# Something is off



## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

My wife has a snapchat account. She only has ever posted stuff about her and our children but never has anything to do with me. Even though I'm with her while she records her stories. She makes sure I'm not in them. I have asked her about it a few times before and it never goes anywhere. Ever since I noticed that I have been paying closer attention to her actions and ho she is. She will not let me use the laptop to pay our mortgage payment. I asked her for her password and she said I dont need hers I can sign on as a guest and she will twist things around making me seem like I'm the bad person. Anytime I walk into a room and she is texting someone from her pho e it changes screens and then she makes it seem as she was checking her email. All her notifications are off her ringer is always silent. I think something is up but I cant pin point what it is. And I'm about to start snooping around on her stuff. And i honestly don't want to. What should I do and what do you guys think? Is she hiding me? And is she hiding a emotional relationship with someone else?


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## WorriedWife19 (Mar 12, 2021)

It certainly sounds as if she is doing something. If she is texting and changing screens and wont allow you access to her laptop it certainly is very suspicious. Have you ever outright asked her who she is texting? Or if she is seeing anyone else behind your back?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Snoop away! I would demand the laptop to pay the mortgage.


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Snoop away! I would demand the laptop to pay the mortgage.


That's the issue she wo t give up any passwords


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Waggs said:


> That's the issue she wo t give up any passwords


Tell her that if she isn’t willing to give up the passwords that is absolute proof that she is hiding something. People who have nothing to hide don’t worry about passwords.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Something is definitely amiss. Maybe it’s an emotional relationship, maybe it’s other inappropriate behavior , maybe it’s a full-blown physical affair.

You need to trust your gut and go into detective mode immediately. There is nothing wrong with snooping, spying, etc. when your gut is telling you something is up.

Keep your mouth shut, do not confront her, do not talk to her about it, do not indicate that you are suspicious of anything.

I believe there’s posts on here somewhere about VARs and surveillance methods, keyloggers, etc. Start doing it now. You’ll get a lot of good advice on here, listen to it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> Tell her that if she isn’t willing to give up the passwords that is absolute proof that she is hiding something. People who have nothing to hide don’t worry about passwords.


NO. This is true, and there will be a time for it, but that time is not now. That will just clue her in and make her more careful, destroy evidence and go deeper. You need to investigate without her knowing. Hire a PI if you have to, there’s enough red flags here to justify it.

and if/when you do demand the passwords, you must do it from a position of strength and resolve. You need to have the devices in hand so she can’t delete anything , and tell her you will file for divorce if she doesn’t comply immediately. It is not a negotiation.

You cannot be weak or passive or timid with this, ou will get destroyed


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Waggs said:


> That's the issue she wo t give up any passwords


I would not give anybody my password. you can certainly add yourself as a user or she can as a guest and then you can use your own password. She obviously wants some privacy as most people do. you say you were about to start snooping but you already have been. if you've been doing this snooping for quite a while as you say you've asked her several times, her being covert could be nothing but her rebelling against your trying to breach her privacy. of course if she is doing something she can do that with or without Snapchat or a computer. And maybe she is. Anyone who wants to have an affair can reach out and meet somebody in 20 minutes time and have it over in another 10 minutes. Just try to remember that monitoring someone can't stop them if they're having an affair.

If you are prepared to act on it if she's having an affair with a divorce then by all means hire a private detective. But I really don't like people looking at other people's private stuff unless they've already been proven to be cheating and are trying to repair the trust which is very rare.

But if you have no intentions of divorcing if you find something out then you should just chill and see if your marriage is declining or on the upswing without you running it into the ground by getting into her private posts and stuff.

As far as her posting about her children, I mean just so you know that seems to be what a whole lot of mothers do. I mean whether you put your man on there or not, just posting that you have kids isn't exactly giving the poster a big advantage, either male or female, if they're looking for other dates since most dating people consider it a negative. So it's hardly something that you would use to come on to people with.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I was worried for you the moment you said your wife has a Snapchat account.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would not give anybody my password. you can certainly add yourself as a user or she can as a guest and then you can use your own password. She obviously wants some privacy as most people do. you say you were about to start snooping but you already have been. if you've been doing this snooping for quite a while as you say you've asked her several times, her being covert could be nothing but her rebelling against your trying to breach her privacy. of course if she is doing something she can do that with or without Snapchat or a computer. And maybe she is. Anyone who wants to have an affair can reach out and meet somebody in 20 minutes time and have it over in another 10 minutes. Just try to remember that monitoring someone can't stop them if they're having an affair.
> 
> If you are prepared to act on it if she's having an affair with a divorce then by all means hire a private detective. But I really don't like people looking at other people's private stuff unless they've already been proven to be cheating and are trying to repair the trust which is very rare.
> 
> ...


I don’t even know where to begin with this. With respect, this is terrible advice. This kind of thinking helps enable bad behavior. 

There are patterns of behavior that we see over and over that are likely indications of inappropriate behavior. His wife is displaying some. He needs to trust his gut and take action on this.

No, she doesn’t get full privacy in a marriage. Her passwords should not be secret from her husband. He should be able to look at her devices whenever he wants, and vice versa.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What you really need is to understand ........yourself. What will you do if she is cheating? Demand answers? Put her in charge of what little info she will give you? Divorce? Reconciliation? Hand her your nuts and tell her it must be your fault? 

Decide now. So many people waste so much time fighting over all the little scraps of BS. Do you respect yourself enough to not put up with this. 

She is 99.9 percent most likely giving someone else sexual attention. Cant say if it’s physical or not but that is only one slippery slope away from an emotional affair.

You already know something isn’t right. Trust your gut.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> I was worried for you the moment you said your wife has a Snapchat account.


No ****. Nothing good comes from an app designed for discreet picture and message sharing


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> No ****. Nothing good comes from an app designed for discreet picture and message sharing


Almost true. I used to work overseas. It’s tough being gone a month at a time. We preferred Telegram though 😜


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If she is that secretive and keeping you absent from Snapchat - that would be a huge red flag for me.

Place a “nest” camera somewhere close to where she normally sits. Place it behind her. It should show you what password she uses when she signs in if the camera is pointed at her phone area.

Once you have her password - look at her phone when she is asleep. Keep a close eye out for contacts with female names too - even if it’s a guy she could have entered their contact as a gals name to cover up.

It shouldn’t take long after the camera is on the scene to find out what’s real.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

At minimum, she doesn’t respect you.
When you pay the mortgage is it from funds that you both put money into?
Does she work? How much?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Almost true. I used to work overseas. It’s tough being gone a month at a time. We preferred Telegram though 😜


me too, we just used iMessage, and email if there were any pictures that we didn’t want popping up unexpectedly on each other’s phone...


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> At minimum, she doesn’t respect you.
> When you pay the mortgage is it from funds that you both put money into?
> Does she work? How much?


I have always been the one to bring in enough money to live comfortably she has worked here and their but nothing full time. Shes busy with the 4 kids all day. I understand of having privacy but when she deliberately keeps me out of camera frame when posting on snapchat even on family outings is what got me wondering and have a bad gut feeling.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Come on Waggs, you know good and well she's communicating with some other guy (or maybe a woman if she swings that way). Of course she could be communicating with her GF telling her how much she enjoys alley catting around with her new bo. Figure out a way to hack her computer. On the camera thing, if you had a girlfriend you were telling how much you hate your wife and being married, would you be including her on social media pictures or would you just crop her out to the shot. Think about it dawg.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Waggs said:


> I have always been the one to bring in enough money to live comfortably she has worked here and their but nothing full time. Shes busy with the 4 kids all day. I understand of having privacy but when she deliberately keeps me out of camera frame when posting on snapchat even on family outings is what got me wondering and have a bad gut feeling.


you are right to be suspicious. Always trust your gut with these things. Start investigating quietly and start preparing your strategy and options for what you might find.

Even if it’s just some inappropriate messaging, flirting etc. you need to know what you’re going to do and be ready to shut it down from a position of strength. Also be prepared and have a plan in the event that you find something worse.

The fact that she’s being this resistant and protective of her passwords and being left out/cut out of posted pics is very bad sign and at a bare minimum indicates a lack of respect for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would not give anybody my password. you can certainly add yourself as a user or she can as a guest and then you can use your own password. She obviously wants some privacy as most people do. you say you were about to start snooping but you already have been. if you've been doing this snooping for quite a while as you say you've asked her several times, her being covert could be nothing but her rebelling against your trying to breach her privacy. of course if she is doing something she can do that with or without Snapchat or a computer. And maybe she is. Anyone who wants to have an affair can reach out and meet somebody in 20 minutes time and have it over in another 10 minutes. Just try to remember that monitoring someone can't stop them if they're having an affair.
> 
> If you are prepared to act on it if she's having an affair with a divorce then by all means hire a private detective. But I really don't like people looking at other people's private stuff unless they've already been proven to be cheating and are trying to repair the trust which is very rare.
> 
> ...


My, aren't you the hard case today.

You say that from a place where you are not involved, not a cheater, and not indulging others their doubts.

I get it, some people, as yourself, are naturally secretive, and oh, so private.

OP has a problem, we must not chide him for being that inquisitive husband.

*The clues seem like red flags, to most here.*

I am NOT berating you. I understand exactly where you are coming from. 
I like you!

The thing is....

You may end up with mud on your face, and OP's wife with _flailing gametes_ stuck to her peach fuzzies. 

I have been proven wrong by defending the _innocent until proven guilty._

Let his investigation run its course.

I really hate eating crow, and I know you will too. 

There is order to this madness.

Umm.



_King Brian-_

Those claws get stuck badly in one's incisors.

Ugh.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

How are other elements of the marriage?

How is the sex, is it frequent and is she a generally enthusiastic participant?

How is the general level of affection between you and your wife?

Are you leading her and your family? Does she follow your lead? -Based password situation, I’m guessing this may be a problem area…


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You should follow the sage advice of Hall and Oates and get a private eye. Watching you!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A mom with four kids and cheating?

That is uncommon.

She would have to be very unhappy, or just losing it.

How is your love life, at first, in the middle, to now?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> A mom with four kids and cheating?
> 
> That is uncommon.
> 
> ...


not uncommon at all to be engaging in very inappropriate behavior, even if it’s not necessarily a full-blown physical affair.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> You should follow the sage advice of Hall and Oates and get a private eye. Watching you!


They see your every move...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I second the idea of some pin cameras around -- try to determine the PW of her laptop and phone.
Something VERY shady is going on.

Can you get a hold of the phone bills for her phone? Check who she is calling and who she is texting (obviously snapchat won't be on there...).


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> I second the idea of some pin cameras around -- try to determine the PW of her laptop and phone.
> Something VERY shady is going on.
> 
> Can you get a hold of the phone bills for her phone? Check who she is calling and who she is texting (obviously snapchat won't be on there...).


Yes, all of this is important. The phone is definitely critical as well, don’t just focus on the laptop. 

And if you use Apple products, and are on the same iCloud account, you can access A LOT.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Check the phone bill.

It’s not that unusual for a stay at home Mom to get bored - and start focusing her time and attention on someone who’s stroking her ego!

Or if she has that much time to mess around flirting - then demand she earn enough money to pay that mortgage payment from the laptop she won’t allow you to log into! Heck, you probably paid for it! That makes me mad! You should be pissed!


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, all of this is important. The phone is definitely critical as well, don’t just focus on the laptop.
> 
> And if you use Apple products, and are on the same iCloud account, you can access A LOT.


She has apple I have Samsung


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> A mom with four kids and cheating?
> 
> That is uncommon.
> 
> ...


Love life was the same. recently shes wanted a little kinkier sex.


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> How are other elements of the marriage?
> 
> How is the sex, is it frequent and is she a generally enthusiastic participant?
> 
> ...


She has to have control over Bill's, kids, shopping. I have worked our whole marriage 12 hour shifts 5 to 6 days a week


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Waggs said:


> Love life was the same. recently shes wanted a little kinkier sex.


that’s not necessarily a problem on its own (probably a welcome thing actually). But you realize when combined with the other things going on, that is another red flag...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

When you ask her why she never posts you picture, what is her actual response? Most people with social media have a picture of their partner here or there. Not everybody gushes and declares their love online, but if we’re out somewhere, here and there I’ll post a picture of my husband and me, or the kids - you get the picture. 

So does she put pictures of you on social media anywhere else? 

But messaging with the girls is different. For example, if I’m sending images via any messenger service to my mum friends, it will be me and the kids, I don’t think I’ve ever sent a female-mum-friend a pic of me and my husband, and my friends wouldn’t send me a picture of their husbands either. We just send pics of us and the kids when chatting. ‘Hey we did this today, so much fun, you guys should take the kids!’ 

Other people may chat and send like this, it’s just not done in my group? I don’t know. That may be what she’s doing if she’s chatting with the girls. 

But Facebook or Instagram when I’m posting publicly, than yes there are pictures of him there. How about on your wife’s other accounts? 

We did have one friend when younger who had a very hot husband and was always sending pics of him topless at the beach and so on. Ok we get it lol, you married a hottie and we’re happy but stop giving us the eye candy it’s weird 😂


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would not give anybody my password. you can certainly add yourself as a user or she can as a guest and then you can use your own password. She obviously wants some privacy as most people do. you say you were about to start snooping but you already have been. if you've been doing this snooping for quite a while as you say you've asked her several times, her being covert could be nothing but her rebelling against your trying to breach her privacy. of course if she is doing something she can do that with or without Snapchat or a computer. And maybe she is. Anyone who wants to have an affair can reach out and meet somebody in 20 minutes time and have it over in another 10 minutes. Just try to remember that monitoring someone can't stop them if they're having an affair.
> 
> If you are prepared to act on it if she's having an affair with a divorce then by all means hire a private detective. But I really don't like people looking at other people's private stuff unless they've already been proven to be cheating and are trying to repair the trust which is very rare.
> 
> ...


I wish so badly I’d have started snooping when I got that first inkling (that I immediately ignored and excused) that my WH was doing something bad. 

I say do all the snooping, do it on the down low, and do as many different versions of snooping as possible.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Waggs said:


> She has to have control over Bill's, kids, shopping. I have worked our whole marriage 12 hour shifts 5 to 6 days a week


These long hours of yours...

I get it, you are making ends meet.

And, it is the overtime hours, where you make serious money at _time-and-a-half_.
Unfortunate, but true.

This gives your wife a lot of time to get in trouble, with an emotional affair, or worse.
This, even with the children pulling her in many directions.

I am not saying she is doing this, just that she could with that much (apart) time on her hands.

What are the ages of the children, their status, with regard to school, and this crazy lock down period.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I mean, I let my husband onto my work laptop, but I haven't given him the password, maybe I should...you're making me feel bad about that now. But...other than work stuff, I have my spiritual stuff on there (not bad stuff) which he doesn't like, so that's more or less why he doesn't ask for the laptop, he doesn't want to know lol. 

Sometimes I go on social media, and he gets mad, but I do post my husband's pics on it, even though he isn't thrilled about it. He occasionally checks my private messages, which is fine and he has the password to my phone. 

Are you tech savvy? Sometimes when I swipe through pics (that's how a lot of social media is set up), my husband will think I'm hiding something from him, or that I'm changing screens. Then when I show him what I'm doing, and how that aspect works, he quiets down. Then he forgets, and the next time, it's the same story...lol. 

Just make sure that she is texting and changing screens. But yeah, she shouldn't be not willing to share what she is doing, that is odd to me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Waggs said:


> Love life was the same. recently shes wanted a little kinkier sex.


That could be a sign she's learning new stuff from some else or that she's in an EA that has her hot and bothered.
Problem with the ladder, is that once it goes PA, you will be cut off. Either way, you have enough red flags to justify snooping. There is no privacy in a marriage. Your wife would have the same right to snoop on you if the reverse were true.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

What she is doing is wrong. Of course she is hiding something. My wife had an emotional affair on Facebook with an old friend. She hid it from me, chatted with him when I went to bed, while I was at work. It wasn't until I confronted her that I saw her chat messages (most were deleted - you could tell by where the first one left off). At first she denied everything. Then came the trickle truth and slowly it all came out. She even denied calling him and then said she forgot she did call him. Twice! How can you forget talking on the phone with a guy you used to like in high school?

That wasn't the only guy. From that point on all our electronic devices became open to each other to trust but verify. If you are married that is the way it should be. If you have nothing to hide it's no big deal. Tell her you are having suspicions and to ease your mind demand that she open up all her devices for you. Do it right then and there - don't give her a chance to delete anything. If she does not agree to this then you know she is doing something behind your back.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.
Privacy is closing the door to the toilet when having a dump.
Secrecy is not sharing passwords because you are being untrustworthy.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

My wife has all my passwords and codes. The only thing she doesn't have is access to a special laptop I use for IT security work with my clients, as there is sensitive information on there, but that system is obviously not used for persona stuff like social media, etc.

My phone is routinely left out, and she knows the PIN. She could simply go through it while I am in the shower --but she won't find anything. I could do the same with her stuff. We trust each other.

What happens when you ask your wife who she is texting? What does she say?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> I wish so badly I’d have started snooping when I got that first inkling (that I immediately ignored and excused) that my WH was doing something bad.
> 
> I say do all the snooping, do it on the down low, and do as many different versions of snooping as possible.


As soon as you lose trust, the marriage is over anyway. And it simply isn't always the other person although it very well may be in this instance. But many times it's just someone who has insecurity issues and can never trust someone or someone who would cheat if they were in a position to do so and projects that on to their mate who isn't like that. That's why my approach is be ready to divorce and hire a private investigator so you really know for sure. but once that trust is gone he's always going to believe she's cheating. And for all we know that could just be him being jealous and insecure and unable to understand anything in between or anything that isn't sexual. He may as well just go ahead and divorce.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> As soon as you lose trust, the marriage is over anyway. And it simply isn't always the other person although it very well may be in this instance. But many times it's just someone who has insecurity issues and can never trust someone or someone who would cheat if they were in a position to do so and projects that on to their mate who isn't like that. That's why my approach is be ready to divorce and hire a private investigator so you really know for sure. but once that trust is gone he's always going to believe she's cheating. And for all we know that could just be him being jealous and insecure and unable to understand anything in between or anything that isn't sexual. He may as well just go ahead and divorce.


I don’t think suspicion is losing trust, I think it’s not blindly trusting to begin with, and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that blindly trusting ANYONE will get you stomped upon. When a persons behaviors change, I think it’s your obligation and duty to protect your emotional safety and find out what is happening. Don’t act shady and you won’t get shaded.

Suspicious activity SHOULD be met with equal parts suspicion.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> I don’t think suspicion is losing trust, I think it’s not blindly trusting to begin with, and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that blindly trusting ANYONE will get you stomped upon. When a persons behaviors change, I think it’s your obligation and duty to protect your emotional safety and find out what is happening. Don’t act shady and you won’t get shaded.
> 
> Suspicious activity SHOULD be met with equal parts suspicion.


I get that, and I don't trust ANYBODY about anything, but I'm going to stick my neck out and say that at least half of suspicious monitoring people are suspicious because of their own pathology and their own ethics. For example, men who always think about cheating if they could get away with it often project that onto their love interest because they assume everyone thinks like them and shares their ethics, but they don't. Further example, my dad was always suspicious of my mother who never left the friggin house and had no interest in cheating or even sex after a certain age. I used his razor to shave my legs for the first time and he attacked my mother, certain she had some man over there using his razor! Why? Because he thought about sex all the time and it was a different time when he knew consequences could be dire but if he had a way to get away with cheating, he would have and I'm sure did at times. He thought she was of the same mindset, but she was anything but. That's just being dumb about psychology, honestly. If you have someone who is always suspicious about you and you know you're not a cheater, he/she probably is.

But there are even more people who are insecure and have so many fears because of it that they can never trust anyone and feel they have to monitor them and just ruin the relationship because of their own insecurities. The problem is complex, but one scenario that is true is they are reliant on the relationship for their own feeling of being whole or being okay. They are using it as a crutch for their own self-worth because they don't feel worthy enough inside to just leave the door open like a confident person and figure, Hell, if she turns out not to be who I hoped she'd be, I'll be fine alone or I'll just find another. Yes, that's what confident people are like. They accept reality that if it doesn't work out because of the other person's failings, best to find out sooner than later and let it go and get on with life. Many insecure people don't even really feel they deserve good treatment deep down, so they are always on the lookout.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I agree with most on here. Something is off. I would find a way to use the laptop. There are ways to have the password reset without deleting the content/data connected to the user account.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Waggs said:


> Love life was the same. recently shes wanted a little kinkier sex.


This is another red flag. Always be wary of behavioral changes.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> A mom with four kids and cheating?
> 
> That is uncommon.
> 
> ...


I have a buddy who is married and has five children. He never once cheated on his wife, treats her like a queen, makes good money, etc.

Couple years ago he came down with cancer, and has been very sick. 

The same day he found out his cancer was terminal, his wife told him "I am having an affair, and I want a divorce. I didn't sign on to be a nurse, and I'm unhappy"

so not as uncommon as you think


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

That's sad but there are people who just aren't very good at handling other people's problems. That's the sort of thing you need to find out before you get married too.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you don’t start by taking action - action to find out what’s real - you’re bound to be taken for a longer ride by her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Waggs said:


> That's the issue she wo t give up any passwords


Key logger.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Waggs said:


> I have always been the one to bring in enough money to live comfortably she has worked here and their but nothing full time. Shes busy with the 4 kids all day. I understand of having privacy but when she deliberately keeps me out of camera frame when posting on snapchat even on family outings is what got me wondering and have a bad gut feeling.



You pay all the bills and she treats you like ****!!!

All you are to her is a paycheck. 

You’re replaceable. 

Tell her she needs to get a job. That your tired of being the third wheel and thinking marriage counseling might be needed. If not, divorce is fine as well. That you deserve to be with someone that isn’t ashamed to be seen with you. 

Read No More Mr Nice guy. 

Something isn’t right. She might even have a OF account or something similar.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My wife and I have always had each other’s passwords and log in info. Never had anything to hide. 

Privacy is one thing. Your not touching my things is something completely out of the norm. 

Has she always been this way with her laptop and phone?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

On some level I can understand not giving the password but she should still be wiling to log you in to pay the mortgage. I'm more concerned about her going out of her way to exclude the husband from the videos she presumably posts. 

I may be tempted to use a key logger but by the time to get to that level of snooping & distrust the marriage is already over so why bother? 

I'd sit her down & talk about how her actions in excluding you from the videos & her on line life hurt & ask her if there is something going on. Maybe she'll open up. Maybe she will lie & gaslight but at least you will have a version of events from her perspective. How old are the 4 kids? Can you ask them their observations? 

Something is definitely off here. Whether it has progressed to full blown cheating I don't know but I do see a marriage in trouble.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Agree except for the tell her how if hurts to be excluded. Just sounds pathetic for a guy to wine about it. She knows she is excluding him. She has a reason for it and it isn’t a nice one.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Also, start paying the bills yourself. Find out we’re your money is going. Don’t get caught with your pants down kind of thing.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Agree except for the tell her how if hurts to be excluded. Just sounds pathetic for a guy to wine about it. She knows she is excluding him. She as a reason for it and it isn’t a nice one.


So how would you open the conversation? If he doesn't tell her that he's hurting, how is she supposed to know? She may be seeking some affirmation that he cares. Men not talking about their feelings for fear of looking weak are annoying. IMO that type of man presents as emotionally closed off & the women in life life wonder if anything they do, good or bad, registers.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> So how would you open the conversation? If he doesn't tell her that he's hurting, how is she supposed to know? She may be seeking some affirmation that he cares. Men not talking about their feelings for fear of looking weak are annoying. IMO that type of man presents as emotionally closed off & the women in life life wonder if anything they do, good or bad, registers.



I would ask why is she purposefully excluding me from the photos. Am I so hideous that she is scared I would break her phone. Or is there someone she wanting them to think she is single. 

I could really careless if I was in the photos or not. The problem is she is excluding OP on purpose. 

I know my wife would be hurt if I did that to her. It might just be the way guy and girls look at it. There was a wife on here or another site that was complaining that her husband was never in any of the family photos. Just refused to be.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Waggs said:


> I have always been the one to bring in enough money to live comfortably she has worked here and their but nothing full time. Shes busy with the 4 kids all day. I understand of having privacy but when she deliberately keeps me out of camera frame when posting on snapchat even on family outings is what got me wondering and have a bad gut feeling.


And that in itself is 100% correct if you to observe and be upset about. 
ever get on Facebook and some lady you know is constantly posting pics of herself and her new bf, telling everyone she knows how wonderful he is? That’s what women do. She’s posting pics of her and the kids. She wants to brag about them. Just not you.

she doesn’t want her AP seeing you or someone she’s hoping shows interest.

she’s treating her phone and laptop like the ring of power.... guarding it at all times? Well yeah— she’s cheating.

the most reliable method for determining if you’re wife is cheating? If you are wondering—- she is. 99.9% accurate.
If you post on a forum you think she might be? Nearly metaphysical certitude that she is. 

cheaters lie. Don’t confront without irrefutable proof. Ever. Never give up your sources either.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Waggs said:


> Love life was the same. recently shes wanted a little kinkier sex.


Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

ok, I’ll bet you next months salary if you do something looking, you’ll find new lingerie or panties hidden somewhere that YOU have never seen her wear. 
Purchase date: around the time that kinkier sex started. Cheaters live to send sexy pics to their online AP’s.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> A mom with four kids and cheating?
> 
> *That is uncommon.*
> 
> ...


awww mannnnnn. SunC Mars. I’m surprised at you. He’s worked 12 hrs a day 6 days a week for years, and she’s at home bored and feeling lonely and then there’s this thing called the internet where millions of men are just waiting to pounce on a willing lady to go after???

This is an ideal situation for cheating, nowadays.

I think I can tell him what she’s going to say, nearly word for word, when he gets evidence and confronts.

“you haven’t given me any attention”
“I felt like I was raising the kids alone”
“I was lonely”
“All you do is work”
“He made me feel pretty again”
“You never give me any compliments”

and my personal fav: “You take me for granted”.

Ugh


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Waggs said:


> Love life was the same. recently shes wanted a little kinkier sex.


If her kinkier side has* unexpectedly *and recently made an appearance it is usually a sign of sex with someone outside the marriage. She is passing the time with you. Using you to scratch the itch she feels for someone else and practice up on her new skill set until the next session with her other, the true source and beneficiary of her kinkier side.

Hire a PI and get documented proof. Also consider purchasing a few VAR voice activated recorders. Leave one in her vehicle, by the computer she uses, etc.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> awww mannnnnn. SunC Mars. I’m surprised at you. He’s worked 12 hrs a day 6 days a week for years, and she’s at home bored and feeling lonely and then there’s this thing called the internet where millions of men are just waiting to pounce on a willing lady to go after???
> 
> This is an ideal situation for cheating, nowadays.
> 
> ...


Sarcasm at its finest


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I guess we will all just have to learn how to tell people what they want to hear 🙄.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Waggs said:


> I have always been the one to bring in enough money to live comfortably she has worked here and their but nothing full time. Shes busy with the 4 kids all day. I understand of having privacy but when she deliberately keeps me out of camera frame when posting on snapchat even on family outings is what got me wondering and have a bad gut feeling.


Again, if she’s not putting you in the snaps, and she’s sending pics of her and the kids, she might just be messaging other mums. We just don’t snap the husbands... we’re all a little scared our friends might drool and don’t want to show them off to other women. 😂 I don’t use Snapchat much, only with mums who also have kids. 

If she’s doing snaps with kids, she’s probably not selling that package to another guy, she’d be sending solo selfies 😉

So are there family photos of you together on social media? I haven’t caught up with the other posts, so I’m sorry if you already answered my question


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another thing I forgot to add, why we don’t message other mums with pics of our husband - you don’t know what the husband on the other end is going to think. ‘Why do you have so many pics of so and so’s hubby, why is she sending you these. So there’s that. So I’m mindful that pics of my husband that go to my mum friends will end up in their phone. We just don’t do this. 

Facebook, Instagram, I will post solo pictures of him, couple pictures and family photos. 

Let us know if your picture features on her other social media sites.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree this is worth investigating. If she’s into more kinky stuff it could be as simple as she’s started watching porn and doesn’t want you to know. Most woman are pretty shy about that. It’s not always an affair but it’s always wrong to bury your head in the sand.

When I was married we each at each other’s passwords because they were all the same. The beginning of the end was when I tried to use his computer for something and the password had changed. BF and I know each other’s phone passwords and since my laptop has no financial stuff on it and stays at his house I don’t use a password on it so he has total access. Of course, if he thought I was cheating he’d need help from people here on how to find anything. Not a tech guy at all. LOL

I have Snapchat and I’m definitely not a cheater. I use it with my kids. We have fun sending each other fun stuff. When I was married I rarely posted pictures of my ex alone...it would be pictures of both of us or the family. But we kept our relationship off of Facebook for the most part...no gushing posts about each other or anniversaries, etc. BF and I are the same way.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Waggs said:


> She has to have control over Bill's, kids, shopping. I have worked our whole marriage 12 hour shifts 5 to 6 days a week


change this. Put her on a tight budget (one where you pay a weekly amount to her for essentials) - pay the bills yourself.
Start putting money into accounts with your name only.
Tell her to find full time work so she can start paying the mortgage and other bills towards running the house.

as far as what someone else said - my former sister in law was busy with 4 young kids and still managed to have several affairs - nice “Christian woman” she claimed to be. So maybe they get bored - and want ego strokes.
If she would start working - you may not have to work so much. You could potentially spend some time with her and your kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4 kids and a cheating, stay at home wife is about the best recipe for the ruination of a man’s life as there is.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

This ties into a bigger issue involving controlling wives and men who are treated like children within the context of marriage. Guys who want another Mommy

Examples from my own life:

A buddy of mine has a Japanese wife, and she is paranoid about money. So much so, that he has zero control of the finances, and doesn't even have the PIN to his own ATM card. She checks the credit card charges daily to see if he has put anything on the cards. When he goes out-of-town, she gives him an envelope of cash. 

Another buddy of mine is a guy I like to game with. Once a week, we were meeting with 4-5 other guys, mostly young dudes, to play board games, RPGs, whatever. We would hang out in my buddy's basement for a few hours and have fun.

His wife has barred anyone from the home because of COVID-19. None of us are in any kind of risk group, and the governor in my state has re-opened restaurants and bars. There are no restrictions in terms of family gatherings, and the positivity rate, hospitalization rate, etc. has been plummeting for 3 months. We have a high vaccination rate.

Doesn't matter: the wife says _we_ can't get back together until COVID-19 is literally gone, and 100% of the country is vaccinated. 

When I ask him about this, he says "well, if one of us got sick, she would never forgive me ..."

JUST STOP

Men indulging in their wives neurotic and controlling behavior, and failing to stick up for themselves is a big problem in our culture. Guys who will not take the lead, show some backbone, etc.

My wife gives me lots of freedom, and I give her lots. She respects my space, and I respect her's. It is part of having a good marriage


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So you literally work12 hours a day 6 days a week - and she doesn’t work...and rewards your hard work ethic by cutting you out of her life? Replacing you possibly with someone else - disrespecting you by not showing you basic passwords to accomplish paying the mortgage?

dude! You have handed her WAY way too much of YOUR power in the marriage!

how can you not feel used and abused? You’re a workhorse and she is taking advantage in several areas of your life together!

start making life tough for her! She is like a spoiled teenager treating you like poop!
Make it stop!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What changes are you making?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think the OP has left the building.


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

WorriedWife19 said:


> It certainly sounds as if she is doing something. If she is texting and changing screens and wont allow you access to her laptop it certainly is very suspicious. Have you ever outright asked her who she is texting? Or if she is seeing anyone else behind your back?


I know shes not seeing anyone else


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Waggs said:


> I know shes not seeing anyone else


Yeah, right ....

Thanks for "updating" us.


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Again, if she’s not putting you in the snaps, and she’s sending pics of her and the kids, she might just be messaging other mums. We just don’t snap the husbands... we’re all a little scared our friends might drool and don’t want to show them off to other women. 😂 I don’t use Snapchat much, only with mums who also have kids.
> 
> If she’s doing snaps with kids, she’s probably not selling that package to another guy, she’d be sending solo selfies 😉
> 
> So are there family photos of you together on social media? I haven’t caught up with the other posts, so I’m sorry if you already answered my question


She does have fb and Instagram that we are all in but just not the snapchat. I did tell her to let me see her snapchat and she deleted it right away. Kinda fishy. Ever since then we have started to drift apart. Like roommates almost


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Waggs said:


> She does have fb and Instagram that we are all in but just not the snapchat. I did tell her to let me see her snapchat and she deleted it right away. Kinda fishy. Ever since then we have started to drift apart. Like roommates almost


There are red flags with this ALL OVER the place. You say you "know" there is nobody else, then why the instant delete of snapchats?


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## Waggs (Mar 11, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> There are red flags with this ALL OVER the place. You say you "know" there is nobody else, then why the instant delete of snapchats?


I can't answer that. But I do know her schedule from front to back. Shes with family 99% of the time


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

It seems to me the only reason to delete her Snapchat when you asked to see it, was because she has something to hide. Something on there she doesn't want you to see. If nothing to hide she would have let you look. Big red sorry to say 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Waggs said:


> I can't answer that. But I do know her schedule from front to back. Shes with family 99% of the time


She could have an online buddy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Waggs said:


> I can't answer that. But I do know her schedule from front to back. Shes with family 99% of the time


So it may not be a Physical affair (yet) -- could just be an EA (Emotional Affair). Also, when there is a will, there is a way.
"Honey I have to go to the store" and maybe an extra 10 minutes than normal... all she needs. Read up here -- there are lots of stories like this, sorry to say.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Waggs said:


> She does have fb and Instagram that we are all in but just not the snapchat. I did tell her to let me see her snapchat and she deleted it right away. Kinda fishy.


She can re-capture it as quick as she deleted it. "Whatcha hiding sweetheart?" If she replies -nothing-

then show it to me. I would tell you to "Hand me your device or I will see a lawyer tomorrow morning" but.....

4 kids, SAHM, you have good job.... she will take you to the cleaners.

Just like E58 stated.... she has nothing to lose by cheating, or attempting to.


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