# GF's baby daddy problems



## franklinfx

OK so Ive been in a committed relationship with my GF for about 5 months. Ive know her and her family for about 10 years so I knew a little about her past before we started dating. I new that she had a 4yo and was on/off with the father most of the childs life. When we 1st started dating I was very inquisitive about the status of their relationship. I asked how long since they were apart, if she ever planned to go back to him ever and if she had any leftover feelings for him. she said they hadnt been together for at least 6months, had no plans to go back to him, and said she really only stayed with him for the kids sake. I was sceptical but she was very direct, and I took her at her word. Our relationship took off and we started spending alot of time together. 

I dont think Ive ever had chemistry like ive had with her I adore her daughter and we all do cool stuff togther all the time. she also expressed deep feelings for me and we agreed to be in a committed relationship together but I once again made it clear that theyre must be boundaries with the BD. She agreed and everything was fine until easter when she told me that she asked he BD for a ride to her grandmother house (she doesnt currently drive) since he was already there visting the daughter. I wasnt happy about it but I didnt say anything, then a week later she told me she got another ride home from work, from him since they work close by each other. I told her I wasnt comfortable with that, she seemed surprised but she said it wouldnt happen again. I also told her I wasnt comfortable with him just showing up at her house or work unannounced to talk to her or visit their daughter. 

He didnt even wanna know the child for the 1st year she was alive and walked out on them several times she says he never even bought daipers for her and only pays CS when he feels like it, so he only has bi weekly visitation. she said she would tell him hes only to come by when hes suppose to and to call if he has to talk to her. 

That was about 2 months ago and everything has been ok since, but yesterday was her daughters preK graduation and the way she was interacting with him made me really uncomfortable. she wanted him to sit with us which I really didnt have a problem with, although he refused, but just the way she was leaning into him while they where taking pics, she took pics of him and her daughter, his family(why does she want those?) she had him take pics of me& her(awkward!!!) then they shared a cigarette outside after (i dont smoke) she seemed to be flirting with him saying stuff like "i like the way you think" and " look at our beautiful daughter" she even invited him to B-fast with us but again he refused. I felt so disrespected and hurt but I bit my lip. 

When we drove to the diner she went right back to being my GF though, saying stuff like "someday maybe well be watching our child graduate" and "you looked so handsome" she had my head spinning but I still stayed cool cause i didnt wanna ruin the occasion. I couldnt eat at Bfast and I guess she sensed something was wrong. she kept asking whats wrong, so I finally told her nicely I wasnt comfortable with the way she was acting around him. She said "I guess I cant do anything right" and the day was now ruined and that I need ed to be more understanding that she has a daughter with him >I said I can handle that she needs to interact w/ him on a certain level, even being friendly is OK but I dont see how all that stuff she says and does is necessary. what happen to boundaries? why didnt she do this stuff when we met? I would never do that to her.

Anyway I said I didnt wanna upset her anymore so I kissed her and her daughter goodbye and left. I havent talked to her since yesterday. I dont know what to do. Should I call her or let her be? I love her very much, she says she loves me and weve talked about moving in together and even children someday but I feel like deep down she still has feelings for him, even though she says she doesnt. Im hurting real bad right now and Im very confused .


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## Acorn

I get that this guy is always going to be in her life in some fashion but some of this stuff just seems weird, especially the pictures part - almost like she is hedging her bets or something. I'm also thinking, based on her ignoring your boundaries, that she doesn't really understand how this is affecting you (or she doesn't really care).

I would talk to her and explain how it feels from your side of things. I imagine ultimately it will come down to whether or not this is something you want to live with long term.


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## franklinfx

Thanks for the reply, Yes its very weird and contradictory behaviour to me. She said the pics of him were for a scrapbook she wants to make the kid. I mean I can be understanding to a point but its just too much to ignore. Ive asked her several times if she has any feelings for him left and shes always said no even gets annoyed I ask, but her behaviour tells a different story. Ugghh I hate feeling jealous!


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## Acorn

You are only 5 months into this relationship. In a way, it is a blessing that you get to make a decision on something like this without a whole lot invested.


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## franklinfx

Seems like alot though


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## Sporto

Dude,

Get out! Why do you want to be treated like this with a women who has a child with another man? This will not get better, in fact it will only get worse. Get out know will you still can.


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## KathyBatesel

franklinfx said:


> She said "I guess I cant do anything right" and the day was now ruined and that I need ed to be more understanding that she has a daughter with him


I think your alarm bells are going off with good reason. And her response should raise an even bigger alarm about her character. 

Instead of cooperating with your very reasonable boundaries, she's repeatedly showing you that she will ignore them. 

If I was in your shoes, I'd tell her that if I saw even one more reason to think she's flirting with him, I'd leave. And then I'd leave when she did it. She knows where to draw the line, and she's using copouts and blame to avoid responsibility. Either she'd start getting responsible or I'd be getting out.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Apparently, I am (again) the only one with a dissenting opinion, but I'm going to give it to you anyway!

YOU seem to be VERY YOUNG! YOU seem to have a jealousy problem.

1.)


> she asked her BD for a ride to her grandmother house (she doesnt currently drive) since he was already there visting the daughter


 What exactly is SO AWFUL about this? I'm not getting it! She asked him to take her to her grandmother's house, NOT out for dinner and drinks! And, BTW, she's not "the daughter", she's HIS daughter, she's THEIR daughter.

2.)


> then a week later she told me she got another ride home from work, from him since they work close by each other


 OMG, it's a RIDE HOME, not a screw-job in the back seat! It's not even like he had to drive out of his way to do her a favor...they work right near each other. Again, I don't see the BIG PROBLEM here! She's TELLING YOU about these occasions, so SHE obviously feels she has NOTHING TO HIDE.

3.)


> she took pics of him and her daughter, his family(why does she want those?) she had him take pics of me& her(awkward!!!)


 WRONG! She took pics of him and HIS DAUGHTER. She took pics of her daughter's paternal relatives (grandparents? aunts/uncles?) WTF?!? What nerve she has taking pics of ther daughter's relatives at her daughter's graduation? Who ever HEARD of such a thing??? She asked her BD to take pics of YOU (her significant other) and her daughter. 

When taken apart, can you SEE how ridiculous, petty, and childish your complaints seem to be? What is YOUR problem? It seems like the BD has been very civil to his ex-GF (BM), very respectful of YOUR relationship with his BM, and very accepting of YOUR relationship with HIS daughter. YOU are the one who seems to have a problem with the fact that your GF's BD is still involved in their child's life!

I think YOU need to MOVE ON. You obviously do NOT TRUST your GF (I believe without cause.) I think YOU need to date women who either have NO CHILDREN or women whose BDs are deadbeat dads who are totally uninvolved in their childrens' lives. You seem to find ANY communication (however benign or civil) between estranged parents to be a threat to your relationship.


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## franklinfx

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Apparently, I am (again) the only one with a dissenting opinion, but I'm going to give it to you anyway!
> 
> YOU seem to be VERY YOUNG! YOU seem to have a jealousy problem.
> 
> 1.) What exactly is SO AWFUL about this? I'm not getting it! She asked him to take her to her grandmother's house, NOT out for dinner and drinks! And, BTW, she's not "the daughter", she's HIS daughter, she's THEIR daughter.
> 
> 2.) OMG, it's a RIDE HOME, not a screw-job in the back seat! It's not even like he had to drive out of his way to do her a favor...they work right near each other. Again, I don't see the BIG PROBLEM here! She's TELLING YOU about these occasions, so SHE obviously feels she has NOTHING TO HIDE.
> 
> 3.) WRONG! She took pics of him and HIS DAUGHTER. She took pics of her daughter's paternal relatives (grandparents? aunts/uncles?) WTF?!? What nerve she has taking pics of ther daughter's relatives at her daughter's graduation? Who ever HEARD of such a thing??? She asked her BD to take pics of YOU (her significant other) and her daughter.
> 
> When taken apart, can you SEE how ridiculous, petty, and childish your complaints seem to be? What is YOUR problem? It seems like the BD has been very civil to his ex-GF (BM), very respectful of YOUR relationship with his BM, and very accepting of YOUR relationship with HIS daughter. YOU are the one who seems to have a problem with the fact that your GF's BD is still involved in their child's life!
> 
> I think YOU need to MOVE ON. You obviously do NOT TRUST your GF (I believe without cause.) I think YOU need to date women who either have NO CHILDREN or women whose BDs are deadbeat dads who are totally uninvolved in their childrens' lives. You seem to find ANY communication (however benign or civil) between estranged parents to be a threat to your relationship.


I do appreciate your opinion thats basically her point of view as well. I really dont have a problem with her BD hes seems to respect boundaries, its her ambiguous flirting and going out of her way to include him in her daughters life when he obviously doesnt even care that much. I mean comon sharing a ciggarette with your ex in front of you BF thats tacky and inappropriate. I never expected her to be nasty but why take it to that level if youre not interested in that person ,especially for a guy who made such little effort to be a father. Oh and no one ive asked said they think its appropriate to ride in cars with your ex if youre in a relationship.

I do agree though that i should have continued to bite my tongue but she kept asking whats wrong. 

BTW Im 40 lol


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## KathyBatesel

I completely agree with you, Franklin. You've observed how she flirts (because she did it with you at some point) and how she acts around friends when she isn't flirting. You're not off your rocker if you're seeing more intimacy-oriented behaviors with this ONE person than she shows with her other friends. 

I don't know that the cigarette or any single instance you shared is all that big a deal by itself. But taken together, they're a very big deal.


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## Acorn

Franklin, my advice would be to trust your gut. If you have a history of being insecure in relationships, or are not used to this kind of relationship, maybe SlowlyGettingWiser might have a point. I just think that she would be working harder to make you feel comfortable rather than feeding your insecurity and continuing behavior that goes against boundaries you've requested.


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## franklinfx

Thanks everyone


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## KanDo

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Apparently, I am (again) the only one with a dissenting opinion, but I'm going to give it to you anyway!
> 
> YOU seem to be VERY YOUNG! YOU seem to have a jealousy problem.
> 
> *Have to disagree here, You don't have a jealousy problem, she has a boundary problem. *
> 
> 1.) What exactly is SO AWFUL about this? I'm not getting it! She asked him to take her to her grandmother's house, NOT out for dinner and drinks! And, BTW, she's not "the daughter", she's HIS daughter, she's THEIR daughter.
> 
> *Ex's are Ex's for a reason. Particularly in this circumstance where there has been an off again on again relationship, contact should <in my opinion, only be related to parenting functions. Period*
> 
> 2.) OMG, it's a RIDE HOME, not a screw-job in the back seat! It's not even like he had to drive out of his way to do her a favor...they work right near each other. Again, I don't see the BIG PROBLEM here! She's TELLING YOU about these occasions, so SHE obviously feels she has NOTHING TO HIDE.
> *Ex's are Ex's for a reason. Particularly in this circumstance where there has been an off again on again relationship, contact should <in my opinion, only be related to parenting functions. Period*
> 
> 3.) WRONG! She took pics of him and HIS DAUGHTER. She took pics of her daughter's paternal relatives (grandparents? aunts/uncles?) WTF?!? What nerve she has taking pics of their daughter's relatives at her daughter's graduation? Who ever HEARD of such a thing??? She asked her BD to take pics of YOU (her significant other) and her daughter.
> 
> *Pictures of the extended family is one thing, the way you describe her interactions is another*
> 
> 
> 
> I think YOU need to MOVE ON. ........


*This last statement I agree with. This woman is still attached to her Ex. You have little invested in this relationship. I don't see a positive outcome. You are still quite young. Wish her well and move on.*


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## franklinfx

and yes I AM jealous .......so?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

"*Oh and no one ive asked said they think its appropriate to ride in cars with your ex if youre in a relationship*." Really? I find that AMAZING! What is so taboo about cars? 

"*and yes I AM jealous .......so?" *I DID see your 'winky face', but I STILL have to say...

I don't 'get' jealousy. It is a DEAL-BREAKER for me as I find it repulsive. A jealous guy is telling me one of two things; (a) I am such a skanky 'ho that he expects me to hop into bed with every guy I meet unless HE'S personally there to stop me OR (b) I am such an idiotic 'box of rocks' that I can be talked out of my clothes and into bed by anyone who posesses a pen!s.

I don't find either supposition flattering or endearing.

Regardless, I really don't think THIS relationship is the one for you.


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## NextTimeAround

franklinfx said:


> and yes I AM jealous .......so?


No, you're not jealous. You are weighing up the investment /potential investment in this relationship compared to what you might get back and its relative value.

If, right in front of your face, she flirts with her ex the same way she flirts with you, well, what relative value does that have.

why don't you break up with her. Then she can flirt with you for little to no investment of your own in the relationship.

(and the bonus here is that you can go look for someone else more worthy)


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## Acorn

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I don't 'get' jealousy. It is a DEAL-BREAKER for me as I find it repulsive. A jealous guy is telling me one of two things; (a) I am such a skanky 'ho that he expects me to hop into bed with every guy I meet unless HE'S personally there to stop me OR (b) I am such an idiotic 'box of rocks' that I can be talked out of my clothes and into bed by anyone who posesses a pen!s.


or (c), he values the relationship with you, has a good idea what his boundaries are, and asks you to respect them.

Asking a GF/BF to minimize alone time with an ex is a perfectly reasonable request.

If you flipped this around, most women would have a problem with a spouse that carpooled to work and spent alone time on the weekends with a secretary half her age, and for good reason.


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