# You cheated....Now your insecure!



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I am pissed. My WH just embarrassed me in front of our mutual long time friend. We were invited to his new home for a get together and he greeted me in the typical fashion by kissing both of my cheeks and a hug. My WH pulled me to the side and berated me that I stayed in our friend's arms a little bit too long. I brushed it off and went mingling with the other guests.

When I discovered his betrayal, I was so down on myself that I opened a match.com account just to see if I would get any responses. I never paid for the subscription and didn't delete the account. He found out but I don't see what's the big deal. 

Since his A, I've made some changes to feel better about myself. I lost 40lbs; my clothes are more fitted and taking a lot of care in my physical appearance. I know I've been getting a lot of more attention from people in the street but I don't pay them any mind. 

Since I discussed with him the fact I've never had an O with him, he's getting paranoid about my activities. Oh, I've also been socializing with my girlfriends more and leaving him with the kids. Now, he's doing strange things like checking my phone, my emails and my history on the web. I no longer friend him on FB sine finding out about the A.

He had refused to go to counseling so I'm going alone. This is a man who hasn't complimented me in a long time to the point my 8 year old has to point out to him-"isn't mommy pretty, daddy". This is also the man that I have to ask to touch me outside of the sexual act. 

How humiliating? Now, he's feeling threatened. We're suppose to be working on our marriage and he seems oblivious how the A has affected me. I no longer believe in death do we part. I'm jaded now about love in general. I felt that I gave him everything I had as a representation of my love. I know that I have trust issues with him now but he gave me reasons not to trust him, I have never given him any reasons for him not to trust me. Hence, the fact he knows my passwords to email, phone and everything else. I refuse to feel obligated for his insecurities. Could use some advice.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Time to go, he doesn't get it. Sorry to be blunt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He's going to cheat again cuz he thinks your cheating.

or

He's cheating now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what it's worth I went through the same crap when I busted my old lady screwing around. she thought I would have a revenge affair.

Just because she choose that path doesn't mean I could chosse that same path...it's not who I am.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

the guy said:


> He's going to cheat again cuz he thinks your cheating.
> 
> or
> 
> He's cheating now.


I don't understand this. I haven't given him any reasons for him to think I'm cheating.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

They think that just cuz they are capable of this huge betrayal that any one is.

In your old mans head...if he can cheat on his wife then his wife can cheat on him.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

the guy said:


> They think that just cuz they are capable of this huge betrayal that any one is.
> 
> In your old mans head...if he can cheat on his wife then his wife can cheat on him.


Is there anything I can do to reassure him?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maritalloneliness said:


> I lost 40lbs; my clothes are more fitted and taking a lot of care in my physical appearance. I know I've been getting a lot of more attention from people in the street but I don't pay them any mind.
> 
> . Oh, I've also been socializing with my girlfriends more and leaving him with the kids..


I also think it's scares the crap out of him when he knows *your* life will go on with or with out him.

Your marriage is so fragile right now the both of you should be spending more time together and really get back into each other.

He's an idiot for not getting the tools you both need to affair proof the marriage.....this doesn't end well. someone is going to cheat...it's just a matter of who and when.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maritalloneliness said:


> Is there anything I can do to reassure him?


Why?

Your old man should be uping his game and do the heavy lifting to keep you around.

Your old man created this mess....it's just another consequence for his betrayal.

In short if anyone needs reassurance it's you...after all hes the dumb @ss that strayed!


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

the guy said:


> Why?
> 
> Your old man should be uping his game and do the heavy lifting to keep you around.
> 
> ...


Since I've been working on myself, I can see my part in his A. I'm not blaming myself for his cheating. My ownership on this is that I wasn't making my needs known in the marriage. I thought being a good wife meant giving to him and the kids. I was more than willing to sacrifice the things that I wanted to do and stay home with the kids so he can go hang out with his buddies. I didn't want to be the type of wife that required her husband not to pursue his interest outside of our marriage. I was waiting until the kids got a little bigger to have more freedom for myself and got lost in the process. Just started to feel confident again in myself and taking charge to speak up regarding what I want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> How humiliating?


Why is it humiliating that he is now feels threatened? He destabilized your relationship... he should fear losing you at this point.



maritalloneliness said:


> Now, he's feeling threatened. We're suppose to be working on our marriage and he seems oblivious how the A has affected me. I no longer believe in death do we part. I'm jaded now about love in general.


Have you told him this, how the affair has affected you? You need to. He needs to know. He's not a mind reader. Part of working on your marriage is being very open and honest about what you are thinking and feeling.



maritalloneliness said:


> I felt that I gave him everything I had as a representation of my love. I know that I have trust issues with him now but he gave me reasons not to trust him, I have never given him any reasons for him not to trust me. Hence, the fact he knows my passwords to email, phone and everything else. I refuse to feel obligated for his insecurities. Could use some advice.


Actually he does have reasons to feel very insecure. You are changing because of the trauma of the affair. He can tell. He might not be able to articulate it, but he can tell. That's obvious from the way he's acting. A full 50% of betrayed spouses go on to have what we call revenge affairs. While you might not have one.. you are doing the very things that those who do have affairs do.. losing weight, dressing better, etc.

Maybe it's good that he squirms a bit. It might teach him that if he wants to keep you, he has some work to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> Is there anything I can do to reassure him?


Yea, you can tell him that he needs to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can fix your marriage. Tell him that you love him and want to fix the marriage. But you cannot do it on your own.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Why is it humiliating that he is now feels threatened? He destabilized your relationship... he should fear losing you at this point.
> 
> 
> Have you told him this, how the affair has affected you? You need to. He needs to know. He's not a mind reader. Part of working on your marriage is being very open and honest about what you are thinking and feeling.
> ...


I think this could also be the result of the sex conversation I had with him regarding me faking.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, you can tell him that he needs to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can fix your marriage. Tell him that you love him and want to fix the marriage. But you cannot do it on your own.


I've always been an emotional person, so I told him how the A affected me. I feel as if I'm the one doing all the talking. Thanks EleGirl.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> Is there anything I can do to reassure him?


Pluz? :scratchhead: why should you be reassuring him? He should be going out of his way to do everything in his power to make you feel good about yourself, to show he loves you, to show he is remorseful, etc. You keep doing what you are doing (making yourself better, having fun, meeting friends, etc, i.e. a life independent of him).He probably thought you were going to be all weepy and dependent on him. Tell him that those days are over you are a changed woman but inspite of his infidelity you choose/prefer to be married to him but you do not need to be married to him. tell him if he doesn't get his act together you will be on your way out. He sounds like a narcissist too, 'it's all about me, me, me"


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If he's not giving you 110% to recommit to you, then end it. He should be on his knees, and willing to go to any and all counseling with you.

He's looking for ways to catch you in trouble to deflect blame off of him. Hugging the friend, the match account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> I don't understand but maybe I missed it. How long ago was the affair? Did he end it? Tell you? Did you find out?
> 
> I'm asking because it's his job to work to rebuild your trust or you should leave. If he isn't working on this and asking what he needs to do (like go to MC), then he isn't trying to reconcile with you. Without that there's no point in you staying with him.
> 
> ...


The A was 2 years ago. He was carrying on with my SIL. My brother told me when he became suspicious of her behavior by placing a VAR under their bed. I've worked so hard on forgiving him and I'd be lying to admit that his A hasn't changed who I am.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

aine said:


> Pluz? :scratchhead: why should you be reassuring him? He should be going out of his way to do everything in his power to make you feel good about yourself, to show he loves you, to show he is remorseful, etc. You keep doing what you are doing (making yourself better, having fun, meeting friends, etc, i.e. a life independent of him).He probably thought you were going to be all weepy and dependent on him. Tell him that those days are over you are a changed woman but inspite of his infidelity you choose/prefer to be married to him but you do not need to be married to him. tell him if he doesn't get his act together you will be on your way out. He sounds like a narcissist too, 'it's all about me, me, me"


When I found out about the A, I was a weeping mess. It was as if the bottom fell off my life especially with my SIL, a woman that I considered a close friend. Our kids are close in age so we did a lot of activities together. I realized that I was extremely comfortable in the marriage. I mean I was married so why would I dress suggestively I didn't want any other men looking at me. I was happy in my delusion. I was the type of wife who was happy staying home with lounging clothes with my thick glasses and a good book. I had to force myself to change so I can retain his attention. I mean I'm in my 40s and recentry bought my 1st thong under ware while being schooled by my 25 year old niece. Sometimes I don't even want to put the effort to do all the things girly girls do and go out to socialize. My personality is that of the nerdy girl who is a home body, that's the woman he married.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you are continuing the dynamic of him taking and you giving. Think about it, he had an affair, refused counseling, basically refuses to do any heavy lifting and you're the one kissing his arse by worrying about reassuring him. You continue to allow him to be selfish. Stop worrying about whether he feels reassured. 

You not communicating your needs has nothing to do with him fvcking someone else. You'd be better off without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you are continuing the dynamic of him taking and you giving. Think about it, he had an affair, refused counseling, basically refuses to do any heavy lifting and you're the one kissing his arse by worrying about reassuring him. You continue to allow him to be selfish. Stop worrying about whether he feels reassured.
> 
> You not communicating your needs has nothing to do with him fvcking someone else. You'd be better off without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Logically, I agree with everything the TAM family is saying. I'm an emotional mess. I have an appointment with the therapist today maybe I'll find the strength I need to make some tough decisions. Thanks!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> When I found out about the A, I was a weeping mess. It was as if the bottom fell off my life especially with my SIL, a woman that I considered a close friend. Our kids are close in age so we did a lot of activities together. I realized that I was extremely comfortable in the marriage. I mean I was married so why would I dress suggestively I didn't want any other men looking at me. I was happy in my delusion. I was the type of wife who was happy staying home with lounging clothes with my thick glasses and a good book. I had to force myself to change so I can retain his attention. I mean I'm in my 40s and recentry bought my 1st thong under ware while being schooled by my 25 year old niece. Sometimes I don't even want to put the effort to do all the things girly girls do and go out to socialize. My personality is that of the nerdy girl who is a home body, that's the woman he married.


When my wife dresses sexy for me she is doing it because she wants to. She wants to make me happy. She wants to get a reaction out of me. She says when she dressed or acts provocatively that she never feels more in control of herself and our relationship. She is the one dictating and I am the one responding. Having said that my question is are you doing these girly girl things because you want to or because you feel you have to? Be honest because your motivation will most definitely affect how it all plays out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> I don't understand this. I haven't given him any reasons for him to think I'm cheating.


He needs no reason. His idiocy just is.

A cloud doesn't mean to rain on your parade. It just does what a cloud does.

with clouds you need an umbrella. With your husband you need a big can of


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

bfree said:


> When my wife dresses sexy for me she is doing it because she wants to. She wants to make me happy. She wants to get a reaction out of me. She says when she dressed or acts provocatively that she never feels more in control of herself and our relationship. She is the one dictating and I am the one responding. Having said that my question is are you doing these girly girl things because you want to or because you feel you have to? Be honest because your motivation will most definitely affect how it all plays out.


I would have to say it's about 60/40 with the 60% that I do it to keep his attention. I mean I've been told men are visual and it's important to appeal to that part of them. The 40% part is for me. I needed to take control of my weight for health issues. As a result of the weight loss, confidence went up so I'm flirting with dressing differently and enjoying myself in that regard. I have always been nervous about my body. Went from no bra in 4th grade to a 38DD IN 5TH GRADE and started getting lecherous looks by old men. Im only 4'11 " tall. I learned to cover up to decrease that attention. That did change in college but when I married, I understood that I had to tone the low cut shirts and skirts out of respect for my H. now, I'm just finding my confidence again but I'm not dressing outrageously just more fitted clothes. Although, I am far from being a girly girl, I think I clean up pretty good if I am to go by the recent attentions, I've been getting. He just don't seem to appreciate it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Like Ele said, you need to tell him what is on you mind.. 

Plus I am sorry about not having an "O"... 

Sadly everyone is responsible for their own Orgasm.. So that really is your problem.. 

But yes telling a man you were faking it, is really mind blowing regardless and ego crushing..

Look if you want to make him feel your pain, you are doing a good job at it.. 

But if you really want to fix your marriage, then speak up and get to MC and IC for the both of you..

I will tell you seeing it was your SIL being 2 years is still rough.. But when does the healing start ? When does it get fixed ?

Fix it or move on. Trust me life is short to be d!cking around with this nonsense.. 

Some people are just plain fvcking stupid and we the smart ones think that these stupid people actually know what to do and just think they are fvcking with us.. When the reality is, they don't.. BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID.. Get it 

Give him the test and point him towards the answers.. If he still doesn't follow after doing all of that then move the fvck on because he really doesn't want it..


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

He came home with flowers and a sheepish smile and apologize for being a d*ck. He admitted that he messed up and that he's been freaking out about our marriage and how he messed up. He admits that my revelation that he has been unable to make me O is freaking him out. Because he cheated and I'm fixing myself means I'm going to leave with the kids. He's still on the fence about MC, doesn't want strangers in his business. He talked with our friend, who himself has gone through a nasty divorce 4 years ago, and he made him realize how lucky he is that I had forgiven him for cheating and he doesn't want us to change. I informed him that it has already changed and we'll be in trouble if we don't get help. He said he wasn't unhappy with us and our marriage and he's still trying to figure out why he cheated especially he promised himself he wouldn't be like his father and now he has become what he hated. 
I'm listening but don't know what to say. Glad he's at least talking to me. ray:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> He came home with flowers and a sheepish smile and apologize for being a d*ck. He admitted that he messed up and that he's been freaking out about our marriage and how he messed up. He admits that my revelation that he has been unable to make me O is freaking him out. Because he cheated and I'm fixing myself means I'm going to leave with the kids. He's still on the fence about MC, doesn't want strangers in his business. He talked with our friend, who himself has gone through a nasty divorce 4 years ago, and he made him realize how lucky he is that I had forgiven him for cheating and he doesn't want us to change. I informed him that it has already changed and we'll be in trouble if we don't get help. He said he wasn't unhappy with us and our marriage and he's still trying to figure out why he cheated especially he promised himself he wouldn't be like his father and now he has become what he hated.
> I'm listening but don't know what to say. Glad he's at least talking to me. ray:


I guess this is a start as he is now beginning to realise what he might lose, but believe me that once he gets comfortable again he will go back to the old ways. You must strike when the iron is hot and tell him, that neither him nor you can do this alone and it is imperative to have counselling whether he likes it or not, that is one of the rules in your resetting of the boundaries. You also tell him you forgave him because you chose to not because you had to and now it is time he took some responsibility for what he did, own the problem and take action. He has to stop thinking about himself and how he feels and how he doesn't want to expose himself with a counsellor. If he wants the marriage to continue, he has to put in the work. What i am trying to say is do not be bowled over by a bunch of flowers and a few seemingly sincere words (been there too many times and still in a mess 23 years later!). As someone told me, men like to put plasters on the wounds but these are only temporary. He must dig out the dirt from the wound so that it can heal, the only way to do that is to dive in with counselling together. Plasters and flowers do not work.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

He's confused. He cheated now you've improved yourself - and looking more beautiful.

Well the question is: Do you still want to be with him? From your post, i'm guessing is a yes.

Well this is one change that can improve things. Become assertive. State your positions in a calm, firm but respectful way.

So men are insensitive because they don't have the sensitivity of a woman. That's why being direct with them works a times.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> I don't understand this. I haven't given him any reasons for him to think I'm cheating.


You have made positive changes in your life and are becoming a healthier and more self assured person. He is scared that you are changing and will eventually outgrow him. You know what? It is probably not a bad idea to let him think this way. 

He can do one of two things...he can continue being a selfish d!ck or he can hop aboard your train and ride your tracks with you. Don't stop what you are doing. Contiue to grow and don't feel bad about it.

He may very well be cheating, or his fvcked up cheaters mind thinks everyone is doing so...including you That is a terrible way for hi to live his life. He needs help.


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## letsbenice (Apr 29, 2015)

Pretty abnormal to check you right after walking in the door. Must be pretty insecure, and after his own affair? I guess he know what's coming after the match account. It's a good way to "get some get back", but it probably wont be cool to run too long.


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