# A journal (of sorts?)



## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I came here a couple weeks ago during when I first decided to separate from my H and started a few threads....someone suggested one major thread instead. So....

I'm officially moved out, with my son, in my own apartment. The move went well without confrontation or much communication at all from H. He was "helpful" on the day of the move and was very quiet. We agreed he could have our son overnight the following night due to sports practice and my counselor appointment being on the same evening. So far, so good. Then he could go again on the weekend after his weekend game to spend time with his neighborhood friends. Again, fine.

Well, after H dropped him off on Sunday (yesterday), my son had some major news. He let it out that H bought a _brand new car_ in the one week since I had moved out. A.) I'm furious that my son said, "Daddy said I could tell you, but just not until he left!" and B.) I'm even more furious that this large financial decision was made without me considering we are still legally married and have a joint bank account. (Have I mentioned we're both teachers and not exactly millionaires?) 

This separation was supposed to be in hopes of saving our marriage, not driving a nail into the coffin. I'm beyond hurt and confused. I have no idea who this person is anymore. It's like the typical mid-life crisis you see on TV or in the movies. I don't get it. I feel like he is trashing my life and dreams just for his own happiness. Who is he? This is not who I married. This is coming out of nowhere.

My counselor, who worked with both of us for a while, was dumbfounded by his immaturity. Well, not _that_ much, considering she has been observing his actions in the last 6 months and not the last 15 years as I have. 

I don't know if I can forgive this. For my son's sake, I'd like to say that I can. If it were just me, I'd probably walk away....but for my child? I don't know. I have a feeling there will be no apologies, no forgiveness asked, no responsibility taken, nothing....in that case, do I have a choice? I can't believe I'm in this situation. I feel so sick and betrayed.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

We worked together for almost 15 years with h, raised 2 companies from 0. D is not here yet, but in the meantime he has been fixing an old car (he actually bought 2) and is spending a lot of money on leaving one as an original one. But on the other hand I am getting what I ask for as for traveling which I like and he doesnt or extra money. 

Perhaps if you talk to him about this without anger and ask if you can use some money for something you would like to do or buy you will get to feel better? He may have not done it to damage you. He may be feeling "free" as living this midlife crisis makes them do. H returned to university too to finish his degree, he also has bought a couple of nice guitars. 

I'd say, if you are not comfortable with this, separate your accounts and as soon as he gives you the money you need as agreed with him per your needs, he can do whatever he wants with the rest of his money, as you can too.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

Is he still seeing your counselor, or is it just you now? She may be able to ask him what on earth he was thinking. I'm also wondering if a friend or someone told him to get his car now, before your finances are separated, because he won't be able to get it later. You may be on to something about the mid-life crisis idea, especially if he feels badly about himself and wants a nice car to make him feel better and even look better somehow to others. ?? I'm sorry this is happening to you. Starting your separation like this was a really poor decision on his part. Hang in there ~ and HUGS!


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I was the one who suggested you chart your progress on one thread. My 2 cents (I'm by no means an expert) just what I've learned on my own journey.

1. Staying for the sake of your kids is the wrong one...i did it, but my D22 told me after all this came out that she could see we were struggling to stay together.

2. Continue to work on yourself....IC, exercise, quality time with your son. Perhaphs when he sees your indifference it may make him realize what he's given up.

3. Seperate your bank accounts. Even though a reconciliation is your goal, you never truly learn how nasty a person can get until a separation/divorce starts.

I can say that during my journey, I have realized how long I was starving for something better but had too much pride to walk away. The harder I tried to make her love me, the farther she got from me. I'm much happier now. 

Good luck.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who wanted the separation?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

Sorry it took so long to get back. Been trying to cool off and just get through this work week. 

I've basically done nothing this week but go about my own business. I've only communicated the necessary stuff about our son. I haven't made a decision yet about splitting up our bank accounts, though I realize that is good advice. I guess I'm not sure what all that would affect....it's overwhelming to think about. 

As for who wanted the separation, that's hard to say. Late last year, he told me during a counseling session that he wanted to separate in order to step away and "solve" our problems. I completely freaked out and broke down.....by the end of the appointment we agreed that he'd stay in the house to work on things and continue with the counselor. Since then, things have been up and down. Good times were bizarrely normal and bad times were us completely ignoring each other. It was always over the smallest, dumbest things, but he refused to talk things out. Ever. When we went to counseling, it was always my fault and he'd never take responsibility for anything that I would be upset over. 

After one of our last arguments, he said "I'm not going to change." A day later he accused me of picking a fight when I truly wasn't (even my son told H to back off) and instead of being able to simply step back and apologize, he'd rather dig in and stand his ground and hurt me even more. (Let me be clear....this was not a physical fight in any way.) All of that pretty much made up my mind. 

So this time, I guess it was my decision to separate.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

So what's the next step if reconciliation is my goal? 

Honestly, I don't know if it's his goal at this point....I haven't had the guts to ask him. When all of this first happened, he seemed to have a quiet sadness about him....at least that's how I was interpreting it. I thought for sure that was a sign that he wanted this to work out. 

Then, he went and bought that stupid car and our resulting conversation was the complete opposite feeling. He acted like a complete idiot. Like he's had his taste of freedom and he's never going back. 

We haven't talked (except about our son) since that phone conversation. I don't know where to go from here. I'm still so angry over that car. It's going to be a huge obstacle to add into this equation. I almost feel like he did it on purpose...knowing that this was his perfect moment to get what he wanted because I'd do anything to get our family back; even let him keep his impulse purchase. 

So obviously, I need some time, but what is usually the next step?


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I guess I should start by stating that since I last posted on this particular thread, H has said that it's over. So reconciliation isn't in the future.

I wanted to come back to this though because today and the week ahead is a rough one in particular and I just feel the need for extra support and words of encouragement.

Today was the first Father's Day that we haven't been together as a family. I know that seems like an obvious trigger to a lot of separated moms or dads, but I should add that my son was born on Father's Day as well. His birthday doesn't happen to actually fall on Father's Day this year, but it will be forever associated it. He spent today with H and we will split his actual bday in a few days. 

I am planning on attending a divorce support group meeting this week. I am extremely shy and introverted....I _hate_ these types of things. But I desperately need to go. 

Other than that, I have decided to take control of everything and just tell H what I want. I want him to put utilities in his name, I want a schedule of XYZ with our son, I want him to contribute money to our son's care, etc. All he says back is "yes". I hate that type of one-word communication. (Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's not arguing.)

As a teacher, I'm off for the summer now and I have too much time on my hands....it's difficult to stay positive.


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## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi,
I have found that all the holidays are difficult. This one seems particularly hard for you because you associate it with your son's birth, so it has special meaning to you.

For me, my STBX invited his girlfriend to spend Father's day with our sons- which just ticks me off.
I am a teacher too, although my school year hasn't ended yet. Try to plan some fun things for you and your son, as well as some fun things for just you this summer. Keeping busy is one of the only things that has helped me through this.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I went to a support group last night. It was extremely awkward and difficult for me, but they were welcoming and supportive. I nearly had a panic attack when I thought the leader worked with my H, but I was mistaken. 

I am hoping to go again next week but I will have to see if my friend would be able to watch my son. 

Other than that, I was thrilled to get a text from my son (which he doesn't normally initiate....too busy playing and having fun) and some missed FaceTime calls while I was at the meeting. I don't know if H suggested it or if he did it on his own but it doesn't matter.....it just felt good. I am hating these days away from him.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

Even though we started a schedule and this is H's week with our son, I am seeing him today for his bday! I had a day planned at a local park, but the weather is unusually cool for this time of year?! I'm not sure if we should brave it....I have a feeling the water will be freezing!!

Anyway, here's something I need some advice on. Since this is H's week with our son, I was trying to be respectful and asked what time he'd like me to return him. (Ugh, I _hate_ that custody makes kids sound like borrowed or shared property.) I know I would like the same when I have him and something special might come up. Anyway, he emailed back (we are communicating only through email right now) and he said, "would you like to spend Friday with him?" and when I said I would love to spend any day with him, he said, "how about you spend all of Friday and I can come pick him up Saturday after breakfast." (He has a party planned for him on Saturday.)

So....am I being too accommodating to him? I would jump at any chance right now to have my son with me but it's his week. I know for a fact he has plans on Friday and I already asked him if he needed me to pick my son up and he originally said no. (His parents could easily have watched him.) Or is he feeling bad and remorseful and giving me "freebies"? 

A small part of me wants to say, your week, your problem......of course, the most of me wants my son here at any time I can get him.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

ARRRGGHHH! H is delusion. He truly thinks he can afford to keep the house and make payments. Ummmm, he just bought a brand new car and the payments are between $600-700 alone. Add in the mortgage and taxes and that would put him at 2/3 of his monthly salary gone. Then insurance, utilities, gas, groceries, possible (inevitable?) child support? Huh??

I am seriously beginning to think he is reverting to a child-like state. I may be the one emotionally torn up by the separation, but he may have some actual mental illness kicking in at this point....

How do I get through to him? I've already appealed to his brother to talk some sense into him. Hasn't worked. So basically, leave him alone until he goes into debt and leaves me to support our son with no financial help? I'm trying to get the house and all of that into his name way before any of this happens, obviously. I don't want any of that to come back to haunt me.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I have finished getting my bills in order.....car insurance in my name, etc. My paycheck for the month was deposited into my account, so he is not accessing "my" money and vice versa.

My main issue is the house and the one credit card we had. Since he insists that he can keep the house, fine. Be my guest. But I want my name off those records. So I told him that he'll probably need to refinance. Obviously, that is not an automatic process (we refinanced just recently so I know what a pain it can be) so I emailed him to tell him he needed to start researching that so it wouldn't interfere with school starting again in August. (He knows the start of school is a very stressful time.)

I also reminded him that I have not received any confirmation that he switched utilities over to his name only. I have no idea whether he's done that or not. He has not communicated anything.

This was several days ago and he has yet to return my email. I feel like he wanted to make this big adult decision to leave his family for his freedom, but he doesn't want to act like an adult and follow through. Meanwhile, I'm on the phone with insurance companies, phone companies, whatever else.....trying to get life sorted out for my son and me. 

Besides all this, we have one credit card that we used to pay for everything and then we paid off at the end of the month. (It was one that earned cash back.) He is continuing to use it but does not exactly have the same type of funds to pay it off now. 

Is filing for divorce the ONLY way to legally get my name off of this credit card (if he refuses to close it) and the process started on the house? I refuse to have my credit ruined over his stupid decisions.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I am sorry you are going through this. If I was you yes I would file for a divorce and get legal help.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

It is amazing how I'm going through something similar. I too am a teacher and have too much time on my hands. Separated from my husband three months ago and I feel abandoned and lost.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

vn1955 said:


> It is amazing how I'm going through something similar. I too am a teacher and have too much time on my hands. Separated from my husband three months ago and I feel abandoned and lost.


I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. It's very difficult having free time when you're miserable and lonely.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

After much consideration, I'm at the point where I need to file. My H finally got wise to the fact that I was monitoring our existing joint finances closely and that maybe he should open his own accounts. So he did and that scares me even more. Even if they're in his name, it is still community debt from what I understand. That is, as long as we're still married. 

I'm worried enough about paying my own bills on my own paycheck. I can't handle worrying about whether or not he's going to spend responsibly while we're separated. So my only choice? File and make it official since things are obviously not going to be repaired at this point. 

I'm scared to death about the lawyer fees. And no, I don't think I'll be able to get away with not having one. 

I'm also scared to death about what my son will think of me. I'm worried that he will blame me. I know that you're "supposed" to say that _we_ decided this was best but I'm tired of my H not having to take any responsibility. I fought and worked my butt off for this family to be together.....he's the one who gave up. I may have moved out and I may be starting the paperwork, but emotionally, he walked away and ended all of this. 

No, I don't want my son to hate his father. Of course not. But I also feel like my H is waiting for me to make this move so that once again, I look like the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. Otherwise, why hasn't he filed by now?


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I made the phone call to the lawyer. I am so angry that my life has come to this. (Is it petty to say that I'm really, really angry about the retainer fee too??)

Does this feeling of embarrassment and shame ever go away? I'm dreading the questions from coworkers in the fall.....and I still haven't told my family. I have NO idea how to tell them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

WantingToFly said:


> *Does this feeling of embarrassment and shame ever go away?* I'm dreading the questions from coworkers in the fall.....and I still haven't told my family. I have NO idea how to tell them.


Why in the world should YOU feel dread and shame... your husband is the one who is basically going off the deep-end, not YOU. You have done everything you can to try to salvage your marriage, but your husband told you he wants out, it's over.

Explain to them exactly what you told us... he is regressing to child-like behavior, being financially irresponsible, and is likely in a mid-life crisis or even worse, mentally ill.

You should tell your family now so they will be there to support you. Stewing alone at home all summer long, keeping it bottled up, is not going to help you move forward.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Why in the world should YOU feel dread and shame... your husband is the one who is basically going off the deep-end, not YOU. You have done everything you can to try to salvage your marriage, but your husband told you he wants out, it's over.
> 
> Explain to them exactly what you told us... he is regressing to child-like behavior, being financially irresponsible, and is likely in a mid-life crisis or even worse, mentally ill.
> 
> You should tell your family now so they will be there to support you. Stewing alone at home all summer long, keeping it bottled up, is not going to help you move forward.


Because no matter what, I will always feel like I should have done more and that I caused this in some way, like he wants me to believe. I waited too long to get counseling help for myself. I am not the most positive person. I have low self-esteem and no confidence to believe that this truly isn't all my fault. Yes, I can see where he's screwing up but I will forever beat myself up for my part too.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I filed and H was served. Of course, he has not said a word to me about it. Which, is maybe the proper thing to do? I don't know. I'm at the house currently (with his permission) to pack some things because he's out of town. He took down our framed wedding invitation and a few other special mementos and I'm just devastated. Not surprised, really, but just devastated. I keep thinking I'll wake up from this nightmare or he'll come to his senses or.....well, we know how that goes. None of it has a good chance of happening. 

I want my old life back so badly. I want to go back in time and make things right. I would give anything to have my family back. I want out of this awful nightmare.


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