# Need Some Advice Please



## Heat9901 (Dec 3, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for almost nine years, and have been together almost twelve years. We were highschool sweethearts. We have three young daughters and what I thought was a normal relationship. 

This last week my wife went out with her girlfriends and did not come home untill four in the morning. I have since found that she cheated on me and when I confronted her she adimently denies it. This is the second time that she has cheated. The first time I stayed for all the normal reasons love,kids ect. This time I am ready to file for divorce but am reluctant as for the well being of the kids, and the fact that I am still in love with her, but really mad at the same time.

I am wondering how to fix this and make her realize the seriousness of this and the hurt it has caused without destroying what is left of our family life and marriage.

Thanks in advance for any advice.


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

You say that she denies it. How do you know for certain that she cheated on you?


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## Heat9901 (Dec 3, 2009)

She left an email open on the computer which I read.


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

My wife lied to me for 12 years about cheating. As long as I let her off the hook by not forcing the issue, she continued to act as if nothing had happened.

The other guy's x-wife emailed me in July. I got really suspicious and checked my wife's cell phone records. I found that she had been communicating with the guy as far back as the online records showed, over a year. I showed her the records. Than I told her this:

"Right now our marriage is at the lowest point it has ever been. When I get home from work tonight, I will expect you to tell me everything. If you tell me that nothing is going on, and I choose to believe you, but then I found out later down the road that you have been lying to me...our marriage will be over..immediately. But if you will tell me the whole truth tonight when I get home from work, I promise you I will try to work it out if you are willing to." I meant every word of it.

That night she told me everything. It was horrible. It was worse than I thought. But we have worked it out because she took me serious and the thing that kept her from telling me before was she was afraid I would leave her and also, of course, she was full of guilt. By assuring her that telling me the truth would give us hope of working it out, I got the answers I needed.

...for what it's worth


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

If you want, it may help you to read my entire thread under "Long Term Success In Marriage" the thread is "How We Overcame Adultery"..good luck


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## Heat9901 (Dec 3, 2009)

Thanks for the advice..... I have been on here all day doing some research and have found it a little helpfull to post on here and get it off my chest.


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## 2havfunmum (Dec 3, 2009)

You need to find out for sure if she really did cheat before giving it all up. The only other thing is if the trust is broken it is very hard to ever get back. Try taking her somewhere to chat and communicate with each other where there are no cell phone or kid interruptions and if in a restaurant make it a quiet one, the other option is have someone look after the kids outside of the home and take the home phone off the hook and spend a night at home. Tell her how you feel and what you are thinking then she might be honest with you and start opening up herself. If you still love her then it doesn't hurt to try all you can. Now if this does not work then it might be best for the kids that you separate as the kids will pick up on the tension in the household and not understand. If this happens you will also need to be honest with the kids and I have learnt from experience it is always better to be honest and then they will be much more understanding. Good luck!!:smthumbup:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its not good. Your wife is a serial cheater. And the sad thing is, because she will not admit to it. She is guaranteed to cheat again. She has no reason to stop. Take her off all joint accounts. Cancel all credit cards and file for divorce. You need to protect yourself. You don't have to go through with it, but she must be made to admit it. Tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph test for her.


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## Eriwilnel (Dec 3, 2009)

I know all of the screws and wheels are turning right now in your head. You have that spouse instinct telling you something is wrong. You found an email, she stayed out until 4:00 A.M. You think where there is smoke there must be fire right? Unfortunately for betrayed spouses when they start to feel this way they are often right. I will tell you your wife is not going to confess any wrong doing until she 1. feels remorse and wants to (does not happen often) or 2. She is faced with overwhelming proof of her adultery (much more likely to happen) Stop pressuring her for the truth. Tell her you could be over reacting. Assure her you love her and apologize for snooping and drawing conclusions. You know your wife very well, if there is an emotional affair going on it will not be hard for you to discover. Cell phone, computer recording software, lies and lies and more lies. Emotional affairs are discovered pretty quick once the betrayed spouse gets that gut feeling. On the contrary if your wife went out on the town with the girls and got intoxicated and had a one nighter you are likely to never know for sure. She will not tell you, her friends will not tell you, it will be something you can worry about or move through. If the E-mail was incriminating she may try to lie about what it was really regarding. I hope you discover for sure you definately deserve the truth. Just do not expect her to all of a sudden come clean. I do know this,, if she is displaying extreme sarcasm to your inquiries that is a sure sign of denial. Does not prove anything but could motivate you to keep your eyes open.
You really have to be sure.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Heat9901 said:


> She left an email open on the computer which I read.


That is in no way accidental. She wants to be confronted. Do so asap.


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## Heat9901 (Dec 3, 2009)

Again thank you for all the advice it has been a rough day and this has really helped alot. I plan on confronting her later tonight or tomorow depending on our time alone. Hopefully this will work out because I do still love her.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Atholk said:


> That is in no way accidental. She wants to be confronted. Do so asap.


Couldn't agree more, if she's not making a more concerted effort to hide her actions she likely wants to be caught and doesn't know how to confront you with her issues. That's a good sign, although the fact that this isn't the first time needs to be taken seriously and you should really try to dig to the root of the issue in your relationship because if you don't it's likely to keep happening. Maybe counseling, but that's up to your individual situation. Sorry man.


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## 2havfunmum (Dec 3, 2009)

good luck!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I believe 2 things need to happen in order to move forward with your marriage. She needs to be totally open and honest with you about what happened & you both need to talk about why she has done this more than once within your marriage.

If she feels she missed out since being together since high school, this may happen again down the road unless she can get to the point to realize that there really isn't greener grass out there...maybe there are things within your relationship where she is not feeling fulfilled...whatever the reason, you need to understand it.


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