# Need some advice on Exposure - toxic friend



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

So, not sure i'm posting this on The right section since I am already divorced, but it seemed more appropriate than in life after divorce. 

So a little backstory.

Married 11 years, divorced for 2 months, 2 kids 8 and 10.

I own my sh*t in the demise of the M, namely neglecting my wifes emotional needs, although i was a Nice beta provider, usually working for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week and providing for about 75% of the total income.

Never felt truly apreciated for it though.

Never Had any major fights, although the Anger and resentment kept growing, mostly on my wifes part.

During the last 6 months of the M She started having an EA with a single guy, introduced by a female friend of hers, a close friend to the family.

They started texting, initially during a family vacation and having lunch together on their lunchbreak for a total of about half a dozen times I guess, during that time period.

They didnt work together, he was a colleague of her toxic friend, and She kept sponsoring those lunches, having initially arranged for threeway lunches and Then bailing out at the last minute so my xw could spend some quality time with him.

When my xw seemed unsure, confused or guilty, her friend would encourage her on, even into becoming physical with him.

From what i know, i believe it never turned into a PA, but of course i cant Be 100% sure.

Like a good wimpy and needy codependent i half heartedly confronted her about the phone logs, and of course She dismissed it immediately.

She left and filed for divorce, but on her own time.

Only let her in on all those email Messages i Had between her and her b*tch friend 2 days before She left, which led her to a crying fit for 2 nights, but zero remorse.

OM dumped her right after the separation.

Waiting She would come to her senses, i didnt Expose to her family, Only doing it the week before divorce became final.

XW is to this day totally unremorseful and feels entitled to this behavior.

Cant stand the mere sight of her now, no communication apart From messaging or. email regarding essential kid stuff.
Absolutely no small talk at kids dropovers, i dont have the stomach for it.

I'm working on myself, exercising and especially facing my major codependecy issues. Doing Fairly good, not feeling the Need to rush into a Relationship before i sort myself out and feel like i have gained back my self respect.

I kept the marital home and have my kids 3 nights a week.

My question is this: i have a 6 month worth of almost daily emails between my xw and her toxic friend, which The latter sent From her business address at a private bank. Should i Expose to her employer what the b*tch was doing during her work hours for 6 months? Not sure of the outcome, most likely She wont Be fired, but most likely Will face some disciplinary action.

Or is this totally pointless and absurd at this point, this form. of low revenge, when i should Be totally concentrating on my own life and moving on?

I must add that i work as a doctor and during those 6 months She was playing teenage sh*t with my xw, i was trying to speedtrack her brother, who was battling lung cancer, through diagnóstic tests and surgery.

I know i have myself to blame for my lack of balls, for not kicking my xw to the curb, but i find that, as a close friend to the family, her behavior was totally unexcusable.

Any input appreciated.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Aaaah, sounds pointless. You know all that you need to know to move forward for YOU.


----------



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I would do it. My wife had a toxic friend as well so I know what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Getting her fired may affect your alimony. 

To friends etc. FIRE AWAY!

Leave the employer part alone.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Friend, focus on your kids and the rest of your life. What is done is done. That friend will remain classless, you remain with your head held high.

Happiness is the best revenge. Let them no longer have any hold/power on your life.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Six months is a fairly long period of time for an EA to have not turned physical, more especially when you were probably even clueless about the EA itself, and having a rather limited knowledge of her post-work whereabouts.

You need to get yourself checked out for the presence of STD's.

As for her "pimping friend," she's comes from the same ilk as your W. "Birds of a feather flock together," so they say!

You need to discreetly investigate your W's short-term past cell phone/texting/email/FB activity to see what's truly been going on! And placing a VAR under her car seat might also be in order!*


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

beyondrepair said:


> So, not sure i'm posting this on The right section since I am already divorced, but it seemed more appropriate than in life after divorce.
> 
> So a little backstory.
> 
> ...


I am for justice. Do it. I don't like passive behavior in the face of malice. Toxic friend needs to receive repercussions for evil actions. I don't look at it as revenge. You aren't trying to get her husband to cheat on her and leave.

This thing, disguised as a woman, did her best to harm the lives of your children and had fun doing it.

The least you could do is express concern for her unprofessional behavior, using her companies equipment to help destroy families. It reflects poorly on their business.

Seriously... Would you now want to do business with her company? I think the company would want to know an employee was costing them business as well as their reputation.

Do you only think she behaves badly toward your family on company time?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Six months is a fairly long period of time for an EA to have not turned physical, more especially when you were probably even clueless about the EA itself, and having a rather limited knowledge of her post-work whereabouts.
> 
> You need to get yourself checked out for the presence of STD's.
> 
> ...


STD check is a good idea if he hasn't already, but he's dumped and divorced her. 

Let sleeping dogs lie, regarding the toxic friend. All that will do is get exwife screaming at you. Who needs the aggravation. Enjoy single life, enjoy the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

My opinion is, you have to just let it go. I mean the anger, hate, etc. because they are bad for you and your kids. I know harder said than done but you need to find a way for YOU!!

Revenge is great for about a minute, then I promise the feeling will fade quickly and all you are still left with is the anger - revenge will not fix that.

Just keep on working on you and over time you will heel.


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> My reading of the original post is that it is the toxic friend who works at the bank and who would be in trouble. No alimony implications if that is correct.
> 
> Should OP do it if that is the case?
> 
> Would it be revenge? Justice? Both?


Yes JP, you are correct, it is the toxic friend that works at the bank, not XW.

Assetts split and alimony is already fully settled and signed. Legal stuff is over.

I know happiness is indeed the best revenge, but this is someone who would come over for dinner with her own husband and kids, to the beach together, etc. When my marriage was on the rocks, she Had no problem in help delivering the final blow. 

ARB - regarding my current xw whereabouts, She started shagging another guy in a LDR, going away 5 days each month, and telling the kids she has to leave town "on business". Not really my concern anyway, and although they have already met this new man on previous social gatherings, I made the point of never telling them otherwise.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do the emails prove she was attempting to get your wife and the guy into an affair? If so it is unethical behavior which her employer may be interested in, doubly so given that she did it on company time and company computers. You may have legal recourse to sue the bank for facilitating "Alienation of Affection" if your state has such a law. The bank thus would want to fire this woman to cover themselves.

I personally would not sue the bank but I would not feel guilty getting their employee fired.

Just be sure your possession of the emails is legal. You wouldn't want the toxic friend to try to bring charges against you. There is data hidden in the emails which show the trail it took. You should consult with some IT guru to determine what is in there, and you should do good research on what is legal in your location in terms of accessing your wife's email. Hard copy printouts would not have the embedded data trail, and could be sent anonymously to toxic friend's boss.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would also send copies to toxic friend's husband so he knows what his wife did and what she thinks of the sanctity of marriage. Chances are she is a cheater too.


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> Do the emails prove she was attempting to get your wife and the guy into an affair? If so it is unethical behavior which her employer may be interested in, doubly so given that she did it on company time and company computers. You may have legal recourse to sue the bank for facilitating "Alienation of Affection" if your state has such a law. The bank thus would want to fire this woman to cover themselves.
> 
> I personally would not sue the bank but I would not feel guilty getting their employee fired.
> 
> Just be sure your possession of the emails is legal. You wouldn't want the toxic friend to try to bring charges against you. There is data hidden in the emails which show the trail it took. You should consult with some IT guru to determine what is in there, and you should do good research on what is legal in your location in terms of accessing your wife's email. Hard copy printouts would not have the embedded data trail, and could be sent anonymously to toxic friend's boss.


Yes, more than once She actively encouraged escalation to a PA.

Yes, printouts by mail From my attorney's law firm is the wAy to go.

Although i used a keylogger, i can allege her password was cache stored in the computer, and the legal limit to press charges on invasion of privacy has expired anyway.

If i follow through on this, i Will provide an extra copy to her husband for sure.

Thank you for your feedback.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

beyondrepair said:


> Yes, more than once She actively encouraged escalation to a PA.
> 
> Yes, printouts by mail From my attorney's law firm is the wAy to go.
> 
> ...


That sounds like the best plan.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP- My opinion on what I would do doesn't matter... what I'm discerning from your post is that this act of revenge will help you move on. 

I don't agree or judge you for that, but I completely understand it. Your W really uprooted your life right from under you, and her friend helped with it. Your wife got hers... (lost you, and her OM) but W's friend / co-conspirator remains in the complexity of her facade life/family... and that galls you. I get that.

Do what you need to do for you. If that means revenge on a guilty party... so be it.

Glad you are finally taking care of you. Once you get there, I'm sure any woman would be lucky to have you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The toxic friend had a vicarious affair through your wife.

This probably isn't the only time she's done this. 

Out her on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know then send the link to all contacts.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

beyondrepair said:


> Yes, more than once She actively encouraged escalation to a PA.
> 
> Yes, printouts by mail From my attorney's law firm is the wAy to go.
> 
> ...


I am certain her password was stored in the automatic fill in on a family computer which she knew you had access to. No "allege" needed at all. 

Good news that you've checked with your lawyer on this, too. Even though you are the harmed person in all of this, prosecutors like to get a win in any way they can.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I am a firm believer of enforcing consequences, human beings don't learn unless they face consequence for their actions.

when this kind of topic is discussed, some people believe that exposing after divorce or after you have moved on is revenge, but I don't. revenge would be if you were obsessing your time in finding ways to hurt this woman (like hiring a PI to find dirt about her and affect her in every level of her life) but your are not doing this, this information came to light when you were searching for the truth about *the factors that directly affected your life and relationship with your wife*, what she did was far from being a friend of the family and the marriage, she just not enabled the affair but also encouraged it and was a key factor in its development, affecting your life and your kid's life forever, and she did it playing her role as professional in her field and using resources and time from her company to do it, so don't feel bad a bout exposing her, after all, if what she did was not a bad thing then she would have nothing to worry about right?.

I don't know if you did it, but maybe you also deserve direct confrontation with her and even throwing at her face what you told us about her brother, while you were acting a concerned friend of her family she was sabotaging yours, this probably will help you to get closure in this bitter passage of your life



beyondrepair said:


> OM dumped her right after the separation.


BTW I agree with Arbitrator in his comment about the affair being physical, we had a saying here that EAs just remain as EAs as long as there are thousand of miles separating the APs, her OM acted as classic man just interested in the physical relationship without responsibilities, so he dumped her after he got what he wanted and become clear that your wife now wanted him to fulfill your role, I can not say that I feel bad about her. If anything use this thought to put that last nail in your relationship and to detach completely from her but don't obsess over if it was physical or not, Just assume it was and use it to left her behind in your personal life.

It would not be a bad idea to check yourself for STD, you never know.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Don't blame her toxic friend for your ex's actions.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you do nothing else at all.... let the toxic friend's husband know what his wife thinks of affairs between one of HER co-workers and a married woman. 

Let her explain herself to her husband - he may want to do some investigating of his own.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

On second thought if it gives you some closure and satisfaction, out toxic friend to her boss, HR, and her husband. I reread your post again. Why would she arrange daily meetings between your wife and her coworker? Disgusting and disrespectful. 

Make photocopies of the emails, mail them to HR. cc her husband and her supervisor. cc her brother that you helped out too. Maybe something comes of it, maybe not. If your ex cusses you out, you will know why. That's the question you need to ask yourself- is it worth having to listen to her? Maybe maybe not, only you can answer that.

They probably work at the same bank I used to work at. All leches there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Don't blame her toxic friend for your ex's actions.


But *do* blame the toxic friend for her actions.

Is her brother still living? If so, what's his take on what his sister did, while you were looking after his health needs?:scratchhead:


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> But *do* blame the toxic friend for her actions.
> 
> Is her brother still living? If so, what's his take on what his sister did, while you were looking after his health needs?:scratchhead:


Unfortunately her brother Had an agressive form of lung cancer and has already passed away. 

Btw i do blame my xw, like myself, there are no innocent parties in the demise of a M. The diference is i owned all of my behaviors and told her so, She never owned up to a single thing, especially the EA.

I think manticore and others really nailed it on the Head.

This woman played her part in hurting my kids. 

A short time after the separation i was having breakfast with my kids, and out of the blue there were tears streaming down my eldest's son face, who is the sweetest boy you can imagine, always looking out for his younger brother and others.
That moment crushed my heart like nothing ever before.

I am very very tempted to follow through with this, move on and wait for the fallout.

Thank you all for your input.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

beyondrepair

I think you have every right to out your wifes friend. Too many people get away with nonsense when they should focus on work or their own personal business.

Do what you think is best and do it with protection of yourself and kids.

And no matter what make sure that whatever you do your kids will respect you.

Who cares what their mother thinks... 

Good Luck

HM


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

beyondrepair said:


> Unfortunately her brother Had an agressive form of lung cancer and has already passed away.
> 
> Btw i do blame my xw, like myself, there are no innocent parties in the demise of a M. The diference is i owned all of my behaviors and told her so, She never owned up to a single thing, especially the EA.
> 
> ...


She hurt you and she hurt your children.

But there's another point that just occurred to me, by her actions she disrespected her dying brother, too.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I'd blow her ass out of the water.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you want to get your revenge by outing her to everyone then go right ahead. Maybe it will get the anger out of your system. 

When I found out my wife#2 was cheating, we were already apart and I found out through my 6 year old daughter who spilled the beans. Everyone said just to let it go but I had to get it out and let it fly and got it out. 

But if you want to make it worth while and go for the throat, then find yourself a good woman and when your ex sees that you are a happy boy then revenge will be sweet.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

6301 said:


> If you want to get your revenge by outing her to everyone then go right ahead. Maybe it will get the anger out of your system.
> 
> When I found out my wife#2 was cheating, we were already apart and I found out through my 6 year old daughter who spilled the beans. Everyone said just to let it go but I had to get it out and let it fly and got it out.
> 
> But if you want to make it worth while and go for the throat, then find yourself a good woman and when your ex sees that you are a happy boy then revenge will be sweet.


There's no reason he can't do both. And it's not revenge, but accountability for one's actions. He would be doing her husband a massive favor by outing his wife for her part in all this.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> There's no reason he can't do both. And it's not revenge, but accountability for one's actions. He would be doing her husband a massive favor by outing his wife for her part in all this.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Or just take the angle that you are a concerned customer of that bank and one of the employees there is using company time and resources for personal business thus creating a bad image for the bank. 

Banks do have a certain image that they want and need to portray to customers. Banks also hate paying employees for not working. They probably would fire her depending on how high up the food chain she is in the company. If she is playing gossip queen on company time what else is she emailing to others since banks are full of sensitive data. 

She can blame you all she wants, who cares? You never forced her to use her company email for personal business. We all do it and every company does accept it happens to a point yet the bank world has too much personal info about people to tolerate much gossip.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

This disgusting woman helped to destroy your kid's family and home.

H**l yes expose her for what she is...a conniving, evil woman.


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *
> As for her "pimping friend," she's comes from the same ilk as your W. "Birds of a feather flock together," so they say*


You are so right, you know, apart from this toxic friend my XW has now hooked up with another 2 female friends from high school.

One of them, a mother of 4, has also dumped her husband, apparently for OM, and is living right next door to my XW, in the same apartment building.

The other one, a lone wolf, has recently pursued a married man, with the support of my XW. This MM's wife works for my ex-FIL and has known my XW since she was little.
That didn't pan out, unfortunately. 

Sometimes I think (some) people have lost all their moral values and my life has turned into a large soap opera.

Who the h*ll is this person I lived with for 11 years and used to know?

I am following my gut and about to put some heat on the toxic b*tch.

Meeting my lawyer next week and drafting the letter.

Thank you all.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Thor said:


> I would also send copies to toxic friend's husband so he knows what his wife did and what she thinks of the sanctity of marriage. Chances are she is a cheater too.


Do not stop there. Also do a full exposure. Include toxic GF's employer showing the proof how she was using work time and resources to encourage an affair.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Still NOT a fan of the bank... Too deep pockets. Full of lawyers.

HUGE fan of outing to her husband and the whole flaming social circle of these harpies!


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Thanks for the input weightlifter, I still have to ponder about that one, last thing I really need right now is some legal bull****.

Anyway, I asked the toxic friend's husband for his email and sent him everything I had detailing his wife's behavior, including a CC to herself and my own XW.

What he does with it is up to him.

Everybody that matters now knows about my XW's actions and her rugsweeping behavior.

I am focusing now on moving on, taking care of my boys as best as possible, and living life to the fullest.

Thank you.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Still NOT a fan of the bank... *Too deep pockets. Full of lawyers.*


If you want to take on banks, media exposure is the way to go. Hurting their reputation will hurt their business. They will start scurrying away coz they'll be afraid of other skeletons tumbling out of the closet.


----------



## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

What is it that made you fall in love with your ex wife. I am sure she has some good qualities?


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

beyondrepair said:


> Anyway, I asked the toxic friend's husband for his email and sent him everything I had detailing his wife's behavior, including a CC to herself and my own XW.
> 
> What he does with it is up to him.
> 
> Everybody that matters now knows about my XW's actions and her rugsweeping behavior.


any sadisfactions yet?


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Stevenj said:


> What is it that made you fall in love with your ex wife. I am sure she has some good qualities?


She does have some good qualities, she is a great mother and I always admired her moral values.

Some switch appears to have flipped. She turns 40 next month.


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

jack.c said:


> any sadisfactions yet?


My XW replied to the email, said I had either gone mad or lost my backbone.

How entitled are these people anyway? :scratchhead:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

beyondrepair said:


> My XW replied to the email, said I had either gone mad or lost my backbone.


"Just sharing the wealth, honey.  "


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> "Just sharing the wealth, honey.  "


:


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

beyondrepair said:


> My XW replied to the email, said I had either gone mad or lost my backbone.
> 
> How entitled are these people anyway? :scratchhead:


send her this


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Tell her the only reason she is upset is because it is just further exposure to the world of what a worthless POS woman she is, to conspire with this toxic friend to engage in behavior that destroyed her children's lives.

And there would be no legal issue at all for you with the bank...all YOU are doing is informing their HR of misconduct during work hours of one of THEIR employees.

I'm sure they will probably appreciate getting tipped off to this behavior in fact...I'm sure they are not paying her to arrange A's and destroy M's.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

beyondrepair said:


> She does have some good qualities, she is a great mother and I always admired her moral values.
> 
> Some switch appears to have flipped. She turns 40 next month.


She might well have been a great mother. But not any more.


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> She might well have been a great mother. But not any more.


Ok, need to vent.

Matt you are spot on.

I already knew that after posOM my XW was already in a LDR for 3 months (before divorce was final and the other guy was freshly separated and still married, but fine, we never agreed not to date during the separation).

When she went away, she always told the kids she had to go on business, fine by me, never told them otherwise.

2 weeks ago she told my S10 about her relationship, and he covered his ears saying he didn't want to hear about it, to which she responded, that's fine, if you don't want to hear, you will eventually find out by someone else!!

So this time around, she brought this guy to her apartment to stay with them for 4 days, along with his 2 kids!

My son is completely outraged, saying his mother went crazy and should go to the doctor to get her head checked.

She always used to say, that more important than any financial security, her priority in life was the emotional well-being of her sons :wtf:

Talk about a change in priorities and dopamine high!

I know that this is totally out of my control, but it was obviously just too soon to blatantly bring someone else into the kids's lives, they were still emotionally adjusting to the whole situation.

Never thought I would see such selfish and self-centered behavior on her part.

How naive. 

:rant:


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Absolutely you should rain hellfire on her toxic friend. For many reasons. She hurt you and your kids. She helped destroy your marriage (although your XW is mainly responsible for that). And she should learn something from this so as not to do it again to someone else and also be held accountable for her actions. So blow her up - write to the bank and expose her. Get her fired. Let everyone that you both know (friends and family) know what she did.

Then .... you should now also do something similar with your wife. She is mistreating and disrespecting your children with this OM in their house. You need to expose this and also determine if you can get sole custody because of this (not sure if you can). If the kids are old enough (or even if just one of them is old enough) see if they can decide where they want to stay.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

beyondrepair said:


> Ok, need to vent.
> 
> Matt you are spot on.
> 
> ...


Remember a few posts back someone asked you what good qualities your wife had?

You answered she was a good mother.

Care to rephrase that?

Because a good mother does not expose her children to the Om or his kids so early on.

She is not naïve.

She is just a selfish, self centered biotch that only cares for herself.

Now how disappointed are you in her???

And you are right. There is not a damn thing you can do....

HM


----------



## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

No, I meant as usual I was the one being naive, she is anything but. 

She really is now just someone that I used to know, it's surreal. 

Regarding custody, my idea is in about a year or so to try and change it to 50/50, I know my kids are all for it and I hope the court will take that into account. Not sure what this situation in particular will matter.

Regarding the bank, I still havent met with the lawyer, but I exposed them to everyone else, including her friend's husband. 

Her family in general doesnt condone her behavior, although obviously they have to stand by her, blood being thicker.

I happened to have a small talk with my X-MIL this week, and she has already changed her tune a little bit regarding her daughter, and even tried to guilt-trip me into paying a little more alimony because her daughter was working extra hours and having it rough. :rofl:

Although I used to have a great Relationship with my inlaws and used to rely on them because my family lives some distance away, it's time I put a little more space between us, and focus solely on myself and the boys, and good Things that surely lie ahead.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

beyondrepair said:


> I happened to have a small talk with my X-MIL this week, and she has already changed her tune a little bit regarding her daughter, and even tried to guilt-trip me into paying a little more alimony because her daughter was working extra hours and having it rough.


"MIL, I might actually consider that if your daughter could keep her legs together and stop bringing strange men to MY KIDS' home when they don't want it. Tell her that. If I see a change in her, I'll think about it."


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

beyondrepair said:


> I happened to have a small talk with my X-MIL this week, and she has already changed her tune a little bit regarding her daughter, and even tried to guilt-trip me into paying a little more alimony because her daughter was working extra hours and having it rough. :rofl:


Next time your xMIL brings up this topic, tell her her daughter is making $20/hr from her services to the OM. That's why she allowed the OM to stay at her house for 4 days. Your xMIL is gonna go cuckoo.


----------

