# Help and advice appreciated



## All good just a week ago (Aug 24, 2014)

New here and looking for some advice. My wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years and married for the last 6 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. We are both in our early 30’s and things seemed to be going ok for the most part. I am in school and she recently started a new job where we had to change our location.

She recently informed me that she cheated on me during a recent trip out of town for a friend’s birthday. She says it was a drunken incident that involved only oral sex on her part. I find this hard to believe because she always hounded me about her suspensions of me cheating. I have never cheated on her or been in a situation remotely close to cheating. I know she has had some past issues that lead to her insecurities so I overlooked it and was willing to work through it.

I know the news is still fresh, but I don’t know how to handle this or move forward. I waffle between wanting to end it and wanting to work things out and continue my life with her. I am embarrassed, hurt, humiliated, and angry. In a parking lot outside of a bar of all places!! To me intercourse is more excusable than oral sex. I could use some advice and viewpoints from others. I am not fond of ripping apart our family but I honestly don’t know if I can ever forgive her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hey there, sorry that you're here. I'm going to jump in w/ a few questions...

How recently did your wife confess to you? 

Under what conditions did she admit cheating? Did she confess of her own volition or under duress (i.e. someone else threatened to tell you if she didn't)?

It sounds like she confessed to a ONS ("one-night stand")... how certain are you that she isn't having an actual affair?

Who was the other man? Neighbor? Family friend? Co-worker? Boss? Random bar guy? Internet hook up? Is he married? Do you know him at all?

Did she plan this or or did it "just happen"? Was she drunk? Did they use a condom?

What do you do for work? Does your wife work outside the home?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Gus has an excellent question.

Why did she confess?

Did others know and she suspects they were going to tell you?

If that's the case, it is very likely she is minimizing what really happened...its standard damage control by a WS.


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## All good just a week ago (Aug 24, 2014)

She came clean on her own. I asked her repeatedly and she says it was just a drunken ONS and that she doesn't know the guy and had never seen him before that night. As far as my occupation it could be considered as a paid student internship. She works outside the home. It has been about 24 hours since she came clean to me, but the incident happened earlier this month.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have either of you mentioned marriage or individual counseling? If you did, what was her response to it?

And dude... you JUST found out. Get ready for the emotional rollercoaster. It's coming, and it's going to be a b*tch. Be especially prepared for the anger.

How are things at home right now? Are the two of you still sleeping in the same bed? Have you had sex since the ONS? How about since she confessed?

When did the ONS occur? How long between the ONS and the confession?

For now I'm going to suggest this book for the both of you...

Amazon.com - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald

Ask her to read it, and note her response. Report back.

It's under 100 pages, so it's a quick read.


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## All good just a week ago (Aug 24, 2014)

I mentioned counselling and she seemed open to it. I asked her to look into it. The emotional rollercoaster has already started. I sway from wanting to work it out to never wanting to see her again. 

And since my emotions are all over the place we have had sex twice since the confession and I slept in bed with her that night but plan to sleep on the couch tonight, If I sleep at all. I did notice a change in our sex patterns since she came back from the trip, but we were both busy with work.

And the ONS occurred maybe Aug 2nd and she just came clean late Friday night. It adds a layer to my disgust that she acted like everything was fine for that long after it happened.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

All good just a week ago said:


> I mentioned counselling and she seemed open to it. I asked her to look into it. *The emotional rollercoaster has already started. I sway from wanting to work it out to never wanting to see her again.*
> 
> And since my emotions are all over the place we have had sex twice since the confession and I slept in bed with her that night but plan to sleep on the couch tonight, If I sleep at all. I did notice a change in our sex patterns since she came back from the trip, but we were both busy with work.
> 
> And the ONS occurred maybe Aug 2nd and she just came clean late Friday night. *It adds a layer to my disgust that she acted like everything was fine for that long after it happened.*


Very understandable. How is she reacting to the rollercoaster? What, if anything, is she doing to comfort you?

What questions have you asked her to date? Is there anything that she's been unwilling to talk about?

Has she been acting oddly private or secretive w/ respect to her phone, tablet, laptop, or other personal electronics?

Do you have the user IDs and passwords for her e-mail, social media, and Apple iTunes and/or Google Play accounts?

What kind of phone does she use?

And, again... was a condom used at all or does she not remember? Have you mentioned getting checked for STDs? Remember, condoms won't necessarily protect against all of them.

Was she by herself or w/ friends at the bar? If she was w/ others, have you reached out to any of them in order to corroborate her story?


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## All good just a week ago (Aug 24, 2014)

She just seems tired. She really hasn't eaten much today. We embrace and sometimes I accept it and sometimes I'm angry. We have spent the last two days talking about it and there is nothing that she isn't willing to talk about.

I love this woman but at the moment it's hard for me to get over this. The image of her doing this is seared into my brain and I see it everytime I close my eyes. 

I fully trusted her so I don't have any of her passwords. She has given them to me but I didn't feel the need to remember them. I don't think a condom was used and I was thinking about asking her to get tested.

She was at the bar with friends but she said that she ditched them and left with the guy. I haven't reached out to any of her friends because I wanted to keep this between us for the time being. 

Obviously this is a new situation for me. My emotions fluctuate and I don't want to be an a-hole during this time, but I want my questions answered.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

How do you know for sure that it was just an ONS?

How do you know if it was really a stranger? Could had been someone known to one of her friends. If so, she may be worried that her sexcape may had been exposed.

I dont understand why she "confessed".

Did one of her friend found her behavior to be offensive and told her to tell you or her friend would?

I think there's more to her story than she's letting on. Quite a few things makes no sense.

Ask her to get a lie detector test, perhaps?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

All good just a week ago said:


> She was at the bar with friends but she said that *she ditched them and left with the guy.* I haven't reached out to any of her friends because I wanted to keep this between us for the time being.



Perhaps from the bold above, her friends noticed and rumor has been spreading. She's telling you to limit and control the situation and to put her spin before the rumor reaches you. I wonder if she told you the whole truth (and from that, if you know the real her).

If she can so easily have sex with another man in so young a marriage, you have to question if she had done this before?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"
How do you know for sure that it was just an ONS?

How do you know if it was really a stranger? Could had been someone known to one of her friends. If so, she may be worried that her sexcape may had been exposed.

I dont understand why she "confessed".

Did one of her friend found her behavior to be offensive and told her to tell you or her friend would?

I think there's more to her story than she's letting on. Quite a few things makes no sense.

Ask her to get a lie detector test, perhaps?"

Aug is right....there are a lot of things you need to look into here.

Definitely get STD tests done on both of you.

And if you think it was unprotected, make her take a pregnancy test...I wouldn't believe for one second this thing was 'only oral'....that's just WS minimizing cause they foolishly think it 'spares' you pain.

And the confession probably was prompted by the fact that she was too shamelessly all over this guy and obviously walked out with him for the night....she was terrified some one else was gonna fill you in.

Personally, I would dump her fast and hard, especially with no kids involved.

But ultimately, its your decision.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

Hopefully this is the only time this has happened and it won't happen again.

She may have told you out of guilt or fear that you would find out.

The only problem I'm seeing is the fact that she was always hounding you thinking you were cheating. I've seen this a lot at work with the women who are cheating on their partners. They think that since they are capable of cheating then their partner is.

Or it could be that she has been doing this so that when she did cheat she could say to herself that she didn't do anything wrong since you cheated first (Even though you didn't) A lot of cheaters like to see themselves a the victims.

Then again it could also be because she is very insecure or had been cheated on in the past.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. How are you holding up?

I think you should assume they had intercourse. Just because she confessed doesn't mean she is lying. There is no cheater on the face of the earth who has not held back the full story. In that regard, you should be tested for diseases.

She's in the prime nexus for cheating. Early to mid thirties and has one daughter, and she's the breadwinner. 

Can you verify there really was a birthday party?

It could be the case that she arranged a night out with someone new from work. I think you need to get into her phone.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

SevenYears said:


> Hopefully this is the only time this has happened and it won't happen again.
> 
> She may have told you out of guilt or fear that you would find out.
> 
> ...


I would also add that if this is the case, what are the foundations of her accusations? If she's carrying around this feeling that means there is resentment building to such a point when the opportunity presented itself she said to heck with it and went ahead and did what she did.

She's now done it once. Right now, maybe twisted but she feels you are both on an equal footing, that she might have been justified to do what she did. So the question is once the dust has settled and the rut sets in again and all the old issues start to arise again.. what's to stop her from doing this and maybe more again?

There is no quick fix to this because these are her underlying issues and they may be deep seeded and will require work. 

Is she truly remorseful? Does she show it in her actions, her words and do they feel authentic?

Because if not, and you rug sweep, you'll be back here or back in the same scenario and your wife has already proved she doesn't need someone she's familiar to cheat with. Just some dude from a bar or maybe next time off the internet.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

To drive home the point, you both need to be tested. You need to get a dna test for your daughter.

Does she go out drinking with friends?

Leaving with another guy doesn't sound like a quickee in the parking lot. How did she get back to where she was staying.

What kind of phone does she have?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Call the friend and find out what she knows? Act like there was more than you have heard and you want to know who it was with. Was the trip to a town where either of you know people?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

All good just a week ago said:


> I love this woman but at the moment it's hard for me to get over this. The image of her doing this is seared into my brain and I see it everytime I close my eyes.



Oh boy, this stinks. We know exactly what you mean about these images. You, like many of us are now presented with the ultimate of life's Catch-22/No Win Situations.

A prisoner's dilemma for eternity: You don't want divorce, but don't want to live with a cheating wife.

The only advice I have is don't bury your feelings. Let her know what she has done to you, and don't hold back. She pulled this little stunt either without a thought for you, or with open contempt for you. If you try to move on too quickly, you'll the resentment will build like poison. Of course, it will be YOU who's poisoned, not her.

This shlt is just unbelievable. What a low blow.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

All Good

Sorry about your situation. You're getting good advice, so breath deep and try to process it. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while, so brace yourself.

The only thing I can add at the moment is you need to assume your wife is lying to you about everything. Make it your default attitude toward what she tells you. 

Don't let yourself entertain any thoughts of reconciliation until you have completely ruled out the possibility wife is still messing around with other guys. 

It doesn't hurt to come right out and tell wife previous two paragraphs so she starts to process the gravity of the situation. Good luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

STD test for the both of you, and STAT.

Oh, and brace yourself. Most women that will have one night stands don't just have one. It's likely not her first time at the rodeo, or it's not a one night stand.

At this point, seek total transparency with everything, talk to other people about what really happened that night, go Magnum PI with everything.

Whatever you do, do it eyes wide open.

And give yourself time to process.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

SevenYears said:


> Hopefully this is the only time this has happened and it won't happen again.
> 
> She may have told you out of guilt or fear that you would find out.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is what I'm thinking. It's a mystery why she told you. Yes, it could be that this is the only time it's ever happened and she truly feels guilt and wants to get rid of the burden of her infidelity by coming clean.

Her accusations of you cheating could be another sign of guilt. Maybe she was already cheating or wanted to cheat. Either way, cheating has been on her mind, and I'll bet she set out that night to cheat, alcohol or not.

I don't have good advice to give you, except to try and find out if this was a one-time thing, or something that's been ongoing. That's going to greatly influence whether you want to stay with her or not.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

All good just a week ago said:


> She just seems tired. She really hasn't eaten much today. We embrace and sometimes I accept it and sometimes I'm angry. We have spent the last two days talking about it and there is nothing that she isn't willing to talk about.
> 
> I love this woman but at the moment it's hard for me to get over this. The image of her doing this is seared into my brain and I see it everytime I close my eyes.
> 
> ...


Some situations call for being an a-hole I'd say this one qualifies

Nice is not an option

The fact that she came clean on her own is a good sign

so long as you have the whole story,you may need to be an a-hole to get it all

Get a timeline for the past year or so

Consider a DNA test on your baby girl.

Keep your head on a swivel.

55


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some of these fine folks have given you some good advise.

So when it comes to STD test, written time line, transparentcy, accountablity, and even DNA for the kid....all these things are consequences.

A consequence that now you have to question her physical health, the consequences of reliving a shameful act, a consequences that she has lost her privacy, a consequences that now she has to report in, a consequences that you now question the entire marriage including the father of her child.

Sure the DNA may seem over the top, but the point is your old ladies action have consequences.

And we all know with out consequences bad behavior continues!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, there is always more to the story then blowing some strange in a parking lot....


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

aug said:


> Perhaps from the bold above, her friends noticed and rumor has been spreading. She's telling you to limit and control the situation and to put her spin before the rumor reaches you. I wonder if she told you the whole truth (and from that, if you know the real her).
> 
> If she can so easily have sex with another man in so young a marriage, you have to question if she had done this before?



The bad news:
it is pretty likely that she had full on PIV sex. Why would she give a BJ only...that would not have satisfied her horniness.

She probably was feeling guilty, wanted to confess, but did not want you totally flipping out by telling you the whole truth.

The good news:
Unforced, she did confess it. That means she does have a conscience, and if she can control her drinking will probably remember this remorse and never do it again.

I guess you have to learn the whole truth. She has to spill her guts, like how many times, what type of sex, etc. If she snows you with a half truth, this will still be bothering you 10 years from now--wondering what really happened.

And she has to change her drinking patterns, maybe NEVER again has a GNO where there is temptation.

And YOU have to figure out if this is a deal breaker, or something that you can reconcile over with time and effort on her part. 

Absolutely DNA test the kid. It will show her the seriousness of your hurt and concern.

And her accusing you of cheating is a major red flag, she was either cheating or thinking about it, and projected her behavior onto you. If so, then the "I was drunk and made ONE mistake" story may be BS...it was premeditated, and maybe many times, or with many partners.

Good luck, man. She sounds...confused.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> The bad news:
> 
> 
> And her accusing you of cheating is a major red flag, she was either cheating or thinking about it, and projected her behavior onto you. If so, then the "I was drunk and made ONE mistake" story may be BS...it was premeditated, and maybe many times, or with many partners.


This was my experience....ya all those years of being accused and it was all her.

Hell as our unhealthy marriage progressed it went from "are you cheating" to " wear a condom when you cheat"....


In addition there are a lot of assumtion going on in this thread.

I would like to add mine.... I'm thinking your old lady got into a bad situation and figured instead of getting "it" taken she gave the guy a BJ...the fact would still remain why she got into that situation in the first place.
Maybe she went out to this guys car to listen to CD's or smoke some weed and he wanted to take her some were...she got scared and blow him instead of being taken some were.

Hell maybe you know this guy and its been going on for a while....

The point is you need to get to the bottom of this so you know what your wife has become and if you do forgive...what you are forgiving her for.

I still can't figure out why she would confess a BJ and not just a kiss like the rest of the cheaters.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Can't believe that I didn't catch the "it was only oral" bit earlier. OP, here is how it goes...

"All we did was kiss" means that there was _at least_ oral sex.

"It was just oral" means that it was _full-on PIV sex_.

"It was only one time" means that it happened many times, and that -- more than likely -- the full menu was made available, including certain "specials" that may have been been previously unavailable (or, at the very least, available only in a very limited supply) to the betrayed husband.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

*Re: Re: Help and advice appreciated*

Yeah, call it a paradox but it's probably more of a warning sign given the context.



GusPolinski said:


> Can't believe that I didn't catch the "it was only oral" bit earlier. OP, here is how it goes...
> 
> "All we did was kiss" means that there was _at least_ oral sex.
> 
> "It was just oral" means that it was _full-on PIV sex_.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

All good just a week ago said:


> She recently informed me that she cheated on me during a recent trip out of town for a friend’s birthday. She says it was a drunken incident that involved only oral sex on her part. I find this hard to believe because she always hounded me about her suspensions of me cheating.


Everybody's already said it, so I'll pile on. Three big things:

Her accusations of you "cheating" with zero evidence or suggestive behavior on your part are indirect indicators of adultery on her part. 

Fellatio, misnamed "oral sex" by the modern world, is still just foreplay for the real deal. She confessed to foreplay. Unless your wife has her clitoris in her throat, she can't climax from fellatio.

Her confession coming weeks after the fact suggests that she feared this would get back to you someway, so she is confessing to a lesser charge. It's a plea bargain to allow her to rugsweep and if you should learn about this misbehavior in the future, she will be inoculated. Nine out of ten WW's who confess out of the blue agree.



All good just a week ago said:


> I know the news is still fresh, but I don’t know how to handle this or move forward. I waffle between wanting to end it and wanting to work things out and continue my life with her. I am embarrassed, hurt, humiliated, and angry.


It is normal to feel this way. Children in the marriage is the only reason to consider R, but you have to go into detective mode to get the info you need to make a decision. As the others have mentioned, your just seeing the tip of the iceberg.











All good just a week ago said:


> In a parking lot outside of a bar of all places!!
> To me intercourse is more excusable than oral sex.


A respectable wife and mother doesn't just have a couple of drinks and start blowing guys in the parking lot all of sudden. As others have pointed out, this kind of behavior doesn't just happen. As for fellatio being less excusable than actual fooking, she thinks you'll be okay since it can't lead to pregnancy. A lot of modern single girls see fellatio as a way to shake hands with a really hot guy. The problem is your wife isn't in high school and she's not single. I seriously doubt this was the first time or that fellatio was the limit. Maybe fellatio and cunnilingus followed by coitus. Now, that I would buy.



All good just a week ago said:


> As far as my occupation it could be considered as a paid student internship. She works outside the home.


She is the high earner, then?



All good just a week ago said:


> I mentioned counselling and she seemed open to it. I asked her to look into it.


Meantime, you look into the poly. Don't say a word to her about this. Get the VAR in her car and check her phone for calls and texts with her party friends from Fellatioland as well as repeated contacts with new or unknown numbers.



All good just a week ago said:


> And since my emotions are all over the place we have had sex twice since the confession and I slept in bed with her that night but plan to sleep on the couch tonight, If I sleep at all. I did notice a change in our sex patterns since she came back from the trip, but we were both busy with work.


Why are you going to sleep on the couch?

Can you file under cause for adultery in your state?



All good just a week ago said:


> And the ONS occurred maybe Aug 2nd and she just came clean late Friday night. It adds a layer to my disgust that she acted like everything was fine for that long after it happened.


To tediously repeat, this is probably much more than a ONS. Have you checked her Facebook, email, etc? Do so. Check to see if she's on any dating sites.



All good just a week ago said:


> She just seems tired. She really hasn't eaten much today. We embrace and sometimes I accept it and sometimes I'm angry. We have spent the last two days talking about it and there is nothing that she isn't willing to talk about.


For now, nothing is to be gained by talking about it with her. You need to be upbeat, don't get into any discussions at all about this relationship. Be cool and happy, like you don't have a care in the world. Can you sell that? If not, limit interaction with her and leave the house for long periods of time if you need to. Limit discussions to what is she making for dinner, things related to finances, and things related to your daughter. Do try to keep cool and present a relaxed, open, fully in control exterior, no matter how you feel inside.

Make your contacts on the polygraph.

How often do women you've just met offer you a blow job in the parking lot? Let me rephrase that, how often do women you've just met indicate a sexual interest in you? 

What's your workout plan like?



All good just a week ago said:


> I fully trusted her so I don't have any of her passwords. She has given them to me but I didn't feel the need to remember them.


Have her sign on while you're looking over her shoulder. If she refuses, you've got all the confirmation you need (unless you're going for divorce for cause of adultery). Don't let her erase anything (although she probably has already). Do you know how to recovery emails and messages?



All good just a week ago said:


> I don't think a condom was used and I was thinking about asking her to get tested.


Rubbers are _never_ used in affairs. Semen contains a lot of mood elevating chemicals that are absorbed through the skin of the various orifices.



All good just a week ago said:


> She was at the bar with friends but she said that she ditched them and left with the guy. I haven't reached out to any of her friends because I wanted to keep this between us for the time being.


So, she was riding with the other guy or she went in her own car and didn't ride with her friends. That sounds pretty odd to me. How about you? 



All good just a week ago said:


> Obviously this is a new situation for me. My emotions fluctuate and I don't want to be an a-hole during this time, but I want my questions answered.


You don't have to be an ******* and you don't have to be a pushover. Just act like she can be replaced in five minutes, because no matter how much you love her, it's the truth.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell her you know she's lying and that it was full on intercourse. Plant your feet and don't back down. See what she says. Keep hammering it until she admits. 

You may have to accept the ugly fact that your wife is a tramp, and you have no idea how many times she has done this. 

How many times a month over the pay few months has she gone out drinking with her friends while you have stayed home with your kid? Brother, we have seen this same scenario so many times on TAM that it is getting quite old. Party-hearty wife goes out in her GNOs (girls nights out), gets drunk off her ass, meets a cute guy, let's him make the moves and next thing his car is bouncing or they're at a motel. 

I would wager good money this is not the first time she has done this point being the way she has accused you of infidelity in the past. That's called projection.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

All good just a week ago said:


> I mentioned counselling and she seemed open to it. I asked her to look into it. The emotional rollercoaster has already started. I sway from wanting to work it out to never wanting to see her again.
> 
> And since my emotions are all over the place we have had sex twice since the confession and I slept in bed with her that night but plan to sleep on the couch tonight, If I sleep at all. I did notice a change in our sex patterns since she came back from the trip, but we were both busy with work.
> 
> And the ONS occurred maybe Aug 2nd and she just came clean late Friday night. It adds a layer to my disgust that she acted like everything was fine for that long after it happened.


 Wrong! What you do is this. Hand her a sheet, blanket and pillow and point to the couch and tell her that you hope it's comfortable but she isn't welcome in the marital bed. 

There is no reason for you putting yourself out because of her lack of behavior. She has to know that her actions have consequences and by her having to bunk out in the living room is her starting point.

Now you said that you got her to fess up about the affair she had I'm going on the idea that you knew something was wrong and thought she was cheating and confronted her or did she just come right out and just tell you out of the blue?

I got a feeling your going to get a lot of bits and pieces before this is all over so if it's me, I tell her you taking her for a polygraph test and if she fails, she better be able to find another place to live real fast. Chances are she will give you all the details before you get there and if she refuses to go then you know there's more.

I just hope you don't rug sweep this thing because sure as God made little green apples, it will come back at you with a terrible resolve.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> Wrong! What you do is this. Hand her a sheet, blanket and pillow and point to the couch and tell her that you hope it's comfortable but she isn't welcome in the marital bed.
> 
> There is no reason for you putting yourself out because of her lack of behavior. She has to know that her actions have consequences and by her having to bunk out in the living room is her starting point.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
She sleeps on the couch she cheated come on and DNA test your kid on Monday.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You really believe she only blew him?

She SUDDENLY decides to blow some guy in a parking lot? Does not add up.

BTW her covering friends are to be forever expunged from your home if you decide to Reconcile.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The highest indicator that I've discovered of how attracted any of my sexual partners was was a blowjob.

How often does she randomly go down on you? That's how into you she is.

For her to randomly go down on some random bar guy...

Well, she was either really easy or really into him.

My guess is more than a little of both.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I still thinks its possible.

My sinerio of blowing the guy to get out of a bad situation.

I can see it going down like this;

om- lets go to my house, there is a party
ww- no lets stay here
om- no I'm taking you there now
ww- I'll blow you now lets just stay here


Just saying guys there is a possabelity that she got in the wrong car with the wrong guy and blowing him saved her from getting rapped.

Again this all assumtion on my part but it could have happened.
I ask...why would she get in the car in the first place? Cuz she was in fact into him.

Even though common sense dictates they phucked and WW is minimizing there is another possiblity.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

:scratchhead:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> :scratchhead:


the guy is on a different astral plane
I'm not even sure where I am at


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All Good, please update.
Are you getting a lawyer or a marriage counselor?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> All Good, please update.
> Are you getting a lawyer or a marriage counselor?


He has to get out of the shock and stop being the "nice guy"
Otherwise forget it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

All good just a week ago

Nobody here knows if your wife only had a ONS or not. *One important thing to remember is that some couples can make a go of it even if it is not an ONS.* I would suggest that you get help from all sources to find out what you need to do to make up your mind if you are going to D or R. Do not expect to get a quick answer as you may f vassalage back and forth for a while. *If you decide to R then get advice from those that have years of successful R. If you get a D then get advice from those that have years of D behind them.*


You can make your marriage work if you BOTH take the right actions for a very long time; like for years! When you find something that helps you or your wife then you must make up your mind that you are going to do it even if you do not like it. If your wife is truly remorseful and will do anything to get her and you better then she must diligently seek out every thing that will help you and her and then DO IT! She cannot depend on you to get her out of her pain because you are in too much pain to be her savior.


I would suggest that you focus on you getting stronger and if you have enough left to help your wife then do so; if not then do not feel guilty. If you are 100% sure that she is remorseful and is doing everything she can to get you and her better then you will have to decide if you are going to give her mercy. If you are in doubt that she may not be 100% remorseful then you can give her a test to see if she is. *One test is to give her some legal documents that give you what you want in case of a divorce. If she signs them you know that she is serious. If she refuses to sign then you can come to your own conclusions.*


There is absolutely nothing good about what your wife did. I will just say this; at least your wife confessed without having you find out. That is a small positive in a horrible situation but I think it is a bit harder for those that have to find out without the WS coming clean.


I have one question and this is for everybody.


*Why do some think that it is all right for a married person to go to a place and get drunk?*
It would be bad enough if your spouse was with you but without the spouse being there? That is ridiculous! Anyone that does that has no wisdom and is acting like a stupid fool!


How many times have we read about someone getting drunk and betraying their family and then crying in their beer and saying "woe is me!" They are worse than teenagers! Using the excuse that you got drunk is a punk-azz cop out because you choose to get drunk.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> How often do women you've just met offer you a blow job in the parking lot? Let me rephrase that, how often do women you've just met indicate a sexual interest in you?
> 
> .


There it is! That magic land people keep mentioning. Like a Shagri-La lamisary, but it is in a bar somewhere! The land where men get hit on and propositioned by multiple women!:rofl:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Nobody here knows if your wife only had a ONS or not. *One important thing to remember is that some couples can make a go of it even if it is not an ONS.*


THAT is a good point. Don't get depressed about this, or over-react. It is not the end of the world. And even though you feel gut punched right now, you may be able to get over it and reconcile.

Get the truth out of her, see if she genuinely wants to reconcile, then take it from there.

If everyone that cheated ended up divorced....we would have half as many marriages today as we do:rofl: i.e. a lot of couples DO work it out.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

All good just a week ago said:


> She was at the bar with friends but she said that she ditched them and left with the guy. I haven't reached out to any of her friends because I wanted to keep this between us for the time being.


 Too late, it is already not a secret between you and your wife, as your wife's friends not only know, but know more than you what happened that night. When "she ditched them and left with the guy" her friends knew what was going on with her and the other man (OM). They may not have seen them actually having sex, but they know they were up to no good when they left. The fact is the OM did not just walk up and ask her to leave with him to have sex with him. She and the OM must have been interacting and acting inappropriately in front of her friends prior to her leaving with the OM to have sex with him in the parking lot. You know that the your wife's friends were talking about it to each other and with your wife. Your wife did not just have sex with this other man, she publicly disrespected you and your marriage in front of her friends. She was anything but discreet.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> There it is! That magic land people keep mentioning. Like a Shagri-La lamisary, but it is in a bar somewhere! The land where men get hit on and propositioned by multiple women!:rofl:


Genius, remove head from arse; his wife says she blew a guy she just met in the parking lot. This happens all the time, just not to you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

BTW, Elvis has run screaming from the building.

What's with these guys?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

You know there are times I come here and I think to myself I have heard every Fd up story of betrayal possible then I read threads like these seriously you come here and tell us your wife after a few drinks meet some guy/stranger she doesn't knows and give him a BJ in a parking lot! and you're asking for advice on what to do well its simple YOU RUN YOU RUN YOUR @SS OFF.



Wife has drunken oral affair with stranger in parking lot she barely knows hmmm this is ether one F'ed up story or somebody's ****old fantasy


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Genius, remove head from arse; his wife says she blew a guy she just met in the parking lot. This happens all the time, just not to you.


Well, it's happened to me, but I knew when she did it how easy she was.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I know of a woman that spent two hours in a club parking lot after the club closed. A month later I found out she was a newly wed. I will pretty much believe anything I read here simply because I have already heard worse.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I know of a woman that spent two hours in a club parking lot after the club closed. A month later I found out she was a newly wed. I will pretty much believe anything I read here simply because I have already heard worse.


Exactly. When I was about 24 we had a trophy wife (per the ring and car and body) hijack our 17 year old bass player out of the venue we were playing. We needed to go back on after taking a break and I found him being forcibly stuffed into her Mercedes. Don't believe it? I don't care.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

A confession is good. A month later... not good. She is minimizing her actions plain and simple. She is in damage control. She goes out with her friends, with your blessing "have a good time" comment she gets under the influence and goes out to the parking lot and does oral. Moral compass is cracked sir. This is not wife material. Then again I'm only hearing your side. How is the marriage, rock solid or on a teeter totter. Red flags, lots of sex, no sex, long periods without sex. Constant excuses, headache, uti's, my feet hurt. I get bent when I hear stories like this, like there was no self control. Flat out what she did was a choice, alcohol just assisted in the choice, which was the wrong one. IMHO Get yourself checked out for std's, 180 the he!! out of her, commence the nuke attack. Make her feel your hurt, anger, shame, frustration, mind movies and everything else, btw make her sleep on the couch, that bad boy is not set up for a good nights slumber. Good luck.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

I do see the confession as a good thing. At least you know there is a very good chance she is feeling really bad about what she did. 

Maybe she did have sex with him. But also she may be telling you the truth about it just being a BJ.

If you can afford a poly its probably worthwhile. At least that way you don't have doubts. You don't want that eating at you for years to come.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> BTW, Elvis has run screaming from the building.
> 
> What's with these guys?


 Many people come here hoping against reason that we will tell them what to do to make everything the way it was before the cheating. Well that is often just not possible. We may be able to tell them what to do to better insure a true reconciliation, with some here being strong advocates of reconciliation, but that does not mean that it will every go back to the way that it was before. We also insist that if they want a real reconciliation, that for them to forgive, they need to know what they are forgiving with knowledge of the full ugly facts. These truths are often more than they can handle so they leave. I feel bad for them, because they usually did nothing to deserve this, so they are completely unprepared to have to deal with it.

We have learned on this board that if the cheater says that they only kissed one time, that it often means that they had full on intercourse. Since in the OP's case, the cheater has admitted to oral sex, what does that mean really happened? I do not think that the OP is ready to deal with that answer. It is not fair and it sucks. I wish him well.


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