# Pregnant and wanting to end my marriage



## Islandgirl86 (Feb 21, 2016)

My husband and I have known each other for over 23 years, since we were 7. We have been married for 3 years. He was first love in high school and when he moved out of the country, we remained friends. We only got together 5 years ago. When he moved out of the country, his (former)best friend and I eventually got together and I became pregnant, but before I found out I was pregnant, we broke up and my ex had someone else. I had my daughter at the age of 18 as a single mother (I actually wish that my ex never knew I was pregnant or that my daughter never had him as a father as dealing with him is a headache and nuisance, but that would be selfish for me to say, and that is another story).

With our daughter now at 10 years of age, my husband and I are now expecting our second child in our home and our first biological child together. In the three years since our marriage, it wasn't always the best. We had our own problems. We are both strong willed and we don't have good communication skills with each other. My husband thinks that the problems in our relationship can be solved if I change. My husband, daughter and I live in a home in another country away from family. However in the recent months, my daughter and I moved back to our home country to help my family run their business. My husband stayed in our home, away from us, as he has a stable job that helps support us. 

My husband went home with us to bring us here and he stayed with us for a few weeks. The day after he left, I found out I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. I had realized then that I would have my pregnancy on my own again, without my husband, for another 5 months. This would then be my second pregnancy without a partner, although I have a husband this time around, he is still absent. 

When I had informed my husband of my pregnancy, he didn't seem excited, with a monotone reaction. Perhaps, this is the way he is, but at the very least, since I was extremely happy, and since he was standoffish, I couldn't even share my excitement and happiness with him.

This isn't our first long distance in our relationship. I am away from him a few months out of the year. Last year, I was away for about 3 months, mostly because our daughter then was living in our home country with family, and this year, I had planned on being away for 4-5 months. Although there is Skype and many other ways that we can converse, my husband refuses to have a conversation with me. He doesn't want to call me and he gets annoyed when I call him. I rarely know what he is doing, where he is, or how his life is going as he doesn't want to communicate with me while I'm away. He says that he hates to speak on the phone and that he avoids to talk to minimize our arguments. As his wife, of course this impacts me. I want to communicate with my husband and receive an update on his life as well as speak with him on what is going on with mine and our daughters. To him, however, even if we didn't speak for 5 months, that he would be okay. I'm not sure what relationship that is, but I don't want to have that. When we first began dating again 5 years ago, the first 2 years of our relationship was long distance as I was in grad school in one country and he was working in another country. We used to talk everyday. I don't know why after we married, he refuses to talk to me on the phone and communicate with me. I feel that I am in a loveless relationship and that I am single raising my child alone without a partner, and expecting another child on my own. 

At 9 weeks of my pregnancy, i became very sick. I was admitted to the hospital as I was dehydrated from LBM. Even when I was pregnant and in the hospital, my husband never bothered to call me or even ask how I was doing. The following week, my grandmother passed away. It was one of the saddest and hardest times of my life. My grandmother has been my constant inspiration and she is one of the most important people in my life. Even then, he never called me to check on me and my daughter. I needed him to be there for me and he was absent. When I did call him right after the burial, he sounded annoyed with me and told me he was busy working. 

I am on my 13th week of pregnancy and I feel even lonelier with him as my husband than when I was single and pregnant. At least in my first pregnancy, I had friends who were there for me, who joined me in my ultrasound and lamaze classes, friends I could talk to to keep me company, they were even be there for me when I was giving birth. But now with my husband, even when I ask him to be there for me and Skype in with me in my ultrasounds so that he is there with me to experience it and that I am not alone, he makes up excuses on why he can't be there.

My husband is distant, not only physically but he is emotionally absent. I don't want to continue on with a husband who doesn't care and doesn't treat me the way I deserve. It has been this way for too long. I had only cited some examples of him during my pregnancy, but even before my pregnancy, my husband has been emotionally distant and this has been ongoing for many months now. In months prior, he has threatened divorce and separation in more times that I can count, and I keep holding on and fighting for our marriage. Though I've realized, why continue to hurt in this relationship and fight for it when there is nothing to fight for?

I tried to be open to him about how I feel but he denies that there is anything wrong, or he blames the problems on me. We tried marriage counseling and communication class but he never fully cooperates or he tells me how useless these classes are. I love my husband incredibly, or at least I did,and I wish that he loved and treated the way I deserve. Unfortunately, that isn't the case, and I know for a fact that he won't change. I can't continue on life this way. It hurts too much. Everyday, I feel lonelier and I end up in tears because of the way he treats me (or doesn't treat me). The unnecessary arguments with him is not good for my pregnancy either. 

I no longer want to continue on this marriage, and I would like to end it before the baby comes to avoid less confusion after our child is born. I am already in another country anyway, I can just decide to move here in the long term. The baby will grow up without an active father, but at least I have family, who also helped me raise my first daughter, there with me to help me raise my second child. I didn't plan on being a single mother, again, and raising another child on my own, but I'd rather do this on my own than be with someone who hurts me. 

It will be a hard and painful journey, I know as I've been through it before. But I know that I deserve better than this.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I agree, you should just stay with your family and file for a divorce. He doesn't want to talk to you, will not make time for you. Sounds like he either doesn't care or is hiding something. Has he ever had an affair before? It sucks being a single mom, trust me, been there done that but you can do it. You are already in a great place surrounded by people who love and care about you, if I were you, I wouldn't leave that to go back to a man who didn't care.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Possible he's having an affair? Maybe that's why he acts this way. Be alert.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are going through this Island Girl (have you been a member of this forum before? I thought I recognized the name…) 

I too have lived in separate countries from my (Soon to be Ex) husband, who is not very communicative. During my second pregnancy, 18 years ago now, he lived away from us. I was still living near my in-laws so that helped a lot, but it was tough living alone in house with a toddler and being pregnant, and trying to finish a degree as well. We moved to where he was after the second was born. That was the hardest year of my life to date! I had no family or friends in that country (although made new friends), and was then a stay at home mom with an 18 month old and a 4 week old baby. He worked a lot, and he was also distant when home, so I never have felt so alone in my life as then. It was only for a year and half thankfully, and then we moved to my home country (U.S.). He was still traveling, so I went with the kids to where my family was. He came home to us every couple of weeks. Long story short… he ended up having an affair during that time, almost left us then, but I fought for the marriage and we worked it out. Fast forward… after 10 years of doing ok, he started to travel again for work, and eventually he had another affair, and this time left with absolutely no fight or argument for me. He could never communicate well. He wanted to but for some reason just couldn't. We never, ever fought. We argued sometimes, but I'm thankful there was never any meanness in it. 

This is very simplistic from a complicated marriage and living situation, but here is what I would recommend looking at our situation in hindsight:

First and foremost STAY WHERE YOU FAMILY IS, until you work this out one way or the other. I cannot tell you enough how much being home with my family helped me, saving my sanity. You went through one pregnancy alone, but with family, you are not really alone. 

2) If he can't communicate and won't work with a counselor or even try, he probably won't ever. This was one of the most frustrating things of all in my relationship. We even tried counseling too, after the first affair. He didn't really want to and only went because I wanted to. It didn't go anywhere or change anything. Much like yours, we used to call and talk a lot, but that was for fun stuff and stuff we were looking forward to things, but when it came to hard discussions or anything to do with emotions or unhappiness, it was complete shut down. No matter what I did, nothing could change it. It also seems to be a family trait of his, since his sister and father are both rather silent on those things too. 

3) There are times I wish we had called it quits after the first infidelity. But that's purely a hindsight reaction because of how we've ended up. There are times I feel like I wasted many good years on a man who really wasn't there for me, and I can't help but wonder how much happier I would have been if we had split then. Would I maybe have found another, who was loving and open with me? I wonder how much different my life would be now. But I'm also not unhappy at just being alone either.

Here's the biggest issue: 
What is best for your kids? For me, I'm glad we stayed together and had a good family home for my kids when they were growing up. He was a good and caring, supportive father, even though he traveled. He was very involved and always took the time with them, going to events, and doing something that was just for him and one child or the other. He was a good dad, even though not physically present much of the time. 
That is the only saving grace and makes me feel ok with sticking it out for a number of years. 

But I also wonder what it would have been like if we'd split when they were only 2 and 3. Just the same since I was the main parent at home and he breezed in and out because of travel? Would he have been just as involved with them? To them, I'm not so sure that having divorced parents would have looked any different since he traveled so much, except financially(!), since we all certainly have benefitted from the financial security. I was able to remain at home with them (which they needed since one child had a lot of difficulties at school and socially in the early years). We also raised animals on the my family's farm, which all the way around, was a great. But I will always wonder if spending so much time and energy on keeping the family together was a waste of time and good years for me? 

For you, you are already living apart and a new child won't know anything different if you decide to split now. You sound like you are very independent and able to do this on your own. Your other daughter also has had you as the main parent. I see staying with your family is the most important thing you can do. That is your safety net. No one supports you like your own family when you have kids and need some support, especially if you have a non communicative other half. If he's not that thrilled with having a child, and he's not there and actively involved in your pregnancy, nor wishing he could be, then he probably will always be absent.


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