# Tech/Spy Questions



## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

Can someone recommend an actual voice-activated recorder? I bought a cheap digital voice recorder, but it's a pain in the ass to fast-forward through the times when he's not in the car. Plus if I set it to record in the morning, it will stop halfway through his drive home. Is there one that will only start recording when he talks?

Also.. is there any way of having something like a VAR at his work, but that will send me the recordings instead of me having to go in and pick it up? He works in the city and I don't ever visit him at work. He offered to install a keylogger on his computer (he's the head of IT, so I don't think he'd get 'found out' and in trouble), but we never actually did it because he has access to lots of other computers there, so it seemed pointless. So if I said I did want to do that, I'd go in with him (so I can set the password, so he can't turn it on and off at will), and I could conceivably plant something (again, not sure how I'd do that without him finding it at some point).

He's very tech savvy, and I know he could get around most ways of checking up on him if he wanted to. The most likely spot for him to be carrying on is at work, but I can't spy on him there without his help. If he knew there was a VAR, he could just go into another room to make a call. If he knew there was a keylogger, he could just use another computer. I have access to his phone, tablet, and cell phone records online, but he could have a pre-paid phone stashed at work. I just feel at a loss for how to reassure myself that he's not still cheating. 

All that said, I don't have a strong reason to suspect that he's still cheating. He swears he's maintained NC since October, and last night he got a text from the OW to his cell phone saying "Merry Xmas" - he showed it to me as soon as he saw it, and she's not still in his contacts because her name didn't pop up (we had to double check that it was actually her number, because neither of us were totally sure). I just feel like if I'm going to attempt reconciliation, I'm going to have to trust that he's being honest.. and I'd like to back that up with.. something.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Did you expose the OW? If not do so.

If she is married, her spouse can help you. Get your man a call only phone, and keep his for awhile. 

Beyond this, all I can suggest is getting some counseling to help you either trust, or decide the risk and the guessing isn't worth it and it's time to move on.

He cannot live as your prisoner. You have to decide whether or not you can live with not knowing, and trying to regain trust in him. 

None of us know. For every way we can cover our bases, and monitor them, they can find a way around it and violate their vows.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

VAR: http://www.amazon.com/Activated-Digital-Recorder-Dictaphone-Function/dp/B0064I15IS

For his office, you can do it if he takes something with him every day. Check your local laws since you will now be recording in a workplace. This goes for keyloggers as well. His IT security might catch a software keylogger. You can have him take a hardware keylogger to work and back each day.


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

The OW was his assistant (she no longer works there). It was one-sided, though.. which I confirmed through *all* of their IM logs and through talking to her - she viewed him as a 'safe' friend because he was 'happily married' - meanwhile, he was meeting his needs for non-kid-centered fun and socialization with her, rather than with me. He swears he never loved her, and for now we agree that the reason it was an affair was because he hid his friendship with her because he thought I'd forbid it. It was definitely that slippery slope that EAs go down, but he was much further down that slope than she was, if that makes sense. The other-OWs were prostitutes, so no real recourse there.

I don't know if he can do a call-only cell. He has a Droid and a tablet (Samsung Galaxy) that he uses for work and for entertainment on his commute (45 minute train ride, 20 minute walk). I'll talk to him about it, though.

For keyloggers.. he *is* the IT department (by default, he's the manager), so I don't think he'd get in trouble. The hardware keylogger.. so what, he'd bring it, plug it in, and then bring it home at the end of the day? I don't really know how that would show me anything.. he'd just unplug it if he wanted to send an email or something, or go to another computer. He brings a bag to work, but I imagine he'd likely find a VAR in there. It's worth thinking about, though.. that might be my best option.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, he'd have to do that with the hardware keylogger. I agree, it sounds lame.

Here's a site for other devices:
Buy Spy/Hidden Listening or Recording Devices Online


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can't do what you want. You'll never be able to be sure that he's not cheating. As you said, he can go to another room, use another computer, buy a throw away phone... There's so many ways for someone to bypass anything you can implement, especially if he knows you're doing it.

So your only options seem to be (to me) to work on learning to trust him, or get out. It seems like he's willing to bend over backwards to do whatever you ask of him to fix things, so this makes it your issue to start to trust him. Have you talked to anyone about that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look,

If he is going to cheat he will do so. As a tech savvy character, he wouldn't be stupid enough to do anything with a device he knew was "bugged". I think I would just let this go. It is pointless in my mind.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

> If he knew there was a VAR, he could just go into another room to make a call. If he knew there was a keylogger, he could just use another computer. I have access to his phone, tablet, and cell phone records online, but he could have a pre-paid phone stashed at work. I just feel at a loss for how to reassure myself that he's not still cheating.


That's the thing you can't!! I can't imagine needing what you are going through, but in the end you can't really know. It's to easy to hide if you know what you are doing.

All I can say is hopefully he txts you alot, call alot, and is home when he says he will be and is treating you the way he should.

No 3rd party system will verify a person is not having a affair way too many outlets to hide the activity unless they are a idiot!!


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

Wow, talk about conflicting advice. I tried searching here first for the info I was looking for, and saw tons of threads asking the question: why bother snooping, when if they're determined, they'll never be found out? And these poor people got nothing but snide remarks for burying their heads in the sand, for looking the other way, for allowing infidelity to happen. So I post the opposite, asking for help to *not* bury my head in the sand, and I get told that there's no point.

Funny stuff.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It happens here fairly often, I've noticed. You have to extract what works. Since no one is verbally speaking with you, it's hard to communicate effectively.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Deena, sent you a PM.........


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