# Well, Here Goes Nothing



## cerebraljungle (Mar 9, 2013)

Ok, Im not going to try to drag this out and write a novel - but I need some sound advice. 
4 years ago I met my wife, we were madly in love but bothof us being military it was a long term relationship with as many visits as we could work out. Sex was great, we were great, basically the couple that makes you sick cause we were so lovey dovey. Then she deployed to afghanistan - when she returned she was absolutly different, dead inside and uncarring about anything. When she returned was the first time we lived together - sex was practically non existant and after 8 months of trying everything i could do we separated. At this time there were several of her friends living with us who did not pay rent or help out in any way. While we were separated she began seeing one of them for about 4 months until breaking it off. I filed for divorce and then began my present deployment to afghanistan. After 6 months of being here she has begun to email me and write letters, telling me how much she screwed up and how much she loves me - I still love this girl with all my heart, but Im naturally concerned, What do i do?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Has she enrolled in counseling? Does she have PTSD? Is she still active?

If you really do love her, I don't see why you guys can't patch this up - if she gets some kind of help. A personality shift like that is a symptom... Of what, she needs to find out.

Hoping for the best!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cerebraljungle (Mar 9, 2013)

She agreed to go to counseling with me when I get back. I love this girl to death and I want nothing else but to make things work - I have a few trust issues and my being overseas right now doesnt help that


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Marriage counseling is a good idea; it's also a good idea for both of you to do individual counseling as well. She can start now, while you're deployed. In fact, with the two of you separated, this is a perfect time for her to work on herself, and put all her focus and energy into healing.

How long have you been gone? How long until you return?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cerebraljungle (Mar 9, 2013)

ive been gone for about 7 months, come back in 2. Ive been talking with the chaplain here (closest you can get to a counselor) and he seems positive and upbeat about it - I think its fear that is worrying me, the separation crushed me, her dating after i left almost destroyed me - im scared as hell that this might happen again. I dunno if i could go through all that again. We email back and forth every day now and she hasnt given me any reason to think that there is alterior motive - its the trust issue that I have to work on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take this slowly as she seems to have experienced things that messed her up. Your deployment might do that to you as well.


I agree with MC and individual counseling for both of you.


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## cerebraljungle (Mar 9, 2013)

ok - did a lot of self assesment last night, here's what I came up with. A lot of the problems come from low self esteem on my part. Most people would say that that would be hard to ty good understand - I'm a career soldier, I have a pretty good education, I've been a drill sergeant, im a semi proffesional rugby player, and im in great shape - whats not like about myself right?

She has been nothing but loving and supportive since we started talking again, she has her issues - mostly stem those that stem from going through medical retirement (broke both hips in afghanistan) and her own low self esteem that comes from **** relationships her whole life.

My big fear is that im going to let my insecurity get in the way of our becoming happy again - she is an extremely attractive woman and outgoing. In the Army it is practically unheard of for females not to have male friends - its just a cause and affect of the population difference.

I guess my biggest problem is going to be figuring out how to find a common ground between overbearing and unconcerned


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Interesting take. What will she do to assure you that she will not cheat again?


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## cerebraljungle (Mar 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Interesting take. What will she do to assure you that she will not cheat again?


That going to take counseling - in her eyes she it wasnt cheating as we were separated at the time - I tend to feel differently of course. I have made it a point to forgive and carry on, though its something that is going to remain in the back of my head probably forever. I have told her and she agrees that its not going to be an easy road - and I'm pretty sure once I'm home that a lot of the stress will go away. I was the text book nice guy before, and though its still hard for me to comprehend, I see where that caused a lot of our stresses in the relationship.
At this point I am doing the 180, if she cant deal with that then I will know that she only wanted to come back for the security that having me provided. 
It's not easy changing your brain chemistry and counter intuitive to everything I have always thought - but as long as i dont backslide into being a pushover then I think things will be ok.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Finish the divorce*

That will give you both the opportunity to do a lot of things that will give you answers.

First it will tell you if she really loves you or you really love her because there will be *nothing left to hold you two together except love.*

Secondly, you and her can watch each other for a few years to see if you both improve on what you said were the problems. Waiting a few years to get a much better understanding if you two are going to make it together is a very short time when you consider that marriage can be a life time or at least several decades.

You did not state that you have children with her or not so I assume you do not. That being the case you better be damn sure you two are going to make it in a marriage before you try to raise children. *We already have enough damaged children because of broken marriages*.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Excellent reply, Mr Blunt.


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