# An answer? Husband has Borderline Personality...



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Wow, therapist revealed this. I had studied it before but only remember it as something you dont even want to have anywhere near you. I dont know why I missed it all this time, well, yeah I do... I didnt want to see it and I am too close to the situation. This explains so much about the abuse, the mind games and punishing me by withholding sex, how he completely denies still he had a 7 year affair, why Im all good or all bad to him, why the other woman is all good, and when he creates dramas to get "mad at me" to create space and then comes back together and wants to have sex with me (spacing it out to his need). I am still digesting this information and my therpist is helping with support and suggestions as well, on how to just expect the games etc and strive to just brush them off as part of my husband's make up.

Anyone have any advice on living with a Borderline spouse?


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I just read a little more on this and it seems that people like this dont have the capacity to love either. I need to seriously sit down and think if I can stay in a relationship that has no future of being mutually interested. I read that the wonderful man I fell in love with was the man he made himself into to be what I wanted and then once he devalues me, I mean nothing to him. There seems to be no treatment, but a spouse can conjure up an insane amount of emotional strength to stay. Please anyone? Its related to our infidelity which is why I posted here. Thanks.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Whynot, I am so sorry, but at least now you have a reason. I don't know enough about borderline to say to much,but i spoke to you before and just want to say, if there is no remidy for his sickness and he is not able to change then carry on without him. You have been through enough and it is time for you to be happy. Just make sure the next men are true to you and not abusers too. Good luck, you are in my thoughts and prayers. P.S> Be happy again no matter what it takes.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Ask yourself if want to live like this for the rest of your life? If you answer that question honestly, you will know what you have to do.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Dealing with the same problem. My thread is in the thinking about divorce separation forum.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My D24 is Borderline. And it's rough, no doubt. It doesn't sound like your husband has a therapist who specializes in BPD. And you HAVE to have a T that specializes in it. That is the ONLY hope you have. Staying married to a borderline is really hard work. There are tools that you need to know to learn how to deal with this. I would urge you to buy the book "I Don't Have to Fix Everything". I don't remember the author. 
In all honesty, most people find it too difficult to remain married to the borderline. AND..borderlines CAN experience improvement with the right therapist and commitment to DBT. It takes a lot of time for those improvements to show. Unfortunately, most borderlines don't stick with the therapy. Is your husband on medication? Most therapists hit this with a two-pronged approach..meds and DBT (dialectal behavioral therapy). 
Borderlines are capable of love. In fact, they can feel great love. It just seems that they're unable to. It's that fear of abandonment that causes them to seem like they're incapable of love. I would also read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"..again..I forget the author. 
I understand where you're at, and I'm sorry. They create so much chaos and pandemonium and they make it so difficult to share life with them. Then there are the suicide attempts, etc. Maybe your husband isn't that bad. I sure hope not, for your sake. I have stories of nightmare proportions about my D. 
You have to take care of yourself. First and foremost. You have to establish clear boundaries and you have to stick to them. And that can be very hard to do, and they're masters at manipulation. 
Good luck, I hope things work out for you.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

My daughter , 19, is a borderline. I knew something was off when she was 3 years old. Get the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Kind of the "bible" for this personality disorder. Good luck. She has done the most unspeakable things, mostly to me. I set boundaries and my H would undo then, enable her, he still has terrible denial over this. That is why he and I are separated and on our way to divorce. Get informed. You will need it.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. I have not been able to look into this too much except quick internet search yesterday, bc I just found out yesterday. It makes perfect sense but I am left to wonder if this is something I can handle or even want to handle, or continue to put my children through as they are starting to see he is "needy." My son asked the other day, why are we always waiting on him? I explained that different people have different levels of need and things they need to get done, he has more than others and so bc we love him we wait. My son said ok, and it was done. My therapist said I will need to do alot of explaining to the kids as they get older and see even more or even become a potential target for his behaviors (God forbid). But, they love our home and I think I do owe it to them to keep the status quo until they are out of school or as far along in school as I can tolerate. 

My best girlfriend thinks I should leave bc she wants me to be happy again and have someone in my life who can give back to me (and she felt this way before knowing of the BPD, and its why she was supportive of my affair... she was thrilled actually to see me being attended to by another).

Anyway, Im still going to look into those books and keep talking with my therapist and possibly a lawyer on options for staying or leaving. Leaving by any means other than a "temporary move to be closer to kids friends" would result in rage and husband attempting to destroy me in a divorce as he has threatened. Now that I know his reality is what he creates in his mind, he would probably end up destroying himself in the divorce.

Whe I was a social worker I had a client with BPD, I was only 23 and it was the first mentally ill person I had dealt with. What I remember most from it is that BPD is something you should run away from and get nowhere near. Its too bad I found this out well into our relationship... some of the subtle signs from way back make perfect sense now and my gut had told me to leave on several occassions, but he would always become that man I loved again and I would minimize that gut feeling.

Now I see him as a hurt little boy and part of me wants to keep loving him and be what the other significant woman (other than his other woman that is) couldnt be... she left because "their realities were too different and the relationship was volatile at best" I heard that also after marriage bc I wanted to know if he had a history of physical abuse. Ugh. Sorry, just digesting and brain vomitting here. I feel sick that I actually had sex with him all those times believeing he was connecting with me when he really was just satifying a need, like my gut was telling me. That need satisfaction dynamic came to light in the last 2 years when he really would only come to me when he needed to get off and wouldnt even think of my enjoyment, nor ask, nor care. If I came to him it was get away, not now, you didnt do x so no sex, dont touch me... etc.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

You can check out the 'Welcome to Oz' site in yahoo groups. It's for family members os someone with BPD. My wife is high fuctional. "I Hate you, Don't Leave me" is a good book, along with "Stop walking on Eggshells."

My advice? It's a lot of giving, but not much on the receiving end when it comes to emotional support. Can you deal with this forever? And I'm probably gender-biased, but my wife doesn't give in to the rages that are so frequently described by those living with men with this disorder. Seems that the women who live with this long term come out of it so much harder, and distrusting.


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