# Damn social networking..what do I do about this?



## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

hi all, I'm really need some advice. This is the situation... My wife's computer blew up a couple weeks ago, so I set up an older one we had around as a replacement. She couldn't get her email working, so I was trying to get it up and running.
I sent a test email from my laptop to her email account and went to see if it went through to her email account. While I'm looking for the test message, I see messages from men wanting to meet her on some social network site called Tagged.com. The one I looked at thoroughly was some guy about 150 miles away looking to hook up with her.She had already told him that it wasn't far, and his reply was to hook up for a drink. (message was dated June 8 2012). Recently she has been out overnight 2 or 3 times with some of her older female friends from our church. Or so she says that's who it was. Also recently, she has added text messaging to our cellphone account. When I confronted her, she was defensive, saying that she always ignores and deletes those messages,that it's nothing, that being married is in her profile. I got angry, instead of thinking straight and left for a while. Came back cooled off,thinking "well ok, if there's nothing to hide, she will give me access to her Tagged account. Then she tells me that she deleted the account. So next I go to this site, and sign up to check out what goes on there. WHOAAA all kinds of flirting and hookups going on here. I've never had reason to distrust her in the past,but ya put these things together, and my gut alarms go off loud. Please tell me what you think.

Thanks


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> hi all, I'm really need some advice. This is the situation... My wife's computer blew up a couple weeks ago, so I set up an older one we had around as a replacement. She couldn't get her email working, so I was trying to get it up and running.
> I sent a test email from my laptop to her email account and went to see if it went through to her email account. While I'm looking for the test message, I see messages from men wanting to meet her on some social network site called Tagged.com. The one I looked at thoroughly was some guy about 150 miles away looking to hook up with her.She had already told him that it wasn't far, and his reply was to hook up for a drink. (message was dated June 8 2012). Recently she has been out overnight 2 or 3 times with some of her older female friends from our church. Or so she says that's who it was. Also recently, she has added text messaging to our cellphone account. When I confronted her, she was defensive, saying that she always ignores and deletes those messages,that it's nothing, that being married is in her profile. I got angry, instead of thinking straight and left for a while. Came back cooled off,thinking "well ok, if there's nothing to hide, she will give me access to her Tagged account. Then she tells me that she deleted the account. So next I go to this site, and sign up to check out what goes on there. WHOAAA all kinds of flirting and hookups going on here. I've never had reason to distrust her in the past,but ya put these things together, and my gut alarms go off loud. Please tell me what you think.
> 
> Thanks


Nothing about it sounds good. Do you know the older church friends she says she stayed overnight with? Can you verify with them discreetly?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

She deleted the account? How dare she. Now why would she do that if it was as irrelevant as she said?

Kick her out. Until shes ready to tell the truth she has no business being in your home. 

Shes cheated on you and after being confronted with evidence she erased it and wants to act like it never happened. 

You accept this you'll be a doormat for life and more affairs will happen, just more secretly.

When/if she admits to the affair, then you decide to kick her out a 2nd time or try to work on the marriage from within the marital home.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is as bad as the WWs that troll Craigs List.

She's cheating, big time. Install a keylogger like Web Watcher...now! Get a VAR in the car ASAP! And call that lady from church to verify her story. Just be aware, that just because they go to church doesn't mean they're not cheaters. One of the biggest cheaters reported in this forum is a sunday school teacher.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sadly my husband did a very similar thing and I DID kick him out. My story is in my signature if you care to read.

She is cheating on you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Never mind your gut,common sense should tell you what's going on.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like she is really close to a possible PA or it just might be in the ea status I would set your boundaries on this issue as well as transparency meaning you have all of her log ons and passwords, maybe set up a spyware type of thing on your home pcs or her cell phone and get some more info before preceding further and a var in her vehicle do not let her know you are doing these things also monitor you cell phone records and look for often called or recieved from numbers that you do not know who they belong too as well 

Good Luck


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would:
Disable the computer or password protect it
If you know her e-mail password, change it
Cancel your Internet service if necessary
After her temper tantrums stop, tell her you will consider restoring everything after she comes clean to your satisfaction.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Recently she has been out overnight 2 or 3 times with some of her older female friends from our church.


Wow! 

And here I was thinking sleepovers were just for kids?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> hi all, I'm really need some advice. This is the situation... My wife's computer blew up a couple weeks ago, so I set up an older one we had around as a replacement. She couldn't get her email working, so I was trying to get it up and running.
> I sent a test email from my laptop to her email account and went to see if it went through to her email account. While I'm looking for the test message, I see messages from men wanting to meet her on some social network site called Tagged.com. The one I looked at thoroughly was some guy about 150 miles away looking to hook up with her.She had already told him that it wasn't far, and his reply was to hook up for a drink. (message was dated June 8 2012). Recently she has been out overnight 2 or 3 times with some of her older female friends from our church. Or so she says that's who it was. Also recently, she has added text messaging to our cellphone account. When I confronted her, she was defensive, saying that she always ignores and deletes those messages,that it's nothing, that being married is in her profile. I got angry, instead of thinking straight and left for a while. Came back cooled off,thinking "well ok, if there's nothing to hide, she will give me access to her Tagged account. Then she tells me that she deleted the account. So next I go to this site, and sign up to check out what goes on there. WHOAAA all kinds of flirting and hookups going on here. I've never had reason to distrust her in the past,but ya put these things together, and my gut alarms go off loud. Please tell me what you think.
> 
> Thanks


Does not sound good. Why was she even on that site in the first place? To "ignore" messages? Uhm, yeah, okay....

If it was me, I'd lay back, act like things are normal, and go super spy mode on her lying butt. She has lied, so that in and of itself is justification to take it to another level and do some serious snooping.

Keylogger

Phone records (see if there's a number she's been texting a lot)

Check her phone if you can. She might be deleting messages, but often one will slip through or not get deleted.

Check credit card statements for charges to hotel rooms, etc.

VAR. In her car. Now. Or anywhere else she talks when you're not around.

When was her last "overnight"? If she has another, get a gps on the car that will tell you where it's at via the internet. And go to where she's at and see what she's up to on that "girls night".

There's a lot of "smoke" here. Find the fire.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tagged.com


> Meet new people, make new friends, and maybe even find love!


Hmmm. A perfect site for a church-going married woman.

How many of the church ladies are on Tagged.com?

Time to warn the pastor/priest, I think!


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Yeah, most of what you said has gone through my head already. I can probably verify with her friends at church, I know them too. I've always had access to her facebook account and email, and I've looked at the accounts, just never had a reason to be really snoopy and curious before this. She says she got the site from a female friend that we met together(she was our family photographer), but my wife knows her far better than I. I'll be checking credit records as soon as I finish this post. I don't think I'm going to screw around with much proof here,just enough to satisfy me. I don't think I need to... I'm pretty much her sole supporter..she gets some child support, and Social Security disability. We are pretty broke,no kids with me, only 1 from her ex husband, 9 years old. own no house,have not much money, drive 20 year old cars,etc. So, if I just walk out, I don't lose much. Also must do research into divorce litigation too, to see what she can take from me if I should just walk out. Thanks much, can ya think of anything else?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just looked at the site. Doesn't sound good at all. What phone does she have?

the church friend can easily lie for her.be wary


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop confronting her. If she is cheating then the last thing she is going to do is admit it to you.

Gotta say there are a lot of red flags here ESPECIALLY her responding to the guy, and her nights away.

My gut says she cheating. 

What is the reason for the nights away?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest not only do you want VARs in he car, and a key logger on the PC, but maybe you should sigh up for tagged yourself and see if you can find her on there,along with her other friends.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Maybe since she goes out with the old ladies in church they go to bingo or something.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> I would:
> Disable the computer or password protect it
> If you know her e-mail password, change it
> Cancel your Internet service if necessary
> After her temper tantrums stop, tell her you will consider restoring everything after she comes clean to your satisfaction.


This is excellent, low-tech advice you can do today. Go to your cellphone provider and get itemization on calls and texts--even if all you see is that "a text was sent"...if it is thousands of texts to one number, then you have your proof. 

On the other hand, if you are able to get into her computer, look at her history to see where she's been, look at her cookies, check through her email, check with the "overnight" church friends, and it's all adding up...then I would say you have your proof that nothing is going on. 

I don't mean this mean but I did a search for something like "npr whitehouse" once, and got a sex/porn page with a chat pop up that said "Hey let's cyber to give you something real to look at!" I was completely innocent but then again, my PC history, email etc. would prove it! LOL So it is within the realm of conceivably that she went to Tagged.com because some acquaintance she knew told her to go there... but having BTDT (been there done that) I'll just say that I'm skeptical and your response is completely reasonable. AND since she deleted her account that just makes her look more guilty!! Not cool!!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Overnights? That's an interesting concept. Much more comfortable than "girls night out". Times don't stop evolving.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well , something else just happened..I was going to our cell phone providers website to see how to get the call records after my last post, and she walks into my man cave where I am posting here and says she needs to go to the ER..no fake, left side body numbness,and chest tightness. I just arrived home from the hospital, they are keeping her overnight..they don't think it's serious, but want to do a bunch of tests to be safe. So guess who has her cellphone, and all night long to check out her email and facebook??


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> So guess who has her cellphone, and all night long to check out her email and facebook??


Make the most of it. Dig deep. (The first time I dug into FB I didn't dig deep enough).


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> Well , something else just happened..I was going to our cell phone providers website to see how to get the call records after my last post, and she walks into my man cave where I am posting here and says she needs to go to the ER..no fake, left side body numbness,and chest tightness. I just arrived home from the hospital, they are keeping her overnight..they don't think it's serious, but want to do a bunch of tests to be safe. So guess who has her cellphone, and all night long to check out her email and facebook??


Sounds like it could be her gallbladder....seriously it can mimic a heart attack. 
Anyways get to your digging and keep detailed records of what you discover if you get a lawyer it could help you out. There also has to be a way to get into the hard drive of the computer that blew up and see what is really on that thing too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Take pics of anything you can't just forward to yourself,


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> Well , something else just happened..I was going to our cell phone providers website to see how to get the call records after my last post, and she walks into my man cave where I am posting here and says she needs to go to the ER..no fake, left side body numbness,and chest tightness. I just arrived home from the hospital, they are keeping her overnight..they don't think it's serious, but want to do a bunch of tests to be safe. So guess who has her cellphone, and all night long to check out her email and facebook??


Can you hook up the phone to your computer and do a complete back-up? That way you should have everything that is stored on the phone.

Also look for secret email and FB accounts. I cringe when a spouses say "I know they are not in contact because I have all passwords." You have the passwords to the accounts that you KNOW about.

Good luck.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

She's scared as hell of what you will find. She was thinking its only a lil fun flirting, but now that you know.:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Not laughing at the situiation but her reaction.
Even so I hope it like the hospital says.

I think you caught this, but check where they stayed overnight.
Older ladies go to bed earlier.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Oh yeah, I forgot. If you do not use text messaging to communicate with her then cancel all text messaging capabilities on your account.

She is using this as a communication method with her hook ups.

While you have the phone do not forget to check all text message history.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well, been digging for about 2 hours,nothing on the text messaging on the phone. She must have dumped the texts,if any...only 5 on there and were all ads from stores we go to. However.... also called a few numbers on hers that didn't have names to go with them in the contact list...3 numbers...all men I don't know. Checked the cell phone records...found 2 more numbers...both men. Cell records also show 598 texts last billing cycle...wasn't texting me, that's for sure. Also right now have checked 12 social networking sites, and she has profiles on 6 of them. LOL she oughta not be using the same password for everything.As of right now, I am logged into and monitoring her facebook, twitter, mySpace , and linkedin accounts to see what happens. I've managed to connect one number with a name, and guess what? He's on linkedin.com. go figure. Also am currently monitoring her email account as well. Not too shabby for only 2 hours work. One of you mentioned to dig deep into Facebook...where should I look? I checked friends, messages, etc, but nothing bad so far. Also double thanks to you, Kurosity,I didn't even think of that. I got that blown up laptop right next to me on my workbench...I already checked it, and it's the motherboard fried, so I'll be pulling the hard drive tonight too, I think I can rig a connection to another computer. Never thought all that playing with old PC's could come in soo handy.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Is it an iphone? If so check the old PC itunes for backed up messages.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Man you have scared her so bad she almost had a stroke. I think you caught this before it got really nasty, and she is sh***ing bricks.
She knows you can mess around with pc's and it made made her heart stop.
Oh, see if there is any chat history in facebook.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> One of you mentioned to dig deep into Facebook...where should I look?


If you can log into her account then check private messages (also archived) and also if you have time check on suspicious friends in her list and go to to each friend's page - you should see a message button and to the right of that is a drop down. If you drop that down there is a "See Friendship" option that will let you drill down into all correspondence between your wife and that friend. This is how I found the paper trail of my wife and her EA OM (and later my wife bagging me to a specific friend).

Also if there are tools such as FBChat that can be used to check FB chat history.

Based on the text message count, social subscriptions and phone numbers you have found so far it doesn't look good I'm afraid.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> Also double thanks to you, Kurosity,I didn't even think of that. I got that blown up laptop right next to me on my workbench...I already checked it, and it's the motherboard fried, so I'll be pulling the hard drive tonight too, I think I can rig a connection to another computer.



Your welcome, even though the circumstances are not the best. 

I am not very great with the tech stuff but I know you can pull things off nearly any hard drive in nearly any shape. You could (I believe) pop that hard drive into a working computer, swap out the hard drives to see if you can get into it. If it becomes to hard you might consider holding on to it and seeking out a professional who can help pull information off.

Hide all your proof and do not let her know where it is. Make copies if you need to confront her but do not leave your self at a disadvantage.

Good luck with the rest of your digging. Just remember to take a break once in a while. The stuff can drive you crazy and digging can take over you life.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

oh yeah and because of personal experience check her pictures on everything. A picture is worth a thousand words. 

Google all her screen names form these sites. You may find there is a lot out there under her profile name or the email she used to set the accounts up.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

not an Iphone, thanks, anyways. LOL Oldwolf, she already knew that I have a pretty good working knowledge of computers, I've fixed hers often enough. I've never shown any real interest in social networking, or online chatting for it's own sake;all my online connections have to do with man stuff. lol so I figure she just never figured I would go looking, or that she would accidentally get busted out and give me a reason to go looking. Ya, she's scared, alright, I'm bring in about 85% of the little money we have. Without me paying the bills, she's seriously screwed.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

adamn this Facebook stuff is seriously warped. I don't mean sexual stuff,either, these people really play this dumb Farmville game all day?? I'd rather go fishin' geeeezzzz. Hmmmm what's this schoolFeed? better check this out too.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

thats why the almost stroke.
BUT, with CS and disability, plus alimony she might not be as bad off as you say.
I really think you caught this though, and scared the heck out of her.
By the way, what are your plans if no sex was involved ??
Or just cams and chat. BC right now you already know she was playing, just not how much.
See if you could find out if any om are close enough for a meet with her, while you was working.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

yeah they serious about that stuff.
I can't throw stone though. I play Frontline Commando on my phone ALL day !!


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

No cam on the PC she has now, the blown up one does..maybe something on the hard drive from that..we'll see.Still digging through the Facebook friend history, thank you,GotMeWondering..one task at a time, Thank the Lord I'm on vacation this week and have the time. She's got 1200 friends here, most women,but more than a few men. OldWolf..if I even think she's taken it physical in any way, it's over. Any kiss, any hug, any petting are direct stepping stones to sex, and with AIDS, she's playing selfish games with my life. Before AIDS, I used to think that you could reconcile after extramarital sex, but now it includes the possibility of a deadly infection with no cure, that changed my mind...I'll be getting tested anyways after I resolve this..who knows how long this has been going on? I sure don't as of yet. Well,I live in SE Wisconsin, the guy I busted her on is in Wisconsin Rapids..150 odd miles. The one I got a name with from the phone is in Chicago..100 miles. I work 10-14 hours a day. Plenty close enough. If no sex, I'm not sure yet. Have to find out all I can first, then decide.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> She's got 1200 friends here, most women,but more than a few men.


Wow! My wife had only about 80 friends so it was a lot easier for me to process; she now has a couple less than she did before.

An STD test cannot hurt for sure.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

hmmm this guy's friendship history is taking a longgg time to load ...must be a lot of stuff here. Why am I laughing at some of this? This hurts and it's screwing up my time off


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

LOL as long as I have access , maybe I should just unfriend or block everyone I don't know. would take awhile to do, lol also to undo


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

or delete the account for her? If we stay together, she'll be doing that anyway hmmmm Nope would destroy the evidence.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> LOL as long as I have access , maybe I should just unfriend or block everyone I don't know. would take awhile to do, lol also to undo


Don't mess with anything for now... you may not want to tip your hand that you have been looking.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

You could be right, GotMe, but my wife's not dumb, she'll figure out I'm doing this pretty quick. Not finding anything on Facebook so far...I'm starting to think that she was just using Tagged and maybe others for whatever she was doing. Keeping everything above board on Facebook itself. When I check that other HD tomorrow, I bet I'll find out more, she was using the busted PC for over a year. Probably free email accounts etc, that I don't know about yet. I'm going to tell her I just tossed out the broken PC.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> When I check that other HD tomorrow, I bet I'll find out more, she was using the busted PC for over a year.


In case you need to search for deleted files/pics etc.

Pandora Recovery - CNET Download.com


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Ok, I'm having a bit of translation issue lol, Anybody know what a puzzled heart is on Facebook? These people are weird, maybe I'm just too old to get some of this stuff. Thanks again, GotMe.. I'll try that one too, got about 4 file recovery progs on here, the more the merrier, one might recover something the others won't


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Puzzled heart - guessing probably some game? I don't really know since I am a Facebook newbie.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well, I'll figure it out,I intend to become a Facebook expert so I can warn others. Maybe something good can come from this. Ok, all you kind folks who have been here to help me all dang night... I just want to say I apppreciate your efforts to advise and help, also for your compassion and understanding. I will keep yaa posted on what happens next,and I will do my best to help and advise others here as you have done for me. I think it's about time to take that break GotNeWonderingNow suggested, aint slept in about 26 hours Good night and God bless ya


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Puzzled Hearts is a game on Facebook. Here's a youtube about how you play it just so you can get the idea: Puzzled Hearts the FaceBook app (How to play) BY TIMzPoet - YouTube


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

On thing Ive noticed on the forums beside the dangers og texting and social networks is the sleeping at friends overnight. Just about every account layef here is filled sole weekends and holidays without partners, staying out at friends overnight yet these friends are frequenlty with a taxi ride of the home. When someone accesses a DATING SITE then that is the PA being setup. The paln and the process is in place and for what its worth the cheating has started. When/if any partner, male or female is hiding a "frindship" from the other party its a breaking of trust. In this case the damgae (betrayal) has started and even if a meet up took place with no sexual contact the planning to stage is well underway.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

FishFast

Put a VARin her car and near the computer.

Once you go back to work you will know everything you need to know.

HM64


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Tagged.com
> 
> Hmmm. A perfect site for a church-going married woman.
> 
> ...


Well, I've said it before...going to church and calling yourself a Christian equates to some churchgoers as does standing in a garage, and calling yourself a car. Hypocrites.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

That's better with some sleep. all accomplished except old HD check. Keylogger installed,also created full Administrator account on her computer, and knocked her account back to standard user, so she can't do anything without my knowing about it  Also forces her to get my permission to delete anything. Even better, can hide the Full Administrator account ,so she doesn't even know it exists. hehehe Even goes one more step better..I can access the keylogger and the Administrative account from my laptop, no problem. If anyone wants to know how to create the Full privilege Administrator account on Vista..I think it works on Win 7 ,as well, let me know...it's really easy


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I'm having some serious mood swings here, vengful to sad, and happy and angry all over the place, this is a normal emotional reaction, I assume?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> I'm having some serious mood swings here, vengful to sad, and happy and angry all over the place, this is a normal emotional reaction, I assume?




Yes. Perfectly Normal. Try to focus mostly on yourself and doing things that make you proud of you. Your previous post about what you did with the computer - utterly brilliant! :smthumbup:

You will be fine.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

well, well, isn't this interesting..someone on Facebook is messaging her about "why ain't you here yet" At least he thinks it's her hehehe Help please, of course I will copy and save, but should I do anything else?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Tell them you got lost can you give directions?? That should narrow it down to where at least without giving away that its not her or you don't know where exactly to meet. Or say you have a flat tire at a place close to the house and can you come and help??


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> well, well, isn't this interesting..someone on Facebook is messaging her about "why ain't you here yet" At least he thinks it's her hehehe Help please, of course I will copy and save, but should I do anything else?


Yes, release the hounds and track her @ss down.

Is she starting the Labor Day party early somewhere?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

OOOps forgot to update..my wife is still in the hospital from yesterday's little adventure. Still getting tests. Please go back and check rest of thread for details. This craziness began for me Wed. night. The messager is a female friend that I don't know, so I'm just going to see what she says. have to split for sec, the stepson is calling me after I hear a crash in the kitchen BRB


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Whew, I'm getting jumpy. It's just online female friend she was supposed to play that goofy Farmville game with. Made excuse. LOL at least the kid didn't break anything


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Getting jumpy is VERY normal.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

hope your night is going well fish... under the circumstances atleast. I just wanted to mention that if her illness could be stress or anxiety related I believe it is quite common for cheaters to have such illnesses. My ex during her affair actually had a pretty bad rash of shingles (and I hope she spread it to whomever touched her). I actually saw pics she took (and some of which I presume made it to the OM) of her in naughty nurse costume with rash all over her sides and belly. The doctors said the outbreak was probably caused from stress, then of course I clued in after what the cause of the stress was (the stress of living in a world of constant deceiving those whom love you).


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Setup an account on OPENDNS.com it works with your router/modem and can block all that crap. It is also free. I have kids so stuff like pron, sex social networks are all blocked. You can custom it any way you want


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You can set a facebook account so that no one sees that you are online. You don't want friends asking your wife why she didn't respond to a chat request.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Good morning people,Happy Labor Day weekend


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Wife is back from hospital, they couldn't find anything wrong..My guess..a little stressful reaction to whatever is going on here. I have done a thorough search of all the social network pages I know about that she has an account with, surprisingly, nothing to see here,nothing that isn't innocent,nothing out of the ordinary from facebook monitoring. Wife claims nothing going on..she has given me total transparency..I have changed all social network passwords to new ones that only I have. The same with her email account. I have also completed phone records check..with 3 exceptions all the suspicious calls have been confirmed as innocent,having to do with a fender bender she had last month.Both insurance adjusters were kind enough to come here on their holiday weekend to show me their business call logs, once I told them of my suspicions. All the numbers and times match. So far so good. I also checked with her friend about overnights..She and her husband both confirm that wife was at their house with them both times. Things still to check... 
1. Independently confirm her friends assertion of being with her.
2.Check the 3 unexplained as of yet phone calls to men I don't know.There are 3 calls , only one time each, so this is probably innocent, but will still check it out. Phone records have been checked back a year.What a tedious job.
3.Check the texting..my cell company's online bill details only will let me see the number of texts, not what number they are going to..Anyone know how to find this out? Would it be on the paper bill, but not on the website's bill detail?
4.Check old computer's hard drive..I'll be getting the adapter I need on Tuesday.
5.Credit card statement checked..nothing to see here, all normal.
I am fully aware that she could have accounts I don't know about. Checking the old HD should help me to find this out.
The wife does not know I have the old HD.
The wife does not know about the keylogger or my full Admin account on her pc.
My current thoughts..So far,nothing appears to be going on,however..she still received that email,answered it, and dumped the Tagged account.STILL BIG RED FLAG.
My current plan.. Make like I am satisfied of her innocence,continue to monitor social networking,email,keylogger,phone calls, etc,and see what happens.
Can anyone think of anything else? Feedback, please.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like you are doing your due diligence, I would advise that just because you haven't found anything to not let your guard down, however I'd suggest that don't expend large amounts of energy thinking of ways to snoop because what you've covered has yielded all the info it will bear, just remain vigilant for your marriage... I still think it is insane how many social networking accounts your W is maintaining, so your work is cut out.

Most obvious giveaways from what I can tell from my own experience and reading hundreds of posts here are how she guards her cell phone (she may have a secret phone she hides somewhere - car, purse, in the house) recent changes to her lingerie collection she hasn't shown you, and I can't remember if you said you already had the VAR in her car (or wherever else you think she may seek privacy for conversations).

Good luck, and if you've investigated the heck out of something and it revealed nothing insidious then let it go and don't dwell on it, since you are doing your due diligence it is good to let go of fears along the way and begin rebuilding trust.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> hi all, I'm really need some advice. This is the situation... My wife's computer blew up a couple weeks ago, so I set up an older one we had around as a replacement. She couldn't get her email working, so I was trying to get it up and running.
> I sent a test email from my laptop to her email account and went to see if it went through to her email account. While I'm looking for the test message, I see messages from men wanting to meet her on some social network site called Tagged.com. The one I looked at thoroughly was some guy about 150 miles away looking to hook up with her.She had already told him that it wasn't far, and his reply was to hook up for a drink. (message was dated June 8 2012). Recently she has been out overnight 2 or 3 times with some of her older female friends from our church. Or so she says that's who it was. Also recently, she has added text messaging to our cellphone account. When I confronted her, she was defensive, saying that she always ignores and deletes those messages,that it's nothing, that being married is in her profile. I got angry, instead of thinking straight and left for a while. Came back cooled off,thinking "well ok, if there's nothing to hide, she will give me access to her Tagged account. Then she tells me that she deleted the account. So next I go to this site, and sign up to check out what goes on there. WHOAAA all kinds of flirting and hookups going on here. I've never had reason to distrust her in the past,but ya put these things together, and my gut alarms go off loud. Please tell me what you think.
> 
> Thanks


I know what happens when you find your wife's/GF's online flirting/Sexting accidentally - from own experience. Worst experience that resulted in very high BP, no appetite for several weeks, job in threat due to performance, and many similar issues.

Most probably you wont find anything in next couple of weeks, as she knows you are suspicious. Only thing you can be sure is try to undelete her deleted account (it is possible on some sites.) 

Some things might be possible:
1. search in her emails with proper keywords. You will mostly find something. I did find it.
2. If she uses yahoo. check conversations 
3. Check if she has any hidden accounts. I found this too.
4. This may not be the only site she has joined.

Sometimes we do not require evidence. Deleting account is sufficient proof. Someone from this forum has already said in some thread - deleted messages=sexting.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

thanks, Lon.,I certainly will not let my guard down. I ain't any near through checking everything yet.
Just to be clear..the events since wife's return from hospital aside from last post..Confrontation..protested innocence..than freely gave me complete transparency.Not agreed to under pressure, but freely given..her suggestion, not mine. Which means she is either innocent, or thinks she has destroyed all evidence and I won't find anything. I think that whatever is going on was only on the deleted Tagged account,and thanks again, Lon...maybe another cell phone I don't know about yet. I'll be monitoring the keylogger,and anxiously looking forward to seeing what's on that HD ARGHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T STAND THIS UNCERTAINTY!! IT IS THE WORST PART!!!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Only other thing I will advise is to not constantly show her your hand or else you are just training her to find better ways to deceive you (if that is her M.I. right now). Go about your relationship as normal, let her think your verifying is over or else you are just spinning your wheels (it's also why I suggested at some point you need to stop the secrecy as well, but not yet)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lon said:


> Only other thing I will advise is to not constantly show her your hand or else you are just training her to find better ways to deceive you (if that is her M.I. right now). Go about your relationship as normal, let her think your verifying is over or else you are just spinning your wheels (it's also why I suggested at some point you need to stop the secrecy as well, but not yet)


:iagree:

And use the time to reconnect and spend time with your wife.

Remember, innocent Neil proven guilty.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

fish, I am glad your wife's health is ok.

Do the VAR in her car and/or where she would make phone calls at home.

The important rules are to never reveal your sources, and to never confront until you have overwhelming evidence. So I agree with Lon that you should go forward as normally as you can in your relationship. Trust, verify. Try not to get paranoid.

There is no way to know what she has deleted or hidden. Which means you can't jump to any conclusions. You can have suspicions, but you really don't know. What you do know is that she has permanently obscured what happened.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I have another question, if someone could please give me an opinion..how much texting is normal? I don't use text messages, and my wife just had it put on the cell account, so I don't know what's out of the ordinary..the numbers from the phone bill are about 1300 messages in 2 months. Approximately 21 per day.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I average 2 per day with my wife. Though I prefer to talk rather than text.

But with 3 young daughters they just think texting is talking.

Thanks Verizon.......

Another way to rip parents off......


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> I have another question, if someone could please give me an opinion..how much texting is normal? I don't use text messages, and my wife just had it put on the cell account, so I don't know what's out of the ordinary..the numbers from the phone bill are about 1300 messages in 2 months. Approximately 21 per day.


How old are you? I think the younger you are the more normal texting becomes. My wife and I are late 30's and before her EA I was texting about 1 or 2 times per month. Her once or twice a day at the most. Now we text a little more, but to each other. If my wife was sending 650 messages a month to someone I would be EXTREMELY concerned, but you need to assess that figure in relative terms with what you know about your wife.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Age totally matters for texting.

Anyhow..........I think disabling internet and cell phones is your best bet for seeing the demon (how deep she is into her secret second life).


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

lol I'm 48,wife is 41..old school,I guess. I never saw the need for texting when ya can just call someone. I think you guys are right about the age thing. People my age don't see the need. Wife never did till recently, as I posted before. I know she does some texting with her 23 year old son, and with a couple of neighbors.Seems very excessive for that,though..I have to find out if the texts all go to one number,I can't do that by checking the online bill..it only shows number of messages. Must call cell provider after the holiday and find out. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR why in the heck don't I just get smart and simply dump the broad? It's getting pretty obvious I'm going uncover something if I keep at this.I'm also going to go nuts pretty soon,I have to go back to work on Tuesday,how in the heck am I going to function????


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

Maybe it's just me. But what are you going to do if you don't find anything? You have already decided that she is guilty. If you keep walking down this road like a vigilante, you are going to destroy your marriage, regardless of what she may or may not have done.

Talk to her. Ask to talk to her with the pastor. See where you get with that?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Accidently drop her cell phone in a cup of coffee......asap.

Oops!


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Fish fast, who is ur cell phone provider? Usually most of them allow you to see your current minutes used, data, and text msg's with about a day of lag time while their system updates. I had Verizon and was able to check up on my husband, and can do it now with AT&T.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Most spouses make a mistake and ask straight out "are you cheating?" expecting them to say "yes, SURPRISE!"

You make them realize you are onto them, they cover tracks, seek new routes. You have to be a step ahead.

Let me look at this as an outsider.

1) dating sites/hookup sites
2) over night with alibi
3) 1300 messages
4) thousands of FB friends, farmville? Ridiculous



Keep an eye open, keep playing james bond, act normal, where there is smoke there is fire.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

hi and good morning,well kind of good anyways. Thanks for the replies.I'll answer each one as 1 post.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

myhope,I've thought of most of what you said here,but it's not that I'm suspicious and looking...I caught her setting up a meet in her email. Busted.She has given me complete transparency AFTER she deleted the social network site,and deleted all texts from her phone. In order to go forward and repair marriage, she must admit to what she been doing, but she will not. Read threads first post to see what started this.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

KGF,lol who is Kathy Griffin? My cell provider is US Cellular...when I check the bill online,it will show me number of messages sent,will show minutes used,but there is no way to tell what phone number the texts are being sent to.Any texting going on is being sent by the wife,as I don't use text messaging at all.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

CleanJerk,I think you are correct,I made that mistake.Should have kept my cool and started checking things out quietly.However last night I learned that I'm apparently not going to get transparency,either. While checking phone bill last night I found she had received 1 picture text message,which she denied having received while looking directly at the phone bill on the PC.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

LOL,ChattyCathy,At this point,I would like nothing better than drop every computer and cell phone on the planet into the Marianas Trench


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fish fast

Did you speak to her church friends that she did the overnights with?

Have you gotten back into her email account?

Have you verified her Tagged account is really closed?

I know money is right but if you really want to keep an eye on her while at work get a gps tracking device and throw it in her car.

I think you will know pretty soon.

Did she ever say why her 1st marriage did not work out by the way?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

happyman..I talked to friend and her husband..both say my wife was at their home. I've been monitoring her email,Tagged account is deleted.This doesn't mean she doesn't have others,obviously. LOL without going into detail,I know her ex pretty well, and it's obvious why she divorced him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have access to her phone? There are spyware apps which will capture texts and/or do a keylog type of function.

If your carrier is Sprint you probably won't have much luck getting info from them. They completely stonewalled me when my underage daughter was being stalked! The phone and account are in my name, too. They wanted a court order before giving me anything.

The change in texting patterns is to me as big an indicator as the sheer volume. I am a bit older than you, and my wife and I do about 20 texts per month, pretty much exclusively within the family. The college age daughters used to do hundreds to thousands per month in high school, now just hundreds. Our teen son does a few dozen per month.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I have been thinking a lot about what to do,obviously. I have finally come to a decision here. I am going to do a 180. I will tell her she has 1 week to tell the whole truth.I will also tell her that if she does not, then I will leave.I will spend that week making preparations to do so. I have spent the last 4 days on this, and I can tell you for sure that I can't keep this up and still function on my job. I drive for a living, and my attention MUST be on the road. I will let ya know what happens.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you considered requiring her to do a polygraph?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

No, I never considered a polygraph,I don't see the need to do so when she is obviously lying.Also there is the fact that she is not willing to admit to anything. As I have read in many places here on this forum, the first thing that must happen is for the cheater to come clean.If she will not,then this marriage is over. Something else to consider here too...if it requires constant checking and snooping to maintain fidelity,which is obviously a basic of marriage,is this really a marriage?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> LOL,ChattyCathy,At this point,I would like nothing better than drop every computer and cell phone on the planet into the Marianas Trench


Then, be brave and just do it.

It sounds outrageous but it is realistic.:smthumbup: 
You don't even have to be angry while doing it. Matter of factly and with a smile and 'oops' when she asks why.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey fishfast~

This is truly a "What if" but if you are both in your 40's and from what you've always known of your wife, she's a pretty straight-laced, honest lady...what if she was on that Tagged.com site because some girl friend of hers said "Hey try this out!" and your wife is kind of naive? 

In your first post you wrote:


> While I'm looking for the test message, I see messages from men wanting to meet her on some social network site called Tagged.com. The one I looked at thoroughly was some guy about 150 miles away looking to hook up with her.She had already told him that it wasn't far, and his reply was to hook up for a drink. (message was dated June 8 2012).


That means some guys on that site were contacting HER and wanting to meet HER...not her trying to hook up with someone. Shoot I don't mean this mean, but men from HERE AT TAM periodically try to hook up with me! And I'm not "advertising"  trust me! They just give it a try and go away when I turn 'em down flat. 

So some dude she's never heard of says "Hey I'd like to get to know you better. Where do you live?" and she says "Chicago, where are you?" (or wherever you live) and he says "I'm in Milwaukee" and she says "Oh that's not too far away" (because it isn't!). Nowhere in there does it indicate that she knows the guy, or is interested, or is pursuing the guy...nothing. About the WORST you could say is that when he said "Hey I'd like to get to know you better, where do you live?" she should have said "I'm sorry I'm married and don't speak with men other than my husband. Bye!" 

I guess what I'm saying is this. You've spent FOUR DAYS researching and investigating your wife and haven't found anything. She'd have to be a mastermind to have covered all that up right before leaving the house to go to the hospital! So "what if" she really was more like naive and had extremely poor boundaries, but she's innocent? I mean it...INNOCENT?? 

Can you prove when you stopped beating your wife? Why not? So does that mean you are still beating her? Why are you beating your wife? If I ask you like that, there's not really a way for you to "prove" your innocence because you never ever did beat your wife! Doesn't it seem "within the realm of possibility" that you are asking her that kind of question? She has to prove when she stopped her affair...but what if she can't prove when it stopped because there never was one and now she's going to lose her marriage because she can't prove when she stopped an affair that never started! 

My point here is this. After four days of fairly intense investigation and snooping according to your own writing, you have found nothing. What if there really is nothing? What if the issue here was very poor boundaries on her part (not you telling her "what to do" but her setting her own limits on herself) and now you two see there is some danger and address it as a couple? I see you telling her "You have one week to tell me the truth" and what if the truth really is that there was nothing? Have you even given that a thought? What does she do then? 

I'm just asking so you'll think about it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> That means some guys on that site were contacting HER and wanting to meet HER...not her trying to hook up with someone. Shoot I don't mean this mean, but men from HERE AT TAM periodically try to hook up with me! And I'm not "advertising"  trust me! They just give it a try and go away when I turn 'em down flat.
> 
> .


Sorry, but if I were not interested in hooking up, I would not even respond. 

I've been accused of "leading people on" so much that I turn off quickly when faced with a predatory person. I would like for my partner to do the same.

So....there would be no discussio as to how 150 miles is not that far. I would simply not respond to the cyber message.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Hi All,I'm still alive and functioning the best I can.Thanks again for your help and advice. The last 2 posts also raise some very valid points,thanks.Epecially yours, Affaircare. I have to head out for work, I will update on the 180 and what is going on when I get home tonight.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ No affairs doesn't raise a good point to be honest. Usually advice is on point but my words are pretty much the same as NTA's 

Doesn't matter whether you're sending the messages or receiving, if you're replying and messaging then its the same damn thing. She wasn't drawn into it, she went there and tested the waters. Could've been shut down easily, but she didn't do it, remember that.

I highly doubt shes innocent. The lengths WSs will go to keep the affair secret can be astonishing at times.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kasler, I agree with your conclusion that she is likely not innocent. But I also agree with AffairCare from the standpoint that the evidence, at least from across the screen, is not airtight by itself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Thor said:


> Kasler, I agree with your conclusion that she is likely not innocent. But I also agree with AffairCare from the standpoint that the evidence, at least from across the screen, is not airtight by itself.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ No affairs doesn't raise a good point to be honest. Usually advice is on point but my words are pretty much the same as NTA's
> 
> Doesn't matter whether you're sending the messages or receiving, if you're replying and messaging then its the same damn thing. She wasn't drawn into it, she went there and tested the waters. Could've been shut down easily, but she didn't do it, remember that.
> 
> I highly doubt shes innocent. The lengths WSs will go to keep the affair secret can be astonishing at times.


True, or it could have been nipped in the bud.

When OP gets that original hard drive going the data on it should give him a fair idea one way or the other.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Famous last words -" Im only looking at the pictures and what people are saying on facebook honest dear............."

20% of divorces are now as a result of a social network site FB specifically

Having made the above statement the partner will within weeks seek to ask for a friendship with a person of the opposite sex, who is not known by their partner and not mention that they have done so and then strive to "forget" to tell the partner who this is and what if any relationship there is. They will endevour to speak to these "friends in a manner that is normally only for the ears of the significant other.

Of those who do this a massive 80% of innocent partners who stumble upon a behavior change, observe suspicious use of a laptop, ipad or workstation or Net enabled cell phone suffer significant anxiety, sleep loss, feelings similar to those of Bereavement and eventually depression because of these actions by the only person their world they put their trust in unreservedly

prognosis - text devices, social network sites and chatrooms should be damn well nuked......

Just my humble opinion as I sit here with a busted leg........


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Hello all, I'm sorry I haven't updated ya in a while, but the wife was checking out my posts here, so I had to go underground. I'm going to post up what has happened since, beginning with the hard drive. Believe it or not, I could find nothing on the HD. However,I went to my cell phone provider and got hard copies of the phone bills for June and July...these were the months with huge amounts of texting and double her normal number of phone calls. What I found was verrry interesting indeed. Of the 598 texts sent, about 85 percent went to one phone number.. the people at the phone provider were also kind enuff to give me a partial printout with some of the 58 picture messages shown incoming and outgoing. From these records,I was able to determine that she had been in continuous, literally continuous, contact with this jerk for six weeks.Literally morning , noon , and night, with more than a few 2 hour phone calls mixed in while I was asleep. Mind you, thats only outgoing...the cell provider could only show me the numbers called, not the incoming texts or calls. Her excuse? Bet you've heard this one before..His father was sick, and she was helping a friend out. Did I also mention that when I asked her about the huge number of texts, she left out that it was some other guy..said they were all going to her sister and her friends. I've obviously only scratched the surface here on her online boyfriends...ooops forgot to mention that a quite a few of these pic messages and texts went to ANOTHER guys phone number. If we couple these proven facts with the email message I saw, and her lies, I think we have a done deal here. But I will always wonder for the rest of my life about just how much she has successfully hidden. The STD test came back negative, by the way, thank the Lord.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So what are you doing?

Have you exposed her cheating?
Have you exposed the OM to their wives or gf?

Have you put her out for cheating?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

A little more info..I believe I mentioned before that I pay most of the bills, and am the main breadwinner. For some reason, I really, really enjoyed letting her beg me not to leave her. Also she still will not admit the obvious...still sticking to her tale about the sick father. Anybody here think I oughta not divorce her?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

yep ,Shaggy, I confronted her with the phone bills. Not much I can do about the OM ...this appears to be multiple online/phone affairs. The main guy lives 350 miles away, the other guy about 200 miles. I called them both, and told 'em the jig was up. The guy with the sick father told me the same BS she did, the other guy wouldn't talk to me, and called her a bunch of times right after I called him...trying to warn her she was busted, no doubt.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

What I am doing is this... I have given her about 3 weeks as of now to fess up everything... but she won't as of right now. a full 180 has been going on in the house, as I can't afford to walk out. I have cut off her phone and the internet. LOL she went and got a tracfone last week...from the moaning and temper tantrum, ya would have thought I had forbidden her to eat. LOLOL Anyhow, if she doesn't tell all by next week, I'll be filing for divorce. The papers are all set with my lawyer and all I need to do is to call him to set things in motion. The reason for the delay is that I have to have a clear conscience about giving her full opportunity to tell the truth..it's important to me to do that. As far as exposing the affair(s), I will wait until I file,then I will tell everyone we know and make the phone records available to all...heck, I may even start a website about it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Anybody here think I oughta not divorce her?


Sorry it played out like this.

Reconciliation requires rebuilding of trust. Multiple affairs and no admission when busted doesn't help.

I guess the sick father thing may be true but even if it is there are at least two OMs.

Take precautions to protect your asset base in the event of divorce, since she knows it's probably coming.

If there is any chance of reconciling why would you let her have a phone you have no access to?

If there is no chance of reconciling, why would you give her time to fess up?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

After the incredibly crazy and painful emotional roller coaster I've been on,it feels great to have actually been able to find out enuff and to do something about it


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> A little more info..I believe I mentioned before that I pay most of the bills, and am the main breadwinner. For some reason, I really, really enjoyed letting her beg me not to leave her. Also she still will not admit the obvious...still sticking to her tale about the sick father. Anybody here think I oughta not divorce her?



Looks like a serial cheater and multiple OM. And you will never get the truth out of her.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Almost forgot this [email protected] Affaircare... The points you raised were valid to me, but you didn't see the exact wording of the email...I'll give it to ya now, and then tell me what you think. It's accurate, don't worry, It'll be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. 
Man.. "how about Wisconsin Rapids?"
Wife.. "I think that's only about 3 hours from here, I live on the NW side of Milwaukee, so it's even a little closer"
Man.."Let's meet there for that drink"
The above is from an email notification from Tagged.com to my wife of a new message to her from this guy. I made my own account on Tagged to figure out what this was all about..was part of an ongoing conversation between them. The context and phrasing are quite obviously part of an ongoing discussion of where to meet. I found this guys profile on Tagged, and Wisconsin Rapids is almost exactly half way between his residence and mine. Anybody disagree with my conclusion?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> What I am doing is this... I have given her about 3 weeks as of now to fess up everything... but she won't as of right now. a full 180 has been going on in the house, as I can't afford to walk out. I have cut off her phone and the internet. LOL she went and got a tracfone last week...from the moaning and temper tantrum, ya would have thought I had forbidden her to eat. LOLOL Anyhow, if she doesn't tell all by next week, I'll be filing for divorce. The papers are all set with my lawyer and all I need to do is to call him to set things in motion. The reason for the delay is that I have to have a clear conscience about giving her full opportunity to tell the truth..it's important to me to do that. As far as exposing the affair(s), I will wait until I file,then I will tell everyone we know and make the phone records available to all...heck, I may even start a website about it.



Does she have an incentive to come clean ? (she might be thinking that he will divorce me anyway. Why tell him stuff ?) Give her a bait.

Does she know all the evidence you have ?


Also expect her to give you a little trickle truth to put you off the trail of divorce(We sexted, sent pics, kissed once blah blah )


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fishfast41 said:


> Almost forgot this [email protected] Affaircare... The points you raised were valid to me, but you didn't see the exact wording of the email...I'll give it to ya now, and then tell me what you think. It's accurate, don't worry, It'll be burned into my brain for the rest of my life.
> Man.. "how about Wisconsin Rapids?"
> Wife.. "I think that's only about 3 hours from here, I live on the NW side of Milwaukee, so it's even a little closer"
> Man.."Let's meet there for that drink"
> The above is from an email notification from Tagged.com to my wife of a new message to her from this guy. I made my own account on Tagged to figure out what this was all about..was part of an ongoing conversation between them. The context and phrasing are quite obviously part of an ongoing discussion of where to meet. I found this guys profile on Tagged, and Wisconsin Rapids is almost exactly half way between his residence and mine. Anybody disagree with my conclusion?


Not me


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

one more thing..I have this guys full name and his profession and city of residence. I could post it somewhere, or should I not do that?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> one more thing..I have this guys full name and his profession and city of residence. I could post it somewhere, or should I not do that?


Is he married?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

The only incentive she has to tell the truth is will I not dump her if she does tell. She knows that I know what I know. She's been already trickle truthing me since I busted her. I'm also thinking of doing something purely evil just for revenge's sake. What if I pretended to reconcile and just drop it, spend the next 6-9 months saving and preparing. Then, when she's all nice and comfy, drop divorce papers in her lap on our anniversary, or maybe on DDay?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

his profile says single, but who knows? The funny thing is..this aint the guy she was texting and calling like crazy. As I said, I'm sure I've only seeing the tip of the iceberg here.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> The only incentive she has to tell the truth is will I not dump her if she does tell. She knows that I know what I know. She's been already trickle truthing me since I busted her. I'm also thinking of doing something purely evil just for revenge's sake. What if I pretended to reconcile and just drop it, spend the next 6-9 months saving and preparing. Then, when she's all nice and comfy, drop divorce papers in her lap on our anniversary, or maybe on DDay?


Reconcile or end it and move on. Don't destroy yourself as well as her with a protracted act of vindictive pettiness.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have his name and address look him up on the Internet at places like pipl.com spokeo.

See if he's got a wife. Try looking up his residence in tax records or public lands sales and see if there is a Woman on the deed.

Then reach out and share your story with her,

Oh, you can also post him on cheaterville.com


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Start a fire!


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Wazza, I hate to admit it, but you are right, can't drop to her level. As to the tracfone...not my choice, she does have social security disability, so I can't stop her from having the phone..If she comes clean, reconciliation is a possibility, although I doubt it will happen. I just wouldn't feel right about my handling of this mess if I didn't give her every opportunity to admit it. I have to keep respect for me.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Its horrible to realize that your blissful relationship is now dismal and questionable to who knows how far back in time.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

dang , there's been so much happening that I forgot this detail, as well.. I busted her out on Aug 29. Another weird thing here is that looking at the phone records, the immense amount of texts and calls drops to a normal level by the end of July...throughout Aug and Sept all is normal..no weird phone numbers..no texts to people I don't know. Computer is clean as well. Maybe she realized she was screwing up big time and stopped on her own? I know that doesn't change the stuff I've found. Any thoughts?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

heck, CJS, I bet I'm not the only guy who thought his marriage was good. Odd things began to happen about a year ago, so I'm sure it's been going on that long ,at least.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Wazza, I hate to admit it, but you are right, can't drop to her level. As to the tracfone...not my choice, she does have social security disability, so I can't stop her from having the phone..If she comes clean, reconciliation is a possibility, although I doubt it will happen. I just wouldn't feel right about my handling of this mess if I didn't give her every opportunity to admit it. I have to keep respect for me.


Fishfast41, sorry about previous brief responses..something a bit longer is warranted.

So you can judge my answers, my wife had an affair many years ago. We reconciled and are still together. I am for reconciliation where possible. Gotta tell you though, it hurts. And trust never fully returns.

Re doing the right thing....totally agree. You have to live with yourself.

What I sugest you do is go through your thread again, and marry it all up against what you know now. Is there any way she could possibly be telling the truth that nothing happened? Could it be that you caught it early? Obviously from your response to AffairCare today you are already thinking along those lines.

Now, the danger is.....she has almost certainly lied from fear and embarrassment, even if nothing has happened yet. And the OM who tried to ring her when caught suggests there is at least some room for guilt. Of course....it could be just wanting to create an alibi with her in case you go to his wife. That still suggests the preliminaries of something to feel guilty about. 

So what you are doing in the three weeks is fine. The question she has to answer is not just what happened, but why should you ever trust her again. She has to earn your trust. And you have to decide which lies can be forgotten and which are a hanging offence.

How does rebuilding trust sit with the tracphone? She is busted using phones and the web to meet other men and her first reaction when caught is to make sure she has a phone? Huh?????? I would be making it clear that NO discussion, not one word, will be entered into until that phone is handed over and she gives her word not to get another one.

Finally, tell her nothing more about what you know, or how you know it, and do not post details here, where she might read them. Gather as much information as you can, tell her none of it, and you will have some means to evaluate the truth of her story.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> dang , there's been so much happening that I forgot this detail, as well.. I busted her out on Aug 29. Another weird thing here is that looking at the phone records, the immense amount of texts and calls drops to a normal level by the end of July...throughout Aug and Sept all is normal..no weird phone numbers..no texts to people I don't know. Computer is clean as well. Maybe she realized she was screwing up big time and stopped on her own? I know that doesn't change the stuff I've found. Any thoughts?


Possible, and if so it would make a big difference to me. It would suggest she realised her mistake.

Don't tell her but see if she confesses. Maybe ask general questions like "How long did it go on and did you try to stop?" But not "Well I have your phone records and...." IE don't help her to line up her story to the evidence she knows you have.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I gave my h 4 years to come clean. He did not. He got his plan together, broke up our family, took the kids (I was too depressed, poor, and overmedicated for depression, to fight him,) is buying back the same house we lost in short sale. Please don't let her rape you like that. If I had it to do again, I would collect evidence, get my d papers done, and then expose to everyone what he is. My ex had minimal repercussions for his actions, and I have myself and my foolish trust of a man who had clearly proven he wasn't trustworthy, to blame. I have regrets. You do it right. I don't know where u are, but in VA, if you sit on an infidelity complaint for a year, the court sees it as condoning the relationship, and it does not count for you in court. Be wiser than me. Protect yourself. Godspeed.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Wazza, I thank you for your clearheaded advice. I think your suggestion is right on target, and I will do exactly that. Your assertion that what is important is why I should trust her again, as well as what exactly happened also sounds right to me. It's really hard to think clearly with this sort of thing going on, and other people's input really helps.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They may have switched to something like skype or another app that lets your message/talk/chat but over the data plan and not the text/phone.

Did her data plan usage jump up?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> They may have switched to something like skype or another app that lets your message/talk/chat but over the data plan and not the text/phone.
> 
> Did her data plan usage jump up?


Haven't used Skype on a phone. If using it to make calls you would see a jump in data,but not if they were using it for IM, I would think.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Wazza, I thank you for your clearheaded advice. I think your suggestion is right on target, and I will do exactly that. Your assertion that what is important is why I should trust her again, as well as what exactly happened also sounds right to me. It's really hard to think clearly with this sort of thing going on, and other people's input really helps.


Been there. It hurts like hell....but you get through it.

I used to leave the house when I couldn't take it any more and go for long walks. 

And if you feel like crying....let it out.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Any updates ?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Hello again folks, I'm sorry for not updating sooner, I was waiting on the situation here to stabilize some. Been pretty crazy the past 10 weeks, so I've only been able to hop on to this site occasionally.I'll be back later to type out the complete update.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well here we go.. Things were quiet for a while..I've been watching closely, and she's been accepting of all of it..Complete transparency of everything. The wife wanted to go to MC, so we applied for the free program at our church. On Oct 26, before we start the counseling, I'm looking at the Facebook account which I have complete control over, and which she hasn't touched in quite a while, I find a message from a local guy asking her if she's still on Facebook, where's she been for the past 6 weeks? Complete with picture of his penis. I messaged this jerk back telling him he's busted and so is she. He unfriends and disappears fast. S'ok, though ,I got his address and phone number in case I need it. I confront her, and she says she knows nothing about it, never saw the pic. Right, never saw THAT pic, how many others sent? I ask who this POS is. She says just someone who plays one of the FB games. I forget which one, unless it's called Send Sexually Explicit Photos To Other Men's Wives. Must a new one. Any how, I finally lose my temper completely at this obvious lie and make a huge mistake. I smacked her open handed across the bottoms of her feet through the blankets while she's laying in bed lying to me about this. Wife calls cops. Then she comes apart completely upon discovering I will be arrested.What did she think they were going to do? Give me a little gold star? Anyways, she collapses completely emotionally.Crying and blubbering uncontrollably. Even better is that the cop tells her she needs to straighten act out.Gives the cops the credit card to immediately post bail with. When the summons arrives, I find I they will drop the charges if I take their domestic abuse classes, so of course I'm going to do this. The wife writes the district attorney saying that I shouldnt be charged, what I did was completely understandable,etc. Backs me up completely. She also blows off the womens help organizations that start sending her stuff in the mail. Also blows off the state's crime victims advocate center...says this is no way a crime to her and she doesn't need or want their help. WOW. So we go to MC, and the first thing the counselors do is have me write down what I think she did, and she writes down what she actually did.Wife admits to 2 incidences of cybersex, and nothing else. Counselors also tell her that all the texting and phone calls also constitute betrayal...but they seem to believe her BS tale of "helping a friend". WTF? She also states that the reason behind all this is me not paying attention to her, and feeling neglected. I have to admit that this is indeed true, I have made mistakes there, but still no excuse for cheating. These counselors attitude is good, and they are helping a lot, but they also seem to think that I should put the questions that I need answered away and forget them. So there we sit. I am 100% satisfied that the cheating has been over since DDay., I have complete transparency.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Any comments welcome.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Any comments welcome.


Odds are you still don't have the full story but, unfortunately, given all that's happened, you may never get it.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

She'll either tell me what I want to know or lose me..I made that quite clear, and although I'm willing to give her more time,because she is acting properly in all other ways,my patience will run out eventually.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

You made that quite clear what, like 3 months ago? And she hasn't done it. How long are you willing to drag this out? You need a set timeline or you will find yourself a year from now still harping on it because you never got the truth out of her.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Although I don't condone hitting women, she called the cops on you for smacking the bottom of her feet that were under a blanket? Seriously?

She is obviously still lying and messing with your head. You are torturing yourself through all of this. If she was just "helping a friend" why was it NEVER discussed with you? If she felt that it was an appropriate relationship I am sure she would have let you know about it.

I think that you need to move on.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Speed said:


> Although I don't condone hitting women, *she called the cops on you for smacking the bottom of her feet that were under a blanket? Seriously?*
> 
> She is obviously still lying and messing with your head. You are torturing yourself through all of this. If she was just "helping a friend" why was it NEVER discussed with you? If she felt that it was an appropriate relationship I am sure she would have let you know about it.
> 
> I think that you need to move on.


:iagree:


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Refresh my memory. How do you know she hasn't told the whole truth yet?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your wife told you something you know not to be true in regards to her cheating, you should start the process of divorce and don't look back until she gets involved 100% in the repair of her marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sorry - I forget if polygraph was mentioned?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Wife calls cops. Then she comes apart completely upon discovering I will be arrested.What did she think they were going to do?


She knew exactly what they would do, and it worked perfectly.

See how it diverted attention completely from her affair, punished you for calling her on the lies, and put you in the position of absolute dependence upon her? 

Oh golly, we're supposed to believe she had _no idea _ you would be arrested. This is calling you an idiot. _Of course _ she puts on the big act of remorse about calling the cops. 

She followed a VERY old script, and now she has a police report of domestic violence to build upon. It's a weapon she won't hesitate to use as both an implied threat and one she will deploy if she needs to in getting what she wants.

You don't give them more time to tell the truth. All that does is give them the opportunity to prepare better for defeating your purpose. See how it already got you in jail? Boy, that worked great, didn't it? Hey, how about 90 days next time. Losing your job, having that criminal record forever. You'll really have her where you want her then, eh?

Yes and just imagine the next woman you want to meet. She's got everything you want. Sexy, slim, beautiful, great job, giving woman. So the day comes when you have to tell her about the 90 days for domestic violence. You'll explain how your wife was in your face - pushing, pushing, pushing, and all you did was push her away from you to get some space. But she lost her balance and hit her arm on the dresser drawer which gave a bruise that the cops got a picture of. Slam dunk for the district attorney. So this beautiful woman listens to everything you have to say and she's got plenty enough experience to know that's the story all abusive men tell. So she leaves you and you are left with the truck stop Franken***** for company.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well I'd like to thank everyone again for all the help and advice. Don't think I would have made it through this as well as I have without this site. A week after my last post, I filed for divorce. She's spent the time since then frantically trying to change my mind, but still won't tell the complete truth. I'm done with her.I hate to admit this,but I'm rather enjoying her discomfiture.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey FF

I do not blame you. You clearly stated if she did not tell you all the truth you would divorce her.

No surprise.

Sadly, the truth just might be more than just cybersex.

Stay strong. Do not settle and good luck.

Thanks for the update.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Yeah, I did give her every chance to come completely clean. It's been slightly more than 6 months since I busted her out. Plenty of time. At least my conscience is clear. I did everything I could think of to save the marriage. From the stuff I found, I'm damn sure it was more than just cybersex. if anyone is interested, I'll kick out the details of the last 60 days or so. Maybe it will help someone else.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Please do. There are learning opportunities in every story


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

150 miles is an awfully long way for a "drink." I always spend overnights with church ladies I know NOT!


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

FF......... Well done for staying true and strong. I think we'll all agree it really does take guts to stick with it. The fact that despite the warning of and delivery of divorce papers she will not come clean with all the truct tells you that the decison you made is by far the ONLY one you caould make and its her that has actually fored you in to this. You will need to stay as strong as you appear here as there will be times when you will think about the "what if" and "should I". 

Good luck fella


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well, first off, I'll say that the legal issues I caused myself will turn out ok. The DA will drop charges when I finish their damn DV course. I also found out something else interesting. Adultery is a Class One felony here in Wisconsin. Obviously, it's not prosecuted hardly ever, but still on the books. You should have seen the STBX's face when I showed her a copy of the statute. lololol I also did something else just to make me feel better and get a little payback as well. I contacted each of the OM and told them that I had tested positive for HIV due to my wife's cheating and informed them of the Wisc. statute against adultery.lololol When I looked at her phone a couple days after I did that,I found that each of these yahoos had been trying desperately to reach her. So now I know for sure there was sex, as I don't believe they would be calling her over that unless they figured there was something to worry about.lol Also saw that she had answered none of their calls or texts. I hope that at least they wind up having to spend the money and explain to their wives why they needed STD testing. Childish? Maybe. Made me feel better to have done something? DEFINITELY.  More detail to come.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Well, first off, I'll say that the legal issues I caused myself will turn out ok. The DA will drop charges when I finish their damn DV course. I also found out something else interesting. Adultery is a Class One felony here in Wisconsin. Obviously, it's not prosecuted hardly ever, but still on the books. You should have seen the STBX's face when I showed her a copy of the statute. lololol I also did something else just to make me feel better and get a little payback as well. I contacted each of the OM and told them that I had tested positive for HIV due to my wife's cheating and informed them of the Wisc. statute against adultery.lololol When I looked at her phone a couple days after I did that,I found that each of these yahoos had been trying desperately to reach her. So now I know for sure there was sex, as I don't believe they would be calling her over that unless they figured there was something to worry about.lol Also saw that she had answered none of their calls or texts. I hope that at least they wind up having to spend the money and explain to their wives why they needed STD testing. Childish? Maybe. Made me feel better to have done something? DEFINITELY.  More detail to come.


FF - I salute you. Many would say this is a little step to far making out you have the worst virus possible.............. Me, I applaud you!. Added to this is the next stage of fallout, as you rightly deduce, some wives and girlfriends are going to start asking so very difficult questions of their partners. There is no doubt that your W will be hounded for a while and had to fight on all fronts. Can you imagine what a guys wife would say if a small card emerged through their mail telling them to arrange a visit to their doctor to a undergo STI investigation? :rofl:

Cant type any more here Im crying laughing -


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

@Wiserforit... Your points are good, but I will point out a couple things for you. First of all, my attention was never diverted from the affair or her lies. I think you're right in saying that that is what she wanted to happen, but I realized this right away, and did not allow it to happen. Compared to my marriage coming apart, getting arrested is a trifle to me. Also, I did not go to jail. She posted bail immediately. I think you are right in that she knew I would get arrested. Where the surprise came for her is when she found that she couldn't just have charges dropped. In this state, it's the DA's decision. She is totally financially dependant on me, and for that reason alone she can't afford to have me in jail and not working. Which is why she posted bail right away. A weapon you can't use is pretty useless. As far as more time for the truth? Well, I happen to think that I have to do what's right here, I have to be able to go on knowing I did everything possible to save the marriage. As you will see from the above recent posts that I have gotten to that point. That's why the divorce now. Last but not least.. I also anticipated about her using that arrest as a weapon against me. That's another of the reasons I filed for divorce a week afterwards.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

No your actions to the OM were not childish.

All WS's deserve to have the Jesus scared into them for their horrible actions.

I am sad for you that your WW has treated you so horribly.

Keep being you!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Glad to hear you are doing well. Good riddance.


fishfast41 said:


> Last but not least.. I also anticipated about her using that arrest as a weapon against me. That's another of the reasons I filed for divorce a week afterwards.


Please, elaborate on this.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Nice one mate you've handled this really well, and I love the idea of these clowns thing they might have HIV from your wife.

Classy


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Why don't you also see if you can recover her account. Sometimes you can if enough time hasn't elapsed you can restore an account. If she deleted the account to me seems a big red flag. If she was doing this and not getting caught. It could signal that she did something awful and out of guilt deleted the account.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Elaboration you want,elaboration you shall have. I had figured that she might try to threaten me with calling the cops again during an argument. I was right, and she did try that. As I said, she is completely dependent on me financially. All I had to do was remind her that if I was in jail, there would be no income, and that shut her down quick. As of today , she is still trying to get me to change my mind about divorce. As to the account.. I tried many times to recover it with no success. But that was back in September and October. I know enough from other sources to know what I need to do.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thansk for anwering.
Like I said.. good riddance.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

One other thing I should point out..after D is final..she will lose my income permanently. The funny thing is that she doesn't seem to even be thinking about that.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I bet she still figures I will change my mind at some point. lol


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I really wish that I had handled this as well at the beginning as I am now. Ever since I got hauled away by the cops,all my love and affection towards her seems to have evaporated. All I feel now is a very deep, cold , yet controllable anger at what she has done to me and the family. This anger has enabled me to make cold,logical decisions about my wife and the future with a real clarity. Has anyone else experienced this? Feedback ,please?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Looks like she's getting desperate. You need to have a VAR on you to protect yourself against false accusations.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Looks like she's getting desperate. You need to have a VAR on you to protect yourself against false accusations.


This. A situation like that you should have a recorder on you at all times when you're dealing with her.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Yeah, you are right, I don't have a VAR, but I will keep my cell phone with me a t all times and keep it's sound recorder on. Good call, thanx.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I don't think she'll try that again, but it's better safe than sorry. I think I'll also call the cops about this and see what advice they give.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I wonder if I will ever trust a woman ever again after all this crap.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Of course you will trust a woman again.

Because now you understand what boundaries you want in place and what behavior you do not consider acceptable in a relationship.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Your doing real good here pal.

How long before the divorce is sorted out.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> I wonder if I will ever trust a woman ever again after all this crap.


I redefined trust.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Well,Doyle, there isn't much to decide upon..my kid is hers from a previous marriage..he's my stepson.That is the worst thing, I love that kid as if he was all mine. His dad still lives close by,and I get along with him, so I should still be able to be part of his life. That part of all this really burns my butt. I've been with her almost 9 years ..married for almost 5 years..I've been around as stepdad the boy's whole life almost.Wife is disabled, she hasn't worked since 2005,she gets SSI.I've paid about 85% of the bills, raised a kid not mine for the whole relationship,and she goes and pulls this crap? And is still lying about some of it? WTF? We don't have anything to split,really. Live in a crappy apt. with a- hole neighbors, I'll gladly let her have that. Each have 1 18 year old car that runs. I'm just going to take 1/2 the money in the bank, my old Jeep,my cats,and my personal belongings. I plan to start fresh. Anything else we have I'll let the judge decide. Everything I have that means anything to me materially,I owned before the marriage in my name.Anything not material was my wife and family, and she destroyed that. I talked to a guy I know who is a PA lawyer, and he got me a long consultation with a family lawyer that he knows. This guy said if that's all there is to it, just file on my own,using a legal aid service and pay their fee. So that's what I did. Cost 165 bucks.


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