# 16 years, 1 kid....



## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

I've only read a few threads here so far, but it's nice to be around folks in similar situations.

I've been married for 16 years. I haven't been happy for many of them. I know many of the reasons are my fault. But I also know many of them are my wife's fault too....

My son is almost 9. He's definitely the best thing about the marriage. I love him more than life itself. If I didn't have a son, there's no way i'd still be married. None at all. But the thought of not seeing my son every single day would drive me insane. For now, I want my son to have a full-time dad.

I'll go over my shortcomings first.

I'm not good with money. I never have been. I make a good living, but we probably bought more house than we should have so there's not a whole lot left over. We're not in a financial bind. We're covering the mortgage just fine, but there are a couple of credit cards that aren't getting paid. I take full responsibility for that. I used to handle all the finances myself. But I've let my wife handle all of that now. I didn't put up any fight. My check is deposited to her account and she controls all the finances now. 
I also am doing some side work to bring in some extra money to help pay off some credit card bills.
This money issue is a relatively recent development. My wife took over the finances in June. 
Again - we're not in any financial crisis. Just not as good as we could be, but not bad.

I'm trying to think if my wife has ever been nice to me. I'm sure she was years ago. Very possibly during our first couple of years of marriage. But since then, not that I can recall.

It's the little things.

Years ago, we lived in a two story townhouse. We'd be in bed on the second floor and my wife would frequently ask me to go downstairs to get her a glass of water. I'd always do so.
I'd ask my wife to get me a glass of water. Her response would ALWAYS be "I'm already in bed. Can you get it?"
She told me if we lived in a one story house, she'd get me water whenever I asked.

We've lived in a one story house for the past 10 years probably. I don't think she's ever gotten out of bed - not even once - to get me a glass of water. But she'll always ask me to do so for her.

We'll be at a buffet. If she thinks I'm going for seconds, she'll ask me to get her something from the buffet. Even if I'm not getting anything, she'll ask me to go. But if I ask her to get me something after she's sat down, she won't do it. Not once.

I used to make a point to compliment her at least once a day. When we were first married, it was probably once an hour. She's never complimented me.

I'm not very fashion conscious. I know what I like / What I'm comfortable in, but it may not be what my wife likes. I'll wear what she wants me to wear, but I've told her numerous times, if she wants me to wear something specific, tell me before I get dressed or tell me what to put on. She never does, but she has no problem telling me I look sloppy or messy or anything. I don't mind her asking me to wear something specific, but I don't like to be insulted. She doesn't ask me nicely - ever.

She complains that we don't ever go anywhere nice, but since she's taken over the finances, I get a weekly allowance - just enough to buy my groceries. I don't like it, but I'm letting her handle the finances. I don't have money to take her out. I've tried to explain this to her but it falls on deaf ears. 

I did do some side work the last couple of months to buy Christmas gifts for our son (and her). She didn't even see what I got him until he opened everything. If I'd left this part of the finances to her, he'd have gotten nothing. (again, we have enough money to buy him gifts)

I've asked her numerous times to greet me when I come home. It's nice to be greeted with a kiss/hug after a day of work. Maybe over 16 years of marriage, that's happened 2 or 3 times tops. She's worked full time less than 6 years of our marriage - most of the time she's either been a stay at home wife or stay at home mom. When she has worked, she's always home earlier than me (teacher's aide/teacher).

Her parents live with us. Her mom normally cleans the kitchen. Occasionally her parents aren't at our house. My wife doesn't clean dishes anymore. If her mom isn't home, she expects me to do it.

I did all the cooking Christmas Day. I did EVERYTHING. I figure if I do all the cooking, I shouldn't have to do the cleaning after we eat. She expected me to, but I held my ground. I was kinda hoping to see her actually clean dishes for once in her life, but instead she had her mom do the dishes. My wife did clean the counters, but she won't clean dishes anymore.

We've talked about divorce. It's mostly her threatening divorce. She brings it up all the time for seemingly random reasons. Yesterday I asked her to please start being nice to me (stop yelling, stop insulting, etc). Her response is "I'm sorry I can't please you. I'll leave you alone. You can have your freedom now (divorce)"

(Probably a good time to point out I KNOW I need to get and read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". That's on my immediate to-do list.)

My son hears us arguing some times. He's even told me he knows I'm nice. Mommy is "nice sometimes" but "she's not nice to you". His words. 

We fight over our dogs a lot too. I love my dogs much more than my wife. I could write a few paragraphs about that.

I really just want my wife out. If she's out late, I can't say the thought hasn't come in my mind (many times) that life would be so much better if she just didn't come home.

I sleep in my son's room now. It's been this way for awhile and started rather simply. My son used to sleep in our room. I've always been a fan of 'baby-steps'. My wife has been more of a pull the plug type person. Rather than slowly putting our kid in his own room, she forced him in there before he was ready.
My son would wake up every night and come to our room. The pattern continues. He'd wake up my wife and she'd say go see daddy. So he'd come to my side of the bed and I'd have to take him back to his room. My wife would NEVER get up with him. It's not that she didn't want me to get up with him - it's just she didn't want to be bothered, just like she wouldn't be bothered by me asking for a cup of water.
So I'd take him back to bed and lay down with him and fall asleep with him.
I thought we agreed to take turns but she never took a turn. Eventually it got to the point that he'd wake me up every night and I wasn't getting help from my wife or enough sleep that it was just easier for me to go to sleep in his room.

And I like sleeping in his room now. I'm much more comfortable in there. 

We've had sex since I moved to his room, but our sex life has never really been that great. Less than once a month for sure. 
I used to try to please my wife first every time, but in the 16 years we've been married, my wife has pleased me like I like exactly 5 times. I'm sure I've done what she likes hundreds of times. It doesn't seem fair to me. I've pretty much stopped. Porn is much more satisfying.

I'm not sure if there's anything worth saving. 

I know I'm leaving out tons of stuff. I think I have a habit of blocking out a lot of stuff mentally. I'm sure I'll add more if/when I think of it. 

I plan to read that book and also plan to read some more threads around this place.

OH - and Merry Christmas.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

merry christmas and happy new year........

i feel so badly, no one should have to live with being put-down, or being yelled at.
if the kids notice, its time to change.
your son looks to dad to tell him how to be a man and how to be a husband.

this is not healthy for your mind or spirit. it will wear you down.

it dosent seem as though she wants to be there or for that matter for her self to be there. my h and i TALK about divorce as a if it hppened, who would go who would stay....the way your wife throws it up in you face, is mean, and wrong.

so either she is cruel and cold hearted, or else she checked out long ago and you didnt even notice.

try MC, she seems like shes going through something and its eating at her. talk and tell her, if she wants out, she can go heres your suitcase...the next thing she does will tell you if she is in or out.

if shes in, tell her time to talk, and i mean real talk. with out yelling or screaming or throwing things, and no name calling. she will prob not follow these rules, but she sounds like she is very angry.

if shes out, then shes out. you cant change people no matter how hard you want. go to counciling for you, esp., if she walks out.

i hope you can start the talking process, and she still loves you very much.


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## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

I will try marriage counseling.

I will also try to post in this thread occasionally. I'll have more time to do so next week.
I think at the very least, typing here will be therapeutic.


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## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

Some more stuff to add...

My wife and I very rarely kiss. She wants to kiss intimately more often in the bedroom, but will NEVER kiss me outside of the bedroom. And she'll never kiss me outside of an intimate kiss. 

What I mean is - I come home from work. I like to be greeted with a kiss. I'm just looking for a 1/2 second kiss hello. A very simple greeting (like it's nice to see me or something). My wife has many excuses for not doing so. These excuses include me having stubble (I shave in the morning, but I'm not clean shaven at 5:30 when I get home). Again, I'm not looking for a 5 minute kiss that's going to irritate her, but just a simple 1/2 second and done.
Another excuse is I might have bad breath if I don't brush my teeth after lunch. Same deal - I just want a 1/2 second how do you do.

If I do shave or brush my teeth, I still won't get a kiss. Before giving me a kiss, she'll ask me if I shaved or brushed my teeth. Being asked that before a 1/2 second Hello Kiss kinda ruins it for me.

The latest excuse is our dogs. My dogs greet me every day when I come home from work. I always pet them. Sometimes I kiss them. Sometimes they kiss me. (I don't let them kiss my lips.) But my wife complains I smell like dog. I stink so much from greeting my dogs for 2 minutes that my wife refuses to greet me.

I could go on and on about our dogs. I will say this - we got our big dog first. I got rid of her (the dog) three times because my wife forced me to each time (Yes - I'm a horrible dog owner for doing so) and my wife asked me to get her back each and every time because she missed her (the dog). That was almost 3 years ago. My wife has asked me more recently to get rid of the dogs but I won't hear of it anymore. The dogs are family now. But yes - my wife did agree to the dogs and begged me to get back the big dog because she missed her, but my wife refuses to go on walks with me when I take the dogs out. She never plays with the dogs, pets them, feeds them, cleans up after them, etc. She completely ignores them. My son unfortunately does to. So of course the dogs are going to greet me like crazy when I come home - because I'm the only one that gives them any attention.

The point of this post...
My wife wants to get intimate in the bedroom, but is completely unfriendly to me outside the bedroom. I've told her hundreds of times that it's easier for me to be intimate in the bedroom if I could just get some simple kisses outside the bedroom (and then I hear the same excuses over and over).

I really relate to that Michael Bolton song "How can we be Lovers if we can't be Friends?" Maybe some guys can do it. I can't. And I'm starting to assert myself finally.


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## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

So two days ago we have a fight. My wife makes some remark about wanting to be with other guys (trust me - I know she doesn't mean it - some stuff doesn't translate well when it's typed, but I know she doesn't mean it). But it's still hurtful and she always says stuff like this to get me mad. And she talks about divorce.

And then today she calls me at work and asks if we're doing anything New Years Eve. She never apologizes for anything. Ever. She just pretends like she didn't saying anything wrong and goes on.

She also texted me today twice. 
(let me set this one up first....
About 2 weeks ago she took the trash out and noticed there was a little bit of garage in the outside can. Normally a bag should be in there, but some garbage was thrown in before a bag was put in the can)

I took the trash out this morning.
She texts me saying: "I hope you emptied the trash from the bottom of the garbage can"

I replied saying: "I assumed you were going to thrown that out since you were the one that noticed it"

A couple of hours later she texts me and says: "Don't put trash in the garbage if there's not a bag in there"

I reply: "I NEVER do. I just assumed it was you, since it wasn't me"

She replies: "I don't do it and my parents don't do it, so that only leaves you"

I replied that it wasn't me, and if her parents didn't do it, it had to be her.

---------------------------------------
And it couldn't be her parents. Her dad is elderly (mid 80s). Either her dad or her mom threw a used adult diaper in the kitchen trash can. Not the kind of thing I want to see. I asked my wife to politely ask her parents not to do that. Instead of saying anything to her parents, she simply tells me "it wasn't dirty". (it was)

She's afraid to offend them at all and makes excuses for them constantly "they're old".


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## glenn (Dec 28, 2010)

alp27 said:


> sounds like things are rocky and tense all the time.. my wife is simply indifferent to me... not sure which is worse


Things are great when we're not talking.


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