# Wife bought a vibrator



## PatJourno (Dec 24, 2017)

First point here 

Context: My wife and I have known each other for 7 years now and been married for 4 years now. Things were great initially when we were dating and shortly after getting married. Both of us had come out of separate marriages when we met. We fell in love and here we are years later.

Baby: We got pregnant on our honeymoon (didn't plan it) and we have a wonderful baby girl. Our sex life prior to this was GREAT. After the baby was born things changed. Mrs no longer wanted to have sex and even if we did, it seems that it's on her terms. My job situation shortly changed shortly after the baby was born and I started a small business. To my wife, I spent more attention on the business than her. Naturally a young business required lots of nurturing but I tried my best to spend quality time with the family throughout all this especially in the last 2 years. The presence of the business became an issue over the years and she withdrew emotionally, mentally and sexually. We both agree that without the baby we might have divorced at that point. We've gone for counselling in the last year or so and our marriage has definitely improved since then. Our sex life too but I'm lucky to have sex once or twice a month at the moment. Infrequent oral sex - It's seen as a ''treat'' in her eyes. Things used to be worse.

Issue: I REALLY miss intimacy. Like anyone in a relationship, sex is something that helps with that connection. So far 1) we're having more sex than before which still isn't enough I think 2) sex is conditional. 

We've been talking about being more creative in the bedroom given the counselling sessions we attended. We've used sex toys before in our marriage. I've been voicing my concerns about our sex life a lot more lately and Mrs responds by telling me that her libido isn't where it used to be. A few days ago while visiting family, my wife bought herself a vibrator. We hadn't discussed this beforehand so it came as a bit of a shock to me. For someone who doesn't want to have sex (with me (my interpretation and I could be wrong right?)) and now she has something to help her with that aspect of her sex life. I'm confused and I guess I'm trying to make sense of all this. Am I just being insecure or being silly? Any thoughts to help me out?

Update: I shared my thoughts on the purchase and days later the Mrs still hasn't shown me this vibrator or spoken about this. She had initially suggested that we go to the sex store to purchase things we can use together. I brought it up several times but she didn't seem interested after I expressed my reservation on the initial purchase. Should I be worried? What does this mean?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Maybe she bought the vibrator for both of you.If you use it on her and she gets aroused then it can only improve things in your bedroom. Don’t see this as a slight on your manhood,see it as a key to unlock a door.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with @Andy1001 - IF, she mostly uses it with you, and not mostly alone. The latter would be a red flag, IMO.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> I agree with @Andy1001 - IF, she mostly uses it with you, *and not mostly alone. The latter would be a red flag,* IMO.


Agreed on the bolded. The way I always looked at it, if you she is spending more alone time with her toy then intimate time with you, that is a huge problem. There is also the risk that even if she uses it solo periodically, that may be enough to scratch that itch where she isn't as likely to pursue/initiate with you.

Maybe just come to an agreement, at least at the start, that it is only to be used when you guys are together, and go from there?


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## PatJourno (Dec 24, 2017)

When I discussed this with her initially, she dismissed my fears as a spur of the moment purchase. She suggested that we go shopping for something we can use together. So....I think she has HER toy. As I shared my feelings further, she says I was trying to make her feel bad for buying a vibrator without discussing it with me. 



EllisRedding said:


> Agreed on the bolded. The way I always looked at it, if you she is spending more alone time with her toy then intimate time with you, that is a huge problem. There is also the risk that even if she uses it solo periodically, that may be enough to scratch that itch where she isn't as likely to pursue/initiate with you.
> 
> Maybe just come to an agreement, at least at the start, that it is only to be used when you guys are together, and go from there?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Provided that the vibrator was bought for your joint enjoyment, I don’t readily see a problem!

And even if she occasionally pleasured herself alone in private, it would be far less worrisome to you than her pleasuring herself with some other man’s appendage off in some distant hotel room!

Given your situation, I would wholeheartedly recommend MC or joint sexual therapy!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Important question here - did she buy it openly and discuss it openly with you, or did she get it on the down-low and try to keep it a secret from you? 

That's a very important question to answer because it shows intent. 

If you were driving by a sex shop and she says, "hey let's go get a vibrator and we can try it out tonight!" that shows it was something to do together as a couple for the mutual benefit and pleasure of both of you.

If you didn't know a thing about it and you found it hidden in the back of her underwear drawer and she has been using it on the down-low, that means that she is having a sex life outside of you and keeping her sexuality separate from you.

This really is kind of like swinging vs cheating. 

If it's upfront, all out on the table and something that is done together from the mutual benefit of both, it can be fun and bonding and mutually beneficial. 

If it is something that is done completely separately and in secret (while knowing full well that you want to have a better sex life) then it is a bright, red, glowing red flag flapping in the wind.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok bottom line many women have trouble achieving orgasm. Use it on her as fore play. Buy a we-vibe it is a vibrator for use during sex. Takes getting used to but well worth it. If you deliver mind blowing orgasms for her and make sure her emotional needs are met you will most likely see an uptick in sex from want to not have to. 

Young children are hard on women's libido. Was starting your own business a mutual decision? Or did you decide and inform her?

Do you know her love language?

Most women I know ( mid forties) would rather have a vibrator used on them then self use. The younger set maybe different. It can be hard as many have some mental issues or embarrassment that they have to get past to truly enjoy sex. And they have to turn their brains off which can also be hard.

Don't let the buying deter you. Whether she bought it foot self use or use together just plan on making it a together thing. I wish I could buy a toy that was as effective on my husband as vibrators are on women.

Did she buy a bullet, or a dildo? You can always buy a bully which you can place on top of the clitoris during sex.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sorry for the second post. To directly answer your question don't feel bad about this she's giving you a gift. She's letting you know she needs more to be satisfied. It should only make you insecure if your not willing to work on satisfying her. 

Do you ever masterbate? Would you stop if you could have sex and an orgasm whenever you wanted?

What would you do if every time you had sex half way through she stopped before you came and then acted hurt you didn't come?

I took it that she told you about her purchase (after) but if not I'd still use it.


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## Chisox (Dec 24, 2017)

From the responses, this is a sex obsessed culture. Using these things such as sex toys are only going to hurt your relationship.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think sex toys are like porn. Fine and maybe very positive if used as a couple, OK if used alone, but NOT if they are being used INSTEAD of sex with a partner.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When married ex-wife had all sorts of toys, was happy to play with her using most of them. Some were... a little disturbing however. *shivers*

Your wife got a vibrator? Yay! Be worried when she starts getting stuff like anal beads and strap ons... unless you're into that sort of thing.


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## KatrinaR (Nov 10, 2017)

Obviously, the issue is not the toy itself, but what precipitated its purchase (good or bad) and what led to the infrequency and limited variety you have been experiencing. It is great that you are talking, trying and having more sex. That is further than most make it, so good for you both. That doesn't mean that it is easy, as you know. Sometimes it is easier to create that change by leaning on a guiding outside influence. I hope that is what your counselor will be for you both. Another option would be a service like ourspice.org which helps provide relationships with the elements found in sexually satisfying long-term relationships. Whatever works best for you, remember that intimacy is not something that always "just happens" naturally. Generally speaking, it is something that you build toward with the little things in life like providing support and letting your partner know that you are thinking of them in both flirtatious and non-flirtatious ways. Keep them forward in your thoughts and actions and they will respond in kind over time, helping nurture back what you once had. Best of luck.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Vibrators are a great addition to the bedroom. Now your jaw muscles won't cramp up on those occasions where she wants her yammie chomped on for 40 minutes. A good strong vibe, like the egg, knocks that job out in 3-4 minutes. They're awesome.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Consider tickling.

She might like the use the vibrator on herself, certainly. But if you use the vibrator on her the sensations she gets are different than those she gets if she uses it on her.

Just as if she was trying to tickle herself versus you tickling her. It is not the same at all.

Not the same at all.

If you are afraid of the vibrator and treat it as a threat and a competitor, then there is something very amiss in your thinking.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

PatJourno said:


> A few days ago while visiting family, my wife bought herself a vibrator. We hadn't discussed this beforehand so it came as a bit of a shock to me. For someone who doesn't want to have sex (with me (my interpretation and I could be wrong right?)) and now she has something to help her with that aspect of her sex life. I'm confused and I guess I'm trying to make sense of all this. Am I just being insecure or being silly? Any thoughts to help me out?


Surprised nobody's really brought up the possibility that she bought it in order to try and jump-start her libido. IMO, this seems to be the most likely scenario, given that she was open about it. If she kept it hidden from you, that'd be another story.

Now, speaking from experience here (two wives, neither had owned a sex toy before) - allow her the privacy to experiment and play by herself. It can quickly become a bone of contention (no pun intended).

Now, my ex wife and I did not have a healthy sexual relationship (or relationship in general). We bought her vibrator together, it wasn't a secret. It's usage, however, absolutely was. She had never had an orgasm in her life until she had this toy, and thus, it became a solo thing for her. To the point where, on at least one occasion that I know of, she rejected me for sex, went to run a bath immediately after, and you can figure out the rest. The bathroom in this old house shared a wall with the bedroom, and the walls were paper thin. Our sexual frequency decreased by about 50% that first year after she bought this toy, and she refused to use it with me. It took about a year until she incorporated it into our sex life, and even then, it was only used after intercourse/I was done. Never during sex. But at least she used it in front of me at this point.

My current wife was somewhat reluctant/embarrassed to use it with me at first, but it didn't take long. She never had any problems with orgasms, she had just never owned a sex toy before. Our sex life neither increased nor decreased after she bought it, but for the first 3 months or so, she was masturbating several times a week, in addition to our normal amount of sex.

However - on one occasion that I know of, she also rejected me for sex. I left the house 10-15 minutes later as I had somewhere else to be. I forgot something at home, so I had to turn around. Came back into the house, and I could hear her.

You have to be prepared for things like that. Even if you never "catch" your wife masturbating without you even if you're readily available for sex, it'll likely happen. I mean, men - don't pretend you've never masturbated with your wife in the house, somewhere.

The reality is, a vibrator is quick and easy, and no mess (generally). My wife can get to orgasm in a minute or less. Sometimes you're just not in the mood for everything that goes with sex, even if it's just a quickie. But an orgasm in a minute or two, then go back to whatever you were doing? Great.

I've said this before in other threads - masturbation and sex are not the same thing. Sometimes we (men AND women) want one and not the other.

And better yet, a vibrator is not a penis (or tongue, or hand...). Ask any woman. It's not the same thing. I'd be FAR more concerned if my wife turned me down for sex, then immediately went upstairs and brought out a non-vibrating dildo.

These days, my wife seems to mainly use her vibrator(s) with me present. Sometimes it's part of sex, sometimes it's just a mutual masturbation session. If she uses it on her own (which I don't think she does very often at all) - I'm okay with that. It hasn't affected our sex life negatively that I'm aware of. It did with my ex wife, however. YMMV.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

alexm said:


> And better yet, a vibrator is not a penis (or tongue, or hand...). Ask any woman. It's not the same thing. I'd be FAR more concerned if my wife turned me down for sex, then immediately went upstairs and *brought out a non-vibrating dildo.*
> 
> .


So, if the dildo was vibrating then the above would be ok lol?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> So, if the dildo was vibrating then the above would be ok lol?


Perhaps the thought being a non-vibrating dildo is similar to a man's penis?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Perhaps the thought being a non-vibrating dildo is similar to a man's penis?


Could be. However, I would think in the example Alex made, the W rejecting her H to then go pleasure herself (regardless of how she pleasures herself) would be a huge issue. Shouldn't really matter if batteries are required :grin2:


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Perhaps the thought being a non-vibrating dildo is similar to a man's penis?


My wife LOVES her egg vibrator. It's strong and gets the job done VERY fast. It's amazing how quick she orgasms. I love to have two fingers in her when it happens. I can feel the contractions of her orgasm and it's a HUGE turn on for me. She hates the penis-shaped vibrators/dildo's because she said if she wants penetrated then she wants me. I love that. I have to admit, however, that if she wanted one of those lifelike non-vibrating dildos that was basically an artificial penis, another man's artificial penis, then no, I would not like that one bit.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I would say awesome....If you are working a lot and have a business it may be something to help spark a fire for you. Let her or both of you guys to use it and see if it gets her going. Encourage her!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

VermiciousKnid said:


> My wife LOVES her egg vibrator. It's strong and gets the job done VERY fast. It's amazing how quick she orgasms. I love to have two fingers in her when it happens. I can feel the contractions of her orgasm and it's a HUGE turn on for me. She hates the penis-shaped vibrators/dildo's because she said if she wants penetrated then she wants me. I love that. I have to admit, however, that if she wanted one of those lifelike non-vibrating dildos that was basically an artificial penis, another man's artificial penis, then no, I would not like that one bit.


My W and I have tried the toys. My W much prefers the toys I've been born with. :grin2: I would think if my W preferred the Log Jam'in sized artificial non-vibrating dildo penis my self-esteem would not fair well. :surprise:


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> My W and I have tried the toys. My W much prefers the toys I've been born with. :grin2: I would think if my W preferred the Log Jam'in sized artificial non-vibrating dildo penis my self-esteem would not fair well. :surprise:


I agree. We both had a good laugh once when I finally got her to go into the sex shop with me. That's where we bought her the egg. Anyway, one of the humongous lifelike dildos was called "The Black Mamba". We cracked up at that. It was like 14" long and as thick as your forearm. I don't want to judge but any woman stuffing themselves with that needs to get some help.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It isn't necessarily for women.....




VermiciousKnid said:


> I agree. We both had a good laugh once when I finally got her to go into the sex shop with me. That's where we bought her the egg. Anyway, one of the humongous lifelike dildos was called "The Black Mamba". We cracked up at that. It was like 14" long and as thick as your forearm. I don't want to judge but any woman stuffing themselves with that needs to get some help.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> It isn't necessarily for women.....


LOL! I guess I hadn't thought of that. I can't imagine the dude that could take that thing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> It isn't necessarily for women.....


Something you would like to talk about? LOL


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EllisRedding said:


> Could be. However, I would think in the example Alex made, the W rejecting her H to then go pleasure herself (regardless of how she pleasures herself) would be a huge issue. Shouldn't really matter if batteries are required :grin2:


A vibrator does what no man (or woman) can do. A dildo is literally a penis replacement.

Follow?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

alexm said:


> A vibrator does what no man (or woman) can do. A dildo is literally a penis replacement.
> 
> Follow?


I guess i just don't see why it matters. If your W rejects you sexually but then goes to take care of herself instead, it shouldn't matter whether she is using a vibrator or a loaf of bread. She is choosing an object to satisfy her while rejecting you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see it that way. To me its whether she is turning me down and getting satisfaction some other way. I don't care if its with her fingers or with a sex robot. The only additional step I care about is if it is with an actual thinking person. 






alexm said:


> A vibrator does what no man (or woman) can do. A dildo is literally a penis replacement.
> 
> Follow?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Maybe consider putting as much energy/time into your romance/sex as you do your business?
Im sure your planning like 1-2 months ahead, or 1-2 projects ahead for your business. Are you doing that for your relationship? Are you planning dates and surprising her, etc..?

I strongly suggest you read these two books, they are both like 2.5 hour reads;
No more mr nice guy
and
Hold on to your NUTS


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

PatJourno said:


> First point here
> 
> Context: My wife and I have known each other for 7 years now and been married for 4 years now. Things were great initially when we were dating and shortly after getting married. Both of us had come out of separate marriages when we met. We fell in love and here we are years later.
> 
> ...



For many women, after having children, their hormones have changed and the sex drive drops and only time the hormones may bounce back or they never will and she needs meds.

Could also be she is worried about getting pregnant again. Birth control, condoms, many forms or contraception out there, so no excuses.


I've bought Mrs.CuddleBug an 8.5 inch male member with suction cup, high end G spot / clit vibrator and high end egg vibrator. I placed them in her night stand beside her bed, so one day, she will use them and maybe it will kick start her sex drive. I don't ask her, I just bought the best and snuck them in her nightstand as a surprise.:grin2:


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think you need to grab that power tool and start singing John Fogerty: "Oh, put me in coach, I'm ready to play today".


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## PatJourno (Dec 24, 2017)

I often feel like she's emotionally unavailable eg prefers to be on her phone on WhatsApp, FB etc. I've been trying but I feel like I'm competing for attention most times. I've been working so much on our marriage in the last 2 years. I make time and do a lot of family activities tho




Steve2.0 said:


> Maybe consider putting as much energy/time into your romance/sex as you do your business?
> Im sure your planning like 1-2 months ahead, or 1-2 projects ahead for your business. Are you doing that for your relationship? Are you planning dates and surprising her, etc..?
> 
> I strongly suggest you read these two books, they are both like 2.5 hour reads;
> ...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, clearly she is very horny and needs to cum enough to buy a vibrator.
The coincident fact that you are not getting laid...must mean she does not want sex with you.
That is a bad situation. What if she gets so horny, that she starts trying to find a new man to augment that vibrator? Or if she is using the vibrator while video chatting with men online?

If she were masturbating some times, and you were both getting laid an adequate number of times....it would be of no consequence at all. But since you are denied sex....i think you had better investigate it a whole lot more.

Has she ever complained of pain during intercourse? Are you aware of any past sexual abuse she endured? A professional counselor might be needed.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I agree. We both had a good laugh once when I finally got her to go into the sex shop with me. That's where we bought her the egg. Anyway, one of the humongous lifelike dildos was called "The Black Mamba". We cracked up at that. It was like 14" long and as thick as your forearm. I don't want to judge but any woman stuffing themselves with that needs to get some help.


it is a big step for a woman to enter a sex shop. But there are plenty of online places to shop, like amazon, or adam and eve....take her on a virtual trip THERE first.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Pat i am very surprised no one has bought this up earlier. You mentioned that she is on FB and WhatsApp have you considered the posibillty she might be having an affair? I am a firm believer that when sex dries up in a marriage barring the diagnoses of a medical issue by a professional that the occurance of a possible affair should always discreetly be looked into. Does she keep a pin on her phone? Does she take it everywhere with her and appear to have it well guarded?

Additionally do not believe the nonsense Refuser Spouses give about them having no sex drive. Most people have a sex drive unless medically unhealthy. The fact that your wife bought a vibrator proves that she does indeed have a sex drive. Unfortunately for whatever reason just not for you. Don't buy into the crap that it was bought for you. If it was then she would of most definately used it by now not kept it hidden away in a draw only to be found by accident.

Look into the possible affair scenario just don't let on to her that you are doing so.


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