# Giving yourself a timeframe to reconcile: thoughts?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have been spending a lot of time contemplating this last few days. I seem to go in cycles of feeling great about the now and the future, for a few days, then to thinking "do I love him?" and if I can stay knowing how he acted, how he lied during his EA. It's pretty much exhausting me emotionally.

I think a massive worry of mine right now is that I am being taken for a fool. I worry that on some level, although he knows he did wrong, that he got out of it amazingly easily. He is doing what I ask of him. I do feel he is lacking in putting in the groundwork to ensure this doesn't happen again, although he is aware "behaviorally" of what he would and wouldn't do if a similar situation arose. His claimed naivety that he didn't foresee the OW's motives worries me: either he's lying (he knew she had the hots for him but said he didn't see what she was doing engineering situations for them to be alone etc) or he is genuinely stupid!

Anyhow, I could discuss the finer points for ever and ever, but I have all the knowledge I'm gonna get of how/what/why it happened, so I need to deal with *that.* Being in flux is messing with my head so I have decided the following:

I originally gave myself the idea of using a timeframe after I found out, within which I would go for R with him, attend MC, and see how we could work at things. I would give it my all, without giving him any backlash but looking at the now and the future, and see how he acted and responded to mending the damage done.

I figured roughly six months, which from when I found out, would take us to somewhere around November time. I did realise a short while ago how previously I have made decisions on the crest of a wave of emotion and I feel giving myself, him and our marriage time to recuperate and heal is the wisest option (act rather than react.) I figure as that time approaches, I will feel surer of what I want to do.

Any thoughts? How have other people approached reconciliation? Has anyone else given themselves a deadline, a timeframe? What about committing to R whatever? Is a timeframe a good idea?

Any feedback from those who either are there or who have been there would be very much appreciated!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You say you feel he is lacking in putting in the groundwork/effort... 

What do you feel he should be doing in order to attain that? Find the answer & share it with him. Also, tell him you think he's coming up short with that.

As for feeling like a fool--I think everyone does who gets cheated on. It's a normal reaction. 

Re: a timeframe. That is a personal choice, for having one, for how long, etc. Do you feel you want to have a timeframe? And at the end, how will you decide how to push forward or to stop? 

I can't give you advice as someone who reconciled because I ended up divorcing but a lot of people do stay married after infidelity.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My now exH left me in 2003 for ow. In 2005 he came back, asked for another chance, said he was sorry, da da da da da...I took him back, we went to MC and in time it seemed as if things got better. I waited for him for those 2 years. Even though he was heavily involved with that ow. He was living with her but I still waited. Now fast forward to 2010, he cheated again and with more than one woman. At first I went into panic mode and wanted to save the marriage but then one day I had an awakening where I realized my H was a lost cause. To try to save this marriage would be as useful as using a straw to eat a cheeseburger with. It just wasnt going to work. I filed papers and we divorced on June 6, 2011. Ive no regrets. 

Far as time frames go, that's up to you and how long you are willing to wait. I waited 2 years the first time and probably wold have waited longer, but the second time around, I was done. How long you wait depends on many things such as progress made and the communication between both of you.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

A time frame is ok, just examine how the progress is going and don't get hung up by it. If actions don't match words and you find yourself feeling like it's not going anywhere, be vocal and let your spouse know your will to continue is fast expiring. Don't hold your time frame or date as cast in stone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

walkingwounded, 

Im into 6 week from learning of my husband infidelity. The worst stage of life my marriage has suffered so far. I vacillate daily!

To try to get thru this mess, my WH and I agreed to 1yr to work out our issues, as I am one who is dragging their feet. We agreed that even though there will be heated arguments through out the year, by agreeing we both know neither will abandon each other during this crucial time in our life and marriage. 

I would have never believe the effects of infidelity until it happened to me. Not only do I feel foolish,but my whole perception of myself, and everything around me looks so different. If the WS choose to have an affair was view as a walk up call towards the relationship, I'm not sure many were prepared to deal with the fallout from their actions.

Do I think my h got off easy. You bet !!! At this point in time, I'm uncertain he is worthily of my love, nor do I think I want to share me, and my love with him again,long term. It's not that I don't trust he'll return to his behavior, it's I don't feel safe in the marriage together anymore. I don't even like looking at him...

So walkingwounded, you're not alone....

~sammy


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> walkingwounded,
> 
> Im into 6 week from learning of my husband infidelity. The worst stage of life my marriage has suffered so far. I vacillate daily!
> 
> ...


Amen to that sammy! I said that to my WW. She was my safe place and now that is gone, maybe forever.


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## AnAvgDude (Jun 20, 2011)

Based on my experience, timeframe is not the key indicator, rather your ability to ever forgive is more pertinent. I gave my wife 2 years. Our marriage got better during this time, but I was not able to forgive her and was in pain about the affair daily. I gave it another 2 years (for a total of 4) and now found that I do not believe I can ever get over it, even though the marriage has steadily improved. Believing that I could never get over the pain, I have decided to leave.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

walkingwounded said:


> Any feedback from those who either are there or who have been there would be very much appreciated!


I purposefully never set time frames during our recovery. Difficult to do because I'm a time frame / benchmark kind of guy. I was glad I didn't because recovery was long, about 3.5 years. I was more concerned with steady progress and improvement. Had I said "I'll give it a year" I would have been disappointed in the results or have given up based on an arbitrary date I'd set. Recovering a marriage does not lend itself well to time frames IMHO. Benchmarks can be helpful however, even though I didn't rely on those either.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

From cheating? zero point zero seconds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

After about 6 weeks of waffling on my part, trying to decide whether I'd work toward R or just walk away and be done with it, I realized that she was working at it, but I really wasn't. In my mind I was doing my part just by being there and not leaving, which did not give her the chance to fulfill what I needed. 

So I gave my WW the letter I wrote telling her it was over and done with, we were divorcing. Then I burned it in the fireplace and told her we will re-evaluate whether I will give her that letter in 3 months time, right after labor day and our son's 7th birthday. 

No promises what would happen then, we would simply either keep the letter burnt for now, or I would print it out, perhaps updated, and we'd be done with it. If I see the progress I need and FEEL differently, like there's a path toward R and we're on it, we'll continue for another 3 months, to the holidays. I cannot continue doing day-by-day evaluations, so the timeframe thing gives me some mental rest and gives her a tidbit of comfort knowing I am not going to get up and walk out at any given moment. 

Of course that *could* and *will* happen should I find another lie. But I know R is impossible if I am not at least receptive to the effort, and I recognized that I needed to change that aspect, so the timeframe idea was my tool for doing so. I couldn't make a real commitment to much longer that 3 months before knowing I'd be re-assessing where we're at.


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