# I married a divorced father that doesn't want kids



## kevinmccallister (Jan 14, 2018)

I've been with my husband close to 7 years and married about 4 months. He's a divorced father of three and 37. I was 26 when we met and 33 now. I did not want kids when we met and wasn't sure about marriage. As the years went by I started to doubt my "no kids" stance. We talked about it before we got married. It went like, I'm not ready for kids but I will probably change my mind. He said he did not want more but would make a change for me. Ok, now looking back I see how this is all wrong and was a straight path to disaster. But this is all new to me and I can't go back. Besides I love him, want to spend my life with him, he's the one I've always wanted etc. So now It's become clear to me that I want kids. It's possible I could convince him but we all know that's not the right thing. So now I'm faced with this huge decision. Leave or stay. I'm ok with being a 40 year old mom, fate willing, so I do have some time left. Any one been in my position before? What did you do? Any regrets?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Have you reopened the discussion with him? If not, that's the best place to start. Be honest with him.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

kevinmccallister said:


> We talked about it before we got married. It went like, I'm not ready for kids but I will probably change my mind. He said he did not want more but would make a change for me.


From your post, I'm not sure if you've discussed kids with him after that initial conversation. Have you discussed kids with him recently? If not, you need to bring it up to see what his feelings are now. How old are his kids? Do they live with you?

If he doesn't want anymore, I would strongly recommend not trying to change his mind. Kids take a lot of time and can add a lot of stress. If he's not fully onboard, then adding a child may hurt your relationship in the long run. He already has kids so he knows what it takes.


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## kevinmccallister (Jan 14, 2018)

Yes. We've recently discussed it. He doesn't have much to say but made it clear he changed his mind and is not willing to have kids.


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## kevinmccallister (Jan 14, 2018)

Yes we have recently discussed it. He says he has changed his mind from his original stance and definately doesn't want kids. His 16 year old lives with us but his 14 and 10 year old live 20 hours away with their mom.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Are you forty now?
If so, can you still have children?

Having children late in life carries some [ a higher] risk of defects.
Some put the 'blame' on women, her aging eggs. But they are fixed in number.

Some put it on a man's continually forming sperm, oft dividing cells, radioactive particles from space, causing flaws in his generating of new antherozoid.

Are you a healthy lady, is your man healthy. Children are wonderful, better when healthy??


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Talk is cheap.

Even though he said he might change his mind about future kids he was honest about not wanting them.

Tought decission.

Ask yourself why you want children ....is it because your biologice clock is ticking and you feel you might miss out .

Or do you really want to be a mom. I think some time people think they want kids and then when the reality after having them sets in they are shocked how things change.


I can understand him not wanting more kids. As a older guy I would not have more kids after already haveing and rasing kids already.

Kind of a been there done that kinda thing.

Children change a relationshp big time! Your sex life suffers, your time spent with eachother changes and the life long commitent of being a perent is huge.


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## kevinmccallister (Jan 14, 2018)

I'm 33


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Kids are too important a life changing decision to compromise on. No matter what either of you thought you wanted before, if you aren't on the same page now, you can't have kids. If that isn't acceptable to you, then you need to leave. 

Being an unwanted child, even just by one parent, is just awful. 

I'm sorry, its a very tough situation, but I don't see any way around it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

From this I surmise:

You say you love him, want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Yet, minus new children with him..

His value goes from forever...
To gone...

What love is this?
I know not this love?

Lilith-


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You'll need to take some time to think about what is really important to your future: Staying with him or having kids. You shouldn't try to do both since he let you know his preference. 

Having kids is a total lifechanging experience. It's not something he can be hands-off about. Your H might be looking forward to the simplicity of not having any kids in the house in just a few years.

Whatever you do, don't rush into any decision either way. I think it would be a mistake to leave over this issue. You can build a wonderful, life-long relationship with this man even without kids.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

OP, can I ask what made you not want kids before and what changed since then? 

I ask because I know of quite a few people in your shoes who got this rosey view of having kids into their 30s because they got to see all the hallmark moments from their friends with kids and none of the reality. They came to highly regret choosing to have a child and basically all of their first impressions that made them not want to were correct. You might want to read up on the experiences of people who regret having kids and think a little bit more about this if the desire is new. You just don't want to end up 5 years down the line with a kid you're not fulfilled raising and without your husband wishing you had chosen differently. 

If you are absolutely sure, you have to divorce to have kids. That's the only option you have got. No one here is going to help you strong arm your husband into having more kids and if you do, there's a high chance that you will find yourself divorced in the near future. Maybe as a single mother, maybe not. There's no good outcome to a situation like that and there's no good outcome to telling you to stay with your husband and build resentment over not having kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It depends on what you want more, children or him. I think you need to let him know that it may be a make or break thing for you, otherwise he may think you are not that bothered and will accept his decision. The thing is that he may have three children, but it seems he is only raising one of them most of the time, so its not like you have them all with you. 

Of course you made a massive mistake in marrying a man who didn't want more children, and this was only 4 months ago, so why you did that knowing that you now want children I have no idea. So now you have a hard choice. 
You may not even meet another man who wants to marry you, so that's another problem.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP, you're in an interesting situation. Usually we see this question on TAM from a wife or husband who are currently in a kid-free marriage. For you, your H has three kids: two live very far away with their mom. I assume that he doesn't see them very often, given they live so far away. Then there is a teenager who lives with you.

So your H knows very well what it takes to be a parent, and you are living with a teenager (arguably the most challenging time of parenthood.) So you have a good idea of what it takes to be a parent, too (although having a newborn/infant is also very challenging due to the amount of time/effort the little ones require.)

Speaking as older mom (I had my son when I was 38, almost 39), I would encourage any person who has the desire to become a parent to leave an unwilling partner and move towards parenthood. Note that "unwilling" is not the same as "unable." 

When I married my H, I knew that we might not be able to have children. He had gotten a vasectomy when he was in his early 20s, and we were in our late 30s. He got a reversal but it didn't take, so our next step was IVF. If it had failed, we would have gone on to be happy Double-Income-No-Kids (DINKS), knowing that we tried. Or, maybe we would have gone to try to adopt, I don't know. But either way, it would have been a shared try, a shared failure, we would be working together for the same goal. 

It's a different story when one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't. In this case, someone will be resentful. It is a very difficult situation. 

Personally, now that I am a mom and I experience how integral it is to me, I would recommend that you leave and follow your desire to be a mom. I would say the same to a man who wanted to be a dad, but his wife wasn't interested. Partners can change throughout life, through break-ups, divorce, or death. I don't believe that there is only one person, on all the earth, for you or or for me. My mom is 72 years old and she found a new partner after being widowed. They are probably getting married this year. 

There is only a limited time for someone to become a parent. Your kids are your children forever- it is only very rarely that you lose your kids through death or estrangement- and usually the latter is because the Mom or Dad didn't actually want to be a mom or dad in the first place.

As for any experience? I am happily married, so I can't speak to leaving a marriage or to being a single parent. I have a distant cousin through marriage who became a single parent via a sperm bank 12 years ago- she is a teacher, and her and her son are doing very well from what I hear. However, I don't know how she has handled the "who is my dad" discussion. We are FB friends so we loosely follow each other. I see that her young son is a studious honor student at age 11. I know a single momma foster parent- now that is super challenging!!! She is hoping to adopt and build her family. She has adopted one teenager and currently had two little ones who she will likely adopt this year. 

I often think this board is more Talk About Divorce than it is Talk About Marriage, and I don't feel good about recommending divorce. Your H might change his mind if he sees that he is going to lose you. You don't give us the circumstances behind why he has only one of his kids nearby but off the bat, it makes me wonder. Most dedicated fathers would move to be closer to their kids, I think. So I wonder if he is just kinda done being a parent. Hard to know but it has my ears up, so to speak, without more info.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What will you regret more?

Never having children, or divorcing your now husband?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The comedian said her friend said to her what if your kid grows up and hates you.

The comedian said what do you mean, what if?

My wife practically fell on the floor laughing.

Or, at first they walk on your feet, then they walk on your hearts?

We do love them. But dear God, they have been a trial.

Our baby girl died when she was 29 because we gave her a birth defect. We failed her. It still hurts so very, very much. We sing happy birthday to her every year, and hold each other and cry.

Our sons are good. I think sometimes if we had not had our third child we wouldn't have this dark hole that hurts so much. But I remember her smile and laugh as she went out the door and she said I love you Daddy, and I growled, and said I love you too, the last time I saw her. That was more than 4 years ago. 

It was so hard when they were teenagers though. They were, every one of them, as obstinate and independent as I am. Unruly and difficult. I kept explaining to them I only make rules because I am trying to get them through to the point they can be successful as adults. They were just in training to be great grownups. It seemed to work, or at least, we made it. Just luck, maybe.

I wouldn't wish child rearing on anyone, really.

The old saying is be a grandparent, so you can spoil them and give them back to the parents. It applies to being an aunt, too.

Be well.


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