# Question for the men...



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Would you be disappointed or dissatisfied if your wife couldn't orgasm during intercourse? I want honest answers...

We are happy at the moment and we aren't at it like rabbits but we're more frequent than we were

I sometimes struggled in the first few years with sex because of abuse issues, but have improved heaps.I can usually relax during intercourse these days, and I do enjoy it, but not orgasm. We do oral alot.

So... I just have this feeling that he is quietly disappointed that i'm not this porn animal in bed. Or even normal. Im. feel sad that I can't give him that. I asked him a few times if he.was disappointed and he said no, but I really feel like he is...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Most women don't orgasm during intercourse. Most do through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris.

If you mean not orgasming at all, I'd be concerned. I'm not sure I'd even get into a LTR relationship in that case, given my first sexless marriage - I wouldn't want to start a new one with a disadvantage.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I was in a relationship with a woman who only orgasmed thru oral sex and it was not a problem. She liked to receive oral and I liked giving. So often she would get that three times a day in addition to the intercourse which was never uncomfortable for her. Not coincidentally -she gave awesome BJs.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

My wife rarely if ever orgasms thru intercourse. She still enjoys it a lot and it feels really good to her. I also know that a lot of women do not orgasm thru intercourse, so it's not uncommon to be in that situation.

Of course, I'd love to able to bring her to orgasm thru PIV sex, but it's very rare if it ever happens. My last GF orgasmed via intercourse very easily, so I know I'm capable of giving them to women in this way. But I'm not going to sweat it so long as my wife is satisfied sexually. We communicate well to each other, so I'm sure she's happy with how things are. If she's not truly satisfied and isn't telling me, then it's her loss because I surely open the channels of communication to talk about it and try to make sure she's satisfied.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Would you be disappointed or dissatisfied if your wife couldn't orgasm during intercourse?
> I just have this feeling that he is quietly disappointed that i'm not this porn animal in bed. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Quietly disappointed would probably be a good definition for me in this situation. But it has nothing to do with a porn animal, and I think you may be mixing up some things. If he seems satisfied, it's not a stretch to think that 1) he wants you to orgasm, 2) he wants to be responsible for it, 3) on occasion (at least) he'd like the two of you to orgasm together. 

Probably in that order. It's not about you screaming and demanding more, like a porn animal. It's about him being able to make you feel as good as you make him feel.

Does it never happen for you, under any circumstances, or does oral do it?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

That's what oral is for! I read some article recently that stated nearly 70% women don't orgasm via PIV.
I know my fiance does about 50% of the time, but she does 100% of the time with oral.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

To be honest, my wife does not like oral but always orgasms through intercourse but just purely on the basis of sex quality I would take my previous SO every time because she was comfortable with herself, could talk about sex, showed concern for my needs, etc.. 

Sex is more than just the O, it is the bonding.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO, who is the sexiest and most sexual woman I've ever been with, has rarely orgasmed through intercourse. Like three times in three years. Do I wish she could? Sure. But like the other guys, it's not a big deal for me. 

We use a small bullet vibrator when she wants to orgasm while I'm inside her. Often results in a squirting mess. . Oral and manual play will get her off otherwise, and she usually has 2 or more per session. 

Now... If she didn't orgasm at all with me? Through oral or anything? We wouldn't be together. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I don't O by straight intercourse. Manual and oral of clitoris and/or stimulation of G spot area works for me. I still absolutely, positively LOVE LOVE LOVE PIV. Men sometimes forget that for women, it's very mental and emotional. We are not just in in for the "money shot".

I explained this to the H years ago. He gets it. It's just a physical difference in women. No biggie. We still have oodles of fun. There are bigger things in the world to worry about than this, IMO.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I am LOL to the 'not a porn animal in bed' since those women are loud and crazy, but not getting off.

Before anyone corrects me, I know there is porn with women really having orgasms. I watch it. Usually the woman is lying down and appears to be asleep with her eyes closed.

That's about all I can say about that.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

so by what you guys are saying then because I cant orgasm from any means even myself, then I am responsible for the complete breakdown of any intimacy in our lives then? and im on the road heading for divorce town very quickly?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I would not go that far unlovedbyhim,

Your guy has stuck with you for 35 years so there has to be more there than just your O. You would not be married to a guy who considered it a deal breaker.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You asked if we would be disappointed or dissatisfied if our partners couldn't orgasm through PIV. For me, I wouldn't have dated someone who I felt I couldn't be connected to sexually, and that includes providing her orgasms. Not necessary through PIV, but in general. 

I, however, am not your husband. And drawing a conclusion that just because someone like myself wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't orgasm means your husband is the same is foolish. 

In summary... Don't ask for honest answers and responses (online or from your husband, for that matter) if you can't handle the truth. And don't make assumptions about how your husband feels based on other yahoos on the internet. Either one is asking for trouble. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I would not go that far unlovedbyhim,
> 
> Your guy has stuck with you for 35 years so there has to be more there than just your O. You would not be married to a guy who considered it a deal breaker.


but you need to remember is that he didn't know that I wasn't having them until 10 yrs ago and I didn't know I was meant to be having them until that time


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

PBear after everything that has gone on here it would take more than a few truthful remarks such as yours to upset me! I made my remark based on several of the posts I have been reading on this thread and others on here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unlovedbyhim said:


> PBear after everything that has gone on here it would take more than a few truthful remarks such as yours to upset me! I made my remark based on several of the posts I have been reading on this thread and others on here.


That's good. Because I'm not trying to hurt you, just give you my honest feelings. 

But the fact remains... Interpreting things that other people say and then not believing what your husband says because of that is very dangerous to your relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

but if what my husband says is based on something from no experience at all, then I would be wise to follow those with more experience than him?

the phrase the blind leading the blind comes to mind with us


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> but if what my husband says is based on something from no experience at all, then I would be wise to follow those with more experience than him?


What does your husband say?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

not a great deal to be honest! but when we do talk about sex, he will inform me that he is doing everything that is said to do from books we have got! funny but I have read those books to and its usually nothing like what he informs me


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok. I'm not a sex therapist, and I've never played one on TV. But if you can't orgasm even by yourself, the problem doesn't seem likely that your husband isn't correctly applying the information in the books. What about starting with YOU learning how to give yourself an orgasm?

Have you ever seen a sex therapist? Considered it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

tried all that and failed miserably it just doesn't work for some reason


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> so by what you guys are saying then because I cant orgasm from any means even myself, then I am responsible for the complete breakdown of any intimacy in our lives then? and im on the road heading for divorce town very quickly?


That is certainly not what I am saying, and "responsibility" for your lack or orgasm is one for a professional.

As for intimacy in your marriage, from the few details I've picked up from other threads, it is not difficult to imagine that your husband felt/feels some combination of inadequacy/failure/deceit. for 20 years he thought he was getting the job done, then he learns that's not the case. 

Can you take some small solace in the fact that if it's not good for you, he doesn't want to be selfish and worry about only himself? It's a tricky one, but he hasn't said "I'll get mine, you worry about yours."

Is it clear to everyone that unlovedbyhim did not start this thread?

QuiteSoul started it, and unlovedbyhim has a similar situation, but much more extreme situation, it seems.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In a usual case of wanting what you can't have, I wish my wife wanted to orgasm with me through any means other than PIV, at least once in a while.

When I'm feeling particularly judgmental about the whole situation, I come to the conclusion that the ease with which intercourse satisfies her has made her a lazy lover. The only time in our marriage she ever showed any initiative in improving our sex life was during our first year, when we were learning how to get her off through the Only Approved Method. Once that got figured out and became reliable, she showed little interest in any other efforts to expand our repertoire.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, I'll try an analogy...

A couple gets together when they're young. They expect everything to be all rainbows and unicorn farts. World is their oyster, all that rot..

As part of their vision, they expect that they'll have a family someday. But storm clouds billow, as they try to conceive. They try naturally at first, then go in for tests to see what's holding up the baby carriage parade. Turns out the wife just isn't able to conceive. They try IVF, they try the drugs, nothing. 

Now for some husbands, this might be a deal breaker. They need to be a father of their own children. To other guys, it would be nice, but they can adapt to the thought that it's going to be them and their wife, and they're perfectly happy with that. Life throws you a curveball, you adapt and move on. 

The wife... She has choices too... She can take the blame on herself. After all, it's her body that's letting both of them down. She can adapt, like her husband has. She can chose to not believe her husband's statements that he's ok with their future, or she can accept his words. 

My thoughts... Accept your husband's words, unless you have a reason to believe otherwise. Don't worry about what other guys are ok with. We're not your husband, we're not living his life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

1812overture said:


> Is it clear to everyone that unlovedbyhim did not start this thread?
> 
> QuiteSoul started it, and unlovedbyhim has a similar situation, but much more extreme situation, it seems.


Actually, I hadn't caught that. I'm going to blame the mobile interface. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> but you need to remember is that he didn't know that I wasn't having them until 10 yrs ago and I didn't know I was meant to be having them until that time


Yeah, I understand your point but still -that was ten years ago and you two have a history and you can see by other guys posts that even if they feel like they are neglected they will stick with marriage for a long time and maybe never get divorced.

So I do not think you can just expect your husband to leave.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

IndyTMI said:


> That's what oral is for! I read some article recently that stated nearly 70% women don't orgasm via PIV.
> I know my *fiance* does about 50% of the time, but she does 100% of the time with oral.


So you popped the question???


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> not a great deal to be honest! but when we do talk about sex, he will inform me that he is doing everything that is said to do from books we have got! funny but I have read those books to and its usually nothing like what he informs me


You have a lot of anger, which IMO, is both justifiable AND counter productive. It is not your husbands fault that he didn't know you weren't having orgasms. However, I have to place the burden on both of you equally, for not knowing you were supposed to be having orgasms in the first place. 

You are probably a little older than me and I can vouch for the fact that our sex education was pathetic and though the information was out there, it was not at all easily accessible.

What I hope you do is come to understand and see the problems in your sex life as problems with being a completely unschooled cook. Think of it as taking a human who lived in an environment where food appeared but then was placed into a normal home where he/she had to make their food. You have a stove, oven, pots and pans and some food stuff. Now what do you do with all of that? How do you make a meal?

Unfortunatley, it can't be as simple as that because sex is loaded with deep feelings.

Your problems are very complicated.
1. You don't know how to orgasm and have never had one.
2. Your relationship with your husband is distant and difficult.
3. Talking about sex is very difficult for you both
4. You sleep in a different room from your husband.
5. You feel unloved as a result of this physical estrangement which was caused by the disclosure about your lack of orgasms and the arguments that ensued.
6. This is all complicated by the fact that you were raped before you disclosed the orgasm problem to your husband.
7. You blamed your husband for your lack of orgasm during a time when he blamed himself for not protecting you enough to prevent the rape.
8. By blaming your husband you caused deep hurt that won't go away until you go to him and try to work things out by apologizing for blaming him and asking for his help with your sexual dysfunction.

You can find good information here about understanding your body, understanding your husbands feeling from the good men of TAM who will try NOT to make you feel defensive.

But the bottom line is that this is a highly complicated problem that requires a highly skilled professional and many face to face or one on one sessions.

I am not trying to turn you away. I want you to post your own thread so that you can get everything out. That at least will help you on the road to self discovery, but it won't make you orgasmic.

Unlovedbyhim, my heart breaks for you because I can see how desperately you are trying to find answers. I really really want you to start your own thread so that ALL the wonderful knowledgeable members here can help you!


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

If she was able to orgasm in other ways, that would lessen the disappointment but it would still bother me. There's something very intimate powerful and connecting seeing my wife fully engaged in sex with me.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Would you be disappointed or dissatisfied if your wife couldn't orgasm during intercourse? I want honest answers...


Yes.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Anon I will be doing my own thread just we are 2 weeks away from my daughters wedding and its bedlam in this house at the moment, as you can imagine


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Would you be disappointed or dissatisfied if your wife couldn't orgasm during intercourse? I want honest answers...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife can orgasm through intercourse almost every time we have sex. I would probably be devastated if she could with others, but not with me. Since it's not an issue with us, I have never broached that subject before. Don't think I will, either.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Would you be disappointed or dissatisfied if your wife couldn't orgasm during intercourse? I want honest answers...
> 
> We are happy at the moment and we aren't at it like rabbits but we're more frequent than we were
> 
> ...


I know that I would be disappointed if my W didn't O. Don't get me wrong, there have been times that my W has faked it just to be done. But even this past weekend when my W initiated sex with me for one express purpose...to control ME and to get me off, without any expectations for herself. Four minutes later, I was finished (it really does go MUCH faster when I don't have to hold back in an attempt to get her off). Even with how great I felt at that moment, as we were doing the post-sex spooning, I couldn't just let it be...I felt compelled to ask her if she was really OK with that (not orgasming)...I felt bad that I couldn't return the favor, and I felt like I'd denied her that release. Of course, in this case, it was by design, and I know how much pleasure she received by giving me such a treat. And this fact SHOULD have eliminated any guilt I had.

But it didn't. I still felt bad (but only for a moment). My point is that if my W couldn't O most every time, I definitely would feel guilty, I would feel inadequate, and selfish. 

So you can O from oral, I presume that your O is clitoral. I understand that some women's clitoris is rather far removed from the vaginal opening, thus making it difficult for a woman to achieve an O with PIV. While my wife does achieve a PIV O, she much prefers a PIV/Clitoral O, so she often uses a bullet and the O goes from a 9 to an 11.

have you tried different toys or positions that could bring you to a PIV O? Could you guide him, will his ego allow the guidance?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unlovedbyhim said:


> so by what you guys are saying then because I cant orgasm from any means even myself..


Have you tried to get yourself off? Really sat down (laid down hehe) and tried to get yourself there? 


Practice 

Because I can every single time I, um, help myself.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> My wife can orgasm through intercourse almost every time we have sex. I would probably be devastated if she could with others, but not with me. Since it's not an issue with us, I have never broached that subject before. Don't think I will, either.


We are up to about 70% of the time now through PIV, and virtually 100% oral and fingers. We we first started dating, she let me know she was one of those women who never had and couldn't O through PIV, so it really wasn't something we ever tried for.

Then one time about six months after we started dating, she had the first one of her life, and we have been getting better and better at making it happen. We'll sometimes get the trifecta of PIV, oral and fingers all in the same session.

Now that I know she CAN in fact O through PIV, I think it would hurt quite a lot, and raise a lot of insecurities if she all of a sudden couldn't.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you tried to get yourself off? Really sat down (laid down hehe) and tried to get yourself there?
> 
> 
> Practice
> ...


ive tried now for 10 yrs with a magic wand and not a blooming sign of it happening, I feel absolutely nothing at all except the constant buzzing of it


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. 

I can orgasm through oral which is always fun, but because I can't. Orgasm through intercourse, I feel sad that I can't give my husband that. 

A few times he said thatbif he was fitter and could go for longer and was rock hard the whole time, that I would be able to O. I feel sad, 1 because maybe he thinks it's him, and 2, that even if he performed like a porn animal, it still would not result in me orgasming. 

I think he is accepting of the circumstances and at peace, but sometimes during intercourse he asks me if i'm enjoying it and if.it feels good, and I say yes which is truer,, but I feel like he's really asking if it's orgasm-inducing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Sorry for typos, am on phone lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

To the guys who are ok if their wife can't O with intercourse but can with oral, are there times you really really wish she could? Like really want her to enjoy your c*** as much as you enjoy her p**** during intercourse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> To the guys who are ok if their wife can't O with intercourse but can with oral, are there times you really really wish she could? Like really want her to enjoy your c*** as much as you enjoy her p**** during intercourse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be completely honest, yes, it would be nice if she could, but it really is true that many - perhaps most - women cannot orgasm through intercourse, or it's an uncommon event. This is a pretty widely know fact, IMO, so to _expect_ otherwise, or feel inadequate (him OR her) is simply ridiculous.

Do some research. Google this phrase and read some of the top 10 results: percentage of women who orgasm from intercourse


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> To be completely honest, yes, it would be nice if she could, but it really is true that many - perhaps most - women cannot orgasm through intercourse, or it's an uncommon event. This is a pretty widely know fact, IMO, so to _expect_ otherwise, or feel inadequate (him OR her) is simply ridiculous.
> 
> Do some research. Google this phrase and read some of the top 10 results: percentage of women who orgasm from intercourse


And show the results to your husband.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have not read the thread. But my honest answer is yes I would be very disappointed. My self-esteem and ego is fragile enough without having to deal the disappointment and shame that I could not bring my woman to orgasm through intercourse. We just wouldn't be a good fit long term.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

So you do orgasm during oral. Well then it's not a big deal that you don't orgasm again during PIV. Some women don't. It may have nothing to do with your past.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> Would you be disappointed or dissatisfied if your wife couldn't orgasm during intercourse? I want honest answers...
> 
> We are happy at the moment and we aren't at it like rabbits but we're more frequent than we were
> 
> ...



In an ideal world, if my wifee could orgasm during PIV, fantastic, but most women aren't built that way and need oral to have orgasms. Doesn't bother me either way.

Us guys all know women mainly orgasm from oral and with toys. It doesn't bother us, as long as we can get her to orgasm.

Some women can have orgasms from PIV but they are extremely rare.

Don't worry about it. Get him to use a vibrator on you while giving you oral at the same time.....you will like and so will he with the pleasure he is giving you.:smthumbup:


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## golf4ever (Oct 30, 2013)

my wife does not orgasm every time we have sex. she loves piv and having me orgasm. been together 33 years and our sex life she says is great. as long as she is happy, i'm happy


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> To the guys who are ok if their wife can't O with intercourse but can with oral, are there times you really really wish she could? Like really want her to enjoy your c*** as much as you enjoy her p**** during intercourse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As I said before that was my previous SO -but No, it never bothered me. Perhaps if there was an issue with the fit it might have made me question my ability some.

I think if your guy is telling you that he is OK with it you should believe him. I think the main thing is that you need to make sure you are communicating that you enjoy intercourse and you get pleasure out of it for other reasons. 

Every guy, regardless of whether their girl can O from PiV wants to know that she (to put it mildly) wants him to be inside of her. 

So a lot of women can not tell their men that in a bold way. If you are not already, then being a little bolder in your communication would probably help reassure him.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

yes


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

My reason for coming to TAM was looking for couples who were able to get over not being able to conceive and had a good marriage as a childless couple. I didn't get any help in that area but of course now it's moot!

But staying on TAM has so completely taken my marriage to a higher level that it has become addictive! I wouldn't say turned it around, because we already had a good marriage, but it has made me more aware of just how much of a sensual woman I am. Apparently my H saw this all the time and bless his heart, there was no pressure for any of the things I didn't embrace, until I decided to embrace them myself. He's the winner for it!

Anyway, because of this, I know somewhere down in myself is a need to help people in marriage. It's not even identifiable yet, but I've been gathering information to see what I'm going to do with it. One of the things I started to do during those lonely business trips my H took last summer while I was pregnant was send out email to female friends and relatives, just gethering information. I've continued to do this since I'm home all the time now with the baby. Here is a question I sent out to 31 of the females on my list (mostly relatives -- I have a HUGE family) from the age of 23 to 41. I pose the question, how often do you O during sex. the first question I didn't ask how, just how often. 

There was no one who never orgasmed. Then I followed up with is it by PIV, oral, fingers, toys? After reading through response that they didn't realize that C4E was so kinky (I never talk about our sex life to anybody), and from older sisters joking that they were telling MOm, there was 100% yes, that's right, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT say that they orgasm through PIV, not all the time but more than occasinaly. They say also they never heard of anyone not orgasm thru PIV. I hadn't either until I came to TAM.

Now I'm not trying to start a race war, but the only thing I think might be common here is that I'm black, and all the women I email are black. I don't know if that have anything to do with it and I'm not going there, just pointing out the only thing that could maybe skew this survey. The only thing I can possibly think of is body build because there is a definite different to most black women bodies. We usually have fuller hips, bigger thighs, smaller lower legs and calves. Also, unless overweight, we tend to have smaller breasts in proportion to the rest of our body. Not all, but a lot.

So anyway, I say that to say, I wonder if people who take these surveys about women not orgasm through PIV are taking a wide enough sample size? I know I have never respond to an online survey, nor one by mail, phone or anything else. I will put that question out to my group.

Just something to think about when someone say it's extremely rare for a woman to orgasm by PIV, when I got 100 percent response from a very small sample I know, but what are the odds?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

That dynamic is reversed for us. My wife orgasms nearly every time from PIV. If she doesn't, she's rather disappointed. She does less easily from PIV after she gave childbirth vaginally. (First kid was C-section). It took her a while to figure out how to again.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

C4E, bravo on your study among your women friends and relations. I think that is a fascinating hypothesis regarding body build in relations to orgasmic ability and wonder if any sex research has been completed about that? I doubt it though... So few studies on women and orgasmic abilities. Boo and hiss!

I have participated in sex surveys, you can sign up for them at the Kinsey research web site....I think. It's been a while...

The thing to keep in mind is that people tend to answer honestly taking blind questionnaires. People are not even honest when they are answering questions to a survey taker who they don't know. The presence of the questioner skews the results. This is why observation studies have to also be blind. So that the people being observed do not now they are being observed and alter their behavior as a result.

Just an FYI...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> C4E, bravo on your study among your women friends and relations. I think that is a fascinating hypothesis regarding body build in relations to orgasmic ability and wonder if any sex research has been completed about that? I doubt it though... So few studies on women and orgasmic abilities. Boo and hiss!
> 
> I have participated in sex surveys, you can sign up for them at the Kinsey research web site....I think. It's been a while...
> 
> ...


Yes, that's really a concern even though I'm the only one who sees their response. I was trying to figure out a way for them to respond to me anonamously but haven't figure it out yet. For instance I want to ask a masturbation question (see, I'm ever evolving) but I really don't think I will get honest answers because growing up in my demographic, it was considered that losers who couldn't get a boyfriend/girlfriend had to "settle" for masturbation. Don't know how that has played out in adulthood because it's something I really never discussed as an adult except with my H.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well I applaud your efforts regardless. There's always survey monkey, though if have no idea how much, if anything, that costs.

Keep up the good work C4E! Raise the good questions to start the conscious thinking and self examination! Bravo!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"My reason for coming to TAM was looking for couples who were able to get over not being able to conceive and had a good marriage as a childless couple. I didn't get any help in that area but of course now it's moot!"

My wife and I chose not to have kids (so a bit different than not being able to) but we both are quite happy that we do not have all the bills and time commitments and headaches and we can just enjoy ourselves -it is kind of like being 18 indefinitely.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> My wife and I chose not to have kids (so a bit different than not being able to) but we both are quite happy that we do not have all the bills and time commitments and headaches and we can just enjoy ourselves -*it is kind of like being 18 indefinitely*.


Baby constantly reminds us that if we're going to be acting like we're 18 during her "quiet hours", then we can expect maximum decibel yelling in response. She can sleep through anything but that. We may have to evict her to her own room ahead of schedule. See how she likes that.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

It messes with your head going from a woman that can O from PIV to one that cannot.

As an adult, I think you just have to work through the emotions, talk to your partner and don't let your feelings turn to disappointment or frustration.

When all is said and done she owns her O and all you can do is whatever is asked to of you to make intimacy enjoyable for your partner.

S.


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## cat5 (Jan 30, 2014)

C4E's informal study is interesting. 

We frequently hear from articles and studies how rare it is that women orgasm from PIV. I've read numerous times that only a third of women orgasm through PIV sex. If you read the studies carefully they say that only a third of women regularly orgasm that way. What is regularly? Every time? 90%? 80%? Is that by choice or necessity? 

So if a woman orgasms half the time through oral and the other half from PIV out of choice is she part of the third that regularly orgasm through PIV sex? I wouldn't think so.

In my life this interpretation has caused some irritation. My wife has never orgasmed through PIV sex with me or anyone else for that matter. Long ago I expressed how I would I felt that would be awesome. It didn't matter if she used her hand or if I used mine to get her there. It fell on deaf ears and part of the reason why is her insistence that only a third of women ever orgasm through PIV. 

See what happened? The interpretation of the studies goes from a third regularly to third do at all. 

I am not satisfied with our sex life. I can get her to orgasm through oral, which I love doing. Problem is she prefers her vibrator. Our normal routine is very little foreplay, which is her preference, then sex. Then when I am getting close or she is ready, she'll break out her vibrator and finish. It as if sex itself is foreplay to her vibrator. The upside of this routine is that we frequently have simultaneous orgasms with me inside her. The downside is I am only allowed to bring my wife to orgasm a couple of times a year. 

I have talked to her about this and it has gotten me no where. Her response is that it is her orgasm and I don't have a say. I feel that it is our sex life and I should have some say. I don't have a problem with toys, not at all, I just don't like the dependance on it. I want to have more of a role. To me vibrators are analogous to men and porn. I don't think she would like it if I couldn't finish unless I was watching porn. Or even if I couldn't finish unless I finished myself off.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

cat5 said:


> To me vibrators are analogous to men and porn. I don't think she would like it if I couldn't finish unless I was watching porn. Or even if I couldn't finish unless I finished myself off.


:iagree:


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

TTh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

My wife never orgasms with just plain old intercourse, but with vibrators, toys, stuff like that - good lord she was an orgasm machine until her libido took a nose dive in recent years. She still does quite well with a few of the vibrators and it is very exciting to see her "go off." 

If she got to the point where she couldn't orgasm anymore, yes, it would bother me quite a bit. But, personally, our sex life is on the rocks right now anyway, so, ours is a moot point. But in years past, yes, it would've bothered me if she didn't orgasm several times before I did. Take care.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

My wife can't or won't with any type of sex: PIV or oral. She claims she has NEVER been able to with anyone. However, she has recently become infatuated with a couple different vibrators and can orgasm with those.

She had about a 2 week timeframe (she is perimenopausal) where her hormones went crazy and she wanted it all of the time, but still would/could not orgasm except with her favorite toy.

Our sex life has been damaged for so long that I gave up long ago on it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bbdad said:


> My wife can't or won't with any type of sex: PIV or oral. She claims she has NEVER been able to with anyone. However, she has recently become infatuated with a couple different vibrators and can orgasm with those.
> 
> She had about a 2 week timeframe (she is perimenopausal) where her hormones went crazy and she wanted it all of the time, but still would/could not orgasm except with her favorite toy.
> 
> Our sex life has been damaged for so long that I gave up long ago on it.


And that's damaged your life...


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

> And that's damaged your life...


I won't deny that one bit either. There are reasons I stay, but a physical relationship is not one of them.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bbdad said:


> I won't deny that one bit either. There are reasons I stay, but a physical relationship is not one of them.


I'm not really one to condone cheating, but whether it's a male in the situation or a woman, I'd say somewhere after 1-3 years of complete sexlessness you have to take matters into your own hands. It's better to leave.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

It doesn't go that long (1-3 years), but typically duty sex when it happens.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bbdad said:


> It doesn't go that long (1-3 years), but typically duty sex when it happens.


What about hands or oral? Is there a way to spice up the duty? 

Is there any guy on this planet that turns her on? Maybe some chippendale dancers, or ballet guys in leotards or a bunch of built police officers and firemen?


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Not really. She has mentioned a few actors that she finds attractive, but she just shut down and I'm lost as to what would bring it back. But, it is what it is....I just focus my time on my kids, gym and work.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bbdad said:


> Not really. She has mentioned a few actors that she finds attractive, but she just shut down and I'm lost as to what would bring it back. But, it is what it is....I just focus my time on my kids, gym and work.


Well, you can't focus your time on her because it would be a bottomless pit. Maybe one day she'll come around. Perhaps couples activities with other loving couples could bring you closer.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I know this thread is directed at men, but until I came to TAM I had no idea that there were women who didn't orgasm through intercourse. As long as everyone is having a good time though, does it really matter if you come before, during or after or even at all? Occasionally I can't get there and plateau - its all good though.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

FizzBomb said:


> I know this thread is directed at men, but until I came to TAM I had no idea that there were women who didn't orgasm through intercourse. As long as everyone is having a good time though, does it really matter if you come before, during or after or even at all? Occasionally I can't get there and plateau - its all good though.


Most women don't orgasm from pure intercourse in my field studies. However I heard of this phenomina where small groups of them do... Perhaps something in their communication and in their mind that lets it happen.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Most women don't orgasm from pure intercourse in my field studies. However I heard of this phenomina where small groups of them do... Perhaps something in their communication and in their mind that lets it happen.


Don't want to derail OP's thread but I really like sex, I like thinking about, fantasising about it, talking about it (with my husband), reading erotica, looking at porn anything to do with sex really. 
Maybe it's just on my mind a lot. I can have sex with my husband just for the sake of sex, because I wanna get laid and nothing else and it's usually me dragging him to the bedroom. However, I can only orgasm once and prefer to do it PIV.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

FizzBomb said:


> Don't want to derail OP's thread but I really like sex, I like thinking about, fantasising about it, talking about it (with my husband), reading erotica, looking at porn anything to do with sex really.
> Maybe it's just on my mind a lot. I can have sex with my husband just for the sake of sex, because I wanna get laid and nothing else and it's usually me dragging him to the bedroom. However, I can only orgasm once and prefer to do it PIV.


My STBW was one of those women who thought she could not orgasm through PIV, and she also thought she was a one and done woman as well. As we have explored things together, she does both regularly now.

We also have an emotional connection like she's never known before, and everything is good outside the bedroom as well as in, so that likely has everything to do with it.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> We also have an emotional connection like she's never known before, and everything is good outside the bedroom as well as in, so that likely has everything to do with it.


As long as I'm getting laid regularly and enthusiatically (or moderately enthusiastically), I'm a happy camper and issues outside the bedroom don't seem to be a big deal at all, they just don't bother me as much.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Most women don't orgasm from pure intercourse in my field studies. However I heard of this phenomina where small groups of them do... Perhaps something in their communication and in their mind that lets it happen.


Small groups? What, like covens?

Saying two-thirds of women don't orgasm from PIV is the same as saying that one third does. My extremely vanilla LD wife is one of them. It took her a year of practice to figure it out, but once learned, remained permanent.


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## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

hey quiet, it will take time for you to be fully comfortable with sex. I hope he is patient with you, and that you keep trying. 

Yeah guys do want a woman to cum when they make love to them. You can say things like "its ok dear, it is me" a couple times, but if it is nearly EVERY time you make love, it WILL hurt the guys feelings eventually.

It is not unusual for women to not orgasm from normal intercourse. Many need clitoral stimulation, oral or digital stimulation, a whole lot of low intensity foreplay building up to an orgasm. Experiment with different ways A LOT, and find out what gets you closest. Be really frank and open discussing this with your partner. If you can direct him in the general direction, he the at least knows what direction to move in...and eventually you will have a method for achieving orgasms.

And, of course, just because you did not get an orgasm....make sure HE did! The best way to keep him trying!!!


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

Our "routine sex" is where I start by giving her oral to climax.
I then go PIV and sometimes she'll have a cliteral or vaginal orgasm. It can be a result of the oral stimulation or penis stimulation or sometimes, my orgasm will trigger her an orgasm. Those are powerful!! Sometimes, she just wants to take a couple of minutes and enjoy the oral orgasm and not want me on top right away, or at all.

I think as her sexual partner, we men feel we are satisfying our wife sexually by ringing the orgasm bell. It is a clear sign and we can sleep better. But, if she isn't having an orgasm, we feel we are not doing something right. My wife sometimes says she doesn't want an orgasm tonight....I've learned to accept it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm not sure my wife orgasms. She claimed before we got married she cannot orgasm by touching herself. Claims she feels nothing by touching herself. she gets extreme pleasure with sex and wants it a lot. Almost every day, so I think shes very satisfied. But when i asked her straight out if she orgasms her answer was "i'm not sure".

I don't think she has orgasmed many times in her life. She was married for 18 years before me and from what she tells me the sex was not that good.

I would love to be assured she gets orgasm. We try a lot of different things and she likes them all and wants more.

I have not been with a lot of women in my life so i'm somewhat naive maybe.

We have only been married for about 9 months. For now i'm satisfied that i'm pleasing her and will continue to explore her sexuality.


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