# So confused?



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

After a 25 year marriage and divorce, I began dating. Three years later I am to be married in February 2013. He's a good man however, we have our problems. He tends to initially shut down when upset/disappointed. Sometimes it take a day or 24 hours for him to get it out. When he does, it usually is an argument. I like to lay problems, on-the-table and deal up front. We hardly argue and when we do it about "stupid" stuff.

Here the latest. I want to know your opinion as feel to emotional to think straight.

Last night...he calls from his moms (stopped by for visit after work). Said "I am gonna watch a little football and will be home bit." I hate cooking but cooked the last 2 nights. He feels that if I happen to be home/not working that day that I should have some sort of dinner for him (even leftovers). When he called he asked me to maybe heat up "something."

I was perturbed. He's watching football and wants me to heat something up for later. I didn't feel like it...maybe I was being a B...due to him wanting me to serve him. Selfish? I do everything else in the home...the one thing I don't like to do is food. But...I do it mostly.

He comes home..shut down. Goes to bed. Wakes up today and we "chat." He tells me he feels bad that I didn't heat up the food and I only have to cook 4 nights a month, etc. I tell him "I am not a slave." I took that word back later. He began yelling, etc and would overtalk me. I told him that I didn't want a marriage (we're engaged) if it's like this. I did apologize and tell him that I didn't want to make him feel insignificant. He feels that he works all day that he wants a hot meal (anything). I get it.

One thing led to another...he takes his clothes out of closet. Eventually, takes off my engagement ring; Asks for money back (I gave him a check) for the wedding trip; and asks for the earrings that he bought me (2 expensive pairs)-I gave them back. 

In between, he tried to hold my hand and want to make up but with each things (the ring, the check, etc)...I was so emotional...I am not sure If I want to be with a man that fights like this. 

Sure I said I didn't want a marriage (meaning under these conditions) but there is no discussion with him...it's all OUT. 

He's at his moms now asleep. 

I don't know if I should "make this better" or if this is a person that I want to spend my life with "Under these conditions."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been dating this man? How long have you two been living together.

Do you work outside the home? If not how did you support yourself between your last marriage and him supporting you?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Dating for 3 years...living together for 2.5. Relatively few issues...but the communication thing kills me. He's gotten better but shuts down and defensive. 

Yes I work outside the home-own business. I own the home I live in etc.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I see lots of red flags here and would not rush to marry this man until you have a better feeling about this. I agree with your "slave" comment, although you took it back. Who the h*ll does he think he is, hanging out at his mom's then pissed that you won't heat up his food? Why can't he heat up his own food? Is he a mama's boy where she heats up his food. You work, you own your own business, you own the home he lives in, but that's not good enough for him? There's some kind of power play going on here + lousy communication. Maybe lay your expectations out on the table. It seems like you're walking on eggshells here with him shutting down and shutting you out. This does not sound like a recipe for a good marriage.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thanks IslandGirl for the comment....

The slave comment was defensive on my part but I always try to see both sides. I didn't work yesterday and he did...he feels it's a respectful thing. He LOVES to cook and eat and often does. However, it's not my thing and I have been upfront at the beginning. 

I know it's give and take in the relationship. I understand that he felt insignificant that I didn't think enough to do something "simple" for him. I understand.

Perhaps a powerplay and lousy communication. 

I don't walk on eggshells but feel that if someone wants to be with me then a compromise must be settled.

He felt disrespected but once the argument escalated...I was the disrespected party. 

I need someone who is a team player; willing to go through tough times without taking off. Even though, I questioned out future marriage. I would have like to discuss it. Instead, he ended the relationship and said if we couldn't be married than there was no relationship left. I believe its out of anger.

Thank you for the feedback.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I see a lot of red flags here… 

I do think that it is reasonable for a spouse who is home all day (not working that day) to have a meal prepared. It’s not hard to cook a meal. There are crock pots and other ways to put a meal together in very little time. 

But if the meal is heated up left overs.. then wait till both of you are home and zap a couple of dishes in the microwave.

Him asking you to heat up food and then going ballistic because you did not is a huge red flag. Exactly how long does it take to heat up some food in the microwave? It would be cold by the time he got home.

His reaction was way over board… took back the wedding ring, took a check from you for the wedding trip, and took back earrings that were gifts. And between each of these he held your hand and tried to make up with you??????? 

What he was threatening you with leaving and taking back gifts to get you to make up. I’d be furious. There is something really wrong here. 

You were married for 25 years. Got a divorce. Then started dating his buy within 6 months and have been with him since? I don’t think you have given yourself time to learn to be on your own or to date around a bit before starting a new relationship.

What is this guy’s history for long term relationships, marriages etc?

At the very least put off the marriage for a year while the two of you do counseling. 

But really… this guy is not marriage material if this is the way he reacts to something like heating up left overs.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I would like to suggest the book "Emotional Blackmail : When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You".

I think if you find it and read it, you will see you are being manipulated. 

a meal not prepared does not equal the return of earrings, engagement ring, and trip repayment.

It equals "i'm feeling a little hurt by this" at it's worst.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

It wasn't CorpusWife's issue with making the meal; things went ballistic when he wasn't home for the dinner she prepared and she didn't want to re-heat the meal, so it's not about her making dinner 4x/month.

If this is the line in the sand he wants to draw - end it all because you wouldn't re-heat his food, there are WAY bigger problems in a marriage and if he can't discuss this civilly without blowing his cork, then you need to think long and hard about this (unless he ended this already by getting his stuff back and you reimbursing him).

You didn't give yourself enough time after your long marriage. Back off, postpone if not cancel the wedding, and maybe date him again. Go to MC if you still want to try, and discuss ways to communicate better.

But since he wanted the end the engagement over this, he might feel that this impending marriage isn't salvageable so there's no point in MC.

You should know what it's like to be in a happy relationship, and this isn't it.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Couple things, reheating some leftovers is not cooking and no big deal on either side. He asked you to do it fro him and he probably saw is as no big deal. You didn't forget, run out of time, or just too busy. You just didn't want to. That's on you.

His reaction was not good either. However you claimed to chat about it in the morning where he actually told you that it bothered him. I'm assuming in a calm manor. You're response "I'm not your slave!" Brought this disagreement to a whole other level. So what he and you, I assume, think is a rather small thing "reheating food" you just compared to being a slave. 

Sounds to me like issues on both sides.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

thanks to all for the comments:

I see the issues on both sides. I am willing to work on things. I apologized and told him of my concerns. After the "heat" turned down yesterday..he came by in the am. He said that he was an idiot and wasn't "a mean person" (he isn't by standard). He broke down and said he was very remorseful.

He doesn't know what got into him but on the way to my home...he mentioned "I am not looking for an excuse for what happened but I though perhaps that I was trying to sabotage our relationship due to being fearful of marriage. I don't know. But the explosion was out of character." It was.

We are going to talk about some guidelines for disagreements. Either extreme (shut down to all out explosions) aren't going to be part of my life. Nothing gets accomplished in these circumstances.

Thanks again to you all.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

So if he cooks do you do the dishes? No one likes doing dishes especially my wife. She loves to cook and is an excellent cook, but dishes are on me. 

He had a huge over reaction. However I would be really concerned if I were him regarding your attitude regarding being a "slave". Heating up some food or even cooking a meal from scratch should not be a big deal in a marriage. If my wife asked me to stop at the grocery store on the way home and I refused and said "I am not your slave", long term this marriage would not likely work out. 

If you ask him to do something for you does he refuse? "Honey, my tire pressure looks a little low could you check it?" "What am I your slave ? It's your car do it yourself!" If this is your relationship I do not see much future.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> thanks to all for the comments:
> 
> I see the issues on both sides. I am willing to work on things. I apologized and told him of my concerns. After the "heat" turned down yesterday..he came by in the am. He said that he was an idiot and wasn't "a mean person" (he isn't by standard). He broke down and said he was very remorseful.
> 
> ...


Read the book. I would be surprised if it doesn't come up again. Usually it is a pattern.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I see many red flags too. I would expect my future spouse to treat me with more respect than that...and the fact that he has extreme shut downs or even extreme explosions is a big red flag. I personally could not live with a person who is this unstable....but that is just me. Many people think this is normal behavior, but it never has been in my life nor any of my relationships. I am not sure these extremes will just go away once you walk down the aisle either. Life is short, so don't settle. 

I would get some counseling and push the date of the wedding out farther, or cancel it for now. Only you know what is best for you. I wish you well and happiness! You do deserve that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like an 'Acts of Service' guy.

I forget CW, was he married previously?

Let's face it, every relationship has issues. So ... he isn't a great communicator. My ex wasn't either. Her MO actually sounds a lot like his. Pull back, and escalate, rather than step up and address, or calmly ask for some time and space.

If the 'fixing' always remains on your plate, I would seriously reconsider marriage.

If he is open to coaching on how to fight ... and it's something you can both live with ... well then hell, everybody fights.

I don't think one example, an 'unstable' person makes.

But it does seem pretty apparent that he doesn't have a great deal of experience with regulating himself. I remember that behavior from my ex ... still loved her in spite of it, but it was notably 'childish'. And I recognized this as a result of her very f*d up childhood.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thanks Deejo for your insight.

I've known him for 3 years and this is the first. It was way out of character. He's not unstable and in fact usually reasonable. However, he is open to coaching and is willing to work things out. 

He has been married previously....and he has pointed out that this seems to be his most adult relationship. Hmmm. However, he married young when his date got pregnant and stayed with her for 8 years (unhappy from the get-go). 

So....it seems he is on the learning curve at the ripe old age of 49. 

I have a good head on my shoulders and am a REALLY great boundary setter. I trust my judgement and appreciated that input here.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I would call it quits. You are not married to this man. You can do better.


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