# Need a man's viewpoint, please



## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

Gentlemen, please help. I would very much like to share my situation and welcome any comments or suggestions. So, here goes...
I have been married for 28 years and was very comfortable with my marriage and myself until last April. My husband had become increasingly unhappy and uncommunicative. I had suspected for some time that he was depressed, but he refused to get help. Then one day in April, about a week before our anniversary, he told me he thought he wanted to be single again. I was taken completely by surprise. He had taken two trips out of town alone recently, to see his old childhood friend. These two things combined made me suspect an affair, so I started looking for answers. What I discovered was a telephone relationship with an old female friend that had been going on for over a year without my knowledge. Needless to say I demanded the truth and I eventually got it. There had been no physical affair (I am 99% certain of that), but in my opinion he was emotionally cheating on me, not to mention deceptive and secretive. He seemed to think he hadn't really done anything wrong, but claimed he understood why I felt the way I did. He apologized, got help with the depression, and we moved on. But here we are 8 months later, and I still think about it a lot. I find myself now very insecure about things such as my weight, the effects of aging, etc. I need and want him to understand what he has done to me but I don't want to bring up the past. I would like reassurance from him that he really does love me the same as always, but I am not sure what it would take or how to ask for it. Can anyone help? I am 52 and he is 59.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Nonnie, no mysterious wisdom for you here. I will however repeat the obvious, which sadly while obvious should prove helpful nevertheless.

1) Work on reconnecting with your husband. Spend more time with him, and not in front of a tv, but quality time.
2) Give thought to how he specifically likes to be loved and love him that way, not necessarily the way you feel comfortable loving him.
3) Develop a mutual interest.
4) Treat him like a friend...your best friend, and soon he will be.
5) Treat him like your lover, his only lover, and soon he will be that as well.
6) Get in the habbit of going before God together as husband and wife.
7) Finally, forgive him. This means NOT bringing this up again. Don't forget, it wouldn't be wise to do so, but trust that he won't forget as well. He'll likely wear this on his soul as a "badge of shame" for the rest of his life, so there is no need for you to repeatedly "tack" this badge on. It will stick well enough on its own.

Sorry, nothing revolutionary here. The difficult thing is seldom knowing what to do nonnie, it's actually doing it. LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Now THAT is great advice. 





lastinline said:


> Nonnie, no mysterious wisdom for you here. I will however repeat the obvious, which sadly while obvious should prove helpful nevertheless.
> 
> 1) Work on reconnecting with your husband. Spend more time with him, and not in front of a tv, but quality time.
> 2) Give thought to how he specifically likes to be loved and love him that way, not necessarily the way you feel comfortable loving him.
> ...


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

Thank you. I will take your words of advice to heart.


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

LIL, 
I would like to commend you on how well you have supported and strengthened others as they have faced turmoil in their relationships. What impresses me is the fact that you've been able to do this with a heart of compassion and a clear head in spite of your own situation. ( I've read your thread but chose not to reply with any advice because I didn't think I had any worth giving) You're a good man and you're a credit to those you've supported on this forum, your friends and beleive it or not ... your family.
May God keep and continue to strengthen you. 

Justgluit


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

lol, thanks, I think. But I am a woman.


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

OOPS, now I see, you weren't writing to me, sorry. (Now I'm emabarrased)


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

I'm guessing LIL is a minister. Sounds like a minister's advice. That is meant in the nicest way LIL.


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Nonnie,
Don't be embarrassed. I apologize for causing the misunderstanding. I just thought I'd give LIL a "pat on the back."
I have something to say to you as well. 
First of all, I agree with the advice posted by LIL. I beleive it will help restore your relationship with your husband. However, I think that working on restoring YOU (your self esteem) is a neccessity also. This experience has made you question yourself physically as well as your self worth. Don't become a victim of criticisms that you've raised against yourself. Reassurances from your husband are very much needed. However, some of that reassurance should come from YOU.
Keep in mind that your husband's emotional affair was not his salvation, it was his mistake. For what it's worth, he cheated on a darn -good woman. HAVING A FORGIVING WIFE WAS HIS SALVATION! My prayer is that both you and your marriage grow stronger.

Justgluit


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry nonnie, I am not a minister. I fix bodies not souls. Good luck nevertheless with yours. It will heal. Give it time. LIL


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I find myself now very insecure about things such as my weight, the effects of aging, etc. I need and want him to understand what he has done to me but I don't want to bring up the past. I would like reassurance from him that he really does love me the same as always, but I am not sure what it would take or how to ask for it. Can anyone help? I am 52 and he is 59.


Did you two have counseling? I agree with most of what LIL said, but you may need some extra help with the "forgiving" part. Maybe start with some counseling for yourself and see if the therapist recommends some marital counseling. If you don't confront the issues that lead to his EA in the first place (which involved some break down in the marriage), then you haven't done all the work that needs to go into repairing the marriage. I suspect you are uncertain about what really lead him to make the choice he did to deceive you as he did. That uncertainty has you questioning yourself, and probably not truly trusting him, either. Apologies are necessary but not sufficient to putting this behind you. You may need to tell him that you are feeling uncertain about what really lead to the EA and are suffering from some self-esteem issues b/c of it. If you don't confront this, you will change and maybe in ways that will eventually interfere with the marriage being truly successful. Best of luck and I hope you find the peace of mind you are seeking and deserve.


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

Just and Sisters, you are both right. I do need to work on myself, and yes, I have trouble believing him now when he says he loves me, and the hurt is just not going away. I have an appointment after the first of the year with a doctor to discuss weight loss and other health issues. I have tried counseling, but am very uncomfortable discussing private matters face to face. Somehow, talking to strangers online is easier. We did talk for some time last night about all this and, without directly bringing it up, he does realize my fears, and that his EA is the cause. He tried to reassure me, but I just keep feeling that his reassurances are half-hearted. I will continue to be a good wife to him. I have no desire to be alone, or with anyone else, so basically, our future is in his hands at the moment. Thank you all for your input. It has been very helpful to know what others think of all this.


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## MikeMitchell (Jan 15, 2010)

Nonnie,

I think I can help provide you some insight on this as most of us have been in a situation similar to this in some respect. I'm just speaking from the heart so if anything I say offends or doesn't sit well with you, know that it is not my intention. All I can offer is honestly and I hope you can accept that.

1. First and foremost, you have to understand that what happened is in the past and nothing will change that. If you don't believe that you could ever let it go, then you won't and you'll only hold in all of the emotion inside you which will only make matters worse.

So #1, get clear on whether you are able to move on or not. If not, then there is no point in staying in a relationship like this because neither you nor your husband will benefit. You will only be holding each other back.

2. I thought this was an interesting quote...



> I need and want him to understand what he has done to me but I don't want to bring up the past. I would like reassurance from him that he really does love me the same as always, but I am not sure what it would take or how to ask for it.


Understand that although you are in a relationship, you are still your own person. Anytime we need reassurance it is because we are insecure. But you have to understand that this insecurity is not your husband's fault. It is something inside you. You have to accept this and are willing to work on yourself.

3. Most people don't understand this and it can be hard to swallow. But the truth of the matter is that this is only your perception of the circumstance. 

It is really no different than him going behind your back to buy you flowers or jewelry. The only difference is that your perception of flowers and jewelry are positive. I highly doubt that your husband did what he did because he intended to hurt you.

4. What is the difference between what he did and what you are doing here on this forum? Are you not getting your emotional needs met by relating to others here? But talking on a forum is considered more socially acceptable than talking to a past acquaintance of the opposite sex.

The truth is that it you both are getting your emotional needs met in two ways that are not much different.

5. This is the biggie. You need to get real clear on what "love" really is and figure out if you do in fact "love" your husband.

I'm not talking about the typical socially acceptable type of love either.

True love is acceptance. When you can truly accept someone for who they are, no matter what their faults are then that is true love. True love is unconditional, no ifs ands or buts.

So if you truly love him, you will be able to accept the fact that your husband was not getting his emotional needs met and he tried to get them met elsewhere. And you can learn and grow from this. 

Here is something I get many people to do and you will be amazed at what happens...

1. Sympathize with your husband and recognize that he has emotional needs that are not being met.

2. Ask him face to face, "How do you want to be loved?"

You would might be surprised what you get out of him. And if you're smart and you want it to work, then you'll start doing exactly what he tells you because that is how you can help him meet his own emotional needs.

And you should do the same and tell him exactly how you want to be loved so he can return the favor.

Let us know how it goes.

P.S. - With respect to your weight. On a metaphysical level, being overweight is a sign that you are unwilling to let go of things. You internalize them and hold them inside.

You might want to do a little soul searching and figure out what you are holding on to and then learn to let them go. Unfortunately we live in a society where we are taught to internalize our emotions.

If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream then scream. You'll find that you'll feel much better when you do.

Much Love!

-Mike
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