# Wife had an affair



## hardtime

Here is my story. I have been married for 10 years in October. I have 3 children, 17 step daughter, 12 year old step daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son. I discovered my wife was having an affair through her text messages. When I confronted her about it, I was angry and did this in ear shot of my two step daughters. That was wrong, and am sorry for that. My wife is very upset that I did that. 

We talked about the affair a little bit and she told me that she ended it to work on our marriage. The problem with that is she has not even tried to work on our marriage since day 1. She is 40, and I think she is going through a Midlife Crisis. 

One month after finding out, she tells me she wants a seperation. She throughs alot of blame at me for not being compatable for the last 2 years. She finds anything she can to blame me for our marriage problem. She does seem sincire about feeling terrable about the affair.

I have tried many different things to show her that I still love her and want our family to stay together. I am affraid that she is trying to push me out of her life. Am not sure how to deal with all my emoitions and feelings. I am going to se a counsleor for myself. She is not willing to attend.

Any input is appreciated.


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## Shaggy

She is still carrying on the affair. She is gas lighting you and the separation is so she can try out the other guy before making a decision.

The blame is her blame shifting. The years of not being comparable was her cheating.

Do not accept what she is doing here. Do not move out of the house. If someone leaves it should be the cheater. If someone works hard for the marriage it's puke be the cheater. 

Don't get sucker punched again. Find out how she us still contacting the guy and meeting up,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Oh and she should get off her high horse about her kids finding out. They are old enough to understand and should know what their mother did to their familly. Don't feel bad fir not helping hide her lies. If she didn't want to be what she is, then she shouldn't be cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardtime

The affair started in March of this year, and was exposed in July. My problem with her statement of not being compatable for the last 2 years is that my son was not born with instuctions for me to know how to divide my time between her, him and the 2 step daughters


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## Shaggy

It was exposed, but did All contact end? These things don't just turn off like a switch. Her statements are called gas lighting and they are very typical of a cheating spouse. Just wait till you get "I love you, buy I'm not in love with you" BS. It sounds like they are continuing on the affair even if by email or text or meeting up.

If you want to fix this, then you have to show her that you are willing to let her go. If she will not get rid of the OM and work on the marriage, then tell her to go. It's hard, but you'll go through he'll chasing her and trying to earn her love back, but you'll fail. You need to show her that you are a strong make who she wants to be with. You do this through actions like telling her she can leave if she isn't willing to fully work on this, starting with coming clean and ending contact via a no contact letter.

Don't be afraid of her leaving, she already did when she began the affair. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express

Your wife is justifying her A., and everything else she is doing, by blaming you for everything

If there were problems with the mge., fine, you own half of them, she is responsible for her half, and someone should have forced some communication----she HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE ANOTHER MAN INTO HER, AND BREAK HER VOWS, under any circumstance

You need to go about what you will now do, in the following way, No more Mr. Nice-Guy---No Lovey-Dovey

You must be hard as nails, about everything

You make all the rules about YOUR future----Your future is No. #1, kids come 2nd---your wife is left as 3rd in your dealings

You make all the rules, as this is your future, therefore your ballgame----You are to be calm, cool, and collected about everything---AND YOUR WIFE GETS NO INPUT, NOR SAY ABOUT ANYTHING

Yes she can decide her future---but if she wants to try and CONVINCE you to R., then it is done by your rules, and they are to be tuff rules, with ACTIONABLE DEALBREAKER, END THE MGE. CONSEQUENCES

If she doesn't like it, toooo bad---tell her she is free to find an atty., and file for D., at any time----

You have the leverage, cuz somehow I do not see her wanting to become a single, divorced woman and mother of 3, at 40 yrs old, with the label of cheater----she will have to work, maybe 2 jobs, to make ends meet---she will have to take care of the 3 kids when it is her turn, and that is not gonna leave her, time, nor finances, to do much else---She is also looking at the prospect of there not being much in the way of guys out there for her---there will certainly be no one to take care of her, as you do/did/would---what she will deal with is guys who want ONS, want her to take care of them, want to use her, and for sure probably don't want an instant family of a cheating wife, and 3 kids---

-SO YOU SEE YOU HAVE THE LEVERAGE----use it wisely, and make sure you do what is best for you---tolerate nothing from her, remember she had no problem cheating on you, she knows how to lie, connive, manipulate, deceive, and blameshift---------------and basically she disrespects you, and thinks very little of you, and she surely doesn't love you, and may never again, no matter what she says---( Refer to above Paragraph, about your leverage)

If she even wants a chance at getting back into the family, and your good graces---she becomes grovelingly remorseful, completely contrite, an open book, and she COMPLAINS ABOUT NOTHING----that is the way it MUST be for the early period of your R., if that is the way you want to go!!!!!!!


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## Geoffrey Marsh

hardtime,

All of the above advice is solid! Take heed my friend. Things are going to get worse before they get better.

Make sure you come to grips with the reality of the situation. Things will never be the same again...and times are going to be rough.

Do not let her pass the buck over to you. This is not your fault!

The best advice on what you can be doing now is:

Focus on yourself! I know this gets said about a thousand times a day on this forum...but it really is the only thing that will help in the early stages. Focus on yourself!

Assume everything that your wife is telling you is a lie. I stopped seeing him...ok..proof? I want to work it out...ok..proof? I feel really bad about the affair..ok..proof?

Her actions need to backup her words.

best wishes,

GM


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## hardtime

Thanks for the input. I am going to see a psychologist today, and will respond later. This SUCKS


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## ArmyofJuan

hardtime said:


> The affair started in March of this year, and was exposed in July. My problem with her statement of not being compatable for the last 2 years is that my son was not born with instuctions for me to know how to divide my time between her, him and the 2 step daughters


Ignore what she says, she is making stuff up and re-writing history to justify herself. Its impossible to rationalize with her at this stage so don't bother, she will just try to prove you wrong anyway.

Don't fight her, it will just strengthen her resolve. Instead give her what she says she wants, she'll have second thoughts and change her mid about things later once she starts to come out of her fog. 

Don't be her backup plan or make her feel secure with you. If she thinks you will always be there then she will have no motivation to want to come back. She has to earn her way back now since SHE did wrong, not you.


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## hardtime

OK, just got text report from cell phone. Confirmed that she is still communicating with OM. Really pissed. I am going to confront her tonight. She stated she wanted a sepration a week ago, she me finally get her wish, but under my terms.


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## F-102

Change the locks on the house, pack her stuff in a u-haul in the driveway and when she comes home and asks if you are leaving, toss her the keys and say: "No, YOU are!"

Then she'll try to follow you into the house (won't be able to, as you changed the locks), start screaming and pounding on the door, then you can call the police and tell them that you fear for your safety, and have her removed from the property.

Hey, it works for women, why not for a guy?


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## Eli-Zor

Track the OM down , expose this to his wife, if he is single expose to his parents and siblings. Affairs are only fun if no one else knows.

Before she gaslights you call her parents and tell them the truth.


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## bryanp

Absolutely expose this to the OM's wife immediately. You both need to get tested for STD's. Again key point is to contact the OM's wife immediately. Good luck.


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## hardtime

**** hit the fan last night. Asked her about texting OM. She denies. She doesn't know I have teh proof. Told her I was going to get text report from cell company. Still denies. Told her she has till Fri to decide if she wants to see counselor or not. I am guessing not. She still wants to live in her fantasy world. Next step is lawyer.


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## morituri

Don't tip your hand regarding lawyer.

Read *Just Let Them Go* and *The 180 degree rules*.

No matter what happens to your marriage, you will make it.


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## Entropy3000

Shaggy said:


> She is still carrying on the affair. She is gas lighting you and the separation is so she can try out the other guy before making a decision.
> 
> The blame is her blame shifting. The years of not being comparable was her cheating.
> 
> Do not accept what she is doing here. Do not move out of the house. If someone leaves it should be the cheater. If someone works hard for the marriage it's puke be the cheater.
> 
> Don't get sucker punched again. Find out how she us still contacting the guy and meeting up,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

How did her other marriage end?

Who is the other man?

Does she work with him? How does she meet him?


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## Entropy3000

Shaggy said:


> It was exposed, but did All contact end? These things don't just turn off like a switch. Her statements are called gas lighting and they are very typical of a cheating spouse. Just wait till you get "I love you, buy I'm not in love with you" BS. It sounds like they are continuing on the affair even if by email or text or meeting up.
> 
> If you want to fix this, then you have to show her that you are willing to let her go. If she will not get rid of the OM and work on the marriage, then tell her to go. It's hard, but you'll go through he'll chasing her and trying to earn her love back, but you'll fail. You need to show her that you are a strong make who she wants to be with. You do this through actions like telling her she can leave if she isn't willing to fully work on this, starting with coming clean and ending contact via a no contact letter.
> 
> *Don't be afraid of her leaving, she already did when she began the affair. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also a separation for her will just be the green light to carry on the affair while you support her and her two children.

Sometimes we use the term MLC as an excuse for bad behavior.


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## Entropy3000

hardtime said:


> OK, just got text report from cell phone. Confirmed that she is still communicating with OM. Really pissed. I am going to confront her tonight. She stated she wanted a sepration a week ago, she me finally get her wish, but under my terms.


A separation is what she wants. I suggest you tell her it is divorce. Then she has something to deal with.

Also realize that the OM has been talking to her about you. That he can give her what she needs and you are not a good man for her. It is part of the way they take the affair forward and into a PA.
Separation will enable the PA.


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## Shaggy

Go get a consult from the layer before Friday. She needs to know you are serious and you not accept her continuing affair. 

She knows that she is doing it. You do not need to reveal your sources at all it is entirely up to her to come transparent and prove that she is ending it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

She's done this before. You have 2 step-daughters who are not really your responsibility -- it's her's and her previous ex.

You have a son with her, so that's 50/50.

She has the experience of divorce already. But it's new to you.

Forget about the separation. It didnt work with her first marriage. And, I dont think she really cares about the upcoming divorce.

You will need to protect yourself financially and legally. Find a good lawyer.


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## Eli-Zor

Expose the affair to all and sundry his side and hers, make it heaven for them , see how quickly their love flounders. 

She has not had any consequences so give her the consequences and take the OM out, make his life difficult.


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## hardtime

Yes he does work with her (not same dept) I know this is a very bad thing. Her other marriage ended with her just leaving with kid, car, personal items and child support. It lasted 1 1/2 years. As far as lawyer, I tlked to one today. Friday will be the telling day. If no transparency or willingness to continue marriage, then am going to see lawyer for the second time.


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## hardtime

oh, about the other man, he is married with kids


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## Entropy3000

hardtime said:


> Yes he does work with her (not same dept) I know this is a very bad thing. Her other marriage ended with her just leaving with kid, car, personal items and child support. It lasted 1 1/2 years. As far as lawyer, I tlked to one today. Friday will be the telling day. If no transparency or willingness to continue marriage, then am going to see lawyer for the second time.


If you plan to R, then she should quite her job.


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## Eli-Zor

You have been blessed , take advantage of the situation.



> oh, about the other man, he is married with kids



Don't wast any more time , take him out , call his wife and expose him, if she does not react mail his parents, siblings and friends



> Yes he does work with her


Send a letter to his company HR department and a copy to his head of department , it must be signed for on receipt, and report the affair , state they are conducting an affair on company time, using company resources. 

Don't mess around with this, your marriage is worth a lot more than either of their jobs and she leaves the job tomorrow.

Your marriage will never recover while there is any form of contact, he has no incentive to stop and you are possibly hesitant in taking the steps to let them experience the consequences of conducting and affair at work.


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## hardtime

Sad thing is that affairs beween cowokers are common in her workplace. It just makes me sick that people cant honor marriage vows. What a sad world we live in


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## Eli-Zor

> Sad thing is that affairs beween cowokers are common in her workplace.


This is irrelevant 

Expose the affair to the HR department, it may be common but I assure you few BS put it on paper, once done both are in the limelight. 

Expose the affair to his wife and as many of his friends and family as you can. Get her out of that job.


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## Shaggy

Expose it to the OMW you both need to do your parts to end this. 

So far they are continuing the affair because they can. You and OMW can make this harder for them to do by showing them consequences
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardtime

problem is i dont know who he is, and will not answer is cell phone. I don't want my number reported for harrasment. Any ideas on how to find out who he is without doing it illegaly


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## Almostrecovered

Cidlookup.com may help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Go buy a prepaid cell. No one will know you even have it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible by exposing it to family, friends, and employeer.
Asking for there support in rebuilding the marriage, and that your W will no longer be living with you until she can commit to NC.

Doing this will help your W face the reality of her unhealthy choices.

Do your best to find OM and contact both him and his W, again making this A inconvienent with the hope of bring her out of her fog.

This time around show your W a confident man that will move on with out her, do not beg for this marriage. Keep your emotions in check, being indifferent when engaging her will empower you and may make her think twice about loosing you.

Stick witht the lawyer plan this will for sure second guess her choices.

Its only been a few days so please rethink the your choices, hope for the best but prepare for the worse. Your emotion are all over the place so a life changing disicion like divorce should thought
out and all options are exhausted, but sometimes you just have to let them go. 

For now work on your self, work out, eat, and spend more time with your kids with out your W, look into doing a 180 and distance your self from your W. Take away all the support you provide her, again giving a taste of reality and making this A as uncomfortable as possible.


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## hardtime

I am spending as much time with kids as possable. As far as doing anything for her, I will not. I went to court house to find answers on forms to fill out for division of assests, and no luck. Anyone have any ideas where to get this type of form? Searched internet with no resolve.
Thanks and God Bless You All for the advice.
I find this to be helping me alot.


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## jnj express

Division of assets, or listing---is on your forms in the D. packet-------you can print it out from comp


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## Moe1234

Talk to a qualified attorney. Seriously, before you "expose" anything, seek _good_ legal advice, and follow what they say. It'll most likely be the for the best in the end...


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## hardtime

How long should I take to let her come around. I still love her and want to work things out, but is 2 months long enough. I know I don't want to be a door mat, but am I proceeding to fast?


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## Geoffrey Marsh

hardtime said:


> How long should I take to let her come around. I still love her and want to work things out, but is 2 months long enough. I know I don't want to be a door mat, but am I proceeding to fast?


This is really up to you. If you are comfortable with her being around then go for it. I, however, wouldn't share space with her unless she has totally owned up to the affair.


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## Entropy3000

hardtime said:


> How long should I take to let her come around. I still love her and want to work things out, but is 2 months long enough. I know I don't want to be a door mat, but am I proceeding to fast?


You should not be waiting. You must act.


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## hardtime

Funny thing happened. Wife texted me after 4 days of me being out of house as per our arrangment of 4 on 4off. She wanted me to buy diapers for the baby, and she would pick them up from on her way home from work. I told her I was busy and probably wouldn't have time, but would get some and bring home with me on Friday when I returned. She replies with nevermind I will get them myself. Mind you she works in the same town and has to drive 10 mins out of her way to get from me when she goes right by the store we get them from. Sorry, enjoy a taste of single motherhood.


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## hardtime

Wow over 1000 views but not many comments


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## morituri

hardtime said:


> Wow over 1000 views but not many comments


No disrespect intended but could it because you don't reply to the comments people make on this thread?

The Guy gave you excellent advice, have you contacted the OM's wife or SO (significant other) to inform them of his affair with your wife?


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## Eli-Zor

morituri said:


> The Guy gave you excellent advice, have you contacted the OM's wife or SO (significant other) to inform them of his affair with your wife?




Indeed, once you start enacting a constructive plan we can help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan

hardtime said:


> Wow over 1000 views but not many comments


A lot of what you HAVE to do you are not going to want to do so I think people are waiting to see if you are committed yet. 

To get what you want is going to require you to do things you will see as counter-intuitive but that's why it works. Most people who follow their emotions fail because emotions are irrational by nature and you are going to be pretty emotional for a while (but so will she). Reverse Psychology is your friend at this stage.

It is possible to turn the tables in your favor but it won't happen by being the nice guy. Sometimes to get the girl back you have to push her away.

Just trust that all the people on here have nothing but your best interest at heart and know what they are talking about.


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## Geoffrey Marsh

ArmyofJuan said:


> Most people who follow their emotions fail because emotions are irrational by nature


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Perfect!


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## the guy

Hard,
You just got tested and you passed, she has lost her doormat.


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## the guy

She is already out of the house (4 on 4 off) so the reality is starting to sink in , but have you exposed the A? Espeacially to OMW?
Get the divorce papers drawn up, keep the pressure on. Remember she now has more time with OM 4 days out of the week, start exposing.


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## hardtime

I appreciate everyones input. I have read and re-read everythingseveral times. As far as pressure, it was applied this morning. Called her up and asked her if she thought about what I had said Monday night before I walked out of house about thinking about if she wants to work on our marriage. Her normal response of I don't know if i do or dont. I then asked her again about if she was contacting OM. She finally confessed that she is a couple texts a day. I then informed her that I had report that shows her desciption of a couple as 600 times. I told her that all contact with OM is to be over, she needs to go to counseling with me and all email, facebook and cell phone codes need to be given to me to show no contact. Her reply was you are blackmailing me. So I replied no, it is your choice, but if you don't do these things than I am going to file for divorce. Then conversation turned to money and how we cant afford an attorney. I will have no money for house, gas,etc etc etc. I then replied "I don't know what to tell you". I am not going to go on the way we are. I will not live in an open marriage. She has 3 days to figure it out.


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## the guy

Well played sir.
You got out of that blackmail corner very well.

So in three days what is the plan?
The divorce goes through, she moves out for good, the kids stay with you?
What about exposure to OM side and your W side?


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## jnj express

You can actually go on line---print out the divorce packet for free---file it, serve it---for the filing fee, get someone to serve her---and if it gets to be a problem, then get an atty---very little money spent at all

If you want to know your state's divorce code's---simply go on line, go to google, type in state (your state) family codes---every single law is there, and an atty, can do no more for you, than you can do for yourself----if you take some time, and look at the codes, you will find some very, very interesting info.


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## hardtime

Plan in 3 days as of right now is unknown. I told her that I will file. I do have some paperwork at home that I plan on filling out and leave out for her to see before I do my 3 days starting on Monday. I am very firm in my mind right now, that is what I am going to do. Didn't know a human could experience so many feelings at the same timee. (Happy, sad, angry, scared, relieved)

As for the OMW, can not get name. Chicken **** won't answer his phone, and no voice mail.


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## hardtime

As for the kids, my two stepdaughters, I have no say in what she does with them. My son, I am not sure what to do about. She is a good mother to them all excpet for the fact that she is putting their lives as they know it at serious risk. I also told her that she needs to tell them why things are the way they are. She is to worried about her image, so will not. I did convince her to talkl to a human services person about it. They told her that the 17 year old would be able to handle it, but the 12 year old they wouldn't advise it. I have a feeling that if she doesn't, they are going end up hating her in the future. And that is sad. Wish she would just fess up to it and try to fix things with her daughters.


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## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> Plan in 3 days as of right now is unknown. I told her that I will file. I do have some paperwork at home that I plan on filling out and leave out for her to see before I do my 3 days starting on Monday. I am very firm in my mind right now, that is what I am going to do. Didn't know a human could experience so many feelings at the same timee. (Happy, sad, angry, scared, relieved)
> 
> As for the OMW, can not get name. Chicken **** won't answer his phone, and no voice mail.


Google phone number look up . It may not be free but not expensive.:smthumbup:


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## hardtime

no records found. spent about 60 on several differnet sites to no avail


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## the guy

I spent some dough on my own investigation into my WW, it worth it and don't be discouraged by some dead ends.
The thing is to get what you need to take the next step for your sitch.....


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## hardtime

Took off my wedding ring 5 days ago. Doesn't feel like I am marriade any more. Saw wife for the first time in 5 days last night when we switched days away from houde. Don't know if she noticed or if kids have noticed. Am I wrong for takiing it off?


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## the guy

No, I took mine off and it took my WW a few days to notice.

The odd thing here is we are in total and successful R mood, and I can't seem to put mine back on.

We renewed our vows in Feb.'11 and I wore it that day, when we got back from Vegas I took it back off.

Dude for some reason it just doesn't mean as much as it did 20 years ago.


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## hardtime

Thanks guy. It just isn't the same when I see her. I am starting to lose feelings towards her. Never thought I would get to that point, but can only take so much negative comments about trying to save our family.


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## the guy

Well then its time to show her whats shes going to lose, good luke with the 180. I have a feeling that with the way you are currently feeling it should be easy for you.

The thing that will throw you a curve ball, is when your wife notices the real possiblity of loosing you she will get you swinging around again with another emotion, hence the rolloercoaster. Be prepared!


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## hardtime

I am ready for it. I just try to remind myself " I am not a doormat anymore. I am not the only one at fault with problems that led up to OM." Thanks for the advice the guy


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## the guy

Good montra, mine was "I diserve good things" back in the day I would have to repeat it all day long.

I suggest you do the same, but try not to say it out load, folks will steer. LOL


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## hardtime

How wacked can she get. We had a conversation with our 17 year old daughter about never going to be allowed to spend the night at her boyfriends house. This was about 10 months ago. My wife and I both were in agreement that this would never happen. Fast forward to today. Step daughters boyfriend supprises her with a trip home from college. My step daughter asks me "Can I spend the night at his house" in which I reply NO. I then say call your mom and she what she says, noing we talked about this and she would reply no. Boy was I wrong. I then send my wife a text saying WTF are you serious. Replies back, she won't see him until November and his parents are going to be home. Are you serious. Really pissed right now.


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## hardtime

She just sent me a text asking me to accept something called LIFE360. It is a mobile phone tracker. Like at this point in our situation, I really care where she is. Our maybe she thinks I am cheating on her. Sorry, will never stoop that low with anyone I am involved with.


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## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> She just sent me a text asking me to accept something called LIFE360. It is a mobile phone tracker. Like at this point in our situation, I really care where she is. Our maybe she thinks I am cheating on her. Sorry, will never stoop that low with anyone I am involved with.


Looks like an app for your phone to track your family members including her I assume. Didn't see that coming . Of course it tracks the phone so I guess a person could just leave it behind and go somewhere else. Is this a piece offering? Negotiate for his name if comes to that.

Or maybe she wants to keep track of you so you won't be sneaking up on her.


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## the guy

chap, That is a very interesting spin. Track the tracker!!!!!


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## hardtime

the guy said:


> chap, That is a very interesting spin. Track the tracker!!!!!


never thought of that. maybe i should accept and then slip in her car before she leaves next time


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## the guy

The reality of it all, at least in my case, my WW was and is still worried about me having a revenge affair. I hear this is typical for waywards.
I believe the same goes for Mrs.hardtime.

Its seem cheater think if there doing it then there spouse will to, how wrong they are....at least in my case!


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## joe kidd

the guy said:


> The reality of it all, at least in my case, my WW was and is still worried about me having a revenge affair. I hear this is typical for waywards.
> I believe the same goes for Mrs.hardtime.
> 
> Its seem cheater think if there doing it then there spouse will to, how wrong they are....at least in my case!


Well I can say from experience that revenge affairs just cause more trouble.


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## the guy

I have heard that time and time again here at TAM, man I would love to but I know better thanks to folks like you.

Besides the added trouble, the guilt alone is not worth it.


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## joe kidd

the guy said:


> I have heard that time and time again here at TAM, man I would love to but I know better thanks to folks like you.
> 
> Besides the added trouble, the guilt alone is not worth it.


I hate myself for it. I was weak and betrayed everything I held to be true in this world. People say well she started it , but I should have been above that crap.


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## hardtime

I agree with the guy


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## hardtime

Day 6 of seperation. Her 2nd day. No calls from her to tell kids goodnight. I had to call 2 times a day to talk to them. But she says that her kids are #1. Looks like it to me. 2 1/2 year old asked this morning, where's mommy?" Breaks my heart that he doesn't know why mom and dad are not home together when he goes to bed and wakes up.


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## Lazarus

Shaggy's right. She's still in the affair. She's playing you real good.

Shock treatment as suggested above is needed. 

OM or You and then react with full might. Blow this elusion, her fantasy right out of the water. It's the only way. The more you allow the affair to go on the worse it will be. 

Read "Let em go"


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## Shaggy

Hardtime, you unfortunately know why she didn't call. It's the OM. Her moving out has only enabled her to more easily carry it on.

Are you going to stay string and get the attorney going next week? if you back down at this point she will know you won't have the spine to see the battle through.

It's time to make her continuing affair very unhappy.

Hire a PI to find the OM, now that she is free to see him the PI should be able to find the two of them together and find out who the OM is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lazarus

Get as much evidence as you can. Her and the OM. Keep a journal too.


----------



## hardtime

I am going to get papers on Tuesday. Will fill them out, make a copy. Should I leave a copy out where she can find it or not?
At this point, I don't no if I even care about OM. Still love my wife, but losing feelings rapidly. I will try to find out who he is though.


----------



## turnera

NO, your next step is to call her parents and siblings and tell them she's cheating on you. Call OM's wife and parents and tell them what he's doing. Tell your pastor if you have one. Then step back and wait.


----------



## turnera

Oh, and go to the bank and shut down the accounts so she can't withdraw money.


----------



## the guy

Many here believe to hold your cards close and don't reveal your game plan. It makes sence if she is continuing her affair. Have you already told her you were getting the papers?
If so, then leave it at that and let her make her own choice. will you quitly protect your self. Again she was already warned, right?

Its easy to start to feel indifferent b/c your getting tired of her BS, but stay strong. 
Please make this affiar as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible, by getting the information you need and to expose this. Your kids are depending on you to fight this.

Make no misstake do not begg for the marriage but do the foot work to expose this A and distance your self, and give her a taste of reality when you move on b/c she may have made the choice to move on with out you.


----------



## hardtime

I did tell her that I was going to file, and I tend to agree with you the guy. Thanks


----------



## the guy

Well three day are about up.
How's the contact been this week end with OM and your W?
Remember don't reveal your sorce when you confront her for the 2nd time tomorow.


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## hardtime

Not sure what u mean guy. I havent talked to her at all. Except my dissapointment with her on the stepdaughter thing. OM will not answer phone, tried about 50 times. He's probably used to it going off by now


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## turnera

Or...you could take my advice and expose the affair and try to stop it, so that you could get your wife back.


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## hardtime

Thanks Turnera, I think I will contact her parents.


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## hardtime

How long will this fog of hers last? I know every person is different, but as a general idea of how long.


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## Shamwow

hardtime said:


> problem is i dont know who he is, and will not answer is cell phone. I don't want my number reported for harrasment. Any ideas on how to find out who he is without doing it illegaly


Intelius dot com. 5 bucks and they'll give you a name (and sometimes address) for any number, esp cell phone. It was invaluable to me.

Good luck man, feel for ya.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

There is no general idea, it depend how deep she is connected to OM.
If she is not willing to NC the OM then you can make this affair and as uncomfortable as possibly.

Yes exposing this A to her Mom is a start 

Put you can also expose it to the OM side.

In addition cutting off finacial support in preventing using your money to continue with the A.

The point to this goes back to your question, getting her out of the fog depends on #1 NC, but getting the NC by making it no worth the effort to continue with the A b/c of all the drama.

In addition to this exposure, finacially speaking you can get her out of the fog by showing your W the reality of a finacial burden when you leave b/c she continues to have an A.

This also applies to emotionally detaching from her, giving he a taste of what it will be like when have moved on. Until she decides to NC and validate it with proof, you remove these supports in the hope that the affair fog is all fantasy and there is a reality to it all if she continues....

Affair fog is the key word here, in short the sooner she see the reality of it all you hope the connection is weak enough to break from OM and she see it is in her best interest to work on her marriage. 


Bottom line there is no for sure way to say how long the fog will last b/c you do not know how deep her feelings for OM are. BUT you can push it along by making it difficult to continue.

Bewarned this could push her further away, but at this point do you really want to share your wife? As long as you have a confident mind set in "just letting her go" there is a good chance that she will see a real possiblity of you leaving.

When you start to play hard ball be prepared to be labeled vandictive and controlling, counter these measure with the pure fact that #1 you will not tolorate her unhealthy choices and #2 you are protecting your self from further pain by take the action that you need to take. 

She has the choice to continue with the A or recommit to you, but you will not support the A and you will continue to ask others for support.


----------



## hardtime

Thank you. I am prepared for the worst outcome. But still wanting to work things out for me, her and the kids. I hate to do this to the kids.


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## hardtime

intellius didn't come back with anything other than cell carrier and general location. Tried to call carrier, they can not give that info without supenoa. Will continue with efforts to find out.


----------



## the guy

You will be showing them a good example of standing up for ones self and what it is to be an alpha male. they may not understand the why, but they will se how a father can be calm and in control, so don't feel sorry for them, feel sorry for your wifes choices and the consequences she will now have to face if she contiues.

I know you still want to work this out,BUT DON'T LET HER KNOW THAT" 

The perseption is everythting. she has to really bealieve you will quit this marraige. Show her a different emotion that you normally wouldn't when the two of you are in conflict, she has to see that something is different about you this time, get it?


----------



## Shamwow

hardtime said:


> intellius didn't come back with anything other than cell carrier and general location. Tried to call carrier, they can not give that info without supenoa. Will continue with efforts to find out.


Sorry man, I had 9 of 10 numbers I tried come back with info there. The other one was like you described. Bummer.

Maybe try calling from a diff number? Perhaps a phone at her work?? He might answer then.

Or from her phone next time you see her? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Now that Sham has brought up the subject of getting info about OM, it may be best to do some more evidence gathering before another confrontation. This way if it does go south and she pulls the "confused" card or the "just friend" card you will be more prepared to #1 talk specific about the A by using some personal stuff you gathered #2 you will be prepared to expose before it goes deep.


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## hardtime

Thank you both. Will follow your advice. May go buy a prepaid phone and try that way, but will wait a couple of days. She should be comming home soon. Will see if anything is dif or she acts the same after our long talk Friday about divorce if she doesn't comply to NC and counseling. Probably not, but one can hope. 
Thanks to all have replied. It really is helping me to go through this knowing I have an outlet to talk freely and people will listen and respond.


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## Almostrecovered

The fact that it comes back with no info may indicate it is a burner phone and was bought just for the affair (or he may even have more than just your wife)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Do you have a friend you can pay to follow them? Get his address?

btw, just telling her mother is NOT going to end the affair. You need to tell her siblings, her father, her aunts and uncles if they are close, AND her best friend. And, if they work together, their bosses and their HR department. It needs to be a huge exposure, all in one day, so she (hopefully) has about 5 or 10 people calling her all in one or two days, like a shock feature. That way, it's like, WTH, why is everyone calling me? What am I going to do? At least, that's what you hope for. And even if they don't call her, just letting her KNOW that they all know she's committing adultery can sometimes be all it takes.


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## hardtime

sounds good turnera, 
I sure did put a load of reality on her when she got home tonight. Told her that their is not enough money in checking acct to pay for a loan that is due in the morning. She can't understand why their is no money left out of my check from Thursday. She said "you must be hiding money, nice". I replied, follow the checking account and you will see where it all went. I am tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul, just to make her happy. Told her that it has been this way for the last 2 years (which is what she told me was the problem with our marriage the last 2 years-from early in thread. She must have texted me 5 times in 10 mins about not understanding where the money went. I am not hidding money, just tired of not paying all the bills on my own. I am not the one who spent over 2000 on face and hair in the last year. But I guess her money is her money and my money is our money. This will come to an end this week when I open an acct with my name only and only put enough money in mutuaol acct to cover auto deducted payments. NO monre gas money and fun money for her.


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## turnera

She needs you to be strong now, and unmoving.


----------



## the guy

The reality is coming, she just doesn't see it yet. stay focused on why you are doing this, she will try to manage you back to the old Hardtime.
No begging and with confidence she will see the new man. Do this for you not for her. The old you would have submitted to the finacial demand she made. The new you is preparing for the worse. Waiting for the commitment from her, and validated by you, that will chang your direction. It is in her court to change this direction by commiting to a NC.


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## hardtime

I am going to see the course through. I will not return to old hardtime. No matter what happens, I will get through this with all the help you all are giving me.
Can't say thanks enough.


----------



## hardtime

Well I think the end is near. She called me when I was at doctors office for my STD check. Told her I couldn't talk but to call me later if she had something important to talk about. She called and started to ream me out about telling the 17yr old that I was upset with her mom for letting her spend night at boyfriends house. She doesn't think it was a bid deal since she talked to the BF mom. It then took a real bad turn to finances and me playing games with our money. I am being immature about this hole thing, etc, etc, etc. I replied then lets just start the paper work. Threatens me with you keep playing games and I will be sorry. I think she meant "Our son". 

Her reply to my STD check was "Real mature, I don't have any so why would you". I replied you never told me anything about the A so how am I to know I don't. Just piece of mind for myself. Can't wait till the lab at her work sees my screen come through. She used to work in that dept. and I am sure the rumors will start to fly. Probabaly that I was the cheater. At this point I don't care. Just getting ready for the worst. I am ok with that. Just saddens me she doesn't care about 10 years and 3 kids.


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## turnera

Have you exposed yet?


----------



## the guy

You did good, stay calm and continue to tell her "due to the affair, I'm just protecting my self, and until she can commit to the NC with OM it will continue".

I suggest you do not engage her other then repeating this statement each time it is requeired.

My point is when you must ingage her the bring up the fact that it is the A that is causeing all this, for instance [her] "You'll be sorry" [hartime] I'm already sorry that you are in an affair".

I'm thinking that the continued renforcement that everything that you are doing is b/c she continues the A and will not NC.


Just remember to stay calm and think what the old hardtime would do/say and think about what the new hardtime will do and say. As she continue to get frusterated and attempts to push your buttons, you will be in a continous test with your 180 so if all else fails walk away or avoid a response, 

And remember the only "game" being played is you as she continues her A. Do not wavier until she can commit to a NC and it can be verified.


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## hardtime

Yes A is exposed


----------



## hardtime

Is their someplace to read about the 180? I just want to make sure I do everything I need to to be committed to the 180, don't want to leave anything out.


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## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> Is their someplace to read about the 180? I just want to make sure I do everything I need to to be committed to the 180, don't want to leave anything out.


Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

try this , good luck


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## hardtime

thanks


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## turnera

hardtime said:


> Yes A is exposed


To whom? Exactly?


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## hardtime

mother, father and stepmother, hr dept., supervisor, sister


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## turnera

You exposed in July. Do they know she is still cheating?


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## hardtime

Have no proof of PA, but no EA is still there as do they.


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## hardtime

Goiong home tom, and she says she can't continue seperation during work days. Inconvenient for her I guess. Maybe she doesn't like it. Not sure how to deal with that. Will take it minue by minute, but know it is probably better if we are both in house with the kids at the same time. Maybe we can deal with some of the issues between us and move forward. Not holding my breathe, but can hope for the best.


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## turnera

Whatever you do, don't move out. IF she's so unhappy, SHE can leave. But the kids stay at the house. Period. Do NOT negotiate.


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## Shaggy

My prediction she will try to use this to get alternating free weekends for herself so she can be with the OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardtime

I have made up my mind that if she can't hold up her end of the seperation, I will no longer hold up mine. Will see where this journey is going to take me. 

I get to see my kids tonight. Excited!!!


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## morituri

hardtime said:


> I have made up my mind that if she can't hold up her end of the seperation, I will no longer hold up mine. Will see where this journey is going to take me.


What exactly do you mean?


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## hardtime

I will no longer leave for my 3 days.


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## turnera

You should never have left at all.


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## hardtime

I know that now.


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## hardtime

Well, had to go to a basketball game for the youngest step daughter last night. Wife road with me. Didn't go to bad. Talked a little about our situation. She finaly did say that she doesn't want it to move towards divorce as of right now. Probably stringing me along, but I don't know. Atleast it is a sign of maybe starting to come out of fog.


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## morituri

It MAY be a sign that she still has some emotional investment in you. Nevertheless you must be steadfast that you need complete and willing transparency from her as well as going to marriage counseling to address issues that may pertain to your marriage such as resentment, conflict avoidance, secrecy, dishonesty, disrespect etc. which may have contributed to making her affair possible. She has to prove through her *actions* that she means what she says and says what she means. Anything else is lip service.


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## turnera

hardtime said:


> Well, had to go to a basketball game for the youngest step daughter last night. Wife road with me. Didn't go to bad. Talked a little about our situation. She finaly did say that she doesn't want it to move towards divorce as of right now. Probably stringing me along, but I don't know. Atleast it is a sign of maybe starting to come out of fog.


 Is she still seeing OM?


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## hardtime

No, and no sign that I can see. I just want it to work out. But don't want to get hurt again. What should my next steps be? Am at a loss on how to digest everything.


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## turnera

Best thing to do is solidify in your mind what you want in a marriage. Write it down. List it. Choose those things you will NOT waver on - honesty, transparency, respect, not yelling or calling you names or putting you down, etc.

Each time an issue comes up, compare it to your list. If it's going against your principles, STATE it to her and say I won't stay married to someone who does ABC to me, and leave the room. Let her guess on whether you're going to file or not. Stay strong and silent. If she makes moves to make it up to you, let her, but do NOT bend on your principles. Let her see this new you, and let her come to you. If she doesn't, proceed with a separation (in which you fight for custody).


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## timespent

hardtime said:


> Well, had to go to a basketball game for the youngest step daughter last night. Wife road with me. Didn't go to bad. Talked a little about our situation. She finaly did say that she doesn't want it to move towards divorce as of right now. Probably stringing me along, but I don't know. Atleast it is a sign of maybe starting to come out of fog.


Make sure that she is being real about the whole picture of things. She may have seconds thoughts due to the children, money etc but make sure that she may want to reconcile due to those reasons and not the reasons that she needs to. My personal opinion is that once a cheater always a cheater. Look out for yourself then your children.


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## the guy

IMHO. You have made the choice to leave, if any one needs to digest anything its your W. In the simple fact she too needs to make some changes to keep you around.

I think your just feeling the uncertainty of the amount of time you will let her continue with her secrets or until you see her change or you have to move on? Limbo if you will............


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## hardtime

You are exactly right the guy. I just dont know how long I can do it. Feeling realy alone right now.


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## turnera

Call up some friends. Go have a beer and watch a game.


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## hardtime

Watching game right now. Home with the kids. 2 daughters hardly even talk to me when I am home, and 2 year old son seems to be the only one that wants anything to do with me. 2 daughters I believe are devastated about all this.


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## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> Watching game right now. Home with the kids. 2 daughters hardly even talk to me when I am home, and 2 year old son seems to be the only one that wants anything to do with me. 2 daughters I believe are devastated about all this.




Are daughters blaming you?


----------



## hardtime

No, but they seem to be comfortable with their mother. I guess be she is true blood. I don't know, and everytime I try to talk to them they kind of go into a shell. I do tell them that no matter what happens, I will always love them and be there for them.


----------



## the guy

Go take them all out for some ice cream, start doing some of the things that "say family". Start doing these things with out your W.

Really, now is the time to spend as much time as you can with the kids. 

It may not mean a hill of beans to your W, but then again................

Maybe she would see what she is missing, or she is might see a new hardtime. I guess I'm just think about changing up a bit.


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## timespent

Hang in there. Daughters are usually closer with their mom anyway but they will come around. Enjoy your time with your son.


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## turnera

Your daughters NEED you to stop being a typical dad letting mom 'run' them, and start interacting in their lives. Get off the couch and take them all for a walk. Go on a picnic in the back yard. Search for bugs. Read them a book. Play a board game with them. Let them dress you up. This is on YOU to get a relationship with them.


----------



## morituri

turnera said:


> Let them dress you up.


:scratchhead:


----------



## turnera

morituri said:


> :scratchhead:


What, you never had daughters dress you up for a tea party?


----------



## morituri

turnera said:


> What, you never had daughters dress you up for a tea party?


Oh I have two daughters - grown up now - but I never played the 'let's dress up daddy like a girl' for tea party. I played the monster - I put on a Halloween mask - who chased them down the hall and made them giggle when they got caught. And I also played Mr Horse as they rode on my back while I walked on all fours. My poor eardrums never recovered from those girlish shrieks of joy.

I doubt that hardtime's teenage daughters will want to play tea party with him.


----------



## the guy

T-
Come on, really?
I did how ever let my daughter drive the trackor at work.


----------



## Atholk

turnera said:


> What, you never had daughters dress you up for a tea party?


You actually suggested he play dress up with his 12 year old and 17 year old step-daughters in the middle of a probable divorce?

Um....


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## morituri

Ok guys let's stop messin' with poor Turnera.

Turnera is right in that hardtime should engage his step-daughters in activities so that they can see that he will always be a part of their lives no matter what the outcome of the marriage. Since they are now young ladies, he can take them to their favorite restaurants and to their favorite stores for shopping - yes I know it is not the most pleasant experience for a man to go shopping with women but they love it. 

As a father of two daughters, I cannot emphasize how important it is for a father to give his girls emotional support. Compliments - "I'm so proud of your achievements"; Compassion - actively listening to their problems and emotion matching to connect with them; and Reassurance - "I will always be available when you need me". 

Hardtime, you have an emotional connection and relationship with your step-daughters, they need you more than you can ever imagine.


----------



## turnera

I was joking, guys. Good grief. He makes it sound like he has no connection with his girls and thus, I was making a point that that connection is in HIS control.


----------



## hardtime

I do have a connection with my girls, but at this point, I am affraid to talk to them because their mother asks them what they talk to me about. A couple of times that I have talked to them about this situation, it got back to the wife and she makes me feel like I shouldn't talk to them about this. I believe she told them that it is none of their business and I think that is why they are not comfortable arounf me. I have told them over and over that no matter what happens I will always love them and be there for them. I know that if a divorce happens that I have no say what happens to them. Just reconform to them that I WILL be there for them, no matter what they need or do.

Having a really bad night. Emotions are all over the board. Just want to curl up and cry. I know that will not take away what I am feeling, but sounds like a good thing to do.


----------



## turnera

Look, I know you're scared. Understandable. But your girls need you to LEAD your family and them. BE their father, regardless of what their mother is doing. They're depending on you. My dad bailed on me and ruined me for life. Don't do that to your daughters.


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## hardtime

I don't want to bail, but don't know if I can deal with the no love or emotion from W.


----------



## Shaggy

Has she ended contact with the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Start doing the 180 degree rules so that you can become emotionally strong for your sake and that of your children.

*1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.*
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
*11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.*
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
*14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.*
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
*17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.*
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
*21. Never lose your cool.*
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
*23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).*
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
*26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.*
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
*30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.*
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
*32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.*
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


----------



## F-102

hardtime said:


> I do have a connection with my girls, but at this point, I am affraid to talk to them because their mother asks them what they talk to me about. A couple of times that I have talked to them about this situation, it got back to the wife and she makes me feel like I shouldn't talk to them about this. I believe she told them that it is none of their business and I think that is why they are not comfortable arounf me. I have told them over and over that no matter what happens I will always love them and be there for them. I know that if a divorce happens that I have no say what happens to them. Just reconform to them that I WILL be there for them, no matter what they need or do.
> 
> Having a really bad night. Emotions are all over the board. Just want to curl up and cry. I know that will not take away what I am feeling, but sounds like a good thing to do.


If it's happening in your daughters' family, it damn well IS their business.

Mommy Dearest just doesn't want them finding out the REAL reason that the M is in trouble.


----------



## Cathy Milano

Hello Hardtime...
I just joined so I am sorry to suggest this to you at this point, but it is a good source of direction and strength. Ask your therapist about this book: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie It is actually a book for alcoholic relationships but definitely help others as well. It will (at least it did for me) help get you on the road to living your life without clouding your vision by others ((your W.)).

The other thing is not only tell the girls that you will be there for them, but let them know that if they have any questions to feel free to ask you, whether or not their mother says anything to them or not, if they have questions as a parent you can give answers.

Remember at 18, the girls can choose to live with you, if you are looking forward for that choice. Your W needs help, she is looking for herself and seems to have done the non-commitment before.

I truly wish you all the best.


----------



## turnera

Do not leave your house. If she wants out so bad, SHE can leave - without the kids, and pay for it herself. Show her what 'freedom' looks like.

Oh, and do NOT feel guilty for telling your daughters the truth. They are old enough to understand what's going on and they deserve the truth, not some made up 'we're not happy' bullcrap. Kids their age NEED to hear the truth.


----------



## hardtime

No transparency, I believe they are still texting each other. When I confronted her about the texts 2 weeks ago, she said that they only are talking. I told her that it doesn't matter and hat she needs to quit. So as NC, I don't think that happened. Just about to my ropes end. Can not try to fix if she can't quit texting OM. I cant compete if she only tells OM her feelings. I asked her to tell me and I would listen, but no such thing has taken place yet. 

Turnera, I do these things with my daughters now, just seems like they don't want to end up in middle. I don't blame them. Just think that they want to stick with true blood. Even though I have done way more for them in their lives then their mom has. Ex, fishing trips (just daughters and I) camping, shopping, money for movies, skating, etc. Just getting real hard to keep going. Will apply all 180 list and see where that goes.


----------



## morituri

A word of caution with regarding the 180 degree rules. It is NOT a tool to manipulate your unfaithful wife to end her affair and committ to reconciliation. It IS a tool to help the betrayed spouse, you, to become emotionally strong to the point where you will be able to move on with your life, with or without your wife. 

Now in the cases where an unfaithful spouse is undecided, fence sitting, the 180 has an interesting 'side effect'. When the betrayed spouse starts emotionally detaching from his/her unfaithful spouse and showing signs of moving on with his/her life, the unfaithful spouse often expresses a desire to 'work on the marriage'. But this is only in certain cases and it is nothing but a side effect.

No matter what the outcome of the marriage, the betrayed spouse ends up emotionally strong and closer to being healed from the ordeal.


----------



## Jellybeans

No transparency, she's till texting OM, she's still having an affair, she refuses to end contact with OM.

Do the same, you will get the same.

She is showing you over and over that you are not her priority and neither is your marriage.


----------



## turnera

Maybe it is time to end it then; at least for now. So she can see what her 'freedom' will look like. Let HIM meet all her needs.

Does she pay for her own phone?


----------



## hardtime

No, she does not pay for her own phone. But I think that needs to change. 
As far as the 180, we will see where that goes. I know it is more for me than the marriage, but if it makes her think about it, then thats ok. 
I am notsure at this time, that I can get over all that has happened, but can only try if she wants to. See what happens.

Interseting thing happened tonight. Step daughter has a basketball game, and the W showed up after I was already there and started talking about things that happened at work (first time since this all started) and sudenly stopped and said "You are not wearing your wed ring". I replied "Havent for the lsat 3 weeks". She then said I guess I will take mine off then. Can't wait for the phone call/text tomorrow. My reply will be "when u can act like a married women than I will put it back on"

Having a better night than last night.


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## Jellybeans

So what are your boundaries and consequences for the ongoing affair? Because it doesn't sound like you have any.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I was just thinking the same thing. We usually advise that you do not allow the cheater to carry on the affair on YOUR dime. Tell her that since she is using her phone to carry on her infidelity, you are canceling it this weekend. Give her a couple days to set up her own. If she's driving the car you're paying for to go see OM, tell her you're going to sell it and she can buy her own - and WHY.

Time to man up.


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## hardtime

She sent a text after bball game last night saying "I didn't relize we were officaly seprated, thanks for clarifying that!!!" I replied "When u start acting like a marriade women, then I will put it back on." As far as boundries, I am going to tell her again that NC is a must or I am finished. Already have a lawyer ready to go.


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## hardtime

Next text is " I gues I really know where u are at"

"I find it amazing that u have managed to push me away further and further and that the are no more suprises with you, sorry it has come to this."

I replied "I feel like you pushed me away by not agreeing to NC, just dont feel like you want to work on us"

Her reply "Probably because u manage to do things that push me away and I'm tired...u just made it very very clear by taking your ring off... very ballsy move but choice u made"

I think she finally gets it. I am willing to move on.


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## morituri

You to her: _*"Since I'm such a failure as a husband and a man, more the reason for me not to wear it and leave you so you can be happy with OM. Goodbye"*_


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## F-102

And once again, it was all HIS fault.


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## Almostrecovered

hardtime said:


> Next text is " I gues I really know where u are at"
> 
> "I find it amazing that u have managed to push me away further and further and that the are no more suprises with you, sorry it has come to this."
> 
> I replied "I feel like you pushed me away by not agreeing to NC, just dont feel like you want to work on us"
> 
> Her reply "Probably because u manage to do things that push me away and I'm tired...u just made it very very clear by taking your ring off... very ballsy move but choice u made"
> 
> I think she finally gets it. I am willing to move on.


and I hope that you get it too- that this all the same bullsh!t blameshifting as per usual and you are not the one to blame.


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## hardtime

I get it. I am just running out of patients with her. Thanks Almostrecoverd. Cant wait to hear therest of your journey.


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## turnera

You'll do better to refrain from getting into these little exchanges, because they give HER more power than YOU. And you have no idea if she is going to turn into Divorce Monster and turn things against you.

Just memorize one line and keep repeating it, every time she contacts you (and she will): "I will not share my wife with another man."


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## morituri

hardtime, I hope that you realized that I was being facetious and sarcastic with my last post regarding your possible reply to your wife's blame shifting texts. 

You are responsible for your share of the marital problems but your wife is solely responsible for her affair.


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## hardtime

Yes I am, thanks lol


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## turnera

Has she continued to text you?


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## Locard

How bout "I'm not for open marriages"


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## the guy

How about we all pick up hardtime and put him on our shoulders. He has struggled and it is now at a point were he can be confident and strong knowing that his WW will soon see the tough reality of her BS and he can move on..

hardtime,
What kind of damage control are you doing? According to the script she will be rewrighting history. So I hope you are exposing? With evidence!!!!!!!

As you can see her blame shifting will not stop with just you, she will spread her lies to everyone. 

Please start doing your own damage control now.

Remember, to avoid being vandictive you should ask people for there support in the marriage, Letting them know there is another man influencing the dynamics of the marriage and that they can help in any way they can to help you and your wife in repairing the marriage.


The last thing you want to do is say " she's screwing around and I hate her" but if you take the approach that you want support for the M then you will look like the good guy.

Keep up the difficult and hard work in pouring the reality on your wife. As you can see she is deep in the fog and will do and say anything other then the truth of it all (her affair)

Keep pushing her, right now the prize is NC nothing matters until she can stop being influence by the OM. So keeping making this affair as uncomfortable as possible.

It may seem like your pushing her into the OM arms, but buddy she was already there. Now you are standing up for your self and the only thing now that W needs to hear is " I will not share my wife with another man" the choice is all hers.

There is no hardball there is no pushing her away. There is only you and what you want out of a healthy marriage and what you will tolorate to achieve that. It is not a game it is fact that you are prepared to move on with out her until she NC.

Be warned do not engage her b~llsh~t its all a fog, its pointless until she is no longer influenced by the OM.


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## hardtime

turnera said:


> Has she continued to text you?


Just to ask if she drop off step daughter at my work for dentist appt in morning


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## hardtime

:iagree:


Locard said:


> How bout "I'm not for open marriages"


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## hardtime

the guy said:


> How about we all pick up hardtime and put him on our shoulders. He has struggled and it is now at a point were he can be confident and strong knowing that his WW will soon see the tough reality of her BS and he can move on..
> 
> hardtime,
> What kind of damage control are you doing? According to the script she will be rewrighting history. So I hope you are exposing? With evidence!!!!!!!
> 
> As you can see her blame shifting will not stop with just you, she will spread her lies to everyone.
> 
> Please start doing your own damage control now.
> 
> Remember, to avoid being vandictive you should ask people for there support in the marriage, Letting them know there is another man influencing the dynamics of the marriage and that they can help in any way they can to help you and your wife in repairing the marriage.
> 
> 
> The last thing you want to do is say " she's screwing around and I hate her" but if you take the approach that you want support for the M then you will look like the good guy.
> 
> Keep up the difficult and hard work in pouring the reality on your wife. As you can see she is deep in the fog and will do and say anything other then the truth of it all (her affair)
> 
> Keep pushing her, right now the prize is NC nothing matters until she can stop being influence by the OM. So keeping making this affair as uncomfortable as possible.
> 
> It may seem like your pushing her into the OM arms, but buddy she was already there. Now you are standing up for your self and the only thing now that W needs to hear is " I will not share my wife with another man" the choice is all hers.
> 
> There is no hardball there is no pushing her away. There is only you and what you want out of a healthy marriage and what you will tolorate to achieve that. It is not a game it is fact that you are prepared to move on with out her until she NC.
> 
> Be warned do not engage her b~llsh~t its all a fog, its pointless until she is no longer influenced by the OM.


I have talked to a few of her co workers about it. I have never said that I hate her to anyone. Hate is such a strong word. OM is getting lazy, called his cell again, and he actualy answered, but then relized he did not know who it was and hung up. Will keep striving to get his name so that I can contact OMW


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## the guy

My point was more in the lines of making your self look like the good guy, b/c soon your wife will be doing everything she can to make you out to be the one that is ruining the marriage. 

It was just an example in how not to look versus letting poeple you expose this to see that you aren't this controlling Jealous husband that won't let his wife have "friends". But a man that loves his wife and until she stops seeing the OM then you are moving on.

That was the point I was trying to make, and yes "hate" is a strong word.


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## turnera

It's called spinning. They 'spin' THEIR version of why they had to cheat. It will include that you were abusive, ignored her, cheated first, told her to go F herself, or some such horrible thing that gave her no choice but to seek solace in the arms of someone who could 'understand' her.


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## hardtime

the guy said:


> My point was more in the lines of making your self look like the good guy, b/c soon your wife will be doing everything she can to make you out to be the one that is ruining the marriage.
> 
> It was just an example in how not to look versus letting poeple you expose this to see that you aren't this controlling Jealous husband that won't let his wife have "friends". But a man that loves his wife and until she stops seeing the OM then you are moving on.
> 
> That was the point I was trying to make, and yes "hate" is a strong word.


No I understood what you were saying. And I have never been a controlling type. I do understand what you are telling me and I thank you for your advice and everyones elses too.


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## hardtime

turnera said:


> It's called spinning. They 'spin' THEIR version of why they had to cheat. It will include that you were abusive, ignored her, cheated first, told her to go F herself, or some such horrible thing that gave her no choice but to seek solace in the arms of someone who could 'understand' her.


You hit the nail right on the head. I was told that I didn't listen to her and that he understood her. I no longer accept any responsablity for the affair. At first I did, but this forum has helped me understand that it was her choice. Yes we didn't have a perfect marriage, but it takes two to communicate. For which I take 50% blame.


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## morituri

Oh he listened to her alright, enough so he could get inside her pants.


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## turnera

You know, my DH has always been honest with me, and he's let me into the mind of a guy. Guys have one thing in mind: sex. If every guy could have sex as much as he wants without getting in trouble, chances are 95% of them WOULD. Even married guys who think they're good, given a chance, thinking even their wife wouldn't mind, would go for more and varied sex. Men want sex. Women forget that at their own (and their marriage's) peril.


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## morituri

If most OM knew that the married woman they were trying to seduce would not have sex with them, the vast majority of them would disappear overnight. Female infidelity would simply not be possible.

Sex is the currency of an affair.


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## hardtime

Would just like to thank everyone for your support. I am now moving to Considering Divorce forum. Thanks again to all.


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