# If this were you how would you handle this situation?



## BruceBanner

*DISCLAIMER: This is not from me. This is from another person on Reddit.*



> I'm not new to reddit. This is a throw away account for obvious reasons. I usually use reddit to talk about grilling/smoking/bbq, football, and electric guitars and amps. I'm a 54yo man with a 54yo wife who I've been married to for 33 years. We have three adult children. Daughters 29 and 26 and a son 22.
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> My wife and I have had a very normal loving marriage for 33 years (actually 33 as of next month). Sure we've had ups and downs over the years like any long-term relationship but we don't go to bed mad and we're each other's best friends. I'm a hopeless romantic. She's less mushy about romance but loves when I make romantic gestures and I do all the time. Love letters/texts/emails. Surprise date nights to do something fun (last one recently was a couple's cooking class and we had a blast). Sex every week usually Saturday and Sunday. Happy home. No complaints at all from either of us.
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> Quick background on me. I had a single mom and do not know my biological father. My mother kept every detail of him a secret and took that secret to the grave with her. My wife and our children have always wondered about that. This year for my birthday one of my children bought me a DNA test from Ancestry. They said we could maybe discover something about my biological father. Before I took it all the kids decided they wanted to take one too since they're bloodline also comes from my unknown father.
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> When we got our test results they were bizarre to say the least. I'm sure some of you have guessed but my oldest two children are not mine. We each got our results separately but the kids had been talking among themselves before they shared with us so they asked if we could do a family dinner at our house and they all came over. Dinner was fine but they wanted to talk to us about something.
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> Then the bombshell. They said they compared results and that the oldest two children are not my kids. The youngest is. They asked if we had anything to tell them. I said of course not, there has to be a mistake. I looked over at my wife and knew in an instant there was no mistake. She had a look of terror on her face like I've never seen before. At once this calm level-headed wonderful woman I've been married to for 33 years screamed out some kind of gibberish then ran for the bedroom and locked the door.
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> We all tried to get her to come out but to no avail. We're all freaking out at this point. She immediately texts our phones and asks that we all leave her alone for a couple hours to compose herself and then reconvene at the table and she'll join us. We did as she requested but I'll tell you what, that 2 hours felt like a lifetime and my brain was on overload as to what the hell was going on. I still figured this had to be some kind of mistake. Of course the girls were mine. Whose else would they be? My wife and I weren't partiers or swingers. We're Disney channel people, not Cinemax.
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> She comes out at about the 2 hour mark and asks the kids if they could please go and that she needed to talk to me alone and that she'd be sure to let them know what's going on as soon as she can. They protested vehemently but respected her request and left saying they'll be back if they don't hear something soon. I'm sitting there just blown away at this point like this isn't real. Like I'm watching a movie except that I'm in the movie.
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> She then tells me something that has caused permanent change in me. I hope not permanent but it feels permanent. She looks me straight in the eyes and says _____(my name), I had an affair many years ago. It was with ______ (one of our neighbors and friends from the same social circle at the time). It went on for about 4 years until I wised up and realized what a wonderful husband I had and that I needed to grow up and stop acting stupid. Then she put her hands on my cheeks to pull me in and still looking in my eyes said "you are my everything. I am your girl for life. I love you with all my heart. I did a very stupid and selfish thing many years ago. You did nothing wrong. You've been the best husband any woman could ever ask for and I hope we try to put this in perspective and recognize what a wonderful life we've had together and that we don't want this stupid, hurtful, mistake to ruin it." She then said she'd do whatever I wanted, answer any question, leave if I ask, but kept assuring me that I'm her everything and that once she realized how stupid she was being she's never even once thought about cheating on me for a second since it ended.
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> The man she cheated with is no longer alive. They didn't love each other but had convinced themselves that this sexual outlet from their marriages made them better spouses.
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> -What devastates me is that my daughters are not my biological children. They are also devastated. They want to know details about this man since he's their real father and that also kills me. They both assure me that I'm their father and they love me with all their hearts but we all know I'm not their father. The other man was. It's also worth noting that until this DNA test, my wife also never knew for sure.
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> -What devastates me is that the woman I held in the highest regard as far as love, respect, esteem, etc. carried on an affair for years. The woman that has loved me and honored me for decades also betrayed me.
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> -What devastates me is the question, was my whole adult life to this point a lie? Was my entire marriage a lie? Is nothing real in this world? She has been an amazing wife and partner. I've had ZERO complaints my entire marriage, even when she was cheating.
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> -What devastates me is this man died a few years ago of cancer and that I can't go talk to him man to man and possibly punch his lights out.
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> -What devastates me is that I was her first and only (I had only 1 previous teenage awkward quickie in the back seat of a car with a former girlfriend before my wife but that was it for me). Now I find out she was having regular sex with this man for years. How can I get over that?
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> This all happened pretty recently. Next month is our 33rd anniversary and I just don't know what to do. I asked her to leave and she has been staying with her sister and her husband. She is absolutely devastated. So am I.
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> Everyone I've talked with about this says that I've had an amazing life with my wife, she's a great wife and mother, she made a horrible mistake when she was very young, and to not let this ruin us. I get that over and over and logically I know that's all true but my heart right now is not being logical.
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> I was really happy with my life. I loved my wife and children with all my heart. Can I ever get back to that state or has this revelation permanently altered the course of my life? I'm absolutely lost right now and honestly wish I was dead. I'm very seriously considering taking care of that. If I can't forgive her and forget this then I'm going to kill myself. I have no interest in living a different life then what we've had. I'm not that fond of the world anyway except for my family.
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> Thanks for reading.
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> 9/18/18 UPDATE: Thank you all for the support. It's so much to read and absorb. I'm still numb and in shock. I'm going to take some time for that to wear off before I consider my future. I've talked to my sister-in-law and she said my wife is a blubbering mess. Telling her she always knew this was going to come back to haunt her and that she had tried so hard over the years to make up for what she had done. They're trying to get her to go to a shrink, the same as my friends and family are trying to do for me. I haven't decided to stay in this world or not. I'm still thinking on it. I have no fear of dying, I've had a great life to this point. I have zero interest in any other life. A new life, a changed life, whatever. That doesn't appeal to me. I have to figure out if there is a path back to the life I had built with my wife and family. If there is, I'll stay. If not, I won't. Thank you again to everyone who took their own personal time to respond. I have read and thought about each and every response and will continue to do so. It's nice to think that the world is so cruel that a bunch of strangers wouldn't try to help someone they've never met. I'll post another update in the future. Thank you all again.


Source

Here is part 2.


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## Tatsuhiko

It's hard to put myself in that situation. I think my inclination would be to file for divorce immediately and start living. But having read this forum enough, I know that sometimes when you're presented with the reality of it, 33 years of marriage, you might end up feeling very differently. The level of deception is profound. She knew all along that the kids might not be his.


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## personofinterest

I literally started crying halfway through this post for this man. And for HIS children (yes, they are his because he raised them their whole lives. Full stop.). What a...horrible thing for her to do. FOUR YEARS???? Ugh, I won't even say what I think of her. Sure, it's easy for her to be all Lifetime movie about it now....

As far as him? Well, he doesn't sound like the kind of cad who is going to disown the grown daughters he raised - good for him. However, he should feel NO shame if he decides he's done with this wife. And honestly, as far as the kids go, I wouldn't blame them if they were done with her too. She lied to ALL of them, even if she didn't know about the DNA.

My heart breaks for this man.

I would be interested to hear, however, what YOU would do. I assume you would never again speak to the children you raised?


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## Ynot

Better this way than to find out your spouse of 33 years has been cheating on you for the last 4 years. In this case I think couples counseling should be the first step. Yes it would be hard to swallow, but think about it. They got married when they were very young. Young people do stupid things, make mistakes and (hopefully) learn and grow from them. It sounds like that is exactly what happened. 
Was it crappy that she kept that secret for so many years? Yes it was. It was incredibly selfish of her. But it appears as though she learned from experience and once she did she acted and lived accordingly. This is not to excuse her. There is a huge rift in the trust bond that once existed and she (both actually) have a lot of work to do to repair it.
In regards to his daughters, this should not change a single thing. He raised the girls and he is better than their father, he is their dad! He needs to reassure them that this changes nothing between he and they.
If I were in his shoes I would try to work it out.


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## Yeswecan

For me, marriage over. The kids father is the person who posted this sad tale of a lie lived for 30 some years. Relationship with the kids would continue if this were me. They, I'm sure are just as devastated. The marriage is based on a lie and needs to be terminated.


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## PigglyWiggly

Living with that betrayal would not be a marriage I would enjoy. I would have to divorce.


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## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> Better this way than to find out your spouse of 33 years has been cheating on you for the last 4 years. In this case I think couples counseling should be the first step. Yes it would be hard to swallow, but think about it. They got married when they were very young. Young people do stupid things, make mistakes and (hopefully) learn and grow from them. It sounds like that is exactly what happened.
> Was it crappy that she kept that secret for so many years? Yes it was. It was incredibly selfish of her. But it appears as though she learned from experience and once she did she acted and lived accordingly. This is not to excuse her. There is a huge rift in the trust bond that once existed and she (both actually) have a lot of work to do to repair it.
> In regards to his daughters, this should not change a single thing. He raised the girls and he is better than their father, he is their dad! He needs to reassure them that this changes nothing between he and they.
> If I were in his shoes I would try to work it out.


This is WAY worse than your spouse of 33 years cheating on you for the last 4 years; This evolved into Paternity Fraud. Lying to relatives, lying to in-laws, lying to her son, lying to her husband, and lying to her daughters. The wife had every intention of keeping her rolls in the hay a secret perpetually and beyond the day she died. She robbed her husband of his decision to continue staying with an adulterous wife and raising her two children she created from acts of deception. The wife is simply a coward who chose the easier alternative. Do I tell my husband I've been having an affair for four years and potentially become a single mother with a life full of stress? Or do I keep my mouth closed and continue living my cushy life afforded to me by my naive, trusting husband and thus avoiding any stress and real consequences to my actions? You're correct that young people do stupid things and make mistakes but that doesn't mean you should be devoid of morality and that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. She acted and lived accordingly so as not to disrupt her peaceful lifestyle. We also only have one side of the story from her account. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there is more to this story. Repair this marriage?! Don't make me laugh. I've seen people divorce for much less than this. This is decades of manipulation and deceit.


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## Yeswecan

BruceBanner said:


> This is WAY worse than your spouse of 33 years cheating on you for the last 4 years; This evolved into Paternity Fraud. Lying to relatives, lying to in-laws, lying to her son, lying to her husband, and lying to her daughters. The wife had every intention of keeping her rolls in the hay a secret perpetually and beyond the day she died. She robbed her husband of his decision to continue staying with an adulterous wife and raising her two children she created from acts of deception. The wife is simply a coward who chose the easier alternative. Do I tell my husband I've been having an affair for four years and potentially become a single mother with a life full of stress? Or do I keep my mouth closed and continue living my cushy life afforded to me by my naive, trusting husband and thus avoiding any stress and real consequences to my actions? You're correct that young people do stupid things and make mistakes but that doesn't mean you should be devoid of morality and that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. She acted and lived accordingly so as not to disrupt her peaceful lifestyle. We also only have one side of the story from her account. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there is more to this story. Repair this marriage?! Don't make me laugh. I've seen people divorce for much less than this. This is decades of manipulation and deceit.


All this the very reason divorce would be completed as quickly as possible. Horrible the lies perpetrated to H and kids. I would be surprised if any talk to this woman at all after this revelation.


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## Taxman

This bears a striking semblance to Ambivalent One's posting on SI. Similar situation, LTA with an acquaintance that died nine years into the affair. The thread was called Dazed and Confused, and unfortunately, in January/February of this year, the WW took her own life. She too knew instinctively that this would eventually come back. She was not prepared for the sudden end to her marriage, and the asset split meeting, the one that I conduct regularly, drove the point home that her marriage was done, she had killed it nine years earlier, and she kept the zombie marriage alive by complete omission of the affair. Ambivalent one and his two daughters are left with nothing but detrius that she left in the wake of her affair. TotallyLostMan is suicidal at the thought of his world imploding. His wife one way or another is going to pay for this, and I predict that it will not be pleasant. One of my clients put his wife out of the family home. Their youngest was not his, and he discovered the LTA, then had DNA testing done on all of his children. He knew that his STBXW would crumble if one of the kids turned on her, so he said the most despicable thing in front of the youngest. "Take your bastard with you" The kid hears this, turns to his mother and says, "Is this true?" She answers yes, and the kid proceeds to go off on her. Called his mother a useless *****, and how can she live with herself. She fell apart. Near catatonic. He told his youngest to drive his mother to their grandparents, if he wanted to come home he could, mom was out. She was basically NMC for months following, and as soon as she was healthy enough, she was served.

I try to put myself into my client's shoes when this sort of thing rears its ugly head. In this case, given that he is father to one of his three children, and he was living a life that was a falsehood propagated by a wife that was in CYA mode for nearly thirty years. My first thought would be to drain everything financially, grab my passport, and get lost for a few months or years. Yes, I am a son of a ***** for saying that. What? he's going to leave her high and dry without a penny? Abandon his children? Well there would be one **** of a goodbye note to the kids saying that Mom should find out what life is like as a single after having grifted her husband into supporting, accepting and loving two kids that were not his. I have counselled one BH to take his wife to court, the filing was not done to exact revenge on her, but the corollary outing would have embarrassed the hell out her family that was fairly affluent. My client's FIL paid him a significant amount to keep his mouth shut. Of course that did not outlive the FIL, and my client had a significant bone to pick that ten times the amount of money would not salve, so day or two after the funeral, he tells the full story to her family. His ExWW had a very extended vacation away from everyone, as shall we say, she and her family were held up to intense ridicule. (They were church deacons, pillars of the community, and could not live down their daughter's indiscretion, made worse because the father of the children, was a servant)


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## azimuth

This would be so devastating and life-altering, the first few days or so after the reveal I think I wouldn't be able to get off the floor, or eat, or drink or do anything. They say God gives you what you can handle but damn. Their entire life was a lie. It's crazy how history repeats itself sometimes. This woman did the same thing the husband's mother did to him - kept paternity a secret. I feel awful for everyone involved except the wife. Imagine being the kids.


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## PigglyWiggly

If the marriage seemed really good in the last few years, I could almost see myself divorcing and then dating her all over again as a "new" couple. That doesn't make any sense but I am not always reasonable.


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## Stormguy2018

I couldn't deal with it. I've been married 38 years, and if I found out my two oldest kids weren't mine, it would end of story, I couldn't file for divorce fast enough. FOUR YEARS????? No, just no.


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## azimuth

> "you are my everything. I am your girl for life. I love you with all my heart. I did a very stupid and selfish thing many years ago. You did nothing wrong. You've been the best husband any woman could ever ask for and I hope we try to put this in perspective and recognize what a wonderful life we've had together and that we don't want this stupid, hurtful, mistake to ruin it."



There are about 10 billion things wrong with what she said and how she said it. No remorse, no apology, no acknowledgment of the devastation and lifetime of lying. And using a fear tactic to keep him in the marriage - "I hope *we *try to put this in perspective." If it took her two hours to come up with that she has no remorse in her body.


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## BluesPower

I would divorce her ASAP. Sell every single asset I had and move somewhere really nice. 

No way would I stay with this women for a another second...


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## Lostinthought61

Bruce you bet me to this i saw this yesterday and I thought about this guy the entire day and morning, i felt so so sad for him and trying to place myself in his shoes i could see where you could see your life was a partial lie, but honestly i would rather see the wife take her life over his....she is the one that instilled this deception from the beginning. But one thing for sure i could never look in her face again with out being angry and hurt...I had thought of sending here but not sure if your allowed to do that on Reddit.


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## Evinrude58

a 4 year lifestyle of cheating is not a stupid, hurtful mistake.

It would take about 6 months for my love to turn to hate, and I'd say gtho.

I'd love the two kids just like my bio kids. But I'd hate my wife for the fact that I'd have to think of the 2 kids that I loved so much not carrying my genes.
If this is a true story, it's beyond sad.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow. Just, wow. I am not a man, but damn this was hard to read. Based on what kind of man the author seems to be, seems to me he should divorce her ASAP and keep the relationship with the kids going status quo. I don't imagine he will abandon them, he doesn't seem the type, despite the horror he has been handed. 

One thing about this that kills me (among all of it)… the wife I'm sure KNEW that they were doing this DNA thing, and she just remained clammed up about it. She had to know the potential repercussions of the results! And she just sat there?? I guess she was silently hoping/praying it would come out that he indeed was their father, and her life of deception would just keep going until she died. 

UGH.


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## Bananapeel

I really don't know what I would do if I were in his shoes other than take a good long time to sit and think with her out of the house while I made my decision. It's so much easier when you catch a spouse in the middle of the affair and you can just blow it up and change your life direction. But there's something harder about it being in the past especially if your spouse had tried to make up for it.


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## Thound

I would love my daughters and boot the skanky wife out on her ass.


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## MyRevelation

First, he should D asap. I would never want to look at that woman again. Parental Fraud ... especially long term ... is as bad of a betrayal as there is.

D'ing first also has another added ... albeit darker ... benefit. If the OP is serious about wanting out of this life, if he D's first, at least his portion of the marital assets will go to his kids rather than his W.

If I was serious about suicide in this situation, I'd make damn sure the W didn't profit from her deception and betrayal.


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## hinterdir

I am pretty hard lined on this. I will never tolerate unfaithfulness. That breaks the bond and the vow we've made to each other. If my spouse were ever unfaithful to me it would be over. I wouldn't care if it were X amount of years ago. 

This is a no brainer for me. I'd immediately end the marriage. It wouldn't even be anything I'd have to wrestle with. I'd detest my wife and consider her scum. 

I'd just maintain the relationship with my kids and (depending on how old I was) I'd start dating other women. 

I could never be with this person again and they would be disgusting in my eyes, damaged, diseased. They could never be my spouse again. The law may take time to process but emotionally we'd be divorced the moment I found out they had sex with someone else while being my wife and betraying me in the most intimate and personal way any human can.


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## Ynot

BruceBanner said:


> This is WAY worse than your spouse of 33 years cheating on you for the last 4 years; This evolved into Paternity Fraud. Lying to relatives, lying to in-laws, lying to her son, lying to her husband, and lying to her daughters. The wife had every intention of keeping her rolls in the hay a secret perpetually and beyond the day she died. She robbed her husband of his decision to continue staying with an adulterous wife and raising her two children she created from acts of deception. The wife is simply a coward who chose the easier alternative. Do I tell my husband I've been having an affair for four years and potentially become a single mother with a life full of stress? Or do I keep my mouth closed and continue living my cushy life afforded to me by my naive, trusting husband and thus avoiding any stress and real consequences to my actions? You're correct that young people do stupid things and make mistakes but that doesn't mean you should be devoid of morality and that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. She acted and lived accordingly so as not to disrupt her peaceful lifestyle. We also only have one side of the story from her account. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there is more to this story. Repair this marriage?! Don't make me laugh. I've seen people divorce for much less than this. This is decades of manipulation and deceit.


BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years. 
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived. 
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


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## Broken at 20

I find it interesting this man can just go along with it. It seems more like some sappy Hallmark movie or a Sex and the City plot. That he can just keep the kids in his life. Not cut them out, not use them to hurt the mother, he just seems to want to keep them. He certainly has questions, but still seems to love them. 
Or perhaps this is Darwinism in progress. Weak men are cuckolded to raise the children of stronger men, eliminating their DNA from the gene pool. 

I also find it interesting how many people here would immediately divorce.
Judging from the length of the marriage (30+ years, right?) this is an older couple, likely in their 50's, right? If you're a 50-something cuckolded man, do you want to divorce? You're on the hook for child support (pretty sure the paternity window has run out by now), but your ex-WW can jump state with the kids and you'll never see them. You'll also have to pay alimony, and who knows how much that will be. 
Then your retirement nest egg. That will probably be split in half. And none of this even comes close to touching the legal fees. 
An immediate divorce will wipe out half your life's work in a matter of months. How many users here, at that advance age, are willing to do that? Out of sheer rage at their WW? 

Those kids are going to be messed up in the head for life. 
On the bright side though, it looks like their father isn't cutting them out of his life like caner. So that will probably help.


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## PigglyWiggly

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


I feel what you are saying. I said I would divorce her and then posted again that I might consider starting anew with her. I THINk I could make that work but am so glad that I don't have to find out. That's a rough situation for everyone involved.


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## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


Imagine actually defending the suspect in a situation like this! ****ing unbelievable! Lmfao. She made a mistake for four years and continued to make a mistake years afterwards? Getting plowed by another man outside of your marriage so frequently you become pregnant with two of his children is not a mistake. That's nothing but a lack of respect for the man you are married to and only focusing on what you want and the consequences be damned. If she was so tortured by guilt she would've confessed ages ago. I've done plenty of stupid **** as a kid but I have never gotten pregnant twice by a different man besides my husband and deceived him for decades into believing they were both his. 

I'll give you another example of a similar situation that somehow ended up being worse than the situation from Reddit. An Arab man with nine children suddenly discovered the reality behind "his" children's births after a series of medical tests, which proved that *he had been sterile all his life and hence could not have fathered "their" nine children.* His wife was cheating so frequently that he wasn't even able to tell he was infertile for 50 years of his life! He had a mental breakdown after his discovery. 

https://www.khaleejtimes.com/region...having-9-children-from-extra-marital-affair--


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## 3Xnocharm

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.


A young and dumb mistake is a drunken one night stand... this was YEARS of sex with the same man, YEARS of lying and deceiving the spouse, as well as the resulting children. 



Broken at 20 said:


> I find it interesting this man can just go along with it. It seems more like some sappy Hallmark movie or a Sex and the City plot. That he can just keep the kids in his life. Not cut them out, not use them to hurt the mother, he just seems to want to keep them. He certainly has questions, but still seems to love them.
> Or perhaps this is Darwinism in progress. Weak men are cuckolded to raise the children of stronger men, eliminating their DNA from the gene pool.
> 
> I also find it interesting how many people here would immediately divorce.
> Judging from the length of the marriage (30+ years, right?) this is an older couple, likely in their 50's, right? If you're a 50-something cuckolded man, do you want to divorce? You're on the hook for child support (pretty sure the paternity window has run out by now), but your ex-WW can jump state with the kids and you'll never see them. You'll also have to pay alimony, and who knows how much that will be.
> Then your retirement nest egg. That will probably be split in half. And none of this even comes close to touching the legal fees.
> An immediate divorce will wipe out half your life's work in a matter of months. How many users here, at that advance age, are willing to do that? Out of sheer rage at their WW?
> 
> Those kids are going to be messed up in the head for life.
> On the bright side though, it looks like their father isn't cutting them out of his life like caner. So that will probably help.


These "kids" are all in their 20's. Child support is a moot issue, as is any chance of wife running off with them never to be seen again. If she is employed and earning a living wage, I don't see alimony being awarded, either. Paying out some retirement seems a small price to pay to rid your life of the trash.


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## BruceBanner

> I find it too convenient that she had that affair for 4 years and the 2 daughters are 29 and 26, 3-4 years apart. Not to mention, if they were married for 33 years and their eldest daughter is 29, then it means they went 4 years without having children (more or less). So they had sex for 4 years and she didn't get pregnant once, yet when she started her affair she instantly got pregnant? Pure chance my ass.


This is a quote from another Reddit user who did the math. Her pregnancy to the OM was either deliberate or she simply didn't care about what her husband wanted. *In her mind he was the father no matter who the biological father is.*


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## FieryHairedLady

This is just terrible. The stuff nightmares are made of. What a horrible woman. 

The level of deception is off the charts.

She and this other guy snuck around for 4 years and managed to not be noticed by either other spouse. 

Did the girls look so much like her that it was not expected for them to have some features of the husband?

ANd this poor husband, blindsided by all this.

Embarrassed and this brought to his attention by his kids.

WOW!

Poor guy.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

BruceBanner said:


> Imagine actually defending the suspect in a situation like this! ****ing unbelievable! I expected the female users to come to her defense but this I did not expect. Lmfao. She made a mistake for four years and continued to make a mistake years afterwards? Getting plowed by another man outside of your marriage so frequently you become pregnant with two of his children is not a mistake. That's nothing but a lack of respect for the man you are married to and only focusing on what you want and the consequences be damned. If she was so tortured by guilt she would've confessed ages ago. I've done plenty of stupid **** as a kid but I have never gotten pregnant twice by a different man besides my husband and deceived him for decades into believing they were both his.
> 
> I'll give you another example of a similar situation that somehow ended up being worse than the situation from Reddit. An Arab man with nine children suddenly discovered the reality behind "his" children's births after a series of medical tests, which proved that *he had been sterile all his life and hence could not have fathered "their" nine children.* His wife was cheating so frequently that he wasn't even able to tell he was infertile for 50 years of his life! He had a mental breakdown after his discovery.
> 
> https://www.khaleejtimes.com/region...having-9-children-from-extra-marital-affair--


I agree with most of your post, but not the part about where you think the females would come to her defense. Well it is your opinion, you are welcome to it. (Respectfully)

Just I wouldn't of thought that.

Wrong is wrong, male or female.


----------



## GusPolinski

I’d file for divorce the very next morning.


----------



## Broken at 20

3Xnocharm said:


> These "kids" are all in their 20's. Child support is a moot issue, as is any chance of wife running off with them never to be seen again. If she is employed and earning a living wage, I don't see alimony being awarded, either.* Paying out some retirement seems a small price to pay to rid your life of the trash.*


I was merely using the child support point to point it out. Several people that say they would immediately divorce. I feel that's it something many people forget.
And whether or not she gets alimony depends on too many factors to know. Like the judge, the state, how much she earns, how much he earns, etc., 

Lastly, losing potentially half your retirement, maybe more, maybe less, you can do that? Not even going to touch if you two own a house. 
If you have $500K stashed away, after the divorce it will now be $250K. You're one economic downturn to having that nest egg become just a nest. 


I'm not saying anyone is wrong. I'm just pointing out that not only is this type of fraud 100% legal, but being punished for it can be potentially very damaging for the wounded party.


----------



## Idyit

Youthful indiscretions?? An indiscretion is a lack of good judgement. Oops. Youthful ones would be something like running over mailboxes or drinking beer on the HS gym roof. 

This was ****ing another man for 4 years. That's 1460 opportunities to say no to betraying your spouse. At 25 years old she gave birth to the first of the other man's daughters. Three years later another daughter of the OM was born. Youthful? She was at least 24 when the affair started. How old does one have to be before devastating actions are no longer indiscretions?

How would I handle it is the OP question. In his case I would love my children. As deeply or even moreso than before. They need to know that they are loved, cherished and tied to my heart always. The children were betrayed by their mother, I would not do the same by denying them in any way. The wife should not get such automatic consideration. Is R possible? Possibly But it is not owed for her subsequent good behavior.

I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny. 

Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?


----------



## Rowan

I think the "youthful mistake" excuse is pretty well out the window, considering that she bore the OM two children. 

A drunken one night stand might be a mistake. Getting too close to a friend so that you find yourself in the beginning stages of an EA might be a mistake. But a four year long physical affair, resulting in the births of two children, cannot really be termed a mistake. Rather, it's a series of active choices. Choices to lie, to deceive, to sneak around, to betray. And those choices were being made every single day, for _years_. That's not a mistake. It's not even a series of mistakes. It's a repeated and deliberate choice, over and over again, to betray someone who trusts and loves you.


----------



## personofinterest

So @BruceBanner, I am curious, based on some of your other posts on this topic....

What WOULD you do about the kids you raised?


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. *She made a mistake and made up for it* with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


Nope.

You can’t “make up” for a thing without first admitting to it.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


Everyone is welcome to their opinion of course. But come on, 4 years/2 kids? :surprise:


----------



## BluesPower

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


I think this is Crazy. She had a 4 year affair, and 2 of his 3 kids are not his? 

Are you kidding me?

I don't care what she did afterwards. What she did was enough. She stole the mans life. 

How could you say that?


----------



## Bananapeel

Idyit said:


> I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.
> 
> Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?


I felt the exact same way as you. I did paternity test my kids after my wife's affair (they are mine), but I did it secretly. For me, I cannot go through life not knowing something as important as whether I am the father of my kids. I find it's a lot easier to deal with a known evil then fear the possibility of an unknown one. You should do the DNA and then deal with the consequences if they exist. Not knowing the paternity will eat at you inside for the rest of your life.


----------



## Yeswecan

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.


Stupid was very calculating and deceiving....for years! Good Lord....not 1 but 2 kids with OM. Young and dumb? Hardly. 

As far as guilt for years...that was her doing. Does not make me "feel" for her and her plight.


----------



## Broken at 20

So I don't mean to threadjack, but are most guys in agreement about what they would do with the kids? That they would keep them in their lives, and continue loving them?


----------



## Andy1001

She HAD to admit to a four year affair. 
Who’s to know how long she was banging the other dude.
She would have taken this secret to the grave if circumstances hadn’t went against her.
What a hateful woman.


----------



## BruceBanner

personofinterest said:


> So @BruceBanner, I am curious, based on some of your other posts on this topic....
> 
> What WOULD you do about the kids you raised?


If they were young I would've gotten the **** like the Road Runner. But now that they are adults severing a bond with them wouldn't achieve anything.


----------



## Bananapeel

Broken at 20 said:


> So I don't mean to threadjack, but are most guys in agreement about what they would do with the kids? That they would keep them in their lives, and continue loving them?


Of course. After developing that long of a parental bond there is nothing to be gained by severing a relationship with them, especially due to circumstances they were innocent of.


----------



## Idyit

Bananapeel said:


> I felt the exact same way as you. I did paternity test my kids after my wife's affair (they are mine), but I did it secretly. For me, I cannot go through life not knowing something as important as whether I am the father of my kids. I find it's a lot easier to deal with a known evil then fear the possibility of an unknown one. You should do the DNA and then deal with the consequences if they exist. Not knowing the paternity will *eat at you inside* for the rest of your life.


It eats at me now. 

How did you do so in secret? The one in question is away at college. The other two would be easy enough.


----------



## Adelais

Poor man. Poor kids. Their nice life was turned into a Jerry Springer show. I feel for them.

Hopefully the husband will get her to agree to no alimony and less than half of his assets while she is still in shock. I hope they do not live in a "no fault" state.


----------



## Idyit

Broken at 20 said:


> So I don't mean to threadjack, but are most guys in agreement about what they would do with the kids? That they would keep them in their lives, and continue loving them?


Absolutely. No question.


----------



## GusPolinski

Idyit said:


> Youthful indiscretions?? An indiscretion is a lack of good judgement. Oops. Youthful ones would be something like running over mailboxes or drinking beer on the HS gym roof.
> 
> This was ****ing another man for 4 years. That's 1460 opportunities to say no to betraying your spouse. At 25 years old she gave birth to the first of the other man's daughters. Three years later another daughter of the OM was born. Youthful? She was at least 24 when the affair started. How old does one have to be before devastating actions are no longer indiscretions?
> 
> How would I handle it is the OP question. In his case I would love my children. As deeply or even moreso than before. They need to know that they are loved, cherished and tied to my heart always. The children were betrayed by their mother, I would not do the same by denying them in any way. The wife should not get such automatic consideration. Is R possible? Possibly But it is not owed for her subsequent good behavior.
> 
> I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.
> 
> Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?


I’d have to know.

And to be perfectly honest, your children — each of them — _deserve_ to know as well.

Our parentage is the single most primal, fundamental truth to which every single one of us is absolutely entitled.


----------



## Idyit

GusPolinski said:


> I’d have to know.
> 
> And to be perfectly honest, your children — each of them — _deserve_ to know as well.
> 
> Knowing the truth of our parentage is the single most primal, fundamental truth to which every single one of us is absolutely entitled.


Gus I respect your thoughts on this and elsewhere. I agree with their right to know. But this also clashes with wanting to protect them. If after testing they are shown to be mine all is good. If any are not mine, they will all be devastated, feel betrayed by their mother. Hate her. Doubt themselves. Who knows what OPs kids are still going through.

If I tested I would have to let them know. Or give their mother a small window to do it herself.


----------



## Andy1001

A study in Western Europe a while ago found that between 0.9% and 0.6% of men were unknowingly raising another mans child.This was a lot less than previously claimed but nonetheless is still a lot of men.
Unfortunately the way that these men found out about their cheating wives was when a child needed an organ or bone marrow transplant and the fathers who naturally wanted to save their children were told they weren’t suitable candidates.
What a terrible way to find out that your wife cheated on you.

In another instance that I seen myself I had a work colleague in the UK a number of years ago who had a free ride through Cambridge university on his grandparents dime.This was right up to PhD level.His older sister on the other hand works as a nanny.
It turned out that Mom was cheating and got pregnant to her side piece,and while Dad stuck with her the Grandparents weren’t so forgiving and they held the purse strings.


----------



## Broken at 20

Idyit said:


> I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. *The middle child may not be mine.* I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.
> 
> Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. P*art of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? * Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?


I can't answer as a father. I can only answer as the child. 

Take it from somebody that HAS opened that Pandora's box. You can never close it. You can never forget what's inside. You can never NOT know the results. 

Whether or not it's right for you is for you to decide. 

But, and I imagine this is why the man who raised me cut me out, there will be a maelstrom of thoughts that you can't shake. 
Are the athletic gifts because you taught your son how to play, or because of the body he inherited from another man? (and unless you know the OM, you'll probably think the man is the next Fabio). 
Is he smart and getting offers from colleges for big scholarships? Is it because you helped him study or bought him a book about computers? Or is it from the intelligence the OM passed on? 

How many years can one harbor misgivings before they can't handle it? 

Maybe it won't matter to you at all. 

But these are all things I imagine must've tortured the man. How long can one smile and pretend to be happy knowing that 'his' child's success isn't due to his genes? 

Open that box at your own discretion. 




Bananapeel said:


> Of course. After developing that long of a parental bond there is nothing to be gained by severing a relationship with them, especially due to circumstances they were innocent of.





Idyit said:


> Absolutely. No question.


Huh...wasn't expecting that.


----------



## Bananapeel

Idyit said:


> It eats at me now.
> 
> How did you do so in secret? The one in question is away at college. The other two would be easy enough.


You can use an old toothbrush when your child is back visiting over a vacation. 

I did a science experiment with my kids one summer growing some bacteria from their mouths. Grabbed two swabs and streaked one out for bacterial growth and used the other for DNA testing.


----------



## Yeswecan

Broken at 20 said:


> So I don't mean to threadjack, but are most guys in agreement about what they would do with the kids? That they would keep them in their lives, and continue loving them?


Absolutely. Kids are innocent. They will suffer enough knowing what mom was up to 30 years ago.


----------



## Ynot

I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


----------



## Idyit

Broken at 20 said:


> I can't answer as a father. I can only answer as the child.
> 
> Huh...wasn't expecting that.


I can't imagine the pain you have endured or the abandonment you feel. That is why I will choose to love my babies, always.


----------



## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
> The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
> Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


Man you seem incredibly defensive. You don't have to be a saint to not pull some **** like this. He was cuckolded. Do you not even know the definition of the word you are using? 



> A cuckold is the husband of an adulterous wife. In evolutionary biology, the term is also applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own.


There. There is the definition of cuckold. What do you mean they have a lot to work on? I don't believe it's possible to recover from something like this. Every time he looks at his wife he will see how the woman he put on a pedestal duped him into raising children from another man and that the majority of his marriage was a lie. Why should he have to make compromises for a psychopath?


----------



## BluesPower

Ynot said:


> I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
> The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
> Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


Actually, he is the very definition of cuckold. Look it up. 

She was 25 freaking years old, and she know there was a possibility the those where the OM's Kids. 

Being young is never an excuse for being dishonest. She knew what she was doing was wrong. 

And yes, there are absolutes in life, there always have been, and their always will be. 

I just completely disagree with you in every possible way. 

Makes me wonder what you did in your youth that makes you feel this way. Because I know I have done things I am not proud of, but good god, there is no excuse for this woman.


----------



## Graywolf2

First if he kills himself that will really mess up his kids. They will think that them not being biologically his was a factor (which it might be).

I would make an agreement with my wife that no matter how bad it got nether of them could commit suicide due to the kids. 

*Then I would ask her one question*. She got pregnant the first time and didn’t know who the father was. You watched as I was all excited about my first child and my parents ware all excited about what may have been their first grandchild.

*The question is why couldn’t she start using a condom with her OM after the first kid? *

She cared so little for her husband that the thought of using a condom with her boy friend never occurred to her. Why would she do that to the second kid?

Is it that the OM didn't like "showering in a raincoat"? :scratchhead:


----------



## Yeswecan

Ynot said:


> I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
> The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
> Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


The compromise started 33 years ago. It entailed another man and sex without protection from pregnancy. She as agreeable to it to the tune of 2 kids 

No matter how you cut it, the entire marriage was a compromise to the truth that the H was not privileged too.


----------



## Knips

There is a story i have read on SI. A woman had cheated on her husband many years. Her lover died in a car accident. In her grief she started loving her husband again and she became the best wife the hubby could imagine. The woman did therapy and realised what harm she had done with her hubby if he would find out. Many years lated hubby find out. The marriage is destroyed. The grief even caused a heart attack with the hubby. The hubby couldn't handle the infidility and eventually divorced. In her grief the WW eventually comitted suicide, leaving 2 children and a devestated husband behind. I say this as an example how devestating infidility can be after many years. I would not be able to stay with the WW, even with risk of suicide.


----------



## Ynot

BruceBanner said:


> Man you seem incredibly defensive. You don't have to be a saint to not pull some **** like this. He was cuckolded. Do you not even know the definition of the word you are using?
> 
> I am not defensive about this at all. It isn't my life, I really don't care one way or the other. The fact of the matter is the H was not a cuckold, even if he was cuckolded BECAUSE HE DID NOT KNOW. But that does not stop you holier than thou moral purists from casting all sorts of assumptions about the guy and what he should do.
> 
> There. There is the definition of cuckold. What do you mean they have a lot to work on? I don't believe it's possible to recover from something like this. Every time he looks at his wife he will see how the woman he put on a pedestal duped him into raising children from another man and that the majority of his marriage was a lie. Why should he have to make compromises for a psychopath?


YOU don't believe it is possible, yet there are many others who do. If I recall you were the one who asked "If this were you how would you handle this situation?" and then felt the need to denigrate anyone who doesn't agree with what YOU would do. As I said a few times now, I do not know if the marriage can survive this, but I would think long and hard before tossing away 33 years of time for something that happened a quarter of a century ago, when BOTH of them were completely different people.


----------



## Broken at 20

Idyit said:


> I can't imagine the pain you have endured or the abandonment you feel. That is why I will choose to love my babies, always.


I would hazard a guess that it has fundamentally changed me as a person. And probably not for the better. (read my last comment in this post)



Graywolf2 said:


> First if he kills himself that will really mess up his kids. They will think that them not being biologically was a factor (which it might be).


Funny enough, he could take out a life insurance policy, leave it all to the kids, leave all his stuff to the kids, divorce, and go out the John Wayne or Edgar Allen Poe way, and the kids would be set for life. 
Not mentally, but financially.


> I would make an agreement with my wife that no matter how bad it got nether of them could commit suicide due to the kids.


Well, apart from that being impossible to legally enforce,
Why would you even expect her to keep her word? She certainly didn't have any trouble violating every piece of the marriage contract. 



> *Then I would ask her one question*.
> *The question is why couldn’t she start using a condom with her OM after the first kid? *
> 
> Is it that the OM didn't like "showering in a raincoat"? :scratchhead:


I screamed that question at my mother in a public setting. Entirely to embarrass her too. 

Now, from what answer I got, and what I've read, people are *stupid*. 
Women think they won't get pregnant. Or they're too overcome with lust to think "Hey, maybe this will make a kid. And maybe that kid will invite me to a restaurant in a very public setting near where I live and scream this very question at me during a very crowded Saturday dinner hour." 
Men don't care. I'm your AP, and I get you pregnant. So what? I don't care. If you want to keep your marriage, you got two options: have an abortion before you start showing, or cuckold him. I'm certainly not going to marry you as your AP. 
Or if you don't care and do tell your husband, well, I imagine 99% of women know their husband will leave them. I imagine most of the father's answers on this thread would change if the kid was a baby, and they were in their late 20's or early 30's. They would have enough time to dump her like a bag of trash outside, and find someone else to reproduce with. Or they'd be too damaged to ever trust women. 
Either way, even if the WW tells he BH, who cares. The AP isn't going to marry her. 

So it comes down to people are *stupid and selfish*! She didn't want to lose her marriage, but she wanted to keep her thing on the side and have his kids. 
Darwinism at its finest. 




Knips said:


> There is a story i have read on SI. A woman had cheated on her husband many years. Her lover died in a car accident. In her grief she started loving her husband again and she became the best wife the hubby could imagine. The woman did therapy and realised what harm she had done with her hubby if he would find out. Many years lated hubby find out. The marriage is destroyed. The grief even caused a heart attack with the hubby. The hubby couldn't handle the infidility and eventually divorced. In her grief the WW eventually comitted suicide, leaving 2 children and a devestated husband behind. I say this as an example how devestating infidility can be after many years. I would not be able to stay with the WW, even with risk of suicide.


At the end of this story, all I could do was laugh and think "Who cares. Good riddance." Probably a horrific response. 
But as one of the victims from something like this, what does one expect as a response?


----------



## BruceBanner

Knips said:


> There is a story i have read on SI. A woman had cheated on her husband many years. Her lover died in a car accident. In her grief she started loving her husband again and she became the best wife the hubby could imagine. The woman did therapy and realised what harm she had done with her hubby if he would find out. Many years lated hubby find out. The marriage is destroyed. The grief even caused a heart attack with the hubby. The hubby couldn't handle the infidility and eventually divorced. In her grief the WW eventually comitted suicide, leaving 2 children and a devestated husband behind. I say this as an example how devestating infidility can be after many years. I would not be able to stay with the WW, even with risk of suicide.


What thread did you read this from? I'm wondering how the husband found out. There's a thread on loveshack where a member learned his wife cheated about a *decade ago* because she went to the hotel with her lover in her husband's car enough times for a hotel employee there to remember it about a *decade* after the affair. The employee mentioned a couple that went there often in the exact same car and said out loud I wonder if they had sold the car or something. It's ridiculous how some people's dirt comes out.


----------



## Yeswecan

Ynot said:


> YOU don't believe it is possible, yet there are many others who do. If I recall you were the one who asked "If this were you how would you handle this situation?" and then felt the need to denigrate anyone who doesn't agree with what YOU would do. As I said a few times now, I do not know if the marriage can survive this, but I would think long and hard before tossing away 33 years of time for something that happened a quarter of a century ago, when BOTH of them were completely different people.


You don't get it Ynot....there are two people call kids with OM that are now involved. These are not wall flowers from some old wallpaper from a quarter of a century disagreement in the nursery for kids that are not his biologically. Flesh and blood of another while all along the H was none the wiser. Duped I would call it.


----------



## Ynot

Yeswecan said:


> You don't get it Ynot....there are two people call kids with OM that are now involved. These are not wall flowers from some old wallpaper from a quarter of a century disagreement in the nursery for kids that are not his biologically. Flesh and blood of another while all along the H was none the wiser. Duped I would call it.


No, I do get it. They are two children he raised as his own because he did not have a clue they were not his. They are not guilty of anything and they do not deserve anything other than his continued unconditional love. The H may have been duped, but that should not change anything concerning the children who he has loved and supported for all those years. If that is what is bothering you, and you would desert them now you need to grow up.


----------



## SunCMars

azimuth said:


> There are about 10 billion things wrong with what she said and how she said it. No remorse, no apology, no acknowledgment of the devastation and lifetime of lying. And using a fear tactic to keep him in the marriage - "I hope *we *try to put this in perspective." If it took her two hours to come up with that she has no remorse in her body.


If you really, truly think about it...

What would this remorse look like?

Even it were real, and it may have been; it was real for her.
It had to be small.

Compared to her crime, her guilty slobbering plea is is no bargain.
A no-plea bargain.

After her affair she treated him well, well that is some recourse and some remorse.

But as witnessed here, not enough time served for such a terrible crime.

It is a double jeopardy thing, no, this a sextus debt to be paid.

She cheated for four years, having joy, no tears. That is four.
She created two girls from joy, not his. Add two more

That is six ways to Sunday that she got over her husband, that she got under her lover.
She is in sextus jeopardy, sex was good while it lasted.

It has now morphed and is jeopardizing her future. The good sex has morphed into no-sex, no intimacy for life.
The rest of his and her lives. They together, no more.

I might forgive.
But only if my 'now' adopted daughters asked me to.

Tis, a joint betrayal, requiring a joint judgement.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

I couldn't do it. I don't know how you get past an affair let alone parental fraud. I couldn't respect myself if I tried. I don't give 2 rats asses if she has supposedly changed or grown up. That's effed up.


----------



## syhoybenden

BruceBanner said:


> What thread did you read this from? I'm wondering how the husband found out.



I'm pretty sure the member was AmbivalentOne and the thread was "Dazed and Confused".


----------



## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> YOU don't believe it is possible, yet there are many others who do. If I recall you were the one who asked "If this were you how would you handle this situation?" and then felt the need to denigrate anyone who doesn't agree with what YOU would do. As I said a few times now, I do not know if the marriage can survive this, but I would think long and hard before tossing away 33 years of time for something that happened a quarter of a century ago, when BOTH of them were completely different people.


The wife is still the same person because she didn't confront her sins. She buried them and it's obvious she had every intention of taking those secrets to the grave. The husband is a cuckold because HE DID NOT KNOW.


----------



## Yeswecan

Ynot said:


> No, I do get it. They are two children he raised as his own because he did not have a clue they were not his. They are not guilty of anything and they do not deserve anything other than his continued unconditional love. The H may have been duped, but that should not change anything concerning the children who he has loved and supported for all those years. If that is what is bothering you, and you would desert them now you need to grow up.


So the H should just stuff it and chalk it up to youthful stupidity. Got it. And, if you read my previous posts I said the kids would stay in my life. A life that is full of truth and not deception. 

Was duped...not "may have been". She got pregnant twice by OM. Read that again. Twice. he was duped. Simple as that.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Ynot said:


> I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
> The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
> Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


Affairs are not immature stupidity. Parental Fraud is the worst possible disrespect you can do to a man. I don't know how you could possibly live with yourself if you tried to work it out with her. She is a monster. Plain and simple. NO EXCUSES.

The kids would still be mine regardless of DNA, she would be dead to me.

If you would actually consider taking someone like that back, I feel sorry for you and your lack of self-respect.


----------



## Ynot

BruceBanner said:


> The wife is still the same person because she didn't confront her sins. She buried them and it's obvious she had every intention of taking those secrets to the grave. The husband is a cuckold because HE DID NOT KNOW.


Neither he nor his wife is the same person today that they were 33 years ago. If you are the same person today that you were 33 years ago, then I guess I am talking to a ghost because you are dead. People live, make mistakes and learn. Learning is how we grow. If you can't or don't you die or just remain stuck and bitter for your remaining years on earth.


----------



## Ynot

Yeswecan said:


> So the H should just stuff it and chalk it up to youthful stupidity. Got it. And, if you read my previous posts I said the kids would stay in my life. A life that is full of truth and not deception.
> 
> Was duped...not "may have been". She got pregnant twice by OM. Read that again. Twice. he was duped. Simple as that.


Where has anyone ever said the H should just stuff it and chalk it up to youthful stupidity. I see you like to reply in a knee jerk manner. I have said numerous times that I have no clue whether the marriage could or could not survive, just that I could not so easily toss away 33 years of my life due to something that happened when we were both different people over 25 years ago. If you can, I feel sad for you.
As to the kids - dude, it was your post in response to me that implied the H should cut them out.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Ynot said:


> Neither he nor his wife is the same person today that they were 33 years ago. If you are the same person today that you were 33 years ago, then I guess I am talking to a ghost because you are dead. People live, make mistakes and learn. Learning is how we grow. If you can't or don't you die or just remain stuck and bitter for your remaining years on earth.


There are some sins that only God can forgive.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

feel the love!!!!


----------



## Ynot

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Affairs are not immature stupidity. Parental Fraud is the worst possible disrespect you can do to a man. I don't know how you could possibly live with yourself if you tried to work it out with her. She is a monster. Plain and simple. NO EXCUSES.
> Um, yea, some affairs are simply due to immature stupidity, regardless of what you think. I could live with myself because I place more emphasis on the recent history, than past history. Over the past 25 years she has shown herself to be a good partner and wife. What she did, she did in the distant past.
> The kids would still be mine regardless of DNA, she would be dead to me.
> Good to hear
> If you would actually consider taking someone like that back, I feel sorry for you and your lack of self-respect.


Do not feel sorry for me. I have plenty of self respect. It is just that I do not tie mine to something some one else did 25 years ago. As I said I would have to consider the more recent behavior, which is evidence of her maturing and learning and not pin everything to things she did 25 years ago when we were both different people. But FTR, since you seem to also be wont to reply in a knee jerk manner. I said I didn't know if the marriage could or could not survive but there would be a lot of work required. OTOH, I do feel sad for anyone who has such a dogmatic and inflexible outlook on life.


----------



## Ynot

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> There are some sins that only God can forgive.


You might decide that you cannot forgive, but you have no idea what God might forgive. After all his own son was buddies with prostitutes and tax collectors.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> There are some sins that only God can forgive.


Aphrodite made no such comment that I know of


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> You might decide that you cannot forgive, but you have no idea what God might forgive. After all his own son was buddies with prostitutes and tax collectors.


And yet He was neither whoring nor collecting taxes.

Either way, yes — the BH can forgive his WW for her transgressions.

But forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.


----------



## Ynot

GusPolinski said:


> And yet He was neither whoring nor collecting taxes.
> 
> Either way, yes — the BH can forgive his WW for her transgressions.
> 
> But forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.


No one said it did, did they?
Although in regards to Jesus, there are some who allege he married was married to Mary Magdelyne, a prostitute. So even he was able to overlook her past, unlike some of the posters on this thread.
But again FTR, I haven't said whether I could or couldn't forgive. I have only said that it would take a lot of work. But that hasn't stopped all of these morally upright people from judging me, shaming me or accusing me for offering an opinion when asked what would I do.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> No one said it did, did they?


Many — if not most — tend to _heavily_ imply it, yourself included.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> No one said it did, did they?
> Although in regards to Jesus, there are some who allege he married was married to Mary Magdelyne, a prostitute. So even he was able to overlook her past, unlike some of the posters on this thread.
> But again FTR, I haven't said whether I could or couldn't forgive. I have only said that it would take a lot of work. But that hasn't stopped all of these morally upright people from judging me, shaming me or accusing me for offering an opinion when asked what would I do.


That’s just stupid.

Overlooking someone’s “past” and reconciling in the face of such a horrible betrayal to one’s own person are two COMPLETELY different things.

Seriously, there’s no comparison.

Are you really that obtuse?


----------



## Ynot

GusPolinski said:


> Many — if not most — tend to _heavily_ imply it, yourself included.


Besides in your head, can you show me where I have ever suggested or implied that the H should or should not reconcile. I have only said what I would do, which would be to give greater consideration to her recent behavior and less to that in the past. I have also said that I do not know if the marriage could survive. Which would HEAVILY imply that reconciliation might not work or be possible.


----------



## Ynot

GusPolinski said:


> That’s just stupid.
> 
> Overlooking someone’s “past” and reconciling in the face of such a horrible betrayal to one’s own person are two COMPLETELY different things.
> 
> Seriously, there’s no comparison.
> 
> Are you really that obtuse?


Speaking of obtuse, why are you so insistent that anyone has suggested they reconcile. The question was what would I do. I said I would consider her recent behavior over her past behavior and that I didn't know if the marriage would survive. Do you have similar knee jerk reactions as some of these other guys?


----------



## Andy1001

This thread reminds me of the quote @sokillme has on his timeline.
The op here has to eat a **** sandwich.
One which has been marinating for twenty odd years.
He is depressed and suicidal and I wish I had some words of comfort to offer him.
If he was posting here I would advice him to seek some counseling urgently.


----------



## sokillme

Taxman said:


> This bears a striking semblance to Ambivalent One's posting on SI. Similar situation, LTA with an acquaintance that died nine years into the affair. The thread was called Dazed and Confused, and unfortunately, in January/February of this year, the WW took her own life. She too knew instinctively that this would eventually come back. She was not prepared for the sudden end to her marriage, and the asset split meeting, the one that I conduct regularly, drove the point home that her marriage was done, she had killed it nine years earlier, and she kept the zombie marriage alive by complete omission of the affair. Ambivalent one and his two daughters are left with nothing but detrius that she left in the wake of her affair. TotallyLostMan is suicidal at the thought of his world imploding. His wife one way or another is going to pay for this, and I predict that it will not be pleasant. One of my clients put his wife out of the family home. Their youngest was not his, and he discovered the LTA, then had DNA testing done on all of his children. He knew that his STBXW would crumble if one of the kids turned on her, so he said the most despicable thing in front of the youngest. "Take your bastard with you" The kid hears this, turns to his mother and says, "Is this true?" She answers yes, and the kid proceeds to go off on her. Called his mother a useless *****, and how can she live with herself. She fell apart. Near catatonic. He told his youngest to drive his mother to their grandparents, if he wanted to come home he could, mom was out. She was basically NMC for months following, and as soon as she was healthy enough, she was served.
> 
> I try to put myself into my client's shoes when this sort of thing rears its ugly head. In this case, given that he is father to one of his three children, and he was living a life that was a falsehood propagated by a wife that was in CYA mode for nearly thirty years. My first thought would be to drain everything financially, grab my passport, and get lost for a few months or years. Yes, I am a son of a ***** for saying that. What? he's going to leave her high and dry without a penny? Abandon his children? Well there would be one fu ck of a goodbye note to the kids saying that Mom should find out what life is like as a single after having grifted her husband into supporting, accepting and loving two kids that were not his. I have counselled one BH to take his wife to court, the filing was not done to exact revenge on her, but the corollary outing would have embarrassed the hell out her family that was fairly affluent. My client's FIL paid him a significant amount to keep his mouth shut. Of course that did not outlive the FIL, and my client had a significant bone to pick that ten times the amount of money would not salve, so day or two after the funeral, he tells the full story to her family. His ExWW had a very extended vacation away from everyone, as shall we say, she and her family were held up to intense ridicule. (They were church deacons, pillars of the community, and could not live down their daughter's indiscretion, made worse because the father of the children, was a servant)


My thoughts exactly. I will keep my other thoughts on that situation to myself. I hope at least he does the same as AO. 

Everyone he talks to say his wife is a great wife? What great friends he has. She is a total fraud and a monster. At the very least he should get a free pass for life so he can have a "sexual outlet" like her. 

Besides that, they are always like "I only love you! I would never leave you!" To them it's just implied that they are some sort of catch. She doesn't get that she is every mans worst nightmare.

At least the posters at Reddit never let me down. They always cut to the reality of the situation.


----------



## sokillme

Ynot said:


> I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
> The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
> Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


This is so ****ing insulting. Yeah I'm a saint because I am not a monster like this women. I am not a rapist either guess that also makes me terrible because I judge them too. How dare I be so harsh. This wasn't years ago she lied for 25 years to her whole family up until this point. She is disgusting.


----------



## sokillme

Graywolf2 said:


> First if he kills himself that will really mess up his kids. They will think that them not being biologically was a factor (which it might be).
> 
> I would make an agreement with my wife that no matter how bad it got nether of them could commit suicide due to the kids.
> 
> *Then I would ask her one question*. She got pregnant the first time and didn’t know who the father was. She watch as I was all excited about my first child and my parents ware all excited about what may have been their first grandchild.
> 
> *The question is why couldn’t she start using a condom with her OM after the first kid? *
> 
> She cared so little for me that the thought of using a condom with her boy friend never occurred to her. Why would she do that to the second kid?
> 
> Is it that the OM didn't like "showering in a raincoat"? :scratchhead:


Yeah someone should mention that to him on reddit. Why was the first scare not enough.


----------



## sokillme

Ynot said:


> No one said it did, did they?
> Although in regards to Jesus, there are some who allege he married was married to Mary Magdelyne, a prostitute. So even he was able to overlook her past, unlike some of the posters on this thread.


He also killed Ananias and Sapphira dead on the spot for lying to him.


----------



## faithfulman

So the person she is today is completely different from the person who gave birth to another man's children 25+ years ago?

Okay. 

But she is still the same person who lied about it for the subsequent 25 years up until she got busted just recently:

A liar who was content for the husband to be her fool unknowingly raising ANOTHER MAN'S TWO CHILDREN!


----------



## TAMAT

I have some suspicions about my oldest as my W was still in contact with OM1 at work around that time and the birth weight was high and the gestation short, but not outside of the Gaussian. I know the only possible date of conception.

I believe if it turned out that I wasn't the dad I would sue OM1 for 1/4 of the cost of raising my child until college graduation. My other option would be much worse.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> Neither he nor his wife is the same person today that they were 33 years ago. If you are the same person today that you were 33 years ago, then I guess I am talking to a ghost because you are dead. People live, make mistakes and learn. Learning is how we grow. If you can't or don't you die or just remain stuck and bitter for your remaining years on earth.


LOL...

Regardless of who they are now or who they were 33 years ago, he's the guy that's been lied to like a chump for nearly 30 years and she's the person that's been doing the lying.

Long story short: she's not changed in any sort of meaningful way.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> Besides in your head, can you show me where I have ever suggested or implied that the H should or should not reconcile. I have only said what I would do, which would be to give greater consideration to her recent behavior and less to that in the past. I have also said that I do not know if the marriage could survive. Which would HEAVILY imply that reconciliation might not work or be possible.


Meh. Not worth my time.

I've read enough of your "it's not the end of the world", or "it's not worth ending a marriage over", or "I wouldn't change my entire life over it" posts in enough threads over the past couple of years to know where you stand.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> Speaking of obtuse, why are you so insistent that anyone has suggested they reconcile. The question was what would I do. I said I would consider her recent behavior over her past behavior and that I didn't know if the marriage would survive. Do you have similar knee jerk reactions as some of these other guys?


Dance around it all you like, phrases like "I would do this" and "I wouldn't do that" are widely recognized for exactly what they are -- suggestions.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
> The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
> Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.


There is a huge gulf between "young and immature", or "daily compromises", or whatever other laughable term you'd care to clumsily apply here and the scenario described in the initial post, but sure -- keep the hysterics coming.

And the lies didn't end a quarter of a century ago -- they continued right up until the moment that the discovered that 2 of his 3 children weren't his biological offspring.


----------



## BruceBanner

TAMAT said:


> I have some suspicions about my oldest as my W was still in contact with OM1 at work around that time and the birth weight was high and the gestation short, but not outside of the Gaussian. I know the only possible date of conception.
> 
> I believe if it turned out that I wasn't the dad I would sue OM1 for 1/4 of the cost of raising my child until college graduation. My other option would be much worse.


I would like to know your other option in a PM.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> No, I do get it. They are two children he raised as his own because he did not have a clue they were not his. They are not guilty of anything and they do not deserve anything other than his continued unconditional love. The H may have been duped, but that should not change anything concerning the children who he has loved and supported for all those years. If that is what is bothering you, and you would desert them now you need to grow up.


The two oldest are what now -- 29 and 25?

Based on that alone, I'd imagine that anything they were ever due (or "deserved") has already been given. Unknowingly, perhaps, but still -- they should be good now.

I'm not saying that the BH should end his relationship with them (mostly because he would likely suffer even greater pain as a result), and I doubt that would be something I could do, but I wouldn't fault him if he chose to go that route.


----------



## GusPolinski

Idyit said:


> Gus I respect your thoughts on this and elsewhere. I agree with their right to know. But this also clashes with wanting to protect them. If after testing they are shown to be mine all is good. If any are not mine, they will all be devastated, feel betrayed by their mother. Hate her. Doubt themselves. Who knows what OPs kids are still going through.
> 
> If I tested I would have to let them know. Or give their mother a small window to do it herself.


Man I totally get that.

Seriously, I do.

But you've got to think about worst case -- something like what happened here coming to pass.

If what you fear may be true is in fact true, getting out ahead of it, as well as communicating any bad news yourself, may help to soften the blow.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Ynot said:


> Um, yea, some affairs are simply due to immature stupidity, regardless of what you think. I could live with myself because I place more emphasis on the recent history, than past history. Over the past 25 years she has shown herself to be a good partner and wife. What she did, she did in the distant past.


Immature Stupidity might be a drunken one night stand, not a 4 year affair. That is a sign of someone seriously effed up in the head and who could give 2 f's about their partner. But, take out the fact that she was brain-dead enough to screw her paramour without protection-- I honestly don't know what is worse...the 4 year affair with all its deceit, lies and sexual immorality or the fact that she then went on to hide it for another 3 decades without guilt destroying her...She is still the same monster and I would never call such a deviant monster my wife. But to each their own.


----------



## [email protected]

BruceBanner, it doesn't matter how long ago your WW had her affair, it's happening to you right now. You have heard it before I'm sure, but I'll reiterate: cheaters are liars. And in your case, she lied by omission for decades. I really, really hate to say this, but I will. She could not have loved you considering the way she treated you all this time! Not possible. Probably she regarded you as roommates of some kind.

This news is comparable to getting the bad new from your physician in that it's such a kick in the guts. And one you can't really grasp right now. In any event, this is going to haunt you 'till your dying day. If it were me, I'd part ways with her as early as possible. Just saying!


----------



## BruceBanner

[email protected] said:


> BruceBanner, it doesn't matter how long ago your WW had her affair, it's happening to you right now. You have heard it before I'm sure, but I'll reiterate: cheaters are liars. And in your case, she lied by omission for decades. I really, really hate to say this, but I will. She could not have loved you considering the way she treated you all this time! Not possible. Probably she regarded you as roommates of some kind.
> 
> This news is comparable to getting the bad new from your physician in that it's such a kick in the guts. And one you can't really grasp right now. In any event, this is going to haunt you 'till your dying day. If it were me, I'd part ways with her as early as possible. Just saying!


I'm not going through this someone else from Reddit is.


----------



## Ynot

All you dudes need to get a life and stop projecting your pain onto the rest of the world. The OP posted a question, which apparently he only did do to gain validation for whatever he already believes, not to actually hear other view points. I stated my POV, you disagreed, now you guys can go back to crying on each others shoulders and having pity parties for yourselves.


----------



## Taxman

Well, first the redditor concerns me as he is contemplating the end of his life. I hope to g-d that it's just hyperbole, however, I do not use reddit, and I hope someone there is talking this poor guy down. He would not be the first BH to react in that manner. Best he immediately seek psychiatric treatment. Secondarily, there is a piss-pot full of stuff that he would have to forgive, and I think the deception alone is enough to end the marriage. This raises issues for me in a gigantic number of ways. From a financial and estate standpoint, he raised two children who he was deceived into believing were his own, the current estimate is $233,600 per child before college. First, I would be asking for a legal separation, as well as complete financial separation. He raised and loved those children. But he was reamed financially. Near half a million is what I would be asking the wife in my divorce suit. She gambled and it took a while but the dice came up snake eyes. She gambled her marriage on the 50/50 that her husband was actually the sperm donor. Once the OP is in the anger phase, there will be some significant fireworks.

Folks read the very first post. Don't project, its a useless emotion.


----------



## sokillme

Ynot said:


> All you dudes need to get a life and stop projecting your pain onto the rest of the world. The OP posted a question, which apparently he only did do to gain validation for whatever he already believes, not to actually hear other view points. I stated my POV, you disagreed, now you guys can go back to crying on each others shoulders and having pity parties for yourselves.


Funny all the posts on here and reddit only you have this take. It's disturbing actually. It's like your empathy meter is broken.


----------



## sokillme

Taxman said:


> Well, first the redditor concerns me as he is contemplating the end of his life. I hope to g-d that it's just hyperbole, however, I do not use reddit, and I hope someone there is talking this poor guy down. He would not be the first BH to react in that manner. Best he immediately seek psychiatric treatment. Secondarily, there is a piss-pot full of stuff that he would have to forgive, and I think the deception alone is enough to end the marriage. This raises issues for me in a gigantic number of ways. From a financial and estate standpoint, he raised two children who he was deceived into believing were his own, the current estimate is $233,600 per child before college. First, I would be asking for a legal separation, as well as complete financial separation. He raised and loved those children. But he was reamed financially. Near half a million is what I would be asking the wife in my divorce suit. She gambled and it took a while but the dice came up snake eyes. She gambled her marriage on the 50/50 that her husband was actually the sperm donor. Once the OP is in the anger phase, there will be some significant fireworks.


My first question would be did she go to this guys funeral? That would be a big tell. Not that I would want anything to do with her. Though someone pointed out she had 2 hours to come up with a story, and it's convenient that her AP happens to be dead. Maybe she picked him just because he is. To cover for the real AP? He may never know.

I would tell his widow and kids. His memory should be tarnished, and his wife can live with that shame as well. Plus if she is lying that would sniff it out. She stole her husbands whole life and the life of her kids. She also blew up the AP's kid and wife's world as well. She brought great evil into all of their lives. Plus she didn't do it once, she did it twice. That's a deliberate slap in their face. 

She tells her sister, she knew this would come back to haunt her. Still after all she did, even to her kids she is thinking about her. Do you think her sister pointed it out? How about how you stole your kids reality about who they are? It never fails over and over these people a just straight up garbage. 

I was thinking about it, what would you rather have happen. Same life no cheating but your wife in a fit of anger shoot and kills you, or your wife does what OP's wife did to him? I would pick getting shot and killed without a thought.


----------



## Ynot

sokillme said:


> Funny all the posts on here and reddit only you have this take. It's disturbing actually. It's like your empathy meter is broken.


My empathy meter works just fine. It seems to be yours that is broken. Some of you even seem to suggest that the H should cut off ties to the daughters he has raised from infancy. Talk about lack of empathy. Look I get it, some of you were hurt when your wives cheated on you and so you endlessly project your pain. But in this case the guy has built a life with this woman, raised a family and invested more than half his life. But because you were cheated on, you think he should just toss it all aside. You can't even fathom how he might take time to consider EVERYTHING instead of just reacting as you all feel you would. The OP asked "what would you do in this situation?" I answered what I would do. But apparently that isn't what any of you butthurt clowns wanted to hear. Instead you wanted validation. Sorry, but you and your pals need to stop your self pity and start to live and think again.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

After reading this story, the first thought that came to my mind was a bit from Chris Rock about OJ. "I'm not saying he should have killed her ... but I understand" 

After that initial thought however, my second thought is instant divorce. No question about it. 

The thing is, I've thought through all this stuff before too many times. Ive read the stories like these. Ive done my best to place myself in another man's shoes with this stuff. The reality is I know myself well enough to know I would never get over it. Thus the only option is to just move on. I wouldn't ever just move on with my life like nothing happened. Even 5 or 6 years, hell 10 or 20 years later. I know damn well I wouldn't ever be able to get past it in a relationship with a woman who could do this. I simply couldn't do it. So I would be gone the next day. 

Actually knowing me I would do probably the most unhealthy thing ever and just run. I would disappear from family. I would go off into the woods somewhere and I wouldn't ever contact anyone again. Go full on hermit and just be alone forever. I might find happiness there. I sure wouldn't be able to find it sticking around though. Ive never claimed to be the strongest guy out there either, let the record show.


----------



## Evinrude58

She had another man’s baby and passed it off as her husband’s not once, but TWICE.
She said she finally realized she was found by wrongband loved her husband..
What? After 4 YEARS? 
More than likely the AP’s wife found out and he broke it off, or one or the other just got tired of the affair and ended it. 

The chances of the WS coming to a conclusion she really loved her husband and chose to stop—- it’s illogical and in my mind, unbelievable.

I think I’d wind up divorcing her.

And I think anything she told me after I learned the truth after it was FORCED into the open—- I would let go in one ear and out the other.

I could at that point never believe she “loved”me again. I can see why the guy in this would consider suicide. It’s a pill that’s hard to choke down and get past.

Horror story.


----------



## sokillme

Ynot said:


> My empathy meter works just fine. It seems to be yours that is broken. Some of you even seem to suggest that the H should cut off ties to the daughters he has raised from infancy. Talk about lack of empathy. Look I get it, some of you were hurt when your wives cheated on you and so you endlessly project your pain. But in this case the guy has built a life with this woman, raised a family and invested more than half his life. But because you were cheated on, you think he should just toss it all aside. You can't even fathom how he might take time to consider EVERYTHING instead of just reacting as you all feel you would. The OP asked "what would you do in this situation?" I answered what I would do. But apparently that isn't what any of you butthurt clowns wanted to hear. Instead you wanted validation. Sorry, but you and your pals need to stop your self pity and start to live and think again.


Again, only you have this take. 

We get it, suck it up buttercup, he had a good marriage when she wasn't lying to him or creating kids with other men and telling them an him, he was their father. Everyone's dream spouse. 

My wife never cheated on me by the way. I am just not a Vulcan.


----------



## sokillme

TheDudeLebowski said:


> After reading this story, the first thought that came to my mind was a bit from Chris Rock about OJ. "I'm not saying he should have killed her ... but I understand"
> 
> After that initial thought however, my second thought is instant divorce. No question about it.
> 
> The thing is, I've thought through all this stuff before too many times. Ive read the stories like these. Ive done my best to place myself in another man's shoes with this stuff. The reality is I know myself well enough to know I would never get over it. Thus the only option is to just move on. I wouldn't ever just move on with my life like nothing happened. Even 5 or 6 years, hell 10 or 20 years later. I know damn well I wouldn't ever be able to get past it in a relationship with a woman who could do this. I simply couldn't do it. So I would be gone the next day.
> 
> Actually knowing me I would do probably the most unhealthy thing ever and just run. I would disappear from family. I would go off into the woods somewhere and I wouldn't ever contact anyone again. Go full on hermit and just be alone forever. I might find happiness there. I sure wouldn't be able to find it sticking around though. Ive never claimed to be the strongest guy out there either, let the record show.


I felt that way when I read AO's story on SI. I thought I would just off myself. But that wouldn't be right to do to the kids. I think it would be time to man up. If people can go to war they can go through something as horrible as this. 

As bad as this is people have been through worse. Kids live through parents trying to kill them. He is only 54 he could have a real marriage with someone that is just as long if he meets someone else soon. His life doesn't have to end. He still has his kids, though it will be weird at first with the 2 oldest. I don't know though maybe it wouldn't be, it's not like they changed or anything. They were not lying. Plus his youngest are his. If it does change it's entirely her fault. 

If he moves on he will probably recover. I don't think he will if he stays in the sham of a marriage. Then he might as well just do it.


----------



## Broken at 20

Ynot said:


> All you dudes need to get a life and stop projecting your pain onto the rest of the world. The OP posted a question, which apparently he only did do to gain validation for whatever he already believes, not to actually hear other view points. I stated my POV, you disagreed, now you guys can go back to crying on each others shoulders and having pity parties for yourselves.


I'll openly admit my projection (though whether other posters are/will is up for debate). There's a lot that I wish could happen. 

Why can't I have a man like him (OP) as my father? I want my dad back. 
I went into accounting because my father was in accounting. My father never got his CPA license, but I did. Maybe that's why he hates me? Because I'm not his biologically, but I got a license when he wasn't able to. 
Granted, I haven't managed to get in with a big firm like he did. I couldn't get big 8 (or was it 6 back in his day, I can't remember and he won't tell me), but I got the next largest thing. 
But why can't he be proud of me? 
Why do these kids get a father that still loves them? 
Why can't mine!? 
I wasn't big on sports in high school. But now I play football at the semi-pro level. I have no one to look into the stands for. Mom won't come (not that I'd ask her to) but I want to be able to look into the stand and see someone! Even dad. 
Hell, when we started getting into physical fights, he beat me the first time. Then I started working out, hell, I even bought steroids from some place and used them. He never beat me after the first fight. Probably why he hates me. I became a bigger than him. 
Yet even trading punches, I miss him! 
What do I do on father's day!? I sit at home, drinking my guts out, because the man I want to spend it with doesn't want to see me. 
I went to his wedding! Hell, I was the best man at his wedding! Yet he won't talk to only kid he raised that was at his wedding! 

There is so much I want from my father.
I just wish he would come to my loft, and we could watch Star Wars together or something. I could cook us some great steaks in my super fancy kitchen with every toy, then watch Star Wars on a big TV with surround sound, but no. He never will. 
It's sad that the only person who can bring any emotion to me, is a man that won't talk to me. The only person that brings tears to my eyes, and he won't even see me.
I mailed him a card for Father's Day. He sent it back to me, unopened! Even the cash (yes, cash, because I didn't want to put any extra effort on his end) was left in the card!

I want to love my father, but he won't love me back! Because I'm not his DNA! 
The last words he said to me were "I'm going to forget you." 
That's what he said to me after we both opened up a second DNA test, showing I wasn't his son. He had nothing left in the tank to give me. No more love left. After being raked over the coals, and whatever else, whatever had been eating him up for the 20+ years I had supposedly been his, was gone. I was now on empty. 

Yea. It hurts. I miss him. 
And yea, years later, I'm mad. 

I'm mad that he won't let me love him like a father. 
I'm mad because this is the only topic that will cause me to drink on one of my designated non-drinking nights. 
But I'm most mad because he won't love me like a son! 
Why!? Because of DNA!? Because of a horrible mother. 

I have nothing else to say. 

[/RANT]


----------



## jlg07

"I've talked to my sister-in-law and she said my wife is a blubbering mess. Telling her she always knew this was going to come back to haunt her and that she had tried so hard over the years to make up for what she had done.'

She was NOT remorseful at all, and NO it was NOT a mistake. It was willful, manipulative and about the worst you could to do your spouse. She only admitted to 4 years to cover the length of time for the two kids -- who knows how long she was actually banging the guy - it could have been until he dropped dead.

To protect his assets (he's have to first verify with a lawyer), Don't divorce. Just do a legal separation, separate out all your finances and have her live somewhere else and away from him.

What an AWFUL despicable thing to do.


----------



## jlg07

Ynot said:


> Neither he nor his wife is the same person today that they were 33 years ago. If you are the same person today that you were 33 years ago, then I guess I am talking to a ghost because you are dead. People live, make mistakes and learn. Learning is how we grow. If you can't or don't you die or just remain stuck and bitter for your remaining years on earth.


Cheating, especially for 4 years (or more) is NOT A MISTAKE. You are treating this like she had a car accident. They guy didn't say he wouldn't consider them his daughters -- but how can you say that this is not a WILLFUL act, stupidity or not, that the wife intentionally did? It has nothing to do with, well NOW she is completely different. 
Did you READ how she responded? 
"recognize what a wonderful life we've had together and that we don't want this stupid, hurtful, mistake to ruin it."

In reality, the life was based on a LONG running string of LIES, so how was it so great for HIM? "we don't want this... ruin it" ARE you kidding? THAT's her response?
HE wasn't given a choice if that is how he wanted to live. SHE forced this on him.

Sorry, you seem to be WAY more forgiving for this than I think most men would. This cuts to the very core of being a man and father.


----------



## Herschel

First, reread that. I think the her was him referencing his wife and I don’t think her sister knew.

However, what you have to do is try to look at this objectively. Many people here fly off the cuff and react because that’s the easy animalistic impulse. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but you end up with worse results.

Take away the 4 years of cheating and lying and getting pregnant. This woman had to spend every day of her life with a lie bottles up inside of her. Every time she looked at him, she was reminded of what she did. How can that be a happy life? How could someone try to bottle up that dread when every time your husband walks through the door, you are reminded. Maybe not consciously, but it’s there. It keeps you up at night. It makes you hate yourself.

Given the terror she has kept to herself for 25 years and the guilt she will have for the next 25, how could you want to continue to live like that. She is no longer your wife, but now your slace. And you have no idea where any sort of positivity is coming from. Love, guilt? Then what happens, what happens when you can’t let go. She starts to resent you. You resent her. You will remember it every time you see your daughters. 

Best bet is to leave her, go be a dude and try to yank down some 20 year old snatch. Do that for a couple years and then reevaluate if she is still ready to have you back. Life is short.


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## jlg07

Herschel said:


> First, reread that. I think the her was him referencing his wife and I don’t think her sister knew.
> Yeah I re-read also, and yes I agree -- edited my post to remove that...
> However, what you have to do is try to look at this objectively. Many people here fly off the cuff and react because that’s the easy animalistic impulse. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but you end up with worse results.
> 
> Take away the 4 years of cheating and lying and getting pregnant. This woman had to spend every day of her life with a lie bottles up inside of her. Every time she looked at him, she was reminded of what she did. How can that be a happy life? How could someone try to bottle up that dread when every time your husband walks through the door, you are reminded. Maybe not consciously, but it’s there. It keeps you up at night. It makes you hate yourself.
> And she, in my opinion, deserves EVERY SECOND of that guilt and self-hatred. Odd though, if she was so guilty, she sure seemed to cover it up pretty well with him for all those years. It seems almost pathological that she could do this.


----------



## sokillme

Even if they don't stay together think about what this does to the 2 oldest daughters now. When they get married, that other man will be there in everyone's mind. When he walks them down the aisle, her affair will be the first though on everyone's mind. When they have grand kids. This will be like the elephant in the room. That other man's presence will be there when they are born. When the other biological kids who are his have grand kids will the non biological daughters wonder if their dad secretly loves them more because they are his biological grand kids? 

The level of evil that this women unleashed on her whole family because she wanted some fun, and then because she was a coward. Seriously this is right up there with rape in my mind. Horrendously evil.


----------



## BruceBanner

Herschel said:


> First, reread that. I think the her was him referencing his wife and I don’t think her sister knew.
> 
> However, what you have to do is try to look at this objectively. Many people here fly off the cuff and react because that’s the easy animalistic impulse. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but you end up with worse results.
> 
> Take away the 4 years of cheating and lying and getting pregnant. This woman had to spend every day of her life with a lie bottles up inside of her. Every time she looked at him, she was reminded of what she did. How can that be a happy life? How could someone try to bottle up that dread when every time your husband walks through the door, you are reminded. Maybe not consciously, but it’s there. It keeps you up at night. It makes you hate yourself.
> 
> Given the terror she has kept to herself for 25 years and the guilt she will have for the next 25, how could you want to continue to live like that. She is no longer your wife, but now your slace. And you have no idea where any sort of positivity is coming from. Love, guilt? Then what happens, what happens when you can’t let go. She starts to resent you. You resent her. You will remember it every time you see your daughters.
> 
> Best bet is to leave her, go be a dude and try to yank down some 20 year old snatch. Do that for a couple years and then reevaluate if she is still ready to have you back. Life is short.


I don't believe she was guilty at all. She had no right to resent him. She should resent herself for not even having the decency to tell her husband after the affair was done. She was going to let him die believing he was the father like many women before her have done. Narcissists and Psychopaths do exist and they're very good at faking it.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Ynot said:


> BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
> As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
> If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
> Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.



BS right back at you! Maybe you would like to live in a world of self-delusion and think that the wife gave him 29 years of "marital happiness", but in reality she spent 29 years COMPOUNDING her crime. If that level of self-delusion is what you want, you are welcome to it.


Many posters here will probably remember the national news story about Ariel Castro, a guy in Cleveland, Ohio, who kidnapped three young women and held them for about a decade and sexually abused them during that time:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ariel_Castro_kidnappings


He was sentenced to 1000 years in prison with no possibility of parole after he pled guilty to 937 counts of rape/kidnapping/murder (obviously most of that 937 was the day after day of rape). The crime wasn't a one-time kidnapping of each woman in 2002-2004. Each day he held them captive was another day of crime, until he was caught in 2013.


In a similar fashion, the 29 years you put to the wife's credit in the OP's note is, in my view, 29 years of additional crimes that made things WORSE.


That's 29 years of opportunities to make it right which she never acted upon. Each day she refused to confess was a crime against her husband.


That's 29 years of lost time--until he was TOO OLD to have his own genetic children. That may not matter to you, but all the money, effort, pain and medical manpower spent on fertility treatments in this world says that having your own genetic child means everything for a HUGE portion of the population. There's nothing unnatural about that.


That's 29 years of parental bonding to someone else's child. Most posters indicated that they would not abandon the two children who were the result of the cuckolding after so many years (and despite your attempt to change the definition, that IS the definition). But if the truth came out the day the child was born, before any bonding? I suspect most posters could easily refuse to enter into the paternal relationship. So that's 29 years of encouraging a parental role under false pretenses.


That's 29 years of being saddled with a ruinous financial situation from divorce. If she had revealed the truth in her (their) 20s, then the divorce could have occurred and given him a whole lifetime to rebuild. Now, he loses 1/2 his assets, maybe alimony, 1/2 of any pension/retirement, etc. in his 50s, leaving him little time to build a financial future. Every day of those 29 years she continued to hide the truth was another day of worsening of his financial future. 


So, no, those 29 years of post-affair marriage were NOT to her credit. Every day of those 29 post-affair years, an additional crime was committed against her husband, worsening his situation, and making it less and less likely he could ever rebuild his life. Just like, after the initial kidnapping, Ariel Castro committed additional crimes against his captives.


Hell, even if Ariel Castro committed no offense after the initial kidnapping (ie, no rape/abuse/etc.), just holding them hostage cost them a decade of their life they can never get back. Holding them 10 years is certainly worse than holding them 1 month, because that's 10 years of life lost that they can never rebuild or regain. We don't say, "yes, he initially kidnapped you 10 years ago, but after that he fed you, cared for you, looked after your needs for 10 years, so don't be so hasty about throwing that away." Those 10 years WORSEN the crime. And because the husband in the OP cannot REALLY ever be made whole after 29 years of deceit, those 29 years post affair also worsen the crime in THAT instance too.


----------



## BruceBanner

Andy1001 said:


> A study in Western Europe a while ago found that between 0.9% and 0.6% of men were unknowingly raising another mans child.This was a lot less than previously claimed but nonetheless is still a lot of men.
> Unfortunately the way that these men found out about their cheating wives was when a child needed an organ or bone marrow transplant and the fathers who naturally wanted to save their children were told they weren’t suitable candidates.
> What a terrible way to find out that your wife cheated on you.
> 
> In another instance that I seen myself I had a work colleague in the UK a number of years ago who had a free ride through Cambridge university on his grandparents dime. This was right up to PhD level. His older sister on the other hand works as a nanny.
> It turned out that Mom was cheating and got pregnant to her side piece,and while Dad stuck with her the Grandparents weren’t so forgiving and they held the purse strings.


Wow so the sister suffers while the mother gets to keep her cushy life?


----------



## The Middleman

TheDudeLebowski said:


> After reading this story, the first thought that came to my mind was a bit from Chris Rock about OJ. "I'm not saying he should have killed her ... but I understand"


I was thinking the same thing. The fact is, she is lucky to be alive right now.


----------



## Andy1001

BruceBanner said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> 
> A study in Western Europe a while ago found that between 0.9% and 0.6% of men were unknowingly raising another mans child.This was a lot less than previously claimed but nonetheless is still a lot of men.
> Unfortunately the way that these men found out about their cheating wives was when a child needed an organ or bone marrow transplant and the fathers who naturally wanted to save their children were told they weren’t suitable candidates.
> What a terrible way to find out that your wife cheated on you.
> 
> In another instance that I seen myself I had a work colleague in the UK a number of years ago who had a free ride through Cambridge university on his grandparents dime. This was right up to PhD level. His older sister on the other hand works as a nanny.
> It turned out that Mom was cheating and got pregnant to her side piece,and while Dad stuck with her the Grandparents weren’t so forgiving and they held the purse strings.
> 
> 
> 
> Wow so the sister suffers while the mother gets to keep her cushy life?
Click to expand...

My colleague told me that for his eighteenth birthday his grandparents bought him a new car. His sister who is two years older got a sweater for hers. 
This is old money we are talking about,generations of wealth, and the British upper class doesn’t take kindly to outsiders diluting their DNA.
Not the done thing don’t you know old chap.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Ynot said:


> ...but I would think long and hard before tossing away 33 years of time for something that happened a quarter of a century ago, when BOTH of them were completely different people.


 This woman lied to his face - and their children's faces - *EVERY SINGLE DAY *for the last 25+ years. And the unremorseful liar would have taken it to her grave with her had a good old DNA test not exposed her for the lying POS that she is. Low lives like this woman give all women a bad name.

The mistake you're making is claiming "what she did 25 years ago _*has no bearing on who she is today*_," and that's simply not true. Who she is today, right up until that test exposed her just days or weeks ago, was STILL a lying POS covering up her past. I don't care if she turned into June Cleaver for the last 25 years - that doesn't change the fact that every single day she *chose* to lie to everyone's faces to cover her own sorry, manipulative ass. 

How much *lower* can a woman sink? This man should kick her ass so hard to the curb that her own mother in Peoria feels it.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

sokillme said:


> We get it, suck it up buttercup, he had a good marriage when she wasn't lying to him.....


And therein lies the rub, kiddies.

She's been lying - *non-stop -* for 25+ years. She hasn't been honest with this guy in over a quarter of a century so there's NEVER been a time she wasn't lying to him since the day she started the affair.

So, there's _that_...


----------



## Ynot

I will just leave you crybabies to your pity party where you can all lash out reactively and project your personal miseries onto the world. It is beyond apparent that the OP was not looking for opinions but rather for validation.


----------



## Knips

The fact that she needs 2 hours to rethink her plan... Se lied last 25 years and is still doing so. She only tries to reduce the damage. Maybe she is still cheating as on today and have done so the past 25 years. Maybe she used her 2 hours to contact her AP. Who knows? One thing for sure. Hubby was her plan B .


----------



## personofinterest

I would not fault any man who divorced this woman without ever looking back. In fact if he were standing in front of me right now I would probably offer to drive him to an attorney's office lol.

Beyond that, unless the children were so young they would not remember him, I don't respect any so called pathetic excuse for a man who would leave a child in the dust.It sounds like the man in the situation is an actual man, however, and wants to maintain a relationship with the children who only know him as the father that raised them.


----------



## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> I will just leave you crybabies to your pity party where you can all lash out reactively and project your personal miseries onto the world. It is beyond apparent that the OP was not looking for opinions but rather for validation.


You must've done some very horrific **** in the past to be so defensive over this. What exactly did you do or what made you into what you are today? Also newsflash, *opinions can be argued against*.


----------



## personofinterest

I wouldn't say I agree with ynot's philosophy about this, but I do sort of understand part of it. If we weren't talking about a 4 year affair, I would understand it even more. We humans have a tendency to ignore the 99% and focus on the 1%. We tend to evaluate people's value based on their latest or greatest failure regardless of the rest of their lives. Now understand, in the case of this woman, she perpetuated the lie every day she lived without telling him the truth of her actions. If I were a man I would divorce her absolutely. But I can sympathize with the idea that no one wants to be judged over 40 years of a life well lived based on 1 badd decision or 1 failure. No 1 likes to get a job performance that's negative based on the last 2 weeks being stressful beavin though they've been an excellent employee for 5 years. So I get the thought process, I just don't think it applies here.


----------



## Stormguy2018

BruceBanner said:


> Man you seem incredibly defensive. You don't have to be a saint to not pull some **** like this. He was cuckolded. Do you not even know the definition of the word you are using?
> 
> 
> 
> There. There is the definition of cuckold. What do you mean they have a lot to work on? I don't believe it's possible to recover from something like this. Every time he looks at his wife he will see how the woman he put on a pedestal duped him into raising children from another man and that the majority of his marriage was a lie. Why should he have to make compromises for a psychopath?


What Bruce said, to a T.


----------



## Edmund

Graywolf2 said:


> First if he kills himself that will really mess up his kids. They will think that them not being biologically his was a factor (which it might be).
> 
> I would make an agreement with my wife that no matter how bad it got nether of them could commit suicide due to the kids.
> 
> *Then I would ask her one question*. She got pregnant the first time and didn’t know who the father was. You watched as I was all excited about my first child and my parents ware all excited about what may have been their first grandchild.
> 
> *The question is why couldn’t she start using a condom with her OM after the first kid? *
> 
> She cared so little for her husband that the thought of using a condom with her boy friend never occurred to her. Why would she do that to the second kid?
> 
> Is it that the OM didn't like "showering in a raincoat"? :scratchhead:



Because, as another poster theorized above, she was using the AP as donor sperm. She wanted children, and she concluded at that time that her husband was sterile. There may have never been any romantic relationship with the AP. When it worked the first time, she did it again in order to get the second child. She doesn’t feel guilty any more than any other person using donor egg or sperm. She didn’t tell her husband because she knew by then how strongly he felt about the genetic factor.

My wife and I adopted our only child as an infant. He is almost 30 now. It never mattered one iota to me about him being the child of some anonymous other man. I loved him dearly from the very beginning. We look enough alike that no one would ever question genetic connection. But we never kept it a secret from anyone including him. We have said there is nothing wrong with building a family through adoption. Or from donor eggs or sperm. Recently we did the 23 and me thing to see if son’s birth parents would pop up. They didn’t. But it did show that he and I have enough common genes that the 23 and me analysis considers us to be fifth cousins (very distant relative).

The alarming thing about this post is the thought of suicide over this situation. I hope somebody over on Reddit gives him the hotline number. He still has 3 children and a flawed wife who loves him. He should be grateful for what he has, rather than what he has lost. I would understand if he wanted to separate or divorce from wife, but he could forgive her.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

sokillme said:


> I felt that way when I read AO's story on SI. I thought I would just off myself. But that wouldn't be right to do to the kids. I think it would be time to man up. If people can go to war they can go through something as horrible as this.
> 
> As bad as this is people have been through worse. Kids live through parents trying to kill them. He is only 54 he could have a real marriage with someone that is just as long if he meets someone else soon. His life doesn't have to end. He still has his kids, though it will be weird at first with the 2 oldest. I don't know though maybe it wouldn't be, it's not like they changed or anything. They were not lying. Plus his youngest are his. If it does change it's entirely her fault.
> 
> If he moves on he will probably recover. I don't think he will if he stays in the sham of a marriage. Then he might as well just do it.


Well I've already made up my mind that I would never remarry if I got divorced. Just my own personal thing. Marriage is a once in a life commitment. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to tell another women "till death do us part" and all that. Sort of cheapens those words to me if you already spoke them to another. Also, statistically its not a smart move either. Would you buy a car with a 65% chance of engine failure within the first 5 years? Probably not. I dont care how attractive it looks. 

And I didn't say I would off myself. Although to be honest, there is a good reason I've been too scared to ever own a gun and will not ever own one. Has nothing to do with a fear of what could happen to others. More of a recognition that its probably not wise for myself. 

No, I would just go be alone for a long time. Years, perhaps decades. Build a cabin. Grow zucchini. Make my own candles. I would go self reliant in the woods somewhere and just be alone. Not saying it's the manly thing to do. Just saying I wouldn't be able to stay and I would need to be alone for a long while. Preferably somewhere without much or any access to alcohol, otherwise, might as well own that gun you know?


----------



## Edmund

Knips said:


> There is a story i have read on SI. A woman had cheated on her husband many years. Her lover died in a car accident. In her grief she started loving her husband again and she became the best wife the hubby could imagine. The woman did therapy and realised what harm she had done with her hubby if he would find out. Many years lated hubby find out. The marriage is destroyed. The grief even caused a heart attack with the hubby. The hubby couldn't handle the infidility and eventually divorced. In her grief the WW eventually comitted suicide, leaving 2 children and a devestated husband behind. I say this as an example how devestating infidility can be after many years. I would not be able to stay with the WW, even with risk of suicide.



Yes, that was another case where forgiveness would have been better. But you did not mention that, in that case, the wife had wild monkey sex with the affair partner and documented it all in a journal and photographs. That would be very hard for anyone to forgive.


----------



## personofinterest

I hear the phrase wild monkey sex on forums all the time period have any of you people ever actually watched monkeys have sex?? It's not all that exciting lol


----------



## syhoybenden

sokillme said:


> My first question would be did she go to this guys funeral? That would be a big tell. Not that I would want anything to do with her. Though someone pointed out she had 2 hours to come up with a story, and it's convenient that her AP happens to be dead. Maybe she picked him just because he is. To cover for the real AP? He may never know.
> 
> I


This is a very good point.

This whole thing hinges on the words of a traitor, a liar, a schemer, a scammer.

For all anyone knows she may have just gone underground for now, a hiatus till the heat is off.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

personofinterest said:


> I hear the phrase wild monkey sex on forums all the time period have any of you people ever actually watched monkeys have sex?? It's not all that exciting lol


Are you kidding? Those big swollen red glistening monkey asses? How could you not be turned on? But seriously, I think they're talking more about the wild, aggressive behavior of monkeys in general rather than how they have sex.


----------



## Taxman

There is an interesting idea, have the dead OMs kids DNA tested as a comparison. If they test out as siblings, lay a half million dollar claim on his estate. Let his own children curse him.


----------



## dadstartingover

These cheap DNA tests are making things VERY interesting for a lot of families.

I've said this before: The woman should be buried under the prison. Short of killing her children, there's nothing worse she could've done to the man. Nothing.


----------



## Evinrude58

Broken at 20 said:


> I'll openly admit my projection (though whether other posters are/will is up for debate). There's a lot that I wish could happen.
> 
> Why can't I have a man like him (OP) as my father? I want my dad back.
> I went into accounting because my father was in accounting. My father never got his CPA license, but I did. Maybe that's why he hates me? Because I'm not his biologically, but I got a license when he wasn't able to.
> Granted, I haven't managed to get in with a big firm like he did. I couldn't get big 8 (or was it 6 back in his day, I can't remember and he won't tell me), but I got the next largest thing.
> But why can't he be proud of me?
> Why do these kids get a father that still loves them?
> Why can't mine!?
> I wasn't big on sports in high school. But now I play football at the semi-pro level. I have no one to look into the stands for. Mom won't come (not that I'd ask her to) but I want to be able to look into the stand and see someone! Even dad.
> Hell, when we started getting into physical fights, he beat me the first time. Then I started working out, hell, I even bought steroids from some place and used them. He never beat me after the first fight. Probably why he hates me. I became a bigger than him.
> Yet even trading punches, I miss him!
> What do I do on father's day!? I sit at home, drinking my guts out, because the man I want to spend it with doesn't want to see me.
> I went to his wedding! Hell, I was the best man at his wedding! Yet he won't talk to only kid he raised that was at his wedding!
> 
> There is so much I want from my father.
> I just wish he would come to my loft, and we could watch Star Wars together or something. I could cook us some great steaks in my super fancy kitchen with every toy, then watch Star Wars on a big TV with surround sound, but no. He never will.
> It's sad that the only person who can bring any emotion to me, is a man that won't talk to me. The only person that brings tears to my eyes, and he won't even see me.
> I mailed him a card for Father's Day. He sent it back to me, unopened! Even the cash (yes, cash, because I didn't want to put any extra effort on his end) was left in the card!
> 
> I want to love my father, but he won't love me back! Because I'm not his DNA!
> The last words he said to me were "I'm going to forget you."
> That's what he said to me after we both opened up a second DNA test, showing I wasn't his son. He had nothing left in the tank to give me. No more love left. After being raked over the coals, and whatever else, whatever had been eating him up for the 20+ years I had supposedly been his, was gone. I was now on empty.
> 
> Yea. It hurts. I miss him.
> And yea, years later, I'm mad.
> 
> I'm mad that he won't let me love him like a father.
> I'm mad because this is the only topic that will cause me to drink on one of my designated non-drinking nights.
> But I'm most mad because he won't love me like a son!
> Why!? Because of DNA!? Because of a horrible mother.
> 
> I have nothing else to say.
> 
> [/RANT]


Your story is sad. Your "dad" is jealous of you and HIT you???!!!! He finds out you're not "his" after rearing you from a young age????

Dude, your "dad" is not a real man and doesn't deserve you as a son. As you said, he "has nothing left in the tank"....... NO!!!!! He never had it "in the tank", because real love never runs out. One may get tired of loving someone if they're mistreated long enough (YOU should be that kind of person), but it takes a lot---- after all your dad has put you through, have YOU run out of love for him? Hell no! He shouldn't either.

The kids in this story, YOU in your story----- they had nothing at all to do with this disgusting sham. It's all on mom. I personally would see you and these two kids as my adopted children and would love them NO LESS no matter what happened. I couldn't stop loving them even if I wanted to. They truly ARE his kids. DNA on a thing like this means nothing. Does a mother of an adopted child love her child any less than a biological mother? Heck no!

Your story is really awful. Please put your dad behind you and pursue relationships with people who truly care for you. You need to realize that your dad is a bad person. No normal man treats a son this way. And it makes no damn difference if he's your bio dad or not. Love is love.

We are all commanded to love our neighbor as ourselves. I fall short on that one a lot. But by golly, at LEAST we ought to be able to love a KID regardless of whose DNA they have. I personally have HUNDREDS of kids that I love and worry about. Few of them carry my DNA. 

Geez. people amaze me. Some people are truly hard to love.
Rant over.


----------



## Evinrude58

dadstartingover said:


> These cheap DNA tests are making things VERY interesting for a lot of families.
> 
> I've said this before: The woman should be buried under the prison. Short of killing her children, there's nothing worse she could've done to the man. Nothing.


I almost agree, but I also think if she's not in prison for a good while, that she should be shunned. Horrible thing to do. The guy is considering suicide. I wouldn't. He still has three kids who love him. He has opportunity to find a woman that loves him. His life is far from over. But the horrible deeds that have been done to him will leave a lasting scar, even if they begin to heal. Sickening.


----------



## sokillme

BruceBanner said:


> Wow so the sister suffers while the mother gets to keep her cushy life?





> between 0.9% and 0.6% of men


This is only the ones who found out though. There is probably a lot more who blissfully don't know yet.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> I would not fault any man who divorced this woman without ever looking back. In fact if he were standing in front of me right now I would probably offer to drive him to an attorney's office lol.
> 
> Beyond that, unless the children were so young they would not remember him, I don't respect any so called pathetic excuse for a man who would leave a child in the dust.It sounds like the man in the situation is an actual man, however, and wants to maintain a relationship with the children who only know him as the father that raised them.


Even if he wants to act like nothing happened though, just looking at them will be a trigger for him. They will probably feel the same way with him as well. This is why it's so awful. Their relationship will forever be tainted, even their relationship with their half brother will be tainted. I would hope all men would be able to overcome something so awful but if they can't I understand. It's terrible but it is her fault not his. Also if the kids are under 2 I say move on if you want to, it's not like they will remember.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> Even if he wants to act like nothing happened though, just looking at them will be a trigger for him. They will probably feel the same way with him as well. This is why it's so awful. Their relationship will forever be tainted, even their relationship with their half brother will be tainted. I would hope all men would be able to overcome something so awful but if they can't I understand. It's terrible but it is her fault not his. Also if the kids are under 2 I say move on if you want to, it's not like they will remember.


There will definitely be a struggle for awhile.

But as for long term - it will only be as tainted as they CHOOSE to allow it to be.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> I wouldn't say I agree with ynot's philosophy about this, but I do sort of understand part of it. If we weren't talking about a 4 year affair, I would understand it even more. We humans have a tendency to ignore the 99% and focus on the 1%. We tend to evaluate people's value based on their latest or greatest failure regardless of the rest of their lives. Now understand, in the case of this woman, she perpetuated the lie every day she lived without telling him the truth of her actions. If I were a man I would divorce her absolutely. But I can sympathize with the idea that no one wants to be judged over 40 years of a life well lived based on 1 badd decision or 1 failure. No 1 likes to get a job performance that's negative based on the last 2 weeks being stressful beavin though they've been an excellent employee for 5 years. So I get the thought process, I just don't think it applies here.


I understand that but that is not how things work in society. If you rape someone you are forever known as a rapist, same if you kill someone. Something like this, which I would argue is just as or almost as horrific as this have lifetime consequences. It's like drunk driving and killing someone, the ramifications of that are life long. That's how it works. And why shouldn't they be, this family will now suffer life long consequences as well.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Ynot said:


> All you dudes need to get a life and stop projecting your pain onto the rest of the world. The OP posted a question, which apparently he only did do to gain validation for whatever he already believes, not to actually hear other view points. I stated my POV, you disagreed, now you guys can go back to crying on each others shoulders and having pity parties for yourselves.


You're the only one that seems to be internalizing this story. Everyone else is justifiably castigating this awful woman (monster) that committed parental fraud on this poor dude. For some odd reason you seem ready to offer her an olive branch and write it off as some youthful indiscretion. A youthful indiscretion that broke one man and sent 2 children lives into doubt. She is fit for one thing, grazing with cows.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> I understand that but that is not how things work in society. If you rape someone you are forever known as a rapist, same if you kill someone. Something like this, which I would argue is just as or almost as horrific as this have lifetime consequences. It's like drunk driving and killing someone, the ramifications of that are life long. That's how it works. And why shouldn't they be, this family will now suffer life long consequences as well.


Yep. If you had chosen to read my entire post, I repeatedly said that THIS situation doesn't apply, I'd divorce her in a hot minute, etc.

Some things ARE lifelong.

I was just identifying with the general idea.


----------



## MattMatt

He is contemplating suicide, poor, poor man.


----------



## personofinterest

MattMatt said:


> He is contemplating suicide, poor, poor man.


I hope he has the support he needs. As one who survived a suicide attempt, I know that dark place.

I hope that he is able to walk the path from wanting anything to escape the pain to living a full life again. Especially for the two young women who love him dearly no matter what a genetic test says.


----------



## Yeswecan

personofinterest said:


> I hear the phrase wild monkey sex on forums all the time period have any of you people ever actually watched monkeys have sex?? It's not all that exciting lol


I wonder if the monkeys see human sex as not exiting at all. :laugh:


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I seriously hope the man doesn't off himself, what an awful thing to do the kids. They are already suffering betrayal and loss because of their mother. Also, Ynot stated that some here suggested that he sever his relationship with them, but I've not seen that mentioned here at all, anyone else?

My XH found out his daughter (my SD) wasn't his when she was 19. When he and I first got together, he and SD had a very close relationship, she was pretty much a daddy's girl. He had said that he had suspicions that she wasn't really his, as they did not look anything alike and she was so much like her mother. His XW had been having an affair the last few years they were married, that is what ended the marriage, and he had always believed she had cheated in the past before that, but never had proof. 

So, once SD turned 18 and didn't go into college, her child support ended, and I guess mom thought it the perfect time to try and prove paternity so she could try and milk some money out of the other guy if he was really dad. I guess she had started talking to SD about this, because she had basically poofed out of my X's life by that time. He had tried reaching out but she eventually became non responsive, and we had no clue what was going on with her. So stepson informs us that mom had a DNA test done, and lo and behold, my XH was NOT her dad and revealed who was. (he went behind his mother's back to tell us this info, because she was not going to bother to let him know!) Turned out to be someone he had suspected all along. 

Our marriage didn't stand a chance after all this, because my ex HATES women. He was bitter before all this came out, and once it did, it fueled so much hatred in him towards women, and I was the closest target. He is a hermit, he doesn't even talk to his son any more, and has basically shunned his whole family. He always had some issues, but this was the fatal blow.


----------



## MyRevelation

Ynot said:


> My empathy meter works just fine. It seems to be yours that is broken. Some of you even seem to suggest that the H should cut off ties to the daughters he has raised from infancy. Talk about lack of empathy. Look I get it, some of you were hurt when your wives cheated on you and so you endlessly project your pain. But in this case the guy has built a life with this woman, raised a family and invested more than half his life. But because you were cheated on, you think he should just toss it all aside. You can't even fathom how he might take time to consider EVERYTHING instead of just reacting as you all feel you would. The OP asked "what would you do in this situation?" I answered what I would do. But apparently that isn't what any of you butthurt clowns wanted to hear. Instead you wanted validation. Sorry, but you and your pals need to stop your self pity and start to live and think again.


It shouldn't surprise me, but sometimes I just SMDH at the stuff some men will take from a woman and then defend it/them till Hell freezes over. I don't have a personal point of reference to compare it to, but its almost like they get off on the abuse and humiliation. 

For whatever reason, they just never learned the basic premise that you don't kiss the ass that's ****ting on you.

In your case however, you seem to take it to another level by feeling the need to insult and drag down men who actually stand up for themselves. I'm guessing there's a lot of self-hatred that's directed at those who are what you are not.


----------



## SunCMars

Ynot said:


> Do not feel sorry for me. I have plenty of self respect. It is just that I do not tie mine to something some one else did 25 years ago. As I said I would have to consider the more recent behavior, which is evidence of her maturing and learning and not pin everything to *things she did 25 years ago when we were both different people.* But FTR, since you seem to also be wont to reply in a knee jerk manner. I said I didn't know if the marriage could or could not survive but there would be a lot of work required. OTOH, I do feel sad for anyone who has such a dogmatic and inflexible outlook on life.


Off topic to "Why not" :

Does this apply to Judge Kavanaugh, if he were guilty as Dr. Ford claims?

We are looking for forgiving a past sin here. It does loosely apply.


----------



## personofinterest

> Our marriage didn't stand a chance after all this, because my ex HATES women. He was bitter before all this came out, and once it did, it fueled so much hatred in him towards women, and I was the closest target. He is a hermit, he doesn't even talk to his son any more, and has basically shunned his whole family. He always had some issues, but this was the fatal blow.


It's a shame when a man is so weak and bitter that he gives his power over to ONE woman who hurts him and allows her to define his life and define all females. It's the epitome of the bad version of beta.


----------



## GusPolinski

personofinterest said:


> I wouldn't say I agree with ynot's philosophy about this, but I do sort of understand part of it. If we weren't talking about a 4 year affair, I would understand it even more. We humans have a tendency to ignore the 99% and focus on the 1%. We tend to evaluate people's value based on their latest or greatest failure regardless of the rest of their lives. Now understand, in the case of this woman, she perpetuated the lie every day she lived without telling him the truth of her actions. If I were a man I would divorce her absolutely. But I can sympathize with the idea that no one wants to be judged over 40 years of a life well lived based on 1 badd decision or 1 failure. No 1 likes to get a job performance that's negative based on the last 2 weeks being stressful beavin though they've been an excellent employee for 5 years. So I get the thought process, I just don't think it applies here.


Given that there’s far more than “one bad decision” or “one failure” here, that sentiment doesn’t even come close to applying.


----------



## personofinterest

GusPolinski said:


> Given that there’s far more than “one bad decision” or “one failure” here, that sentiment doesn’t even come close to applying.


If people could read the entirety of my posts and use basic comprehension skills, that'd be great.....



> *I wouldn't say I agree* with ynot's philosophy about this, but I do sort of understand part of it. *If we weren't talking about a 4 year affair,* I would understand it even more. We humans have a tendency to ignore the 99% and focus on the 1%. We tend to evaluate people's value based on their latest or greatest failure regardless of the rest of their lives. Now understand, *in the case of this woman, she perpetuated the lie every day she lived without telling him the truth of her actions. If I were a man I would divorce her absolutely.* But I can sympathize with the idea that no one wants to be judged over 40 years of a life well lived based on 1 badd decision or 1 failure. No 1 likes to get a job performance that's negative based on the last 2 weeks being stressful beavin though they've been an excellent employee for 5 years. So I get the thought process, *I just don't think it applies here.*


----------



## GusPolinski

personofinterest said:


> If people could read the entirety of my posts and use basic comprehension skills, that'd be great.....


LOL. I understood.

Still, there’s a huge difference between “Dang, that juuuuust missed the mark” and “Holy crap that wasn’t even close”.


----------



## SunCMars

The thing is...

For real there are no Saints on TAM, nary a one.

To forgive such outright lies would take a Saint.

I would be such a Saint under 'Ideal" conditions.

Conditions that this 'armchair' Saint has yet to face.

I would forgive her if 'her' children and mine counseled me to do so.
Especially, if her two daughters, those not genetically mine urged me to.

If I forgave her, I would need their backing.
If I forgave her, laid in that future bed with her, made love to her, I would need their blessing.

If there were no children to curse me, look down at me, yes....

I might overlook four years of her getting more than her share of loving.
Her going outside the marriage to get some other penis.

It is in the distant past.
She has been loyal since.

Provided:
She is treating me well. 
In life and in bed.

I would forgive her is she were indeed, now grown up, she, mature and into me, only me.

This business of her having another man's children, not really concerned who is their daddy.

Yes, that is a joint concern.

She had better be good in all ways since this tragic affair.
She had better be good until the end.

Good in life, good in living together, good in bed.


Just Sayin'


.....................................................................................

Sitting in an armchair, chewing on my thoughts.
Hoping I could, indeed be a Saint.

I can be a Saint, under ideal conditions. 

Not under Holy conditions. 

Me, not being beaten down, a mortal being tested.
No sir.

Not under Holy Hell conditions.
Her "ever' having the upper hand.

I would not want the upper hand.
Nor employ it.

I would want the loving hand, a hand that would stroke me properly to my end.
The end of my life.

If she does so, 'this' behavior from guilt, laden over with love, sobeit.

If she is willing to make up for her egregious 'errors'.
Myself, hers' and my children being the beneficiaries of this loving guilt?

Think then of her burden. Everyone would know what she did. Know that her two older daughters were out-of-wedlock love children.
The shame she must carry.
And she should bear this burden.

Aye.

If she is willing to make up for her sins...
Lay it on me. Stroke me silly.
Treat yours and our children well.

I would tell my wayward wife this.
I would "burden' her with this tasking.

I would graciously receive her lifelong stroking and not rub it in. 
I would make every effort not to bring her past errors up.
As long as she heaped love on all of us.

A small price for such sins as these.

Nope, she would have to treat me and mine very nice......henceforth.


She would spend half her life in bed making up for this, just kidding!!
A nice thought, though...
Not practical.

Only a little Saintly.


Aaay?

Aye!



[THRD]


----------



## Knips

Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow. No matter is has been last week or 25 years ago. Plus the fact that she lied 25 years about the children. This isn just a little mistake from 25 years ago. She got 2 times pregnant from another man. This shows she had totally no respect for her husband. How can you expect that the husband just sweeps this under the rug. Even if the last 25 years where happy, they where not real, but all a lie. No normal person with normal feelings can accept such betrayal. This has nothing to do with Alpha or Beta. This has to do with trust and loving each other. I cannot accept that the WW loved her husband. A woman who really loves her husband cannot keep this betrayal going on for so long. Probably she was co- dependant. The safe choice. The hubby, good father and source of income.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

personofinterest said:


> It's a shame when a man is so weak and bitter that he gives his power over to ONE woman who hurts him and allows her to define his life and define all females. It's the epitome of the bad version of beta.


She did a pretty good job of defining atleast part of his life as false by committing parental fraud. Its sad that it translated over into his next relationship, but she ****ed him over pretty good.

Just think of people that get wounded by a rabid dog, and then go on to have an irrational fear of all dogs. You can tell the fellow its the nicest dog and wouldn't hurt a butterfly, but all he sees are vicious canine teeth that will rip his flesh. Fight or flight kicks in. Some people channel fear into cowardice towards the object, some into anger. 

Not to get all Dr. Phil or whatever.


----------



## personofinterest

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> She did a pretty good job of defining atleast part of his life as false by committing parental fraud. Its sad that it translated over into his next relationship, but she fked him over pretty good.
> 
> Just think of people that get wounded by a rabid dog, and then go on to have an irrational fear of all dogs. You can tell the fellow its the nicest dog and wouldn't hurt a butterfly, but all he sees are vicious canine teeth that will rip his flesh. Fight or flight kicks in. Some people channel fear into cowardice towards the object, some into anger.
> 
> Not to get all Dr. Phil or whatever.


There's a difference between an instinctual fear response after a dog attack, and deciding to hate all dogs, ranting about how awful all dogs are, kicking all dogs, etc.


----------



## GusPolinski

Knips said:


> Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow. No matter is has been last week or 25 years ago. Plus the fact that she lied 25 years about the children. This isn just a little mistake from 25 years ago. She got 2 times pregnant from another man. This shows she had totally no respect for her husband. How can you expect that the husband just sweeps this under the rug. *Even if the last 25 years where happy, they where not real, but all a lie.* No normal person with normal feelings can accept such betrayal. This has nothing to do with Alpha or Beta. This has to do with trust and loving each other. I cannot accept that the WW loved her husband. A woman who really loves her husband cannot keep this betrayal going on for so long. Probably she was co- dependant. The safe choice. The hubby, good father and source of income.


Exactly correct.

Some people place a premium on truth, while others are happy being lied to, just so long as the lie is a happy one.


----------



## GusPolinski

personofinterest said:


> It's a shame when a man is so weak and bitter that he gives his power over to ONE woman who hurts him and allows her to define his life and define all females. It's the epitome of the bad version of beta.


That’s not really beta. Or alpha, for that matter.

That’s just toxic dysfunction.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

personofinterest said:


> I know. I just used the term beta cause men like that think they are being alpha, so I knew it would really push their MGTOW buttons lol


Nothing wrong with MGTOW. Some guy in another forum had 2 failed marriages, both ending in infidelity. So, now he swears off all women completely. Not because he considers himself MGTOW, but because he says he has no use for them. He's a little bitter, but he doesn't take it out on women, he just doesn't want anything to do with them.


----------



## MyRevelation

personofinterest said:


> Although I would like to ask....do you love your wife?


Yes I do, but admittedly, it's not like it was pre-A.

... and I certainly don't hate women, but I don't trust like I did before, especially certain demographic subsets that seem prone to making poor life decisions.


----------



## personofinterest

MyRevelation said:


> Yes I do, but admittedly, it's not like it was pre-A.
> 
> ... and I certainly don't hate women, but I don't trust like I did before, especially certain demographic subsets that seem prone to making poor life decisions.


That isn't woman-hating, that's just good sense and life.

There are places and people I will always have my guard up with as well due to certain life experiences. I protect myself now in ways I never used to.

Sometimes those things are not a sign of hate; they are just necessities.

I don't turn the other cheek like I used to.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator warning: *

Please, no more threadjacks.

If you want an off topic debate on MGTOW, etc., this is not the place for it.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> If people could read the entirety of my posts and use basic comprehension skills, that'd be great.....


Personally I think when it comes to infidelity I don't hold it against the person who was cheated on if they tend to judge the person who cheated on them by that one event. Even if it is one time or a long time ago. Assuming a normal faithful marriage/relationship with a standard set of problems, I see infidelity, even one time at the level of like rape. It's a life changing betrayal that has life long consequences for the one being cheated on. It's really that awful a thing to do to someone.


----------



## personofinterest

Yes, there are some things from which a relationship just cannot recover. And there is no weakness or shame in saying, "This I cannot abide."

I am adopted, and I know prior to deciding to adopt, my mother went through immense pain knowing she couldn't have children biologically. Carrying a child of your own is something that most women are very primal about. It is like the very essence of womanhood (yes yes yes I know not all women, calm down Gloria). I have gathered that for men, their "seed" finding root (or however you want to express it) is the manhood equivalent. My parents KNEW they were adopting me.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to find out that the biological link you thought you had doesn't exist. Think about all the cases where an adopted child finds out as an adult they were adopted. 

I fully understand why a man wouldn't be able to remain married to a woman who did that. I don't understand a man who could abandon the children he raised. Because he IS their father. Luckily, the OP is a better man than that.


----------



## syhoybenden

Hmm. You think she went "all primal" about sneaking a couple of bastards into her and HER HUSBAND'S nest.

I'll bet she really got off on that.


----------



## sokillme

The interesting thing is through the whole marriage this woman's primary motivation was herself. When she cheated on him it was for herself, when she decided to change her ways, it was for herself. When she lied to him and took away his choice it was for herself, while pretending in her own mind that she was doing him a favor. Even when she came out of the room after being caught, her little speech was about how great their marriage was and not to throw it all away because of her mistake (i.e. don't make me have to fact the consequences of my actions). She thinks the last 25 years were for him but if she really loved him she would have given him a choice and the ability to have his own destiny. 

What I find interesting with all cheaters is, even the ones who swear they love their spouses after they are caught, when they cry they never cry for the hurt they caused they cry for what they lost. I related it to the Netflix series I am a killer. Interviews with all these folks that admit they killed someone else. Not one of them says, "You know what, being in prison is better then I deserve." I know if I did that, that would be my thought. I deserve to be dead. If I cheated like that my thought would be I don't deserve to be married, whatever it takes to make it right for my betrayed spouse who cares what happens to me. But then again that is why I don't do it. 

It's the mindset. They are all so entitled. I think if you are young and dating or if you are starting over that entitlement is really something I would try very hard to hone in on as that seems to always be quite clear with cheaters.


----------



## personofinterest

syhoybenden said:


> Hmm. You think she went "all primal" about sneaking a couple of bastards into her and HER HUSBAND'S nest.
> 
> I'll bet she really got off on that.


Or...we could see my comment for what it was. An attempt at empathy over what the OP must be feeling.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Broken at 20 said:


> I'll openly admit my projection (though whether other posters are/will is up for debate). There's a lot that I wish could happen.
> 
> Why can't I have a man like him (OP) as my father? I want my dad back.
> I went into accounting because my father was in accounting. My father never got his CPA license, but I did. Maybe that's why he hates me? Because I'm not his biologically, but I got a license when he wasn't able to.
> Granted, I haven't managed to get in with a big firm like he did. I couldn't get big 8 (or was it 6 back in his day, I can't remember and he won't tell me), but I got the next largest thing.
> But why can't he be proud of me?
> Why do these kids get a father that still loves them?
> Why can't mine!?
> I wasn't big on sports in high school. But now I play football at the semi-pro level. I have no one to look into the stands for. Mom won't come (not that I'd ask her to) but I want to be able to look into the stand and see someone! Even dad.
> Hell, when we started getting into physical fights, he beat me the first time. Then I started working out, hell, I even bought steroids from some place and used them. He never beat me after the first fight. Probably why he hates me. I became a bigger than him.
> Yet even trading punches, I miss him!
> What do I do on father's day!? I sit at home, drinking my guts out, because the man I want to spend it with doesn't want to see me.
> I went to his wedding! Hell, I was the best man at his wedding! Yet he won't talk to only kid he raised that was at his wedding!
> 
> There is so much I want from my father.
> I just wish he would come to my loft, and we could watch Star Wars together or something. I could cook us some great steaks in my super fancy kitchen with every toy, then watch Star Wars on a big TV with surround sound, but no. He never will.
> It's sad that the only person who can bring any emotion to me, is a man that won't talk to me. The only person that brings tears to my eyes, and he won't even see me.
> I mailed him a card for Father's Day. He sent it back to me, unopened! Even the cash (yes, cash, because I didn't want to put any extra effort on his end) was left in the card!
> 
> I want to love my father, but he won't love me back! Because I'm not his DNA!
> The last words he said to me were "I'm going to forget you."
> That's what he said to me after we both opened up a second DNA test, showing I wasn't his son. He had nothing left in the tank to give me. No more love left. After being raked over the coals, and whatever else, whatever had been eating him up for the 20+ years I had supposedly been his, was gone. I was now on empty.
> 
> Yea. It hurts. I miss him.
> And yea, years later, I'm mad.
> 
> I'm mad that he won't let me love him like a father.
> I'm mad because this is the only topic that will cause me to drink on one of my designated non-drinking nights.
> But I'm most mad because he won't love me like a son!
> Why!? Because of DNA!? Because of a horrible mother.
> 
> I have nothing else to say.
> 
> [/RANT]


 Man, I don't know what to say except I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. 
Like @Evinrude58 said the man you call Dad is weak. He's no dad or a father, I'm not sure parent would apply ( maybe because he raised you to 20), but one thing you should be extremely ecstatic about is that you DON'T have the genes of such a despicable person coursing through your body. Consider it a blessing instead of a curse. I'm sure your life and children (when you have them) will be blessed and a far better thing because of the antipodean lesson gained by what he has put you through.
Stay strong, carry on and leave him in your taillights where he belongs.


----------



## Ynot

MyRevelation said:


> It shouldn't surprise me, but sometimes I just SMDH at the stuff some men will take from a woman and then defend it/them till Hell freezes over. I don't have a personal point of reference to compare it to, but its almost like they get off on the abuse and humiliation.
> 
> For whatever reason, they just never learned the basic premise that you don't kiss the ass that's ****ting on you.
> 
> In your case however, you seem to take it to another level by feeling the need to insult and drag down men who actually stand up for themselves. I'm guessing there's a lot of self-hatred that's directed at those who are what you are not.



I am not dragging down men who stand up for themselves. I am dragging down boys who can't tolerate a different opinion and feel the need to make wild accusations at anyone who denies them the validation they seem to seek. Like you for instance.


----------



## Ynot

SunCMars said:


> Off topic to "Why not" :
> 
> Does this apply to Judge Kavanaugh, if he were guilty as Dr. Ford claims?
> 
> We are looking for forgiving a past sin here. It does loosely apply.


Do any of you understand the concept of consideration? I said I would consider her recent behavior just as I would similarly consider Kavanaugh's. In neither case have I said I could or would forgive, forget, reconcile or anything of the sort. I simply said I would CONSIDER things in their entirety as opposed to the dogmatic, closed minded way that some of you do. Even the simple suggestion of consideration is enough to push all the validation seeking immature man-boys over the edge. I also said I didn't know if the marriage could survive and if it did it would require a lot of work. That is not enough for all the he-man women haters. And the kicker is I come to find out that at least one of the children who attempted to denigrate me, is doing the exact same thing with his own wife (who cheated on him) as I suggested.


----------



## SunCMars

Ynot said:


> Do any of you understand the concept of consideration? I said I would consider her recent behavior just as I would similarly consider Kavanaugh's. In neither case have I said I could or would forgive, forget, reconcile or anything of the sort. I simply said I would CONSIDER things in their entirety as opposed to the dogmatic, closed minded way that some of you do. Even the simple suggestion of consideration is enough to push all the validation seeking immature man-boys over the edge. I also said I didn't know if the marriage could survive and if it did it would require a lot of work. That is not enough for all the he-man women haters. And the kicker is I come to find out that at least one of the children who attempted to denigrate me, is doing the exact same thing with his own wife (who cheated on him) as I suggested.


OK..

Sorry to see you come unwound.

Spit out the bitter root.

Life is short.


----------



## sokillme

Broken at 20 said:


> I'll openly admit my projection (though whether other posters are/will is up for debate). There's a lot that I wish could happen.
> 
> Why can't I have a man like him (OP) as my father? I want my dad back.
> I went into accounting because my father was in accounting. My father never got his CPA license, but I did. Maybe that's why he hates me? Because I'm not his biologically, but I got a license when he wasn't able to.
> Granted, I haven't managed to get in with a big firm like he did. I couldn't get big 8 (or was it 6 back in his day, I can't remember and he won't tell me), but I got the next largest thing.
> But why can't he be proud of me?
> Why do these kids get a father that still loves them?
> Why can't mine!?
> I wasn't big on sports in high school. But now I play football at the semi-pro level. I have no one to look into the stands for. Mom won't come (not that I'd ask her to) but I want to be able to look into the stand and see someone! Even dad.
> Hell, when we started getting into physical fights, he beat me the first time. Then I started working out, hell, I even bought steroids from some place and used them. He never beat me after the first fight. Probably why he hates me. I became a bigger than him.
> Yet even trading punches, I miss him!
> What do I do on father's day!? I sit at home, drinking my guts out, because the man I want to spend it with doesn't want to see me.
> I went to his wedding! Hell, I was the best man at his wedding! Yet he won't talk to only kid he raised that was at his wedding!
> 
> There is so much I want from my father.
> I just wish he would come to my loft, and we could watch Star Wars together or something. I could cook us some great steaks in my super fancy kitchen with every toy, then watch Star Wars on a big TV with surround sound, but no. He never will.
> It's sad that the only person who can bring any emotion to me, is a man that won't talk to me. The only person that brings tears to my eyes, and he won't even see me.
> I mailed him a card for Father's Day. He sent it back to me, unopened! Even the cash (yes, cash, because I didn't want to put any extra effort on his end) was left in the card!
> 
> I want to love my father, but he won't love me back! Because I'm not his DNA!
> The last words he said to me were "I'm going to forget you."
> That's what he said to me after we both opened up a second DNA test, showing I wasn't his son. He had nothing left in the tank to give me. No more love left. After being raked over the coals, and whatever else, whatever had been eating him up for the 20+ years I had supposedly been his, was gone. I was now on empty.
> 
> Yea. It hurts. I miss him.
> And yea, years later, I'm mad.
> 
> I'm mad that he won't let me love him like a father.
> I'm mad because this is the only topic that will cause me to drink on one of my designated non-drinking nights.
> But I'm most mad because he won't love me like a son!
> Why!? Because of DNA!? Because of a horrible mother.
> 
> I have nothing else to say.
> 
> [/RANT]


I remember reading your thread. I am sorry it hasn't gotten better for you. I wish you could take some of that hope you project to your Dad and put it on something or someone who is worthy. 

How old are you?


----------



## SunCMars

Ynot said:


> WTH are you talking about "unwound"? I have been more than patient trying to explain to you bitter enders what I have said. All you are able to do is muster some knee jerk response in return. You really need to get a grip on reality, because *your irrationality is really showing*.


Yes, yes it is. :smile2:

We are happy in our irrationality. :grin2:

Reality sucks! :frown2:

If we get a grip on it, it burns and tears free from our palms. :|



The HeadMates >


----------



## personofinterest

Regard list of the arguments surrounding his situation, I hope the original poster comes back and reassures us that this man has been convinced not to take his life.


----------



## seadoug105

Broken at 20 said:


> I'll openly admit my projection (though whether other posters are/will is up for debate). There's a lot that I wish could happen.
> 
> Why can't I have a man like him (OP) as my father? I want my dad back.
> I went into accounting because my father was in accounting. My father never got his CPA license, but I did. Maybe that's why he hates me? Because I'm not his biologically, but I got a license when he wasn't able to.
> Granted, I haven't managed to get in with a big firm like he did. I couldn't get big 8 (or was it 6 back in his day, I can't remember and he won't tell me), but I got the next largest thing.
> But why can't he be proud of me?
> Why do these kids get a father that still loves them?
> Why can't mine!?
> I wasn't big on sports in high school. But now I play football at the semi-pro level. I have no one to look into the stands for. Mom won't come (not that I'd ask her to) but I want to be able to look into the stand and see someone! Even dad.
> Hell, when we started getting into physical fights, he beat me the first time. Then I started working out, hell, I even bought steroids from some place and used them. He never beat me after the first fight. Probably why he hates me. I became a bigger than him.
> Yet even trading punches, I miss him!
> What do I do on father's day!? I sit at home, drinking my guts out, because the man I want to spend it with doesn't want to see me.
> I went to his wedding! Hell, I was the best man at his wedding! Yet he won't talk to only kid he raised that was at his wedding!
> 
> There is so much I want from my father.
> I just wish he would come to my loft, and we could watch Star Wars together or something. I could cook us some great steaks in my super fancy kitchen with every toy, then watch Star Wars on a big TV with surround sound, but no. He never will.
> It's sad that the only person who can bring any emotion to me, is a man that won't talk to me. The only person that brings tears to my eyes, and he won't even see me.
> I mailed him a card for Father's Day. He sent it back to me, unopened! Even the cash (yes, cash, because I didn't want to put any extra effort on his end) was left in the card!
> 
> I want to love my father, but he won't love me back! Because I'm not his DNA!
> The last words he said to me were "I'm going to forget you."
> That's what he said to me after we both opened up a second DNA test, showing I wasn't his son. He had nothing left in the tank to give me. No more love left. After being raked over the coals, and whatever else, whatever had been eating him up for the 20+ years I had supposedly been his, was gone. I was now on empty.
> 
> Yea. It hurts. I miss him.
> And yea, years later, I'm mad.
> 
> I'm mad that he won't let me love him like a father.
> I'm mad because this is the only topic that will cause me to drink on one of my designated non-drinking nights.
> But I'm most mad because he won't love me like a son!
> Why!? Because of DNA!? Because of a horrible mother.
> 
> I have nothing else to say.
> 
> [/RANT]


I am truly sorry!

Reading this truly breaks my heart! I think about my boys and if i found out tomorrow any weren't mine it would change the relationship with my wife but not them.

Growing up, I didn't have a "Bad Dad" but I had a short tempered, distant/semi-absent, single dad. So the one promise I made myself was to be a better dad then I had.

I know it must hurt. My prayers go out to you!


----------



## Uselessmale

To the OP. Get somewhere safe go to your doctor, minister, priest, friend, whoever. You will not be able to function for awhile but let someone be with you 24/7 right now. You have kids that need there Daddy, that’s more than being a father. I cannot imagine the pain you are in, but you and your family are in my prayers. PLEASE let us know you are still with us. The people on this site will be with you ever step of the way, please muster the strength to hang on. God bless you.


----------



## SunCMars

I stuck my neck out on Post #155. I got no likes.
Nor, did I expect any.
Hence i am not disappointed.

Ha, ha, ha, ha...ah crap!

Hey, who would not want to die a Saint?

In truth, what I wrote, I meant.
But, under ideal conditions.

Likely those conditions would never arise.

In truth, talk is cheap.

When the talk becomes reality, cheap goes wobbly legged.

Just Sayin'


[THRD]


----------



## sokillme

Uselessmale said:


> To the OP. Get somewhere safe go to your doctor, minister, priest, friend, whoever. You will not be able to function for awhile but let someone be with you 24/7 right now. You have kids that need there Daddy, that’s more than being a father. I cannot imagine the pain you are in, but you and your family are in my prayers. PLEASE let us know you are still with us. The people on this site will be with you ever step of the way, please muster the strength to hang on. God bless you.


Post was from Reddit. OP is on there.


----------



## faithfulman

*If this were you how would you handle this situation?*
1) Lose the wife
2) Keep the kids


----------



## SunCMars

personofinterest said:


> I hear the phrase wild monkey sex on forums all the time period* have any of you people ever actually watched monkeys have sex??* It's not all that exciting lol


True..
Why true?

Back and forth motion....no hugging, no lips on lips. :|

Ach, not ever, just thrusting.
Waiting for the seed to blast out.....to release, to ease the urge, to end the moment of primal lust.

No afterglow, no goodbyes, just walkaways.

Their backs soon facing 'away' from each other.
Their minds elsewhere.

Not so much as a thank you, a smile, nothing...:frown2:

Parting, not even knowing each other's name.

Tis' a one night stand, maybe a day standing, her bent forward, he bent on release.


----------



## oldtruck

Old age, platonic room mates at best. Life tine of work and now retirement is
all messed up.

Sorry being a good wife for 30 years and then keeping it a secret after 
banging her OM for 4 years and getting knocked up twice by the OM
does not even the score.

This WW was suppose to be a good wife for 34 years, every year of the
marriage.

Making her BH live a lie for his whole life is not a WW making it up to her BH.


----------



## BruceBanner

Well it looks like he's staying in his marriage. I can't say I'm surprised. He didn't sound like a man who had the will to leave his marriage in his first post.


----------



## BluesPower

BruceBanner said:


> Well it looks like he's staying in his marriage. I can't say I'm surprised. He didn't sound like a man who had the will to leave his marriage in his first post.


I am sure that I am the minority, but that is the weakest thing I have ever read. 

I would liquate my assets and leave forever, never talk to her ever again...


----------



## BruceBanner

BluesPower said:


> I am sure that I am the minority, but that is the weakest thing I have ever read.
> 
> I would liquate my assets and leave forever, never talk to her ever again...



I understand why he wants to stay. He's a family man that made his family his entire life and priority. But there's no way in hell I would actually be able to stay.


----------



## Luminous

BruceBanner said:


> I understand why he wants to stay. He's a family man that made his family his entire life and priority. But there's no way in hell I would actually be able to stay.


It's still very early days... Time will tell when the dust settles


----------



## BluesPower

Luminous said:


> It's still very early days... Time will tell when the dust settles


You may be right, I hope you are. 

But he is just like a lot of weak people that just try to pretend that it never happened. 

Think about it, what was it a 4 or 8 year affair at the beginning of their marriage? 

Cucked with two kids that are not his? 

I think I would spend the rest of my life in jail actually...


----------



## Luminous

BluesPower said:


> You may be right, I hope you are.
> 
> But he is just like a lot of weak people that just try to pretend that it never happened.
> 
> Think about it, what was it a 4 or 8 year affair at the beginning of their marriage?
> 
> Cucked with two kids that are not his?
> 
> I think I would spend the rest of my life in jail actually...


They can pretend and deny, but deep down they know what the reality is, and more often than not, it is from there that resentment builds.

I do feel sorry for this guy. His dedication to his family is admirable (and not as common as it used to be). Unfortunately in doing so he has put all his eggs in one basket and that basket has just broken. Given the age he is, I would imagine the thought of starting over is too scary to contemplate for him.


----------



## 23cm

If Miss Goodie Two Shoes lied about the most fundamental parts of a marriage and family, what else has or will she lie about.

Character doesn't just change.


----------



## skerzoid

In the Original movie "Titanic", Barbara Stanwyck informs her husband (CliftonWebb) that he is not the father of their son. The father then starts distancing himself from his son, the son is devastated, and then "BOOM, they hit the iceberg. Webb reconnects with the son and they go down together. Here is the scene where Stanwyck and Webb say "Goodbye".


----------



## Graywolf2

I like to accept a person’s position without question and then poke holes in it. I would love to ask the OP why his young and foolish wife didn’t consider using condoms after the first kid. At best she was unsure about who the father of the first kid was.

The most likely answer is that she didn't give a hoot to who the bio father was. How can you watch your good husband play with "his" little girl and not start using condoms with your boyfriend?


----------



## Luminous

Graywolf2 said:


> I like to accept a person’s position without question and then poke holes in it. I would love to ask the OP why his young and foolish wife didn’t consider using condoms after the first kid. At best she was unsure about who the father of the first kid was.
> 
> The most likely answer is that she didn't give a hoot to who the bio father was. How can you watch your good husband play with "his" little girl and not start using condoms with your boyfriend?


Probably because, using condoms would mean she has an ounce of consideration. I doubt anything like that crossed her mind during that time or she would have done so. The fact that she was willing to take this to the grave was evidence enough of her intentions/thought process.


----------



## GusPolinski

BruceBanner said:


> Well it looks like he's staying in his marriage. I can't say I'm surprised. He didn't sound like a man who had the will to leave his marriage in his first post.


That’s sad.


----------



## syhoybenden

What a waste of a life.

I would like to think that had this happened to me I would by now have liquidated all my assets and be half way across the Pacific sailing towards Polynesia.


----------



## seadoug105

syhoybenden said:


> What a waste of a life.
> 
> I would like to think that had this happened to me I would by now have liquidated all my assets and be half way across the Pacific sailing towards Polynesia.


T/J warning....

And because of your profile pic.... as I read your post I instantly saw a family guy “thought video” wth Lois begging Peter to stay, Stuie screaming “I knew it! You’re not my dad, thank gawd!”, Brain saying “wait Lois! You went next door? But I was here..... how did I miss out?”, etc closing out with Peter paddling a canoe as fast as he can getting thinner as he goes..... etc

T/J complete


----------



## Knips

This is a hard one. Is he strong or weak. I assume he is too codependend to his wife and to his current life. That i see as an act of weakness. The stronge part is that he will take over the burden his wife had to carry and he will carry this weight on his shoulders. The real winner here is the wife. She got her wild life while doing others guys and even got children with other guys while being in a marriage. Now she can heal from her infidility, being released of the guild. Meanwhile dear hubby trows himself at her foot and the fact that he feeled he could lose her even made him more codependent. I am sorry to say, but i see him as weak. But on the other hand i cannot say what i would have done being in his shoes.


----------



## WorkingWife

BruceBanner said:


> I understand why he wants to stay. He's a family man that made his family his entire life and priority. But there's no way in hell I would actually be able to stay.


I just discovered this thread and skimmed through it with interest.

I don't agree with all of you that he should necessarily leave. Most of you are saying you could not/would not tolearate that and a lot of people couldn't. The children would be a constant reminder of the betrayal no matter how much I loved them.

BUT, I don't assume it is weakness on is part to stay. I don't assume feels the same way everyone on here says they would and necessarily wants to leave. 

He could be being very pragmatic - he's in his 50's in what felt like a very happy marriage to him with a wife he loves and who treats him, to his knowledge, very well and was a good mother and wife.

If he leaves, will he really be happier? Does he really want to be away from this "monster" who is also his best friend and who he has 33 years of interactions with? THanks to her deceipt and horrible behavior in the past, either way he loses now. But his best option for a happy life may be to stay in the marriage, work on moving forward with who they both are today, and keep his family that he loves intact. That's not necessarily WEAK, it could be considered STRONG and practical.


----------



## Luminous

WorkingWife said:


> I just discovered this thread and skimmed through it with interest.
> 
> I don't agree with all of you that he should necessarily leave. Most of you are saying you could not/would not tolearate that and a lot of people couldn't. The children would be a constant reminder of the betrayal no matter how much I loved them.
> 
> BUT, I don't assume it is weakness on is part to stay. I don't assume feels the same way everyone on here says they would and necessarily wants to leave.
> 
> He could be being very pragmatic - he's in his 50's in what felt like a very happy marriage to him with a wife he loves and who treats him, to his knowledge, very well and was a good mother and wife.
> 
> If he leaves, will he really be happier? Does he really want to be away from this "monster" who is also his best friend and who he has 33 years of interactions with? THanks to her deceipt and horrible behavior in the past, either way he loses now. But his best option for a happy life may be to stay in the marriage, work on moving forward with who they both are today, and keep his family that he loves intact. That's not necessarily WEAK, it could be considered STRONG and practical.


I'm taking a guess here, but I am betting a majority of the people saying 'leave' are male.

I believe it is to do with the primal aspect of it, and that those children are not his seed. How many other species in nature do this? We may be conscious thinking creatures but the primal aspect is still very prominent in matters like this.


----------



## Ynot

Luminous said:


> I'm taking a guess here, but I am betting a majority of the people saying 'leave' are male.
> 
> I believe it is to do with the primal aspect of it, and that those children are not his seed. How many other species in nature do this? We may be conscious thinking creatures but the primal aspect is still very prominent in matters like this.


Even if they aren't his "seed" the fact is that blended families, makes up about 65% of marriages today. So, apparently there are quite a few men who accept another man's child and raises them as their own. If they passively tolerate those children in their lives, IMO they are POS Aholes, just hanging around banging the mom because they are too weak or to desperate to keep looking. Most of the huffing and puffing about the H being a **** who should ditch his family is false machismo by guys who do not understand what a real man is at all. This guy built a life with this woman and these kids. He owes it to HIMSELF to consider trying to work on it. And as I have already said numerous times, I do not know if he can do it or if it will last. It will take a lot of hard work.


----------



## Andy1001

The biggest problem this guy will have going forward is that the two girls are not his daughters and have already made him feel somewhat awkward in his own home.
They are now reaching out to their new found family and this is also leaving him out in the cold.
This is not a normal cheating situation where the children are pissed at the cheating parent.Their mother didn’t cheat on their father,she had a love affair lasting years in their understandably twisted view of things and then left their father to stay married to the man that raised them.
I pity this poor guy,he can never recover from this,every time he sees his “daughters” he will be reminded and any children they have will not be his grandchildren.

Except that his story has some holes in it and either he is lying,he misprinted something,or else his wife is still lying.
She said she started the affair because she felt she was “off the market” as a twenty one year old wife and mother.But she wasn’t a mother until her affair partner got her pregnant.


----------



## Luminous

Ynot said:


> Even if they aren't his "seed" the fact is that blended families, makes up about 65% of marriages today. So, apparently there are quite a few men who accept another man's child and raises them as their own.


Fair enough, but most of those cases involve both sides having complete knowledge of children's backgrounds going into it.


----------



## Ynot

Luminous said:


> Fair enough, but most of those cases involve both sides having complete knowledge of children's backgrounds going into it.


Very true, which is also why the while idea of him being a **** and weak and all the other gibberish, is just that. In this case he has raised these kids as his own from birth. He has been involved in every aspect of their lives.
The OP would be remiss to simply abandon these children and this family to satisfy the false machismo of others who would. The end result may or may not be successful, but that depends on a lot of other things besides the unrealistic ideals of others


----------



## Luminous

Ynot said:


> Very true, which is also why the while idea of him being a **** and weak and all the other gibberish, is just that. In this case he has raised these kids as his own from birth. He has been involved in every aspect of their lives.
> The OP would be remiss to simply abandon these children and this family to satisfy the false machismo of others who would. The end result may or may not be successful, but that depends on a lot of other things besides the unrealistic ideals of others


Another question would be, if she had disclosed this when they were just babies, what would he have done? Back then at least he would have had a more informed choice about whether he wanted to raise them as his own or leave that situation. He never got that opportunity to choose. He has been strung along his whole married life.


----------



## Ynot

Luminous said:


> Another question would be, if she had disclosed this when they were just babies, what would he have done? Back then at least he would have had a more informed choice about whether he wanted to raise them as his own or leave that situation. He never got that opportunity to choose. He has been strung along his whole married life.


Perhaps or perhaps SHE didn't know. This yet another example of some applying what is known today to what happened then. Believe it or not, condoms are far from 100% effective in preventing pregnancies especially back THEN and DNA testing was not anywhere near as accurate as it is today.

I have a friend. He is what anyone would consider a man's man. Served in the military for life, was deployed to both Gulf wars. Nothing about this guy speaks to him being weak or a ****. He walked in on his wife having sex with his brother over 15 years ago. He had been back from deployment for about 6 months. She got pregnant. She had been sleeping with the brother while he was gone. DNA results at that time only reported that the baby was from the same family as my friend. They were unable to narrow it down any further. Regardless of whether the child was his or not. He raised the child as his own and remained married to the woman and remains so to this day.


----------



## Ynot

And FTR, I have never excused the W for anything she has done. I have only discussed what the H could or should do.


----------



## Luminous

Ynot said:


> Perhaps or perhaps SHE didn't know. This yet another example of some applying what is known today to what happened then. Believe it or not, condoms are far from 100% effective in preventing pregnancies especially back THEN and DNA testing was not anywhere near as accurate as it is today.
> 
> I have a friend. He is what anyone would consider a man's man. Served in the military for life, was deployed to both Gulf wars. Nothing about this guy speaks to him being weak or a ****. He walked in on his wife having sex with his brother over 15 years ago. He had been back from deployment for about 6 months. She got pregnant. She had been sleeping with the brother while he was gone. DNA results at that time only reported that the baby was from the same family as my friend. They were unable to narrow it down any further. Regardless of whether the child was his or not. He raised the child as his own and remained married to the woman and remains so to this day.


This woman not only got pregnant once during her 'affair', but twice. I'd bet she knew exactly what she was doing and who the father was for at least one of them.


----------



## Graywolf2

Let’s take what the wife said as being totally true. She loved her husband and intended to grow old with him. She didn’t care about the OM and he didn’t care about her. There was no talk of a future together or love. It was just sex because she felt cheated by getting married so young.

She gets pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is. I’m sure that she and her OM speculated about who the bio father was as the child grew. Who she looked like of how she acted.

The affair continued. Give her a pass on that. 

Now what could she have done to show her husband some consideration????????

Give up?

Was her loving husband worth a box of condoms? 

Apparently not.

I could never forgive that especially after the first kid.

The wife is either an uncaring POS or a complete idiot.


----------



## Ynot

Luminous said:


> This woman not only got pregnant once during her 'affair', but twice. I'd bet she knew exactly what she was doing and who the father was for at least one of them.


I think you mean you would guess. You might make a bet based on that guess, but we never know for sure. It is between the OP and his W to make this determination. Another thing is that we have no idea what if, any birth control she was on or if any were used. We see all sorts of hilariously wrong assumptions made about how one may or may not get pregnant. Back then (before Google) I am sure they were even more rampant then they are now. Again an application of what we know today to something that happened back then.
Again, not excusing the W for the affair, but to apply what is known today to what happened then, especially as third parties is an exercise in futility.


----------



## Graywolf2

Ynot said:


> Perhaps or perhaps SHE didn't know.


Even “back then” without science she knew that she was having sex with two men and got pregnant.



Ynot said:


> This yet another example of some applying what is known today to what happened then. Believe it or not, condoms are far from 100% effective in preventing pregnancies especially back THEN


.

What do you base this upon? I’m and old physician with a Ph.D. in genetics and my wife is an old OB/GYN physician. We are both from “back then.” Condoms are very effective when used correctly (even “back then”). My wife’s pregnant patients would say that the condom broke. When pressed they would admit that there was this one time the condoms stayed in the nightstand. 

If she faithfully used birth control during her affair you would think she would volunteer that as part of her confession. If I went to all that trouble every time I had sex I would at least want credit for trying. She would tell her husband that she used a condom every time but it failed. I don't see that in his story.


----------



## Ynot

Graywolf2 said:


> Even “back then” without science she knew that she was having sex with two men and got pregnant.
> 
> .
> 
> What do you base this upon? I’m and old physician with a Ph.D. in genetics and my wife is an old OB/GYN physician. We are both from “back then.” Condoms are very effective (even “back then”). My wife’s pregnant patients would say that the condom broke. When pressed they would admit that there was this one time the condoms stayed in the nightstand.
> 
> If she faithfully used birth control during her affair you would think she would volunteer that as part of her confession. If I went to all that trouble every time I had sex I would at least want credit for trying. She would tell her husband that she used a condom every time but it failed. I don't see that in his story.


From reality. Were/are condoms 100% effective? No, and perhaps less so back then. Have vasectomies failed? Yes. What birth control method was she using? A sponge or diaphragm or an IUD, any? We don't know. Was she operating under misguided notions? Notions such as you can't get pregnant when you are menstruating, or using the withdrawal method. We do not know. But not knowing has not prevented the jumping to conclusions by many here. 
Look, I am not defending her in anyway, but all of these assumptions are ridiculous and surely as a physician you f all people should be one of the first to understand that.


----------



## Graywolf2

First it was far from 100%.



Ynot said:


> Believe it or not, condoms are far from 100% effective in preventing pregnancies especially back THEN


Then it became not 100%



Ynot said:


> From reality. Were/are condoms 100% effective?


Nevertheless:



Graywolf2 said:


> If she faithfully used birth control during her affair you would think she would volunteer that as part of her confession. If I went to all that trouble every time I had sex I would at least want credit for trying. *She would tell her husband that she used a condom every time but it failed. I don't see that in his story.*


----------



## BruceBanner

Graywolf2 said:


> Even “back then” without science she knew that she was having sex with two men and got pregnant.
> 
> .
> 
> What do you base this upon? I’m and old physician with a Ph.D. in genetics and my wife is an old OB/GYN physician. We are both from “back then.” Condoms are very effective when used correctly (even “back then”). My wife’s pregnant patients would say that the condom broke. When pressed they would admit that there was this one time the condoms stayed in the nightstand.
> 
> If she faithfully used birth control during her affair you would think she would volunteer that as part of her confession. If I went to all that trouble every time I had sex I would at least want credit for trying. She would tell her husband that she used a condom every time but it failed. I don't see that in his story.


Pretty sure statistics say cheaters don't use condoms often.



Ynot said:


> Perhaps or perhaps SHE didn't know. This yet another example of some applying what is known today to what happened then. Believe it or not, condoms are far from 100% effective in preventing pregnancies especially back THEN and DNA testing was not anywhere near as accurate as it is today.
> 
> I have a friend. He is what anyone would consider a man's man. Served in the military for life, was deployed to both Gulf wars. Nothing about this guy speaks to him being weak or a ****. He walked in on his wife having sex with his brother over 15 years ago. He had been back from deployment for about 6 months. She got pregnant. She had been sleeping with the brother while he was gone. DNA results at that time only reported that the baby was from the same family as my friend. They were unable to narrow it down any further. Regardless of whether the child was his or not. He raised the child as his own and remained married to the woman and remains so to this day.


It doesn't matter whether or not she knew who the father really was because she knew she was sleeping with two men and that the possibility was still there. She just didn't give a damn. At all. @Ynot


----------



## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> Even if they aren't his "seed" the fact is that blended families, makes up about 65% of marriages today. So, apparently there are quite a few men who accept another man's child and raises them as their own. If they passively tolerate those children in their lives, IMO they are POS Aholes, just hanging around banging the mom because they are too weak or to desperate to keep looking. Most of the huffing and puffing about the H being a **** who should ditch his family is false machismo by guys who do not understand what a real man is at all. This guy built a life with this woman and these kids. He owes it to HIMSELF to consider trying to work on it. And as I have already said numerous times, I do not know if he can do it or if it will last. It will take a lot of hard work.


Being a real man means standing up for yourself. This guy is letting his wife get off easy. She got to have her fun, lie for decades, and still keep her marriage. She likely won't be facing many repercussions, especially legal ones.


----------



## Luminous

BruceBanner said:


> Plenty of them do. Sometimes they even kill the children.


Perhaps I should have phrased it: 'how many species in nature do this, with a peaceful outcome?'


----------



## sokillme

It amazing how many people admire him for taking her back. Why is he a good man? Cause he is good at getting crapped on? I don't get it but I guess that sub is full of people who think that is the honorable thing to do. Compare this story to AmbivelantOne ones on SI. Same long time affair found out years later, but at least she didn't have kids with her AP. He didn't take her back told her it was over from the jump. I find that more honorable. He stood up for himself.

No one even mentions that she didn't do it once she did it twice. Once is a mistake, twice? She had two kids with this other guy. I am SO tempted to join again just to respond. Some one needs to ask him to ask her if she went to the guys funeral. 

Here the thing, I am really starting to think these things happen to guys like this because they ARE like this.


----------



## WorkingWife

Luminous said:


> I'm taking a guess here, but I am betting a majority of the people saying 'leave' are male.
> 
> I believe it is to do with the primal aspect of it, and that those children are not his seed. How many other species in nature do this? We may be conscious thinking creatures but the primal aspect is still very prominent in matters like this.


I don't know about the "not his seed" part - that may play a part for some but from most of what I read it was more the betrayal - I'm sure she never fessed up from fear of losing him, but every day that she let him think they were biologically related she was making a fool out of him. From what I read - that and the four year affair spells MAJOR humiliation to many that they just could not get past.

I know many men who have knowing raised other men's "seed" and are very happy and love their children. To some people that biological connection is crucial but I don't think it is to most. But I'm a woman so maybe I am not seeing it from a guy's point of view. I was also adopted.


----------



## Luminous

WorkingWife said:


> I know many men who have knowing raised other men's "seed" and are very happy and love their children.


The key word there, is 'knowing'


----------



## BruceBanner

sokillme said:


> It amazing how many people admire him for taking her back. Why is he a good man? Cause he is good at getting crapped on? I don't get it but I guess that sub is full of people who think that is the honorable thing to do. Compare this story to AmbivelantOne ones on SI. Same long time affair found out years later, but at least she didn't have kids with her AP. He didn't take her back told her it was over from the jump. I find that more honorable. He stood up for himself.
> 
> No one even mentions that she didn't do it once she did it twice. Once is a mistake, twice? She had two kids with this other guy. I am SO tempted to join again just to respond. Some one needs to ask him to ask her if she went to the guys funeral.
> 
> Here the thing, I am really starting to think these things happen to guys like this because they ARE like this.


Yes sadly Reddit is like that. I've seen plenty of people on Reddit shaming men for being indignant over being deceived over matters concerning paternity and saying that biology doesn't matter. "Biology doesn't matter" was always a stupid argument. If biology didn't matter to the majority of the people living on this planet I doubt any child would be without parents or would be an orphan. Plus people in general don't like being deceived or made a fool of in general.


----------



## sokillme

Luminous said:


> I'm taking a guess here, but I am betting a majority of the people saying 'leave' are male.
> 
> I believe it is to do with the primal aspect of it, and that those children are not his seed. How many other species in nature do this? We may be conscious thinking creatures but the primal aspect is still very prominent in matters like this.


If I was a women I would be offended that you have such a low opinion of women. You seem to think they would be so quick to live with decades of deception and abuse would just be tolerated because of their gender. I suspect some women on here would take issue with that.

What a joke, like if a wife found out that her husband had two love children that she didn't know about for 20 years I'm sure you would admire her if she stayed with him. 

Yeah right.


----------



## Luminous

sokillme said:


> If I was a women I would be offended that you have such a low opinion of women. You seem to think they would be so quick to live with decades of deception and abuse would just be tolerated because of their gender. I suspect some women on here would take issue with that.
> 
> What a joke, like if a wife found out that her husband had two love children that she didn't know about for 20 years I'm sure you would admire her if she stayed with him.
> 
> Yeah right.


Please direct me to the area where you say I have 'such a low opinion of women'.

I was talking from a primal perspective. You are certainly entitled not to agree, however this instance is not about a woman contending with a husband's secret about kids to another woman that he has played off of as hers.


----------



## sokillme

Luminous said:


> Please direct me to the area where you say I have 'such a low opinion of women'.
> 
> I was talking from a primal perspective. You are certainly entitled not to agree, however this instance is not about a woman contending with a husband's secret about kids to another woman that he has played of as hers.


You make it seem like only men can feel this primal thing. I personally don't think most healthy men or women for that matter would take this person back. 

It's quite obvious from this guys posts he is the typical white knight type guy who is often the type that has this kind of thing happens to. I use to think this kind of thing was random but I don't anymore. It's just always guys like this guy, a man who can say this fraud was a great wife and mother even after she did these monstrous things to him. This is not a normal or healthy response. I am not saying it's always the case that if you have this happen to you you are like this guy but if you ARE a guy like this guy I think there is a good chance you are going to get bullied in some way. These women look for men like this, and they guy treat them like kids not like peers. The dynamic is always ****ed up and leads to entitlement. 

Anyway my point was your point was the it has to be men reacting strongly to this but I am sure women would react just as strongly. You seem to assume they wouldn't.


----------



## WorkingWife

Luminous said:


> The key word there, is 'knowing'


Well, it was actually supposed to be "knowing*ly*" ;-) But my point is that I don't think it's usually whether the child is the man's biological offspring or not so much as finding out he lived a lie for so many years.

All he can do though is assess his life at this moment in time and make the best decision for him moving forward. He loves his wife and as far as we know, she loves him. It's too late to have a family with someone else. I don't judge him for choosing to stay and I just hope he can be happy and feel secure after all this.


----------



## Knips

What i see is the biggest betrayal a woman can do to her husband. Not only was she a cheater. But she also get 2 children with her affair partner. This pregnancy isn't an accident. Why does a woman do this. This proves her total lack of respect for her husband. She must have laughed on herself when the hopless romatic husband kept the baby in his arms filled with happines that he is holding his offspring in his hands. In the meanwhile the wife must have been thinking: you loser, she isn't even yours. You stupid hubby, go and work hard to provide me and the affair baby. Be a good dad to the AP his daughter. You stupid **** hubby. While you work to provide me i will go and make another baby with my dear AP. No even if this has been 30 years ago and even if wife claimes she felt guilty and was a good wife. I couldn't stand the level of betreyal.


----------



## BluesPower

Ynot said:


> Even if they aren't his "seed" the fact is that blended families, makes up about 65% of marriages today. So, apparently there are quite a few men who accept another man's child and raises them as their own. If they passively tolerate those children in their lives, IMO they are POS Aholes, just hanging around banging the mom because they are too weak or to desperate to keep looking. Most of the huffing and puffing about the H being a **** who should ditch his family is false machismo by guys who do not understand what a real man is at all. This guy built a life with this woman and these kids. He owes it to HIMSELF to consider trying to work on it. And as I have already said numerous times, I do not know if he can do it or if it will last. It will take a lot of hard work.





WorkingWife said:


> I just discovered this thread and skimmed through it with interest.
> 
> I don't agree with all of you that he should necessarily leave. Most of you are saying you could not/would not tolearate that and a lot of people couldn't. The children would be a constant reminder of the betrayal no matter how much I loved them.
> 
> BUT, I don't assume it is weakness on is part to stay. I don't assume feels the same way everyone on here says they would and necessarily wants to leave.
> 
> He could be being very pragmatic - he's in his 50's in what felt like a very happy marriage to him with a wife he loves and who treats him, to his knowledge, very well and was a good mother and wife.
> 
> If he leaves, will he really be happier? Does he really want to be away from this "monster" who is also his best friend and who he has 33 years of interactions with? THanks to her deceipt and horrible behavior in the past, either way he loses now. But his best option for a happy life may be to stay in the marriage, work on moving forward with who they both are today, and keep his family that he loves intact. That's not necessarily WEAK, it could be considered STRONG and practical.


Their is a huge difference between blending a family and finding out that you are a **** in the true sense of the word. 

Knowing being with someone that has kids from a previous marriage, is one thing, being screw over and having your life stolen from you is another. 

And this man is weak, now question about it. Him staying and not removing her from his life is the weakest thing and he is only 50. 

Lots of life left. I met the love of my life at 53 so it can happen. 

It is also easy for a woman to say that he is not weak, she knows who her children belong to. Or at least she can guess, but she knows they are hers. 

This man, should have sent her away and never spoken to her ever again.


----------



## Robbie1234

Andy1001 said:


> The biggest problem this guy will have going forward is that the two girls are not his daughters and have already made him feel somewhat awkward in his own home.
> They are now reaching out to their new found family and this is also leaving him out in the cold.
> This is not a normal cheating situation where the children are pissed at the cheating parent.Their mother didn’t cheat on their father,she had a love affair lasting years in their understandably twisted view of things and then left their father to stay married to the man that raised them.
> I pity this poor guy,he can never recover from this,every time he sees his “daughters” he will be reminded and any children they have will not be his grandchildren.
> 
> Except that his story has some holes in it and either he is lying,he misprinted something,or else his wife is still lying.
> She said she started the affair because she felt she was “off the market” as a twenty one year old wife and mother.But she wasn’t a mother until her affair partner got her pregnant.


I have read his update and I agree with you, the story is all over the place. As you aid she's saying she felt unattractive as a young woman with a husband and child so she started having an affair. But her first TWO children were by her boyfriend not her husband at all. So what is happening here,is the husband blind to his wife's lies or is it a troll. 
Well spotted @Andy1001


----------



## Ynot

BruceBanner said:


> Being a real man means standing up for yourself. This guy is letting his wife get off easy. She got to have her fun, lie for decades, and still keep her marriage. She likely won't be facing many repercussions, especially legal ones.


And standing up for himself this time may include NOT abandoning the family he has lovingly raised over the past 20 plus years. Your solution involves cutting off the nose to spite the face. It may end up that way. As I have said countless times. But if I were he I would sure as heck try to save the nose first.


----------



## BruceBanner

Ynot said:


> And standing up for himself this time may include NOT abandoning the family he has lovingly raised over the past 20 plus years. Your solution involves cutting off the nose to spite the face. It may end up that way. As I have said countless times. But if I were he I would sure as heck try to save the nose first.


He can keep in contact with the children. The wife he doesn't need to deal with to do that. I believe this guy is repressing his true feelings/in denial or either co-dependent.


----------



## Ynot

BruceBanner said:


> He can keep in contact with the children. The wife he doesn't need to deal with to do that. I believe this guy is repressing his true feelings/in denial or either co-dependent.


Without a doubt he could keep the kids in his life, but that isn't what the echo chamber has been suggesting. And he could be repressing his feelings. But what I saw is a guy suffering a real moral dilemma. He has had a great life with this woman and this family for over 20 years. Despite all of the self righteous BS we see being spewed at him for being weak, a ****, having no self respect, etc, these are the realities of his life. It is up to the OP to decide if he can live with this or not. As I have said it will take a lot of hard work and it may not work out in the end. But it is most certainly is not the black/white decision so many here seem to make it.


----------



## BluesPower

Ynot said:


> Without a doubt he could keep the kids in his life, but that isn't what the echo chamber has been suggesting. And he could be repressing his feelings. But what I saw is a guy suffering a real moral dilemma. He has had a great life with this woman and this family for over 20 years. Despite all of the self righteous BS we see being spewed at him for being weak, a ****, having no self respect, etc, these are the realities of his life. It is up to the OP to decide if he can live with this or not. As I have said it will take a lot of hard work and it may not work out in the end. But it is most certainly is not the black/white decision so many here seem to make it.


Some people cannot think black and white and some can. 

There are things people take and things that they should not. It is up to each individual to decide what that is. 

This man, is 1) weak, and I am sure a lot of WW's would want to say he is strong, he is not. 2) He is the actual definition of a ****, his situation is exactly what the word was developed for.

No one is advocating that he abandon ANY of his children, but his wife, yeah, she need to go away. 

How any man could allow himself to remain with her is unbelievable to me. It is not the cheating so much as it is the lying and the cuckoldry that is horrifying...


----------



## oldtruck

Ynot said:


> Even if they aren't his "seed" the fact is that blended families, makes up about 65% of marriages today. So, apparently there are quite a few men who accept another man's child and raises them as their own. If they passively tolerate those children in their lives, IMO they are POS Aholes, just hanging around banging the mom because they are too weak or to desperate to keep looking. Most of the huffing and puffing about the H being a **** who should ditch his family is false machismo by guys who do not understand what a real man is at all. This guy built a life with this woman and these kids. He owes it to HIMSELF to consider trying to work on it. And as I have already said numerous times, I do not know if he can do it or if it will last. It will take a lot of hard work.


One thing to accept a step child.

But to be duped into believing your only two are yours is not the same. This BH was never 
given the truth and the option to divorce his WW.

I would be suing the OM and WW for paternity fraud. Whether I could win in court or not.

Though even though the truth is now out it would be hard for a dad to disown children that
he is totally bonded with after being the dad seeing them into adulthood. So do not be fast
to say he must divorce.

At this age in his life how is he going to restart his life with a new wife and be able to pass
on his own DNA? Not happening. Talk about just compensation after an affair. How is this
WW going to make up for that? Also not happening.

Being forced to live a lie this BH will never have his own kids. If I were him I would be telling
my WW this every day. Then ask her how she is going to remedy this.

I would love to hear this WW's answer to that.


----------



## Graywolf2

There is a biological difference between an unfaithful wife and her husband.

She knows that no matter what all of her children are biologically hers. Unless DNA is done her husband has to guess. 

Because of this security women can express how unimportant biology or “seed” is. They can be noble and say it’s a human child that needs love so shut up and provide it. 

If you complain you’re a primitive ignorant beast.

Under what conditions can a woman not be the biological mother? It’s when the baby is mixed up in the hospital.

Then all hell breaks loose. The hospital should be drawn and quartered. Outrage, millions in lawsuits. 

Why? Who cares about DNA and seeds. You went into the hospital wanting a child and you walked out with one so what's the problem? It’s a human child that needs love so shut up and provide it.

Are the parents that complain about getting the wrong kid primitive ignorant beasts?.


----------



## sokillme

oldtruck said:


> One thing to accept a step child.
> 
> But to be duped into believing your only two are yours is not the same. This BH was never
> given the truth and the option to divorce his WW.
> 
> I would be suing the OM and WW for paternity fraud. Whether I could win in court or not.
> 
> Though even though the truth is now out it would be hard for a dad to disown children that
> he is totally bonded with after being the dad seeing them into adulthood. So do not be fast
> to say he must divorce.
> 
> At this age in his life how is he going to restart his life with a new wife and be able to pass
> on his own DNA? Not happening. Talk about just compensation after an affair. How is this
> WW going to make up for that? Also not happening.
> 
> Being forced to live a lie this BH will never have his own kids. If I were him I would be telling
> my WW this every day. Then ask her how she is going to remedy this.
> 
> I would love to hear this WW's answer to that.


OM is dead. At least OP's son is biologically his.

By the way if you notice in his posts it was his wife's intention to persist in this fraud for the rest of her life. It wasn't just her husband she did this to it was her kids too. There have been many posts from Kids in this situation and they suffer just as much. It changes their whole self identity even if they don't want it too. Truly a monstrously selfish act.


----------



## BluesPower

oldtruck said:


> One thing to accept a step child.
> 
> But to be duped into believing your only two are yours is not the same. This BH was never
> given the truth and the option to divorce his WW.
> 
> I would be suing the OM and WW for paternity fraud. Whether I could win in court or not.
> 
> Though even though the truth is now out it would be hard for a dad to disown children that
> he is totally bonded with after being the dad seeing them into adulthood. So do not be fast
> to say he must divorce.
> 
> At this age in his life how is he going to restart his life with a new wife and be able to pass
> on his own DNA? Not happening. Talk about just compensation after an affair. How is this
> WW going to make up for that? Also not happening.
> 
> Being forced to live a lie this BH will never have his own kids. If I were him I would be telling
> my WW this every day. Then ask her how she is going to remedy this.
> 
> I would love to hear this WW's answer to that.


He actually did have ONE of the three children that were his, so it is not a complete loss, if I am remembering correctly. 

Really does not matter, 2 is 2 too many...


----------



## BruceBanner

Graywolf2 said:


> There is a biological difference between an unfaithful wife and her husband.
> 
> She knows that no matter what all of her children are biologically hers. Unless DNA is done her husband has to guess.
> 
> Because of this security women can express how unimportant biology or “seed” is. They can be noble and say it’s a human child that needs love so shut up and provide it.
> 
> If you complain you’re a primitive ignorant beast.
> 
> Under what conditions can a woman not be the biological mother? It’s when the baby is mixed up in the hospital.
> 
> Then all hell breaks loose. The hospital should be drawn and quartered. Outrage, millions in lawsuits.
> 
> Why? Who cares about DNA and seeds. You went into the hospital wanting a child and you walked out with one so what's the problem? It’s a human child that needs love so shut up and provide it.
> 
> Are the parents that complain about getting the wrong kid primitive ignorant beasts?.


Excellent comparison and the double standards some people have about this subject tick me off.



Ynot said:


> I have a friend. He is what anyone would consider a man's man. Served in the military for life, was deployed to both Gulf wars. Nothing about this guy speaks to him being weak or a ****. He walked in on his wife having sex with his brother over 15 years ago. He had been back from deployment for about 6 months. She got pregnant. She had been sleeping with the brother while he was gone. DNA results at that time only reported that the baby was from the same family as my friend. They were unable to narrow it down any further. Regardless of whether the child was his or not. He raised the child as his own and remained married to the woman and remains so to this day.


Sounds like the brother got off scot-free and likely didn't learn a thing. If that were my brother he'd be missing a few teeth.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

I read the whole story and his follow-up. I know he has hopes to reconcile but I think this will torture him relentlessly. I don't give them very high odds for success.


----------



## sokillme

VermiciousKnid said:


> I read the whole story and his follow-up. I know he has hopes to reconcile but I think this will torture him relentlessly. I don't give them very high odds for success.


I don't say this lightly but I wonder if one or both of them will be alive in 10 years. This is the kind of thing that cause severe mental health issues and or leave you vulnerable to sickness.


----------



## sokillme

Graywolf2 said:


> There is a biological difference between an unfaithful wife and her husband.
> 
> She knows that no matter what all of her children are biologically hers. Unless DNA is done her husband has to guess.
> 
> Because of this security women can express how unimportant biology or “seed” is. They can be noble and say it’s a human child that needs love so shut up and provide it.
> 
> If you complain you’re a primitive ignorant beast.
> 
> Under what conditions can a woman not be the biological mother? It’s when the baby is mixed up in the hospital.
> 
> Then all hell breaks loose. The hospital should be drawn and quartered. Outrage, millions in lawsuits.
> 
> Why? Who cares about DNA and seeds. You went into the hospital wanting a child and you walked out with one so what's the problem? It’s a human child that needs love so shut up and provide it.
> 
> Are the parents that complain about getting the wrong kid primitive ignorant beasts?.


Are you the Graywolf on that post? 



> You certainly will not find another woman who will treat you better.


The only way he could find a women who would treat him worse would be for her to light him on fire. For me I would rather have a quick death then what happened to him.


----------



## WorkingWife

BluesPower said:


> Their is a huge difference between blending a family and finding out that you are a **** in the true sense of the word.
> 
> Knowing being with someone that has kids from a previous marriage, is one thing, being screw over and having your life stolen from you is another.
> 
> And this man is weak, now question about it. Him staying and not removing her from his life is the weakest thing and he is only 50.
> 
> Lots of life left. I met the love of my life at 53 so it can happen.
> 
> It is also easy for a woman to say that he is not weak, she knows who her children belong to. Or at least she can guess, but she knows they are hers.
> 
> This man, should have sent her away and never spoken to her ever again.


I think you are projecting your values and what you would do onto someone else. If he *wants *to leave her and just can't, that is weakness. But if he doesn't desire to leave her, how is that weak? It's his life to evaluate and his decision to make and it may be the opposite of how you would feel and what you would do, but I don't think you have the authority to say he should leave her or that his consciously choosing not to because he see's more benefits and happiness staying with her is necessarily out of weakness.

On a side note - here's to starting over in your early 50's. I'm going through that right now myself. In my case, there was no affair, but staying would have been weakness because I would have only been doing it for his feelings, not because I believed my life would be better with him.


----------



## Knips

What also would be a major issue with me is that the wife her actions for the past 30 years are based on guilt, not on love for her husband. She should have confessed 30 years ago So each would have gotten the chanse to lead a normal family life based on love for each other, not based on guilt.


----------



## oldtruck

BluesPower said:


> He actually did have ONE of the three children that were his, so it is not a complete loss, if I am remembering correctly.
> 
> Really does not matter, 2 is 2 too many...


I missed that he had a son. Was that his WW giving him a consolation
prize for most families only have two kids these days.

Two OC is, no one OC is too many.


----------



## MattMatt

oldtruck said:


> I missed that he had a son. Was that his WW giving him a consolation
> prize for most families only have two kids these days.
> 
> Two OC is, no one OC is too many.


Or if the affair had continued, would she have given her lover a shot at child number 3?

I'm not entirely certain that she knew 100% for sure who the father was of the first two children.


----------



## MattMatt

BluesPower said:


> Some people cannot think black and white and some can.
> 
> There are things people take and things that they should not. It is up to each individual to decide what that is.
> 
> This man, is 1) weak, and I am sure a lot of WW's would want to say he is strong, he is not. 2) He is the actual definition of a ****, his situation is exactly what the word was developed for.
> 
> No one is advocating that he abandon ANY of his children, but his wife, yeah, she need to go away.
> 
> How any man could allow himself to remain with her is unbelievable to me. It is not the cheating so much as it is the lying and the cuckoldry that is horrifying...


I think some people have problems with the word cuckold. It's overlaid with a lot of sniggery finger pointing and mocking.

Which really isn't helpful.


----------



## Andy1001

MattMatt said:


> Or if the affair had continued, would she have given her lover a shot at child number 3?
> 
> I'm not entirely certain that she knew 100% for sure who the father was of the first two children.


She’s still lying to him so he will never know the truth about how long the affair lasted.
My guess would be right up till her boyfriend died.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Honestly i think he is still in shock, when something as devastating as this happens, the first thought is to grab your dearest possessions (in this case his family including his wife) in the mean time his mind will try to continue to rationalize the events and try to make sense of it...but i suspect that in six months maybe a year when he adjust to his new way of life that he may very well reconsider his decision, no matter what the wife does to keep him. It has happen before, and in case less severe than this.


----------



## MattMatt

Andy1001 said:


> She’s still lying to him so he will never know the truth about how long the affair lasted.
> My guess would be right up till her boyfriend died.


His wife became suspicious so his OW was hurled under the nearest bus at high speed, is my guess.

And then she realised exactly how little she meant to him.


----------



## Knips

Hubby is now holding to his family as he used to know. But he will realize that the family he had lies in the past. With the knowledge he has now the family relationship cannot be anymore as it was used to be. His kids are not his (he will be triggered each time he sees or speaks his daughters) His wife is fallen of her pedestal and appears to be a cheating lying person. The daughters will wonder who the bio father was and will ask for info, pictures. The cheating will be kept fresh and alive because of these triggers. If hubby stays he will have a unhappy future. But he holds on on the past (which was one big lie) I hope he searches a very good psychologist because he will need it.


----------



## MattMatt

Knips said:


> Hubby is now holding to his family as he used to know. But he will realize that the family he had lies in the past. With the knowledge he has now the family relationship cannot be anymore as it was used to be. His kids are not his (he will be triggered each time he sees or speaks his daughters) His wife is fallen of her pedestal and appears to be a cheating lying person. The daughters will wonder who the bio father was and will ask for info, pictures. The cheating will be kept fresh and alive because of these triggers. If hubby stays he will have a unhappy future. But he holds on on the past (which was one big lie) I hope he searches a very good psychologist because he will need it.


Hopefully he can have a future with his family, too.

After all, the girls his son grew up with are not his full sisters, they are his half sisters and that can't be a good place for him, or them.


----------



## sokillme

WorkingWife said:


> I think you are projecting your values and what you would do onto someone else. If he *wants *to leave her and just can't, that is weakness. But if he doesn't desire to leave her, how is that weak? It's his life to evaluate and his decision to make and it may be the opposite of how you would feel and what you would do, but I don't think you have the authority to say he should leave her or that his consciously choosing not to because he see's more benefits and happiness staying with her is necessarily out of weakness.
> 
> On a side note - here's to starting over in your early 50's. I'm going through that right now myself. In my case, there was no affair, but staying would have been weakness because I would have only been doing it for his feelings, not because I believed my life would be better with him.


Read his post, he gushes about her like nothing happened. He is very traumatized right now it's pretty obvious. He is in denial, unfortunately everyone posting is not doing him any favors by not challenging him but telling him how great he is. I feel sorry for him but there is no honor in putting your head in the sand. It just perpetuates the lie. What people should be doing is empowering him to have courage. It's like a car crash were the injured can't see but ask how bad is it and everyone says, not that bad, meanwhile it's really beyond repair. 

I personally believe the morally responsible thing to do is to leave when there is terrible abuse such as these cases. Any time someone terribly abuses another human being and that human being chooses to continue to share their life with them like nothing happened we are all worse off for it. Some actions are just so heinous that if they continue without some consequence they drag down society. 

I see it like child labor, slavery, to me this falls right in that category, modern society needs to evolve to the point where this is not permitted and just the thought of it to the modern mind causes revulsion. Imagine if there were no recourse for rape, or murder, what would that mean for society if that was the case. Yet there isn't when it comes to this kind of abuse and it's just wrong and shows how primitive we are still.


----------



## sokillme

Andy1001 said:


> She’s still lying to him so he will never know the truth about how long the affair lasted.
> My guess would be right up till her boyfriend died.


He should ask the other guys wife if his wife was at his funeral. I believe they were social acquaintances. She might know right away. If she was that's all you need to know about this.


----------



## BluesPower

MattMatt said:


> I think some people have problems with the word cuckold. It's overlaid with a lot of sniggery finger pointing and mocking.
> 
> Which really isn't helpful.


Not really sure what your point is Matt. It is in fact the English word that is used in these situations. 

Maybe you can help me understand?


----------



## Rubix Cubed

BluesPower said:


> Not really sure what your point is Matt. It is in fact the English word that is used in these situations.
> 
> Maybe you can help me understand?


 I believe he's saying as right as you may be the word itself, though properly used, offends some folks sensibilities and likely results in a reaction you might not see as if you said a "duped father" or such. 
I say call a spade a spade, but expect the reaction if you do so.


----------



## BluesPower

Rubix Cubed said:


> I believe he's saying as right as you may be the word itself, though properly used, offends some folks sensibilities and likely results in a reaction you might not see as if you said a "duped father" or such.
> 
> I say call a spade a spade, but expect the reaction if you do so.


Well, I don't necessarily care or not care about reaction, myself. 

Calling **** feces does not make is smell better. 

Further, why can't we as humans speak plain truth and let it stand? Why do differently? 

In general this is one of the grave problems in the world. It seems that the truth is a problem for some people. 

This man in this situation is a weak man that has no self-respect. And I am not so sure his wife is through lying to him either. All the things she said sound like a evil woman, trying to save the rest of her life by convincing her stupid husband that she actually loves him. 

If she loved him she would disappear without another word to him, if she loved him that is.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

BluesPower said:


> Further, why can't we as humans speak plain truth and let it stand? Why do differently?
> 
> In general this is one of the grave problems in the world. It seems that the truth is a problem for some people.


 You're barking up the wrong tree if this is directed at me. I'm with you 100% on this, and I expect that is painfully obvious in my posts.


----------



## BluesPower

Rubix Cubed said:


> You're barking up the wrong tree if this is directed at me. I'm with you 100% on this, and I expect that is painfully obvious in my posts.


No, not to you. I have an issue with the concept of not using the correct word for what happened.


----------



## aine

That poor man, my heart breaks for him. How on earth could his wife kept him in the dark for so long? That is utterly cruel.


----------



## Luminous

aine said:


> That poor man, my heart breaks for him. How on earth could his wife kept him in the dark for so long? That is utterly cruel.


The part that I think is the cruelest, if the fact that this secret was probably going to be taken to her grave


----------



## Laurentium

Well, I'll answer the question in the thread title - what would I have done - but it is a very different question from "what should the reddit guy do?" I don't assume he should act as I would act. 

And maybe I come to it from a place where it's hard for me to imagine his situation. I am pretty sure that for the whole of her life, until the day she died, the only person my wife had sex with was me. So perhaps I am more secure, or something. But I think I'd try to forgive her. There would need to be conversations, maybe in front of a counselor if I could find one that was any good. Part of that conversation might even include me telling her: "you do realise, if we stay together, you can never complain about anything, ever again?" 
I'm not sure she could have taken that deal. 

I would absolutely want to continue my relationship with the children.


----------



## Gabriel

Assuming this story is actually true....

1) She didn't know until the DNA test that the kids were not her husband's. She kept the affair secret, obviously, and she knew it was possible that the kids could be the OMs, but the original post said that she didn't KNOW the kids were the OM's until that moment.

2) I would need way more time than a few days to decide anything. This is a life-altering, nightmare situation. My instinct, however, would be hang onto those kids even tighter. They are all adults, but I'd want to spend more time with them, talk about everything, be very clear I would always be their father, but also be very honest about how devastating the news is. I would plead with them to keep me in their lives, tell them that this news is hard for everyone, but our relationship needs to remain strong.

3) Given their ages and stage in life, I would probably informally separate. No real point (in his particular case) in divorcing. Just live separately, deal with each other only for family events and such and otherwise go to work, hang with friends, whatever. In times of medical care, you'd still have each other as spouses if that came to be, as legally married with many years of good history. But no chance I could just live the same way, with her in the house every day. For my own sanity, I would need at least that one dire consequence for her.


----------



## personofinterest

BluesPower said:


> Not really sure what your point is Matt. It is in fact the English word that is used in these situations.
> 
> Maybe you can help me understand?


He is saying that 99% of people view the word with a negative connotation (as likely do you, since that is the word you chose to make the point). And that since it IS inflammatory, it might not be absolutely necessary to use THAT exact word to get the point across that this man should likely not stand by and take this. I mean, men who date a lot of women and brag about it have their own term as well, but I wouldn't call someone that unless I was being intentionally abrasive or trying to put them down.


----------



## personofinterest

> I would absolutely want to continue my relationship with the children.


This is the part of the choice that absolutely separates the men from the.....not


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> He is saying that 99% of people view the word with a negative connotation (as likely do you, since that is the word you chose to make the point). And that since it IS inflammatory, it might not be absolutely necessary to use THAT exact word to get the point across that this man should likely not stand by and take this. I mean, men who date a lot of women and brag about it have their own term as well, but I wouldn't call someone that unless I was being intentionally abrasive or trying to put them down.


As much as I love the things you say, I just could not disagree more. Is it offensive, could be, and you know what, it should be. 

What she did is offensive and unforgivable on many levels. I believe that we should use the proper word, but I will bend to the will of several of you guys and not use that word...


----------



## Rob_1

How would I handle it:

that would have been the last time she would have ever seen or talk to me. At that moment she would have been dead to me. The daughters? They would still be my children.


----------



## MAJDEATH

For those who have advised to sue for back child support, that's not gonna happen. Under US law if your W gets pregnant, you are the father.


----------



## personofinterest

Rob_1 said:


> How would I handle it:
> 
> that would have been the last time she would have ever seen or talk to me. At that moment she would have been dead to me. The daughters? They would still be my children.


----------



## ConanHub

BruceBanner said:


> Source
> 
> Here is part 2.


I would keep the kids and dump the tramp.

I would divorce her and go on an adventure to please myself and knock a few things off my bucket list.

I might tell her she could date me again but she would have to wait her turn and she could not date anyone else while she was waiting. After all, she had a hell of a lot more sex and gave her lover more children as well. If she couldn't wait for another shot while I sowed my own goddamned oats, she could go straight to hell and stay.

Hard to believe b1tches like that exist.


----------



## BruceBanner

MAJDEATH said:


> For those who have advised to sue for back child support, that's not gonna happen. Under US law if your W gets pregnant, you are the father.


One of those laws that reminds me of why I'm not an advocate for marriage.



personofinterest said:


> This is the part of the choice that absolutely separates the men from the.....not


A man leaving in a situation like this wouldn't make him any less of a man. If his emotional health demands getting away from this trainwreck of a situation then I'm not going to judge him. @personofinterest


----------



## Laurentium

ConanHub said:


> I might tell her she could date me again but she would have to wait her turn and she could not date anyone else while she was waiting.


Now that's creative!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

BluesPower said:


> I have an issue with the concept of not using the correct word for ...


 You, Me, and Jordan Petersen.


----------



## TX-SC

I like to think of myself as strong of will and that I would dump her immediately and move on. But, in reality, I would probably forgive her and try to make my marriage work. It would be immensely difficult, but not impossible. She is showing true remorse (or, what I assume is true remorse) and appears to be willing to do anything, including losing her husband if necessary.

So, I guess, if this marriage isn't salvageable, then probably none are after infidelity.


----------



## BruceBanner

TX-SC said:


> I like to think of myself as strong of will and that I would dump her immediately and move on. But, in reality, I would probably forgive her and try to make my marriage work. It would be immensely difficult, but not impossible. She is showing true remorse (or, what I assume is true remorse) and appears to be willing to do anything, including losing her husband if necessary.
> 
> So, I guess, if this marriage isn't salvageable, then probably none are after infidelity.


It's a shame she couldn't be "truly remorseful" decades ago.


----------



## personofinterest

BruceBanner said:


> One of those laws that reminds me of why I'm not an advocate for marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> A man leaving in a situation like this wouldn't make him any less of a man. If his emotional health demands getting away from this trainwreck of a situation then I'm not going to judge him. @personofinterest


Yeah, you've made it clear you'd kick any kid to the curb who didn't share your DNA, no matter how long he/she has called you daddy. I'm not real certain that is something to be proud of...


----------



## Gabriel

TX-SC said:


> So, I guess, if this marriage isn't salvageable, then probably none are after infidelity.


This makes no sense. So this would be easier to salvage than one where a spouse had one quickie with a condom? Or engaged in an emotional affair with no sex?

That's nuts.


----------



## TX-SC

Gabriel said:


> This makes no sense. So this would be easier to salvage than one where a spouse had one quickie with a condom? Or engaged in an emotional affair with no sex?
> 
> That's nuts.


I think you are missing my point. I'm not saying that all types of infidelity are created equal or that a long term affair is the same as a ONS. I was specifically speaking to how the wayward reacted to being outed and what she has done since then. No trickle-truthing, no downplaying or rug sweeping, offering to do whatever it takes to help her husband heal, etc. From that perspective, she is following the textbook advice that others here on the forum espouse for how to help your spouse heal from being cheated on. Yes, her having hid it was a grave mistake (heck, DOING it was a grave mistake), but if you read some people's threads here, they would honestly NOT want to know if their spouse cheated years ago. They would rather just being oblivious and enjoy their life. 

The man in this post has been significantly wronged and his life is changed forever. Everything that he thought he knew has been turned on its head. However, his wife is doing things "right" in terms of trying to heal his hurt and working with him to see what HE needs, even offering up a divorce or separation if it is what he wants.

What she did was horrible and some would say that withholding it from her husband for so many years was even worse. But, as I stated, I would probably do the same thing he is doing now. I would likely be horribly hurt but would try to salvage the wonderful marriage I have had SINCE the cheating.


----------



## personofinterest

TX I think it boils down to the level of betrayal. If someone stole 10 bucks from me and was moderately sorry, I'd likely just let it go.

If someone assaulted my child repeatedly, it really wouldn't matter how remorseful they were afterward or how many things they did "right."

Being really really remorseful and transparent is not a panacea.


----------



## BluesPower

TX-SC said:


> I think you are missing my point. I'm not saying that all types of infidelity are created equal or that a long term affair is the same as a ONS. I was specifically speaking to how the wayward reacted to being outed and what she has done since then. No trickle-truthing, no downplaying or rug sweeping, offering to do whatever it takes to help her husband heal, etc. From that perspective, she is following the textbook advice that others here on the forum espouse for how to help your spouse heal from being cheated on. Yes, her having hid it was a grave mistake (heck, DOING it was a grave mistake), but if you read some people's threads here, they would honestly NOT want to know if their spouse cheated years ago. They would rather just being oblivious and enjoy their life.
> 
> The man in this post has been significantly wronged and his life is changed forever. Everything that he thought he knew has been turned on its head. However, his wife is doing things "right" in terms of trying to heal his hurt and working with him to see what HE needs, even offering up a divorce or separation if it is what he wants.
> 
> What she did was horrible and some would say that withholding it from her husband for so many years was even worse. But, as I stated, I would probably do the same thing he is doing now. I would likely be horribly hurt but would try to salvage the wonderful marriage I have had SINCE the cheating.


I am sorry, but this... this is insane. 

It is just insane. I mean, you cannot actually believe what you are saying.


----------



## Gabriel

BluesPower said:


> I am sorry, but this... this is insane.
> 
> It is just insane. I mean, you cannot actually believe what you are saying.


Agreed. The crime is just way too big to move forward with no major ramifications. No matter how remorseful.

I honestly believe this is the most egregious crime a woman can commit against her husband. And it happened twice. And the longer ago that it happened, the worse the crime is...this was what 25-30 years of thinking his kids were his? Doing that at 6 months old is bad enough but he has spent his whole adult life raising them.

I have occasional nightmares about this. With no DNA test, fathers really don't 100% know for sure (unless it's a total mini-me or something).


----------



## syhoybenden

TX-SC said:


> The man in this post has been significantly wronged and his life is changed forever. Everything that he thought he knew has been turned on its head.
> .....
> What she did was horrible and some would say that withholding it from her husband for so many years was even worse.


Gabriel added "I honestly believe this is the most egregious crime a woman can commit against her husband. And it happened twice. And the longer ago that it happened, the worse the crime is...this was what 25-30 years of thinking his kids were his? Doing that at 6 months old is bad enough but he has spent his whole adult life raising them."

It doesn't mean he has to turn his back on the kids. He was their, unknowing, adoptive father. He is still their father.

His "wife" however, .......... deserves nothing less than his denying her very existence until his, or her, dying day.


----------



## BluesPower

syhoybenden said:


> It doesn't mean he has to turn his back on the kids. He was their, unknowing, adoptive father. He is still their father.
> 
> His "wife" however, .......... deserves nothing less than his denying her very existence until his, or her, dying day.


I am not sure of numbers, but the vast majority of people have never said to disown or cut contact with the children.

All agree that the children are innocent...


----------



## BruceBanner

personofinterest said:


> Yeah, you've made it clear you'd kick any kid to the curb who didn't share your DNA, no matter how long he/she has called you daddy. I'm not real certain that is something to be proud of...


That's not what I said. It's easy to say that when you'll never have to wonder whether a kid is yours or not in normal circumstances. 



TX-SC said:


> No trickle-truthing, no downplaying.


Nobody knows this, not even the husband, until he gathers information and does a polygraph while asking some very specific questions.


----------



## GusPolinski

TX-SC said:


> I think you are missing my point. I'm not saying that all types of infidelity are created equal or that a long term affair is the same as a ONS. I was specifically speaking to how the wayward reacted to being outed and what she has done since then. No trickle-truthing, no downplaying or rug sweeping, offering to do whatever it takes to help her husband heal, etc. From that perspective, she is following the textbook advice that others here on the forum espouse for how to help your spouse heal from being cheated on. Yes, her having hid it was a grave mistake (heck, DOING it was a grave mistake), but if you read some people's threads here, they would honestly NOT want to know if their spouse cheated years ago. They would rather just being oblivious and enjoy their life.
> 
> The man in this post has been significantly wronged and his life is changed forever. Everything that he thought he knew has been turned on its head. However, his wife is doing things "right" in terms of trying to heal his hurt and working with him to see what HE needs, even offering up a divorce or separation if it is what he wants.
> 
> What she did was horrible and some would say that withholding it from her husband for so many years was even worse. But, as I stated, I would probably do the same thing he is doing now. I would likely be horribly hurt but would try to salvage the wonderful marriage I have had SINCE the cheating.


First, you’re assuming she’s telling the truth _now_.

At best that’s foolish.

Second, they’ve _never_ had a wonderful marriage.

_She_ has.

All he’s had is 30+ years of wonderful LIES.


----------



## GusPolinski

BruceBanner said:


> That's not what I said. It's easy to say that when you'll never have to wonder whether a kid is yours or not in normal circumstances.
> 
> Nobody knows this, not even the husband, until he gathers information and does a polygraph while asking some very specific questions.


Even then he won’t _know_.

She lied for 30+ years about having brought home another man’s children for him to raise.

Next to that a poly should be easy to beat.


----------



## Handy

Facebook support group called DNA NPE Friends—where NPE stands for “not parent expected”—that sprang up to connect the thousands of people who’ve had their identities altered by a DNA test.

The story starts at https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/10/dna-test-divorce/571684/


----------



## Rick Blaine

Man, what a brutal story. It gives deeper meaning to the 9th Commandment, doesn't it? The whole family has been devastated by the wife's/mom's choices. This marriage is damaged beyond repair for two reasons. 

First, the wife carried on the affair numerous years. Long term affairs show a cold-hearted, evil disregard for one's spouse that the betrayed spouse ignores only at his or her peril. And who is to say that the WW had only one affair? The DNA tests are proof of an affair, but she could be holding on to other lies. Fours years of cheating establishes a pattern. And so often serial cheaters continue that pattern living secret double lives. Regardless of whether or not there were more affairs, if a spouse can hurt and devastate his or her partner in this way over such a long period of time (4 years that he knows of), how can the spouse ever reconcile that? 

Secondly, the lies continued for decades. Anyone who has been betrayed by infidelity will tell you that the lies hurt and humiliate as much as the affair itself. That's because marriage is based on trust and integrity. When trust is trampled on over and over and over the relationship completely disintegrates. How does one put back the pieces of that kind of devastation? This is the very definition of FUBAR.

The two children are tragic victims in this too, of course. They are now a living sign of the betrayal, and though they are not to be blamed, their very existence is now a known product of infidelity. I believe that love prevails, and the father will and should accept them as his own. And they will continue to flourish in that love. However, these children--completely innocent in this whole travesty--are now scarred for life. And their mother exacerbated the ordeal by withholding the truth for so many years. The dramatic discovery of their mother's adultery after the DNA testing was a damaging moment for them. Regardless of how resilient people are, some damaging actions can scar for life. All this because of two people's selfish choices. 

Although I understand why it is frustrating to some, I don't blame the husband for vacillating. This is a shock and his whole paradigm of love and marriage--the bedrock of his existence--has crumbled to the ground. It's natural for a committed spouse to first try and salvage the marriage. For him trying to save the marriage may be what he regards at the time as the honorable thing to do, especially if he's Catholic. But in my opinion, the marriage was never on a firm foundation. The wife's infidelity was proof it was built on sand. It just took 30 years to discover the truth. After the shock wears off, maybe he'll understand that his marriage was actually a mirage. (See what I did there?) 

Were I in his shoes I would divorce her and stay a father to the children. I would also end contact with her so that he can move forward with his life and she with hers.


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## Gabriel

GusPolinski said:


> Even then he won’t _know_.
> 
> She lied for 30+ years about having brought home another man’s children for him to raise.
> 
> Next to that a poly should be easy to beat.


Sort of. She didn't know whose kids they were. She didn't deliberately bring home someone else's kids. She let two men spread their seed into her for years and she didn't know which dad won the sperm war. Felt it was best not to know. Then she learned, along with the rest of them, when the DNA test was done.

Doesn't take away from the horror of what she has done, but her 30+ year lie was the affair, and knowing it could be possible that the kids weren't her husbands. Clearly doing the ostrich.


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## personofinterest

Gabriel said:


> Sort of. She didn't know whose kids they were. She didn't deliberately bring home someone else's kids. She let two men spread their seed into her for years and she didn't know which dad won the sperm war. Felt it was best not to know. Then she learned, along with the rest of them, when the DNA test was done.
> 
> Doesn't take away from the horror of what she has done, but her 30+ year lie was the affair, and knowing it could be possible that the kids weren't her husbands. Clearly doing the ostrich.


Even my beautician couldn't split hairs this finely lol.....


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## Gabriel

personofinterest said:


> Even my beautician couldn't split hairs this finely lol.....


LMAO. 

It's a gift.


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## Taxman

I know the OP wants to forgive and reconcile. Her silence has maneuvered him into this unenviable position. There is no winning for him. Certainly he can reconcile. My money is on a scenario about 1-2 years from now. The injustice coupled with extreme inability to address this because of its age will grate on him. I believe his forgiveness will wane. Eventually he will blow up, or begin treating her with contempt. He will act out, either by anger or sexually. He will end the marriage. 
He keeps working the sunk cost fallacy in his posts. I think of members like Cromer or Ambivalent One on SI. Men who did not do a damn thing to deserve their treatment, and when the **** the fan, the WW just falls apart. Looking for pity? Hoping the major transgression doesn’t mess up their makeup too much.


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## BluesPower

Gabriel said:


> Sort of. She didn't know whose kids they were. She didn't deliberately bring home someone else's kids. She let two men spread their seed into her for years and she didn't know which dad won the sperm war. Felt it was best not to know. Then she learned, along with the rest of them, when the DNA test was done.
> 
> Doesn't take away from the horror of what she has done, but her 30+ year lie was the affair, and knowing it could be possible that the kids weren't her husbands. Clearly doing the ostrich.


There is nothing in the story that suggest that she did not know. She at least had a suspicion. In fact, more than, because she was carrying the guilt of what she had done, and she was worried that it would come out. You are not that worried about an affair after 30 years. If the kids were his we would not be talking about it. 

I suspect that she knew. My Ex W knew that exact time that she got pregnant with our 3 kids. 

She knows/knew, or highly suspected...


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## Gabriel

Maybe I misread it. But I thought I saw the guy write that she didn't know. Surely she knew she was pregnant, but not who the father was. Likely having sex with both of them on the regular. Could have been either of them. She just WANTED it to be her husband's kid. Buried the possibility it wasn't. Then the DNA test....

That said, maybe I didn't read it right.

This story makes me want to DNA my kids on the down low, just to be 100% sure. I mean, really, do any of us 100% know without one? Freaking terrifying.


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## Decorum

Dont ask me to explain it, but my guess is she had a VERY high certainty who the bio-dad was.

Her ignorance was more a coping mechanism illuminated by a gaslight!


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## Graywolf2

Gabriel said:


> She just WANTED it to be her husband's kid. Buried the possibility it wasn't. Then the DNA test....


I’m a fact guy. In fact my favorite quote is by the 2nd president of the US, John Adams.

_"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."

_It took me a long time to understand that some people think differently. They can ignore facts quite easily. His wife might be one of those people.


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## GusPolinski

Gabriel said:


> Sort of. She didn't know whose kids they were. She didn't deliberately bring home someone else's kids. She let two men spread their seed into her for years and she didn't know which dad won the sperm war. Felt it was best not to know. Then she learned, along with the rest of them, when the DNA test was done.
> 
> Doesn't take away from the horror of what she has done, but her 30+ year lie was the affair, and knowing it could be possible that the kids weren't her husbands. Clearly doing the ostrich.


She knew there was a significant chance that at least one of her kids wasn’t her husband’s biological offspring.

That alone is enough of a lie to make her pretty pro at lying.


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## GusPolinski

Gabriel said:


> Maybe I misread it. But I thought I saw the guy write that she didn't know. Surely she knew she was pregnant, but not who the father was. Likely having sex with both of them on the regular. Could have been either of them. *She just WANTED it to be her husband's kid. Buried the possibility it wasn't.* Then the DNA test....
> 
> That said, maybe I didn't read it right.
> 
> This story makes me want to DNA my kids on the down low, just to be 100% sure. I mean, really, do any of us 100% know without one? Freaking terrifying.


...and then did it _again_.

And Hell, maybe even a third time.

Paternity tests should be compulsory at birth.

What’s a test cost? 300 bucks?

That’s _less than_ a drop in the bucket by comparison.

Tell you what, though, for the guys that just don’t feel the need, let them turn down the test.

For a $2000 filing fee. :lol: :rofl:


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## Andy1001

Graywolf2 said:


> I’m a fact guy. In fact my favorite quote is by the 2nd president of the US, John Adams.
> 
> _"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."
> 
> _It took me a long time to understand that some people think differently. They can ignore facts quite easily. His wife might be one of those people.


Well here’s a fact everyone on tam is ignoring,the story is a lie.
She claimed she started her affair because she felt old and unattractive because she was a married woman with a child at twenty one.
She didn’t have a child until she started screwing around.
This story has more holes than a colander.


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## jlg07

"This story has more holes than a coriander." i REALLY laughed at this. Gotta love auto-correct!


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## Gabriel

Andy1001 said:


> Well here’s a fact everyone on tam is ignoring,the story is a lie.
> She claimed she started her affair because she felt old and unattractive because she was a married woman with a child at twenty one.
> She didn’t have a child until she started screwing around.
> This story has more holes than a coriander.


Not sure we are ignoring the holes....most of us are saying "if the story is true", and even if it's not, it's a good topic to explore.


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## MattMatt

Andy1001 said:


> Well here’s a fact everyone on tam is ignoring,the story is a lie.
> She claimed she started her affair because she felt old and unattractive because she was a married woman with a child at twenty one.
> She didn’t have a child until she started screwing around.
> This story has more holes than a colander.


It's a story on Reddit, which should raise a flag immediately!


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## Andy1001

jlg07 said:


> "This story has more holes than a coriander." i REALLY laughed at this. Gotta love auto-correct!


I hadn’t noticed the mistake to be honest,and I can’t blame autocorrect.
I was at an airport early yesterday morning and when I got some coffee they were selling gingerbread which I love.The ingredients were listed and coriander was one that stuck in my mind for some reason.
Of course I meant colander lol.


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## BruceBanner

Andy1001 said:


> Well here’s a fact everyone on tam is ignoring,the story is a lie.
> She claimed she started her affair because she felt old and unattractive because she was a married woman with a child at twenty one.
> She didn’t have a child until she started screwing around.
> This story has more holes than a colander.


I don't think it's a lie. They were married for 33 years at the age of 19 and the oldest is 29 and a pregnancy takes about a year.


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## Graywolf2

Andy1001 said:


> Well here’s a fact everyone on tam is ignoring, the story is a lie.
> She claimed she started her affair because she felt old and unattractive because she was a married woman with a child at twenty one.





BruceBanner said:


> I don't think it's a lie. They were married for 33 years at the age of 19 and the oldest is 29 and a pregnancy takes about a year.


Her first child was the OM’s. 

Sex with the OM is what made her a mother.

It may have been a calculated lie but it also fits a pattern with her. i.e. Ignoring inconvenient facts.

She was having sex with two men but her husband was 100% the father. 

She was feeling unattractive and did become a mother. Close enough.


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## Tatsuhiko

He posted an update to this horrible story: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivingi...edsupport_i_think_ive_gone_crazy_and_have_no/


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## Tatsuhiko

duplicate post


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## bandit.45

Good for him. I hope he keeps driving, and driving and driving. I hope he's playing some good Neil Young and Buffalo Springfield songs. Once he gets to San Diego, he should turn North and head up the 1 along the coast until he gets to Oregon and Washington. Just keep driving.

He can flip his retirement into a 401k and find a new job. I hope he stays away from his WW for a long time. This is a well-deserved midlife crisis.


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## Luminous

He is doing something for himself, which is a step in the right direction as he has been Mr Selfless up until this point.

On a side note, 2018 Camaro ZL1...bet she is a beauty on the open road. Must sound great when WOT (Wide Open Throttle)


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## sokillme

This is a better post then the last one. I wonder if this story is even true.

Wonder how fiercely his wife will want him if he stops being the solid, safe provider he has been all these years, but instead starts spending money on cars and not working so hard. It's not like she hasn't shown where her mindset is already.


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## Rick Blaine

Maybe he left out the part where he blackmails the SOB controller into a hefty severance package. And then somewhere along the line he applies for a job at a fast food restaurant. The young manager tells him he's overqualified, and he retorts that he wants a job with the least possible amount of responsibility. A satisfactory grin settles on his face while saying it. He buys weed from a new teenage friend and smokes it on breaks following it up with the free hamburger he gets as a perque. 

American Beauty if you haven't figured it out by now. It was a damn good movie that told a lot of people's story. Or at least part of it.

Men often do live lives of quiet desperation.


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## syhoybenden

He seems to be moving in the right direction. Now he just needs to throw his cellphone away.


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## RWB

Rick Blaine said:


> *Men often do live lives of quiet desperation.*


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key."






Truthful Story? Regardless... Charmed are those that don't wake up 50+ years old one day, cheated on, exhausted from chasing the white rabbit, working like a some hired hand... contemplating and I've done this for 30+ years for what?


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## Gabriel

Rick Blaine said:


> Maybe he left out the part where he blackmails the SOB controller into a hefty severance package. And then somewhere along the line he applies for a job at a fast food restaurant. The young manager tells him he's overqualified, and he retorts that he wants a job with the least possible amount of responsibility. A satisfactory grin settles on his face while saying it. He buys weed from a new teenage friend and smokes it on breaks following it up with the free hamburger he gets as a perque.
> 
> American Beauty if you haven't figured it out by now. It was a damn good movie that told a lot of people's story. Or at least part of it.
> 
> Men often do live lives of quiet desperation.


Hell yes. That movie kicks ass. So much ass.

This guy is doing about the most healthy thing he could be doing. I love it how worried his wife is. Perfect.


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## BruceBanner

Here we go again. 23AndMe exposes infidelity and Paternity Fraud from almost four decades ago. Archive link.



> I took advantage of the holiday deal for the two test offer at half price, thinking it will be fun to see just how Italian I am, and where my presumed eastern European wife is actually from. My results came a week before hers, with the expected 90 percent plus Italian for me, and to our amusement .1 percent Nigerian.
> 
> The following week her test comes back with 50 percent Askenazi Jewish, and nearly 50 percent Italian with the typical various southern European sprinklings, as well as .3percent west African. Needless to say this was pretty surprising and funny since my wife and I have a healthy gag going about or opposing cultures (Mostly cooking ability and family values) She wants me to be more sensitive and doting, while I would like her to up her gravy game.
> 
> So figuring this would be a lark, I group text her mom, dad (who are divorced a few years now) brother, and sister with the results. None of the group is particularly well versed in genetics and assumes her dad must have some Italian in him because of her mom's very eastern European appearance. Black hair, green eyes, fair skin.
> 
> Edit: for clarity/ lack of genetic/geographic understanding. Mom is assumed to be heavily Ashkenazi Jew. ​
> 
> Well as it turns out, it was her mom who had the Italian in(side) her, literally.
> 
> Edit: this was intended as humor, went over A LOT of peoples heads, Mom is NOT Italian. She obviously ****ed an Italian guy in an adulterous manner, not sure how much more clear I can make this.
> 
> ​
> 
> The way this became obvious is that while we are having a laugh about this, her dad surprises us with the fact he had a test done too, the results....100 percent Ashkenazi Jewish and he is NOT showing as a relative of hers.
> 
> ​
> 
> As I mentioned, to make matters worse, her mom remarried quickly after their split, to an old family friend, who is 100 percent Italian, at this point it hits everyone that not only is my wife's father not her bio dad but it is likely my wife’s “new” bio dad is her step dad.
> 
> edit: it is likely that my MIL’s new husband is actually my wife’s bio dad, because he is Italian, was around the family, 37 years ago, my MIL is a *****.
> 
> ​
> 
> Needless to say there is a bunch of anger going in multiple directions.
> 
> Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.
> 
> last note outside of additional info and relevant reactions.
> 
> I sincerely apologize for being a condescending angry person that unintentionally trolled 100s, maybe 1000s of people by employing a mildly creative writing style. I really feel terrible for the people who take the time to read this and respond and all they have is, your writing is ****ty, I know a few people like you in person, I now understand them much better, however it warms my heart to know this happened. Thank you to the people who shared similar stories, shocked by the number, and those of you who empathized with the various affected family members.
> 
> ​
> 
> TLR An innocent genetic test I shared for a joke revealed my wife has a new bio dad much to the surprise of everyone in her family.


----------



## Zodiac

I feel like this is on of those moments, when you could get away with Temporary Insanity. Horrible, couldn't even fathom.


----------



## sokillme

BruceBanner said:


> Here we go again. 23AndMe exposes infidelity and Paternity Fraud from almost four decades ago. Archive link.


At least they are divorced. 

I hope there is a God. Even if I have to pay for all my ****, it will be worth it if there is some justice for the people who suffer like this.


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## BruceBanner

Unexpected update. Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivingi...ate_i_havent_been_on_reddit_in_quite_a_while/ 

Archive: https://archive.fo/LvHWP




> But I've received a lot of messages asking for an update. I'm the man who found out my two oldest children are not my biological children. Found out my wife had a full on affair many years ago and our daughters are his.
> 
> ​
> 
> My historical posts are listed below.
> 
> ​First:
> 
> https://www.reddit.com/r/survivingi...upport_new_to_this_sub_absolutely_devastated/
> 
> Second:
> 
> https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/9mpjlg/needsupport_im_surviving/
> 
> Third:
> 
> https://www.reddit.com/r/survivingi...edsupport_i_think_ive_gone_crazy_and_have_no/
> 
> ​I apologize for not updating sooner but there have been so many changes in my life in the last few months. In a way I don't even remember who I was or what I felt like before this happened. It's like I do remember but it seems so long ago. I'm a different person now and I don't think I can ever go back to who I was. Who I used to be was shaped in large part around my marriage which was the biggest part of my life. Now I don't know what to think of that.
> 
> ​
> 
> Anyway, of course I traveled back home. I had a blast in California. I met a lot of interesting people and talked to some very pretty women around my age. I was able to really let go of this crazy situation for a while and exist as a different person. I called my boss and was able to take leave. Now they know what is going on, which I hate, but at least them knowing has made them more willing to give me the time I need to deal with it.
> 
> ​
> 
> I still have the Camaro. It's sitting outside my office right now. I love that car and I drive it too fast everywhere I go.
> 
> I've realized I hate my career. I thought I loved it before but I think I loved the life it provided my wife and our family. I really no longer care about that life very much when you remove that I started seeing a lot of other things differently. I don't want to work for other people anymore. I'm planning my exit strategy. I have a great retirement account. Even if I have to surrender half to my wife (if it comes to that) I'll still be fine. I want to do something else. I'm thinking of opening a bar/diner in a very hip part of town. I'm actually pretty good with cooking for large groups and love to do it. I do a lot of different types of burgers, tacos, fajitas, etc. Perfect bar food. That's just an idea. We'll see.
> 
> ​
> 
> As for my wife, I'm back home but I don't act husbandly with her. I'm not mean to her, and we are currently still married, but I just don't care. I've lost my ability to care about her like a husband cares for a wife and I can't get it back. My existence there is pleasant enough. I do whatever I want when I want and check with no one. She tries to let me know her comings and goings but I tell her that's not necessary. She's being very pleasant around me and is so ashamed of herself. I can tell. I think something she valued in our lives is how much respect I had for her. I did. I had more respect for my wife than any other human being I've ever had in my life. Now I feel no respect for her at all. None. It's like she erased the biggest and best thing that had happened in my life up to this point. My marriage.
> 
> ​
> 
> Of course EVERYONE gives me advice. "Go to marriage counseling", "it was so long ago", "don't ruin the best thing in your life because of a stupid mistake she made so long ago", "she's been an amazing wife and mother you have to give her credit for that". Blah blah blah. Literally EVERYONE in my life has an opinion on how I can heal and what I should do.
> 
> ​
> 
> To be honest, I don't know what the future holds and right now I don't care. It's pleasant at the house. I've moved to the finished basement and come and go as I please. My wife doesn't bother me, pressure me, or give me any type of **** at all. I think she's just thankful that I'm still here. I think she thinks that as long as I'm still at home and haven't filed for divorce that we may come through this. I have no answer to that and that doesn't bother me at all. When the answer or the path forward becomes clear to me then I'll act but two things I know for sure:
> 
> I'm not going to rush myself.
> I'm going to live for me and do whatever I want to do. NO ONE will influence whatever I do in the future but me.
> Of course I love my daughters and the relationship with all the kids is still solid. None of this was any of their fault. I just joke with them now that I had counted on one of them to give me a kidney if I needed one but I guess only my son can do that. I'd love to say nothing has changed between us but I'd be lying. It feels different for all of us. It'll never be how it was but we'll figure it out.
> 
> ​
> 
> That's kind of where I am. It's Friday afternoon at about 3:30 and I'm taking off for the weekend. Should the department head bail at 3:30? Nope. That looks bad. Do I give a ****? Nope. BTW, I also wear jeans and skechers shoes to work every day now even though I was a suit-wearing executive and all the other directors and up still are. Do I give a **** what they think about what I'm wearing? Nope. Not in the least. It's comfortable so that's how it is.
> 
> ​
> 
> Suicidal thoughts are long gone for those who asked. I do feel much better these days, just very different.
> 
> ​
> 
> Everyone have a great weekend. I know I will because I make my own fun now.


----------



## MattMatt

Damn.


----------



## StillSearching

MattMatt said:


> Damn.


"I'm the man who found out my two oldest children are not my biological children. Found out my wife had a full on affair many years ago and our daughters are his."
YUP Dam..........


----------



## TDSC60

So a 4 year long affair that produced 2 children that was kept secret while the husband raised 2 kids who are not his.

I would like to know when the affair partner passed?

Did she allow her husband to stay friends with this man knowing how humiliating it could be?

Does he really think that celebrating 33 years of lies and deception by going to dinner is the right thing to do?

Seems like he is rug sweeping the whole ordeal. Something he will live to regret.

He is as Beta as it gets. He could give classes.


----------

