# Is There Any Way to Stop This?



## Dad of 3 (Jun 6, 2009)

I'm no angel and had a long-running affair with an ex-g/f. It's over now and I realized, with much thought, how much I love my wife and want it to work for the both of us and our kids. I feel ashamed for what I've done and am willing to do whatever it takes to gain my wife's love and forgiveness. We both agreed that despite the damage I'd done, there was still the possibility for reconcilliation.

My wife and I tried to do just that, only to find out that _two weeks_ later, she slept with a coworker. Okay, fine, the timing couldn't have been worse, but he's an out-of-town representative and when he left, I figured it was through. Instead, she launched an ever-growing web of lies and deceit to be close to him. This includes, but is not limited to: texting, phone calls, email, IM, and video chat.

We still hold hands, kiss, have sex, and say "I Love Yous," but all of her emotional support comes from him. She talks to him in one way or another several times per day. I could take her cell phone and the computer power cord, but what good would that do? Nothing except prove to him that I'm crazy like she claims.

She tells me she needs time to decide what she wants, though I feel the decision has already been made and I'm the #2 guy.

The stunning thing is that she's doing exactly the same thing I did: the lying, the emotional affair, the hiding of secrets. If anyone should've learned from what I did, it should've been her, but she's still on this destructive course that's killing me and affecting our kids negatively. She just can't see it; this is a dead end.

This guy's married, has two kids, ages 8 and 14, I believe, and a sickly wife. He 's not going to leave his state and my wife isn't leaving ours, but there's an amazing strong bond between the two of them that I don't know what to do about.

We've talked and talked and I just get the "I need my space." bit. She doesn't want to discuss it any more, which really means she doesn't want to be called out on her behavior. I'm watching the woman I love disintegrate and become someone I don't like. She said she has no plans to leave me, but that doesn't make me feel less lousy.

I've been praying and begging God for help in restoring my marriage, but I'm not that optimistic.

Opinions?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Just desserts. But anyway. You need to call the OMs wife, and out him to her. He will throw your wife under the bus. Then separate bank accounts. When she asks why you separated accounts. Tell her "I just need to think awhile and get my head straight" Its up to you whether you man up, stop feeling guilty and start to take back your marriage.


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## Dad of 3 (Jun 6, 2009)

Well, we had the talk this morning and she wants a divorce, no ifs ands, or buts to it.

I feel strangely calm and even liberated. I'll be angry later on, but I'm comfortable right now.

Apparently, I screwed up too badly to save this. The OM will be here within two years or so, as he's having to sort out a lot of **** with his life. I sort of hate him, but I know this is my fault.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Does your wife work or is she a stay at home mom? If she is a SAHM, close all joint accounts, Cancel all credit cards.. This may wake her up to what reality is. It could give you another chance.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Does your wife work or is she a stay at home mom? If she is a SAHM, close all joint accounts, Cancel all credit cards.. This may wake her up to what reality is. It could give you another chance.


What? Oh, please! "Wake her up" to the fact he CONTROLS her through MONEY? That is a good way to keep your wife.

Archaic and stupid. IMHO.

You want a WOMAN back because she WANTS to be there and WANTS to love you, not for your freaking wallet. 

OMG.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

karma's a ***** ain't it?

She wanted revenge and to take back her right to have the man in her life want her.

Does it make it right? No, but her affair is far more understandable than yours was. 

You broke the vows and devastated her.

But she chose the wrong way to get over it and found she liked him more than you.

You don't have to finance her affair, so do segregate your resources and pursue divorce.

You started this sad trip but she' finishing it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Dad of 3 said:


> If anyone should've learned from what I did, it should've been her, but she's still on this destructive course that's killing me and affecting our kids negatively. She just can't see it; this is a dead end.


What she learned from your affair is that you didn't respect your marriage enough to stay faithful. She may feel as though she will never be good enough and you will always be looking over your shoulder for something better.

She probably felt very lonely within your marriage and found someone feeling similar in his (although for different reasons) and they connected on an emotional level.

While she is emotionally attached to him, she will not be able to see the positive side of working things out with you.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Sad story, well sad for one person. That would be your wife's BF's wife. She seems like the only innocence one in the story.

There is no excuse for your affair and less of an excuse for your wife's affair. Sorry being cheated on sucks, believe me I know but it doesn't excuse what she did either. Both of you have moral issues or lack there of. 

My wife cheated on me but I didn't jump into bed with the first person who paid attention to me.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry because I do believe good people make mistakes. You sound like a nice person who made a really big mistake. Unfortunately some things can't be undone with "I'm sorry". I have been cheated on, and its devastating. What I felt, and still do is that I will never have a husband who puts me first and respects and loves me the way I did him. He took that away and I cannot get it back. So there are times when I think, maybe I do not want to save this marriage because I deserve that.

It has crossed my mind to get back at him. About this time, I met a guy who was interested in me, attentive, great father (divorced two grown kids) was interested in my kids..he did not know my marital status and no we didn't have an affair but it crossed my mind. But I knew that if he knew there was a chance my marriage could be saved he would bow out so I would have had to mislead him. In other words someone innocent would get hurt. In your case, OM's wife and their kids and your 3. Their are always victims. 

It would have been comforting to get from him what I lacked but not fair to him or my kids so I ended the friendship by never calling him again. I did decide to salvage the marriage and we are working on this. 

My point is, all the choices we make have a permanent impact and cannot be undone. So your only choice here is to learn something from this, be a better man, and work on forgiving yourself. Separate amicably, do what's in the best interest of your children. You can't change what you did, you can only change what you do about it now. So do what you can be proud of now. You paid a high price but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to have a happy life. I wish you the best, and I am sorry that it didn't turn out better for you.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

So sorry to hear this. Az, hang there! Smooth, you too! Just don't do the wrong thing!


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