# Porn/Sex issues and repairing marriage?



## snowday

I've often heard people link porn addiction/use to that of an affair to the injured spouse. While I realize it's not the same, I feel that same sense of betrayal (that he wanted that more than my feelings counted.)

Long story short for years we've argued over his porn use...from day one he hid it, lied about it, etc. Right away my issue was the lying. He knew this, I felt like I could compromise and if it were kept on the shelf then I was ok with it. We lived that way for a number of years with little conflict.

Of course then it started turning up on the computer....I addressed the problem (that being that kids occasionally went on that computer and I didn't want something popping up.) This fell on deaf ears and began what has turned into major marital problems! He continued his use and if I brought it up, he blamed lack of sex life for his use (saying it wasn't frequent enough for him.) Essentially I now realize that not to be the case and he was "blaming" me to shut me up so that he didn't have to discuss the situation.

So we've tried the marriage counseling route, he's attended 12 step groups (although currently not attending.) He's apologized, but adds that he can't change the past, I need to move on. Truly I know I need to move on and for the most part I have. I know his problems are his problems.

But i'm having some trouble wrapping my head around this....we've had sex, but honestly it's just sex. We are not in a good place (he tends to be a blamer, always has to be right kind of person.) I'm trying hard to be positive get my act together although I know I certainly have things to work on. But the problem that I can't wrap my head around is that last night he told me it's not a marriage..."we don't get along well" aka we aren't having sex! I feel used. I feel like because he no longer has his porn that he just needs to get it somewhere... If we were getting along, it might be a different story, but I feel like he just needs to get off.

I have expressed this in the past. I have expressed that i'm uncomfortable and his response was that was fine FOR NOW, not forever! It further made me uncomfortable that he said that.

Sorry this didn't stay long story short... One last factor he's had erection issues in the past and he stated he hoped it would resolve (it did) but that he'd hoped that wouldn't be an issue if it didn't resolve (meaning hoping it wouldn't be an issue for me if we couldn't have sex.) Yet somehow I feel like it's resolve my issue or it's over!

So I welcome opinions on any of the saga...but at the same time I want to know how do you get over a betrayal like this? What steps did they/you take to repair the relationship? What do you think about his stance on sex? Is this coming from addiction? Is this a normal guy thing?


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## Blanca

i've been going through this battle for a number of years now. My H has resolved on his own to abstain from porn; however, I'm at the stage that I feel used by him to just 'get off' since he cant have his porn. I dont think he's that attracted to me. I am dealing with this by not having very much sex with him (he does come on to me a lot more these days). I cant talk to him about it because we've talked it to death and that has never helped in the past. It only seems to make things more awkward and makes sex even more uncomfortable. 

I'm not completely over the lying part since he was never actually honest with me when I did find porn. I havent found porn in a long time but he could just be getting it somewhere other then his computer. Who knows. I'm inclined to think he is not looking at it though because we are getting along really well. We never fight anymore. When he was looking at porn he was a completely different person; dismissive, quiet, and aloof. He's very attentive and sweet these days. So I guess that is another way I am getting over the lying and building more trust in him. 

The only condition I gave him many years ago was that he had to go to counseling at least twice a month. If he doesnt go I told him I would leave. He's been going for a few years now. I also go to counseling since I know I have many problems that contribute to the dysfunction in our marriage.


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