# Advice please!



## uh2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

I'm 23, he's 25, we have been married for 2 years and together for 8. My husband and I are separated right now and I don't know if we're going to make it. We have been each others only real boy/girlfriends and it has been a rocky 8 years. It started out with him standing me up all the time, then for a couple of years it was good. We did a lot of fun stuff together but I really babied him. I've always taken care of everything and made sure he got to work, planned anything we did, etc. He was raised not having to do anything for himself and it has really carried into his adult life. When I was 19 I wasn't getting along with my parents so we moved in together. I thought that we were just going to be high school sweethearts and live happily ever after and wasn't willing to let that go. When we moved in together he would just not come home or answer his phone several nights a week, or tell me he was coming home and just not do it. He started to drink a lot and just not care, at all about what I had to say. After his mom past away he was vulnerable, and started being the sweetest he had ever been and talked about getting married, so we got engaged shortly after that. We then had a small ceremony and were married two months after being engaged. I then planned a big wedding and thought everything had to be perfect. I had convinced myself that after we were married he would be the person I knew he was capable of being. His dad wanted us to move into his house after the death and we wanted to save money so I agreed to temporarily move in. Married life was not fun even in the beginning, he did not understand what it meant to be married. I do have my faults, I can nag and be controlling. All I really want is for my husband to wake up, us both go to work, come home, talk about our days and do whatever, I don't care if he goes out every once in a while or anything. I like to stay busy and do fun things, not to much to ask for in my opinion. He worked at his dads store and started slacking in school (we were both in college). I started getting so stressed out about what he was doing with "our" life and felt like I was going crazy trying to make sure he was on the right track to make our life better. He got off work at midnight and started not coming home and staying out drinking. Cheating has never been an issue for us and I still don't think he was cheating on me, even though I know it sounds that way. In October of 2011, I kept a journal of what happened between us and I counted that he came home 14 out of 31 nights. He didn't see it as so bad because I wasn't technically home alone, since his dad and sister live there. I would beg him to come home but he would tell me that he didn't want me to see him like that and he was so depressed. I finally started telling him that I was going to leave him but he didn't take me seriously. I finally got so fed up with him having no respect for our marriage and got an apartment in January. I blocked him from calling me and went about two weeks without even talking to him. Even me moving out didn't really phase him. It wasn't until I started texting this guy I met and him seeing it in my phone records that he realized that he's losing me. Well, two weeks ago he got in a car wreck and broke his hip so I had to be there for him. I honestly could have divorced him and moved on if I hadn't seen him. When I went to the hospital he admitted to me that he was doing drugs and drinking almost everyday. I am not okay with him doing any kind of drugs. We're just different people now, I'm about to graduate in May and he dropped out of college and isn't very ambitious. He's going through a lot so I feel like I need to be there for him but I just don't feel the same about him. I also feel like, I'm married and I need to suck it up, but I just don't see what I have planned for my life being possible with him. We have so much love for each other and still have this undeniable connection but that is not all it takes to keep a marriage together. I tried going to marriage counseling for months but he only showed up to one meeting. He is now trying to show me he can change but he cant really prove much to me when he cant do anything anyways with a broken hip. And im just so over it! Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations of marriage and what it's all about but I just don't know!! Advice please!
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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

My advice, is to leave. Sounds like he is using the excuse of a broken hip to not actively "do anything" for your marriage. (Sorry, you can talk discuss things, email, write letters, etc all with a broken hip.)

I'd leave the hip out of it. He has his dad & sis he can depend on for things with his hip. Tell him if he's still clean & sober for 2 months & is willing to work on marriage counseling (after he's clean), then you are willing.- but the first session he misses- you are out of it. You've had enough of his childish ways.

You are ready to move on to the adult responsible phase of your life. He is not. It will not really work out if you are taking responsibility of everything & making sure everything 'goes alright'. You will just end up having resentment to him for him trying to make you into his mommy.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
I can read a lot a sadness and angriness in here. I can read what you are tired of and what you cannot deal with anymore.
What do you want from this situation? Yes, marriage is big, but are you willing to stay for only the worst? You DESERVE to be happy. You DESERVE to have a beautiful life.
What the ideal relationship looks like to you? How can you get there? How does the ideal life looks to you? How can you get there?
Everything is possible; just take the time to know what you want.
I can tell that you feel obligated to be with him because of his accident. He has family to take your role. What role would you like to have in your life?


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

You've got a lot of back issues, plus current stuff to deal with.

You got married really young.

You have only really been each other's boyfriend/girlfriend. The high school sweetheart experience does work out for some, but both of you have been deprived of dating a wide variety of people. That makes it hard to know what you want in a life's mate.

The drinking and drug use has got to stop, period. Addiction is toxic, and usually fatal, to any relationship.

By only showing up to one counseling session, he is letting you know he is not plugged in to tackling the issues between you.

I think a good place to start would be to evaluate what you really want and require in a marriage, and what you are/are not willing to put up with.


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## uh2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

That's the thing, he never was willing to actually put the work in to fix things. But now that I left he's acting like he's completely invested in our relationship but it's all talk since he can't do anything now anyways because of his hip being broken. And I don't know that I feel like wasting another 6 months of my life while he heals and tries to show me he can be a good person. I think I'm going to tell him he needs to just fix himself and show me when he is able but that I'm not just going to allow him back in my life because at this point I'm still angry at him. So when I'm around him I just act like a ***** anyways. For the long haul though, I don't think we have a chance, I mean I want an exciting, fun life. I have goals and plan to adopt children one day and with his record and lack of ambition, those things are just not possible. We really have just grown so far apart but I just have a big soft spot for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Well, than live an exciting and fun life!  Live you goals and dreams!  That's why you are here for, not to take care of somebody that is giving you trouble, right?
Do feel bad to let him in his situation, if he wants out, he can get out by himself.
Go on with you life


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