# Think he was he lying?



## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Hi All,

New here and have a situation. Met a guy at a social group about a year ago. Group got together about 1x/month. About 5th month I started talking more to (lets call him Steve). I mentioned I was going to another country to meet a guy I had been talking to online everyday for 7 months. Steve is from the same country and gave me names and numbers of people there as he was concerned for me. He also showed me pics on his computer (group meets at his house) of the country as he had just been there. Pics of a woman started coming up and he started trying to flip past them very quickly then shut program down abruptly. I asked who the woman was. He said his gf who also lives in another country. I said "Oh so you have a long-distance thing too? How long now?" He said "2 years” 

When I got back from my trip Steve emailed the day after and asked if I needed an ear to talk and asked to meet for a drink. I was a little caught off guard but just figured he's from the country and was just being a friend. I told him I found out 1/2 way thru my trip guy in other country reunited with ex-gf a month before I got there and I was quite upset bcuz we fell asleep on Skype almost every night and always said there was no one in his life. A few days later Steve emailed me again and asked if I wanted to join him for a dinner party... could use a buddy (NOTE: Steve had just started a divorce from wife but both had agreed to seeing other people for years now). I left a sweater at Steve's and asked to pick it up a few nights later. He asked if I wanted to also go out for dinner. I agreed and thanked him the next day in email (he paid). He responded he needed an “uninvolved buddie (dinner, movies, music...)” and asked if he could call on me sometimes. I was a little taken aback and not sure what he meant. He emailed again: “Sorry if my last email sounded business-like.... I was rushing when wrote it.. never a good thing”. I still wasn't sure what he meant but responded I would love to chum around with him and figured if he made a move I would just remind him of gf and ask about the situation. We continued to get together about 2xs/week and see each other in the social group. One night he mentioned his roommate was single and had another friend which confirmed to me he wasn't interested. 

He asked me to go to a club we both frequent one night. When he got there he said to me he wished we had stayed in and watched a movie at his place. I was quite taken aback and started wondering again if he was interested in being more than friends. Another social meeting at his house and after everyone left he asked if I wanted to watch a documentary about something we're both very interested in. He sat very close to me on the couch. I almost told him I was developing feelings but was still too shy and embarrassed in case I was way off that he was interested. He offered the spare bedroom as it was very late and I live quite far. I accepted. He works from home and made a really nice breakfast the next morning. 

Two months into hanging out the social group had a special event one night. After the event he offered the spare bedroom again as it was very late. I accepted again. As he was saying goodnight he gave me what felt like a more-than-friends kiss goodnight. I stopped him and said “I have to say something. I'm starting to develop feelings for you”. He started rubbing me all over even under my shirt in back and said “I know... me too. But I have a gf and I dont want to take advantage of you. I know you're vulnerable right now. But if I thought you could handle it because I can.” I had no resistance. I know it sounds awful and I've never been in a situation like that. I asked if I could just sleep next to him and would remain clothed. He said ok. But 2 months of sexual tension got the better of me and we ended up having sex hours later.

The next morning he told me all about his gf (they'd been involved 6 yrs altogether.. he lived with her for 2.. they're planning a future and she would be here in a month for 3 weeks). I was devistated. I asked what he had meant by “uninvolved buddie”... did it mean 1) I wasnt involved with anyone... 2)we wouldnt get romantically involved.. or 3) **** buddy. He immediately responded “the latter”. I told him I didnt think thats what he had meant. I asked him how he would feel if he gf was carrying on the same with a guy. He said he'd be pissed but “its harder for a guy” in a whiny voice. I showed disdain and told him I found that very chauvinistic. As I was leaving he asked if he could see me again the coming week. I said “I'm not sure about that” and left with a sour expression.

He called and emailed me a few times that week. I ignored him. Fri night he left a very sad/somber message asking to get together for dinner. I accepted in order to talk about what happened. When we met for dinner and 1st thing he said: “Look I'm not a good candidate for you.. I'm not even divorced yet and have a gf and it would be really hard to extricate myself from as she runs ½ my business... and I kinda love her”. After a pause I asked “So who knows?” He said “Yeah.. who knows??!?!” I asked again and he answered same. I figured he thought I was making a general statement about the future and I said “No, I mean does your wife know we slept together or anyone else in the group?” He said “No” He asked me to go to a club after dinner. I said no. He begged me and I finally caved. On the way there I started getting really sad. He held my hand the whole way and tried to make jokes. When we got to the club I told him I wanted to leave and would call a friend in town over for a ride. He insisted he take me home. I noticed my phone was dead and dont know my friend's # and its not listed and cabbie had said ride would be $150.00. We drove back to his place. In the driveway we talked more and he carressed my hand and it was very clear we both still wanted to be close. He said after a while “Well you know the situation... what do you want to do” I ended up spending the night again.

I left the next morning even more soured than the last time and told myself it was over. He sent an email to the whole group a few days later he would be travelling for work for next 3 weeks so no group stuff til he got back (he travels A LOT for work). He contacted me when he got back and we started arguing on the phone (just days before gf due to arrive). He asked to meet for dinner to hash out. He sat on my side of the table at first until he realized I was not warm toward him. I mentioned something about a guy I had been interested in about a year ago he knew but hadn't understood his intentions. He smuggly responded “Its hard to know what a guy's intentions are isnt' it?” I glared at him and said “Yes it can be” and added “You should have never initiated anything with me” He said immediately “You made the first move” I said “No you did by having ever asked me out to begin with. You shouldnt be cavorting around with another woman when youre in a serious relationship!”. We glared at each other with anger and sadness for 5 minutes until other customers started to notice. He stared at the table for a couple minutes looking very sad and said “I get mad at you too sometimes” “Me?? For what???” I said. He responded, “Most relationships start off slow but ours skyrocketed and its' like you want a commitment right away or else you put up a wall!” The hell? I felt my head spin and said “I never asked for a commitment! I have a wall up because you're in a serious relationship with someone else. You told me yourself you would have a wall in my shoes!!” We glared some more and I finally said "Lets go”. We got outside and it was raining. Even though we were both angry at each other you could tell we still wanted to be close :roll eyes: We got in his car to talk more and he started caressed my hands and said a few minutes later “Wow.. we're holding hands again.” I said “Yeah I noticed”. He said “I never planned to fall in love with two people... it could be a good thing with you or her.. things between she and I didnt feel right last 2 times I saw her... you and I have more in common in some ways... I have to sort things out with her. He then asked me to meet her! I kept telling him no. As I was getting out of the car he said “I think about you a lot”.

I woke up nauseous every night she was here. After she left he sent email to entire group asking about an upcoming event. I responded just to him “Depends.. are you and your gf still an item?” He didnt respond for 3 days and said they reconnected and planned to reconnect later that year again. I responded to whole group email “I will not be continuing with the group.. it was great getting to know you all however”. He asked if I sent it to embarrass him and asked me to at least make up an excuse why I was quitting and begged me not to. I replied “Why dont you tell them?” 

The past 5 months lots of arguing on the phone, in person, and email. He's begged me not to leave the group but I told him I felt he misled me and came onto me knowing I was vulnerable. He responded in email he never misled me but had to backpedal because I came on so strong and moody and frightened him off particularly the night he started answering my questions about his situation and I just got more and more into myself with pointed questions all seeming to try to pin him down and I was very intimidating. He also said: How to win a guy? Show some real interest in them, empathize with where they are, and then BACK OFF. What did you think? I would just drop everything and suddenly change channels? And the long silences in the car and wanting to leave the club freaked him out and it all ruined any thoughts he had had about a serious relationship with me. I said “It wouldnt have acted that way had you not just informed me there was absolutely no possibility for a serious relationship!"

- Do you think he was sincere that he had had thought about a serious relationship with me?

- Do you think my reaction really was “over the stop” and would have made anyone feel the way he did?


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## sickinthemind (Aug 10, 2011)

He's an inconsiterate jerk. He would probably was sincere about having a relationship with you. If that helps you feel better that's great, but DO NOT BE WITH HIM. He will not treat you right. And no, that was not "over the top."


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

sickinthemind said:


> He's an inconsiterate jerk. He would probably was sincere about having a relationship with you. If that helps you feel better that's great, but DO NOT BE WITH HIM. He will not treat you right. And no, that was not "over the top."


Are you saying you think he did think about a serious relationship with me? But if so, why wasn't he more empathetic to my reaction when he said no chance of that happening?


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Anyone else think he was lying when he said I ruined any thoughts he had about a serious relationship because I got upset and wanted to leave a club without him after implying there was no chance for one???


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You MUST know he's playing you, right? He has no intentions of leaving hig gf, and is in fact using you as a fk buddy while his gf is not there. He's also playing you by making you feel like your questioning your own thoughts by the way he's interacting with you. A little close, then he pushes you, then brings you back in again. This is classic player interaction.

So, what are your plans? Are you going to persist with this, realizing that he will never give you the relationship you want? There may be times, like right now, when you think it may evolve into something more...but in the long term, he will continue this push and pull on your emotions and you will never get that fulfillment. Ever.

up to you. But, there are literally thousands of great men out there for you....so you don't really need a player. Find one that has his sh$t together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I wasn't sure what he really wanted when we first started hanging out. Almost every friend I mentioned the situation to said "what's an unvinvolved buddie?" 

When I did realize what he really had wanted all along I went to tell him off and he made those very strong sentiments ("I didnt plan to fall in love with two ppl"....). I have to say it thru me for a big loop and I thought for a while he was sincere and really did have feelings for me and I ruined it as he suggested. THEN very recently he said he is going to sell his business and has to make a decsion about her eventually. It sucked me in a bit again to think (again) things with her are on shaky ground. But I'm tired of all the guesswork anyway and am going to move on.

Weird but when I first met him we somehow talked about some of the prior jerks I had dated. He responded "Why dont you just say no to the A-holes? I told him I didnt know they were A-holes early on.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You can't be serious about worrying about whether he was lying? The man is married and has a gf. Doesn't matter why he isn't divorced. He is still a married man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

He is in the process of divorce and he and the wife have both had other relationships for several years now... she also lives with the boyfriend.

I dont have a problem at all with his wife.. we actually get along really well including her bf. We all had dinner together one night and it went really well. They stayed married the past several years for financial reasons (ie, til the biz he started got off the ground which the wife helped build bcuz she had started a biz on her on while married and ended up losing them $500,000 which was their retirement money).

The gf has only ever been the issue for me.... but his recent comment indicates he needs to make a decision about her soon.

My issues right now are if he was lying that he ever thought seriously about me... and I ruined any future potential because of how I acted the night he informed me again there could never be a serious relationship between us.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hope you have come to your senses about this man. He's not divorced, has a gf, and is effing you.

Wow. Winner.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I haven't slept with him for almost a year now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So what's in this for you? Find an emotionally available man.

You are worth it.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The dude is a player. Bottom line. Every one of his lines was just to get you.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> The dude is a player. Bottom line. Every one of his lines was just to get you.


The strongest "lines" he used though were just a few days before his gf visited. But he refused to sleep with me that night even though it was clear he wanted to... he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and hasn't slept with me since (about a year). I had even came onto him really strong a few times after that but he refused and one night even ended up carrying me outside to my car.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, to get to the heart of your question, he wasn't lying. Because he had no intention of ever having a serious relationship with you. So....those were just lines. Lines of a player.

Think about it. If he was serious about you....then why nothing for an entire year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Well, to get to the heart of your question, he wasn't lying. Because he had no intention of ever having a serious relationship with you. So....those were just lines. Lines of a player.
> 
> Think about it. If he was serious about you....then why nothing for an entire year?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He stopped being intimate with me because he knew I couldnt handle it (ie, I was developing feelings but it would not be able to go anywhere serious and he knew I wanted more). Also, I had threatened to contact her one night when I was angry and tell her what was going on (and I did find her email address online)... which would have led to his business collapsing. He begged me on he knees that night not to ruin his life.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

That's my point. Why even bother with this. You want more. He doesn't. His actions are speaking louder than words. You will always want more. He will never give that to you. It doesn't matter what was said in the heat of any moment.

Time to move on. You should find someone that is willing to give you want you want in a relationship. There are plenty of opportunities for you out there. Don't get hung up on this one. It's already toxic for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

No, he wasn't lying. He said he had a girlfriend. You slept with him anyway... that is what YOU own.

Doesn't matter what he thinks or say or decides. Besides, it was a year ago.... its a non-issue now. He doesn't want you, he did not reject his girlfriend. It's a non-relationship. Move on.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> No, he wasn't lying. He said he had a girlfriend. You slept with him anyway... that is what YOU own.
> 
> Doesn't matter what he thinks or say or decides. Besides, it was a year ago.... its a non-issue now. He doesn't want you, he did not reject his girlfriend. It's a non-relationship. Move on.


My questions about whether or not he was lying were:

- Do you think he was sincere that he had had thought about a serious relationship with me?

- Do you think my reaction really was “over the stop” and would have made anyone feel the way he did? 


As far as the girlfriend..... he may be rejecting her now.


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## siarar (Aug 27, 2011)

I think you are trying to convince yourself he's a good guy, and with all the responses you've got I don't think you are going to get what you want to hear.


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## jsgrl925ws (Aug 27, 2011)

Okay he's obviously an ass and once you get over him you'll be so embarrassed about even being with him and secondly, for future reference, a good general rule is that if you feel like he's lying - HE IS.


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