# Please help: my husband will not defend or stand up for me-now I'm in a hotel



## DalaiMama

I'm stuck in a hotel trying to process what has happened to my life and how to move forward while not putting my poor three small children through any more abuse and coldness. 

I am divorced from a good man- it was just a sad story of nine miscarriages and multiple deployments to the wars (we were both army combat vets)...it got too much and its just sad. However, I began a new life with what I thought was a perfect man. He pursued me, told me he loved me first, proposed and married me. I lived in Colorado Springs, a heavily military town and he lived an hour north in Denver. I have been affiliated with the military all of my professional and adult life. I have an MBA and have fought to be a good, hardworking and successful citizen despite having an abusive childhood and no family relationships outside of my three children. This man, Paul, treated me like a princess and I felt so wonderful with him; however, now that I look back there were a few red flags that could have identified him as insecure, over-analyzing and incredibly intense with a placid, non-social exterior. He had few friends and seemed incredibly attached to his children which I thought was wonderful but now seems a bit unnatural, as if he tried so hard to be their friend, to avoid conflict or decisiveness and not their father. He also showed flashes of narcissism and irresponsibility with regards to drinking (he had driven drunk at least three times and I almost didn't marry him as I was concerned he had a problem). He seemed to have a problem with insecurity as well, and also (this seems small but not to me) he showed no interest in voting or being involved with what is going on in our world...apathy. As a moderate, I didn't care which way he rolled, I just wanted him to_ roll_. Also, he is amazingly passive aggressive and conflict avoidant; even his now seventeen year old daughter stated that he one of the most passive aggressive people she has ever seen. 
His ex wife cheated on him after fourteen years and married the man she had been sleeping with on his bed while he was at work; but he is still very devoted to her and shows real control issues, like getting mad when I got Skype on my computer bc that is 'how she found HIM'. She (Jane) lives twenty minutes away and they co-parented. She exerts an inordinate amount of control (though not consciously) over him- because he appears to prioritize her in every way. There is a lot of rawness there that given Paul's core personality will never, ever leave.

Well to make a long story a little shorter, some of the heartbreaks of the last year (we have now been married a year) include:

-He changed LITERALLY overnight when we got married. The man I thought he was morphed into full fledged versions of the red flags I have highlighted. 

-He is passive aggressive and uses guilt as a weapon when have disagreements with me. (I'll qualify this more later)

-He doesn't believe in 'having a united front' and will often immediately side with his children while leaving me alone; by this I mean that he believes in parenting independently and everyone having their own opinion- he will often disagree with me on an issue in front of me (even if I say 'go to bed', he respond with 'but they don't need to...') as a simple example and not even have a clue that this is wrong. And the children exploit this. 

-As a condition of marriage, he promised to have a child with me, as I was having health problems including a blood disorder and this was my last chance to try for a child. I really believed in this and went into the essence of our marriage. He changed after this and besides saying cruel and terrible things, also promised for months that he may or may not love me or the baby if I 'forced' him to have a baby. I was pushed into having a hysterectomy by him and as I was led away on the gurney I was crying out to him. Didn't matter: woke up with my uterus gone. I held out hope until the last. But he insisted that when I asked him to love me unconditionally that 'what is love really' would be his answer and that who ever really knows if they are going to love something two years down the road. It broke my heart, but to be fair he has since apologized and said he was wrong. However, a nagging part of me thinks it is because now that the threat is gone and I am sterile, he can do damage control in safety. 

-His three children are teenagers except one who is ten. Because I come from a different culture of old fashioned values and respect for elders, I do not understand how Paul has raised them, proudly saying that he taught them how to think for themselves. Quite honestly I would call them mouthy, disrespectful and argumentative. This is not a slam on them but on their dad. I taught my kids to say 'yes ma'am and no sir', so has their father. I have since stopped it because paul will openly laugh at it when I try to correct them. The 10 year old, when told he could not go out with his friends, threated to kill himself and Paul went nuts, yelling 'this is all because of our relationship!' and generally falling to pieces. He failed to recognize what I thought of as manipulative behavior and turned on me. the ten year old is angry and once pleaded to play rated M games because, 'If I can play a game where I can kill people I won't have to kill them in real life'. I told this to Paul as I was alarmed and he said he would get Alexander help- he never did. I'm worried about him. I don't even think he told Jane even though I asked him to.

-I wasn't even given a chance. The day after the wedding, Elaina (sixteen) told him she was moving out rather than deal with the new situation and my three small children. Paul fell apart and said that his decision to marry me destroyed his family. It tore me to pieces. He reiterated it several times but now has apologized and now says that this statement wasn't accurate and unfair. I don't think Elaina was trying to hurt him, I think she was just trying to get some quiet to study.

-The three 'bigs' all moved out to their mom's house, twenty minutes away. They are here at my house every day in the morning and at in the afternoon, often staying for supper and what no, which is nice and I like. It left Paul devastated, which I understand. But it has been terrible for me. He blaims it on our marriage and not on the original source of the family destruction, his ex wife and her affair. (not that I blame his ex very much...he is cold and unloving and says mean things a lot).

-He would not marry me unless I moved up to Denver because he wanted to make his kids happy and stay around. He was afraid they wouldn't hang out with him as much and so makes himself overly available so that they will. He's even taken the children to grown up dinner parties where the 14 year old will read on his phone will adults are drinking around him! I understand his concern but he wouldn't even move to Castle Rock which is just a twenty minute commute to his ex's house. I had to move into his home, so I basically showed up as a refugee on his doorstep with three small children in tow, immediately setting me up as a displacer. his children(even though they were moving out) all were spread out in two bedrooms (one was large enough to build a petition and the boys were in that while Elaina was in the other). Meanwhile, my three childen (one boy and two girls) were crammed into one bedroom, smashed on top of each other. Even though his children have moved out, he still refuses to allow the girls to have or even stay in those bedrooms (they remain empty) and they have to bunk up. Seb the boy does get to have one of the partitioned beds though so now my eight year old has a bit of privacy. 

-His children have NEVER given me a fair shake. Alexander the ten year old went home and told his mom that my 'children suck'. Paul did nothing. When I had liver failure after my unhappy hysterectomy, the oldest didn't even say anything to me and was sassy to her dad about something; I said something about it and she got sassy to me, leaning there all sick. Paul did nothing and just tried to reason with her as if she was his equal and he was not a parent, forget defending me. I wrote her a heartfelt letter that Paul read and endorsed, but when she got mad he completely distanced himself from me, told me I was unreasonable, and completely abandoned me on the issue. I had to admit tearfully to her that I was from an old fashioned culture and that maybe I had expected too much from her. I was just trying to show her I cared and offer her criticism in my own way, like I would show my own kids. If my kid had done that at her age, they would have no car, ins and would be out to their dad's. I TRULY LOVE ALL THREE OF THEM. They say that they want me to treat them the same as my kids, who they say I spoil...do they want me to treat them like four year olds? I don't believe they want that either as I would be much tougher on them than they are experiencing now. They and their mothe rdon't believe or maybe don't want to believe this!

-yes, the liver failure. After my hysterectomy I have not been the same. I went through liver failure after it was revealed I had an susceptibility to acetametaphin and almost had to have a liver transplant. I did make it out of the worst though and have lived to see another day. While hooked up in the hospital, delirious with pain meds and on my last bag of the Tylenol antidote, (they were preparing me for the worst and the transplant surgeon had already met with me) Paul had given his car to his ex so that she could take it out on a vacation and was absolutely freaking out bc the car broke down and would cost more to repair. He asked my opionion and I told him that he should probably get a new car. He freaked out on me and the car became more important than me and he had me in tears. I almost asked the nurse to escort him out as he was being cold to me and I was already so scared. I finally told him just get a car and then come back when you get it. Well, he later declared that I 'pushed' him into getting a car when he was not ready. I asked him how could I push a big tough man into getting a car when I was hooked up to machines, barely awake in a hospital bed? His response: I never told you I was a big tough man. Nice. 

-He has been physical with me on three different occasions when he has lost his temper even though he has this almost constant eerily benign and meek temperament. Once he had hurt me concerning ripping up his family by my presence so I wanted to get away and I got in my car. He panicked and through himself on my and forced me out of the car and wrestled the keys from me. When I tried to get the keys back he through me on the bed. Another time I was devastated by words that he had told me so I told him to stay in Aiden's (middle boy) vacant room. He became incensed at me opening up his drawer to put the clothes in a bad and grabbed my arms and threw me down by the nightstand. I had a bruise on my upper arm but it was slight. He wasn't being violent; it was just like he lost his temper and was almost surprised at himself after the fact. but it still hurt. At neither of these times was I going after him I was actually either getting away or trying to get him away. Only once have I done anything that could be construed as physical, when he looked right into my eyes when I asked him how he could say to the woman he loves that he wouldn't love her if she had his baby and then keep up the mantra for months...he looked right at me and said he only said it once and he had no recollection but if I 'said he did it, he probably did'. I cried and cried and asked him to leave but he refused. He treats me like a child and becomes fearful if I try to get away from him. Finally I pushed him and screamed leave and he did, that's it. And I feel bad even about that. (he later admitted that he did have a recollection of it and that he has a problem with trying to rationalize things after the fact into something more benign).

This man will throw me under the bus if any pressure comes his way. He will never protect me and will allow me to get hurt in the name of not making his kids or ex angry or if any boat is rocked. 

Why am I in this hotel? It got to a breaking point. I know that some people don't believe in weapons for home protection and that is all right, but given my background I am well trained and have a license. I have a 9mm that I keep in a biometric safe by my bed. My husband lives in a bad neighborhood, I won't even let my kids go out without me There was just a shooting a few months back, and an attempted kidnapping just today (the school went on lockdown). I was sick with some residual liver problems and in bed when Paul was gone for two hours. The house was quiet and dark. I hear a man come in through the back door which I often sometimes forget to lock. This person walked around the house and did not call out to me so I knew it was a stranger. I took my weapon out, being highly trained in it, I did not take the safety off and held it to the ground. I waited by my bedroom door and did not go in search of the intruder. I hid the weapon behind the door. The man came around the corner and caught my eye and I saw it was Aiden (the fourteen year old). He must have been dropped off by his mom and since Aiden avoids talking to me and wont say hi or even bye, he never made his presence knonw. I smiled at him and joked that he's lucky I know what to do with a weapon (ask questions and then shoot later). I then showed him the weapon I had hid behind the door and then put it back in the bio metric safe. 

I called Paul when I heard him immediately call his mother and tell her how I 'almost shot' him. I asked him to call her and tell her what really happened. The children will often exaggerate or tell stories based off of their own prejudice about the 'evil stepmother' and no one fact checks these stories with me, sometimes least of all my own husband. By this I mean the ten year old mostly, as he has quite an imagination that he often uses to manipulate people with. If I ask him to come with me and the kids for ice cream, and he cannot because Elaina is taking him to her mom's, he will complain that I took the kids out for ice cream and make it a point not to include him. Granted, his mother typically is too mature to believe most of these stories, but they add up.

Aynway, Paul told me to take care of it he wasn't involved. I texted Jane and told her that nothing really happened and that I was in control the whole time, and I apologized. Her reply was 'you are nuts' and 'I am so mad'. I replied professionally that I was not nuts and if I had it wouldn't have been so controlled, and if people included me in their plans I might have better knowledge of who is or isn't in my house. She then let on a tirade of how her kids hate coming to the house because I treat my own kids better than hers, that I make so much drama and 'is Gwen gonna be sick again' (I'm sorry I have a blood disorder, I get tired- given her own chronic disorder which while dormant could flair up again I am honestly surprised at her at this one- one would think she would go 'there') or is dad going to get yelled at again (an absolutely unfair characterization of Paul and how cold he is to me, and about how I used to cry every night as the hysterectomy got closer and closer, and also how I defend the cold and humiliating way he treats my children), that they want to love me but I make it hard for them and that she tries to stand up for me but I make it hard for her...absolutely untrue and unfair characterizations that have been allowed, enabled and perpetuated by Paul's unwillingness to get involved, take a stand, defend me...anything that might make his kids mad.

I texted back only professional (I am a professional both as a former army officer and boeing engineer), that what she said hurt me very very much, that her kids are wonderful(I believe this despite detailing faults- everyone has faults!)l and I have devoted my life (I'm on disability for my blood disorder and brain injury from the army) to helping them both to and from school, their doctors appointments, anything they needed whenever they needed it. That I lived for them and for all the children and to keep house. That's all I said. She said that everyone sees how hyprocritical I am with the kids except me. She means her kids (who tell elaborate stories at the smallest things that she never fact checks with me) and her and Paul...my own husband.

For an example on an elaborate story...I was sick recovering from my liver failure but had to watch my small children alone in the house. I was exhausted and throwing up. I was curled up on the bed with the door open and it opens into the living room. My eight, six and four year old were watching TV. Unbeknownst to me, Alexander the ten year old had came up. He sat around for an hour or two and I by then knew he was the house and said hi to him and commenced to throwing up again. Well, he goes and calls his mom and/or his dad (my husband) saying that since Gwendolyn is sleeping in her room that he has been forced to care for the children and since he has been forced to care for the children out of a moral responsibility, can he have twenty dollars to go to gamestop? Well, I was both embarrassed and scared because now people have the wrong impression of how much work and love I put into giving my children a good and nurturing life, it was unfair and by this time had made it throughout the family. I guessed correctly that no one would fact check with me. I told Paul and was upset and ashamed and tried to tell him how Alexander had exaggerated the situation and just wanted money and paul's respons was 'what's wrong with giving him money if he had to watch the children?' First off, he didn't watch the children. He was watching Teen Titans on the cartoon network. but that didn't matter. 

-Once when I thought I was alone I was naked while shutting my bedroom door. Aiden came around the corner and saw me ( an by me I mean everything); I was horrified and told Paul. His response? Now Aiden has something to brag about to his friends. Then he told me to get over it.

This is the story of my life. I could go on and on. But this last one was the worst. Getting berated like that from their mom, and watching Paul not stand up for me in the slightest, diffuse the situation in the slightest, and then blame it on me(he defended JANE, saying that she was telling me how she felt...what??) like he does was the last straw. He also told me that I was the dramatic one because I wanted comfort from him and understanding, and when I was speechless by this, he mimicked me trying to get a word out 'dd....da....aa....aaa' and said 'don't you call that dramatic?'

I don't know what to do. Paul has stated that he may take the loss of his children out on my own children as he is so sad. His ex called my children spoiled rotten last night via text. They are not. They are lost and sad. They left everyone and everything they knew so that Paul wouldn't have to leave the house he has next to his daughter's high school. I commuted two hours there and back to allow that same thing. My kids are absolutely bullied by their fouirteen year old, Seb my boy is picked on the most, esp since he cannot pronounce his r very well and it sounds like a w. Paul is cold and attempts no rapport with the children. He even videotaped my son trying to go to the bathroom during dinner (I was asleep after my surgery) with his fourteen year old and they were mocking him because he had already gone and probably didn't have to go again. Then paul followed him into the bathroom and mocked him for not being able to potty after asking. It was awful, shocking and cruel. He was just like his fourteen year old!. I was angry and still tried to make things work and for him to understand just how mean he was being. In the video you can hear paul joking about how they should put this on youtube since he was such a whiner. Elaina later told me she saw the video and thought it was a decent punishment considering how whiny my son was being. I was surprised at Elaina at this, she usually more mature...I think that no matter what they will defend their father. 

An example of how he turns on me according to the way the winds blows occurred the day before...my eight year old had came to me and asked why I lied to him about there being no santa. He said that Alexander had told him and the girls that they did not exist. I set him straight on the issue and forgot about it. Later after an uneventful evening, I decided to mention it to Paul just during conversation. I asked if he would talk to Alexander about what seb had told me. Instead of talking, he laid into Alexander and I could hear him going off in the other room while I tried to entertain some company that he had in the living room. When he came out, I had Seb there and I tried to get to the bottom of it. I asked if he was telling the truth, Seb,scared said that they were playing outside and the topic came up and that Alexander just said that he didn't believe in Santa. I asked, 'so that was it?'. That's not the same thing Seb. And the girls only overheard, it's not like Alexander set them all down like Set had originally said. I know that kids exaggerate, that's why I wasn't worried and had asked Paul just to do some fact finding. Instead, Paul laid into Alexander (he can sometimes scream and 'lose it' to his kids in a frightening way). I mentioned to Paul that he should probably apologize to Alexander for being to hard and not getting his side of the story. In front of company, he said that I should apologize. I was confused and asked what I had done wrong besides mention something to Paul in confidence. Paul, in an example of how he bails on me when he gets in trouble with the kids and begins pointing fingers, said that 'you should apologize because I tried to defend you like you asked and got on Alexander after you accused him of sitting the kids down and telling there was no santa'. Notice how he completely changed the story as soon as the spotlight was on him and the wrath was there from his kids. By this time, it had gotten to Jane and I guarrentee that although it was Paul yelling at Alexander and me defending him, that the story through bias was switched to me feeding paul biased information concerning Alexander, even though I had done nothing of the sort, and Paul had completely twisted the story around the second the heat was on him, thereby throwing me under the bus. This is an example of the drama he generates, which quickly through bias and a lack of leadership on Paul's part gets thrown onto me. Later, he backtracks after I became angry, and stated that I was just taking him too literally and all he really meant was to clear the air and to let him know it was a misunderstanding. REally. That's what he meant. Then say it.

I just cannot live like this. Paul has made me truly question my sanity. I am isolated, living in a strange and big city with no friends or support network all for him and his children that treat me just terribly and with an awful bias that I cannot understand. My children don't deserve this. I have no one to turn to. I have a best friend from the army and some friends from my old, happy life in Colorado springs who may listen. That's why I am turning to those here for any semblance of help. I want to die but would never leave my children without a mother. But I am ashamed to say that life does not bring me hope. Paul just last night, in that final straw when I told her how his ex was calling me names, said 'stop feeling like your the victim here, and stop feeling sorry for myself'. I hope that's not what I am doing. I just am trying to make sense of the nonsensical. 
I am so sorry for the book. Please help me! These four walls are closing in around me and I just need to take a step back and get some outside perspective. 
Gwendolyn


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## lenzi

If you have the gun with you please call someone and have them take it away from you, at least for the time being. 

Sorry for your situation.


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## DalaiMama

Of course..it's back in the biometric safe at home I would never take it with me. I am extremely responsible with it and it never leaves the safe. I'm not in the NRA or even all that into the 2nd amendment; it's just there for home protection as there is violent crime all throughout this part of Denver.


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## jac70

lenzi said:


> If you have the gun with you please call someone and have them take it away from you, at least for the time being.
> 
> Sorry for your situation.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## manticore

I am sorry you give up mother hood, you still can adopt a beautiful chid if you found the right partner, I think that telling you at this point that this man is not right for you is unneeded.

why you did not looked for other contraceptions methods instead of one that can not be undone?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I am so very sorry with what you have been through! Going to a hotel was the right thing to do! You NEED to start standing up for yourself and your children. You NEED to stop caring what his ex w thinks of you! Who cares what she thinks or does. Your not competing against her. It doesn't surprise me that she calls you names, my ex h's wife really thinks terribly of me, but I could care less!

If I were you, I'd get myself in order and make an exit plan ASAP. I'd get my children far away from that nasty environment ASAP! Your h and his children will ruin your children emotionally. Your h IS abusive! Get yourself out of there now and take control of your life! Good luck.


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## DalaiMama

Awww those 'I agree' signs are cute and made me smile! 
Thank you for your concern; but can anyone give me an objective answer to the question...'should I stay or should I go?' I know that I have a legitimate cause for an annulment because of lying about wanting a baby and then saying he only said it to get me to marry him. In Colorado that is grounds...I'm just so worried to take that step. 
I'm also concerned that in leaving the marriage I am taking a step that is too drastic. Is there hope that understanding and maturational growth can occur both in the marriage, my husband and the step kids and ex wife? If there is hope, then maybe I should stay. I consider marriage very sacred but Paul has struck at the essence of marriage....trust.
so I guess I didn't make the goal of the question clear....should I stay? :scratchhead:

(that was the first emoticon I have EVER used. Wild) I feel like I have entered the 21st century by a few days at least.


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## DalaiMama

manticore said:


> I am sorry you give up mother hood, you still can adopt a beautiful chid if you found the right partner, I think that telling you at this point that this man is not right for you is unneeded.
> 
> why you did not looked for other contraceptions methods instead of one that can not be undone?



Oh I agree! I would love to adopt! I would love to help out children out of bad situations and foster them in a safe and loving environment too. Children are just so wonderful I have such a heart for them. 
Unfortunately, I had a rare disorder called Adenomyosis and the pain and the bleeding were literally killing me bc of my blood disorder dx'd on a bone marrow biopsy. I had maybe one year left before my uterus became as useful as my foot in carrying a child. Before marriage, I explained everything to Paul...I have never hid the truth from him and my dream of keeping my promise to the twins I lost that I would try one more time. That's what makes this so sad. Paul acted as if he understood and would definitely take this into account. 
When questioned on this after marriage, Pauls defense was..'I was too afraid to tell you the truth about my plans to have no more children bc I was afraid you wouldn't marry me'. But you see, what he really did was steal my choices from me to make decisions regarding my own body. That part hurts the most. 
He also stated later that the reason that he lied was because he was 'certain that after marrying he would see how much kids 'suck' and would change my mind'. he was 'blown away' that I still wanted one more. 

ugh. If he had been honest and a man about it, you know what? I may have married him just for his honestly and that I loved him unconditionally. But his theft of my choice was almost like a rape. 

His response to this? 'Well, by making me keep my promise to have a baby with you you are raping me of my choice too'. I just have to disagree with this there is something fundamentally wrong with the sentence I just cannot put my finger on it. 
It truly hurts more than the loss itself.


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## manticore

DalaiMama said:


> Thank you for your concern; but can anyone give me an objective answer to the question...'should I stay or should I go?' .


I will be honest and brutal with you, you should leave, you are the bottom on his list of priorities, he probably is still in love with his ex, and he wanted someone to help him easy the pain and loneliness.

there is a difference between prioritize his kids and leave them trample you, I can not help to think that if he really loved you, he had try given you the kid you wanted, he was not honest he manipulated you to do things his way, and now that he feels you secure, he do as he pleases leaving your needs to the last of his list

you deserve better, imagine, you are still in honey moon period (less than 3 years) if he nows treat you like this, can you imagine yourself with him after 10 years when chemical passion is gone, and both have to work together to have good marriage.


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## DalaiMama

Oh goodness; so that's two saying I should leave. Thank you soooo much for you guys that have replied your insight is very helpful. Is there anyone else that agrees or maybe thinks I should try to make it work or is it pretty cut and dry and I've just been fooling myself this year that things will change?

I know that I wrote a novel. I think I hit the jackpot by finding these nice, supportive forum and will certainly pay it back by starting to reply to others' concerns too. Wow what a wonderful place to find insight when you start to feel too close to the issue and your own judgment gets clouded.


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## TBT

Another one here who thinks you should leave.You've had so little support in what is really a short period of time and besides that he's also been mentally and physically abusive with you.When a lot of bad things happen in our lives over an extended period we can easily start viewing it as our lot in life but only if we let it.Though your post is sad to read I get a sense of your strength of character.Hold on to that.Some lost causes are well,just lost causes.Your H sounds like that.Why shouldn't you and your children be happy? You can make that happen.Saying a prayer for you and your young ones.Take care.


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## Almost There

Leave, leave, leave! My heart broke for you within the first 3 paragraphs and it just got more hard to read from there.  I am so sorry for what you're going through... and run, run like hell!!! He is not even worth the effort it took you to write that post.


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## manticore

Dalai also you should leave for your kids sake, your poor 8 year boy will remember the abuse and if this keep going one day he may come to resent you for leaving him being abused and maybe will choose to be with his father a cut communication with you, just as you feel hurth because your husband don't stand for you, he must feel the same way, how his mother let this new kids pick on him even when his mother was there and did nothing ( I know you a have spoke to them, but your kid will see it as if you did nothing because after all they keep picking on him).

He is not that small he already understand that he is being humiliated, the youtube thing break my hearth thinking being in his place totally powerless

you will come to regret to lose the love of your biological children for this kids that obviously are projecting their stress and anger of their own situation against your children.


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## EleGirl

Yes Dalai, you should leave your husband. Take care of your own children. They are being treated miserably. Do not allow this.

It sounds like your life in this marriage is horrible. Don't put up with this nonsense any longer.


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## EleGirl

Another point... you have many health problems. the that Adenomyosis has most likely led to the nine miscarriages a hysterectomy. Then there is the liver failure, a blood disorder and who knows what else. 

The stress in your current situation will only make your health worse. Getting away from all the craziness will most likely help your health improve.


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## turnera

He's abusive, Dalai. If not for yourself, leave for your kids. Just as YOU came from an abusive family and SOUGHT OUT (subconsciously) an abusive partner, so will your kids, if you stay with him. Either that or they will become abusers themselves, as it's all they'd know.

Break the cycle. Raise your kids on your own. Separate or divorce him. You have a masters, you can easily support your kids and you can get temporary help from the government if you need to. Go back to your town where you feel safe and raise your kids to be happy, healthy kids, ok? And find a good psychologist who will help you work through the abuse you suffered both in childhood and in marriage. Do it for your kids.


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## PBear

How long did you date before you got married? And where are your kids now?

I'd say move on. Your kids are getting neglected/emotionally abused and you're the only one who can protect them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TikiKeen

I only read the first post, and here is what matters IMO:

Colorado Springs DV shelter: (719) 633-1462

Denver DV shelter: (303) 302-6111

Call them. Take action now; think later.


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## ecotime47

Thank you for sharing your story with us Gwen. It breaks my heart to hear what you and your kids have gone through. Blended families are always a challenge. It can turn out great but it does take a lot of work and really good trust and communication. You don't trust Paul (reasonably so btw) and he doesn't trust you. A thriving marriage is impossible under these conditions. 

The home environment you've placed your kids in is volatile and they are not safe to make mistakes, grow, and learn. The video taping of your son proves that - how awful for him. You are right to remove them. 

I don't know what your long-term solution should be. I know if you decide to stay with Paul, you both need some serious counseling. Your kids will definitely need it. They need help processing through all of this change. There's probably nothing more harmful to the development of a child than an unsafe home environment. 

Good luck friend!


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## DalaiMama

Thank you so much everyone; I am overwhelmed by the support. Paul this morning and I finally talked and he thinks that his ex wife was 'just telling me what she felt'. And I shouldn't feel so picked on. That I am running myself out and not the other way around. 
No comfort, nothing. I'm thinking you guys are probably right. I told him I asked a question online and he found this thread. Now he is feeling sorry for himself I don't know. He doesn't deny anything; but he is it seems breaking up with me bc 'I truly believe I'm killing you'. 
I'm not sure about Paul. I think he wants to just leave and get his life back to his own sense of normal (Jane, her husband and the kids without me there complicating things). What's killing me is the failure of a second marriage. I think he has taken the easy wy out but now I am alone. 
My children, who had been spending some time at their dad's are back now. I have to co untie with my life and go home, get them to school and somehow make it through each day. You all have been so wonderful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

DalaiMama said:


> Thank you so much everyone; I am overwhelmed by the support. Paul this morning and I finally talked and he thinks that his ex wife was 'just telling me what she felt'. And I shouldn't feel so picked on. That I am running myself out and not the other way around.
> 
> No comfort, nothing.


My husband has a mean spirited ex-wife. He has 100% custody with her having very limited visitation. So basically I raised her two children from age 10 on. They are in their 20’s now. His ex did nothing but cause trouble by encouraging the children to not cooperate and not follow our home rules. She also constantly bad mouthed me.

At first I tried to work with her as that is what was best for the children. But she became so antagonistic I handled it by just refusing to talk to her. If she had something to say, she could send me an email. Then I could chose to respond or not. The only times I did respond was when there as something like times to arrange. Otherwise I just ignored her. What else could I do? I was not about to enter into a piss contest with a woman who abandoned her children to live with an alcoholic affair partner. And I sure did not need my husband to do anything about it. I’m a big girl and can handle this.

So what relevance does my situation have to yours? What you are doing is to perpetuate the drama. You contacted her. She replied to you. Trying to put your husband in the middle of this is not a good thing to do. What’s he going to do? Order her to stop bad mouthing you? Leave him out of this nonsense. And you just ignore her.

Why would you even let anything this woman says bother you? She is creating a piss contest because even though she’s with her affair partner, she does not want her ex to have anyone in his life. He’s being a push over by being her errand boy. She has it made.. her AP husband and her ex-husband the errand boy. She wants you out of the picture.

You married a man who will not even stand up for himself. And you want him to stand up for you? It isn’t going to happen.

You want him to comfort you when his ex-verbally attacks you after you try to tell her that her kids are causing problems? He’s not going to comfort you over this. He rightly sees you as part of the problem. This is a cat fight and he wants nothing to do with-it. One of the few smart things he seems to be doing.
Keep in mind that if you tell his ex “good morning”, she will consider that you attacking her. So ignore her. 


DalaiMama said:


> I'm thinking you guys are probably right. I told him I asked a question online and he found this thread. Now he is feeling sorry for himself I don't know. He doesn't deny anything; but he is it seems breaking up with me bc 'I truly believe I'm killing you'.


Your husband emotionally abuses you children. What I don’t get is why you allow him to do this. I don’t get why you don’t break up with a man who is emotionally abusing your children. You need to change the way you look at this marriage. Look at this as something you are doing to protect them.


DalaiMama said:


> I'm not sure about Paul. I think he wants to just leave and get his life back to his own sense of normal (Jane, her husband and the kids without me there complicating things). What's killing me is the failure of a second marriage. I think he has taken the easy wy out but now I am alone.


How long did you date him before you moved in with him and married him?

Why are you more concerned about a second marriage ending then you are getting away from a man who abuses your children?


DalaiMama said:


> My children, who had been spending some time at their dad's are back now. I have to co untie with my life and go home, get them to school and somehow make it through each day. You all have been so wonderful.


So you are staying with your husband? You said that he's leaving you. What's he doing?


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## arbitrator

*Keep your chin up, my good lady! You will be first and foremost in my prayers!*


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## GingerAle

Prayers your way OP.

GINGER


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## turnera

Don't look at it as the failure of a second marriage. Look at it as what it took you to finally learn what you need to know, to make better choices.


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## DalaiMama

EleGirl said:


> My husband has a mean spirited ex-wife. He has 100% custody with her having very limited visitation. So basically I raised her two children from age 10 on. They are in their 20’s now. His ex did nothing but cause trouble by encouraging the children to not cooperate and not follow our home rules. She also constantly bad mouthed me.
> 
> At first I tried to work with her as that is what was best for the children. But she became so antagonistic I handled it by just refusing to talk to her. If she had something to say, she could send me an email. Then I could chose to respond or not. The only times I did respond was when there as something like times to arrange. Otherwise I just ignored her. What else could I do? I was not about to enter into a piss contest with a woman who abandoned her children to live with an alcoholic affair partner. And I sure did not need my husband to do anything about it. I’m a big girl and can handle this.
> 
> So what relevance does my situation have to yours? What you are doing is to perpetuate the drama. You contacted her. She replied to you. Trying to put your husband in the middle of this is not a good thing to do. What’s he going to do? Order her to stop bad mouthing you? Leave him out of this nonsense. And you just ignore her.
> 
> Why would you even let anything this woman says bother you? She is creating a piss contest because even though she’s with her affair partner, she does not want her ex to have anyone in his life. He’s being a push over by being her errand boy. She has it made.. her AP husband and her ex-husband the errand boy. She wants you out of the picture.
> 
> You married a man who will not even stand up for himself. And you want him to stand up for you? It isn’t going to happen.
> 
> You want him to comfort you when his ex-verbally attacks you after you try to tell her that her kids are causing problems? He’s not going to comfort you over this. He rightly sees you as part of the problem. This is a cat fight and he wants nothing to do with-it. One of the few smart things he seems to be doing.
> Keep in mind that if you tell his ex “good morning”, she will consider that you attacking her. So ignore her.
> 
> Your husband emotionally abuses you children. What I don’t get is why you allow him to do this. I don’t get why you don’t break up with a man who is emotionally abusing your children. You need to change the way you look at this marriage. Look at this as something you are doing to protect them.
> 
> How long did you date him before you moved in with him and married him?
> 
> Why are you more concerned about a second marriage ending then you are getting away from a man who abuses your children?
> 
> So you are staying with your husband? You said that he's leaving you. What's he doing?


Hi- thanks for your response; yes, I need to think about more as protecting my children and not mourn the marriage. I also should never have kept responding to the ex. 
To answer your question, I'm still in the hotel. The kids are with me. They will return with me to the house tomorrow to return to school and Paul will go somewhere else- probably to his friends but it appears I will be allowed to stay in the house until the end of the school year so my children arent uprooted. Here we go! 
Oh and we were together a year before the marriage and he was completely totally different! I'm old fashioned and didn't live together before marriage. He professed to love my kids, spent time with them, everything! Then nothing after marriage- total disdain. Weird huh?.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

DalaiMama said:


> Hi- thanks for your response; yes, I need to think about more as protecting my children and not mourn the marriage. I also should never have kept responding to the ex.


You will do some mourning for the end of this marriage. You went into it with a lot of hope and that has died. But every time you start to let that get to you, think of you the mother lion protecting your children from a man who would not allow them to have bedrooms that are empty, who emotionally abused your son about going to the bathroom.. I’m sure that there are many more things that you have not shared.


DalaiMama said:


> To answer your question, I'm still in the hotel. The kids are with me. They will return with me to the house tomorrow to return to school and Paul will go somewhere else- probably to his friends but it appears I will be allowed to stay in the house until the end of the school year so my children arent uprooted. Here we go!


Good. At least he’s letting your children finish out the school year there and giving you time to work out what you will do now.


DalaiMama said:


> Oh and we were together a year before the marriage and he was completely totally different! I'm old fashioned and didn't live together before marriage. He professed to love my kids, spent time with them, everything! Then nothing after marriage- total disdain. Weird huh?.


Not weird at all. There are a lot of people who do this. For the future, a year is not long enough to date before marriage. It takes 12-18 months for that initial ‘in love’ heady feeling that makes us gloss over the other’s faults. It takes that long to find out how a person is. Give it more time next time. 

Blending families is very hard. I’ve read that 70% of marriages that blend families fail. It’s pretty clear why.


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## DalaiMama

Well, here is the next day. Thought I would give an update. I received a text from Jane stating that the kids and her had a list of requests some reasonable requests for me too. She texted that in order to hear these that I would have to apologize for 'scaring the ever living ****' out of Aiden and then I would have to hear them with Paul, together. 
What is this??? A parlay? And Paul yesterday got on me for saying I feel 'ran out' by saying 'I ran myself out' (because I went to a hotel). He argued with me all day yesterday and put me on the defensive when I all wanted was comfort. Of all of them, he was the most offensive. I was so utterly alone and he felt the need to say these things? After reading this very same post? 
On the surface, the text was kind enough. I don't consider Jane an unreasonable or cruel woman. It said she had gotten the kids together and that Elaina would visit at the house more, the Aiden would ask before eating food, and that Alexander would be kinder to Seb. In return, they had their own 'demands' which she didn't consider unreasonable and I was to appear with Paul. 

Oh good lord.

All of these 'things' that the kids were saying they would do would be expected in a respectful household, and I was supposed to agree to them as if the children had the full weight and authority of adults? And then acquiesce to whatever it was that in addition to the backbreaking work I do for all of the kids day in and day out, I would add to my repertoire? And on the question of the apology to Aiden, I had not only apologized directly to Aiden, I had PROFUSELY apologized during the barrage of texts that Jane had sent my way the same night as calling me nuts. Was I supposed to apologize again formally and in writing? It was as if to humiliate me, at least one can see how I could feel like that. Again, I don't think that Jane is a bad woman at all, so I continue to be surprised and hurt. 

Paul and I got in a huge argument about this, because I wouldn't even respond, and I asked if he could just maybe defend me...find out what is going on and argue on my behalf that I have been doing everything I could for the kids. I know that I could have called her to, but please understand I did feel that my husband- this is HIS ex wife. I was the one still in the hotel still trying to decide what in the world I was going to do even about the marriage. And besides, I felt that a condition for peace shouldn't involve basic human decency like asking for food and treating my 8 year old like a human being with feelings. Paul hit back hard, stating that this would most likely mean that they would cut us both off forever if we asked questions or got 'snippy' and that I was being dramatic. Goodness, I was looking Mr. Pure Drama right in the face (through the phone).

In the end he did call. Apparently as far as the further apology, Paul said that I had already apologized to Aiden. Jane stated that what she wanted was an apology to her 'as a mother'. I'm not quite sure I understand this, given the large amount of apologies I already gave her. And also, really, truly nothing happened. But I think I understand what she is feeling. 

Elaina wants in return for her avoiding the house is to make sure I punish my children more. She doesn't approve of the fact that they watch TV at night. I asked Paul when she last even was around at night to see them watch TV and he said 'last year'. Well, one of the things I do is allow them to watch TV for 20-30 minutes to wind down after the day is done. This is just what I do. I'm so confused because this is a person who if punished herself would respond with a nuclear bomb. I'm very much a 'drill sergeant' sometimes with my kids, having been a former army officer. But I have a heart and we have our special things that we do together...should I stop these on her condition?

Aiden wants me to include the dog more, he thinks Shadow gets neglected, because he is in his crate or outside when he comes home from school. I'm sorry....but in the afternoon, I am picking up three different children from two different schools with a four year old, coming back and forth mulitiple times. I simply cannot leave a border collie to run loose while I do these things. He is vey destructive. And I do not have time, with all of these children, mopping, preparing dinner, ect, to walk and to hang out with Shadow. He stays busy playing with the kids and paul. And quite honestly I'm not a dog person but love Shadow and never mistreat him...I'm just more of a kid person. Paul apparently very nicely said that sometimes 'you can say things that to you are funny but aren't very nice to other people' and that was his way of defending my children from his absolutely merciless bullying, both to my children and to Alexander. 

Alexander wanted to spend more time with me. That's sweet, but I will tell you I include him with everything, I'm there for him everyday, I love him. I don't know how to split my time up among my responsibilities already more than what I am doing. REmember, he often will tell stories just to tell a story or to get sympathy or manipulate I dont' know, like by saying that I don't include him with the other kids when I get ice cream when I do, it's just that he declines because he wants to go home with Elaina. What am I to do? Whether it's fair or not the stories are told and I am at a deficite, often while going out of my way to include him.

After a full day of giving me a hard time, toeing the party line against me, Paul did say that yes, his kids don't treat me fairly. But the pain he put me through is just indicative of his level of support for me. In the end, this is not about that unfair treatment from his kids or Jane's influence on my husband's mind and heart, this is about the treatment my children receive and the kind of man my husband is to me. 

I believe in marriage. But I also believe in giving my children the best start in life, and in fair treatment and a husband strong enough to provide the leadership to not even allow these situations to happen in the first place. He is just not the right person for me. I will continue to place my children's needs above my own. I don't know what will happen to my marriage, but I will in fact miss his children should I go through with the annulment; how could I not? I loved them as if they were my own, even if I was the only one who saw that.

PS: I keep a lot of things secret that if known, would anger Jane far more than what she is now. For example, Paul was going to take Aiden to Wendy's at midnight, while STONE COLD DRUNK. I'm talking the drooling, stumbling around kind. I refused and got in a fight with him (which was dully reported by Aiden as another moment of 'when will Gwen yell at dad again?') Ahh, the unfairness of it all. I never told Jane because Paul said if I did I would be sabotaging any chance he had with his kids. But honestly, Paul is going to kill someone one day, maybe even his child. He swears he will never drive drunk again, but here is the kicker....because up until THAT fight when I detailed how selfish drunk driving was, it had never occurred to him that drunk driving was SELFISH. REALLY? Do any of you think that the though of drunk driving being selfish is anything but intuitive? Or was Paul grasping at anything that would keep me from spilling the beans?


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## turnera

What a load of crock! 

Dalai, DON'T YOU DARE respond to her! And don't you dare even CONSIDER going back to him until he has had a full year of therapy that YOU get to witness. If you go back, you will be dead within a year.


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## turnera

He AND his family are batshyte crazy. There is nothing you can do for his kids any more. If you dive back in there to 'save' them, you will just end up insane, suicidal, or dead. For nothing.


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## DalaiMama

turnera said:


> He AND his family are batshyte crazy. There is nothing you can do for his kids any more. If you dive back in there to 'save' them, you will just end up insane, suicidal, or dead. For nothing.


That's how I feel now. Thank you for your support. I feel like I'm falling apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

You're not falling apart. You're getting smarter and stronger.


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## EleGirl

DalaiMama,

I agree, your husband, his children and his ex are all batshyte crazy!! You and your children need to get out of that drama.

Your husband is an alcoholic. You forgot to include that in your first post. This makes you getting away from him even more important.

Do not reply to or even acknowledge the existence of his ex wife. How dare she tell you when your children can watch TV, when you can and not do and say things. She is way over powered in your life. 

She does not set the rules in your home. You and your husband do… period.

Do not say one word more about the gun incident. The way you tell it the older boy is greatly at fault. You called out to ask who was in your house and he ignored you, continuing to come closer to you. He was probably trying to scare you and mess with you. Too bad you showed him that you were armed.. for a good reason.

Do not say or write anything further about the gun incident.. .because it can be used against you. A lot of people are just nuts today about any kind of weapon. They can try to press charges against you for pulling a gun on a kid. While there is nothing illegal about what you did, who knows what kind of trouble it can cause you.

A marriage cannot be fixed with there is alcoholism. It cannot be fixed with his ex is running your household and trying to tell you want to do in your home.

Please call someone who can help you and get yourself out of this crazy situation.


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## ecotime47

Wow! That's a pretty interesting turn of events. What do you think Paul wants? Do you think he wants to end the marriage and go back to life as it was or do you think he wants to work things out and give you and your kids a happy and safe home?


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## ExiledBayStater

DalaiMama, I suggest taking your three children and leaving. Your husband's issues with his ex-wife are so thick you could cut them with a knife. The reason he is so angry about his kids moving out is that they moved in with their mother.

I repeat, just leave. Your kids need their mom to take them away from the crazy man for good.


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## Bobby5000

I stopped when I read this statement, "quite honestly I would call them mouthy, disrespectful and argumentative." As someone who successfully raised three children including two step, you are wrong. You have to love your stepchildren before you marry. For the natural parent, children come first. That non-negotiable. 
He should stick up for his kids. The natural parent is the primary disciplinarian and it goes through him. 

Now, there may be other things on which to compromise. 

BEFORE, you even think about having another child, no two need to have a good marriage and have your issues addressed.

Physical violence is absolutely unacceptable. You are entitled to and should leave him because of that.


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## Yolandi

DalaiMama, 

How are you doing now? I hope you are okay.


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## Omego

This is all very upsetting. I agree with a lot of other posters who said that you should leave. It's all about him, isn't it? He feels like he failed as a husband and a dad and married you because: 1) the romance probably temporarily masked his pain 2) he wanted to reestablish a family. From what you describe, he is psychologically unstable. The ex-wife and the kids are manipulative. I don't agree with the other poster who said you have to love the kids. How is this possible? Your desires are diametrically opposed? They want their father for them and you want your husband for you. In these kinds of situations the only way to survive is to apply basic values of respect for others, values which his kids don't seem to have learned.

Boundaries need to be set. Lay out your terms and conditions, do not interact with the ex anymore, and tell your husband he can take it or leave it. One condition should be that your kids get their own rooms if there is space available. Your H does not have to love your kids but he has to be civil.

You've made a lot of concessions already. If you want to stay in the marriage, please don't make anymore. If your H is worthy and can fix himself, he'll do what it takes to keep you. If he can't, he's weak and not worth anymore effort,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ecotime47

I'm thinking about you today Dalai. Hope things are getting better for you.


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