# help please 2x4s welcome



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

My story in brief: 

me 48
H 37
married 12 yrs
no kids

End of Sept 2012 H goes to ireland for work, doesnt come back, doesn't return calls. Finaly calls, gives me ILYBIMILWY speech. says he wants to be alone. End Nov, discover via a so-called friend H is seeing someone and living with her. 

H still wont talk to me nor has seen me since. Only communicates via text. He always says hope me and the animals are fine. (two dogs and three cats) but these are just words it seems. He says he knows he has treated me like sh1t. Still hurts tho. Had first conversation three days ago, regarding my possible bankruptcy. He actually talked to me but did not reveal or open up much. Says he feels guilty and remorseful and is thinking of moving to California on a whim. He is going to be seeing a counsellor starting Tues. 

Sometimes I think I feel detached and just wish him well. Othertimes I can't believe he has done this! Yes he has a lot of baggage and was very unhappy but still he cheated on me, hooked up with her in a bar.

His sister who I am very close with, thinks he is a total sh1t and says she doesn't even think he's happy with his posOW. Must be some hell of a good f*ck then!

The whole of 2012 my H's business went tits up. he has worked nearly every day for the past several years. I know he has been depressed for some time. I think he had a MLC/breakdown. He is broke now and owes plenty of people money. When he left he said he would not leave me in the sh1t as I am severely in debt, debt which he accrued in my name as he wasn't able to qualify for loans and such. All of the debt went to supporting the business. He is trying to rebuild things but its not easy. He moved to Bristol for work and his gf followed him, she is on the dole now. 

The reality however is that I am facing bankruptcy now, my January rent has only been half paid. I am scared. My H promises he will sort it but he is obviously struggling. The rent is in both our names. Having said that, Im sure his flat in Bristol is up to date in rent!

I know I have been too easy on him as I felt bad for him. Yes I know the 2x4s are coming my way, thats fine. I wanted to R. He says he is confused. I dont know the posOW so cant expose her but have exposed my H to friends and family. It didnt have much impact on him, in fact he has very little consequence. I cannot file for D as he is still paying me some rent and bills, and I cant pay for a thing on my own. I won't get a penny in D anyway and I certainly can't afford D as have just £60 left to my name. I havent worked in years, am looking for work but its tough. I am very depressed and on medication to help, but I really am at the bottom. Feel like there's nothing left for me. 

I wish I could wake him up from his fog. 

Im probably going to evicted soon with no rent being paid, feeling scared as hell. We were very close and loving all our married life. I'm left having to deal with everything on my own. If I didn't have the animals, I know I'd never get up from bed and would probably be thinking seriously about doing myself in. (|I think about it now but won't do it)

advice? 2x4? suggestions? I know there's not much anyone can say. I am truly at the bottom now.

Link for my thread in D&S:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/58161-my-story-surviving-thriving.html


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

No 2x4 here.

Serve him with divorce papers and file bankruptcy (see an attorney to figure out which should come first).

You ARE at the bottom now... it's time to work your way out of it.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

See if an attorney can set it so you get a D with him as an abandoning H and have the debt pushed off on him as much as possible.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You don't need a 2x4 except for that part about hurting yourself. 

You can pull through this.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

He is not worth hurting yourself, just read on in this forum and you will see that we as the BS have a way of coming out begtter than we were to begin with!

Listen to the others about the lawyer stuff and act now on that.


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Oh wow, I'm sorry about all of this. You sound like me, all those years ago. My ex cleared the bank account when he left and I had kids to care for, a mortgage to pay and all the other bills. I speak from experience. 

I am only going to ask you to do 3 things:

Find a local solicitor - most will give you a free first hour. Take all financial info with you and file for divorce.

Second, make an appointment with your nearest Citizens Advice Bureau. Take all financial info with you and you then start to deal with the debt sh1t. I know you don't believe it but it can be sorted.

Third, believe in your soul that you will come out of this. I don't know you but from what you write, I can see you are a strong lady. I guarantee that if you follow the advice of the good people here, one year from now your life is going to be so much better.

I haven't said a word about your husband. Do I need to? Really?


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

WOMAN! Get off of your chair! Get a fund together from friends and family, book a trip to Ireland. Find out where the hell he is. Find out her name and where she lives. Shock the sh!t out of him and show up unexpectedly. Put on a trench and your highest heels, board the damn plane, get to his place and ask him for the damn rent, your airfare and tell him you need to spend the night for your return trip back home. YOU ARE HIS DAMN WIFE, ACT like it! Enough of the wussy!!! Grow some ballz! Don't lie down and take this.

PS Make sure you look FABULOUS!


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Unbelievable.

That's a very cruel abandonment. And to top it off, after what you did for him with his business. 

All I can say is to look forward. File the divorce, file for bankruptcy, stop talking to this loser and understand that life only gets better what you've been dealt with like this. 

Stay strong.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Btw...when you spend the night, parade around in a firkin teddy. She encroached on your marriage turf, you have legal rights to return the favor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hang in there Chopsy. It's fear and loneliness and loss talking and who can blame you. Things can't be undone and it's almost certain that he can't come back now if he wanted to. you'd resent him too much.

Friends and social activities are important to help you get through this.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

It sounds like your husband has had some sort of mental breakdown.

That's unbelievable to just disappear like that. Cowardly. 

Do you know anybody or can you afford some legal/financial advice?

Maybe bankruptcy IS the best option at this point? Many, many people come back from bankruptcy. And this was not your doing, other than loving your husband and helping him financially. This is NOT your fault.

Your life is where it is because your husband dragged you down. Believe me - you are still young enough to start over. Get some advice if you can (do you have family or friends who can help with a place to stay) and move forward.

Get through this upcoming week and remember that things will look up after this.


----------



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks so much for the advice! I'm not feeling so out of control anymore as I finally see he has he stuff to sort (IC on tues, a shed load of baggage) and I have to let him get on with it and I have my stuff to sort. Got some advice re finances so will see if I can at least freeze the interest. Tempted to go bankrupt but I want to make sure that's my one option. 

Talked to my H twice this past week. It's very clear he is severely messed up. The OW isn't that important to him, he made that clear. I have empathy for him but I just can't get emotionally involved. His business is better now so he is helping more and my rent is up to speed thanks to him. Felt like he was being honest with me for the first time in months. He wasn't feeding me any lines, or anything. But I need to let him go and heal himself now as I need to heal myself. 

Have been offered a home by dear friends living elsewhere. Theyve offerd me their lovely farm house to rent for an extremely low rent. They have thee dogs themselves so they don't care about the animals. Moving April. I need to find a job for April and a short term job here now. 

My dr upped my meds on Friday as I've been a mess the past two weeks. And she's put me on the urgent list for therapy so hopefully that comes through soon. If not, H offered to pay for private counselling if I want to see someone now. 

Feel like I can breathe a little now. Not quite so desperate. Still much to do so I must get on with it. You guys are superstars, thanks for all the messages. xox


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Thanks so much for the advice! I'm not feeling so out of control anymore as I finally see he has he stuff to sort (IC on tues, a shed load of baggage) and I have to let him get on with it and I have my stuff to sort. Got some advice re finances so will see if I can at least freeze the interest. Tempted to go bankrupt but I want to make sure that's my one option.
> 
> Talked to my H twice this past week. It's very clear he is severely messed up. The OW isn't that important to him, he made that clear. I have empathy for him but I just can't get emotionally involved. His business is better now so he is helping more and my rent is up to speed thanks to him. Felt like he was being honest with me for the first time in months. He wasn't feeding me any lines, or anything. But I need to let him go and heal himself now as I need to heal myself.
> 
> ...


Huge respect to you my dear. :smthumbup:


----------



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> It sounds like your husband has had some sort of mental breakdown.
> 
> That's unbelievable to just disappear like that. Cowardly.
> 
> ...


Thanks Cedarman. Sometimes I don't feel young enough to start over but I haven't got an option. Re. Debts, if I did manage to convince them to freeze interest and take token payment for six months say, what happens after that? Thinking might just bite the bullet on bankruptcy. Hard to know what to do.


----------

