# What do I do?



## Good_girl (Dec 23, 2021)

Recently caught my husband lying about a gift he received. He told me it was from a guy friend which I later found out was not true after speaking to that friend. I have 2 kids ages 12 and 15 and they are aware of our problems wrt this. I am so sad and heartbroken about the lies that my husband tells. I think he actually believes his own lies. He insists that I am the only one but I just don't know how to feel anymore. I am mentally drained especially when now is supposed to a joyous and memorable time for our family. What do I do?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

While lying is bad in and of itself, the receipt of a gift is not automatically indicative of an affair assuming the gift itself is not sexual in nature. 

What else is going on that you suspect him of stepping out on you?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Good_girl said:


> I think he actually believes his own lies.


Don't you believe that for one moment. It is preposterous. A liar knows he's lying.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You’re going to have to go James Bond on his phone, tablet, and laptop to get into his text, email, and social media. As his wife and mother of his kids, he should be an open book to you. You may want to get a voice activated recorder from Best Buy. About 50 dollars. You Velcro strap it to the bottom of the passenger seat of his car. If he’s calling the girl on his commute, bringing her into his car, or bragging about it to some “friend” you be able to catch him. 

There is the possibility that the gift was from a girl so he lied to not trigger any jealousy but you should trust your gut. It’s rarely wrong. If he’s being secretive with his phone or acting shady, you’ve been with him long enough to know something isn’t kosher.

It’s a shame if your husband really is betraying the family when your kids are at the critical time when a family break up can throw them into a tailspin.

The more info you provide, the better that we can assist with guidance or just lend an ear if you need to vent.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

That isn’t a bunch of info to base a response on. It sounds as if you have a lot more back history.... let’s have it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So now you know it wasn't from his male friend, who does he now say it's from?.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Good_girl said:


> Recently caught my husband lying about a gift he received. He told me it was from a guy friend which I later found out was not true after speaking to that friend. I have 2 kids ages 12 and 15 and they are aware of our problems wrt this. I am so sad and heartbroken about the lies that my husband tells. I think he actually believes his own lies. He insists that I am the only one but I just don't know how to feel anymore. I am mentally drained especially when now is supposed to a joyous and memorable time for our family. What do I do?


My most charitable guess is that he received from a female coworker and he doesn't like to say, "no".

He shouldn't have lied to you. Unless the co-worker gave him a sexy gift, there was no reason to lie about it. Why lie about a box of chocolates or whatever it was he received?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Good_girl said:


> Recently caught my husband lying about a gift he received. He told me it was from a guy friend which I later found out was not true after speaking to that friend. I have 2 kids ages 12 and 15 and they are aware of our problems wrt this. I am so sad and heartbroken about the lies that my husband tells. I think he actually believes his own lies. He insists that I am the only one but I just don't know how to feel anymore. I am mentally drained especially when now is supposed to a joyous and memorable time for our family. What do I do?


Gosh its near Christmas time and he gets a gift from someone who is female. 

As stated above. This could be innocent or it could be a real red flag. It also sounds like there is a back story that is not being shared.

Good luck. My advice to to not think of yourself as a victim and unless there is more information give the father of your children a little benefit of the doubt.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> its near Christmas time and he gets a gift from someone who is female.


Lots of guys have a "work wife". Someone who takes care of him, looks out for him, is a really good friend to him. Seldom does this extend into any kind of romance. It's a purely "work together" thing. Shouldn't be any lies, though.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Does he have a habit of lying about things? Have you caught him in previous lies?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

For now, at least, it's the lying that's most important. The gift might be innocent (and it might not be).

But what you do know is that he's lying and that's not good.

Call him out on each of his lies. You don't have to yell and scream, just call him out on his lies.

Ask him when lying became OK in your relationship.

Ask him if he'd be alright with you lying to him as much as he's lying to you.


Now, all of this is moot if you're not going to do anything about it.

This is about boundaries. One shouldn't gripe about something and then not do anything about it.

Part of why he keeps lying to you (I said part, not all) is because he can. He gets away with it. You aren't calling him out on it in real time.

You need to set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries with him regarding lying and likely many other things too.

Right now, why should he stop lying to you? Yeah, he should stop because it's wrong, but he doesn't care about that obviously. My point is that he lies to you because he can and because it's working for him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

GG, does your husband think you are a jealous person?

Could he have lied about who gave him the gift to try and keep the peace?

Like others have asked, what else is going on?


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## Good_girl (Dec 23, 2021)

Thanks for your reply. The gift is not sexual in nature but my gut feeling is that there may be something going on and I just don't want to be played for a fool..why lie if there's nothing to hide?


jsmart said:


> You’re going to have to go James Bond on his phone, tablet, and laptop to get into his text, email, and social media. As his wife and mother of his kids, he should be an open book to you. You may want to get a voice activated recorder from Best Buy. About 50 dollars. You Velcro strap it to the bottom of the passenger seat of his car. If he’s calling the girl on his commute, bringing her into his car, or bragging about it to some “friend” you be able to catch him.
> 
> There is the possibility that the gift was from a girl so he lied to not trigger any jealousy but you should trust your gut. It’s rarely wrong. If he’s being secretive with his phone or acting shady, you’ve been with him long enough to know something isn’t kosher.
> 
> ...


I appreciate this advice very much. I will be taking this and using it. Thank you so much for listening


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## Good_girl (Dec 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So now you know it wasn't from his male friend, who does he now say it's from?.


He said he bought it. Pretty much does not want to say anything else more than likely because he knows i caught the lie. The next day the gift was gone from the house


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Good_girl said:


> He said he bought it. Pretty much does not want to say anything else more than likely because he knows i caught the lie. The next day the gift was gone from the house


So presumably you have told him you know it wasnt from the male friend? Then you asked him who it was actually from? What did he say?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How expensive was it? Is that possibly be the reason he lied?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there are a ton of possible innocent reasons this happened.
and maybe he knew you would react in a jealous way if he told you the truth, so he tried to sugar coat the whole thing.

without anything more to cause suspicion, especially now at Christmas time, i would not worry about it.


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