# X-wife is crazy



## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

So I see my soon to be ex-wife. I signed a joint divorce so she could move on with this new found life. I ask her why she gave up on the marriage. She says I did not give up on the marriage. I replied, "If you did not give up on the marriage and I did not give up on the marriage, why are we getting a divorce?" How can someone honestly think that they decided on the divorce and that they did not give up on the marriage? Can anyone please explain this to me.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Thurm,
My soon to be ex-wife also says the same thing, "I didn't change, I didn't give up on you, the marriage, the kids." Well I DIDN"T want the divorce, I didn't want to move out of the house, not see my kids all the time.

Dude she is gone crazy, she choose this life, the rejection is hers not yours. Don't own it. I've been through the rollercoaster big time the last two months. Ask yourself though, would you rather go through a short term lonliness, etc in order to have long term happiness, or be unhappy with her for the rest of your life?

While I didn't choose my situation, I am choosing to be happy now, take the steps forward to move on.


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I feel that maybe she thinks she did all she could do in the marriage to try to save the marriage. Did she try to talk to you about about problems in the marriage? Things that bothered her? I think she probably feels she did try and there was nothing more she could do so she left the marriage.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

proudwidaddy - I am not taking ownership of the end of this marriage, but since I have been to church I know that I have not been the husband I should be. I am moving forward and since she is deployed I am hoping that God puts the right people around her.

1dayatatime - No, she didn't do all she could for the marriage. She said that I had an anger issue and I went to anger management for it. We tried marriage counseling, but she only went 3 times for it. She never even addressed the event in Korea that she did. I admit I have my faults, but every person has there faults. 

She should at least take ownership of that she gave up on the marriage.


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

ok so there is other issues in play then. didn't know your whole story but it does make a difference. everyone does play a role in the issues in the marriage. no one is perfect but usually one person is the one that breaks up the marriage/leaves the marriage. it sounds like she made it seem like she did everything to the outside world but really she didn't put 100% into saving the marriage.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Avoiding her responsiblity in the end of your marriage? That is all I can think of to explain her words but I am not in her head so who knows may be crazy is the only way to explain it.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Everything she does seems to be illogical. She is always so angry when around me. I know there is a lot of stress because of the divorce, but at the end of the day I did not cause the stress of the divorce on her. I continue to work on myself to be a better person. 

She seems to have reverted back to her 20s. She is 34 and hangs out with mid 20's. All of this has me confused.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

THurm,
My stbxw is 33 and is also acting like she is in her mid twenties again, even though we have two children together.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Everything she does seems to be illogical.


She's not crazy bro. When she was f*cking around on you overseas she had to tell herself lies about you to justify her behavior. This became a set pattern with her. She told herself so many lies that she began to believe them herself and rewrote your marital history. This illusory, fake history of all the wrongs you committed against her is very real to her in her mind. 

I contend that women, more than men, tend to do this to a higher degree because they live inside their heads more than we do. 

I fully expect my wife to begin brainwashing herself. Its going to be interesting to see what kind of mounstrous portrait she paints of me to the people she befriends in the future, even though I treated her like a queen the entire 21 years of our marriage.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

proudwidaddy - Well there are two things I am going to tell you. I am in it for the long haul and only you know when it is time to let go. I been married to this woman for 16 years and I will be there for her. If you are like me then I am going to tell you that you are in for the ride of your life. If you need someone to talk to PM me and I will give you my cell number. It is always nice to discuss things with people that are going through the same things as yourself. If you PM your email address I can send you two ebooks that I read.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

bandit.45 - She can paint everything she wants to her friends, but all of our friends know the truth. She can tell her future friends what she wants, but I am not following a different path. The one with Jesus. I know that is sounds crazy, but if I live my life this way no one can really judge me incorrectly. I never thought of her rewriting our history in her head. If it has been rewritten once it can be rewritten again. PM me your email address and I can send you the same books. They are a quick read and is worth a look.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

thurm09 said:


> So I see my soon to be ex-wife. I signed a joint divorce so she could move on with this new found life. I ask her why she gave up on the marriage. She says I did not give up on the marriage. I replied, "If you did not give up on the marriage and I did not give up on the marriage, why are we getting a divorce?" How can someone honestly think that they decided on the divorce and that they did not give up on the marriage? Can anyone please explain this to me.


Her shifting the blame and all the problems and reasons for the failure of the marriage to you, is a defensive coping strategy, nothing more.

Don't look for sense in human denial and rationalization, it's just not there to find.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

My estranged husband has totally re-written our martial history too. He says that, while their were happy times, he was never really happy. 

Eight years. Infertility treatments. Finally we have a baby, and he decides he would rather be with his 25 year old grad student. 

At 35 years old, he leaves his 9 month old baby and wife of 8 years (best friend for 15 years) to be with a 25 year old.

It is so frustrating when he tells me how he has viewed our relationship together. He views it as a "wasted life". It is so frustrating, because I know that is not the reality. But, I just have to accept that it is his reality.

Your ex-wife is telling herself these lies so that she is able to look herself in the mirror each day.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's when you can be glad she's your x.
If she's crazy then it doesn't need to affect your ability to manage your own life. Legally you can choose your own path and not have to swerve and dodge against the crazy stuff. So she says something that's crazy. People don't change after divorce. They're the same people, you just don't have to own it 24-7.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno - You are right about about her. I just feel that this may be her mid-like crisis and I want to at least try to help her as long as I can. I have not stopped my from going on with my life. Well just my dating portion; this allows my to prove to myself how much I do love her and any future relationship I have will only be stronger because I do have commitment. 

jpr - What do you want in your marriage? Do you want him back? If you do start the 180 and see what happens. Remember also that this current relationship was forged on your marriage so I wouldn't expect it to last. If you need to talk let me know PM me.

hisfac - You are right, but I remind her that she wanted this not me. When the divorce decree comes it it will say that I was the defendant. She will have to face the facts because she is now deployed and when there is down time she will have to deal with it. There is no drinking or really partying where she is at now.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

thurm09 said:


> I remind her that she wanted this not me. When the divorce decree comes it it will say that I was the defendant. She will have to face the facts because she is now deployed and when there is down time she will have to deal with it. There is no drinking or really partying where she is at now.


So what you remind her of this or that, and the divorce decree says blah blah blah.

You still don't get it.. she will never see the reality of it. Regardless of how much downtime she will have. She won't be thinking about who is the defendent on the divorce decree, or that she wanted the divorce more than you or whatever else you think are perfectly legitimate arguments for placing blame, that's for damn sure. 

It's like trying to convince those who believe the earth is flat that they're wrong by showing them satellite pictures.

Logic doesn't work against human rationalization and denial. 

Save the effort, your energies are better spent on other things than trying to convince your soon to be exspouse that it wasn't your fault.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

hisfac - I understand now that you explained that she is trying to make it seem like she is shifting the blame. I also know my wife and how she is there will be a time when she snaps out of this partying life. I most likely won't be around, but she will know that this is not what I wanted. I am not going to speak to her anymore since I have no reason to. Thanks for the input.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

thurm09 said:


> Well just my dating portion; this allows my to prove to myself how much I do love her and any future relationship I have will only be stronger because I do have commitment.


I don't quite follow that.
You are taking a course of action in order to prove something to yourself that you already know? 
You're divorced, right?
Do you think she will come back to you?
I saw that you said that you won't be around.
Or is it that you need to not be seen dating someone after your wife divorced you, so that nobody will think that you had a hand in the divorce? It seems to me that the only people you'll attract with that line of thinking is codependents who think you need to be rescued and connived and prodded into having a social life. 
I would think some female company in the form of dating, when you feel ready but not to prove or disprove, might be healthy. You can have dinner or lunch or a conversation with someone who isn't crazy making. It might change your perspective entirely to be treated like that.
This proving thing, I don't get.
I know if my H, who suggested divorce and I accepted and he was really quite vicious to me on his way out...didn't date I would just think it was because he needed to look like a victim and to showcase some sort of romantic version of love so that he could attract female rescuers. That's why I ask why you will go on with all parts of your life except to prove your love for your wife who you say is crazy...and that in future you won't be around with her. I'm a logistician by trade. So here the logic doesn't add up for me.

I'm lost. I don't get proving something to yourself you already know. Maybe there is some other reason?


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno - I know it might sound confusing, but after going back to church I have learned that I should respect the marriage vows we made in front of God until she breaks the vows.

Do I think she will come back? I am not sure; all I can do is work on myself regardless if she does or not. I still need to heal from this and when I know that I am ready to move on I will.

I am not trying to be a victim or looking for a female to rescue me. My next relationship with be interdependent. I believe now that friendships must be made before you can enter a relationship. 

If you don't mid sharing your experience of what happened to you in your marriage.

I am now an open book. I have nothing to hide from anyone.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

thurm09 wrote:
"jpr - What do you want in your marriage? Do you want him back? If you do start the 180 and see what happens. Remember also that this current relationship was forged on your marriage so I wouldn't expect it to last. If you need to talk let me know PM me."

Ideally, I would like my husband to lift this fog and want to be my husband again...honestly. I just want him to want to try to keep his family intact. I want my son to have a full time dad.

But, I know that is an unrealistic expectation; and I certainly don't want my husband back as he is right now.

For Lent, I have decided to just hand over all my hopes, and "what ifs", and "could haves", and "should haves", and "should bes" to God. I am giving these up, and I am going to spend my time focusing on others. Volunteering more. Reading more (I am going to stop reading those relationship books). Praying more. Being a better mom to my son. My son doesn't deserve a mom who cries all the time. 

You save yourself by saving others

I sort of already do the"180 thing" as best as I can. I don't text or email unless it pertains to my son. But, now, I am just going to consciously try not to even think about my husband. I am going to stop trying to understand him. I am going to stop trying to hypothesize what goes on inside of his head.

I am going to try to just think of him as a 'bank'. He is just someone who gives me child support and watches my son once in a while.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

jpr - Right now all you can do is live your life. Enjoy it, you owe it to you and your son. When he takes care of your son pamper yourself life is full of things to do. Like they say when life gives you lemons make lemonade.


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