# am i over reacting?



## mumzyesska (Apr 27, 2012)

ok so i met a new friend about a month or so ago, i intruduced her to my husband and they hit it of straight away. she is really into dude things, like tattoos, cars, guitar, play station you know what guys like. anyway one night we got drunk and she kept repeating that if i passed out that she would **** my husband... anyway i did pass out, but nothing happened apparently... anyway the next morning she said that she was so sorry for what happened and what she said so i just ignored the night. anyway, she comes around ALL the time, and loves hanging out with my husband, watches movies all that stuff. I told my husband that i didnt want them to be a lone, and he got upset that i didnt trust him bla bla bla... anyway last night she came around wanting us to go to the avengers, and i couldnt go cos we didnt have a baby sitter, i told my dh that i didnt want him going to the movies with another chick.. and he went nuts at me he ended up going to the movie, and i did aswell in the end after they had left. anyway when we got home and got into bed he went nuts at me.. he asked me what my problem is i told him i dont want him spending time with her alone and he just doesnt understand why. he says he wouldnt care if i had a close guy friend that i like to do things with, like going to the movies ect... but argh!!! am i over reacting with this situation of me not wanting them spending time together a lone??


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## mumzyesska (Apr 27, 2012)

no advice at all??


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

I had the same situation. I found out all of a sudden my hubby had a new female "bestfriend" this is a woman who's name I never heard of before. I wasn't comfortable with that of course. I spied on him online saw that he and her had an affair. Made them stop talking. But this girl is your friend too right? I wouldn't be comfortable with any of my girl friends hanging with my husband. Make it stop.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Your husband should listen to your concerns instead of saying "what's up with you".
He's acting very childish when going to the movies with her even-though you told him you wouldn't like it. He's being selfish, really.

He should pay attention to what you're saying and it's better to keep this girl away from him.

You are not overreacting.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

mumzyesska said:


> no advice at all??


Sorry, there is just a big time difference for some of the active members here.

Simply put, my wife and I have more or less always had an agreement that we would distance ourselves from friends who even joked about sex with one of us, so I believe that you have every right to hold your ground here. I also think that his comment about letting you have close male friends was just as likely in response to this situation, but he might feel completely different about it if this friend never came into your life. Maybe you could ask him if he would really be okay with you being alone with a man who already said that he would "cross the line" with you the moment you two were alone??


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't a question of trust. It's a matter of protecting something you find valuable and dear. You wouldn't leave a precious, irrreplaceable possession just lying around and you wouldn't entrust it in just anyone's care. She's obviously attracted to your husband. He's a guy, so he's more than likely attracted in some degree to whole lots of women. You'd be an idiot to not want some reasonable boundaries established. Besides, if he says he wouldn't care if you went to the movies alone with another guy who had just expressed his intention of nailing you, then your husband is lying, naive, or just doesn't care. Incidently, one of the best ways to keep bad things from happening to your marriage is to quit drinking long before anyone passes out. An awfully lot of adultary stories start out with "well, we were all drinking and.."


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

In no way are you overreacting!!!

If any "mutual" friend of my husaband and I made a comment such as she did that would be the last she would ever share our company.

Your husband should put you and your feelings before any friend - male or female. I am a staunch believer in the vow we took to forsake all others.

The way your husband acted towards you when you told him how you feel about the situation is sad and gives me the impression he is a very selfish person.

Maybe try talking to him again when he's calm and see if you get anywhere with him then. Or maybe even talk with the girl herself and let her know how she is putting a wedge between you and your husband - if she's a true friend she'll understand and back off, if she's not -just be careful...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He's prioritizing her over you. I suspect they are cheating. You should try together some evidence to confirm this and then take steps to change things. Try posting this in the CWI forum.


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## Valley (Apr 24, 2012)

To me you have no business being buddy buddy with the opposite sex if you are in a committed relationship. Shame on your husband for getting upset. To me that says he is interested in this girl. 

You need to stand your ground and not allow them to hang out without you around.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

The easiest way to ruin trust is by carrying on with someone of the opposite sex without your significant other being around. Not acceptable. If your husband really loves you, he should respect the fact that, given the nature of this OW conversations with you, drunk or not, you don't feel comfortable with them being alone together. It isn't an issue of not trusting him, as much as he needs to respect you as his spouse. What do you think when you see a man and a woman together at the movies? Or out at dinner? Or out for a walk? I can tell you what I think, and it's not just plutonic.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

You are not over reacting. You are under reacting. Your husband is wrong, but has learned that a good offense is the best defense, and has you off balance and doubting common sense because of it.

When a new friend comes into your life and tells you when she is drunk that she want to F__k your husband and will do so when given the chance, that friendship ends. As for your husband, he went on a date to a movie with this woman even though you asked him not to do so and he has the nerve to get mad? As for the new friend, she showed her true colors by going to the movie with your husband when she knew that you did not want him to go. As a real friend she would have said she was not going to go to the movies since she did not want to be a cause of issues between you and your husband. She proved that she is not a friend to you or a friend of your marraige.

Tell your new friend that she not welcome in your home and to leave your husband alone. Tell your husband that she is not welcome in your home, that he is to go full no contact with a women that has told you that she wants to f__k him if she gets the chance, and that he is not allowed to date her or any other women as long as he is married. If he has an issue with that, tell him that you would like him to schedule a meeting for the two of you with a marraige consular (MC) of his choice, so that the MC can explain to him what is wrong and what marriage is all about.

Again you under reacted. It is time to react. It is time for you to go on the offense because you are without a doubt in the right and he is without a doubt in the wrong. Do not back down. If he gets angry, you get even angrier. In fact you should start out angry just to keep him off balance.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are not overreacting.

He is entirely wrong and he's disrespecting you. Married men don't go on dates, and that is what he did.

I understand that you don't want to draw a line in the sand if all he did was go to the movies. But he is like a toddler--he's testing the boundaries of the marriage to see how much of that you're willing to give away. You know the drill: if you let the toddler get away with it, they're going to push the boundary out just a little farther. How about an after movie drink? How about shutting down the bar at 2 a.m.? How about not coming home until the morning? 

He may or may not be cheating. I will tell you that cheaters work overtime trying to make their spouses think THEY are the ones with the problem. That is their typical modus operandi. If you continue to see any more of that, then my alarm bells would be going off.

The one inadvertent funny you mentioned was that he wouldn't mind if you had a close guy friend who did the same. TRUST ME that this is one of the biggest, fattest, most enormous lies he has ever told. (I would not go out with a guy friend so he can get a taste of his own medicine--that is just immature.) But these words also bother me a great deal, it is red herring argument that is trying to deflect your legitimate unhappiness and disappointment in him.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

no you aren't overreacting, she's clearly after him and he should respect you by kicking her sorry ass to the kerb


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i agree with everything said above.

dont rule out that she didnt fvck him that night, and more.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're not overracting.

Tell your hubs you expect him to spend alone chick time with YOU. And only you.

If He can't stand up to his end of the marriage vows... then... there's the door dude.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Oh, I like that valuable possession analogy. Here's another.

You wouldn't leave your best bottle of unopened scotch laying next to a ragging alcholic...And you would get offended if you put the scotch away & they got all pissed off because they couldn't sit & stare at it and admire it and drool all over it.... and then they'd yell at you because they can't stare at the scotch. They'd probably say "Hey, why don't you trust me??? Can't you see the bottle isn't opened yet?" 

(Yet being the key factor there).


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> (Yet being the key factor there).


maybe...
or not


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Your husband is disrespecting you and trying to make you like it by turning the ridiculously illogical completely upside down into something he is trying to make you believe is logical. He wants to be with her and then claim "but honey I didn't mean for that to happen" later on. The truth is, anyone - men and women - would have to force themselves to ward off someone like her. We like attention, and she gives him so much of that. He wants her very badly, but of course he will never admit to it. He wants to argue you down so the two of them are able to have their opportunity.

So, what can you do about it? 

You could leave to show him you are not going to allow him to walk all over you the way he is doing. Alas, I know you are not going to leave, or you wouldn't be posting here questioning what you know is right. You'd just as soon let him walk over you and cry about it than walk out the door.

You can keep whining and beg him politely not to spend time with her anymore, but he'll just go nuts again and make you look ridiculous for asking him something you should never have to ask of your husband. He will keep justifying SEEING and spending so much time with another woman by calling it "friendship" and "innocent" and "harmless."

Personally, I would have packed his crap and had all his belongings in the driveway when they returned from the movies, with the door locks already changed.

But, since you didn't do that and are not even going to leave or make him leave, then I think you should at least give him a taste of his own medicine. There is nothing immature about calling his bluff to make him see how this feels. After all, he extended you an open invitation to do it, so why not? He lied through his teeth because he wants so desperately to be with this so-called friend of yours (who has actually turned out to be his friend, so you have no business calling her your friend), and he doesn't think you would actually take him up on his offer. So do it. Spend a lot of time with a male friend. Go out to dinner, go to the movies, cook dinner at your house together, watch videos together, play games together, even if you have to pay for the activities. Tell the guy what is up so he is in on the plan. See what happens. If you think your husband went nuts over you expressing your feelings, he is going to hit the roof when you do what he does. He will see how it feels, and he won't like it one bit. Do something to take a stand on this issue. Don't just sit there while they create opportunity to do what they want to do and p*ss all over you. You cannot MAKE him stop seeing her, but you certainly can stop being his doormat.


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## profos (Apr 19, 2012)

mumzyesska said:


> one night we got drunk.. i did pass out .. i couldnt go cos we didnt have a baby sitter


You have young children at home? I assume you do since you couldn't go to the movies since you had no babysitter.

Then what the heck are you doing drinking to the point of being so drunk you go and pass out?

That's very irresponsible parenting.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not over reacting,

He ditched you at home to on a date with her. Maybe platonic, but a date, and one that he chose to go on even though you has told him your discomfort with it.mmhe selfishly blew you off and went anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If something truly bothers my wife, that's reason enough for me to make reasonable accomodations. This is true whether we're talking about relationships with other people, working late without giving a courtesy call, or whatever. His wife's feelings should matter enough to him that he would avoid unnecessary actions that cause her distress. A partner who puts their own desires ahead of their partner's needs isn't much of a partner.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If something truly bothers my wife, that's reason enough for me to make reasonable accomodations. This is true whether we're talking about relationships with other people, working late without giving a courtesy call, or whatever. His wife's feelings should matter enough to him that he would avoid unnecessary actions that cause her distress. A partner who puts their own desires ahead of their partner's needs isn't much of a partner.


Agreed^^^


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

It's disrespectful and hurtful for a man to pick another woman over his wife, period.
You have every right to demand and end to her relationship with both of you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mumzyesska said:


> last night she came around wanting us to go to the avengers, and i couldnt go cos we didnt have a baby sitter, i told my dh that i didnt want him going to the movies with another chick.. and he went nuts at me he ended up going to the movie, and i did aswell in the end after they had left.


 Why is it that when you and your husband could not get a babysitter, she took your husband and not you to the movie?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

TRy said:


> Why is it that when you and your husband could not get a babysitter, she took your husband and not you to the movie?


because she is not fvcking the wife


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## mumzyesska (Apr 27, 2012)

profos said:


> You have young children at home? I assume you do since you couldn't go to the movies since you had no babysitter.
> 
> Then what the heck are you doing drinking to the point of being so drunk you go and pass out?
> 
> That's very irresponsible parenting.


just so you know my kids werent actually at home they were with their grand parents... and another thing i never really drink its the first time i have got drunk since 2004 on my 18th birthday so I think i deserved a night for myself.....


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## mumzyesska (Apr 27, 2012)

and thank you to every one else for responding to my post, ill be having a good chat to my husband and suggest marriage counciling. but i can tell you if he does this again, like going to the movies, going for a drive or even having her over when i am at uni i will be going right off!!!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

mumzyesska said:


> and thank you to every one else for responding to my post, ill be having a good chat to my husband and suggest marriage counciling. but i can tell you if he does this again, like going to the movies, going for a drive or even having her over when i am at uni i will be going right off!!!


i think you really need to stop ALL contact. between her and him, as well as with you.
why do you want to continue having a friendship with a woman who is so obviously after your man?
why would you continue having her around him, even if you are there?
you dont think at some point they will still sneak off? that is if they havent already?

youre playing with fire.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think you really need to stop ALL contact. between her and him, as well as with you.
> why do you want to continue having a friendship with a woman who is so obviously after your man?
> why would you continue having her around him, even if you are there?
> you dont think at some point they will still sneak off? that is if they havent already?
> ...


Yep. The madder he is over this, the more it's about him wanting to have fun in a way that is very hurtful to you, at your expense.

I'd have a wider conversation, via counseling, about what marriage means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

My wife had a single male "best friend", she said the same things and would get angry when I told her I wasn't comfortable with her hanging out with him, guess what happened there.

Please listen to the advice and stop this before it goes to far. If you're not comfortable with a situation, he should be more than willing to end it right away.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mumzyesska said:


> and thank you to every one else for responding to my post, ill be having a good chat to my husband and suggest marriage counciling. but i can tell you if he does this again, like going to the movies, going for a drive or even having her over when i am at uni i will be going right off!!!


 You are still under reacting. You are way past the point of trying to apply boundaries where she can still remain in your life. She needs be be out of both of your lives. You need to demand that your husband have full no contact with the other woman starting now. No if ad or buts about it. 

You should tell your husband that since you have both only known her 1 month, ending all contact with her should be no big deal unless their is something going on between them. Tell him the more that he argues about this the more that he is proving that he is up to no good with her. Also tell him that you are tired of being made to feel the odd person out in your own marraige, and that she has proven to not be a friend to you or to your marraige. Finally, tell him that there cannot be 3 people in a marraige. Good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mumzyesska said:


> ok so i met a new friend about a month or so ago, i intruduced her to my husband and they hit it of straight away. she is really into dude things, like tattoos, cars, guitar, play station you know what guys like. anyway one night we got drunk and she kept repeating that if i passed out that she would **** my husband... anyway i did pass out, but nothing happened apparently... anyway the next morning she said that she was so sorry for what happened and what she said so i just ignored the night. anyway, she comes around ALL the time, and loves hanging out with my husband, watches movies all that stuff. I told my husband that i didnt want them to be a lone, and he got upset that i didnt trust him bla bla bla... anyway last night she came around wanting us to go to the avengers, and i couldnt go cos we didnt have a baby sitter, i told my dh that i didnt want him going to the movies with another chick.. and he went nuts at me he ended up going to the movie, and i did aswell in the end after they had left. anyway when we got home and got into bed he went nuts at me.. he asked me what my problem is i told him i dont want him spending time with her alone and he just doesnt understand why. he says he wouldnt care if i had a close guy friend that i like to do things with, like going to the movies ect... but argh!!! am i over reacting with this situation of me not wanting them spending time together a lone??


HELL NO, you're not overreacting! But you might be putting your husband in an awkward situation. This woman is *your* friend. Before you ask your husband to uphold your boundaries, you should show him that you will uphold them, too. 

If I was in your shoes, I'd be very clear to this woman that you believe it's inappropriate for married men to spend time with a single woman if their wives are not present. Ask her to respect your boundaries on the matter, and the very first time she doesn't respect that boundary, end the friendship. 

I'd also be letting my husband in on that boundary, and asking him to support me in upholding it. That way, it doesn't put 100% of the burden on him. If he gets mad, I'd inform him that I fully expect my husband to put our relationship needs ahead of his own short-term wants.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

...hm....she says she is going to eff your H if you pass out...she'd have been on her way out the front door (or bay window) so fricken fast she wouldn't have known what hit her. I'm a little crazy that way, though.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> ...hm....she says she is going to eff your H if you pass out...she'd have been on her way out the front door (or bay window) so fricken fast she wouldn't have known what hit her. I'm a little crazy that way, though.


:iagree: Same here... My friends KNOW not to hit on my hubby... they KNOW it's highly inappropriate... and they know I'm a stone cold territorial B when it comes to my hubby. Yes I do have a few single female friends... and they all respect me and my husbands marriage... Tomboy girl there.... doesn't seem to have that respect and husband seems not to either....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Gosh, my best friend once hit on an ex boyfriend of mine right in front of me (just stupidity, but still, he was lapping it up to make me jealous), Anyways, we really fell out over it.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

mumzyesska said:


> ok so i met a new friend about a month or so ago, i intruduced her to my husband and they hit it of straight away. she is really into dude things, like tattoos, cars, guitar, play station you know what guys like. anyway one night we got drunk and she kept repeating that if i passed out that she would **** my husband... anyway i did pass out, but nothing happened apparently... anyway the next morning she said that she was so sorry for what happened and what she said so i just ignored the night. anyway, she comes around ALL the time, and loves hanging out with my husband, watches movies all that stuff. I told my husband that i didnt want them to be a lone, and he got upset that i didnt trust him bla bla bla... anyway last night she came around wanting us to go to the avengers, and i couldnt go cos we didnt have a baby sitter, i told my dh that i didnt want him going to the movies with another chick.. and he went nuts at me he ended up going to the movie, and i did aswell in the end after they had left. anyway when we got home and got into bed he went nuts at me.. he asked me what my problem is i told him i dont want him spending time with her alone and he just doesnt understand why. he says he wouldnt care if i had a close guy friend that i like to do things with, like going to the movies ect... but argh!!! am i over reacting with this situation of me not wanting them spending time together a lone??


My hunch is that the *manner* in which you are communicating this isn't being well received by your husband. It's possible he has certain sensitivities and he feels defensive when you "attack" in this area. My guess is you could express the exact same thing without him "going nuts at you." 

In general, I think there are some deeper communication patterns you might want to think about. Obviously, if something makes you uncomfortable, you need to express that to someone who cares for you and protects you...and if you do, and that person lashes out, well, what does that say?

A: You didn't express it well 
B: He has some issue he's projecting on to you
C: He doesn't really have your back

It's almost never C.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't blame you... A friend that thinks they need to hit on your significant other.... is no friend at all imo.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Gaia said:


> I don't blame you... A friend that thinks they need to hit on your significant other.... is no friend at all imo.


thing is, they arent really worried about being YOUR friend any more.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

:iagree: So true....


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

mumzyesska said:


> ok so i met a new friend about a month or so ago, i intruduced her to my husband and they hit it of straight away. she is really into dude things, like tattoos, cars, guitar, play station you know what guys like. anyway one night we got drunk and she kept repeating that if i passed out that she would **** my husband... anyway i did pass out, but nothing happened apparently... anyway the next morning she said that she was so sorry for what happened and what she said so i just ignored the night. anyway, she comes around ALL the time, and loves hanging out with my husband, watches movies all that stuff. I told my husband that i didnt want them to be a lone, and he got upset that i didnt trust him bla bla bla... anyway last night she came around wanting us to go to the avengers, and i couldnt go cos we didnt have a baby sitter, i told my dh that i didnt want him going to the movies with another chick.. and he went nuts at me he ended up going to the movie, and i did aswell in the end after they had left. anyway when we got home and got into bed he went nuts at me.. he asked me what my problem is i told him i dont want him spending time with her alone and he just doesnt understand why. he says he wouldnt care if i had a close guy friend that i like to do things with, like going to the movies ect... but argh!!! am i over reacting with this situation of me not wanting them spending time together a lone??


Do it, find a man to go to the movies with you and do not even bother inviting your husband. Even if you let this man in on the whole scenario. Sometimes, it seems that the only way to get the man to "understand" is if you do it right back to them.


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