# Hope? He still loves me? Too fat...



## Lexi (Oct 22, 2011)

Here's my story - been married for 3 years during which time I gained over 80 pounds going from voluptious to morbidly obese.
DH has repeatidly and with increasing frequency advised me he was no longer physically attracted to me and that I was betraying our marriage vows, him, and our plans for the future by gaining weight. When we were dating, we had talked about living a healthy lifestyle, working out everyday. In all fairness to DH he has tried everything to help me lose weight but has become less and less tolerant as time went on.

Our sex life has decreased over time (from twice a day to twice a week - so still not outside of normal) and 6 months ago, DH started looking at online dating sites and communicating with women over email. He left me for a month and I begged him to come back saying I would change. 4 months later, I caught him e-mailing other women again. I have been trying to lose weight and lost a small amount (15 pounds) but am not doing it consistently.

I kicked him out the last time and we have been living apart for the past month. He is actively dating other women but comes to see me almost daily at home (no kids involved) and says he still loves me and hasn't met any other women he's serious about. We are still each other's best friends. In addition to the weight issue, we are not on the same page in terms of religion which has caused conflict.

He wants to settle down again quickly and isn't hiding that he's looking for the "one" and that in my current state I'm no longer it. He thinks I was lying to myself when we were first dating and that he committed to me based on false assumptions.

Is there any hope here? He gives me mixed messages because he won't move back in and is dating other women but then he tells me that if I can lose weight and line up my religious beliefs then we can be together. Is he just keeping all his options open?

I'm in a great deal of emotional pain over our separation. I realize I made a lot of mistakes and I make no excuses for not controling my weight. I know I should lose weight for myself...regardless of whether he comes back or not - it's just hard to do when you feel like your whole world has imploded. It's devastating to hear about his dating life. I don't know why I ask him about it - I guess to force myself to realize its over. Also, everyone is telling me that I should distance myself from him and not be friends. I do want the best for him and even though he had inappropriate contact with other women, he did give me plenty of warning that things were not right.


----------



## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

At least you had warning that things were not ok. My husband was emailing multiple women with loving and sexual exchanges and I had no idea. Husband is a narcotic abuser, so part of this is simply behavior of an addict. I asked him to move out 2 weeks ago and now he does not want any contact with me. He says he does not want to talk to me or see me. I think part of him is embarrassed. I also think that it is easier to be angry with me than to take responsibility for what he has done.

It would not be ok with me for my husband to be openly dating while we were seperated. At least not if there was any chance the marriage could be saved. I would set some ground rules with your husband during your seperation. If he does not agree, he has already given up on you and the marriage and it is not worth further emotional investment.


----------



## Lexi (Oct 22, 2011)

During our first separation he agreed that he would not see anyone else. With this latest separation he believes he's given me enough chances to change and has already "wasted" enough of his life on me so he's dating multiple women. I just don't understand how he can still love me and yet be going out with other women.


----------



## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

Well, he definately is not loyal or committed to you. Dating other women openly is the biggest sign you can receive. At some point you need to have enough self respect to tell him he cannot keep walking in and out of your life while exploring what else is out there in the world. He married you. He now wants the single lifestyle. HE wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to date, it sounds like a preamble to divorce. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and do not hang on to a man who will not stay devoted to you. Whether his reasons of straying are valid or not, he is telling you that he does not value you. Grieve this fact and allow yourself to take the necessary action to take control of your situation.


----------



## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Lexi,

As a guy I can understand where your husband is coming from, but I don't agree with bailing and dating other women. He can't demand that you lose weight to have a healthy marriage. It has to come from you to have a lasting effect. I would recommend that you see a counselor to determine why you gained the weight and what, if any, emotional issues are tied to it. 

People can't usually control how they react to changes. It is how he feels about it. If you want to change, it needs to be for you and not him. I'm sure you would like to be thinner most women I've met would. Sometime medically supervised weight loss can help, self help books, DVDs. At its core weight is about input-output. Modify both and you'll have the best results.

You need to believe that you are beautiful and valuable the way you are now, becuase you are. He doesn't get to set those standards about you. You do. I'm sure your aware of the health benefits associated with being thinner, but the best benefit is the boost to your self-esteem, and how others will respond to you. 

It is completely up to you wether you want him now. I'd be leaning towards no. If he's willing to bail over something like weight which is dynamic. What about the really hard stuff like kids, money issues, health problems, etc... What are his problems with religion? Is it interfaith issues or Believer/Athiest? He comes off in your writing as irrational and flaky.

GearHead


----------



## Lexi (Oct 22, 2011)

He is a Christian and when we were first dating he made it clear he would only marry a Christian woman which I became. However, he no longer believes I am saved and thus he is in an unequally yoked marriage and since I asked him to leave, it allows him to divorce me according to the Bible.

I am working on my weight issues and I do realize it has to be for me and not in an attempt to win him back.


----------



## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I would protest any person telling you that you aren't saved. That is between God and yourself. He can't possibily know that. I would recommend the book "Boundaries" for you. Don't internalize what he's telling you. It seems from what you have writen that he's intent on doing things his way and finding any means to justify them. I really would take a long hard look at your husbands actions and see if you really do want this person in your life.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lexi said:


> He is a Christian and when we were first dating he made it clear he would only marry a Christian woman which I became. *However, he no longer believes I am saved and thus he is in an unequally yoked marriage and since I asked him to leave, it allows him to divorce me according to the Bible.*
> 
> I am working on my weight issues and I do realize it has to be for me and not in an attempt to win him back.


:rofl: He must have IM with God. Sorry to make light of your subject, but what a douche to presume he knows your salvation 'status'.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lexi said:


> During our first separation he agreed that he would not see anyone else. With this latest separation he believes he's given me enough chances to change and has already "wasted" enough of his life on me so he's dating multiple women. I just don't understand how he can still love me and yet be going out with other women.


So, he's in an "unequally yoked' marriage...and he's a christian...but he dated multiple women (and had sex with probably) while still married to you?

I love Christians like this.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Lexi said:


> However, he no longer believes I am saved and thus he is in an unequally yoked marriage and since I asked him to leave, it allows him to divorce me according to the Bible.
> 
> I am working on my weight issues and I do realize it has to be for me and not in an attempt to win him back.


What a frickin hypocrite!!! He's no christian! You don't need to stand for that kind of behavior. Drop this guy.

And as for your weight, you're right. Do it for you and do it for your health. Get a membership to a gym. Yeah, it might feel uncomfortable being around people that are in shape and are working out. Believe me, there are a lot of people that are completely out of shape and aren't doing anything about it. You're in there making positive changes in your life and they would actually commend you for it. Get a personal trainer, they're not cheap, but they won't break the bank either. Set a personal goal and don't stop till you hit it. Okay, you're obese right now, but don't settle for chuncky either. This has to be a life changer for you. To exercise and eat right. 

Get motivated and get moving!


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Losing weight WILL help you feel better.

Exercise in the short term will help you feel more energized once you establish a routine. When the weight starts coming off, you will be able to rebuild your self-esteem, too.

DO get a counselor to help you on this process. Gaining 80 pounds has to have some sort of emotional root. If you can figure out what that is, you solve two problems.

Your husband shouldn't have cheated on you. If he really couldn't handle the weight problem, he should have at least asked you for a separation first. Being overweight does not entitle you to disrespect.

I can relate to how you feel because I have struggled a lot with my weight. My husband and I fought about my weight A LOT. I'm sure that my slow weight loss didn't help prevent his affairs, but his constant verbal abuse certainly didn't help me lose weight faster. I lost 30 pounds during the past 9 months of our marriage and have about 15-20 more to go before I get to my goal weight, but he was so lost in his affair fog that he couldn't even see the difference in my body. He and I are not speaking to each other at the moment, but I'm continuing my efforts to lose weight and doing it for me. I'm miserable about my failing marriage, but, I do feel physically better than I did before and I hope that will help restore my self esteem. 

If you like forums, I can suggest a good weight loss one that helped me stay motivated; just ask me in a private message and I will give you a link (don't know the policy about external links on this forum).

The best thing you can do for yourself is get healthy and drop some of the weight. You will feel better emotionally and physically!


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Lexi, 

First I want to explain the weight issue with you. When I got married, I weight 115 pounds. I probably gained 25 pounds in the six years that it was just the two of us. 

When we had our first child, i gained 40 pounds and put on bed rest. I had just started losing weight when I found out I was pregnant with our second. Both kids ended up with special needs and hubby went emotionally blank on me. He refused to help and I was beyond exhausted. I ended up in depression and maybe if I was lucky somehow survived on less than four hours of sleep for four years. I gained and gained. Hubby did not say a word.

Two years ago our marraige started falling apart because he wasn't here and I was still dealing with both kids medical issues and my own from not taking care of myself. Although he never said a word, I felt bad about my weight and could not lose it to save my life. I tried everything! Last year was a wake up call when I caught pneumonia for four months. It was then I wanted to lose the weight for me. I knew I couldn't do it alone so i went to my doc and we decided to go over my options. The best option for me was gastric by pass. THAT WAS BEST FOR ME. I have lost 73 pounds and feel so much better. When I made a comment the other day was why didn't you ever say anything even when we were on bad terms, his reply to me was because I love you no matter what and you were still beautiful to me. That is exactly what you should be hearing. Marraige doesn't fall apart because you gained weight. That is superficial. 

If your having issues with your weight, and you are not happy, then go talk to your doctor about what options are best for you. If you feel happy about your weight then be happy about it. I don't feel that you are, because being morbidly obese has its own set of mewdical issues and you need to prevent that from happening for your health!

As far as the hubby goes, distance yourself from him and work on your issues. I think the added preasure of him and his demand for your weight loss is creating even more stress for you. Hearing that your christian husband is going out with other women and him telling you it is because your overweight is a total cop out. Work on you and when yopu start focusing less on him and more on you, you will feel better and I bet a few more pounds will melt right off! You deserve so much better than this and right now, you don't feel that you really do. You need to pick yourself up and tell him that frankly, christian husbands stay faithful and you don't care to see him until he can make that committment to you. Adultry is a sin. 

Do it for you,not for him. Stay strong and resist his attempts to see you. He can't have his cake and eat it too. When you drop a few and feel good about yourself,go splurge and buy the sexiest outfit you can and then let him see what he missed. Talk to your doctor and discuss options. There are all kinds of things that can help so don't give up!


----------



## Lexi (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback! Sometimes I think it's just me, that I must be crazy to be thinking a certain way.

DH doesn't believe he's committing adultery because he now believes we were never married in a God ordained marriage because I wasn't upfront about my weight issues and "lack of faith" when we committed to be married.:scratchhead: I see now that he wants someone who's reading the bible daily, talking about Jesus and salvation to everyone and quoting scripture on a regular basis. That's just not me. I consider myself a Christian but I just don't express it that way.

I have started working out and do feel better physically. Emotionally though I'm very confused. He's trying to meet his perfect woman and discovering she's not out there (at least he hasn't found her yet). He's suggesting he might come back to me if he can't find his perfect woman because if he's going to settle, then he might as well settle for someone he already loves. Wow...that's just what I want...a guy who's "settled" for me.


----------



## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Lexi, RUN away from him!! What a horrible man - you deserve so much better. He does't love you. Love means acceptance which he is obviously unable to do! He is a miserable person. If you take him back then you will become miserable too. Get out, have fun, enjoy life - and if you want a relationship, find the man that thinks you are perfect!


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

A Christian, but OK to go out with other women while married. OK, you already know that is ridiculous. Especially since he is touting this as his reason for wanting a divorce. The Bible gives ADULTERY as grounds for divorce, not gaining weight.

On a brighter note, you will most likely lose weight because of this. I lost about 35 pounds or so. Many lose equal or greater amounts due to the not being able to eat, etc.


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Lexi said:


> Thanks for the feedback! Sometimes I think it's just me, that I must be crazy to be thinking a certain way.
> 
> DH doesn't believe he's committing adultery because he now believes we were never married in a God ordained marriage because I wasn't upfront about my weight issues and "lack of faith" when we committed to be married.:scratchhead: I see now that he wants someone who's reading the bible daily, talking about Jesus and salvation to everyone and quoting scripture on a regular basis. That's just not me. I consider myself a Christian but I just don't express it that way.
> 
> I have started working out and do feel better physically. Emotionally though I'm very confused. He's trying to meet his perfect woman and discovering she's not out there (at least he hasn't found her yet). He's suggesting he might come back to me if he can't find his perfect woman because if he's going to settle, then he might as well settle for someone he already loves. Wow...that's just what I want...a guy who's "settled" for me.


Lexi I have read both of your posts and just wanted to give you words of encouragement. Hang in there and I mean with yourself!!! Don't let him belittle you!!! Try to regain your self worth and just pay NO attention to his wishy washy ways.

Also, as a Christian woman too there is NOTHING in the bible ANYWHERE negating marriage vows! Not sure what the heck he is pitching you!:scratchhead: "he might come back if HE can't find the perfect woman?!?!?!? Might as well settle...PLEASE don't YOU settle for such a person who would even say that to another person nevertheless someone they love!!!

Regarding weight, I'm 44 and thought I could never lose the weight because of the hormones and slow/no metabolism....but if you haven't tried already, you should think about Nutrisystem it really worked for me, lost almost 30 pounds in a little over 3 months. I hate dieting and with MS can't do extreme cardio but just by walking 30 minutes and very light yoga I was able to do it. I say that ONLY so you can focus on yourself!!! not him... 

Again good luck and be strong for yourself!


----------

