# Wondering if I love/loved her



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

OK this is not a rant, not a question, maybe a muse, something like that.

For the uninitiated, I am 2 years out from having the bomb dropped on me, 18 months separated (wonderfully co-parenting our 2 kids) and basically feeling quite fine.

I am in an interesting phase now. Granted I still have feelings for my WAW, I love her as a person and the mother of our children. I will even admit that I am still somewhat hung-up on her (i.e. have not let her go really in my heart of hearts).

Realizing this, I have decided (being the perfectionist that I am) that I want to understand this to the fullest. I want to know what these feelings of "love" are. Do I really love her and want her back? (not that it's an option), or is it just familiarity speaking, perhaps past shared, but was never really truly deep love? I say deep love because I have no doubt I loved her (as I have no doubt I love her still), but suspect perhaps I did not love her enough. Truly love her. See her fully. Soul mate type of love.

So again why is this important to me? Well, if I love her still and would like her back, but given that is not a possibility, at least I will know where I stand and deal with that. But if I do not love her in that way, and perhaps never did love her "enough", maybe that will make it easier to truly let go.

Anyway, this is what occupies my thoughts these days (well, not fully).

Other than that life is good 

Peace


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## turningthepage (Apr 11, 2014)

Not sure if you are even looking for comments but here is my 2 cents on your 'muse' eyesopen.

I'm at a similar place as you are with regards to my feelings about my past marriage. I had the bomb dropped on me 2 years ago after a 25 year marriage. She moved out right away. I'm fine now and when I look at things logically and rationally, I realize we were not that compatible. However, there are still times when I get sentimental and sad about how things turned out. This is natural I'd say and really an opportunity for me to become more self aware.

In my case my WAW and I had love for each other but as time went on we both took each other for granted. Seems to me women need constant reassurance they are beautiful and desirable. If we don't give that to them they will find that affirmation elsewhere. No one ever said this relationship stuff was easy. 

I like the way you are looking at things eyesopen. I also want to learn and understand all I can about my feelings and what is probably at least some codependent thinking.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

turningthepage said:


> Not sure if you are even looking for comments but here is my 2 cents on your 'muse' eyesopen.


Sure! 



turningthepage said:


> I'm fine now and when I look at things logically and rationally, I realize we were not that compatible.


You know, for years I was afraid to go to a meditation course. You know why? Because I was terrified that I would learn that I did not love my wife. I don't know if things get any more clear than that. If it walks and quacks like a duck, right? But I always tried to overlook those thoughts as just some crazy thinking or other was born of, I don't know what.
I know that we are not the most compatible. Not in a negative way, we never in our 13 years of marriage had a serious fight, and we had a lot of good things together. But she says we are fundamentally different, and I know it's true. Still, I never saw these differences as something that needs to pull us apart, but I guess they did. It is very true that while I love and adore many things about her, there are things I never got from her such as feeling intellectually challenged (no, she is not unintelligent) or realizing that although I enjoyed our sex life, much much more is desired/needed (by me at least). There are examples in many other areas.



turningthepage said:


> In my case my WAW and I had love for each other but as time went on we both took each other for granted. Seems to me women need constant reassurance they are beautiful and desirable. If we don't give that to them they will find that affirmation elsewhere. No one ever said this relationship stuff was easy.


You can say that again. Boy did I take her for granted. Not in a using or abusing type of way, but, well, just by being passive about so many things. In truth I thought she just understood me so well and let me be. Yes she did voice once or twice that she wanted this or that to be different, but no where near in the voice that (in my view) should be used to signal that there is a serious problem (that why they are called WAW right?). So yes, yes of course, women do need constant reassurance, to be emotionally looked after, etc etc (not because they are needy, it's just how they are).


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