# The BS does all the work!



## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Together 23 years, married for 18 years. 

I have been given the ILYB speech in October. Since found out that husband was fb and texting OW. All contact has stopped since I have given article on how EA starts. I am grateful for this. Prior to ILYB speech I have been very controlling and angry towards my husband. I am currently in IC husband has refused to come or consider any MC. 

I have been hurt and betrayed. My problem is that I feel I am doing all the work but recieving very little in return. I have the need for constant intimacy and sex.

It is only since Feb that H has started holding me, hugging etc. and sex only resumed back in March but very infrequently. I have done the sexy texts, pics, lingerie, toys etc. It is me that initiates every time and H has asked me to stop most of the time because he is tired or does not want to. 

When I have asked him about this he states he still finds me attractive etc, but I feel undesired/ unwanted etc and is beginning to cloud my thinking negatively and triggering me about his EA. I am thinking if it was her, H would do this or that. Any insight help, advice? Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Do you think he is like this because of his EA?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I had to gather your story from your other posts. OW is an ex coworker who confided her marital problems to your WH, is that correct? The typical "damsel in distress, please save me" routine. He then friended her on facebook and that's how the affair started.

And now, even after DDay last October, he's STILL emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you.

What have you been doing to verify NC? Has a NC letter ever been sent by him? Did you ever install a keylogger like Web Watcher? How about a VAR? If he has an iPhone, did you ever get into the back up files? Because to to me, since he's still emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you, indicates that the affair is still on and that they have simply taken it underground.

What consequences have you shown him? Have you filed for divorce?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MC:

The affair is not about sex per say. It's about new sex and the high of a new romance. 

No long term marriage can compete with someone who has unrealistic expectations of a marriage and seeks this high with strangers. 

My STBEH claimed it was all about sex but my STBEH always had a low sex drive. I put up with it without complaint because to me marriage is about more things than just sex. 

After DDay he complained to one counselor that I seemed less interested in sex. 

And, I did, but that was because he seemed uninterested in sex. And when we did have sex it was not very romantic. 

With the OW, he was very romantic, so he can be if he wants to. With me he simply refused. 

In any case, after some counseling we started having sex regularly, but he was not interested very often and often had difficulty performing. 

I read somewhere that a man with sexual difficulties and a weak ego is prone to affairs because the shear excitement of the newness and illicitness of the affairs is such a colossal high that they can actual perform well with the affair partner. 

Still, I was somewhat sex starved too, but I did not take the bait from flirtatious men I often met as a fitness instructor. 

I loved my husband, and to me a little bit of sexual excitement was not worth ruining my marriage over.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

mc1234 said:


> I have the need for constant intimacy and sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're experiencing hysterical bonding. I am dealing with the same problem.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with lordmayhem, the EA is still going on to some degree. You have to verify. Did your H give you full transparency? Is he open to answer your questions at any time? Or is he still secretive about is phone and FB account?

Without his help, you cannot fix it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Owyn said:


> You're experiencing hysterical bonding. I am dealing with the same problem.
> 
> Unfortunately, I have to agree with lordmayhem, the EA is still going on to some degree. You have to verify. Did your H give you full transparency? Is he open to answer your questions at any time? Or is he still secretive about is phone and FB account?
> 
> Without his help, you cannot fix it.


That's a great link, please read it. 

I particularly like this quote:

*Then, as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, leaving a shaking, incoherent, grief-stricken me...wondering what the hell that was all about. And, by the way, ewwwww...*

The "EWWWWW" part really hit home. 

After the Hysterical part vanished, the act made me feel queasy. I sometimes wanted to vomit thinking about where he had recently put that thing. And emotionally I felt ashamed of myself for having sex with him, instead of booting him pronto.

Perhaps that is a normal feeling for all BS's at some point during R.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just one thing: If you are the BS and doing all the work, I wouldn't consider that a true reconciliation.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I felt ashamed of myself for having sex with him, instead of booting him pronto.
> 
> Perhaps that is a normal feeling for all BS's at some point during R.


Spot on Sara. I'm sure we've all been through that shame feeling. I sure have. I still struggle with it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I have been given the ILYB speech in October. Since found out that husband was fb and texting OW. All contact has stopped*

Please don't shoot the messenger. Given what you have posted here, I sincerely doubt that all contact has stopped.

*husband has refused to come or consider any MC.* 

*I feel I am doing all the work but recieving very little in return.*

*It is only since Feb that H has started holding me, hugging etc. and sex only resumed back in March but very infrequently. I have done the sexy texts, pics, lingerie, toys etc. It is me that initiates every time and H has asked me to stop most of the time because he is tired or does not want to. *

These are all right out of the cheater's playbook.

*When I have asked him about this he states he still finds me attractive etc*

Talk is cheap. And when it comes out of a cheater's mouth, usually a lie.

*Any insight help, advice? Thanks*

Your husband is having an affair with the other woman. This is textbook behavior, following the cheater's script to a T.

Try to figure out when, where, and how he is meeting with and talking to the other woman. Put a voice-activated recorder in his car, keylog his computer, look around to see if you can find a burner phone.

Even if he is not cheating on you, and I am saying that only to humor you, because I really feel strongly that he is, but even if he is not, why is he staying married to you? Why would he want to live in a sexless, passionless marriage with a woman he supposedly is attracted to but never wants to have sex with or show affection to? Why not divorce?

The reason is because he is having an affair, spending all that love and sex and affection somewhere else, and using you to hold down the home front, provide stability, take care of the kids (if you have them), etc. Does any other explanation make sense given what you have posted here?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Just one thing: If you are the BS and doing all the work, I wouldn't consider that a true reconciliation.


This needs to be repeated.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> This needs to be repeated.


But they hardly ever listen. We've seen these False R threads before. The next thread will be "I'm done!" or something to that effect. Everyone has their limit where they can't take it anymore.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

It sounds like he has taken the affair underground. 

Look for a throw away phone.... briefcase, under the drivers seat in his car, gym bag, in a pocket of an old pair of jeans hidden in the closet. 

Put a VAR in the car.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

I have been kurking on here for quite a while so know were a lot of you are coming from.

I have full transparency, passwords etc and am able to look at his phone etc whenever I want. Also have control of his accounts so I can see what monies etc is going in and out and nothing here is amiss. I genuinely believe that he is no longer in contact. I can account for all his time. 

H is very affectionate with handholding, cuddling etc but not of the sexual front. He texts me everyday and is loving, but I think I am dwelling of the sex front more than I should. I have explained to H last night that I need sex from him more than our current once a week. When I feel rejected undesired etc, it triggers big time all the things he use to do for her and how much he was at his beck and call. I need to let this go but find it difficult.

H has not written a no contact letter and the day she tried to text him 4 times in one hour H told me about and we deleted her off his phone. I know that he could of memorised the number. 

H is willing to talk to me whenever I ask but he tells me I am overanalysing things. For me, I don't think he realises how much he has hurt me as in his mind he did not have a EA, just helping out a friend in trouble. OW was going through a court custody case. It then spiralled to asking him about female problems and getting him to source things for her, asking to get her BF a job etc...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I had to gather your story from your other posts. OW is an ex coworker who confided her marital problems to your WH, is that correct? The typical "damsel in distress, please save me" routine. He then friended her on facebook and that's how the affair started.
> 
> And now, even after DDay last October, he's STILL emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Lord Mayhem, you are right about OW being the 'damsel in distress', D day wasn't October, but the ILYB speech was. I was devasted and did all the stupid things this site tell you not to (I wish I had this site then!), cried, begged etc. 

I did not discover the texting until later but did not ask him to stop. That was a big mistake, as this was when the texting intensified. At this point he told me he felt empty and needed to find himself. 

I told him to give us 100% commitment to try and a few months and after that if he wants to walk away, I will let him go with grace. It was not until end of Nov that the texting declined. We were still very far from each other at this point and their was no intimacy at all. H was still sleeping in the spare room and would not let me touch him at all.

I did not feel his committment until Jan when I asked him to come back to our bedroom. H was sleeping right at the edge of the bed. Feb was when we started to hold hands etc. Sex resumed in March. During this time, H never gave me promises or false hope, he always said that when we did come together it was because he let me have 'his all' his words.

I know put me on a pedestal during our time and I never appreciated him, I am not justifying his actions, but he told me I put him in a very dark place with my anger and verbal abuse. he also told me, I would of treated him better if he told me to F*** off, rather than try to love me more. I admit to calling him some very destructive belittling things which I am not proud of. In Sept. I actually was quite horrble called him some names and asked for a divorce as he wasn't man enough. I am cringing as I type these words and think what I have done. 

This is a bit of background, we both admit we are responsible for our behaviours leading upto the EA.

Part of me wants him to love me like he used to, and I think that's why I want him more sexually now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

It sounds to me, and I could be way off base here, that your DH is "doing you a favor" by committing to your marriage? That seems so skewed to me. He violated the boundaries of your marriage, broke your heart, destroyed your trust, and dragged your self-esteem through mud and broken glass. Instead of investing time into fixing the problems in your relationship, he was busy trying to hook his affair partner up with jobs, and providing her with emotional support that should have been going to you. You possessed enough grace, love, and compassion to not kick his sorry arse to the curb. He should be licking your boots every morning and expressing his undying adoration and gratitude for the second chance you've given him.

Right this very moment, you have a need that is unfulfilled. A need that has been magnified ten fold by what he did. You need to sit him down, and please, my advice is to do this in MC, and explain to him that you need him to make you feel loved and wanted on a deep level. Tell him you are willing to work on it with him, but he has to be making an effort toward satisfying that very real need of yours. 

Consider picking a counselor that specializes in sex, or at the very least, one that specializes in infidelity.

If he is incapable of meeting your needs, then you must be willing to follow through on a consequence. So make sure whatever that consequence is going to be is actually doable by you. 

Lastly, I know you say you "can" verify his accounts and such, but I really encourage you to heed some of the advice here about verifying the NC.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> Spot on Sara. I'm sure we've all been through that shame feeling. I sure have. I still struggle with it.


Thank you. It is important to know others feel this way, too.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

mc1234 said:


> I have explained to H last night that I need sex from him more than our current once a week. When I feel rejected undesired etc, it triggers big time all the things he use to do for her and how much he was at his beck and call. I need to let this go but find it difficult.
> 
> ......
> 
> ...



He was just offering a friend advice. Sigh. I would be bill gates if I had a dollar for every time I read this somewhere on the net. 

This woman should have been talking to her lady friends about her problems or a shrink, not a married man. 

Studies show that opposite sex friendships invariably have sexual tension, so avoid them. I did.

I am really out of patience with people who claim they just feel into the affair. Poppy****. They were considering having one all along and then when the opportunity arrived they pounce. 

In any case, I do understand about hating that he was at the OW's beck and call. I lost respect for him because of that. I never expected him to be at my beck and call.....or maybe that was the problem. This OW demanded respect and attention, and she got it.

That is one thing that so upsets me about my STBEH affair. He was at the OWs beck and call, it seemed like 24/7 given the sheer volume of texts, voicemails and emails. 

It sickens me, enrages me, hurts me beyond belief.

Sorry you are here,


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Stupid thing is I believe he genuinely wanted to help. All my female friends have said that if they ever needed someone to call on any time day or night, my H would be the one person who would be there and try to help (sigh). I think he got caught up with the 'excitement' as we really was in a bad place then.

I have spoken to H and said that I need him to do these things as I am beginning to build up resentment. he said he understood and admitted he hasn't been doing the things he should of done. Lets see how this pans out. I have told him that I can't keep doing this for very much longer :-( 

Sara8, I don't believe it is about sex. I need him to have sex with me because I need him to be there. Also, I read on TAM that a man shows their emotional bonding through sex, hence wanted him to have sex with me, to bond with me. he is always affectionate in other ways, but I feel he does not reach out for me the way I do him. maybe I am over analysing his every move :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

mc1234 said:


> Sara8, I don't believe it is about sex. I need him to have sex with me because I need him to be there. Also, I read on TAM that a man shows their emotional bonding through sex, hence wanted him to have sex with me, to bond with me. he is always affectionate in other ways, but I feel he does not reach out for me the way I do him. maybe I am over analysing his every move :-(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know your need for sex is really a need for closeness or a connection. I understand that well. 

I don't believe that affairs are always just about sex. Maybe in the case of a sex addict, but all other affairs also have an emotional connection. 

My STBEH at counseling blamed me claiming I was not interested in sex. In reality the opposite was truer. He had a low sex drive all our lives. I put up with it, and really didn't see it as a problem. Marriage is about more than sex to me. 

But, after Dday, when he claimed he was about sex but like your spouse did not really want sex very often, then I became enraged. Here I was offering him sex daily and he was refusing, after telling all the MCs that I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS NOT INTERESTED IN SEX. 

I think the shrinks call this a projection on his part.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Since telling H how I really need him to show me I am wanted etc...H came home this evening and have been ultra loving, stroking me etc and on the thigh too. No sex though but I am pleased as I do not want him to feel he can't do this without me wanting sex. a few weeks ago when we spoke about lack of sex he told me he felt pressured. I really hope we are turning a corner. Despite his EA he is a very decent man that made a big error. 

My anxiety has lessened just by H showing me some affection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

mc1234 said:


> Since telling H how I really need him to show me I am wanted etc...H came home this evening and have been ultra loving, stroking me etc and on the thigh too. No sex though but I am pleased as I do not want him to feel he can't do this without me wanting sex. a few weeks ago when we spoke about lack of sex he told me he felt pressured. I really hope we are turning a corner. Despite his EA he is a very decent man that made a big error.
> 
> My anxiety has lessened just by H showing me some affection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This will sound weird, but what is your H's love language? You said he had an EA which makes me think it could be Words of Affirmation. Is yours physical touch?


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

You are spot on! I never told him how I appreciated him but just expected him to do all the things for me. i was a SAHM for my the first 7 years of my son's life and never told him once thank you for working for us. :-( 

I think the OW gave him an ego stroke. H is very senior to her in the company and he wasn't getting words of affirmation from me. I remember prior to his EA, it was me rejecting him. Not a justification by any means. I have read Gary Chapman's book but H is yet to read it. Bizarrely, he came home today and said he has down loaded 50 shades to read......

I have learnt so much on TAM about EAs and trying to make marriages stronger. I hope we will continue to move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

mc1234 said:


> You are spot on! I never told him how I appreciated him but just expected him to do all the things for me. i was a SAHM for my the first 7 years of my son's life and never told him once thank you for working for us. :-(
> 
> I think the OW gave him an ego stroke. H is very senior to her in the company and he wasn't getting words of affirmation from me. I remember prior to his EA, it was me rejecting him. Not a justification by any means. I have read Gary Chapman's book but H is yet to read it. Bizarrely, he came home today and said he has down loaded 50 shades to read......
> 
> ...


Don't feel alone. My H is a WOA guy, and I am a physical touch girl. It took me a long time to understand his need for WOA's, but once I did the change in our relationship was phenomenal. I wish you luck, and drop by the Men's clubhouse for pointers on how to be better with WOA's. They saved me in there. Got me on the path


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

DawnD thanks for words of encouragement. Unfortunately, I am a very impatient person and can feel hurt quickly if I thought H was not being attentative enough etc. 

I hate myself for feeling this needy. I was never this person. my indepedent streak was what H liked about me. 

I gave him a massage (proper one) he was working in the garden all day, and felt him aroused. It took all my strength to not do something with it. H explained earlier he was too tired.

I have vsited the mems clubhouse and would be grateful if you could give me the link to the thread. many thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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