# Sexual Aversion to My Husband



## StayorGoA (Feb 18, 2015)

I need help. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, we have a beautiful 6 year old son, and seemingly the perfect life (to outsiders).
But, about 3 years into our marriage, something changed. I can't place it specifically, but I know it happened around the time I went back to school for a second degree. I was working full time, taking care of a household and baby, and going to school at night. Now, I have been clinically depressed for years, but have been on treatment since first diagnosis as well as going through multiple bouts of therapy. But, I was extremely stressed out and had a few breakthrough depressive symptoms here and there. H didn't handle this well at all. He would give me the silent treatment when I would tell him I was just sad and stressed and there was nothing he could do to fix it, or he would yell and ask me if I had gone off my meds. No matter how he reacted, it wasn't lovingly. I began to have no interest in sex, but would do it anyway because if I didn't he would pout and make me feel almost worthless. Months turned into years. I asked for counseling, to which he said he would go, but he never would follow through on it. Turns out, that was like several other things in our marriage...it took 3 years for him to put on the weatherproofing on windows and doors after buying it. The only thing he really gave effort and interest to was work. We could be on a date on a Saturday night, he'd get an email from a customer and it couldn't even wait until I was driving us home. He had to answer right away. Same story years later and we have "survived" one 6 month separation. I left and came home. Long story. But, I am right back where I was before I left the first time. We're roommates. I have no desire to have sex with him. Actually, he makes my skin crawl. I am disgusted by his kiss and his touch. I want out so badly, but my child was placed in the middle last time, and I don't want that to happen again. But, how do you overcome the fact that your husband makes you nauseous when he touches you? Are we too far gone?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sounds too far gone to me.

Makes your skin crawl is pretty bad.

How about trying an honest fair as possible split for the god of all. 
Good luck


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Do you want to save your marriage or do you want help ending it?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It does sound too far gone. 

Some relationships SHOULD end. So both people can go on and have a happy, positive, productive life. 

So start planning the divorce with the child in mind. Some couples go through a child psychologist, to plan each step with the children in mind.


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## StayorGoA (Feb 18, 2015)

Thanks y'all. I want out. Last time, H was very manipulative about the things he would tell our Son. I signed us up for counseling for S, and we finished a 12 week series that taught us how to help him with his emotions. I'll try to revisit those notes from those sessions. 
We're both still young. H is really a good guy, and I want both him and I to be able to find happiness.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You descibe a bad guy but your last statement is that he is a really good guy. I find that odd.

Unless he acts in a way that is attractive to you, then you will not be attracted to him. You can't make him change. The only thing you can do is motivate him to change.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

StayorGoA said:


> Thanks y'all. I want out. Last time, H was very manipulative about the things he would tell our Son. I signed us up for counseling for S, and we finished a 12 week series that taught us how to help him with his emotions. I'll try to revisit those notes from those sessions.
> We're both still young. H is really a good guy, and I want both him and I to be able to find happiness.


Then rip the bandaid off and do it clean.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He didn't support you emotionally during your time of need (depression, time alone). He shows you not enough patience, or understanding. As a consequence, you have developed an aversion to him because of his emotional distance and uncaring attitude.

But you say he is a good guy also. In what ways is he a 'good guy'?

Can those 'good guy' characteristics somehow overcome the emotional stunting and help make him attractive to you again?

It would seem MC might be very helpful, unless you are bidding your time waiting for the right time to leave. But MC maybe before that to see if it is salvagable. Does he love you? Truly?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

StayorGoA said:


> Thanks y'all. I want out. * Last time, H was very manipulative about the things he would tell our Son. *I signed us up for counseling for S, and we finished a 12 week series that taught us how to help him with his emotions. I'll try to revisit those notes from those sessions.
> We're both still young. H is really a good guy, and I want both him and I to be able to find happiness.


This, with the other things you listed on how he treated you during your stress / depression times....

I'm failing to see how he's a good guy. A good guy wouldn't manipulate things said to a 6 year old.


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## StayorGoA (Feb 18, 2015)

Well, in some ways he is a good guy. He's driven, he's a good provider, when he's happy he's fun. He's not a good guy for me, but I think with the right person he could be a good partner. 

All of this is so scary. I'm terrified of losing everything because of legal fees. We moved into a new house last March and the mortgage is a lot more than what we were in before. I know this is a lot, but I have no one I can talk to. I keep thinking back to last time and thinking how I could have been well past all of this by now.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Mother nature designed you to be promiscuous. Your hormones never stop changing so your sexual attraction is every changing. Your design to mother three to five children all with different fathers. The bible is used to control your sexuality to insure your husband paternity. He can have several wives but you can have no one husband. During the middle ages they use to put women in chastity belts, now we use threats. You will be become sexually dysfunctional if you stay with your husband. It not his fault or yours!... blame mother nature!... your promiscuous by design to ensure survival of the species. 

Most every ones understanding of human sexuality comes from 'hear-say' learned in grade school, based on Christian beliefs.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

StayorGoA said:


> Well, in some ways he is a good guy. He's driven, he's a good provider, when he's happy he's fun. He's not a good guy for me, but I think with the right person he could be a good partner.
> 
> All of this is so scary. I'm terrified of losing everything because of legal fees. We moved into a new house last March and the mortgage is a lot more than what we were in before. I know this is a lot, but I have no one I can talk to. I keep thinking back to last time and thinking how I could have been well past all of this by now.


Step 1: see a lawyer confidentially and figure out what your options are. Decide on your next course of action after that.

Until that time, you're just guessing.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Melvynman said:


> Mother nature designed you to be promiscuous. Your hormones never stop changing so your sexual attraction is every changing. Your design to mother three to five children all with different fathers. The bible is used to control your sexuality to insure your husband paternity. He can have several wives but you can have no one husband. During the middle ages they use to put women in chastity belts, now we use threats. You will be become sexually dysfunctional if you stay with your husband. It not his fault or yours!... blame mother nature!... your promiscuous by design to ensure survival of the species.
> 
> Most every ones understanding of human sexuality comes from 'hear-say' learned in grade school, based on Christian beliefs.



Again, research shows that females are more likely to mate poach than a male. Another female would have no issues stealing a mate away and have her new mate provide resource for her and her children. Males will leave older women to father children with younger females. What is your point. We are designed to be serial monogamers, not just women. If you want to go down that natural route, then males should abandon their children for their new family if another woman steals away her mate. So, if you want to go down that natural route, females from age 18 to 25 are shown to be at the age of best child rearing years. They recover faster, and it is the most fertile time of their lives. A 35 year old man should abandon his family so he can pass down his genetics with a younger woman who is more fertile.

So, when she is past her prime, her new mate should abandon her for a younger female who could help spread his genetics. That is the flip side.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Again, research shows that females are more likely to mate poach than a male. Another female would have no issues stealing a mate away and have her new mate provide resource for her and her children. Males will leave older women to father children with younger females. What is your point. We are designed to be serial monogamers, not just women. If you want to go down that natural route, then males should abandon their children for their new family if another woman steals away her mate. So, if you want to go down that natural route, females from age 18 to 25 are shown to be at the age of best child rearing years. They recover faster, and it is the most fertile time of their lives. A 35 year old man should abandon his family so he can pass down his genetics with a younger woman who is more fertile.
> 
> So, when she is past her prime, her new mate should abandon her for a younger female who could help spread his genetics. That is the flip side.


My point is for HER to understand her sexual desire. The good news is women can support themselves these days and courts will make sure the husband pays his fair share!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

StayorGoA said:


> I need help.
> 
> ....I asked for counseling, to which he said he would go, but he never would follow through on it.
> 
> ...


Wow, there probably was a time that my wife may have felt much like you do. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

Are you too far gone? Only if you both feel you are. I sense uncertainty on your part. MW Davis has a great book the Sex Starved Marriage. You might want to get it and read it as a starting point.

In my sex starved marriage, according to Chapman's 5 languages of Love, I need to be touched and needed to have words of affirmation. When my wife emotionally checked out of our marriage I got neither. So I ended up working more to be a good provider for my wife and children, as that was what good husbands were suppose to do. I quickly gained more repsonsibility and soon commanded a 6 figure salary and had lots of people reporting to me. I got the words of affirmation I had hoped my wife would provide from co-workers and peers. 

My working more just about destroyed my marriage and my wife's two principal languages of love are quality time and acts of service. We were in a downward spiral where we were not meeting each others needs and had been for decades, not just 6 or so years. 

My wife constantly rejected me sexually. When she did allow sex she would do incredibly emotionally cruel things to me. The worst was when I was trying to make love to her and she looked at me, said she had an early meeting at work in the morning and that she was going to roll over and go to sleep in 5 minutes so I had better hurry up. That was the last straw for me. I pulled out looked at her and told her I deserved far better.

It took time and I read a ton of realtionship books. Ultimately, I decided I wanted to try to save my marriage. I forgave my wife. I got a life, where I had other sources of satisfaction, happiness and pride besides her. I got physically fit, lost weight and through myself into hobbies and endurance sports. I also started to make sure my wifes emotional needs were meet and I even figured out to provide her unconditional love, while at the same time not pressuring her about sex and not expecting sex, which she repeatedly said was what she had wanted. I also apologized to her explaining how I now understood some of the things I had done to hurt her (not giving her the quality time she had needed or any of the acts of service she wanted). I worked hard for months at providing her with acts of service and quality time that made her feel loved and cherished.

Ultimately, I had changed so much, she became curious about some of the Books and read by MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage and Chapmans 5 Languages of Love. She and I went to a really good sex therapist. They are expensive, but a lot cheaper than two divorce attorneys fighting with each other. 

The Sex Therapist worked with us until my wife finally understood that she was in control, she could continue to not have sex with me and we would divorce before my next birthday (I had promised myself that I was going to be in a loving relationship by then) or she could do some of the exercises that the sex therapist gave us and learn again how to have sex with her husband.

She ultimately choose to learn how to have sex with her husband. Months afterwards she asked if I would have really divorced her over something as trivial as sex. Without hesitation I told her yes, and that sex is not trivial.

If Pavlov can train a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell, you can train yourself to initially accept and later enjoy sex with your husband, if you really want that result. Sex Therapists have lots of exercises you can do to help.

So to reiterate. Is your marraige too far gone? Only you and your H can decide that. If you want to try to save it, you by yourself can change who you are and that in turn can force your husband to react differently to you....maybe for the better or not, but it will be his choice on how he changes his actions.

Good luck.


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## StayorGoA (Feb 18, 2015)

We talked last night. I told him exactly what I was feeling. He, obviously, didn't take it very well, but agreed that if MC doesn't help (he had already contacted a counselor...wow!) that he won't fight a divorce this time. He admitted he's not happy with the way things are either and said he just wants us both to be happy. 
I have a checklist that I'll work on as the time passes. Pulled out the papers from last time and called my lawyer. I'm going to be prepared for both scenarios. 
Honestly, if MC helps, and this can be fixed, that would be great, and I will participate openly and honestly. So, we will see.
Thanks for all your input and support!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*I also started to make sure my wifes emotional needs were meet and I even figured out to provide her unconditional love, while at the same time not pressuring her about sex and not expecting sex, which she repeatedly said was what she had wanted. I also apologized to her explaining how I now understood some of the things I had done to hurt her (not giving her the quality time she had needed or any of the acts of service she wanted). I worked hard for months at providing her with acts of service and quality time that made her feel loved and cherished.*

I think the above is the key. Young at heart, you were very wise to proactively love your wife, even before she was able to love you back.

I think it was also very good that you knew your limits, that you would not stay forever in a sexless marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jld;

Thank you.

What I shared was what most relationship authors suggest in one way or another, especially MW Davis in her book the Sex Starved Marriage. It is not an absolute 100% cure for a broken marriage, but it sometimes works. If you really want to try to save your marriage, its worth a try, but as you say, knowing your limits and setting clear boundaries is also very important in a relationship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My pleasure, YaH. 

Love and limits. My husband loves me very much, but he would not tolerate a sexless marriage. I know that.

I do think the accent has to be on love over limits, though. I really think love has to be the foundation of any marriage. If the motivator is not love, who cares about the other person's limits?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

StayorGoA said:


> Well, in some ways he is a good guy. He's driven, he's a good provider, when he's happy he's fun. He's not a good guy for me, but I think with the right person he could be a good partner.


He doesn't know whats best for him. So like someone else said. Like a band aid. Rip it off. Do him a favor......file.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I understand you want to be prepared for both scenarios. But, IMO, when you use energy that is so divergent, neither effort gets the appropriate focus. Meaning, if you want to stay and make things work, then put all your energy into that direction. But if you are truly at the point of no return then put your energy there (it will much less painful for all involved).


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Melvynman said:


> My point is for HER to understand her sexual desire. The good news is women can support themselves these days and courts will make sure the husband pays his fair share!


Sounds like his fair share is nothing, he's been providing for her with what sounds like (from the limitted context provided) very little in return. You shouldn't get cash and prizes for checking out a marriage.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

> Same story years later and we have "survived" one 6 month separation.


During the separation did you date at all, or have physical relations with other people?

What lead you to return to the house after the 6-month separation?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

StayorGoA said:


> All of this is so scary. I'm terrified of losing everything because of legal fees. We moved into a new house last March and the mortgage is a lot more than what we were in before. I know this is a lot, but I have no one I can talk to. I keep thinking back to last time and thinking how I could have been well past all of this by now.


You will loose "everything" but not really because of legal fees. Most of "everything" is owned by the bank judging by what you are saying about the mortgage. 2 people owning a bit of a house after less than 10 years of marriage will result in 2 renters when split up, the house is unaffordable on one income. Sorry...


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

You can make it work or you can make it fail. You hold a lot of the power right now as the one who seems to care less.

Your husband has some work to do but he has to see it for himself. 

You weren't promised a rose garden. But your son was promised two parents in the vows you took that led to his life. 

You sound a decent bit like my wife. We've had a long road and only just now improving but (assuming it does work) it took a lot of hurt and work...and one of us not giving up.

You should also read womensinfidelity.com and see if you relate. Not saying you do, but just see if you do.

That, and a lot of legitimate faith and focus.

Good luck but really, REALLY try not to give up. You're adults, your child is not. Love can fade and grow. Look to those who have made it work. But it does sound like he has his share of the work cut out from him. Try to see things from his side as well. I didn't know how to handle my wife's depressive issues either apparently. I'm not perfect. Not a psychologist and that stuff causes my own insecurities mount when you don't feel like you're enough to help "fix" your wife...and a lot of us men get a lot of our worth from fixing things and taking care of our families.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

From the information you provided it sounds like your husband isn't living up to his vows. He's also being very selfish. In sickness and in health. You had some sickness and he wasn't there for you. I'm sorry, don't blame all us guys, your hubby was being a jerk there.

The real problem, I think, is that these problems were allowed to fester too long and might be too far gone for you to get back to being healthy. I'm sorry again for that because I personally hate to see marriages fail.

Ask yourself this fundamental question. Do you honestly still love him and does he honestly still love you. If the answer is yes then your relationship can be saved. All things are possible if there is love.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> Jld;
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> What I shared was what most relationship authors suggest in one way or another, especially MW Davis in her book the Sex Starved Marriage. It is not an absolute 100% cure for a broken marriage, but it sometimes works. If you really want to try to save your marriage, its worth a try, but as you say, knowing your limits and setting clear boundaries is also very important in a relationship.


thanks for sharing your story young at heart. It's great that you were able to figure out your wife's needs and meet them. My husband 2 years later is still trying to please me, has not gotten a life, or found happiness outside the marriage. He is very passive/follower and I don't find this sexy at all. So I'm very similar to the OP. I am beginnning to regret having accepted to try to work this out and to give him time. We have both spent time in counselling, done MC and I'm still not feeling attracted to him at all. I like him more and have resolved a lot of anger and resentment however. I too am scared about how hard it will be to separate, deal with kids etc, but now am coming to terms with the fact that I'm dying in this relationship, and it needs to end because we are not meeting each others needs. He is not willing to see it, or accept it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Keenwa said:


> ....My husband 2 years later is still trying to please me, has not gotten a life, or found happiness outside the marriage. He is very passive/follower and I don't find this sexy at all.
> 
> ...So I'm very similar to the OP. I am beginnning to regret having accepted to try to work this out and to give him time. We have both spent time in counselling, done MC and I'm still not feeling attracted to him at all.
> 
> ...


I will again recommend MW Davis books the Sex Starved Marriage and Divorce Busting for you and doing 180's to change the interpersonal dynamic can save marriages. For you H, I recommend Chapman's 5 LL and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. I understand how you want a "MAN" to love not a follower, but he is the only one who can "man-up." Glover's book is a real eye opener for most men.

Good luck!


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> I will again recommend MW Davis books the Sex Starved Marriage and Divorce Busting for you and doing 180's to change the interpersonal dynamic can save marriages. For you H, I recommend Chapman's 5 LL and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. I understand how you want a "MAN" to love not a follower, but he is the only one who can "man-up." Glover's book is a real eye opener for most men.
> 
> Good luck!


yeah problem with my H is that his MO is to follow whatever I tell him. He doesn't search things out for himself. He found himself a completely useless therapist and so I gave him the name of a better one, now he's seeing her, but really, he is not self motivate to do anything. I used to make his appointments and find what he needed for him and he went. Now I'm done being his mother. I'm done making recommendations, I'm done taking care of him. I've turned my focus to myself. Taking care of myself, and as I do this it draws me farther and farther away from him, and I lose more and more respect for him because he is so passive he does not seek out anything for himself. Apart from an income and being very tolerant and accepting of what i want to do, he has brought nothing to the family or relationship of his own, no passions, no interests, no friends, no nothing. I realize for many women this is enough, but not for me, and I'm done babysitting. I can't make him "man up", he keeps asking my permission for everything.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

After reading that last post, to put it bluntly...it sounds like your selfishness is ruining your marriage. That's basically what selfishness does.


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