# Advice for a young couple



## ym96

Next month will be our one year wedding anniversary. We've been together for two and a half years, and before the newlywed phase totally goes away, I just wanna hear some advice on what has helped you achieve longevity in your marriage? I know every marriage is different, but I still would like to know...
(Families aren't very advice giving, and the advice they do give is very vague to where we can't really get anything from it)

Sent from my LG-D850 using Tapatalk


----------



## meson

Don't stop doing the good things that let your relationship grow to marriage. Invest in your marriage even when the day to day life chores become burdensome. You do this by making time for quality together time as a priority.


----------



## anchorwatch

The ideas are not a secret. It's just a matter if you two will read and use them. Here are two comprehensive starting points, that are easy to understand. Take a look...

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

Best


----------



## jb02157

Make sure that you still see eye to eye where you stand on starting a family, if you both will work and if not how finances will be handled. We were completely in agreement on this until about one year and my wife did a complete about face on where she stood. This literally killed our marriage, things went straight downhill from there.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 

...And be diligent to keep these at bay...weed them out.. 



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> *** *Defensiveness*- conveys the message, “*The problem is not me. It’s you.*” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.
> 
> Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> *** *Stonewalling* -
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
> 
> Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....
> 
> Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall


----------



## EllisRedding

Always make sure you have Plan B waiting in the wings in case things don't work out 

Been married over 14 years and we got married young. As others have said, be open and honest with each other, never stop dating each other. Make sure you guys are on the same page with finances, family, etc... IMO, the biggest challenge for us came when we had kids, when we (as a married couple) became less of a priority.

Just remember, there is nothing easy about marriage, you have to continually work at it to make it work. Don't get complacent and don't take each other for granted.


----------



## CharlieParker

My simplistic thoughts on a complex subject. *
*


Pardon my French but don't be dìcks and do give a shìt about your spouse will get you far. 
*
*
If you're not both having fun (like you are now) you need to talk, like right away. 
*
*
Sex is like oxygen. Never stop breathing or f'ing. And it's not a weapon. 
_
_
Empathy goes a long way.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

As other's have mentioned, read the 5 Love Languages, learn the order of each other's needs, and speak them often. Don't let any baggage from prior relationships affect your lives together.

Don't use sex as a weapon.


----------



## Yosemite

longevity in marriage?

Not thinking those words are often found in the same sentence.


----------



## uhtred

Don't forget that you love each other. 

Just because you are married doesn't mean that you should stop dating. Take each other out on dates frequently. Romance and seduce each other as if you were just meeting.

IMHO the big risks to marriage are children and money. You have to work together and be in agreement on these things.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Be honest with yourself, and then extend that honesty to your partner. You can't overcome problems if the real expectations are hidden from the planning.


----------



## ym96

Thank y'all so much for the wise words! Me and my husband have been through so much together, and all we want is to have many more years together.
Oh, and we have a one year old, so EllisRedding thank you your advice really helped a lot. I try my best to make sure we have at least one time a week, even for just a few hours, for just the two of us.

Sent from my LG-D850 using Tapatalk


----------



## meson

Yosemite said:


> longevity in marriage?
> 
> Not thinking those words are often found in the same sentence.


The fact is most marriages don't end in divorce and due to that there are plenty of long lasting marriages. My parents just had their 55 anniversary this week. My marriage will be 27 in just over a month and there is a least one member on this thread that been married longer. There was a thread awhile back and many members are 30+ and still going. I think one was over 65.

The point is the advice given here is real hard won advice. My marriage started off great but went sideways for awhile. Because I found a formula to restore it my marriage is great again today. Hopefully the OP never loses it.


----------



## EllisRedding

ym96 said:


> Thank y'all so much for the wise words! Me and my husband have been through so much together, and all we want is to have many more years together.
> Oh, and we have a one year old, so EllisRedding thank you your advice really helped a lot. I try my best to make sure we have at least one time a week, even for just a few hours, for just the two of us.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D850 using Tapatalk


One kid = ok, we can do this
Two kids = treading water, but we got this
Three kids = Oh $hit, what just happened, when will they finally be leaving the house for good! Better get snipped, we can 't risk a potential catastrophe!

:grin2:

My W and I did do a poor job at times of prioritizing our marriage, but really , there is no way to prepare for having kids (especially multiple). We have done much better though this year (arranging weekend getaways, I actually take vacation days now when the kids are actually in school so my W and I have the house to ourselves, etc...)

You are doing a great job, keep your marriage at the top of your priority list and you guys will do well!


----------



## meson

EllisRedding said:


> One kid = ok, we can do this
> Two kids = treading water, but we got this
> Three kids - Oh $hit, what just happened, when will they finally be leaving the house for good!
> 
> :grin2:
> 
> My W and I did do a poor job at times of prioritizing our marriage, but really , there is no way to prepare for having kids (especially multiple). We have done much better though this year (arranging weekend getaways, I actually take vacation days now when the kids are actually in school so my W and I have the house to ourselves, etc...)
> 
> You are doing a great job, keep your marriage at the top of your priority list and you guys will do well!


This is exactly what happened to us. First one leaves next week.


----------



## EllisRedding

meson said:


> This is exactly what happened to us. First one leaves next week.


I still got a while  I have a feeling when the 3rd one is finally leaving the older 2 will be moving back in with us lol.


----------



## ym96

meson said:


> The fact is most marriages don't end in divorce and due to that there are plenty of long lasting marriages. My parents just had their 55 anniversary this week. My marriage will be 27 in just over a month and there is a least one member on this thread that been married longer. There was a thread awhile back and many members are 30+ and still going. I think one was over 65.
> 
> The point is the advice given here is real hard won advice. My marriage started off great but went sideways for awhile. Because I found a formula to restore it my marriage is great again today. Hopefully the OP never loses it.


I hope so too. I know the stigma about high school sweethearts and I love him too much to let that become a reality.

Sent from my LG-D850 using Tapatalk


----------



## Daisy12

Always be honest with your feelings, wants and needs. Never stop dating, flirting and having sex with your spouse. Make time to be intimate and it may seem like it's not hard to now, but when kids come into the pictures things change. I'm sure anyone with kids will tell you this... They take all the romance out of a marriage..lol Put your relationship first, even above the kids. Kids are with you for a short time, but your spouse is with you forever. I'm glad I woke up and realized this before my marriage went really way off track.


----------



## NoChoice

There are three very important constituents to any successful marriage and if you apply these to your marriage then you stand a good chance attaining your goal. The first is communication. The second is communication. And the third and perhaps most important is communication. Always remember that no one is telepathic and although you may believe the other person SHOULD know what you are thinking that perception is almost always wrong.

Without communication questions go unanswered, needs go unmet and praise and appreciation go unexpressed. It is vital to communicate with your spouse about every aspect of your relationship and it is vital that they listen and truly hear you. Do not let silence destroy your marriage as it has so many others by failing to let your spouse know where you stand, what you need and how much they mean to you. I wish you a long and happy marriage.


----------



## meson

ym96 said:


> I hope so too. I know the stigma about high school sweethearts and I love him too much to let that become a reality.


I know a couple that were High School sweethearts (we were classmates) who married and have been married for nearly 40 years. So not all of them end prematurely.


----------



## TX-SC

My wife and I have been married for 20 years, together for 22. We have two daughters (14 and 12).

I don't have any sage advice for you. Much of what has been said in other posts works for us. I think, at least for my wife and I, the reality is this:

1) Divorce is not an option. I take marriage seriously and am willing to do everything in my power to make it last. That means I need to have respect for my wife and be willing to make changes as needed to make the love deep and lasting. Too many young people these days see marriage as expendable. Never bring up divorce. NEVER! No matter how angry you are. 

2) respect your spouse. He/she has feelings, hopes, dreams, and needs like anyone else. Work with him to meet those needs and express your own. 

3) Children are hard work and will stress your marriage more than anything else you can imagine. Give your marriage time to settle for a while before bringing kids into the picture. My wife and I waited 6 years before trying for kids. 

4) Sex is an important part of marriage, but it isn't the MOST important part. Have fun and enjoy each other. Spice it up if you need but don't introduce others into your sex. It usually leads to problems. Buy toys and do other things to spice it up a bit. 

5) Always have date nights, even after kids have come into the picture. 

6) Keep your marital issues between you and your husband. If you need more, get a counselor. Your friends and family are not equipped to give good advice. They will ALWAYS take your side which builds resentment between you and your husband and between your confidant and your husband.


----------



## Legend

Radical honesty (no secrets past or present) and absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. Priorities: God, spouse, children... in that order. Go out on a date once per week. Talk openly and be affectionate.


----------



## Miss Independent

Legend said:


> absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. .




?


----------



## TX-SC

Legend said:


> Radical honesty (no secrets past or present) and absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. Priorities: God, spouse, children... in that order. Go out on a date once per week. Talk openly and be affectionate.


What? No masturbation????


----------



## Blondilocks

As TX-SC said, do not bring up divorce.

Do not make unilateral decisions on important matters. Marriage is a partnership and both partners get to provide input.


----------



## LucasJackson

Follow the vows. Love, honor, cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, till death do you part. It's really that simple. Follow those marriage rules and you got it made.

Every divorce since the very first divorce can be traced to one or both partners violating one or more of those vows.


----------



## EllisRedding

TX-SC said:


> 1) Divorce is not an option. I take marriage seriously and am willing to do everything in my power to make it last. That means I need to have respect for my wife and be willing to make changes as needed to make the love deep and lasting. Too many young people these days see marriage as expendable. Never bring up divorce. NEVER! No matter how angry you are.
> 
> 4) Sex is an important part of marriage, but it isn't the MOST important part. Have fun and enjoy each other. Spice it up if you need but *don't introduce others into your sex.* It usually leads to problems. Buy toys and do other things to spice it up a bit.


Of course the issue is #1 and #4 could butt heads with each other over the bolded lol.

So I agree, you should not go into a marriage thinking divorce is an option, but unfortunately for some given the circumstances they later deal with, it is the only reasonable option. For me, cheating leaves divorce as the only viable option.


----------



## LucasJackson

meson said:


> The fact is most marriages don't end in divorce and due to that there are plenty of long lasting marriages. My parents just had their 55 anniversary this week. My marriage will be 27 in just over a month and there is a least one member on this thread that been married longer. There was a thread awhile back and many members are 30+ and still going. I think one was over 65.
> 
> The point is the advice given here is real hard won advice. My marriage started off great but went sideways for awhile. Because I found a formula to restore it my marriage is great again today. Hopefully the OP never loses it.


You're actually right about the statistics. I did some serious digging into the stats about marriages.

It's commonly held that "60% of all marriages end in divorce." That is technically true but doesn't paint a clear picture of the situation.

That number is very skewed by serial divorce'ers. The real stat is that 80% of people who get married are married just once and for life. 

Although it's true that of all marriages performed, 60% of them end in divorce what is really happening is that a smaller subset of people get married and divorced over and over, sometimes 3 or more times, which produces the 60% number. That falsely leads people to believe that 60% of people who get married end up divorcing and that couldn't be further from the truth.


----------



## Yosemite

LucasJackson said:


> You're actually right about the statistics. I did some serious digging into the stats about marriages.
> 
> It's commonly held that "60% of all marriages end in divorce." That is technically true but doesn't paint a clear picture of the situation.
> 
> That number is very skewed by serial divorce'ers. The real stat is that 80% of people who get married are married just once and for life.
> 
> Although it's true that of all marriages performed, 60% of them end in divorce what is really happening is that a smaller subset of people get married and divorced over and over, sometimes 3 or more times, which produces the 60% number. That falsely leads people to believe that 60% of people who get married end up divorcing and that couldn't be further from the truth.


This is the first I've heard of such a thing.

Ok @LucasJackson you've got my interest.

Now provide a reliable source for your information otherwise it's worthless.


----------



## meson

Yosemite said:


> This is the first I've heard of such a thing.
> 
> Ok @LucasJackson you've got my interest.
> 
> Now provide a reliable source for your information otherwise it's worthless.


Divorce rates don't really matter. What matters is what spouses put into marriage. Ym96 is seeking to tweak her marriage so that it remains. 

I stated the fact that most marriage don't end in divorce to help encourage ym96 and others that really the odds are in favor of marriage. Here is where I get my info:

What is the Actual US Divorce Rate and Risk? | Public Discourse

The article discusses different measures of divorce.

The 40-50% that most people quote is what is referred to as the cohort method and it is really not data but a projection. 



> Currently, the cohort measure is typically calculated as being in the 40-50 percent range for couples entering their first marriage. *Both Amato and Stanley place it in the 42-45 percent range for those marrying today. Stanley explains, drawing from a recent conversation with Amato, that
> 
> young married adults are not divorcing at the same rate as their parents did at similar ages, so it is likely that the divorce rate will decline in the future, once the Baby Boomers (who were and continue to be highly divorce prone) leave the population. Thus, as others have suggested, the future may well be brighter than the 42 to 45 percent risk estimate suggests, but we do not yet know this will be the case.


Perhaps LM got his 80% from the percent ever divorced measure described in the article. I don't know.

Here is another article that shows divorce rates according to year married plotted out.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/u...2000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=5&abt=0002&abg=0

This data is where I think ym96 can find encouragement. One of the comments in the discussion is that divorce rates are decling because instead of marrying for economic viability people are marrying for love and the bump in divorce was due to that transition among other factors. 

However I will state again it doesn't matter what the divorce rate is, it only matters what the spouses put into the marriage. I think ym96 understands this.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Legend said:


> Radical honesty (no secrets past or present) and absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. Priorities: God, spouse, children... in that order. Go out on a date once per week. Talk openly and be affectionate.


 There are some of us here who relate to this...but maybe in a slightly different way.. 

It' not about a "rule" or we need permission ... BUT... in years past.. I didn't even realize this...here my husband always waited for me, I was more guilty to doing some solo (this sure sounds backwards , doesn't it!).. anyway.. today.. both of us wait.. this is so easy to do...as we both love the intimacy.. and it's just better if there is some build up.. we don't even like to wait that long..

I think many may get hung up on the "permission" part.. we've never looked at it this way...it's just mutual pleasure sharing & we much prefer waiting for each other.


----------



## WonkyNinja

1. Always be each others best friend, but don't ever become just friends or "like brother and sister".

2. Learn how to argue without falling out. A person who always agrees with you is not necessarily a friend and sometimes the one who loves you the most will be the one telling you you're making a big mistake. Respect each other even when you differ. You can disagree all you like behind doors but in public you are united.

3. It's not about getting it your way, it's about making the best decision for the two of you at that time.

4. If it's important to your partner then it's important to you.

5. You know how you used to sneak around in high school finding any moment to jump on each others body? Keep that going, even when the orderlies in the old folks home are trying to stop you!!

6. When you have kids, don't hide the affection and intimacy between you. They need to see that and know that it's a regular part of a committed relationship so they know what to expect from their own future partner. After saying that they don't actually need to see the live performance, just the dressed rehearsals!!

7. Don't ever belittle your partner.

8. The post above with the "4 horsemen" info. Go back and read that again.

9. Your partners family is just as important in your children's lives as your own are, you need to stick up for them.

10. Sometimes you really need to do something stupid just for the sake of it.

11. Memories and experiences are more important than stuff. If the thought of a new granite counter top is more exiting than the thought of a trip somewhere together, you have a problem.

12. As you get older you will regret things you didn't do more than things you did. Opportunities you didn't take can never be changed, you can always lie in bed with your arms round each other saying "Yeah, doing that wasn't such a good idea." and often the big mistakes you make become really funny stories at a dinner party.


----------



## Ynot

keep it simple: be true to yourself and what happens, happens.


----------



## Yosemite

meson said:


> Divorce rates don't really matter. What matters is what spouses put into marriage.


Of course it matters. It shows that people really aren't designed to be with each other long term. Sure, some might go the distance, others won't, but if you want odds based on historical records, then you need to cite the statistics which are based on studies of real people. 



meson said:


> I stated the fact that most marriage don't end in divorce to help encourage ym96 and others that really the odds are in favor of marriage.


The odds are about 50/50. Those are not favorable odds. If I told you that you had a 1 in 2 chance of dying from cancer I'm sure I'd ruin your day.



meson said:


> Here is where I get my info:
> 
> What is the Actual US Divorce Rate and Risk? | Public Discourse
> 
> The article discusses different measures of divorce.


Good article, good source and it can be summarized in this following lines taken directly from that article:

The cohort measure rate provides a sophisticated estimation of the general risk of divorce for those marrying today. Currently, the cohort measure is typically calculated as being in the 40-50 percent range for couples entering their first marriage. 

Enough said.


----------



## TX-SC

Regardless of what the statistics say, almost all marriages have a chance to go the distance if both partners put in the effort. And, the effort in this instance is fun (not backbreaking work). Just always remember that you are both human and will make mistakes.


----------



## meson

Yosemite said:


> Of course it matters. It shows that people really aren't designed to be with each other long term. Sure, some might go the distance, others won't, but if you want odds based on historical records, then you need to cite the statistics which are based on studies of real people.
> 
> 
> 
> The odds are about 50/50. Those are not favorable odds. If I told you that you had a 1 in 2 chance of dying from cancer I'm sure I'd ruin your day.
> 
> 
> 
> Good article, good source and it can be summarized in this following lines taken directly from that article:
> 
> The cohort measure rate provides a sophisticated estimation of the general risk of divorce for those marrying today. Currently, the cohort measure is typically calculated as being in the 40-50 percent range for couples entering their first marriage.
> 
> Enough said.


The fact that it doesn't matter what the divorce rate is due to the nature of statistical distributions. The result of any one measurement does not depend upon the previous measurements or the distribution itself. See this:

Binomial Distribution Formula: What is it and How to use it



> Each observation or trial is independent. In other words, none of your trials have an effect on the probability of the next trial.


Statistical distributions do not imply causality.

Furthermore the cohort measure is a fiction based on thing not related to marriage. See the link in my other pist as it discusses this fiction. And the divorcee rates it uses are older ones that do not reflect the recent downward trend. So it over estimates the percentage. Actually they quoted 40-50% not 50/50.

The fact remains that most marriages last and this seems to be the the trend for the past 30 years. There is nothing here that supports your contention that people weren't meant to be married. Rather I suspect this claim is due to the rationalization of anecdotal experience transferred to the entire population which in itself is a statistical and logical fallacy.


----------

