# Marriage is taking a backseat to wife's career



## et um (Nov 2, 2010)

Last night my wife told me she thought I'd be happier if we divorced. We've been together for 13 years, and married for 9. Things were going swimmingly for quite awhile, but started to fall apart while she was both working and going to school about three years back. At the time I was looking to leave my corporate job, but offered to stick it out a while longer and use the extra money to put her through school so she'd have more time. 

This period was stressful, both because we had to be frugal (adjusting to living on a single salary) and because school started taking up most of her time. No biggie, I figured, once she graduates she'll find a job so our finances will improve, and we can spend more time together. 

After graduation she started working with a small startup without getting paid. She took another contract job for a few months, but it dried up and she went back to the startup. While she's actually started making some pay, the hours are incredibly long. I've started to resent her work, in addition to not spending time together I'm now forced to work full time and manage all of the chores/housework. 

Last night she brought up the idea of separating. She acknowledges that she has hurt my feelings by spending all of her time at work, but has no will to change. I brought up the idea of seeing a marriage counselor, but she believes the counselor will squarely place the blame on her for not making our marriage a priority (and admits that is the case). 

We're both going to make an effort to get over our resentment towards each other (I resent her working all of the time, she resents me not being supportive of her work), and she's going to set aside one night a week when she'll come home so we can spend some time together. We both still love each other and neither one of us is seeing anyone else, but we're making each other miserable. Has anyone else been here? Is it possible to fix this and get our marriage back on track?


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

How long does she expect that to go on? Why is she so dedicated to that one start up company? How would she be financially if you do separate...would the long hours, little pay job be enough to support her? 

Unless boat loads of money are going to be coming in soon through her efforts, I really think she needs to start actively looking for another job. 

Soo I would question what she is getting out of the company.


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## et um (Nov 2, 2010)

Unfortunately she doesn't have a timeframe other than "the forseeable future." She's working on a lot of new scientific developments which I think is the appeal for her, the head of the place is her old physics professor so I think she views it a lot like a continuation of school.

As for the finances I really don't know, I've always handled the finances in our relationship and have been supporting us for the past three years. The next big break at this startup is always just around the corner, but based on what she's made previously it won't be enough to support her. 

There's no way I'll be able to convince her to find another job, even setting a few boundaries about when she works was off the table. I get the impression she'd be happiest sleeping on a cot in the office so she wouldn't ever have to leave and deal with the more "mundane" aspects of life.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

et um said:


> Unfortunately she doesn't have a timeframe other than "the forseeable future." She's working on a lot of new scientific developments which I think is the appeal for her, the head of the place is her old physics professor so I think she views it a lot like a continuation of school.
> 
> As for the finances I really don't know, I've always handled the finances in our relationship and have been supporting us for the past three years. The next big break at this startup is always just around the corner, but based on what she's made previously it won't be enough to support her.
> 
> There's no way I'll be able to convince her to find another job, even setting a few boundaries about when she works was off the table. I get the impression she'd be happiest sleeping on a cot in the office so she wouldn't ever have to leave and deal with the more "mundane" aspects of life.


That sounds incredibly selfish of her, and like a touch of reality is something she needs. ..are you sure something extra marital is not going on at work? 

If she is so determined to pursue long hours (and little pay..) in place of a relationship with you, I don't think you have much of a choice. I think you need to sit down and say "As your husband, I think I have a right to know how long you expect this schedule to go on." Let her know "the foreseeable future" isn't good enough, you deserve a time frame. Don't let it get hostile or sound confrontational. 

Could this be an excuse for her to leave the relationship? At a certain point you might just have to do what's best for yourself and give her what she wants..


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## et um (Nov 2, 2010)

Thanks Nick. I'm pretty sure she's not cheating, she invites me to hang out with her co-workers and has had similar obsessions like this in the past. We talked a little more and I made it clear there were no hard feelings if she wanted out, she felt similarly. I suspect her talk of separation was the result of feeling guilty about hurting my feelings and spurred by a bad day at the office.

While I don't think she's going to give it up any time soon she at least seems more willing to put some effort into improving the marriage. Personally I'm hoping it's just a phase, these obsessions have petered out in the past. She made clear it won't be an ugly divorce if I do decide to split (we don't have kids, are pretty clear on who would get what, and she's willing to give me the house since I've been the one paying for it), but I'm not in any hurry and am optimistic that things may be different in another six months.


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