# I don't understand why



## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

My husband has worked for UPS for four years. He lost that job at the end of Jan and he began a pharmacy tech online program. This isn't a school, though I asked him to just take the classes at the college. He is doing this alone at home and says it will take a month and he'll take the test, get a job. His brother did this and has been helping him.

Now, I was a SAHM for years for two kids. I had to find a job and in our area and with no experience i could only get a part time, minium wage position. I have been working my tail off trying to support my family. Hubby is not giving the family any sort of income. 

It's been nearly 4 months since he started this pharmacy thing, he barely studies anymore. I have noticed he has gained at least 50lbs since he stopped working. He is depressed. He does not do any house work, does not take care of the kids properly.

I broke down the other night and and literally begged him to get a job, any job. We aren't surviving off just my salery and I'm still appling for jobs with no luck.

He just flat out tell me no. I was so shocked and confused. I asked why and he couldn't really give me an answer. He says hes doing this pharmacy thing but hes not really doing it. He wants to but has lost interest.

All he does now is watch TV and play on the computer.

He has never paid or looked at bills, I have always done it and when I left it up to him for 2 months ( i was away ) he never paid a single bill.

We are drowning in money issues and it's like he doesn't even see it. But talk to him about it, he just doesn't seem to care, it doesn't bother him.

I don't understand him anymore. We have 2 kids together and he won't help me support them. I can't do it alone.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Your post reminds me my ex. 

He quit his job, and said he wanted to do this and that, he stayed at home for half a year, he achieved nothing. I was pregnant, my son was on the way, we didn't have a proper place to live, all the stress was making me insane. 

Finally I told him I was leaving, I knew I was threatening him, I knew I had no where to go, but living with a man who was not trying didn't give me much hope either. 

He stopped me, and he told me that he would go look for a job! In a week, he found a job. 

Sometimes they are scared to try, they don't want to try.

But if they do try, there is always a good result at the end. 

You have two children together, it is his responsibility to provide. If he doesn't see the importance and emergence, it is really disappointing!


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## carol (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree. Sometimes they just don't get it. You have to sit down and quietly, rationally explain to him what you need from him. Explain how you are feeling about his actions. Tell him this isn't working. Practice beforehand. I wrote it down and revised it a few trimes before I told him. I was calm and collected and when he asked me why he had to make changes I told him it was because I was the unhappy one! Then, when he realized I was serious AND unhappy, he made an effort to change. He sometimes slides back into the old habits but, I see he is trying.
You should also do the budget together. And decide together what you won't be buying because of your current situation. Discuss wants vs needs. He has to be part of the solution, it should not be all your responsibility.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

There are a lot of variables to this but communication is what is important. Continue to ask for his help in different ways. Maybe with small things. Praise what he does that is good. Make suggestions (not the same ones) as to opportunities that are out there. Protect yourself and your family. You don't have to be blatant about it but prepare yourself for the worst. Remind him that you and him are on the same team and that you are supposed to be working together to create the best life possible for your children. There is no time to sit around. Try to get him to agree with a timeline on the education. That will at least set a date for him to move on mentally. Include him with you when you go to the store and as many things as you can that will stop him from sitting and stagnating.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

And why did he lose his job with UPS? I've not known of them to have layoffs in my area. Do you have family you and the children could move in with? I'd do that and leave the man to his castle. You are guaranteed to see results in 30 to 45 days when the bills go unpaid.

As for the pharmacy technician program.....that is a waste of time. The best training in the world is on the job training. He needs to put in applications with pharmacies (especially independent ones) and get started with his career.


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

seems they start spiraling down, like water going down a drain. They don't have a job, which gets them down, then since their down, they don't want to get a job and the cycle continues. Their hopes are like the water, it continues to go down. It is hard to stop the cycle. Seems more support and him getting out of the house more to see the real world would help.


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

Sounds like he has some depression issues. I'd force that issue before the work issue.

I know it's unworkable financially right now but if you ignore what I see as obvious depression, he wont stay in any job for long. There are many depression programs that are based off of income (for your family, it would be free) that you should drag him to kicking and screaming.

It is also possible that simply getting a job and feeling like he has some value will be enough to pull him out of his funk. Without counseling, it's impossible to tell though.

I hope the best for you and your family. Depression is not a fun thing for any involved.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

Have you shown any interest in what he is studying? Have you ever sat down and talked to him about what he's learning? Have you ever encouraged him and told him how proud you are of him trying to better himself (and your family) by educating himself?

I know the "blame him" game is the easiest thing to do and many people will automatically do that/support you for doing that, however, ** you ** are not helping your marriage and more importantly: you are not helping your husband. Forget about what he has or has not done for you and your family, that doesn't give you the right to fight back.

Sit down with him and see how much he has left to do with the studies. Get a calendar and set some goals with him (TOGETHER-- not you making demands) of what he should finish each week. Take an interest in what he's studying, ask him questions about it, challenge him to learn more. As a teacher, I have the job of motivating students to want to learn and its very tough and requires a lot of effort but its amazing what a little motivation can do for children (and for adults too).


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

MikeYoung said:


> To answer the question of your subject, the why is because he is depressed. I totally agree with the previous post on that one. A man's self-worth is often tied to his ability to provide for his family and he's not doing that. I would suggest sitting down with him, one on one, no kids, no tv, etc. Hold his hands in yours and look him in the eyes. Explain to him how and why you love him, that you believe in him to provide for your family. Just open up to him without blaming or nagging him. That will often work, just to talk heart to heart. It's hard for us guys to reject our vulnerable, hurt lovers. It is not hard to reject our cold, nagging, pointing-the-finger wives (not that I'm saying you are doing that, I don't know, I'm not there)


Great wisdom in this post!! :smthumbup:


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Ps. I would also double check, a lot of states allow you just to take the test, they have practice questions online and you just pay a fee. I don't believe the pharmacy program in most states requires formal schooling.. I know this is a fact in California, and schools were scamming students charging 10-20k.


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