# Ashamed...



## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

My husband and I have been married 7 1/2 years. Everything was fine until we couldn't have kids. Everything has been absolutely downhill from that. 
In a nutshell he's very controlling, quiet, reserved, caring, loving & thoughtful. I'm outgoing, opinionanted, adveturous, spontaneous, etc.
We used to have fun together. Now it seems more and more like I'm trapped. I feel like his calm demeanor has dulled my spunk. When we do go out, it is still very boring. We have opposite schedules so we don't see each other very much. We don't have sex anymore. I think after the kid thing we both aren't interested. 
SO! With his lack of effort and attention and me being an absolutely terrible person. I actually had an affair with a co-worker. I absolutely cannot believe what I've done. He was cheated on before and it nearly ruined him. I know that I'm a horrible, terrible person and deserve every horrible thing coming my way, but I have absolutely no intention of telling him. I feel like my only choice now is to leave. I feel like our marriage is beyond repair (especially now) and that confessing would not only break his heart but smash it into pieces. I know I'm a coward for not wanting to tell him but I'd rather leave his heart broken and not completely obliterated.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

You seem very sure of yourself and your decision...so why come on this board?


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> My husband and I have been married 7 1/2 years. Everything was fine until we couldn't have kids. Everything has been absolutely downhill from that.
> In a nutshell he's very controlling, quiet, reserved, caring, loving & thoughtful. I'm outgoing, opinionanted, adveturous, spontaneous, etc.
> We used to have fun together. Now it seems more and more like I'm trapped. I feel like his calm demeanor has dulled my spunk. When we do go out, it is still very boring. We have opposite schedules so we don't see each other very much. We don't have sex anymore. I think after the kid thing we both aren't interested.
> SO! With his lack of effort and attention and me being an absolutely terrible person. I actually had an affair with a co-worker. I absolutely cannot believe what I've done. He was cheated on before and it nearly ruined him. I know that I'm a horrible, terrible person and deserve every horrible thing coming my way, but I have absolutely no intention of telling him. I feel like my only choice now is to leave. I feel like our marriage is beyond repair (especially now) and that confessing would not only break his heart but smash it into pieces. I* know I'm a coward for not wanting to tell him but I'd rather leave his heart broken and not completely obliterated*.


will u be a coward or honest?
if you leave him unfairly, be careful someday karma will find you.

when you be with someone someday, be careful that this will happen to you.

sorry for your husband not you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I agree - is there a question in there? 

A couple of questions: Are you still seeing the OM? Do intend to divorce your H to pursue a relationship with the OM?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Ah yes, the "controlling" phrase.
Well, SOMEONE HAD TO BE IN CONTROL RIGHT???
If you had problems in your marriage, what kept you from seeking help as opposed to another mans bed?
I love to hear the cheaters talk about how "horrible, terrible person I am",, and then comes the "BUT," ..
incredulous. 
I am sorry for your kids.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

I'm not seeing the OM anymore. I have struggled with leaving for the OM, but I really think I should just be alone. My husband is a great guy; I'm the terrible one. I obviously have no business being in a relationship at all.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

Actually husband refused counceling several times....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Ah yes, the "controlling" phrase.
> Well, SOMEONE HAD TO BE IN CONTROL RIGHT???
> If you had problems in your marriage, what kept you from seeking help as opposed to another mans bed?
> I love to hear the cheaters talk about how "horrible, terrible person I am",, and then comes the "BUT," ..
> ...


Doesn't seem that they had kids. That's where their relationship seemed to fall apart. 

To the OP... If you can honestly say that there's no hope for your marriage, then there's no point in telling your husband about what you did. Just end the marriage and let him get on with his life. Just my $0.02 worth. But don't bother to drag it on any further... You'll just make things worse. Either confess to the affair and work on rebuilding, or end it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> I*'m not seeing the OM anymore. I have struggled with leaving for the OM, but I really think I should just be alone.* My husband is a great guy; I'm the terrible one. I obviously have no business being in a relationship at all.


well, are you sure for this. not trying to offend you. but i am not sure you will not go back to the OM. 

but if you can be alone in your life that would be good.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

things dont add up, was it like a one night stand thing? or emotional then physical, what made you relise what you done is wrong now?


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

and you already said that you rather leave him with broken hearted without knowing the real cause. 

no problem,it is your choice. as voiceofreason asked you. what for you come to this forum as you already made decision. you seem not need for advices.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

I really want to be alone but you're right. I have struggled with being with the OM.... I really need to be alone though.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well - my standard advice to someone contemplating leaving a marriage is this. If it's bad enough that you are willing to leave and go sleep in a bed alone with no one to stroke your ego or make you feel better then maybe you should leave. If, however, you have to have a warm body next to you to console you in order to leave, then maybe it's more about you and you need to reconsider. 

It sounds like you've made up your mind. It also sounds like you're trying to impale yourself on the sword of guilt rather than facing what you've done. If your H is such a great guy and deep down you love him how can you summarily call the marriage over and bail. That is the act of a coward. What you did was bad, yes, but what you do now is what will really define your character. If you tell your H will it crush him, for sure. But he may be able to forgive you and it may be the catalyst needed for the two of you to work on and improve your marriage together. You need to face what you have done, for your H and for yourself. You cannot grow from the mistakes you make unless you take ownership of them and accept the consequences. Only in owning our bad decisions can we use them to become a better person. 

You have done what you have regardless of what you tell your H. Lie to him and tell him your leaving for some other reason or tell him the truth, he's lied to either way and he's crushed either way. At this point the truth is about you. Character is what we do when no one is looking. 

If you elect to tell him do him this one favor. Tell him the whole truth the first time - all of it - no matter how much it hurts him or embarrasses you. This is so critical. It is the end of lying and the beginning of the truth. You only get one shot at it and it is the single most important thing at your H being able to forgive you and having any chance of reconciling. 

Oh, and for what it's worth, I was the cheating spouse in my marriage and my wife and i are now very successfully reconciling. Just so you know my perspective.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

I've been thinking about trying to work all the other stuff out. He is a great guy but after what I've done, isn't the only option to leave? I regret it but by being with someone else, haven't I made my choice? I don't feel like if I did confess that he would want to work things out or attempt to forgive me at all.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If your mind is made up, just go. I don't see how telling him what you've done will help. 

But like others said, I don't know why you're posting here if your mind really is made up. is the queastions whether to tell him or not in the process of leaving? If that is your question, you will get split opinions on this. I'd say IF you are leaving AND not going to the OM (I doubt it, btw... you're clearly on the fence, and once "alone" I;'d bet you do go to him... and then find out the cold splash of reality isn't so refreshing when the fantasy/forbiddenness is removed), then there's no good to come of telling him. 

if you are going to the OM, I think you then owe it to hubby to tell him what you've done, because he will have that question and the least you can do then is be honest now, so he doesn't have lingering question of "was she with him when she was still married to me?".....


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> I've been thinking about trying to work all the other stuff out. He is a great guy but after what I've done, isn't the only option to leave? I regret it but by being with someone else, haven't I made my choice? I don't feel like if I did confess that he would want to work things out or attempt to forgive me at all.


NO. If you look back now and say to yourself honestly you'd LIKE to try & work it out with hubby, then you tell him the truth (and to sigma's point -- the WHOLE truth), tell him you're remorseful and sorry and willing to do anything to try and re-gain hist trust and love and your marriage, and you then let HIM make the choice. 

You've made bad choices. Now making the final one FOR him seems very wrong. He may still choose for you to leave... but it sure would be nice to let him make the choice. You might also be very surprised.........


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> In a nutshell he's very controlling, quiet, reserved, caring, loving & thoughtful. I'm outgoing, opinionanted, adveturous, spontaneous, etc.
> .


SO, you're not going to tell your husband you cheated on him.

Okay, so you're going to leave him believing that if he was loud and more spontanious and less controling; then you two would still be together. Leaving him feeling that EVERYTHING was his fault. Always wondering what he could have done better to make you happy. He found out that he couldn't have children. Don't you think that, that had an affect on him? Don't you think that, that news could have made him depressed and felt less than a man (unfounded and not realistic but still devastating).

Just be honest with yourself. You KNOW you hurt a good man, he might be boring, but still a good man. You are ashamed at what you've done and you rather run and not tell him the truth due to YOUR own guilt.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> I've been thinking about trying to work all the other stuff out. He is a great guy but after what I've done, isn't the only option to leave? I regret it but by being with someone else, haven't I made my choice? I don't feel like if I did confess that he would want to work things out or attempt to forgive me at all.


he better leave you, prior your affair. he has to be with someone 
who will not cheat.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> I've been thinking about trying to work all the other stuff out. He is a great guy but after what I've done, isn't the only option to leave? I regret it but by being with someone else, haven't I made my choice? I don't feel like if I did confess that he would want to work things out or attempt to forgive me at all.


 You made the choice to cheat. You made the choice to break your vows and have sex with someone else. Doesn't he get the choice to either stay and try to work it out or to leave? 

I mean, if he chooses to leave, well....that's his choice. Plus, you said you want to be alone right now anyways. So, you get what you want and he gets the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am usually all for the disloyal telling the betrayed of the affair but in this case, I agree with Pbear:



PBear said:


> .
> If you can honestly say that there's no hope for your marriage, then there's no point in telling your husband about what you did. Just end the marriage and let him get on with his life.
> 
> Either confess to the affair and work on rebuilding, or end it.


:iagree:

If you are done, be done, file and move on with your life. Don't string him along or hurt him further. It's cruel.

If you want out it should be because you're done, not because of OM.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

If you're sure you're done and not committed to saving the marriage if he wants to once he knows about the A, I agree with PBear, mea culpa to being a person that shouldn't be married, it's all your fault, and get out, and don't tell him about the A.

What you shouldn't do under any circumstances is tell him, see if he's willing to work through it, and THEN leave for the OM or some other reason.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

He does deserve to know the truth. This is the one thing he said he would never forgive me for so I doubt he'll want to 'work it out' but I can't leave him wondering and blaming himself for the rest of his life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so you want to tell him or you don't? You are contradicting yourself. At first you said you didn't want to tell, now you are saying you don't want him blaming himself.

Pick your poison. Stringing him along if you want out is the coldest thing you can do to him, IMO. And cowardly.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Xiolablu said:


> He does deserve to know the truth. This is the one thing he said he would never forgive me for so I doubt he'll want to 'work it out' but I can't leave him wondering and blaming himself for the rest of his life.


While you may certainly be right - don't bet on it or go into it thinking that way. There are lots of people on here who will tell you they swore the same thing - until it happened to them.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you are still being intimate with your husband then you both need to be checked for STD's. I am assuming you had unprotected sex. If this is true that your husband has every right to know and to protect himself. It is not just all about you. Good luck.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am usually all for the disloyal telling the betrayed of the affair but in this case, I agree with Pbear:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Except for the health factor, I agree. I doubt you used protection with your affair partner. I don't know why, but that appears to be the norm. Therefore, your husband thinks he has only been with you sexually for the past 7 years or so. In actuality, he has been with you, OM, every woman OM has been with, every man they have been with, and so on and so on. Therefore, there is a good possibility you gave your husband a gift from the OM. IF you go the route of not telling your husband, at least get tested for STD's. If anything comes back positive, you at least owe it to him to tell him then.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Xiolablu,
You seem to be extremely hard on yourself. You keep talking about how terrible of a person you are. You made a terrible mistake. This does not make you a terrible person. 

It sounds like you have your decision made to talk to him about this affair. Whether he chooses to be with you or work it out after that is up to him. Whether you are honest or not about it is up to you, but it sounds like you are leaning towards telling him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hhonestly you are just here looking for validation of your horrible choices. 

You keep mentioning going permanently with the OM. So I really suspect what you want from us is to tell you to run off from your husband like a coward to the OM and that this is ok 

Well it's not. 

You owed it to your vows to be faithful you failed at that by choosing to cheat and continue to cheat. 

Now you also want to run out of your responsibilty to be honest with your husband 

Lady, it's time to accept responsibility in your life and your choices 

Tell him. 

If you want to stay with him tell bin that too

Oh and stop cheating eitherway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Xiolablu, you need to do what you believe is the right thing for you, but he deserves the absolute truth. You cannot make his decisions for him, but you can yours, he has been betrayed once before, when he finds out you betrayed his trust too, he will undoubtedly hurt real bad, and as he's gone through this he's learned what he is willing to take and what he isn't willing to. By withholding the truth you are not protecting him - what is done is done and if he is the great person you say he is why would you choose to prolong the amount of pain he will inevitably face?

When my cheating W left in order to pursue her affair, the adultery stung but the rejection of being left and her inability to even give me the truth hurt many times more. If she didn't tell me, and without knowing the reason she left me that pain of rejection would probably lasted indefinitely.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You know that people always say they will leave if cheated on.... Most of them don't leave.. 

You do need to tell him even if you decide to leave, he will always wonder why you left him and will more then likely never get over it... You made the choice to sleep with another man, now it is time that you take full responsibility for your actions. TELL him. He has the right to know. Especially if you didn't use protection.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Seems like projection and trying to justify bad behavior to me....


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I've read all the posts here so far. Some of the insight, sharing and advice are incredible. 

It seems to me Xiolablu, that the more you understand why you've made the choices you have so far, the better able you will be to make the next choices "right", with your husband.


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