# Angry Husbands and Verbal Abuse



## carouselchick (Dec 27, 2010)

I have always experienced this with my husband throughout our marriage...When he's upset at anyone he looses his cool and starts swearing bad.

Recently as my husband is losing his job and is very stressful for both of us, he refuses to cut back on food for HIS children (my step children). I asked him to cut back on specifically lunchmeat because the kids have plenty of other stuff to eat for lunches while they are home for Christmas break, he lost his mind and yelled at me saying F-you several times and then took back a coat he bought me for Christmas saying buy your own coat b**ch. 

This is not the first time and expects that all he has to do is say sorry in a text (the only way he will communicate when upset) and all is back to normal, after leaving the house all night.

What do I do?? I can't live like this, he says he's working on it but it's always my fault.

Help!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> he says he's working on it but it's always my fault


Are the two of you in counseling? Does he actually say the words, "I'm working on it, but it is your fault?" Or does he say "I'm working on it," and then you assume he means it is your fault?

Just trying to clarify.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

This is not nice not unless you are as verbal as him this can be quite shocking , maybe you should leave the house for a night or a few weeks see how he likes that . sorry but also think it's hard to break the habit of being abusive , it depends on how much you love him and how hard you are willing to put up with or how much time you are willing to spend on councilling before you decide you deserve better . good luck


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## carouselchick (Dec 27, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Are the two of you in counseling? Does he actually say the words, "I'm working on it, but it is your fault?" Or does he say "I'm working on it," and then you assume he means it is your fault?
> 
> Just trying to clarify.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I don't know what to tell you to do.

I live with the same thing, but it is due to a brain injury.

But I'm tired of it too, the insults, the criticism, the "you can't do anything right", the name calling, etc.

Makes you wonder why they stay with us when we're so stupid and incapable of doing anything right - huh?


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## carouselchick (Dec 27, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Are the two of you in counseling? Does he actually say the words, "I'm working on it, but it is your fault?" Or does he say "I'm working on it," and then you assume he means it is your fault?
> 
> Just trying to clarify.


I finally got him to go to marriage counseling for a consult, but cannot afford to go without insurance. Even the Dr. mentioned that he was an angry man.
As far as it being my fault; he turns it around on me. Any right any topic...I blame him and he blames me. We both are clueless as to how the other views our actions. He says he's working on it after every fight and if only seems to get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There are really good books and websites about improving communication. You can get a lot of free information on the web or at a library; I know the insurance thing sucks!

Also, does he recognize that he is angry a lot? Can you ask him about it, in a way that comes across as supportive? What would happen if you told him you love him and you think he has a lot of stress and frustration that you don't understand the cause of, and you don't want him having a heart attack from caring such burdens all by himself? Often people are angry about situations that have nothing to do with the people they take it out on. If you can help him see you as a support for things that frustrate him (possibly work related), he might stop using you as the "safe outlet" for his anger and be able to reveal his fears, anger, and concern without it being an attack. It's a hard thing for some people to learn, to trust their spouse with feelings and thoughts that they fear will make the spouse dislike or reject them. So letting him know he can trust you NOT to judge him, not to wig out if he tells you something upsetting (like, his job is at risk). If he can learn to see you as a safe harbor rather than a whipping boy, maybe that will help. Sounds like he wants to improve, which is a good sign.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

The most important fact is that he recognises that he is angry and is willing to change. If he is, then the best place to do it would be through counselling or programmes (perpertrator's programmes). If these are not an option because of cost, maybe through self help books or online.

If he does not admit he is wrong, then it could be that you just have to put up with it. But also bear in mind that verbal abuse could change into physical abuse. Verbal/emotional/psychological abuse is just as dangerous as physical if not more, because it wears you down, affects your mental health and well being. If it's doing this to you, what about the effects on your children?


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## Cinta (Dec 29, 2010)

I have found a website called For Your Marriage helpful. I hope that it may offer you some assistance.


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## SoCalMark (Dec 31, 2010)

Male species here -- I have never understood this. You can do so much damage with vulgar expletives. I don't use them and I don't need them. I remember someone telling me once that you should never do anything that hurts the person you love. Have you ever told him that it hurts you when he uses those words towards you? Explaining the hurt that it does? Of course, letting him know this long after his anger has subsided.


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

This mean that whatever he do to you you still love him...Ask yourself can you take it anymore? Can you live with it? If everytime this happened you still forgive him. Thats what his thinking that whatever he will say to you, you will still forgive him. And thats abusive.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I want to thank you ladies for posting this as my wife, during our divorce, accused me of verbal abuse - your stories - "You can't do anything right." and all that. . .that's real abuse (esp. if it's all the time).

It gets to the point I really don't even talk to her, even about the kids, because what happens is

A. She'll engage me.
B. I'll try to disengage
C. Finally, I'll fire back.
D. She'll then cry, "Verbal abuse" (in court motions, to her father)

I recently called her with an agenda on the kids - she needed extra days covered. I sat there with my planner and after about 5 minutes. . .I thought, "Wow. . .we did it. We had a conversation about the kids and no fight." Then she started to ask me when I was going to move back. I said, "Well, I was thinking March 1rst."

"March 1rst!!!!!. . ." and then she started to lay into me. Now, mind you, March 1rst was a conservative estimate. . .I was actually going to shoot for middle of Feb. (she's anxious for me to take the kids more and co-parent) but I have to get this old klunker of a house ready.

She then starts crying the child support isn't enough and how I made things difficult when she had a boyfriend. I calmly said, "Yeah, I admit, during our divorce, that exacerbated things. But I wish you both the best of luck now." 

She was not used to anyone firing back for 15 years and now I do; I now set boundaries. 

I called her the "C-word" when she said she wasn't going to let me have the kids for x-mas (x-mas eve or x-mas). WHile it was wrong for me to say that to the mother of my kids, everyone agreed, that was "c-like" behavior, which is what I should have said - "Ex-wife, your behavior is c-like." (that was the first time in my life I ever used that word to a woman)

But that's just it - men are supposed to take it, not dish it out.

I"ve tried to just get her back on email with communication but she refuses.

I think she's going to have a breakdown soon actually.


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## yankeesladie38 (Jan 25, 2011)

Wow I been through the same thing for couple of yrs or longer the verbal abuse n the name calling we constantly go at each others throats back n forth. He will tell me to go f myself n everything its horrible. Even sometimes I will ask him sometimes where's he going n tells me don't worry about n he don't have to me **** he says to me n this why he's tired of me and wants to alone now. It was never like that before though I don't understand it myself unless he's goin through a mid life crisis he's 42 yrs old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 123docsgirl (Jan 29, 2011)

I have been in a very verbally and sexually abusive marriage for 17 years. 2.5 years ago I told him he had to take a job in CA or we would just get divorced then but the kids and I were not going to be treated like that anymore. He took the job in CA and I got a boyfriend. He did not know this. He asked me for divorce in Oct. I was so relieved. We live in Tn. When he found out that my best friend was really my boyfriend, he threatened to put a restraining order on my boyfriend pertaining to the kids. My boyfriend is really the only Dad that my kids know. Very loving, kind, good man. My husband said that he didn't want to do that because he knows my boyfriend is a good man and has been very good and loving to us so no restraining order was drawn up. Now that it is getting closer to the divorce court date, he is threatening to put the restraining order on my boyfriend if I do not retract all of the interogitory questions that my attorney will be asking my husband in court. He has been convicted of domestic violence, DUI and has three restraining orders against him. He wants me to just let him take everything away from the kids and I. He lives with his parents in their mansion, has no vehicle payments and makes 97 thousand dollars per year as an engineer. Can he put a restraining order on my boyfriend in the State of Tennessee even though he has done nothing wrong? He did state to me tonight that he will be lying under oath about the rape. This man forced me to do things and watched in a side mirror in the bathroom. While I was choking and gagging trying to get away, he laughed at me and told me to grow up and learn how to swallow. He is a real creep. The kids have requested zero visitation. They are afraid of him.


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