# How much time is reasonable to spend with your in-laws?



## jakesmom

Hello! I am currently struggling a bit with what a reasonable expectation is on spending time with my boyfriend's family. We have been dating for just over 6 months - the relationship is very serious, and we have been talking about moving in together at some point this year. Everything in our relationship is fantastic - the only time we seem to have any tension is when it comes to his family.

To give some context, my boyfriend and I both grew up in the same city in another province, and have since relocated to our current city for our careers. My boyfriend's parents, brother, sister-in-law and their 2 children also live in our current city - so my first concern when I met him was that his parents packed up and relocated here after retiring to be closer to their two sons. My majority of my immediate family still lives in my home province which is 7 hours away - the only family member I have here is my sister.

When my boyfriend and I started dating late last year, and his family was very kind in inviting me to join them for Christmas and his SIL's birthday party. At the time, I was also preparing to move into a new house and was in a very stressful job, so had a lot on my plate and really valued my free time. After Christmas, I did tell my boyfriend that I needed to focus on my move and not take up my whole weekend with social events (with family or friends). I also said that moving forward, I felt a family event once a month for me personally was enough, but that he was welcome to spend time with them whenever he wants. His parents fortunately went to the US for about 2 months, so I have not had to spend time with them until this month. I should also note that my parents have visited twice, so he has had limited interactions with them. Being in different cities, there is the obvious imbalance between our two families - but my boyfriend did have the audacity to say he has been doing more things with my family than his own (and stood corrected!).

Pre-move, I was frustrated in feeling that we always had to go to them. His parents live in a suburb about 45 minutes away from me, and like to eat at a specific time to accommodate the two grandkids. For me, it feels very rushed and like I have to pack everything in on my weekends to get out to their house for a 5pm dinner. We have been invited on a few occassions to go out for Sunday dinners, and I have declined as it cuts into my weekend and takes up a lot of time with the drive, when I have to be at work the next day. My boyfriend and I do not want children and I have no understanding of what it's like to have kids, so I struggle to understand why there can't be some flexibility to accommodate others (ie. Can we not eat at 5:30 or 6pm?) and it feels like there is an assumption that we are always available and have nothing else to do because we don't have kids.

Now that they are back from the US, I immediately have anxiety about the frequency of their requests to spend time with us. The most recent example was Mother's Day. I agreed to go to brunch with his family - they left their planning to the last minute, so ended up with (what I thought) was a very early brunch time at a location quite far from my house (I actually live at the opposite end of the city to my boyfriend and his family, but he spends the weekends at my house). What shoud have been a 20-30 minute drive took 40, so we arrived 10 minutes late to find that the rest of the family had already started eating and the excuse of, "You know, there's kids...so we can't wait." The meal was quite frankly disgusting, and the two kids spent most of the meal playing with their food (so I struggle to understand why the need to eat on time when the kids barely eat anything!). When we were leaving, MIL thanked us and said we should come out for dinner next weekend. AND that BIL was having MIL and FIL over for dinner that night. AND come back again for FIL's birthday dinner in two weeks! Once we got in the car, I told my boyfriend that it was one weekend or the other, and that I was not willing to go to family events for 3 weekends in a row. To expect us to drive 40 minutes each way for brunch, go home for 4 hours, and then drive all the way back for dinner on one day is a bit ridiculous. I feel like you give them an inch in accepting one invitation, and they take a mile and bombard you with more.

I don't dislike his family, but I also feel like we have limited common interests other than my boyfriend, and I don't like people being forced on me. His mother does slightly annoy me (she is a former special needs teacher, so speaks to everyone like they are special needs children - I'm 33, you can speak to me like an adult!) - but I recognize that at least they are being nice and I could have it a lot worse! 

At this point, I am trying to figure out how to manage:

- Establishing appropriate boundaries for the amount of time I am expected to spend with his family. I am not limiting my boyfriend in how much time he wants to spend with them - I just don't feel it's necessary to be there all the time when we have only been together for 6 months. Is once-a-month on average a fair compromise?

- How to ask them to accommodate our schedules and be more flexible to meet us in the middle some of the time? ie. Being flexible with the times that we meet, and where we meet - neither of us want to spend our weekends driving all over the city. Why can't we occassionally meet in a more central location? I know that even my boyfriend has his own frustrations with this. How can I help him to take the initiative, and plan some get-togethers that would suit our schedule and interests as well?

I would welcome any advice! I really do care about this guy and want things to work out for us. I am trying to be respectful of the differences in our families - I am independent but also very close with my parents. When we are together, I value our time together because we don't get as much as I would like, and it doesn't feel like a chore to be around my parents as we have a very strong friendship. I do enjoy myself when I am with my boyfriend's family, but I also have my own life/home/full-time job to maintain, that I don't want to always set aside to do things with his family, when I have limited spare time myself and really only get to spend quality time with my boyfriend on the weekends.


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## soulpotato

Boy does that sound familiar! I guess it comes down to whatever BOTH people are comfortable with. Though there's definitely such a thing as TOO MUCH FAMILY TIME, and that sounds like what you're dealing with! I asked my therapist about this particular thing, too, and she thought once a month sounded fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07

It sounds like your boyfriend is very close with his family and that they tend to spend a lot of time together. This is something you need to realize now, as it will not change in the future and he will likely expect you to come to the family gatherings. There is nothing wrong with having a close-knit family, but it seems as though you don't have that same connection with your own family and you're not used to that lifestyle.

My husband's family lives about half an hour away and we see them at least a few times a month. My husband has a very close knit family, which I am happy about, and it never bothers me to make time for them. I see my own family about twice a month as well. Once a month for us, would not be enough family time. Both my husband and I feel that family is very important, so we make sure to see our family regularly. 

What does your boyfriend think is a reasonable amount of family time? This is something important to discuss, because if you get married, you not only marry him, but his family as well. They come as a package. This is something you both need to agree on, or there will only be more problems in the future.


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## jakesmom

Thanks Anonymous07 and soulpotato 

I should be clear that I do have a good relationship with my family - however, they are 7 hours away by car. If they were closer, I would see them a lot more often, and I do speak with my parents, brother and sister at least once a week, and see my sister more often as we live in the same city.

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I had a discussion about what we both felt were reasonable expectations on family time. I proposed one event a month, and he could pick what he would like me to come to and when he would like some time with them on his own.

However, there have been a couple of times where I have had appointments pre-booked - with his family being a fair distance away from my neighbourhood and wanting to eat at a specific time, I have asked if they could be flexible and push dinner out by half an hour so I could eat with everyone. My boyfriend seemed to think that they wouldn't want to do that and felt uncomfortable asking, so in these cases he has gone on his own. If it were a special occassion, I would be willing to reschedule. But if it's just casual, should I be expected to always feel like I have to reschedule my plans? Or feel guilty if I don't want to frequently reorganize my weekends? I guess these are instances where I would like to see some compromise in the future (not ALL of the time - but meeting in the middle on occassion). I don't need to always be in control, but am not comfortable feeling like my evenings and weekends are out of my control either. I just want there to be some balance! (I'm a Libra LOL )

He agreed that I was being more than fair, and admitted he saw his family about once a month prior to meeting me. There have been times when he has declined the Sunday dinners as well - he finds it too hectic with the two little kids, comes home grumpy and tired, and would prefer to decompress before work on Monday. So I do question if he does in fact want to spend as much time with them as they want to with him...or if he feels bad saying no (hence why he won't ask to push back meal times occassionally, etc.)

I've come to the realization that if we want to have a compromise on the times and locations of our get-togethers, then my boyfriend and I need to take the initiative with some of the planning, and not always wait for them to invite us when the gatherings will be on their terms. For example, my boyfriend's birthday is approaching, so rather than having to do the 45 minute drive to the suburbs for dinner at the IL's, I suggested we plan a kid-free dinner at a nice restaurant at a central location, and invite both family and friends. We're giving everyone lots of notice so they can find sitters, and everyone seems happy about having a night out and a break from cooking!

This is definitely something that will need to be revisited if we move in together this year, and continue to progress our relationship - which I really want to with him!


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## Mavash.

I'm cringing thinking what happens when YOU have kids of your own? Will he still spend 1.5 hours a week driving back and forth to see his parents leaving you home to deal with kids? Will the existing grand kids schedules always trump you or is it their ages?


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## jakesmom

Hi Mavash - thankfully neither of us want children! 

I think for now, the schedule will be dictated by his niece and nephew, who are 3 and 15 months - as long as it's his family doing the planning, and not us. I'm trying to encourage him to plan some things with just us and his parents - he actually said today that they would drive to meet us for lunch or dinner if we wanted, and I think he would like it if we were able to catch up sometimes without the distraction of the kids.


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## MyrnaLoy

Has anyone mentioned being upset by you guys turning down invitations? It sounds like your boyfriend is fine with you not going and that they haven't voiced a problem with it either. 

I think you are completely right in thinking that you will have to initiate the invitation if you want it to work more in your favor. They might just be inviting you guys but not expecting you to come out every time. My family invites everyone to everything--just because we want everyone to feel included. Some people are busier than others (or just don't want to come, lol) and that's fine. They might just not want to be rude by *not* inviting you if they're seeing his brother's family. 

As a mom, it is usually easiest for young children to follow a schedule. How strict a family is to following that schedule depends on the parents and the needs of the kids. They probably don't want to eat at 6 because the kids (with the parents' help) need to get ready for bed at a certain time, not really because they eat any more at 5pm than they do at 6. Right now we won't really stay out past 6:30, because our kids are on a schedule and will get tired and cranky after 7. So if we invite anyone out to dinner, it will be for 5pm too. If people want to do it later, we just can't, or we invite them to our house so we can still put the kids down at their bedtime. So once again, it is reasonable since they are the ones doing the inviting, for them to schedule it around their grandkids. It is also reasonable for you to not want to arrange your schedule around kids that aren't yours. 

This was a long post just to say that I agree with you.  Invite them out at a time and place that works well for you.


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