# Time table?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Is there a general time table in which one can reasonably expect changes to take place and at what times to make take certain actions if those changes are not met?

My wife's 1 time mistake started April 29th as an emotional affair, although she would say she wanted to be his friend and that the email between them was not 'bad. The email was about her and me and she wanted to ask him for advice. She let him into her private martial world.

May 13th my wife and I have a fight and she says she needs time. I act desperate, stupid and just not myself.

May 29th I've been acting 'normal' for a few days now, accepting that my wife just needs time, but I do suspect she knows a little too much of the inner circle of male friends in the building. There's a party on the 6th floor, we both attend. I leave earlier only to go down and catch her with OM...by this time it's technically May 30th

May 30 to June 2nd she seems remorseful, but not to an extent I would have expected. NC is something I told her was non-negotiable, although she says she feels betrayed by what the OM said led to me find them (There stories didn't match up, I'm sure the OM was scared for his physical safety and she was in a panic) I tell her "Whatever time you needed has expired with that action." I told her I could forgive her (I should've waited before saying that but I was in a panic)

June 7-8th she is back into her shell of "I need time." My brain is still recouping from the images. She says she loves me but there is a definite distance between us. She starts to point out different parts of our marriage that she has been disappointed with. Some of I feel 'Yup, I messed up there.' other stuff she mentions seems as though she was grasping for reasons, reasons for what happened.

June 10-17th we have more sex in that week than any other month combined for the last year. I bring up the topic of sex and passion and there are more issues we have to deal with. My wife feels I'm only focused on sex. I don't think so but it is one emotional need that is important to me.

June 20th is about when she started her PMS. She has noticed drastic changes in our house being taken care of, me dropping weight and my attitude has been, at least on the outside, more confident. I'm still messed up on the inside, but I suppose it takes longer to fix that part.

July 29th I meet my best friend and he gives me advice. He insists I get angry when she pushes my buttons or tries to shift blame. He thinks that if I love her I have to get angry. Just make sure she knows that I'm angry because I love her. I worry that even if I say this she will still regard it as pushing her away. I've stayed positive even when she's been negative. This has made it harder for her to push away from me. The talk with my friend was a big stress reliever.

July 1st, just over a month since d-day. We've talked almost every night, not about our marriage but about just random stuff. I want to talk about our marriage. She has done little the try and regain my trust. The first few days after d-day she showed me each phone call and text message. That was it. Now, it seems as though SHE has moved on. 

While I think some progress has been made, the issue of trust and emotional needs has not been talked about to my satisfaction. I need to be patient, see her through her 'time of the month' and pick my days.

I've dropped so much weight that my boss and several co-workers (People I haven't see in a month) thought I was sick or something. They were shocked at the amount of weight I lost. The 'Big Strong' guy was shrinking down a little too fast for them. They have no idea what I'm going through but they do know I'm very diet conscious and know my fitness so I'm on my way to looking less bulky and more slender. My wife gave me a hug last night and when she put her arms around the trunk of my body she said "You're half way there."

So...is there a general timetable for things to get done/happen?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

No, there is no general time line. Every person deals with a crisis in a personal way, and healing is dependent upon both parties. I'm glad there is no 'time line' - such a thing would be a great excuse to do nothing in your marriage...'all I have to do is wait XX days and she'll be her same old self again'.

Progress is dependent upon the amount of effort put into the _relationship_ by both spouses. Please keep in mind that the marriage is not dependent upon your spouse changing so that things get better for you. The marriage is dependent upon BOTH of you changing so that it is better for BOTH of you. 

The distance between you seems to me to be the result of both of you avoiding what actually has to be done, and instead trying to stay busy acting like you are working on something. 

You made some mistakes in how you dealt with this whole situation - no surprise there (could happen to ANYONE in your shoes.) That just means a little backtracking, nothing to worry about. The most important thing for you to work on is that you do NOT try to control your wife. You are not her keeper, you don't have the right to force her to do anything. All you can do is request - RESPECTFULLY request - that she do 'x, y, and z' and leave the choice up to her. If she is not willing to do what you request, be prepared to take action on your own behalf - even if this means a separation. What you need right now is open communication between you two. 

She asks you for time (space) - that is generally a warning that she is feeling some control rather than the freedom to make choices. 

All you need to ask of her is simple:

1) Cut off all contact with any other person of the opposite sex, unless you are right there with them - and definitely NO CONTACT ever again with the Other Man.

2) Complete transparency - you get her phone records, email passwords, etc...

and

3) a commitment to work on the marriage. 

There are many things you can do to work on the marriage. Both Affaircare.com and Marriagebuilders.com take the guesswork out of a lot of the work by providing you with questionnaires that give both of you ample opportunity to discuss various aspects of your marriage. 

Talking with your wife about personality types is also an AMAZING way to open up all kinds of closeness. I cannot recommend that enough. Use the questionnaires, the personality quiz - and spend time each week together. The best way to do it is to schedule 15 hours a week of time with JUST the two of you - spent doing something together. In fact, if I were a doctor, I'd prescribe that for you. Do it - it works wonders.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Harley recommends thai 15 hours together. That does not mean sitting in front of your computer in the same house. What have you done together lately. It seems from your posts that you just go home and hang out. Why aren't you going to the gym and working out? Can you take walks every night? Go bowling? Play a board game or cards? Even watching a program while holding hands is better than just hanging at the house. You two need to do things together and have fun. 
And find that new palce to live. 
Fifteen hours of quality time!!


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Cutting off all contact with male friends? Is that asking her to give up friendships, at least for the time being, with people that have always been 'just friends' who are men? Won't she see that as controlling? She has said she won't contact the OM but in the first few days after D-Day she said "One day I want to talk to him because I feel betrayed." I think what she means is he lied to save his ass and she feels like an idiot and wants to get angry. I said "No." But that's something we've left on the side...hopefully she will see how unimportant it is to keep him around for any type of verbal conflict.

As for email passwords, those are something I have access to, with 1 exception...her phone. She works for the cell phone company and knows how to hide email or phone calls (All phones have 'secret' services built into them in this part of the world) So if she really wanted to hide any contact, she could. As far as emails sent from Facebook or other accounts, those could also be easily deleted after sending. I don't think she does this but I do wonder about her phone email. In such a delicate state right now, I'm just waiting for the day (And the day will come) when she forgets her phone at home.

Commitment to work on the marriage is something I've stated I am doing and have been doing what I can do on my side. Working on bettering myself. Emotionally, on the outside I think I look confident and as if I'm moving on...but on the inside I'm really hoping that she will start to help in picking up the pieces. Unfortunately, she's still 'fixing herself' and needs time before she can 'focus on our marriage'. She throws hints at me that she is...but from what I can tell she's trying to ride out the storm and hope that it blows over or something.

As for the personality tests, I've tried to bring them up in conversation, asking her if she wanted to check it out (Without it sounding like a task she had to complete for the purpose of our marriage or else) and she showed zero interest. I tried to talk about my personality test results. No interest. She is more a 'blood type' person...different blood types apparently have different personalities.

Love Busters and such are something I am totally into figuring out...but she's not, after a month, apparently ready to move on. It's hard to work on a relationship when you're the only one working...so I'm focused on myself.

I hoped there was a general timetable so that I could draw a line in the sand and say, with confidence, it's been X amount of weeks/months and nothing...time for 'tough love'.

She finished work at about 6pm. It's almost 8pm and she isn't home (Work is 20 minutes away). No phone call, no text message. I would call or send a text message but I've recently stayed away from doing that so as not to be 'controlling' I guess. How am I suppose to know how much I CAN ask of her and how much I CAN'T ask of her...

Each night the month of June we spend a good 2 or 3 hours talking. Mostly of worldly travels, wine, people. None of it marriage related. When I bring up something marriage related she backs off.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Do you two just hang around? Can't you go out with friends to a park or a free concert. 
Read about withdrawal. It takes months. One solid month just to make progress. You are barely there. You have to avoid relapses. Can you just get away for a few days with her? A little road trip.
Both of you need to get out of the house...together. Have fun!


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Harley recommends thai 15 hours together. That does not mean sitting in front of your computer in the same house. What have you done together lately. It seems from your posts that you just go home and hang out. Why aren't you going to the gym and working out? Can you take walks every night? Go bowling? Play a board game or cards? Even watching a program while holding hands is better than just hanging at the house. You two need to do things together and have fun.
> And find that new palce to live.
> Fifteen hours of quality time!!


Because of work and her mother living with us, getting out of the house to do something is, unless we both have the day off, impossible...or at least it seems that way right now.

Going out to do something sounds great and I've asked. She has been unresponsive. If she has an early shift the next day she doesn't want to stay up late. We do watch TV together, travel shows mostly but she doesn't want to sit together on the sofa, she feels 'better' watching from the chair at the kitchen table. While I've made the effort almost every morning to get close and cuddle with her, with the heat and humidity so high it makes it very uncomfortable very fast. Neither of us likes airconditioning (Makes us both sick) so we rely on open windows, which isn't always effective to keep things cool. Even fans can make us feel a bit ill.

As for me getting out of the house...when I finish work I honestly don't want to do anything. I wish I had the strength to hit the gym and lose some weight faster while maintaining some of my strength and stamina...but I still feel like crap most days. By the time I'm home and she's home there's not much we can do except hang out. In the mornings she's all about preparing for work (Make-up and hair takes her a good 1.5 hours).

Board games and cards...something else I've tried to bring into the mix and she has zero interest. She's not a 'games' person. She wants to improve her English and I thought a good game would be scrabble...it's always been a fun game at some parties we have been to, trying to make up some funny words...but she's just not biting there either.

1 month might not be a long time, it might not have been long enough for her to digest what she has done to our marriage and what I have done to it. Maybe she really just needs time and she doesn't seem to understand just how painful that is to me...especially considering how I caught her.

A new apartment, I've found plenty of good places. She always has something to say about each one of them, something not so good. Because I'm not a native to this country, I can't act as my own guarantor to a new place. The place we live in now I was able to under special circumstances with the management of the building. That's why there are so many foreigners in the building. Moving out will take the 2 of us...she's on and off with the whole moving process, showing interest sometimes and zero others.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I hoped there was a general timetable so that I could draw a line in the sand and say, with confidence, it's been X amount of weeks/months and nothing...time for 'tough love'.


This is an entirely different issue: the 'tough love' part should be ongoing: One of the seven steps we recommend is called 'the Carrot and the Stick' - and it involves 'tough' love. (I do not like that term - it sounds like there is some extra version of love you need to use once in a while) 

Read the article I linked. 

When you work through the 'Carrot & Stick' phase of working on ending the affair and recovering the marriage, you set a PERSONAL timeline - usually about 6 months or so. After that you move to the next step

But, I would like to point out that you have to work very hard on the Carrot & Stick before moving on (see MarriageBuilders on 'Plan B'). You should be deeply stuck in Carrot & Stick right now (Plan A). It should be the focus of all you do. Set that timeline for, say, November or December, and stick to it. And then get to work!

As for your wife not being interested in things: give her some time to withdraw (as was wisely pointed out above) - and give her time to see if things are really changing. She may feel like it isn't worth it yet. Is she worth some time? Then invest it!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Because of work and her mother living with us, getting out of the house to do something is, unless we both have the day off, impossible...or at least it seems that way right now.


How about 2 hours a day? 1 hour a day, with several on the day off? There are ways to get around this stuff - and your marriage is dependent on it. You have to take care of her mom - doesn't this take time? Is it not important? How important is your marriage? 

I'd find the time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

During the recovery of my marriage I made sure I did not set time lines or bench marks. Not an easy thing for a guy like me to do. Emotions are not logical so in my mind there was no point in setting time tables. To do so would have set myself up for disappointment as the recovery could take years. It was going to take as much time as it was going to take. Probably not the answer you were looking for but that's how I looked at it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Actually Amp, that's the best way to approach it....


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