# My Anger + A Massive Fight



## barkmeow (Nov 27, 2014)

Some background: I'm American, my partner is German and we are currently living in Australia. We are both expats and have been together 3 years. He moved here for a 4 year contract for his job, and I followed. His family is still in Germany, mine is in America. 

I come from a background of abuse from my mother - general verbal and emotional, but at times physical as well. I currently work in social work as a caseworker for child protection. 

Generally, my partner and I don't fight. When we do, it's often over something small and non hurtful (you took my keys with you to work) and blows over within a few minutes and is not seen again. We make an effort to show each other we love each other, am constantly supporting one another, etc.

When we first got together, I disclosed my history of abuse as a child and told him that I wouldn't tolerate anybody swearing or abusing me. So far, he never has. We've had the rare "Fck you!" followed by an apology and rarely has it escalated beyond that.

Last night, he went to a bachelor party and I went to a bachelorette party. He and I are feminists and he's spoken about sex trafficking in the past which led me to think that he would go to the strip club with the boys, but not partake in getting a lap dance, giving tips, etc. I assumed he'd be an observer and mentally was OK with it - but we'd never talked about it before.

He was sober at the party. Meanwhile, I was with the girls and I got very very drunk. He texted me that he'd put some of his friend's money in the strippers garder thingy, and yeah - this made me really angry. Probably mostly because of the alcohol and because it made me jealous/upset. So I said some extremely mean things (I hate you, F*** you, I wish I never met you, etc.) Which is way beyond anything we've said before and it completely reminds me of how my mom used to speak to me. And my partner would never speak to me that way - ever! 

So, he took screenshots of this and sent it to some of our mutual friends I was with, asking if I was acting angry in person (I wasn't, I didn't tell any of my friends my thoughts). So obviously this is embarrassing and in my opinion, so childish! It was sent to one girl I don't know very well, and the other girl felt really awkward when she received it!

Fast forward to last night, I came up and went to bed without speaking to him. 

This morning I apologized for what I'd said over and over and left it at that. He ignored me and then I had to drive him to his car. He ignored me in the car and only said things like, "you're so mean." and "When we met, you said you would leave someone if they spoke like that to you."

UGH. I just feel so guilty and doomed to mimic my mom's behavior whenever I want attention. Like I also think the stripping scenario warrants a discussion but that me verbally abusing him completely writes it off as an issue. Like my evilness has eclipsed any problem I wanted to bring up on his end. 

Now he's continued to ignore me and we won't be seeing each other until late at night. I can't focus on my work and just don't know how to control myself when I'm angry (usually I can talk myself down, but I was very drunk and didn't last night). I'm scared that I just scarred the whole relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You ASSUMED he would behave in a particular way, and then flew off the handle when he didn't. And you acted in a way that you clearly told him was unacceptable to you. IMHO, you owe him a big apology, along with a non-accusatory discussion about your feelings on strip clubs. You may have scarred the relationship, but it doesn't need to be debilitating. 

C


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

Would you consider getting some counselling? I have (had?) lots of FOO issues which sound similar to yours and I expressed similar sentiments to my now-husband when we were dating (I could not be in a relationship where I was treated that way). 

However, I learned my reactions from my parents only too well, and did not treat him (and sometimes our children) with the same gentleness and patience that he has shown to me through our marriage - it was mainly anger management/shouting but I hated that I acted in the very way I'd told him I couldn't handle so I went to individual counselling which helped to just clarify things for me, identify what was going on underneath the anger, as well as giving me some good strategies for coping/not automatically going back to those behaviours.

In Australia, Anglicare offers counselling on a sliding scale based on your income (and it is not religious in content). Otherwise there is Relationships Australia.

If you think this might be a behaviour that could become a problem for you, it would be worth dealing with it now. It would also show your partner that you are serious in trying to fix it.

(If you think your reaction was specific to this one situation and unlikely to arise again, you can disregard what I've said).


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

You should go seeing a counselor. Take care of your issue before you marry this poor man. If I was him, I would re-consider the idea of marrying you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too would not put up with being talked to like that. 

It seems that your mother is right there in your head just wanting an opportunity to surface. You need to get her out of your head. You need to get into counseling so that you can deal with your abuse issues.


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## barkmeow (Nov 27, 2014)

Thanks for the responses. I would consider counselling, especially since I get it free from work. Like maybe that would help for sure. 

I haven't been like this before (not an excuse) so it's not a trend when I get angry, and I've asked my partner if it is - he says no. But yeah, still, it scares me and the fact that it scares me is scaring him even more. I don't know what to do :,( I feel like such a fcked up and broken person.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

In my opinion:

(A) He should have never texted you what he did during these events; there is a time and place to tell your SO this, and it is not during bachelor/bachelorette parties that involve alcohol;

(B) Your reaction is a now a red flag to him of 'maybe' what is it come; and

(C) He should have never taken screenshots and sent the text message to mutual friends.

Sounds like you BOTH have a lot of growing up to do. I have seen the nicest people flip out when they are socially drinking in a situation and honestly, yours is not that bad. SO's do way crazier things over something like this instead of texting hurtful things. 

In sum, this is a situation that should have been handled behind closed doors while both being sober with no one else involved. Personally, I would have let it slide and laughed it off but everyone is different and he is justified in his feeling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barkmeow said:


> Thanks for the responses. I would consider counselling, especially since I get it free from work. Like maybe that would help for sure.
> 
> I haven't been like this before (not an excuse) *so it's not a trend when I get angry*, and I've asked my partner if it is - he says no. But yeah, still, it scares me and the fact that it scares me is scaring him even more. I don't know what to do :,( I feel like such a fcked up and broken person.


Have ever been in a relationship before where you are as comfortable with the guy? Or where you felt as safe?


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## barkmeow (Nov 27, 2014)

wise said:


> In my opinion:
> 
> (A) He should have never texted you what he did during these events; there is a time and place to tell your SO this, and it is not during bachelor/bachelorette parties that involve alcohol;
> 
> ...


Thanks, wise. I agree that this behavior is really immature and... idk, basically a sign that our relationship is not fully developed probably. I am really scared of my reaction being a red flag to him, as he's questioned what I will be like if my kids upset me. Thanks for your input!


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## barkmeow (Nov 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Have ever been in a relationship before where you are as comfortable with the guy? Or where you felt as safe?


No, this is the most comfortable that I've been with anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barkmeow said:


> No, this is the most comfortable that I've been with anyone.


I figured that is the answer you would give.

There is a good chance that the reason 'your mother' came out in reply is that you feel safe and comfortable. So now some part of your subconscious just let it all out. Of course being drunk helped quite a bit too.

What it reminds me of is that years ago I dated a guy for 5 years. His father was emotionally abusive of both him and his mother.

Everything seemed great in our relationship. We married. Within the first year of our marriage he started changing. He had a few (not many) angry outburst. As the years went on it escalated. We are divorced for a long time now because of this.

Basically, once he was so comfortable with our relationship that he was sure of it, he started to let out his anger that he was taught to use in the manner his father did.

If you are working with abused kids, you must be aware that this is quite common.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Alcohol lifts the lid from something bubbling below the surface. Apparently, you successfully supress it when you're sober,, maybe to the point you thought you had it beat.

I say that because, sober, you had no problem with him going to the strip club. Then, a reminder that he was there while you were drunk set you off.

You might've paused to think that, if he had any intention of committing dirty deeds with said stripper(s), he wouldn't be texting you about going 'hands on'. You'd told him you were 'cool' with it, he probably thought you'd find it funny. Not the brightest thought he's ever had, but understandable given what you told him.

That said, while I can understand him being shocked and píssed off that you gave him a green light to do something then pitched a hissy when he did it, that doesn't excuse (or explain) why his immediate reaction was to tell everybody. It seems he may have an underlying issue too.

The ADULT thing to do would've been to agree to talk about it the following day. All couples row, and this one neednt've escalated to the extent that you're panicking over the state of your relationship.

I wonder if your 'no shouting rules' have effectively stopped you expressing yourselves about the little irritants that come along, so this has unleashed all the pent up frustrations.

You've already identified your own buried rage and what to do about it so, really, not a huge thing that should amount to a deal breaker. You don't run from a one-off hissy fit if the person owns it and seeks help.

Can't tell what his problem is but texting people and his inability to let it go are telling. It's not like you're fighting over 'fault'. You've acknowledged your part of it. He should shut up and support you in seeking help.

He needs to address why he texted people rather than tackled you privately at home. Then, why he won't let it drop despite your owning your part in it.

This should be JUST a row that might happen to any recent couple. Instead it seems to've uncovered issues you've BOTH buried or were unaware of.

You're addressing yours. He needs to think about his own. You may've triggered it but don't let him lay all the blame on you. His own reaction and subsequent behaviour is far from ideal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

How about a simple apology, hug and kiss. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I figured that is the answer you would give.
> 
> There is a good chance that the reason 'your mother' came out in reply is that you feel safe and comfortable. So now some part of your subconscious just let it all out. Of course being drunk helped quite a bit too.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. 

My wife was perfect until we got married. Things that she always complained about her father doing, she started doing. I believe it was because she felt comfortable. That we were married and she could talk to me like that and I would take it. 

She realizes when she does it and sometimes it is followed by an apology, but I wish she just wouldn't do it. 

I agree with counseling. Will give you a better chance of stopping these outbursts that will surely happen more often the longer you are together.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If you have a problem with strip clubs you should tell him that. It was low of him to send a screenshot to your friends so he didn't behave any better.


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