# Need Advice Please



## needahelpinghand (Jan 26, 2013)

My husband and I are struggling in many ways after his stroke and heart attack and I would like a helping hand but I am not sure how to ask for it. This is where I would like some advice.

I found a website called gofundme and it helps put the word out when people are wanting to raise awareness for financial needs, or whatever their needs are, like an artist who wants scaffolding, or someone raising money to start a small business...etc.

And most of you know the website Kijiji to advertise for free.

I am not sure whether to take the chance and put the word out that we need help or whether I will just look stupid letting everyone know how badly we are doing.

gofundme suggests creating a page to tell people what is going on and then to post it to facebook. I made the page on their site but I am not sure if I should put it up on facebook. I don't want to spam people but I do want them to know we do need help.

on the kijiji site I want to post 
LOOKING FOR HELPING HANDS & A KIND HEARTS
My husband and I are in need of help from anyone in the area who may be able to lend a helping hand.
We've reached bottom and would like a hand up if anyone is able to offer it. I'm a burned out caregiver helping my husband who had a stroke and a heart attack. 
I wish we had friends or family in this area to help us.
What we need most are friends around us for encouragement, and to have a visit and share a coffee and chat, but it is only the two of us day in and day out and we are not doing well.

If any of you know the "system" available in our area for any help, you know of the long waiting lists you can be put on, for such things as friendly visitors, respite, etc.
I would love a helping hand, someone who knows how to see past these troubling times we find ourselves in, and who knows how uplifting it can be to have that help and how it can rejuvenate a soul to want to carry on in a more positive and refreshed way.
We do not have money at the moment to offer.
I always hope that there is something we can do to give back in appreciation. 
Some of the things we could use help with specifically:
Friendly visitor
Taking hubby out for awhile so I can get some respite
Tidying up a bit
Organizational suggestions
Budgeting so we can get back on our feet financially if possible
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My question is "would you post these if you were in my place?"


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## needahelpinghand (Jan 26, 2013)

I suppose if 119 people have looked at this, by the stats on the forum here, I guess that means, NO, I shouldn't ask for a helping hand in these ways, as they probably wouldn't. Thanks, the silence speaks volumes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, I personally would not post those.

Your not alone, so many people are struggling to live day to day. It's been this way for a long time now. I'm disabled and I'm unable to work after breaking my neck nearly 5 years ago. My husband works up to 3 jobs at a time to support us.(his choice). I don't collect disability either, which I could since I'm truly disabled and homebound. I'm extremely grateful for what we do have. 

I would never work the "system" either. I've never heard of either website you mentioned. I could never ask help from strangers, not even family. What we do is on our own no matter how tough it is.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Are either of you members of a church? This is exactly the kind of thing churches help out with. Even if you aren't official members but have semi-regularly attended a particular church. Don't be shy calling the office and asking for help.

I would make a more personal appeal rather than a generic letter on your FaceBook. You could use almost exactly that wording but put it in an email. You could even do it via FaceBook messaging. If possible personalize it for each recipient with their name at the top.

Don't feel stupid or shy about asking for help. If someone is going to look down on you for your situation they are not a friend worth having! People may or may not be able to help you with money or labor but your real friends will at least be an emotional support.


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## needahelpinghand (Jan 26, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No, I personally would not post those.
> 
> Your not alone, so many people are struggling to live day to day. It's been this way for a long time now. I'm disabled and I'm unable to work after breaking my neck nearly 5 years ago. My husband works up to 3 jobs at a time to support us.(his choice). I don't collect disability either, which I could since I'm truly disabled and homebound. I'm extremely grateful for what we do have.
> 
> I would never work the "system" either. I've never heard of either website you mentioned. I could never ask help from strangers, not even family. What we do is on our own no matter how tough it is.


Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I tend to understand your strong stand on supporting yourself and working things through on your own. You do sound strong and in control of your situation.

I tend to disagree though with not asking for help, especially from family. Family is strongest when it works together and we are stronger when family rallies around us.

People know that hubby and I are having some difficult times, but unless they know specifically how they can help, a lot of times they feel at a loss as to what they can do to be helpful.

We do have the encouragement online from our FB friends and I am immensely thankful for that. It has seen us through some really trying times. But we are still very much alone and it does become seriously taxing on us mentally and physically. I would like a break and I am sure hubby would like someone other than myself to interact with.

I know we could use some intervention, interaction, but I just am not certain as to how to ask for this help and that is why I thought of these two options so far.

Approaching a church, mentioned by Thor, is a good one for sure. We both may benefit from that.


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## needahelpinghand (Jan 26, 2013)

Thor said:


> Are either of you members of a church? This is exactly the kind of thing churches help out with. Even if you aren't official members but have semi-regularly attended a particular church. Don't be shy calling the office and asking for help.
> 
> I would make a more personal appeal rather than a generic letter on your FaceBook. You could use almost exactly that wording but put it in an email. You could even do it via FaceBook messaging. If possible personalize it for each recipient with their name at the top.
> 
> Don't feel stupid or shy about asking for help. If someone is going to look down on you for your situation they are not a friend worth having! People may or may not be able to help you with money or labor but your real friends will at least be an emotional support.


Thor, Thank You for your informative reply and it definitely makes a lot of sense to approach a local church. Where would we find more open compassion for sure?

I guess I didn't mean that I feel stupid asking for help, but rather in the ways of asking for help. FB is a very useful tool in people's lives in many ways and this is why I thought it might be useful for us. Again, I am just not certain how to approach people so as not to spam anyone. Maybe the personalized messages would make a lot more sense for me to approach it that way.

I also did consider that anyone taking offense and dropping me from their FB friends, is as you say, not a friend worth having. I am, and always will be there for anyone who reaches out to me. Hubby and I are just that kind of people, we are always ready to help others and funny that we aren't good at being the ones to ask now that we are in need. We just don't find it as easy when we are the ones who are the helpers normally.

I know I have to go with my gut feeling and I'll have to give this all some more thought, but I will approach a local church.
Thank You!


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Do you have family or friends that you could do some sharing of 'big jobs' within a reciprocal arrangement? 

For example: My sis and I have been taking turns helping each other out tackling decluttering / cleaning disaster areas of each others homes. It's so much easier and more fun when you have some one to work with. The other person can be more objective and help you to let go of junk plus have ideas on how better to set up things. It really helps with motivation to get going as well. Also, it meets the need for having a friendly visitor but being productive at the same time. We stop for our coffee/tea/lunch and generally just chat the whole time away while we work. I offered to do the same thing with my friend when she heard about what I was doing with my sister. We all have problems, some to more or less degrees, so it helps when we can ask for assistance but also help someone else who may need it at the same time. Misery loves company! hee hee

We can also use our talents to help others that do not have that skill and vice-versa for areas where we are weak. On the topic of organizational suggestions, one thing we learned from her friend is not to keep sentimental things if they are just adding to clutter. Take a photo of trophies, nik-naks etc. so you will have the memory but without the junk!

What country are you in? I can suggest some budgeting tools that are available on-line that have helped me. Here are two to start:

Free Financial Calculators for Excel

wwws.mint.com

I'd be happy to give my advice to any specific budgeting/finance questions, since I've needed to become an expert on this myself.


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## needahelpinghand (Jan 26, 2013)

debster said:


> Do you have family or friends that you could do some sharing of 'big jobs' within a reciprocal arrangement?
> 
> For example: My sis and I have been taking turns helping each other out tackling decluttering / cleaning disaster areas of each others homes. It's so much easier and more fun when you have some one to work with. The other person can be more objective and help you to let go of junk plus have ideas on how better to set up things. It really helps with motivation to get going as well. Also, it meets the need for having a friendly visitor but being productive at the same time. We stop for our coffee/tea/lunch and generally just chat the whole time away while we work. I offered to do the same thing with my friend when she heard about what I was doing with my sister. We all have problems, some to more or less degrees, so it helps when we can ask for assistance but also help someone else who may need it at the same time. Misery loves company! hee hee
> 
> ...


Lots of great advice and helpful links too. Thank You!

All that you describe is what I am seeking. The friendship, the interaction, the sharing, the working together, and helping each other scenario. No, we don't have family and friends nearby at the moment and this is why I was wondering how to approach asking for such a scenario to occur.

That may be a better way to approach this, not asking for help, but rather suggesting that we help each other.

I am a lot better at helping someone else than I am at asking for help for myself. I find it easier to organize someone else's place than my own. 

I'm in Canada, and I will have a look at those budgeting links you posted here. I'm up for trying them for sure. Again, thank you!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

There are many seniors & retired people who would love to help you. They are seeking volunteer work & friendship. We have a senior center here in my town & I would post a note on the bulletin board.

I know some seniors who have wanted to volunteer at organizations but are turned down because of the economy - they have too many volunteers due to the economy here in the US & the seniors are not as desirable sometimes as younger people.


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## needahelpinghand (Jan 26, 2013)

Emerald said:


> There are many seniors & retired people who would love to help you. They are seeking volunteer work & friendship. We have a senior center here in my town & I would post a note on the bulletin board.
> 
> I know some seniors who have wanted to volunteer at organizations but are turned down because of the economy - they have too many volunteers due to the economy here in the US & the seniors are not as desirable sometimes as younger people.


Thank you Emerald for your thoughtful reply. I do believe there are those seniors and retired people out in my local community who would probably love to lend a helping hand. It's just a matter of making the connection with them. 

I am trying very desperately today to find anyone, anywhere, that might be able to assist us.
I sent msg's to a lot of local services and some not so local to put the word out.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

needahelpinghand said:


> I'm in Canada, and I will have a look at those budgeting links you posted here. I'm up for trying them for sure. Again, thank you!


I sent you a private message a couple of days ago. Not sure if you got it, and I can't seem to find it in my mailbox. Never sent a private message on this site before so perhaps I don't know how to use it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There's a box to check before you send a message to keep a copy in your sent file. If you don't check the box you don't have any record the message was sent.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would try calling those social services offices, not texting or emailing. On your FB page, just post a status for today saying 'I'm grateful that hubby is now healthier, but boy am I stressed out. I never knew how hard it is to be the sole caregiver for an elderly person, with no one to help me out. If anyone has any ideas on how I can get some respite or government help, I would really appreciate hearing them as I am about at the end of my rope, doing this all on my own.'

That way, you're not specifically asking anyone for anything, but real friends will get the hint.


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