# I can't get no, affection?



## suzrmz250 (Jun 14, 2011)

Married 23 years. Two children, thanks to me My wife is a great Mom and an OK spouse. She can talk to me bout days events, concerns or complaints. She rarely refuses my sexual advances. My wife can provide physical/verbal affection to anyone from my children to friends and family but for me, nothing. No huggs, kisses, pats on the back, subtle touches, caress, I love yous, sex initiation, greetings, goodbyes. None of this unless I initiate. I've talk to her on several occassions and she says she doesn't know why she behave so distant round me.
I can lay next to her in bed she wouldn't consider initiating sex. I can stand next to her she wouldn't consider hugging me. I take care of myself mostly as I am not interested in pursuit of sex everytime I want it or time has pass long enough to need it. 
I am thinking of sending her to a counselor?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Sending HER? Have you consider that whatever you did to attract her you are not doing anymore? Do not ASSume that she has some kind of problem. The problem may well be you. Why not both of you go to MC?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You both need counseling.

Plus she rarely refuses sex with you. Most men would like that.

Obviously you need real affection from her and need to get to the bottom of it. So yes go and see a marriage counselor and tell her you want her to be honest about everything, that it's not about blame, and that you both need to change and work to fix whatever is wrong.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Has she ever been physically affectionate with you? If so, when did it drop off and what could have precipitated that? Some people are just not touchy-feely kind of people. While they may be able to be that way with their kids (who are generally helpless and needy and require touch), many people have a harder time with their spouse (who is generally not helpless and shouldn't be needy).

You mention that your wife doesn't refuse sex with you. Do you think that she enjoys it - does she seem to feel more bonded to you afterward? If not, I would investigate whether this could be one of the reasons she doesn't want to initiate non-sexual contact with you. Is she afraid that if she does, it will lead to something that she may not really want to do?

btw, the comment about sending her to the counselor seems to imply that you think only she is the problem. I would look to my own actions or inactions as well. It is possible that her action (non-affectionate) is actually a REACTION to something that YOU are doing (or not). If counselling is warranted, it is likely that BOTH of you should be going - to marriage counselling, that is.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

As a general comment, statistically, women (and a few men) who offer no physical response or intimacy but rarely if ever decline if you do are often the victims of varying degrees of childhood or early teen sexual abuse of some kind. Having said that, there is something in the 'vibe' you throw off that putting her shields up.


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## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> As a general comment, statistically, women (and a few men) who offer no physical response or intimacy but rarely if ever decline if you do are often the victims of varying degrees of childhood or early teen sexual abuse of some kind. Having said that, there is something in the 'vibe' you throw off that putting her shields up.


I'd love a citation for that, 'cause in my experience that isn't true.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Adult Manifestations of Childhood Sexual Abuse

You're thinking hypersexuality, yes? I was thinking more in terms of failed attempts at intimacy in what one supposes could be a normal relationship.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

suzrmz250 said:


> She rarely refuses my sexual advances. No huggs, kisses, pats on the back, subtle touches, caress, I love yous, sex initiation, greetings, goodbyes.


Would it be better if you had hugs but no sex?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's not an obvious question.


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