# Wife No Longer Loves Me, Is Living Single



## dallas_husband54 (Mar 6, 2014)

Okay, well let me say that the reason my marriage is in the predicament is because I failed to be a good husband. Through the first 7 years of our marriage I was always loving, affectionate, too nice? I would like to think that we were happy but I have to admit that she was the giver and I was the taker. She was always doing for me, she was always defending me, loving me and I like most husbands would simply take and not give (Of course I provided for).

I have a sexual addiction problem possibly caused by me being abused as a child. This has always caused me to have several sexual partners throughout my life. For several years, I was not faithful to my wife! I took her for granted and I took her love for granted. The last two or three years, I would still flirt, hide my phone and do stuff just not sexual stuff with other women. The tipping point is when my wife realized that I had an affair with a very close family member of hers. Now she is having a hard time forgiving me. I deserve this, I know!

When she found out, we cried and she told me that she still wanted to be with me. She loves me very and I love her! Out of guilt I started to focus more on her. Back in November she started to lose weight, change her appearance, buy new clothes...I was okay with this because I was supporting her in her self discovery and I wanted to "make-up" for all the stuff that I had done in the past. I began to change, I would be more of a giver and do stuff for her! As she began to make changes, she began to get more attention from men. I let it pass out of guilt and I allowed her to have friends and to go out (Big Mistake!). At first it was okay because despite her just hanging out with her friends I could tell that she still loved me!

But something happened, IDK where I lost her but she now tells me that she no longer loves me. That her feelings for me were gone a long time ago! Ive never said I was a great husband but I supported her in her changes and in in her new life and even her new friends. She even has another guy that she goes out with for drinks and dinner...she lies to me about where she is at and I don't know how to handle all of this. We have two young kids and they see us fight constantly. I wanted to make up for all the stuff that I had done and I allowed her to have friends, now she tells me that she no longer wants to be with me and wants to be separated. It wasn't until she started going out and acting single that she decided to leave me. I messed up big time guys/girls because I love this woman and Im acting really desperate in winning her back. I don't know what to do!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop being desparate, tell her what you want/need in the relationship, then enforce your boundaries. But you may have poisoned the relationship beyond repair with your earlier actions, so she was just sticking around till a better option came up. And now, apparently, it has. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Goose. Gander. End of story.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The reason your wife began her affair is probably because of yours. However, the cure is the same as any betrayed husbands. Run the 180. Don't allow her to have her cake and eat it too.

If she wanted to divorce you for your affair, she should have done it. Cheating on you, then wanting to be separated, so that she can live the life of a single gal while you are in limbo is a dishonorable course of action.

So, withdraw from her entirely. No more support. Just business. She might realize that she's losing her family and come back to you. She might not.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Pretty brave of you calling yourself out for being a selfish POS. Own it, you're an adult now, no one to blame now but you for it continuing. I don't know if you'll hang around to take all the 2x4s for what you've done. If you do you might learn a thing or two about being a man. That's the only chance you have. 

Follow PHTlump advice and the list he gave you. Get yourself some counseling for your bad behaviors and addictions. Get a plan together to get healthy and on the right path, and follow it. Stop worrying about her, you've got to fix you first before anything can happen with that, if ever. Remember your $hit is what got you here to begin with. Get your side of the street cleaned up first. 

BTW, with her relative? Gezze!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> The reason your wife began her affair is probably because of yours. However, the cure is the same as any betrayed husbands. Run the 180. Don't allow her to have her cake and eat it too.


Why not? He's been having HIS cake and eating it too.



> If she wanted to divorce you for your affair, she should have done it. Cheating on you, then wanting to be separated, so that she can live the life of a single gal while you are in limbo is a dishonorable course of action.


Does this really differ from what he's been doing? Or shall we pretend that HIS affairs were just for the sex and he really loved his wife all along, but HER affair was evil and intended to hurt him, so she must be punished.



> So, withdraw from her entirely. No more support. Just business. She might realize that she's losing her family and come back to you. She might not.
> 
> Good luck.
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


When did she have "her" family? Between his affairs?

No, I'm not trying to be nasty. I'm just trying to point out that we do NOT treat women the way we treat men. We do not own our wives.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Why not? He's been having HIS cake and eating it too.


Apparently his compulsion was pathological, a sort of misguided temporary psychological curative whilst hers is/could be purely vindictive. The former would be a lot harder to control and not motivated by hate, rather, self-hate.

Irrespective of the perceived imbalance in their respective infidelity pools, how do two wrongs make a right?



sidney2718 said:


> Does this really differ from what he's been doing? Or shall we pretend that HIS affairs were just for the sex and he really loved his wife all along, but HER affair was evil and intended to hurt him, so she must be punished.


Yep, possibly OR that she genuinely WANTED to forgive him but the trust deficit was simply too large to reconcile. Perhaps she doesn't want to 'admit defeat' for fear of inheriting the guilt that should rightfully be his. In either case, the least she could do is spare him the pain of pursuing a pipe dream. I think all he wants is some certainly even if it amounts to closure.



sidney2718 said:


> When did she have "her" family? Between his affairs?


The impression I got was that she ALWAYS had 'her' family, just not the 'ideal' family.



sidney2718 said:


> No, I'm not trying to be nasty. I'm just trying to point out that we do NOT treat women the way we treat men. We do not own our wives.


..and I'm not attempting to justify his actions, nor is he! He's fully aware of the degree to which he sabotaged his own marriage, unintentionally or otherwise. Personally, I'd write it off if it was me. I'd apologise sincerely, thank her 'trying' to make it work and agree to release her from her bonds with the mutual agreement that neither party would allow their personal feelings to corrupt their children, who may well end up being the one great thing that came from the whole sorry mess.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sidney2718 said:


> Why not? He's been having HIS cake and eating it too.


Yes, but a marriage isn't about two people acting equally petty.



> Does this really differ from what he's been doing? Or shall we pretend that HIS affairs were just for the sex and he really loved his wife all along, but HER affair was evil and intended to hurt him, so she must be punished.


Adultery is evil. And not tolerating adultery in a marriage isn't about punishment. It's about trying to preserve the marriage.



> When did she have "her" family? Between his affairs?


Cheating is, by definition, an evil, selfish act. So he can't lure his wife back to him and the kids by appealing to her altruistic nature. That's been overshadowed by her selfish motivations to live as a single gal. The most effective way of snapping her out of this fog is to take away something important to her. Just as the OP didn't get really serious about reforming himself until his wife busted him and he was at risk of losing his family.

When a spouse is in selfish mode, you have to deal with him accordingly.



> No, I'm not trying to be nasty. I'm just trying to point out that we do NOT treat women the way we treat men. We do not own our wives.


There was nothing in my post that was dependent on the sex of the cheater. If the sexes were reversed, my advice would remain the same. I fail to see any hint of ownership suggested in my post.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Dallas-

Your wife has experienced huge betrayal from you...multiple affairs, flirting, and perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back was the discovery of betrayal with a close friend...It seems it was at that point she chose to separate from you.

Your only recourse for your betrayal was to focus on her "out of guilt"???

It sounds like you have not done any work on dealing with your sexual addiction beyond naming it. I think your wife knows this. 

I think your wife's changes in her physical appearance and social activities was her way of regaining some sense of herself. Unfortunately for your marriage, you both chose to build up yourselves instead of choosing to build up your marriage.

Since you're the one here, I want to ask you:

Are you here to save your marriage or are you here to start the steps toward divorce?

If you want to save your marriage, you need to tell this to your wife. But you also need to have a plan in place on how you want to improve your marriage.

1) You need to get into a recovery program for your sexual addiction and deal with why you've chosen sex for your drug of choice.

2) You need to get into marriage counseling

3) BOTH of you need to have a firm boundary of having no "friends" of the opposite sex. This also means no contact with any previous flirts or sexual liaisons from the past.

What do you want to choose?


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

dallas_husband54 said:


> I lost her but she now tells me that she no longer loves me. I don't know what to do!!!


Stop being a door mate try the 180 it may work but as bad as you have been there is no way to know. Start being a good person, cheating and disrespecting your wife is what got you into this mess. 

The 180 is needed so you are perhaps can gain some of her respect for you again. It may or may not work. You can be very nice to her without giving up your dignity. You are in a high stakes situation so you better play this right or you will end up divorced and two unhappy kids.

Find a way to earn back her trust and respect, at this point she has neither for you. She may never get it back. But unless you follow some sound advise from other men and women on here you will likely end up with your kids every other week end.

You screwed up big time, no man up and try to fix this mess.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Sorry to be harsh but in all honesty I don't think you are going to win her back. For starters you state that you were not really all that great of a husband outside the affairs. Once the affairs were disclosed sounds like she decided she was done. 

I'm a former philanderer and the truth is we don't get to dictate if our wives stay or not. Its entirely up to them. My wife stayed, but I think reconciliation is doubtful for you because you chose to screw around with someone that was close to her. I would imagine that would hurt even more. Had you not crossed that boundary perhaps things would be different.

Regarding the whole sexual addiction thing I think a lot of men use it as an excuse. I'm not saying there aren't sexual addicts but I think its an over used explanation by the players of the world. Much better to own what you did then to claim an illness.


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## dallas_husband54 (Mar 6, 2014)

All of you guys are correct. I screwed up and I am getting what I deserve. To answer some of your questions, I am here because I want to save my marriage and not find a way out of it.

I guess is just hurts bad to find out the minute she finds something better she is willing to leave it all. I was such a horrible husband and the changes I have made are too little and way too late. She told me last night that she is willing to work out but she also told me she is not happy and she was very upset that I asked her to stop talking to her male friend. Lets just say he is more than a friend...


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## dallas_husband54 (Mar 6, 2014)

And I have been getting help, I have been going to counseling. However, sometimes the best teacher in the world are the consequences themselves. Now that I am suffering the consequences, I have no desire to have another affair in my life! Its just too late. 

I hate to see my wife so unhappy, so dissatisfied with me. No matter how good the sex, I have failed her in other areas. Now, she spends her time with a guy who isn't half of what I am but somehow that makes her happy?!?!?!?!?!?!

That just speaks volumes to just how unhappy I made her...Im so depressed right now but I know in the end I am getting what I deserve!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do the 180, divorce and let her go. Don't chase her. The more you chase the more she will run. Don't give her more ammo to paint you as the villain than you have already given her. You fvcked this marriage up. Learn from it and vow to yourself to get help for your problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Dallas, you'll get no judgment from me, I recognise the imperfections inherent in the human condition and I don't expect everyone to live up to an impossible ideal.

You messed up, okay, more than anything, it's good to see that you recognise that you're imperfect and more so for the fact that you didn't write yourself off, you tried to 'fix' your imperfections.

But, if you want my honest opinion, your marriage is over. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's not what society deems acceptable but society is f*cked up, why would you take its word?

As Obi-won would say, 'search your feelings'. Accept that you'll never be able to reconcile your marriage and move on to better things. You wife will find another wonderful man, you will find another wonderful woman and your kids (who are the most important outcome of all since they're the legacy you leave behind when you snuff it), will find some reassurance from stability.

Don't hate yourself, just be sure to never make the same mistake again.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

From your later posts, I wouldn't consider you a sex addict either...it seems to be just plain ol' narcissism.

I don't see (read) any desire to make amends and create a loving marriage...

..time for you and your wife to go your own ways...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MrAvg said:


> He is likely twice the man you are and yes that does make her happy.


If female happiness is the measure of quality for men, then teenage boys must be the highest quality men alive. Because teenage girls are swimming in dopamine from their crushes.



> For some reason once things calm down her boy friend out of the picture your itch to cheat will likely return.


Perhaps. I certainly wouldn't blame his wife if she didn't want to take that chance. But, I do think people can repent and change.



> Your excuse of abuse, spare me please. I was abused by a trusted man in out neighborhood at age 11-13 it did not change to into a sex addict. It is no excuse for your behavior. Just more rationalization from you for your behavior.


So, your one anecdote outweighs his? Curious. For what it's worth, the link between childhood abuse and adult sexual dysfunction is well established. No, it doesn't mean that 100% of childhood victims become pedophiles, or sex addicts. But it does increase the risk.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants out, then that is it: it's over.

It sounds like everything that could go wrong went wrong here. 

Work on yourself so you don't continue to make poor decisions in the future. You don't say which relative it was that you cheated on her with but I imagine that cuts way worse than had you cheated on her with a stranger (not that that lessens the pain) but the fact it was her own relative is very severe.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

dallas_husband54 said:


> Now, she spends her time with a guy who isn't half of what I am but somehow that makes her happy?!?!?!?!?!?!


He's less than half the man you are? I suppose that depends upon how a man is measured. If your wife measures a man by his honesty, trustworthiness and respectfulness, you clearly do not measure up.

Leave the ego at the door. It's not helping your situation.


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

From long painful experience, I can safely say IMO you are at that "point of no return" and now just going into the "tit for tat" phase in the end of a marriage.
I wish I had enough sense to end my dead end marriage before tit for tat went on so long as boy the carnage lasts for years and years as it's like a rolling long horrible train wreck that just gets worse and worse.
My advice is work on yourself to not make the same mistakes if you are lucky enough to find love after this divorce but don't keep each other in pain. Best of luck.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

dallas_husband54 said:


> That just speaks volumes to just how unhappy I made her...Im so depressed right now but I know in the end I am getting what I deserve!


No. You're not getting what you "deserve".

What you "deserve" is to be treated EXACTLY like you treated your wife for EXACTLY as long. You "deserve" to be in love with a woman--to be MARRIED to the woman you love, _even though she is having sex with MULTIPLE PEOPLE for YEARS_! You deserve to see her hide her cell phone when you come into a room...to watch her flirt outrageously with others, and to take it all in stride. You deserve to be the "giver" while SHE "takes", and you deserve to be the "giver" for YEARS. 

And THAT'S only the tip of the iceberg. Consider other ways you had taken her for granted throughout the years. THAT is what you "deserve". 



> Leave the ego at the door. It's not helping your situation.


Yes! You're ego is what got you into your situation in the first place. Unless you learn to control it, you'll keep spiraling downward. 

I agree that your marriage is over. The best you can do is to let her go...with love...

...and pray that you never fall in love with a woman who will treat YOU the way you've treated your wife!

Vega


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