# How do I tell my husband that he needs to take over



## tikilyn (Oct 28, 2011)

the finances? My husband and I have been together for 18 years and married for 13 of those years. We have two children under the age of 11 and I am a sahm. My husband and I decided when he went to work for the government that he would make enough to support us all, so I could stay at home (and he does!). 

I love being a sahm and being there for my family but with that came the bills. I am responsible for them all and it sucks. I am tired of being the only one responsible for paying them. Right now we are at odds over some debt we have and we both want to pay it off but he has it in his head that I should be able to pay off a 4000.00 credit card in two months and acts in disbelief when I tell him the bill isn't paid off yet. Its like he doesn't understand where all the money is going. I've told him several times what bills we have and how much money is coming in and going out. 

He is away right now working a detail so he can get his next gun and that's all fine and dandy with me but why does he have to call me worrying about the bills? He has a lot on his plate at work. He just doesn't trust me with the money. And on more than one occasion he has told me that the money was his and not ours. Makes me feel really worthless. It's gotten to the point every time he calls all he wants to know is how were doing with the bills. I've gotten of frustrated that I just start to deflect his question, change the subject. I for one would love for him to call me to just talk to me and not about the bills.

So when he left we owed 5000 on that credit card and in two months I have paid down 1000 off of it but I know it's not going to be enough for him. I've also out of stress from him added 1000.00 to another card we have and I haven't told him. I plan to have that paid off before he gets home.

I also just got hired on at Target for a seasonal job with the hopes that they keep me after. I want him to see that I am not trying to ruin his life (he's never came out and said that to me but sometimes I feel like that's what he's thinking) If he could he would hoard all the money in to a savings account but we already have a 6 month emergency fund in place. Its just not enough for him.

So how do I tell him he needs to take over the bills because I can't make headway fast enough for him. I'm willing to hand over all credit and debit cards to him and let him have at it. 

I just don't want this to ruin our marriage. I hate money! Anyone with some advice for me? I'll answer any question you all have.

Thanks for your time and sorry if I sound like I am rambling but my anxiety levels are through the roof right now.


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## tikilyn (Oct 28, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> My suggestion is to write out everything showing him exactly where all the money is going. Create a budget and show him it. Ask for his input into where money can be saved.
> 
> Telling him wont work. You have to show him.
> 
> ...


Because when I stress I like to spend money. I try my best not to go out at all when I'm stressed but sometimes when running for milk I'll end up buying extra stuff we don't need so my 3.00 gallon of milk becomes a 100.00 basket of stuff. I also think I over pay the bills and don't leave enough for the two next two weeks and then some items goes on the cards to make it through the next payday. I hate this! 

We made the budget together but it just doesn't work. I hate to put this on him but I'm not making headway with the bills and I am hoping he can or at least understand my position with the money.


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## tikilyn (Oct 28, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Sounds like he is asking because you aren't do a good job of looking after the finances.
> 
> Make the budget. Track the expenses. Change the budget where it isn't working.
> 
> ...


You're right but if it gets him off my case and open his eyes just a little bit, then I'm okay with it to a point. Thats why I got a part time job, so I can have money to help out.

He just makes me feel like I'm not good enough and he is better but he doesn't want to take over the job. I guess he's right and I'm not doing a good enough job...


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Take the initiative and nip this in the bud, now. These little lies and deceptions on your part, and mistrust in you on his part sound very familiar. 

These things lead to resentment, from both sides. And then next thing you know someone is smack dab in the middle of an affair and divorce is on the horizon.

There are some early warning signals that I am picking up that has to be fixed right away or the future will not be good.


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## tikilyn (Oct 28, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> Take the initiative and nip this in the bud, now. These little lies and deceptions on your part, and mistrust in you on his part sound very familiar.
> 
> These things lead to resentment, from both sides. And then next thing you know someone is smack dab in the middle of an affair and divorce is on the horizon.
> 
> There are some early warning signals that I am picking up that has to be fixed right away or the future will not be good.


Twistedheart, you are so right. I do feel resentment towards him and I know he feels the same way. I really want to put it all out on the table for us to work on it but he's not home and I hate talking about this stuff on the phone. I want him to see it on paper. He has five weeks until he gets home. But I will be glad and relieved when I can pass this bill paying on to him. I just want him to feel the pressure that he puts on me. Maybe he can make some headway for us. 

I'm also thinking marriage counseling is in order. I just don't know if we can afford it financially. 

Thank you everyone for listening to me and helping me.


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## tajd (Oct 29, 2011)

I value Dave Ramseys advice and would recomend the book "The Total Money Makeover." You guys both need to be on the same page with the money and a budget. Perhaps an envelope system would work where you have a specific envelope for each expense (such as groceries) with cash in them. When the money is spent for that category, that is it for the month.


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## tikilyn (Oct 28, 2011)

tajd said:


> I value Dave Ramseys advice and would recomend the book "The Total Money Makeover." You guys both need to be on the same page with the money and a budget. Perhaps an envelope system would work where you have a specific envelope for each expense (such as groceries) with cash in them. When the money is spent for that category, that is it for the month.


We have done the Dave Ramseys plan and while it work for some time, it got really old for me. I think that's because I was the one doing all the work with the finances and dh was sitting back. He claims that he's to tired and can't remember the due dates and stuff like that. 

I guess I'm just tired of him griping at me when a bill isn't paid off as quick as he wants it to be. It's taking a toll on me emotionally and mentally. I feel like a failure because I can't hit our goals. 

Right now he is out of state working and when he calls me all he wants to do is talk about the money and bills. I get so upset because I don't like to talk about this stuff over the phone. I feel it's not right. He thinks I'm hiding things from him. These last couple of days have been ruff. He calls starts in on the bills, I make an excuse to get off the phone so I don't have to discussed it with him. Then I avoid his calls for a day or two and he gets upset (and I understand why). But my anxiety levels are through the roof and I'm not sleeping well either. I just can't take it anymore. 

I'm thinking about writing him an email to try and explain why I am dodging his calls. Hopefully I can get it all out and he understands where I'm coming from. I cry every night because I feel like a failure and that I've let him down. It sucks feeling like this. 

Thank you for taking the time out to post to me. It helps to gain prospective.


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