# DH now doesn't want kids



## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

My H and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 3. I have told him since a month into dating that I wanted to have a kid someday. He said that he was on the fence and it was an open option, but wanted to have stability first (ie good job, house, etc). We have all that now. We have had a rough last 2 years with issues not even about kids. And now he says he doesn't want kids. I have read all these posts about how if he loved me he would give me one. And if he won't we should divorce so I can have my dreams fulfilled and he is just being selfish. My question is, am I being selfish if I choose to leave him to fulfill my dream of being a mother? I don't know the right choice....they both feel wrong. I love him and don't want to leave him, but I also fear that I will regret never having a child of my own and end up resenting him for it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't put the cart in front of the horse.

Fix the relationship - then see where he's at.

I admire him for standing up and realizing that a troubled relationship isn't healthy for newborns.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You only live once as far as we know. Looking back as an 80 year old woman never having had a child, I couldn’t imagine anything sadder than that other than losing one. And once you start the menopause I reckon your resentment would start off in a big time way. So those last 30/40 years or so together if you get that far would be really bitter. I think you are very wise to see that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

babyblues said:


> We have had a rough last 2 years with issues not even about kids. And now he says he doesn't want kids.


Yeah, what is this all about? 

I know how badly it is to want children & I wanted more than one - I did not like being an only child growing up. I wanted a large family. It had to be a part of his wants too or I wouldn't have stayed with my boyfriend, or married him. I agree with AFEH, you only live once, and if you feel you will have a mountain of regret if you miss being a MOTHER, if this has become the cry of your heart, best to get out. 

But I can understand your husbands hesitation if things are not running smoothly in the last 2 years also. Can this be healed, will he work with you here. Or he is just not the Fatherly type of man, and deep down, Children are not something he has ever wanted. 

We can't force someone to want certain things. 

It is SO important to be on the same page in these things, they are life changing in many ways, children are not for the selfish, they suck up loads of your time & money. But I still wouldn't want my life to be without them. I enjoy the chaos & challenge of it all.


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

I agree the problems needs resolved before bring a child into the marriage. I have told him what I am uncomfortable with in our relationship and he says he will modify his actions but not completely remove the problem. He says he will not be told what he can and can't do and who he can and can't be friends with. I am just supposed to accept it. I am at the point now that I am having a hard time deciding if the life that we have now is worth giving up being a mom. And that make me feel selfish. I believe in what marriage is and don't want to give up on that. I think where things are now are where they are staying. There is no more fixing....he has done all he is willing to do.


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

I have told him that I am not asking for a child now, but for the door to be open to it. I am 34 and feel like I am running out of time for a healthly pregnancy....maybe in two years start trying. But if he had made up his mind that he doesn't want them...then I have a huge decision to make.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Don't put the cart in front of the horse.
> 
> Fix the relationship - then see where he's at.
> 
> I admire him for standing up and realizing that a troubled relationship isn't healthy for newborns.


:iagree:

Also, children aren't something you "give" because you love someone  They aren't puppies...and even with puppies, you should make sure the person wants one.

It's a child. A human. Obviously he isn't sure he wants to be connected to you for 18+ years. It's a heavy commitment. 

However, my friend's husband was the same way. For two years they worked on themselves, she got into better shape which helped her health and they are now trying for a baby


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

babyblues said:


> I have told him that I am not asking for a child now, but for the door to be open to it. I am 34 and feel like I am running out of time for a healthly pregnancy....maybe in two years start trying. But if he had made up his mind that he doesn't want them...then I have a huge decision to make.


Yes, you do.

I couldn't imagine NOT having my children. I would have left my husband had he not wanted kids. However, we had a kid by surprise so we didn't really decide anything lol


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Just courious but, are the friends he wants that you don't want him around of the oppisite sex?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> I have read all these posts about how if he loved me he would give me one. And if he won't we should divorce so I can have my dreams fulfilled and he is just being selfish.


What? Really? Where? 

If he doesn't want a child, he doesn't have a child. You have the same right: if you don't want a child, you don't have a child. You both have to want the child for it to happen.

Is it selfish? Yes, but selfish isn't always bad. You need to look after your own needs. If being a mother is a "must" for you, then you need to let him know that it is a "dealbreaker" and that you want a divorce so you can find someone who will have a child with you. 

In a marriage where one spouse wants a child and the other doesn't, you have to pick which you want more: the marriage or the child. You don't get to have both if both spouses don't want the child.


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

Uphillbattle.....yes, with a past.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If you've told him always and consistently that you want a child, I can only assume that's a dealbreaker for you. And that's completely understandable. When you have what I call that "kid-shaped hole" in your heart, nothing else will take its place. 

However, if he's never expressed anything but ambivalence and "maybe somedays", that really should have been a huge red flag, especially when you feel so strongly about it. Clearly it's too late for that, but I think you're going to have to think about what's most important to you. This particular relationship, just as it is today (since you really can't count on anything else changing) or moving on while you still have time to find someone who is as eager to have children as you are.

Let me stress too that neither of you are selfish for feeling the way that you do. You just want what you want for yourself. It's like anything else in life. This really isn't an issue for compromise, though. A child deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents. Not desperately wanted by one and tolerated by the other. 

You said, _"if he really loved me, he'd give me a baby_"--what do you think that situation would look like? He could give you a puppy and you could realistically be responsible for walking and feeding and cleaning up after it. If he doesn't want to have a child, do you really think he's going to be willing to get up in the middle of the night, share carpool duty and all the other stuff that goes with raising a child? How long until you resent doing it all? I bet anything you'll find him out with those friends you hate even more than he is now, which will just make any problems you're having now resurface.

I suppose that people who are truly ambivalent about children can successfully have kids. I've always said that I never really cared if I had them or not if whoever I married really, really wanted them and could of course, hire a good nanny. I love other people's kids and everyone says I'd be a great mom, but it goes back to that "kid-shaped hole" in the heart. I just don't have it and it wouldn't be fair to a child and it wouldn't be fair to my husband or to me to try to make that whole situation work.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

omega said:


> What? Really? Where?
> 
> If he doesn't want a child, he doesn't have a child. You have the same right: if you don't want a child, you don't have a child. You both have to want the child for it to happen.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Took the words right out of my mouth!


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

I know I can't have both....but that is what and where I thought our life was going. It is just hard to realize it is not. And it is a very hard decision. I don't want either of us to be hurt or unhappy and that is all I really see coming out of this no matter which way I go.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Of course you don't want to hurt anyone - you're making a decision that will affect you and your husband very deeply. But it's best if you think hard about what you need in your life, and talk to him honestly. Don't try to pressure him into having a child if he doesn't want one. And don't tell him "if you don't agree to have children, I'm going to go ahead with a divorce" unless you're prepared to follow through with it. You may find that you will need to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

babyblues said:


> I agree the problems needs resolved before bring a child into the marriage. I have told him what I am uncomfortable with in our relationship and he says he will modify his actions but *not *completely remove the problem. *He says he will not be told what he can and can't do and who he can and can't be friends with*. I am just supposed to accept it. I am at the point now that I am having a hard time deciding if the life that we have now is worth giving up being a mom. And that make me feel selfish. I believe in what marriage is and don't want to give up on that. I think where things are now are where they are staying. There is no more fixing....he has done all he is willing to do.


And you as much said these are FEMALE friends with a PAST with him. Oh not good. Sounds like he has made his won Choices- irregardless of your feelings in the matter. 

What type of "Frienships" are we talking about ....Facebook contacts, chatting, Texting , talking on the phone, does he see them out somewhere? 

And this has been going on for 2 yrs now?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

babyblues said:


> I have told him that I am not asking for a child now, but for the door to be open to it. I am 34 and feel like I am running out of time for a healthly pregnancy....maybe in two years start trying. But if he had made up his mind that he doesn't want them...then I have a huge decision to make.


Having kids is a biological imperative hardwired into our DNA. If your guy isn't on board with the program, you have to take action. Simple addition indicates you are already on overtime


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Just courious, are you sure at this point he isn't wanting kids with you because he is setting himself up for a life with somebody else?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*hug* Sometimes life is unfair like that. My wedding became a rock and a hard place too. Luckily, there was a celebration which made up for what we missed.

Your screen name shows me that being a mother is one of dreams. Only you can decide if this is worth the risk of finding a new partner, who will have other shortcomings.

If your husband has female friends with a past, despite knowing how uncomfortable it makes you, he is not respecting the emotional requirements of marriage. I'm wondering if you want to have a child as an attempt to bring your husband closer to you.


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

Simply amorous - work together, car pooling, being her handy man, included in most of our vacations and social events, texting, talking on the phone....It has slowed down some, but he won't commit to no vacations. He says he won't abandon people who depend on him for help. I admire the fact that he likes to help people, but when it is interferring with your marriage, I would like to feel I am more important and that he would choose me. But I get met with resistance everytime I say anything. Also, I am expected to the kind of friend to her that he wants me to be. I have told him I should be able to make that choice about her. He says true, but he then should be able to also.


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

I know having a kid will not bring a relationship closer.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

babyblues said:


> I would like to feel I am more important and that he would choose me


This is a reasonable request. If you don't, you should


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

babyblues said:


> Simply amorous - work together, car pooling, being her handy man, included in most of our vacations and social events, texting, talking on the phone....It has slowed down some, but he won't commit to no vacations. He says he won't abandon people who depend on him for help. I admire the fact that he likes to help people, but when it is interferring with your marriage, I would like to feel I am more important and that he would choose me. But I get met with resistance everytime I say anything. Also, I am expected to the kind of friend to her that he wants me to be. I have told him I should be able to make that choice about her. He says true, but he then should be able to also.


So who is he married to? You or her?

This wouldn't fly in my marriage.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

babyblues said:


> I agree the problems needs resolved before bring a child into the marriage. I have told him what I am uncomfortable with in our relationship and he says he will modify his actions but not completely remove the problem. He says he will not be told what he can and can't do and who he can and can't be friends with. I am just supposed to accept it. I am at the point now that I am having a hard time deciding if the life that we have now is worth giving up being a mom. And that make me feel selfish. *I believe in what marriage is and don't want to give up on that. *I think where things are now are where they are staying. There is no more fixing....he has done all he is willing to do.


So it seems like the question isn't really what to do about whether or not you're husband is going to ever decide to have a kid with you. 

The question is: do you believe in what YOUR marriage is? 

It doesn't sound like he has any desire to change his behavior or his friendships. Are you willing to change your boundaries and standards and be happy with how far he's been willing to compromise (or not...whichever)? 

I'll tell you that I believe that marriage is two people. Not one person really wishing it were better. Not three people hanging out and vacationing all the time. Two people. Maybe not everyone sees it that way, but that would be my boundary. Two people. All in. No less. No more.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WOW.....he works with her, she is included on vacations with you both (how on earth does this work?) , she is SINGLE , he plays handyman (when you are not around I would assume)....and she is an EX ! ???? 


Why did they break up? Any men in her life at all -besides your husband?


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

They never dated. We used to hang out with her and her husband. She got a divorce and he kinda just filled that gap doing everything for her. She is not interested in dating or meeting another man, why would she....she has mine! They had their thing which I knew about and its been a battle since.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

babyblues said:


> They never dated. We used to hang out with her and her husband. She got a divorce and he kinda just filled that gap doing everything for her. She is not interested in dating or meeting another man, why would she....she has mine! They had their thing which I knew about and its been a battle since.


Well, if this was me, I would make my husband choose. If he defended her or stammered/stalled in his answer, I would proceed with separation or divorce. He has to know you are serious. This can NOT go on forever. It's inappropriate and ridiculous.


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## babyblues (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks for all the support and advice. It is just a really hard decision to make when you love your H and just want what you thought you had or were going to have. I know things and people and circumstances change....it just doesn't make it any easier.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

babyblues said:


> My H and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 3. I have told him since a month into dating that I wanted to have a kid someday. He said that he was on the fence and it was an open option, but wanted to have stability first (ie good job, house, etc). We have all that now. We have had a rough last 2 years with issues not even about kids. And now he says he doesn't want kids. I have read all these posts about how if he loved me he would give me one. And if he won't we should divorce so I can have my dreams fulfilled and he is just being selfish. My question is, am I being selfish if I choose to leave him to fulfill my dream of being a mother? I don't know the right choice....they both feel wrong. I love him and don't want to leave him, but I also fear that I will regret never having a child of my own and end up resenting him for it.


It sounds to me that he didn't want kids to being with. If this is the case, you would not convince him now. Before working on fixing your marriage, you must make sure that if the marriage would be fixed he would agree for a child. If not - just leave him. There is nothing selfish about you wanting to be a mother and have a child.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

babyblues said:


> They never dated. We used to hang out with her and her husband. She got a divorce and he kinda just filled that gap doing everything for her. She is not interested in dating or meeting another man, why would she....she has mine! They had their thing which I knew about and its been a battle since.


Seriously, if he can not let go of her, he IS STILL INTO HER. This is not a situation where friendship can remain -not after going over the crick bank and having a "thing". You are being much too "nice" in this situation. He will keep abusing that so long as he can get away with it. Don't let him!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

babyblues said:


> They never dated. We used to hang out with her and her husband. *She got a divorce and he kinda just filled that gap doing everything for her. She is not interested in dating or meeting another man, why would she....she has mine!* They had their thing which I knew about and its been a battle since.


So why do you want to start a family, with someone who doesn't respect your marriage? :scratchhead:

You know intellectually that a baby will not solve problems. However, emotionally, I get the sense that you want to have HIS child so that he will be compelled to stay home more.

If they spend all that time together, your husband is likely sleeping with this woman. 

How healthy would it be for a child to see that his/her Daddy is always gone with another woman? 

You have your own self esteem issues to work out, before you become responsible for another human being. This dynamic is not good for you or any children. Ask yourself why you are allowing such nonsense.


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