# 16th day in the Silent Treatment



## sighlence (Feb 28, 2012)

I'm in a state of confusion and am hoping to get a fresh perspective on this please. Day 2 of the silent treatment from my husband I finally went to the Dr after being sick for a while, I found out its pneumonia. I'm also a basket case from the silent treatment. Day 4 I drove myself to Dr again for my "annual" I thought the worst part would be driving to and from while I was sick. However my Dr found significant reasons to schedule additional breast and endometrial cancer tests. I broke the silence that night and told my husband, I was looking for a little support or perhaps encouragement, no response. I remained in the silent treatment. Day 5 my in-laws took my 22 yo stepdaughter she lives with them) to a hospital 3 hrs away from where i live for a scheduled surgery to treat a staph infection. I did not visit her because i didnt want to expose her or anyone else to pneumnia and I was too sick myself to make that drive. (i had to rest in the car after driving 15 mins to town for some groceries) I sent flowers with a kind note about how i wish i could be there and wish i could do something to make her feel better. She was in the hosp 5 days. I called and text her numerous times without response. Day 10 I had 2 cancer screenings alone. Day 11 the Dr office found areas of concern on my tests, called and wanted to squeeze me in for more tests. I shared this with my husband while still in the silent treatment and remained in the silent treatment. Day 12 I'm a wreck, VERY confused about the simplest tasks, exhausted, forgetful, disoriented and fighting a fever again. I realized all of the above had worn me down, stressed me out and I had to rest. Day 15 Dr wants more invasive outpatient tests. I havent told anyone, Id rather do it alone than feel as alone as i do when i tell him. Today, he briefly broke the silent treatment to tell me how "really upset" he and his parents are that i havent been over to see my step daughter. They knew what was going on. I am now so stressed, confused, depressed. I am overwhelmed. Should i have tried harder, pushed myself more? What does this look like from your perspective?


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

You have only one post and you dont say anything at all about your relationship, your marriage, or anything that led up to you being in "silent treatment" with your husband or why he has unilaterally decided to stop speaking to you for over 2 weeks.

All I can tell you is that silent treatment in general is a passive aggressive, childish way of not dealing with conflict and is the direct opposite of open communication and resolution of conflict.

I mean, what is the reason you two aren't speaking and what's the ultimate goal here?


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## sighlence (Feb 28, 2012)

This started because I didnt call to let him know I was on my way home from visiting family a few hours away. I spoke with him about 2 hrs before i left, he was on his way to a card game with friends. He was furious that I didnt let him know, then he started acting like I'm not here, with the exception of an occasional text asking me to do something. I have calmly apologized for not letting him know, explained that I felt like I was being courteous not to disturb his card game but understand his point of view and in hind sight I should have let him know.

My goal here is to simply get outside of my head and get a fresh perspective on what is going on here.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

From what you wrote, at the very least, your husband is acting in a very childish, controlling, and selfish manner regarding what happened to spark the silent treatment you're dealing with. On top of that, he doesn't seem to be giving you any support regarding your medical conditions, which seem pretty serious.

How old are the two of you? How long have you and your husband been married? Has your communication always been this lopsided? Are there any built-up resentments from past issues that have not been resolved?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The silent treatment is one of the cruelest moves, as per my wife. I did it once for two days and swore that no matter what, I will never do that again.

I think that if I had been given the silent treatment for two weeks while I was sick, I would tell my spouse, "I just want you to know that the silent treatment worked. You want it quiet? Imagine how quiet it's going to be here after I leave. Bye."
And shut the door behind you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are being tested for cancer and your husband is being a d!ck. Is this a pattern with him? The silent treatment? Ugh. He is being unreasonable. Of course you couldn't visit your stepD for fear of getting her sicker. You need to talk to him. My ex husband use the silent treatment all the time...he could go weeks, over a month. It is emotional abuse and breaks you down. My heart goes out to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I don't care what the conflict was about that started the silent treatment. To threat you this way while you are going though this testing and stress is wrong in so many ways. This is not an acceptable way to treat people in general and your spouse especially. 

The silent treatment is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse. I agree with the previous poster who said that is he wants it silent then leave and let him have it totally silent!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow! Your husband is unbelievable! Quite controlling too. He should of been there for you during your doctor appointments.

I was just recently in the hospital for a massive kidney infection for 5 nights. My husband had tears in his eyes the first two days I was there. I was in pain I never felt in my life. I can't imagine going through cancer without my husband's support. 

In the last 13 years we never ever given the silent treatment. We've only been in one argument, which was recently and lasted a whole 5 minutes. I did walk away, but I never stopped talking to my husband. He later apologized for the argument.

I agree that the silent treatment is childish. 2 weeks is insane. What a jerky thing to do to you. I'm very sorry for what you been through.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your husband isn't a husband.

He's a jerk.

Sorry you are sick...you shouldn't be going anywhere while you heal from pneumonia. I'm surprised the gyno wanted you in there for testing.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Well, since I most likely could not control my BPD enough to tolerate that....I would have kicked him. That would have gotten a sound out of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lol Pidge. Sighlence, I hope all your testing goes well with your doctors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm coming on here to respond as a cancer survivor who got the diagnosis, tests, and chemo alone. My husband was beyond the silent treatment. He was drunk most of the time and didn't give a good cahoot whether I pulled through or not.

I understand your fear, confusion, and stress. I had a close call with breast cancer; diagnosis: only nonmalignant cysts. I had a VERY close call with endometrial cancer; diagnosis: nonmalignant uterine fibroids. Guess the third time 'round was the charm. I knew from my routine blood work months before a final diagnosis that I had cancer. 

So while I'm here to tell you that your husband is being a royal horse's a$$, I want you to know that there are volunteers who man the phones 24/7 to give support to people who are surviving with a cancer diagnosis. If this should be you, please call the toll-free number for The American Cancer Society (1-800-227-2345). They will hook you up with someone who can totally relate to what you are going through.

Now, I don't want you jumping to conclusions at this point. Doctors nowadays over-test because they are so scared of lawsuits. Like I said, I had two very real scares and it ended up being nothing. Actually, I have a cancer that generally occurs in men age 70 and older. Go figure. I wind up with a weird and relatively rare form of the disease.

Okay, back to you ... Confirm what, if anything, you have. Tell your husband the results when you get them. Whether they're good or bad, let him know. Then let him know that his silent treatment has gotta go. It's cruel. This is where you set boundaries. You cannot change his crappy behavior, but you can change what you will and will not accept.

I could not accept my husband drinking himself right out of a career. So, cancer and all, I left. If you are feeling very scared and alone right now, please feel free to PM me. I've walked a few miles in your shoes, and I don't mind one bit giving support to anyone going through what you are right now.

Prayers going out for you that all those tests come back as nothing serious.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sounds like a sadist


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wow what an a$$.

I would sit him down and tell he he is a horrible husband. that in your very real time of need he ignorded you because you didn't call him to let him know you were leaving. what the hell was he thinking.

I don't know how I would get over the cruel way he treats you.

focus on getting the best treatment/ tests you can and sfter kick his sorry a$$ to the curb.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I get the feeling you aren't telling us the whole story. If everything you said should be taken at face value, you are married to the world's biggest ass on the planet and you should divorce him immediately.

I don't think that's the case though, I think something else is going on and you are embarassed to share or just want your feelings to be validated. What would your husband say if he was on the forum?

Giving someone silent treatment for 16 days, while they are going through cancer, is pretty horrible. I would be surprised he could remain that much of a douche over a phone call about leaving your family's house. If that's the real story, why would you stick around that situation?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my wife and i arent speaking much right now, been about 3 weeks. its a mutual silent treatment i guess. we talk about the kids issues and thats about it. but i can tell you emphatically, if she was going thru what you are with the health issues i would be there every step of the way. what he is doing to you is out of bounds


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> my wife and i arent speaking much right now, been about 3 weeks. its a mutual silent treatment i guess. we talk about the kids issues and thats about it. but i can tell you emphatically, if she was going thru what you are with the health issues i would be there every step of the way. what he is doing to you is out of bounds


So because neither one of you is suffering from serious health issues, it's ok to ignore each other for 3 weeks or more?

At what point do you break the stalemate, is it the sort of thing where one of you finally buckles under the strain of mutual ignorance (or whatever you want to call it) and suggests you start talking again like it never happened?

What do you expect to actually accomplish by not talking to each other for weeks at a time? Is it that you're just too stubborn to give in or something? What do the children think about having two parents that do not speak to one another?

I just don't get it.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

hisfac said:


> So because neither one of you is suffering from serious health issues, it's ok to ignore each other for 3 weeks or more?
> 
> At what point do you break the stalemate, is it the sort of thing where one of you finally buckles under the strain of mutual ignorance (or whatever you want to call it) and suggests you start talking again like it never happened?
> 
> ...


i dont care if you get it. unless you know the whole story you cant understand it. im not asking you too


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> i dont care if you get it. unless you know the whole story you cant understand it. im not asking you too


I didn't mean "I don't get it" as in "please tell me why you do it", it was more like "why do people simply not deal with their problems and refuse to communicate rather than deal with them, one way or the other" and even that question is hypothetical, because I know the answer. 

It's all about fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of conflict, fear of accepting that the problems aren't fixable and having the inner strength to walk away and take your chances with life. 

As opposed to living in perpetual misery, not doing anything to make things better, or worse, and just sort of floating along mindlessly for an indefinite period of time while missed opportunities come and go.. 

It's sad. 

I say this because I was in a bad marriage. It took some guts, and it took overcoming a lot of fear but I did it. So I can shake my head at those who wallow in misery because they aren't willing or able to take the next step.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

hisfac said:


> I didn't mean "I don't get it" as in "please tell me why you do it", it was more like "why do people simply not deal with their problems and refuse to communicate rather than deal with them, one way or the other" and even that question is hypothetical, because I know the answer.
> 
> It's all about fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of conflict, fear of accepting that the problems aren't fixable and having the inner strength to walk away and take your chances with life.
> 
> ...


there is no fear of confrontation on my part. an i am not in misery. my marriage is almost over, just working on the details.

but my point was, that even though my wife and i are on the outs, i would still be there for her if she was going thru what the op is


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> there is no fear of confrontation on my part. an i am not in misery. my marriage is almost over, just working on the details.


Oh, nevermind then.


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