# Sex in a marriage that is "starting over"



## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

After going through marriage ending crisis, rather than end it we have decided to start over, literally. No love, trust or respect, only thing keeping us together is commitment, children and his persistance to give it another chance. I wanted seperation, would not agree too with out making circumstances unbearable for me, so agreed to try to work on things with us both in house and yes in same bed...
We both agree that we want a more intimate relationship, intimate in every way, I just dont feel like I can be intimate sexually until we work on building that trust and respect, but he thinks because i am his wife it is my obligation to have sex with him no matter what, he should not have to wait till things are better...that he cant work on everything else if i am holding out on him...and that if i just give in and have sex, that will make us closer...
just hard for me because i feel if i had ever loved him, trusted or felt respected it would be easier to have blind faith that sex will lead to more intamacy, as is i just feel used and less respected than before that he can not understand my need for a little space and time to work on other issues first


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

farmgirljenny said:


> After going through marriage ending crisis, rather than end it we have decided to start over, literally. No love, trust or respect, only thing keeping us together is commitment, children and his persistance to give it another chance. I wanted seperation, would not agree too with out making circumstances unbearable for me, so agreed to try to work on things with us both in house and yes in same bed...
> We both agree that we want a more intimate relationship, intimate in every way, I just dont feel like I can be intimate sexually until we work on building that trust and respect, but he thinks because i am his wife it is my obligation to have sex with him no matter what, he should not have to wait till things are better...that he cant work on everything else if i am holding out on him...and that if i just give in and have sex, that will make us closer...
> just hard for me because i feel if i had ever loved him, trusted or felt respected it would be easier to have blind faith that sex will lead to more intamacy, as is i just feel used and less respected than before that he can not understand my need for a little space and time to work on other issues first


Are you currently in counseling? I don't know about the whole starting over thing. I think that past problems will continue to arise if they are not worked out. Probably the reason you are not feeling sexual toward him is because of the problems in the past. You can act like they aren't there, but in reality they are and even in "starting over" you seem uncomfortable with the requests/demands from him.


----------



## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

yes...we went at first together and then decided that we both had too many issues that needed work on first, so he has his therapist and i have mine...who both thought a seperation would be beneficial to give me time to sort out my feelings, but he would have no part of it


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

farmgirljenny said:


> yes...we went at first together and then decided that we both had too many issues that needed work on first, so he has his therapist and i have mine...who both thought a seperation would be beneficial to give me time to sort out my feelings, but he would have no part of it


So he won't respect your decision to separate. Doesn't seem like starting over is off to a good start. You probably feel like he is not respecting your feelings and wishes already.
Why will he not do a separation? Did he give you a reason?


----------



## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

same reasons i've read on here so far...he is insecure..feels like we cant work on us if not together..thinks once i get out, will like it,,,no sex a big part of it,,,also he read that most seperations lead to a divorce, will not be able to control me


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

farmgirljenny said:


> same reasons i've read on here so far...he is insecure..feels like we cant work on us if not together..thinks once i get out, will like it,,,no sex a big part of it,,,also he read that most seperations lead to a divorce, will not be able to control me


Do you want a separation? I would consider it a time to work on yourself. He needs to work on himself as well, but I would approach the separation as that. Time to work on ourselves individually. Do you have somewhere that you can go or that he can go?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

farmgirljenny-

You need to first make up your mind as the whether you really, really want to start over, because otherwise, you will be their in body, but not in soul.

If you want to give your love to him, you can. I was talking of the heart not sex. But sex with a wife who has no heart for you is not worth having. So, love first sex second. 

But the sex must surly come or it's not a marriage, just a shabby arrangement of two sacred people with nothing better to do.


----------



## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

yes have strongly considered...just waiting till after christmas...have made it this long, my girls are 5 and 10 so I thought should at least try to get along till after holidays..I just want to be sure that i stay in relationship for right reasons this time,not like before, and i need my space to figure that out..he does work during day, but i am so tired from when we are together that i dont think about him much when he is gone
just have a couple more weeks to either give in sexually or be prepared to fight over it..just makes it hard that he is unwillingly to just go without for only a few days


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

farmgirljenny-

All I can do here if 'fess up and hope you show mercy. I find it very hard to go without sex. To me, if the woman I am with does not want sex with me, then she does not want me. Perhaps he is a bit like me. I am not shallow, but sex is high on my agenda. My wife likes me to buy her little gifts. I don't like gifts, I like sex. We have a deal now, that she does not waste money on me - but I buy her things instead.

The other day, I was upset about something that happened (business related), and I could not sleep. She offered me sex right in the middle of the night - I was really touched. It really made me feel good - and boy we are at it 5-7 times a week anyway, but it was the sheer beauty of the way she offered herself that touched me.

If you are going to stay with him, then you may as well love him. And you may as well demonstrate that love in a format that he understands. You may be surprised at how well he reciprocates. Talk to him.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yes, sex is an important part of marriage. But there is no OBLIGATION to provide it! That concept went out with the last century. 

If you want sex, you have to feel the closeness, intimacy of sharing that with someone. If you don't feel it, don't do it. Hubby or not. 

If he persists, tell him you don't feel the love yet. If he forces it, then you've been raped.


----------



## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

I guess another part of the problem that has overlapped into the sex part is the total lack of respect that I feel he has for me..if I tell him no about anything, he stays in my face, wont drop anything and just wears me down and this is how it has also been about sex, so I feel everytime I "give in" sexually I have just given him more reason to not respect me. Important to mention before this last crisis where I hit rock bottom emotionally, financially and physically we normally had sex at least twice a week sometimes four where I was willing, somtimes initiating, what felt so disrespectful was the few times I did say no, it was a huge fight that could end in him being really pissed off and verbally abusive, so after years of this I just became accustomed to whether I wanted to or not easier to just lay there then stay up all night fighting over. His importance of his physical needs has just striped all the specialness and intimacy from out relationship and hard to go back and fix without fixing some of the emotional issues for me.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you don't put 100% of yourself into starting over, it won't work. It's your choice. The bits of you that you hold back are the bits that won't get fixed. Only you can fix you, he has no power to do that. But you could negotiate a way forward, and have fun all the way. If there is any part of you that imagines "heavy weather", then it's your own little rain cloud, not his. 

If you know that he will throw temper tantrums if you withhold sex, during your "starting over", then you are setting yourself up for failure.

I'm not condoning his behaviour, I'm just saying there is no point entering into something, if you have deliberately set it up to fail. It's no good saying, "it would work if only, he didn't throw tantrums". That is not the man you married. You have to work with what you have got in front of you, not what you would like to have - that is just a flight of fancy. If you talk to other women on here, they'll tell you, the real worry is when your man does not want sex with you - then you have a problem and a half.

Communication is the key. You can train him to be your ideal lover, it's not hard, it just takes two willing people. There are a lot of women on this forum who have trained their men to be bad lovers. Then they go right off them.


----------



## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> If you don't put 100% of yourself into starting over, it won't work. It's your choice. The bits of you that you hold back are the bits that won't get fixed. Only you can fix you, he has no power to do that. But you could negotiate a way forward, and have fun all the way. If there is any part of you that imagines "heavy weather", then it's your own little rain cloud, not his.
> 
> If you know that he will throw temper tantrums if you withhold sex, during your "starting over", then you are setting yourself up for failure.
> 
> ...


LIsten to Mark that is sage advice.

My question to you is: what else is there that causes you to recoil at the thought of sex with him. 

You have emotional barriers getting in the way of having the sex. What really would remove the barriers. What IF you had sex with him everytime he wanted and enjoyed it? Men need sex to feel fullfilled. He may not react correctly at the rejection but at least he still desires you.


----------



## Marriage Coach (Dec 19, 2008)

Have you considered adding couples counseling in addition to seeing your own therapists? That would give you a common forum in which to discuss this issue. While working on yourselves separately sounds like a good idea, it also sounds like having a safe place to discuss this hot topic would be beneficial. 

While men often feel connection through sex, females usually need connection in order to want sex. It's a bit of a conundrum, but one approach is to concentrate on building romance and connection in other ways besides sex. Having dinner without any arguments, lighting candles, giving a backrub without it going anywhere, having your spouse do the laundry for you - all of these can be forms of foreplay, which might be all you are open to for now.

As echoed in others' posts, neither party should engage in sex if it is not wanted. Sometimes in a marriage, commitment to stay in it is all one has while other issues are examined and worked on. 

Take time with it, and explore your not wanting sex and his expecting sex with your therapists. It might also help to have each others therapists consult with each other.

Best wishes,
Cris Walker Roskelley, Marriage Coach
www.MarinCountyCounseling.com

_Disclaimer: The information and advice contained in or made available through sender's posts or messaging is not intended to replace the services of a trained mental health professional nor is it to be considered professional advice or any type of therapeutic contract or relationship. Sender makes no representations or warranties with respect to any information offered or provided within regarding treatment, action, or application of advice, suggestions, or opinion. Sender will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary, or other damages arising there from._


----------

