# At a Crossroad, Help me out fellas!



## NewMan (Jun 6, 2011)

I feel Im at a crossroad.

Im about to let go of her.

Her Ex is still visiting at her apt. She said he is just a friend and isnt interested in him at all.

She still wants to do things with me including having a anniversary dinner and a trip to GA next weekend (already have tickets)

Im not sure if they have been physical thru all of this, and she talks about how annoying he is. The dude is a loser and I trump him at every turn.

He is leaving this weekend

I still want my family together, but I feel as if she didnt care about how I felt regarding bringing her Ex, who has caused many problems in our marriage. I am about to let go

She is a great woman besides this HUGE problem and a great mom

Am I being blind? Can I allow her back? Im Stuck right now. But like many of you said once I let go I cant go back. help me out


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Newman,

No one said once you let go you can't go back. What is said is that once you let go, be prepared that you just might not go back. It's not a bluff. So, if it doesn't work out, be prepared for that.

Oh....and another thing....wait for it.....wait for it......SMACK! That was me smacking your head, Just to get you in a proper frame of mind.

Your wife is cake eating righ now. She wants to do all these things with you....BUT still have her ex come over and spend the weekend. Tell me...when would this EVER be acceptable for you?
What is happening now is that you are rewarding her for her bad behavior. You buy her vacations, spend time with her....and do things for her...AND she gets to still have a little sumpin sumpin on the side with bsolutely no consequences. 

You have to be absolutely ready for the next step. It can only work when you are ready in mind and spirit. Cancel the trip....or take a friend. Don't take your wife. Stop doing things with her that have absolutely nothing to do with deciding kids schedules, kids school activities, kids sporting events, etc.

Get rid of your fear of losing her. You are doing all these things out of fear. Start manning up. Stop being a doormat. Work on yourself. Focus on you. Focu on your kids. Your wife continuously demonstrates to you very strongly that you are her second choice. She's either in or out of working on your marriage. Not partly in, only when it's convenient for her when her ex isn't in town.

Btw. If she wasn't interested in him, why does she let him visit? Do you think she would have been cool with you having your ex over all the time? Not likely. 

Show her your boundaries already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You could tell her that you know you've got this GA weekend planned but aren't into going if she is still she's still seeing and entertaining her ex. See what she says and then plan your next step. 

Boundaries!



alphaomega said:


> Oh....and another thing....wait for it.....wait for it......SMACK! That was me smacking your head, Just to get you in a proper frame of mind.


Made me laugh!



alphaomega said:


> *you are rewarding her for her bad behavior.* .






alphaomega said:


> *Get rid of your fear of losing her*.


Yep. This is the key. As long as you fear losing her, you don't have a leg to stand on.


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## NewMan (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah i needed that. i wont do this anymore


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NewMan said:


> yeah i needed that. i wont do this anymore


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read the links.

You'll wonder why you ever considered many things to be "ok".


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Newman,

You need to be strong and show your boundaries, and not let them be compromised, because that is what your wife needs right now. All this will sound counterintuitive at the most severe levels, and is one of the hardest concepts for nice guys to grasp. But, in reality, once you define and enforce your boundaries, you make your wife respect you. Once there is respect, there is attraction. And once there is attraction there is hope for your reconciliation. Otherwise, you will constantly be made the doormat. Call it tough love if you will.

After working on yourself, and getting stronger...showing more alpha male traits blended nicely with loving beta male traits, will you understand this concept. Then, your wife may or may not come to realize what she is throwing away. There are no guarantees, other than you will feel like the most awesome , most well balanced person in the world full of great levels of confidence. 

Take Conrad's advise. Read the threads. It's all good stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewMan (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah The funny part is I have read them all and read the books. Its still kind of back and forth. Some days Im strong then some days Im weak. Still a work in progress. I have been way better these past few weeks just slipped a little today


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NewMan said:


> Yeah The funny part is I have read them all and read the books. Its still kind of back and forth. Some days Im strong then some days Im weak. Still a work in progress. I have been way better these past few weeks just slipped a little today


Have you been to therapy?

Individual therapy.


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## NewMan (Jun 6, 2011)

No not yet, I want too


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NewMan said:


> No not yet, I want too


I strongly recommend a therapist certified in "Internal Family Systems" theory.

Richard Schwartz is the innovator who taught us to think of ourselves as a sum of our personality "parts"

This theory capitalizes on that.

And, it works.


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