# Need Advice



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I recently discovered my wife had an affair on me. A mutual friend of ours broke down and told me about my wife cheating on me, because she couldn't keep the secret anymore. I took this information and confronted my wife about it. I didn't initially let on that I had hard proof, but I questioned her about the incident that we had discussed in the past, and told her I was still not convinced that there wasn't more to the story than she was telling me. 

6 years ago, I had come across an email that she had sent her friend that discussed meeting up with another man, and it implied that she had seen this man on previous occasions as well. I was shocked and hurt at the time, and confronted her about it then. She claimed that it was just a friendship, and that nothing had ever happened. That she and her friend and another female friend were all just hanging out with this guy and a few other friends. I pushed further, and she admitted that he had tried to kiss her once and she had stopped him. At the time, I wanted to believe her, and accepted that this was the truth. 

So now, I had the TRUTH about what happened, and knew there was more to the story. I asked her again if more had happened than she was telling me. She said no. I have her two more chances to tell me the truth and she continued to deny anything more had happened. I finally told her that I had learned the truth from our friend, and I knew she had sex with the other man. At that point, she tried to blame shift and tell me how long ago it was and she was young and immature and that I shouldn't hold it against her now (this all happened 6 years ago). She apologized and cried and asked me to forgive her. 

I told her that if she would have told me the truth THEN, that I would have divorced her and moved on. We have since had a child who is 4, and she claims that since we now have a child, and things have been good since then, that I should at least give her another chance. My belief, at least as it stands, is that it isn't my fault that I didn't get the truth back then, and everything since has happened built on a foundation of lies. 

Am I being shortsighted in holding to my values and beliefs? We always agreed if one of us cheated, that would be the end of things. Why now should that be altered? And it isn't my fault that she lied to protect herself back 6 years ago. 

I found all of this out within the last week, so it's all still fresh in my head. I can't imagine being in a trusting, committed relationship with her ever again. I think of her touching another man and him touching her, and the visions make me sick. I told her at some point, I hope to be able to forgive her to the point of having a civil relationship for the sake of our child, but I don't think I can be in a relationship with her again. She wants to go to counseling to try to work through things, but at this point, I don't see why I would if I don't want to work things out.

Has anyone else had experience with finding out the truth well after the actual affair? I feel like if I forgive her, it's like me saying if you do something bad, if you lie about it and cover it up, and hopefully a bunch of time goes by, that it somehow becomes less bad. Like the statute of limitations runs out.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I am only a couple weeks out from Dday, and my husband's affair was active at the time I found out. I know it doesn't fit the situation you're looking for, but here's my perspective.

I had always told my husband cheating would be a dealbreaker for me and I would divorce him in a heartbeat. When the time came, however, I found that the years of investment in our marriage, and our two children, as well as my own need to make sure I had done everything I could to salvage what I had always intended to be my only marriage, made it worth taking the chance on a possible reconciliation.

For me, reconciliation is absolutely contingent upon his cutting off all contact with the other woman, continuing marriage counseling, individual therapy, and owning full responsibility for the LTA (long-term affair). I also have to own the part I played in the breakdown of our marriage, that led it to be weak enough to allow another woman in. I've done most of that over the years, but I still have work to do.

I have talked to an attorney, just in case, because I honestly do not know if he is capable of holding up his end of the bargain at this point.

This is a gift of love I have chosen to make that he does not deserve. I do it because of our shared history, because I can still see the good, because - though I'll never forget - I hope I will be able to forgive in time.

Others here have made different decisions. You have to make the one that works for you. 

Unless I missed it, you don't mention when you confronted your wife and learned the full truth from her. _(Edited to note - I did miss it. It's been about a week)_. If it's recent, you may want to take some time to think about what you really want, and what you're capable of when it comes to continuing with a spouse who cheated.

Forgiveness is a gift after an affair, not an obligation, and you did tell her up front that cheating was a dealbreaker. You're well within your rights to file tomorrow if you wish, and no one here would blame you.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> I recently discovered my wife had an affair on me. A mutual friend of ours broke down and told me about my wife cheating on me, because she couldn't keep the secret anymore. I took this information and confronted my wife about it. I didn't initially let on that I had hard proof, but I questioned her about the incident that we had discussed in the past, and told her I was still not convinced that there wasn't more to the story than she was telling me.
> 
> 6 years ago, I had come across an email that she had sent her friend that discussed meeting up with another man, and it implied that she had seen this man on previous occasions as well. I was shocked and hurt at the time, and confronted her about it then. She claimed that it was just a friendship, and that nothing had ever happened. That she and her friend and another female friend were all just hanging out with this guy and a few other friends. I pushed further, and she admitted that he had tried to kiss her once and she had stopped him. At the time, I wanted to believe her, and accepted that this was the truth.
> 
> ...


I felt exactly like you at the time I found out about his A. I went looking for advise too. The experts say that you need to put off life altering decisions until you are not in the middle of an emotional storm. I took that advise, and we went to counseling ,( I did not want to ) Which I believe would be a very good idea for you and your wife, even if the outcome is only an amicable divorce. My H kept lying to me for quite some time too, it's relatively normal. No one wants to expose their vulnerable self and risk losing their partner. A's are a form of self delusional additive behavior with roots in the cheaters childhood usually. They have a hole in their ego and under the right (wrong ) circumstances they are more likely then less wounded souls to succumb to an A. I didn't know that at the time, and frankly I didn't care. I just felt like a victim and I wanted him gone. I am very glad I did not follow my initial inclinations. There were things wrong with us, that I did not know about, things that we have been able to fix, and now we are getting better every day. We are closer then we have ever been and a great deal more honest with each other. It is very, very hard to deal with this, but you can come out of this stronger and better (really). You need also to think about what is best for your child. Custody and visitation issues can be a PIA. If the past few years have been good ones, it can be good again if you can hang in there.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

This is just my opinion, however, I have never experienced this. I love my husband more then anything in the world ANYTHING. Only thing I would leave him for is, of course, Cheating and after the first time. Would I want to give him a second chance? YES! Would I? No!!!! I believe, that if someone cheats- they don't "truly" love you. and you deserve better and CAN find better someone who will not hurt you in such a way. Maybe you should get s separation to think about things. Just my opinion.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Iam4391 - I don't know of a single person of my acquaintance who ever believed, prior to infidelity, that they would stay. It is always a dealbreaker when it hasn't happened to you.

I do know of several people who maintained that stance after infidelity; I also know of a great many others who found that, in the end, you never really know what you will do with it until actually confronted with the gut-wrenching reality - and they chose to stay.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> Iam4391 - I don't know of a single person of my acquaintance who ever believed, prior to infidelity, that they would stay. It is always a dealbreaker when it hasn't happened to you.
> 
> I do know of several people who maintained that stance after infidelity; I also know of a great many others who found that, in the end, you never really know what you will do with it until actually confronted with the gut-wrenching reality - and they chose to stay.


:iagree:

For anyone lucky enough not to have been here, you really are in 'cloud cookoo land' if you really think you know how you'll react if ever faced with it.

I am currently still finding out 'truths' heading towards 7 years since d-day, nothing like more sex sessions, but more things that point to emotions etc., (relevant to us as she always denied any emotional feelings - I'm finally managing to encourage her to realise what her affair was/meant to her rather than be in denial). This forum has assisted with this very well as I've been able to copy/paste any good posts which say what I mean, but in a much better/easier to understand way.

One thing I have learnt is that a kneejerk reaction to anything is not a good idea. It's worth taking some time to fully realise what you want/need to do. Each to their own of course...


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## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

Is she being completely honest with you about what happened in this past? 

Has she mentioned counseling as an option? 

Is she trying to do everything in her power to stay married?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm curious if the mutual friend may have more information to offer as to why she chose to wait 6 years to expose your wife's affair. Could it be that your wife confided in her that her lover was back and that your wife wanted to continue where she left off 6 years ago? It's worth it to find out because as you've seen, cheaters seldom tell the whole truth.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I am living with other family at the moment. I decided that I needed some space and I didn't want our child to have to witness the strained relationship and arguments.

My wife and I have been having some marital issues as of late, and I was talking to our friend about this and about how my wife has been distant, and I wondered if there could be someone else. This must have finally triggered her to tell me the truth. It was a tough burden for her to bear for all those years.

I found out last night, that there were actually two different men 6 years ago. One of the men she made out with on a few different occasions, and the other man she made out with and it eventually led to sex. I also found out that 2 years ago, she was drunk and out with some friends, and she was 'just flirting' with a guy at the bar, and he kissed her. She admits that she kissed him back, but after 10 seconds or so, she stopped when she realized what she was doing. 

At this point, I wonder if there is more that she isn't telling me. The trickle truth phenomenon.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> I am living with other family at the moment. I decided that I needed some space and I didn't want our child to have to witness the strained relationship and arguments.
> 
> My wife and I have been having some marital issues as of late, and I was talking to our friend about this and about *how my wife has been distant, and I wondered if there could be someone else.* This must have finally triggered her to tell me the truth. It was a tough burden for her to bear for all those years.
> 
> I found out last night, that there were actually two different men 6 years ago. One of the men she made out with on a few different occasions, and the other man she made out with and it eventually led to sex. I also found out that 2 years ago, she was drunk and out with some friends, and she was 'just flirting' with a guy at the bar, and he kissed her. She admits that she kissed him back, but after 10 seconds or so, she stopped when she realized what she was doing.


I knew it! It's almost like these cheaters go to the same secret academy for the unfaithful.

So much for her fling of 6 years ago being the product of being 'young and immature'.

This woman does not deserve to be trusted at all. You should get tested for STD ASAP.



> At this point, I wonder if there is more that she isn't telling me. The trickle truth phenomenon.


Oh believe it. But how is more evidence going to change things for you? You've got more than enough evidence that she is a serial cheater. Case closed.

Whether or not you want to remain married to this woman is up to you, but you should seek legal counsel to prepare yourself in the eventuality that she files for divorce first. The US divorce statistics show that women file 67% of the time and so that means there's more than a good chance that she will pre-empt you. Believe me you don't want to find yourself unprepared if and when the time comes.

Good luck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

time and a good/great relationship with God helps.

helps in sense of, wisdom, strength, forgiveness, etc.

if u stay, u stay knowing u must forgive, as its nec for yer own
mental health as well as for her benefit. u stay knowing that
the marriage u "had" no longer exists (maybe never existed?),
and that u r onto a whole 'nother animal now.

either way........buckle up bronco!

u have free will, but choose wisely. don't choose one action or
path today, and reneg yerself mths/yrs later like some here on 
TAM have done (and this based on their "feelings" at that).

shalom yeladem.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Would any of our female posters like to chime in?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If your wife---has become distant---there is something going on

Remember this---your wife is a master, at deception, at manipulation, and a master at lying---she has looked you in the eyes for 6 long years---every single night when you came home, and said everything is fine, stated how she loved you---so don't believe anything she says now---more than likely you won't anyway---after finding out your wife has been with 2 men, that you know of, and possibly a 3rd just 2 yrs ago!!!!!---what was she doing in a bar w/out you, getting drunk, and making out, with another guy, anyway---how did that situation even come about

You have had to drag the truth out of your wife---now all of sudden she loves you---she has a strange way of showing it

She wants to go to marital counseling---she has that all wrong, also,--the counseling that is needed is for her to go to IC, and find out why she needed to cheat on you with at least 3 different strange men, and who knows how many more---and she also needs to to delve into this distancing herself from you, at present

Don't be surprised if she does everything, and anything she can to keep you in this mge---If you D. her she is looking at being a divorced single women who cheated on her H, 3 times, plus she has a child----thats not what most decent guys are looking to hook up with------she will also have to work, one to two jobs to make ends meet---she will need to do everything the two of you did together, she will now have to do all those things by herself---that kind of life does not look very appealing to her

Believe me when I tell you---a whole lot of betrayed's stay cuz they do not want to go out into the big world on their own---they have become comfortable with their mge., and the thought of leaving terrifies them---It is I imagine the same for the cheating spouse---that is why so many couples do stay together---and some may say they are fine---but I guarantee there is lot of misery, for both spouses---I don't care what they say in that they claim everything is fine---they are both LYING THRU THEIR TEETH----things are not fine---and might never be good again----The sub-conscious makes sure neither spouse ever forgets

You must do what is best for you---You first---then your child---as to your wife----that is up to you---you are the one who has to look at her day after day---knowing what she did---and how little she thought of you---to the point of total disrespect, for you, and the sacred vows she took

IMHO---I think the really hard thing for you to now handle---is the lying---how easily she found it to lie to you, and to continue to lie to you---I imagine you will never trust her again---so what kind of a life---can you envision, when everytime she goes out on her own---you will be wondering what she is REALLY doing


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

The more recent situation where the guy kissed her at the bar, she was out for a 'girls night' with her friends. We both on occasion will go out with our friends and have some drinks and a night out. She has a group of friends that try to get together for a night out, happy hour or whatever maybe once a month or so. They also go on a camping weekend every summer. I do the same thing with my friends, we head out of town to go fishing one weekend over the summer, and will meet up maybe once a month for a night out, maybe catch a ballgame or something. I wasn't naive to think that men weren't going to approach her and her friends when they are out, but I never thought she would be openly flirting with other men, especially to the point that one would try to kiss her.

It's tough to discern from her if she is really being completely open and honest, or if she is just telling me 'enough'. I have to believe that what she has told me isn't everything, and that is hard to deal with. I have asked for details in regard to the guy she had sex with, and she has answered all of my questions. Again, not sure if it's everything or completely factual, but she feigns complete honesty. 

She claims the guy she had sex with, it only lasted a few minutes and she stopped him. It's kind of like the rule of 3 though. Two minutes according to her would actually equal 6 minutes. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Sex is sex whether it's for 10 seconds or 10 minutes. I'm glad I know the details, it's better than my own visions of what occured, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with what happened.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

jnj express has given you a good rundown of what is happening. There are a few more to add:-

Go home, never leave the house , if anyone has to leave she leaves without your child you must not be the one to abandon the family.

Tell her parents, siblings and yours about her affairs, you do this in the event she tries to blame shift this to you. 

Take your time and listen to her . ask questions but keep your thoughts to yourself do not tell her want you are going to do until you are certain and in control of your emotions. 

Your wife is a serial cheater, this is clear from what you have written, even if you choose to separate you may still want all of the truth. One tactic is to tell her you want all the truth no lies, give her an outlet to you without fear or repercussion, let her know you are scheduling a polygraph and she has up to the day before to come clean with everything . 

This places you in the driving seat, schedule the polygraph. If you can resolve this, accept her affairs and choose to stay married then she has to do some serious heavy lifting, the marriagebuilders.com and affaircare.com sites have some good material that can give both of you guidance. A start would be to read a book "surviving an affair" by Harley. 

Take your time, think clearly decide what you want. 
.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I wasn't naive to think that men weren't going to approach her and her friends when they are out, but I never thought she would be openly flirting with other men, especially to the point that one would try to kiss her


.

I deleted in my previous post a comment about your wife being in the bar. Any married woman going to a bar is going to be hit on by men, this is a no no and if you choose to stay together she has to agree to some a set of extraordinary precautions that ensure she is actively protecting your marriage from the risk of a further affair. .


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You mean like a statute of limitations? It's possible. Then what do you do? Ignore it? What if you found out 10 years later or 20?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> She claims the guy she had sex with, it only lasted a few minutes and she stopped him. *It's kind of like the rule of 3 though.* Two minutes according to her would actually equal 6 minutes. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Sex is sex whether it's for 10 seconds or 10 minutes. I'm glad I know the details, it's better than my own visions of what occured, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with what happened.


From your tale, there's more than a good chance that your wife's story is bogus in order to minimize the emotional damage on you. 

Seldom will an unfaithful wife tell her husband the whole story for fear that he'll leave her. It's only when she perceives that her husband has enough emotional fortitude and self-control that she may feel safe enough to reveal the whole story. 

In other words, if she's got nothing to gain from telling you the whole truth, she won't.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Take this for what it is worth. I've been married 27 years. My wife started cheating after outr second child 20 years ago. Two men then and then with a friend of mine for next 18 yrs. My youngest is probably not mine. In spite of it all, we are working it out. You can to if she is willing to be 100% honest and trnasparent and figure out why she does it. There is something not perfect in your marriage and it will require both of you to change. No it is not easy but neither is divorce. It all depends on you. Don't make the decision now. Wait at least 3-6 months. She needs to be the one starting with complete honesty and transparency and a firm commitment to never have contact with any of these men again.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Yes - this female will. She is a very poor risk for a long-term committed relationship. Do more digging, I have a feeling her recent distance was because she was having an EA or PA. I don't know how many years you have been married but it may be 10 or less. In that time, she has cheated 3 times and probably more. 

I would get back into your house. If you want to avoid conflict consider it an in house separation. This has two advantages, you can keep an eye on her, gather evidence by searching, monitor her communications and she can not accuse you of abandoning your family. Talk to her only about child care and money. Get a handle on your finances. Let her know that since you are thinking of what you want to do, you are canceling credit cards that she has access to. Also, limit her access to money, have enough in the account to cover living expenses and a little more. Get another account for direct deposit. She is not remorseful and may be deceitful enough to run up credit cards and take money out of the account. 

She is a serial cheater and will probably continue to cheat. If you stay with her you will be in a constant state of anxiety until the next time. Of course the child is the deciding factor and the impact of living in a household devoid of love with an unhappy father or to have a present, involved, and happy dad who is perhaps in a happy relationship although not with her mother. Read about children of divorced parents and do every thing you can to minimize the impact on the child.

Gather more info, having the full picture of her activities makes your decision easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

*Re: Need Advice (update)*

It's been awhile, and I thought I'd post an update on where things currently are with me and my wife. I decided to move back in with her and my daughter, and to attend MC with her. A lot of things came up in MC, hard to hear and deal with, but we are working through them. Here is the real story as I have now been allowed to know it:

6 years ago when I found out she was going to see the other man, and she poo poo it as nothing, she was having an EA with him. She had been depressed and distant from me, had pawned it off to hating her job and being homesick. I supported her in finding a new job and also with her going home to visit friends and family on the weekends when she wanted to (her family lived about 2 hours away). During this time, she continued to want to crawl into a hole when she was home with me. She wasn't interested in spending time with me, and was really withdrawn. From what she has new worked out with her IC and our MC, is that she had deep issues related to trust and intimacy, and couldn't give herself fully to the relationship. She could feel that something was wrong, that she wasn't happy in our relationship, and eventually turned the blame on me. It was easier to blame me than to try to dig deep and deal with her own problems. So she blamed me for her unhappiness and turned away from me. She then turned to the other man to make herself feel better. Her EA with this first man (the one I found the email about), turned into a PA, but she claims they only kissed and fondled each other on top of their clothes. On a trip to her hometown, she was supposed to meet up with this first man, but the plans didn't work out. She ended up at a bar and saw a 2nd man that she knew from HS, and ended up talking and flirting with him, and it eventually led to the sexual encounter that she disclosed. 

So while all of this is going on out of town, at home, she is increasingly withdrawing from me and our relationship. She would come home and things would get increasingly distant between us. It got to the point where she said she was seriously contemplating a divorce. She told me that she didn't love me and that she questioned if she ever loved me. That she wasn't attracted to me and that she'd be happier if she moved back to her hometown. We were in MC at the time (her suggestion), and I begged and pleaded with her to give MC a chance and to try to work it out. We continued with MC, but she was still going out of town every other weekend (I hadn't yet found the email about her seeing the guy yet). Things continued to get worse, and then I finally found that email and confronted her about the OM. She denied anything had happened, that he had only tried to kiss her once, and nothing more had happened. In hindsight, she was planning on going and seeing him that coming weekend, and if she knew he had other ideas in mind besides just hanging out, why would she still want to go and see him? Stupid, naive me...

So once I confronted her, she stopped seeing the OM, but was still distant from me. She refused to have sex with me or even kiss me. I was made to feel like it was up to me to make her fall back in love with me and to stay with the marriage. I was so intent on fixing the marriage and getting her to stay, I didn't realize at the time that I wasn't seeing things for what they were (even based on the limited info that I had). I bent over backward to make her happy, to try to get her over the hump and want to be married to me again. I eventually let her quit her job and supported her so she could go back to school and get another degree. Things obviously got better with time, and she snapped out of her funk, but all the while, she knew the truth. She knew the truth that SHE had cheated on ME, and yet she had managed to turn it around and make me the one to beg for her to stay. She made me the one to make sacrifices so SHE could be happy. As I think about it now, it is pretty damn sadistic that she would allow me to act and feel that way. 

She cheated multiple times with 2 different men. She acted horribly to me, and yet I am the one who is begging and pleading and trying to make things better for her. I am really trying to move forward and forgive her for what she did, but it's hard. She has apologized and cried about what she did and how she acted and treated me, but it doesn't make the memories fade or make me forget how I felt. Knowing how I felt and then knowing how I really should have felt, had I known the truth. I am almost more angry with myself for allowing myself to act that way. For not taking a step back and asking why I didn't see the big picture. She tells me how she can't believe that I stayed and that I fought for her. I loved her and I wanted to make our marriage work. I was willing to do anything for her and for us. She knew that, and all the while was harboring these huge lies and continuing to tell them to me. I asked at least a few more times about what really happened with the man I had discovered in the email, and each time she stuck to her story. Having her lie to me right to my face, looking me dead in the eyes, is something that is going to take a long time to get over.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now that you moved back in how is the marriage, and more importantly is she doing the heavy lifting to help you heal?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So why are you keeping her in your life? Has she stopped cheating? Has she fullybreturned to the relationship and been a wife, including a full sex life? Has she begun trying to makeup to you for the years of lies and mental abuse? Or has she said accept it, cried. Few tears and expect you'll just let her continue her ways?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

There has to be a consequence for such despicable actions of lying to you all these years and treating you badly. I sense that you still have doubt over the version of story she is feeding you. If so, why not demand a polygraph? It is in a way a punishment in a form of embarassment and it could put your mind at ease once you are truly convinced that she did tell you the truth finally. 

This could work to ease your resentment in all this.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

So.. 6 years ago you found an email, you confronted her, she did not give you all the details, but you went to counselling and worked it out. I apologize for making it simple.

So what has she done for you lately except be truthful?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I know you are living in misery---that your child's mother would/could treat you like dirt, as she has in the beginning, and now for 6 long years, by OMMISSION

She allowed you to think you were to blame, and she made you grovel, all the while intending to take her deep dark secret to the grave with her

We all know why she wouldn't tell, she knew there would be possible terrible repurcussions, and your family would be torn apart---so it was easier to just let you be miserable, and grovel

I don't know how your sub-conscious is gonna let you get over this, but know this, your child is not a reason to stay and live in misery

Whether you wanna hear this or not, your child's mother is an evil selfish woman---and who knows even now if she care's one hoot for you----why is she staying at this point---

She was so ready to just throw you away like a rag doll, as she gave herself to other men, and connived, and planned all of her sexcapades

If you do stay---what heavy lifting is your wife being made to do------Is she really doing anything to help you

What ever you do---even 6 yrs later there MUST be accountability

Also if you do stay---make her sign a POST--NUP agreement


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Paternity test the 4 y/o.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get a paternity test done on your daughter (and any other kids you may have with her).

She needs to grow up and stop shifting the blame to you. Her multiple decisions to cheat over the years is not your fault. In fact, the multiple cheating showed that she has a low standard of morality. 

If you let her get away with all these affairs, then that would make you an enabler. 

May I suggest that you prepare yourself financially in case you do decide to separate. No joint bank accounts, credit cards, loans/debts. Hide your monies/assets.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SLH,
Do we have to wait another 5-1/4 month to hear from you again?


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

We mainly have worked in MC on rebuilding trust. I think it's almost harder to deal with her blatantly lying to me than it is to deal with the actual cheating. They both are awful, but the idea that the person that I trusted more than anyone in the world, could sit there and lie to me to my face continually is hard to deal with. Knowing that she could live with herself, seeing how hard I was working to win HER back, when all the while it was her that had broken our vows and continually deceived and lied to me. 

We have had good times and bad since then. Not necessarily bad, but not good. We'd get stuck in a rut of not making time for each other and living somewhat as roommates. Our sex life since the original incident has been hit and miss. It has been a continual point of contention between us. I think for me, her not being interested in sex with me, triggered my brain to go back to the time when she essentially told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me. I guess I have always had an amount of doubt or questioning of her feelings for me since then. We have discussed it at length since the recent discoveries, and she assures me that she didn't mean it when she told me those things. That she was taking the easy way out of dealing with her problems by pushing me away. That it was easier to push me away and sabotage our relationship than dig deep and fix her own problems. As some have said, very selfish. Her actions since then have been completely different as far as her actions toward me (aside from the lack of sex). 

I have a keylogger on the computer and I check her phone regularly as well as the phone records. I know there is nothing going on and that she is fully committed to improving our relationship. 

I look at this woman who is truly trying to make amends and be a good, loving wife. The woman I see, I have a hard time believing could lie to me, deceive me and cheat on me a few years back. I guess what I need to figure out is if I can move past what all she did, or is it always going to be there and I am going to always resent her for how she treated me.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> We mainly have worked in MC on rebuilding trust. I think it's almost harder to deal with her blatantly lying to me than it is to deal with the actual cheating. They both are awful, but the idea that the person that I trusted more than anyone in the world, could sit there and lie to me to my face continually is hard to deal with. Knowing that she could live with herself, seeing how hard I was working to win HER back, when all the while it was her that had broken our vows and continually deceived and lied to me.
> 
> We have had good times and bad since then. Not necessarily bad, but not good. We'd get stuck in a rut of not making time for each other and living somewhat as roommates. Our sex life since the original incident has been hit and miss. It has been a continual point of contention between us. I think for me, her not being interested in sex with me, triggered my brain to go back to the time when she essentially told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me. I guess I have always had an amount of doubt or questioning of her feelings for me since then. We have discussed it at length since the recent discoveries, and she assures me that she didn't mean it when she told me those things. That she was taking the easy way out of dealing with her problems by pushing me away. That it was easier to push me away and sabotage our relationship than dig deep and fix her own problems. As some have said, very selfish. Her actions since then have been completely different as far as her actions toward me (aside from the lack of sex).
> 
> ...


Is there sexual or parental abuse in her background? She seems to be doing a lot of the stuff that these people do to make themselves feel better. In any event it is a hard road for you to walk. I'm on the receiving end of betrayal myself. My H lied so much and for so long it's a wonder his pants didn't spontaneous ignite. He was abused as a child. His self esteem was taking hits at the time Mrs. unscrupulous came along, and convinced him that she was the answer to all his problems. For a time she made him feel very good about himself ( a need that I didn't pick up on, I was pretty naive ). I found out about the A and he dropped her without preamble, but he continued to lie, distort and minimize actual events ( he was afraid that I would leave him if he told me everything). When he came out of the fog and out of stealth mode, he felt worse about himself than he ever had, so we have both been hurt a great deal. For a long time I didn't give a rat's ass about his pain; I felt that he had earned it. It's taken a long time for me to see him as the mistaken and deluded person he was at the time of the A. He has done everything that he can think of to show me that he loves me. We went to a MC, and we no longer sit on frustrations just to keep the peace. It hasn't been easy, and I still have bad days, but not every day, as it was in the beginning. I wish you the best, and I hope it all turns out well for you and your wife.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What I read here is you still being the nice guy and doing the begging . Your admitting what you did in the past yet I suspect you have not changed today. As for sex and intimacy she should be throwing herself at you and doing everything to help you , instead your in the same rut , why because your behaviours have not changed . Don't you think it is time to work on yourself , act and be a man, take control of the household.

It is great that you have managed to hold out and get this far .

Wishing you all the best
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I don't think I am doing the begging at all. I found out that she had lied to me all along, that she had in fact had an EA and two separate PAs, and I left. I did the hardest thing I have ever done, and that was move out and away from my child. I lived with family for nearly 3 months while she begged me to come home, work on things, go to counseling, etc. I had no intention of doing any of those things, but I eventually relented and went to a counseling session and afterward, agreed to go back and try to work through our issues. We continue to do that, but it's hard. Things seem to be going well, and then we hit a rough patch (where I am now). 

She is much more sexually aggressive than she was in the past. She initiates much more than she ever has, and she is much more willing to share and experiment. She has many issues related to her past, one of which was a fear of being too sexual and how that would expose herself. She is working on that in IC, and honestly has come a long way.

She was sexually abused as a child, and the resulting rug sweeping by her parents and continued exposure to that family member has caused her to have numerous other issues. Her parents really dropped the ball all the way around in dealing with the abuse. Most of her issues today relate to the handling and lack of handling of the abuse when she was a pre-schooler. It's pretty sad actually.


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

Hi there,

I have been in a few relationships where i have been cheated on, not married though. I believe that a relationship must be built around trust and by you no longer having trust for your wife there is no point in keeping the relationship going. It sounds like you have made up your mind and i believe you are doing the right thing.

I am sorry to hear this has happened to you, hopefully you will find someone who treats you right and can be loyal to you and you only. Time to lick your wounds.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

SadLovingHusband said:


> I don't think I am doing the begging at all. I found out that she had lied to me all along, that she had in fact had an EA and two separate PAs, and I left. I did the hardest thing I have ever done, and that was move out and away from my child. I lived with family for nearly 3 months while she begged me to come home, work on things, go to counseling, etc. I had no intention of doing any of those things, but I eventually relented and went to a counseling session and afterward, agreed to go back and try to work through our issues. We continue to do that, but it's hard. Things seem to be going well, and then we hit a rough patch (where I am now).
> 
> She is much more sexually aggressive than she was in the past. She initiates much more than she ever has, and she is much more willing to share and experiment. She has many issues related to her past, one of which was a fear of being too sexual and how that would expose herself. She is working on that in IC, and honestly has come a long way.
> 
> She was sexually abused as a child, and the resulting rug sweeping by her parents and continued exposure to that family member has caused her to have numerous other issues. Her parents really dropped the ball all the way around in dealing with the abuse. Most of her issues today relate to the handling and lack of handling of the abuse when she was a pre-schooler. It's pretty sad actually.


Thanks for the additional information. It's a hard journey ahead , key for you has she been totally honest and what does she do to prevent herself from falling back into her old habits .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why do you not wish to have a paternity test done? Your wife has no problems lying to you so what is the problem in having a paternity test done?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I hope he hasn't posted and ran


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Like they say:

You can lead a horse to water....


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

Sorry, my job only allows me intermittent access to a computer. 

I have no doubt that my daughter is mine. She was completely planned out and my wife got pregnant exactly when we tried to conceive. She looks just like me (face, hair color, etc.). That I have zero doubt about. 

I have read every email she has sent since we began having problems, and she has never mentioned anything about her not being mine. She has written deep, secret stuff to her friends, that she would probably never share with me, and none of it ever contained anything about my daughter not being mine.

Our relationship right now is moving in the right direction. There are ups and downs, like I said. Right now, I am really in a rut. She seems very committed to working on our relationship. That part I am comfortable with. It's dealing with the past hurt, betrayal and manipulation that I really am trying to move past.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well get the hell out of this rut man, if things are going good then focus on the postive sh!t you chick is doing and be happy.

The sex thing is tough, but sometimes you just have to grin and bear it, I tell W to just lean into it. LOL.

My point is sometimes its that first step thats the hardest and before you know it the clothes or off and the both of are haven fun.

I suspect that when the sex starts to happen more you may find your self out of this rut.

As far as the time line goes, I'm right there with you and it is tough, thank god we both have chicks that are doing the heavy lifting to help us heal. I think even though its only been a couple of years, it will get better in a couple more.

There's alot of folks no were close to finding a R and may never, so we should count your blessing that we got our best friends back.

Its a carpenters holiday (rain) so I'm going to take "the step" and initiate. Wifes off today so I think I'll sneak up on her and take it, lets hope I don't freak her out and get hurt. LOL


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are continually making excuses for her---her F O O problems, are there----they, in themselves did not give her the right to treat you like an animal, beneath her feet for 6 LONG years---or does that period of time that you grovelled, mean nothing to you

So, she is now doing everything right---lets examine that

What would her future look like if you D'd, her

Single, divorced mother with a child, and the label of adultress who cheated with multiple men----probably she would need to work TWO jobs to get ahead, or even keep even with the finances---on top of that she still has child rearing when she comes home----is that something that looks inviting to anyone

As to guys---what do you think is out there, not much---guys who want sex only, guys who will wanna live off of her, guys who will cheat on her, bums, criminals, crazies, druggies, age wise, there also may be little for her----there is no YOU out there, who takes care of her, grovels for her, AND SHE KNOWS ALL OF THIS---that's why she is now doing everything possible to keep the mge. going

But in all reality, is that enuff, to overcome what your sub-conscious will throw at you , maybe everyday for the rest of your life----for she is the TRIGGER

She is the one who made sure you grovelled, as you stuggled to understand WHY, everything was messed up---she is the ONE who took other men into her body, and who has decieved, and lied to you about it EVERYDAY for 6 long years---

Is your future to be tied to this evil person, is that what you really want----and the bottom line---WHY IS SHE REALLY STICKING AROUND

Answer---she has no where to go, no one to take care of her, and she is scared shi*less, to be on her own, probably for the rest of her life.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

For some reason I feel like I am being attacked. I am not making excuses for her. She hasn't treated me like crap for the last 6 years. Things haven't been perfect, and we have both neglected our marriage at times, but once we moved past the incidents (as they were put forth), things were much better in regard to her treating me well and being a good wife.

I do feel like I was sold a false bill of goods though. That she allowed me to make life decisions without knowing the true facts. That she has admitted that she knew I would have left her, had I know the truth of what she did. She admitted in counseling that, "The truth was not an option". It wasn't an option because she screwed up, and knew the repercussions of that screw up would mean me walking away. At that point, it would have been much easier. We had limited assets, no children, etc. So I told her, that essentially the lesson learned in that situation was to lie, cover things up, etc. and hope that enough time passes so that if the truth does come out, then you can use the excuse of "look how many good things have happened since then".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Truth may not have been an option. But in that same vein so was being unfaithful. 

Even with her efforts now, I don't see how you will ever be able to trust her again. She had no remorse over cheating, and only was worried about loosing her support you gave her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

She is nothing but remorseful now. She wasn't then, at least not in her words and actions obviously. She claims to have been, but having to hide it from me, obviously didn't allow her to act that way. That is a point of contention with me. I don't know how remorseful she could have been feeling, to continue to turn things around on me and make me feel like I was the one who had to do right by her and make her happy. Guilty I can believe to some extent, remorseful doesn't quite fit her actions. At the time she did it, she felt that our marriage wasn't able to be fixed. She felt like it was hopeless and pretty much fulfilled that prophecy with her actions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep plugging away things will get better. Ups and downs sure, but with her actually being able to finally unload is one big reason for everything to continually improve.

Unfortunately she has past problems. Not all her fault. 

Also, while you shouldn't stay just for children, the very negative affects divorce has on children are well documented.

I have no doubt you are her world and she would do anything for you. Sometimes you just have to be a man and suck it up. Practice controlling your thoughts and not dwelling on the parts that upset as much as possble. Try hard, pray hard , good luck.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

We have had a few more discussions about things over the past few days. 

The latest trigger was her talking to her friend, who was also having marital problems around the same time we were (6 years ago). At the time, my wife and I had worked through our problems (or so I thought, based on what I had been allowed to know), and were doing much better. Her friend had been separated from her husband for about 4 months, and had been with numerous guys over that time span. When she decided to work it out with her husband, she was completely open and honest with him about her actions, and he decided to take her back. Her friend's husband, seeing my wife and I doing better, decided he wanted to talk to me and see if I had advice based on our fixing our problems. Her friend was aware of my wife cheating on me with both guys, and was also aware that my wife had lied and twisted things and allowed me to feel like the one who needed to change and make things better. So for me to sit there and give out advice and act like I knew WTF needed to be done to fix a relationship, was complete BS. Her friend knew it, my wife knew it, and they let me sit there and talk smart, knowing full well that my relationship was based on lies and deceit. My relationship was started back toward recovery when my wife decided she wanted to be married to me again. Once she made that decision, things started back toward a recovery. At that point, her main goals were to cover up all the cheating and lies she had filled me full of, and in the process, continue to allow me to believe that our problems were MY fault. How young, stupid and naive was I?

I have concluded that I am very good at compartmentalizing things and trying to move forward and be happy, even though in my mind I really am not. Or at least have not dealt with the issues enough to move past them. When things come up, and I mentally and verbally express to her how they made me feel, she has started getting defensive, in a "what do you want me to do with that information" way. Part of me can understand her frustration, as we have talked about these issues and events a number of times, but the other part of me doesn't know how to get past them. The fact that they ARE bothering me, I feel like I need to let her know that that is what the problem is. She thinks that me going over the events again is my way of trying to make her hurt as much as I am, by keeping it all fresh in her mind. She said if I am trying to punish her of threaten her, that she deserves it. That she feels fortunate every day that I am still a part of her life after what she did to me. That she wouldn't blame me if I felt like I couldn't get past it and needed to walk away.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> That she wouldn't blame me if I felt like I couldn't get past it and needed to walk away.


This just sucks. Is it anyway her way of hinting she would be ok if you D her? Instead of begging and pleading?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have a lot hurt and anger because of her deceit. You're completely in the right to feel that. I would too.

So what do you want to do about it? Do you want her out and gone forger cheating and deceit? Do you want her to take a polygraph? Do you want her to end friendships with these people who helped her cheat? What do you want ? Do you want a get out jail pair of girls fr yourself?

Pick your desire and demands and tell her. You are in the drivers seat of you.

Only you know what you can live with, it is different foreach of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I agree with Shaggy, you have just too much hurt and pain right now. 6 years worth, I don't think you will ever be able to get past it. If you keep sucking it up as Chapparal says, you might as well just divorce your wife right now and get it over with.

Get everything out in the open and then make a choice. If you have to, take some time off by yourself to think clearly without the wife around you. You'll be surprised how much more you'll think clearly when you're by yourself.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I somewhat disagree with SadCalifornian. Even though I would have begged and pleaded, I still wouldn't have blamed her for divorcing me. After all, I was the one who caused the pain. Only she knows the best cure for her. She still could do that in the future. It's a fear I'll have to live with from now on.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I wonder if she's learning now how to hide it better/deeper her next affair?


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

So we talked again last night, and I asked her to go through what her thoughts and emotions were at the time that she first cheated on me. Where her head was at. She said at the time, she was unhappy and felt like there was something wrong with our marriage and with her. That she couldn't figure out what was wrong though, and she was too independent to ask me for help. She had learned as a child after her abuse, that the only person she could truly count on was herself. So she started balling up and pushing everything else away, including me. That led to her twisting it around and blaming me for her being unhappy and for our marriage to not be what it should be. During this whole time, I knew she was unhappy and depressed, but didn't realize it was related to our marriage and to me. I thought it was more related to her being away from home and her friends and family, and her not being happy at work. She never opened up to me. 

So she essentially came to a place where she felt like our relationship was un-fixable. That is was hopeless between us. That was what she used as justification to cheat on me. Since our relationship was junk, it didn't matter if she cheated on me then. 

She did all of this and came to all of these conclusions mind you, without EVER talking to me about the problems with the marriage. So I asked her, how could you say our marriage was broken and not able to be fixed, when you hadn't once talked about those problems with me??? How does that make any sense? 

It doesn't.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't buy it. My guess is that she wanted to have sex with this guy so then she started rationalizing why she should be able to do this. The bottom line is that she never talked to you about any problems, she put your health at risk for STD's, disrespected her wedding vows, humiliated you her husband, and constantly lied to your face for 6 years about cheating on you.

You want to remain married to a person that would do this you?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> We have had a few more discussions about things over the past few days.
> 
> The latest trigger was her talking to her friend, who was also having marital problems around the same time we were (6 years ago). At the time, my wife and I had worked through our problems (or so I thought, based on what I had been allowed to know), and were doing much better. Her friend had been separated from her husband for about 4 months, and had been with numerous guys over that time span. When she decided to work it out with her husband, she was completely open and honest with him about her actions, and he decided to take her back. Her friend's husband, seeing my wife and I doing better, decided he wanted to talk to me and see if I had advice based on our fixing our problems. Her friend was aware of my wife cheating on me with both guys, and was also aware that my wife had lied and twisted things and allowed me to feel like the one who needed to change and make things better. So for me to sit there and give out advice and act like I knew WTF needed to be done to fix a relationship, was complete BS. Her friend knew it, my wife knew it, and they let me sit there and talk smart, knowing full well that my relationship was based on lies and deceit. My relationship was started back toward recovery when my wife decided she wanted to be married to me again. Once she made that decision, things started back toward a recovery. At that point, her main goals were to cover up all the cheating and lies she had filled me full of, and in the process, continue to allow me to believe that our problems were MY fault. How young, stupid and naive was I?
> 
> I have concluded that I am very good at compartmentalizing things and trying to move forward and be happy, even though in my mind I really am not. Or at least have not dealt with the issues enough to move past them. When things come up, and I mentally and verbally express to her how they made me feel, she has started getting defensive, in a "what do you want me to do with that information" way. Part of me can understand her frustration, as we have talked about these issues and events a number of times, but the other part of me doesn't know how to get past them. The fact that they ARE bothering me, I feel like I need to let her know that that is what the problem is. She thinks that me going over the events again is my way of trying to make her hurt as much as I am, by keeping it all fresh in her mind. She said if I am trying to punish her of threaten her, that she deserves it. That she feels fortunate every day that I am still a part of her life after what she did to me. That she wouldn't blame me if I felt like I couldn't get past it and needed to walk away.


I can sum it up: She is rug sweeping and you are allowing her to do it. And there is continued blameshifting. You say she's remorseful. She's not. WS's who show True Remorse do not blameshift, do not try to rug sweep, and do not try to stop conversation about the affair. In addition, she's still in contact with her toxic friend who enabled her affair. Look at this guide, if your WW isn't totally in the left column, she is rug sweeping and this will only lead to False R.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I don't agree that I am allowing her to rugsweep. I believe that she is truly remorseful. What do you think she is trying to blame me for? She blamed me at the time she had the affairs, but she has taken full responsibility now for her actions. Here is what she wrote to me this morning (my apologies for it being long):

_*I was feeling hopeless in my marriage because I didn't know what was wrong or what needed to be fixed. I felt like we were out of sync and felt hopeless to fix what I didn't understand was wrong. I would look at my loving husband, my beautiful house, a good paying job, etc and kept telling myself that I should be happy. It looked like I had everything but something still felt off, something was missing. I thought something was wrong with me but would never allow myself to go deep enough to discover what it was. I thought that if I would dig deep enough I would find out how damaged I was and that I wasn't worthy of a loving, lasting marriage. That it wasn't possible for me. The reason I think I didn't go to you about my feelings was because I felt it was my own problem. I felt there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix but didn't know how. It was something I didn't want to admit to you and I'm sure being my independent self, I didn't want to ask for help anyway. This unfortuately lead me down the path to begin blaming you because I couldn't find the answers in myself. I managed to make things worse with every thought and action that I did. I don't know how I could have made the situation any worse. So I cowardly turned the blame on you. Then I turned away from you to feel better about myself by getting attention from other men.

It felt good getting the attention and flirtation from the other men and since I felt that things were hopeless between us (since I believed we wouldn't figure out how to fix our marriage or the fact that I felt I was unfixable or unworthy), I allowed things to progress. It was a constant struggle though because I would switch from feelings of hopelessness to a hope or need or desire to make things work and wanting that loving relationship for myself and us.

I have no problem with you having these feelings and trying to work them out but it was the way you presented it to me a few weeks ago. When you just start listing off all the ways I've hurt you, which we've already discussed multiple times before, it feels like you are just trying to remind me of how I hurt you and keep it fresh in my mind. You were saying these things like it was the first time you had ever told me, like I had never heard it before. That is why I said the other night that it felt like you really hadn't dealt with those feelings because it seemed that you were trying to make me hurt as much as you still were. That is also why I feel the need to keep apologizing to you (or kissing your ass) because I feel like you don't believe that I understand how much I hurt you. Do you need to keep reminding me because you feel like I don't get it? Are you trying to punish me or threaten me for what I did to you? If so, I deserve it. But I do get it, and I remind myself every day of how lucky I am to still have you in my life after all of the horrible things I did to you. I don't know what else to say or do to help you through this. And it scares me to say, but I wouldn't blame you if you felt you never could get over it and that you needed to walk away. 

You are exactly right about me making you feel like it was your fault and that it was up to you to somehow win me back. As I said before, I look back at that time and feel like every decision I made lead me to hurt you even worse. All of that hurt and pain I caused you was because I was out to protect myself. This is why it is so hard to look back at that time because it is unfathomable now to think that I would hurt you like that. That I didn't hold our marriage more sacred and that I felt I couldn't count on you to help me and be my true partner. And ultimately that I would turn around and blame you and make you feel that it was your fault. 

These last few months have been so lonely and disconnected that it sends me to places of doubting that you could ever truly love me again. Especially when you look back to that person I was...why would you want to stay married to me. I will do whatever it takes to help you through this, if that is possible. I love you so much and am thankful for your love everyday.*_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You know her better than any of us here. To me it sounds like rationalization and damage control. The important thing is down deep what do you believe?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

It all sounds noble and respectable, but I still feel the tinge of her trying to hold onto her pride. I don't feel the deep remorse. She at least seems to realize what she has done and admit to it, which is a good news. But, if you relent at this point, wouldn't it be letting her get away with it scot-free? Frankly, I am out of advice, and maybe some other posters can give you tips on how to proceed on from this point on.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

"(or kissing your ass)"

Now that's an interesting remark!

Also, I don't see where anything has changed in the marriage since the affair(s) except damage control.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> It all sounds noble and respectable, but I still feel the tinge of her trying to hold onto her pride. I don't feel the deep remorse. She at least seems to realize what she has done and admit to it, which is a good news. *But, if you relent at this point, wouldn't it be letting her get away with it scot-free? * Frankly, I am out of advice, and maybe some other posters can give you tips on how to proceed on from this point on.


I have actually brought that exact point up to her. That if she had told me the truth THEN, I would have left her. Why should it be any different NOW? She answered that so much has happened since then, and we have made a number of life choices in the meantime (buying a house, having kids, etc.). I told her that all those choices were made under false pretenses. That had I known the truth, I would not have decided to do any of those things with her, that I would have been gone. So basically me relenting now, says that if you lie about something and put up a smokescreen long enough, if the truth does finally come out, it shouldn't be as bad if enough time has gone by.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is a great point. You are correct that by staying with her you are sending the message that it indeed always pays to lie to you and never tell you the truth about anything. Lying clearly avoids all consequences to her. You are really stuck. You have a family now and a wife that you know will never tell you the truth about anything if it is in her best interests not to do so.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have a family now, even if she stayed with you under false pretense. It is your family, and it is your responsibility, the kids are your responsibility.

You also have distrust, resentment, and anger over her cheating and her self serving lies.

So you have a choice. Directly work on moving past the anger and distrust, to where you once again can love and trust her, or discard her and begin rebuilding your life alone.

Either way you are starting out rebuilding your life. The only difference is if she and you do it as a family, or do you do it a single man with part time custody of the kids.

For the kids sake, I suggest the two of you seek out professional help in rebuilding your marriage. I also think she needs to take a polygraph and come fully clean, so you can know what you're forgiving, and what you are building beyond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

I say drop her ass!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you checked to see if you're the father of your kids?


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

Yes, and I am the father.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I sense she really is remorseful from that letter but I think she has a lot of walls around her feelings that she doesn't let anyone in after her traumatic childhood. If it went as far as kissing with the physical affair, I'd personally be willing to forgive and forget and move on from there provided she opens up to me so that whatever problems there are she should confront them head on.

Also as hard as it is, learn not to keep reminding her of what she did as it's clear it gets to her in ways you don't know and she feels guilty as it is (maybe doesn't show it too well). 

I think you should give your life together one more chapter, if any sort of affair happens again, then it's definitely time to close the book.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How about a more in depth update?


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

*Update*

My wife and I are almost 11 months from D-Day. Things are going pretty well actually. There are still bumps in the road from time to time, but on a daily basis, things are going well. Our communication, commitment to our marriage and intimacy are better than they have ever been. She is completely transparent: I have access to whatever email, facebook or cell phone accounts I would ask for. My trust levels with her have grown over time as well. I do still question at times if she has told me everything, but as someone on here pointed out, there is no point in dwelling on knowing it all, that I just need to come to grips with the fact that she hurt me deeply regardless if I know everything. I have made the decision to work out our problems and commit to our marriage, so I need to concentrate on that and not sit on the fence and sway back and forth. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to have a bad day or have something trigger me, but as a whole, I am committed to working on strengthening my relationship with my W. 

I do still have issues with the mind movies, which at this point, I know are my issues to deal with. I knew it would be an issue from D-Day on, and I try to do my best to cope with them. I read Tigrlily's post today, and I completely agree that the whole idea of 'just stopping when I think about it' or the other ways of moving past the mind movies just don't work for me. The images and subsequent feelings are something I can deal with, well enough to have a great sex life again with my W, but some days it is still hard. I watch a movie or porn, and wonder if that is what my wife looked like when she did what she did. It's always there in the back of my mind, and I think it always will be. But again, it doesn't affect me so much as to inhibit our sex life. Frankly, that area of our relationship is better than it ever has been. She has dealt with many of her demons and torn down many of the walls she had up for the duration of our relationship. 

She has admitted that subconsciously, she thinks she wanted me to find out about her affairs. That the stress and mental anguish of lying to me was too much for her to bear. That even though she knew I might leave her, that she needed me to finally know.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sad, you're wife sounds like another woman who posted an eerily similar story earlier last year, has she ever posted on TAM?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You posted in early Nov. that your wife had written deep secret stuff to her friends,that she would probably never share with you.Does she still do this?


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## Amos (Jan 20, 2011)

I have to tell you, reading this thread reminded me a lot about my own situation....and I have to tell you, I wish you luck, but I am skeptical that a serial cheater like your wife can ever truly reform. Good luck.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> Sad, you're wife sounds like another woman who posted an eerily similar story earlier last year, has she ever posted on TAM?


Can you share the link to that story with me? I'd be interested to read it. From what I have seen via the keylogger, she has never been to TAM.



> You posted in early Nov. that your wife had written deep secret stuff to her friends,that she would probably never share with you.Does she still do this?


When we were in the thick of things or we'd have a big blowup or bump in the road, she'd turn to her two friends that she is closest to and share her feelings and insight with them. She doesn't write to either of them nearly as often now that things are better, and has never mentioned any other information that I don't already know in regard to details of her cheating. I did read about one of the friends cheating on her husband as well though. Not the greatest friend to have around my wife, that is for sure. She is the one that my wife was around when my wife did her cheating.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

We did just have a fairly difficult discovery a few weeks ago:

I recently discovered in looking through the old checks from that period of time, that her OB/GYN sent us a bill for the co-pay for her appointment she went to to get an STD test after her ONS and I actually wrote the check that paid for the STD test (unknowingly obviously). How f'd up is that? I questioned her on if she got a pregnancy test at that time too (I've questioned if he wore a condom or not, and she says yes, but who knows). She was off the pill at the time, so she could very well have gotten pregnant given the circumstances. What a f'ing mess she could have created.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

^This hurts, my man.

If I may ask- How does it feel to have to pretty much "babysit" an adult now(constant checking of phone, bills, whereabouts)?

I don't think I could play warden to my spouse for the rest of the foreseeable future... just sayin'.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> Can you share the link to that story with me? I'd be interested to read it. From what I have seen via the keylogger, she has never been to TAM.


Still looking for it.


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