# My husband is addicted to work...



## singlewife

Hi.. If you asked me a year ago, if I would be looking for marital support 5 months in to my marriage, I would've laughed in your face; but I don't know what else to do. 

I've been married 5 months on the 12th, to a wonderful, amazing man, who I fell in love with the minute I met him. We have a beautiful home, and are talking about starting a family soon, there's only one problem... His career. I am incredibly proud of how hard he works to provide for us so that one day I don't have to work and can just be a mommy, but he is never home. Currently he's in Germany for a week after just getting home from Chicago for almost 2 weeks. 

From the first week I moved in with him, I have felt second best to work. I know he loves me from the bottom of his heart, but never as much as he loves his career. He aspires to run the place one day, which is great, but he has a home. 

I rarely ask him to do anything when he is home, I take care of everything. I clean, cook, do the laundry, grocery shop, on top of working 50+ hours a week myself. When he gets home from work, he changes clothes, and sits on the couch watching tv, and answering the usually nightly text, call or email from work. 

When I do ask him to do something, it only gets done after I wait a week and either have to nag him to do it, or start doing it myself when he intervenes. (Please bear in mind that the particular instance I am referring to was hanging a picture on a wall). Not to mention the lists that he makes for himself that don't get done, unless I micromanage our life and hold him accountable, be it change the light bulb on the front porch, mow the lawn, or empty the trash in the house. 

I feel incredibly taken for granted and I just don't know what to do. I am at an age where I am ready to have children. I am ready to have his children, but I'm scared that feeling like a single wife will only change to feeling like a single mother. 

Ive seen people say things like "Be cold and standoffish to them" so they can see what it feels like to be placed on the back burner and unimportant... I've tried that.. and all I get in return is either a) the table turned on me so that it somehow becomes my fault or b) a guilt trip saying why wouldn't I just want to enjoy the time we do have together instead of being upset. 

Even as I am typing this, Im sporadically texting with him, and telling him my research and that a lot of men say it takes a significant wake up call to change, he accuses me of threatening him. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I love him. I married him because I love him, but I didn't get married to have to go at life alone. 

Please help.


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## singlewife

Before anyone asks why I didn't just hang the picture myself, I should tell you, he's an engineer. Someone else hanging a picture on a wall is like watching a truck driver perform open heart surgery to him.


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## CallaLily

I have always found there is a certain sadness to people who work all the time and are never home. Reminds of that saying, "Never be so busy making a life, that you are not able to live it."

I think its wonderful and admirable that people work and provide so they can have this or that. Or so their spouse can stay home etc, but at what cost? My advise to you, do not have kids with him right now. Throwing that into the mix will not help a situation that is already shaky. It will not make him stay home more, and if anything you will just grow even more resentful of being home with the kids and him not helping. Some how you will need to get through to him on this. I have known many people who are married in name only, but they are really married to their career. There are some people out there who can not balance both.


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## singlewife

He also just was informed that 3 days in to his trip he neglected to tell me where he was staying, on another continent. When I asked him if he realized that he never told me his reply was "Hotel name, City" No sorry nothing, other than he simply forgot. Yet he has the audacity to tell me that he puts us first.


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## Jamison

Its not a marriage. Don't bring a child into this, it wont change things, it will make them worse.


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## Nomads

WOW, I thought I was the one who wrote the thread :scratchhead:. I'm in your situations since we residing abroad (Asia Pacific). My husband will travelling from Mon-Thurs/Friday and be home only during the weekend. Sometimes he travels 2 weeks to 2 different countries. I joining him sometimes, many times I refuse his request and prefer staying home.

Many times I remind him that he doesn't need to prove me anything as (he knows for sure, these are the reason he marry me), I'm a simple woman and not materialistic. Money never been my goal. I want/need happiness, healthy and respect. He knows, 1 star hotel will make me happy as much as 5 stars hotel, vice.v. I never ask him, diamond, branded bag etc. not even lavish wedding back then. As long as he loves me dearly then everything doesn't matter, I told him. I've been 9 years with him and marry him for 7 years or so now.

Honestly, the situation makes me 'unhappy' at first and then I realize that this is one of his quality why I marry him. Hard working, responsible man. I wasn't know that he is workaholic when we were dating. We lived in different continent. I guess time turn me more understanding about his 'love' towards his work. I do 100% realize that he loves his work more than anything. He even taking 2 am, 3 am, 4 am phone call from HQ. Other than that, since we both expat, he is the breadwinner of the family. I can't work for paperwork reason. I really miss to go to the office indeed but nothing I can do as my own husband can't sponsor my working permit as we are living abroad. I really want to get back to USA or my home country so I can pursue my carrier again but his carrier is our priority at the moment so I'm willing to sacrifice. When I marry husband, I had really good position and he said I shouldn't worry. He will provide for us and I still allowed taking care of my parent (This is how we are raised, youngster must taking care of their parent). I left my job back then to marry him and follow him wherever he stated. I do household matters for us so I contribute as much as he is, including paperwork for him and me abroad (administration/law etc. as I'm used to deal with these subjects during my carrier).

I want to pointed out, there are consequences to whatever decision we make in life. i.e, the situation might cost me not having baby up to this point as we hardly see each other. There are some point that our conversation skill cost us misunderstanding, etc2. So are you ready for these situations? Are you willing to live this way? As I believe we can't change anyone unless they willing to. Another thing, I witness so many couple facing worst obstacles than mine so those open my eyes and I should be grateful to what I have. I realize, we can't get anything we want but we can be grateful and useful for others (i.e, I can't have my own child, so I start funding needy children who needs educational support, charity etc.).

I understand people can get lonely when facing this situation (as I have some friends confess to me, their husband travelling alot) so that's when I told them we can hang out sometime or anytime she needs a friend (we all are expat, so we are far away from home/family and friends). Every once a week (some of them even almost everyday) meet up somewhere to catch up. Not only you have support group but also when you coming home you feel happier. For me, as I'm the only child, once a week or even twice a month is enough as I'm used to just by myself (I'm a solitaire, being alone never bother me, I can still find fun thing to do just by myself).

I think, what bother you the most is 'baby/child' issue, as it was to me as well. Time is ticking indeed, especially to women. When you asked me 6 years ago, my desire to have a baby was still big. Not anymore. My attitude upon the matter now, if God let me to be pregnant then Praise God, Alleluia if not then it's ok. So, it's all up to you dear, what will be your priority in life especially in marriage. Further more how to deal with the situations. My recipe doesn't necessary will spice up yours and vice.v. You will find your own recipe that will work for your life (marriage life) - and it takes time, trial and errors. This what makes you a person, a better person. Another thing, what is 'right' for them doesn't mean 'right' for you. Depends on your value in life, if ever you try any possible things can be and the situation still the same or even worst, many will end up divorce as the way out but it isn't my cup of tea, let say (which is ok, nothing wrong with it). Many will turn to God or Jesus, or any other religion, it's ok whatever empowering you. Gosh, do I just write a note to heaven :rofl:

Good luck and may us find our happiness.


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## sqrt314

I'm an engineer myself. For my day job I work ~60hrs/week on average, plus I'm running my own startup. Soo I'm usually up by 6am and will not have the chance to sleep until 1~2am in the morning. Needless to say, our marriage is suffering quite a bit because of that, but there are other incompatibility I won't get into for now.

From a guy's perspective. I feel that sometimes women are simply attracted to guys who can single mindly pursue their dreams - whether it be the fastest runner or trying to run their own company. For a guy, having a sense of accomplishment is extremely important. Honestly, would you rather your H work like he does right now, or go work a 9-to-5 job and come home and just wait on you? Although in the beginning it would be sweet, in the long run you'd look down upon him for not having a goal of his own.

Now, your husband "forgetting" things.. don't blame. His work likely entails keeping track vast number of projects, deadlines, etc. On top of that there are the tasks you set for him. If you want him to do something on time, figure out a way to get it onto his calendar! 

If he is avoiding certain tasks.. it's not because he refuses. When he gets stressed, even the simplest tasks would seem almost impossibly difficult. There are times for me after working on a particular project that I'd sit in my car in front of grocery store and could not summon up the strength to walk in. I'd drive home again. Do you know the reason that Steve Jobs wears the same outfit day after day? So that he doesn't have to think about what to pick out from his wardrobe. Simple things like that would add stress to his live. Recent interview with Michelle Obama reveals that the first lady would pick out a set of suit, shirt, and tie for his husband and hang them ready to be worn in the morning. The very simple act of picking out a suit is distracting enough to take Obama's attention away from other tasks he is thinking about at the time.

So are you supportive of your H's goal of running the company? If so, work with him on these little issues. Set up a date night every week / month that can not get canceled. Trust me, he is probably feeling guilty about not being able to spend time with you too.


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