# Going? Or staying?



## Corsicana (5 mo ago)

Hi there, I am at a crossroad. I have to make a decision either way and I wanted to bounce ideas because at one point when you have been abused by your spouse, and when your abuser stopped being threatening physically but hurts you emotionally and pretends you are the problem, you end up wondering: Someone has it all wrong here but is it me or is it him?

I was born in France and met my husband (that we will name X) there. At the time my carreer was in full swing; Regional Director, supervising a team of 35, company car, bonuses, retirement, paid vacation time, house on the Mediterranean shore; I was young, successful and beautiful. He was in the US Military and got assigned to a base in Northern California. This move, accelerated the decision of getting married.
We had a bunch of paperwork to do in order for me to move to California and those can take time so he moved ahead of me and I decided to use this time away from him to quickly finish my degree in Clinical Research. Few months in Paris for my thesis and I would be flying to San Francisco: Perfect timing (or so I thought); I informed my employer that I would be leaving in 4 months (standard in EU)...
To date I don't know how I managed to graduate at the top in my class because very rapidly my mornings started becoming hell: X, already in CA, so 9 hours behind me, was making no effort to accomodate calls so if I needed to speak to him, I was the only one waking up in the middle of the night to talk, YET we Absolutely NEEDED to speak because X needed to sit down and focus on the paperwork that he was supposed to do! Yet he was posting incomplete files, forgetting to send the check for the fees in the envelope, missing appointments (and each time claiming "misunderstanding" which was so often that it was ridiculous), then when being caught in a lie or procrastinating, he would throw a tantrum like a 2 years old screaming on top of his lungs "you don't want to hear my side of the story!" (who cares about your umpteenth pretext? You had to do something that you did not do for months on end!) to the point that, like an enraged toddler he would make himself vomit.
Long story short, I sure graduated summa cum laude but 4 months later when I turned my company car in on my last day, I found myself in the middle of the recession with a kid in tow, a rent to pay (plus the taxes on my family house), no income and riding my bike in the snow to the supermarket to get food and X still had some "misunderstandings" about what needed to be done and was going for a run intead of filling out paperwork or going to the appointments he needed to go to.
4 months turned into 8 and when we finally moved, I realized that although in Northern California (which is THE place for Biotechs) he had stuck us in a place that was so far from any reasearch hub with no public transportation and hours in traffic that I could not even work! I went from Director to housewife with no money to my name. I cleaned, vacuumed and cooked; not once was I told that I was doing something great, we were broke because his salary was not allowing for anything extra. He was abusing me to no end, never hitting me directly but shoving me, threatening and calling me names me day in, day out. I started demanding couple's therapy. The couple therapy shrink in the military saw nothing of his behavior because he was coming in with his USAF uniform and his medals, behaving like the very consensual spouse he is not, in front of her "Why don't we try the re-phrasing technique honey, we gotta be a team and work on our marriage" and the shrink was buying it! Meanwhile as soon as we were in the car he was: "Hahaha did you see how I played you? You don't think that I am stupid enough to not see that you and this f-ing ***** are ready to gang up on me?". I told the shrink, she did not believe me. By that time 4 years had passed and since I could not pay my property taxes in EU, my family house had been foreclosed and my savings were depleted. I told the shrink who put it all on me. In order to make it out of the military with a good retirement, X needed to complete an online Associate Degree that he did not have the level for so he twisted my arm into taking his final for him (it is for us and it will allow me to get a better paying job when I am out of the military) and "he" passed. That day, I asked for the score and he went into a fuming rage shoved me around screaming on top of his lungs (that he would call the homeland security to say that our marriage was fake and that I should be kicked out of the country). I dialed 911 and did not say a word but the operator hearing his threats rushed a patrol to our place. When he realized that the Police was listening to his threats, he left the house to avoid being arrested. I could not tell the military shrink what he had done for the exam otherwise he would have lost his job and we would have lost all income, but when she heard that the police hearing him got worried enough to fear for my life and rush a patrol, she realized how wrong she was about this whole thing. Instead of trying to fix her mistake, she dropped us.

He retired shortly after and took a federal job, of course in the very area where we were in spite of me repeating to no end that we needed to be somewhere else so that I could work (Salaries in my job are more than 200K so imagine the loss of income).
I tried to make him move without success and since the companies were not hiring me because I was living too far, I lied on my address in my job applications, got a job but had to commute 4-5 hours per day. He never accepted to take some of the chores off of my shoulders. Although I was now making more than he was and commuting long distance, I was in charge of EVERYTHING in the house. Needless to say that I wasn't coming back to a cooked meal or a freshly vacuumed house. I was coming home to him sitting on the couch waiting and complaining about everything that wasn't done. If he needed food, he would go to the store and buy HIS food nothing for me.
We moved to another state and things got better a little bit but still, I ended up in a job where I was dealing with a CEO that was a real Narcissic Sociopath endlessly trying to have me do things that would definitely get me in trouble with the FDA and was obligated to push back. I was coming home completely exhausted. I was immediately told by X that whatever my problem was at work, he did not want to hear. I shut off and did not talk about work again. I was fired a couple of months later, he did not even notice that I was stressed or miserable... I was hired quickly after and told him once I had changed job (I would have felt such a failure if something like that had happened to him and I wouldn't have noticed anything!) that did not even have him realize that he was wrong let alone apologize.
I climbed the ladder so I am now making 3 times what his six-fig retirement brings, but my job entails responsibilities and availability and he is sitting at home not working but complains that he has to do "everything". I do all the cooking and all the groceries he never does my laundry or the household laundry, he basically vacuums and mops and cleans the kitchen countertops, (we have a robot that vacuums the house twice a day and our cats litter boxes are cleaning themselves automatically as well: Nothing to change, nothing to wash.)
Last year, I said that it was stupid to pay rent when we could own a house, let's buy a house with some land and have horses: he has NEVER actively searched for a house, he spends his time on his phone watching stupid clips on Tik-Tok, I had to say "Okay enough now, I am going to grab a lawyer, you are not pulling your weight. You have nothing else to do than calling realtors and builders, why would I have to take days off to do that?" The "misunderstanding" BS re-started right away: He does not know what to do, he is "confused" about what he needs to search and/or what needs to be done with the builders, etc. He procrastinated so much that one builder already dropped us.
Ah and did I mention that he has NO sex-drive and he is totally unaffectionate?

Blathering Idiot? Sociopath? Manipulating jerk? What am I missing here? Am I the a** to expect him to take on more at home (I mean this would be expected from a stay at home housewife, right?)? What is your take?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't get it. For a woman highly educated as yourself why did you even bother to be with this man? Were you that desperate? You already knew what and who he was before moving to the states, nonetheless you when ahead and moved to be with such an asshole. 

You have allowed him to treat you in such an abusive way, but have done little to get out of this relationship.

And here you are wondering what, and if you are the asshole. 

My question to you is, what's wrong with you to stay enduring a life of abuse and disrespect?


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

No.....just No...., I have 2 daughters, I told them both , the minute a man puts his hands on you to leave and come back home. Idont care if he just shoved you... Leave now ! You are educated enough where u don't need this toxic person in your life. Take your child and run..Kids aren't stupid , they know when things aren't right , don't put your child thru it


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You made a huge mistake marrying this manchild. Get out of it. Go someplace that suits you. 

Just as an fyi, though, most places in the US, you need your own car. Certainly California.


----------



## Corsicana (5 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't get it. For a woman highly educated as yourself why did you even bother to be with this man? Were you that desperate? You already knew what and who he was before moving to the states, nonetheless you when ahead and moved to be with such an asshole.
> 
> You have allowed him to treat you in such an abusive way, but have done little to get out of this relationship.
> 
> ...


I was not desperate at all, pretty much successful in life, and was looking pretty amazing to be completely honest. the abuses did not come before we got married otherwise I would have left him on the spot and he knew that. Like all abusers, he knew, so nothing came my way until it was too late and all this unfolded. I am not that stupid. 
I did not need his help to be in the US either, I am from French/American family. You just happen to have quite a few things to do when you have to move an entire household from one side of the globe to the other. He just manipulated the situation, there always was a good reason: I did not understand, there was a misunderstanding, he did not understand, I was always the bad one etc. Domestic violence is a progression (otherwise there would not be any domestic violence, everybody would leave prior to anything serious)








The Progression of Violence & Tactics of Control | Bright Horizons


Recognizing which of these tactics have been used by your partner may help you to understand how difficult it has been for you to see your alternatives and how these behaviors have been limiting your freedom, your safety and your self-determination.



brighthorizonsne.org




I did not mention but I have done a few things to get out of this: Got my stuff in order, got my papers done, etc The case was so straightforward that I was granted my papers without the slightest interview.
To me marriage is important and before I walk I really need to make sure I did everything I could. There are kids in the middle of that.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

And you are still thinking that he's going to change? Are the kids privy to the disrespect and day to day mistreatment from him to you? Is him rough and verbally over the top with the children? Are they observants to the way he treats you?

You've painted such a drastic picture of his abuse and disrespect? but you're still hesitant as to what to do? 

Not that he's going to get to that point, but have you thought about why it is that a lot of women stay in abusive relationship until they get kill, but nothing get them to get out?

I looks that if you're here asking for opinions, then something is wrong. Staying by using the kids as an excuse is nothing but a cop-out; which depending on the circumstances it could be more detrimental to them than leaving. 

Marriage is important to most people that doesn't mean you have to stay in a bad one. I mean you're intelligent enough to understand that, don't you?


----------



## Corsicana (5 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Is him rough and verbally over the top with the children?
> 
> You've painted such a drastic picture of his abuse and disrespect? but you're still hesitant as to what to do?
> 
> ...


He is not brutal with the kids, I would be out in a minute if it was the case but he managed to isolate me from everyone: Family, friends, kids you name it. Also, my parents were abusive so when it has been hammered in your head and for your entire life that you are not good enough...You tend to look at situations like this with the "Is it me, or?" goggles.
The truth is that he's already got a divorce (so did I) and he put his ex through a living hell I saw this mother of 4 SOB on the stand remembering his abuses and I am afraid of him making this divorce worse hell also considering our situation. He ruined my career for so long that my retirement is going to be difficult. I know that so I need to focus on my career and advancing to a VP level where I could negotiate extended retirement benefits; I definitely do not have the bandwidth to deal with a hectic divorce. I do not have any family (both of my parents died long ago and I have no siblings) where I could go to have at least a little peace. Mostly I am at an age where any wrong turn could have devastating consequences. So I am trying to see what my options are and see if anything can be tolerable or manageable.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think is time you take your fears away. You're just making excuses. 
Talk to a divorce lawyer and see where you legally stand and how long you need to get yourself ready. If you're so afraid of your husband, talk it over with the lawyer. He would be able to get protection for you. 

While you're getting your ducks in a row, you should get a gun for your protection. Make sure you document any physical and/or psychological abuse and have it documented by your lawyer. Your stuck with Stockholm syndrome. Get out of it. You're helping your abuser.


----------

