# Why Do Men Cheat? Why Do Women Cheat?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Instead of posting my response to another thread on TAM, I thought I would post it on a new thread.

The question was cheating between men and women. What polls have revealed in the percentages of men versus women who have cheated. 

I was curious on the "reasons" that the men and women cheated and if they were similar, etc.

While a few reasons are similar, most are wide and varied. Based on my own internet research I discovered that a lot of the reasons that men give for cheating are physical; while a lot of the reasons women gave were emotional. 

It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love. In general, men can more easily compartmentalize between sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire.

I made the list(s) even, while these are not ALL the reasons - these were some main ones that I've seen repeated on TAM in several forums.

Very interesting...what do you think?

Why Men Cheat?
1. They are not ready to have commitments. 
2. They no longer feel satisfied/stimulated in their current relationship and are too cowardly to end the relationship. 
3. They are concerned about their financial/living situation if they end the relationship, but do not feel fulfilled in it. 
4. They like various sex partners. 
5. They crave the initial excitement and illicitness of a "secret" affair. 
6. They need to feel desired and their partner does not fulfill that need. 
7. Men are single-minded and don't think about the consequences of their actions. 
8. Some men cheat because they think they can get by with it. 
9. Some cheat because they don't take their relationships seriously. 
10. Some cheat because many of them increasingly feel powerless in a society that is giving women more rights & powers in the domestic & public spheres. 
11. Men stray outside of long-term relationships to remember what it was like to be desirable and free. "Schedules" and routine destroy self image. 
12. The woman's sex drive isn't what it was when you first got married. 
13. Having sex with more than one woman is an ego boost for those with low self-esteem. 
14. Men cheat because they are bored in their current relationships. 
15. The man perceives that the partner is bored with or no longer interested in sex. 
16. Their spouses might not be interested in doing the sexual things the men want to try out (e.g. oral, greek, 3-ways, etc.) or even afraid or morally against such kinks. 

Why Women Cheat?
1. Because they hurt due to pain related to loneliness, rejection or betrayal of a cheating spouse.
2. Some have an unexciting relationship.
3. Some are feeling poorly about themselves.
4. Because their emotional needs are not being met at home.
5. She feels unattractive, uncared for and hopeless about getting her needs met.
6. Revenge. The "eye-for-an-eye" approach if they have been betrayed and rejected.
7. Suspicion that their partner is cheating. She may have painful memories from an earlier relationship and she may have the expectation of being hurt in this one, as well.
8. Boredom. An unsatisfying, dull, and predictable relationship that is not growing in depth.
9. The whole experience of sneaking around and hiding it. This can be a huge adrenaline rush.
10. Poor sense of self-esteem. Lack of adequate amounts of affection and admiration from their partners. Women can especially have this problem since our culture puts so much emphasis on physical beauty, sex appeal, and the ability to attract men.
11. They feel taken for granted. Women can feel like little more than a household drudge.
12. Her and her spouse are leading parallel lives. When you start doing things separately, the odds of connecting with someone who has your similar interests increases.
13. The fantasy has fizzled. When the romance fades and she realizes that her man is not the fantasy man she fell in love with. The knight in shinning armor.
14. Her ego needs a boost. She can be with the most wonderful man in the world, but still needs to know she has it going on.
15. When she is sexually deprived. As the male ages, testosterone can drop and they can become disinterested in sex or unable to perform. When a woman feels her man no longer wants her, she feels uncared for.
16. Poor or lack of communication, she feels her man is not listening to her or doesn't understand her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Either everyone agrees with the list or has no opinion.

Great!


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Sorry no one has replied so far. I am a man and although I have not had an affair, I have thought about it. Out of the reasons you gave, it would be a combination of 2, 12, and 15. Also, wife is currently involved in an EA (though she denies it is that). Hopefully, I won't go through the route of cheating though.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Only way (i'm one of the good guys) i'd ever, even consider cheating... if my s3x life at home was non existant, and my wife basically isn't willing to do anything about it. In that case, i'd probably leave first.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

i think that overall, a person is a cheater at heart, or not...if 'mike' in a relationship is feeling bored, unsatisfied, he will tend to start looking around and cheat...while 'Tom' will talk to his gf/wife and if its not resolvable, seperate or split up and then, after the fact find someone new,...

the reason i believe this to be pretty much the case, is you sometimes hear someone say the reason that their wife or husband wasnt fulfiling their needs, so they 'had' to cheat...but then if you look deeper, you see the relationship isnt all that bad. THEN you can see another person, who is in a really bad or neglectful relationship and they DONT cheat...they deal w/ it another way...

i kind of liken it to spouse abuse....a person is inclined to do that , or not. One man will eventaully, for whatever reason getting phsyical towards his spouse, and say it was bc she made him mad, or she did xyz...while the other guy, would never resort to that no matter WHAT his spouse did...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

russ101 said:


> Sorry no one has replied so far. I am a man and although I have not had an affair, I have thought about it. Out of the reasons you gave, it would be a combination of 2, 12, and 15. Also, wife is currently involved in an EA (though she denies it is that). Hopefully, I won't go through the route of cheating though.


That's okay, I just thought everyone agreed.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> i think that overall, a person is a cheater at heart, or not...if 'mike' in a relationship is feeling bored, unsatisfied, he will tend to start looking around and cheat...while 'Tom' will talk to his gf/wife and if its not resolvable, seperate or split up and then, after the fact find someone new,...
> 
> the reason i believe this to be pretty much the case, is you sometimes hear someone say the reason that their wife or husband wasnt fulfiling their needs, so they 'had' to cheat...but then if you look deeper, you see the relationship isnt all that bad. THEN you can see another person, who is in a really bad or neglectful relationship and they DONT cheat...they deal w/ it another way...
> 
> i kind of liken it to spouse abuse....a person is inclined to do that , or not. One man will eventaully, for whatever reason getting phsyical towards his spouse, and say it was bc she made him mad, or she did xyz...while the other guy, would never resort to that no matter WHAT his spouse did...


Some truth there...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

laelsmom said:


> i think that overall, a person is a cheater at heart, or not...if 'mike' in a relationship is feeling bored, unsatisfied, he will tend to start looking around and cheat...while 'Tom' will talk to his gf/wife and if its not resolvable, seperate or split up and then, after the fact find someone new,...


 I pretty much agree with the fact some people are capable of cheating & others simply NEVER would in a million years -even if faced with a purely sexless marraige, ignored & rejected every day, they would do the right thing & end the marraige 1st. This is definetly the most respectful thing to do. But not always so easy for some. 

I was talking to my husband last night about this particular thread. I wanted to answer but not make myself look too patheticly bad in doing so. 

My husband is one of those types, would NEVER cheat. It simply is not in him. And I believe that. 

Me, on the other hand, to my shame, I do believe I could be capable of it -if things got too bad, if I was feeling totally unfullfilled sexually & emotionally. If this makes me sound like a miserable human being, so be it. Husband is aware of my weaknesses & loves me in spite of them. I do not believe I could keep my mouth shut & hide it for any length of time at all. And I am also very sure he would have much warning from my big mouth that I was heading in that direction. He knows me too well. 

So I can not sit here & boast I am one of those perfect respectful people that would never do so, I suppose that is a blight on who I am at my core, but one thing I am --is honest. Honestly weak in some areas- absolutely. Husband tells me he doesn't think I could , but some of the stories I read on this forum (Including Married In Love's) I do believe I would fall if an opportunity presented itself. 

In her list for why women would - many could trip me up (1, 4, 5, 6, 10 & 15).

If I cheated on my husband NOW , It would make me a monster as I have the world at my feet. I am not struggling with anything on that list. But who really is to say, they would not fall into the arms of another in a weak moment -if presented with many on this list-for months, years?? 

Unlike others, I do not lump ALL cheaters into the same Black & white box of Cheater is scum, Faithful spouse is Gold. It takes 2 & there is always another side to the story, another side of pain. 

Even God seems to Understand ....siting that EACH SPOUSE should be doing their part (1 Cor 7 3-5) *The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. * 

The only thing I do not care for in these verses is blaming it all on Satan. That is simply too convenient. That unloving, ungiving , uncaring , unemotional , unsexual spouse, in my opionioin, plays a huge hand in why some "good people" fall into the arms of another.

The name of this book would make many cringe, but I feel it is very balanced Amazon.com: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (9780312563448): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>6. They need to feel desired and their partner does not fulfill that need.<<

Could be the banner headline across the top of the Men's Clubhouse.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Yep..it is interesting, and I agree with the lists. However..what separates those from the ones that WOULD from those from the ones that WOULDN'T...no matter what the situation or circumstance were. What goes through the mind of the person who does engage in an affair when they know it's going to hurt someone, possibly themselves? 

I'm not a cheater. If anyone "deserved" (you so know I hate that word) to be cheated on, it was my ex. I don't think a soul in this world woulda blamed me. I just couldn't do it. I never even thought about it. That doesn't make me any better than anyone who did cheat...it just makes me stupid for not getting out sooner than I did. I might not have thought about cheating, but I thought about leaving every single day for the last years of the marriage. 

My ex cheated...the 1st was with a 17yo girl. The 2nd was with an 18yo. They weren't longterm affairs..short ones. The damage was the same nonetheless. However..I didn't have proof of these affairs until AFTER we had split for the final time (even though I strongly suspected, and believed that it had happened). I stuck my head in the sand, tripped down the river of denial and went on with life. Had I known for SURE, I'd like to think I'd have done things differently. I'll never know, though.

Now? There is NOTHING that would cause me to cheat on my SO. I've said it before..he could lose his abilities to function tomorrow and I'd still be here, and I'd still be faithful. And that's not on me necessarily...but he deserves no less from me. 

I believe with all my heart that he'd never cheat. It's not in him. I also believe in such a thing as the "perfect storm", and any PERSON could slip. I just don't intend on being that person. As it is right now, there isn't another man in the world that I'd want. And if it got to the point where the r-ship didn't work anymore, I'd go. I wouldn't think twice. Thinking twice didn't serve me well in the past.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

2, 3, 5, 14, 16 I would say would be potential reasons if I were to cheat. 
I think 2 is the closest, but it wasn't specifically stated either....physical attraction flat out as a reason.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Both men & women cheat (PA) because cheating is more exciting.

Both men & women cheat (EA) because the spouse is always more difficult to communicate than the OW/OM.

A married woman who posted her profile on adultfriendfinder.com had a chat with me on MSN once while I was tracking my husband on that website. 

She cheated on her husband in a very nasty way. She had all kinds of sex with different OMs including threesome. (She even shared with me the photos, having sex with 2 men.)

I asked why she is able to do that? She told me she feels guilty when the husband is nice to her but cheating is more exciting.

Alas! She didn't mention that she had major problems in marriage. She simply wanted to have fun.

So it's really a choice, all the reasons are just excuses.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds to me like cheating is a lot about cowardice (fearing the emotional or financial fallout of leaving the relationship first) or low self-esteem (needing to feel desirable, etc). 

I like the idea that it is based in the individual who cheats/doesn't cheat--one person does; the other person ends the relationship so s/he can find someone new, rather than cheat during an unsatisfying relationship.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Sounds to me like cheating is a lot about cowardice (fearing the emotional or financial fallout of leaving the relationship first) or low self-esteem (needing to feel desirable, etc).
> 
> I like the idea that it is based in the individual who cheats/doesn't cheat--one person does; the other person ends the relationship so s/he can find someone new, rather than cheat during an unsatisfying relationship.


You are right about that emotional/financial fall out aspect. It is good to have someone at home with you everyday, and 2 incomes are better than 1.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I'm having a hard time with this thread. I think it is way to easy to just say cheaters are cheaters. I love my wife dearly and overall we have a great relationship. I have always thought cheaters were the lowest of the low and didn't think myself capable. Now over the last 5-7 years my wifes sex drive and even intimacy has dwindled to near nothing so now I am at least tempted. I want to feel desired.

We have talked and talked about it to no end so far. I do NOT want a divorce because just about everything else is great. Nor do I want to cheat because it would hurt her. It is tearing me apart...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

17) Men like this young RandomDude here, cheated because he was angry/frustrated... and drunk.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I'm having a hard time with this thread. I think it is way to easy to just say cheaters are cheaters. I love my wife dearly and overall we have a great relationship. I have always thought cheaters were the lowest of the low and didn't think myself capable. Now over the last 5-7 years my wifes sex drive and even intimacy has dwindled to near nothing so now I am at least tempted. I want to feel desired.
> 
> We have talked and talked about it to no end so far. I do NOT want a divorce because just about everything else is great. Nor do I want to cheat because it would hurt her. It is tearing me apart...


How old are you?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Cheating: Agreed with yourself an open marriage before achieving mutual agreement with the spouse?
Forget about the frustrations. Many players just want to have fun.
No problems in relationship.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

MsLonely, sorry, I have no clue what you mean.

Conrad, 40. Been married for 12+ years now.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Frustr8dhubby, sorry to hear you are in this situation. Have you tried counseling? Seems like it might be the best thing at this point, because you've tried to talk about it without making progress. It's hard to bring up, but the consequences of NOT bringing it up are. . .no change. Sometimes, just the realization that one partner wants counseling can be an impetus to change. Anyway, I hope your Christmas is peaceful and joyous despite this difficulty.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> MsLonely, sorry, I have no clue what you mean.
> 
> Conrad, 40. Been married for 12+ years now.


I was talking about why ppl cheat in my opinion.
It's a personal choice.
Cheaters would find many reasons to justify cheating but it's still a choice.
Many cheaters believe it or not they don't really have a problem in the relationship. They simply want to have fun. One spouse isn't enough for them. Cheaters agreed with "themselve" to have an open marriage. 
They want marriage and other exciting relationship at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, I was not replying to your posting but to the subject of this thread. 
As for your case, I already discussed a lot. Marcopoly69's threads might give you tons of good views because he has suffered same issue as you do and he's able to resolve it. The process might hurt but he's doing quite well now. I have similar problem in the marriage as you do also. I have received lots of good views and comments in my threads as well.
I'd recommend you search marcopoly69's threads.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I don't agree that there are cheaters v non-cheaters. That's saying there are good people v bad people. I was married eight years the first time and never touched a soul, never even thought about it even when the marriage was dead. I left when I felt I couldn't stay away from outside affection. I remarried and unfortunately picked a controlling, emotional abuser. Now this isn't an excuse for cheating but when the "perfect storm" arrived in the form of an ex that I had never really gotten over, I was weak and began an affair. It gave both of us an ego boost and we were both the one person the other had never completely gotten over. Divorce for either of us would be financially destructive and yes, we're both cowards. I pray this won't end up hurting our SO's, kids etc. It's stupid but sometimes it just happens, a lot apparently.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> I don't agree that there are cheaters v non-cheaters. That's saying there are good people v bad people. I was married eight years the first time and never touched a soul, never even thought about it even when the marriage was dead. I left when I felt I couldn't stay away from outside affection. I remarried and unfortunately picked a controlling, emotional abuser. Now this isn't an excuse for cheating but when the "perfect storm" arrived in the form of an ex that I had never really gotten over, I was weak and began an affair. It gave both of us an ego boost and we were both the one person the other had never completely gotten over. Divorce for either of us would be financially destructive and yes, we're both cowards. I pray this won't end up hurting our SO's, kids etc. It's stupid but sometimes it just happens, a lot apparently.


When a person feels a need of being loved & desired by the OW/OM, doesn't mean he/she is a bad person.

Cheating is a choice, when you think it's a great solution, you don't have to worry about how people might judge you. You only need to worry about how your spouse judges you. 

Some couples agreed with each other to have an open marriage. I think it not a bad solution.

The OM, I had an EA with, had a mutual agreement with his gf. Both of them agreed that when there's an itch, they can have a scratch with someone else.

Sex isn't always about loving a person. You can have pure sex with the OW, as long as your spouse agreed with you, moreover, you can also have emotional & physical affairs, as long as your spouse agreed with you.

You can be a cheater with a valid license, as long as your spouse is happy to issue you one.

The marriage is a contract between 2 people. When Bill & Hillary got married, people wanted to judge Bill a bad husband, a cheater, because he had oral sex with the OW, but Hillary didn't like that judgement and she was protective to her husband.

So it's very funny.

If Hillary wasn't bothered, why people were so bothered? Those people don't have any marriage contract with Bill but they seemed to feel more bothered than his own wife.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

sisters359,

I have been personally. I have been begging her to go for a few years now, she refuses. Again, I think a case of she doesn't want to hear that anything is "wrong" with her.. I have specifically talked about he spectre of divorce or an affair but that hasn't seemed to woken her up either...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, I've experienced #1, #4, #5, #10, #11, #15 and #16 on a regular basis this year and I haven't gone there...yet.


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

I cheated because I was bored in the bedroom. When I asked for something more daring my wife was to busy or wasn't interested. Shucks she wouldn't even let me go down on her and BJ's were out of the question.

The bad part is I cheated on her and what was the worst is that it became very emotional which is a thousand times worst then just a woman that fu*ks you.

It takes two to tangle in a marriage, each spouse owns their 50% of why it's not working.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

First 5 years of marriage - wouldn't even ENTERTAIN the THOUGHT of cheating. Was always like that - would never cheat - no way, no how. Not me, uh uh. NEVER....

years 5-7 - began thinking it was POSSIBLE, but not serious enough to act on it or seek out a OM. Why? The SO's drinking problem started getting bad. Communication stuttering - badly. Feeling ignored, taken for granted. When we DID have sex, I felt like a 2-bit hooker he picked up somewhere - it wasn't intimate, it was him getting his rocks off. I wanted it less and less with him - he was either coming home drunk - not attractive, or had recently treated me like crap or ignored me - so I wasn't feeling connected to him. We were starting to lead parallel lives.

Years 7-10 - began considering it, even somewhat started an EA. Why? It got worse at home. All of above, but worse. 
And that EA I COULD have taken to a PA if I had just said the word. But something stopped me. I didn't do it. I even backed off on the EA, yeah I still talk to the OM, but it's not like before. Needless to say, the SO stopped drinking (long back story to why he did, but he did), and we have problems still, but we're trying. He knows nothing about the very brief EA. It will stay that way. I don't know what stopped me from taking it physical - I really had no connection to my husband anymore, he had hurt me terribly, and I was SO sick of it all - sadly when we have bad times now - because we are a mess of a work in progress I infrequently regret not doing it after all. But the OM and I - we'll never go there again - we've agreed it's not wise (he's married too). 

So take from this post what you will.


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Simply Amorous- I really like your response. I also don't see cheaters as all bad. I don't think it is so black and white. I have been married 12 years and never cheated, but recently have been considering it. I am in an unhappy relationship. I have tried therapy, talking, begging my husband to work on the relationship. He says he has no room for the relationship due to work, financial issues. He is also emotionally abusive at times. I am considering separation as I have tried to make this work for so long, but we have two kids. I don't think it is good for the kids to see our problems and we do not get along. 
I want to feel alive again and desired. I can understand how affairs can happen. I don't think it makes it right, but often cheating is about anger and resentment more than anything. Just my 2 cents.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

*"Men are single-minded and don't think about the consequences of their actions."*

Your list reads like men are perpatrators of an evil action they take and women are the victims of action brought against them.

There are as many reasons as there are people. At it's base is selfishness by those cheating.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As a man whom has never cheated, never considered cheating, never has had the opportunity to cheat, what I can say is that the only scenario I could have ever seen myself cheating is if an exceptionally attractive woman was clearly pursuing me and if I had the gift of clairvoyance to know there would be no consequences (eg. I would not get caught, would not get an STI, get her pregnant etc).

Probably because I was a doormat I would not have been able to decline the advances, but for that same reason I was probably not pursued in the first place. As to consequence, I have always looked way down the line and realize to the core that there is consequences to everything and that the truth will eventually come out and I'd never want to cause pain for anyone else, which is probably why while in relationships I have never put myself in a situation to be tempted to cheat or even be pursued by another woman.

Now why do women cheat? I have no clue if I did I could make a lot of money. My ex cheated because she lost attraction and respect for me, lost hope in our marriage (possibly because she was open to receiving affection from other more attractive men) and probably also because she felt empowered in herself because positive changes she was actually making for her own life made her feel superior to, better than, me.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My question is why does anyone not cheat at some point in their marriage? Seriously, people cheat because they want something and it feels good. Hard to argue with the desirability. No one's marriage is perfect all the time. There will always be ups and downs, difficult times, times when things are colder than a clear winter night. So what keeps anyone from cheating?

I mean seriously, cheating is a worthy buzz, as good or better than crack, booze, cigarettes, gambling, high speed motorcycling, extreme skiing or tons of other risky highs. Cheating is easily available, almost free, has very little physical risk, easy to keep secret and relatively endlessly available. Lots of people think minor cheating is OK (especially those doing it) so it's really easy to do it and claim you're not.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

deleted post


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

julia71 said:


> I infrequently regret not doing it after all. But the OM and I - we'll never go there again - we've agreed it's not wise (he's married too).
> 
> So take from this post what you will.


I would like to understand this more if you could. I have thought about cheating myself but felt like I could not live with my self afterwards if I did. Yet I kind of regret not having the experience. I married the only person that I have had sex with. I do not know if that is the reason or if I just want the attention I seek.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

confusedkimmy said:


> Simply Amorous- I really like your response. I also don't see cheaters as all bad. I don't think it is so black and white. I have been married 12 years and never cheated, but recently have been considering it. I am in an unhappy relationship. I have tried therapy, talking, begging my husband to work on the relationship. He says he has no room for the relationship due to work, financial issues. He is also emotionally abusive at times. I am considering separation as I have tried to make this work for so long, but we have two kids. I don't think it is good for the kids to see our problems and we do not get along.
> I want to feel alive again and desired. I can understand how affairs can happen. I don't think it makes it right, but often cheating is about anger and resentment more than anything. Just my 2 cents.



One thing I have observed in this life, from watching others, seeing it happen to good friends, even my own Father & step Mother (2 sets of friends- twisted triangle)-only thing good about them is THEY NEVER HID it , no lies.... and reading countless stories is.... many many boast ...."NEVER ME" - and ironically come to eat those words -when they are met with the perfect storm. 

Obviously, "Cheating" is very wrong. But yet, I can understand , even sympathize how some can find themselves in that position , most especially those in a sexless marriage- who are darn good spouses, it just ain't right. This write up captures the devestation a spouse goes through

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet - Open Salon

I am someone who is for 100% Transparency in my marraige- no matter what ....my length of holding a secret from my husband is 3 days ....... we do not expect perfection from each other, but we do expect *honesty *at every turn, and if we can't forgive, we shouldn't have married. Being honest helps our hearts be right before each other... In our marriage, it has only been small things, nothing we can't :rofl: about after the fact. 

Being able to admit you are weak in certain areas, in my opionion is very healthy. Best to not be in denial about what we NEED in our marraiges for happiness & personal fullfillment. I, for one, did not get married to be an Island, I want companionship & lots of physical touch, communication. 

We can choose to stick it out, give a time for fighting the battle to get these things resolved -give counseling a try..... even if it seems we have to carry our spouses for a time .... or choose to end it when we are constantly faught with resistance & resentment is ready to eat us alive, I don't feel any spouse should have to go on depression drugs to remain in a marraige, that is BS, I am not for unconditional love. 

If something is important to one spouse, it damn well should be to the other....or the house is going to fall at some point. Lack of communication / caring to please the other , combined with harboring Secrets is the 1st step to an infidelity.




CrazyGuy said:


> Yet I kind of regret not having the experience. I married the only person that I have had sex with. I do not know if that is the reason or if I just want the attention I seek.


I would guess it is more "attention" - something is not being fullfilled in you, your cup is not running over at home, you are bored , restless. Unles you are just a thrill seeker, a high testosterone man is more aggressive & wants that variety. It is hormonal. 

I have only been with one man - I have entertained thoughts of what it may be like with another (when I entered that cougar stage in my life), I think this is very normal to do -even if others may want to judge. 

But when your needs & desires are being met at home, there really is no temptation. Fantasy is purely enough. I have found with myself... that fact that neither of us has ever been with another is so "sacred" to us, it enhances our love for each other even more so . I know if things ever got bad, that fact alone would play on my mind more than anything else. 

It is such a rare thing today.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But when your needs & desires are being met at home, there really is no temptation. Fantasy is purely enough. I have found with myself... that fact that neither of us has ever been with another is so "sacred" to us, it enhances our love for each other even more so . I know if things ever got bad, that fact alone would play on my mind more than anything else.
> 
> It is such a rare thing today.


Thanks for that post. Like I said, my wife was my first. I was not her first though. When we dated I did not care about that. Sex was great. But being in a sexless marriage kind of makes me feel like she got hers, screw what I want. I wonder how many mates she really had and what she has not told me. There is also a lot of other resentments. 

So I do not honestly know why I think about cheating. I am not that kind of guy. Some times I think I should just get out of my system and even up the score. But like I said I would feel guilt. It is something I do not like about myself though. Trying to understand that.

You do indeed have something rare.


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

you made good points i agree with all of them what i think it totally depends on two. sometimes it gets better even in worst conditions. Sometimes it takes separation with no reason.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> There are as many reasons as there are people. At it's base is selfishness by those cheating.


Agree with your first sentence, not so much the second. Certainly base selfishness is the cause of many affairs - probably a majority - but I also think cheating can be the result of legitimate problems, frustrations, or even mental illness (such as depression, bipolar disorder), etc.
Is the husband/wife who's in a totally sexless marriage 'selfish' for cheating instead of making his or her kids the product of a broken home? Especially in light of the stats showing kids are far better off in two-parent households?

I won't pretend I have an answer to that question, because I don't. I'm just grateful I'm not in that situation. And I don't want to justify or excuse cheating, but I think it oversimplifies a complex issue to state that all affairs are result of selfishness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. This thread was from March 2011. Another thread necro'ed.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Wow. This thread was from March 2011. Another thread necro'ed.


huh, originally from back in 2010... no matter I think there is still a little life left in it after all, kind of an open thread.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

People, irrespective of their gender, cheat for
1. Fun
2. Attention, which they don't get from their partner
3. Killing boredom & predictability in relationship
4. Losing interest but holding on due to various reasons
5. LDR
6. Sexless marriage

Different people have different situations.
Your post is very apt "MarriedWifeInLove"


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I kind of think it may be as easy as cheater or not. I cheated on my ex, I was a much differnt person at the time than I am now. I have had quite a few opportunities to cheat on my wife and haven't even entertained the idean and couldn't imagine doing so. The part about this that makes me so sure I am a much differnt person in that reguard, is the fact that I would have way more excuses on that list with my wife than I had with my ex but still come nowhere close to wanting too.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

:iagree:

My boyfriend of 8 years cheated on me once over the internet, that was about 4 or 5 years ago. He was just 16 then. Immature, tender, vulnerable, fascinated to try new things you know. Now He has a lot of opportunities to cheat on me cuz we live far away for most of the times. He is really Handsome, and any girl would be ready to go out with HIm. but He doesn't do it.
SO its entirely one's choice, and yes some factors do influence! Some people can stick in sexless marriages just because they love their partner too much. While others can ruin a happy relationship just for the thrill of it!


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Men cheat because we are physical beings. When my wife and I started dating, she had an amazing body. After several years and a child, her shape changed somewhat, not fat by any means, just changed from what it was. On the other hand, I have improved my physique from when we started dating. This change was brought about primarily due to my career, but found out I loved working out. Now, I am a man that admires a woman's posterior, not the overtly big ones, just a nice one. Should I now tell my wife to go do surgery to get butt implants or something silly like that? Or do I just indulge in viewing and admiring one, when on my own, I don't stare or even look when with the wife. My wife is not a gym rat like I am, I would like her to hit the weights as well, because I like a nice, toned physique, but she would rather just do cardio. Which is fine, but it doesn't shape the physique I like. Men cheat to get something they aren't at home. Some might get that freaky, kinky sex outside that they may not want to ask from their wives, mostly because they won't do it, and some guys don't want their wife kissing the children with the same mouths they did the deed with the night before, lol. Anyhow, unless you're the picture of perfection, or your man has low T, or he's gay, then he's considered it. Those guys that claim they have never looked at another woman are complete liars to their core, it's acting on it that might make you "better" than another man like me for instance. Now why women cheat, I may never know, like one poster said, they'd be rich if they did. My now wife cheated a year into our relationship, when asked why, she didn't know or had some other lame excuse for why, hence why, to this day, I will never fully be emotionally open to her. Does it mean I don't love her? No. Some may say you want to have your cake and eat it too. Well, why not? It's my bloody cake.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

People think too much!! For most guys yes it's very easy to compartmentalize it if it wasn't there wouldn't be a sugar daddy, prostitution, escort, underground culture that there is now would there? You can add to that porn.....that's not driven by the female consumer now is it!! It's easy to see that guys want sex and it has very little to do with love and emotion......seperating them is very easy for very many!!

The desire for something different or a "piece of strange" is always there for many guys. We are humans not animals and can make a choice not to engage in those activities..........with that said in a room of janitors or vp's when a hot 20 something girl walks in the comments are ironically much the same after she leaves!!

We all have experiences etc and that we can share, but I say look back at the money escorts, porn, smut, prostitiution, brothels, etc etc the writing is on the wall.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men cheat because they are running to something. Women cheat because they are running away.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I think a very simple answer for both men and women is that they think it will make them feel important.


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## yruhere (Aug 28, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Instead of posting my response to another thread on TAM, I thought I would post it on a new thread.
> 
> The question was cheating between men and women. What polls have revealed in the percentages of men versus women who have cheated.
> 
> ...


the list is interesting. Although I'm still not sure why my husband of almost 25 years (he is a little over a year shy of 60 but could pass for late 40's early 50's - good genes I guess) had an affair. He really doesn't want to talk about it. Says I don't know all the time. Still wants to be married. Forgot to mention he thought he was in love with a 19 year old prostitute. I found out about this year long "thing" accidentally.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Interesting. Seeing this old post pop up I had to go back and look at what I had commented. The numbers I listed for reasons I would cheat, still hold true. I still think those are also legitimate reasons why I would cheat. Not making it right, but making it not as bad.


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