# have you or your spouse fallen back in love successfully?



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

hi..

my husband told me he loves me less and i now know he has resentment and anger from the fights we had.(there are details on my other thread)

so, what i would like to know is have you or your spouse once said "i don't love you/i love you less" and then fell back in love again?

if so, was it because of trying the love dare or the 180? 

any other help on how to help him get rid of the bad memories/resentment and trust me not to fight and fall back in love would be greatly appreciated too.

i never thought he would say this to me. i trusted him to love me till death do us apart and i have been feeling very down since he said this.i feel a pain in my chest, i feel a emptiness inside.and i long for the hugs, kisses, cuddles i long to feel loved...


thank you..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 is not used to rekindle love. It's used to separate from someone who is cheating.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It will tell you what to do to fall back in love with each other.


You cannot expect love to last when it's not nurtured. It sounds like you and your husband expected to put it on auto pilot (most people do... no criticism of you) and have love last a lifetime. IT does not work that way.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The 180 is not used to rekindle love. It's used to separate from someone who is cheating.
> 
> Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It will tell you what to do to fall back in love with each other.
> 
> ...


thank you. i thought 180 is used to fall back in love too.thank you for clarifying that. 
i have read his needs her needs.i ll read it again

i nurtured this love to the best i can... 

i told him i love him once a day
i kissed him good bye and good night
sex was great, i initiated too.
i complimented him when he did something for me
i cooked for him
i massaged him without being asked
i have been faithful,caring,honest
i have a job and contribute to our finances
i never forget his birthday etc and i get him gifts
i try to talk with him (even though he doesn't look at me and keeps looking At the phone/ipad)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has he read "His Needs, Her Needs"? Both of you need to do meet each other's needs.

Have you read "Divorce Busting"? That's another good book. This book does talk about a 180... the DB 180 is a customize plan of doing things completely different from the way you normally do them. It's meant to get your spouses attention. You'd need to read the book to get the particulars.

The 180 people talk about here is linked to in my signature block below and it's the one for people to use to separate from a cheating spouse.

You way that you husband is always looking at his phone and ipad? Is he texting all the time? 

I hate to bring this up, but are you sure he's not cheating. His behavior sounds like he might be.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> my husband told me he loves me less and i now know he has resentment and anger from the fights we had.(there are details on my other thread)
> 
> ...


I think 180's and all of the other GAMES only work in specific situations because it's just a game. You purposely are witholding your heart, your love, not giving your all, and refocusing that on YOURSELF, bettering, improving, not only for your own well being, but in the hopes of proving to your spouse that you are worthy. That you don't need him/her!! If you spouse is taking you for granted or you have self esteem issues that's great.

Sometimes......a spouse messes up and in that scenario a 180 does nothing except piss them off. The day my wife witholds I love you's, starts putting "her" time in front of family and us time, is the day we start having some serious talks about being selfish and not giving!

Once tarnished it's hard to get that back!! Good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I think 180's and all of the other GAMES only work in specific situations because it's just a game. You purposely are witholding your heart, your love, not giving your all, and refocusing that on YOURSELF, bettering, improving, not only for your own well being, but in the hopes of proving to your spouse that you are worthy. That you don't need him/her!! If you spouse is taking you for granted or you have self esteem issues that's great.
> 
> Sometimes......a spouse messes up and in that scenario a 180 does nothing except piss them off. The day my wife witholds I love you's, starts putting "her" time in front of family and us time, is the day we start having some serious talks about being selfish and not giving!
> 
> Once tarnished it's hard to get that back!! Good luck


The 180 that is suggested here is meant to be done when a person's spouse is in an active affair. 

Would you really expect someone to be all lovey to their spouse while their spouse is carrying on an affair in the open and refuses to end it?

The 180 for situations in which one's spouse is cheating is not a game. It's a way for the betrayed spouse to start separating from the cheater. For example one of the things is beg the cheater to stay in the marriage. That's not a game. It's healthy behavior for the BS to not beg and plead.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Has he read "His Needs, Her Needs"? Both of you need to do meet each other's needs.
> 
> Have you read "Divorce Busting"? That's another good book. This book does talk about a 180... the DB 180 is a customize plan of doing things completely different from the way you normally do them. It's meant to get your spouses attention. You'd need to read the book to get the particulars.
> 
> ...


he has not read his needs her needs.

i will try divorce busting. thank you for that info.


he is not texting... i know he would not cheat on me.. he is a very honest person. i trust him. he will not be able to face his mother and relatives if he cheats. because they trust him too. he has everyone's respect and trust.and he would not want to hurt me that way.. and the women in his field, he meets these half clothed women who go around with many men for sex/ getting money etc even though they have jobs. so im sure he is not that pathetic/foolish to go out with such a woman to get a STD. basically i trust him with my whole heart about the faithfulness. that is one of the reasons i want to work on my marriage even though he "loves me less"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I re-read some of your other thread. It seems that your fighting with him has caused problems.

So part of your change in behavior (DB 180) is that you stop having any fights with him. Just stop doing that.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I re-read some of your other thread. It seems that your fighting with him has caused problems.
> 
> So part of your change in behavior (DB 180) is that you stop having any fights with him. Just stop doing that.


thank you for spending time to read it.

i have decided not to fight.

but the problem is him saying he loves me less..i don't know how to reverse that.so what im feeling is i won't let any future damage happen but how do i erase the past damage..


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I am not sure if you will find my situation pertinent or not, but, initially I married my spouse for the wrong reasons. I cannot say I married for love. We argued and had troubles. However, over time we have tried to address our issues. Counseling is a good idea, and our marriage grows better each day.


We are fighting less, and I am falling in love with my wife all over again. I was worried that our new baby would add stress to our life. Instead our baby is bringing us closer together. I am not saying have a baby.

We are talking more and trying to listen to one another without being so defensive. We both have supportive friends and families we can talk to. Do you have people you can be open with?

The trouble with not fighting in my experience is that it allows resentments to build, and those resentments, at least in my case will eventually surface. Learning to communicate in a healthy manner is important. Do not blame yourself solely for your marital problems. Your husband is part of the issue. Afterall it takes two to tango as the saying goes.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> thank you. i thought 180 is used to fall back in love too.thank you for clarifying that.
> i have read his needs her needs.i ll read it again
> 
> i nurtured this love to the best i can...
> ...


I'm sorry that you're here. It sounds like your husband has checked out. I have no doubt that you express love to your husband, but the things that you do might not be what he needs to feel loved or may not be as high on his priority list than you place them.

Women and men experience conflict differently. Men produce way more cortisol (a stress hormone) during arguments than women do. The argument doesn't even have to be a knock-down-drag out, it could just be small and their bodies start pumping out that cortisol. Not only that but their cortisol remains elevated much longer after the fight than it does in women. This helps to explain why you get over it in once it's done but he still needs a few days to process what just happened.

Add to that, even when the fight is hostile, at some level, women feel that at least he is engaging with her. Fights aren't inherently bad for us - they're a way to air our grievances, find a resolution and bring us closer when making up. Men however, are raised to be doers for the most part and while many are great communicators, or can learn to be; that doesn't do much to prevent the elevated cortisol levels and adrenaline (fight/flight) he feels during an argument that makes him want to get the heck away from her! 

So what may feel like a mild spat or typical marriage fight to you, he may feel like it's WWIII. Given that you guys fight frequently (in HIS opinion), it makes sense that he's not feeling so lovey-dovey towards you right now. Especially if coupled with the possibility that although you express your love, what you're doing to express love might not speak to his love language or might not be high on his list of essential needs.

If your priority right now is to make him feel more loving towards you, I would advise you to take a break from fighting, arguing, bickering, for a while. It will be difficult but bite your tongue! You need to get this marriage back into a positive state where you're both feeling loving towards the other and can work together to fix whatever problems come up as a couple.

In order to get there, you're going to need to get your husband to view you and your marriage from a more positive light. This is why it's important to bite your tongue for now. 

In order for your husband to see you and your marriage more positively, you are going to need to let his good experiences with you outweigh the bad ones. Fighting is a major problem to him and it's killing his love for you (withdrawing love units from his love bank) so you need to put a pause on that for a while and start doing the things that make him happy and loving towards you. When he is feeling better about you and the marriage, then you can start asking him to engage you about the problems you want to discuss in your marriage. Doing it now though will only push him further away.

So step 1: STOP FIGHTING.

Step 2: Find out what his essential needs are AND their priority. And start meeting them. Don't love him how you would want to be loved but how he needs it! 

His Needs/Her Needs lists all of the needs:


Affection
 Sexual Fulfillment
 Conversation
 Recreational Companionship
 Honesty and Openness
 Physical Attractiveness
 Financial Support
 Domestic Support
 Family Commitment
 Admiration

and a description of each is listed on their website. EVERYONE ranks these needs differently. What is most important to you to feel loved on here might be the least important thing for your husband and vice versa. A good way to determine it is to have each of you fill out their questionnaire. 

We tend to give love the way we'd want to receive it so think about the kinds of things your husband does and has always done for you. It may not be how you'd express your love but it is likely the way that he'd feel loved if you did them. 

Additionally, the 5 Love Languages book has a similar concept on essential needs but breaks it down into 5 categories. 

Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

An explanaition of each can be found here. 

You can also take a short quiz on the 5 languages here. Answer for yourself to help determine your needs and then have your husband take it as well. If you can't get him to take it, then you could do your best to be objective and answer for him (again, thinking about the kinds of things he does, says) to try to determine what is important to him. It may help you to determine what his needs are right now so you can start meeting them. Similarly, you can also do the same with the questionnaire on the marriage builders website.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

lancaster said:


> I am not sure if you will find my situation pertinent or not, but, initially I married my spouse for the wrong reasons. I cannot say I married for love. We argued and had troubles. However, over time we have tried to address our issues. Counseling is a good idea, and our marriage grows better each day.
> 
> 
> We are fighting less, and I am falling in love with my wife all over again. I was worried that our new baby would add stress to our life. Instead our baby is bringing us closer together. I am not saying have a baby.
> ...


we did love each other very much when we got married.

i don't have anyone i can be open with.. everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage while i am just showing a happy face
to the world while hurting inside because he "loves me less"

yes. it seems not fighting and fighting both allows resentment to build....


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I'm sorry that you're here. It sounds like your husband has checked out. I have no doubt that you express love to your husband, but the things that you do might not be what he needs to feel loved or may not be as high on his priority list than you place them. he seems checked out.. true.how do i get him back...?
> 
> Women and men experience conflict differently. Men produce way more cortisol (a stress hormone) during arguments than women do. The argument doesn't even have to be a knock-down-drag out, it could just be small and their bodies start pumping out that cortisol. Not only that but their cortisol remains elevated much longer after the fight than it does in women. This helps to explain why you get over it in once it's done but he still needs a few days to process what just happened.
> 
> ...


thank you for the reply... i had read about the love bank thing earlier but did'nt give it much importance.i guess that is what happened.every time we fight it withdraws units from the love bank and now he feels it


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> my husband told me he loves me less and i now know he has resentment and anger from the fights we had.(there are details on my other thread)
> 
> ...


Nope. I warned my STBXW quite a few times that my resentment was growing and that once I checked out it was going to be very hard for me to check back in. These conversations started happening within two or three years or so of being married. She finally started to realize her mistakes (neglecting me, lack of desire for me, insults) after it was too late . She couldn't, and still doesn't, understand how this happened even though I've exhaustingly explained it to her. She's an incredibly selfish individual and if something doesn't impact her only she doesn't care. I should have left the marriage four years ago.

Resentment is a relationship killer and in my case it helped me "see the light" so to speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

I've just written a thread asking about a very similar circumstance, namely, whether trust and love can be rebuilt after being hurt from emotional neglect.

I don't have an answer but there is something that has helped me focus on staying positive and optimistic, which I got from Michele Weiner-Davis' The Divorce Remedy; the "Solution Journal". By listing action-orientated changes I'd like to see in the relationship I have kept tab of my actions and how they are taken. It's meant to help identify behaviours that work and those that don't so that we can focus on doing more of the things that help our spouses respond positively and benefit the relationship.

For example, I noticed that one small loving kiss on the cheek and a compliment caused a smile and sometimes a tiny moan of pleasure, but any further affection was met with unresponsiveness and sighs. Therefore, I am just doing the former from time to time and leaving it at that. 

I don't honestly know if relationships recover from resentment. I'm really hoping they do, but I would be inclined to agree with most of the advice I've read; it takes PATIENCE. I personally don't mind this because I could use a lot more of it myself, so it's good training ground  

I can relate to what you're going through though. It sure does hurt sometimes. Hang in there and hopefully those that have come through these situations can shine some light


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> so, what i would like to know is have you or your spouse once said "i don't love you/i love you less" and then fell back in love again?


Yes. I am the one who told him I didn't love him. 

My details are unimportant except to say that YES, you can fall back in love with someone. In previous generations when divorce was unacceptable I would imagine that this was more common knowledge: that people can cycle in and out of love over lifetimes. But with drive-through divorce and almost no social sanctions against it, people get divorced much more readily.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Happyfamily said:


> Yes. I am the one who told him I didn't love him.
> 
> My details are unimportant except to say that YES, you can fall back in love with someone. In previous generations when divorce was unacceptable I would imagine that this was more common knowledge: that people can cycle in and out of love over lifetimes. But with drive-through divorce and almost no social sanctions against it, people get divorced much more readily.


if i may ask, how did you know it when you fell back in love?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Yes, happyfamily, please share your wisdom, as I am sure there is a lot of us wanting to know the secerts of how to fall back in love with our spouse. 

My life would be so much better, my world would be so much improved, my health, mental outlook, my family, what that is left of , would be better, and as I wrote before, even the dog's life would be better. So please, dont hold back... 

-sammy


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

anyone?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I would say so. Before dday, my WW had been horrible to be around. She projected her guilt and shame about her affair on to me. She made me the bad guy.

I rarely got "I love you" from her. I didnt hear it and I damn sure didnt feel it. I held on a bit longer but living with someone like that wears you down. If I had to be honest, I would say I had fallen out of love with her too although I tried my hardest to work on it.

Its been almost 7 months from dday. Not only do I hear "I love you" all the time, more importantly, I feel it. Sex went from passionless, boring duty sex to heavy passion with feeling. I feel differently about her too. I enjoy being around her again. I think we both fell out of love even though my feelings were a result of her ugly attitude while hers were because of her own issues.

Where we are now compared to a year ago is night and day.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> I would say so. Before dday, my WW had been horrible to be around. She projected her guilt and shame about her affair on to me. She made me the bad guy.
> 
> I rarely got "I love you" from her. I didnt hear it and I damn sure didnt feel it. I held on a bit longer but living with someone like that wears you down. If I had to be honest, I would say I had fallen out of love with her too although I tried my hardest to work on it.
> 
> ...



What did you two do to make it change? 

-sammy


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