# Confront her?



## jbigbesh (Oct 1, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 17 years and we have a beautiful 4 year old son. I have been struggling with prescription medication for about 2 years now. I have relapsed twice and have told countless lies to hide it. I started using meds for 3 degenerative discs and stenosis of the spine. It turned from legitimate use to addiction about a year and half ago and I have been struggling with it since.

About 4 weeks ago my wife found out I relasped for the second time and kicked me out of the house. She stated that this was it, that she was done. She refuses to talk and we havnt seen or communictaed with eachother since.

I have suspected for a while but found proof that she has feelings for a guy at work and that this started well before my relaps. I still love my wife dearly and will fight for our marriage. My question is should I confront her with this relationship now, should I wait... how do I confromt her? I do not think this has been physical yet.

We are both christians and I am blown away that she would allow this to happen. Any advice or suggestions would be appriciated. I am obviously not in a good state of mind and I do not want to make a mistake. Oh and I am getting help for my addiction and have been clean since the separation.

Thanks,

James


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

well if it isnt physical yet, and you expect it will become physical. i would suggest now would be a good time to confront her if you intend to prevent further damage to your marriage.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Make sure you have irrefutable proof. Proof that she cannot wave away or try to diminish, dismissing you as being paranoid. 

Then you need to make a decision. How well do you know your wife? What kind of confrontation will it take to shake her out of her stupor? This is essentially a battle of morale. WWII was won because an atom bomb was dropped. The atom bomb was dropped because a battle of attrition was not sufficient for the type of foe being faced. So what you need to decide is, will the mere revelation of your knowledge bring your wife out of her self-entitlement and self-delusion? 

From my experience with women and marriages, I would personally say that most of the time the answer is probably "no."

In which case you need to use an atom bomb. File for divorce without her knowing it (just because you file doesn't mean you actually have to divorce), and then sit her down and get very serious. Slap the divorce papers on the table first to shock her, and then tell her precisely why you're doing it. Don't show her the proof until she denies that she's done anything wrong (and she of course will deny it). Then tell her you've already outed her to your friends, family and church members (and you should).

While this may seem orchestrated and harsh, remember that the wounds of a friend are true while the kisses of the enemy are poison. If you really want to save your marriage, you are going to need to do something like this. 

Because the very fact that she's having an affair necessarily implies that she feels she is exceptional and therefore justified in being immoral. You're both Christians so I don't need to tell you about the problems Paul faced when he was correcting the Corinthians in I Cor. 5. They were so arrogant that they literally felt they could sin as much as they want _because they were special enough and strong enough to sustain it_. That is the pathology that has gripped your wife. 

True reconciliation, true salvation of marriage is surgery. Not ointment.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

You have to put drop the pills first and foremost...I get the addiction trust me.
But if your wife is showing her support, by starting up an affair, and using you relapsing as a reason to kick you out, in all reality more likely to give her the opportunity to cheat..Being that she 'found out' you had slipped, I assume you hadn't caused any direct trauma as a result of it.. 

She found out you relapsed, and hasn't called you for 4 weeks, not even to see if you are still alive?

Do you really want to be with her????

You'll have a much better chance of kicking the pills without her....
Go see your 4 year old, ignore her completely, dress smart, clean, don't even acknowledge her presence...

Stop numbing the pain with pills, the pain you where suffering was able to be masked with the meds, but this pain now cannot be....


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

P.S. 

How active are you two at your church? Get your elders to help you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You could confront her, but not sure if it will matter much since she said she was done after learning of your second relapse. My guess is that, although you think you hid the first one well, she knew about it anyway. Even if you tell her that you are clean, she still may not be willing to reconcile because she can't trust you to STAY clean. That may be a deal breaker for her. And, she may see that as protecting your son. 

If you have no PROOF that this was going on before the separation, then you really have nothing. Unless you can prove that it started before she kicked you out, there is no point in confronting her.

I will, however, suggest that you SHOULD be in contact with her regarding your son. She may not be willing to reconcile for fear that you will relapse again, but she would have to be heartless to try to keep you from your son now that you are getting treatment.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Confront her now and she will blame you and tell you she will no longer see this POS and she will do what ever to save the marriage. Then you will be satisfied and more the reason to keep dosing.

Or you can take the evidence and expose it to the OM (other man) wife or GF and then confront her. Expose it to her family and make a clear statement that you WILL NOT SHARE YOUR WIFE and reestablish boundries that define what you will no longer tolorate.


Sure you got a problem and damb it you you need to get your crap together. But the way your old lady is handleing the marriage problem is wrong. Her freaking bandaid she has ....callled the OM is decietful and filled with lies. 

Sorry brother but stop dosing and man up and take control of your marriage. Sure you will be labled controling but if being controlling is how you need to protect your marriage then so be it. 

Yo can't control her but you can offer this protection up and if she refusses then tell her to leave cuz no man should have to share his wife.

I don't care if you are on crack cocain or beat her. she has a choice to leave get a divorce and be an honorable women in leaving a user.......but no her easy way out is to bull crap you and blow smoke up your butt.


Having been there I would have been better off served if my chick left an abusive husband (me) then lie to me for all those years.

Is she nat better then me ...no but the fact remains that the dynamics of your marriage has forever changed, now what are you going to do to be happy? You do know you diserve to be happy, right? You do see that your chick might be bringing out the worste in you?
The boy doesn't diserve this crap either so check your sh!t at the door and work on your self as a dad. Your old lady can do what ever she wants....hell she might be a lost cause, or some little girl that *can* be fixed......

bottome line is fix your self before you can fix anything else, like a marriage.

Take my advise and raise your attraction level up by having the confidence to focus on you and your boy. Your old lady can then make the choice to come along or not....but you cant do a damb thing about it except control what what you do and how others see you from now on.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jbigbesh said:


> About 4 weeks ago my wife found out I relasped for the second time and kicked me out of the house.


How did she do this? By a restraining order?



jbigbesh said:


> She stated that this was it, that she was done. She refuses to talk and we havnt seen or communictaed with eachother since.


You don't see her when you visit your son or did you take him with you when you moved out?



jbigbesh said:


> I have suspected for a while but found proof that she has feelings for a guy at work and that this started well before my relaps. I still love my wife dearly and will fight for our marriage. My question is should I confront her with this relationship now, should I wait... how do I confromt her?* I do not think this has been physical yet.*


If you've been out of your own house for 4 weeks and you think she started up with this clown long before that, then we both know you're wrong about that bolded part up there.



jbigbesh said:


> We are both christians and I am blown away that she would allow this to happen.


Unfortunately, more people stop being Christians everyday. Besides, as mousse points out above, adultery has always been an issue. 



jbigbesh said:


> Any advice or suggestions would be appriciated. I am obviously not in a good state of mind and I do not want to make a mistake.


The most common mistake is confronting without ironclad, undeniable proof. What have you got?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

"I have relapsed twice and have told countless lies to hide it...."

So you, in effect, cheated on her first. You are a self admitted addict who did whatever it took to get you fix, regardless of what it did to your spouse. And now your mad that she might like someone else ?? Get you ass into rehab and show her your serious about getting clean. Until your clean you can't judge others.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

barbados said:


> "I have relapsed twice and have told countless lies to hide it...."
> 
> So you, in effect, cheated on her first. You are a self admitted addict who did whatever it took to get you fix, regardless of what it did to your spouse. And now your mad that she might like someone else ?? Get you ass into rehab and show her your serious about getting clean. Until your clean you can't judge others.


WTH? Dude, you seem to have an issue with crack, yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

barbados said:


> Get you ass into rehab and show her your serious about getting clean. .


Your wife is not looking at anything you have to show her, Her boyfriend ahs that covered. 

Rehap is all about you and what you want out of life.

Sure it will/ might raise your attraction level up, but until OM is completely out of the picture, you can not compete....you can make her think twice and second guess her choices, but rehap is all about you not her.

Hell you just might find that this women brings out the worst in you after all and bail any way.

Always remember the Om will always have an effect on the dynamics of the marriage even after thaey stop sleeping together and are just friends....right..... until Om is out of the picture forget about it!!!!!!

Do for you what you need to do for you. Work on your self and what ever happens with regards to your old lady is up to her and what *you* want out of an oldlady.

You diserve good things!


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> WTH? Dude, you seem to have an issue with crack, yourself.


I agree, look man, we can't help it sometimes, unless you've been there yourself you can't judge someone who has either.

OP you have to stay clean of course, but hiding your drug use, although wrong, doesn't deserve to be treated with her starting an affair. Nothing does, unless your beating her, nothing warrants that betrayal.

You seem to be in a really good place, to not spiral, and use what's happend to you as a reason to go deeper into it. To stay clean during this amount of pain is admirable, amazing even.
The fact you made it through 4 weeks (toughest part of it all) says you'll probably never end up back on them. 
Getting back with her though..,you'll open yourself up to more misery in the long run. 

Part of coming off, means righting your wrongs, write her a letter of apology, from your heart, not trying to win her back, end it in a way that shows you are not going to be pursuing your marriage any further. Go see your Son buddy, he needs his Dad..

After that, **** her off..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

She is sleeping with him dude, thats why she wanted you out of the house. MOVE BACK HOME NOW. 
Having you there reminds her she is a wife, mother, christian, and a cheater.

Also if you are home, your chances of getting the evidence is much greater.

So don't confront, and move back. Don't even tell her. Just do it.

How in the hell can you go 4 weeks without seeing your son.
30 day program ?????


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

We need more info. You working ?? Her ?? Own the home ?? Money??


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There is more info missing.
She kicked you out on finding out for the first time?
Did you work on your addiction?


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