# Confused



## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

I've been married for almost a year now, I am in the mid 40's; I just discovered that my husband like a year before we meet he was having sex with different guys, he spent a year doing that but also he was having sex with girls. 

I think, I am not sure that he was seen this guys when we were dating, I don't have proof of it. I discovered this by accident, he was not intending to tell me anything about it. I am very confused because he keeps telling me that he didn't have anything to do with all of this men but I know he did, he sent his pictures and his phone number to all of them that means he was very interesting to get together with them. He was contacting this guys on craiglist and the way he talked to them (nasty and showed experience) showed that he was very interesting in them and he was getting turn on with all of them. 

When we got married he wanted to change his phone number in hurry and he gave me an excuse that I never believe. I love him so much but since the day I knew this I changed, I know I still love him but I can't get close to him as I did before. I don't want to hurt him but I am hurt.

I am very hurt by this, I don't know what to do, he say he is not gay but I don't believe it, If he is not gay why he had sex with guys?. I need help, I don't know what to do with the situation. 

He is the best man in the word, he take care of me, we had a super nice amazing relationship that got broken from my side since the day I did read all those emails that he exchanged with those guys on craiglist. I cry every day, I am depress, super sad, disappoint, I thought he was the perfect man, the man of my dreams, the one I dreamed about in my whole life and I was wrong, I can't take this situation but I don't want to be unfair with him. I don't know what to do. Would you help me? I need help. I just need a professional advice, I will appreciate any advice from you.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

*My husband had sex with guys before we meet but he never told me, how can I fix this?*

I've been married for almost a year now, I am in the mid 40's; I just discovered that my husband like a year before we meet he was having sex with different guys, he spent a year doing that but also he was having sex with girls. 

I think, I am not sure that he was seen this guys when we were dating, but maybe he was, I don't have proof of it. I discovered this by accident, he was not intending to tell me anything about it. I am very confused, because he keeps telling me that he didn't have anything to do with all of this men and that he was playing also he said he was feeling confused about is sexuality because he had a lot of relationships that never worked, I know he did have sex with those guys , he sent his pictures and his phone number to all of them that means he was very interesting to get together with them. He was contacting this guys on craiglist and the way he talked to them (nasty and showed experience) showed that he was very interesting in them and he told some of them that he has a lot eager to learn and please.

When we got married he wanted to change his phone number in hurry and he gave me an excuse that I never believe. I love him so much but since the day I knew this I changed, I know I still love him but I can't get close to him as I did before. I don't want to hurt him but I am hurt. 

I am very hurt by this, I don't know what to do, he say he is not gay but I don't believe it, If he is not gay why he had sex with guys?. I need help, I don't know what to do with the situation, this is very new for me. 

He is the best man in the word, he take care of me, we had a super nice amazing relationship that got broken since the day I did read all those emails that he exchanged with those guys on craiglist. I cry every day, I am depress, super sad, disappoint, I thought he was the perfect man, the man of my dreams, the one I dreamed about in my whole life and I was wrong, I can't take this very well, but I don't want to be unfair with him. I don't know what to do. Would you help me? I need help. I just need an advice.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

There are two options that come to mind.

1) He is bisexual, fell in love with you and wants to be married to you.

2) He is gay but cannot accept himself as gay and is trying to immerse home of in the straight world to make him straight.

Either way he has an attraction to men.

It seems reading your post that English is not your first language. Is your husband American or are you both from another culture/ country?


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

I am hispanic and he is american


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

I don't know what to do because I still love him but I have a big problem with this situation, what do you think I could do in this case?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

How long did you guys date before getting married? Where did you meet?

I don't know your husband, of course. I would be more concerned, though, that he is gay of course. What is your gut feeling on this?


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

We dated for 6 month. We meet through a dating site. He was so nice and serious about us since the moment we meet, I haven't meet in my life a guy like this, we match in every thing and we had so much fun in every thing we did, we just needed each other to be happy. Every body thought we've been together for longer time just because how we knew each other and how we toke care to each other since the first month. He took me to his family (Mom/Dad/Kids) in the very fist 15 days. I still think he is very serious with me and that he loves me so much, I can feel it, he want me with him 24/7, he is asking me to quit my job because he wants me to work with me because he said he can't take to be away from me, I feel the same way but I don't think is healthy to be together all the time. 

BUT, the fact that he did what he did in his past is killing me and I want to be fair with him but I am not sure I can deal with this hard true, every time I think about it hurts and I am very scare, what if he wants to go to guys again while he is married to me. We had a very good sex until I discovered this, now I have a problem having sex with him because I am thinking about what he did with those guys.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Of course I can't know for sure but it sounds like you feel very close to him and things were well until you found out this information.

Did you talk to him about this or are you afraid to? I think you should at least ask him for a reason he did this in his past and how he was able to give it up when you met. 

Also how old are both of you? It seems the younger generation is much more likely to experiment like this and have it not mean much.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

We are very close to each other, 75% of the time one is thinking about something and the other is doing it too. 

I talked to him about it when I found out but I am sure he feel embarrassed because he knows how I think about this subject and he always agreed that been gay is against god's law. 

He said that after all his fail relationships with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends he started to have doubts about his sexuality and started to get curious about having sex with guys, he is 48 and I am 45 and again I don't understand how a man in that age can have that kind of confusion, I've been through a lot of bad situations with my ex-s and I never have one second doubts about my sexuality, I understand that guys are different than women but I still don't understand.

He promised me that he will never do anything that will hurt me, he always says to me that he haven't have a relationship that we have with anybody before, also this is the first time he is been happy and confidence with someone and that he will never mess this up for nothing, and I can understand that because I haven't have a relationship like this before neither.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

He didn't said anything about how he stopped because he always said to me that he didn't do anything with them, but I know he did, he is just embarrassed to tell me because he is afraid of my reaction.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

giconfused said:


> He is the best man in the word, he take care of me, we had a super nice amazing relationship that got broken from my side since the day I did read all those emails that he exchanged with those guys on craiglist. I cry every day, I am depress, super sad, disappoint, I thought he was the perfect man, the man of my dreams,


So, tell me if I got this right:


He's been the perfect husband

You have a good sex life

He had other lovers before you dated

You haven't found any evidence that he's been cheating on you

So now I'm confused. What is the problem exactly?

Are you worried he's gay? If he is, he's been hiding it pretty well to be the "best man in the world". Sounds like he's bisexual. Not many men are, but they are out there. If he found out that you had female lovers in your past, do you think he would be so upset like this?


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

He haven't cheat on me, I know but I am afraid that he is gay because he's been with guys before we meet, isn't that a problem at all? Shouldn't I be worry about this situation?, yes he hided very well that he was seeing guys before we meet because he talked really bad about gay people but he had sex with guys before, for whatever reason but he did....

He won't ever find out about me having female lovers because I haven't ever had one and I don't think I ever will because I don't have tracttion for females. I am not perfect and I made mistakes in my life. I just need someone to tell me it's ok to stay with him because I feel that I am fighting my principles and my love for him and I am afraid that he will hurt me.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

giconfused said:


> I just need someone to tell me it's ok to stay with him because I feel that I am fighting my principles and my love for him and I am afraid that he will hurt me.


I don't see why you are "fighting your principles" or fighting anything for that matter. 

If he's really been a good husband and you have a good sex life, then you are creating a problem where there is none. I'm not trying to make light of your situation, but it sounds like you have a much better marriage than 99% of everyone else out there. Yes, he might cheat on you one day, but you knew that before - after all, heterosexual man cheat on their spouses also (a lot). So really nothing has changed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You have an interesting point, Theseus, but don't you think her concerns are legitimate, too?

OP, what do you think you should do?


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

I really don't know what to do!!!!!!
;(


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would not feel comfortable in your situation. I am an all cards on the table kind of gal, and I just could not accept hearing all this a year later. I would feel like the marriage happened under false pretences. But that is just me.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

First off, a few questions.

Has he asked you to penetrate him at all?

Do you guys do anal sex together?

Does he have a preference to anal play, either on him or with you?

Do you actually have a problem with the having had sex with other guys?

Yes = Divorce and move on.

No = Stop whining like it is a big deal, deal with the fact he had lovers before you and move forward.

If he loves you and is as you describe then I would suggest you think long and hard about whether or not you can handle the fact that he boned/got boned by other guys.

Probably best to explore things a bit before getting to hot headed recommending D and all that jazz.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

Mrs. JLD, 
I am agree with you, I am feeling that our relationship was build base on lies and even when I know I love him like crazy I can't be the same with him, I don't know if I should give him a second chance to try to rebuild my trust on him but I have so much doubts and confusion.

Mr. Wranglerman,
No, he haven't ask me to penetrated him ever and we don't have anal sex but once he tried to do it and I told him I was not comfortable with it and he was ok with it. I don't think he is having sex with other guys, I don't think he has cheat on me with anybody but the fact that he was attracted and having sex with man is something that is getting in my way and it doesn't let me be free and happy with him anymore. I know he feels bad and embarrassed and he is trying hard to make this work and he says all the time how much he loves me and how I has changed his life and all the way but I don't know if this is going to be good, what do you think Mr. Wranglerman?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is he giving you any more information on the time of life he was with men?

The fact that he previously was with men is not as worrisome, to me, as the fact that he didn't share this with you and is now trying to not talk about it.

If.you are able to feel better about this he will need to be very open about why that happened and why he feels he won't want it again in the future.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

MssScarlett,
He is not giving me any information about the subject, he even denied that he had anything to do with those men but I read all the emails that he exchanged with them and is more than obvious that he really did. I understand he is not proud of it and is very embarrassing for him because he showed me how macho he was all the time and how much he dislike gay people. I will set up a date with him to talk openly about all of this out of our house, I want to be free talking bout this with him and in our house is not possible because my daughter lives with us and I wouldn't take the chance for her to hear anything that we talk.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

giconfused said:


> Mrs. JLD,
> I am agree with you, I am feeling that our relationship was build base on lies and even when I know I love him like crazy I can't be the same with him, I don't know if I should give him a second chance to try to rebuild my trust on him but I have so much doubts and confusion.



I think you are being incredibly unfair.

He hasn't cheated on you, and your sex life is good, so where is the trust issue exactly? If I found out my wife had female lovers in the past, I wouldn't even care (in fact, I would love to hear the details!). Now it's true that men are different from women, and tend to be either solidly straight or gay. However, a few men are actually bisexual.

The vast majority of women on TAM who have the same doubts as you come here after finding out their husband has been seeing men, or looking for them on Craigslist. If what you are saying is accurate, your husband hasn't done any of that nonsense. Leave him if you want to, but to me it's ludicrous to throw away a relationship just because your partner had lovers before you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, I think the troublesome issue is that he denies he had male lovers while she has proof he did. And he's a big talker about how disgusting gay men are.

In that way part of their relationship IS based on a lie - because he is lying about it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Well, I think the troublesome issue is that he denies he had male lovers while she has proof he did. And he's a big talker about how disgusting gay men are.


Apparently they belong to the same church community, so I suppose he felt he had to deny it. Never good, but it's a cultural thing.



> _In that way part of their relationship IS based on a lie - because he is lying about it._


Yes, it's a lie, but should that be the deal breaker? Seriously? When by her account he's been a perfect husband otherwise? 

If you denied but then later admitted to having female lovers before you married your husband, would he be justified in divorcing you over it?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

As you said - two women being together is totally different in our society than a man being with a long string of men and then marrying a woman.

Most men would love to watch two women together. Women can be together and not even be attracted to each other, just doing it to be salicious.

Let's make a line of the women who want to see their husband with another man.

Although - I don't imagine she wants to divorce him because he's been with men. Rather I'm sure she fears he will come to cheat on her with men and that she will not be able to satisfy him.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

MissScarlett,

You got my point, that is my big fear, I am already hurt by the situation. As I said before I will have a conversation with him this week and I am going to talk openly I hope he can do the same and explain to me why he did it and what are his feelings about it now. 

In other hand Mr. Theseus, I won't admit ever having female lovers because I haven't ever had one and I am not planing on it because I am not attractive to women, he won't have that problem with me. I respect gay people (male-women) but i am not. I think if he at least should has been honest with me and give me the choice to decide if I could handle that or not before we've has gone this far things would be different. And I asked him if something like this would has happen to him with me how he would feel about it, his answer was BETRAYED!!!! but he still said he didn't have anything to do with them, again a LIE


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

giconfused said:


> He haven't cheat on me, I know but I am afraid that he is gay because he's been with guys before we meet, isn't that a problem at all? Shouldn't I be worry about this situation?, yes he hided very well that he was seeing guys before we meet because he talked really bad about gay people but he had sex with guys before, for whatever reason but he did....
> 
> He won't ever find out about me having female lovers because I haven't ever had one and I don't think I ever will because I don't have tracttion for females. I am not perfect and I made mistakes in my life. I just need someone to tell me it's ok to stay with him because I feel that I am fighting my principles and my love for him and I am afraid that he will hurt me.



I am not sure what principles you are fighting. When we marry, we choose to forsake all others. For those of us who are bi, that means forsaking others of both sexes. Not sure what the issue is if he is successfully forsaking, and making you happy.


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## giconfused (Mar 1, 2014)

Finally I had the conversation with my husband, he admitted that he had sex with couple of guys because he was curious and that was it, he also said that it felt weird and that he understood that was not what he thought so he quit. He didn't want to tell me the truth because he was afraid to loose me knowing this was something that is not simple or easy to accept, I understand because I still have problem with it, I am not happy about it but I decided to give a try to see if the relationship work, I love him with all my heart and I know that people make mistakes and we learn from them, I know he is a good man, I know he loves me because he shows it to me every day. The relationship that I have with him I don't think I will ever find it again, as I said I am not super happy with this but I will make my best to forget this situation and go on with our lives.


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