# Should I send this letter????



## regretsihaveafew (Feb 7, 2012)

_Written a letter, its mainly to say sorry... Do you think this will have him think, she is better now etc or not really? also, should I put in more about US - that we've been seperated 10 months and I really dont want this divorce but to meet up etc - I don't want my feelings of wanting us to have another go over whelm that I'm sorry... god this is hard...I haven't sent letter yet but any feedback would be appreciated. I did put it on my other post thinking of writing a letter but as Ive actually wrote it I don't know if I've done wrong it putting it on a new thread....._

Dear Joe Bloggs

I have agonized over writing you, trying to figure out how I would say what I want to say. I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am that I offended you in numerous ways during our relationship.

Since my experience (I don't like breakdown but can't think of
a better word) and having my tumor removed from my neck, that was touching a nerve and causing headaches and chronic pain!!, my recovery has been a brilliant experience and life has never been better, except your no longer in it.

The decline of my mental heath was a shattering experience, not just for you and your family but for me also, but the good news is that I’ve recovered.

I can now see that I became unable to cope with everyday life, depression of being ill, losing our 1st child, wedding stress led to insomnia led to more depression led to medications being increased so I was on a total of 130ml-152ml of morphine a day led to more pain due to tension, which led to more meds and more bad reactions and then drug withdrawal as I thought I’d cut the medication out myself without help made me feel I was going insane and that I’d never be able to think or work again as you know I couldn't stop sobbing.

As you know Joe Bloggs, this was due to many traumas in my life not just one, having an illness no one could diagnose, the stress of our wedding, fighting to keep my job, losing our baby 1st baby due to it being ectopic and then second time (I’ve enclosed a your copy of the scan of our baby second time for you to see as I wasn't in the mental position to hand it to you when you requested last time). The final straw of the breakdown was finding out your family didn’t know about us and that upset me and got things spiriling down hill. I just didn’t know at the time how to seek the help needed to get over the traumas. I felt isolated, misunderstood, attacked, and unloved and as a result became critical and argumentative. I know these factors made it difficult for our relationship to survive and I am truly sorry Joe Blogs for hurting you this way.

The good news is I’m better, pain free miraculously, fine now. (Time really *does* heal-- as well as getting really nasty meds out of one's system.) I owe my life to St. Thomas’ for doing all they did, if they didn’t they wouldn’t have found the tumor I’d be dead now.

I want you to know Joe Blogs, I can now see your actions you done when we got back together was to help me but at the time I couldn’t see it. This letter is to apologise for all the hurts I have caused you Joe Blogs. I am sorry I attacked you so many times verbally but I really did think you were plotting against me with your family but now I can see that wasn’t the case, you had your two separated lives to keep both your sister and me happy. I understand that now and I should not have pushed you to move our things back into the flat.

I’d like to thank you Joe Blogs for being there the best way you could leading up to the wedding, I know now, (shame not at the time) that you were terrified for me, extremely concerned and disturbed. I know I had many, many incoherent, rambling conversations in which I said crazy things and on certain medications I had suicidal ideation. I’d like you to know that I will always remain overwhelmed by the love you showed me as I know how difficult and scary this was for you.

Please know that I appreciate your love and support. You were a big part of the reason I am recovered and stronger now. I hope you know that.

I have been given so much respect from work, family and friends I had originally lost for having gone through what I have and recovered. I go to London twice a month to gigs, meeting up with friends, I go to the gym 5 times a week, Walk to work and even work full time again now. All my issues have been addressed and I am back to the bubbly Joey Bloggs with so much energy that it still feels to weird. I got my Motobike test coming up soon also, can you believe I’m sitting my bike test, check me out!

I am feeling terrified in contacting you and humilitated of my actions of my illness and mortified about things as a whole. I know life was weired with me due to this and I am willing to talk about things if you feel you need clarity to deal with any issues I gave to you because of my illness.

My surgeon said I didn’t need to make apologies or amends for things I couldn’t control, he said he was surprised at how strong I was going through a growing tumor, constant chronic pain and dealing with all other issues as I hadn’t intentionally set out to hurt someone emotionally but that I should just write to people to thank them for caring for me and show them my appreciation for their support. He said that clinical depression that led to my insomnia and decline in behaviour was every bit as valid a medical condition as diabetes and that I should be embarrassed about it as I’ve had operation and well again. He said the medication was the major culprit along with the tumour and that I should focus on that and not what I had done.


But I can’t just focus on that or just say Thank you for your support Joe Bloggs as I owe you more than that, I understand that the experience was frightening for you, but repetition of the incident need not be of any concern to you as I no longer have pain.

I know our marriage is over from your perspective and divorce is going through, that is something I have to live with and also hate myself for due to my illness. I can see why you did the things you did. I’m hoping I suppose that in some way we could maybe re-establish some contact and connection to show you that the woman you loved at one point is now no longer a hugely uncharacteristic, scary, and disturbing breakdown.

Again, Joe Bloggs, I want for you to know that I'm so very sorry for my behavior over this last year. Now I am back to full health I realise that I had taken you for granted and I treated you in a way that was the exact opposite of how I really felt.

I want you to know that I love you Joe Bloggs, more than anything in this world and I would never want you to think that I don't deeply value and appreciate you.

Again, I know that my illness has meant that our marriage is over on your side of feelings. And I don't know what this means moving forward where you are concerned. But, I do know that on my end, if we bumped into each other again you’d see a complete change in me, my actions behaviours. I wish I knew I needed help sooner so you could see how I am now I could show you how important you were and still are to me.


I’ll end this letter asking you to forgive me for my actions whilst I was ill, I know by forgiving me your feelings are not necessarily going to change over night – the wound is still sore. I can feel the pain still of what you must have been feeling. So rather than act on those feelings, I ask if you forgive and allow your wounds to heal and your feelings subside and begin to fall in line with the decision we have made.

A nurse who was caring for me said, Mrs bloggs, forgiveness is choosing not to remember. It is deciding not to think about it. God says “he remembers our sins no more”. This does not mean he pushes the delete button and wipes the data from his memory banks. Rather it is a file he chooses not to open. I hope that you can forgive me and choose to love or care for me still, in spite of what I have done during my illness.

I know what I am asking wont be easy but I hope it will change you from the position of being helplessness as you can not change the past or undo it to the position of whereby you are making a difference to your future.

I hope that you will forgive me for all I have done to you Joe Bloggs that caused you great pain.

With love always

Mrs Joey Bloggs

Please feel free to help me re-write this letter and give me pointers, we are at the stage of financial disclosure in our divorce and he refuses to speak with me so this letter will have to go via his solicitors but I'd love nothing more but to try and work things out now...


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

Im not sure a letter is a good idea. Can u guys not sit down and talk about things? go to counselling?


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## waroftheroses (Dec 30, 2011)

Hi,

Your letter is honest and very sad...The decision to send is yours alone...no one can tell you otherwise...

I sent a similar letter to my ex wife after she was caught cheating...

30 years together seemed such along time to simply walk away and not write how I truly felt...

She never replied....I cannot say what happened to the letter which I handed to her to read...did she read it even??

For me it gave closure to a wonderful marriage....for others on this forum they write journals..blogs...and never send there deepest thoughts...everyone is different...

Do not expect your letter to change his mind....hopefully he will retain it...keep it safe and IF...his current situation appears to be not as green as he thinks....maybe...just maybe....he will realise what he had......and nearly lost ....depending of course... if you still want him when that times comes.

It does get better....I promise you...please keep reading other peoples stories...read and absorb advice from more experienced writers such Jelly Beans...Morituri....Warlock.... 

Take care....and Best Wishes...x


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## regretsihaveafew (Feb 7, 2012)

1dayatatime said:


> Im not sure a letter is a good idea. Can u guys not sit down and talk about things? go to counselling?


I wish I could but due to his family it has to go through solicitors.


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## regretsihaveafew (Feb 7, 2012)

@waroftheroses thank you for your reply, I will read up on others first. I think part of me is saying I'm sorry and then I can close my chapter in that I've told everyone I hurt whilst I was ill that I am sorry. Another part of me hopes in time when his hurt heals he would return. I do appreciate your comments and I will certainly read other peopls blogs etc..Thank you


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I wouldn't send the letter. It is centered on you and not on him or your marriage. He will see you as weak and groveling--not a desirable position for you. I understand your need to to do this. I have been there too. Begging did nothing but push my estranged husband further away. In addition, that mindset lowered my self-esteem even more.

More to the point, your husband made a vow to you on your wedding day. He vowed to be there for you in sickness and in health. Correct? You were sick and he chose to leave. I think he is the one who owes you an apology.


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## regretsihaveafew (Feb 7, 2012)

827Aug said:


> I wouldn't send the letter. It is centered on you and not on him or your marriage. He will see you as weak and groveling--not a desirable position for you. I understand your need to to do this. I have been there too. Begging did nothing but push my estranged husband further away. In addition, that mindset lowered my self-esteem even more.
> 
> More to the point, your husband made a vow to you on your wedding day. He vowed to be there for you in sickness and in health. Correct? You were sick and he chose to leave. I think he is the one who owes you an apology.


Thanks 827aug. I can see what you mean I'm struggling on how to focus it on him as the breakdown of marriage was due to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hold on to the letter for a couple of days and re read it. If you are still happy with what you have written then send it. Don't expect a reply from him but it Cld act as closure for you. There is nothing wrong with telling him how you feel and what regrets you have as long as you don't expect anything back.

I have written my H quite a few letters. We are seperated. I haven't given them to him but have put them away but it helped me to write my feelings down and not keep it all in.

Well done on all you have achieved. Sounds like you are On the road to recovery. Stay strong and look to the future.
Good luck to you x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Personally, I am averse to giving inside information to someone who has used that sort of information and disclosure against me in the past. Especially prior to a divorce, when you would presumably see him in person. I'd think I would need more privacy at this point. For me, I'd get it that letting someone know my feelings in the past, didn't work out in my favor, and I'd change my disclosure habits. How about if you share the letter with a close friend, who will understand the hurts you've suffered, and give you a hug and keep your secrets for you? I think that way you have more chance of getting a positive response in terms of it leading to action, and also being able to be understood, for real. 

Unless, as some people have done successfully here, you want to reconcile. In which case, editing would be necessary to achieve objective. 

Sometimes, depending on the person, a recipient might read a letter only as 'hey, she wrote to me. she's thinking about me. that means she's not thinking about anyone else. I win!'
Sad, but sometimes true.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hold on to the letter for a couple of days and re read it. If you are still happy with what you have written then send it. Don't expect a reply from him but it Cld act as closure for you. There is nothing wrong with telling him how you feel and what regrets you have as long as you don't expect anything back.
> 
> I have written my H quite a few letters. We are seperated. I haven't given them to him but have put them away but it helped me to write my feelings down and not keep it all in.
> 
> ...


I agree. I used to write to my H, long emails. Now if pressed to write something it would be condensed into two words. I could change them up though, if I had to write multiple letters. If you've ever read my posts (lengthy) you'd know something was up if I had little to say except variations on 2-word communication (most of them directives or declaratives).


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I took another look at your letter. I'm sorry that you can't talk to him about this as it would be better. What do you hope to happen by giving him this letter? First ask yourself that. Someone once told me to write a letter to my ex, get all my anger out, all the feelings, and then take that letter and burn it. It's supposed to give you a chance to get things off your chest but not to send it. Have you thought about doing that?


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