# In a dark place and I'm truly broken



## Easyrod21 (2 mo ago)

Hi,

I'm brand new to this site but if I can get some help, I would be outrageously grateful. 

So, I found out on Sunday that my wife has been talking to another man and my world was crumbling. I found out for certain on Wednesday morning, from her, that she slept with this man and my world is in complete shambles. I have not been the perfect husband, but I have never gone this far. 

For context. I was in a Facebook live discount sales group. The owner of the group and business is an older woman whom I've never been attracted to or even registered that she would be interested in me. In the last live video sale, I was on the conversation between the ladies in the chat got a little hot. I was usually the only male on the live sales. My wife met the woman several times and I thought we were all friends. Anyway, this lady says she at one point had some "tasteful" pictures on a craigslist profile (not even sure if that's the correct terminology because I've never checked it out) and says she would send them to me. I was very hesitant because I didn't want to see anything crazy. She goes ask your wife I'm sure it will be fine. My wife was sleeping, and I didn't want to wake her up. The lady sends the pictures, and they immediately make me uncomfortable. I leave the live sale and have not spoken with her since. I tell my wife what happened either the next day or two days later, I honestly can't remember, because I didn't want to hide anything from here, I didn't want her to find it randomly and thing something else and one of the things I've been working on through therapy is my communication skills. My wife told me that's what broke us right after I confronted her about the man she's dealing with because the pictures were synced to our sons iPad. 

I know I was wrong for the pictures, but my naivety allowed this to happen. But I never spoke with her like that, and I never viewed her in that manner. She never had access to me the way this man has had access to my wife. My wife also wants a break now as well and literally I feel like someone took a shotgun to my heart at 1 inch away and pulled the trigger. 

If you have gotten this far thank you for reading. If you respond Im willing to read any and everything anyone has to say. 

thank you for your time either way.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How did your wife meet the POSOM? Who is he? Is he married? Kids? How old are all of you? An d how long has this been going on? How did you find out?


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## Easyrod21 (2 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> How did your wife meet the POSOM? Who is he? Is he married? Kids? How old are all of you? An d how long has this been going on? How did you find out?


He is a security guard at the job she just got fired from. She claims they have been talking like that for just a few weeks. I’m 36 she’s going to be 39 in a week and a half. He is a single dad of two. My son found pictures on his tablet and showed me that’s how I initially found out but I confronted her about it and she confirmed.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

going to be blunt

YOU have defective boundary issues - YOU have no valid reason to be trading pictures with another women.
Did you forget you are married? This needs to get fixed whether or not your marriage survives your wife's infidelity as I interpret your post they traded body fluids in a very intimate way.

That, Sir, is a whole other and separate issue from your picture issue.

Get your self checked for STDs - whether or not you have had relations with her recently or ??

Others will post shortly and you will hear: "Cheaters Lie, Cheaters Lie, and then Cheaters Lie some more."
Very unlikely you have the truth. 

So keep your mouth shut and start your investigating - phone bill? Credit cards? Banking? check her activities
and get something like "Life360" on her phone and keep tabs on where she goes. Google history will have a record of where she has been if her android phone has had lactation services on.

Read this post: Standard Evidence Post

Give some thought about your future? Yes - are you capable of lving with a woman who has shared her body with another while married to you? If not - skip to a lawyer and start proceedings for divorce. When she violated your vows, the marriage was dissolved. Divorce just makes it legal.

So? Your wife told you of her tryst? Willingly or ?? Why was she fired? You have A LOT TO UPACK with her if you want to stay together. 

Regarding this:

_"My wife told me that's what broke us right after I confronted her about the man she's dealing with because the pictures were synced to our sons iPad."_

First - YOUR transgression is NOT a valid reason for HER transgression - they are two separate issues!!! Got that?
How old is your son and just how inappropriate are the pictures? Something most would say a "son" should not see?

reading between the lines (your info is sparse) - I get the idea she alredy has "One foot out the door" and the pictures (in her comprised mind) are a "justification" for her cheating.

Get thee to a lawyer and get the "lay of the land" so you can plan should you be unable to salvage what is left of your marriage - if you even harbor the idea of saving.

Cheaters cheat because of their own sxxtty boundaries. Lack of integrity - lack of morals - whatever you want to call the persons mental defect(s) - 

Suggest you post more about your marriage "before" the picture and "security guard" episodes occurred. Maybe others can offer positive suggestions.

also - I would lock down all your finances in case she has more "lack of integrity" brewing up the idea of cleaning out your bank account and maxing your credit cards.

Also get a VAR/video recorder so be certain you have either/both going in case she gets the idea of instigating a confrontation such that the police are called and you get arrested for "Domestic Violence" - you are at risk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm kinda confused here as you are talking about a variety of different things and facebook sales and pictures etc. 

I'm just looking for some clarification on timeline. Did you find out about your wife with this other guy and then this facebook gal sent you pictures? And was it when you disclosed the pictures that she said she had had sex with this guy and now wants a "break?" 

And why did she get fired? Did her shananigans with the OM have anything to do with her getting fired? 

And just for reference, anytime someone wants a "break" 99.9999999% of the time it is so they can test drive the other man without restriction for awhile to see if he will actually pan out or not. If he turns out to want her full time, then she will monkey branch to him in a matter of days or weeks. 

If he doesn't pan out, then she turn back up on your doorstep acting like nothing ever happened and assuming you should just welcome her back with open arms.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Easyrod21 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm brand new to this site but if I can get some help, I would be outrageously grateful.
> 
> ...


Hi Easyrod, 

there are several things. 
You broke a boundary with the pictures, that's a fact. 
But that doesn't relate to her actually getting into a PA. Sounds like a revenge PA, but she is 1-upping with actual sex.
To give you advise, we might need a bit of a timeline here and maybe some more background. 
How long is between the pictures and the PA? 
Can you give some more infos on the reasoning of your wife, even if it will probably be bollox at this early time.
Does she want a divorce? I she cheating down? 
Unfortunately, you gave your first trump away by confronting her that early and with such weak evidence. She now definitely will go in hiding. Be vigilant. 

Go, seek out a lawyer, devide assets as the earliest convenience. Stuff might get ugly. 
You might think about R later, if there is anything left after the fallout, but better prepare for the worst while homping for the best.
Is she moving out, or do you? If the house is yours both be careful, depending on the laws in your state you moving out might have consequences later in divorce. 

Am sorry for the mess you are in.


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## Easyrod21 (2 mo ago)

Ok. The picture which were only 3 was sent by the lady to me. I never traded anything back to her. That happened some time before august. We actually went to New York City for a weekend get away for our anniversary towards the end of august and had a fantastic time. We came back and I thought everything was going great. Better than it has been for a while. She was fired from her job about 2 weeks ago now for probationary something I can’t remember the correct verbiage. She went to California last week and last week Sunday is when all the information about them started breaking through.

I have never given anyone the chance to be anything closer than a friend ever. I spoke to my wife about the pictures, as I have been working on my communication issues through therapy with the mindset of being open and honest because she mentioned that she hadn’t heard me in a live video sale of hers.

As For the pictures. She claimed they were “tasteful“ I didn’t and still don’t agree. None of them showed her face but one was of her in like a lace panty. Another was of her in the same panty with her back arched towards the camera poking her butt towards the camera and the third was her topless with her hands Covering her breasts towards the camera. I never sent the lady any pictures of myself in any fashion. And I have not spoken to her since. 

I confronted with the images on my son iPad and she admitted to me that she was talking with this guy. I asked and she also admitted that she had slept with him. 
My son is 6 years old.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Easyrod21 said:


> Ok. The picture which were only 3 was sent by the lady to me. I never traded anything back to her. That happened some time before august. We actually went to New York City for a weekend get away for our anniversary towards the end of august and had a fantastic time. We came back and I thought everything was going great. Better than it has been for a while. She was fired from her job about 2 weeks ago now for probationary something I can’t remember the correct verbiage. She went to California last week and last week Sunday is when all the information about them started breaking through.
> 
> I have never given anyone the chance to be anything closer than a friend ever. I spoke to my wife about the pictures, as I have been working on my communication issues through therapy with the mindset of being open and honest because she mentioned that she hadn’t heard me in a live video sale of hers.
> 
> ...


To clarity things let’s toss out the issue of a lady sending you pictures. Maybe there was some causal factor or maybe not. It doesn’t matter because it’s not a reason to cheat on you. So set that issue aside for a bit.

Your wife sleeping with the security guard is the issue. So let’s talk about that.

What’s her status now? Are you and her together still? Are you going to divorce? Is she trying to stay married or pretty much done?

And the biggest question of all… “what do you want”? And no, you can’t undo this. It’s done.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The fact that somebody sent you pictures is not justification for your wife having sex with another man. I suspect part of her choice has to do with being 39, worried about turning 40 & wanting to know she still "had it." 

That said, this is about way more than the last few months. You being the only man in a group of women that talked sexy under the guise of business was a problem. You should have shut that down definitively after the 1st discussion. I would have asked is this is a business group or a sex group. Depending on the answer I would have left. 

This may be part of your communications issues & is asked about her side, I bet your wife would claim that she has felt unheard & invisible for a while now. Her solution was to seek comfort in the arms (& bed) of another man which was a terrible choice that did more damage than anything. 

Let me explain hard boundaries to you. I was with a group pf people the other night. Several couples, DH & I included went to the new home of one member. Everybody had been drinking, except me because I was the designated driver. The new home owner took some of the wives on a tour of his beautiful new home while the husbands drank in the kitchen / living room. The homeowner's wife has been out of the county for the last month & is expected back before Christmas. On the tour he made an off color vulgar joke. I reacted to tell him that kind of humor was inappropriate. (I used much stronger language). When he made a 2nd joke along the same lines I walked out of the room & back to the kitchen. DH & I left soon after. Yesterday that man apologized to me in front of my husband. Everybody was crystal clear about where I drew the line. You . . not so much. The owner of the FB group thought she was welcome to send you those pictures. Instead of deflecting, you needed to straight up tell her that you were in the FB group for sales & had zero interest in her pictures. Your wishy-washy response made her believe you were OK with the pictures. So while you are working on communication with your therapist, work on boundaries & clarity. . It won't save your marriage but you still need them in life.

@BeyondRepair007 is correct. The Q becomes what do you want? If you want to stay together, can you get past the cheating? Do you _AND_ your wife want to put this guy behind you, get into marriage counseling & move forward together? If you both don't want this -- her never having any contact with this guy & you getting out of that FB group -- just get a divorce because your marriage is irretrievably broken.

Also make sure your device is not synced with a 6 year old's device. Your kid does not need to know what mom & dad do on line. Even something like TAM is not for a child's eyes.


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## unheld (Sep 20, 2013)

sleeping_sandman said:


> Hi Easyrod,
> 
> there are several things.
> You broke a boundary with the pictures, that's a fact.
> ...


This ^^^

Your wife is gaslighting you

You did nothing wrong and got burned by your curiosity to see who this other "anonymous" internet person is and she sent you whatever... She's less than honest, so consider that in any transactions you're doing in your group if she is involved.

More to the point, your wife is gaslighting you in a major way


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

For the life of me I will never understand how a mother of a young, dependent child can cheat on their dad. My guilt toward the fallout for my child wouldn’t let me get a sock off. I don’t think you getting a few photos and not responding is why she cheated. That’s a straw she’s grasping at to blame you. I’m sorry, but your wife is gross. Is she at all remorseful? It seems to me SHE’s the one that should be a complete wreck about her behavior. If she’s not, I don’t see much hope. Sorry you’re here.


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