# tell me your opinions please



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Hello, I have been on TAM for a few months now but have always posted under another category about divorces. Well since my divorce is now done and over, I have started seeing someone and wanted to some opinions from the women (and I may post this question for the men too to get their thoughts.) ok, here goes...
I am in a new relationship and I feel very good about this relationship. However I am trying to distinguish between my own personal feelings and what is real. Here is the low down on my situation. The guy I am dating now is a guy who I once dated in the past. (six years ago) We dated maybe about 4 or 5 months before going our own ways (no hard feelings between us) We both married other people and we both ended up divorced. (Long story short version) His divorce was over 2 years ago, mine was just this year. About 2 months ago, I had my profile up on a dating website and lo and behold, there he was, also on this dating site. It had been 6 years since I had seen him or spoke to him. I sent him a hello message and he wrote me back giving me his number. We've been talking since. Now, I've liked this guy since the first time I dated him years ago (I wont go into the long story of what happened before but just know there were no hard feelings between us when we went our own way) I'm not sure if I believe in fate, destiny or meant-to-be's but I feel that for us to be re-united completely by chance has to mean something, right? 
Here is how things are going...we dont actually speak everyday. Maybe once or twice a week by phone and the quick occasional text message. I get to see him about once a week. I am okay with the seeing him once a week thing (for now anyways, would like that to increase eventually) we live about 35 minutes apart from each other. I have a job, I'm in college, I have 3 children and a house to maintain. I am both mom and dad as my ex-husband now lives an hour away. He has no kids of his own but he is a cop and that keeps him pretty busy. He is very dedicated to his work and I do admire that. I am to the place where I would like to take our relationship to the next level. Right now, I am not sure if I could even officially call him my boyfriend and I am not sure of his feelings for me. (Yes, we are having a sexual relationship if that makes any difference) He is very hard to read but I am sure that's the cop in him. I feel a great connection when I am with him and we have both since removed our dating profiles but we have not talked about being exclusive yet. Will that come naturally or should I ask him?
The next step I would like to take with him is a simple one. I would like our communication to increase. I understand with our own personal lives we may not get to speak every day but I'd like to speak with him more than twice a week and even though I do get to see him an average of once a week, I never know when that one day a week will be. It's a play by ear type of deal. I want him to know that I would like more but I dont want to come on too strong.
Is he still thinking about me even though we may go 4 or 5 days without speaking? 
Should I talk to him about things or just wait to see what may happen naturally?
How do you date a cop? Is dating a cop different than dating your average Joe? 
I do have good reason to believe he likes me, I dont think I'm just a F**k to him.
I am not sure where to go next with things, where should things stand after 2 months? Should we not know by now if we are going to go exclusive or not?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You mentioned that you talk once a week but how often do you see each other? Does he do anything sweet for you? It sounds to me like this is a very causal relationship and it is not serious for him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Blanca said:


> You mentioned that you talk once a week but how often do you see each other? Does he do anything sweet for you? It sounds to me like this is a very causal relationship and it is not serious for him.


we see each other about once a week. I think you are right. I dont think it's that serious for him either. He has brought me dinner a few times but nothing sweet like flowers. I dont know if I should ask him what he wants from this or just let it go with the flow.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

The longer the career, the harder they are to read. The ability to shut themselves off emotionally helps them accomplish job related tasks many others could not. He probably is thinking about you, but will not allow himself to be vulnerable to just come out and tell you. If you directly asked him, his answer would be honest.

They prefer things black or white (no pun intended). No room for grey areas in their personal lives. When it comes to asking questions, you do not need to worry about coming on too strong. They tend to enjoy a good Q & A session. However, they also tend to prefer to be on the Q part of that A.

If things do eventually progress further in a relationship for the two of you, a quick and often referred read for the family is:

Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement
A Guide for Officers and Their Families
By Kevin M. Gilmartin, Ph.D.

There is a movie to be released into theaters this coming September called “Courageous”. It is based around men of law enforcement and their lives as fathers along with faith. I've already heard from others that it is a must see.


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## Meerkat Hat (Jun 1, 2011)

It sounds like it's probably a pretty casual thing for him. If you're ok with just casual hook ups, then this is fine (not that he's using you, he probably is just assuming that you are of the same mind and want the same kind of thing he does). 

If you're not OK with this, tell him that what you've had up until now is great, but that you would like something more out of a relationship. Just tell him this very honestly and say that if he would like that relationship, that would be great, but if he'd like to keep it casual, then you want to move on. 

Another thing to keep in mind is your own emotional state. Your divorce has been very recent. Are you sure you're ready for another relationship? You may need to take some time to heal and get your feet under you before you try romance again.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Meerkat Hat said:


> It sounds like it's probably a pretty casual thing for him. If you're ok with just casual hook ups, then this is fine (not that he's using you, he probably is just assuming that you are of the same mind and want the same kind of thing he does).
> 
> If you're not OK with this, tell him that what you've had up until now is great, but that you would like something more out of a relationship. Just tell him this very honestly and say that if he would like that relationship, that would be great, but if he'd like to keep it casual, then you want to move on.
> 
> Another thing to keep in mind is your own emotional state. Your divorce has been very recent. Are you sure you're ready for another relationship? You may need to take some time to heal and get your feet under you before you try romance again.


I do ask myself that same question but since this one came back into my life totally unexpected, I don't want to let him go either. I want this chance to see how things may work out for us. The relationship is still very much a casual thing but when we are together, I feel such a connection with him. Truthfully, I am ok with keeping things casual for now but I would like to know he sees us becoming more serious down the road. I suppose I could talk to him about it, I'm just not sure on how to bring it up.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> The longer the career, the harder they are to read. The ability to shut themselves off emotionally helps them accomplish job related tasks many others could not. He probably is thinking about you, but will not allow himself to be vulnerable to just come out and tell you. If you directly asked him, his answer would be honest.
> 
> They prefer things black or white (no pun intended). No room for grey areas in their personal lives. When it comes to asking questions, you do not need to worry about coming on too strong. They tend to enjoy a good Q & A session. However, they also tend to prefer to be on the Q part of that A.
> 
> ...


Thanks Toto. I know it takes a special kind of woman to be a cop's girlfriend. I know there is a lot to deal with. I may get to see him later tonight. Perhaps I may summon up all my courage and ask him where he sees this going. I wish there was someone on here who has been in a relationship with a cop before that could offer me some good insight. I do like him alot. I like him for him. He's a great guy. He's funny, good-looking, he makes me laugh, I enjoy his company.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You need to stop thinking so much. You just extricated yourself from a train wreck of a marriage. Your new friend knows this and who wants to start a new passionate deep relationship with anyone in your situation right now? Honestly even you don't know what you're feeling and you won't for months. He feels he is, and he IS, doing you a favor by keeping it very light right now. But what is to stop you from contacting him and keeping it light as well - like just chitchatting about nothing in particular. 

Unless you really want to jump into another clingy difficult relationship right away? Which you don't. So just stop thinking so hard and enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom and flexibility. If you want more, make it so you can have more. Now is not the time for some Come to Jesus meeting with your new friend. And let's be clear; he's been 'out there' for 2 years more than you. He has a better sense of what dating consists of, than you do. 

Otherwise you'll repeat the same damaged patterns you were locked into before.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You need to stop thinking so much. You just extricated yourself from a train wreck of a marriage. Your new friend knows this and who wants to start a new passionate deep relationship with anyone in your situation right now? Honestly even you don't know what you're feeling and you won't for months. He feels he is, and he IS, doing you a favor by keeping it very light right now. But what is to stop you from contacting him and keeping it light as well - like just chitchatting about nothing in particular.
> 
> Unless you really want to jump into another clingy difficult relationship right away? Which you don't. So just stop thinking so hard and enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom and flexibility. If you want more, make it so you can have more. Now is not the time for some Come to Jesus meeting with your new friend. And let's be clear; he's been 'out there' for 2 years more than you. He has a better sense of what dating consists of, than you do.
> 
> Otherwise you'll repeat the same damaged patterns you were locked into before.


Thanks Runs. I appreciate your advice.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I wish there was someone on here who has been in a relationship with a cop before that could offer me some good insight.


The career of law enforcement tends to attract individuals with certain behavior types. For the most part, the successful men in law enforcement are good guys. As with any profession, there those “bad apples” also.

Just pose the question, “So, what exactly are your expectations and what are you looking for in a relationship?” If he doesn’t answer right away, don’t worry. More than likely his first verbal response is going to be, “Ahhh ….. Let’s me see …What are my expectations? …. Ahhh …. I guess those would be …xyz “

You’ll have to let me know how that conversation goes. LOL!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> The career of law enforcement tends to attract individuals with certain behavior types. For the most part, the successful men in law enforcement are good guys. As with any profession, there those “bad apples” also.
> 
> Just pose the question, “So, what exactly are your expectations and what are you looking for in a relationship?” If he doesn’t answer right away, don’t worry. More than likely his first verbal response is going to be, “Ahhh ….. Let’s me see …What are my expectations? …. Ahhh …. I guess those would be …xyz “
> 
> You’ll have to let me know how that conversation goes. LOL!


Toto, have you been in a relationship with a cop? If so, can I email you privately?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Toto, have you been in a relationship with a cop? If so, can I email you privately?


I have not used the private message feature on TAM yet, but I'm certain it isn't that hard to figure out.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> I have not used the private message feature on TAM yet, but I'm certain it isn't that hard to figure out.


Ok, I am going to send you a PM with my email address


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I dated a few police officers years ago when I was single. I'm a sucker for a guy in uniform. I have nothing good to say about those men. There are alot of cops who are cheaters, so be careful.

Post in the Mens Clubhouse. I know there is a member (forget who) who is or was a cop.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

4sure said:


> I dated a few police officers years ago when I was single. I'm a sucker for a guy in uniform. I have nothing good to say about those men. There are alot of cops who are cheaters, so be careful.
> 
> Post in the Mens Clubhouse. I know there is a member (forget who) who is or was a cop.


Thanks but this no longer matters. He actually just dumped me tonight. Only said he did not feel any spark between us......


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