# Selfish Lover



## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Hi all,

Some of you may recognize my name tag from CWI section. W and I have made some fantastic turnaround from almost divorce, to back in love. Our sex life has turned around greatly (at least once a week). However, I have an issue I need help with. W has always been a fairly selfish lover. Our typical "session" involves ME messaging her, and slowly working HER into the right mode. She's interested, but needs a lot of work to "get there." I usually wind up taking her to finish, before she even wants me to "join her." I'm fine with that.....mostly...except that during the entire event...she doesn't really touch me ...even once. Occasionally, I will take her hand and put it on me. She'll half-heartedly stroke me....but seems put off by my "fluids."

I can't go down on her, until she is completely aroused....because she gets ticklish/uptight. The other night, I got her to the right stage, and gave her oral...which she absolutely loved. Then I asked her to reciprocate....to which she managed about 30 seconds, before quiting ("mouth tired"). We had sex after. Now...I love my wife to no end. And nothing gets my motor running more than getting her off. But I just don't know how to get her to be more giving, in bed. How does someone bring that up? "honey...that was good...but...you really need to do more?" I don't need her to be a s**t in bed...but I do need her to be MORE than just a recipient. I truly think she feels that by me being in her...that is all she needs to give. It is nice...don't get me wrong....but it just doesn't feel like I am desired...as much as I desire her. Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

You can't make her want to do it, it's how she is.

She's "halfheartedly stroking you" because she really isnt all that into giving you pleasure. 

Which means there are still some serious issues here, maybe nothing that can be fixed.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

reggis said:


> You can't make her want to do it, it's how she is.
> 
> She's "halfheartedly stroking you" because she really isnt all that into giving you pleasure.
> 
> Which means there are still some serious issues here, maybe nothing that can be fixed.


She's always been this way, though. I realize that is my fault, as much as hers. I'm more giving, then she is...and let it get this far. I don't think she doesn't want to be more giving. She just hasn't really needed to. So...I've fostered this. I'm wondering how (after 14 years) to turn this around. I'm sure it would be beneficial for both of us.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Some random thoughts not really to be construed as advice...

*to which she managed about 30 seconds, before quiting ("mouth tired")*
Let's assume you are 33% larger than your wife. So go find something that is 33% larger than your **** and put it in your mouth and see how long you can do that comfortable... be sure to move it all around so you have to keep teeth and whatnot out of the way. The right size salami ought to do it. Holding your mouth open takes muscles. The rest position is closed. Without practice it can be tiring very quickly. In other words, I find that plausible. BUT, those muscles also recover pretty quickly. Even 20 seconds of rest and they are typically good to go again.

*I truly think she feels that by me being in her...that is all she needs to give.*
In the US culture a lot of women believe that... _especially_ the particularly pretty ones. The fact that you get to do anything with them at all is seen as a gift.

What she thinks, however, is completely irrelevant. The bottom line is it is NOT all she needs to give (as evidenced by the fact that you are posting here). In other words, no matter what she "feels" she is objectively incorrect and you are either going to set her straight or be dissatisfied/divorced.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

DailyGrind said:


> She's always been this way, though. I don't think she doesn't want to be more giving. She just hasn't really needed to. So...I've fostered this. I'm wondering how (after 14 years) to turn this around. I'm sure it would be beneficial for both of us.


She's always been this way, it's been over 14 years.

You say it's not that she doesn't "want to be more giving" it's just that she hasn't "needed to be more giving".

I think you're missing something here.

It's really as simple as this: If she wanted to do it, she would do it and not make lame excuses for not doing it.

Truth is, she doesn't want to do it and she's not going to change.

The best you might get is a "BJ under protest" and you'll know she's not into it and how are you going to enjoy it?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

She's always been like that...is this true? Because if yes, then there may be very little you can do to change that. Or it'll take constant effort on your part.

My husband is pretty vanilla as well although in the early days he tended to try harder. He settled into routine sex early on, then the frequency diminished. Turns out when I asked him why, he admitted to certain hangups. I've accepted that he is just not as sexual as I am.
It's something that I have to work on with him. I'm the one who does everything in our case, while he is more the recipient.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Approach it in a positive fashion-

"I like it when you..."

"it feels great when you..."


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

DG, I would go slow. You both just started having regular sex after a 2 years hiatus. Some women do not feel comfortable initiating anything. After some time has passed and she is feeling more comfortable all around maybe introduce things slowly. It took me quite a long time to get Morrigan into the thing with the peanut butter and the jumper cables.


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> DG, I would go slow. You both just started having regular sex after a 2 years hiatus. Some women do not feel comfortable initiating anything. After some time has passed and she is feeling more comfortable all around maybe introduce things slowly. It took me quite a long time to get Morrigan into the thing with the peanut butter and the jumper cables.


I can't believe it took me so long to try it. The cleanup can be hell though.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> DG, I would go slow. You both just started having regular sex after a 2 years hiatus. Some women do not feel comfortable initiating anything. After some time has passed and she is feeling more comfortable all around maybe introduce things slowly. It took me quite a long time to get Morrigan into the thing with the peanut butter and the jumper cables.


Do you two share a cup of Shock Full O Nutz Coffee afterward?

Daily, there's no way a woman's mouth is tired after thirty seconds of BJ.

I would be completely honest with her and say, "It really bothers me when _________. I don't see anything wrong with saying that to someone you love. If they truly love you back, they will want to change things.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

DailyGrind said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Some of you may recognize my name tag from CWI section. W and I have made some fantastic turnaround from almost divorce, to back in love. Our sex life has turned around greatly (at least once a week). However, I have an issue I need help with. W has always been a fairly selfish lover. Our typical "session" involves ME messaging her, and slowly working HER into the right mode. She's interested, but needs a lot of work to "get there." I usually wind up taking her to finish, before she even wants me to "join her." I'm fine with that.....mostly...except that during the entire event...she doesn't really touch me ...even once. Occasionally, I will take her hand and put it on me. She'll half-heartedly stroke me....but seems put off by my "fluids."
> 
> I can't go down on her, until she is completely aroused....because she gets ticklish/uptight. The other night, I got her to the right stage, and gave her oral...which she absolutely loved. Then I asked her to reciprocate....to which she managed about 30 seconds, before quiting ("mouth tired"). We had sex after. Now...I love my wife to no end. And nothing gets my motor running more than getting her off. But I just don't know how to get her to be more giving, in bed. How does someone bring that up? "honey...that was good...but...you really need to do more?" I don't need her to be a s**t in bed...but I do need her to be MORE than just a recipient. I truly think she feels that by me being in her...that is all she needs to give. It is nice...don't get me wrong....but it just doesn't feel like I am desired...as much as I desire her. Any advice is greatly appreciated.



No disrespect but it sounds like your wife is one of those I'll just lay there types. All the work you put into her she should be participating. Just like a marriage shouldn't be on the shoulders of one of the partners neither should sex. 

If I were you i would try talk to her (not during sex). Just bring it up nicely. "Honey it would make me feel more loved desired if you did ______________ while we had sex. Could you try it?" 

Also if that doesn't change anything I would try holding back yourself. Show her what it's like to not have any participation (just humping) and see how she likes it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

She is indeed being selfish, but given your marital history, I, too, would take it slow.  You can't go from 0 to 60 with her overnight.

My other thought is for you to take your pleasure with her without worrying about her getting there. Didn't you say that she wants you to be dominant in the relationship? If so, she may respond to your aggressive desire for her.

Try different things to see what works. Don't give up and assume that she isn't sexual. What got her going when you first met?


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