# Seemed like a waste of time



## HusbandFatherSonBrother

I feel I have a troubled marriage, and I came to the forums looking for some advice. This thread caught my eye, and I felt like it was a good place for my first post.

I don't feel like I had a good experience in counseling, but my wife would disagree with me. It seemed to be really aimed at her problems, but didn't address mine. Or at least the counselor didn't convey my issues (or show me how to convey them) to my wife.

On our first session, he asked us what was going on. My wife immediately piped up with "I think we have communication problems". This then set the tone of every session after (6 total, that's all my insurance paid for). He then tried to teach us "Active Listening". Basically, you say something, and then your spouse repeats it back to you. If they say it wrong (which it usually is) you correct it until you both understand exactly what you are saying. Now the other spouse gets to say something. Keep it short, maybe only a sentence, and continue on with a conversation this way. It's harder than it sounds.

We only ever did this once outside of the counselors office. Then she started to use it against me, publicly saying to me "What did I say?", like I was a child. When I explained this to the counselor, he made her recite a very long apology to me, right there in the office. I felt humiliated for her, and felt it was completely inappropriate. She never initiated "Active Listening" again.

She complained to the counselor that I never seemed to do as I was asked (chores around the house). I replied that I felt there was never time for the things I want to do. He instructed her to make a list. Put on it the things that she wants done, by priority, and leave some room for things I want to do (clean out the garage). My wife never made a list. Then or ever.

If we fight now, she accuses me of "going back to my old ways", and threatens to "take me back to counseling". I never said that I disliked it, or ever complained about it. Nor do I feel threatened by going back, though I don't think it will help at all.

The counselor finished the last session by giving me a photocopied sheet of a newspaper article. The article was titled "Men who say 'Yes, Dear' live longer". That was his final word, that I should just say "Yes, Dear" more often.

I don't feel it helped our marriage. It just made me shut up about my complaints, and do as I'm told more often. Now my resentment of her grows every day (and she is blissfully unaware). I have slept on the couch for 2 years now, and I can't remember the last time we had sex.

My 2 cents.


----------



## voivod

oh my gosh...did you go to dr. rice?!?!

this excercise was the beginning of the end for us and dr. rice. and this guy had the gall to tell my wife to change al the kids' cell phone numbers and not take my calls at work. long story, but she texted me three days later and said "rice is a quack."

needless to say, we/i don't go to him any more.


----------



## Blanca

i would never go to counseling together with my H. i feel that problems in marriage are caused by individual problems that clash. so my H and I go to separate, individual counseling. i think it makes each person more accountable for the dysfunction they bring, and avoids the blame game.


----------



## voivod

ljtseng said:


> i would never go to counseling together with my H. i feel that problems in marriage are caused by individual problems that clash. so my H and I go to separate, individual counseling. i think it makes each person more accountable for the dysfunction they bring, and avoids the blame game.


and the more the individual accept his/her role in conflicts/issues/problems, the more individual counseling is appropriate and helpful/healing.


----------



## MarkTwain

ljtseng said:


> i feel that problems in marriage are caused by individual problems that clash. so my H and I go to separate, individual counseling. i think it makes each person more accountable for the dysfunction they bring, and avoids the blame game.


:iagree: If two people are "issue free" they stand a good chance of getting on.


----------



## Amplexor

Not all counselors are the same. Could be yours was not the right fit for your situation. Seek another and see if that improves. Individual counseling my be called for also as stated above.


----------



## HusbandFatherSonBrother

Individual counseling never occurred to me. Thanks!


----------



## 827Aug

Hi,

Here's another vote for individual counseling. My estranged husband and I went to a couple of sessions together. It was AWFUL. It did more damage than good. My husband refused counseling after that. I found another therapist and went to individual sessions. Although my marriage is over, I have greatly benefited from counseling. Had I gone to this particular counselor years ago, I think things would have ended differently. Sometimes those things we argue, fuss, and fight over are really superficial things. A great counselor working one-on-one can really get to the heart of the problem. Don't be afraid to try several therapist until you find the one that feels right to you.


----------



## wanttobehappy

I have a counseling sesson on Monday morning for both of us, and this thread makes me think that I might of made a mistake...Maybe we should have done it separate???? I guess will see!


----------



## justean

the counsellor you had sounds like they sided with your wife.

as for sleeping on the couch , tell your wife its her turn.


----------



## Chris H.

wanttobehappy said:


> I have a counseling sesson on Monday morning for both of us, and this thread makes me think that I might of made a mistake...Maybe we should have done it separate???? I guess will see!


 
From what I've heard it's best to do both individual and couples therapy concurrently.


----------



## Blanca

wanttobehappy said:


> I have a counseling sesson on Monday morning for both of us, and this thread makes me think that I might of made a mistake...Maybe we should have done it separate???? I guess will see!


Its never a mistake to try something. You never know what you might learn. but if it doesnt work out, its not the end of the world either. just keep trying new things. Ive been through about five counselors, my H has been through three. I dont think counseling is bad, just that one person cannot give you all the answers. Different people (and counselors are just people with an opinion) will have a different take, and any session can give you a new perspective. But if one feels its not working, try someone new.


----------



## Chris H.

Blanca said:


> Its never a mistake to try something. You never know what you might learn. but if it doesnt work out, its not the end of the world either. just keep trying new things. Ive been through about five counselors, my H has been through three. I dont think counseling is bad, just that one person cannot give you all the answers. Different people (and counselors are just people with an opinion) will have a different take, and any session can give you a new perspective. But if one feels its not working, try someone new.


Good advice here. :iagree:


----------



## lisakifttherapy

voivod said:


> and the more the individual accept his/her role in conflicts/issues/problems, the more individual counseling is appropriate and helpful/healing.


I'm a therapist so I'll chime in:

For couples therapy to be truly have a chance at being successful, both parties need to:


Agree there is a problem
Agree that each of them may play a role in the problem
Be willing to change their behavior in a team effort to solve the problem

A lot of times, the buck stops at each agreeing they contribute - or being willing to consider that at all. 

Couples work can be effective with open minds of both parties and the presence of caring feelings for each other. If there is too much resentment that's built up over a long period of time - sometimes it's just too much "water under the bridge."

I'll sometimes start with a couple then if I see a deeper individual issue in one of the partners I'll suggest an individual session to have the time to further explore (with a no secrets policy in place). Sometimes the old wounds of one person can significantly impact the relationship. 

Bottom line: find someone you feel really comfortable with and trust your instincts. Lastly, if it isn't working, give another person a shot. Counseling can really help those who "work it."


----------



## voivod

lisakifttherapy said:


> I'm a therapist so I'll chime in:
> 
> For couples therapy to be truly have a chance at being successful, both parties need to:
> 
> 
> Agree there is a problem
> Agree that each of them may play a role in the problem
> Be willing to change their behavior in a team effort to solve the problem
> 
> A lot of times, the buck stops at each agreeing they contribute - or being willing to consider that at all.
> 
> Couples work can be effective with open minds of both parties and the presence of caring feelings for each other. If there is too much resentment that's built up over a long period of time - sometimes it's just too much "water under the bridge."
> 
> I'll sometimes start with a couple then if I see a deeper individual issue in one of the partners I'll suggest an individual session to have the time to further explore (with a no secrets policy in place). Sometimes the old wounds of one person can significantly impact the relationship.
> 
> Bottom line: find someone you feel really comfortable with and trust your instincts. Lastly, if it isn't working, give another person a shot. Counseling can really help those who "work it."


lisa--

you do sound like someone who is in tune with what conditions need to be present to succeed at reuniting or reconciling a broken marriage. but...

from what i've read here, many who land on these forums are looking for ways to overcome the "too much water under the bridge" phenomena or help their partner understand that they are "willing to change behavior" to a more acceptable point.

are there techniques that counselors use to help the "leaving" partner recognize the positive changes and help get over the hump of "water under the bridge?"


----------



## hope-its-not-too-late

i havent been to a session yet, tomorrow is the first, i have decided to go with a joint couciling session first, then i want to take turns going seperatly to the same councilor.

i am hoping that the first will just give them the idea of what issues we have which other, then the separate ones can be purely for either me or her to help sort our things out

maybe a few goes like that, then another joined

im will try to write back tomorow on how it goes


----------

