# Can infidelity cause PTSD?



## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

This past week I had extreme anxiety at just the thought of being intimate with my wife. I told my wife about it and mentioned it may be a sign of PTSD due to her affair. She then mentioned this to her friend who responded with "him saying he has PTSD is insulting to people who really have PTSD." 
This upset me and I began to call her friend on it. To which my wife defended her because she "studied" psychology in college.

I have found psychologist articles online that point out cheating may cause PTSD in the betrayed spouse but I would like some more opinions on it.

*Does anyone have experience with PTSD before being a betrayed spouse?

How does being BS compare?*

Any thoughts dealing with PTSD and infidelity are welcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

What are the signs of PTSD?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I suppose it's possible due to how deeply it affects people. 

But I see her friends point of view as well. I wouldnt want to go categorizing how people react to pain. It's so subjective.

I think it's enough that you are deeply affected by the thought of intimacy with your wife due to the affair. It doesn't need a label.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Some refer to it as "Post Infidelity Stress Disorder" (which is hilarious because, as an acronym, "PISD" comes out sounding like "pissed"). I don't know that they're technically the same but there are a LOT of parallels, similar symptoms, etc.

LOL @ your wife's friend. Did her psych "studies" in college amount to a 131-esque requirement?


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

@GusPolinski
LOL @ your wife's friend. Did her psych "studies" in college amount to a 131-esque requirement?

Don't know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

@brokeneric
A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
(2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. .
(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:
(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor.
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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

after reading this I just realized I displayed a lot of this behavior as a child from when my dad had an affair. It really affected me a lot more than I realized
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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Short Answer: YES. 

PTS = Post Traumatic Stress. Self explanatory definition. 

Your wife's friend is an idiot. Wait until her world gets ripped apart for whatever reason.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> This past week I had extreme anxiety at just the thought of being intimate with my wife. I told my wife about it and mentioned it may be a sign of PTSD due to her affair. She then mentioned this to her friend who responded with "him saying he has PTSD is insulting to people who really have PTSD."
> This upset me and I began to call her friend on it. To which my wife defended her because she "studied" psychology in college.
> 
> I have found psychologist articles online that point out cheating may cause PTSD in the betrayed spouse but I would like some more opinions on it.
> ...


She's talking about her sex life with her toxic friend, awesome.. does her friend cheat or has she cheated? I bet she did.. or is.. or is about to..

She's 'insulted', aka, wants to minimize the damage done by a betrayed spouse for some reason.. Why would she care so much? Is it personal, is she a soldier that was in combat and suffered PTSD, does she know one? Has she ever spoken with a soldier that's discovered his/her spouse was cheating? Asked them to compare the pain of each trauma? What a b word.. f her friend with a sharp stick.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Definitely PTSD. Vday and triggering bad.

Does anyone really care that a BS has PTSD? WS didn't care, a lot of mutual friends think we are to blame, a no fault divorce with alimony to the WS, assault the OM and you get sued, neighbors have something new to gossip about. Everyone wins except the BS and the kids. It was just cheating, right?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PISD is real. I have a couple of books about it that I have read and were extremely helpful to my recovery. I highly recommend them

http://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-infidelity-Stress-Disorder-PISD/dp/1587613344

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books

The second book has an unfortunate title, because I believe that anyone whose spouse has cheated would benefit greatly from reading it. Not just spouses of sex addicts. I also like that book because it doesn't deal with the BS as a codependent. It talks about PTSD and how the BS experiences it's symptoms and how they are usually diagnosed as codependency when that simply isn't the case for everyone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), which is very often useful for those with PTSD, has also been used successfully with BS's.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

PTSD like everything else in life is not an all or nothing condition. There are different levels AND it can effect everyone differently, and everyone handles it differently, some not at all. When I was on active duty I knew more the one person who volunteered to redeploy to a combat zone rather than stay home and deal with infidelity issues. Shoot, if I was still on active duty I might have done it too, the Taliban are easier to spot than a cheating spouse most of the time. You cannot tell me d-day (and beyond) wasn't traumatic. It's the one of the most traumatic things that's ever happened to me, if not the most.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

YES! I refer you to this article: "Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress*Disorder"


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> YES! I refer you to this article: "Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress*Disorder"



BY THE GODS!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Cloaked said:


> I told my wife about it and mentioned it may be a sign of PTSD due to her affair. She then mentioned this to her friend who responded with "him saying he has PTSD is insulting to people who really have PTSD."


So a cheating wife and her "friend" get to dismiss your very real PTSD symptom?

Nice.

Ignore their manipulations.

That said, read up on it and find a way to resolve it. Others have given you good links.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) that gives doctors and mental health professionals the criteria for diagnosing PTSD specifies that there must have been threat of physical harm or actual harm done. So technically speaking, that's not the kind of trauma we have to deal with. But make no mistake, we HAVE been traumatized and the aftermath can be much the same. 

Could we ever file for disability claiming PTSD due to infidelity? No. Do we experience horrendous stress reactions and sometimes awful symptoms? Yes.

Shirley Glass writes about this in NOT Just Friends:

"Post-traumatic reactions cluster into three categories: intrusion, constriction, and hyperarousal. These reactions are formally diagnosesd as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if the threat was physical or life-threatening and if these symptoms last longer than one month. However, betrayed partners whose _psychological_ safety is threatened by infidelity commonly display these same clusters of symptoms, and the symptoms can occur over a long period of time."


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Shirley Glass's quote hits the nail on the head.

I had every one of those symptoms you listed on the previous page. Every single freaking one day after day for many months. It's a nightmare. One psychologist describes PTSD as a "murder of the soul". That's exactly what it is. 

Who cares if the current criteria is worded in such a way that 'life-threatening' (in the physical sense) is the key phrase? Being betrayed is often life-threatening from a psychological point of view and that's why we exhibit the same symptoms. Your entire worldview has changed. It's a fracture of Being. 

The only thing that really helped me was medication. But meds only help with the symptoms and not the underlying psychological issues. 

Keep in mind that PTSD can cause organic damage to the brain if left untreated.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> This past week I had extreme anxiety at just the thought of being intimate with my wife. I told my wife about it and mentioned it may be a sign of PTSD due to her affair. She then mentioned this to her friend who responded with "him saying he has PTSD is insulting to people who really have PTSD."
> This upset me and I began to call her friend on it. To which my wife defended her because she "studied" psychology in college.
> 
> I have found psychologist articles online that point out cheating may cause PTSD in the betrayed spouse but I would like some more opinions on it.
> ...


I think the bigger argument is why is your WW spouting off to a friend instead of trying to support you through your pain.

Does she give you the "just get over it" talks too?

Seriously. This to me is the more critical aspect of your situation with your WW and her friend.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) that gives doctors and mental health professionals the criteria for diagnosing PTSD specifies that there must have been threat of physical harm or actual harm done. So technically speaking, that's not the kind of trauma we have to deal with. But make no mistake, we HAVE been traumatized and the aftermath can be much the same.
> 
> Could we ever file for disability claiming PTSD due to infidelity? No. Do we experience horrendous stress reactions and sometimes awful symptoms? Yes.
> 
> ...


There is also the issue of STD's. When I found out about my ex-W's affair, I couldn't have sex with her again. Growing up in the 80's you became EXTREMELY aware of STD's because of AIDS. To the point of mild paranoia (well I did anyway LOL). My fear of STD's was one of the reasons I could never "consumate" a ONS, among some emotional components as well.

I felt like she put my life at risk by having sex with a guy without me knowing and then having sex with me. So, maybe not the norm, I can see "a threat of physical harm" being satisfied, depending on the person.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I personally don't really care what the DSM says. It doesn't recognize sex addiction either, and my hubby most definitely has that.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I say yes. It's certainly a different type of stress than experienced by a combat vetern. I think it's right to call it something different. I kind of like PISD. Seems fitting.

I think the main difference is that it is centered around 1 person. There is a focal point. The trigger is always there. If you are with your WS you wonder if you go the full truth and when you are away from them you fear what they are doing. Present or absent the trigger is there unless you divorce. Even if you divorce there is still the possibilty of carrying it into future relationships. 

The fear is of emotional harm vs. physical. Modern Physcology is branched off of physical medicine. If it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger type attitude commonly prevails. So, yeah, fooey on what they 'experts' say.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Glass covers this in her book "Not Just Friends"

The short answer is "yes".

If you want the long answer, read the book. It's probably the best book on infidelity to date.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hell Yes!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ah. Your wife's fiend (and that's not a misspelling) clearly did not graduate in psychology, or she would have never made such a belittling and dismissive comment.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), which is very often useful for those with PTSD, has also been used successfully with BS's.


This has been mentioned here many times as a great help.

We have had military vets here that said the trauma from infidelity was as bad or worse than battle.

We have had women say it was worse than them being raped.

We have had many say it was worse than losing a close family member. I can vouch for that one and even feel guilty for admitting it. I could not function for over a week and just went through the motions.

We give advice here all the time to find a counselor that can deal with infidelity and ptsd.

Your wifes friend may be toxic, if not a know it all.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cloaked said:


> @brokeneric
> A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
> (1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
> (2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.
> ...


This is my world. First I have a diagnosis of PTSD from my time in combat and am being treated for it. Second, my work is mainly counseling combat Veterans with PTSD. I can almost smell it on folks who have it. 

All your quotes above regarding PTSD are no longer relevant. That was the criteria under DSM IV (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is used by clinicians and psychiatrists to diagnose psychiatric illnesses). As of about May 2013 it has been replaced with the DSM V.

PTSD is no longer classified as an anxiety disorder. In the DSM V there is a new category of "Trauma and Stressor Disorders, and PTSD is listed under this new category. 

It opens up with this new definition:
Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:
Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s)
Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others
Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental.
Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

Presence of one (or more) of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred:
Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s)
Recurrent distressing dreams in which the content and/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s).
Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring. (Such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surrounding).
Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s)
Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s).

Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by one of both of the following:
Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s)
Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).


Negative alternations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:
Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous,” “My whole nervous system is permanently ruined”).
Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.
Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.
Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:
Irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects
Reckless or self-destructive behavior
Hypervigilance
Exaggerated startle response
Problems with concentration
Sleep disturbance (e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep).


Duration of the disturbance (Criteria B, C, D, and E) is more than 1 month.
The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
The disturbance is not attributable to physiological effects of a substance (e.g., medication, alcohol) or another medical condition.

Specify whether:
With dissociative symptoms: symptoms meet PTSD criteria and, in response to the stressor, experiences persistent or recurrent symptoms of either of the following:
Depersonalization: Persistent or recurrent experience of feeling detached from and as if one were an outside observer of, one’s mental processes or body (e.g., feeling though one were in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or time moving slowly)
Derealizaton: Persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings (e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted).
Note: To use this subtype, the dissociate symptoms must not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts, behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

Specify if:
With delayed expression: if the full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least 6 months after the event (although the onset and expression of symptoms may be immediate).


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Whatever people want to call it, a BS goes through real trauma. I thought I was actually going to die from the physical pain (he didn't touch me, but I felt like my body was cut in half, and my heart was ripped out...not exaggerating.) For months afterwards I was either in pain, or numb like a zombie. I didn't want to leave my house for fear I might run into OW. I lost all interest in things that had formerly been important to me and could barely get up in the morning, much less take care of myself and my children. It has been 4 1//2 years, and here I am, still reading about it. You'd think I'd be "all better" by now. PTSD, PISD, trauma, whatever you call it, it is real.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I was diagnosed by my IC after i left my abusive marriage, and having spent enough times on TAM I can confirm a lot of what a BS goes through is similar to what I experienced. They are different of course, but many experiences are similar. Take triggers for example... any time someone puts their hands in my face I freak out and flashback to being strangled. It is a trigger... just like a BS has.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....PTSD ....definitely. BUT ...also 'concrete' physical issues. I just found out that my blood pressure is off the charts... (reading was just found to be 201/119)!!!

......now ...the last time I had a reading taken was a bit over a year ago. It was 140/90 ( not perfect ..I admit) .....and over that year ...I lost 45 lbs ...and cut beer consumption to a trickle ...and cigars to one every 4 months ..or less. (It was one per two months prior). 

....I'm convinced that the crazy stress this year ..has me on the brink of a possible stroke. More tests will have to be done ...but ...I'm physically okay otherwise. (or so I think ...or feel)

...just figured I'd add my 2 cents. Stress ....will manifest itself in numerous physical afflictions that will mess up your body .....not just your mind.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

YYYEEESSS YYEESS YES, I'm still experiencing ptsd for nearly 2 years now. 
There was a lot of trickle truth that came out in the beginning, and I'm positive that I still don't know all what he has done to betray me/our family!

We are all still going through counseling from this very traumatic time, especially because I was in hospital for months and months trying to stop very early labour with our twins and then I got really sick and it was one thing after another and I ended up having to stay in hospital up until the bubs were born which was at 33wks...

I'm so angry with her for not being decent enough to back off and leave my husband to work things out with his pregnant sick wife and work on trying to focus on helping his kids get through a scarey time as they thought I or one of the babies were going to die (we were lucky they didn't) and not to mention that the OW whas planning her wedding with her own fiance and going through IVF trying to have a baby....disgusting! 

I'm so angry with him for way too much stuff to write on here, but a couple of examples was when straight after we had the babies, SHE was the first person he called to give the news to.. Another one that sticks is when I was denied a home visit at the last minute due to them finding some enzyme in my blood that indicated that I hsd already hasd a heart attack or wss about to.
My H promised me that he and our kids would come in to visit me very early Saturday and stay and have lunch n dinner with me and thenccome back in on Sunday and bring in some more books/dvds. But he didn't. He text me at 10:30am to say it was too wet of a day to come rushing in and he's mega tired, blah blah blah... all the excuses under the sun, even that they couldn't come to see me cause my Uncle n cousin is coming over today. But none of this happened none of it was true, the truth was he was tired cause he was up till early hours of the morning sexting, video chatting, calling her and in the morning from 7am it started again and he took a break to text me to say they won't be coming in, and then he spent the rest of the weekend doing the same thing with her... I just remember feeling so unloved, confused, scared and lonley that day, and when I worked out the truth (through the text msg's and phone calls) it broke me, it's still something very hard not to think of. 

He also discussed inappropriate senario involving him dreaming that she would leave her husband and come live with him and have the kids every 2nd weekend. ..

Triggers, I have way too many, it would take weekend. ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

What I got was a case of knock me on my a$$. I don't know what the technical term or whatever was/is is called.

There is a cure which I think goes like this...

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
2. Do things to make your body and mind healthy
3. Realize you are the only one responsible for your happiness
4. Focus on the positive things in life
5. Realize it could always be worse (My kids don't have cancer)
6. Know in your heart that life is a gift so live for the moment (Carpe Diem)
7. Forgive the other person and yourself so you can be free of the emotional chains that want to bind you in misery
8. Do not put your faith in man. That is not where is belongs

It's is very simple. It takes a lot of work, but focus on you and it will come around.

God bless brother.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> What I got was a case of knock me on my a$$. I don't know what the technical term or whatever was/is is called.
> 
> There is a cure which I think goes like this...
> 
> ...


WOW, yep, that's exactly what I needed to hear, and perfect timing ;-)
THANKS X
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