# Wife still concerned for lover after infidelity



## lovemyfmly (Jun 25, 2011)

I am just coming in terms with the shocks. I am married or 10 years now and few months back my wife was caught cheating .she was having internet affair with a single man.after caught she admitted the relationship was on for some time and she wanted me to give her a chance.I trusted her and accepted her.we had healthy discussions as what went wrong between us for which she took such steps. both of us agreed to stick on to our marriage as we both love each other. we agreed to shed the past and start all over again, decided to forget the 3rd person who came between us.few days back she took the call of the man who tried to reach her against our understanding.when asked she said she took call to make him explain it is all over.few days back she confessed she is concerned as how he is going through and she admitted searching for his profile in the internet.i am not comfortable and told her very clearly as what i feel.she told that there is no harm in such curiosity and she is just searching profile and dont have any intention to restart. i am worried whether i am over doing it now or is she right on her concerns and curiosities. her such activities are hurting me again. Please guide


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I guess I am retarded. What exactly is an internet affair?


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## lovemyfmly (Jun 25, 2011)

they both crossed all limits over the net


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't even know what that means. My wife talks to her female friends about intimate and raunchy things she's never admitted to me she even thinks about. What is that?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

She's wrong and you should be concerned. You should demand no contact and "no contact" means NO contact. She has no business being concerned about him. Tell her to start being concerned about YOU because if she continues this behavior she'll be looking for a new husband.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

BigToe said:


> She's wrong and you should be concerned. You should demand no contact and "no contact" means NO contact. She has no business being concerned about him. Tell her to start being concerned about YOU because if she continues this behavior she'll be looking for a new husband.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
I don't understand for that life of me why they do that. You say you want to work things out yet in still your more concern about the person you ruind my life with. WTH?.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't even know what that means. My wife talks to her female friends about intimate and raunchy things she's never admitted to me she even thinks about. What is that?


:scratchhead: Ahhh there is a huge difference. A female friend and a man she is exchanging sexually conversation and or pics as well as emotions with. Yes it's a affair. Not a PA but a affair just the same.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have a 3rd party in your mge------she needs to stop thinking about him COMPLETELY----no one needs to give a hoot about what he feels

Ask her would she rather have him support, and take care of her---or would she rather have her solid mge, him being a stranger who in reality she knows nothing about.

Stop being mr. nice guy


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The boundary is as follows. *NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER, NO INQUIRING AS TO ANYTHING CONCERNING THE OM EVER.* That's it. Personally when she said it doesn't hurt anything, I would have told her that she must not think I AM ANYTHING. I would make her pack her stuff and get out. This would surely enlighten her as to exactly how you feel regarding her and how she defines what ANYTHING is. Get up in her grill.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> The boundary is as follows. *NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER, NO INQUIRING AS TO ANYTHING CONCERNING THE OM EVER.* That's it. Personally when she said it doesn't hurt anything, I would have told her that she must not think I AM ANYTHING. I would make her pack her stuff and get out. This would surely enlighten her as to exactly how you feel regarding her and how she defines what ANYTHING is. Get up in her grill.


Yep. She has to know there are consequences otherwise why stop.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ask her how would she feel if the roles were reversed and you said to her the same things?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"No harm in such curiosity".

That's probably what she convinced herself of when she started the online A, and it got totally out of hand.

"No harm..." indeed.


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## reallyover? (Jun 21, 2011)

My wife did this BS for 8 months...violated the nc after 4 months. I plan to file for divorce tomorrow. Tragic Facebook flameout. No trust, no marriage.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

This is all part of the infidelity script. It's called fishing. It starts with a quick email or text, and yes, it could be innocent enough.

Her: hi. How are you? Just seeing how you are doing? I am concerned about you.
Him: I'm doing ok. As well as can be expected.
Her: explain?
Him: I miss our conversations.
Her: me too.
Him: I miss you!
Her: Me too! I miss yo so much!


And then they are off to the races again!

This is why there is to be NO contact! Ever. Again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

What everyone has told you above is correct but I will add, as a the cheating spouse in an internet based EA, that putting the emotions of the EA behind you are hard and not done over night. No Contact is No Contact and that's what she should stick to because your feelings should mean more to her than the feelings of her AP or the pain she is experiencing in the death of her affair. If she truly wants to reconcile she will stick to no contact but don't hold it against her if she struggles with it for a little while. 

I committed No Contact to my wife and broke it 3 times, some with my wife's consent and some not, but I was always completely honest and transparent with her. She was strong enough to believe that I was committed to our marriage and that I was really struggling through unraveling the affair in my mind. If she tells you the truth, all of the truth, try to help her out a little. 

Again, the advice you've received so far is all spot on. Just trying to give a little perspective from the wayward side in that it is hard unwinding yourself from the Affair. That doesn't earn the wayward spouse any sympathy, they earned their pain, but it doesn't change the fact that no matter how much they love their spouse and want to reconcile, there is a lot of pain for the WS too.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My WH has told me it has been very hard for him how he was forced to end the affair (NC, email, goodbye for ever, big mistake letter.)w OW.

He really wants reconciliation and is trying hard (but extremely slow coming to term over ownership .) I feel he still is hanging back more than is ok for me. I feel a lot of pressure from him wanting to know, if I will ever be able to love him the same again, and how hard it is for him as he has lost all around, family, friends, marriage, wife, and girlfriend! He feels we need to focus on his feeling more tooH. He feels he is the second half of this marriage and up to now it's been mostly about me and the shock and the betrayal.

I almost just want to tell him to talk with her.... which i know he wants to.

~sammy


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Abo****ely not. Lighten up for a time. Are you showing him any affection?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

8yearscheating, 

Nope, very little other than please, and thank you.

What do you suggest I do to lighten up ? 

~sammy


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sammy I would bet you're right that he does want to talk to her. That's where the desire to reconcile and dedication to you and your marriage SHOULD take priority and whatever pain he suffers by denying himself talking to her is just the price he has to pay. He has to pick, regardless of the pain he suffers and he has to OWN the fact that the pain is totally self inflicted. 

IMO taking full ownership and responsibility for the A is crucial to reconciliation. Without full ownership and accountability there is too much room for excuses and half truths. 

I wouldn't lessen my expectations of what he needs to do to reconcile. I just wouldn't hold it against him if he tells you it really hurts and that he's struggling with the NC. He is going through a form of withdrawal after all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It takes on average 2-5 years to personally recover from this severe betrayal. Don't ever let him rush your recovery. You have the right to heal on your own timeline. If he can't do the work for that long, then there is very little hope. He must still take full ownership, if not, its an IMPEDIMENT to your healing.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

sigma, 

"That's where the desire to reconcile and dedication to you and your marriage SHOULD take priority and whatever pain he suffers by denying himself talking to her is just the price he has to pay. He has to pick,regardless of the pain he suffers and he has to OWN the fact that the pain is totally self inflicted"

And he can only own up to a point, because he knows there is a very strong possibility I am not going to be able to move on with him over this. I feel like I just want to push him so he leaves me...

~sammy


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

How long have you been keeping up the 180?
Would you WANT to show him more affection than just saying 'please' and 'thank you'.

You need to listen to your own heart and make sure you don't rush your recovery, but there is also a place for 'hysterical' bonding. 

If you truly believe that despite his current suffering he is fully committed to the M, and is maintaining NC with the OW, then depending on what you are comfortable with, you may want to reach out to him a little, meet some of his love needs.
Just make sure that you won't be taken for granted, and then see how he responds.
You can always revert to a 180.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

Well, like everyone has said, you need to just go and tell her it's either no contact or no you. Yeah, she may not think there is nothing wrong with just inquiring but that is a line she is getting very close to crossing. She obviously has no self control as demonstrated by her actions, so she can't be trusted to approach the line that she has already crossed.
If she can't stop playing the game, she is making her decision about the marriage loud and clear. 

Infidelity Rage


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