# I am considering taking her back - am I crazy? Concerned for my son.



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Hello folks - I do not know if anyone went through this or not - but my youngest son is going through terrible emotions (which I knew would come) such as fear of future, etc. He told me that he feels he doesnt have a home anymore - which is true and I see the toll this has left on him...he was so resilient before all this happened and now he is not as much. Which has left me wanting to protect him and has got me considering taing her back (if she were to ever ask). I would do anything for my children and this would be one of them. I think about getting back with her and I know it would be awkward but I believe we could work together for our kids to get them through college. I think about it and I do not believe I would ever be able to let her touch me again (because the triggers would just be too much to take). But I think it would really help our children. I do not know of anybody who has tried it, but seems it could work i dk.....I always hold out hope we could work together for the sake of our children...I know it sounds crazy but I would certainly consider it. Thoughts..


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

In my opinion, it has to be for more than the kids. Do YOU want to reconcile? More importantly, would your wife?

If it's not a true reconciliation - all it will mean is that your son will see a dysfunctional marriage right before his eyes and he will think that is the norm. 

I believe it is better for the kids to have TWO parents who love them even if it is in separate homes vs a dysfunctional couple who don't love each other raising the kids together. 

This is a decision I made (with my wife) after 3 years of false R. Yes, there were other reasons we separated (i.e. my wife's infidelity) - but we had tried to R mainly for the kids. It wasn't enough and it wasn't healthy. Kids should grow up seeing their parents hugging each other, teasing/flirting with each other, holding hands, doing stuff together and having fun together. I didn't want my daughters to think it was normal for two parents to dislike each other.

So that's my input - hope it doesn't confuse things for you - but I feel very strongly that staying together JUST for the kids isn't healthy. There has to be more.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I started taking my children to counseling. It has been so beneficial to them to be able to talk to a professional about their feelings. I talk to them, but I am in the story. They have issues with their mom and not me... I talked to them the whole way through the divorce. I asked the counselor after their session if they had any issues with me and she said no, its really with their mom.

My EX found out that I am taking them to counseling... I din't tell her because I don't talk to her and I'm taking them to counseling for them not me or her... I don't sit with them. I'm in the lobby waiting... My EX wants to tell the counselor 'her side of the story'... I'm like WTF? This isn't about her or I, its for the kids so they don't grow up hating women. It's about them talking their issues out and being ok. 

My EX thinks it's a perception of a story... I just don't care. I want to go on with my life and make sure my kids are as emotionally healthy as possible. I don't care what other people think. The counseling has been great for them. It is painful but it's ok. They are in pain. I find that talking about it to someone really helps and so do they.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Would that even be a healthy enviroment for your children?? And is your wife willing to put in the same amount of effort as you to R the marriage? Has she even offered to R and shown remorse about her actions? Don't remember your story too well but from what I do remember I believe she was quite self centered and manipulative.

Kids are not stupid. I didn't know specifically what problems my parents had in their marriage when I was younger but I could always sense something was not right between them more often than not. It got to the point by the time I hit 17 I was TELLING my mom to divorce my Dad (11 years later they're still married btw and my opinion still hasn't changed).

I do admit I might be biased. I never bought into that whole "staying together for the sake of the kids" argument. In a lot of cases the damage has simply been done and partaking in a token marriage is not going to send your kids the right message about relationships at all.

Why not find someone who loves and respects you so you can set a good example for your children of what relationships are supposed to be about?

Because forcing yourself to be in a marriage you don't even want "for the sake of the kids" is not sending the right message and is certainly not doing them or you any favors.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Oh BT.

There is no question how much you love your boys.

And I also know that you still love your wife. The woman you married before all of her nonsense.

But a marriage takes two. So does a successful reconcilaition.

You do need to get one or both your sons to talk to a good counselor.

You should also speak to your wife. She needs to know what is going on with your youngest boy. 

Has she ever asked to come home?
Has she ever discussed a Reconciliation?
Isn't she still living with the OM?
Didn't she move across the country?

I am not asking these questions to hurt you or dig up bad memories.

I am asking them so you can see the situation for what it is.

I think a phone call to her is the place to start. And keep the conversation about your kids. Not you. Not her. Not the OM nor the sins.

Just the kids........

HM64


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> I started taking my children to counseling. It has been so beneficial to them to be able to talk to a professional about their feelings. I talk to them, but I am in the story. They have issues with their mom and not me... I talked to them the whole way through the divorce. I asked the counselor after their session if they had any issues with me and she said no, its really with their mom.
> 
> My EX found out that I am taking them to counseling... I din't tell her because I don't talk to her and I'm taking them to counseling for them not me or her... I don't sit with them. I'm in the lobby waiting... My EX wants to tell the counselor 'her side of the story'... I'm like WTF? This isn't about her or I, its for the kids so they don't grow up hating women. It's about them talking their issues out and being ok.
> 
> My EX thinks it's a perception of a story... I just don't care. I want to go on with my life and make sure my kids are as emotionally healthy as possible. I don't care what other people think. The counseling has been great for them. It is painful but it's ok. They are in pain. I find that talking about it to someone really helps and so do they.


I think this is the responsible, unselfish, healthy thing to do for a child of infidelity and/or divorce. By doing this, MovingAhead is showing real love for his children and helping them without thinking about his 'side' or who is to blame. Eyes on the prize.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Parents are role models. Children will see the world and relationships by watching their parents and how they interact. If you R with your WW what will your child see? I think it will be a dysfunctional marriage with no love or affection. Is that what you want your children to think marriage is or how adults show love?


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

I wouldn't do it. To me this sounds like trying to convince your grown up children that Santa Claus is real, just because it makes them feel good and they don't like the fact he is a made up creation. Sorry, but your kids must learn that life is tough, not always fair and sometimes downright brutal. By trying to maintain the "perfect family" illusion you are just further infantilizing them and not really helping in the long run. 

Just think about what morals can they take from all this? That every time they are faced with real life obstacles, they can just take refuge in the feel-good make believe and the problems will go away? 

Also, at what cost would you be able sustain this illusion? Is the price your own happiness and sanity? You will be basically under self-imposed slavery so you can postpone the inevitable for some years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Why are you considering it when you don't even know if she would say yes?

Regardless your son needs help dealing with these issues, so why not just work on having a better parenting relationship with your ex rather than pursue R?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Bigtone128

All for a BH to attempt recovery.

Using the kids as motivation is how many a recovery has started.

Allowing the WW to move back in so everyone in now living under the same roof in not recovery.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm sorry, but taking her back to spare your son some emotional grief and permanent mental damage is not a viable option. 

Kids in a divorce are collateral damage. 

Everyone loses, the adults eventually heal and move on for the most part, the kids tends to be the most emotionally scarred and it may last for the rest of their lives to some degree and even manifest in the lives of their own children and span generations to come. 

I feel the same way about the damage done to my own kids.

But there's not all that much you can do about it. Be a good father, get him counseling, take him nice places, show him your love.

But don't get back with his mom just to act out a role. 

It's counterproductive.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> I wouldn't do it. To me this sounds like trying to convince your grown up children that Santa Claus is real, just because it makes them feel good and they don't like the fact he is a made up creation. Sorry, but your kids must learn that life is tough, not always fair and sometimes downright brutal. By trying to maintain the "perfect family" illusion you are just further infantilizing them and not really helping in the long run.
> 
> Just think about what morals can they take from all this? That every time they are faced with real life obstacles, they can just take refuge in the feel-good make believe and the problems will go away?
> 
> ...


Santa isn't real???

He has been coming to my house for 48 years now......

How dare you!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Santa isn't real???
> 
> He has been coming to my house for 48 years now......
> 
> How dare you!


Wow I've heard of some long time affairs but this one just might be a record.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I have read your posts, I know you love your sons but I am flabbergasted that you would even consider taking her back. 

You son needs help so seek out a qualified therapist for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> I started taking my children to counseling. It has been so beneficial to them to be able to talk to a professional about their feelings. I talk to them, but I am in the story. They have issues with their mom and not me... I talked to them the whole way through the divorce. I asked the counselor after their session if they had any issues with me and she said no, its really with their mom.
> 
> My EX found out that I am taking them to counseling... I din't tell her because I don't talk to her and I'm taking them to counseling for them not me or her... I don't sit with them. I'm in the lobby waiting... * My EX wants to tell the counselor 'her side of the story'... I*'m like WTF? This isn't about her or I, its for the kids so they don't grow up hating women. It's about them talking their issues out and being ok.
> 
> My EX thinks it's a perception of a story... I just don't care. I want to go on with my life and make sure my kids are as emotionally healthy as possible. I don't care what other people think. The counseling has been great for them. It is painful but it's ok. They are in pain. I find that talking about it to someone really helps and so do they.


The counsellor would say: "Sorry, but I only indulge in fiction in my own time, not whilst I'm working."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tone, if you feel you can do it for you, for her and your children, then think about it.

Reconciliation after an affair is not easy. And yes, I had trouble performing sexually for a while. Still not the same as it was before the affair. But maybe that's Mr Old Age knocking on my door?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

bfree said:


> Is that what you want your children to think marriage is or how adults show love?


I would like them to see that people make wrong decisions and when you love them you can overcome them. Also, that families stick together....I agree she would have to be contrite though...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> I would like them to see that people make wrong decisions and when you love them you can overcome them. Also, that families stick together....I agree she would have to be contrite though...


I can completely respect that. 

But if there's one thing most people on this site know it's that love isn't always enough to overcome. Two people can love each other but that still doesn't mean they make good partners. 

But I'm curious has there been some talk of reconcilation on the part of your wife or something? Or is it solely your children who have made you reconsider your previous thoughts?


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> Hello folks - I do not know if anyone went through this or not - but my youngest son is going through terrible emotions (which I knew would come) such as fear of future, etc. He told me that he feels he doesnt have a home anymore - which is true and I see the toll this has left on him...he was so resilient before all this happened and now he is not as much. Which has left me wanting to protect him and has got me considering taing her back (if she were to ever ask). I would do anything for my children and this would be one of them. I think about getting back with her and I know it would be awkward but I believe we could work together for our kids to get them through college. I think about it and I do not believe I would ever be able to let her touch me again (because the triggers would just be too much to take). But I think it would really help our children. I do not know of anybody who has tried it, but seems it could work i dk.....I always hold out hope we could work together for the sake of our children...I know it sounds crazy but I would certainly consider it. Thoughts..


Gotta let your kids grow up, reality blows but that's life.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Oh BT.
> 
> There is no question how much you love your boys.
> 
> ...


Thanks Happy, no my wife (i don't know if she even considers me her spouse) lives 1,000 miles away - because I moved because when she she left she started to threaten me with if I ever see you in the street, I will charge you with harassment sort of stuff - I got scared and moved away. Besides, I could tell by the way she as behaving it was going to be rough for me....and I was advised to leave (I somewhat reget it now because of what happened to my son. 

Last time, I forwarded my concerns on to her - she forwarded them on to my son...so I will not do that again. 

she has never asked to reconcile but I sense things are not going well with new beau and I sense the fog is starting to lift....

No it's good to ask the questions - i appreciate them. But I sense from my youngest son she is not doing well and last week it was her birthday - and \i sent her a birthday card and instead of deleting it, I noticed she read it...so I dont know...

I would like to think I could get over it all but it would take heavy lifting on her part - which i think she is capable of idk.

I would like to hear some betrayed spouses and the feeling they felt after coming out of the fog and how they overcame their feelings of guilt....

You see, I understand how someone could get messed up - but they must be contrite....here is a funny thought and I do not know if anyone on here ever had the thought....

I almost wish she was reading this forum so she could see how I feel....bizarre.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Jasel said:


> But I'm curious has there been some talk of reconcilation on the part of your wife or something? Or is it solely your children who have made you reconsider your previous thoughts?


No - but I can tell by how she communicates through my children how she is. Plus I know her and if the fog has lifted she would be extremely embarrassed by her behaviour and would not expect forgiveness - she herself would say she made a bad choice and has to live with it....but it is mine to make...I just get this sense - my son said she had an extremely difficult holiday so I am starting to think the fog is lifting..

funny thing is I have had a good single life and have plenty of options----I just love my family.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Tone,

I did what you are contemplating - staying together for the kids. The problems got worse, he cheated and it ended badly. Hindsight being 20/20, my only regret was not leaving 10 years before.

So, what if she comes back and sometime down the road, she cheats again? I can't help feeling that if the relationship fails again, that would be worse for your children.

This is still very early days for your kids and can only suggest that with an appropriate therapist, your son will get better. Perhaps instead of reconsiliation, you (her too) should concentrate on pulling together as parents. Not an easy one this and I feel for you and your kids.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> Tone,
> 
> So, what if she comes back and sometime down the road, she cheats again? I can't help feeling that if the relationship fails again, that would be worse for your children.
> 
> This is still very early days for your kids and can only suggest that with an appropriate therapist, your son will get better. Perhaps instead of reconsiliation, you (her too) should concentrate on pulling together as parents. Not an easy one this and I feel for you and your kids.


okay - here's the deal - my oldest is in 3rd year university 
and he has been doing okay....this all happened with my youngest about 3 months from HS graduation..he is now 3000 miles away at university - 1st year. 

So I am not worried about them per se except i just want a home for them to come to during the holidays until they graduate...then we can re-examine...idk

we could pull together as parents and see how that goes,,,idk...thats the thought behind moving in together.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

yea, you would have to know the kids involved - my son really prided himself on family...a real champon--i feel an obligation to him.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Bigtone

Over the long haul you wouldn't be doing anyone, including the kids, any favors by taking her back. If you take her back into a marriage where you can't feel love for her and it's an arraignment for 10 years, what are you teaching your kids about marriage and relationships. Not a good idea in my opinion.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> okay - here's the deal - my oldest is in 3rd year university
> and he has been doing okay....this all happened with my youngest about 3 months from HS graduation..he is now 3000 miles away at university - 1st year.
> 
> So I am not worried about them per se except i just want a home for them to come to during the holidays until they graduate...then we can re-examine...idk
> ...


So you'll consider getting back w/ her for a few holidays. I think this has more to do with you not bring able to get over her. I can seen it from the tone of your posts. Don't use your kids having a home as a reason when it's you wanting her that's the reason. I think you need to take more steps towards moving on.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

shazam said:


> So you'll consider getting back w/ her for a few holidays. I think this has more to do with you not bring able to get over her. I can seen it from the tone of your posts. Don't use your kids having a home as a reason when it's you wanting her that's the reason. I think you need to take more steps towards moving on.


:iagree:

BT, your kids are no longer 'kids' so reconciliation would be for YOUR benefit not theirs.

Find a new woman and get on with your life. 

Sounds like you still have feelings for your ex, which is only natural - but that doesn't mean that you should take her back.

Work on being more civil with her and doing the best job co-parenting your adult children.

I still care about my ex - but I care more about myself than her. I'm not friends with her but I do things to make my kid's lives easier. For example, she came over Christmas morning and the kids opened their gifts. She spent the entire day with them and I spent the day installing a satellite radio in my daughter's car and watching basketball. Not nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. Tomorrow is my son's birthday and she'll meet us at the restaurant and we'll sit down and share a meal for his benefit.

Does all this mean that I want to get back with her? HELL NO! That ship sailed when she decided to abandon her family in order to live the single life. I would never consider getting back with her just for the sake of the kids.

And you shouldn't either with your ex.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are still barganing.
Acceptance, true recovery is about to come. You will be OK, man.
Help yourself.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Bigtone
> 
> Over the long haul you wouldn't be doing anyone, including the kids, any favors by taking her back. If you take her back into a marriage where you can't feel love for her and it's an arraignment for 10 years, what are you teaching your kids about marriage and relationships. Not a good idea in my opinion.


Fair enough, thing is I could feel love for her (still do I guess) but would not want to get triggered by contact....that is what I would have a tough time with.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That ship sailed when she decided to abandon her family in order to live the single life. I would never consider getting back with her just for the sake of the kids.
> 
> And you shouldn't either with your ex.


the thing I struggle with is can someone you care about make a bad decision and be sorry for it and return contrite and sorry and have better life on the other side? I think it is possible.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Mine might not be a popular opinion, but I believe it is one supported by life outcomes.

Personally, I would say I WOULD do it as an ideal for the kids, but it would be incredibly difficult for the BS.

I think divorce is worse than the death of a parent and worse than a loveless marriage, provided there is no abuse and a minimum of outward resentment. However, I think it would be almost impossible for both spouses to maintain the charade. One or both is going to harbor resentment, want to push for more, or do something to piss the other off. The spouse with Hand, knowing the other is committed to playing it cool for the sake of the kids, is probably going to do all she can to torture the hell out of the other spouse.

I don't know if I could do it, and I feel pretty confident in my ability to persevere through all kinds of stuff that drives people crazy, but I don't think the idea itself is that bad.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Because your kids are older, I think you should just do what YOU think will work. Do YOU want to reconcile? Does your wife? If not then don't bother. Your kids are pretty much grown up - you are an empty nester. Reconciling for the kids is not really worth it, if it means more pain. And it won't do the kids any good to see you in pain.

Now if getting back together for the kids is a reason to try R - then go for it. But if it's not real, call it off. Living a lie for the "sake of the kids" is a recipe for disaster.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Ask your son: if your SO cheated on you, what would you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

martyc47 said:


> I don't know if I could do it, and I feel pretty confident in my ability to persevere through all kinds of stuff that drives people crazy, but I don't think the idea itself is that bad.


kinda the way I feel.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

We know you want her back, stop the pretense that you are doing it for your younger son.

Your son is not a kid, He is at the age to understand and learn the reality of life. In few yrs he may be having a wife. Dont give him the impression that his wife can cuckold him, abandon the family and come back when she finds the grass isnt greener on the other side.

I think you are still wallowing in the thoughts of your ex wife, why didnt you go out and look for some other chick, atleast the knowledge that you are also banging someone may give her a second thought.

Stop using your children for getting back to her. At least show the courage to talk to her about your feelings and dont bring children into it.

Stop sending her the gifts/greetings and stop looking at her things. She left you because she didnt wanted to be with you, let she live her life and stop acting like a savior.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> kinda the way I feel.


One kid would be a Junior in American college, as a "3rd year?" The other one is a freshman in American terminology? So, both are young adults?

Do it for you not them and quit using them as a crutch. They are both "away" at college and when I was there my parents, plus their problems, where lower than secondary. College was all about "me me me" time.

Have you talked to your young adults about how they feel? Yes, they are no longer fragile "kids" and you can have an adult discussion with them. No, I am not saying gory details or mother bashing, just a couple of sons and father having a serious life discussion.

Yes, I have kids and an 1 adult daughter. I know how hard it is to stop calling the oldest a "kid" when she is an adult.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

dymo said:


> Ask your son: if your SO cheated on you, what would you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


problem with this is this is their mother and they will understand she made a mistake and we see it as a family member we should forgive - kinda wwhere I am standing.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> problem with this is this is their mother and they will understand she made a mistake and we see it as a family member we should forgive - kinda wwhere I am standing.


Have you recently talked to them about the issue?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> problem with this is this is their mother and they will understand she made a mistake and we see it as a family member we should forgive - kinda wwhere I am standing.


My concern is that if your son is unlucky, he will end up with someone who he'll allow to walk all over him.

He needs to learn to see things from more perspectives than just his own.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> Which has left me wanting to protect him and has got me considering taing her back (if she were to ever ask). I would do anything for my children and this would be one of them.


 You are hiding behind your adult son as an excuse so that you can pretend your weakness as a person is a strength. In the end you will be fooling no one but yourself, as your son will eventually call you on it, much to your shame. He is now an adult that is only home for holidays. He should not be a factor in this at all. Also, for you to be thinking this when your wife has not even asked you to take her back, is delusional. Man up and move on. If not for yourself then as a proper role model for you son.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

A slightly different perspective for you...

My 'kids' were similar in age when the sh1t/fan interface went 'nuclear.' My lad was ending his first year at uni and my daughter just starting her A level exams (yup, the timing was terrible but unavoidable.) 

I worked hard to make sure they had a home to come back to after the idiot ex left, exactly as you say, so that during holidays, they had a home to come back to. This was especially important to my boy for whom 'family' meant so much. But honestly, that didn't mean keeping up a charade of a two parent family under one roof. 

And now we are 6 years on. Got them both through uni and now they both have jobs and their own lives. When my son went away to NZ for a long vacation, he wrote me a letter, thanking me for always being there for him. I couldn't afford to keep up the huge former marital home so I sold up and bought something smaller in an area I knew they and I would be happy to live. My son lives a mile away and my daughter is a frequent visitor from the city she now lives and works in.

Recently, my daughter was telling me that so many of her friends at uni had parents who had split up within their first year away. She said that it it was horrible to think that parents stay together for the kids, living some kind of a lie, until the kids are off at uni. She said it made her and many of her friends feel huge guilt that they had been the cause of unhappy parents staying together.

Don't know. I do get it Tone but I just think it's your life too and you are allowed to live it and find some happiness without betrayal. Your kids would want that for you too.


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