# Need help understanding him



## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

I am beyond confused what to make of our situation right now. I don't even know if we're in R because he still says he doesn't love me, still doesn't have a want for our marriage but he's here trying? 

Some of the positive things he's doing. Calling me from work when he can (which is hard for his job in the military). Showing more affection, like holding me from behind while I'm cooking dinner, holding my hand while walking somewhere, watching a movie or at church and snuggling at night, to name a few. Becoming more involved with our kids and playing with them. I came home yesterday to him doing the dishes that were in the sink, he's never helped around the house. He takes me out to eat once a week, just us, no kids. Wants to start doing more things, getting out of the house without the kids, just us. 

So what's the problem, right? I haven't heard the words I love you from him since the beginning of August. I tell him I love him and he says I know. Our therapist asks him how he's feeling about us and his reply is my feelings haven't changed (isn't in love with me and still doesn't want this). I ask him where this marriage is going and he says he doesn't know. I know that question seems like I'm pushing but he's leaving in July for a 9 month deployment. This past summer on a 4 month deployment was when he had his ea/pa, so I am freaking out. I don't want to just be strung along. When I ask questions about his A he gets upset, deflects and shuts down. Sometimes he won't even acknowledge the question and will talk about something else (and yes he heard me). He still hasn't said he was sorry for his A or expressed regret, which is a whole new set of issues with him and myself (I feel stupid and weak for letting him come back to the house without even being sorry!)

Whenever a hard question is asked, I want to talk about our relationship or I look like crap from having a really bad day coping with all this, like clockwork he wants to have sex. I keep telling him that I don't want to just jump in the sack with him under those conditions. But without fail he keeps doing it. Maybe that's partially my fault because sometimes I do give into it because I'm desparate to get as close to him as I possibly can. 

In therapy he asked the therapist to help us to work on deeper levels of attraction, like intellectual, emotional and spiritual. He's also been talking alot more about his feelings in therapy, after spending his whole life as a bottler. He says he can't put the lid back on now that it's off but now he doesn't know what to do with these old feelings coming out and new ones that aren't going in. 

I'm just so confused. I don't even think we really are in a R. He says this is him trying to see if he can find a spark with me again. But he also says he doesn't really want this marriage or to love me again. SO what the heck is going on?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I think he is not remorseful.

In remorse, he will understand that you are undergoing hurt, pain and agony. He will do things that should help you recover from your wounds.

I dont think this is happening.

He shuts himself down, because he is ashamed that he was caught. He doesnt have answers for your questions. He knows that what he did is wrong.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay. Let me give you a little background on my bona fides so you understand things.

I was in an EA and I am in a long distance relationship with my wife currently. The EA ended a year ago almost exactly today. It was 'only' an EA in that the mental movies and devestation are different for the BS.

We are trying to reconcile long distance, which makes it tougher and we aren't using any therapy. We are private people.

So...how did I feel? My wife dropped the 'her or me' on me. Well, I was 'remorseless' according to the many many BS here in that I said that our marriage wasn't really worth going back to as is. And it wasn't.

But...a month or so later I did the no contact thing and gave it a try. Please note: I did not love my wife at this time. I resented her GREATLY for 'breaking me up' with my friend. And that is how I saw her, as my best friend in the world. I gave up someone who made me feel good about myself for someone who...distinctly didn't.

I missed the hell out of her for MONTHS. I was in another country and visited not very often. However, I skyped regularly and we had some brutal conversations. We laid some ground rules on the conversations.

We did a vacation together and it was...okay. We talked a lot but the spark wasn't there. This was at 3 months. It wasn't until about 8 months that I realized that I had started to love my wife again.

Why did I stay? Kids. Stubborness. Duty. The decision to make one final stab at it. But we enforced communications.

Now...you guys are for the most part together, which makes it easier...but he is saying crap to you that he really shouldn't.

I don't want to give you false hope, but what is happening sounded typical to my experience. Now, I was polite enough to not tell my wife that I didn't love her and wanted to quit, but I felt similar.

So at this point it's up to you. My wife worked hard to make things work out...and so did I. She had absolutely no way of knowing if I got back in contact with the OW. But I never have and any commuication the OW starts gets automatically forwarded to the wife (only twice and once was a spambot)

So there are some red flags but there is also some hope. It depends on how much effort and time you want to spend on this.


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## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

Angryandused - I don't know if he's remorseful about the A itself, but I know he hates the pain I'm in. He admitted last night to me that he cries every morning on the way to work, hating himself for doing this to me. He says all he can see is the heartbroken look in my eyes and it kills him. And my husband before this NEVER cried. In the 12yrs together (9married) he's only cried once and that was when our daughter had to go to the ER.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I believe his admission to feeling that way is a small step in the right direction.

My husband hasnt told me he loves me in a long time. He will say it back to me if I say it but never on his own. It hurts deeply and I point it out to him all the time. I believe he hates himself deep down and if you cant love yourself you cant love others!


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## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

JCD - THANK YOU! I have been going through these forums hoping someone from the same perspective my husband is at would come along and help me understand. I am not getting false hope but you made me feel less crazy about this gut feeling my husband's love is still there. 

Even though we aren't long distance like you and your wife (kudos to you for working on your marriage with that huge hardship) and we are able to have face to face time everyday, I'm freaking out. Because he's active duty military and leaving on deployment in July for 9 months. It doesn't help his last deployment that was 4 months long was when he met the OW and started an EA that led to a PA.


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## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I believe his admission to feeling that way is a small step in the right direction.
> 
> My husband hasnt told me he loves me in a long time. He will say it back to me if I say it but never on his own. It hurts deeply and I point it out to him all the time. I believe he hates himself deep down and if you cant love yourself you cant love others!


It does hurt very deeply when he says back, I know. The rational part of my brain calmly says he's being honest but the other half is belligerently screaming. 

I do agree with you about the loving yourself in order to love others. My husband has deep rooted self esteem issues. He is the youngest of his siblings (even has a twin brother) and was not treated equal. I know it's hard to treat all kids equally because each kid is different with personality and needs. But when I say he was not treated equally, I mean he was really really not treated equal and his emotional needs were not anywhere met that he needed when growing up. 

Something to gently bring up in counseling tomorrow?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I believe his admission to feeling that way is a small step in the right direction.
> 
> My husband hasnt told me he loves me in a long time. He will say it back to me if I say it but never on his own. It hurts deeply and I point it out to him all the time. I believe he hates himself deep down and if you cant love yourself you cant love others!


Help him find a way to love himself. If you bring him there, he will love, LOVE, *LOVE* the person who helped get him there.

That is difficult but sometimes we are our worst critics.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

ImTrying said:


> It does hurt very deeply when he says back, I know. The rational part of my brain calmly says he's being honest but the other half is belligerently screaming.
> 
> I do agree with you about the loving yourself in order to love others. My husband has deep rooted self esteem issues. He is the youngest of his siblings (even has a twin brother) and was not treated equal. I know it's hard to treat all kids equally because each kid is different with personality and needs. But when I say he was not treated equally, I mean he was really really not treated equal and his emotional needs were not anywhere met that he needed when growing up.
> 
> Something to gently bring up in counseling tomorrow?


One thing that helped for me was to...not cut, but remove myself from the influence of my family

I became myself and myself alone, not JCD son of X and Y. When I got to the point where I could view myself on my own terms and not how they would see me, I think I was able to grow as a person.

Of course divorcing youself from the opinions of others is sometimes dangerous, but it also makes you reassess your values, not their values.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

JCD said:


> One thing that helped for me was to...not cut, but remove myself from the influence of my family
> 
> I became myself and myself alone, not JCD son of X and Y. When I got to the point where I could view myself on my own terms and not how they would see me, I think I was able to grow as a person.
> 
> Of course divorcing youself from the opinions of others is sometimes dangerous, but it also makes you reassess your values, not their values.


This is why I still come to TAM! I needed to have your words ^ today. It is what I have been trying to ask my H to do for us but could not word it right but thanks to your sharing I think I can get my message across. Thanks you so much


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

ImTrying said:


> JCD - THANK YOU! I have been going through these forums hoping someone from the same perspective my husband is at would come along and help me understand. I am not getting false hope but you made me feel less crazy about this gut feeling my husband's love is still there.
> 
> Even though we aren't long distance like you and your wife (kudos to you for working on your marriage with that huge hardship) and we are able to have face to face time everyday, I'm freaking out. Because he's active duty military and leaving on deployment in July for 9 months. It doesn't help his last deployment that was 4 months long was when he met the OW and started an EA that led to a PA.


It makes sense that you are freaking out about it. TRIGGER! It is the same situation and there for it is going to make you uneasy and well, batty too.
My question for you is what are your goals for that time frame? What are you going to do, learn, create, experience for your self while he is deployed? I ask because having a purpose during his absents might help you get through it with out loosing your mind with fear and wondering. 
Also have you and your H decided how to stay in communication? Have you mentioned this fear in a counseling session?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You definitely need to bring it up in counseling!


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## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

Staying in contact will be hard. Mostly it will be through email and phone calls. Skype when its available. I've talked about flying out to see him with the kids for Christmas if he's in a safe area. He started to shoot that idea down until he saw how disappointed his immediate negativity was making me, he then changed his tune to say we'll see what port he'll be in. I've mentioned every fear in counseling and my feelings. It wasn't until recently that he's really started talking about his feelings. Up until 2weeks ago if I asked him how he's feeling he would just say I'm the same. I clarified I wanted to know how he's doing not if his feelings changed and he just didn't get it until now. The only things I have going for this deployment to keep me from going completely batty is that his brother will be in the same deployment group. So when he goes out in town to decompress I know he'll have a pro-our-marriage someone with him. My brother in law is extremely anti-cheating since his first wife cheated on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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