# Wife wants one night stand... please help.



## tchung84

Probably like a lot of members here and on most forums. I don't usually do this but I am at my wits end...

Thanks for taking the time to read my question. First off, a little background, so that you can better understand the situation. I am not looking for comments in regards to anything other then my original question, so I would respect that you respect that request.

My wife and I are both 28 years old and have a three year old daughter together. We have been married for five years now. We were initially married under the wrong conditions. My wife was a illegal immigrant. We were dating at the time when she told me this, we had a long discussion and I decided that I would help her out with her papers. After 6 months or so of being married we got pregnant. Our relationship hasn't been the best relationship. We tend to disagree on a lot of different issues. We have different interests. We get in to arguments pretty often, not big ones but none the less.

Recently about three days ago, my wife dropped a bomb on me. She straight up told me what I would think of if we could have an one night stand each. I immediately blew up and called the idea crazy and abnormal. I asked her where this was coming from, she said that she has only has two sex partners, one of which was me her whole life. Then this spiel about how we only live once and that she does want to stay together and doesn't see herself spending her life with anyone other then me. I felt like I was getting spooned fed bs. Our sex life has been pretty rough lately, it is mainly due to my wife. She has never been completely comfortable in our sex life. No doggie, no oral, bra on, only missionary. I have tried my best to deal with this, and this has been going on for about three years now. When she proposed this idea, it only enraged me more because of her lack of enthusiasm in our bed room. How dare she even suggest that idea when she has never even made an effort with me. Sorry to rant.

I also recently found out that she has been flirting with a guy in her acting class, recently meaning about two weeks ago since this proposal came up. She denies that she wants to sleep with anyone she knows, she swears.. But how big of a coincidence can this be for me to ignore this.

How can I believe this proposal will end with an one night stand? How can I believe that she won't contract a disease or invite a psycho into our lives that will potentially harm my daughter?

Her ultimatums are: her proposal, counseling (the idea of even justifying this behavior sickens me), or divorce.

I want to keep my family together but this burden is too much for me. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you...


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## lonewolf8545

I think your opening up a can of worms if you let her do this, not to mention you'll never be able to look at her the same. 

If you let her do it, you end up divorced and if you don't you may end up divorced anyway. Keep your dignity and put your foot down and tell her no way.


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## tchung84

Absolutely that is exactly what I said, this desire that she has for an one night stand will never go away. Plus I would never look at her the same after and even now after the suggestion... I have some big decisions to make... =(

Thank you lonewolf8545!!


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## Lon

Sounds like you entered the marriage under false pretenses and for her it stayed that way but for you it changed.

My advice? I don't know, it's hard for me to empathize in this circumstance, I am not judging you at all though. For your own sake I think its time to set a boundary, you would be rightly in your place saying it's time for her to be your W or end the marriage, but I'm afraid you probably already know the answer because she isn't acting like a woman that wants to be married to you.


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## KathyBatesel

That's a situation I wouldn't allow to complicate things. Are you going to consider counseling?


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## homebuilder

I would tell her she could have all the one night stands she wanted cause I was filing for divorce!!


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## tchung84

Lon - I respect that you left the majority of your judgement about the other aspects of my marriage out of your comment, eventhough I know they equally play into things. Your advice is really helpful, thank you for your input!

KathyBatesel - I doubt the effectiveness of counseling plus I don't want to be persuaded to believing this behavior is ok in my marriage. Plus she has emphasized her desire for this... Thanks!

homebuilder - This is the direction I am leaning towards but not so bluntly. I mainly wanted to hear everyone's opinions in this matter. Thank you for you vote!


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## Maneo

Based on what you've described, it sounds like this relationship has been based on a number of less than perfect decisions. This one night stand, if carried out, would be in my opinion going from bad to worse. 

It is telling I think how you are viewing your relationship when you refer to possible " harm to my daughter" rather than possible " harm to our daughter."


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## tchung84

Maneo - wow, subconsciously did that huh...? thank you for that comment. Yes a path filled with missed decisions. I want to make this work for my daughter because I don't want her to grow up in a broken home. I know we would both be there for her but I doubt it would be the same. But I think I already know the answer and now its the rationalization and the determination of how and why... Thank you Maneo!


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## IsGirl3

Holy F*CK!!! No way in this universe would I ever agree to that madness, unless I was out of my mind. She wants her cake and eat it too. So she's wants your blessing to cheat?? that's nuts. and she's giving you an ultimatum? unfortunately, I think the only way she'll be happy is option #3 although you should start with option #2 - counseling. #1 is off the table.


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## arbitrator

Mr. T: Judging from your initial posting on this thread, I can't help but believe that your W is already fastly involved in an EA with this "acting dude." Truth be told, it may have even escalated beyond that, richly given your description of only just the 'placating' sex that is being offered to you. 

What I'm saying is that she may have already seen fit to experiment, to some degree, with this guy after class. And it's so apparent that he's definitely the object of her attention who she wants to have this ONS with~ absolutely make no mistake about that!

I think it would be worth your time to investigate things a tad deeper~ her cell phone logs, texting logs, FB postings and messages. It seem's that she has emotionally detached from you and is now offering up her wares to this new "love interest."

No woman in her right mind would ever ask her husband for permission to participate in a ONS with another male. My advise is that if she won't consider counseling to constructively deal with this, then you're much better off ditching her~ it's apparent she doesn't love you!

And if I were you, I would also get myself checked out for STD's. When she's busy making suggestions like that, you don't know who, or where, or when she's possibly been sexually active outside of your presence.

I wish you well, my friend!


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## anchorwatch

Your description of your sex life and the fact she has already pick out another sex partner illustrates her lack of sexual attraction towards you. I don't know how much counseling will help that. You can't counsel a woman to see a man as a sexual partner that would fulfill her erotic desires. 

If I were in you situation myself, the art class comes to an end, she never contacts this man again, I confront him, I consult a lawyer to understand my options about divorce. I tell her those are my boundaries for a marriage and they are not negotiable. 

Second, I'd evaluate why she does not find you sexually desirable. What's your sex rank? Is she a higher sex rank than you? Are you fit, have a well paying job, good provider. Are you confident in yourself? Do you get hit on by other women?

I could go on but read this book, maybe you might see what I mean. 

Married Man Sex Life

Sorry for your situation.


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## bfree

arbitrator said:


> Mr. T: Judging from your initial posting on this thread, I can't help but believe that your W is already fastly involved in an EA with this "acting dude." Truth be told, it may have even escalated beyond that, richly given your description of only just the 'placating' sex that is being offered to you.
> 
> What I'm saying is that she may have already seen fit to experiment, to some degree, with this guy after class. And it's so apparent that he's definitely the object of her attention who she wants to have this ONS with~ absolutely make no mistake about that!
> 
> I think it would be worth your time to investigate things a tad deeper~ her cell phone logs, texting logs, FB postings and messages. It seem's that she has emotionally detached from you and is now offering up her wares to this new "love interest."
> 
> No woman in her right mind would ever ask her husband for permission to participate in a ONS with another male. My advise is that if she won't consider counseling to constructively deal with this, then you're much better off ditching her~ it's apparent she doesn't love you!
> 
> And if I were you, I would also get myself checked out for STD's. When she's busy making suggestions like that, you don't know who, or where, or when she's possibly been sexually active outside of your presence.
> 
> I wish you well, my friend!


I hate to say it but I agree. I think it might have already progressed into a physical affair. Usually when one spouse suggests a ONS or an open marriage they are already having sex with someone other than the spouse. I hate to say this tchung but you'd be wise to get busy protecting yourself and your daughter. You said she was an illegal alien when you married. Be careful she doesn't decide to take your daughter out of the country if she thinks your marriage is ending.


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## the guy

You mentioned that *both* of you get to have a ONS. It sound to me like your chick would feel less guilt if you went out and slept around like she is.

I suggest you do your own investigation with regards to your ladies commitment to the family....it will verify your next step you take.


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## Toffer

I agree with a few of the poaters when I saw this:

"I also recently found out that she has been flirting with a guy in her acting class, recently meaning about two weeks ago since this proposal came up. She denies that she wants to sleep with anyone she knows, she swears.. But how big of a coincidence can this be for me to ignore this"

She's either already involved at least emotionally and could have already wandered down the physical path to some extent

You may want to start snooping QUIETLY and don't accuse her of anuthing

Get a keylogger on the PC, Check her cell phone records for ALOT of calls/texts to 1 or 2 numbers you don't recognize (look for texts sent late at night or erly AM or when you're at work)

Last buy 2 voice activated recorders and put one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Keep the other one so you can switch them out

Read up in the CWI section here and good luck!

"


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## arbitrator

bfree said:


> Be careful she doesn't decide to take your daughter out of the country if she thinks your marriage is ending.


That is stellar advice! Get to your lawyer's office pronto to fully discuss your and your daughter's rights! 

The only one that she really needs to deport, along with herself, is her "Johnny-Come-Lately!" Then once out of the country, they can "one-night-stand" until they absolutely can't "stand" each other anymore!


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## Caribbean Man

This woman is disrespecting you, man.
Why are you allowing her to walk all over you?
The only way she could come up with this idea is because she thinks you will ** _understand her needs_. **
Bad sex life ,
Sex with her bra on?
She's not into you .
I'm thinking she used you and is not " in love with you "
Again,she thinks she could fool around and you will 
** understand her needs .**


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## Wiserforit

We can't ignore the circumstances of getting married for the wrong reasons. 

Interesting that she would demand counseling as one of the options. Why not, if you can both be honest. But my inclination is that this has bad written all over it.


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## Decorum

It is quite common for , say a wife, to be FAR MORE adventurous with an affair partner that the betrayed spouse, in fact I would say it is the norm.

The issue of her being attracted to you is one we deal with here all the time, the book recomended above A Married Mans Sex Life, is a must read!

Its not a sex manual its about staying attractive to your spouse even after "domestication", sometimes we let the edge get dull a bit, plus it speaks about what really attracts woman.

If you can keep from fighting and be just a bit detacthed but available she may be more workable.

Dont be needy or try to be extra nice though.

I also think she wants the dude in the class and is an "EA" already.

If you follow some of the stragetys in the MMSL mentioned above and run the program you may win her before the divorce is final. They usually take some time.

If you have not you can read the newbie thread in the coping with infidelity section.

Its a saying around here that you have to keep winning and dating your wife, you want to become her far and away best option.

But no, I think it would be foolish to take the ONS offer, you will just be slitting your own wrists.

Let us know what you do.
Take care!


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## RClawson

Tchung,

I suggest this as a counter proposal, no way do you do this, counseling and possibly sex therapy to figure out what is going on with you and us, and if you decide to stray absolutely divorce.

I also suggest you talk to an attorney now about how to make sure your child is never taken from the country without your permission.


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## sandc

There is no way you should allow this. She is probably already in a relationship with this guy from her acting class, she is now looking for you to bless this relationship. 

Tell her the only way you would ever condone her having sex with anyone else is if you are no longer married. Let her know that if she ever does this, it is instant divorce. AND FOLLOW THROUGH.


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## Entropy3000

tchung84 said:


> Probably like a lot of members here and on most forums. I don't usually do this but I am at my wits end...
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read my question. First off, a little background, so that you can better understand the situation. I am not looking for comments in regards to anything other then my original question, so I would respect that you respect that request.
> 
> My wife and I are both 28 years old and have a three year old daughter together. We have been married for five years now. We were initially married under the wrong conditions. My wife was a illegal immigrant. We were dating at the time when she told me this, we had a long discussion and I decided that I would help her out with her papers. After 6 months or so of being married we got pregnant. Our relationship hasn't been the best relationship. We tend to disagree on a lot of different issues. We have different interests. We get in to arguments pretty often, not big ones but none the less.
> 
> Recently about three days ago, my wife dropped a bomb on me. She straight up told me what I would think of if we could have an one night stand each. I immediately blew up and called the idea crazy and abnormal. I asked her where this was coming from, she said that she has only has two sex partners, one of which was me her whole life. Then this spiel about how we only live once and that she does want to stay together and doesn't see herself spending her life with anyone other then me. I felt like I was getting spooned fed bs. Our sex life has been pretty rough lately, it is mainly due to my wife. She has never been completely comfortable in our sex life. No doggie, no oral, bra on, only missionary. I have tried my best to deal with this, and this has been going on for about three years now. When she proposed this idea, it only enraged me more because of her lack of enthusiasm in our bed room. How dare she even suggest that idea when she has never even made an effort with me. Sorry to rant.
> 
> I also recently found out that she has been flirting with a guy in her acting class, recently meaning about two weeks ago since this proposal came up. She denies that she wants to sleep with anyone she knows, she swears.. But how big of a coincidence can this be for me to ignore this.
> 
> How can I believe this proposal will end with an one night stand? How can I believe that she won't contract a disease or invite a psycho into our lives that will potentially harm my daughter?
> 
> Her ultimatums are: her proposal, counseling (the idea of even justifying this behavior sickens me), or divorce.
> 
> I want to keep my family together but this burden is too much for me. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
> 
> Thank you...


I would choose divorce.


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## the guy

3E, thanks for the like.

I just caught something that got me bewildered, *her* ultimatum is three things and one is counseling...what in the hell does she think she is going to get out of counselling that would remotely promote her view point?????????

Dude, counseling would be in your favor, but I could be wrong ...I came across some worthless counselors that didn't listen and worked ther own angle in getting a repeat customor.

I did find one and that was my anger managment guy ...he has his sh1t together. but with a room full of convicts your better have your sh1t together...

Any way back to point. What is her thought process with regaurds to counseling being one of her ultimatums?


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## sandc

the guy said:


> 3E, thanks for the like.
> 
> I just caught something that got me bewildered, *her* ultimatum is three things and one is counseling...what in the hell does she think she is going to get out of counselling that would remotely promote her view point?????????
> 
> Dude, counseling would be in your favor, but I could be wrong ...I came across some worthless counselors that didn't listen and worked ther own angle in getting a repeat customor.
> 
> I did find one and that was my anger managment guy ...he has his sh1t together. but with a room full of convicts your better have your sh1t together...
> 
> Any way back to point. What is her thought process with regaurds to counseling being one of her ultimatums?


Maybe she already has the counselor picked out.


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## ladylover

A real one night stand would lead to heart break for both of you. A "one" night stand so to speak with her husband would be a great idea. Try to get her to open up and tell you what it is she wants sexually. I was repressed sexually, thought having an affair with someone would begin the process of having fun, but it didnt work. I learned alot after that affair, but felt terrible for years. Try to establish good two way communication with your wife. Best of luck to you both.


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## TrustInUs

I know it's already been said, but you don't just jump from only having sex in one position, not taking your bra off etc, to wanting a one night stand. It sounds to me as she's just using you and will continue to do so as long as she can get away with it.

The fact that she wants a ONS and doesn't care if you have one is very telling. Heck, the fact that she even brought it up makes me think she is feeling guilty that she may have already done so.


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## tm84

Consult a lawyer about divorce and securing that your daughter isn't taken out of the country by your wife. That's the only thing left to do about this situation. You are, and have been, nothing more than a convenience for her. It's time to make her life inconvenient. Just make sure that you have an exit plan ready (legal custody of your child, divorce papers, etc...) before you announce any plans for divorce.


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## canttrustu

Caribbean Man said:


> This woman is disrespecting you, man.
> Why are you allowing her to walk all over you?
> The only way she could come up with this idea is because she thinks you will ** _understand her needs_. **
> Bad sex life ,
> Sex with her bra on?
> She's not into you .
> I'm thinking she used you and is not " in love with you "
> Again,she thinks she could fool around and you will
> ** understand her needs .**


CM- what you dont believe it? A woman has needs ya know. This one's "needs" happen to include having other men laying all over her. :scratchhead:

OP- you teach people how to treat you. Thats all I can say.


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## old_soldier

homebuilder said:


> I would tell her she could have all the one night stands she wanted cause I was filing for divorce!!


This is excatly what I told my exwife when she suggested we have an open marriage, after I caught her boinking a guy in our livingroom. Trust me man, you do not want to be married to a woman like that. If you deny her the opportunity, she will just seek it out behind your back.


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## marty39

I think that marriage started with 'wrong motivation' can't be happiest...if you understand what I want to say


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## 3Xnocharm

You do your daughter no favors by staying in a marriage where there is such disrespect and no love. ( I have seen NO mention of love, so it seems safe to assume) Your wife is not into you, and I agree with others that she has probably already crossed this line. The expression of desire for a one night stand would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## nogutsnoglory

give her the ONS she is looking for but you be the OM. Take her to bed and take over. Rip the bra off her tell her to stuff it. Roll her over and bang the **** out of her.
If she ever was "in love with you" and I am not sure about that fact, then what she needs is a real man in the bedroom and her fantasies are met with boring vanilla sex. You say it is due to her, but you have put up with it as well, and that makes you look like a weak man to any woman. Nail her to the wall and if she still wants OM's **** then let her have it and leave her at the border.


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## chemdude

Dude.... no. IM sorry man


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## Plan 9 from OS

Old thread. OP last posted in this thread in January.


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## 6301

Here's what you do. Tell her that you would be ok with it BUT!! You insist on meeting her perspective partner. This has to be a big condition. Invite the guy over. Once he's there tell him this

"Want her? Think she's some smoldering firecracker? Think your in line for one of her famous BJ's? Think you'll sink your hands on those bare breasts? Think you'll be holding on to her butt for dear life while doing doggie? Have fun but when you bring her back we'll have a beer and we'll talk about how much of a dud she really is and then you can take her home with you because she won't be living here any longer". Then call immigration and turn her in for lying.


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