# Did anyone bother writing a goodbye letter?



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Hi, just having a thought. Did you write a letter or email to your ex saying goodbye and all that? Or is best left in case it feeds the perpetrators ego?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Silence is golden.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Hi, just having a thought. Did you write a letter or email to your ex saying goodbye and all that? Or is best left in case it feeds the perpetrators ego?


In many cases they don't really read to think about what you said. All they think about is your still thinking about them. 

I have written several over the last couple years but I have never sent them. I used to tell myself I wouldn't send it till it was perfect, then I would find some other excuse to not send it. Writing them out helped me at the time but basically your writing it to yourself.

So write the letter, shove it in a drawer and in a few months reread it. Your perspectives will have changed and you will be glad you didn't send it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Definitely not. Nothing you say to a cheater makes a difference because they are in their own little fantasy world. 

Some people do write letters and don't send them. And some do send letters but don't get an acknowledgment (not surprisingly). 

The less said to a cheater, the better. No letters.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Silence is golden.


^ This. If your ex is an ex then pretty much everything that needs to be said already has.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Wrote one years ago with no intention of sending and put it away. Came across it a few years later and thought... who is this person,lol. Time and distance changes so much. Don't linger long.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With regard to my first W, there were no letters except her unexpected filing for D from her snide, "board certified" family attorney! With her, there were no "love letters!" Only personal volatile appearances and kamikaze filings on her part!

Now as for my RSXW, she was quite prolific about her dispatched emails, but always carefully worded those communications in such a manner, so as not to try to get her $hit in a crack!"

But she tried to play the victim's role rather well, but made no mention that she had been rather busy humping two of her rich old boyfriends from her past, who must have either been "little on brain, but big on schlong" or "small on schlong, but big on brain," for some two years prior to her actual inception of her request for me to move out of the family home quickly followed up by her timely divorce filing against me!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I have written a few but never sent them. Samurai Jack has a whole thread about his and so do I. Writing a letter is very therapuetic. It allows you to unload the angst and hurt. Putting it to paper forces you to think it through. Often times in trying to think it through, you realize that parts are missing or somethings don't make sense. So you go back through it again and again trying to square the corners. Usually this exercise leads you to some understanding of your part in the demise (even if you were cheated on - you had invited this person into your life). At his point, if you can be honest with yourself, your focus should move from writing a letter to your ex to writing a letter to yourself. 
A letter to yourself, from your future self is another great exercise and is really an advancement from a letter to your ex. Here you are telling yourself everything will be okay and you can forgive yourself for how YOU have let yourself down and vow to become a better person.
You will go thru much of the same mental anguish and inner turmoil as writing to your ex, but will experience so much greater satisfaction and growth as a result. 
In the end, all you can do accept what ever your ex did. You cannot change it. They may or may not feel how you care or what you think about what they have done. But that will be up to them to figure out. The fact is they lived in close contact with you and had all the evidence they probably required to make what ever decision they made based on that. A three or four or ten page letter after the fact probably won't have any affect at all. Or if you are just writing to vent and rant, no chance in hell of having any affect.
OTOH, you can change how you feel about it. It is difficult in the beginning to recognize it, but it can and will make you a better person. But you have to be willing to learn the lessons and grow from the pain. Write your self a letter. Put it away. Read it in a few weeks or months. Use it to gauge your growth and then write yourself another one, and then another one. and then another! Focus on what you can control and stop wasting energy on what you can't.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I have written a few but never sent them. Samurai Jack has a whole thread about his and so do I. Writing a letter is very therapuetic. It allows you to unload the angst and hurt. Putting it to paper forces you to think it through. Often times in trying to think it through, you realize that parts are missing or somethings don't make sense. So you go back through it again and again trying to square the corners. Usually this exercise leads you to some understanding of your part in the demise (even if you were cheated on - you had invited this person into your life). At his point, if you can be honest with yourself, your focus should move from writing a letter to your ex to writing a letter to yourself.
> A letter to yourself, from your future self is another great exercise and is really an advancement from a letter to your ex. Here you are telling yourself everything will be okay and you can forgive yourself for how YOU have let yourself down and vow to become a better person.
> You will go thru much of the same mental anguish and inner turmoil as writing to your ex, but will experience so much greater satisfaction and growth as a result.
> In the end, all you can do accept what ever your ex did. You cannot change it. They may or may not feel how you care or what you think about what they have done. But that will be up to them to figure out. The fact is they lived in close contact with you and had all the evidence they probably required to make what ever decision they made based on that. A three or four or ten page letter after the fact probably won't have any affect at all. Or if you are just writing to vent and rant, no chance in hell of having any affect.
> OTOH, you can change how you feel about it. It is difficult in the beginning to recognize it, but it can and will make you a better person. But you have to be willing to learn the lessons and grow from the pain. Write your self a letter. Put it away. Read it in a few weeks or months. Use it to gauge your growth and then write yourself another one, and then another one. and then another! Focus on what you can control and stop wasting energy on what you can't.


This is very helpful, thank you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Threeblessings said:


> This is very helpful, thank you.


That is what this place (should be) is about. Learn from others. There have been many who have walked the paths that we find ourselves on. Benefit from their experiences.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I kept a journal for myself and even wrote a couple letters in it to her that I never sent. I periodically read it if I ever have second thoughts about my choice to divorce her, and it reaffirms my actions. The only goodbye/love letter I know of was the one my XWW wrote to the OM after he dumped my XWW (to save his own marriage), but I don't think she ever sent it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I strongly believe in writing a letter, but for yourself, then tying it to a balloon and letting it fly away.

Or, in my case, I burned it in a bonfire.

Nothing says more than just carrying on with your life.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I wrote a letter and posted it here. Im glad I didn't send it. When I was writing it I thought she would understand my feelings or where I was coming from. 
I was hoping to get some kind of remorse. I realize now that was a mistake and it would not have happened that way.

She either would not read it, share it with others, or laugh.

A few years back we were having a hard time and I wrote her a heartfelt 3 page email. I told her how much I loved her and owned my mistakes. She took that email and shared it with her friends. I was beyond hurt.

So don't do it. Just don't do it. I know when the emotions are raw you think you can reason and spill your feelings but its only one sided.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I did, but then I burned it.


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## Butterfly6118 (Nov 24, 2015)

I did. My husband has left 4 times now. The first 3 times I would message him with a letter like that and say how he hurt me how I hurt him etc. They were a few pages long. He never cared. I don't think he ever even really read them. He would answer but his answers would be so far off you could tell he never really read it. This time I wrote it down and not on a computer as it would be so easy to send it. And I ripped it up. 
This time I have gone with no contact with him. This is the fourth time and it's always the same thing so clearly a letter would just be repetitive and proves he doesn't care.
He also loves to get me riled up and pissed and emotional so he can turn it around and make me look crazy and justify all the **** he's done. Not this time. I am sure after 2 months now he might be wondering why he's never gotten one. But this time I am 110%finished with him.
What I did do was write down all the ways he hurt me , all the **** he put me through and all the things that just pissed me off or annoyed me about him. That I keep in my journal. And if I ever get weak and miss him I just read it and it reassures me that I made the right choice. Plus it's over 100 things now so I guess that's not good for him. 
I am glad I have not expressed my feels and emotions to him this time. I am actually very proud of myself . I hope he notices . But he's such a selfish ******* odds are he doesn't. 
I just sit back and wait for the karma traim to catch up with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Karma train is awesome. My ex got in a car wreck about a month after we divorced. I did not call or check on her at all. Cold? Yes

But I wanted to show how much I did not care.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Thank you, everyone. Your responses reminded me about all the letters I sent (when we were together) to the STBX in the past when he broke my heart. Sometimes I would send a link to a YouTube song and a letter hoping to see some sort of remorse after reading and listening. He never replied to either and there was no remorse for the betrayal. I'm nothing but a former shell of myself and I think after so many failed attempts one last letter saying a few truthful things would not cause him to reflect or be sorry for the POS he is. 

Happy Christmas x


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I don't even write letters to people I like.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Karma train is awesome. My ex got in a car wreck about a month after we divorced. I did not call or check on her at all. Cold? Yes
> 
> But I wanted to show how much I did not care.


My crazy ex got into a car accident around 2 months after she left, she rear ended the OM of all people. I sent her a text hoping that mr. Perfect wasn't hurt and reminding her that via our temp order legally I couldn't held responsible for any financial ramifications of her accident. She had forgotten to pay her car insurance.

She was not pleased apparently with my concern for him haha!


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