# Loveless marriage.. Do I cheat?



## caracara (Nov 23, 2015)

My husband and I stopped saying I love you several years ago. Married 10 years, four young children, house full of happiness, but our love is gone. I can't say I love you anymore and neither can he. I have a healthy sexual appetite and he doesn't even try anymore. Looks sometimes matter so for sake of any rude possible comments, we're both still pretty young and very active. I try lingerie, no panties with dresses and workout like crazy.

He has an addiction to porn that he usually lies about, but sometimes admits it. He can't perform or even try to perform with me anymore. And when he does try to touch me it's as though he's doing it for sympathy since he already pleasured himself who knows how many times that day. We've had marriage counseling a few years ago. We've talked, fought and cried about the sex issue. But the very next day it remains the same. 

Now, I've been searching elsewhere for, I guess, attention. We get dolled up, we go out as a couple, I compliment him but I hear crickets. Lately I've been thinking about how I miss that spark so much. I miss the connection. It's not just the usual day to day, I'm used to that and I embrace life with kids. It's that the feelings are just completely gone between he and I. Should I cheat? Should I start going out and at least get some flirting done? Sometimes I feel like it might be worth it if I found someone that loved me and wanted me near them instead of just living with a great friend with no emotions. He may have never loved me, just chose me since I was a better option than his ex. I don't want to feel this way forever. Thoughts?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have you ask him about opening up the marriage and just living together like roommates until the children leave the nest? Or you can divorce. Separation may help motivate him if he does not act, he does not love you enough to change. Love causes motivation and well unless he faces actual consequences, he can just put off working on his own end.

Listen, cheating complicates things more than asking for an open marriage and divorce ebefore cheating can make the divorce easier as he may be less vindictive.

In your typical relationship, there is the honeymoon period that lasts up to a few years, some have great chemistry and can make it last a lifetime. Most work hard to bring that romantic love back. After that, what keeps us bonded to a certain extent is children. In this phase, the bond tends to last on its own for about five years. Most divorce occurs around the seven year and the 20 year period.

Perhaps, try divorcing amicably since it is obvious that he lacks romantic love for you. Perhaps, he no longer sees you as a sexual being. The whole Madonna/wh0re complex. Sometimes when afemale transitions into mother, they are seen as nonsexual beings.

It boils down to an open marriage, divorce if you want to take the higher road.

Btw, children need stability more than they need two parents living together. Environment is important. Not to mention, having two loving example as parents is beneficial as it is learned behavior Cheating and getting caught may cause a rift and you mat lose your children's love as they will most likely sympathize with theri father. You risk more than losing a partner, you risk your children's respect and love as well..


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## hurts more than i realise (Nov 20, 2015)

talk to him please do not cheat as there may be some other reason.

PORN is an issue. He may not think so but he is now possibly fixated on things he cant do with you and pleasuring himself which means he no longer looks at you in this way. Can you do them with him. What is his fantasy tell him ( as long as you are ok with it) you can try it together. Watch it together. Find out why he isnt coming near you.

If there is no one else then it has to be the porn or some other mental block. As you say you are still working hard on your appearance that he first fell in love with and couldnt keep his hands off.

Talk before you cheat as you may find out this was fixable and it seems that is what you desire. After you cheat regardless if you get a reaction from himit may all be too late.

If you cant get anything from him then tell him its time for a seperation and then you can both see how you feel.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

caracara said:


> My husband and I stopped saying I love you several years ago. Married 10 years, four young children, house full of happiness, but our love is gone. I can't say I love you anymore and neither can he. I have a healthy sexual appetite and he doesn't even try anymore. Looks sometimes matter so for sake of any rude possible comments, we're both still pretty young and very active. I try lingerie, no panties with dresses and workout like crazy.
> 
> He has an addiction to porn that he usually lies about, but sometimes admits it. He can't perform or even try to perform with me anymore. And when he does try to touch me it's as though he's doing it for sympathy since he already pleasured himself who knows how many times that day. We've had marriage counseling a few years ago. We've talked, fought and cried about the sex issue. But the very next day it remains the same.
> 
> Now, I've been searching elsewhere for, I guess, attention. We get dolled up, we go out as a couple, I compliment him but I hear crickets. Lately I've been thinking about how I miss that spark so much. I miss the connection. It's not just the usual day to day, I'm used to that and I embrace life with kids. It's that the feelings are just completely gone between he and I. Should I cheat? Should I start going out and at least get some flirting done? Sometimes I feel like it might be worth it if I found someone that loved me and wanted me near them instead of just living with a great friend with no emotions. He may have never loved me, just chose me since I was a better option than his ex. I don't want to feel this way forever. Thoughts?


I can understand you *wanting* to cheat. But you'll just wind up making more aggravation for yourself.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

caracara said:


> My husband and I stopped saying I love you several years ago. Married 10 years, four young children, house full of happiness, but our love is gone. I can't say I love you anymore and neither can he. I have a healthy sexual appetite and he doesn't even try anymore. Looks sometimes matter so for sake of any rude possible comments, we're both still pretty young and very active. I try lingerie, no panties with dresses and workout like crazy.
> 
> He has an addiction to porn that he usually lies about, but sometimes admits it. He can't perform or even try to perform with me anymore. And when he does try to touch me it's as though he's doing it for sympathy since he already pleasured himself who knows how many times that day. We've had marriage counseling a few years ago. We've talked, fought and cried about the sex issue. But the very next day it remains the same.
> 
> Now, I've been searching elsewhere for, I guess, attention. We get dolled up, we go out as a couple, I compliment him but I hear crickets. Lately I've been thinking about how I miss that spark so much. I miss the connection. It's not just the usual day to day, I'm used to that and I embrace life with kids. It's that the feelings are just completely gone between he and I. Should I cheat? Should I start going out and at least get some flirting done? Sometimes I feel like it might be worth it if I found someone that loved me and wanted me near them instead of just living with a great friend with no emotions. He may have never loved me, just chose me since I was a better option than his ex. I don't want to feel this way forever. Thoughts?


Not saying i love you, being emotionally rejected as well as physically isn't happiness. Yes, maybe he's a wonderful family man but he's not giving you what you need as your husband.

No, I wouldn't cheat. I would defintely explain how this needs to change or a separation period is in order. I wouldn't place your sexual needs and or what you need from your husband on the back burner. Do not search outside of the marriage for something you aren't getting. If you're looking elsewhere that's a good enough indicator it might be time to walk away.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Fix it or move on 

Do not cheat That solves nothing and you never will regain your honor

Is that what you want to teach your children ? Because one day they will know.

55


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Although you are yearning for male attention and are obviously not getting your needs met by you H cheating will only make matters more complicated.

The issue is probably the porn, your H is addicted and porn can have devastating effects on marriage. In fact recently Focus on the Family said that 2/3 of 350 lawyers at their meeting said that porn was a major cause of divorce. This is because a real live woman can no longer compete with the fantasy and the H becomes desensitised.

You must educate yourself on porn addiction and then ask your H to seek help. If he refuses, go see a lawyer and see what your options are, separation or divorce. You H needs to wake up to what he has done to you and the family. If he will not then it is better you move on.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

aine said:


> Although you are yearning for male attention and are obviously not getting your needs met by you H cheating will only make matters more complicated.
> 
> The issue is probably the porn, your H is addicted and porn can have devastating effects on marriage. In fact recently Focus on the Family said that 2/3 of 350 lawyers at their meeting said that porn was a major cause of divorce. This is because a real live woman can no longer compete with the fantasy and the H becomes desensitised.
> 
> You must educate yourself on porn addiction and then ask your H to seek help. If he refuses, go see a lawyer and see what your options are, separation or divorce. You H needs to wake up to what he has done to you and the family. If he will not then it is better you move on.


Husbands and wives owe each other 100% of their sexual energy

55


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## caracara (Nov 23, 2015)

You all are right. Cheating would lead to our kids finding out and whether it be now or later, that's terrible. The sad part is that hurting him isn't even a worry for me. 

To answer a few questions, I did try to bring porn into the bedroom as I don't mind watching it, but he was so uncomfortable. It was a combo of his addiction and real life. He couldn't handle it. I'm very open sexually and have done things we've discussed except for a threesome. He doesn't seem that interested in having one. I actually wouldn't mind as I'm attracted to women as well. But he doesn't really care. The reality of me is just non-sexual as one of you put it. I'm not that being anymore that he once desired. I'd absolutely hate to divorce over this. But it's just been too long. Simply buying a vibrator (sorry for the tmi) just won't work. I literally am getting tired of even pleasing myself. I'm over it and I need the real thing. It seemed crazy to me that I was a woman with this problem. But you stating the facts of recent porn problems shows I'm not alone.

I think I'll try counseling again. And bring up the possibility of an open marriage. I honestly didn't think of that so thank you. I believe that would ultimately lead to us finding love elsewhere and a divorce would follow. But I should at least take some sort of steps in that direction before I do something I'll regret. Thanks for the help guys.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

caracara said:


> You all are right. Cheating would lead to our kids finding out and whether it be now or later, that's terrible. The sad part is that hurting him isn't even a worry for me.
> 
> To answer a few questions, I did try to bring porn into the bedroom as I don't mind watching it, but he was so uncomfortable. It was a combo of his addiction and real life. He couldn't handle it. I'm very open sexually and have done things we've discussed except for a threesome. He doesn't seem that interested in having one. I actually wouldn't mind as I'm attracted to women as well. But he doesn't really care. The reality of me is just non-sexual as one of you put it. I'm not that being anymore that he once desired. I'd absolutely hate to divorce over this. But it's just been too long. Simply buying a vibrator (sorry for the tmi) just won't work. I literally am getting tired of even pleasing myself. I'm over it and I need the real thing. It seemed crazy to me that I was a woman with this problem. But you stating the facts of recent porn problems shows I'm not alone.
> 
> I think I'll try counseling again. And bring up the possibility of an open marriage. I honestly didn't think of that so thank you. I believe that would ultimately lead to us finding love elsewhere and a divorce would follow. But I should at least take some sort of steps in that direction before I do something I'll regret. Thanks for the help guys.


I really understand the pain you feel about not having the type of sex life you'd like. For what it's worth I think it's better to divorce than to have an open marriage. Do you really want someone else having sex with your husband? That would make me feel rotten. Plus, what kind of guy is going to have sex with a married woman? Then you have to worry if this guy is going to record what you're doing or maybe he has an STD or becomes obsessed with you. IDK, having sex with a stranger sounds like a fun fantasy but the reality is kind of gross. To me anyway.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Porn allows him to be selfish and worry about himself. He doesn't have to worry about pleasing another person. ....i think you should ask for an open marriage but know that you will connect with someone else, so you're really putting off the inevitable. 

He might too much it will be harder because he's likely stunted where pleasing another person is involved. 

These porn addictions are so sad, how lonely to lock yourself in a room with porn and be alone. Personal relationships are what make life worth living.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Heatherknows said:


> caracara said:
> 
> 
> > You all are right. Cheating would lead to our kids finding out and whether it be now or later, that's terrible. The sad part is that hurting him isn't even a worry for me.
> ...



An open marriage will just allow the OP to emotionally connect with another man, while finally getting her sexual needs met. For her to have his permission, would make her feel although she's not cheating and an easier way to eventually move forth with a divorce. If the result is going to be divorce, I think this is a sloppy way to find it.

I think this would also be highly confusing for the children as well. They will eventually catch onto mom or dad going on dates with others but still together. Im not sure what would feel harder to process and move forward from.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Men typically turn to porn when starved for sex. Believe it or not women do use sex as a weapon in marriages and withhold it.

Did you reject your husbands advances a lot when he wanted sex? That happens enough times and he'll just beat off and look at porn, what's the point of trying to have sex if 9 out of 10 times you're uninterested and when you do it's a pity fvck?

Or if sex is used as a form of manipulation or mind fvck he may just think self-pleasure and porn is better than dealing with the mind fvck that is trying to screw his own wife.

Basically a lot of guys deal with wives who use sex as a way to punish, praise, or manipulate rather then something that should be enjoyed and bring two people close. Give a real introspective look into whether you've engaged in this during your marriage. Most men don't just stop trying to bang their hot wife without a reason.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

New_Beginnings said:


> An open marriage will just allow the OP to emotionally connect with another man, while finally getting her sexual needs met. For her to have his permission, would make her feel although she's not cheating and an easier way to eventually move forth with a divorce. If the result is going to be divorce, I think this is a sloppy way to find it.
> 
> I think this would also be highly confusing for the children as well. They will eventually catch onto mom or dad going on dates with others but still together. Im not sure what would feel harder to process and move forward from.


That's why it would be better just to divorce.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

QUOTE]

That's why it would be better just to divorce.[/QUOTE]

Im with you 100% 

If he isn't taking her sexual needs being met seriously, I'd get a divorce. 

I might give it one more time with counseling and explaining the severity the lack of sex has caused. If he still doesn't hear me or make forth an effort, that's it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I would not fault you for cheating - but I think one of two things will likely happen:

1) it will be sort of degrading and you will feel unhappy, guilty, used and miserable afterwards. You will wish it had never happened.
or
2) It will be wonderful. You will realize just how much you have missed passion, missed being desired by someone else. It may go on a while but eventually you will wonder why you don't just divorce and get what you need all of the time.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

caracara said:


> My husband and I stopped saying I love you several years ago. Married 10 years, four young children, house full of happiness, but our love is gone. I can't say I love you anymore and neither can he.


That doesn't sound like a house full of happiness to me. 

If you think the children haven't picked up on this already then you may be underestimating them. 

It's not a good atmosphere to grow up in nor is it a good example to be setting them for marriage. How would you feel if in years time they are as miserable as you are now because that is what they expected of marriage?

I was in a similar sexless/affectionless marriage and once we were divorced I found out that my daughter (late teen) had been expecting the split from even further back than I saw it coming. What she sees now is a couple who are always hugging and kissing, and while she covers her eyes from time to time she's admitted that it's nice to see.

I have no experience of an open relationship but from everything I've read you have to have a really rock solid relationship at the start for it to work, and you don't.

You really need to give your H an ultimatum. He gets help for the porn or you're done, but you both need to recognize it as an addiction. 

You may need to learn how to filter your internet for safe surfing and then restrict his phone data. If he starts searching for it at work then being fired is a strong possibility. Watching it together won't help, that's a bit like taking an alcoholic to the bar so that they don't have to drink alone. There is plenty of information on the web if you Google porn addiction.

Once you've tried this you can leave knowing that you at least tried. If you find an affair in the meantime you won't have any desire to fix the marriage and you immediately become the bad one that broke up the marriage in everyone's eyes, including your children.


I think this is the first thread I've read on TAM where all the advice you've been given is good advice. 

I wish you luck.


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## troublesome (Nov 25, 2015)

Is it me or does it seem like DIVORCE gets thrown out like a trump card? Things aren't going well-DIVORCE. This is what's wrong with society. Marriage is hard, it sucks, its a blast and it's exhausting. One shouldn't want to give up so easily. Everyone who has been or is married at one point will think it. Porn; yes it's not healthy and gives unrealistic expectations of sex, however....you really think you're wired to ONLY be turned on by your significant other? No! We as men are wired differently. Men are visual and men are primitive. We see female, we want sex. Sorry it's the truth. Baser instinct. Now to really answer your question; seek help. Communicate with him that you're willing to spice it up to make things better or just flat out do it without saying anything. You don't have to bring porn into it but maybe (strong maybe) you should find out what he's into (generally; probably wouldn't want to know his deepest darkest fantasy) and act something out for him. As a man, I want sex every day. I'm 35 and have a good sex drive. Been married 8 years and would love to have sex every day with my wife. When that starts to go away, then I'll know something is going on with me and I'll seek help and communicate that with her. I don't have a perfect marriage by any means but seriously, talk, figure it out. It's just not the sex that's an issue. 

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk


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## CrazyX2 (Feb 26, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> That solves nothing and you never will regain your honor
> 
> 55


Your past actions don't stain you forever. You can act dishonorably and then turn yourself around and become an honorable person again. This isn't the Middle Ages. Sheesh.

He's already "cheating" in a way since he has replaced sex with his wife with porn. BUT don't cheat. It's not worth it. It will make everything more complicated. You will hate yourself for it and you will be blamed for the entire break-up of the marriage no matter how trashed it was before.

Give him two options. Either he gives up porn and you two see a marriage therapist, or you are filing for divorce and you will start dating other people. 

The kids will be fine (eventually). It is better to have divorced parents than to have two bitter, miserable parents.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well he's not going to go for an open marriage. Even though he doesn't sound like he has much self respect, he would be stupid to do so. 

I say go to him and tell him exactly what you have told us. Lay it all out there to him. What do you have to lose.

"Hey pal. I'm sick of you ignoring me, ignoring our marriage, just so you can sit by yourself in front of a computer and whack off all night. I'm not in love with you anymore, and I'm slowly losing any kind of love at all for you. I'm giving you one more opportunity to show me you give a crap about our marriage and our family. I'm setting up a counselor. Either you can go with me to marriage counseling or I go see a lawyer. What is it going to be?"


...or something to that effect.


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## hurts more than i realise (Nov 20, 2015)

New_Beginnings said:


> QUOTE]
> 
> That's why it would be better just to divorce.


Im with you 100% 

If he isn't taking her sexual needs being met seriously, I'd get a divorce. 

I might give it one more time with counseling and explaining the severity the lack of sex has caused. If he still doesn't hear me or make forth an effort, that's it.[/QUOTE]

its not just sex OP says its loveless. you need to find the root and if there is a solution if not walk away with your dignity in tact. 

Have an affair and he will use it against you with children,friends family and anyone else he thinks he can piss you off with plus the message it sends out to your children and your character to other people.

good luck


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like it already over. beating a dead horse won't bring it back. sit down with all your assets and in a amicable manor get divorced. everybody wins the kids will be better off and both of you will heal from an amicable divorce much better.


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## caracara (Nov 23, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Well he's not going to go for an open marriage. Even though he doesn't sound like he has much self respect, he would be stupid to do so.
> 
> I say go to him and tell him exactly what you have told us. Lay it all out there to him. What do you have to lose.
> 
> ...


You're right. This is almost exactly what I said Monday night. I even brought up an open marriage and he rejected it so fast, it was as if he knew it was coming. But he did say yes I'll see a counselor pretty fast too. He knows he has a problem. He set a counseling appointment himself today so I'll see where it goes. 

For other's comments, yes it is almost like beating a dead horse with this and he might not ever change but it's worth a try since he's willing. 

And, we have spoken about it before. It isn't a quiet issue. He admits he does it at work, home, or anywhere he can. He uses his phone. But I'm not putting security on it or checking it constantly. That will just make things worse even for me. No I don't use sex against him. I know women who do that frequently and I think it's a horrible thing to do that ultimately leads men to cheating. I do think there's some other reason. Maybe an infatuation with an ex and the love just isn't there for me. Or possibly boredom. He is a bit of a plain love maker, so maybe the chore of doing it is exhausting. Maybe he's crazy. I just don't know anymore. But I hope to find out soon.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

knobcreek said:


> Men typically turn to porn when starved for sex. Believe it or not women do use sex as a weapon in marriages and withhold it.
> 
> Did you reject your husbands advances a lot when he wanted sex? That happens enough times and he'll just beat off and look at porn, what's the point of trying to have sex if 9 out of 10 times you're uninterested and when you do it's a pity fvck?
> 
> ...


Sorry, not all sex problems in marriages are the fault of women.

If a guy is risking getting fired for beating the meat at work, there's a deeper issue at hand than "my wife's a shrew."


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry what is PA


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry what is PA


Porn addict? I hope I'm right.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My life for the last 23 years. Affair? No! I understand how you feel and how much you desire to have someone interested in you and how you must fantasize of that magical lover who you are connected to, I think of it more times than I like to think. An affair is not a solution, it will only add to the problem. You have a reason for staying, as do I....make the best of your life and your happiness for yourself.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry what is PA


Passive Aggressive?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Sorry, not all sex problems in marriages are the fault of women.
> 
> If a guy is risking getting fired for beating the meat at work, there's a deeper issue at hand than "my wife's a shrew."


Right? That's like saying that women typically cut off sex because their hb's turn into slovenly aholes. Does it happen? Yes. 

Should we make this assumption every time a guy is in a sex starved marriage? 

No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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