# Son from affair dying



## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Hello I just found out today that my husband had a son from an affair he had 5 years ago and that son had a massive stroke today and is brain dead and will be taken off life support tomorrow morning. I feel bad for the kid but I cannot evoke ANY emotions to sincerely be supportive of my husband am I wrong. For me in my mind we are through I'm not trying to be a doormat but I'm not trying to be a callus human being either.

Please help


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow, what a mixed bag of emotions you must be going thru, and your husband also.

Did you know about the affair but not the child? Or did your husband just confess both to you because of the child's stroke? Did your husband know of the child?

My advise is not to let your current stressed out emotions decide your actions, give it a few days to settle, even if you need to be apart from your husband for some time to think. 

If you knew of the affair and have worked past that then ultimately your marriage may still be on solid ground. If the affair and child is new news for you than that's a much harder thing to deal with, maybe a deal breaker, much depends on how your husband has been the last five years.

Regardless emotions right now are overwhelming for both of you, give it a couple days so you can think straight, than start making decisions. 

Best wishes


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It's a tough situation, can you separate the son from the affair? What I mean is can you filter your feelings and see his son as a victim of your husbands cheating? Can you see him as a person that is dying and how horrible that situation is?

If not then, you can't feel what isn't there. 

I would say the most humane thing is to be there and supportive, but if you can't then just don't get in the way. Let your spouse be there as long as he needs to, let him make financial arrangement for the cost as well. 

Individual counseling and/or marriage is a good resource too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

First things first.

A mother's son will be dead in less than 24 hours. Be respectful of that. No one ever dreams they would have to bury a child, let alone one so young. Attend the funeral, acknowledge a life cut short and the child you'll never get to meet.

After that, then sort out the jumbled thoughts you have about your husband, the affair and how you view your marriage as of now. There's no big rush to decide anything, whether to stay or go. Maybe consider individual and couple's counseling to determine your next step.

Condolences to you and yours.


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

Mourn for the child and muster what you can for your husband.

This is a time for grief, not anger.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Revamped said:


> A mother's son will be dead in less than 24 hours. Be respectful of that. No one ever dreams they would have to bury a child, let alone one so young. Attend the funeral, acknowledge a life cut short and the child you'll never get to meet.


I dont agree.

Yes, its horrible for the child to go through this. They played no part in this affair. I dont see why she needs to attend the funeral. Is she even welcomed? I surely would not attend if I were the OP.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I disagree with attending the funeral unless you have known this child and been part of his life, which you acknowledge in your first post hasn't been the case. I think the wife of the affair partner showing up (even with the best of intentions) would cause tongues to start wagging and cause a distraction or even a scene, to many raw emotions all around. 

I'm not even sure it's appropriate for your husband to attend, I guess that all depends on if he knew of the child and if others know he is the father. I would think somehow he wants or needs to pay his respects, but he needs to consider all that's involved before he can decide how to approach this.

This is one terrible situation for all involved, just another example how an affair can have catastrophic consequences and effect so many lives. Tmj4477 you have so much to deal with right now, make sure you reach out to trusted family or friends, or talk to a professional, don't try and process this alone.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cooper said:


> This is one terrible situation for all involved, just another example how an affair can have catastrophic consequences and effect so many lives.


:iagree:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How are you not divorced yet is my question.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

TMJ, you don't owe loyalty to anyone who hasn't earned it. Children included.

It's not cruel to gently remind others of this as needed, so long as you aren't taking direct actions to hurt them. Your husband's pain is his own. You do not have to fix it, and steering clear of this event is no more cruel than he would be if he rubbed your nose in his affair by expecting you to take part in any of this.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Support for the kid yes, support for the cheating husband - no.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Did your husband know of this child for the past 5 years (and didn't tell you) or were you BOTH hit with the knowledge that 1) there is a child conceived from an affair and 2) btw, he is dying? 

Either way, I am so very sorry for this little boy and his family. 

Don't attend the funeral. 

Feel whatever way you need to feel. Even if that means you are feeling nothing except the same compassion you'd feel if this was a story you heard on the news.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

this is your H's biological son. I'm not sure what role he has provided to the child, if any, since then, but if your H is attending the funeral I suggest go with him. A death, no matter whom the person is to you, is a thing to be acknowledged and a time to let go of whatever outstanding grudges there are about that person. I have attended funerals for people whom were not close to me, and even ones that I thought I might be unwelcome, and I have no regrets that I did because it is important and I was humble and respectful. If asked to leave I would have without drama, but a show of support for fellow humans is the most important thing we can do for another.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Lon said:


> this is your H's biological son. I'm not sure what role he has provided to the child, if any, since then, but if your H is attending the funeral I suggest go with him. A death, no matter whom the person is to you, is a thing to be acknowledged and a time to let go of whatever outstanding grudges there are about that person. I have attended funerals for people whom were not close to me, and even ones that I thought I might be unwelcome, and I have no regrets that I did because it is important and I was humble and respectful. If asked to leave I would have without drama, but a show of support for fellow humans is the most important thing we can do for another.


I don't disagree with a lot that you said, but how exactly are you showing support to fellow human by going to their funeral?

They are dead. 

You are either close to someone and their family, or you are not. Personally I would never want random people to show up at my loved ones funeral. I think that's disrespectful.

If you played 0 role/part in my loved ones life.....you simply don't belong there to support the family. 

That's what funerals are about, supporting family.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am so sorry for the situation. That is a whole lot to deal with in such a short period of time. Your feelings sound very normal to me. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> That's what funerals are about, supporting family.


Funerals are also for acknowledgement. This boy is a biological child. They may not have had a relationship but I feel it's in poor taste not to attend. There's no need to deny the child's parentage. In fact, how just would you explain to a grieving mother you are not attending your own child's funeral?

Go, stay out of the limelight and sign the guest registers.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Son from affair dying*



DoF said:


> I don't disagree with a lot that you said, but how exactly are you showing support to fellow human by going to their funeral?
> 
> They are dead.
> 
> ...


that's what the back row is for.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Wow, what a mixed bag of emotions you must be going thru, and your husband also.
> 
> Did you know about the affair but not the child? Or did your husband just confess both to you because of the child's stroke? Did your husband know of the child?
> 
> ...


Knew about the affair I had no idea the child existed till yesterday. He has had a covert relationship with the child almost his whole life


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> I dont agree.
> 
> Yes, its horrible for the child to go through this. They played no part in this affair. I dont see why she needs to attend the funeral. Is she even welcomed? I surely would not attend if I were the OP.


Thank you I don't see why I should have too swallow this pill and eat crow. Honestly I'm sad the child is dead but there is no connection there and I truly feel he needs to deal with this himself


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

DoF said:


> How are you not divorced yet is my question.


Working on that


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> TMJ, you don't owe loyalty to anyone who hasn't earned it. Children included.
> 
> It's not cruel to gently remind others of this as needed, so long as you aren't taking direct actions to hurt them. Your husband's pain is his own. You do not have to fix it, and steering clear of this event is no more cruel than he would be if he rubbed your nose in his affair by expecting you to take part in any of this.


Thank you for understanding


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Did your husband know of this child for the past 5 years (and didn't tell you) or were you BOTH hit with the knowledge that 1) there is a child conceived from an affair and 2) btw, he is dying?
> 
> Either way, I am so very sorry for this little boy and his family.
> 
> ...


He knew and didn't tell me, I'm definitely not going to the funeral, and I didn't think about treating like the news that's good advice


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

DoF said:


> I don't disagree with a lot that you said, but how exactly are you showing support to fellow human by going to their funeral?
> 
> They are dead.
> 
> ...


I agree


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Funerals are also for acknowledgement. This boy is a biological child. They may not have had a relationship but I feel it's in poor taste not to attend. There's no need to deny the child's parentage. In fact, how just would you explain to a grieving mother you are not attending your own child's funeral?
> 
> Go, stay out of the limelight and sign the guest registers.


Just to be clear I think he should absolutely go... I on the other hand am I'm not going


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Op, how old is the child? You say he had a stroke, did he have a health condition?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Suc*s to be him, but not so much as to be the kid.
If your husband is a mature individual then he will let you know what he needs in terms of support, maybe you could just ask him to let you know if he needs anything in particular.
Otherwise, if he's not mature enough to know what he wants/needs in terms of support from you, refer to first sentence.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Son from affair dying*



Tmj4477 said:


> Working on that


and if you need to wipe your hands of the entire situation, that is perfectly OK too.

nobody here can advise what YOU should, or need to do, simply offering up our opinions. your H has certainly dropped a potential dealbreaker on you.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

mablenc said:


> Op, how old is the child? You say he had a stroke, did he have a health condition?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Child was 4 had a blood clot that led to a massive stroke...runs on the mothers side


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why did he tell you now, to try to get emotional support from you? That's nervy and incredibly selfish on his part. Are you planning on staying married to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

This whole thread makes me very sad for everyone involved.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tmj4477 said:


> Knew about the affair I had no idea the child existed till yesterday. He has had a covert relationship with the child almost his whole life


Well, that would be enough for me to seek a divorce.

Best of luck with all this, Tmj.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So why did he tell you now, to try to get emotional support from you? That's nervy and incredibly selfish on his part. Are you planning on staying married to him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I'm thinking and I highly doubt I stay


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

jld said:


> Well, that would be enough for me to seek a divorce.
> 
> Best of luck with all this, Tmj.


Thank you


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Tmj4477 said:


> Thank you


If it were me, I would run screaming to a counselor. That would mess my brain right up. You have no role in the death of the child. No responsibility. Take care of you. I am sorry this is happening to you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I would be inclined to tell him to pack his bags and get support from his wh0re. Mother to mother I hurt for her but woman to woman? Nothing but a piece of trash.

I can't imagine what you must be going though right now. I hope you find some peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't blame you for not going to the funeral. This is his problem not yours. It was low of him to cheat and low of him to keep the fact this kid existed from you which is more deceit and betrayal on his part.

Are you sure the affair ever ended if he was seeing the kid? Is he sure the kid is his?

The only people I feel sorry for here is you and the child.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I would be inclined to tell him to pack his bags and get support from his wh0re. Mother to mother I hurt for her but woman to woman? Nothing but a piece of trash.
> 
> I can't imagine what you must be going though right now. I hope you find some peace.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah that's the great thing the chick was married too and her husband knew I was last to know


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Thebes said:


> I don't blame you for not going to the funeral. This is his problem not yours. It was low of him to cheat and low of him to keep the fact this kid existed from you which is more deceit and betrayal on his part.
> 
> Are you sure the affair ever ended if he was seeing the kid? Is he sure the kid is his?
> 
> The only people I feel sorry for here is you and the child.


I really don't care if the affair ended or not. The kid allegedly looked just like him


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

wow, and the OW husband was alright with raising another man kids?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tmj4477 said:


> Oh yeah that's the great thing the chick was married too and her husband knew I was last to know


Awesome! Then her husband can comfort him too and they can be a big, happy family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Tmj4477 said:


> Child was 4 had a blood clot that led to a massive stroke...runs on the mothers side


That's why I was asking, in case you decided to reconcile and have children. Genetics was something to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I don't know how you can go on with this man, the affair was found out but he never came clean. For 5 years he continued to lie to you, about the fact that he had a child and that he was involved with that child, which means he had to also be having contact with the mother, his affair partner. Totally unforgivable.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

While I feel bad for your spouse, I must say he's such a coward. Had this little boy not died, he wouldn't have told you. I think that speaks volumes about his integrity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Tmj4477 said:


> Knew about the affair I had no idea the child existed till yesterday. He has had a covert relationship with the child almost his whole life



Makes you wonder how many other secret kids he has?

Regardless, it's not a contest to see who the bigger victim is, but still death trumps infidelity by a wide margin. Give your husband space during this, and hold off conversations about divorce, or ultimatums until much later.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

I am going to give him time to grieve because I am not a monster. But I can't do this anymore


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