# Wife mastrubates but we don't hve sex for a long period of time



## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

My wife and I are arried for about 10 years. We have a child together.

We had great sex. We had a good sexlife and we often had sex sometimes a couple times a day or week.

Right before she got pregnant the sex became a few times a month or ones or twice a month. I tought maybe because we are having problems that she got pregnant and the stress level from my work was very high that my wife was suffering fron that stress. After some failed attemps and with medicacion she got pregnant and we where vere happy.. and we are still happy with our child.

After she give birth to our child 5 years ago the problems begun and it got worse.

To make the story short we did not have sex in like 4 to 5 months. We went to relationship therapy and we talk aboit the sex. Yes I like most of the man need to be romantic and I follow the suggestions of thentherapist to do somethings special and romantic. And so Id did that a few times.

But nothing. I was thinking to my self not to expext nothing and do it for the relationship and marrage.

But still after 5 to 6 months no sex.

Ecerytime I tried to approch her I get the cold shoulder. Now after like 5 months I got the courage to approch her and this time she let me come close to her and we had sex.

Ad the therapy session she mentiond to the theraist that she doesn't feel to have sex. And that she tries but she is not feeling nothing. And she does not want to talk about sex and love making.

A few days now every night that she goes to bed she mastrubates. I known that because we have a tv in de our bedroom and after we watch a show togetter she goes to bed and I will watch one show more before a go the bed. So when she goes to bed I start hearing that she rubs herself and moohns very qiutlty.

I'm sitting right there wanting to have sex, make love to my wife but can not go because I'm afraid that she turns me down like most of the times and that we going to have a realy big fight about it and that means our marrage will come to an end.

Nearly every night I go and mastrubates too. She knows it I do it because I open up to her at the therapist. I mastrube just to not go out and look for other women to have sex or feeling wanted.

What advice can anyone give me about my situation with my wife.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, ask her why she masturbates but doesn't want to have sex with you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that the therapist told you to do romantic things for your wife. What sort of things did you do?

How many hours a week to do spend with our wife in quality time, just the two of you without your child. What things do you do?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm thinking the medication to get pregnant may have started her avoidance of sex ?

Masturbation fantasies are "perfect", and a human "skin-on" partner isn't. Plus, the masturbater has control of the fantasy, he/she can orchestrate and choreograph the whole thing... people who get involved in frequent masturbation are known to avoid "real" sex as a result.....

Their responses become trained to the fantasy, instead of the reality. It takes some "unlearning" and "re-learning" to get past this.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

From my experience sex during pregnancy, and sometimes after, can be vastly different -- i know, i have a 4th on the way.

Prior to the first, sex was almost daily. And even during the first pregnancy we still had regular, not as frequent, sex. After though there was a decline, but there was medical issues at play there. And it took nearly 4 years to get the straightened out. In that span we had a 2nd child, and it wasntuntil after his birth and a temporary seperation of parents from children that the medical issue was finally on the road to improvement. Obviously to have the 2nd we had sex, but i believe it was even less frequent. Honestly, we didn't think we'd even be able to conceive a 2nd. Imagine our surprise.

But during all that time, life was rough. My wife's medical condition was managed, but my eyes strayed because sex decreased. I flirted, kissed, but never got into a position to have sex with anyone else. Though, unlike your wife, mine didn't go off to masterbate. She never has, and likely never will. 

Before i bore you with more, let me just get to my point. To me, if she's masturbating it means that she's still desiring sexual contact, or at the least gratification. Her body has gone through a major change, pregnancy, and now she's having to come to terms that her body isn't what it once was. She may not even know how to describe what she's feeling, just like my wife doesn't, so rather than be upfront about it, she secludes herself to do what she needs to feel better.

So, that's actually good news and, i believe, you need to take advantage of it. When she slips off to bed, follow her, maybe a dew minutes later when you know she's in bed and starting up. Then silently watch her. (This isn't creppy either, this is your wife, and what she is doing is healthy and beautiful. Why not watch?) Do this a couple times and see where it goes. 

The point is to find a new way to connect. Maybe eventually discussing what she thinks about. There's a ton of things that could happen. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The goal is to get her comfortable with her body again. If it's through masterbation then you're at least one step closer to resolution, and hopefully returning to a healthy sex life.

However, as i am reading these other stories, sexuality can, and has, changed in unexpected ways. So be prepared for that: a wife who may no longer desire her husband.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This situation has the potential to cause the relationship to go toxic real quick if it teeters of the edge of the slippery slope it's on.

OP, this is imho because in observing actions observed and reported;
your W still has sexual urges and needs that she satisfies herself by masturbating but for some unknown reason she doesn't want to have sex with YOU.

That's the one sentence summary of the problem being addressed. 

Her actions may actually be the problem or may be a symptom manifesting from a deeper core problem. 

She knows you know she masturbates laying next to you. WHILE you're laying there ready, willing, and desiring to have sex with her. 

This is one of the biggest most emphatic in your face FUs a W could do to her H.

Either/or/ or both; she's thoroughly demonstrating that she doesn't care a whit about your needs and doesn't care that you know that she doesn't care about your needs.

Whew.

So the gas to completely and quickly burn the house down has already been poured, just waiting for a heated moment spark to light it up.

Something else is going on. It's not a mental illness or physical illness that's causing this. Whoever unquestioningly believes that is only saying that to attempt to make you feel better.

Man, something else is going on here.

Maybe the next time she masturbates in bed, you do too, right there next to her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe you are not that good in bed?


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe you are not that good in bed?


Damn! I thought we were supposed to be supportive here? 
While your comment could be accurate ... 
Just, damn


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cazmodius said:


> Damn! I thought we were supposed to be supportive here?


I'm trying to be supportive by pointing out a possible flaw, so the OP can look at YouPorn (or whatever it's called) to find some remedy to his affliction.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You need to talk to her. Ask her why she masterbates instead Of sleeps with you. Don’t be scared to talk to her. That’s your wife. 
No one here can help you because we don’t know why she does it. There could be many reasons. But she knows why, so talk to her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe you are not that good in bed?


Wow, that's not nice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I'm trying to be supportive by pointing out a possible flaw, so the OP can look at YouPorn (or whatever it's called) to find some remedy to his affliction.


I don't recall anyone ever giving _you_ the advice to look at porn to figure out your sexual flaws to help determine why your wife didn't want sex with you. Wow again. 

OP talking to your wife about this is the first step.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe you are not that good in bed?


Folks are piling on to you here, but I'm willing to go on record as saying this is exactly why the choice between masturbation and sex with my wife is not a slam dunk.

Someone you love and find attractive can still completely fail to inspire you to want sex with them because they lack skill, technique, adventurousness, of some other necessary quality to keep you coming back.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

a


Cletus said:


> this is exactly why the choice between masturbation and sex with my wife is not a slam dunk.


I hear you. I avoided it in my first marriage. I would choose masturbation anytime, it wasn't because she was "bad in bed", it was because of her expressed opinion of me. I couldn't get past it. I had no desire to have sex with her, at all.

There can be a myriad of other reasons, too. Resentments, not feeling safe in it, painful intercourse, ..... you simply have to talk to your wife and get her to express her reasons.

I don't recommend porn. Keep sex between you and your wife. Others may have different opinions, but that's mine.


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Well, ask her why she masturbates but doesn't want to have sex with you!


I'm want to amd will ask her sometime. I just want to see the advice everybody is writing. Amd from there take a desision

Tank you


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> You say that the therapist told you to do romantic things for your wife. What sort of things did you do?
> 
> How many hours a week to do spend with our wife in quality time, just the two of you without your child. What things do you do?


Well to go out have a nice dinner. Go dancing.. all of that I did.
We live on an island in the caribean and we go out dancing on latin music lake salsa and merenge and many more.
Even on valantines day this year I took her out and she was suprised I did that. I will do everything in the house she wants me to do. Give her the attencion she needs and so on.
And none of those things I did helped. Not once she wanted to have sex.

Tank you for your feedback


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

TJW said:


> I'm thinking the medication to get pregnant may have started her avoidance of sex ?
> 
> Masturbation fantasies are "perfect", and a human "skin-on" partner isn't. Plus, the masturbater has control of the fantasy, he/she can orchestrate and choreograph the whole thing... people who get involved in frequent masturbation are known to avoid "real" sex as a result.....
> 
> Their responses become trained to the fantasy, instead of the reality. It takes some "unlearning" and "re-learning" to get past this.


Yes thay what Inwas thinking to.


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

Cazmodius said:


> From my experience sex during pregnancy, and sometimes after, can be vastly different -- i know, i have a 4th on the way.
> 
> Prior to the first, sex was almost daily. And even during the first pregnancy we still had regular, not as frequent, sex. After though there was a decline, but there was medical issues at play there. And it took nearly 4 years to get the straightened out. In that span we had a 2nd child, and it wasntuntil after his birth and a temporary seperation of parents from children that the medical issue was finally on the road to improvement. Obviously to have the 2nd we had sex, but i believe it was even less frequent. Honestly, we didn't think we'd even be able to conceive a 2nd. Imagine our surprise.
> 
> ...


Thank you fore your piont of view. I will take this and reflect on it.


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This situation has the potential to cause the relationship to go toxic real quick if it teeters of the edge of the slippery slope it's on.
> 
> OP, this is imho because in observing actions observed and reported;
> your W still has sexual urges and needs that she satisfies herself by masturbating but for some unknown reason she doesn't want to have sex with YOU.
> ...


Well we had some moments that we were on the edge of separating.

I still feel that we are on the edge but walking very carefully not to fall off. But that means that we are realybcarefull what we say and how we say things to each amd in what moment.

And that is why I did not confront her yet.


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe you are not that good in bed?


Well nobody is perfect and I know I do my best to satisfy her.
During the good times and the sex live was great I will make her come manny times during sex in different ways.

But now there is nothing. Not even kissing during sex. She does not want to kiss.


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## Ojnok (Apr 24, 2020)

Thanks for your opinios. I need tonthink this good. I love my wife I find her damn sexy and she got a fabulous body. 
There are many more things thatbI can say about her.
I even think there is another that she is interested bit because of the covid-19 and the lockdown she is fantesising about that person. But I have no proof.
Like I said we just had sex 2 weeks ago after nearly t months. Is was OK. She got satisfied but there is no kissing and talk about after the sex..
We used to do that. We did alot of stuff. But for now she does not even want to talk about sex with me.

I will keep reading every bodies opinion and take the time to confront her and talk to her.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Ojnok said:


> Like I said we just had sex 2 weeks ago after nearly t months. Is was OK. She got satisfied but there is no kissing and talk about after the sex..
> We used to do that. We did alot of stuff. But for now she does not even want to talk about sex with me.


Did she really get satisfied? Or is that just what she told you? Women will fake an orgasm (thank you "When Harry met Sally"), so she could be doing it just to get you to finish. 
Are you finishing inside her? Is there protection involved? Or are you trying to conceive? Sorry, personal questions, but would help to know. 

However, if she's not even willing to talk ...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I don't recall anyone ever giving _you_ the advice to look at porn to figure out your sexual flaws to help determine why your wife didn't want sex with you. Wow again.


It was tongue in cheek...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ojnok said:


> I will keep reading every bodies opinion and take the time to confront her and talk to her.


Exactly right..... unless you know the problem, you won't be able to help solve it. And, it mostly depends upon whether your wife wants it solved, or she prefers to keep things as they are.



Ojnok said:


> I even think there is another that she is interested bit because of the covid-19 and the lockdown she is fantesising about that person. But I have no proof.


It began 5 years ago. It cannot be because of covid-19. The "another" can be a fantasy....

However, the "no kissing" tends me to believe that the another is an actual person....not often do people remain "true" to a fantasy.

The "thing" is, here, that it is not important whether you "have proof". "Proof" will, in all likelihood, and in most places, gain you nothing. The question you must answer, for yourself, is:

If you had irrefutable proof..... what would you do ?

In order to determine your answer, you need an attorney. You do not have to initiate any legal action, just get information. Where do you stand, legally, financially if you stay, if you go, if you partially go, etc.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I do wish we were all free to talk to our spouses about how we feel about these normal life aspects. Instead they are reduced to guessing what is wrong and whistling in the dark about it, mostly with no real solutions.
Does everyone think like me that the confidence to talk deeply about sexual matters comes from how one feels about how she/he will be judged by the other rather than whether or not one needs to talk it over with the other? It just seems that a large number of us are not sufficiently free with our spouses when it comes to sexual matters and how this desired act is not shared properly because we do not say how we feel even when directly asked.
I like how you say that you gathered the courage to ask, also you had to be told by an outsider to be romantic. Also she tells the therapist how she feels but does not feel free to tell her own spouse. 

Have you both looked at the list of side effects of the medication she was on before this started? There may well be a simple reason. Doctors give meds that cause side effects, then give more meds to deal with side effect, the damage your kidneys in the process.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I have to throw out there; anyone in a ltm especially, who doesn't believe (note I didn't say "feel", and specifically not) they have the right to, courage to, and yes some responsibility to talk with their SO about sex when sexual issues become a real problem needs to grow the he$$ up.

It's not always easy, not always immediately fruitful, and one may get answers that are hurtful for a short time or answers not even considered at that point. 

The conversation doesn't have to be negatively worded at first, or ever a negative even, and will in good relationships mostly return positive results. 

But a saddle-sore left untreated eventually makes the horse un-rideable.

Take this as you will.....


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

MaiChi, I agree with you, having those conversations is hard when one partner is inhibited, insecure, sexually suppressed by an upbringing, etc. In my case, the wife is from a strict religious background and I can’t be honest with her about my wants and desires. She would not be able to handle it. I’d be judged and it would create a lot of tears and fighting thats just not worth it.


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