# In desperate need of advice...don't judge!



## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

I had a 5 year affair while my marriage was in a strange place. My husband accepted a job in a different city. I had just had our baby...feeling low, lonely and the pressures of finances. Also, my husband didn't help the way I was feeling because he was flirting with my best friend every time we had a chance to get together as a group. 

He says he understands why I had the affair. He's obviously having a VERY hard time with it. We really do love each other. My affair was me at a very desperate point in my life. It almost helped me survive. The problem is....

We were virgins when we met 18 years ago (my husband and I). He has not slept with anyone but me. Now he feels like he wants sex with other women because he feels like an idiot for making the exclusivity a big deal. Also he says he feels dumb for being the only one who has now been with one person (in the relationship).

Everything I read says if two people cheat in this kind of situation the chances of splitting up are greater. Part of me feels like he should be with someone else. The other part of me feels scared that he'll fall in love....or that I won't be able to handle it. 

What should we do? I can't tell if he's angry and saying this... or if he just wants an open marriage now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I had a 5 year affair while my marriage was in a strange place. My husband accepted a job in a different city. I had just had our baby...feeling low, lonely and the pressures of finances. Also, my husband didn't help the way I was feeling because he was flirting with my best friend every time we had a chance to get together as a group.
> 
> He says he understands why I had the affair. He's obviously having a VERY hard time with it. We really do love each other. My affair was me at a very desperate point in my life. It almost helped me survive. The problem is....
> 
> ...


Two wrongs will never make a right and your husband is an idiot for thinking otherwise. Why cant he take the high road in this. Not only do you both have to deal with the fall out from your affair but adding more infidelity to the mix is gross negligence and stupidity. You both have to make a decision (a) he learns to forgive you and you both work like crazy to make the marriage work, realising how you both contributed to your affair (though there is never ever an excuse for it!) OR (b) you both decide that he cannot live with your affair (very possible) and you call it quits and move on. He can then sleep with whomever he wants and you suffer the consequences of your infidelity. It is that simple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did your husband live away from you? During that time how often did you see him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that your marriage is doomed no matter what he does. Why?

If he cheats with other women, there is most likely be no way back for the two of you. You are concerned about him falling in love. That's not the whole problem. You will be injured emotionally further. It causes a spiral of one injury after another.

If he does not cheat.. since he now has this idea in his head, he may not ever be satisfied, always looking to even the score. A marriage cannot survive with this kind of resentment.

Let's say you agree to this. How many women does he think equals your affair with on guy for five years? How many days, months, years does he get to cheat? There is no way to even the scale. Your husband lived away from your for a long time. He 

I find the post about someone siding with your husband on this to be amusing. I have not once, on all my time on TAM, seen anyone make this suggestion that a woman betrayed spouse should cheat on her husband because he made a complete fool of her when he cheated. Not once. As a matter of fact, I've seen women who had a revenge affair be ripped apart verbally, judged and called all kinds of names here on TAM.

If it does not play both ways... if it's not OK for a woman to have a revenge affair, then it's not ok for a man to have one. It goes both ways.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

MG I think you're completely right. I hate that this is where we are but...there's no other way. I like the few dates one session per person idea. Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc. I hope this makes things better. I know the odds are against us. 

The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> *The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.*


So in other word, shut up and endure husband !


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

I hope it's not doomed no matter what. He lived away from me for 9 months. He came home once every two weeks or so...I had just had the baby (baby weight) and I felt unattractive and lonely. He would flirt with my best friend...and I felt invisible. The man I had an affair with was very successful, in the public eye and attractive. We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me. It was the complete opposite of what I was getting (or not getting) from the father of my child.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

BlueDaisies said:


> MG I think you're completely right. I hate that this is where we are but...there's no other way. I like the few dates one session per person idea. Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc. I hope this makes things better. I know the odds are against us.
> 
> The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


I think you should just divorce. You are not remorseful at all, anyone who said they would do it again, probably will. Go back to your OM, you seem perfect for each other. There are people here who endured far worse than you have and you know what? They never cheated! That choice was your decision alone and your selfishness drove you to betray your vows, not your husband, you and you alone. You should have tried counseling, not screwing around. But that's just my humble opinion.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Blue Daises talk about blame shifting. I dont know your inner workings of your relationship however i do know that when you are unhappy with someone you see a lawyer make an exit plan and leave.

What happens next time you feel lonely or down? Do you have affair number 2.

You stated you would do it all again which doesn't show true remorse.

Naturally it looks like you just want to rug sweep this issue and expect husband to tow the line.

The only way you can remotely fix this is if you show true remorse and husband feels like you are being open and honest with him regarding your whereabouts and electronic devices.

However your blame shifting, and general excuses do not sit well with me. I bet your husband felt being away working was the best interest of the family at the time.

Whilst you were having this 5 year affair did you continue to accept all the comforts husband paycheck provided?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> BTW I travelled for 9 years - about 7 were out of town mon-thurs or fri night. Stopped traveling when my first kids were 2. Never occurred to me to cheat or that my wife would. I felt I made the sacrifice of traveling for the benefit if my wife and family. So "ouch" this is too close for comfort for me. Sorry...


Completley agree


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

always_hopefull said:


> I think you should just divorce. You are not remorseful at all, anyone who said they would do it again, probably will. Go back to your OM, you seem perfect for each other. There are people here who endured far worse than you have and you know what? They never cheated! That choice was your decision alone and your selfishness drove you to betray your vows, not your husband, you and you alone. You should have tried counseling, not screwing around. But that's just my humble opinion.


Maybe I should get a divorce...one thing is for sure...I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs. I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person. I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. I am married but I am married for LOVE first not society. I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that your marriage is doomed no matter what he does. Why?
> 
> If he cheats with other women, there is most likely be no way back for the two of you. You are concerned about him falling in love. That's not the whole problem. You will be injured emotionally further. It causes a spiral of one injury after another.
> 
> ...


I agree with you sista....but I am not so sure I really understand what she is asking here. I mean she sounds like she isn't sure about anything and neither does he. She sounds as if she wants to end it just because the whole thing is ruined and might very well be the case if she is saying he might be better off with another woman. I mean what happens the next time she feels lonely? All it takes is a man to notice her and wham you got another affair.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your husband going out and having a "revenge affair" will fix nothing. The score doesn't become even. Obviously he is angry. Its sounds like the two of you have different views on marriage. 

How long ago did the affair end? Has it ended? Do you want an open marriage? It appears you still have feelings for the om. Your unwilling to see how much your husband hurts by this and your using your "suffering" as a shield. Being happy for someone should not be dependent on being with another. That is something you need to look at within yourself. 



Why do you want to stay married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You guys just need to divorce. I don't think he's going to get over what you did, and you just come off as self-centered and entitled. Good luck.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"If it does not play both ways... if it's not OK for a woman to have a revenge affair, then it's not ok for a man to have one. It goes both ways."

Well here you go Ele (since you said you've never seen it)....I have no problem with RA's...and that goes for EITHER sex.

Giving a cheater a taste of their own medicine is fine IMO.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel."

Personally, I think your BH should forget about the RA.

That's because he should move immediately to D....and I say that because you are completely unremorseful for your despicable betrayal. You actually think that your A was justified because your BH was away WORKING FOR YOU AND HIS FAMILY, and only could come home every other week....shame on him for trying to better your life, I guess.

I heard this lame excuse constantly from cheating spouses when I was an officer in the Navy.....the BS was away doing their duty to their country, and earning the pay and benefits that supported their spouse and kids....and all the WS could whine about was the fact they felt lonely and unsupported.

To top it off, there is the following issue.

Any cheater who says they would still go back and have their A if they had it all to do over again simply does not deserve their M and their spouse. 

Let him go....you've done enough selfish damage to him over the past 5 years.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> The man I had an affair with was very successful, in the public eye and attractive. We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me. It was the complete opposite of what I was getting (or not getting) from the father of my child.


He probably had many women along with you all you where was a silly side piece so easy, yep uh huh yep your husband forgot the trash and left a bowl out and looked at your friends brests what a pig how about that b* now

wow 5 years of straight up cold cucken poor old hubby I bet you filled your sexual bucket list I hope you gave the same to your husband but probably not.

say again 9 months workin on the road and flirting with freind = I will show him how much I love and respect my husband by having a 5 year affair that hamster is spinning 

My wife ever pulled this dash would become an alcoholic and heavy gambler after Cashing in all retirement and savings when the kids left home, then I would seek help from AA and GA claming my wifes 5 yr affair drove me to drinking and gambling w4oren away everyting.
AA, GA, IC would tell me we have toxic relationship and need to d, alimony from burger king good luck lost my job being a drunk she would have to pay me oh the casino got very little and w4ores none of that money it got put in families gun safe 

G.H.H.H.M (got half of hers hundred of mine)

Really hope your husband does this



BlueDaisies said:


> Maybe I should get a divorce...one thing is for sure...I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs. I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person. I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. I am married but I am married for LOVE first not society. I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


rationalization hamster again
Me me me me I I I I I "uber entitled princess level achived"
And om needs to bottle up his seed and sell it as a cureall it's magical to hear you tell it 

Just devorce him and get a job turn down alimony, let him find someone that really loves and respects him as a man because you dont cant snow me over. Ok cupcake


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Blue Daisie.....firstly well done for having the courage to come on here and admit to having had an affair.

It also shows you are human. You were in a lonely place...when your husband WAS home he was flirting with another woman, he wasn't giving you the emotional support you needed.
Along comes this handsome chap who can have any woman he wants but he starts giving YOU the attention you crave. One thing lead to another...

Of course you shouldn't have had the affair, I think you probably realise that too. But it happened. 

Whilst you were having the affair and getting the attention, did it make your marriage 'environment' better?

Now...moving forwards. Your husband knows what you did and hopefully why...he must accept that he and his actions (lack of) were partly to blame.
However two wrongs don't make a right.

If he wants to 'dip his wick' elsewhere then you either have to agree on an open marriage or accept that as you went over the side its now his turn...or you simply close that chapter of your lives and move forwards together....or divorce.

Not an easy choice! Good luck.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Difficult to not be judgemental here.

Surely having an affair for 5 years is like a second marriage?

The honourable thing to do would be divorce. There is no justification for an affair. If you're not happy in a marriage talk things over etc. How is cheating solving any problems appart from feeding your ego?

Time to move on I think.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Aine - hubby is an idiot? And he should take the "high road"? I couldn't read past that - you are so far off the mark. SHE crapped on the marriage for 5 years. There is no "high road". He is not an idiot for having feelings. He isn't an idiot for knowing he was betrayed. The title says "don't judge" - can you show the same restrain for the victim in this case?


Yes, for thinking that sleeping with other women is going to make it all go away. What she did was terrible, but as I said in my earlier post, he has to make a decision, stick with her or leave. Throwing more infidelity into the mix is not the right way to go. It will be like a RA. On another note 5 years is a long time, wonder how long he was not around? There is more to the story I suspect.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I hope it's not doomed no matter what. He lived away from me for 9 months. He came home once every two weeks or so...I had just had the baby (baby weight) and I felt unattractive and lonely. He would flirt with my best friend...and I felt invisible. The man I had an affair with was very successful, in the public eye and attractive. We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me. It was the complete opposite of what I was getting (or not getting) from the father of my child.


But 5 years of deception, for a man who was away for only 9 months? I think you have dug your own hole here and this one will be very hard to fix.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> Maybe I should get a divorce...one thing is for sure...I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs.


So if that's the case what are you doing here? Your husband is unhappy, let him take care of his needs! Or does that rule only apply to you?

That's what's called entitled. Very selfish entitlement. You don't love him, you love yourself first and foremost. YOUR needs come above all else and everyone else's. Your needs first. You don't have his back, you won't look after him, take care of him, treasure him, in sickness and in health! Where do his needs fit into all of this?

Shocking attitude. Really shocking. 



BlueDaisies said:


> I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person. I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. I am married but I am married for LOVE first not society. I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


To be good isn't to suffer. And it certainly doesn't mean to make others suffer. Your happiness that comes at the expense of others, or to make others suffer purely to enable your own happiness is selfish. Very very selfish. The most selfish kind. And that's not real genuine happiness is it? To trample and sh1t on your partner for a bit of sexy confidence building and fvcking around. Really?

Love isn't anything to do with society. And love that is real and genuine is a strong love that doesn't flit off to screw others as soon as the chips are down. Real love endures. Do you have children? As soon as your children start behaving badly for periods of time, say teenage years, do you ditch them for someone else? No? Because you love them and you can see past this temporary difficulty?

You are well and truly bought in to the societal fantasy of love. That one that says we must be 'happy', happy at all costs. Costs to your self, your family, your children, and the wider society. Because people who behave as selfishly as you have, I fully include your attitude following the affair you have displayed here, are not people who make a good society. They are people who break down society and use good people for their selfish personal gain.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You justify your affair because your husband flirted with your best friend. Why did you deal with this? Lay down the law? You really want a husband who flirts with women in front of you? Does he really want a wife who wishes to fvck men as a response to this disrespect? 

Deal with the real problems here! Though it's too late for that I guess.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree with those who have said this marriage is doomed either way. He'll never be able to recover from this, especially since you don't seem particularly remorseful. The resentment will just build in him. You two should part ways before things get nasty.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

aine said:


> Two wrongs will never make a right and your husband is an idiot for thinking otherwise. Why cant he take the high road in this. Not only do you both have to deal with the fall out from your affair but adding more infidelity to the mix is gross negligence and stupidity. You both have to make a decision (a) he learns to forgive you and you both work like crazy to make the marriage work, realising how you both contributed to your affair (though there is never ever an excuse for it!) OR (b) you both decide that he cannot live with your affair (very possible) and you call it quits and move on. He can then sleep with whomever he wants and you suffer the consequences of your infidelity. It is that simple.


I think "idiot" is a bit harsh, don't you agree? His his is spinning, he had gotten no sleep for however long ago this happened. There is a perpetual low buzzing sound in his ear. His thoughts are consumed with what his wife did- 24/7. Is he thinking clearly? No. Is a revenge affair the answer? No, probably not. But let's cut the guy some slack. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> MG I think you're completely right. I hate that this is where we are but...there's no other way. I like the few dates one session per person idea. Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc. I hope this makes things better. I know the odds are against us.
> 
> The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


With that attitude there is no hope for your marriage. You would do it all again, with no regrets to this day. All because your husband took a job out of town. I assume the out of town job must have been lower paying than his previous job? No, it was higher paying? He did what he needed to help the household? I'm glad you have no regrets. Divorce him so he can find someone who will be a true partner in building a life.

That guy loved you so much he committed to you and only you at such a young age. And you urinated all over that for 5 YEARS. But you would do it again. No regrets. Got it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> MG I think you're completely right. I hate that this is where we are but...there's no other way. I like the few dates one session per person idea. Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc. I hope this makes things better. I know the odds are against us.
> 
> The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but *I'm not sorry for my affair.* It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, *if I had to go back I'd do it again.* He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


You don't regret having a 5-year affair?

Prepare yourself for a divorce.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Sorry I'm with hubby on this. Fact is you did make a complete fool of him for 5 years. I'd be surprised if your marriage succeeds at this point.
> 
> Same story for my wife and me - met 33 years ago and married 26 years. Both virgins. So I get it. I would be so pissed at you. I doubt he will ever be able to get past this - why would he? Yours is a pretty unique situation these days as is mine.
> 
> ...



Interesting. So if a husband cheats and both were virgins when they married she should then be able to fvck someone else so they'll be even? Got it.

Or is this logic just for men?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again.


Wow, this was a disturbing read, BD. I think that unless and until you change your tune on this, sadly, your marriage will fail.


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## MarriedGuy221 (Mar 16, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> BlueDaisies said:
> 
> 
> > I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again.
> ...


Bluedaises - wow it was late and amazingly I didn't correctly read your post. If you would do it again - (and you clarified and amplified that later) then I'm afraid I can not NOT judge you. I believe you SHOULD NOT be married to anyone, ever. I am not joking. You would prefer to be hurtful and selfish and vengeful than build a loving successful life with someone. That is the basis of marriage. 

We don't know - your husband could be a nice guy of a jerk - but that isn't relevant. Unfortunately, your dismissive attitude toward your spouse's needs and feelings and toward your basic responsibilities means there is no hope for this or any relationship with you - except maybe a sexual convenience FWB relationship.

if you DO want a relationship other than a F***buddy relationship, you need to RUN to IC now and get your attitude realigned. But I don't believe you do.

Sorry - very sad.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Blue Daisies, what marriage are you hoping to save?
At best, the two of you might be able to have a marriage with different partners.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

BlueDaisies said:


> The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


Thats pretty sad. A sexual affair or relationship should not be medicine for your problems in life. Maybe you should get some counseling?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

That was the first time I've heard of a point in life lasting five years.

As far as the idiot remark goes, he is an idiot if he doesn't divorce you.

I don't see what's wrong with letting him be in an open marriage since he has been in one for five years but didn't know it. The upside to an open marriage would be that he finds a woman that treasures a good man and he can eventually move on.

You've cut him too deeply for him to ever get over it even if you stay together. He will always know he was just your back up plan. Whatever happened to your true love? Was he also married?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Am I the only one here that is having a hard time figuring out what the OP is really wanting? It almost feels like a diary entree to me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> Maybe I should get a divorce...one thing is for sure...I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs. I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person. I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. I am married but I am married for LOVE first not society. I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


I agree with the others who think this is hopeless. You will save everyone more heartache if you settle on divorce now.

'Taking care of your needs' means food and shelter, not sex at any cost. Your desire to indulge your need for sex should stop when you cross the line into hurting someone else, in this case the very person you have vowed to love and honor. 

Because you so easily justify crossing that line, it is indeed selfishness. When you lie for 5 years to the person you love, not caring enough that you hurt this person, that is selfishness.

And it is, in my opinion, the opposite of self-preservation, since you have destroyed in the process one of the important foundations of your life.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> MG I think you're completely right. I hate that this is where we are but...there's no other way. I like the few dates one session per person idea. Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc. I hope this makes things better. I know the odds are against us.
> 
> The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but *I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. *He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


That attitude is beyond sad. You started having sex with another man when you had an infant. That is disgusting. 

How can you look at your new born baby and betray its father? To have been each others first, which so beautiful, then betray him with POSOM for 5 years? 

To your husband, you are now damaged goods. 
You were his pristine goddess but now you're just another woman. The breast that fed his kids, the mouth that kissed them good night, and the once sacred vag that carried his kids have all been sullied. 

The haughtiness of your tone is disturbing. You don't even realize that your stature is going to drop. Soon you'll be just another divorcee single mom. You were special now you'll be common.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Augusto said:


> Am I the only one here that is having a hard time figuring out what the OP is really wanting? It almost feels like a diary entree to me.


Hahaha .... sorry, could not help it 

Maybe she is fishing for ideas to bargain for better deal like less RA(s) as quality and quantity. They "love each other". Right?

And you guys are supposed to be experts in these matters. 
So what are you waiting for ?!! Cmon, move! Put the the good stuff on the counter. She is "in desperate need of advice...don't judge!"


To OP: 
Please send you husband here. He has a lot of work to do on himself. He might need to read books and maybe attend some therapy.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

A five year affair isn't an affair. It's a relationship and a big time one at that.

Honestly I'm surprised that you and him are still together after that long of cheating.

Did you at any point discuss the issue of him not being there enough for you? I'm sure that he would have like to have been there but if his job required him yo be gone then this should have been put on the table and brought to a head before you decided to sneak around on him.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> He lived away from me for 9 months. He came home once every two weeks or so...I had just had the baby (baby weight) and I felt unattractive and lonely.


He was away for nine months and you dated the OM for five years? 



BlueDaisies said:


> Also, my husband didn't help the way I was feeling because he was flirting with my best friend every time we had a chance to get together as a group. He would flirt with my best friend...and I felt invisible.


He flirted in a group setting with you there. It wasn’t behind your back. Did you complain at the time and stress that if he didn’t straighten up your marriage was over?



BlueDaisies said:


> The man I had an affair with was very successful, in the public eye and attractive. We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me. It was the complete opposite of what I was getting (or not getting) from the father of my child.


So you dated a rock star for five years. That shouldn’t make your husband feel inferior at all. Have you stopped seeing the rock star? If so why?



BlueDaisies said:


> I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs. I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person. I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


What you describe is an open marriage. Cut your husband loose and continue seeing the rock star.

*This is so over the top that I suspect a troll.*


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

This one's not for me

See Ya

55


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He wasn't flirting with her friend. She is saying this after the fact to justify herself and her entitled attitude.

He probably complimented her friend in a group setting and that somehow became flirting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Hmmm...you're all adults so you must know there is a ton of hurt and resentment from my side too. Of course were in the Puritan land of 'Murica! Where cheating is the worst thing a human being can do. Funny considering 60% of women in this country cheat. Europeans would laugh at you. When he flirts over and over. I ask him to stop with tears running down my cheeks and he says "she has some kind of hold on me I'm trying to stop" but continues....that hurts my womanhood too..it's not always about the man and his manhood for crying out loud. 

The 9 months were just the cherry on top of a relationship where he hardly spent time w me. 

As far as what I'm seeking..? Wanted to see if most people think this is over. Helps me realize where we are. He and I are having the best sex we've ever had...we're more affectionate now....he's taking me out now. So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do. Sex is just sex...how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your contradicting yourself. 
You just posted Sex is just Sex.
Earlier you posted that it was the only thing to get you through a terrible period in your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Hmmm...you're all adults so you must know there is a ton of hurt and resentment from my side too. Of course were in the Puritan land of 'Murica! Where cheating is the worst thing a human being can do. Funny considering 60% of women in this country cheat. Europeans would laugh at you. When he flirts over and over. I ask him to stop with tears running down my cheeks and he says "she has some kind of hold on me I'm trying to stop" but continues....that hurts my womanhood too..it's not always about the man and his manhood for crying out loud.
> 
> The 9 months were just the cherry on top of a relationship where he hardly spent time w me.
> 
> As far as what I'm seeking..? Wanted to see if most people think this is over. Helps me realize where we are. He and I are having the best sex we've ever had...we're more affectionate now....he's taking me out now. So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do. *Sex is just sex*...how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!


Word.

So then why _shouldn't_ he flirt w/ your friend? I mean... he should be able to have "_just_ sex" w/ her (assuming that she's receptive)... right?

How does your husband feel about the notion that "sex is just sex"? Given this...



BlueDaisies said:


> We were virgins when we met 18 years ago (my husband and I). He has not slept with anyone but me. Now he feels like he wants sex with other women because he feels like an idiot for making the exclusivity a big deal. Also he says he feels dumb for being the only one who has now been with one person (in the relationship).


I'd be willing to bet that he thinks it's a pretty big deal.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do. Sex is just sex...how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!


Why is it confusing? You make one of the best arguments for an open marriage that I’ve ever heard. Everything you add just makes it even better. 

You need to work on your husband so that he looks at life like you and the French. Have fun. Life is short. :smthumbup:


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> Hmmm...you're all adults so you must know there is a ton of hurt and resentment from my side too. *Of course were in the Puritan land of 'Murica! Where cheating is the worst thing a human being can do. Funny considering 60% of women in this country cheat. *Europeans would laugh at you. When he flirts over and over. I ask him to stop with tears running down my cheeks and he says "she has some kind of hold on me I'm trying to stop" but continues....that hurts my womanhood too..it's not always about the man and his manhood for crying out loud.
> 
> The 9 months were just the cherry on top of a relationship where he hardly spent time w me.
> 
> As far as what I'm seeking..? Wanted to see if most people think this is over. Helps me realize where we are. He and I are having the best sex we've ever had...we're more affectionate now....he's taking me out now. So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do. Sex is just sex...how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!


Typical WW thinking. Do the vows we taken when we marry mean anything? How would your child feel when they find out that you were banging another man for 5 years? 

Marriage is supposed to be a sacred union but to you it's nothing special. All that matters is your feelings. If you're hot for someone you go for it. If not you betray your vows. Are we animals? Slaves to inner whims? Has nothing to do with being puritanical. 

There is a natural law, that holds true through all religions and even the non-religios. You're not going to shame us into thinking you're way is acceptable. I don't care if you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Bhuddist, Hindu, or athiest. adultary is WRONG.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

So you agree with the Europeans you think would be laughing at the posters on TAM (ironically, quite a few of whom are Europeans themselves)?

Then why in the h*ll would you be telling your BH to stop flirting with other women with tears running down your face?

Bit hypocritical don't you think?

And I disagree with you on how more tolerant people view these matters.

There are indeed many more tolerant people today, both in Europe and America, who do not view open marriages or poly-amorous relationships with disgust and judgment...they are open minded enough to respect the fact that every adult human being has the right to live the way they want, as long as they are not hurting others.

I know because I'm one of them.

But that's not what cheating is....cheating involves lying and betrayal....creating a one-sided and secret open M for the WS only.....its dishonest and traitorous backstabbing at its worst.

And I don't know very many people at all, American or European, who would approve of disgusting behavior like that, even if they are very tolerant of people's lifestyle choices.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> Maybe I should get a divorce...one thing is for sure...I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs. I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person.* I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. I am married but I am married for LOVE first not society.* I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.



I'm very sorry but I didn't read anything past this post yet....

For me, I can't believe you really think (bolded) this as for five (5) years you have shown your husband how you really feel in one of the most hurtful ways to can to a man/male/guy.


Not saying your husband didn't do anything to wreak the marriage but he certainly didn't do enough (in my opinion only) to have you cheat on him for five (5) years.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Many French do not wear deodorant. So perhaps more Americans should go without deodorant.

Still, would stink a lot less than what you did, and continue to justify.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Is anybody freaking out that this affair lasted for 5 years. I don't know why they would choose to fix it. 5 years is a long time, was he just oblivious to any changes in the relationship to not even suspect that something was going on and wow, how did you manage to hide it from him from that long. There's a disconnect here. Did he ever came home during those 5 years?


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Sex is separate from love. It was the only thing I had with the attention at that point in my life. That's what I mean. Him flirting with someone he's known for years is emotional. So I'm not contradicting anything.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me."

This doesn't sound like just unemotional sex to me...especially since it went on with the same man for 5 years.

'Just sex' would have been random ONS's with no further contact....or hook-ups arranged on cheating websites....anything really except a long term continuous A with one man.

So, yes you are contradicting yourself...and yes it is still hypocritical given your emotional outbursts over him 'flirting' with your friend while you were allowing your POS boyfriend to stick his penis in you.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> Sex is separate from love. It was the only thing I had with the attention at that point in my life. That's what I mean. Him flirting with someone he's known for years is emotional. So I'm not contradicting anything.


You said that it was the only thing that got you through "weird" period of your marriage but then you also said that your husband was away for 9 months but the affair lasted 5 years. So what's the truth here ?

And what kind of flirting did you husband do that made you think that he crossed the EA boundaries ? So far you just said that he flirted but now it's an EA. Or is it just a justification ?

If you think fidelity is martyrdom and against self preservation than i don't think you should be married at all or just go straight to open marriage. Or rewrite the the vow, remove the 'forsake all others' and insert 'as long as you make me think that i'm happy'


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> MG I think you're completely right. I hate that this is where we are but...there's no other way. I like the few dates one session per person idea. *Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc. I hope this makes things better. I know the odds are against us. *
> 
> The saddest thing is...we still love each other very much. I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this...and he knows how distant and how lonely he made me feel.


Not sure how this board can help you. It would be better for BH to come here. We would tell him that a revenge affair will not fix problem or make him feel better about your betrayal. Even if he did bang a girl, what is that compared to 5 year PA. Besides finding an affair partner is difficult for a man. 

Most woman think better of themselves than to be a man's side piece. For a woman there is nothing to do to attract an AP. There is always a willing man. Common, your OM was willing to bang a mother with an infant. That guy is truly a POS.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> Hmmm...you're all adults so you must know there is a ton of hurt and resentment from my side too. Of course were in the Puritan land of 'Murica! Where cheating is the worst thing a human being can do. Funny considering 60% of women in this country cheat. Europeans would laugh at you. When he flirts over and over. I ask him to stop with tears running down my cheeks and he says "she has some kind of hold on me I'm trying to stop" but continues....that hurts my womanhood too..it's not always about the man and his manhood for crying out loud.
> 
> The 9 months were just the cherry on top of a relationship where he hardly spent time w me.
> 
> As far as what I'm seeking..? Wanted to see if most people think this is over. Helps me realize where we are. He and I are having the best sex we've ever had...we're more affectionate now....he's taking me out now. So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do. Sex is just sex...how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!


Why in the world would you remain married. Marriage is a commitment made by two people. Not Tom, ****, and Harry. I'm pretty sure the marital vows said forsaken all others. You seem very self absorbed. You said you love your husband but your actions state otherwise and you have the audacity to worry that he is flirting. Flirting seems innocent to me than to f*** someone behind your husband's back. Get off your high horse, release him so he can find happiness. When did you realize that you love your husband? Was it the gazillion time you were f***in you lover for 5 years.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Sex is separate from love.


Perfectly valid perspective. Does your husband agree? I'm guessing not.

Sex is (or was, anyway) special for your husband because he's only ever been w/ you and, prior to your affair, you'd only ever been w/ him. Now he's learned that he was essentially sharing w/ you another man for 5 years, that's gone now. Forever.



BlueDaisies said:


> It was the only thing I had with the attention at that point in my life. That's what I mean. Him flirting with someone he's known for years is emotional. So I'm not contradicting anything.


Not necessarily. Flirting is how people move from talking to sex. It's not necessarily emotional. You and OM didn't flirt at all?

Anyway, here's my read...

Since sex is "just sex" to you, you don't see the big deal in having spent 5 years sleeping w/ another man. Or other men... whichever the case may be. But since -- in your mind -- sex is more emotional for your husband, you're afraid that him sleeping w/ another woman or other women could lead to him finding love elsewhere.

That about it?

When and how did your husband learn of the affair? Did you end it prior to or upon his discovery of the affair? How long ago did you end it?

If the latter two questions don't apply to your situation... 

Are you still involved w/ your affair partner? Are you still in contact w/ him at all? Is he married?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your clearly never going to get it. Cheating destroys people and the fact you are not sorry for the hurt and the pain you caused your husband is your undoing as a wife. 

Just divorce and go be with the OM.

Your husband deserves better. 

There will never be a valid excuse for cheating. If you are unhappy you talk to your mate. If that doesn't work you LEAVE AND DIVORCE.

Clay


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> Sex is separate from love.


Yet another great reason to have an open marriage. :smthumbup:



BlueDaisies said:


> It was the only thing I had with the attention at that point in my life. That's what I mean. Him flirting with someone he's known for years is emotional. So I'm not contradicting anything.
> 
> The man I had an affair with was very successful, in the public eye and attractive. We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me. For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


So flirting in public in front of your wife with a woman you’ve known for years is emotional? Having sex with a rock star for five years for self-preservation is not emotional? Having the rock star’s full attention several times a day for five years isn’t emotional? 

*I think this is a troll but I can't help myself*


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Clay2013 said:


> Your clearly never going to get it. Cheating destroys people and the fact you are not sorry for the hurt and the pain you caused your husband is your undoing as a wife.
> 
> *Just divorce and go be with the OM.*
> 
> ...


That's not an option for her. A man with options isn't going to put a ring on a cheating mother. The knows if she's willing to cheat with me, she'll cheat on me. Besides, what quality man is going to raise someone else's kids?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jsmart said:


> That's not an option for her. A man with options isn't going to put a ring on a cheating mother. The knows if she's willing to cheat with me, she'll cheat on me. Besides, what quality man is going to raise someone else's kids?


Not to threadjack this circus, but there are many quality men who can and do selflessly raise someone else's kids.

The OM here is not a quality man by any definition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Graywolf2,

I'm thinking the same thing.....textbook emotional triggering for BS's in almost every post.

But even if we're right....its fun to point out the stupid, illogical inconsistencies in the argument/story.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> Hmmm...you're all adults so you must know there is a ton of hurt and resentment from my side too. Of course were in the Puritan land of 'Murica! Where cheating is the worst thing a human being can do. Funny considering 60% of women in this country cheat. Europeans would laugh at you. When he flirts over and over. I ask him to stop with tears running down my cheeks and he says "she has some kind of hold on me I'm trying to stop" but continues....that hurts my womanhood too..it's not always about the man and his manhood for crying out loud.
> 
> The 9 months were just the cherry on top of a relationship where he hardly spent time w me.
> 
> As far as what I'm seeking..? Wanted to see if most people think this is over. Helps me realize where we are. He and I are having the best sex we've ever had...we're more affectionate now....he's taking me out now. So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do. Sex is just sex...how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!





BlueDaisies said:


> Sex is separate from love. It was the only thing I had with the attention at that point in my life. That's what I mean. Him flirting with someone he's known for years is emotional. So I'm not contradicting anything.


If this is how you feel about sex, why do you care if your husband gets some strange?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

jsmart said:


> That's not an option for her. A man with options isn't going to put a ring on a cheating mother. The knows if she's willing to cheat with me, she'll cheat on me. Besides, what quality man is going to raise someone else's kids?


Clearly she has no problem finding someone else regardless the relationship she is in or who she hurts in the process. With that being said I am sure she can find someone. Will it probably be a horrible choice on her part. Maybe so but in all hopes she divorces her husband and he in the end takes custody of there child. Its a win win. She can go live her life and do what ever she wants and her husband can go find a decent woman to be a good mother for his child. 

I kept my kids and My xW still keeps her wonderful track record up. People like this will probably never learn and when they do it will more than likely be to late. The child doesn't need to suffer because she failed. The child needs a good stable parent and stable home life. 

Children with parents that cheat are likely to cheat as well. So its best the child is raised away from her as much as reasonable possible so the child can live a long happy stable life. 

Clay


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Not to threadjack this circus, but there are many quality men who can and do selflessly raise someone else's kids.
> 
> *The OM here is not a quality man by any definition.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right about some men being willing to raise someone else's kid. I'm not one but I know that some men that have options are still are willing to and I respect that. 

I use the word quality to mean a guy who can attract woman. OP described him as someone who could have any woman. To me, he's garbage but men and woman judge men differently.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You cheated on your husband and you lied to him for five bloody years? 

That's five of his birthdays, five of his Christmases. 

And you served each one of them to him with cheating and lies.

"Happy birthday, cuckold!"

"Happy Christmas, cuckold!"

*And you do not regret your affair?* 

Lucky your husband is a human and not a slug. Because all that salt you are rubbing in his wounds would have dissolved him. 

But! There's some good news. Your marriage can be fixed.

*But the bad news is that your marriage can only be fixed after you fix yourself.*


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> This one's not for me
> 
> See Ya
> 
> 55


You must have heard the sounds of chains being yanked and dozens of people going "CHOMP!"

And they bit


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> You must have heard the sounds of chains being yanked and dozens of people going "CHOMP!"
> 
> And they bit


Meh. Why not play along?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

From the way I look at this, I think your marriage is done. Not many marriages survive a five year affair and yours adds into the mix that you were exclusive with each other. This makes the pain much worse he must be feeling. 

It seems that you want your husband to just shake it off and for you to continue your marriage as it was before. I hope you realize this is a quite unrealistic expectation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Maybe I should get a divorce...one thing is for sure...I don't live my life the way you describe. If I'm in a miserable situation I will take care of my needs. I don't think you need to be a martyr for another person. *I believe in love and not the institution of marriage. *I am married but I am married for LOVE first not society. I live life to be happy and not to say I suffered because I was "good". For me it's not selfishness but self-preservation.


Then why bother staying married? Why marry? Why not a civil union?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You want to know if people here think this is over. I, for one, think it is.

And as an American who has lived many years in Europe, I can tell you that I wouldn't laugh at you as the tears streamed down your face. Nor would I laugh at your husband's pain.

That is the natural implication of what you claim, isn't it? That American 'puritans' are laughable because they condemn willfully hurting the people they make vows to? None of my European friends would think much of what you've done, I can assure you of that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Hmmm...you're all adults so you must know there is a ton of hurt and resentment from my side too. Of course were in the Puritan land of 'Murica! Where cheating is the worst thing a human being can do. Funny considering 60% of women in this country cheat. Europeans would laugh at you. When he flirts over and over. I ask him to stop with tears running down my cheeks and he says "she has some kind of hold on me I'm trying to stop" but continues....that hurts my womanhood too..it's not always about the man and his manhood for crying out loud.
> 
> The 9 months were just the cherry on top of a relationship where he hardly spent time w me.
> 
> As far as what I'm seeking..? Wanted to see if most people think this is over. Helps me realize where we are. He and I are having the best sex we've ever had...we're more affectionate now....he's taking me out now. So it's confusing. We love each other. We really do.* Sex is just sex.*..how do you think the French have been getting by? Grow up Puritan children!


Then let your H plant it where he wants and as often as he needs. Just sex after all.

Furthermore, I'm not French and do no give a rats arse what the French are doing.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

Your marriage died five years ago, you just haven't accept it. It's time to give it a proper burial.






If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Sex is separate from love. It was the only thing I had with the attention at that point in my life. That's what I mean. Him flirting with someone he's known for years is emotional. So I'm not contradicting anything.


Spin it how you like but at the end of the day the betrayal was served by you for 5 years. I'm not a Mathematician but I can see this does not add up.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

So loving yourself first is wrong? Isn't that what people should do...? Talk about contradictions. If I wasn't the kind of woman who took care of herself first he wouldn't love me. 

Also, what exactly was I supposed to do? Sit back and feel like a sad angel while he flirted with my best friend...hurt me...over and over? He wasn't giving me any of his time and sex seemed like a chore. So yes, the flirting kind of seemed like a BIG STATEMENT. 

Nope. I don't think so...I don't just sit back like a victim just so I can feel like I did right by society. He knew. I told him he was pushing me away. I told him I'd no longer be "his" if he continued to ignore me. He knows. He is mad at himself too. 

On a side note he also said he loves me so much that if I had a kid with OM he would raise it as his own.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting. So if a husband cheats and both were virgins when they married she should then be able to fvck someone else so they'll be even? Got it.
> 
> Or is this logic just for men?


lifeistooshort:

since I know you're real I think I'll just reply to you
(that came out wrong...everyone is real. that's what I meant)

I'm afraid this may be another one of those man things that makes little sense but exists nonetheless. men don't like to be compared to other men, sexually. This is some derivative of that I think.

My wife and I were both virgins when we married. I have to admit that when I think about it, if she cheated on me, that is THE VERY first thing that pops into my head! Even if we were to work through it and save our marriage, I still have this undeniable sense that I simply would not be able to accept her being able to compare me to someone while me being unable to compare her to anyone!


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> So loving yourself first is wrong? Isn't that what people should do...? Talk about contradictions. If I wasn't the kind of woman who took care of herself first he wouldn't love me.


Loving yourself does not mean carrying out destructive behaviors against yourself or others. Love is not selfish.



> Also, what exactly was I supposed to do? Sit back and feel like a sad angel while he flirted with my best friend...hurt me...over and over? He wasn't giving me any of his time and sex seemed like a chore. So yes, the flirting kind of seemed like a BIG STATEMENT.


The good Lord gave you a mouth and brain to communicate with your husband. You had a right and a duty to make yourself heard and if he still didn't listen, to move on with your life, without him. Divorce.



> Nope. I don't think so...I don't just sit back like a victim just so I can feel like I did right by society. He knew. I told him he was pushing me away. I told him I'd no longer be "his" if he continued to ignore me. He knows. He is mad at himself too.


You could have done this before you chose to betray him. Of course now that your ego has become morbidly obese by your 5 year affair, you feel courageous enough to tell him this.



> On a side note he also said he loves me so much that if I had a kid with OM he would raise it as his own.


Words mean nothing, and until he crosses that bridge, this statement is questionable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> On a side note he also said he loves me so much that if I had a kid with OM he would raise it as his own.


So is that your plan?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> So loving yourself first is wrong? Isn't that what people should do...? Talk about contradictions. If I wasn't the kind of woman who took care of herself first he wouldn't love me. *If you can't love yourself then who can you love? My W takes care of me first. I do the same for my W. *
> 
> Also, what exactly was I supposed to do? Sit back and feel like a sad angel while he flirted with my best friend...hurt me...over and over? He wasn't giving me any of his time and sex seemed like a chore. So yes, the flirting kind of seemed like a BIG STATEMENT. *Flirting and repeatedly having sex for 5 years does not compare.*
> 
> ...


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

What is cuckold?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> On a side note he also said he loves me so much that if I had a kid with OM he would raise it as his own.


So... If he loves you so much he is willing to raise the other man's child... Then what are you doing here in the first place? Everything must be hunky-dory! You are having best sex ever with him now and he is WILLING TO RAISE THE OTHER MAN'S CHILD! 

What again is the problem??

Thanks for the fun today, toots. Fun story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> What is cuckold?


This link will explain it.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Well I'm afraid he will fall for someone else. He's the best husband and father. I'm afraid of losing him if he ventures out.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> Well I'm afraid he will fall for someone else. He's the best husband and father. I'm afraid of losing him if he ventures out.


And you are right to be concerned, for he may end up finding a woman who would never do to him what you did to him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> I hope it's not doomed no matter what. He lived away from me for 9 months. He came home once every two weeks or so...I had just had the baby (baby weight) and I felt unattractive and lonely. He would flirt with my best friend...and I felt invisible. The man I had an affair with was very successful, in the public eye and attractive. We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me. It was the complete opposite of what I was getting (or not getting) from the father of my child.


Hubby was away for nine months, but you carried on the affair for 5 years. 

Five years. 

C'mon...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If this isn't a ***** post you are in a $hitty spot blue daisies. 

As you may have surmised from the posts, the problem is how and when do you close the dam. If you allow him to pursue other women openly then you might as well just open up the marriage because there is a good chance he will become "attached" and either start to have feelings for other women or simply get attached to having sex outside the marriage and never want it to end.

I wouldn't normally touch this kind of post with a 10-foot pole, but perhaps a better and more practical solution would be to offer him a 3-some with you and a hooker that you choose. You give him the fantasy that every man supposedly wants in a way that he cannot get attached. You will have some measure of control albeit emotionally painful. And if you live in Europe where prostitution is legal it shouldn't be too hard to make that happen. And probably cheaper than a mistress or two in the long run.

My 2 cents FWIW.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> Well I'm afraid he will fall for someone else. *He's the best husband* and father. I'm afraid of losing him if he ventures out.


No he's not. 

You said he left you alone for nine mionths and when he came back he ignored you and flirted with your friend. 

Which is it? 

How did he treat you for the four years three months afterwards when you were still sleeping with the OM? 

Why can you not admit you enjoyed having a husband and having another man on the side? That's why you kept your affair going. Be honest.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BlueDaisies said:


> I'm sorry I hurt him but I'm not sorry for my affair. It was the only thing I could do to get by at that point in my life. Honestly, if I had to go back I'd do it again. He knows this.


 If you let him know that you are "not sorry" for your affair, and that you had to go back you would "do it again", then you are not even a little bit remorseful and are fully capable of cheating again if you are not happy. Using your logic, since he is not happy, he has every right to have a full on affair with no restrictions, even if it means a long term relationship that he may leave you for. With your 5 year long affair, you were willing to have him take that risk even if he did not know it, and even now think that it was OK. I was going to say 2 wrongs do not make a right, but with your lack of remorse, I would tell your husband to party on with anyone that he wants, because without remorse, I would not recommend that he stay in this marriage anyway.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> On a side note he also said he loves me so much that if I had a kid with OM he would raise it as his own.


Ok calling shenanigans if this was real I woud need your husbands contact info so I can red pill and mgtow him, he will need it after the **** harpy you pretend to be.

And seeing how all this make believe and sick high fantasy I hope you write your protagonist goes on an aids diet and her teeth catch on fire and ebola victims wiz on her face to put it out:FIREdevil:


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Okay. I'm not posting anymore. Life has grey areas and everyone on here is so black and white. Just glad me and hubby don't think this way. Life happens. Love is messy. Name calling is childish.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> Okay. I'm not posting anymore. Life has grey areas and everyone on here is so black and white. Just glad me and hubby don't think this way. Life happens. Love is messy. Name calling is childish.


It's funny how many "grey areas " life has when we don't like what we hear.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It's funny how many "grey areas " life has when we don't like what we hear.


LOL, I love what I've heard. I especially like the 3 some idea. It solves a bunch of the issues...but this might just end in divorce. I'm under no illusions. I'm just saying...people are so stuck in one mindset. This is GOOD. That is BAD. Let's put everything into neat little pilgrim baskets and visit church now. It's entertaining to see this. We act as though we're not human beings. So afraid of what the afterlife holds...that we're willing to give up NOW.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> LOL, I love what I've heard. I especially like the 3 some idea. It solves a bunch of the issues...but this might just end in divorce. I'm under no illusions. I'm just saying...people are so stuck in one mindset. This is GOOD. That is BAD. Let's put everything into neat little pilgrim baskets and visit church now. It's entertaining to see this. We act as though we're not human beings. So afraid of what the afterlife holds...that we're willing to give up NOW.


Sooo... you want an open marriage for *you* but not for your husband? IOW, you get to play but he doesn't?


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... you want an open marriage for *you* but not for your husband? IOW, you get to play but he doesn't?


I just think he's more apt to fall in love. That would end any chance we had for sure. That's all. I mean he can cheat too...he can do it and not even tell me. That's life. Again, I'm under no illusions.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Well I'm afraid he will fall for someone else. He's the best husband and father. I'm afraid of losing him if he ventures out.


Yet you're not sorry for your affair, and believe in loving yourself before all others, etc.

You just don't possess the stuff that a good, or even marginal spouse is made of. All you want is to please yourself. 

You committed adultery. It is the worst and most disgusting thing you could do to your husband, and you don't care. The real crime here is that you are the mother of his child, and he's stuck with you in his life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> I just think he's more apt to fall in love.


Wow, grey areas with moving goalposts. 

Good luck to you.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Forest said:


> Yet you're not sorry for your affair, and believe in loving yourself before all others, etc.
> 
> You just don't possess the stuff that a good, or even marginal spouse is made of. All you want is to please yourself.
> 
> You committed adultery. It is the worst and most disgusting thing you could do to your husband, and you don't care. The real crime here is that you are the mother of his child, and he's stuck with you in his life.


Oh no! Do I wear a scarlet letter "A" and get burned alive now? Give me a break. What is adultery? If he has fantasies of sleeping with someone else everytime he sleeps with me is that admirable? Is that someone you should fool yourself into staying with? Must be easy to live and think the way you do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blue, you were able to live a lie for five years. How did you even do that? 

How did he find out?


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Wow, grey areas with moving goalposts.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Dear PHILLY BEEF AND SWISS....you don't by chance...fill the void of not really living life with food do you? Something tells me that's the case with a lot of people...and there's a clue in your name. Maybe you need a GOAL POST or two yourself, no?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Oh no! Do I wear a scarlet letter "A" and get burned alive now? Give me a break. What is adultery? If he has fantasies of sleeping with someone else everytime he sleeps with me is that admirable? Is that someone you should fool yourself into staying with? Must be easy to live and think the way you do.


Holy crap. Just divorce already.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blue, there's one way that's faster at getting yourself banned than mocking other members. But I fear if you d not remove that post of yours, your not going to get a chance to find out about the other way.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Holy crap. Just divorce already.


I have a kid. It's not that easy but I think we may be headed in that direction. Thanks for the input. LOL


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I have a kid. It's not that easy but I think *we may be headed in that direction.* Thanks for the input. LOL


You need to be.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Blue, you were able to live a lie for five years. How did you even do that?
> 
> How did he find out?


I told him. Didn't want to live a lie forever. When it happened I was upset and angry. When it ended I was tired of handling two men. One is enough. I think I could live happily without a man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I told him. Didn't want to live a lie forever. When it happened I was upset and angry. When it ended I was tired of handling two men. One is enough. *I think I could live happily without a man.*


Speaking for men everywhere, I think that's probably for the best.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I just think he's more apt to fall in love. That would end any chance we had for sure. That's all. I mean he can cheat too...he can do it and not even tell me. That's life. Again, *I'm under no illusions.*




Actually....It sure appears that you are operating under MANY MANY illusions. Eventually- they will go away and all you will be left with is yourself and the memories of the relationships you had. Years are going to go by -they will give you perspective -a clearer understanding of the choices you have made and the impact those choices have made on the ones dearest to you. 

The only person you will ever really have to answer to is yourself. Just make sure you are ready. 

Good Luck -I hope you can work this all out.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Dear PHILLY *BEEF* AND SWISS....you don't by chance...fill the void of not really living life with food do you? Something tells me that's the case with a lot of people...*and there's a clue in your name.*


Go back and check his user name more carefully... you'll notice it's actually *BEFF*, not BEEF. 

What I'm wondering is how you managed to hide the affair for 5 years with young children at home. How often did you see the OM? Did your husband babysit while you were out with the OM?


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> You need to be.


Yes I think so too...in fact, this post helped me see that more clearly. Honestly, a good way to pull myself away from it and take a look at the damage which I think can't be undone.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Oh no! Do I wear a scarlet letter "A" and get burned alive now? Give me a break. What is adultery? If he has fantasies of sleeping with someone else everytime he sleeps with me is that admirable? Is that someone you should fool yourself into staying with? Must be easy to live and think the way you do.


Naw, its easy to live and think the way you do. 

What is adultery? sheesh. You should know very well.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I told him. Didn't want to live a lie forever. When it happened I was upset and angry. When it ended I was tired of handling two men. One is enough. *I think I could live happily without a man.*




Sooner or Later you are going to be able to test this assumption. 

Probably sooner. 

I would suggest you really think through the choices in front of you. The consequences of each one have more impact than you could possibly imagine.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Go back and check his user name more carefully... you'll notice it's actually *BEFF*, not BEEF.
> 
> What I'm wondering is how you managed to hide the affair for 5 years with young children at home. How often did you see the OM? Did your husband babysit while you were out with the OM?


Because my husband ignored me which seems to be lost on a lot of people. That's a kind of abuse. We saw each other once every few weeks. Not constantly...that couldn't be maintained for 5 years.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Sooner or Later you are going to be able to test this assumption.
> 
> Probably sooner.
> 
> I would suggest you really think through the choices in front of you. The consequences of each one have more impact than you could possibly imagine.


What's the problem here? Is a woman who's not married a huge issue? I have family and a beautiful child. I don't need his income either. What's the horrific consequence?


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

With all due respect ma'am, what benefit does your husband derive from remaining married to you, if you are not repentant for your 5 year affair?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> What's the problem here? Is a woman who's not married a huge issue? I have family and a beautiful child. I don't need his income either. What's the horrific consequence?


How about: "So, why did you cheat on my dad for five years, mom? Was he really that bad a person? God! I really hate him if he could have driven you to do that!"

And then you have to explain that he wasn't really that bad a person and you see the look of bewilderment and pain in his eyes when he realised that it probably wasn't his father's fault, that you broke up his family for a... what? A bit of a fling? A lark? A bit on the side? Some extra-marital nookie that last for five bloody years?

That's a horrific consequence.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> What's the problem here? Is a woman who's not married a huge issue? I have family and a beautiful child. I don't need his income either. What's the horrific consequence?


Soooo....You don't think there is any consequence for yourself or your child?

Perspective....You need it. What you have is a family -comprised of your child, your husband and you. There are 3 of you. What makes you think the consequences of your actions (or lack of action) have no affect on anyone else? It's not all about you. That is what I was hoping you could slow down and think about.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> How about: "So, why did you cheat on my dad for five years, mom? Was he really that bad a person? God! I really hate him if he could have driven you to do that!"
> 
> And then you have to explain that he wasn't really that bad a person and you see the look of bewilderment and pain in his eyes when he realised that it probably wasn't his father's fault, that you broke up his family for a... what? A bit of a fling? A lark? A bit on the side? Some extra-marital nookie that last for five bloody years?
> 
> That's a horrific consequence.


Wow you should write a novel...!! No wonder you stick to the script...you already know how everything turns out! Good for you.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Wow you should write a novel...!! No wonder you stick to the script...you already know how everything turns out! Good for you.


Its not that people here know how everything turns out...just how these things TYPICALLY turn out. Open Marriage=BAD. Revenge Affairs=BAD. Working through the mess together=BEST CHANCE

I'm not judging you...I don't really care....why you did what you did...your reasons are your own. I just seemed like you were looking for some input...so i gave some.

Slow down, consider the options you have before you, decide which one takes you where you want to go. Just have a destination in mind before you start the journey.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Its not that people here know how everything turns out...just how these things TYPICALLY turn out. Open Marriage=BAD. Revenge Affairs=BAD. Working through the mess together=BEST CHANCE
> 
> I'm not judging you...I don't really care....why you did what you did...your reasons are your own. I just seemed like you were looking for some input...so i gave some.
> 
> Slow down, consider the options you have before you, decide which one takes you where you want to go. Just have a destination in mind before you start the journey.


I want to work it out. I'm going to give it my best shot. I know I should feel more remorse. The deeper question is why don't I? My feeling is that there are some things that have added up...and fueled anger for me. So I felt vengeful. Horrible I know but it's what happens. I can't tell him not to have a revenge A. He wants one. This is why I think we might end in D.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> Wow you should write a novel...!! No wonder you stick to the script...you already know how everything turns out! Good for you.


People come here freely to take the time out to offer you advise. Its clear you do not plan on really taking any of it so why are you here? I mean lets get real. If you can't come to terms with what you did was wrong then why waste another minute. You feel you did right and you feel good about destroying your husband so why not go with that and just live your life being that kind of a person. 

Personally I think what you did was wrong and I think its best you get a divorce but that is just my opinion but I seriously doubt you would listen to that as well. 

I hope your husband gets into counceling and sees the real person he married. Might even be wise to get a DNA test on the child just to be sure. 

Clay


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> I want to work it out. I'm going to give it my best shot. I know I should feel more remorse. The deeper question is why don't I? My feeling is that there are some things that have added up...and fueled anger for me. So I felt vengeful. Horrible I know but it's what happens. I can't tell him not to have a revenge A. He wants one. This is why I think we might end in D.


Yup because the cuckold stays faithful the the cuckoldress in your story


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Clay2013 said:


> People come here freely to take the time out to offer you advise. Its clear you do not plan on really taking any of it so why are you here? I mean lets get real. If you can't come to terms with what you did was wrong then why waste another minute. You feel you did right and you feel good about destroying your husband so why not go with that and just live your life being that kind of a person.
> 
> Personally I think what you did was wrong and I think its best you get a divorce but that is just my opinion but I seriously doubt you would listen to that as well.
> 
> ...


yes I think a divorce seems wise for the millionth time. did you read the posts at all? i said it would be good to divorce at this point. are you really giving advice or taking jabs? also i do appreciate advice. writing a script with a child asking questions and making it so dramatic...is just silly. people get divorced all the time. you tell the kids it sometimes doesn't work out. no need to get so dramatic. 

as to your low jab...my child is my husbands thank you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> Wow you should write a novel...!! No wonder you stick to the script...you already know how everything turns out! Good for you.


I know how it will turn out. Why? I have seen it all before. 

Cheaters cheat because they can. 

Fixing a marriage by cheating is like fixing an itchy toe by blowing your foot off with a shotgun, and then having the temerity to whinge and fret about forever walking with a limp. And blaming everyone else but oneself.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

High quality troll!!

However, the over-the-top solipsism, lack of emotion, etc makes me think this isn't even a woman. 

Just my opinion.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> I want to work it out. I'm going to give it my best shot. I know I should feel more remorse. The deeper question is why don't I? My feeling is that there are some things that have added up...and fueled anger for me. So I felt vengeful. Horrible I know but it's what happens. I can't tell him not to have a revenge A. He wants one. This is why I think we might end in D.


Perhaps you should seek professional counseling. Conquering this anger could be the first step in becoming an emotionally healthier individual.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I want to work it out. I'm going to give it my best shot. I know I should feel more remorse. The deeper question is why don't I? My feeling is that there are some things that have added up...and fueled anger for me. So I felt vengeful. Horrible I know but it's what happens. I can't tell him not to have a revenge A. He wants one. This is why I think we might end in D.


Exactly...Why don't you have remorse...You know the question. The answer is likely the stockpile of resentment you have for being left alone with a new child...probably much more. 

True that you can't tell him not to have a RA...you can't control people. But you could ask him to hold off...to give your marriage a chance to heal, a chance to work on things. Give it a timeline...whatever works. 

From the way you describe your husband...I would bet (heavily) that once he has an RA....he will feel zero percent better. he will have remorse...

Professional help can assist you both in laying the ground work for reconciliation. It can help you deal with your resentment- and it can help him process what has happened. Divorce is not an inevitable consequence of infidelity. Just another option -a choice. You both brought your marriage to where it is...you can both take it somewhere better -or it could end. There is never a guarantee in this life- for anything. But if it does end -you will know, that you did everything you could to repair the damage.

That he is even entertaining some sort of reconciliation, given the duration of the affair, is promising. You have a unicorn there...the odds of ever finding another one is pretty slim.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BlueDaisies said:


> yes I think a divorce seems wise for the millionth time. did you read the posts at all? i said it would be good to divorce at this point. are you really giving advice or taking jabs? also i do appreciate advice. writing a script with a child asking questions and making it so dramatic...is just silly. people get divorced all the time. you tell the kids it sometimes doesn't work out. no need to get so dramatic.
> 
> as to your low jab...my child is my husbands thank you.


Hang on just one moment! You asked "What's a horrific consequence?" and I merely gave you one example of a possible, potential horrific consequence.

Maybe you don't feel there can be any consequence of your actions, horrific or otherwise?:scratchhead:

That, coupled with your own stated concern over your lack of *any* guilt or remorse (is it possible that you confessed in order to hurt your husband?) indicates to me that you *might* have a personality disorder that would require some professional help. And yes, I *am* qualified in counselling and mental health evaluation and care, so I am not making that suggestion lightly.

Blue, you need professional help and I suggest you seek it ASAP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> Exactly...Why don't you have remorse...You know the question. The answer is likely the stockpile of resentment you have for being left alone with a new child...probably much more.
> 
> True that you can't tell him not to have a RA...you can't control people. But you could ask him to hold off...to give your marriage a chance to heal, a chance to work on things. Give it a timeline...whatever works.
> 
> ...


Oh, yeah. My wife's affair hurt me. But my own RA destroyed me. My own affair gave me a breakdown that required medication for a short while.

RA are never a good option. And I speak from bitter personal experience.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, yeah. My wife's affair hurt me. *But my own RA destroyed me*. My own affair gave me a breakdown that required medication for a short while.
> 
> RA are never a good option. And I speak from bitter personal experience.



I haven't heard of any RA's that had the desired effect. 

Once they happen -it sure looks like it brings the next level of of hurt. 

Hopelessness.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> I want to work it out. I'm going to give it my best shot. *I know I should feel more remorse. The deeper question is why don't I? *My feeling is that there are some things that have added up...and fueled anger for me. So I felt vengeful. Horrible I know but it's what happens. I can't tell him not to have a revenge A. He wants one. This is why I think we might end in D.


You can answer your own question by reviewing your own words: "I believe in love and not the institution of marriage."

I think marriage is just not for you. Your husband should probably be made aware of this and be allowed to decide if he thinks it is for him.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Hang on just one moment! You asked "What's a horrific consequence?" and I merely gave you one example of a possible, potential horrific consequence.
> 
> Maybe you don't feel there can be any consequence of your actions, horrific or otherwise?:scratchhead:
> 
> ...


It's possible you are right. I have some sort of disorder. I'm sure everyone has some sort of personality disorder if we looked close enough. I would like to seek counseling though. Good idea.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You can answer your own question by reviewing your own words: "I believe in love and not the institution of marriage."
> 
> I think marriage is just not for you. Your husband should probably be made aware of this and be allowed to decide if he thinks it is for him.


I think you're right.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> yes I think a divorce seems wise for the millionth time. did you read the posts at all? i said it would be good to divorce at this point. are you really giving advice or taking jabs? also i do appreciate advice. writing a script with a child asking questions and making it so dramatic...is just silly. people get divorced all the time. you tell the kids it sometimes doesn't work out. no need to get so dramatic.
> 
> as to your low jab...my child is my husbands thank you.


It wasn't a Jab. Its something I thought about when My xW cheated on me over and over again and I was stupid and just kept giving her chances. I learned from that. I did test both of my kids. I divorced her 8 years ago and she still is a looser. Some people never learn. 

You sound alot like her. If you really want to fix this then you need to stop and really listen. You need to see a counceler and get help. There has got to be some reason why you don't feel remorse for destroying your husband like you did. If you really want help I think that is where you need to start. 

Once you get a grip on yourself then you could look at a actual real relationship with your husband. I still think you should let him go. He deserves better and shouldn't have to wait for you to figure things out. Its your mess and if you have the control over him like you say you should push him in a healthy direction. 

that is just my 2cents

Clay


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You can answer your own question by reviewing your own words: "I believe in love and not the institution of marriage."
> 
> I think marriage is just not for you. Your husband should probably be made aware of this and be allowed to decide if he thinks it is for him.


Maybe...But more likely she believes in Love and believes that marriage is an expression of that love. Only she has gone to a place where she cannot reconcile her belief in love with the reality of her marriage in its current state. 

This is fixable.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

dash74 said:


> Yup because the cuckold stays faithful the the cuckoldress in your story


Unclear what you're saying "yup" to? Thanks for the name calling. You're super!


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Clay2013 said:


> It wasn't a Jab. Its something I thought about when My xW cheated on me over and over again and I was stupid and just kept giving her chances. I learned from that. I did test both of my kids. I divorced her 8 years ago and she still is a looser. Some people never learn.
> 
> You sound alot like her. If you really want to fix this then you need to stop and really listen. You need to see a counceler and get help. There has got to be some reason why you don't feel remorse for destroying your husband like you did. If you really want help I think that is where you need to start.
> 
> ...



"she still is a loser...you sound a lot like her" and "that is just my 2cents" 

Yeah you take zero jabs. Passive aggressive much buddy? I'm not your ex. Take your bitterness somewhere else.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> What's the problem here? Is a woman who's not married a huge issue? I have family and a beautiful child. I don't need his income either. What's the horrific consequence?


If you truly hold (a) marriage in general, (b) your marriage in particular, and (c) your husband in such low regard that you do not consider the dissolution of your marriage to be any sort of consequence, then you don't need to be married.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

BlueDaisies said:


> Unclear what you're saying "yup" to? Thanks for the name calling. You're super!


Yup to hubby sleeping around being a deal breaker for you, what does that name stand for well lets look it up 

Cuckold - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
https://cuckoldlifestyleandrelationships.wordpress.com/what-is-a-cuckoldress/

Army buddy of mine brushed his teeth with a shotgun because of that crap and a kid that was not his and he was not willing, like you are trying to make your husband. You are playing with fire 

And thanks you are super too BlueCupcake :smthumbup:


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

You may want to read the story of another wife who also had a 5 year affair:

*My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 1)*.
*My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 2)*
*My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 3)*
*I can't give him what he needs! Help!*


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If you truly hold (a) marriage in general, (b) your marriage in particular, and (c) your husband in such low regard that you do not consider the dissolution of your marriage to be any sort of consequence, then you don't need to be married.


My husband and I love each other. That comes first. Marriage is just a piece of paper. It doesn't force you to do anything. It's not magic.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> BlueDaises... You seem to have been able to absorbe what people are saying and have acknowledged that. That's good. You've acknowledged you probably feel no remorse because of resentment but want to know why. That's good also.
> 
> Hopefully you are beginning to see the people on TAM are not all black and white, but are here because of their experiences and are willing to share their thoughts.
> 
> ...


Very true that people will typically approach these issues through the lens of their own pain. It is what it is. ....and the advice is free. 

Also true- we can only help the person that is HERE. OP came here. OP asked the questions. 

I would assume she loves her husband -if she didn't -she wouldn't be here and wouldn't bother. 

It might be a good idea for OP's husband to post here....but then again...maybe it wouldn't- for same reason above. She's the only one that knows.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

dash74 said:


> Yup to hubby sleeping around being a deal breaker for you, what does that name stand for well lets look it up
> 
> Cuckold - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> https://cuckoldlifestyleandrelationships.wordpress.com/what-is-a-cuckoldress/
> ...


I never said it's not okay for him to sleep with others now. Maybe you should read the thread and what i say before your helpful post sugar.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me.





BlueDaisies said:


> We saw each other once every few weeks. Not constantly...that couldn't be maintained for 5 years.


So you and the OM talked several times a day and he gave you his full attention. Then you met up once every few weeks for sex.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Graywolf2 said:


> So you and the OM talked several times a day and he gave you his full attention. Then you met up once every few weeks for sex.


Is there something I'm missing? YES we messaged several times a day then met when we could find time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> My husband and I love each other. That comes first. *Marriage is just a piece of paper.* It doesn't force you to do anything. It's not magic.


You're absolutely correct. _But you're also *completely incorrect*._

I'll get into details later.

What's sort of adorable is that you seem to think that you've stumbled onto some sort of grand secret to which only a privileged few are privy.

Tell you what, answer this... whether married or not, how would you feel if your husband were to tell you that, aside from co-parenting your child, he no longer desired to be in ANY sort of relationship w/ you?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> Is there something I'm missing? YES we messaged several times a day then met when we could find time.


Why ask us? You're either going to do whatever you want, and screw whoever you want, and ignore your responsibilities; OR 

You're going to make up other silly stories to aggravate people.

I hope you aren't really a parent.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> We talked several times a day and he gave me his full attention. I couldn't believe this man, who could have any woman, chose me.





BlueDaisies said:


> Is there something I'm missing? YES we messaged several times a day then met when we could find time.


I’m just trying to nail down how emotional it was. If it was just sex all you needed to communicate was a time and place,


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Graywolf2 said:


> I’m just trying to nail down how emotional it was. If it was just sex all you needed to communicate was a time and place,


Sort of contradictory, isn't it?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sort of contradictory, isn't it?


Please not the truth it will melt 



Right suger


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're all over the map with your justifications and 'philosophy' of life. I don't see any coherence in what you espouse other than you were p!ssed at your BH, so you had an affair in response.

You brought a child into this mess, which is too bad. Divorce and IC for both you and your poor BH. If you love him, then let him find someone who isn't so selfish and vengeful. 

(You seem to think that you represent an enlightened mindset, one that sees the nuances and shades of grey. I disagree. To me you sound like a muddled thinker trying to construct high-minded justifications for childish self-indulgence.)


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

I'm not trying to justify it. Just telling the truth. I never said what he did is directly proportional to what I did. Sometimes good people do bad things. If you don't believe that then you're the narrow minded one. 

I would be very sad if he wanted to leave. Not sure what that proves? 

To those trying to find inconsistencies in my affair...why? It was emotional and sexual. Picking that apart to find what nugget to use against me?

I don't usually think I'm so enlightened but this makes it easy.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> "she still is a loser...you sound a lot like her" and "that is just my 2cents"
> 
> Yeah you take zero jabs. Passive aggressive much buddy? I'm not your ex. Take your bitterness somewhere else.


That was not meant as a jab and maybe your reading to much into it. I don't think your her. 

I guess I go back to my other statement. Why are you here? It sounds like your here just to piss and moan about how horrible your husband was to you to justify your horrible behavior. I doubt you will ever really change with your attitude. 

I think your wasting peoples time here.

Clay


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

relax and keep your focus on rebuilding trust in the marriage 

If he has a RA or decides to divorce you will cross that bridge when you get there .Otherwise for now relax and focus on strengthening the marriage , and marriage is for two and not three so no threesome


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> Dear PHILLY BEEF AND SWISS....you don't by chance...*fill the void of not really living life *with food do you? Something tells me that's the case with a lot of people...and there's a clue in your name. Maybe you need a GOAL POST or two yourself, no?


If a 5 year long affair, hypocrisy, and narcissistic justification mean filling a void while "really living life".....I definitely do not need your moving goalposts.

Then again the bold projection says a ton about the unhappiness in your marriage. I sincerely hope you get help.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> I'm not trying to justify it. Just telling the truth. I never said what he did is directly proportional to what I did. *Sometimes good people do bad things.* If you don't believe that then you're the narrow minded one.


This is true. And most of us here are more than aware of that.



BlueDaisies said:


> I would be very sad if he wanted to leave. Not sure what that proves?


Only that you're human. Thanks.



BlueDaisies said:


> To those trying to find inconsistencies in my affair...why? It was emotional and sexual. Picking that apart to find what nugget to use against me?


And yet you're afraid that your husband will choose to engage in a similar relationship w/ another woman?

Either way, this contradicts your "sex is just sex" comments, at least in that it speaks to the notion that, for you, sex w/ OM wasn't "just sex".



BlueDaisies said:


> I don't usually think I'm so enlightened but this makes it easy.


That you think so says WAY more about you than it does about anyone here.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

BlueDaisies said:


> To those trying to find inconsistencies in my affair...why? *It was emotional and sexual. *


Your entire point was that you had a sexual affair and are fine with your husband having them too. You are worried about him having emotional affairs because he might leave you.

*So you can have an emotional affair but your husband can’t?*



BlueDaisies said:


> Well I'm afraid he will fall for someone else. He's the best husband and father. I'm afraid of losing him if he ventures out.





BlueDaisies said:


> Part of me feels like he should be with someone else. The other part of me feels scared that he'll fall in love. I like the few dates one session per person idea. Do women on Tinder just sleep with men like that? I hope so...I don't want him to have to court someone etc.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

The 3 some idea was the best bad solution amongst a myriad of bad solutions. You have a serious problem blue daisies. A 5 year affair isn't a oopsie or a "I really got drunk one night and...".

You have been the instigator of a long term betrayal that your H is unlikely to recover from. Your marriage will not likely survive r

You spread your leg.and gave something to your AP that is supposed to be reserved for your H. I don't care if you live in France or Scandinavia or wherever else in Europe where affairs aren't so 'against the norm'. 

And if you are unremorseful and you want to stay in your marriage you are at the mercy of whatever your H decides to do. Your efforts to control the damage are going to be pretty limited. 

I am a pretty understanding and forgiving person, but if I found out my wife had been having a 5 year affair while I was working my ass off overseas to support her and my kid, I would tell her unequivocally that "you have no right to dictate to me what I can or cannot do any more. I am going to do whatever the F I want and I don't give 2 $hits how you feel about it. You can deal with it or hit the road, I don't care.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BlueDaisies said:


> So loving yourself first is wrong? Isn't that what people should do...? Talk about contradictions. If I wasn't the kind of woman who took care of herself first he wouldn't love me.
> 
> Also, what exactly was I supposed to do? Sit back and feel like a sad angel while he flirted with my best friend...hurt me...over and over? He wasn't giving me any of his time and sex seemed like a chore. So yes, the flirting kind of seemed like a BIG STATEMENT.
> 
> ...


My husband has hurt me over and over again with emotional neglect, emotional abandonment, alcohol abuse, infidelity (the one i know of there could me more, still wondering). Have I thought about doing the same to him, yes you bet I have because I have wanted him to hurt the way I have but I would never cross that line because I know it would not solve anything only complicate matters. Revenge only causes problems for you.
You have not only crossed the line but continued it for 5 years. You sound either very young or narcissistic to think that your actions would not have detrimental consequences. What your husband did was very very wrong, instead of making his wife feel loved and secure when she was most vunerable he didn't. You can either choose to destroy each other with your actions or grow up and move along.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

Graywolf2 said:


> Your entire point was that you had a sexual affair and are fine with your husband having them too. You are worried about him having emotional affairs because he might leave you.
> 
> *So you can have an emotional affair but your husband can’t?*


Just cause I'm worried doesn't mean he CANT. I think he should. It's just hard and I accept it. Scared of something doesn't mean you're making someone NOT do it. Understand? 

I'm human. I'm not sitting on a high horse like a lot of you here. What bothers some of you is that I'm not hating myself. I love him but he turned away from me. Guess what happens when you turn away from someone? Yeah, they leave. Emotionally, physically all of the above. If some of you say "Oh my husband was a jerk but I stayed...why didn't YOU?" The answer is...because that's not ME. I don't agree with that nor do I do that. I'm not some object you get to keep for yourself. I'm a person. Maybe in the future our society can start to see this kind of thing as unfair. Did I want to divorce him? Sure..but life is complicated and we have a child. We are both very good parents to our kid. We haven't fought in front of her nor do we do anything but show love.


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## BlueDaisies (Apr 14, 2015)

So where do you draw the line? If someone hurts someone in a relationship they should divorce? Wow. That's a ton of divorce.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

askari said:


> Blue Daisie.....firstly well done for having the courage to come on here and admit to having had an affair.
> 
> It also shows you are human. You were in a lonely place...when your husband WAS home he was flirting with another woman, he wasn't giving you the emotional support you needed.
> Along comes this handsome chap who can have any woman he wants but he starts giving YOU the attention you crave. One thing lead to another...
> ...


I posted the above on page 2 of this thread yesterday....its now on page 12. I have skimmed through the pages....BlueDaisie is getting a blasting from a good many people on here.

We all know that affairs are wrong, but we are all human. How often have any of you (us) have done some private photocopying at work? Taken a work pen home? Taken some drawing pins home?
Well, to those of you who have you are thieves. You stole. You knew it was wrong but you still did it.

A penniless, homeless and starving person goes into a store and steals a loaf of bread....
A teenager goes into an Apple store and steals an Iphone 6...

I can tell you that in law they are BOTH guilty of theft. If you were a cop, which one would you let off and which one would you prosecute?.

Blue D was not getting the love, attention and support she so badly needed at home from her husband...along comes this guy who DOES give her all that. She was thirsty so she drank. She knew it was wrong but she was thirsty.

No one is perfect. Married men and women have had affairs since the year dot and will continue to do so for the rest of time. Its a fact of life.

To those of you in marriages that are very happy...where all your emotional, physical, tangible, non tangible and sexual needs are met by your spouses....how lucky you are. Thats all 'we' spouses in marriages where all that is missing crave for.

I hope that BD and her husband can put all 'this' behind them and take their marriage to a new, better and happier place...where neither are thirsty...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askari said:


> I posted the above on page 2 of this thread yesterday....its now on page 12. I have skimmed through the pages....BlueDaisie is getting a blasting from a good many people on here.
> 
> We all know that affairs are wrong, but we are all human. How often have any of you (us) have done some private photocopying at work? Taken a work pen home? Taken some drawing pins home?
> Well, to those of you who have you are thieves. You stole. You knew it was wrong but you still did it.
> ...


Your view of this is not very popular here, sadly.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

There are too many reports for this thread. It's becoming ban bait. And with that I'm closing the thread.


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