# husband and adult kids addicted



## jovita

I've been married to my husband for 30 years. I have 5 kids, all of them are adults. 2 still live at our home, my youngest is 23 years old, single with no kids, he is on probation for drunk driving, doesn't have a job since he lost his license. My 25 year old daughter has a 2 year old son and also lives in our home. She is attending college in the evening between my other daughter, aunt and myself take turns in taking care of my 2 year old grandson. Lately I suspected my daughter was under the influence in which I confronted her, which she denied because of my job and training I reported her which she tested positive for being under the influence of meth. I've always told my children if I ever suspected or found out they were doing drugs I myself would report them, which I have done. I've also always helped them if they needed help with their children or to go to school/college. My husband is an alcoholic and only home on weekends because of his job. Most of the time when he is at home he gets drunk. This week I had knee surgery and having difficulty in walking. I am hurt and disappointed because the day after my surgery instead of my husband caring for me when I needed him he was drunk for two days. I finally had to call one of my sons to come over and help me with this drunk man. my responsible son the one who is doing ok called my youngest to know why he wasn't home helping. when my responsible son arrived to assist me my youngest son arrived but was also drunk and started arguing with my responsible son. I am just so tired of all these problems. I sometimes just want move away and start a new life by myself but I can't find the courage to do it. I feel it is wrong to abandon my family. Should i ignore my feelings and abandon them even though their adults i feel guilty or should I live in this madness which is making me very depressed.


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## Blanca

You should definitely look into a group called alanon. it is a peer-lead group for family and friends of alcoholics. ive been to some sessions myself and found it very helpful. 

good for you for reporting your daughter. my mom has also caught my sister on meth but turned her head, even though my sister has a three year old daughter in the house. pathetic.


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## swedish

Hi Jovita,

Have you talked to your responsible son about all of this? I just wonder what he would say. My mom was in a similar situation (my dad had a severe gambling addiction so they were always getting the utilities shut off, threatened with foreclosure, etc.) She went back to work after raising 5 kids just to put food on the table & was a secretary in the 50's and now had to learn word processing, etc. Her best friend (single) wanted her to move to Florida with her and live the retired life...when she told me that I said 'Go for it!' In the end, she stayed (said she couldn't leave my dad)...she numbed herself with alcohol and died of liver failure at age 56.

I'm not suggesting running from marriage or problems is the right answer, but putting your foot down on what you will put up with in your own home as far as addictions, working, helping with rent if you allow adult kids to stay there....if they will not step up, then I think you have every right to opt out of this deal.


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## InnerGold

Addictions a lot of times is trying to self medicate problems and is fueled when someone is: Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed and Tired, which in our society is almost all of the time.

Do you know what his past was like? Does he have a desire to change but doesn't know how?


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## jovita

Thank you for your advices. I have tried to convince my husband to go to AAA or any kind of counseling but he refuses he says he does not have a problem because he only drinks on his days off. Most of all his family sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles nephews, and nieces like to drink. When I visited them in Mexico it was like a party everyday. When I visit the ones who live in California all of them drink and are a very lively, happy group. When my sons are with he always invites them to drink with him even though one of them was going to AAA because of his drunk driving conviction and knew he was not to drink. Thank god my responsible son has a wife who speaks her mind and she and my son have an understanding he may drink socially but not to drink until he passes out. My responsible son has told many times to divorce my husband but it is hard after you've been married for 30 years. I've tried to convince my husband to go visit his mother in Mexico for a couple of months when work is slow just so he won't be at home everyday and I won't have to deal with his drinking when he works its great I'm at peace because he's only home twice a week but I dread those two days. My husband refuses to go to Mexico unless I go with him. He has always threatened me if I leave he would not leave me alone, he gives me the impression he would be one of those persons you see on dateline or 20/20 of being a stalker or obsessed ex husbands.


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## Blanca

jovita said:


> Thank god my responsible son has a wife who speaks her mind and she and my son have an understanding he may drink socially but not to drink until he passes out. My responsible son has told many times to divorce my husband but it is hard after you've been married for 30 years.


I also come from a dysfunctional family and there is always a child labeled "the good one." I also read all about the dynamics of this on dysfunctional families

it might help you to read up on it.


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## InnerGold

Jovita, most addicts don't realize they have a problem. Unfortunately, it seems to take something dramatic to bring them to their senses to even start to acknowledge that they might have a problem.


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