# I Need Advice



## Destrot (May 1, 2017)

My husband and I are considering a separation and I am very torn. My husband was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and another medical condition so for the last six months, he has been in a very dark place. I have tried to talk with him, go to his doctor’s appointments, read books on how to help and stand by his decisions, which changed daily. My husband is an emotional vault. I have known this since the day I met him. He very rarely opens up to me or anyone for that matter. He is and an introvert and I am an extrovert so we have always been a ying and yang of sorts. 

Our relationship went downhill about three years ago when I started having issues at work. I had been with a company for eight years and when new management came in I struggled with the change. I discussed this with my husband and he said, “ find something new”. I looked for a new job for about 6 months and went on serval interviews and while I received some offers, they were not close to what I was currently making. My husband said you have to find something comparable and while I understood, I was also a little annoyed. You see for years, my husband struggled to keep a job and I always supported him. He was now in a job he loved and for the first time since we had met the roles were reversed. I told him I could not find anything in the area we lived and I think I needed to look outside. He said that was fine and I did just that. Within one month, I was offered a great job in a city that was close to my family. I asked him what he thought and he said he was ok with it but I could tell he wasn’t. I kept asking and finally he said it is fine so I moved with my two children and he came a few months later once we sold our house. Things really went south when he was not able to keep the job he loved. The company sold right before us moving and he had to give up his dream job. I could tell he resented me but wouldn’t open up about it. Instead, he stared lashing out in other ways. We almost didn’t even make it to the move. 

Once there, he hated his first job and was let go. Then he got pretty big second job and while that was good for a while he started to dislike that as well and became overwhelmed by all the responsibility. I on the other hand was doing well and had received two promotions. I could see the resentment building and then he had a small breakdown, which caused him to shut down and shut me out completely. I suggested he take some time to himself and think about what he really wants. I told him I am willing to work on us and go to therapy and that I know I am not perfect either and will work on my issues and I need him to be more emotionally and physically available. He went away for a week and when he returned I ask if he had thought about us and therapy and he said yes, “and I think we are good”. I asked what that meant and he said, “he could never please me and that he will never be the man I want him to be so after 20 years of us being together ( we met in college) it was time to call it”. I was crushed and tried to talk about it but he just seemed angry. Since then, we have talked about it very little. I have been out of town for work the last 10 days and I was hoping the separation would help but I get the feeling he is truly down with me/us and to be honest, for the first time ever I am starting to feel the same way. I worry about my children because they are small and I don’t want to hurt them. It truly breaks my heart to think of the effects a separation or divorce could have on them. They are my whole world. 

I welcome any and all advice because I am truly at a loss.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How solid was this marriage? Sex, intimacy, and passion on a regular basis? Did you ever think you had the perfect marriage?

If you didn't have kids, would you blink an eye if he left? Don't let kids decide your happiness and future. Only you can make yourself happy. No such thing as soul mates. Sounds like you both are going different paths and are only hanging on for the kids.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My advice:
There are things that seem to be insurmountable:
He can't keep a job--- that's a red flag that points to bigger problems.
He gives up on jobs, he gives up on his wife, hewill give up on life.

If one person wants out of the relationship as he says he does, and you are wanting out also, just let it die a natural death.

That's all you can do anyway.
Don't feel guilty about it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said that the company he was working for sold, the one with his dream job. Was the job still there or was it impacted by the sale? I just wonder if he was going to lose that job anyway.

It sounds to me like he's on his own path right now and is not considering you much at all. With that in mind, I think that your best bet is to start putting your focus on yourself and your children. Do what you need to do to keep your life together, work out, get friends, do things that are good for your children.

He will either come back and or he will move on. there is very little that you can do to influence this with his current mind set. And if he takes too long to come back into the marriage, you might get to a point where you don't want him back.

I suggest you look at the 180 link in my signature blow below. That is how you should be interacting with him until he decides to come back and fully commit to your marriage. It will help you heal emotionally and keep you stronger.

At some point, if he does not come back emotionally, you will give up on the marriage. That is the risk that he is taking.

I hate to bring this up, but is there any chance at all that he is involved with another woman?


----------



## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

He is not all to blame, you are also. Don't seem like your as supportive as you think you are 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

DEMI6 said:


> He is not all to blame, you are also. Don't seem like your as supportive as you think you are


Yeah, I guess all those YEARS of being the only breadwinner while the man-child sat at home waiting for the perfect job to just knock on his door and present itself to him don't count, is that it?

OP, are you really that surprised that he's so willing to give up on the marriage? For years, he's wallowed in his over-exaggerated sense of self importance, thinking he's he's too damned good for most jobs and thought nothing of making YOU support the family for years. Considering his completely irresponsible view of thinking he has the right to walk off of any job that he doesn't 'love,' is it any surprise that he's also more than willing to walk out of the marriage as well?

From what you've posted - how you've constantly had to carry this guy year after year because he obviously doesn't feel *any* sense of responsibility to provide for his family - he's absolutely right when he says he can't be the man you want him to be.

But it's not because YOU'RE over-demanding. It's because he can't be the 'man' *ANY* woman would want him to be.

Women don't *need *another child to raise, and that's basically what he is.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If he's not going to meet you halfway to try and repair the marriage, you'll be putting in effort for no ultimate gain. I believe in repairing marriage, but both parties have to be all-in or it's a wasted exercise. 

So, based on his behavior, I'd start to prepare for divorce, get your ducks in a row, get a lawyer, and plan to discuss division of assets.

You need to show that you won't agree to live in limbo. It's a debilitating place to be. You're both either in this together for the long haul or not.

If he is cheating (not assuming he is) then all the better to start to make plans for separation. Just because you've known each other since high school does not mean you are obligated to stay in the current situation if it's intolerable.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you first got married you blended together. Like apples into sweet apple cider.

Slowly, the cider started to turn sour. No new apples were added into the mix.
After a while you got "used to" the sour taste. In actuality, you were drinking vinegar together.

He added acidic remarks. You added water to dilute it as much as you could.

Him leaving the house, and the two of you being separated did not stop you from going to that same "pitch-her" of sourness.
You kept drinking this stuff. 

Now? You have started to drink tap water and a little Sprite. You are feeling better because the acidity in your system is lessening.
Your are seeing less of him. By doing so, you are seeing more of what he is not....a good life partner.

Newsflash: Johnathon Apple has long fallen off the tree, has already soured and is beginning to decompose.

Divorce. 

Move to a new orchard with healthy male fruit. This time around go to a peach orchard.

Avoid the banana plantations, they will use and abuse you.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, I guess all those YEARS of being the only breadwinner while the man-child sat at home waiting for the perfect job to just knock on his door and present itself to him don't count, is that it?
> 
> OP, are you really that surprised that he's so willing to give up on the marriage? For years, he's wallowed in his over-exaggerated sense of self importance, thinking he's he's too damned good for most jobs and thought nothing of making YOU support the family for years. Considering his completely irresponsible view of thinking he has the right to walk off of any job that he doesn't 'love,' is it any surprise that he's also more than willing to walk out of the marriage as well?
> 
> ...


I'd have "liked" this, but JLD did and now I'm scared, LOL. This is pretty accurate. A man worth having would not sit on his rear and let his wife support him. He'd do whatever it took to do his part, whether or not it was his "dream job" or not.
You won't be getting a bad deal if you just decide to move on. You chose............Poorly. Don't choose poorly again by trying to keep riding a dead horse. This sucker was a rotting corpse for years. Get off and go find a new one. There's nothing wrong with that, especially when the dead horse's ghost eerily tells you to move on.


----------



## Destrot (May 1, 2017)

Thank you for your response!

My husband and I have been together a long time. In the beginning we could not keep our hands off each other but over time that subsided. Once we had the kids it really went downhill. I would always try but it seemed like he had little desire. Over the last six months, it has been non-existent. I have suggested we try different things, I ask him to come to the gym with me but it truly seems like he is giving up on life. It is hard to watch and I want to help him get better but the problem is, I think I want it more than him. He has a therapist for the depression and he feels that his loss of enthusiasm has to do with the medication and is trying to correct it but my husband said it is because he hates where we live and everything is all about me. I just let him say that because it is not worth the fight anymore. 

I am a problem solver and I know this can be annoying. Sometimes it is not my fight and I should let it be. I just hate seeing people I care about suffer. 

I agree with you that we are definitely on different paths right now and I don’t know if we can get back on track.


----------



## Destrot (May 1, 2017)

You said that the company he was working for sold, the one with his dream job. Was the job still there or was it impacted by the sale? I just wonder if he was going to lose that job anyway.

It sounds to me like he's on his own path right now and is not considering you much at all. With that in mind, I think that your best bet is to start putting your focus on yourself and your children. Do what you need to do to keep your life together, work out, get friends, do things that are good for your children.

He will either come back and or he will move on. there is very little that you can do to influence this with his current mind set. And if he takes too long to come back into the marriage, you might get to a point where you don't want him back.

I suggest you look at the 180 link in my signature blow below. That is how you should be interacting with him until he decides to come back and fully commit to your marriage. It will help you heal emotionally and keep you stronger.

At some point, if he does not come back emotionally, you will give up on the marriage. That is the risk that he is taking.

I hate to bring this up, but is there any chance at all that he is involved with another woman?

I appreciate your response!

The job was still there and when we were told the job could not move, I told him we could stay. He however, leaves that part out of the story all the time. He tells people he has always let me follow my dreams. That annoys me because I have only had three jobs since I met him over 20 years ago. 

I agree he is on his own path. I am starting to see how selfish he really is but it still breaks my heart because it seems like he hates me. I have been going to the gym three nights a week with my co- workers and I take my kids to a gym and swimming during the week and on the weekends. It really helps to clear my head. I use to ask him to join all the time but he always tells me no so finally I stopped. He recently asked if I was cheating and I laughed because I work 9-10 hours a day, go to the gym in my office with 12 other girls and a trainer who is a woman, and then I go home and play with my kids, cook, and do homework until bed. I never go out unless it is with him so it upset me that he would think that. 

I will check out the 180 link because I am struggling to communicate with him. 

I am giving up on it and I think that is why he has not officially ended it because once I have had enough, I am done and I am the type of person that will put all my energy into my kids, myself, and move on. He knows that about me. 

I don’t think he is cheating, I look into it and found no evidence. When I first moved and he stayed backed to see our house, he told me he had considered it because he was so mad. I asked why he didn’t just talk to me and he said I wouldn’t have listened it was my way or no way. 

As I type all this I know what I have to do and I know my marriage will end, I guess I am just looking for that one shred of hope so I don’t have to tear my family apart. 

Thanks again for your post!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Destrot said:


> I am giving up on it and I think that is why he has not officially ended it because once I have had enough, I am done and I am the type of person that will put all my energy into my kids, myself, and move on. He knows that about me.


He will probably never file for divorce. It takes effort. So filing will probably be your responsibility too.

Thinking about the divorce process here, what percentage of your joint income do you earn? 

How much effort does he put into caring for your children right now?


----------



## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, I guess all those YEARS of being the only breadwinner while the man-child sat at home waiting for the perfect job to just knock on his door and present itself to him don't count, is that it?
> 
> OP, are you really that surprised that he's so willing to give up on the marriage? For years, he's wallowed in his over-exaggerated sense of self importance, thinking he's he's too damned good for most jobs and thought nothing of making YOU support the family for years. Considering his completely irresponsible view of thinking he has the right to walk off of any job that he doesn't 'love,' is it any surprise that he's also more than willing to walk out of the marriage as well?
> 
> ...


Ppl do what we ALLOW! 


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Do you think that your husband resents having children? It's not unusual for men to miss being with just their wives, once other, more needy things enter the picture. I'm not saying it's definitely so, but maybe a possibility. 

I've known several good friends who have blatantly told me that they regret having kids. Ouch I think, but it is their truth.


----------



## Destrot (May 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> He will probably never file for divorce. It takes effort. So filing will probably be your responsibility too.
> 
> Thinking about the divorce process here, what percentage of your joint income do you earn?
> 
> How much effort does he put into caring for your children right now?


He will probably never file for divorce. It takes effort. So filing will probably be your responsibility too.

Thinking about the divorce process here, what percentage of your joint income do you earn? 

How much effort does he put into caring for your children right now?

I was already thinking that. I make 70% of our income and care for the kids 75% of the time. He will not test me on the kids. I was very clear about that. I told him we can split everything down the middle but if he tries to go after the kids I will destroy him. I don't want this to get ugly and he said he doesn't either. He and I have been togther a long time so I think, hope there is a mutual respect still there. 

Do you think it is too soon to consult with legal counsel?


----------



## Destrot (May 1, 2017)

Maybe, but the thought of that makes me sick. We weren't planning on having kids. I was told I couldnt and we kind of put it out of our minds. However, we got lucky and had our boys. They are my world so he may feel a little neglected.


----------

