# Turned a corner last night



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Last night I went from my position of "I lost my passion for you" to "Don't touch me. I'm not interested in you".

Although I didn't verbally express these feelings, it has to come out eventually. It's been less than one week from our first MC session and I'm already convinced I'm 100% done.

We have another MC session scheduled in a little over a week. I'm not sure if I should tell her there so that the C can help her, or if I should tell her before or after and deal with it the best I can.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just rip that bandaid off.

What brought you to this conclusion?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That last time I said something, she tried to kill herself. That's why I'm thinking about doing it at MC.

I had little to no contact with her yesterday. Just early morning before I left for work, and a little when I got home. I was friendly to her, but I felt absolutely no passion for her. When she hugged me, it felt like I had a female friend getting too close for comfort hugging me and I wanted it to stop.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, sounds like you're done.

She tried to kill herself? Eesh. Drama.

So, wait until therapy, I guess.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if the overwhelming neediness is pushing you away then yeah get to it and make sure she has a support system in place


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Bless her heart.....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know that there is no way of telling her that is not going to hurt. But I will not leave her alone after I tell her. She continues to refuse a support method to help her. I can't be the only one caring for her at this time while I intend on leaving. The two are only somewhat compatible for a very short period of time. Eventually she's going to want me out of her sight so she can deal with her emotions. I need someone else there to ensure that she doesn't do something harmful to herself.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I believe you have known in the depths of your heart from the very beginning that you wanted a divorce. Your poor wife has been holding on to false hope that things would work out. Tell her you want a divorce and get out of her life. You staying around to console her just to make yourself feel better will do nothing but broaden and lengthen her misery.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

karole said:


> I believe you have known in the depths of your heart from the very beginning that you wanted a divorce. Your poor wife has been holding on to false hope that things would work out. Tell her you want a divorce and get out of her life. You staying around to console her just to make yourself feel better will do nothing but broaden and lengthen her misery.


:iagree:

I've been following your posts as well, Her Too...just go already. False hope is just as cruel as an affair.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thank you for your honest feedback.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

karole said:


> I believe you have known in the depths of your heart from the very beginning that you wanted a divorce. Your poor wife has been holding on to false hope that things would work out. Tell her you want a divorce and get out of her life. You staying around to console her just to make yourself feel better will do nothing but broaden and lengthen her misery.


:iagree::iagree:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I guess there is no way to deliver news like this and not feel like an a-hole in the process.

I know this though. She was a better wife, than I was a husband.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

HerToo:

We all make mistakes. It just hurts to know your whole story; and think that it could one day happen to any one of us...

Best of luck and I hope you'll be OK.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

From your other posts, I think it was her neediness that made you lose respect for her, and you gradually fell out of love. The suicide attempt crystalized the situation for you.

It is good that you are no longer sitting on the fence. Limbo is hell.

You sound like you are aware that she will need support. I hope that she will eventually find peace and learn to love herself.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, when are you telling her and starting the D? Or are you gonna string her along for a couple more months, a year before pulling the trigger.

I've known all along you've been doing your best to push her away hoping she would pull the trigger and I've been telling you the same in your posts.

Do it quick, do it fast and move on. As to still being around to help her heal, don't do it.

It won't help her heal, it'll only hurt her and make her regress. You have to cut it off completely so that she can truly heal. Does she have parents, siblings, friends that you can talk to about helping her out once you're gone?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I tried my best, and it sucked. I know I failed.

She refuses to tell anyone what is going on, and she refuses help from anyone.

I can't let her be this way. She already tried to kill herself several times last weekend. If I wasn't there, she would have done it.

I can't do it quick. She needs to have support to fall back on. I'm already breaking her heart. I don't want to be the cause of her death too.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're slowly killing her right now, she needs help. Get her parents involved, get her siblings involved, get friends to help her now.

You're doing her no good, or you might as well bury her right now with what you're doing.

Get her help and you need to leave ASAP. You're toxic to her. Call up her mom and dad and just tell them everything, I'm pretty sure the father will want to bury you somewhere in the desert where nobody will find you, but they need to come and help their daughter out.

If you truly care about her still and want to help her, CALL THEM NOW!

I'm so pissed right now and I feel so bad for your wife that I actually have tears in my eyes for the suffering that you're putting her through. Get off your damn ass and call her parents and get this over with right now.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Her Dad is dead. Her mom is almost 100% deaf, and not all there. She will not allow me to contact any family on her side or mine. I have reached out to her best friend. She is slow to respond, but I'm trying.

I know I have to leave. But I can't leave until I know she is safe from herself. 

I'm not exactly happy with myself right now either.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

HerToo said:


> She will not allow me to contact any family on her side or mine.


Like I have said if you truly care for her, call someone. There is the shame but at least they'll be around to help care for her until she gets back on her feet. Does she have a brother/sister who she is close too, call only that person to come and help her.

You need to be gone and she needs to start healing. The longer you drag this out, the worse she's gonna get. She now knows it's over but cannot accept it and with you being there it gives her the faintest flicker of hope that you might just change your mind. Which is cruel to her.

You've got the knife stuck in her heart and just keep on turning it ever so slowly by sticking around and dragging this out.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why are you asking her for permission to contact family/friends? Just do it. I don't think your main concern is your wife, it's YOU - how you are going to be perceived in the community, with your family and friends, etc. for having an affair and leaving your wife.

I've been married 25 years. I love my husband deeply, but there have been times in our marriage when I have felt more "passion" than others. There very well could have been times when I felt no passion; however, I never stopped loving him and would never consider leaving him because of it. I think it's normal in relationships to have ups and downs with communication, passion, - and with all the different feelings that come in a relationship. The true test of love comes in a couple's ability to weather each type of storm that inevitably comes. You had no intention of making your marriage work since your wife found out about your affair. Just go so she can heal and get on with her life.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I know that you want to make sure she is ok. I hope she can realize that you don't hate her, you just aren't in love with her anymore. There are couples that have had a healthy friendship even though they are divorced. My aunt and uncle are one of them-it is possible, but both parties have to understand that there is no fixing it.
Given her instability, I would tell her straight up at the counselor, maybe even give the counselor a heads up too, that your plans are to tell your wife at that session.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm not asking permission. It is her request, and I don't want to ignore her request. I reached out to her best friend and I'm waiting for a reply.

Thank you NoSoSureYet. I want to give her stability, and the ability to heal.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hertoo - I found out via another thread of your recent arrival over here - I hate to see you pick this direction but if it's the course you must pick so be it. 

Having said that - as cheatinghubby said - your indecision and lack of action are painful even for all of us here who have been following you - and we're just spectators. Imagine it for your wife. Call her family and get on with it. My father gave me excellent advice years ago when I getting ready to terminate an employee for the first time, he said, "if you have to cut someone's head off, best to do it with a sharp sword." Meaning, just do it. Don't waffle, don't try to console, deliver the bad news in as straight forward a manner as possible and then leave. You can't both leave her and be there for her - leaving is leaving. 

Good Luck to you both, I know it's been a struggle. At least now you can both begin to rebuild.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's done.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> It's done.


Deep breath. The sun will still rise tomorrow.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Everyone ok today Hertoo?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi HerToo just checking and and wondering how things are? Thinking of you both x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Worried about you man - check in...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

It's nice you wanted to honor her "request" to not get her family involved. Maybe she should have "requested" you not cheat on her. I feel so horribly sad for your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Darkness from HerToo is disturbing - he is normally on here a lot. We are all hopeful that your wife is handling it better than we are fearing. Please update us when you can. Good luck to you both.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She's having a tough time. I accept full responsibility for causing her pain and suffering. We are talking.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi HerToo
Thanks for checking in. Ive been where your wife is now and im still getting through it. She is heartbroken and so unsure about her future. She is probably full of anxiety and fear about what is ahead of her. i wish she would post here so we could help her. She just need to take it slow and not put any pressure on herself. I urge you to try and persuade her again to reach out to someone or attend IC. I would NEVER have got through this without the support of friends and IC.
Please continue to be patient with her but dont make her any promises you know you cant keep. Even though it might hurt her more you need to be honest with her and yourself.
Thinking of you both.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hang in there and both of you get the help you need. Thanks for checking in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I keep trying to get her to talk to someone. I think she may be, and is not telling me who it is, which is fine with me. Her anger stage is finally kicking in, as it should. 

I still go to IC.

One day at a time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I guess there is no way to deliver news like this and not feel like an a-hole in the process.
> 
> I know this though. She was a better wife, than I was a husband.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi Hertoo,

I am sad to read your posts. I hope and pray that your wife gets the strength to deal with the pain. Keep us posted. Take care.


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