# marriage is freaking tough



## hubbyTN (Jan 16, 2014)

Been married 7 years. I've been unhappy for 2 and my wife has for 5. We have 2 kids. My memory is not so great as to details about her. She says I don't try to "know her" anymore. That we are more like roommates. I've read various books and seen counselors yet I still manage to not make her any happier. Through all of this I've had ideas for an app to help me be a better husband. To log and remind and suggest things to me. I've started working on this app and am looking for people who are interested in testing and brainstorming with me.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Read the Five Love Languages, have her take the test so you can speak to her in "her" language. This will go a lonnnnng way my man.


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## hubbyTN (Jan 16, 2014)

It's way more than calendar reminders. 
I've read five love languages. It's good.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## hubbyTN (Jan 16, 2014)

It's a lot more than a calendar reminder. 
The love languages is a good book.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

hubbyTN said:


> It's way more than calendar reminders.
> I've read five love languages. It's good.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I'm in the .001% of the board that thinks that a book isn't going to help a situation like this.

If a man is trying to do everything he can but is still falling short in her eyes than there is nothing you can do.

Spinning your wheels helps nobody. Frustrates you and irritates her. Find out the reason why she's not into you anymore. You may never get a real answer but try. 

The whole "we feel like roomates" talk is not specific enough. It's a symptom of a larger issue.


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

Please don't take this the wrong way.
The fact that you say your "memory is not so great" and your suggestion is to build an app to fix it makes me think of something (since I am getting divorced).......and again, please don't take this the wrong way.........................................................................

Can I ask, what do you do for a living?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

The more you retreat into a gadget, device or aid the more disconnected you'll become form your wife. Basically your proposed solution will actually foster the problem itself. I have a better idea for your phone app. The power button. No judgement. Just saying. Put the thing down. When I come home at night, my cell goes on the table at the end of the couch to be charged, and in case someone calls as we don't have a "house phone". If it doesn't ring then I don't touch it. In the morning I put it in my pocket and go to work. Being absorbed into or distracted by a device, any device, is crap.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

There have actually been people on TAM who have done just this at the recommendation of others, and I think it makes sense and can be a good idea for some people.

If her love languages are vastly different, and the things she needs just don't come naturally, then reminders can be helpful until the behavior becomes habit. If she is big on words of affirmation and would love a text in the middle of the day just to say I'm thinking about you, then what's wrong with a reminder to do it? After a while, these things will become habit even if they don't come naturally.

The big issue though could be if she is of the type that feels as if needing to be reminded means it doesn't count. Some people are like that...that if he takes out the trash without being asked, it's a loving act of service, but if she asks him to do it, he does it immediately, and in exactly the same way, because she had to ask, it doesn't count and means he doesn't love her...a very thin line.


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## hubbyTN (Jan 16, 2014)

I'm a software engineer. 
I don't get sucked into my devices. When I'm home my phone is on a counter. I'm not on it when I'm with my family. She gets sucked into her devices though. If anyone is genuinely interested in trying it and giving me feedback send me a msg. Thanks

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## hubbyTN (Jan 16, 2014)

I'm a software engineer.

No, I don't retreat into my gadgets. My phone is on the table when I am home with my family. My wife is the one who often chooses her devices over us.

If anyone is genuinely interested in testing with me, please send me a message.


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

Hi,
I am not surprised that you are a software engineer. I knew it would be something math or technical.

I really, really, really don't think building an app is the answer.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

What were your wifes main love languages?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Maybe a lot of your thing is coming from the way she treats you , or doesn't !

My ex made me go distant and not feel it because l just didn't like the way she was treating me and other changes .

Just sayin , takes two to tango , maybe find the causes first. Mine took no notice when l tried to tell her and it just got worse but if it is something maybe yours will take notice and do a bit of work to .


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