# I think I’m at the end of the road



## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

This will be quite long and there are so many variants so you may not get the full picture.
I’ve been with my OH for 16 years, married for 9, have 2 young kids (under 8).
I know I’ve fallen out of love with him and I can’t admit it. I guess I’m scared of the future, not without him but telling the kids, financially (I work full time). There’s always something that’s going to stop me so I need to stop finding a reason. 
so the things..

when I go out with my friends hell text me all night long, he knows where I am and who I’m with, he can even TRACK me. Yet when he’s out I don’t actually care, in a nice way I want to have a good time!
even with family (my sister and my best friend) if I’m out with them and I don’t reply quick enough to him hell question me and I’ll descend into a row.
he will check when I’m online when he’s at work and will ask what I’m doing - it’s so suffocating.
I’m struggling to find the balance and reason in thinking yeah he cares to now I feel like I can’t do F all without him questioning.
(I might add here - he kissed someone drunk at a party when I was 9 months pregnant and he was texting a girl who didn’t care so much about me - lots of flirt, lots of kisses but as far as I know nothing physical).

he wants sex and oral ALL the time, I don’t. I’m in no control of my own desires. I meet in the middle with him when I don’t fancy doing something but I’m doing it through gritted teeth - is that normal?
we will bicker and he has to have the last word all the time, which is fine but it can last 4/5 hours over something small. Then after we seem to clear it up He thinks being intimate will be OK - I can’t stand it! It’s like rewarding a kid for bad behaviour.
he works hard and is a great dad to the kids but I don’t enjoy any time I spend with him.
I suggested marriage counselling, and he doesn’t want to do it. We have something going on with his work that isn’t normal but it’s causing massive stress and has done for the last 5 years. It ends next year but I think that has not helped him but he’s never done anything about it. I’ve had to put up with moods and stress all this time.
Recently I went sick with stress at work and have since handed my notice in and starting a new job at a firm that I’m so excited for. Now I’ve realised a lot of that stress is him whilst WFH (I manage) as he doesn’t help when my youngest is home whilst I have lots of work on. I’m worried now that going to my new job he won’t respect it and the stresses I’ll face.
also hea very in my face, when he’s angry and we argue he will get so far up in my face and tell me he is angry. He’s pushed me twice (drunk when I was pregnant and another when he was coming down the stairs rowing with me). I’m not scared of him, but I don’t respect him anymore and that’s the problem.

I feel like I never want to do anything for him, speak to him or be around him because if the way he makes me feel. Does that make me bad? 

there is a lot more so ask away if you need more clarity. Im not perfect but I certainly don’t make him feel this way ever. 

thanks


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi Strawberry dream and welcome,

Reading through your post there certainly seems to be a number of issues here and it's understandable why you are at this place. 

There's lots of content here, but ultimately I read you are not happy and he is not prepared to work on it with you:



Strawberrydreams said:


> I suggested marriage counselling, and he doesn’t want to do it


Why did you suggest MC, was it to try to resolve it, or use another voice to help you leave? What is your goal?


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

I suggested it as I feel like he needs to hear another voice and ultimately I need to understand if I’m being unreasonable.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Before you file for divorce, I would at least give him the ultimatum of MC or divorce. He sounds like he has no idea you are this unhappy.

Do understand, MC is not a situation where it is 2 against 1. Good MC is way to help both of you see your own faults as cause for the problems but overcome them & communicate more clearly as path back to being in love with each other. 

DH & I did MC last summer. It helped me realize his communication style won't change so I have to be OK with it. Your results may vary.


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

He does know. Absolutely does. He tries but I think I know the answer - I just don’t want to be here and the damage has been done now.


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Before you file for divorce, I would at least give him the ultimatum of MC or divorce. He sounds like he has no idea you are this unhappy.
> 
> Do understand, MC is not a situation where it is 2 against 1. Good MC is way to help both of you see your own faults as cause for the problems but overcome them & communicate more clearly as path back to being in love with each other.
> 
> DH & I did MC last summer. It helped me realize his communication style won't change so I have to be OK with it. Your results may vary.


Thanks - I know it isn’t just him, it could well be me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Strawberrydreams said:


> He does know. Absolutely does. He tries but I think I know the answer - I just don’t want to be here and the damage has been done now.


When the damage has been done, that repair is rarely sufficient.

Painful memories can only be swallowed whole, and they usually get stuck in your craw. Thus, they are never digested away.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Strawberrydreams said:


> He does know. Absolutely does. He tries but I think I know the answer - I just don’t want to be here and the damage has been done now.


It sounds as though you have made a decision? If you are truly done, as scary as it may feel, you should tell him. 



Strawberrydreams said:


> Thanks - I know it isn’t just him, it could well be me.


It could be a fundamental incompatibility issue. Either way you have boundaries and needs and he's not meeting those.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I cant begin to understand your full situation, but some things you have said resonate with me, so I'll ask a couple of questions of you. My wife and I are still together although we separated for a while before we worked things out.

How do you respond to disagreement, do you stonewall or do you share your opinions? 

It seems that when you fight you don't resolve the issue and that means you're angry and don't want make up sex. 

Does he have a reason to be very insecure? I imagine it's horrible to feel so controlled, but does he have past trauma that makes him this way? (Not saying you inflicted the trauma btw)

Has he said why he doesn't want to go to mc?

Ultimately it sounds like you're done with this relationship but your concience is keeping you there.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I agree with @D0nnivain If you do want to give it a try to save the marriage you need to insist on MC or divorce is inevitable. If you already believe that you are beyond the point of no return then don't drag it out. I have to ask, there isn't another person is there? Are you talking to anyone about your issues other than your husband?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

There is a reason he doesn't trust you. Hence all of the monitoring.

Either 1) he is projecting his guilt onto you - cheaters suspect other people of cheating because it's how THEY think. 

or 2) you aren't telling us everything about your past with him.

When there is no trust, and in your case, no real joy, I don't see why you'd attempt to save it, unless you really wanted to.

Sounds like your H needs a HUGE wake up call - he probably understands you are "complaining" but doesn't really feel the risk of losing you for real. You need to make that real for him, and see if anything changes. That's if you even want to bother.


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> I cant begin to understand your full situation, but some things you have said resonate with me, so I'll ask a couple of questions of you. My wife and I are still together although we separated for a while before we worked things out.
> 
> How do you respond to disagreement, do you stonewall or do you share your opinions?
> 
> ...


I’ve never cheated. Ever. Not even emotionally. I get oh well with me, I’ve always worked with men. He’s met the people I work with on many occasions but still doesn’t sit well with him. The problem is we all know men know what men can be like but we as women also no when to say no.
I used to fight back in arguments because I care but now I think it’s more a case of I just bow down and wish it away for an easier life but now that’s not for me.
I think I know what I need to do. It’s just doing it.


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

Strawberrydreams said:


> I’ve never cheated. Ever. Not even emotionally. I get oh well with me, I’ve always worked with men. He’s met the people I work with on many occasions but still doesn’t sit well with him. The problem is we all know men know what men can be like but we as women also no when to say no.
> I used to fight back in arguments because I care but now I think it’s more a case of I just bow down and wish it away for an easier life but now that’s not for me.
> I think I know what I need to do. It’s just doing it.


Oh and yes MC. He doesn’t because he knows the situation we are in as a family which I can’t share that’s looming over us has made him paranoid about his career and ultimately projects this paranoia into everything. He isn’t like this with me, he’s like it with anyone that doesn’t jump to his demands. His own mum, his sister, my sister, anyone - anyone that reads a WhatsApp message and then doesn’t reply he can’t fathom why they aren’t jumping to his demands. So it’s not just me he’s like this with..


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I agree with @D0nnivain If you do want to give it a try to save the marriage you need to insist on MC or divorce is inevitable. If you already believe that you are beyond the point of no return then don't drag it out. I have to ask, there isn't another person is there? Are you talking to anyone about your issues other than your husband?


Yes my family know a lot and my best friend. He chose to drag our families into it the other month in the hope that they would sort the issues and not marriage counselling.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Strawberrydreams said:


> Oh and yes MC. He doesn’t because he knows the situation we are in as a family which I can’t share that’s looming over us has made him paranoid about his career and ultimately projects this paranoia into everything. He isn’t like this with me, he’s like it with anyone that doesn’t jump to his demands. His own mum, his sister, my sister, anyone - anyone that reads a WhatsApp message and then doesn’t reply he can’t fathom why they aren’t jumping to his demands. So it’s not just me he’s like this with..


It sounds exhausting and not nice for anyone to interact with him. Ultimately his problems are not yours to fix and if he's not willing to take responsibility for himself, you can walk away with a clear conscience. It's a very sad situation as he seems to have created a self fulfilling prophecy


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

Strawberrydreams said:


> This will be quite long and there are so many variants so you may not get the full picture.
> I’ve been with my OH for 16 years, married for 9, have 2 young kids (under 8).
> I know I’ve fallen out of love with him and I can’t admit it. I guess I’m scared of the future, not without him but telling the kids, financially (I work full time). There’s always something that’s going to stop me so I need to stop finding a reason.
> so the things..
> ...


Hello-Sorry for what you are dealing with. He might be a good dad but he is not a good husband. Maybe you should seek counseling for yourself and how to prepare the kids for divorce. He has issues he needs to address. Wish there was a simple answer. Take care of yourself and don’t let this get you ill. Stay strong you deserve to be happy


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## Strawberrydreams (Dec 3, 2021)

Memphi70 said:


> Hello-Sorry for what you are dealing with. He might be a good dad but he is not a good husband. Maybe you should seek counseling for yourself and how to prepare the kids for divorce. He has issues he needs to address. Wish there was a simple answer. Take care of yourself and don’t let this get you ill. Stay strong you deserve to be happy


Thank you. I want to go to counselling and have thought about it, I don’t know what to say to my 8 and 3 year old. I don’t want to break up this home, but I simply cannot live like this.
Right now, I’m getting a dressing down by text (whilst he is at work) for not replying to my messages quick enough. Seriously I can’t win!!!!


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

Strawberrydreams said:


> Thank you. I want to go to counselling and have thought about it, I don’t know what to say to my 8 and 3 year old. I don’t want to break up this home, but I simply cannot live like this.
> Right now, I’m getting a dressing down by text (whilst he is at work) for not replying to my messages quick enough. Seriously I can’t win!!!!


No you can’t live like that. No one should feel the way you do. Still taking care of his sexual needs and you not having your needs met is not fair. You are being treated like property not as a wife. Talk with a professional sooner not later.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Strawberrydreams said:


> Thank you. I want to go to counselling and have thought about it, I don’t know what to say to my 8 and 3 year old. I don’t want to break up this home, but I simply cannot live like this.
> Right now, I’m getting a dressing down by text (whilst he is at work) for not replying to my messages quick enough. Seriously I can’t win!!!!


Sounds like he has a mental illness, honestly.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Marriage counseling may help in that he MAY come to understand that everyone gets a reasonable time to reply to messages. What's reasonable depends on a lot of things. 

A message that says you are being rushed to the ER demands a faster response then what do you want for dinner?


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

It sounds like you are married to a needy little insecure boy. Be straight up with him and if you have any inkling of wanting to save the marriage,give him an ultimatum. Otherwise, file for divorce.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Strawberrydreams said:


> This will be quite long and there are so many variants so you may not get the full picture.
> I’ve been with my OH for 16 years, married for 9, have 2 young kids (under 8).
> I know I’ve fallen out of love with him and I can’t admit it. I guess I’m scared of the future, not without him but telling the kids, financially (I work full time). There’s always something that’s going to stop me so I need to stop finding a reason.
> so the things..
> ...


Dump the loser. He sounds like a nightmare. Just make a better life for yourself without him. How smothering! His insecurity is HIS problem. His sexual demands are his problem too. He's all about himself. He's now set up a parent/child dynamic where he's keeping tabs on you like a toddler, so is it any wonder you fell out of love and don't feel particularly sexy with him? Who wants to bang their daddy?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's now set up a parent/child dynamic where he's keeping tabs on you like a toddler, so is it any wonder you fell out of love and don't feel particularly sexy with him? *Who wants to bang their daddy?*


This sums it up perfectly. I sympathize with the OP because that whole submissive vibe is so icky, I don't blame her for being done with it. He treats her like a stupid child, talks down to her, orders her around, and then expects her to perform sexually with no regard for her. I can see why she wouldn't want to continue with a marriage like that. It's demeaning and abusive. Not all abuse is hitting. Talking down to her, belittling her and then demanding sex after treating her so horribly is also abuse. It would be really hard to respect, much less be attracted to, someone who treats you like that. I know it's hard to tell the kids, but they're seeing this too. They're learning how men and women interact from the example set by their parents, I doubt the OP would want her son to treat his wife this way, or his daughter to allow herself to be treated this way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This sums it up perfectly. I sympathize with the OP because that whole submissive vibe is so icky, I don't blame her for being done with it. He treats her like a stupid child, talks down to her, orders her around, and then expects her to perform sexually with no regard for her. I can see why she wouldn't want to continue with a marriage like that. It's demeaning and abusive. Not all abuse is hitting. Talking down to her, belittling her and then demanding sex after treating her so horribly is also abuse. It would be really hard to respect, much less be attracted to, someone who treats you like that. I know it's hard to tell the kids, but they're seeing this too. They're learning how men and women interact from the example set by their parents, I doubt the OP would want her son to treat his wife this way, or his daughter to allow herself to be treated this way.


That's right. She needs to now do some repairative modeling for those kids and show them that you don't put up with this type of treatment.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Who wants to bang their daddy?


Well this opens up another entirely different can of worms but there are lots of young girls that date older guys specifically because of "Daddy Issues". 

They never seemed to be around when I was single, unfortunately.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trident said:


> Well this opens up another entirely different can of worms but there are lots of young girls that date older guys specifically because of "Daddy Issues".
> 
> They never seemed to be around when I was single, unfortunately.


I don't think there's lots of them. I have only met one and that was online on an old fan forum I had. I mean, other than issues you see in forums that you can only speculate about. And that poor young woman had really bad mental illness. She was truly attracted to middle-aged geezers -- and I do mean smarmy geezers who would creep anyone else out. Like there was a pervert who was a member until I kicked him out, and that's who she went after, and she physically went to meet him. Married and a creeper. She traveled long distances to meet him in person.

She was sweet but just had so many mental issues and she even had a physical anomaly where drugs had the opposite effect on her many times, psychotropics, so she was really in trouble psychiatrically. Not sure why she was searching for daddy, and smarmy ones at that, but it's usually abandonment or abuse.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

When women have an absent or abusive father they do seek out a replacement. That is something else for the OP to consider if she has a little girl. I can tell you from experience, abusive fathers mess up little girls.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> When women have an absent or abusive father they do seek out a replacement. That is something else for the OP to consider if she has a little girl. I can tell you from experience, abusive fathers mess up little girls.


Yes, and those are usually smarmy fathers, so they seek out smarmy replacements!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> _*Dump the loser. He sounds like a nightmare. Just make a better life for yourself without him. How smothering! His insecurity is HIS problem. His sexual demands are his problem too. He's all about himself. He's now set up a parent/child dynamic where he's keeping tabs on you like a toddler, so is it any wonder you fell out of love and don't feel particularly sexy with him? Who wants to bang their daddy?*_


FINALLY, a voice of reason.

This guy is SO damned needy!!!! Who the hell needs this freak humping their leg constantly, wanting sex or asking for a BJ? I don't know how you don't throw up all over him, he's so repulsive.

Marriage counseling isn't going to do SQUAT. He's a lunatic and needs some serious counseling because he's not normal in any way. What the hell is a marriage counselor going to do when he's a lunatic? Pfffft to that.

I'd give this pain in the ass exactly 3 months to begin 'fixing' himself. I don't care how he does it, just DO it. If he isn't at last *on the way* to eventually becoming less of a headcase and more of a normal person by the end of 3 months, I'd be DONE with him.

*DONE.*


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, and those are usually smarmy fathers, so they seek out smarmy replacements!


Sometimes the father is smarmy. Sometimes he's absent, and sometimes, like with my father, he's a violent, cruel, hateful monster. They seek out a man to make them feel the safety and security that they miss when they don't have a reliable and loving father. The OP, if she has a little girl (she hasn't said), is showing that child how men treat women. It took me several years and more than one bad boyfriend to get my head on straight, luckily I was supporting myself and putting myself through school so I spent most of my time at work. If the OP allows a destructive father, which an alcoholic father is, to be the example set for her little girl (or boy, for that matter) for how relationships work, those children may or may not ever be able to have healthy relationships. The only thing worse than no father is a bad father. People may disagree, but IMHO, an absent father is FAR superior to a bad one. 

Also, men who are adults and knowingly take advantage of damaged young women for sex truly are scum. I know @Trident is just joking, I'm not talking about him of course. But the men who seek out damaged women, whether it's for a couple of nights or for "marriage," are vermin. The OP doesn't want that for her daughter.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I really think more often than not they unconsciously pick someone kind of like their bad dad, some element. It certainly happened to someone who I'm very close to. She was completely blind to it until recently. They want to love the father who wronged them and they just keep trying on different people as if that will fix something inside them.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I really think more often than not they unconsciously pick someone kind of like their bad dad, some element. It certainly happened to someone who I'm very close to. She was completely blind to it until recently. They want to love the father who wronged them and they just keep trying on different people as if that will fix something inside them.


Yep. They also either want to earn someone's love the way they couldn't earn their father's love, or they deliberately pick someone they know is bad (this was my thing) because deep down they still believed their father was right and they didn't deserve happiness, love or respect. It's a terrible cycle.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

"Does that make me bad?"

Not in the least, given everything that is going on. You've been together quite awhile, so I don't really know how long things have been this way. You're in a limbo of uncertainty right now, and from what I've read that's mostly based on concern over your children's well being. Children are affected by discord. There are a lot of adults I'm sure, who can remember negative interactions between their parents during their childhoods. It was how those things were resolved that may or may not affect them today. How will your present interactions with your husband affect yours? Is there a way for you to find a happier life for yourself and your children? Sure there is. This brings up so much from my own childhood, and maybe I'm just projecting. I wanted my mom to be happy and I wanted my dad to be happy, but there was no happiness when they were together for any of us. Also, even at a young age I knew who was the main cause of it all.

It's okay to value yourself and want a happier life, and I'm pretty sure if your children could talk to you from the future they would say the same thing. We all only get one go round. Nothing is ever perfect in life, but it can be good if we want.

This thread really affected me, so I'm sorry if I seem indulgent. I really do hope that you find your way through this time in your lives.


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## SophiaT (Dec 5, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> When the damage has been done, that repair is rarely sufficient.
> 
> Painful memories can only be swallowed whole, and they usually get stuck in your craw. Thus, they are never digested away.


This is so true. I know you are replying to the above post but it's so relatable to what happened in my marriage. My husband is a veteran with PTSD. He was abused as a child and lost his son a year ago. He has gone through A LOT and is a sensitive person. Whenever in arguments, he would say things like "you have no sympathy for me." Or "Everything is your fault. Why can't you let things go?" He gets unreasonable and would say very hurtful words to get back at me, EVERY TIME, and then later blamed me for not letting my anger go......I am considering divorce too.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Normally when I see the term “controlling” used I roll my eyes but in this situation I think it applies with zero eye roll.

Constantly bothering you throughout the day is irritating and obnoxious. If I ever wonder where my wife is, the text I send her is one of concern for her safety.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Gabriel said:


> There is a reason he doesn't trust you. Hence all of the monitoring.
> 
> Either 1) he is projecting his guilt onto you - cheaters suspect other people of cheating because it's how THEY think.
> 
> ...


Is there such a thing as ethical or moral dishonesty involved if my ability is unavailable because my faith in my spouse to love me is questionable?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@24NitroglyceriN26 ,

The original poster for this thread hasn't been back to TAM since Dec. 6, 2021. See how all the posts are dated back in December? That means that it is an old thread. Replying to an old thread kind of goes nowhere, because the people who wrote these things may or may not be here anymore. The person whom you responded to, Gabriel, made that post on Dec. 3rd and hasn't logged into TAM since the end of February because that person is banned. That means they can't come back and they won't be replying to your question. 

Soooo... if you'd like to ask this question in general, to all of the folks at TAM, I'd suggest that you make a new thread and ask so that people who are currently here, can respond and interact with you. If you just didn't realize this is an old thread, here's how you can tell-- look at the dates right here:










If the date isn't within this month, it's probably an old thread and the people writing on it may not even be here anymore.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I will consider @Affaircare's very thorough and educational post as it should...an appeal to become a mod!



Zombie. Closed. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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