# Hi - No Intimacy from wife who is reluctant to talk



## Rob675

I guess this is a recurring story but here goes. I've been married to my wife to 9 years and we've been together 15 years. For most of that everything has been great until the arrival of our son 6 years ago. After that things got difficult and we ended up in a bit of a rut with no intimacy between us and infrequent sex.

Things came to a head a little while back when I caught my wife sexting a co-worker. I pretty much blew up at this and although I'm convinced I caught this early and nothing else happened I'm still pretty sick about it. 

One good thing that came out of this is that we did a lot of taking and I found out a lot of things I didn't know about. I should point out that my wife doesn't normally talk about problems so this was the first time we really talked because I was heading for the door. Anyway I had discovered she felt I was uninterested in her for a number of reasons and I have worked very hard to own this problem and be a better husband. From what I can tell my wife seems to be happier now and my efforts seem to be working

The problem was/am unhappy too because of a lack of intimacy between us. We are having more sex now but its really duty sex which is pretty hollow and unfulfilling. For example I'm not really allowed to touch my wife anywhere and she wont kiss - its all over very quickly although she does seem to enjoy it while we're doing it. she absolutely wont initiate though. Outside of the bedroom its a similar story - no hugging or touch etc. We used to be very affectionate so I've found this hard.

I brought this up again recently and my wife said I put too much importance on intimacy and shes not really into it. So me its the very foundation of marriage (and previously our relationship) so I don't understand this position. Between the sexting incident, the lack of my wife's interest in my my ego is pretty crushed and I feel profoundly lonely.

I'm not sure where to go from here. My wife wont engage in any real conversation on the problem and counselling/therapy is out for her at least as she refuses to go. Everything else in our lives is good and I still love my wife but I cant go on as things are.

I need some new ideas on what to do next


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## notmyjamie

Have you told your wife that this lack of true intimacy and affection is a deal breaker for you and that you don't feel loved by her? Does she really know that by telling you it's not important she's telling you that YOU aren't important and you don't want to stay married to someone who views you that way? Does she know you might end the marriage over it?

She might agree to counseling if she thinks her marriage is on the line. I think an awful lot of women just don't understand how important sex, intimacy, and affection are for men even when their husband tells them. It's not until the D word comes out that they start to understand. This happened with friends of mine. There was no sex or affection until he flat out said "If things continue this way, I will fall out of love with you and then I will want a divorce." Once she realized how important it was to him she made real changes in order to fix the problem. She wanted her marriage but had closed off the intimacy/affection portion for some reason. She worked hard to bring it back and things improved. I know things still aren't perfect but he says they're "good enough" and gets balanced out everything else about the marriage that is good. I never did hear what her issues are and it's not my business but she was able to work on them to improve things.


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## Mr.Married

notmyjamie said:


> Have you told your wife that this lack of true intimacy and affection is a deal breaker for you and that you don't feel loved by her? Does she really know that by telling you it's not important she's telling you that YOU aren't important and you don't want to stay married to someone who views you that way? Does she know you might end the marriage over it?
> .


This, exactly this, and all of this !!!!

Remaining in your current situation will rot your soul from the inside out.

While not to the level your experiencing I had some of this in my marriage when the kids were young (no sexting stuff either). I made it VERY clear this is not what I signed up for in marriage and things resolved very quickly.

Now with that said: Do you still date and pursue your wife? Do you make her feel wanted .... If not then that's on you. 
People get real lazy once paired up. Don't get lazy. 

One more thing: Some women will leave their husband in the dust while they beat the mommy montra drum as loud as they can.


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## MJJEAN

Rob675 said:


> Things came to a head a little while back when I caught my wife sexting a co-worker.
> 
> We are having more sex now but its really duty sex which is pretty hollow and unfulfilling.
> 
> Outside of the bedroom its a similar story - no hugging or touch etc.
> 
> I brought this up again recently and _my wife said I put too much importance on intimacy and shes not really into it_.


Your wife is into intimacy. She is just not into intimacy with _you_.


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## Rob675

My wife definitely doesn't understand the real issue. We've talked many times and she has told me I just needs to ask for sex and she wont turn me down - in reality I know shes just going through the motions to try an keep me happy and the genuine intimacy is lacking. 

I've tried to lay out the issue as clearly as I can but it doesn't seem to be getting through. What confuses me is she is making an effort to keep me happy by making sex available but to be honest I'd prefer a heartfelt hug vs unenthusiastic duty sex. 

We've made some progress lately so I dont want to start raising threats but I do need to get the message across some how.


About making her feel wanted - I was failing here and this is one of the things I've been working on.


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## syhoybenden

Does she still work with her sexting partner co-worker? Could it be that he is still the object of her affections?
If so perhaps she wishes to remain faithful, to him and not you.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

If I were you I would go into detective mode. Read up on the signs your wife is having an affair. A drop off in intimacy, yet she sexts a coworker? Big red flag sir. I would snoop all he electronics for evidence of communication with her AP. I am 99% certain she is currently engaged in an affair. 

You need to take the blinders off and look at this situation logically...AFFAIR for certain.


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## notmyjamie

Rob675 said:


> I've tried to lay out the issue as clearly as I can but it doesn't seem to be getting through. What confuses me is she is making an effort to keep me happy by making sex available but to be honest I'd prefer a heartfelt hug vs unenthusiastic duty sex.
> 
> Have you told her that? I'd tell you that you're noticing her efforts and you appreciate them. Then be honest and say "to me, it's about the expression of love. Sometimes I'd kill for a spontaneous hug from you just so I know you do love me."
> 
> About making her feel wanted - I was failing here and this is one of the things I've been working on.
> 
> By working on it, do you mean you're doing to her the things that make you feel loved or have you asked her and then followed up by doing the things she says make her feel loved. You seem to need physical affection to feel loved. Do you know what she needs? Because if you're not doing the right stuff it won't really help her feel loved at all. I need physical attention too. A lot of guys show their love differently than that so I'd need to tell my partner exactly what I need. Spontaneous hugs, kisses, etc. Nothing makes me feel loved more than a good hug. But your wife might be different.


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## Rob675

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> If I were you I would go into detective mode. Read up on the signs your wife is having an affair. A drop off in intimacy, yet she sexts a coworker? Big red flag sir. I would snoop all he electronics for evidence of communication with her AP. I am 99% certain she is currently engaged in an affair.
> 
> You need to take the blinders off and look at this situation logically...AFFAIR for certain.


Yes, I have already done this and the inappropriate interactions with her co-worker seem to be resolved (I went in pretty hard on this) although I am keeping an eye on it of course. I''m pretty sure the other guy has backed off - lets just say I gave him a bit of a scare and he doesn't want to be meeting me again.

The drop off in intimacy has been a long term problem since the birth of our son so I dont think the texting thing is the root cause.

On thing I have noticed is that my wife wont do things with my that she does with our son and I do wonder if there is some sort of psychological thing going on. For example she'll pick our son up and show affection my hugging and kissing but she wont do the same with my. What she will do is things like spooning in bed so I but she wouldn't turn round face to face as she claims shell get too hot.


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## Rob675

I've been doing things she specifically said she wanted - that is she wanted to me talk more and show more interest in her day etc. I've also been taking her out on dates etc and she does seem to be happier.

I've tried to explain what I want but she hasn't got it yet - its quite difficult to have the conversation though as she'll try and shut it down. She's always been like that and doesn't like to talk about problems like this.


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## notmyjamie

Rob675 said:


> I've been doing things she specifically said she wanted - that is she wanted to me talk more and show more interest in her day etc. I've also been taking her out on dates etc and she does seem to be happier.
> 
> I've tried to explain what I want but she hasn't got it yet - its quite difficult to have the conversation though as she'll try and shut it down. She's always been like that and doesn't like to talk about problems like this.


Well, if you're sure she's not having an affair, I'd be blunt with her and say "I'm working hard to do what you asked for, but you're not doing the same. That needs to change."


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I was in same boat as you, similar circumstances as intimacy dropped to near zero, only to find my FWW in an affair.Thankfully, via MC and IC the spark is back, and at 57 we have what my wife refers to as “rendezvous” at a minimum of three per week. All this wise ol jarhead is trying to tell you is keep your eyes open. There is more going on than you realize. The fact that she sexted a coworker is indicative of that. Be vigilant. Tell her MC or you are going to pull the plug on the marriage. That is the only way you are going to knock her out of the funk.


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## Andy1001

Rob675 said:


> I've been doing things she specifically said she wanted - that is she wanted to me talk more and show more interest in her day etc. I've also been taking her out on dates etc and she does seem to be happier.
> 
> I've tried to explain what I want but she hasn't got it yet - its quite difficult to have the conversation though as she'll try and shut it down. She's always been like that and doesn't like to talk about problems like this.


She knows exactly what you want but she’s not interested. 
If you can, check her internet browsing history and see if she has researched divorce law in your state. Try and find out if she’s been talking to a lawyer. 
And keep an eye on her texting buddy, they may just be hiding their relationship better.


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## dadstartingover

Your wife's emotional affair is proof positive that she DOES have sexual desire, but her needs are not being met within the confines of your marriage.

Marriage and kids can easily kill a wife's libido. The early relationship energy is long gone, and it's been replaced by the comfort, boredom, familiarity and stress of "normal" life. She needs the oomph. She needs that tension.

You have a few avenues to go down:

1. Talk it out. Appeal to her rational side. Keep swatting away her affair partners (trust me, she's not done yet).
2. Work on pleasing her. Do the fixer-upper things that will make her feel appreciated and wanted. Relieve the stress of parentdom.
3. Work on yourself.

Believe it or not, #3 is the only viable option.

You're not alone, obviously. I have written about dead bedrooms. It's one of the two most clicked-on posts of mine. The other is about signs of a cheating wife. That's not a coincidence.

Dissecting Dead Bedrooms


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## badsanta

Rob675 said:


> I've tried to explain what I want but she hasn't got it yet - its quite difficult to have the conversation though as she'll try and shut it down. She's always been like that and doesn't like to talk about problems like this.


If you talk to your wife and complain about the quality of intimacy or the quality of sex, all she will hear is that you think she is inadequate. She will probably shut that down fast because it is a hurtful conversation that might be making her feel rejected. If by chance in the meantime she has caught you watching porn and trying to hide it, that will only serve to make her feel overwhelmingly inadequate. 

Have you ever tried complementing her and working to boost her self confidence?


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## Stormguy2018

Rob675 said:


> I guess this is a recurring story but here goes. I've been married to my wife to 9 years and we've been together 15 years. For most of that everything has been great until the arrival of our son 6 years ago. After that things got difficult and we ended up in a bit of a rut with no intimacy between us and infrequent sex.
> 
> Things came to a head a little while back when I caught my wife sexting a co-worker. I pretty much blew up at this and although I'm convinced I caught this early and nothing else happened I'm still pretty sick about it.
> 
> One good thing that came out of this is that we did a lot of taking and I found out a lot of things I didn't know about. I should point out that my wife doesn't normally talk about problems so this was the first time we really talked because I was heading for the door. Anyway I had discovered she felt I was uninterested in her for a number of reasons and I have worked very hard to own this problem and be a better husband. From what I can tell my wife seems to be happier now and my efforts seem to be working
> 
> The problem was/am unhappy too because of a lack of intimacy between us. We are having more sex now but its really duty sex which is pretty hollow and unfulfilling. For example I'm not really allowed to touch my wife anywhere and she wont kiss - its all over very quickly although she does seem to enjoy it while we're doing it. she absolutely wont initiate though. Outside of the bedroom its a similar story - no hugging or touch etc. We used to be very affectionate so I've found this hard.
> 
> I brought this up again recently and my wife said I put too much importance on intimacy and shes not really into it. So me its the very foundation of marriage (and previously our relationship) so I don't understand this position. Between the sexting incident, the lack of my wife's interest in my my ego is pretty crushed and I feel profoundly lonely.
> 
> I'm not sure where to go from here. My wife wont engage in any real conversation on the problem and counselling/therapy is out for her at least as she refuses to go. Everything else in our lives is good and I still love my wife but I cant go on as things are.
> 
> I need some new ideas on what to do next


Welcome to my world. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice because this is just the way things are with us and I don't see it changing. I feel your pain and sadness.


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## Mr.Married

I don't mean to sound nasty but I think many men don't understand that it can be very likely that they put themselves into this situation. What is more confusing to them is when the think that they WERE giving her what she wanted. I could write a whole page on this but no need .... Kindle is likely loaded with books on it already. Get to reading.


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## Rob675

dadstartingover said:


> Your wife's emotional affair is proof positive that she DOES have sexual desire, but her needs are not being met within the confines of your marriage.
> 
> Marriage and kids can easily kill a wife's libido. The early relationship energy is long gone, and it's been replaced by the comfort, boredom, familiarity and stress of "normal" life. She needs the oomph. She needs that tension.
> 
> You have a few avenues to go down:
> 
> 1. Talk it out. Appeal to her rational side. Keep swatting away her affair partners (trust me, she's not done yet).
> 2. Work on pleasing her. Do the fixer-upper things that will make her feel appreciated and wanted. Relieve the stress of parentdom.
> 3. Work on yourself.
> 
> Believe it or not, #3 is the only viable option.
> 
> You're not alone, obviously. I have written about dead bedrooms. It's one of the two most clicked-on posts of mine. The other is about signs of a cheating wife. That's not a coincidence.



Yes, I have been going though a very similar thought process. In fact I've been working on option 3 for a while - I've really got myself into shape by hitting the gym and am now dressing better etc as well as making other improvements like talking to my wife more. Unfortunately my wife seems to be oblivious to these efforts although I have been picking up compliments from women at work so I cant believe its not noticeable.

I'll read your posts.


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## dadstartingover

badsanta said:


> If you talk to your wife and complain about the quality of intimacy or the quality of sex, all she will hear is that you think she is inadequate. She will probably shut that down fast because it is a hurtful conversation that might be making her feel rejected. If by chance in the meantime she has caught you watching porn and trying to hide it, that will only serve to make her feel overwhelmingly inadequate.
> 
> Have you ever tried complementing her and working to boost her self confidence?


The "talk" does nothing but flagrantly advertise that the man is not attractive. She KNOWS she's not turned on. She would love to BE turned on, but she's not. It's not a choice. Sure, having sex is a choice... having an affair is a choice... but being genuinely turned on is not a choice. 
The man might as well sit her down, start crying, and scream in her face, "I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE! I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE! I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE!" Yes, she knows.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP,

In whatever steps you take be sure and remember you yourself are valuable, important, bring a huge amount of items to this relationship, and it's NOT all about her and you're definitely not solely responsible for present circumstances. 

Once you've communicated your concerns to W clearly, don't keep on repeating yourself ad nauseam everyday. W will only see that as whiny, needy, and unattractive. 

W doesn't sound like she's acting like an adult in her half of the "talk", or, and very likely, she doesn't care enough about your issues to change anything. 

Sadly she is using your stability yet likely still having an EA at minimum or worse. 

She's trying to make you think it's abnormal to have an affectionate wife, don't let her.

Maybe start playing the imagination game; if tragically you didn't have to worry about her cheating, or how to convince her to put you first in the M again, what would your life look like? If a more peaceful frame of mind starts to form, that's something to consider.

It's not all you creating this problem. 

That's the first objective of an SO who may be doing something "wrong" is to make the other feel like it's their fault. As in deflect, obfuscate, anything but take responsibility. 

Her actions are showing you that she doesn't believe you're important enough for her to make changes. Tragically. 

Things can't stay this way forever. You should be prepared mentally, emotionally, and financially for all outcomes. 

And don't be whiny. One can never "debate" an SO into all of a sudden saying "you're right, I've been wrong and an ass, how inconsiderate of me, I'll change right now".

Or "earn his way" back into regular sex and great relationship. Unless a W wants you, for you, you can't ever do enough around the house to "earn her love". She will ride that to a D, on her timetable, while getting her emotional and physical needs met outside the M.

Hang in there.


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## Mr.Married

Another thing to add to my previous post about many men doing this to themself:

I want to clarify .... The EA is on HER !!!!
It sounds like your doing all the work which is total BS and puts you operating from a weak position. Until she OWNS it you are just pissing in the wind.

In your shoes I would stop all affection and showing her you need her so badly. This again puts you at a huge disadvantage when you do that.


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## In Absentia

Rob675 said:


> For example she'll pick our son up and show affection my hugging and kissing but she wont do the same with my.


Well, you are a tad heavier, what do you expect? :laugh:

Joking apart, this is a difficult one. I've been there. I would say your wife has checked out of the marriage and staying for the kid's sake... by all means, try and salvage it, but it looks a bit bleak to me...


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## Rob675

In Absentia said:


> Well, you are a tad heavier, what do you expect? :laugh:
> 
> Joking apart, this is a difficult one. I've been there. I would say your wife has checked out of the marriage and staying for the kid's sake... by all means, try and salvage it, but it looks a bit bleak to me...


I might have agreed with you there but she did seem to be very shaken when I caught her out and she's said a lot to stop me leaving. Obviously I'm a little concerned her actions don't match her words though. Sometimes I do think she's checked out but then she'll do something to cause me doubt I'm right - I got a lot of mixed signals.


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## In Absentia

Rob675 said:


> Sometimes I do think she's checked out but then she'll do something to cause me doubt I'm right - I got a lot of mixed signals.


Maybe she is confused as well... she cares about you, but she doesn't love you anymore. if she was really into you, she would have sex with you and initiate. Maybe it is the way she is. Was she into you before your son? Maybe she is frustrated because you want something which is very important to you and she can't give it to you.


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## farsidejunky

It isn't about her not being intimacy.

It is about her not being into intimacy with you. 

ETA: I see that @MJJEAN beat me to it. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Have you ever told her no to duty sex?

The first time I did this to my wife, in the midst of a dead bedroom recovery, it threw her for a loop.

It shows her via action that you have too much self respect to accept her biting the pillow and waiting for it to be over. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT

Rob,

Your WW has fallen in Love or at least in Lust with her sexing partner.

At the same time she has fallen out of romantic love with you, you have become a roommate, wage earner, cook, repairman etc. But you are not a lover to her.

Expose the OM she was sexting with to his spouse or SO.

Can you get the OM fired?

Take your WW for a polygraph, DNA the kids, get tested for STDs.

Adults have sex when they are in daily contact, please don't think it stopped at sexting.


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## Rob675

farsidejunky said:


> Have you ever told her no to duty sex?
> 
> The first time I did this to my wife, in the midst of a dead bedroom recovery, it threw her for a loop.
> 
> It shows her via action that you have too much self respect to accept her biting the pillow and waiting for it to be over.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I haven't but I do like this idea - I'll try that.


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## Rob675

In Absentia said:


> Maybe she is confused as well... she cares about you, but she doesn't love you anymore. if she was really into you, she would have sex with you and initiate. Maybe it is the way she is. Was she into you before your son? Maybe she is frustrated because you want something which is very important to you and she can't give it to you.


Yes, things were great for years before our son arrived - things are very different now. I think you have seem good points there.


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## farsidejunky

Rob675 said:


> I haven't but I do like this idea - I'll try that.


She will likely get angry with you, so be prepared for it. 

You should make a simple statement:

"Sex should be something I do with you, not to you."

Until then, how on earth can you expect this to recover when she still works with her sexting partner?

Her quitting her job should have been a consequence for her infidelity.

Bottom line: continued contact=continued affair

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## wilson

Take a honest look at your emotional relationship with your wife. Are you guys emotionally close? Are you her best friend? Do you guys enjoy spending time with each other? Quite often, the emotional connection thins out as the years go on. It's not such a big deal to men since it's not as important, but it can have a big impact on women. In the same way you say you don't feel love without physical intimacy, she likely will say she doesn't feel love without emotional intimacy. So in that vein, build up your emotional connection. Be her best friend. Be her biggest advocate. Make her feel happy when she's around you. But don't do it as a manipulation tactic to get sex (e.g. duty emotional intimacy). Do it because you love her and that's what a healthy marriage looks like.

Before you tackle the sex issue, build your emotional connection as strong as you can. That may bring improvements on it's own. In any case, she will likely be much more receptive to working on the issue because she will feel much more loved by you and love for you.


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## Mybabysgotit

Rob - when you do initiate sex with your wife, how into it are you (say on a scale of 1-10)? or how much do YOU really want it? Are you thinking "oh crap, I should initiate sex tonight because she's starting to get ornery". I know when I initiate in that frame of mind, my wife tends to not be as "into it" as when i'm genuinely wanting to be with her that way. It's a big difference. Women instinctively know exactly how into the sex you are even when you put on your best act, or should I say not women, but your SO. 

Maybe your wife has plenty of attraction and desire for you, but you may come across as just going through the motions and not really into the moment. This turns women off and if it happens too many times consecutively then it's a recipe for disaster. 

When you feel in your mind/body that there's nothing you'd rather do than to ravish your wife, then go initiate and see what happens. She may surprise you.

I can't opine on your exact situation, but wanted to give you another way to look at this in case it does apply to your situation.


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## badsanta

farsidejunky said:


> Have you ever told her no to duty sex?
> 
> The first time I did this to my wife, in the midst of a dead bedroom recovery, it threw her for a loop.
> 
> It shows her via action that you have too much self respect to accept her biting the pillow and waiting for it to be over.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


This one is a double edged sword that can trigger performance anxiety on top of existing problems. When my wife and I were having problems, if she could not get aroused and into the moment I would get upset and complain at her for what appeared to me as her not even trying. I would often get up and leave having only completed the early stages of foreplay and tell her that we could try again when she was in the mood. It would not be until much later that I would discover that this made her feel rejected and created a lot of anxiety as she would assume that I would just turn to porn. 

If a spouse has arousal difficulties, this can be very problematic. But the last thing someone should do in my opinion is to demand arousal and enthusiasm be reciprocated. At a minimum you could probably ask for more enthusiasm with duty sex, but it is probably better to try and address what is causing the arousal problems first. The first places to address would be:



Overall trust and communication in the relationship
Issues with her self confidence
Issues with her self image
Anxiety associated with sexual intimacy in the relationship
Make sure not to attempt a sexual connection without first establishing an emotional one for the day
Make sure you clearly understand what you each need to feel loved in the relationship

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Livvie

.


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## MJJEAN

Rob675 said:


> I might have agreed with you there but she did seem to be very shaken when I caught her out and she's said a lot to stop me leaving. Obviously I'm a little concerned her actions don't match her words though. Sometimes I do think she's checked out but then she'll do something to cause me doubt I'm right -* I got a lot of mixed signals.*


What you seeing is a woman that is not sexually into her husband and yet does not want to lose stability, companionship, and 50% time with her child. So, she does the bare minimum to keep the status quo.

Whenever actions don't match words, believe actions.


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## badsanta

dadstartingover said:


> She would love to BE turned on, but she's not. It's not a choice. Sure, having sex is a choice... having an affair is a choice... *but being genuinely turned on is not a choice.*


That is a rather awkward way to say that! Perhaps it would be better to say that sometimes people experience arousal difficulties and may not understand what is causing the problem.

People with a high libido and a good understanding of themselves do tend to have a lot of conscious control over when and how they get turned on. Today's model of sexuality is that of a dual model. One part that accelerates arousal and another that prevents arousal. A person with a high degree of self control over that can be exposed to the most arousing things and not get aroused. The same thing vice versa in that they can be exposed to something that is not inherently arousing like a feather duster and utilize that to get aroused and make the earth shake. 

What is the main thing that creates the difference between the two?


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## Casual Observer

What's your role in taking care of the kid? Is it possible your wife has taken on the role as the person who takes care of the kid, almost completely, and your role is to "provide" for them? Maybe the center of her life completely changed after the kid?


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## badsanta

MJJEAN said:


> What you seeing is a woman that is not sexually into her husband and yet does not want to lose stability, companionship, and 50% time with her child. So, she does the bare minimum to keep the status quo.


Assuming at some point she was sexually into her husband, then it is fair to say something changed. Generally speaking some folks will point to NRE finally wearing off after a year or two, or one person in the relationship lets themselves go and stops taking care of themselves. 

If it was just NRE, then the OP is screwed. So is the wife as NRE is by definition unsustainable.


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## Rob675

Casual Observer said:


> What's your role in taking care of the kid? Is it possible your wife has taken on the role as the person who takes care of the kid, almost completely, and your role is to "provide" for them? Maybe the center of her life completely changed after the kid?


We were together for 9 years before our son arrived and everything was great to that point. The birth of our son was definitely the change.

I do a fair bit with our son but not as much as her as she works less than I do. We do a lot together also.


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## Casual Observer

Rob675 said:


> We were together for 9 years before our son arrived and everything was great to that point. The birth of our son was definitely the change.
> 
> I do a fair bit with our son but not as much as her as she works less than I do. We do a lot together also.


There are many resources/books, both secular and religious, that speak to women on the importance of maintaining a loving and passionate relationship with their husbands after having kids. But of course she has to recognize there's a problem before wanting to read something that talks about fixing it. 

You may be fortunate to be hitting this issue head-on now, relatively-early in your relationship. Many here, including myself, just kind of let things be for years.... decades even... and it's a lot harder to fix things after people have gotten very set in their ways and have learned to completely rationalize everything they do (in the relationship). 

But you're also going to have to look at yourself from a detached 3rd-party point of view, and consider what you might have done that's allowed this to happen. And it could be that fixing this issue is going to require one-sided action on your part, until she comes around. Even if she is truly the problem, you might have to take it upon yourself to fix it, by figuring out her needs and filling them. 

Hmm. Before getting too upset about things, you might start by both reading the book "The 5 Love Languages." That could get both of aligned on the mission to make things better.


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## MJJEAN

badsanta said:


> Assuming at some point she was sexually into her husband, then it is fair to say something changed. Generally speaking some folks will point to NRE finally wearing off after a year or two, or one person in the relationship lets themselves go and stops taking care of themselves.
> 
> If it was just NRE, then the OP is screwed. So is the wife as NRE is by definition unsustainable.


Lack of NRE doesn't explain this woman literally not wanting her husband to touch her and her not wanting to touch him. Even after NRE fades there is still love and sexual attraction. People don't stop hugging, kissing, hand holding, and cuddling after NRE wears off provided they love and find their spouses sexually appealing. She's very clear in her behavior that sex with him is a duty and that she is not, repeat, not, interested in physical intimacy of any kind when left to her own devices. She's doing the bare minimum to keep him around. It's nothing to do with NRE fading out and everything to do with she's just not into him, but she doesn't want to leave, either.


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## BluesPower

notmyjamie said:


> Have you told your wife that this lack of true intimacy and affection is a deal breaker for you and that you don't feel loved by her? Does she really know that by telling you it's not important she's telling you that YOU aren't important and you don't want to stay married to someone who views you that way? Does she know you might end the marriage over it?
> 
> She might agree to counseling if she thinks her marriage is on the line. I think an awful lot of women just don't understand how important sex, intimacy, and affection are for men even when their husband tells them. It's not until the D word comes out that they start to understand. This happened with friends of mine. There was no sex or affection until he flat out said "If things continue this way, I will fall out of love with you and then I will want a divorce." Once she realized how important it was to him she made real changes in order to fix the problem. She wanted her marriage but had closed off the intimacy/affection portion for some reason. She worked hard to bring it back and things improved. I know things still aren't perfect but he says they're "good enough" and gets balanced out everything else about the marriage that is good. I never did hear what her issues are and it's not my business but she was able to work on them to improve things.


Yeah, this one... pretty much says it all. 

I will say this... 1) your wife is not into sex with YOU!!! Not the sexting guy though!!!! Do you get that? 

And 2) Yeah she slept with the sexting guy if he was local, with out a doubt... 

And 3) She is gas lighting you with the "You put too much importance on intimacy" Comment.

4) What are you even trying to save this marriage in the first place. 


What you don't understand is this... You are a HUSBAND APPLIANCE... Not her lover, not her one and only, none of that... 

You are someone who pays the bills and she had to give duty sex to every so often to keep the money rolling in... 

I am going to say that in the end, whenever it comes, it will not be good for you. Better to get out now...


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## badsanta

Rob675 said:


> We were together for 9 years before our son arrived and everything was great to that point. The birth of our son was definitely the change.
> 
> I do a fair bit with our son but not as much as her as she works less than I do. We do a lot together also.


I am not sure what your ages are, but assuming you were in you mid twenties when you met and together for nine years before having a child, and your child is now 6 years old. That puts her at around the forty year mark in age. 

Once a woman hits forty, those youthful feelings of having tons of energy are not going to be there anymore. Add a 6-year-old to that and I imagine your wife probably wants to just sleep in and to not have to take care of anyone for a few days. 

I'd suggest you and your son go camping/fishing for the weekend and just let your wife relax and binge on Netflix for a while. By the time you get home she will miss you and want some attention. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## aquarius1

Children can be emotionally and physically draining, no matter how much you love them. Some time alone to recharge herself may be exactly what’s needed.


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## MattMatt

Rob675 said:


> I might have agreed with you there but she did seem to be very shaken when I caught her out and she's said a lot to stop me leaving. Obviously I'm a little concerned her actions don't match her words though. Sometimes I do think she's checked out but then she'll do something to cause me doubt I'm right - I got a lot of mixed signals.


You could offer her one of two options:-

An appointment with a lawyer.

or an appointment with a relationship counsellor.

Also, have a doctor's appointment for both of you to check your hormone levels, etc.


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## sokillme

Normally I would say you need to be emotionally close to your wife and that is part of your job. But in this case what's your wife's motivation? She pretty much withholds sex from you and then has an affair and you are still with her. She knows that whatever she does you will stick around. 

What is her reaction to that? Does she acknowledge she had an affair or is that all your fault? News flash dude she sounds like a good mom but she is not a very good wife. You see that right? Like maybe that is why your relationship suffers. Instead of working on the marriage she had an affair and then blamed you? Is she still working with the guy she had the affair with? Why are you so sure it's over? Did you out him to his wife?

Besides all that their is this -



> I brought this up again recently and my wife said I put too much importance on intimacy and shes not really into it.


I would file the next day. She just told you your future. I mean think about this dude. She was unhappy so she had and affair. You are unhappy and she tells you to get over it and you put too much importance to what your needs are. 

Again she sucks. And you are way to damn nice. Nice guys get cheated on and walked all over. I am not saying be mean to her I am saying be assertive. This is your life, get what you want. You are not asking for anything that unreasonable. If she can't give it to you move on. I mean she won't let you touch her?

You should at least tell her how unhappy you are, but the truth is it's pretty obvious you are not going to do anything. I mean she was unhappy so she cheated, ask her why you shouldn't now. Seems like your needs are not being met now. 

Having read these stories before it's very possible she is still in her affair, or at least still pining away for this other guy. 

Or maybe she is not all that attracted to you anymore. Maybe someone else would be. (The one caveat I will say about that if you have gained a ton of weight or let yourself go then that is on you and you need to get back in shape.)

Besides all that the standard, get in shape, detach, get and act strong. Try to build emotional intimacy with your wife, but I don't know how that is possible when she has an affair and blames you. 

Honestly dude if it were me I would sit her down and just say in a matter of fact way "look it's pretty obvious you are not into me anymore. You go through the motions and you had an affair. Maybe we should just move on. One things for sure i deserve better." But that is the point until you believe you deserve better you aren't going to get it. 

I mean she had a texting affair and she told you she is not that into intimacy with you. What else do you need?


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## sokillme

aquarius1 said:


> Children can be emotionally and physically draining, no matter how much you love them. Some time alone to recharge herself may be exactly what’s needed.


She had enough energy to have a sexting affair with someone else though.


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## Chaparral

First thing get the two books listed below. Immediately, they have saved untold numbers of marriages. 

2. She cannot work with her affair partner. Whatever the affair was, it will not stop as long as there is contact. She is in love with him. She is faithful to him. 

3. Your problem started with the baby. Look into post part I’m depression. She lost feelings for you then. 

4. Possibly and highly likely, she was sexually abused as a child. Abused women often are fine until they marry or have a child. Something switches in their psyche at that time and her husband is associated with abuse.


Have your son DNA tested. This sends her a message. Tell her you are going to see a lawyer. Another message to her. Tell her she will see a counselor and the two of you will go to marriage counseling. You will be allowed to talk to her counselor.

She quits her job if she is still working with him. Give us the details of her sexting affair and how it played out and what you did. It’s extremely unlikely they did not have sex. Workplace affairs are almost always hard to catch and impossible to stop if they continue to work together. 

More than likely, there is combination of things going on. Baby, distance, affair etc, 

Get the books now. Also read up on CSA and it ost partum depression.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Objectively the facts revolving around all of the troubles show she's not interested in serious resolutions that would heal things in your M.

She's stated bluntly she's not interested in intimacy with YOU anymore. That is indeed your future unless you make a break for it.

She has already left in her mind and it appears she'll ride your support train as long as you let her while she's very likely already planning a split in her timing best interests. 

Think of yourself brother.


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## Washashore

So, she’s not into intimacy, and isn’t into fidelity. In what way are you married? Sounds like a roommate situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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