# So I decided to leave my husband!



## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Hi, I've been married now going on 8 years...back in 2019 I first posted on here talking about how my marriage lacked intimacy amd communication. Fast forward 2 years later, and I've finally decided to separate myself from my husband. I calmly expessed to him everything that has been going on, the issues I've been having with him which he was already aware of. Now he is trying to make me feel guilty in wanting to end things, telling me that I'm selfish and that I shouldn't focus on the past which involves him wanting to play his video games all day and nothing else, and him losing his temper over little things and giving me the silent treatment. I mentioned us seeing a marriage counselor 2 years into our marriage, but he said he didn't believe in that. So I eventually disconnected myself emotionally from him as the years passed by, but didn't want to leave because I didn't want to be seen as the bad guy. He's been trying to reconcile with me the past couple of weeks and telling me he's sorry about everything and will change to be a better person for me. I accept his apology, but I have no desire or willpower to want to make things work with him. He had his chance for 7 years to do so and he chose not to. I don't except the fact that he wants to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong for wanting to leave, and he says I don't have the right to make a final decision like that. I've been staying at my mother's house and I honestly feel great being here, I don't miss him much honestly. He's been calling me everyday pouring his heart out, but it's becoming bothersome. My tone is always calm with him, but I think I need to be more firm with him with my approach, but I don't want to come across as being more brash and cold. I would be interested in getting some feedback and advice on this, thanks.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You don't have kids, so why even bother answering his calls?

Did you talk to a lawyer about leaving the house?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You do have the right to make a final decision like that. The kind thing for you to do is explain to him that he didn't water the tree and now it is dead, and there is no point in watering it now. If you're not in the mood to be that kind, that is your prerogative.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cms01 said:


> Now he is trying to make me feel guilty in wanting to end things, telling me that I'm selfish and that I shouldn't focus on the past





cms01 said:


> He's been trying to reconcile with me the past couple of weeks and telling me he's sorry about everything and will change to be a better person for me.


^^THIS^^ is nothing more than him pulling every rabbit out his hat he can in order to manipulate you into staying. He's talking out both sides of his mouth: On the one hand you're selfish, then he changes his tune and tells you he's going to change. I call total b.s. on his nonsense.



cms01 said:


> I think I need to be more firm with him with my approach


Want to be firm? Block his texts/calls. You're done. Don't give him any hope of reconciliation. And, if you feel you have to say something to him, consider this: "Discuss whatever you desire through my attorney." Seriously.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

bobert said:


> You don't have kids, so why even bother answering his calls?
> 
> Did you talk to a lawyer about leaving the house?


I only answer his calls just to be polite and not come across as rude.
And no I haven't talked to a lawyer... thankfully we only rent the house and own no property together, we just have some debt together.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> You do have the right to make a final decision like that. The kind thing for you to do is explain to him that he didn't water the tree and now it is dead, and there is no point in watering it now. If you're not in the mood to be that kind, that is your prerogative.


I like your watering the tree analogy... and that's basically how it is....the tree has been dead for a while.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

cms01 said:


> I only answer his calls just to be polite and not come across as rude.
> And no I haven't talked to a lawyer... thankfully we only rent the house and own no property together, we just have some debt together.


He is just trying to manipulate you, whether he realizes that or not. Chances are (if you gave him another chance) he MIGHT make changes for a little while but they certainly wouldn't be permanent. 

You can be nice while still enforcing your boundaries. 

Make sure you can get off the lease without any issues now or in the future (if there are future missed payments, damage, etc. You don't want that coming back to you or hurting your credit). Have you spoken to the landlord?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ask him to throw away all his video games, delete them from his computer, end any subscriptions to gaming sites, remove all games from his phone.

then have him start "dating" you again, so you can see if he has woken up from his childish fantasy world!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have already moved out & told him you will be divorcing. You are being firm with him It's time to go see a lawyer. There is nothing else to say to him. You are emotionally done. Just get this over with already.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

cms01 said:


> *I like your watering the tree analogy.*.. and that's basically how it is....the tree has been dead for a while.


I actually can't take credit for it.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS^^ is nothing more than him pulling every rabbit out his hat he can in order to manipulate you into staying. He's talking out both sides of his mouth: On the one hand you're selfish, then he changes his tune and tells you he's going to change. I call total b.s. on his nonsense.
> 
> 
> 
> Want to be firm? Block his texts/calls. You're done. Don't give him any hope of reconciliation. And, if you feel you have to say something to him, consider this: "Discuss whatever you desire through my attorney." Seriously.


Yea I made the mistake of giving him hope by chatting with him on the phone for nearly 4 hours... he was doing most of the talking, but now he feels it's ok to call me and talk non stop. I know now that I have to stop answering his calls.


Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS^^ is nothing more than him pulling every rabbit out his hat he can in order to manipulate you into staying. He's talking out both sides of his mouth: On the one hand you're selfish, then he changes his tune and tells you he's going to change. I call total b.s. on his nonsense.
> 
> 
> 
> Want to be firm? Block his texts/calls. You're done. Don't give him any hope of reconciliation. And, if you feel you have to say something to him, consider this: "Discuss whatever you desire through my attorney." Seriously.


Oh and yes he has been very manipulative throughout all of this.. he even threatened to kill himself by consuming an entire bottle of melatonin supplements while we were on a video chat, but then he spit them out and he then threatened to slit his wrist....in the beginning it was just too crazy and stressful seeing him behave that way. But I then realized it was all an act.


bobert said:


> He is just trying to manipulate you, whether he realizes that or not. Chances are (if you gave him another chance) he MIGHT make changes for a little while but they certainly wouldn't be permanent.
> 
> You can be nice while still enforcing your boundaries.
> 
> Make sure you can get off the lease without any issues now or in the future (if there are future missed payments, damage, etc. You don't want that coming back to you or hurting your credit). Have you spoken to the landlord?


Yes I have seen the manipulation in many forms and that irritates me. I'm honestly not interested in seeing him make changes...too late for that, but I definitely don't wanna seem rude or cold with him because it's not my nature, so I will remain nice but will have to enforce some boundaries for sure.
I haven't spoken to the landlord, but he did mention that he will remain living there and was more concerned about our joint debt which is from our income taxes that we owe, so that's something we will need to figure out to pay off together.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

cms01 said:


> Yea I made the mistake of giving him hope by chatting with him on the phone for nearly 4 hours... he was doing most of the talking, but now he feels it's ok to call me and talk non stop. I know now that I have to stop answering his calls.


There is a middle ground, and if you have any charitable impulses it is kinder than either of these.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re giving him hope by doing that. He isn’t going to stop until you tell him to.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cms01 said:


> I haven't spoken to the landlord, but he did mention that he will remain living there and was more concerned about our joint debt which is from our income taxes that we owe, so that's something *we will need to figure out to pay off together.*


Uh, no. And that's a hard NO. The problem you have is you keep engaging with this clown. What do you think attorneys do for a living? They negotiate things like who-gets-this and who-pays-that. BTW, if you filed a joint return, it means both of you are responsible for paying the taxes. How that is divided is what an attorney will know.

Time to stop being so naïve and expecting your estranged husband to provide you with rational, mature responses. He may be manipulative, but YOU are responsible for allowing this nonsense to continue. 

YOU are the one who continues to be his audience. And WTF is up with speaking to him for FOUR hours? Jeesh. Enough already.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

If you are a done there's nothing really put you back I know that feeling. But before you make that choice is... 8 years pretty long time being together. Even though you make that decision. I have feeling you will back to him.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

cms01 said:


> Oh and yes he has been very manipulative throughout all of this.. he even threatened to kill himself by consuming an entire bottle of melatonin supplements while we were on a video chat, but then he spit them out and he then threatened to slit his wrist....in the beginning it was just too crazy and stressful seeing him behave that way. But I then realized it was all an act.


At least you recognize this as a manipulation tactic. However, if you have not alerted your in-laws to these threats you should. My EX committed suicide. You really don't want to be in a position where you have any doubts about your conduct or role in his bad choices if he does act. I am not saying his death will be your fault but protect yourself just in case. If you have any inkling that he's serious call the authorities. In most places they can put him on a psych hold. 

As for your landlord & the tax debts you will need to get both of those legal matters resolved Do not leave them solely to him. You have legal liability & he could screw you over if you are not careful / proactive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I went back and reread your thread from 2019. I remembered it very clearly. Girl you are being way too nice. Cut him off. If he calls, let it go to voicemail. Let him know that you’ve been generous in allowing him to voice his feelings and give his side of things and now you’re done. He’s still controlling your life and not giving a damn about how you feel, and it’s time to put a stop to it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why haven't you called 911 when this manipulative piece of crap threatens suicide?

Let EMS cart him off for 72 hours. He'll either get help or he'll be far less inclined to try it again.

Stop. Answering. The. Phone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are far too emotionally invested in being "nice." You want to end this? For cryin' out loud, why the hell are you speaking to him for FOUR HOURS??? Seriously, this isn't healthy or normal. Be done already. Just because the marriage is over and you don't want to engage this man doesn't mean you're a cruel person.

You're done with him. WTH do YOU really care what he thinks about you???? Jeesh!


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