# Why is it so hard still?



## LostJB

Ok, so its not like I'm dying every moment of every day like I was 6 mos ago. I even sometimes go a week or more without crying for feeling bad at all. But other times, ugh. I really can't stop myself of feeling sadness and regret for where I am in life. 

I know from being in counseling that I did what I could and that Its not me that is damaged or unworthy of his love. But how do I get my mind to stop thinking it? I miss my old life so much. I miss being a fmaily. I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't worth the fight? Why I am not the one he loves anymore? I get so sad feeling like I'm not good enough to keep him happy or I'm not worth his love. 

I know I just stood up for myself when I left, things were much clearer then. Now he has a girlfried of 3 mos who already pregnant, and they are living in the house I made a home for my family. 

I cant stop taking responsibility for it all. I feel like I just keep getting tested and stretched to my limits. The one person in the last 10 years that I felt I had for support is the one causing me so much pain. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost my best friend. 

Why does it have to be so hard?


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## nice777guy

It just is...it really sucks.

But don't beat yourself up over his choices. It's rarely about "us" - more about "them" being selfish and short-sighted.

It does hurt - but don't make it worse by beating yourself up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Endgame

I know, we all miss that old life, and the way things used to be. We are the ones who can remember the good moments and see that once complete family unit was overall a pleasant journey. But, for some odd reason, the one who threw the curve ball and wrecked the whole thing sees it all differently. They become someone you don't even know, they lie to your face, tell others lies about you and make up all kinds of stories to justify their actions. Not only did my ex make me feel unworthy of his love, but he also made me feel like I was the worse person on the planet, made me out to be a monster who needed to be defeated in every way. And yet, I still love him and forgive him of all his actions.

Yep, it sucks sometimes. I still pray for him though, and I don't let my emotions control me any more.

I'm sorry to see that you continue to struggle at times. Things will get better and the sun will shine upon you and your life once again. Just remember, this time will pass, so take comfort that there will be a better tomorrow.


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## Sparkles422

lostJB:

That's the roller coaster I wrote about. We will be able to get off once we digest this chunk and come to terms with it.

Do not let anyone dictate to you your own self worth. Read what you wrote. You have a list of qualities that are spectacular and a gift:
Loyalty
Integrity
Foresight
Understanding
Strength
Ability to give love

Look at that! Beautiful, because you are.


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## Shooboomafoo

I know I miss the family too. There WERE good times, and that made up for a lot of what was missing in my marriage, for me anyways. 
As time passes for me, I am also coming to terms with some of the realities that I long had glossed over simply for cohesion.
It could bring a person to the point of thinking, the ex was right, not in her infidelity, but as far as the outcome of it. 
Thats a hard pill to swallow as well. Theres a part of me that feels like I now have a fighting chance to retire with some money in an account. Theres a fighting chance to pay off debt thats been carried and revolved for years, without someone working against that goal. 

Last night, a new series came on local t.v. called Touch. Its got Keiffer Sutherland and Danny Glover in it, (pretty good by the way), but there was a scene where a man came home and his wife walked around him and removed his coat for him. The entire evening had been light hearted and good, but seeing that made me really miss something that was nonexistant in my marriage for years. Affection. Happiness..


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## WomanScorned

It does get better. I have felt like you on so many occasions, but they get fewer and farther between. I suppose some day we'll come to peace with it all, but the road there is hard. We have to remember that we didn't cause our ex to not love us. They made choices we had no control over. I think this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but it will make me stronger, and already has. Hang in there and realize you're not alone.


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## Intruder

Posts like this make me realize I'm not nuts.....and I appreciate all the other posters that jump in and let people know what they're feeling also.

I have good days, I have bad days....I have days when I wake up and think the last few years are just a dream. I spend alot of time with my boys, but when I'm away from them I miss the daily parts of being "Dad"......for what? I had no control over how any of this went down, I never chose this path I'm walking.

Maybe it's the winter blues, maybe it's wanting to be a part of a families everday life again....who knows?

Once I asked her if giving up her family was worth it, she said she wasn't giving up the family, just giving up me.....ouch, right? From that point on, I knew this was a different person, and things would never be the same.

We can do this!


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## WomanScorned

Intruder said:


> Once I asked her if giving up her family was worth it, she said she wasn't giving up the family, just giving up me.....ouch, right? From that point on, I knew this was a different person, and things would never be the same.


I got the same speech from my ex. It makes them feel better to be in denial that they tore the family apart, I guess. Yes, you still have your kids, but it's not the same as the family you all made together.


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## nice777guy

I was told she stopped eating dinner with "us" because of Me. Funny thing though - sounds like she still eats HER meals in her LR or bedroom - but makes the kids eat in the kitchen...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skinman

Hey LostJB,

sorry to see that your having a tough time still... I remember being where you are and I know its not fun... You need to remember that it was his decision, why beat yourself up over a choice that he made ? you can only control yourself and your actions.. Try and remember that when things get tough... I am sure you will have good days ahead and probably even a few bad ones but let me tell you life will go on and its up to you now to look forward and not back.....

"Dont let what happened yesterday ruin your happiness today"

think about it........... best of luck


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## LostJB

Thanks for all the responses. I do feel good about not being where I was when I left. I do know that if I stuck around I would have just continued to be a door mat. My X is just very good talking himself out of being the bad guy and placing responsibility for our lives on me. My personality also allows this as I easily take on guilt and ownership that I don't deserve. Probably why we complimented eachother so well fro 10 years.

I'm trying to get to a place where I don't see my dreams as being abandoned or ruined. Just adjusted. For me I've been mourning those plans and dreams that we had together for our family, more than him.

Right now the biggest contention is him telling me that I'm bitter to his girlfriend (soon to be baby moma), because I do not want to be friendly or social with her. I keep telling myself that I know I'm acting appropriately for myself and my feelings. I'm taking the time I need, seperation is some manner is important. I can't avoid him because of our children, but I can avoid her.


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## southbound

LostJB said:


> Ok, so its not like I'm dying every moment of every day like I was 6 mos ago. I even sometimes go a week or more without crying for feeling bad at all. But other times, ugh. I really can't stop myself of feeling sadness and regret for where I am in life.
> 
> I know from being in counseling that I did what I could and that Its not me that is damaged or unworthy of his love. But how do I get my mind to stop thinking it? I miss my old life so much. I miss being a fmaily. I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't worth the fight? Why I am not the one he loves anymore? I get so sad feeling like I'm not good enough to keep him happy or I'm not worth his love.
> 
> I know I just stood up for myself when I left, things were much clearer then. Now he has a girlfried of 3 mos who already pregnant, and they are living in the house I made a home for my family.
> 
> I cant stop taking responsibility for it all. I feel like I just keep getting tested and stretched to my limits. The one person in the last 10 years that I felt I had for support is the one causing me so much pain. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost my best friend.
> 
> Why does it have to be so hard?


I do know how you feel. I think one thing that makes it so tough is that, like me, you don't understand why. I have looked at my divorce from every angle and still don't "understand" it. My only reasons I could understand for divorce would be cheating or abuse. Since neither happened, I was confused. When a person has their idea of what life is and then something like divorce shatters that idea, it's tough. I've had people tell me that I may never understand and that I should stop trying and just move on.


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