# My diluted way of dealing with his infidelity..Help!



## Unresolved (Apr 14, 2012)

Its been 2 years since I found out about my husbands affair. A little background, he had a 1 year affair with a co-workeer and lied to the lasst dying day until I got all the info I needed from the AP partner herself. I had to pry and threaten but I got the answer I was looking for after suspicions were getting the best of me for months.

Anyhow fast forward to about a year ago and I discovered casinos. I'm not sure if I have ever truly forgiven him for this and am now coping by going and splurging my money away, which is only causing more misery to our relationship. I own this problem and just today I have seeked help for it. What I should've done was seek help after the initial shock of discovering his affair, but I didn't. 

We have been together for 15 years and married 10 with a 12 year old. Is it possible I never got over the affair? I really don't understand why I'm even going there in the first place. I have only come to this conclusion in recent days and am torn at how upset he gets over it...but at the same time I figure oh well at least I'm not out screwing someone.

Very diluted way of thinking I suppose. I am just trying to grasp it all. Not sure if this is my way of coping or what. 

I look forward to any questions or responses out there. thanks


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It looks like you tried to sweep it under the rug. You can't. You and he have to deal with it. Sit down and ask the questions you need to ask.


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## Unresolved (Apr 14, 2012)

I really don't think thats the case whatsoever.

I exposed...moved out for awhile with my son, and had plans to move on with my life. I made him work real hard for us to patch things back up. I suppose I still have unfinished resentment bottled up for some reason or another. I don't see many improvements to our relationship especially the communication. I think I have bottled up my feelings and don't care to share them with him anymore. I haven't told him I love him since D-day, and this was also mentioned to me today by him. I do love him...the in love..not so much anymore.

He's just not the man I thought he once was. I am still devasted and think my way of coping is by heading out to the local casino. I just don't know anymore.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Understandable.

You rug swept his affair. He lied and you caught him.

Did he feel remorseful? Why did you forgive him so easily?

Where were you?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Unresolved said:


> I really don't think thats the case whatsoever.
> 
> I exposed...moved out for awhile with my son, and had plans to move on with my life. I made him work real hard for us to patch things back up. I suppose I still have unfinished resentment bottled up for some reason or another. I don't see many improvements to our relationship especially the communication. I think I have bottled up my feelings and don't care to share them with him anymore. I haven't told him I love him since D-day, and this was also mentioned to me today by him. I do love him...the in love..not so much anymore.
> 
> He's just not the man I thought he once was. I am still devasted and think my way of coping is by heading out to the local casino. I just don't know anymore.



All that is good. All that did it's job of killing the affair but reconciliation is a different gig. It is about re-connecting and forgiving him. You can't do that unless he feels remorse. This is not guilt and it normally comes with a strong desire to change.


The thing is you are now in a different relationship than before. There is no going back to how it was, if it is any consolation, any relationship you have from now will carry the scars of infidelity. 
Some people [myself included] can not reconcile the feelings of betrayal. There are others on this board who have successfully R's but be aware it is a small minority. 

What has he DONE to show you he loves you?


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

It could be or YOU could be blame shifting..when your H/W is in affair they are addicted to it, (thus the fog) like a drug and when confronted always blame their spouse for them doing it. If casinos are your addiction (your drug) and you've been confronted maybe you are blaming him so you don't have to leave your fog...just saying this is a possibility. Best of luck..


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## Unresolved (Apr 14, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Understandable.
> 
> You rug swept his affair. He lied and you caught him.
> 
> ...


I'm sure hes gone through the remose. I don't even think I've ever forgiven him..thats the problem.


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## Unresolved (Apr 14, 2012)

ing said:


> All that is good. All that did it's job of killing the affair but reconciliation is a different gig. It is about re-connecting and forgiving him. You can't do that unless he feels remorse. This is not guilt and it normally comes with a strong desire to change.
> 
> 
> The thing is you are now in a different relationship than before. There is no going back to how it was, if it is any consolation, any relationship you have from now will carry the scars of infidelity.
> ...


I suppose your right. I feel as if I'm amost pushing him to have another affair so I can say beat it. 
I may possibly never forgive him for this huge betrayal. He really hasn't done much in the past couple of years. If I bring it up he'll just say I'm sorry...or that was the past..or I'm not that guy anymore. Put to go out there and PROVE his love for me..not really. I'm 32...and my weekends are stuck at home and thats it. Never any date nights...as I have mentioned this to him on numerous occassions.

When I do go out with my girlfriends or what not, he's always pissed off about it. It just seems like he wants me to stay at home with him...and do nothing. I can't live that way anymore..hence my reason for going to a casino.


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## Unresolved (Apr 14, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> It could be or YOU could be blame shifting..when your H/W is in affair they are addicted to it, (thus the fog) like a drug and when confronted always blame their spouse for them doing it. If casinos are your addiction (your drug) and you've been confronted maybe you are blaming him so you don't have to leave your fog...just saying this is a possibility. Best of luck..


No I understand what your saying, and there could be some truth to it. But i know I just go there to get away from being stuck in the same ole routine day after day,,week after week and month after month. Could I be blaming him for my problem now? Possibly. But he did cause this huge problem for the relationship in the first place. I just don't think I'm over it, and possibly never will be.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

No one expects you to "get over it', this is something that you will live with the rest of your life, as a BS I know...days get better and you think about it less and less, but you never forget it. The best thing to do is get IC if you haven't already and talk to your spouse about it everytime it bothers you.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Unresolved, I'm sorry to learn of the pain you've experienced in your marriage. It sounds like you are in a difficult place right now, and I was reminded of some information on Focus on the Family's website that you might want to check out. There is an article series on Forgiveness and Restoration, as well as a book called House of Cards that you might find helpful. I work at Focus, and there are caring counselors that will speak with you over the phone at no cost. Praying that you and your husband will find healing and forgiveness in your marriage. God bless you!


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