# So unhappy but it's hard to leave



## tillybilly (Aug 5, 2010)

I'll try to keep it short! Im married 26 years, 1st year I caught hubby watching my friend in bath tub, 6th year caught him watching porn & masterbating. After 11 years of marraige we emigrated. 16th year caught him with porn on internet, he went to work that day and didnt come home for 4 days, I dont think he was with anyone during that time but all the same, alone without family with 2 small children it wasnt nice. 21st year found porn on his computer @ work. I tell him how crap he makes me feel, ask how he thinks I feel and he shrugs like a little boy.The problem is our sex life has always been lacking, months go by, if prompted he makes an effort otherwise he is obviously happy with porn. This recent dry spell has lasted 7 months and I just know he will be using porn.
I did leave after 21 years, I told him I was going, he didnt attempt to talk, I had to wait for a place to go in the meantime I moved into the spare room and 2 months later started talking to an ex via emails and text,my then 14 year old daughter saw some messages and this came back to haunt me later. I was out of the home for a month and hubby then wooed me completely even the sex picked up, I went home and within months things were back to normal.
Our daughter added to our problems, she had already been stealing from school (before our split, although she likes to use that as her excuse) she then caused us nothing but heartache for 4 years. Stealing, taking pills, smoking pot, constantly lying, staying out all night and finally leaving home @ 15. She came and went several times, living in a dump with a single mom & drug dealers as neighbours. I tried everything with her, from nice to tough but nothing ever worked, once I gave her an ultimatum come home or stay in the dump for good, she chose to stay but now claims I kicked her out. I have always had to deal with her myself, my husband taking a back seat and looking good, he gave her everything and sometimes went against my decisons behind my back. He regretted that when he had given her money after I had said no and she used it to buy pills!
She came home for about a year and the next time she started playing up, drinking and stealing again she landed in court had some counseling, during this period she stole my sons friends wallet. I rang the couselor who advised me to report her, I did and she ran this time into another druggies dump and her new abusive boyfriend moved in too. For the next 18 months i was in and out of courts with her, all this was resulting from her not reporting as she should to her juvenile officer. The bf wouldnt let her out of his sight and didnt want her to be seen by authorities who would know he had beaten her. They extorted money from us, she stole if she ever came home. I was trying to get police and anyone I could to help get her away from the bf, the juvenile officer helped but we just couldnt keep her away, seeing her battered and brusied @16/17 was a nightmare. During these courts visits and couselling sessions her father never made an appearance, at one point I was asked if he was still around. I ran into the bf at one court he was even keeping tabs on her there, I saw red and hit him, I rang hubby distraught and he didnt even offer to come get me. Next time bf sent a friend in court while he stayed outside, a court officer was aware and alerted the judge. My daughter promised the judge she would get a restraining order and keep away from the bf, him being the reason she had breached her bail. A great effort was made for us to leave safely, when I rang hubby to come he played it all down, luckily he came with a workmate and we got to the car safe but I was livid at his hesitation. Everyone there knew the seriousness of the bf threat but he really wasnt supportive.
The other problem is his drinking, he is merry or drunk 3/4 times a week, more if he has a excuse to drink. He is getting that he likes to get sat/sun mornings over so he can settle in for a drink. On the times we got our daughter home away from the bf, he was told by domestic violence police what to expect and how to be ready, he got drunk!!! Everytime. 
Now 26th year, our daughter is home, not through choice but necessity she was 7.5 months pregnant living in squalour with no food and being threatened because bf had got on the wrong side of the local thugs. She wouldnt leave him so we have him and now the baby, it's been 6 months. They still argue alot full on, the house is in a turmoil, my son told me a couple of weeks ago that she was screaming because the bf had hit her again. I went to talk to them both right away, dragging hubby in the room with me. I was told it wasnt my business but I said in my house it is my business and told them to get help or split for the baby's sake, I then asked hubby to say something, he said nothing. Three days ago I had a huge row with our daughter, my son was there too and it was an invite from him to her that started it. Her quarrel was that I dont allow her and bf to have friends over so there was no point in her making any. It was agreed that when they moved in they were not to have their old drug dealing thieving friends in our home. I forgot to mention the bf did have an old friend call twice, once interupting bf and daughter arguing, this resulted in daughter yelling at the guy and him threatening her with his sister, 2 weeks later his sister did attack my daughter while she had her baby in the pram, throwing drink on the 6 week old baby and 3 girls onto her, 2 weeks later she got a brick through her bedroom window. This is why they cant have who they like in my home!
She insisted on getting out of the car and walking home with the baby, I did offer twice to drive her but she refused. She would of got home quicker if she hadnt of been sending me abusive text. She called me every name you can imagine made threats she would have all her theiving friends in my house when I got home, she was going to trash the place etc. When my son and I returned home she started again, blaming me for the walk home the name calling carried on and for the 3rd time since she saw them, she threw out remarks about my ex and the texts. My husband knows about the ex and I have told her she's wasting her breath, it's not relevant as we were seperated, but she loves to use it. I told her to get packed and go to his family because I dont want her here any longer, after she threatened to beat me. She says, as always that it is her fathers home and for me to get him to tell her to leave (her fathers because I dont work). 
I told my husband of the row when he got home and did tell him what she had said about it being his house, he said nothing. If I forced the issue I think he would make her go but I wont because I am so close to going myself. The main problem being I couldnt afford to live here but could afford to live back home where my family is but it's a big move. I know my son will always be behind me and may even move with me but I'd be giving up my grandson. My daughter uses the baby, I have got up almost every 2nd night with him, taken him to appointments, I never say no if she asks me to have him, I drive them all around because of the pram etc, I love him to bits and she knows it. Her weapon the day after the row, she calls bf mother to take her to the hospital because the baby was sick. She saw me a minute before she left but didnt tell me where she was going, she left a note. Im still hurt by that, I called her dad and told him about the baby and what she had done but as usual he didnt say a word.
Sorry I rambled a bit, after saying I'd keep it short, lol sad thing is it is, there is so much more gone on with hubby and daughter. There is the problem, there is no intimacy between us, theres almost nothing, I dont respect him, I feel he is weak, he avoids confrontation with our daughter and bf all the time but that leaves me to deal with it all and I dont like it anymore than he does. He has even gone to some bizzare lengths to avoid it. He never backs me, he's either drunk at work or asleep. Im here because he couldnt cope alone but he leaves me to do so. If I tell him anything is wrong he sulks and goes silent, I feel I might as well be alone and happy than sad with people who disrespect me.


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## stayathomedad (Aug 12, 2010)

I am not in a position to give you any advice but I do feel for you. I think you should try to work on yourself and if that means moving closer to your family for some support and finding work and getting an apartment you should. Even barely scraping it by on your own is better than not being happy. I am going through my own dilemna of whether to stay and work on it. I think if your husband doesn't want to acknowledge any of this or consider counseling then it might be best to seperate. I also don't think drinking can ever help with the problems.


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