# Six-year sexless marriage



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I am trying to make sense of a lot of different things right now, but at the moment I'll narrow it down to just a few concerns.

I have been in a sexless marriage for almost six years now. We have been intimate in other ways (on occasion), but we have not had intercourse in six years. And during the times we have been intimate (he "pleasing" me), I have always been the initiator. That, too, gets old after awhile! For many years he blamed it on his age (he's now 47), and that he was simply beyond his "peek." 

After three of so years of many tears, many occasions of voicing my concerns, many years of feeling like we were living as "roommates" as opposed to "lovers," we finally had a serious conversation earlier in the summer. This was only after he realized that I had reconnected with someone from my past via a few innocent emails.

He is now trying to bring the sex back into our marriage, but now erectile dysfunction is the problem. A concern that I have, though, is his strong interest in porn. This has been a problem since the day I met him (20 years ago), and although we have gone through the many cycles of me finding his DVD collection/him promising to throw it out, the cycle continues. I have recently found yet another collection of hard-core porn.

My question is, how can he - to this day - still have such an interest in porn, but no interest in having sex with his wife? I am attractive, I take good care of myself and I am not overweight. I have been very lonely for many years, and I'm just not sure about things anymore. We have no children, but we are practicing Catholics and I come from a staunch Catholic family, so the talk/thought of divorce would create an upheaval! Any advice or personal stories would be so very much appreciated!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He needs to quit the porn and his problem will probably lessen quicker than you think.

I`m no anti-porn advocate but your husband has a problem if it`s so seriously affecting his ability to get an erection with his wife.

I believe heavy porn use can desensitize you to real sex.

I`m also not an advocate of the term "sex addict" but it sounds to me like maybe what you`re dealing with believe it or not.
His just taking it out in the porn.

It`s waaaay unhealthy.
Do some Googling...

Google:

Porn and erectile disfunction
Sex addiction.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, with porn he has no pressure to 'perform' for anyone, and if he has ED issues, then there's even more anxiety for him when trying to have sex with you.

What is he doing about the ED issues? Has he gone to the doctor for a check-up?

And how willing is he to work with you on your marriage?

Because if he's truly willing, then he would be willing to get his ED looked in to and cut back or out the porn. He is using the porn as a crutch and it's creating a wedge between you in your marriage as he's not prioritizing you above it. He would also be willing to go to marriage counseling or a marriage retreat with you to work through your relationship issues.

So, how willing are YOU to work with him on the marriage?

Best wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think it may be worse than that enchantment.

There is a possibility/probability the porn is causing the ED.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I think it may be worse than that enchantment.
> 
> There is a possibility/probability the porn is causing the ED.


Yah. That could be true. Didn't think about that, but have read about it before and it could definitely be a possibility. 

Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sex using porn and masturbation and sex with a partner are two totally different experiences. Some men prefer the former, some the latter. Married men sometimes prefer solo sex to partner sex, especially in a long term relationship because the experience is more intense and he is allowed to explore his private fantasies and has a great variety of women/sexual situations to explore.

However this can make partner sex seem not as stimulating and can cause sexual dysfunctions when he does attempt partner sex. It really depends on the percentage of porn/masturbation vs. partner sex that he is having.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I'd look to the porn as the cause of his lack of desire. Heavy masturbation and porn use can cause men to lose desire which in turn can cause sexual dysfunctions such as difficulty getting of holding and erection or not being able to cum.

But in order to solve the problem you are going to have to dig deep to find out what is causing him to prefer porn and masturbation over partner sex. 

Heavy porn use is always simply a symptom of something else going on with the man. Childhood abuse iissues, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, various kinds of personality disorders, the list goes on.

Also if a man has a sexual dysfunction once or twice when having partner sex (caused by something other than masturbation and porn use) this causes anxiety to build until the anxiety itself starts causing the sexual dysfunction.

Many men who suffer from problems like E.D. or the inability to ejaculate turn away from partner sex because it has become stressful and unpleasant. Often these men suffer no sexual dysfunction whatsoever while masturbating alone. This re-enforces their preference for solo sex with or without porn.


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