were giving real love and affection while he was giving something much more pale and weak. As far as generosity in a relationship, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GA HEART

I'm nearly 40, how is that young? LOL! 

Thanks for listening to me go on and on. Really. I appreciate it.


----------



## Openminded

Believe me, you're young. By the time you're my age and look back at your now-self you'll realize just how young you were in 2015. With plenty of time to find the right man.


----------



## GA HEART

Ooops. 

I failed again last night. 

He finally texted back last night and told me to leave the tox documents in the foyer (the rest of the house is separate and lockable.) I asked him to leave the keys too, as he forgot to leave them as well. Forgot, or did it on purpose because he took offense to that. 

He had started a new trivia crack game with me. I declined it again and said that I wasn't ready to "be friends. Told him my heart had to let him go before we could try that. I wasn't ready."

Him: "i see"
Me: "do you see?"
Him "yes:
Me: "what do you see?"
Him: "I'm sh!t to you now"
me: "you dont see at all"
him: "i see you dont love me anymore. you think I am going to rob you. "you think im sh!t to you now."
me: "youre looking through the wrong lens."
him: (he replied with something strange, I had zero clue what he was trying to say) "i see i'm making all request of me and still dont see you filling thru" ??
me: "i dont understand what you meant with that last text"
him: "youre killing me!!! tearing me down."
me: "im not trying to. im trying to heal me."

And that was it. :-/

BAD, bad GA HEART.


----------



## ConanHub

WHAT A LOSER!!! I don't trust this guy at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

I dont think I have anything to fear from him. I dont think he is going to "rob" me. What I do think is that hes thinking I'm going to change my mind and beg him to come back.

He's wrong.

I broke the NC rule, but these little convos are somewhat healing for me. Empowering. I'm not trying to play headgames at all. But it's becoming more and more clear that my suspicions about his emotional maturity are dead on. He's an emotional child. A nearly 42 year old stunted man. 

I'm still so sad. I love him still. But I'm raising my own children. I want an equal partner, not another child to raise.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

He has an emotional infection that makes him unsafe for relationships. Toxic man. Until he gets help and heals that infection he emotional availability is non existant. Let him find that help on his own since you two don't share in marriage or have children together.

And protect your heart from his infection.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

GA HEART said:


> I dont think I have anything to fear from him. I dont think he is going to "rob" me. What I do think is that hes thinking I'm going to change my mind and beg him to come back.
> 
> He's wrong.
> 
> I broke the NC rule, but these little convos are somewhat healing for me. Empowering. I'm not trying to play headgames at all. But it's becoming more and more clear that my suspicions about his emotional maturity are dead on. He's an emotional child. A nearly 42 year old stunted man.
> 
> I'm still so sad. I love him still. But I'm raising my own children. I want an equal partner, not another child to raise.


Sounds very accurate to me. Good for you!!


----------



## lucy999

Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to.

You're doing great, GA Heart. 

When does your adopted son move in with you?


----------



## GA HEART

I"m going to pick him up Sunday. We are starting out well.....he asked me if I could pick him up at his girlfriends house and then swing back by and pick up his stuff (he lives 4.5 hours away.) I responded with a definite NO. You and your stuff need to be at a central location. I will not drive all over kingdom come to accomodate you. (I used to do these things for him when he lived with me before.) I expected the same teenage backlash I always got, but he said, "Ok mama. Love you."

It's a start.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

GA HEART said:


> I"m going to pick him up Sunday. We are starting out well.....he asked me if I could pick him up at his girlfriends house and then swing back by and pick up his stuff (he lives 4.5 hours away.) I responded with a definite NO. You and your stuff need to be at a central location. I will not drive all over kingdom come to accomodate you. (I used to do these things for him when he lived with me before.) I expected the same teenage backlash I always got, but he said, "Ok mama. Love you."
> 
> It's a start.


A start for WHAT, exactly? I'm confused...what are you picking him up for, to move his stuff out of your house? :scratchhead: Pretty nervey of him to ask you to drive 4.5 hrs!


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## GA HEART

3Xnocharm said:


> A start for WHAT, exactly? I'm confused...what are you picking him up for, to move his stuff out of your house? :scratchhead: Pretty nervey of him to ask you to drive 4.5 hrs!


Not the (ex) BF, my troubled teenage adopted son. Because I didn't have enough stress in my life. I lose one problem and pick up another all within a week's time. Yay life! LOL!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

GA HEART said:


> Not the (ex) BF, my troubled teenage adopted son. Because I didn't have enough stress in my life. I lose one problem and pick up another all within a week's time. Yay life! LOL!


OH! :slap: I got lost there, apparently, LOL!


----------



## GA HEART

LOL! It's ok. I kinda jumped. 

Look, something shiney! Haha.


----------



## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> I"m going to pick him up Sunday. We are starting out well.....he asked me if I could pick him up at his girlfriends house and then swing back by and pick up his stuff (he lives 4.5 hours away.) I responded with a definite NO. You and your stuff need to be at a central location. I will not drive all over kingdom come to accomodate you. (I used to do these things for him when he lived with me before.) I expected the same teenage backlash I always got, but he said, "Ok mama. Love you."
> 
> It's a start.


Good, stay strong and keep it this way. You deserve better!!!! My ex had an affair and once I knew about it he was quite open with it. He told me he loved me, asked me to wait for him, said the affair was going down-hill, asked me if I thought a person could be in love with two people at the same time, asked me to lunch one day to talk. He was trying to be sweet but he wasn't willing to give up the girlfriend, lied his way thru counseling and as much as I wanted my husband with his two children and back with me, I knew his heart wasn't with me and I could never trust this man again. Keep walking GA Heart!!!!! It is a process, you can do this!


----------



## GA HEART

He stopped by to get his tax documents. I tried to keep it on the front porch, but he wanted to come in and say hi to the boys. In the hour he was here, he hugged me, kissed me, asked to move back in, asked to work it out and NOT move back in, offered to "put a ring on it," asked me to lunch, asked me if I wanted him to rub my feet, and asked me if I wanted to make love.

Finally he left, angry, saying that all the stuff I'm posting on facebook indicates that I am refusing to accept my responsibility in the downfall of our relationship.

I am drained. I prayed a lot. It was hard to not cave and say yes to any of that. But I didn't.


----------



## GA HEART

Well, I did kiss him back some.


----------



## lucy999

You're doing GREAT!!!!!!!

You are strong. Stronger than you think. I'd be sorely tempted.

Steer the course. 

Your strength is very inspiring.:smthumbup:


----------



## ConanHub

Draw a boundary and do not cross it. This guy is not interested in making real change but just playing you.

Do you have a male friend that can be around when you have to interact? Another man can really put a damper on Romeo and keep your head a little more clear just with his presence.


----------



## GA HEART

No male friends (plenty of stalkers that would LOVE the opportunity...my facebook and phone has been blowing up since he left. Even had a creeper at work ask me out. Really dude, give me a flipping week!) But I think (hope) it will get easier from here. I have to see him again at some point next week to get a title for my car from him. Hopefully we can do it during the week where we have less time.

But I think it's bad that I really WANTED to say yes. Because I'm not gonna lie. I did want to. I wanted to say yes to all of that. I want him to love me like he did at first, like he tried to show today.


----------



## Blondilocks

The next time he wants to come over, ask him why. If he needs something, set it on the porch and don't bother to open the door. Don't let him in the house again.


----------



## ConanHub

This guy should be told, in no uncertain terms, that touching you is off limits!

You also need better male friends. You on the radar of far too many creeps.


----------



## GA HEART

I have some good ones, just none close by. 

But I wanted him to touch me. Sigh......

I'm doing what I should instead of what I want. (Well, mostly. Kinda.)

I have zero desire to really have much interaction with anyone of the opposite sex right now. All my friends agree with you guys though. Even the people that know us best. My best friend thinks that perhaps we could try again in the future as long as he doens't move in. But I want a life with someone eventually.....


----------



## lifeistooshort

The anger and tantrum are the result of him not being able to manipulate you and not being able to get his gravy train back. You've already seen who he really is. 

It's natural for you to be tempted, of course you want him to love you. But he's already shown you he doesn't..... people show who they are when they think there are no consequences. Right now he has every reason to be on good behavior, but if you take a ring and marry this guy he'll figure you're stuck. it'll be much harder to get out of. 

Next time don't let him touch you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks

Try associating your wants with something negative. You want to be physical with him - picture a bucket of burning coals. You know he's raked you over enough of them.


----------



## Openminded

You are his only option and he's going to continue trying to manipulate you because he knows the hold he has over you. 

You need to stop putting yourself in situations where that can happen because he's not going to stop. Why would he. He knows you want him and you are his only hope for getting away from his parents. 

This will be going on as long as you let it.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Right now he has the upper hand emotionally because from that perspective you want him more then he wants you. That's why he offers up what he wouldn't when he lived there, it's his only means of manipulating you. Financially you have the upper hand, he needs you more than you need him. Try to focus on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GA HEART

Yes, since he's left, he's been texting me about the money. He said "I'm taking advantage of him because I haven't asked my parents for the money." 

I"m looking into a personal loan next week so I can get him off my case. I have a good relationship with my bank......hopefully I can make it work.


----------



## turnera

GA HEART said:


> And i did text his mom. Just to tell her me and the boys loved them and that I was so heartbroken over how things are working out. She never responded. Of course *I don't expect her to want to have anything to do with me now. *


At least you know he got it honestly.


----------



## turnera

GA HEART said:


> NC all day yesterday and so far today. If he got his W2 in the mail, I will have to let him know that......but I will leave it in the mailbox for him and send him a text.
> 
> Heart still broken. *Thinking about if it's possible for R maybe down the road*. Certainly NOT waiting or holding my life for him to realize how much he screwed up. I dunno.


Explain WHY?

He hasn't changed, he's not GOING to change, so all you'd be doing is taking a break so you can just pick up the abuse and blame and heartache right where you left off. 

Because you KNOW it would just be exactly the same. 

No, I take that back. It will be WORSE. Because if you take him back now, he will KNOW that you're weak, malleable, desperate, and willing to be his 'b*tch,' and he will treat you worse than ever before.

it's what they do.


----------



## turnera

GA HEART said:


> In the hour he was here, he hugged me, kissed me, asked to move back in, asked to work it out and NOT move back in, offered to "put a ring on it," asked me to lunch, asked me if I wanted him to rub my feet, and asked me if I wanted to make love.
> 
> Finally he left, angry, saying that all the stuff I'm posting on facebook indicates that I am refusing to accept my responsibility in the downfall of our relationship.


In other words, he went through the whole cycle that abusers/controllers do - sweettalk, cajole, promise, bargain, and when that doesn't work, blame and threaten. You haven't seen the threaten yet. Hopefully you never will.


----------



## GA HEART

Now he's starting in on the texting.

I think it might be starting to sink in that I am serious.

He's quit trying to blame me and play me, and I'm seeing teeny glimpses of the man I knew last year. Very small glimpses. 

I feel a lot better. Having my other son home has kept me busy....mentally and physically. But when I think about the exbf, I don't burst into tears anymore. We have chatted some via text, but I don't have to fight the urge to ask him to come back. It's not really there. I still miss him (and still love him) but I feel like this is right. He needs A LOT of time and self work to get where he needs to be, and I can't do it for him. I don't mind being "friends" I guess, but I am not putting life on hold. I"m taking care of me and mine and moving forward.


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> Now he's starting in on the texting.
> 
> I think it might be starting to sink in that I am serious.
> 
> He's quit trying to blame me and play me, and I'm seeing teeny glimpses of the man I knew last year. Very small glimpses.
> 
> I feel a lot better. Having my other son home has kept me busy....mentally and physically. But when I think about the exbf, I don't burst into tears anymore. We have chatted some via text, but I don't have to fight the urge to ask him to come back. It's not really there. I still miss him (and still love him) but I feel like this is right. He needs A LOT of time and self work to get where he needs to be, and I can't do it for him. I don't mind being "friends" I guess, but I am not putting life on hold. I"m taking care of me and mine and moving forward.


:smthumbup: Great job!

BTW I've been meaning to ask; what's all of this talk of $ and you getting a loan of some sort? Forgive me if that's been addressed.

Should there be concern he's asking for $?


----------



## GA HEART

I owe him money that he put down for the house. It was only about 25%. And I need to refinance to gey his name off the loan. That was an agreement we had before we purchased it in case this situation happened.


----------



## lucy999

Ok gotchya. Thanks.


----------



## turnera

Doesn't mean you have to put your life in disarray to hurry up and get him the money. HE caused this. 

He can wait until it's convenient for you.


----------



## PBear

turnera said:


> Doesn't mean you have to put your life in disarray to hurry up and get him the money. HE caused this.
> 
> He can wait until it's convenient for you.


It's also his residence until she gets him officially out of there, and one of his ties to her. It's in her best interest to do it soon. 

C


----------



## turnera

I agree, but if she's going crazy about this, which situation is worse?


----------



## GA HEART

He only pressures me about the money when he flips on the "she's serious" switch. After I posted this last night, he went back into pity party mode. He didn't mention the money, but just mentioned how sad he was because he "lost his love" and "his partner doens't want him anymore."

I was hoping he was turning the corner into understanding, but he hasn't. I'm going to go back into NC mode. I can't make him see. And I shouldn't try. 

I haven't got the money yet, and I am trying not to stress it. But I am calling the bank today.


----------



## lifeistooshort

It's not your job to make him see, and he's lost his gravy train not his love. He's trying to manipulate with the carrot be knows you want. You're doing a great job.

My ex fought our divorce tooth and nail even though it was obvious to anyone that he couldn't stand me. He did like his life with me though. Sound familiar? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded

NC is definitely the best way to get over someone. You just drag it out otherwise. I know that all too well. 

He will continue texting and calling as long as he thinks there's a chance to manipulate you into giving him his lifestyle back. Expect it and ignore it.


----------



## AVR1962

Openminded said:


> NC is definitely the best way to get over someone. You just drag it out otherwise. I know that all too well.
> 
> He will continue texting and calling as long as he thinks there's a chance to manipulate you into giving him his lifestyle back. Expect it and ignore it.


Absolutely!! We think we are kind by continuing to answer but in reality we only keep our misery alive. We want things to change but they can't. We hope for something new again within the old but it's not going to happen. It's hard for us to let go sometimes but we have to and the best way for us to move on is with no contact.


----------



## Openminded

Very true, AVR. I would "like" your post a thousand times if I could.


----------



## bastian36

1. You're paying all your bills.
2. He's calling you names.

That's not love. Move on and find yourself a better half that will be worthy of your love and time. Sorry, but you know that's true, right? Good luck!


----------



## GA HEART

So I suck at NC.

But I finally told him this morning to leave me the fvck alone unless it has to do with the house or his mail. He said as soon as he gets his money he is out of my life. Thank God.

Last night was awful. Yes, I engaged in it, my fault. But all he wanted to do was blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. It was over 2 hours of texting uglies back and forth. Not worth it. But it got me angry again. 

I'm not losing anything but a PIA. I"m gaining my freedom and self worth. Win-win.

Jeez, how did I end up with him anyway?


----------



## turnera

You gave him the benefit of the doubt. And he trashed it. Good riddance.

Now stop responding to ANY texts until the money is available.


----------



## GA HEART

Indeed.

Knowing me, I will flip back to the other side at least 12 more times. Sigh....

At least I don't cry daily. Progress.


----------



## turnera

TODAY, do not respond to a single email or text or call.

Tomorrow's another day. You can do this for one day.


----------



## GA HEART

Oh yes, I'm mad enough to last today. Probably the rest of the week through the weekend. (I hope!) LOL!


----------



## JustTired

GAHeart,

I wouldn't even bother telling him he has mail. He is a grown man & is capable of going to the Post Office to get his mail forwarded, hell, you can do that online too (I did). He is using his mail as an excuse to keep in contact with you & give you the blues at any chance he gets. Stop telling him about the mail. If mail comes to your house for him, write in big bold letters across the front of the envelope: "RETURN TO SENDER. NO SUCH PERSON AT THIS ADDRESS". That is not illegal to do, he is a grown ass man that needs to handle his own affairs. You are not his personal post office. If he is late on bills - oh well, boo hoo. Most creditors have websites that you can log into & pay your bill. None of this is your responsibility.

Your ex-BF reminds me a lot of an ex-BF that I was living with. When he didn't gethis way he would try to nice me into it, when I didn't give in he became a monster. He used to try to use the mail coming to my house as an excuse to come over & keep in contact with me as well.

Tell him that the next time he hears from you is when you have his money ready & you need him present to get him off the deed/mortgage. Block him in the meantime or have him go automatically to voice mail. You don't need to entertain his antics, it will only upset you.

Oh & change your locks. That way you don't need any keys back from him, he can keep that old key. And one less thing you have to contact him for.


----------



## Openminded

How I survived the period of NC (with one backslide when I answered an email) until I reached my goal of indifference a year later was literally live in the moment and not beyond that. 

You're addicted to him, and who you thought he was, and that makes withdrawal very difficult (I've been there and I understand). Part of you keeps hoping he'll change. But he won't.


----------



## Openminded

His mail is not your problem. He should have filed a forwarding order. Since he didn't, do it for him. Then neither of you have an excuse to be in contact about that.


----------



## GA HEART

At least it's getting easier. THe withdrawl periods are lasting shorter and shorter.

I just went back and read some of my old posts, from before I even met him.

I am a hot flippin mess.

At least I am in a different place now than I was then (within myself.) 

Sigh.....


----------



## JustTired

GA HEART said:


> At least it's getting easier. THe withdrawl periods are lasting shorter and shorter.
> 
> I just went back and read some of my old posts, from before I even met him.
> 
> I am a hot flippin mess.
> 
> At least I am in a different place now than I was then (within myself.)
> 
> Sigh.....


It's all good, I have been there right along with you. I probably am still a hot mess.  You are human, we make mistakes. A year from now you can look back at all of this & say, "Man, I dodged a bullet there!".


ETA: I just thought of something else. Don't give him his money before getting his name off the house. Give him his money at the same time he is taking his name off the house. That way you only see him one last final time.


----------



## IamSomebody

JustTired said:


> ETA: I just thought of something else. Don't give him his money before getting his name off the house. Give him his money at the same time he is taking his name off the house. That way you only see him one last final time.


Have all of this done at an attorney's office. Have it all notarized. Let the attorney contact him as to when he should come and sign things and that ALL communication should be through him/her (the attorney). Have an attorney oversee this entire process. It will be worth every penny and, hopefully, keep XBF in line.

IamSomebody


----------



## Blossom Leigh

GA Heart.... money is leverage. The faster you can give him his money the faster you can deleverage yourself from him.


----------



## Blondilocks

Whatever you do, do not give him the money until he signs off on the house.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Blondilocks said:


> Whatever you do, do not give him the money until he signs off on the house.


Great point Blondilocks.

Yes, maintain your leverage until he is off the house...


----------



## GA HEART

No, no money will be given without the QC deed in hand and signed. Unfortunately, I cannot hire an atty for this since I"m already hard pressed to gather up the money in the first place. BUT fortunately, I work in real estate and have deed writing experience, plus am aware of how the process works for filing at the courthouse and such. It has to be notorized, but I also work with several notary publics (and am one myself, although I can't use my own, lol!) So at least there's that.

I"m hoping to have the money scraped together by next month.


----------



## GA HEART

On second thought.....I will at least call the atty that did the closing and see how much they would charge. It might not be too much. Worth a phone call to find out anyway. They might even charge less if I drew up my own deed and they just looked it over.


----------



## GA HEART

So, I was wrong. My anger wasn't enough to sustain me. (Was that really just 2 days ago?) 

I still haven't contacted him, but the nagging feeling of giving up too soon is still there. I KNOW I didn't, I KNOW I gave him as many chances (and prolly more) than I could, and I KNOW I"m doing the right thing.

SHUT UP FEELS!!!! JUST SHUT UP! 

Anyone want a heart? For free? Just make sure it's cut out completely.


----------



## turnera

What are you doing different today? New park to walk in, new hole in the wall restaurant to try, new bookstore to lurk in...fill your time and thoughts with NEW stuff, to push away the old stuff.


----------



## happy as a clam

GA Heart...

*RESIST THE TEMPTATION!!!!*

Do NOT contact him!!

You're doing good, Sister. Focus on the real estate transaction and "untangling" as quickly as possible.

Heck, you can always date him in the future, AFTER you separate this messy financial situation.

And a word of advice... NEVER buy a piece of real-estate with an UN-MARRIED partner again! 

My SO and I are together for the LONG HAUL, but the house I purchased is in *MY NAME ONLY.* We share the utilities, the cable, phone, groceries, etc. but I BOUGHT the house and it is in MY NAME ONLY. He has no problem with this as he owns his own real estate.

In the future, whether it's with THIS guy or someone else, DON'T muddy up your housing situation -- *it could compromise the well-being of your children.* That' the LAST thing you want...


----------



## GA HEART

Watching 50 Shades last night probably didn't help. It was AWFUL. LOL! Awful acting, awful story, awful portrayal of the lifestyle (I know people in it) and even the "steamy" parts had me yawning.

But of course the "first time" had me thinking about OUR first time, and....yeah.....


----------



## GA HEART

I"m going to take my boys out tonight. Dinner or something. My job is a lot of my problem. (It's a fast pace or comatose type of position and I"ve been stuck in comatose for far too long.)


----------



## PBear

Go back and re-read your old posts... Hang in there! 

FWIW, I don't think your real estate setup was all that bad. It complicates things somewhat, but you protected yourself properly. It's not much worse than signing a lease with someone... Getting them off the lease can be a ******, if the landlord doesn't want to cooperate. 

C


----------



## Openminded

Whenever you're tempted, just remind yourself that while you really want sex with him he doesn't really want sex with you (unless he's trying to manipulate you into letting him back into your life). 

Remind yourself he said he settled for you and that he doesn't think he's capable of love. He's not what you need. You deserve better. Much, much better.


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> Watching 50 Shades last night probably didn't help. It was AWFUL. LOL! Awful acting, awful story, awful portrayal of the lifestyle (I know people in it) and even the "steamy" parts had me yawning.


Haha don't get me started, lady! 50 Shades is a latter-day Ann Rice Beauty trilogy. The trilogy is waaay better.

But don't read the triology unless you have BOB beside you. 

One foot in front of the other; you're doing just fine.


----------



## Blondilocks

Why are you trying to convince yourself to settle? To settle for someone who thinks you're B list material. To settle for someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.

For pete's sake, woman, want better for yourself! And, get yourself a new BOB.


----------



## GA HEART

I"ve read Sleeping Beauty. Definitely several levels above 50 shades. LOL! And I have two BOBs, but it's ok, they don't get upset about each other. Haha!

Just found out that my kiddo can't get enrolled in school. Been trying since Monday. He doens't have enough credits (due to failing and skipping) to graduate before he "ages out" at 20. There is an online program that will catch him up, but he has to do it at home. I work full time. THis is going to be a challenge and he will NOT be happy. (My other son is dual enrollment, will be graduating with college credits.....hows that for night and day.  )

Ugh....


----------



## arbitrator

GA HEART said:


> Watching 50 Shades last night probably didn't help. It was AWFUL. LOL! Awful acting, awful story, awful portrayal of the lifestyle (I know people in it) and even the "steamy" parts had me yawning.
> 
> But of course the "first time" had me thinking about OUR first time, and....yeah.....


*GA: Stay away from movies like 50 Shades, or for that matter, any other emotional movie of that genre that might actually come to trigger flashbacks for you! Just sayin'!*


----------



## GA HEART

It did! I hadn't planned on watching it, but a co-worker invited me and bought me a ticket. It was awful anyway, so that did help. 

Now I'm preoccupied with my kid and his issues. That's a blessing and a curse at the moment.


----------



## turnera

Blondilocks said:


> Why are you trying to convince yourself to settle? To settle for someone who thinks you're B list material. To settle for someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.
> 
> For pete's sake, woman, want better for yourself! And, get yourself a new BOB.


You wanna know a secret? Something that's better than Anne Rice books? Westerns. Written for men, they describe the requisite bedroom scenes...well, you just have to try some to believe them. I keep one in the bedside table just in case I want to get 'interested.'


----------



## GA HEART

Like Louis L'amour? I haven't read any of those.


----------



## turnera

Yeah, that kind of stuff. You'd have to read it to believe it. 100% from a man's perspective. I started reading them because I was looking for a particular story line, and I read a little bit of every genre, but when I got to those I just had to keep a couple...lol


----------



## GA HEART

I will check it out next time i'm in the big city and near a bookstore. LOL! Rural living is great in a lot of ways......meeting people and actually having access to a honest to goodness bookstore is not one of them.


----------



## Blondilocks

Get yourself a Kindle from Amazon & download anything you want & a lot of it is free. Great gadget for travel, too.

I'll have to get my brother to send me some of his Westerns & have a little look-see.


----------



## GA HEART

If I had a Kindle, I probably wouldn't get anything done, ever. Of course it's MY house now and I can not clean if I want to! Laundry and dishes piled sky high! Whee!


----------



## Openminded

I had forgotten he didn't like the way you cleaned house. Wasn't good enough for him, as I recall. 

Focus on what you are free of instead of focusing on what you miss.


----------



## IamSomebody

GA HEART said:


> I"ve read Sleeping Beauty. Definitely several levels above 50 shades. LOL! And I have two BOBs, but it's ok, they don't get upset about each other. Haha!
> 
> Just found out that my kiddo can't get enrolled in school. Been trying since Monday. He doens't have enough credits (due to failing and skipping) to graduate before he "ages out" at 20. There is an online program that will catch him up, but he has to do it at home. I work full time. THis is going to be a challenge and he will NOT be happy. (My other son is dual enrollment, will be graduating with college credits.....hows that for night and day.  )
> 
> Ugh....


Federal law says your son won't "age out" until is 22nd birthday. Whoever told you it is age 20 is either a fool or a liar.

_§300.101 Free appropriate public education (FAPE).

(a) General. A free appropriate public education must be available to all children residing in the State between the ages of 3 and 21, inclusive, including children with disabilities who have been suspended or expelled from school, as provided for in §300.530(d)._

IamSomebody


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## GA HEART

The school is a Charter system, but the only public high school in my county. I suppose they can do anything they want. I am going up there to petition the issue Tuesday (tomorrow is a holiday.)

The ex texted me today and told me he knows why he changed. He said he wanted to tell me in person. Said he could swing by. I told him today wasn't the best day. He then proceeded to tell me via text.

I am quoting this exactly, my thoughts and explainations in parenthesis:

"My drinking. That's what changed me. Up until I met you that night in [city] I had been free of drugs and alcohol. Then we go out and I drank a couple. You guys drank a lot. (We had gone on a double date with my bestie and her BF.....she and I were enjoying the outing and got a little tipsy....I am not a big drinker. Never have been.) For a while I didn't really drink much. Then I moved in by myself and it got to be every day. (He and I bought the house together in December, but I didn't move me and the boys in until May. He was there by himself until then.) My attitude and patience and empathy started to change. I became hopeless because my relationship failed with [his kids] (long story, nothing to do with us....parental alienation was involved. I tried my best to be supportive, but could only do so much.) I was mad at myself for not stopping something I knew in my heart was changing me. Then I began to be more critical of you and it made me feel better about myself. I began to resent you. I think it's because you had everything you wanted and I didn't. (I certainly didn't/don't have everything I WANTED, but I am generally a happy person, despite.) I felt I was constantly having to ask for help around the house. I resented that. (He loved to nag on some things, but I did a LOT without nagging. We just had different views on what constitutes a clean house. To me it was always clean because things were picked up and vacuumed. To him, everything needed to be a STERILE clean....fresh out of a home magazine type clean. A sterile environment is not something I care about. I LIVE here.) If I live by the 12 steps I don't resent. (His drinking had been the focal point of some of our earlier fights. He DID have a problem, but when I tried to point it out, it was always "not that bad" or he "didn't have a problem." I had asked him to limit it to weekends at one point and he agreed, but then he started hiding it from me. So I told him I would rather him do it in front of me. It was an issue I basically had just given up on, honestly. I personally drink very rarely at home....sometimes very much encouraged by him so he wouldn't have to "drink alone." And I will drink when I go out, but not always. I probably get tipsy once or twice a year.) I got fat and resented myself for not following through with commitments to myself. You stopped following through with commitments you made to yourself as well. (He gained about 50 pounds by the time he left, I gained about 20 total.....yes, I gained, but there are other issues that contributed to that.) It all started that night in [city.] I thought you were a heavy drinker and you wouldn't like me if I said I wasn't (SO NOT TRUE! Heavy drinking is actually a turn off to me.) Then I opened the floodgates. I was so happy and confident in my walk. I'm not blaming you. Please dont think that. i'm blaming myself."

So I did text back and ask him what was he going to do about it? Go back to AA? And he said that's the plan. I told him that I thought it was a good idea, for what it was worth. He said thank you and have a good week.

I came home after church and took a nap, which is highly unusual for me. I was just feeling emotionally drained. I still love this man so much. I know this is something he has to deal with on his own. But I want to love and support him through this. (Stupid helper mentality!)


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## lifeistooshort

Please do not engage him. This is not your battle to fight, indeed you were an enabler and you can't know if this is a, manipulation tactic to get back in. He tried anger, he tried sweetness, he tried pity. They didn't work so now he's trying self reflection..... but that doesn't mean he'll actually do anything about it. Remove yourself from this and if at some point he does a lot of work to can try dating without letting him move back in. Let him get his own life together without you or his parents trying to fix him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

No worries on letting him move back in. That isn't going to happen, and I am still going to get his name off the house. I agree that he HAS to do this on his own. He has to.

I am planning on moving on in the sense that I am not waiting for him to change. Because that's about as productive as watching grass grow. But there's that dumb part of me that hopes he can and we have a chance in the future. If that dumb part doesn't shut up, then I essentially WILL be waiting on him to change. And I know that's counterproductive.

How does one NOT be an enabler?  Do I just leave anyone at the first sign of non-perfection? I am way too accepting of people. It's a blessing and a curse.


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## lifeistooshort

You have a lot of compassion and that's a good thing. But as you've seen broken people will take advantage of this. The way you deal with it is to cut him off completely for a set amount of time, say 6 months to a year, and then take a look at where you are. It'll give you time to detach and think clearly and you'll be able to evaluate what he's done better himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

How do you not be an enabler? By enforcing consequences for his actions and not allowing him to use you. 

He has no place to go once his parents decide his time's up there so he's trying everything he can to convince you to let him back in your life. He isn't going to stop as long as you keep engaging him. 

Do you really want someone you have to beg for sex? Didn't he use the excuse of your weight gain (you gained 20 while he gained 50)? He was being truthful when he said he settled for you. That's something you need to remember every day. 

He could obviously see by your actions after that first night that you weren't much of a drinker (or why would you ask him to stop drinking) so that's an attempt to manipulate you when he said he felt you wouldn't like him if he wasn't a drinker. He wants you to feel sorry for him. Don't. His problems are his to solve without your involvement. 

You are in love with your idea of who he is. But the person you love is not who he really is. He told you he didn't think he was capable of love. Believe him.


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## IamSomebody

GA HEART said:


> The school is a Charter system, but the only public high school in my county. I suppose they can do anything they want. I am going up there to petition the issue Tuesday (tomorrow is a holiday.)


I cited you the exact federal law which applies to your son. Public schools, charter schools and even private schools_* MUST*_ abide by federal laws. When people say, "Oh well" schools won't do what they are legally regarded to do. There is a process and it is your son who will suffer due to your inaction.

IamSomebody


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## turnera

Aww, poor baby. He saw you drinking, thought he had to 'become' a drinker to please you, and his CRAP was all downhill from there. Lovely of you to CAUSE it.


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## AVR1962

H'es minimizing his behavior and pointing out yours and seeing it as reason for him. That's screwed up thinking in his head or it is shear manipulation. Do NOT be a part of his recovery, he has to do this himself if he is sincere.


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## GA HEART

IamSomebody said:


> I cited you the exact federal law which applies to your son. Public schools, charter schools and even private schools_* MUST*_ abide by federal laws. When people say, "Oh well" schools won't do what they are legally regarded to do. There is a process and it is your son who will suffer due to your inaction.
> 
> IamSomebody


Who says I am not going to fight this? That's my plan for tomorrow. Thanks for the info! I've also researched the Charter. There is a board meeting Thursday, and my happy behind is planning on showing up if it doesn't go well tomorrow.


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## GA HEART

And thanks guys. 

Yes, it's on him. 

I had a session with my counselor last night. It went well. I have "homework" this week of loving on me and redirecting my thoughts. It's difficult, but I know that practice makes perfect. And I can fake it well enough. (Fake it till you make it!)

My best friend gave me the idea of leasing the exBF's horse out, and arranged for a friend of hers to take it on. That will help with feed and hoof bills. (It's my horse technically, but I bought her for him to ride.) I am sad about letting her go, but it's a good thing. And I'm not losing her. (I don't want to sell her just yet, she's a great horse!) I still have my other two. But this will help with a little bit of the bills, since I took some on recently (along with the expense of another kiddo!)


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## turnera

What a great idea!

Did your IC tell you to write out affirmations and tape them to your bathroom mirror, and then speak them out loud to yourself every day? Sounds corny, but it really works.


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## GA HEART

Nope, but I shall do that! Good idea!

I really was in a better place emotionally when I met the exBF. She said I don't need to go back to that place (because we can't go back,) but BRING IT FORWARD to me again. I liked that.


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## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> And thanks guys.
> 
> Yes, it's on him.
> 
> I had a session with my counselor last night. It went well. I have "homework" this week of loving on me and redirecting my thoughts. It's difficult, but I know that practice makes perfect. And I can fake it well enough. (Fake it till you make it!)
> 
> My best friend gave me the idea of leasing the exBF's horse out, and arranged for a friend of hers to take it on. That will help with feed and hoof bills. (It's my horse technically, but I bought her for him to ride.) I am sad about letting her go, but it's a good thing. And I'm not losing her. (I don't want to sell her just yet, she's a great horse!) I still have my other two. But this will help with a little bit of the bills, since I took some on recently (along with the expense of another kiddo!)


Ah wonderful! Amazing what we find hen we start reaching out and how great for you!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!! Can you feel my hug???? Feel it lady!!!!! Big hugs!!!!


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## GA HEART

Thanks for the hugs! Hugs back! And thank you all, truly, for the support. For whatever reason, support from total strangers on the internet is a win. Maybe it's because I know that you guys don't know me, don't know him, don't have even a hair of a dog in my fight.....but still take the time to acknowledge and help. 

So.......good news and bad news.....

MY KID IS IN SCHOOL!!!!!! That's the good news! I argued my case, showed them my research on it (laws that state he is eligible to be registered) and pleaded. They agreed to register him in "catch up" online courses to be taken AT the school. I am beyond thrilled. I will probably hire a tutor to help him with his math, since that is his biggest problem.

But bad news......I have an appointment tomorrow for a full STI panel. It wasn't something that even entered my mind until last night. Then for whatever reason it hit me like a ton of bricks at like 11 at night. All the "little" things (symptoms) that HE has been showing that were always attributed to something else.......the slight pain in my abdomen that I sometimes felt......his attitude change towards me.....his lack of interest in the bedroom......

Better safe than sorry. But I have a gut feeling. They say that 'C' is the "silent" one. If tomorrow turns out ugly.......I don't know what I'm going to do. July, 2014 everything was negative. There hasn't been anyone else other than him on MY end.....


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## lucy999

WOW congratulations!!!! Your son is so very lucky to have you on his team. Good on you for fighting for his rights. I think this will teach him a valuable lesson, too-fight for what you think is right. AND YOU WON!!!!!:smthumbup:

RE: STI panel. Sigh. Been there, done that. And it was an afterthought as well. Hoping everything comes back negative.


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## Openminded

Great news about your son!! He's very lucky to have you. 

Keeping my fingers crossed for the STI panel. Try not to focus too much on it. Difficult, I know, but you'll cross that bridge if and when you have to.


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## 4x4

Best wishes Heart! You're doing great.


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## Blossom Leigh

Great progression GA Heart :smthumbup:


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## ConanHub

Best wishes GA. Good job with everything! Praying for your STI to come out ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962

Wonderful news!!!!!! Good luck with the test!!!!! Stay strong!!!!!!


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## lonelyhusband321

GA Heart - you are handling things VERY well. Keep it up - even when things get tough!!!

Best of luck with the test results...


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## GA HEART

Thanks guys! 

I"m feeling pretty good today. Thinking that perhaps the "paranoia bug" got me again regarding the STI testing, but a full work up isn't a bad idea anyway. I can add it to my "dating resume." Bwahaha!

_GA HEART_35_F
Sweet
Fun Loving
Giving
Educated
Not bad looking (dogs like bones)
Employed
RESPONSIBLE
Loyal
Big Heart
Enjoys sex
GOOD MOM
Has horses, and horses are awesome
STD free! 

LOL!


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## lucy999

Holy Hannah you're only 35?

Girl you're but a pup. You'll do juuuuuust fine.


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## GA HEART

LOL! Thanks. Yes, I had kids too early. When I married my second ex (I guess I have three now, ugh!) I was 20. He had the two kids, and I had the one......I was a mom to three kids under the age of 5 at 20. (And then added the baby at 23!) It's a miracle we are all alive now. Haha!


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## Blossom Leigh

and I didn't have my first one until I was four years older than you are now


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## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> Thanks guys!
> 
> I"m feeling pretty good today. Thinking that perhaps the "paranoia bug" got me again regarding the STI testing, but a full work up isn't a bad idea anyway. I can add it to my "dating resume." Bwahaha!
> 
> _GA HEART_35_F
> Sweet
> Fun Loving
> Giving
> Educated
> Not bad looking (dogs like bones)
> Employed
> RESPONSIBLE
> Loyal
> Big Heart
> Enjoys sex
> GOOD MOM
> Has horses, and horses are awesome
> STD free!
> 
> LOL!


You've really got it going on! That looks like "the list" any intelligent guy would've written down describing who they're looking for...

You might want to add "lives in an awesome place" (as in Georgia) LOL...

Like another poster said - you'll do just fine!!!


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## GA HEART

LOL! I do love me some GA! I have lived other places (ex husband was military) but I knew I had to be back in the south. 

Doctors visit went well. She agreed that I am very likely paranoid. Haha! Said every looked just fine, but I should have results next week sometime. 

He did text me yesterday, just a hi. I did respond, but it was short and perhaps a tad terse. He answered back that he wouldn't bother me anymore. And that was it! Feeling ok about it. Heart is still sore.....but this too shall pass, yes?


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## turnera

GA HEART said:


> He answered back that he wouldn't bother me anymore.


Pathetic fishing, guilt trip. One of the things I hate more than anything is passive aggressiveness. My H is King of that. "I guess I should just run my car off a bridge, no one cares if I'm around...except for my money." Ugh. SO unattractive.


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## Openminded

Poor him -- won't bother you any more. But, yes, he will because right now you're his only hope. It takes time to line someone else up but he's no doubt looking. 

When I broke three months of no contact, it was to respond to a "hi" email. I learned my lesson. It's much easier to move on when you don't see their name pop up on your phone.


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## lifeistooshort

turnera said:


> Pathetic fishing, guilt trip. One of the things I hate more than anything is passive aggressiveness. My H is King of that. "I guess I should just run my car off a bridge, no one cares if I'm around...except for my money." Ugh. SO unattractive.


He must know my hb. Thinks I'm talking to the kids too loudly so he'll turn the volume way up on the tv, then when I look irritated he'll ask what's wrong with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

My DD24 finally decided to stop accepting it. Now, when my H pulls one of those things, she just looks at him and says "I don't deal with passive aggressiveness" and continues on with what she was doing. I'm learning, too!


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## GA HEART

He loved to state: "no ones loves me." And pout. I told him that I knew he was joking, but it got old and kinda hurt my feelings when he would say it. He never quit. Just more immaturity. Reminded me of my children when they didn't get their way. Except he is 41. Lol!


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## lifeistooshort

turnera said:


> My DD24 finally decided to stop accepting it. Now, when my H pulls one of those things, she just looks at him and says "I don't deal with passive aggressiveness" and continues on with what she was doing. I'm learning, too!


Usually I'll just roll my eyes. I know that's a condescending gesture but that's what you get if you don't have the stones to speak up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> He loved to state: "no ones loves me." And pout. I told him that I knew he was joking, but it got old and kinda hurt my feelings when he would say it. He never quit. Just more immaturity. *Reminded me of my children when they didn't get their way. Except he is 41*. Lol!


You can be childish when you're 80!!


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## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> LOL! *I do love me some GA!* I have lived other places (ex husband was military) but I knew I had to be back in the south.
> 
> Doctors visit went well. She agreed that I am very likely paranoid. Haha! Said every looked just fine, but I should have results next week sometime.
> 
> He did text me yesterday, just a hi. I did respond, but it was short and perhaps a tad terse. He answered back that he wouldn't bother me anymore. And that was it! Feeling ok about it. Heart is still sore.....but this too shall pass, yes?


What's not to like - except the temperature right now?

Great news that the Doc visit went well.

Old sayings (like "this too shall pass") got to be old sayings by being true.

At first, the tough days outnumber the good ones 10 to 1, then it goes down to 6 to 1, 3 to 1, et cetera.

THEN, something magical happens! Something comes along that is an absolute epiphany, and the ratio completely reverses It gets to be 3 good to one bad, and so on...


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## GA HEART

OMG, this weather! I live in the south for a reason!! Last year the ice was awful.....we lost power for 4 days. But for whatever reason, this year seems worse. All my poor critters' waterers were completely frozen. I had to lug hot water from the house to thaw everything out and they drank like they were dying. I felt awful! So far everyone is ok though. (Apparently chickens and rabbits can survive freezing temps for a few days anyway!) All the dogs and cats were inside last night, they looked at me like I was nuts when I told them it was time for one more outside potty break. Had to break ice off the horses water too. (Couldn't bring them inside, lol!) Hopefully we will snap out of this soon. I could NOT live up north. Haha!


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## GA HEART

He texted me AGAIN last night. Just to tell me that he had lost 9 pounds at the doctor's office, his blood pressure was under control, the hasn't drank in 10 days, and he had his sleep study that he had been putting off last night. Really?

I said that I was glad he is taking care of himself. (After all, I don't HATE the man.....I loved him with all my heart.....)

His reply? "I wanna take care of you."

I ignored it. Is it bad that it kinda made me throw up a lil? LOL!


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## turnera

No, it means you're finally distancing yourself. Now stop responding. He's trying to reel you back in. The sooner you stop the sooner he gives up.


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## GA HEART

My bestie of 12+ years (who obviously knows me very well) said that distance is a good thing because it gives us a change to open our eyes and SEE.

I see that my ex is a VERY selfish man. He wasn't a bad guy, really......just selfish. Not a trait I want to live with for the rest of my life. Sure, we all can be selfish......and sometimes it's a GOOD thing. But, like anything, moderation is key. Time and place and all that jazz.

Good days are starting to outweigh bad ones.


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## Openminded

Every time you respond you give him encouragement he can eventually wear you down. He will never stop (until he finds someone else to use and even then he may continue because you are obviously the better choice).


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## Blondilocks

LOL He lost 9 lbs at the doctor's office? What did the doctor do, give him an enema? Looks like he may need another one.


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## GA HEART

Bwahahaha! Well, he lost it _according_ to the doctors office rather.

Although he is full of enough of it for that to be accurate.


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## GA HEART

So, honest question.......

Is it too soon for me to be looking to the future?

Both my other relationships I've been the dumped one. It took me MONTHS and even YEARS to get over them. (Well, I take that back....my oldest son's father was physically abusive and I left him.....I was YOUNG and DUMB.)

I'm not saying that I'm reaching out to solicit dates or signing up for POF anytime in the near future. I am quite determined to not LOOK for a [email protected] thing. Anything that happens will have to find me. And since I've done the single and NOT mingling thing, I know what it's about and enjoy it. Plus, I have enough to concentrate on with the boys (who are doing GREAT so far, btw!)

But I am kinda excited about the possibilities for the future. A little older and a smidgin wiser. Haha. I kinda feel weird about it though. Like it's too soon and I should still be feeling hurt and wishing he would change and hoping we can work it out. (Maybe because that's my MO so far.) My heart still hurts, but I really don't think I even WANT him back. 

A wise woman once told me, "A Tiger doesn't change his stripes." Maybe I'm just finally starting to listen to others and not feel like I know it all.


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## Openminded

As I recall from previous threads, you said he was the best of the bunch you had been involved with so far? Focus on you for awhile and give yourself lots of time to fully get over him before jumping back into dating. Be very cautious. Because if you're not careful you could end up looking for -- and finding -- someone else just like him.


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## GA HEART

Sadly, yes he was. LOL! 

The worst part about it was that I thought I had done just that when I met him (although I was looking when we met.....online.) Which is why I said I don't intend on looking again. 

Where I live (rural GA) the women meet a man, "fall in love" and get married SO QUICKLY! There are at least 3 women I can think of off the top of my head that got divorces long after mine and are already married again. I can't imagine that at all. (One lady knew the guy exactly 3 weeks before they decided to get married.....another 3 weeks later!) It's just what they do around here. I think they are nuts, personally. LOL! 

I have had old guy friends crop up and start texting me again just in the 3 weeks I have been "single." I will chat for a bit, but I really have zero desire to interact much with them. (I have known a lot of them for years, most not local to me now.) They are good guys (well, most of them,) but nothing I would want a relationship with. I have tried to look at ALL of my interactions with people to see if I am just not attracted to the "right" kind of man. If I am one of THOSE women who only goes after "bad boys." But I don't think I am. 

I think it's more of the "helper" mentality that gets me. I haven't always been attracted to "broken" people. Back in high school (formative years) I was head over heels crazy for a guy (who barely knew I existed) that went on to get a law degree and has a military career.....along with a beautiful wife and two kids (we are facebook buddies, from a mutual HS team thing, NO I am not after him.....just using it as an example and how I know where he is in life now.) But the only type of guys that would give me attention back then were the "rejects" and "broken ones." (And I'm not trying to be ugly here, just an observation.) I think that, coupled with a father that wasn't absent but also barely knew I existed, has messed with my head. That "woe is me" has always sucked me in. My first and second were like that.

This most recent was like that, but under the guise of having "healed" it. He has a past. A pretty ugly one. But when we met (and in his defense, he divulged it to me pretty early) he seemed like he had risen above it. His actions backed up his words back then. I did almost call it quits when I found out about the past......but something told me to give him a try (he did pretty much beg for a chance....)

I had dated a bit before we met and had gotten pretty good at picking out the players and letting them move on. There really weren't "sparks" between us at first, but I took that as a GOOD sign. (Hindsight 20/20, of course.) I figured that instant sparks was a sign for me to run. Because I had instant sparks with the others that turned out to be disasterous. That whole first year was great.......my sparks towards him developed for sure. But his diminished.

I dunno. It's hard to trust myself anymore. I thought I finally could back then.


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## 3Xnocharm

GA HEART said:


> There really weren't "sparks" between us at first, but I took that as a GOOD sign. (Hindsight 20/20, of course*.) I figured that instant sparks was a sign for me to run. Because I had instant sparks with the others that turned out to be disasterous. *That whole first year was great.......my sparks towards him developed for sure. But his diminished.
> 
> I dunno. *It's hard to trust myself anymore. * I thought I finally could back then.


OMG, this is me EXACTLY! :iagree:


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## GA HEART

LOL! Even our avatars are similar.


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## turnera

GA HEART said:


> I think it's more of the "helper" mentality that gets me. I haven't always been attracted to "broken" people.


You can get therapy for that... 

Seriously, though, you need to do some heavy thinking about why you pick the guys you do, and what vibe YOU are putting off that attracts them. I have a dear friend on another forum who finally divorced her deadbeat husband a couple years ago and, in that time, she's now been engaged or almost engaged, to THREE different men, and EVERY ONE of them has turned out to be a deadbeat. Living with his mom, or not paying his child support, or wanting to move in with her, or just up and quitting his job because he doesn't 'like' it any more (after turning down a great promotion)...most of them had ALL these issues. She SAYS she understands us and won't rush into anything again and then the next thing we know, she's engaged again! And then has to break up with him again when he does the same crap!

SHE picked the same 'man' every time and the same 'man' sought her out every time.

She - you - need to figure out what it is you're doing to pick losers. What is it in YOU that looks for those traits?


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## Openminded

His sparks diminished because he felt he settled. You didn't. You really meant it. 

You aren't a user. He is.


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## GA HEART

Oh, I'm no stranger to counselors. LOL! I think I will bring this up at my next session. Almost every single one has said I KNOW what is right, my problem is believing it.


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## karole

I think you'd be wise to let all men go for awhile - focus on you and your kids. Learn to be happy with yourself, go to therapy and then once you are healthy, slowly begin dating.


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## Openminded

Believe it. 

You're a walking target for users. And you need to change that or you'll be back here again.


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## turnera

Ask them to help you come up with a checklist. That's how my DD24 got her amazing boyfriend, after 8 years of dating, and rejecting, losers. She literally has/had a mental checklist and if the guy didn't check off a majority of the items she wouldn't go out with him again. It's saved her a lot of heartache.


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## GA HEART

Honestly, I KNOW I "overlook" stuff. Red flags will be there and the optimist in me thinks they aren't something I can't handle. Or that they really aren't that big of a deal. Heck, some of my past posts were red flags and folks (some of you guys here) were trying to tell me then.....and I explained it all away.

My aunt says I am just a young soul. Probably my second life. She said the 4th is better. (I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or not, but JEEEZ, can't my silly soul grow up in this life pretty please?  )


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## GA HEART

karole said:


> I think you'd be wise to let all men go for awhile - focus on you and your kids. Learn to be happy with yourself, go to therapy and then once you are healthy, slowly begin dating.


I swear that's what I did before. I was so confident in myself and my healing back then. And now this.

How will I ever KNOW when I am "healthy?"


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## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> There really weren't "sparks" between us at first, but I took that as a GOOD sign. (Hindsight 20/20, of course.) I figured that instant sparks was a sign for me to run. Because I had instant sparks with the others that turned out to be disasterous.


Get out of my head. I can relate.


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## GA HEART

So, in chatting with my bestie tonight (Gawd, I love that woman,) she told me that she doesn't think there is anything necessarily "wrong" with me. (And you would have to know her, she is NOT the "pat on the head and feel sorry for you" type....she tells it like it is. Always has.) But she said that me being accepting and willing to give people chances is just who I am. My problem with that is just what you guys have indicated.....I set myself up for being taken advantage of. Now, she DID notice that I don't allow my friends to do this to me, just potential "mates." Which is true, I will give someone the shirt off my back, but not if it means I'm going to freeze to death. So we discussed what exactly makes the difference between "friends" and "lovers."

Didn't come up with anything solid. LOL!


----------



## turnera

Oh that's easy. You seek something 'special' from your potential partner. Something completely different from what you want from your friends. From your partner, you want romance, lust, acceptance, desire, 'choosing you,' and that 'one life-time choice.' That's a lot headier than what you want from/give to your friends. 

And that raises a ton of FEAR. We all have self doubts. So when we find 'that one,' we shake in our boots about them rejecting us. TOTALLY different from what we want/expect from our friends.


----------



## GA HEART

Oh definitely! I think it has something to do with the vulnerability of it all. I don't allow myself to become 110% vulnerable with friends, or even family. (Bestie is the exception.) But even then its not a physical vulnerability. 

So why do I allow myself to become vulnerable to those who take advantage vs. Ones who might actually be an equal partner? 

Of course, I could claim bait and switch. But I can't really claim that because there were red flags. But they were so minor. And only happened once. He guaged my reactions and made sure not to let a certain scenario happen again until he felt like he "had" me. 

That sounds totally conspiracy theory. Lol! But he was a master maniplulator.


----------



## turnera

As an example, DD agreed to go out with this one guy back in high school. She got all dressed up, he showed up an hour late. Said he'd fallen asleep. She went out a second time, he again didn't show up. Said he fell asleep again. The next time he asked her out, she said no. No giving him another chance to put her last.


----------



## GA HEART

Yes. Agreed. I catch onto that stuff too. But this started out sooooooooooo well. I definitely was being pursued hot and heavy. He seemed so determined to win me over. And he did everything right. The red flags were that he got weirdly jealous one night on a date. I had turned to look at someone and he asked if that was a guy that I had dated before him. (It wasn't, he was a total stranger.) He got upset and stormed out of the restaurant. I didn't talk to him for a couple of days. He finally apologized profusely and swore he wouldnt do any th ing like that again. And after that, NOTHING like that happened again. Its like his jealousy dissappeared. So I didn't worry about it again. Even when we split, there was nothing like that there. 

Another red flag my bestie picked up on. My mom had come to visit me and he wanted to meet her. He TOTALLY wooed her until she melted. Just completely won her over. He can be VERY charming. But my bestie didn't like the fact that he did that to my mom. She said it showed his manipulative side.

I can't think of anything else that happened during that entire first year. Other than he was kinda pushy.


----------



## turnera

In our house, we call that the Eddie Haskell. They do the Eddie Haskell. Which makes us immediately not trust them. I taught it to DD24 and she uses it to assess people - and dump people (or at least keep an eye on them) if they show that trait.

And so you know, one of the key traits of abusers, cheaters, manipulators, and controllers is an INCREDIBLE ability to schmooze. It's a game for them; they love it, it's fun to see how easily they can woo a woman over. 

And remember that, while girls are growing up talking about weddings and boys and romance with each other, the boys are growing up talking about how to get a girl's pants off and which 'tactic' is best for getting a girl to go out with you. They've been practicing this stuff since puberty.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

I try to view that kind of intense charm as violating a boundary like a Judas kiss. It will take you time to see the difference between a Judas kiss and an authentic one, but by the time you do you will spot it quicker.


----------



## GA HEART

I had to look up Eddie Haskell (don't judge, lol!) I found a VERY good article about it pertaining to teenagers.....except it applied very well to my exBF at 41.

Eddie Haskell Syndrome | Caring for your teen's inner child - Baltimore Sun

It's like he never grew out of this. The night and day stuff shocked even me at first. But it's apparent that over time he just got comfortable enough with me to let the "baby self" show. 

So, I screwed up again. But this time I have BLOCKED his number. After last night.....OMG.

It started out innocently enough....he texted HI and I ignored it for a few hours. But then I remembered that his mom had borrowed our Season 3 of GoT and my recently re-acquired son hadn't seen them yet. So I said hi back and asked if they were done with the movies. And if so could he bring them back. Apparently, that was the "wrong" thing to say. He started in with the "you don't give a **** anyway" stuff.

I wasn't ugly. I did (stupidly) try to defend my position on why I instigated the break up and he wasn't having any of it. Said he couldn't wait until I "came around and was reasonable." Like I was the only one with a problem. (Really?)

Then he LOST IT on me. I would attach a screen shot, but don't want to get banned. It was that bad.

"you are a liar and quitter"
"I hate you"
"f you"
"go F your [racial slur]" (this one came from left field!) At that point all I could say was wow. He kept going.
"go away so I dont have to look at you again"
"I hate you"
"You better pay me so I can erase your name forever"
"Im tired of seeing your name pop up on my phone" (He always texts me first. Always.)
"It makes me want to puke"

So he's blocked. Why did it have to get ugly?


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> I had to look up Eddie Haskell (don't judge, lol!)
> 
> Why did it have to get ugly?


Oh I'm not judging. I'm envious! 

It got ugly because you've taken away his kibble. Is he still living with his parents? 

This is not a comfortable arrangement for him. He's throwing anything and everything at the wall to see what sticks. Nothing is. So he's reverting back to his old, nasty self. TRUST THAT HE SUCKS.

Good for you for finally blocking his number.

ETA: You know what? It's always been ugly. His default switch is set on ugly. This is who he is.


----------



## turnera

He just wasn't ugly before because he was getting what he wanted. That's why I always say never marry someone until you've seen them face a really bad time. Because that's when they can't control their 'face.'


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## GA HEART

Yes....he is just an ugly person. Thank God I didn't marry him. 

I have a counseling session tonight. I'm going to bring up why I attract people like this and why I dont allow myself to recognize them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

turnera said:


> He just wasn't ugly before because he was getting what he wanted. That's why I always say never marry someone until you've seen them face a really bad time. Because that's when they can't control their 'face.'


Yep, baby didn't get what he wanted so he threw a tantrum. He's shown you who he really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr

GA HEART said:


> Yes....he is just an ugly person. Thank God I didn't marry him.
> 
> I have a counseling session tonight. I'm going to bring up why I attract people like this and why I dont allow myself to recognize them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I remember one of your other threads. Seems like he threw dishes out of the window and I was thinking this guys is a spoiled brat. How we respond to arguments is the quickest way to see true nature I think. Living with him mom is were he belongs since it doesn't look like he's an adult.

By the way, attracting guys like this is normal. Learning to believe warning signs when you see them early on is the trick to not getting into a mess like this again.


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## Blossom Leigh

Yes!! Enabled brat!!


I thought the same Thundarr...


----------



## GA HEART

I didn't mean to enable him. I truly didn't. 

Apparently the blocking only applied to calls, I got two texts from him a while ago. First one was asking if my boys could run into town to meet him so he could bring back these discs. (Um, NO.) I ignored it. Second was to let me know he dropped them off in my mailbox. I ignored it too. None of us noticed him driving by. Thank goodness.

Now to figure out how to block texts too....


----------



## GA HEART

And yes, he tossed dinner out the back door one night. A full pan of freshly grilled chicken. I can't even remember what we were arguing about that night. But apparently I didn't do something to please his highness. Grr.

I swear, as much as I tell myself I'm not really a hard person to live with, it does kind of make me wonder if the problem is me. I mean really. My bestie says no. All my friends say no. But it's hard to NOT think that maybe it's me......

Then again, maybe it's just my crap for picking skillz. I has none. 

It's hard to not get discouraged in oneself.


----------



## turnera

It's a pretty common theme in psychology books that women look past bad behavior, put up with it, while men push the envelope - if you put up with it, it's your fault.

It's harder to teach women to STOP putting up with it. That's why I suggest the list. In a perfect world, what would you NOT put up with? Then when one of those things happen, leave.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

GA HEART said:


> I didn't mean to enable him. I truly didn't.
> 
> Apparently the blocking only applied to calls, I got two texts from him a while ago. First one was asking if my boys could run into town to meet him so he could bring back these discs. (Um, NO.) I ignored it. Second was to let me know he dropped them off in my mailbox. I ignored it too. None of us noticed him driving by. Thank goodness.
> 
> Now to figure out how to block texts too....


he was Enabled WAYYYYYY before he ever met you, Sweetie.


----------



## Blondilocks

Please tell me that the was the last time you ever cooked for that POS.


----------



## turnera

Blondilocks said:


> Please tell me that the was the last time you ever cooked for that POS.


My H likes to criticize. No one knows as much as him or does things as well as him. He knows the right way to do everything. In fact, I was just thinking this morning of telling him that if he criticizes me one more time, I'm moving out.

So I used to mow the lawn while he did weedeating. But it was never good enough. He used to literally come behind me and mow a SECOND time, just to get the lines straight or catch stray glass blades I missed.

One day I just decided I'd had enough of that. I finished mowing and went inside, heard it start up again. I went outside and just stood there watching, arms crossed, until he saw me and came over. "What?" he said, though you could tell he was embarrassed at getting caught. I just looked at him for a while and said "You just gave yourself a new chore" and went inside. Last time I mowed.


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## GA HEART

Well, he actually cooked that night. He enjoyed cooking, that was what he did around the house. And while I thanked him EVERY time he did it, and offered to do it all the time, helped more often than not, always spent the time with him while he did, and had the kids thank him if they forgot.....he said he felt unappreciated. I did the majority of the cleaning, including washing, folding, and putting away his clothes and deep cleaning the bathrooms, kitchen and dishes, and living room. He never thanked me for that other than a quick "thanks" or just telling me what else needed to get done.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Just caught up on your thread, GA.

No surprise he's still hanging in there,, fishing. 

ANY reason at all to contact you - even after the "won't bother you again" text. Jeeez, man,,, at least escape with your pride! lol.

Can't fault you for being too nice, GA. One likely wouldn't suspect it from my posts but I'm prone to the same thing with those close to me.

Hence, it's easy to advise you - if you wanted to speed things up - to reply to his subsequent expeditions with, "I thought you weren't going to bother me any more. You're becoming whiney and pathetic now. Just fvck off!", I'd probably struggle to do it. More importantly,, that'd only start him on a faux-apology crusade anyway, probably.

Dating? Not yet. You still aren't free of this one. For sure, he's not done with you. If you got seen having dinner with another guy and it got back to Bozo, I think there might be fireworks. He's still strategising,, and 'nice/indifference' isn't doing more for him than keeping you on his radar. Potentially, he still has anger to resort to. Hopefully, the slow fade will continue. You're nearly there. Jury still out about him.

It's like when you bring a kitten into a house where there's already a cat. The kitty will go through its full repertoire of shapes to try to keep the larger cat from chewing on it. Big cat knows to give it no quarter and to put it in its place before it gets ideas above its status.

Same thing for you, GA. Whatever his tactics, stay on track.

Yer doin' good.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

His argument with how silly I am being about "throwing away a good thing" was because he contributed. I never complained about his lack of contribution. I was very grateful and tried to show my appreciation all the time.


----------



## lifeistooshort

GA HEART said:


> His argument with how silly I am being about "throwing away a good thing" was because he contributed. I never complained about his lack of contribution. I was very grateful and tried to show my appreciation all the time.


It was a good thing for him, not for you.


----------



## Openminded

It's been obvious since before he left that he fully expects you to come around eventually. He keeps searching for the right manipulative tactic to do it. You saw a glimpse of the real him last night. Remember it when you are tempted again to be nice to him. 

He sees you as a weak person who is easy to manipulate. Don't prove him right.


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## GA HEART

Not a chance. I'm pretty well over it. (As in over ANY hope for the future of "us.") He made sure of that with more of his childish tantrums and name calling.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

I somehow missed page 18,, and his latest hissy.

That about removed any lingering doubt then. How thoughtful of him.

Stay vigilant, GA. If he's "waiting for you to be reasonable",, in his head he knows what you want better than you do. If you can't choose 'right', he'll choose for you.

The more desperate he gets the more he'll flail around,, flipping between nice and nasty.

Upscaling. Stalking and late random visits are HUGE flags. Any of that shìt,, take IMMEDIATE legal recourse.

Hopefully, it won't come to that but those things follow the hissy fits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

Gawd, I hope not! I doubt it, though. With the issues surrounding his past, ANYthing involving the police he avoids. And although I WOULD call in a heartbeat if I had to.....he was always so paranoid that I would call on him when we were together. I'm sure he would be MORE paranoid now.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

I hope so.

Past behaviour is a good indicator, but not an absolute.

His previous fear was from within the relationship.

Now he has his egotistical rejection blinkers on. Break-up time is statistically the most dangerous time.

Just be aware of it, GA.

Hopefully, he'll get the more-than-a-hint and leave you alone. The seemingly innocuous statement about your unreasonableness is telling, though. It's not a threat or a plead - it's how he feels. He'll only accept you being reasonable,, and you'll only be reasonable (to him) when you take him back. Rejection psychosis.

Worth flagging.

Like I said way back - tooth and nail.

Crossing my fingers for ya.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> LOL! Even our avatars are similar.


Long lost twins??


----------



## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Yes....he is just an ugly person. Thank God I didn't marry him.
> 
> I have a counseling session tonight. I'm going to bring up why I attract people like this and why I dont allow myself to recognize them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you read about codependency? This is a hallmark sign of codependency.
There are two books that I recommend:
Facing Codependency, by Pia Mellody
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie

If this is the issues causing you to do that, you will be able identify it and understand it by reading these books.


----------



## GA HEART

Twins? Perhaps! 3x, are you 5 feet tall and have a soft spot for barnyard critters? 

Cynthia, I have wondered about that, but all the counselors I have seen in the past have stated that they do not think that I am. I just have issues with boundaries with those closest to me. I start out well enough, but relax over time. And if I find myself in a situation with a user.....well, obviously its a bad combo. Funny enough, it's only in romantic relationships that this has been an issue. If I find that a friend or aquaintance is pushing too hard, I handle it just fine.....either by cutting them out or limiting them until they get the picture. I"m even pretty good with boundaries with my children. And honestly, I DO feel like getting out of this relationship was a pretty big step too. I'm proud of me, for what it's worth.

Now, to not let it happen again! LOL!

My counselor last night said that she feels like I am definitely making progress with the "self love" that I had somehow lost along the way. We talked about how I DID feel like I was in a really good place when I met the BF. She said I was, but that I just wasn't secure enough in it. 

Working on bringing that place forward to me again. And working on ignoring and quitting negative self talk.


----------



## GA HEART

So this totally happened at my house last night. Never a dull moment. LOL! (The cat was terrified of the chicken and wouldn't get too close. The dog, however, couldn't be bothered. LOL!) Just felt the need to share. Haha!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

GA HEART said:


> Twins? Perhaps! 3x, are you 5 feet tall and have a soft spot for barnyard critters?


Haha, soft spot for ALL critters, but I'm about 5'4", lol!


----------



## GA HEART

Well, perhaps we ARE long lost twins! You're just the tall one! Lol!


----------



## Thundarr

That chicken will NOT get cold.


----------



## ILoveSparkles

HAHA! I wonder what it's like to have chickens roaming around your house? Too funny!


----------



## GA HEART

No, he stays plenty warm enough! LOL! And it's not a TOO common occurance in my house, as chickens are definitely NOT potty trainable. But he's been in quarantine since I just got him over the weekend, and I wanted to let him stretch his legs some. He pretty much just stood there, probably wondering what on Earth he has gotten himself into. He will be much happier when I give him a girlfriend or two. 

I'm a breeder of "exotic" chickens. Yes, that's a thing. LOL!


----------



## GA HEART

And we can just eat the excess. Bwahahahahaha!


----------



## 4x4

GA HEART said:


> The cat was terrified of the chicken and wouldn't get too close.


I think the cat has an agenda and is just biding it's time.


----------



## lucy999

Oh that picture is FABULOUS. I don't even know you and I adore you.

This picture made my day less craptastic. I love it. Thanks!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

GA HEART said:


> Well, perhaps we ARE long lost twins! You're just the tall one! Lol!


Haha, THAT would be a first!


----------



## GA HEART

4x4 said:


> I think the cat has an agenda and is just biding it's time.


This is probably true. I think she is an alien anyway. LOL!

And 3X, you probably tower over me. But being "fun sized" has its advantages. Haha! :smthumbup:

Lucy, I'm glad I could help a little!  Craptastic days are no bueno. (((HUGS))) to you! Your pup is adorable, by the way!


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> Lucy, I'm glad I could help a little!  Craptastic days are no bueno. (((HUGS))) to you! Your pup is adorable, by the way!


Aw thanks. He's in puppy heaven. We had to put him down over the holidays but we've rescued a new dog named Ruby. I have to change my avatar.

We were w/out a dog for 3 weeks. Three loooooong tortuous weeks. We couldn't handle not having a dog for any longer than that.


----------



## GA HEART

Awww! I'm sorry you lost your boy!  Been there. More than once (or twice, or three times.) It's the trade off for having such amazing love in our lives!


----------



## RoseAglow

GA Heart,

I am giving a* Well Done*! Without even meeting you face to face, I can see that you ARE in fact doing some kick a$$ self care. Even though you care for your ex, *you have enough respect for yourself and put enough value on your own well-being that you made a difficult decision, you took action, and you're sticking with it.* That is the most important self-care there is and MANY people never get to that level- congrats, sincerely!

I encourage you to think back on your experience and conceptualize a "Lessons Learned" rather than "What I did wrong" list. It sounds like it's just semantics but nearly everyone does better when they think "Here are things I'd like to do differently/better next time". It's more supportive internal voice.

I haven't read all your threads and probably missed some posts on this one, but overall it looks to me like you got in initially with someone who was very promising.

You had a great first year. When things were good, they were really good. I am not sure happened with your son but it sounds like you stood up for him and you were able to negotiate with you ex. It sounds like your ex's behavior improved. So that would have been a plus on his side of the equation relationship.

The truth is, you won't really be able to know a person until you've seen them in a variety of circumstances. You moved in and got to see him in many more situations, and you were able to find out how he handles things. Like most people, your ex probably handled some thing well and others not so well. Once you got enough information, you got out.

I am not surprised that your therapist and friends say that they don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. I don't see anything wrong, either. You did exactly what modern dating allows you to do: test it out.

Part of a "lessons learned" review is looking at what can improved next time. From your thread it looks like the main ones are 
1: No shared real estate until/unless married
2. Identify fatal issues sooner so you can leave earlier
3. Learn more about co-dependence; this is another way of saying, learn more about personal boundaries and the degree to which we can affect vs control others. 

Once you nail down 3, 2 will be much, much easier to do. 

The best advice I got when I was dating was "Don't get serious with anyone who doesn't care about your pain." Another way of saying it is: *"Only get serious with a guy who sets your needs/wants/preferences at the same priority level as his."*

You'll be amazed at how fast you can find this out. Most guys will show you where they stand on this within the 1st three dates. Almost everyone else will show you before the 1st year is out and IME usually around Month 6. You just have to know to look for it and not feel badly about doing so.

Hang in there, stay positive and treat yourself well. You're doing great!


----------



## GA HEART

Thank you so much, RA! <3 That was very uplifting to get from a total stranger. LOL! 

Yes, staying firm in my boundaries and recognizing things earlier is definitely what I want to focus on. My current counselor said it's all about not ignoring my inner voice (red flags) and keeping the self love UP. I am determined to bring back forward a hightened sense there. It really is a great place to be. Keeps us in a happier mind frame in general. And limits the "pity parties" that I have been GRAND at throwing myself in the past. Haha!

Thank you!


----------



## Blossom Leigh

I used to have an inside banty rooster!!! omg I loved that bird!

That pic made me smile from ear to ear!

At one time I had four horses, two dogs, two cats and a banty rooster and all were inside except the horses


----------



## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> Thank you so much, RA! <3 That was very uplifting to get from a total stranger. LOL!
> 
> Yes, staying firm in my boundaries and recognizing things earlier is definitely what I want to focus on. My current counselor said it's all about not ignoring my inner voice (red flags) and keeping the self love UP. I am determined to bring back forward a hightened sense there. It really is a great place to be. Keeps us in a happier mind frame in general. And limits the "pity parties" that I have been GRAND at throwing myself in the past. Haha!
> 
> Thank you!


I think I have had issues with pity parties and with self-criticism.

I also tink a small (very small) amount of both are necessary - to actually shake us and tell us to knock it off! If we never experience those things, we never realize how counter-productive they are in ourselves.

Keep it up!!!


----------



## GA HEART

I agree, LH! It's all about being grateful for what we have, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves for what we DON'T. I like to remind myself that a lot of my sads are "first world problems." LOL! 

I have definitely been much worse off in my life. In fact, I can honestly say I'm at a very high point right now. I have my loves (boys, critters, awesome friends) and I have a home. And I've managed to make it all work, despite all the challenges I've had to face in the past 4 years. All the loss, all the moves (4.) Stressing out over not having a job when my exH and I first split, wondering how on EARTH I was going to feed my children.....I've made it work. With God's help and guidance....I've gone from being basically homeless and penniless to all I have now. I'm a pretty happy, BLESSED girl.


----------



## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> I agree, LH! It's all about being grateful for what we have, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves for what we DON'T. I like to remind myself that a lot of my sads are "first world problems." LOL!
> 
> I have definitely been much worse off in my life. In fact, I can honestly say I'm at a very high point right now. I have my loves (boys, critters, awesome friends) and I have a home. And I've managed to make it all work, despite all the challenges I've had to face in the past 4 years. All the loss, all the moves (4.) Stressing out over not having a job when my exH and I first split, wondering how on EARTH I was going to feed my children.....I've made it work. With God's help and guidance....I've gone from being basically homeless and penniless to all I have now. I'm a pretty happy, BLESSED girl.



:iagree:

YES!


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> I agree, LH! It's all about being grateful for what we have, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves for what we DON'T. I like to remind myself that a lot of my sads are "first world problems." LOL!
> 
> I have definitely been much worse off in my life. In fact, I can honestly say I'm at a very high point right now. I have my loves (boys, critters, awesome friends) and I have a home. And I've managed to make it all work, despite all the challenges I've had to face in the past 4 years. All the loss, all the moves (4.) Stressing out over not having a job when my exH and I first split, wondering how on EARTH I was going to feed my children.....I've made it work. With God's help and guidance....I've gone from being basically homeless and penniless to all I have now. I'm a pretty happy, BLESSED girl.


A friend recently told me she has adopted an 'attitude of gratitude.' I love that phrase and this is very fitting here.


----------



## GA HEART

Until my next pity party! LOL!


----------



## Blossom Leigh

GA HEART said:


> I agree, LH! It's all about being grateful for what we have, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves for what we DON'T. I like to remind myself that a lot of my sads are "first world problems." LOL!
> 
> I have definitely been much worse off in my life. In fact, I can honestly say I'm at a very high point right now. I have my loves (boys, critters, awesome friends) and I have a home. And I've managed to make it all work, despite all the challenges I've had to face in the past 4 years. All the loss, all the moves (4.) Stressing out over not having a job when my exH and I first split, wondering how on EARTH I was going to feed my children.....I've made it work. With God's help and guidance....I've gone from being basically homeless and penniless to all I have now. I'm a pretty happy, BLESSED girl.


Great attitude...

Survivor:smthumbup:


----------



## GA HEART

Thanks! I give it hell trying anyway! LOL!

Night time is the worst. When the boys are in bed, and I am in the room all by myself. That's usually when the lonelies creep in. I had a queen sized bed when I moved in, but he had such bad sleep apnea and was such a big guy that he tossed and turned all night, slapping me in the face and such in his sleep......so we went out and (I) bought a massive king sized bed with an expensive (COMFORTABLE) mattress. I LOVE the mattress, it's soooooooo squishy and awesome. I had planned on paying it off when I got my taxes back, but since I owe him money I can't yet. So I will have a monthly payment until I get it paid off. I can afford it, but it's kinda a sore point. I wouldn't even have the thing if it weren't for him. And now my teeny little self just usually curls up into a ball square in the middle and I swim in a king sized bed every night. Its lonely.

Kinda silly the things that get to you sometimes. LOL!

Lucy, your new Pup is adorable too! 

Happy Tuesday, internet friends! ((((HUGS)))) all around!


----------



## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> Night time is the worst. Lucy, your new Pup is adorable too!
> 
> Happy Tuesday, internet friends! ((((HUGS)))) all around!


I agree, night time and early morning were horrible for me. I'm not going to lie. But you've grown by leaps and bounds by mere weeks. The pain and loneliness will fade. You've seen a difference already.

Thanks, Ruby is the love of our life. She brings us such joy. 

Happy Tuesday to you, too. I hope you have a GREAT DAY!


----------



## GA HEART

My doctor just called me with the results of all my testing, and ALL is well! 

I was feeling the lonelies a tad again last night, but all I had to do was pull up the nasty text messages and reconfirm my decision. I don't care how mad a person gets, you don't spew off stuff like that to someone you supposedly love. I never have, anyway. Surely I'm not alone on the planet?


----------



## lucy999

Congrats on the clean bill of health! Whew. 

That was brilliant to go back and read his nasty texts when you were feeling lonely. I used to do that with emails my former BF sent to me when I finally got enough balls to kick him to the curb. Talk about gross, nasty, and just plain immature. Those emails looked like they were from a 10-year old. I was left thinking, how in the hell did I stay with this man for 12 tortuous years? It's amazing the clarity you get when you separate yourself from the toxic situation.

Ya done GREAT! Keep on truckin mama.


----------



## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> My doctor just called me with the results of all my testing, and ALL is well!
> 
> I was feeling the lonelies a tad again last night, but all I had to do was pull up the nasty text messages and reconfirm my decision. I don't care how mad a person gets, you don't spew off stuff like that to someone you supposedly love. I never have, anyway. Surely I'm not alone on the planet?


That must be a relief. Glad to hear it.

It is good that you reconfirmed your decision by going back over his texts. There is no reason to treat someone the way he treated you. It shows an inability for a person to control his emotions, but rather someone who is controlled by his emotions. I don't think someone like that can have a healthy relationship.


----------



## GA HEART

I've honestly had a rough couple of days emotionally. (Trying to fake it being otherwise. Haha!) In a lot of ways, they HAVE been good days. I know I"m at a good place in life, many blessings upon my head and home. 

But the stupid emotions catch up with me when the lonlelies hit. I swear I wish there was a switch to just cut them off. I"m missing the exBF. I'm missing the good times. I"m finding reasons to tell myself he was right and I was wrong. 

WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF???? 

I KNOW it's just the emotions talking. My hormones have been messing with me this month (TMI, sorry.) Two cycles in the shortest month of the year, REALLY BODY? So perhaps that is part of it.



It's Friday, and I am glad for that. Have some rearranging to do with some stuff this weekend. Wish the weather would cooperate for a change. Lack of sunshine is probably not helping as well.

I AM BLESSED! I know I am. PITY PARTY, GO INTO THE PIGS! LOL!


----------



## Openminded

The sun's out today (at least in the suburbs)!

Remind yourself, when you think of those good times, that while you thought things were great -- he didn't really think that. Tell yourself you deserve someone who didn't just settle for you. Someone who is actually capable of love.


----------



## GA HEART

It took a while, but the sun is making it's appearance here too! That's a good thing. It's still chilly, but I will take the warmth of the actual GLOW. I"ve missed you, sun! (I would die in Washington State, not even gonna lie. LOL!)

I do remember his "settling." The battle I have is the logic vs. emotion battle. I KNOW these things. My brain b*tch slaps my silly heart ALL the time, I assure you. Haha! 

I just want the stubborn @ss heifer to SHUT UP. Just go away. JUST STOP IT. Sometimes it gets tired and shuts up. But then it starts up again, whiney little thing.

I know I need to be patient with myself. But my track record of hurting myself over stuff like this is pretty bad. I hang onto pain like nobody's business. I feel like I HAVE been better this time, and am trying to pat myself on the back for the little victories. 

Just.....blah.

Thanks for listening to (reading) me whine. 

/pity party (I wish it were that simple, haha!)


----------



## lucy999

Sending you huge cyber hugs this morning, sweetpea.

I'd send you some sun, but it's a whopping 11 degrees here.

What you're thinking and feeling and missing is perfectly normal. I know it hurts. And it will continue to hurt-just less and less as time passes.

It's hard not to do, goodness knows I've done it, but don't romanticize your relationship. It was a bad relationship and sure, there were good times, but obviously the bad times outweighed the good times because you would not have stood strong and given him the boot like you did. Pull out those nasty texts again.

Chin up buttercup you're doing just fine!!!!


----------



## Blossom Leigh

So sorry you are struggling... one thing that helps me sometimes is keeping super busy 

Come on over to the Alabama Horse Fair this weekend in Montgomery!!


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## SamuraiJack

GA HEART said:


> It took a while, but the sun is making it's appearance here too! That's a good thing. It's still chilly, but I will take the warmth of the actual GLOW. I"ve missed you, sun! (I would die in Washington State, not even gonna lie. LOL!)
> 
> I do remember his "settling." The battle I have is the logic vs. emotion battle. I KNOW these things. My brain b*tch slaps my silly heart ALL the time, I assure you. Haha!
> 
> I just want the stubborn @ss heifer to SHUT UP. Just go away. JUST STOP IT. Sometimes it gets tired and shuts up. But then it starts up again, whiney little thing.
> 
> I know I need to be patient with myself. But my track record of hurting myself over stuff like this is pretty bad. I hang onto pain like nobody's business. I feel like I HAVE been better this time, and am trying to pat myself on the back for the little victories.
> 
> Just.....blah.
> 
> Thanks for listening to (reading) me whine.
> 
> /pity party (I wish it were that simple, haha!)


GA...I bet you have a tendancy to see the best in people, dont you?


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## GA HEART

SamuraiJack said:


> GA...I bet you have a tendancy to see the best in people, dont you?


110%, absolutely, without a doubt, YES.

Always have. Probably always will. I am a HUGE people person. I love people. I try to live as an optimist. 

It can be a great thing.

Or it can svck monkey balls. LOL!


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## GA HEART

Blossom Leigh said:


> So sorry you are struggling... one thing that helps me sometimes is keeping super busy
> 
> Come on over to the Alabama Horse Fair this weekend in Montgomery!!


OH OH! I wanna!!! Me and my Mustang competed in the trail competition there years ago....2007 or 2008. We did marvelously awful, he was totally off his game that day. Not a bit spooky, just being a stubborn old mule. I love him anyway. LOL!


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## GA HEART

Thank you for the hugs too Lucy! HUGS back!!


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## SamuraiJack

GA HEART said:


> 110%, absolutely, without a doubt, YES.
> 
> Always have. Probably always will. I am a HUGE people person. I love people. I try to live as an optimist.
> 
> It can be a great thing.
> 
> Or it can svck monkey balls. LOL!


Yep took me a while to tone that down. Life gets better after you do.


----------



## Openminded

GA HEART said:


> 110%, absolutely, without a doubt, YES.
> 
> Always have. Probably always will. I am a HUGE people person. I love people. I try to live as an optimist.
> 
> It can be a great thing.
> 
> Or it can svck monkey balls. LOL!


It's holding you back in this case. 

When that happens, tell your heart you just can't trust it (I really did repeat that to myself many times every day -- out loud -- during the year it took to get over someone).


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## GA HEART

I am doing my best to transition from optimist to realist. It's slow going, but I am determined. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt throughout my life has put me in some pretty hairy situations (not just romatic relationships either.) But I do think I am doing better. SLow and steady wins the race, yes? LOL!


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## Openminded

I am the ultimate realist (and tend to be cynical). I very, very rarely am surprised by the bad behavior of others. I am often surprised by their good behavior and I enjoy when that happens. 

You've made a lot of progress. I frankly thought you would never get rid of him (and felt you should from your earlier threads). So, yes, you're doing good.


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## GA HEART

LOL, the cynic in you. 

Honestly, I surprised even myself. Haha!


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## lifeistooshort

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've made good decisions, so you're allowed to have moods and to mourn the loss of what you thought you'd have. Perfectly normal and in some ways good for growth as long as you continue to make well thought out decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh

I don't know which day we might be there, right now we are shooting for tomorrow, but one of my horses had a leg injury this week and I am at a self serve barn, so our plans are at risk.

Check out the website and see who all will be there


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## Thundarr

GA HEART said:


> 110%, absolutely, without a doubt, YES.
> 
> Always have. Probably always will. I am a HUGE people person. I love people. I try to live as an optimist.
> 
> It can be a great thing.
> 
> Or it can svck monkey balls. LOL!


Stupid monkey balls can just ruin your whole day.


----------



## 4x4

GA HEART said:


> This is probably true. I think she is an alien anyway. LOL!


I think NASA may be confirming your suspicion. :rofl:

'Bright Spot' on Ceres Has Dimmer Companion | NASA


----------



## Openminded

GA HEART said:


> LOL, the cynic in you.
> 
> Honestly, I surprised even myself. Haha!


 I have lots of hope for you!!


----------



## GA HEART

I do too! (At least I fake it well enough! LOL!)

My poor son had a break down tonight.  Being 17, introverted, straight edge, is great!! But lacking confidence and self worth sucks monkey balls too. He is SUCH an amazing kiddo.....handsome, SMART, makes GREAT choices in life.......far exceeds where I was at his age (I got pregnant with him at his age!) It breaks my heart to see him hurting. I guess that's every parent with every child. We had a good hour talk and he feels better. I just wish I could fix everything for him. Sigh.....


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## GA HEART

And I REALLY wish he had a male figure in his life at times like this.


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> I do too! (At least I fake it well enough! LOL!)
> 
> My poor son had a break down tonight.  Being 17, introverted, straight edge, is great!! But lacking confidence and self worth sucks monkey balls too. He is SUCH an amazing kiddo.....handsome, SMART, makes GREAT choices in life.......far exceeds where I was at his age (I got pregnant with him at his age!) It breaks my heart to see him hurting. I guess that's every parent with every child. We had a good hour talk and he feels better. I just wish I could fix everything for him. Sigh.....


He has a caring mother who listens to him and knows him. This is significant and important. It is a good sign that he is open and talking with you. That makes all the difference.


----------



## GA HEART

He is a wonderful child. They all are.....each as different as the day is long. But they are all pretty open with me. I think I balance the parent/friend relationship well. Definitely a PARENT first, but glad that they all tell me what's going on in their lives. Sometimes it's stuff I DON'T want to hear! Haha!


----------



## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> He is a wonderful child. They all are.....each as different as the day is long. But they are all pretty open with me. I think I balance the parent/friend relationship well. Definitely a PARENT first, but glad that they all tell me what's going on in their lives. Sometimes it's stuff I DON'T want to hear! Haha!


I can relate. Some things I really do not want to hear, but I think it's just that I don't want it to be happening. But young people go through hard times and have problems just like we do. It helps if they have a solid parent to work through it with them. They will grow up much healthier that way.


----------



## turnera

Big Brothers? Church? Uncle? Teacher? Boy Scouts?


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## GA HEART

He doesn't open up easily. No family members close by....I did offer for him to call my dad, but bless him.....the man perhaps says 3 whole sentences in an entire year. Not very communicative. We have been trying to find a good fit within a church recently, will continue looking. 

I am NOT looking for anything, but I was curious to see if the exbf had reactivated his PoF account.....he had. Had been "online today." I deleted mine after we met and got serious. It hit me harder than I expected to see him searching for someone else. (Enough to make me look around and see some potentials, but I didn't do anything about it.) 

I cried. Not even gonna lie. Pulled up a pic of him and had a wonderful little melt down (in my room, kids didn't see.) I'm better now. Taking the boys to the movies tonight.


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## Openminded

That was predictable on his part. He's not succeeding in getting you back and he needs to get out of his parents' house so he's looking for the next woman he can use. He'll find one but it won't last. You're very fortunate to have gotten out of that. Better days are ahead. Count on that.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

GA HEART said:


> Pulled up a pic of him and had a wonderful little melt down (in my room, kids didn't see.)


Nooooo, GA! Not the pic'. The texts. Pull up the texts!



GA HEART said:


> I did offer for him to call my dad, but bless him.....the man perhaps says 3 whole sentences in an entire year. Not very communicative.


He's my new hero.

I can go months without socialising but, sooner or later, I crack and just can't help but engage with other humans. 

It's a love/hate thing.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Here's a thought. Why don't you find some volunteer gig you and your son can do together? He can meet new people there (and so can you), he will increase his self worth by doing something important, he may just latch on to some great male mentor in that situation. You just never know.

And boy will it look good on his CV when he applies for college! I kept bugging my DD24 to do volunteer work in high school and she just couldn't be bothered. She is SERIOUSLY kicking herself in the toosh now for not doing it, while applying for grad school.


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## Flying_Dutchman

turnera said:


> Here's a thought. Why don't you find some volunteer gig you and your son can do together? He can meet new people there (and so can you), he will increase his self worth by doing something important, he may just latch on to some great male mentor in that situation. You just never know.
> 
> And boy will it look good on his CV when he applies for college! I kept bugging my DD24 to do volunteer work in high school and she just couldn't be bothered. She is SERIOUSLY kicking herself in the toosh now for not doing it, while applying for grad school.


This might appeal to DD24 and GA's kid too.

These days you'll need a b/g check and maybe a basic care cert.

Local authorities always need carers. Not just for staff but 'extras' for days out. While it may sound intimidating at first, taking out autistic, Down's syndrome (etc) kids is fulfilling and, more often than not, hilarious. Kids love it and so do the staff.

Get on a register and you can find as much or as little to do as you want.

In DD24's case, she can do NOTHING and put 'registered volunteer' on her app's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

That's a very good idea and a good point about the volunteering. Now that it's getting warmer, I'm sure we should be able to find SOMEthing on the weekends. Both my older boys (and the youngest one if they will let him) could benefit from some good old fashioned HELPING OTHERS. 

Blossom, did you make it to the expo? A friend of mine went and won a $250 gift certificate to Jeffers.  I used to live in the Dothan area and visited the actual store all the time (especially during the tent sales!)

I came SOOOOOOOO close to texting him last night. I actually pulled up a text from when we first started dating (a screen shot.) We had been talking about my trust issues (I had them when we first started dating......he pretended to be patient.) This is what he sent to me:

"You have learned from the past and refuse to live that way anymore. Absolutely put yourself first, build yourself up, LOVE WHO YOU ARE and find a partner who LOVES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE."

THAT ^^^^^ is the man he used to be. I actually pulled that screen shot up and sent it to him. But my wifi was acting all goofy......said it couldn't send the message, but would send it when the service become available. I came to my senses and canceled it before it went through.

That was a close one.

I wish I knew why I keep going back to him (in my mind.) I think it's the fear that I will be alone forever. I want to act all tough and be happy alone (and I AM happy on my own in a lot of ways.) But the kids' issues were getting to me yesterday. I feel like my family is falling apart a little (maybe it's just ME falling apart.) But with all the changes that have happened recently, it makes things harder. I know the exbf would have helped me with the kids. And I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. There is no one to be a father to these boys, and there won't be. (Their real dad couldn't be bothered.....actually, one's bio father is dead, and the other's bio father is a piece of crap that literally has only said "hi" to the kid. But the man who has adopted the one and is the bio father on paper to the other couldn't be bothered.) The exBF was willing. We didn't always agree on the kids, but he was there for me.

JEEEEEZUZ, my life sounds like a soap opera.    

Revisiting my book idea......If I had my own ****E together, I would open up a home for boys. LOL!


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## Openminded

He was never that man. He just pretended to be in order to hook you. It worked well because you still believe it. 

You need to be re-reading the last text he sent you --- every day. That's the real him.

PS
Your sons do need a male in their lives but he's not it.


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## Cynthia

Please delete the early texts. Those were from someone who was trying to impress and woo you. Save the recent texts where he is verbally abusive. Look at those when you have doubts.


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## GA HEART

Yes, delete texts. Good idea. I just hadn't thought about that. LOL!

I guess I could do the same with pics. Jeez. :-/

I'm doing better! It really is a process....


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Yes, delete texts. Good idea. I just hadn't thought about that. LOL!
> 
> I guess I could do the same with pics. Jeez. :-/
> 
> I'm doing better! It really is a process....


Yes, it is a process, but you are getting there. Keep the forward momentum.


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## GA HEART

HA! Well, I guess things happen in threes.....

Just got a phone call from my lawyer. My ex H (NOT the exBF in this thread) is apparantly now trying to take me back to court over child support. He is already a month behind, and still owes some other things from the divorce. I figured this was coming sooner or later. Now? UGH!  

Yay life! LOL!


----------



## GA HEART

He retired from the military last year and instead of getting a job in his field, he decided he wanted to be a card dealer at a casino part time and go back to school for himself. Which is all well and good, but REALLY? They DO make provisions for that, yes? Pretty please? I have got a small raise since the divorce when child support was set, but the man RARELY exercises visitation. Trying not to get upset about this.


----------



## GA HEART

Ok, nothing like being proactive to try and make yourself feel better! LOL! I talked to both the laywer and the child support services folks here and both said to not worry until I get served papers. (Never been served anything, I filed for divorce even though he is the one that wanted it.) The folks at child support services said that since it's private, they usually dont get involved, but obviously will let the courts know that he is a month behind. (He thinks he pulled a fast one on me because NC is showing him up to date.....but he IS a month behind and GA backs that up.)

SO! I am informed and no longer freaking out. Haha! It will all be ok. I don't depend heavily on child support, but with three kids I DO depend on it. It's not like it is going to stop copmpletely. I can make this work. I have ALWAYS found ways to make things work.....


----------



## GA HEART

And, I take back everything I said earlier.

I got served. While I was out feeding the chickens. LOL!

The hearing is THIS THURSDAY. As in, day after tomorrow!

Even the guy serving me said, "I don't have a dog in this fight, but this guy [my ex] is being dirty." He recommended I get a lawyer. He also said that the "talk" was my ex hasn't talked to me in three years. Which is essentially right. He flipped through the papers a bit and shook his head. Do the people serving stuff actually DO stuff like that? 

I"ve taken the time to read his petition and there are some flat out lies in there. But he did bring up the fact that "one of the children doesn't live with me." Well guess what? HE DOES NOW. I also told him of this a month ago when the kid moved in. I also have proof that I paid a portion of the child support to my kiddo's bio mom EVERY month he was there, with the exception of the month he skipped. (There was actually a couple months, but I got her caught up when he caught up all but that one.) For what it's worth.

Ok.......I can do this. Deep breath. Out. I have a call into my lawyer and THANKFULLY my idiot ex filed in the same county that handled the divorce. My lawyer can get an extension. I hope. Surely??!!

And my parents offered to give me the retainer. I paid for my own divorce from this @sshat, I hate to borrow money from them NOW. (AGAIN, I still owe the ex BF money.)

Keep it moving, GA HEART, keep it moving......


----------



## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> And, I take back everything I said earlier.
> 
> I got served. While I was out feeding the chickens. LOL!
> 
> The hearing is THIS THURSDAY. As in, day after tomorrow!
> 
> Even the guy serving me said, "I don't have a dog in this fight, but this guy [my ex] is being dirty." He recommended I get a lawyer. He also said that the "talk" was my ex hasn't talked to me in three years. Which is essentially right. He flipped through the papers a bit and shook his head. Do the people serving stuff actually DO stuff like that?
> 
> I"ve taken the time to read his petition and there are some flat out lies in there. But he did bring up the fact that "one of the children doesn't live with me." Well guess what? HE DOES NOW. I also told him of this a month ago when the kid moved in. I also have proof that I paid a portion of the child support to my kiddo's bio mom EVERY month he was there, with the exception of the month he skipped. (There was actually a couple months, but I got her caught up when he caught up all but that one.) For what it's worth.
> 
> Ok.......I can do this. Deep breath. Out. I have a call into my lawyer and THANKFULLY my idiot ex filed in the same county that handled the divorce. My lawyer can get an extension. I hope. Surely??!!
> 
> And my parents offered to give me the retainer. I paid for my own divorce from this @sshat, I hate to borrow money from them NOW. (AGAIN, I still owe the ex BF money.)
> 
> Keep it moving, GA HEART, keep it moving......


I think this might be the best thing that could happen - with or without a continuance.

Betcha ten bucks the judge is going to just run wild.....and not on YOU.


----------



## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> He retired from the military last year and instead of getting a job in his field, he decided he wanted to be a card dealer at a casino part time and go back to school for himself. Which is all well and good, but REALLY? They DO make provisions for that, yes? Pretty please? I have got a small raise since the divorce when child support was set, but the man RARELY exercises visitation. Trying not to get upset about this.


Keep your cool, GA. A couple of deep breaths and a shoulder massage!!

Remember (and make sure your lawyer does) that dealers get a LOT in tips. Moreover, a "grownup" and a "father" should being making decisions that are for the good of the kids - not just what they think is going to be fun.


----------



## GA HEART

Ok, heard from the lawyer. We are showing up tomorrow. Thank goodness I have a good working relationship with him!! He assures me that the liklihood of a continuance is VERY HIGH. And also, thank goodness the court is where I work, literally less than 10 minutes down the road. (My leave balance is pretty pitiful looking due to having kids, lol!)

I'm feeling a lot better this morning. I guess getting served is just one of those "high alert" things that makes one a bit tense. 

It's not like the child support is going to go away completely. Sure, it may get reduced, but I can manage. 

The saddest part about this whole thing is, If he had just tried to communicate with me about things.....or been an actual parent......I would have been more understanding about the whole money thing.


----------



## Cynthia

Better to get it out of the way now rather than having to wait until later.


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## GA HEART

I agree. Just need to have a sit down with the lawyer first. He said we will talk tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

Continuance until April 2. He came all the way down from NC. Hasn't seen the kids since he dropped the youngest back off at Christmas. Who wants to bet me a million that he won't bother to try and see them today? Come on, I could use the money! Lol! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

OH! And the best of news! My son has already finished one of his 4 classes! He made AN A IN EARTH SCIENCE!!!! Whoo hoo! Go boy! I"m so proud of him I could pop. He says he plans on finishing up the other two before he tackles the math class. He's been diligent about taking notes and he's been pushing himself to get them done so he can be in "regular" classes next year. At this rate, he might even be ahead!


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

GA HEART said:


> OH! And the best of news! My son has already finished one of his 4 classes! He made AN A IN EARTH SCIENCE!!!! Whoo hoo! Go boy! I"m so proud of him I could pop. He says he plans on finishing up the other two before he tackles the math class. He's been diligent about taking notes and he's been pushing himself to get them done so he can be in "regular" classes next year. At this rate, he might even be ahead!


Also indicates you've shielded him well from your current adult dramas.

That's top parenting GA. Give yourself a pat on the back. (Don't invite bad karma by getting smug about it, though.) lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

I dont feel like I've shielded him well enough, unfortunately. I guess he just knows how to compartmentalize well. All my boys are crazy resilient. They've had to be. We have a fairly open line of communication in our household, and while I don't spew all the gory details, they do know what's going on. 

All three of them are adjusting though. They've been through A LOT in the past 4 years. Sigh....

Oh, and the ex never once made an attempt to see them today. That is one detail they WILL NOT know.


----------



## lonelyhusband321

GA HEART said:


> I dont feel like I've shielded him well enough, unfortunately. I guess he just knows how to compartmentalize well. All my boys are crazy resilient. They've had to be. We have a fairly open line of communication in our household, and while I don't spew all the gory details, they do know what's going on.
> 
> All three of them are adjusting though. They've been through A LOT in the past 4 years. Sigh....
> 
> Oh, and the ex *never once made an attempt to see them today*. That is one detail they WILL NOT know.


What's the Cindy Lauper tune? "True Colors"?

I think that is completely horrible.

On one hand, it's great that your kids are resilient. On the other, it's terrible that they HAVE to be, as far as he's concerned.

Any man that doesn't love and support his own children is...well...NOT a man!!


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## GA HEART

What can I say? I sure know how to pick em! LOL!

In other GOOD news, my other older son was picked as one of 15 out of 130 to go to the summer JROTC Leadership program! 

It's been a GOOD DAY!


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

GA HEART said:


> I dont feel like I've shielded him well enough, unfortunately.


Of course you don't,, which is why you need others to point it out.

The facts speak for themselves,, the kids are doing fine and,, whatever their innate abilities,, their coping skills will be largely attributable to you.

Partner pickin' needs some work.

Parenting, not so much. You've done a good job,, largely on your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

FD, that made me tear up. Thank you.

I haven't always made the best decisions as a parent. But I have ALWAYS tried my hardest. Sometimes I was a little selfish, but for the most part I try to keep them FIRST without excessive sheltering. It really is a fine balance to try and maintain. I love them with all I got, and they are the only unconditional love I've had in my life. I'm so proud of the men they are turning out to be, and can't wait to see what they do with thier lives when they are out on thier own. (Still have a ways to go with the 11 year old. LOL!)

I became pregnant with my oldest at 17, had never even given a thought to whether I wanted kids or not until that moment. But after the sheer horror of THAT news wore off, I knew I would ALWAYS love that little bun and do the best I could to take care of him. After high school, he is planning on going to college, get his degree, and then join the military. He wants to fly helicopters. (We were stationed on a helicopter base for a few years with the exH.) His bio father is deceased, my exH adopted him when he was 3. I'm in awe everytime I think about the fact that when I was his age, I got pregnant with him!!! I am so proud of that kid. And the others as well. All 4 are as different as night and day. They all have different life paths to take (jury is still out on which direction the 11 year old will go.) But college or trade school, military or job right out of high school.....as long as they become respectible adults, I will consider my job well done and couldn't ask for anything more.


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## GA HEART

He texted me yesterday after no contact either way for over 2 weeks. Started out about the house, but eventually got back to us. He accused me of "already had relations with another man." Um, no dude, I haven't, thanks for telling me about me. 

When he would accuse me of stuff, it usually means he's done it. That only hurts a little of I think about potential R (not likely, but when the idea crees in.) He ended up saying that he loved me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999

Remember. He's throwing everything and anything at the wall to see if it sticks. He went from hatred to accusing you to loving you. All in the same texting session, I assume? So cliche and textbook. Couldn't he at least be more creative?

Stay on it, sister. You're doing great, and so are your sons. You're all thriving!


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## GA HEART

Oh he apologized for his "immaturity." I called him out on being on POF and he said I can't be replaced. Well duh. Lol! It definitely hasn't affected me as badly as I was afraid it was going to. It bums me out, but being bummed out is a VAST improvement. 

The feelings are still there for him. I can't just shut those off. But I don't feel the need to act on them. So thats an improvement. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

I'm failing to see how it's his concern if you have relations with another man. His gravy train is gone and he's desperately looking for a tactic that will work. Must be very frustrating for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

Because he's thinking I will take him back. He asked me if I would "consider him" if he has been sober for 2 weeks. (2 weeks ago he had been sober for 10 days.) He cares because he thinks he is going to get me back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

GA HEART said:


> Oh he apologized for his "immaturity." I called him out on being on POF and he said I can't be replaced. Well duh. Lol! It definitely hasn't affected me as badly as I was afraid it was going to. It bums me out, but being bummed out is a VAST improvement.
> 
> The feelings are still there for him. I can't just shut those off. But I don't feel the need to act on them. So thats an improvement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


GA HEART; It's normal to feel bummed and to feel loss and to wish things were different. It's normal to feel lonely. Just remember that he's shown that he doesn't have the temperament or maturity to be a step dad or a good spouse and that left you with no choice. It's sad but that's what it is. Now that doesn't mean you can't hope that he'll be a better partner for someone else but that's for him to work on.


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## Thundarr

GA HEART said:


> Because he's thinking I will take him back. He asked me if I would "consider him" if he has been sober for 2 weeks. (2 weeks ago he had been sober for 10 days.) He cares because he thinks he is going to get me back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you love him then hold him accountable. In my opinion that means he has to months of real change before you consider taking him back. You should realize that he probably can't be who you need him to be. Sometimes people surprise us but it's rare indeed.


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## Openminded

You deserve better than someone who told you he settled for you. Sure, he wants you back. His parents are probably tired of him and the most he can hope for is sleeping on a friend's sofa. So he will continue to try to manipulate you because it's worked in the past.

But you are a stronger person now. Use that strength and don't discuss anything personal with him.


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## Cynthia

Why would you consider reconciliation with a man who is trying to win you back with accusations and abuse?
And the sober thing - two weeks -really? Ugh.


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## AVR1962

GA HEART said:


> He texted me yesterday after no contact either way for over 2 weeks. Started out about the house, but eventually got back to us. He accused me of "already had relations with another man." Um, no dude, I haven't, thanks for telling me about me.
> 
> When he would accuse me of stuff, it usually means he's done it. That only hurts a little of I think about potential R (not likely, but when the idea crees in.) He ended up saying that he loved me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, it's okay for him but not for you so he has to feel you out and make the accusations. Don't fall for his own insecurities and do not play into his games.


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## GA HEART

I don't plan on it. My gut is screaming at me that he is still just upset about losing what he had versus losing me. 

He even alluded to contemplating suicide yesterday. But again the gut says it was just a ploy for attention. I ignored it. He didn't mention it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> I don't plan on it. My gut is screaming at me that he is still just upset about losing what he had versus losing me.
> 
> He even alluded to contemplating suicide yesterday. But again the gut says it was just a ploy for attention. I ignored it. He didn't mention it again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't matter why he is interested in reconciling. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a dysfunctional partner. He is highly dysfunctional and he treats you like you are worthless. Why you would even consider having anything to do with someone like that is beyond me. Sure you shared some good times, but that doesn't make up for the overall rottenness of the relationship. He is not a good partner and it would take years of self-examination and changes for him to become healthy. A couple of weeks of white knuckling on his part isn't proof of anything and it certainly doesn't show sustained health and growth.


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## GA HEART

Exactly. My heart tugs at me, but I'm pretty set in my resolve. I still have to get him off the house, and don't want to be ugly. But really, in talking to him last night. ....I just wasn't feelung much. Which I consider to be a good thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Exactly. My heart tugs at me, but I'm pretty set in my resolve. I still have to get him off the house, and don't want to be ugly. But really, in talking to him last night. ....I just wasn't feeling much. Which I consider to be a good thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, it is a good thing that you were not feeling much. Hopefully soon you won't feel a thing for him, except perhaps contempt.
You care about him, but you don't want him back in your life. Please go back to no contact. He will get his money when you are able to give it to him. He knows that. If had any real care for you, he would be patient and want what is best for you rather than pressuring you and trying to get more out of you. Yes, it is his money and he should get it back, but you are not a genie or a microwave. He's not going to get instant results and he's not going to speed things up by badgering you either.


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## Flying_Dutchman

GA HEART said:


> He even alluded to contemplating suicide yesterday. But again the gut says it was just a ploy for attention. I ignored it.


That,, and his other recent suspicion about you seeing another guy.

This is how misguided/twisted types can build their own brand of detatchment - through hate.

Of course, the suicide threat is a sham. But, when you don't rush to save him (take him back) he tells himself you don't care. Uncaring > heartless > evil.

Maybe another guy > must be another guy > it IS another guy. Cheating,, heartless,, evil.

In his head,, he's the epitome of manly perfection. To maintain that self-delusion, he has to convince himself that any woman rejecting him has something wrong with her. He told you that himself when he said you weren't thinking straight (or similar).

No rational woman would reject him,,, so he has to prove your irrationality to himself. You can only prove him wrong about you by taking him back. If you don't,, you don't care about him dying.

It's the ultimate psychological shít test. He puts his life in your hands - makes it your resposibility - and if you let him go you don't care. So he concludes, "heartless, evil, cheating bítch."

Hopefully,, he'll use that to finally detatch,, but you never know.

He's a slow burner this one. No contact for two weeks is a good sign.

Bad signs are that he still hasn't accepted it and he's still brooding on it,, and working on hate building.

The potential for upscaling hasn't gone away. The psychological steps have begun and that ain't a good sign.

Another hate-fuelled rant is probably round the corner.

Until he gets the message,, gotta stay vigilant, GA.

Might amount to nothing but there remains a worrying, narcissistic undercurrent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Might amount to nothing but there remains a worrying, narcissistic undercurrent.


:iagree:

And FWIW, as a narc, there is NO WAY he'd kill himself. He thinks too highly of himself.


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## tripad

Flying_Dutchman said:


> This is how misguided/twisted types can build their own brand of detatchment - through hate.
> 
> 
> Maybe another guy > must be another guy > it IS another guy. Cheating,, heartless,, evil.
> 
> 
> In his head,, he's the epitome of manly perfection. To maintain that self-delusion, he has to convince himself that any woman rejecting him has something wrong with her. He told you that himself when he said you weren't thinking straight (or similar).
> 
> 
> 
> It's the ultimate psychological shít test. He puts his life in your hands - makes it your resposibility - and if you let him go you don't care. So he concludes, "heartless, evil, cheating bítch."
> 
> 
> Might amount to nothing but there remains a worrying, narcissistic undercurrent.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that sure sound like my ex when i wanted to finally divorced .

except that he didnt threaten to kill himself . he just got into deeper debts i refused to pay anymore.

he did threaten loads of sh** and to run away from us after the divorce . so i told him , u can walk n do anything , we are divorced = heartless ***** ?


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## GA HEART

Narcissistic is exactly what I think he is. Dunno if he's enough to be diagnosed as one, but it wouldn't surprise me. It definitely explains a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman

tripad said:


> except that he didnt threaten to kill himself . he just got into deeper debts i refused to pay anymore.
> 
> he did threaten loads of sh** and to run away from us after the divorce . so i told him , u can walk n do anything , we are divorced = heartless ***** ?


Classic narc' behaviour.

Bruise their egos then fail to respond to their usual manipulation methods and, since their ego will accept no fault, work on hating (demonizing) the cause of their hurt and exacting punishment behaviours.

Debts,, keeping (hiding, destroying) assets,, custody 'fights' (etc) and, sometimes, violence.

Narcs inhabit the low end of the 'empathy scale'. What keeps most of them in check isn't their empathy so much as the knowledge that they can't get their selfish needs met from the confines of a jail cell or if they're socially ostracised. Just like the rest of us,, the dumb ones can't see the bigger picture of how their own behaviour blights their own lives.

So, many will use the hate to detatch,, worse ones will need the threat of social shaming/jail via the threat/violation of restraining orders and the very worst won't have those things interfere with their lust for vengeance.

Once you spot the narcissistic trait - it remains a trait rather than a diagnosable condition - there's no guaranteeing how far they'll go.

Past behaviour is a guide but, unless you know their previous partner(s), chances are you bought into their pity party of suffering at the hands of the same 'heartless bítch' that you've just replaced.

Indeed,, dissing their exes can be an early indicator of a narc. Daters beware.

Ironically,, we help GA to detatch by encouraging her to build up her inner narc at the expense of her empathy. He can do it easily. GA has to fight against all the inconveniences of being empathetic (feeling guilty or 'bad' about x, y and z). Hence "Don't remember the good times. Read the hateful texts." 

Anyways,, she's doing good. It just pays to be vigilant when seperating from narcs. It's one time trying to see the good in somebody isn't in your best interest. Best be one step ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART

FD, Thank you! I"m giving it hell trying! LOL!

I do feel a little bad about the whole thing because I have a HUGE empathy bone. But you are right, I HAVE to put myself first here. Not to mention my kiddos! I kinda feel stooooopid though, because I didn't see the narc at first, I DID see the manipulation. Even called him out on it. But I felt like it was something I could handle, that if I knew it was there, somehow it would keep me from being sucked into it. I was wrong, but at least I learned. I'm a slow learner. LOL!


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## Flying_Dutchman

Better slow/late than never, GA.

You're going forward instead of backward,,, and that ain't easy when you're the one living it.

We can point you towards the yellow brick road, but it's you has to skip along it.

You're doing great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh

Three resources for you...

The book Emotional Blackmail... get it .. you REALLY need this one.

also, Navigating Narcissistic Predicaments

And The Abuser's Reactions to Rebuke or Divorce


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## GA HEART

I like skipping! LOL! And thanks for the book leads, BL! I will check those out.


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## GA HEART

Yall. If you're still around and remember/care......just to update this scenario. 

I took him back 4 months after we split. Things were great for a year. We got engaged. Then the ugliness started creeping back in. The feeling that he just didn't truly love me came back. I know he loved me as much as an inherently selfish person can. We bought a farm. (His name only, my house is in my name only now and I still live here.) We both worked it and got it fixed up. I was happy enough, but I had accepted the fact that he just wasn't a very loving person. He didn't like to be available for me when I needed emotional support. Everything that got done was his idea. And done his way. I accepted that. But like I said, the ugliness started creeping back in. I couldn't handle both. Something in me broke. My feelings for him died a little. So we have broken up again and this time for good. I'm hurting, but nothing like I was 2 years ago. I still care about him and wish him the best. But I can't let him hurt me anymore. 

I'm not quite sure where I'm even going with this. You guys were such a tremendous support for me back then. I almost feel like I let yall down. (Ironically comical almost....)

Positives:
Naughty teenage son did graduate on time. He is now working for the same company my ex fiance is. Hoping this situation doesn't mess that up, but I'm sure it will be ok.
Other teenage son is in his second semester at college. Proud of both. 
Youngest son still lives with me and is doing as well as always. 
I'm still working my same job and can afford to live.

Just a little sad.


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## Openminded

Welcome back. I had wondered how you were. 

I'm sorry it didn't work but you didn't let us down -- you only really let yourself down (for a little while). He was never worth it but you had to see that yourself. I'm glad to hear of the positives that have occurred since you were last here. You're a very strong person and you'll move on and be happy again. 

I know you're sad now that it didn't work out and that's understandable but -- frankly -- you dodged a bullet.


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## GA HEART

Thanks. Last time I totally went NC on him because I knew that talking to him was bad for me. I was still pretty much madly in love with him. This time it's different. My horses are still at his place for now and it will probably be a little bit before I can figure out where to put them. Luckily I won't have to see him too often because he works out of town. But I do feel 110% more confident that I am DONE. I told him last time there wouldn't be a third time. Something in me snapped this time. Like it was a literal immediate change in my heart. Weird. I've never been able to understand how someone can just POOF quit loving someone else. Til now anyway. Lol!


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Thanks. Last time I totally went NC on him because I knew that talking to him was bad for me. I was still pretty much madly in love with him. This time it's different. My horses are still at his place for now and it will probably be a little bit before I can figure out where to put them. Luckily I won't have to see him too often because he works out of town. But I do feel 110% more confident that I am DONE. I told him last time there wouldn't be a third time. Something in me snapped this time. Like it was a literal immediate change in my heart. Weird. I've never been able to understand how someone can just POOF quit loving someone else. Til now anyway. Lol!


That's how epiphanies work sometimes. You go from one perspective to another and it changes everything. How one feels in her heart is based on what she believes. Your beliefs changed and so did your feelings - instantly. It was a growth spurt. Don't feel bad about it. We are a bunch of strangers on the internet. You do your life and enjoy the journey.


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## Satya

@GA HEART, we can only learn by making mistakes. Sometimes several times before it really clicks. And we have to do things in our own way, to our own timetable, for them to have real purpose. 

The heart doesn't always jive with the head. In the middle we lay in the sea of conflict and confusion. You chose. You learned. You're carrying on. I think you'll be OK, even if it'll take some time to heal.


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## lucy999

I remember you. Hang tough. You will get through this just take it day by day.

And im so pleased to hear about the positive updates about your kids. That's wonderful!


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## Openminded

You've come a very long way since you first posted. I know it hasn't been easy. 

It's less complicated for outsiders to see the problems involved with staying with someone because we don't have an emotional investment in the outcome. It's much more difficult when the heart's involved. BTDT.


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## GA HEART

Went and got most of my stuff last night. Longest intreaction since we split. It was hard on me. Having to see the farm, seeing all that I thought I had and lost..... :'( 

I went to the back and loved on my horses and cried. He didn't see, was still at the house putting boxes in my truck. He was sickeningly nice. We agreed to still be "friends" but when I tried to tell him I'm having a hard time defining what that means, he brushed that off. He also got pissy when I noted that some of my things were missing (Christmas stuff that I had as a child.) He tried to say that I was being vindictive for wanting them back. (Um, it's MINE.) He finally conceded and we put those boxes in the truck too. I didnt get it all because he had conveniently neglected to box it all up. 

He wanted me to keep his house key. I have mixed feelings about that, but I agreed for now. Mainly because he does still have some of my stuff. Some collector plates that were my grandmother's too. 

Anyway, I cried all the way home. Him being all too happy to load me up and kick me out of his life hurt. (Even though i initiated the breakup.) But I was ok after I got home and am ok now. I don't trust him an iota. He always has an ulterior motive in every single thing he does. I'm pretty sure he's playing some kind of reverse psychology game on me. 

Forward and upward.


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## lucy999

Sending you huge love and comfort today. Im glad youre feeling better. It will be ok.


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## GA HEART

Thanks! I am pretty much 100% fine today. Guess losing the farm was harder than losing him. Lol! He stopped by a few minutes to pick something up from me and all was fine. 

I guess it just takes time for all the feels to work out.


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## GA HEART

Sure hate to think about all the time I thought I was getting better.

I found out about 3 weeks ago that FOUR DAYS (probably before) after we split he started talking to a new gal. She's already come to visit him (she lives out of the country) they went on a huge trip together, and she has left a bunch of **** at his house.

I have been a complete WRECK since I found out. COMPLETE.

It should confirm that I made the right choice. But there was a teeny part of me hoping that he was hurting, realized that he lost a good thing. Apparently he threw himself a party instead. I'm devastated.


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## Cynthia

It's not about you. He was looking for a replacement to what he lost in the relationship with you. He's looking to fulfill his needs. Finding someone who lives far away from him is probably because he's looking for ego boost, but doesn't want to physically have to answer to anyone in his life. It's a fantasy come true. All fun and games, no accountability.


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## GA HEART

the logic is sound and understood. It's the emotions that are a *****. I catch myself second guessing my decision constantly. whereas before I found out about this other woman, I was pretty solid in my conviction. I am back where I was 2 years ago, wishing things were different and we could be together. Logic me knows that's stupid. He obviously doesn't even want me back. He has admitted that we are not good together. so why can't I get over it? Why is it worse now than it was two weeks out?


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## GA HEART

And why does it have to be me that is hurting so badly? I gave and gave and gave. And just wanted to be loved. He admitted that I did not ask for too much. He said I was a good woman, who deserved to be loved. I understand that people's feelings can change, But I tried to be so careful in the beginning. I tried to take my time when I first met him, to make sure that he was for real. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me. He promised me he would be there for me always. I suppose everyone is allowed to change their mind. he said he still would have married me. But I couldn't see living the rest of my life in the friend zone. he gave up on the relationship long before I did. but that doesn't make me any less miserable.


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## Cynthia

Are you in counseling?

I'm wondering if this is trauma bonding. Here is an article that can help you decide if that's what's going on: https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/
Have you read about codependency? That's another possibility.

What you are feeling is not healthy for you. You can't simply shut your feelings off, but it is time to find a resolution so you can move on and find real love. What could be so great about this man that you would continue to suffer like this? Why would you be more upset when you find out that he moved on so quickly? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that your response to the circumstances is not healthy for you. 

I'm sorry that you are struggling and that you have been mistreated. I believe that you can find answers to your questions and be able to regain your emotional health.


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## GA HEART

I'm not in counseling this time yet, but I did call someone earlier today to set it up. I have been in counseling plenty of times over the years. I've considered co-dependancy, but counselors haven't ever thought that was me. Trauma bonding is something I will look into, thanks for the link. 

I know this is unhealthy, I've never had good coping skills when it comes to matters of the heart. I've always found myself in physically/emotionally abusive relationships. I was raised by an abusive mother and a emotionally neglectful father. It was very subtle, and for all outside views I had a perfectly normal childhood. I really shouldn't complain, I know others had it so much worse. But sometimes I wonder if worse might have been better. Because I have zero clue what being loved really means. And that's all I've ever wanted. But I can't trust myself. I've done so much research, read gobs of self help books, been in and out of counseling. And still find myself here. Rejected and unloved yet again. I really thought I had figured it out before I got into this relationship. I'm not an unintelligent person. But I'm pretty damn dumb.


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## Cynthia

Sure there are people that have had it worse, but that doesn't mean what happened to you didn't impact your life. You matter. How you feel matters. What you think matters.

Our feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. It's how we handle it that either helps or hurts us.

I'm sorry, but I don't remember all of your story. How did you find this out? Why are you still in contact with him?


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## GA HEART

My horses are still at his place. He wanted to still be "friends." I had to go over there to care for the horses one day about 3 weeks ago and he was home. I was finally feeling like I was over the hump and I could speak with him on friendly terms without getting upset. He took advantage of that, hit on me......talked about all kinds of sexual things, even leaned in to kiss me. Offered me a glass of wine. I accepted, thinking it was like a peace offering. He was guarding his bedroom door, but I was able to see in there and saw all her stuff, including a framed picture of him and his new lady friend at Disney world on his dresser. I left in a big hurry after that. And have been a mess ever since.


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> My horses are still at his place. He wanted to still be "friends." I had to go over there to care for the horses one day about 3 weeks ago and he was home. I was finally feeling like I was over the hump and I could speak with him on friendly terms without getting upset. He took advantage of that, hit on me......talked about all kinds of sexual things, even leaned in to kiss me. Offered me a glass of wine. I accepted, thinking it was like a peace offering. He was guarding his bedroom door, but I was able to see in there and saw all her stuff, including a framed picture of him and his new lady friend at Disney world on his dresser. I left in a big hurry after that. And have been a mess ever since.


I'm sorry. Hugs to you. He doesn't sound like a kind person. Not someone who has your back, that's for sure. In a healthy relationship, people care about each other and they are kind and compassionate towards each other. He doesn't sound like he even knows what that is.


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## aine

GA, your ex sounds like a real ****. Why would you want to stay friends with that, you are worth so much more. You are opening yourself up to all sorts of emotional abuse, cut ties with this man asap. All communication through email or a lawyer, no contact will allow you to emotionally heal and move on.
He got rid of you in the worst possible way, made it seem you were somehow lacking (remember) while all along he was the one with the issues.

CUT HIM LOSE!


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## Satya

If anything, his behavior showed you precisely who he is. 

I doubt that's the kind of man you'd really want to waste your energy over. 

You're upset, I understand, but you're still giving him your energy by allowing his actions to cause you hurt. Liberate yourself.


----------



## MattMatt

GA HEART said:


> I'm not in counseling this time yet, but I did call someone earlier today to set it up. I have been in counseling plenty of times over the years. I've considered co-dependancy, but counselors haven't ever thought that was me. Trauma bonding is something I will look into, thanks for the link.
> 
> I know this is unhealthy, I've never had good coping skills when it comes to matters of the heart. I've always found myself in physically/emotionally abusive relationships. I was raised by an abusive mother and a emotionally neglectful father. It was very subtle, and for all outside views I had a perfectly normal childhood. I really shouldn't complain, I know others had it so much worse. But sometimes I wonder if worse might have been better. Because I have zero clue what being loved really means. And that's all I've ever wanted. But I can't trust myself. I've done so much research, read gobs of self help books, been in and out of counseling. And still find myself here. Rejected and unloved yet again. I really thought I had figured it out before I got into this relationship. I'm not an unintelligent person. But I'm pretty damn dumb.


It's not you. It's him.

We give people our heart. They can choose to love it and cherish It or squeeze it and hurt it.

That is on them.

But it hurts us.


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## GA HEART

I know you are all 110% correct. I've always been able to see the logical side of things. It's what led me to break off the relationship (twice) in the first place. 

Why there is such a huge disconnect between logic and emotion, I do not understand about myself. But I've always struggled there. I'm praying counseling will do something for me this time. I'm also praying I can get the horses moved sooner than later. I do have a plan there, its just taking some time.


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## GA HEART

And I could say i think a lot of my struggle is the fact that he is a master manipulator and a HUGE gaslighter. But really, I've struggled emotionally like this out of every single relationship I've ever had. So while yes......it is him.....there is definitely something wrong with me.


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## She'sStillGotIt

GA HEART said:


> Sure hate to think about all the time I thought I was getting better.
> 
> I found out about 3 weeks ago that FOUR DAYS (probably before) after we split he started talking to a new gal. She's already come to visit him (she lives out of the country) they went on a huge trip together, and she has left a bunch of **** at his house.
> 
> I have been a complete WRECK since I found out. COMPLETE.
> 
> It should confirm that I made the right choice. But there was a teeny part of me hoping that he was hurting, realized that he lost a good thing. Apparently he threw himself a party instead. I'm devastated.


I'd be willing to bet he was 'talking' to her *LONG* before you moved out. People don't just pick up and travel to another COUNTRY to meet someone they've chatted with for only *4 days*. I'd be willing to bet she's 'visited' the area a few times while you were still with him.

This guy is a loser. You were SMART to dump his worthless ass.


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## crocus

GA HEART said:


> And I could say i think a lot of my struggle is the fact that he is a master manipulator and a HUGE gaslighter. But really, I've struggled emotionally like this out of every single relationship I've ever had. So while yes......it is him.....there is definitely something wrong with me.




Hugs. 
He might be disordered...whatever profile he fits. There is some small merit to the whole "there is something wrong with me" if you keep experiencing it. 
But you won't get to that part until you have healed. You first. No hurry. 

Hint: The lesson will be more about how to "spot" wolves dressed in sheeps clothing and what will nurture you instead of harm. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

He wanted to cheat on her with you. He's the same **** as he was the first time you posted. It's time to stop trying to be friends with him. What that word means to him is that you continue to be someone he can use just like he used you when you were with him. You love who you think he is but that's really not him.


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## GA HEART

Well.

Lots has happened since I last posted a dern week ago, but bottom line is that he basically told me that he doesn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't take me back, even if I begged. (I didn't.) Oh, but he will still "be friends." I gave it a good college effort. But being around/talking to him is just too confusing and painful still.

I told him I just couldn't do it. Told him I was not going to contact him again until I moved my animals, just to let him know they are gone. Told him to please let me know if I haven't yet moved the horses and SHE was going to be there (he had mentioned something about her coming back second week in May.) I said I needed to avoid that situation because it would be detrimental to my healing. 

I'm praying the fence will get fixed at the new place and I can get the horses moved before the end of the month. I REALLY don't need to overthink about HER at MY farm, sleeping with MY man, and looking out onto MY gorgeous acreage and enjoying MY horses. (Yes, I know......not mine except the horses.....)

I have an appointment with a psychologist Friday. I deleted every single text between us, and all his pictures off my phone and facebook. Trying to not cry daily. Failing still. But hoping one day I will make it.

Why do some of us love unworthy people? Why is there such a massive gap between the logic and the emotion?


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## GA HEART

I feel like we broke up all over again, this time with him rejecting me. How in the hell did it get turned all around? 

PSA: NEVER EVER EVER EVER attempt to "be friends" with an ex. Ever.


----------



## GA HEART

Oh and for the record, I know I sound like a.....um.....broken record. Oh the irony. I have driven all my local friends insane at this point. Friday cannot come soon enough.


----------



## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> I feel like we broke up all over again, this time with him rejecting me. How in the hell did it get turned all around?
> 
> PSA: NEVER EVER EVER EVER attempt to "be friends" with an ex. Ever.


I have a feeling he has maneuvered himself into this position. Having your animals at his place is a bad idea for you. You need to get far away from this man and never have contact with him again. Otherwise, he's going to continue to toying with you.


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## 3Xnocharm

Nope, you cannot be his friend. You need to go 100% NO CONTACT once you get your horses moved. The man is not worth the space you are giving him in your mind. What a piece of ****.


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## GA HEART

I am getting the ponies out as quick as humanly possible. One day I will own my own property and NEVER allow a man to "help" me with that again. Ever.

I don't think he's going to "toy" with me anymore though. Apparently he's in love with this new person. I haven't been innocent. I did a pretty stupid thing. Yes, it's what you are thinking. Believe it or not, I initiated and he actually resisted at first, but we definitely followed through. (Yes, I know.......I know......) The aftermath is basically when he told me he wouldn't ever take me back. He said he regretted what we did. Said I made him a liar because they were supposed to be exclusive. (News flash, you always were.)

I know. I know. Head Doctor Friday.....


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## 3Xnocharm

He can only "toy" with you if you allow it, so make sure you dont allow that opportunity. What a disgusting person he is.


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## lucy999

Hell I'll come down and fix the damn fence myself. 

The fact that he wanted to kick it with you while there's another woman in the picture is gross. Keep that in the forefront of your mind.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know it sounds trite, but time passing does make it easier. Hang in there. You did absolutely the right thing. 

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## GA HEART

I love you guys and don't even know you. Lol! 

I think the "still in love with him" is starting to subside a bit, and that's somewhat hopeful. I still need to quit hurting myself emotionally over the rejection. Once he flat out told me he would not take me back, I guess I finally lost that last stubborn, miniscule shred of hope that he would come to his senses, realize what he was losing, beg for my forgiveness, and start actually loving me. Or something. I know how ridiculous that sounds. 

I take the blame for thinking that. I assign the blame for him confusing and playing me.


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## turnera

He didn't let you go. You turned him down. You showed strength. You go, girl!


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## aine

GA HEART said:


> I am getting the ponies out as quick as humanly possible. One day I will own my own property and NEVER allow a man to "help" me with that again. Ever.
> 
> I don't think he's going to "toy" with me anymore though. Apparently he's in love with this new person. I haven't been innocent. I did a pretty stupid thing. Yes, it's what you are thinking. Believe it or not, I initiated and he actually resisted at first, but we definitely followed through. (Yes, I know.......I know......) The aftermath is basically when he told me he wouldn't ever take me back. He said he regretted what we did. Said I made him a liar because they were supposed to be exclusive. (News flash, you always were.)
> 
> I know. I know. Head Doctor Friday.....


GA, a few things you can do to increase your self esteem and give him some of his own medicine

1. when you move the horses, make sure you take a long some guy (your ex doesn't know), a good looking hunkey one to assist you. Hire a farm hand if necessary, keep him wondering, show you are moving on.
2. YOu were stupid to sleep with him for sure, you are supposed to be moving forward and healing.
3. Contact the OW and let her know that you slept with him, that ought to mess things up a bit for him, he will have some explaining to do. Let her know that is he cheated on you, he will do the same thing to her.


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## Openminded

I remember your story. IMO, he used you from the beginning to get back on his feet financially. Why he came back the first time? IMO, it was because he was tired of living with his parents again after you had told him to leave. This time, he has the farm so he didn't have to chase after you like he did when he had nothing to fall back on. He's set. 

Now that he's finally moved on, I think you have a chance to move on too and you'll be able to find someone who's actually good for you. He never was. Be glad he found someone else because otherwise he might have come back again. And you'd be repeating all of this again at some point. You deserve much better.


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## GA HEART

I just want a clean break. I could play into it, but I honestly don't think he would care of I brought Brad Pitt himself out. He shouldn't be there anyway, he's normally out of town during the week and that's when I plan on moving them. My best friend is coming to help me. She has a truck/trailer too so I can do it in one trip. 

Yes, very stupid of me to sleep with him. I fully planned on telling her. But it's just not worth it to me. Let him hang himself. He told me that he told her and she quit talking to him but forgave him a day later. Of course, he also told me that they didn't actually have sex, just fooled around. *massive eye roll*


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## GA HEART

Gods, writing it out and going back to read it really makes me feel dumb. I trusted this man for 4 years. He's been lying to me the entire time I'm sure.


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## Openminded

Yes, he's very likely been lying to you from the moment you met him. And he'll never stop so hopefully his new relationship will last or he'll find someone else and he won't decide to come back to you. He knows that you are a very trusting person and that you lead with your heart and not your head. That leaves you vulnerable to men like him. Unfortunately.


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## GA HEART

Never again. Never ever again.


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## GA HEART

The more I think about it, the more I think Cynthia is correct. I am pretty sure he has maneuvered himself into this position. he was always very manipulative. We had talked a lot about stuff during the time we were hanging out. A lot. he tried to say he had tried to save me from the pain of finding out about his new woman. If he really didn't want me to find out about her, he would have prevenTed He wouldn't have let me in his house, or he would have put all her stuff up. He gave me mixed signals on purpose. He kept saying I was the one that broke up with him, and I was the one that rejected him. He did all this on purpose, and I gave him the result he wanted. So in his mind he has won. At this point, I would not be surprised if he does play out this new girl, and then try to come back. in his mind, he has succeeded in finding out that I still have feelings for him. So I am Plan B. He can go play around with this new person for a while, and then when he is tired of her, he will try. I am almost positive now. He had even said that we don't know what might happen in the future. well I know what will happen in the future. I Wouldn'ttake him back if he was the last man on Earth.


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> He had even said that we don't know what might happen in the future. well I know what will happen in the future. I Wouldn'ttake him back if he was the last man on Earth.


Good. Now wash that man right out of your hair. Get those animals out of his place and make a new and improved life for yourself. You deserve better than this.


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## GA HEART

Yes maam!! I do!


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## GA HEART

Thank you all! Truly! The advice of total strangers is so helpful at times. Friends and family are wonderful, but sometimes can be too close to a situation.


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## GA HEART

But for the record, they all agreed with you guys too. LOL!


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## Cynthia

I read an article that got me to thinking. It's about how our brain prunes connections while we sleep. It prunes the things that are deemed less important. The things we dwell on are organized and saved. If we are dwelling on the negative, guess what our brain is going to save? Yep. If we are dwelling on the things that make us anxious, guess what our brain is going to save? Yep.

It is vital to our wellbeing that we learn to dwell on that which is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent, worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8) When we dwell on these things, that is what will overtake our mind. It is what our brain will save in a place that is quickly retrievable. 

Do not dwell on that man. Dwell on those things that build you and bring joy into your life. Make new, happier memories and keep focused on those things.

Here's the article: https://www.fastcompany.com/3059634...brain-has-a-delete-button-heres-how-to-use-it


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## Openminded

From the beginning he's been a user and a liar. You were always Plan B -- you just weren't aware that you were. He's not someone to be trusted. It's easy for others to see all of that because we don't have the emotions for him that you do. He's not capable of loving you the way you love him. He just thinks you're an easy mark. I know right now you think you wouldn't take him back but IIRC you thought the same thing when you ended it the first time too. 

He's excellent at manipulating women -- especially you -- and he knows it. Be prepared.


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## lucy999

GA HEART said:


> he tried to say he had tried to save me from the pain of finding out about his new woman.


***barf***

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## Openminded

I just re-read some of your posts from two years ago. I had forgotten that he told you then he had settled for you. And that he was on POF. Always looking for the next opportunity. That's who he really is. 

I'm sure he promised you the moon two years ago to take him back. And he'll do that again if things don't pan out with the new one -- or the one after her.


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## GA HEART

Thanks for the article, Cynthia! 

The love for him was always still there last time. We were already back together at this point. But my love for him is genuinely wearing off now. I'm starting to see him for who he genuinely is. And that's an ugly person. I have no use for ugly people in my life.


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## aine

GA, you are a bright, strong and beautiful woman (I know because any woman who loves horses is! ). You can move on to something much better than him, he will get his comeuppance, they always do. Remember what doesn't kill you makes your stronger and wiser!


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## GA HEART

Oh aine, thank you so much!    (Big smiles! )


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## GA HEART

My best friend is coming down in about an hour and we are moving the horses. I haven't contacted him since last Tuesday. Counseling went well Friday and i am going again this week. 

Once the horses are gone, the only other thing I have to decide to do is tell his new girlfriend in Costa Rica that he's cheated on her. I keep going back and forth with that. I have proof that it happened. Undeniable proof. So if I tell her, I can send that. Or I could just chalk it up to her problem and move on. I do not think he would retaliate if he found out I told her. So I an very torn. I am usually very anti-drama. And this is nothing but drama.


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## aine

It's up to you, remember you want to do what makes you happy and helps you heal. We would all do different things, if it was me I would tell her, just to have the last say and give him some of his own medicine but some might think that its time just to drop it and move on. She will find out sooner or later who he is, not your problem.


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## GA HEART

Which is where I sit with it usually, just let it go. But having "stalked" her Facebook page, she looks like a genuinely sweet woman. In fact, if she looked like a green card grubbing *****, I would giggle my ass off and skip away humming. But from what I can see on her Facebook page, she just looks like a kind person who is looking for love. The same kind of person he preys on. So then my "sisterhood" vibe kicks in. But I can't save the world. Ugh....


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## She'sStillGotIt

GA HEART said:


> He tried to say he had tried to save me from the pain of finding out about his new woman. If he really didn't want me to find out about her, he would have prevenTed He wouldn't have let me in his house, or he would have put all her stuff up.


He was carrying on with her *before you even moved out*. Why do you think he was so happy to help pack up your car when you were leaving? He already her HER waiting in the wings. No one chats for 4 measly days online then travels out of their own country to meet some stranger.

He's SUCH a lying loser.


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## She'sStillGotIt

GA HEART said:


> Once the horses are gone, the only other thing I have to decide to do is tell his new girlfriend in Costa Rica that he's cheated on her. I keep going back and forth with that. I have proof that it happened. Undeniable proof. So if I tell her, I can send that. Or I could just chalk it up to her problem and move on. I do not think he would retaliate if he found out I told her. So I an very torn. I am usually very anti-drama. And this is nothing but drama.


I'd do it in a New York minute.

Once your horses are gone, what can the ass-bag do to retaliate? Egg your house? Soap up your windows?

Years ago I left a cheater/user and he would show up at my new place ranting and raving that he wanted me back. As soon as he'd leave, I'd contact his OW/girlfriend and tell her that her 'boyfriend' had stopped by yet *again*, begging me to come back to him. I'd tell her to keep a shorter leash on him as I wasn't interested in *my* left-overs.

Damn, he'd call me whining the next day, demanding to know why I'd ratted him out. He was stupid enough to do this 2 or 3 times before he finally realized that I'd contact her *every* time he did it, so he finally stopped.

Why did I do it? For the entertainment value, mostly. And because it's always fun to stick it to the OW.

I highly advise you tell her. I'm not sure if he lied to her when they first started chatting and told her he was single, or whether he was honest and told her you were living together. He's SUCH a freakin' liar, who knows? So it's highly possible she WAS the OW at one point.


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## lucy999

I'm so glad you are moving the horses. Concerning telling his new girlfriend, I'm all for sticking it to your ex, but don't you think it would fall on deaf ears? If she is so enamored with him, don't you think it would look like sour grapes on your part?

I get your feeling about The Sisterhood though. I would have a hard time deciding too.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## GA HEART

I've absolutely considered that it might fall on deaf ears. However, with my proof, it will show that he has been lying to her. And that might be enough to open her eyes and save her from my pain. Honestly, I feel so sorry for her. I feel sorry for any woman in his life. He is destroyed every single woman in his past. I cannot even get into all the details. But they are ugly. But I can't help but think that I wish his ex-wife had contacted me in the beginning.


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## Openminded

And yet you remained in love with him until you found out about Miss Costa Rica. She may be the same way. I would let it go.


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## GA HEART

She may be. But I know I have to really evaluate my motives before I do anything. Because if I contact her I only want it to be out of a "sisterhood" type concern versus just trying to stick it to him. What she decides with any (if any) info I give her is on her. But I have to evaluate if my conscience is driving this more or if it was more of a drive to "get back" at him. THAT IS not a self-serving motive and I know it. It's always going to be a part of it. I can't lie and say it isnt. But as long as its a very minor part, I feel more confident in moving forward with telling her. My problem at the moment is determining which motive is strongest. So I've done nothing. 

But my horses are now moved and safe. My best friend came up and helped me. He was there. We exchanged some very ugly words, but she kept things moving, and shut me up when I needed to. (LOTS of button pushing, on both our parts, sad to say.) But they are gone. I have no more ties to that man.


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## hylton7

I hope every thing works out well for you.


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## Síocháin

I am 9 months into a separation of a 20 plus years failed marriage. There is something I need to tell my niece (well, use to be) about my STBXH. She is the only family member that stayed in contact. I have been trying to tell her for months. I have been back & forth. Am I doing this out of revenge, what are my real motives, etc. It is tough to figure that out but I have. It is important to me that she know this. It has driven a lot of my actions through the separation of absolutely no contact. Never want to talk to or see him again. You just have to ask yourself would YOU want to know and what can you live with. If that answer is yes, please tell her. Doesn't matter if you get a little bit of revenge satisfaction (that's natural after being so hurt), you are still doing what you feel is best.

ETA: Satisfaction and doing the right thing can co-exist.


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## GA HEART

Well, I sent her some messages via facebook. She has yet to read them. I didn't send my proof and won't unless if/when she asks for it. I did tell her I had it. So I guess I can say i tried. And my conscience is decently clear.


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## She'sStillGotIt

GA HEART said:


> She may be. But I know I have to really evaluate my motives before I do anything.


But that's where you're WRONG.

Your *intentions* - whether they're good, bad, ugly _*or*_ revenge-driven - don't CHANGE the importance of the information to HER. I'll never understand why some people feel that their 'intentions' are somehow the most important thing when it comes to telling a betrayed spouse about their cheating spouse. Your intentions don't matter at ALL to the BS - it's the* information *that matters to her. That's the bottom line.

And if I'm being honest, it's just extra bonus points if she WAS the OW while you were with him. :rofl::rofl:


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## GA HEART

Well, thanks to facebook's lovely "other" folder, I don't know whether she will get the information or not. She has changed her Facebook settings as of yesterday, due to him telling her to lock it down because "I'm crazy" I am positive. So I could not try to send her a friend request or anything. I did "like and share" one of her recent global posts, and when I shared it, I asked if she would please check her messages and that it was important. (He is not on facebook, doesn't have one.) I've done all I can to catch her attention. It very well may backfire (she ignores and/or blocks me.) But it is what it is. 

If she DOES see my messages and contacts me back, I plan full well on asking when they actually started talking, and when he told her we actually broke up. I have a feeling it was long before he said either actually happened. 

It all is what it is at this point.


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## 3Xnocharm

If she has messenger on her phone, it should prompt her about your message.


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## GA HEART

Dunno if it's a phone or if she uses a computer. I figured with the share, it would at least give her a notification. I always check my shares, because it never says which photo a person shared. Of course, I don't know if it will send a notification if someone not on your friends list shares something.


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## GA HEART

I will have my answer if I end up blocked. But so far, I'm not blocked.


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## Miss Independent

.


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## 3Xnocharm

Mine has prompted me before about a "message request" which comes from someone not in my friends list. I dont think its consistent though, because I have found messages that I had no idea I had received before, lol...


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## Cynthia

You have done your part. The rest is up to her. Let it go.


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## GA HEART

I had fully planned on letting it go, but I decided to reach out to her adult son. That worked. I chatted with him for a bit, he said he told her, and it was up to her to decide what to do. I agreed, thanked him, and am now going to let it go. She still has not seen my messages, but it is obvious that she does not have Messenger on a phone. She must check her stuff from a computer. My message would have sat in the other folder for countless years, unnoticed. So now I know she knows. Whether or not she reaches out to see the proof is on her. I have done my part. And yes, I am ready to move on.


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## Cynthia

I'm glad you are ready to move on. Onward and upward.


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## GA HEART

Yes maam!


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## GA HEART

Ok, I do want to move forward, but WHY doesn't she care? Why hasn't she read my messages and seen the proof. I'm sure he must have warned her. Maybe he came clean and she already forgave him? (His version of coming clean would have been very watered down.......and my proof is undeniable.....VAR stuff.)

But most importantly, why do I care????????

Someone just shoot me. Put me out of my own damn misery. Now I hate myself for telling her on top of everything else. I can't win.


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## lucy999

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You've done all you can do. Hell, you've done far more than others would do.


ETA::laugh:

https://youtu.be/YVVTZgwYwVo

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Ok, I do want to move forward, but WHY doesn't she care? Why hasn't she read my messages and seen the proof. I'm sure he must have warned her. Maybe he came clean and she already forgave him? (His version of coming clean would have been very watered down.......and my proof is undeniable.....VAR stuff.)
> 
> But most importantly, why do I care????????
> 
> Someone just shoot me. Put me out of my own damn misery. Now I hate myself for telling her on top of everything else. I can't win.


I think it's because you are putting too much thought into it and your brain is retaining that and building on those connections. The way to stop is to let the thought pass, but immediately when you recognize it to replace it with something that meets the following description: good, true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, excellent. Make a list of things if you must. You can pull it out and refocus your attention. I actually wrote and article on a way to do this. If you're interested, you can find it here: How to Refocus Your Thoughts Using 3x5 Cards | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World

The harder you try not to think about it, the worse it will get, because you can't stop thinking of something you are thinking about stopping! Seriously. Do not try to figure it out. When your thoughts take a turn for the worse, refocus your attention. The article I linked is Christian based, but you can apply it without using the Bible or scripture. You could use poetry or something you want to commit to memory.


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## GA HEART

Thank you Cynthia, I need to attend over thinkers anonymous. 

I do love that song, Lucy. Wish it were that easy.


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Thank you Cynthia, I need to attend over thinkers anonymous.
> 
> I do love that song, Lucy. Wish it were that easy.


You're welcome. You can get unstuck from this. Have hope and try some techniques to get you past it. Do not dwell in the negative. Flush it out with positive.


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## turnera

You ask why she doesn't care, so I'll just say one thing - and THEN tell you to let it go, lol. Would YOU be willing to date a married man? No? Then realize, right now, that you and she are completely different, so what YOU expect her to do - based on what YOU would do (care) - doesn't even apply to her. Ok?


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## DepressedHusband

GA HEART said:


> And it sucks.
> 
> I'm hurting badly. I want to be weak and just stop the process and hope it all goes away. But I can't. Because it won't.
> 
> When things are good, they are GREAT! I love him and we have a great time together. He is a very good friend, and understands me more than any man ever has.
> 
> But when things are bad, they are AWFUL. When we argue he gets UGLY....calls me a b*tch, tells me I just want "new meat," tells me to "go ahead and call the cops on him" (wtf?,) etc.


I sense some mania in this relationship, who does it belong to is it, you or him ? Be very careful with that evaluation, you may not want to admit your driving a problem. 




GA HEART said:


> More and more he has become super critical of what I do. In the past 3 weeks, he has tried to make me feel like I am a bad mother, have my priorities in the wrong places, and he flat out called me irresponsible. I am NONE of those things. But I was starting to believe them......I found that everytime he mentioned something to be about how I needed to do things differently (his way) I changed myself to try and make him happy. But it was never enough..


can you give some examples, results and expectations , go over a few of the scenarios that occured. ??? this is very vague, and indicative of someone in a state of depression. 





GA HEART said:


> It all came to a head the other day (the irresponsible statement.) I had genuinely forgotten to make a phone call to the propane company. Our tank still had 30%. I HAD called and left them a message, but they never called back (less than 24 hours) but because I didn't do it the next day, all of a suddon, I am irresponsible..



running out of propane is a big deal, and I find your minimization a bit troubling, I feel that there is a pattern of you not taking responsiblity for household items your husband expects you to handle, you are a team, and based on your commentary thus far, he feels as if he is pulling the rock by himself. 




GA HEART said:


> I work full time.* I pay ALL my bills *(and most of the household bills) on time. Have NEVER had anything disconnected or even had to pay late fees. I am a GOOD mom to my boys. They need nothing and want for little. They both make good grades and behave. I clean the house. I lived on my own for 3 years before we moved in together and didn't have any issues taking care of business. I open myself up to him for sex ANY time he wants it (have NEVER turned him down, but he has turned me down plenty.).


Marriages are team work endeavors, there is no I in team. 




GA HEART said:


> So HE said he was moving out. And I said ok and have stuck with it. Then he backtracks.....
> 
> "I'm not ready to let go of what we have."
> "We should do counseling" (Mentioned before, but nothing ever came of it.)
> "You're the one causing this."
> "You don't care how much I'm hurting."
> "I guess I will take this ring I bought you back." (Called him out on that, there was no ring.)
> "F' you."
> "I want my money back out of the house." (he paid 25% of the down payment, I paid the rest.....and most of the mortgage payments.)
> "You only see what you want to see."
> "You don't take responsibility for your actions."
> 
> Among other statements. Not ONCE has he said anything about losing ME.
> 
> My brain gets it. My heart is being a b*tch.



End the marriage, stay single and date, your not really up for marriage, and you should admit this to yourself and spare yourself the pain.


----------



## GA HEART

DepressedHusband said:


> I sense some mania in this relationship, who does it belong to is it, you or him ? Be very careful with that evaluation, you may not want to admit your driving a problem.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> can you give some examples, results and expectations , go over a few of the scenarios that occured. ??? this is very vague, and indicative of someone in a state of depression.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> running out of propane is a big deal, and I find your minimization a bit troubling, I feel that there is a pattern of you not taking responsiblity for household items your husband expects you to handle, you are a team, and based on your commentary thus far, he feels as if he is pulling the rock by himself.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Marriages are team work endeavors, there is no I in team.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> End the marriage, stay single and date, your not really up for marriage, and you should admit this to yourself and spare yourself the pain.


Dude. Respectfully, you have NO CLUE what you are talking about and seem to be projecting something in your situation onto mine. All that you quoted was from 2 years ago. I was absolutely the lone team player in this relationship and will ALWAYS evaluate my part in any situation. Ask my kids, friends, family, co-workers, etc. I ALWAYS pull more than my share and rarely complain. Just want to be treated with love and respect. Do not think I'm asking for a helluva lot.....


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## GA HEART

P.S. I wasn't married. I kept pushing it off because I wasn't sure I should because of his actions. And thank God I didn't marry him.


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## GA HEART

Well, he wins. She blocked me without reading messages. Guess being cheated on isn't a deal breaker to her. Most likely he did damage control beforehand and convinced her I was crazy. Whatever. It's done.


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## Cynthia

GA HEART said:


> Well, he wins. She blocked me without reading messages. Guess being cheated on isn't a deal breaker to her. Most likely he did damage control beforehand and convinced her I was crazy. Whatever. It's done.


Please just delete the messages. You did fine in trying to warn her, but what she does with that information isn't on you. It's on her. Someday she will look back and realize she should have listened, but that's not your fault or your problem. Nothing has changed for you in this.


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## GA HEART

I did and you're right. It's no longer my problem. I've joined a support group for people getting out of relationships with narcissists. Whether or not he is technically one doesn't matter. He fits the bill and the support of the group is nice. I go back to my therapist on Saturday too. Can't wait to fill him in and see what he has in mind for me. I haven't cried since after lunch. I am realizing that the damage done was more than I had imagined. I used to be a very confident person (I followed the adage, "fake it til you make it" and it always worked for me. LOL!) But now I have ZERO confidence. None. But at least I'm realizing that somehow gaining my confidence back is the first step in letting go. I feel better than I have in days. This minute. LOL!


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## GA HEART

Just a quick check in.

I finished up all the sessions I had with my counselor and he sent me forth into the world telling me he thought I was gonna be "just fine." LOL! He suggested I call at any point in time if I needed to, but so far I haven't.

Memorial weekend my ex had his new Honey Boo Boo in the country from Costa Rica. I saw pics of her with his mom and sister on her facebook. He wasn't in any of them. Apparently the family has welcomed her in with open arms. Same family that supposedly "loved me" and was constantly asking me when we were getting married. HA! That was a hard weekend, but it was also the last time I facebook stalked her page, haven't wanted to since. 

I did hear from a childhood best friend of his who informed me that breaking up with him was "the best thing that ever happened to me." And the wife of one of his cousins did tell me that they missed me terribly and that their hearts went out to me. So I suppose not everyone thinks that his behavior since we split has been normal and wrote me off like I didn't ever exist.

I actually was doing really well! I cried daily for literally months. But for the past month or so, I had barely cried. I wasn't feeling so hurt anymore. My heart and brain were finally starting to jive.

Then came the dreams about him. Vivid, realistic, present day scenario dreams. Involving my kids, his new girl, my new fella friends, etc. LOTS of sex. Although I didn't really feel any "love" towards him in the dreams, which was good. But I've had 3 in the past 5 nights. Found out yesterday that he requested that my son come work under him again. Which wouldn't be all that unusual, except the kid QUIT. The child QUIT HIS JOB early last week. Told his boss he quit on a Monday, didn't go into work (obviously) but by Wednesday his boss called him and told him that he was being transferred. I KNEW my ex had to have had something to do with it because no one just quits and still has a job afterwards for no reason. Found out yesterday that it was all true. And he was going back underneath him. I have been filled with anxiety since then, because this man ALWAYS has a motive. And my son had been saying that the ex would never answer his phone calls or call/text him back and he had been reaching out to him for weeks/months. So this is all out of the blue. I'm hoping its just as simple as he owes him money......

Anyway, I've been kinda sorta seeing a fella, and chatting with a few more. (Lol!) Word got out that I was "single" and GOODNESS I wasn't left alone. Dudes started coming out of the woodwork. It got so annoying I considered faking my own death. (HA!) But seriously, I ended up posting some kind of "going off the grid" thing on facebook and was able to get rid of a lot of them. Haha.

The one I'm kinda sorta seeing I met at the gas station. He is so chill he is almost comatose. We live like 5 minutes away from each other so I've been hanging out at his place occasionally. We just chill on the porch with a cocktail and listening to music. There is ZERO pressure and it has been very nice. (Sex is great too when we go there! Hee hee!) I really kinda like him, he's smart and funny and laid back. But I can't tell if I'm just a boredom buster/booty call for him or not. And that's a little annoying because that's not exactly what I want. But I don't want anything serious either.....so...... (I'm a little confused myself. Haha!)

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. I'm ok. Hoping and praying that my ex just goes on and marries his chickita banana and leaves me the hell alone. This getting to me kid thing has got me a little worked up, not gonna lie. There is ALWAYS something in it for him. Always.


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## turnera

Nice update. You're on no timeline, nothing you have to do or accomplish. Just enjoy life. One day at a time.


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## Cynthia

Sounds like you are moving on. Good for you!


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## DepressedHusband

GA HEART said:


> Dude. Respectfully, you have NO CLUE what you are talking about and seem to be projecting something in your situation onto mine. All that you quoted was from 2 years ago. I was absolutely the lone team player in this relationship and will ALWAYS evaluate my part in any situation. Ask my kids, friends, family, co-workers, etc. I ALWAYS pull more than my share and rarely complain. Just want to be treated with love and respect. Do not think I'm asking for a helluva lot.....


Not buying it, what so ever, if you were do as you claim, then you would not be herr making equivocations, and again, the issue maybe that your priority's and values do not line up with his.


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## JericaP

Blossom Leigh said:


> I try to view that kind of intense charm as violating a boundary like a Judas kiss. It will take you time to see the difference between a Judas kiss and an authentic one, but by the time you do you will spot it quicker.


Yes, I'm quoting from pages ago on an old thread, but I couldn't resist relating to this post and adding, that yeah, sadly, ... for me ...charming _is_ the red flag, now.


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