# Sex does nothing for my wife



## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

I am just beside myself, I have no idea what to think. I kinda feel cheated. 

So this story starts out 8 years ago. Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy marry girl. They live happy ever after. 

Not 

I met Niki after I came home from being gone 2 years. I was just finishing up my divorce and had not been with anyone in over 2 years. N had 2 kids, one 5 years old and the other a new born. I fell head over hills for all of them. The new born did not have a father, he did not know she even existed. N left him after he told her to have an abortion. I have been that little girls only father. 

We had many talks while dating. We had sex a few times but we always had her kids with us and I never minded. After all I had been 2 years since I was sexually active and it never bothered me. N always told me that she wanted sex and when we got married, we would have all the time in the world to have sex. 

So I worked my full time job plus a side business and N worked evenings. We did not see one and other much and sex was generally 3 or 4 times a month rather I needed or not. I never took time away from my family, I always worked the business while N was at work and the kids was with me. On the weekends, I worked a few hours in the morning before N got out of bed. We had a child of our own and he almost 3 now. 

The pandemic hit, the business was tied into my job and I lost my job. So I was off work for 3 months and was drawing good money plus doing side jobs. 

I learned a lot those 3 months, even with me home all the time, N still was not interested in sex and still just a few times a month. 

I got a new job and I am making great money now and N is working day shift and weekends off. So we see one and other a lot more but yet sex is the last thing or I should say I am the last thing on her mind. 

A few months ago, we got into a spat about the lack of attention that I show her. I wasn't aware that I wasn't aware that I wasn't showing her the attention she needs because she rarely has anything to do with me. So I have been changing and making sure she has my full attention all the time. 
One of the items brought up is that I do not post on her timeline on Facebook like I used to.
So I failed, I know it. I just got caught up in work and I slipped. 

3 weeks ago, we get into another spat, this one is hard core. A lot of hurtful things said on both sides but I was really upset with this fight. But I try even harder to be what she wants me to be. She also informs be that she wants go away by herself for 3 days and leave me with the kids to go all the way to the other side of the United States. 

Last week, I try talking to her about our lack of sex life and she tells me to get over it, the weekend will be here in 2 days. 

Weekend comes and goes, we have sex once and it was pretty bland and I just about stopped in the middle of it and said the heck with it. 

She tells me the other day that she has no interest in sex and it does nothing for her. 

Last night she offered sex for a massage, and after 45 minutes of a back rub, she started acting pissy with me, no passion at all and I just said forget it. 

I just do not get it, I bend over backwards for this woman and I love her with all my heart but what the hell is up with her. 



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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's not a good partner. She sounds really awful.

She's not interested in sex with you.

She's dangerous to you--threatening to take the kids away from you across the country.

And just gotta say, YOU are saying you f'ed up and failed because you didn't "post on her timeline" on Facebook??? What the actual ****. How brainwashed are you?

Why you want to continue in this marriage is beyond me. Like in a galaxy far, far away beyond me.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Livvie said:


> She's not a good partner. She sounds really awful.
> 
> She's not interested in sex with you.
> 
> ...


No, she is leaving the kids with me, so she can take a trip. 

Yes this sucks, I feel like I have been friend zoned by my wife. 

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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> No, she is leaving the kids with me, so she can take a trip.
> 
> Yes this sucks, I feel like I have been friend zoned by my wife.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


What is this trip about?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> What is this trip about?


She wants to see the beach where they filmed the movie The Goonies and see the Whales. 
Just to get away by herself without any kids

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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It sounds like she may have been looking for someone to help raise her kids as opposed to an intimate partner.

No woman can think straight with a newborn and they certainly don't feel sexual. That's a terrible time to find another partner.

You can try counseling but I suspect she’s just not that into you and probably never was. You may have to cut your losses here, but see if she'll try MC.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> It sounds like she may have been looking for someone to help raise her kids as opposed to an intimate partner.
> 
> No woman can think straight with a newborn and they certainly don't feel sexual. That's a terrible time to find another partner.
> 
> You can try counseling but I suspect she’s just not that into you and probably never was. You may have to cut your losses here, but see if she'll try MC.


Yeah I have been thinking about that but I also wonder if she may have been sexually abused as a child or she just duped me

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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> She wants to see the beach where they filmed the movie The Goonies and see the Whales.
> Just to get away by herself without any kids
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


In my opinion this would never happen in a functional marriage. Kids or not, my wife would never want to do this without me. If anything she would want me to get the grandparents to watch the kids while WE went to the beach. 

Are you sure she doesn't like sex, or just doesn't like sex with you? She really sounds like she is setting up an affair opportunity. I mean she has 2 kids from 2 different men. She must have, or had, some interest in sex.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In my opinion this would never happen in a functional marriage. Kids or not, my wife would never want to do this without me. If anything she would want me to get the grandparents to watch the kids while WE went to the beach.
> 
> Are you sure she doesn't like sex, or just doesn't like sex with you? She really sounds like she is setting up an affair opportunity. I mean she has 2 kids from 2 different men. She must have, or had, some interest in sex.


The thought has crossed my mind and I have been diligently looking through the phones and Facebook. 

I just have never pictured as the type to have an affair but then again I have been wrong before. 



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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In my opinion this would never happen in a functional marriage. Kids or not, my wife would never want to do this without me. If anything she would want me to get the grandparents to watch the kids while WE went to the beach.
> 
> Are you sure she doesn't like sex, or just doesn't like sex with you? She really sounds like she is setting up an affair opportunity. I mean she has 2 kids from 2 different men. She must have, or had, some interest in sex.


I agree. 

When I was married I didn't want to go on vacation without my now ex until I was done with him...then I wanted to leave by myself.

Now I have a bf I'm crazy about and my first thought would be to see if he could go if I had anything of interest out of town.

That's what people do when they're into their partner.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

At least your story can serve as a warning for other guys. The newborn was a massive red flag. Chances are you didn't get the truth about the father, hell she might not even know who the father is. Then you come along. She gives minimal effort from the start and you settle for it. The third kid was to lock you in financially. Now that's done she can do whatever she wants.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

can I ask you are you if your letting her know you find her sexy all times of the day when your at work do you phone her to say hello just thinking of her it looks like she was looking for a man and not a husband , in other words she wanted a father not a lover , she was running away from a man that did not want the same things as she did you were in the right place she swapped sex for a home life now comfort has set in and the absence of attraction is there , 
romance is from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed , you also need to tell her in the right was that you need to make love for both of you , 

IT IS SAD and I wish I had the response that would make things better , if she was rapped or abused as a young girl or even if she was just in a home that brain washed her into thinking sex was wrong and dirty , it will take a lot to get her past that , worth working on it is the only thing wrong in your relationship , 
as I said above if your doing most thing right ( no one is perfect ) but you did not seem to say if this is the only thing wrong from having the perfect life


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> She's not a good partner. She sounds really awful.
> 
> She's not interested in sex with you.
> 
> ...


Maybe for the three little childrens sakes? 

She said she wanted to leave the kids with him not take them herself for 3 days.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Humor me for a moment here. Let me guess, if you dare to mention anything about your lack of sex life or anything else that she is doing wrong or something upsetting you, that's when she brings up the lack of attention you give her or the fact that you don't post on her FB timeline anymore. Then, since you actually care about your marriage, you set your own feelings aside to try and make her happy, but she doesn't really ever get around to fixing the problems you were having. Like you have your own frustrations but the moment that comes out, she just turns it around on you and into something YOU need to do for her. Am I right? If that's what's going on, it is purposefully done. It's a manipulation tactic.

I seriously doubt she will be alone on that trip. Does she know anyone from there? Maybe a social media friend? The beach trip seems to me like her chance to meet another guy and see how that works out while you sit home and watch her kids for her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Your wife is not asexual, she just doesn’t want you. 
Your wife is not attracted to you and she doesn’t respect you and she’s not in love with you. It certainly sounds like you were just a meek sucker from the beginning. She needed a stable man she could manipulate, to take care of her children and save her from her ****ty life choices. It seems like you were used. She probably never really desired you, but now she doesn’t even have to pretend anymore because you have allowed her to have all the power in the relationship.

You need to take control of yourself and your marriage.

Why would you allow this solo trip? Tell her no. 
You do realize there is a real possibility that this tripwill be spent with another man. I wouldn’t allow this trip at all, and certainly not with the state of your marriage. 
Tell her you’re not ok with this trip and if she chooses to go ahead with it you will have to reevaluate your marriage. Then have her served upon her return. You need to get strong, fast - before this situation completely implodes on you.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> can I ask you are you if your letting her know you find her sexy all times of the day when your at work do you phone her to say hello just thinking of her it looks like she was looking for a man and not a husband , in other words she wanted a father not a lover , she was running away from a man that did not want the same things as she did you were in the right place she swapped sex for a home life now comfort has set in and the absence of attraction is there ,
> romance is from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed , you also need to tell her in the right was that you need to make love for both of you ,
> 
> IT IS SAD and I wish I had the response that would make things better , if she was rapped or abused as a young girl or even if she was just in a home that brain washed her into thinking sex was wrong and dirty , it will take a lot to get her past that , worth working on it is the only thing wrong in your relationship ,
> as I said above if your doing most thing right ( no one is perfect ) but you did not seem to say if this is the only thing wrong from having the perfect life


I no longer know what a perfect life is. 
Things got pretty heated last night. I spend most days starved for her attention and can only have her attention when she is ready to give it to me. 

She has been going to the gym to work out, all I hear is that I am mad because she is doing this. But I am not mad and have told her over and over. She now has a knee injury that could have been avoided if she would have listened to me. I told her that she needed to rest, work out 2 days and take a day off but she kept at it for almost a month strait. Now the knee injury is my fault because I texted her before I went to bed and told her how much I miss her. 
I am now smothering her. 

I am doing all the things she said i wasn't doing to show that I love her but now she doesn't want it and says it is to much. 

I heard everything last night from I am smothering her, I am mentally abusive, I am ugly and disgusting to all I want her for is sex. She has threatened to leave with our kids when she gets up and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.

She is very adamant that she is not interested in sex and the only reason she had sex with me or any of her other previouse partners was because she thought she had too. She only has sex with me to get it over and done with so she can go to sleep. 
I knew in the back of my mind that this was going to happen. 

I barely got any sleep last night and I do not know if I will even see my kids when I get off work. 

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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

@boonez40 Hey there, sorry you are here. I read your post and thought about it a little bit.

I think it is important to rule out a possible affair and I had a couple of thoughts on how you could do that:

After she packs her suitcase for the trip, write a note and using that as a guise for going into her bag (preferably while she is asleep or in the shower) look through it for things that seem odd. Like if she is going on a solo trip to look at whales, she is not going to need fancy panties, etc.
If you know what her itinerary is you can have a PI catch her arrival and journey to the hotel/whatever. I do not know your finances, but rather than having to pay someone to watch her for the trip, if there is another person they will most likely be at the airport or destination and will, most likely, show their colors immediately upon meeting. Or if she was actually traveling with another person, that would be obvious.

The people here see a lot of red flags in your story, and if there is any hope of repair, it can only come after the truth is fully revealed.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Every post you made in this thread from opening to the last one before I started to reply screams "I married you because you were a dependable guy who would stick around, tolerate my ********, and raise my kids with me."


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

boonez40 said:


> I just do not get it, I bend over backwards for this woman and I love her with all my heart but what the hell is up with her.


I'm sorry you are finding yourself here. You were duped. Bait, and switch. Classic. "What the hell" is a perfect characterization - your wife's actions are from the very pit of it....

I'd bet on an affair, too.....I don't think she will be alone on her trip.....



boonez40 said:


> I feel like I have been friend zoned by my wife.


No, not even "friend".......you have been placed into indentured servitude. Except, that the "loan" will never be repaid, your wife is ENTITLED to have a slave. You will simply remain your wife's grunt. This will not change. Ever. BTDT.



MJJEAN said:


> "I married you because you were a dependable guy who would stick around, tolerate my ******, and raise my kids with me."


This is the exact, precise, undeniable truth. Somebody else will, if not already, become her "fun guy" while you bust your a$$ with kids, work, responsibility, and "bend over backwards".



boonez40 said:


> the only reason she had sex with me or any of her other previouse partners was because she thought she had too.


She "had to" ?? Why ?? So she could keep the slave. You are not slave #1. You are not "Mr. Right", you are "Mr. Right Now"....
For you, your wife is "the one"...... for your wife, you are "one more".....

Go see a lawyer. Do not allow today's sunset to come without having contacted an attorney. Find out exactly where you stand. You don't have to take any action, just get the advice.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Livvie said:


> She's not a good partner. She sounds really awful.
> 
> She's not interested in sex with you.
> 
> ...


I agree that no sex is a major issue,

Just to play devil's advocate on that one point, it did bother me that 2 years into my relationship with my XBF he stopped taking pictures of the two of except for on birthdays and things. He used to do it all the time. It made me feel like he didn't care anymore. So it is a legitimate MINOR thing that could bother someone. But isn't really in the realm of your partner telling you "sex doesn't do anything for me." That is gutting. Have you tried counseling together before? Merging 2 families is really tough.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I take it back. After reading your other responses, OP, she sounds like she is unwilling to bend. You two seem as though you might benefit from marriage counseling to help you both see that she needs to bend a little. If there is stuff she wishes you were doing she needs to communicate that rather than go on passive aggressive trips without you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think the day for marriage counseling is gone i think you can not repair this ,


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Livvie said:


> She's not a good partner. She sounds really awful.
> 
> She's not interested in sex with you.
> 
> ...


Spot on. Run, and run fast.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You need a very good lawyer and tell them everything.

Start carrying a voice activated recorder (VAR). That way you can defend yourself if need be.

She sounds like she is going to meet someone on her trip. Almost all WWs say exactly what your wife just told you.

Get a lawyer and explain what she has threatened about taking your kid away from you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

unilaterally dismiss my views


boonez40 said:


> I heard everything last night from I am smothering her, I am mentally abusive, I am ugly and disgusting to all I want her for is sex. She has threatened to leave with our kids when she gets up and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.


Her leaving with the kids seems to be the only positive thing she said to you and sounds like an excellent option to me. She didn't dupe you my man. You duped yourself. From what I read, and I may have misconstrued it, you hadn't had any ***** in a couple of years and fell in love with the first chick that put a little on you. The signs were there when you where dating hence, "We had sex a few times but we always had her kids with us and I never minded." You did mind; that's why you had many talks and she simply told you what you wanted to hear. Did you ever think maybe the reason she had the kids around is to avoid have sex? You thought you were her fiancé while she was thinking you were her financier. 

I've got buddy who looked like a movie star, and stands 6-4. He married a fox and had two boys when she cut him off. After a few years, he had enough of never having enough he found another chick and divorced her. First time I seen him smile in years. At any rate, I ran into her a couple of years after that and she said the reason she married him was to sire big, good looking kids and he gave her two and they were stars in the little league because they were bigger than the other kids, all the while her new boyfriend stood there with a **** eating grin on his face.

You've got two choices Dawg. Ditch this marriage and find someone youre more compatible with (more into sex) or live on a sexual starvation diet with the one you have. Either choice has its risk and consequences. But you and every MC in your town ain't going to turn her into a chick that wets her pants just waiting for you to get home.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

boonez40 said:


> She tells me the other day that she has no interest in sex and it does nothing for her.


Full Stop Here.
This has two possibilities:
1) She has no interest in sex
2) She has no interest in sex with you

You:
1) Listen to what she's saying. Regardless she doesn't want sex with you.

2) Contact lawyer - if she's cheating you need to know your rights
If she's not cheating, then she's breaking vows (sex is part of marriage). If she's done with sex with you, this is no way to live.
Regardless, you need to know your rights.

3) Going from no sex to offering sex - color me very cynical, but it sounds like she's trying to cover something up. I would think about getting STI/STD test

Again, my cynical outlook maybe driving this, you need to 180 and start planning to leave this relationship. It has run its time. 

I would also sit her down and have a discussion - not a blaming session from either side - to figure out what's going on, what the expectation are, and where you expect to be. I don't think too much will come from this as she has clearly stated she doesn't want sex with you.At least you can talk and decide where to go with the marriage.

Now this part:
Her taking the trip
I assume she is going on her weekend trip with her "new" friend that she has been interested in.
This would be a deal breaker for me - we're having issues an you up and decide to take a _*solo trip*_ to "get away".
Yeah No. That isn't happening.
I would start checking to see who she is in contact with. I think you'll be surprised.


Listen - there is nothing wrong with establishing boundaries.
There is nothing wrong with punishing bad behaviors.
You wife has a lot of bad behaviors that need to be addressed.
A punishment is/can be divorce and that's okay.
That doesn't make you a failure.

I'll add one final thought:
We allow other to treat us the way that they do.

You need to decide if you're done allowing her to treat you the way she has been treating you and are you willing to do something to change that.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> N had 2 kids, one 5 years old and the other a new born.


Can't think of a bigger red flag. RUN RUN RUN.

After you run far away from this dumpster fire, stop and ask yourself, "What in the sam hell made me fall for and stay with such a woman?" Lots of inner-work to do, my man. Lots.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Accept she doesn't want you and move on. I don't see how you can even consider staying with her after what she says to you and how she treats you. Why would you want to be with such a person?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> Yes this sucks, I feel like I have been friend zoned by my wife.


You didn’t get friendzoned, you got daddyzoned and providerzoned.

She needed a provider to pay for things and an assistant child care provider. 

You served a purpose and have utility for her. She used your desperation for sex and affection to snag you but she doesn’t have actual genuine desire for you. 

You are the classic beta provider that got chumped into thinking you were getting with a chick that was into you when in reality she was looking for someone to help take care of the kids and to pay for things. 

The real danger here is she may be hooking up with guys that actually turn her on but know better than to actually marry her. 

This whale watching trip may involve more than watching whales while you change diapers and clean up spilled milk.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*I heard everything last night from I am smothering her, I am mentally abusive, I am ugly and disgusting to all I want her for is sex. She has threatened to leave with our kids when she gets up and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.*

That says it all, you need to protect yourself, she has no love for you or has completely lost it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Please keep a VAR on you at ALL TIMES when talking with her -- you do not want to have domestic violence charges brought up against you. Just make sure you can legally record the conversations in your state. Some have two-party requirements, some have ONE party (so as long as YOU know it is recorded, it is fine).


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> *and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.*
> 
> That says it all, you need to protect yourself, she has no love for you or has completely lost it.


Yep, when they are willing to stab you in the back like that, its time to make other arrangements. There's an excellent chance she's going to make good on that threat.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why even try to sleep with the enemy?? 🤔


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> *I heard everything last night from I am smothering her, I am mentally abusive, I am ugly and disgusting to all I want her for is sex. She has threatened to leave with our kids when she gets up and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.*
> 
> That says it all, you need to protect yourself, she has no love for you or has completely lost it.


No bull feces. 

Man, run!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Why even try to sleep with the enemy?? 🤔


Because he doesn't get it. He's too afraid and doesn't have the balls to actually do anything other than ***** about it. he's being nothing but a punching bag of disrespect but he keeps coming for more. Forrest gump comes to mind as I picture the OP.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

If there is nobody waiting for her at that beach or going with her, I'll eat my hat!


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

boonez40 said:


> we always had her kids with us and I never minded ........ never bothered me.


This is the giveaway. Nice Guy - Beta Provider from early on. 

Check out Rich Cooper's videos on youtube for a wake-up. Buy his book while your at it. Read the rational Male by Rollo T. Your brain needs rewiring.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tested_by_stress said:


> If there is nobody waiting for her at that beach or going with her, I'll eat my hat!


I'll help. Tabasco?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> *I heard everything last night from I am smothering her, I am mentally abusive, I am ugly and disgusting to all I want her for is sex. She has threatened to leave with our kids when she gets up and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.*
> 
> That says it all, you need to protect yourself, she has no love for you or has completely lost it.


I agree, I think she has completely lost her mind. 
She comes up with stuff in her head and I am like WTF are you talking about. 

She made comments that my truck is only in my name and everything else is in both our names. 
Why is the truck only in your name ? 
Because you did not have the credit to be listed on the loan !!!
She was with me when we bought the truck but 3 years later, now we are asking questions. 
Then there is a savings account she knew nothing about and she is the one that helped me set it up. 
It has a whole 240.00 in it and its linked to the truck loan. We used to put an extra 100.00 in it each month when we made a truck payment. We used the savings to make a truck payment if the business had a bad month. 
Like WTF am I going to do with 240.00, run off to Vegas. Its irrelevant. 

She swears up and down that I never tell her things, like in Feb I told her, you need plugs and plug wires for your car and an oil change. I told her what it would cost. 
I did the oil change and set up a garage to do plug and plug wires. All she had to do was call them to make the appointment. She never did it and a week ago she started riding my butt. 
I said look, I asked you months ago to take care of your car and you did not do it. Of course, I never told her months ago, this was the first time she is hearing about it. An argument now breaks out and I cut her off, its irrelevant so I will come home from work tomorrow and do it myself. 
I came home from work, Tore half the side of the passenger side engine off and spent 2 hours on that side. The other side took approx 30 minutes. Took it fir a test drive and fuel milage was back up to 19 mpg. She runs off to the gym as soon as I get back, I grab a quick bite to eat, get myself and my son in the shower, wash dishes and go to bed. 
Then she blows up my phone, made that her ac is not working. I need to do something about it. 
Smh, wtf 
So we tie into it when she gets home from the gym. She gets pissed off when I call her on her **** and she loses the argument. 



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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

I checked her laptop this morning and only thing on it is work related. Nothing in the browser search history other that work. 
Facebook appears to be pretty clean and the only other place if she is talking to someone would be on TikTok and I can not look at it till I get my hands on her phone. 
She has never tried to hide her phone from me, we have always been transparent with one and other. But the new phone is swipe password protected and I have no idea what the pattern is. Mine is fingerprint and password, so all she has to do is type in my password to look at my phone. 

Last night was quiet, she barely spoke unless I spoke to her so we did not talk much. Her knee is killing her and I feel bad for her but she did it to herself and would not listen to me about rest. I got my boy ready for bed and ran our girl to bed. I went to bed without her. 
All night long she kept reaching for me to hold her any time I would turn over in my sleep. Even when my alarm went off, she took my hand and pulled me back to hold her. So I stayed in bed with her an extra 15 minutes. 

Guys, I am an expert at cheating, I used to be horrible before I met Niki.
My 2 years of no sex, was my choice. Niki was not the first woman I had sex with when I met her, I was actually talking to someone else. But I have changed and I do not date 2 chics at the same time, so I broke it off with the other chic. 

But Niki knows my past, and knows I was a cheater and a player. But I am done with that life style, and to throw a bone in front of me. Tell me to go sleep with someone else, she doesn't know what she is doing. 
I am no longer like that and I only want to be with her. But she needs to figure herself out, once I am done I am done and I will leave her in a world of hurt. 

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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> No, she is leaving the kids with me, so she can take a trip.
> 
> Yes this sucks, I feel like I have been friend zoned by my wife.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


Figure out who she is going to screw.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> I no longer know what a perfect life is.
> Things got pretty heated last night. I spend most days starved for her attention and can only have her attention when she is ready to give it to me.
> 
> She has been going to the gym to work out, all I hear is that I am mad because she is doing this. But I am not mad and have told her over and over. She now has a knee injury that could have been avoided if she would have listened to me. I told her that she needed to rest, work out 2 days and take a day off but she kept at it for almost a month strait. Now the knee injury is my fault because I texted her before I went to bed and told her how much I miss her.
> ...


She is screwing someone or about to. Villifying you so she can make it ok for her to cheat. How many times hag guys heard "I dont care for sex, does not do anything for me" then is getting plowed right and left by a POSOM.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

boonez40 said:


> once I am done I am done and I will leave her in a world of hurt.


Do yourself a big favor, and eliminate revengeful thoughts from your mind and from your self-talk. These are actually fighting against you, by placating you about your situation.
Also eliminate the "once"..... tomorrow never comes..... keep only "I am done".....

You need THE 180


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

“ The number one reason your woman is always pissed at you - ‘cause you ain’t her first choice.”

- Chris Rock


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

TJW said:


> Do yourself a big favor, and eliminate revengeful thoughts from your mind and from your self-talk. These are actually fighting against you, by placating you about your situation.
> Also eliminate the "once"..... tomorrow never comes..... keep only "I am done".....
> 
> You need THE 180


Thank you, best advice i have been given. 
This is the start of my 180, starting right this minute. 

I am an attractive man with lots to offer and I be damn if I am going to wallow in self pity for another minute. I am no longer going to throw myself at her. She either wants me or she doesn't. 

I survived a 1st horrible marriage of 17 years that lead to her cheating on me and then countless affairs on my part afterwards. I refuse to resorting to cheating. 
I am past all that crap and moving on. 

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> Thank you, best advice i have been given.
> This is the start of my 180, starting right this minute.
> 
> I am an attractive man with lots to offer and I be damn if I am going to wallow in self pity for another minute. I am no longer going to throw myself at her. She either wants me or she doesn't.
> ...


That all sounds fine and dandy when you say it, but you need to address some of your own issues and challenge some of your beliefs and choices going forward or you are just going to end up being a beta chump providing for single mothers that have no respect or desire for you again and again. 

My recommendation is contact @dadstartingover and start following some of his material and podcasts etc. 

Guys that keep falling into these traps are his specialty and and he has created a community of men that have been through the exact same thing that are digging themselves out of that abyss and trying to not make the same mistakes again. 

I would also recommend checking out some of Richard Cooper’s material on single mothers to get a better understanding of of all the pitfalls and problems with that. 

You sleepwalked into this past relationship without understanding or paying attention much of the dynamics that were taking place with her and her kids. 

If you are going to wade through a swamp, you at least need to know how to watch for snakes and alligators.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> That all sounds fine and dandy when you say it, but you need to address some of your own issues and challenge some of your beliefs and choices going forward or you are just going to end up being a beta chump providing for single mothers that have no respect or desire for you again and again.
> 
> My recommendation is contact @dadstartingover and start following some of his material and podcasts etc.
> 
> ...


Tried finding that selection but couldn't. 

I have ignored her the last 4 hours so she made time to call me a few minutes ago. I kept it brief and then said bye 

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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> *I heard everything last night from I am smothering her, I am mentally abusive, I am ugly and disgusting to all I want her for is sex. She has threatened to leave with our kids when she gets up and threatened to have me arrested and put in jail.*
> 
> That says it all, you need to protect yourself, she has no love for you or has completely lost it.


When a woman says she'll have you thrown in jail.........believe her!!!!




manowar said:


> This is the giveaway. Nice Guy - Beta Provider from early on.
> 
> Check out Rich Cooper's videos on youtube for a wake-up. Buy his book while your at it. Read the rational Male by Rollo T. Your brain needs rewiring.


Agreed. Rollo's second book is good too.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Last night she decided she wanted to talk to me..
We had a decent talk and 
kinda cleared the air on a few subjects. 

I did not say much, but I listened very carefully to what she had to say. Turns out as the 180 plan said, I have not been listening to her and what she needed. 
She doesn't need my confession of love, my pleads of passions. 
She just wants me to talk to her about anything and be her best friend. She doesn't need to be smothered with love, she already knows I love her. 

Her words
For 5 years she has waited for me to be her best friend and endured me working 2 jobs and her working a different shift and when I was home, I was to tired to be her friend and she felt like a piece of meat that was only given attention when I wanted to screw her. 
Now we have every evening together and weekends, and I still do not talk to her. She said she just gave up. 

Yes I am guilty of this, mentally I was drained and did not want to talk. I got in a ruetine and a pattern. I have only been hearing this repeated conversation for the last 3 years and only hearing what I wanted to hear, she needed more love. No, she needed a friend to talk to and have a life. So I need to work on this part of me. I need to start just having conversations with her about anything. 

I noticed that she used to smother me when I was working 2 jobs, here lately not so much. But I did not mind being smothered because I missed the hell out of her. For me, just being in the same room with her was enough. I knew I had a job to do if bills was going to get paid so I pushed myself everyday. She also used to call me at my first job and tell me if I came home right now, we would jump in bed, have sex and lay together until she had to go to work. I always thought she was goofing and laughed it off as a joke and said no, better stay and work. Maybe I should have taken her seriously and did just what she wanted. God knows I wanted too. 




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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

boonez40 said:


> she felt like a piece of meat


this very well may be true. have to guard against this.



boonez40 said:


> and* be her best friend.*


Be careful with this. Best friends are likes. Lovers are *opposites*. Best friends don't have hot sex. Women say they want a husband/best friend but do they really. Yes to a point they do. But this thinking may be the number one cause of male marital betaization. You don't want to fall into the beta trap. You have to learn how this psychology works. Ignore it at your own peril. You're not going to be told this by a marriage counselor. You want to be somewhere around 75-80% alpha with the balance beta for a solid relationship. Seems like you have to up your alpha side when you are with your wife.

Don't start cooking and cleaning, and running errands like a best friend thinking this will solve your problems. Dressing better and going to the gym are good starting points to up your game. I suggest you read up on these dynamics. you seem capable of pulling it off. A lot of guys who end up here don't have it in them to be perfectly honest. they are very weak. Just read the long history of past infidelity stories and you'll see what I mean.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> Last night she decided she wanted to talk to me..
> We had a decent talk and
> kinda cleared the air on a few subjects.
> 
> ...


So why not suggest that you go with her on the trip and try to work on that friendship?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So why not suggest that you go with her on the trip and try to work on that friendship?


I have thought about that and I have made arrangements for our children but still working on care for the animals. Maybe if I keep working the process of the plan then she will not feel like she needs time away. Her trip is still a few weeks out. 

I have noticed that the last 2 nights has been different between us. The tension is easing up. I have changed my way of feeling around her. 

Yesterday I ignored her for 6 hours before making any attempt at contacting her and only contacted her about daily events that need to be discussed. 

I am letting her come to me and talk instead of me trying to force the conversation. 

Last night I went to bed without her again. She came to bed sooner than I expected. She got in bed and did not do the usual complaining. She wanted to be close to me. So the night was spent in the spoon position with her pulling my arms and body around hers. She actual work me up at 3 am and wanted me to kiss her and hold her tighter. 

I actually came back to bed this morning to lay with her another 30 minutes before going to work and she never complained. She just rolled up on my chest and held my hand and fell back asleep. 

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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> I have thought about that and I have made arrangements for our children but still working on care for the animals. Maybe if I keep working the process of the plan then she will not feel like she needs time away. Her trip is still a few weeks out.
> 
> I have noticed that the last 2 nights has been different between us. The tension is easing up. I have changed my way of feeling around her.
> 
> ...


You spooned, hugged, no sex? Sounds pitiful. 

Are you still sucking up to her or what?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

She's being nice because she's getting her way. That's it, btw. 

She's still going on the trip, she senses you've accepted it.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> When a woman says she'll have you thrown in jail.........believe her!!!!


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> You spooned, hugged, no sex? Sounds pitiful.
> 
> Are you still sucking up to her or what?


No i am not sucking up to her, I am going on about life and letting her make the first move. 
I am not going to make this about sex because its more of the physical intimacy I want from her. At this point I can do without the sex. I need to make sure our marriage is rock solid and on the right track without her feeling like she is just a piece of meat. One hurdle at a time and my first priority is to have my best friend back. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

snerg said:


>


I removed that power out of her hands. She has nothing to hold over my head and threaten me with now. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

So let's move on from the cheating aspect, at this point I do not believe she is cheating nor talking to anyone else. I have found no evidence that suggests this. We are transparent with each other, we both know each others passwords, she handed me her phone last night for me to look at a Tiktok. I can look through her phone anytime I want. I can even shut the phone off anytime I want with the click of a button. 
She has no unexplained time loss away from her family. 

Now let's focus on her lack of sex drive. 

Her sister can't keep her panties on and I can't get the wife's panties off. Something is a miss. 

Niki mom divorced her dad when she was around 11, I believe. 
I know Niki and her sister were both in Therapy after the divorce, odd to me after all Dad was only home on the weekends. 
Dad has visitation rights but only for a set hours and has to be supervised, again very odd to me. 
Generally supervised is for reason of abuse. 
So I called Nick's mom, we had a conversation and I casually asked her so why did you and your husband divorce. Well she said to tell you the truth he made a comment that there wasn't man, woman, child or animal that he wouldn't screw. So this stuck in her mind and she began to look into things and discovered the oldest daughter and daddy where writing love letters to each other and they wasn't of a parents love for a child type of letters. So she tossed him out the door and on his ass. Daddy is dead now, he died of ASL a few years later. Probably God's punishment. 



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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> So let's move on from the cheating aspect, at this point I do not believe she is cheating nor talking to anyone else. I have found no evidence that suggests this. We are transparent with each other, we both know each others passwords, she handed me her phone last night for me to look at a Tiktok. I can look through her phone anytime I want. I can even shut the phone off anytime I want with the click of a button.
> She has no unexplained time loss away from her family.
> 
> Now let's focus on her lack of sex drive.
> ...


Gods punishment?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Gods punishment?


Maybe if he molested his own children then died of a deadly D a few years later. And yes I am a God fearing man and I believe he will punish us for doing harm to a child or children. Niki mom is also a pastor of a church and I have studied the Bible a good bit in the last 11 years. Let's just say I have seen and experienced a thing or 2. 

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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> Maybe if he molested his own children then died of a deadly D a few years later. And yes I am a God fearing man and I believe he will punish us for doing harm to a child or children. Niki mom is also a pastor of a church and I have studied the Bible a good bit in the last 11 years. Let's just say I have seen and experienced a thing or 2.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


So are you saying he molested his own children?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So are you saying he molested his own children?


I am saying that there is a high possibility that he did. There has to be some reason why her mind is locked up from enjoying physical sexual contact. 

I have been friends with her family for over 30 years before I even knew Niki. I remember going to her cousins carpet store to watch the parade. His dad would always say, if Butch shows up, keep the kids away from him. 

Now years later, Niki recently told me she used to go to the carpet store with her dad to watch the parade and his nickname was Butch. 

So you do the math as to what was said about a guy named Butch, Niki dads nickname was Butch and why Niki mom divorced Butch and placed Niki and her older sister in therapy. 

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe for the three little childrens sakes?
> 
> She said she wanted to leave the kids with him not take them herself for 3 days.


Omg.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Read your thread. You have been and are being duped. Your wife is just being nice to get the babysitter/provider that she needs.

you’re never going to get sex, you’re never going to have a good marriage with her, and you’re never going to stop believing her ******** excuses.
You can be responsible for her past and try to be the white knight if you want to, but the results will be the same. The total BS your wife tells you and the truth are light years apart.

you make all these excuses why you didn’t get sex before marriage, now after, even getting to the point you say you don’t want it, you just want the intimacy. Yeah, sex IS intimacy—- no, definitely not the sex you get, when you get it...... 

Someone needs to wake you up. I hope my post has you good and upset. You should be. You should be upset at yourself for putting up with this crazy BS for so long and being her babysitter while she goes off and has fun. It is unheard of for a person to go cross country ALONE. The only reason a person would do that is to see someone they REALLY want to see.

So there’s your 2x4....,, I hope it helps.

your attempts to stay in this deal with the slightest breadcrumb thrown your way aren’t going to pay off. What you’re experiencing doesn’t happen in a normal relationship.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Read your thread. You have been and are being duped. Your wife is just being nice to get the babysitter/provider that she needs.
> 
> you’re never going to get sex, you’re never going to have a good marriage with her, and you’re never going to stop believing her ****** excuses.
> You can be responsible for her past and try to be the white knight if you want to, but the results will be the same. The total BS your wife tells you and the truth are light years apart.
> ...


Son
It will take more than than that to piss me off. 

But to update you, we spent the whole day together. Just her and I. 
And we had a lot of fun together. 
We are getting to know one and other all over again. She was happy all day and we never had a hard word between us. We talked and laughed, I had not seen her laugh and have a smile on her face in a long time. We even talked about the future together. 

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> Son
> It will take more than than that to piss me off.
> 
> But to update you, we spent the whole day together. Just her and I.
> ...


You're smoking the pipe.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What pipe, you may be wondering.

Hopium.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Livvie said:


> What pipe, you may be wondering.
> 
> Hopium.


Maybe so, but is that your professional opinion?

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Niki wants to get our names Tattoo on each other, although I love her, I am not sure I want to go this route. 

I already have my ex wife's name on my body and I hate it because she totally disgusts me. I have nothing but hate for my ex wife. 
I forgive her for what she did to our marriage but I can not forgive her for the horrible things she did to our children. 

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LOL...not saying a word. Just going to eat my popcorn....


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> Niki wants to get our names Tattoo on each other, although I love her, I am not sure I want to go this route.
> 
> I already have my ex wife's name on my body and I hate it because she totally disgusts me. I have nothing but hate for my ex wife.
> I forgive her for what she did to our marriage but I can not forgive her for the horrible things she did to our children.
> ...


Why has that not been removed already?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why has that not been removed already?


I am getting it removed ASAP, I never gave it much thought. Plus I am a man and was not hearing what my wife was saying all these years. 

I just never thought it meant that much, plus it reminds of my past mistakes and not to make them again. 

But I see there are a lot of negative people on this forum that rarely have anything positive to say. So it makes no wonder why a tattoo of a name bothers so many in a relationship. But then again, I am not the one wearing the shoes, so it might bother me had she had another guys name on her. Yeah it would bother me. 

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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> I am getting it removed ASAP, I never gave it much thought. Plus I am a man and was not hearing what my wife was saying all these years.
> 
> I just never thought it meant that much, plus it reminds of my past mistakes and not to make them again.
> 
> ...


Ir seems to a SO that you are holding on to the past. And by nit getting another with her name it aays ex is more important.

Think of it in male mindset. Wife was a freak in bed with ex, and has video or photos she will not get rid of. At same time she will not do those same acts with you that she is doing in her keep sakes.

Same type of action. You have a momento(ex tattoo) but have not removed it and will not get one of current wife.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Its still early in the game, a few hurdles have slowed things up a few days. 
Doctor put her on Prednazone for her knee injury. After the 2nd dose she told me she wasn't taking any more of it because she did not want us to end up in a fight. Its pretty one of those steroid that will flip your mind. It can even cause a Phycaughtic breakdown. 

Saturday was a stress relief day as I said before. 
Sunday turned into a scorcher. She could not keep her hands off me and was very aggressive when she wanted me. But she is starting to initiate more physical intimacy. I know it is close to her menstrual cycle and that will place a hold on things but it no reason that we can't still kiss and make out if she desires. 
I am no longer using words about sex. Matter of fact the 180 has been a life saver. I am just going to let it happen naturally and on her time. I might even deny sex the first couple times and let the feeling of wanting me build up. 

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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> Its still early in the game, a few hurdles have slowed things up a few days.
> Doctor put her on Prednazone for her knee injury. After the 2nd dose she told me she wasn't taking any more of it because she did not want us to end up in a fight. Its pretty one of those steroid that will flip your mind. It can even cause a Phycaughtic breakdown.
> 
> Saturday was a stress relief day as I said before.
> ...


Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If she initiates and you turn her down for sport then you are an idiot. You want to reinforce behavior you like. So if she initiates and you want sex then you have sex and you tell her how amazing it feels when she initiates. How sexy that is.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
> 
> If she initiates and you turn her down for sport then you are an idiot. You want to reinforce behavior you like. So if she initiates and you want sex then you have sex and you tell her how amazing it feels when she initiates. How sexy that is.


Yeah your right.k


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What a sucker. She definitely married the right one.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> What a sucker. She definitely married the right one.


I am not a sucker by any means. 
I am doing the right things by working on my marriage.

If she goes on a trip by herself, it is no different than if I would jump on a plane and go on a hunting trip. I would have the same chances of cheating on her as she would cheat on me. 
If she is going to cheat, then she could cheat right in our home town as well as she could cheat out of town. 
If she is going to cheat, she will do it regardless where she is at. 

Since I started the 180, she has not even spoken about going on a trip. Everything has been positive in the relationship so far. I have seen a change in her and our relationship. 

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> If she goes on a trip by herself, it is no different than if I would jump on a plane and go on a hunting trip. I would have the same chances of cheating on her as she would cheat on me.
> If she is going to cheat, then she could cheat right in our home town as well as she could cheat out of town.



Ummm Earth to @boonez40 Earth to boonez40, are you lost in space?? 

Are you serious??

Are you really going to try to compare opportunities of hooking up between a bunch of grungy, smelly guys tromping through the woods, to women getting all dressed and polished up going out hitting the clubs drinking and dancing and partying it up in Vegas?????

REALLY???? 😲 😜


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Ummm Earth to @boonez40 Earth to boonez40, are you lost in space??
> 
> Are you serious??
> 
> ...


No just making a point, if a wife is going cheat, she is going to cheat 

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> No just making a point, if a wife is going cheat, she is going to cheat
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


There is truth to that. 

But the degree of opportunity and environment do play a big role. 

When a woman is out the town far away from home away from any witnesses the chances increase by 3,726 times. 

When there are underlying marital issues, multiply that 100 fold.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> There is truth to that.
> 
> But the degree of opportunity and environment do play a big role.
> 
> ...


If she was my Ex wife, I would agree with you, that B was nuts. She was also a cheater before I married her. I should have never said yes. But we had a child together and I thought she had grown up. As the years went on, she just got crazier and crazier....
I was in law enforcement then and was working doubles to put her through college . I came home one day and discovered she was a drunk and posting nude pics on FUBAR. Then I discovered she was taking Adderall as well....smoking weed... I was like wtf is this woman. The rent had not been paid in 6 months, her car payment was behind 8 months. I owed 160 grand to her school.... 
Then I was trying to catch everything back up, deal with her crap. I got offered a bribe one day and thats all she wrote. 4 months later I was in deep. Then I got caught and did a couple years in prison. 

Niki is not like my Ex in any way shape or form. Niki doesn't even drink. She works all the time and when she isn't at work, she is at home with me and the kids. Apart from the gym, she goes nowhere with out me. Not my choice, most times Niki makes me go. 

When she goes to the gym, she texts me and sends me pics of her working out. She comes strait home, takes a shower and comes to bed. 

Apart from work, we are rarely apart. We even hunt together most of the time. She is an outdoorsy person and loves animals. For her to want to go on this trip is not out of the realm. But let's keep it in perspective. 
Its 3 days. One day on a plane, a day of site seeing and the last day back on a plane to home. We have not been anywhere in 3 years and she has cabin fever. 

So let's get past the cheating, I gave it some thought, I have ruled it out. I am past it and moving on.



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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> can I ask you are you if your letting her know you find her sexy all times of the day when your at work do you phone her to say hello just thinking of her it looks like she was looking for a man and not a husband , in other words she wanted a father not a lover , she was running away from a man that did not want the same things as she did you were in the right place she swapped sex for a home life now comfort has set in and the absence of attraction is there ,
> romance is from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed , you also need to tell her in the right was that you need to make love for both of you ,
> 
> IT IS SAD and I wish I had the response that would make things better , if she was rapped or abused as a young girl or even if she was just in a home that brain washed her into thinking sex was wrong and dirty , it will take a lot to get her past that , worth working on it is the only thing wrong in your relationship ,
> as I said above if your doing most thing right ( no one is perfect ) but you did not seem to say if this is the only thing wrong from having the perfect life


I never had the chance to touch back with you. 
Yes, most of our fights revolve around me wanting physical intimacy in the form of sex. 
Other than that, she is a great wife. 
I am guessing I do not convey sex in a manner that is pleasing to her ear. I am barbaric and perverted with her at times, I am also romantic, gentle and sweet. Just depends on the mood I am in. 
Maybe I am to much for her as I tend to have a high sex drive. 

So I am going to work more on my romantic side, maybe I missed something along the way. 

The answer to your question is yes I am romantic all day long but I have pulled back a good bit as not to smother her. 

Maybe she has never had someone love her as I do. Her past relationship did not sound so hot. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

We are no longer talking about a trip by herself, today she told me she wants us all to go away somewhere for 3 days. 

Still no sex but she has brought it up a few times and I have been very respectful in the conversation. Last night while in bed, she said she was sorry we could not have sex this week and she was sorry she could not have sex last night but please scratch my back. I told her that I am sorry I made her feel like a back rub and a scratch insinuated she had to have sex. 
But the quality of life is changing for the better between us. 

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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Why couldn’t you have had sex this week or last night?

What was her reasoning for withholding? Sounds like she’s still avoiding it and making excuses. When you say “the quality of life is changing for the better between us” you sound like someone really trying to convince themselves. She was just wanting to go on a solo trip to get pounded out by someone new a week ago.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> Why couldn’t you have had sex this week or last night?
> 
> What was her reasoning for withholding? Sounds like she’s still avoiding it and making excuses. When you say “the quality of life is changing for the better between us” you sound like someone really trying to convince themselves. She was just wanting to go on a solo trip to get pounded out by someone new a week ago.


Wow, you guys are something else. Always reverts back to she is cheating or going to cheat. 

For your information, since it is apparent that you are being on the ignorant side. Women have this thing they go through once a month that last 5 to 7 days. Its called a menstrual cycle. 

To tell you the truth, trying get some real insight from you guys into her dislike for sex has turned into a worse nightmare than getting into an argument with my wife. 

Does anyone have anything else to add to this conversation other than she wants to get ram rod from another guy. 
If not, then I am deleting my post and disengaging from this forum. 

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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

boonez40 said:


> Does anyone have anything else to add to this conversation other than she wants to get ram rod from another guy.


I do. When my wife is having her period like she is now and she wants a back rub I give her one and if it’s a really good back rub and she feels like it (like yesterday) she gives me a BJ. The one I got under these exact circumstances yesterday was 10/10 and I would recommend it as a potential solution if she is up for it.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I do. When my wife is having her period like she is now and she wants a back rub I give her one and if it’s a really good back rub and she feels like it (like yesterday) she gives me a BJ. The one I got under these exact circumstances yesterday was 10/10 and I would recommend it as a potential solution if she is up for it.


She always gets a bad migraine during her monthly. So last night we did not cuddle as much because of the heating pad use. 

Most of the time, she so wrapped in me, that she is on my side of the bed when I wake up for work. 

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> Wow, you guys are something else. Always reverts back to she is cheating or going to cheat.
> 
> For your information, since it is apparent that you are being on the ignorant side. Women have this thing they go through once a month that last 5 to 7 days. Its called a menstrual cycle.
> 
> ...


Your opening post states that she told you she has no interest in having sex with you.

I don't think she's cheating.

I think she's just not interested in you. And sex with you. Well, she came right out and told you that.

What are you going to do about that?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> Wow, you guys are something else. Always reverts back to she is cheating or going to cheat.
> 
> For your information, since it is apparent that you are being on the ignorant side. Women have this thing they go through once a month that last 5 to 7 days. Its called a menstrual cycle.
> 
> ...


I will say it. She does not find you sexually attractive. If she can’t find time for you she doesn’t want you…anything else you need from us?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I will say it. She does not find you sexually attractive. If she can’t find time for you she doesn’t want you…anything else you need from us?


No, 98 % of you guys have shown me that you can judge someone someone without any proof of infidelity. 

Makes me wonder what kind of a horrid life your spouse and family live around many of you. 

There is no proof, I have found nothing that points to even talking to another guy. She has no social interactions outside of our home or work. We spend all our free time, with one and other. 

Now i will admit, everyone has a fault or 2, but cheating is not one of hers and frankly I am ashamed at myself that I let the thought enter my head. I feel horrible inside that I even had that thought. 

50% of the blame for how arguments start is on me, I do not handle rejection well. I have found through my own research that acting in a negative way to rejects can push a wife away and cause resentment. I have found that being more understanding and positive about being rejected has only created a more stable environment that her rejection are less frequent and her nagging session are less frequent. 

I have also been using the disengage process. Anytime that she becomes agitated and I see its not going to turn out good, I disengage from the negative behavior and go about doing something else. This ends the uprising before it has a chance to grow into an official argument. What general would have been a 2 hour fight now has been reduced to a 2 minute disagreement. 

I feel like that i have engaged way to much and way to long into negative attention seeking behavior with her. It becomes a power struggle of rights and wrongs and who is the worst in the relationship. By doing this, she is getting the attention she is seeking from me in a negative way. I have to correct this before it gets really out of control. I make my self available for attention only if it is a positive behavior. If it is a negative behavior, I go on about doing something else. 

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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think you have left the light go out IN your relationship , if you went for help they would tell you to go back and start over romancing and dating her without sex been the end result ,


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think you have left the light go out IN your relationship , if you went for help they would tell you to go back and start over romancing and dating her without sex been the end result ,


I agree with you and that's what I have been doing. Its a tough challenge at times with work and children but I am trying and I think she is seeing that I am trying. 

I came out of a bad marriage of 17 years, plus we was together for another 8 years before we got married. I am learning all over again and its hit or miss. 

I never claimed to be perfect, but I also know that I have a lot of poor default behaviors I need to unlearn. My first wife was mentally abusive and her silent treatments could last for days. I still have no clue to what she was mad about 95% of the time. She was like a magazine, she had issues and finally after years of struggling, I unsubscribed. 

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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> No, 98 % of you guys have shown me that you can judge someone someone without any proof of infidelity.
> 
> Makes me wonder what kind of a horrid life your spouse and family live around many of you.
> 
> ...


Obviously you believe that persons sharing the blaring negatives in your relationship are wrong and you get defensive. 

Why are you here? Glad you are, I'd recommend you listen to others unbiased perspectives a bit.
Listen.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Obviously you believe that persons sharing the blaring negatives in your relationship are wrong and you get defensive.
> 
> Why are you here? Glad you are, I'd recommend you listen to others unbiased perspectives a bit.
> Listen.


Ok, I believe I did listen and again I have found no evidence that supports her cheating. I do not know how much clearer I can make it that there is no evidence of infidelity. If and when I find any evidence, I will share it. But right now at this point, I can not keep entertaining this thought and I need to move on to subjects of areas that I need to improve on. Because if I keep ignoring where I need to improve, then how long before infidelity does appear by my own creation. Either on my part or on hers, we are all guilty of being able to submit ourselves to the same temptations as I used to do in my first marriage. As I stated earlier, I used to be a cheater out of validation and is not something I am interested in falling back into. 

All I can do is be the best person I can be to her without being a doormat. I see she is starting to meet me 50/50 in the relationship and its improving. 

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It boils down to a few simple things:

Y’all weren’t having much dating sex to begin with.
She needed someone to be a permanent wallet babysitter.
Your a bit of a sucker and fell for it.
You never recognized she isn’t really sexually attracted to you.

In summary: Your absolutely undoubtedly never going to get what your looking for. She will throw you a dog biscuit now and then to keep you on the leash but that is it. Those are the reasons sex doesn’t do anything for your wife and it’s never going to change.

People can not control who they are attracted to and they can not force themselves to be sexually attracted to someone. It’s that simple. She settled for you. Yeah I know it’s horrible but deep down you know it to be true.

Know what you want and accept in life and never be ashamed of it ..... don’t subdue yourself to anyone. The panties will fall off by themselves.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> Ok, I believe I did listen and again I have found no evidence that supports her cheating. I do not know how much clearer I can make it that there is no evidence of infidelity. If and when I find any evidence, I will share it. But right now at this point, I can not keep entertaining this thought and I need to move on to subjects of areas that I need to improve on. Because if I keep ignoring where I need to improve, then how long before infidelity does appear by my own creation. Either on my part or on hers, we are all guilty of being able to submit ourselves to the same temptations as I used to do in my first marriage. As I stated earlier, I used to be a cheater out of validation and is not something I am interested in falling back into.
> 
> All I can do is be the best person I can be to her without being a doormat. I see she is starting to meet me 50/50 in the relationship and its improving.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


You have to understand that in most healthy relationships a wife (or husband) would not want to go on a long weekend trip cross country without the spouse and kids. That is a huge red flag, but you r are right, it isn't a guarantee that she is going to cheat. It is just very suspicious. At the least it does mean there are major issues. To me, I doubt she would be going cross country just find a hookup, unless she has been having an emotional affair with someone on the other coast and you say there is no evidence of that. 

It seems like a good sign that she no longer want to go by herself. You can try to be the best husband you can and see if things get better, but at some point you will need to revisit the topic of sex and intimacy. I know for me sex is a huge part of our intimacy. We definitely have intimacy that takes other forms, but they aren't replacements for the intimacy and emotional connection we get from sex. 

Here are some articles I've found to be very useful. 









Why it's important to talk about sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Many couples don't about sex, and we know why. It's embarrassing, awkward and uncomfortable. But it's still important. Here's why.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Why do we keep having the same argument? - Uncovering Intimacy


Feel like you keeping having the same argument over and over again? Here's why and what you can do about it.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












How to have a conversation - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you know how to have a conversation? Are you sure? A lot of people think they know, but they're really just skilled at talking, not conversation.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have to understand that in most healthy relationships a wife (or husband) would not want to go on a long weekend trip cross country without the spouse and kids. That is a huge red flag, but you r are right, it isn't a guarantee that she is going to cheat. It is just very suspicious. At the least it does mean there are major issues. To me, I doubt she would be going cross country just find a hookup, unless she has been having an emotional affair with someone on the other coast and you say there is no evidence of that.
> 
> It seems like a good sign that she no longer want to go by herself. You can try to be the best husband you can and see if things get better, but at some point you will need to revisit the topic of sex and intimacy. I know for me sex is a huge part of our intimacy. We definitely have intimacy that takes other forms, but they aren't replacements for the intimacy and emotional connection we get from sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words of wisdom, I will read up at lunch time. I always strive to be better but some of the posters on here have been very negative and the impact is kind of rough. No one wants to know that their spouse is cheating but its a bridge will have to deal with when or if it happens. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> It boils down to a few simple things:
> 
> Y’all weren’t having much dating sex to begin with.
> She needed someone to be a permanent wallet babysitter.
> ...


Right now I do not need the sex, I just need her to be healthy in our relationship 

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> Right now I do not need the sex, I just need her to be healthy in our relationship
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


But your first post is all about the lack of sex? She must have thrown you a bone.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You are ignoring all of the posters who have suggested she isn't sexually attracted to you.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> We are no longer talking about a trip by herself, today she told me she wants us all to go away somewhere for 3 days.
> 
> Still no sex but she has brought it up a few times and I have been very respectful in the conversation. Last night while in bed, she said she was sorry we could not have sex this week and she was sorry she could not have sex last night but please scratch my back. I told her that I am sorry I made her feel like a back rub and a scratch insinuated she had to have sex.
> But the quality of life is changing for the better between us.
> ...


How can you accept, sorry, but we're not having sex?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> How can you accept, sorry, but we're not having sex?


Easy, I left sex out of the equation. Sex will happen when it happens. I no longer have any expectations of sex, therefore I am no longer disappointed. I am good at disconnecting from my emotions 

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> I am good at disconnecting from my emotions
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


that’s what good relationships are made of ?
Your setting yourself up for more of the same. You should work on changing your fundamental beliefs of male/female relationships. I’m not bashing your wife either. Woman can settle.... many of them do it. Many of their spouses accept it and swallow that down. If you can handle that then it’s perfectly fine just like all those other guys. Your original post is about lack of sex .... you have your answer. She settled.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Livvie said:


> You are ignoring all of the posters who have suggested she isn't sexually attracted to you.


Because opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> But your first post is all about the lack of sex? She must have thrown you a bone.


Lol, no 
It would more like I thrower her the bone but thanks for your concerns. 

Sex will happen when it happens. All in good time. 

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> Because opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


Here's the thing. If she was sexually attracted to you she'd be having sex with you. Period or no there would be something going on. If not sex than oral for you, handies, mutual masturbation...something. She's straight up told you she doesn't want you sexually. Her actions back her words. You're just not listening. 

You think because she gets along with you, is close to you, cuddles up to you, has a family with you, she must be experiencing the whole package of romantic love, including sexual desire. This is a fallacy. It's more about the stability and security, companionship, overall compatibility, and life building. Many women and men have married spouses they love, want to grow old with, but are not sexually attracted to. And who is going to outright say "I love you, I think you're a good man who is aesthetically pleasing, I want to spend my life with you, but I just don't have any particular sexual attraction to you?"


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Here's the thing. If she was sexually attracted to you she'd be having sex with you. Period or no there would be something going on. If not sex than oral for you, handies, mutual masturbation...something. She's straight up told you she doesn't want you sexually. Her actions back her words. You're just not listening.
> 
> You think because she gets along with you, is close to you, cuddles up to you, has a family with you, she must be experiencing the whole package of romantic love, including sexual desire. This is a fallacy. It's more about the stability and security, companionship, overall compatibility, and life building. Many women and men have married spouses they love, want to grow old with, but are not sexually attracted to. And who is going to outright say "I love you, I think you're a good man who is aesthetically pleasing, I want to spend my life with you, but I just don't have any particular sexual attraction to you?"


i think it is a case of no man and no woman find a person that ticks all box's and in this case she is happy to have a man that ticks other box's but not the sex and sexual attraction box


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> You think because she gets along with you, is close to you, cuddles up to you, has a family with you, she must be experiencing the whole package of romantic love, including sexual desire. This is a fallacy.


@MJJEAN 
And now if we could just make some sort of auto redirect that takes every man that says “My wife doesn’t want sex” to this very statement right here we could all save ourselves a lot of time.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> @MJJEAN
> And now if we could just make some sort of auto redirect that takes every man that says “My wife doesn’t want sex” to this very statement right here we could all save ourselves a lot of time.


Well its to late, I have already married her. There is not any throw back policy for lack of sex. 

I did ask her this morning. I know you say you love me but are you physically attracted to me. 
She said, I would not have married you if I was not physically attracted to you but you have been a jerk to me for so long that I am not giving you what you want till you start treating me the way I want to be treated. 

I am rather rude and strait to the point. I do not candy coat things. It is what it is. So I have been working on my communication skills. I think we might have sex tonight. Her last words was FU


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Torninhalf said:


> What is this trip about?


Probably to see her boyfriend. Check your phone bill.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Probably to see her boyfriend. Check your phone bill.


I did and found the number in her contacts, someone named Marc878

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man but your wife married a check book. That’s all you are. You should have looked a bit harder before you leaped into this one but it’s your life. You’re the one who gets to live it.

Hopefully you didn’t adopt the kids yet so when reality hits you won’t be on the hook for years.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Sorry man but your wife married a check book. That’s all you are. You should have looked a bit harder before you leaped into this one but it’s your life. You’re the one who gets to live it.
> 
> Hopefully you didn’t adopt the kids yet so when reality hits you won’t be on the hook for years.


Lol, so do tell me
What does my check book look like ? 

Lets put this to rest, I work and she works. We buy food and necessity. We do not have any spending habits. She is not a materialistic person. She is a very practical woman. Only thing she has is a habit of cooking way to much food. She loves to cook and is very good at it. The girl can cook. 



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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> Lol, so do tell me
> What does my check book look like ?
> 
> Lets put this to rest, I work and she works. We buy food and necessity. We do not have any spending habits. She is not a materialistic person. She is a very practical woman. Only thing she has is a habit of cooking way to much food. She loves to cook and is very good at it. The girl can cook.
> ...


Did you adopt the kids?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A guy I worked with married a woman and adopted her son. As soon as the ink was dry on the adoption papers she dumped him. He’s still paying for the kid.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Did you adopt the kids?


No and she has not asked for child support from the sperm donor nor contacted him after she found out she was pregnant with his kid. I demanded she get an abortion and she left him without any further contact. 

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> There is not any throw back policy for lack of sex.



FALSE

But at least she used the word “F”

Next up: Hoop Jumping


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Another thread brought to light a problem that maybe relevant to this thread. It seems that for OP sex is a marathon type thing. I know that many women would not enjoy this and thus may avoid it due to time constraints or the sheer amount of work sex involved. If you are pumping for 30 minutes that is a workout and OP says he can sometimes go for up to 4 hours. I know I'd be avoiding that as well.

OP what does a typical sexual encounter look like for you and your wife? What kind of foreplay and how long? what kind of intercourse and how long? Does your wife orgasm from PIV?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why haven’t you brought up your past in this thread...... changes things a little don’t ya think ? 🙄


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> I think we might have sex tonight. Her last words was FU


I think you forgot to put <sarcasm> </ssarcasm> around this.

I also saw this, and not sure I understand:


boonez40 said:


> she was pregnant with his kid. I demanded she get an abortion and she left him without any further contact.


So she got pregnant WHILE SHE WAS WITH YOU? YOU demanded an abortion or HE demanded it?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if sex does nothing for the wife may be he should change the ****


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I think you forgot to put around this.
> 
> I also saw this, and not sure I understand:
> 
> So she got pregnant WHILE SHE WAS WITH YOU? YOU demanded an abortion or HE demanded it?


Jesus, no it was before I met her, let's say 13 months give or take. Her girl was 4 months old when I met Niki

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Another thread brought to light a problem that maybe relevant to this thread. It seems that for OP sex is a marathon type thing. I know that many women would not enjoy this and thus may avoid it due to time constraints or the sheer amount of work sex involved. If you are pumping for 30 minutes that is a workout and OP says he can sometimes go for up to 4 hours. I know I'd be avoiding that as well.
> 
> OP what does a typical sexual encounter look like for you and your wife? What kind of foreplay and how long? what kind of intercourse and how long? Does your wife orgasm from PIV?


I will get back to you on this, I just gave a back rub for the last 30 minutes and I am going to bed.

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Why haven’t you brought up your past in this thread...... changes things a little don’t ya think ?


Did not think how much time I spend on her meant anything. We are talking about her lack of sex drive for a woman that is 11 years younger than I am. All you guys wanted to talk about is she is using me to be a wallet and she wants to get boned by someone else. 
I tried to tell you that infidelity was not the issue. 
Night 

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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> Did not think how much time I spend on her meant anything. We are talking about her lack of sex drive for a woman that is 11 years younger than I am. All you guys wanted to talk about is she is using me to be a wallet and she wants to get boned by someone else.
> I tried to tell you that infidelity was not the issue.
> Night
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


 there is a woman asking the same question just now about her husband have a look and see how the posters respond to her


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> there is a woman asking the same question just now about her husband have a look and see how the posters respond to her


Gotcha 
Right now I am visiting my dad at the nursing home so I may try to read up later 

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

boonez40 said:


> Did not think how much time I spend on her meant anything. We are talking about her lack of sex drive for a woman that is 11 years younger than I am. All you guys wanted to talk about is she is using me to be a wallet and she wants to get boned by someone else.
> I tried to tell you that infidelity was not the issue.
> Night
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


Right. It's probably not. The issue is she isn't interested in sex with you. But very interested in all of the other benefits, for her, of marriage.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Right. It's probably not. The issue is she isn't interested in sex with you. But very interested in all of the other benefits, for her, of marriage.


I agree, I mean who wouldn't be. That is the nature of ever human is to take advantage of opertunities other wise any one that wanted to date someone would just hang out at a homeless shelter. 

Its not the fact she is not physically attracted to me, the problem is she can not and has not ever had an orgasm. 

Like I am an expert in cunnilingus, I have never had a woman not go through orgasmic seizure. Most women have told me I have a true gift. And there is nothing I like more than to perform my skills. Its an addiction for me. I have tried everything to but to no avail nothing happens for her. Its like she starts to enjoy it and then she makes me stop because she says it is starting to hurt. I have adjust my touch, rhythm, finger in her butt, finger in her taco, fingers in both, come here. You get the point. 

Penitration is a no go, she says it feels good, she puts effort into it, so wet you nerver need lube. I can hear her splash, I am generally soaked from her vagina but no orgasm. 

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think your a Troll or just a huge liar.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

boonez40 said:


> I agree, I mean who wouldn't be. That is the nature of ever human is to take advantage of opertunities other wise any one that wanted to date someone would just hang out at a homeless shelter.
> 
> Its not the fact she is not physically attracted to me, the problem is she can not and has not ever had an orgasm.
> 
> ...


😂😂😂😂😂


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I think your a Troll or just a huge liar.


Wow, just wow 

Ok, I swear on my children's lives. Or how about this, I swear on your families lives as well. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

We took another hike today. 
I think tonight is the night that it will flow like a mighty river. 









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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Not my finest moment but I sure made it past the 2 minute mark and then some. 
Perseverance pays off. We shall see how the rest of the week works out. 
I love this woman like no other, I only wish she could love herself as much as I love her. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> She said, I would not have married you if I was not physically attracted to you but you have been a jerk to me for so long that I am not giving you what you want till you start treating me the way I want to be treated.


Let's explore this more.

First, define physical attraction. Many people confuse visual attraction and physical attraction. They are not the same thing. What your wife might have actually been saying is "I wouldn't have married you if I didn't think you're handsome!"



boonez40 said:


> Its not the fact she is not physically attracted to me, the problem is she can not and has not ever had an orgasm.


Has she ever had an orgasm with anyone else?

Why do you think she'd want to have sex if there really isn't anything in it for her beyond closeness and some pleasant physical stimulation? She can get closeness and physical stimulation from a massage and a cuddle. Why go through the mess and hassle of sex when it doesn't do a thing for her that other activities can do?

Going by what you've said, she doesn't want to have sex with you for her own reasons and doesn't want to have sex with you for you because you "were a jerk". So, at best, you can kiss her butt the right way and she'll suck it up and give you one sided sex as a reward at some future date...maybe. Is that how you want to live?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> We took another hike today.
> I think tonight is the night that it will flow like a mighty river.
> 
> 
> ...


That's a small river 🙄.

Should use a river like the mighty Mississippi or the Colorado!

Then there's some flowin' !!


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Lmao, yeah well no one said I was well endowed so there is no sense in pretending. 
I am just happy she threw me a bone. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Let's explore this more.
> 
> First, define physical attraction. Many people confuse visual attraction and physical attraction. They are not the same thing. What your wife might have actually been saying is "I wouldn't have married you if I didn't think you're handsome!"
> 
> ...


She has a lot of anxiety and gets up tight often. I feel this may be the great hurdle that stands in her way of achieving sexual gratification 

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> She has a lot of anxiety and gets up tight often. I feel this may be the great hurdle that stands in her way of achieving sexual gratification


Ok, but I asked if she has ever had an orgasm with anyone else. You know if the answer is yes then she isn't having orgasms with you for a reason.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Ok, but I asked if she has ever had an orgasm with anyone else. You know if the answer is yes then she isn't having orgasms with you for a reason.


Can she orgasm by herself? Has THAT ever happened for her?
If not, you may want to talk more to her to try and find out why she can't let herself go even by herself.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Ok, but I asked if she has ever had an orgasm with anyone else. You know if the answer is yes then she isn't having orgasms with you for a reason.


Sorry, at work and the answer is no 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Can she orgasm by herself? Has THAT ever happened for her?
> If not, you may want to talk more to her to try and find out why she can't let herself go even by herself.


Nope not even by herself. She doesn't even try. She bought a toy the couple weeks ago, 100.00 just sitting there unused. I have no clue why she even bought if she wasn't going to try. 
To tell you the truth i was the only one excited to use it on her but I have not pushed the issue. In her own time. 

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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

maybe you should try it with her. Toys can be fun accessories with sex to help ensure both people achieve a satisfactory outcome.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> Nope not even by herself. She doesn't even try. She bought a toy the couple weeks ago, 100.00 just sitting there unused. I have no clue why she even bought if she wasn't going to try.
> To tell you the truth i was the only one excited to use it on her but I have not pushed the issue. In her own time.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


Wow. Hopefully she'll try, and keep you in the loop.

Of course, maybe she's already tried it.....🙄😉😉


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> Nope not even by herself. She doesn't even try. She bought a toy the couple weeks ago, 100.00 just sitting there unused. I have no clue why she even bought if she wasn't going to try.
> To tell you the truth i was the only one excited to use it on her but I have not pushed the issue. In her own time.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


So, she's entirely anorgasmic, always has been, has little to no interest in trying to orgasm with a toy, while having told you she doesn't want to have sex with you, AND that she would IF you did XYZ for her, correct?

Translation: "I'm not a sexual being. I don't get anything out of sex. I don't want to have sex. But, if you act and behave as I want you to, I will deign to have sex with you...occasionally."

Stop asking why she doesn't like sex or like sex with you. Start asking why the Hell you'd want to have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy or want to have sex with you. Frankly, I couldn't do it. If my partner isn't enthusiastic, isn't into sex in general, and isn't into me in particular it's just....icky...bad...gross.

And don't get hung up on her being wet. That is an auto-response and doesn't always mean arousal. It's called arousal non concordance. The body can become very wet during stimulation, but it is an automated response and does not signal arousal. The body can also remain dry despite the woman being highly aroused. Think of it like your mouth watering when you aren't hungry or being a bit dry when you're starving. Similar concept anyway.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> So, she's entirely anorgasmic, always has been, has little to no interest in trying to orgasm with a toy, while having told you she doesn't want to have sex with you, AND that she would IF you did XYZ for her, correct?
> 
> Translation: "I'm not a sexual being. I don't get anything out of sex. I don't want to have sex. But, if you act and behave as I want you to, I will deign to have sex with you...occasionally."
> 
> ...


So my question to you, you say you could not live in a one sided sexual intimacy. 

What would you do if your significant other had an accident or illness that prevent them from ever enjoying sex again ? 
Would you eject ? 
Or stand by their side ? 

I guess that is where you and I differ, I am a man of my word and I married her to be in it for the long haul. 

But thank you for your opinion. 

I remember she told me once that she has a hard time turning her mind off during sex. She can't stop thinking about everything that needs done or life. I am.inclined to think something traumatic may have caused her to do a mental block on sex. 


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> I remember she told me once that she has a hard time turning her mind off during sex. She can't stop thinking about everything that needs done or life. I am.inclined to think something traumatic may have caused her to do a mental block on sex.



I don't remember -- have you suggested that she go to counseling for this? She should if she's had trauma ... for her OWN sake, not for just for sex.

If she can't turn off her mind about everything, she won't have the big O for sure...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> So my question to you, you say you could not live in a one sided sexual intimacy.
> 
> What would you do if your significant other had an accident or illness that prevent them from ever enjoying sex again ?
> Would you eject ?
> Or stand by their side ?


My mother was born with an extreme birth defect that left only her torso and head normally formed. She was very open about sex and sexuality, so I knew sex with disability is possible and enjoyable. Then I went to High School and got even more of an education. See, we were the only school in the area all on one floor. So, we got to be the school used by the disabled kids. A few of them were definitely sexually active. Some with other disabled kids and some with "normal" kids. So, I've always been aware of the possibilities, researched sex with disabled partners, and learned how to keep an active sex life should something happen to my partner.

DH and I have some fairly intense physical, mental, and emotional chemistry. That chemistry hasn't waned in 21 years. We've long since incorporated kink and toys into our sex life. We've been through temporary medical situations that kept us from having traditional sex. It's never been a problem. We both genuinely get pleasure from giving each other pleasure. If PIV is ever off the table I'll miss it, but I am fairly confident I won't go.

Would I divorce over lack of sex? No. I would, however, strongly consider divorce if DH wasn't interested in sharing sexual pleasure and intimacy in other ways.




boonez40 said:


> I am.inclined to think something traumatic may have caused her to do a mental block on sex.


Any particular reason to suspect trauma?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> My mother was born with an extreme birth defect that left only her torso and head normally formed. She was very open about sex and sexuality, so I knew sex with disability is possible and enjoyable. Then I went to High School and got even more of an education. See, we were the only school in the area all on one floor. So, we got to be the school used by the disabled kids. A few of them were definitely sexually active. Some with other disabled kids and some with "normal" kids. So, I've always been aware of the possibilities, researched sex with disabled partners, and learned how to keep an active sex life should something happen to my partner.
> 
> DH and I have some fairly intense physical, mental, and emotional chemistry. That chemistry hasn't waned in 21 years. We've long since incorporated kink and toys into our sex life. We've been through temporary medical situations that kept us from having traditional sex. It's never been a problem. We both genuinely get pleasure from giving each other pleasure. If PIV is ever off the table I'll miss it, but I am fairly confident I won't go.
> 
> ...


I asked Niki's mother, why MIL and FIL divorced. 
MIL stated that she found some letter wrote by Niki's older sister to FIL. The letters between the two were very inappropriate and lead one to believe that father and daughter was having a relationship of sexual nature. I guess an argument insued between MIL and FIL about the letters and FIL made the the statement that he would screw man, woman, child or beast. 
So MIL made FIL leave the house and divorced him. 
Apparently the judge felt the letters warranted supervised visits only. 

I have not spoken to Niki about this info as I do not know how to tell her, nor how she will react. 

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> I asked Niki's mother, why MIL and FIL divorced.
> MIL stated that she found some letter wrote by Niki's older sister to FIL. The letters between the two were very inappropriate and lead one to believe that father and daughter was having a relationship of sexual nature. I guess an argument insued between MIL and FIL about the letters and FIL made the the statement that he would screw man, woman, child or beast.
> So MIL made FIL leave the house and divorced him.
> Apparently the judge felt the letters warranted supervised visits only.
> ...


Honestly, could go either way. 

If FIL was molesting his daughter that doesn't necessarily mean anything happened to your wife or that she was even aware. For whatever reason, some abusers only abuse a specific child. So, it's possible nothing ever happened and it's possible she was abused, as well. 

I've known women who have never orgasmed, find direct genital stimulation to be ticklish or just uncomfortable, and find PIV to "feel ok", but that's it. Her lack of sexual interest could simply be how she's wired. I've also known women who were abused and they either went hypersexual or weren't interested in sex other than as required to keep a relationship intact.

If this is just how your wife is wired, that's it. This is her. Take it or leave it.

If your wife was abused she has a duty to herself and you to seek help. I would never blame a victim for being a victim, but I will hold a victim responsible for not doing everything possible for themselves to recover. You do her no favors by not bringing this up. If she was abused she needs help she's not getting.

Here's the thing, though. IF she was abused and IF she seeks help she may never find sex desirable. That's the reality. Therapy can take years to have any effect and there is absolutely no guarantee.

I don't know how you've communicated about this before, but I think you need to sit her down without interruption or distraction and have a hard talk. Lay it all out in BLUNT terms. Tell her you are unsatisfied, that this effects your physical and mental health, it damages the marital bond, and you need her to be radically honest as to what the hell is going on. Was she abused? Does she simply not like sex? Is she not into you or is it something you're doing wrong in terms of technique? Don't be emotional, don't let her cry or manipulate her way out of answering the hard questions with anger. Get to the bottom of it. 

If she won't address the issue and take action to work on the problem then you need to decide whether to accept your lot or move on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> I did ask her this morning. I know you say you love me but are you physically attracted to me.
> She said, I would not have married you if I was not physically attracted to you but you have been a jerk to me for so long that I am not giving you what you want till you start treating me the way I want to be treated.


This is what the Manosphere gurus like Richard Cooper and Rollo Tomassi et al refer to as “building a better beta.”


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This is what the Manosphere gurus like Richard Cooper and Rollo Tomassi et al refer to as “building a better beta.”


Please enlighten me, as things have been going very well for us. 

Sex twice this week, and she is even asking to have sex. She is back to her old self, not letting me pass by her until she kisses me, asking me to stay home from work, she will call off work, drop the kids off to the sitter and stay in bed all day. I wish, but a guy has got to work and obligations to meet. I am off today and all of next week. I only get paid for one day of holiday pay. I have not been there a year yet to get the whole week paid. I would have worked today, it would have been all overtime but I couldn't get a sitter. 




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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> Please enlighten me, as things have been going very well for us.
> 
> Sex twice this week, and she is even asking to have sex. She is back to her old self, not letting me pass by her until she kisses me, asking me to stay home from work, she will call off work, drop the kids off to the sitter and stay in bed all day. I wish, but a guy has got to work and obligations to meet. I am off today and all of next week. I only get paid for one day of holiday pay. I have not been there a year yet to get the whole week paid. I would have worked today, it would have been all overtime but I couldn't get a sitter.
> 
> ...


Generally when a woman isn’t having sex with her partner and then tells him that he’s hasn’t been nice enough to her or that he’s not doing enough around the house or hasn’t bought her anything lately etc etc - the result is often that he supplicates to her even more and becomes even more of a dancing monkey trying to entertain and appease her. 

He becomes even more of a beta and girlfriend to her than what he was before, hence the term, “build a better beta.” 

This is all assuming of course that you weren’t an abusive A-hole to begin with.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Generally when a woman isn’t having sex with her partner and then tells him that he’s hasn’t been nice enough to her or that he’s not doing enough around the house or hasn’t bought her anything lately etc etc - the result is often that he supplicates to her even more and becomes even more of a dancing monkey trying to entertain and appease her.
> 
> He becomes even more of a beta and girlfriend to her than what he was before, hence the term, “build a better beta.”
> 
> This is all assuming of course that you weren’t an abusive A-hole to begin with.


She claims I was mentally abusive. If I was, I did not mean to be. It wasn't my intention but I am a brutally honest person at times and I lack a filter. I walk to the beat of a different drum. I am a quiet my nature person until you piss me off, I have a very long fuse but once I snap, I let everything I let go boil to the surface and I am not nice about how I say things. I am just a live and let live kind of guy. But if someone wants to point their finger at me and and call out all my faults then they better be prepared to hear everything that is wrong about them because no one is perfect. 

Most of the time, you would never no I am mad till you push me to my point of no return. 

A beta, huh ? In all honesty shouldn't we all learn to be a better spouse I am willing to be a better person as I can see her changing as well. So by my changes, I am also making changes in her. She has become more loving and affectionate. She has been taking my hand and placing them on her tits while we cuddle. This is something she has never liked, because she has never liked her tits messed with. She then took my hand and placed it in her crouch. 

Yesterday at work, I got a huge surprise, she sent me tit pics. This is something she has never done and swore she would never do as she doesn't send nudes. 7 years and never a nude picture. 

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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> She claims I was mentally abusive. If I was, I did not mean to be. It wasn't my intention but I am a brutally honest person at times and I lack a filter. I walk to the beat of a different drum. I am a quiet my nature person until you piss me off, I have a very long fuse but once I snap, I let everything I let go boil to the surface and I am not nice about how I say things. I am just a live and let live kind of guy. But if someone wants to point their finger at me and and call out all my faults then they better be prepared to hear everything that is wrong about them because no one is perfect.
> 
> Most of the time, you would never no I am mad till you push me to my point of no return.
> 
> ...


There is a difference between being a better spouse and being a beta. You are right, we should do everything we can to be a better spouse. Being a beta means your wife is constantly dangling a carrot, but never let's you get it no matter how hard you try. You keep giving more and get little scraps in return, just enough to string you along. I mean, why would she give you the treasure when she can still squeeze more out of you? It sounds horrible and it is, but it seems to happen a lot and many guys don't even know it is happening.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> There is a difference between being a better spouse and being a beta. You are right, we should do everything we can to be a better spouse. Being a beta means your wife is constantly dangling a carrot, but never let's you get it no matter how hard you try. You keep giving more and get little scraps in return, just enough to string you along. I mean, why would she give you the treasure when she can still squeeze more out of you? It sounds horrible and it is, but it seems to happen a lot and many guys don't even know it is happening.


My sex therapist chuckled at this while she was getting dressed. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> maybe you should try it with her. Toys can be fun accessories with sex to help ensure both people achieve a satisfactory outcome.


Believe me, I am a sex freak and there is no chance she will be using it alone. 

Its been a rough week for Niki, work injury, pulled muscle in lower back and pinched nerve. 
I forced her to the doctor on Sunday. She was in tears and could barely walk. She was given a steroid shot that, followed up with a muscle relaxer and another high dose of steroids taken daily. 
She is doing better but I hope to see her back to her old self. I know what it is like to have a pinched nerve, I myself lived with it for over 10 years until mine healed. 

I have noticed that even though she is in pain, she has been very pleasant and loving to be around. Not like she was with the hurt knee. To put it plainly, we was in a rough patch before that and she turned into a total *****. 

I feel like we are getting back to the love we used to share with one and other. 



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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> I removed that power out of her hands. She has nothing to hold over my head and threaten me with now.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


But apparently your too afraid to call her even from an unknown location. Man up, or quit whining.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> But apparently your too afraid to call her even from an unknown location. Man up, or quit whining.


I am sorry, I am confused as to what you are talking about. Please enlighten me. 



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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> I am sorry, I am confused as to what you are talking about. Please enlighten me.


This is from your other thread called help with a phone number.
"
I wanted someone from another state to call the number: "My area code might put them on high alert. As of right now, she thinks I bought her story, but I am not convinced yet."

Nuff said?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> This is from your other thread called help with a phone number.
> "
> I wanted someone from another state to call the number: "My area code might put them on high alert. As of right now, she thinks I bought her story, but I am not convinced yet."
> 
> Nuff said?


He never thought it was her number. She was talking/texting the number. His concern was if it was a potential AP that he would get spooked by the number he was calling from. 

It turned out to be nothing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> My sex therapist chuckled at this while she was getting dressed.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


So is that a euphemism for a prostitute, girl friend, hand, wife or an actual sex therapist?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you're wasting your time trying to fix this. If you have literally been these children's only active father then you can probably get partial custody of them and maintain visiting rights if you divorce. Meanwhile you could get in a different relationship. I mean it's certainly understandable to be standoffish with sex when you have three children and especially one newborn, but she has actually vocalized that she gets nothing out of sex and isn't interested in it and that you're smothering her. 

So what that tells me is she is better off single. Again you can probably get at least some visitation rights to the children. I sure wouldn't be having any more children with her. The smothering part is really a bigger factor to me than that she only has sex once a week.. she feels smothered and she probably just should not be coupled up. 

I don't blame her for wanting to get off by herself for a few days though because it sounds like all she's done in recent years is kids kids kids. She didn't make a very good decision having kids if she's that easily smothered. 

I don't see how you can resolve this. She's already been brutally honest. It would be hard to get past that. Sorry for your situation. You should just get an attorney.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

@boonez40 there's a similarity between your threads and other threads that turned out to be fictitious, so I'll wish you the best, and I'm tapping out.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So is that a euphemism for a prostitute, girl friend, hand, wife or an actual sex therapist?


No, that was a joke in response to ignorance by another poster 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> @boonez40 there's a similarity between your threads and other threads that turned out to be fictitious, so I'll wish you the best, and I'm tapping out.


Well thank you, I am glad you found the exit door to my post. I could care less if you think it is fictitious. I am sorry that others have put you into that thought process. 

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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

I flat out asked her about the phone calls to Or this morning. 

The guy she was talking to is a guide and he put our names into a lottery that they do each year. Apparently they give away 30 Elk tags each year in a lottery and he charges 500.00 to guide you on a hunt. 

So we had to have another conversation on the importance of research guides because a crooked guide can get in deep **** with the feds in a heart beat 

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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

boonez40 said:


> I flat out asked her about the phone calls to Or this morning.
> 
> The guy she was talking to is a guide and he put our names into a lottery that they do each year. Apparently they give away 30 Elk tags each year in a lottery and he charges 500.00 to guide you on a hunt.
> 
> ...


So are you implying you know he’s a bad guide. Or you just wanted to make sure that when she tries to do a nice surprise for you that even though you didn’t win a tag she needs some kind of lesson?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So are you implying you know he’s a bad guide. Or you just wanted to make sure that when she tries to do a nice surprise for you that even though you didn’t win a tag she needs some kind of lesson?


No, I am implying that most of the people posting responses have not a clue of what they are talking about. 

I just wonder how many divorces some of the clowns of caused that the marriage could have been saved. 

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