# Feeling lonely, not getting what I need



## 4ofus (Jan 29, 2009)

Oh where to start... I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man, for about 3 1/2 yrs. We have been married a little over 1. He has 2 kids from previous marriage. I have on and off for the last 2 yrs had issues with getting affection/attention. I have told him numerous times what I need...in person, via email, text. Sometimes it gets a little better, other times it stays the same. I am so tired of feeling like we just live in the same house together! 

We actually did take a trip this weekend together..long overdue. And it was really great. He held my hand, acted like he really wanted to be around me. But back at the same old stuff come Monday. I am an attractive person(not trying to be conceited, I am just sure of myself), and have always enjoyed attention from people, and really, would not want attention from anyone but my husband...but I don't get it. I guess some examples of what happens and what does not happen would help.

1. If I try and kiss or hug him if I pass him in the kitchen, he huffs like I am in his way or its silly and he doesnt have time for that nonsense.
2. I hug him and kiss him when I walk by him when he is on the computer...he acts like I am not there.
3. Never sits by me or lays on the couch with me when we watch TV/movie.

those are just a few. He is really grumpy in the mornings, so I generaly steer clear although I am very much a morning person. Last month though, I started to notice that when the kids were there, he was nice and spoke to them, even joked with them(they are young, K and 3rd grade). I was kind of upset about this considering I can't even get him to answer simple questions without being hateful in the mornings. I did mention it to him, but haven't really gotten a chance to see if it changes.

I am just at a point that I need more. I can't keep asking and never getting anywhere. It has left me thinking thoughts that I never imagined that I would...like how it would feel to get attention again from others...I am not the type to stray, but I feel as though even my thoughts are wrong, but I have needs!


I miss feeling wanted, sexy, loved...I am so lost as to what to do with this! I feel like I am actually picking fights with him just to see that he can show emotion...and he doesn't like to argue!

I told him when we first started dating..."I am not a high maintenance materialistically, but I am high maintenance emotionally, I need attention and affection" and repeated this to him at certain points in the relationship...

Sorry..guess I should ask... what do I do?? what do I say to get through to him?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

What reasons does he give for the lack of affection?
What about sex?


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## 4ofus (Jan 29, 2009)

He has always said that he is just not an affectionate person...that just isn't how he is. 

The sex is good, not as often as he would like, but at least 2 times a week. Honestly, the reason it isnt more is because of these other issues..how can I want to have sex with someone who doesn't even make me feel wanted?
Its always initiated by him asking for a bj, or just laying on the bed waiting for me to do something.(consequently, if I get irritated with this, which I do often, I do nothing and we go to sleep)


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## sunny123 (Jan 26, 2009)

u said "u "have on and off for the last 2 yrs had issues with getting affection/attention." that means at times u r getting the attention u want....

if u hav already tried talking to him abt the issue thn acc to me u have two options which u can try:
1. u start spending more n more time with him---u say he is OK in front of the kids----why dnt u plan something along with the kids on weekends--in which he will also there---some games or biking or picnic or camping etc etc...
2. stop giving him that much attention--as in ---if he is walking arnd stop hugging him or kissing----let him miss ur kisses or affection/attention this time...thn see hw he reacts to it--u try ignoring him as he is doing...


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## 4ofus (Jan 29, 2009)

Thanks for the response Sunny. I do get some attention at times, but its when I ask for it..I initiate it. Its more like I get it when he doesnt shun me.

I wish that option 1 would work, but we already do a great deal as a family and it hasn't changed a thing. We spend most weekends doing things together. Although not things that would require him to focus on me at all. I will see what I can come up with on this..

#2 seems inevitable. I can't keep giving without receiving. I will see how that goes...maybe he will miss it... maybe he will be glad I have left him alone??


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is interesting. He wants more sex, and you want more affection, cuddles and intimacy in ways other than sexual...

People can only negotiate if they have something the other person wants. You have sex, he has cuddles. You can trade. Men usually understand deals. They have been known to pay for sex...

What about saying point blank: "I'll trade you extra sex for romance and cuddles"?

You may not realise it, but he simply does not get it!

You see, if I were talking to him, and he was complaining about lack of sex, my approach would be different. I would get him to read the stuff I have written about romance (see link in my signature), and tell him to start doing it. With women, it is not necessary to negotiate. Simply supplying what was lacking increases the supply of sex, unless there are other problems.


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## 4ofus (Jan 29, 2009)

you know.. I always like hearing a man's perspective ... it's enlightening. I like the approach you suggest. And I don't beleive that I will waste much time trying it. Tonight!

If there are other problems, than I cannot pinpoint them at this time.. so I will try this approach, see where it leads me and go from there!  thanks!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

4ofus said:


> And I don't beleive that I will waste much time trying it. Tonight!


Believe it or not, it may not take the first time as he may not hear you or be expecting it. It's like in the movies where someone gets called into the manager's office and he thinks he's going to be fired so he starts making excuses... eventually when he shuts up and the manager is able to speak, he finds out the reason he has been called in is to be offered a promotion with more money!

So unless you are really clear, it might take a few attempts. but believe me, he will want to deal - just don't let him see the small-print


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