# Just Wondering



## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Hello all, I've been reading posts on here and find it very comforting and supportive. I do have a question for the ladies.

Quick background, married 16 years, together almost 20. 2 sons 8 and 10, separated for 3 months. We split time in the family home a week at a time. My wife has stated she has checked out of the marriage and wants no reconciliation. She has stated there is no other man involved.

My question is she has never bought or worn lingerie or any sexy underwear. Not to sound rude but for our entire time together I've gotten granny panties. I was not snooping but have found she is now wearing thongs and fancy underwear as well as grooming down there as evidenced by the waxing kit in the bathroom.

Please tell me I'm being paranoid but does this mean what I think it does?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you really have to ask??


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

The evidence points to yes or she is getting ready for her new single life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm sorry,but why would she bother to do these things now?
She most likely is doing it for another male.

Shes never done this ever for you?
Has she ever said she loves you?

This is a major red flag for a affair.
Sorry it doesn't sound good.

Read up on here about the same exact signs 
and adultery.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It could mean either of two things. She's trying to boost her confidence by giving herself a makeover, or there's another man in the offing.

Even when I wasn't in a relationship, I still wore lacy underwear, sexy lacy topped stockings, silky sleepwear and took care of my 'grooming.' Even if your W wasn't in the habit of doing these things, it's still possible that she's now doing these things for herself.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> It could mean either of two things. She's trying to boost her confidence by giving herself a makeover, or there's another man in the offing.
> 
> Even when I wasn't in a relationship, I still wore lacy underwear, sexy lacy topped stockings, silky sleepwear and took care of my 'grooming.' Even if your W wasn't in the habit of doing these things, it's still possible that she's now doing these things for herself.


What Cosmos said is possible, just not likely.

My guess is she is doing this for another man.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I would lean towards a "newly single" makeover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

sure sound like it's for a man, usually already in the picture.

unless, she has GF's who are prompting it or has been reading the grocery line trash mags.

either way......it's either there, or headed in that direction. 

sorry man


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

LdyVenus said:


> I would lean towards a "newly single" makeover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This is entirely possible...

Just before I got divorced, I cut my waist length hair to shoulder length (something I instantly regretted!) and drastically changed the colour of it. There was no man involved, but I changed my entire appearance... I did it because I wanted to FEEL different.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

She has never lied in the past and looked me straight in the eye and told me there is no one else. I'm trying to be supportive and make this separation as easy on the kids as possible but this has dropped me back to rock bottom.
Should I confront her with this or let it lie? I'm still hopeful to have our marriage back together by doing 180's and working on the problems that I have contributed to our marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Can you check her cell phone records. Put a VAR in her car and 2 in the house.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Hockeydad said:


> She has never lied in the past and looked me straight in the eye and told me there is no one else. I'm trying to be supportive and make this separation as easy on the kids as possible but this has dropped me back to rock bottom.
> Should I confront her with this or let it lie? I'm still hopeful to have our marriage back together by doing 180's and working on the problems that I have contributed to our marriage.


i don't think it's worthy of confrontation. the wax could have been for eyebrow, swim suit lines etc.

the underwear could have been a spur of the moment. I would just leave a note on the underwear that says "nice" or something. maybe spray your cologne on them. :smthumbup:

damn i'm evil


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Her cell is from the business and I have no idea what a var is. She is staying with the mother in law on the off weeks and I could ask her but I would rather not as I love her as much as my wife and would not want to hurt that relationship as well.
I really want to believe that she is doing this for herself but I'm having a hard time of it.
I'm not the perfect husband or father but I have always been proud to say I have never cheated and never would.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I wouldn't confront her. Her underwear is her business, seeing as you are separated.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

voice activated recorder


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't want to be a downer, HockeyDad, but I would not put a lot of hope into a reconciliation.

Speaking as a woman who left her H of 19 years; he was SHOCKED when I told him I wanted a divorce. There is/was NOTHING he could do that would have changed my mind. Sometimes a person reaches a point where they just DON'T CARE (not even enough to get angry) anymore and nothing is going to make them care! Sounds like *that* is where your wife is at.

When I decided to leave my H, I immediately started to feel BETTER about myself! I had a chance at a NEW LIFE. Did I have a guy lined up or in-mind? NOPE! But, I knew I would have a new job, new friends, maybe (hopefully) eventually a new man. I started grooming myself better for ME...because I felt better about me. I had made a decision to move forward in my life and stop stagnating.

If your w has never lied to you, then I would take her at her word. 
There is no other man.
She is not interested in reconciliation.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone, Kermitty you are exactly right, her underwear is her business and I must take the high road and not snoop into her business. If push comes to shove I`m sure my weight loss and working out could be taken by her as exactly the same thing.
I just want to thank you people again for your insight and I guess I should be taking my questions to the divorce and separation forum.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hockeydad...you unfortunately only "heard" the one answer that helps you keep your head in the sand.

But if a divorce is what you want, you might as well leave it there.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Hey Faithful wife, sorry but I don't understand. Should I confront her and tell her if something is going on that it needs to stop or will that only drive us further apart.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

It could be her way to boost her confidence again. Maybe she wants to feel sexy about her body in preparation for a new single life.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm not saying it's a slam dunk that she's trolling for the one eyed wonder worm but I would be DAM sure to investigate!

Sure, she could have just checked out as one or two have said and there is no one else but if you read up in the infidelity section that happens MAYBE about 5% of the time. In 95% of these type of cases there IS someone else. Cheaters lie and liers cheat


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

She has most likely been having an affair for some time! Start snooping, I believe we all know what you are going to find.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Hey SlowlyGettingWiser, thanks for your insight and unfortunatly I tend to believe what you say. If she is having an affair then so be it. I can't make her stop she is a grown women and will do what she wants. I can't tell her to love me if she doesnt want to. I can howevèr show her that I can be the kind of man that she did fall in love with many years ago and hope for the best. But either way life will go on and Ive still got my boys and that is the most important thing in my life right now.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What do you want?

Lets start there.

If she wanted the separation, she dictated the terms ... in other words if she did all of the planning about separating? Then she has been checked out for a long time. And undoubtedly ... she is looking forward to, or is already in another relationship.

With no ill will intended, if you want this thing to turn the corner one way or the other, than I suggest a surprise of your own.

Have her served. It changes the game entirely. I'm not suggesting it to be a smart-ass or to get even. I'm suggesting it because it's what needs to happen for this circumstance to draw to a close.

Else ... there is no end-game, other than remaining in limbo and hoping she has a change of heart. I would submit, that isn't a very beneficial plan for YOU.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Like Deejo said, Filing for divorce will certainly let her know that you aren't going to wait around for her if she is not interested. It will snap her out of any fantasy that you will wait for her to figure things out. 
Even if you do file for divorce, I would still do what you said you believe you should, 
"show her that I can be the kind of man that she did fall in love with many years ago and hope for the best. But either way life will go on and Ive still got my boys and that is the most important thing in my life right now."


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

I believe in Ontario you have to have a 1 year separation before you can file for divorce unless there is an extramarital affair or violence. If she is cheating then maybe that will bring things to a head.

And you are right the things that I am doing are also to make myself a better man for myself and my boys as well as maybe to try for a reconciliation. 

I realize that this is going to be a long and hard process but one way or the other I need closure to get on with my life with or without her.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maybe get her to sign a legal separation agreement. This will need to include information about custody, child support, etc. 

Make sure she realizes that you are doing this in preparation for divorce. Maybe seeing the terms in 'black and white' will make her see where she is headed. She will see that you are willing to move on without her.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hockeydad said:


> Hello all, I've been reading posts on here and find it very comforting and supportive. I do have a question for the ladies.
> 
> Quick background, married 16 years, together almost 20. 2 sons 8 and 10, separated for 3 months. We split time in the family home a week at a time. My wife has stated she has checked out of the marriage and wants no reconciliation. She has stated there is no other man involved.
> 
> ...


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I don't want to be a downer, HockeyDad, but I would not put a lot of hope into a reconciliation.
> 
> Speaking as a woman who left her H of 19 years; he was SHOCKED when I told him I wanted a divorce. There is/was NOTHING he could do that would have changed my mind. Sometimes a person reaches a point where they just DON'T CARE (not even enough to get angry) anymore and nothing is going to make them care! Sounds like *that* is where your wife is at.
> 
> ...



I floated in that boat too! It's over OP.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Hey everyone, I realize its not the right forum but its where I am.

I appreciate the feed back that I received from the origianal post and have an update and more questions.

Just to get you up to speed on whats been quite a ride. When I first posted I was in a bad way but in the meantime I have been diagnosed with extreme depression which was a major cause for my behaviour and the majority of our issues which lead to our separation. Not an excuse by me but a reason. I was already starting to help myself before diagnosis with exercise and diet. I have since started talk therapy with my minister and am consulting with our family physician. Life is starting to look good to me again and I'm focusing on getting myself well again for my boys, myself and hopefully my wife and marriage.

The reason for posting again is I had a text from a women who is currently split from her husband. We are close friends with this couple and our kids play hockey and lacrosse together. My wife dated this guy in high school but not seriously.
She contacted me with the information that her husband and my wife were having an affair. Shocker huh?

We met for coffee and I let her in on everything that has happened to me so far which is the first time I have actually let someone know my whole situation. She shared that her husband has major issues that make mine pale in comparison. Multiple affairs, drinking, depression and on and on. His leaving coincided with our separation. Shocker again huh?

I did the wrong thing and confronted my wife with this. She insists its not an affair as it was never physical (found out from his wife he's not capable of doing that Ha Ha) The emotional affair had been going on with texts and phone calls for quite a while, which I as someone alluded to had my head in the sand.
She was shocked that this was discovered and that its actually well known in our social circles. The other wife said women know and see these things and are supportive towards her. My wife is in a high profile position in our healthcare system and is now scared as hell.

Which brings me to my question. I have detached and am looking at this from another prespective. I want nothing more then to heal and make myself the man I was before and better. I want the best for my family which I would love to include my wife again, but do I let this play out or do I give her an ultimatum. I have never cheated in our marriage and if it is over I have no desire to date or enter another relationship until this is done and i am healed and better.

Sorry to be long winded but I do appreciate your opinions.

Thanks


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Is your wife repentant? Does she feel remorse? Is she still in love with you?


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Was pretty cold and claimed that she had checked out for the first few months of this ordeal (which I can't say as I blame her) This weekend after I confronted her she has become very emotional about everything.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It will be a long and hard road. You need to gather as many resources as you can:

*Get into counseling, for yourself, and MC with her if it looks like a reconciliation will happen.

*Stay on your diet and exercise plan.

*Did you say you have kids? They will need a lot of help and support, too.

*Have you read books about infidelity, like "Not Just Friends" or "Surviving An Affair"? You should maybe start there because you will get a good idea of what will need to happen for your marriage to recover from this.

*Move this post or start a new one in the Infidelity section...you will get a lot more help and support there.

*Make sure your head does not go in the sand again. You have been cheated on and please don't forget it. You may find a way to forgive, but ignoring the problem makes it worse, not better.


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