# Is an affair always destructive?



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I used to think so, but now not so sure. Im in the same boat as other high sex drive spouses on here with a spouse that will says no all the time... he would be happy without sex for the rest of our lives. I feel vital and healthy when I have sex. Basically being in the sexless marriage has made me very resentful of the promises made to each other to take care of one another... I take care of my spouse, but there is total refusal to take care of me, without a word. My spouse would be happy just to have secret lives and pretend everything is ok, so ther eis "peace" in the house. 

I never thought I would ever have an affair, but found another married person not looking to leave their own marriage but who is also rejected in the sex department and we are filling those needs for one another. Surprisingly, we return home happy. I thought there would be guilt or shame, but its boiled down to a need being met that wasnt being met. 

BTW, Im the wife not the husband. Re-reading this it appears as if I have the same needs as a man... sexually I do. Its not emotional (altough it can be), its a phyiscal need like brushing ones teeth. I get solitude from it and after years of rejection, it is nice to have that fulfilled. I wish it could be with my husband, but he refuses and refuses to talk to me about anything sexual... at all.

Just wanted to know if there is anyone else that believes maybe the marriages in most other countries have it right and its in America wher its taboo and wrong that we have problems more than those other countries?

In otherwords, if it makes home life happier, and each person in the marriage happier, than why is it bad?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

whynot said:


> In otherwords, if it makes home life happier, and each person in the marriage happier, than why is it bad?


Would your husband be happier if he knew of your affair? What of the other man's wife? Kids??

There are other people involved.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

whynot - I can totally see your perspective. I'm in the same boat of having a very high sex drive compared to my low drive spouse. I have sometimes wished I could find another married person that loves their spouse and doesn't want to leave the marriage but has a high sex drive; and we could fulfill our sexual needs with each other. Logically I think in my head that I would be a happier person and my wife would be happier because I wouldn't be 'bothering' her for sex. I think that probably for a time that it might actually work to make both people happier.

In one sense you think - what they don't know can't hurt them, right. Which is true. As long as you treated your spouse the same and it didn't disrupt your relationship with them. The problem is I think that while maybe it can start out that way eventually problems will arise. 

If you're spending time and energy on someone outside of your marriage then that does affect your relationship. How long would it be before you get horny and start putting off doing things with your spouse so you can go get your sexual frustrations worked out? I think probably for a time people can keep things strictly sexual, stay somewhat emotionally disconnected but eventually one of the people will start to develop feelings for the other person. The other person will sooner or later become more then a sexual escape. If you have a fight with your spouse or other problems arise, over time that other person will be someone you confide in and a relationship naturally develops. 

Like I said at the beginning if the other spouse didn't know it wouldn't hurt them but something like this, it can only go so long without someone finding out. Unless your spouse agreed to it at the beginning I would bet that it would become pretty destructive to the relationship once he found out. And you can't say it wouldn't happen to you because it can happen to anyone. 

I totally sympathize with your situation, very very much. In my head I know what a completely weak person I would be if I found myself in your situation. If I found myself in a situation with an opportunity to have sex with someone else I would. But I think after wards I would feel so guilty that I wouldn't be able repeat that mistake. I would not put myself in that situation again.

I think that open relationships might be able to work for some people but that has to be an open agreement or it will be destructive if things ever come to light. I think based on what I've read here and elsewhere that often that doesn't turn out well either long term though.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

Most likely it will have a bad effect. How long did you contemplate this before taking action? How did you find the partner? How long has it been going on? Have you talked to you hubby about physical needs (you mentioned he doesn't talk about it, but how long before acting did you broach the subject again?) That background would be helpful.


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## no_excuses99 (Apr 16, 2010)

Have you ever stopped to think what would happen if your emotions did get in the way? Then it would no longer become need that is fulfilled, but a void in your current relationship. It sounds like things would only get more complicated as it went along.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Would your husband be happier if he knew of your affair? What of the other man's wife? Kids??
> 
> There are other people involved.


Im not saying by the others knowing about the affair. It takes the pressure off the other spouses who dont want the sex.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

We still ask like usual, because we treat our respective families the same as before, but the no is easier to hear and there is less resentment when hearing the no bc each of us knows we will have some sex soon. It is actually completely physical, we both love our families and love sex and neither of the spouses want sex at all.

For this man and I its as if our spouses said that we couldnt have any water for the rest of our lives... water is essential to life, and to me and the man, sex is as well. I never speak in terms of "we" or "us" when referring or thinking about this other person. It really is physical and will stay so. Maybe this man and I are wired diferently, but it works. I think if feelings ever started to deveolp there would be a cut loose policy, it would need to end and both are ok with that.

Why is it wrong if it helps all the adults be happier?


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

piqued said:


> Most likely it will have a bad effect. How long did you contemplate this before taking action? How did you find the partner? How long has it been going on? Have you talked to you hubby about physical needs (you mentioned he doesn't talk about it, but how long before acting did you broach the subject again?) That background would be helpful.


I thought this through for a the past 2 years. I have been trying to talk with my husband for 3 years and seriously for 2 years. I truly believe he is asexual because he is happy to not have sex in our marriage, and doesnt want to talk about it or change or spice things up... just doesnt want to have it. He literally will say "if it has anything to do with sex, Im not talking." I tried just coming on to him, I tried playing coy, I have tried everything. I have even tried just leaving him alone and that is when he is happy and not stressed out. Maybe he is gay and in the closet or something, but its a complete refusal to meet my needs when I take care of him in all the ways he desires... cook clean family etc.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I think you should have one more 'sex' conversation with him. Tell him your needs are not being met, but you don't expect him to meet them. Offer this as an alternative, but let him know it's important to you to have his agreement. 

It shows respect to him on a couple of different levels to have this conversation. You respect his lack of interest in sex and also don't want to be sneaky. But, you have needs and are asking him to respect that your needs matter too.

I would reconsider your choice of sex partner, though. Does his wife know and approve? It sounds like not. You are involved in possible destruction of another family. If your husband approves the right for you to seek sex outside the marriage, I think you should only involve yourself with others who are single or have the same permission.


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## cutephatchick30 (Apr 26, 2010)

Mrs. Whynot i understand you very well. Im kinda going through the same thing. For 2 or 3 years i have expressed my feelings in details about our sex life to him. He just doesnt try. I just turned 30 and i have had this sex drive that just wont stop. Im tired of talking so i found someone just to fulfill my needs and i do come home happier and he doesnt seem to notice if he does he doesnt act different. I feel like he thinks its too much work to please me. Hello its called foreplay!! He says its stress and work but that excuse worked months ago.its has been months since he touched me.so i feel the need to get it somewhere else. I love my husband and dont want to be with anybody on this earth for the rest of my life but him. But i do have needs


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

bumpandgrind and cutephatchick... thanks for understanding. I posted about this alos on the infidelity board and got reemed out. I guess that was not the best place to talk about this. Its going well and actually may be ending it soon because my husband has finally stated to initiate sex... its a miracle! Maybe he was having an affair and now its done... who knows. I had gained a few pounds from all the stress and rejection and was no longer his body type at all... he likes skinny. All I know is that having it with someone else for a few weeks and not asking him for it seemed to work. It got my spirits up and took pressure off of him... he enjoys just getting into bed at night and going to sleep... every night... so the past few weeks have been a slice of heaven for him.:toast:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will he stay married once he knows?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

cutephatchick30 said:


> Mrs. Whynot i understand you very well. Im kinda going through the same thing. For 2 or 3 years i have expressed my feelings in details about our sex life to him. He just doesnt try. I just turned 30 and i have had this sex drive that just wont stop. Im tired of talking so i found someone just to fulfill my needs and i do come home happier and he doesnt seem to notice if he does he doesnt act different. I feel like he thinks its too much work to please me. Hello its called foreplay!! He says its stress and work but that excuse worked months ago.its has been months since he touched me.so i feel the need to get it somewhere else. I love my husband and dont want to be with anybody on this earth for the rest of my life but him. But i do have needs


Hmmm, and in your other thread you state your husband left you two months ago. Coincidence??


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## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

whynot said:


> bumpandgrind and cutephatchick... thanks for understanding. I posted about this alos on the infidelity board and got reemed out.


YES, an affair is ALWAYS destructive and you did not get REEMED out, there are some really positive constructive pieces advice that were written to you on that thread. If only you could stop and read them.

It is so wrong, even worse because someone else's marriage is involved, I wish you could SEE that. 

Am sure there is a lot of LYING to your spouse and the OM's spouse whenever you go for your "secret sex dates". Secret obviously because it is WRONG.

Think of all the people that would be hurt when (not if) this "secret" is out. Please think for a minute.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Think of all the people that would be hurt when (not if) this "secret" is out. Please think for a minute.[/QUOTE]

This is very true and please don't misunderstand this statement. The constant denial of physical satisfaction hurts too! In the long run it usually hurts more than one person, as in familys because of ineveitable seperations. Lies are never ok and this is a train I hate to ride but I bought my ticket at the alter and I can't get off till it's over, one way or another.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Divorce or affair?

I chose divorce. I can honestly say I never cheated on my stb-x, emotionally or physically. Maybe a case could have been made that for the kids sake, an affair would have been better. They'd get to have Dad around, Dad would be happier, etc. My wife had even suggested an open marriage a couple of times - told me I could go find sex elsewhere.

The downside message would be to my boys - "You aren't getting affection from your wife someday? Go seek it elsewhere." 

I wasn't comfortable with sending that message so I chose to send the other message.

But I don't judge anyone for choosing Path a or path b. 

I am just not in a position to.

How could I say when I was at that divergence of the path before me that what I chose was any better than what someone else chooses? 

They are just different paths.

It's a Devil's choice.

The people having affairs have their families intact and cohesive but are living a lie and cheating (or if it's open, just ignoring the marital contract). The people divorcing are honest enough but the family is fractured.

It would be nice if everyone worked on their marriage and repaired wrongs but that's just not the way it works in real life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I do not agree with the sneaking or secrets or bringing another man who is hiding into this affair BUT I also feel when you take vows, consentious continuous (hopefully desirable) Sex IS vital part of these vows, it is expected as it should be, does anyone go into marriage feeling otherwise? 

His denying is equally as CRUEL as her breaking these vows. Is he not breaking them towards her ? Who really started this - Is it the wife's fault for gaining a few lbs? The husbands fault for loosing desire possibly - which led to refusing his wife? 

Why is this husband less guilty than this wife? Did he cheat, someone mentioned he left for 2 months?

Of coarse we only have one side of the story here. Her willingly taking part in possibly hurting another family is another thing entirely - which gets most of us angry. 

Yes, she should have a heart to heart with her own husband & see if they should divorce / separate. IF HE (and her) still wants to continue this marraige (for the kids, financial) & refuse her sexual intimacy, He should care enough to allow her to get her needs met in a way that helps her feel loved & keeps her spirit alive, that would be "loving, considerate". Or if he wants her to loose X amount of lbs to gain his desire back, they can work on this- together (best senerio!). 

Something has to give here.

To expect her to be celibate after 2 -3 yrs of desiring sex with her refusing husband (if all of this is true) well, I feel for her situation. I feel my own spirit would break under such circumstances. It would becaome so easy to "fall" -nomatter how wrong it is, just to get by in life -for a little happiness. 

My 2 cents is just that I can't judge her more harshly than her husband on this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He may be guilty in a DIFFERENT way - not meeting her needs - but he is NOT committing adultery. 

BIG difference.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> To expect her to be celibate after 2 -3 yrs of desiring sex with her refusing husband (if all of this is true) well, I feel for her situation. I feel my own spirit would break under such circumstances. It would becaome so easy to "fall" -nomatter how wrong it is, just to get by in life -for a little happiness.


Would your mother agree with this decison?

Would your father?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> Would your mother agree with this decison?
> 
> Would your father?


Accually My mother had little sex drive so my frustrated father did "fall" into the arms of another - and went on marring her & they have been very very very happy for 30 + yrs -- and my mother totally understood why he did what he did and DIDN"T 
Blame him - she saw HER hand led to his actions ! 

So yes, my parents would understand. 


I think sometimes we need to consider what the other is going through instead of only looking at ourselves & what they did to US, or maybe looking more at ourselves to see WHat we can do for our spouse so these AWFUL things don't have to happen. 

All starts with communication, compromise and caring for the other hurting party. This wife is hurting. That is why she is where she is, it started with hurt, not the intention to hurt. 

Maybe his started with hurt too. I have no clue! Is it ONE spouse who cares only, or 2 hurt spouses who refuse to come together and heal this situation? 

How many more years should she sacrifice her own Joy & happiness, supress her resentment & pain to a man who vowed to love & cherish her above all , sleeping next to him every night while having to use a dildo/vibrator for her release sexually- while she is ever dying inside. Noone should have to live a life like that. 

His actions (this case NON action) has brought on 
HER Re-actions. He has a hand in her infidelity. 

Just my opionion, I do not expect anyone to accept this , 
I do not even condone this! Just that I do have "sympathy" for her situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> *He has a hand in her infidelity.*


:rofl:
You're serious?!



> So yes, my parents would understand.


Well, then, it's no wonder you feel that way - your parents taught you it's ok to cheat. Did your husband know before you married that you would cheat on him if he didn't 'satisfy' you?

We all have empathy with her - to a POINT.

If you don't want to be with a person who won't meet your needs...DIVORCE HIM. Don't become the person people whisper about, the one kids tease your kids about, the one who gets shunned because you let your 'needs' overrun your (supposed) moral teaching.

No, she shouldn't have to live a life like that. She should grow some backbone and divorce him.

NOT CHEAT.

Not unless she tells him FIRST "You're not giving me any, so I'm going to go out and get some." If she had said she did that, and he was fine with it - BEFOREHAND - I couldn't care less what she's doing. But she is LYING to him.

ETA: I just want to add that I feel like I sound rude to you, amorous, but I don't mean to be. You can believe anything you want, and I'm not pretending to be any better or worse than anyone else. I'm sorry if I came across as judgmental.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My dad didnt hide anything from my mom, sorry if I did not mention that , it was all out in the open. No lying. My mom did not love him the way she should have, she really shouldn't have married that young. So what I learned from my parents mistakes is NOT to get married TOO soon, and really do what YOU want in life, not what someone else wants you to do, you need to know what MAKES YOU HAPPY deep within- before you can make another happy. Is it a career or is it being married & having children? My mother wanted a career, not marraige & kids. Sure I suffered a little bit from that, but I also learned from them. I in no way repeated their mistakes. 

I have never cheated on my husband, nor he on me. But yes, he knows /is fully aware that our sex life is very very important to me, if it goes, so will my spirit. He vows that will never happen, and I trust him in that, he has never done anything to have me question that. He is an exceptional man - I am very blessed, infact spoiled. 

But not everyone has this. 

Just cause I can sympathize with another does not mean I have shared that experience.

And Turnera: I also agree with you wholehearily on the point that SHE should be OPEN & honest about what she is doing - with her husband. Just doing that may even wake the man up, or it will cause a divorce, but IT will force the issue, and it NEEDS to be forced, not hidden, not ignored.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't I know it. I always advise people not to marry before they're 25 at least. There's just too much people need to do nowadays before they're ready to settle down, and not doing so so often breeds resentment, secrets, and worse.

I actually am pretty practical about most things, and believe communication can solve most anything. And if people want open marriages, I have no problem with it - because it's agreed on beforehand. It's just that infidelity is, by its very nature, NOT communicating. I hope she does the right thing, one way or the other.


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## Cherryfest (Apr 21, 2010)

An affair brings happiness and improvement in a marriage yes, but's that because the other person doesn't know about it  therefore it DOESN'T bring an improvement or happiness to anyone other than the selfish person seeking gratification for themselves. As another reply said, look at the husbands, wives and children who are unware of the affair, look at THEIR measure of happiness if they did find out!

Either talk with your partner before it gets to this stage, or leave. A marriage based on cheating isn't worth anything


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Actually there is no overt, active lying going on. Im home and the OM is home during the day... we meet when kids are in school.... nobody even knows anything, no lies need to be told like "Im working late" or "going out for a run or coffeee". There is only withholding of information. I have posted quite a bit about this on the infidelity forum since this post. I left alot out in the initial post here...

husband had a 7 year affair that I found out about a year ago. In order to stay together he had to cut contact with her. He was requested by therapist to allow me access to emails, phone etc... he said ok to the therapist and then never allowed me access and dropped out of therapy. He has been punishing me for a year now (witholding sex and then manipulating sex saying we will have it anf then saying nevermind not now). He also still denies anything. I had to befriend the OW and once I learned she had left an abusive marriage I confided in her the abusive behaviors of my husband (her lover). She has been in town for the past week and coincidentally husband has been nice to me out of the blue. Dont know if something ended with her finally or what, but its suspicious that he all of a sudden is being nice and interested in me and us again. 

My affair was not to get back at him, but like simplyamorous said, I was dying inside from the constant refusal to meet any need of mine (even outside the bedroom), so I took happiness into my own hands and then my sexuality into anothers. 

Itake care of all our needs in the home and the kids, and then even went as far to find out his love busters and eliminated them, so I wouldnt repell him in any way. He was calmer, but still rejecting and mean. The only thing he does is pay rent (I pay all utilities cable and phone and I dont even work... its justifiable child support expenses, so I utilize that). He believes that in and of itself is enough for me, and I should be grateful to have someone who wants to do that much. He doesnt fund the affair, it doesnt take any time away from him... in fact Im a doting housewife whenever he is home. I cook his favorite meals, keep the house clean, do all the things that are on his emotional needs list... acts of service is his main need, if not only. He has been claiming a low sex drive and being too tired or having a headache or gas as his reason for not wanting sex, and now all of a sudden he says he loves sex! Its like I dont know him. One thing I learned from another poster was that if he is comfortable with lying in other areas of his life, then he is comfortable lying about this... he does lie very comfrotably in other areas of his life and I truly believe he would be content to just continue to pretend we are happy and not "mess" things up with coming clean... either of us. It makes me feel very distant from him... but I try to remember the feelings I had early on and continue to adore him, but its getting harder the longer the lies need to be kept up from his denial of his own affair... mine is like nothing.

Now he wants us to work, and be happy. Im finding it difficult to let go of how he has been treating me for so long... he actually intiaited shower sex which I had been asking for for 3 years just to try it out... all I could do was look at him and ask "why now, why not before?" That shows how hurt I am... even a few months ago I would have jumped for joy.

This is so much more complicated than I thought, which is probably why he would rather not talk about it. It will prohibit us from moving forward... anyway, I know its easy to judge this, and it probably looks horrible from both sides. Im just waiting for him to be honest someday and then we can both be honest and move forward or move on. Thanks for reading and suggesting things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whynot said:


> Actually there is no overt, active lying going on. Im home and the OM is home during the day... we meet when kids are in school.... nobody even knows anything, no lies need to be told like "Im working late" or "going out for a run or coffeee". There is only withholding of information.


:rofl:

OMG, I've heard it all now.

"I wasn't lying, officer. I didn't deny killing that man. I just never talked about it. So I didn't lie! See?"

Like I said, I have NO problem with you hooking up with OM one _ONE CONDITION_:

*YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU ARE HOOKING UP WITH OM.*

Do that, and I will support you all the way - as long as your husband knows.

And, no, your husband's affair has NOTHING to do with whether or not YOU can cheat.

So, go for it.

Tell your husband, so we can support your decision.


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## Cherryfest (Apr 21, 2010)

I agree with the previous reply. Honestly if you are trying to justify cheating because your husband did it then you're both as bad as each other. I can understand the 'revenge' aspect but this isn't a one time event out of anger and hurt. Withholding information? Yep, it's called deceiving and sneaking about in real terms. If it's so innocent and brings happiness to an otherwise rotten marriage then tell your husband, give him chance to be in a 'happy marriage' knowing the full scale of what he's now trying to save. Somehow though I don't think you will 
Cheating is never justifable no matter how you gild the lily and only serves to cheapen your own integrity.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I don't normally say it, but honestly whynot, why even stay married? He's not happy, your not happy and it seems like your both unable/unwilling to work at it.  So why stay in a sham?

Sorry if it sounds rude or judgmental, it's just what I think after reading the posts.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> So why stay in a sham?


Because take it from me. . .divorce sucks. It rots. It bites. It's not a panacea for these kind of woes.

Why stay in the sham? Financial reasons. Child-rearing reasons. Etc. There are lots of reasons. I don't regret my choice - I can move forward where the OP here is certainly "stagnant" in her own way but she has chosen a different path.

That's why I am not judging this person. I am not saying it's healthy or "constructive" and I didn't do it but I just can't bring myself to judge her.

Sex is a part of a person's health:

http://static.oprah.com/download/pdfs/health/oz/oz_antiaging_checklist.pdf

Dr. Oz recommends monogamous sex 2-3x/week for "anti-aging". Not that he is the Emperor of health care but if you look at all the other health recommendations in that list, you can see most of them are pretty mainstream and straightforward.

Her husband refusing/not able to/heard all the excuses before myself is frankly hurting her health. 

It's not just some act of gratification you do when you have a spare 15-60 minutes - it's a part of your "health routine" and something you do take care of each other. She doesn't deserve to be neglected.

Now if he was trying and there were health issues, whatever, but he's not even trying. So, she is being very discreet (as best I can tell) and doing what she needs to do take care of her health.

I am not sure how long it's been since she's been intimate with her husband but if we are going to take the 'Moral Majority" position here with her. . .well, what is consummation of a marriage to you with regards to sex? It doesn't sound like this marriage is in a state of consummation to me.

Would the moral majority care to comment on that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, we would. We would REITERATE that if she would just TELL HER HUSBAND THE TRUTH, she can screw as many guys as she wants...as long as HE is ok with it.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Because take it from me. . .divorce sucks. It rots. It bites. It's not a panacea for these kind of woes.


I have never divorced myself, but my parents did divorce. It was not a fun thing to experience, I agree. But their happiness as it stands now isn't anything to write a book about either. It is REALLY unhealthy to stay in a broken relationship where both parties don't communicate with each other. I cannot see where divorce could be worse then what they are going through right now.



Scannerguard said:


> Her husband refusing/not able to/heard all the excuses before myself is frankly hurting her health.


Which is why I said what I said: "If neither person can work this issue out together, a separation/divorce IMO is the right thing to do." That way they can both be released to truly find happiness.



Scannerguard said:


> It's not just some act of gratification you do when you have a spare 15-60 minutes - it's a part of your "health routine" and something you do take care of each other. She doesn't deserve to be neglected.


I completely agree she doesn't deserve to be neglected. But she's taking it outside of the marriage without her spouses approval. By that simple act, she's doing something just as wrong as her spouse. Two wrongs do not make a right.




Scannerguard said:


> Now if he was trying and there were health issues, whatever, but he's not even trying. So, she is being very discreet (as best I can tell) and doing what she needs to do take care of her health.


She's not going out and going to the gym. She's having sex outside of her marriage, big difference.



Scannerguard said:


> I am not sure how long it's been since she's been intimate with her husband but if we are going to take the 'Moral Majority" position here with her. . .well, what is consummation of a marriage to you with regards to sex? It doesn't sound like this marriage is in a state of consummation to me.
> 
> Would the moral majority care to comment on that?


Again, I'm not saying she should just suck up the lack of sex and his refusal to work on it. That's why I'm saying end the marriage and move on from there.



turnera said:


> Yes, we would. We would REITERATE that if she would just TELL HER HUSBAND THE TRUTH, she can screw as many guys as she wants...as long as HE is ok with it.


:iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would be fine if she divorces. She doesn't WANT to. She WANTS the benefits of being married, and to be able to screw whoever she wants. Without telling her husband.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> _I am not sure how long it's been since she's been intimate with her husband but if we are going to take the 'Moral Majority" position here with her. . .well, what is consummation of a marriage to you with regards to sex? It doesn't sound like this marriage is in a state of consummation to me.
> 
> Would the moral majority care to comment on that? _
> 
> Again, I'm not saying she should just suck up the lack of sex and his refusal to work on it. That's why I'm saying end the marriage and move on from there


What I am saying is. . .depending on how long they haven't been intimate, the marriage *IS/WAS OVER.*. It's unconsummated. It's invalid.

In effect, her husband divorced her already.

The only thing missing is a Priest, Rabbi, or Minister to wave their hands over them declaring it over.

To me (and this probably best for a discussion in the infidelty forum and probably why the OP came to the Sex forum to talk to us "infidels"  ), this is not the same situation as when the one guy posted that his wife was very faithful, he enjoyed sex with her and he cheated anyway. That's cheating to me.

This is something different to me. . .almost like "pre-marital" sex. But to me, she is just being discreet, not cheating, because there is nothing to cheat on.

I don't know. . .I have gotten more moderate as I have aged. You don't get to keep your spouse in celibacy just because he/she took wedding vows and you don't feel like having sex, you got gas, whatever.

If you aren't mating, you aren't mates. Mate is a noun and a verb.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If there was nothing to cheat on, she would have NO PROBLEM telling her husband the truth. Because she DOES keep it from him means that there IS something to cheat on - a marriage. That she is not willing to risk. It may be a marriage of convenience, but it's still a marriage. 

If she wants better sex, just divorce the guy and give him the opportunity to make his OWN choices.


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## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

Scannerguard, you are wrong to say that the marriage IS/WAS over and invalid. Whynot wrote this in the "Coping with Infidelity" thread: _*"My husband is already happier with our marriage and he is initiating more with me... it will all lead to the end of the affair very soon"*_ meaning that she's still having sex with her husband and another woman's husband.

So my question to you is, are you ok with her sleeping with another married man behind her husband's back whom she is still sleeping with as well?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

_forgive me if i missed this suggestion by 
someone else but............have u tried/considered a
vibrator or other sex toys/means?

i mean i'd love to give u more reasons why not adultery from the
bible but, u dont seem the type w/ ur reasoning process,
so that'd be a waste of time.

oh well........

peace--------------------------------------------cb45

_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> So my question to you is, are you ok with her sleeping with another married man behind her husband's back whom she is still sleeping with as well?


Nope then. . .then it is adultery. The marriage is valid and consummated and she is cheating.

We have come full circle though on whether it was "constructive" or not if it created some spark of sexuality between him and her husband.

But overall, no. . .I would have to say eventually it will be destructive.

I think the "schism" you will find between frequenters to the sex and marriage forum and frequenters to the infidelty forum is pretty basic - you have spouses over here neglected sexually and over there sometimes you have spouses scratching their heads why affairs happen (which isn't always lack of sex I definitely realize).

I'm sure there is a moderate ground we can all reach.

But yes, if she approaches us as a group vs. approaches you as a group, you'll get different answers and opinions.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow- after reading all of that i am at a loss for words, I can say that i had a good laugh about the whole "We screw when kids are at school and no ones around, so we're not lying" lmao-- u ever hear of lying by omission? ahahahahaha thats the biggest load of crap ive ever heard- its absurd.......

Plain and simple- from your eyes it makes everyone happier, so therefore its good..... BUT if you look at it from your husbands, or the others wife, or the kids, I doubt it will be the same reaction....

And dont think Im some prude who cant understand you.... my husband and I have swinged (softly- no intercourse) a couple of times with another cpl.....BUT we BOTH agreed it would be something fun to try and we BOTH were on board with it.....

You however, are being deceitful and putting your sexual needs over your marriage....not to mention you could play a role is the failure of another marriage.... I would say to TALK to your spouse about it....

Oh and btw you do sound quite hypocritical when you say how you just wish your husband would be honest and open up about his affair, yet YOU are unable to do the same for him..... hopefully you can see that..... ?


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

Well, in theory I guess this will work...in fact actually I know it will work. The key tho for it to work is for you to not get caught, and for neither of you to get emotionally involved with the other person, b/c essentially that is how most people get caught, the other person sends a text, email, facebook message, calls in the middle of the night b/c things "got outta control" and they became emotionally attached. I'm pregnant right now, and i would NEVER ever cheat while i'm pregnant, but honestly if things keep going the way they are sexually later on i will be going outside the marriage to be fullfilled sexually. i have a high sex drive, i always have, and always will...only one man has been able to handle it so far, but he was a sex addict and also tried to choke me to death..so you can see why i didn't stay for the sex. lol. funny thing is men always talk a big game, but they get a woman with a sex drive like a man, and they punk out. good luck!!


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## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

Been five months, how is the affair going?


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## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

This thread could be used as a thesis statement and some serious social research on the different views on cheating. That's what it is. However...if my husband simply refused to stop treating me like crap when it comes to sex (we have it...but it's painful for me he knows it and doesn't care and isn't interested in the least in foreplay), I would start wanting something more too. I can't say I wouldn't do what you have done eventually.
But still...it's cheating...is there no guilt?
You say you've talked about this/mentioned it to your spouse...but is there really nothing that he has said that helps at all. Try again and really let him know it's an issue for you.

You are his and he is yours...RIGHT? He's breaking vows just the same as you are. But you aren't neglecting him. You aren't right...but he isn't either. Seems like it's a bigger deal when the 9ussy isn't putting out...but when the *ick is nowhere to be found it's not a big deal. DOUBLE STANDARD S-T that really ticks me off.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry you have to take drastic measures that wouldn't have to be taken if things could just be figured out.

Good luck..
Bloodymary


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

y have affair in the 1st place when 1 can have mutual understanding to engage with additional partners without the need to cheat?


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## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

If that were the case why did a marriage take place anyhow. You can live together as boy friend and girlfriend...it's cheaper and the only plus of a marriage is combined taxes, but you can do that as live ins as well. What's the point in marriage at all if the two are going to continue f-king everything in sight?


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Bloodymary said:


> If that were the case why did a marriage take place anyhow. You can live together as boy friend and girlfriend...it's cheaper and the only plus of a marriage is combined taxes, but you can do that as live ins as well. What's the point in marriage at all if the two are going to continue f-king everything in sight?


it actually depends on how u see it... which is why some couples promote swinging while some cringe at the mere mention about it...


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## DaMarried (Oct 16, 2010)

Yes it is always wrong to commit adultery. Adultery is a sin.

And what are these other countries that have more extra-marital affairs than the US?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yes, an affair is always destructive to a marriage. Can a marriage recover?

I suppose so, but not to a better place than a good marriage that has not had an affair, IMHO.

To me, it is like how someone who is paralyzed can lead a good life in the wheelchair. But guess what, they always would like to walk again.


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## valaria (Oct 18, 2010)

You need to be honest with your spouse, and your sex partner needs to be honest with his spouse there are certain "rules" to being with someone other than your spouse. #1 is they need to be aware the situation has deteriorated to this point, and if they still can't commit to having sex w/you then you set ground rules for sex outside the relationship. As far as getting "reemed" what works for one couple doesn't always work for another... and I don't believe sex outside of marriage ALWAYS ruins the marriage...commitment, and intimacy and respect are part of your marriage,,,sex is a physical act that doesn't need or REQUIRE any of those properties..sex is mechanics and you do not need to love someone to have great sex... you just need to be able to separate the two and so does your spouse...let your man know you love and want him and will never leave him but if he isn't willing to have a physical relationship (sex) you WILL get it somewhere else...a sexless marriage is not worth the price you will pay, your married not a nun.


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