# My wife filed... but still loves me



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

Hello all.

I'm new to this site and your posts have been very helpful today. I thought I'd share my story if only to get the feelings out. My heart aches.

On Sep 29, my wife and I had scheduled Date night. It was going to be fun except I was "grumpy". I knew that if we made it out everything would be fine. The night ended before it started when after dropping of our son, she asked me to take her back to her moms (who was watching our son).

Over the next couple days I left her alone so I wouldn't upset her. I get a text Oct 2 stating she talked to a lawyer.

She has been dealing with A LOT recently. Unfulfilled at her job, angry at home, and her Grandmother was dying. My wife is a runner. She has abandonment issues and I've had to chase her in the past. I'm not perfect, I have done many things to cause her to leave. 

She came home on Oct 4. She was upset and drunk and crying. Her grandmother passed away and she just wanted me to hold her. She was crying saying she was sorry, she doesn't want this. She wants to come home. She was crying that she already paid the lawyer and she can't take it back. The next day, she left for work and hasn't been home since.

She tells me she loves me. She will always love me, but she needs to do this. I need to make changes. Get my anger under control. I got in a road rage incident 3 months back and promised I would get help. 

She's working herself up and walling off herself more. The last few days she's seen a positive change. And the fact that I'm doing crazy, off the wall, random acts of kindness for her. She told me thank you for being so nice even though it makes it harder for her.

It seems at times she wants this, but others she doesn't. In fact I know she wants to come home, but is afraid of falling into the same trap. She's afraid to hope even though our love is as strong as ever. 

She stopped by this past sunday to pick up some clothes and told me that she has to keep moving or she gets so sad. She then curled up on the couch for a couple minutes and started crying. She said she misses our home, our family, Me and Bray (her stepson). She even said, it's just soo hard when you're the tombaby i love.

She has filed for Divorce and got a new apartment. She is on the verge of accepting a different job, and I'm afraid I've lost her forever.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

I forgot to mention that I'm in counseling and she's very proud of me. She's confused too. She's sad and hurting. She actually said it feels like her best friend died.

She still wants to do stuff together with the kids and doesn't mind me showing up. It's weird especially since she told me that the divorce IS going to happen.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Give defiant people what they want.

The more you show her you care, the more she will take the opportunity to hurt you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 Time.

Click on that f*cked up looking link down below on my signature line.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

I really want to try the 180 but I'm scared. She has a history of walling people off and cutting them out of her life. She has left in the past, but chasing has always worked. It showed her that I do care and love her when she felt like I didn't. 

Now, it feels different. The last week, my overtures were well received, but haven't changed anything. You're right 180 might be the way to go. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me and hope she'll notice.

Also, she should be moving into her appt this Friday. I have our son this weekend. It may force her to see what being alone in that new place is really like. Baby steps right?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tombaby said:


> I really want to try the 180 but I'm scared. She has a history of walling people off and cutting them out of her life. She has left in the past, but chasing has always worked. It showed her that I do care and love her when she felt like I didn't.
> 
> Now, it feels different. The last week, my overtures were well received, but haven't changed anything. You're right 180 might be the way to go. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me and hope she'll notice.
> 
> Also, she should be moving into her appt this Friday. I have our son this weekend. It may force her to see what being alone in that new place is really like. Baby steps right?


Yes fix yourself but show her that you have the confidence to move on without her if need be, do the WHOLE 180.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I really want to try the 180 but I'm scared. She has a history of walling people off and cutting them out of her life. She has left in the past, but chasing has always worked. It showed her that I do care and love her when she felt like I didn't.
> 
> Now, it feels different. The last week, my overtures were well received, but haven't changed anything. You're right 180 might be the way to go. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me and hope she'll notice.
> 
> Also, she should be moving into her appt this Friday. I have our son this weekend. It may force her to see what being alone in that new place is really like. Baby steps right?


My wife is a runner. I changed a ton, and my wife admitted to me how shocked and blown away she was in my changes. Still doesn't change the fact that SHE is unwilling to change. Let her go. Hopefully the big b*tch named regret doesn't smack her too hard.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

I appreciate the advice. I'll probably be posting here because I'm going out of my mind. I'm sure you've all felt that before. Rather than burden my family over and over again. Or even worse, HER family, I'll post here when I need to vent.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tombaby said:


> I really want to try the 180 but I'm scared. She has a history of walling people off and cutting them out of her life. She has left in the past, but chasing has always worked. It showed her that I do care and love her when she felt like I didn't.
> 
> Now, it feels different. The last week, my overtures were well received, but haven't changed anything. You're right 180 might be the way to go. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me and hope she'll notice.
> 
> Also, she should be moving into her appt this Friday. I have our son this weekend. It may force her to see what being alone in that new place is really like. Baby steps right?


Just fix you and quit focusing on her.

It's a fool's errand.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tombaby said:


> I really want to try the 180 but I'm scared. She has a history of walling people off and cutting them out of her life. She has left in the past, but chasing has always worked. It showed her that I do care and love her when she felt like I didn't.
> 
> Now, it feels different. The last week, my overtures were well received, but haven't changed anything. You're right 180 might be the way to go. Fix me. Fix me. *Fix me and hope she'll notice.*
> Also, she should be moving into her appt this Friday. I have our son this weekend. It may force her to see what being alone in that new place is really like. Baby steps right?


No.

Fix you for YOU. Not her. The 180 is there to help you become emotionally *un*dependent on her. Right now you are 100% emotionally dependant on her and that is what is driving her away. 

Detach.... and she'll sit up and notice. 

And as for the new appt, I guarantee you she will be having "guests" over before the new paint dries.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

Bandit,

I appreciate what you are saying, but the "guests" comment was kind of unnecessary. I know you just want to be honest and share your experiences, but trust me I already worry enought about those future guests.

She's left before due to fighting and school and I never, ever had to worry about that. Not with her. In my first marriage maybe, but not this one. Not to say it's not going to happen, but she's given me no reason to believe there is someone else.

This time with divorce papers pending it's entirely possible, but I don't want to think about that just yet.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

T-Baby,

What was her childhood like?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Alright, I retract that statement.

But stay frosty...you can never tell.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

Conrad,

Her dad was taken to Prison on her 5th birthday. Her step dad did some things to her. Her mother was dirt poor and they always lived in assisted housing. 

She managed to crawl out of all that and graduate from a good college. She has abandonment and trust issues, but has always let me in. However, sometimes she thinks I'm like her dad. She sees flashes of him in me when I get angry. I'll break things from time to time. Our fights died down, but I shifted the hurt/anger into other aspects of my life.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You can't fix her. And you are letting her daddy issues destroy you. 

Work on you. That's what the 180 is for.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Only she can fix her.

People that have childhoods like she experienced end up taking out their massive anger on their partner.

That would be you.

The more you chase, the more she'll push in the opposite direction


----------



## Bottle (Sep 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Just fix you and quit focusing on her.
> 
> It's a fool's errand.


I have been finding this out the hard way. My stbxw is a runner too. 3 kids with 3 different fathers etc. 

I've spent the last 4 months chasing her and it's made it worse, not better. She also cuts people off and just gets new partners, friends, jobs, cars etc.

Conrads advice is solid gold, go with it and don't make the same mistakes I have.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tom, if she wants out, let her go. Holding onto someone, clinging, really, will just make them run away faster. 

You mentioned you did a lot to drive her away--you need to focus on what those things were in counselling so that you do not repeat it in a new relationship. Own your part. 

If your wife is receptive to reconciling, tell her you are committed, but otherwise, if she's not, do not try to hold her against her will. 

Get the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson at your library/bookstore. It explains this really well.

NEVER chase after a dog that is running away from you.

If she wants out, open up the door and wish he well. 

Work on YOU.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

I know guys. And your advice is heard. Sometimes we need to hear it even if we don't want to. I just get so frustrated bc she still loves me. I know her. Her own mother told me she doesn't think she wants this, but I have to let her go. She keeps saying maybe one day things will be different. I just want to tell her that if she's thinking one day we'll end up together, what's wrong w NOW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tombaby said:


> I know guys. And your advice is heard. Sometimes we need to hear it even if we don't want to. I just get so frustrated bc she still loves me. I know her. Her own mother told me she doesn't think she wants this, but I have to let her go. She keeps saying maybe one day things will be different. *I just want to tell her that if she's thinking one day we'll end up together, what's wrong w NOW*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. You dont tell her anything. Start working the 180 and live your life. Move forward, stay in forward motion, don't stall to wait for her.

She's messed up brother. You can't fix her, and you can't let her drag you down into her hell. 

She wants you to wait for her. She wants you to carry a torch while she goes out and finds herself, because in her puppydogs and rainbows mindset she thinks you are going to wait for her forever. 

Don't. Break away emotionally....detach.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tombaby said:


> but she's given me no reason to believe there is someone else.


So filing for divorce, and leaving the security of already having a man and the stability in having a kid has nothing to do with any out side influence that the grass is greener with someone else?

You fight and fight for this marriage not knowing if your really competing with your replacement?

Your blind trust deffinitly shows your unconditional love. I would at least investigate the possiblity that all of this is coming from an out side influence and rule it out if I an wrong.


----------



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

To the guy,

I see your point. Right now, I have no idea what she's capable of. I didnt' see this coming either.

But I swear to you man, she went to work and came home. Nothing else. She rarely went out. She was unhappy about everything except our sex life. Her job, her home, her grandmother's passing.

Maybe she did meet someone randomly, but I'm not seeing it. To be sure, I've checked the texts and phone logs, but nothing crazy stands out. I truly think it was the day to day grind of marriage, she felt trapped and suffocated. That coupled with our blow up arguments every 6 months or so.

Maybe I just want to believe it.


----------

