# should I leave or stay ?



## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

Hello everyone,
I decided to tell my story after reading a lot of posts here and unfortunately they left me worried. Let me explain my situation. I am 25 year old, attractive, well educated, funny, supportive, loving, loyal as hell wife. I got married almost 2 years ago to my husband who is also 25years old. Our story is almost like a movie story. Basically lot of long distance relationship, then living together a lot of giving up (on my side, I basically gave up my career, family and friends to move to another country) to be with him and our relationship was solid and I knew he was the one and trust me I am not one of these young people blindy in love. I am a very emotionally mature person. I have seen things. I have been hit on my many married men in the past (which made me hate those type of people), heard stories and since men always had interest in me I was very careful to end up with the loyal, loving and good person. And I thought I was. We were dating almost 3 years before getting married and he made me feel beautiful and loved and I felt like our bond was so strong. Of course we had argues here and there but never anything serious and since we both have a great sense of humor we developed a great partnership with lots of sex. 
We moved to a new place because of his career and since I am unemployed at the moment I felt a little sad because I am ambitious and I wanted a career for myself as well. I maybe spent more time on the couch and was more needy but we are talking about 2 months period.. Anyways I was so oblivious to what was happening that now I cant believe what was I thinking. My husband since he got new phone was super protective over it. I never questioned it because I trusted him and I would never assume something was wrong. I have a strong intuition and one night he was hanging out on his computer in the other room and I was in the living room. I could see him texting someone and at first I thought he group chat with his work buddys (which was true) but the chat ended like 2 hours ago and he was still texting... I had a weird feeling and when he didnt see me I came up close and joked "hey what are you doing there". his face was completely pale and he was shocked he wouldnt let me see his phone. Making long story short, I did my research and found out that he was messaging some escorts and was active on some adult chat. Also I found his naked pictures in front of the mirror in bathroom... from almost 8 months ago... I caught him and he was speechless. He shut down completely. I yelled, cried, I though I was dieing that how much in pain I was. It took us 3 days and he didnt want to open up to me which happens very often during argues.I approached him very calmly, I just wanted to understand. Eventually he admitted that he was bored with me. that he has problem with staying faithful and that he never did anything physical with them but he said that he is scared that he might. I was so stunned that in that moment I thought who is that person I married? and WHY ME? ....I called for divorce even though I have no job, no money and my family is overseas. I felt so angry but hurt and just wanted to hear him saying anything. After that he came around apologized, deleted all his passwords in the phone, said that I can check it whenever I want that he said those things because he felt so embarrassed that I found out about it but he would never hurt me and never did anything physical. Since he didnt and I couldnt take the not eating, crying my eyes out days anymore I agreed and the next day he acted like nothing ever happened. he is just like we always were. he even asked me to have a baby. and since my emotions calmed down a little bit I dont know what to think.... I feel like if I wont leave him this will come back one day to me and since I am young I still can have a great relationship with someone else... Is just I love him and I really wanted to spend our future together... One time I think that it wasnt anything serious and he loves me but the second I just get those thoughts.... what do you think ? I would want to hear some opinions from male side too, to help me understand ? I dont want to turn into one of those wifes that husbands cheats on... oh god


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I always looked at that adult online chat and escort-seeking type behavior as a compulsion. It seems that guys who are into that stuff find it very difficult to quit it and always seem to fall back on it. That has been my impression over the years.

He said some other things about you - got bored with you or lost attraction? - and some about himself - has problems staying faithful?

First, you can't put too much faith in what a cheater says when caught, the cheater is usually just looking for excuses, whatever he can say to you to get you to forget about it and make it right, as quickly and as painlessly for him as possible. That's what I chalk up the "let's have a baby" comment to, just trying to divert you and show his commitment to you.

If you don't have kids to keep you together, consider that you may have been wrong about him. The types of things he was hiding from you - online chat and sexting - are pretty easy to hide, especially if he never talked about them before. You know that you WERE WRONG about thinking that he didn't like those things, which is what you thought before - he always liked those things.

Again, I consider that type of stuff more a compulsion than typical cheating behavior. In some respects, less of a betrayal than if he sought out an affair with another woman like you, a real-life woman, but in another sense, much harder to overcome, because the internet always will be at his fingertips. Like putting a drug addict in a room with a desk, where he knows the drugs are in the desk drawer. All it will take is one moment of weakness late one night when you are in bed.

You are young and not tied to him financially or through having children. See if you can do a little research or consult with a counselor (without him) who has some insight into the type of compulsion your husband apparently has and his chances of beating it. See if counseling helps this type of behavior and if so maybe he can get some. I am no expert, but I have seen what I have seen in life and I don't think this is some easy thing to just stop doing. Once you find out, you can better decide whether it is something you want to deal with going forward.

Do not get pregnant or purchase any major assets until you can be sure he has this thing under control.

As far as being bored with you - also a bad sign, but more because it seems like him trying to blame you for his issues and manipulate you into thinking you are somehow the cause. I would not put too much emphasis on it because he might be just trying to make excuses and he might feel you're susceptible to that manipulation from him because he knows you are unhappy and maybe a little self-conscious about being temporarily out of work. I would be curious to know what exactly he would like you to do to make you less boring. Get a job? If that's his answer, what a load of crap that is. Change your personality to be a drama queen? Then you just trade one set of problems for another, plus, that's just not you.

As far as he has problems staying faithful - gee, that would have been useful info for you to know BEFORE you got married. Well, at least he is telling you before you have kids with him and before you buy a house together. Again, I don't put too much emphasis on it, it seems more like a compulsion than unfaithfulness to me. He's not going to leave you for another woman or an online chat girl, but it's definitely not something you are going to be willing to put up with. By him telling you he has problems being faithful, he is trying to excuse this flaw in himself, to get you to acknowledge that he just can't help it, it's not a choice, he just has a problem with it. It's another manipulative tactic.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Jenny, are you in the US? Do you have the 10 year unconditional green card? 

This happened to me ... I was devastated too. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I moved from the UK to the US and was severely betrayed. I thought it was the end of the world.

First you need to be smart and figure out whether you want to stay in your adopted country. You definitely need to form a plan on how you can leave him, even if it's not immediately. 

Do you have any friends close by that you can turn to ... even acquaintances? I was so surprised to find how many people offered help when I asked for it.


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## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

thank you Will_Kane for your answer... I feel a bit relieved that it is not THAT bad as I thought but still feel a bit uncertain about the whole situation because of the reasons you pointed out exactly: its addictive and it's so easy to jump back on it and you never know when u will cross the line. My plan is to give it a chance but at the same time find a job and find my independence in case if something will happen, I will have the financial support to live by myself.


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## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

beautiful_day I have the one for 2-3 years I think. We moved to a completely new place so I dont have many friends here, I mean its been 3 months so barely any....but I hope to make some when I will start working. I do have family in another state and also I called my husbands brother after I found out and he was very helpful. At first I wanted to go back home but now when I think about it I think after all the move and everything I want to try to make a living here. Thats why I decided to see how it will turn out, but also get a steady job so I can support myself if anything will happen. I did find myself in a situation when I wanted to leave but didnt have any money and I feel like I would be more harsh if I had my own finances. its just a situation I would never expect to happen and it scared me because I felt just so lonely and depressed. Now its better but like I've mentioned I am working on my "back up" plan...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling might help, both as a couple and individually.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Jenny, this is way too early in a marriage for things like this. For the experienced people in the house, we have gone years before the BS starts. When a spouse starts having issues like this, regardless of you laying on the couch (which is probably depression). You have given up a lot for this relationship from your description. The question is, is this the tip of the iceberg, or is there more. What do you want. What are you prepared to do now. Matt and others are saying counseling might help, if you love him and want to. Role reversal, what if you were doing this to him, what would he do. You know him, what would be his viewpoint on this. I told, relayed, conversed etc... with my second wife that I have been down the of garbage, if you so much as send a picture of any part of your anatomy, your out. Good luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Eventually he admitted that he was bored with me. that he has problem with staying faithful and that he never did anything physical with them but he said that he is scared that he might. *

As a therapist I listen to what people say and what they don't say. I was not there when your husband said these things and body language is important as well. But what you wrote above is alarming.

The use of the word "never" in my world is stating that he is lying. If he used the word "never" and he stated that "he never did anything physical with them", I would concur that he did. I am not saying this as a possibility I would say with almost 100% certainty that he had sex with these escorts. To me what you wrote about his statement is an admission of guilt. 

His statement, "I have a problem staying faithful", to me is also an admission of guilt. Why would he say this if he was not faithful? His verbage is telling me first that he is lying (cheaters lie), and if you buy the argument that he is referring to just texts on his phone or chatting on the computer is something I would not accept. Excorts get paid to hook up, they get paid for sex. If your husband used the words I have problems with temptation, etc then I would presume he may have not hooked up. But reading your post and "listening" to what your husband said, speaks volumns.

Now the "Let's have a baby". Oh, boy. If you go there with this guy you are buying a big lie. He certainly knows you and he knows what buttons to push.

I don't mean this is a nasty way, but you are not as mature as you think. You made a huge mistake with this guy and you only have a small piece of the evidence.

If you can check any and all financial records. If there are questionable expenditures try to figure out what these were spent on and look at what these excorts cost, if the expeniture are close to what an excort cost, you have your answer.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> *Eventually he admitted that he was bored with me. that he has problem with staying faithful and that he never did anything physical with them but he said that he is scared that he might. *
> 
> *As a therapist* I listen to what people say and what they don't say. I was not there when your husband said these things and body language is important as well. But what you wrote above is alarming.
> 
> *The use of the word "never" in my world is stating that he is lying. If he used the word "never" and he stated that "he never did anything physical with them", I would concur that he did.* * I am not saying this as a possibility I would say with almost 100% certainty that he had sex with these escorts. To me what you wrote about his statement is an admission of guilt. *


I disagree. Some cheaters say "never" and they mean it.


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## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

thank you very much for all your answers and help, I feel so much better talking about it with all of you, you are very helpful. 

The thing with the he never did, was not really his words but mine. It was very hard to talk to him and opened up when I found out (I couldnt let it go, I was waking him up constantly to answer me and was very pushy) so I basically asked him questions like have you ever met any of those women? "no. when? i always work" which is true he comes home straight from work and never was gone for any amount of time. and whenever he is off or gets a haircut we always hang out together. he always asks if i want to come along etc. When I tried him to opened up I told him to come clean with everything we did and I told him that yes one night when I was out with my friends I danced with my friend (nothing sexual, but I never did it before) and thats when he got so upset at me and told me that he never even touched any other woman and I danced with some "dude" and that it really made him mad. Like Rottdad said I know its waaaay to early for any BS like this, thats why I am alarmed and trying to separate my emotions from my straight thinking. 

After we made up I told him that I really care for him and want to work it out and I told him to tell me when anything is wrong or he is not happy. I am very open, straightforward and honest so I prefer the ugly truth than pretending oh everything is ok and then finding out. then he said that he has no desire to cheat on me and basically denied everything that he said before (bored, problem with staying faithful) which to me was just weird because how can u change your mind so quickly? what was that all about? I still feel like he didnt open up entirely to me. I talked about it with my brother with whom I am very close, he is single, older and right now just playing around with girls and even for him my husband is a big puzzle (he knows him and said that whenever they hanged out he didnt act like a person that has a soft spot for other girls, especially when we were out and such...). he doesnt understand where that all came from and what the hell is going on in his head.... how can he goes talking about babies, future, even though I dont work he never said anything about it, there was never problem with money, and another thing... my husbands brother cheated on his wife and during thanksgiving he grabbed me on the couch cuddled and told me that he is so happy we are so good and that he will never let us become his brother marriage... and then he still sexted those chics like 2 weeks after that. what the heck ? I even thought that maybe he is just unstable emotionally? not mature enough? I really don't know...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jenny89 said:


> Hello everyone,
> I decided to tell my story after reading a lot of posts here and unfortunately they left me worried. Let me explain my situation. I am 25 year old, attractive, well educated, funny, supportive, loving, loyal as hell wife. I got married almost 2 years ago to my husband who is also 25years old. Our story is almost like a movie story. Basically lot of long distance relationship, then living together a lot of giving up (on my side, I basically gave up my career, family and friends to move to another country) to be with him and our relationship was solid and I knew he was the one and trust me I am not one of these young people blindy in love. I am a very emotionally mature person. I have seen things. I have been hit on my many married men in the past (which made me hate those type of people), heard stories and since men always had interest in me I was very careful to end up with the loyal, loving and good person. And I thought I was. We were dating almost 3 years before getting married and he made me feel beautiful and loved and I felt like our bond was so strong. Of course we had argues here and there but never anything serious and since we both have a great sense of humor we developed a great partnership with lots of sex.
> We moved to a new place because of his career and since I am unemployed at the moment I felt a little sad because I am ambitious and I wanted a career for myself as well. I maybe spent more time on the couch and was more needy but we are talking about 2 months period.. Anyways I was so oblivious to what was happening that now I cant believe what was I thinking. My husband since he got new phone was super protective over it. I never questioned it because I trusted him and I would never assume something was wrong. I have a strong intuition and one night he was hanging out on his computer in the other room and I was in the living room. I could see him texting someone and at first I thought he group chat with his work buddys (which was true) but the chat ended like 2 hours ago and he was still texting... I had a weird feeling and when he didnt see me I came up close and joked "hey what are you doing there". his face was completely pale and he was shocked he wouldnt let me see his phone. Making long story short, I did my research and found out that he was messaging some escorts and was active on some adult chat. Also I found his naked pictures in front of the mirror in bathroom... from almost 8 months ago... I caught him and he was speechless. He shut down completely. I yelled, cried, I though I was dieing that how much in pain I was. It took us 3 days and he didnt want to open up to me which happens very often during argues.I approached him very calmly, I just wanted to understand. Eventually he admitted that he was bored with me. that he has problem with staying faithful and that he never did anything physical with them but he said that he is scared that he might. I was so stunned that in that moment I thought who is that person I married? and WHY ME? ....I called for divorce even though I have no job, no money and my family is overseas. I felt so angry but hurt and just wanted to hear him saying anything. After that he came around apologized, deleted all his passwords in the phone, said that I can check it whenever I want that he said those things because he felt so embarrassed that I found out about it but he would never hurt me and never did anything physical. Since he didnt and I couldnt take the not eating, crying my eyes out days anymore I agreed and the next day he acted like nothing ever happened. he is just like we always were. he even asked me to have a baby. and since my emotions calmed down a little bit I dont know what to think.... I feel like if I wont leave him this will come back one day to me and since I am young I still can have a great relationship with someone else... Is just I love him and I really wanted to spend our future together... One time I think that it wasnt anything serious and he loves me but the second I just get those thoughts.... what do you think ? I would want to hear some opinions from male side too, to help me understand ? I dont want to turn into one of those wifes that husbands cheats on... oh god



If your hubby was bored, as he says, why didn't he communicate this to you? Want to spice things up? His fantasies? Why did he say nothing?

At least you caught him red handed and it was only texting and web sites.

Since then, he has given you full access and no longer does these things. If he is telling you the truth, he didn't cheat on you.

I would sit him down and ask him, what really turns you on? Lets spice it up and go wild!!! Tell him what your fantasies are as well.

Who honestly is the high sex drive spouse? You or him?

Maybe he didn't feel comfortable talking about his fantasies and sexual appetites?

If you can, monitor him. See what's going on and then make your decision.


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## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If your hubby was bored, as he says, why didn't he communicate this to you? Want to spice things up? His fantasies? Why did he say nothing?
> 
> At least you caught him red handed and it was only texting and web sites.
> 
> ...


I did that immediately and after we made up I start initiating sex more and even before that we had sex at least 3-4 times a week. He is definitely the high sex drive spouse and whenever I was turning him down he was getting really upset, so after that situation I changed a bit and I told him hey let me know what you want/like, I can do it, but he said that everything is great (so hard to opened up, I hate it...), but like I said after that situation my sex drive went up because before I got comfortable and just a little lazy, now I am like hey let's do it...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jenny89 said:


> thank you very much for all your answers and help, I feel so much better talking about it with all of you, you are very helpful.
> 
> The thing with the he never did, was not really his words but mine. It was very hard to talk to him and opened up when I found out (I couldnt let it go, I was waking him up constantly to answer me and was very pushy) so I basically asked him questions like have you ever met any of those women? "no. when? i always work" which is true he comes home straight from work and never was gone for any amount of time. and whenever he is off or gets a haircut we always hang out together. he always asks if i want to come along etc. When I tried him to opened up I told him to come clean with everything we did and I told him that yes one night when I was out with my friends I danced with my friend (nothing sexual, but I never did it before) and thats when he got so upset at me and told me that he never even touched any other woman and I danced with some "dude" and that it really made him mad. Like Rottdad said I know its waaaay to early for any BS like this, thats why I am alarmed and trying to separate my emotions from my straight thinking.
> 
> After we made up I told him that I really care for him and want to work it out and I told him to tell me when anything is wrong or he is not happy. I am very open, straightforward and honest so I prefer the ugly truth than pretending oh everything is ok and then finding out. then he said that he has no desire to cheat on me and basically denied everything that he said before (bored, problem with staying faithful) which to me was just weird because how can u change your mind so quickly? what was that all about? I still feel like he didnt open up entirely to me. I talked about it with my brother with whom I am very close, he is single, older and right now just playing around with girls and even for him my husband is a big puzzle (he knows him and said that whenever they hanged out he didnt act like a person that has a soft spot for other girls, especially when we were out and such...). he doesnt understand where that all came from and what the hell is going on in his head.... how can he goes talking about babies, future, even though I dont work he never said anything about it, there was never problem with money, and another thing... my husbands brother cheated on his wife and during thanksgiving he grabbed me on the couch cuddled and told me that he is so happy we are so good and that he will never let us become his brother marriage... and then he still sexted those chics like 2 weeks after that. what the heck ? I even thought that maybe he is just unstable emotionally? not mature enough? I really don't know...


When a person typically says a straight no that is often times a true statement. Glad he did not use "never". As pointed out above it is not always accurate, but liars typical use words or phrases that are common in lying. 

Don't let your guard down for one minute. He says one thing and does another.


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## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

hey guys.... just a heads up... i couldnt let i go and I caught him again... he has a EA with a girl that he plays games with.... Like what is he 5? Like what is this? He is a cold blooded liar after all the talks and promises and acting like everything is great in real life, hes been texting her behind me back... FIRST... wow divorce time I guess....


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

If he can't stop, I guess you'll have to. Sorry about this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

He is giving you a look at what your future with him will be like. A life of lies and no trust. 

Lawyer up, you can always stop the process if he shows genuine remorse and you make the decision to give it another chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Two years??? Hell, honey, the ink is barely dry on your marriage license and he's already gone outside your marriage for a little excitement?!!! I don't think your two have much of a chance. I don't usually suggest divorce, but in this case.....?


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## jenny89 (Dec 29, 2013)

thanks Guys... I know he crossed the line I would be so stupid to stay with him ... so yeah now only rational, cold thinking and start divorce procedures....


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jenny89 said:


> thanks Guys... I know he crossed the line I would be so stupid to stay with him ... so yeah now only rational, cold thinking and start divorce procedures....



You are young, don't stay with this creep. He isn't the person you think you love. Start over now while your only baggage is a failed marriage. Take this lesson move on and cut all ties with him. He's toxic.


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