# loveless marriage, endless resentment



## smokedout (Mar 31, 2009)

Hello, I don't know what I expect to accomplish by posting this or who will reply, but I am desperate for short term advice while I look into relationship counselors in my area.

My wife and I are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together and monogamous since our mid-teens. My wife is the only person I've ever "been" with, but she had a number of partners before me.

In the early days I would say that the sex was good, but never mind blowing like you grow up expecting it to be from media and porn. The freshness of it all obviously helped in the beginning, but overall I have never been satisfied and I don't think she has been either. Over time we have grown apart emotionally and physically to the point where there is no intimacy between us. For example we have had sex three times in the past six months, one of which was a pathetic birthday-lay... that one was awkward because I felt so pathetic accepting it when I knew she didn't even care, she just felt obligated because it was my birthday. Also we have a 2 year old daughter sharing the bed room (but not the bed) with us... this will be changing soon. The infrequent sex got even more so after pregnancy.

So we don't have sex, but worse than that my wife is not at all affectionate with me. There are no kisses, no hugs, no touching, teasing or flirting. When we talk it often turns to arguing. Many times it seems she cannot hide the fact that she cannot stand my company. And from my perspective, she never tries to be sexy or feminine, I don't know how to describe the quality.

I have tried to entice her and be romantic, doing things like cooking a nice dinner and setting up candles, etc. but it was painfully awkward and of course ended in rejection. I feel completely rejected & unloved and it is so indescribably painful. The loneliness in my life is crushing. I feel like this situation is killing me, like I can't breathe, like I'm trapped in a loveless marriage.

I work from home and make enough money that she is able to stay home with our daughter. This I feel has exacerbated our relationship issues. We are around each other 24/7 and have ample opportunity to argue.

Basically I just want to have intimacy with my wife again. I want her to care about it as much as I do. I want her to want to be with me, not even just sex but anything. I want her to want to be close to me and enjoy my company. And my ultimate wish is to be able to have frequent wild uninhibited sex with her. I am the more inhibited one, and sometimes I get "performance anxiety" if you know what I mean. I know I am probably not that good at love making, but I always felt that I am overall generous and good enough. And how can I get better without practice & communication?

My wife does not like me to see her naked anymore... this is a source of great sorrow for me. Even when we have sex it is ONLY at night, in the dark, right before we pass out from exhaustion from the day. She also does not really seem to like me to touch her, and she seems uncomfortable when I am too close to her. During her pregnancy she started sleeping with a big giant pillow between us and still does... there is no room to cuddle and even if i try to cuddle or touch her she moves away or acts like I am keep her awake.

Ultimately when these issues come up now, and it is very hard to bring them up because it usually ruins at least a day and puts us at heightened levels of biterness, my wife makes me feel like all these issues are my fault in one way or another. She says that I am impossible to get along with. That I am mean, self centered, and only care about myself. I obviously do not feel this is true, but do not know how to work to change her opinion of me. She is not forgiving towards me and I think she holds on to a lot of resentment.

I just don't know what to do here. I never pictured my life like this at 24 years old. I am so unhappy and I feel so alone. The emotional pain is so intense that I feel it physically every day, and it creeps into every part of my life.

Any advice? 

Thanks...


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Thanks for posting such a heartfelt message. I went through a huge life change after having kids, I have two sons, age 7 and 3. The postpartum period is very difficult. Adjusting to a new fragile person in the house is extremely challenging. I take care of the boys 95% of the time, and I work 16 hours a week. I had almost zero free time, and I blamed my husband and thought he was an incompetent father and husband. My lifestyle switched to being a mother all the time, and I rarely focesed on my marriage. So how did I get out of this damaging mindset? I am still working on it. I sought a lot of advice and support online. The sex part didn't return to normal until about a year ago. It is a long struggle. Each couple approaches parenthood differently. Good Luck. Sorry, I don't have better advice. How about giving your wife a day off ? Watch your daughter, and tell her to go to the spa and pamper herself.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are on the right track--get a counselor even if you are the only one going. It appears you have several problems going on and the bitterness is rising on both sides. A good counselor will help you sort these out.

Is there a chance your wife is seeing anyone else? My husband started behaving as she is when he started having affairs. The emotional and physical "distancing" is always a bad sign.

In the meantime you may want to read some marriage and self-help books. I have found them to be very enlightening.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I feel for you. I had a similar, yet different situation. I am the wife, and sex stopped completely once I became pregnant. It didn't really get back to normal, after. And I felt so ugly, unwanted, unloved.... also, he's got low testosterone... so, I can't ignore that, or blame it entirely on him. His drive is not that of a normal 44 year old man, and I'm 10 years younger, and often sexually frustrated, and alone.

but ,we've been working on it, and it's getting better! 

You're doing the right thing,,,, counseling.

Might I suggest the book, "Love Dare"....

I looked at it in the book store, adn it seems like an amazing book, and journey. I plan on buying it, as soon as I have 15 bucks to spare... 

You have to talk to your wife. Let her know how devestated you are.

Update us please?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

"Love Dare" is a great suggestion, my wife and I did it and we have not been closer ever in our marriage than we have been the last 2-3 months.

There are about 10 of the 40 "days" that are kind of meaningless if you don't believe in the Bible as they are 100% spiritual in nature. However, the other 25-30 days are GREAT for marriage.

ESPECIALLY the first 15-20 days.


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## smokedout (Mar 31, 2009)

ok so latest update is that things have been really rough... I've been angry a lot and I keep taking it out on her. We will be going on perfectly well, doing the family thing, and a few hours will pass and I will start to dwell on how messed up our relationship is. Then I get mad and start being passive aggressive, petty, and down right mean. 

So she says it's hard to feel comfortable around me etc. when I'm always so stressed, and I say maybe I wouldn't be so stressed out if I was getting some affection or something

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm just going to try really hard to be pleasant no matter how I feel. I hope she is not duping me with this whole "if you are more pleasant I will like you and it will lead to intamacy" bit tho, i dont know how long i can wait for results


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

that is the eternal cycle.... you are frustrated, and uptight, because you desire a sexual union with her, and she's not in to it... so you lash out, because you're hurt and sick of being alone... then , she closes down, and is even more in a retreat position. 

And then she says if you would be nice, that she'd want to make love more, so you're nice for as long as you can be, and then you dwell on your sadness and lonliness, and you lash out again... and in the meantime, neither one of you had sex during the "okay" time.

It's a vicious cycle. It's very hard to break. My hubby and I sort of went through the same thing. You have got to forgive your wife, for hurting you. Be totally open to fixing this, and it might mean that you have to wait another 6 months to have meaningful sex with her, but she's worth that, right? In the meantime, you shouldn't feel like you can't masturbate. This is a normal thing for men and women to do anyway. And if you're not getting any, it can be a way to relieve your frustration, so that you're not hurled into temptation to cheat. 

I really think you need to see a therapist. Both of you together, and also separately. Having a baby can totally change a woman's outlook, on life, sex, marriage, everything... and likely you are Both very tired, especially if you've got a 2 year old! hehe...

First thing though.... get the baby out of your room. I know, I know... you're probly saying, no can do... but, you have to realize, that this might be a Huge reason that your wife is not in to sex. Unless you are going to do it during the day, on the couch, while your child takes naps in your bedroom, or at night, on the couch while your child is in bed.... then you will have to realize that having a toddler in the same bedroom as you and your wife, is probly one of the huge reasons sex has not resumed like it should. Even if she's not in the same bed. I have a two year old also.. and I would feel REally really weird having sex if he was in the same room, asleep or not. 

You and your wife will have to resolve to get the child into her own room. Your bedroom is your sanctuary as adults, your love nest, if you will. It's not mean, cruel, or improper for you to put your child in her own room. And you have every right as parents to have your own private space. 

This will likely be very hard though, if she has been used to sleeping with you all this time. but, if you want your sex life back, it's gotta be done. Ask your pediatrician about ways to ease the transition to her own bed. I had a cousin that slept with his parents, and then on a separate bed in their room... guess what...

He was in their room till he was TEN YEARS OLD , sleeping on the floor, next to their bed.... needless to say, their marriage suffered a bit, they never had any time alone. Even after the kids went to bed, they couldn't be alone. 

If your wife fights you on this, put your foot down. Unless it's you who wants your child in your bedroom. And if so, then please realize that having her in her own room, is healthy, normal, and won't result in any long term psychological damage. 

If you do this first thing, moving your toddler,,, I have a feeling sex won't be so much of a no no to your wife. She might feel that it's improper to be having sex when her child is a few feet away in your room. I would feel that way too. It's a bit uncomfortable at the least. 

Can you try this? And see if it does not improve the situation? your wife has essentially fallen into a rut.. and you've got to jog her out of it. update us... I hope this helped any.


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## smokedout (Mar 31, 2009)

hey thank you for your replies, they have been helpful. Today is going great so far. I think posting and talking/thinking through all the issues has helped a lot by itself. I think even just explaining out the pattern of behavior has helped me to see how futile it is. 

And you are right that she IS worth it. I should be more understanding and patient. I love her and want her to be happy. Even if sex never happens again, I still want her to be a happy person. 

PS: the kid is in our room because I have to fix her bed and her door... I have to lower the bed (used to be crib we never used). Also one of the hinges came off on the door and I don't know how to fix it :scratchhead:

so as soon as the bed and the door are fixed, she will have her own room!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

smokedout said:


> PS: the kid is in our room because I have to fix her bed and her door... I have to lower the bed (used to be crib we never used). Also one of the hinges came off on the door and I don't know how to fix it :scratchhead:


If the door is off the hinge because the screws have been pulled out of the door jamb or door and there is nothing for them to grab onto now, try taking a number of tooth picks and jam them into the holes very tightly. Tap them in with a hammer and break or cut them off at the surface. Once in, re-screw the hinge on. It will hold.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"Even if sex never happens again, I still want her to be a happy person."

Don't think that way! LOL... not that it's not sweet. but that is not really going to work for you, is it? You have every right to want, and have an expectation of sex in your marriage. Just know that fixing this, is likely not gonna happen over night. 

As soon as you get the door back on, and baby is in her own room... then lay it on thick!

Make her a nice candle light dinner, if you can't cook, order out honey...

Have some nice wine, a little music, even ask her to dance... then, give her a nice massage... And grab her and take her to the bedroom, and tell her she's in for the ride of her life! lol...

You just have to keep on trying. She might be feeling like her only role now, is as a Mommy, and not a sexy, hot, wife anymore. It's so easy for women to fall into this trap, and forget that they have a husband who is wanting and willing to make love and cherish their bodies. 

So, remind her... don't stop till she gets it. and I think the therapy could really help too.

tip:

one thing that really gets me going, is for my hubby to kiss all up and down the back of my legs,,, back, and ummm other places ;-)

Doh! did I say any of that out loud? Even though we have our own sex issues.... I do so cherish every second I get to be with him when he's naked hehe.....

Tell us how it's going...


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## April (Apr 8, 2009)

I've been reading your post and it really saddens me to see you in this situation. I'm on the other side of the coin, I am the wife who rejects the husband, but for different reasons that I won't go into here as it does not pertain to you. However, if she's feeling unattractive and spurning your advances then I would suggest that you take things really slowly, if you can get as far as just a cuddle then leave it at that for the time being. 

Just try holding hands when out walking, or even stroking her back or hair if you are standing beside her. (but don't keep doing it, just do it a couple of times) I know that from my end I associate any form of touching from my husband as just a perfunctory gesture before he wants sex, no matter how I feel and it just makes it so much worse, I feel myself putting up the barriers and retreating into myself.

You need to get her to realise that just because you touch her it needn't mean sex every time.

April


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## smokedout (Mar 31, 2009)

Amplexor: thanks, I will try it.

marina: good suggestions but wife won't drink any alcohol except at weddings so no wine, i don't dance except maybe in private with my kid sometimes, and also my wife doesn't like me to try to give her massages anymore cause she says I'm really bad at it. The no-drinking on her part sucks too, because the last time she was really drunk she was REALLY horny.. in fact that was probably the last time we had good sex, back around xmas-2007 I think it was.

april: I do a lot of the touching you suggest but honestly most of the time when I do my wife acts like it really annoys her. maybe she is thinking the same as you, that it's just a gesture before I want sex. But one thing I don't understand is don't women still get horney? like for example just b/c I was mad at a chick doesn't mean I wouldn't **** her. Don't women still have "needs"? How can a women be happy never getting any...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i hate to be direct, but SHE is the one that needs to work on this. She sounds like the one with the issues and until she recognizes it and wants to fix it, aint much you can do to change it. Some of the suggestions above seem to put the onus on you, but i feel like it just sets you up for more rejection. Of course we may not know the whole story, but based on the info you have given shae has checked out on you. Again, sorry to sound so direct.


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## smokedout (Mar 31, 2009)

hey just a quick update... thanks everyone for the positive encouragement!

I actually went to home depot today and got the screws I needed to fix the door, and a new door handle, and I completely fixed the kid's room door. I also fixed the bed, and she is sleeping soundly in her own room for the first time in her life  I agreed to stay up all night and listen for her just in case. 

So I did this and the next step is to lay it on hard and get my wife to open up maybe without the kid around. I knew today wouldn't work, but I tried a little any way. I was like "we should christen having our room back" but it didnt work. I knew it wouldn't work and was prepared for it so the rejection didnt really bother me.

What is the best way to really go about the laying it on thick part. I honestly don't feel like dinner/candles will work for me. It would be too awkward from the start, unless it was really casual and not obvious. Any tips? Is there a real way to romance a women that is not stupid or cliche or whateveR?

Thanks

PS: i dont think my wife would ever let me kiss the back of her legs but i dont know, she wouldnt exppext it from em


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Back of her neck? My wife goes crazy if I kis the back of her neck and grab/massage the back of her neck/head and play with her hair.


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## April (Apr 8, 2009)

That's a great start, it's very important that the child is out of your room. I know you probably won't want to do this, but if you can, try and take things back to the beginning, try and remember what you were like when you first went out together, you don't have to do the candle dinner thing if it feels false.

Make a date together, just to go out, to a movie, or a walk, something simple and non-confrontational. Pick her a bunch of wild flowers (even just 1!) I always joke to my husband that he never brings me anything, not even a daisy (but underneath, I mean it, he doesn't bring me anything without expecting something in return and it really sets my guard up.

Re


> But one thing I don't understand is don't women still get horney? like for example just b/c I was mad at a chick doesn't mean I wouldn't **** her. Don't women still have "needs"? How can a women be happy never getting any


Yes we do, but when you have children our priorities change (not every woman mind you!) We have other things to think about, and for me, I have to have my mind engaged as well as my body, without that, sex is the furthest thing on my mind. Men seem to be able to segregate the two and be able to jump anyone, anytime. What about going dancing together or finding a pastime you can both do. Get some common ground and really _talk_ to her, that's part of my problem, he doesn't talk to me unless it's about household stuff, we've lost the common ground that brought us together in the first place.
Do you think that may help?


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## SEH (Mar 2, 2009)

I believe that you received really good advice. I will only add an article that might reinforce what April has already suggested: How to Help a Sexless Marriage. You are still young and hopefully this is only a bump in the road.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

smokedout-

It's a long read, but some answers might be in here:
Sexless Marriage?

Let me know if anything registers.


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## sharonmaria66 (Dec 18, 2010)

hi i would like someone to comment on my story, good or bad, i have been with my man for 18 years and we have been married for three years. we are now getting a divorce, this is my husbands want. He has had a loveless relationship for many of these years. The beginning of our relationship was very volatile and we had really bad fights, there is so much more i need to write but feel i will be here all day. There are many times where we have been very close and we do get on very well as we have so much in common. My husband had finished the relationship because he says I have never let him out, i don't let him have friends, i don't cuddle him, we don't have sex, we don't kiss. During this relationship he has done emotional blackmail, he has still been physically abusive to me he plays mind games he shouts at me, he says i get on his nerves in most of the conversations and swears in most of his comments to me. We have had so many conversations in the past reference our relationship and what he doesn't like and i have always come up with crappy answers. he hit 40 went to china for two weeks and now knows that he doesn't love me. i really don't want a divorce because whilst he was in china i realised how much i really loved him and how i needed to change, he realised that he could live without me.when he told me he wanted a divorce i was devastated and after opening up to him i realised that i needed help so went to the doctors and asked for help. during our relationship i had realised that something was wrong with mean needed help because i know i really loved him but couldn't understand why i could not touch him, cuddle him , kiss him.the long and short of it is i have now seen a psychiatrist and have unburdened 42 years of emotional abuse, my mother and father, my childhood my brother and now my husband all the people that were supposed to love and protect me have emotionally abused me and i know have a mental condition that will be helped by intensive therapy. the psychiatrist has said that it is not my fault but what happened to me in my childhood and the rest of the people i have come in contact with after . i also believe that my husband also has issues that he needs to discuss about his childhood and to get the scars out of his head that i have caused him during our relationship. my question is after i have had help i know that i will be everything my husband needs and i know how much i love him but it cant work with just me, my husband says that he loves me as a friend because of what i have done to him during our relationship which as i now know was out of my control, do you think we can work this out at all i would reallylike to but can i ask my husband t o love me as he did may this year or do i give up can you please let me know your comments please thankyou


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## love_is_not_all (Nov 12, 2011)

Apart from sex, love, etc. How is her relationship with your parents, siblings in general? If a woman is not friendly with your family, friends - then chances are she does not enjoy your company too. 

My personal observation, others may not agree. A person has to love their surrounding to love anyone. Miserable people do not even love themselves. 

This type of relationships is a drag no matter how hard you try or how long. Never improves. I have been in the same situation for the past 18 yrs and I am beyond feeling hurt or frustrated - have stopped trying anything to improve and stay happy for the kids. I do not talk about her with my close circle as that ruins my valuable enjoyable time. Our sex life is dead for many years - so nothing to talk about that too. 

I would say - it is better to leave the relationship early if there are signs of strains. Kids are tough to leave but it is damn hard? You can try to fix something if the problems start 10+ yrs after marriage. My problem also started within 3 yrs in the relationship and felt exactly same was as you, after 15 yrs the situation is 100 times worse - emotionally, physically, mentally and above all financially. People who do not love have low self esteem, do not enjoy work, no respect or appreciation for money -- they are natural spenders..

Hope you are living a happy life wherever you are.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

i hope things improve for you. seems very similar to me and im 27.
she may have depression which my wife ended up getting.

my wife doesnt liek sex with lights on either and wont let me see her naked.



we are trying counselling at present and is helping a bit


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