# Do you think exposing the cheating SO to family and friends, is a good thing?



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Is exposing the cheating SO to family and friends a good thing? Does it really work to keep the marriage together? Or does it just make the cheating SO defensive and causes them to turn away from the marriage?

What are your thoughts and experiences dealing with this.


----------



## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

In my situation I kept it as quiet as possible until I made the decision that there would be no R. I gave her a chance to open up to me about it and hopefully try to work together to get through it. When I soon realized she had absolutely no intention of that I had to make sure that D was definitely the direction I wanted this ship to sail and I went from there. I knew once I exposed it would be next to impossible to change course. 

The reason I decided to do it was definitely a very selfish one but an important one. It only served to put me one step closer to healing from the excruciating pain she caused me. The way I saw it there were only two ways that step could be taken. The preferred was to see the two of us working past it together, the other was to not live with her lie anymore. She chose which one I did for me. 

My opinion is that problems in a marriage should be kept private and dealt with and this is no exception. It wasn't until I decided there was no marriage to work on that I decided to expose her. 

One way or another, I needed some relief from it. Even now she is defiant, has thrown the kids in the ditch along with me, and is playing such a good victim. Exposing her is little comfort from that but it was necessary for me.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's situational, really.

I reluctantly exposed to my mother at the urging of one of my buddies (the only person I'd told at that point). I didn't do it for the sake of exposure itself or even w/ any sort of strategy in mind... I did it because I needed to hear my mother's voice and needed to hear her tell me that she loved me. (Yeah, I'm a huge Mama's boy...)

My wife exposed herself further about a week and a half later because she thought she was losing me. I couldn't see it at the time, but later on I realized that said a lot about how remorseful she was (and still is).


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

i also think what happens in a marriage is between the parties. Families tend to have long memories and will hold grudges. So, if there is a R then, you have people who will continue to view the cheating spouse with negativity. 

But I also, think when things are going bad you need support. A few choice family members and friends, maybe able to help support the marriage and if not, then give you support at least.


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Yeah each situation is different. But I think exposing is nothing more than an act of revenge. I've never been cheated on in my marriage but if I were I'd like to think I'd keep it between us and maybe a very few very close friends of mine.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BeachGuy said:


> Yeah each situation is different. But I think exposing is nothing more than an act of revenge. I've never been cheated on in my marriage but if I were I'd like to think I'd keep it between us and maybe a very few very close friends of mine.



Exposure will sometimes help to pull the WS out of his or her "fog" and come back to the marriage. It's not always about revenge.

To be fair, though, it's probably motivated by revenge in a good deal of cases.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If I were in this situation I wouldn't expose him to family if we were staying together. If he left me or wouldn't stop seeing the women or feeling remorse and the marriage was ending then I would tell people why it was ending, because he cheated. I would also make sure my children knew too (they are teens) so I wouldn't get the blame for breaking up the family. Some counselors would probably recommended against doing that but that's what I would do. People are going to ask why we are divorcing and would just be honest.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yes. But only to family and friends....so they know the truth and so your SO cannot spread lies about why the marriage went under. It's more to protect your rep and expose the truth, rather than for revenge. 

I have mixed feelings about exposing to your SO's workplace. If you live in a state where alimony is mandatory and you get your spouse fired...you're screwed. You will be shelling out half your income each month if you divorce them.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Yeah each situation is different. But I think exposing is nothing more than an act of revenge. I've never been cheated on in my marriage but if I were I'd like to think I'd keep it between us and maybe a very few very close friends of mine.


Yeah....well...you'll sing a different tune if you ever are cheated on. Believe me.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Yeah each situation is different. But I think exposing is nothing more than an act of revenge. I've never been cheated on in my marriage but if I were I'd like to think I'd keep it between us and maybe a very few very close friends of mine.


Or an act of self-defence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I agree this is situational to each case of infidelity. I chose to reconcile and exposing would have done nothing for me. I exposed the OM to his wife, I did this for me and I believe she had the right to know. I didn't expose OM for revenge, that is entirely a different matter. I did speak to my sister and tell her, but then she confessed to cheating on her husband for the last fourteen years. 

My sister confessing broke my heart even more, she was the one person I thought I could go to, heh, think again. Exposing to anyone else I think would only harm our reconciliation. Friends and family would view my wife differently after exposure. I view my sister differently after her confession. Further exposure while reconciling will only shame the WS. If you are reconciling it is obvious the WS is remorseful and deserving of a second chance. 

Exposing to save the marriage would mean your WS is not remorseful and divorce not sought out. You can save a marriage with exposure, but I find that to be scary as you want the WS to be remorseful of their own accord and not because you exposed. If I divorced, I believe I would only expose to her parents and mine, just so the truth be told. It is my opinion that the parents know the truth of why we are divorcing. Friends and other family don't really need to know unless lies are being told.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah....well...you'll sing a different tune if you ever are cheated on. Believe me.


I doubt it. I'm not confrontational. Besides I wish my wife would cheat on me so she'd let this divorce happen. I could care less.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I doubt it. I'm not confrontational. Besides I wish my wife would cheat on me so she'd let this divorce happen. I could care less.


I'm talking about future relationships. Hope it never happens to you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

drifting on said:


> I agree this is situational to each case of infidelity. I chose to reconcile and exposing would have done nothing for me. I exposed the OM to his wife, I did this for me and I believe she had the right to know. I didn't expose OM for revenge, that is entirely a different matter. I did speak to my sister and tell her, but then she confessed to cheating on her husband for the last fourteen years.
> 
> My sister confessing broke my heart even more, she was the one person I thought I could go to, heh, think again. Exposing to anyone else I think would only harm our reconciliation. Friends and family would view my wife differently after exposure. I view my sister differently after her confession. Further exposure while reconciling will only shame the WS. If you are reconciling it is obvious the WS is remorseful and deserving of a second chance.
> 
> ...


Fifteen years? Fifteen years?

HOLY FVCK!!!!

How have you refrained from choking her unconscious? Is her husband staying with her? Have you started up a thread on this?


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I am for exposing in most cases. I do understand there is probably situations where this might not be the best to do but I really find it hard to not. I don't believe it is mostly for revenge. To often cheaters are the ones that reverse the situation and blame the BS. So the BS become a victim twice. 

If they didn't want all the attention then why did they cheat in the first place. 

C


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Having been blindsided and totally oblivious to both of my XW's affairs, more especially my RSXW, I can only speculate.

With XW #1, it took a painstaking investigation into a world of circumstantial evidence which eventually led to hardcore physical evidence against her, but it evoked no confession from her, only to have her expedite the divorce process. When her Dad, whom I dearly loved, called me the first time to inquire why his daughter had filed for D, my initial response in telling him was "to ask her!" He responded by saying that "I did, but got no where, like she was avoiding me!"

When I related to him the sordid truth, he was in a state of disbelief and could not comprehend that his darling daughter could ever stoop that morally low! Much later, he queried her about it to the point that she blew up and told him that it was none of his effing business and he just left it at that!

We remained close, even through the D all the way into my second marriage to my RSXW and up until his death only a few years ago! He was an exceptionally good Christian man!

My RSXW indeed blindsided me with her cheating, concealing it so damned well that I never had the first clue that it was even going on! The rhetorical hypothetical question here is that, had I known of it, would I have brought it to my inlaw's knowledge? Not to her elderly mother as she was so frail and often in bad heart health! The only person I may have even shared it with might be her younger brother who I had a pretty good relationship with!

Her inlaw's were a loving, accepting clan and I miss them so much, even to this very day. But now knowing the sordid truth behind my RSXW's secret sexual escapades, and upon the advice of my IC as well as my Pastor, I promised them to leave it in God's hands, having assurances that it would be dealt with by Him in time! I would have loved to have given then all of the damning physical evidence that I recovered against her, but whenever a family member is summarily attacked, no matter how convincing that the evidence against them is, there is an expected certainly that with extremely rare exception, that "blood is thicker than water" and that to solidify family unity, her jaded lies would be preferable to them rather than the evidence of the absolute truth!

I know that there are plenty of stories that she has richly spun to her family and friends to justify the D, the vast majority of it either self-serving lies or innuendo, and to this date we pretty well treat each other with the mantra of "out of sight ~ out of mind," having not spoken to each other in more than a year! And I think that's the way that I'd like to keep it! 

Let's just say that I never want to knowingly be in her presence ever again! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I'm always in the expose far and wide category. I exposed far and wide right away and when I finally files for divorce no one in her family would support her money wise so I go 50 50 custody of my son and 0 child support.

My wife works with a guy who did not expose and I bit him in the ass hard, a month after he caught her she told everyone he beats her (he doesn't) so everyone hates him and if he says she's a cheater no one will beleive him.

I always tell to expose. No good reason not to.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Arb, I remember chastising you for not exposing and laying out the truth, but I realize now that it would have changed nothing and you probably would have ended up looking like the spiteful ex that she painted you to be. 

I believe the truth of who she is will eventually come to the surface. He life is a septic tank, and the sh!t must eventually rise to the top and eventually clog up the works. Her new husband will most likely be the next beneficiary of her evil, and I cannot say I feel sorry for him. But she is not going to stop. She has a taste for cheating now. Men are nothing but playthings to her... You were a placeholder...nothing more. And tihis current husband is the same. He thinks he's got the world by the balls, except he doesn't know that she has his balls in a jar...on a mantelpiece next to other jars full of nads that she has cut off her past lovers. I'm glad you grew yours back Arb. 

When the truth does come, and she is eventually exposed for the pig she is, I fully expect you to be getting calls from old friends and in-laws, asking if cheating was the reason she split with you. I think that day will come. Your vindication will come.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Exposure will sometimes help to pull the WS out of his or her "fog" and come back to the marriage. It's not always about revenge.
> 
> To be fair, though, it's probably motivated by revenge in a good deal of cases.


My uncle (my mother's brother) had an affair several years ago, and my aunt (his wife) exposed to the family. He has 4 siblings, and they all came down on him, HARD. And my grandfather gave him absolute hell. 

Without going into all the detail, it did work eventually. My uncle saw how we all rallied around my aunt, and eventually it got through the fog. They were able to reconcile, but it's been a challenge for them. He's been working every day to regain her trust and earn back her love.

My aunt is one tough lady.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Arb, I remember chastising you for not exposing and laying out the truth, but I realize now that it would have changed nothing and you probably would have ended up looking like the spiteful ex that she painted you to be.
> 
> I believe the truth of who she is will eventually come to the surface. He life is a septic tank, and the sh!t must eventually rise to the top and eventually clog up the works. Her new husband will most likely be the next beneficiary of her evil, and I cannot say I feel sorry for him. But she is not going to stop. She has a taste for cheating now. Men are nothing but playthings to her... You were a placeholder...nothing more. And tihis current husband is the same. He thinks he's got the world by the balls, except he doesn't know that she has his balls in a jar...on a mantelpiece next to other jars full of nads that she has cut off her past lovers. I'm glad you grew yours back Arb.
> 
> When the truth does come, and she is eventually exposed for the pig she is, I fully expect you to be getting calls from old friends and in-laws, asking if cheating was the reason she split with you. I think that day will come. Your vindication will come.


*The word I'm receiving about her new hubby from friends and associates over in her home city is that he's an absolute "wuss!" Knowing what I know now, I cannot help but feel sorry for the poor, unsuspecting guy!

It really makes me wonder if she had him ink a "prenup" like she did me, foremostly to protect her millions; and then use it against him at some point in time when she feels justified in "splitting the sheets" to go after whatever assets he has, and a hefty life insurance policy to boot, on his unsuspecting a$$, with her being named the sole beneficiary!

Now would I be correct in calling that a "black widow" or a "green widow?"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Fifteen years? Fifteen years?
> 
> HOLY FVCK!!!!
> 
> How have you refrained from choking her unconscious? Is her husband staying with her? Have you started up a thread on this?




Worst night of my life Bandit, I met my sister about 9pm and left at 920pm, I drove around until I arrived home at 3am. It was the most hopeless I had ever felt, I grabbed my weapon and sat at my kitchen table, put the weapon under my chin tight to my adams apple and gently squeezed the trigger. The weapon jammed and I'm still here, I don't know if I have more to accomplish or if I'm to endure more pain. 

Her husband knows and she is almost through the divorce process. I did find out her affair partner cheated on her though. Can't say I was sorry or couldn't see that coming. Probably won't start a thread. 

Sorry for the thread jack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Worst night of my life Bandit, I met my sister about 9pm and left at 920pm, I drove around until I arrived home at 3am. It was the most hopeless I had ever felt, I grabbed my weapon and sat at my kitchen table, put the weapon under my chin tight to my adams apple and gently squeezed the trigger. The weapon jammed and I'm still here, I don't know if I have more to accomplish or if I'm to endure more pain.
> 
> Her husband knows and she is almost through the divorce process. I did find out her affair partner cheated on her though. Can't say I was sorry or couldn't see that coming. Probably won't start a thread.
> 
> ...


Bvll****. You need to start a thread on this bro. You need to talk about this and get perspective. This is fvcking huge and you need support.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm for exposure but it depends on the family members and friends.

The WS earned any embarrassment and needs to face what they did. Betrayal harms much and there is a lot of work to own it and repair the damage.

Cheating doesn't just destroy trust of the BS. Trust is earned and families and friends, not idiot family, should be informed of what is going on.

Part of building a new marriage is actually building a new marriage.

Hiding it doesn't allow for a new foundation to be laid to start again.

I am for facing your evil to overcome it. I have seen it work better than any other method.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I say wear that "A" on your shirt cuz bad behavior has consequence.

Sure it sucks everyone is going to look at her differently, but hey they are not married to her...I am and so now we both have that albatross around our neck.


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with justified revenge, IMO.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Anne,

I believe strongly in exposure for these reasons

1) It provides support for the person who has been betrayed, normally the betrayed spouse goes into a corner alone and dies spiritually with them revealing what happened to virtually none.

2) It puts the blame for the cheating on the cheater, there will be no "we broke up because we grew apart" excuse on the part of the unfaithful.

3) It prevents the betrayed spouse from being the last to know and short circuits the gossip circuit.

4) It prevent the cheater from appearing in public with "some new person they just met".

5) It creates a powerful example to your children of not giving up or laying down.

6) It makes it less likely your children will love or respect the OM/OW, they are enemies of their family.

7) The cheater does not deserve an untarnished reputation with family or friends.

8) You have more eyes on the cheater to look for wayward behavior.

9) It is a good purgative for cheating behavior, it should sting and it should hurt, just like you never touch a wasp nest twice. The cheater can choose their behavior but not the consequences.

10) If it ends up in divorce, you have a cautionary tale to tell any future prospective spouses.

11) In the case of persons in positions of trust and responsibility it prevents their being able to abuse their powers in the future. Think of the cops, coaches, personal trainers, teachers, ministers and doctors who use the personal connections they have with people under distress to get laid. In saying this I understand that the majority of people in those professionals do not abuse their positions and do good for humanity.

12) It also prevents unthinking persons or unknowing persons from inviting you and the OM/OW or their families to the same party.

Stick with the facts and tell the truth, no OM or OW wants to be in the witness stand committing perjury, a crime in and of itself, when charging you with slander.

Tamat


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Bvll****. You need to start a thread on this bro. You need to talk about this and get perspective. This is fvcking huge and you need support.


Given the fact that you attempted to take your life after speaking w/ your sister, @drifting on, I'm inclined to agree w/ bandit on this.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am for full and complete exposure in every instance by the WS. If they are unprepared to do that then anything else is a waste of time and energy with the exception of the other BS, if there is one. They have a right to know what they are up against.

I believe that exposing themselves is a crucial step in taking responsibility and accepting consequences and I further believe that it is a strong indicator of their sincerity both in being remorseful and pursuing R.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

TAMees thank you for your sincere replies. My SIL is going thru hell right now. My BIL asked for a divorce at lunch because he wanted to be alone. What my SIL found out, he has been cheating for 6 months or so with a family friend. Now he is claiming their are just friends. MY in-laws came to visit this weekend. It was so troubling to see that strong girl talking with tears in her eyes. Her hands shaking, it tore us all to our core. We never expected this from my BIL.

MY SIL is trying to save her marriage, she only told us and his aunt. But the OW's mother told my MIL about the affair. MY MIL was so mad. MY husband and I had a serious talk about cutting all contact with OW. But he is so protective of her. Refusing to cut contact.

Now the OW has the nerve to call my husband and my BIL kids to say they are just friends and nothing is going on. Let say my husband had a few choice words for her. 

I told my SIL to give him 1 week, then, blow his cover. No more protecting him because he is not protecting her. 

I was seconding guessing my advice. Thank you all.

No problem about about jacking thread. This is for all of us to share our experiences so we can all learn. Take care of yourselves guys. These selfish people are not worthy of your love or your time.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> TAMees thank you for your sincere replies. My SIL is going thru hell right now. My BIL asked for a divorce at lunch because he wanted to be alone. What my SIL found out, he has been cheating for 6 months or so with a family friend. Now he is claiming their are just friends. MY in-laws came to visit this weekend. It was so troubling to see that strong girl talking with tears in her eyes. Her hands shaking, it tore us all to our core. We never expected this from my BIL.
> 
> MY SIL is trying to save her marriage, she only told us and his aunt. But the OW's mother told my MIL about the affair. MY MIL was so mad. MY husband and I had a serious talk about cutting all contact with OW. But he is so protective of her. Refusing to cut contact.
> 
> ...


Uhhh... who is this OW to your husband?


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> TAMees thank you for your sincere replies. My SIL is going thru hell right now. My BIL asked for a divorce at lunch because he wanted to be alone. What my SIL found out, he has been cheating for 6 months or so with a family friend. Now he is claiming their are just friends. MY in-laws came to visit this weekend. It was so troubling to see that strong girl talking with tears in her eyes. Her hands shaking, it tore us all to our core. We never expected this from my BIL.
> 
> MY SIL is trying to save her marriage, she only told us and his aunt. But the OW's mother told my MIL about the affair. MY MIL was so mad. MY husband and I had a serious talk about cutting all contact with OW. But he is so protective of her. Refusing to cut contact.
> 
> ...




In this case I would suggest doing the exposure, my case was different in many ways. He appears to be in the fog (even though I hate this term) and not seeing clearly. His thoughts are clouded with the OW, but perhaps the exposure will jolt him back to reality. I will pray you all get the ending you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Gus, she is an old family friend to him. MY husbands family and OW family knew each other from the old country. That is why my BIL is claiming that nothing is going on, they are just friend. She got my husband's # from his cheating brother.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> Gus, she is an old family friend to him. MY husbands family and OW family knew each other from the old country. That is why my BIL is claiming that nothing is going on, they are just friend. She got my husband's # from his cheating brother.


Sounds like this old "friendship" should've stayed in the "old country".


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Yep.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I did exposure in my case.
I agree exposure is situational.

I did not do it out of revenge.

I was in panic mode, I was scared, a knee jerk reaction and I mean I told everyone, except our 7 year old son at the time.
The exposure was the only thing i did right before I found this site.

the first person I exposed was OM, I went to his house at 10:00 pm in a snow storm, he lived way out in the sticks he was shock I knew where he lived; We are both so lucky he did not say anything smart.

It worked for me It killed the affair, (affairs do not like the light of day)
The exposure gave me much needed support


----------

