# Date nights



## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Im no longer planning any date nights for my wife and i. Because apparently whenever i do..she has to come up with an excuse of not to go or prioritize other things ahead of plans.....so if she wants to go out on a date with me..than she has to plan it. Im sick and tired of this. If shes not going to care about really nurturing our relationship...than why the hell should i. Im so pissed off at her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

So plan the next date night.... then go without her when she *****es or changes it. 

And when she gripes that you went without her.... tell her it's counseling time, since making an EFFORT didn't work.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Did you communicate this with her, in just the way that you did here? What was her response ?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordfire00 said:


> Im no longer planning any date nights for my wife and i. Because apparently whenever i do..she has to come up with an excuse of not to go or prioritize other things ahead of plans.....so if she wants to go out on a date with me..than she has to plan it. Im sick and tired of this. If shes not going to care about really nurturing our relationship...than why the hell should i. Im so pissed off at her.


Ah yes. So there s a sequence problem here. I get it.

I sat my wife down a few years back. Basically her "calendar" had zero time for us. It ALL belonged to family, extended family, work and so on.

So when I would say, hey lets do something tomorrow, tomorrow was never available. Neither was next the second Friday of next month. She was booked ... forever.

Sooooo, I told her to block out every Friday night. That IF something came up we coud discuss how special that was. But our time came first. I had her block out Weekends for my first refusal.

I told her that our time should come off of the top. Not at the end IF htere was time left. Long story here but essentially this is the fundamentals. I actually had to be ery blunt with my daughter that she could no longer assume mom would be home Froday night to help her grade her classes papers. My daughter is a teacher. That she was infringing on my time with her mother and that came first. Do not be afraid to be "selfish" or "demanding" here. Call it controlling. What it is however is engaing in your marriage. Require this. 

Your role however is to be available. But you guys have your date night and or other quality time together.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well said Entropy. 

We have Date Night every Friday. Even the 5 year old grand daughter knows that nobody gets our time on Friday night! 

We have 7 kids/stepkids....and 5 grand kids in town. THEY know. Friday nights are off limits. Once in awhile we ask them to join us, or if there is something at one of their homes we will stop by before our date. They KNOW.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Date nights*



Wolf1974 said:


> Did you communicate this with her, in just the way that you did here? What was her response ?


She releazied that i got pissed off about the situation. She saif to me..i know u want us to go out...just *u and i*...but u have been working alot and so have i...and the kids have been most of the time stuck in the house because of that . (her parents watch them while we are at work). So i figured that we just get thm out of the house. She was real eager to want to take them to her sisters work ..(a fannie may store). So im just thinking....u give me excuses so we dont go out ....just her and i...but ur eager to do that. Now i see where this relationship between her and i falls. If i dont initiate certain things...it dont happen....im the one whos affectionate with her...im the one who initiates sex. Im the one who becomes intimate with her. But im the one who is left with all the damn leftovers of the relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You concede power all too easily. This has to be a real turn off.

That said, I have perused your other threads. Sigh.

"She told me a couple times ...that she did everything she wanted to do before she gor married....what is that suppose to mean..."

It could mean a lot of things. It could mean that she had her fun and was now going to to settle down with a safe guy and be all about children. Maybe not. But it sure sounds like it.

So, you have to decide if you are up to the challenge of working on your marriage. 

I suggest you give this a real effort. Where you take charge. Make sure she knows what you want. Start dating her. Try to sexualize your relationship. This IS an uphill battle because it sounds like it has not been what you have wanted for a very long time if ever. Give this a shot but this cannot be open ended IMO. You have to have some urgency about it. Do not settle for no. Do not avoid conflict.

But how important is having a wife to you that is into you? Seriously?

Is this a dealbreaker for you? I ask not to push you to leave her, but you have to show her that this is the most important thing to you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> She releazied that i got pissed off about the situation. She saif to me..i know u want us to go out...just *u and i*...but u have been working alot and so have i...and the kids have been most of the time stuck in the house because of that . (her parents watch them while we are at work). So i figured that we just get thm out of the house. She was real eager to want to take them to her sisters work ..(a fannie may store). So im just thinking....u give me excuses so we dont go out ....just her and i...but ur eager to do that. Now i see where this relationship between her and i falls. If i dont initiate certain things...it dont happen....im the one whos affectionate with her...im the one who initiates sex. Im the one who becomes intimate with her. But im the one who is left with all the damn leftovers of the relationship.


Over a period of time I was moved from my x wife's number one to position number 6 which was just under the dog in importance. My point being that you need to clearly state this is not ok. This will be date night and you will take the kids and do family time another night. I'm not sure what you are willing to do to show her your serious but take it from someone who went from number one to number 6 you don't want to be on this sliding scale. Once you are of little importance to her she could imagine just moving you out of her life completely.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Over a period of time I was moved from my x wife's number one to position number 6 which was just under the dog in importance.


Omg really??? Wtf???

No way hozay. My priorities are Hubby, Daughter, Pets, Extended family/friends...then anything else. Yes extended family come after pets - I can't stand my inlaws bahahahahaha!!:rofl:

Everything after hubby and daughter can be interchanged if needed but hubby and daughter are ALWAYS on top. They are my everything.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I suggest you give this a real effort. Where you take charge. Make sure she knows what you want. Start dating her. Try to sexualize your relationship. This IS an uphill battle because it sounds like it has not been what you have wanted for a very long time if ever. Give this a shot but this cannot be open ended IMO. You have to have some urgency about it. Do not settle for no.
> 
> * Do not avoid conflict.*
> 
> .


:iagree:

Attempting to buck the status quo would bring resistance , but being passive aggressive would only sabotage his efforts.
Wash , rinse , repeat.
Negative feedback loop.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Omg really??? Wtf???
> 
> No way hozay. My priorities are Hubby, Daughter, Pets, Extended family/friends...then anything else. Yes extended family come after pets - I can't stand my inlaws bahahahahaha!!:rofl:
> 
> Everything after hubby and daughter can be interchanged if needed but hubby and daughter are ALWAYS on top. They are my everything.


Well then you are a good wife and woman :smthumbup:

My x wife was clearly not


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Ok,....im sorry if i bring bits and pieces in a different times....its just my anger about the whole thing makes me wish i could totally change this whole picture. Yesterday early after noon in the car on the way to somewhere....she tells me why dont we go to dinner at such at such place cuz we can get a bargain..so i was like ok...thats fine ...im for it. She replies...let me check with my parents that they would watch this kids for a couple hrs. So im like..ok that works for me....this is her taking the idea that like a week or 2 ago,...i had told her that i wanted to take her out on a date cuz i havent done that for *us* in a long time and i felt that it was way over due....so she was for it...so this brings the story to the present.

So yesterday when she tells me about not going...she tells me..but we can take the kids to my sisterd work and get some ice cream.....this is what really pissed me off. I was like ...wait wait (in my head) u dont feel like going out on a little date wirh me..buuutt..u have no problem doing this. 

Oh yea...so last night...i didnt even give her a massage or anything...like i normally do to help her relax. I stayed in the living room and fell asleep on the couch. When i went to bed...she tells me...*ur stupid - u acted like a child* i didnt give her any reply...so im stupid for being mad because i wanted us to do something that would give a little nurturing to *our* relationship? Really? Well,..she apparently made it very clear where me and our relationship stand. So im not giving up on the relationship...im just not going to put any effort on having us go out somewhere together. If she feels the need to want to go somewhere....then shes just gonna have to mentioned it to me...thats it....im simply giving her a taste of her wrong actions and decisions,....


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

@entrapy -

What do u mean specificly that she had *her fun* please clarify..not trying to sound dummb here....but have seen different info on what this means,. Just want to understand this correctly.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If you want to go out with her, arrange the babysitter, tell her where you're going (something fun and active, not dinner and a movie.) If she still says no say "I'll miss your company, but I really need some entertainment away from the kids." Then GO! 

Do this once week, and see if she responds eventually. Giving her a "taste of her own medicine" will just put a bad taste in your mouth.

For date ideas you both like, go to marriage builders and print up the recreational activities worksheets. Good luck!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ah yes. So there s a sequence problem here. I get it.
> 
> I sat my wife down a few years back. Basically her "calendar" had zero time for us. It ALL belonged to family, extended family, work and so on.
> 
> ...


This will also answer your PRIMARY question. Which is "am I my wife's priority".

That's really what you need to focus on, cause it sounds like you are not OP.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lordfire00 said:


> Oh yea...so last night...i didnt even give her a massage or anything...like i normally do to help her relax. I stayed in the living room and fell asleep on the couch. When i went to bed...she tells me...*ur stupid - u acted like a child* i didnt give her any reply...so im stupid for being mad because i wanted us to do something that would give a little nurturing to *our* relationship? Really? Well,..she apparently made it very clear where me and our relationship stand. So im not giving up on the relationship...im just not going to put any effort on having us go out somewhere together. If she feels the need to want to go somewhere....then shes just gonna have to mentioned it to me...thats it....im simply giving her a taste of her wrong actions and decisions,....


So you give nightly massages to a woman who calls you stupid?? :scratchhead:


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Date nights*



3Xnocharm said:


> So you give nightly massages to a woman who calls you stupid?? :scratchhead:


This was actually the first time she did that. Thats ok..im a crackhead


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I am with others. I would set up a date. Tell her when and where. If she doesn't go, go enjoy it alone. Crazy woman. I can't imagine. I miss my hubby when he is gone!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordfire00 said:


> @entrapy -
> 
> What do u mean specificly that she had *her fun* please clarify..not trying to sound dummb here....but have seen different info on what this means,. Just want to understand this correctly.


It is what you inferred. That she had her fun with the men who she was very attracted to sexually. Tried some things out and then moved on. Settled down. Sex was not longer her prime motivation. Stability. 

Call it what you will.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scatty said:


> If you want to go out with her, arrange the babysitter, tell her where you're going (something fun and active, not dinner and a movie.) If she still says no say "I'll miss your company, but I really need some entertainment away from the kids." Then GO!
> 
> Do this once week, and see if she responds eventually. Giving her a "taste of her own medicine" will just put a bad taste in your mouth.
> 
> For date ideas you both like, go to marriage builders and print up the recreational activities worksheets. Good luck!


:iagree: If you stop asking to do things with her, it will not be long before she complains that you never go out with her. And she'll use that to blame you for marital problems.

So do not just stop trying to do things. Set up dates as suggested above. If she will not go with you... you go out by yourself. I would even keep a calendar of the dates up on a wall, and put a remark on the scheduled date when she turns you down. 

You need to push this and let her know what she's not off the hook.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Date nights*



Entropy3000 said:


> It is what you inferred. That she had her fun with the men who she was very attracted to sexually. Tried some things out and then moved on. Settled down. Sex was not longer her prime motivation. Stability.
> 
> Call it what you will.


So with this....i basically in a way got screwed over. (Not trying to sound mean about it). Meaning *like another poster on here has it* she had no problem doing things with other men....but doesnt care to do somethings with me and just have a dull sex life in our relationship. See going along with this...she told me one time that ...things were exciting between us because we were not married....and the fact that we are married now....it doesnt feel the same now. I resent her on this.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Date nights*



EleGirl said:


> :iagree: If you stop asking to do things with her, it will not be long before she complains that you never go out with her. And she'll use that to blame you for marital problems.
> 
> So do not just stop trying to do things. Set up dates as suggested above. If she will not go with you... you go out by yourself. I would even keep a calendar of the dates up on a wall, and put a remark on the scheduled date when she turns you down.
> 
> You need to push this and let her know what she's not off the hook.


What im doing with this is....using reverse pycholligy


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Pick two nights per week. One night is kids night. One night is date night. Get the grandparents on board, so that it works for them too. Ask them if they can tell you one night a week that they agree to watch the kids.... and then stick to it. And ya, if she doesn't feel like going that night, go without her. 

Also, TELL her.... tell her that you want this "alone time" with her. That you want to really enjoy her company.... with no kids or parents. Tell her that you want this for the marriage. Make it about "US", not just what you want and what she won't do. Keep it positive. 

Once you get the "date night" confirmed.... then on the first date, talk to her about taking turns planning a date, keeping in mind budget, work hours, etc...

Kids nite can be whatever.... this also builds up the family unit, so it's a good thing. Plus, then she can't complain about getting the kids out of the house. If money is a problem, there are tons of things cheap or free to do with the kids. With the wife too! 

Both nights give everyone in the family something to look forward to every week.

This is doable. But it has to be in a positive manner.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

what's with all this _planning _ stuff??? Just grab a jacket and drag her out to a bar or whatever you want to do. Don't give he the opportunity to come up with excuses.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

lordfire00 said:


> So with this....i basically in a way got screwed over. (Not trying to sound mean about it). Meaning *like another poster on here has it* she had no problem doing things with other men....but doesnt care to do somethings with me and just have a dull sex life in our relationship. See going along with this...she told me one time that ...things were exciting between us because we were not married....and the fact that we are married now....it doesnt feel the same now. I resent her on this.


You know, you only get one chance to live life. There is no reason to waste that time not being with someone who wants YOU. You have to work at this relationship with your wife to get things moving in the right direction. But if she refuses to make you a priority...you will have to do what is right for you.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> So plan the next date night.... then go without her when she *****es or changes it.
> 
> And when she gripes that you went without her.... tell her it's counseling time, since making an EFFORT didn't work.




YESHHHH! Love it.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Update - when my wife came home from work today...she comes to me and asks..are we still going out? Im like ..yea..as far as i know.. So we went out to a movie (her choice doing this)...but ill tell u.,.tonight did not feel the same...it felt like we shouldnt even be together right now. Its almost like this was a mercy date on her behalf. Yes she put effort into this .....but it didnt feel right to me. In the car i was feeling like "i dont even belong here right now".…im not trying to make her have *duty date nights*...i just felt out of place with her tonight. Hurray....now im kinda depressed...i think about the times her and i went out before and they were fun....tonight didnt feel much like that. Shes just so into everything else ...that shes pushing me away. 😞😞😞


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So no matter what she does, you are not happy with it?


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