# Going from joint to separate finances in marriage



## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

Hi Folks -

Until recently in my marriage (18+ years) my wife and I used a joint checking account. My wife was stay at home, all my income was direct deposited to the joint account. I had some credit cards, she had some credit cards. But I managed them - paid each month online out of our joint account, monitored for fraud, etc. She was always free to use the cards and I didn't much care as she is reasonably frugal (sometimes I'd ask what a particular charge was if it wasn't obvious to see if it was legit.)

About 16 months ago she re-entered the workplace. She direct deposited her paychecks into the joint account. Or so I thought!

One day I found a large credit on one of the credit card statements. When I called they said the wife had paid. I asked her what was up and it turned out she had opened her own checking account. She had been splitting 80-20% her pay.

We are now seeing a marriage councilor to work through some issues - including my new lack of trust in her. She also had set up the account to an eye on leaving me. So we are working on the issues that drove her to that also.

So... now the question. as part of counseling it turns out she considered me controlling. So we are starting to split out our finances as a sign that I am not (or have changed, depends on your POV  )


I am struggling with how to do this and also with her new desire for 'privacy'. (One last context data: I make about 4x her salary.)

The equitable plan: 
-- make my own private checking account where my paycheck goes
-- have her deposit 100% to her checking account

-- she pays HER credit cards, car payment
-- I pay my CC and car payment

-- we budget food, kids expenses, mortgage, utils, etc - in short all common expences
-- I'll pay in a proportion of my salary to that and so will she (4:1 ratio)

Problems:
-- her salary won't even pay her CC and car payment, let alone anything to the common expenses. This means I'll be paying her CC and car as well as common expenses (100%), and she won't have her precious 'extra' she wants to feel free. 
-- travel and miscellaneous we'll need to now argue about.

This doesn't seem fair or workable and isn't going to make her feel less controlled.

To me it seems just like the old system before she worked - I make all the money and pay all the bills. Except now she has credit cards and a checking account that I don't have visibility too!


Suggestions on alternative plans?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

My suggestion is to ask her for her input on how to best set up the finances. (If you came up with this full plan without her input and think that she will feel less controlled by it, then you don't get it yet. That is controlling in its own way.) You need to work with her and listen to her ideas and be willing to compromise to come to a final plan.

And keep at the marriage counseling. There are bigger issues here between you two than finances. You need to hear them and work to resolve them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like a roommate situation, not a marriage. I don't understand why she feels controlled, she has access to a CC and a checking account. I thinking splitting the bills and her having her own checking account is a bad idea. You should be putting both of your checks into one account, there shouldn't be a his and hers, it should be ours. 

The bigger problem is why she wants her own checking account that you don't have access too? What is she hiding from you? She must have resentment about something.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My H and I have separate accounts and each of us pay specific bills. He pays the mortgage and I pay the kids private school tuition...it comes out about the same.

It works because two people with one account and two separate debit cards caused overdraft issues and other concerns.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

If you are on any of the credit cards with her, call and cancel them. If she feels a desire to use credit, she can apply and get some in her own name ONLY! If she can't afford 'her' car, it's time to amputate the Tahoe and get her a car she can afford.

Seeing as she wants to separate things, I say do it and show her the harsh realities of not combining the marital finances. She thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, time to show her otherwise. Offer to help her setup a budget so she can see what she can and cannot afford going at this on her own. She can budget her travel and miscellaneous all by herself like a adult with adult responsibilities has to. She wants financial freedom so give it to her!

She, for whatever reason (not being harsh, just don't know ya' bro) chose to marry you and further stay in the M. You had children together and she got the privilege to not have to work (maybe I'm wrong, maybe she got laid-off then found work 16 months ago?). Something has changed and you've got to figure this out. If she never told you that you "control" her before, this sounds awfully suspicious to suddenly claim that. Another topic, but be alert for signs of a workplace affair beginning, or the worst case, already in place.

Ok, enough rambling and back to your initial issue with the finances: If trying to help her see that being an adult on her own means being responsible for her own finances AND that makes you "controlling" then realize it doesn't and do your best not to fall for that manipulation. Another way to look at it is if she were indeed on her own and left you, would you still be to blame for her lack of money? Would you still be blamed as "controlling" if you were out of the picture? C'Mon man, she spewed this as some sort of hurtful emotional response directed towards you to upset you OR as an excuse by her to further not discuss her real issues with the M! !! I'm leaning towards the latter where she doesn't want to tell you what is really going on with both the finances and her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest you discuss moving back to one shared account. If she won't agree, then set up separate accounts and contribute to a joint account for JOINT bills. If the car and her CCs are in her name, do not help her pay them. She can cancel her CC if that leaves her enough to pay her car. Let her see the harsh realities of what she wants. Be careful though: in some states you are responsible for any debts she incurs, so if she decides to be irresponsible you may be left holding the bag.

Of course, if you end up divorcing, she'll get a lot of the assets, and probably alimony - depending on where you live, it could be a good deal for you or disastrous if you're a in state that could award alimony for life. If the latter, think very carefully and strategically about any moves you make and when you make them.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

SurpriseMyself: Yes, there are bigger issues around respect (in both directions), sex, and parenting. Whew! Control is one issue. I did not show her the plan - I asked her what her suggestions are for how to move forward. That was a few days ago. Unfortunately she is a slow processor and is also has passive-aggressive tendencies. Left alone she may never come up with a plan 

HappilyMarried: Yea, exactly. We agreed years ago to the jointness of everything when we were first married and she was very happy with it. Even 10 years ago I asked and she said it was fine - she didn't like dealing with finances and thought joint was more in the spirit of a marriage. Her sister and husband had separate accounts and there was never any end to arguments they had. She didn't want that. 
Things changed 1) when she hit menopause (a lot of hither to unknown 'independence' and 'control' issues sprang up in that year or two) 2) when I threatened to take her off the joint checking account because of a particular money argument we were having were we disagreed about how to move forward on an issue.
Since to some degree I was the root of the control issue here I am trying to be very reasonable and respect her feelings. (I love her!) It is hard, though. it seems like I am giving up things and getting nothing in return.

Whatslovegottodowithit: None of the CC are joint. They are her name only. Her car is in my name and I pay it currently. It is a late used minivan, fairly frugal. I bought it (like all her last cars) while she was a stay at home mom (her choice - quit a few months after our first child was born. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and I always made much more $ than her so it was fine. The cost of her day care and the taxes would have wiped her salary anyway.) I was concerned about a workplace affair but I am fairly sure that is not it. I think it is mostly the 'change of life'  [I hate saying that ... blaming something on hormones isn't my style... but the last couple of years have been rough!]
Marriedbuthappy: I think I'd like to keep it as shared checking... but she'll only do that if she gets to keep some 'mad money' ($2-300/month or so). BTW, I should say that although those CC are in her name, and she wants to manage them, up until now they were 'in her name only'. In other words we used them for joint activities. I also use the 0% offers to move money between my CC and hers. So those debts on her cards are joint debts... right now. Now that she has control I don't know what may happen. In this state, all assets and debt are considered together for a divorce so long as they were acquired during the marriage (all of this was). So everything she runs up from here on out costs me 50% in the end. She wouldn't get alimony while I'd be paying child support - 10 more years (its one or the other here, not both) After retirement there would be no alimony - and that is in 10 years for me. So no alimony!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi there IWasBad,

You should consider your wife's wishes. But, you also need to have a hard talk about finances. She wanted to be a SAHM and not worry about finances, and now she is complaining about them. She may be ignorant of the finances and you are the convenient scapegoat when she cannot have what she wants.

If her salary will not cover a used car note and credit card, she does not make much. And even 4x that income is not much to support a family. In that situation she'd be complaining about your perceived control issues when in fact you are doing well to make sure the bills get paid.

So now she diverts 80% of her check to personal spending. That does not seem fair. IMO there are two potential things happening. Either she is ignorant of your finances or she is putting her needs first and leaving the rest up to you.

IMO, your goal should not necessarily be to make her not feel controlled. You should consider her input and come up with a plan that is fair to both your needs while reflecting financial reality. Don't fall for "you're the man and should take care of me", "you managed before", or anything similar.

Indeed, with that large of an income discrepancy, any talks about how there isn't enough money should ask the question of how she is going to work to reduce the income discrepancy.

ETA: I like the idea of three checking accounts. You each have your own account plus a joint one for paying joint bills. You each fund the joint account in some equitable manner. The rub, of course, is what is equitable. The 4:1 ratio you suggested is a good starting point for discussion.

Complete transparency is a must. Also, you should have regular meetings regarding the state of your finances. Hopefully, her seeing how her income stacks up against all the bills will change her tune. If not you have a whole 'nother set of issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does not matter whose name the credit cards are in. Either party can run them up. Then if there is a divorce you get to split them 50/50... or the court might say that since you have a higher income you get to pay off her credit cards.

I would never agree to having no visibility into my spouses finances. It's a great way to end up with some pretty ugly surprises.

If you do end up separating everything, make sure that there is an agreement to share each other's annual credit reports. At least that way you have some visibility.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

UPDATE:

So, we still haven't had the big discussion on how separating things is going to work. We have a 'date' Wed to do that and she finally give it some thought. We discussed it a bit over the weekend.

The good: She agreed that I can have online access to "her" credit cards". The ones we used to use for joint expenses but now she is 100% in control of (though I pay the monthly bills out of my pay.)

The bad: She refuses to give me transparency to her checking account. Not access. She can have her name only on it and be the only one to spend/deposit to it. I'm fine with that. But I have reserved the right to say I want to see the monthly statements. This she has refused. Her reason? I shouldn't have to do that if you trust me.

So now I am in a big trust quandary. I mean, the credit cards I can see... but not checking account? If it was a matter of 'you should just trust me' wouldn't that just apply to all her finances? I suddenly feel like she is hiding something.

Yes, we have been married 20 years and it's been rocky here and there - especially lately. We have been in counseling for three months and are making some progress here and there, slowly. Painfully 


Trust had not been an issue we had until now.

Am I crazy to demand transparency on her account? (After all, it is legally 50% mine in MA anyway!) Or is she right to say 'just trust me'. Those seem like liar words


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I was bad,

First of all - sorry for you - this is a bad situation.

The desire for secrecy is likely driven by her continued desire to leave. 

Let me tell you what was so striking to me about this thread. 

Your wife WANTS to end the marriage. She WANTS to leave. 

And yet your focus is not on getting her to WANT to stay. Instead it's on preventing her from having the ability to start preparing to leave. 

I'm not going to comment on her behavior either way. 

But I will say that your focus seems to be on making it difficult for her to leave, more so than creating an environment where she wants to stay. 






IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> So, we still haven't had the big discussion on how separating things is going to work. We have a 'date' Wed to do that and she finally give it some thought. We discussed it a bit over the weekend.
> 
> ...


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

This doesn't sound good guy! She doesn't want to work with you as a team, and as such, you need to decide if you want any part of this as she has already decided she does not. If she doesn't agree to allow you to view the acct., the only way you will see it is through financial discovery. ***TOTAL RED FLAGS HERE! !!***

Using her argument, you should both lead separate lives and be alright with it because you should "trust" the other to do the right thing. Are you falling for this manipulation? Are you a pushover? A momma's boy? Is trust something you or her have/had issues with as a couple or your individual pasts? She either feels this will work with you OR is subtly telling you to take a hike because the M is over.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

Mem: I hear you. Thanks for the observation! Let me add a bit more background/info to this and please let me know your continued thoughts.

So, the trigger on putting the marriage in crisis was the financial disagreement and what I viewed as a financial betrayal. Discussion brought up a boatload of grievances on both our parts and in Feb/early March she said 'though she loved me there's too much that's gone bad'. She wanted a divorce. After some days more of discussion we agree mutually and pretty handily to see a councilor and reassess. Up until the first week of May she said we made very little progress (the councilor and I disagreed, we thought we were making moderate progress.) She again brought up Divorce. I essentially said ok. The very next day she said she thought about my ok which I followed by some statements like "What a pity. I really saw us growing old together". She said she wanted to go 'all in' on reconciliation for 6 months and then reassess.  Kewl!
We have both made significant compromises all May long on a number of topics. We both cuddle and kiss more. We have a once a week scheduled physical intimacy (up from prior non-scheduled but only once every monthish) We profess our love for each other still and I believe her when she says it. Sometimes with tears and sometimes followed by a 'But I wish I didn't!' in a playful tone. But we are falling off this wagon every so often. This weekend we had lonnnnng discussions (which she hates!) about finances but even more about trust. These discussions were heading to 'Ive made enough compromise, if you want more we are done.' I point out that committing to six months of talking was her plan. We had makeup sex (yea!) and a good rest of the night. This morning I asked if we are still on the plan and she said "yes" but with some seeming reluctance (my paranoia? Maybe!) It is HARD work making up for 20 years of non-talking and we are both in doubt now and then. 

BTW. We have lost one daughter at age 6 to Cystic Fibrosis and came through it. Our son age 18 also has it and won't live past 35. We've spent yearssss going in and out of hospitals - staying 24x7 in shifts, etc. We had about 10 years of wither severe medical day to day problems and/or grief and grief counseling. We didn't talk much about *us* and all the 'normal' marriage stuff got put onto a back burner. It is since 2012, the first opportunity to kick back and reflect, when all the bad stuff really started. The talking about the pain and grievances of our 19 year marriage really only just began in January with the crisis. In addition, in 2012 her father dies. She wasn't very close to him - he was a domineering and scary guy. But we found his 'autobiography' (such a narcissist!) where he admitted to several affairs during the 40 year marriage - unknown to the mother (or at least she never let on). This came as a blow to my wife. It was also the year our son got confirmed with CF and I also lost my job for 7 months. It was a great year. So her and I have no end to topics. But we really do love each other and I think most of the time we say our proffered mode would be using all our teamwork we've had for the kids and applying it to this marriage. But it really hard. especially for her as she is passive-aggressive and hates ANY confrontation (and even a normal discussion seems to fit 'conflict' in her definition a lot of times). On my side I am really impatient with the process. Especially as we now at least have lists of grievances. If we both truly worked hard I'd like to wrap up solutioning. But she has grievances she's having trouble letting go of - some of which I absolutely understand and I own (like my bad temper which scares her!!!!) but I'd like to move on from. But she doesn't trust me that I've changed (I am on a SSRI, exercise each day and see my own councilor once a week. My wife agrees I've been very, very good for months.)


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IWB,

Wow. Ok - sort of speechless. That situation would have crushed most marriages a long time ago.

I can't imagine how you've done that - and come through as you have. 

You've done an excellent job of describing this dynamic you have with your wife. Including the turning point - which was you accepting the marriage was over and your wife coming back with a 6 month commitment. 

In your mind, what is the worst case scenario of her having a private checking account? 










IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Mem: I hear you. Thanks for the observation! Let me add a bit more background/info to this and please let me know your continued thoughts.
> 
> So, the trigger on putting the marriage in crisis was the financial disagreement and what I viewed as a financial betrayal. Discussion brought up a boatload of grievances on both our parts and in Feb/early March she said 'though she loved me there's too much that's gone bad'. She wanted a divorce. After some days more of discussion we agree mutually and pretty handily to see a councilor and reassess. Up until the first week of May she said we made very little progress (the councilor and I disagreed, we thought we were making moderate progress.) She again brought up Divorce. I essentially said ok. The very next day she said she thought about my ok which I followed by some statements like "What a pity. I really saw us growing old together". She said she wanted to go 'all in' on reconciliation for 6 months and then reassess. Kewl!
> We have both made significant compromises all May long on a number of topics. We both cuddle and kiss more. We have a once a week scheduled physical intimacy (up from prior non-scheduled but only once every monthish) We profess our love for each other still and I believe her when she says it. Sometimes with tears and sometimes followed by a 'But I wish I didn't!' in a playful tone. But we are falling off this wagon every so often. This weekend we had lonnnnng discussions (which she hates!) about finances but even more about trust. These discussions were heading to 'Ive made enough compromise, if you want more we are done.' I point out that committing to six months of talking was her plan. We had makeup sex (yea!) and a good rest of the night. This morning I asked if we are still on the plan and she said "yes" but with some seeming reluctance (my paranoia? Maybe!) It is HARD work making up for 20 years of non-talking and we are both in doubt now and then.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What is the worst case scenario in your mind - of her having a checking account?




IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Mem: I hear you. Thanks for the observation! Let me add a bit more background/info to this and please let me know your continued thoughts.
> 
> So, the trigger on putting the marriage in crisis was the financial disagreement and what I viewed as a financial betrayal. Discussion brought up a boatload of grievances on both our parts and in Feb/early March she said 'though she loved me there's too much that's gone bad'. She wanted a divorce. After some days more of discussion we agree mutually and pretty handily to see a councilor and reassess. Up until the first week of May she said we made very little progress (the councilor and I disagreed, we thought we were making moderate progress.) She again brought up Divorce. I essentially said ok. The very next day she said she thought about my ok which I followed by some statements like "What a pity. I really saw us growing old together". She said she wanted to go 'all in' on reconciliation for 6 months and then reassess. Kewl!
> We have both made significant compromises all May long on a number of topics. We both cuddle and kiss more. We have a once a week scheduled physical intimacy (up from prior non-scheduled but only once every monthish) We profess our love for each other still and I believe her when she says it. Sometimes with tears and sometimes followed by a 'But I wish I didn't!' in a playful tone. But we are falling off this wagon every so often. This weekend we had lonnnnng discussions (which she hates!) about finances but even more about trust. These discussions were heading to 'Ive made enough compromise, if you want more we are done.' I point out that committing to six months of talking was her plan. We had makeup sex (yea!) and a good rest of the night. This morning I asked if we are still on the plan and she said "yes" but with some seeming reluctance (my paranoia? Maybe!) It is HARD work making up for 20 years of non-talking and we are both in doubt now and then.
> ...


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

_In your mind, what is the worst case scenario of her having a private checking account?_

So I distinguish between the "having the account" and the "not being transparent". Although she started the separate account secretly - and that hurt and seems a betrayal of our agreed financial model of 19 years standing. But there was motivation that I can't argue with and so I accept the existence and continued existence. It is my finding it out by happenstance and her not just having volunteered saying "I've done this today because of xyz" when she opened it up. That lays seeds of "okay... the ends justifies the means" and its okay to hide (big) things if you don't want conflict.

On the transparency I feel there must now be something there she doesn't want me to see. Worst case? Writing checks to lawyer despite saying she hasn't talked to a lawyer and won't until the end of the six months. Is that bad? Well, it would be another exposed lie - probably with the same 'I needed to' rational. Another worst case could be signs of infidelity - but I don't really think that's the case. But with all that's happened my doubts have increased.

She is very upset I don't trust her. But when I say here's a list of things that I think would rebuild trust she refuses to do any. Mostly with the blanket "You should just trust me if you love me" so doing these things (like showing the bank statement) in her mind is unneeded and insulting (she says). If it were me I'd probably be lightly irritated at the lack of trust but it would be a no-brainer to do it to help my partner feel better - which is what our mutual goals should always be!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Can't seem to navigate to page two of this thread. 



IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Hi Folks -
> 
> Until recently in my marriage (18+ years) my wife and I used a joint checking account. My wife was stay at home, all my income was direct deposited to the joint account. I had some credit cards, she had some credit cards. But I managed them - paid each month online out of our joint account, monitored for fraud, etc. She was always free to use the cards and I didn't much care as she is reasonably frugal (sometimes I'd ask what a particular charge was if it wasn't obvious to see if it was legit.)
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Iwasbad,

There are two schools of thought on this. And having attended both schools I'll give you my viewpoint. 

The first school is focused on the mechanics of marriage. In that school - everything is ultimately right or wrong, good or bad. When someone does something you dislike or disagree with the focus is on what they did 'wrong' and how you can prevent a repeat of the action. 

The second school is focused on the spirit of the marriage. In this school, the first question asked after a painful incident is: why

But it's a genuine question. It's not a 'why' did you do this deceitful thing. See THAT question absolves the asker of responsibility from the outset. 

The real question is: why don't you trust me - to act in your best interest? 

The stuff below will either be easy, impossible or somewhere in between. If you've let go of your fear, it will be easy. If you haven't - than your control issues are continuing to impact your marriage. 

--------
If it was me - I'd accept the checking account without visibility AND I would say this: 

You've stuck it out despite an incredibly painful situation with the kids and their health issues. So I am giving you full amnesty for anything that's already happened. I don't care what it is - and I mean that. So the checking account is yours to do with as you wish. It's also true that if you're carrying anything around that feels bad - you have the option of sharing the load with me. 

And just so we're clear - I love you and want to stay married. And it's also true that - if you reach or have reached the point of no return and want to end things - I will support that decision as well, painful as it will be for me. 






IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> _In your mind, what is the worst case scenario of her having a private checking account?_
> 
> So I distinguish between the "having the account" and the "not being transparent". Although she started the separate account secretly - and that hurt and seems a betrayal of our agreed financial model of 19 years standing. But there was motivation that I can't argue with and so I accept the existence and continued existence. It is my finding it out by happenstance and her not just having volunteered saying "I've done this today because of xyz" when she opened it up. That lays seeds of "okay... the ends justifies the means" and its okay to hide (big) things if you don't want conflict.
> 
> ...


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

Thanks again for the input here!

>The real question is: why don't you trust me - to act in your best interest? 

So, she has said "I love me more than I love you".
She has said "The children are more important than you."
She has said "Only my sister gives me 'unconditional love'"

So, given that I am pretty low on the totem pole, with several other's interests ahead of mine, "best" become only relative and not even close to absolute.

Point taken though on the choice of saying I accept the no visibility in the spirit of the marriage. I think it *does* test my control... or maybe my fear.. . or maybe one and the same. I don't claim I am free of some need for control. I had a mother who was very domineering in the house and controlled lots of little things. I have lived my 50 years to some degree trying to overcome my reaction to that. Not always successfully. Especially when it comes to women I love.

My wife had a domineering father which taught her passive aggressive and made her overly sensitive to control issues (IMHO). Unfortunately that means we have had some jockeying for power and control all along the marriage. That stubbornness etc was great when dealing with critically sick kids. It doesn't help Wife/husband intimacy much.

This financial issue has more cleanly shown that power struggle as it is less coupled to other things (like our disagreements on sex which is much more complex.) the only difference is I am admitting it and she isn't (no... not REALLY trying to score points. Just the way it seems.) Her not admitting any wrong behaviours for 20 years is a tipoff.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Still unable to get to the second page of this thread.




IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Hi Folks -
> 
> Until recently in my marriage (18+ years) my wife and I used a joint checking account. My wife was stay at home, all my income was direct deposited to the joint account. I had some credit cards, she had some credit cards. But I managed them - paid each month online out of our joint account, monitored for fraud, etc. She was always free to use the cards and I didn't much care as she is reasonably frugal (sometimes I'd ask what a particular charge was if it wasn't obvious to see if it was legit.)
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IWB,

I've read a lot of interesting stuff on here over the years. 

No offense intended, below is a totally unfiltered view of your pecking order comments. 

I would expect sick children to always be more important than I am. As far as I2 putting herself before you, without context I have no opinion. 

My belief is that she sees a lot of your controlling behavior as you putting yourself first. 

For example, let's say she wants to talk to a lawyer without triggering a series of very tense conversations with you. Do you think that trying to prevent her from doing so is putting her first or putting you first? 

And this isn't theoretical. At one point, a ways back, M2 did talk to a lawyer. Asked me afterwards if I would contest the divorce. 

I said: No, if you want to end it why would I make that hard for you? (And I meant that)






IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Thanks again for the input here!
> 
> >The real question is: why don't you trust me - to act in your best interest?
> 
> ...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife works in an office so I do all finances at home. I take after my dad about finances.


This is what we did and it works:


- she has her own bank account (joint spousal)
- I have my bank account (joint spousal)

- I have my Visa credit card (joint spousal)
- she has her Mastercard (joint spousal)

- I have a line of credit (she has full access)

- she has her own car and pays for everything
- I have my own car and pay for everything

- all passwords she has full access

- we can view each others bank account whenever we wish

- we pay our share of the monthly bills equally based on our income levels.

- we don't fight about money, or needing a car to go out.


I setup our marriage this way to be modern, still somewhat independent but married at the same time and it works.:smile2:


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> - we pay our share of the monthly bills equally based on our income levels.


Out of who's account? How does that work?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

OP - I hate to say it, but I think your number one goal should be making sure, if you can, that there are no further debts incurred that you would be responsible for. Let her have her own checking account....the credit cards are the issue. Not sure how you make sure she doesn't rack up anymore on that. Her thing about "if you loved me..." that's crap. The counter to that is, "If we are both committed to repairing this marriage then we need to rebuild trust and that takes transparency." 

I was married to someone that was "controlling." When I look back on it now I realize that if I had just said "no" occasionally, nothing life-shattering would have happened. Which means, really, that I did what he wanted and silently resented him for it. Your wife's passive-agressiveness and conflict avoidance is something she needs to take responsibility for.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Hi Folks -
> 
> Until recently in my marriage (18+ years) my wife and I used a joint checking account. My wife was stay at home, all my income was direct deposited to the joint account. I had some credit cards, she had some credit cards. But I managed them - paid each month online out of our joint account, monitored for fraud, etc. She was always free to use the cards and I didn't much care as she is reasonably frugal (sometimes I'd ask what a particular charge was if it wasn't obvious to see if it was legit.)
> 
> ...


I am having trouble understanding how your wife making a large credit card payment is a bad thing. I mean hell...If mine did that -I would probably have a damn heart attack from the shock of it. 

What is it about all this that really bothers you? I mean really? The deception, or the loss of control? Or something else?

Because that's all I can really see here. If having her own funds makes her feel more secure -whats the downside? I mean you say that she is frugal, right? If she wants to make it about trust...than, by all means -trust her (unless she has shown you somehow -someway -that she can't be trusted?). 

If she is pulling out the "controlling" card...than all you are doing is proving her right.....not in a good way.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Out of who's account? How does that work?



I log into our bank, and I just do transfer funds from this account to that payee.

So Mrs.CuddleBug pays the main landline Telus. I do a transfer of funds from her account to the payee Telus.

That goes for all bills too and credit cards and line of credit.

That's it.



If I make 70% of the total income, I pay 70% of the total bills. She pays the remainder 30%

If she makes 70% of the income, she pays 70% of the total bills. I would pay the remainder 30%.

You get the idea.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I log into our bank, and I just do transfer funds from this account to that payee.
> 
> So Mrs.CuddleBug pays the main landline Telus. I do a transfer of funds from her account to the payee Telus.
> 
> ...


So you have an agreement about which bills come out of each person's account? And you have access to both and are in charge of paying the bills?


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sir , no one here can judge you as they are not and have not walked in your shoes .......... Mere observation and suggestions while realizing that you and the wife have been through tremendous personal pains and the test of a marriage . 
There is an underlying question as to WHY she will not allow you transparency of her checking account and how do you know for sure there is not more to this , possibly other accounts ? Is she trying to keyhole away some escape monies ? 
Honesty and integrity are cornerstones to any marriage , we all know there are ways to build or destroy those cornerstones . 
If you are still in counseling sessions , pose the questions of her checking account and get some answers . 
Whether she stays in the marriage or not , you should at least have the truth of this . 
My own issues with my wife concerned secretive financial and emotional actions that hit me in the face like a mudball. 
You know your wife better than anyone does here , get some answers but brace yourself for the unexpected .............


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Wow....I can so relate this previously, and I took the extreme measure of ending my marriage for my own sanity. She thought I was joking when I told her, but believed me when she got served.

When you become lower in the totem pole as you put it, then you know it's time to grab your hat, and say ce la vie



IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> Thanks again for the input here!
> 
> >The real question is: why don't you trust me - to act in your best interest?
> 
> ...


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