# Losing Sexual Interest With Wife - Not Elsewhere



## T.Ponds225 (Sep 20, 2010)

*edit*

This forum isn't so great. You get a lot of finger wagging, and judgement. I never claimed to be perfect, and admitted my faults/mistakes. I came here for help, and got some, but also got judged by people who I'm pretty sure aren't perfect either.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Only you can answer your question because the answer lies within the problem. But you don't say why you are no longer sexually attracted to your wife, and it doesn't seem that you know why. The way a spouse acts, things they do that you don't care for, or if she treats you badly are a few reasons I can think of that will destroy sexual attraction (for women usually). But again, you give us no reasons, so who can answer without that information? If there is nothing she does/did, I will venture the guess that it sounds like your wife has become familiar, and you are not the kind of guy who should have gotten married. 

She did not deserve for you to break her heart like this. That you reject her is breaking her heart. She just hasn't mentioned it yet or questioned you about it yet. If she did, you lied, but she knows the truth and your lies compounded the offense, added insult to injury. Stop lying to her because lying tells the person you feel they are too stupid to figure you out. You are insulting her on so many different levels.

She did not deserve for you to break her heart when you finally tell her the truth. Alas, she needs to know and she probably will know when you decide to leave, realizing you should not have gotten married. There you go breaking her heart again.

She did not deserve for you to cheat on her either. You don't call it cheating and don't even want to discuss it, which further indicates being inconsiderate. Well then, don't read the rest of this paragraph. An emotional affair is an affair and is cheating because you fantasize about someone else, when you shouldn't think of anyone in that manner above your wife. It is an affair and is cheating because you do things with (virtually) and say things to another woman that should be reserved only for the woman you married....as in the vows/promises/assurances you made but obviously lied about those too.

Unfortunately, the only things I can imagine will help is something you would have no control over or if you suddenly developed a conscience and realize you should appreciate what you have. Other than that, you would have the normal human reaction if you found out she was having an affair. Then you would want her sexually. If she left you, you would want her. If she were indifferent to you, you would want her. If she told you the ominous "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" you would want her. All those scenarios have a way of playing havoc on the human psyche and blowing libido up to new heights. But you give no reason to think she may do any of those. Thus, the reason you would have no control because doing any of those yourself won't have the same affect. They would have that affect on her but not on you, so please don't break her heart in that way too.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

You bought a gorgeous BMW, WOW, shiny, fancy, and showy, you were excited...............After eight years................your car is still in a good shape, but you started staring other fancy cars on the road................ That's how I explain why you are not excited about having sex with your wife anymore. 

Solution, I am trying hard to think......................
Imagine your life without your wife, imagine your life without your car....................What kind of life will you have????????? I a kind of feel you have a wonderful wife since you praise her a lot here. 
I can guarantee your life will be shattered without her..................

How can you rekindle the lust? Help!!! friends, please help him.............We don't want to see another woman have a broken heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

Rusko said:


> I'm playing tag with my wiener daily, sometimes twice a day lol.


I wish we had sigs here, because that would SO be sigged 

But on a serious note, are you always using porn while doing this? If not, why cant you do the same, just replace hand with wife


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

If there is not sexual attraction, there is resentment.

Find out why you are resenting your wife in your relationship, and fix it.

SOmetimes this is easy, such as with affairs or abuse, other times it is the million little compromises we feel we need to sacrifice as our own desires and wants and needs to appease our spouse in the relationship. But instead to try to make someone else happy, which is impossible, we only make ourselves miserable and fuel resentment.

Ask yourself tough questions, how you feel when your woman is in the room, and why? Are there the things you wish you could be doing without her? Is there more money you could be enjoying without her? Is there some other person you could be with without her? Ask these kind of questions to find the root of resentment, and fix it!

Resentment or sexual attraction, there is either one or the other.

I wish you well.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> If there is not sexual attraction, there is resentment...Find out why you are resenting your wife in your relationship, and fix it.


AMEN! I'm living on the wife's side of this predicament and can assure you that the resentment will only continue to drive the wedge deeper. Take some time -- without your online "friend" -- to really figure out what it is about your wife that is turning you off, whether sexually or otherwise. Maybe she's letting herself go? Maybe she's been neglecting you and your family? Maybe she's been choosing something over you? HOW is she different from when you were madly attracted to her? If any of your answers are things you think she can remedy, TALK TO HER.

Once alive in full force, the resentment thing can be a killer to your relationship. I really admire you for noticing the problem and taking a step, like posting here, to find a solution. :smthumbup:


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## T.Ponds225 (Sep 20, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Only you can answer your question because the answer lies within the problem. But you don't say why you are no longer sexually attracted to your wife, and it doesn't seem that you know why. The way a spouse acts, things they do that you don't care for, or if she treats you badly are a few reasons I can think of that will destroy sexual attraction (for women usually). But again, you give us no reasons, so who can answer without that information? If there is nothing she does/did, I will venture the guess that it sounds like your wife has become familiar, and you are not the kind of guy who should have gotten married.
> 
> She did not deserve for you to break her heart like this. That you reject her is breaking her heart. She just hasn't mentioned it yet or questioned you about it yet. If she did, you lied, but she knows the truth and your lies compounded the offense, added insult to injury. Stop lying to her because lying tells the person you feel they are too stupid to figure you out. You are insulting her on so many different levels.
> 
> ...


This is not what I need. 

If I wanted to be judged, and have a finger wagged at me, I could have gone many places.

I came here for judgement free advice. And you haven't even come close to that. The moral implications of my actions are another discussion all together. That's not what I asked. You seem bitter or jaded. Really you don't seem like the kind of person who should be giving out advice...especially if you call that reply advice. Things like "when I decide to leave" and I sound like I shouldn't have gotten married point to you coloring me with a familiar pen. You seem to have either ignored, or are oblivious to to the fact that I am looking for help to save my sex life, because I'm not looking to sleep with another woman.



BigBadWolf said:


> If there is not sexual attraction, there is resentment.
> 
> Find out why you are resenting your wife in your relationship, and fix it.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is what I was looking for. 

At first glance I thought that this was good advice, but seems off, because I can't think of how I might resent my wife. But thinking about it more and more there could be a couple things there.

For the most part I love her company, and love her deeply. I'm not sure what could cause so much resent that I don't want to sleep with her anymore. But you've given me something to think about and work on. Thank you.



Hopeful1 said:


> AMEN! I'm living on the wife's side of this predicament and can assure you that the resentment will only continue to drive the wedge deeper. Take some time -- without your online "friend" -- to really figure out what it is about your wife that is turning you off, whether sexually or otherwise. Maybe she's letting herself go? Maybe she's been neglecting you and your family? Maybe she's been choosing something over you? HOW is she different from when you were madly attracted to her? If any of your answers are things you think she can remedy, TALK TO HER.
> 
> Once alive in full force, the resentment thing can be a killer to your relationship. I really admire you for noticing the problem and taking a step, like posting here, to find a solution. :smthumbup:


Thank you. This is good too. She definitely hasn't let herself go. In fact quite the opposite. 

Some good words there. Thank you.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

First, really dont see how Susans post really helps. I was pretty dissapointed to read that lecture.

To the Poster -

I could have written that exact same thread. Exact same situation here. Hot wife, loved her to death, still ove her, but have almost lost all sexual attraction to her. Actaully try and avoid sex with her, and would rather masterbate than have sex with her. BTW, when we do have sex she thinks its the best, typically climaxes at least 3 times and raves about how her sex life is great and just gets better. She is more than OK with little change or excitement in our sex lives, I do all the work (have to as she is not great in bed).

I am simply bored with our sex life, and crave some excitement of change of pace and she doesn't. 

I wish I could restore what was there, but fear it has been so tarnished it wont return. Wish I had the awnsers for you.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Rusko said:


> Thank you. This is what I was looking for.
> 
> At first glance I thought that this was good advice, but seems off, because I can't think of how I might resent my wife. But thinking about it more and more there could be a couple things there.
> 
> For the most part I love her company, and love her deeply. I'm not sure what could cause so much resent that I don't want to sleep with her anymore. But you've given me something to think about and work on. Thank you.


Seek out the resentment, absolutely.

Also, look inward to your own sexual fantasies. Sexual fantasies are the shadows of what we are missing or desiring in our reality. 

You say you are attracted to other women? So what scenarios go through your mind? How about masturbation? What is in your mind during this? 

Even if your fantasies are dark or difficult to put into words, consider what these desires could be the clue to what is missing in your own relationship with your woman.


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## jacobskoog (Mar 11, 2011)

Wow, this is an excellent forum!
I have basically the exact same problem. 
After about a year of being together with my g/f i started losing all sexual interest in her, and by now it's down to literally nothing!

In our situation, we went through some hardships (too long to get into exact details) but the main issue, was that due to her being a very spoiled person, and me being a bit of a pushover, it turned out where i wound up supporting her for about 2 years on top of having to solve all her problems.
Now, anyone would say "why would you support a person you've only been with for about 1 year?"
short answer, I'm not a quitter... and a pushover... 
again, long story short, i used to be a full time musician, touring constantly, getting lots of "female attention", and with this girl , i just told myself, "this is it! come rain or come shine, i'm not giving up!"

Back to my point. 
I found that more and more, we where turning into a father/daughter kind of relationship, so much so, that our fights, can literally be:
-"c'mon honey, you have to go to work..."
-"I don't feel like it! and i don't feel like it, i'm not going to do it!"

I know where she gets it from, because her sister's even worse.

To sum it up, i do feel like the resentment issue is there, but also just the fact that i view her more as a very close family member. I don't want to say "daughter", because that could just possibly open the floodgates on a different discussion.
I miss her lots when i'm not with her, and i know i love her a lot, but it's just the sexual part that doesn't seem to be there any more.

btw, did anyone ever solve their issues?

please let me know....


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## mystical muse (Nov 30, 2011)

Believe me, if you think your wife doesn't know you're wrong. I too was in your wife's position- husband felt the same as you do and went online for 'excitement' (I found his history), did 'the talk' lots of times, tried to interest him, frustration turned to anger as we couldn't resolve the problem. So, even though he swears he loves me more than life itself and I believe him, we're now separating. The thing is no one forced him to look online. He could have stopped the rot anytime he wanted - by wanting me and doing anything he could to achieve it. He didn't. You're in real danger of losing your wife and for what? A feeling of dissatisfaction? The dissatisfaction is within you, about you, not in your marriage. It's your mind-set you need to reprogram.
If you think you haven't yet hurt your wife you're in denial. Just like men, women also KNOW when somethings up - she may not be telling you yet but she will. When she gets to that stage you're in big trouble because she'll already have been doing a lot of soul searching before that stage.
Grow a pair and talk to her HONESTLY before it's too late. A real discussion might offer opportunities for you BOTH to work on the issues, your marraige could become stronger and closer.


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

Rusko,

There are ebbs and flows in sexual attraction, but that doesn't mean that you can't also take an active role in changing the situation. 

I think the first thing to do is think about what the "cyber-affair" did for you that your wife is not? Was it that the other woman was being more aggressive, direct? Have you and your wife fallen into roles that preclude sexiness? Is she still wearing those old flannel pajamas with holes in them?

If so, you can do something about this. If you love her and want to be with her, and the only issue is sex (which it rarely is), then my advice is to "fake it until you make it." Have her wear something sexy, let her know a fantasy of yours. Put on your game face and approach her like the man you are or want to be. See what happens. You are waiting on her to turn you on. Turn her on and I bet things will look a lot different.

If the issue is deeper, then you need to talk to her, open up about the situation. But this can cause self-consciousness and doubt (very unsexy). Try the former first and see what happens.

I was in a rut for a while, but switched my attitude and now I can't stop pursuing my wife, although I am trying to be reserved about it. No more random ass grabs as she walks by, unless she is flaunting it ;-).


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Rusko - YOU are responsible for keeping the spark alive in your marriage just as much as your wife is. What have YOU done to keep the flame alive?

You say you have never cheated on your wife, but you HAVE...emotionally, at least. Cheating just clouds the issue because it makes it seem like if you just traded your wife in for a new model that life would be dandy....but it doesn't work like that in real life.

I believe that your lack of attraction to your wife is emotionally based and while some of it may have to do with her, I think if you dig deep (if you are brave enough to stomach it!) you will find that you are not happy with yourself. Your wife knows who you are and so you are real to her. She knows all your faults. I think you crave a different woman who doesn't really know you so you can be someone better than who you think you are, is my guess. You can be whatever you want with someone new, especially online. Those online affairs are basically two people projecting.

Instead of investing your emotional energy in your wife, you turned to another woman (who is not in a healthy place, nor are you, wihich is why you gravitated to each other). I hope you have realized that this is NOT the solution to your problem.

I would get some individual counseling to start. Maybe down the road you could go to MC with your wife, but I suspect there are issues you need to deal with on your own first. It could be a whole host of things and you need to figure this out quickly before you make a mess of your life. If your wife ever found out about your online shenanigans, I can guarantee you that she would be crushed beyond words and would consider it a huge betrayal of her and your marriage. Don't sabotage your life any more!

I say this with no judgement about you, as I have been there before, in my first marriage.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Rusko said:


> This is not what I need.
> 
> If I wanted to be judged, and have a finger wagged at me, I could have gone many places.
> 
> I came here for judgement free advice. And you haven't even come close to that. The moral implications of my actions are another discussion all together. That's not what I asked. You seem bitter or jaded. Really you don't seem like the kind of person who should be giving out advice...especially if you call that reply advice. Things like "when I decide to leave" and I sound like I shouldn't have gotten married point to you coloring me with a familiar pen. You seem to have either ignored, or are oblivious to to the fact that I am looking for help to save my sex life, because I'm not looking to sleep with another woman.


Hmm, it sounds like you are judging yourself here. It sounds like you are feeling guilty for getting into an affair (albeit emotional...not much different except no sex) You say she hasn't "let herself go", so then WHAT IS THE REASON. You have to ask why you need to communicate with some other woman about feelings you need to share with your wife. 



[/QUOTE]At first glance I thought that this was good advice, but seems off, because I can't think of how I might resent my wife. But thinking about it more and more there could be a couple things there.[/QUOTE]

Not to be judgmental but....Why do you feel sexually aroused by other women and not your w? You seem to be asking how to fall back in love? And that is something only you can answer. I may have missed the point somewhere in your post but it sounds like you just want someone to stop you from having an a sexual affair with your EA.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think it all goes back to your marriage vows. I'm pretty old school having an intact family growing up and being born in the 60's. 

I have that upbringing where when you make a vow... you have to be a man of your word or your integrity means NOTHING. Integrity is a lifestyle.

You promised your wife "To have and to hold" "To forsake all others" "For better and for worse"

Are you a man of your word or not?

Have you talked to your wife about this issue yet? If not you should. She needs to know. Give her the opportunity to help or you can both mutually decide the marriage should end.

You and her are both 100% responsible for your marriage.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Have you told her the truth? I have a pretty strong feeling that my husband feels this way about me. I wish he would be honest. It would make moving on easier. As it is I keep hoping for better and believing his excuses and I live in a perpetual state of hurt and insecurity over our relationship. I'm finally starting to understand that it will never change and now I have to decide if and when to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nip this in the bud, man, before you end up physically cheating on her.

Talk to her and tell her you feel this way. She deserves to know the truth.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Does she make an effort on her end to turn you on? try different things? or is she reserved and only in it to make you happy.


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## bpsleo (Jan 12, 2012)

Rusko said:


> Hey guys, first post. Found the forum and thought this would be a good place to seek help.
> 
> I've been together with my wife for a total of 8 years. Over the past couple years my sexual interest in her has been slowly dwindling, and it's getting really bad now. I find myself occasionally making excuses to even get out of sex.
> 
> ...


A suggestion.

when you married , what are the things excited you?
Pen down on paper.

Now go over those points and tick them which are happening.

Go over this process many times. Then you will get better and clear picture.

Once diagnosed, then start looking for solutions.

In medication in Homeopathy, it is Indifferent behaviour towards particular person and medication can be done in Homeopathy. 

make changes in your daily routine. Do not follow set routine. Bring changes in life. Do you follow any Hobbies? if not pursue some hobby.

go out station for some days, then see if get attracted to your wife when return.

There are many solutions. search for your self.


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## niki1989 (Jun 14, 2012)

I think the most common explanation for this is a combination of social attitudes towards sex and self-esteem and limerence. 

Limerence is a very powerful, sub-concious attraction that is active when we first meet someone. But limerence fades over time and issues like self-esteem can become and issue in relationships that were originally over-ridden by this all powerful Limerence. 

Social attitudes say that it is disrespectful to be solely sexually attracted to your partner. Combined with fading limerence and possible issues with self-esteem, this can lead to someone losing sexual interest at a sub-concious level. But of course your limerence will still be active with new women you meet so while you lose interest with your partner you remain strongly attracted to other women. 

You can not change the limerence, so you have to tackle the other issues. You need to make a real effort to develop a fun sex life and high level of communication. It isn't necessarily a wise thing to tell your wife that you are losing interest in her, just that you feel that life is missing something and you feel that you both need to work at making thing more interesting. 

There is loads of advice on how to make things interesting, but basically comes down to your determination to make it work. Above all else you need to get rid of routine!! Spice things up. New situations, new things!! And LOADS and LOADS of communication!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Some men need sexual variety and newness in order to have enough sexual desire to be able to get an erection or ejaculate. Sometimes men don't discover this until after they are married. Unfortunately unless he can get his wife to agree to an open marriage, entering into the Swinging Lifestyle or just being able to have a threesome, he will cease being able to perform with her at all and the marriage will become sexless. For the wife the choices are these: 1)open up the sexual aspect of the marriage 2) Join other couples for mixed sexual encounters 3) have less sex but have it be good when she does have it by permitting a third person to join in 4) live in a sexless marriage 5)get a divorce.

It is extremely rare for a man with these kinds of sexual needs to ever have renewed sexual interest in his wife without taking the steps mentioned above.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

IMHO you are expecting your wife to compete with fantasy, and she's losing. In your online affair you were able to project what you wanted in a woman onto the person at the other end of the mailbox. She could present herself in a way that you found exciting regardless of what she is like in real life. Online is not reality and your wife will never be able to compete with that.

You don't say, but is it safe to assume that you fantasize when you masturbate? If so then there also you are able to imagine women, sexual acts, and scenarios that excite you without having to include the every day reality of living with someone, trying to work on a marriage, and trying to meet her needs. Masturbation is a very one sided activity. We don't have to worry about anyone's needs but our own. To date myself and steal from a song, "Imaginary lovers never let you down. They're are always there when you need satisfaction guaranteed."

What do you think might happen if you didn't have masturbation as a sexual outlet? It would seem to me that you are directing your sexual energy into solo activity, rather than experiencing the anticipation of having sex with your wife. I think it not only saps your sexual need for her, but also takes away your incentive to connect with her and build intimacy.

I suggest cutting out the masturbation as a start. Focus on your marriage instead of on momentary sexual pleasure. I would never suggest using your wife for sex without love, but my guess is that with respect to this issue the longer you go without sex, the hotter your wife is going to look. Take responsibility for her needs and pleasure, and give her the chance to take responsibility for yours.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

If you stop masturbating and communicating with other women and don't watch porn (if you do)

bet

you will start wanting to do your wife again.

Fact is, if she were your sole source of sexual release, you would want to do her. 

If you don't understand my advice.......think it through.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

chattycathy said:


> Fact is, if she were your sole source of sexual release, you would want to do her.


This probably won't be true depending on what is causing the problem. As a matter of fact having just the one partner may have caused the problem in the first place. If a man has no sexual desire for his wife, starving him sexually will not bring his desire back. Men are not like training a puppy....removing the newspaper on the floor one sheet at a time until the dog is trained to pee on just one piece. If a guy can't get it up for a particular woman nothing is going to change that. Despite what a lot of women think, erections are not automatic. If there is no desire, there is no erection and no sex no matter how long it's been since he had his last orgasm.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

chattycathy said:


> If you stop masturbating and communicating with other women and don't watch porn (if you do)
> 
> bet
> 
> ...


True dat.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Some men need sexual variety and newness in order to have enough sexual desire to be able to get an erection or ejaculate. Sometimes men don't discover this until after they are married. Unfortunately unless he can get his wife to agree to an open marriage, entering into the Swinging Lifestyle or just being able to have a threesome, he will cease being able to perform with her at all and the marriage will become sexless. For the wife the choices are these: 1)open up the sexual aspect of the marriage 2) Join other couples for mixed sexual encounters 3) have less sex but have it be good when she does have it by permitting a third person to join in 4) live in a sexless marriage 5)get a divorce.
> 
> It is extremely rare for a man with these kinds of sexual needs to ever have renewed sexual interest in his wife without taking the steps mentioned above.


This "Some Men" analogy is faulty. Men who have brought themselves to a level of pleasure through living one foot in fantasy land and one foot in reality, can not perform when reality requires it. "Some Men" seems to be by some natural order or chance. I suggest he watch this, instead and follow through. TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Ayla said:


> Have you told her the truth? I have a pretty strong feeling that my husband feels this way about me. I wish he would be honest. It would make moving on easier. As it is I keep hoping for better and believing his excuses and I live in a perpetual state of hurt and insecurity over our relationship. I'm finally starting to understand that it will never change and now I have to decide if and when to move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I am in the EXACT same situation. I said to him, "You are no longer sexually attracted to me, I need to hear you say it out loud. Cut me loose." He denies it. I have become just a mother to him.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

jacobskoog said:


> Wow, this is an excellent forum!
> I have basically the exact same problem.
> After about a year of being together with my g/f i started losing all sexual interest in her, and by now it's down to literally nothing!
> 
> ...


I have the same in reverse. My husband does not initiate in bed at all for years now. I have become nothing more than a mother to him. I resent it. He had an EA and got caught in December. Now we go to MC (2nd session tonight). We will see if it helps. He has stopped with his chronic masturbation for two weeks now. I had intimacy once. I am willing to start slowly, but not be overlooked. It is very painful. I feel for you.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> This "Some Men" analogy is faulty. Men who have brought themselves to a level of pleasure through living one foot in fantasy land and one foot in reality, can not perform when reality requires it. "Some Men" seems to be by some natural order or chance. I suggest he watch this, instead and follow through. TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube


Thanks for sharing this video. I felt it was spot on and I would go as far as to say I reckon it is the cause of a lot of concern which comes back to affect relationships. 

I agree it is applicable to the OP and helps with some penetrating answers.


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## DysHus1 (Sep 12, 2012)

Wow! Rusko....I feel your pain! I Googled lost sexual desire for wife and stumbled upon this site. Seems like everyone missed the point and are very judgmental. It is easy to be that way when you don't have this issue. It has to be deeper than that! For me I wonder if my sexual pattern before marriage is impacting me now in the marriage. Men are hunters by nature, and without the thrill of the hunt, the passion is not there. I am not saying it is right, I am saying it is something to consider. How to over come it is another issue. Not sure we will get the answers we need here. Let me say I love my wife and have been married for about 3years after being single for quite a while. Would appreciate any real concern and advise. Keep your judgments please. If you don't walk in our shoes, you have nothing but an opinion to offer! We all know about opinions!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Start a cyber affair with your wife. Seriously. Stop with the porn and masturbating and direct your fantasies toward your wife. Seduce her, woo her, and explore new avenues by having a cyber affair with her.

Cut the porn and masturbation and chase her like you did when you were dating. _Try it._ It can't hurt.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Some men need sexual variety and newness in order to have enough sexual desire to be able to get an erection or ejaculate. Sometimes men don't discover this until after they are married. Unfortunately unless he can get his wife to agree to an open marriage, entering into the Swinging Lifestyle or just being able to have a threesome, he will cease being able to perform with her at all and the marriage will become sexless. For the wife the choices are these: 1)open up the sexual aspect of the marriage 2) Join other couples for mixed sexual encounters 3) have less sex but have it be good when she does have it by permitting a third person to join in 4) live in a sexless marriage 5)get a divorce.
> 
> It is extremely rare for a man with these kinds of sexual needs to ever have renewed sexual interest in his wife without taking the steps mentioned above.


Or he could stop watching porn and focusing on other women. It's amazing what can happen when people focus on each other, rather then act like they have a right to get sexual satisfaction in whatever form they choose from multiple people. 
People are being told by society that they need variety or else they will shrivel and and die lol, untrue, the more variety we have the more unsatisfied we become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Depends what's going on. Some people need the excitement and variety of regular new sexual partners in order to have enough sexual desire to function normally. If you have had any desire related sexual dysfunctions with your wife such as losing your erection in the middle of sex or trouble ejaculating with her then this could be the reason.

The other major reason a guy loses interest in his wife but still remains sexually normal with others is not caused by the wife but by marriage itself. There are few other relationships in life that are more intimate in and out of the bedroom than marriage. Many people suffer from conscious and, more often subconscious fear of intimacy. This fear, especially in men, can shut down sexual desire. Often this doesn't happen right away in a marriage but often happens when the bloom comes off the rose and the marriage settles into a routine. These men should probably never marry but like others they want to be part of a family and have children but very often pay a high price in wanting this....the price being a sexually barren marriage.

The outcomes of these problems are usually pretty grim. If the man wants to stay married and fears endangering the relationship by stepping out for sex, he often turns to solo masturbation and porn. If his need for some "strange" in order to get sexually aroused is strong then he will throw caution to the wind and engage in the types of sexual relationships he finds arousing. And chances are he would never stay with one particular partner for very long preferring to keep things new and exciting to keep the sexual desire at a high level.

For both these problems there is usually a pattern in past relationships. Indeed many of these men marry and, knowing their problems would simply repeat themselves in any other relationship they might enter into, they end up staying in what usually turns out to be a lifelong sexless marriage.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

Rusko said:


> Hey guys, first post. Found the forum and thought this would be a good place to seek help.
> 
> I've been together with my wife for a total of 8 years. Over the past couple years my sexual interest in her has been slowly dwindling, and it's getting really bad now. I find myself occasionally making excuses to even get out of sex.
> 
> ...


You want to know how to re-ignite the fire with your wife eh?

Two words...QUIT MASTURBATING!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The original post was made two years ago. According to the poster's profile, he hasn't been back since 2010.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP....Go to (Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn. ).... you will see and understand how porn effects your brain. It can really alter your brain.Your brain will want more and more, to reach the desired stimulation.You will find yourself looking at some really weird stuff. 

Its like someone on drugs , the same amount last time doesn't give you a thrill, you need more and more and harder stuff. ... It doesn't effect everyone like that, just like some people drink alcohol or gambling, some get hooked some don't......

You are not just effecting yourself with this. You will soon find yourself with ED with your wife. But sit in front of a PC monitor and be able to get a [email protected] @n


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Well I am going to put my two cents in here. 

The biggest issue right now to me is the Affair you had. Yes an online e affair is still and Affair. Wether you like it or not you have compromised your marriage. I can't tell you why your wife is capturing you imagination. I can tell you some guesses. 
guess one: you are masturbating very regularly so that probably means porn and lots of it. See porn does this thing where if you watch it too much the FANTASY starts creeping into reality. Sure watching woman getting railroaded or banged three ways from sunday sounds great. However it is all staged and nothing in them is real. That mindblowing orgasm.... 8 times out of ten totally fake. 
2. Well let me guess you have been jacking off and watching all this crazy porn that shows different positions or settings that turn you on. Now you turn that off and get jiggy with your wife. Well she may not be able to pull of the one legged backwards doggystyle witch looks good on porn but really sucks for your wife since she'd have to be a gymnast or paid a lot of money to stand like that for long. 

3. Now that you are getting your mind blown by porn and knuckl children and your wife just can't seem to live up to porn star status. You meet this new woman online. You haven't met her in person so in your mind while you are doing all this e sex you are thinking of this woman as a pornstar. Since she is sending you all this stuff online of course she can do anything. She can tell you she can do all this cool stuff. and Make you all these promises and without actually meeting her in person you know she is a six foot tall blond with 34 d cups and legs for days. So what is the reality well most likely if the woman is sneaking onliine to get her rocks off shen't not a six foot tall hot blonde.

You are living in a fantasy, the term for your problem is porn creep.

I have a challenge for you. Write down three things that you want your wife to do to you sexually. NOw after than unplug your computer from the internet, or put netnanny on it. Turn on the parental controls on you phone and stop watching porn for one month. 
Don't jack off , don't have sex with your wife, don't have any sexual encounters. Pick up a hobby again, find something to do that is productive rather than just produces knuckle children. Take your wife out to a club or a bar. Go dancing or work out together. After 30 days of no sex and no porn take out another sheet of paper and write down your 3 things that you want your wife to do to you sexually. I bet you if you stayed true and didn't just remember the crap from your first 3 fantasies. I have a feeling you might just surprise yourself how messed up you really were. 

You need to come clean about the online affair. If you don't tell her and she finds out. It will be ten times worse. Man up and come clean. Sending a no contact letter to the OW you had the affair with and likely are still talking to on occasion. Next is giving your wife all of your passwords to email, phone and any other forms of communication to show her you really mean that you are willing to not hide anything from her. You need to understand what you did wasn't just an ooops. You betrayed your wife. 

If you find that you can't go 30 days without watching porn then you should probably seek IC as you maybe fully addicted to the rush of masturbation also known as sexual addiction. 

My friend this road you are on is not a good one. You have compromised your marriage. Gotten addicted to the fantasy of porn and had and EMotional Affair. Until you deal with these issues you are not going to have a good marriage. You will devastate the woman you love and care for the most. You will end your marriage and have no one else to blame but yourself. Your wife is not responible for any of this. As soon as you decided you would get tot he point that you needed extramarital help in the form of an A. Your wife is not on the hook. She is a real person and can't compete with the fantasy world you have created in your head. 

I highly suggest you repost this or tell your story in the coping with infidelity thread. This is not just a sexual issue anymore.


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

badbane said:


> Well I am going to put my two cents in here.
> 
> The biggest issue right now to me is the Affair you had. Yes an online e affair is still and Affair. Wether you like it or not you have compromised your marriage. I can't tell you why your wife is capturing you imagination. I can tell you some guesses.
> guess one: you are masturbating very regularly so that probably means porn and lots of it. See porn does this thing where if you watch it too much the FANTASY starts creeping into reality. Sure watching woman getting railroaded or banged three ways from sunday sounds great. However it is all staged and nothing in them is real. That mindblowing orgasm.... 8 times out of ten totally fake.
> ...


Wow! Great post. What u said about 'devastating the one u Love and care for most' really resonated with me. Thank you


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It is going to be hard for the OP. He's got to see what he is doing and what he has done for what it really is. I was a porn addict. I would watch porn four to five hours a day. There external factors that got me there. I wasn't in a good place, my schedule sucked, I barely saw my friends let alone, dated. I was very lonely for about two years. That's when I got severely addicted and it took meeting my wife and dating her for two years to finally start taking on the problem. I still watch porn but it is a rare occasion and It is not an involuntary response to free time. It took me two full years probably from the time I started to deal with the porn addiction. Going to a recovery group, accepting where I was in life, letting go of letting down my family where my education was concerned, and filling my schedule up with anything I could think of. To get to the point I am at now. 

Porn is dangerous. It really isn't what is going on on the screen that makes it dangerous. It is what our brain does when we masturbate to it that is really the kicker. EVerytime you masturbate to porn you are rewarding you brain with a flood of dopamine. Just like cocain does just not nearly as strong. So the addiction is slow in forming. IF you do it regularly you are flooding your brain with dopamine regularly and your brain does what it does best. It adapts and starts saying well it feels good but we have other stuff to do so I am gonna turn down the good feelings for a bit. So regular masturbation doesn't provide that kick anymore. Neither will sex since it comes from the same place in the brain. Going without masturbating can cause you to feel depressed and anxious. Because your brain is readjusting to it normal levels of hormones. The good thing about porn addiction is that you can recover 100%. It isn't like cocain addiction where dopamine production becomes dependent on the drug. However you will suffer withdrawal symptoms. 

SExual and porn addiction are no joke. It isn't fun or a game or just made up. It is real and is ruins marriages. How well if you are spending your free time on porn you aren't 
A) there emotionally for your wife.
b) able to get the same enjoyment out of your sex life with your Significant other.

Now if you strech this out over a long period of time is can lead the porn/sex addict to get frustrated within marriage. Since all of a sudden the marriage isn't giving him what his over dopamined brain thinks it does. Priorities like emotional fulfillment, and emotional stability become less important than sexual fulfillment, and emotion excitement.

Then like the OP they meet someone new or online and the flirting starts. Since the relationship is taboo it is a emotional excitement gold mine. Sneaking around playing secret agent and the idea of getting caught all scratch that itch the addict has. 

Which leads the addict to think he's happy now. Fast forward that over a long period of time. Then the EA has probably turned into a PA. Then what happens. The porn addicts wife catches on. That fantasy world of sexual fulfillment and emotional high's becomes a source of guilty, depression, and anxiety. Which can go two ways 
1 deeper porn addiction
2 recovery 

either way the addicts world is shattered. REality comes in like a military tank and drives right over him/her. He is suddenly faced with all of his bad decisions and choices.

Seriously to anyone who watched porn to get off. How good is that porn if you don't masturbate to it?? try it..... it isn't that good right.

Now start it over and do your thing...... Wow suddenly the nasty woman on the screen with surgery scars and Tripple G's becomes hot and a fake tan becomes hot. If you met that same woman on the street more than likely you wouldn't go near her with a ten foot poll. 

No offense meant to any woman with tripple GGG's and who fake tans.


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## IndieWifey (Sep 14, 2012)

BigBadWolf said:


> If there is not sexual attraction, there is resentment.
> 
> Find out why you are resenting your wife in your relationship, and fix it.
> 
> ...


THIS one thousand percent, there is a deeper seeded reason for these feelings, guilt, resentment, who knows, there is something there though nd you need to dig deep and be honest with yourself to sort this out!


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## scorpion31 (Sep 16, 2012)

don't pretend,
you're loosing your whatever it is for your wife because you are cheating on her with that online girl.
ok i get it, 
"no actions just talking" but all your attentions that suppose to be for your wife is now belong to that online girl.
so the problem is you, stop what you're doing online and focus to your wife!!!

just saying!


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am currently starting to lose interest in my wife as well. It began with her near nonexistent interest in sex. Always too tired, too stressed, too busy, too whatever. So, in response, I do all of the housework and run errands. I am constantly touching, kissing, and rubbing her. It is rarely ever sexual. I do it just because. However, when it comes time for the bedroom she gives me a rain check or wants a quickie. After so many rain checks, I have started to lose interest. I guess this should be ok because now when we go two weeks without it, I don't care either.


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