# Question for men who have cheated



## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

To carry the discussion in the other thread I made further, I'd like to hear from the men themselves. Secondhand is not quite the same.

How did you see the OW during your affair?

Did you see her as someone beneath your wife, but good enough for getting your needs met at the time... just kind of like an apt distraction? Did you see her as someone just as valuable as your wife, but in different ways? Did you see her as someone who was more valuable than your wife?

Thank you in advance.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Rosie1


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Rosie1


Greetings. Someone else suggested that I am whoever this Rosie1 person is too. I am not, this is my first time on this forum.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> To carry the discussion in the other thread I made further, I'd like to hear from the men themselves. Secondhand is not quite the same.
> 
> How did you see the OW during your affair?
> 
> ...


Well, OK, I'll answer.

I wanted to speak with someone who hadn't cheated on me, we had a mutual interest in a hobby and were both Star Trek Voyager fans.

It was an EA -a revenge EA- that nearly went PA but I realised it was wrong and stopped it dead.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, OK, I'll answer.
> 
> I wanted to speak with someone who hadn't cheated on me, we had a mutual interest in a hobby and were both Star Trek Voyager fans.
> 
> It was an EA -a revenge EA- that nearly went PA but I realised it was wrong and stopped it dead.


INteresting and thank you for answering. Would you mind answering the other questions in the OP?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm not judging here but why do people always wait until they have an affair before they realize it was wrong. You knew it was wrong to begin with.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Greetings. Someone else suggested that I am whoever this Rosie1 person is too. I am not, this is my first time on this forum.


Okay I'll just ask this once and I'll be gone. 

What's this info for? just a random discussion or you collecting info for some other reason, as you don't seem to have a 'story' which 95% of us have to be in here in the first place


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Okay I'll just ask this once and I'll be gone.
> 
> What's this info for? just a random discussion or you collecting info for some other reason, as you don't seem to have a 'story' which 95% of us have to be in here in the first place


I assure you, I am not someone you know, so no need to be suspicious.  It is just a topic of interest to me, as I have married friends going through the cheating experience (from both sides) who talk to me about it quite frequently. Also now that I am older, I find that I get approached by married men a lot and it's a topic I've never had to think about before when I was young. I wonder a lot of the psychology and feelings behind it and involved in it from all angles. I think me not having a "story" makes me open to various avenues of discussion.



Thebes said:


> I'm not judging here but why do people always wait until they have an affair before they realize it was wrong. You knew it was wrong to begin with.


I think that would be a topic for another thread that can be discussed in detail, which would be interesting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> INteresting and thank you for answering. Would you mind answering the other questions in the OP?


We were friends and it all went horribly wrong.

We were both drinking too much, way too much, we both had our demons. I knew why I spent a lot of my time self-medicating, never found out what her problems were, though.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

New here and devastated
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showpost.php?p=5458850


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> New here and devastated
> Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - New here and devastated


Are you saying that people cheat because other people try to distort money out of them?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Are you saying that people cheat because other people try to distort money out of them?


Oh Rosie you are so hilarious. How many men have you sent that pic of the model in the sailor outfit today?


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Oh Rosie you are so hilarious. How many men have you sent that pic of the model in the sailor outfit today?


I am not Rosie. I don't know who that is.

Was Rosie trying to distort money out of men? She must have been something else, because several men now have suggested that I'm her.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I am not Rosie. I don't know who that is.
> 
> Was Rosie trying to distort money out of men? She must have been something else, because several men now have suggested that I'm her.


Yeah, she was trying to distort money. She liked to make bills into roses, that kind of thing. 
When in doubt, play dumb.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Yeah, she was trying to distort money. She liked to make bills into roses, that kind of thing.
> When in doubt, play dumb.


That's a trip.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> That's a trip.


Sure is. Not quite as good as the Nigerian scam.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Oh Rosie you are so hilarious. How many men have you sent that pic of the model in the sailor outfit today?


And I missed out on that! How do you like that. Even among misfits you're still a misfit... GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLDDD!!!! YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> And I missed out on that! How do you like that. Even among misfits you're still a misfit... GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLDDD!!!! YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!


Well they only target men who apparently have money based on their job, or details about their divorces or favorite activities.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Well they only target men who apparently have money based on their job, or details about their divorces or favorite activities.


Well on that last note I'm out of luck then.. I mean, woman to get interested on a man whom lives in the Star Wars Universe most of the time? Is that even heard of? Curses.

:rofl:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Well on that last note I'm out of luck then.. I mean, woman to get interested on a man whom lives in the Star Wars Universe most of the time? Is that even heard of? Curses.
> 
> :rofl:


Only if you are a doctor who has a big house and goes skiing at your second home.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

To return to the original topic, I realize now that given the dynamics and demographics of this forum, this is a taboo topic. I guess I just wondered in what light the man sees his mistress before, during and after the affair, especially in comparison to his wife throughout the process. If anyone feels brave enough to answer this, I would be interested to hear.

And, for the record, I am also curious about how women who have cheated see their OM, as well, but there seems to be more information out there about that around, since wives often are looking for exit affairs, (and maybe are more expressive?) and I have a few friends in that position that I've been able to observe and take note.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It is not a taboo topic. Many people do not trust you, which has zero to do with what is discussed here or the demographics. Every question you have started a thread for, that you think is original or "taboo," has been asked and answered in multiple threads.

For the record, you need new friends because the ones you have seem to have experienced EVERY FORM of infidelity.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It is not a taboo topic.


I think it is.



> Many people do not trust you, which has zero to do with what is discussed here or the demographics.


Even though I don't understand this (this forum is anonymous and we don't know each other) I realize it's true, and there's not much I can do about that, which is why I said if anyone feels brave, I'm more than interested in listening.



> Every question you have started a thread for, that you think is original or "taboo," has been asked and answered in multiple threads.


I don't think there's anything wrong with starting fresh threads, especially if the original thread started is old.



> For the record, you need new friends because the ones you have seem to have experienced EVERY FORM of infidelity.


Right and that's made me interested in this topic.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

What the hell does "distort money" mean?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> I think it is.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks.

Taboo - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary
ta·boo
adjective \tə-ˈbü, ta-\

: not acceptable to talk about or do

It has been talked about in many threads by many posters, so you are wrong. That makes it acceptable to do on this forum. Those that have aren't banned, so that means it is acceptable as well.

The rest is you creating logical fallacies. Bravery and trust are two separate points. Using your own "logic" this place is anonymous, so bravery has nothing to do with posting in your thread.

I will now move on.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> To return to the original topic, I realize now that given the dynamics and demographics of this forum, this is a taboo topic. I guess I just wondered in what light the man sees his mistress before, during and after the affair, especially in comparison to his wife throughout the process. If anyone feels brave enough to answer this, I would be interested to hear.
> 
> And, for the record, I am also curious about how women who have cheated see their OM, as well, but there seems to be more information out there about that around, since wives often are looking for exit affairs, (and maybe are more expressive?) and I have a few friends in that position that I've been able to observe and take note.


Daisy:

To answer your original questions and these questions. 

But first just to clarify. The OW in my case was not a mistress she was just an affair partner. 

A mistress is someone who is being supported financially by the man. 

I always felt my wife was superior in every way to the affair partner. 

The affair partner was not as attractive or as intelligent or as nice (for example, she was very rude to waiters and waitresses and referred to her maid in insulting ways, and this was a turn off to me.) My wife is kind to waiters, waitress, maids, and everyone.

In my case, the only reason I wanted to be with her was because she persisted in pursuing an affair and promised no strings and discretion. She delivered neither. 

Also, after the fact, when I broke off with her because she asked me to leave my wife and marry her. ...Something I told her from day one, I would never do, she outed the affair. 

Obviously after the affair, I thought even less of her than I did prior or after the affair. 

Because of my career, which offers a high income, a lot of free time, and speaking engagements that pay high fees, confer prestige, and attract lot of attention, I was often approached by women for one night stands, or outright affairs. 

Most of these women seemed too needy to me, and it seemed obvious that they were unhappy in their marriages and were looking for a way out. I was it, apparently. 

I chose my affair partner solely because she was very pushy and persistent about the affair, promised discretion, and no strings sex.

There was nothing particularly striking or special about her in any other way. In fact, the opposite would apply.

BTW: If people are attacking you, accusing you of being a troll or taking your thread off topic, you can report them. 

There is a report Icon to the lower left of the screen as you look at it.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I will now move on.


Great.




remorseful strayer said:


> Daisy:
> 
> To answer your original questions and these questions.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Daisy:
> 
> To answer your original questions and these questions.
> 
> ...


I just thought of another question...
You said that the woman you had the affair with was pushy and made promises. Before you met her, had you never had a thought or desire to go outside of your marriage and be with another woman? Was it the first time you had ever thought about that once she showed up and presented it to you, or had you thought about it before meeting her but dismissed it because it was wrong, and then this woman showed up pushing it?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You may want to read the forum rules. This is a site especially this section is to get help as an individual for personal issues. Not to ask things randomly because you have friends and want to take notes. You can see why many people think you are researching and well it's not very nice to use other peoples pain for your entertainment or homework.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You may want to read the forum rules. This is a site especially this section is to get help as an individual for personal issues. Not to ask things randomly because you have friends and want to take notes. You can see why many people think you are researching and well it's not very nice to use other peoples pain for your entertainment or homework.


Okay, I'll send a message to the Admin to get some clarification.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Perhaps the mods can do an IP check on the OP and settle it once and for all. Just because a name is similar does not necessarily mean they are a troll or not.

OP Rosie1 was a troll. There are tons of rumors about her but few true known facts. She engaged one member in some pretty heavy phone calls. She had a very high profile thread that reached over 1000 posts in a few days.

There have been many posts here asking for information. Let the MODS decide it the OP is or is not legit.

Sorry OP for the hijack. I will assume you are real until proven otherwise. I am useless to your post tho. Never cheated. Never tried. I get flirted with hard maybe 20 times a year and soft flirted if I am actually looking for it maybe twice a week. Not outright propositions like RS above. I do not reciprocate the flirting.

It IS interesting that I note that the hard flirting thing seems to start later in life. NOTHING special about me other than I am not fat or significantly over weight and have all my hair. I think part of what causes it is women being more aggressive combined with there are a LOT of lonely 35-50 year old women out there chasing a shrinking population of employable males.

Let the mods make the call on this thread.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I am useless to your post tho. Never cheated. Never tried. I get flirted with hard maybe 20 times a year and soft flirted if I am actually looking for it maybe twice a week. Not outright propositions like RS above. I do not reciprocate the flirting.
> 
> It IS interesting that I note that the hard flirting thing seems to start later in life. NOTHING special about me other than I am not fat or significantly over weight and have all my hair. I think part of what causes it is women being more aggressive combined with there are a LOT of lonely 35-50 year old women out there chasing a shrinking population of employable males.


Hmm, okay. That last part makes sense. It's crazy that you get hit on that much! Not that I know you or anything, but that's a lot for anyone! (well, at least to me)


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> Okay, I'll send a message to the Admin to get some clarification.


My previous post was to clear up some confusion I am in not attacking you. I'm just trying to clarify why others are posting these accusations in your thread. You can report anything inappropriate to the moderators.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

mablenc said:


> My previous post was to clear up some confusion I am in not attacking you. I'm just trying to clarify why others are posting these accusations in your thread. You can report anything inappropriate to the moderators.


Thank you but I am not confused about that in particular.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I just thought of another question...
> You said that the woman you had the affair with was pushy and made promises. Before you met her, had you never had a thought or desire to go outside of your marriage and be with another woman? Was it the first time you had ever thought about that once she showed up and presented it to you, or had you thought about it before meeting her but dismissed it because it was wrong, and then this woman showed up pushing it?


Yes. When my wife lost her sex drive, throughout that time frame, I had thought about having an affair fairly regularly, mainly because women were approaching me to offer affairs. 

I decided against having and affair with most of the women who approached me because they seemed unhappy in their marriages. To my mind they were looking to change out their husband and due to my career I seemed to be a better catch. Most of the women who approached me suggesting affairs were married. 

The woman I had an affair with seemed different. She was not. She was just a good actress, at least initially. She too eventually showed that she too wanted to dump her husband and marry me. 

I loved my wife and did not want to divorce her. We had discussed that early even prior to the affair.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

This site is intended for anyone who would like to discuss marriage - you don't need to have experienced infidelity to post in this section. I also have had friends confide in me regarding infidelity in their marriage and I have learned quite a bit on the subject from TAM.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Hmm, okay. That last part makes sense. It's crazy that you get hit on that much! Not that I know you or anything, but that's a lot for anyone! (well, at least to me)


LOL not really. I know a looks player. He is so good looking I can tell he is good looking, and no, I dont swing the other way. Like I said NOTHING special about me.

Ive seen him turn down 9s. Note a 9 is beautiful enough to be a full time model. he gets propositioned outright, DAILY.

Blessing and a curse. hes probably bedded a thousand women, Yes really. He has had 1 relationship, it was in high school and he is pushing 30. we tease him he is next up for the part of "Worlds Most Interesting Man."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ex-Sap said:


> Yes, I am glad to reply.
> 
> My wife always thought she was right about everything. I was to accept her behavior as right, whatever it was; I was to accept whatever she told me about our relationship. She would not discuss our relationship except to say she made more money and put more money into the marriage than I had. My wife always became infuriated when I tried to get her to modify her behavior to accommodate my needs and wishes.
> 
> ...


That sounds like your former wife may well have been a cheater, or considering cheating.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ex Sap curious.

Your relationship with female 2 started while married? Approx how long from meeting was it EA? then to PA? Are you still seeing female 2?

Matt even money either way. They are not particularly common but Ive known in second circle 'friends' females that go on power plays. Its their nature.


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## selfishbuthappy (Oct 10, 2012)

I've cheated. 3 times. All with the same "people". My wife and i have swung with them, and on 3 occasions i have had a threesome with them without her knowledge or consent. It would destroy our marriage, yet i did it hoping to never get caught. So far so good. I'm not proud of it, but i talked myself into it at the time(s). I would never consider an "affair", and have never looked for anything else outside my marriage. I just liked a little variety and this filled a void at the time. No excuses, it is not right but it is what happened. The female of the couple is very sexual and is always a fun time while in bed. She's more eager than my wife but i definitely enjoy my wife more, especially when she's as eager. It just seems it is more rare with my wife. I guess that's the draw to some degree. That, and the threesome or swapping dynamic is like live porn


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Ex Sap curious.
> 
> Your relationship with female 2 started while married? Approx how long from meeting was it EA? then to PA? Are you still seeing female 2?


He said he has divorced now and still with female 2, but I am also curious how long from meeting was it EA and then to PA...


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You may want to read the forum rules. This is a site especially this section is to get help as an individual for personal issues. Not to ask things randomly because you have friends and want to take notes. You can see why many people think you are researching and well it's not very nice to use other peoples pain for your entertainment or homework.


I agree strongly with the above ^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Ive never cheated on my wife...we are divorcing now because SHE cheated, but I have remained faithful

thats not to say I didnt have chances, or wasnt tempted...there were a few times I was very tempted and even considered it...it was always and only about sex...getting some strange...I didnt see her as better than my wife, hell in all but one possible my wife was more attractive...the temptation lied in getting some strange...that "feels like the first time" high...

luckily to me my marriage and my family were NEVER worth risking for some strange...

anything EMOTIONAL takes time and nurturing, so unless you are actively seeking it and working at cheating for a significant length of time, i dont see how men accidentally fall into an EA...a PA can happen very quickly, in the space of 4-5 drinks and a slow dance at a bar...but an EA takes time and nurturing, PLENTY of time to back off and re-establish boundries imo


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