# Husband wants divorce to be single - says he doesn't love me anymore like that.



## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

After pushing my husband for what was wrong and why he didn't want to improve our marriage earlier today he burst out crying. Saying "he didn't want to have this conversation because that meant our relationship was over."

Apparently he doesn't love me anymore and thinks that he might have never loved me at all - he just loved the idea of being in love.

I'm going to try and find us a marriage counselor this week, he's agreed to go even though he doesn't think it will help.

- - - - -

Long story -

I met my husband over 2 1/2 years ago and we've been married for about 14 months now. Up until 2 months ago we were both going to school full time (with some classes together) and working - spending most of our time together.

He didn't hang out with friends much and I flew 4000 miles to be with him so needless to say I didn't have many friends either, it was just us hanging out. Bills were very tight but we made it work.

Then his slot for military tech school came up and he begged me to come with his and have a "vacation" while he went to class. Since I didn't want to be apart from him for 4 months I accepted and we took a 3 week long road trip across the USA to see my parents and his daughter. We got terribly sick from a hotel on arrival and spent the next 2 weeks incredibly ill.

After a few weeks down here he started making friends in his classes and hanging out with them after class. I didn't mind, after all he'd never really had many friends that he saw regularly up north. 

Then one week ago he starts working out with them 4 hours after class to get "in shape for me" and after being distant me all the time. During the first part of the week I found a book "His Needs, Her Needs" that I wanted to try with him to improve our marriage but I couldn't get him interested. 

Earlier today I kept up asking him what was bothering him and why he didn't want to work on our relationship. After about 5 minutes he burst out crying and said that because if he did it would mean our relationship was over. And he wanted to wait til we were both in his home state to tell me that he wanted a divorce to make it "easier on me".

He said that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure if he ever was or if he just wanted the feeling of being in love. He said it's not our marriage that's bad, it's that overtime he found out that he wasn't right for me and being down here out with friends brought it to light. He said he just desires to be out alone with his friends and coming back to an empty place each night.

He said he's done everything over the last few months to try and be happy with me, but the just can't see a future with me in it anymore. He still cares for me, but he doesn't want to be married.

He said he's gone through the improvement phase and now just wanted to end it. He always internalizes everything and I asked how he thought he could hope to fix a marriage that has two people in it without letting me know and us doing it together. And he told me that it didn't matter now and he just wanted it over with. 

When we first got together this was the man that cried at the airport when saying goodbye to me for the first time. I don't get what's happened between us - I know our marriage was rough before and we couldn't really afford to go out and do many fun things but I thought we were happy together.

He's agreed to try and read the book I wanted and go to marriage counseling with me, but he doesn't think that either will work. He just wants to be single. He also says the book won't do any good because he doesn't "want" anything from me and doesn't want to improve our marriage to be the best ever, he just wants out.

I also offered him this next week as a "separation" of sorts, we have 2 bedrooms - he already moved into the other one. And told him that he can go do whatever he wants and we'll stay out of each other's way, and after one week he can see how he feels. He said though that he already knows that's what he wants so it wouldn't help.

In two weeks we'll be heading back north since his classes are done with. At that point in time I need to decide if I should be trying to make a marriage work with someone who either doesn't want it to work or doesn't think it will. 

If I leave I know it'll be over for good. It's embarrassing to stick around when all he wants to do is go out alone, but I keep thinking that when I leave it's over with and I'll never know what would have happened if I stayed for a bit longer.

All in all I'd welcome any advice, even though I'm feeling like it's already over. Our marriage has had our ups and downs, but honestly he seemed happy until this last week.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Consider how logically inconsistent this story is. He is a relatively weak and emotional person that has a lot of attachment yet he has out of the blue just decided he is not in love with you and does not want to try. Not consistent behavior.

An alternative explanation, and more likely, is that he is still is as weak and needy as ever and another women has her hooks in him. If he where going through a sort of late bloom to manhood into a decisive male archetype that is focused on his own needs he would/could be considerably more stoic and strong about leaving you. This is coming up now because it will be much more difficult for him to hide the affair when you both move back up. He will need to use remote communications and take a lot of trips to continue it--and he intends to do that.

As sad as it is, its just rare for a person to leave a marriage without cause and making no effort to fix it unless an affair going on. It is even less likely that an emotional/needy guy walks away for nothing and because of nothing. Ask who the other women is. He will break down over the question from the shame of it by how you have described him.

Also, working out 4 hours a day? Do you really believe that? Only pro or amateur competitive body builders keep that kind of training schedule.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

I've asked him multiple times over the last week if there was someone else. He hasn't been interested in sex and I haven't even seen him masturbate - which is incredibly odd for him.

The only thing that made sense was he's taking amino acids for working out and just ordered pills because they make him feel sick all of the time. I believed it because he's finally at a place where all the guys are in incredibly good shape and he has people to work out with. And he sends me photo texts when he's "at the gym". But yes, it does seem weird.

I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. At this tech school though he's a "prior" and any of the girls he's mentioned that are in his class are "non-priors" and he's not allowed to hang out with them after class. So if he has or done anything more he could be in some serious ****.

All the "non-priors" though are so admiring of the older guys. So it would be easy to assume that this is happening. And he's just on an ego trip from that and finally having money to blow and a few friends to go out with.

Trust me though, I know how bizarre it sounds. I've been in shock since he told me that he wanted to end it earlier today.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are with him in the place where he's taking the military class. Now he's spending 4 hours a night working out with his friends from class? Who are these friends he's hanging out with? Are they single guys or guys there without their wives? Or is it really a woman? Are you 100% sure who he's with.

To me it sounds like one of two things: 1) his single friends are influencing him (meaning he's easily manipulated) or 2) he's cheating ... it could be 'just' an emotional affair right now. If it's an emotional affair he'll more easily say that he's not cheating as most people do not realize how much an emotional affair sucks a person in and how damaging they are to a marriage.


The book you have is one of the best ones out there for fixing a marriage. Stick to your request to have him read it and work on the relationship with you. Ask him to give the marriage 6 months. If after that he's dead set on divorce you'll not fight it. If the two of you actually do what the book says your marriage will be much better in 6 months.

If you find out that he's having an affair, emotional or physical, and you want to repair your marriage from that, also get the book "Surviving an Affair".

By the way, how old are the two of you?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You are getting the standard excuses to start with that mean basically nothing. Rarely do you ever get the real reason in the beginning and he isn’t about to be truthful now. You will need to start searching for the truth yourself, check the phone bills, internet usage etc. 

Someone else has peaked is interests and yes you are stunned and in shock today and you wont believe any of us but the overwhelming odds are he is seeing someone else. The more you confront the more he will deny and the more he will dig into his position. Start to become a detective and don’t talk or try to convince him of anything right now. He doesn’t want to talk to you for fix anything right now, it seems counterproductive but till he wants to discuss what is really going on you will be talking to a brick wall.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Start the 180. Don't talk to him or ask him anymore questions. Sleep in a different room. I got the same excuses. Nothing made sense. Almost a month into the nonsense, I went through his phone and found he was cheating. If he isn't yet, I'm sure he'll be on the hunt for one if he really is as needy as you made him sound. He will need a crutch when you leave. I think he's being influenced by his friends and if he's that weak you don't stand a chance. He isn't strong enough to be your man. I suggest you separate. You are only going to endure more pain at this point the longer you try to hold on.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I have done the 180 for 3 months now and he's tried contacting me a few times - for sex and asking if I was willing to talk. I have nothing to say to him so I don't respond. It's still hard going through this without hearing any nonsense that's why I suggest to break free. It's a painful experience even when you don't talk to the person.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

@Elegirl

No, I'm not 100% sure who he's hanging out with after class. The first few days he'd send me photos of them working out or playing basketball though, so until now I didn't question it.

The guys that he works out with are all from his class. I've met them all and they seem decent enough and ask about me if I'm busy and can't go out with them. Out of 4 of them 2 are married and one is about to get engaged. The other is still single. None of their spouses are down here - which is why I think he's getting the illusion that it's "single life".

At this point I'm not sure if it's friends manipulating, him just liking hanging out with guys, or one of the "non-prior" girls that he can't hang out with dishing admiration on him in class making him feel special and inflating his ego. When I've been on base with him it seems like all the "non-prior" students are constantly trying to hang out with the "priors" and telling them how great they are. He'd be an idiot to hang out with or more and risk his career...but it could be that.

The next few days I'll decided whether to just leave. Wait 2 weeks and go back north with him. Or to stick out til his orders end up there and try and improve the marriage - if he's willing to cooperate.

I'd like to stay and fix our marriage, but his problem with the book is "he doesn't want anything from me or to improve our marriage, we could have the best marriage and he'd still want to be single". I don't know what to say to someone who just suddenly wants out, he doesn't appear to want to work on it at all. Since as he says "it's not the marriage, it's you....I'm still in love with you, but I'm not in love with you."

I think when we do get back north he'll snap back to reality. He's told me he doesn't like being single before, ironically enough. So I assume when I do leave if he's not emotionally involved with someone yet he will be quickly afterwards.

And he's 26 and I'm 28. Thought he was mature enough, go figure.

Anyways, thank you for the response. It seems pretty bleak, but I'm sure I'll get through it. Sorry for the wall of text again.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Thanks honcho. 

It does sound like a really stupid excuse for ending a 2 1/2 year relationship. I think he would have figured it out in the first few months.

Unfortunately he works in a very high level IT field, so even if he was talking to someone I didn't know about it would be very hard to figure it out. He's smart enough to delete / cover everything up.

I can try with his phone bill, but he has one of those "pay per month plans" which doesn't lock you into a provider. Which I'm assuming will make it harder to get access to the data.

Thanks for the ideas though, I'll keep trying. No one is perfect, I'm sure he'll slip at some point in the next few weeks.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

@ICLH

The 180 is a good idea. And actually, after I leave if nothing else works it will be really easy to 180 on him. Since where I'm from is so far from where he'll be stationed at all the time.

I know generally ignoring guys works well. I've done it before when dating, though I didn't really care about the results, now it's pretty scary because I do want this to work.

I'm sorry we've both had such terrible men in our lives, I really wish you the best with him and future relationships.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

AMcKineth said:


> The only thing that made sense was he's taking amino acids for working out and just ordered pills because they make him feel sick all of the time.


This could have some bearing. After all, amino acids are used to change people's moods all the time--hopefully for the better, but that the wrong application could have a negative effect. And bodybuilding supplements and powders are notorious among the natural health world for being bad for your overall health. Good for weight gain, though.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

180 is for you not to influence your spouse though that is a common side effect.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

MSP said:


> This could have some bearing. After all, amino acids are used to change people's moods all the time--hopefully for the better, but that the wrong application could have a negative effect. And bodybuilding supplements and powders are notorious among the natural health world for being bad for your overall health. Good for weight gain, though.


I tried talking to him about the amino acids after you posted that. He didn't seem to care if they altered his mood, he still just wants to be single.

We're hopefully going to see a counselor this week. Something might turn up there, but I'm not very hopeful. He's even asked me what I'm going to do if they recommend we divorce or ask him to try some changes because he already said he won't.

I hope the other possible divorcees are having better luck with their spouses then I am. The two times we've talked tonight it's like honcho said, hitting a brick wall of "I just want to be single" and "I don't knows".


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

MSP said:


> This could have some bearing. After all, amino acids are used to change people's moods all the time--hopefully for the better, but that the wrong application could have a negative effect. And bodybuilding supplements and powders are notorious among the natural health world for being bad for your overall health. Good for weight gain, though.


After reading your post I looked amino acids up online and then tried to talk to him about it. He doesn't care if it alters his mood and still just wants to be single.

We should be going to marriage counseling sometime this week. It seems like he's already checked out of the marriage though and doesn't want to go back, so I'm not that hopeful. He's asked me what I would do if the counselor tells me it's over. Or asks him to try something new / wants him to make changes - both of which he said he doesn't want to do.

The few times we've spoken tonight it's like honcho said. Talking to a brick wall of "I just want to be single now" and "I don't knows".

It's completely terrible when the person you're with just one day decides not to care about your marriage anymore. I really hope the other possible divorces are having better luck than I am with their spouses!


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I dealt with the military lifestyle with my ex and unfortunately this happened to many couples I know  Mine ended differently (he cheated) but the reasons he gave are very similar to yours. I hope it is the aminos in his work out drink but I would still take precautions...

Be aware that the military really is not supportive of a spouse in a divorce situation unless there is provable physical abuse. I had proof of his affairs (although not photographs) and they didn't care at all. I didn't know any better and didn't have a support system set up back home so now that I am here I am struggling. Definitely have a support system set up.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

@miche4

Sorry to hear you were in a similar situation, I'm learning it's an abrupt and terrible end to your marriage. Especially when there aren't any real reasons you're given for the end of it.

While it sounds a lot like he's cheating, I don't think it's worth the emotional toll it would take on me to stick around and try and figure it out or the real reason this is happening. At the end of it all I would have just spent more time on a man who's obviously not worth it to find out that he might be cheating. I've posted on a few forums and while a lot of people have given that advice, for me, I just don't see it being worth it.

I really hope that things look up for you, no one should have to go through this alone.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

For some weird reason, I wasn't able to reply on to this thread anymore since the 6th. Here's an update of the marriage / divorce situation these last few days:

After reading on forums and talking to my mom a lot the day after everything happened I have come to the realization that it's not just a horrible nightmare and it will never be the same ever again. So I've attempted to go from just wanting to hit rewind to moving forward by myself.

Overnight from that horrible day I've gone from asking him how it happened, what we could do to change, how to get back to how we were, or trying to come up with that one perfect idea that would make it all get better again. To realizing that at this point the only thing that I can do is to take care of myself. 

I've distanced myself from him as much as possible while still being civil with him during conversations we need to have. And starting doing my own thing each evening for dinner and entertainment when he comes back with the car we're sharing down here and has his friends pick him up. As hard as it is I know just sitting around in our resort in a beach town will only make it worse so while I'm still here I may as well do something, anything to try and enjoy myself.

Which has led him to question me about my day and what I've been out doing, since I'm normally back after him, and seem kind of miffed that I appear to not care about him anymore or his day or want to be around him. If I'm out late because I went to dinner and decided to see a movie he texts me to see what I'm doing and if I'm alright. He seems to still want to treat me like he did before, but more as friends and that's totally not alright and probably never will be.

I was lucky enough to get a counseling appointment two days after everything happened. Going in I knew nothing was going to change but I thought being in there would help my understanding of the situation and how it changed so abruptly, but it didn't.

Things that he said over and over again to me the first day like "*I just want to be single, I don't know why you can't understand that*" or "I don't love you anymore like I should *and I'm not sure if I ever did or if I was just in love with being in love*" or "we can go to counseling *but I won't change anything if they ask me to because I just want to be single*" or "this is just how I am, I'm emotionally closed off and don't want to share my feelings *and if you don't like it that's just another reason to not be together*" he all denied saying them, at least the bold parts.

It's incredibly frustrating that he feels the need to lie in front of a woman that's there to help who he's never going to see again. Although it made me realize even more so that this is who he is now. Whether it be embarrassment over the things he said or how abruptly it came about, this is what he considers "ok" to do to me. And though I have a hard time seeing it right now, I know that I do deserve better.

Everyone who I've talked to has said the entire thing sounds completely bizarre. And while the counselor didn't go that far she said our case is very, very unusual and she from listening to him that he sounded confused and that his version of the story and reasons varied a lot. However, it helped, once again, to get the reinforcement that this isn't normal. She also said while he seems very calm and collected emotionally right now, she thinks eventually his emotions will explode and he'll need to get counseling then. However, I should continue seeing someone right now and I'm going to while I'm near a base and it's free.

While I don't expect to save our marriage and I realize that our marriage is over. The thing I wanted to get from counseling that still didn't happen is why it's over and how it got to that point, but I probably never will at this rate. The only reasons he gave were of him trying to work on our marriage by himself or things he asked me to change and he had no examples of what he ever specifically tried to do.

At this point the only people he's talked to about the divorce are his friends down here. And the big change I saw in him around me I know came after he talked to one of his friends originally about our relationship. To me it's weird that he doesn't want to talk to anyone in his family about us getting a divorce at all, but at this point there's no making him do anything.

In about three weeks we'll be back in his hometown and I'll have to go pack up and things I had stored at his parents. It'll be interesting if I'm the first one telling them after one month that he wants a divorce, especially if he doesn't come with me that day. Though it looks like that's becoming a real possibility.

We talked last night for a bit and he asked if I would agree to an uncontested divorce and I told him that as long as he does everything financially that he's promised I will sign the papers either way, but only after that's all done. He wanted to put any promises he couldn't fulfill by the time I'd left as just a stipulation in the divorce papers, but I told him I wanted everything completed and then and only then I would sign. Since it seems like he wants to move very fast on this, I figure I'll have more success with him keeping his promises this way, My other thought was having him draw up the papers stipulating what is to be / would be done and have him sign, but then not signing until he actually took those actions. Either way then I would have it in writing. I'll have to check state laws though to see if I can sign them after leaving, because I do not want to fly back and see him again after I'm gone. If anyone has any experience with any of this let me know. 

It's surreal that in 4 days we'd gone from married to married and dividing up finances for a divorce, but at this point there isn't much to hang on to so I don't see the point of drawing it out further. Now I'm just attempting to make sure I get taken care of with what we should have at the beginning of May.

My entire family is very anxious that as soon as we get back north he'll change his mind and ask me to stay and work on it and that I'd agree. However, even though I see the marriage very emotionally at times I can see it very logically. I know if it was this easy for him to do to me I should get out now even if he changes his mind. Since he could just as easily do it 3, 5, 10, 20 years down the road again and I will have only invested more time into someone who's shown me they are not capable of working on a marriage long term. 

Also, I've also always considered my family a decent judge of character and they now either hate him, desire to cause him bodily harm if he ever shows up on my doorstep, or both. In these first few crazy days they've been my support system to guide me through and go "no, he's an immature idiot and you're better then that, this may be a crazy and terrible situation but this isn't your fault, you shouldn't blame yourself or feel foolish for trusting him or that he wants to end it now, you'll find someone better who won't run off on a whim and is better then he ever was or will be." I can't fathom not having them around to help me through this and feel completely lucky that I do because I know that's not always the case.

Sorry for the novel. It's been a rough few days, but I feel like it's been a year emotionally. Thank you to everyone who has replied up til now. Even if it's short you've given me something to read and some outsider insight into what's happening.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow AM... so sorry for what you are going through.

But I just want to say that you are wise and mature FAR beyond your years. Like you said, it is very emotional for you but you are LOGICALLY working through this. I don't hear any whining or pity party or trying to insist that you can "fix" him. He sounds like a confused piece of work.

My hat is off to you. If only all us TAMers could "get it" so quickly and be so level-headed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do seem to be handling this hard situation pretty well. 

About the divorce, I agree with you that everything has to be written down. If it's not, he won't do it. This is a guy who made a promise when he married you and not is a short time he cannot keep that promise. Why would he keep any other promise.

Do a search online for your state's self help site. They should have the forms, etc for a divorce. You can always get an attorney to just look over the papers to make sure you have covered everything. Then once that is done sign it. They probably have to be notarized.

If you two do the divorce yourself, do not sign the papers and give them to him. Instead you hand carry them to the court clerk and file the papers yourself. If he wants to go, he can go too. But do not hand him a multi-paged notarized document. Too easy to modify pages after the fact.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Do not be surprised if he drags his feet regarding papers and promises. Your doing the correct ideas, moving fast as painful as it is. Once you leave town he probably wont to anything with regards to filing or paperwork etc. While they always seem eager to get going, finishing is usually quite different and it just never seems to get done. 

Your probably just going to have to take charge and get the paperwork ready and take care of it. You don’t have a long term marriage so divorce should be pretty simple and straightforward. Doing it quickly is the best course of action, you are still very early in the emotions and they will swing a great deal for both of you. Prepare yourself for that and expect it. Also prepare yourself for a change of heart on his end


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

No baby. That's a blessing now.

Something is not right with your husband.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow AM... so sorry for what you are going through.
> 
> But I just want to say that you are wise and mature FAR beyond your years. Like you said, it is very emotional for you but you are LOGICALLY working through this. I don't hear any whining or pity party or trying to insist that you can "fix" him. He sounds like a confused piece of work.
> 
> My hat is off to you. If only all us TAMers could "get it" so quickly and be so level-headed.


Thank you, I wrote this entire long post and after reading it I realized I could literally sum it up in saying. My first day and a half was incredibly hard. After that I decided to do things for myself I couldn't comprehend doing, but that I knew would bring happiness to myself even when I was sad. And when you can find happiness with yourself and feel worthwhile again the rest of the process you're dealing with doesn't seem like the end of the world anymore. And when you get out of that constantly dark, miserable, depressing point you can then think more logically about the situation and see what's actually best for you. Which then helps even more.

Anyways, here's the long post.

The first day was dreadful and I just felt like I wanted to die. I spent a long time on the phone with my family just trying to realize what had just happened. I posted to forums looking for advice on what to do, how to fix it, some book that would solve this sudden, terrible new thought that my future suddenly looked alone. I also made my husband promise to read a book to help our marriage and go to counseling, neither of which he cared about.

The next morning I called my Mom at 6:45 am her time because I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to hit rewind. Sometime that day it started to dawn on me from thinking and her insistence that I couldn't just sit around being mopey wanting everything to go back to the same way it had been 3 days ago. 

I didn't feel like doing anything, but I got ready to go out to dinner like I was getting ready for a date - with myself. I painted my nails, did my hair and makeup, picked out something cute to wear, and fished out the perfume I'd brought but hadn't worn in forever. I also sprayed it all around our resort rooms so my husband couldn't escape the smell of me! I didn't think I would, but by the time I was ready to walk out the door I felt worthwhile and I was something more then just a person that my husband decided he didn't want anymore.

And what do you know. And that exact moment my husband walked in looking sweaty and worn out from the gym. He did a double take. He hadn't seem me since yesterday and the last he'd heard I'm sure I was crying in my room. He stared. I felt and looked fabulous and it felt even better that I knew he knew it.

And when I talked to him I asked him for the keys to the car. I offered nothing else unless he asked and I didn't ask him anymore about our marriage.

I went out and ate alone. I made myself sit outside because it was a gorgeous day. Anything awkward that I should have felt about it I buried into reading on my phone about not how to save a divorce, but get over one. After that I went to the beach for the sunset and thought about all the good things that this change meant or all the bad things I wouldn't have to deal with again. And at the end of that day I didn't feel like my entire world was ending anymore.

Since that first day it's been hard, but that first day afterwards has been my most important day so far. And each day I plan something to do instead of just sitting around being sad. It's my thing to look forward to that has nothing to do with our divorce and is just about me each day.

I guess my main thing I'm trying to get across or to anyone else reading this going through the same thing. I didn't focus on not being sad because I knew I was going to be sad. I focused on the things that I knew would make me happy even if I was sad. And on things that seemed incomprehensible for me to be doing, like painting my nails or going to the gym, that I knew would make me feel worthwhile after I'd finished.

And once you get into a schedule of doing things each day that make you feel worthwhile the rest of what you're dealing with doesn't seem as bad since a bright future without that person is easier to picture. And of course calling family to talk about what's going on and posting to forums to get things off your chest and ask for advice definitely helps too!


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You do seem to be handling this hard situation pretty well.
> 
> About the divorce, I agree with you that everything has to be written down. If it's not, he won't do it. This is a guy who made a promise when he married you and not is a short time he cannot keep that promise. Why would he keep any other promise.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I feel like I've come a long way in a short period of time. Mainly thanks to a good support system.

My thoughts exactly about getting everything he hasn't done yet that he said he would put into the divorce paperwork. He seems to be wanting to move pretty fast with the divorce. Therefore, my thoughts were to get the divorce paperwork drawn up together when we first get back. And make sure that everything that I'll want from him until the divorce is finalized, like health insurance, is in there and everything that he hasn't done yet, like money he owes me, also makes it in there. I also want a note made that he is the one that persuade this divorce, not me.


Then I have four choices to make.

1) Get his signature on the divorce paperwork and take it with me when I fly to another state. Only signing it when he's completed what he couldn't financially by the time I leave. 

I would have to check to see how it works / if it's even possible to sign it out of state and how to get it back to them. I want to avoid mailing it to him or his family. So I'll need to see if there's another route.

2) Get his signature on the divorce paperwork and stay out there until he completes everything it says he has to do financially.

3) Sign it and have it notarized together and turn it in before I fly out of state.

4) Sign it and have it notarized together and turn it in. Then stay out there til he completes everything he said he'd do financially.


In regards to them all, I'm not that crazy about staying out there more then I have to. However, I don't know when I'm out of state what actions I could take to get him to complete his financial responsibilities that far away. Even if I was closer does this always involved a lawyer? Besides drawing up the divorce paperwork I'd like to avoid any other fees since we don't have that much to begin with.

I also need to check and see if the divorce paperwork is "processing" what happens if he changes his mind. I hope one person can't stop a divorce proceeding after they've signed just by themselves.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

honcho said:


> Do not be surprised if he drags his feet regarding papers and promises. Your doing the correct ideas, moving fast as painful as it is. Once you leave town he probably wont to anything with regards to filing or paperwork etc. While they always seem eager to get going, finishing is usually quite different and it just never seems to get done.
> 
> Your probably just going to have to take charge and get the paperwork ready and take care of it. You don’t have a long term marriage so divorce should be pretty simple and straightforward. Doing it quickly is the best course of action, you are still very early in the emotions and they will swing a great deal for both of you. Prepare yourself for that and expect it. Also prepare yourself for a change of heart on his end


Yes, I'm hoping he won't change his mind until after we have the divorce paperwork drawn up and he's signed it. Right now he knows he's the one who wanted the divorce so he's going to be paying to have the paperwork done.

In my response where I quoted Elegirl. I'm not sure which choice is the right one to make. Or even if they're all possible to make, namely #1, in how to handle the divorce signatures.

I need to read up more on how divorces even happen and state laws. I'm sure that would answer a lot of my own questions.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> No baby. That's a blessing now.
> 
> Something is not right with your husband.


Thank you. I've been getting that a lot lately. 

Better that it's happening now then 5, 10, 20 years from now.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

AMcKineth said:


> Thank you. I've been getting that a lot lately.
> 
> Better that it's happening now then 5, 10, 20 years from now.


Maybe he is gay?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Don’t assume he will pay for divorce paperwork because he wanted the divorce to start with. With that idea in mind he can just tell himself that as long as he avoids it he is married or he keeps you attached somehow. Its what they do and fulfilling any commitment becomes a struggle especially is they start to have second thoughts. 

You will also need to research the laws in your state of residency, some states it can be simple, in others its and endless course of action with time being separated a factor, all sorts of things. Even when two parties agree some states can make it an endevour. Divorce is a hurry up and wait mess, you will learn this. Going with the belief that you waiting to sign until he fill certain obligations it will most likely burn you in the end. 

Your best bet is working out your agreement together, getting into the legal system and then you have something legally to go after if he doesn’t complete all the obligations you want. Expecting it to work the other way wont


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

honcho said:


> Don’t assume he will pay for divorce paperwork because he wanted the divorce to start with. With that idea in mind he can just tell himself that as long as he avoids it he is married or he keeps you attached somehow. Its what they do and fulfilling any commitment becomes a struggle especially is they start to have second thoughts.
> 
> You will also need to research the laws in your state of residency, some states it can be simple, in others its and endless course of action with time being separated a factor, all sorts of things. Even when two parties agree some states can make it an endevour. Divorce is a hurry up and wait mess, you will learn this. Going with the belief that you waiting to sign until he fill certain obligations it will most likely burn you in the end.
> 
> Your best bet is working out your agreement together, getting into the legal system and then you have something legally to go after if he doesn’t complete all the obligations you want. Expecting it to work the other way wont


He asked me two nights ago if I would agree to an uncontested divorce and then said he would pay for the fees to have them drawn up. So if this statement holds and I'm not saying it will, then hopefully he'll pay for them to be done. I need to start asking him to make an appointment with the lawyer, I doubt he's done this, that way we can get it over with as soon as we're back. Before he changes his mind if he does.

Yes, I don't know much about divorce. I know that it takes 90 days to process after it's in the system and I don't think we're required to do anything if we both agree to it. However, I should check. This is my first divorce so I'm not really sure what to expect and I'm assuming that's not the best position to stay in til we get there.

I thought having the papers drawn up and getting him to sign and then holding off on doing it myself would cover both areas. Making him hurry up so it would process and having it in writing to turn in if I needed to. I just don't know enough about the process and I assumed it could backfire horribly if I don't know what I'm doing. I need to know more still.

Thanks for the legal thoughts Honcho. I don't trust him not to change his mind about anything, since he changed his mind so easily about the marriage. For that reason the sooner this is taken care of legally the better.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Maybe he is gay?


At this point I'm still not certain, so that's just another possibility. 

Ironically enough, I know someone through my family who's husband wanted a divorce because he just realized he was gay after having 2 kids when she was 6 months pregnant with the 3rd. That story makes me count my blessings that there are no children in the mix here besides his daughter.

However, there is definitely something not right about him now since this all started. He just got back early from a weekend trip to the beach with his friends. And even though he just told me 6 days ago, randomly, the he want's a divorce he feels free to: Whip off his shirt to let me see his "hilarious" sunburn because he forgot to put any lotion on his back at the beach. And then come out of his bathroom after a shower in just a towel and wander around our place looking for clothes.

Even through everything else he's done. I guess what annoys me the most and I'm sure everyone else who's gone through this is how he acts like now that we're not going to be married we're friends and I should still care a lot about what's going on with him.

I don't. I won't. And even if I catch myself wanting to....I'll remind myself never again!

I'm feeling good at the moment though. The only thing I have to be sad about right now is that he ruined my first beautiful weekend alone without him!


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Quick question about a 180. I'm on my 7th day of doing it, other then our hour in counseling together, and I feel pretty good about my progress and it does help me disconnect from him.

I haven't asked him anything about his day since the day he broke his news. However, he does ask about my day, especially if I'm out late, at least every other day. Until now I've been telling him what I was out doing. Should I continue this? Just give the bare minimum details? Not give any details and just that I was out having fun? I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong going out and entertaining myself, but I get the weird feeling that he likes keeps tabs on me.

For example. The first day after he asked for a divorce. I came back from being gone for 4 hours and he asked me what I was doing. I told him I went to fax something for the bank. Then went out to dinner. Then went to the beach.

Or. He asks why I'm out late and if I'm ok. I say yes, I was at the movies. Then he asks what movie. I tell him. Then he asks how I liked the movie. I tell him that. Etc.

Or if he comes to me asking if I want to see something hilarious. I say yes to be polite. Then he ends up whipping off his shirt to show me his sunburn.

Basically, I'm not asking him anything. But I'm not sure how much I should be giving him when he asks me questions. I want to be civil because there's another month til I leave and we do have a long car trip together, but I'm wondering if I'm giving him too much.

Thanks everyone!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Master these phrases:

"I was out"

and

"I have plans"


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Yep. Too much. 

Why wait. Get a plane ticket or a bus ticket and get out of dodge. 

You should act like he doesn't exist.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

U.E. McGill said:


> Yep. Too much.
> 
> Why wait. Get a plane ticket or a bus ticket and get out of dodge.
> 
> You should act like he doesn't exist.


I would absolutely love to do this, but I can't because we're not in the state that we actually live in and got married in. I'm currently down at tech school with him on a "vacation" that he begged me to come on because he didn't want to be without me.

In one week we'll be leaving to head back north. After we get there I'll need to pack up my belongings that I don't have out here and ship them back to my home state, which is very far away. We need to file the divorce paperwork and I don't trust him to do that on his own. And I've had doctor's appointments scheduled that I also need to take care of.

I know the timing is awful, which is why I'm trying to deal with him til the remainder of the things are figured out and I can leave.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Ok so do this, leave to go pack and get it done with out him. Then you have a whole week. Have the papers signed then walk out the moment he's done. Even better you take the car and tell him to get a ride back. Do things at your convenience. 

I don't really care what way you do it. The key to a 180 is no contact Md you setting the rules of engagement. In some ways your demonstrating you still need him.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

U.E. McGill said:


> Ok so do this, leave to go pack and get it done with out him. Then you have a whole week. Have the papers signed then walk out the moment he's done. Even better you take the car and tell him to get a ride back. Do things at your convenience.
> 
> I don't really care what way you do it. The key to a 180 is no contact Md you setting the rules of engagement. In some ways your demonstrating you still need him.


I could very well do this, but it's a very long drive that I would never consider doing by myself. It would be a 40 hour drive without any stops, almost 3000 miles. That's 400 dollars in gas and then probably another 400 dollars in hotels if I was to drive 10 hours per day.

My other option would be to fly but without a credit card when I got there I would have no way to rent a car.

I get what you're saying. And while yes, in some ways I'm demonstrating that I do still need him. However, what I'm really thinking of is the best way to deal with leaving him without blowing 1000s of extra dollars neither of us really have at the moment in order to escape him two weeks now only to still have to stick around for the papers to be drawn up once he gets there.

Thank you for the advice, but I have thought over all the ideas on how to leave already. And to me, this is the best one for now which is why I wanted advice on how to handle being around him while it lasts. Not on how to leave, since I've already covered all those options mentally and made my decision.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He wants to keep tabs on you, feel you out to see if you are still "attached" so to speak. Dont fill him in on your day or activities. Next time he asks just remind him he wants a divorce and its really not his concern anymore. He most likely wont enjoy that answer but this is what he wanted.....


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

honcho said:


> He wants to keep tabs on you, feel you out to see if you are still "attached" so to speak. Dont fill him in on your day or activities. Next time he asks just remind him he wants a divorce and its really not his concern anymore. He most likely wont enjoy that answer but this is what he wanted.....


Thanks Honcho. I'm adding that to my arsenal of "I was out" and "I have plans".

I feel stupid now for telling him about my evening, even though it was brief, when he asked last week. Although I guess you can only move forward, so now I know for the future.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

I'm now entering the pissed phase. From the way my STBXH has started wording his comments about not knowing how to talk to women at bars or other events I know that he's already on the lookout for someone new or some casual encounter. He's also started responding to people's posts on the reddit personals that are looking to meet up, have a three-some, or swinging.

Last Thursday I got asked out to dinner after going to the movies alone. I declined though, it was pretty late and I'm not ready for that type of thing yet. The next day he asked me what I did so I told him the movies and I got asked to dinner but didn't go. I didn't even mention it was a guy.

Now he's been asking me how many dates I've been out on because I go out and do something every evening to get away, mainly movies and dinner. I've been doing everything alone and I just keep telling him no dates. And he keeps commenting on "Oh, how it's so easy for women to get asked out compared to men." Does he really think I'm going to have sympathy for him not knowing how to pickup other women? I guess the group he was hanging out with last weekend he found out one girl there thought he was cute, but she made out with someone else all evening - real winner there.

At first I thought he was asking because thinking I was doing fine made him feel better. Now I think he feels like it's some sort of contest though or if I'm getting asked out he better put himself out there.

I'm not sure if this is his response to me being asked out or if it was just going to develop anyways. It seems quite fast, but it just goes to show what type of person he is I suppose if he's been doing this 6 days after he told me he wanted a divorce. It makes me feel bad that I even mentioned I got asked out for dinner, but hey he asked and it's not like I actually did it. I can't control what other people do when I go out to the movies and if he didn't really want to know he shouldn't have asked. I ask him nothing and I get to hear about it anyways at odd times.

I tried not giving him general information about what I was doing in the evenings. And yes, he raged. However, since we're going to be driving 40 hours together next week and I want things to stay civil between us I've just decided to tell him what I'm doing "generally". Yes, I realize I shouldn't have to but I'd rather maintain some semblance of civility between us until the papers and signed and I leave.

Besides all that it just feels like he's finding reasons to knit pick at me over stupid issues. Why I didn't immediately return his text, I told him I didn't get it because my phone was on silent. Then ensued an argument over "I was out using his car and I didn't even respond in case he was having an emergency." He didn't actually have an emergency and he didn't actually need anything. He just wanted to complain because he thought I was ignoring him. Which he wanted an apology for and for not filling up the tank in the car we'd both been using all week.

I've cut off a few arguments that were gearing up this week with the words "I don't want to argue right now" because I'm starting to realize that I just don't care anymore about the marriage. I know it can't be saved and I don't want it to be anymore. Especially after realizing that he was trying to meet other people. Yes it cuts, but after that the only thing that remains is a growing hatred, numbness, and indifference.

Other then that.

I went to my first individual counseling. He focused on helping me financially and emotionally. While we did talk about my STBXH some the main point was on me and what I wanted, which is to move on. Topics were figuring out what I wanted now or in the future, knowing myself, focusing on happiness, not blaming myself for the divorce, and realizing that I could probably save the marriage if I changed everything about myself - but I shouldn't want to because I wouldn't be happy anyways.

He also prepared me for the possibility that in the next few weeks my STBXH was going to ask for me to take him back before I left and what my response would be that way I was prepared for it. 

I've talked to a lawyer and I'll be ordering divorce paperwork this week. I've been keeping track of financial and insurance stipulations I'd like included when everything is drawn up. I already have the money from him to pay for the whole thing so that's good.

Things are coming together slowly.

And he's beginning to tell a few more people. Either because he needs to find out what lawyer he used, like from his ex-wife, or friends have text both of us and he tells them. Although, I still don't think he's talked to his family. Any friends we've had together, even those closer to him who he told about the divorce, tell me that they can't understand what he's doing or why and it seems like he just had a crazy feeling and ran with it. I haven't bothered telling him the trending opinion on his actions.

Overall I'm doing decent, looking forward to having everything finished and my flight back my hometown. I'm also coming up with a mental list of things I never want in a guy ever again.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AMK,

You are doing a beautiful job with the "180" and it is p*ssing your husband off royally that you have "moved on" so easily. Of course, inside you know that's not the case at all, but you are presenting yourself perfectly to a POS who has just dumped you, broken his vows and all his promises to you, pulled the wool out from under you, broken your heart. If only other newbie TAMers could catch on so quickly to how to do this.

I know you are hurting, you are putting on a brave face, but trust me, your husbands true colors are really coming out now. Hookup websites? Threesomes? Pouting because you can get a "date" and he can't? This is a man who is far beneath you and DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.

I have followed your whole thread. I think you are doing a great job, and you WILL have a beautiful life when this is over. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

AMcKineth said:


> After pushing my husband for what was wrong and why he didn't want to improve our marriage earlier today he burst out crying. Saying "he didn't want to have this conversation because that meant our relationship was over."
> 
> Apparently he doesn't love me anymore and thinks that he might have never loved me at all - he just loved the idea of being in love.
> 
> I'm going to try and find us a marriage counselor this week, he's agreed to go even though he doesn't think it will help.


Dear AMcKineth,

Firstly a disclaimer: I did not read all the posts in this thread. I just hooked on to your topic and prologue.

Two years ago my X told me she did not love me any more, just like that out of the blue (in response to my question, not pre-meditated). I went in to shock. Lost 10kg in two weeks. On being able to function again, I tried fighting it. I tried reasoning, asking, requesting. She is not a bad person, but to no avail. In the end I had to accept and go on the dark and often bitter road to recovery (not forgetting to pass through the stations of grieving, blame, pity, etc).

What I want to say to you is probably what the good folks may have already told you:

First, you cannot make someone love you. If it's gone it's gone. It takes two to tango but only one to screw it up. Sorry. It sucks. That's how it is.

Second, the only one, the *only* one, you can change is you. No one else. Your life is up to you. It is what you make of it. Much as you don't want to hear this, and god knows I did not, it is now in the past. It may be a recent past, you may feel you can reach out and touch it (and thus perhaps bring it back), but it will start getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror until, and I know you can't process this now, you will not be able to see it at all.

Look up the 180 here. Do it.

God bless, I wish you peace, and please know that you *will* overcome, and be better for it. Truly, what does not kill us makes us stronger.


Addendum edit - OK I feel like a dork after reading some of the replies and realizing where you are presently....  I really should have taken time to read the thread


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your moving at a blistering pace, not slowly, its just feels slow. And yes your counselor is correct in the assumption you will hear the lets get back together speech. That will probably come during the 40 hours in the car. 40 hours driving? That tests even happy couples, I don’t envy you that drive. 

Don’t let his needling or knit picking get to you. His ego is taking a beating right now. Whatever his master plan was isn’t coming to reality. 

Your emotions will swing in many different directions during the coming weeks, its normal. Certain moments will hit you much harder than others. Getting the paperwork from lawyer, seeing it in black and white laid out as an example.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

You are doing so well for your situation. Just keep doing what is best for you. 

I also ended up making plans to leave the situation as quickly as possible and it really helped. I felt my emotions were on warp speed during it: shock to sadness and to anger. Embrace that, it will definitely get you through until you get home. Once I got home (well to where I would then be living with family in my hometown) and could slow down I admit I have been re-experiencing all the emotions and grieving so be prepared this may happen to you. 

I do not envy you the car ride but honestly when it is not your turn to drive put on a pair of headphones and tune him out.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

AMcKineth said:


> I tried not giving him general information about what I was doing in the evenings. And yes, he raged.



You married a man child. Your doing great--keep it up. A few months from now your going to be in a better place with all of this. I would not be surprised is he changes his mind in a six months or more. Don't look back....


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> AMK,
> 
> You are doing a beautiful job with the "180" and it is p*ssing your husband off royally that you have "moved on" so easily. Of course, inside you know that's not the case at all, but you are presenting yourself perfectly to a POS who has just dumped you, broken his vows and all his promises to you, pulled the wool out from under you, broken your heart. If only other newbie TAMers could catch on so quickly to how to do this.
> 
> ...


Thanks happy as a clam. 

The more the days drag on the more weird / nasty he gets. I just keep counting down the days and putting on a brave face like you said. I save everything else until after dealing with him and when I'm cooling off on the phone with my family.

If everything goes as planned, it's less then 3 weeks til I leave and don't look back.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

eyesopen said:


> Dear AMcKineth,
> 
> Firstly a disclaimer: I did not read all the posts in this thread. I just hooked on to your topic and prologue.
> 
> ...


No harm done by not reading the full thing. Everything you said I've heard from other good people but it never hurts to read it again. At first only hearing it or reading it over and over again got me through the first week. It was hard, I can totally relate.

I have good days, but I still have bad days. And on those days everything you said here is well worth reading.

So thank you for posting, I do appreciate all replies.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

honcho said:


> Your moving at a blistering pace, not slowly, its just feels slow. And yes your counselor is correct in the assumption you will hear the lets get back together speech. That will probably come during the 40 hours in the car. 40 hours driving? That tests even happy couples, I don’t envy you that drive.
> 
> Don’t let his needling or knit picking get to you. His ego is taking a beating right now. Whatever his master plan was isn’t coming to reality.
> 
> Your emotions will swing in many different directions during the coming weeks, its normal. Certain moments will hit you much harder than others. Getting the paperwork from lawyer, seeing it in black and white laid out as an example.


It feels like I'm treading water just getting everything lined up for when I'm back north again. Even though I know it's important stuff I'm doing.

I'm just sick of hearing him say one thing and then have him show me the complete opposite. The lies are getting old, but I guess that's just one more reason to not stick around.

Emotion wise early on it was just sadness and despair. Now I'm hitting the anger and hatred phase. It's been a while since I've really hated anyone this much. I know next though basically just comes indifference. I'm sure it'll be a while until I'm truly there but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm sure when I get back north it will seem like everything is moving very fast. I'm going with the theory of just getting everything done out there that I need and waiting to process most of it emotionally when I'm safely back in my home state. That might just be wishful thinking though.

As always, thanks Honcho. It helps to keep hearing from people.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

miche4 said:


> You are doing so well for your situation. Just keep doing what is best for you.
> 
> I also ended up making plans to leave the situation as quickly as possible and it really helped. I felt my emotions were on warp speed during it: shock to sadness and to anger. Embrace that, it will definitely get you through until you get home. Once I got home (well to where I would then be living with family in my hometown) and could slow down I admit I have been re-experiencing all the emotions and grieving so be prepared this may happen to you.
> 
> I do not envy you the car ride but honestly when it is not your turn to drive put on a pair of headphones and tune him out.


Thanks Miche4. I do fully expect to re-grieve for the loss of him, or the man he was at least, and my marriage when I'm back in my home state. I know it's coming, if only because at that point I know it'll be truly over.

I'm planning on getting my phone ready with lots of goodies that way I have plenty of distractions when I'm not driving. It's not a full fix, but it'll help.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You married a man child. Your doing great--keep it up. A few months from now your going to be in a better place with all of this. I would not be surprised is he changes his mind in a six months or more. Don't look back....


I know you meant this seriously, but when I read the first sentence you made me laugh. Thanks for that. 

I've went from being lost to building my hopes for the future without him. I could never take him back now. Hopefully if the change comes it's after I'm gone. I'm looking forward to having thousands of miles between us in a few weeks.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Another update.

A few days ago I discussed the divorce stipulations with my STBXH. Honestly, I'm not asking for anything outrageous but he knit picked through it.

Then we came to the whole conversation of why things needed to be listed on the divorce papers at all. I heard many excuses about why I shouldn't have to list them including: then it wasn't a "gift" if it was listed on the papers, then it made him feel like he had to do it or do it within a certain period of time if he couldn't afford to, then he said that he didn't want to do it at all if I didn't "trust" him to do it.

Anyways, after he agreed to what was listed then he for my rings back - that was a no. Then he tried asking me what I was going to give him even though he said I had nothing he wanted. I told him I was giving him the divorce he wanted. Apparently, agreeing to get a divorce, an uncontested one at that, in a county where we don't have to both appear in court or go through marriage counseling together to get it all processed - is not enough for him.

The only reason I even agreed to work with him in an uncontested divorce was because he wanted to help me move forward and most of the stipulations were his idea.

After everything was done he warned me that in the future I shouldn't expect people "to do this much for someone else". Like he's doing me some huge massive favor by agreeing that he'll sign the papers listing what he said he would do all along.

Moving on from that conversation.

The next day I ask him when he'll be back from his weekend out of town trip with the guys. Basically, I wanted to know if he'd be spending the night. I like planing my days around when he'll be in the resort that way I can do something else. When he was not getting the concept I just said it's good for both of us to have our space at this time.

Then he asks if I don't want to hang out with him why am I driving back with him at all and why I don't just leave immediately to go back to my hometown. So I remind of the long list of things that I need to do back up there. So he storms away swearing and after giving him a few minutes I tell him I want to keep the remainder of our time together civil and ask him again if he'll be back or he's staying the night out of town. He finally informs me that he's not spending the night in between swearing at me and telling me to leave him the hell alone. So I do.

Fast forward 20 minutes, I've left to get boxes for packing and get a message from him asking "If I'm trying to bring a guy back to the resort? Is that why I want to be out during the day so badly?" I just reply "No."

The man who said it didn't bother him to think about me with other guys is now freaking out thinking that I'm off trolling for men to lure back to our place when he's not here. And that's why I'm always out and wanted to know when he'll be back from out of town with the guys. And all this less then 2 weeks since he asked for the divorce.

I feel as if I'm dealing with a child. It's like he only wanted a divorce when he thought he'd have fun out picking up women with his friends. Or when he thought I would be pining away after him and crying in my room all day long. And now the reality is rather different then what he expected.

I knew this would happen eventually but anything that I need to go over with him, even the smallest question, he just turns into a huge dramatic event. I'm really seeing another side of him these last two weeks. I'm pretty sure he's talked 10 times worse to me today then the last 3 years of arguments combined. I just keep telling myself less then 3 weeks to go and I'll finally be away from him and won't look back.

*Also, a big thank you to everyone who has posted so far. I talk to my family a lot but it's nice hearing the same things from someone who's not related to me that way I know it's not biased.*


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, it stinks when someone finds out their plan B isn't going to pine for them. I wouldn't discuss anything with him; next time he asks if you're trolling for men tell him that it's none of his business because he's not going to be your husband. Don't engage him anymore and don't be surprised if he starts acting crazier and crazier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

AMcKineth said:


> Another update.
> 
> A few days ago I discussed the divorce stipulations with my STBXH. Honestly, I'm not asking for anything outrageous but he knit picked through it.
> 
> ...


Wow he really has some entitlement issues. Just remember that he wanted this, he chose this and really didn't make you have another option. Trying to make himself feel good about himself about helping you "so much" with the divorce stipulations is a POS move.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Morning of day two of the drive. 

The first morning he was decent. As the day wore on though he started making extremely vulgar sexual innuendos to me. Probably five per hour. Then he started taking photos of me without asking, not showing them to me and sending them out to his friends without asking. 

That was the last straw. I told him I did not want him taking photos of me without asking and that he needed to start respecting me and act mature about the situation. So the sexual comments would have to stop. 

His response to that was then he just wouldn't talk at all. So now it's been about 22 hours of not talking. I refuse to share drinks or food with him since I assume he's been out with other woman the two weekends he was gone. 

Since we're not talking he's just stood there on his phone letting me heft a 70+ pound suitcase in and out of the car myself. I only weigh 40 more pounds then the thing. Or offer help with anything else. 

I'm too stubborn though to even ask. I'm just looking at it as a reason to not have to offer to drive or purchase him any snacks. At least I don't have to worry about talking to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AMK,

This has gone from bad to ugly in very short order. He honestly does not sound stable. Taking pics of you and mass-sending them out? Very weird.

Please be careful, stay safe. Stay in constant contact with your relatives so he knows he's in the hot seat.

I don't mean to sound alarmist, but he is not playing with a full deck, and his anger for you is building.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

One other thing... he may decide to really play hardball when it comes to cooperating and signing the divorce papers. Many divorces drag on and on needlessly because one spouse "refuses" to sign. Don't let this become an issue for you. When you get to your home state, file, get your court date, and if he refuses to answer your petition within the statutory time frame, you win, judge will often just give you what you are asking for in your petition.

FYI:

_If you have served your spouse properly, but he or she failed to file a written response on time, some states let you file a request to enter a default. A request to enter a default is allowed when one spouse has been served and fails to respond within 30 days. It is also allowed when a spouse cannot be located for service.

If you have served your spouse with the divorce petition and she or he has not responded to it within the statutory 30 days, you may file a request to enter a default along with a proposed judgment. The court will set a hearing date and ask that you appear. At the hearing the judge may issue a ruling based entirely on what is stated in your divorce petition (or based on what you proved to the court) and then issue your divorce orders and judgment. By failing to respond or appear, your spouse gives up the right to have any say in the divorce proceeding or court judgment.

If you have filed for divorce and are dealing with an uncooperative spouse, you should speak with an experienced divorce attorney to discuss the possibility of pursuing a default case._


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I've been following your thread, didn't feel the need to post since you are getting excellent advice. 

The only thing I have to add is that it that he sounds like he has a personality disorder. Knowledge is power. If you have a smart phone take a look at the characteristics of personality disorders. Look at Boarderline and narcissistic personality disorders. See if he fits. 

If he does, you will find advice on how to deal with him. Knowing what's wrong with him will help you enormously. First of all, you will know that his mental illness is driving his behavior. 

Secondly, you will know that it is not you. Thirdly, you will be overjoyed that you are strong enough to get away. Not many people get out early. All of his relationships will be unstable. It does not feel like it now but this is a lucky break for you. 

Please take care. Try to decrease your reactions to him. You cannot reason with him. If you can completely detached you will make it through till the end very well. Hang in there.

One last thing, I am almost certain that he is trying to draw you into some kind of friendship. He needs your support to launch him on his new life. It will be a bumpy road for him and he may be quite desperate for your help. Most likely he thought that you would continue to hang on hoping. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh if he will not help you lift heavy objects do what you would he were not there. Find some nice stranger to help you or a bellman. Act as if you are traveling alone and pretend he is not there. Anticipate what you need before arriving and go strait away like he is not there. 

He get satisfaction from denying you assistance. Don't give him a chance. Tell him "that's fine if you can't manage, I'll get a man to help me". ATreat him like a non-person.

Think about getting a lawyer. He seems like a bully. l It is to his advantage to have the D uncontested. He won't play nice so you need to protect yourself. Can you borrow money from a family member. Don't sign anything till the exchange of assets.

Don't let him know what you plan. Go absolutely NC once you are home. Only communicate through lawyer. That will teach him that he gets what he deserves. Not having you and needing to manage his new life all alone. Ask your family to stay close. Have the lawyer communicate with him once you get home. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size l


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

This^^^^^^


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the responses. I looked up narcisist and he does have a lot of the traits of being one. It would also explain a lot. I'm not sure if he's that or just a selfish jerk. 

He gave me the money already for getting the uncontested papers drawn up. I'm hoping he won't want to waste the money drawing the whole thing out. 

If he does I'm not sticking around to keep him company.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AMK,

Are you back in your home state? How did the rest of the road trip go?

And where do things stand now?


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> AMK,
> 
> Are you back in your home state? How did the rest of the road trip go?
> 
> And where do things stand now?


I'm currently back in his home state. This next weekend I'll be flying out in the morning. So I'm just counting down the days since I have the receipt for the ticket in my email!

The road trip didn't go well. I hate typing on my smart phone so I just never updated on here. The silent treatment he was giving me over me demanding him to respect me and be mature about the situation was broken around 1 day after he started it. However, in under 10 hours it started up again because he reverted to being nasty and doing the vulgar sexual innuendos. I was also told I was a "parasite leaching off his trip" the one night we were actually talking....No, I'm his wife and I'm riding back to his home state to get my belongings. 

The only time he helped me with my suitcases into the car without me having to ask is after a nice guy at the hotel we were leaving showed up to the elevator helping me with one of my suitcases when he'd left me in his dust without saying a word. I'm guessing he felt like a jerk after seeing a random guy help me and not him.

His attitude has gone down hill each day. The first night we arrived in his hometown we got into the hotel room and the room that was supposed to have 2 queen beds had one double. After I called the front desk and realized they couldn't fix the situation that evening I immediately told him I'd stay at his parents place. Then asked if he'd talked to them yet. And he said "Yes, I've talked to my family and they support me." At which point I felt awful.

Fast forward a few hours. He'd booked us a 2 bed place for the following evening and said that he'd stay at his parents instead of me. It was an odd gesture of slight kindness. Turns out after he left I found out from talking to his family when I took them off Facebook after sending them all notes about what was going on - no one knew he wanted a divorce yet. So he'd lied and that's the reason he suggested he stay at his parents that evening and not me. His siblings also expressed extreme sadness that it was over and said they all really liked me and would hate to see me go.

The next day after having a glorious evening without him he picked me up in the morning. The only way I got him to respond to my texts asking him to was telling him if he wasn't there I was going to call his parents house to get a hold of him. We took care of banking in town and then headed out to his parents so I could pack. For the short time he was around them he varied from nasty, decent to nice. Nice mainly when he was around me around them. Gotta keep up those appearances!

He left after an hour though and I was there alone with his parents lifting 100 pound boxes with 2 60 year old people so I could get the right information to have them shipped from their home. They generally didn't talk about it the divorce much. I'm guessing the divorce he had before was a really nasty and they got dragged into it.

After all that was done I got to check into our new place and *surprise* it has two bedrooms. After how terrible the last week had been I felt amazing having a separate room from him again with a lock.

His mood definitely has not improved, but fortunately I can just stay away from him now until I leave to go back to my home state. I also don't need him to go to my two other appointments this week since he doesn't have to sign off on anything. And he knows when I'll be taking the car for them and food in the evenings even though he doesn't like it. Too bad.

All in all I'd say Friday night and Saturday were the most tiring and emotional draining days. I almost felt back to square one when absolutely everything went wrong Friday evening. However at the end of the night things were looking better.

In comparison to that this coming week looks like a fun time. I'll be focusing on school work and just avoiding him when he's home from work. It won't be fun, but it will be much better then last week. Mostly though I'm just looking forward to getting out of here and moving on. I feel like my life starts again this weekend on my flight home. And I'm looking forward to it.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Wow, all that in about 4 weeks--I am still screwing with my nightmare for six months now. You are remarkable person and clearly you will be better than just fine. I am guessing you will remember the closing of that plane door this weekend for a long tie to come.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Hi, I hope things are going better for you as time goes on. It seems you are going through a lot. Your husband certainly does not deserve you at all.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

_I had just created this large post from my phone and kept going back and trying to fix the auto correct errors in it and ended up deleting it accidentally! So here it is again, this time on my laptop._

Thank you both.  While I think the last four weeks have been terrible I'm optimistic about my future, whatever it may end up holding. I'm thinking I'll remember both getting dropped off at the airport and the plane door closing for a long time to come. I'm starting to see a change in my STBXH and I'm very, very glad that I am leaving tomorrow.

Another update:

Last night I'm sitting in my room laughing on the phone with one of my friends and he comes in a few times to ask me stuff. The very last time he comes to the door all serious like and looking distraught. He wants to talk in his room sitting on his bed. I get in there and he starts going into how he thinks it was the amino acids changing his mood end emotions. And how he's been thinking about this for a while now and he's really sorry about how he treated me and handled the whole situation. So he finishes saying his piece and just sits there looking at me to see what my reaction will be. 

At this point I'm thinking....what in the hell do I say back to this man? And then I realize. What do I actually hope to achieve from this conversation and what do I actually want?

So after a few moments I just settle on. "Ok. And since you're free at the moment can you sign the divorce papers now?" 

I realized that I don't care to get into some heated argument about how he's wronged me. What a monster he's been. How he's treated me less then a person at times. Or how random strangers have showed more kindness in a few moments then he could that whole road trip.

And while a part of me likes to think I'm above all this petty, nasty, immature **** he always reverts back to doing in a moments notice. I also realized I just don't care anymore. I don't want anything from him besides what the divorce paperwork says he'll do and I sure as hell don't want to help him get over his guilt about how's treated me.

And while it was a very harsh moment to bring up signing the paperwork. I'm assuming without putting it into words it also let him know without a shadow of a doubt how I feel about him currently. And will hopefully put a stop to all future sad and regretful conversations he tries to bring up at least until I'm gone.

And yes, he did sign the divorce paperwork. Actually, without reading a single word on any of the four documents. He's either very trusting, very dumb or I caught him completely off guard with my request.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

As harshly as it sounds it was the perfect time to ask for the signature, he admitted defeat so to speak. He got exactly what he wished for. While it was heartfelt from him to a point, it was still finding any excuse for the behavior more than anything. At least in my opinion. Did he ask at any point to try and work things out during this talk?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

AM Best of luck to you. I am so glad that you are getting away from this crazy man.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

It's been a while since I posted.

I've been back for about 4 months now. My divorce should be finalized soon. And for some reason this last week out of the blue I miss him. It's a heart wrenching ache even though my brain knows way better.

Since I've gotten back our messages have been limited to email and him texting me a few times. I blocked him from my email instant chat since I didn't want him messaging me. 

He told me that he went to military counseling after I left to try and figure out why he wanted to leave me. He thought that he was bipolar and they were investigating it, if he was they would have kicked him out of the military. However, none of that ended up happening so I have no idea what conclusion he came to with it. Other then that he "learned a lot in counseling and it helped him to make some choices about me, not that they were completely his to make."

Around a month and a half ago he asked if I wanted to try and work on our relationship again. Things happen everyday to him that remind him of me and it tears him up inside. And that he was willing to spend the rest of his life apologizing for the mistakes he'd made. He said he'd been waiting for me to bring it up again. Since I had so many times within the first few days of him asking me for a divorce. And that he needed to ask me before I was completely out of his life.

I basically just responded that since he wanted a divorce so badly in the beginning I think we should see it through. Especially since the papers were signed and it was already processing.

To which he responded that he's sorry that he hurt me so bad that I've begun to hate him and that he couldn't stress how wrong he was in the end but he completely understands that I want nothing to do with him. And then that he didn't want to let the chance go by the he wanted to be with me and if I had any desire for the same go by and him missing that chance before it was too late. Which he said was probably when he incorrectly stated that he didn't love me anymore.

I never corrected him about me hating him or any other emotional conclusions he's come to since I've left.

I'm not sure why now I'm starting to feel like this again. I could list countless reasons why I'm stupid to still feel this way and why he's a terrible person. Everything he's put me through. It just doesn't make sense.

The only things that have changed recently were that he didn't email me back instantly last week. I can't actually tell if he was doing it on purpose to annoy me since he then wrote me back exactly a week later from when I wrote him, down to the 5 minute time difference. Maybe I'd gotten used to hearing from him within 10 minutes to a few days of writing him.

The last time I wrote him was about not getting the paperwork for our divorce being finalized yet when I thought it would be. Since he's keeping me on his health insurance til we're officially divorced. And he either got confused about 30 days ago and thought it was already final or was just fishing for a reaction from me, so I'm trying to be ultra clear with him these days.

Anyways, he wrote back that it's ok about the divorce and that he really doesn't care that much anymore. Which of course wasn't great to hear right now but it's good to know because I need to snap out of this relapse in missing him.

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is that I don't know if I miss him or if I just miss the thought of him. When I think about our time together, the whole time, I look back and don't really see something that I should be missing.

Yhttp://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/08/08/you-dont-miss-him/

Also. The logical part of me knows that I should never attempt to be with this man ever again even if I do miss the actual him. With everything he's put me through. And honestly, he sends me an email to see if I want to work on the relationship. After hinting around about it for months. Who does that if it really matters that much to someone? He didn't even call me to talk about it. Or I dunno, we were married, fly out here and show up at my door begging to have me back?

I don't know why I'm lingering on my response to him asking if I'd like to work on it a month and a half ago. Maybe because I wasn't really honest with him back then about how I felt, but I guess I don't want to trust my feelings to someone who wanted me gone at the drop of a hat and maybe wanted me back that way too.

Looking back I probably should have never responded to him at all through email. I was doing it so he'd cooperate with the stipulations of our divorce and I still really feel like if I hadn't he wouldn't have completed it all.

Anyways, sorry for the long rambling post. I guess I'm all over the place today.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I am sorry you are still struggling with this. The whole thing sucks. I have to agree, if he really loved you and wanted you back he would come there and tell you that and do whatever it took. This attempt seems half hearted at best. I say just get your grieving for the relationship done and move on. I think years from now when you look back at this chapter and when you are in a happy and healthy relationship (and you will be) you will see that. Best of luck, you are a strong person and you will get through this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is fishing to get you to say you still want him so he can tell you he does not want you. Why, you say? Well because you won. You D him when he lest expected it. I believe he had you pegged for a longterm victim. Someone who he could crank around for years and make you grovel for his love. You won. Why are you sad? 

You are one of a rare breed, you got away from a crazy-making person!! It takes the average good human decades to get free of these soul suckers. Do you think maybe he thought that you were so beaten down that you believed he was the best you could do. 

I guess you show'd him.:rofl:

Now its time to heal, you stepped on a rattle snake and lived. Look forward to continued good fortune. :smthumbup:


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

I'm so sorry that is going on with you. I too am I going through the samething. My husband said he cares about me a lot, but doesn't love me anymore. Although it's been 8 days since he left, I still try to push myself that if I leave him alone eventually he will come back. This is my 2nd day of no calling or texting him. As much as I want too, I tell myself not to! Keep your head up n know that everything will be ok. Go out n do things, exercise, running do something fun. You deserve much more in life then this.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

He sounds like my wife...not the same scenario but the same "not sure I love you or if I ever did" but she added some things in there to justify things being my fault.
I'd honestly go to where he is working out or whatever and see for yourself. You don't have to be confrontational or come across like a "crazy wife," that will just fuel his fire. But he is your husband, you are his wife and you can sure go in and check it out and politely/confidently say you aren't leaving your marriage without more details. The 180 is good too. I never thought I'd be in this situation but I'm learning that is the basis for most people in here. None of us did.
Good luck!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AMK... are you still around?

Would love to know how things turned out...

Wishing the best for you.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

It's been a really long time since I've posted.

Between full time college and work I don't have much spare time. And sometimes I get caught up in long stretches and don't think about my divorce or my ex.

On the plus side, I already managed to get a job in my field less then one year into my degree. The place is really awesome and I can almost say I love being at work. Also, I'm already wracking up experience for my resume whenever I graduate. So yay!

Sometimes though out of the blue everything that's happened still derails me from an otherwise great day. I don't know if it's the suddenness of how it all happened or the fact that I never really told him off throughout the entire process. Or just remembering how our relationship was initially and wondering what in the world happened for it to end that way.

During those times, I like to go back and read my messages to friends and family during what I've deemed my month to hell and back. Nothing like hearing what you've written about someone who broke your heart and kept treating you like less then a person for a month to bring you back to reality.

Anyways, I haven't heard from him for about two months now. He was emailing me and even admitted to be "creepy and stalkerish" when he realized I'd blocked him on some social media and asking me about my life. The last email I sent I'd finally taken him up on his offer to send me things he'd found of mine, he'd asked if I'd wanted him to mail them out. Since then I haven't heard from him at all. While I've contemplated emailing him again for it, I just don't feel like it's worth it to me.

I'm now assume he's either finally done talking, he's getting off on knowing I want something that I accidentally left behind and can't replace, or he knows once I finally have everything of mine I'll have no reason to keep talking to him. Yes, he's said that last exact line to me. So who knows? 

It's going on about five months now though that I've been officially divorced. I feel like at this point I should be way past where I feeling, at least today, but I guess there's no official timeline.

On long stretches where I've felt awesome and no need to dwell on the past, I've dabbled in dating but eventually find myself wanting to spend my decreasing amounts of free time not having to worry about someone other then myself.

That's where I am right now though. I wish I could say I'm over it and that place is just a dark spot in my memory that I skip over on rainbows, but I'm just not there yet. I hope anyone else recovering from being blindsided by a divorce is doing better.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> He sounds like my wife...not the same scenario but the same "not sure I love you or if I ever did" but she added some things in there to justify things being my fault.
> I'd honestly go to where he is working out or whatever and see for yourself. You don't have to be confrontational or come across like a "crazy wife," that will just fuel his fire. But he is your husband, you are his wife and you can sure go in and check it out and politely/confidently say you aren't leaving your marriage without more details. The 180 is good too. I never thought I'd be in this situation but I'm learning that is the basis for most people in here. None of us did.
> Good luck!


My post goes back a really long ways.

I'd been divorced about ... two months at the time you posted this, I also live no where near him anymore. We're talking plane trips to even get close.

Thank you though. I hope the situation with your wife has gotten better since you posted. Or that you're at least in a better place with yourself then you were back in November.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

Lynnie1981 said:


> I'm so sorry that is going on with you. I too am I going through the samething. My husband said he cares about me a lot, but doesn't love me anymore. Although it's been 8 days since he left, I still try to push myself that if I leave him alone eventually he will come back. This is my 2nd day of no calling or texting him. As much as I want too, I tell myself not to! Keep your head up n know that everything will be ok. Go out n do things, exercise, running do something fun. You deserve much more in life then this.


Thank you. 

In my case, it took two weeks after I left on a plane for him to reach out to me through texts / emails and start asking if I wanted to work on our relationship. That lasted for a few months.

That was of course after I told him once I left I was gone for good. And ... I am.

Even though I miss ... him or the person he was to me or finding a person in your life that makes you truly happy, whether that time together with him was real or not. The things he put me through I could never go back to him. I'm not sure when I actually reached that point of no return, but I did.

It's been a while since you posted, so I'm not sure where you're at with your husband. I can honestly tell you though, doing a no contact helps. At first you'll do it with hopes of secretly getting him back, but after a while you might find your motives change. Your situation is rough, I know. Lean on friends and family and remember there are plenty of people that still care for you. 

I really hope you've gotten to a better place then you were at.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AMcKineth,

Glad to hear that you are doing so much better. Yes there will be days where the divorce and all that went along with it will just hit you out of nowhere. With time this will happen less and less.

You might find this hard to believe, but there will come a time when you don't think about him or your marriage for months, even years. 

You are moving on and doing well. Good for you!!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

AMcKineth,

Your ex is about as steady as ping pong ball in a gust of wind. You are lucky to be done with him.

You now know what to do when you spot a red flag, not only in relationships with men but in life in general. You probably want to make things right for people because you are kind and generous. Beware of co-dependency.

Once again you did not mix your DNA with his – major good fortune.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Your husband is a coward! Its sad that some men only want their wives back when their timing is right for them. Don't engage in any activity with him. Stay strong like you've been doing for awhile! I've been looking at the updates you've made so far n your doing an awesome job on the whole 180 rule! 180 is always the best way! You learn to cope on your own without no distractions!


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