# He would rather masturbate



## hurtwife (May 21, 2010)

My H and I have not have sex for 2 years  I am not sure why, every time I go near him he thinks I am playing and pushes me away. So I dont bother anymore. 

But I always catch him masturbating. When I am on the phone, when I am doing house work etc etc. I spoke to him a few weeks ago about our marriage and then we went out for the day, he came home and did it while I cleaned. I was so cut.... 

Why would he be doing this?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

My ex husband did this, but he did so bc he had ED (erectile dysfunction). How old are you and he? How long have you been married? ED can develop out of "nowhere" or be a long standing issue. My ex did it bc it was the "safe" no pressure way for him to release, bc he had so much difficulty releasing inside a woman.

Try not to automatically assume its you, even though its very hard to.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Is he masturbating to porn? If so, what kind of porn? Is it something that you would consider deviant, etc? Also, has your body changed over the past 2 years? Have you gained/lost weight, etc? Have you two sat down together and talked to find out why he'd rather watch porn then be with you?

I'm not saying any of it is "right" but just trying to get a little bit more information.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

toolate said:


> ED can develop out of "nowhere" or be *a long standing issue*.


I'll probably get ED for laughing at that, but great choice of wording. :rofl:

Back to the issue, though. Have you really just straight-out asked him about this? It could be ED or any number of things, but this is odd behavior to not address directly. He may be too embarrassed about whatever it is to initiate that conversation, and may not even know it's bothering you that much if you don't talk to him about it. Sorry if you already have, just didn't get the impression this conversation has occurred.


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## hurtwife (May 21, 2010)

Hi guys

Yes I have brought it to his attention. I have told him that it embarrasses me and makes me feel very small. But he says coz we dont sex, then its a way to relieve himself. But it makes me feel like crap. And so then I told him well we need to start doing it, it shouldnt have gotten this far. And he said ok but his very nervous. But I am his wife, so I dont know if he doesnt want to. We recently went away and I tired but he wasnt interested he went to sleep so I just forgot about it. 

As far as I know his watching girls in porn. But at the moment I am beginning to think he could even be gay.


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

I can tell you that physical appearance won't stop a guy, as long as you're hygenic. A woman with self-confidence and a playful, sexy attitude will always trump any physical appearance issues. What's the point of having a gorgeous pin-up wife if she's got the libido of your great grandmother?

Here's a couple thoughts:

- If you don't ever orgasm, or if you tell him stuff like "it doesn't matter if I don't come, I want you to come.." then that's a complete turn-off.

- A guy wants a girl to enjoy sex for sex and not some other reason. For instance, if she only wants sex when she's ovulating so she can get pregnant. Or maybe he senses that she only does it as a service for him, and not because she actually wants him. 

Basically, any ulterior motive will turn that stiffy into a floppy.

- Maybe it's some kind of payback? It's strange he says that he masturbates because you don't have sex, but you say you approach him for sex. Maybe it's some kind of punishment due to a period of time when you didn't approach him?

Who knows, it's a tough one.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

How old are you and your H?


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## hurtwife (May 21, 2010)

We are both early 30's


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hurtwife said:


> But he says coz we dont sex, then its a way to relieve himself.


Hurtwife - Why do you feel he said this -"Because we don't have sex"? 

Does anything BlueFire said ring true? They are all good points & could have led up to what is happening now. 

How long have you been married - was sex ever consistent - what happeneed 2 years ago to bring about this change in him, you must have some clue - Health problems (diabetes, high blood pressure , hormonal issues), attraction problems, Stress on the job, depression, Relationship issues ??


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

BlueFire said:


> Here's a couple thoughts:
> 
> - If you don't ever orgasm, or if you tell him stuff like "it doesn't matter if I don't come, I want you to come.." then that's a complete turn-off.


:iagree:


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

hurtwife said:


> But I always catch him masturbating. When I am on the phone, when I am doing house work etc etc. I spoke to him a few weeks ago about our marriage and then we went out for the day, he came home and did it while I cleaned. I was so cut....


I get the feeling that THIS is like the "800 pound gorilla" in the room & not just the fact that he doesn't ever want/have sex with you. 

Guys will not get caught repeatedly unless they want to be caught for some reason. And (sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh but) frankly I find it hard to believe that you are so lost on this whole sex/masturbation issue. I've observed time and again that denial is often the single most powerful force in any relationship that's not working properly.


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## hurtwife (May 21, 2010)

Longtime Husband said:


> I get the feeling that THIS is like the "800 pound gorilla" in the room & not just the fact that he doesn't ever want/have sex with you.
> 
> Guys will not get caught repeatedly unless they want to be caught for some reason. And (sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh but) frankly I find it hard to believe that you are so lost on this whole sex/masturbation issue. I've observed time and again that denial is often the single most powerful force in any relationship that's not working properly.




No, you have a point. I mean, I doubt there is a wife out there that will fully admit that their H has a porn problem. I just am in shock I guess that he has told me. I honestly didnt think it was that bad, and he actually does it once or twice a day. 

I mean, when are the other times his doing it. When I am watching tv, washing up, or what? It sickens me. And I feel so cheated by it. Yeah sure if he does it sometimes, whatever. But this is just to much. And its been going on for so long. If he had come to me a long time ago when the problem started then I would have supported him. But I dont think I can this time.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

hurtwife said:


> No, you have a point. I mean, I doubt there is a wife out there that will fully admit that their H has a porn problem. I just am in shock I guess that he has told me. I honestly didnt think it was that bad, and he actually does it once or twice a day.
> 
> I mean, when are the other times his doing it. When I am watching tv, washing up, or what? It sickens me. And I feel so cheated by it. Yeah sure if he does it sometimes, whatever. But this is just to much. And its been going on for so long. If he had come to me a long time ago when the problem started then I would have supported him. But I dont think I can this time.


Let me be more clear: I would focus on the fact that he's allowing himself to be CAUGHT repeatedly. It's obvious that this is really under your skin. And he seems like he actually WANTS you catching him for some reason. But that's just what I'm getting from this discussion.


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## hurtwife (May 21, 2010)

Longtime Husband said:


> Let me be more clear: I would focus on the fact that he's allowing himself to be CAUGHT repeatedly. It's obvious that this is really under your skin. And he seems like he actually WANTS you catching him for some reason. But that's just what I'm getting from this discussion.


Yeah maybe he is. I dont know. But hey if he prefers to do that then sleep with me, then good luck to him


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hurtwife-

I'm wondering if he is punishing you for having turned him down for sex repeatedly some time ago. So he made up his mind to show you how self sufficient he can be. Now it's been so long, he's forgotten his original purpose for jerking solo all day, and it's simply become a habit.


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## hurtwife (May 21, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> hurtwife-
> 
> I'm wondering if he is punishing you for having turned him down for sex repeatedly some time ago. So he made up his mind to show you how self sufficient he can be. Now it's been so long, he's forgotten his original purpose for jerking solo all day, and it's simply become a habit.



I have never turned him down


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hurtwife said:


> *But he says coz we dont sex,* then its a way to relieve himself.


Could you explain the above then? It seems as if he is saying that "you started it".


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