# The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't think I've ever seen this subject brought up here, or in any of the other infidelity support forums. 

My observation is this: There appears to be a huge disparity between the way betrayed husbands describe their wayward wives, and the way betrayed wives describe their wayward husbands. 

This is what I mean: The vast majority of the time, when a betrayed husband first posts in this forum, he describes his cheating wife in a very complimentary way. The BH usually describes the WW as very sexy, incredibly beautiful, a great mother, etc, etc, and how he's still madly in love with her. So does that mean that the only women who cheat are the hot ones?

On the other hand, when a betrayed wife first posts in the forum, she more often than not, describes her wayward husband like it is. The BW is usually not likely to describe her WH in glowing terms. I don't think I've seen a BW describe her husband as a very handsome man, a sexy man, a great father, etc. If someone has, I must have missed it.

It's interesting that there's such a disparity here.

Forgot to add: The question applies to your STBXW/STBXH or Ex if you have one or on the road to D.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK so I can't answer, since my WH is not my STBXH or XH. Darn, because I think he's incredibly sexy.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I read a book on this, by a woman private investigator from Austrailia, specializing in infidelity. She did not break this down among gender lies, however. But, this is paraphasing what she said:

As part of her initial investigation, she would ask the suspecting spouse to describe his or her mate. Invariably, the suspected cheater was described as bing very physically attractive
Then she would either get a phot or eyeball the suspect whule surveilling. She would be shocked at the discrepancy between the suspect's actual appearance and the glowing terms his spouse had described. Many times the suspect was quite ugly or, at best, average.

She theorized that a betrayed spouse's perceptions are often skewed because of the trauma and the dpeletion of self esteem associated with being betrayed, such that the cheater is elevated in his or her eyes.Also, the cheater is being pursued by two people, the affair partner and the spouse, so the spouse feels the guy or gal must be nore attractive than the betrayed.
I know , in my situation, initially, I would tell folks how good looking my cheating wife is. I am not sure if they were just being nice, but most folks claimed they felt Iwas better looking. I did not see this, though.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Arnold said:


> I read a book on this, by a woman private investigator from Austrailia, specializing in infidelity. She did not break this down among gender lies, however. But, this is paraphasing what she said:
> 
> As part of her initial investigation, she would ask the suspecting spouse to describe his or her mate. Invariably, the suspected cheater was described as bing very physically attractive
> Then she would either get a phot or eyeball the suspect whule surveilling. She would be shocked at the discrepancy between the suspect's actual appearance and the glowing terms his spouse had described. Many times the suspect was quite ugly or, at best, average.
> ...


I would just say that you don't generally consider the person you're in love with average or ugly. So I don't think much can be gained from her research.

As for the diffence between Men and women's reaction. I think a couple of things are at play. Men generally put their woman up on a pedestal. When they're hit with knowledge that their wife was blowing a guy in the walmart parking lot they get conflicted between this and the vision they've had
of them. Women are told early that men are out for one thing, thing with their small head, etc. When a man actually thinks with his small head it's easier togo back to that teaching.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Kobo said:


> I would just say that you don't generally consider the person you're in love with average or ugly. So I don't think much can be gained from her research.
> 
> As for the diffence between Men and women's reaction. I think a couple of things are at play. Men generally put their woman up on a pedestal. When they're hit with knowledge that their wife was blowing a guy in the walmart parking lot they get conflicted between this and the vision they've had
> of them. Women are told early that men are out for one thing, thing with their small head, etc. When a man actually thinks with his small head it's easier togo back to that teaching.


That cultural saw may make it easier for a man to cheat because he thinks that is the way he is supposed to behave; my H told me that he thought of Tony Soprano and his having mistresses, and that made him feel better about cheating on me. I don't think that most women believe their H would ever behave that way. I know that I didn't. I think they generally put their husbands on a pedestal too; maybe more than men do. Women are far more personality oriented than men are. That's why you see so many foxy women with short, fat, bald etc., men who aren't rolling in dough. Men tend to go for looks, sometimes to the exclusion of character or personality . Women tend to regard their H's as their best friends; and best friends don't betray you. I would have bet my life on my H's fidelity, It took a long time for it to sink in; and when it did I realized that he had put our marriage on the line for a roll in the hay with someone young enough to be his daughter. I knew that an A would not have been possible with someone who was the same age as his wife, and it destroyed my respect for him. I didn't think that my H was that f***ing shallow; and it's not that I am unattractive either. Needless to say, I don't regard him as my best friend anymore. He doesn't seem to think that what he got from her, was worth what he threw away. If anything his says can be believed anymore.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I voted "average" Now, there was a time where I would have said that my H was the sexiest beast out there. Today, I don't see him with the same eyes I used to see him. Today, he is simply average. He's not an ugly person looks-wise (he is however, very ugly, in his actions). I also think a person's attraction level is very dependent on the type of person they are. I was initially attracted to my exH in the beginning because he was so charming. In the beginning, he made me feel so special. Unfortunately, that was all a lie. In reality, he was (and is) a very ugly person on the inside. He's a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and an abuser. I am now seeing a new guy. At first, I was not the least bit attracted to this guy. He is not what I am typically attracted to in the looks department, but we've developed a friendship over the past few months, and he has a fantastic personality. He makes me laugh and he is so easy to talk to. Since getting to know him on a personal level, I have found myself becoming attracted to him and I am now finding him "cute" where I didn't before.
Even though a person's level of attractiveness depends a lot on their personality, we can often over-look their flaws because we are so attracted to them. There was a time when I wanted my H so bad, that I let him sh*t on me over and over again. I refused to believe that he could actually be so evil, and I at one time even reasoned with myself that he must be possessed by a demon. We make excuses for their behavior because we no longer recognize them, and surely something must be wrong with them. There has to be some explanation for what they did other than them being scheming butt-weasels.
And, what did I lack that my ex was more drawn to other women than to me? I am most definitely more attractive than the women he was cheating on me with. But, did I fail him somewhere where his level of attraction for me was lost? I'll probably never know what drove him to cheat, time and time again.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> That cultural saw may make it easier for a man to cheat because he thinks that is the way he is supposed to behave; my H told me that he thought of Tony Soprano and his having mistresses, and that made him feel better about cheating on me. I don't think that most women believe their H would ever behave that way. I know that I didn't. I think they generally put their husbands on a pedestal too; maybe more than men do. Women are far more personality oriented than men are. That's why you see so many foxy women with short, fat, bald etc., men who aren't rolling in dough. Men tend to go for looks, sometimes to the exclusion of character or personality . Women tend to regard their H's as their best friends; and best friends don't betray you. I would have bet my life on my H's fidelity, It took a long time for it to sink in; and when it did I realized that he had put our marriage on the line for a roll in the hay with someone young enough to be his daughter. I knew that an A would not have been possible with someone who was the same age as his wife, and it destroyed my respect for him. I didn't think that my H was that f***ing shallow; and it's not that I am unattractive either. Needless to say, I don't regard him as my best friend anymore. He doesn't seem to think that what he got from her, was worth what he threw away. If anything his says can be believed anymore.


If this was entirely true, then men would be cheating more than women. I think it is pretty well established that women cheat as much, if not more than men.
As for women with bald , fat guy's, most of those guys have fat wallets.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think my hubby is sexy, when in reality, he a bit on the "dorky" side. Okay a lot. LoL honestly, I don't think his prospects of being unfaithful are likely, unless he develops a friendship, like he did with me. He makes less money than I do, and while not fat or bald, he is short (5'6") and thin (118 lbs). And the longer I know him, the less personable he seems... I don't mean that as an insult, but it just goes to show you can't lump all men with men and women with women. Each person is different. Anyhow, back to the topic at hand, neither of us has been physically unfaithful to the other, that I know of, so I can't address anything from that viewpoint. In past relationships I didn't have much time to observe the unfaithful ones "before" and "after" appearances, as they were out the door fairly immediately...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My ex has aged alot or I am seeing him for the first time. I don't know. Some people have said he looks like a frog.

It was never his looks, it was his huge charm and personality and intelligence.

But that, also, hid some very major shortcomings: disloyalty and the inability to communicate. Fight or flight? He was flight and told me so. He runs away from challenges.

It really is too bad because we had loved each other very much but he had a big inferiority complex that I wasn't aware of. It wouldn't have mattered I would have worked with him but he couldn't handle my strength of character. He said I emasculated him (when I removed my attention and focused on myself for a change). I had adored him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Time to bump this up. We've been having an influx of people who describe their WS as stunningly beautiful, etc.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Sparkles422 said:


> My ex has aged alot or I am seeing him for the first time. I don't know. Some people have said he looks like a frog.
> 
> It was never his looks, it was his huge charm and personality and intelligence.
> 
> ...


lol...my ex has been described as "frog like" too.

I think he is pretty good looking...maybe frogs are my type.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

With the exception of one wayward husband who could universally be described as very attractive, most of my friends' spouses who cheated are all average looking. None of them would turn heads. They're not ugly but at best they're a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1-10. But as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

UH Oh. Then you havent read my posts. My H is very attractive. I have commented a few times that perhaps I should have married an unattractive ogre-maybe he'd have been more faithful. He is the epitomy of tall, dark and handsome. With a sexy crooked smile and big deep voice. Very hot.

However, I suppose I should have read the note at the bottom that said this question applies to stbxh's. We are R'ing. Oh well.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> OK so I can't answer, since my WH is not my STBXH or XH. Darn, because I think he's incredibly sexy.


Same here! :smthumbup:


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

STBXH was very attractive to me, that is until he revealed the cheater/liar/disloyal person he is now.

Looking at pics from DS's wedding last fall, everyone has remarked how good I look compared to the mess H has become. It's obvious TW can't put clothes together as evidenced by the crappy looking ensemble he wore that day, wrinkles and all.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Yeah, my H is very good looking too. Heck, we booked modelling gigs together in our 20's so I know the man's not average.

However, if we're going by sex rank and all that jazz, he's gained weight over the years and has got quite the beer gut. His skin is damaged from the sun and his teeth are yellowing.

But I've maintained the same weight and size and I take care of my appearance. Sunscreen everyday. Teeth whitened, etc.

Following D-day, my oldest daughter had a bit of a freak-out and said she couldn't believe Daddy cheated on me with some ugly woman because not only am i better looking than her but I'm better looking than him. That's my girl.

But I don't think people cheat because of the way the AP looks though. They cheat because of the way the AP makes them feel.

However, I'd be lying if I'm not angry that his skank was a bit of a dog. :lol:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Zanna said:


> Yeah, my H is very good looking too. Heck, we booked modelling gigs together in our 20's so I know the man's not average.
> 
> However, if we're going by sex rank and all that jazz, he's gained weight over the years and has got quite the beer gut. His skin is damaged from the sun and his teeth are yellowing.
> 
> ...


I agree. I am better looking than my H's AP too. I told him to pick HER was insulting. Hell, at least make her worth it. And he could do soooo much better-and did(me). So why her? B/c she was there and blew in his ear just right. Stroked that God for saken EGO just right....But I digress.


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## HerHusband (Jan 31, 2012)

My wife is very beautiful and attractive, she also looks much younger than she is, she is mid 30's but looks way early in her 20's, more than once people have asked me if she is my daughter or sister, I'm aware that she is the good looking one in our relationship but if you ask me when I was her AP's age I was a much better looking guy and still think I am.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The longer I know a woman, the more attractive they seem to me. So long as they are personable.

My wife, however, is and always will be, utterly gorgeous.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> So does that mean that the only women who cheat are the hot ones?


I think it's fair to assume that the hotter women are usually
the ones who get approached and hit on more so than the 
the ugly ones.

Right off the bat, the numbers get skewed towards that very idea. 
The pool is dwindled down to a bunch of hot women and maybe roughly what?... 
2 out of 10 aren't "hot" at the most?

Why bother hitting on an ugly person?

I suppose, that's what light switches are for.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I think it's fair to assume that the hotter women are usually
> the ones who get approached and hit on more so than the
> the ugly ones.
> 
> ...


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

A co-worker was telling me how the children of another co-worker spoke to her and said their father was: "the handsomest man in the whole world." 

He wasn't plain, he was positively ugly. But not to those who were important to him.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I agree. I am better looking than my H's AP too. I told him to pick HER was insulting. Hell, at least make her worth it. And he could do soooo much better-and did(me). So why her? B/c she was there and blew in his ear just right. Stroked that God for saken EGO just right....But I digress.


:lol: I said the same thing. Something along the lines of if you were going to cheat, could she have at least been attractive because it's down right insulting to me that you cheated with some stringy haired homely looking woman with one nipple for crying out loud. He replied, "Would you have felt better if it was Cindy Crawford!" I said, "Why yes, I would because then I could have at least understood!" 

The conversations one has in the wake of infidelity...

He said OW was "attractive enough" and he felt bad about himself and she made him feel attractive and wanted again. But of course, because she was DESPERATE. Although, now he says it's embarrassing because he realizes how emotionally unattractive she was as well...

Anyway, he also pointed out that some gorgeous woman who really had herself together and was smart and emotionally healthy would not cheat with a married man so the chances of doing better than his nasty skank were slim to none.

Oh, I feel so much better now, Honey.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Zanna said:


> :lol: I said the same thing. Something along the lines of if you were going to cheat, could she have at least been attractive because it's down right insulting to me that you cheated with some stringy haired homely looking woman with one nipple for crying out loud. He replied, "Would you have felt better if it was Cindy Crawford!" I said, "Why yes, I would because then I could have at least understood!"
> 
> The conversations one has in the wake of infidelity...
> 
> ...


My H said some stunningly stupid things in the week or so following dday. And even during his EA when I was suspicious-he would say 'bad' things about her to throw me off, Like I'm that stupid. I knew exactly what he was doing. And it wasnt what he was saying about her it was that he was speaking of her *incessantly*
*Oh where oh where is the duct tape when we need it?????*:rofl:


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> A co-worker was telling me how the children of another co-worker spoke to her and said their father was: "the handsomest man in the whole world."
> 
> He wasn't plain, he was positively ugly. But not to those who were important to him.


I know.

I'm just sayin'... most won't pick someone whom they deem unattractive to cheat with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I think my hubby is sexy, when in reality, he a bit on the "dorky" side. Okay a lot. LoL honestly, I don't think his prospects of being unfaithful are likely, unless he develops a friendship, like he did with me. He makes less money than I do, and while not fat or bald, he is short (5'6") and thin (118 lbs). And the longer I know him, the less personable he seems... I don't mean that as an insult, but it just goes to show you can't lump all men with men and women with women. Each person is different. Anyhow, back to the topic at hand, neither of us has been physically unfaithful to the other, that I know of, so I can't address anything from that viewpoint. In past relationships I didn't have much time to observe the unfaithful ones "before" and "after" appearances, as they were out the door fairly immediately...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the photo you posted of your husband, he is extremely good looking.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

My wife is ****ing hot.. Makes life miserable.. especially right now..
So far the R is going well.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I know.
> 
> I'm just sayin'... most won't pick someone whom they deem unattractive to cheat with.



But I think it's what they find "attractive" that is so shocking.

I always assumed the OW/OM would be some sex goddess. Some perfect creature that lured the wayward spouse away from the BS.

Although, I was surprised to read that most of the time, the AP is physically less attractive simply because in the pool of those who choose to get involved with married people, well they're usually the emotionally immature, the desperate, the ones with low self-esteem and personality disorders. 

I guess it makes sense. Why would an emotionally healthy person be with someone who puts them in the side-piece category? Why would they settle for someone who is already taken or who is clearly a liar and a cheat? I can't imagine a mature, gorgeous, smart and successful person wanting or needing to settle for that drama.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I know.
> 
> I'm just sayin'... most won't pick someone whom they deem unattractive to cheat with.


Ummm... my AP was nowhere near as attractive as my wife. Nowhere near.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

In most cases, IMO, people marry others that are roughly in the same range, physical attractiveness-wise,
So, if your spouse is good looking, odds are you are, too.
Too much emphasis on good looks in our culture, IMO(easy for me to say, as a veritable Greek God)((No NPD there, eh?)).


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## fromblisstothis (May 17, 2012)

My stbx is skinny, bald and 14 years older than I am – and I thought he was the sexiest man in the world. I fared well in the looks gene pool (so I’ve been told). My self esteem is taking an extreme sh!t kicking since he left.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The dude my wife picked to cheat with was looking disturbingly like me. Guess I'm really her type then


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

snap said:


> The dude my wife picked to cheat with was looking disturbingly like me. Guess I'm really her type then


Yeah, except you have integrity and empathy.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Ummm... my AP was nowhere near as attractive as my wife. Nowhere near.


Step up your game! 

(kidding of course)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Step up your game!
> 
> (kidding of course)


:nono: :rofl:


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I read this stuff about the guys married to these attractive knock outs (believe me, my old lady ain't no slouch) and the crap they put up with. I would put up with their sh** for any two of them. When you're been around as long as I've been you realize its how they treat you and they all have the same plumbing. And some of the best working system are not always in the most attractive houses. Some of you boys drive yourselves crazy and are freezing to death trying to keep up a mansion when you'd be a lot happier in a warm and cozy cabin.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I read this stuff about the guys married to these attractive knock outs (believe me, my old lady ain't no slouch) and the crap they put up with. I would put up with their sh** for any two of them. When you're been around as long as I've been you realize its how they treat you and they all have the same plumbing. And some of the best working system are not always in the most attractive houses. Some of you boys drive yourselves crazy and are freezing to death trying to keep up a mansion when you'd be a lot happier in a warm and cozy cabin.


I agree. A lot of NPD types devote incredible energy etc to their appearance, men and women.


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