# DDay - 42 Months On



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Four years next April. Time flies; a cliche but true. In the past I have said that I am in a better place, I have more distance from the shock of it, I'm fitter, emotionally stronger etc. I have told you how I moved into another room in our house, how we co-parent but lead separate lives. I have talked about being encumbered by debt of being effectively trapped by it and the mixed health issues I have; and my age. Excuses yes, but the desire to break out on my own is not strong enough. I made a promise to my children and I also fear how I would cope. 

I'm writing this to tell you that the pain of the deception and betrayal does not leave. Particularly when you have to look it in the face every day. I can handle it much better - but every day, multiple times, a physical or psychological trigger occurs. Yes, I can shrug it off pretty well but it is still there. The desire for vengeance remains.

You may recall that I talked about reconciliation. This was attempted a number of times but came to nought. I laid out my 'terms', specifically my need for physical intimacy. It was agreed to but not met. I asked her to curtail her drinking, to get help. She cut back which was not easy for her - and I applauded her for that.

Some time later we attended a close relative's wedding. As on numerous occasions in the past my exWS became inebriated early on. She drank quite heavily while we waited for the wedding photos to be taken - this took two hours. At the reception she became emotional when the Bride and Groom waltzed and once the tears started she could not stop. She went outside for fresh air.

After a short time I went to comfort her but she could not stop weeping. She insisted she was alright and wanted to be left alone. I was very concerned because we were in a foreign, small coastal town, environment and had to walk back in the dark to our accommodation. I came out to check on her 3 more times and she returned to the reception. However she started to cry again and again went outside.

The next time I went to check on her she became annoyed with me and it became quite tense. I was aware of people walking past the resort and a large group of people in a restaurant bar next door. I became concerned that something may happen considering the state she was in. She insisted I leave. I noticed that some passerby's and people in the bar could hear us. I returned to the reception.

Twenty minutes later I again went to see her but she had disappeared. Across the road was a large unlit park and then the ocean. I had no idea where she was and went back inside and asked two cousins to help me find her. They checked the building while I went across the road, calling out to her in the dark. I was pretty anxious by now - frankly I wondered if she had gone for a walk and had been harmed or had returned to our accommodation.

I met up with my cousins inside. We had nothing. We changed direction and kept looking in the building and in the reception precinct. After approx 30 minutes of this nightmare i went back to the reception to find her sitting with the remaining people at our table. meanwhile my two cousins were still searching so I had to find them. One of them was very upset at the thought of what may have happened to me exWS. When we were finally all together the dancing was under way and I could not prevent myself from raising my voice - "F**king alcohol" I yelled. Fortunately mostly smothered by the music.

My exWS then abruptly excused herself and attempted to leave. We ended up in the driveway of the reception centre in an all too familiar stand off - me trying to speak rationally to an angry person riding her inebriation. Eventually 2 security guards asked us to move on. After I quickly apologised to the Bride and Groom and other family members with a "she's not feeling well" we fought all the way back to our accommodation. Most of it along an unlit path beneath ancient fig trees. I was scared, particularly when she refused to move; and all the while I could hear drunken teenagers in the near distance.

On the way home the next morning I pulled the car over and she spewed up every scrap of her insides while passing traffic blasted their horns in recognition. The morning coffee and a bacon and egg roll just too much for her.

My exWS has ruined things for me a number of times over the years. As I drove I counted the times when her drinking has lead to some awful outcome. I swore to myself that would be the last time. The following week my counselor said I should have walked and left her to her own misery. But i couldn't do it - the thought of something happening to her, to my children's mother was too big. Ironically the protection I felt compelled to give her was the very thing she didn't want.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You hold the key to your prison cell in your pocket.

Yet it goes unused. 

Honest question: are you more angry at her, or yourself? I would bet the latter.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

..and?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Kinda sounds like you're in love with your pain. For whatever reasons are buried in you, you continue to live this way. 

You do know that this is your one and only life...one shot deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> Kinda sounds like you're in love with your pain. For whatever reasons are buried in you, you continue to live this way.
> 
> You do know that this is your one and only life...one shot deal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. He still loves his wife. 

His pain comes as a consequence of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> No. He still loves his wife.
> 
> His pain comes as a consequence of this.


He loves his fantasy of his wife, not the reality. Pain comes because fantasy and reality don't match up. But he seems to like the pain otherwise he would not subject himself to it.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Why are you still there?
Honestly she isn't going to change unless she wants to and maybe you leaving might change her thinking.

I understand you love her but love only gets you so far.






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rzmpf said:


> He loves his fantasy of his wife, not the reality. Pain comes because fantasy and reality don't match up. But he seems to like the pain otherwise he would not subject himself to it.


Sometimes we ignore the pain in as far as we are able.

It's not about enjoying it. It's about putting up with it.

If you have a bad leg that makes you limp, you do not enjoy the pain it brings you. But you do have to try to get through it in order for you to continue moving.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Sometimes we ignore the pain in as far as we are able.
> 
> It's not about enjoying it. It's about putting up with it.
> 
> If you have a bad leg that makes you limp, you do not enjoy the pain it brings you. But you do have to try to get through it in order for you to continue moving.


You can take medication, have surgery, amputation, (endo)prothesis, wheelchair, physical therapy etc. Your choice. OP chooses to be in this relationship and it makes him miserable and he does not want real change. Just as someone with a bad leg does not want surgery because of the risks and no painkillers because of side effects and no wheelchair because of the problems he would face and whatever else someone can come up with. So he prefers the status quo to any other alternative hence he enjoys this situation the most because he fears the unknown.

He should have left the wedding when his wife took the first sip of an alcoholic beverage because he knew it would go downhill from there. But he didn't. It's just a big pile of codependency and enabling behaviour from both of them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rzmpf said:


> You can take medication, have surgery, amputation, (endo)prothesis, wheelchair, physical therapy etc. Your choice. OP chooses to be in this relationship and it makes him miserable and he does not want real change. Just as someone with a bad leg does not want surgery because of the risks and no painkillers because of side effects and no wheelchair because of the problems he would face and whatever else someone can come up with. So he prefers the status quo to any other alternative hence he enjoys this situation the most because he fears the unknown.
> 
> He should have left the wedding when his wife took the first sip of an alcoholic beverage because he knew it would go downhill from there. But he didn't. It's just a big pile of codependency and enabling behaviour from both of them.


Why didn't he abandon his wife under those circumstances?

Well, you see, if you can't understand that, there really is no way for anyone to explain it to you.

And there are many qualified medical experts who consider "codependency" to be at best over-stated or at worse a load of old malarkey.

It's my view that she should be in a proper dependency clinic because she needs professional help.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Limbo Hell.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Why didn't he abandon his wife under those circumstances?
> 
> Well, you see, if you can't understand that, there really is no way for anyone to explain it to you.
> 
> ...


- I agree that he should not have abandoned her, that was my fault to word it that way. THEY should have left. Together. But that would have needed insight on her part and him being strong enough to enforce boundaries which both don't have at the moment. Not going at all would be an option, her letting him go alone would have been another option. But they both are not able to implent any of them.

- Treatment would be one major step to changing their relationship. But he does not press her on it and she does not go by herself. So status quo remains.

- Well there are qualified experts who have other opinions, have other definitions or other names for the same concept (habit-/addiction-forming/-enabling behaviour etc). Most of the dispute is about it being a "disease" or "disorder" that needs treatment or if it is just the definition of a certain facet of human behaviour that has no intrinsic pathological value. I'm unaware of anyone denying the mere existance of this kind of behaviour.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hoz, 

Question, if you knew you wife will never stop drinking, that you will never have the intimacy you wanted, and that you will have trust issues with her, would you stay, because clearly its been 42 months and your still with her....all i am saying is that one sided love is not always enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was predictable she would get drunk at the wedding. She's an active alcoholic. Why even put yourself in those situations? 

It really sounds like nothing of substance has changed from your first thread -- when you first wanted to leave but were afraid you couldn't support yourself -- and I'm very sorry to hear it. Your children have absorbed all this, unfortunately. If they aren't in counseling, they really should be. As should you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Four years next April. Time flies; a cliche but true. In the past I have said that I am in a better place, I have more distance from the shock of it, I'm fitter, emotionally stronger etc. I have told you how I moved into another room in our house, how we co-parent but lead separate lives. I have talked about being encumbered by debt of being effectively trapped by it and the mixed health issues I have; and my age. Excuses yes


That's all they are. Excuses. From a weak weak man. After 42 months you are probably immune from the pain of 2 x 4s.

So I won't bother. Perhaps you are getting emotionally stronger but obviously you have a LONG way to go....

Maybe others can use your story as a textbook case of WHY you don't reconcile with a remorseless cheater. 

If you won't learn from your mistakes perhaps some other poor soul will. As stated already, your prison is solely of your own making.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

time to listen to your counselor.

time to file and move on.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

I would have suggested going for a swim.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If it is available in your locale, go to an Al Anon support group for spouses of alcoholics. You will be able to vent your frustrations to like-minded people going through the same travails as you and you will learn valuable coping skills as to how to live with and around an alcoholic without getting sucked up into their misery.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

codependency is a hell of a drug.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And there are many qualified medical experts who consider "codependency" to be at best over-stated or at worse a load of old malarkey.


Those experts are wrong. He must be getting something out of staying with her. People treat you only the way you allow them. At this point there is no hiding who his wife is and how she will treat him, so he is responsible for his own pain. If you get burned because you are unaware something is hot that is one thing and you deserve sympathy, but don't continually put your hand on it afterwards and act shocked and upset when you keep getting burned. Go get some help for why you keep burning yourself. 

The solution is fixing OP, not his wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Those experts are wrong. He must be getting something out of staying with her. People treat you only the way you allow them.


He still loves her.

Yes, sometimes love does hurt.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He still loves her.


My answer to that is so what. Lots of people love things that are not good for them. His wife loves alcohol. We don't excuse it because there is love there. He love something that absolutely is damaging his soul, I can't have sympathy for that kind of thinking, it is defective.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP are you a child of an alcoholic or substance user?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have seen this happen. 

The spouse of an adict loves and hates them at the same time.

It is very complicated and cannot be fixed with a quick divorce and finding someone new. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I have seen this happen.
> 
> The spouse of an adict loves and hates them at the same time.
> 
> ...


True but the abuse will stop. Yes OP need therapy though definitely.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Sometimes we ignore the pain in as far as we are able.
> 
> It's not about enjoying it. It's about putting up with it.
> 
> If you have a bad leg that makes you limp, you do not enjoy the pain it brings you. But you do have to try to get through it in order for you to continue moving.


I hit the like button twice because I doubly liked the analogy.

But the programmer made the Like Icon a "latching" switch. Once hit it latches "on".

so:

I LIKE THIS ANALOGY.

Gotta get primitive sometimes.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

sokillme said:


> True but the abuse will stop. Yes OP need therapy though definitely.




Abuse stops after divorce?

Someone forgot to tell my XW. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

OP, 

I don't know your history but my first take is she is actively cheating on you. 

She can't be with you and she can't be with someone else (while at the wedding). 

So she drinks to be nowhere. 

I get being in love with someone like this. 

Let it play out if you must. 

Vent here if you must. 

Be honest with people here. Advice about leaving her will not be considered. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

caruso said:


> I would have suggested going for a swim.


OP has already drowned ~~/\/\/\-|-}-:~~ before the water [would] let him in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You talk about your age, Horizon, but it sounds like you haven't yet reached the age where the balance tips.

This is the age where you suddenly - frighteningly - realize that you have much less time ahead of you than behind you. This is the age where you think you might have one more chance to salvage a life of peace and sanity.

If you are still enabling your alcoholic wife, H., then you haven't reached that fateful age. When it happens, you will clearly see a fork in the road: either you make the final decision to throw your life away, or you decide to give yourself a few decades of true control over your life.

You can choose the latter path right now, but I don't think you are ready to do that. You are not yet at the age where your mortality is truly evident.

You still have time to take the poet Oliver's lines to heart: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

You can still do something good and redemptive and sane with your life. You are not chained down. Not really, H.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ceegee said:


> Be honest with people here. Advice about leaving her will not be considered.


And we should be honest with OP, if leaving is not considered then nothing will change an you will me miserable the rest of your life. There will be no happily ever after there will just be more fights in the parking lot, broken promises and dysfunction.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> No. He still loves his wife.
> 
> His pain comes as a consequence of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe...But, emotional pain can cause the release of endorphin's as well as physical pain...thus getting some form of pleasure from the experience. 

From the description of the circumstances...i can't really think of many other compelling reasons for him to stay.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do they have Al Anon in Australia?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Horizon said:


> After a short time I went to comfort her but she could not stop weeping. She insisted she was alright and wanted to be left alone. I was very concerned because we were in a foreign, small coastal town, environment and had to walk back in the dark to our accommodation. I came out to check on her 3 more times and she returned to the reception. However she started to cry again and again went outside.


You are the hot button/pain point. You should not have attended her personally, but convinced someone else to see to her.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> No. He still loves his wife.
> 
> His pain comes as a consequence of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He loves the idea of her, and the hopes and dreams that came with it.

As long as he grips those hopes and dreams, he will not be freed of the assocation, he will always have a crack in the door. It is only once he moves on that his life can mend itself.
(and the words are , oh so much easier to type, than to live...  )


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Do they have Al Anon in Australia?


Yes, @bandit.45, they do. Thanks for raising this subject. 

They are at Al-Anon Family Groups Australia | Remember: You are not alone and there is always hope.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Hello all, having issues using TAM via pc. Keeps 'bouncing' with a bar saying that 'a web is trying to open what do you want to do'. But can't access it bc it keeps rolling up and down. Any advice how to fix this? Thanks for your feedback - Horizon


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

OK - using another browser. Yes, typing much easier than action. Attending Al-Anon tomorrow night. Thanks.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Well the Al-Anon meeting was interesting. There were about a dozen people there that night. I listened to some very familiar stories though the chief difference is that most of these people, male or female, relatives or not, are living with fully blown drunks and their associated behaviour. I explained how my situation was different in that the blow outs are fairly rare but the consistency of consumption was highly disturbing. There was no advice as such but certainly a group vibe. Any out and out relationship bashing was not welcomed - the obvious idea being that it was about us and what we can do rather than hammering the drinker.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AlAnon is about giving you the skills to cope with her drinking. What you are experiencing is a lack of codependent thought. Keep attending. You will learn more as you go along. AlAnon is not as structured as some programs, because all attendees are coming in at different stages. Make friends and talk to people. You will catch on after a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Keep going... Al-anon. It will help. Been going since Dec 2015. But haven't been in months. But plan to go this month.

They won't give you direct advice... But how they handle or not handle situations.

Good luck


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> Limbo Hell.


Yup. That about sums it up. Limbo is hell and its a hell of his own choosing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP this is the best life you will have with this woman so you should try to look on the bright side and make the best of it, if you are going to stay.


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