# New here, and feeling hopeless



## Dazed (Jun 2, 2010)

I just found this board last night, and I need support really badly. My husband left after we had a horrible argument, and I just want him to come back. He left on March 19th, we will be married 5 years this month. I have tried begging, crying, and now I am down to just doing nothing. It's horrible. I cry everyday and am barely making it at work. His family have been wonderful, but even they tell me I am doing better without him. We are so different, but have things in common that brought us together in the first place. He is 14 years older than I am, and he tells me that we are just from different worlds and marrying me was a mistake. I look back now and can see where things started to fall apart, but I didn't realize it then. I got really sick right about the time we got married....and it has taken the last 5 years to get everything under control. He never has understood how I could be so sick and feel so bad. I am on 9 different medications right now, but things have finally leveled out to where I have some energy and can function. He works out of town all week (construction) and our whole marriage he has only been home on the weekends. The last year his weekends have consisted of coming in, going to play poker on friday nights, going to see his friends on saturday and sunday. He didn't leave any time for us. We hadn't made love but once in the past year, but people were telling me that was probably because of how much he drinks and how tired his job makes him. I tried to talk to him about it...I told him that lack of affection was making me depressed. Since I was depressed, I didn't clean house well....or even want to get out of bed. We had 5 horses when he left, and during the week my 14yr old daughter and I had to take care of them. I work a high pressure 40+ hour a week job. When he would come in on the weekends, he didn't think he should have to help clean the stalls or take care of things around the barn. I know his faults and I know mine. I just wish I had another chance to fix things. I don't feel like either one of us gave it all we had. I know he has told people some untrue things about me...but I can overlook that. Has anyone came back together after 10 or 11 weeks? How did you do it? If anyone wants to know more just ask...I am simply hurting so badly that all I can do is cry when I am at home. People can't mention him without me crying. Please help.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Mrs. Dazed, 1st I just would like to let you know I'm going thru a bad break up very bad... which was very abusive.. I pray alot its been 1 week and 1 day for me... I sorround myself with my two wonderful girls, family and friends. I pray every night and thru out the day asking for the strength to get thru this. 

Now try and pray and ask for the strenght you need to get you thru this day and to the next. You and your daughter hang out do mother daughter things. Go shopping. Get a calender and place a happy face on the calender at the end of that day showing you got thru it.. 

To me he sounds very selfish and it seems like he don't care about you.

It's not going to be easy trust I have a 10 year old and a 5 month old it's really hard for me.. I feel the same you way you feel... 

Now if it's meant for you too to be together then he will find his way back.. however if he don't its his lost you are much younger get out there and live your life you get only one. YOU CAN DO IT.


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

pray and pray harder it is the only answer..remember that there is reason for this


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

When you say he left - where did he go? Has he stayed in touch?

My first impulse is to tell you that 5 weeks isn't a REAL long time - many people here have been in limbo much longer than that. But obviously this has been a very painful 5 weeks for you that was years in the making.

Why does he say that marrying you was a mistake?

What are you taking medications for?

First and foremost - if you want him to come back for the right reasons, you'll need to get ahold of yourself, at least when you have the chance to talk to him. Begging and pleading are not good. Try to be a person that he'll want to come home to, if thats what you really want.

You'll get a lot of good advice here. You might try putting this out in the "General" section to get more responses.


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## Dazed (Jun 2, 2010)

Thanks for the replies...I have gone back to church, after a 20+ year absence. I pray everyday, but I still get discouraged. I try to let it go...but I can't. 

Nice777guy....we lived (I still live there) in a house that his brother owns. I live beside his brother and his wife. The next house is my brother-n-laws's daughter and her fiancee. The next place is my sister-n-laws brother and his wife. The next one is my brother-n-laws son and his wife. There are a couple other family members there also. Now, I met my brother-n-law and all the family before I actually met my husband. We met because I was boarding horses at the barn that his brother owns. I was renting the house that I am in now from his brother before I met my husband. I am very close to his family, my daughter is also. We all have horses and help with my husbands family rodeo shows. This is part of how the family makes their money. My husband cooks for the rodeos, so even though he has left me, he can't fully escape me because we see each other at the events. I have not approached him since 05-18-10. I have not talked to him on the phone since then. We ahve seen each other, and I see him watching me, but we haven't spoken. When he left, he went to his brother's cabin which is 60 miles away in the mountains. He is staying there on the weekends and working out of town during the week. He has been gone since March 19th. He says that we are too different and that we never agree on anything, and my daughter and I are the reason that he doesn't have a home bought or have any money. He says he felt like a paycheck. As far as my health, one of the most visual things was a severe psoriasis episode. I was over 60% covered with plaques, some that were as large as my hand. This is a very painful, debilitating disease. It robs you of any self confidence and you lose your feeling of self worth. I also have the psoriatic version of rheumatoid arthritis. Both of these are auto-immune diseases, in which the body is basically attacking itself. After many tried and failed medications, I am now on Remicade, almost at full dosage, and I have this infused by IV every four weeks. The usual IV infusion rate is every 6 to 8 weeks. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, osteoarthritis, diabetes, and anxiety problems. There are a few more problems, but I think that is enough to unload right now. I will tell you that during all this I was very depressed. I had no energy, and he constantly was on me about it. I have just in the last few months gotten everything the way it was supposed to be. My labs are good and I have lost 26.5lbs. I am going to continue to lose to see if I can come off of some of these medicines. There has been so much happen between me and my husband. I don't want to run him down, I do love this man. But I feel like in order to understand why I was the way I was, then you have to know more about him. 
The main thing is, I need to have people to talk to and help me thru this. People in person can only listen for so long, they have their own problems. I have no family nearby except for his family. I don't have "friends". I am trying to get thru this....I don't like to sound dramatic, but it's so painful. I don't want to cry...I don't want to feel like this. How do you avoid it? What can I do to help him come home?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't think you can avoid the pain, but it does start to get better with some time.

One very common thing that an unhappy spouse will do is to revise history. So, when he says that he's felt like a paycheck, do you think this has been true or is he just saying this to justify getting away from you?

If he's revising history (making excuses), you've only had sex once in the last year, and he was gone most of the time before he left - do you think he's already seeing someone else?

Another ugly, but realistic possibility is that he might not be able to deal with your health problems and depression.

If you don't think he's cheating, and you really want him back, put yourself in his shoes. If you appear clingy and needy and depressed, he's not going to be dying to come back. But if you can at least fake it a bit and try to remind him why he married you to begin with - greet him with a warm smile - he's more likely to come back around.


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## Dazed (Jun 2, 2010)

I believe that HE feels like he was a paycheck, but that is only because he was spending so much money on poker and poker machines that when I asked him for money to buy groceries or horse feed, he didn't have any. To him, I was the reason he had no money, not the fact that he had lost a whole paycheck in a poker game. I wasn't aware that he was having financial problems (our money has always been in separate bank accounts) until after he left. I opened his bank statement to see that he was overdrawn by over $500.00 and I also got a phone call from a business that he had bought a TV from; he was behind on the payments. It should have been paid off, I thought it was. He still owed over half on it. I am now paying for that. I don't believe that he is seeing anyone else, in person. I do believe that he is receiving emotional support from his "niece". She is actually the adopted daughter of his other brother. She is in her 30's (he has always liked young women) and they had reunited at a funeral 2 years ago. He hadn't seen her in years, since she was a small child. She wrote him a letter that sounded like a teenager that has a crush on her high school teacher. I told him that the letter was inappropriate. and so did his brother and his wife. I found out later that they were calling each other. I found this out when she called him on valentines day while I was with him. He lit up like a christmas tree. I asked him how often she called, and he said just every now and then. I checked the phone records, saw that it was several times a week and told him it needed to stop. He took offense, saying that I was sick for thinking that he would think of his niece in a sexual manner. We had a huge fight over that and he promised that they would quit talking. Looking back our relationship started really going bad after that. One of the things that he did say after he had left this time was that I ruined his relationship with that side of the family because he had to tell her what I thought and that she could never call him again. I told him that if he had ruined his relationship with that side of the family then he handled it wrong. He said I handled it wrong. After he said all of that, I went back as far as I could in the phone records, which is a year. He has never stopped talking to her. It wasn't every week, but several times a month. Now that he has moved out, it has picked up and they were talking every couple days, then down to once a week, now it's about every week and half to a week, but for an hour or more at a time. (Yes, I can see his phone record online and follow who he is talking to. Of course he isn't aware of this.) I don't see him talking to anyone else other than her, and it appears that he is having a harder time getting her to return his calls lately. He usually calls and she calls him back, the last time it took 4 days for her to call him back. I do know that she will be at the rodeo this saturday night. I will get to see the both of them together and see how they are acting. His brother that I live beside of knows about all of this and he says he is going to be watching also. My husband doesn't know that his brother and I know that he is talking to his niece. I guess it will be interesting.


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## Dazed (Jun 2, 2010)

Here it is, 9pm...and the hardest part of my day. I sit here watching TV, and everything makes me cry. I just want to talk to him so badly. I have cried so much my head hurts. I hate this. I want it to be over. Anyway possible. Anyone there? I feel so alone. I don't know how long I can do this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Read through some of FeelingAlone's "My New Beginning Post" in this section. Not saying this is where you are headed, but I think you might find it helpful. Its not always easy, but things can get better. You have to start taking care of yourself - which it sounds like you were doing if you were losing weight and getting your health problems under control. Take yourself out for dinner and a movie - do something fun with your daughter. Don't just sit around waiting, making yourself miserable.


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## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

dazed i feel your pain i know just how yoou feel i sit here in the house all day and think nothing but him he consumes my whole day and thoughts i dont sleep at night i find it easier to sleep during the day,i cant bear to lay in the bed at night and see that empty space beside me knowing he should be there,i try to do fun things with the kids but i find myself still thinking of him wishing he was there with us,there is just no excaping it i cant go 5 min without thinking of him i have been seperated since dec of 09 and it has not gotten any easier for me in fact now its worse with him having a new girlfriend of 2 months


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