# Verbal Abuse



## confusedandworried (Jan 1, 2013)

I looked for this topic but could not find it, might be looking in wrong place. I know people out there somewhere are dealing wiht this. I have been married 20 years, 2 children. My husband has become very angry at the world it seems. He is constantly screaming, complaining, slamming things, telling me I loose/misplace his things when I clean....and half the time he ends up finding where he placed it....everytime something breaks or goes wrong its my fault, he tells me to shut the f... up all the time. I am afraid to even ask him anything because he gets mad at everything I do. I think he does it on purpose. No matter what I do its wrong. Its like I cant win no matter what...Im in a no-win situation no matter what I do. He complains that me and my daughter accumlate too much trash....cause hes suppose to take it off.....we dirty up too much clothers...but he dont help anyway with the clothes, etc. you name it he complains and his favorite word is F.... I am sooo sick of this, but I only have 1 1/2 years of nursing school to get my RN. Should I give this up and leave or try to deal with this that much longer?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has he been like this?

A good book to read is "The Dance of Anger"

On the topic of you moving his stuff. Have one place in the house where you put the stuff he leaves around. That way he will always know where to find it.

I Googled on "emotional abuse" and had a lot of info come up. Here is one site that might be helpful.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

There are ways to put an end to his behavior. Do not engage him when he's like this. Use the 'stop' technique.

When he starts to go off on you put your hand up in the stop gesture and say firmly "STOP". Repeat 2-3 times if needed to get him to stop his tirade. Then tell him you are leaving to give him time to calm down. Then take your children and go to a quiet room in the house, for a walk or a drive. Get get away from him.

You can practice this in front of a mirror. I did this. Stood in front of a mirror and imagined my husband’s in a rage with it escalating. Then I'd go through the stop routine. I practiced it until it was an automatic response.

Then I told him that I would no longer talk with him when he was having an emotional outburst. He was responsible for keeping himself calm and talking to me in a respectful manner. 

It took about 6 months of me following through on this until he stopped the angry outbursts. It got to the point that when he was in a rage he’s go on a bike ride for an hour. Then once he calmed down he’d come talk to me.
If your husband ever hits you or uses any violence call the police. Do not allow this to go on.

Your husband would also benefit from anger management classes.

You would benefit from counseling for abused women.

Depending on what state you live in, you could get rehabilitative spousal support and child support if you leave him. That way you could finish y our schooling. A visit to an attorney to find out your rights might help you feel more secure in standing up to him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How long has he been doing this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedandworried (Jan 1, 2013)

About 4 years, it has just slowly gotten worse. He is always mad at
either me or my daughter for something. I almost think that he actually tries to find something to get mad at us about . He is so ugly and rude to me and our daughter, he makes us both cry sometimes because he is so hateful. He does not physically harm us but he does scare us. He has what I call temper tantrums where he is yelling, cursing, throwing things, etc. He does not help with anything around the house which Im use to that now, he also will not help with our daughter, like picking her up or taking her to school sometimes, taking her or picking her up frocm a friends, dropping her off at places like the movies with her friends, etc. He also has a drug problem that has gotten really bad. He has been in jail, totaled 3 cars within the last 1 1/2 years, lost his job so now there is no medical insurance for any of us. Me and my daughter hate it here, he is making us soooo miserable. Our daughter wont even have any of her girlfriends stay the night because of him. His dad has money so every time he goes to jail....daddy gets him out, his daddy bought him all of the cars he has totaled and as of last week his dad came by the house in a new pick up truck and handed him the keys!! He bought him a brand new truck, leather, power everything, extended cab, 4 wheel drive and with XM radion already installed. Its sickening. I work my tail off and he just gets things handed to him for nothing, and he doesnt deserve it. I just sometimes wonder if this is worth nursing school, to put me and my daughter through this any longer. Ive been here this long whats one more year and a half. But its really starting to affect me. I have been put a medicine for panic attacks and one for my nerves. I know this has got to be affecting our daughter also but I dont really know in what way yet, but it will show sooner or later. She also wants to leave here but she also wants me to finish school. I dont see how I could do clinicals and work full time with a child and no help. Her and her dad do not have a relationship AT ALL. Its really sad. So if I were to leave I would have to work full time to pay for me and my daughter a place to live which means I could not do clinicals. I wont get child support from him, he would end up going to jail...which thats fine with me but that would leave me hanging with no help at all. I dont want anything to do with him once I leave and our daughter does not either. We are soo tired and sick of his crap. I know its my decision on whether to stay and finish school and put up with this a while longer, or just leave now and be done with this craziness. I need advice or opinions or something. I feel like I cant even think straight anymore, I dont know what the right decision is.


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## Intheabyss (Jan 3, 2013)

confusedandworried said:


> I looked for this topic but could not find it, might be looking in wrong place. I know people out there somewhere are dealing wiht this. I have been married 20 years, 2 children. My husband has become very angry at the world it seems. He is constantly screaming, complaining, slamming things, telling me I loose/misplace his things when I clean....and half the time he ends up finding where he placed it....everytime something breaks or goes wrong its my fault, he tells me to shut the f... up all the time. I am afraid to even ask him anything because he gets mad at everything I do. I think he does it on purpose. No matter what I do its wrong. Its like I cant win no matter what...Im in a no-win situation no matter what I do. He complains that me and my daughter accumlate too much trash....cause hes suppose to take it off.....we dirty up too much clothers...but he dont help anyway with the clothes, etc. you name it he complains and his favorite word is F.... I am sooo sick of this, but I only have 1 1/2 years of nursing school to get my RN. Should I give this up and leave or try to deal with this that much longer?


I know what you are going through. Been through much of the same myself. And when you seek help/advice so many do not consider emotional abuse as an issue. You should read the response I just got from my thread, telling me to stop tearing lives apart and popping out kids. All the while my post was simply asking for advice because I am emotionally dead due to emotional abuse. With that said, please know that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. Emotional wounds do not heal as quickly as physical wounds. I suggest you get counseling for yourself and when you are strong enough, try and convince him to go to counceling. The C for yourself will assist you not to lose yourself in the process as I have (lost myself that is). I wish you all the best and stay strong for yourself and your family.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

confusedandworried said:


> I looked for this topic but could not find it, might be looking in wrong place. I know people out there somewhere are dealing wiht this. I have been married 20 years, 2 children. My husband has become very angry at the world it seems. He is constantly screaming, complaining, slamming things, telling me I loose/misplace his things when I clean....and half the time he ends up finding where he placed it....everytime something breaks or goes wrong its my fault, he tells me to shut the f... up all the time. I am afraid to even ask him anything because he gets mad at everything I do. I think he does it on purpose. No matter what I do its wrong. Its like I cant win no matter what...Im in a no-win situation no matter what I do. He complains that me and my daughter accumlate too much trash....cause hes suppose to take it off.....we dirty up too much clothers...but he dont help anyway with the clothes, etc. you name it he complains and his favorite word is F.... I am sooo sick of this, but I only have 1 1/2 years of nursing school to get my RN. Should I give this up and leave or try to deal with this that much longer?


Is he taking too much of work-load at home. I found that I used to screaming, complaining, slamming when someone hurts me when I'm not wrong viz; gaslighting or when I'm taking too much of house hold work.


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## confusedandworried (Jan 1, 2013)

Work-load at home? You mean house work? Example of today: I got up and went to clean a house this morning for extra money, he stayed home AGAIN sleeping on the couch. I got in, washed clothes, straightened up, left to go dry the clothes at a laundry mat. I have not had a dryer for about 3 months and he hasnt even looked at it. They were also his work clothes I took to dry today. Picked up our daughter from school, went to grocery store, carried groceries inside in the cold rain while he sat and watched me carry them all in...he didnt help...never does but he will watch. And then wanted to know what there was to eat. He does work when he works but gets off at 4:00 then goes to hang out with friends, or just doesnt go to work when he dont feel like it and lays on the couch for days acting like a butthead. Then he at me for pulling my car up to the door in the yard. If you could see our yard you can see where there is a path he uses to drive to the back ALL the time as there is no grass there. He dont do clothes, dishes, mop, sweep, clean the yard, wont take the trash off half the time I do, and yells that I accumulate too much trash. Yells that things may not be clean when he needs them.....no dryer and he dont like them hung dry as they are too stiff and he isnt going to l laundry mat. Its just always something no matter what I do. I have always worked full time up until two weeks ago. I quit to start clinicals which he knew was coming for a while and he agreed to take up the slack until I got my loan money and part time job. He hasnt helped at all yet. I dont have insurance anymore to go to counseling but I have been in the past...it helped some. He has been numerous times but it hasnt helped him...he wont ever take any of the medicine the doctors have given because they diagnosed him bipolar. I want to put my my personal things in my trunk and take my daughter and just leave and go to another state all the time and not tell anyone where I am and start over.


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

Don't give up on Nursing school !!! I am a RN had lots of problems in my marriage . Basically for years was a stay at home mom raised kids a lot of times alone as he was active duty . For years he verbally abused me he belittled me. He had a affair I had a hard time dealing with it and thought it was best I had a plan. It was difficult to do and stay on target . I graduated from college with a degree in Nursing and then I suddenly had confidence in myself . I knew that I could support myself and children.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

What is he doing for you that you are staying with him?

I mean what are you getting from this marriage?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

confusedandworried said:


> The doctors... diagnosed him bipolar.


C&W, was his diagnosis for bipolar-1 (which includes both depression and manic episodes) or for bipolar-2 (which excludes the mania)? I ask because that distinction is very important. Also, was the doctor a regular medical doctor or a psychologist?


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Do you have any family or friends nearby that you can live with til you finish school?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

confusedandworried said:


> I looked for this topic but could not find it, might be looking in wrong place. I know people out there somewhere are dealing wiht this. I have been married 20 years, 2 children. My husband has become very angry at the world it seems. He is constantly screaming, complaining, slamming things, telling me I loose/misplace his things when I clean....and half the time he ends up finding where he placed it....everytime something breaks or goes wrong its my fault, he tells me to shut the f... up all the time. I am afraid to even ask him anything because he gets mad at everything I do. I think he does it on purpose. No matter what I do its wrong. Its like I cant win no matter what...Im in a no-win situation no matter what I do. He complains that me and my daughter accumlate too much trash....cause hes suppose to take it off.....we dirty up too much clothers...but he dont help anyway with the clothes, etc. you name it he complains and his favorite word is F.... I am sooo sick of this, but I only have 1 1/2 years of nursing school to get my RN. Should I give this up and leave or try to deal with this that much longer?


I'd get out now before it progresses into physical abuse.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree, go to mom's and start evaluating divorce. Like others note, what are you getting out of this except, stress, fear, and mistreatment.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

I do understand what you are saying. I too am in an emotional/verbal abusive relationship. Everything that might irritate him, make him mad, or even the simplest question I ask elicits an argument. I am the receipient of all the crap. Well, last week I had had enough of that because its starting to affect my health now. I went to Urgent Care and got xanax. It does help during the bad times, but now I have to weigh the options of whether or not to stay. I made him talk to me about all this and he promised to "do better", but just tonight I asked a question and it started all over again. A few weeks ago I started secretly packing my stuff and mailing boxes home. (2,000 miles away). I don't know what my future holds but I am hoarding and saving money and mailing boxes home because my security is gone. Good luck to you!!


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Another thought....my hubby has Borderline Personality Disease-BPD. Please look into this as yours may have this as well instead of being Bi-polar.


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## Stupid wife (Mar 20, 2013)

OMG. I just posted my same issue!


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## Stupid wife (Mar 20, 2013)

Caligyrl said:


> I do understand what you are saying. I too am in an emotional/verbal abusive relationship. Everything that might irritate him, make him mad, or even the simplest question I ask elicits an argument. I am the receipient of all the crap. Well, last week I had had enough of that because its starting to affect my health now. I went to Urgent Care and got xanax. It does help during the bad times, but now I have to weigh the options of whether or not to stay. I made him talk to me about all this and he promised to "do better", but just tonight I asked a question and it started all over again. A few weeks ago I started secretly packing my stuff and mailing boxes home. (2,000 miles away). I don't know what my future holds but I am hoarding and saving money and mailing boxes home because my security is gone. Good luck to you!!


I hear you about the whole health issue. I am also on xanax. I also have ADHD on top of all this and on meds for that. I also have Lupus and high blood pressure but NO he doesn't care how bad I feel and can't sleep or eat when he does his ranting.
I really understand.


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