# Is it wise to notify OM/OW's spouse?



## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

My husband had a three-months affair at age 64 after 18 years of being together. I discovered it through cell-phone calls and confronted him. He instantly stopped seeing this person; started to go to counseling and he is trying his best to work on our relationship....but, I have vengeance in my heart and since I don't want to do anything stupid, I thought, at least, to let the OW's husband know. Some of my friends and the therapist says, let it go, it would further ruin the relationship between my husband and me. One also doesn't know how the other husband would behave and it might endanger my husband. I am struggling with this. What are your thoughts?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want her husband to inform you?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

You have opened a can of worms here! lol. Various points of view on this subject. Let you give you mine. Tell them!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Crappy advice from your counselor. Ask your friends if they'd like to be told if their husbands were having an affair. 

Tell the OWH


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Tell him. Not out of vengeance, but to provide him with the ability to make an informed and dignified choice about his own future.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Tell him, b/c the OW may want to keep the affair going. 

He'll turn the heat up on her, and keep his eye out for more BS like this.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes you tell him. Don't tell your husband you're going to do it, just do it. Why?

1 - Because he deserves to know.

2 - It's a deserved consequence the POSOW needs to receive.

3 - It's a necessary consequence for him to receive. The alternative is simply rug sweeping the A. 

4 - It put's another set of eyes and ears on her and reduces the chance of a second act.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> Tell him, b/c the OW may want to keep the affair going.
> 
> He'll turn the heat up on her, and keep his eye out for more BS like this.


This woman is an aging Hollywood "celebrity", a choreographer who obviously doesn't want to get into trouble in her own circles. She advertised for a "discreet affair" on Craigslist and flounced her "celebrity" status by guiding my husband to her Facebook page where 20 year old pics are shown of her. He went for it. Guess he was impressed. The woman clearly told him that he doesn't want a divorce. Oh, and she is 50 years old, so 14 years husband junior. I am also considering to expose her on Cheaterville, Youtube, and anything else I can do it on legally. Why should she get away with this Scott free?


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Yes you tell him. Don't tell your husband you're going to do it, just do it. Why?
> 
> 1 - Because he deserves to know.
> 
> ...


I wonder if the OW's husband is doing the same thing, so he wouldn't even blink of learning of his wife's shenanigans. However, she was adamant of not disturbing her marriage.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Kisboros said:


> I am also considering to expose her on Cheaterville, Youtube, and anything else I can do it on legally. Why should she get away with this Scott free?


Then get to it. Roll all over her azz.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Kisboros said:


> This woman is an aging Hollywood "celebrity", a choreographer who obviously doesn't want to get into trouble in her own circles. She advertised for a "discreet affair" on Craigslist and flounced her "celebrity" status by guiding my husband to her Facebook page where 20 year old pics are shown of her. He went for it. Guess he was impressed. The woman clearly told him that he doesn't want a divorce. Oh, and she is 50 years old, so 14 years husband junior. I am also considering to expose her on Cheaterville, Youtube, and anything else I can do it on legally. Why should she get away with this Scott free?


Oh fvck, all bets are off in the case of these Craigslist sleazebags. Take no prisoners.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell the OW's spouse, I would want to know.

Also, good idea on cheaterville.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Kisboros said:


> I wonder if the OW's husband is doing the same thing, so he wouldn't even blink of learning of his wife's shenanigans. *However, she was adamant of not disturbing her marriage.*


Then all the sweeter for you.

But be aware of one other thing. You can never predict how the OM/OW's spouse will react. Anger at you, denial, indifference - it's possible. At the end of the day, all you can do is give him the information and not worry about his reaction.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a counselor. Fire your counselor. Expose it.

1. Don't tell your husband.
2. Get tested for STD's
3. Cancel your appointments with your counselor and find another. Many counselors have not even read a book on infidelity. 

It is OK to work on the Marriage, but don't buy the no exposure line. And don't tell your friends what you are about to do.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

On any site you post tell the truth. I would post on cheaterville.com.

If you have her craigslist site, copy it now and save it. And post it online.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You absolutely expose to the other spouse.

It is the decent thing to do. The offended spouse has a right to make informed decisions about their life. Such as, do I want to live this lie, attempt to fix my broken marriage, get checked for STDs, etc.

You tell. She gave your feelings no consideration while she was banging your husband. You owe her no such consideration in turn. However, her husband does deserve to know the snake he is married to.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Kisboros said:


> I wonder if the OW's husband is doing the same thing, so he wouldn't even blink of learning of his wife's shenanigans. However, she was adamant of not disturbing her marriage.




Well if she didn't want her marriage disturbed then maybe should have stuck to bedding her own husband.

Who cares what she wants. She didn't stop to ask you what you wanted. She had no issue messing with your marriage and life.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Telling the oh will make you feel better for a moment but what if he says "yeah so what." The other husband may not care, or he may go nuts and throw her out and file for divorce. Your focus is on healing yourself at this time and then your marriage if you choose, just ask yourself how it will make it better for you before you act. 

Your husband did the act, she didnt force him now did she? It sounds like she does this all the time, your husband was a prop for her fantasyworld nothing more. She doesnt appear to be chasing him, begging him to come back. 

Their are times when telling os is good and valid but I think that each situation is different.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

honcho said:


> Telling the oh will make you feel better for a moment but what if he says "yeah so what." The other husband may not care, or he may go nuts and throw her out and file for divorce. Your focus is on healing yourself at this time and then your marriage if you choose, just ask yourself how it will make it better for you before you act.
> 
> Your husband did the act, she didnt force him now did she? It sounds like she does this all the time, your husband was a prop for her fantasyworld nothing more. She doesnt appear to be chasing him, begging him to come back.
> 
> Their are times when telling os is good and valid but I think that each situation is different.


How interesting that you are the only one who did not flat out recommended to expose this woman to her husband. The thing is that if it's not on-going, only my anger would be stumped - or would it? - I wouldn't really achieve anything and you are right, the husband may be indifferent and only I would get even more upset. Maybe this woman is hunting because her husband is neglecting her. However, of course, with upstanding morale, she could try to resolve it with him and not destroy and **** on other peoples' marriages. BTW, she still has the prepaid phone, so she will keep doing this.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> On any site you post tell the truth. I would post on cheaterville.com.
> 
> If you have her craigslist site, copy it now and save it. And post it online.


 I don't have that; obviously she didn't advertise her true identity; I just know it because that's the site my husband likes to visit - in the past only for Corvette's  - and I found ads that would be perfectly fitting this situation.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Maybe this woman is hunting because her husband is neglecting her._

Irrelevant. Doesn't in any way excuse or justify cheating. The odds are heavily in favor that the BS will indeed care. And would like to know if he is living a lie.

Or look at it this way: If he's a negligent husband finding out about his wife's A could be his wake-up call to be a better spouse.. This is at least as plausible as the assumption that he wouldn't care.

You should tell.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Kisboros said:


> My husband had a three-months affair at age 64 after 18 years of being together. I discovered it through cell-phone calls and confronted him. He instantly stopped seeing this person; started to go to counseling and he is trying his best to work on our relationship....but, I have vengeance in my heart and since I don't want to do anything stupid, I thought, at least, to let the OW's husband know. Some of my friends and the therapist says, let it go, it would further ruin the relationship between my husband and me. One also doesn't know how the other husband would behave and it might endanger my husband. I am struggling with this. What are your thoughts?


Hi kisboros, please ignore this Honcho user, that is giving you this terrible advice, he/she (who knows) is a new user who for what we know can be a cheater and that is her/his way of thinking.

all veterans user will advise you to inform Posow's husband, you maybe are doing it for the wrong reasons, but is a good act in the end.

The revelation to the other betrayed spouse is fair and human, you may feel that you are shattering his world, but in true you are letting him live and decide knowing what his life partner has done, you can make him restore his dignity or restore his marriage whatever he choose.

If you read other users Thread her in TAM, almost 100% of the OM's/OW's spouses are grateful to the Bs that revealed the true.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She said she wanted a discreet affair so she doesn't want her husband finding out. Tell him. If her husband say's so what, then he says so what. You did your part.

Post her on cheaterville.com to protect other women who's husbands may fall for this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Kisboros said:


> My husband had a three-months affair at age 64 after 18 years of being together. I discovered it through cell-phone calls and confronted him. He instantly stopped seeing this person; started to go to counseling and he is trying his best to work on our relationship....but, I have vengeance in my heart and since I don't want to do anything stupid, I thought, at least, to let the OW's husband know. Some of my friends and the therapist says, let it go, it would further ruin the relationship between my husband and me. One also doesn't know how the other husband would behave and it might endanger my husband. I am struggling with this. What are your thoughts?


The decision is up to you, but I always question the "protect the wayward" response from other people. Now, if they argued against vengeance, vindictiveness or revenge then I can understand their viewpoint. That "On no what if..protect your marriage and husband" irritates me.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Please dont ever accuse me of cheating because I have a differing point of view. My wife cheated on me and I am experiencing first hand the devastation that cheating causes. Just because I am a new user is pointless excuse to blow off my opinion. I had one, I gave it, accusing me of being a cheater by it is, well insulting. 

I never told the person to not do it. I asked her to think about what she will gain, how it will help her and whether in fact she is doing it to try and help the os who may or may not know what going on or just to satisfy her vengence what good is it accomplishing. I asked to rationally think about her decision before acting, at least that is what I thought I wrote. 

In my case, I know other man, I know his grown daughters, one used to work for me several years ago. He does this all the time, its his hobby, and I know from past experience all his daughters would say it. "well thats dad" No remorse, no embarrassment, its just a joke to them. So why waste my energy on that, its doesnt help me.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Picture this- perhaps in a month, a year, maybe more. The OWs betrayed husband comes to you, he's discovered the affair, who knows how. He comes to you, to make sure you know. 

Are you going to say you knew already, and didn't do anything? 

I consider almost everyone that didn't tell me about my wife's A an enemy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

honcho said:


> Telling the oh will make you feel better for a moment but what if he says "yeah so what." The other husband may not care, or he may go nuts and throw her out and file for divorce. Your focus is on healing yourself at this time and then your marriage if you choose, just ask yourself how it will make it better for you before you act.
> 
> Your husband did the act, she didnt force him now did she? It sounds like she does this all the time, your husband was a prop for her fantasyworld nothing more. She doesnt appear to be chasing him, begging him to come back.
> 
> Their are times when telling os is good and valid but I think that each situation is different.



Honcho, have you read NO MORE MISTR NICE GUY and MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER? People fight for their marriages, including takeing care of jerks that attack the marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

honcho said:


> .
> 
> Their are times when telling os is good and valid but I think that each situation is different.


Most definitely and this is obviously one of those times where exposure is the best route for the OP and her marriage.

Exposing comes as close to a guarantee her husband will not be screwing this OW anymore as can be had.

It's the only obvious ethical choice concerning the OWH because he needs to know the danger his wife is putting him in.

Last but most definitely not least it will most certainly **** her life up almost as much as OP's has been ****ed up by her and I do enjoy righteous vengeance.

OP,

Write the OWH a letter with your contact info along with any evidence you have letting him know he can contact you for any further info.

Send it certified mail so it must be signed for by him


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

honcho said:


> Please dont ever accuse me of cheating because I have a differing point of view. My wife cheated on me and I am experiencing first hand the devastation that cheating causes. Just because I am a new user is pointless excuse to blow off my opinion. I had one, I gave it, accusing me of being a cheater by it is, well insulting.
> 
> I never told the person to not do it. I asked her to think about what she will gain, how it will help her and whether in fact she is doing it to try and help the os who may or may not know what going on or just to satisfy her vengence what good is it accomplishing. I asked to rationally think about her decision before acting, at least that is what I thought I wrote.
> 
> In my case, I know other man, I know his grown daughters, one used to work for me several years ago. He does this all the time, its his hobby, and I know from past experience all his daughters would say it. "well thats dad" No remorse, no embarrassment, its just a joke to them. So why waste my energy on that, its doesnt help me.


Then put him on cheaterville.com and let everyone know he preys on other families. Do not make excuses for not standing up against him. Let his family be proud of that. I would post him there, other sites like cheaterville and send him, his family, his friends, facebook and his office the link and dare him to do anything about it. Anything less is just slinking off and accepting victim status.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I say tell so her husband can deiced if he wants to stay with his WW.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

manticore said:


> Hi kisboros, please ignore this Honcho user, that is giving you this terrible advice, he/she (who knows) *is a new user who for what we know can be a cheater and that is her/his way of thinking.*
> all veterans user will advise you to inform Posow's husband, you maybe are doing it for the wrong reasons, but is a good act in the end.
> 
> The revelation to the other betrayed spouse is fair and human, you may feel that you are shattering his world, but in true you are letting him live and decide knowing what his life partner has done, you can make him restore his dignity or restore his marriage whatever he choose.
> ...


LOL... you are also a new user, so I guess we should ignore you as well?

People post from different points of view. It's up to the OP to decide what she believes is right for her. I'm sure she is capable of coming to her own conclusions.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

YES.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kisboros said:


> My husband had a three-months affair at age 64 after 18 years of being together. I discovered it through cell-phone calls and confronted him. He instantly stopped seeing this person; started to go to counseling and he is trying his best to work on our relationship....but, I have vengeance in my heart and since I don't want to do anything stupid, I thought, at least, to let the OW's husband know. Some of my friends and the therapist says, let it go, it would further ruin the relationship between my husband and me. One also doesn't know how the other husband would behave and it might endanger my husband. I am struggling with this. What are your thoughts?


How solid is your evidence? 


The main reason for telling the affair partner's spouse about the affair is to help end the affair. It usually does this. But at this point you think that the affair is over.


Think carefully about what you expect to gain from telling. Don't do it out of revenge.


When my son's father cheated on me, people in our community knew he was cheating. No one told me. I wish that someone had enough character to tell me.

One you tell, however, you have no control over the blowback. The OW's husband might ignore it, he might take the info and use it for save or end his marriage, he might beat her, he might come after your husband. 

Most people do not turn violent when they find out about their spouse's affair(s). Just know that it could happen.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

Exposure takes the thrill out of the affair(or future affairs). I would want to know if it were my SO and I would thank you for telling me. It's the right thing to do.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How solid is your evidence?
> 
> 
> The main reason for telling the affair partner's spouse about the affair is to help end the affair. It usually does this. But at this point you think that the affair is over.
> ...


That could happen even if the OP doesn't tell him.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I see it this way so its just my take on this scenario.

The OW wanted an affair, she went out "shopping" for it and caught the goods. 

Q. Is your H the only one who she is playing away from home with? - you dont know but you may have to suspect that there may be others in teh queuing system.
Therefore: STI check for you and your H as this celeb appears to be well versed in getting their kicks from social media sites.

Q. could the H of teh OW be at it as well - Unknown at this stage but if he is then can he be carrying home some unwanted medical issues and passing them about? (see above for actions)

Q. If the OWs' H is not playing the same game could he also be at risk of catching something - He needs the opportunity to safeguard himself from STIs.

Q. If the other H is unaware of his W's extra marital fun should he know - Place yourslef there and I suspect as many have said here He Needs To Know ASAP. What he does with the evidence is up to him.

Q. Would your H be happy youve spilt the beans - His opinion is not valid as he was the one that caused the issue along with his affair partner. Therefore, you have a god given right to put in place actions to bring about reduced risk of your H going off and doing it again and also stopping this "celeb" from spreading more opportunities for marital breakdowns'

Q. Do you make the OW's H aware of who you are - That really is up to you but given that he may have an idea that something is going on then give him the details without full identification i.e. all the facts in writing through the post or email (email under assumed name) if that make you feel better. Many partners will still ask questions of their spouse if there is enough detail to provide dates and times of meetings etc.

Sometimes the best form of defense is ATTACK!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

There is a lot of advice here but there is one very important reason.

You could be saving his life!

He could get HIV from his whoring wife. Some jealous AP could kill him. I know the latter sounds like movie of the week stuff buy it does happen.

Tell this poor guy. If someone had told me, I would of had a choice whether or not to waste what literally were the best years of my life.

I think not telling makes you as guilty as your husband in the affair.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Expose it. You would want to know if it was you. Wouldn't you? Also, a little bit of vengeance is not a bad thing, I think your therapist is wrong on this. Also, if it harms the relationship with your husband, then maybe you shouldn't be reconciling? Why would it harm it, unless he is still in love with her? Makes no sense to me.

When infidelity happens, you can't and should not be a nice person. Nice people only get screwed.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

True remorse would be showing you the site he went on, her craiglist's profile. Keep in mind that these posts can be deleted. If your husband balks at this you will know he is not sincere. When you get this information I would send it to the OW's husband.

Sure people can react in different ways. In my case the XOM's wie did not believe me the second time. I exposed it in 2011 and the A never ended. When I contacted her in April of this year and his pastor they both thought I was a lying nut, they both said he had no contact with my wife since Nov. 2011. When I threatened the XOM, his employer and the pastor the XOM came clean to his wife.

I hate liars.


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

When I caught my exH in an affair, I called his APs current bf. I even contacted her previous bf (these were both live in, long term relationships, although she wasn't married to either as far as I know). Do it. 

This is the way I did it: 
I contacted her ex first because he still lived in our town and much of the A seemed to have gone on while she was with him. I went to his house and knocked on the door.He took me into his office ad showed me how he had been suspicious of her for years, he showed me how he had made spread sheets and computer records trying to figure out her phone calls and stuff. Wow if I had only known then....He was glad to find out who it was. (my ex was her boss) and it also explained to him why she left town so abruptly and broke up with him. 

AND most important to me, it proved to him he was never crazy. The look on his face, like "my god, I was right, I wasn't crazy!!" was very validating to me. 

He said she used to come home "from work" with her hair wet like she had just taken a shower. saying she washed it in the sink cause she spilled something. She got very depressed and wouldn't get off the couch after she no longer worked for my husband (I always thought they felt it would be exposed so my Ex made her quit, because I was really starting to question) She moved but they continued their contact. Everyday. 

It took me a month to find her current bf. I called him and was very calm. Be very calm. Be very factual. Say you are sorry but you feel he should know. Do not call the OW names or be insulting, because getting a phone call like that has to be shocking and confusing for a spouse. My stance was "it's not fair to you for her to do this". 

I hear this all the time that maybe the spouse already knows. I don't know why people think this. I have never encountered or heard of a real situation where a spouse was told something like this and said "oh whatever, yeah I know".


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kisboros said:


> My husband had a three-months affair at age 64 after 18 years of being together. I discovered it through cell-phone calls and confronted him. He instantly stopped seeing this person; started to go to counseling and he is trying his best to work on our relationship....but, I have vengeance in my heart and since I don't want to do anything stupid, I thought, at least, to let the OW's husband know. Some of my friends and the therapist says, let it go, it would further ruin the relationship between my husband and me. One also doesn't know how the other husband would behave and it might endanger my husband. I am struggling with this. What are your thoughts?


Well if he knew and didn't tell you...how would YOU feel?

Golden rule really never goes away.


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## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

You need to tell OWH.


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## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

Kisboros said:


> This woman is an aging Hollywood "celebrity", a choreographer who obviously doesn't want to get into trouble in her own circles. She advertised for a "discreet affair" on Craigslist and flounced her "celebrity" status by guiding my husband to her Facebook page where 20 year old pics are shown of her. He went for it. Guess he was impressed. The woman clearly told him that he doesn't want a divorce. Oh, and she is 50 years old, so 14 years husband junior. I am also considering to expose her on Cheaterville, Youtube, and anything else I can do it on legally. Why should she get away with this Scott free?


All the more reason you should expose.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

sedona said:


> When I caught my exH in an affair, I called his APs current bf. I even contacted her previous bf (these were both live in, long term relationships, although she wasn't married to either as far as I know). Do it.
> 
> This is the way I did it:
> I contacted her ex first because he still lived in our town and much of the A seemed to have gone on while she was with him. I went to his house and knocked on the door.He took me into his office ad showed me how he had been suspicious of her for years, he showed me how he had made spread sheets and computer records trying to figure out her phone calls and stuff. Wow if I had only known then....He was glad to find out who it was. (my ex was her boss) and it also explained to him why she left town so abruptly and broke up with him.
> ...


I have a problem that I don't know how to get to the OW husband. They have a security gated home with a call box; unless I stalk them and sit in front of the house, I don't know how to catch this man. Of course if she answers the call box, she will not let me near herself or the husband. I have only her throw away cellphone number and her email addresses, which are published on LinkedIn, so although she is a rather public figure, her husband is in the background. I have another property in their family. I thought I may be visiting them and try to get to the husband that way, but those people may be this woman's relatives and wouldn't want to help me out. The way I found her was that I hired a private detective for $500 and they identified her through the prepaid phone - which I found rather amazing -. Shall I pay another $500 to find the husband? I am not sure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why is it that these sleaze buckets always run to counseling when they get caught? It just reeks of phonyness.
What have you done to deal with your hb?? Remember that he purposely answered an ad for an affair; it's not even like he knew and got close to this wh0re. Is counseling allhe needs to bullsheet you?
Why don't you tell your hb that if he wants to stay married to you he will tell her hb, or must provide you contact information so you can tell him? His reaction will tell you a lot about where his loyalties are. Make sure you get proof if he does it or he can lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

For good measures: here is the Cheaterville post. It is published as of now.
http://www.cheaterville.com/?page=cheaters&id=29835&sid=84083


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Is she celebrity enough for something like...TMZ? If a celebrity slept with my husband, I would thrash her all over the media.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why is it that these sleaze buckets always run to counseling when they get caught? It just reeks of phonyness.
> What have you done to deal with your hb?? Remember that he purposely answered an ad for an affair; it's not even like he knew and got close to this wh0re. Is counseling allhe needs to bullsheet you?
> Why don't you tell your hb that if he wants to stay married to you he will tell her hb, or must provide you contact information so you can tell him? His reaction will tell you a lot about where his loyalties are. Make sure you get proof if he does it or he can lie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually I wanted to go to counseling because we have other issues. My husband appears to be remorseful, so I give him the benefit of the doubt for now. One more slip and he is history...and he is well aware of it. I offered him an out and he doesn't want to leave me.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Is she celebrity enough for something like...TMZ? If a celebrity slept with my husband, I would thrash her all over the media.


I am going baby-steps with it because I don't want to ruin my husband's reputation. I know, I know, he deserves it, but since we have decided to stay together, it is kind of my protection as well. Although I just posted on Cheaterville, I didn't give his name out, so people cannot be 100% sure that it is me and my H.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

sedona said:


> It took me a month to find her current bf. I called him and was very calm. Be very calm. Be very factual. Say you are sorry but you feel he should know. Do not call the OW names or be insulting, because getting a phone call like that has to be shocking and confusing for a spouse. My stance was "it's not fair to you for her to do this".


Not to derail OP's thread but I think it's pertinent. How did the current BF react?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Kisboros said:


> Some of my friends and the therapist says, let it go, it would further ruin the relationship between my husband and me.


Bullcrap. The only way it would further ruin the relationship more than he has already ruined it is if he still cares about this OW and wants to protect her. And if that's the case, there is no use in staying with him anyway.

Tell the OW's husband. If your H gets angry, then you will know he wants to protect her and cares about her.




> One also doesn't know how the other husband would behave and it might endanger my husband.


I doubt that will happen. But if it does, that's on your husband, not you.

Tell the OW's husband. He deserves to know he is married to a ho so he can make an informed decision about how his life turns out.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Kisboros said:


> This woman is an aging Hollywood "celebrity", a choreographer who obviously doesn't want to get into trouble in her own circles. She advertised for a "discreet affair" on Craigslist and flounced her "celebrity" status by guiding my husband to her Facebook page where 20 year old pics are shown of her.


Ah, then definitely tell the H. Unless he is a celebrity himself, he probably stands to make some good coin off her in a divorce.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Ah, then definitely tell the H. Unless he is a celebrity himself, he probably stands to make some good coin off her in a divorce.


 In all my misery, your post made me giggle; thank you!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Gotta have a little of that sweetie. Hold your head up.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I wouldn't use your full name in the cheaterville post. 

The site also has an anonymous email feature you could use to send the link to her husband. No reason to stop the exposure.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Kisboros said:


> For good measures: here is the Cheaterville post. It is published as of now.
> Lisa Ruffin - celebrity predator of married men - Lisa Ruffin


Kudos for doing it.
The only problem with your post on there is that your husband has the title of "victim". I mean, lol ! He's anything but a victim. He's just as guilty as her and belongs on there too. Well, I understand, he's your husband and you don't want to trash him, but victim, he's not. It also sounds like you're justifying his decision to cheat, "he was bored". " he was working long hours", etc. You may want to edit your post on there if you want some credibility.

Go on and expose to the OWH asap. There's nothing wrong with revenge when you are right. She was going to wreck your marriage, why wouldn't you bring havoc in hers? Her H deserves better. Honestly, you too do.

One thing about your post is worrisome: you said your counselor thinks exposing to the OWH can worsen your relationship with your H. Why is that? Would he be angry if you exposed ? If that, he is not remorseful and still protecting the OW. You are in fake R if he still cares about her well-being.
Or is he/ are you worried that the OWH will come kick his ass ? Most likely won't happen, but if it will, well, he can use a lesson. He knew what he was getting into, didn't he? No bad in somebody giving him a good shaking...


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

tainted said:


> I wouldn't use your full name in the cheaterville post.
> 
> The site also has an anonymous email feature you could use to send the link to her husband. No reason to stop the exposure.


Yes, I was thinking about not using my name, but I wanted to make it more real.

Unfortunately I don't know the husband's email.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Kudos for doing it.
> The only problem with your post on there is that your husband has the title of "victim". I mean, lol ! He's anything but a victim. He's just as guilty as her and belongs on there too. Well, I understand, he's your husband and you don't want to trash him, but victim, he's not. It also sounds like you're justifying his decision to cheat, "he was bored". " he was working long hours", etc. You may want to edit your post on there if you want some credibility.
> 
> When I put my name as victim, the program defaulted to a "lesbian" problem. Couldn't change it.
> ...


I think the counselor advises to drop snooping because we need to work on re-building our relationship and the constant dealing wiht the other party is a distraction from that goal. The truth is that I think the same, but I cannot stop myself. I keep making myself upset over and over again by digging further and further. My common sense says to stop because I am causing myself more harm than good. My vindictive self says to expose this tramp, so I am vacillating.
My husband doesn't protect her; he just says what good would it serve to expose her? Maybe she could gain even more publicity to her fading fame (this is my opinion, not my husband's), who knows in these Hollywood circles what works or not?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Kisboros said:


> Yes, I was thinking about not using my name, but I wanted to make it more real.
> 
> Unfortunately I don't know the husband's email.


Pay a detective to find it for you. Or pay him/ her to get the information over to him so that he can call you.


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