# how can I turn my nice-guy fiance into a demon in the bedroom?



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

I know this is for married people and I'm only engaged so sorry if its not the right forum. Heres the thing. My fiance and I have been together 2 years, getting married next year. I've always liked quite adventurous sex, and deep down I know I get turned on by mild submission - nothing crazy, but I like a man to tell me what to do (in bed that is!), what he likes, etc and generally be quite dominant. I like sex outdoors too. This preference in the past led me to several very unsuccessful relationships with men who were sexually adventurous and more dominant in bed, and while the sex was great the rest of the relationship was awful and things ended in disaster. So when I met my fiance it was like relief - FINALLY a nice, normal, intelligent, funny, ambitious guy! We have good sex, I orgasm every time (although I do quite easily anyway so it doesn't take much work!) and we are in love with eachother. The thing is he's much shyer that me about sex in general: he likes it, but it doesn't occupy much of his brain (unlike me!). He basically needs it once a week, but will do it slightly more to please me. He's very considerate in bed and he also hates doing it outside, he likes one or two positions. He loves BJ's most of all and that suits me fine because I actually get turned on by the feeling of submission, but in terms of love making it is exactly that - love making, rather than hot, dirty sex. It just isn't in his personality to talk dirty, spank me or tell me his fantasies. I could ask him to, but he'd be just saying something to please me, and that would ruin the fun. He's a nice guy, and he'd feel like being any other way would be disrespecting me in some way. I tried to explain but he didn't get it: I basically said that while I want to be respected in our relationship in general I don't have to be SO respected in the bedroom - he doesn't have to ask me every few minutes if I'm ok or if I like it!! How can I turn a nice guy into a demon in the bedroom?? Honestly, trying to get him to talk about sex is like pulling teeth: he just says he likes it the way it is and doesn't see any need for change. That's ok for now but we're getting married: what about in 10/20/30 years time??!!


----------



## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

10/20/30 years from now it will be the same. He's not into it.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

_"he doesn't have to ask me every few minutes if I'm ok or if I like it!!"_

He needs to read this book:

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books

It talks about the monitoring problem in sex (like the quote of what you said above, asking every few mintues if you are ok).

But honestly?

Please don't marry him.

He isn't going to change at his core, and you will not desire him the way he deserves to be desired. In the long run, you will be unsatisfied and he will know it. A sexual mismatch like this can cause a divorce which I promise you is more painful than breaking off an engagement.

I know that is not what you wanted to hear. But again...you can't change a person's core. You are saying he is straight up telling you he isn't like that and he isn't going to change.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

FemBot said:


> 10/20/30 years from now it will be the same. He's not into it.


:iagree:


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I could have written most of your post the year I got married.

With good communication two people can work together to create a sex.life in which each is satisfied.

I don't think you will have good luck, however, changing him into something he is not. Like you I dated dominant men that sexually aroused me - but they were also total jerks and put me through much emotional pain. My husband of 18 years has been my rock and we have had a happy and peaceful marriage. His lovemaking is sweet and soft and its awesome (now) and I'm happy - but Christian Grey he is not and never will be.

Don't go into this expecting his sexual appetites to change too much.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I could have written most of your post the year I got married.
> 
> With good communication two people can work together to create a sex.life in which each is satisfied.
> 
> ...


Some of those jerk-traits are now turnoffs? And if you had to experience them regularly and over time, would degrade the appearance of the person who does them? Or would you still be attracted to it?


----------



## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

If you are not okay with his remaining exactly the same as he is forever, then don't marry. 

He is who he is, and is not going to change into someone who likes those activities as much as you do.

That said, maybe _you_ can be the one to change to be okay with his doing those things ("...talk dirty, spank me or tell me his fantasies) to please you, even if it is not his style naturally. Maybe you can come to accept his efforts and still find it a turn-on. 

I am naturally kinkier/more adventurous than my husband, but he has come to enjoy playing along, even though it is not his basic nature. We still have fun in bed! Would it be more fun for me if it came naturally to him? Probably, but I can't imagine not having married him for this reason, given what a great guy he is in all other respects.


----------



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

It isn't a dealbreaker for me. He's a wonderful man and because of his strength, capabilities and character in daily life i do desire him...Ive been with guys that have given me everything sexually but the relationship was a mess. So i see it as a small trade-off. That said, i don't know how I'm going to feel down the road. I guess i was just looking to get some tips about how to drag a guy out of his shell...i feel like he must be holding back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

He's not holding back bluebell...he is being himself.

You should read the book I linked above and then have him read it. It might help, but if it does, it will be because HE caught on to something in the book himself.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Also I would like to say for the record...I am married to a man who is BOTH a Sex God who knows how to make me feel the excitement and passion women want to feel, AND he is a great husband.

There is no reason a man who is a great lover must also be a jerk.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

IDK if I would give up just yet since he's a good guy.

Do you think it possible he could be holding out for a little more adventurous during marriage? 

What if the two of you looked at that website with the animated video positions and see how he react?

List of All Sex Positions

See how he react to you guys looking at this together. Take it from there for slowly introduce more things to him. Find a mild Erotica story and read it to him. 

If doing a few things like this doesn't warm him to the idea of being a little more kinky in the bedroom, it probably not going to happen. In that case it would be a mistake to marry him. You'll be frustrated.

Oh yeah, and check out Faithful Wife blog (post above this one). Try reading that with him.


----------



## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

Shop together for some toys, maybe? e.g. If you like to be spanked, try some light spanking toys-- and have a safe word so he knows you'll never let it go to a level that is unpleasant for you. When he sees that it turns you on, he may start to enjoy it too.

You can't drag him out of the shell but he might be coaxed out. Maybe he really doesn't yet know what he'd like. Try various things. See what he responds to.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Some of those jerk-traits are now turnoffs? And if you had to experience them regularly and over time, would degrade the appearance of the person who does them? Or would you still be attracted to it?


I'm sure there are plenty of men who are sexually dominant and are also good, moral people. My relationships prior to my marriage were with sexually dominant men who also cheated on me, were undependable, were liars, emotionally unavailable etc. The relationships were highly charged with emotional angst and this often translated into crazy sexual encounters.

When I set out to date better men I found my husband - who is dependable, good moral person, etc. I knew from the start he was not sexually dominant as I had been attracted to in the past. Like the OP here I told myself he would come ot of his shell in the course of the marriage. There was no false advertising on his part. 

And hey, those sexually dominant men weren't getting me off either so there's that.

I just don't want OP getting married thinking her husband is just shy and that she can transform him into someone else.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> IDK if I would give up just yet since he's a good guy.
> 
> Do you think it possible he could be holding out for a little more adventurous during marriage?
> 
> ...


Yeah. But if he's a good guy, and he really loves and wants to please his wife... He should not have any problem warming it up and learning some new things in the bedroom... Within reason, I mean whats so hard about doing some new things to please your mate?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

treyvion....We don't get to decide for other people how they "should" be.

So there is no "he should not have any problem...." fill in the blank.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> treyvion....We don't get to decide for other people how they "should" be.
> 
> So there is no "he should not have any problem...." fill in the blank.


We don't get to decide, but we do get to ask and make it known that we would desire that.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Which she says she has done already.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Which she says she has done already.


He might not hear her or understand.

And he might hear her and might not understand how she could like it.

And he might hear her, might not really understand how she could like it, but believes she must like it, but can't see himself doing it.

It may not be completely lost.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't agree with the "he's not into you" responses. I would guess he is into you, loves you and genuinely wants to be with you.

The problem is though that he is beta in the bedroom and that is part of his core, it won't change. You are the more sexual one and that may well increase over time so you are going to end up with a major disparity between you which will give you both nothing but grief in the years to come.

OP my situation was similar to yours and i married him. 20 years later we are divorced and I finally learnt what it was that was good for me. 

I have re partnered with a man that is the perfect type for me. He is HD, our sexlife is amazing.
The winning formula for me (and i would suggest most HD, strong women) is that he is a great balance of alpha/beta. He is very alpha in his career, very successful.
He is alpha in the bedroom, will pick me up and throw me on the bed, talks dirty, is into light bondage. 
He is also very gentle in the bedroom at the right times, he is a passionate lover, he is intuitive and knows what to do and when. He enjoys sex and enjoys my body and thrives on giving me pleasure.

Outside the bedroom, in our life together he is a beautiful mix of beta/alpha. We are equals, both give and take, we help each other around the house, have common interests and hobbies. He is intelligent and passionate about life.

OP you may think your partner is suitable for now but please do some serious thinking. This place is littered with women that are in sexually unfulfilling marriages. He might be a great man but is he the right man for you?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Agree they should talk. They should both read NMMNG.

But what you said was "he should...." and I just disagree.

Once we start thinking "he should" or "she should" then we can't accept people for how they are. 

This fiance is who he is. The OP is stating straight up that she wants to CHANGE him into someone he is not.

Your "he should" might make the OP wander away with the idea that her fiance "should" be obligated to change to her liking.

That just isn't how marriage works.

When we think it should work like that, we end up with resentment when people don't do what WE think THEY "should do".


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Holland - who said he just isn't that into her?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

oh, OP one thing I meant to include though: what you said about once a week is fine for him ... ooooh .... that really seem like a low number. I don't know how old either one of you is (you may have said but I miss that part) but if he is mid 20's to mid 30's and once a week is enough for him -- that seem really low. If any other time is just "duty" sex well ... as good as he may try to make it, would you really want that?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Holland - who said he just isn't that into her?


edit, sorry FW I read it wrong, not into *it*, not *her*.


----------



## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I agree with Faithfulwife when she says there are plenty of great men who are also great lovers. I think you dated the jerks who were great in bed to discover you don't like jerks. Now you are settling for the first non-jerk who treats you right. What if there was a wonderful man out there who was also a sexual match for you and everything you've ever dreamed of? By getting married you are closing the door to that possibility.

I understand it's hard to leave a good man because...well...he's good but it's not a reason to stay if you are not fulfilled. It will only get harder to leave, especially if children are in the cards.


----------



## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Holland I said "he's just not into *it*....

I assume you are talking about my post.

Oops just saw your edit


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FemBot said "he's not into IT", not "he's not into you".


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OH I see you saw that Holland....no worries.

I just wondered what I had missed.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No probs, rest of my post stands though. BTDT the whole mismatched situation rarely turns out well.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Does he know you like him in charge?

2. Does he have any idea what a guy in charge would do or be like? He might need some learning and practical examples to go by

3. Does he know you give him permission to not ask permission?

4. When he does try stuff do you show your pleasure at it, and encourage more from him? For example, the next morning or evening after he's been good to you, meet him in something sexy, and a bit submissive and beg to be allowed to give him pleasure for being so generous to you the night before.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Holland said:


> No probs, rest of my post stands though. BTDT the whole mismatched situation rarely turns out well.


It can work if they communicate honestly, and put effort into pleasing each other in the way they like.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bluebellwoods said:


> The thing is he's much shyer that me about sex in general: he likes it, but it doesn't occupy much of his brain (unlike me!). He basically needs it once a week, but will do it slightly more to please me. He's very considerate in bed and he also hates doing it outside, he likes one or two positions. He loves BJ's most of all and that suits me fine because I actually get turned on by the feeling of submission, but in terms of *love making it is exactly that - love making, rather than hot, dirty sex. It just isn't in his personality to talk dirty, spank me or tell me his fantasies*. I could ask him to, but he'd be just saying something to please me, and that would ruin the fun. He's a nice guy, and he'd feel like being any other way would be disrespecting me in some way.


 I married this type man... it was probably a good thing I didn't get in touch with my wilder sexual side when I was younger or I might not have stayed with him... but then again, I would be livid dealing with those other types - Alpha's who lack all the wonderful things my Nice guy has in abundance.. can anyone be ALL things to us... I don't know.

What can you *accept*, what will you grow to *resent*?? You need to think Long and hard on these questions... and know yourself and what works for you. I am more of a Romantic over an Erotic... so I can live with my Nice Guy and not as "adventurous" of sex.... but if he wasn't crazy about sex, I would not be able to accept THAT...

I've had a # of arguments over this in the past 4 yrs (though they can be pretty funny at times) ..and we've ironed this out.... did a few threads on it here even........ I was laughing out loud reading the title to this... reminds me of when I was ranting at him some time ago...to be more of a "Son of a Bi*ch " in bed...... then I stopped...realizing these things flying out of my mouth...and started laughing.. this is kinda typical of us at times.. Once I had him pinned down growling at him telling him what I wanted him to do to me....play by play.... I was a little ticked... and he says.... "You're not going to like this but you are turning me on"... .that was hilarious... We still manage to have a lot of fun. 

I bought this book... if you 2 could read this together... it might help some..it is written specifically for men like him..

Just F*ck Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom: Books

I also started a "Spice Jar"..writing down snippets of things I would love for him to DO to me... as being more aggressive just doesn't come naturally to him... He is turned on when I AM the aggressive one...which I enjoy. 




> I tried to explain but he didn't get it: I basically said that while I want to be respected in our relationship in general I don't have to be SO respected in the bedroom - *he doesn't have to ask me every few minutes if I'm ok or if I like it!!* How can I turn a nice guy into a demon in the bedroom?? Honestly, trying to get him to talk about sex is like pulling teeth: he just says he likes it the way it is and doesn't see any need for change. That's ok for now but we're getting married: what about in 10/20/30 years time??!!


 Mine has never asked me If I am Ok.. or If I like it, that kind of thing doesn't happen... but he is a LOVE MAKER... he is all a sensual romantic -wrapped in the emotional ....very much a pleaser...

This would be another great book for you to get a hold of to explore your Libido styles... so you can better understand HIM...and he can better understand you... You are likely an Erotic... 



When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  

...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


***********************************************************

Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other...



> ....*These 1st 4 Lover Styles prefer their Romance & Love to be "TRADITIONAL" rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary*...
> 
> *1*. *The Classic Lover*- you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
> 
> ...


When are you getting married ? This needs sorted out... you don't want to go into the marriage... with a growing resentment that he can not BE what you crave.. how old are you both? 

You mention his only needing it once a week...if you are young... he doesn't have much of a sex drive !! Men's sexual antsy Prime is in their 20's...I'd be very concerned about this...as men slow down as they age... (testosterone waning little by little every year )...and yours will likely grow higher ...just something else to think about.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You can't change him, but he CAN change himself as long as he wants to. Simply Amorous gave a good book suggestion above (i'm reading the sample on my kindle now ). I'd also recommend "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. It's upped my game. The key is though--he HAS to want to change. It's a matter of "I'm going to do whatever it takes to satisfy her", and that's something only he can decide to do.

I'm not generally a very aggressive guy in the bedroom, but I've learned that I NEED to be, because my wife is even more low-key than I am so she won't ask for what she really desires. It doesn't come naturally to me, I definitely have to work at it, but she's worth it to me.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In a way I agree with both sides of this debate. I use myself as an example. While I am never going to be a spit in your face, slap you hard enough to leave welts call you degrading names jam my you know what in your mouth until you're on the verge of passing out kind of guy...with the right cues I could be more agressive with my partner. 

Based on your description of your guy if you're looking for the former you probably should move on. I don't envision him being capable of that. If on the other hand you're just looking for slightly more agressive you probably can steer him in that direction.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SA said: "....Alpha's who lack all the wonderful things my Nice guy has in abundance"


I really wish this wasn't a stereo-type, SA. Just because a man is a great lover and has skills in those areas doesn't make him a jerk nor does it mean he lacks love skills, devotion, etc.

I know you know that, I just wanted to point it out again.

The same way you know that your man being the way he is does NOT make him have the negative traits of a Nice Guy...he is simply a good man and he is the way he is, we all get to be how we are. Well, there are some men who have the skills and ability to really do a throw down, and yet it says nothing about their emotional life or those skills. 

In the same way, I'm a huge sl*t in the bedroom, but it doesn't mean I am not loyal to my husband or that I will screw around on him.

I'm just pointing it out, that's all.


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I was this shy guy when we married, and I have been ramping it up, so yes I believe he can change in the bedroom, all he has to do is want to.
The frequency is what I would worry about, I was good for 1-2x a day as a "shy guy", if he's 1-2x a week now that is the part that may pose a big problem. 
Sadly, my wife has gone backwards while I have ramped it up and it seems all in vain. It's only been a couple times in the past few years when she's gotten "just right drunk" that her inner slvt came out in the bedroom and it was fantastic. I would move freaking mountains for her if I could coax that out a couple times a week.


----------



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. I will definitely look at the suggested books, and the stuff about sexual styles that Simplyamorous posted are really interesting. Again, while sex is important to me, this particular preference isn't a dealbreaker seeing as all the other aspects of the relationship are perfect. Also, I'm not saying that nice guys can't be good lovers, or that good lovers aren't nice guys, its just that when it comes to being dominating in the bedroom, some guys have a harder time playing that role. And that's all it is, playing a role. My fiance is a very 'manly man' in his everyday life - big, confident and gregarious, and he has quite a traditional outlook about the man being the protector within the relationship. So as a whole person he actually instills desire in me day-to-day. But in the bedroom he can be over considerate, often treating me like a china doll. I TOTALLY understand that you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change someone, and I don't want to change him, but I think I can show him different ways of making love and I do think he can come out of his shell. For example when we first met he had problems sustaining an erection - now that is all fixed, he was just nervous, and intimidated by me (I am a very confident, and I suppose attractive woman). He doesn't particularly like having sex outside because he doesn't want anyone to see, but he now happily enjoys BJs in the car, which I think is a step in the right direction. He is comfortable with my sex toys because I've shown him how they're mutually beneficial (although he still would NEVER set foot in a sex shop!). Sometimes I'm perfectly happy with the missionary-position quickies twice a week (hell, I'm busy too!) but yes I would like to be more adventurous in order that our sex lives have a good chance of being sustainable in the long term. I don't think that you can have everything though; I'm 32 and I've met a man I love and want to marry...spanking or no spanking...I guess its a trivial enough issue. Hopefully I won't be on this forum in 20 years time complaining because my husband doesn't satisfy me (if so I guess you can all say I told you so!!).


----------



## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

next time he asks if you're ok, say no.

when he looks at you weird, tell him in the bedroom, you want to be his *****.

then clarify, and say not want, need - then insist he smacks you in the arse. when you get him to do it, tell him to do it like he means it.

it's going to go against everything he thinks is proper, and it'll take time. he'll get there. And as he's making baby steps and you're post-coital snuggling, just whisper "thank you".


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

dubsey...it just isn't that easy. Some men are simply not into it. And it seems that some people around here will try to throw shame in the direction of a man who wont act dominant in bed. WTF?

Some women are simply not into it either.

We are not all the same.

I think it is horrible to try to make it out as if this woman's fiance "should" be turned on by the things you are suggesting. 

I discuss this topic a little in this blog post:

I Married a Sex God: 16. Submission…or Throwdown?

Some men want to be the ones who are dominated in bed. Why should they be expected to be the dominant one if it just isn't their thing? What if they are the one who wants a spanking?


----------



## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I was that guy. I know that of which I speak. He likely gets more general satisfaction out of her having pleasure than he gets out of his own physical pleasure.

and I do agree with you, he may actually want the reverse as well and is afraid to ask. It's something she should explore as well.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, you can most definitely be the expert in how YOU were or are.

But you have no way of knowing anything about THIS woman's fiance and how he is.

There is no sense in trying to project upon him that he "should" be any certain way, simply because YOU are.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Agree they should talk. They should both read NMMNG.
> 
> But what you said was "he should...." and I just disagree.
> 
> ...


^ THIS TIMES A MILLION

:smthumbup:


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

bluebellwoods said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I will definitely look at the suggested books, and the stuff about sexual styles that Simplyamorous posted are really interesting. Again, while sex is important to me, this particular preference isn't a dealbreaker seeing as all the other aspects of the relationship are perfect. Also, I'm not saying that nice guys can't be good lovers, or that good lovers aren't nice guys, its just that when it comes to being dominating in the bedroom, some guys have a harder time playing that role. And that's all it is, playing a role. My fiance is a very 'manly man' in his everyday life - big, confident and gregarious, and he has quite a traditional outlook about the man being the protector within the relationship. So as a whole person he actually instills desire in me day-to-day. But in the bedroom he can be over considerate, often treating me like a china doll. I TOTALLY understand that you can't go into a marriage thinking you can change someone, and I don't want to change him, but I think I can show him different ways of making love and I do think he can come out of his shell. For example when we first met he had problems sustaining an erection - now that is all fixed, he was just nervous, and intimidated by me (I am a very confident, and I suppose attractive woman). He doesn't particularly like having sex outside because he doesn't want anyone to see, but he now happily enjoys BJs in the car, which I think is a step in the right direction. He is comfortable with my sex toys because I've shown him how they're mutually beneficial (although he still would NEVER set foot in a sex shop!). Sometimes I'm perfectly happy with the missionary-position quickies twice a week (hell, I'm busy too!) but yes I would like to be more adventurous in order that our sex lives have a good chance of being sustainable in the long term. I don't think that you can have everything though; I'm 32 and I've met a man I love and want to marry...spanking or no spanking...I guess its a trivial enough issue. Hopefully I won't be on this forum in 20 years time complaining because my husband doesn't satisfy me (if so I guess you can all say I told you so!!).


I can only speak from MPV but it you like to be dominated and like the man to take the lead I fear that down the road you will be most unhappy. I was married 16 years to a man that was very dominate and that is where I learn about my sexual needs and wants. Or, should I say that is what I was taught to want those certain behaviors. I can tell you now some 15 years after, I want that type of man and have ended way to many relationships because it wasn't right in the bedroom even though I was treated like a queen. I could put up with the Mr. Nice Guy but I was never totally happy. 
Think long and hard about a marriage where you may or may not ever get your sexual requests met to your standards. How do I say this but "you like what you like"


----------



## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Bluebell - do you wear thongs or lingerie? That should get things going for your soon to be hubby. Works for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> I don't agree with the "he's not into you" responses. I would guess he is into you, loves you and genuinely wants to be with you.
> 
> The problem is though that he is beta in the bedroom and that is part of his core, it won't change. You are the more sexual one and that may well increase over time so you are going to end up with a major disparity between you which will give you both nothing but grief in the years to come.
> 
> ...


Uh, Holland does this dude have a brother? Cousin??


----------



## Rembrandt36 (Aug 29, 2013)

bluebellwoods said:


> I know this is for married people and I'm only engaged so sorry if its not the right forum. Heres the thing. My fiance and I have been together 2 years, getting married next year. I've always liked quite adventurous sex, and deep down I know I get turned on by mild submission - nothing crazy, but I like a man to tell me what to do (in bed that is!), what he likes, etc and generally be quite dominant. I like sex outdoors too. This preference in the past led me to several very unsuccessful relationships with men who were sexually adventurous and more dominant in bed, and while the sex was great the rest of the relationship was awful and things ended in disaster. So when I met my fiance it was like relief - FINALLY a nice, normal, intelligent, funny, ambitious guy! We have good sex, I orgasm every time (although I do quite easily anyway so it doesn't take much work!) and we are in love with eachother. The thing is he's much shyer that me about sex in general: he likes it, but it doesn't occupy much of his brain (unlike me!). He basically needs it once a week, but will do it slightly more to please me. He's very considerate in bed and he also hates doing it outside, he likes one or two positions. He loves BJ's most of all and that suits me fine because I actually get turned on by the feeling of submission, but in terms of love making it is exactly that - love making, rather than hot, dirty sex. It just isn't in his personality to talk dirty, spank me or tell me his fantasies. I could ask him to, but he'd be just saying something to please me, and that would ruin the fun. He's a nice guy, and he'd feel like being any other way would be disrespecting me in some way. I tried to explain but he didn't get it: I basically said that while I want to be respected in our relationship in general I don't have to be SO respected in the bedroom - he doesn't have to ask me every few minutes if I'm ok or if I like it!! How can I turn a nice guy into a demon in the bedroom?? Honestly, trying to get him to talk about sex is like pulling teeth: he just says he likes it the way it is and doesn't see any need for change. That's ok for now but we're getting married: what about in 10/20/30 years time??!!


So he's perfect but for the dominant sex. Do him a favor and break it off. He sounds like a good man who is who he is - and you are not going to change his DNA enough to make it work. In 5 to 10 years you will be on here talking about how you disrespect him, how he doesn't fulfill you, how the jerk guy at the office is looking hot, etc. Maybe not - not trying to put words in your mouth - but if he is not alpha - do not kill his joy (and yours) by trying to mold him into something he's not. My wife and I are lucky - we're both LD and in love. That does not sound like your situation - and I'd rather not see you come back into an "I told you so" situation in 5 years.


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I'm sorry but I disagree with Rembrandt. If something turns you on and it's reasonable...like someone already touched on above, no choking suffocating bruises etc etc, just mild dominant sex, I don't see an issue guiding him this way. 
If he has 1/2 a brain, seeing what it does for you should really do it for him too.


----------

