# should I listen to my intuition



## k22 (Dec 4, 2014)

My intuition has been pushing me to leave an unhealthy relationship. I am scared and find it hard to just leave because I have 1 child. At times I see hope for change and moments like the way things used to be, but then reality sets in. 

Everyone in my family has a different opinion. Is my intuition correct, and what does that mean anyway?

So frustrating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't give enough details for anyone to confirm or deny your intuition. You could check out "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". Or look into counselling to see if there's something you need to work on that's preventing you from leaving an unhealthy relationship. 

Staying in a bad relationship "for the children" is usually a bad idea, IMHO. And people rarely change, until they have to. And even then, it rarely lasts, especially if it's done just to keep the other person in the relationship. 

C


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## k22 (Dec 4, 2014)

Thank you PBear for the book suggestion. However, I was asking if intuition even matters, regardless of the situation. Do my details even matter? Does gut instinct matter or is it a bunch of crap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Of course intuition matters. Facts matter too.

Definition of Intuition: the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Your use of the word intuition is confusing. It implies that you just have this gut feeling but no facts to back it up.

Let me give an example of intuition. Years ago I was getting out of my car. I was returning home from work so it was midnight.

There was a guy walking down the sidewalk about 2 houses up. When I saw him I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to run. I was filled with absolute terror. Now that feeling made no sense. He was just some guy walking on the sidewalk. So I told myself that my reaction was silly and I squashed it. The guy then came around the car, asked me for directions to a nearby street. While I was giving him directions he started strangling me. I did get away obviously. (Won’t go into the rest of the story as that's not my point.) My point is that the absolute terror I felt came from no analysis of facts. Something in my subconscious picked up that he was a treat to my life.

Now if your thoughts about leaving are based on your husband being abusive to you, that’s not intuition. That’s thought based on absolute fact. 

So it is intuition, you having some reaction based on nothing factual that you can put your finger on? Or are you reacting to actual facts such as he’s abusing you?

My bet is that you are not talking about intuition here. You are talking about facts and your sane interstation of those facts.

What is going on? We can only tell you if your belief (not intuition) that you need to leave this relationship is correct. Could you please give us some insight into what is going on?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Of course the details matter. Sometimes gut instinct is right, sometimes it's not. Usually it's your mind trying to get you to see something you don't want to acknowledge, imho. But sometimes is paranoia or fear or something else. 

C


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## k22 (Dec 4, 2014)

EleGirl,

First, let me say I am glad to hear you got away from a very scary situation, OMG! Also, thank you for your reply.

My details may seem so silly, in that, an outsider may wonder "how could she possibly be confused, but leave."

but here we go: my husband drinks every night so he slurs or falls asleep. He sleeps in another location so he can drink. During he day he is sober and talented and everyone loves him, Mr amazing. He keeps telling me he is so stressed out, but when his project for work is over, he will stop drinking (I have heard this before). Its so easy to say "prove it or I leave," but he has me in a position where he needs me to support him, and me pulling out would leave him with a survival issue. I really want to believe him, but I am too tired of waiting around feeling embarrassed by him or depressed. It feels like I am loosing my best friend and it is hard to let go.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your details aren't silly, they're very serious. And it's not a gut instinct telling you to leave him, it's common sense. 

As I told you in your other thread, it's time to figure out your boundaries and lay them out. It doesn't mean leaving without giving him a chance to correct his behaviour. It means doing what's right for you and your child. 

C


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

I tried to reply to your other thread....but it disappeared. 

My husband is a lot like yours. We have been together for over 20 years. Four kids, rather than one.

He is a functional alcoholic, who drinks at work and during the evening with his buddies. Like your husband, he covered up the extent of his use. (I discovered a couple years ago that he was purchasing 8 - 9 40oz bottles of whiskey a month.) He still denies he has a problem, even when I presented him with pictures and paperwork showing this in front of a counselor. I am blowing things all out of proportion. Your husband tells you that you are controlling.

Like your husband, mine started losing his temper more and more. That was always the kids or my fault. I began to dread his presence, and found myself taking care of all responsibilities so nothing would set him off.

Once I discovered the quantity he was drinking, the neglect and temper made more sense. Like you, my kids did not see his drinking as he always drank while away from home. Even on his day's off he was gone doing one thing or another....drinking.

Like you, my husband was gone so much of the time that I became anxious and uncomfortable when he was home. I was used to being alone....alone in times of illness, alone in times of stress, alone when sad, alone with the kids, ALONE! 

Like you, everyone thinks my husband is great. Of course they don't see his temper, or selfishness, as he is always pouring sunshine down his throat when around his buddies. Always a good time with him! Part of the difficulty of living with a man like this is that they are so good at convincing you that YOU are the problem. Look, everyone else thinks they are great! (Everyone else doesn't have a clue, though, do they? If you are like me, you have hidden they way your husband has treated you. They just see this happy, good time guy.)

I have been doing research on the effects of addiction on the human brain. The addicted brain has far fewer D2 receptors than a normal one. One of the repercussions of this is the addict has difficulty controlling their anger. (Unless sedated with alcohol). That is probably why you are seeing an escalation in his temper.

Like you, my husband relies on me. Not financially. We both do fine financially. My husband has no clue how to take care of anything with regards to the household.....cooking, childcare, finances, cleaning, planning, etc, etc. I do it all.

If you still love your husband, put your foot down. Tell him you are done. This is it. Make him see you have a foot out the door. I started to see some change for the positive when I did this. Problem seems to be, it is too late. Do this ASAP or it won't matter what he does, you will end up like me.......no feelings of love, affection, all feelings gone.........like they never existed in the first place.


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## k22 (Dec 4, 2014)

Neglected 42,

Wow, thank you for 'getting it.' I did not know about the D2 receptors! I will check it out. That would explain how he is turning into a different person. Thank you for your story. 

That being alone I totally understand. If I need anything after 9pm, I know he will not be in any state to help out (i.e. need medicine for child, a crazy neighbor, or just to feel safe in the house at night). 

What is so crazy is that he just does not understand that his anger behavior is due to the alcohol, but of course everyone else in his life he blames. After beer, I will get loving messages. A flip flop -mad at me for 2hrs then the switch to how I am a great mom thing of course via text messages from afar.

You have on your side a positive that he is not financially dependent on you. The hard part is what do you do when friends or family turn on you for taking that step. They are also the ones who think he does not have a problem, Mr. Awesome.
I really wonder how I am going to get out of this. I need a big plan, I know he will get mad..bla bla bla big show of emotion leading to heavy drinking blamed on me....


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## k22 (Dec 4, 2014)

PBear you are right about the setting boundaries. Thank you for you direct insight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you? 

If he's working on a project, why do you have to support him? 

Why isn't he working to earn a living?

You need to stop worrying about his survival. He will survive. 

What you are doing is enabling him. He cannot keep up his alcoholism and bad behavior unless you help him by supporting him and put up with his bad behavior.

This kind of enabling is called co-dependence. It's when a person (you) put another person's need (his) ahead of your own.

You would benefit from reading the book "Co-Dependent No More".

What does his family say about his alcoholism? Are either of his parents alcoholics?

What does your family say? Are there any alcoholics in your family?

A marriage cannot be fixed until the alcoholic has been in recovery for some time.. 1-2 years. Your best bet is to leave him. Let his family help him.

You also could benefit from joining Al Anon.. support for the family of alcoholics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

k22 said:


> You have on your side a positive that he is not financially dependent on you.


Why is he financially dependent on you?




k22 said:


> The hard part is what do you do when friends or family turn on you for taking that step. They are also the ones who think he does not have a problem,


Do they see his anger? Do they see that he's drunk every night? 

I'm sorry but if your friends and family think that this is a marriage you should stay with, they are not thinking straight. They are no looking out for your best interests or the interests of your child.



k22 said:


> I really wonder how I am going to get out of this. I need a big plan,


The very first thing you need is a support group. Join Al Anon and build a support system out of that group. If you can afford counseling, find a counselor who works with spouses of alcoholics.

Stop talking about these problems with anyone who thinks that you should stay in this situation. They are not good advisors.


if you want to prove to anyone how bad it is. Get your cell phone out and record his angry outbursts, bad behavior, his being drunk nights. Let them see what you are living with. This might all just be abstract to them. (If you do this make several copies of the recordings/videos.)


Me? I'd record it with out him knowing so that when he started to blame me.. I had something to send to him to show him what his behavior is like. And I would tell him I was going to publish it on the internet for all to see if he continued to badmouth me to people.

These recordings might be good in two other situations. 

1) child custody. There is no way your husband should have unsupervised visitation with your child. There should be no overnights with him at all.

2) One thing that might help is to do an intervention with people who back you up... you can show the videos at the intervention if he starts to argue that he does not have a problem.



k22 said:


> I know he will get mad..bla bla bla big show of emotion leading to heavy drinking blamed on me....


The way you handle this is that once you live him, do not talk to him. Protect yourself.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is he using emotional blackmail to keep you in a relationship? His choices, and his mental health is his to own. he should not put something like that on you. If he is using this type of language, get a voice recorder, and record him. This could be very important no matter what you do. Create back-ups and give copies to entrusted people. Create security for yourself. Make other people aware of these issues,, via your family and his. Create text and save those conversations, do it through email too, create your evidence. He is an unstable person, and that is maybe where you get the feeling of something wrong, who knows.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

k22 said:


> Its so easy to say "prove it or I leave," *but* he has me in a position where he needs me to support him, and me pulling out would leave him with a survival issue.


Let me reword that for you:



k22 said:


> Its so easy to say "prove it or I leave," *and the good news regarding that is that* he has me in a position where he needs me to support him, and me pulling out would leave him with a survival issue. *So I've decided to take my child and go stay at my mothers house until he agrees to get help for his drinking and temper and I see some concrete results.*


For extra effect, have divorce papers tacked to the fridge with a magnet along with your letter. He'll wake up. Guaranteed.

Watch how quickly he changes. 

You have the high ground. Use it correctly and you can help both of you.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:
I could not agree more! My husbands behavior just became worse and worse with time. When my fourth child was born the little guy was quite ill, at the same time I had a job change for the better, however, it required a lot of extra work. I was stuck! I just did my best to get from one day to the other. My husband knew I was stuck, and just did whatever the hell he wanted.......he did not think ahead. Now that my fourth child is significantly better, and my job is better than ever, all of a sudden I have options. YOU have options. My husband realized he was up sh.. creek without a paddle without me. I have taken care of ALL the responsibilities and he has no clue where to even begin. My husband needs me and your husband needs you. The only difference is the reason why. 

Trust me, he will be mad. He will try to bully you. It will be HARD and STRESSFUL as he takes his anger out on you. Hold your ground! Totally detach from him and carry on with your life. Treat him like a roommate. It took a LONG time before my husband figured out he had to start listening to me and dealing with his alcoholism. He is still working on keeping his temper controlled. It took a long time for him to figure out he could not bully me into carrying on with the way things were. (Because the anger and bullying worked for twenty years!) 

He has made changes, and your husband will too. You are the one holding the cards here. Will he change enough? Will the fact that he was forced to treat you better make your feelings return for him? I can't answer that. But it is all you have right now.


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