# What's the formula?



## Enchanted

Me and my husband have been married for 11 years. I want my marriage to last for the rest of our lives. 

What can I do now to ensure we'll always be happily married?


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## woundedwarrior

Communication & intimacy are my top two. Those are the two main areas that suffer over the years.


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## Enchanted

woundedwarrior said:


> Communication & intimacy are my top two. Those are the two main areas that suffer over the years.


We do communicate. There are things we avoid because the conversations get us into fights but for the most part we communicate.

Intimacy - we don't have a lot of sex but we're affectionate.


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## woundedwarrior

The key is if you are both content & satisfied with both areas. I would take consistent affection & romance over sex any day. Avoiding fights is always a good thing.


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## Amplexor

25+ Years together

Communication is key. Avoidance of hot issues generally leads to withdrawal or resentment.

A healthy sex life, an area we sometimes struggle with but communicating one's needs/wants has helped.

Quality time together. My wife and I spend huge amounts of time together.

Physical intimacy. We hug and kiss several times a day.

Empathy, we try to keep in mind where each other is coming from and why we differ in opinion.

Every couple should read The 5 Love Languages.


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## Mavash.

Married 21 years. I say you both need to want it to last the rest of your lives. That ensures that you're both willing to work on problems as they arise.


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## Caribbean Man

Married 18 years.

Humour.
Have fun and laugh, even at the most serious things.
If both of you could find each other's jokes funny and laugh at the same things, a special bond , like a deep a understanding is formed.

Don't take each other neither yourself too seriously.


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## Coffee Amore

Don't cheat on each other either emotionally or sexually.

Have an independent sense of self worth; don't look for your spouse to make you whole or fill a void in yourself.

Be able to laugh easily, don't take everything seriously. Having a good sense of humor will take you far in life. 

Pick your battles; not every disagreement is worth getting mad about. You don't always have to be right or have the last word.

Don't let small issues grow into big problems. Nip problems in the bud before the issue gets bigger than both of you. If you're having problems talking about certain issues, don't avoid them. Over time those issues will become huge issues. Conflict avoidance is not a good strategy for marriage.

Learn to fight right without sarcasm, mockery, insults. Easier said than done, but a good skill to master. 

You're a team. There's no "I" in team. 

Be a good listener. Try to understand things from your spouse's point of view. 

Be a good communicator. Don't assume your spouse knows what you want or can read your mind. Explain things clearly and with examples especially if you're talking to your husband. Remember that nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication so stop the eyeball rolling and other rude gestures.

Have a solid friendship with each other underlying your marriage. 

Make room for fun each week. Married life isn't all about the bills, the kids, the housekeeping, your work obligations. Forget to have fun with each other and you'll soon find that your spouse has found someone else willing to have fun with him/her. 

Make sure you both agree on money matters and your sex life which are two things that often drive a couple to divorce.


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## romantic_guy

Enchanted said:


> Intimacy - we don't have a lot of sex but we're affectionate.


Are you both happy with the frequency of sex?


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## meson

Coffee Amore's post was great! Those are all great things to do and most I try to live by. The only thing I would add is to develop good boundaries with your spouse that you both agree with. Don't wait until a problem happens. 

CM is right. It's all about the fun. Just last weekend while the kids were gone we built a fort in the family room in front of the fireplace and spent the night in it. We're not afraid to act like kids...


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## Ikaika

I don't think there is much to add to CA post. 

I will say however money can be source of real problems in a marriage when it should not be. For years I was the keeper of the accounts and that simply should not be. I have basically communicated to my wife she needs to be aware of the finances right along with me. It not only keeps me accountable it also means if something happens to me she can step right in and do the bills etc. 

Raising kids can also create rifts and it too should not. It becomes even more complicated when you have a child of special needs and you have two parents who have differing philosophies on what is best. Being on the same page or at least making compromises on child rearing can go a long way in saving a marriage.


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## ChknNoodleSoup

My marriage is failing. But it wouldn't have if we communicated better, were more intimate, and more mature. I think maturity, intimacy, communication, and effort.


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## Enchanted

romantic_guy said:


> Are you both happy with the frequency of sex?


We both want to have more sex (in theory) but we tend to push it aside to watch TV.


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## Enchanted

Coffee Amore said:


> Don't cheat on each other either emotionally or sexually.
> 
> Have an independent sense of self worth; don't look for your spouse to make you whole or fill a void in yourself.
> 
> Be able to laugh easily, don't take everything seriously. Having a good sense of humor will take you far in life.
> 
> Pick your battles; not every disagreement is worth getting mad about. You don't always have to be right or have the last word.
> 
> Don't let small issues grow into big problems. Nip problems in the bud before the issue gets bigger than both of you. If you're having problems talking about certain issues, don't avoid them. Over time those issues will become huge issues. Conflict avoidance is not a good strategy for marriage.
> 
> Learn to fight right without sarcasm, mockery, insults. Easier said than done, but a good skill to master.
> 
> You're a team. There's no "I" in team.
> 
> Be a good listener. Try to understand things from your spouse's point of view.
> 
> Be a good communicator. Don't assume your spouse knows what you want or can read your mind. Explain things clearly and with examples especially if you're talking to your husband. Remember that nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication so stop the eyeball rolling and other rude gestures.
> 
> Have a solid friendship with each other underlying your marriage.
> 
> Make room for fun each week. Married life isn't all about the bills, the kids, the housekeeping, your work obligations. Forget to have fun with each other and you'll soon find that your spouse has found someone else willing to have fun with him/her.
> 
> Make sure you both agree on money matters and your sex life which are two things that often drive a couple to divorce.


These are the best rules! Thanks


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## Enchanted

meson said:


> Coffee Amore's post was great! Those are all great things to do and most I try to live by. The only thing I would add is to develop good boundaries with your spouse that you both agree with. Don't wait until a problem happens.
> 
> CM is right. It's all about the fun. Just last weekend while the kids were gone we built a fort in the family room in front of the fireplace and spent the night in it. We're not afraid to act like kids...


We know fun is important and we are going to put more effort into planning fun things for the weekend. Right now, we do spend a lot of time doing housework. But we enjoy doing projects around the house so that is sort of our fun.


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## Enchanted

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> My marriage is failing. But it wouldn't have if we communicated better, were more intimate, and more mature. I think maturity, intimacy, communication, and effort.


I'm so sorry that your marriage isn't working out. Maybe you can start communicating with your spouse now?


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## anotherguy

Together 25 years.

Shall I throw a monkey wrench in the works? 

Here is the formula: 'luck'.

OK - I hear you thinking... 'he11 no, its not luck, its hard work!' Of course its hard work. Duh. But stop patting yourself on the back for a moment and consider.

---

I know tons of couples. Happy ones. Miserable ones. Divorced ones and couples that are all over the happiness spectrum. All of them 'tried'. All of them wanted it to work. Some did, some didnt. Some talked too much, some not enough. Some had great sex and failed - one has little no sex and believe it or not they will be together forever. Some succeed, some fail or wish it would fail sooner. Drugs and cheating and stupid people play their part as do brilliant ones. I know one couple that barely scrape by financially and have been married 40 years. I know another that is very (very) wealthy and they hate each other - their life is a miserable sham and a divorce is probably seen as the big elephant in the room. 

All of the aphorisms and tactics and formulas for success.. you know what? The more I look at it and the older I get the more I think all it doesnt matter. Maybe it will make things better, maybe not. It may make you feel better about yourself and remind you about some important things that are easy to overlook. I really believe all the self help junk out there regarding relationships fails as often as it works, and can possibly do harm as well as benefit others. Face it: people are not especially good diagnosticians and self evaluators.

If you and your spouse are not a total goobers, if you make sane and reasonable life choices with relationships and finances and friendships and habits you have a good chance at being fine - at having a long and happy marriage. If you happen to be married to someone that you are compatible with... and believe me... you may not really know for YEARS if you have personalities that mesh... then you got lucky. You think you systematically 'made a good choice'? Mabe so, proof is in the pudding as they say... but I am more inclined to think that again... you got lucky. Lets also not forget that this is just as much about ourselves as it is about our mate. We all change, and how we grow up an evolve together is pretty hard to forecast.

I listen to people that take the credit for having a great relationship... but I also frequently note how they also feel and say that they are 'lucky'. You see this over and over.

No magic recipe, and life and relationships cannot be distilled down to a formula much less a hallmark card with pithy little nuggets of 'wisdom'. If you 'do everything right', it can still fall apart. Sometimes things go 'wrong' and it continues to work... why is that?

If you have made it to 10, 20, 30 years or more... just keep on rolling and thank your lucky stars for everything you have. If you are new to the game - keep on doing your best - maybe you will get lucky too and be grey and bent and frail and walking in the park holding hands with your partner and laughing at each others little faults and barely remembering a time in your life when that person wasnt in your life and the warm smolder of a lifelong relationship rolls on.

If 'date night' and 'communicating' and 'respect' and 'fun' are things you need to work on.... OK.. knock yorself out.. its all good - but the rube goldberg complexity of relationships and having a successful lifelong marriage is like catching lightning in a bottle. Its great to have it I imagine...maybe someday I will find out... but I dont expect to be able to read an ingredients list and be able to make lightning and rainbows. It doesnt work that way.

sorry... just babbling...


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## romantic_guy

Enchanted said:


> We both want to have more sex (in theory) but we tend to push it aside to watch TV.


We are like that but instead of the TV it is our work schedules. We usually make up for it on the weekends! 

Here is a reading in our bedroom that we try to live by...and just so you know, we will celebrate 41 years this July:

"Start by giving freely, expecting nothing in return. Say easily both “I’m sorry” and “You’re forgiven.” Find one new interest to share each year you’re together. Give small gifts frequently and when not expected. Compliment each other, especially in front of friends (and family). Never bury anger or resentment, it will only produce bitterness and a hardened heart. Always listen to and respect each other’s opinions especially when they differ. Work equally hard on your relationship as you do in any career or outside interest. Never assume your loved one knows how you feel about them...unexpressed love has no power at all, but love spoken and shared brings joy. Treasure peace between you more than being right or having the last word. Know that there is no greater reward for loving than to grow old enjoying the life you’ve created together."


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## romantic_guy

Threetimesalady said:


> 54 years and 2 months married....
> 
> When I married my husband, I was head over heels in love with him....Still am...Not 30 minutes ago we finished watching "Bridge of Mad**on County" (don't know why this was blipped) and we are still the way Francesca and Richard were...Why?...Probably because I never let this special part of us go away...And may I add he is a very willing partner....For us sex was and always has been big....Still is...He just plain makes me feel so young and I do the same with him....


Loved this!! We watch chick flicks all of the time cuddled up naked on the couch and we have been madly in love for most of our 40 years of marriage (most every marriage has its difficult times). 



> To me one of the most important things is to marry someone like you are...I adored him from the start and he I...Then add to this that we are alike...Both love sports and both kind of wise a**es and having fun all the time.....Someone once asked didn't you miss the kids after they left....Here we would both say No, this was when we really started to find each other again and the whole house to ourselves...We just plain have a ball....


Ours is the love of music and singing together has been an important part of our lives since we met in high school choir. Oh, and the empty nest is the BEST!!!



> A day does not go by when this is not spoken in fun or whatever game of life we are playing....


So very important! Loved this post!!!!


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## Caribbean Man

Threetimesalady said:


> 54 years and 2 months married....
> 
> When I married my husband, I was head over heels in love with him....Still am...Not 30 minutes ago we finished watching "Bridge of Mad**on County" (don't know why this was blipped) and we are still the way Francesca and Richard were...Why?...Probably because I never let this special part of us go away...And may I add he is a very willing partner....For us sex was and always has been big....Still is...He just plain makes me feel so young and I do the same with him....
> 
> Unlike so many women nowadays, I married for love and not good stock or the thought of a good provider...He had nothing....But, God how I loved him...He has now given me the world...We want for nothing...I believe all this is because of the love we have between us...
> 
> Couples fight...We had some differences and I am sure along the line that the word Divorce was mentioned...Maybe because of the kids or maybe two immature people (with me the biggest culprit) letting off steam that said something yet meant nothing...Unfortunately, it was always ME who said this word...This happening now makes me cringe as I wonder who in the name of God did I think I was to dare say this to this man....All I can say is he must have loved me a lot to allow me to grow up and be to him what I had to learn to be....
> 
> To me one of the most important things is to marry someone like you are...I adored him from the start and he I...Then add to this that we are alike...Both love sports and both kind of wise a**es and having fun all the time.....Someone once asked didn't you miss the kids after they left....Here we would both say No, this was when we really started to find each other again and the whole house to ourselves...We just plain have a ball....
> 
> He worked rotating hours so this part of marriage we were able to work around...When love is strong, you work things out....I can recall a baby's Baptism where my husband was called in to work, but this again is all part of marriage...
> 
> These are pretty much the things that made us...We constantly talk....Love to watch movies and I share his love of sports....Add to this that the word "I love you" is not a stranger to our vocabulary....A day does not go by when this is not spoken in fun or whatever game of life we are playing....
> 
> I recently did a post on expectations in marriage...The only promise that I made from the start was, if and when we had babies that he would always think that he is my favorite...I would love them to death, but he was the shinning star who made me who I was.....and may I add, I still feel the same...
> 
> Take care, Caroline...


Another great post again!


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## goodwife4

Amplexor said:


> 25+ Years together
> 
> Communication is key. Avoidance of hot issues generally leads to withdrawal or resentment.
> 
> A healthy sex life, an area we sometimes struggle with but communicating one's needs/wants has helped.
> 
> Quality time together. My wife and I spend huge amounts of time together.
> 
> Physical intimacy. We hug and kiss several times a day.
> 
> Empathy, we try to keep in mind where each other is coming from and why we differ in opinion.
> 
> *Every couple should read The 5 Love Languages.*


not just read it but both of you act on it. my hubby and i read it and i went about fulfilling his love language daily and NEVER or hardly ever had mine fulfilled..

he had EA

we now in R and it is very very hard.


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## Bellavista

I have been spending a lot of time in retirement villages recently. Most couples in there have been married 40-60+ years.

What have I noticed? The wives speak, the husbands jump. I am finding it funny that in these elderly couples, in nearly all cases, the wives rule the roost.


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## SimplyAmorous

ThreeTimesALady... what pure inspiration to us all...... LOVE LOVE LOVED your story.










*1.* Never Keep Secrets









*2.* Listen before you speak...OWN your own faults before each other

*3.* Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it 

*4.* Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave.

*5.* If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.

*6* Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful.

*7.* Bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .

*8.* May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 

*9.* Appreciation ~~ Forgiveness ~~ Emotional Honesty ~~ Touchy/feely affection ~~ Laughter ~~ Vulnerability ~~ a willing Transparency ~~ Patience with one another ~~Sharing / Listening ~~ and never forget some Old Fashioned *ROMANCE* ! 

*10.*.....


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## Sillyputty

SimplyAmorous said:


> ThreeTimesALady... what pure inspiration to us all...... LOVE LOVE LOVED your story.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *1.* Never Keep Secrets
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *2.* Listen before you speak...OWN your own faults before each other
> 
> *3.* Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it
> 
> *4.* Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave.
> 
> *5.* If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.
> 
> *6* Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful.
> 
> *7.* Bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .
> 
> *8.* May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.
> 
> *9.* Appreciation ~~ Forgiveness ~~ Emotional Honesty ~~ Touchy/feely affection ~~ Laughter ~~ Vulnerability ~~ a willing Transparency ~~ Patience with one another ~~Sharing / Listening ~~ and never forget some Old Fashioned *ROMANCE* !
> 
> *10.*.....


SimplyA, can you tell me where you got this? Was it from a book? I was getting ready to start a new thread when I came acorss this one. I was going to present a similar question, that being--in the long run should you be more concerned with trying to make your spouse happy or meeting his/her needs?


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## SimplyAmorous

Sillyputty said:


> SimplyA, can you tell me where you got this? Was it from a book? I was getting ready to start a new thread when I came acorss this one. I was going to present a similar question, that being--in the long run should you be more concerned with trying to make your spouse happy or meeting his/her needs?


Where I got what exactly Silly Putty ? You mean that Picture #10. or just the 10 points.... I look for quotes on google images sometimes...... those points are just my own personal List. 

By all means, start your own thread !


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## BjornFree

Personally, I think happy times lose their value if you never get to go through some really sh!tty periods. Being "happily" married, ultimately, is more of a journey rather than a goal. So our formula is simple, its called "sticking it out". We've been through periods where we've been downright nasty to each other and there have been times when we simply couldn't get enough of each other.

Not gonna lie, we've not always been Francesca/Richard nor has our life been filled only with happiness. But looking back, getting through some of those dark periods only reinforced our bond.


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## Enchanted

BjornFree said:


> Personally, I think happy times lose their value if you never get to go through some really sh!tty periods. Being "happily" married, ultimately, is more of a journey rather than a goal. So our formula is simple, its called "sticking it out". We've been through periods where we've been downright nasty to each other and there have been times when we simply couldn't get enough of each other.
> 
> Not gonna lie, we've not always been Francesca/Richard nor has our life been filled only with happiness. But looking back, getting through some of those dark periods only reinforced our bond.


There were times when we were outright cruel to each other. We've become more mindful of each-others feelings.


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## Aunt Ava

Enchanted said:


> We both want to have more sex (in theory) but we tend to push it aside to watch TV.


May I suggest you have sex before watching tv? Really is a tv program more important than your marriage? I confess I have a few favorite shows...thank goodness for the DVR.


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## Wiltshireman

For my self (married 18+ years) its C's

Compatibility, Communication, Compromise, Consideration.

Try and put the "needs" of your partner / family above your "wants" and learn how to tell the differance.


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## Caribbean Man

Wiltshireman said:


> For my self (married 18+ years) its C's
> 
> Compatibility, Communication, Compromise, Consideration.
> 
> *Try and put the "needs" of your partner / family above your "wants" and learn how to tell the differance.*


^^^^^^^^^^^^
I really like this part.
A lot of times people mix up needs and wants.
A sense of entitlement then comes in,and resentment follows after.


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## Enchanted

Caribbean Man said:


> ^^^^^^^^^^^^
> I really like this part.


Me too but I'm not that good at it.


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## daisygirl 41

Hi everyone,
This thread is making me kinda sad. I wish TAM had been around when i first got married nearly 20 years ago!

Amp, Coffee, Caroline and Simply, i loved your posts.

H and i were young marrying, me 23 and him 21, we had a 6 month courtship. We loved each other and i had no doubt that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We have been through a lot. 
3 kids, 4 house moves, job losses, money worries, health issues and most recently my Hs infidelity. 

I have a LOT of regrets and we have both made some bad decisions in our marriage that chipped away at the love and respect we once had for each other.

At times our communication was terrible, both of us getting to hurt and sensitive over minor things, we were to co dependent, we ended up taking each other for granted. Our sex life was ok, but i know H wasn't satisfied but it was never at the top of my list, everything else became a priority. Our marriage moved to the bottom of the pile.

We are now 11 months into R after is A. I feel like we have had a huge wake up call and we BOTH now realize what we almost lost. We have been given a second chance. Its tough and there are days when i wonder if its all worth it, but when i feel like that i think about the days when i thought our marriage was over, and yes it is worth it.

We have both grown and are slowly but positively making changes in our marriage to ensure we last the distance. We are communicating well, although H still has trouble opening up, we are affectionate, loving and more sexual than we have been for years. I have been on a long journey, and a year of IC and a lot of reading is paying dividends. 

I think we are going to make it. I love my hubby and desire him more now than i have for a long time. Our marriage is top of the priority list now and its going to stay that way.

Despite everything we have been through i still feel "lucky" we found each other and we are both enjoying our "new marriage" immensely. 

So even though i dont feel overly qualified to give anyone marriage advice, please learn from our mistakes, make sure your marriage is your priority and ensure you are communicating with each other, not just talking, but listening, really listening to each other!

Sorry if ive gone off topic OP. Got a bit carried away! 

One thing i need to do is order HNHN. Thats next on the list!


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## Enchanted

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi everyone,
> This thread is making me kinda sad. I wish TAM had been around when i first got married nearly 20 years ago!
> 
> Amp, Coffee, Caroline and Simply, i loved your posts.
> 
> H and i were young marrying, me 23 and him 21, we had a 6 month courtship. We loved each other and i had no doubt that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We have been through a lot.
> 3 kids, 4 house moves, job losses, money worries, health issues and most recently my Hs infidelity.
> 
> I have a LOT of regrets and we have both made some bad decisions in our marriage that chipped away at the love and respect we once had for each other.
> 
> At times our communication was terrible, both of us getting to hurt and sensitive over minor things, we were to co dependent, we ended up taking each other for granted. Our sex life was ok, but i know H wasn't satisfied but it was never at the top of my list, everything else became a priority. Our marriage moved to the bottom of the pile.
> 
> We are now 11 months into R after is A. I feel like we have had a huge wake up call and we BOTH now realize what we almost lost. We have been given a second chance. Its tough and there are days when i wonder if its all worth it, but when i feel like that i think about the days when i thought our marriage was over, and yes it is worth it.
> 
> We have both grown and are slowly but positively making changes in our marriage to ensure we last the distance. We are communicating well, although H still has trouble opening up, we are affectionate, loving and more sexual than we have been for years. I have been on a long journey, and a year of IC and a lot of reading is paying dividends.
> 
> I think we are going to make it. I love my hubby and desire him more now than i have for a long time. Our marriage is top of the priority list now and its going to stay that way.
> 
> Despite everything we have been through i still feel "lucky" we found each other and we are both enjoying our "new marriage" immensely.
> 
> So even though i dont feel overly qualified to give anyone marriage advice, please learn from our mistakes, make sure your marriage is your priority and ensure you are communicating with each other, not just talking, but listening, really listening to each other!
> 
> Sorry if ive gone off topic OP. Got a bit carried away!
> 
> One thing i need to do is order HNHN. Thats next on the list!


Thank you for sharing your story. I've never seen a healthy marriage in real life only on TV. I'm trying to learn how to have one. Your story was helpful.


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## anotherguy

"I've never seen a healthy marriage in real life only on TV."

This makes me cringe.

TV isnt reality, and relationships are complicated - and sometimes messy. 'Healthy' isnt 'Leave it to Beaver' nor 'Jim and Pam' from 'The Office' or something lifted from a Greys Anatomy episode - but merely romantisized notions of what people hope for and what some writers cobble together for your entertainment.

Never look at that and think 'why cant my life be like that'?

....now of course.. 'Why must my life be a total dysfunctional melodramatic disaster' is a legitimate question, but lets not start comparing actual life with TV or what you read in a novel.

Yeah - I know you were just making a point... but I know far too many people that actually think this way. Yikes.


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## Enchanted

anotherguy said:


> "I've never seen a healthy marriage in real life only on TV."
> 
> This makes me cringe.
> 
> TV isnt reality, and relationships are complicated - and sometimes messy. 'Healthy' isnt 'Leave it to Beaver' nor 'Jim and Pam' from 'The Office' or something lifted from a Greys Anatomy episode - but merely romantisized notions of what people hope for and what some writers cobble together for your entertainment.
> 
> Never look at that and think 'why cant my life be like that'?
> 
> ....now of course.. 'Why must my life be a total dysfunctional melodramatic disaster' is a legitimate question, but lets not start comparing actual life with TV or what you read in a novel.
> 
> Yeah - I know you were just making a point... but I know far too many people that actually think this way. Yikes.


It's funny you mention Jim and Pam from the office. I would compare myself and my relationship to theirs. I think many women had crushes on Jim, he represented the ideal male.


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## Bellavista

Threetimesalady said:


> My biggest question to myself is why in the name of God do I keep posting here...Like I don't have a life??...Believe me, I do...


It's addictive. Plain & simple.


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## Enchanted

Threetimesalady said:


> This same story is where I have lived all my life...My husband has always had women who came on to him....You can see this by my second post under my marriage thread...I believe if you are mad about your spouse/partner that you too, can be everything in life that you desire...For me I became all the women that were after him...It was only after he told me of that woman in my post and I do recall her name being used, that I really stepped up to the plate...Here I was older than dirt and became all to him that any man could ever want in a woman...We women are who we feel inside...The man can only be what we give him...Movies are movies and life is life...To this day I will never understand how I made it through all those years without his having an affair....But, I do know that he is well rewarded for his honoring our marriage vows...Take care...Caroline
> 
> My biggest question to myself is why in the name of God do I keep posting here...Like I don't have a life??...Believe me, I do...


LOL. No worries. I spend waaaay too much time on the computer too.


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## Bellavista

Caroline, I would love to hear your thoughts on older married couples.


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## I Notice The Details

Coffee Amore said:


> Don't cheat on each other either emotionally or sexually.
> 
> Have an independent sense of self worth; don't look for your spouse to make you whole or fill a void in yourself.
> 
> Be able to laugh easily, don't take everything seriously. Having a good sense of humor will take you far in life.
> 
> Pick your battles; not every disagreement is worth getting mad about. You don't always have to be right or have the last word.
> 
> Don't let small issues grow into big problems. Nip problems in the bud before the issue gets bigger than both of you. If you're having problems talking about certain issues, don't avoid them. Over time those issues will become huge issues. Conflict avoidance is not a good strategy for marriage.
> 
> Learn to fight right without sarcasm, mockery, insults. Easier said than done, but a good skill to master.
> 
> You're a team. There's no "I" in team.
> 
> Be a good listener. Try to understand things from your spouse's point of view.
> 
> Be a good communicator. Don't assume your spouse knows what you want or can read your mind. Explain things clearly and with examples especially if you're talking to your husband. Remember that nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication so stop the eyeball rolling and other rude gestures.
> 
> Have a solid friendship with each other underlying your marriage.
> 
> Make room for fun each week. Married life isn't all about the bills, the kids, the housekeeping, your work obligations. Forget to have fun with each other and you'll soon find that your spouse has found someone else willing to have fun with him/her.
> 
> Make sure you both agree on money matters and your sex life which are two things that often drive a couple to divorce.


Coffee,

:iagree: That is excellent! Very well said! These are all true in my marriage of 16 years now.


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## WillPrez

Keep asking yourselves, What can we do to have a happy, loving atmosphere in our home? Learn to relax and keep positive, Think of love constantly, make every chance you get a loving one, Make time for the love, respect, trust and appreciate one another... I think that is the formulas for happy marriage.


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## Enchanted

Threetimesalady said:


> This has been a tough question to answer...I will start with the fact that when we were between 60 and 65 or so, I had three women in the course of those years and one man come up to me and ask me how we got to be the way we are....One woman even followed me into the restroom at a Mall...All were around our age and younger and all asked the same question..."What did you do to stay this way"...
> 
> My answer to all of them was I never made him think that he wasn't the love of my life...I loved him from day one and enjoyed his company and this part of us never changed...I believe the reason for their saying this was the continuous conversation that came with us...We were happy...We laughed...We held hands and we loved with our eyes...Whether we were talking about our next venture in life or any subject matter, we were at peace as well as in love with each other...I felt sorry for all of them....In particular one woman who had lost her husband to another woman....She left in tears...
> 
> My thoughts on other older married couples would be they have forgotten what got them here...Many are bored...I have found it easy to looking into their eyes and see this place they used to know and a new sadness...Many have parted...Many sit there bored watching people like they are waiting for the next act in life to happen...
> 
> It's funny as being as close as we are we are still two individuals with different hobbies and enjoyments....I mean we still watch DVD's, but our TV enjoyment is another story....I let him watch what he wants to watch...Old cowboy movies or whatever...I just rattle around on my computer and when the time comes we do our things and be who we are...There are no strings attached to us...We live with trust and love...
> 
> Out in our area where we live we do have some older married couples...However, most are retired and like us, live a busy life...Yet, what bothers me more than anything is the older men who no longer are married...They are the ones who seem lost....It seems like many have been left at this later age in life and this is not good...I say this because being older is rough enough, but being older and alone must be terrible...
> 
> Aging is and can be the toughest time in your life...All of the sudden you find that there are no more overs....You are now at the top of the Totem Pole and a new venture in life is soon ahead of you....Saying this, it's much easier to share these days with someone you love and trust, rather than try to tackle it by yourself...My best to all...Take care...Caroline


This was really lovely and touching. Thank you so much Caroline for sharing.

I'm 44 and my husband is 46 we are looking forward to growing older together. Although, I'm not that thrilled with the aging process; I am looking forward to the time when my husband doesn't work so many hours and can spend more time with me. Right now, we have common interests, going to gardens, hiking, doing projects around the home, watching HBO/SHO series etc. I never want to become someone who doesn't appreciate her husband. Because life can be really scary and I'm so happy to have somebody by my side.


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## Racer

I asked my Father this question once as I was struggling. (they celebrated their 50th anniversary last summer)...

His answer was pretty short; "We never stopped dating each other."

I’ve had a chance to reflect, and it’s true. On top of the routine marriage stuff, I’ve sort of always seen my parent’s relationship more like they were boyfriend/girlfriend when they were together than losing themselves in some other role. Sometimes they were even like dopamine riddled teenagers with stories of ‘getting caught by the Mexican police skinny dipping’ (and they were 50 back then)....


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## Bellavista

Keep posting, I am enjoying reading your musings.


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## denisefire

married for 25 years, widowed two years now. Now starting over in a meaningful relationship.

My success in a long term marriage was trust, communication, love, friendship, understanding. My marriage was far from being perfect . Which proves that marriage is no fairy tale, and is a lot of hard work. We started with a good base and and worked from there. We focused on each other completely, never straying or wanting anyone else but each other. Our marriage encountered some really tough hurtles that we could not overcome, but learned acceptance of somethings because of our love for each other. Even though my longtime partner had his demons i still loved him unconditionally. He loved me unconditionally, in fact he loved me with all his heart and never had me ever doubting that love. Hug and kisses everyday goes a long way, seeing it in their eyes and believing that i was the most beautiful women that walked this earth in his eyes. In sickness and health till death does us part i sadly had to experience was very hard. I had mixed feelings when my husband died, feelings of sadness because i lost my best friend , but relief also because he was in no more pain and a burden was lifted from me. My message is if you believe in your love for one another and really can relay that to each other it goes a long , long way. I have found love again, and i am still learning more skills in growing and nurturing a relationship, and that is what truly a successful marriage is .


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## I Notice The Details

Threetimesalady said:


> Actually when people asked me that question I was very confused...I wondered "What were we doing that made us look like a couple of fools?....Was it the way we held hands all the time?....Or did we talk too loud?...Or maybe the way he would sometimes kiss me, just a little peck, when we got up for a chair or into the car?"...These things bothered me...But, in time I accepted them as being part of who we are...
> 
> As far as the aging process, not to worry...It's funny when I (like you) was younger, I worried about growing old and both getting the aged look and ultimately the final curtain...Yet, now I realize that these thoughts never included the fact that we could have had accident or a sickness and could have been gone just like that...Now we find that the age doesn't bother us...Your thinking changes...Years ago I thought I would be scared of this final step in life and now we find that we are just having too much fun to worry.....People are who they allow themselves to be.....We make love and live for today and don't worry about tomorrow...I feel young and actually look good, because he makes me feel so young...He stays the same way, only age has been a bit harder on him...Don't let aging bother you...That should be the least of your worries......
> 
> I think we as women appreciate our spouse more as we age...We understand all the sacrifices they have made for us in our life...Love grows more precious...And to add to this the sexuality within us grows....I found as I aged that I grew not only with my knowledge of life, but my capacity to show my skills in making love with my husband...I found that I was finally able to bring all those secret thoughts within my mind front and center...It was only through learning myself and understandng this part of me as a woman, that I became the love of my husband's life....I wonder how many women know that the brain is their most important sexual organ...What starts there is what you do....
> 
> Now I have to join my husband in bed...I've been watching Mardi Gras for five days (via computer) and now it has ended.....My best to you.....Take care...Caroline



I love your words of wisdom and life! Keep posting. You are very inspiring!


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## Bellavista

I do recall, when I was much younger, in my 20's I did think that by the time a couple hit their 40's they probably didn't have sex anymore.
I have no idea why I thought this, perhaps given how I felt back then, it was wishful thinking..
Anyway, now both well into our 40's and it is probably more frequent and much better love making than we had in our early years.


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## Cee Paul

anotherguy said:


> "I've never seen a healthy marriage in real life only on TV."
> 
> This makes me cringe.
> 
> TV isnt reality, and relationships are complicated - and sometimes messy. 'Healthy' isnt 'Leave it to Beaver' nor 'Jim and Pam' from 'The Office' or something lifted from a Greys Anatomy episode - but merely romantisized notions of what people hope for and what some writers cobble together for your entertainment.
> 
> Never look at that and think 'why cant my life be like that'?
> 
> ....now of course.. 'Why must my life be a total dysfunctional melodramatic disaster' is a legitimate question, but lets not start comparing actual life with TV or what you read in a novel.
> 
> Yeah - I know you were just making a point... but I know far too many people that actually think this way. Yikes.


Yeah all those "cuddly" moments you see on tv only makeup about 10% of what an actual REAL marriage is all about, and the other 90% is all about hard work and stress.


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## anotherguy

Cee Paul said:


> ...the other 90% is all about hard work and stress.


Well, I dont know if I'd go so far as to say 'stress' is big part of the "90%", but I do believe conflict and stress tend to dominate peoples thinking and they fail to adequtely measure what might be 'good' about their relationship too. People get preoccupied with a problem to the point that it throws their perspective out of balance.

Armchair psycho-babble, I admit it.

Its like only giving negative feedback to a child when they do something wrong without ever praising them for what they actually do right. Always focusing or getting distracted by the challenges in a relationship can totally derail people from celebrating what is good about it. Do that long enough - and you start losing your ability to see anything good anymore. People compare all the detailed menutia of their own lives to the highlight reels they see in others and wish for better - and to me, it is often a mistake. Understand someone elses life in similar detail and you may not be so ready to wish your own life away.

Im not saying people dont have real problems - far from it. What I am saying is people can forget about what they have too.


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## naga75

Bellavista said:


> I have been spending a lot of time in retirement villages recently. Most couples in there have been married 40-60+ years.
> 
> What have I noticed? The wives speak, the husbands jump. I am finding it funny that in these elderly couples, in nearly all cases, the wives rule the roost.


this cracks me up


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## Mr Blunt

[What's the formula?

Build your wife a very nice bathroom only for her. No males allowed!!

She will love you forever!!


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## Cee Paul

Mr Blunt said:


> [What's the formula?
> 
> Build your wife a very nice bathroom only for her. No males allowed!!
> 
> She will love you forever!!


And SEPERATE sleeping rooms is now starting to be the trend. :smthumbup:


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## I got this

Never stop the hot pursuit and the rest will take care of itself. 

You must continue to court which is the opposite of taking everything for granted. 

Let go of pet peeves and pettiness quickly and often.

Dont allow a mismatched sex drive ruin the marriage it must meet in the center point or forget about it.


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## I Notice The Details

Mr Used To Know said:


> Never stop the hot pursuit and the rest will take care of itself.
> 
> You must continue to court which is the opposite of taking everything for granted.
> 
> Let go of pet peeves and pettiness quickly and often.
> 
> Dont allow a mismatched sex drive ruin the marriage it must meet in the center point or forget about it.


I agree here. Don't hold grudges. Don't argue and bring up old crap that happened in the past. It NEVER helps. If there is a mismatch in sex drive, try to understand, communicate, and give each spouse what they need.


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## Caribbean Man

Haven't seen the OP in quite a few days..
Enchanted ,
Is everything all right dear?


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