# The 'Good Guy'



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

I need to know more about the 'Good Guy'

I have been reading the thread by Lifescript and it hit me between the eyes. Thanks to comments by a few people, Conrad, Keko, and Traggy to name but a few.

I really need to see this thread and re-read it, so I have signed up, and need to get 30 posts to view it in the private area.

I have started reading the Robert Glover book - how scary?!

Thanks guys


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well,

Let's help you get to 30 posts, but let's also make them 30 useful ones.

If Lifescript's thread pertains to your story, you need to learn about a few things:

1. Are you a "nice guy"? I know you said you read Glover's book, but does it really apply to you? Do you relate with the sexual symptoms and the specifics of your relationship with your mother?

2. Is your wife a strong candidate for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? Don't make an emotional judgement on this. 

3. The most important thing to learn: 

- Are you a rescuer/fixer or a victim or perhaps both? 

- Do you find yourself trying to become sexual/romantic with women who have chaotic/depressing life problems with the anticipation of making things better for them? 

- Do you enjoy getting recognized for making sacrifices? 

- Do you usually find yourself rooting for the underdog in conflicts and battles?

- Do you have difficulty believing people's love for you? (not your parents).



A marriage between a BPDer and a "Nice Guy" who happens to be a "fixer/rescuer" may seem absurd but I've learned that it's far more common than it looks. In fact, I have come to believe that BPD symptoms flourish in such relationships more than they would in others.

Give more details about your situation to make it easier to discuss.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Better yet, do you "think/fantasize" someone will appreciate you for "making things better" for them?

Think about how funny that sounds.

Of course not.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

I show all the traits of a good guy, I havent looked at the sexual part of this as yet, but as far as trying to please her, I really counldnt do enough.

I looked to do everything she asked of me, never confronted her about any issues, really nothiong was too much trouble on the surface but underneath it was bubbling away at me.

The way I showed frustration, was to give her the silent treatment, when things got way too much, she'd ask "whats the problem, whats wrong" - I would reply "Nothing" and just be silent, it wouldnt usually last long.

Now my wife when I met her hardly had 2 pennies to rub together, for instance her wardrobe was a sunbed, her bed was a mattress on the floor. I had a 3 bed house, she had a 1 bed flat, we mooved together into a brand new 4 bedroom house, we had holidays, in Greece, Mexico, Thailand, Barbados - 
I took her to Paris for birthdays and wedding anniversary, bought her a sports car.

I met my soon to be X wife at work, she left and eventually had a PA with her boss. I have no idea what symptoms BPD show buit im now way convinced she has this, I need to delve deeper - real deep.

We tried to reconcile - it was a one way reconciliation, she was in contact with her OM all the time - she wouldnt wear her wedding rings, commit to me and us.

I am now in final strages of divorce, she has leftr the house and I this very morning have changed the locks.

So I am definately a giver, a knight in shining armour - what is she?

I feel I was used as a stepping stone to an even better life, I showed her a decent life, better than what she came from (in my eyes at least) now her new man, a managing director of a company she works has more money than me, and shes "done one" Materialistic things make her "Happy" shopping trips (like all women i suppose) but whats history is simply that history....she needs to know whats happeining today and tomorrow, and cannot see 6 months down the line.

Her childhood?? Poverty.....taken out to her friends house so their mums can feed her properly....no food on her parents home..no way can I diagnose BPD

I just know my marriage has failed, im a huge giver to make her feel better, and in my eyes give her a better life.

How did I become a good guy?? I had a stable family, and thought my childhood was ideal.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

She used to walk all over me in arguements that she would raise, talk to me like a piece of dirt (she also talks to her parents the same way) she could bully me into silence.

I see myself as a weakling, wimp now.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Been thinking about apologising for her bahaviour, I think I experienced a twist on this a little bit.

I love my sport and enjoy going to watch the football, so every other saturday and the odd midweek off I trot to the football.

Saturday 11:30 - 18:00, midweek straight from work till 22:00

I felt a guilty as hell for going, I felt like I abandond her, I went on valentines night, she ok'd it, and when I got home I got the rolloking from hell "All my friends are having romantic meals" "blah blah blah", then the next moring she apologised to me.

I think during our reconciliation, she was looking for me to break up with her......which eventually I did, when I came to my wits end, and realised her actions betrayed her words. I read about actions betraying words on a website in the UK, and eventually this saved me more turmoil, but I never realised my faults in being "nice guy"


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well at least you had the courage and wisdom to end the marriage. I never had it. She left every time and I went after her all apologetic, full of love and promises. 

If you read my full story here (since my first thread), you'll probably feel much more empowered about your own situation 

All said and done, you and I both need to acknowledge our undeniable part in enabling our wives to treat us the way they did. Normal guys would've dumped their ass shortly after the honeymoon stage (first year). We didn't.

head over to bpdfamily.com and see if your wife could have been a BPDer. Nice guys are frequently attracted to BPDers. In fact, nice-guy and BPD traits are very complimentary and highly flourish in each others' presence.

Your marriage was hopeless from day one. You always knew it, but chose to fight it because of the "fixer" you have been trained to become.

An ideal childhood in your mind is just that, in your mind. No one has the ideal childhood. It takes only one or two early experiences to plant the seeds of major personality issues that surface in adulthood. Almost everyone has some childhood baggage that they may or may not be aware of. It's not that important or easy to find the root of your behaviors though. 

What is important is that you know you are a proven "nice guy" and need to be extra careful about your next relationship.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

I will have a look at the website Synt, thank you.

You are correct, it was hopeless from day one, I can remember a friend of hers on her first date said "Dont try and own her, shes a free spirit"

Her past also should have raised the red flag, any bloke she could get at the weekend.

But I thought I ciould fix it and she would settle down....

Thanks off to look at that website.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The "honeymoon" stage in my relationship was the first 3 months.

She first started talking of walking out one week after the wedding.

True commitment


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Blimey Conrad....

I cant see any BPD traits in my X wife really, but she did transfer her guilt onto me, but I think the majority of people do that during the course of an affair.

I think I need to concentrate on my "Mr Nice Guy" issues


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

donkler said:


> Blimey Conrad....
> 
> I cant see any BPD traits in my X wife really, but she did transfer her guilt onto me, but I think the majority of people do that during the course of an affair.
> 
> I think I need to concentrate on my "Mr Nice Guy" issues


Affairs happen for any number of reasons, but BPD is a huge catalyst for one.

The rage involved has to go somewhere - and it often lands on the partner. The BPD'er then justifies treating that person any way they wish.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Concur with the above. My STBXW is classic BPD but I didn't want to see it either. Since January of this year she has slept with 8 different men and her current relationship is falling apart as well. Heavy alchohol dependance recently and violent tendancies. Not the woman I married. I too am a recovering nice guy. Read the site and put the adivce to use for your next relationship.


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