# My husband is bisexual; he hid it from me



## flummox (Jun 22, 2018)

I’m not really sure how to start this. So to just dive right into it, my husband is bisexual. I have been debating writing this for a while… I think the answers that I will get will be to suck it up, I married him, it’s in the past, and it doesn’t matter. 

My husband and I have been together for 15 years (married for 6 years). In all that time I have not been close to his friends, usually seeing them once a year. I have social anxiety and I’m happier to stay home than go out, my husband knew that from the beginning and it has never been a problem for us. We also have kids and I am the one to stay home with them. My husband has never shown much interest in me going out with his friends, or putting in an effort to find a sitter. But like I said, I didn’t want to go anyway. Still, now it feels like he was keeping me from his friends for a reason or he was happy that I didn’t want to be around them, for a reason… I could be overthinking, I tend to do that, but that’s how I feel right now. He has had the same friends since grade school, with very little change. 

Two months ago I found out my husband is bisexual, from a friend of his that I rarely see and don’t really know. He was drunk and slipped it into the conversation like it was nothing. My shock made him realize that I didn’t know. My husband had sexual relationships (never anything but sex) with men in high school and college. 

My husband keeps lying to me about it. When I asked him about it he denied it. Then he said it was only touching one time, while drunk for a dare. Then it was a few times, but only touching. Then he received a blowjob once. Then he received blowjobs sometimes but it was only a kink he wasn’t sexually attracted. Then it was penetrating someone once, but still only a kink. Then it was….. etc, etc, etc. 

The story constantly changes and it drives me crazy. Why can’t he just be honest? I am the least judgemental person in that regard. I am a huge advocate for LGBTQ, he knows that. I work for a company that services transgender children and adults. Some of the people I am closest to are LGBTQ. So why hide it? Of all people, especially his wife. I wouldn’t have cared if he would have told me earlier in our relationship. I understand the shame, fear or embarrassment, I get it. But I’m his wife! In 15 years he couldn’t tell me? I’ve told him much, much worse. 

When we first got together he said he would never ask my number of sexual partners or pry in anyway, but told me his sexual history. He volunteered that information, even when I said I didn’t want to know. He said he wanted me to know so I knew who I was with and what I was agreeing to. But it was a lie… He left out a huge chunk. He never mentioned men. It doesn’t matter what his “number” is, it matters that he lied and it was totally voluntary. It’s not as if he was put on the spot and lied out of fear, he chose to bring it up and lie. Maybe he was just testing the water with how I’d take the very high number, but he never came clean with the rest. I don’t think I handled the situation poorly. I was surprised, but it didn’t change anything and I didn’t react negatively. 

It makes me wonder what else he has hid or lied about. Has he seen other men during our relationship/marriage? He has many male friends, that he spends a lot of time with. He doesn’t have many female friends (only the wives of his friends). The rational part of me says no, of course not. Being attracted to males and females doesn’t mean someone is going the cheat. The emotional part of me wonders who he’d see, when, where, etc. I have asked him if he’s been with a man during our marriage/relationship and he said no. I have trouble believing that because his story has changed so much. He is still my husband though, and the man I married wouldn’t cheat on me. I overthink far too much. 

Looking back, and again probably overthinking, I can’t help but feel like I missed warning signs. Maybe I’m not attentive enough as a wife. I feel like I am an open, understanding person but obviously not because he wasn’t comfortable enough to confide in me. My husband’s sexual preferences are not his fault or something that he chose. He did choose to hide it and lie, that is what upsets me. 

Has anyone else experienced this? It’s not something that I can talk to friends or family about as it’s none of their business. What do I do to help my husband feel able to be open and honest with me? How can I be a better wife for him? I want him to want to confide in me, not just feel obligated to tell me. Since finding this information out he has become more distant and changed in some ways. I understand that he’s uncomfortable, we are both processing the new information. I don’t want this to be the start of the end of our marriage, not at all. I just don’t know where to go from here to make our marriage stronger rather than letting this ruin it. I have suggested couples therapy, but my husband is not interested. He says it’s a waste of money and that we don’t need it. I have no idea if it’d be of value or not, but if he doesn’t want to do it then it doesn’t matter. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this and will regret it tomorrow, right now I just need to get it out...


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## flummox (Jun 22, 2018)

rabbithabit said:


> do you consider it cheating if he is sexually active with a guy or just if he was sexual with a chick?. liars will always lie. it is a sickness and a game they play to see how often caught. you should make babysit arrangements and spend more time socially with him. since he is hanging out with mostly men you can bet one or more is his lover. you need make list of all his lies and confront him with list, tell him lies are not acceptable anymore in your relationship if he wants to remain with him. tell him anymore lies will result in definitive actions on your part. tell him you want a truthful relationship as you are honest and 100% dedicated to him.
> 
> how is your sex life is he giving you regular sexual satisfaction? has the frequency or techniques changed during your relationship? this problem will not go away without action from you. god only knows how many lies he is feeding you.


It would be cheating regardless of the other person being male or female… That aspect doesn’t make a difference. I want to protect my husband and say that he’s not cheating, that he’d never do that, that he’s not that man, so why do I feel so unsure… He has been my partner for 15 years, I should trust that he would never betray me in that way. If his friend hadn’t brought it up, I wouldn’t ever be wondering about him cheating. The thought of him cheating with one of his male friends makes me sick. Not because it’s two men, that doesn’t phase me, but because it would have been happening right under my nose for years while I was oblivious. That isn’t something he’d do… I do need to tell him that the lies have to stop, but I want him to be honest with me because he wants to not because he feels forced to. 

Our sex life isn’t great. He complains about it sometimes but doesn’t do anything to change it. Our sex life went from great to not great about 12 years ago, after our first child was born. It never really recovered. How he acted, responded, what he wanted changed, but I wouldn’t say our sex life recovered. Sex has become a release for him, more than anything else. I don’t have a high libido anymore, so it isn’t a huge problem. His decreased significantly as well. If his sexual preferences have influenced that then I think that is important to know, but he denies that. He would know better than I do, as it's his own body and thoughts.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You are very understanding and fair. I can appreciate your desire for honesty and candor but not sure how this would work in practice- going out to the gay bar, be back tomorrow. No reason to believe he has been with other women but he has been unfaithful with men. Maybe if everything is all right that is not a deal breaker but obviously many women would not tolerate this particularly when he does not indicate he will stop or acknowledge what he has been doing.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife came out to me as bi about 7 years into our marriage. She found a perfect solution. She hooked me up with her best friend since they were teens, who had a crush on me and me on her. Later on I invited my wife to join in and encouraged her to show her girlfriend how much she really loves her. That is when I found out that her girlfriend is bi and so is my wife. In all fairness, back in our day not even the gay/lesbian community believed in bisexuality and my wife would be labeled as a lesbian and she knew that she was not that. So she was confused and got to the point where she was fantasizing about women all the time and had to do something about it.

We were all perfect for each other. We gave our girlfriend her own room in our house and we were a triad for 30 years and sexual with each other singularly or in a threesome. It was terrible for me to have a threesome almost every night but I would do anything for my wife.  I know I am one lucky SOB. However, I am aware of the problems male bisexuals have. While our girlfriend wanted me to perform oral on a guy, my wife wanted no part of it. She said it would ruin her image of me as the tough alpha male who makes her feel safe and protected. I have had sex in my teen years with two gay friends. While I am not repulsed by male on male sex, I am also not sexually attracted to men. 

So I am aware of the ready acceptance of bi girls and not so ready acceptance of bi guys. No one cheers for guys to kiss in bars or asks them to put on a show for them. There is a totally different view of bi males that is not fair but still exists today. For us it worked out because we shared each other which avoided problems of who spent more time with who. We went out as a threesome and did most things together. My marriage was the primary relationship and our girlfriend knew this without us telling her. In truth, we never even had an argument with her as she accepted that she was our secondary relationship. After she got married we respected her marriage as her primary too. We were a perfect storm of poly people who complimented each other with a trace of jealousy. We never even talked about our lifestyle. We never used the word poly or bisexual. It was just our normal life during our 46 years of marriage and the only life we knew as adults. 

Before I married I lived with a bi girl and it was difficult. Logistically she could not be in two places at the same time during holidays. Sometimes I felt like I was in second place to her girlfriend when they were excited about something like a vacation or new fetish between them. They already had a male in their relationship and did not want another because two alpha males will bump heads. It was also emotionally draining. I would feel unloved at times and wonder what my girlfriend was doing with her girlfriend and their boyfriend. Most times I could taste the guy on her when she came home and she wanted me to by not showering first. Then it got out of hand with my girlfriend dating my close friends and finally asking them in front of me to gang bang her. That was when I found my limits and kicked her out of the house. 

None of our friends who did not share an outside lover lasted. Then again many monogamous people also divorce. My best friend left his wife for a female lover who wanted her to himself. She was younger and never had kids while his wife had 2 kids and her body showed it. Another friend, this time the wife, ran off with her boss. When we first started our triad our girlfriend and I dated others. She got pregnant somehow by one of four guys. I got an STD from a sweet submissive secretary of mine. After that we became polyfidelitous as they call it now. My wife had no problem with me having sex with her girlfriend alone. In fact, she often encouraged it when she was not in the mood. 

My point is that we made it work, but I think the key to making it last is to share the same lover. It is very difficult for most to share someone they love, especially knowing that they lack the thing that the other lover can provide. Hope you figure it out as we did.


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## flummox (Jun 22, 2018)

I'm not interested in an open marriage... That isn't the type of marriage that I want and isn't what I see as a marriage. I don't think my husband wants that either. Being bisexual doesn't mean he NEEDS to be with both genders. I don't have any evidence that he's cheating or has cheated. Overthinking is the only thing that brings that up. It's not fair to say that he is without a doubt cheating. I'm not going to convict him like he has... I just want our marriage to go back to how it was.... Feeling open, honest, close. I want the distance from him to stop, I don't care about his past.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you want and what he wants may be totally different things at this point. If he doesn't want to work on your marriage then obviously that's his decision to make. That leaves you with two choices.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@flummox, 

Just because he is bisexual doesn't NECESSARILY mean he is wanting to be with both genders nor that he is acting sexually with others. It just means that he has the ability to be attracted to both males and females. It may be that he loves who he loves--no matter what their gender--and then stays faithful to that partner while he's with them. It may be that he finds some beauty in each gender. It may be that he could go either way, married you, and chose to go the heterosexual route while he's with you. 

My point here is just that bisexual does not equal "unfaithful," nor does it equal "not wanting you" or "something is lacking in you." You happen to find the opposite gender attractive and same gender is fine but not a sexual attraction; he happens to find both genders attractive...that's it. So if nothing else, don't equate bisexuality and infidelity or lack on your part. 

It seems to me that the BIG issue here is not his sexual past, although that is a shock, but rather the betrayal of not being transparent with you. Now, had he come to you in the beginning and said, "Hey in my past I did have a male whom I loved and we had sex, but once I met you, I made a choice to be with you and focus on the pleasure of opposite sex" you would have maybe thought "Hmmm..." but his actions over the years would have shown that he chose you. Since he HID THAT from you all these years, what's bugging you is now you wonder "What else did he hide? Have I been made a fool of? How much of what I thought was real really IS real?" etc. Right?

I think that's the thing you need to address within yourself and with him... the betrayal. It wouldn't hurt to talk about whether he's seeking out men for sex right now or since you've been married, but again, just remember that because you can love either gender doesn't necessarily mean that you act on it. But keeping a secret like that from you for all those years--a decade and a half--that's pretty significant betrayal, and I think that's the part that's really doing the damage.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First I agree with @Affaircare being bisexual does not mean he would or has cheated. As you have a deep involvement with the LGTBQ community I think you must know that people being other than heterosexual does not change their overall basic morality or integrity. There are heterosexual cheaters and LGBTQ cheaters, the cheating is a personality trait that is not tied to their sexual preference. I would ask you to think about this. Do you feel the need to know every detail about his sexual past with women? I kind of chalk things up to the past is the past what matters is now. He was obviously uncomfortable discussing it with you for whatever reason. 

If you think you still need to know every little detail you could request that you two have a long discussion about all your sexual past. Full detail about every guy you fooled around with every sex act you did with each guy etc. And he can tell you about every guy and woman and details. Sell it as something fun and sexy. Maybe then you will get enough detailed info that you will be able to let it go, tell him to finish with his details about women I think that will sit better in your brain. 

There are men out there who have fooled around with same sex partners, out of curiosity or for whatever reason, but still consider themselves straight so he could be in that category. He may be embarrassed about his past and just wants to forget it. That is probably why he doesn't want to do counseling. It will probably help for you to go on your own though. 

I think to keep from damaging your marriage over something that has no real impact on your relationship (unless you have actual reason to believe he is up to some shenanigans) you need to let this go. Unfortunately it sounds like this knowledge has led you to believe he is someone other than who you thought he was, he is not his sexuality.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

flummox said:


> I’m not really sure how to start this. So to just dive right into it, my husband is bisexual. I have been debating writing this for a while… I think the answers that I will get will be to suck it up, I married him, it’s in the past, and it doesn’t matter.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 15 years (married for 6 years). In all that time I have not been close to his friends, usually seeing them once a year. I have social anxiety and I’m happier to stay home than go out, my husband knew that from the beginning and it has never been a problem for us. We also have kids and I am the one to stay home with them. My husband has never shown much interest in me going out with his friends, or putting in an effort to find a sitter. But like I said, I didn’t want to go anyway. Still, now it feels like he was keeping me from his friends for a reason or he was happy that I didn’t want to be around them, for a reason… I could be overthinking, I tend to do that, but that’s how I feel right now. He has had the same friends since grade school, with very little change.
> 
> ...



Are you asking if anyone else has experienced a husband who lies about his private sex thoughts/feelings/actions?

How high can I raise my hand?

May I address your husband for a minute? (I am the wife in my own relationship...)

Fine sir: You need to completely, completely turn to your wife and trust her with ALL of your personal self if you want to remain in any kind of relationship with her. You will feel so relieved to drop the lies and open up to someone who clearly loves you completely. Although my husband is not bi or homosexual, he did the same kind of lying about his severe attraction to other women. He even went so far as to date some of them while he was out of town or overseas. I'm sure he would have had sex with them had the opportunities progressed that far. He just loves sex. But I had no clue about any of that until we started having open/honest conversation. I had no idea he masterbated daily. I didn't know he wanted to have sex daily - even so far as multiple times daily. Is any of this sounding familiar? So, okay, your attraction is to guys also. It doesn't matter. The point is that this is your sexuality and you have a partner who wants to be part of that life. It's not your sexuality that's the problem. It's the SECRETS that's the problem. No relationship - no kind of relationship, whether business, friendship, partnership or marriage - will thrive under the pressure of deception. Free yourself.

M'Lady: You are completely right to expect openness and honesty in this relationship. You are willing and he will become willing as he sees that you are going to continue to accept him and trust him MORE when he expresses himself more and more openly. 

How do you do it? 

Talk to each other. Get that stuff out there. Wake up in the morning and say "Geez, I'm horny." "Damn, your ass looks fine in those shorts, I want you right here and now." "I saw this guy the other day and the gym and he was hot." Get that stuff out there.

My husband and I have been at this conversation thing for three years and very intensely the past few weeks. He really, really had a hard time with opening up completely and I just kept at him. We even went so far as to just walk around the house naked/I watched him masturbate while talking about someone else who turned him on/He talked about people he saw during the day who turned him on/He looked at pictures and told me who he'd like to ****/ etc. It has been some powerful reality. 

Am I different? Yeah, I am. But, you know what? That's also got to be okay. We don't have to be "matchy-matchy". My brain is different than his and I am learning and he is learning to respect that even though we think differently about sex, we still love each other and can find lots of common ground.

Because every couple gets to define their own relationship. 

The only way that can happen, though, is if both people have all of the same information. That's what openness and honesty does.

You can't believe how happy my husband is now. He's a different guy. 

Was it hard? Yes, it was hard and there are times when more and more feelings get processed. But I tell my husband what I need from him when I get down in that hole where I get to thinking "Oh, it's my fault that I'm 'not enough.'" I tell him that I need reassurance that he loves me and wants me for all the things that I am. I make him explain his thinking about how he is able to separate sex from love and intimacy. 

How your conversations will go depends on the personalities of the two of you. But my husband and I are on the other side of the shock - and what we can say to you is that there is a lot of great things ahead for both of you if you will take the chance on being open and honest.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Are you wondering that if he had told you the truth, you would not have married him? Do you think that because he hid the truth you were not able to make the right decision for yourself?

Because as much as I loved my husband before we got married and he had told me this...I would not have married him. Because I would always have that question in my mind...would he want to do that again? And every time he is away from me I would wonder what he is doing. Every male relationship would be suspect.

If I found out after years of marriage, I might have to trust and hope that he would be faithful to me. It would take alot of trust and faith in him, in order to continue the marriage. I would have to have a good understanding of the man that he is today to make that decision. 

You have alot of trust issues at this time. Don't make any hasty decisions. Talk to your husband, understand what he is saying and figure out if you can accept who he is.

Good luck.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

flummox said:


> IOur sex life isn’t great. He complains about it sometimes but doesn’t do anything to change it. Our sex life went from great to not great about 12 years ago, after our first child was born. It never really recovered.


You have two very serious issues in your marriage that have it on the brink of ending: keeping his sexuality secret and the state of your sex life today. While they are both pretty bad, it's probably the state of your sex life that's the most serious problem. Lack of intimacy ends marriages all the time. Lying about sexual past happens all the time as well (number of partners, sexuality, etc.). However, if it truly is in the past, the couple can often work to move past it and it never becomes an issue again. But the lack of intimacy is often a chronic problem that eventually causes the marriage to wither away and die.

I don't mean to minimize his lying. You have every right to be upset about his hiding his sexuality. It is a major issue and was a violation of trust for him not to tell you. Whether or not he was ashamed of it, he should have told you so you could decide what to do. But now that you're here, it's important not to lump all the problems in your marriage on this lie. The lie is very bad, but it is possible to repair the damage and rebuilt trust. But keep in mind that the intimacy issue will also need to be fixed if the marriage is to survive. (Obviously not right now with what you're dealing with.)


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## flummox (Jun 22, 2018)

I would have married him regardless. It doesn’t bother me that he’s had sex with men. I honestly don’t care about that, I care that he lied and hid information. I definitely don’t think that because he’s bisexual that he’s automatically a cheater or a sex crazed man who needs to have sex with everyone. Being lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, transgender, is irrelevant to whether someone is a good or bad person. 

That being said, I am wondering and worrying about his male friendships. I can’t help but let my mind wander there. I know that being bisexual does not mean he HAS to have both males and females. I don’t know where to draw the line in what is ok and what is not ok. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband going out to a movie alone with a female. I wouldn’t be ok with him spending the night at a females house. He does those things with male friends, but I can’t expect him to have no friends. So where is the line supposed to be. Most of his friends are male, with the only females being the wives of his male friends. Those friends have always felt like more of a priority to him than I am, something he is aware of but has never changed. As an example, he will see what his friends are up to and if there is nothing going on THEN he will spend time with me. If I ask him to do something with me, he checks what his friends are up to first. It has been that way for at least 12 years. 

I don’t want to know every details of every woman he has been with, or man. The thought of sitting down and listening to him relive all of his experiences makes me want to vomit. Those are images that I DO NOT want in my head. When we first got together knowing that he had a large sexual past was hard for me and I did struggle with it. I kept it to myself, but I wondered a lot. I’m glad that I never asked for more information. I knew how many women, and that was it. I haven’t thought about it or worried myself over it in 10+ years. 

My husband knows every sexual experience I’ve ever had. They have all been with him. Learning that he was with men is a new shock. Maybe it will be like 15 years ago and once the shock wears off I will forget about it. 

It is true that I shouldn’t lump all of our problems together. Our sex life has been a problem long before I knew about him being bisexual. It has been pushed to the back burner for so long that now it’s coming back up and it’s hard to separate them. I can’t help but wonder is our sex life bad because he isn’t as interested in me or because he wants something (someone) else. Logically I know that’s not the case, I’m too emotional right now. 

I know that our sex life isn’t good. I’d love to fix it, but I have no idea how to do so. Especially when my husband doesn’t seem to have an interest in fixing it, which he says is due to age, age lowering his libido and being use to how it is now. Our sex life has been bad for so long (12 years) that it all feels normal and I don’t know where or how I’d start.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

It's a case of deception..........I'd lose the bum.......


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

flummox said:


> I just want our marriage to go back to how it was.... Feeling open, honest, close. I want the distance from him to stop, I don't care about his past.


 You may have felt open, honest, and close but you were duped, it was all an act. So, unfortunately, there is no honesty to go back to. He's not who you thought he was.


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