# Feeling alone and hurt



## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

My boyfriend of five years left our home last night for what he calls time to clear his head or some time apart. I am crushed! Last night I was okay but as I woke this morning without him holding me, it started to hurt again. Now I sit here trying to make sense of the situation, surrounded by all the mindless conversations while my world has crashed before me. I have family and some close friends but no one I want to talk to. When I needed them I feel like they let me down, now the one person I thought would always be there has walked away. If it wasn’t for our two year old son I think I would have a breakdown, but it is because of him that I try to remain strong. I guess I just need perspective as to coping with this situation


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

My husband says that he needs time away to clear his head too. Although he just got a plane ticket to go away for a week, then on top of that, right after he's deploying for a full year. Im so confused, and I too have 2 kids at home with me. I totally get where your coming from. Its hard to stay positive around them all the time, when you just want to stay in bed all day and cry  Has your BF given you any indication as to why he needed to clear his head?


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

We have been rocky but everything boils down to three things. We are both young and he does not want to be tied down. It is like he wants to put us on pause and then pick everything back up like it never happened and I cannot do that. I literally broke down and cried but my son said to me "mommy don't cry hug me," I wanted to keep crying but he would not allow it. They this morning reality slapped me in the face. I miss him and I don't want to start life without him but I might have to. The worst part is that I cannot completely cut him out my life because we have a son together. So everytime I see him the hurt will start again. I'm just so hurt and fighting back the tears every second. The longer he is away the harder it will be to be back together.

I am so sorry about the situation with your husband. I just do not understand men when they get like this but at the same time in their twisted way this is the right thing to do. Men go through their crisis in life and feel like they are missing out on something or not enjoying the world, what they fail to realize is that they have the world at home already! I hope that your husband and my boyfriend realize that before it is too late and too much hurt has been done.


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

Me too! I feel like if I back off and give him my space, then he will realize he's better off alone....but if I push too hard, then it will push him away too. I guess the best thing for both of us to do, is focus on ourselves, and our kids. Some days I try to tell my self not to waste any energy on wanting someone so bad that most likely does not want me back.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Can I suggest?

You can call him and tell him you miss him and you love him very much. You respect him needs space. You wish he would come home soon. (Make it short.)

When he's back, you MUST not make any complaints here and there, but you can cry and say you miss him and you love him softly. That's all.


Hope it helps!


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

Thanks for the suggestion but he knows that I miss him without me saying anything. The funny part is we have a counseling session later today and i am dreading seeing him. All he keeps doing is apologizing but I really can't process how he is sorry but is still doing this to us. 

xoxopinkxo I completely agree, giving him that space kind of makes you feel like they will never come back. But that is the chance that they are taking losing out on a good thing. We all have our flaws but the part that angers me the most is that he wants space for the most childish reasons, but again that is where age plays a factor in my situation. I think what you said is best; we need to focus on ourselves and our children. Ask yourself "What is it that (your name) wants? If it is your family including your husband (like my boyfriend) than focus on what you can do to change your situation with your husband. This is what I am doing and we can only hope these men are smart enough to do the same. But think about bettering yourself! What things have you done or said that contributed to the current situation. Until we make ourselves whole again we really have nothing left to offer others. That's just my opinion and i say this because we have similar situations and this is the approach I am taking right now. I hope everything works out for the best but if we do not reconcile then at least we will come out stronger women from the situation.


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

Wow you sound like a very strong woman. 

" I just do not understand men when they get like this but at the same time in their twisted way this is the right thing to do. Men go through their crisis in life and feel like they are missing out on something or not enjoying the world, what they fail to realize is that they have the world at home already!"

So true. Is it just that we are strong willed and "know what we want" and we are with mean that are weaker than us? Sadly, a lot of men realize it when its too late. 

_"She found a man thats gonna put her first. While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping. When a heart breaks no it don't break even"._

And if this is our men once they realize that we've moved on while they were out being "confused"..well then so be it. Their loss, no?

I too have a young son (mines about to be 4) and he is the light of my life. One thing I do when it gets so hard to bear (the seperation) is I think of the many blessings I have in my life. B/c it's easy for us to sit here and feel sorry for ourselves, but sometimes just taking a minute to think about how many ways your life could be so much worse right now really helps to put things in perspective. You still have your health, your beautiful son, and your life. 

Good luck too.


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

Thank you I am trying my hardest to be strong when I want to break down. I always planned on spending my life with this man and I am not ready to give up that dream. Our son was not an accident we KNOWINGLY began our family and although I will not deny him his son, he is ultimately walking out on both of us. I asked for help from family members who never cared to be bothered. Now I am a little angry and resentful of that and I feel there is no one in my life that I want to talk to. This web site is something that I am grateful for at this point, and you all have no idea how much it means to have you respond. I like your username "love is messy" but I think that love is beautiful, unfortunately people and their stupid choices are what make things messy..i'm so sad right now and I am on edge until I have to see him later. I do not understand why he insist on counseling today when he walked out the door yesterday


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

You know the funny thing is that I always planned on spending the rest of my life with my man. From the time that I was 17 and first fell in love, I thought he was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. You know, you have to tell your self that even though he walked out, he is still going to counseling with you. So that counts for something. It means that he still loves and cares for you, b/c if he didnt he wouldnt even bother. You may not get the outcome that you want, but if you stick it through to the very end with him, then at least you have peace of mind knowing that you did everything you possibly could to make it work with him. And at the end, if it dosent work, then maybe thats just whats meant to be you know? At least you'll know that you did everything you could, and you deserve the best in return. 

I'm really sorry to hear that you dont have a strong support system. I kind of feel a little bit of that b/c my best friend pretty much told me that this was too much for her and she basically couldnt handle it so is going to keep her distance from me for a while. So that hurts, b/c I know I've been there for her and wouldnt just tell her sorry this is too much for me to handle. But whatever, I mean we're all different and we handle things differently. I'm not going to hold it against her. I have my family and other friends and this website has been really great too. 

I admire your hope and strength to fight for your husband, I try to keep that too, but it just seems that he dosent want it like I do so I cant make him love him. Keep on going and "fighting the good fight". Like I said earlier, he does care for you enough to go to counseling and figure out what's there between you too. I hope that he realizes it's not worth losing! Good luck at your session. I have mine tommorow


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

loveismessy - I love the clip of that song you attached in your email. I'm going to listen to it as soon as I finish my comment. lol. I am recently separated from my husband [we still live together temporarily]. He is selfish and cannot put his family before his desire to party. I know the pain that you feel. My husband left last year because he said this is all too much [marriage and 2 babies]. I was 9 months pregnant when he got cold feet. I almost died the first night. My grief almost consumed me. I felt like I couldn't breath. I could barely eat. Each day will get a little lighter, a little easier, the sun will slowly begin to shine in your life again. Like you I had to strenthen up for my childs sake. I also allowed my child to redirect/distract me by completely focusing on being a mother. Allow your son to do that. Although I feel your man is coming back during this time that he is away occupy your self. Pick up old hobbies that you let go. Get a good long book. Call friends that you may have neglected while in a relationship. Allow time to heal you. I promise you it will get better. When he comes back you let him know that you are not a doormat or a revolving door. He can't just come in and out of your life as he pleases.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Truebeauty- That post is also directed to you of course . Hang in there. You are not alone. We will get past this heartache. We are so strong.


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

Thanks LadyGaines I definitely hear you loud and clear. It seems as though that is the same faze my man is going through but guess what at the end of a party night you have nothing. Sure you can pick some random female up, but that woman adds no real value to his life. These men need to recognize when they have a good woman and appreciate that, in the same way us women have to stop settling for less than what we deserve. I just hope for the best at this point I want him but I am not settling anymore. 

Love is Messy, I appreciate your post and it is something that I definitely knew but needed to hear. I know he loves me and I know he cares but it feels as though it is not enough and that hurts. We do not have a bad relationship, just a few little things that we can overcome, the issue is that he refuses to meet me half way and I won't submit. If i do it not and accept this or that then I am setting myself up to live life that way and I know I deserve better. Honestly my man is a great guy and I feel like this is a period that he needs to go through, the problem with that is he couldn't find a way to do that without leaving. This makes me feel like every time he goes through something he will walk out instead of fighting for us and I won't live life like that. At the end of the day I can say that if things do not work out between us It will take a miracle for me to enter into another relationship. I cannot say never because my feelings will ease once time heals some wounds, but I can say that I don't want to be in love or fall in love or make a commitment again. It is sad but true and excuse the language but I feel like **** Love. I don't think that is off of anger but more so hurt that I will carry for a very long time. I too am sorry about the support system but its life I guess.


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