# Going a month on the silent treatment......



## kagomepears (Jun 23, 2012)

My husband built up resentment over the course of our near 10 year marriage, mostly related to sex and "not feeling alive". He is naturally a depressed person....Anyways, we have had a lot of stress over the past few years and he cracked and said "im sick of you and want a divorce." 


He basically feels unloved, but won't let me get close to him...If we talk, he complains there's nothing more...If I touch him he groans and pulls away...I don't know what he wants?!! He is acting like a pouting child.

Its been over a month now and he basically goes through all kinds of mood swings, ranging from hate to infatuation with me. He won't talk to me about anything he is feeling. He hides on his computer listening to music videos all day.

He barely talks to me, one hi in the morning and then he waits for me to take him to lunch. He doesn't talk outside of those two basic things and Its basically torture. I don't have any family or friends where we live so I have nowhere to go at the moment. Is this emotional abuse? How should I respond? He basically doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, he says words are just talk he wants to feel...ok but how can I fix the marriage if we can't communicate effectively...I don't know what to do, I am basically remaining calm, focusing on myself, and returning the silence...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So what has been the problem with sex over the past ten years of your marriage?


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## kagomepears (Jun 23, 2012)

I feel we got married to soon, we started off as really good friends and it was always hard to get into sex for me because we rushed marriage and I had a stressful job which left me tired all the time. That part of our life has basically failed, we ended up as roommates the past few years...though I feel there is love still there..


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

If he is depressed, not a lot is going to get through to him until he deals with it.

I would say try to keep in perspective that it seems like your two biggest enemies are depression and resentment. Those are hard things to work through. Could you try counseling?

One other thing to ask yourself - if the depression and resentment were to resolve themselves, do you want a sexual relationship with your H, or are you better off just friends? Take some time to step back and think what would be best for all concerned.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

kagomepears said:


> I feel we got married to soon, we started off as really good friends and it was always hard to get into sex for me because we rushed marriage and I had a stressful job which left me tired all the time. That part of our life has basically failed, we ended up as roommates the past few years...though I feel there is love still there..


What would happen if you suggested the two of you be intimate? Is that something you're even willing to do?


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## kagomepears (Jun 23, 2012)

hes pretty much given up on intimacy..he has basically shut me out of his life without me being able to say anything. We seem to be in a rut where we want more but are so stuck in friend mode we can't break it, can't figure out how to change it without being weird..I try but he thinks I am teasing him or that I actually don't love him. Now hes just shut down completely. I can tell he is holding a lot inside but won't share.


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## kagomepears (Jun 23, 2012)

I have respected his decision to divorce and I told him I understand, I told him I love him but he basically doesn't feel I do. Even though I said we can remain friends he seems too hurt to want that....


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

this sounds like clinical depression or bipolar disorder. If he hasn't already, he needs to get into a good mental health professional.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

kagomepears said:


> I feel we got married to soon, we started off as really good friends and it was always hard to get into sex for me because we rushed marriage and I had a stressful job which left me tired all the time. That part of our life has basically failed, we ended up as roommates the past few years...though I feel there is love still there..


You not getting into sex pushed him away so he removed intimacy all together... the source of his unhappiness....

his mindset could be "Instead of having sex with someone not into it, I'll take it off the table all together."

Do you both a favor... get help or divorce.... set you both free.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

kagomepears said:


> I feel we got married to soon, we started off as really good friends and it was always hard to get into sex for me because we rushed marriage and I had a stressful job which left me tired all the time. That part of our life has basically failed, we ended up as roommates the past few years...though I feel there is love still there..


I`m going to be brutally honest with you.

The tired all the time/stressed excuse is just that..an excuse.
It`s bull****, sex is a stress reliever and NOBODY is "tired all the time"

It`s an excuse not to do what you didn`t want to do in the first place.
You don`t hold a romantic love for your husband and you never did.

Did he spend ten years dealing with your rejections?
Have you any clue what that does to a persons sense of self?

He`s done nothing more than protect himself from the pain you cause him.

Give him his divorce and let him find a woman who wants a husband, not a brother.

You`ve wasted a decade of his life, don`t waste any more of it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jenniferswe said:


> this sounds like clinical depression or bipolar disorder. If he hasn't already, he needs to get into a good mental health professional.


Her husband will be fine just as soon as he meets a woman who actually desires him sincerely.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm with tacoma on this one.

"I want to feel" = "I need touch to feel loved." He know your attitude is that sex with him is and always will be a "failure" to use your word. 

He's right to feel that you're just teasing him when you "try" to go there, because you're not doing it out of real interest. You're doing it to manipulate him into complacency.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree... its' time for you two to move on. He's hurt and does not trust you with is emotions.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

kagomepears said:


> hes pretty much given up on intimacy..he has basically shut me out of his life without me being able to say anything. We seem to be in a rut where we want more but are so stuck in friend mode we can't break it, can't figure out how to change it without being weird..I try but he thinks I am teasing him or that I actually don't love him. Now hes just shut down completely. I can tell he is holding a lot inside but won't share.


Have you thought about sex therapy? Do YOU even want to be intimate with him? If you don't and you have no desire to make that happen, your H won't be loving towards you. 

I do believe that intimacy is a basic need. And I need that to feel as close as I do to my H. If we go longer than a week, I do feel a slight disconnect from him. Your H probably feels completely disconnected from you, given the duration of the lack of intimacy in your marriage. 

I think you have two responsible choices, divorce or try to get that intimacy back.


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## kagomepears (Jun 23, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice. 

I would love to be intimate with him but he doesn't trust me anymore or is having some kind of crisis, hes reaching 40. We were fine before we got married, we moved as we got married 3000 miles away and I changed religions at the same time so I got overwhelmed and it killed the spark for me at that time. He felt rejected after the wedding and since then he has withheld affection towards me which further killed my desire. 

We've been living as best friends basically since, I had a bad job where I worked opposite hours of him and never saw him for almost 5 years and we were always tired..the economy really dragged us down. 

Now that our problems are gone I have been starting to feel again but hes pretty much hurt and untrusting. I get that it might be too little too late, but I just wish I could show him how I feel in a way that he would believe. I guess you could say its like "he always loved me" and I grew to love him slowly and never understood it. Yes this is a strangelove. 

Hes obviously grieving ALOT and I wish I could show him how I feel but our relationship is so akward now and he won't get counseling. Its frustrating to say the least, I've already agreed to the divorce....but he still seems unsatisfied.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

kagomepears said:


> I feel we got married to soon, we started off as really good friends and it was always hard to get into sex for me because we rushed marriage and I had a stressful job which left me tired all the time. That part of our life has basically failed, we ended up as roommates the past few years...though I feel there is love still there..


Uuuhh...I'm pretty sure I can tell you why he's pissed off and resentful.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

jenniferswe said:


> this sounds like clinical depression or bipolar disorder. If he hasn't already, he needs to get into a good mental health professional.


It just sounds like a guy who got tired of being rejected every night by his wife to me.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This whole thread sounds exactly like the past 10 years of my marriage and the way I dealt with it. Now my wife is blaming me for "leaving her" emotionally and saying it caused all our problems. Really? Ten years of a sexless marriage and you can't understand why I was depressed or emotionally disconnected from you? You robbed me of not only a sex life, but of affection and love. Bitter and resentful? That was me until I recently made a choice not to be. I've not made it clear this either gets fixed or it doesn't but I can't live another year this way. I won't emotionally survive it. I'm doing my part now. And she either will do hers or she won't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I can't believe people would tolerate this for 10 years  I'm glad you got out, Drover....that's no way to live.

The silent treatment would be a dealbreaker for me too. Either fix it or get out. This limbo is lame. Why waste more time?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I can't believe people would tolerate this for 10 years  I'm glad you got out, Drover....that's no way to live.
> 
> The silent treatment would be a dealbreaker for me too. Either fix it or get out. This limbo is lame. Why waste more time?


Eh, not out yet. Just finally making a last stand. We'll see...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kagomepears said:


> I would love to be intimate with him but he doesn't trust me anymore or is having some kind of crisis, hes reaching 40. *We were fine before we got married, we moved as we got married 3000 miles away and I changed religions at the same time so I got overwhelmed and it killed the spark for me at that time. He felt rejected after the wedding and since then he has withheld affection towards me which further killed my desire.*


Ummm... what? Ok, I can see how a 3000 mile move can overwhelm someone. I can see how it can cause issues FOR A SHORT TIME after the wedding. But not years. 

Religion change... how can that be blamed for you lack of "spark" as you put it? If you are having sex with your husband, how in the world does religion play into that at all? That makes no sense to me. 

Honestly, it seems like you are grasping at straws to come up with excuses for lack of intimacy. Based on your posts, it appears it was choices you made which led to it. Now, you have agreed to divorce him. If he is still unhappy, maybe it's because he is feeling he has wasted 10 years with a woman who never truly loved him the way he deserves. I apologize if that is not the case. If you truly DO love him, not just as your friend, but as he deserves his WIFE to love him, then FIGHT to save the marriage. Don't just sit back like you have the last 10 years... actually WORK on it. Get into counseling. Whatever it takes. Otherwise, cut him loose.


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## kagomepears (Jun 23, 2012)

Well I was also going through clinical depression at the time which didn't help. He was always negative about alot of things which made my depression worse. Im not sure what happened with our relationship...I love him as a person but his negativity brought be down hard and it was hard for me to ever get in a loving mood.


He was free to leave at any time but he stayed on his own will...

How can I make an effort fix a situation like this? He wont go to counseling, wont let me touch him and barely talks to me. Any suggestions???? Just walk out tomorrow? I don't feel like this is all my fault here.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Wow... just . . . wow.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

kagomepears said:


> Hes obviously grieving ALOT and I wish I could show him how I feel but our relationship is so akward now and he won't get counseling. Its frustrating to say the least, I've already agreed to the divorce....but he still seems unsatisfied.


My guess is that he still loves you and really doesn't want a divorce, but he sees no real alternative.

If you zap a mouse with electricity every time he bites into the cheese, he'll start to steer clear of the cheese. The mouse still likes cheese but he's been hurt to many times to eat it.

I don't know how much chance you really have for this one. You would somehow have to completely re-invent yourself while at the same time giving him space to observe it at the same time. It doesn't sound like he's going to give you enough time to un-do the resentment that's built up over the years.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

kagomepears said:


> . Im not sure what happened with our relationship...


Really? Based on what you've said so far, I think even Stevie Wonder can tell you what he sees wrong in your relationship. 

-Years of sexual rejection from you 
-Lack of time spent together when you worked a different schedule from his
-Lack of emotional intimacy
-You had to grow to love him versus him loving you from the start
-No romantic love from you to him

The first three things, each one alone, will damage a marriage.

Honestly I feel sorry for him. He didn't deserve all the things you dished out. I'm glad you agreed to the divorce. Let him find a woman who will love him (sexually and emotionally) the way he deserves. And you should do some counseling for yourself to figure out how to not return to the same patterns in your next relationship.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

One of the few times in 2 years I am REALLY tempted to print out a thread and give it to my wife to read.


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