# She isn't affectionate



## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

Immediately I know if she were to read this she'd say: "I'm such a b*tch."

It's not true, I love her entirely and I know that I can be a very needy person sometimes....


She suffers from anxiety and well currently I'm depressed. Her meds she's on atmo stop a lot of that anxiety (and stop her from having the more... 'dramatic' freakouts) but the downside is she is less affectionate. =/


Honestly I'm not sure if it's because she's less anxious and thus less needy or because she's just more detached emotionally.

We both have a tendency to want the other's attention when they don't want it (le sigh) but recently I've been really struggling to feel any love from her =/

I know it sounds awful and I know she does love me and does still trying but sometimes I really don't feel it.

I'll admit it, I'm a perfectionist and the main reason I'm depressed atmo is because I've just left my uni course (it really wasn't right for me) and have spent the last 6 months basically doing nothing (I needed a break after everything I've/she/we've been through) and we're broke now going to be moving shortly closer to our parents (for more support + people she knows etc etc) so yeah I beat myself up a lot about it.

My coping mechanisms mainly consist of two things:

1) Gaming
2) Her

She has always complained about my gaming habits and I've really been trying not to game so much recently and spend some time with her but 90% of the time I try she just says she doesn't want to or she's busy doing something else and I just feel so %$&^&$^& rejected 

I *always* want hugs and physical attention from her and I know that can be very demanding but a lot of the time I just feel so utterly unwanted and unloved and I really struggle with it.

I've spoken to her about it in depth and it did help a bit. She has since stuck the words "You are loved" onto the top of my second monitor which does help.

But I still don't know how to deal with it =/ I'm okay somedays and really, really not so good others and when she rejects me I just can't stand it. Should I blame myself for being so needy? Should I be angry at her for not being affectionate? Should she stop taking her meds and be more... volatile so that way she'll be affectionate? 


Any advice is greatly appreciated.

tl;dr : click next thread


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

imarriedyoung said:


> My coping mechanisms mainly consist of two things:
> 
> 1) Gaming
> 2) Her


My heart goes out to you. I can TOTALLY relate to what you are going through. This struck me the most out of everything you wrote. You say you suffer from depression and this makes perfect sense. I'm the same way. I had a few more coping mechanisms than you but my husband was on that list.

Fast forward to past therapy and I now know 2 things. 1) My husband can't be a coping mechanism for my depression and 2) he IS emotionally unavailable. 

So your situation may have multiple problems. You start with working on yourself. Get the depression under control before you point fingers at her.

Oh and if she's too busy then you go back to your gaming. You shouldn't have to lose ALL your coping mechanisms until you heal. That's unfair. And it's not like you are doing drugs or drinking. KWIM?


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

KWIM?


I can't imagine someone of the opposite sex being in my situation, but that's probably just me xD


She is emotionally available.... just not when/in the ways I want her to be =/

I'm trying to work on myself ( bit by bit) meds didn't really seem to do much (and trying to get a damn appointment to get more is so difficult most of the time I don't bother...)

I love gaming  Seriously, I'm running 2 eve clients atmo and thinking about how to get myself out of a sticky situation in dayz.....


But goddammit I want a hug!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

imarriedyoung said:


> KWIM?
> 
> She is emotionally available.... just not when/in the ways I want her to be =/
> 
> But goddammit I want a hug!


KWIM = know what I mean

What do you mean she's emotionally available but not when/in you want her to be? 

Does she not hug you? Do you hug her? Does she resist?


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

She resists! Almost all the time and by her standards she's emotionally available... it's kinda hard to explain, she's always there to talk to if I need her but she finds my necessity for physicality very overbearing....

Her parents are both mentally ill and were usually never in the house let alone emotionally available so she gets scared and closes up when I try and be there 'too much' especially physically =/


edit - definitely, people never seem to see a gaming obsession as a comparatively 'good' obsession... heck at least I'm not broke or addicted because of gaming


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

imarriedyoung said:


> She resists! Almost all the time and by her standards she's emotionally available... it's kinda hard to explain, she's always there to talk to if I need her but she finds my necessity for physicality very overbearing


Hate to break it to you but she's NOT emotionally available. Not at all. Being emotionally available means physical touch. Look it up. Talking isn't enough. Not even close.


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

So should I stamp my feet more then? Or just keep gaming?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Are those your only options? Is she seeking help for her physical touch aversion?


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

Well it's been a pain and a half to try and get her into therapy again... (her second to last therapist was utterly useless and her last one was CBT for her BPD but it was too short term and didn't do much good...) problem is finding a place that's available for her as an adult and not completely useless =/


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Are you okay being in a marriage where your needs aren't met?


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

Well saying it like that doesn't sound very nice at all... I love my wife very much and aren't going to just drop everything when the going gets tough... no matter how tough it gets going 

I know she used to be a lot more affectionate but we've both changed considerably in the time we've known each other; we celebrated our 1 year anniversary not too long ago.

Besides, I know I'm needy, a lot more so when I'm feeling crap. It'd be unreasonable for me to just say my needs aren't being met and leave at this point.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I didn't say leave I'm just giving you a glimpse into your future. I've been married for 20 years to an emotionally unavailable man. I can assure you it doesn't magically get better. If anything it gets worse.

Back to your options. Stamping your feet won't fix her physical touch aversion. She has to want to change that and you can't want it for her. 

So my vote is keep gaming. And when she complains about it tell her you have physical touch needs. Either she wants to cuddle with you or you will seek solace in a good game.


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

I can't even begin to imagine how hard that's been for you but damn do you deserve a medal or something... or some condolence flowers and chocolates or something?

"So my vote is keep gaming. And when she complains about it tell her you have physical touch needs. Either she wants to cuddle with you or you will seek solace in a good game. "

In that case, I shall take your advice and see what happens


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## Ineptitude (May 30, 2012)

About her not liking to be touched - is she in physical pain of some sort? Is the house too hot? Are you trying to hug her in public where she might think it's inappropriate? There might be some other, fixable, reason why she doesn't feel like cuddling. 

If you're not working, and you're gaming a lot, that might be part of it. Even if it's something you both agreed on, if she's at work all day and comes home to find you sitting on the computer, it can have a parent-child dynamic which is (obviously) not too sexy. Try cleaning, cooking dinner, or taking care of something you know she hates to do. Accomplishing something will make you feel better about yourself (trust me here), and it might make her see you as the loving partner you are. 

Good luck!


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

She isn't working either, she's studying a distance-learning course with the OU and I've recently left uni.

No she's not in any physical pain, and I can forgive her for not wanting to be so intimate in public and I guess part of it could be laziness. We both do a lot around the house but when we're both stressed like we are currently we bicker about who's done what etc etcc....


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## Ineptitude (May 30, 2012)

It sounds like you're both stressed, only you react to it in different ways - you by wanting affection, her by wanting some space. Hopefully things will get better after you move, settle in, and find some income. Being broke and moving are both big causes of marital strife.


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

Heh, amen to that.

Well thank you both for your comments, they are much appreciated


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I relate, big time, more than you could ever know. I have always been a gamer, my wife does to some extent but lately (last 2 to 3 years) she has gotten immersed heavily into Facebook. She has always had anxiety/depression issues but until recently I didn't realize how bad they were.

I was playing an online MUD (text based game) for a long time, much longer than I should have been considering what else is available. I would try other games, like Travian (took WAY too much time and stress to keep up with), and really got away from any console games. 

Last June she finally convinced me to play WoW with her, and we did that for awhile, but I am much more likely to immerse myself into a game than she is, and it didn't take me long to actually get a higher level character than even she had. 

Unfortunately, she decided a year ago she wasn't happy in the marriage, and that sent me spiraling and now I'M dealing with anxiety and depression. So in a lot of ways I'm very much aware of what she is going through. What I don't get is how I can be so affectionate to her, rubbing her back or shoulders at night, kissing her goodnight or good morning, initiating physical contact, etc, and she just doesn't do it much at all anymore. With her though she has unresolved feelings for an ex bf from years ago. Hopefully your wife isn't dealing with THAT also.


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