# shocked and hurt.



## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

My husband and I will have a second anniversary this month. We have been together for 4 and half years and we have an 8 month old daughter and I am 4 months pregnant. Today I accidently discovered some old email messages and realized he was had relations with several prostitutes about 2 years ago. Up to this point in our relationship, we have not had any problems. He has always treated me well and I do the same. We have argued in the past but nothing that will keep us unhappy with each other for too long. He is an excellent father and until today I thought he was a great husband. I always felt so blessed! 

I feel like we have been living under false pretense all this time! I had no idea. We did long distance for a year where I worked about 5 hours driving away so I worked one week and spent the other week with him. At the time when he did these things, we didn't have any problems. He took these women to an apartment that we shared together. He conducted these relations days before proposing to and months before we got married. I am so confused. I never saw this coming and I don't know what to do. It hurts me to think that my daughter should grow up not having her parents together. I kept looking at her and crying. 
I don't want to tell anyone about this dreadful thing because I don't want my family and friends seeing him differently. I don't know what to make of my marriage now. Or how I should go forward. I have heard some similar stories in the past and always felt people should not stay in cheating relationships. He says he finally stopped but I question if he really has since the situation does not encourage him these days. I worry that because he did this when things were supposedly good, what he will do if they get bad.?I have lost trust in him. Any advice on what I should do?? Thank you,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My first piece of advance is that you both go get tested for STDs. He has put your life at risk.

Is he only admitting to being with prostitutes the few times that you found out about? I rather doubt that you have found out everything. Most people who cheat lie and only admit to what their betrayed spouse admits to.

Does he give a reason why he did this?

Why did he bring this to a home you share with him? Ask him that as well.

Has he let you check his cell phone.. numbers and texts? Check the cell phone bills going back as far as you can in your relationship. Look for numbers that you do not recognize and number that he has talked to or texted often.

Also tell him that he has to hand over the passwords to every online account he has. If you find another account he has not told you about, the relationship is over.

Also search is car.

For all of the above, he has to let you search without him going in an doing and cleanup first.

I'm sorry but this is probably a lot bigger than what he has admitted to.

Before anyone can give you much more input, you have know why he did this and when it happened. 

How often he did it. 

If he has had sex with non-prostrates as well.

When he claims it stopped.

You don't really even know what your are dealing with yet.

I'm so sorry. What a horrid thing to discover when you are pregnant. It's bad enough at other times.


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you for the input. I have spent a lot of time going through his phone and email accounts. I think I have come up with about 7 different encounters. Some were before we met. He says he doesn't have a reason for why he did and feels that may be he should go to counseling. He is claiming that he only got B Js and massages with happy endings. Still cheating with strangers! I have been trying to ask as much as I can but I can't believe he is totally honest. I have to keep searching. He says that last time he contacted someone he never followed through and that was October 2013. It is terrible and I feel so bad for my children and myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I feel bad for you and your children as well.

He has to be able to answer why. If he cannot answer why then there is no way to protect from it happening again. 


If he cannot give you a reason, than if I were you I would assume that as a few motivators. He's selfish and will do whatever he wants without consideration for you and your children. He will do whatever he thinks he can hide from you. He seeks out risky behavior that come along with meeting women on the internet and having them over to your house for sex.

People who seek out risky behaviors tend to escalate over time. I doubt that he is telling you the truth. He is only admitting to what you have found out on your own.

I doubt it was 'only' bj's. That is another typical way that cheaters lie. They down play what they have done by admitting what they think is a lessor offense. Even if it was 'just' bj's, that's still sex.

Have you checked charges on bank cards, credit cards, etc for charges that you do not recognize?


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

I too get that sense that he is not telling everything. I have not checked charges on our accounts. He has a credit card that I don't see at all. I intend to ask to go through that.

Would you stay in a relationship like this? I know that had I found out before we got married or had kids , we will be history. Now with the babies, it hurts thinking about leaving and it is still so soon and yet uncertain to know how things will be from here on. Will you share this information with friends or family. I feel ashamed to and yet I wish I can have someone help me sort it through.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Lanisol

I too was shocked and hurt with my WW six month affair. I feel fortunate to have found TAM and I read thread after thread. Many people advise not to rush to a decision as your world has just exploded. You are in a tough position so my advice is to follow the advice you get from other posters that best pertains to your situation. I am a little over thirteen months from d-day and reconciling with my WW. So take a deep breath and try to calm down. You are probably feeling just as I did, and like so many other posters here. You have found a good place and most know exactly how you feel. This is so very important to be able to communicate with people who have walked in your shoes. 

I will tell you I was devastated, destroyed, humiliated, ashamed, lonely, depressed, suicidal, and broken. Nothing mattered in life anymore. I couldn't talk to anyone as I felt too embarrassed that I couldn't please my WW and she had to go elsewhere. My WW was my first. I couldn't tell family as they would react differently towards her. I felt alone and even more alone the more I was around people. I kept to myself at family parties whereas before I would interact with everyone and make them laugh. After the affair laughter became a thing of the past. I had difficulty at work, I couldn't concentrate. I went to marriage counseling with my WW, I have also been doing individual counseling for myself. 

You are going to feel many emotions and you will go up and down. This is the roller coaster and after a week you will be begging to get off, you won't have success. You have been dealt a most cruel blow that could ever be inflicted on you and your pain and anger will reach new heights. You will find you actually become a different person than you are. This is all normal, terrible, but normal. I can only advise to stay here and keep this site to yourself. Don't tell your husband, let this be your refuge. Vent here if it is cathartic for you to write this out. Maybe seek counseling if you feel that is needed, I know it has helped me. 

As for trusting your husband, you are correct in that trust is gone now. If you decide to reconcile he will need to earn your trust. If you decide to divorce you will both need to learn how to co-parent together. I am sorry you are here, but you have found a good place. You will get much needed help and advice that you can listen to or not. It is your choice. I wish you the best of luck, stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lanisol said:


> I too get that sense that he is not telling everything. I have not checked charges on our accounts. He has a credit card that I don't see at all. I intend to ask to go through that.
> 
> Would you stay in a relationship like this? I know that had I found out before we got married or had kids , we will be history. Now with the babies, it hurts thinking about leaving and it is still so soon and yet uncertain to know how things will be from here on. Will you share this information with friends or family. I feel ashamed to and yet I wish I can have someone help me sort it through.


I would be gone so fast it would make his head spin but I don't play.

If you can compartmentalize your emotions and think clearly, it will help you greatly. Calm and cool will see the best results for you.

With your emotions aside, you will see what you are married to and be able to make rational decisions.

Your marriage aside, he needs help. He is not healthy enough for marriage or even a committed relationship and as Ele says, he needs to get to the bottom of his idiotic and dangerous behavior.

Both of you need a panel of STD tests and I would advise some form of separation, if possible, until his defects are identified and being professionally addressed.

If you put your emotions to the side, your H is a first class loser that you should not be married to. He may do the hard work to become someone worthwhile in the future but he is not worth a second glance right now.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

It seems like this is the first round of things you have found out. From what I've read on TAM and other stories there is probably a lot more going on. The number of times he has done this suggests he's a total douche bag. It wasn't a one-time momentary lapse in judgment, he's a textbook philanderer. The odds of that stopping are pretty slim.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I would *NOT *tell your husband well if you don't have a reason then we need to get a divorce..

Because then he will trump up a reason to keep you and it will never really be resolved... He really, really needs to either admit or learn why he did what he did or continues to do it..

I utterly hate when a wayward spouse tries to downplay what they did.. Its just so insensitive, like you're making too much of a big deal about it.

Personally I think you are making a mistake in NOT telling the family.. Because what will occur is eventually he will remove any evidence and he will just play it up as the rantings of a soon to be crazy ex wife.. Or just say well I didn't get it at home so I had to get it somewhere.. 

He shamed you, so he should feel some shame as well. Only when they are embarrassed in front of their peers do they understand or end up catching a clue.. 

Please don't make this your dirty little secret, its not fair to you.. He fvcked up, not you..


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

he is not a man. real men do not cheat.

the following are my views on this. i am hard on cheaters...

i would expose him to family and friends. this shame will help him grow up. their knowing will help them support you. cheaters hate the light of truth. shine it brightly on him.

i would have him served with D papers. only you choose if you reconcile or not. you can hold D over his head. you can cancel or delay or continue at any time. he needs consequences for his actions. you need power over this.

get STD tested immediately. the child too if it occurred around then. this is also shock value on him. consequences.

you have the right to cancel the reconcilliation at any time for any reason. next week or 5 years from now.

if he is not a crying remorseful snot bubbling human stain at your feet, you'll have your answer about this pig. is he gonna grow up or be a pig. he owns his cheating 100%. you compete with no woman or hookers.

see a lawyer. read weightlifters evidence post (in my sig below). save and make copies of all evidence you have. keep copies in a safe place he does not know about. like a bank safety deposit.

would you date or marry a known cheater? well, you have. once you're away from him, fix your man-picker.

depending on his phone, you can recover deleted emails, texts, pics....

for iPhones..
Do a backup with itunes of the iphone to your PC. DO NOT use a password to save backup.

I use the free version of Aiseesoft called FoneLab (cannot save, just do screen prints. Saves money).

http://www.aiseesoft.com/iphone-data-recovery/

The iphone has a simple database type system that holds data.

Using FoneLab, you can recover from iOS Device or from iTunes Backupfile. Since you did the backup ---

- Select Recover from iTunes.
- Select the device to recover from the menu
- FoneLab will rebuild the backup into selections for recovering
Photos 
Photo Stream 
Contacts
Messages
Message Attachments
Call History
Calendar
Notes
Voice Memos
Safari Bookmarks.

You can select to see everything or Only Display Deleted items.

If you do screen captures, save them. If you purchase Fonelab you can recover the files to a folder you select.

I recommend you do the backup to itunes secretly, then spend what time you need on the PC with the backup. that way the phone wont go missing for long.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My first piece of advance is that you both go get tested for STDs. He has put your life at
> .
> .
> .
> ...


he did only had sex with non-prostates.....:scratchhead::


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would NOT stay in this marriage.

He has lied to you. As Elegirl says, he is a huge threat to your health. He engages in risky behavior and you don't even know the half of it. You can bet on it. 

Please listen to the experienced people here. There are observable patterns to human behavior (we all have the same basic DNA, after all) & your husband is following some standard patterns. We all know, for example, that he is still lying and that he didn't get just BJ's and happy endings. We also know that he has done far more than you know.

Please save yourself and your children now. If you don't you are in for continued heartache.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My first piece of advance is that you both go get tested for STDs. He has put your life at
> .
> .
> .
> ...


this would make it worse for sure...:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

How can you even remotely consider staying with a man who has lied to you and continues to keep the truth from you?

If you do decide to stay, "for the kids", then at least realize you can never, ever trust this man again and he'll continue to expose you to the danger of STDs, some of which can be fatal.

He's certainly not concerned for your well being, he's only looking after himself and his own needs. He's beyond selfish.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its just a detail but I wouldn't be surprised if it was "just" bjs - Its possible that is what he particularly likes.

In any case it doesn't really matter exactly what he did. He was intimate with prostitutes. You need to understand *WHY* he did that. If the reason hasn't gone away, then he will likely do it again. The OP needs to decide if she wants to stay in the relationship.

BTW: by "why" I don't mean that anything justifies the behavior, just that you need to know what is driving it. If it is driven by "he is selfish and just wants sex", then that reason won't go away. If it is driven by "he wants sex (or some sex act) and his wife won't sleep with him", then the reason could be removed .


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you all for the input. I have already taken some into consideration. I will reread these posts later in as I am at work. From what he has admitted to, he did do inter course once but didn't like it. 
The last time he attempted to contact those massage people was October 2013 but he is adamant he didn't act on it. The only reason he gives so far is instant gratification. We are still talking . I have since told a friend of mine and his mother . She advised counseling as soon as possible. He wants counseling. Prior to this happening, he was the perfect husband. My feelings are conflicting, obviously . This is also very new for me in that I have never had dealt with a cheat and stayed. I also didn't have children before. Thanks for the suggestions and advice.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Lanisol said:


> My husband and I will have a second anniversary this month. We have been together for 4 and half years and we have an 8 month old daughter and I am 4 months pregnant. Today I accidently discovered some old email messages and realized he was had relations with several prostitutes about 2 years ago. Up to this point in our relationship, we have not had any problems. He has always treated me well and I do the same. We have argued in the past but nothing that will keep us unhappy with each other for too long. He is an excellent father and until today I thought he was a great husband. I always felt so blessed!
> 
> I feel like we have been living under false pretense all this time! I had no idea. We did long distance for a year where I worked about 5 hours driving away so I worked one week and spent the other week with him. At the time when he did these things, we didn't have any problems. He took these women to an apartment that we shared together. He conducted these relations days before proposing to and months before we got married. I am so confused. I never saw this coming and I don't know what to do. It hurts me to think that my daughter should grow up not having her parents together. I kept looking at her and crying.
> I don't want to tell anyone about this dreadful thing because I don't want my family and friends seeing him differently. I don't know what to make of my marriage now. Or how I should go forward. I have heard some similar stories in the past and always felt people should not stay in cheating relationships. He says he finally stopped but I question if he really has since the situation does not encourage him these days. I worry that because he did this when things were supposedly good, what he will do if they get bad.?I have lost trust in him. Any advice on what I should do?? Thank you,


Dear Lanisol,

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in such a horrible situation.

What I want to tell you is that, while you will get a lot of really good advice on TAM, you will also be advised by some to not give your cheating husband a second chance and simply divorce him. Frankly, if it weren't for the fact that you have children, I might be one of them. However, given that divorce is hard on children and since you say that, until now, you considered him a good husband, I believe you owe it to yourself and your family to at least see if your marriage can be saved.

There are many resources available to help you with this. One that is commonly recommended is the Marriage Builders web site (Marriage Builders - Successful Marriage Advice). A book that is often recommended is _"Not Just Friends"_ by Dr. Shirley Glass (Amazon.com - Not Just Friends). I imagine other posters will recommend additional resources.

Hoping for the best possible outcome.


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you Carmen, I will definitely check out the information you referenced.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lanisol,

I am not sure if your husband would fall into the group that is often called a 'sex addict'. I am included to think he is. The reason is that he is seeking out dangerous situations. Picking up women online to have sex with is bad news. It's high risk behavior. 

Do you even know if the people he did this with are women? they could be men. Have you check that out? It happens more than you think.

Here is a link to a book that might help you...

Before the Dust Settles (Advice from a Sex Addict's Wife): 8 Mistakes to Avoid Immediately After Discovering Your Partner's Sex Addiction


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

What's hard on children are whoring and unhappy parents. 

Why are you believing anything that comes out of his lying whoring mouth?

He is soooo downplaying is actions, it's silly. I'm not new to this and I heard this crock from my cheating husband. 

Once time turned into at least eight years with at least 20 women I could put names too. 

You're beineg to trusting. Don't give the wheel to the driver who just wrecked the car. 

Take charge and stop trying for the truth right now. You're never going to get it. Best to move on while kids are young and resilient. Find a great loving man you and your children will be proud of. 

The longer you wait, the harder it will be. 

Sorry you are here but stay tough and move forward fast. He's bad husband and father material.


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you Elegirl. It is something to think about. Based on the content of a few emails, there were references to female parts. All the contacts had female names. At this point I expect to hear anything. I agree it's some sort of addiction or psychological defect. Part of what makes it hard is the fact that these encounters were impersonal with no emotional connection. Also that they were planned and deliberate. He contacted, got a reply. Contacted to set up time and rate. 

I told him it makes me question his value of women as it relates to sex. 
It feels like a different ball game than meeting someone and falling in love over time and then getting physical. 

At this point he can't really tell me why he has done it. We have been trying to set up counseling ASAP. I don't know for sure how I should act towards him. I need him to be around to help with the baby as I work long hours and we don't have family living close by.
I will also try to get the book recommended. With regards to stds, I am pregnant and have had them done and was negative. Both now and last year.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Lanisol said:


> Th From what he has admitted to, he did do inter course once but didn't like it.


I'm sorry, but did he think it was yucky ?
OR 
It wasn't your's so it didn't feel the same honey ?

I hope you don't believe that bullsh!t.. I am pretty sure you don't.. 

That is the retardedness I hate about this.. The utter dumb sh!t a cheater just tries to tell you and makes you believe. 

I get the whole they don't know what to say at this point, so they just try to downplay it as much as possible to make it better for us. But it just is just plain dumb

Lanisol,

My wife wasn't perfect.. I never expected her to be when I met her 20 plus years ago. She did have some E.A. that I caught her on before the actual P.A.

But its hard to explain beyond those moments in our lives, she was a good wife. We agreed on everything regarding the kids.. The kids education was our top concerns. We talked about future plans.. We made love 3 to 4 times a week. She sat on my lap at parties, gave me little kisses and made little funny faces and talked to me funny.. 

Other friends where shocked when they found out what she did and how she did it.. It truly was a wolf in sheeps clothing type of scenario.. 

I used to praise my Ex-wife to my friends.. How great she was, how lucky I was to have her.. I enjoyed coming home to see her.. 

I wish I could have people come here and just post testimonials about my ex wife and how we were seen by others.. 

But in the end they are who they are.. We just never seen what they were.. We didn't want to see this side of them.


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

Dear Hardtohandle,
What interactions he had with these women don't change anything. I see he is trying to down play and I have said to him that he should stop because it's stupid. 
I have given him a date of when he has to come totally clean with everything. We have been talking.

I can sense your pain and I relate to so much of what you say. My husband is admired by everyone. He is very nurturing, supportive. He never puts me down. He used to give me frequent massages which help during pregnancy. We have always had an active sex life and I really was happy until the revelation. What I think hurts most is the timing when he did some of these things. One week before he proposed. It feels as though he has spoilt and sullied everything we had that was so beautiful and in my mind , pure. I keep asking him if he believes in love and he says yes. I doubt he understands love. I thought love and respect could protect us. But I was wrong. I gave him the respect of privacy and almost never pried into some things. That will definitely change.

Although I feel terribly hurt, ashamed, deceived and broken. I have always been someone who strived to avoid bitterness despite what life may throw at me. I believe in those vows of marriage and even if I hurt, I made a vow of for better or for worse. I believe in forgiveness and although I wish it to go away at once, I know we have a lot if work to do.
I respect the opinions of others and I do know that until your walk in someone's shoes, you will never be able to truly understand.


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## Lanisol (Mar 4, 2015)

Does anyone know of online counseling services? Thank you,


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Lanisol said:


> Does anyone know of online counseling services? Thank you,


What kind of counseling, individual, marriage, sex addiction?

I suggest you do a Goggle search: on-line _____ counseling. Fill in the blank with the kind of counseling you're looking for.


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