# Wife wants a divorce after nightout with female colleagues



## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Hello,

I have been married for 3 years to my wife. My wife is a housewife & is very beautiful , loving ,caring , compassionate, romantic but gets very emotional over small petty issues. I have a 9am to 8am (at times I work till 9pm or 10pm) job 5 days a week (sometimes I go in on weekends) which is very very stressful , I cant change or move on as the job market in the city I work is quite bad. For the first 2 years in marriage I had compromised on any demand she wanted (ie: don't meet friends as they are a waste of time, don't go out with colleagues as its useless, spend more time with me , take me here & there). I had been bending down to her demands as I thought its the right thing to do as a husband. After the first 2 years I got tired of her me expecting to always compromise. Everytime I want to go out with friends or invite friends\colleagues at home hell breaks loose. I spend the 2 days weekend only with her & just 2 hours with my family. I try my maximum best spend really quality time with her as any wife would expect (out for movies, walk in the beach \ parks, lunch/dinners out) but it never seems to be enough with her. I had moved out to another city to escape traffic & spend more time with her. Anyways moving down 2 years I wanted some time to myself & enjoy life ( BTW I got married when I was 25 & was a very shy & reserved person back then . My wife is 3 years older than me) . I wanted to go out and mingle with people , do something different with other couples or friends but my wife finds all this useless & is firm on her decision that life revolves around a husband & wife only. I had still put up to her demands as whenever I be honest with her she gets emotionally broken down . I realized this after a couple of months in our marriage so I always sugar coat my words with her (I didn't date my wife & we only had a long distance relationship trough phone calls & skype)

Coming to the point of cheating I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages . After the incident & a heated argument she is demanding for a divorce. I just went out for a good time & funny business was involved as I am good friends with my colleagues. With my wife I cannot be the real person I am , I have to always sugar coat my words so that she doesn't go emo & break down. If I don't sms her from work that I love her & miss you (as I mentioned earlier my job is very stressful & demanding) she says that I don't love her anymore..After a stressful day at work she expects to make love to her every night (she has a huge sexual appetite) . Couple of time I had erectile dysfunctions due to stress ; even though I told her its stress she wouldn't accept the fact & she breakdown's & says I dont love her any more.... She wont comprehend the fact that its work stress. We have huge fights over this whole night till dawn & she knows the fact the next day I have office. If I am quite she will say why dont you talk, If I talk she will say calm down, If I go out to have a smoke she wont allow me to go out , if she wants to go out she expects me to allow her. I have put up to all her demands but she wants more & more (I am referring to quality time with her, not materialistic demand) . Its like I am puppet..

My wife is willing to let go about what happened , not to proceed with the divorce & continue on our relationship. But I am confused as I cannot go on & bending down to her demands & be secluded from the whole world just to be with her. After all the drama she accepted the fact that she was wrong on not allowing me to invite friends at home or go out with them . She is saying all this now but I know how she is. She will go all emo in the future & hell will break loose.

At the moment she is at her parents place & I am staying alone. We do talk on occasions over the phone & have a pleasant conversation. I am enjoying the time without her but in the back of my mind I keep thinking of her. She says she is missing me & I too am missing her. I love her but when she expects me not to socialize & only go according to her wishes it pricks me , it feels like I am chained to the wall. She is over possessive about me & this is another fact I hate. I had discussed my view to her but she is like she has the right over me as she is my wife. On a side note I come from a background where my dad is the authoritative figure in the family , on her side its her mom who is authoritative figure. I think this has to do something with her views on life & her right over me. 

I had spoken to my family about this & they will support me through the divorce if I want to go ahead. Thankfully (blessing or not) we don't have children . Her family is also demanding a divorce in the light of the incident on which I had gone out with female colleagues . Note that she & her family is a very conservative whereas me & my family are very liberal. She comes from a background where women mingling with men isnt allowed , where as I come from a background where my family used to throw huge parties & where socializing is normal. Btw I am from Pakistan. Please excuse me for my English as its not my first language.

I need a third party view on the situation as I believe it will give me a non biased view on the situation. Thank you & God bless.

Just wanted to add that when any fight comes up she says I want a divorce. I admit that I am a bit thick skinned & hot headed but its due to the situation . Before marriage I never experienced any situation in which I got hot headed.At times she forced me for a divorce..Usually after a couple of days she is bright & chirpy as if nothing happened...I had watched the movie Revolutionary Road & it relates to my life (other then the sex with the colleague) :scratchhead:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Mismatched personalities.
Mismatched views on marriage.
Mismatched views on gender roles.
Mismatched lifestyles.
Mismatched backgrounds.
Mismatched communication styles.
Mismatched temperaments.
Mismatched families.
Mismatched morals.
No children.

And you seriously are asking IF you should divorce?

You married the wrong woman. Move on and learn from your mistake. Try and actually get to know your next love and marry somebody who you are comfortable showing the "real you" and loves, cherishes, and respects that person.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Hiding things is never good for marriage, this includes your feelings. You shouldn't have to sugar coat things (as you put it) or walk on eggshells. She shouldn't have to 'hack' into Facebook to find out what you are up to. If you want an open and honest relationship then you should conduct yourself in an open and honest way.

That said... You two aren't on the same page about some very fundamental things. How did you manage to get married when you are so incompatible?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages"

How sad she had to find out this way, are you always secretive? I would have been upset too so I will side with her on this one. It can be very damaging to your marriage to be doing things be hide her back, its not what you did but the lying (being secretive) that causes damage. 

I think your behavior can contribute to hers and vice versa, you don't tell her things, she gets suspisus then gets upset and demanding, so you do the same things over and over.

Are you missing the single life, or has her way of living kept you like a bird in a cage and now you need space? is something else going on? are all your friends single? How old are you both?


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Many thanks jaquen for the input. But do you think going out with female colleagues for drinks is wrong? is is considered cheating? I hadnt informed her about it till she found out because I know she will go emo & ask for a divorce.. Is it a fault on my part? I tried in the start to take her out with my friends & colleagues.. in only one occasion she came out & after that she is like my friends are weird & if in the future an occasion come up like job loss my friends wont support me. I am unemployed at the moment & my friends who she always said wont support me are supporting me in this tough time..one of my friend who she called wierd & unfriendly is financially supporting me ....She used to blame that my mom is not happy with her & at this moment my mom is the one who is saying think twice before divorcing her as she is a girl...It seems she has a magic bowl in front of her which depicts a false future.. 

At this moment she talks to me on the phone as if nothing happened & there is no divorce talks going on...at the moment the situation is very complicated as family is involved. She used to complain to her brother that I dont give her ample time , and her brother used to call my dad saying please advice your son. When my dad calls me up & asks whats going on we are usually at the movies or in the park or out shopping... My dad hadnt mentioned about the calls to me & it came to my light after the divorce talks. She claims that she never complained to her brother....then how did my dad get the calls? It has boiled down to a siatuation where I hear two stories from her & her family side & from my family side(parents & sister) . I know my family very well as I have been with them & they taught me morals & family value. I can never imagine my dad or sister cooking up a story or lying as I know them in & out....

I am sorry to pour all my feelings down on this forum .......

didnt want the divorce to happen...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Divorce

you two are not right for each other and why would you want to be married to someone who seems to be unstable? A person who you say you can't be yourself around?

Sounds horrible


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It doesn't sound like any divorce is happening so don't assume it is unless you get served some papers.

Too many people are in your marital business. Way too many.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

led_zepp said:


> Many thanks jaquen for the input. But do you think going out with female colleagues for drinks is wrong? is is considered cheating?


There is no right or wrong for this question. It totally depends on the marriage.

I don't believe going out with female colleagues for a couple of drinks is wrong. But I married a woman who doesn't see this as wrong, so it's a non-issue in our marriage. Neither one of us would ever consider this cheating.

Others have different boundaries. What matters is that the husband and wife agree. These type of things need to be discussed and agreed upon BEFORE you wed.

You and your wife do not.




led_zepp said:


> I am sorry to pour all my feelings down on this forum .......
> 
> didnt want the divorce to happen...


Don't ever apologize for expressing your feelings.

Why do you want to stay married to this woman?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Op,

Divorce and learn from this. I also recommend you do some counseling. Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Next time take it slow and get to know this person.

Also please don't have sex with her and knock her up. Nothing worse than having to go through custody with an unstable ex.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

A Bit Much & mablenc thanks for your views. As I said If I been honest with her she will get all emo. I have to always sugar coat things just to make her happy. I had sacrificed my entire social life & time for myself(studying & working out) just to please her.Even if I had told her that I am going out with female colleagues she wont accept & she demands that I get her permission. This would boil down to a heated debate & she would ask for a divorce. As I pointed out in the post that even for small petty issues she will ask for a divorce (calling out friends at home , going to with friends\colleagues , coming late from work - I do not go to work to party & play around , I spend 10-12 hours a day in the office & before leaving I call her from my office landline just to show her that I am in the office & not goofing around).

I have to always sugar coat things for her . I am just tired of that & I cannot be just myself. Should I just keep sugar coating things & give in to her every demands? Is this what marriage is all about? Becoming a person you are not? doing your level best & your spouse just wants more & more & is ignorant of the fact of the amount of time I spend with her?? In the three years of marriage I had hardly bought anything for myself whatever she wants I get it for her even though I know I will be financially strained! I have been using the same tshirts / jeans / shoes for the past 3 years just so that she can buy what she wants. 

Coming to the question about the colleague.Two of the female colleagues are married & I know there husbands personally , one of them is single. I had tried my best to take her out & introduce my wife to them but she wouldnt want it & she just wants to spend time with me....I spend all my weekends with her & the time in the night after work (9pm to 1pm) & that time is never enough. I moved to an expensive apartment near my office just to get more time & spend it with her. I was staying with my family & she always complained about things... I try my level best ; even if there is a holiday I spend time with her...how much more time a person can give?? Should I expect nothing in return? Shouldn't I have any time for myself? 

A Bit Much - we got married even though our parents didn't agree. My father warned me she isnt the right person to get married to due to different backgrounds but me being the fool I am in & I was in love we got married......


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Bottom line is she is not and will not be satisfied with what you do.

Is this how you want to live? Doesn't sound like it. You had plenty of warning before marrying her of how she is and even your family warned you.

Either you lay in the bed you made or give her what she wants and you need. Own up that you made huge mistake and start the divorce process.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You don't say how old you are, could it be that you both married very young? Also, I don't think any married woman would just let her husband to out with female friends just like that, there has to be a strong trust between both of you. While I do believe in some "me time" you need to have a stronger marriage before you go out like that, otherwise you both are going around in circles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

By the way does she work? Or to to school?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

led_zepp said:


> Is this what marriage is all about? Becoming a person you are not?


A good marriage allows you to be yourself and inspires you to become even better.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You don't say how old you are, could it be that you both married very young? Also, I don't think any married woman would just let her husband to out with female friends just like that, there has to be a strong trust between both of you. While I do believe in some "me time" you need to have a stronger marriage before you go out like that, otherwise you both are going around in circles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


@mablenc...I am 28 & she is 31... We got married when I am 25 & she was 28...She used to work but she always leaves the job after 2-3 months stating reasons like the salary is not enough, sexual harassment , I get too tired,the boss is not good...Over the period of 3 years she shifted like 6 jobs...& the maximum time she worked for a company is 4 months....at the moment she is at her parents place in her home country & doing nothing.... She used to complain when she was staying with me that she is all alone & now that she is with her family she is saying me she feels alone even with her family as I am not around. I adviced her go out and make friends with your colleagues ,, she will be like no she is like this , like that & so on.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok reading into your post, I now see a few things, she may be in culture shock and you are enjoying the culture. While my husband and I dated long distance we got to know eachother very well so there were no surprises later.
However maybe you didn't see that you are not compatible which is easy to oversee when you think sharing the same culture will be enough.

Jaquen is right, you both should be inspiring one another. Would she be open to marriage counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

led_zepp said:


> @mablenc...I am 28 & she is 31... We got married when I am 25 & she was 28...She used to work but she always leaves the job after 2-3 months stating reasons like the salary is not enough, sexual harassment , I get too tired,the boss is not good...Over the period of 3 years she shifted like 6 jobs...& the maximum time she worked for a company is 4 months....at the moment she is at her parents place in her home country & doing nothing.... She used to complain when she was staying with me that she is all alone & now that she is with her family she is saying me she feels alone even with her family as I am not around. I adviced her go out and make friends with your colleagues ,, she will be like no she is like this , like that & so on.


Ok then, this makes sense, she's complicated to say the least. Is she never happy with anything? In this case you may want to divorce because she's not going to change unless she really want to and it takes lots of hard work and therapy. At least year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

> As I said If I been honest with her she will get all emo. I have to always sugar coat things just to make her happy.


You don't HAVE to do anything. You can be honest and accept the consequences. If she has a meltdown so be it. It sounds like you are just trying to avoid confrontation and trying to rationalize that you have no choice.



> I had sacrificed my entire social life & time for myself(studying & working out) just to please her.


It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that this approach can never work long-term. Your resentment will build to the breaking point.

The sense I am getting is that she is controlling and was looking for a meek, mild-mannered person who would do what she wants. And for the most part she's found it. Time to man up.

Time to cut your losses, find someone less manipulative and controlling.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Ok then, this makes sense, she's complicated to say the least. Is she never happy with anything? In this case you may want to divorce because she's not going to change unless she really want to and it takes lots of hard work and therapy. At least year.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she is complicated but I have tried my best to keep her happy.
The only time she is happy when she gets what she wants. Even after getting what she wants (quality time or other small pleasures like clothes, shoes , bags) she will complain I dont give her enough time...I spoke to her last week & she is like she remembers each & every moment ... I have to a feeling she is only expressing this for me to get in a better mood & not proceed with the divorce..As stated at the moment I am unemployed she expects me to migrate to Europe or to my home country & work there...I had told her that my dad is retiring this year & I might have to support my family....But over 3 occasions she bought up the topic even though I told her its a clear NO. My parents had educated me in high school in very troubled times (when he was jobless for 2 years) & I dont expect to leave them in the dark when they retire. But she is like you can migrate & then call your parents to stay with you in Europe after a year or two...I dont get it ..she wants a better future for me even though she clearly knows that I dont want to migrate at the moment. I am happy in the city i am in (Dubai - UAE) & I will continue to look for a job in Dubai for how long it takes as my parents are in the same Country (they stay in a different state)


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

No kids makes this much less complicated. Admit you made a mistake (to her) and do the honorable thing by telling her exactly what your feeling and thinking. She is not a child and should be able to handle the truth. If she can't deal with it then she should not be married anyway. Don't cheat or go out with other women until your divorced or legally seperated. You don't want any quilt baggage affecting your next relationship. Your both young so this isn't a "life disaster. If you wait 20 years to leave (After you have a couple of kids!) then it will be. Act now or forever hold your peace....


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> No kids makes this much less complicated. Admit you made a mistake (to her) and do the honorable thing by telling her exactly what your feeling and thinking. She is not a child and should be able to handle the truth. If she can't deal with it then she should not be married anyway. Don't cheat or go out with other women until your divorced or legally seperated. You don't want any quilt baggage affecting your next relationship. Your both young so this isn't a "life disaster. If you wait 20 years to leave (After you have a couple of kids!) then it will be. Act now or forever hold your peace....


@Enginerd - This is the thing...She is not a child anymore...She just cannot accept any true feelings or emotions I want to express or communicate....For the past two months we are seprate (she is in her home country) not communicating I had begged her to pick up the phone so we can talk . This kept on going on ...I had cautioned her that there will be a communication gap but she didnt care...Now after speaking after 2 months she is like I never pickup up the phone because whenever we speak I feel hurt as you express your point of view & I dont like that... Now its come to a point even she calls me I do not feel like talking much as I had begged her before two months to pick up the phone...

God help me....


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

led_zepp said:


> @Enginerd - This is the thing...She is not a child anymore...She just cannot accept any true feelings or emotions I want to express or communicate....For the past two months we are seprate (she is in her home country) not communicating I had begged her to pick up the phone so we can talk . This kept on going on ...I had cautioned her that there will be a communication gap but she didnt care...Now after speaking after 2 months she is like I never pickup up the phone because whenever we speak I feel hurt as you express your point of view & I dont like that... Now its come to a point even she calls me I do not feel like talking much as I had begged her before two months to pick up the phone...
> 
> God help me....


I had even admitted it to her that I am sorry & I was wrong.....But she still wanted a divorce...Now its come down to a point (while both of our families are involved) that she is saying she doesn't want a divorce & had handed the decision on my hands . I see this as an opportunity to end this marriage as I am tired of being the person in front of her.She had mentioned in the past on several occasions for a divorce but I never budged in ... & after a few days she is bright & chirrpy ... Now I am considering to give her a divorce... Whenever we tal on the phone she is like I wont get anyone better than me or someone who loved you so much...I know my strengths & there are plenty of fish in the ocean.. The only thing stopping me is thinking her future as a divorced girl (which isnt a acceptable norm in Pakistan) .. & from a religious point of view (God hates divorce & its a manipulation of Satan who breaks marriage)..though I am not a religious guy....

If you had watched Revolutionary Road you will know better of her character (like Kate Winslet) ....


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## miahoang (Jun 11, 2013)

I think I can understand her a little. When she has to leave her home country and family to live with you, the only family she has is you. She might love you too much to let you spend time with anyone else, but I wouldn't call that "pure love".

There are a few questions:
- Does she have any friends where you live?
- Have you ever asked how your friends treated her which made her dislike them?
- What does she usually do at home? Does she interact with neighbors and other people?

Currently I live in my husband's home country and sometimes I feel so alone even though I have a lot of friends here. Luckily we can talk openly about anything, and if I get mad, he will ask how and why I feel that way to calm me down. Have you ever asked her how she feels to be in the place you live? Do people discriminate towards her? Are they friendly and talk to her? These are all important things to consider. Also, she is older than you and this difference might make her diffident. 

I also understand your suffering, but have you ever talked to her calmly about how you feel being at work and home all the time? My husband told me skateboarding and golf are important to him and they give him more energy to love me. 

I don't like clubbing and drinking, so we spend time cooking, baking, taking pictures, making videos, going for a walk and sometimes just lying in bed watching something from the ipad. Do you have common interests except for shopping and going to the cinema?

I have no rights to convince you to stay, but before considering a divorce, you could try to talk to her honestly, and focus on your feelings, not her mistakes (never sugar coat anything, because when the sweet coating falls off, it is damn bitter). I wish you wisdom to find the best solution!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

led_zepp said:


> I had even admitted it to her that I am sorry & I was wrong.....But she still wanted a divorce...Now its come down to a point (while both of our families are involved) that she is saying she doesn't want a divorce & had handed the decision on my hands . I see this as an opportunity to end this marriage as I am tired of being the person in front of her.She had mentioned in the past on several occasions for a divorce but I never budged in ... & after a few days she is bright & chirrpy ... Now I am considering to give her a divorce... Whenever we tal on the phone she is like I wont get anyone better than me or someone who loved you so much...I know my strengths & there are plenty of fish in the ocean.. The only thing stopping me is thinking her future as a divorced girl (which isnt a acceptable norm in Pakistan) .. & from a religious point of view (God hates divorce & its a manipulation of Satan who breaks marriage)..though I am not a religious guy....
> 
> If you had watched Revolutionary Road you will know better of her character (like Kate Winslet) ....



I should have realized there were other cultural and religious implications. I missed it this time. I'm an atheist and don't believe religion should dictate human relationships. Peace out.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Would counselling be a possibility?

If you decide to go down that route, make sure you get a good counsellor.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

miahoang said:


> I think I can understand her a little. When she has to leave her home country and family to live with you, the only family she has is you. She might love you too much to let you spend time with anyone else, but I wouldn't call that "pure love".
> 
> There are a few questions:
> - Does she have any friends where you live?
> ...


- Does she have any friends where you live? No, I have asked her to mingle with neighbours or colleagues...But she is like no
- Have you ever asked how your friends treated her which made her dislike them?
She only met my friends & their spouses only ONCE.You cant judje a person from one meeting
- What does she usually do at home? Does she interact with neighbors and other people? 
Sleeps whole day (In the start of marriage she used to make breakfast but then stopped , I started eating breakfast in the office as its a 10 minutes drive), cooks, goes out for a walk & then wait for me. 

As mentioned by you we do all things together : cooking, baking, taking pictures,lying in bed watching something from the laptop, watching movies , going to the cinema , walking on the beach or park, shopping together (note all these are on weekdays & weekends). No matter how tired after office I I still try to deliver to her as I know she is at home all day & its my duty as a husband to not to be lonely. The thing is as long she gets what she wants she is happy. I can never ever recall one moment she gladly & with a true heart said honey go do what you want you deserve what you want ...Its always a fight when I go out 

I had tried and expressed my view to her but she would not want to understand & states I want more time with you...

She used to work but it was on and off...in the past 3 years she shifted 6 jobs stating reasons like I get tired, pay is too low, sexual harassment , colleagues or boss arent good people...At the moment she is in her home country & I am in in my city...


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Would counselling be a possibility?
> 
> If you decide to go down that route, make sure you get a good counsellor.


Counseling isnt an option at the moment as I can't bear the expenses (I am unemployed at the moment) & we both are in different countries.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

led_zepp said:


> The only thing stopping me is thinking her future as a divorced girl (which isnt a acceptable norm in Pakistan)


But didn't you say SHE threatened to divorce you? And that her family WANTS her to divorce you? So why are you more concerned about her future as a "divorced girl" than she or her family are?



led_zepp said:


> from a religious point of view (God hates divorce & its a manipulation of Satan who breaks marriage)..though I am not a religious guy....


And God also forgives and understands if you and she made a horrible mistake. 



led_zepp said:


> If you had watched Revolutionary Road you will know better of her character (like Kate Winslet) ....


I've watched that film and it's a nightmare. It's one of the most depressing, sad films I've ever seen in my entire life. Why would you want to continue living like that?


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> I should have realized there were other cultural and religious implications. I missed it this time. I'm an atheist and don't believe religion should dictate human relationships. Peace out.


No problem buddy.....Many thanks for your view point Enginerd .. Really appreciate it....As I said I am not religious but at times I think from a religious perspective point of view...


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

jaquen said:


> But didn't you say SHE threatened to divorce you? And that her family WANTS her to divorce you? So why are you more concerned about her future as a "divorced girl" than she or her family are?


Yes , her family has pushed forward for the divorce talks




jaquen said:


> And God also forgives and understands if you and she made a horrible mistake.


Yes, I hope so.



jaquen said:


> I've watched that film and it's a nightmare. It's one of the most depressing, sad films I've ever seen in my entire life. Why would you want to continue living like that?


But it is a very true to reality movie . When I watched the movie I saw my life flashing in front of me (remove the sex scenes with leonardo dicaprio's colleague & socializing with the neighbors) . I could relate to how leonardo feels & how Kate character is....


My parents have been married for the past 40 years & till this date they are together . They have been through a lot in life but even to this date they go out together go for islamic prayers (5 times a day), walks & dinners...touchwood.... I always wished my marriage life was like that....my mom had adopted to the culture in an foreign country (arranged marriage) & bought up 4 children who have a very good career & life...And to this day emotionally support us  I always imagined my life would be like that....But hey not all couples are like that....


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Sanity said:


> Op,
> 
> Divorce and learn from this. I also recommend you do some counseling. Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Next time take it slow and get to know this person.
> 
> Also please don't have sex with her and knock her up. Nothing worse than having to go through custody with an unstable ex.



Thanks... I shall lookup the book...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

jaquen said:


> A good marriage allows you to be yourself and inspires you to become even better.


:iagree:

This one doesn't appear to do either. You are a shell of the man you want to be and are living a life you don't want to live. You only have one life, so start living it. 

Your W appears to me to be too needy, too emotional and too unstable to be good LTR material. My recommendation is she can either get on board with the life you want to live or get left at the station. I don't think your W wants to change, so my bet is she gets left at the station.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Led zepp you still haven't told us WHY you want to stay married with this woman.

Is it mainly the stigma of divorce/religious reasons? Are you still in love with her? What do you like about her as a person and a wife?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She feels hurt because you express your point of view and she doesn't like that? She doesn't work because she is never happy with her jobs or bosses, doesn't have friends and complains that you do? 

Your father was right when he said she wasn't the right girl for you. Love doesn't conquer all.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Well if this were a woman on TAM saying she'd gone out drinking with her male friends, you'd be getting a good lashing right now.

That being said, your wife sounds typical of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up.

It's very difficult to be married to someone like your wife. I wouldn't recommend divorce at this point, unless she cannot or will not see someone for her emotional problems. If she absolutely will not try to change, then there is no hope for your future together.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

jaquen said:


> Led zepp you still haven't told us WHY you want to stay married with this woman.


The reason I posted this post is to get various feedback from different people & express my point of view.There is much more to my complex situation & they had been a lot of problems in my marriage life from my wife's part but I never pinpointed & started an argument just for the same of peace & harmony at home(as I said earlier I used to work for 9-11 hours & I cant afford to start a conversation which I know she will become emo about & in turn it will turn up into a big argument) . I could have posted the details here but I do not want to be biased 

I had discussed the situation earlier with a very close friend & my parents but was never convinced from the feedback because if I discuss the situation with anyone from my side of my family or friend obviously they will support me. This divorce situation has been going on for past 3 month's but I was never mentally prepared to kick off the divorce process. For me a divorce is a big dark ocean which should not be sailed into. I had tried to express my point of view to her last week but she as usual she loves to set her rules & I am tired of it. 



jaquen said:


> Is it mainly the stigma of divorce/religious reasons? Are you still in love with her? What do you like about her as a person and a wife?


Yes I do still love her but the only future I can see is a broken marriage which cannot be worked as she wants things her way & I am tired of giving in to her demands... Marriage is a two way street , it cannot be one sided.. As a person she takes great care of the house, everything is in order & I get to eat a proper cooked home dinner. Plus we have a very healthy sexual relationship but then at times she goes way overboard when I am stressed out from work & I encounter an erectile dysfunction due to stress . I tried expressing my feeling to her but she just says I don't love her anymore & you are in love with someone else!... 

Time for the next chapter in my life.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

SouthernMiss said:


> Well if this were a woman on TAM saying she'd gone out drinking with her male friends, you'd be getting a good lashing right now.
> 
> That being said, your wife sounds typical of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up.
> 
> It's very difficult to be married to someone like your wife. I wouldn't recommend divorce at this point, unless she cannot or will not see someone for her emotional problems. If she absolutely will not try to change, then there is no hope for your future together.


I am not doctor but I really doubt its BPD..as she abstains from any of the below:
substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving. And there is no childhood abuse too.. She will just go emo if I dont sugarcoat things.... I highly doubt she would go in for counseling & from the place she is from she will think negatively about this & her family will think I am trying to pass on the message that she has mental problems. I don't want to go down that road....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Perhaps she's just very self-absorbed. The point is that your marriage is not working. And if she isn't willing to cooperate with you to make it work (so that you can stop having to sugar-coat everything), well, you have a decision to make.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From what you've written, you and your wife have fundamentally different ideas of marriage. She sees the two of you as a self-sustaining unit, where she takes care of you, feeds you, keeps the house clean, and is your sexual partner, and you do your part by working and providing your protection and love. You see your marriage as integrated into the wider social world and view her as the most important, but not sole element. Her being outside of her own culture intensifies her attachment to you almost to the point of hysteria.

If you still love her and want to try, you have to demand that she have a coherent, rational discussion about your different expectations. So far, you have accommodated her vision of the marriage, but she hasn't accommodated yours. You must demand that she compromise and change this, otherwise the marriage is doomed.

If she won't agree to respect your desires, then you are not responsible for living the rest of your life this way.


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Led Zepp,

Just wondering if I have this right. You and your wife are from Pakistan? And you are living in the UAE (your parents are there?) and she is now home with her family? And she had initially moved to UAE to be with you? 

You said you come from different backgrounds (conservative/liberal). Is it possible that you simply have such different viewpoints of marriage and marriage roles that you aren't compatible? Have you ever discussed expectations and boundaries?

I am a shy and unsociable person by nature, and I never wanted to be best friends with my ex-husband's friend's wives, because we had absolutely nothing in common. But I am lucky enough that I work full-time, and I get my social interaction through that.

I have also lived in different countries, and I understand the inhibition that comes with a shy person dealing with a completely new culture and location.

What do you think your marriage would be like if you went back to Pakistan? (I am assuming I am understanding this right and that you are both from there). 

Do you think you could have an honest discussion with your wife about expectations? Yes, she will probably go "emo" on you, but lots of women are emotional. You need to ride it out patiently if you want the answers. 

It all depends on what you want. If you want it to work, it will probably take some painful conversations and work on both sides.

Best of luck ,
M


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Porcupine said:


> Led Zepp,
> 
> Just wondering if I have this right. You and your wife are from Pakistan? And you are living in the UAE (your parents are there?) and she is now home with her family? And she had initially moved to UAE to be with you?


Yes, we both are Pakistani citizens but she was born & raised in Pakistan whereas I was born & raised in Dubai, UAE. My parents have been a long time resident in UAE & have been settled for almost 38 years. Two months back she went back to Pakistan & she's staying with her family . Currently I am also in Pakistan but for some other personal work & am staying in a hotel (lots of questions will be asked by my extended family as they know my wife is in Pakistan & I don't want them interfering in an already complicated situation).



Porcupine said:


> You said you come from different backgrounds (conservative/liberal). Is it possible that you simply have such different viewpoints of marriage and marriage roles that you aren't compatible? Have you ever discussed expectations and boundaries?


Yes I am a liberal person due to my upbringing where as my wife is conservative & shy when it comes to socializing. I was warned by my parents & sister that my decison is not right due to diffrent upbringing's but as I was in love and tought things can work out we got married .. :scratchhead: stupidest mistake I did...... Lesson Learned : When a Wise elderly man says Don't do it , the wise man is saying it out of his life EXPERIENCE :smthumbup:

Anyway In the beginning of marriage we had discussed expectations and boundaries but I had eased on lots of areas as she was going to start a new life with me in a different country. IE: I loved to work out in the gym and was quite fit , I spared that just to give her time, stopped meeting with friends just to give her time)But as times flyed by she expected me to keep up the pace. I thought if I keep on saying yes to her she will soon realize how much I am doing for her & soon she will reciprocate. Even throughout the years we keep on discussing but her viewpoint stands affirmative that time only requires to be spent on her. End of story. After a period of 2 months after the divorce talks come she mentions to me that she realized she was wrong & will allow me to socialize but with restrictions. If you had read my previous posts in this thread it will give you a better idea.



Porcupine said:


> I am a shy and unsociable person by nature, and I never wanted to be best friends with my ex-husband's friend's wives, because we had absolutely nothing in common. But I am lucky enough that I work full-time, and I get my social interaction through that.


I had never wanted her to be best friends with my friends or their spouses. I wanted to let her in the circle to socialize. Interact with people. See the people I hang around with. After spending three years together at times we run out of things to talk about; if there is no interactions or socializing we run out of things to speak. 2.5 months back there was a period during which we had nothing to talk about as we both watch the same movies, have the same evening routine , no social life(thanks to her demands) , I talk about life in the office & she is uninterested to hear. Still I try my level best to take her out , entertain her, go for a walk in the park\beach. Its just that all the time spent with her is never enough. I have no super power which can generate more time to spend with her. 


Porcupine said:


> I have also lived in different countries, and I understand the inhibition that comes with a shy person dealing with a completely new culture and location.
> 
> What do you think your marriage would be like if you went back to Pakistan? (I am assuming I am understanding this right and that you are both from there).


I cannot imagine moving to Pakistan as the maximum numbers of days I ever stay is 3-4 days. 



Porcupine said:


> Do you think you could have an honest discussion with your wife about expectations? Yes, she will probably go "emo" on you, but lots of women are emotional. You need to ride it out patiently if you want the answers.
> 
> It all depends on what you want. If you want it to work, it will probably take some painful conversations and work on both sides.
> 
> ...


I had tried my level best to discuss but I know its useless & our future will be the same ballgame as earlier. As stated earlier in my earlier post this situation started 3 months back .. 



led_zepp said:


> The reason I posted this post is to get various feedback from different people & express my point of view.There is much more to my complex situation & they had been a lot of problems in my marriage life from my wife's part but I never pinpointed & started an argument just for the same of peace & harmony at home(as I said earlier I used to work for 9-11 hours & I cant afford to start a conversation which I know she will become emo about & in turn it will turn up into a big argument) . I could have posted the details here but I do not want to be biased
> 
> I had discussed the situation earlier with a very close friend & my parents but was never convinced from the feedback because if I discuss the situation with anyone from my side of my family or friend obviously they will support me. This divorce situation has been going on for past 3 month's but I was never mentally prepared to kick off the divorce process. For me a divorce is a big dark ocean which should not be sailed into. I had tried to express my point of view to her last week but she as usual she loves to set her rules & I am tired of it.


Its not easy to let go & end things but sometimes things have to come to a full stop.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

I really want to thank you all from the depth of my heart for the support & wisdom . I just stumbled on an article "10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully" . I have been facing the exact treatment from my wife all this time . As pointed out by SouthernMiss she might have Borderline Personality Disorder . There could be a chance.

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

:scratchhead: My sister had told me that she is a control freak & is emotionally abusing me ... My father had warned she isn't the right person... Really I am convinced its time to move on.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

led_zepp said:


> I am not doctor but I really doubt its BPD..as she abstains from any of the below:
> substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving. And there is no childhood abuse too.. She will just go emo if I dont sugarcoat things.... I highly doubt she would go in for counseling & from the place she is from she will think negatively about this & her family will think I am trying to pass on the message that she has mental problems. I don't want to go down that road....


Just so you know, it is possible to have BPD without some of those traits. The sex stuff, alcohol and drugs, culturally may not be something that is available or that she has been exposed to.

And childhood abuse is not the only trigger for the development of BPD. Take my word for it, with a genetic propensity, even benign abandonment issues in the developmental stage (2 to 3 years old) can cause BPD.

Do a little research. There are some books you can read or go back and look at a few of Uptown's posts. I think he has a couple threads somewhere that go into BPD in more detail.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

"I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages"


meh, just your standard GNO stuff...oh


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

led_zepp said:


> I am not doctor but I really doubt its BPD..as she abstains from any of the below:
> substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving. And there is no childhood abuse too.. She will just go emo if I dont sugarcoat things.... I highly doubt she would go in for counseling & from the place she is from she will think negatively about this & her family will think I am trying to pass on the message that she has mental problems. I don't want to go down that road....


Perhaps not, but I am intimately familiar with this personality disorder and her black and white view of the world, her crushing need to control your actions (borderlines feel constantly empty and will often exhibit controlling behaviors in response...esp a spouse who she thought would fill her...if only he would do what she wants), her "going emo" when you don't walk on eggshells with her and her inability to hold a stable job all speak to BPD. BPD is marked by an consistent instability in professional and personal relationships. This doesn't sound like her? Only you can say. I'm not a professional...just a person who has a lot of experience with it.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Kobo said:


> "I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages"
> 
> 
> meh, just your standard GNO stuff...oh


Nope. He isn't one of the girls. He was going out with opposite gender people drinking. That's not what a girl's night out is supposed to be (unless something shady is going on).


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> I should have realized there were other cultural and religious implications. I missed it this time. I'm an atheist and don't believe religion should dictate human relationships. Peace out.


Both Atheism and Agnosticism are based on a belief system/world view. And these belief systems greatly affects relationships just as much as any other belief system. 

Compatibility in belief/world view is an important issue. If a person marries cross-culturally, there are already some world-view issues that will make things more challenging. If you add to that a different belief system, that ups the challenge even further.

I've seen Atheists dictate human relationships through their belief system (e.g. fighting with Christian wife over taking the kids to church), so I wouldn't fool yourself into thinking your belief system is simply neutral.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

SouthernMiss said:


> Nope. He isn't one of the girls. He was going out with opposite gender people drinking. That's not what a girl's night out is supposed to be (unless something shady is going on).


I know. bad joke.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Tron said:


> Just so you know, it is possible to have BPD without some of those traits. The sex stuff, alcohol and drugs, culturally may not be something that is available or that she has been exposed to.
> 
> And childhood abuse is not the only trigger for the development of BPD. Take my word for it, with a genetic propensity, even benign abandonment issues in the developmental stage (2 to 3 years old) can cause BPD.
> 
> Do a little research. There are some books you can read or go back and look at a few of Uptown's posts. I think he has a couple threads somewhere that go into BPD in more detail.


Tron , you are right it is BPD. All this while I had been in the dark & always though I am not doing enough. But whatever I did for her was never enough for her. She always banks on my fears, says things which makes no sense , predicts future or people which are ridiculously wrong , always thinks that I am going to leave her but instead she always leaves me & threatens for a divorce & then after a week she will come back & says she loves me & didn't mean to hurt me or leave me . She only does things for me that she thinks she is right & always ignore what I want. wants to make intimate love even though I am in no mood for it , if I say no she goes emo , if I say yes I am just in bed & she is doing the intimate love(I really feel empty when this happens). If I do A for her , she will say do Z , If if do Z she will say do A. She will try her level best to isolate me from my parents or my friends. She always suspects my friends or colleague & at times my parents are trying their best to break our relationship(which makes no sense). If she sees me saying hello to a female friend from uni or family friend she will make statement like" I see you like her, did you have a relationship with her , seems like you love her body, grow up & stop staring at her, seems like you aren't attached to me" . I could go on but after researching about BPD it makes sense to me why she behaves like a pyscho at times.

I have been doing some research about it & found the below *(Credit : shrink4men)*


*13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist*

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. *You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions*. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people. 

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal. 

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.


*How do they approach relationships?*

The Borderline Woman: “Please love me. I didn’t mean it. Don’t leave me.” Initially, the BPD will mutate into the woman she thinks you want her to be. This ideal fantasy woman has nothing to do with who she is in reality. She’ll do everything in her power to please you in order to make you love her and then the mask starts to crumble.

Can you feel sympathy for her?

The Borderline Woman: Even when she’s off the charts crazy, there’s still something sort of pitiful about her. It’s easier to feel sympathy for a BPD, but pity and guilt shouldn’t be the glue that holds a relationship together. It doesn’t negate the consequences of her emotionally abusive behavior, whether the hurt she inflicts is intentional or unintentional.


Is she capable of empathy? 

The Borderline Woman: BPDs can be guided to feel empathy by reminding them of specific instances when they felt bad, but it’s usually pretty fleeting. Bottom line: A BPD’s emotional distress takes precedence over everything and everyone else, no matter how empathic she may seem to be from time to time. Furthermore, empathy from a BPD often comes with strings attached.

Is she capable of giving?

The Borderline Woman: BPDs are givers, but it comes with a price. It’s part of what I mentioned earlier about doing anything to please you to get you to love them.

Most of the behaviors I’m describing are entirely unconscious. These behaviors are learned at an early age and some of them may be hardwired. Whether she’s more NPD or BPD, both traits are extremely painful and damaging to the people who love them.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

SouthernMiss said:


> Nope. He isn't one of the girls. He was going out with opposite gender people drinking. That's not what a girl's night out is supposed to be (unless something shady is going on).


No shady thing going on. two male colleagues were supposed to join but they couldn't make it ...So I thought why to stop the party plan when they cant make it....No shady business


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

SouthernMiss said:


> Perhaps not, but I am intimately familiar with this personality disorder and her black and white view of the world, her crushing need to control your actions (borderlines feel constantly empty and will often exhibit controlling behaviors in response...esp a spouse who she thought would fill her...if only he would do what she wants), her "going emo" when you don't walk on eggshells with her and her inability to hold a stable job all speak to BPD. BPD is marked by an consistent instability in professional and personal relationships. This doesn't sound like her? Only you can say. I'm not a professional...just a person who has a lot of experience with it.


SouthernMiss please check my latest POST
Yes, I have to walk on egg shells. All the *13 points in the 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline *makes sense to me 

If I really didn't stumble upon posting my issues I wouldn't figure out that she is NPD. I always thought she might be bi-polar but it's traits never completely matched to bi-polar (coz I never knew about borderline until 2 days back).


I could inform her that she might need to go to therapy for this but she being a person from Pakistan I really doubt . In turn she and her family for think I am crazy. I don't want to go there. She bought up the case for divorce & this time I am gonna give it to her & save me from going mental in the future.....


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

How to Deal with a Borderline Woman

When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man

Now things are making sense to me....25 years of my life (before marriage) I was a stress free & happy man , never ever had episodes with rage & anger, Never had feeling like emptiness , I used to workout hard in the gym & felt good. I never used to drink & smoke a lot but it increased due to stress & emotional abuse. FML . I started to stressed out the entire day in the office due to masking my emotions from my wife.. saying things just to please her... 

I really thank God I posted my issues & in the end getting some answers to my problems


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I know you have to worry about the cultural impact the divorce would have on her, and I do understand it. However, you have to realize that if you are willing sacrifice your life by staying married to her its going to be a life time burden.

Im sure there are woman who have been divorced and while it may not be a walk in the park for them, they just have to adjust. I also think eventually your culture will catch up with reality. Its not fair to live like this because of the cultural impact. 

Now that you feel you understand the situation better what are you planning to do?


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I know you have to worry about the cultural impact the divorce would have on her, and I do understand it. However, you have to realize that if you are willing sacrifice your life by staying married to her its going to be a life time burden.
> 
> Im sure there are woman who have been divorced and while it may not be a walk in the park for them, they just have to adjust. I also think eventually your culture will catch up with reality. Its not fair to live like this because of the cultural impact.
> 
> Now that you feel you understand the situation better what are you planning to do?


It has been an eye opener for me that my wife has lots of BPD traits. I have been spending my whole day reading about BPD ,reading articles on BPD is like watching a movie on how my wife behaves ( possessive , black & white, controlling ,isolating me from family & friends , questioning my own sanity,Censoring my thoughts and feelings, everything is my fault, When I do something wrong I am an idiot, when she does the same thing wrong its not a biggy shes human ,threating of leaving & then coming back, wont admit her mistakes)

All this time I had been in the dark & questioning my own sanity. I really cannot continue with the relationship . I had quit my job at one of the biggest multinational insurance company in the world as I couldn't concentrate at work due to personal issues at home (all the nagging , fighting , giving sole attention to her, sleeping late at 1am just to make sure she isn't bored and someone to spend time with - at then waking at 7am, having sex almost everyday even though I am not in the mood). It all makes sense know. My dad & sister had hinted to me that I can't get my head straight at work because the issues at home , back then I didn't give it much thought. I have been working for 10 years now - the 7 years at work before marriage was exciting & I was always motived & wanted to succeed. The last 3 years at work I was always disturbed as I kept on concealing my emotions , feelings & walking on eggshells. Plus smoking & drinking increased ten-fold.

I have suffered for 3 years & that's enough. I am moving on & will start the divorce process when I am back in Dubai. I no longer have the guilt that we will be separated. I don't want to be tied down & chained for the rest of my life.

She always wanted a divorce ; this time she will get it. Time to head back to the gym & reduce smoking & drinking. :smthumbup:

I really thank you & the rest who had helped me identifying Emotional Abuse & BPD.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

zepp,

Just so you know, it generally does not get better without therapy. And typically lots of it. Age and maturity also have a lot to do with it.

They are notoriously difficult to treat. Their reality is skewed and they just don't see things the same way as "normal" people. As a result they don't think there is anything wrong with them. It is everyone else that is screwed up. 

Good luck. If you divorce her, you need to be up front with her family (outside her presence) and tell them the problem. It isn't going to just go away and if she is witness to the discussion, she is just going to play the victim and blame-shift everything on to you. It is something they are very good at, as you already well know.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Tron said:


> zepp,
> 
> Just so you know, it generally does not get better without therapy. And typically lots of it. Age and maturity also have a lot to do with it.
> 
> ...


Tron, I don't want to go that way & speak to her parents about BPD. 3 months back I had expressed my feelings , emotions & her childish behavior to my W parents & they said in plain words that their daughter is an angel & she doesn't behave this way (I have it in writing). I had also informed them that she has done couples of things in the past which are CLEARLY wrong & they openly admitted she is NOT wrong . In addition my W also admitted openly she is not wrong. 

I have got a feeling she is being dominated by her parents(especially her mother) at home so she doesn't have much freedom to do anything against their wishes. That explains her dominating & possessive trait. Moreover her parents will label me & my family crazy. :rofl:


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

led_zepp said:


> I have got a feeling she is being dominated by her parents(especially her mother) at home so she doesn't have much freedom to do anything against their wishes. That explains her dominating & possessive trait. Moreover her parents will label me & my family crazy. :rofl:


Well ok then. 

Sounds like she is going to be their problem again pretty soon anyway.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

Tron said:


> Sounds like she is going to be their problem again pretty soon anyway.


:iagree:

I guess they know her better...She & her family is calling for the divorce... It's their problem.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

eyuop said:


> Both Atheism and Agnosticism are based on a belief system/world view. And these belief systems greatly affects relationships just as much as any other belief system.
> 
> Compatibility in belief/world view is an important issue. If a person marries cross-culturally, there are already some world-view issues that will make things more challenging. If you add to that a different belief system, that ups the challenge even further.
> 
> I've seen Atheists dictate human relationships through their belief system (e.g. fighting with Christian wife over taking the kids to church), so I wouldn't fool yourself into thinking your belief system is simply neutral.



Never said I was neutral anywhere in my post so I don't understand why you felt the need to make this statement. I completely agree that my world view affects every aspect of my life. Lets face it, Atheists are less popular then murders in some parts of the world. I tell my sons that it's a hard way to live and not to expect acceptance from believers. 

I just can't relate to the thought process of people who marry within the confines of a strict religous society. I would also never marry outside my culture for the reasons you listed. In other words, I don't think I can help the OP much because I have no experience dealing with his issues. Normally I don't comment on threads where religion or social concerns play a fundamental role.


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## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

I just remembered before marriage she used to say me at time she just cries for no reason as she feels alone. And crying empties the pain in her heart. Back then I replied "Don't worry I am here now , I will take care of you & you will be happy" . It seemed to me like a decent normal conversation or statement. And I remember she also told me in university she used to write depressing poems about broken love & broken hearts . Is there any connection with depression or BPD?

Just asking? Any insight into this?

Plus she always used to ask me that till what age do you want to live? I replied 60 or more to see my grand children grow up...When I asked her till what age do you want to live , she "replied 50 that's the max, but I was told I would pass away when I am 30-33" . I asked her who told you this, her response is "Someone had read my palm & told me that I would live until 30-31 max" .

WTF....FML!!!!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

led_zepp said:


> Is there any connection with depression or BPD?
> 
> Just asking? Any insight into this?


I am not aware of any connection although it is possible to have both. 

The depression is treatable with anti-depressant medications. BPD is not.


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

I feel for you dude. I'm so pleased to come across your thread, not that I like seeing people suffer(!), but what you described in your post is what I've endured in my relationship. I've been married 6 years and together for 16. I've suffered through pretty much the same behaviours as what your wife has expressed to you (minus the parental in put), but mainly the emotional control and social isolation. 

I'm pleased you 'got out' as its bloody awful when you're in the thick of it, as you do want to please your wife and make her happy but never feeling like you measure up to her demands. 

Well any way dude, that's awesome that you're moving on as its like a prison when you are dealing with some who has BPD...there's not a lot we can do about it, it's up to them. Saying that my wife is, through maturity and me not caring as much about her behaviour, has allowed me to be in the relationship for so long as she's not as bad as she used to be. 

Thank you for your thread as I don't feel as isolated as I used to be


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