# Worrying about what comes next



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Since my EA was discovered a little over a month ago, my wife has forgiven me, and restates her undying love for me. I am completely open with all communications (email, texts, etc.), and accountable for all of my time. 

Although my wife has seemed to move forward, I'm stuck. I feel very guilty for what I did, plus I am fighting depression again. I have not been required to do the "heavy lifting" as others have posted here. She has not asked for details of the EA because she said that she doesn't want or need to hear them.

I'm confused about my life right now, and also worried about what's coming next. I cry completely out of the blue. I'm as stressed I have ever been, and have random anxiety attacks. And yes, I feel for the hurt I caused the OW as well. But I continue no contact despite the urges to contact her out of compassion.

I can't help but feel that the lack of me being required to do heavy lifting is going to eventually eat at my wife, and she will pull the trigger in a big way and kick me to the curb. I have a feeling that it's going to happen in a few months. 

Has anyone been on either side of what I am experiencing? As a BS, did you "pull the trigger" later? As the WW/WH, did you feel this way and have something good/bad happen?

Please help me find my mental way. I've lost interest in most every other aspect of my life, while I dwell on this major issue.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Has anyone been on either side of what I am experiencing? As a BS, did you "pull the trigger" later?


read this thread as he's about to pull the trigger himself-

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid.../32691-affair-then-divorce-2-years-later.html


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

IOW- if she won't require heavy lifting from you then it's up to you to do it yourself


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Your wife might be in a little denial about your EA. By not hearing details, she can minimize the importance of it and the OW in your life. Does she realize the extent of your feelings during the EA? Does it seem like she's trying to rug sweep?

I found out as much as I could about my husband's EA/PA, details that may haunt me forever. But at least I'm not making up stuff in my head or downplaying it's impact in his life or mine. I feel like this is vitally important to my ability to get over the betrayal, so it doesn't pop back up in 2 years and bite us both in the @$$.

As AR said, be sure you are doing the heavy lifting, even if your wife is not asking for it. Then you can feel good knowing you did it on your own and are doing whatever you can to build trust. Even if your wife doesn't seem to need it, in a few months she may realize how important it was for her to heal.

Also, I'd let your wife know how you're feeling. To have a more open and honest relationship in the future, you'll need to let her know what's going on with you emotionally.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She could very well pull the trigger, and that is a reality you must accept. And maybe she won't. You have to put in your time and effort to restore your marriage after betraying her.

Have you seen a therapist at all re: your guilt and depression? Exercise is a good idea and if the depression persists, you may want to inquire about depression medication.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My fear is that she is rug sweeping it to some extent, even though she tells me that her fear is that when I finally start to realize what I need to be happy again, it will involve me leaving her for the OW. She tells me that she will take as long as it takes to keep our marriage alive. And I tell her that the OW is out forever, and that I want to stay her husband. So we are both saying the right things, and I'm trying to prove my position daily.

I'm doing all that I know of with regards to heavy lifting. But I'm not really sure what the heavy lifting should be. I am transparent in every way, I spend all the time I can with her, I am accountable for every minute of each day, I have NC with the OW, I show affection for my wife, I answer every question she had. Not sure what else I can do without being fake.

When I read the link provided by Almostrecovered, it struck a chord with me. In the link, the H is feeling no more love for his WW despite his putting on a happy face for two years. Meanwhile, the WW is trying her best to show that she is recommitted, and has little to no clue that the end could happen at any moment. 

For me, I fear that my wife is going to start thinking the way he is in his story. I also wonder if with me living in fear, and having so much guilt, will I lose my love for her because I feel unworthy of her love so soon after the EA, and the lack of he demanding the heavy lifting.

Another point in his story is his time away to think. My wife will go on a business trip soon. Will she be thinking of the EA and her reaction the whole time? The trips alone seemed to have cleared his head as to what he needs to do so he can be happy. My wife could do the same.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm doing all that I know of with regards to heavy lifting. But I'm not really sure what the heavy lifting should be.


Ask your wife what she needs from you and then follow through.

Your wife can walk one day. That is a real possibility. But your wife may also stay. Another real possibility.

There is no way to predict the future. Your fear and guilt may be intertwined but they may also be separate.

I know for me I had some days I could not even look at my ex. I was so ashamed about what I did. And there were days I wanted to strangle him for what he did.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ask your wife what she needs from you and then follow through.



that's his problem, his wife doesn't want to deal with it and asks nothing


which to me is a bad sign


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Yeah, your likely fuct. At least your mind will convince you of that and stay completely haywire and destroy your mental well being for awhile. Guilt, Depression and Vulnerability suck. 

Sorry you're getting run over by the karma bus.

There is good news though...

You could save a ton of money on your auto insurance by switching to gieco.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I am in IC now for all of the issues. And I do go to the gym quite often. 

I have asked her about what she needs. She has said that all of that things that I have already done, keep doing. And to heal and move on with our marriage together as we had planned so many years ago.


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