# Mid-life crisis or responding to affair?



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

OK. I'm 40. I'm making a lot of changes due to my wife's affair. Improving myself, changing my style, working out, taking a motorcycle class (more driven by ever-rising gas prices than anything), etc. 

I was asked today if I am going through a mid-life crisis. I laughed. That is the stereotypical mid-life crisis. 40 year old man working out, changing his style, getting a motorcylce, dating a 20-something woman (not yet, though one did accept the offer for a date, lol).

My question is: Is the stereotype wrong? There seem to be a lot of us married for 10+ years going through the pains of infidelity. Is that more the cause for the perceived mid-life crisis? We change due to fact of infidelity more than our age?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am only 29, but I will tell you what I went through and I bet we can see the pattern LOL. I spent a couple of years pouring everything I had into our family to make sure everyone was taking care of and taking as little as possible for myself.

After I found out about my H's affair, its like a little lightbulb went on that said hey, my everything still wasn't enough for you, so eff you I am doing for me now too! Changed my hair, started working out more, started college classes with my G I Bill. Its kinda like I thought pouring myself into "us" was what I was supposed to do, and after I found out that I was the only one doing anything for "us" I decided I was important again. Sound at all familiar??


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Like I could have written it myself. Mine was 13 years and a wife instead of a husband. Also, my GI bill was used up a long time ago. Other than those minor changes, I could have written it.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Lost 25 lbs, got a sports car.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I cheated, even though husband started my implosion. I lost weight, I am smokin now, working on not smoking, I anworking on cleaning out the yard, 6 acres, putting up with a hubby that is stubborn, but worth it, need to get the gardentractor working....grrrr, am I having a midlife crisis? I don't have the time, maybe when I'm 40!!! lol I am gonna ding 34 in august. I feel like my gramma at 86, and I must say that woman is amazing.


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## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

This thread is funny because Dr. Phil had an episode today about some people going through a mid-life crisis, and the guests had a lot in common with some of the people mentioned on this site.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I think its a mixture,I am noticing a trend that those who marry young (early 20's) in stead of having a midlife crisis in their late thirties early 40's are showing all the signs in their late 20's.

Defnitely something that would be worth looking into see a lot of co-relation between the two. And the causes for infidelity and just regular mid life crisis seem pretty similar. SO starts feeling pressured like they lost themselfs, quits funcitoning as part of the family unit, and goes off to do whatever they want while LS is left holding all the emotional baggage and trying to keep the house together the entire time loosing respect from WS for not embracing their new life style and trying to "control" them.

I agree a lot with the manning uptype solutions but the truth is there is sometruth to what WS is saying most of us that were LS can admit that we came off wrong and instead of talking/working on us and establishing boundries and making sure they were understood, we tried to control actions of SO in order to keep family unit together.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I've lost 20 lb since my wife's affair, been working out, am trying to get the farm in shape, and am thinking about rebuilding my tractor. It may be a ******* midlife crisis, but I think it's just a natural reaction to try to improve myself and feel better. That, and I'm 42. This doesn't need to be mid-life. If I make it to 84, I'll be pissed!


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I have no clue how much weight I have lostbut that is soley from loss of appetite. The working out part hasn't even started yet but I can feel it coming.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

In the end like everything else it is just a choice.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

In my opinion you are just a late bloomer.

Dont you wish you were doing this all along?

I know i do. 

I wish i had a time machine to go back and become the person i am today. I would have kicked my own azzzz if i thought I had a chance at being this happy and was not taking it. 

After an affair, when your self image hits rock bottom, that is when you get the boost. Be aware of the mental changes going on though, because chances are.. at some point you will wake up and say " I am too good for this person"

I have to be honest... That is the only area of my recovery where i struggle. I have lost so much wieght... I have really become a "Dream Husband" - I mean flowers every month, gifts and dates constantly.. lots of compliments and doing way more than 50% of the work int he house.

There are days where I look at my wife and wonder if this is really what i want. Do i want to be married to someone that did that? Does she deserve the sexy goodness that is all "me" and a bag of chips?

If i ever lost sight of my marriage, my wife would be blindsided by my new self image. I have to be extra careful about that because i could walk away at any time and be totally within my legal, moral and spiritual right to do so. 

She is so incredibly happy it would kill her, but I think about it all the time. Especially now that I am back at school finishing up another degree. The money i make when this is done will be rediculas... i think " will i want to share this new success with HER?"

Believe me, many chances to pay her back have been around.

So this change is a great thing for you, but you have to keep an eye on it if you want to stay married to her. Once you realize you are "The Man" you are going to wonder is she is the woman.


Either way, the risk is worth the reward.


TTL


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Heck no its not a midlife crisis. Its a "It's all about #1= me crisis". Years of giving, sacrificing I LOVED being married I was happy to have that experience (ok whew this is still new so past tense is really senstitive right now).

I did same thing working out to help relieve stress so I did not snap. On the days when I was not emotionally tapped out I think at some point you gotta get back out there so you cannot look all tore up from the floor up you gotta focus on you. Apart of it was knowing when I see him he would look like wow I messed that up yeap you did look but don't touch because you have no rights to my goods anymore


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't think its a midlife crisis.. i think its about finally having "me" time. You have poured yourself into "us" time for YEARS.. building your family, securing your family, trying to keep a happy home.. and then BAM! All of a sudden its gone.

I haven't put on make up or dressed up to go out in 7 years or better... my husband admits he wants to seperate, and i find evidence of an affair and.. now I want time for me.. I want to do my hair and make up.. i want to buy a new outfit and go out and have fun and not have to worry about answering to my H about where i am..

I don't think its a bad thing.. nor a midlife crisis.. its about taking care of YOU.


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## Tina56 (Nov 1, 2012)

Life after your spouses affair isn't about how much weight you lost. Come on people!!!! It's about what works for you at whatever stage in your life you are at. What works for someone in their 20's with no kids is not the same ad someone in their 40's with 3 kids. What is true is that, no matter what was happening in your life or your spouses life, you did not cause him /her to have an affair. That was a decision they made to cope with inadequacies in their own lives. It's figuring out how you now move on. Can be with them or without them. Both choices work.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

For me it's about responding to her affair and reclaiming myself.

Before and especially during her affair, I was the giver...she the taker. I was making the vast majority of the sacrifices...financially/emotionally/physically even sexually. I was the 90% and her the 10%. It seemed as if my sole purpose in life was to make her happy, so I would be happy. It didn't matter how much I lifted...it wasn't enough. I had given up things along the way that I once enjoyed very much...hobbies...etc. Sadly, before her affair, I thought our marriage was OK. I always thought sacrifices in a marriage were one way of showing love, and needed to be made in order to stay successful. Honestly as one sided as it was, I would have continued in that direction if it had not been for her affair. It is similar to an object moving and the vacuum of space. It will keep moving in the same direction unless it comes in contact with another object. Her affair was the other object.

After D day and a year of false R, I am suffering from low self esteem issues..self worth. I initially lost a bunch of weight, which I did not need to loose. I already trend towards the thin side. I always worked out to stay in shape but apparently that was not appreciated. I now I work out extra hard and have gained a lot back...for me this time. 

My STBXW was a Blame Shifter extraordinaire. If I listened to her...her affair was all my fault. I do realize that is not true. This was a choice she made....over and over again, at the expense of me and our children. Her blame shifting did force me to look at the possibility that there may be a hint of truth in her excuses. I realize that her complaints about me were horribly exaggerated but it did get me to think about and examine the origins. I am working hard to close all of the gaps or deficiencies that she had pointed to and because of this, I hope I will evolve into a better version of myself. 

I have already done all of the easy stuff like buy new clothes, fresh haircuts and trying to maintain a positive, outgoing attitude...the updated visual image. I have not started going out too much yet because the D won't be final for a month and we still life together with our kids. I don't want the kids to remember me like their mother...who was never home for them. 

I am saving the biggest changes until after she has moved out since they have nothing to do with her and winning her back and everything to do with me. However, I will confess to wanting her look at me one day and feel the deep pain of regret and say "I made a huge mistake".


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I definitely had a mid-life crisis! I was facing the fact that my daughters were leaving home to go to college, my husband seemed to want nothing to do with me and I was terrified of what my life would be like.

I started working out like a fiend, dropped 50lbs and started paying more attention to what I looked like again.


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