# My alcoholic father



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My father has been an alcoholic my whole life. I really thought that I had gotten to a peaceful place where I no longer held any anger towards him. Right now I'm so angry I can't sleep.

My mother has been having health issues lately. My father asks for us to come and support him, fine I can do that. He then announces that when my Mom dies there will be absolutely no service, memorial, funeral, nothing. I was so shocked I couldn't even respond. 

I actually told another poster here just a few days ago that I was past the anger. This kind of selfishness is beyond my understanding. I'm just so angry and hurt by this man's selfishness and narcissism, like he's the only one who will be hurt when my mom passes.

Has anybody else ever had an alcoholic parent try to push you away in this way? What is he thinking? He's the spouse so I guess he has all the power, just like when I was a child.

I told my sister he may not have a service, but he can't stop me from arranging something on my own, with or without him and my Mom.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree. End of life services are about the mourners - to support each other in their loss. The loss of a parent and spouse is hard enough without animosity. Perhaps asking your Dad why would help. 

I wonder if your father just doesn't think he can cope. Is he sober now? Maybe he thinks it would push him to a bender. Do you think he's being mean and selfish and just wants it "over with" so he can move on, or could it be feelings of guilt and regret? He may regret the years he wasted drunk and feels guilty he wasn't a better husband for her and wants to avoid those feelings and therefore wrap up the logistics quickly so he can not dwell on those things. 

Does your Mom have other friends and family who would want a service? Can you offer to handle it all for your Dad if he just agrees to let you have one? Is it about the money? Does your Mom have any last wishes that you could use as a way to persuade your father?

I understand your anger and it is justified. Everyone copes with loss in their own way, but his way shouldn't deny you (and others) their way. If you need this closure, and would like to have a service in her honor, please do so, with or without his cooperation. Perhaps reach out to her church, her good friends, or a local funeral home, depending on whichever is the best resource for you.

I'm so sorry for your pending loss - I hope this difficult time isn't made more difficult with family strife.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My father is still a binge drinker. He doesn't "like" funerals. WTF? Who likes a funeral? 

My mom has a brother and sister, several cousins, many nieces and nephews, five kids, ten grandchildren, and many friends she's known since childhood. 

I'm pretty sure my Dad just doesn't want to go through the emotional part of a service. He never allowed any of us kids to show any emotions, we aren't allowed to see my Mom if we might cry. I told him I would take care of everything and he doesn't even need to come, but he's adamant.

He's been a selfish bully my entire life and I'm not sure if I will be able to continue any kind of relationship with him after this. Just venting here has helped. I just need to get back to my peaceful place and be rid of this anger and disappointment in a man who is completely effed up. He's never been capable of any kind of love, empathy, or support so I guess I shouldn't have been so shocked. I just didn't see it coming..


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah, no one likes funerals. I'm sorry for asking such personal questions during a tough time as this, but is she well enough to express her wishes and ask you to carry them out? Put them in writing? I don't mean to pry - I was just thinking it might help if you have some sort of authority to handle her final arrangements.

I'm sure the 'no crying' rule is part of why he doesn't want to do it. That's a shame. When something happens that is heartbreaking, we should ALL cry, regardless of gender. Feel no shame in crying at your mother's passing and her funeral. It sounds like she'll be better off without him by her side.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Giro. Have you ever gone to an Al Anon meeting? Now seems like a really good time to start going, even if it's once a week. 

I would absolutely work around an active drunk father to grieve the way I need to, and to offer that opportunity to the rest of the family and friends. A memorial service and pot luck kind of thing. YOU need support, and your father doesn't get to tell his adult kid that support isn't an option. He can choose not to have any and be insufferable, but you can choose to celebrate your mother's life with whomever you want, however you want. You can also make sure he doesn't attend if you want to make that life celebration/service a safe space for yourself.

Emotions are necessary for all humans. I hope you find peace and create the support system you and the family need. I'm willing to bet there are other family members who will gladly take on varying responsibilities with you to make sure your mom is celebrated as she should be: with love, not with your father's resentment.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks for all of the kind thoughts😀. I have been to Al Anon way back when. It really did help back then. I've been coping so well for at least a decade,so when dad dropped this bomb I was really surprised at how much he can still hurt me.

My mom would never go against my dad, never. I will just have to ignore him and do what's best for me and the rest of my family. Just when you think you have grown strong enough to deal with damaged parents something crops up out of the blue and it's just a dagger to the heart. 

I will concentrate on how blessed I am, my wonderful husband, great kids, and fabulous in laws. Thanks again...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> I was really surprised at how much he can still hurt me.


Chances are high that he has been hurting you his whole life, you just haven't recognized it totally yet.

Personally I think you SHOULD recognize it and put your finger on it.

To me, it doesn't really sound like even have a father at all......

:scratchhead:

Judge your relationship with people based on time involvement, care and love.

Not by the status in your life.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

You're right DoF, he has been hurting me my entire life. I've gone through many years of therapy to realize the depth of it. I was really just surprised this time because I thought I had completely detached from him.

I have absolutely no expectations of love from him, so it was surprising how much this hurt when it happened. He doesn't have any control over my day to day life anymore but I have no control over what he decides to do for my mom when she dies. Sorry to be blunt, he will have control of her remains.

I will just do what I can for me, my siblings, and our kids. I just wasn't expecting there to be this added drama at such a difficult time. I will never truly understand people who seem to enjoy hurting others. He must realize that he will be completely alone after she's gone. You would think he would want to ingratiate himself, not alienate himself further.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Don't worry, you are not the first or last person that has a ****ty parent/father.

Never forget where he stands and just be supportive to your mother.

Look at the bright side, if he chooses not to have a funeral that's few less hours you have to spend around him. 

:scratchhead:

Personally I would completely distance myself from him all together....but I realize you have a good relationship with your mom, so naturally that's hard.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

My alcoholic father won't go to funerals either. He didn't even go to his own brothers. I can relate to the making peace with them and then getting mad later. I think it's a lot like grief. But instead, you are grieving the idea of them. Grieving for your unmet needs of the past and present. The fact that you were able to come to a place of peace in the past is a great sign. It's weird. I mean I'm an alcoholic/addict in recovery, I should be able to understand it's a disease. I shouldn't be hurt by the same selfishness I had when I was drinking, but I do. I have a seemingly endless supply of compassion for my alcoholic brothers and newcomers to my AA group but with my parents it's different. I have forgiven them, but I still get hurt and angry. For me, I've had to change my definition of forgiveness. To me forgiveness is simply when you stop trying to get even. You accept that the past couldn't have been any different. My plan of action is limited contact with my family with very superficial conversation only. It's been working for the past year and a half now.

If I were you, I might have my own memorial with flowers and a beautiful slide slow of pictures where everyone shares their favorite memories of your mother. Really celebrate her life, know what I mean? I would invite your father with no expectations tied to his response. He may have control of her remains, but he has no control over her memory in the hearts of those that loved her. You will get through this. You have already overcame so much. This is just one more hurdle. Hugs


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