# Just married and already needing help



## Uncertainwife15 (Oct 20, 2016)

I don't really know what to do for so long in my life I said that I wouldn't get married because everyone I know including my parents have been divorced and remarried multiple time. My boyfriend and I of 6 years decided to get married after buying a house together this summer (so a 30 year mortgage) I thought since we had been together for 6 years that I knew him and we would not get divorced I told him before getting married that I wanted forever and divorce wasn't an option he agreed as he has the same experience as me with his parents being divorced and remarried multiple times plus he has been married before which I have not. We are not young I am 32 and he is 37. We were just married 5 days ago. I love him and did not hesitate to have my last name changed which I did the Monday after the wedding. Now that we are married and I have made these changes I have found out that he has been texting men and women that he has found on Craigslist and that he wants to bring these other people into our sex life. My husband and I have always had an open sex life in the aspects that we have pretty much done everything except bringing other people into it and never really talked about that either. I have pleasured him by stimulating his prostate. He told me tonight that he is bisexual and that in his last marriage that he did have sex with other men while she was involved and other women with her as well. He did tell in the beginning of our relationship that he had a threesome with his ex wife and one of her friends once so that I knew. He did state that since we have been together he has not met any of these people that he has been texting that it is just a fantasy for him to think about to get off. I'm not interested in bringing other people into our sex life and he is pretty adamant about it. He is also telling me that I'm being judgmental of him and I should except him the way he is to be open about these things. He also is deleting the messages from these people so I'm not able to check to see for certain what the messages say. I have always been very trusting of him and never checked his phone because I just knew he wouldn't cheat on me or hide things from me. I believe that this is a big thing to keep from someone and is something that should have been shared and discussed with me prior to us getting married. So now here we are being married for less than a week and I found this out. I just don't know where to go from here. I need some advice I don't think I can go to my family or friends I don't want them judging him. I guess I should add as well something that I have always been upfront with him about my sister's husband cheated on her with other men and she is still with him yet they don't have a real relationship now they are only staying together for their kids my family knows about it and have made their opinions of this well known that we don't approve he has also made comments about it that he didn't think it was right. We do not have children so that wouldn't be a reason for us to stay together for but we do have dogs. I just don't know what to do from here do I really get a divorce after 5 days? Do I open up to what he wants sexually to fulfill his desires? Please help I'm desperate.


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## Uncertainwife15 (Oct 20, 2016)

To add to all the info above for being together for 6 years we have a pretty active sex life we have sex 3 to 4 days a week and sometimes multiple times a day. We had just had sex prior to finding him texting someone tonight which lead to him telling me all of that. While trying to ask questions he did become angry with me and wouldn't give me real actual answers.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Uncertainwife15 said:


> To add to all the info above for being together for 6 years we have a pretty active sex life we have sex 3 to 4 days a week and sometimes multiple times a day. We had just had sex prior to finding him texting someone tonight which lead to him telling me all of that. While trying to ask questions he did become angry with me and wouldn't give me real actual answers.



He was cheating on you by contacting people outside the marriage. He bait and switched you which means he present He bait and switch on you. He presented a false character or kept hidden some things about himself to lure you in and entrap you in a marriage. Divorce can be a healthy thing if a relationship is unrecoverable, people change and what they are attracted to changes, people cheat, people neglect. Divorce is just the ending of a relationship with legal bindings.

The question is what baggage you bring into the relationship and how detrimental those baggages are for a healthy relationship.

So, without the bond currently, would you be interested in dating him as he is now? If he wanted an open marriage, would you have dated him? You have boundaries and it seems like he does not respect it so how can you be open with anything.

He is manipulative and not just the presenting a false image. Here is an example from your own post, he asked you why you cannot just accept him. Well, that was just deflection after his deception. So, now it becomes why you did not accept his bi side after he tricked you into marrying someone else you thought he was. If he told you he was going to get a sex change operation and wanted a female form, would you have married him.

So, the main focus should be he lied to you, manipulated you, suppressing you with anger, whiling cheating on you.

So, the person you agree t marry was false advertising and he changed right after marriage. Do not let yourself be entrapped.


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## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

Wow, you've really had a lot dumped on you quickly. 

I think if you've only been married 5 days an annulment would be the quickest way to go. You can always go and have your name changed back. But that still leaves you tied to him through the house mortgage. On that point I would talk to an attorney and find options for a clean break.

Six years is a long time for him to have kept these secrets from you. I don't know how he did it. These was no pillow talk or sharing of fantasies that you could have missed? Some subtle hints? And are you sure that he hasn't already hooked up with a guy/gal or two? I think I would get tested for STDs right away and stop having sex with him. 

When my wife of 17 years and I were first living together we did the pillow talk and sharing of fantasies. Come to find out we both liked the idea of her having two men at once and we were both a little bi curious. We would role play those scenarios together and it was fun. But the seeds were planted and we decided to act on those fantasies. Long story short my ice spent one evening with another gal she met. Said it was pleasurable, crossed it off of her sexual bucket list, and never did it again. We also had 3 mfm threesomes with the same good friend of mine both before and after we were married. Over the top exciting and she really enjoyed them. But when it looked like we may have an opportunity to hook up with him again, she said she didn't want to. She felt it was something that a proper wife/mother shouldn't be doing. I on the other hand would still be doing it to this day if it were up to me. It is still my all time favorite fantasy. 

So from my experience I would say that your new husband probably won't change his mind and you don't sound like you want others in bed with you, so that's pretty incompatible. Shame on him for keeping you in the dark and for already texting people behind your back. If he's getting mad and defensive when you try and talk to him I think he may be hiding even more. 

Have you suggested counseling together?

Good luck


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Uncertainwife15 said:


> I don't really know what to do for so long in my life I said that I wouldn't get married because everyone I know including my parents have been divorced and remarried multiple time. My boyfriend and I of 6 years decided to get married after buying a house together this summer (so a 30 year mortgage) I thought since we had been together for 6 years that I knew him and we would not get divorced I told him before getting married that I wanted forever and divorce wasn't an option he agreed as he has the same experience as me with his parents being divorced and remarried multiple times plus he has been married before which I have not.


Statistically, his having been divorced presents a possibility of a lower rate of success for your relationship.

That said, statistics only apply to those that they describe. The other side of that is that a failed relationship (divorce or otherwise) can present learning opportunities on an individual, making them a much better person and much more eligible candidate for life-long romance.



> We are not young I am 32 and he is 37. We were just married 5 days ago. I love him and did not hesitate to have my last name changed which I did the Monday after the wedding. Now that we are married and I have made these changes I have found out that he has been texting men and women that he has found on Craigslist and that he wants to bring these other people into our sex life. My husband and I have always had an open sex life in the aspects that we have pretty much done everything except bringing other people into it and never really talked about that either. I have pleasured him by stimulating his prostate. He told me tonight that he is bisexual and that in his last marriage that he did have sex with other men while she was involved and other women with her as well. He did tell in the beginning of our relationship that he had a threesome with his ex wife and one of her friends once so that I knew. He did state that since we have been together he has not met any of these people that he has been texting that it is just a fantasy for him to think about to get off.


It isn't a fantasy if it is coming into reality. His past should have been disclosed and his future plans/desires need to be disclosed so that you can provide consent or to not provide consent.



> I'm not interested in bringing other people into our sex life and he is pretty adamant about it. He is also telling me that I'm being judgmental of him and I should except him the way he is to be open about these things.


Enter the victim card, meant to distort the scenario in his favor. It isn't up to me to force others to accept me. It is one thing to announce fantasies and another to announce that he desires to invite you into his fantasies. Acceptance is not part of that.



> He also is deleting the messages from these people so I'm not able to check to see for certain what the messages say. I have always been very trusting of him and never checked his phone because I just knew he wouldn't cheat on me or hide things from me. I believe that this is a big thing to keep from someone and is something that should have been shared and discussed with me prior to us getting married. So now here we are being married for less than a week and I found this out. I just don't know where to go from here. I need some advice I don't think I can go to my family or friends I don't want them judging him. I guess I should add as well something that I have always been upfront with him about my sister's husband cheated on her with other men and she is still with him yet they don't have a real relationship now they are only staying together for their kids my family knows about it and have made their opinions of this well known that we don't approve he has also made comments about it that he didn't think it was right. We do not have children so that wouldn't be a reason for us to stay together for but we do have dogs. I just don't know what to do from here do I really get a divorce after 5 days? Do I open up to what he wants sexually to fulfill his desires? Please help I'm desperate.


Don't sacrifice yourself for him. If you don't want to fulfill his desires, then you tell him and stand by it. Otherwise, if this relationship is durable, he will not use emotional poison against you to have men/women join your bedroom.

Talk to him and give him the respect to choose his next steps. By refusing to have 3rd party interference in your bedroom, you are not indicating that you want distance from him. Your actions don't spell doom. Don't take blame if he gets nasty. Give him the respect to be able to prove that the relationship can continue, in a happy and healthy manner.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Immediately file for divorce.

ETA: Annulment might be easier than divorce. Do that instead.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Classic bait and switch after six years. File for annulment or divorce, get tested for STDs (all of them) and never look back. I wouldn't have sex with him again, because you don't know where his p has been. Your standards are right for you, so don't ever compromise it for him or for anyone, and never let him talk you into an open marriage. I'd be curious to know why his first marriage ended. Was it because of the open marriage?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Uncertain,

Your husband has apparently not told you all the details of his past sex life, and cheating off of Craigslist has nothing to do with whether or not you are pleasuring his prostate. What you need to make a quick decision on is if you are going to remain in an open marriage as well as tolerate him having men as lovers.

With no kids or major financial entanglements, keep the dogs and get rid of the husband


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Not knowing the state, perhaps this will help you on any path you choose...

State Annulment Laws - FindLaw


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Uncertainwife15 said:


> I don't really know what to do for so long in my life I said that I wouldn't get married because everyone I know including my parents have been divorced and remarried multiple time.


I never understood this. Don’t want to get married but want a stable relationship. Is it the legal fall out that make people afraid? I use to think when people said that they were planning on never being in a committed relationship. I mean, besides the legal part, what's the difference? The break-up of the relationship will still be fraught with pain.

Interesting fact. In my country, once you have lived with a person for five years plus they have the entitlements of a spouse so phooey for their partner.



Uncertainwife15 said:


> He told me tonight that he is bisexual and that in his last marriage that he did have sex with other men while she was involved and other women with her as well. He did tell in the beginning of our relationship that he had a threesome with his ex wife and one of her friends once so that I knew.


Here's to the past not mattering! Yep, love is all we need.

Why did you only find out about it now?

OP, I hope he can change his mind and only desire you but I don't think he will. From what I've read on marriage forums, when people get these "open relationship" itches, they get them scratched even at the expense of their marriage. Maybe @Imissmywife is one of the exceptions.

I would tell you counselling but I don't think he will go. If you are a praying person, get on them knees; if not then now would be a good time to start in earnest 'cause you are going to need a miracle.

If reconciliation isn't your goal then, as previous posters have stated, annulment time!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

File for annulment.

No way this should be going on after one week of marriage. 

He should have been up front with you before now, long before now. 

One other thing is there any possibility that he has been doing things on the side before the wedding. I mean 6 years is a long time for someone to hold back who they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Leave him. Not only is this not going to end well, but he could give you a disease.


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