# seperation and living together is hard work - maybe not a good idea?



## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

Not to get into so much detail (posted already) but this started because I realized my wife had both a PA/EA with one guy and and 6 months later started a EA with a second guy. So, after trying to defend the marriage with the goal of saving it from when I found out about the first guy, she made it clear she didn't want to save it. Hence the second EA. This hurt (a lot) but I eventually I came to the conclusion that I don't want to be in a relationship with her if she's not going to be in it to win either. 

Once this was decided I took the initiative. I guess first out of anger, "You don't want to be married to me? Fine, I'm going to divorce you!" and I started researching what our options were and took the initiative. 

Financially, we thought we couldn't afford to separate and/or divorce. She's been the only constant worker while I have my own small business. So I've been the stay at home dad with my work always taking the back seat. She has health insurance and I had my prostate removed because it became cancerous. I'm healthy now, but having insurance is pretty vital. So legal separation seems like the plan.

I started seeing a IC last year which helped me become aware something was wrong with our marriage and the ultimate discovery. My Dr. diagnosed me with Inattentive ADHD, and I have to say this realization has opened my eyes about myself and a lot of problems I've had as a child and adult. I've been taking Ritilan for months and I've been able to increase my business revenue by 300% per month over month for a few months now. 

Still after a month of deciding on separation, it's only me taking the initiative. I know this is kinda petty, but I'm frustrated since she started this whole thing that I'm the only one that is present and actively moving this forward. 

Originally, I wrote a HUGE manifesto of goals and ideas on what I would like our separation and divorce look like and how in a best case could play out for our children, etc. We're talking charts and graphs. It took a couple days to get done. Her response was basically, "Ditto that! Thanks."

We are both seeing a MC (again, my doing). The intention was to work on our present separation relationship so we don't get toxic and mess up our children, or mess them up as little as possible. I originally didn't want to talk about the past but focus on the present relationship. But the therapist said that was a bad idea, and after thinking about it I see why. My wife is harboring past feelings and grudges. I have tried only to talk about present relationship issues. But its clear my wife wants to talk about past issues. 

The thing that pisses me off is, when I play back the tape of these issues in my mind. We made the decisions as partners, and now she's squarely placing the blame on me. I thought these were our choices? 

[Rant]She said she's afraid I might hurt her because during a family dinner I threw a glass of milk at her. The counselor gave me the pi$$iest look. I've never hit my wife, and I never will. This was stupid and out of character for me. This was at the time I knew about her second EA and hadn't confronted her. I was seriously pi$$ed off and on edge. She had started this bad habit of not being present when she was with us. She's there, but not really there. Like she has a better place to go to, but biding her time. What set me off was she placed a insanely hot plate of food (450 F) I just took out of the oven and set it in front of our youngest child. This was literally right after I said to her as I handed her the plate, "Let's switch this to this plate I have here so nobody touches it." /Rant]

Counseling is not exactly what I thought what we agreed it to be. I think it's going to take time to get the separation relationship as we muddle through past grievances. My wife seems to want to justify her behavior. But the counselor is helping introduce some of my concerns. I've made it clear that separation to me means a totally different set of rules. I feel this choice has consequences. But its clear my wife kinda thinks this was going to business as usual. Which is so frick'n bizarre. She says things like we might be living together for 5 or more years. Seriously, WTH? Like, I want to wallow in this forever? 

We both get along fine as co-parents. We never really fought too much in the first place, and never physically, less the one milk launching incident. Part of the goals were to be positive and respectful, which we have been. We're parents, but not partners. 

I made a goal to not spy on her after the 1st guy, but she got weird again, so I found out about the second guy. I never told anyone about these affairs, except my Dr. and our MC. I made a conscious choice not to do this now that we've agree to separate. But I can tell she feels I'm watching her every move. I'm not, but I can't help react to this weird behavior. Its kinda comical in a way. Spy vs. Spy, but no second Spy. 

I guess I have done the 180 as much as I can while living under the same roof. I did a bunch without evening knowing about the 180, but now I actively consult the punch list. Not in the hopes of saving the marriage, but to get some semblance of my life/sanity back. This has been helpful.

After this last session with the MC I made another conscious decision. I don't want to be angry anymore. I did blow up because I felt she wasn't taking the separation as seriously and the irony of it all. Being angry is too consuming, on many levels, but its really hard most of the time to take the positive road. 

I guess where my head is at this moment is, I don't know I can live under the same roof with her anymore. I don't think I have the strength to do it. I really want this to work as best as it can. But dang. If she's going to be aloof, the whole time. I just don't know. 

Sorry, this post ended in a totally different direction than I intended. Not sure what I'm asking, or looking for. Just needed to get this out.

Here's some things that have been helpful that I'm keeping in my personal development toolbox as I go through this journey.

1) *You have the power to choose your response.* Between stimulus and response there is a space of time. With practice you can increase this space so you can play out many reactions and find the one that is right for your peace of mind. This is from the Seven Habits book. 

2) *Its not what you say or do, but how you feel.* An old mentor used to say this and it took me a LONG time to finally understand this. Basically, as long as you feel good about what you did or said, that's the ticket in life. If something is bothering you, its probably because you said or did something that you really regretted. So, don't do those things.

3) *Area of concern vs. area of influence.* Another Seven Habits. You can only change things you directly control. Many people get caught up in worrying about things they can't control. When in fact when you focus on things you can control, you inadvertently can influence change in others. This is what the 180 is about. You can't change you're spouse, but changing yourself can influence them to change.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

You aren't going to be able to "get" her to do anything so you should face that and decide what you will do independent of her. Then find a way to fund your plan.


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

Yes. I agree. She's not going to take the initiative and need to do what I feel is right for me and our daughters. 

I think she's just realizing her actions have ramifications. 

For example. I've already hired a gardener and house cleaner to come in so I can get more time to work on my business. She was upset because I didn't ask her and she feels this is money we don't have. However, I need my time too. Especially now. 

For me, I don't want to be an a**hole, but at the same time, if I'm not plowing ahead without her things will not get done. The key is how to move and make changes that will affect her without being a jerk about it. 

I'm trying not to be emotional about this stuff, but its hard. I'm looking to hire a nanny as well. I know this is going to be really a big shock, but choices have consequences. 




VLR said:


> You aren't going to be able to "get" her to do anything so you should face that and decide what you will do independent of her. Then find a way to fund your plan.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

If your posting tells the whole story you would be within your rights to offer your wife two options:
a) Be partners in this marriage with trustworthy behavior and communication as equals or 
b) You will do what you need to do in light of the fact that she has clearly chosen to move on with her life.

She can not have it both ways. Either she wants you or she wants someone else. You aren't going to pretend to be married on decisions around the house if she isn't going to be married when it comes to who she sleeps with.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I went through that BS too, my ex asking me to ride it out until our daughter graduated from high school while she continued her PA. I was "allowed" to get a girlfriend, but we'd all act like one big happy family. No dice. What kind of woman would fall for a scheme like that? It's cake-eating plain and simple. OF COURSE she wants that. She's already been doing it. What you want is never even considered by her. So it's time YOU consider it.


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