# Advantage to filing first for divorce ?



## Cooper

I have posted on other threads about my marriage trouble so I won't re-hash it here. But I do have a question. Is there any advantage to being the first to file in a divorce? I received a sympathy card in the mail last week with a note warning me that my wife has been talking to an attorney and I needed "to freeze my assets and get an attorney quick". I have not confronted my wife with this info for several reasons, with the main one being I'm thinking I need to beat her to the court house and file first. I havn't even talked with an attorney yet so I am already behind, but does it really matter? 

Cooper


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## draconis

It depends, for most nothing. But in divorce many talk up stuff, as the first to file it makes it look like the second is just giving sour grapes for any thing they say.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman

I had a co-worker whose wife Drained their bank account, then opened one up with her mother and put the money in there, she then filed for divorce, at that moment that money was frozen in the "mutual account" but not the mother daughter one, he could not touch that money, so he lost out on about 10,000 I believe.

It was a ugly divorce, anything that is mutual gets split up 50/50 be aware of any drop in account $$ or new secret aco****s by the wife.

Some are civil, some are not.


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## believer

Hey cooper - it's believer here. We both were going through some hard time back in the spring & were keeping up to date on each of our situations. 
It has been awhile but I do recall that you were extremely giving in your relationship to your wife & you kids - almost to a fault. Because I remeber relating you in that way in particular. 

But even though you seemed terribly unhappy & your wife was treating you badly you were determined to try to stay in your marriage. Not sure how things have been going recently - maybe you thought things were getting better or just turned a blind eye to what was going on?
But someone must be looking out for you by giving you the heads up about your wife. Do you have any idea who this tip came from?

As for you consulting with a lawyer - I think it is highly recommended - just so you know your rights, if for nothing else. some might even do a free 30 minute consultation over the phone to answer some basic questions? 
But as a post mentioned earlier - as much as you would think your wife wouldn't do such a thing as drain your accounts - haven't we all underestimated our mate judgement? If I recall you pretty much control the finances in your house so that should help but maybe you remove her name from your joint account in the meantime as a precautionary measure or take some cash out & stash in case of an emergency. 
I know back in the spring this is not the road you would have chosen to go down but you may not have a choice in the matter any more. And it is better to be pro- active & protect yourself then to look back in hind sight & say " I should have/could have" done something more before it was too late. 

The bummer of the deal is that lawyers are not cheap but again your future may be riding on this so a few hundred bucks now may be well worth it. YOu may even look into if your employer or your wife's offer an Employee Assistance Program. I utilized that program from my husbands employer to draw up our existing support document. I got a % discount/ hour & 1 hour free consultation. Let me mention, I called & spoke & met with numerous lawyers before I made my decision. Almost like a DR. you want to find the right one that understands your needs & will listen to you & give you honest advice. And that aren't just out to see how much they can make off your situation. I interviewed/met a few & decided they would make the process so much more difficult and adversarial (sp?) then it would need to be. 
But each state has different laws regarding divorce so what applies in one may not work in another. I know the state I am in is called a "no fault" state & that I don't have to prove that my husband was unfaithful ( which I could do) but if I want a divorce - I could seek one without his approval. 

Definitely get some legal advice - better to be safe than sorry. 

Good luck & if she really is going ahead with it - it may be better for you in the long run? Even though you may not think so at the moment - maybe this is your turning point of where you can finally break free from your unhappy/loveless marriage & start living again?

Keep me posted & next time I'll give you an update on what's going on with me.


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## voivod

bragging rights...i think that's the "advantage"...divorce is a lawsuit...in america, there are no winners...you want "bragging rights?"...file first...i'm being sarcastic...i think i'm skipping my counseling session tomorrow...i'm starting to find myself!!!! (kidding)


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## Feeling Destroyed!

Hi Cooper, I'm totally new here so I'm not sure if I'm doing everything right or not.

I just wanted to more or less concur with another poster here.... not to say that it nec. gives them an advantage, but in my case, my husband went in to his attorney and pretty much made me look like a crazy person. He retained this lawyer but told them not to actually "file" the paperwork yet. Well, he slipped and I caught him. After MANY lies, he admitted what he had done. Knowing that I was totally trusting him about the $$ part of our marriage, he knew just how to get all the money to do such. (He had "Stole" the $ that was for our Cobra Health Ins. and we ended up losing the Ins!) He had also "stole" $ which he had opened a secret bank acct. with. (I say "stole" because I believe that's just what it was when he was taking $ that was for our family, Ins., etc... nothing extra that we had sitting away!) Because he had been introduced to one of our County Judges through adventures of playing music, and we had that same judge at our home on a few different occasions, playing music with my husband and a couple of others. My husband had even bragged to several people about how he "Knew" and played music with this Co. Judge! When ANY issue came up requiring legal advise and/or recommendations for other attorneys, he ALWAYS called this judge, and yes, the judge would give him names (personal Legal aquaintances!) whom he recommended to contact. 

The attorney that he ended up securing, "so happened" to be on the Board of "something" here in our Co. So, hmmm... I questioned whether he had contacted this Judge for the recommendation, and he claimed that he did not! He claims (still to this day) that he found her in the Ph. book, and then called the Judge to see what his opinion of her was. A Big Ad, he says. Well, after going through both ph. books we had, about 5 times each, (with no missing pages), I concluded that he had indeed got her name from the Judge. He still denied. After I caught him and he finally admitted, he said he was sorry and he called it off with the Attorney, and asked for any paperwork to be Faxed to him. (That was at my insistance, I wanted to see EVERYTHING!) Lo and behold, they did Fax and then sent hard copies through the mail, including a letter stating that she (the attorney) was no longer representing him. Later I was looking them over, and in the "Recommended By:" line, I could see that there had been writing that had been whited out before copies and faxes were made. I could also make out just enough at the top and bottom as to who's name had been there. He denied it over and over. Finally, I said to him.... Look, if she was altering your records, you should want to know just what it was as that would be illegal to do so. I also suggested that he and I go by the attorney and walk in and ask just what had been done to his paperwork. When I began to get dressed to go, he saw I was not kidding around, and only then did he admit that he had called them Later (away from my presence) and asked what was on the paperwork. They told him, and he asked them to whiteout the Judges name!!! I asked WHY he would even mention the judge's name if the judge hadn't recommended her, and his words were exactly this..."To score brownie points." Now we all know what that means, but later, my daughter asked him Why he had said that, and he told her, "As they say in business, to keep ahead of the competition!" So, with all this said, he was simply not going to be nice about anything... he attempting a go for the juggler! 

A few days after that, I called the Judge's Office and finally spilled the beans on my husband... letting them know what he had done and also, letting them know that it was HE who was the crazy, dangerous one. On one occasion, I had a Police Report to prove it, and on another occasion I had stitches to my head (both hosp. ER and Fam. Dr.) plus 2 of our daughters (in their early 20's) to prove it!!

So, you can see how desperate someone can be, and esp. so, when they want to keep their "good name!" (Yeah, right!) And while in my case, the Judge couldn't have helped my husband out of a paper bag, or.... not legally so. But then again, I am suspicious of most anything, anymore....

By the way, I hadn't ever talked with an attorney, and I still haven't. And this is my first discussion about it publicly anywhere, other than my Dr. and calling the Judge's office. We are still together, but it's pretty horrible. 

I wish you Good Luck!


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## voivod

Feeling Destroyed! said:


> >>>He had "Stole" the $ that was for our Cobra Health Ins. and we ended up losing the Ins!) He had also "stole" $ which he had opened a secret bank acct. with. (I say "stole" because I believe that's just what it was when he was taking $ that was for our family, Ins., etc... nothing extra that we had sitting away!<<<<
> 
> **YOU USED THE CORRECT WORD..STOLE IS WHAT HE DID, IN MANY JURISDICTIONS, TAKING MONEY FROM THE SITUATION AND RATHOLING IT IS ILLEGAL
> 
> >>>>Because he had been introduced to one of our County Judges through adventures of playing music, and we had that same judge at our home on a few different occasions, playing music with my husband and a couple of others. My husband had even bragged to several people about how he "Knew" and played music with this Co. Judge! When ANY issue came up requiring legal advise and/or recommendations for other attorneys, he ALWAYS called this judge, and yes, the judge would give him names (personal Legal aquaintances!) whom he recommended to contact.<<<<<
> 
> ***THE BAR ASSOCIATION WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THAT STORY...CAN YOU CORROBORATE???
> 
> >>>>>So, with all this said, he was simply not going to be nice about anything... he attempting a go for the juggler!<<<<<
> 
> YOU'D PROBABLY DRAW MORE BLOOD GOING FOR THE JUGULAR...:lol: sorry, i thought that was cute. a little humor on this front is what's needed...
> 
> I wish you Good Luck!


there will be a book written on this subject called "divorce dirty tricks" and i hope all the bureaucrats read it and burst into the flames of hell.....then i hope thier juggler clogs and they have a massive stroke (i'm kidding karma gods...kidding)


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## sunlover

Cooper yes, FREEZE them all now but you won' be able to use them either. My husand drew on a home equity loan that was barely used with an open balance to borrow on of $160K he took it all & used the excuse he thought I was going to take it! I didn't even know about it, I signed a HE loan & we borrowed 66k on it 4 years ago & I forgot about it. My attorney made him put it back.
Get copies of all tax records now . Records will soon be dissapearing.
My marriage of 28 years is on the rocks & my husband is doing all the bad things. I had to hire an attorney to block him on all things he was doing!
sunlover


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## Cooper

Thanks for all the info, as I suspected there is no advantage to filing first. I have moved money into another account and lowered our credit card max, nothing I'm trying to hide, just for financial protection.

Believer it was nice to hear you still remember me. I had basically turned a blind eye to what was going on(as you guessed) and just kind of thought things would work out. Neither of us was really working at fixing the real issues. 

I sat down with her last night and told her I know she was talking to a lawyer and planning a divorce. I told her it has taken me awhile but I agree it is the correct option for us. We started talking about some ground rules and she shocked me and said she doesn't want the house or even want to stay here. She doesn't want to go thru a divorce, she just wants to get an annulment and be done. We have two teenagers at home and she is so desparate to get away she is willing to leave them. I was blown away. My wife is not the kind of person who likes to be alone, she still denies it but I am sure she has someone to go to. 

And yes I have talked to an attorney and am talking to a different one next week. Even though I want things to be fair I have to make sure I'm not being stupid.

Believer I am interested in how you are doing, I wasn't on this forum in awhile so I'm not sure if you have still been posting. Last I remember you and your husband were no longer living together, it sounds like you have progressed to the point of divorce, yes? I hope you are taking care of yourself and I hope you have friends and family to support you. I am a tough old dog yet today when I was at work and my mind started wandering I actually teared up.This emotional burden is very heavy to carry alone, please reach out to those that love you.
Let me know if you need to talk, I will be on here often looking for support myself and would like to hear how you are.

Cooper


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## Feeling Destroyed!

voivod ,

LOL! Thanks for the good humor and for making me notice my wrong spelling of "jugular!" 

I will ellaborate a tad more.... (Keep in mind that I pretty much know this judge as much as my husband....) When we first learned about this guy and that he was interested in playing beatles music (but hadn't met him in person yet) he was an attorney that was running for County Judge. By the time that they actually got together at our house to attempt putting a band together, he had made Judge. I sat in on all of the music sessions which were at our home, and I've even served him several cups of coffee. However, of course, it was my husband who was the "involved one" as far as the music went. Also, it was my husband who called him with legal questions.

But ironically, once I discovered what all had been going on with my husband retaining the attorney, etc., when I called for him because I wanted to let him know what my husband was doing and saying, he did not call me back... he had one of his office employees call me back, saying, "the Judge wanted to know what was going on." And this fella also told me that the judge couldn't legally speak with me about anything.

Hmmm.... but it was legal all those times to talk with my husband and give him advise and recommendations? Plus, he at this point might have thought I was the devil because he had spoke with my husband already and KNEW what was going on!!!

But, he had only heard one side of the story, so once I was able to speak with the assistant, I held nothing back and told them everything, and I also told him to check with our Police Dept, and he could see for himself where 2 officers had been to our home because of abuse.

Ultimately, I feel in my Heart and Bones that my husband felt that he had an ally (this Judge) and that no one would believe me. He also believed that the female attorney he had secured would go farther on a limb to help his butt because of knowing the judge!! ("to Score Brownie points"... his words exactly.)

Desperation is what it was called.... 

Another thing... (maybe this is for another board or Topic) but... this attorney also allowed my husband to use her office address for his own gain in securing his secret bank acct. Believe me, I believe that I got as much as 90% of the truth out of my husband and then saw with my own eyes. Her address was indeed used on his Bank acct., (he allowed me to come with him when he closed out the bank acct.) plus, when she sent him hard copies of everything (albeit that they marked out stuff for him), she also sent him one of his bank statements that had came to her office. While that stuff may very well be legal, I feel it's definitely VERY DIRTY!! Also, she had asked my husband for my social security # and he gave it. Just because he is who he is, I cannot understand why it's legal for him to give it out without my permission. Later, when he canceled retaining her as his attorney, and spoke on the phone, he asked why she had wanted my Social (again, at my insistance) her included letter with the hard copies said that most attorneys no longer ask for the spouse's SS, but that she still does because it can help them track down any hidden assets. 

It all still doesn't sound quite right to me though.... ???


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## believer

Hey cooper
It's very late now so I want to be brief & will post again soon. I am sorry to hear that you are moving toward divorce. As both you & I had corresponded in past - this is NOT what we had planned for our lives & marriage. However, our spouses have made decision or actions that have been harmful to us & we can no longer "look the other way". It is unfortunate in one case because it is very likely that our marriages will "officially" come to an end and we are only now able/willing to accept it. 
But on the positive side, maybe we both can find happiness within ourselves & not have the "burden" of caring for our spouses despite their disrepectful behavior. 
My husband & I are still seperated ( since April) & I was unsure what would happen or how I would feel about it. But once I was out or situation - I was able to step back & look more clearly at the whole picture. I would say I am pretty much at about 90% ready for divorce but still having a hard time making that next step & making it final. I worry if I may be making the wrong decision . . . but yet think I know the answer. 

Sounds like you are taking steps to protect yourself & that is GREAT! I am happy that you were able to speak to your wife about this situation & get things out in the open. I am amazed that she is so willing to just leave the kids - no house, no kids - just get out. Maybe that'll work to your advantage - that she will be more willing to negotiate to make it go smoothly & quickly? 
I know it is alot emotionally to deal with right now & things will get easier. The good thing this is not a total surprise to you, that you knew things weren't so good & you were doing your best to hold your marriage together & bending over backward with no appreciation. I think both of us knew, as much as we hated to admit it, that eventually we might end up in our current positons. 

Let's make the best of a not so good situation. Venting on this forum definitely helps sort through feelings & get others perspectives. Hang in there & keep me posted on your situation. I will be happy give support whenever needed.

so much for my "brief" post. good nite


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## Cooper

Cooper here,

This has been the most emotionally wrenching week of my life. One minute I accept that my marriage is over and believe it's for the best and the next minute I feel like a failure and I have screwed up all our lives. I know this isn't all my fault but I have always been the person that makes things right and I just can't fix this. The end of our marriage will affect many people I love and I feel responsible for their pain. 

I spoke with an attorney at the beginning of the week and sat down with my wife that evening to start working out the details. As we talked it really hit me that this is the end of a 20 year marriage. She told me she has been unhappy for the most part of the last 15 years! She told me I am a great father and provider but not a "fun husband". And I suppose she's right, I have carried so much for so long that my brain has become wired for "task objective only" and it's become hard for me to just enjoy the moment. My wife is just the opposite, she will never pass up a chance to have a good time. Sometimes I wish I was that way.

There really isn't much left for me to say. I am not sure I will be posting here again. I appreciate all that have offered help, especially you Believer. I think you and I are very much alike. Always doing for others and putting our needs and wants on the back burner only to be forgotten. Please post and let me know how things are going for you. I hope that some day we both find a chance to sit back and catch our breath and enjoy the happiness we deserve. 

Cooper


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## voivod

you all believe as i do, it sounds...happiness does not equate to "moving on" with your life...so when someone tells you to "work on yourself" or to "move on" it feels counter-intuitive...something doesn't feel right about doing that... so why do it? why not fight for what you always believed your life was suposed to be with your spouse when you married??? i'll tell you now from experience it will make you tired, physcally, emotionally, but if you succeed...it wil all be worth it. 

with every bit of energy you have fight for what you committed to, fight for what is right. let me tell you my story (if you don't know it already). my wife is a fighter...so am i...i never gave up on $#!t in my life, and my bethie fought through an unbelievably painful childhood...i had nothing, WE had nothing...i went from a dime a dozen radio dj to the top paid guy in my market...thanks to the fighting spirit...so i was lucky to have the fighting spirit times two on my side when i had my STROKE...my wife would not allow me to think about giving up...she LIED to me about the doctors' grave prognosis...she did NOT tell me they didn't expect me to live, or walk, or talk...i'm doing it ALL today, because we're fighters...so i believe she understands when i don't give up on our marriage when she almost did... she might've given up if i had taken even one day off honoring her, being sober, being a model father for my kids...this is why i believe she has not filed for divorce after a "that's it, i'm done" moment 4 months ago...i believe she is prepared and is well able to "pull the trigger" if i screw up even ON MORE TIME...so guess what? i never quit fighting!!! beth didn't quit on me when i was dying...she wouldn't let me quit on myself when coming back, rehabbing, getting the use of my left side was so dammned difficult...that's why my 16 year old daughter cried tears of joy with me when she felt me move my fingers in march...because we're fighters...she understand and gives me that credit...that's why, today, we can sit down, enjoy a bsu football game together, laugh, smile, look in each others' eyes and feel something...i don't know what she feels, but dammit she knows i'm fighting for what i believe our marriage was meant to be...

why the long vent??? because i want to sit here at this keyboard and have you understand that life ain't fair...FEELING DESTROYED, COOPER...you are getting screwed and you know it (COOPER because you're working on it, right?), and your spouse knows you know it. so fight...fight fair and show your spouse you are willing to fight the good fight for what you believe you signed up for when you got married...


cooper, this post probably has a bit of a different meaning for you.
i hope you gain strength for this post...strength is what you need...pray for it, okay?


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## "joe"

after reading another thread here, i have questions about this.
i live in NY and my domicile is in a different county from my wife's. the end came by my wife's deceit and infidelity. i filed first. before i filed, my lawyer checked to see if she had filed, and as of that date she had not. i believe this give me venue. i have not served.

can anyone comment on this situation?


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## VeryHurt

"joe" said:


> after reading another thread here, i have questions about this.
> i live in NY and my domicile is in a different county from my wife's. the end came by my wife's deceit and infidelity. i filed first. before i filed, my lawyer checked to see if she had filed, and as of that date she had not. i believe this give me venue. i have not served.
> 
> can anyone comment on this situation?


In NJ it does not matter who files first.


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## "joe"

VeryHurt said:


> In NJ it does not matter who files first.


right, that's what i picked up from your posts, i wondered if it was different state to state.

hope you're coping, VH.


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## PBear

The last post before today's miraculous resurrection was in 2008... I think it must be a zombie record!

C


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## PBear

That's ok! . I really hope cooper is in a better place too!

C


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## Sanity

GAsoccerman said:


> I had a co-worker whose wife Drained their bank account, then opened one up with her mother and put the money in there, she then filed for divorce, at that moment that money was frozen in the "mutual account" but not the mother daughter one, he could not touch that money, so he lost out on about 10,000 I believe.
> 
> It was a ugly divorce, anything that is mutual gets split up 50/50 be aware of any drop in account $$ or new secret aco****s by the wife.
> 
> Some are civil, some are not.



His attorney was an imbecile, lazy or both. That was a fraudulent transfer and if his attorney would have done his job properly would have requested all bank records in the discovery process and found that his wife moved the money without his consent and should be held liable for it and return the money or at least your friends portion what he is entitled to under your state laws. Wow.


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