# Considering divorce-need help



## troubledhusband (May 26, 2009)

I'v been with my wife for 15 years, dated 3 years, been married 12. She came into our marriage with a 5 year old son. We have had two children of our own. A couple of years ago, I kicked our 17 year old step-son out of the house after he had got caught at school with possession of drugs for the 2nd time. I had told him after the first time if he did it again I would kick him out and my wife agreed. I was out of town when he got caught the 2nd time, so my wife was the one to tell him he had to leave. That's when things started to go downhill. Since then, she resented and blamed me for kicking him out. She has also went into a deep depression and has started using an enormous amount of prescription drugs-enough drugs to affect her speech (slurring) and motor skills (stumbling). She has also become a gambling addict. Her actions are about to put us under financially. I have talked to her many times about the drugs and gambling-for at least 1.5 years and she will not listen to anything I say. She has become more and more withdrawn from activities with our two children. I'm at the point to where I hate to be around her in a social setting because of what the drugs do to her. The latest episode of gambling is the straw that broke the camel's back for me. She went gambling, while the kids and I were out of town at one of my kids sporting events, and lost control and hit our debit card 5 times before she left the casino for a large amount of money, and of course, did not tell me until I went on the computer to check our bank account. While I was logging on, she said I need to talk to you about something. As soon as I looked at the bank account, I looked at her and told her this was it-I'm getting a divorce. Well, this must have woke her up. She has been telling me that she is going to go to drug rehab to get off the meds and will never step foot in a casino again. I'm at the point where it's too little too late. However, she has never before admitted that she was taking too many drugs until now. She has in the past said she would never go to a casino, only to go back time and time again. Should I give her another chance? I love my wife, I just don't like the woman she has turned into in the last couple of years. But, I can't take anymore of her drugs, gambling, not to mention the lies that she has told me to cover up her trips to the casino. Is she just saying this to keep me around and will she go back to the same old routine? I'm really lost and don't know what to do. Any advice will be appreciated.


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## Screwed (May 26, 2009)

Since you have been with her for 12 years , I would give her 1 more chance and make it 1 month to observe her actions. I think 1 month is a fair amount of time and since you have been together for so long maybe 1 more month wouldnt hurt to see if things can really change. Firstly I would sit down with her and explain to her what you want to do to give it another chance. Then if she agrees to the terms then I say go for it. If she has lied in the past i would recommend installing a keylogger on your computer or tap her cell phone to monitor her and make sure that she isnt lieing to you again.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Call her bluff. Let her know you mean business.
Contact an attorney, file for divorce, then have her served. 
This doesn't necessarly mean you're going to follow through with this.
If you think there's any shot at fixing your wife, after you've had her served sit her down for a heart to heart.
Let her know the ball is now in her court. If she enters and completes treatment and counseling, you will consider remaining married. Tell her you will also enter into counseling to help fix your shortcomings.
However if she doesn't your marriage is finished.

Dude you've put up with way more than I would have. You deserve better, and maybe your wife will become what you deserve.
Right now you need to focus on doing what's right for you and your kids, not your wife. She needs to grow up and commit to fixing herself. You cannot do it for her.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

troubledhusband said:


> I was out of town when he got caught the 2nd time, so my wife was the one to tell him he had to leave. That's when things started to go downhill. Since then, she resented and blamed me for kicking him out.


I have been in the same spot with my son (19 now)...nothing drug related but wanting to live by his own rules & after many explosions when he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it, I told him he had to leave. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and can tell you it made me feel

I failed as a parent
scared for him and his future
it was absolutely not how I wanted to send him into the world
his resentment towards me was unbearable

Honestly, she sounds worried enough to take action and is finally admitting she is out of control, but you laid your story out very nicely and it's hard not to think she is using the meds and gambling to numb her pain. 

Although I don't blame you for feeling done with all of this, I would be very careful now that you've given her somewhat of an ultimatum, that you also support her in dealing with how she feels about your step-son.

I would guess she wants to stop her behavior as much as you want her to, but was too far gone to come back on her own. Now that it's out in the open, I would let her get the rehab help she needs, but also focus on her son.

It's been almost a year, and until a few months ago, the only conversations with my son were around how I obviously don't love or care about him because I threw him out. I just kept emailing him, telling him I loved him...they went unanswered, but I just wanted him to know how I felt. 

In the last few months, he has come around. He is realizing that living by your own rules comes with a lot of responsibility and he knows I am there to help him get on his feet. He really appreciates help with his rent, hand me down stuff for his place and me taking him out for a meal, things he took for granted when he was here and is now more serious about his future & career. Anyway, there are so many other young adults that are in the same situation, and end up better for it...

I am not sure what the current situation is with your step-son, but I think your wife will need to spend time on repairing that for her sake and his. One thing I know is that I could not give up on him and as much as it hurt to not hear from him, it felt better to make sure he knew I was still there for him and cared.

Counseling would be a great start for your wife.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

troubledhusband said:


> I'm at the point where it's too little too late. However, she has never before admitted that she was taking too many drugs until now.


There's no such thing as too little too late. If she is actually taking action, then see where it goes. Is there perhaps an fault to be laid at your door? Did she feel unsupported by you?


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