# At my wit’s end



## sickofbeingtheniceguy (May 2, 2012)

So, here’s my situation. Year before last I got a divorce after many many years of marriage. Was single for a while and then found a beautiful woman who seemed to have it all together and after a few weeks of a slow start absolutely exploded with passion, intimacy, etc. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I fell madly in love with this woman. I still am! But, she was way more “experienced” with other lovers than I. I was with the same woman from the time I was a teenager while she ran all over the world doing exciting, crazy and wild things with other men of all body types, economic backgrounds and races. Then she decided she wanted the husband and family and all and we got married soon thereafter. Just before the wedding things started going downhill. Sex with me is just plain vanilla with her wanting it over ASAP and if I ask what I can do for her and offer to do ANYTHING to make her feel good I’m told there is nothing I can do that she likes. I’m not that bad looking, not out of shape. Yes, there is room for improvement but that can be said about anyone. I do well more than my share of the housework, cooking, cleaning and ALL the yard work. When I try to do anything out of the way nice for her I get criticized or informed that she’s done that with someone else and it was more fun or in a better place, etc. I’m at my wit’s end. We have gone from having sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to once a week if I’m lucky. She will not try anything at all to make it better for me. No heals, lingerie, foreplay, kissing, nothing! Just climb on and watch the clock. I’ve been trying to improve myself and the way I look, dress for her but get nothing in return. I realize a woman can have a decreased libido after 40 but good grief! Is it too much to ask to spice things up for someone who loves her and cares for her and works his butt off for her every day? The sad thing is that I know the answer to all these questions and I’m amazed at all the other similar threads on this site. I think I just need to hear for you all to be sure my mind is working correctly. I’ve started looking for places to rent to move out but don’t want to actually do this. I truly love this woman with all my heart and I’ve been trying my best for over a year now. I feel guilty thinking I deserve better. Now to top everything off, I’m getting laid off and will lose my income soon. Now I’m sure she feels unsecure about things although if this was a real marriage we would still have more than enough to live comfortable together. She got married late in life and seems to want more of a business partner than a real husband. Advice?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sick,

Short of counseling, you already knowing admit you have the answer.

ask her if she wants to still be in this relationship and if she does, the two of you need counseling if you want to have a shot at saving it

Good luck!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, that is so sad for you. It doesn't look good. I agree with Toffer, counseling now. If she refuses, well, that's just one more piece of info.

Good luck with your job search.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Agree with the others. Your sense about her might be 100% correct. If that is the case you have a fundamental mismatch where you are thinking marriage = commitment and she is thinking about personal benefit first.

A side note. My ex made plans to bail soon after I got laid off, when it became apparent that I could not just slip into the same lucrative position I had before. If your gut is telling you there is a problem here, make protecting yourself as much a priority as saving the marriage. What will do you if she bails and fights you on support, or runs up a bunch of bills?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Also, this would be a good time to reflect on your first marriage and see if there's anything you might be doing to cause this problem.

If for example (and I'm just guessing here) you present yourself primarily as a hard worker and go-getter (and ignore the interpersonal attributes you bring to the table) it might not be surprising that you are getting women who value what you can do for them and are not prepared to give much back.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sickofbeingtheniceguy said:


> She got married late in life and seems to want more of a business partner than a real husband. Advice?


I think you're on to something. She sowed her wild oats and then decided she needed a butler. So, she used sex to hook you and then took it away once you signed on the dotted line. That's usually not the case, but your sex life has declined so far and so fast that it looks like bait and switch is the most likely explanation.

You have three options.
1. The status quo. You change nothing. You remain her butler. She isn't attracted to you. And, you get no sex.
2. You leave her. You don't have to change yourself. But, you're away from her and you might have better luck with another woman.
3. You change yourself. She has admitted to being attracted to alpha bad boys. So, if you give yourself some alpha bad boy traits, it's possible that she will be more attracted to you. If not, you can always go back to option 1 or 2.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I think it might be a mix of "getting older and need to settle down" all woman expect that as they age their options decrease dramatically. 

Did she try to hook you with sex? I don't know. Maybe she was into it all and then it got boring for her. I have a friend who was so swept up in her whirlwind relationship and got married, 10 years later they're getting divorced because it was just not what she really wanted, she just got caught up in everything. 

I say MC, I don't think a person should have to re-create themselves for someone. I do want to also say to review anything you've done different from when you met. It's possible that you made her feel wonderful and treasured then fell into a now that I've got you I don't have to work so hard rut. I know my husband did that. He worked so hard to get me, thought I was out of reach, way out of his league, then once he got me he stopped, almost 10 years later he can't even remember how to do it again, but he's trying. You should like you're in touch with things like that, but it's always good to double check. All a woman want is to feel like they're the only woman in the world, that it doesn't matter if someone else is thinner, bigger boobs, prettier hair, funnier, smarter, makes more money, that no one in the world can have something she doesn't. Because she is perfect.


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