# Messy marriage



## alliexoxo (Mar 12, 2018)

This is going to be super long and I know I'm going to get hated on and hear what I don't want to hear. I'm not sure why I'm writing this but here goes.

I met my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 19. At first I had no interest in him. We met at a party and we're both drunk and he was hitting on me. I didn't expect to every hear from him again but a few days later he called me. It took a few months but I started to like him. We eventually entered a relationship. 

I became very controlling. I cut him off from his family and demanded he spend all his time with me. I wouldn't let him hang out with his friends either. It became all about me but he was still head over heels for me and did everything I wanted and was super romantic. I do think I fell in love with him every though I became a narcissistic person. You may ask how you can love a person and treat them like that and I will never know the answer.

A couple years into our relationship he developed a bowel disease called ulcerative colitis that landed him in the hospital for two weeks. He almost died. At the time I had a severe social anxiety disorder and refused to go to the hospital and see him because his family was there and I refused to meet them due to social anxiety. Actually, I did go a couple of times but they were short visits and I broke down in tears seeing him with tubes coming out his nose, etc.

Anyways he eventually got on medication that helped him sometimes but he would still have flare ups. Sometimes he would be in the bathroom 20+ times a day. I would get frustrated and be mean to him over it.like I said I do not deny being a narcissistic b*tch.

I can remember having a lot of good times with him throughout our years together. He seemed very happy. Always laughing, joking, and smiling. As long as everything revolved around me I was happy too. I would rarely let him watch sports and he is a huge fan of football and basketball. 

Anyways, he ended up living in with me at my moms house before I was 18 (my dad was not in the picture) my mom had always spoiled me and gave me everything I wanted my whole life. I never learned any life skills because she always did everything for me. This includes cooking, laundry, etc. 

We finally ended up getting a house together when I was around 24. We rented and I learned how to do dishes and laundry etc. but what I never learned to do was cook. We would go to restaurants or just order food 3x a day. Either that or he would cook. I then decided I wanted to have a baby and after a year of trying I ended up pregnant with my son.

While I was pregnant I developed a horrible eye condition called eye floaters. I know most people have a few floaters here and there but my eyes exploded with them to where they were always in my vision. I became obsessed, depressed, and full of anxiety. After I gave birth I even became suicidal over them. I ended up having surgery on my right eye to remove the floaters and thought it was fine. I then had the left eye done. I developed a slight complication with my left eye. It wasn't a dangerous complication just annoying . A strand of vitreous was left In my eye that I could see in the top corner of my vision. I had a third surgery to remove this. Now my right eye is doing the same thing only it's 10x worse than what happened in my left eye. It's leading me to severe anxiety and depression. I can see this huge strand of vitreous flapping around in my vision all day long and it drives me insane.

Anyways we rented that house and had our first child. Even with the onset of floaters and surgeries I still think I was the happiest I've ever been other than that. Becoming parents to the most amazing son has been awesome. And I will forever cherish that tiny rental home because of those wonderful memories we made becoming parents there. 

In December 2017 we decided we wanted to get married. We had been together for 11 years and had our son so we wanted to become a legit married couple. It was my husbands idea actually. I was still controlling but he acted fine with it and never said a word about it. We got married and then ended up buying our own home. 

We moved into our new home. I went to a psychiatrist where I was put on psych medication to help me cope with my eye condition and it worked. I was no longer obsessing over it. We then decided we wanted to have another child. We had sex unprotected one time and I was pregnant. I had to go off my psych medications because I was pregnant and this is where things really took a turn for the worst. I became obsessed more than ever over my eyes and severely depressed. Nobody understands how awful this condition is unless you have it yourself. So I joined some Facebook groups with other people who have the condition. I started talking to men and women with the condition all day long. I started neglecting housework and all wifely duties. I took care of my son but basically done the bare minimum. If I wasn't on Facebook talking to these other people with the same eye condition as me I was in bed crying about my eyes. I ended up talking to a guy on Facebook I connected with on a level I don't even understand. I didn't develop romantic feelings for him and I don't feel like he did for me either. We mainly talked about our eye issues. But I felt he really understood how I felt on a level that most people didn't. Occasionally we would discuss other topics but it was mainly about our eyes and the surgeries. We were both obsessed and could discuss this topic all day and we did. 

On thanksgiving 2017 my husband was making dinner. He asked me to help and I was on Facebook talking to this guy about my eyes. My husband called me a lazy *****. I ended up punching him in the face multiple times. This is not the first time I ever became physical with him. There were a few other times throughout the years. Usually when I didn't get my way I would break things such as laptops and fans. Anyways I punched him in the face and threw a crockpot across the kitchen. All of this in front of my two year old son. I feel absolutely horrible and remorseful. It was then that my husband told me he wanted a divorce. 

My husband told me he was tired of being controlled. He was tired of doing all the housework and cooking. He was tired of being disconnected from his family and not being allowed to watch sports or listen to whatever music he wanted. He said he hadn't been happy in the whole 12 years we were together. 

I can understand why he would be unhappy. What I can't understand is why he put on a smile and pretended to be happy for so long. Why he created two children with me and married me after 11 years of being together. I'm due to have this baby in may. My husband became very disconnected from me and refused to cook anymore. He wouldn't even sit in the same room with me. Wouldn't touch me or talk to me. It was then that I realized how much I really loved him and didn't want to lose him. So I learned to cook. I've been cleaning like a mad woman the past three months. I've been extremely nice. He recently reconnected with me and is acting happy again. He hasn't told me he loved me yet but we have had sex once. I always refused sex with him unless we were trying for a baby. I feel like everything about our relationship has changed for the better except our sex life. I have some sort of sexual anxiety. I fear showing affection and have always just laid there during sex I have never even been on top. I fear I will do something wrong or it won't feel good for him. So my first question is how do I get over this sexual anxiety to better our sex life? I would also like to have sex more often. I want a sex life like a regular married couple. I just fear initiating it. 

Another question I have...during the three months he was planning on divorcing me I had a complete nervous breakdown while pregnant . I laid in bed and didn't eat or sleep for days at a time and he became concerned about the baby. I'm wondering if this is why he has suddenly changed and started being nice again. I wonder if he's just getting me through this pregnancy before he gets a lawyer . Making me think everything's ok so I remain healthy for this baby. 

Also he has changed in a lot of ways. He's being overly nice and started on a health kick. He's eating good and exercising a lot which is something he was never really into before. I just think it's a bit weird. I've even asked him if he's trying to look good for someone else and he claims he's doing it for himself.

Although he's being nice and acting like my husband again he is still having me do most of the cooking and wifely duties which I'm ok with. I've been in therapy and been reading a lot about marriages on this site. I've realized I've been so used to being catered to my whole life I had no clue what the real world was like . I have realized men need love and affection and it takes two to make a marriage work. I'm working on being the best wife I can be now. I have learned my lesson and it has took 12 years and thank god he is still by my side. But is this until this baby is born or us he forgiven me? I'm honestly afraid to even ask him. If anyone has any advice on what I can do from where I'm willing to take any and all advice. This has gotten super long so I will end it now. But I have left out a lot of stuff including a lot of my horrible behavior and stuff I have said to hurt him over the years. Stuff I look back on and think how horrible I was.

Also, another question , was my relationship with the guy online considered an emotional affair ? My husband says I gave this guy more attention that I did him, which was true, but it was mainly conversations about our health problems . By the way, I have had him cut out of my life since thanksgiving and he is blocked on my Facebook. 

Also, we are in a horrible financial situation. I haven't been working because of my severe anxiety and my husband makes over the income limit for WIC. We can't afford formula as we can barely pay our bills. So I need to breastfeed this baby. But at the same time I'm going crazy and starting to feel suicidal over my eyes and just thinking about past things I've done and said to my husband. I really need to go back on my psych meds but I can't breastfeed while on them.

I feel like my life is such a mess and I feel so worthless and confused 




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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

alliexoxo said:


> What I can't understand is why he put on a smile and pretended to be happy for so long. Why he created two children with me and married me after 11 years of being together. I'm due to have this baby in may.


You have, most likely answered your own question contained in the first sentence with the 2nd and 3rd sentences. You have a GOOD husband who wants to keep his promise and father his children.



alliexoxo said:


> was my relationship with the guy online considered an emotional affair ?


Considered? By whom? The only relevant opinion is that of your husband.....does HE consider it an affair.?..... if he does, then it must become your personal truth to own, repent of, ask your husband's forgiveness, and God's, and act accordingly in every millisecond of your continued life together with your husband.

If you want my advice, it is what you already have said....



alliexoxo said:


> I'm working on being the best wife I can be now.


Take complete hold on that statement, and forget all this other stuff. Doesn't exist, anywhere but in your own mind.

I am totally glad to hear that you are thanking God. Keep doing that. You are going to the right place.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Incredibly honest, sincere post. Well done. I know that was hard to write. 





alliexoxo said:


> This is going to be super long and I know I'm going to get hated on and hear what I don't want to hear. I'm not sure why I'm writing this but here goes.
> 
> I met my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 19. At first I had no interest in him. We met at a party and we're both drunk and he was hitting on me. I didn't expect to every hear from him again but a few days later he called me. It took a few months but I started to like him. We eventually entered a relationship.
> 
> ...


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

So, there are some parallels to my story. I also met my husband young. At 16. He also pursued me. Differences, i was highly sexual with him and I did not control him. I also was a spoiled child not used to not getting my way and i had to learn to change and I did that. 

I don't think you love your husband. I don't think you really know what love is just possession and ownership. You have thought of your husband as property and abused him as you would a slave or a faithful dog. 

I don't know why he put up with you for so long. I don't know what his mental problems were to think how you acted was in anyway sane. But, i see a little of you in myself. A little and it is frightening so I want to thank you for sharing because it was like a mirror was put up to my own face in parts of your post. 

I do agree, i think your husband has only calmed down about divorce because you are pregnant, I think he is also likely cheating or in a inappropriate relationship himself because that is the only way I can personally explain the sudden appearance of a back bone when it comes to you. Or maybe he just really really has had enough of you. 

You need to 180 change, and I dont mean the 180 that BS are advised to do. I mean OP you need to change and get some counseling for your insane level of narcissism. You still are, you are just a scared narcissist that is about to lose everything that you THOUGHT was yours to control. 

I truly wish you the best in your path. But how you have acted for 11 years....that leaves emotional marks on those you have abused and the resentment against you is huge....HUGE. It will likely never go away.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Allie, you have changed, but you haven't matured. You began doing housework and cooking, but that's what you should have been doing all along. That part is called being an adult. Deciding to do those things were for selfish reasons being that you only did it in order to try to keep what you saw you were losing.

And that makes me question your depression. There is bipolar depression, which is a mental disorder, and there's situational depression, which is connected with a situation that causes you sadness at the time. I understand your eye condition is hard to deal with, but I think everything you encounter is hard for you to deal with. I don't think you were seriously depressed. I think you were sad and sulking, which is situational depression but only because you had to deal with something you hated having to face. Another reason I don't think it was really depression is that you sure pulled yourself out of it as soon as you had another situation to deal with. You went straight into damage control mode to repair the mess you made. Depressed people don't flip like that. They can't.

I don't believe you love your husband. You never did, so how could it be love now just because you feel desperate not to lose him? However you think you feel, what he's doing now and whatever he decides to do later should be something you understand. You should give him the right to choose. Perhaps you've heard the saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, then it was meant to be." The saying means you should let him go so he is free to make his own choice, his own decision. You can't make him love you by selfishly trying to hang onto him. If he stayed, it wouldn't be because he wants to stay. It would be because you forced him to stay by obligating him or guilting him.

I just think you need to grow up. Adults don't need anxiety medication just because they have to deal with things they don't want to deal with. I think you use meds as a crutch, especially when there are so very many people who had to face exponentially more than you have to face. If our military were on psychotropic drugs, I think we'd be in serious trouble, but they face life in the danger zone every single day. So do cancer patients. So do children with debilitating ailments and diseases. So do blind people. You are going to have to decide to adult your way through life when you can't depend on meds, like when pregnant and breastfeeding. You're going to have to decide to maintain your health and your home and your children whether or not you drove your husband away. It's incredibly admirable that you take full responsibility for your past actions. Decide you will, from this day forward, take responsibility for your life, and that includes your behavior.

I think you should write him a long, loving letter of apology and tell him that after the way you have treated him, you will understand if he wants to leave after the baby arrives.

Also, the way to get over anxiety surrounding sex is to just do it. I don't like the "just do it" mentality that floats around this board so capriciously, but since you want to and there's nothing stopping you, then you should. So, stop being selfish about sex with your husband and stop depriving him AND yourself. You don't have a problem finding everything online that you want. You found the support community for your eye condition. You found this board to post and ask for advice. You've probably found a million recipes for learning how to cook. Now go looking for resources to help with your shyness in bed. If you don't know what to do to please your husband, there is plenty out there to teach you in the form of internet articles, books, and videos. Get out of your head and start thinking about him.

Since money is so tight, buy a bunch of cloth diapers and plastics pants. They will have to be treated (soaked) before washing in bleach, but you can do it. Women did for thousands of years before the invention of disposable diapers just before 1950.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I hope you will come back to discuss how you will work though these problems. You don't owe us anything here. Just owe yourself to work through your emotions. Please know, many people will say you are a horrible person, but the more you work through things the more you will find this place is a support system in making HEALTHIER marriages. 

Again, please know...there are people that will be here for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I am only going to comment on one little part of your post that has nothing to do with your marriage, but may help you considerably once the baby comes: Get in touch with LeLeche League to help you with breastfeeding. I breast fed three children and found it to be a positive experience in each case. There are so many positive aspects to breastfeeding that books and books have been written about it.

You will likely need support of other women, particularly if you run into difficulty starting out, which is why I recommend LeLeche League. They have lots of resources and experienced women who want to help new moms with any trouble they run into. This is a wonderful organization. https://www.llli.org/

I am so happy that I breastfed my children and have helped other women along their breastfeeding journey. My first child is now breastfeeding her daughter and has found it to be excellent for her, the baby, and her family.

I am so happy to see you on this journey of self-awareness and discovery. Keep moving in the right direction and everything is going to be okay. There is no point in worrying about what may happen in the future, as we cannot know what that will be, but focusing on doing your best today and loving the best you can today will always pay off in keeping you on the right track.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@alliexoxo I hope you come back. 

So the first thing you need to do is go see a clinical psychiatrist to deal with your anxiety disorder. This is well beyond you and you need to deal with it head on as it has been one of the main obstacles in your relationship.

Next continue to do what you have been doing, you need to read about marriage and what it takes. You are right about men needing affection in their marriage, and you need to slowly be courageous and get over your fear. You are going to need to do this for any man you are with.

Finally you need to apologize to your husband. You need to fall on your sword and tell him everything you have said here. Then the rest is really up to him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Honestly, I have no idea why your husband has stayed with someone like yourself all these years. You had a Mom who catered to you your entire life, then a husband who did the same, and now you're just realizing that the world doesn't revolve around you solely? Well, I guess that's a first step, and a good one at that. 

Onto your questions: stay in individual therapy, and ask your husband to go to marriage counselling with you. Talk to him, like actually sit down and have a heart-to-heart and ask how he feels about your relationship. I would think that since he's completely revamped his ways to be much more healthy, someone else has either caught his eye, or he's preparing for when he leaves. That's fantastic that you've changed your ways and are making efforts around your home! Keep that up. Before my husband and I separated, I know for a fact that had he changed a whole heap before the separation, I'd have thought he was faking it until he got what he wanted (the marriage staying intact), then changed back to how he was (lazy, self-involved, and he didn't contribute to our life at all).

As to the online guy, I have no idea if it was an EA or not, but I would guess that if you gave him more time than your husband or children, then it was definitely bordering on EA.

As to your eyes, I also have floaters, sometimes quite a few of them, and in no way do they make me suicidal. I get annoyed, yes. You need to go see your doctor, not about your eyes, but about your suicidal thoughts. I think there's more going on here than your eyes, and I think you may use your eyes as an excuse. I have a close friend who has cartagener's syndrome (kind of like cystic fibrosis, but not quite as severe). She has a couple other conditions that are offshoots of the big one, including no cilia in her lungs, making her catch EVERYTHING going around, and all of her internal organs are inversed. She is the most unhealthy people I know, and also one of the healthiest. She doesn't let her conditions get her down, and remains upbeat, positive and happy. She's one of my heroes because of her attitude. Maybe try taking a page in the book of positivity, and remembering what you have in your life instead of remembering your condition. Many people have it much, much worse than you do.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

I think you are lucky that your husband has been patient and understanding to this point. It doesn't sound like he suddenly snapped. I believe he simply may have reached a point where he couldn't cope any more and this has bubbled up.

I believe one of the fundamentals in marriage is to feel like you are both putting in a fair effort on both the marriage, and any other chores or duties that are required to run a household, look after kids, earn money etc. He already works full time, and from what it sounds like helps around the house a lot while you have been surfing the internet and admittedly doing the bare minimum to look after your son. On top of that he doesn't have an outlet since you've stopped him from enjoying his hobbies and sports. He needs those to de-stress and counter-balance the fact that he's probably working most of the time and not getting much appreciation.

My wife and I used to have a carefree and enjoyable life, but with kids it has put a spotlight on who is pulling their weight, and who is just doing enough to skate by. At the end of a long day he may not have a lot of wind in his sails, and to come home to a dirty house or wife who is more concerned about herself than the kids, house etc could come across as de-motivating.

Now, for the positives. I commend you for being open and honest with yourself. Not many narcissists can do that, and I think there is hope for you, because the first step is to understand that you are part (or cause) of the problem. This is the biggest hurdle, so I think the situation is workable. It sounds like you are taking steps to make more effort around the house. I believe actions speak louder than words, and the fact that you are making the effort to SHOW you've changed will help. I honestly believe if you keep doing this, being a little more attentive to your husband, and letting him watch sports it will go a long way and he may slowly come back around to you. The key here is don't take him for granted. He sounds like a good guy.


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