# Just struggling with being married.



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

On the surface, there is nothing wrong with my marriage. You can see other posts where I have struggled with this, but she works hard and is loving and caring. I think most men would be super happy to be married to her, and sometimes I am happy. 

(Quick background-- Married 4 years, dated 18 months prior to that; me 50, w 40; 3 stepdaughters range 6-12 yrs; 1 D 14, 1 son 10. She and my daughter are getting along much better than previously but not perfect, I will say they both are working hard at it). 

But in the back of my head, I feel like I want to be free to make my decisions without having to answer. It's terrible. I really just want to go to work, read my books, do what writing I can, and sleep early. A bunch of my high school/college friends are coming in town next weekend and are going to meet out Friday night, then spend all saturday and saturday night on the lake-- one has a lake house and most of them are staying there. That sounds exhausting to me and I am trying to fade into the background but I know I will get a lot of **** via phone calls and texts when I am not there. 

I say that to point out that my problem with marriage is NOT wanting to go out partying with my friends. 

Sex life-- it's not uncommon: lots when we were dating, ok when first married, dwindling down to....I do not keep track but this year it has probably been like 5 times. We are often tired when the day is over, to be fair, but still. I think it would be good to help us feel more connected. She doesnt seem too interested-- maybe she doesnt feel emotionally safe because we have had so many fights over the last year....(women could probably give insight on that). I think my feelings are starting to fade to the point where I don't care that much actually. I read earlier today on another thread that when a man doesn't get sex he treats his wife differently. And that she becomes no different than any other woman he might see on the street, in his eyes. 

Recently, her oldest daughter and my oldest daughter have really not been getting along, and it is hard not to take sides. I am starting to resent her daughter, and I told her that. I feel like her daughter enjoys "messing" with people and mine doesn't like to be messed with by her. They really have very different personalities. 

I am just kind of using this forum to process the situation. W really wants to keep working on things, but I am not convinced it is not just because she doesn't want to raiser her girls alone. She says she feels 'alone' often though as it is. She kind of wants me to be more involved in raising her kids-- in a DISCIPLINARY way though. Ummmm....their dad drank himself to death and they do not like me trying to act like a dad when they won't listen to her....

Why to stay married? We have a stable life, kids are doing well. My daughter LOVES having sisters. We do have fun and feel closer when we are able to be alone/without kids for a night or two. We have fun travelling-- random weekend trips to boise, savannah, south FL, some smaller towns in our own state, etc....

Anyway. Where do those numbers on 2nd marriages/divorce rates come from? I hear 60%?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

forget statistics... its your marriage and you can define it. Honestly, it just sounds like you've given up on it and in the end you will get what you put in. That might get you the loneliness you crave but you seem to be romanticizing it out of proportion. We introverts seem to do that.

No sex? Guess what, if you act like you write about her then you are lucky to get it 5 times a year. I'm clueless on women (in the midst of my 2nd marriage too) and I atleast know that.

I think you either need to step it up or step out because this half ass dance is making things worse for both you.

Sorry to come down on you, but I've seen two posts from you on this subject. You seem dedicated towards destruction.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> forget statistics... its your marriage and you can define it. Honestly, it just sounds like you've given up on it and in the end you will get what you put in. That might get you the loneliness you crave but you seem to be romanticizing it out of proportion. We introverts seem to do that.
> 
> No sex? Guess what, if you act like you write about her then you are lucky to get it 5 times a year. I'm clueless on women (in the midst of my 2nd marriage too) and I atleast know that.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. I do not disagree with you at all. How is it that I am writing about her?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You seem dedicated towards destruction.


This.

It looks like OP is in some sort stage of depression, and can't handle it very well, at this time. Or just being too pessimistic on his outlook for the relationship. Regardless, you seem to be correct, he's letting it slip away from him. it's just little by little. OP is your house, your rules (with the wife's approval for her kids), and your wife seems to need your help with discipline. You as an adult shouldn't have to say "they do not like me trying to act like a dad", correct, you don't have to try to act like you are their dad. You need to act and let them understand that you are you and is expecting them to follow your rules, and that there's consequences if they don't. That's all, no need to pretend you are their dad.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> This.
> 
> It looks like OP is in some sort stage of depression, and can't handle it very well, at this time. Or just being too pessimistic on his outlook for the relationship. Regardless, you seem to be correct, he's letting it slip away from him. it's just little by little. OP is your house, your rules (with the wife's approval for her kids), and your wife seems to need your help with discipline. You as an adult shouldn't have to say "they do not like me trying to act like a dad", correct, you don't have to try to act like you are their dad. You need to act and let them understand that you are you and is expecting them to follow your rules, and that there's consequences if they don't. That's all, no need to pretend you are their dad.


True. This is really a small thing in the overall picture but... what actually happened is that early in the relationship she and my daughter had so many problems that now when her kids are not listening to her I am just glad that it is not my daughter (my son is pretty much to himself with all the girls around) fighting with her. 

So then I am slow to help. Honestly it doesn't really bother me much that they do not like me jumping in. Like I said, I just feel thankful it's not my daughter being disrespectful. 

As far as the destruction thing-- gosh I do not know what to say. How do I turn this around? I agree it is too common for me to be thinking about how it would be better if we separated. I do not like feeling this way.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> Thanks for your response. I do not disagree with you at all. How is it that I am writing about her?


That she is an obstacle to your happiness. If you aren't fully in it, it will become apparent. If she is a good wife otherwise, I'd hate for you to throw it away. You might regret it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her children aren’t even teenagers yet. That’s when the hard part really begins. The one that’s a problem now will likely be many times worse in the not-too-distant future. So, yeah, that could play a big part in why your wife doesn’t want a divorce. If she were more generous with physical affection you'd probably be willing to put up with a lot more. But she isn’t and you aren’t. The connection is fading and there’s a long way to go until her children are grown.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> True. This is really a small thing in the overall picture but... what actually happened is that early in the relationship she and my daughter had so many problems that now when her kids are not listening to her I am just glad that it is not my daughter (my son is pretty much to himself with all the girls around) fighting with her.
> 
> So then I am slow to help. Honestly it doesn't really bother me much that they do not like me jumping in. Like I said, I just feel thankful it's not my daughter being disrespectful.
> 
> As far as the destruction thing-- gosh I do not know what to say. How do I turn this around? I agree it is too common for me to be thinking about how it would be better if we separated. I do not like feeling this way.


Sounds familiar. When I remarried, my wife and daughter had kind of a rocky relationship. I think the issue was my wife was raised in a strict household which caused some issues since my daughter was used to a more relaxed parenting style. I think we both learned you don't have to be a dictator like my wife's dad was, but there's got to be consequences and follow through. Maybe thats what she wants from you? I'm thinking it might be a similar situation or maybe not...

But the sex part could just be a matter of you becoming more engaged with her. I have a feeling it's more about getting her in the mood than a lack of desire. If you don't seem that interested then she won't want to have sex. You got to create desire.

But it all depends on if you are willing to fully be engaged in the marriage or not.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> Honestly it doesn't really bother me much that they do not like me jumping in. Like I said, I just feel thankful it's not my daughter being disrespectful.


This is a short sighted view. You need to look and project into the future. What and how you manage your household right now will greatly influence what's going to happen when they are in their teens (that 's going to be a tough one). If the children perceived that there's no consequences, then they will continue with their behavior. Once they get to their teens, and since they won't be used to discipline, or respect towards you and your wife, then prepare for the worst, because is yet to come.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Her children aren’t even teenagers yet. That’s when the hard part really begins. The one that’s a problem now will likely be many times worse in the not-too-distant future. So, yeah, that could play a big part in why your wife doesn’t want a divorce. If she were more generous with physical affection you'd probably be willing to put up with a lot more. But she isn’t and you aren’t. The connection is fading and there’s a long way to go until her children are grown.


Well, yeah. There are going to be a lot of fights as her children will want more independence and there are many ways which she will limit that. I do not allow her to do that with my kids now as much as she would like and it does cause problems because in a way there is a different set of rules. 

I am learning more and more about how our differences show up in real life and it is just a struggle that feels really unnecessary at times. I am also 50 and have had cancer 2x so find a lot of conversations just....like why are we doing this? Why are we making a big deal over.....everything? She makes little comments that show HER resentment too. 

I am not going to lie....I am feeling really negative even though, like I said, I wasn't cheated on, I don't have a walk-away wife (my 1st wife was). I almost wish there was an easy answer, like a drop-dead we cannot go on type of thing. But I hate reading those infidelity stories so shouldnt really say stuff like that.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> This is a short sighted view. You need to look and project into the future. What and how you manage your household right now will greatly influence what's going to happen when they are in their teens (that 's going to be a tough one). If the children perceived that there's no consequences, then they will continue with their behavior. Once they get to their teens, and since they won't be used to discipline, or respect towards you and your wife, then prepare for the worst, because is yet to come.


It's not that there are no consequences for her kids, but there are times when they flat-out do not care what she is asking. I do think there will be rebellion from them as much because of a sort of controlling aspect from my wife, plus what happened with their dad (he died of alcoholism at 40 and they seem to blame her divorcing him for his death).


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, yeah. There are going to be a lot of fights as her children will want more independence and there are many ways which she will limit that. I do not allow her to do that with my kids now as much as she would like and it does cause problems because in a way there is a different set of rules.
> 
> I am learning more and more about how our differences show up in real life and it is just a struggle that feels really unnecessary at times. I am also 50 and have had cancer 2x so find a lot of conversations just....like why are we doing this? Why are we making a big deal over.....everything? She makes little comments that show HER resentment too.
> 
> I am not going to lie....I am feeling really negative even though, like I said, I wasn't cheated on, I don't have a walk-away wife (my 1st wife was). I almost wish there was an easy answer, like a drop-dead we cannot go on type of thing. But I hate reading those infidelity stories so shouldnt really say stuff like that.


Sorry to hear. Do you have a pastor or counselor that you both can see to try and work on things?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> I do think there will be rebellion from them as much because of a sort of controlling aspect from my wife, plus what happened with their dad (he died of alcoholism at 40 and they seem to blame her divorcing him for his death).


Her kids would definitely gain some sense of themselves and what they fear, because their behavior is most likely fear driven, by being seem by a therapist, if they haven't had one. The divorce and lost of their father, has given them a sense of abandon that must likely requires professional intervention. Have any professional help been given for any length of time to them?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You might have another walk away wife. Was this a pattern in your first marriage? 


It sounds like you don’t have a lot to be unhappy about, and that your wife has mentioned many times she feels alone, wants your help, wants YOU! As a woman, yes we want to feel connected to have sex, and I get the sense that she is trying to tell you what she needs, and you’re happy to just spend time alone. Which I guess is ok for single people. 

Why do you continue to be married? You know it’s ok to be alone and not to be married. But it’s not ok to sign up for a life like this, and keep other people thinking that it’s less than playing house. Because she loved you and didn’t think she was going to get what you’re giving her. Which is a man who sounds like he doesn’t want to be married, and is happy to do his own thing. Was this also why your first wife left? I’m not picking you to pieces btw, it helps you to genuinely answer the tough questions. 

Do you think you’re emotionally cold at all? I don’t just mean with her, I mean towards everyone in your life. It’s great by the way that your daughter loves having sisters!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> You might have another walk away wife. Was this a pattern in your first marriage?
> 
> 
> It sounds like you don’t have a lot to be unhappy about, and that your wife has mentioned many times she feels alone, wants your help, wants YOU! As a woman, yes we want to feel connected to have sex, and I get the sense that she is trying to tell you what she needs, and you’re happy to just spend time alone. Which I guess is ok for single people.
> ...


It would be more like me being the walk-away spouse. We have talked surface-level about divorce a couple of times, after big fights that started as small things between our kids, and she made it clear several times that she does not want that. The state of mind I have been in for more than half our marriage, if she would have "walked away" I would have been fine with it. 

And yes, at this point -- after another stupid fight Saturday-- she does not feel safe to have sex. (Though that does not explain the many many times we have been getting along well and she doesn't seem interested.)

As far as me doing my own thing, it doesn't really happen. I don't feel safe to do my own thing, honestly. If I did what I wanted to do all the time I would probably be happier. 

She thinks my daughter wants us to split and it is my daughter who is desperate-- of all the kids-- for us to stay together. A few weeks ago when we were fighting she called Olive Garden and made a dinner reservation so we could have a date.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Sorry to hear. Do you have a pastor or counselor that you both can see to try and work on things?


I think a couple of pastors would be open to talking to us. We have tried marriage counselors-- so/so success, didn't really last....


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP

Either work like hell on your marriage/relationship or just end it.

Do not just sit on the fence. Do not just bob along where the current takes the two of you.

Put an oar in and direct yourselves to where you want to be.

Sitting back and doing nothing is your worst option. You will just be slowly circling the drain towards divorce on your current path whether thats a yr, two years or five years from now or whenever the children are out of the house.

One last point. Fix the issue with that other girl and your daughter. Yes your daughter needs to learn to deal with others but in this instance you need to address it if your wife wont.

Tell your wife you want her to address her daughter with you present and if she wont then you will deal with it. This lets your wife know you communicated to her about it and that you are giving her a chance to deal with it, first.

And yes you need to be present too so your wife doesnt minimize this to her daughter.

Parents need to be on the same side and team with respect to children.

You dont want your daughter knowing you wont help resolve such issues with her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife’s probably not interested in fixing the sex problem because she thinks you’ll be okay as things are. With some women, interest falls off over time (or was never truly there to begin with) and if they aren’t motivated to work on that then it’s gone. She may never be motivated but I’m guessing that hasn’t really been addressed yet. Maybe that too should be part of talking to someone although she may not want to get into that.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP
> 
> Either work like hell on your marriage/relationship or just end it.
> 
> ...


That other girl, meaning my step-daughter? 

If that is what you are referring to, yes it is a big issue. It is not something I can fix-- the two do not get along and she tends to feel for her daughter while I tend to feel more for mine. Having said that, I spent a good 3 years hearing about how my daughter.....well, she was demonized in some ways. NOW that I am calling out her daughter, wife is wanting us to try to treat them as OUR kids, not take sides, etc. 

So, yes, the many many hours we have spent talking ONLY about my daughter and how to "fix" her have really worn on me.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Your wife’s probably not interested in fixing the sex problem because she thinks you’ll be okay as things are. With some women, interest falls off over time (or was never truly there to begin with) and if they aren’t motivated to work on that then it’s gone. She may never be motivated but I’m guessing that hasn’t really been addressed yet. Maybe that too should be part of talking to someone although she may not want to get into that.


My feeling, honestly, is that if she felt like I loved her she would be much more interested. Maybe not aggressive or initiating, but more open to my advances. I admit I have gradually gotten (and felt) less and less 'loving'. 

Last night I tried to initiate, things were going well yesterday, and she said she would.....basically get me off with her hands...but doesnt feel safe to be fully intimate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, yes, if she feels you don’t love her then she’s not likely to be interested in sex. If you decide to stay then the two of you need to put in a lot of effort. Children in a blended family have ended many marriages. That issue alone can cause huge problems — especially when both parties have children because it’s human nature to side with your child over someone else’s child. Sometimes it works out but often it doesn’t.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If you are unhappy, it's okay to divorce.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Well, yes, if she feels you don’t love her then she’s not likely to be interested in sex. If you decide to stay then the two of you need to put in a lot of effort. Children in a blended family have ended many marriages. That issue alone can cause huge problems — especially when both parties have children because it’s human nature to side with your child over someone else’s child. Sometimes it works out but often it doesn’t.


Yes most of our conflict started out this way -- taking sides in the kids' conflicts. I think over time I have just felt worn down by it, and then further started questioning our compatibility. 

An example of this....my daughter just got her permit. W and I are both driving kids around all over the place-- this summer more than ever. I had some car issues, i have a 15 yr old minivan which is very practical for a family of 7. She asked if it made sense to do the repairs or maybe get a new care. I said, well I want to keep this car as we will need a 3rd car in a couple of years and I do not want 2 or 3 car payments. She immediately said, it's a WANT not a need. Well, frankly, my daughter is gong to have a car to drive because I do not have time to drive her around-- I have had to leave work over lunch so many times this summer to take her to her babysitting jobs. 

So yeah, she is going to have a car. the plan was for it to be OUR car and we would let the kids share it, just happens that my daughter will be the first one because she is oldest. 

I am annoyed just thinking about the dismissive tone she used even though if I made a big deal out of it she would say....she didn't mean anything and that I am making a big deal out of it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> I am annoyed just thinking about the dismissive tone she used even though if I made a big deal out of it she would say....she didn't mean anything and that I am making a big deal out of it.





uwe.blab said:


> She immediately said, it's a WANT not a need.



This is why you are failing. Did you immediately replay back at her with the correct answer? did you make your point across right away, or you just stood there rummaging through your teeth but not saying anything? It seems to me that you did not.

if it were me, right after the comment: it's a WANT not a need. It would have set her straight, that NO...IT'S NOT A WANT IS A NEED. AND YOU KNOW IT. Why are saying that to me, what are you trying to imply. Speak up.

You need to start being assertive dude, unless you just are wishing for this relationship to end. In that case, just tell her...I'm divorcing you here are the papers. Why prolong it to a slow painful death?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In two years your stepdaughter will get her permit? And then they’ll be sharing a car? And don’t get along now even without a car to fight over? The fireworks now will pale in comparison to what happens then.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> This is why you are failing. Did you immediately replay back at her with the correct answer? did you make your point across right away, or you just stood there rummaging through your teeth but not saying anything? It seems to me that you did not.
> 
> if it were me, right after the comment: it's a WANT not a need. It would have set her straight, that NO...IT'S NOT A WANT IS A NEED. AND YOU KNOW IT. Why are saying that to me, what are you trying to imply. Speak up.
> 
> You need to start being assertive dude, unless you just are wishing for this relationship to end. In that case, just tell her...I'm divorcing you here are the papers. Why prolong it to a slow painful death?


I would say I was not assertive in the sense that you are talking about. I have been questioning in the past when she makes comments-- I think we are far apart on a lot of things-- and her pushback was that it needs to be a discussion, we need to come to an agreement, it cant just be your way or the highway, etc. Though in most of these instances my stance on it is pretty much what is practical and what makes sense. Her idea tends to be -- they are not getting anything unless they EARN it regardless of whether it is practical.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> In two years your stepdaughter will get her permit? And then they’ll be sharing a car? And don’t get along now even without a car to fight over? The fireworks now will pale in comparison to what happens then.


Well, this is true, but my stepdaughter will not be able to drive until my daughter is in her last semester of high school. When she gets her PERMIT in 1 1/2 years she will have to have a parent driving with her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> I really just want to go to work, read my books, do what writing I can, and sleep early.


I don't have any solutions for you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in these feelings. I feel it is futile to try anymore to do things which make W happy and fulfilled. It is difficult to be a total introvert who is married to a total extrovert. She is always headed for the party, the gathering, the social interaction with friends and relatives. For me, these are the most difficult things I have to do. They "short-circuit" and drain my batteries within minutes. I cannot talk about politics, I know nothing about human interactions. We are really incompatible in this way.

Her disinterest in sex comes from something I cannot change. I cannot change myself into a "cowboy" or into a country-music star. I am who and what I am, a geek with a pocket protector and a slide rule (not really). And I cannot raise our daughter from the dead.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

TJW said:


> I don't have any solutions for you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in these feelings. I feel it is futile to try anymore to do things which make W happy and fulfilled. It is difficult to be a total introvert who is married to a total extrovert. She is always headed for the party, the gathering, the social interaction with friends and relatives. For me, these are the most difficult things I have to do. They "short-circuit" and drain my batteries within minutes. I cannot talk about politics, I know nothing about human interactions. We are really incompatible in this way.
> 
> Her disinterest in sex comes from something I cannot change. I cannot change myself into a "cowboy" or into a country-music star. I am who and what I am, a geek with a pocket protector and a slide rule (not really). And I cannot raise our daughter from the dead.


Dang, sorry man. But yes, I can engage when I am in social situations however it is exhausting. What is even more exhausting is the conflict, for me. On weekends, often the first thing I do is hear complaints about somebody saying something to someone else that wasn't nice. Who cares? I am ready to go back to bed after that discussion/argument.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Well, yes, if she feels you don’t love her then she’s not likely to be interested in sex. If you decide to stay then the two of you need to put in a lot of effort. Children in a blended family have ended many marriages. That issue alone can cause huge problems — especially when both parties have children because it’s human nature to side with your child over someone else’s child. Sometimes it works out but often it doesn’t.


it's like a double-edged sword. I think on a really shallow level I would feel more loving to her if we had a sex life. And I do think that it is fair for her to not want to have sex -- when we have conflict I do not feel like it either. But over time....we end up not having sex for weeks or more....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

uwe.blab said:


> it's like a double-edged sword. I think on a really shallow level I would feel more loving to her if we had a sex life. And I do think that it is fair for her to not want to have sex -- when we have conflict I do not feel like it either. But over time....we end up not having sex for weeks or more....


Yes, many men here have said they’ll put up with a lot of stuff if they have regular sex with their wives. Many women, OTOH, don’t feel the same way about sex. Apparently, she’s one who isn’t that interested if the circumstances aren’t just right. That happens a lot and usually ends up causing a disconnect. Add in the stress of dealing with blended families and you can find yourself heading for divorce.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Yes, many men here have said they’ll put up with a lot of stuff if they have regular sex with their wives. Many women, OTOH, don’t feel the same way about sex. Apparently, she’s one who isn’t that interested if the circumstances aren’t just right. That happens a lot and usually ends up causing a disconnect. Add in the stress of dealing with blended families and you can find yourself heading for divorce.


yes, funny thing this isn't even about sex for me-- but there it is: we don't have sex. 

Can't be a good sign....


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

So, this week has been pretty good- no arguments, fights, no reason too at all. 

Monday-- I tried to initiate and she basically said she isn't there because of our fight over the weekend, she offered to basically get me off with her hands, which she did

Wednesday-- I tried to initiate and she said she needed to sleep. And asked what time I will be home "tomorrow night" (going to baseball game with son's little league team). Pretty sure she knows it'll be late enough that we will both be tired. 

I guess I will see what happens this weekend-- we have no kids for friday night at least. 

I didn't mean for this situation to turn into a 'no sex' thing, but as I went through and looked at us I realized that IS a real thing happening. Maybe more of a symptom than a cause....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> So, this week has been pretty good- no arguments, fights, no reason too at all.
> 
> Monday-- I tried to initiate and she basically said she isn't there because of our fight over the weekend, she offered to basically get me off with her hands, which she did
> 
> ...


Too many because this/that from her. I'm sensing a pattern. Stand up now, or the pattern will continue I'm forecasting. 

You're all over this, good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

See how the child-free opportunity goes. She may be carrying a lot of resentment about your blended family issues. Or she may feel you’re not committed to the marriage. Or there could be numerous other reasons she’s not interested. Having a conversation about that is probably going to be tricky since few women who are withholding want to discuss it. But you’ll need to address it because it’s not likely to resolve on its own.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> Monday-- I tried to initiate and she basically said she isn't there because of our fight over the weekend, she offered to basically get me off with her hands, which she did
> 
> Wednesday-- I tried to initiate and she said she needed to sleep. And asked what time I will be home "tomorrow night" (going to baseball game with son's little league team). Pretty sure she knows it'll be late enough that we will both be tired.
> 
> I guess I will see what happens this weekend-- we have no kids for friday night at least.


After three months of this same ****, I dumped my first wife and divorced her. No buts, no arguing, I just left. best decision I ever made.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> See how the child-free opportunity goes. She may be carrying a lot of resentment about your blended family issues. Or she may feel you’re not committed to the marriage. Or there could be numerous other reasons she’s not interested. Having a conversation about that is probably going to be tricky since few women who are withholding want to discuss it. But you’ll need to address it because it’s not likely to resolve on its own.


She has definitely expressed some concern over 'committed to the marriage'-- that was her Monday excuse, and somewhat valid. However, she did not say that last night-- too late/needed to sleep. 

But yes, definitely going to pay more attention. She is typically one who does want to discuss things-- so many things that I do not want to spend a lot of time on-- so if she doesn't want to address this particular thing that'll be interesting.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

So, she texted a little while ago that she is getting her hair done. I am working from home and said you should come home afterward no one is here. She 'hearted' the message, however you do that. And said she will be home early tomorrow, at 330. I said I will be here, and she said perfect. Positive responses today anyway.....


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## Cammy (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> On the surface, there is nothing wrong with my marriage. You can see other posts where I have struggled with this, but she works hard and is loving and caring. I think most men would be super happy to be married to her, and sometimes I am happy.
> 
> (Quick background-- Married 4 years, dated 18 months prior to that; me 50, w 40; 3 stepdaughters range 6-12 yrs; 1 D 14, 1 son 10. She and my daughter are getting along much better than previously but not perfect, I will say they both are working hard at it).
> 
> ...


I think you are being selfish. If you love your wife and there is stability, work through it. You can still read your books.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Cammy said:


> I think you are being selfish. If you love your wife and there is stability, work through it. You can still read your books.


There is definitely some selfishness on my part going on. If she does not want me to read my books though, she can make it quite difficult.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UPDATE--

So, weekend was good. We had a change of plans so only had one night without kids, which was fine. We were relaxed and happy and our normal selves really. Had sex, she was totally for it. 

Then Monday evening happened. My daughter has been visiting her grandma for about a week, and will be gone til the end of this week. Before she left My Daughter and her Oldest Daughter had been in a 'fight'. 

Last night we were finishing dinner and her Middle Daughter was facetiming My Daughter. My Daughter asked if she could talk to her Youngest Daughter. My wife immediately turns to her Oldest Daughter and says "sorry Oldest Daughter". I got really annoyed-- the implication being that her Oldest Daughter just had some awful thing happen to her-- my daughter wanting to talk to Youngest Daughter. 

The Oldest Daughter immediately says (she is going into 7th grade) "What? You think I wanted to talk to HER?" Which frankly didnt bother me. I know her Oldest Daughter prefers that my daughter not be here, and pretty sure she would be fine with me not being her. 

Anyway, my wife's "you poor thing"- type comment set me off. Then we could not talk about it then because I was angry in front of the kids. So later we talk about it and I told her it was totally unnecessary and I am so sick of having to hear about my daughter, or comments that implicate my daughter. Been going on for 5 years. BOTH girls are responsible for their FIGHT. My wife apologizes and agrees she should not have made the comment but then decides, while I am still mad, that we should have a conversation about what is going to happen when she comes back and 'they are mean to each other'. I tell her I do not want to talk about it now. 

I go downstairs and watching some baseball show with my son. He says, dad will you watch this with me? Just then wife appears and asks if I can talk to her for a minute, and I said no not right now-- I was watching something with my son and we had JUST GOTTEN DONE talking less than 2 minutes earlier. After I say no, she keeps asking, and then telling me that the per the counselor direction I need to talk to her. I feel completely dismissed and disrespected and then start yelling, she leaves to get her daughter. 

This morning we "TALK" again. I tell her that she ignored me when I said I could not talk and that I do not appreciate random comments that do not always mention my daughter directly but that reference her in a negative way. (Last week she was telling us about her friend's sister was being difficult and her daughter asked if the sister was 'the oldest' and when my wife said yes, her daughter said yeah figures). 

Anyway--in talk this morning, wife asked me what I am thinking when we fight. I tell her that every time this happens I wonder how soon it will be til we end this (divorce). I was honest, that is what happens. The fights are always unnecessary and extremely disruptive. I told her it is a complete waste of time. 

So, she was bawling and said I am not commited etc., said she cant' believe that is who I am, conditional love, so on. I answered the question honestly. It has come up before. Last night she made some comment about moving out when my daughter comes back this weekend. Whatever. Really. I am just so worn down by all the drama.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m sorry OP. Everything you are going through is exactly why I won’t get married again. Blending is nearly impossible, except for the Brady Bunch. I remember years ago when my dad divorced my mom and married his AP. We were 3 boys (me the youngest) and she came with a daughter and son. The fights were horrible. All 5 of us lived with them at one point or another and all got kicked out at one point or another. Ironically, my dad died 25 years ago and stepmom has since remarried. We are still very close and I am going to my stepsister’s daughter’s wedding next month. But those fights were hell. I’m shocked they stayed together until he died.

I say all of this so you know you are not alone. Some people were never meant to be married, myself included. Maybe you are one of those also. There’s only so much drama you can take. Adding kids into the mix that aren’t yours pushes the drama over the top.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sorry OP. Everything you are going through is exactly why I won’t get married again. Blending is nearly impossible, except for the Brady Bunch. I remember years ago when my dad divorced my mom and married his AP. We were 3 boys (me the youngest) and she came with a daughter and son. The fights were horrible. All 5 of us lived with them at one point or another and all got kicked out at one point or another. Ironically, my dad died 25 years ago and stepmom has since remarried. We are still very close and I am going to my stepsister’s daughter’s wedding next month. But those fights were hell. I’m shocked they stayed together until he died.
> 
> I say all of this so you know you are not alone. Some people were never meant to be married, myself included. Maybe you are one of those also. There’s only so much drama you can take. Adding kids into the mix that aren’t yours pushes the drama over the top.


I have considered that I am not meant to be married, for sure. Thanks for sharing your story. There are some good times, have been some really fun times, but day to day, it is a lot.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> I have considered that I am not meant to be married


Yes, there are people that are really not meant to be marry. 

Having said that, your above statement is a defeatist one. that's giving up mentality. It's all about finding out the right partner to create the right environment when blending families. You and your wife are not a united front. she's reactive to her daughters, and you're reactive to her reactions. basically it might be that in the end you two are not really compatible as far as being able to be an united front to all of the kids. That's bad. Love and attraction is not enough in this type of situations. If you conclude that you two can't become one as far as the children's dynamics, then, most likely divorce sooner rather than later could be the correct answer. When parents let their children problems rule the rooster, then you don't have to look to far away for the blame, all you two have to do is to take a look in the mirror.

That's my two cents.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think your wife's personality is going to make life difficult and frustrating forever. 

There are women who don't react in the crappy way she does. 

You don't have to stay with someone like her.

I wouldn't. Especially since she has a child as young as 6. There are going to be _various kinds_ of "kid issues" for a very very very long time.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If you’re not on the same page with values, raising kids and discipline, it’s destined to fail. If you two find yourselves arguing over the kids all the time, it’s miserable. That’s why I will wait until my kids are grown and out before I consider cohabitation with anyone.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I can see exactly where the OP is coming from.
Women are the gatekeepers regarding sex and quite often it can become a situation whereas the husband mostly has to be the initiator and wives can actually place sex on ration.
Many women fail to understand that men can be like putty in their hands if they opened up more and were more intimate with their husbands.
I am in a similar situation as the OP, except the opposite. My wife is also a good women and looks after me well but I am a very extroverted social person and my wife is introverted, in-fact she acts formal with me.
We have been married for 34 years, have a daughter together who is married and lives abroad, just me and the wife here now, but I still physically fancy her. We sleep in separate bedrooms, her choice, and she will give me sex but I have to literally beg her for it, which happens when I get desperately frustrated and then it`s mechanical and boring.
I have fantasies about her walking into my bedroom naked and saying; take me now, please, but it`s not going to happen. 
I`ll be absolutely honest, this is my second marriage go round and now wishing I had remained single.
How to break the mundaneness I have no idea, because my wife is never going to change, no matter how hard I try to compromise and appease her.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes, there are people that are really not meant to be marry.
> 
> Having said that, your above statement is a defeatist one. that's giving up mentality. It's all about finding out the right partner to create the right environment when blending families. You and your wife are not a united front. she's reactive to her daughters, and you're reactive to her reactions. basically it might be that in the end you two are not really compatible as far as being able to be an united front to all of the kids. That's bad. Love and attraction is not enough in this type of situations. If you conclude that you two can't become one as far as the children's dynamics, then, most likely divorce sooner rather than later could be the correct answer. When parents let their children problems rule the rooster, then you don't have to look to far away for the blame, all you two have to do is to take a look in the mirror.
> 
> That's my two cents.


It's a defeatist sentiment because I feel defeated. And yeah, we are not on the same page. Thing is, the 'discussions' have been going on for years now and it is beyond the point of wearing me down. I get what you are saying. I just do not see continuing to talk in circles making things better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s never going to initiate divorce — she needs your help too much and she knows not many will be willing to take her and three children on if you leave — so if it happens you will have to be the one who pulls the trigger.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> . Thing is, the 'discussions' have been going on for years now and it is beyond the point of wearing me down. I get what you are saying. I just do not see continuing to talk in circles making things better.


Then, I'm afraid that the solution is divorce. If you just can't see continuing in the same loop, what's there to wait for? Why waste more of your life on a failed marriage as far as the children issues not being resolved?

Too bad. It seems that without the children issues, you two could have a decent relationship.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Then, I'm afraid that the solution is divorce. If you just can't see continuing in the same loop, what's there to wait for? Why waste more of your life on a failed marriage as far as the children issues not being resolved?
> 
> Too bad. It seems that without the children issues, you two could have a decent relationship.


If we did not have kids yes, this would work I think.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> She’s never going to initiate divorce — she needs your help too much and she knows not many will be willing to take her and three children on if you leave — so if it happens you will have to be the one who pulls the trigger.


This explains a lot. She does seem to get pretty desperate and extremely anxious when the talk of splitting up seems more real. I do not think she is ok with being on her own in theory, though I know she would be fine. And honestly her kids would probably be happier-- at least one of them.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> If we did not have kids yes, this would work I think.


You're probably right. I've heard where something like 70% of second marriages that involve children fail. Should be a lesson for others who are considering getting remarried. Don't do it until the kids are grown and out of the house.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

So-- update, for myself it nothing else. Good to get all this out. 

She apologized for making the comment about my daughter not wanting to talk to ALL of her daughters and admitted that it was not helpful. With our history though-- she said some pretty awful things about my daughter even back to not long after we met-- I admittedly get really upset and it took me a couple days to really be ok. 

I think the reason why I stayed with her when her and my daughter were having really bad issues is because I know my daughter was jealous and was being mean, throwing tantrums at times. I feel like I overlooked my wife's not acceptable reactions to those things though, and now when something happens I seem to go to that place. And that place has me thinking this cannot go on any longer. The funny thing is....my daughter is the one, out of all 7 of us, that would be the most upset if we did end up divorcing. 

So, anyway. Her birthday is today and I did work with her daughters and helped each of them get a nice gift for her. We had nice normal morning stuff, said happy birthday and I had to leave earlier. Getting her favorite pizza for dinner and will give her gifts from me and son. 

Tomorrow evening my daughter comes back, and she has something for her too. But if oldest step daughter and my daughter are having issues, it is going to affect my wife and i. So, I am starting to feel al little tension going into the weekend. Wish us luck. 


Oh, ps....last night when we were going to sleep she said "love you" and i said "love you" and she said "but do you".....? That was annoying but then at the same time I do see why she would wonder that. I am literally fine with not being married.....at any time.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> So-- update, for myself it nothing else. Good to get all this out.
> 
> She apologized for making the comment about my daughter not wanting to talk to ALL of her daughters and admitted that it was not helpful. With our history though-- she said some pretty awful things about my daughter even back to not long after we met-- I admittedly get really upset and it took me a couple days to really be ok.
> 
> ...


Seen all this a million times before.
I describe these type of guys as the long and suffering, have a few male friends that for years have moaned about how miserable they are with their wives but never actually do anything about it or leave.
Eventually after listening to them for many years it becomes boring and I stop listening and lose interest.
You`ll never leave your wife.
I believe you are one of those husbands.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> Seen all this a million times before.
> I describe these type of guys as the long and suffering, have a few male friends that for years have moaned about how miserable they are with their wives but never actually do anything about it or leave.
> Eventually after listening to them for many years it becomes boring and I stop listening and lose interest.
> You`ll never leave your wife.
> I believe you are one of those husbands.


Are you one of them also? Not judging, just curious.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Are you one of them also? Not judging, just curious.


Guess I am to a point.
Probably a lot of us out there.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> Seen all this a million times before.
> I describe these type of guys as the long and suffering, have a few male friends that for years have moaned about how miserable they are with their wives but never actually do anything about it or leave.
> Eventually after listening to them for many years it becomes boring and I stop listening and lose interest.
> You`ll never leave your wife.
> I believe you are one of those husbands.


I do not really disagree with this. We have been married just under 4 years and obviously I have mixed feelings at this point. I really would like to find a way to get back to how it was before and right around the time we got married. Trying to figure out how to get those feelings for her back. I do love her but I am no longer sold on that being enough (as someone stated earlier in the thread).


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> Trying to figure out how to get those feelings for her back. I do love her but I am no longer sold on that being enough (as someone stated earlier in the thread).


I can't remember if you and your wife are/had counseling? If not, before throwing the towel, have you considered joint counseling, so that you two can find a middle ground to work things out in reference to dealing with the children and better communication between you two?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> I can't remember if you and your wife are/had counseling? If not, before throwing the towel, have you considered joint counseling, so that you two can find a middle ground to work things out in reference to dealing with the children and better communication between you two?


We have done counseling with 3 people locally and now have talked to a couple in another state that we found online and specialize in blended families and christian-based. It has not been consistent though, we talked to them 2x over like 3-4 months and have another appt the end of August. They are really good but I do not know, like i said, what to do to get those feelings back. I currently alternate between anger, annoyance, and caring type of love (as opposed to the 'romantic' love that I would rather...)


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> I currently alternate between anger, annoyance, and caring type of love (as opposed to the 'romantic' love that I would rather...


Then, in my opinion, you're still ambivalent emotionally towards her.
Give it a specific period of time for you to come to terms with what you really want, and make that decision then.

Only you can gauge how long you could do that.

Just a reminder of what had been said here by others, the worst years are yet to come as they all enter puberty and teenhood. Unless a miracle happens and for some reason teenhood bond them, I'm afraid more trouble is on the way. I understand that your daughter is already 14, but still 2-4 more years before that phase cools and the more serious young adult emerges.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Then, in my opinion, you're still ambivalent emotionally towards her.
> Give it a specific period of time for you to come to terms with what you really want, and make that decision then.
> 
> Only you can gauge how long you could do that.
> ...


oh I do not doubt that it will get worse over the next several years. I am thinking 7-8 minimum. And even then her youngest will be 14-15 yrs old. There just won't be anyone around for that particular daughter to fight with.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> oh I do not doubt that it will get worse over the next several years. I am thinking 7-8 minimum. And even then her youngest will be 14-15 yrs old. There just won't be anyone around for that particular daughter to fight with.


That sounds like a bleak outlook. That’s another 10% of your life chopped off.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> That sounds like a bleak outlook. That’s another 10% of your life chopped off.


yeah. how can i bring back that loving feeling so I actually want to do this?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> yeah. how can i bring back that loving feeling so I actually want to do this?


Honestly, I don’t think you can. Maybe for a while, but people are who they are and most don’t change, certainly not in our age group. Kids are marriage killers. Even when you don’t have shared offspring with your spouse, the existing offspring can level their own damage, especially if not controlled by the biological parent.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

The title of this thread could also be the name of the website.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@uwe.blab ,

I’ve never been in your shoes, or those of your children. No experience with divorce, and that has probably not been the best choice. I’m not here to judge, and certainly don’t think I have answers. But my gut feel has been different than others on the thread. If you want another point of view, i will offer it here.

You sound too passive about all this. Sounds like you are letting a seventh grade girl, a slightly younger one, and a grown woman who is not acting her age set the direction for your life, your own offsprings life, your wife, and your wife’s offspring. I mean, sure, if it’s not solvable then what can you do but surrender. But, have you really tried?

Don’t get me wrong, I think your wife’s behavior — cliquish passive back stabbing behavior, and failure to rise above the conflict between these young girls — needs to change. It’s not negotiable. Don’t know, but I’d guess if you haven’t dealt successfully with your annoyances through all this, maybe there is something for you to change, too. But, can you honestly say you’ve given that all your best shot?

I also don’t understand this, from the beginning: “I feel like I want to be free to make my decisions without having to answer. It's terrible. I really just want to go to work, read my books, do what writing I can, and sleep early.”

That sounds like a self-imposed problem, if you haven’t tried asserting yourself, and your needs, and acted as if they are important. What exactly doesn’t your wife let you do, and how does that happen? Are you sure you are honoring yourself —yourself? Or are you more “comfortable” passively slipping in the role of her victim somehow?

And, rhetorically, you’ve been through a lot health wise. Did you process that emotionally on a healthy way, or did you rug sweep?

I don’t really know the answers to these questions. They are just questions, not accusations or insinuations.

They come to mind in part because you sounded ambivalent at the start of this thread, and that implies internal conflict to me. And internal conflict leads to self-sabotage and passiveness.

Like the song says, 
_“When you run make sure you run 
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down”_

Make sure you are not lying to yourself about what the real issues are here.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> @uwe.blab ,
> 
> I’ve never been in your shoes, or those of your children. No experience with divorce, and that has probably not been the best choice. I’m not here to judge, and certainly don’t think I have answers. But my gut feel has been different than others on the thread. If you want another point of view, i will offer it here.
> 
> ...



Asserting myself or my needs-- that's the thing. My needs are a calm space-- at times. I mean, when we are all there we have 5 kids and 2 adults. I have tried to 'assert' this and been told that I am abandoning her, though she often says she wants to support my reading/writing. I also am editing and reading for two online literary journals and have explained to her-- probably not very well I guess-- that I need to be able to focus to do these things. I need some time to just think or imagine. I know these "needs" seem off a bit because our culture is so focused on PRODUCING something or doing something tangible like cleaning the house every weekend-- where you can see with your eyes the rug is vacuumed and the floor is swept. 

So, at times I will go upstairs into our bedroom after work because it is much quieter than in the other rooms, where kids are watching movies, videos, playing, etc. She will come home and find me there and act...surprised? It is hard to describe exactly, but if I stay there for a while, then she acts like I am being mean. Or, she will decide she needs to talk about something right then and there, pretty much dismissing the fact that I am in the middle of something. And by talk about something, it is something that she knows I do not want to talk about because it will be similar to all of our talks that end up leading to a fight (as opposed to the few talks where some sort of news or information is conveyed). 

Anyway, yes I am struggling with this. But really, am I going to get what I need here? I do not see it happening. Any suggestions re how to get this are appreciated.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

uwe.blab said:


> Asserting myself or my needs-- that's the thing. My needs are a calm space-- at times. I mean, when we are all there we have 5 kids and 2 adults. I have tried to 'assert' this and been told that I am abandoning her, though she often says she wants to support my reading/writing. I also am editing and reading for two online literary journals and have explained to her-- probably not very well I guess-- that I need to be able to focus to do these things. I need some time to just think or imagine. I know these "needs" seem off a bit because our culture is so focused on PRODUCING something or doing something tangible like cleaning the house every weekend-- where you can see with your eyes the rug is vacuumed and the floor is swept.
> 
> So, at times I will go upstairs into our bedroom after work because it is much quieter than in the other rooms, where kids are watching movies, videos, playing, etc. She will come home and find me there and act...surprised? It is hard to describe exactly, but if I stay there for a while, then she acts like I am being mean. Or, she will decide she needs to talk about something right then and there, pretty much dismissing the fact that I am in the middle of something. And by talk about something, it is something that she knows I do not want to talk about because it will be similar to all of our talks that end up leading to a fight (as opposed to the few talks where some sort of news or information is conveyed).
> 
> Anyway, yes I am struggling with this. But really, am I going to get what I need here? I do not see it happening. Any suggestions re how to get this are appreciated.


You aren't going to get this, with her. She had no respect for you/your needs, which are not unreasonable.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Maybe she is capable of learning not everyone is like her. Dunno. Seems worth a shot to try to teach her about introversion, creative/intellectual work. If sh can’t learn and respect and empathize after some time, maybe your decision gets easier or at least clearer.

You, me, and others are oddballs by many peoples standards. So much so the culture I grew up in made it easy to see my traits as a problem, and someone like your wife right for expecting you to conform to her vision of who you should be.

Limited typing ability right now (surgery today). Will just say maybe this is of use to you both:Susan Cain's TED Talk on the Power of Introverts - Susan Cain

Sounds like it would mean a lot if she could see and respect you for who you are and give you some quiet uninterrupted time to “be” — and if she can’t, your relationship is going to continue to suffer instead of thrive? Is that a fair statement?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe she is capable of learning not everyone is like her. Dunno. Seems worth a shot to try to teach her about introversion, creative/intellectual work. If sh can’t learn and respect and empathize after some time, maybe your decision gets easier or at least clearer.
> 
> You, me, and others are oddballs by many peoples standards. So much so the culture I grew up in made it easy to see my traits as a problem, and someone like your wife right for expecting you to conform to her vision of who you should be.
> 
> ...


I have definitely been wondering if she fully understands me. I mean, she talks about those things in positive ways, but when it comes to specific day-to-day situations she doesn't seem to respect who I am in that way.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You clearly don’t love her. You should move on.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UPDATE-- meant to post this earlier today

We spent three days with her parents, brother and sister-in-law in a rental home a few hours away earlier this week. The first night and next day were good, kids had fun and were nice to each other. Morning of the day after that I woke up and her oldest and my daughter had gotten in some sort of argument. I do not doubt that my daughter, who is older, was being bossy and I do not know the full details. 

Anyway, we were leaving to get breakfast and her daughter pulled her in a bedroom crying. I was in the hallway and could hear what she was saying, and what she was crying about had nothing to do with the daughter. I stepped in and said "SD-- I do not know why you are crying, what she said is not even happening and you know it". My wife said "stop being mean". We left after a few minutes. My feeling is that her daughter was finding whatever she could to make my wife upset at my daughter. We get to the restaurant and my wife and I talk briefly about it, and just seem to agree that it's fine -- even though in my head I am having some doubts because wife seemed to be making excuses when i said it seems like she is just trying to make conflict. 

Sure enough, in the restaurant, they get into a huge argument. I know that my daughter wanted to go shopping in this little town with wife's mom. So she tried to tell step-daughter 'let's not make this an all-day fight'. The step daughter was having none of it and then my daughter lost it. 

My wife was yelling at me about my daughter-- somewhat justified because we were in a public place. And then I just lost it. I was terrible, I admit. We went down to the end of the building and we were trying to talk but I was so angry and ended up yelling, and i was cursing. She was making excuses for her daughter when we got there, when I pointed out the things she had been crying about were completely nonsense, and I was so mad. 

Wife got both girls in the car and somehow got them to get over it. Even though her daughter did not want to. Her daughter said she wanted to leave the family, "and you can too mom" she was crying. Funny, because my wife, the whole time we have been together, has always blamed my daughter on our fights, and on me talking about divorce/breaking up. But I know her daughter would prefer that. I don't really blame her. I also called her a baby and a 'little b****" and I felt justified because wife has said similar, very mean things, about my daughter. THAT SAID-- I was awful and I know it. Her brother maybe didnt hear what I was saying but definitely knew I was yelling at her. So, embarrissing and totally not me-- though lately I have been really losing my temper about this stuff. 

I felt worse for her mom who always has this ideal thing in her mind about family and grandkids and everything being harmonic and fun. And it wasn't that for a few terrible hours. 

Now, I did apolgize to wife. She wants to talk about it again this weekend because she is 'still processing it'. I can do that, but I have a feeling I am going to get really frustrated at some point and it is just going to turn into another fight. I am really starting to hate weekends.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

snowbum said:


> You clearly don’t love her. You should move on.


I would like to love her again. but the controlling, the argumentative stuff, is so unattractive. I complain about no sex but I also cannot even go there physically when she is like this. I wonder how you tell someone to ACT more attractively. (I know I need to do the same btw for her to want to--- so this part of it goes both ways).


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> I would like to love her again. but the controlling, the argumentative stuff, is so unattractive. I complain about no sex but I also cannot even go there physically when she is like this. I wonder how you tell someone to ACT more attractively. (I know I need to do the same btw for her to want to--- so this part of it goes both ways).


I don`t know exactly what you want to hear?
The situation will not change and you either accept that or you don`t.
Otherwise what do you intend to do about it? 
As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, the long and suffering, end of story.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

So another udate-- PLEASE HELP me in making a list of things I need in this marriage. 

- space to have SOME quiet every week; not sure how much is reasonable--but see several posts above about my need for calm, silence

-no more taking sides in girls' fights--- this is a huge issue and the beginning of our problems really; last night part of the fight was her saying she is not going to put up with her daughter (the oldest) being bullied-- 

my daughter is older and her daughter, going on 13, is very...she has a difficult personality-- she likes to mess with people and annoy them on purpose, so that needs to be acknowledged **HOW do I address these two items in a 'list'

-no more talking about my daughter and making sarcastic comments about my kids when they are not even around-- this has happened with both W and D in last couple of months

-some sort of sex life has to return (problem is we both aren't in the mood, ever, because of our issues)

-how do i address the need to NOT be nagged at constantly about "the marriage"; last night I was ready to go to sleep, turning on some netflix show to watch with her, when she started a discussion that was not necessary and led to ... not much sleep for me

--the last item is going to be....if things do not feel better at christmas, we separate. 

Any tips/ideas on how to formulate and word this list is appreciated.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

It makes me very sad that you’ve come to this point. 😔

But, I think it’s good and right that you’re going to talk to your wife to clarify what’s going on inside you.

Christmas is four months away. Are you truly prepared to separate if there’s no improvement? If there’s any doubt at all that you’ll follow through, then consider holding off on adding that to your list?

Also, can you say all this to her face to face, without her interrupting you? Is she capable of listening? To me, if she gets angry and tries to control the situation, I would stop. It’s not going to be productive to force a conversation with someone who lacks humility.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Use anti- inflammatory speech. own your parts that are properly yours,.

look up active listening. “I feel… when you…” statements 

make sure bringing upseparation is appropriate at this time. Maybe Instead of a threat broach the subject as a fear the marriage is going to disintegrate and you care enough about it and hope she will be willing to fight for it with you. I think how you frame things will matter especially if she is hurt already and situation is volatile

read what @Anastasia6 said in the three months no sex thread that was active recently 

you sound depressed. Promise to work on fixing it and ask her to support your efforts

include family counseling


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> Use anti- inflammatory speech. own your parts that are properly yours,.
> 
> look up active listening. “I feel… when you…” statements
> 
> ...


I think you need to understand that I will be ok if/when we split. She basically said, last night that I am verbally abusive and my daughter is a bully to her daughter. And she is still trying to figure out ways to not leave. That said, I know there will be things on HER list that I will not be able to do-- she likes to hover over and engage in all the kids' disagreements. I don't have the time or energy. 

In any case, I am thinking of making a list as well--- or not. But I am not sure how best to phrase everything, etc. 

Then, honestly, part of me just wants to look at her list first and possibly not bother. I have an appointment with a new IC Tuesday. I was seeing one for awhile last winter/spring but wife made comments that my counselor is telling me to leave her. Counselors do not typically do that, and that was not happening. Oh, and my wife is a therapist too.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> I think you need to understand that I will be ok if/when we split. She basically said, last night that I am verbally abusive and my daughter is a bully to her daughter. And she is still trying to figure out ways to not leave. That said, I know there will be things on HER list that I will not be able to do-- she likes to hover over and engage in all the kids' disagreements. I don't have the time or energy.
> 
> In any case, I am thinking of making a list as well--- or not. But I am not sure how best to phrase everything, etc.
> 
> Then, honestly, part of me just wants to look at her list first and possibly not bother. I have an appointment with a new IC Tuesday. I was seeing one for awhile last winter/spring but wife made comments that my counselor is telling me to leave her. Counselors do not typically do that, and that was not happening. Oh, and my wife is a therapist too.


It sounds like you two fight daily. It’s not healthy for either one of you two nor the kids. I think you should go to counseling to help with the separation and divorce. At 13, you’ll have another half decade of dealing with the nonsense, at least.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your wife needs to let you sleep. If you do nothing else, please set a boundary that there will be no discussions at bedtime or that continue past bedtime. She continually does that to you and its gotta stop. 

Are you sure December is a good cut off date? Christmas etc. 

I don't know how you've lasted this long in this chaos.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> It sounds like you two fight daily. It’s not healthy for either one of you two nor the kids. I think you should go to counseling to help with the separation and divorce. At 13, you’ll have another half decade of dealing with the nonsense, at least.


It has gotten to the point that it is daily. And yes, it could be a long haul. 13, 11 and 7 are their ages. Mine are 14 and 11 (son)


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> It has gotten to the point that it is daily. And yes, it could be a long haul. 13, 11 and 7 are their ages. Mine are 14 and 11 (son)


The thought of going through another divorce is daunting for sure. I know that. I think getting married with a total of five kids under 10 was asking for trouble from the start. It’s almost impossible to think they are going to all get along as they grow up and develop personalities. Then throw in the exs (their real mom dad), it’s unthinkable. However, as that ship has sailed, it’s pointless to discuss. I really do think you aren’t going to find happiness and fulfillment in this relationship, you, her and the kids. Fighting non stop has to be taking a toll. From what you said, you have fundamentally different parenting styles which are not likely to change. Her taking “sides” during every argument is not only petty and immature, it’s disrespectful towards you. I hope you get some clarity soon. None of us are getting any younger. Good luck brother.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

AND she’s a therapist? That explains the relentless need she has to talk and talk and talk — regardless of the poor timing — with no resolution. I don’t think you’ll get anywhere with her since this has been going on for years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I see nothing wrong with the items on your list as they are. I’m not sure about Christmas though. If you can go that far then January tends to be the month most divorces get filed since the holidays are over. But I do think she needs to know this isn’t limitless and she needs to clean up her side of the street too. Your daughter and her oldest daughter aren’t likely to ever get along — not during the teenage years anyway. They need to leave each other alone as much as possible. At least your daughter isn’t living with you full time so maybe they can minimize their interactions.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think staying in the marriage means lifelong battles, _even when the kids are adults_. I predict battles over holidays when the kids are adults, marriages, birthdays, grandchildren, etc. It's not going to stop just because they go off to college or jobs.

Your wife has some very toxic personality traits and no respect for you. That's not going away.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am going to speak from my own experiences on this one. I married a man who was raising his two sons 5 & 7, he had custody. Mom was not in the same state and had little to do with her sons even though I know she loved them very much. I too had been married previously and I had full custody, girls were 3 & 8. I took on a great deal of responsibility for his sons from the very beginning, His career was demanding and I was trying to help make things easier on him but I did need his help. he was more than willing to just let me take care of everything but the boys were not very happy to have me walking into their lives. Hard feelings from the boys to me and vise versa. I know my ex (husband then) also had hard feelings towards my daughters and things were expressed. It was obvious to me that my in-laws also did not care for my children and really were not very accepting of me. Some of my family did not like my stepsons. Eventually in our 24 marriage, he made visits to his family without me and I made visits to my family without him. There was a tension in the step family and it really wore on our marriage. There was a need for each of us when we met the other and it seemed like our marriage was about raising these kids. I am a teacher and children love me, I get along well with people and yet being in a step family was the biggest challenge I have endured. 

Things never changed. Infact, as the boys got older the more hatred I felt from them. They were quite disrespectful and their dad did nothing so I felt unsupported. There was one final incident where I felt that my ex had the opportunity to unite our families and he let his sons choose and they chose to exclude. My ex went with their decision and I filed for divorce. There was too much hurt and no resolve.


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