# Oral Sex,returning the favor.



## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Married almost 49 years I love going down on my wife,now I found out from her "is not my favourite" as far as returning the favor with three aborted false starts. As Much as I like it, I backed off. And not a word from my wife. So I'm going to leave it that way.. I'm not sure it is the right thing to do,but it won't change anything. Any suggestions?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Deguello said:


> Any suggestions?


Yep.



Deguello said:


> I *unund*





Personal said:


> WTF is unund?


You could tell me what *unund* means?

Since I couldn't find it in a dictionary, and google translate was no help either. So I'd love to know WTF you meant by that other post. 🙂


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Deguello said:


> Married almost 49 years I love going down on my wife,now I found out from her "is not my favourite" as far as returning the favor with three aborted false starts. As Much as I like it, I backed off. And not a word from my wife. So I'm going to leave it that way.. I'm not sure it is the right thing to do,but it won't change anything. Any suggestions?


So you love going down on your wife, but she does not, it is not her favorite. Your solution is to stop giving it to her. Why? Why would you stop giving it to her if you really love it? Sounds like you are stopping it to spite her. That isn't good for a healthy marriage. And how in the world is this only coming up in year 49 of your marriage?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you love going down on your wife, but she does not, it is not her favorite. Your solution is to stop giving it to her. Why? Why would you stop giving it to her if you really love it? Sounds like you are stopping it to spite her. That isn't good for a healthy marriage. And how in the world is this only coming up in year 49 of your marriage?


But...would his stopping not be considered part of a '180' to draw her attention to it? Now of course that may not work as HE could really enjoy giving her oral but she may be so--so about receiving it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But...would his stopping not be considered part of a '180' to draw her attention to it? Now of course that may not work as HE could really enjoy giving her oral but she may be so--so about receiving it.


I suppose, but do you really want to do a 180 for lack of a single sex act? The 180 is step one of detachment. 

It would be best to communicate about it first. Not to mention that giving oral sex is something he said HE loves to do and she hasn't even noticed him not doing it anymore. That means at the moment he is the only one being negatively effected by withholding.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

The whole idea of I am going to hurt you by not giving because I don't get is the worst thing you can do.

Respectfully, is it possible that oral is causing her some kind of pain at her age? Maybe you have a bad taste and she doesn't want to say anything out of fear of hurting you..... I would suggest flavored lubes and maybe even asking if a hand job with combination of oral would be on the table.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You know what, I can understand the frustration you must feel when you keep giving and get nothing in return. I've got no answers for you on how best to handle this situation, but I might be tempted to stop giving as well if it was never reciprocated.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> The whole idea of I am going to hurt you by not giving because I don't get is the worst thing you can do.
> 
> Respectfully, is it possible that oral is causing her some kind of pain at her age? Maybe you have a bad taste and she doesn't want to say anything out of fear of hurting you..... I would suggest flavored lubes and maybe even asking if a hand job with combination of oral would be on the table.


I do think this is reading too much into the whys.
She doesn't want to do oral for you. Kind of period, end of story. So much attempted justification spread out in the responses is just fluff and extraneous.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I do think this is reading too much into the whys.
> She doesn't want to do oral for you. Kind of period, end of story. So much attempted justification spread out in the responses is just fluff and extraneous.


This is the kind of rigid black and white thinking that causes so much resentment in a marriage that it leads to eventual divorce.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> This is the kind of rigid black and white thinking that causes so much resentment in a marriage that it leads to eventual divorce.


I'll tell you if that's true after the next 20 years I guess. So far it's an excellent and successful point of view, has been good for a few weeks so far, at least 38 years. I most certainly must be doing something wrong.

Now that you've corrected me I feel better. Where were you 40 years ago when that pearl of wisdom could've helped me make my marriage last?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'll tell you if that's true after the next 20 years I guess. So far it's an excellent and successful point of view, has been good for a few weeks so far, at least 38 years. I most certainly must be doing something wrong.
> 
> Now that you've corrected me I feel better. Where were you 40 years ago when that pearl of wisdom could've helped me make my marriage last?


Actions have consequences in a marriage. If you go in with the expectations of her doing sexual favors because you feel entitled, then expect her to lose interest and respect for you.

I feel it would be completely unwise to just assume she will never do it again, period, end of story, that's just how it is..... That kind of thinking is a huge red flag of poor communication skills in a marriage. That kind of poor communication will lead to resentment. And resentment is like cancer on marriage. It will affect every part of your marriage and lead the couple to disconnecting physically and emotionally. Next thing that happens is an emotional/physical affair and eventually blindsided with divorce papers.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Actions have consequences in a marriage. If you go in with the expectations of her doing sexual favors because you feel entitled, then expect her to lose interest and respect for you.
> 
> I feel it would be completely unwise to just assume she will never do it again, period, end of story, that's just how it is..... That kind of thinking is a huge red flag of poor communication skills in a marriage. That kind of poor communication will lead to resentment. And resentment is like cancer on marriage. It will affect every part of your marriage and lead the couple to disconnecting physically and emotionally. Next thing that happens is an emotional/physical affair and eventually blindsided with divorce papers.


Ahh, now you're putting words in my mouth. Need a new trick.

You said this: Actions have consequences in a marriage. If you go in with the expectations of her doing sexual favors because you feel entitled, then expect her to lose interest and respect for you."

Not me. 

Thats kind of obvious info most folks here agree with if not all. Old stuff. Good try.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ahh, now you're putting words in my mouth. Need a new trick.
> 
> You said this: Actions have consequences in a marriage. If you go in with the expectations of her doing sexual favors because you feel entitled, then expect her to lose interest and respect for you."
> 
> ...


I didn't put any words in your mouth and you are the one assuming I am talking directly about you.

I am simply stating that a spouses attitude will directly affect the attitude of the other spouse. I have seen multiple threads where one spouse is super frustrated with the sex life and displays the attitude that they are entitled to sex and sexual acts since they are married. I am also promoting communication over just the black and white thinking of that's just how things are. That in my opinion is a serious red flag in a marriage when one or both spouses will not even attempt to communicate and just sits in a state of resentment/pity saying that is just how it is and nothing can be done.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I didn't put any words in your mouth and you are the one assuming I am talking directly about you.
> 
> I am simply stating that a spouses attitude will directly affect the attitude of the other spouse. I have seen multiple threads where one spouse is super frustrated with the sex life and displays the attitude that they are entitled to sex and sexual acts since they are married. I am also promoting communication over just the black and white thinking of that's just how things are. That in my opinion is a serious red flag in a marriage when one or both spouses will not even attempt to communicate and just sits in a state of resentment/pity saying that is just how it is and nothing can be done.


Ok


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ok


Glad you understand


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Glad you understand


This not he 1st thing she won't do. wear lingerie. let me see her naked does not like doggy she has never actually given me a complete bj. Because asked her to wear a garter and stockings.no because she had to wear one in high school.sex is an obligation of marriage...I have not insisted she "do" anything


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Glad you understand


Are you sure I understand?


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> The whole idea of I am going to hurt you by not giving because I don't get is the worst thing you can do.
> 
> Respectfully, is it possible that oral is causing her some kind of pain at her age? Maybe you have a bad taste and she doesn't want to say anything out of fear of hurting you..... I would suggest flavored lubes and maybe even asking if a hand job with combination of oral would be on the table.


She has never said that she is in pain.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Deguello said:


> This not he 1st thing she won't do. wear lingerie. let me see her naked does not like doggy she has never actually given me a complete bj. Because asked her to wear a garter and stockings.no because she had to wear one in high school.sex is an obligation of marriage...I have not insisted she "do" anything


Again, what made you wait till year 49. Just finally fed up?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Deguello said:


> She has never said that she is in pain.


Look, a lot of women don't like giving oral. It doesn't do anything for them and some find it repugnant at least part of the time. Giving her oral in order to get it in return is not a fair trade as far as she's concerned because she would rather just not do it. 

I know that's not the answer any man wants to hear, but women have sexual preferences too. Maybe she didn't used to mind it when she was younger and more energetic. I mean you have been married 49 years, so people do get older and wind down. But congratulations on staying married that long.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Deguello said:


> This not he 1st thing she won't do. wear lingerie. let me see her naked does not like doggy she has never actually given me a complete bj. Because asked her to wear a garter and stockings.no because she had to wear one in high school.sex is an obligation of marriage...I have not insisted she "do" anything


These are things people normally do after being married that long? I’m not being snarky at all. I’m impressed that you would want this. She knows you feel this way? Lucky lady.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> This not he 1st thing she won't do. wear lingerie. let me see her naked does not like doggy she has never actually given me a complete bj. Because asked her to wear a garter and stockings.no because she had to wear one in high school.sex in an obligation to her.I'm not going to stop anything.I enjoy going down on her I just would like more direction.. Out of the equation to on was a fantasy for me.it just hurts that she doesn't want too I took swallowing off the table .No sale new strategy keep you postef.its a bj. I have never refused her anything.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Deguello said:


> She has never said that she is in pain.


If she doesn't feel like doing it, then that's it. She's under no obligation to do things she doesn't feel like doing regardless of it being painless or otherwise.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

To me this is something that just needs to be hashed out between the two of you. The mentality of I’m going to stop giving it to her because she doesn’t for me is kinda like keeping score and that’s not great in marriage. People change and preference change. Do the two of you talk about sexual experiences preferences outside the bedroom?
Not in accusatory or arguments but I’m talking about light hearted / fun talk about what each of you kinda expect or desire at this point in time.

I know for me there are some things I’m not crazy about but if I know my husband wants or misses, I’ll go for it on a special occasion - New Years or his birthday. 

You’re not going to be able to change someone’s desire though.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> These are things people normally do after being married that long? I’m not being snarky at all. I’m impressed that you would want this. She knows you feel this way? Lucky lady.


She is aware if the things I like, I'm aware of what she will and won't do knowing does
Not make it any easier


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Deguello said:


> She is aware if the things I like, I'm aware of what she will and won't do knowing does
> Not make it any easier


There are no compromises? Does she just say no?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Deguello, resentment is what comes through in your posts about this. I would think your wife picks up on that. After 49 years married, I am sad you are in this spot. Would it help any at all to focus on the positives, maybe count your blessings that you aren't alone in the golden years? Honestly, doubt seriously at this late date that your actual sexual relationship with your wife is going to change. But IMO, be thankful you haven't been in a dead bedroom for decades like some poor folks posting their misery on TAM.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Are there any consequences for her refusal? Are there things you do for her that you don't like doing? She has a right to say "no" to things she doesn't want to do, but so do you...not as payback, but as to fairness.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Deguello said:


> Married almost 49 years I love going down on my wife


So why is reciprocation expected or necessary. If I like doing something for my wife expect nothing in return. The joy is in the giving.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So why is reciprocation expected or necessary. If I like doing something for my wife expect nithing in return


This 100x. If you really like doing something for your spouse, then do it, but don't keep score. It isn't a competition, it partnership. 

If you spouse really likes you to do something, but you aren't crazy about, then do that too, IF you want to. However you too can say I really don't care for doing it.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> These are things people normally do after being married that long? I’m not being snarky at all. I’m impressed that you would want this. She knows you feel this way? Lucky lady.


Not to thread jack here, but yes, these are things people still want to do after being married so long. DW and I will celebrate our 49th this month and we are still performing oral, using every room of the house, swimming naked in our pool, role playing, sex on cruise ship balconies, etc. However, people do change and their sexual tastes change over the years. We used to do a lot of things in our earlier years that we no longer do, mostly because DW has voiced that she no longer enjoys them. The most recent was last fall when she told me that me performing oral on her is "not my favorite." That on kind of hurt because I love doing that for her and she always seemed to enjoy it and always got her O from it. That just puts the onus on me to lead and find ways to keep things fresh and exciting. That's not always easy to do and sometimes it get frustrating. But I know that if I don't do it, it won't happen. Then our sex life will really spiral down.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> These are things people normally do after being married that long? I’m not being snarky at all. I’m impressed that you would want this. She knows you feel this way? Lucky lady.


The W is getting better after a non covid flu/allergy week thing and we've not fooled around for 5 or 6 days. Yesterday after work as I was starting to pressure wash the porch she came out in a new lingerie sexy camisole and says hey, I'm feeling better, do you want to wink wink?

Of course and absolutely. So we still do all those things even after all these years. 

I'm a little less cranky today. 😉


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> However, people do change and their sexual tastes change over the years.


I guess that was a little of my point to @Deguello. After 49 years, hormones sag, health declines, aches and pains multiply. For two people after so long to still have ANY form of a sexual relationship is actually miraculous. Those of us that do are a blessed minority.

The glass isnt empty just because one or the other’s “tastes” have changed,

Btw, personally I want my wife to respond spontaneously, not because I ask her. Not as a “payback” for something I did. That spontaneity is the highest compliment and arouses me more than anything else.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> So why is reciprocation expected or necessary. If I like doing something for my wife expect nithing in return


A big concept good for partners to grasp. Most things aren't as good if either partner's main understanding is that acts are transactional based. Not the best reasons for doing most things.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is possible that you are not doing it the right way_ for her._

One tip: Go slower, do light clit sucking, be more gentle in the execution.





_The Typist-_


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> These are things people normally do after being married that long? I’m not being snarky at all. I’m impressed that you would want this. She knows you feel this way? Lucky lady.


Our bodies age, but our inner self is still in our 20s. So yes, we crave intimacy with one another after more than five decades, just as much as with our first encounter.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> She is aware if the things I like, I'm aware of what she will and won't do knowing does
> Not make it any easier


Long live vanilla sec and starfish sex


Diceplayer said:


> Not to thread jack here, but yes, these are things people still want to do after being married so long. DW and I will celebrate our 49th this month and we are still performing oral, using every room of the house, swimming naked in our pool, role playing, sex on cruise ship balconies, etc. However, people do change and their sexual tastes change over the years. We used to do a lot of things in our earlier years that we no longer do, mostly because DW has voiced that she no longer enjoys them. The most recent was last fall when she told me that me performing oral on her is "not my favorite." That on kind of hurt because I love doing that for her and she always seemed to enjoy it and always got her O from it. That just puts the onus on me to lead and find ways to keep things fresh and exciting. That's not always easy to do and sometimes it get frustrating. But I know that if I don't do it, it won't happen. Then our sex life will really spiral down.





Rus47 said:


> Our bodies age, but our inner self is still in our 20s. So yes, we crave intimacy with one another after more than five decades, just as much as with our first encounter.


I won't "quit" anything I like,but I Will
back off out of respect.I don't ask for a bj,just because it is a waste of effort. And she gets angry.I would talk to her about our sex life such as it is.that's good for at least three day or nights looking at her back..I thought about buying her some granny jammies.I said i thought about. It. I love going down however it is not her "favorite"
She gets her way AGAIN.I'm beginning not to really care,that is a bad place


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Sfort said:


> Are there any consequences for her refusal? Are there things you do for her that you don't like doing? She has a right to say "no" to things she doesn't want to do, but so do you...not as payback, but as to fairness.


Exactly. When I hear "i'm too tired" or "i'm no in the mood" I file those away and have used the same reasons for skipping events with her friends. Fair's fair.


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