# So here I sit again guys...another night...



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

...she's in the living room, I'm in the office, kids are outside, and I just want to go in there and scream at her (which I've never done) "Are you REALLY willing to give all this up JUST because you're not interested in sex????" and "If you'd just have meaningful sex with me, ALL OF THIS would go away!!!! And I'd stay!!!"

WTH???? Is having sex with a man such a big deal that you're willing to give up everything you have as a family?

I will never understand. OMFG I just don't get it. Is it "honor"? Is it "pride"? Is it "I won't give in?" So she's willing to go through divorce and being a single mom rather than just have sex together? Like we've done 100 times in the past?

Men are stupid, women are crazy.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I feel your pain  It was the reason I ended my marriage. 

I realised after the divorce that it wasn't because he was LD, it was because he just wasn't that into me. I went through the pain, ended it and am now happier than I could have ever thought.

I hope you can find or do whatever it is that will bring you happiness.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow, man...sorry you're going through that. Scary truth from me is my wife (Regret214) and I had a good sex life. Until shortly before her affair began. Then, it was pretty much as you've described. I was lucky if I got lucky once a month.

F'ng sucked, man. But I'm glad stuff turned out the way it did and we're on the path we're on. Now...well, 4-5 times a week is normal and has been for the last 6 months.

I haven't read your back story, so - are you guys going to counseling or anything?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Is she a nun or she's just not that into you?


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## c2500 (Aug 17, 2011)

Mine said she was happy I had finally shut up about the sex thing...this was after reconciling and ultimately falling apart...from her affair. She had a new guy...it was her job...as well as whoever she is now screwing. We wen from sex literally everyday for 4 months when dating...to hardly at all. Give it up cause she does not want it. She is fufilling her needs another way.

c2500

*I am jaded so take me with a grain of salt*


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> I just want to go in there and scream at her (which I've never done) "Are you REALLY willing to give all this up JUST because you're not interested in sex????" and "If you'd just have meaningful sex with me, ALL OF THIS would go away!!!! And I'd stay!!!"


Yes!! I think you should go in there and shout this... even if you just get to vent. Don't hide your anger, fear, frustration etc... over this.

What do you have to lose?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> ...she's in the living room, I'm in the office, kids are outside, and I just want to go in there and scream at her (which I've never done) "Are you REALLY willing to give all this up JUST because you're not interested in sex????" and "If you'd just have meaningful sex with me, ALL OF THIS would go away!!!! And I'd stay!!!"
> 
> WTH???? Is having sex with a man such a big deal that you're willing to give up everything you have as a family?
> 
> ...


And as George Carlin said....

"Men are stupid and women are crazy. And Women are crazy because men are stupid" 

Seriously, I know how you feel. I'm less important than "her time" and reality TV. Honey Boo Boo or some other drivel... Lack of sex seems like such a crazy thing to end a marriage over ( ? ) I've got a plan though. I'm giving it one more year of effort. We'll see then.

Edit to add: I hate F'n TV!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A switch got flipped in her head. And unless she is willing to explore what the problem is and fix it... she's stuck where she is with you.

I know this from experience. My ex is like this. He just decided that sex was no more and that was that. He'd say that he wanted to fix things but would never put any effort into it. 

So we're done.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

3 days is my maximum of not speaking... No sex max is a week (unless a valid excuse)...
The roommate thing i just cant do. As soon as i feel that vibe i snap. 

I would have said exactly what you were thinking. Good luck, brah...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

A sex for a woman starts in her head. So much day to day crap erodes the calm we need to feel sexy. And most women have no idea how much sex is a real need for a man. I know I didn't. I don't think most men know how much nonsexual touch and cuddling is a need for women. We don't just want each other. WE NEED each other, but we need different things from each other. If you can get her to vocalize what she needs from you, and then give it to her, maybe she will take more care of your needs. I hope. For both your sakes. Best of luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> ...she's in the living room, I'm in the office, kids are outside, and I just want to go in there and scream at her (which I've never done) "Are you REALLY willing to give all this up JUST because you're not interested in sex????" and "If you'd just have meaningful sex with me, ALL OF THIS would go away!!!! And I'd stay!!!"
> 
> WTH???? Is having sex with a man such a big deal that you're willing to give up everything you have as a family?
> 
> ...


Sounds to me you’ve made it all about sex. If that’s the case, what do you think its all about from your wife’s point of view, perspective, how she sees things and would summarise the situation between the two of you?

Worse thing you could do on the planet is to continue making it about sex. Because if she’s playing you all you’re doing is telling her, demonstrating to her in no uncertain terms that her “game” is not only working but its having its desired effects way beyond her imagination.

For example if she resents you and is out for revenge, is actively doing things to wound and hurt you then you are quite literally showing her your wounds and the pain associated with them. Passive/covertly aggressive/violent people love that type of stuff. They lap it up like its food for them because it tells them their PA is working.

You may have to face and accept the fact that you are with a woman who intentionally, consciously, willingly and knowingly actually sits down and plans how to wound you and then carries out those plans.


You are so caught up in your ego mind consciousness that you are unable to see these things, if indeed they exist in your wife and therefore your marriage. Just because you are not able to deliberately and consciously wound and hurt your wife doesn’t mean she isn’t capable of doing those things to you.


You’ll see a lot more of what’s actually going on by getting away from your ego mind consciousness and developing your observer consciousness and you do that by reading http://www.amazon.co.uk/Awareness-A...5192/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346613803&sr=8-1. Also start getting into “Mindfulness”, there’s a lot about it on the internet. This awareness thing is a journey, like a journey of discovery and the lessons you learn will be life changing for you. That is, if you read the book.


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

so sorry you are going thru that.....but as others say she turned the something off somewhere.....and scream or yell ....text her.....write her do what you have to do....and then if there is no hope I am so sorry so very sorry


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She hasn't had sex with you in what 11 years? 

She likely figures if you haven't left now then you probably aren't going to.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A switch got flipped in her head. And unless she is willing to explore what the problem is and fix it... she's stuck where she is with you.
> 
> I know this from experience. My ex is like this. He just decided that sex was no more and that was that. He'd say that he wanted to fix things but would never put any effort into it.
> 
> So we're done.


I think you're exactly right.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> She hasn't had sex with you in what 11 years?
> 
> She likely figures if you haven't left now then you probably aren't going to.


:iagree:

She's well into her comfort zone if this is true, BG...pull that rug out from under her, let her be a single Mom, and go find some true happiness. This isn't living.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So why didn't you scream it? You say you've never done anything like that before...try it and maybe it'll shake her up a bit and get her attention.Show some passion and anger...she's leaving anyway so what can it hurt?You never know,maybe having you do that will stoke some hidden sexy feelings she might have buried under that closed leg exterior.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> So why didn't you scream it? You say you've never done anything like that before...try it and maybe it'll shake her up a bit and get her attention.Show some passion and anger...she's leaving anyway so what can it hurt?You never know,maybe having you do that will stoke some hidden sexy feelings she might have buried under that closed leg exterior.


:iagree: *What have to got to lose.....that isn't already gone? *


Now go scream at that woman. Tell her you WANT her NOW!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> She hasn't had sx with you in what 11 years?
> 
> She likely figures if you haven't left now then you probably aren't going to.


That's it right there. She doesn't believe that you have the sack to divorce her. You pay the bills + support her in other ways. She doesn't want to have s*x with you, and sees no reason to. This relationship is working for her at some level, and she can do it for another few decades...easily.

If you want major change in this marriage, you are going to have to destroy the foundation it's currently built on. Accept your fate, or file on her.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Well, I think I would be taking a pair of wire cutters to the TV cable....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What kinds of conversations have you had with her regarding this? Have you ruled out physical problems?

Does she know sex is important to you in the marriage? If she feels it isn't important, will she allow you to open your side so you can find sexual relief elsewhere?


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## engneer319 (Sep 13, 2012)

Hey BG. I know how you feel. I've been separated since Feb. and I felt the same way as you. If she would just give me sex, everything would be fine. 

Most men have a very strong need for sex. It fills a very strong emotional need for us. When a woman is in love with her man, she wants to fulfill his needs, and actually gets pleasure out of it. 

When a woman is NOT in love with a man, it becomes "he only wants me for sex". 

She has already gone to this place in her mind and heart and you aren't going to reverse it. You can either live in a loveless marriage (which many, many people do) or you can leave, fix yourself and find a new partner. 

I'm telling you from experience man, if she "loves you, but not in love with you", it is too late to fix your marriage. She has been thinking about this for a long time and she has made her decision. She will live like this for the rest of her life it sounds like. She will let you fulfill her needs for a father to her kids and a person to talk to and complain to, but believe me, she won't give you sex. Now you have to decide. Are you going to stay in this marriage or leave? Believe me brother, break ups suck and are incredibly painful, but pain causes change. If you deal with yourself you will be a better man when you get through this. If you stay, nothing will change and one day you will wake up and be 82 and say WTF?

Best wishes to you man.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Screaming and getting angry is contrary to all the advice I have been reading and receiving on here. Apparently is causes a woman to lose respect for her man as he appears to not be able to control himself. The last time I got a angry and raised my voice my wife left the house and later told she felt unsafe and the next time she may call the police. WTF? 

I often thought a fun thing to do would be to disconnect the cable and run a new cable to into the room I was in. Hook it up to a camera and voila you're on every channel. Call the it " The Sex Starved Man Show" or something like that...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

engneer319 said:


> Hey BG. I know how you feel. I've been separated since Feb. and I felt the same way as you. If she would just give me sex, everything would be fine.
> 
> Most men have a very strong need for sex. It fills a very strong emotional need for us. When a woman is in love with her man, she wants to fulfill his needs, and actually gets pleasure out of it.
> 
> ...


Yeah, you know where I'm coming from bro. I'm sure we'll end up divorced. I'm close. Last night I was just more aggravated with her than normal. I have to get out of the house. I just get stressed and angry being under the same roof with her. Every single night.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What books have you read on marriage?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> What books have you read on marriage?


Gosh...not sure I can name them all. Will have to glance on my bookshelf when I get home.

Love Dare
Five Love Languages
Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay
No More Mr. Nice Guy
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok. What did you get out of NMMNG?


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## engneer319 (Sep 13, 2012)

Hey BG. Want to share something else with you. For me, I needed to cut off ALL contact with her in order to really start the healing process.

She will keep you around because you are fulfilling needs for her. Women have a very strong need to talk and share and you are fulfilling some of those needs and everytime you do it, there is a hope inside you that she will reciprocate and fulfill your need for intimacy with her. When she doesn't, it effing hurts like a mother.

It got to a point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I have cut ALL contact with her. Her phone number is blocked on my phone. No texts, no phone calls and no conversation. I am not going to fulfill her needs when she won't fulfill mine. 

Will tell you this, the first few months alone REALLY suck, but it is getting better and better everyday.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

engneer319 said:


> Hey BG. Want to share something else with you. For me, I needed to cut off ALL contact with her in order to really start the healing process.
> 
> She will keep you around because you are fulfilling needs for her. Women have a very strong need to talk and share and you are fulfilling some of those needs and everytime you do it, there is a hope inside you that she will reciprocate and fulfill your need for intimacy with her. When she doesn't, it effing hurts like a mother.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I can't do that. We have two children, 13 & 10.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Ok. What did you get out of NMMNG?


Well...it was my very first Kindle book and I hated not being able to flip back and forth to pages, so I finished it and then bought a hard copy. I'm going to re-read it and take a few notes this time.

But I did agree with a lot of the descriptions as fitting me in many respects. And I truly have tried to please everyone else my entire life. Some say I had a mid-life crisis about 5 years ago. But one person said to me "Maybe you were just being you?" I think they were spot-on. I stopped caring so much about what I was "supposed to be" and it felt great. I mean, I didn't become irresponsible or anything. But unfortunately I ended up back home and back in my old rut. Not completely but enough that I'm not being me again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, in the meantime, pick one thing you feel you give in on, in your life. Determine that, starting tomorrow, you will NOT give in on it, no matter who you're dealing with. It will make you feel good. It will build your confidence. Just one little thing.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

nandosbella said:


> 3 days is my maximum of not speaking... No sex max is a week (unless a valid excuse)...
> The roommate thing i just cant do. As soon as i feel that vibe i snap.
> 
> I would have said exactly what you were thinking. Good luck, brah...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I would be perfectly happy with sex once a week regardless of who it was with.


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