# Help me understand why



## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

HI, my wife and I are in our early 30s, three kids under 6, been married for 8 years. Our marriage is good in all areas except one, sex. We never fight, except about sex, we agree on everything, except about sex, were both understanding of each other, except about sex. I have the higher sex drive, need variety to be satisfied, think about it all the time, she is willing to have sex with me every few days, but its sex by her definition. When we get to the event all I hear is no, no, no, no, no, and NO! Never anything positive. The "no" is to forplay moves. When oral, and kink of any kind is not an option, I just don't know what to do. She lays there, making herself available, but says no to 99% of my ideas. 

So here is my request, would you ladies explain to me why a woman would refuse most everything except missionary vanilla? Absolutly no oral or kink. Our issue is mainly about oral, she does not see it as wrong or dirty, and cannot explain to me why she will not allow it. 

Men, can you relate? How has this issue worked out in your marriage? Is there any hope, solutions?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

her giving, receiving or both? (oral)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seems she does not like to do the things she refuses.

Have you talked to her about it and asked her directly? Tell her how it makes you feel.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Was it always this way?

In other words, did you marry her knowing it was always missionary vanilla, or was she more adventurous in the beginning?


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

She will allow me to give her oral a couple times a year, but has never given it to me. When I try to talk to her about sex she gets a negative look on her face, looks the other way, and clams up. We both were virgins when we married, please don't give me that "should have tried before you buy" talk. When I ask her about her needs, not just sex needs but romantic needs, what she likes, her reply is always the same, "I don't know". I don't belive her. Is it unreasonable to ask someone to do something once in awhile that they don't like? 

If your your a vanilla person please share your perspective with me.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There are just all kinds of women (like men) with different personalities. Some are adventurous and horny, some are not.

Every woman I've been with (not too many) has been very different and likes different things. You got one that's just not that horny. 
That's the luck of the draw. You roll the dice and hope you come up with two six's. But then you get a one and a three.

Does she find you attractive? she married you; you would think she likes you. What's her background? Strict religious?
At least she doesn't deny you sex. Lots of guys here are in THAT boat. I was there too not so long ago.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Here's my experience. I've been a vanilla girl in two relationships. And moderately adventurous in the rest. 

In the "vanilla" relationships: 

I've always valued in having a lover who is my best friend. And I've had that happen twice. And both of those times- it was someone I wasn't attracted to initially- and then became attracted to through great friendship. I grew to love them and after the breakup- I am still friends with them to this day. I was very uninterested in sex with them. I did almost everything your wife did minus the refusing of oral. and yes- I was always faithful. 

And in between those relationships. I had serious ones where I was extremely attracted to my partner and was moderately open to things and looked forward to having sex UNTIL the one year line- and then it would be once a week and I would still really enjoy it and give and receive oral. 

That is MY experience only. And not in any way meant to imply anything about yours. 

But I do have to ask the hard question- do you think she finds you physically attractive? 

Also- do you feel that she is agreeable with you on everything else bc she feels that she has to be- bc of all the no's she gives in bed. It seems like to me- she "knows" that as your wife- she has certain "conjugal duties" - to which she- in her love for you- does to a minimum- and tries to make up for in everywhere else- by being agreeable?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, I've said it over and over on these boards until I think I sound like a broken record. I'm sure some are tired of me harping on this... 

I think that *chemistry* plays a HUGE role in a successful sex life. My first go-round at the rodeo, I married a man with the right "checklist" (good provider, same religion, similar values, will be a good parent, good sense of humor, well-educated, etc.) Nothing wrong with that at all. BUT... he and I both neglected the chemistry part. Our marriage fizzled quickly to boring, vanilla duty sex (and ultimately, no sex at all.)

My second go-round at the rodeo, in addition to the "checklist", I made d*mn sure I was WILDLY attracted to my partner. Four years later and the sex just gets better and better.

I firmly believe that without that wild attraction, you are less likely to want to explore, try new things, take your intimacy to a deeper level. Quite frankly, we try new things all the time because we CANNOT get close enough... Intimacy has a certain "mystery" about it, an intangible, something that makes you want to connect deeply. Marriage and relationships should be much more than just going through the daily grind.

So ask yourself... are you and your wife WILDLY attracted to each other in addition to all of the other good qualities? Or did you both marry the "checklist"?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It's not unusual for women not to want to give oral sex but I will never understand why she doesn't want to receive it often. How kinky are we talking? I'm up for oral giving and receiving and different positions, even toys and dressing up. No anal We enjoy a lot of foreplay. It sounds like she want to quickly finish and is happy to let you do all of the work while you would like more foreplay and more involvement from her.

Odds are it's going to be hard to get her to change. You have been trying for years and nothing has changed. On the plus side you are having sex more often than most couples. She is trying to please you in the frequency. It sounds like you want more variety and more quality.


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

Thanks for the posts, and be blunt, Im not afraid to hear truth. 

IcePrincess28, what was the difference in your relationships that made you moderately adventurous in some and vanilla in others? Im not sure how she views my physical attractiveness, how would a husband ever truly know? Im very fit, I just don't know. My wife and I are naturally agreeable, except for this one area. 


She and I both are religious, and I understand how that may play a role, with most all things she has not even tried to see if she likes it, what ever "it" may be. I have thought about erotic books and movies, but with her religious background Im not sure how to cross that bridge. I think she wants to watch that kind of stuff, but feels it is wrong, even though she knows its not. Anyone got a suggestion for a movie or book? Something on the softer side? Start off low key.

The whole chemistry idea, that might be a part of it, we were madly in love at the beginning, now the feelings have mostly worn off, I just figured that it was because of the maturing of the relationship and 3 kids under 6 years. I just might approach it from this angle, somehow. 

Thanks for the help everyone


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm going to recommend two books for you. Read them both. Try and get your wife to read them as well.

_His Needs, Her Needs _by Willard Harley
_Sheet Music _by Kevin Leman


ETA: Both are Christian authors and present a Christian perspective, Dr. Leman more overtly than Dr. Harley.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Bunch of factors here.

#1 You have 3 kids under 6.

#2 Religion. Not that it's a bad thing. But you said you think she wants to watch dirty movies, she feels it's wrong, but knows it's ok?

(If she feels it's wrong to watch dirty movies, then she probably believes it's wrong too. I don't know what religion you are, but not many say it's ok to watch other people have sex. So, that may be her hang up about that.)

(Religion also sometimes gives hang ups on "kink" in sex. There are many things that are deemed wrong - Oral sex and anal for example. Are you sure religion isn't holding her back in that way?)

#3 Virgins when married. It's not a bad thing, but it's an inexperienced thing. She probably has no idea how important sex is to you. She has never had to keep up with sex in a long term relationship before you. 



What are you trying to get her to do? Are you just looking for new positions? Are you looking to add toys? Are you looking to tie her up? Do you want her to wear lingerie? I mean what does "Kink" mean to you?


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

People change so don't give up hope. For our first 26 years of marriage, I would give oral occasionally and would never let him give me oral. Then about 5 months ago, out of no where, it was all I could think about!! To top it off I couldn't say it out loud to my husband, I don't know why, I just couldn't. I came to TAM and at the suggestions of members here I had him read my thread. Now it seem that most of our encounters involve some sort of oral on him, I or both.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Mr. Fix it said:


> IcePrincess28, what was the difference in your relationships that made you moderately adventurous in some and vanilla in others? Im not sure how she views my physical attractiveness, how would a husband ever truly know? Im very fit, I just don't know. My wife and I are naturally agreeable, except for this one area.



Glad and happy to help  

For my vanilla moments: I was with a man (two in separate phrases) who I was attracted to in all aspects besides physically. And for both relationships- the lack of physical attraction on my end- was not the primary reason for our demise. I even avoided drinking more than a couple drinks- so that I could avoid being drunk around him- so that he wouldn't think- hey she's loosened up. Maybe I can test the waters a little more. 

My two exes would not believe the moderate sexual lady I am and was in my other serious relationships. Physical attraction may not be your problem from the sounds of it. 

As I stated in my prior post- around the one year mark- I slow down. Currently I'm seeing a cop. And sometimes when I'm lacking in libido- seeing him in a uniform makes me go into jump on him mode- it's wonderful- that fun infatuated feeling from the first moments of the "early days". 

Another setting that gets me going is being next to him at the pool. And funny but true- nothing gets me going more than- when we got into an argument for which I'm in the wrong- and he needs time to cool. Seeing a brooding silent man- who is probably not going to want to have sex- also turns me on. Haha. 

Sorry for sharing all that- I realized none of that is going to be very helpful for you unless you rent a costume, go to the pool everytime you want to initiate creative sex- or pick a fight with your wife and ignore her for 36 hours. 

I was raised catholic. I went to a secular college prep high school- but went to a very very very conservative catholic middle school. Your wife could have legitimately been conditioned to view sex as a not fun but dutiful obligation. 

My mother is not religious. She was not attracted to my father at all. They had sex about once every 5 years. Not exaggerating. Ever since I was a little girl- she would be embarrassed and turn her head if someone was kissing in a movie on tv. No talks about the birds and bees. 

She tried as much as possible repressing my normal levels of sexuality when I was a teenager by not allowing me to wear my hair down, wear form fitting clothes, nor makeup. I was not allowed to talk to boys. My father (they're still together) took over her rigid rules after I was 17 and told her to let me grow that way a teenage girl was supposed to grow. Thank goodness for that. 

What I mean by all this is- what happened to my mother when she was a child that conditioned her to be this way? And she conditioned me as well- bc in the case of my two vanillas - I was a very "rigid" person. 

Are your wife's parents "rigid" to a certain extent? How would you describe your in laws marriage in terms of affection. 

How are you and her in the affection dept? If I had to guess- she is less inclined to be affectionate bc she's afraid a hug will lead to sex right? Well at least- that's what I did in my vanilla moments. 

Have you thought about having a romantic one night getaway to a beautiful hotel- in which before hand- you tell her you do not want sex- and mean it- and that this night is just about her and you having a good night. So no pressure on her. That gesture will really really mean a lot to her. And when you guys get home. She might be more willing to try something new bc you considered her feelings so much. 

Does your wife drink? If so- maybe a 1-2 small drinks- to give her a light buzz and see if she is willing to be a little more open? I'm not saying get her drunk. But sometimes with a light buzz- some women feel less "judged" to be more uninhibited- bc they can "blame" the alcohol later. This method was used/abused in the extreme- way back- when ecstasy was prescribed by marriage counselors for couples seeking improvement in the intimacy dept. 

Hope this helped!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You have a high amount of testosterone that enables you to over ride the prudery necessary to remain a virgin...in today's culture. You wife does not. The message of tamping down on her sexuality, the message of modesty, and the message of keeping her body pure is not a message easily dismissed. Marriage isn't enough to dismiss it, neither is chemistry.

What your wife needs to do is take a good honest evaluation of exactly how she feels about sex. My bet is that even being married she still feels sex is shameful, which would be why she isn't willing to explore sexual positions, oral sex, or prolonged foreplay.

It is her attitude and understanding of her own sexuality that needs to change. You can help her by opening those conversations frequently. If you can get her to examine how the virginity messages she was raised with have affected her ability to embrace her sexual self, you will have succeeded in laying the ground work for a sexually healthy marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Does your wife orgasm? It seems that the men on this board are under the impression their wives have all kinds of orgasms but often that isn't the case, and nobody looks forward to what they get nothing out of. Sorry if this seems harsh but if you were a virgin at marriage you probably knew little to nothing about pleasing women (if you're like a lot of men what you did know you got from porn..which is not about womens pleasure) and she knew little to nothing about what she wanted. Recipe for disaster. So it's possible that from her perspective she puts out a few times a week, gets nothing out of it, and then you're pushing for more things that are about you. Remember i'm speculating on her perspective here.

Not to say you're wrong to want to try things, but in balance sex has to be mutually pleasurable or someone is going to be p!ssed off. Have you guys considered a sex therapist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I'm going to recommend two books for you. Read them both. Try and get your wife to read them as well.
> 
> _His Needs, Her Needs _by Willard Harley
> _Sheet Music _by Kevin Leman


I agree. You wife sounds like the perfect candidate to read Sheet Music. Especially the chapter about how we bring our parents & baggage into bed.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Mr. Fix it said:


> Thanks for the posts, and be blunt, Im not afraid to hear truth.
> 
> IcePrincess28, what was the difference in your relationships that made you moderately adventurous in some and vanilla in others? Im not sure how she views my physical attractiveness, how would a husband ever truly know? Im very fit, I just don't know. My wife and I are naturally agreeable, except for this one area.
> 
> ...


A couple of places for you (and possibly her) to visit that is geared toward the religious couple. I have read quite a bit at these sites and there could be some good information for someone in your position.

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I'm going to recommend two books for you. Read them both. Try and get your wife to read them as well.
> 
> _His Needs, Her Needs _by Willard Harley
> _Sheet Music _by Kevin Leman
> ...


I just ordered His Needs, Her Needs- thanks for the great suggestion! Another great find on TAM. 

Thanks Rowan


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I used to be the same as the OP' wife. I was like a dead fish.I was quite content with pushing him to hurry up and get it over with. 

The kids is a huge factor. After having little children hang on me ll day, running around, and no time to myself, I simply wanted no sex. I saw my H ans child #4. Another person who came home wanting food and affection. At that point and by the end of the night when I finally got a break, if another person wanted to touch me I was SO done. 

Much like your wife I had not had multitudes of sex partners, and was raised in a very conservative family where the birds and the bees were NEVER EVER mentioned. So I really had no idea how to be more then a dead fish. My H and I watched some female friendly soft porn. I was floored. These people were not doing what I was doing. I felt guilty for watching this at first, but after talking to a friend who was religious as well. We agreed that watching people who love each other (or appear to, it is porn ya know) do what people who love each other do when they have sex, there was nothing ungodly about that. Maybe watching wild crazy, sex with strangers, or in a naughtier setting would be wrong though. Plus it was in the name of education. I learned the most amazing things. That females touch there selves during sex, yikes. And that there is more then missionary and it doesn't look to difficult, and OMG she touches his stuff. It wasn't horrible to look at, it did appear it was between folks who loved each other. That really helped us turn a corner. It was something we only explored together. It was something that was watched very little. 

It took time of self discovery and learning what I really wanted. I read lots of romance novels.They sparked my interest, and gavel me confidence to go after what I wanted. I went from a dead fish to the proud owner of toys. I never ever want to go back to those dead fish days and toy less days. 

Who ever it was that mentioned going away for a weekend and having it involve no sex what so ever is on to something. If your wife knows you love her for who she is, that you can take interest in her, she may be a little freer in the bedroom. But you must really try to like what she likes. Don't go somewhere and piss and moan. Or sigh and ask how much longer, or say this is so stupid. If you can like what she likes then you can like her, and if you can like her, just maybe you can have likable sex with her. 

Good luck.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Mr. Fix it said:


> She will allow me to give her oral a couple times a year, but has never given it to me. When I try to talk to her about sex she gets a negative look on her face, looks the other way, and clams up. We both were virgins when we married, please don't give me that "should have tried before you buy" talk. When I ask her about her needs, not just sex needs but romantic needs, what she likes, her reply is always the same, "I don't know". I don't belive her. Is it unreasonable to ask someone to do something once in awhile that they don't like?
> 
> If your your a vanilla person please share your perspective with me.


Maybe she is shy? Seems like she thinks about it because you said her face expresses anxiousness.

I was worried before I ever did it. I was unsure of being adequate enough. Thought it was weird and didn't understand why I would put my mouth on it. I guess I could say I thought of it as gross in a way. 

Don't give up though! Maybe you could ask her just to kiss around that area and get a beginning feel of what its like to have that part around her mouth. Baby steps...

Also, Being a virgin together is a great bit of innocence you both share together. Her experience is only with you, so she may not really know how else to think sexually besides what you have both been doing together. 

Just introduce things slowly. She will either learn to attempt to do more or not. She wont like everything either, cant expect that.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> I used to be the same as the OP' wife. I was like a dead fish.I was quite content with pushing him to hurry up and get it over with.
> 
> The kids is a huge factor. After having little children hang on me ll day, running around, and no time to myself, I simply wanted no sex. I saw my H ans child #4. Another person who came home wanting food and affection. At that point and by the end of the night when I finally got a break, if another person wanted to touch me I was SO done.
> 
> ...



I wish I could like this a hundred times. I think the OPs situation is exactly this.

OP, your wife has never had the opportunity to discover and embrace her sexuality. She doesn't really know what she wants or likes sexually. Now you have young kids. That kills a lot of women's libidos. You have 3! Feeling sexy is probably the last thing on her mind. What she needs most is HER time. Help with the kids, treat her to a spa, flirt with her and touch her. Create sexual tension but don't let it lead to sex. I know it sounds strange. But this way she will feel you are physically attracted to her but don't just want sex. This will allow her to feel more sexy. This is a waiting game as well. I am sure you have very beautiful kids and congratulations on being a father. But I think couples that come from very conservative backgrounds (or maybe anybody..) should take a lot of time to just enjoy physical intimacy with each before having kids.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> I wish I could like this a hundred times. I think the OPs situation is exactly this.
> 
> OP, your wife has never had the opportunity to discover and embrace her sexuality. She doesn't really know what she wants or likes sexually. Now you have young kids. That kills a lot of women's libidos. You have 3! Feeling sexy is probably the last thing on her mind. What she needs most is HER time. Help with the kids, treat her to a spa, flirt with her and touch her. Create sexual tension but don't let it lead to sex. I know it sounds strange. But this way she will feel you are physically attracted to her but don't just want sex. This will allow her to feel more sexy. This is a waiting game as well. I am sure you have very beautiful kids and congratulations on being a father. But I think couples that come from very conservative backgrounds (or maybe anybody..) should take a lot of time to just enjoy physical intimacy with each before having kids.


Falcon king, where the hell have you been? Welcome back.

And great post! I agree.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Fix it. If you would please share your wife's religious affiliation.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Since you say she's having sex with you every few days, it doesn't sound like she dislikes sex. Given that she comes from a religious background, she's probably suffering from what I call "good girl's syndrome". She's very shy, inhibited, and conservative due to conditioning she grew up with. But deep inside, she might really be into sex - she doesn't know how to unleash that part of her. She was brought up to be a good girl, and doing the things you want to do, in her mind, are not consistent with that - despite the fact that secretly she might wish she could. 

Also, if she grew up as a 'good girl' with a conservative upbringing, she might literally be rather clueless about how to spice it up, and that might be holding her back. She might be feeling shy, embarrassed, not sure what to do or how to do it, worried about making a fool of herself due to her inexperience, and those types of self-conscious concerns can be terrifying and make a shy woman feel anything BUT sexy, and so she just holds back, plays all prim and proper, and in the process is depriving both herself and you of a more fulfilling sex life. She may need to gently be exposed to ideas and to some how-to information for women. 

Again, I think the fact that she willingly has sex with you as often as she does is very promising. You certainly have much less of a problem than many of the people here whose spouses don't want to have sex with them at all. I think she may very well enjoy sex, and have a lot more in her that's trying to find the way to unleash itself - but that could be a very difficult struggle for her internally due to ' good girl' conditioning. 

I also think that the fact that she is giving you sex as often as she does bodes well for the case that she IS into you. If she weren't I think she'd probably be trying to avoid sex with you all together, or certainly be finding ways to have it a lot less frequently. 

You ask how to know if she's into you. Well, of course, people are all different in how they relate and express themselves. But does she regularly compliment you on your appearance? Tell you that you look good (hot, handsome, gorgeous...). Tell you she loves your arms, your hands.... Does she have a tendency to touch any part of you, say, even just while talking, or sitting together, or lying in bed? For instance, does she run her hands through your chest hair, run her hands over your chest, squeeze your butt? Kiss you for no reason. Throw her arms around your neck and get nice and close to you when just having a normal conversation... any of these types of things? If so, its probably safe to say she IS into you. If not, its not conclusive that she's not (some people just aren't expressive), but the jury remains out. 

Also, When making love, does she seem to get a little crazy for you? I know its vanilla sex, but even so, if she's into you, you can usually tell, for instance, in the way she kisses you (Blah kisses vs devouring you breathlessly...?) just as an example.

I agree with the couple of others who suggested the book Sheet Music. I havent read it myself, but am familiar with it and I think it would be an excellent idea to get it, read it, and have her read it. Read it together if you can. From what I understand its a very helpful book for people who were raised in religious backgrounds and are overly conservative or inhibited as a result. Helps them understand how sex within marriage is actually a wonderful thing God intended for a husband and wife to enjoy and explore together to the fullest, and not anything shameful contrary to any misguided conditioning they may have been subjected to along the way.


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## jmiller2020 (Sep 3, 2013)

I think that everyone that has posted has great advice. My question would be, have you ever thought of how she must feel knowing that she is not enough for you?

What if this goes on in her head: "Even if I try this or that I will never be enough." 

What if she has huge resentment for always being pressured and never appreciated for being a busy mom of three and still managing to be a missionary vanilla every three days (probably more at times).

His Needs Her Needs should be read by the two of you at the same time. You read chapter one, she reads two etc. Read a chapter a night or every other night out loud together. Go into it for a better understanding not for better sex.

Figure out what she is not telling you. I grew up pretty sheltered and it took a while for me to get comfortable in my marriage but it took my husband's love and support to make me feel secure. Does she feel secure and not stupid for being so innocent or 'boring'?

I can empathize with you in that you do want to have a little bit of you in this as well, I get it. But you're here to figure out what is going on with her. It sounds like when she shuts down when you bring the subject up she may be swimming in shame or seething in resentment...


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My question is to everyone on this forum and it is "Why do people continue to post on threads when the OP has not posted for days on end"?


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

I kind of skimmed through most of these posts and someone may have said this but I wonder how your personal hygiene is... Not to be offensive. 

If her dislike of giving oral is because of religion then I don't see that playing in. 

I think giving oral is about my favorite sexual act to do but with my Ex I just couldn't do it because it didn't smell the freshest down there.


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

Jmiller2020, I think you might be hitting the nail on the head. She probably does feel some resentment, never appreciated, and that she will never be enough. We have read "His needs her needs", and I will buy Sheet music, but she is extremely reluctant to read any educational book about sex, and I do mean extremely! 

Yesterday I wrote down several things I will not/will do for one week. Things like not mention oral, not touch certain places without her permission, ect. In exchange she is not to give me sex out of guilt and I get 30 min each night of cuddling, massaging time. Im not sure how this one week will go, or what to do after this week. 

Ill write more tomorrow, but right now I got to go for that 30 min


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

I don't think it would be her religion, because that is what told her how important sex is to the average husband, and that is why she tries. Maybe her up bringing, but her parents don't seem to be prudish. She has never, ever made even a sound during sex, I have no idea what pleases her, and when I ask she gets frustrated and says "I don't know". I have tried everything I can think of, I have no idea what turns her on, its like she thinks she needs to keep that a secret. :scratchhead: She asked me the other day if I wish I had married someone who enjoyed oral sex, I told her no, but I wish she enjoyed it. And when I say oral, im talking about me giving it to her, I have 99% given up on ever knowing what a bj feels like. She says its gross, I think its the most beautiful spot on earth! And I think I have very good hygiene, shower twice/day, clean breath as much as possible, no extra fat. 

In many of the postings people suggest giving her "her time", good idea, but easyer said than done. 

Resentment, possably, does she think she will never be enough, most likely. How does a man make a woman feel secure?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mr. Fix it said:


> How does a man make a woman feel secure?


By modeling the strength of his convictions and not allowing her doubt/self doubt to interfere with his confidence.

Easier said than done no doubt about it.

Sex is supposed to be sharing and reciprocal, each of you feeding off of and into each other's building passion and arousal. So what happens when she doesn't demonstrate passion or building arousal? Yours diminishes? As your passion diminishes, she feels it too this causing her passion to diminish even more.

So yes, a difficult task indeed to continue to demonstrate the confident passion in a vacuum.

As you've mentioned, she is aware of her lack luster response to sex. I think it is safe to assume she feels like there is something wrong with her that she doesn't respond the way you think she should or the way she thinks she should and she has no idea what to do about.

Or maybe she does know but is too afraid or feels too attacked to honestly confront whatever the issue might be.

Can you imagine what she must feel? A virgin bride thinking about what her married sex life might be like and imagining that everything will just magically be wonderful then discovering it not only wasn't wonderful but she feels blamed and attacked when she has no idea what is going wrong?

Yes, there are all kinds of things she needs to do to improve her sexual IQ but she won't do it unless she's brave enough to confront those issues. And the only way I can think of helping her be brave enough to confront those issues is by making sure she feels safe and loved and wanted no matter how quiet she is in the sack, or how unresponsive she is, or how squeamish she is.

Maybe a good question might be, what does she need from you in order for her to feel safe, loved and wanted?


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

My husband and I "lost each other" for several years. We were so busy raising busy kids and he was gone all the time working. We kind of lost touch until we had a crisis. Now we are working our way back. I remember being that wife that was less than enthusiastic about sex. It really wasn't even directed at my husband- I just wasn't feeling it. For me losing weight helped- I wasn't comfortable in my own skin after having several babies. Having a little time to myself was good- a little space after being with little ones. But the biggest thing of all was reconnecting with my husband outside of the bedroom too. Kisses, hugs, text messages, etc during the day. Telling me that I was beautiful and the things he liked about me. Essentially dating me again. Then once we started having sex doing it frequently helped. And finding the right time of day- that can be tough. I wouldn't give up. And be honest with her. Let her know how important all of this is to you.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

For the most part there is nothing you can do to make her feel the way she should about her sexuality. That is something that only she can change. She knows there is an issue most likely, but knowing it and being able to change it it is two very different things. 

OP, I am similar to your wife. I am not a "screamer or a moaner", I have lots in common with dead fish (as I said in another part of this thread), there are things I do not do in the bedroom. (Oral sex) I often feel like my H holds these things against me and I feel like he could have had so much more had he chosen not to to stay with me. 

My greatest advice to you is let your wife know you love her, say the things you may say to her when you have sex. but say them out side of sex. The only time I hear you are so gorgeous or I love you so much, or we will get threw this, is when we are in the sack. I am only important when we are in the bed room. Don't make that same mistake. 

When you ask your wife to preform oral, or to do things she doesn't really want to do and she declines, confirm to her threw words and kisses that you love her any way. That is not going to change your love for her. That will change her view of failure. 

Good luck and proceed gently.


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