# wife wants divorce, in love with another woman



## brian2432 (Jul 7, 2015)

In February, My wife said she didn't love me anymore. I begged and cried for 2 weeks. Finally she said we would give it a chance. However, from end of february to the end of May, she had basically began dating a lesbian who was in a bad relationship of 12 years herself. I have been with my wife for 19 years, and august will be our 14th anniversary. She began texting and texting this woman a lot, I supported her, wanted her to help her friend. then I started intercepting texts that said how much they loved each other. I asked her for several weeks if anything was going on, she went from--she's just a friend--to I just like her--to she makes me happy. Then I caught them and she told me she wanted a divorce and she loves this woman. I don't think that my wife is facing sexual conflict, we've discussed this many times in the past and since. Her sister is gay. She just says you love who you love. She's always had a big heart and developed strong emotional connections with people. The fact that this is a woman does not surprise me. However, I feel cheated because during our time of reconciliation, she was having an affair. We have a 10 year old son too. Basically, I was a **** for many years. Ignored her, was selfish, made her feel self-conscious about her body and personality. I actually resented her for the last 4-5 years and one of us slept on the couch for the last year. However, when she said she didn't love me, my world changed and I have literally become a different person. It's not an act, it's an awakening from a nightmare that I had become. I never thought of leaving, and just thought we were in a rut. She just shut down over the years and never told me how she felt. So lucky her, she found someone going through the same thing. Now for the last month they text each other about 100x a day. They work with each other. They have spent many nights together with my knowledge. We decided that we would like to remain friends and parents. I haven't stopped her from leaving or moving forward on the divorce. I'm still in the house and watch her come and go. Sometimes she puts our son to bed then leaves and comes back in the morning. It physically killing me, constant panic attacks, hyperventilating, seeing spots. I've lost 25 lbs in a month, and I'm not that big. My plan has just been to be as supportive and compassionate to her as I can be. I have took complete ownership of this and constantly explain that she deserves to be happy. We still go out to dinner with and without our son. We do family functions. We're even keeping our vacation plans in August--mostly for our son and friends that we're going with--our friends are well aware of the situation too. I guess I'm hoping that she will see that giving up 19 years and destroying a family is not a good thing for personal happiness. That's all I keep hearing from her--I want to be happy. I just don't believe that personal happiness outweighs commitment and children. We don't fight, we get along, we laugh, we do things. Our house is not unpleasant. She just doesn't feel anything for me and is in love with someone else who she can't stop thinking of. All of her friends and most of her family just tell her they want her to be happy. I think that it is nuts to not give it a real try before checking out. How can she dissolve our marriage and be in another relationship at the same time? She says she's tried for years, but that was by herself. Now I've changed and we confronting it together, but she's already checked out. She still calls me honey, we sleep in the same bed. She touches my arm and back all the time. She doesn't hate me. Do I have a chance??


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi OP, I am sorry you're going through all this. If your goal is to reconcile, I don't think you're going to be successful with your current strategy. 

Normally the first step is to expose and bust up the affair, but that is no longer an option, unless you have knowledge that you didn't put in your post that might bust the affair up (like the OW was a druggie, lost custody of her kids, has criminal record, etc). It sounds like this affair has already been exposed, but people support it (including you, by your actions.) Usually exposure enforces consequences- people she cares about are disappointed in her, her kids are upset, etc. She isn't having those kinds of consequences, at least it doesn't sound like it from your post. Unless there is more that you didn't include in your OP, the biggest weapon against affairs has little power in your situation. 

Well, the next step is one that you can and IMO should take- do a hard 180. This is for your own physical and mental well-being. Search for "180" on this website, it will pull up for you. The goal is for you to detach from your wife and begin to re-build your own life, your self-esteem, health, etc.

An un-intended consequence of the 180 is that your wife gets to see what life will be like without you. You would not be spending time together or going on vacations- you would be removing yourself as much as possible from her life so you can start your own life back up as an individual. 

Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife's life pre-affair was pretty cold and loveless. You say you "Ignored her, was selfish, made her feel self-conscious about her body and personality. I actually resented her for the last 4-5 years and one of us slept on the couch for the last year." Because of this, I don't think your wife will return to you until/unless the affair dies. This isn't a case where a WS steps out on a mostly-good marriage, and quickly comes to see what s/he has left behind. Rather, your wife is now in an oasis after a long time in the desert. She is not likely to give you another shot right away- you've had years to treat her well and haven't done so. She will likely stay with the person who is now treating her well. 

If your wife's affair dies on its own, I think you have a shot, if while you 180, you treat her well during the times that you do see her. If the affair ends and you have shown that you are no longer the a$$ husband that you were, she might think about returning. This doesn't mean that you roll over for her, but it does mean that you don't treat her like you did before- coldly, selfishly, making her feel badly about her body, etc. 

Again, I am sorry you are here. I wish I had a magic method that would make your family whole again. Unfortunately, most of the time, the only option is to re-build yourself...and maybe later on down the road, the WW returns.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

brian2432 said:


> However, I feel cheated because during our time of reconciliation, she was having an affair. We have a 10 year old son too. Basically, I was a **** for many years. Ignored her, was selfish, made her feel self-conscious about her body and personality. I actually resented her for the last 4-5 years and one of us slept on the couch for the last year.
> AND
> It physically killing me, constant panic attacks, hyperventilating, seeing spots. I've lost 25 lbs in a month, and I'm not that big.


I guess you are reaping what you have sown. By your own admission, you have been a terrible husband who has destroyed your marriage and made your wife to feel like she was inadequate. Now you are upset that your wife doesn’t want to be married to you and agrees with what you have shown her - that the marriage doesn’t matter. How sad for you.



brian2432 said:


> My plan has just been to be as supportive and compassionate to her as I can be. I have took complete ownership of this and constantly explain that she deserves to be happy. We still go out to dinner with and without our son. We do family functions. We're even keeping our vacation plans in August--mostly for our son and friends that we're going with--our friends are well aware of the situation too.


So now that she has disconnected from an unloving, and downright mean, husband, you have a plan on how to win her back. That is not a heart change. A plan and a true change of heart are not the same.



brian2432 said:


> I guess I'm hoping that she will see that giving up 19 years and destroying a family is not a good thing for personal happiness.


Who’s personal happiness? Yours? Perhaps she thinks it is you who gave up your marriage by checking out of it and now you are blaming her for its demise.



brian2432 said:


> That's all I keep hearing from her--I want to be happy. I just don't believe that personal happiness outweighs commitment and children.


Commitment requires action. You didn’t act until you disconnected from her and treated her badly, then she disconnected from you, and now she has found someone who seems to love her and has connected with her instead. You are still putting this on her, when you are the one who started this downward slide by being an unloving husband.



brian2432 said:


> We don't fight, we get along, we laugh, we do things. Our house is not unpleasant. She just doesn't feel anything for me and is in love with someone else who she can't stop thinking of.


 Right. She doesn’t love you anymore, but apparently she doesn’t hate you either. It sounds like she is a kind person who doesn’t harbor a lot of anger, which is good for you, but she also isn’t interested in you anymore. She knows who you are and she doesn’t like you.




brian2432 said:


> All of her friends and most of her family just tell her they want her to be happy. I think that it is nuts to not give it a real try before checking out. How can she dissolve our marriage and be in another relationship at the same time? She says she's tried for years, but that was by herself.


Personally, I don’t think what she is doing is right, but I can see how it happened. You didn’t care before and suddenly it’s a problem now that she found someone else. The fact that you have no empathy towards her is a major problem. You seem only concerned with yourself. You don’t seem to have any understanding for what you have put her through. 


brian2432 said:


> Now I've changed and we confronting it together, but she's already checked out. She still calls me honey, we sleep in the same bed. She touches my arm and back all the time. She doesn't hate me. Do I have a chance??


You did not care until you were rejected. That shows a woman that you are not sincere and that the only real change is in your behavior in order to get something. You are not loving her, you are manipulating her and now you are upset that it’s not working.
Nothing you have said gives any indication that you love your wife or care about her. It’s all about you.


----------

