# Scientific study of affair-busting techniques



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

There's so much different advice on how to end a wayward's affair, and a lot of it conflicts. Some say immediate no contact, others like Plan A/B say wait a month or two for no contact, many say expose, others say exposure backfires...Someone should do a scientific study on what works. With facts and numbers and stuff. Anyone know if something like that exists? (wishful thinking)


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Nope.

Moreover, such study won't happen, because so many of the effective methods are seen as controversial. No confrontational approach would be ever sanctioned by any licensed professional, even if they are the most useful means in practice.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

A scientific study wouldnt really prove anything. There are too many... "one size fits all" assumptions when it comes to studies. Every situation is unique so what works for one may not work for another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Gaia, I disagree. Just look through the stories here. They are all unique, but have a lot of commonalities at the same time. Deceit, d-days, reactions, outcomes. There's only so many ways to skin a cat, and some statistical study would be interesting to see.

Not holding my breath though. How would one imagine that, "now, control group C1 kicks their WS to the curb"? Not gonna happen.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Best way to bust an affair is nuclear exposure. And make sure OM/OW's wife/husband finds out so they can put their spouse's ass to the fire which commonly makes them throw your cheating spouse under the bus.

Couple that with everyone knowing how sh!tty they've been acting usually knocks them out of fog.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

snap said:


> Nope.
> 
> Moreover, such study won't happen, because so many of the effective methods are seen as controversial. No confrontational approach would be ever sanctioned by any licensed professional, even if they are the most useful means in practice.


Oh, I so agree with this. So many people out there don't agree with snooping. Even gathering publicly available information is considered snooping by some people.

I also think that everyone is different and situations are different. My exH had an exit affair so I'm satisfied in thinking nothing would have changed. I did enjoy pissing the other woman off though.

In my current situation, I think my timing was really good. My fiance offered to send his EA no contact letter AFTER I showed him evidence that he was treating not only better than a friend but better than he was treating me. 

I turned down the offer because I felt that he was contacting her as much she him so I had much preferred to see him stop contacting her first and then only if she didn't stop contacting him, would an NC letter be necessary.

Well, 3 weeks later, the bf of his so called good friend waited until the day of her birthday to send him an invitation by FB private message. And then at 11pm when the pub was closing, she texted my fiance asking "Why didn't you come?" I said, yeah, great she's such a good friend and she really treats you like one. After that he steadily made the effort to cut off contact with her, ie defiended her on FB and so on.

I think all these tactics, techniques need to be weighed up for the individual situation. Posters should give feedback on what happened and whether they're happy with the results.

Who needs an expensive study after that?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I agree with Kasler.

Exposure is the best way to kill an affair.

It is generally accepted in society that cheating is bad. To be publicly known as a cheater? Not good. 

Affairs thrive in the darkness. They wither when brought out into the light.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

snap said:


> Nope.
> 
> Moreover, such study won't happen, because so many of the effective methods are seen as controversial. No confrontational approach would be ever sanctioned by any licensed professional, even if they are the most useful means in practice.


Except me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> I agree with Kasler.
> 
> Exposure is the best way to kill an affair.
> 
> ...


Yes, but on other relationship message boards, whenever the question comes up there will be at least a handful of posters who disagree; call it exacting revenge; say it's unfair and so on.

I simply don't get it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

snap said:


> Gaia, I disagree. Just look through the stories here. They are all unique, but have a lot of commonalities at the same time. Deceit, d-days, reactions, outcomes. There's only so many ways to skin a cat, and some statistical study would be interesting to see.
> 
> Not holding my breath though. How would one imagine that, "now, control group C1 kicks their WS to the curb"? Not gonna happen.


I know that but I am against statistics for the reason that many choose one way out of the options available and then say its the only surefire way. 

Example... Studies show men are attracted to youth. When a man comes on and says he isnt... He is called a liar. Same with the studies that claim all men look at porn. When one doesnt and says so... Again he is called a liar. If a scientific study was done I am sure that the one way that seems to work on the vast majority would then be labeled the only way. That is the part I disagree with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I totally agree with three strikes, exposing the affair and breaking up the fantasy relationship is the your only chance of saving your marriage.
if you want to save your marriage after your spouse has had a affair you have to eliminate the 3rd person. Your marriage can withstand the anger the exposure creates, it cannot withstand your spouse sleeping and loving someone else.

After exposure and some angry time your spouse will again think rationally and will again be accountable for his/her own choices.
Reality will hit fantasy square in the face, sitting back letting the affair flourish is only a death sentence for your marriage and your family.
You stand up and fight however the smartest way is if you still don't win at least you tried all you could and didn't just sit back and let someone else steal your life.
If you question the exposure part at all ask yourself do you think your spouse is really still in the marriage if they are sleeping with someone else, they already have 1 foot out the door.
You get in the way of the affair anyway you can, you don't make anything easy for the affair to happen. 
You fight for what is yours in a calm loving way. 
You carry the marriage while your spouse is so lost and confused. They will thank you for your courage and for your determination.
When they have 1 foot out the door you can't worry about stepping on their toes, show them their plans won't work out like the fantasy life they imagined, let them be accountable for the pain and the lies and deceit. 
Let them feel what their choices have created for their own lives and the people in their lives.
You let the affair live underground you will have allowed the relationship to happen without any reality of the pain and hurt they caused, you can forgive and rebuild after the fog of the affair has lifted.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

> Studies show men are attracted to youth. When a man comes on and says he isnt... He is called a liar.


This can be indeed an impact of social studies, but it's often an issue of not properly communicating or oversimplifying the results.

The whole point of statistical methods is they take variation, outliers and uncertainty into account. I.e. in your example above a study should say something like "an average man is 77% likely to be attracted to youth", but when it gets to reporting it's inevitably watered down to "SCIENCE CONFIRMS: ALL MEN CHASE YOUNG CHCIKS!".


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Affairs are very much like drug addictions (because technically it is) so to me it seems like methods for handling drug addicts should work on handling affairs as well. I have 2 step-sons that have a history of addiction and what they do does seem to parallel with people in affairs react.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

@ snap 

Lol thats true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Givens:

Not all affairs are killed.

Most WS that cheat do not want to end their marriage, so as soon as they are caught and exposed they will throw their AP under the bus.


So when people say I did this or I did that and my WS never stopped their affair. Can be where the WS was never going to come back to the marriage no matter what was done.

Or because they would not do what had to be done to kill the affair. However them refusing to do what had to be done will never be admitted to by the BS as to why their WS left them.

Problem with their perception of what works and does not work is based on one case. Their own. They came to an infidelity forum and refused to use what works. Refused to listen or learn from those that where there before them.

Now as to one that has been on infidelity forums for years I have seen only one thing that works to kill an affair. By the works means that as pointed out not all affairs can be killed. Though only exposure works. The same way that penicillin can cure most infections, but can not cure all infections.

That is exposure. Full, 100%, do not tell WS that you are going to expose before you do, do not threaten to use exposure if the WS and AP does not end the affair. Forewarning the AP's only gives the WS and AP time to do damage control and make your exposure ineffective.

Yes for years I have seen poster's refuse to expose, warn first, threaten they will expose, do partial exposure and see their marriage end a slow painful death.

I have seen poster's refuse to expose then stop posting. We did not have to see the end to know how things ended.

I have rarely ever see exposure not kill an affair. This bears out the fact that 78% of marriages survive an affair. Most affairs end after two years.

Thing is why let an affair after being found out at the 6 month mark go on for another 18 months waiting for the affair to die when a stake can be put through it's heart and kill in right then on dday?

There is no reason unless the BS wants to suffer longer, increase chance of STD, or the trump of all the OM knocks up the WW.

Life is not fair, just, even. Does everyone make the HS football team? Out of those does everyone go on to play college, then everyone turn pro? No. Most don't make the teams, get big money jobs, become a movie star with women throwing themselves at them. Or get the Home coming Queen even get to have the head cheerleader for a GF. Let alone have anyone of the cheerleaders even acknowledge or presence.

One must work with everthing they have to get the best they can out of life. Saving a marriage is working to keep the best thing they have so everything must be used. Exposure is everything there is to kill an affair.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Although the site is an invaluable resource for endless possibilities of research studies, it would not only be time- consuming (unless a program is written to extract the data) but the info from such studies would be too easily accessible by WSs and APs. If they want to outsmart BSs they have to do their own copious research like the rest of us BSs were forced to do to heal.


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