# Ending 18 year marriage



## satrap (Nov 9, 2013)

I value this forum and want people's feedback on my situation. I'm a physician whose been married and in a mutually faithful marriage, producing 2 good kids (of course- ha ha) and a few decent memories along the way. My wife, who is a lawyer by training (but never practice) has been a stay-at-home with what I consider so-so parenting instincts and abilities, but of course that's life. 

What I've realized, over the last few years and especially the last two, is that I don't care for being around my wife, really desire her affection, and don't love her in any marital way. I don't want to see her sad and we don't fight. I'd use a cliche to say "we've grown apart" but I think the marriage was always somewhat aberrant and more like a mild friendship with sex rather than what you'd consider a good marriage. It was easy to suppress this knowledge when my kids were younger and I immersed myself in them, but now the youngest is 13 and I have developed major anxiety and depression over a marital situation that gives me no hope for a satisfying future. I don't think my wife is thrilled, but I think she's satisfied enough.

Does ANYBODY have this experience? Two faithful partners simply living distant parallel tracks? What did you do?


----------



## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

satrap said:


> I value this forum and want people's feedback on my situation. I'm a physician whose been married and in a mutually faithful marriage, producing 2 good kids (of course- ha ha) and a few decent memories along the way. My wife, who is a lawyer by training (but never practice) has been a stay-at-home with what I consider so-so parenting instincts and abilities, but of course that's life.
> 
> What I've realized, over the last few years and especially the last two, is that I don't care for being around my wife, really desire her affection, and don't love her in any marital way. I don't want to see her sad and we don't fight. I'd use a cliche to say "we've grown apart" but I think the marriage was always somewhat aberrant and more like a mild friendship with sex rather than what you'd consider a good marriage. It was easy to suppress this knowledge when my kids were younger and I immersed myself in them, but now the youngest is 13 and I have developed major anxiety and depression over a marital situation that gives me no hope for a satisfying future. I don't think my wife is thrilled, but I think she's satisfied enough.
> 
> Does ANYBODY have this experience? Two faithful partners simply living distant parallel tracks? What did you do?


 Did you ever consider that she may feel exactly the same way? You may have more in common than you think. At least try to communicate more deeply with her and think about going to counseling together. A marriage is too precious to walk away from unless you have tried everything to save it.

I have felt this way at times with my husband. We have been married for 26 years. We have had to work at building our marriage and it is better now than it ever was, by far. He is also a physician whose work has become very difficult and exhausting. Because of that we have had to work harder at making special times for ourselves. I hope you can find your way back to having a great marriage.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I can tell you this my friend and be extremely patient and careful as you decide your direction.

My wife of 22 years got that I am not happy bug and she left being very firm about me not getting my hopes up for R.

I started seeing someone about three months after she left. Well, 14 months later she wants to R. Guess what, in less than a year and a half the two of us managed to destroy what should have been a lifelong partnership and dare I say love affair.

Translation, separate if you must to make a decision from your heart. Set strict rules for your separation, no dating if you really want to see what your feelings are and a time frame 6-12 months. (in my opinion)

My W and I could have overcome our hurdle with the right guidance but instead we destroyed our marriage.

Be smart, be patient and remember, you cannot undo some of the decisions you make in the near future.

Stretch


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Until you have spent Christmas, birthdays, etc away from your kids, you don't really understand what you are giving up here. 

Something made you get down on one knee and ask her to marry you... what was it? She must have some rather redeeming qualities other than intelligence. 

You say that she has subpar parenting skills, and yet you have good kids - the byproduct of her "lackadaisical" skills as their primary caregiver. 

Have you ever heard of the saying that marriage is like a box... completely empty until you put something into it? You get out of marriage what you put into it. So if the relationship is faltering the onus of such lies as much on you as it does her. Have you tried discussing this with her at all? 

Kids are no reason to stay in a miserable marriage... but if mine had even been okay I'd have done what I could to save it. But then again, I know what it feels like to wake up on Christmas morning to an empty home.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I'm in a similar spot with my wife. I just don't feel strongly for her anymore, am not attracted to her and don't care to be around her.

We have been married 24 years, three teenagers that are good kids and we both love them dearly. My wife has been a SAHM for 16 years but her priorities are askew.

She has changed a lot, isn't any fun anymore, is a taskmaster and a major pack rat, she keeps appearance less than desirable and has a few minor hygiene issues. She is probably depressed, OCD and has had a few minor health issues. She doesn't care much for sex and I think the hygiene issues are there to repel me....ahem. Anyway, my choice to stay is purely a matter of finance and convenience, my last child is 14, I can wait a little longer.

You will know when it's finally time to end it


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like if you were in a job that you no longer liked. Maybe when you were young the job was exciting and new, but over time the job/you/both have changed and you don't enjoy it anymore. So you're wondering if you should stay, because you're comfortable in the role and the job has good benefits, or leave and try to find something which makes you happy again. But maybe if you leave, you won't find something better and you'll regret leaving. It's hard to know. 

Since you have a 13-year-old, I would suggest you commit to sticking it out until he's at least 16. The middle-school ages are really tough on kids and events can have long-lasting emotional impacts. By 16, he'll be more mature and independent and will be better able to handle a divorce.

Bring up your issues with your wife, but don't expect her to change into a new person to meet your needs. Likely, you wouldn't do the same for her. But, hopefully, you can work together so that things are better in the short term and you can see where it leads. Speaking with a marriage counselor could be beneficial in your situation.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Stretch said:


> I can tell you this my friend and be extremely patient and careful as you decide your direction.
> 
> My wife of 22 years got that I am not happy bug and she left being very firm about me not getting my hopes up for R.
> 
> ...


 :iagree:


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Well said Stretch....very well said


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

The first step before making any rash decisions (I have been going through this) is to do Marriage counselling and individual counselling. There are probably a lot of things going on under the surface that you need to discover before you can make such a big decision. People can change, feelings can change. I've been doing IC and MC for a year now. I'm not saying we are staying together, but the year's work has really opened my eyes and his. We are better parents, communicate better, etc… there is still not much between us, but we have "aired our dirty laundry" and it's a much more honest place to operate from.

If you've stopped communicating or perhaps never did, then it really helps to hear where your partner is in all of this.


----------

