# He declares unconditional HATE after 37 years



## forgiven (Jun 29, 2013)

A little background, we have been married 37 years. In a counseling session a few years ago, I began reliving all the abusiveness of my father throughout my childhood. I had never shared this with him before, I had it blocked out. I have always been insecure and needy of affirmation. My husband has never been one to share feelings or speak positive affirmations to me. When conflicts arise, he has always been one to run away from a problem instead of talking it out he would prefer to "ignore it and it will go away" Lately he has told me he hates me and always has. He seems confused about his feelings, but when I ask what the underlying committed feeling is toward me he shakes his head ans says " I know I should love you and keep my vows,but all I want to feel is hatred toward you." When I ask why what have I done, He responds" Just because your you, your ugly and disgusting, worthless and unacceptable." I want to keep my vows, I want to stay married, I want to live in this house, I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be married to anyone else. Help!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

forgiven said:


> A little background, we have been married 37 years... but when I ask what the underlying committed feeling is toward me he shakes his head ans says " I know I should love you and keep my vows,but all I want to feel is hatred toward you." When I ask why what have I done, He responds" Just because your you, your ugly and disgusting, worthless and unacceptable." I want to keep my vows, I want to stay married, I want to live in this house, I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be married to anyone else. Help!


Yeah, that makes just total sense.

He sounds like someone who may be having mental issues. But, a marriage like that is not one worth saving.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

How long has he been this way? When it started, did anything specific change in the relationship or with him? 

Sounds more like those insults are coming from how he feels about himself.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

How old is he? It sounds like a life crisis.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

forgiven said:


> I want to live in this house, I don't want to be alone


The price you'll pay to get what you want is at the expense of your sanity and self-esteem. Is it worth it? Ask yourself why you're willing to settle for an emotionally unavailable guy?


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## forgiven (Jun 29, 2013)

So you all agree I should abandon the vows I took and divorce him? He says he doesn't want a divorce, he wants me to stay, so am I the fool that is just stupid enough to stick around and will never get anything but abuse? Sometimes I think it is only my income that make him want me to stay, he couldn't survive on his income alone.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

No man would get the opportunity to say to me twice what your husband said to you. This is SO below the belt and unacceptable that you should truly ask yourself why you can accept this, look beyond it, and stick around for more of the same, being used for your resources. Respect yourself!!! Or else no one else will respect you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

forgiven said:


> So you all agree I should abandon the vows I took and divorce him? He says he doesn't want a divorce, he wants me to stay, so am I the fool that is just stupid enough to stick around and will never get anything but abuse? Sometimes I think *it is only my income that make him want me to stay*, he couldn't survive on his income alone.


I think you just put your finger on it. 

You need to leave. What's your money buying, the presence of someone who hates you? What a bargain.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

There's honouring your vows and there's hiding behind them because you're afraid of change.

I think it's pretty clear which one applies here.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

forgiven said:


> So you all agree I should abandon the vows I took and divorce him? He says he doesn't want a divorce, he wants me to stay, so am I the fool that is just stupid enough to stick around and will never get anything but abuse? Sometimes I think it is only my income that make him want me to stay, he couldn't survive on his income alone.


Your income is a pretty lousy brand of glue for holding a marriage together!

I get it that you don't want to be with another person or be alone, but do you really want to be partnered with someone who detests you and uses such unfair and abusive terms to describe why? You *ARE* worth more than that, but if you don't treat yourself as more valuable then you're being loyal to people who have gone out of their way to harm you over and over again since you were a child. I will make a wish for you that you'll learn what *else* is out there - people who treasure you just as you are!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> A little background, we have been married 37 years. In a counseling session a few years ago, I began reliving all the *abusiveness of my father throughout my childhood.* I had never shared this with him before, I had it blocked out. *I have always been insecure and needy of affirmation.* My husband has never been one to share feelings or speak positive affirmations to me. When conflicts arise, he has always been one to run away from a problem instead of talking it out he would prefer to "ignore it and it will go away" Lately he has told me he hates me and always has. He seems confused about his feelings, but when I ask what the underlying committed feeling is toward me he shakes his head and says *" I know I should love you and keep my vows, but all I want to feel is hatred toward you." When I ask why what have I done, He responds" Just because your you, your ugly and disgusting, worthless and unacceptable." *I want to keep my vows, I want to stay married, I want to live in this house, I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be married to anyone else. Help!




I do not have a PhD in psychology but from what you wrote it appears *you are weak and compromising.* You are weak because of your father and husband. You are compromising with vows, staying married, live in your house, and you do not want to be alone.

For me that is too much of a compromise to be kept insecure and needy and trapped. Furthermore, *keeping vows at the expense of your personhood is foolish. You can win that house or get you another one, you can learn to be alone or you can get a companion that does not hate you and call you ugly and worthless.[/B

If you get help and then you make up your mind about the truth; that you really are a very valuable person, and you take the tough action that will improve yourself, you will have a MUCH BETTER life!

If you continue to allow yourself be treated like a dirty dish rag you will become a permanent door mat. There really is no need for that and with help you can change that.

Get help NOW, you do your part and you will no longer be trapped!*


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

It sounds like he either has had an emotional breakdown, OR, he has met another woman and is trying to make you leave him rather than the other way around. 

I agree that kind of talk is not acceptable. I would tell him, if he hates you that much, feel free to pack his bags and leave and don't let the door hit his behind on the way out.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

forgiven said:


> A When I ask why what have I done, He responds" Just because your you, your ugly and disgusting, worthless and unacceptable."


^^projection. Picture him looking in the mirror and saying it. Its how he feels about himself.

Very sad for him, he sounds like a broken and deeply wounded man (iow, has his own childhood wounds)

forgiven, you have been working on your personal recovery from the childhood abuse. You picked this man when you were still very broken and wounded yourself, so at the time you were a "matched set" so to speak. Your engaging healing and recovery has put you far ahead of him on the journey.

Somewhere along the line, he internalized lies. TBH I think your persistent commitment to him could be a healing experience for him as it is a concrete demonstration that he is NOT a worthless reject (OTH he may be so stuck that he will not move with you to healthier marital dynamic but will replace you with someone else who will be his partner in the toxic dance)

If my husband said what yours did, I would respond with positive affirmations something like. "I'm sorry you feel that way and have such a low opinion of me but God has assured me that I am blessed, loved, precious, and accepted"


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

forgiven said:


> So you all agree I should abandon the vows I took and divorce him?


Not me. See above post.

Your marriage has been a toxic dance. You keep going on your healing journey and change up your your dance steps toward healthy. He will either change in response or replace you with someone who is a toxic match.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I perhaps understand why your husband wants to stay with you then, but I'm failing to see why you want to stay with him. Have you considered individual counseling to deal with your own issues? In particular, why you'd consider staying in such an unhealthy relationship...

C


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

forgiven said:


> So you all agree I should abandon the vows I took and divorce him? He says he doesn't want a divorce, he wants me to stay, so am I the fool that is just stupid enough to stick around and will never get anything but abuse? Sometimes I think it is only my income that make him want me to stay, he couldn't survive on his income alone.


Umm,, didn't his vows include loving and honoring you? Or do the vows only apply to you? Or did your vows include standing by him through him hating you and thinking you're ugly? If so you knew what you were promising. I'f not you're not breaking anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

He says he hates you but wants to stay married. I seriously wonder if he is mentally ill. Needs help?

Yes, I know, it could be the money but......


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

forgiven said:


> A little background, we have been married 37 years. In a counseling session a few years ago, I began reliving all the abusiveness of my father throughout my childhood. I had never shared this with him before, I had it blocked out. I have always been insecure and needy of affirmation. My husband has never been one to share feelings or speak positive affirmations to me. When conflicts arise, he has always been one to run away from a problem instead of talking it out he would prefer to "ignore it and it will go away" Lately he has told me he hates me and always has. He seems confused about his feelings, but when I ask what the underlying committed feeling is toward me he shakes his head ans says " I know I should love you and keep my vows,but all I want to feel is hatred toward you." When I ask why what have I done, He responds" Just because your you, your ugly and disgusting, worthless and unacceptable." I want to keep my vows, I want to stay married, I want to live in this house, I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be married to anyone else. Help!


I would demand he go to a doctor with you and you explain what is going on. This 180% change could be the signs of a stroke, bad drug interaction or mental illness.

WWHT


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

This could also be an obsessive thought problem. He does not mean, but without treatment, it can fester and grow until it breaks out into the open.

This is normally taken care of by an cognitive-behavioral psychologist.

WWHT


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