# Dealing with divorce in the workplace



## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Any advice on how to deal with going through a divorce in the workplace? I'm still living with the soon to be ex and in the process of moving out. I told my boss, just let her know I'm going through this and might need some scheduling flexibility. She's been really supportive, allowing me to chat with her about it, and respecting my privacy. I keep my emotions in check during work hours, try to focus on my job and keep my personal life to myself.

However, during this quarantine, I'm working from home w/ the soon-to-be-ex and having a lot of videoconference meetings with coworkers. Most of them are in a small team of 5 of us, including my boss. Simple questions, such as "how was your weekend?" become triggering for me as I'm spending this weekend packing boxes and starting to move out. One coworkers has been asking more personal questions to this small group such as "is everyone alone during this time? are y'all family members or partners driving y'all crazy yet?, etc" I just want to hide and avoid these questions, at least while we're still living together. Any advice on how to handle these questions and the emotions that come up while also staying focused on work?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, only talk about what you are comfortable with these folks -- remember, you DO have to work with them.
As for "How was the weekend" ---- "all good" or "busy". No need to go into details.
You can always talk to your boss in a separate 1x1 if you feel the need.

If the questions get too personal, just say "there is a reason the divorces in NYC are up 50%" -- Stuff like that which is NOT personal about YOU.

JMO. I don't know how friendly you are with your team and if you DO share personal lives/do things outside of work together (other than maybe a happy hour).

Of course this pertains to ANYTHING personal you want to share, not just about your D.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

These are innocent,normal questions. Just answer as jlg07 advised, standard answers, with no personal details. Move on


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You get to share as much or as little as you think is right for you. It's a wonderful thing for you to have a supportive boss, and that was definitely the right move by letting her know of your current situation. As for the coworkers, you get to be the filter in which they receive the information about your life. You always run the risk of the rumor mill going into production about what they THINK is going on, but that would just be their curiosity and weakness shining through.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When I separated from my ex wife, I very quickly told my boss, my team, and almost everyone I worked with. Because I knew there would be moments where I'd need to check out, or overreact, or whatever. No matter how hard I tried to hold it in.

So maybe just tell your team that you're going through a separation that's made even more difficult because of stay at home situation... and that you don't want to talk about it, are ok, but also wanted them to know.

And then just ignore those kinds of questions and instead focus your responses and conversations elsewhere. That's what I did, and it worked fairly well.


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## jd317 (Apr 13, 2020)

Thanks everyone, this is very helpful. It's nice to know what other people have done in this situation. I think it is best to keep it private for now, until I've actually moved out and start to feel comfortable with it myself.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

It really is best to keep most of this private, esp now. Don't let your work suffer. 

Then thing is, what you have done is fine, and i am there for my guys if they need to talk. But, over all work is work. 

Try to keep it separate if you can.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The best action, and the very best direction for you is that you're doing all the right things, and you know it's so whe knowing things daily will be rocky, and uncomfortable. 

Know it, and the process to your better life is underway, and:

BUCK UP.

Toughen yourself. There's no other way you desire except to move forward. 

That said only your toughening up and owning your resolve will make things easier faster for you. 

Hang in there

And no talking about divorce details with boss or coworkers. That never, never is good.

It sounds like you have a good, reasonable boss. So keep it so. Limit personal grief sharing with them.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'll just share what I did: I told my boss, as I knew there would be the need for flexibility (going to court, lawyer's, etc.) and I knew productivity wouldn't be perfect--but I also knew that she would be sort of understanding as long as she was in the loop. I also did tell my co-workers that I was divorcing and that I didn't really want to talk about it, but I was more or less okay and dealing with it. In my instance none of my co-workers were the kind who worried, so I figured they'd be good...but also this way they knew if I had tears in my eyes it was okay but just a bad/weird moment. They are going to notice higher emotion and some distraction, so if you say something but just also mention "Yeah I'm doing okay and dealing but would just prefer to keep it private" almost everyone said something like "Oh man, I've been there! Well I'm here if you want to talk" and then left me alone.

ETA: When my Dear Hubby died, I called my pastor, my son, and my boss in that order. I kind of wanted to go back to work after about a week "to take my mind off it and have something to do" and she was the one who told me I HAD TO take some time off for myself. Now, I'm glad I did. Telling others is okay. Telling them that you prefer privacy is also okay.


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