# Everything Around me is Falling Apart



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

Here's my marriage/relationship from the last year in a nutshell.

My name is Krystal.
My husband's name is James.


 Met James end of June 09 after a failed two year relationship ended a few months before my wedding, also less than a month after I was released from a mental hospital for trying to kill myself.

 Love at first sight started dating July 6th 2009

 James became homeless in July and I lived with him out of a tent during nights in an old tabacco barn and shared my parents home/food/electricity with him during the day.

 Somethings CRAZY events (due to a car accident) led to another and him and I both ended up homeless in August.

 Lived in an abandoned house for over a month with my sick and dying cat Alistar (he had kitten herpes)

 Nursed Alistar back to health after moving back in with parents but noticed James' anger being directed at throwing the cat.

 Despite my attempts to calmly explain to him he can't handle kittens so roughly one night he murdered Alistar when he threw him in a fit of rage (that was directed at me). Alistar hit the toilet seized and died shortly afterwards. THE most traumatizing night of my life.

 James was so over come with guilt (after blaming everything on me for hours) that we drove around all night after burying him some where special and slept in a random persons backyard.

 Fast forward through time. He hits me for the first time (actually he blacked out and tried to choke me to death but stopped himself when he snapped out of it).

 He's never hit a girl EVER before and has always been against it in every way no matter what a woman does. So I forgive him.

 More abuse occurs over the ensuing months until finally one day after being rushed to the hospital almost dead I find out I'm pregnant (something I've always wanted but thought impossible due to several miscarriages I've had and a case of serious endometriosis).

 Less than 24 hours later, Christmas night 2009 he attacks me again. We go through the usual routine. He blames EVERYTHING on me. Makes me feel like **** about myself. To the point where I'm ready to kill myself. Runs off. I call him back. He apologizes for everything and I forgive him.

 That was the last time he ever hit me. There have been some "holding me too hard" incidences since then when I was pregnant that left bruises but he hasn't done that since I was like 5/6 months pregnant.

 I go through a really rough pregnancy. In and out of the hospital. Made to feel like **** every time I have to go because James thinks I don't need to go.

 We had promised to get married very early in the relationship and James changed his mind later on and decided to wait till we have our own place.

 My mother convinces us to move our wedding date to before the baby is born and promises to pay for the wedding if we do so her grand son's not a "bastard". So we move the date to July 18th.

 I go into labor two months premature due to stresses that he, my family, and outside sources put on me. I get married in the hospital bed July 6th, have the baby July 7th. My son is in the hospital for one month.

 He is now home and healthy and 4 months old named Julius Azlyn **** (although at the developmental level of less than a twmo month old.. we love him anyways!)

 James abuses pot. Needs it all the time. Says he doesn't but he does. He's done good barely smoking more than a 20 bag a week as opposed to half an ounce lately but it still poses a problem from time to time. I have NO problem with him doing weed (I think it should be legal) as long as it's never around Julius (and it isn't) and as long as he doesn't smoke it non stop.

 Now that I'm not pregnant I can physically deal with the stresses I'm trying to deal with. I'm dealing with the craziness that is my mental illness. Bipolar Disorder, possible DID, probably BPD etc etc. I can now deal with my brother's death (he died a year and four days ago).

 But for a long time James wouldn't let me deal with those things. Always said I needed to be stronger for him and Julius. Always made me feel like **** for having TERRIBLE self esteem problems which he only exacerbates. Etc etc. But now this past week since his mom has called him out and told him he needs to grow up and be a man he now lets me deal with my depression occasionally as long as it is not inconviencing him.

 He used to tell me I never did enough in the day. Then it changed from that to I do enough but I need to do it faster. It was that for a LONG time. I just need to manage my time more. And he said that it's for the best of me. That he wants me to be faster with house work so I have more me time. It's what ever now.

 He helps around the house but has bouts of laziness. The more I clean, the less he cleans. He the last three days (not counting today) has finally been taking more of a place in our sons life.

 He has yet to get a job and refuses to go and look for a job. Always coming up with excuses and getting furious with me when I bring it up whether I bring it up nicely (like I first tried), hint to him, or just plain out tell him how it is.


So that's us in a nutshell. A really big nutshell that is MUCH more complicated (and bigger) than this, sadly. Now this is my problem. Communication. Our communication is F****ED. Completely non existant. Not because niether one of us tries because we try try try try TRY but we just can't seem to get across to each other. Never on the same page.

Example: This morning I found out I'm not getting this job I was supposed to because of a shop lifting record from when I got caught stealing TWO DOLLARS worth of food and Walmart had me thrown in jail over a year ago. He tells me "Well Assisted Living in South Port will not care about that." I respond "Yes but I'm not applying there today." I was emotional. On the toilet peeing trying to hold myself together because I've just lost YET another opportunity to take care of my family. Because I was emotional when I said it he immediately interpretsit as I'm going to freak out. Starts accusing me of things, freaks out on me. Raises his voice. I in awe ask him what he's talking about. I start raising my voice trying DESPERATELY to explain I wasn't meanign anything by the tone of what I said. I'm crying begging him to understand. I tell him that this is exactly why I've been considering divorce. That if life is going to continue to be like this every day that I CANT do it. He randomly come to me and hugs me like he's going to forgive me. I sob uncontrollably into his shoulder. Apologize for what ever I did wrong. Try to explain I wasn't meaning anything mean or what ever he thought. Then he randomly blows up again and goes crazy. Now he's left for welding training and I have no idea when he'll be back. Of course he left rudely and was an ass to me before he left. When I asked him why he was being mean he said "I'm still pissed" my response was "me too but I'm not being a b**** honey." He left in a huff.

This is exactly what happens every day several times a day. This kind of.... communication issue? Emotional abuse? I don't know what to call it. Help?


----------



## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Can you stay with your parents? You need to get out, get in school, make a future for yourself and your child. You do not want to be homeless with a baby. 

If you are thinking about leaving, do not tell James until you are out and in a safe place.

There are progams available for displaced homemakers that will help pay for school. If you can get some skills to help you in the job market, you can take care of yourself and your baby.

James will never help you overcome your anxieties, he will only make them worse. You can do this, you can be strong for your child and do what you have to do.


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

We both live my parents. I may be brainwashed in saying it's not as bad as it sounds... idk. I just want to work things out with him. He's amazing. Like all of these terrible things there are ONE THOUSAND great things about him. He's only gotten worse lately because of his depression from being disowned by his step father. I want to find a way to help him get through this. But I don't know how. And if I can't, and if marraige cousneling doesn't help... I'll have to divorce him. But I don't want to. I don't want to lose the good times. He's like this 10 % of the time. 90 % he's PERFECT. But 10 % is a lot when it's this crazy.


----------



## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Understand the focusing on good times thing. Wanting to make it work.

But the controlling way he punishes you for being emotional. That is abusive, it's cruel. He won't work. That is just plain wrong not to take care of his family.

Your history is that you don't value yourself. He feeds into this and treats you like you are of no value.

You do have value!!! There is help out there, counselors, medications that can keep you from falling into depressions. Help you to heal and start to love and accept yourself.

Can James be supportive of that? Or would he feel threatened if you became a more confident person?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's physically and emotionally abusive to you. And I don't see much in there that shows there's a plan to addressing any of the issues between you. So unless you're prepared to continue down that path for the next however many years, I don't see many options.

C


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Understand the focusing on good times thing. Wanting to make it work.
> 
> But the controlling way he punishes you for being emotional. That is abusive, it's cruel. He won't work. That is just plain wrong not to take care of his family.
> 
> ...


That's what I'm trying to decide. Will he be supportive? If he is I can work through this. If he's not then I'll have to get a divorce. I get it's a pretty black and white situation. But I'm just having A LOT of trouble dealing with it and knowing how to emotionally handle it. I don't know how to be without him. I feel like I would die but I know that's my dependancy and brain washing talking. How much of it is true love?


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

PBear said:


> He's physically and emotionally abusive to you. And I don't see much in there that shows there's a plan to addressing any of the issues between you. So unless you're prepared to continue down that path for the next however many years, I don't see many options.
> 
> C


He tries a lot actually. We sit down and talk for hours but he just never gets what I'm saying and I never get what he's saying :/


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

AM, that could be, but if you keep doing the same things over and over again and nothing's changing, what's the point? Albert Einstein has a quote about that... Unless the two of you do something to break through that cycle, when will it change?

C


----------



## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

anxiousmiss said:


> That's what I'm trying to decide. Will he be supportive? If he is I can work through this. If he's not then I'll have to get a divorce. I get it's a pretty black and white situation. But I'm just having A LOT of trouble dealing with it and knowing how to emotionally handle it. I don't know how to be without him. I feel like I would die but I know that's my dependancy and brain washing talking. How much of it is true love?


Deal is, Sweetgirl, he needs massive amounts of counseling himself. The issues that he has are deep. He might do very well with SSRIs, they tend to even out people's emotions.

But all you can do is suggest. People like your husband tend to believe that they are just fine, it's everyone else that has the problem. People like this lack empathy, and really don't care how you are feeling. 

Not a good environment for your little boy.

It's going to be really hard to break away from this relationship. Can you find a counselor to start seeing? You can call the local women's shelter, they have counselors on call and they are GREAT to talk to about your situation. Maybe get involved with some group therapy to help you become confidant and help you work through this.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

First off, I'll tell you now, I'm going to be pretty blunt...there are a lot of things here that seem pretty black and white to me and then a whole lot more that are big red flags. I totally get that a lot of dependency has been fostered in this relationship, so I'm going to try to boil some of this down to facts and bullet points.

*Big Red Flag:*
In less than a year and half he's gone from verbally abusing you, to killing your cat, to physically abusing you to the point of hospitalization. Two different times in your original post you specifically say that he's done something that took you nearly to the point of death. 

_Are you willing to keep risking your life and your son's with this kind of history?_ I know, I know.... he'd *never* hurt his son, but think about it: even the best kids are much louder and more demanding/annoying/needy than a cat. Even a sick cat. Do you seriously think that if you constantly "make" him "have" to hurt and yell at you, that eventually your son won't "make" him do that either? Or on the other side of the coin...do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is what men should be like?

Point 1:


> He's like this 10 % of the time. 90 % he's PERFECT.


 When is there time for him to be this perfect when he's jobless, homeless, high and cutting you down for not doing enough to take care of you all? Or when it's taken him four months to "take more of a place" in your son's life? Or when you guys can't seem to ever get on the same page when you talk and talk and talk?

Point 2:


> I know that's my dependancy and brain washing talking


 You're so right about this. If you look through your post, it's so clear that he's managed to convince you that not only is this all black and white, but that black IS white. In pretty much everything you write, you take responsibility for _everything_ and he's just a victim blowing around in the winds of life except when it comes to controlling you, anyway. For example:



> *He's only gotten worse lately because of his depression* from being disowned by his step father. I want to *find a way to help him* get through this.
> 
> James *became homeless* in July and I lived with him out of a tent during nights in an old tabacco barn and shared my parents home/food/electricity with him during the day.
> 
> ...


I know you feel like you'd be lost without him and that you feel like you love him more than anything and that you wish and hope that love in itself could fix all of this. But until he takes accountability for himself, nothing is going to get fixed and nothing is going to change. There's no reason for it to change, he's got everything he wants and needs right now and all he has to do is push the right button with you to keep it. Look at that last quote up there. He has you apologizing for the sake of apologizing when you don't have a clue what you might be sorry for! If things are going to work with you guys, he has to deal with being an abuser, work on his addiction and THEN you guys can work on couples counseling. Couples counseling at this point is pointless because he'll throw everything you say back at you when you get home until therapy is one more place you can't make yourself heard.

The biggest thing though that I'd encourage you to think HARD about is Julius. During your pregnancy you were so stressed you delivered prematurely. Now he's showing developmental delays. He's had a rough start. How hard do you want to make the rest of his life? What happens if your parents quit supporting you guys? Do you want your son living in tents and sleeping in random backyards since his dad won't work? Do you want to risk his safety? What kind of example do you want to set for him to learn about how men and women and marriages are? Is James the kind of man you want your son to grow up to be? Do you want Julius to treat his wife the way James has treated you? Kids learn from watching their parents...and abuse is a cycle, what do you want his legacy to be? You've got more than yourself to think about now and you've got to consider what the long term effects might be for him.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I really hope it's given you a little different perspective to think about....


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

PBear said:


> AM, that could be, but if you keep doing the same things over and over again and nothing's changing, what's the point? Albert Einstein has a quote about that... Unless the two of you do something to break through that cycle, when will it change?
> 
> C


That's a REALLY good point. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what exactly it is that I can do TO break the cycle.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

anxiousmiss said:


> That's a REALLY good point. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what exactly it is that I can do TO break the cycle.


AM, well, in my case I decided that my wife and I didn't have the tools in our individual toolkits to make things better after 18 years, so we needed to get some outside input. If she wouldn't have agreed to that, it would have been either get some counseling on my own and decide if I wanted to continue on, or start planning for a separation.

All I know is that SOMETHING has to change. Either the situation (being married) or the players (my wife and I). But I can't keep pretending that things are fine.

C


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> First off, I'll tell you now, I'm going to be pretty blunt...there are a lot of things here that seem pretty black and white to me and then a whole lot more that are big red flags. I totally get that a lot of dependency has been fostered in this relationship, so I'm going to try to boil some of this down to facts and bullet points.
> 
> *Big Red Flag:*
> In less than a year and half he's gone from verbally abusing you, to killing your cat, to physically abusing you to the point of hospitalization. Two different times in your original post you specifically say that he's done something that took you nearly to the point of death.
> ...


I appreciate your blunt honesty. And I don't mind reading long posts XD You make a lot of good points. It's hard to really separate myself from this and see it from an outsiders perspective. Also I want to point out, this is specifically a post about my problems with HIM so I failed to mention any of HIS problems with ME. My depression does bring him down and I can say mean things that are uncalled for. I'm *****y. Moody. I mean I'm bipolar, that should say enough XD The reason I am considering divorce is specifically for Julius. Because when I say I can't do this I can NOT. I'm so beyond myself with depression from other crazy things that Ive been through in my life, him adding to it just makes me MUCH worse. I have to worry about the mother Im going to be for Julius. About what kind of fathler he will be in the future. Im just still not sure how things will pay out and if its to the point where I need to leave him yet. He works hard when he works hard. He'll would 12 hour shifts with my dad when he gets side jobs with him but only because he likes doing those kinds of jobs. If he's got passion for it he'll work his a** off. If not he'll be lazy about getting to it but THEN work his a** off. He's not laid his hands on me in anyway since Jules was born he plays GREAT with him and takes GREAT care of him he just thinks that feeding Julius twice counts as taking care of him. Like I said though he's been there for our son a lot lately these past few days (today he was welding with a welding master). He's a VERY wise person and VERY smart. And he's a hard worker when he wants to be. Blah there's just so much.


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

PBear said:


> AM, well, in my case I decided that my wife and I didn't have the tools in our individual toolkits to make things better after 18 years, so we needed to get some outside input. If she wouldn't have agreed to that, it would have been either get some counseling on my own and decide if I wanted to continue on, or start planning for a separation.
> 
> All I know is that SOMETHING has to change. Either the situation (being married) or the players (my wife and I). But I can't keep pretending that things are fine.
> 
> C


That is EXACTLY where I am right now. You explain it perfectly.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

anxiousmiss said:


> I appreciate your blunt honesty. And I don't mind reading long posts XD You make a lot of good points. It's hard to really separate myself from this and see it from an outsiders perspective. Also I want to point out, this is specifically a post about my problems with HIM so I failed to mention any of HIS problems with ME. My depression does bring him down and I can say mean things that are uncalled for. I'm *****y. Moody. I mean I'm bipolar, that should say enough XD The reason I am considering divorce is specifically for Julius. Because when I say I can't do this I can NOT. I'm so beyond myself with depression from other crazy things that Ive been through in my life, him adding to it just makes me MUCH worse. I have to worry about the mother Im going to be for Julius. About what kind of fathler he will be in the future. Im just still not sure how things will pay out and if its to the point where I need to leave him yet. He works hard when he works hard. He'll would 12 hour shifts with my dad when he gets side jobs with him but only because he likes doing those kinds of jobs. If he's got passion for it he'll work his a** off. If not he'll be lazy about getting to it but THEN work his a** off. He's not laid his hands on me in anyway since Jules was born he plays GREAT with him and takes GREAT care of him he just thinks that feeding Julius twice counts as taking care of him. Like I said though he's been there for our son a lot lately these past few days (today he was welding with a welding master). He's a VERY wise person and VERY smart. And he's a hard worker when he wants to be. Blah there's just so much.


I totally get the effects that having bipolar can have on a relationship. I have bipolar too (note: HAVE it, I don't define myself by it), and let me tell you: not my depression, not my mania has EVER been an excuse for ANYONE in my life to hit, choke, "hold too hard", demean, or in any way hurt me. In a normal relationship, even with something like bipolar in the mix, it doesn't work that way.

Regardless of what you do about your marriage, it sounds like you have GOT to get yourself straight. Are you on meds now? Therapy? James or no James, I'd make both of those things a priority. There are community health centers with mental health services all over the US that provide low and no-cost services and any number of other community services to help with that if you need it. But it's really key to get yourself stable, otherwise things really do get too overwhelming and you've got a lot of responsibilities now.

And seriously? If you fed your son twice would you be a GREAT parent? You'd be in jail! He's the father, not working consistently and living in the same house...he gets held to the same caretaking standard you do (okay....he's off the hook for breastfeeding...). 

Another point I'd make, is that in this life, we just don't have the choice of being "hard workers when we want to be" or when we "have a passion" for something. Especially once a child is in the mix. We have rent, we have groceries and bills to pay. What's going to happen when your parents aren't willing to or just can't support you all anymore? I'm curious about one thing too--when he does work, what does the money get spent on? 

Look, you have the support of your parents. You're young. You have a beautiful baby who needs a healthy mom. You have the whole world ahead of you. Why are you working so hard for a relationship with someone that isn't working just as hard for you?


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

forget the parents, these people convinced you to rush into marrying a homeless, abusive, drug addict..who has almost killed you, so that your child wouldn't be a bastard? 

they're not going to understand you chosing to move on with your life. Do you have by chance a friend you could stay with instead?

I know the feeling of needing someone, and I know that confusion with the two sides of the person but sweetie, if you can't love you, how is it you think he can?

Im currently torn between going and staying, for similar reasons. In one respect you get that lovie dovey cutesy "I love you" "you're special" wonderful man that everyone else sees. In the other minute you get the guy insulting you, tearing you down, breaking any friendships you had, slaughtering your name and ability to stand up in the community, and destroying any chance you have of doing anything but staying with him. You were arrested and thrown in jail for stealing $2 worth of FOOD from walmart? was that because he became homelss, and you with him? He should feel guilty as sin that you cannot get a job now because of food you stole when he refused (as his still does) to get a job.

My husband chooses to do nothing about our debt situation, he refuses to stop smoking weed to fix the $40,000 he created, and let me tell you, when he WANTS to work, he works hard too. Must be nice huh? to get to work hard when you want to? and yet here I have busted my balls so to speak to keep us afloat at a job I hate for the past 5 years, and managed to get a degree. Here you are trying to get a job to take care of your family, and he has no understanding or sympathy when you don't get the job because of something he could have prevented.

Look, the guy smokes weed, you don't care. He's never going to stop getting stoned, or stop sitting around, and most certainly he's not going to stop treating you as he does. its a cycle. He's good for a few days (like you said he has been) he's mr. perfect, and that makes you remember all the things you "love" about him and question your own judgement on leaving. Then, he flys off the handle makes you feel like its your fault, pushes you to a breaking point, and repeat process.

His problems are not your fault. Just like the things my husband says about me to everyone who would care, and the horrific things he says to me are not my fault, even when he says they are. The other night I was headed into my living room to throw my coffee table at my husband. but you know what? I stopped myself. I didn't even make it fully into the room. I've never swung at, hit, choked or any of that to any one I've wanted to, because i stop it. it's a choice. Your husband, chooses not to. He didn't snap out of it and stop, he made up a "poor me" story about blacking out so that you'd feel bad for him, and feel like it was your fault for making him that angry.

I watched my mom go through that for years, YEARS. my whole childhood spent listening to the fights, watching her get thrown across rooms, punched, the whole nine, and none of it was "her" fault. These are grown ass men, your husband is a grown ass man, he's not a child, he's not fragile, and he is certainly not your responsibility to cater to. You and your child are.

Don't feel bad, do not pitty him, and above all, do not forget how important you are to yourself and your child. Do what you have to to take care of yourself, therapy, meds, move in with a friend who understands (unless your parents truely do, in which case, I have no idea why they still allow him on their property) and remember, the only person you NEED in this world, is yourself, because you are the only person you can depend on 100% no matter what.


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I totally get the effects that having bipolar can have on a relationship. I have bipolar too (note: HAVE it, I don't define myself by it), and let me tell you: not my depression, not my mania has EVER been an excuse for ANYONE in my life to hit, choke, "hold too hard", demean, or in any way hurt me. In a normal relationship, even with something like bipolar in the mix, it doesn't work that way.
> 
> Regardless of what you do about your marriage, it sounds like you have GOT to get yourself straight. Are you on meds now? Therapy? James or no James, I'd make both of those things a priority. There are community health centers with mental health services all over the US that provide low and no-cost services and any number of other community services to help with that if you need it. But it's really key to get yourself stable, otherwise things really do get too overwhelming and you've got a lot of responsibilities now.
> 
> ...


I don't know why I am... and the money usually gets spent in gas and food since my parents though plenty rich enough don't feed us and since we don't qualify for Food Stamps because we live with my parents. Note: We're slaves for my parents. No one in this house lifts a finger but us, guess that's our payment for rent?


----------



## anxiousmiss (Nov 19, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> forget the parents, these people convinced you to rush into marrying a homeless, abusive, drug addict..who has almost killed you, so that your child wouldn't be a bastard? *My mom knows how I can be crazy manic and she thinks I deserved it*
> 
> they're not going to understand you chosing to move on with your life. Do you have by chance a friend you could stay with instead? (*when James and I first truly because homeless because my friend crashed our car and I couldnt go home without it, all of my friends let me stay for a few days but kicked us back out on to the streets everytime. Even the guy who was the reason we were homeless*)
> 
> ...


I'm responding to you in bold and parenthesis.

I'm thinking of showing him this thread so maybe he can truly get an idea of what he's doing. It's looking grimmer and grimmer. He attempted to be better for one day and that was it. Like now I should be all lovey dovey and want to lay in bed wih him at night. Last night was probably the first time EVER that I didn't go straight to him after a huge fight like yesterday when all company was gone. He asked why, I lied and said I didn't realize how late it was (god I hate lying). I was scared to tell him the truth that I just don't want to be around him. Even though I don't know how to be without him. It's not a conversation I'm ready to have but I'm trying to push myself into having it so that this can all go ahead and get taken care of.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Think heavily on that. 

I think that showing him this thread will do little more than anger him.

I used to think that way too, and I partially still do, I also know the guilt you're feeling..like you're giving up on someone who needs you. Remember too, your friends kicked both of you on the street, not you. I would never house my friend and her "man" if he was like yours, (or like her current man either) I couldn't deal with watching her be treated that way, and I certainly could not ever enable it.

Truth is, your moms thoughts, are horrible. No one deserves treatment like that, and I almost saw that coming because of her actions towards the child. Come on now, we're women, we are all crazy, some more than others, but it does not mean you deserve to be treated less than human, it just means that you're unique, and there are plenty of people out there who can love and appreciate that.

My father was very similar to your husband. My mom left him when I was almost 2, because she could not stand the idea of me being raised like that. My fathers dad was the same way for many years, and he is a wonderful man...now. My nana had 3 nervous breakdowns and endured years of torment in front of her 5 kids because of it and that is no way for anyone to live. 

From a kids point of view, the last thing you want to see is your mom being treated anything less than wonderful. I resented my mom for years and years for her last relationship (13yrs) because she wasn't my mom that entire time, she was a shell, barely a person, fighting to make a family happen with a man who was selfish, self serving, and expected all of us and her to be below him. he ripped her apart every way from sideways, told me at 14 that to go out and party I needed to lie to my mom, and then told my mom that she has no idea what her kids are doing, and they could lie to her face and she'd believe them. 

The minute the burden of him was lifted the transformation was amazing, I love my mom, she's a wonderful person, and I actually get to have her as her now..she can be my mom, she can be my friend, and most importantly, she can be herself. Every person deserves that, and for our own sanity, we NEED that.

You may have fallen off track a bit, things may have gotten way out of control and make absolutely no sense and it seems endless, but there is always a way to stop that. You CAN make things better for you and your child. You can give him the childhood he deserves, and you most certainly can find a person who deserves you, once you are allowed to find you again. you just have to give yourself the chance.


----------

