# Hurt - Greiving



## later_gator (5 mo ago)

Hey all,

I just joined the community after being told by my wife that she wants a divorce. I attached my original post so you have some background.

I'm so hurt and have been grieving all week. It's been really hard and I just need to vent/cry/yell.



later_gator said:


> Hi there,
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married 5, and have 2 kids under 4.
> 
> ...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think your lucky she wants divorce it is the 2 children that you now have to look out for


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## later_gator (5 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think your lucky she wants divorce it is the 2 children that you now have to look out for


That's the way I'm trying to see it. I'm just really hurt because I gave it my all, and ultimately I feel like a failure. All I ever wanted was to make this woman happy, and I just feel like I wasnt good enough.

It sucks, because I come from a divorced family, and that was the last thing I wanted for my kids. I just remember my childhood, and now I feel like even more of a failure. I know, pity party over here, but just coming to terms with things.


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## jppaul5280 (5 mo ago)

my wife just told me she wants a divorce. I have no advice or words of encouragement other than you're not alone


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

later_gator said:


> All I ever wanted was to make this woman happy, and I just feel like I wasnt good enough.


This isn't on you. You have to understand that YOU have no control over her mental issues. If she has undiagnosed issues, even worse. You can't control that -- and has NOTHING to do with you not being good enough.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are not a failure. You have enabled this woman for far too long. Her leaving is a blessing in disguise. Document everything you paid for & make sure that the court imputes income to her given all of the degrees you paid for so that you don't end up paying rehabilitative alimony.


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## later_gator (5 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> This isn't on you. You have to understand that YOU have no control over her mental issues. If she has undiagnosed issues, even worse. You can't control that -- and has NOTHING to do with you not being good enough.


Thank you. I know you are right, but I still feel it. It's crazy because even my MIL called me to express how sorry she was here daughter is acting like this and thanks me for everything I have done for her daughter. 

I just have to keep reminding myself that I am good enough and it's her loss. It's just hard to do with all the pain right now.


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## later_gator (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You are not a failure. You have enabled this woman for far too long. Her leaving is a blessing in disguise. Document everything you paid for & make sure that the court imputes income to her given all of the degrees you paid for so that you don't end up paying rehabilitative alimony.


I'm actually kinda afraid of this process. I don't want loose everything I worked hard for. Personally, I would be happy if she just left, but knowing my wife this is probably going to be a battle.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

later_gator said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I just joined the community after being told by my wife that she wants a divorce. I attached my original post so you have some background.
> 
> I'm so hurt and have been grieving all week. It's been really hard and I just need to vent/cry/yell.


I'm very sorry for your pain LG. Been there done that. Looks like there isn't anything you can do but divorce at this point.

Knowing this isn't what you wanted, you'll need to prepare yourself still. Document all of her behavior, with dates, times and as much detail as you can of her behavior and her physical abuse towards you. Document her inattention to the kids, the house, and highlight how if you didn't take care of things your kids wouldn't have anything fixed for them to eat. Give this to your attorney. 

I'm sure you told your attorney about her mental issues, but your attorney needs to know all details Because your kids should NOT be given over to her for custody.

It's time to stand up, brush yourself off, and let the pain fade away. I always say this with disagreement, but it's time to start getting angry. Not outward and in full view of her, but on the inside. When I did that I was able to make sure my attorney didn't pull punches. If you want your kids to have a somewhat normal upbringing, it will NOT happen if she gets custody.

What was your plan before this posting? Also, you are not the failure here.


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## later_gator (5 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> I'm very sorry for your pain LG. Been there done that. Looks like there isn't anything you can do but divorce at this point.
> 
> Knowing this isn't what you wanted, you'll need to prepare yourself still. Document all of her behavior, with dates, times and as much detail as you can of her behavior and her physical abuse towards you. Document her inattention to the kids, the house, and highlight how if you didn't take care of things your kids wouldn't have anything fixed for them to eat. Give this to your attorney.
> 
> ...


The plan is to discuss all of this in our couples session tonight to see where we go. I have reached out to a couple of lawyers in the area (we moved states when she decided to come back).

Honestly, I have no clue. But, after tonight will know for sure if I need to lock down a lawyer.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You may want to talk with a lawyer regardless how the counseling goes, just for YOUR benefit. It will give you information on what to expect -- finances, child custody/support, housing, etc.. Should take some of the unknown away from all this and give you a way to formulate a couple of different plans depending on how things go...


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

jppaul5280 said:


> my wife just told me she wants a divorce. I have no advice or words of encouragement other than you're not alone


Same


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

later_gator said:


> The plan is to discuss all of this in our couples session tonight to see where we go. I have reached out to a couple of lawyers in the area (we moved states when she decided to come back).
> 
> Honestly, I have no clue. But, after tonight will know for sure if I need to lock down a lawyer.


I'm guessing with her mental issues and violent tendencies that couples counseling is going to do absolutely nothing.

She is still who she is. I think you need to prepare to get an attorney and go for custody.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

How many marriages end after bariatric surgery?


*Eighty to 85 percent* of patients who were suffering from obesity before or at the time of their marriage, will divorce within two years after their weight-loss surgery, according to BariatricTV. Similar research has been found by the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Florida.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

later_gator said:


> That's the way I'm trying to see it. I'm just really hurt because I gave it my all, and ultimately I feel like a failure. All I ever wanted was to make this woman happy, and I just feel like I wasnt good enough.
> 
> It sucks, because I come from a divorced family, and that was the last thing I wanted for my kids. I just remember my childhood, and now I feel like even more of a failure. I know, pity party over here, but just coming to terms with things.


Some tough love here but I think after you get an attorney and protect your assets, property and connection with your kids as much as possible - then your next step needs to be to do some serious soul-searching and even individual therapy for yourself to determine why you think that an obese, mentally ill, lazy do-nuth’n that doesn’t want to be with you, won’t have sex with you, that wants to screw other men and who most likely has been cheating on you and that has used you for educational degrees that she refuses to put to use is the least bit worthy of your time, attention and consideration at all let alone love. 

If you throw a rock into a crowd, you stand a better chance of it hitting a better woman than what she could ever be. In fact, considering her resume above, it’s probably hard to find worse. 

This is a self esteem issue on your part. There is something inside you that makes you feel this is all you can get and that you should be holding on to her and trying to appease her.

But nothing is further from the truth. You should be tossing her out into the street and throwing all her stuff out the door after her.


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## later_gator (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Some tough love here but I think after you get an attorney and protect your assets, property and connection with your kids as much as possible - then your next step needs to be to do some serious soul-searching and even individual therapy for yourself to determine why you think that an obese, mentally ill, lazy do-nuth’n that doesn’t want to be with you, won’t have sex with you, that wants to screw other men and who most likely has been cheating on you and that has used you for educational degrees that she refuses to put to use is the least bit worthy of your time, attention and consideration at all let alone love.
> 
> If you throw a rock into a crowd, you stand a better chance of it hitting a better woman than what she could ever be. In fact, considering her resume above, it’s probably hard to find worse.
> 
> ...


I agree with you for the most part, but honestly she was not like this until we started having kids, otherwise I wouldn't have married her. She use to contribute and do her part, but once or first soon came everything drastically changed. 

I figured it was depression and took her to see a therapist. She was diagnosed and placed on medicine, but it didn't really help.

It's been just under 4 years of this and I have told her repeatedly that I'm fed up with how she's been acting. That if I'm going to be acting like a single parent then I may as well be one. Her improvement was minimal, but the couples therapist let me know that she suspects something else is wrong with my wife and I need to be understanding and give her time.

So, I accepted what I was told and tried to support my wife the best I can. You can only bring a horse to water.

I wish I had my partner back that I originally married. We were doing great in all areas of our life, but I guess all good things come to an end.

As for me feeling like a failure, I do need to get over that feeling and realize I've done everything I could possibly do (in my own mind). It sucks, because I used to have a person who matched my drive in life, and I wanted that back so bad that I sacrificed my own emotional and respect boundaries. I really wanted to see my wife become rehabilitated and be the person she was.

I guess I feel like a failure because I sacrificed so much of me, and it didn't yield the outcome I wanted. 

So yeah, I feel like a failure due to the marriage, but mostly for what I have allowed myself to endure.


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