# Jealousy/Insecurity--- what helps you to feel confident....



## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible ladies.... I need to find an answer soon or I fear my marriage will end due to my insecurity and jealousy.
A little background- I am 44, married for the second time to a man I love very much... I was in a previous abusive marriage- emotionally and sometimes physical. I am adopted- given up by my birth mother at 6 months- was reunited and things were good for several years then she backed out of my life and only recently have we started talking again. I have battled abandonment issues all of my life- starting as a child.... I somehow got the idea I needed to be perfect in every way in order for my adopted parents to love me or I would be sent away. All of my life, I feel I have had to prove myself/be perfect for anyone to love me.... when I am falling short of these unrealistic expectations my world feels like it's falling apart.
My ex husband never complimented me- never took care of me- never validated my thoughts or feelings... basically I was ignored and constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I am more than capable of taking care of myself (don't get me wrong- I don't have some kind of princess complex) and have for a long time- I suppose by not being taken care of - I mean- not really nutured or made to feel loved. I can't think of a nice thing he ever did for me.
I am a professional woman- a mother- I have been told I look younger than I am and have been told I am very pretty. Other's say I am also very smart. I think I am intelligent but as far as pretty I feel like the most disgusting thing to walk the earth. I have gained weight since having my children and have not been able to lose it... that is probably one of the biggest issues. It's also difficult when I loathe myself to the point that I feel stuck to take some kind of positive action to feel better.
My new husband probably painted a very unrealistic picture for me while we were dating.... he made me believe that he had no use for any other woman but me and even said he never cared to breathe the air of another woman... that he didn't need to be in their company etc etc etc. I had his full attention and devotion and I REALLY FELT it. I didn't doubt him. It seems he is changing the rules and last night I got upset because of some movies he put in our netflix line-up. The one mentioned something about a curvy co-ed and the other description talked about two ex-cops who were training a beautiful young japanese woman to seduce someone for their secrets.... the thing that caught my eye was the focus seemed to be on these women...... not his typical movie choices.
As silly as it may seem- I felt threatened and hurt that he chose these movies. No way could I sit and watch something like that and feel comfortable having some perfect woman shoved in my face for an hour and a half.
I constantly compare myself and know I don't look like that and I can't believe he isn't getting some enjoyment out of looking at beautiful perfect women.... harder to deal with it when he made me believe he had no use for this.
He used to look at porn- I know he has visited massage parlors and strip joints in the past(before marriage). How can those things no longer have some appeal ? He is an author and wrote many short stories that he shared with me before we were married and many of them depicted young women... perfect breasts- flat stomachs and often they were portrayed in situations where one man was married to many of these women.
(he liked writing about ancient times and one man would have many wives)
I am smart enough to know that these images came from his imagination.... perhaps fantasy- but it does not help my security level. He used to compliment me- I used to feel very safe--- and I'm not feeling it. I tried to talk to him and he gets mad which doesn't make me feel secure. He said he would give up the computer and tv to prove to me.... but he is angry about it and I don't believe doing it because he truly wantsto- he is doing it to make a point..... feels more like something he could just hold over my head and make me feel bad about. I don't want him to live that way- and I don't want to live that way.
I don't understand why he can't just give me some reassurance.... a few heartfelt sincere words would probably do me a world of good - but he can't see that. I have told him as much.
I am at a loss. I don't like feeling this way. I want to feel confident and not constantly feel like I am not enough- or that I can never measure up to these perfect woman that are always thrown in our faces by the media.
I would love to hear from other women and even men..... what works for you when you feel insecure or am I just totally nuts and not normal for feeling this way? Am I being ridiculous?
Thanks in advance..... I truly appreciate your comments.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Marriage counseling can help you discuss the image he presented and you bought versus the reality and how it can hurt you and make you rethink his past's possible effect on your future. Him being angry tells you he sees it but doesn't want to admit it for whatever reason, and there could be any number of plausible reasons. Men can change but they will still enjoy beautiful women. How respectful he is while a dumb movie is on will tell you a lot. Next time watch with him. My h loves dumb movies. Pure mindlessness. Sometimes I watch but mostly I don't. I just don't get the appeal. But I'm not a man, either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inlovetfa (Apr 21, 2011)

Your not be ridiculous I feel the same way i am so insecure and jealous wish I wasn't good luck I'm looking forward to reading the replies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I honestly think your past is causing you to be far too sensitive. And therefore, you are reading too much into your husband's behavior. Have you seen an individual counselor to work on abandonment/self-image issues? I would start there. 

Your husband may look at perfect women in movies and visualize them in literature, but remember he married you. When you are feeling inadequate, remember he married you. You must be pretty special in his eyes.


----------



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I honestly think your past is causing you to be far too sensitive. And therefore, you are reading too much into your husband's behavior. Have you seen an individual counselor to work on abandonment/self-image issues? I would start there.
> 
> Your husband may look at perfect women in movies and visualize them in literature, but remember he married you. When you are feeling inadequate, remember he married you. You must be pretty special in his eyes.


:iagree:

My immediate response was "that is waaaay too sensitive!" and FYI I also have abandonment issues. Many of the men in my life who were important to me have either left me, died, and two of them actually committed physical violence on me (one was bipolar, my stepfather who strangled me, the other was my brother drugged and drunk out of his mind who tried to impale me with a plated glass coffee table top). I never had my fathers approval, I lost my relationship with my brother who was my best friends to his drug use and suicide attempts, my best friend I've ever had died of cirrhosis, the one "big love" I've had before my H left me and I was crushed emotionally for years, my grandfather just died and I was his caretaker for almost two years before his passing... I know a lot about abandonment and self esteem issues too. But I got over it. I just had to. You have to remind yourself that your H finding women attractive is natural, it's not some freakish or wrong thing. And that, to emphasize the above posters comments, *HE MARRIED YOU. * He picked you! So chin up! And yes I would see a counselor to work on some of the issues, I did so myself and there is no shame in it.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm not sure entirely how helpful this may or may not be, but here goes.

I can relate. My husband had it in my head that the only reason he ever stopped using drugs, was me and that I was the only thing that made it worth living life...sincerely. Six years, I spent six years trying to be perfect for him, to give him everything he could want or need and keep him happy with his choice and constantly battling the "allure" of drug use. I know well enough now to know he put that thought there intentionally. Mix that with previous abandonment issues, an 18yr old mind, and no where else to live at the time and you've got a pretty good game started. Add in the consistent reminder that "love" is all that matters and people who are in "love" give up everything else in the world and you've got one giant mindf**k. (pardon the language).

Now, here I am six years later. I had gotten to a point where my only joy in life came from making him happy, to the point where I cried on my wedding day because he didn't seem to like the wedding I'd worked so hard to plan for him since he wanted no part of the planning. I hated myself, my body, my figure, I felt so repulsive and so unworthy I couldn't even get myself to walk to the store to buy cigarettes or feed my dog. What started off as a slight game, had spiraled into a mental prison. It was work for me to take a shower or eat. He spent time with any and every other girl he could, threw himself at them in public, I wouldn't even go out with him for fear of having to watch it happen again. it was just a giant mess. And between the two of us, there was no real sign of who was worse off in the situation mentally. he may have had the upper hand, but I gave it to him..so who really knows?

I've been out of the previous situation since February 24th. You can not tell I am even the same person. The biggest difference? (besides leaving ) I do things for myself, because I have to. I can't hide anymore. I started allowing a few people to be my friends, and doing simple things like going out to do errands with them. I took a road trip a week or so ago, as the adult, with no "safety blanket" people I had to do it myself.

My situation is not nearly identical to yours, but what I ended up finding was that the most confidence I have had in years came from doing things for myself, by myself. I don't worry or fret that he won't like something, or that I spent too much money, or that I am out too late. Everyone needs time to be who they are or else they lose it. Hubs and I still talk, we work together we have to, and we also get a long as friends. I've lost the jealous feeling, I could care less about what chick he talks to, hangs with, goes after, I have all the confidence in the world right now and when I look at anyone else, I see as many imperfections on them as I do on me. And the only persons expectations i have to live up to are my own.

So I think that my suggestion here, is to start spending more you time, learn who you are, and love that person. You're stuck with her for the rest of your life. If therapy is do-able, go for it. Remember, your husband loves and married YOU. You are an important component of that marriage, and it can't work without you actually present.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

seek a professional counselour, it seems you have a lot on your plate and a logical thinker, you need to talk to a professional.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You need counseling. Find a pyschologist (not a MSW, LCSW or any of those other types of therapists) and tell them you want to focus on self-compassion and internal family systems (the parts of the self).

I grew up in a family where my mother expected me to be perfect all the time. She was very judgemental and controlling and highly critical. Before therapy, I really struggled. My therapist and I have been working together since last October and things have really changed. I am learning how to be kinder to myself and less judgemental of my imperfections. 

This is the ONLY way you will get better. The problem is not the movies or the existence of other women. The problem is that deep down, you feel defective, inadequate, unworthy, and afraid that you are not loveable for some reason. But the things that have happened to you in your life are not because you were a bad or unloveable kid. Those things happened because you had the misfortune of having a birth mother who was incapable of taking care of you. You had adoptive parents who probably did make you feel like you had to meet high standards and gave you messages that their love was conditional. This is THEIR issue and their inadequecy, not yours.

Learning how to feel and process the emotions that are at the core of what is driving you is so important. Learning how to love and trust yourself and to accept yourself, and others, for who they are is the key to shedding this problem.

Again, see a pychologist. They have more training and in my experience, they have been better than social worker or marriage therapist types. It IS hard to find a good therapist.

I would also recommend going to the American Psychological Association website as a place to start your search for a psychologist.

Good luck. This can get better if you are willing to do the work. Realizing that you are okay just as you are is incredibly empowering.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree with everyone else, and regarding the therapy.
It's one thing to be understanding and giving to another person.
However, it's no substitute for being able to be understanding and giving to yourself as well. The self-compassion mentioned is a biggie. 

It is true, you can always be abandoned by others. Children grow up, spouses have their own issues to attend to from time to time, friends can have problems that are a priority, or they just grow away from you for one reason or another, people die, people succumb to illness (mental or physical), people get addicted to things, etc. 

If you know for sure you will never abandon yourself, it is easier to deal with the possibility of being abandoned by others, for whatever reason. Also, by dealing with abandonments, you can better appreciate time people spend with you. It does make it more special. 

When you take care of yourself, it is also much easier to tell when other people do not have respect for you. Then you can make better choices and have more realistic expectations of people and situations and less opportunity for feelings of insecurity and abandonment. 

It's also the case that you might learn to give better signals to others about your appreciation of them, and your role in participatory community. Your smile of acceptance in a social setting might be greatly needed by someone else who is dealing with issues of social isolation and insecurity. The ties that bind, so to speak, require use and maintenance.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You wrote:

"As silly as it may seem- I felt threatened and hurt that he chose these movies. No way could I sit and watch something like that and feel comfortable having some perfect woman shoved in my face for an hour and a half."

So, as an example of self-compassion, this is when you politely ask your husband about when he plans to view that movie and make plans to do something else, like shop or go to the library to read or to the gym or to have time with a friend or children...and you tell him nicely about your plans to do something else with your time since you're not interested in the movie. Point out the movies that you do like and make a movie watching date with him. It seems like you are assuming that because he ordered the movie that you have to watch it with him. You don't.


----------

