# I'm not interested in sex..



## Young&Married (Jan 16, 2012)

I am 20 years old, My husband is 21. We have a two year old son, & have been married for three years. I was 17, he was 18 when we got married. Typically; anyone's first impression would be that we are/were far too young to even be trying to deal with a marriage, let alone young parents. I can proudly say that we've been quite successful, proving many people wrong. I absolutely love my husband, & wouldnt have done it any differently. With that being said; I personally think i am far too young to be dealing with mid-life sex issues in my marriage, & yet, here I am.
I absolutely have no interest, at all, to be sexually intimate with my husband. I dont even want to be touched. He bothers me most of the time. I see his missed calls on my cell through out the day, & i have instant frustration that i have to call him back. He wants to spend time with me, stay up late after our son is put to bed, go on dates together,(even if it's just walking around a grocery store, which i hate more than anything) ect. & it just bugs me!! I just want to distance myself even more. 
I sound like a crazy person. Any girl would be lucky to have a husband like mine, one who cares, & wants to spend time with me. I even avoid being alone with him at night- just so i dont have to come up with a lame excuse to get out of sex.

I know all marriages have problems. We're only human. But i just dont understand why I have no interest in being around him.. I love him. I really do. I dont want a seperation, or a divorce. No way. This problem needs to be resolved, & i dont know how to go about changing my constant frustration/anger towards him.

I am a very passive person. I always have been. I dont like confrontaion, it's just easier for me to always give in & let others be right. It's just not worth the effort to argue over such trivial things.
My husband on the other hand, is very confrontational. He's blunt & is not afraid to tell you how he feels. It's a "MUST" to talk things out. He is very very opinionated, & is usually the leader in most situations. (His behavior is not a sign of immaturity either; his whole family is this way)
I think it's safe to say that my husband is controlling. Which is something i usually wouldnt let bother me. But now, it's becoming a double standard. I'm constantly recieving negative feedback. Wether it's, i need to work on talking on the phone with others, my skills arent good. Or, I need to work on parking the car more "straight" because it's slightly crooked. There are seriously a very large number of examples i could list that are similliar. He makes me feel stupid.. like i'm not responsible enough to take care of anything myself. Let me just tell you; there are SO many trivial stupid things he does on the daily that drive me up the wall!!! Is it worth nagging & wining to him about? NO. We both have much more important things to worry about than the dumb little things. So, in the end, i feel like i've gone out of my way to work on not doing that to him, because i know how it feels- just to have him give me constant negative things i'm doing wrong. & then he's frustrated because I keep doing these little things (not intentionally) after he's talked to me about it.. he's thinking i'm not taking in what he's telling me, & that I find nothing important, that i abuse our items, & i disrespect him by not taking what he said into consideration. I come off like i'm just not making an effort. When I really really am!! He is always angry, or complaining about something. He's never just happy, there is always something wrong. I hate it, I hate it more than anything. There are some days where i dont even want him to come home.. I can work all day, & deal with my two year old at night, just fine- as long as he's not around being negative. The "golden rule" does not exist in his thoughts. Sometimes he treats me so bad, i end up in tears, only because if i had the opportunity to treat him the same way- i wouldnt.. I love him so much, I would never want him to feel the way i'm feeling at that moment.
He shows every single emotion in anger. If i could, i wouldnt let it get to me. But there is only so much i can handle until i feel completely worthless. So why make an effort when i feel so terribly? Why would i care to have sex, or be passionate, when I am talked down to so much.

My husband & i have batteled this subject out multiple times.. He has his point. & i have mine. Neither of us end up understanding eachother. So we always end it by saying we'll "work on it." Within a few months; we're back to barley speaking unless we're arguing. I know men get put down when they're wifes arent sexually active with them.. But i refuse to just do it to get him off my back. I want to enjoy it, I want it to be exciting & fun. Sex is not a chore- & yet thats how i've been feeling lately.

Has anyone else who's experienced this problem in they're marriage please give me advice? I cant keep avoiding my husband, i'm hurting his feelings, & it's killing me. I want to just give in all over again, just so he knows i care & love him.. But I end up so miserable in the end, it's not healthy.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I don't even know where to begin with all this but I'm sure this thread will become interesting.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Has he always nagged you or is this something that is pretty new? How long have you been trying to avoid him?


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

so where is the part that you have proved everyone wrong about being too young?
sounds like you were.
you werent ready to be married.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I haven't really experienced this as I don't treat my wife this way, but I think the biggest issues you have here is both your husband's Alpha-only behavior combined with your complete passiveness... It has become a toxic mix working against you. 

Your husband doesn't seem to know the importance of Beta behaviors that make his woman feel warm and fuzzy and cozy in her relationship with him. And your passiveness has become the enabler to his Alpha-only behavior because you submit to it every single time, rather than putting your foot down and standing up for yourself to show him that certain behaviors are simply unacceptable. The end result is a pattern that has developed which now works against your libido, because having a guy steamroll you all the time doesn't make you attracted to him.

Your husband needs to learn how to talk and treat you as an equal in your relationship. He needs to show you respect and make you know that you're the most important thing in his world, because when your man makes you feel that way your body starts to respond to the chemistry. A good husband knows the importance of expressing both Alpha and Beta traits in his marriage and the benefits of doing so... but leaning too heavily on one or the other either makes him start to become a controlling pr!ck (too Alpha) or a doormat that gets walked all over (too Beta).


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

We were married at 16 and 17, she was pregnant. This sounds like a very familiar story. I was much like your husband. My wife is much like you like you in that she would withdraw when I treated her like that. She could not open up to me sexually while I was treating her so badly. Most women need to feel emotionally intimate before they can be physically intimate. I would suspect that you have no sexual desire for him because you do not feel loved. It would take me a long time to explain how we both changed, but counseling had much to do with it. We celebrated 39 years last July and we are best friends and passionate lovers. I can try to help; send me an IM if you want.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, the thing is, when it comes down to it the only person we have any hope of changing is simply ourselves.

So, let's start there with you. 

From your description your husband does sound a bit controlling and demeaning toward you. So, you may have to shake yourself out of your passivity if you want this to get better. If you can't respect yourself enough to stand up boundaries of being treated right and respecftully, then no one else will respect you either.

I really like the following book. When a person gets to the point where they have healthy self-respect, they can see things so much more clearly in order to make better decisions:

http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Yourself-Emotional-Self-Esteem/dp/1573245690/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326724452&sr=1-1

You know age has no bounds on maturity or lack thereof. And, I think you and your H need to establish some new ways of communicating and interacting with each other. Is he willing to try? Would both of you be willing to try some sessions of MC to learn how to communicate with each other better?

Best wishes.


----------



## Young&Married (Jan 16, 2012)

uphillbattle said:


> Has he always nagged you or is this something that is pretty new? How long have you been trying to avoid him?


Well I'm a licensed cosmetologist, graduated last year in June. I feel like a lot of it started half way through my schooling. So I've been avoiding him since then off & on depending on how he acts. & I act that way until he forces me to open up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Young&Married (Jan 16, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> so where is the part that you have proved everyone wrong about being too young?
> sounds like you were.
> you werent ready to be married.


We were ready to be married, & we still are wanting to work things out. Every marriage has problems. We proved them wrong by being responsible adults & parents.. Otherwise we wouldn't have lasted this long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Latinking (Nov 29, 2011)

He needs to learn how to love you again as when you guys started as bf/gf. Alot of times married couples treat their partner as if he/she were a robot. Since we expect our partner to be there no matter how he/she behaves, does, etc. And that's when things get so so unhappy. Confess what made you unhappy in ya's relationship,and how much you really want to feel the love as when you guys first got started. tell him also how much you still love him.


----------



## Young&Married (Jan 16, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> We were married at 16 and 17, she was pregnant. This sounds like a very familiar story. I was much like your husband. My wife is much like you like you in that she would withdraw when I treated her like that. She could not open up to me sexually while I was treating her so badly. Most women need to feel emotionally intimate before they can be physically intimate. I would suspect that you have no sexual desire for him because you do not feel loved. It would take me a long time to explain how we both changed, but counseling had much to do with it. We celebrated 39 years last July and we are best friends and passionate lovers. I can try to help; send me an IM if you want.


Thank you so much for replying to this. It feels good knowing that others have gone through this as well. I just have one question for you, how would you have reacted if your wide tried to explain it all to you back then? Cause when I try to get it through to my husband, he likes to put blame on me to make himself feel better, don't get me wrong, it takes two to tango, but instead of him just listening & taking what I'm saying into consideration; he likes to point out all the things I'm doing wrong to justify himself & his actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are on your way to a divorce. Maybe you don't want it, but someday and maybe soon, he'll file.

People don't get married to be alone or sexless.

Have you tried talking to him? I know it will be uncomfortable but you owe it to you husband to be straight with him. Do it in a loving way...a lot of "I feel" and "I think" to start your sentences.

But he won't live like this forever and when that day comes, you will find the motivation to want to be with him--- then it will be too late.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Young&Married said:


> Thank you so much for replying to this. It feels good knowing that others have gone through this as well. I just have one question for you, how would you have reacted if your wide tried to explain it all to you back then? Cause when I try to get it through to my husband, he likes to put blame on me to make himself feel better, don't get me wrong, it takes two to tango, but instead of him just listening & taking what I'm saying into consideration; he likes to point out all the things I'm doing wrong to justify himself & his actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What worked for me and my Hubs while we were in the thick of our issues (separation) was this:

I feel....
I need...
How can WE fix this?

We would agree before talking that no one is right or wrong. Feelings are valid AND should be discussed even if the other person feels they are being attacked. Do it calmly and do not raise voices. If he gets upset, quietly tell him you will talk again when he's calm...then get up and walk away.

This really helped us be better communicators and appreciate each others perception of reality.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> I haven't really experienced this as I don't treat my wife this way, but I think the biggest issues you have here is both your husband's Alpha-only behavior combined with your complete passiveness... It has become a toxic mix working against you.
> 
> Your husband doesn't seem to know the importance of Beta behaviors that make his woman feel warm and fuzzy and cozy in her relationship with him. And your passiveness has become the enabler to his Alpha-only behavior because you submit to it every single time, rather than putting your foot down and standing up for yourself to show him that certain behaviors are simply unacceptable. The end result is a pattern that has developed which now works against your libido, because having a guy steamroll you all the time doesn't make you attracted to him.
> 
> Your husband needs to learn how to talk and treat you as an equal in your relationship. He needs to show you respect and make you know that you're the most important thing in his world, because when your man makes you feel that way your body starts to respond to the chemistry. A good husband knows the importance of expressing both Alpha and Beta traits in his marriage and the benefits of doing so... but leaning too heavily on one or the other either makes him start to become a controlling pr!ck (too Alpha) or a doormat that gets walked all over (too Beta).


:iagree:

You need to go to counseling. If he will not go with you, go alone. Do not wait, do it now. Your marriage is in huge trouble.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Young&Married said:


> Well I'm a licensed cosmetologist, graduated last year in June. I feel like a lot of it started half way through my schooling. So I've been avoiding him since then off & on depending on how he acts. & I act that way until he forces me to open up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When did you stop wanting sex with him? Before or after he stated to be this way?

What new things happened in your relationship at that time?


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Young&Married said:


> Thank you so much for replying to this. It feels good knowing that others have gone through this as well. I just have one question for you, how would you have reacted if your wide tried to explain it all to you back then? Cause when I try to get it through to my husband, he likes to put blame on me to make himself feel better, don't get me wrong, it takes two to tango, but instead of him just listening & taking what I'm saying into consideration; he likes to point out all the things I'm doing wrong to justify himself & his actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That one is hard to answer. I am not sure I would have taken it very well. That is why counseling can help. The same thing said by someone else can sometimes get through.

Would he go to counseling with you? Would he read a book with you?


----------

