# What now?



## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Husband is cheating, we’re going through a divorce and all I can focus on is where did I go wrong. It was a toxic marriage, we both contributed but his stonewalling, lack of empathy and emotion killed everything. He wouldn’t talk unless I said something. And he videotaped us without my knowledge and I couldn’t move beyond that betrayal. At every argument, I’d bring it up. I questioned who I was married to. I told him that he didn’t have any values or morals and I could never trust him again and his only response was”just look at yourself”.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

YOU did not go wrong. YOU did not make him cheat. Cheating is 100% on HIM and his lack of character.
Yes, you may have contributed to issues in the marriage (we all do), but THAT doesn't "cause" him to cheat.
Turn your focus to improving yourself (gym, eat healthy, developing hobbies) and NOT where you went wrong. Any of the "what went wrong" should be on how to improve yourself for your next relationship.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> YOU did not go wrong. YOU did not make him cheat. Cheating is 100% on HIM and his lack of character.
> Yes, you may have contributed to issues in the marriage (we all do), but THAT doesn't "cause" him to cheat.
> Turn your focus to improving yourself (gym, eat healthy, developing hobbies) and NOT where you went wrong. Any of the "what went wrong" should be on how to improve yourself for your next relationship.


Thank you! I’m here listening to him type to her and wondering how callous he can be. He’s always been socially awkward, and completely out of touch with those around him. I don’t know anything else but my kids, cooking, cleaning and working. I like to read and take walks, and enjoy people’s company. I have to try to make time to do something outdoors but this mess has consumed me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He's just being a vindictive **** when he is communicating with her while you are around.
You should check out meetup.com -- there are many groups that do a TON of different activities (not a dating site!) -- you may find something in your area you like -- even if it's just a hiking group. Start living YOUR life, and the life you want to have with your kids when he is gone.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You didn't go wrong. You are doing the best thing for you by ending this toxic night mare.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Lostinthelight said:


> Husband is cheating, we’re going through a divorce and all I can focus on is where did I go wrong. It was a toxic marriage, we both contributed but his stonewalling, lack of empathy and emotion killed everything. He wouldn’t talk unless I said something. And he videotaped us without my knowledge and I couldn’t move beyond that betrayal. At every argument, I’d bring it up. I questioned who I was married to. I told him that he didn’t have any values or morals and I could never trust him again and his only response was”just look at yourself”.


You did nothing wrong.. please don't beat yourself up. Reading your post took me back to what happened to me.. He was cold as well. 

After my split I took to expressing myself through art.. perhaps you can add that to things to try? Join a Meetup group in your area if there are any as well for the things you enjoy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Lostinthelight said:


> Husband is cheating, we’re going through a divorce and all I can focus on is where did I go wrong. It was a toxic marriage, we both contributed but his stonewalling, lack of empathy and emotion killed everything. He wouldn’t talk unless I said something. And he videotaped us without my knowledge and I couldn’t move beyond that betrayal. At every argument, I’d bring it up. I questioned who I was married to. I told him that he didn’t have any values or morals and I could never trust him again and his only response was”just look at yourself”.



As dr. phil say "you can't fix what you don't own", while i may not agree with everything he say this absolutely agree with....you husband has be a cheater, a liar, a gas lighter and in the end he say "look at yourself" really really? deflection much buddy. Sadly you married someone who is broken and more importantly you did not contribute to his brokeniness (not sure that is a word but let's go with it), you had nothing to do with him being broken....he obviously came into the marriage broken or became that way on his own........but either way this is not yours to fix and he clearly thinks none of this is his fault....god i hate excuses like" you drove me to drink or you drove me to have sex with someone else" now i am not suggesting he said those exact words to you but i do suspect given what you have shared he is a blame shifter and with that you can only play one hand, walk away and learn from it.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> As dr. phil say "you can't fix what you don't own", while i may not agree with everything he say this absolutely agree with....you husband has be a cheater, a liar, a gas lighter and in the end he say "look at yourself" really really? deflection much buddy. Sadly you married someone who is broken and more importantly you did not contribute to his brokeniness (not sure that is a word but let's go with it), you had nothing to do with him being broken....he obviously came into the marriage broken or became that way on his own........but either way this is not yours to fix and he clearly thinks none of this is his fault....god i hate excuses like" you drove me to drink or you drove me to have sex with someone else" now i am not suggesting he said those exact words to you but i do suspect given what you have shared he is a blame shifter and with that you can only play one hand, walk away and learn from it.


Thank you. Our marriage has been a mess from the beginning


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you! I’m here listening to him type to her and wondering how callous he can be. He’s always been socially awkward, and completely out of touch with those around him. I don’t know anything else but my kids, cooking, cleaning and working. I like to read and take walks, and enjoy people’s company. I have to try to make time to do something outdoors but this mess has consumed me.


He is callous. Use the pain you are feeling. Channel it into action. Stop wallowing & start protecting yourself. 

You do know things. You work. Focus on that. Get your finances together. Make a plan. Continue taking walks. Use that time to clear your head . Since you like to read, get some self help books to assist you with the process. 

This mess will consume you for a while. It is a lot to process. 

You best find out what happened to those tapes he made of you & make sure you get your hands on all of them.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> He is callous. Use the pain you are feeling. Channel it into action. Stop wallowing & start protecting yourself.
> 
> You do know things. You work. Focus on that. Get your finances together. Make a plan. Continue taking walks. Use that time to clear your head . Since you like to read, get some self help books to assist you with the process.
> 
> ...


I have no idea what he did to the recordings. He's in IT Security so that is a lost cause unfortunately. I'll always wonder about them. He ended our marriage when he did that and he could never understand that.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is normal to feel as you do and question yourself , it is not a question of where did you go wrong but how will you find the power to lift yourself back up 

many people see themselves through things like their marriage if it is good they see themselves as good and healthy but if it is bad they are nothing ,

WE don't know where and when you marriage went wrong 
and having a husband that cheats is not a good thing 
but was the cheating the first time you saw cracks in your marriage 
did he have the right reasons going into the relationship or was it just thinking ho i can get sex on tape we don't know 

people do change some people come together some times they go the other way 
you need your family more now than ever , and reach out for all types of help , 

the worst part of divorce is when the people you love pull each other down ,
so find other people that lift you up if your ex is pulling you down cut contact with him to as little as you can , in the same way porn is not real life either is movies where we see people going through divorce doing it like adults picking up the kids and dropping them off in a right way


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is normal to feel as you do and question yourself , it is not a question of where did you go wrong but how will you find the power to lift yourself back up
> 
> many people see themselves through things like their marriage if it is good they see themselves as good and healthy but if it is bad they are nothing ,
> 
> ...


You’re right. There are many reasons for why my marriage fell apart. I didn’t take the time to heal from my previous abusive marriage from which I thought I couldn’t survive. I almost died as my exH attempted to kill me multiple times. With this STBXH, I was broken, lacked the trust but loved him dearly. He was too broken, and avoided all communication, and everything began to fall apart. He couldn’t understand me, as I’m too independent but also conservative in my ways, while he wanted me all to himself. He didn’t trust people, was too possessive. So his lies, just drained me, and now the affair which he continues to deny even though I have proof, and the secretive way of him hiring an attorney months ago, signing a lease on a place, all of this is just too much. Here I am, after finding these papers by accident, then scrambling to find a place myself and leaving me with our marital debt just tells me, he was never who I thought he was. He sits here now, texting his gf, who herself just served her H, with no regard for anyone in this house.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lostinthelight said:


> You’re right. There are many reasons for why my marriage fell apart. I didn’t take the time to heal from my previous abusive marriage from which I thought I couldn’t survive. I almost died as my exH attempted to kill me multiple times. With this STBXH, I was broken, lacked the trust but loved him dearly. He was too broken, and avoided all communication, and everything began to fall apart. He couldn’t understand me, as I’m too independent but also conservative in my ways, while he wanted me all to himself. He didn’t trust people, was too possessive. So his lies, just drained me, and now the affair which he continues to deny even though I have proof, and the secretive way of him hiring an attorney months ago, signing a lease on a place, all of this is just too much. Here I am, after finding these papers by accident, then scrambling to find a place myself and leaving me with our marital debt just tells me, he was never who I thought he was. He sits here now, texting his gf, who herself just served her H, with no regard for anyone in this house.


 not good what you have been through 
People just have a way of making life hard for others bad enough when it is from people that are outside but when it is from people that you let in it is the worst


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> not good what you have been through
> People just have a way of making life hard for others bad enough when it is from people that are outside but when it is from people that you let in it is the worst


Yes, that’s why I’m having a hard time quashing my feelings. I’m still cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry and wondering when I’ll learn my lesson. But I won’t let him change who I am.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lostinthelight said:


> ..............I’m still *cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry* and wondering when I’ll learn my lesson.* But I won’t let him change who I am*.


I agree you should not let him change who you are. However, you must work on changing who you are especially if you are still cooking, cleaning and doing this cheater's laundry.

Get yourself into some counseling and seriously change who you are. Learn how to set boundaries.

As to the video that was the last straw. Find out if where you live has a Revenge Porn Law. Since there is a USA flag under your name you should know that ".....As of 2020, 42 states and the District of Columbia have specific laws outlawing distribution of revenge porn...." It doesn't matter if your soon to be Ex is an IT expert. Have as part of the divorce settlement the destruction of the video. Have your attorney write up that part of the settlement that if he ever does use it for Revenge Porn he will be both guilty of a crime and perhaps contempt of court.

Good luck and stop doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I agree you should not let him change who you are. However, you must work on changing who you are especially if you are still cooking, cleaning and doing this cheater's laundry.
> 
> Get yourself into some counseling and seriously change who you are. Learn how to set boundaries.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your advice. I will definitely ask my attorney to add that clause.


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