# Confused and feeling alone



## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

This is my first post and the first time ever talking about my situation. The man I married I have been with since I was 16 he was 19. I thought it was true love of course. Over the years I have remained faithful and loving. A little over 1 year ago he came to me with a letter which included a confession. This one confession about one incident in which he lied to me about his past soon turned into a 2 week drawn out agonizing list of lies he has either told me or secrets he kept from me. It went from one secret that had me asking a question into everything I have ever known about him and his sexual past was a lie. Over the years of our marriage before that horrible time he has been abusive and threatning but I believed that I had a real catch that was worth holding on to. After finding out the truth of who he really was and all he had done behind my back during marriage and before marriage I feel completely betrayed and deceived. I have tried now for over a year to make things work but I still feel the pain. I dont believe in him anymore or trust him. I feel like I never had a choice if this was the man I really wanted to be with. If he had told me everything from the beginning I dont believe I would have been with him. I know I could have done better. What do I do now? I was young and naieve to believe at 16 a man is who they say they were but I was willing to believe it I guess.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

how long have you two been married? do you have kids? 

why did he come to you with all his confessions? was it things he had done prior to knowing you, or did he do some things while you were married?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

chozengrlc said:


> Over the years of our marriage before that horrible time he has been abusive and threatning


If the relationship is physically, emotionally, sexually or mentally abusive then that alone warrants leaving the marriage. The lies are just additional nails in it.


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## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

He came to me with the confessions because he said he felt physically sick and he believed that was the reason. He was holding in years and years worth of lies. We do have 2 very young children. We have been together 7 years married 5. He did lie to me during our marriage. He never had an affair but he was doing some sexual things behind my back. Since he has been alot better. He doesn't lie (or so he says) he hasn't done what he was doing before his confessions (or so he says). I just feel at a loss still. I Can't talk to anyone including him about my feelings because he throws out the suicide card and nothing to live for routine or becomes extremely angry.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

chozengrlc said:


> I Can't talk to anyone including him about my feelings because he throws out the suicide card and nothing to live for routine or becomes extremely angry.


that just pisses me off. i hate it when people pull the suicide card. man. I have two siblings who pull that crap all the time. 

he's just emotionally manipulating you. he cant stand the guilt so he wont let you express your feelings. 

have you considered going to counseling? for yourself?


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## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

Yes I have and would love to but with 2 very small children away from family no one really available to babysit and financially it is very expensive also. During that 2 week period last year when everything happened we did speak with our pastor and he listened and understood what we were going through but he just told my husband his abuse and lies needed to stop but he believed my husband was this "golden child" and pretty much tossed the situation aside and wanted him to become the worship leader not more then 1 month later without anymore counseling.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well, as hard as it is, if you cant leave, cant get him to talk to you, then you'll have to emotionally separate from him as best you can. 

there are some good website you could look into about protecting your own emotional health. Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

and also, look into alanon meetings. its usually for family and friends of alcoholics, but i went to a few meetings because of my relationship. it helped me a lot. the theory behind alanon is that we tend to get so caught up in the dysfunction of our relationship that we lose ourselves in the process. we start trying to control what is not in our control and end up getting out of control. there is some literature on their website you can get if you arent comfortable going to the meetings. i think it would help you a lot. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Do not let the fact that he might or might not commit suicide be the reason you make your decision on what you need to do. I had a boyfriend that tried that and at the expense of sounding cold .. when my friend called and told me that they were at the hospital and he had tried it, I told her to tell him not to call me again and seek counseling. You cannot spend your life unhappy because of what someone might do.

You need to sit down and seriously decide if you can live with the lies that he has dumped on you. If you feel that you can't get out and there are places that do counseling based on your income I am starting one next week. Just get online and check for your city or the surrounding cities..

I wish the you the best!


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## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

Thank you very much for both of your advice. Of course it feels like there is no right answer to this situation that will bring about a better situation for me or my children. One way I would be giving my children their father on a daily basis but I would be miserable. Or leaving him I could heal and become very happy again but leaving my children sad and hurt....ugh.


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