# dating before divorce final?



## lrk1203 (Oct 13, 2012)

okay so here's my story. My husband and & I have been together for 8 years married for 2. We have a 2 year old son together. In July I filed for divorce because he stopped communicating, staying out all night and leaving, not picking up the phone, hanging up on me, hiding his phone etc. He was basically treating me like crap so I filed. Well then after I filed I found some things around the house that weren't mine such as some hair ties and a cell phone. Then I saw him and a woman together standing by his car. He continued to talk to her or see her but denied there was a relationship. She also denied it but I'm not dumb. Our lease was up at the end of august in our rental house so I found another house for me and our son. Well husband didnt have anywhere to stay so he came crying and crawling back. I have been letting him stay here now. He has been laid off and his unemployment ran out a few weeks ago. I continued to find out he was still talking to her. Even 2 weeks ago there were texts between them. I'm so fed up and have been trying to make it work. I put our divorce and court date on hold to work on it and then I keep finding out he's hidng things.
Last night at work I ran into a medical student who was asking me some questions about my patient. We saw each other the day before when he was making rounds with the dr. we had a pretty nice convo and at the end he asked me to coffee next week and for my number. I panicked. It has been so long since anyone has asked me out. I dont even remember how to date or if I should.I didnt want to reject him so I gave it to him. Do I go to coffee or no? When do I tell him I'm married going through a divorce and have a kid? I'm afraid he is just going to run away if I tell him but I dont want to get him involved in my complicated life. Is it just too much right now? He seems very interesting. He has been texting me all day. What is he gonna think? I'm 25 and have a 2 year old and getting divorced. Should I just text him and tell him ahead of time? I would think in person is better or just cancel. 
I love my husband but I feel like giving up. I'm so hurt and dont want to do this anymore. Just want to be treated like a wife and loved. If I wait until the divorce is final to date, it could be a long time.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

lrk1203 said:


> okay so here's my story. My husband and & I have been together for 8 years married for 2. We have a 2 year old son together. In July I filed for divorce because he stopped communicating, staying out all night and leaving, not picking up the phone, hanging up on me, hiding his phone etc. He was basically treating me like crap so I filed. Well then after I filed I found some things around the house that weren't mine such as some hair ties and a cell phone. Then I saw him and a woman together standing by his car. He continued to talk to her or see her but denied there was a relationship. She also denied it but I'm not dumb. Our lease was up at the end of august in our rental house so I found another house for me and our son. Well husband didnt have anywhere to stay so he came crying and crawling back. I have been letting him stay here now. He has been laid off and his unemployment ran out a few weeks ago. I continued to find out he was still talking to her. Even 2 weeks ago there were texts between them. I'm so fed up and have been trying to make it work. I put our divorce and court date on hold to work on it and then I keep finding out he's hidng things.
> Last night at work I ran into a medical student who was asking me some questions about my patient. We saw each other the day before when he was making rounds with the dr. we had a pretty nice convo and at the end he asked me to coffee next week and for my number. I panicked. It has been so long since anyone has asked me out. I dont even remember how to date or if I should.I didnt want to reject him so I gave it to him. Do I go to coffee or no? When do I tell him I'm married going through a divorce and have a kid? I'm afraid he is just going to run away if I tell him but I dont want to get him involved in my complicated life. Is it just too much right now? He seems very interesting. He has been texting me all day. What is he gonna think? I'm 25 and have a 2 year old and getting divorced. Should I just text him and tell him ahead of time? I would think in person is better or just cancel.
> I love my husband but I feel like giving up. I'm so hurt and dont want to do this anymore. Just want to be treated like a wife and loved. If I wait until the divorce is final to date, it could be a long time.


Dont do it to yourself or to him. Focus on you and what you feel like you need to do. Being..even talking to someone else is a unwise attempt to fill the hole you have in your heart. Focus on yourself and get yourself healed from this situation, and then you can make better decisions. Once you get thru this and heal from the pain it will be time to look into other relationships. No need to complicate your life or anyone else's at this point. One step at a time. A rebound relationship is what this has the potential to be and isn't fair to anyone involved. be honest and let him know whale you are flattered, that the timing isn't right for you. That you need to deal with the relationship you are letting go.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

I am torn with this decision, too, Irk. A co-worker asked me out yesterday. Where I'd love to go out and have fun, I'm terrified of using him to fill the void. No one deserves to be a rebound.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

You do not need to wait until your divorce is final.

Wait until you are ready. Only you will know when that is.

You could be ready now or you might not feel ready until a year or two after you divorce. 

A legal document is not going to 'make' you ready to date again, and it won't protect you from going on the re-bound.

So, date when you're ready - and there's no point in asking anyone else advice on this....ask _yourself_ what _you_ want to do, how do _you_ feel? Whatever you decide - have faith in your own decision making. Trust yourself, trust your instincts.

Having said all that....I say, go for it!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to decide which path you're going on. Either you're working on your marriage, or you're divorcing. Right now, it sounds like you're waffling back and forth. And dating in that scenario is likely to just make things more complicated and painful.

To give you some perspective of where I'm coming from... I left my marriage almost 2 years ago, and started dating soon after. There is a mandatory 1 year separation period here, so an immediate divorce wasn't an option anyway. But there has been absolutely no talk of reconciliation or trying to make things work. The marriage was over long before I left, and I was plenty ready to move on. From your post, I don't get the sense you're there yet.

C


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## lrk1203 (Oct 13, 2012)

ugh I really do think I am pretty much ready to move on. Just last night I asked to see his phone. He told me he was out of minutes and then a text message went through on his phone it was 4:30am. Of course Im going to ask to see his phone and so he deletes all messages right in front of me and hands the phone to me emptied. He also had more minutes on it and didnt tell me. I'm done. Ive had enough of the lies, the sneaking around, I'm so exhausted. I deserve so much better. This guy seems to be so interested in me. I told him I thought maybe we should cancel because my life is complicated but he still wants to get to know me. I told him I'm scared he's gonna run with what I tell him haha. I think I'm gonna go for it. I've done all I can do in his marriage. I've been put through hell. I just want to feel happy again. Been thinking about this guys the past 2 days now.


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## lrk1203 (Oct 13, 2012)

Im not going to give my hopes up and become too attached because he is in med school and he is young. he said he cant make any promises and told him I def understand.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you still love your husband, I don't think you're ready to divorce him and you aren't ready to get involved with someone else. Once the relationship is dead and you've gone through the grieving process and learned something from it, you might be ready. Right now, you miss being a wife and you want to be treated like a wife. Coffee dude just wants a little conversation and some coffee (and probably some sex). He's not offering himself as a surrogate husband and father. Figure out how to be Irk1203 alone and to like her.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

One other thing to consider is that our spouses, whom we thought we knew and trusted, have decided to treat us like sh*t or cheat on us or walk out on us, etc. If they can do that so easily, what's to say that wont be even more vindictive and hire a PI to watch our every move? Sadly, because of the seemingly constant emotional beat-downs from my STBXW and wondering what am I don't wrong today that might get her pissed at me again, I've come to realize that I'm scared of my own wife. I've become almost paranoid that she's going to have somebody watching me so she can claim adultery and prove to the world what I rotten husband I've been. 

I'm just saying Irk, be careful and watch your back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get your husband out of your house before you even think of dating. You're not even separated yet.

C


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## lrk1203 (Oct 13, 2012)

so maybe I should have gotten a separation before filing for divorce?lots of negative comments... well not really negative but I can see both ends and know its prob not wise to date before its final. I feel like if he can cheat on me numerous times, physically,mentally, emotionally abuse me and I'm the one who has given chances and forgive numerous times and then when I say I'm done no one believes me or thinks I'm ready to move on. I met for coffee last night. He knows my situation told him everything that its not final, I have a 2 year old etc. He is shocked I have a child and doesnt know how to handle that but he still wants to see me. He's not looking for sex and that is evident because he just got out of a bad relationship and doesnt want to get hurt as well. We actually had a really deep conversation and have more in common then me and my husband. Both have pollish backgrounds, both catholic (husband was so against religion) actually wants to be a physician and be successful and want something out of life unlike my husband who has been laid off and not even looking for a job because he hates working. Its so sad when I compare both men I'm like is this too good to be true that I met someone who I have a ton in common with? Not to mention on my way to the coffee shop spotted a rainbow  I am happy... I have a feeling I havent felt in awhile and dont want it to go away. Why should I lose my happiness because the divorce isnt final yet?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lrk1203 said:


> so maybe I should have gotten a separation before filing for divorce?lots of negative comments... well not really negative but I can see both ends and know its prob not wise to date before its final. I feel like if he can cheat on me numerous times, physically,mentally, emotionally abuse me and I'm the one who has given chances and forgive numerous times and then when I say I'm done no one believes me or thinks I'm ready to move on. I met for coffee last night. He knows my situation told him everything that its not final, I have a 2 year old etc. He is shocked I have a child and doesnt know how to handle that but he still wants to see me. He's not looking for sex and that is evident because he just got out of a bad relationship and doesnt want to get hurt as well. We actually had a really deep conversation and have more in common then me and my husband. Both have pollish backgrounds, both catholic (husband was so against religion) actually wants to be a physician and be successful and want something out of life unlike my husband who has been laid off and not even looking for a job because he hates working. Its so sad when I compare both men I'm like is this too good to be true that I met someone who I have a ton in common with? Not to mention on my way to the coffee shop spotted a rainbow  I am happy... I have a feeling I havent felt in awhile and dont want it to go away. Why should I lose my happiness because the divorce isnt final yet?


To me, it's not about the divorce being final or not. It's about being ready to move on. You said in your first post that your husband is still living with you, and you were trying to make it work. If you were over your husband, you would have said "Tough Nuggies, dude. Find another place to live".

Just my $0.02. And I say this as someone who is separated (not divorced) and seeing someone. I'm not judging you, and your situation doesn't affect me one way or the other, so I have no stake in what you do. 

C


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> You need to decide which path you're going on. Either you're working on your marriage, or you're divorcing. Right now, it sounds like you're waffling back and forth. And dating in that scenario is likely to just make things more complicated and painful.
> 
> To give you some perspective of where I'm coming from... I left my marriage almost 2 years ago, and started dating soon after. There is a mandatory 1 year separation period here, so an immediate divorce wasn't an option anyway. But there has been absolutely no talk of reconciliation or trying to make things work. The marriage was over long before I left, and I was plenty ready to move on. From your post, I don't get the sense you're there yet.
> 
> C


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I couldn't even imagine dating while my H was still in the house with me. Divorce or not, you can't just turn off those feelings, especially if you were thinking of reconciling with him. 

Give yourself time and space to work on YOU. You do not want to jump into another dating scenario when you are not ready emotionally. You may "think" you are, but if you don't spend time on you for a few months, you will more than likely just repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

And your new man has all these dreams and ambitions, right? He wants to do this or do that. Ha! Ok, prove it. He could just be a pleaser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lrk1203 (Oct 13, 2012)

I've tried kicking him out before and he has no place to stay. I was trying to work on it but then being lied to in my face every single day was taking a toll on me. One of the only reasons I even let him stay here in the first place was to watch our son while I work 12 hour shifts and because being with someone for 9 years, no matter how badly they treated me I can let the father of my son live on the streets... I guess I just have too much of a heart and get taken for granted. One thing I do know, after meeting this other person, I dont deserve to be called a ***** to my face, I dont deserve a man to get in my face like my husband does among other things. My husband would never compliment me in the whole 9 years we were together. This other person wants me to be happy and wants to share things with me, do things I never got to experience. I spent months pretty much alone and depressed feeling like I was in hell. If I'm by myself any longer I will continue to feel that way. That was why I was pretty much trying to say I've already been alone by myself for this long and now I finally feel happy I dont want the feeling to go away. The thought of my husband actually makes me sick. The things he did to me, and I wasnt strong enough to get out of it but this person has helped me become a stronger person already. I know, it sounds crazy but I feel like heaven sent him to me or something...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lrk1203 said:


> I've tried kicking him out before and he has no place to stay. I was trying to work on it but then being lied to in my face every single day was taking a toll on me. One of the only reasons I even let him stay here in the first place was to watch our son while I work 12 hour shifts and because being with someone for 9 years, no matter how badly they treated me I can let the father of my son live on the streets... I guess I just have too much of a heart and get taken for granted. One thing I do know, after meeting this other person, I dont deserve to be called a ***** to my face, I dont deserve a man to get in my face like my husband does among other things. My husband would never compliment me in the whole 9 years we were together. This other person wants me to be happy and wants to share things with me, do things I never got to experience. I spent months pretty much alone and depressed feeling like I was in hell. If I'm by myself any longer I will continue to feel that way. That was why I was pretty much trying to say I've already been alone by myself for this long and now I finally feel happy I dont want the feeling to go away. The thought of my husband actually makes me sick. The things he did to me, and I wasnt strong enough to get out of it but this person has helped me become a stronger person already. I know, it sounds crazy but I feel like heaven sent him to me or something...


If you're serious about getting a divorce, your (STBX) husband is no longer your problem. You're not expected to solve his issues, or be his support. That's why he'll be an EX husband.

In other words, you might as well start moving towards what your "post-marriage" world will be like for both of you. Until you do that, neither of you will understand what that will mean with respect to disrupting your (and your son's) lives. Until you're willing to do that, you're not ready to say you're divorcing and no longer married. IMHO.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lrk1203 said:


> Do I go to coffee or no? When do I tell him I'm married going through a divorce and have a kid? I'm afraid he is just going to run away if I tell him but I dont want to get him involved in my complicated life. Is it just too much right now? He seems very interesting. He has been texting me all day. What is he gonna think?


Do you want to go to coffee or not?

I think it's best to be honest with people from the get-go. 

Just tell him "I like to be very clear and honest with people: I am married and currently getting a divorce/separated. If you still want to grab coffee, I am game. If not, I understand."

Hiding things is a fast track to deceit and a lot of problems that wouldn't ever come up if you were honest from the get-go. Like how your husband was with you.


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