# Separation without Being Bitter



## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

My husband asked for a separation last Friday. We have had issues for a number of years, but it reached an overwhelming level and that we both agreed to separate. I love him as he does me, but we can't be together. Not under current conditions. 

He's loved me despite having doubts about our marriage. He married me despite knowing my past and he's struggled to get through those issues. He's loved me through multiple (more than 2) pregnancy losses (most recent, right after Thanksgiving), infertility treatment, his own trust issues and my own depression (on and off) the last two and half years. Being physically and emotionally intimate was difficult, but we tried. We really did. 

We probably should have gotten help sooner, but I wasn't all together willing to get MC. I'd agree to it begrudgingly, search for a MC and would make suggestions, but convince myself that things were bother. So we'd just drop it because things got better. We'd have periods of "great" and other times, it would simply be awful. He couldn't reach me and I couldn't connect to him. I had a hard time communicating with him or expressing myself. 

There's no affair or third party. We've been faithful to each other. He may have had symptoms of an EA in passing with a couple of women including an ex (I found e-mails; FB messages), but I don't believe they were anything serious. 

Because of how much he's hurting, he's been drinking heavily (and has been for over 2-years) and unable to deal with stress well. I've asked him to get help, but he won't. To top it off, he found out that his mom is ill (life threatening) and he's questioning his mortality. He said he might be having a mid-life crisis. 

He blames my past (i.e. other men, relationships, dishonesty, abuse, baggage) for the fact that he's been in doubt for the last 8-years. I'm a good wife (not great), but I've failed him in so many ways. I feel terrible, but I need to let him go so that he can find happiness. 

I am trying to be strong without being bitter. We've both had legal counsel. We will meet over the weekend so that we can discuss the financials and what I need to know about the house, but I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to deal with this. I know that I MUST be strong for both our sakes. 

He will leave and head to another state, so I don't think this is workable. Moving across the country is a drastic decision. So if there's any inkling of hope, I'd think he'd want to be closer. 

We've removed our names from our various accounts. We hope to have a separation agreement in place before he leaves. Part of me wants a reconciliation because I believe in the value of marriage and the fact that I still love him very much. On the other hand, I'm not sure how we can stay married if we continue to go through the same issues every few months. 

I don't know how to handle all this. It's all happening so fast:

I'm afraid of being alone (I have never BEEN on my own - ever!)
I'm afraid that I won't be able to take care of my finances and the house (I make decent money, but it will be tight)
I'm afraid that this is the end of our marriage
I'm afraid that if this is the end, then that I will never find love again (I'm 35 this year)
I'm afraid for him and his health
I'm afraid that he'll find love and forget me
I'm afraid that I'll internalize all of this and not find an outlet to vent 

I know a lot of this is just irrational worry. I'm a strong independent woman. But this has taken quite the toll on me (and him).

How do I handle the conversation this weekend? How does once get through being calm? 

My marriage is currently a series of numbers, text messages and business arrangements. How do I get past this fear and deal with the day-to-day despite of what happens? My in-laws whom I've considered family aren't even communicating with me much etc. 

I'm praying. I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can't handle. But this is a lot. Particularly after a recent pregnancy loss. I can't even imagine going through this WITH children in the mix.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

With two girls let me tell you it sucks!
I would take a Valium !

I was crying the whole time while we were having the talk!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> With two girls let me tell you it sucks!
> I would take a Valium !
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lee - that made me laugh out loud (in the TAM way). Yes with kids this is exponentially harder.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

On the serious note, LIP, have you heard of the 180?


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Yes, I've heard of 180 and in my own way, I'm already already doing it. But it's still rough. I'm learning who my friends are and who are not, folks are taking sides etc. It bothers me, but I know by God's grace, I will somehow get through this.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You are already showing a lot of courage, things will get better. Hopefully you can reconcile, it sounds like you both still love each other.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

There's still a lot of love but also a lot of hurt and pain and stress. I worry about him and his health. I saw him last Wednesday and he looked awful. I have been struggling too, but I'm finding ways to cope without turning to alcohol or falling into a state of depression.

I move back into the house on Sunday but it's going to be scary knowing he won't be coming back after this. I will be utterly alone with no family in this country let alone close by. I've got a network of close friends, but I don't want to be a burden to them. There's a a lot of fear and uncertainty right now.

I am praying for good decisions and good directions and the strength to deal with my husband's own anger and hurt tomorrow.


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