# New Here: Suspicious, Jealous and Hurting Each Other In LDR



## thesecondfront (Dec 4, 2011)

I've snuck around here quite a bit reading other people's stories and comments before deciding to post something myself. This is a very supportive forum with lots of experience to share. Thank you in advance to anyone who comments.

I lived in Russia for several years and met, dated and married a beautiful Moscow woman. We lived together for a while, and everything was great. We made the decision to move to my home in Canada, but I had to come here to sponsor her visa and she had to stay behind (visa laws). That was 9 months ago.

We continued long-distance fairly successfully until she met a guy at work who plays in a metal band, and she started going to their concerts. Now he has a wife who is also in the band. Don't know if that does anything. Her and this guy have become really good friends and IM all the time and go for lunch together every day. She says she wants me to meet him

I became suspicious. I was never jealous or controlling with her in the past, but I couldn't control it. I asked lots of questions whenever she went out with this crew. She's started hanging out with other guys in the band as well, including one who suddenly has lots of pictures in her facebook photo albums.

We met up in Ukraine in the summer for a week and it was great. 

Things are getting out of hand since then. This same guy started posting songs on her fb wall. There's a picture of them dancing at a club. She started picking fights with me for no reason, and other times she was really loving. She also started standing me up on pre-arranged skype dates. I confronted her and she accuses me of being jealous and controlling. I actually have no concrete evidence except for some alarms in my head, and really most of this stuff seems fairly innocent.

She has sent me the odd sexy photo of her in this time, and most of our conversations are loving.

This week she got her visa. I'm heading there in 2 weeks (tickets bought long before) and our separation is finally over. I booked return flights for us, together, in January. She was so happy!

Then on Friday she skipped another arranged online meetup. It was evening there and she finally came on around 11:30 pm Moscow time. She was dolled up and drunk, and very nervous. I was p**sed at having to wait and already my jealousy and paranoia is working in overtime. She told me she went out drinking wine after work, and I asked "With who?" and for the first time I actually saw her lie (probably because she was drunk and slipped up). It was all over her face. She said, after repeating the question and a pause, "Alone". 

For the next 24 hours I didn't talk to her, I was so angry and hurt. She panicked and sent me text messages that were loving and cute, and I felt bad that I was hurting her. She changed her fb to a wedding photo and wrote "I miss my love". Then finally tonight we met up on skype.

She was angry this time. Told me I'm too jealous and don't trust her. Told me that she prefers having male friends. Told me that I never listen to her. Got angry about the date I booked for the tickets back to Canada. Told me I was insensitive and didn't care about her.

These were all things she NEVER would have accused me of 9 months ago! I'm not any of those things! In fact, she was making me out to be some kind of monster! She is very emotional and I did make her angry, but I can't get over this.

I apologized for jealousy and treating her rudely, and said I want to have a marriage and lets fix it, but she kept telling me all the things I do wrong. I asked, not trying to pry but trying to change the conversation, what her plans were today and she said "I'm going out." That was all. Then she said "I have to go now. I'm late." and hung up.

I'm devastated and don't know if I'm to blame or if I do have reasons to be suspicious. I don't know what's going on. I don't even know if she wants this marriage anymore. She was such a loving, generous and kind person for the nearly 3 years I've known her and lived with her. I feel like my marriage is ending 2 weeks away from the finish line, and that somehow I messed it up. At the same time, I remain highly suspicious. Any input?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I remember your post from Loveshack. I am predicting a breakup when you go visit her. You don't trust her and she looks flaky enough to be suspicious. More than suspicious on fact. Next time don't rush into a marriage and get burnt..

Edit: Have you ever considered that your sexual morals might be incompatible?


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## thesecondfront (Dec 4, 2011)

Thanks warlock. It's kind of funny that you remember my post from Loveshack.

The thing with her is that she didn't use to be flaky, and our sexual morals were always in synch. We talked about this stuff constantly. She doesn't have a history of cheating or anything like that, and she certainly didn't have a bunch of male wannabe rock stars. It's like this is a completely different person I'm dealing with now.

I guess that's ultimately what set off my alarm bells and won't let them quiet down. I know these are the signs, but I guess nobody wants to accept them. That's why we have these forums, I suppose.

Thanks for commenting.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I can't find it but wasn't there a mention when she said that you cannot not have sex for that long and should have it? That is usually a very very big red flag.

You should mention the sauna thing in the post too. Did you ask her about it?


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## thesecondfront (Dec 4, 2011)

Oh yes, the sex and the sauna. 

She told me 6 months ago that I should have sex with a woman because it's unhealthy for a man to go so long without. I dismissed this suggestion.

The sauna is a non-issue. None of the "suspects" were involved and it was a friend's birthday (another woman who I've met and know). I had over-reacted on that one but never brought it up to her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You don't have contacts/confidants in her friend's circle, do you?


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## thesecondfront (Dec 4, 2011)

Unfortunately none that aren't her family. I met her through her brother-in-law, who was one of my students. Now he and her sister are my closest friends in her circle.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It seems with you posting your story on Loveshack, and lurking for months here, that what you are really looking for is validation for your decision, which is to kick her to the curb.

If you've lurked here long enough, then you know that your WW is in a full on EA with this guy, which has possibly already gone PA. The signs are clearly there.

You should already know that that WSs in an affair will almost always play the "jealous" and "controlling" card in order to get the BS to back down. Sorry, it's not being jealous or controlling to want your wife to be faithful to you. Look, if she can do this to you BEFORE getting married, imagine what's going to happen AFTER you get married and one day have children and property. She is not the faithful type. She's obviously not feeling guilty about the affair and wants to continue it as long as possible, hence she played the jealous & controlling card on you. Her actions are definitely not the actions of a woman that is deeply in love with you/faithful to you, and wants to marry you. You KNOW what her actions are at the moment, that of an unrepentant, and unremorseful cheater.

As badly as you feel right now, you're more fortunate that many others. You've seen a glimps of your future IF you marry her. This guy will always be on her mind, even years from now. We've seen it here all the time. She's cheating on you before you've even gotten married. You're just her meal ticket to Canada. 

You know what you should do already, so drop her now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

thesecondfront said:


> She told me 6 months ago that I should have sex with a woman because it's unhealthy for a man to go so long without. I dismissed this suggestion.


My exwife told me that too, when she was going to school and living with her parents in another city, while I was stationed in another.

Little did I know that she was cheating and this suggestion of hers was merely to relieve the guilt of her cheating.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

If this many red flags go up during such early a stage of relationship, you have every reason to call this off. I mean it seriously. 

However, if you want to still try something, I suggest that you tell her that you expect her to take polygraph once she arrives at Canada to prove she has been faithful during her time alone in Russia. If she has already slept with OM, she would show some interesting responses. If she has not, then this will put a huge damper in her relationship with OM and hopefully she may end it or at least decide to let it not get any further.

The thing is, once she moves to Canada, there is nil chance of her continuing her affair with OM as he will be still in Russia. The real issue is, is this who you really want to marry? I don't want to stereotype people in Russia, but you must know that they have a different standard of moral than us here. I may get 2x4 for saying this, but the people over there are quite promiscuous these days. With this kind of poor track record to begin with, the future with her seems quite grim to say the least. 

The decision is yours.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know in your gut what's going on. 

I think you just keep hoping to find the magic pill that will fix things and turn back the clock to when she was faithful.

Sorry, but she's an adult woman who has chosen to cheat on you. 

The moment she called you controlling is when you should have told her to choose you or him. Because it went back to then.

Now she's clearly in a physical and emotional affair with him, she's putting effort into getting dolled up, hanging out etc with him.

She's putting aside calling you - so she can be with him.

Yet, you're still going to waste money and time trying to bring a woman who has lost love and respect for you over to Canada? 

Save the air ticket, cancel her visa, and file for divorce.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

So, are you married to her? Or, did you sponsor her on a family/fiancee immigration application? 

If I understand Canadian immigration rules, you are responsible for her financially for 10 years. Which means she could land, fu(k around, incur massive debts (both government and private) and you have to pay. If you dont, both the federal and provincial governments would or can go after you for all the costs she incurred in the next 10 years. That along with their and your legal bills could put some serious dent in your wallet. 

Or, you could be rich and dont care. If so, aren't there other better eastern European women out there for you?

You should ask yourself why you need such mess in your life.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

A quick google search:


From Canada Family Visas - Canadian immigration, Visa for Canada | Global Visas Canada


> Canadian Family Visas – Sponsorship Requirements
> 
> Canadian family class immigration places responsibilities on the sponsor who must firstly be related to the applicant in a qualifying category and secondly, must be able to commit to sponsoring the applicant once in Canada. All sponsors must be over the age of 18 and must sign a sponsorship agreement whereby they commit to taking financial responsibility for their relative for between 3 and 10 years.


There are other sites and you can also call Immigration to confirm.


So, because you signed that sponsorship and she lands, if she has a credit card, the credit card company can go after you for her default. And why would she care? She knows she has an open money supplier who cant stop her spending your money.

It also means if she goes on welfare or unemployment insurance, the government will go after you to pay them back for the payments. It may not happen right away, but they can go after you 10 or 20 years later -- there's no time limit for the sponsorship you signed.

You know there is sh!t ahead due to the type of person she is.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In a way you're lucky you found out about this before you emigrated her to Canada. My suggestion is to leave her in Russia, go back to Canada, and file for divorce in absentia citing marital fraud on her part to obtain a visa. Otherwise you are looking at spending a great chunk of your life with a woman who has no compulsion to be faithful to you. Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

be prepared for her to try to get all carrying and lovey on you if you tell her you might not bring her to Canada or want to wait.

She's got a lot to loose, so she might try to play nice to get it.

But, she's clearly got a taste for cheating etc. now. she's a practiced liar and cheat, so don't expect her to change and turn back to the girl she was before cheating.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Merchandise is broken, mark her return to sender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sounds to me like your desperately living in false hope . Why waffle , her behaviour is unacceptable as is you apologising to her. Cancel the flights , go back to immigration and let them know there is no more marriage . Your going to cause yourself a mountain of pain by not taking firm action. When you do all this ignore her calls , she is no longer your problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Merchandise is broken, mark her return to sender.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Listen to this advice .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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