# New here and need advise



## jnihar (Dec 28, 2007)

I am not sure where to start on this, but my husband has been talking excessivly with his ex girlfriend. I found out about a month ago when I just happened to look at our cell phone bill. I noticed he had been texting his ex girlfriend over 150 times a day. Also talking to her about twice a week during his lunch break. I went back and looked at past phone bills and found out it had been going on for several months. I confronted him and he lied. I tried getting copies of the text messages from the phone company but could not get them without a court order. So I lied to him and told him I got copies. He then told me things that they had been talking about. We have been married for over 7 years, and I just could not believe it. We do have our problems but we were supposed to be working them out. We went on a vacation together to mexico in October and I found that he texted her while we were there and called her the day we got back. I was so hurt! What a wasted trip that was. He says they joked around and talked about meeting but they never did, she said the same thing. But I just do not believe it. The really bad thing that I do not understand is they broke up because she cheated on him. How could he do that. We have been taking care of her daughter for some time now (she is not his she just has a dead beat dad). I just haven't been able to see her daughter since I found out and she is coming over tonight. I just do not think I can bare it. I know it isn't her fault, but she will make me think of her mother. 

We have started marriage counceling but the councelor doesn't want to talk about this "incident" so it isn't helping me at all. She thinks it would be non productive and we need to fix the root of the problems. I just want to find out why he gave up and never even tried to work on our marriange. I have a 2 year old and 5 yr old daughter is the only reason I am still around, I just do not know how to get myself to forgive and move on from this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The big question is do you want to save the marriage? If you do then you need to communicate better and have him lay out what he wants/needs and what you want and need. Then you can see IF you can say the marriage.

You mentioned the "root problem" What is the root problem?

draconis


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## jnihar (Dec 28, 2007)

We were not really spending any time together. We spent all of our energy on our kids and really didn't save any for each other. We both realized it about 7 months ago and I started working on fixing it but he didn't really help. Now he is trying, but now I feel betrayed. I try to hide that which is bad for me, but my therapist says I need to move on. I just don't know how to move on. All I think about is what they said to each other, and wonder what they did together. Everytime he touches me I worry that he is thinking about her and it makes me sick. I just don't know how to let it go. I know he is trying and is committed now, but is it to late? How do people get past this in marriage, it just consumes me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here is a good link for you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/389-infidelity-repair-thesis.html

you can add your comments to it as well.

draconis


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## 3plus3 (Nov 1, 2007)

If you want to save your marriage, you need to move on. If you don't get past this, then you can never work on fixing your relationship. It is a hard thing to do, indeed, but it is a choice you need to make.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

jnihar said:


> We were not really spending any time together. We spent all of our energy on our kids and really didn't save any for each other. We both realized it about 7 months ago and I started working on fixing it but he didn't really help. Now he is trying, but now I feel betrayed. I try to hide that which is bad for me, but my therapist says I need to move on. I just don't know how to move on. All I think about is what they said to each other, and wonder what they did together. Everytime he touches me I worry that he is thinking about her and it makes me sick. I just don't know how to let it go. I know he is trying and is committed now, but is it to late? How do people get past this in marriage, it just consumes me.


Its too easy to say "move on" without giving the tools to restore the hurt party's sense of control and self worth. Try sitting down with a peice of papaer and making a list of things you could do to make yourself feel restored, then go through the list and select those that are reasonable and legal.

When you narrow things down, start looking at how to accomplish each restorative action and choose what you are most comfortable with....write that first step on the calender and get to work. Don't askin your therapist or your husband for permission.  Restore your personal power.


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

If you have a religious background I would suggest you pray about it because I believe there are some hurt and pain that we cannot get over by ourselves, it takes a higher power. You will then need to forgive and use your baby as the focus at first to find reason to stay in the relationship. The relationship will then need to have meaning to you for to want to continue. I hope this helps.


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