# Why is everyone on here so un self-aware?



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I mean people ask questions as if they are not at fault at all or there is a obvious answer with a uncomfortable outcome are people just easily deluded?


----------



## NotLaughing (Sep 1, 2013)

hey everyone! look! this dude has all his life issues completely solved and has an easy answer to all problems in his life. let's all gather around so he can share his eternal wisdom and save us from our deep delusion!

seriously... what was the point of this thread? just to be a ****? well... mission accomplished!


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

People are not self-aware.

Hardship or an introspective predisposition are the two ways self awareness is introduced. Most people arrive at it through hardship.

Sorry NL. It isn't knowing it all. It is a lot of observation and sadness. Nobody who is self-aware feels truly superior. They may be frustrated, but the motivation is pure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I don't think my problems are solved its just people seem to be floating in life ignoring obvious answers.Is it fear of having to face uncomfortable truths that may lead to divorce or major life changes?


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't know? Why aren't you?


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I don't know? Why aren't you?


I have Asperger's so I'm not good socially but it seems obvious when something has a logical causal chain, yet they ignore the implications. I agree I'm not very socially aware.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Quant said:


> I don't think my problems are solved its just people seem to be floating in life ignoring obvious answers.Is it fear of having to face uncomfortable truths that may lead to divorce or major life changes?


Discuss some of these "obvious" answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Discuss some of these "obvious" answers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One woman is complaining about her separated husband yelling at her and not liking her anymore she still seems to engage in trying to get back together it seems obvious she should just move on.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Quant said:


> I don't think my problems are solved its just people seem to be floating in life ignoring obvious answers.Is it fear of having to face uncomfortable truths that may lead to divorce or major life changes?


Some of it is.

Most of it is perspective and delusion.


I can't tell you how many situations I've been in that had me completely befuddled because I was emotionally invested and quite delusional in my perspective because of the emotional aspect.
Situations that in retrospect were perfectly simple to comprehend and decide on a simple course of action.

It's hard to see the truth when you can't think rationally about the subject.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

True Tacoma. Forest. Trees.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> True Tacoma. Forest. Trees.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Some of it is.
> 
> Most of it is perspective and delusion.
> 
> ...


I can easily distance myself from the situation and reason because of my Asperger's so it confuses me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> One woman is complaining about her separated husband yelling at her and not liking her anymore she still seems to engage in trying to get back together it seems obvious she should just move on.


It is much easier to clearly see the problems and solutions in someone else's life then in our own. That seems to be part of the human condition.

It's much easier to run someone else's life than our own.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> I can easily distance myself from the situation and reason because of my Asperger's so it confuses me.


So.. you are the guru man. What are my problems and the obvious solutions?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Quant said:


> I can easily distance myself from the situation and reason because of my Asperger's so it confuses me.


I'm getting better at it without Aspergers.


You see a high percentage of people doing this here in this forum because most come here in the midst of some emotional turmoil (divorce, infidelity, relationship problems).

They often have their entire lives and identity wrapped up in a relationship that appears to be disintegrating right before their eyes and the feeling of powerlessness and emotional loss gets in the way of pure rational thought.

Humans are simply imperfect


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So.. you are the guru man. What are my problems and the obvious solutions?


I haven't heard your problems but I'm talking about easy situations sometimes there is no outcome that is good.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Quant said:


> treyvion said:
> 
> 
> > Discuss some of these "obvious" answers.
> ...


People have emotions. Few of us can be Spock.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I will tell you why I'm here.

I have been struggling with 2 neurological disorders that have totally shattered my life. I have also just left (almost a year ago) an abusive man, I am now going to file some paperwork that will probably make him lose it.

Because of this.. well I have no friends. People that I thought I trusted all my life can't get over the fact that for a while I was recovering from neurosurgery and I couldn't socialize.

It feels good to write something down. I have been avoiding things... my life is now devoid of people who I want or can rely on.

It does help when someone says - I have been there, I understand.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bunny23 said:


> I will tell you why I'm here.
> 
> I have been struggling with 2 neurological disorders that have totally shattered my life. I have also just left (almost a year ago) an abusive man, I am now going to file some paperwork that will probably make him lose it.
> 
> ...


I can empathize with you about how people react when you are ill.

Years ago I had TB. I causes me to be so ill for months that I had to take 6 months leave form work. I could not socialize for months. The same thing happened to me. All of my ‘friends’ dropped me. I learned a lot about people and friendship. Now I realize that I don’t have many friends. I have acquaintances. There are only a couple of people who I consider very good friends. I now know that the others are only along for the ride as long as they can get something out of it.

The realization can be very liberating once the shock subsides. It helps put things into perspective, who is important and who is not in my life.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> One woman is complaining about her separated husband yelling at her and not liking her anymore she still seems to engage in trying to get back together it seems obvious she should just move on.


By the way, she should complain about him treating her like that. Even if he wants out of the marriage there is no reason for him to yell at her and treat her with disrespect.

Like most people when their marriages fail, even when their spouse moves out they try to figure out a way to fix the marriage. Believe it or not.. couples do repair marriages even after things like what she is going through. 

Some of the strongest marriages I know have gone through one or two very bad periods not unlike what this woman is going through. And the road back to a happy marriage is often very bumpy and looks like insanity to everyone looking at the couple.

There's a study I read that followed couples who said that they were unhappy in their marriage. Five years after the couples reported that they were very unhappy, 85% reported that they were now happy in their marriage.

What seems obvious might not necessarily be the right thing to do. Humans are very flawed and very complex.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Quant said:


> I can easily distance myself from the situation and reason because of my Asperger's so it confuses me.


And yet you are self-aware...

Are you sure you are being entirely truthful with yourself? I have my doubts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> I haven't heard your problems but I'm talking about easy situations sometimes there is no outcome that is good.


Shoot I was hoping that they were clear enough... 

Oh well....

Trust me. You do not want to hear my problems. They are stupider than most you hear around this place


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

bunny23 said:


> I will tell you why I'm here.
> 
> I have been struggling with 2 neurological disorders that have totally shattered my life. I have also just left (almost a year ago) an abusive man, I am now going to file some paperwork that will probably make him lose it.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry Bunny. I'm so glad you got away from the abuse though. Hopefully you will make new friends worthy of your time.


----------



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

Quant said:


> I mean people ask questions as if they are not at fault at all or there is a obvious answer with a uncomfortable outcome are people just easily deluded?


The answers are rarely obvious, even though it might seem that way on the surface. There are often dozens or hundreds of subtle factors to each situation that require consideration. The people who ask these questions are also highly emotionally involved in the situations and most can't easily detach.

If your like many autistic people, you may not be very in touch with your feelings, at least not on a very deep level.

Many questions here are very difficult to answer with logic alone. A combination of logic and a sense of what is going on is often necessary. The sense of what is going on comes from the ability to feel and empathize; again these things are often very difficult for those in the autistic spectrum. However it is possible for you to learn and to become more in touch with these feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until this thread I wasn't even aware that I was un self aware, but now I am so much aware of my un self awareness that I must be aware.

Or am I?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Of course you are my bright little star...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Shoot I was hoping that they were clear enough...
> 
> Oh well....
> 
> Trust me. You do not want to hear my problems. They are stupider than most you hear around this place


There is no such thing as a stupid problem. Complain, ask, vent away EG! What you consider small or stupid may be the most disastrous thing someone else is going through and they are too afraid to come forward themselves. All issues are welcomed and appreciated!


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

lost me at


> Why is *everyone *on here so un self-aware?


you have no credibility when you make such sweeping generalisations.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm an aspie and used to have the same attitude as you. In fact if you read my older posts you'll see my arrogance loud and clear.

I've since grown and realized that it's unfair to pass judgement on someone when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes. 

Everyone does the best they can given their personal set of circumstances.

I think Ele said it best it's way easier to give advice than it is to take it.


----------



## CoffeeKev (Aug 31, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> True Tacoma. Forest. Trees.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For some reason I really dig this statement :smthumbup:


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I'm getting better at it without Aspergers.
> 
> 
> *You see a high percentage of people doing this here in this forum because most come here in the midst of some emotional turmoil (divorce, infidelity, relationship problems).*
> ...


It is also difficult to get good advice from those around you. they may not be capable or worse, they may have a stake in your issue. Sometimes that stake is just simply knowing that they can influence you to do whatever. 

During my divorce, I had to drop a few friends for this reason. I really believe one woman was reliving all the neat cut and thrust that she experienced at the collapse of her marriage. No wonder she wanted me to send out that broadcast e-mail. didn't do it and don;t regret. I also don't regret unloading her either.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

People who come here are often in crisis because of difficult / failing or failed relationships. Stress can cause people to avoid the truth and, sometimes, delude themselves because the truth is too hard for them to bear...


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I might well imagine that my notion of self-awareness is different from yours, OP.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Quant said:


> One woman is complaining about her separated husband yelling at her and not liking her anymore she still seems to engage in trying to get back together it seems obvious she should just move on.


We're looking at a very simplified decision model based on available (supplied) and likely incomplete information. So any suggestions are largely wild a$$ guesses or WAG's.

Forums like TAM are worthwhile for their descriptive rather than their prescriptive ability. I may not find an answer to a specific issue but if many people describe the same issue I know I am not alone. Any information is good and the more information the better.


----------



## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I like to think that I am a generally self-aware person in most situations, but big marital problems are enormous and can defy a person's normal grip on things. I was self-aware enough to know that I had no perspective on my own problems and was in way over my head. That's how I ended up in IC and ended up here. It's self-aware to know that you're NOT aware of how to handle parts of your life that are spinning out of control.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'll be honest and say that I can understand what the OP is getting at. Maybe I have Asperger Syndrome too and don't know it, and that I may have learned to cope with feelings better for whatever reason. Seriously, I do wonder sometimes if I do have it. My son has an Autism Spectrum disorder ailment, so the chance are it came from my family (me). 

But I think the OP does have a point. There are certain common sense things that people do not exercise in their relationships that most people should be aware of. For example, we know that to have a good relationship that you need to give of yourself to your partner. But there are people who are unaware that doing this to excess can result in a lack of respect due to becoming a doormat. Common sense will dictate that you need to spend meaningful time with your partner if you want a solid marriage. But too many times we read about people who prefer to play video games, go fishing, watch TV, etc to excess than spend time with their spouse. Then people wonder why a spouse pulls away from them. 

The truth is that most people ARE aware of themselves and what they need to do. The issue becomes that they don't always WANT to do the right things and/or they do not care to think thru the consequences of not keeping up on the things they should do. For example, we know that eating a triple cheeseburger with bacon and thousand island dressing (or mayo), ketchup, lettuce, tomato, onion, large fry and a diet soda (LOL!) is not good food for a healthy diet. Yet a number of us LOVE the taste of these foods and simply go to them despite knowing better. I'm sure the vast majority of fat people know why they are fat. Just like the vast majority of people know why their marriages suffer. So while most people know what constitutes a strong relationship vs what makes a relationship weaker, the bottom line becomes which immediate choices that confront us in the short term are more appealing at the moment. While logically we may know that spending a couple of hours talking to the wife may be the right thing to do, you may feel a stronger urge to turn on your high def TV, fire up the DVR and watch a "Duck Dynasty" marathon instead of spend quality time with your spouse.

Those are but a few thoughts and surely don't cover everything. But I can scream sometimes when I read some of these threads and wonder WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE!!!!!!!!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the only emotion stronger than fear is hope!


when people put their all into a relationship with someone they thought was good, kind, just, and vested for the good of the fanily and to have a future together. And then find out differently its a huge change of thought process to come to term with this is just extremily hard. they are not the person I thought. and for some it might not even be possible to overcome. So they hope it will change because in their mind how in the world could someone who you loved with all your might and they also said they loved you could turn out to be such an ...........a$$hole.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some problems seem simple from the outside. When you're living with the problem, it's often very complex with competing priorities and constraints. Besides, good decisions are often based on learning from past experience, and often the problems are new to the person facing them. Also, some people are more emotionally driven than others who are more logical, but that is part of their personality.


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

A friend once told me that he used to really get frustrated with how people he knew kept on making the same stupid mistakes.

Later, he realized that most people know their faults, but just lack the will to change them. It also is typically easier to see clearly when not emotionally invested.

There's a real mix in the people here.

Some are simply insane - and either unwilling or unable to accept reality. (...terrible husband/wife...blah...)

Some have intuitive learned behaviors (eg, kindness) that would be fairly functional in other situations, but not the one they're in.

Other people stuck over obvious decisions are leaving out relevant information that makes the decisions difficult. This is probably the trickiest one (...terrible relationship, but 65 year old overweight unemployed woman with mental issues and prenup...) - as people tend to either lie about or conceal this sort of information, probably out of shame.

I find these forums useful primarily (as john mentioned) in a descriptive way - basically a way to determine, with modest statistical power, norms of behavior in marriage. My family is somewhat odd, so generalizing from them is not always accurate.

They are also somewhat useful as a second glance for plans of action that I probably shouldn't discuss with our neighbors.

--Argyle


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Sometimes it is easier to live blind and accept your lot in life. Rather than it would be to fight and change things. Denial, councilors, self-improvement books. We all seek to change our nature. While a select few bear the iron will that it takes to control that nature. To make your self exactly who you want to be. Most of us though just seek the comfort and familiarity. We accept our lot in life because solving the problem requires effort or acknowledging the truth of our situation would be too painful to bear. Wether it be facing and abusive past and confront the evils to prevent you from perpetrating that same evil. To accept that the man you married is an abusive drunk that wasted years of your life. To find out that your selfishness has alienated you from everyone else you know and love. To wake up and admit that the needle in your arm is worth more that the life you should have. To admit the problems in your life were caused by you and not the people you blamed for everything. Changing our nature is hard and facing the truth is the first step. How man people do you think take that first step over just clinging to whatever small joy that they have?


----------

