# how to move on



## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I fought the battle and lost. I didn't listen to everyones advice and now I have to pay the ultimate price. How do I erase the memories from my mind. I love and adore my stbxw mote than anything in the world. I would sacrifice anything for her. How can someone turn off there emotions after 12 years? I want to hold on the hope that one day I will wake up and this will all be a bad dream but I know that will never happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear it came to this, Lead. 

Do get counselling if you haven't before, surround yourself with a good support group, get some sunlight, exercise. 

As far as the memories--they will be with you and will fade with time...maybe not altogether but they will lessen. 

Is she seeing someone now?

Did either of you file?


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry to hear it came to this, Lead.
> 
> Do get counselling if you haven't before, surround yourself with a good support group, get some sunlight, exercise.
> 
> ...


She isn't seeing anyone. She says she has intent to and I finally believe her.

Neither of us have filed. This final decision was made by her on Sunday.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Wife informed me last night that she hasn't persued any formal divorce or legal separation yet. She now wants 30 days to think about what she wants. I told her that I love her and agreed that she needs to do what is going to make her happy in the end. Hopefully the time apart changes things. All I can do now is to hope for the best. It will be hard not seeing the kids every day but I will have to learn to adjust. Should I give her an agreement about how this is going to work or just leave things be?


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Sounds like there may be hope. Implement the 180 and fully back off. Give her the space she wants. Be calm and wait. 
She needs time to think it through, don't hassle her. Just be nice and warm and loving but not needy and begging. 


Let her come back to you, let it be her decision.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Talked with the W today. She informed me that she now wants 30 days to not even think about our relationship. After the 30 days if she decides it is worth it to her we need to seperate for an additional 6 months. And what am I suppose to do in the meantime? At least she was nice enough to tell me I can see the kids every other weekend. That sure will have no impact on 3 year old twins and a 5 year old. Maybe I am the one who should have been having the EA.


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Keep your head up. It's not over yet. I agree with jellybean.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

leadsled said:


> Talked with the W today. She informed me that she now wants 30 days to not even think about our relationship. After the 30 days if she decides it is worth it to her we need to seperate for an additional 6 months. And what am I suppose to do in the meantime? At least she was nice enough to tell me I can see the kids every other weekend. That sure will have no impact on 3 year old twins and a 5 year old. Maybe I am the one who should have been having the EA.


Contact a lawyer and establish a parenting plan. You will hose yourself if you do not protect your interests.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

leadsled said:


> Talked with the W today. She informed me that she now wants 30 days to not even think about our relationship. After the 30 days if she decides it is worth it to her we need to seperate for an additional 6 months. And what am I suppose to do in the meantime? At least she was nice enough to tell me I can see the kids every other weekend. That sure will have no impact on 3 year old twins and a 5 year old. Maybe I am the one who should have been having the EA.



Oh that's very decent of her to let you know that. 

What a treasure she must be. She was "nice enough to let you see the kids every other weekend"? 

Read that last quote back. 

SHE was NICE enough to let YOU see YOUR kids when it SUITS HER. 

No, I don't think so somehow. God, it frustrates me so much to see good, kind, and decent men being treated in such an absymal way, but then to be somehow thankful for it?!?

No mate, seriously, this is messed up. You need to start making your own desicions, desicions that are best for you, not her. Don't let her get away with this blatant abuse of your feelings. Go and seek professional advice and put some power back in your own hands. Please.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Claim some power back inthe relationship, she will respect you for it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get paternity rights. File for them. Seriously, don't let her do that to you or your children. Fight for them...it will make a difference in their lives.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I got to spend some time with my kids this weekend. Wife was kind enough to explain the definition of a separation to me. That didn't stop her from asking me for help all weekend. I haven't seen my kids in over 24 hours now and it is killing me. My son who passed away at 3 would have been 11 today. All I want to do is see my kids and give them a hug and tell them I love them. Last week I was feeling better with things but this week isn't starting off to good.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I can imagine how tough this week has been particularly with your sons birthday. Keep your head up and calmly work on a schedule compromise with your wife to ensure you get to see your kids. They are yours too and you have a right too see them. If she continues to use them as a way to punish you, I would seriously look into a legal separation agreement that stipulates the time sharing.

I have my kids 50/50 during our separation and its still tough on me when I dont have them as I am used to being in their lives every day. Dont give up on that and ensure you get fair time with YOUR children


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Got to.spend the weekend with the kids this weekend and had a great time. Contact between my wife and I has been minimal. I have had my struggles with it but I have been doing ok. Being at the house and sleeping in my bed alone brought back all of the painful feelings. I broke down Saturday and sent my wife a message telling her how much I love her and how we need to make things work for the sake of our family. Like usual I recieved no responce from her which hurt. She did ask me how I was doing by text earlier in the day so I figured if she asks then I might as well tell her. She finally replied on Sunday saying that she was sorry she didn't reply, she isn't tryin to be hurtful or a b?tch, her words not mine. Once she did come home I asked her what she meant. She says she isn't ready to talk about things yet. I told her I was and she didn't seem to care. I then lost it and told her she has no remorse for he EA beside it is what she wanted. She still to this day doesn't understand why it was wrong. I then asked her to show me her messages on her locked phone which she refused to do. I told her if she didn't have anything to hide than she would show me. She says it is none of my business. I need to just realize that it is over and nothing I say or do will change that. I have no control over her happiness. 
Life will go on. I deserve to be happy. Sorry for the rant, I just need to vent.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

So here I am 8 months late and life is still a fiasco. She finally broke down and told me she filed in January, with tears in her eyes. The rollercoster continued. I tried, I cried, I begged and pleaded. Nothing changed just as everyone told me it wouldnt. I moved closer to her so I can have the kids every other week. Dealt with the termoil of my schedule, had to find a new company to work for to accomodate my schedule. Being with the kids more often has helped. Having them cry and beg me to come home nightly has made it hard. Watching my kids cry and knowing there is nothing I can do about it kills me inside. 

I mistakenly took the lack of progress in our divorce as the faint possibility of things working out. We were actually getting along, spending more time together. Went to dinner a few times, hung out with the family like the old days. Then last weekend we talked. Talked about our issues, why we ended up where we are. She took this opportunity to say since I was being civil, she would go ahead and give the paperwork I need to sign to proceed with the divorce. My heart sank, I cried and asked all the ususal questions again. She says she doesnt know why, but she just cant. Says she doesn't deserve to be loved and she isn't worth it. I love her with all my heart and I can let that feeling go.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Some of your experiences are similar to mine. I've been married for 20+ years, two great teenagers for kids, boy and girl. For 18 months I begged, pleaded, and cried to get her to reconcile our relationship. I spent tens of thousands of dollars on counseling, vacations, remodeling the home, a new car, whatever it takes, right? This resulted in comments of "I'm not attracted to you. I don't love you, I'm not trying to be a bi$ch, Doesn't God want me happy, I feel guilty about leaving, and I'm not worthy to be loved." These used to break my heart, now, not so much. She chose to stop counseling and seeking help regarding these issues, and can't make a decision regarding our marriage. This results in emotional limbo, or basically hell on earth for both of us. 

Two months ago I finally got tired of feeling like this. Tired of slamming myself into an unmovable wall to get beat up and bloodied time and time again. Tired of always feeling like I was drowning, or emotionally water-boarded. I finally realized I needed to help her make a decision to get out of this limbo. Due to this she moved out one month ago, with a goal to decide what she wants in six months or less. Just the fact she moved out has relieved huge amounts of tension. Yes I miss her, and my kids when they are away, but I can see through some of this emotional fog. There is a future without her if that is the result and I will be Ok. 

I went out and bought a motorcycle for me, and only me. First thing I've done for myself in almost two years, and what therapy. Since she moved out I've gone 180 and NC unless its kid related. That alone has cleared my head about myself and the future. Yes I brought problems to the marriage but I'm not a bad guy. I'm a human being with flaws, like everyone else. The point is to ID those flaws that are negative and go to work on them. I continue counseling to work on my problems, and work on being a better dad. 

I understand how you feel about feeling you can't let your feelings for her go. I also felt that way, and never in a million years felt I would get to where I am now. I guess what I'm saying is at some point it will get easier. I found I didn't actually let any of my feelings go by sheer will power alone. They just started leaving on their own as I began focusing my attention primarily from her to my kids and myself. Yes I know this sounds impossible right now. The memories and pain are still there, but time will help. I am so sorry to hear about your story. I hope I can encourage you that things will get better, and keep your chin up.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi, leadsled. Sorry to hear of your troubles. Man, I've been there. Grieving period's over, but there are still rough moments. I don't have a lot of time now, but wanted to share the following I'd posted for someone else:

I recommend two books (I've recommended them before, at some point I believe). They are difficult to read at times, but very useful. With the right perspective, these can help:

Coming Apart: Why relationships end & how to live through the ending of yours

Rebuilding - When Your Relationship Ends

Both are essentially how-to books for moving forward. "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" was my kick-in-the-pants book. The two I listed are the roadmap to the other side, as long as you keep your eyes on the prize.

Here's my thread on breaking through the grief and pain. Might be some stuff that helps here. I'll comment more later. Cheers.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/44520-breaking-through-after-grieving-period-progress-so-far.html


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Made the cardinal sin of mistakes this weekend. Put on my happy face and decided to be her friend. Went over to the old house, helped clean up the fire hazard her neglect had caused. Part of me wanted to help to see her responce which she actually greatfully thanked me for. My main reason for for the safety of my kids. Thought things were going well. Took my son out to a game and was greeted with her usual cold unreceptive self upon return. Yes it pissed me off, I know I should have just let it slide but I didnt. Turned into the usual me talking and her sitting there with no emotion or reaction at all. Told her I wasnt ready to be friends, I needed time. The back story to that is the previous week I was doing ok with it all. Told her I was at peace with the divorce which in turn lead to us in a horizontal position. I felt great afterward but of cource had the rush of emotions return.

Sunday went over for M-day at the in-laws who insisted I be there. I actually still get along with them, they have been my biggest suppporters in all this. Still had that gut feeling that something was going on with her. She has repeatedly told me she isnt up to anything, So I snooped. Cracked the lock on her phone that started this whole fiasco the first time. That was a mistake. Found countless messages from randon guys. The majority read the same, started out inocently and progressed from there. I was devistated, brought back all of my anger. Of cource I couldnt keep it to myself so I let her know exactly how I felt. 

The more I thought about it the more I realized how stupid I was for even caring. She has filed, just awaiting the court date. Why should I care? She is entitled to her life. If she wants to live her life that way than who am I to say anything. 

The main thing I learned is why did I even try. She has little to no respect for me and has shown that our marriage and family mean nothing to her. She doesnt want to live her life with someone that isnt accepting of her ways. I dont want to live the rest of my life with someone that has no respect for me. I put 99% of the effort into fixing our marriage for the last year. She has done nothing other thatn to tell me I need to change. Never once has she apologized for her EA nor told me what she is willing to do to make thing different. I have to have enough respect for myself, my kids and my values to let it go. I never wanted this for my kids but it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. I dont want to see her get hurt but she doesn't want me to care anymore so I won't.


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