# Not attracted to husband



## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

Can a marriage survive without physical attraction?

I married my husband right out of high school. We've been married for over ten years now. I married him so young mainly to escape an abusive household. I enjoy his company and think of him as as a close friend, but I've never viewed him as a sexual partner in all the years that we've been married.

I can honestly say that I've never been sexually attracted to him. I do have sex when he wants, but do not enjoy it. I've discussed with him before about my lack of sexual attraction, he told me that it's a mental block that I need to overcome. I have yet to overcome my mental block. 

I'm envious of the couples here with active sex life and mutual sexual attraction for each other. I often wonder what that would feel like. Maybe I'm simply having a bad case of grass is green on the other side. Maybe I just need someone to tell me that there's nothing wrong with being married to my best friend even if I'm not attracted to him. Maybe I need someone to tell me that when we grow old, I'll at least grow old with my dear friend.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

What is so unattractive about him? And have you ever told him you find him unattractive, or just that you don't like sex? There's a big difference.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Rose Petal, is he just a generally unattractive guy?
The type that most others would probably also find unattractive if he were to walk into a room
like a 3 out of 10.... or worse 

Or are there specific unattractive things about him?
bad skin or teeth, weight issues, dresses poorly, childish personality etc
that could be altered with relative ease?

As a lover, how is he?
Clumsy, unsatisfying, "dopey" etc...
would you consider him an unskilled lover?
That would make a huge difference in why you don't see him as a sexual person.

There is nothing wrong with considering him to be your best friend. My husband is mine. But if you're not physically/sexually attracted to him, it may be difficult for you to stay faithful to your marriage over the long term.


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

I don't know what is it that I find him unattractive. He's not drop dead gorgeous looking, but he's not ugly either. When I first met him, I never once thought that yes I'm so attracted to him. 

He doesn't have bad skin or teeth. He's gained weight over the years. I honestly don't have a problem with weight gain. I've never found him attractive when he weighed less. As a lover, I can't get completion with intercourse. 

Aribabe, I see what you mean about difficult to stay faithful if I'm not physically/sexually attracted to him. I am a very quiet person, not very outgoing. I don't draw unnecessarily attention to myself and never seek inappropriate attention from the opposite sex. 

I'm content in almost all aspects of my marriage. The only other issue that bugs me from time to time is that I'm the main bread winner in this family. I make a very decent income whereas he makes minimum wage. I do envy other couples who share the financial burden equally. Honestly this is not the main issue, it's not something I can't deal with for the rest of my life if I have to.

The only thing that really bothers me is this strong desire to experience the sexual attraction that other happily married couples are experiencing. This issue has been bothering me for years now. I have to continuously tell myself that the grass is not greener on the other side. At least I have a faithful, understanding husband who's not abusive to me.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

rose petal said:


> Can a marriage survive without physical attraction?
> 
> I married my husband right out of high school. We've been married for over ten years now. I married him so young mainly to escape an abusive household. I enjoy his company and think of him as as a close friend, but I've never viewed him as a sexual partner in all the years that we've been married.
> 
> ...


I'm interested to hear the responses here.

I am the husband who is not attracted to his wife. Specifically, it is her weight. Our situation is different in that I was attracted to her when we were married but over the years she has ballooned to 330+lbs. She believes I should be sexually attracted to her if I love her but I am unable to get over that mental block. I can have sex with her in the right moment, but instead of looking at her and feeling aroused, I have the opposite reaction most of the time. She surprised me with wanting a morning quickie the other day, showing up naked as I was getting ready to go to work ... my (internal) reaction was "you have to be kidding me ... that is just gross (as I was looking at the folds of fat and her enormous belly)." I am just not attracted to morbid obesity and no jedi mind trick I can employ will change that. I'm not even picky, I'm attracted to all sorts of body types ... just not that one. People complain that their spouse has gained 20,30,40 pounds. If my wife was only that overweight, she would have to push me away. How shallow is that? 

I feel horrible about that in so many ways. Like you, she is my friend. She is a good person and mother. Nobody could be a better mother to my children than her. How do I reconcile that? Like you, I am extremely jealous of those here who have active sex lives and mutual attraction. It is how I always imagined marriage. It feels entirely unfair. On the other hand, it isn't fair to her either that she is married to someone who isn't attracted to her. While she has a lower sex drive than I do, I know she would prefer an active sex life with mutual attraction. I know I don't want to go through the rest of my life in a sexless marriage but I also know that it is entirely my perspective that is causing the problem ... a problem that causes her to go through a sexless marriage. Complicating the situation is that we have children. How could I possibly justify a divorce based on a sexless marriage when that could have serious negative implications for my children ... my beautiful girls mean everything to both of us. 

It's a dilemna for sure.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Rose Petal, is he just a generally unattractive guy?
> The type that most others would probably also find unattractive if he were to walk into a room
> like a 3 out of 10.... or worse
> 
> ...


Whatever you do, divorce before going the affair route. If he is your friend then surely you don't want to cause him that much pain. It's not his fault and he doesn't deserve it.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Rose Petals,

There is nothing wrong with not being attracted to your husband. Ultimately you have no control over that. However, it was unfair for you to marry him knowing that you weren't attracted him. Nothing you can really do about that at this point, and i don't think it's an issue worthy of ending your marriage.

With that in mind...

Many women cant orgasm through intercourse alone, there's nothing abnormal about that BUT what i'm asking is do you generally consider him to be sexually satisfying? Are you sexually satisfied?

I think one of your main issues, even if you don't realize it, is that he's both overweight AND he's broke.

Being the bread winner is not the normal position women expect to find themselves in, especially with a fat husband who's only making minimum wage. That's a total sexual turn off.

How often are you two having sex? Do you feel like he "hassles" you for sex?

Even if you don't find him sexy, are there days when you see him and think he looks "cute" or "handsome"


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You married him for the wrong reasons and this is the outcome. If physical attraction is not present, then he is your friend, your confidant, your roomate, anything but not a H. Sexual attraction is not something to be won in time like trust and respect- either it is there from the begining or not...and if it's not, romantic love is missing from the relationship. I think you should divorce. He deserve better and so do you.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Is it also a possibility that you have some emotional issues about relationships in general because of the abuse you mentioned was the reason you married him - to escape? Perhaps you have intimacy issues that are holding you back from being attracted.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If I wasn't attracted to my wife, DIVORCED!!!!

Seriously, more a friend and room mate marriage, if you want to call it a marriage at that point. Not good.

My wifee only orgasms when I give her oral. 

She does like doggie with her legs together and missionary with my legs on the outside and hers tight together, but oral is orgasms for her.

When we had sex once every 2 or more weeks, our marriage was like a friendship and room mates arrangement. But now we have sex 3x or more each week and the difference is night and day.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Hortensia said:


> You married him for the wrong reasons and this is the outcome. If physical attraction is not present, then he is your friend, your confidant, your roomate, anything but not a H. Sexual attraction is not something to be won in time like trust and respect- either it is there from the begining or not...and if it's not, romantic love is missing from the relationship. I think you should divorce. He deserve better and so do you.


Attraction can be developed over time often because of trust and respect. It happens all the time. I have heard many people say they were not attracted to their signigicant other at first - but the attraction came later. I agree she married him for the wrong reasons, and it has been long enough that the attraction should be there now. I just think they both owe it to each other to seek professional help before calling it off - just to make sure there are not some underlying issues keeping her closed off in this area.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Agree about seeking professional help first. If the marriage can be saved, it would be great. But it's not very likely that she will develop attraction for him, after so long. I think he deserves to be with someone who finds him attractive and can fall in love with him. And she deserves to find that spark too.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Yep, sounds time for counseling for both or just you if he won't go and if that doesn't resolve things or you don't go for counseling then you have to decide if a friendship marriage will be enough for you. Sounds like you married young to escape a situation and sooner or later that decision would come to haunt you and that time has come.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Whatever you do, divorce before going the affair route. If he is your friend then surely you don't want to cause him that much pain. It's not his fault and he doesn't deserve it.


:iagree:


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

Thank you all for the helpful comments. You've given me a lot to think about.

Won't sexual/physical attraction fade over time in a lot of marriages? Marriage to my best friend isn't so bad. I've read so much worse on this forum.

I'm very envious of other couples, but it could also be just another life phase that I have to get through.

I'm also scared to simply end it. I worry about how he's going to support himself. We've had our whole life planned with us being together. I also worry about having children. We don't have any children yet because we've held off so I can become better educated. I'm in my 30s, my biological clock is ticking away. Now is not the time to drop everything and jump ship so that maybe I'll be able to find a mutual marriage partner that I can be best friends with and have sexual attraction.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

rose petal said:


> Won't sexual/physical attraction fade over time in a lot of marriages?


Not in most healthy marriages. Some people are still having hots for their spouses and still bonking their spouses to their 60s and 70s, you could find examples in this forum alone.



> I'm also scared to simply end it. I worry about how he's going to support himself.


you said he had minimum wages. So he has income. he's an adult and he has a job (even though it's minimum wages), surely he can take care of himself. 



> I'm in my 30s, my biological clock is ticking away. Now is not the time to drop everything and jump ship so that maybe I'll be able to find a mutual marriage partner that I can be best friends with and have sexual attraction.


Not if you want to have a fully satisfying life. The fact that you posted here for advice, is the proof that life is not satisfactory to you right now. 

Ask yourself this question. If your husband suddenly decided by himself, that he needs to lose weight and get a better job. Would he be more attractive to you? Be honest. To yourself, you don't have to be honest to us, but to yourself. Imagine him back to his shape before he gets fat. Imagine him earning not minimum wages but 2x that amount. Would he become more PHYSICALLY attractive to you?

If the answer is no, then you know what to do. The RIGHT thing, fair for both of you.

Sorry for being a pessimist. I hope optimists people here will chime in to counterbalance my pessimism.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm currently in a similar situation. I'm trying to find romantic love for my husband. We have a child together so divorce is a more complicated option. We have started trying to get more creative with sex and that has helped me start to see him as more of a man. We still have a ways to go but I'm hoping with enough patience and effort, I will have what some others seem to enjoy as a healthy marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Wow Rose. I feel sorry for your husband. You may not intend for it to come across like this, but it definitely sounds like you see him just as a ticket to a decent life where your material needs are met. I hope that your intentions are not to use him to improve your education and to later dump him. I assume you are looking for a way to find love for him, so I assume you are here with the best of intentions.

Maybe you should start with what about him really bothers you. Don't say nothing, because if that was the truth you would have already developed strong feelings for him over these past 10 years. So, what do you dislike most about him?


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Plan 9 obviously she's not using him. She's the breadwinner and he makes minimum wage. One of the reasons she doesn't want to leave is because she's afraid he won't be able to support himself. That was a bit sexist of you to assume.

Rose, I somewhat know where you're coming from. I do imagine though that your husband losing weight or getting a better job wouldn't do much in the way of increasing your attraction for him since you weren't even attracted to him back in highschool. At your age, you're going to have to make a decision soon on how important experiencing romantic love and satisfying sex is to you if you want to have children. I know exactly how hard it is to think of leaving since he is your best friend. I've tried to leave so many times myself and couldn't because I would start to think of how much I'd miss him if I did. Sometimes in life you just have to do what's right for you though.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I'm not so sure about counseling. I mean really... What can they actually tell her? 

This one is cut and dry. Personally, I don't think that everyone is wired to "grow" into attraction. Look at the posters who have had a spouse become super overweight and found their attraction totally gone... You can't really counsel someone through that.

The first response to the OP asked "well is he a 3?" But even people that are 500 lbs or as ugly as a troglodyte deserve to be able to find someone who, for whatever reason (even if its a fetish) *want* to have sex with them OR are able to feel genuine attraction that is more than flesh deep. Someone wired to be attracted to the physical cant do that.

If you are wired to have surface appearance based attraction primarily I really don't think you can change that.

OP's reasons for staying were mainly guilt. No good. I think leaving is absolutely the right thing to consider. Especially since there are no kids. Imagine they stay and have a kid? Then in ten years people will be lambasting her for having an affair (maybe an EA) and guys will be advising her "BH" to hit the gym, install VARs, man up, 180, etc

This is a train wreck that could actually be potentially averted IMO.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

rose petal said:


> I'm in my 30s, my biological clock is ticking away. Now is not the time to drop everything and jump ship so that maybe I'll be able to find a mutual marriage partner that I can be best friends with and have sexual attraction.


I would say the contrary is true. Now is precisely the time to drop everything and look for a partner you can truly be happy with. My sense is if you have children with him you will grow to resent him even more and then you'll really be stuck. 

Free him to find a woman who loves him for who he is and you can go find a man you truly desire.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I agree with the above poster. I hadn't noticed your comment before about "now is not the time" and now is definitely the time. It is 1000 times harder to leave after you have kids. I've been putting off having a second child while I've been trying to figure out if I want to stay with my husband or not. The clock is definitely ticking...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

"I would say the contrary is true. Now is precisely the time to drop everything and look for a partner you can truly be happy with. My sense is if you have children with him you will grow to resent him even more and then you'll really be stuck." 

I definitely agree with Maritime. I have a child with my husband and I completely resent him now because I know for a fact that he was trying to get me pregnant because he knew I wanted to leave him. Although admittedly I should have been using protection, but due to some medical problems and the fact that we had been having unprotected sex for 2 1/2 years without consequence I wasn't worried. Now I'm much like Kermitty in that I am also putting off having a second child while I decide if I want to leave my husband or not. Also it really is 1,000 times harder to leave after you have kids.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Rose i have to warn you though, if you divorce him you will divorce the friendship also. so just be prepared to lose a husband and your "best friend"


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

It is absolutely hard to leave when you have children. I am one whose wife has become "super overweight" ... morbidly obese ... and I have lost all attraction. I'm in a sexless marriage and if I stay in the marriage until my daughters leave the house, I will be in my late 50s. If I leave then I can't be in my daughters lives on a daily basis and the thought of that is heartbreaking. We separated for a period of time and it was during that time that I realized having them even in joint custody is not enough for me to be the father they need me to be. Even little things like talking while I tuck them into bed each night is an important part of being a parent and would be lost. The end result is that I feel alone with an emotional connection that is unsupported by a physical connection and we are both very unhappy and unfulfilled. We try to find other ways to fill our lives (we don't have a lot in common) but it is a struggle. If I didn't have children and I wanted children in a healthy relationship, my choice for my future would be clear.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I will be honest and say I would not find my fiance attractive if I thought I had to be the main breadwinner. Because the dynamics I need in order to be attracted are as follows_

He is the main breadwinner
I am the one who stays at home if possible and cares for the children and home, does the cooking etc
He takes charge of things, isn't shy about letting me know what he thinks
He puts me and our family first
Is not selfish but is not a pushover
Is not afraid to tell me NO, even if that means I'm not allways happy at the time. 
He is fair and kind but also manly and I don't need to nag him, because he's responsible.
He's ambitious (wants a good job), because he wants to provide for his family.
His main goals are a happy family and a close sexual relationship with me. 

Maybe you could make a list of things that are important to you, what you feel you need in order to be attracted to him and see if you can work on them together.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Littledeer that's some pretty good advice. I think I'll take that myself. lol


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I married my best friend. We were kinda friends to start with. Very very little sexual chemistry. Now 20 years later, we are still briends/roomates with very little sexual chemistry. Plus we have a 9 year old. I just don't want to lose my best friend and be away from my daughter. I also don't think my wife can handle it on her own financially. Not even close.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rose petal said:


> Can a marriage survive without physical attraction?
> 
> I married my husband right out of high school. We've been married for over ten years now. *I married him so young mainly to escape an abusive household. * I enjoy his company and think of him as as a close friend, but I've never viewed him as a sexual partner in all the years that we've been married.
> 
> ...


*Rose Petal, I'm going to be tough on you, but please do not be upset*.

You had a bad situation to escape from so you used your husband to escape from it. Yes, you *used* him.

He is your dear friend? Really? Who uses a dear friend like you did?

Does he love you? Does he know you do not love him? (In this context friendship doesn't count)

If he doesn't know you do not love him, you must be a bloody good actress.

Is there lurking deep within you, a lack of respect for him? After all a real man would just know when a woman was faking it, right?:scratchhead:

It's possible that due to how you think you acted (that you feel guilty for using him) that your mind will not allow you to feel attracted to him. You might, in fact, really want to fancy him, but that your husband is right, you have a mental block.

Counselling might help.

Are there any children? If not and he wants them and you do not as you do not find him attractive, then that's really not fair on him, is it?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

rose petal said:


> .
> 
> I can honestly say that I've never been sexually attracted to him. I do have sex when he wants, but do not enjoy it. I've discussed with him before about my lack of sexual attraction, he told me that it's a mental block that I need to overcome. I have yet to overcome my mental block.
> 
> ...


 *We will all get old one day...YOU are far from old. You have a lot of living to do. The good thing is you have no children.My next relationship will be for sex and intimacy...The love and friendship will come later. I married my friend once and I will not do that when I leave my marriage. 

If my wife made all the changes I wanted...I don't think that would mke a difference. She may feel the same way about me too*


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Whatever you do, do not have a child with this man because your biological clock is ticking. That's a recipe for disaster.

Children do NOT cement a relationship; in many cases they destroy it (especially if there were problems to start with) but the parties then feel morally bound to stay together because of the children.

I too am married to a friend and am currently contemplating leaving him. He will be gutted if I do but I think it would be wrong to stay out of pity for what he would feel if I left.


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

Update:

I've been agonizing over this issue for several weeks now. I've lost a lot of sleep and lost a lot of weight  

I had some good talks with my friend. Today I met with an attorney to file for a divorce. I realize that I can't live life like this. I need to find that happiness and attraction with my spouse and not live out the rest of my life with a roommate/friend.

Thank you everyone for your comments


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

rose petal said:


> Update:
> 
> I've been agonizing over this issue for several weeks now. I've lost a lot of sleep and lost a lot of weight
> 
> ...


This thing is always tough, but it is going to be tougher on him than you. You already checked out long back. So it is actually a process and time for you to move on.

Make it easy on him. He has done nothing wrong in this marriage, but he is paying. Not saying you are doing anything wrong. In the long run it will be good for him as we'll.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rose Petal, *please do not* take any money from him. You have already stolen the best years of his life. At least do not take from him financially, too.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You have cheated yourself....You chose security and escape over love and attraction......Now you are going to crush the feelings of someone who loves you......That is truly a shame. 

I am getting the impression that you feel contempt for him because he makes less money..........

He could loose weight and get a better job, and move on with his life, but I'm afraid you will never find the "happiness" you feel you deserve, because I don't think you are willing to work for it......

At 22 I wa an assembly line worker at minimum wage with a HS diploma....At 32 I was an engineer for a fortune 500 company....

But I was willing to do the heavy lifting to make something of myself.....Go ahead, take the easy way out...... again.....


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Rose petal, don't let other's judgements make you feel bad about your decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I'm currently in a similar situation. I'm trying to find romantic love for my husband. We have a child together so divorce is a more complicated option. We have started trying to get more creative with sex and go but I'm hoping with enough patience and effort, I will have what some others seem to enjoy as a healthy marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




"that has helped me start to see him as more of a man".......

OUCH!....That smarts....Just how much man do you think you can handle?????

What was he when you married him??? Most gals are not attracted to eunichs.....

I am not trying to offend, but guys do have feelings too....See my post "All this crap about the F word" The F word being "feelings" from a strictly ALPHA male.....

I think it may help you and your husband as it helped my wife and I....


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Lol
Why would she take money from him?
He's making minimum wage....
What would there be to take?
:rofl:



MattMatt said:


> Rose Petal, *please do not* take any money from him. You have already stolen the best years of his life. At least do not take from him financially, too.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I think she means seeing him as more masculine man

Some men have a feminine energy that would be off putting to a woman that also has a feminine energy.



Woodchuck said:


> "that has helped me start to see him as more of a man".......
> 
> OUCH!....That smarts....Just how much man do you think you can handle?????
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Might want to check the laws where you are concerning alimony...if you make to much more than him you might have to pay him support. I think you have already checked out...too bad everybody loses in a divorse no winners there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Lol
> Why would she take money from him?
> He's making minimum wage....
> What would there be to take?
> ...


Property, his home. Stuff like that.

Oh, yes. She'll also take something that money can't buy. His peace of mind. Because if she was a really convincing actress, he'll have a hard time *ever* trusting another woman as long as he lives. *Ever*.

And I am puzzled as to why you think his plight is worthy of your laughter.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

His home and property? :rofl:
Maybe you and I have different perspectives on what minimum wage looks like on middle aged man.

I do think he'll have a hard time trusting women after this, hopefully rose petal will let him down gently.



MattMatt said:


> Property, his home. Stuff like that.
> 
> Oh, yes. She'll also take something that money can't buy. His peace of mind. Because if she was a really convincing actress, he'll have a hard time *ever* trusting another woman as long as he lives. *Ever*.
> 
> And I am puzzled as to why you think his plight is worthy of your laughter.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> His home and property? :rofl:
> Maybe you and I have different perspectives on what minimum wage looks like on middle aged man.
> 
> I do think he'll have a hard time trusting women after this, hopefully rose petal will let him down gently.
> ...


There's something here that is setting my teeth on edge. I do hope we do not have another situation -it's happened before on TAM- when some poor man on a low salary makes lots of sacrifices to put his wife through college and to become a high earner, only for her to start to resent him for being what he always was, and considering herself to be worth more than her husband. And then trades up, leaving her devastated husband.

I wonder if the: "I never ever loved my husband" might be another example of the mysterious re-writing of the history of a marriage that some people feel the need to go in for to justify some egregious behaviour they plan to indulge in.

I am not a vindictive person, but I hope he takes her for every penny he can. And I am not sure where that emotion came from, to be honest...:scratchhead:


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

aribabe said:


> His home and property? :rofl:
> Maybe you and I have different perspectives on what minimum wage looks like on middle aged man.
> Hi
> I do think he'll have a hard time trusting women after this, hopefully rose petal will let him down gently.
> ...


Interesting as your perspective is aribabe, I have to go with MattMatt on this. She implies he is her friend and has helped put her through school, that they planned a future together. My guess is she has done exactly that, she has gotten her education and great career and now feels like she better than him. Sad part is, she will probable find life is not a fairy tale and it is what you make of it. She isn't willing to even try to work on this. She admittedly is the major bread winner, depending on where she lives she may get an ugly surprise in divorse court...called "expected standard of living....ie alimony." More and more presidencies are being set on equal rights for husbands in alimony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Lots of sacrafices like what?
They have no children together.
Maybe he gave away all his lucky charms so she could go to harvard or something, but I highly doubt it :rofl:

I highly doubt that rose petal never loved her husband, maybe she hasn't felt loving feelings towards him for a very long time.

I think that you're a man, and seeing another man being slighted, in your opinion, by a woman, upsets you and that's what's bringing out the vindictiveness.

I don't think either of them should take anything from one another, though it doesn't sound like there is very much to take between the two of them anyway.



MattMatt said:


> There's something here that is setting my teeth on edge. I do hope we do not have another situation -it's happened before on TAM- when some poor man on a low salary makes lots of sacrifices to put his wife through college and to become a high earner, only for her to start to resent him for being what he always was, and considering herself to be worth more than her husband. And then trades up, leaving her devastated husband.
> 
> I wonder if the: "I never ever loved my husband" might be another example of the mysterious re-writing of the history of a marriage that some people feel the need to go in for to justify some egregious behaviour they plan to indulge in.
> 
> I am not a vindictive person, but I hope he takes her for every penny he can. And I am not sure where that emotion came from, to be honest...:scratchhead:


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

MattMatt - Would you prefer that she stays with him even though she doesn't truly love him as a wife should love her husband? She made a mistake when she was very young and I think the kindest thing she can do, now that she has recognized it, is let him go and find someone who can love him. I don't get the impression at all that she is just trading up now that she's making good money. It sounds like she's actually concerned about his ability to take care of himself and most likely she'll end up being the one to pay alimony for a while.

OP - I was in a similar situation. Married my HS boyfriend, who was really just my best friend, and came to regret it when I was closing in on 30. We divorced and now we are both remarried and very happy with our new spouses. I hurt him at the time but it was the best thing for everyone. It takes a lot of courage to admit a mistake and correct it, even if it means hurting someone you care about in the short-term. He'll thank you later on. Good luck.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

She's not going to have to pay alimony. 
No judge is going to award alimony to a healthy, middle aged man that has a job, that is also without children.

He's not a stay at home parent that sacrificed job experience to raise his children, he's just a man that decided to spend his time gaining weight and earning minimum wage.

He is her friend and he definitely helped her through school and through life, he was (is?) her companion.
She is also his companion and has helped and supported him as well.
I'm sure they planned a future together....
That's what husbands and wives do for one another.
It isn't miraculous.

She may feel better than him.
People often feel better than other people.
And sometimes we just outgrow people.




mineforever said:


> Interesting as your perspective is aribabe, I have to go with MattMatt on this. She implies he is her friend and has helped put her through school, that they planned a future together. My guess is she has done exactly that, she has gotten her education and great career and now feels like she better than him. Sad part is, she will probable find life is not a fairy tale and it is what you make of it. She isn't willing to even try to work on this. She admittedly is the major bread winner, depending on where she lives she may get an ugly surprise in divorse court...called "expected standard of living....ie alimony." More and more presidencies are being set on equal rights for husbands in alimony.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

rose petal said:


> Can a marriage survive without physical attraction?
> 
> I married my husband right out of high school. We've beentv married for over ten years now. I married him so young mainly to escape an abusive household. I enjoy his company and think of him as as a close friend, but I've never viewed him as a sexual partner in all the years that we've been married.
> 
> ...


She admitts she married him to get out of a abusive home, she admits he helped her get thar education /career....so where is the...we went to MC or we've been working on trying to build romance or we are trying to spice up the sex life. I don't see any of that in the posts just complaining that she wants free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

aribabe said:


> She's not going to have to pay alimony.
> No judge is going to award alimony to a healthy, middle aged man that has a job, that is also without children.
> 
> He's not a stay at home parent that sacrificed job experientvce to raise his children, he's just a man that decided to spend his time gaining weight and earning minimum wage.
> ...


Wrong not in my state, I know for a fact if I divorced my husband I would be paying alimony big time. He only makes 60k and my salary allows us a much higher standard of living. She just needs to talk to an attorney and know her rights. By the way the hubster put me through 4 yrs of undergraduate and supported me through 4yrs of law school, believe me judges will look at it depending on where you live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Lots of sacrafices like what?
> They have no children together.
> Maybe he gave away all his lucky charms so she could go to harvard or something, but I highly doubt it :rofl:
> 
> ...


You have helped me see where my vindictiveness comes from. It is not because he is another man (clearly, you really, really haven't read many of my posts!) it is the fact that I resent anyone, man or woman, being taken advantage of, or as the Australians say, having the rip taken out of them, especially by someone they should be able to trust. I resent users.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

justonelife said:


> MattMatt - Would you prefer that she stays with him even though she doesn't truly love him as a wife should love her husband? She made a mistake when she was very young and I think the kindest thing she can do, now that she has recognized it, is let him go and find someone who can love him. I don't get the impression at all that she is just trading up now that she's making good money. It sounds like she's actually concerned about his ability to take care of himself and most likely she'll end up being the one to pay alimony for a while.
> 
> OP - I was in a similar situation. Married my HS boyfriend, who was really just my best friend, and came to regret it when I was closing in on 30. We divorced and now we are both remarried and very happy with our new spouses. I hurt him at the time but it was the best thing for everyone. It takes a lot of courage to admit a mistake and correct it, even if it means hurting someone you care about in the short-term. He'll thank you later on. Good luck.


You made a mistake. Anyone can.

But! Rose Petal made a concious decision to use another person. There is the difference.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

She's on this board asking what she should do.
I don't see just complaining that she wants free.
She hasn't been disparaging towards him or demeaned him.

She's said she has no issue with the facts that he's gained weight or that she has to support him.
Though I believe its a bigger issue than she realizes.

No woman wants to have to support a fat, aging, broke man. That's not a sexual turn on.
And it can kill the loving feelings she's had.



mineforever said:


> She admitts she married him to get out of a abusive home, she admits he helped her get thar education /career....so where is the...we went to MC or we've been working on trying to build romance or we are trying to spice up the sex life. I don't see any of that in the posts just complaining that she wants free.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

aribabe said:


> Rose Petals,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree. It's not sexy to have a man in an inferior position. You should at least be equals.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

That's where I'm confused...
How did she use him any more than he has "used" her.

She's financially supporting him, having sex with him though she is not attracted to him, and dealing with all his other "quirks". As I'm sure he deals with hers.

I don't see a situation here where some poor man has been taken to the cleaners by some mean ol' battle ax.
I see a woman who made a mistake and married too young to the wrong person.
That's life.
It doesn't make her a user.



MattMatt said:


> You have helped me see where my vindictiveness comes from. It is not because he is another man (clearly, you really, really haven't read many of my posts!) it is the fact that I resent anyone, man or woman, being taken advantage of, or as the Australians say, having the rip taken out of them, especially by someone they should be able to trust. I resent users.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Inferior position...wow really! So what your attraction for a person is based on his wallet. No wonder men feel like we are only in it for financal security. Really in this day and age? I thought we had evolved farther than that ladies!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mineforever said:


> Inferior position...wow really! So what your attraction for a person is based on his wallet. No wonder men feel like we are only in it for financal security. Really in this day and age? I thought we had evolved farther than that ladies!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others...


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## denisefire (Dec 2, 2012)

Rose Petal

Sounds like their is still love and friendship there. I think you have to go back and think and try to remember what drew you together in the beginning of your relationship or friendship. You mentioned that you married him to escape abuse. It sounds like he was there for you when you needed him the most, and that's what a true friend does. He also sounds understanding your feelings of no physical attraction to him. It sounds like he is patient , forgiving , in tune with your feelings, sensitive to your needs. You are also sensitive to his needs as well, as you have sex with him even though you don't enjoy it. I don't know what kind of abuse you endured or escaped from, but it could very well be related to what happened to you. Even if was not sexual abuse, physical or verbal abuse can be just as damaging. I could very well be even if he was good looking, you may only see the ugliness from your perception of what occurred in your past. I think if you want to pass this block like your husband says and want to save your marriage and feel attracted to your husband a therapist would help you with the issues you ran from and heal those wounds. Then you can focus on the positive things in your marriage and your husband may start looking more appealing to you and everything will fall in to place. Let's just say for example: if your husband was very attractive when you met and married. Then something tragic happened to him that he became disfigured, but he still is all the things you love and adored about him. Would your love change and not want to make love anymore with him ? I am not judging , i just wanted to give you something to think about. Beauty is only skin deep, but love last forever. And trust me it is hard to find faithful and loving long life partners.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> That's where I'm confused...
> How did she use him any more than he has "used" her.
> 
> She's financially supporting him, having sex with him though she is not attracted to him, and dealing with all his other "quirks". As I'm sure he deals with hers.
> ...


Pardon me Aribabe, what makes Rose Petal a user is *her own admission* that she used him to escape from a poor home life.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I am attracted to my husband for many reasons.
His financial success being one of them.

Feminisim hasn't beat the the femininity out of me.
So no, I haven't evolved out of that.
I need my man to be a MAN.
And that includes indulging in masculine persuits, like power and position.




mineforever said:


> Inferior position...wow really! So what your attraction for a person is based on his wallet. No wonder men feel like we are only in it for financal security. Really in this day and age? I thought we had evolved farther than that ladies!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

She married him young to get out of an abusive home....
Financially supported him along the way
And that makes her a user?

Is he a user as well?
Allowing his wife to financially support him?

I see a use for use relationship here.
EVERY relationship is a use for use relationship.

That's the purpose of marriage.
I use your attributes, and you use mine for the betterment of each other and our union.



MattMatt said:


> Pardon me Aribabe, what makes Rose Petal a user is *her own admission* that she used him to escape from a poor home life.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

aribabe said:


> That's where I'm confused...
> How did she use him any more than he has "used" her.
> 
> She's financially supporting him, having sex with him though she is not attracted to him, and dealing with all his other "quirks". As I'm sure he deals with hers.
> ...


She states in her original post..
"I married my husband right out of high school. We've been married for over ten years now. I married him so young mainly to escape an abusive household. I enjoy his company and think of him as as a close friend, but I've never viewed him as a sexual partner in all the years that we've been married."

She never was in love or attracted to him...so what has changed? Somehow I dought he married her because he felt no attraction to her....but she married him that way. I guess I don't see any desire from her to really work on fixing what is wrong in the relationship. I seems more like wanting validation that she should leave...not that she shouldn't cause I think it might be best because I don't think her heart has ever been in this relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Augh!!!!! We're just arguing here....we're not giving her any helpful advice. I am bowing out...I'll just agree to disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mineforever said:


> She states in her original post..
> "I married my husband right out of high school. We've been married for over ten years now. I married him so young mainly to escape an abusive household. I enjoy his company and think of him as as a close friend, but I've never viewed him as a sexual partner in all the years that we've been married."
> 
> She never was in love or attracted to him...so what has changed? Somehow I dought he married her because he felt no attraction to her....but she married him that way. I guess I don't see any desire from her to really work on fixing what is wrong in the relationship. I seems more like wanting validation that she should leave...not that she shouldn't cause I think it might be best because* I don't think her heart has ever been in this relationship.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless, of course, that is how she is now re-remembering the history of their marriage?


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

aribabe said:


> She's not going to have to pay alimony.
> No judge is going to award alimony to a healthy, middle aged man that has a job, that is also without children._Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you a lawyer? Because this is not very good legal advice, at least in my state.

Here are some general periodical articles about this point:

Alimony: Women Increasingly Paying Alimony To Their Ex Husbands

Women Increasingly Paying Alimony - Forbes.com

Equality is equality, folks.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

In my opinion any spouse that chooses divorce without even bothering to TRY to work out the marriage is a user, selfish, and probably a liar. Why? Because there is absolutely nothing to lose by attempting to fix things...so what person in their right mind wouldn't even TRY?

Someone who has an agenda. Someone that doesn't care about the feelings of an innocent person. Someone that only cares about themselves.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> Alimony: Women Increasingly Paying Alimony To Their Ex Husbands
> 
> Women Increasingly Paying Alimony - Forbes.com
> 
> Equality is equality, folks.


Wow.. sad


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

aribabe said:


> I think she means seeing him as more masculine man
> 
> Some men have a feminine energy that would be off putting to a woman that also has a feminine energy.
> 
> ...


Thanks for clarifying that for Him. I'm not sure what he was trying to say by criticizing me in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

aribabe said:


> I think that you're a man, and seeing another man being slighted, in your opinion, by a woman, upsets you and that's what's bringing out the vindictiveness.


Based on many of the posts I've read from you aribabe, the same can be said about you regarding women.



aribabe said:


> She's not going to have to pay alimony.
> No judge is going to award alimony to a healthy, middle aged man that has a job, that is also without children.


As others have pointed out, this is a fallacy. Women are paying alimony on a rapidly increasing rate in divorces. Whether or not a man is middle aged, healthy, and has a job or not makes as much difference to a man as it does to a woman usually now. 



LadyOfTheLake said:


> I agree. It's not sexy to have a man in an inferior position. You should at least be equals.


How often in a marriage are both people 'equals'? Usually they aren't. As such, someone always has the 'superior' position. So in your mind the man must always be superior or equal, or he's unattractive? As well, if the man is superior, doesn't that make the women inferior? Do you really want to be thought of as inferior?



john_lord_b3 said:


> Wow.. sad


Please explain how john.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Please explain how john.


Just a bit of cultural shock. In my country, in case of divorce, usually parting money and child support is given by the ex-husband to the ex-wife. 

I have heard about alimony from ex-wife to ex-husband before, but actually reading those articles gave me, well, a little bit of cultural shock.

Don't worry, I'll overcome the shock later.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Just a bit of cultural shock. In my country, in case of divorce, usually parting money and child support is given by the ex-husband to the ex-wife.
> 
> I have heard about alimony from ex-wife to ex-husband before, but actually reading those articles gave me, well, a little bit of cultural shock.
> 
> Don't worry, I'll overcome the shock later.


Shocks fine, but sadness?

There's nothing wrong with making it equal both ways. To decide one spouse is worthy of spousal support because she has a vagina while the other isn't because he has a penis is thinking straight out a historical textbook, not grounded in the modern framework of our society.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Shocks fine, but sadness?
> 
> There's nothing wrong with making it equal both ways. To decide one spouse is worthy of spousal support because she has a vagina while the other isn't because he has a penis is thinking straight out a historical textbook, not grounded in the modern framework of *our society*.


Good points.. our culture are very different..

That concept of spousal support from ex-wife to ex-husband are alien in my country, it is totally abnormal when viewed by my cultural expectation...

But, in your (Western) cultural context, if your people wants equality, making it all-out equal both ways.. sounds logical.

Thank you for the enlightenment!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I feel sorry for some of the inequalities in your society that you have mentioned during your time on this board john. And those seem to go both ways (male and female).

I'm not putting down your society, as I'm sure it works well in many ways, and I'm sure you feel sorry for some of the things we have to deal with over here as well. It's always nice to discuss these things. Sorry for jumping down your throat slightly earlier.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

She was 18 years old and in an abusive home. Maybe she "used" him but give the poor woman a break! I'm sure she didn't enter this marriage with a malicious intention of "using" him. She was young and just wanted some stability and comfort that her good friend gave her. 

I repeat my earlier question - What is really best for her husband at this point? For the OP to continue faking it and wasting more of his time, or let him go find someone else?

Everyone seems so focused on her mistake. What's done is done. She didn't come here to be bashed. She came here honestly looking for advice on what to do NEXT. Jeez.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

wilderness said:


> there is absolutely nothing to lose by attempting to fix things...


I'm not suggesting people shouldn't try to work things out before calling it quits but this statement is not true. The one thing we stand to lose by attempting to fix things is the most precious commodity of all...TIME. 

As the song go's, "You gotta know when to hold em...and know when to fold em."


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

> I feel sorry for some of the inequalities in your society that you have mentioned during your time on this board john. And those seem to go both ways (male and female).
> 
> I'm not putting down your society, as I'm sure it works well in many ways, and I'm sure you feel sorry for some of the things we have to deal with over here as well. It's always nice to discuss these things. Sorry for jumping down your throat slightly earlier.


No apologies necessary, Mr. Kingsfan. I am here to learn about your culture as well. TAM is a treasure trove of lessons learned and best practices. Many interesting information, important new concepts and alternate views. All for free  Life is good 

And your input is always appreciated! :smthumbup:


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

It is coded in every womens DNA to seek out and reproduce with a fit, strong, healthy male who can provide and protect her and ultimately transfer his good genes to her children.

Since your husband does not attract you (his DNA does not appeal to you or is not wanted by your body) and he does not support you...I am afraid you have married a man scraped up from the bottom of the gene pool! (according to your bodies subliminal criteria)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Carlchurchill said:


> *It is coded in every womens DNA to seek out and reproduce with a fit, strong, healthy male who can provide and protect her and ultimately transfer his good genes to her children.*
> 
> Since your husband does not attract you (his DNA does not appeal to you or is not wanted by your body) and he does not support you...I am afraid you have married a man scraped up from the bottom of the gene pool! (according to your bodies subliminal criteria)


EVERY women huh? Explain homosexuality then.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

IF you end up leaving him, even if you don't have to, I think the morally decent thing would be to provide him gratuitous alimony for a year or two.. just something to help him get on his feet, maybe while he looks for a higher paying job. Maybe, you could help him get through some school, a trade that pays better perhaps. Electricians get paid well where I live. He has done nothing wrong from what you say and doesn't deserve the pain he would certainly feel if you left him. 

If he truly is your best friend and you love him like family then I don't see how you could consider NOT doing that for him...please have compassion. 

However, if you would like some advice for how to build attraction so that you don't HAVE to divorce then you really have to be honest with him. You have to tell him that you don't find him physically attractive. 

If his face doesn't turn you on maybe him having a smoking hot muscular body would balance it out. Gym 5 days a week for him. IT's really up to him at this point and I think the only fair thing to do is give him a chance to fight against what at this point he doesn't realize is an issue. Also, if him having a bigger dong would help he can visit Penis Gym - Get the Penis YOU WANT .. its a forum like this one but for men to learn how to exercise their thingy for slow gradual long-term growth. Seems to work but takes a real commitment and time everyday.

When he realizes how serious it is and that you are considering leaving, his motivation to self-improve will likely skyrocket.


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

I'm actually getting a really good laugh out of this thread. It seems to have taken on a serious life of its own!

Me and my husband are now separated. I will be officially divorced on paper in 3 month  I can not imagine life any happier than it is now. The sense of freedom is amazing! I cannot believe I was trapped for that long.

We are still good friends and remain in touch. I recently went back to school full time to be a graduate student to further my education. I do not need or want him to support me while I'm in school. I also do not have any money to give him in alimony. We divided our assets amicably and went on with our separate lives.

For those of you who say I've been cruel to him: Well for most of our marriage, he was either between jobs, going to school (failed out of classes), working very part time, and spending a lot of time playing online computer games, while I was working full time to support our lifestyle. 

Think what you will but it is what it is. I'm in a very happy place right now


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm really glad to hear this rose petal,

I wish you all the best in finding the right partner for you.
Him too.



rose petal said:


> I'm actually getting a really good laugh out of this thread. It seems to have taken on a serious life of its own!
> 
> Me and my husband are now separated. I will be officially divorced on paper in 3 month  I can not imagine life any happier than it is now. The sense of freedom is amazing! I cannot believe I was trapped for that long.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

rose petal said:


> I'm actually getting a really good laugh out of this thread. It seems to have taken on a serious life of its own!
> 
> Me and my husband are now separated. I will be officially divorced on paper in 3 month  I can not imagine life any happier than it is now. The sense of freedom is amazing! I cannot believe I was trapped for that long.
> 
> ...


I'm curious if you could ellaborate on which state you are in, since you must not be in Canada. In your original post, you asked about growing old with him, and now 4 weeks later you'll be divorced in just three months? In Canada, you must be seperated for one full year before you can become divorced. I wasn't aware you could be divorced so quickly in the states.

Also, with alimony, it may not matter that you have no money to provide him (once again, depending on where you are living). Alimony is representative of the standard of living provided up to that point. In that regard, it is similar to child support. For example, my ex-wife pays me child support of close to $800 a month. If she left her job, she would still be expected to pay that amount (or have in accumulate in arrears and face possible legal action) because she is capable of providing that amount but choosing not to. And going to school is a choice. I believe the only time this would change for her is if she was incapable of earning that same amount of money, such as if she was laid off or became to ill to work.

Again, this could be offset by whatever divorce papers you sign, assuming he waives his right to alimony. 

Be sure to have him waive it btw. He could come back for it years down the line. Someone I know left his ex-wife over 20 years ago, and she verbally agreed to not go after him for alimony or his pension. She ended up on welfare due to a disability about a year ago and the government made her seek out alternative means to suppliment her income (standard practice now in Canada, they want to be the last resort for income). They found out she hadn't dismissed any claims for alimony and the pension and cut her off of her welfare claim until she agreed to try and get alimony from her ex-husband. In the end she got a sizeable amount, made even larger because she had technically 19 years of back pay owing to her for the eyars he wasn't paying any, even though she hadn't requested any either. And she wasn't even trying to go for the throat like a lot of ex's do, she was just going along with what the courts insisted by their guidelines in cases like that. If your ex-husband turns bitter, look out.

So cover your butt, you just never know what could come. I hope you talked to a lawyer btw about this.

And I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. Even though I myself am divorced, I never like to see anyone else go through this. I hope it continues to work out as well for you as you proclaim it has thus far.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Awesome. We can only provide advice based on the info you gave and the info you JUST provided paints a very different picture than the one you painted 2 months ago... so. if you are going to go on an anonymous forum you may as well be forthcoming with your descriptions (unless I skipped some pages).


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

I wasn't forthcoming because I didn't want to paint a bad picture of him. On hindsight, there's probably a lot of resentment on my part for working so hard while he didn't step up to the plate. He's gotten better within the last year, but again the attraction/chemistry simply wasn't there. 

State laws must be different then. Because June was the month that my lawyer told me will be our court date for the official divorce date


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

That's fair.. but we don't know him so you wouldn't be sullying his name and if you don't you put all relevant details on her you won't get any advice that is relevant to your situation. 

There is a difference between not being attracted to someone because they are lazy and not taking control of their life rather than because they are simply unattractive and in the "friend-zone". 

BUT, it's all a moot point now. You guys are separated and you're doing well. You say he's improving. That's good for him. Hopefully he keeps it up.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

It's funny how men and women generally want different things from their mate. I dont know if Ive ever heard a single story of a husband losing attraction, building resentment and divorcing their wife because they weren't successful enough out in the real world. It is common for women to feel this way though... maybe it all goes back to Briffault's Law. lol. I bet you'll love that one.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Yes your post really did take on a life if its own!

It sounds like a healthy outcome and I'm happy you can both be amicable and move forward to better times. I'm sure some will continue to attack and judge but I truly believe, given the information you shared, you will both be happier and you did what was right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> It's funny how men and women generally want different things from their mate. I dont know if Ive ever heard a single story of a husband losing attraction, building resentment and divorcing their wife because they weren't successful enough out in the real world. It is common for women to feel this way though... maybe it all goes back to Briffault's Law. lol. I bet you'll love that one.


To a degree I did.

My ex-wife was a teacher. I followed her to several remote communities for her career as she got it established. However, once we got the community we are in now, she didn't want to teach there. She felt she didn't fit in, and she wanted to move again. We had agreed that we wouldn't (this community is our home community and where both side sof our family are and our oldest was starting school, plus we had just bought a house) so I pushed and we ended up staying. But then she cut herself back down to aprt time and then eventually quit so she could stay at home and babysit kids, of which she ended up only having one child which brought in about $400 a month, or $4,800 a year. As a teacher she made nearly $70,000 a month. She insisted we'd live off what I made because that was enough and that as a mom, she should be able to stay home if she wanted too.

In essence she tossed aside all the things we planned to do financially because she refused to work. 

It wasn't the only reason we divorced, but it was a huge issue with me. I left her about a year after she elected to give up her job so she could sit at home and do nothing.

Now money isn't the sole thing I look for in a women by any stretch, in fact it's likely so far down the list I barely look at it, but it is importnat. My fiancee went back to school in order to get a better job, and once she's back at work it's huge to me that she stays at work. It provides some measure of security if I should lose my job and it gives us a chance to pay off our mortgage earlier and move on to the more fun things in life, like travelling. I would be very upset and may even leave if she elected to to do what my ex did and give up the job she's training for for a lower paying job down the road.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> To a degree I did.
> 
> My ex-wife was a teacher. I followed her to several remote communities for her career as she got it established. However, once we got the community we are in now, she didn't want to teach there. She felt she didn't fit in, and she wanted to move again. We had agreed that we wouldn't (this community is our home community and where both side sof our family are and our oldest was starting school, plus we had just bought a house) so I pushed and we ended up staying. But then she cut herself back down to aprt time and then eventually quit so she could stay at home and babysit kids, of which she ended up only having one child which brought in about $400 a month, or $4,800 a year. As a teacher she made nearly $70,000 a month. She insisted we'd live off what I made because that was enough and that as a mom, she should be able to stay home if she wanted too.
> 
> ...


I stand corrected.. in fact thank you. I should probably start thinking more along those lines myself as in we should have equal responsibility for income generation. I sometime feel that it is MY responsibility to make sure we have the high income down the line (hence why I went back to school) and her responsibility to simply be productive with her time, whether it be SAM, normal job or her photography business. I didnt push her to get a job so she could pursue her photography and grow that business at a time when we really needed more income because I was in school (my last semester actually). Since then her business has grown and is doing decently but a normal job throughout these past 2 years would have put us in a much better place financially today. I wouldnt see this as okay for myself, why did I see this as okay for her?


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

This is so sad, what happens if he tries to get her back... and tries to make it work before the divorce if final. Has he asked about MC? What was the reason you gave to him you wanted a divorce? What was his reaction? =( 
I thought this site was about marriage, why instantly go to divorce?
You have three months before the court date? Both people in this marriage have wasted enough time not doing anything, could you both actually try? Don't marriage vows mean anything?

Does the husband want to work to try and salvage this marriage?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Cobre said:


> This is so sad, what happens if he tries to get her back... and tries to make it work before the divorce if final. Has he asked about MC? What was the reason you gave to him you wanted a divorce? What was his reaction? =(
> I thought this site was about marriage, why instantly go to divorce?
> You have three months before the court date? Both people in this marriage have wasted enough time not doing anything, could you both actually try? Don't marriage vows mean anything?
> 
> Does the husband want to work to try and salvage this marriage?


It IS sad. Marriage means nothing to so many people these days. The foundation of society, the institution of family (read: marriages), is falling apart. No one wants to admit their own selfishness and that they are part of the problem... Rome is falling because of moral and intellectual debasement. 

Also,

Isn't it 70% of divorces are now initiated by women? Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman not sufficiently provided for.

70%... I'm sticking with Briffault's Law


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Well, I don't suppose this view will be popular, but if there are no children of the marriage the institution of family argument falls down rather. If a couple were in a long term relationship, as opposed to a marriage, would there be the same outcry if they split rather than trying to salvage the relationship?

If the relationship really has broken down, attempting to salvage it may be rather like removing a crumpled up photograph from the wastebasket and flattening it back out again. The creases will always be there.


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