# Day 3: Stopping the process



## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

So, since I was the petioner in my D, I have to stop the process. In my state, this means having my lawyer draw up the document to suspend the D process.

Also, my H has asked my about 5 times in the past 2 days if "I'd called my lawyer and stopped the process." I explained to him, that when the papers are drawn up, I will meet with my lawyer, and to not ask me again.


While I'm committed to reconcilitation, I have a great deal of anxiety over taking this step.

Is this something others have experienced?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Why does he want to stop the process?


----------



## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

CanadianGuy said:


> Why does he want to stop the process?



He doesn't want the D. Never wanted it. I did. There were some issues in our M which precipitated my decision to D. We've decided to address those issues and try again.

My family is worth trying again. 

But there is some anxiety about stopping the process..


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I haven't been in your situation. But I think you either commit or you don't. As yoda says, "there is no try". If you can't do that, just let the process complete. 

IMHO

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Seems like your anxiety is about committing to the reconciliation. Withdrawing your divorce petition is a perfunctory action. You can refile at anytime (with even less work involved than the first time). The only thing you are giving up is time and some legal costs, the court's not going to care how often you stopped and started the process. Withdrawing your petition doesn't fundamentally change anything between you and your husband; he knows you are serious and that you can restart the divorce at any time.

Are you afraid that, without the clock ticking down toward a final divorce, you are losing some sort of leverage in the reconciliation? I hope not. Coerced changes and concessions don't seem like the way to forge a meaningful reconciliation.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

If you would please point form the issues.

eg:

Trust, 
addiction etc. 

What are your issues, what are his?


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I have been in your shoes. It's a long story, but I was the petitioner and I eventually dropped it. With that said, I never wanted the D, my wife did, but I filed first because she was making a lot of awful decisions for herself (drinking a lot, ditched all her best friends to get in with a really bad crowd full of drug abusers, with whom she moved in with in a small trailer and had threatened to take our daughter with her) and I couldn't allow her to take our daughter with her, so I did it just to get a temporary custody order. With that said, I had to keep it in place in order to keep the order active, and dragged out the proceedings as long as I could in order to try to convince her to change her mind. Eventually we had a long talk where i told her I didn't want the divorce and why. She replied that she wanted the divorce and sounded very firm on it. I proceeded to accept that, told her that I would always love her but that I would move on, and was very frank with her about my feelings, my failures, my disappointments, etc. She left without saying a word after patiently listening.

10 minutes after leaving while driving, she called me in tears saying that she wasn't sure if she wanted the divorce, but she definitely didn't want it right now. She said she would agree to new marriage counseling with whomever I wanted. It was very emotional. By dismissing the case, I gave up the custody order and the divorce would have given me full residential custody, the house, child support, and more. (for a man to get that kind of divorce in a conservative state like Kansas, well, a Lawyer would call that a miracle) So I took an enormous risk, but I can look back now and I have no regrets.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I really have to wonder about the merits of stopping your divorce, given the rather colorful history between the two of you.

Maybe you're anxious because you know he's just going to be the same person he was before you started the divorce, you'll be right back to square one and he'll probably be even worse because he knows he can effectively manipulate you to do things such as putting the brakes on the divorce even though he's treated you horribly.

Given what you've posted to date I would NOT stop the divorce.

He's done nothing to warrant that, if anything, he's given you more reason as of late to get him out of your life as soon as possible.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Lenzi: She says she is committed to reconciliation, and is asking if others who have made the decision to stop the divorce can offer any advice. Outright telling her that she should just divorce him seems sort of offensive at this stage, or at least on this particular thread.

Back to the original post, regarding his asking you repeatedly if the paperwork has been done: I can relate to this as well. The problem with the process is that divorce can get NASTY, and lying is always a part of that mess. He wants to reconcile and he wants to make it work out, but he, just like you, also has to be prepared for the worst. If you aren't going to go through with what you have said you will do, maybe even knowingly lying about your intentions, then it could definitely hurt him in the outcome of the divorce if you were to end up going through with the process while telling him it will end any day. So he is in a tough spot in that he wants to trust you, but he's also afraid because if you betray him, it could screw him over pretty good if he doesn't also prepare for it. (Of course, preparing for it would likely cost him a ton of money in attorney fee's, and he would prefer to not go to that expense if you really are dropping the case)

In my case, I was extremely happy when she agreed to drop the divorce process. I had my lawyer draw up the paperwork and send it to her lawyer. Our court date was literally only a few days away, so this needed to happen quick. She (or maybe her lawyer) dragged their feet for a couple days which caused me a ton of anxiety. If she was going to sign it, then all was well. If she was lying about it, then I was going to have to rush to prepare and spend a ton of money in order to prevent me from showing up in court and getting completely taken. By her dragging her feet, I was forced to risk having my lawyer prepare the case at a cost of $1,000 or more, which would be a complete waste of money if she followed through. It was an incredibly, incredibly frustrating experience, in that she didn't seem to think it was a big deal by not hurrying the process along.

I hope that lends another angle to his calling and asking so much. He probably has good reason for doing so. I imagine it is hard for him to take your word on this with so much on the line and when the trust is already strained to a breaking point.


----------

