# Wife doesn't let me do anything and I'm scared to death



## speedgoat55 (May 5, 2017)

Been married for 5.5yrs, and have a 2yo boy.

My wife has always been restrictive about me being away from home, but since having our son she has gotten much worse, and now I am incredibly limited in having any freedom, and it's making me deeply unhappy.

I moved out of state to be with her 7 years ago, leaving my parents and most of my friends back home. I have also given up most of the things I used to love doing as a younger, single guy - going to concerts, snowboarding, mountain biking, etc. I realize some of that can come with the territory of being married and especially having a young kid, but I've compromised to the point where all I've done for the past few years is focus on my biggest hobby, which is cars.

She's very cool about spending money on cars (even thought of setting aside a generous "fun car fund" and contributed handsomely to it), but when it comes to actually using them, not so much. Due to anxiety and an accident her friends were in growing up that killed two of them, she does not allow me to go driving for more than 2 hours, and even that's a stretch. She worries that I'll get hurt or killed. I get that fear, but I also drive responsibly (no tickets or accidents in my 22yrs of driving!) and refuse to strangle my lifelong passion out of fear. She has okayed my first trackday in 4yrs (I put that on hold for our baby) but refuses to "let me" (hate typing that) go driving more than 2hrs.

This is huge for me because driving is both my way to destress and get away, and also to make friends. After 7 years here I'm sad to say I have many very casual friends but none that are close at all. When I have 2 hours, I can't get together with people very easily, can't truly relax knowing I have this time limit, etc. Even if I share my location via Google Maps with my wife and check in with her, she's not okay past 2hrs because it's incrementally more risk. Generally she's afraid of any situation which could possibly endanger me/us, and it's only gotten worse now that I'm a dad. She claims the 2hrs is a compromise because she doesn't want me to go at all. The car club has a ton of social events and I hate not being able to go to virtually any of them.

But the straw that really broke the camel's back was today. After 14mos of a pandemic, I proposed having my 2nd best friend who I've known for 19 years but haven't seen for 3yrs come visit and stay with us. She said because she now feels iffy about him because he's a very private person and has been stuck in a rut lately (out of work for years, no romantic relationship, and our age), she doesn't trust to stay at our house now that we have a kid. She's afraid he'll... abduct him or something? Don't even know. He's the nicest guy and was the first to send us a baby gift when we announced, even before family.

To top it off, she said next time we visit his area, she's not letting me even so much as have a beer with him on my own because I'm not to leave her with our kid after dragging her on a plane to visit my parents/friends. We can only spend time all together, which is less than ideal when I just want to catch up with the guy. She points to the fact we don't talk on the phone as it is, but I feel with guys it's often different and we just don't do the phone thing. She did say he could come visit and stay at a hotel which I guess works, but the overarching disregard for any freedoms is bigger than just that.

Is there hope? I would love to do marriage counseling but fear she won't take it seriously and even if she does, she won't change enough for us to be truly happy. I think the drivers are her anxiety (was recently prescribed lexapro but is resisting taking it after the first dose made her feel drowsy and drugged), along with her general lack of interests and close friends here (she grew up in overseas).

I realize this paints her in a terrible light and many will just say to end it. Two problems with that. 1) I love my son and really do not want to be a part-time dad. He may have a learning disability and I don't want to end this for selfish reasons, though at the same time I do want to live life and have some sense of self. 2) Despite this craziness, she really is great in basically all other areas. 100% honest and trustworthy, makes me laugh, works very hard at her job, affectionate, agreeable on most other issues, I could go on. I love her dearly, I really do. Unfortunately, this problem area is a HUGE one and I hate feeling like I can't live any sort of life outside of her and my son.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

However, if you can’t stand up for yourself no one is gonna do it for you.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Why do you let your wife restrict you like that? 
How can you expect her to respect you when you display such weakness? She's not letting you have a beer? Seriously? You want hope? Start behaving like a man.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

“I realize this paints her in a terrible light and many will just say to end it.”

No it doesn’t, it paints you in a terrible light. Women (and probably men to some extent) will act as badly as you let them. You have allowed her to be insanely controlling and dominant in your marriage. You have clearly been passive, which will only further incentivize her to continue and expand her dominance.
This is a very bad dynamic, but it’s your fault, as much or more than hers. It’s your responsibility to be the leader in your marriage, not hers. You are clearly not leading in your relationship, which will almost certainly end badly.

So your best path forward here is to figure out why you’ve been tolerating this, why you’re not leading your marriage. Your wife isn’t your mommy and it’s not up to her to “allow” or “not allow” you to do anything. You’re not acting like a man and you need to start, fast.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

^^^^^^ yep. OP you are your biggest problem.


----------



## speedgoat55 (May 5, 2017)

Fair enough. I do admit I am too nice and it has cost me in past relationships.

So how do I change things? Just do things that piss her off and hope for the best?


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

Boundaries! Does your wife know how you feel? Marriage is a partnership. Compromise is best but some people won’t do that. I know the feeling of feeling guilty about sharing the ugly side of your wife but it’s eating at you and you’re losing your identity. I would start with telling her how you feel.


----------



## speedgoat55 (May 5, 2017)

Oh I absolutely have. In fact she's getting pissed because I've been bringing this up for years. I'm trying to get her to focus on the fact that maybe that means it's important to me!

The problem is she views any incremental thing as her compromise. Going for 2hrs is a compromise because she worries about me and therefore she's letting me do 2hrs that I wouldn't otherwise. The friend thing is a compromise because I can see him, but she'll be there too. When I say that's not enough, she says I insist on getting my way.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> Boundaries! Does your wife know how you feel? Marriage is a partnership. Compromise is best but some people won’t do that. I know the feeling of feeling guilty about sharing the ugly side of your wife but it’s eating at you and you’re losing your identity. I would start with telling her how you feel.


No. It’s not about feelings, it’s about actions. You don’t need to talk, you need to do. It’s about making your own decisions whether she likes them or not. That doesn’t mean be a jerk and it doesn’t mean be a tyrant. Take her input into consideration as your wife, but your decisions about what you do are yours. You are the leader of your family dude, not her. 
As someone said above, download No More Mr Nice Guy and read it, now. That’s as good a place to start as any.


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

speedgoat55 said:


> Oh I absolutely have. In fact she's getting pissed because I've been bringing this up for years. I'm trying to get her to focus on the fact that maybe that means it's important to me!
> 
> The problem is she views any incremental thing as her compromise. Going for 2hrs is a compromise because she worries about me and therefore she's letting me do 2hrs that I wouldn't otherwise. The friend thing is a compromise because I can see him, but she'll be there too. When I say that's not enough, she says I insist on getting my way.


Ok so you’ve done the communication and compromise part. Some of the reply’s on your thread are complete bs because nobody leads the family and your not less of a man because you don’t do what you want when you want. “Man up” isn’t the issue here.
You’re going to have to decide what’s important and the risks your willing to take. If you want to live life being managed then ok do that. If you want to live life and enjoy it than your just going to have to do them. You can do it respectively though. 

example: I’m going for a drive, I know you worry and I respect that but I’ll be fine. I’ll give you a call in 2 hours but I am going to be gone for 4.

Something along the lines of stating you’ve heard her, you respect her opinion but you’re going to do it. What happens after that is unknown but don’t settle. She’ll either accept it or she won’t and worse case scenario is it doesn’t work out. Staying miserable in the marriage doesn’t benefit you, the wife or the child.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Your wife sounds very controlling...but...it seems to stem from some irrational fears she has...if you’re gone more than 2 hours you might die? Or an old friend is a child abductor simply because he’s not in a relationship? She needs some help. These fears are not normal.

I wish you luck in dealing with things. But, it sounds to me like she needs to know these fears are driving you away.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife's anxieties are HERS to manage, you do need to help her do that, but you can't do it for her. Her "allowing" you two hours of driving is completely irrational and ridiculous. So, there's no risk at all of you crashing in the first 1hr 59 minutes? Pmsl, as ridiculous as that is, it does show you how severe her anxiety is.

A fair compromise would be you checking in with her every two hours the first couple of times you do it, and then start every 3/4 hrs until you just do it a couple of times. That's a compromise. Not "Ok you can go, but only for 2 hrs because I worry".

Her views on your friend are bloody offensive to be honest. Who the hell does she think she is? She needs help. And if he stays in a hotel, are you only allowed to see him for 2 hours at a time? Is that once a day? Twice? See how ridiculous that is?

You need to sit her down and tell her, don't ask, TELL her that you cannot live like this anymore, and that you are going to counselling to learn how to set boundaries. Tell her she is absolutely welcome to come too, that you'd love to do this with her, but that you're going with or without her.

One more thing, if this was reversed and your wife was posting, you would have been absolutely vilified as an abuser, and a controlling husband. Think about that.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think you'll have to start doing things without worrying about what she thinks too much. Just tell her what you told us. She will get used to it, eventually, or maybe not. But you need to try. You can't live like this.


----------



## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Why are _you_ scared to death? (it's in your post title, but you didn't really address it in your post)


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rest assured that it will only get worse as she tightens her grip in time while you slowly conform to the version of life your “allowed” to live. My wife had control issues when our children were young. I sat her down and let her know her need for so much control was going to be the reason she would lose all control of everything around her and that she was soon going to be without a husband. From that day forward I never really gave one flip about what she thought and what would make her angry. She realized by my ACTIONS and not my WORDS that I wasn’t joking around. Within one month she became a happy person, the sex turned on, and passive aggressive BS disappeared. It was the best thing I ever did for our marriage.... for both of us.


----------



## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Dear wife, I will no longer be giving into your baseless fears and anxieties and will live my life normally. I suggest you go to counseling. Otherwise, see you on custody exchanges.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Buy a bicycle. Buy a trailer for the toddler. Start riding every freaking day.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

speedgoat55 said:


> Fair enough. I do admit I am too nice and it has cost me in past relationships.
> 
> So how do I change things? Just do things that piss her off and hope for the best?


I agree with the above. You are the problem, not your wife which is good news because you can change you. You cannot change her. You've already been advised to read NMMNG, so do that, then you will know what to do. Your wife has two children in the house, the baby and you. What she needs is a man and you either need to step up and fill that role or your marriage will fail. So grow a pair, set some boundaries and be the man of the house, not the little boy who has to ask his mommy's permission.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's interesting that SHE'S not afraid of turning you off of her or the marriage or of you getting angry about the restrictions (that no man I've ever known would put up with or follow). 

Why isn't she afraid to talk to you this way and make these demands?

Think about that.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Here irrational fears stemming from the loss of her friends years ago are taking over. She needs a therapist to get passed them. Talk with a professional but maybe some immersion therapy will help. 

the idea that you can't go for a drive or have a freaking beer with your friend is overly controlling.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> Ok so you’ve done the communication and compromise part. Some of the reply’s on your thread are complete bs because nobody leads the family and your not less of a man because you don’t do what you want when you want. “Man up” isn’t the issue here.


*Man up is absolutely the issue here.*
Man up, so his wife sees a man she can rely on
Man up so she sees and is comforted by her protector
Man up so she has a strong, dependable partner
Man up so she knows her child has a strong, upright example to learn from
Self respect and self worth are the appropriate expressions here, not endlessly negotiating every aspect of every day.

Oh, it's not fashionable to say these things, you get "nobody leads a family" and other such nonsense. Of course a man is a leader in a family, he's built for that. If anyone doubts that, take a look at marriages where a man has abdicated that responsibility (see the post above). Ask any woman if such a man is desirable?

Importantly, his wife has abdicated her responsibility as a loving partner, by creating an environment toxic to masculinity. You sure as hell don't cure that by trying to negotiate your way out of it.
He needs to assert himself and she needs to take responsibility in managing her fears and her controlling nature.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I don't know you, but my first reaction is that the problems are almost all on your wife. It's easy to say "man up" to someone who is living with a person with mental illness, and that's what you're doing. She needs individual counseling to deal with her paranoia. You may have to man up to persuade her to get help. If you approach your insistence from a position of love, you have a better chance of getting her to listen. Her life has to be miserable. 

My comments assume that you are telling us the whole story and that you haven't give her a reason not to trust you.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> I don't know you, but my first reaction is that the problems are almost all on your wife. It's easy to say "man up" to someone who is living with a person with mental illness, and that's what you're doing. She needs individual counseling to deal with her paranoia. You may have to man up to persuade her to get help. If you approach your insistence from a position of love, you have a better chance of getting her to listen. Her life has to be miserable.
> 
> My comments assume that you are telling us the whole story and that you haven't give her a reason not to trust you.


I agree with this, coming from someone who spent his whole married life with a person with mental issues. We are not dealing with a standard relationship here. Manning up won't solve anything. He needs to have a frank conversation with his wife.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sfort said:


> I don't know you, but my first reaction is that the problems are almost all on your wife. It's easy to say "man up" to someone who is living with a person with mental illness, and that's what you're doing. She needs individual counseling to deal with her paranoia. You may have to man up to persuade her to get help. If you approach your insistence from a position of love, you have a better chance of getting her to listen. Her life has to be miserable.


To "Man up" or take a position in a relationship as a leader, is to do exactly what you suggest above. Leading is not simply dominance, it is an expression of help and protection to those you cherish. And that's a much stronger position to be loving and helpful from. It's a better position for the OP to help his wife from. To man up means a lot of things, why people assign a negative quality to it is beyond me.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

speedgoat55 said:


> Been married for 5.5yrs, and have a 2yo boy.
> 
> My wife has always been restrictive about me being away from home, but since having our son she has gotten much worse, and now I am incredibly limited in having any freedom, and it's making me deeply unhappy.
> 
> ...


This is ridiculous, that you've even allowed all this to happen. I think it's time to start putting your foot down. She's a little much. If anything, after I had my kid, I became a better person, I had no jealousy whatsoever, my husband can do and go where he wants when he wants. Sometimes I beg him to go with friends, because HE chooses not to. So the fact that you just had a kid, is a moot excuse. Was she like this when you were dating?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> To man up means a lot of things, why people assign a negative quality to it is beyond me.


Your connotation is not necessarily the same as everyone else's connotation. If you want a word or phrase to have a meaning or interpretation other than what the conventional knowledge may be, it's best to define it, as you have done here. You're entitled to be your own lexicographer here so long as you clarify your definition.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Your connotation is not necessarily the same as everyone else's connotation. If you want a word or phrase to have a meaning or interpretation other than what the conventional knowledge may be, it's best to define it, as you have done here. You're entitled to be your own lexicographer here so long as you clarify your definition.


Semantics, semantics...


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Your connotation is not necessarily the same as everyone else's connotation. If you want a word or phrase to have a meaning or interpretation other than what the conventional knowledge may be, it's best to define it, as you have done here. You're entitled to be your own lexicographer here so long as you clarify your definition.


The conventional meaning of “man up” is not negative, it’s simply an expression of bravery or duty in the face of difficult circumstances. Thus, my comment.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Her anxiety is not for you to manage or assuage. 

And here is something crucial to understand: the more control you surrender, the more control she will seek, because no control is ever enough for the anxious. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Why is my Spider Sense going off in regards to the wife categorically refusing to allow this guy anywhere near his friend of 19 years? Not allowing the friend to come over, and not allowing the husband to see his friend when they are in the same town?

I don't think that has anything to do with worrying about this friend abducting the kid. I think it is something else. Theories:

1. Wife thinks the guys is a "player", and that the husband will go off with this dude and seek other women
2. Something happened between the wife and this friend of 19 years
3. Or could simply be that she views the guy as a sketchy loser (drugs? Alcohol?)

The controlling behavior, information control, etc. is highly suspicious to me


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

speedgoat55 said:


> Oh I absolutely have. In fact she's getting pissed because I've been bringing this up for years. I'm trying to get her to focus on the fact that maybe that means it's important to me!
> 
> The problem is she views any incremental thing as her compromise. Going for 2hrs is a compromise because she worries about me and therefore she's letting me do 2hrs that I wouldn't otherwise. The friend thing is a compromise because I can see him, but she'll be there too. When I say that's not enough, she says I insist on getting my way.


Stop asking her permission. 

That is how it starts. 


And make no mistake...it will get far worse before it gets better, because you have allowed her far too much power. Her first instinct to losing that power will likely be to flip her lid.

You are going to to have to become comfortable with discomfort in order to fix this.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Just because someone acts like a controlling witch it doesn’t make them mentally ill. It makes them a first class witch.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

WWWWWWWWWWWW
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Your wife has issues and you catering to them hasn’t done a damn thing to help.

Your wife needs therapy.

Not telling you to sink the boat, just rock it a little bit. If you don’t, she will be doing the same thing to your kid. That will not be a health childhood.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

speedgoat55 said:


> Fair enough. I do admit I am too nice and it has cost me in past relationships.
> 
> So how do I change things? Just do things that piss her off and hope for the best?


Since everything pisses her off, just do those things that you enjoy, and that NORMAL married men do.

Tell her, thank you, but, you are done being MOTHERED!

Then, stand your ground and ignore the oncoming flack.

After a while she will back off, or self destruct.
I doubt that she will do more than bark.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You’re a grown man, act like one. Who cares if she gets upset? Good lord. I’d tell you to get out of this but you’ll just end up back in the same place with someone else of you don’t grow a backbone and set boundaries for yourself. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Your wife's fears are not normal. They are not rational! 

A husband is not a child or a prisoner. 

You need the help of a good therapist and probably a good psychiatrist too. And you need to stop being scared of her. Be the boss of your life!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hmm. Just my peanuts tossed in the gallery.

Don't take your wife's fears and anxieties so seriously.

You need to be the man you are regardless of outside pressures and influences.

Your wife's anxiety and fear fall into the aforementioned category.

Maybe you need to understand that having a woman pissed at you is not necessarily a bad thing but maybe somewhat normal.

Take it for what it's worth but I butt heads with and piss off a lot of women. Probably most women at least once or twice in any lengthy relationship. It doesn't mean I don't like them or even love them and vice versa.

It just means I'm a man with my own direction and interests and I exist with my interests regardless of disapproval or opposition. The world can take it or leave it but I am who I am.

My mate has chosen me and everything that goes with that choice. 

Mrs. C does not understand or approve of everything I am but she loves, accepts and respects me as is.

We have been together nearing thirty years and we have had to work together through a lot, including accepting and working with our differences but denying who I am had to be rejected and don't think Mrs. Conan didn't screw up once or twice and try to have her way in that regard.

No one is perfect and we all have unhealthy impulses when it comes to our mates.

I won't go into them all and God knows I've had my own dip **** things to correct when it came to my wife but, as it pertains to this thread, you need to be you @speedgoat55 regardless of any anxiety or fear based need to control you that your wife is exhibiting.

You need to quit being afraid of your wife's emotional states and do what you know is right regardless. Believe it or not, she needs you to as well.

Nothing seems to make a fearful woman feel safe like her man NOT being tossed around on her emotional tide and still loving her reassuringly while he does what he needs to do.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't be so dismissive of her issues. She needs therapy, for sure, and the OP should encourage her. If she refuses, you know what to do, otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life like a prisoner. Believe me, I'm an expert...


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

This is not healthy for your wife, for you or the kids. Her anxiety worries will wear off on the children and affect them in the future. Encourage her for therapy. If she won't listen to you, do you know anyone trusting to you both, who could talk to her and encourage her? This will get worse if no change. Good luck.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Nothing seems to make a fearful woman feel safe like her man NOT being tossed around on her emotional tide and still loving her reassuringly while he does what he needs to do.


Nicely stated...


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Nothing seems to make a fearful woman feel safe like her man NOT being tossed around on her emotional tide and still loving her reassuringly while he does what he needs to do.


Conan, Conan... You're channeling jld. Please, stop.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Conan, Conan... You're channeling jld. Please, stop.


LoL! As much as I disagreed with some of her view points, I am very old school and traditional even though I can see and understand others.

I expect a grown ass woman to act like it and own her **** and that was a point of apparent disagreement between jld and I.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You should nip this in the bud and do what you want but just in case... Here are some ideas if you want a gentle approach:

Find something for her to do other than take care of your child while you’re gone. Get a nanny/sitter/etc... pay for a spa day for her. Encourage her to go out with her girlfriends if she has them.

Get her to do an auto cross with you. My wife loves auto cross. Often much lower travel restrictions and even time restrictions.

Get her a mountain bike.

Take them to the mountain for snowboarding and rent a room at the lodge. Skip out for lunch and meet at the bar outside (often I drink too much and just call it for the day).

Take them with you to a cars and coffee if you’re in a major city area. Wham, bam, and you’re out.

Join regional car clubs for any make you like. Go to the social events with your whole family.


----------



## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

She doesn't let you have a beer? Don't u think there's reason? I tell him to stop drink alcohol because he has alcohol issues.


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> *Man up is absolutely the issue here.*
> Man up, so his wife sees a man she can rely on
> Man up so she sees and is comforted by her protector
> Man up so she has a strong, dependable partner
> ...


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> I don’t see where a strong dependable man is at issue. So because he doesn’t act like he’s invincible and does as he pleases he is less of a man?is she not protected because she has some anxiety and maybe a mental issue at hand? Is he less of a man because of that? Is he unreliable? I guess I missed all those points.
> basically do what you want, when you want, how you want and your wife will be so happy that she has such a strong, reliable protector...she will just desire you in all the ways you deserve because you’re a “man”.


Clearly you didn't read my posts. 

_"Leading is not simply dominance, it is an expression of help and protection to those you cherish. And that's a much stronger position to be loving and helpful from. It's a better position for the OP to help his wife from. To man up means a lot of things, why people assign a negative quality to it is beyond me."_

You also edited out the last part of the my comments you quoted above:

_"Importantly, his wife has abdicated her responsibility as a loving partner, by creating an environment toxic to masculinity. You sure as hell don't cure that by trying to negotiate your way out of it. He needs to assert himself and she needs to take responsibility in managing her fears and her controlling nature."_

Context is important...


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Clearly you didn't read my posts.
> 
> _"Leading is not simply dominance, it is an expression of help and protection to those you cherish. And that's a much stronger position to be loving and helpful from. It's a better position for the OP to help his wife from. To man up means a lot of things, why people assign a negative quality to it is beyond me."_
> 
> ...


You have a wife who has irrational fears and problem needs professional help. You have a wife who is controlling and maybe has some trust issues (putting a time frame on outings) and the response you gave was “man up” because he doesn’t do what he wants because of these things. Do you often tell women who are in this same predicament to “man up”?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> You have a wife who has irrational fears and problem needs professional help. You have a wife who is controlling and maybe has some trust issues (putting a time frame on outings) and the response you gave was “man up” because he doesn’t do what he wants because of these things. Do you often tell women who are in this same predicament to “man up”?


I somehow doubt he tells women to man up. LoL!

Did you just really ask that?😆


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> You have a wife who has irrational fears and problem needs professional help. You have a wife who is controlling and maybe has some trust issues (putting a time frame on outings) and the response you gave was “man up” because he doesn’t do what he wants because of these things. Do you often tell women who are in this same predicament to “man up”?


I wonder in what planet you're living in, because what you said it makes no sense at all, unless you would consider that men must acquiesce at all. There are situations were civility, compasion, and gentle probing helps. In the OP case what he needs to do is to MAN UP already for god's sake.


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I somehow doubt he tells women to man up. LoL!
> 
> Did you just really ask that?😆


So between the same situation and flipping the gender role, you would say what to a woman than?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> So between the same situation and flipping the gender role, you would say what to a woman than?


I think it’s more inclusive to use gender neutral language like “person up” or “suck it up” but I’m more fond of ones like “put your big girl panties on”.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> So between the same situation and flipping the gender role, you would say what to a woman than?


Just wait, it probably won't be too long, for a woman poster with a controlling or irrational husband and you will see.

We have both been on this forum a long time and I have posted thousands of times with many posts on a woman's thread.


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> I wonder in what planet you're living in, because what you said it makes no sense at all, unless you would consider that men must acquiesce at all. There are situations were civility, compasion, and gentle probing helps. In the OP case what he needs to do is to MAN UP already for god's sake.


🤣🤣 right, what I said makes no sense but your logic is flawless. So flip the gender roles and your advise would be what exactly?


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think it’s more inclusive to use gender neutral language like “person up” or “suck it up” but I’m more fond of ones like “put your big girl panties on”.


🤣 you probably wouldn’t but that’s cool. 


ConanHub said:


> Just wait, it probably won't be too long, for a woman poster with a controlling or irrational husband and you will see.
> 
> We have both been on this forum a long time and I have posted thousands of times with many posts on a woman's thread.


I’m new to the area, I don’t know what you’ve said or where you’ve said it. There may already be a post somewhere on here.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> 🤣 you probably wouldn’t but that’s cool.


I wouldn’t? I have told women plenty of times to put their big girl panties on. I wouldn’t at work though.


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I wouldn’t? I have told women plenty of times to put their big girl panties on. I wouldn’t at work though.


I am not saying you wouldn't say it, I am saying under this particular circumstance I don't believe you would. At work is where I would say it the most, but thats just me.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> I’m new to the area, I don’t know what you’ve said or where you’ve said it. There may already be a post somewhere on here.


It's always a good idea to spend a lot of time reading through old posts to get a sense of the culture of the site. I've been here a couple of years, and I still more time reading old posts than new posts. There's a wealth of information (and entertainment) here.


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

Sfort said:


> It's always a good idea to spend a lot of time reading through old posts to get a sense of the culture of the site. I've been here a couple of years, and I still more time reading old posts than new posts. There's a wealth of information (and entertainment) here.


I don't doubt that at all.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> I am not saying you wouldn't say it, I am saying under this particular circumstance I don't believe you would. At work is where I would say it the most, but thats just me.


Ah no I wouldn’t. I suggested back up there chipping away at her gradually by trying to include his wife and making some free time for her not blasting her with a “sorry I’m doing this”.

That’s because I am older. When I was younger like he probably is I just did whatever I wanted whether my wife liked it or not...and I ended up on this website.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> 🤣 you probably wouldn’t but that’s cool.
> 
> I’m new to the area, I don’t know what you’ve said or where you’ve said it. There may already be a post somewhere on here.


You can look up threads by topic and keep a look out. We are jacking this thread a bit even though I don't know if the OP cares.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> You have a wife who has irrational fears and problem needs professional help. You have a wife who is controlling and maybe has some trust issues (putting a time frame on outings) and the response you gave was “man up” because he doesn’t do what he wants because of these things. Do you often tell women who are in this same predicament to “man up”?


Dude, if you're looking for an argument, at least read the posts, it's all there...

Do I tell women to "man up?" No.
Do I tell men to "man up" as a means to face and deal with difficult situations? Yes.
Do I tell men to "man up" as a means to be more useful to the ones they love? Yes.
Do I tell men to "man up" as an expression of that love and to better serve the ones they love? Yes. 

But I've said all that in a thread that's only three pages long. You keep wanting me to mean what you want me to mean rather than what I'm actually saying...can't help ya there...


----------



## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Dude, if you're looking for an argument, at least read the posts, it's all there...
> 
> Do I tell women to "man up?" No.
> Do I tell men to "man up" as a means to face and deal with difficult situations? Yes.
> ...


Here is what I know. I know I gave my opinion on the situation and you didn't agree with my opinion. No, I am not looking to argue, but I don't see how me disagreeing with your opinion would be any different than you disagreeing with mine?

I don't need you to "mean" what I want you to "mean". I also don't really think you're understanding my perspective either, which is cool because my advise wasn't to you.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

OP, you need to grow a set. Be a damm man!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> You have a wife who has irrational fears and problem needs professional help. You have a wife who is controlling and maybe has some trust issues (putting a time frame on outings) and the response you gave was “man up” because he doesn’t do what he wants because of these things. Do you often tell women who are in this same predicament to “man up”?


Pretty much. People get in these situations because they allow it to happen. If you change nothing, nothing changes. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> OP, you need to grow a set. Be a damm man!



She's not your wife, she's your mother.

That's on you.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> 🤣🤣 right, what I said makes no sense but your logic is flawless. So flip the gender roles and your advise would be what exactly?


I would and I do say the same thing. The OP issue is one that both males and females have, regardless of the sex if you're a pushover you need to get your **** together and have the courage to confront and put boundaries in place.
Having said that you're coming across as some type of beta male with an agenda, or are you a female? Because you're coming through as one. So speak up plainly and upfront, rather than your poking innuendos.


----------



## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

My wife has these worries too, OP, but she also has bipolar. I have ensured she is treated for her condition. I have never let her fears dictate my life or hobbies. I do my hobbies while acknowledging her.

Like the OP, I’m a car person and active at meets. I insist on going to them. She doesn’t want to go, so she stays at home. She can text me while at the events, but I don’t leave until I’m ready. She understands this is my outlet and over the years, has been more able to respect that.

I make sure to give her her share of “us time” even though we also have a kid.

In short, OP, grow some balls. If your wife is that anxious, get her treated.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is she under the care of a doctor? Does she take drugs, prescribed or otherwise?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Is she under the care of a doctor? Does she take drugs, prescribed or otherwise?


Sadly, when patience and kindness, works not a damn, a dram, or a multiple mole, or twenty grams of medicine is that last resort.

The mind must heal itself, or be forcibly healed by prescribed potions.
We are this electro-chemical being.

Things that are odd mixtures find themselves, often awry, and needing re-balance.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Looks like Speedgoat55 has flown the coop. Guess he didn't get the soft shoulder to cry on that he was looking for.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Whatsmyproblem said:


> 🤣🤣 right, what I said makes no sense but your logic is flawless. So flip the gender roles and your advise would be what exactly?


You can’t just flip the gender roles. 
And trying to discuss “what would your advice be if the gender roles were flipped“ is completely irrelevant.
Because men and women are different.


----------



## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

x


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> You can’t just flip the gender roles.
> And trying to discuss “what would your advice be if the gender roles were flipped“ is completely irrelevant.
> Because men and women are different.


Men and women aren't _that_ different. And, yes, if a woman was here complaining that her husband wasn't "letting" her do things because of clearly irrational fears and a controlling nature, I'd tell her to go get some therapy so she could learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries for herself. Because nothing in her life would change if she wasn't willing to do the things it takes to create change for herself. 

Which is essentially what "man up" means. It means take control of the only thing you can control - you - and learn to set boundaries and enforce them. If you're actually in danger from your spouse, get out. If you're holding your own boundaries in a healthy way and your spouse is just a miserable human to live with, get out. If you're not in danger but you also just don't have any boundaries, maybe try working on yourself for a bit to see if becoming a healthy, whole, integrated, person with good boundaries creates improvements in your life that trigger improvements in your relationship. If that fails because your spouse just isn't willing to budge, then you're back to scenario two above, so get out.

Most people will treat you how you allow them to. That's just human nature. But as a functioning adult, you have the autonomy and responsibility, to be in charge of yourself. That means having healthy boundaries, clearly communicated, and enforced in healthy ways. It means being in charge of yourself, rather than letting someone else be in charge of you. It means knowing that your situation is largely a result of your choices, and that if you don't like it you can and should make different choices. That all holds true whether you're a man or a woman. 

So, yes, put on your big girl panties and man up!


----------

