# Lost....



## flygirl_2009 (Feb 2, 2009)

Morning ~

this is my first time posting here and I thought I could get some advice from those who are going through the same. 

Some Background: I have been married for almost 3 years (known him for 5). When we were first dating, we didnt have much sex cuz we weren't married. Yeah I know it can work out but it just wasnt what we wanted. Anywho, we were married in 2006 and we were all all ready to go at it and just enjoy sex w/o worrying about if a child would come from it. Well this is where I was wrong. I practically have to beg to get any sex. I have talked to him countless times about what I need to do to make him more aroused and all I get is 'I dont know'. So I ask him, what happened in his past that made him recoil in sex. He doesnt feel he recoils. I am tired of being rejected and only having sex once a month and he thinks having a baby takes sex once a month. Well, I know it only takes one swimmer but I dont even know if he has a low sperm count or what since we only do it once. I dont know if he masterbates... I practically dont know him and have told him this. I told him maybe we need a counselor and he has told me that he doesnt think anything is wrong. 

I dont want to get to the point of an ultamatum but I am so tired of running my head into a wall. If I took the sex issue out, everything is great. He is a good provider and we barely have any debts (and grateful for that). 

thanks for letting me vent.


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## Flipper (Feb 2, 2009)

I just posted the very same thing in the Ladies Lounge except the roles were reversed. I don't know what the right answer is... Good luck to you finding the solution.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Communication is the only thing that can help fix this, and yes I read that you have told him the issue and he has rejected you in the past. However, I would ask for him to see a doctor with his low sex drive. Has he been tired, overworked, stressed? These might also be factors as well. What time of day does he reject you?

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

your situation is pretty similar to what happened to me. i found out my H was addicted to porn.


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

My wife and I had the same probs, but it was her that didn't want sex.

We've been married 11 years and for 10 years I was patient and put up with having sex only once a month. I will admit that I was happy (albeit exhausted) when we were trying to get pregnant. It took us 6 months 3 times a week before it happened!

But 1 year ago, I finally got fed up with asking how we can improve the only part of our relationship that was missing. I stopped caring, I was always angry and frustrated, I could've had an affair when the opportunity arised, luckily I thought with my big head and not my little head, and decided not to get into that. We'd had sex only twice in a 5 month period and finally I let my frustration out.

I told her that for the last year the only reason I was still here was because I would never leave my son (my origins are 12,000kilometers away from my wifes) and that I had reached a point that the lack of sex resulted in me feeling ignored, rejected and unappreciated and that I was not in love with her anymore (but that last one was a lie). I told her that if she did not make an effort to improve things our relationship was about to get very cold indeed.

I figured, if she still loves me, she will try...if not, I would have some very difficult decisions to make. The past four months have been much better. Her efforts have been very noticable when you consider our jobs and a 2 year old take up almost all of our time.

But for the time being we are back on the right track and it took true feelings and an ultimatum to get there. Unfortunately you have to be a little bit selfish and risk hurting the ones you love sometimes or they could take you for granted. Remember, both of you have to be happy or else it's not a fulfilling relationship.


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## flygirl_2009 (Feb 2, 2009)

Draconis ~ I have sat him down in a neutral place and had a talk with him and all he told me was 'I dont know'. I told him that is BS and it feels he doesnt trust me with his innermost fears. I have tried different times of day so I dont know what to do. What I really would like to do is to get some truth serum and inject him with it to get through him.

Ljtseng ~ I have offered to watch porn with him and he isnt interested. He thinks they are just silly. The pc is in our front room and if he is looking at porn, he knows I can easily find it through cache (I'm a tech nerd!)

Uglee70 ~ I have to agree with you and I am taking steps to taking care of me. I am not making myself so available to him and doing things after work (not all night but for an hour or two). As I was reading your post, I felt a deja vu since that is what I told my H. 

Thanks all for your responses. I do appreciate them!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

While it is easy to get information on why women go off sex, with men it is well nigh impossible.

The one thing I would ask is, did he come from home where there was little or no display of physical affection - no hugs or cuddles to him, or between the parents in front of him?

What happens if you initiate sex?



> I dont want to get to the point of an ultamatum but I am so tired of running my head into a wall.


I actually think that this might be the best way to go. But in stages. You could start with "unless you are willing to at least work on it..."

There is no point having a baby with him if you are on the verge of calling it a day.


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

I'd hold off on the baby idea myself. Was he a virgin before he married you?? To me he sounds uniterested in the whole idea of sex.


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## flygirl_2009 (Feb 2, 2009)

MarkTwain ~ I did find out through a friend of mine who dated his cousin that he was almost the same way (hard to initiate & understand). I refuse to use this as an easy pass. But yes, his family is very off-standish with affection. Where I come from a family where we give hugs. I also have friends that share affection as well. I have always been surrounded by affection. This is just odd for me. I agree with you on the stages idea. I am not letting this subject go but I will let it sink in. I also agree with the baby idea until I can get some answers. Why bring in another life while he cannot confine in me. 

Marlborolights ~ I wouldnt of known if he was or not. He didnt say anything about it. Like I told MT above, I will get to the bottom of this. I told H that I shared why I am because of my past (no details but generalizations) and it isnt fair that he isnt sharing. 

I know he loves me because he always has this need to be around me (not smothering). For example, he wants me to cuddle up next to him before we go to sleep at night. I get hot quick so I have to roll off but then he moves his feet or hand over to keep contact. To me, it feels like mixed messages or maybe it his way of trying. I dont know because HE WONT TALK TO ME ABOUT IT! Sorry just frustrated!!


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