# Rough time



## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Edit: Since this post, I am feeling better. I've corrected my sleeping schedule and am not as down in the dumps as I was, though I'm not completely out just yet. I believe just talking and getting it all out has really helped. 

I don't even know where to start. Mentally I'm not in the right place right now, all I can think about is how the world would be better off without me. I have this battle inside myself where I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not good enough, there are few days when I think I'm hot ****; most days I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world. My hubs and I have been married nearly 4 years, he is military and I'm a dependapotamus. No kids. We're in a new place, I have no friends. The one friend I did make broke into my home on base and stole from me, so now I'm very guarded when it comes to meeting new people, the one person I do keep in contact with here only messages me when she needs something, like she needs me to watch her dogs while she goes on vacation, besides that I don't hear from her at all, we used to go to yoga classes together, but the last 5 or so times we scheduled that, something came up and she blew me off at the last minute. My family lives across the country and every time I hear from my parents they complain about how having kids is a bad idea because us kids never take their advice. I've tried to make friends with my hubs' coworkers, but like the previous "friend" things always come up to disrupt our plans. I do admit I've probably been a very negative person lately. I just can't see the positive in anything. I'm starting school soon, so I guess that's one positive. 

Now I just feel like I'm rambling. 

I just want my husband to love me, to hug me like he used to. To hold my hand again, to give me kisses on the forehead before bed. I've been crying all night because the last 72 hours I've spent in bed asleep. He'll come home from work and go straight to his computer to play video games. I tell him what I want, he just can't meet those needs. I drove to town to get him breakfast yesterday morning, one of the couple hours I've actually been awake. I brought it home to him and put it on the bed next to him while I finished paying the bills and making sure everything finance wise is taken care of. I was downstairs doing this when he woke up, didn't notice the food, hopped in the shower and let the dogs eat it. This broke my heart. It's such a stupid petty thing and it shouldn't make me upset, but I just couldn't deal with it. He left for work, I said goodbye and went back to bed. I'm just now getting up again and he was laying in bed next to me on his back, his hands over his belly sleeping soundly. I laid my hand over his and remembered how warm he is, how warm his hands are when they used to hold my hands. I just started crying again and got out of bed. I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I just need to get it out I guess. I miss being loved, I'm so f*cking sad all of the time now. 

His sister flew in from across the country to spend time with us before she starts college, it was the most fun I've had in the last year. She left probably about 6 days ago, to be completely honest I've lost track of time and don't remember when she left... I have a younger brother, he's my only sibling. He hates me for some reason, blocked me on FB without saying a word. Every time I visit home my brother and I get into arguments over the pettiest things and we end up not talking for months on end. I envy my husband and his relationship with his sister, they actually love each other and do their best to take care of each other. I wish I had a relationship like that with my brother. 

I don't know what else to say besides I hate my life. I feel like I'm going nowhere but in a downward spiral. I just wish I could have a friend that didn't care about what services I could provide them. I wish I could have the same man back that I married 4 years ago. I wish he would still love me like he did then. I have been having these dreams recently about my hubs being hurt, shot or wounded in some way and I absolutely lose my mind and wake up immediately to make sure he's okay. The last dream was about us driving down a dirt road in complete darkness, we stopped to admire the stars and something down the road ahead of us was glowing. He got out to investigate and next thing I know someone is running past our truck faster than light. I jump out and run towards where I last saw him to see him laying on the ground with two gunshot wounds in his belly. I woke up immediately and yelled his name to make sure he was okay, only for him to say "give me 10 mins, I'm still in a game"... All I wanted to do was lay in bed and hold him to tell him about my dream and make sure he was actually okay. He walked in the room and saw I was awake only to walk out to the bathroom for a shower. I just wanted some comfort, to feel him hug me, to let me know everything was okay. I've had a lot of dreams recently similar to the one I just mentioned and I don't understand why. It would be better if I just didn't dream at all. It would all be better if I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I don't like dealing with the every day stress of life, of not being good enough, of not looking good enough, of not being enough period. I hate myself and I don't know what to do. 

This is probably the stupidest most pointless post on this site. I apologize, I just need to get it out somehow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You sound very depressed. You need to go see a doctor and probably get some anti depressants. Your life situation does not sound good and like it's really pulling you down. Anti depressants could help you get motivated to do something about all this.

You need counseling as well to get yourself out of this funk. The meds work best when you also have counseling.

Right now, I think that you need to concentrate on yourself. Then, once you have yourself in a better place you can work on the marriage.

Do you have a job? What do you do with your time?

What sort of things are you doing for yourself?

You need to meet people. Take a look at meetup.com and find things that you enjoy doing. And then go out and do them. Meet people. Get busy.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Yes, you need to get out of your head and out of your bed. Go volunteer to help others, a dog shelter, hospital, something that gets you out of your house and dwelling on yourself. Starting school will probably help, but go do something else. Be busy and around others. Helping others will boost your self esteem too. Also start a workout regimen. If you can't afford a gym, then find a track to walk around. Regular exercise will make you feel better about yourself.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You sound very depressed. You need to go see a doctor and probably get some anti depressants. Your life situation does not sound good and like it's really pulling you down. Anti depressants could help you get motivated to do something about all this.
> 
> You need counseling as well to get yourself out of this funk. The meds work best when you also have counseling.
> 
> ...



No job, haven't had one since I separated from the military. I just don't know what to do. I was in the medical field in the military, but I cannot stand on my feet too long thanks to circulation problems. Being someone that has worked in the medical field, especially the military side, I hate military doctors. I am not a fan of taking meds, but at this point in time I'll do anything. 

With my spare time, I'm either sleeping or... sleeping.. I try to get out on the weekends to ride dirt bikes, but the problem with that is my circulation. My legs end up in awful pain during and afterwards. If I could ride every day with no problems, I'd be out and about every single day. I love riding, I'd love to race motocross one day, but it seems that might be impossible.

Things that I do for myself, well... I don't know. I used to like making breakfast for my hubs in the morning before he goes to work, but I usually get griped at because I wake him up before his alarm goes off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sissylo said:


> No job, haven't had one since I separated from the military. I just don't know what to do. I was in the medical field in the military, but I cannot stand on my feet too long thanks to circulation problems
> 
> 
> sissylo said:
> ...


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

I was a surgical tech and I'm not certified. I am definitely used to being busy, but I also assume that most of what I'm going through is just from separating from the military and missing how day to day life was then. I miss it, and I agree, I definitely need a job. I'm afraid of working on base because of the possibility of running into the girl that broke into my house. She was a serious nut job... I have a line for a job for a place that will open here in October, the thing I'm worried about is being able to handle a job and full time college at the same time. 

I do have tri-care, but because I live on base and we're so close to the clinic, I'm stuck dealing with military doctors. The docs here refuse to give referrals to civilian docs because it costs much more than it would be to just see someone on base. 

I like to get up before my hubs does to make him breakfast because from the moment he wakes up until he walks out the door is probably less than 10 mins. He showers at night so that he can be up and out quickly, I wouldn't have time to get his breakfast ready before he walked out the door. He's not a morning person, so he's always grumpy and gripey in the morning. Which was why I attempted to leave his breakfast on the bed next to him only for him to not notice it and let the dogs get it.

I'm very shy, so when it comes to meeting new people I have a hard time opening up and being myself. I assume that's why the friend I was doing yoga with decided to stop going with me.


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## TheRaconteuse (Aug 2, 2016)

What are you doing when you feel like "hot sh$t"? Journal. Do more of those things. Seriously, you sound like you might be a touch bipolar right now. Not enough to need meds, but maybe enough that you need to journal what triggers the highs and lows, so you can keep yourself more on the upswing. That will boost your confidence and draw more friends into your life. 

And making breakfast for someone who doesn't notice is NOT petty or minor. Not in my world, at least.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

sissylo said:


> I also assume that most of what I'm going through is just from separating from the military and missing how day to day life was then.


I was in for 15 years and it took me another 15 years to shed this "fulfilling" need although I still fall back on the leadership I learned every day. 

May your's come sooner... volunteering at a VA -based organization was so rewarding for me the last few years... nothing like vets helping vets to make you feel really good about yourself and build your inner strengths for being very aware of the present.

Older vets LOVE someone to talk to... re-finding your purpose will get you mindful more quickly... we were soldiers, now we hold a different but no less important role in this life.

Please try counseling and self-strengthening spiritual development before drugs, although in the end they may be needed... those military doctors tried to feed prescriptions to me like candy, but refusal was my best path and eastern philosophies really set well in my time of need, thinking of you and sending you strength in today's LKM meditation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I get the feeling your husband IS addicted to video games.. which would be an awful thing to live with -even by itself... so when he is home.. this has sucked his time & energy away from you?? ...

You speak of how it USED TO BE, when he would hold your hand , kiss you on the forehead.. when you felt loved .... what brought on this falling away? Did this come on slowly.. or abruptly... were you fighting a lot? What are the core issues in your marriage? 

Do you have any depression , or bi-polar in your family ?? Addressing the depression seems urgent.. you are in a very bad place...

His seeing you LIKE THIS day after day could have caused him to shut you out, he may be at a loss too- to what to do.. Does he tell you to get help, does he offer ideas to help you get out of this slump.. or are things so bad.. he doesn't even seem to notice... the disconnect like a Grand Canyon? 

Not sure what issues brought about this downward spiral in your marriage.... You mentioned your brother.. what about other family.. do you speak to them?.. there is always Skye / Face time & ways to stay in touch.. I know a married woman with a baby , she moved here from another country... her husband is not home a whole lot as he works out of town weeks at a time.. she sure misses her family.....but she is always talking & chatting to them ..... seeing their faces on the screen.. it helps a lot.. you need to get involved in something YOU ENJOY ....to feel connected again... not so alone in the world... 

How do you feel about finding a place of worship?? ...There are generally activities to attend.. different groups you could become a part of....

What are your hobbies , what do you have passion for...or did at one time ?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

What are things you like to do for yourself beside making your H breakfest, which technically is not doing something for yourself.

You need to find things that you want to do for yourself to get you out of bed, whether it be get up and go for walks, exercise, a hobbie.It is hard I have gone through depression many times, got meds and it helped I felt like doing things again.

Have you talked to your H about feeling close to him? what has he said?


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm not sure how the whole quote thing works, when i've used it previously I had a bunch of garble show up in my response, so I'm just going to reference who I'm responding to before each response. Hope this isn't too confusing...

TheRaconteuse- When I feel like I'm hot $hit it's when I'm doing something for others, making my hubs breakfast, helping someone out, doing a job and doing/knowing it well. When I worked in the medical field I was at an all time high when I worked in the clinic setting, taking care of patients, doing procedures, talking with my patients, giving advice, helping them in any way really made my day. I separated from the military simply because I do not want to wipe butt for the rest of my life. I was a specialized surgical tech, I was able to assist with surgery as well as do procedures in a clinic setting, most of my time was spent in the clinic. I have circulation issues, so standing for long periods of time won't do me well. I end up passing out. Another reason why I separated.

EmergingBuddhist- Where my hubs is stationed now, we don't have a VA. I'm enrolled in school and first day of class will be aug 22. It's been a long time since I've been able to actually do something, I was enrolled at another school before my hubs got orders and the RNLTD on his orders was in the middle of the semester. To avoid having to pay back the GI bill by dropping classes halfway through, I decided to wait. When we got here, I applied at a university and my CCAF transcripts took months to arrive, I wasn't able to start school for the spring semester, so I've just been stuck waiting for the fall. I really feel like once I start school that my mental health will improve greatly, I'm just terrified of doing all this on my own. I'm terrified of failure.

SimplyAmorous- With video games not yet being taken seriously as an addiction, it's really hard for me to get any insight into this. We've been to marriage counseling over his gaming, drinking and smoking, but of course, it was through the military and our counselors (tho they were civilians) were crap. They fell asleep during our sessions and by the time we decided to switch we had used up the time we were allotted for that year for counseling. I honestly do feel like his gaming has sucked away his time and energy from me. He is so concerned with the time he spends when he's away from work. Our literal daily routine is as follows, he comes home from work, sits down in front of his computer and starts a skype call, if no friends are online for him, he'll play alone. The falling away I guess was just after we got married, I always ask him why things changed, he tells me that the courting phase is over, we're married and that's that. I tell him all the time that we need to do things together as a couple, have quality time together. Anytime I try to pull that off, he invites his friends out with us to dinner, or he'll bring them over to the house. It's like he's afraid to be alone with me. He's always been a very closed person, he doesn't like to share things. 

The core issues in our marriage, in my opinion are this: his drinking, I can see the physical impact that it is making on him. We've been married almost 4 years and it seems like he's aged a decade. I have even taken pictures of him and shown him the difference, he doesn't see it. Both of my biological grandfathers are/were alcoholics, I'm predisposed to it genetically, so I don't like to drink, I'm afraid of becoming like them. He's always been a smoker, but one of said grandfather's just passed away from cancer (we're not sure if smoking/dipping caused the cancer) and with that happening, it really made me think about his health and my health and how I want so much for him to live a long life with me. I enjoy cooking for us as well, but he doesn't like a lot of things that I make, he hates vegetables; so I quit cooking. I love vegetables and have to have them in every meal I cook... It seems he doesn't understand that what he eats has an impact on his health. He has no concern for the future, no plans, but I do. I have asked him several times over the years to quit, but after my grandfather's passing I am more adamant about it. To the point where I have taken his cigarettes and broken them in half and thrown them away. He says he understands why I want him to take better care of himself, he just can't bring himself to do it. So, I try my best to help him. I don't think that we fight often, but he does. We bicker over little things, but I don't like to hold grudges, so the next morning I'll wake up and I'm done with it, it happened, it's over. I don't know if he likes to just hold on to things, or if arguing is more of a bigger deal to him than it is to me. I have a potty mouth, (thanks military) so maybe when we argue and I curse it seems to him a bigger deal than it really is? I don't know. I never cursed before I enlisted, that was just something I picked up while in and it's made me feel more passionate about the things I talk about when I speak. 

Do I have depression in the family... Yes, my mother has been depressed in the past, but has gotten out of it. She was never on meds, just had a crappy situation happen to her as she was growing up and she held onto that for a long time. About 10 years ago she decided that the thing that happened will no longer have hold on her or her life and she's moved on. She is a much happier person because of that. 

My hubs has tried to give me advice on things to do to feel better and I do listen, I hate working out, unless it's playing some kind of sport. Throwing a football up in the air to myself in the front yard is pretty lame. If he'd put down the games and come do something like that with me, I would have no complaints. He definitely notices when I'm down in the slumps. To be honest, when I'm feeling bad is the only time he'll really give me any attention. Except when I cry. When I cry he can't hug me, he can't comfort me, he's afraid of me showing too much emotion. He's very emotionless himself, except before we got married. He loved holding my hand, complimenting me, spending time with me, doing all sorts of things. I like crafty things, but hate the clutter that accompanies it, so I avoid it. 

I actually speak to my family very often over FB messenger. We use video calling and will chat about anything and everything. I just enjoy spending time in person with other people. I'm shy, but I'm a people person... I know that probably doesn't make much sense, but that's how I am. lol I did make a couple friends here (we're in a new place), but one ended up breaking into my home and stealing from me, since then I've been very guarded and afraid to meet new people, so I don't have hardly any people here in person that I actually talk to or hang out with.

As for a place of worship... I'm an athiest. My grandparents forced me into church when I was younger and I couldn't stand it. I rebelled. lol


Lost me- Things I like to do for myself... Well I like to do active things, things outside the house, my problem is I can't get my hubs out to do things with me. He always chooses video games over me. It never fails. I'm really not a fan of taking daily meds and I've had friends before that have been on meds, it scares me to see how much they can change a person. I've spoken to my hubs about not feeling close to him, I beg him to take me out on dates or go with me to the nearest big town to do things together, like I said before, his video games take precedence over me. No matter what we do together, if we spend any amount of time together, he has to make up for it with time spent playing video games. When we were dating, this wasn't an issue at all. Though, we dated for a short time. We met each other on a video game 11 years ago, kept in contact and when we met in person things were amazing. Every time we were together, it was real time together, it was quality time. He didn't mind holding hands or complimenting me (things he rarely does now). I didn't have to beg him to spend time with me, he did that all on his own, he didn't drink every time we spent time together.. I didn't start smoking cigarettes until I met him, but I picked it up when he moved to another state for a job, it was a stupid move, very stupid move. I just wanted to be closer to him, so when he'd go outside to smoke, I'd want to go with him. Now it's so hard to get him to quit, but to help, I've stopped and picked up vaping.. Another thing he introduced me to. Though it's better than smoking (supposedly) I'm having a hard time putting down my vaporizer... I figure once school starts and I have other things to focus on I'll be able to put it down.... I apologize, I got totally off track on this response. 

Sorry for the long/late responses, but I showed him my post, as well as previous posts and convinced him to make an account and come on here and post for himself to see what answers he would get. Him actually coming on here to write a post makes me feel like he really does care, I am not willing to leave him unless he leaves himself, he knows this. I love him more than anything else in the world and I want him to know that, I tell him every day. I just wish he could do the same for me. I know he cares, he's just not good at showing emotion or saying what he means. (I hope.)


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

My biggest piece of advice is this:

STOP looking for love and validation outside of yourself! Turn inward. You need to LEARN how to love YOURSELF.

I know this sounds kind of lame, but I swear, I think this will fix your situation. A few things for me to say...

1. A woman who has no self confidence and no passion or desire for life is not attractive. No one wants to spend time with someone who sits around feeling sorry for herself and complaining.
I know that sounds harsh; but its the truth.

2. You're bored. You're bored and your lonely and you don't love yourself enough to do anything about it. You're waiting for your husband to pick you up and brush you off and make you happy. I'm telling you right now.. He Won't. He will not.
YOU need to make yourself happy right now.

3. You need to DEMAND to be treated better, honey. He's putting video games before you because you're allowing him to! My H is also addicted to gaming, trust me, I know it's a REAL thing.. and I know how sh!tty it is to be married to a video gamer. But you need to respect yourself enough to not allow it.
That means telling, not asking, but telling him to get off and spend time talking to you. Start there. If he doesn't, you need to consider his REAL feeling towards you.

4. Screw him; for a little while. Ya know, he's a big boy, he can manage himself. Right now, I honestly think you need to work on yourself. Go get your hair done, get a mani-pedi, buy some new clothes, get your teeth cleaned and buy a self love book. Read a chapter every night and than journal about how it made you feel.
YOU will slowly start to feel better about yourself, and that confidence WILL be more attractive to him.

5. Write yourself love letters. This sounds lame, but someone gave me this advice and it's been AMAZING advice. When you feel good, sit down and write yourself a letter as if you're writing to a friend. Be as kind and as sweet as if it were a friend. Tell yourself everything you wish you would hear from someone else.. and than save it. Read it when you're feeling down. Re-read it. Than write another one, and re-read that one.
I honestly, have a BOX of letters that I've written to myself and they are all loving and supportive and sweet.

I really think you need to stop focusing so much on your husband and start paying attention to YOU. No one else is taking care of you; not him, that's for sure. SO. Be your own saviour. Love yourself, honey. Talk to yourself kindly. Focus on your best qualities. 

Start there; and you'll be amazed at how life follows.
Good luck xo


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> My biggest piece of advice is this:
> 
> STOP looking for love and validation outside of yourself! Turn inward. You need to LEARN how to love YOURSELF.
> 
> ...



I honestly feed chipper after reading your response. I tried to make a change as I got out of bed this morning. I had breakfast, cleaned up the house a little, showered and did my makeup (makeup rarely happens nowadays), played with the dogs and now I just want to get out of the house. Don't know where I'll go, but I just want to get out and do something. I may even go to the park to walk around and catch pokemon. 

I'm not typically good at taking gentle advice, I need someone to kick my a$$ just like they did in the military, that's what gets me going. 

I just wish I knew how to demand things from people, I've always tried to be very polite when it comes to people, I don't like to demand, I don't like to be rude. I always try to put others before myself because I don't want to feel selfish. I'll go out of my way to make something more convenient for someone else, even if I'm way more inconvenienced, even if I don't know the person. I try to do good in all I do, I try to be as sweet as I can to others in hope that I get the same treatment in return. I've been $hit on several times in my life because of how I am. I've been cheated on in previous relationships and it completely broke me. I just don't know how to demand.

I will take your advice though, I will do everything you've suggested. Tho, I did just get my hair done about a month ago. It was a drastic change and I've really enjoyed it. Would you happen to know of a good self love book to recommend to me? I can do the writing letters part easy, I've never heard of that before, but I enjoy writing and could see myself making a habit of that. 

Thank you for your response, I really feel like you understand.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

sissylo said:


> I just wish I knew how to demand things from people, I've always tried to be very polite when it comes to people, I don't like to demand, I don't like to be rude. I always try to put others before myself because I don't want to feel selfish. I'll go out of my way to make something more convenient for someone else, even if I'm way more inconvenienced, even if I don't know the person. I try to do good in all I do,* I try to be as sweet as I can to others in hope that I get the same treatment in return*. I've been $hit on several times in my life because of how I am. I've been cheated on in previous relationships and it completely broke me. I just don't know how to demand.
> QUOTE]
> 
> I definitely understand this. I am the same way. It's something I've been working on, myself. It takes a lot of work to learn to stand up for yourself.. because that's what you're doing when you "demand". You're using your backbone and standing up for yourself. You're respecting yourself.
> ...


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