# **** Love



## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Love and hate.

Both contain four letters.

You can love without hating.
You cannot hate without love. 
Hate feeds off of love.

No Hate, no Love............ settles out finally...into Indifference.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Love and hate.
> 
> Both contain four letters.
> 
> ...


*Indifference and fear ~ that's Arb's whole problem!*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

One day she will understand when it is too late....you can always love the woman you married, the woman you fell in love with but today she s not that woman, today she biting, disrespectful, mean and heartless, she is not that same woman. ...I think you will find as you move and the slowly subsides you will feel better with your decision.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

We hurt the ones we love the most. Ever hear of this? I was in your shoes, I remember feeling like you do now. You can do one of two things, stay in your marriage, get out of your marriage. Both are going to cause pain and heartache. There is no easy way, there is no quick fix, there is no way you can continue to live this way. You need to choose, then stand by that choice. I also suggest you get into IC.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


IMO....the most important thing is to realize you have to love yourself more.

Your love cannot control or save her from her crappy life choices.....all you can do is prevent her from utterly destroying you and your life as well.

Expose her to all friends and family, expose POSOM to his BW......then get on with removing this traitorous woman who spit on the love you gave her from your life entirely.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Travelking,

You have created 3 threads for your situation, and that will not help us to help you manage your situation. Please stick to one thread so we can focus on the strategies you need to move forward and heal.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Is this the reason you've suddenly decided NOT to tell the OM's wife about the pig she's married to? Because you're hoping that keeping their dirty little secret for these 2 cheaters will gain some favor for you with your wife?

Do the right thing and tell that poor betrayed wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Indifference and fear ~ that's Arb's whole problem!*


Nope, not true.

We have all read your posts.

Looked at your posts. 

On the wooden ones:
Seen the knicks, scars, knots, knot holes.

*You are NOT indifferent.
You are fearful.*

As you should be. We all should be.

Women are strange creatures. 
Like water, you can not hold them, they flow through your fingers.

Men are simple.
Simple, selfish and deadly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Nope, not true.
> 
> We have all read your posts.
> 
> ...


*You are simply wise beyond your years, Sun! 

Thank you, my friend!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *You are simply wise beyond your years, Sun!
> 
> Thank you, my friend!*


How old am I?

Not the Sun Screen.

Screen Name.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I have been in your shoes. After a 30 year marriage she ran off with one of my "friends" I hated him, and her. I spent over a year so low I couldnt function. Today 6 years later, I am happier than I was the last 25 years. Now when July 10th rolls around (DDAY) instead of crying I want to buy the POSOM a case of wine! Thanking him for rescueing me. Time is the answer, and unfortantely it is the only answer. But dont let them ruin your life, live for you. It can be done, I am an example.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


Unfortunately it is human nature, the heart want what it wants and people often want what they cannot have, while others abuse those who care for them the most. You have to move on for your own sanity.
Do the 180 immediately so that you can emotionally disengage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> How old am I?
> 
> Not the Sun Screen.
> 
> Screen Name.


*You may not be as aged as this antiquated old fart is! 

But you're certainly a hell of a lot wiser!*


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


I think a lot of times we don't actually love the person we're with, we just love being in love. We're at our best when we're in love. Like the Foo Fighters ask "Is someone getting the best of you?" Go find someone worthy of your best.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


So you are confused about why she does not feel the same about you as you do about her? Simple - she does not love you. She loves herself above all. Don't try to understand this - you will never be able to do that. It is just the way she is and will always be.

Move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TravelKing,

I our worst pain, we want to know WHY, and try to solve the problem of what we could have done differently. I truly think that in a lot of cases, there was nothing we could do. Things happen that can't be explained. Why a tornado hits one house and skips the next. 

Understand this: You will never know exactly why she did this. You will never understand what happened. But I can tell you this:

ONE DAY YOU WON'T CARE. And it will be a great day when you DGAF about all this. I promise you, it will come. Don't wallow in self pity (not saying you are, just that I did and it's easy to do), don't sit around wondering, don't SIT. Go do something. Anything. Find yourself another woman to love when your mind is clear. Truly, your wife is not worth all the worry and pain you are feeling. Don't let her devalue you, and let her steal your dignity. Move on and be happy, if only just to spite her. 
I'm sorry bro. I have been there.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

travelking, if you are worried by exposing that OM wife kicks out the POS OM and your wife runs off with him so be it. Better to slap iron to a dagger wound than to slowly bleed out. 

She is deep in the fog and she is not coming back soon. If she does you may not want her back. Make the choice yours. Expose to OM's wife before he spins a web of lies portraying you as a crazy person. Use the leverage you have, don't let it dissipate by inaction. The time to strike is when the iron is hot.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why is she cold? Because she doesn't love you and she doesn't care that you love her. 

That doesn't mean you won't be her Plan B when the OM doesn't marry her and she suddenly decides she madly loves you and wants to R. So be prepared.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I believe you are showing signs of codependency. We should not be so "in love" with someone that we can allow them to treat us like garbage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


I understand completely. I have been there. The love for the other takes some time to diminish. Then it starts to become outright dislike, disdain and in some cases hatred. For me it became dislike to feeling nothing at all. Time heals TK. Give it time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can be in love with her.

But please don't allow her to remain in your life as she either will not or cannot love you.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> I believe you are showing signs of codependency. We should not be so "in love" with someone that we can allow them to treat us like garbage.


I don’t think he’s showing signs of codependency. I just think this is all really fresh and new for him and he’s having a problem reconciling it. My husband cheated and we’re still together, but there are times I look at him and I just don’t even know what I’m looking AT. It’s like he’s a different person now. He almost looks different. Reconciling who someone has shown you they ARE, compared to what you thought they WERE is enough to throw anyone for a loop. 

It’s a very sad and sobering thought to look at someone and realize just how many awful things they did to you, while simultaneously thinking “but I loved you so much”. And that love doesn’t just stop. Yes, you’re hurt, angry, sick to your stomach, whatever the case may be…..but all of those years of love don’t just go away.

His heart is at war with his mind right now and that’s a really, really tough place to be.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I don’t think he’s showing signs of codependency. I just think this is all really fresh and new for him and he’s having a problem reconciling it. My husband cheated and we’re still together, but there are times I look at him and I just don’t even know what I’m looking AT. It’s like he’s a different person now. He almost looks different. Reconciling who someone has shown you they ARE, compared to what you thought they WERE is enough to throw anyone for a loop.
> 
> It’s a very sad and sobering thought to look at someone and realize just how many awful things they did to you, while simultaneously thinking “but I loved you so much”. And that love doesn’t just stop. Yes, you’re hurt, angry, sick to your stomach, whatever the case may be…..but all of those years of love don’t just go away.
> 
> His heart is at war with his mind right now and that’s a really, really tough place to be.


I agree. But, the difference here is that she appears to be disinterested in R. She loves the other guy and wants him to leave his wife and family for her. I understand the pain, and I understand the "not wanting to let go" aspect. They are perfectly normal. However, when the spouse reacts in such a way, we should be able to see through the pain and try to move on. I think in this situation there is little chance at R and pining over her is perhaps a sign that he can't move on.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Not said:


> I think a lot of times we don't actually love the person we're with, we just love being in love. We're at our best when we're in love. Like the Foo Fighters ask "Is someone getting the best of you?" Go find someone worthy of your best.


Sometimes it's not being at your best, but knowing that you have that comfort to fall back upon. Love is "supposed" to last through best and worst, not give up. The ones we open up the most to have the keenest ability to wound.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> I agree. But, the difference here is that she appears to be disinterested in R. She loves the other guy and wants him to leave his wife and family for her. I understand the pain, and I understand the "not wanting to let go" aspect. They are perfectly normal. However, when the spouse reacts in such a way, we should be able to see through the pain and try to move on. I think in this situation there is little chance at R and pining over her is perhaps a sign that he can't move on.


I am in a similar situation. I can still say even though most of me is like **** that mfin ****face mc****head, I can still get into the why, and the what if, and the could haves, and the woe is me, and the omg will anyone ever love me the way I thought/hoped he did. Because I still do even if I get up every day and do what has to be done. I think/hope it's normal?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Love and hate.
> 
> Both contain four letters.
> 
> ...


I hated a boss once. I'm pretty sure that I didn't love him first.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I hated a boss once. I'm pretty sure that I didn't love him first.


Good eye..

I was waiting for the counter..argument.
..........................................................................................................
You have friends and family that you do love.
You do know what that entails, this love and respect thing to/from other people.

Since this man gives no good vibes, decent feelings of respect and kindness; things people who love you [and you them]...out comes the hate.

*It is a comparison feeling; hate is.
*
A comparison to love.

Having no love leaves only hate or indifference. Love ameliorates hate, lessens it. 
In the case of your boss, [to you] he has no good qualities, loving qualities to fend off hate.

Hence, hate feeds off the[lack of] feeling of love. The sensing of love. 

Passion is cold without love, hate, the same.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> I agree. But, the difference here is that she appears to be disinterested in R. She loves the other guy and wants him to leave his wife and family for her. I understand the pain, and I understand the "not wanting to let go" aspect. They are perfectly normal. However, when the spouse reacts in such a way, we should be able to see through the pain and try to move on. I think in this situation there is little chance at R and pining over her is perhaps a sign that he can't move on.


I meant reconcile in the terms of ‘coming to terms with’ who she is and what she’s done. As in this definition:

To make (one account) consistent with another, especially by allowing for transactions begun but not yet completed.

Not as in:

1.	restore friendly relations between.


The fact that she doesn’t want to R might be making this what is harder for him. We see all the time on here that people are caught cheating and then they beg and plead for the spouse not to leave them, they’ll stop, they want their marriage, etc. And then the posters are able to say yes let’s fix this or no way in hell. OP isn’t getting that. He’s getting the cold shoulder and no apology from WW, no begging to stay together, etc. That could be throwing him for a loop. Wondering why she doesn’t care enough to not let him go. It’s a sobering thought to think the person you loved the most won’t fight for you at all. When I cheated and my husband wanted a divorce, I remember the thing that hurt the most was that he was just so willing to walk away without a fight. Trust me when I say, I get it more now but in the early days when all I really thought about was my own pain, that was the most confusing part. OP could be struggling with that too. 

I don’t see it YET as a sign that he can’t move on, just a sign that he’s hurt and hasn’t yet come to grips with it all. I know for me, it was stages. I’m still IN the stages. I’m currently at the stage where, yes, it happened and he did all of these horrible things. But I either need to accept that it happened and move forward or accept that it happened and leave. That step has taken me 9 months to get to.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I meant reconcile in the terms of ‘coming to terms with’ who she is and what she’s done. As in this definition:
> 
> omake (one account) consistent with another, especially by allowing for transactions begun but not yet completed.
> 
> ...


Good post. I think you may be right. I just hope he doesn't waffle too much on this. His only viable option to heal is to file and try to cut ties as quickly as possible.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*God only knows just how much I want to love and trust a woman again! With what I've been through with my two cheating wives, is it no small wonder that I'm literally scared crapless of ever entering into a third relationship, no matter how loving, saintly, and trustworthy that the lady might be!

I do know that if they have ever willingly cheated in any of their prior relationships, that that fact, among others, gravely constitutes a deal-breaker in my book!

I know that my stance is tantamount to a bank not wanting to hire a former embezzler within its ranks! 

At my ripe old age, I absolutely yearn to love again, but I am still petrified at the prospects of having my heart torn out of my chest, yet again, for a third time and then summarily trampled on! 

I yearn for an old lady who loves me enough to be around whenever they see fit to haul my decrepit old carcass away to the cemetery, and that she'll love me enough to be there to shovel a spade of dirt or two in on top of me!

Notwithstanding, it will take one hell of a woman to get me to see that rationale, clearly and truthfully, to the point where I come to lose enough of my fear to unconditionally love and trust a wife again! 

It could well happen, although I still remain both guarded and somewhat skeptical! *


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What's love got to do with this? In your case nothing useful really. Feelings when you are parting ways don't help but hinder. 

Her love for you died. She was responsible for keeping it alive. She failed. You kept yours alive; you didn't fail. I know there is no consolation, but there is integrity and sadly only you possessed it in your marriage. 

Don't dwell on feelings, they are of no use. Focus on your new found freedom and living a great life after you are free. Allow time to do your healing. Sadly, our friend time is the only ally that will get you through acceptance in this cycle of grief your cheating wife threw you into.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> Good post. I think you may be right. I just hope he doesn't waffle too much on this. His only viable option to heal is to file and try to cut ties as quickly as possible.


If she has no interest in R (this time I mean the restore friendly relations definition  ) then yes, he should file and move on as quickly as possible. Not by any means that this is up to her – HE is now in charge of whether or not he should continue in this marriage. And given the fact that she has not stopped the affair, has not stopped communication, is not apologizing, groveling etc., exactly what he should do is end this marriage. 

Should she decide to stop the affair, and you know – become a human being with empathy towards the man that she swore to love til death do us part – then MAYBE something else could come of it.

But while she’s in ‘the fog’ and being a selfish you know what, he should use no other option but to move on.

Easier said than done though. Been there, done that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...


Sometimes, people get fd up in their heads so bad that they need a really sharp blow to clear their heads, figuratively of course.

Let her have it with both barrels! Expose her and OM. Go cold on her, 180. Start blowing the 💩 out of her little fantasy and she might start waking up.

Whether you ever want to be with her again or not, this is the best approach to a spouse who is thinking with their crotch.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Read the article below to learn the various stages of love. The first kind of love is when you want to be with her all the time and are blinded by his or her faults. That goes away after a few years. Just read the article and learn why her love is not the same as before. Sometimes we project our feelings on those we love and are shocked to learn that they do not feel as deeply as we do. Love is just a chemical mix in your brain as are all emotions, and therefore subject to change. Also, people change over time. What you got is not what you want anymore.

https://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-passion-last-four-stages-love-t108471


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Good eye..
> 
> I was waiting for the counter..argument.
> ..........................................................................................................
> ...


It's something interesting that I haven't thought much about. I think I agree that hate that is not born from love, often is less intense. Exceptions would be hatred of a prison guard or captor that spent years torturing the captive.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

because you don't love or respect yourself enough to move on without her. 

fear..maybe But I'll bet you get to the point of no return sooner or later. It just tales some longer than others.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately the heart is a slow learner.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

While the harsh reality that she doesnt want to reconcile is a very bitter pill to swallow, it actually is a good thing...if handled correctly. My xw moved out and into the home of a "friend" within 24 hrs had an attorney with the instruction to get the divorce done! Within the same 24 hr period I was given a list of wants and a very reasonable monetary demand. (.10 on the dollar). I asked her to go to counseling and she said no 3 times over the course of a few days. When I heard the 3rd no, I was devestated. I so wanted to reconcile, but her firm resolve, lead me to finalize the divorce in 84 days, at a discount! It hurt it was so final, but in retrospect I didnt have to decide if I wanted to R or not, didnt have to decide if she did or did not love me, (she didnt). I gave it three tries, on the third strike she was out. I know people who are in their third year of divorcing as they cant decide what they want, thats way worse. OP is maybe lucky in the long run.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

travelking said:


> Why do we as humans continue to love people we know are bad for us. Why do we try to make someone stay or make someone love us who simply does not? My wife of 8 years ripped my heart out cheating with another man who is married and despite all the BS we have been thru I still love her. Ive not been perfect, but I have tried and it bothers me that so easily you can throw love away for something that is temporary. I told her (as a friend first) that this man will never leave his wife and kids for you and she continues to think that he will. While I ****in hate her, I really still love this woman and Im finding it hard to let go-even though I know its the right thing to do. I pray my children will be ok and get thru this but never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cold to someone who loves them so much...




I was you really once, married my first love and never met a woman so beautiful (outside of a magazine) I could not imagine life without her and then we were no longer together but for a few weeks I'd get up early pick up pastries and coffee and got where home use to be. My wife let me and didn't say a word for a couple of weeks and then she put a stop to it.......and then it was just me on my own.....it really seemed strange....anyway it got easier and then a couple months went by and she called...she needed an attic stairs put in and I did that but it had a tiny little noise WD-40 took care of BUT she just couldn't shut up about it and as I was driving away I was thinking. Damn I am glad I am no longer have to go home to that........you will get there too. Look at this divorce as a new beginning tonthe rest of your life. The next woman you meet that pulls at your heart strings make sure you have common interests and make sure she likes the same things you like in bed otherwise you may be looking for wife # 3 at somepoint


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Jonfun (Sep 27, 2017)

I am also struggling, finding it so hard. I just don't know how people can do that to families.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Simple: cheating spouses are selfish, cowardly pieces of shet.


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