# I think I have to divorce my wife



## lp86

So the short version of my story is that I'm at the point of feeling like I have to divorce my wife while she is pregnant with our first child. I feel like a jerk.

I'll go ahead and word vomit the long version here in more detail. Forgive me, because this is all stuff that I largely keep to myself and don't generally discuss frequently in great detail.

I'm 35 and my wife is 29, married for 4 years.My wife is addicted to heroin. I myself don't use drugs, never have. I've smoked pot and sure I experimented with other things in high school and college, but never the hard stuff. Everyone naturally assumes that I must be an addict too because why would I marry this woman otherwise? My wife's from a good family, is educated, physically beautiful, but she's a junkie. It hurts to say that and it took me a long time to be able to say it to myself let alone out loud, but that's what she is these days. Her addiction started long before she met me, but she'd been clean for a number of years by then. She didn't tell me about her past problems until we were well into a relationship and by that time I was in love with her. She didn't look or act like what I imagined a typical heroin addict would look and act like. She convinced me it was well in the past and she had control over it and I'm really not that naive but I allowed myself to just be deluded into believing that somehow things would be different for her and it would never be a problem for her again. Looking at her, back then, you couldn't imagine this girl putting that stuff in her body. She worked out, ate healthy, had a good job and seemed "together" in practically every way.

About a year into our marriage she relapsed and started using again. She couldn't keep it hidden from me for long. Looking back, I probably should have just realized that it was hopeless ad left her then before I could get mentally screwed up and sucked in by all of it.But I didn't leave. I stayed and got angry and bitter. We fought a lot, but then other times she seemed normal and those moment were enough to keep me hanging on. She agreed to go to rehab (actually went 2 times). I've done the naranon meetings and chat groups and stuff in the past. She's had blips of being clean over the past 3 years, but it never lasts. 

A month ago she confesses to me she's 12 weeks pregnant, had known about it for over a month, and had been using heroin the entire time. The level of disgust and rage I had is beyond what I can put into words. I can't tell you if it was more at her or at myself for staying with her all this time, for having sex with her, for allowing this to happen.

I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.

So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together. It's a lot to ask for and I'm not sure I can go on with this relationship knowing that no matter how great it seems, and it was really great for those first few years, it could all go to hell at any time. I know all about co-dependence and I'm not saying I'm not affected by that, but I felt this way about her before she started using again, so it can't all be chalked up to that. I also worry about divorcing her and having to share custody of this child. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand not knowing what is going on when our baby is with her. If she can knowlingly shoot up while pregnant what's going to step her from doing anything if the craving strikes when there's an actual child there with her?

I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense. Not to ignore any of those aspects, but I'm really just depressed about what's happened to my wife, to our marriage, to our future. At the core of it, I'm just struggling with the idea of realizing that I probably have to divorce her for my own sanity and possibly for her own sake, even though it's not what my heart wants to do. Addiction can't possibly be the only reason someone could find themselves in this position. How do you finally take that definitive step when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming at youto not do it? And I've said all this and not even touched on the crazy world of custody issues and all of the unknowns and frustrating information I've gathered thus far on that front.


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## BeyondRepair007

lp86 said:


> So the short version of my story is that I'm at the point of feeling like I have to divorce my wife while she is pregnant with our first child. I feel like a jerk.
> 
> I'll go ahead and word vomit the long version here in more detail. Forgive me, because this is all stuff that I largely keep to myself and don't generally discuss frequently in great detail.
> 
> I'm 35 and my wife is 29, married for 4 years.My wife is addicted to heroin. I myself don't use drugs, never have. I've smoked pot and sure I experimented with other things in high school and college, but never the hard stuff. Everyone naturally assumes that I must be an addict too because why would I marry this woman otherwise? My wife's from a good family, is educated, physically beautiful, but she's a junkie. It hurts to say that and it took me a long time to be able to say it to myself let alone out loud, but that's what she is these days. Her addiction started long before she met me, but she'd been clean for a number of years by then. She didn't tell me about her past problems until we were well into a relationship and by that time I was in love with her. She didn't look or act like what I imagined a typical heroin addict would look and act like. She convinced me it was well in the past and she had control over it and I'm really not that naive but I allowed myself to just be deluded into believing that somehow things would be different for her and it would never be a problem for her again. Looking at her, back then, you couldn't imagine this girl putting that stuff in her body. She worked out, ate healthy, had a good job and seemed "together" in practically every way.
> 
> About a year into our marriage she relapsed and started using again. She couldn't keep it hidden from me for long. Looking back, I probably should have just realized that it was hopeless ad left her then before I could get mentally screwed up and sucked in by all of it.But I didn't leave. I stayed and got angry and bitter. We fought a lot, but then other times she seemed normal and those moment were enough to keep me hanging on. She agreed to go to rehab (actually went 2 times). I've done the naranon meetings and chat groups and stuff in the past. She's had blips of being clean over the past 3 years, but it never lasts.
> 
> A month ago she confesses to me she's 12 weeks pregnant, had known about it for over a month, and had been using heroin the entire time. The level of disgust and rage I had is beyond what I can put into words. I can't tell you if it was more at her or at myself for staying with her all this time, for having sex with her, for allowing this to happen.
> 
> I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.
> 
> So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together. It's a lot to ask for and I'm not sure I can go on with this relationship knowing that no matter how great it seems, and it was really great for those first few years, it could all go to hell at any time. I know all about co-dependence and I'm not saying I'm not affected by that, but I felt this way about her before she started using again, so it can't all be chalked up to that. I also worry about divorcing her and having to share custody of this child. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand not knowing what is going on when our baby is with her. If she can knowlingly shoot up while pregnant what's going to step her from doing anything if the craving strikes when there's an actual child there with her?
> 
> I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense. Not to ignore any of those aspects, but I'm really just depressed about what's happened to my wife, to our marriage, to our future. At the core of it, I'm just struggling with the idea of realizing that I probably have to divorce her for my own sanity and possibly for her own sake, even though it's not what my heart wants to do. Addiction can't possibly be the only reason someone could find themselves in this position. How do you finally take that definitive step when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming at youto not do it? And I've said all this and not even touched on the crazy world of custody issues and all of the unknowns and frustrating information I've gathered thus far on that front.


@lp86 I can‘t really add any advice, this is way out of my league. But I wanted to mention that TAM has an addition forum that may be of some help you, as a resource if nothing else: 









Relationships and Addiction


Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Personally it seems to me that you’ve done all the right things here. Sometimes a person with an addiction can drag you down with them if you’re not careful. Also, no offense intended but it might be worthwhile to verify the child is yours. As you know, addicts will go to great lengths to feed their addiction.

Best of luck to you!


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## lp86

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @lp86 I can‘t really add any advice, this is way out of my league. But I wanted to mention that TAM has an addition forum that may be of some help you, as a resource if nothing else:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Relationships and Addiction
> 
> 
> Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Personally it seems to me that you’ve done all the right things here. Sometimes a person with an addiction can drag you down with them if you’re not careful. Also, no offense intended but it might be worthwhile to verify the child is yours. As you know, addicts will go to great lengths to feed their addiction.
> 
> Best of luck to you!


Right, I know this is a bit heavy but I appreciate the response. 

No offense taken regarding the paternity comment. Almost everyone I know in real life who is aware of the situation has said the same thing and it's already on my list to do. I don't really think anything like that has been happening but nothing is impossible.


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## Andy1001

lp86 said:


> Right, I know this is a bit heavy but I appreciate the response.
> 
> No offense taken regarding the paternity comment. Almost everyone I know in real life who is aware of the situation has said the same thing and it's already on my list to do. I don't really think anything like that has been happening but nothing is impossible.


Just in case you decide to verify that the baby is yours. You can get a paternity test before the baby is born, once ten weeks have passed a blood sample from both of you can be tested. 
Good luck whatever you decide to do.


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## Divinely Favored

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @lp86 I can‘t really add any advice, this is way out of my league. But I wanted to mention that TAM has an addition forum that may be of some help you, as a resource if nothing else:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Relationships and Addiction
> 
> 
> Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Personally it seems to me that you’ve done all the right things here. Sometimes a person with an addiction can drag you down with them if you’re not careful. Also, no offense intended but it might be worthwhile to verify the child is yours. As you know, addicts will go to great lengths to feed their addiction.
> 
> Best of luck to you!


I was a parole officer and I had one guy that was a co-founder of the arian circle gang. He said once, he kind of scares himself at the degrading things he makes these girls in their 20s do for dope. If they don't have money, he will have them screw other guys or multiple guys for the dope.


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## BeyondRepair007

Divinely Favored said:


> I was a parole officer and I had one guy that was a co-founder of the arian circle gang. He said once, he kind of scares himself at the degrading things he makes these girls in their 20s do for dope. If they don't have money, he will have them screw other guys or multiple guys for the dope.


When I read the OP I was reminded of another story of adultery here (I think it was?).

The OP in that situation was much like this OP…the wife had been addicted and fell off the wagon after marriage. In that case she was funding her addiction by keeping the dealer and all his ‘clients’ happy. The OP was devastated. Even after a seemingly full recovery in rehab, the WW immediately went back to the drugs and horrible lifestyle.

Tragic story, I hope _none_ of that repeats here. Addiction is a terrible thing.


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## Diana7

If you do leave please do all you can to protect the child from the drug taking etc.. Get legal advise about getting custody.


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## lp86

Andy1001 said:


> Just in case you decide to verify that the baby is yours. You can get a paternity test before the baby is born, once ten weeks have passed a blood sample from both of you can be tested.
> Good luck whatever you decide to do.


I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.


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## lp86

Divinely Favored said:


> I was a parole officer and I had one guy that was a co-founder of the arian circle gang. He said once, he kind of scares himself at the degrading things he makes these girls in their 20s do for dope. If they don't have money, he will have them screw other guys or multiple guys for the dope.


It definitely happens. Some of the things I’ve heard from other people are even worse - much worse, sickening beyond belief in some cases. The desperation is next level. I can’t say that I’m entirely convinced that sexual favors were never done in exchange in my wife’s case when she was younger. She denies it and I do know where a good chunk of the money came from but I try not to even let my mind go there as far as anything that happened before I even knew her. This time around she’s just financially ruined us.


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## BigDaddyNY

lp86 said:


> I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.


It isn't that you don't trust your wife, you don't trust a addict. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but you can't believe one single thing an addict tells you, not a single thing. 

I'm curious, did her heroin addiction start with a prescription opioid problem?


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## lp86

BigDaddyNY said:


> It isn't that you don't trust your wife, you don't trust a addict. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but you can't believe one single thing an addict tells you, not a single thing.
> 
> I'm curious, did her heroin addiction start with a prescription opioid problem?


She was prescribed opioid painkillers after a sports injury when she was 16. That’s how this all started. She has transitioned to heroin by the time she was 18.


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## BigDaddyNY

lp86 said:


> She was prescribed opioid painkillers after a sports injury when she was 16. That’s how this all started. She has transitioned to heroin by the time she was 18.


Sadly a far too common story. I think divorce and going for primary custody is your best course of action. Do you have any desire to make things work now, or maybe in the future if she gets clean and stays that way?


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## Rob_1

One of the things you need to talk with the Dr. is the probabilities of the child being borne with issues due to the developing fetus being fed drugs. tests should be done to verify this and its consequences for that child if it gets to be borne.

As a junkie. she's in contact with some undesirable individuals where the regular "modus operandi" is to have sex with the female junkie in order for her to get the drug or better deals, so paternity of that child should be established if not voluntarily, then by court order.

And yes, you need to divorce her. If you don't, shame on you. What eventually will be waiting for you won't be pretty, and you would deserve every bit of it for being stupid enough to stay.


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## Divinely Favored

lp86 said:


> I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.


If she freaked out about it, that is all the more reason to do it and a poly too.


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## Ursula

Diana7 said:


> If you do leave please do all you can to protect the child from the drug taking etc.. Get legal advise about getting custody.


This was my first thought as well, and I also just wanted to add that I'm so sorry you're here, @Ip86, but glad that you found us at the same time. This community is a great support system.


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## lp86

Divinely Favored said:


> If she freaked out about it, that is all the more reason to do it and a poly too.


Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


I don't think the polygraph is necessary for your situation. Usually people recommend them when someone is considering reconciling after cheating. But in your situation, it's not even about cheating...you simply cannot stay attached to an addict in any way without polluting and damaging your life as well. You really MUST divorce, or you will be wasting your whole life dealing with the turmoil and self-destruction that she causes.

Does she know that you are going to legally enforce a paternity test if she doesn't cooperate and get one herself?


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## lp86

Diana7 said:


> If you do leave please do all you can to protect the child from the drug taking etc.. Get legal advise about getting custody.


I think this needs to be my priority whether I leave her or not.

If I divorce her a petition for custody and she fights it, there is a good chance that I can get court ordered drug tests included as part of the deal. Since our baby will be born addicted to opiates, I think there is strong grounds and probably cause did the courts to require regular drug testing as part of any custody agreement, but scarily enough there’s no guarantee that this will be required of her unless she screws up and gets arrested or something.


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## Andy1001

lp86 said:


> Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


Don’t bother with a polygraph. Someone who is a habitual liar can pass them without difficulty. And believe me she’s a habitual liar.


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> I don't think the polygraph is necessary for your situation. Usually people recommend them when someone is considering reconciling after cheating. But in your situation, it's not even about cheating...you simply cannot stay attached to an addict in any way without polluting and damaging your life as well. You really MUST divorce, or you will be wasting your whole life dealing with the turmoil and self-destruction that she causes.
> 
> Does she know that you are going to legally enforce a paternity test if she doesn't cooperate and get one herself?


I honestly probably don’t even want to know the truth to everything she’s probably lied about.

She knows I will find out the paternity after the baby is born if she doesn’t agree to it before. I won’t even need a court order at that point just to get a dna test for my own knowledge. She’s going to make me as the father and I will be the presumed father at that point and if I want to swab the inside of ‘my’ child’s cheek I’ll have every right to do it. She said it’s fine and I can do it then but that I’m being “ridiculous” and she will not go get her blood drawn for it. I just don’t get that thought process. Why not just settle it right now? We could know in as little as 3 days! We’ll see what she says when I meet her for her next doctor’s appointment tomorrow.


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## lp86

Andy1001 said:


> Don’t bother with a polygraph. Someone who is a habitual liar can pass them without difficulty. And believe me she’s a habitual liar.


Not news to me. She once told me and several close friends that she had been diagnosed with a fatal disease just for the fun of it all I guess. I’m freaking out, calling her doctor trying to figure out what we’re going to do for treatment and to find out what the hell was going on. The doctor knew nothing about it. It was all a lie and she was just having a laugh. I had to call all her friends to tell them and we were all completely dumbfounded.


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## gold5932

Honestly, she should be in a inpatient treatment for as long as possible. She needs to learn how to cope without the heroin. Heroin is the hardest to kick and it will be tough going. But I say this with kindness, you need to detach from her or your life will be a living hell. You need to think of the child at all costs. In some states, using while pregnant is against the law. I would go scorched earth on her and not look back. She has to enter treatment immediately.

Have you or her considered abortion? Hard question I know.


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## lp86

gold5932 said:


> Honestly, she should be in a inpatient treatment for as long as possible. She needs to learn how to cope without the heroin. Heroin is the hardest to kick and it will be tough going. But I say this with kindness, you need to detach from her or your life will be a living hell. You need to think of the child at all costs. In some states, using while pregnant is against the law. I would go scorched earth on her and not look back. She has to enter treatment immediately.
> 
> Have you or her considered abortion? Hard question I know.


Yes, but I cannot force her to go to rehab or have an abortion.

She has been to rehab and in a few different treatment programs in the past.


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## DudeInProgress

lp86 said:


> Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


It’s not a question of her agreeing to it, because it’s not a negotiation. If she wants you to consider remaining in this marriage, that’s simply what’s required. 

You get to set your own conditions, and in this scenario both of those items are perfectly reasonable. 
If she refuses, then that should leave no doubt in your mind about what you need to do.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I honestly probably don’t even want to know the truth to everything she’s probably lied about.
> 
> She knows I will find out the paternity after the baby is born if she doesn’t agree to it before. I won’t even need a court order at that point just to get a dna test for my own knowledge. She’s going to make me as the father and I will be the presumed father at that point and if I want to swab the inside of ‘my’ child’s cheek I’ll have every right to do it. She said it’s fine and I can do it then but that I’m being “ridiculous” and she will not go get her blood drawn for it. I just don’t get that thought process. Why not just settle it right now? We could know in as little as 3 days! We’ll see what she says when I meet her for her next doctor’s appointment tomorrow.


Does she know that you are going to end the marriage? What about her family, what do they think?


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> Yes, but I cannot force her to go to rehab or have an abortion.
> 
> She has been to rehab and in a few different treatment programs in the past.


If she has been using while knowing that her child is growing in her body, she is deeply addicted and there is little hope for her to be a responsible, unselfish mother once she has an infant who could die from her bad, self-seeking choices. Suboxone is not a guaranteed "cure", and people actually get addicted to that as well. So in some ways, she could be trading one addiction for the other.

With her history, the hospital will probably test the baby for drugs at birth, and they will take the baby away right from the hospital if they find anything.

The problem is HER -- she isn't the woman you fell in love with and married, she is the ADDICT. There is NO way you can trust her enough to be married to her anymore. She will blacken any bright spot in your life.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

If she is still taking the drugs while pregnant the social services will take the baby off her, as soon as born. See a lawyer to find out your rights so you can take your baby home.


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> Does she know that you are going to end the marriage? What about her family, what do they think?


She knows it’s headed that way but I haven’t told her that I definitely am because I don’t want to say it and not follow through. I’ll hate myself even more if I do that. 

I moved out and limited my contact with her. I just needed to be away from her for a while. But it’s complicated because I want to be involved in the pregnancy and I can’t necessarily trust her to tell me the truth about everything going on so I have to be involved, be at every appointment so I can hear things directly from a doctor and not filtered through her. I’m angry and frustrated but I still love her and it’s hard for me to not respond when she begs me to come see her, when she’s feeling sick, when she’s struggling. Sometimes she lays it in really thick and it’s easier to resist in those moment. Sometimes she says she understand why I feel the way I do and why I had to leave and she’ll be real quiet for a few days then it’s like she can’t stand it anymore and is crying and begging me to come home, saying she’ll do anything. She’s making an effort, compared to a mont or two ago, and I want to support her in that but it’s just not enough. I don’t feel like she’s doing enough.

Her dad remains in denial about just how bad her problems are. It’s his baby girl and he just doesn’t want to admit that this is her reality. He knows she has problems but he bails her out, brushes stuff under the rug, and she definitely puts on the best act for him and it’s like he plays along pretending she’s fine half the time. He thinks maybe this baby will straighten her out and will be a magical cure all. Her mom is more ashamed and works very hard to keep my wife’s problems a secret from everyone even though it’s really no secret at all to everyone. Her entire extended family knows but nobody talks about it. Her mom has blamed me for the pregnancy and even yelled at me “How could you?” As if I raped her or something or did this on purpose.


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## aine

lp86 check out www.soberrecovery.com for family and friends. There is a drugs thread. They have all been through your experience.


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## Divinely Favored

lp86 said:


> Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


Contact local parole office and ask who they use to polygraph their sex offenders. Usually all bigger cities have firms.


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## Rob_1

You don't have to wait until after the baby is born and you being named as the father. If she refuses now you can legally have the hospital take the sample from the baby the moment is born, and paternity will not be adjudicated to you until it's demonstrated that you indeed are the biological parent. Just talk to your lawyer.


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## lifeistooshort

I would tell her directly that either you DNA test now or you'll file right now and you'll get one during the divorce.

Be advised though that some states will not grant a divorce while the wife is pregnant.


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## Evinrude58

you have no choice but to divorce. If you haven’t seen an attorney while you KNOW your wife is poisoning your own child, your weakness and inability to make decisions makes you a poor dad. 

My advice:
See an attorney.
Get your wife thrown in jail where the baby MIGHT have a chance at a normal life.
Divorce your wife immediately.

Even if this isn’t your baby (likely it isn’t), you should still try to save it from its own mother.

there is no way to have a marriage to a heroin addict. It’s impossible. Why have you done nothing? It’s wayyyyyyy past time.


----------



## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.


This may be the best thing while she's pregnant. I recommend that you seek therapy from someone who understands drug addiction and has ideas on what is appropriate for you to do in this situation.



lp86 said:


> So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together.


 This is not crazy. These are normal expectations, however, you know that it's not realistic. What we want and what is possible often don't match up. Wanting something doesn't make you crazy. Acting as if it's true might.



lp86 said:


> I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense.


 Your wife being an addict doesn't make you codependent. It doesn't sound like you are, but that would have to be determined with more information. I don't think that paying the bills is wrong or necessarily codependent, because your wife is pregnant, presumably with your child. You want to protect your child, but he's living inside an addict, so you're doing what you can.



lp86 said:


> I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.


This is pure manipulation. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy. Paternity testing is a consequence of that. Since she refuses now, you can't force her, but she needs to understand that you no longer trust her at all.


lp86 said:


> Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


 You don't need a polygraph. She can probably pass one, even if she is lying, plus you have left her. I hope you don't go back.


lp86 said:


> Her entire extended family knows but nobody talks about it. Her mom has blamed me for the pregnancy and even yelled at me “How could you?” As if I raped her or something or did this on purpose.


It sounds like her family is deeply codependent. They are not going to be of any help to you. They blame you for her problems. That is a recipe for disaster. If you were to stay with her, they would continue this type of behavior against you and make your life even worse. They are helping her avoid responsibility for her actions. With them in her life, she will never get free. They are telling her what she wants to hear and encouraging her to place blame away from herself. I imagine she is eating that up.
It is natural for you to be very emotional about all of this, but you have to let that go and think logically instead - for the sake of this poor child, as well as yourself. Your wife needs to be allowed to experience the consequences of her actions. If you shield her from them, you are codependent and no better than her parents. Don't stuff your feelings. Feel them, then let them pass through you. Then immediately focus on logic and what is the right thing to do in this situation. She is an unrepentant addict. It is not only okay, but preferable to divorce her. You said she's already ruined you financially. Things will only get worse. It is time to get an attorney. Make that your priority. The people here can support your emotionally and give you suggestions, but you also need practical legal help. In order for you and your child to be healthy, you need to form a stable healthy life. You can't do that with an addict.
You should be able to get full custody of the child and she would have supervised visits. Start doing some reading on your state's child protective services website to see what happens in these cases.


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## lp86

Evinrude58 said:


> you have no choice but to divorce. If you haven’t seen an attorney while you KNOW your wife is poisoning your own child, your weakness and inability to make decisions makes you a poor dad.
> 
> My advice:
> See an attorney.
> Get your wife thrown in jail where the baby MIGHT have a chance at a normal life.
> Divorce your wife immediately.
> 
> Even if this isn’t your baby (likely it isn’t), you should still try to save it from its own mother.
> 
> there is no way to have a marriage to a heroin addict. It’s impossible. Why have you done nothing? It’s wayyyyyyy past time.


I never said that I haven’t already consulted with an attorney, but I do understand why most normal people can’t understand why I’m not already long gone. i would have thought the same thing as you 4 or 5 years ago.

In the past I would sometimes pray that she’d get arrested. It’s not as if I can just call the cops and ask them to come take her away. She’s not doing anything illegal (most likely, hopefully) right now. The opioid she’s on now is being prescribed and it’s the safest thing for the pregnancy. I can tell a major difference in her behavior and mannerisms and for the time being I do believe that it is the only opiate she’s taking. It’s still not ideal but right now she’s doing what the doctors and experts advise is best. I do believe that she does feel genuine remorse and guilt that the baby will be born addicted, not that that absolves her at all.

Believe it or not, I do think the baby is mine but not stupid enough to not get proof. I figured out her weakness and she’s “agreed” to allow me to spend $1000 to find out what she already knows (her words). She agreed to a prenatal test this morning after I told her everyone I know plus people I shared this story with online think the baby isn’t mine. So she’s not doing it for me but to prove everyone wrong. I should have approached it that way from the start, knowing that might trigger her. Working on making the soonest available appointment right now before she backs out.


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## bobert

lp86 said:


> I don’t want to say it and not follow through.


One look at your newborn baby in the NICU while suffering from drug withdrawal will be enough for you to hate her even more than you do right now.

Though, if you weren't using condoms while screwing a druggie then you are just as much to blame for the suffering that baby is going to go through for the rest of its life.


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I never said that I haven’t already consulted with an attorney, but I do understand why most normal people can’t understand why I’m not already long gone. i would have thought the same thing as you 4 or 5 years ago.


Have you consulted with an attorney? What did s/he say?
We understand why you're still there. It's unhealthy for you. The longer you are with her, the harder it is to leave. Since you aren't living with her and you aren't responding to her manipulations to go back to her, you have a fighting chance of actually severing the relationship and becoming healthy.



lp86 said:


> In the past I would sometimes pray that she’d get arrested. It’s not as if I can just call the cops and ask them to come take her away. She’s not doing anything illegal (most likely, hopefully) right now.


 Right, but if she does, it would be good for you to call the cops and have her arrested. If she is breaking the law and you are able to have her arrested, that will help your case for full custody of your child.



lp86 said:


> Believe it or not, I do think the baby is mine but not stupid enough to not get proof. I figured out her weakness and she’s “agreed” to allow me to spend $1000 to find out what she already knows (her words). She agreed to a prenatal test this morning after I told her everyone I know plus people I shared this story with online think the baby isn’t mine. So she’s not doing it for me but to prove everyone wrong. I should have approached it that way from the start, knowing that might trigger her. Working on making the soonest available appointment right now before she backs out.


Good job. Don't back down. Personally, I think the baby is most likely yours, but it's important for you to find out for sure.


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## Evinrude58

Please help yourself. You’ve made some effort. You’ve seen an attorney. What was their suggestion? 

you’ve moved out: Positive step. Divorce her and request full custody with the obvious basis that your wife is a heroin addict.

what do at this point should be obvious.


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## Cynthia

It's hard to divorce someone you love, but sometimes we have to go against our emotions in order to make healthy, positive decisions for ourselves and our families. Your child will need a healthy home. You can't give that to him while you are with her, because she will be a danger to your child.


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## Rob_1

lp86 said:


> but I do understand why most normal people can’t understand why I’m not already long gone. i would have thought the same thing as you 4 or 5 years ago.


Just a reminder that as a biological entity in this planet, you seem (like a lot people that are out touch with mother nature this days) to forget that the number one imperative is survival of the fittest, meaning I, me, mine first. You don't see the pray walking toward the predator. Basically that's what you've done...so far. Or at least that's what you are emotionally doing, unable to completely detach, attracted like the moth to the flame. Time to get yourself emotionally out of this mess.


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## lp86

bobert said:


> One look at your newborn baby in the NICU while suffering from drug withdrawal will be enough for you to hate her even more than you do right now.
> 
> Though, if you weren't using condoms while screwing a druggie then you are just as much to blame for the suffering that baby is going to go through for the rest of its life.


Unprotected sex or sex of any sort was not happening on a regular basis; however, I place a great amount of blame for the situation on myself, believe me.


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## lp86

aine said:


> lp86 check out www.soberrecovery.com for family and friends. There is a drugs thread. They have all been through your experience.


I’m aware of that site and the family and friends section is pretty slow but I have gone ahead and posted.

It’s actually hard to find stories of men in my situation. They exist, but I don’t see a lot of people talking about it. If I do find similar stories, the male spouse is often an addict themselves. I did use to communicate with a group of non-addict women (just so happened to all be women) who had addict spouses but that particular site has pretty much died. I’ve been looking around quite a bit online and even amongst addicts it seems like being a pregnant user is taboo and although it’s happening all over the country right now people don’t want to talk about it. I wish my wife would find a support group of some sort, ideally in person locally, but I can’t imagine her ever going. She thinks she is above attending a support group for other pregnant women or mothers who are addicts, Iike they’re all trash and she’s different.


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## DudeInProgress

bobert said:


> Though, if you weren't using condoms while screwing a druggie then you are just as much to blame for the suffering that baby is going to go through for the rest of its life.


If you feel the need to use condoms with your wife (other than some unusual medical situation, bad reactions to pills, IUD etc), that’s a big problem.


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## bobert

DudeInProgress said:


> If you feel the need to use condoms with your wife (other than some unusual medical situation, bad reactions to pills, IUD etc), that’s a big problem.


It's called being responsible. He knew she was a druggie that couldn't stay clean. If he insisted on staying and sleeping with her, the least he could do was avoid pregnancy by using condoms 100% of the time. "Most of the time" doesn't count, and trusting a druggie to stay on BC is beyond stupid.


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## DudeInProgress

bobert said:


> It's called being responsible. He knew she was a druggie that couldn't stay clean. If he insisted on staying and sleeping with her, the least he could do was avoid pregnancy by using condoms 100% of the time. "Most of the time" doesn't count, and trusting a druggie to stay on BC is beyond stupid.


The point is that the moment he needed to use condoms “to be responsible” should have disqualified her from remaining his wife in the first place.


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## bobert

DudeInProgress said:


> The point is that the moment he needed to use condoms “to be responsible” should have disqualified her from remaining his wife in the first place.


I'm not arguing with that.


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## LisaDiane

DudeInProgress said:


> The point is that the moment he needed to use condoms “to be responsible” should have disqualified her from remaining his wife in the first place.


Very true...however we all know how blinding "hopium" can be. These are lessons that often can only be learned through mistakes and regrets...unfortunately.


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## Cynthia

You can't change what you have already done, but you can make better choices in the future. You want to be with her, or the her that was sober, but that isn't possible. Rather than relying on your emotions to make these decisions, use logic and do what you know is right.


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## SunCMars

She may fight you on taking the baby away from her.

The baby will be her cash cow.

If she has an ounce of decency, she will readily give you the child.
We shall see.

As far as you know, is she still taking opiates while pregnant?
As you mentioned, if proven, the courts will award you the child.

Talk to your attorney on how to proceed with legal action, against her keeping/mothering her child.

In any event,_ Child Protective Services_ will need to be alerted, after the birth, if she balks at giving up the baby.

The courts have dealt with these addiction problems for decades, no, for centuries.


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## ABHale

Divorce her and take full custody of the child when born. TN sends moms to jail when their babies are born with drugs in their system.


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## ABHale

lp86 said:


> Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.


You need to have a court order in place before the baby is born. If not, certain states automatically regard the husband as the father of their wife’s child.


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## ABHale

You really need to talk with a lawyer about the laws in your location when it comes to babies born with drugs in their system or addicted. In Tennessee, hospitals are required to inform CPS when this happens. The mother is stripped of their rights until a hearing. The judge I know of permanently removes the mother’s rights in almost all of his cases.


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## lp86

Recap of what the lawyer told me is that it would be wise to move out, set up a separate home of my own, yet remain completely involved in the pregnancy and continue to support and provide basic needs for my wife as a way of showing that I was committed to parenting the child and had already invested in the child’s well-being. I was already doing those things before I spoke with him, although leaving our house was not and still hasn’t been made officially permanent.

He advised that I get a prenatal paternity test for my own piece of mind and so that we could know the facts ahead of time, even if a prenatal test isn’t permissible in court. It will allow us to get ahead of the game.

The state we live in does not automatically arrest pregnant women who use illegal drugs during pregnancy or test positive for them at the hospital after birth. They actually don’t even automatically take a newborn away. CPS will be brought in and will evaluate the situation. If the mother has stopped using the drugs, has been involved in treatment and seeking other services that show (whether genuine or not) that she is making an effort, a newborn could be sent home with her. The CPS case will not be closed at that point and the situation will be monitored. Some babies, maybe even a majority will be taken from the mother, but not all. The general message is that some drug addicted moms are given a chance. It also means that I’m not guaranteed to just waltz out of there with full custody. She also has no official records in the form of criminal records related to her drug use. I hate to say it this way, but it would help my case if there was more “proof” of that sort.


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## lp86

I also went to her appointment today. Everything looks ok right now. We’ll have an ultrasound in 4 weeks. It’s difficult when she appears normal-clean although I know it’s really fake because it’s this maintenance drug just filling her craving without actually getting her high. Somehow I leave the whole thing feeling like **** because she’s begging me to give her a chance and not take her baby away. I want her to have a chance too but a human being isn’t really something you can screw around with. I get sick thinking about divorcing her and the court giving her a “chance” that involves anything beyond completely supervised visits.


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## Evinrude58

Your compassion and love for your wife is a total enemy to the child. You should be absolutely ruthless with her while handling this legally. Your wife has, and still is poisoning her child. You know what she’s going to do after it’s born….. You need to detach. Do the 180.


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## DudeInProgress

lp86 said:


> I also went to her appointment today. Everything looks ok right now. We’ll have an ultrasound in 4 weeks. It’s difficult when she appears normal-clean although I know it’s really fake because it’s this maintenance drug just filling her craving without actually getting her high. Somehow I leave the whole thing feeling like **** because she’s begging me to give her a chance and not take her baby away. I want her to have a chance too but a human being isn’t really something you can screw around with. I get sick thinking about divorcing her and the court giving her a “chance” that involves anything beyond completely supervised visits.


Your situation sucks dude. But so far you seem to be doing the right things so stay the course. Take care of yourself, eat, exercise, work, limit the booze.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I also went to her appointment today. Everything looks ok right now. We’ll have an ultrasound in 4 weeks. It’s difficult when she appears normal-clean although I know it’s really fake because it’s this maintenance drug just filling her craving without actually getting her high. Somehow I leave the whole thing feeling like **** because she’s begging me to give her a chance and not take her baby away. I want her to have a chance too but a human being isn’t really something you can screw around with. I get sick thinking about divorcing her and the court giving her a “chance” that involves anything beyond completely supervised visits.


How do you respond to her when she talks like that and begs you?

It's not going to be helpful to you or the baby to berate yourself over what you should have done differently and the mistakes you've made, or to dwell on regret. Drop all those thoughts and just concentrate on doing the best you can going forward. We ALL make mistakes, we ALL do things that are stupid, and we all have to live with the consequences of our choices...character and success is shown in HOW we live with our consequences and how we learn to do better.


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## Cynthia

Evinrude58 said:


> Your compassion and love for your wife is a total enemy to the child. You should be absolutely ruthless with her while handling this legally. Your wife has, and still is poisoning her child. You know what she’s going to do after it’s born….. You need to detach. Do the 180.


I somewhat agree with @Evinrude58 in that you can't get sucked in with your wife. She truly is positioning your child. This is a horrible situation you are in, but it's worse for your baby. He has nowhere to go and is fully dependent upon your wife. However, you have to be careful (aka: walk on eggshells), because she is not stable and you don't want her to do something worse than what she's already done, which she may do in response to her life falling apart. 
Based on this, I would keep doing what you are regards to attending appointments and following the legal advice you got, while also telling her that this is a stressful time for you and you can't make any promises and you aren't going to go home. You have to see how things go and what happens with the baby before making any decisions. This should placate her enough and give you the space you need at the same time.

I love what @LisaDiane said. Don't dwell on what has happened. Dwell on today, taking one step forward at a time. I don't know why I'm surprised when I do stupid things. We are human. We are all far from perfect.


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## Evinrude58

I agree, keep what you’re doing and don’t shake things up until the baby is born. Just don’t be weak and wait once it is. A baby should never be exposed to a heroin addict. It’s just too dangerous.


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## lp86

Evinrude58 said:


> Your compassion and love for your wife is a total enemy to the child. You should be absolutely ruthless with her while handling this legally. Your wife has, and still is poisoning her child. You know what she’s going to do after it’s born….. You need to detach. Do the 180.


You’re not totally wrong, about me at least.

As far as her poisoning the baby, yes she did. What she’s doing now is not ideal in the sense that there are still opiates pumping through the baby’s system which wouldn’t be a thing if she hadn’t been using heroin in the first place, but it’s the safest option given the circumstances. For those who aren’t aware, it is not advised to completely withdraw from opiates when pregnant. That is what she’d prefer to do now and I believe she’s genuine. She doesn’t enjoy the way the Suboxone makes her feel and she does feel guilt and shame about doing it to the baby. If she continues to take only what is prescribed, at least there is good chance the baby will go to term, be in a normal weight range, experience milder and shorter withdraw, and possibly not have any withdraw symptoms if we get really really lucky. I don’t say any of this to defend her, but I know that most people thankfully don’t have experience with this and might not be aware that this is what the experts advise.


----------



## Evinrude58

lp86 said:


> You’re not totally wrong, about me at least.
> 
> As far as her poisoning the baby, yes she did. What she’s doing now is not ideal in the sense that there are still opiates pumping through the baby’s system which wouldn’t be a thing if she hadn’t been using heroin in the first place, but it’s the safest option given the circumstances. For those who aren’t aware, it is not advised to completely withdraw from opiates when pregnant. That is what she’d prefer to do now and I believe she’s genuine. She doesn’t enjoy the way the Suboxone makes her feel and she does feel guilt and shame about doing it to the baby. If she continues to take only what is prescribed, at least there is good chance the baby will go to term, be in a normal weight range, experience milder and shorter withdraw, and possibly not have any withdraw symptoms if we get really really lucky. I don’t say any of this to defend her, but I know that most people thankfully don’t have experience with this and might not be aware that this is what the experts advise.


It’s so sad. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Your wife is likely not some monster, but she’s an addict. You love your wife.
It would be awesome if she’d stop the heroin.


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> How do you respond to her when she talks like that and begs you?


I spend most of the time being quiet trying not to fly off the handle at her. I have been mean and frustrated with most of my responses.

Yesterday I let her know that I am happy that she’s following the doctor’s instructions, but that I feel like she’s doing the bare minimum and not showing the type of effort that would make me believe she’s truly committed to getting clean. I don’t want to take her baby from her and I would like for my child to have his or her mother in their life and for her to be a normal, healthy, trustworthy parent. I don’t want to see her fail. I’m in this strange situation where I want her to succeed and I want to help and encourage her but at the same time I feel like I might just be setting her up in the perfect position to easily manipulate those who may feel she is deserving of a chance with this baby when maybe she might not be ready yet.


----------



## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I spend most of the time being quiet trying not to fly off the handle at her. I have been mean and frustrated with most of my responses.
> 
> Yesterday I let her know that I am happy that she’s following the doctor’s instructions, but that I feel like she’s doing the bare minimum and not showing the type of effort that would make me believe she’s truly committed to getting clean. I don’t want to take her baby from her and I would like for my child to have his or her mother in their life and for her to be a normal, healthy, trustworthy parent. I don’t want to see her fail. I’m in this strange situation where I want her to succeed and I want to help and encourage her but at the same time I feel like I might just be setting her up in the perfect position to easily manipulate those who may feel she is deserving of a chance with this baby when maybe she might not be ready yet.


If your wife is truly repentant, it will be many years before you know it for sure, and even then she could relapse. Addiction is a terrible thing. It's amazing how quickly a person can fall right back into it. I once went from not smoking for a couple of years to having a cigarette with a friend, picking up a pack on the way home, and continuing right where I left off. I quit for good 29 years ago this month.

It is way too soon to trust her. I know you want to, but it's not reasonable. Leaving her alone with a newborn is not reasonable. It is your responsibility to protect your child, even if it's from your wife.

I understand that this seems like a very mean thing to do to your wife, but it's not about her. This is not a doll. This is a living human being who needs to be protected. Your wife may not be malicious, but that doesn't mean she's not dangerous. Again, these decisions can't be made out of emotion. This must be addressed from a logical point of view or things are going to go terribly wrong.

Having strong boundaries set up will not harm your wife. It will help her to stay on track and to be a good mother, while at the same time protecting your child. Your wife should want this for her child. If she doesn't, that is another reason to be extremely wary of her.


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## Rob_1

lp86 said:


> have experience with this and might not be aware that this is what the experts advise.


have the experts also told you the implications during fetal development? the possibilities of genetic derailments in the developing fetus? The life long implications for that child and his care if it comes to full term? what would happen to the child if when older gets exposed to drugs, how his body most likely is going to react going forward in relationship to drugs? I think that if they haven't told you some of these aspects, then they need to give you an exposition of the possibilities to deal with as the child grows due to Meth being neurotoxic. Your child (if yours) might develop normal, but your wife was "using" at the beginning of the pregnancy and still is feeding the child opiates (albeit small controlled quantities), but it could lead to predisposition for later in life. So I guess you already are aware of these implications, but just in case I'm mentioning them.


----------



## lp86

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s so sad. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Your wife is likely not some monster, but she’s an addict. You love your wife.
> It would be awesome if she’d stop the heroin.


I think when you say somebody is an addict, namely heroin, one automatically pictures this soulless disgusting, dirty, disease ridden troll-like person with scabs all over their arms, living under a bridge and sharing needles. I know that’s what I use to think of all of them. Some are that way, but that’s not my wife. It could be her future though. She’s a far more complex person than that and if you saw her with your own eyes right now you’d never know what she was struggling with.


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I think when you say somebody is an addict, namely heroin, one automatically pictures this soulless disgusting, dirty, disease ridden troll-like person with scabs all over their arms, living under a bridge and sharing needles. I know that’s what I use to think of all of them. Some are that way, but that’s not my wife. It could be her future though. She’s a far more complex person than that and if you saw her with your own eyes right now you’d never know what she was struggling with.


^^^^^^
This is one of the reasons you are struggling with your new reality. You had a picture in your mind of a heroin addict. Your wife doesn't match that picture, so you are having a difficult time reconciling the image of what you envision an addict to be and what your wife really is like. She is still beautiful to you and you know so much of her good side, but the addiction is a monster that has a hold of her. She is not who she wants to be or who you think she can be. She is an addict and is therefore a danger to you and your child. Look what she's done to you. She didn't do it on purpose. She wasn't trying to destroy your finances or your life. But she did. And now you are the one picking up the pieces and trying to make a life for yourself and your child. She is not in control. The addiction is.

If she stays the path of sobriety, it will be years before you can trust her even a little bit, but I personally wouldn't ever leave her alone with a child until that child is old enough to know what to do something bad happens while he's with his mother.


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## Rob_1

lp86 said:


> *She’s a far more complex person than that* and if you saw her with your own eyes right now you’d never know what she was struggling with.


No she's not, she's like anybody else. She just hasn't reach that level (yet), or she might never reach that level. You are rationalizing and looking at her through your biased perceptions of her due to your emotional involvement. Certainly, I have never met her nor I know who she is, but there's not need in order to ascertain a common human biological response trait. You could be the most high functioning individual in the world, but if you're and addict to some kind of drug, them the psychosomatic responses within the individual are pretty much a patron within humans. So, please, let's not deluge with biases.


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## lp86

Rob_1 said:


> No she's not, she's like anybody else. She just hasn't reach that level (yet), or she might never reach that level. You are rationalizing and looking at her through your biased perceptions of her due to your emotional involvement. Certainly, I have never met her nor I know who she is, but there's not need in order to ascertain a common human biological response trait. You could be the most high functioning individual in the world, but if you're and addict to some kind of drug, them the psychosomatic responses within the individual are pretty much a patron within humans. So, please, let's not deluge with biases.


In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.

I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.

I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.


----------



## Rob_1

lp86 said:


> In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent,


Sorry, but I did not mean to convey that. What I meant was that from a pure physiological/mental point of view, she's just like any other human when it comes to the psychosomatics' response of one's body. Pretty similar, but all a little different due unique individuals' physiology, but all within a patron for humans. We just see the different stages to which an individual has fallen to. But all of them are complex persons as anyone else with the exception of those the have reach the lowest of the low where they are nothing but automatons in their quest for more. Those are on their way out.

I was trying to say that she's not unique in her position nor more complex than the rest.


----------



## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.
> 
> I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.
> 
> I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.


First off, I want to say that no matter what your wife looks like, as an addict she is completely and utterly ONLY concerned with HERSELF. That's whether she is using or not. She is always going to be totally self-absorbed. That is the thing about addiction, it changes the person inside. And even if she never uses drugs again, it will probably be very hard having a truly connected relationship with her.

Secondly, heroin addicts are NOT ever "functional"...that's just not what heroin allows. The chemical changes that happened in her body are very disrupting, and it's slow to go back to normal levels once stopped. Pregnancy is going to intensify her exhaustion.


----------



## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> First off, I want to say that no matter what your wife looks like, as an addict she is completely and utterly ONLY concerned with HERSELF. That's whether she is using or not. She is always going to be totally self-absorbed. That is the thing about addiction, it changes the person inside. And even if she never uses drugs again, it will probably be very hard having a truly connected relationship with her.
> 
> Secondly, heroin addicts are NOT ever "functional"...that's just not what heroin allows. The chemical changes that happened in her body are very disrupting, and it's slow to go back to normal levels once stopped. Pregnancy is going to intensify her exhaustion.


You don’t need to tell me things like I haven’t been living with this ever day for the past 3 years.

You’re right in that she and her drugs are the number one priority when she’s actively using. I think it’s unfair to say that it’s true whether she’s using or not. She’ll forever be an addict no matter what and that part won’t change. There will never be a magical switch that will cure her and her brain chemistry is definitely forever altered. It’s scary, no doubt. She was an addict when I married her, even though she wasn’t using. But for those years that she was clean and committed to it, she was a warm, loving, caring, compassionate person capable of putting other people first. I think she could be that way again if she could get back to that spot she was at during the peak of her sobriety. But I know statistics for long term recovery from heroin use are incredibly low. I saw how quickly the relapse happened this time and it’s not as if there is any warning. I don’t know that I can live that way even if she gets clean and I’m terrified about what that would do to a child. There’s just still such a big part of me that doesn’t want to abandon her and I know I have to stop thinking that way and framing it like that.

Some heroin addicts are able to function to a certain degree in that they may be able to hold a job, keep a home, keep their addiction hidden from most people. They can maintain a facade and get through day to day life somehow. They don’t function as a normal, non-addict would and their lives still totally revolve around there drug. It typically isn’t sustainable, but there are some people that manage to somehow function that way for years or even decades. These people are not anymore trustworthy to take care of another human being that somebody living on the street though, imo, but some do take care of dependents on this level.

My wife did maintain a job for a year into this current period of her usage, still went out of the house and did things, took care of the basics. She wasn’t perfect but she “functioned” well enough on the surface. I was really trying express that I was not trying to claim that she was a special snowflake, super high functioning addict who wasn’t a mess.


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## TexasMom1216

I really feel for you, OP. This is a tough situation. 😟


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> You don’t need to tell me things like I haven’t been living with this ever day for the past 3 years.


Well, I'm not only posting to YOU, I am posting for anyone who is reading this.


----------



## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I'm not only posting to YOU, I am posting for anyone who is reading this.


I apologize for my reaction and didn’t mean for it to come off as harsh as it probably did. I am constantly being “educated” about addiction by people who have no clue what they’re talking about (not that this pertains to you), as if I haven’t been dealing with it every day and spending probably hundreds of hours at this point reading about and researching it myself. I know they all mean well as I’m sure everyone here does as well. 

I am going to step away for a bit and focus my mind on work. God knows I’m going to need the money since she’s destroyed our savings and retirement funds. I’ve set up accounts that she doesn’t have access to and am working on rebuilding my finances.


----------



## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I apologize for my reaction and didn’t mean for it to come off as harsh as it probably did. I am constantly being “educated” about addiction by people who have no clue what they’re talking about (not that this pertains to you), as if I haven’t been dealing with it every day and spending probably hundreds of hours at this point reading about and researching it myself. I know they all mean well as I’m sure everyone here does as well.
> 
> I am going to step away for a bit and focus my mind on work. God knows I’m going to need the money since she’s destroyed our savings and retirement funds. I’ve set up accounts that she doesn’t have access to and am working on rebuilding my finances.


Thank you for saying that, but don't worry, you didn't upset me at all...believe me, I know what you are going through and I know how raw and harsh everything that you are dealing with is making you!!!

I was only trying to explain so you knew what my real intentions were/are.

And as always, if you read anything by me or anyone else that isn't helpful, just scroll past it and ignore it. No one here would be offended -- take what helps you and skip the rest!

And I have to say, you sound much stronger and in reality than many of the posters who have come here with addicted spouses before, so it sounds like you are at least ahead of everything so far in that way.
It's a hard road to be on.


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## David60525

lp86 said:


> So the short version of my story is that I'm at the point of feeling like I have to divorce my wife while she is pregnant with our first child. I feel like a jerk.
> 
> I'll go ahead and word vomit the long version here in more detail. Forgive me, because this is all stuff that I largely keep to myself and don't generally discuss frequently in great detail.
> 
> I'm 35 and my wife is 29, married for 4 years.My wife is addicted to heroin. I myself don't use drugs, never have. I've smoked pot and sure I experimented with other things in high school and college, but never the hard stuff. Everyone naturally assumes that I must be an addict too because why would I marry this woman otherwise? My wife's from a good family, is educated, physically beautiful, but she's a junkie. It hurts to say that and it took me a long time to be able to say it to myself let alone out loud, but that's what she is these days. Her addiction started long before she met me, but she'd been clean for a number of years by then. She didn't tell me about her past problems until we were well into a relationship and by that time I was in love with her. She didn't look or act like what I imagined a typical heroin addict would look and act like. She convinced me it was well in the past and she had control over it and I'm really not that naive but I allowed myself to just be deluded into believing that somehow things would be different for her and it would never be a problem for her again. Looking at her, back then, you couldn't imagine this girl putting that stuff in her body. She worked out, ate healthy, had a good job and seemed "together" in practically every way.
> 
> About a year into our marriage she relapsed and started using again. She couldn't keep it hidden from me for long. Looking back, I probably should have just realized that it was hopeless ad left her then before I could get mentally screwed up and sucked in by all of it.But I didn't leave. I stayed and got angry and bitter. We fought a lot, but then other times she seemed normal and those moment were enough to keep me hanging on. She agreed to go to rehab (actually went 2 times). I've done the naranon meetings and chat groups and stuff in the past. She's had blips of being clean over the past 3 years, but it never lasts.
> 
> A month ago she confesses to me she's 12 weeks pregnant, had known about it for over a month, and had been using heroin the entire time. The level of disgust and rage I had is beyond what I can put into words. I can't tell you if it was more at her or at myself for staying with her all this time, for having sex with her, for allowing this to happen.
> 
> I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.
> 
> So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together. It's a lot to ask for and I'm not sure I can go on with this relationship knowing that no matter how great it seems, and it was really great for those first few years, it could all go to hell at any time. I know all about co-dependence and I'm not saying I'm not affected by that, but I felt this way about her before she started using again, so it can't all be chalked up to that. I also worry about divorcing her and having to share custody of this child. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand not knowing what is going on when our baby is with her. If she can knowlingly shoot up while pregnant what's going to step her from doing anything if the craving strikes when there's an actual child there with her?
> 
> I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense. Not to ignore any of those aspects, but I'm really just depressed about what's happened to my wife, to our marriage, to our future. At the core of it, I'm just struggling with the idea of realizing that I probably have to divorce her for my own sanity and possibly for her own sake, even though it's not what my heart wants to do. Addiction can't possibly be the only reason someone could find themselves in this position. How do you finally take that definitive step when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming at youto not do it? And I've said all this and not even touched on the crazy world of custody issues and all of the unknowns and frustrating information I've gathered thus far on that front.


Get out and get custody.


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## gold5932

I get where you are coming from as I lived with an alcoholic for 40 years. You couldn't tell, he was really great for awhile. None of his family would help, didn't actually believe me how bad it was. Trust me on this, it doesn't matter if she ever uses again, you will be living in fear she will. Odds are she will use. So now you've tied yourself to her for at least the next 18 years maybe 21.

I divorced my ex a couple of years before he died at 64, the most awful way you can imagine. And he knew what his death would be like. He went to treatment twice and most of the people in treatment were there for heroin. Out of his "class" 5 years ago, 2 people are alive. 

Heroin is the worst and maybe she'll kick it but you can't just hope for that. There's an organization sister to Al-Anon called Nar-Anon. I think it's a step program. Maybe for your own sanity you should give this a try. I wish you luck and if you ever need to reach out, feel free.


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## Rob_1

David60525 said:


> Get out and get custody.


That's basically the message that most everyone is trying to convey to him.
Someday at his own time, he will come to the same realization that we all have come to realize. 

Let's just all hope that his wife is one of those very few ones that makes through. That would be a awesome thing to happen.


----------



## Evinrude58

lp86 said:


> In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.
> 
> I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.
> 
> I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.


You are not seeing your wife as who she is NOW. I have known addicts. I’ve kniw addicts like your wife that seem to hide their addiction better than others. However, addicts will lie, they will use people until they get down to using the people they love the most and eventually burn every bridge in their life.

What you are saying is exactly what every other person who loved an addict has said. She’s more than x, y, or z. She has so many layers. She’s not this it that.

I urge you to find an addiction support group so you can get some help, some perspective, and emotionally detach from your wife so you can protect yourself and your baby from her.

Once she got addicted to heroin, she became a different person who, whether you agree or not, us most definitely capable of regressing to that base figure you had in your mind. 
You can’t possibly grasp what you’re dealing with because you’re not an addict.

My advice in a nutshell. Protect yourself and the baby as much as is in your power to do so. And do it in an emotionless (she will say ruthless) manner. If you are strong enough to do this, you’ll have helped your wife far more than you will ever know. If you give in to having compassion for her and giving her one nanometer of slack, you will only allow her to take a thousand miles and fall right back into what she has been except worse.

Heroin addiction usually eventually kills people. And it also destroys the people that the addict takes down with them.

As said, your wife is not a special snowflake. She’s just an addict that will act as an addict if allowed to do so. She is no longer in control of herself. She needs you to do that for her. Either do it or don’t do it. No in between here.

Every man in love with a woman sees her as special. It’s not your fault. You need to get with a support group and educate yourself on how to work through this, if it’s possible she is wanting to change.


----------



## lp86

We will be going to get the paternity test done this morning and by this time next week I should have a definite answer. I’m not too worried about it but you know it’s one of those thing that the more you think about it the more you start to worry.

She texted early this morning because she was so out of it from the drug she’s on now that she accidentally took our dog’s medication instead of giving it to the dog She was a little concerned but somehow found it comical. I didn’t find it funny at all. I just can’t stop thinking about what would happen if she accidentally gave the wrong medication to a kid because she was so out of it.


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## bobert

lp86 said:


> I just can’t stop thinking about what would happen if she accidentally gave the wrong medication to a kid because she was so out of it


She DID accidentally give the wrong medication to a child. She is pregnant. Whatever she takes can pass through the placenta to the baby. 

But hey, at least she doesn't "look" like an addict. SMH.


----------



## lp86

bobert said:


> She DID accidentally give the wrong medication to a child. She is pregnant. Whatever she takes can pass through the placenta to the baby.
> 
> But hey, at least she doesn't "look" like an addict. SMH.


I’m well aware of what she did. I didn’t just wake up to this situation yesterday. I’ll be honest - I’m concerned about the baby now but it just doesn’t feel the same to me right now as an actual living breathing fully formed person living outside of her body. I’m pissed off about what she’s been doing while pregnant and know the negative short and long term effects it could have but the level of rage I feel when I imagine the baby or child ingesting something possibly lethal after birth is on another level. I feel very disconnected about the thing growing inside her right now. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I feel somewhat powerless right now because it’s not growing inside of me. I think more about what will happen once he or she is born. I spend most nights in bed lying awake and researching things like the effect of opioid use in a developing fetus, the possible behavioral and cognitive problems he or she might have, things i never thought I’d be dealing with. By the way, your previous comments are correct - I was irresponsible and this pregnancy shouldn’t have happened.

I think my comments about her appearance are being misinterpreted. I don’t mention it as a way to say her addiction is any less serious or that she’s any more responsible to care for a child than any other addict out there.

She’s a junkie and her life totally revolves around her drugs and she’s not different than a disgusting looking person living on the street in that respect. I say it more because I think many people, especially those who have not know someone in their life with this problem hear “heroin addict” and it’s like this one singular image of this messy toothless drug fiend comes to mind and they can’t fathom how I haven’t left her ages ago. In their mind the person is dirty disgusting heroin addict and that is all they are. In reality my wife, like many addicts, doesn’t look like that and to those who love them they are not reduced to ONLY an addict - it’s way more complex than that. Maybe everyone on this site already know that but I’m used to people not being able to realize that.

I’m not saying that she is special or different than any other addict. Of course she’s special to me but I don’t think she has some sort of super power that makes her any less susceptible to the effects of this drug and lifestyle. I’ve seen the disgusting side of it. When she’s in full blown addict mode and actively using she’s filthy, makes a mess of our home, lies, and hurts people. I’ve witnessed her shoot up, seen the track marks, stayed awake all night to make sure she was still breathing at times, watched her nearly die from an overdose (she’s had 2, but only one since I’ve known her), not to mention the time she was in the hospital for days because the drugs caused such bad constipation that she hadn’t pooped in weeks. Everyone at the company I work for knows my wife is a junkie. When living with her I barely leave the home except to go to work because I’m so worried about her either killing herself or doing something disastrous like burning the house down. I live with constant anxiety and feel the need to constantly check in with her when I’m away. Staying away from home has been so difficult but I’ve managed to stay away for a month. I’m usually sick with worry and still feel the need to be in constant communication with her. She’s not to blame for the last several things I mentioned. Those things are my choice because I’ve chosen to stay with her up to this point. I’ve done that to myself. It took me a while to realize that.

I notice a difference in her appearance, but someone who didn’t know what she was like before would probably never guess her issues unless they saw her nodding off. I was only trying to explain that she’s doesn’t look like this monstrous crazy drug fiend on the surface. It DOES make it more difficult for me as far as trying to detach from her, despite all of the ugliness I’ve seen. It’s not as if she relapsed and suddenly became a different person. I sometimes wish that had happened, as if she could just suddenly totally transform into a literal monster so I wouldn’t be able to see any traces of the person I married. I still see parts of that person when I look at her and in her personality at times. I feel like she’s still in there somewhere. Being in a relationship with an addict just does crazy things to your mind. I fear what will happen to her if I leave and she’s left to her own devices. There are a number of terrible things that could and would likely happen. I get that I’m supposed to let her fall and to not enable her in any way but it’s so much harder than I ever thought it would be.


----------



## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I am going to step away for a bit and focus my mind on work. God knows I’m going to need the money since she’s destroyed our savings and retirement funds. I’ve set up accounts that she doesn’t have access to and am working on rebuilding my finances.


I recommend that you put your money into divorce first or you are going to have to split all that money with her. Once you file, any money that you save is yours alone.


----------



## lp86

Cynthia said:


> If your wife is truly repentant, it will be many years before you know it for sure, and even then she could relapse. Addiction is a terrible thing. It's amazing how quickly a person can fall right back into it. I once went from not smoking for a couple of years to having a cigarette with a friend, picking up a pack on the way home, and continuing right where I left off. I quit for good 29 years ago this month.
> 
> It is way too soon to trust her. I know you want to, but it's not reasonable. Leaving her alone with a newborn is not reasonable. It is your responsibility to protect your child, even if it's from your wife.
> 
> I understand that this seems like a very mean thing to do to your wife, but it's not about her. This is not a doll. This is a living human being who needs to be protected. Your wife may not be malicious, but that doesn't mean she's not dangerous. Again, these decisions can't be made out of emotion. This must be addressed from a logical point of view or things are going to go terribly wrong.
> 
> Having strong boundaries set up will not harm your wife. It will help her to stay on track and to be a good mother, while at the same time protecting your child. Your wife should want this for her child. If she doesn't, that is another reason to be extremely wary of her.


Everything you’ve said here is spot on.

I want to trust her but let me be clear that I will not trust her to take care of a child. There are no plans for me to ever leave her alone with a kid. It will take a long time and a huge long term effort on her part before I would ever trust her with that.

I do feel that she should be given a chance to be the mother of her child and to be involved in her child’s life. It’s not the life I ever wanted for a child of my own but it feels wrong trying to completely sever them from each other without at least giving her a chance to get her crap together. It’s just figuring out a safe way to do it and limiting any possible harm. I do not want her to have any sort of custody over this child. Part of the hesitation with divorcing her is that I feel like if I stay married to her I can just have total control over the situation. If we divorce, the courts will be involved unless she will agree to some sort of plan my lawyer and I come up with and I don’t see that happening. I know it sounds nonsensical, but being in a relationship like this sort of makes you obsessed with trying to control situations since there’s this crazy thing happening in your life that’s totally out of control. You’re constantly in damage control and trying to keep everything in order until you can manage to detach from this person. I understand I have a lot of work to do because this has totally screwed with me and altered my brain and behavior as well.


----------



## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I’m well aware of what she did. I didn’t just wake up to this situation yesterday. I’ll be honest - I’m concerned about the baby now but it just doesn’t feel the same to me right now as an actual living breathing fully formed person living outside of her body. I’m pissed off about what she’s been doing while pregnant and know the negative short and long term effects it could have but the level of rage I feel when I imagine the baby or child ingesting something possibly lethal after birth is on another level. I feel very disconnected about the thing growing inside her right now. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I feel somewhat powerless right now because it’s not growing inside of me. I think more about what will happen once he or she is born. I spend most nights in bed lying awake and researching things like the effect of opioid use in a developing fetus, the possible behavioral and cognitive problems he or she might have, things i never thought I’d be dealing with. By the way, your previous comments are correct - I was irresponsible and this pregnancy shouldn’t have happened.
> 
> I think my comments about her appearance are being misinterpreted. I don’t mention it as a way to say her addiction is any less serious or that she’s any more responsible to care for a child than any other addict out there.
> 
> She’s a junkie and her life totally revolves around her drugs and she’s not different than a disgusting looking person living on the street in that respect. I say it more because I think many people, especially those who have not know someone in their life with this problem hear “heroin addict” and it’s like this one singular image of this messy toothless drug fiend comes to mind and they can’t fathom how I haven’t left her ages ago. In their mind the person is dirty disgusting heroin addict and that is all they are. In reality my wife, like many addicts, doesn’t look like that and to those who love them they are not reduced to ONLY an addict - it’s way more complex than that. Maybe everyone on this site already know that but I’m used to people not being able to realize that.
> 
> I’m not saying that she is special or different than any other addict. Of course she’s special to me but I don’t think she has some sort of super power that makes her any less susceptible to the effects of this drug and lifestyle. I’ve seen the disgusting side of it. When she’s in full blown addict mode and actively using she’s filthy, makes a mess of our home, lies, and hurts people. I’ve witnessed her shoot up, seen the track marks, stayed awake all night to make sure she was still breathing at times, watched her nearly die from an overdose (she’s had 2, but only one since I’ve known her), not to mention the time she was in the hospital for days because the drugs caused such bad constipation that she hadn’t pooped in weeks. Everyone at the company I work for knows my wife is a junkie. When living with her I barely leave the home except to go to work because I’m so worried about her either killing herself or doing something disastrous like burning the house down. I live with constant anxiety and feel the need to constantly check in with her when I’m away. Staying away from home has been so difficult but I’ve managed to stay away for a month. I’m usually sick with worry and still feel the need to be in constant communication with her. She’s not to blame for the last several things I mentioned. Those things are my choice because I’ve chosen to stay with her up to this point. I’ve done that to myself. It took me a while to realize that.
> 
> I notice a difference in her appearance, but someone who didn’t know what she was like before would probably never guess her issues unless they saw her nodding off. I was only trying to explain that she’s doesn’t look like this monstrous crazy drug fiend on the surface. It DOES make it more difficult for me as far as trying to detach from her, despite all of the ugliness I’ve seen. It’s not as if she relapsed and suddenly became a different person. I sometimes wish that had happened, as if she could just suddenly totally transform into a literal monster so I wouldn’t be able to see any traces of the person I married. I still see parts of that person when I look at her and in her personality at times. I feel like she’s still in there somewhere. Being in a relationship with an addict just does crazy things to your mind. I fear what will happen to her if I leave and she’s left to her own devices. There are a number of terrible things that could and would likely happen. I get that I’m supposed to let her fall and to not enable her in any way but it’s so much harder than I ever thought it would be.


Why aren't HER PARENTS stepping in to help support her right now while you are staying away?


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I know it sounds nonsensical, but being in a relationship like this sort of makes you obsessed with trying to control situations since there’s this crazy thing happening in your life that’s totally out of control. You’re constantly in damage control and trying to keep everything in order until you can manage to detach from this person. I understand I have a lot of work to do because this has totally screwed with me and altered my brain and behavior as well.


It is not nonsensical at all, it's called co-dependence...and you should know that if your child spends any significant time around her when she's using, that child will develop those same coping mechanisms, except with no healthy frame of reference for how relationships should be (like you have).


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> Everything you’ve said here is spot on.
> 
> I want to trust her but let me be clear that I will not trust her to take care of a child. There are no plans for me to ever leave her alone with a kid. It will take a long time and a huge long term effort on her part before I would ever trust her with that.
> 
> I do feel that she should be given a chance to be the mother of her child and to be involved in her child’s life. It’s not the life I ever wanted for a child of my own but it feels wrong trying to completely sever them from each other without at least giving her a chance to get her crap together. It’s just figuring out a safe way to do it and limiting any possible harm. I do not want her to have any sort of custody over this child. Part of the hesitation with divorcing her is that I feel like if I stay married to her I can just have total control over the situation. If we divorce, the courts will be involved unless she will agree to some sort of plan my lawyer and I come up with and I don’t see that happening. I know it sounds nonsensical, but being in a relationship like this sort of makes you obsessed with trying to control situations since there’s this crazy thing happening in your life that’s totally out of control. You’re constantly in damage control and trying to keep everything in order until you can manage to detach from this person. I understand I have a lot of work to do because this has totally screwed with me and altered my brain and behavior as well.


The problem with this is that you can never control her. Yes, you would be able to shield the child from her, but you can do that better divorced, if you can get full custody. If you stay with her, you won't be able to protect your finances or the disruption that she will cause on a daily basis. It's better to make your life apart from her where you do have actual control over most of it. (We can never have control over everything.)
Her not having you there to clean up after her makes her more accountable for her own actions. It allows for natural consequences better than if you are there trying to keep life going properly in the household. With you there to clean up after her all the time, she can disassociate from her responsibilities more easily.
She has deserted you. She has deserted the marriage. She is abusing your child and can't stop until he is born. This will continue if you stay married to her. If you divorce and get full custody, all of you will have a better chance of recovery.
I agree that it's the right thing to do to allow for your child to have a relationship with his mother, but this really isn't about your wife and what she wants. This is about what is best for the child. If it can be done in a healthy manner, it would be good for your child to have a mother who loves him, even if she can only visit him from time to time.


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> Why aren't HER PARENTS stepping in to help support her right now while you are staying away?


I think they’re exhausted by it all. I wish she would leave our house and go live with her parents. In part so that I could have my house back and so that I would know she wasn’t all alone, but that’s not fair to them. Her mom does want to help and be involved with the baby. I think she’s scared I will take the baby away and she’ll never be able to see her grandchild, her first grandchild. She’s concerned for the baby and she doesn’t believe her own daughter is fit to be a mother but I think she feels the same way that I do about wanting her to have a chance at being involved in some capacity. I’m sure the tides would change if I tried to just cut all ties and run. Her dad seems to think she’s just going to give birth and start caring for this baby like any normal mother and somehow she’ll be cured. He’s delusional, worse than me.

My parents have been telling me to divorce her since they found out about her drug use. It was depressing telling them the news of the pregnancy because it was not a happy announcement like it should have been. It was a sad day for them. My mom is constantly stressing about it but they will support me in this 100%. One of my sisters is a stay at home mom and has already offered to take care of the baby while I work. I feel guilty putting that burden on her but she says she wants to do it. I have a somewhat flexible schedule that I set myself but I can sometimes work 7 days a week and/or evenings and that is really required for what I do. I’m lucky to have my family because I’m not sure I could pull this off completely on my own.


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## Cynthia

Having a strong family support system is gold. You are extremely blessed. My family is like this too. My daughters share childcare, as they each work a part-time job. It does my heart good to see all my grandchildren loving and enjoying each other. They spend a lot of time together. So don't feel badly about taking your sister up on her offer. I'm sure you will be able to help her out in some ways as well. As long as she feels appreciate by you, I'm sure she'll do whatever she can to help. And thank her husband too, because he is making this possible as much as your sister is.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I think they’re exhausted by it all. I wish she would leave our house and go live with her parents. In part so that I could have my house back and so that I would know she wasn’t all alone, but that’s not fair to them. Her mom does want to help and be involved with the baby. I think she’s scared I will take the baby away and she’ll never be able to see her grandchild, her first grandchild. She’s concerned for the baby and she doesn’t believe her own daughter is fit to be a mother but I think she feels the same way that I do about wanting her to have a chance at being involved in some capacity. I’m sure the tides would change if I tried to just cut all ties and run. Her dad seems to think she’s just going to give birth and start caring for this baby like any normal mother and somehow she’ll be cured. He’s delusional, worse than me.
> 
> My parents have been telling me to divorce her since they found out about her drug use. It was depressing telling them the news of the pregnancy because it was not a happy announcement like it should have been. It was a sad day for them. My mom is constantly stressing about it but they will support me in this 100%. One of my sisters is a stay at home mom and has already offered to take care of the baby while I work. I feel guilty putting that burden on her but she says she wants to do it. I have a somewhat flexible schedule that I set myself but I can sometimes work 7 days a week and/or evenings and that is really required for what I do. I’m lucky to have my family because I’m not sure I could pull this off completely on my own.


Hey, I've been thinking of you...how are things going this week? Have you received the results of the paternity test yet?


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> Hey, I've been thinking of you...how are things going this week? Have you received the results of the paternity test yet?


No results yet. I’ve started to fantasize that it won’t be my kid. Maybe that is a good way to summarize how this week has been going for me mentally. I’ll come back and explain more later. It’s still early today and if I get into it now it might derail me mentally for the rest of the day.


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## Evinrude58

Just my opinion, but considering she’s on drugs now, has done heroin during the pregnancy, and accidentally takes dog pills (if heartworm preventative it was probably ivermectin, if dewormer, probably poison….

I would not bring a baby into the world that is addicted to drugs and sure have behavioral and cognitive Disorders. Life is hard enough without being born with at best, major handicaps. Just my opinion. 

Even if the baby is not yours, I think she should terminate the pregnancy. This is crazy to do this unmerciful thing child. I think what she has done should be criminal.

listen to what you’ve said. She’s ONLY OD’d once since you’ve known her. Dude, how many times is too many?

You aren’t just ruining your life by staying with this woman. You enabling her is going to ruin that baby’s life as well.

She was LAUGHING about taking dog medicine accidentally while pregnant. Normal people would be in tears and at the hospital begging to verify that the dog medicine wasn’t harmful to her baby. Your wife is absolutely an unfit mother and has no business having a child.


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## Divinely Favored

Evinrude58 said:


> Just my opinion, but considering she’s on drugs now, has done heroin during the pregnancy, and accidentally takes dog pills (if heartworm preventative it was probably ivermectin, if dewormer, probably poison….
> 
> I would not bring a baby into the world that is addicted to drugs and sure have behavioral and cognitive Disorders. Life is hard enough without being born with at best, major handicaps. Just my opinion.
> 
> Even if the baby is not yours, I think she should terminate the pregnancy. This is crazy to do this unmerciful thing child. I think what she has done should be criminal.
> 
> listen to what you’ve said. She’s ONLY OD’d once since you’ve known her. Dude, how many times is too many?
> 
> You aren’t just ruining your life by staying with this woman. You enabling her is going to ruin that baby’s life as well.
> 
> She was LAUGHING about taking dog medicine accidentally while pregnant. Normal people would be in tears and at the hospital begging to verify that the dog medicine wasn’t harmful to her baby. Your wife is absolutely an unfit mother and has no business having a child.


Most likely nothing a dog will take that will hurt a human. However a dog can eat rotton things that will give a person food poisoning.


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## lp86

To be clear, we never had a discussion where we came to an agreement to keep this baby. She had already made that decision. It was not something I encouraged. Even though I will be the one with most if not all of the responsibility, I have no say in this baby coming or not and I’ve accepted that now. My reaction at the time was not so calm or polite. There are a lot of variables at play with various possible outcomes but at this point, 17 weeks along, I’m planning on a baby being here by Thanksgiving and for me to be the primary parent. There is no way she will get an abortion at this point and even though this is a total crap show it’s a bit too far along for me to feel comfortable with the idea of that no matter how this all turns out.


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## lp86

Divinely Favored said:


> Most likely nothing a dog will take that will hurt a human. However a dog can eat rotton things that will give a person food poisoning.


It was a prednisone pill for a 14 pound dog. If she didn’t have addiction issues and accidentally took that pill I can guarantee she wouldn’t be at the hospital crying over it. I of course looked it up, mainly concerned over possible interactions with the medication she’s on now, but a tiny dose of almost all medications is not going to cause any harm to a fetus and most rational people know that. Maybe a call to the doctor to be sure and move on. Still nothing to take lightly and it could have been worse if she’d taken a larger dose of something that could have interacted very badly.

The medication she’s on now is an opioid but it’s prescribed by a doctor and it’s far healthier and safer than any street drug. It makes her extremely tired and she has a hard time functioning to the point where she’s been in tears on more than one occasion because she’s actually trying to get something productive done and it’s like treading water fighting the sleepiness and brain fog. She’s asked multiple times for them to reduce the dose but they’ve refused to adjust it. They keep telling her it’s normal to be really tired at the beginning but she’ll adjust. It’s been a month and she’s not adjusted. She would like to taper off of it but that’s not standard practice. She found a doctor who does ween women off opioids during pregnancy but he’s in another state.


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## MattMatt

prednisone is indicated as being generally safe during pregnancies.


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## Evinrude58

You seem pretty calm, cool, and collected about things. Seems opposites do attract.
I wish there was a way to change your wife. 
Wishing you and that baby some luck.

Your wife is an incredibly selfish person.


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## lp86

Evinrude58 said:


> You seem pretty calm, cool, and collected about things. Seems opposites do attract.
> I wish there was a way to change your wife.
> Wishing you and that baby some luck.
> 
> Your wife is an incredibly selfish person.


Believe it or not I was in two long term relationships with normal stable women before this and everyone said what perfect matches we were each time. I got bored with both of them and was the one to end the relationship both times.

I used to be an emotional wreck about my wife. I’ve yelled, cried, pleaded, tried to make all sorts of deals with her, punched 3 holes in the walls once, which I’m not proud of and is not typical of me whatsoever.

At this point I’m sort of past those things. Eventually I just came to this numb sort of acceptance. Not that I wasn’t still a wreck over everything inside but I learned that all of the yelling crying and pleading did nothing. I then entered a phase where I told myself I either had to accept the way she was or leave. This is what they tell you in naranon and in related literature. I have a hard time with a lot of it and find some of it pretty stupid, but put into practice it often ends up making sense. For your own sanity you either need to accept the person’s behavior and realize that the yelling crying and pleading is just a waste of your energy and if you don’t leave then you need to just move on and focus on your own boundaries. I have been on the verge of divorcing her multiple times. Then this happened.

You just get used to these things in a twisted way. So the dog pill incident pissed me off and it could have been bad, but it’s nothing that I’m going to walk around enraged about days later. It’s a drop in the bucket compared to the other things I’ve dealt with.

There is an unhealthy part of me that has to defend her and protect her which I hate but I recognize. But when people say things that aren’t true I have to correct it. She’s not “using drugs” now. She’s on a prescription medication. One that she doesn’t want to be on but she is taking because that’s what the “experts” say to do. The baby also is to guaranteed to have a major handicap. Long term research is surprisingly sparse, but there are increased chances of things like depression, ADHD, learning disabilities. I can’t do anything about it until the baby is here and even then it could be years down the road until something emerges. I think the biggest handicap the kid will have is a mother who isn’t reliable and cannot provide everything a mother should. That’s what I’m most worried about right now but my control over that is limited as well. When I say that, it doesn’t mean that I think it’s not a big deal or that I’m not pissed off at her for it. I am angry and worried. But if you had dealt with some of the stuff I have, you’d understand why I can at least acknowledge that what she’s doing now is way better than what she was doing before and to just be thankful that she’s following the doctor’s instructions. I’m trying to accept the current situation as is because I have no control over it or what’s already happened. I’m just trying to focus on what I do have control over.

I got the results at 5:30 this morning and I’m the dad. I knew I would be but glad I have proof now so I can make some more concrete plans.


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## Evinrude58

The only response I have is that you said you have to accept things abd have no control over it. I think you do have some control. You have a proven, indisputable addict on your hands. Right now, there is not a judge in the world that wouldn’t grant you a fair divorce and give you full custody of the baby.

You would then have total control over your life. I urge you to do that. Stop sitting in your hands and “ accepting“ things abd saying you have no control. That’s been your entire problem all along. You’ve accepted the unacceptable.


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## lp86

Evinrude58 said:


> The only response I have is that you said you have to accept things abd have no control over it. I think you do have some control. You have a proven, indisputable addict on your hands. Right now, there is not a judge in the world that wouldn’t grant you a fair divorce and give you full custody of the baby.
> 
> You would then have total control over your life. I urge you to do that. Stop sitting in your hands and “ accepting“ things abd saying you have no control. That’s been your entire problem all along. You’ve accepted the unacceptable.


The idea is if you remain in a relationship with this person you need to accept the things you can’t change, such as their drug use. It doesn’t mean you are okay with it, but you acknowledge that this is what they are doing and that you have no control over it. You’re then supposed to create boundaries for yourself and work on controlling the things you do have control over (ie yourself and your own behaviors, not another person). If you remain in a relationship with this person, you have to accept the way they are and focus on yourself instead of constantly trying to make them change or control what they do or don’t do. I don’t agree with all the tenants of naranon and co- dependency, but I do understand this idea of acceptance. 

I now accept that she’s going to have the baby and I have no say. I accept that she used heroin during the pregnancy and there’s nothing I can do to go back and change it. I accept that she is on a medication right now that’s not ideal but is what is medically advised and cannot control that either. I do realize there are things moving forward that I do not have to accept and that I do have control over. I cannot control that she’s the mother of this baby. It’s not up to me to strip her of her parental rights. I could potentially put all my efforts into possibly getting the courts to do that, but chances are at this time that would not happen. She has not done enough to lose all rights yet (in the eyes of the court). In fact, if she says and does all the right things there’s no guarantee I’ll get sole custody either (at least at first, it could and would likely change after she makes a mistake). Even if the courts deemed her unfit from the moment the baby comes out, she’s still that kid’s mother forever. That part I cannot control. 

I mentioned that I am trying to focus on things I can control, and that does include what will happen once the baby is born. You know that as a father I have no rights over the baby while it’s still inside her and as hard as it is I’m trying to accept that while doing what I can to support her in staying on track.

I’ve come to the realization that I need to divorce her if for nothing else but to protect my own parental rights. I refuse to have my child taken away from me because she screws up and I’m married to her or living in the same household. This is something I can control and so I am planning to do it. There are many other reasons why divorce is a good idea but it’s easy to sometimes push those aside, make excuses, and rationalize, but not this reason. I can file for divorce while she’s pregnant but it won’t be granted until after. I have no worries about it being granted.

I’m scared about the court awarding her some sort of custody or unsupervised visitation that I’ll truly have no control over until she screws up. I’m scared about leaving her with no health insurance. I’m terrified she’ll do something wreckless when she finds out what I’m planning. I do not think that I can completely stop supporting her in some way. I see myself doing all sorts of planning to make sure that even after we are legally divorced I can make sure that she isn’t just left with nothing and nobody. It sounds crazy I know but this is the best compromise I can make with myself right now.

I plan to tell her about my plans ahead of time and to explain why this has to be done. I can already anticipate the reaction and will be prepared for everything she’ll try to do. But I think if I can make her understand that it’s not to punish her but to protect our kid and to ensure he or she doesn’t end up in foster care or living with relatives that I absolutely have to do it. I have to be able to have finances that are protected from her access as well. Our child needs that sort of security and I’m hoping she can come to understand that. It’s going to be incredibly difficult for me to do. At this time I’m not interested in stripping her parental rights and am hoping that this will at least scare her into realizing she has to do more to make herself a healthy trustworthy parent if that’s what she ultimately wants to be. I do think she has it in her somewhere because I saw how amazing she was when she was dedicated to her sobriety, but it will take a long time and immense effort and dedication and will be completely up to her to decide.


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## Evinrude58

I can’t argue with your thinking here. It’s reasonable. I do hope for your sake that you divorce her.


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## BlueWoman

I haven’t read through all of this so I might be missing some pertinent information.
But…
1) in your original post you said you still love her. The most loving thing you can do for her right now, is leave her. It sound counter intuitive, but she needs to hit bottom before she will do the work to get better. And as long as you are with her, she can’t hit bottom. It sucks, but it’s the kindest thing you can do.

2) One of my research projects in grad school was heroin use during pregnancy. The fact that she is on Suboxone is really good. Suprisingly, the opiate in the system doesn’t do permanent damage to the baby. But going through withdrawal in utero was extremely dangerous for the baby. One of the big issues with pregnant heroin users is they rarely have a consistent source, so they often go through the initial stages of withdrawal multiple times. Which means so does that baby.

The infant will have have to go through withdrawal once it is born, but at that point it can medically supervised and done safely. 

Anyway, I feel for your wife, but I’m glad you are making the healthy decision to leave her, and I hope you file for full custody of your baby. She’s not ready to be a parent. 

Now I am going to go finish reading the thread and see if I have given you any inappropriate advice.


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## BlueWoman

Evinrude58 said:


> My advice:
> See an attorney.
> *Get your wife thrown in jail where the baby MIGHT have a chance at a normal life.*
> Divorce your wife immediately.


 Bolded and underlined is not good advice. Jails are one of the most unsafe places for a pregnant woman, particularly for an addict. They will not be watching out to make sure she gets her suboxone, and she won’t get great prenatal care. And if there is an emergency it’s possible she could be ignored until it’s too late. 

She is more than likely going to be considered a high risk pregnancy, and in order to make sure that baby has the best chance she needs quality health care and nutrition. She won’t get either in jail. 

I do fully agree with the other two pieces of advice.


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## Evinrude58

BlueWoman said:


> Bolded and underlined is not good advice. Jails are one of the most unsafe places for a pregnant woman, particularly for an addict. They will not be watching out to make sure she gets her suboxone, and she won’t get great prenatal care. And if there is an emergency it’s possible she could be ignored until it’s too late.
> 
> She is more than likely going to be considered a high risk pregnancy, and in order to make sure that baby has the best chance she needs quality health care and nutrition. She won’t get either in jail.
> 
> I do fully agree with the other two pieces of advice.


What you said seems logical and now that I’ve read more of the OP’s logic and yours, I agree. I mainly meant after having the baby, but either way. I really think it’s a shame to bring a baby who is addicted to heroin into the world.


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## BlueWoman

Evinrude58 said:


> What you said seems logical and now that I’ve read more of the OP’s logic and yours, I agree. I mainly meant after having the baby, but either way. I really think it’s a shame to bring a baby who is addicted to heroin into the world.


I agree with you. It is a shame. And while I know with proper medical intervention the outcomes can be decent in terms of the child having any kind of disability (which is where my expertise lies) I have to assume this individual will more likely to face addiction problems when they are older. Because they will be born with an addiction. 

But I do think OP is doing the best he can with some pretty bad options.


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## lp86

BlueWoman said:


> I haven’t read through all of this so I might be missing some pertinent information.
> But…
> 1) in your original post you said you still love her. The most loving thing you can do for her right now, is leave her. It sound counter intuitive, but she needs to hit bottom before she will do the work to get better. And as long as you are with her, she can’t hit bottom. It sucks, but it’s the kindest thing you can do.
> 
> 2) One of my research projects in grad school was heroin use during pregnancy. The fact that she is on Suboxone is really good. Suprisingly, the opiate in the system doesn’t do permanent damage to the baby. But going through withdrawal in utero was extremely dangerous for the baby. One of the big issues with pregnant heroin users is they rarely have a consistent source, so they often go through the initial stages of withdrawal multiple times. Which means so does that baby.
> 
> The infant will have have to go through withdrawal once it is born, but at that point it can medically supervised and done safely.
> 
> Anyway, I feel for your wife, but I’m glad you are making the healthy decision to leave her, and I hope you file for full custody of your baby. She’s not ready to be a parent.
> 
> Now I am going to go finish reading the thread and see if I have given you any inappropriate advice.


Yeah I’m well aware of the whole idea of letting them hit rock bottom, but it’s just been extraordinarily hard for me to do. It’s been a constant mental and emotional struggle for the past few years knowing that it’s what I’m supposed to do but not being able to do it and then knowing that I’m in turn enabling her which is never the true intention. I always thought people who did things like I’ve done over the past few years were idiots and couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just stop bailing the addict out, stop giving them money, stop covering up for them. Now I understand why. 

Yes, the Suboxone is a good thing, comparatively. I think everyone hears “heroin” or “opiate” and immediately they picture a children born with all sorts of defects but it’s generally not the case from everything I’ve read and what the doctors have told us. They may be at increased odds for a few things but I’m going to have to deal with those issues if and when they happen. I’m not dismissing what she’s done but I’m trying to be realistic about what I need to be prepared for and it’s almost certainly not going to be a child with a major handicap of any sort. If that happens, I’ll deal with it then. I have to focus on the more likely things, like the immediate withdraw period, the length of time he or she might be in the hospital, and keeping myself together when I see my innocent newborn baby going though that. Thankfully the intensity and length of withdraw is usually less with Suboxone. Yes, he or she will be at an increased risk of developing addiction during their lifetime which is scary but it’s no guarantee they’ll develop any sort of problem like that. Again, not trying to minimize or excuse anything my wife had done but just trying to be rational to keep myself sane.


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## lp86

I’m feeling like a piece of crap. We got the DNA results and she was upset that I hadn’t believed her. I told her that I had believed her but that I just needed proof to know for sure. She asked if it was because I was planning to divorce her and take the baby away. I was planning to discuss it with her but not in that moment, so I was conflicted on whether I should lie or say something to pacify her for now or just tell her the truth. I’m scared of what she’ll do but I also think it would be wrong and possibly even more disastrous to allow her to believe we’re going to remain married and raise the child together in a shared household. It just feels cruel to lead her on like that. So I just told her that we’ll need to talk about it later. She was crying and saying she knew I was going to do it and to tell her the truth. I blew up and asked her what other option does she think I have to protect the kid that she is so set on bringing into the world. It didn’t go well and it’s not how I wanted to handle it. I told her I don’t plan to try to strip her parental rights or not allow her any contact but I think it would be best if we just knew the baby had a stable drug free home and that she needs to take this time and the time after the baby is born to work on herself and get her life together so she can be the parent she says she wants to be. She got insulted and hung up the phone and hasn’t responded to me since. So I’m feeling guilty on multiple layers right now.


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## TexasMom1216

lp86 said:


> I’m feeling like a piece of crap. We got the DNA results and she was upset that I hadn’t believed her. I told her that I had believed her but that I just needed proof to know for sure. She asked if it was because I was planning to divorce her and take the baby away. I was planning to discuss it with her but not in that moment, so I was conflicted on whether I should lie or say something to pacify her for now or just tell her the truth. I’m scared of what she’ll do but I also think it would be wrong and possibly even more disastrous to allow her to believe we’re going to remain married and raise the child together in a shared household. It just feels cruel to lead her on like that. So I just told her that we’ll need to talk about it later. She was crying and saying she knew I was going to do it and to tell her the truth. I blew up and asked her what other option does she think I have to protect the kid that she is so set on bringing into the world. It didn’t go well and it’s not how I wanted to handle it. I told her I don’t plan to try to strip her parental rights or not allow her any contact but I think it would be best if we just knew the baby had a stable drug free home and that she needs to take this time and the time after the baby is born to work on herself and get her life together so she can be the parent she says she wants to be. She got insulted and hung up the phone and hasn’t responded to me since. So I’m feeling guilty on multiple layers right now.


Everything you’re describing here sounds like a father looking out for the best interests of his child. I get that it hurt her and you feel bad that she was hurt, but it needed to be said and you have a moral obligation to protect your child. This all sounds like stuff good dads do. ❤


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## Evinrude58

Get ready for drama and kickback on anything that is logical. You are dealing with a messed up person. So expect these reactions. It’s why you are going to be forced to divorce her. She couldn’t hold it together even if she wanted


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I’m feeling like a piece of crap. We got the DNA results and she was upset that I hadn’t believed her. I told her that I had believed her but that I just needed proof to know for sure. She asked if it was because I was planning to divorce her and take the baby away. I was planning to discuss it with her but not in that moment, so I was conflicted on whether I should lie or say something to pacify her for now or just tell her the truth. I’m scared of what she’ll do but I also think it would be wrong and possibly even more disastrous to allow her to believe we’re going to remain married and raise the child together in a shared household. It just feels cruel to lead her on like that. So I just told her that we’ll need to talk about it later. She was crying and saying she knew I was going to do it and to tell her the truth. I blew up and asked her what other option does she think I have to protect the kid that she is so set on bringing into the world. It didn’t go well and it’s not how I wanted to handle it. I told her I don’t plan to try to strip her parental rights or not allow her any contact but I think it would be best if we just knew the baby had a stable drug free home and that she needs to take this time and the time after the baby is born to work on herself and get her life together so she can be the parent she says she wants to be. She got insulted and hung up the phone and hasn’t responded to me since. So I’m feeling guilty on multiple layers right now.


You are feeling guilty, because she has once again manipulated you. What you just described is called DARVO. She's good at it. Look it up and start to recognize how she is manipulating you. 

DARVO stand for Deny Accuse Reverse Victim and Offender

You did nothing wrong. You told her your concerns for your child and all she could think about was herself. She has no compassion or empathy for either you or your child. It's all about herself. She is nowhere near repentance at this point. She is wallowing in self pity and has not taken responsibility for herself at all. She's trying to make you look bad for wanting to be a good father. See this for what it is and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, you are perfectly justified in having righteous anger at her for her myopic view of the world and how she is injuring other people around her. She won't even acknowledge that she is the one who is causing this, not you. You are responding to her dysfunction and trying to avoid it further hurting you or your child. Rather than apologizing and doing whatever she can to help resolve the issues she has caused, she lashes out at you and makes you the bad guy. Please recognize what she is doing and stop feeling guilty. It's okay to be angry with her. I have a feeling you may be avoiding that, so instead you feed into her lies and feel guilty instead.


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## Evinrude58

Great post above. And very accurate.
All about her. Doesn’t give a hoot or a holler about the stuff she’s put you and her baby through.


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## Openminded

Your points are absolutely valid 100% but she’s not ready to hear them and — more important — may never be. No reason to feel guilty for telling her the truth.


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## pastasauce79

Responsible people would want their children in a safe, drug free environment. Your wife should want the same thing, if she really cared about her baby. She doesn't realize she's sick. She doesn't realize she cannot be a good parent to her baby. She's not acting like a caring mother.

You did the right thing. You are protecting your child. You have to protect your child from any harm, he or she depends on you to survive. 

Don't fall for her manipulative ways. Don't ever feel guilty for protecting your child.


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## Diana7

Sorry if you have already said, but have you sought advise in how you could get full custody?


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## lp86

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.

Despite her problems she’s able to project this sweet almost innocent sort of persona that most everyone she knows falls for to various degrees and I’m not exception. I’m doing better with time apart from her. I’ve started looking forward to not living with the drama every day, even though I’ll always be connected to her now and I still love her now as I’m typing this.

Regarding custody, I’m to gather documentation on anything and everything regarding her history of drug use, as well as keep record of everything I am doing to prepare for the arrival of the child. Unfortunately, the court really only cares about anything that will have happened with the past 12 months regarding her drug use. My lawyer will request her medical records be turned over and the baby’s medical records will be admitted. The court will drug test her but that won’t do any good in the short term because we all know she’s still taking the Suboxone and hopefully that will be all she’s using come the time this all happens. She isn’t currently seeking treatment or counseling of any sort. She’s unemployed. Our current home is in my name. I bought it before we were married; however, I will be renting a place in my name for the short term so that I have some sort separate household established. I’m pissed and would much rather be in my own home right now but I feel safer with her there. Once the divorce is over I plan to purchase a new house because I want a fresh start somewhere else and not the memories I have of things she’s done there. I don’t know where she will live after we’re divorced but I have to try not to think about it because it sort of sends me into a panic when I do since I still want to protect her. Beyond her drug issues, she can’t properly care and provide for a child right now and we should have no problem showing that. I have an education, a good job with benefits, will be able to provide a physical home, afford all basic necessities, and have strong family support, plus I don’t event drink these days let along use any drugs so I have nothing to worry about on that end either.

I would like her to have supervised visitation on the grounds that the court requires regular drug testing. My lawyer has warned me that since this is a newborn the court will likely want to maintain the mother child relationship in some way, which I’m fine with right now. If she were to suddenly pull herself together, go to treatment, get a job, and show a big effort there is a chance that she could get unsupervised visitation pending continuous clean drug tests. My lawyer thinks that is probably the most she would get to start if she does all of the right things, but she’s not doing those things as of today. Our local courts are inclined over the past few years to really work with addict mothers to try to give them chances so having little control over that part is scary.


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## Cynthia

I would surmise that most drug addicted mothers don't have a good father for the baby. You are an exception, so I think that will make a difference. Of course, they're going to try to work with the mother, if there is no father in the picture. When there is a stable, healthy father fighting for custody, it's a whole different matter. Do you know anything about what happens in those situations? There probably aren't a lot of examples, but there might be some that you could look into and see what happened in their situation. Talking to some of those men might give you a lot of helpful information. What to do. What to avoid. Etc.


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## Beach123

Why would YOU feel guilty about doing things to protect an unborn child from a drug using Mom?

seriously, file for divorce and make sure the court helps YOU get custody of the baby!


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## aine

lp86 said:


> Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.
> 
> Despite her problems she’s able to project this sweet almost innocent sort of persona that most everyone she knows falls for to various degrees and I’m not exception. I’m doing better with time apart from her. I’ve started looking forward to not living with the drama every day, even though I’ll always be connected to her now and I still love her now as I’m typing this.
> 
> Regarding custody, I’m to gather documentation on anything and everything regarding her history of drug use, as well as keep record of everything I am doing to prepare for the arrival of the child. Unfortunately, the court really only cares about anything that will have happened with the past 12 months regarding her drug use. My lawyer will request her medical records be turned over and the baby’s medical records will be admitted. The court will drug test her but that won’t do any good in the short term because we all know she’s still taking the Suboxone and hopefully that will be all she’s using come the time this all happens. She isn’t currently seeking treatment or counseling of any sort. She’s unemployed. Our current home is in my name. I bought it before we were married; however, I will be renting a place in my name for the short term so that I have some sort separate household established. I’m pissed and would much rather be in my own home right now but I feel safer with her there. Once the divorce is over I plan to purchase a new house because I want a fresh start somewhere else and not the memories I have of things she’s done there. I don’t know where she will live after we’re divorced but I have to try not to think about it because it sort of sends me into a panic when I do since I still want to protect her. Beyond her drug issues, she can’t properly care and provide for a child right now and we should have no problem showing that. I have an education, a good job with benefits, will be able to provide a physical home, afford all basic necessities, and have strong family support, plus I don’t event drink these days let along use any drugs so I have nothing to worry about on that end either.
> 
> I would like her to have supervised visitation on the grounds that the court requires regular drug testing. My lawyer has warned me that since this is a newborn the court will likely want to maintain the mother child relationship in some way, which I’m fine with right now. If she were to suddenly pull herself together, go to treatment, get a job, and show a big effort there is a chance that she could get unsupervised visitation pending continuous clean drug tests. My lawyer thinks that is probably the most she would get to start if she does all of the right things, but she’s not doing those things as of today. Our local courts are inclined over the past few years to really work with addict mothers to try to give them chances so having little control over that part is scary.


It is called manipulation, all addicts are experts at this. Do not fall for the sweetness and promises, etc.
Send her back to her parents to take care off and sell the house. She will simple buy drugs with whatever you give her in a settlement.


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## lp86

Cynthia said:


> I would surmise that most drug addicted mothers don't have a good father for the baby. You are an exception, so I think that will make a difference. Of course, they're going to try to work with the mother, if there is no father in the picture. When there is a stable, healthy father fighting for custody, it's a whole different matter. Do you know anything about what happens in those situations? There probably aren't a lot of examples, but there might be some that you could look into and see what happened in their situation. Talking to some of those men might give you a lot of helpful information. What to do. What to avoid. Etc.


You’re correct. While my situation is not unique it is definitely more rare than situations where both parents have drug issues. 

It’s extremely difficult to find real world examples of other men who have been in the same position, but they exist. 

I’ve read several legal case studies. I’ve tried reaching out in various support groups to find out if anyone has dealt with something similar and it’s just crickets. Even when I do find information about an actual legal case, the statutes vary so much from state to state that it’s hard to put too much stock into somebody else’s outcome. There are even cases where a stable, drug free father was charged with child abuse because he knew the pregnant mother was using drugs and didn’t stop her. Thankfully I don’t live in a state with those laws. 

The lawyer I’ve been working with says it’s far more common for drug addicted newborns to be born either to single mothers or mothers in relationships with men who also have these issues or have unstable, unsafe lives due to other circumstances. Not surprising to anyone. When one parent is stable and the other is not, it’s more common for him to see that in custody cases with older children, not newborns. The courts tend to treat those cases somewhat differently than newborns and there are different factors that go into deciding if the parent with addiction issues should be allowed contact with and/custody of the child. In the past few years our local courts have really made a move to not automatically removing babies from the care of addict mothers if the mothers jump through all of the hoops that the court sets for them.


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## lp86

aine said:


> It is called manipulation, all addicts are experts at this. Do not fall for the sweetness and promises, etc.
> Send her back to her parents to take care off and sell the house. She will simple buy drugs with whatever you give her in a settlement.


I ultimately won’t have much of a say about what she will get in a divorce settlement, but I don’t plan to hand it all over to her without fighting. I can’t divorce her while she’s pregnant. I can start the process, but it can’t be finalized until after the baby is born. If I have to pay for her to live in our (my) house until November or later that’s just what I’m going to do as much as it pains me. Unless she voluntarily goes to her parents I would prefer she just stays in our home where I at least know she’s safe. I’m not staying there with her. I’ve thought about having a talk with her parents and asking them to try to convince her to go stay with them but she informed me they’re hiring a lawyer on her behalf regarding the divorce so we’ll see about how open they’ll be to talking to me any time soon. I knew this would happen and they’d side with her when it really came down to it.


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## lp86

Beach123 said:


> Why would YOU feel guilty about doing things to protect an unborn child from a drug using Mom?
> 
> seriously, file for divorce and make sure the court helps YOU get custody of the baby!


Because I’m a chump and I still love her. I still see the woman I married who, at that time would have been a loving capable mother. I feel guilty taking the experience of motherhood the way she is dreaming about away from her, but I’ve been reminding myself that I’m not actually the one that is doing that to her - she is the one who did it to herself. It’ll take a while for my heart tot not hurt over it though. I’m getting better with dealing with it all every day though.


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## lp86

I have an appointment with a lawyer this Thursday and we have the appointment for an ultrasound on Friday.

In the meantime I started talking to some other men about divorce and apparently the worst thing that I can do is move out of the family home, who’ve I’ve already done albeit in a sort of limbo state. I’ve really started to like not living with her, but they have me convinced that I’m shooting myself in the foot by not moving back in immediately. When the baby is born we won’t be divorced and there’s a very good chance the baby will get sent home with mom. If I’m not living in the household at that time, the court could view that as me saying I’m perfectly fine with allowing her to have the baby, plus I won’t be there to protect him or her if my wife should do anything stupid. 

I feel so confused. I’m starting to worry that there’s not a chance in hell that I’ll even get split custody of a newborn let alone full. She doesn’t have the paper trail that is common when CPS and the courts actually go as far as to remove a baby from the mother’s care and she’s doing all sorts of things now to make herself look good. 

Feeling very low right now and like there’s no way I can’t win no matter what I do. With that I’ll be avoiding most people I know today because I don’t feel like going to a family cook out and being grilled about the situation by people who think I’m just going to show up to court and be handed the baby and sent on my merry way. 

Maybe this thread should be moved to the addiction section. Can that be done? Feel like it doesn’t really fit here.


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## Evinrude58

I think your friends are right and you should move back in.
You’ve been thinking clearly about things.

you’re seeing an attorney. You’re seeing how life without any addict in your life is better.

Bravo sir. Do what you can and don’t sweat the rest. Wishing you the best of luck.


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## farsidejunky

Moved.

As for what you are hearing regarding living arrangements, I tend to agree, if for nothing more than taking an approach with an abundance of caution. 

Consult your attorney for specifics. None of us are a replacement for his/her advice. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

If you do decide to move back in, don't share a bedroom with her.


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## lp86

The problem is that I’m able to think straight now but it’ll likely be much harder once I’m living under the same roof as her again.

People have really started to make me worry that I’ll be lucky to even get 50/50 custody, let alone full. I’m starting to reconsider divorce right now. Unless she does something to screw up in the meantime, she’ll likely have no problem convincing a judge that she’s committed to being clean and she’ll be given a chance, possibly even multiple chances. Then she’ll have the baby without me there and who knows what will be happening. It’s been suggested to me that a better plan may be to not rush into divorce, remain married and in the same household and document absolutely everything and when she really screws up after I’ve established a relationship with my child and shown proof that o was a dedicated parent to my child who was intent on being an involved father then that’s when I’ll have a better chance of possibly having the courts side in my favor. Either way, still a chance at that point that she’d just have to give a sob story and enroll in a rehab program. 

I’m very depressed because none of my options are good ones and I feel that no matter wha I do the baby will be at risk one way or another. 

I mean, who in their right mind would think that a woman with a history of heroin addiction, who knowingly used drugs while pregnant (it’s been pointed out to me that all she’ll have to do in court is lie about knowing she was pregnant that whole time - she didn’t rush to the doctors so there’s really no actual proof), who has no job could stand a chance but apparently I was very naive in thinking such a thing. 

So I move back in and live in some sort of purgatory state?


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> So I move back in and live in some sort of purgatory state?


Unfortunately, this may be your best option, but you'll need to plan for how to manage and keep yourself healthy and sane. As you obviously well know, this is not something to be taken lightly, but it may be necessary for the safety of your child. 
Is your wife planning to go to rehab once the baby is born, so she can get off the Suboxone?


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> The problem is that I’m able to think straight now but it’ll likely be much harder once I’m living under the same roof as her again.
> 
> People have really started to make me worry that I’ll be lucky to even get 50/50 custody, let alone full. I’m starting to reconsider divorce right now. Unless she does something to screw up in the meantime, she’ll likely have no problem convincing a judge that she’s committed to being clean and she’ll be given a chance, possibly even multiple chances. Then she’ll have the baby without me there and who knows what will be happening. It’s been suggested to me that a better plan may be to not rush into divorce, remain married and in the same household and document absolutely everything and when she really screws up after I’ve established a relationship with my child and shown proof that o was a dedicated parent to my child who was intent on being an involved father then that’s when I’ll have a better chance of possibly having the courts side in my favor. Either way, still a chance at that point that she’d just have to give a sob story and enroll in a rehab program.
> 
> I’m very depressed because none of my options are good ones and I feel that no matter wha I do the baby will be at risk one way or another.
> 
> I mean, who in their right mind would think that a woman with a history of heroin addiction, who knowingly used drugs while pregnant (it’s been pointed out to me that all she’ll have to do in court is lie about knowing she was pregnant that whole time - she didn’t rush to the doctors so there’s really no actual proof), who has no job could stand a chance but apparently I was very naive in thinking such a thing.
> 
> So I move back in and live in some sort of purgatory state?


Don't do anything or make any plans until you speak to your attorney. You also might want to call CPS anonymously and ask them about your situation (pregnant druggie mother), and what the process and options are for keeping the child safe and what they look for.

But that attorney will have the best advice. You might also want to speak to a couple of other attorneys as well, just to get more than one opinion. Some of them might not have any experience with addicted spouses, so some could be better than others.

And even if you have to move back in, it's NOT hopeless at all. If you remain separate but living together, you can potentially work something out that gives you peace-of-mind AND keeps you detached from her. And maybe she WILL get her crap together for a little while, and you will be able to see it for yourself and know your baby is safe.

But don't waste energy and brain power on worrying about future catastrophes until you know more concretely what your best options are. Knowledge is power, and you will be able to make a plan after that.


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## lp86

I won’t be acting on anything until I speak to an attorney and take some time to think through the options and possible implications and make a decision for myself instead of based on pressure from others. 

My attorney has already told me that in this case, given her drug use, it may not hurt me to have a separate residence. Based on some new information I’ve learned I’m not so sure. He’s already talking about a court battle. I’m starting to feel a bit dubious about his advice and am considering speaking to a few different lawyers to get their take before actually retaining a lawyer and filing papers, if it gets to that point now. 

Truthfully I’m not so sure that I can live with her a remain detached. I really have to think things through and have a clear plan. 

Her treatment doctors have been trying to get her to enter rehab before the baby arrives. She’s refused so far. She says “you know those programs do nothing for me.” She says she won’t go away to a residential rehab once the baby is here because she won’t want to be away from her baby. I think she may eventually end up doing something if for nothing else but to please true court if it comes to that. She claims she’s going to go to outpatient treatment once the baby is here and as soon as they’ll let her she wants to ween off the Suboxone, but she will refuse to be sent off somewhere. I won’t believe any of it until I see it.


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## farsidejunky

lp86 said:


> The problem is that I’m able to think straight now but it’ll likely be much harder once I’m living under the same roof as her again.
> 
> People have really started to make me worry that I’ll be lucky to even get 50/50 custody, let alone full. I’m starting to reconsider divorce right now. Unless she does something to screw up in the meantime, she’ll likely have no problem convincing a judge that she’s committed to being clean and she’ll be given a chance, possibly even multiple chances. Then she’ll have the baby without me there and who knows what will be happening. It’s been suggested to me that a better plan may be to not rush into divorce, remain married and in the same household and document absolutely everything and when she really screws up after I’ve established a relationship with my child and shown proof that o was a dedicated parent to my child who was intent on being an involved father then that’s when I’ll have a better chance of possibly having the courts side in my favor. Either way, still a chance at that point that she’d just have to give a sob story and enroll in a rehab program.
> 
> I’m very depressed because none of my options are good ones and I feel that no matter wha I do the baby will be at risk one way or another.
> 
> I mean, who in their right mind would think that a woman with a history of heroin addiction, who knowingly used drugs while pregnant (it’s been pointed out to me that all she’ll have to do in court is lie about knowing she was pregnant that whole time - she didn’t rush to the doctors so there’s really no actual proof), who has no job could stand a chance but apparently I was very naive in thinking such a thing.
> 
> So I move back in and live in some sort of purgatory state?


When you are going through hell, the last thing you want to do is stop, as the saying loosely goes. 

Do the research and determine the steps that are most likely to produce the outcome you want, then proceed. 

Otherwise, you will second guess yourself right into a less desirable option. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## lp86

I am starting to feel fairly confident that immediate divorce and separate households will not be the best or safest idea for the baby. Maybe in the future if and when she screws up and I’ve had time to get all ducks in a row and document everything required, in the court’s eyes, so that they may side with me. I’ll meet with the attorney I’ve been speaking with later this week and will likely talk to a few more. If my wife were to get any sort of custody, which based on further research and people I’ve talked to who have been through very similar situations, there is probably a very high chance she would, it could end very badly and I won’t be there. I know some people, including some of my family and friends, can’t understand how this might be the best option for the baby but the truth is that she’s not very likely to get stripped of her parental rights and she’s not even very likely to lose temporary custody or even be required to do supervised visits, at least not in the beginning when everyone is very concerned with keeping newborns and mothers together and she’s not done anything in the eyes of the law to have actually endangered the child yet (in our state, the law doesn’t really care if she used drugs for 12 weeks while pregnant - it’s what happens once the baby is actually here).

I stopped by our house last night. My extended family was having a get together and I eventually gave into the pressure to stop by for a quick visit with them. This relative’s house is in the same neighborhood as my own home and I don’t know, I felt bad that my wife was probably alone and admittedly I wanted to do a surprise visit to see what exactly she’s been doing over there since I haven’t even been in the house for nearly a month. Maybe I needed to know how it would feel to be there with her again, I don’t know. I didn’t mention any of this to her.


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## Rob_1

Granted, there's guidelines for the courts when dealing with these types of cases, but each and every case is different. What the decreed was for one case, will not be the same for others. All you can do right now is to get legal input from lawyers (2-3) who are specialist in your type of cases, with your specific circumstances, and follow what comes out of that. getting deeply worry about what was the outcome in other cases is counterproductive for you own peace of mind. Remember, there's cases where the child is taken immediately after birth from the mother due to her specific circumstances, while others get to keep for a period of time their child, until the court has deemed it for review of the case, or they just, don't get to have their child taken away. It's all case specific.

So, due legal diligence is a must for you to make a decision in your particular case. If you get the legal consensus that moving in and waiting for your options is the best, then arrange it. Good luck.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I am starting to feel fairly confident that immediate divorce and separate households will not be the best or safest idea for the baby. Maybe in the future if and when she screws up and I’ve had time to get all ducks in a row and document everything required, in the court’s eyes, so that they may side with me. I’ll meet with the attorney I’ve been speaking with later this week and will likely talk to a few more. If my wife were to get any sort of custody, which based on further research and people I’ve talked to who have been through very similar situations, there is probably a very high chance she would, it could end very badly and I won’t be there. I know some people, including some of my family and friends, can’t understand how this might be the best option for the baby but the truth is that she’s not very likely to get stripped of her parental rights and she’s not even very likely to lose temporary custody or even be required to do supervised visits, at least not in the beginning when everyone is very concerned with keeping newborns and mothers together and she’s not done anything in the eyes of the law to have actually endangered the child yet (in our state, the law doesn’t really care if she used drugs for 12 weeks while pregnant - it’s what happens once the baby is actually here).
> 
> I stopped by our house last night. My extended family was having a get together and I eventually gave into the pressure to stop by for a quick visit with them. This relative’s house is in the same neighborhood as my own home and I don’t know, I felt bad that my wife was probably alone and admittedly I wanted to do a surprise visit to see what exactly she’s been doing over there since I haven’t even been in the house for nearly a month. Maybe I needed to know how it would feel to be there with her again, I don’t know. I didn’t mention any of this to her.


This sounds like a great plan. Like you said, talk to a few lawyers to find out what is best for your chances to keep the baby safe.

The truth is, when she first has the baby, she could very well be highly motivated to stay clean because she is a new mother. So it would be best for the baby if you were there to keep an eye on here, and to support her and keep her safe.
She could have months or longer of not using, and that would be a victory, and so good for your child!!

BUT...you must always be vigilant, because she is an addict FOREVER. I know someone who started using drugs again 33 YEARS after quitting, and ruined their spouse financially and their lives in their 50s. 
So NEVER forget what you are dealing with.


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## gold5932

I think you should do everything legally available to you. Do you live in state that has mandatory reporting and treatment? If so, her present doctor must report her.


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## lp86

gold5932 said:


> I think you should do everything legally available to you. Do you live in state that has mandatory reporting and treatment? If so, her present doctor must report her.


No mandatory reporting or enforced treatment in our state. Her doctors are aware of her addiction and she is under the care of 2 OBGYNs specializing in high risk pregnancy. The baby will need to be monitored for several days after birth for signs of withdrawal, since it often takes days to show up. The hospital staff will be aware. In all likelihood a hospital social worker will come talk to her. They may still report it to CPS, who could then open a case, but they are not required to.


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## Busy Washing My Hair

Hi @lp86. I’ve been following your thread but haven’t chimed in since I didn’t think I had anything useful to share. I saw that you said there was an ultrasound today so I just wanted to wish you luck and that everything with the baby looks good.

By the way, congratulations! Based on your family and friends reactions so far I’m not sure if anyone has told you congratulations yet, and maybe it doesn’t call for it in your opinion, but it sounds like you do love this baby already and I hope today can be a happy thing for you in some way. You are doing the best you can in this not so ideal situation.


----------



## lp86

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Hi @lp86. I’ve been following your thread but haven’t chimed in since I didn’t think I had anything useful to share. I saw that you said there was an ultrasound today so I just wanted to wish you luck and that everything with the baby looks good.
> 
> By the way, congratulations! Based on your family and friends reactions so far I’m not sure if anyone has told you congratulations yet, and maybe it doesn’t call for it in your opinion, but it sounds like you do love this baby already and I hope today can be a happy thing for you in some way. You are doing the best you can in this not so ideal situation.


Thanks. We were both nervous going into it but everything looks good right now, no obvious abnormalities and on target size-wise. It’s a girl.


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## Rob_1

lp86 said:


> Thanks. We were both nervous going into it but everything looks good right now, no obvious abnormalities and on target size-wise. It’s a girl.


Congratulations!!!!


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## Busy Washing My Hair

🤗 so happy for you


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## Cynthia

I know this entire situation is highly frustrating and difficult, but besides being a lot of work and the source of sleepless nights, they are adorable. I'm not much of a baby person, but when I had my children, that all changed for me. I couldn't get enough of them. They were such a gift. This child will make everything you have to go through worth it. Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. Prepare to fall in love.


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## lp86

Cynthia said:


> I know this entire situation is highly frustrating and difficult, but besides being a lot of work and the source of sleepless nights, they are adorable. I'm not much of a baby person, but when I had my children, that all changed for me. I couldn't get enough of them. They were such a gift. This child will make everything you have to go through worth it. Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. Prepare to fall in love.


Thanks. I have enjoyed being an uncle to my nieces and nephews, although I handle them better as little kids than as babies. I had always planned to have children of my own one day but I had started to accept that as long as I remained with my wife it was never going to happen. I’m trying to find happiness in the aspects of the situation where I can, but the guilt and worry are just killing me. I’m trying to be brave on the outside but on the inside I’m just terrified for all 3 of us and the pressure of wanting to protect this baby from every possible thing that could hurt her is pretty overwhelming today.

I met with the attorney I previously consulted with and I just don’t get a good feeling. He’s talking about court battles and I feel that he’s trying to guarantee something that he can’t guarantee. I know a lot of the facts and numbers and he’s not being straight about it. I’m starting to think he’s just seeing the numbers of dollar signs if this were to become some drawn out thing. So, I’ve set up a meeting with a different lawyer next week.

For now I am staying in our home only because there’s probably less of a chance of this hurting me than me not staying in our home until I figure things out. I’ve been straight with my wife about it and trying not to promise her anything. If I find a lawyer I trust and seems to be honest with me and they tell me it’s best to leave the home then I will do that.

My wife has found an outpatient treatment program she’s going to start attending when they start a new session and have openings. She decided it on her own and found this center in our area that she hasn’t tried yet. She has an appointment to go speak with someone there on Monday and asked me to go along with her, so I’m going to go in support of her but try to stay detached enough that I don’t get my hopes too high over it. There’s still no guarantee she’ll even go to this meeting on Monday let alone follow through with the program, but I guess there’s no sense in sitting here and being negative about it until I have a reason to.


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## Affaircare

@lp86 

You might want to read this thread: https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/wife-apparently-cheated-last-year.443944/

His wife cheated, got an STD, then he caught her, THEN found out she was pregnant. He was firm he was divorcing her, but got a very good custody arrangement for the baby.


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## lp86

Affaircare said:


> @lp86
> 
> You might want to read this thread: https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/wife-apparently-cheated-last-year.443944/
> 
> His wife cheated, got an STD, then he caught her, THEN found out she was pregnant. He was firm he was divorcing her, but got a very good custody arrangement for the baby.


I’ve skimmed some of that thread.

The problem right now is that I never want her to be left alone with the baby. So any sort of custody agreement that would allow that is just not something I can be comfortable with. I know I sound like a control freak. Last night I read an article about over 100 babies who died after being sent home from the hospital with their drug dependent mothers. Many of them were suffocated when mom passed out on top of them. One was accidentally thrown in the washer with a load of dirty clothes because mom was so out of it. It’s got me pretty shaken.


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## Evinrude58

lp86 said:


> I’ve skimmed some of that thread.
> 
> The problem right now is that I never want her to be left alone with the baby. So any sort of custody agreement that would allow that is just not something I can be comfortable with. I know I sound like a control freak. Last night I read an article about over 100 babies who died after being sent home from the hospital with their drug dependent mothers. Many of them were suffocated when mom passed out on top of them. One was accidentally thrown in the washer with a load of dirty clothes because mom was so out of it. It’s got me pretty shaken.


I don’t think you’re being a control freak at all. 
the only thing that I wonder about is how an apparently clear headed, normal guy can only now be considering divorcing a long time heroin addict that’s now pregnant.

you seem so logical and together. How did it get this far?


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## Cynthia

Your behavior in this situation doesn't make you a control freak. It makes you a concerned father. Unfortunately, our wake up calls can often be after something very serious has occurred.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> Thanks. I have enjoyed being an uncle to my nieces and nephews, although I handle them better as little kids than as babies. I had always planned to have children of my own one day but I had started to accept that as long as I remained with my wife it was never going to happen. I’m trying to find happiness in the aspects of the situation where I can, but the guilt and worry are just killing me. I’m trying to be brave on the outside but on the inside I’m just terrified for all 3 of us and the pressure of wanting to protect this baby from every possible thing that could hurt her is pretty overwhelming today.
> 
> I met with the attorney I previously consulted with and I just don’t get a good feeling. He’s talking about court battles and I feel that he’s trying to guarantee something that he can’t guarantee. I know a lot of the facts and numbers and he’s not being straight about it. I’m starting to think he’s just seeing the numbers of dollar signs if this were to become some drawn out thing. So, I’ve set up a meeting with a different lawyer next week.
> 
> For now I am staying in our home only because there’s probably less of a chance of this hurting me than me not staying in our home until I figure things out. I’ve been straight with my wife about it and trying not to promise her anything. If I find a lawyer I trust and seems to be honest with me and they tell me it’s best to leave the home then I will do that.
> 
> My wife has found an outpatient treatment program she’s going to start attending when they start a new session and have openings. She decided it on her own and found this center in our area that she hasn’t tried yet. She has an appointment to go speak with someone there on Monday and asked me to go along with her, so I’m going to go in support of her but try to stay detached enough that I don’t get my hopes too high over it. There’s still no guarantee she’ll even go to this meeting on Monday let alone follow through with the program, but I guess there’s no sense in sitting here and being negative about it until I have a reason to.


I think you are making great decisions here, and they will give you some piece of mind for sure.

Your wife is probably going to be highly motivated to prove to you that she can stay clean early on, because most pregnant women have hormonal changes as the birth gets closer and right after that make her want security and safety for herself and her baby. So she could really mean it and intend to stay off of drugs, so you won't leave her. 

She might have decided to do the outpatient treatment because you moved back in and she wants you to stay. Which is GREAT for her and the baby, so definitely encourage her to do everything to stay clean!

HOWEVER...just like what she proved by going back to drugs after marrying you...SHE IS AN ADDICT FIRST AND ALWAYS.

That means the most likely outcome is that she will start using drugs again once she feels settled in her life after the baby, just like she did after she felt settled in your marriage. So ALWAYS remember that and protect yourself, your child, and your money and property the best way you can from her in case she self-destructs.


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> I’ve skimmed some of that thread.
> 
> The problem right now is that I never want her to be left alone with the baby. So any sort of custody agreement that would allow that is just not something I can be comfortable with. *I know I sound like a control freak. *Last night I read an article about over 100 babies who died after being sent home from the hospital with their drug dependent mothers. Many of them were suffocated when mom passed out on top of them. One was accidentally thrown in the washer with a load of dirty clothes because mom was so out of it. It’s got me pretty shaken.


NOT AT ALL. You have to protect your baby because of what SHE has shown she is capable of! I wouldn't leave her alone with a goldfish!!

You are being CAUTIOUS and WISE.


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## lp86

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t think you’re being a control freak at all.
> the only thing that I wonder about is how an apparently clear headed, normal guy can only now be considering divorcing a long time heroin addict that’s now pregnant.
> 
> you seem so logical and together. How did it get this far?


I’ve considered divorce many times over the past few years but never as seriously as recently, never to the point of actually consulting an attorney.

I don’t quite understand how it got to this point, let alone understand it well enough to be able to explain to someone else.

I’ll admit I enjoyed playing the field for a long time before meeting her and had been with many women. It was fun and I was in no rush to settle down. Plus, I was still waiting for a woman who could hold my interest long term and was a 10/10 as far as what I really wanted in a long term partner. When I met my wife I won’t say live at first sight since that’s too cheesy for me but it was an instant “I’m going to marry her” feeling. I always felt like I sort of had the upper hand with most of the women I’d been with before. I was full of myself. I was putty in my wife’s hands and no woman had ever done that to me before. She was physically beautiful, smart, driven, very successful in her career especially for the age she was at the time (we were in the same career field and she challenged me and competed with me and I liked it, that got me). We had similar interests and hobbies. She was really fun to be with. She was as close to perfect as a woman could get for me. That version of her still has a strong hold on me even though I know that’s not who she is right now. She’s still in there and I see glimpses of her sometimes. I don’t want to give up on that person. I want her back even though I know it might be a ridiculous wish. I’ve tried leaving her and it’s been unsuccessful. I end up feeling guilty. She’ll promise to get better, has even entered rehab or gone to detox and been clean for small blips and I get pulled back in. 

I’ve learned that being in a relationship with an addict really affects everyone in the family. It changes the way you, the non-addicted spouse, behaves and thinks. I’m a lot different than I was 3 years ago. I’ve done things I can’t believe. I’ve tolerated things I can’t believe. You slowly become co-addicted and co-dependent and your life revolves around the addict and being the person who takes care of them and you don’t know how to break free from it. I don’t say that to excuse any of the mistakes I’ve made. It’s hard for me to admit that I am co-dependent and it took a long time before I was able to acknowledge this about myself. I don’t think anyone can fully understand unless they’ve had a similar dynamic with a loved one. It doesn’t make any sense from the outside looking in.


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> I think you are making great decisions here, and they will give you some piece of mind for sure.
> 
> Your wife is probably going to be highly motivated to prove to you that she can stay clean early on, because most pregnant women have hormonal changes as the birth gets closer and right after that make her want security and safety for herself and her baby. So she could really mean it and intend to stay off of drugs, so you won't leave her.
> 
> She might have decided to do the outpatient treatment because you moved back in and she wants you to stay. Which is GREAT for her and the baby, so definitely encourage her to do everything to stay clean!
> 
> HOWEVER...just like what she proved by going back to drugs after marrying you...SHE IS AN ADDICT FIRST AND ALWAYS.
> 
> That means the most likely outcome is that she will start using drugs again once she feels settled in her life after the baby, just like she did after she felt settled in your marriage. So ALWAYS remember that and protect yourself, your child, and your money and property the best way you can from her in case she self-destructs.


I’m leaning toward hoping for the best and going along with things as long as they remain good and headed in a positive direction but expecting and preparing for the worse. 

She relapsed 3 years ago after an old junkie boyfriend of hers died. He overdosed, shocking. She didn’t even know because she hadn’t been in touch with anyone she had used with for years. Her dad mentioned to her that he saw the obituary. If it weren’t for that she probably wouldn’t have known. She became fixated on his death. It’s like she couldn’t stop thinking about it, staring at pictures of him and saying “he’s dead.” You think I care about this guy? She went to the funeral and I told her it wasn’t a good idea. It’s not that it was her ex boyfriend. It was because of the people she’d be around. Sure enough she connected with several “friends” from back then and it wasn’t long before she was socializing with them and she used again and it was downhill from there. I was very mad at her dad for a long time after that. I blamed him for alerting her to this guy’s death and that’s why she relapsed and it was all his fault. Now I realize that was a trigger but if it hadn’t been that it probably would have been something else. I now understand that there doesn’t even have to be a real reason at all. She could be fine one day and the next day just crave that feeling again and it could be too much to resist. I’m currently working on processing what this truly means as far as my life goes, what can I live with? For the short term future I’ve decided to do whatever is in the best interest of our daughter and I will learn how to deal with my wife in healthier ways so I don’t model horrible co-dependent behaviors.


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## farsidejunky

lp86 said:


> I’ve considered divorce many times over the past few years but never as seriously as recently, never to the point of actually consulting an attorney.
> 
> I don’t quite understand how it got to this point, let alone understand it well enough to be able to explain to someone else.
> 
> I’ll admit I enjoyed playing the field for a long time before meeting her and had been with many women. It was fun and I was in no rush to settle down. Plus, I was still waiting for a woman who could hold my interest long term and was a 10/10 as far as what I really wanted in a long term partner. When I met my wife I won’t say live at first sight since that’s too cheesy for me but it was an instant “I’m going to marry her” feeling. I always felt like I sort of had the upper hand with most of the women I’d been with before. I was full of myself. I was putty in my wife’s hands and no woman had ever done that to me before. She was physically beautiful, smart, driven, very successful in her career especially for the age she was at the time (we were in the same career field and she challenged me and competed with me and I liked it, that got me). We had similar interests and hobbies. She was really fun to be with. She was as close to perfect as a woman could get for me. That version of her still has a strong hold on me even though I know that’s not who she is right now. She’s still in there and I see glimpses of her sometimes. I don’t want to give up on that person. I want her back even though I know it might be a ridiculous wish. I’ve tried leaving her and it’s been unsuccessful. I end up feeling guilty. She’ll promise to get better, has even entered rehab or gone to detox and been clean for small blips and I get pulled back in.
> 
> I’ve learned that being in a relationship with an addict really affects everyone in the family. It changes the way you, the non-addicted spouse, behaves and thinks. I’m a lot different than I was 3 years ago. I’ve done things I can’t believe. I’ve tolerated things I can’t believe. You slowly become co-addicted and co-dependent and your life revolves around the addict and being the person who takes care of them and you don’t know how to break free from it. I don’t say that to excuse any of the mistakes I’ve made. It’s hard for me to admit that I am co-dependent and it took a long time before I was able to acknowledge this about myself. I don’t think anyone can fully understand unless they’ve had a similar dynamic with a loved one. It doesn’t make any sense from the outside looking in.


Love consistently leads us to do things we would not otherwise do.

That said, the fable of the scorpion and the frog comes to mind:



https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog



She doesn't want to hurt you. She doesn't want to hurt the baby. She even wants to be better. Unfortunately, she's not capable...at least not right now...and in all probability given the amount of time she's gone to rehab, perhaps never.

The hard part for you is accepting who she is versus who you wish her to be. Sure, that amazing, beautiful, confident, and accomplished woman is in there. But along with that woman is the addict who can't shake the monkey off of her back.

Radical acceptance of who she is...in totality...is the key for you to find your way out of codependency.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Busy Washing My Hair

Maybe you could consider hiring a nanny to help with the baby’s care so that there could be another person there and provide you with a little more peace of mind. Not sure if that’s something that would be in your budget or not but just a thought I had. You can try framing it to your wife in a way where it’s not all about you not trusting her but that you also want to do this so she doesn’t have as much stress and will be able to tend to herself and go to her meetings or whatever treatment she will be doing after baby is born. I think you will really drive yourself crazy trying to be the only safe adult that can be there all the time.


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## lp86

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Maybe you could consider hiring a nanny to help with the baby’s care so that there could be another person there and provide you with a little more peace of mind. Not sure if that’s something that would be in your budget or not but just a thought I had. You can try framing it to your wife in a way where it’s not all about you not trusting her but that you also want to do this so she doesn’t have as much stress and will be able to tend to herself and go to her meetings or whatever treatment she will be doing after baby is born. I think you will really drive yourself crazy trying to be the only safe adult that can be there all the time.


I’ve considered a nanny. Only issue is I wouldn’t want that person to feel like they were babysitting a baby AND my wife.


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## lp86

farsidejunky said:


> Love consistently leads us to do things we would not otherwise do.
> 
> That said, the fable of the scorpion and the frog comes to mind:
> 
> 
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog
> 
> 
> 
> She doesn't want to hurt you. She doesn't want to hurt the baby. She even wants to be better. Unfortunately, she's not capable...at least not right now...and in all probability given the amount of time she's gone to rehab, perhaps never.
> 
> The hard part for you is accepting who she is versus who you wish her to be. Sure, that amazing, beautiful, confident, and accomplished woman is in there. But along with that woman is the addict who can't shake the monkey off of her back.
> 
> Radical acceptance of who she is...in totality...is the key for you to find your way out of codependency.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


You’re spot on. I’ve come a long way on the acceptance journey compared to where I used to be, but I’m constantly reminded that I’m nowhere near as far along as I often think I am.

She told me this weekend that she doesn’t want to be a drug addict and she doesn’t want to ever use heroin again but at the same time she thinks about it every day and she craves it every day even now during pregnancy and she feels incredible guilt over it. I believe she was being completely honest. She didn’t have to admit to me that she thinks about it every day, so I appreciate her honestly at least. It’s the type of thing I need to hear in a way. Rather that than she play pretend about it all.

Then just like that she flips back into her old self and packed up and cleared out an entire room in the span of a few hours this morning and is expecting is to go to the store today to get paint to turn it into the baby’s room. That’s the old, motivated version of her who wants to do something and just organizes herself and makes it happen. She thinks she’s going to have the whole room taped off and prepped for paint by tonight and she probably will. Frankly I’m terrified of doing anything so concrete right now. I’m too scared she’s going to go off the rails and there will be no baby. I can’t put it off forever but I never thought I’d be so nervous about some pastel paint!


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## Beach123

So let HER do it all. She can organize the nursery. 

in the meantime - you keep devising your plan to be sure the baby is cared for - even in the worst case scenario.

maybe get full custody? Visitation for her - supervised. At least until the child can inform you of scenarios at her place.

it really doesn’t matter what SHE wants - you DO and make decisions that are best for a newborn. Who cares if she’s mad - remind her that SHE created an unsafe environment for a baby in utero. So all of what she wants is meaningless now.

petition the court for a situation that’s helpful. Maybe you don’t need to divorce her? Maybe just get custody of the baby.

even IF you were around every day - there’s still the chance she could accidentally suffocate the baby or accidentally put it in with the wash - there’s no guarantee even while you’re policing her. That’s why for the first few years - supervised SHORT visits while she deals with her cravings and attempts to stay sober long term.


set up to care for the baby on your own! Give the newborn bottles. Keep the mother at bay as long as possible. No breast milk! She could pass it to the baby if she uses.

have you seen the show “dopesick”? 
it shows the long term affects of heroin and how much someone craves it even long after stopping. Watch it - it’s good. It’s hard to stop heroin even when a person WANTS to kick that habit.


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## lp86

Beach123 said:


> So let HER do it all. She can organize the nursery.
> 
> in the meantime - you keep devising your plan to be sure the baby is cared for - even in the worst case scenario.
> 
> maybe get full custody? Visitation for her - supervised. At least until the child can inform you of scenarios at her place.
> 
> it really doesn’t matter what SHE wants - you DO and make decisions that are best for a newborn. Who cares if she’s mad - remind her that SHE created an unsafe environment for a baby in utero. So all of what she wants is meaningless now.
> 
> petition the court for a situation that’s helpful. Maybe you don’t need to divorce her? Maybe just get custody of the baby.
> 
> even IF you were around every day - there’s still the chance she could accidentally suffocate the baby or accidentally put it in with the wash - there’s no guarantee even while you’re policing her. That’s why for the first few years - supervised SHORT visits while she deals with her cravings and attempts to stay sober long term.
> 
> 
> set up to care for the baby on your own! Give the newborn bottles. Keep the mother at bay as long as possible. No breast milk! She could pass it to the baby if she uses.
> 
> have you seen the show “dopesick”?
> it shows the long term affects of heroin and how much someone craves it even long after stopping. Watch it - it’s good. It’s hard to stop heroin even when a person WANTS to kick that habit.


Yeah but keep in mind that it’s not as simple as just telling the court I think I should get full custody and being handed it in a silver platter. 

At this point I think the chances are slim to none that would happen, unless she really goes off the rails while still pregnant and makes no attempt to fix it before or after birth. 

The attorney I spoke with was already talking about litigation and court battles. I will be speaking to 2 more lawyers to get their takes on the situation and realistic outcomes as things stand now and to help me plan my next moves. 

If she does something to screw up after the baby is born there’s a much higher chance of her being required to submit to regular testing and supervised visitation. At that point that’s what I hope would happen. That’s what I would fight for in court and I think it would be a very good plan. 

I’ve not seen dopesick but I have a hard time reading or watching anything about addiction anymore. I used to a lot when she first relapsed but at this point I’ve witnessed enough of it first hand to see how difficult it is for somebody to stop using even when a large part of them really wishes they could. She’s been very open with me, at times, about her experience. She knows I can’t truly understand what it’s like but she has tried the best she can to explain it and sometimes she doesn’t have to say anything. When you walk into a room to find your wife overdosing and she spends a night in the hospital just to get out the next day and rush to her dealer, you start to understand just how bad it is. It’s not that I was completely naive about it before marrying her either. I just chose to ignore common sense.

Surprisingly, breastfeeding is actually encouraged in these situations. As long as the mother is on a prescribed maintenance and continuing her treatment, it’s thought that breastfeeding is beneficial to both mom and baby. A lot of the ways these situations are handled don’t mesh with what most of us think is common sense.


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## Beach123

You are a fool if you don’t get a solid plan in place.
If you think breastfeeding is encouraged when a woman has previously put the baby at risk while pregnant - that’s ridiculous!

do some things to help that innocent baby! Who cares about how your wife feels at this point - you have a lot of evidence she isn’t fit to be a mother!

Believe me I’ve seen enough heroin users. I’ve been in the thick of helping many get clean/ some do some don’t.
I can say that when there’s a partner making things easy for them and taking away their consequences - they don’t stay sober.

you need to work on YOUR codependency issues.


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## lp86

Beach123 said:


> You are a fool if you don’t get a solid plan in place.
> If you think breastfeeding is encouraged when a woman has previously put the baby at risk while pregnant - that’s ridiculous!
> 
> do some things to help that innocent baby! Who cares about how your wife feels at this point - you have a lot of evidence she isn’t fit to be a mother!
> 
> Believe me I’ve seen enough heroin users. I’ve been in the thick of helping many get clean/ some do some don’t.
> I can say that when there’s a partner making things easy for them and taking away their consequences - they don’t stay sober.
> 
> you need to work on YOUR codependency issues.


Who said anything about not having a plan? My plan right now is to prepare for baby, support my wife in her recovery efforts, and work on my codependency. As I’ve said before, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I’m meeting with multiple attorneys to get some different perspectives and hear from professionals what my options and likely outcomes are right now. I’ll work with them to get my ducks in a row and will have multiple plans ready to be put into action, dependent on different scenarios, if the need arises. 

I was standing right there when one of my wife’s doctors told her that breastfeeding is encouraged, provided that the mother is taking only the maintenance drug, that she continues to test negative for any additional drugs, that she is in a treatment program, along with a few other criteria. It’s not simply something I think. It’s according to the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine. There are several benefits to mother and baby. I wouldn’t have believed it either until the doctor told us and I read the pamphlets we were given. 

I plan to do everything in my power to protect my child.

I know I’ve made mistakes and have inadvertently enabled my wife in so many ways. I am going to put work into myself so that I will hopefully not do that anymore. My main focus is the safety of the child. If I file for divorce and full custody right away, chances are that the court will give her a chance or even multiple chances as long as she continues doing the type of stuff she’s doing now. What happens then when the court splits our time with the baby 50/50? That leaves the baby completely in her care with me not there half the time. Then I have to wait for her to screw up before maybe they’ll take the 50/50 arrangement away. How bad will that screw up be? To me that is a much greater risk than a situation where we’re in the same home to start. It’s not perfect, but none of my options are. I’m still speaking with attorneys and some other professionals that deal with these things to get a better idea.


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## Busy Washing My Hair

Who cares what strangers on an Internet forum think you should do @lp86. They mean well but I suggest continuing to gather information from professionals, whether it’s attorneys, doctors, child protective services, counselors, whoever you need to talk to.l to make the best and most informed decisions. That sounds like it’s exactly what you’re doing. 

Did your wife go to her appointment at the treatment center this week?


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## lp86

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Who cares what strangers on an Internet forum think you should do @lp86. They mean well but I suggest continuing to gather information from professionals, whether it’s attorneys, doctors, child protective services, counselors, whoever you need to talk to.l to make the best and most informed decisions. That sounds like it’s exactly what you’re doing.
> 
> Did your wife go to her appointment at the treatment center this week?


yeah thanks I know you’re right. 

She went to the appointment at the rehab yesterday and I accompanied her. They did a full assessment to determine if she would be a good fit for one of their outpatient programs. As long as she doesn’t back out she can begin an outpatient program there in mid-August. She’ll go M-F for 5 hours a day for 3 weeks, possibly longer if they determine she needs to. Then she can step down to the next program that is 3 hours a day for a month. They also offer family counseling that we can go to together and they will help me to support her at home in ways that are healthy for both of us. I’m happy and am doing my best to support her and talk about it without making a huge deal out of it because I know she hates that. I won’t get my hopes up too high since there’s still so much time for her to back out, but she got through today so I’ll be satisfied with that.


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## Busy Washing My Hair

That’s very good news, especially since they offer counseling for both of you. I hope she follows through and puts genuine effort into the program. I think you should allow yourself to be very happy about it for now, until and unless she backs out. It’s ok to feel some happy emotions as long as you try to stay rooted in reality about it all. Be realistic but don’t torture yourself with all of the negative “what if” scenarios. What was she doing 2 months ago? At least this is worlds better than that.

Do you think she’s being genuine about it or do you worry it’s just for show?


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## LisaDiane

lp86 said:


> yeah thanks I know you’re right.
> 
> She went to the appointment at the rehab yesterday and I accompanied her. They did a full assessment to determine if she would be a good fit for one of their outpatient programs. As long as she doesn’t back out she can begin an outpatient program there in mid-August. She’ll go M-F for 5 hours a day for 3 weeks, possibly longer if they determine she needs to. Then she can step down to the next program that is 3 hours a day for a month. They also offer family counseling that we can go to together and they will help me to support her at home in ways that are healthy for both of us. I’m happy and am doing my best to support her and talk about it without making a huge deal out of it because I know she hates that. I won’t get my hopes up too high since there’s still so much time for her to back out, but she got through today so I’ll be satisfied with that.


Did you notice anything different with this program compared to the other(s) she's been to? How many times has she been to rehab?


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## lp86

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Do you think she’s being genuine about it or do you worry it’s just for show?


I think it’s mostly genuine. Although I have mentioned that she may want to consider using this time before the baby is born to seek treatment and all of her doctors ask her about it during her visits, I don’t get the impression that she is feeling overly pressured by others or doing this to get people off her back.

I believe she genuinely wants to be free of it and to be able to be a healthy mom to her baby. She has said she doesn’t want her baby to have a junkie for a mother and she knows our child deserves better than that. I think she feels a lot of guilt and regret for using while pregnant. She is scared about the baby being taken away from her so of course that comes into play here. She wants to show that she’s making an effort but I think she wants to put in an actual effort as well.


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## lp86

LisaDiane said:


> Did you notice anything different with this program compared to the other(s) she's been to? How many times has she been to rehab?


Different? I’m not sure, really. Most of her rehab experiences were before I was involved. She’s been to inpatient rehab 2.5 times and outpatient rehab 3 times.


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## Busy Washing My Hair

How are things going at home now that you’ve been back for a few weeks?


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## lp86

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> How are things going at home now that you’ve been back for a few weeks?


It’s been ok. Definitely the calmest living with her has been in a long time. She just wants to fall right back into how things were before, meaning before she relapsed 3 years ago. Sometimes it’s easy to find myself acting like I did in before times but I’m also not ready to pretend like everything is fine and dandy. There’s no real arguments going on about it because she seems to realize why I’m not ready to do that.

I’ve not moved into the spare bedroom and started treating her like a roommate like some people I know suggested I do. I’m being guarded but I’m committed to supporting her and being her husband right now and it’s what feels right to me at the moment.

Her dosage has been reduce by the tiniest amount after weeks of her begging the doctor and she’s functioning on the outside like a normal person again. She’s getting bored at home since she’s mot actually passed out all day. We can go out and do things like normal people again and it’s like the smallest thing makes me so happy. She’s also started doing some little work related tasks for me at home (her request, to keep her busy and have something productive to do). She used to work in this field and has all of the knowledge and expertise to handle certain paperwork, so I’ve been giving her busy work which seems to make her happy.


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I’ve *not* moved into the spare bedroom and started treating her like a roommate like some people I know suggested I do. I’m being guarded but I’m committed to supporting her and being her husband right now and it’s what feels right to me at the moment.


Thanks for the update. 
Regarding the above quote, did you mean "now" or "not"?
It looks like things are going as well as can be expected. If this continues, you can live comfortably like this for a long time.


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## aine

lp86 said:


> It’s been ok. Definitely the calmest living with her has been in a long time. She just wants to fall right back into how things were before, meaning before she relapsed 3 years ago. Sometimes it’s easy to find myself acting like I did in before times but I’m also not ready to pretend like everything is fine and dandy. There’s no real arguments going on about it because she seems to realize why I’m not ready to do that.
> 
> I’ve not moved into the spare bedroom and started treating her like a roommate like some people I know suggested I do. I’m being guarded but I’m committed to supporting her and being her husband right now and it’s what feels right to me at the moment.
> 
> Her dosage has been reduce by the tiniest amount after weeks of her begging the doctor and she’s functioning on the outside like a normal person again. She’s getting bored at home since she’s mot actually passed out all day. We can go out and do things like normal people again and it’s like the smallest thing makes me so happy. She’s also started doing some little work related tasks for me at home (her request, to keep her busy and have something productive to do). She used to work in this field and has all of the knowledge and expertise to handle certain paperwork, so I’ve been giving her busy work which seems to make her happy.


Glad things are moving along nicely but with any addict, do not let down your guard at all. I agree with those people who said you should sleep separately. If you do not envisage a life with this woman apart from co-parenting, you need to disengage and cut the emotional ties as soon as possible. It will become more difficult once the kid is here. Have you decided on what you want for your future?


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## lp86

Cynthia said:


> Thanks for the update.
> Regarding the above quote, did you mean "now" or "not"?
> It looks like things are going as well as can be expected. If this continues, you can live comfortably like this for a long time.


I meant *not*.


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## lp86

aine said:


> Glad things are moving along nicely but with any addict, do not let down your guard at all. I agree with those people who said you should sleep separately. If you do not envisage a life with this woman apart from co-parenting, you need to disengage and cut the emotional ties as soon as possible. It will become more difficult once the kid is here. Have you decided on what you want for your future?


Guard is still up. I’m watching her actions closely. I still do some crazy-making things too, like check all of her past hiding spots, which is ridiculous because she could just find new ones.

I’m conflicted about the future. I don’t want just a co-parenting relationship with her. What I really want is for her to be clean and for us to remain married and to focus on our kid. Right now I’m giving her that chance. I’d say we aren’t living like roommates and I’m definitely not disengaging but there’s no sex going on and I’m not interested in pretending like it’s 4 or 5 years ago and everything is normal. My focus right now is preparing for the baby (which also includes me formulating my own personal emergency plans) and figuring out how I can best support her right now as her husband. We will have to rebuild some areas of our relationship, which will take time.

I also know we’re not living in dreamland. Problem is that I can’t afford to give her multiple chances after this because there’s a kid involved. If she goes off the rails again, and I know there’s a good chance, then I’ll have to take action and yeah at that point it’ll be harder for me to detach and disengage than it would be if I started that process right now. 

I just want to give her this one chance to know that I did, that I tried everything to support her in a healthy, non co-dependent/enabling way.


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## Cynthia

lp86 said:


> I meant *not*.


I see. You moved back in and are sleeping in the same bed. It sounds like a stupid thing to do, but under the circumstances of not knowing if this could go on for years or for months, I can understand why you are doing it like this. You have to make choices that you think are best under the circumstances and I can see that you're doing that.
(edit to add: I don't think you're stupid. What I mean is that on the surface some things may seem dumb, but when you consider all the circumstances, it makes sense.) I do think, however, that it would be best for you to be in your own room until she has had time to seriously show that she's made progress, maybe a year or so, after she has gotten completely off the drugs. Having boundaries in place and her knowing that isn't going to be easy is important to set a standard for her to live up to and to grow into something more.


lp86 said:


> I also know we’re not living in dreamland. Problem is that I can’t afford to give her multiple chances after this because there’s a kid involved. If she goes off the rails again, and I know there’s a good chance, then I’ll have to take action and yeah at that point it’ll be harder for me to detach and disengage than it would be if I started that process right now.
> 
> I just want to give her this one chance to know that I did, that I tried everything to support her in a healthy, non co-dependent/enabling way.


This is all documented that she is on drugs during pregnancy. You can have your child tested and keep the test results, so you have documentation that your baby was born addicted to drugs. If she crashes again, you will have a much better chance of getting 100% custody with only supervised visitation.
I also recommend that you write out everything that has happened with as many dates as possible, so you have it all available should you need it in the future.
What is going on here is that you don't trust her. Always remember that it's not your job to rebuild trust. It's not even possible. That's all on her.
There are people who quit drugs and never go back. Nicotine is one of the top five most difficult drugs to quit. I smoked for years. When I got pregnant, I quit and have remained a non-smoker now for almost 30 years. I stayed an ex-smoker, even though my husband continued to smoke. Having a child is what finally made me able to kick the habit for good. Hopefully this will be the case with your wife and heroin.


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