# Living with Depressed Spouse



## snowpeak (Jun 20, 2013)

Hello, 
I've been reading here for several months and would like to get some outside advice. I have been married for 18 years to my husband and we have four kids. I will start off by saying that our marriage has never been awesome and has always been very hard work. While there are numerous issues, I am having an increasingly difficult time dealing with the constant state of depression that my husband is in. He has been treated off and on with antidepressants and have never really seen any improvements. He has a multitude of other medical/pain issues that contribute to his mood as well. I just feel completely and totally tapped out in being able to be a supportive, empathetic wife. I am honestly feeling pretty resentful of how his moods affect the entire household. The tension and sadness is almost palpable everyday when he walks in the door from work. He is not interested in getting professional help for the depression as he believes that the depression stems from our poor relationship and my lack of support and love towards him. I will own that I tend to retreat when I see him angry/sad. I don't have much interest in being around him because he is so difficult to be around due to either sadness or anger. I realize depression is an illness, but how do live with this? I feel like I am now getting depressed and can't imagine living this way for the rest of our lives. I need to know if I am being a cold heartless person or if it is valid that I am considering separation because of these issues.
Thanks for reading...


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Walking on eggshells everyday not knowing your spouses mood is a terrible way to live. It effects everything you do, you even start questioning if your the problem. 
Your not wrong. You deserve to be happy and not held hostage by your significant others mood swings. Life is too short.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

I could have written your post. I just posted a new thread and you worded it so much better. I am 55 and feel like I have wasted so much life. It will be a struggle, but think of waking up to a new day with a positive outlook instead of the drudgery of depression.
It is sad he will not take responsibility to do something about it, but you have given him more than enough time!! 

Do not feel guilty. If you're not happy, he will never be.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suffered from depression for years and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I sought help though and my husband supported that.

I learned (while healing) not to let my moods affect him.

Had I not done that he should have left me because I was like a sinking ship.

You are not cold for considering leaving.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Spouses of those with mental illness is a group that really seems to be invisible as part of our mental health system. The person closest to the depressed person lives with that person and his/her illness day in and day out, often with no support. You are not a bad person for how you feel. Being 'tapped out' is an excellent way to describe it. And it is definitely hard on marriages. I remember reading a statistic that marriages with one spouse with major depression have a divorce rate 9 times higher than average. 

It is vitally important that you realize these things:

1.) Depression is an illness, and the ill person needs to choose to seek treatment and to follow through on that treatment, just like a diabetic, or someone with heart disease. You can't force him to get help. The old "leading a horse to water" and all that.
2.) You have to practice self-care or your own mental health will suffer. Spouses of people with major depressive disorder run a very real risk of developing their own situational depression. Make sure you do things outside the home to refill your fuel tanks. It sounds bad, but there is a certain amount of detachment you need to achieve for your own survival. 
3.) Do some research and support-seeking. I always recommend this book and blog, as they both helped me a ton with my depressed Ex. Unfortunately, I found these resources too late. 
Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond: Anne Sheffield: 9780060009342: Amazon.com: Books
There is also a forum on the related website.

The other thing is this blog, which is written by a man recovering from his own severe depression. Reading his insights as a depressed husband was very enlightening, as are the comments from those who respond.
Relationships in Crisis - Storied Mind

Look in your area for support groups for those with family members with depression. Perhaps there's a NAMI chapter in your area. 

I write this as someone who has had depression herself, and who's had a spouse and other family members with it as well.


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## snowpeak (Jun 20, 2013)

Thank you so much for the replies and advice everyone! I am going to start reading the recommended book tonight. I am so scared to pull the trigger and ask for a divorce because of our four young children, but most of the time I feel like I'm being sucked under and am dying inside. I am also not sure a divorce is helpful- I escape the situation, but what about the kids? I just feel like I'm trying to make a decision between 2 sucky situations. Which is the least miserable? Stay with a spouse that I feel is sucking me dry emotionally, but the kids are in a 2 parent home or escape the darkness and potentially ruin my kids childhood and have them blame me for ripping our family apart?? Good grief, why does this marriage gig have to be so hard??
Thanks again! Anymore advice is more than welcome...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Snow -- it is a tough decision. I held on to my ex when things were at their worst (he has more going on besides depression, but that's all that was really diagnosed at the time), and I ended up just like what you're describing. Taking care of him, and trying to keep life 'normal' for him and our son became my life. I was an empty husk. He ended up leaving, and because I hadn't looked out for myself, it was waaaay harder to start over. 

What I didn't realize, and have since learned, is that it _is_ definitely tough on kids when their parents divorce. But it's not good for kids to have two depressed parents. I was a much worse mother to my son when I was trying to hold everything together. My ex is not really better in many ways, but I am. My son has stability with me that he doesn't remember having when we were together. That's important.

I know it's different because my ex dumped me for someone else, and you are thinking of leaving -- not because of someone else -- so I'm not outright encouraging divorce. But I strongly, strongly recommend talking to a child therapist and explaining your home situation in as much detail as you can, and get some advice on how to help your kids, even while you're still together. My mom was an undiagnosed depressive, and it had a big effect on our family. 

Good luck, sweetie!! ((hugs))


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I suffer with debilitating anxiety and depression. I wasn't medicated for it until recently. I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem until I hit rock bottom last year.

I wouldn't wish your position on anyone. I don't know how or why my husband stayed with me. I certainly made his life difficult. Depression is a soul sucking disease. I couldnt think or care about anyone else. I was consumed with my hate for myself. I wanted to die.

What made me seek help, wasn't my marraige, but my two young kids. I saw the innocence on their faces, I heard them call for me and I knew they needed me. I saw what I would do to them if I ever went through with the unthinkable. I knew I had to give them a better version of myself because I didn't want them to get sucked into my illness. My fear that they might turn into me by witnessing my depression is what spurred me to get help. 

I wish my husband had given me a kick in the @ss much earlier, to be honest. He tried his best to pacify me and make me feel better. His focus should have been on protecting himself and the kids. It would have hurt to hear him give me an ultimatum but I like to think that I would have sought help if pushed to. The babying didn't real help me.

Don't feel bad for thinking about leaving. Your first job has to be the kids best interest now. Having them constantly exposed to the negativity and anger isn't good for them. Maybe if you begin to leave, it will spark him to seek help. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigblackboots (Jun 27, 2013)

I am going through the same thing right now.

My wife suffers from depression as well.

I was not aware though until about 3 years into our marriage.

About 7 years ago, she started to progressively get worse. Not wanting to do things, sleeping all day, not helping around the house, letting kids run the show, etc.

But she would be able to wake up every morning and trot off to work and be on time and be productive for 8 hours and then come home.

I am thinking that was the one thing that held her back from going over the cliff.

Unfortunately, she was laid off due to restructuring and with it ended a 22 year stretch of safety blanket. She says she is going to take the summer off and then look for work, but I am scared she wont due to the unknown.

She is scared to go to grocery stores, banks, call people, beaches, and the list goes on.

She is now home alone with the kids and after not even two weeks of that, she is freaking out. Cant handle it.

Before I got married, I was romantic, spontaneous, loving, thoughtful. Now I am a different person. I am always expecting her to bark at me or complain, so even if she doesn't, I am on the defensive and snippy.

She has a couple vices that make her feel better. Shopping and home improvement. We cant afford either and our house has almost been foreclosed on twice. She has gone through about 300k in the last 2 years.

I tricked her into seeing a therapist. Our middle son was having behavior issues and I got her to bring him in with me. The sessions quickly turned from the child needing help, to marriage counseling. After a couple weeks, I was no longer required to go as they were working on her depression.

The specialist though is kinda on my s**t list now. Every time I am in the session, he throws blame at me saying that I am too angry and am acidic to the relationship. That I need to understand that this is a disease and I should treat it as such.

I am sorry, but I have been through this for too long. I do all the work, while she sleeps all day. I clean the house, I bring the kids to swimming, golf, cub scouts, club meetings, tennis, friends houses, birthday parties, walks parks, etc. I am the one who pays the bills (the ones I have money for). And then after all of it, she nags me that I am not doing it right. Don't wash her clothes, I do it wrong. Why did the DirecTV get shut off, call them and get it back on.

I understand your pain. I am seriously thinking this is the end and the only thing really holding me back are my 3 children. I have even more fear that if I DO leave her, she will get custody and have to live with what I want to be free of.

I have read many articles where the husband/wife stayed with the depressed spouse because they had children and the children grew up resentful of that parent. They are mad they stayed and forced everyone to be miserable.

Not sure if this helps you at all. If anything, know you are not alone and we are all confused and torn.

All I know, is I have not been happy for a long time and I miss my old self.


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