# How do I stop thinking about the girl who cheated with my husband



## Mad as hell (Aug 23, 2012)

It was just six months after our marriage and my husband cheated on me with a girl 10 years younger than him. I confronted him after seeing them together in photos and he denied it, I phoned the girl and she said nothing happened. but pictures, phone calls, messages say something else.

I forgave my H and now it is a year since this happen, but I cant seem to let go of the girl, I keep thinking about her and I will send him messeges as if it cums from my huby and she will recognize its me and starting to calling me in names dat will hurt me.

How do I get over this. any advice will help.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

You need to stop letting her have control over you. Given what I've read on this and other sites, you are misdirecting your anger in order to protect the love you have for your husband. The AP was/is also very wrong in what she did but had it not been for your husband's decision to cheat with that AP, the affair would not have happened.

You have not truly forgiven or let go (that's okay) but you can get there. You do owe it to yourself to forgive her. Not because she deserves it but because you don't deserve to walk through your life with her having control over you anymore. 

I hate to say it but with each thought, each sent text etc. you are letting her win. Do you think she really cares about the emotional pain/suffering, anger and hurt this has caused you? She doesn't and she never will. She doesn't care! Each time you give in and contact her, you are saying, "You still have power over my life." "You still have the upper-hand." "You are winning." It's not revenge, it's making you weaker, it's dysfunctional to you and it only hurts you each time.

My advice is to cease and desist immediately. Take your power back and don't let her/this define you as a person. Perhaps, coming up with a mantra or phrase you can say to yourself or visualizations/self-guided imagery will help.

Find a phrase that works for you/means something to you and makes you feel stronger, more optimistic, valuable, confident etc. Make this your personal mantra. When thoughts creep into your head/temptations to contract to her arise, stop yourself and say the phrase (whether out loud or in your head). Then go and do something that makes your life or the lives of others better in some way - no matter how small.

For imagery, each time you think of her/tempt yourself to contact her, stop yourself and imagine her getting smaller. Each time she pops into your head, she gets smaller, uglier, more diminutive and you picture yourself taller, brighter, beautiful and strong. Eventually, be the one who's towering over her like the Statue of Liberty and goddess that you are and her - the size of an inconsequential, squandering ****roach. Then go off and live your life.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

About forgiveness.

I'm sure there are many posts about forgiveness on this site and there are many definitions. One of my favorite ways to think about forgiveness when trying to let go of heinous hurts caused to me by people I can't otherwise stand, is that forgiveness is letting go of the hope that things could have been any different. 

You are not in any way justifying what happened or the person that hurt you - just letting go of the hope/idea that what happened wouldn't have happened and accepting what actually occurred for what it was.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Mad as hell said:


> It was just six months after our marriage and my husband cheated on me with a girl 10 years younger than him. I confronted him after seeing them together in photos and he denied it, I phoned the girl and she said nothing happened. but pictures, phone calls, messages say something else.
> 
> I forgave my H and now it is a year since this happen, but I cant seem to let go of the girl, I keep thinking about her and I will send him messeges as if it cums from my huby and she will recognize its me and starting to calling me in names dat will hurt me.
> 
> How do I get over this. any advice will help.


Did you attend marriage counseling? How are you certain they aren't in contact any more?

It can be very tempting after an affair to go on as before. But an affair is a symptom of something. It might be a symptom of things that need to change in your marriage. Or, it might only be a symptom of things inside your husband that are broken and damaged, and that you alone cannot fix. Or both. Either way, it is easier to 'rug-sweep' than to work on these problems once you think the danger is passed.

Your gut is telling you the danger hasn't passed. This doesn't mean they are in contact--it could mean that, or perhaps not.

How did the affair start? How did they meet? Do they work together?


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Sometimes I just want to answer these things with "kill her"

But that would only put you in jail and you'd have the guilt of that.

Try to erase every single bit of evidence of her. Use the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" to the fullest. If you need to keep tabs on someone, let it be him. He was, after all, half of the affair.


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## Mad as hell (Aug 23, 2012)

Thanks guys, I will delete the evidence and see how it goes. @ hotdogs, exactly the feeling i have of wishing her dead or some bad things happen to her.


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## Mad as hell (Aug 23, 2012)

I didn't realise i was giving her powers now i see and she enjoys every moment of it to hurt me and seeing that m not coping makes her much happier. I will control myself over her.


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