# A sad but true story of wealth, beauty, adultery :( and sexlessness



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This story is true. Every word of it. Well as true as any one sided story can ever be. And it is on the high end of sad - so as always, proceed at your own risk. Of course the names have been changed to protect the participants. As for my "source" it is a single thread from another site - that ran 100 plus pages over a period of a year. Plus 10-20 PM's over 6 months or so. 

From the outside: They have it ALL. Even by American standards they are rich, both attractive - IMO - she is very attractive. Fit - at 50 - just over 6 feet and 200 pounds - he looks like he can rip a telephone book apart with his bare hands. Handsome and well proportioned he gets a LOT of looks from the women. 

She is just shy of 50, looks 40 and has a delightful, extraverted personality. 

A beautiful primary residence and a super nice beach front home a few hours away. He grew a single store into a chain. Net worth: 16 Million. Annual pre-tax income from his job about a million dollars (excluding investment income). Two beautiful, successful children. 
He has no anger problems, doesn't yell, or curse or say hateful things to his W or kids. Very even keeled guy. 

Drug and alcohol consumption: She drinks socially - and lightly. He never drinks - devout baptist. 

Duration of sexlessness: many, many years. 100 percent her choice. He WANTS to have sex and is angry they don't. 

Before we contemplate burning her at the stake a few more facts about him from the outside.
- He runs his business like a pro. Calm, smart and honest he has a lot of repeat business. People are comfortable with him and trust him. 
- He has never cheated - ah that devout baptist thing again
- He is very coordinated - more on that later - an excellent golfer. 

And a thumbnail sketch of her:
- Fun, playful 
- Excellent verbal skills
- Honest and balanced in her assessment of herself and others
- Oh yeah - one more thing - she LIKES sex

They met young and married at 21 or 22. 

And now we get to the painful - heart of the matter. As a partner - he is a train wreck. Granted this is all according to her, but in 100's of posts she never once contradicted herself. She was every bit as hard on herself as on him. There was no raging/crazy over the top tone to any of her posts. And her responses to being "hammered" by many posters were mature, and well thought out. 

I am going to start in the bedroom and work my way out. 
- He is COMPLETELY unwilling to have any conversations about sex. Under intense duress he has complained a few times that they don't have sex. But he isn't willing to talk about "sex itself" either in or out of the bedroom. That might play if they were compatible but....
- For the first decade of marriage he never once brought her to the rapture. Not once. This was due to:
1. him not giving oral despite getting it alot
2. his PE causing him to never last more than one minute - typically more like 20-30 seconds
3. her not pushing the issue
When she did push for some effort on his part, everything changed. Oh - wait - everything changed if you adopt the simplistic male view that she "comes" every time. Their "new and improved routine" consisted of the exact same experience over and over:
- Brief kissing
- Him giving her oral until she came
- Him sliding up and "pushing her head down" - hey it was his turn for some fun (not roughly - he isn't violent) but firmly like - "you own me some oral now" - followed by incredibly brief intercourse. 

YES she came almost every time. AND She HATED that he pushed her head down. She was fine giving him oral but she wanted to "give" not have him sort of "demand" it. She HATED that he wouldn't make the effort to "last longer". She TRIED to talk to him about doing things differently. His answer was always the same "silence". She HATED that he wouldn't ever talk about it. 

Not at first. Not for the first year or decade. But eventually her resentment grew to be unmanageable. 

Outside the bedroom. Well I am going to keep this short as I grow weary of a story that from the outside looks one way, and from the inside, quite the opposite. 

Outside the bedroom:
After work he had no interest in conversation or interaction. He liked to watch TV. If she attempted to speak to him while he was watching TV he would 
- hit pause on the DVR
- turn to her and holding the remote between them to let her know he was hoping she would keep it short so he could resume watching his show
- and proceed to keep whatever conversation ensued as short as possible

When they went out to dinner, which wasn't often, he would frown at her if she ordered one glass of wine. He was worried "what other people might thing" even if they were quite a drive away from their home. If they went to a party, he often would want to leave early even if she was having fun. And he was very persistent that she leave with him because "that is what marriage is". 

BTW - I told her - as did many others - she should divorce him and move on. Sadly she was very co-dependent and even though she would have gotten a giant settlement - she was afraid to be responsible for finances. And despite having grounds (deep sigh - yes she ultimately - after 20 years of the above - moved out and had an affair and then moved back home). he seemed unwilling to divorce her.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes...never judge a book by it's cover. I'm sure the neighbours and people at their church think they are the sweetest most lovely couple they know.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm often SHOCKED at the couples we know who seperate/divorce...most 'seemed' so happy.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Mem11363 I get that this is a "don't trust a book by it's cover" for some, but as I say over and over reading your posts, is it not more a "pat my self on the back and point out how wonderful I am" by comparison?

I have read many of your posts mem11363 and they very much all stick to the script of what has worked in your marriage, the pratfalls you've encountered and how you have corrected them. So you have found another poster on another site (which one?) to show not all is what it seems and that for the most part "look at what an ass the husband is" and why you are so different (and so much better)......

I say this noting in other posts you seem to resent those not having enough sex but saying they get there wives off 90%+ of the time and looking for something else in these relationships and again explaining how things work in your house.

I say that because after the first 10 years of this woman not having had an orgasm, now that was no longer an issue, but it was him forcing her to go down on him that she found repugnant.


Here you have a spouse who frowned on the fun she may have had at parties (and pushing her out the door), a little drinking, couldn't communicate or engage in meaningful conversation (including about sex), came to quick and forced her head down to get BJ's.

I get it, how perfect you are Mem11363. I really do....

Yes I am being sarcastic and nasty as I always am in posts......

And yes a very fun read..... Thanks


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm not really shocked... there is a tipping point. When in a situation where your needs are not being met and your partner does not step up to the plate to work on it, it is very easy to lose your self esteem.

Once that happens, a lot of people believe they cannot leave. Who would want them? They lose faith in themselves and start believeing they don't even deserve to be happy.

It's hard to get out of that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sad story...but you basically said she wouldn't leave because of the Ca$h he makes.

So who's worse? The uncommunicative man who's bad at sex, or the communicative wife who very well may be just as bad at sex for all we know but she sticks around cause she has it so good.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Sad story...but you basically said she wouldn't leave because of the Ca$h he makes.
> 
> So who's worse? The uncommunicative man who's bad at sex, or the communicative wife who very well may be just as bad at sex for all we know but she sticks around cause she has it so good.


Note she did leave him and have an affair (though not sure that can be classified an affair, since they were separated). Heck maybe you're right and her AP dumped her because she was so bad, or maybe the AP wasn't so good, which is why she went back?????


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

You mention more than once that he is a devout baptist. Speaking as the son of a part-time baptist preacher and someone who spent most of his childhood and teen years in church (but is now an atheist), I wonder how much the guy's religious beliefs played a part in these problems. I promise I'm not trying to start a religion-bashing debate, but much of the story could be related to his religious beliefs.

Doesn't want to talk about sex? Check.
Doesn't drink alcohol and disapproves of his wife drinking even a little? Check.
Male-first, or even male-only, attitude in bed? Check.
Wants to convey a super-Godly image to the rest of the world, regardless of what the home life is actually like? Check.

I promise I'm not one of those angry atheists who's always trying to point out the foibles of religion. But growing up with parents similar to those in Mem's story, I definitely see the positive and negative impact religion has on marriages.


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## cinibun (Feb 3, 2012)

Wow it sounds so familiar in some ways. married 20 years also, DH will not discuss sex, in or out of Bedroom, I have same problem touch her touch there.. its over and when I would get angry at hey what about me, it was and it, oh well next time.. how dare you get angry about my PE! now two years later after I have begged finally found out it was low T all along, only he didst care.. I hope you find happiness, life is too short to waste being "safe" for the money.. money is paper life is a gift. Someone out there would love to hold you, kiss you passionately and make love in the daytime in the living room....I say this as a lonely women in the same shoes who daydreams about the same scenario...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Truth is stranger than fiction!! We've all seen strange things...........I've worried that when I get older and the kids are gone that I'll leave I guess we'll see in a decade or so.


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