# Drunk dial from ex (the dumper) last night



## katiep (Oct 9, 2013)

Hey, guys. I'm not married, but I posted on here awhile ago and got some great responses that I really appreciated. I'm having a tough time again, so I was hoping to get some suggestions. My full story is here, if you're interested:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/128402-hes-coming-home-afghanistan.html

But here is the summarized version and what has happened since. Thanks in advance! 

I was with a guy for about a year. I'm 21, he's 25. I loved him, still do, and even now I believe he loved me. He deployed to Afghanistan last March. We did good until around July, when he got extremely stressed out with the deployment and decided he should "pause" our relationship until he came home so he could focus on the deployment. I was really upset because it came out of nowhere and it was hard for me to understand, but I said I supported him and let him go.

He kept in touch with me (he initiated everything) about every two weeks but then suddenly stopped contacting me in October. Again, I decided if he wanted to talk to me he would and I let him go. I did send a care package with his favorite foods mid October, and then I said Happy Birthday toward the beginning of December but I never initiated anything else. I did those things for MYSELF, I wanted to know in my head that I did everything I could and let him know that I still cared. I figured it would be easier for me in the long run that way because I couldn't play the "What if?" game or blame anything on myself.

Anyway he got home from Afghanistan two weeks ago. His family lives in another state so he isn't in my town right now, but he will be visiting extended family HERE next week. I had not heard a peep from him until he messaged me on Facebook Thursday night, just saying hey. I replied and we sent a few messages back and forth during the afternoon. He kept the convo going and eventually texted me instead of Facebook messaging.

So I fall asleep last night and wake up to a phone call around 1:30 am and I answered. Yes I know I shouldn't have... Pretty obvious where this is going. I was doing so good before I responded to his Facebook message and broke NC Anyway I could tell he had been drinking but he basically started crying to me (literally) saying he misses me, that he made the biggest mistake of his life, that he loves me and wants me back. He said he's been out with his friends but always ends the night thinking of me. Everything leads back to me. He said he wants to start over. That he saw so many things in Afghanistan that messed with him and he thought it would be better to separate himself from me, but now that he's home he regrets it. He said that he wants to start over with me and commit to me.

So I text him this afternoon asking him if he felt the same way, and he says he doesn't even remember talking to me. I find that a little hard to believe and I'm extremely disappointed and setback. I came forward and asked him (even if doesn't remember saying those things) does he have feelings me?? I said if he doesn't, I'd like him to tell me so that I could move on without him. He says "Yes I guess I do to some degree I do have feelings for you. I just hate that I drunk dialed you. I was wanting to talk to you about everything in person."

So... Do you think he meant any of what he said? And why would he include the "to some degree". What is my next step? I haven't replied to that text yet... The thing is, I was fine without him and don't need "closure" from him. I had accepted that I would probably never hear from him again so this is all completely throwing me off. Obviously I'm not over it and I do still have feelings for him and wish that it could work. I'm willing to put everything behind us. BUT I'm not interested in being strung along or a hookup or being friends. Period.

I guess I was just curious as to how I should respond or what I should do. Any insight. Thank you


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I think I would tell him when he makes up his mind and gets his head together then maybe you could talk. If he can't get it together he will keep doing this to you.

In the meantime since you two aren't an item I would continue to see others because I bet he is.

To me 'yes I guess I do to some degree' means he likes you but not in love with you.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You are reading into this too much. Let it go. He sees you as the safety net; someone he can depend on to be there when it is convenient for him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

For sure your packages to him when he was overseas cheered him up, make him feel somebody cared whether he lived or died. He doesn't offer much in return.

He got drunk and all the sentimentality of the drunk came out. He loves you best when intoxicated, when sober he is a coward.

I would go back to NC. If he contacts you again, ask him what he wants. Sounds like there is no other woman to listen to him.

Military life is destructive. People who had problems seldom return home in better shape.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

katiep said:


> So... Do you think he meant any of what he said? And why would he include the "to some degree". What is my next step? I haven't replied to that text yet... The thing is, I was fine without him and don't need "closure" from him. I had accepted that I would probably never hear from him again so this is all completely throwing me off. Obviously I'm not over it and I do still have feelings for him and wish that it could work. I'm willing to put everything behind us. BUT I'm not interested in being strung along or a hookup or being friends. Period.


Really? You aren't interested in being strung along? Uh, no ... you are responding. You are trying to figure out his motivation(s) for why he is doing this and behaving as he is.

Your next step, if you aren't codependent (which I believe you are from this post ...), is you go NO CONTACT. Tell him it was great, but it ain't anymore.

So when he's drunk he gets all romantic. Oh, boy. I was married to an Army officer, and first-class alcoholic. He was very loving and romantic. He was also a first-class a$$hole. It depended on what mood fell out of the sky and into his head during one of his drunk-a-thons.

You are enmeshed with this guy. Otherwise, you wouldn't be holding onto hope. What might-be. His potential to be the man you want him to be and love.

JMO.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I think what he said last night is the truth. I think he did see things that have him unstable and confused. I think he felt he needed to put up a wall to help him deal with his deployment. I think he does love you and regrets splitting up with you. And I think he said he doesn't remember telling you all that because he is still confused and his conscious mind doesn't really want to take down that wall yet. That said what should you do? You should do exactly what you were doing before that call. Give him space and time to get his head clear. You continue to live your life and go about your business. If he can eventually take down the wall that he's built AND you are still open to a relationship with him then maybe in the future you can reconnect.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Honestly, move on. 

If he can't even articulate that he cares about you unless he's drunk, then he's not the man for you.. 

Let's say that again. He only said he cares for you when he's drunk. 

Move on, sister. 

End of story. I get deployment. I get military, I get police. I was raised that way.. 

THIS? Is f&cked up.. 

he's going to do nothing but mess you up. You don't need this. THIS is not healthy. This is not love. This is not even like. He could do better than this if he wanted. And if he can't? Then he's too messed up to be with anyone..

THIS is convenience and apathy. 

YOU deserve better. 

CUT.HIM.OFF.NOW.
NOW.

NOW. 

Do Not Ever Speak To This Man Again. 

Seriously. He will only hurt you.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Sorry hon, you need to move on. Delete his number from your phone and then block it.

There are lots of available men out there. Don't make someone your priority who only makes you an option.


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## Better Days (Oct 27, 2013)

katiep said:


> Hey, guys. I'm not married, but I posted on here awhile ago and got some great responses that I really appreciated. I'm having a tough time again, so I was hoping to get some suggestions. My full story is here, if you're interested:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/128402-hes-coming-home-afghanistan.html
> 
> ...


Your young and have your life ahead of you. He is playing games. Move on and enjoy your schooling and friends and get the most out of life. You'll think back beings he was your first but at the same time he cared for you then but since going into the service that has changed and their is someone special out there for you. He remembers the phone call he made last night and he is just making more of a fool of himself!! Good luck!!!


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