# So stupid, but getting wiser....



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Started a new thread because it has a different focus...and question...

Quick recap: separated now two weeks, I have anger issues ( am in counseling for that now) never physically abusive but was verbally. She started the separation for anger but found out she fell in love with a mutual friend about a year ago (no doubt my anger didn't help). 

New news: she let our friend know how she feels and he flat out rejected her and was extremely uncomfortable about it. Several people have told me about their argument over it so believe it is true. I have acted in the dark however to spare her any more pain. 

I have read so much on this website and am currently reading the book "strong fathers, strong daughters" because I have a 4.5yr little girl that I want to be the best dad to. I highly recommend this book by the way even if you don't have a daughter, if you are male it is eye opening. 

So. Reading this book and hundreds of threads it has confirmed for me that I am a total idiot, had no idea what my wife needed or how damaging my anger was. I have no excuses but I truly lived in darkness about it. 

In reading the posts from women on this sight they show all the signs I am seeing with my wife now and it is so frequent and similar I guess it must be an evolutionary reaction at some point.

My question is simple, I am going to work on me and my issues regardless but am beginning to think that the best thing I can do now is walk away and push the big D, would it give her more peace. Reading those wanting to reconcile with verbal abusers is quite painful to read and at this point I think she deserves better. Regardless of any retaliatory steps she has taken toward me, I don't think I can blame her. Can a women truly bounce back from that kind of hurt?

I would take her back in a heartbeat but seriously question if that is what's best. Would love to hear thoughts, suggestions, advice...especially from women who may have experienced this first hand. 

Thank you in advance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am sure that there are some women who can bounce back. But that only happens when the husband makes real, permanent changes.

It takes a long time to prove that you have changed and that they are permanent. It would take a long time for her to trust you. What's a long time? At least a year.

Are you in counseling?

There are some guys here (1 or 2) who were able to do that and are still married. So I guess their wives were able to.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I am in counseling, attending an anger group and reading voraciously about my problems and lack of coping skills. I grew up around a decent amount of violence and so never thought an argument could be abusive because it wasn't physical - stupid clue number two. It comes from my own mechanism, you can call me anything you want and the next morning it will be like it didn't happen to me, because compared to physical damage it is minor in my eyes. Clearly not for most people. 

I will give her space and time but am now also considering what is right, suppose that decision can be left for later.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

McDean- wish you all the luck. I am exactly the same, you can do whatever you want to me but next day (or even in a couple of hours) I am totally fine. Correspondingly, I used to pick an argument over stupid things, argue a bit, get the tension up, and forget about the whole argument in a few hours. Apparently this is not true for most other folks out there. And as I figured out recently (wife is leaving), I need to be told multiple times for advice to have an effect. So I am glad you are doing all the things right (counseling, reading up) before it's too late.

I can tell you what my ex-wife told me and what I should have done but did not do. I did listen to her but did not hear what she was really saying to me. She also wanted to see the change. She was not interested in reassurances but wanted to see some action such as counseling or just more patience with her family. And of course I blew up many times, especially when not being sure about the whole effort/relationship. But these efforts will make a stronger person in either case.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I wish you luck in your personal struggles. Your recovery needs to be done for you, to make you a better person. Don't look at your wife as a prize to win back, that's demeaning (I don't think that's what you intended).

Any growth you can achieve in your anger management will undoubtedly allow you to become a more loving, emotionally responsible father to your daughter. That is an attractive trait to many mothers. But her walls are up and there is no guarantee they will come down.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Appreciate the feedback! No question her walls are up, but am focusing on becoming the best version of myself I can...for me, for my daughter and ultimately that may lead to something better with my wife or someone else...way way down the line however.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Just read some of the threads on pulling a 180...definitely think that is my best move at this point.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

McDean said:


> Started a new thread because it has a different focus...and question...
> 
> Quick recap: separated now two weeks, I have anger issues ( am in counseling for that now) never physically abusive but was verbally. She started the separation for anger but found out she fell in love with a mutual friend about a year ago (no doubt my anger didn't help).
> 
> ...


No, she cannot bounce back from it. She can heal from it, slowly, if you truly show remorse and go to counselling and change your actions.

Your words are not enough, you have to shower her and your daughter with love and understanding, and never verbally abuse her again.

Yes I've been there first hand, we were separated for 1 year and on the brink of divorce because of his verbal/emotional abuse when we were together. But he did not sign the divorce papers and instead begged me to give him another chance and that things have changed. I told him I'd believe it when I see it...but am giving him this chance to show me.

Anger is destructive to a marriage when you don't let it out in a healthy way. Screaming/yelling is verbal abuse and it hurts just like a physical punch to the gut would. It takes time to heal. Assuming she even wants to forgive you and/or loves you.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I can see now that, to a loved one, the choice of angry words might as well have been fists given the damage they do. I wish I had understood sooner the power of the words I was using, guess it would have helped for me to consider I used the same words before I would get into a scrap growing up, and that was someone I didnt like at all. See, stupid but I am starting to get the picture.


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