# Is change possible



## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

I am about to tell my husband that it's over if he doesn't change his ways. I have a whole list of thing and non of them are unreasonable. To cut the long story short, I want him to grow up. I'm sick of being the adult in our relationship and taking care of everything while he can do whatever he wants without thinking of kids or my needs. 
So my question now is, is it possible for men to change? Can they really change or will he tell me he'll change and then hide things from me better?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

It absolutely is possible for a man to change. The only thing, is he has to be ready to change, and he has to make the change for himself. If he doesn't agree with the need to change, or he is using those behaviors as a defense then the effort needed either won't be enough to happen, or to sustain any change that does happen.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Ok, then tell me if I am asking to much if I want him to spend more time (or any time) with me and the kids. He spends every day all day long on the computer playing a game. He doesn't help around the house at all. He never helps in the back yard. He spends all HIS money on God knows what and expects me to give him more money. He doesn't even talk to me and yells at the kids all day long. He never likes looking after the kids because "they can be naughty and no one understands how hard that is". When he has holidays I still have to take kids to my mum's when I go to work because he is on holidays and he needs time to himself. What about my mum? Doesn't she need some time to herself? I don't think if someone is kind enough to give us a hand we should take advantage of them. He's not reliable. We were having people over the other week and he was too tired to help with anything. He worked 38 hours that week and I worked 70. On the day of the party he went out and didn't come home until 5PM. People were coming at 6PM. But then he didn't have a problem taking credit for all the food and decorations and when he got drunk he picked a fight with me and when I tried to ignore him he went up to all my friends and told them how I am a bad person because everything is all about me all the time. Apparently I have been so nasty to him in the last few weeks. When one of my friends asked him what he meant by that he told her that in the last two weeks I asked him to do the dishes and cut the grass. She asked him if he did it and he said "Of course I didn't. I am not her slave." when all of them started laughing at him he got really mad and yelled how "All women are just users. They are all leaches." Then one of my friends went up to him and told him how he is slowly loosing a great woman because he is being stupid and childish and he got even more mad and had to get some moral support from a fellow man so he turned to his friend and asked him for his opinion to which his friend replied "Mate, you better start thinking."
I think I went on and on with this post but I am just trying to say, he had it too good for too long and I am not going to take his s#!t from him anymore. If his using all his dummy spits as "defense" he should just grow up. I feel like a single mother of 3 kids instead of a mother of 2 with a partner.


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## Guest (Nov 10, 2008)

Aceso, I am soo sorry you have to deal with that. It is completely out of line of him to act like that and for you to bear that burden.

Is he ever rational and does he drink a lot? ie frequency as well as amount?


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Jason said:


> Aceso, I am soo sorry you have to deal with that. It is completely out of line of him to act like that and for you to bear that burden.
> 
> Is he ever rational and does he drink a lot? ie frequency as well as amount?


He used to be a social drinker when we first met and that was fine as he didn't have to get drunk. THen things changed when kids came along. As I was at home looking after the babies he was spending more time with his friends getting drunk and then he started taking drugs. He'd drink every day until money ran out and bills had to be paid by my parents. THen I got sick and my doctor said that the illness was caused by stress so I put my foot down and said enough is enough and was about to kick him out but he begged me not to as he was going to change. He stopped drugs and drinking for a while but every 3-4 months he'd go of the rails with drinking. He'd drink for few days then he'd be "sorry" and he was going to change and he did. He stopped drinking but he started playing a stupid video game. At first it was ok because he'd do it for couple of hours every evening but then his work roster changed and now he has 5 day break every 3 weeks and then 7 days off every 6 weeks which gives him more free time and he spends all those days in front of the computer from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. I think he just exchanged one addiction for another.
And lately he has been drinking every couple of weeks as well and I have a feeling he's doing that to get to me. He knows how it always brings bad memories and it makes me mad. But the thing is, even though I get mad I haven't been saying anything to him and that seems to make HIM mad. He tries to start an argument but on a child's level. He'd come into the room and say "Yep, I'm drunk again. <followed by a stupid laugh>" If I still don't say anything he'll continue with "You must be soooooo mad that I'm drinking again but you know what? This is who I am. I'm a man and I can drink whenever I want and there is nothing you can do about it." If I still ignore him he'll say something like "It's like good old times, ay? You know, when I used to smash the house and then you had to clean it up. Do you want me to do that now?" 
Is he crazy or what?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

It's definitely not asking too much for a father to actually be an active participant in their childrens lives. They should damn well want to be involved, otherwise they should just have kept it in their pants in the first place. :lol: 

Want to borrow my frying pan when i've finished with it?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

He certainly seems to be unwilling to change or feel he has any need to do so. You might have mentioned it before, but I'll ask anyway : Have either of you gone to any kind of counselling?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

your original question was whether or not someone can change i think. my answer is this: some of the behaviors you want changed may have been learned over many years, so they may be ingrained in his makeup. but...given a stern enough set of consquences, i believe anyone can change. i suggest making demands for change in specific areas, then give him a set of circumstances for non-compliance. that sounds childish on the surface, but we're talking about your life and emotional well-being.

anyway, stick to your guns on the consequences and i think you can see some change.

put drinking on top of your list. they way you describe how he acts when he drinks is deplorable.

good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> So my question now is, is it possible for men to change? Can they really change or will he tell me he'll change and then hide things from me better?


I struggled with this question in my relationship. But i think my H is actually changing. there's always the possibility he's hiding something, he has in the past, but im working on being more approachable and reasonable.

it sounds like your H is an alcoholic, among other things. have you ever gone to an alanon meeting?


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Earthmother1970 said:


> It's definitely not asking too much for a father to actually be an active participant in their childrens lives. They should damn well want to be involved, otherwise they should just have kept it in their pants in the first place. :lol:
> 
> Want to borrow my frying pan when i've finished with it?


So true and yes, I'd love to borrow your frying pan. I don't think any of mine are heavy enough. :rofl:



> Have either of you gone to any kind of counselling?


I asked him before and he told me he doesn't need to pay someone ton of money to tell him that he's an idiot. Doesn't that say something? :scratchhead:



> given a stern enough set of consquences, i believe anyone can change.


If losing a family isn't enough to make you wanna change, I don't know what is. So you think it's possible? Why are there sayings such as "Leopard never changes his spots." or "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." if it can be done?




> I struggled with this question in my relationship. But i think my H is actually changing. there's always the possibility he's hiding something, he has in the past, but im working on being more approachable and reasonable.


It's good that your husband is trying. I wish mine would stick to his promise. We'll see. I am doing my best to believe but there is always that "BUT" in the back of my mind. And for hiding things...THat really bugs me. I believe that if you are brave enough to do something be brave enough to admit to it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

From man who did change for the betterment of his marriage, family and self my answer is yes people can change. But in my case to took a long a period of self reflection which lead to a period of self loathing. The changes my wife asked for were not unreasonable at all and I should have been paying more attention to her all along. Your husband does have a long list of issues. Serious issues!!!! It may be time to ask him to leave. Plan it out and know your direction. When you tell him make him aware that you’ve thought this through. How you will finance things, visitation to the kids, how to handle telling them.… It may wake him up enough to make a serious effort to better himself. It is referred to as therapy with a 2X4. WHACK!!! If he agrees to change clearly set your boundaries. Enlist his best friend who already knows he’s being as ass to talk with him and help guide him. If he is unwilling to change show him the door. Based on what you’ve said here you and the kids would be better off without him. Good luck.


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## Guest (Nov 10, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> He used to be a social drinker when we first met and that was fine as he didn't have to get drunk. THen things changed when kids came along. As I was at home looking after the babies he was spending more time with his friends getting drunk and then he started taking drugs. He'd drink every day until money ran out and bills had to be paid by my parents. THen I got sick and my doctor said that the illness was caused by stress so I put my foot down and said enough is enough and was about to kick him out but he begged me not to as he was going to change. He stopped drugs and drinking for a while but every 3-4 months he'd go of the rails with drinking. He'd drink for few days then he'd be "sorry" and he was going to change and he did. He stopped drinking but he started playing a stupid video game. At first it was ok because he'd do it for couple of hours every evening but then his work roster changed and now he has 5 day break every 3 weeks and then 7 days off every 6 weeks which gives him more free time and he spends all those days in front of the computer from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. I think he just exchanged one addiction for another.
> And lately he has been drinking every couple of weeks as well and I have a feeling he's doing that to get to me. He knows how it always brings bad memories and it makes me mad. But the thing is, even though I get mad I haven't been saying anything to him and that seems to make HIM mad. He tries to start an argument but on a child's level. He'd come into the room and say "Yep, I'm drunk again. <followed by a stupid laugh>" If I still don't say anything he'll continue with "You must be soooooo mad that I'm drinking again but you know what? This is who I am. I'm a man and I can drink whenever I want and there is nothing you can do about it." If I still ignore him he'll say something like "It's like good old times, ay? You know, when I used to smash the house and then you had to clean it up. Do you want me to do that now?"
> Is he crazy or what?


Kick his ass out and let him feel what it's like to be in the same boat I'm in. He doesn't deserve you if that's what he's doing.

When he begs to come back make him go into treatment for 30 days and then AA for life. Make him work at it like Voivod.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

I agree with most of what has already been posted....
Not only does he have to change for him self (he needs to get to the self loathing and decide to actually change) but he will need support through the change.
Be careful not to have unenforceable expectations....you can't control him, make him do anything, etc...
You can talk, explain, symphasize, emphasize, etc. At the end of the day you can only choose to participate in the marriage, or not. That is the only action you are in control of.
Be cautious of trying to use that as the 2x4 - he might not respond the way you want. Divorce isn't the answer to the problem - it is just choosing a different set of problems. Choose wisley.

T


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

> Divorce isn't the answer to the problem - it is just choosing a different set of problems. Choose wisley.


Yeah, divorce is never the answer but it would make my life easier. I am tired and overworked and not happy with my home life. As soon as I leave the house I am like a new person. I go to work and I am happy and laughing and when it's time to go home I can feel my mood deflating. Doesn't that say enough? 



> Kick his ass out and let him feel what it's like to be in the same boat I'm in.


The thing is, I wanna make sure that we really can't work things out before I "kick his ass to the curb". I don't wanna have him moving out then moving in and so on. When I kick him out that will be it. He has to decide that he wants to be here or he wants out. If he wants to stay he will have to do 50/50 around here and spend time with me as a normal couple should. Am I asking for too much? I don't think so.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Write out a reasonable list of things you expect out of him and out of yourself.

Include a fair amount of home participation (family time, chores, kid care) and a reasonable set of chores to either do separately or shared (yardwork, housework, bill paying, car maintenance, etc.).

Spell out the need for respect and love and intimacy and how it is related to the behaviors I listed above.

Insist, emphatically, that drinking and drugs and squandering the shared resources of your life is not going to be tolerated (his time and money is really both of yours).

Have him make a similar list and see if you can get the two to match up. If his does not include the drug and booze, stick to insisting it be included.

Negotiate over some things. But make a fair and reasonable attempt.

If it doesn't work? Then split up.

Sounds easy, I know it is not.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> I am about to tell my husband that it's over if he doesn't change his ways. I have a whole list of thing and non of them are unreasonable. To cut the long story short, I want him to grow up. I'm sick of being the adult in our relationship and taking care of everything while he can do whatever he wants without thinking of kids or my needs.
> So my question now is, is it possible for men to change? Can they really change or will he tell me he'll change and then hide things from me better?


Yes they sure can change but you need to convey to him your issues. My wife 3 weeks ago out of the blue told me she no longer was in love with me and wanted out of our 15 year marriage. If i had an idea that things had gotten this bad i would have done anything to try and make the situation right. I dont have that chance now she refuses to talk about our relationship and says its over without even giving me the benefit of trying. So please if you love him and want this to work
share your concerns. Dont be like my wife an drop the bomb and blindside the guy. Give him a chance and if he doesn't change then you will know that you did all you could do to try and save your marriage.

I wish i had the opportunty but I didnt get it.. my prayers are with you !


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> Yes they sure can change but you need to convey to him your issues. My wife 3 weeks ago out of the blue told me she no longer was in love with me and wanted out of our 15 year marriage. If i had an idea that things had gotten this bad i would have done anything to try and make the situation right. I dont have that chance now she refuses to talk about our relationship and says its over without even giving me the benefit of trying. So please if you love him and want this to work
> share your concerns. Dont be like my wife an drop the bomb and blindside the guy. Give him a chance and if he doesn't change then you will know that you did all you could do to try and save your marriage.
> 
> I wish i had the opportunty but I didnt get it.. my prayers are with you !


skin,
i have a different outlook. i say you do still have a chance. until things are legally final. there's no such thing as common law divorce. time is your friend. continue to work on the things that you need to work on, and she could have a change of heart. because think about this: she changed her mind once, right? when she married you she said something like "'til death do us part" right? so she changed her mind. she decided she wasn't waiting for death to "part." now she says she wants to part now.

so she CAN change her mind. maybe she will change her mind about leaving you if the changes in you are what she wants to see.

optimist, yeah, but realist too.


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