# sexless marriage



## kristina123 (Aug 11, 2015)

I need a guys help and advice. I'm 29 female living in a sexless marriage and I'm miserable. So my husband and I always had a pretty good sex life. I got pregnant with our 2nd child and everything changed. When i got pregnant my husband told me he didn't want to have sex anymore. It was too weird for him. So i didn't argue with him about it just kind of went with the flow. it made me feel so ****ty and ugly and fat my whole pregnancy. but i just went with it. MY baby was born and my husbands new excuse was we had to wait 6 weeks as per dr orders after a birth. OK. 6 weeks later, his new excuses was i needed birth control, ok. I got on birth control and now his new excuse is he work over nights and we don't have time. We have plenty of time. He leaves for work at 930PM and my baby and kids are in bed sleeping by 7pm. He has nothing but excuses. Here we are 2 yrs after i conceived our 2nd child. and nothing but excuses from his mouth. What man doesn't want sex with his wife. he doesn't have any desire at all. I finally said **** it and made a move on him 2 months ago and he couldn't even get hard or perform. WTF 2 years no sex n he can't get HARD?!?!? something is wrong. Well i found out he been watching porn and jerking off to it. I think he has a porn addictions. I didn't know about it until a few months ago. I saw it in his history and confronted him he said it was normal blah blah. I told him i wasn't comforatble with it for many reason and ONE being he doesn't have sex with me, And if its because of porm there is a problem. WELL. he promised not to watch it anymore. 3 months later i see his history again and all the porn. He says sorry and he needs help. 2 years and we still haven't had sex. I NEED INTIMACY with my husband. i don't feel loved or connected to him at all! What is going on???? what do you guys think? I honestly think its porn addictions. that or he's cheating.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Have you told him this is a deal breaker yet? You can't nice your way through an issue like this. Also, you may want to move this to the SIM board. Plenty of sexless marriage help to be had there.


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## kristina123 (Aug 11, 2015)

yes i told him i cant be in a sexless marriage and i need intimacy. he said ok. this was 3 months ago


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Good, he needs to know he has to meet this basic need of a marriage or it will be over. It's not a "put out or get out" threat, just a simple fact that a marriage needs intimacy and affection to survive. A couple of good basic books on identifying and learning to meet each others needs are The 5 Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs. You may want to go through those with him. It sounds like he needs to understand a lot more about your needs.

He said he needed help. Has he done so? Have you pushed him to do so? I'm no expert on serious porn addictions, others may be more help here. Sounds like it's time to get him into counseling. So far you've been doing well in being patient and trying to help, keep up the good work and keep up the pressure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kristina123 said:


> yes i told him i cant be in a sexless marriage and i need intimacy. he said ok. this was 3 months ago


It seems that you are not going to get a lot of responses here in the Men's Clubhouse forum. I think you'd do better if your thread was moved to General Relationship Discussion. Let me know if you are ok with it being moved and I'll do that in the morning.

What you are going through is not all that unusual. We've been told that men want sex all the time. We'll that's not true for a good number of men. Men are as likely to chose to make their marriage sexless as women are. About 20% of marriages are sexless (sex 10 or fewer times a year.) Half of those are because the husband does not want sex. Here is a book no the topic.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Myths About Sexless Marriage


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

It appears you had a reasonable sex life before. He may have the Madonna/***** complex where some men can't see their wives as healthy sex partners. His use of porn would be consistent with that. 

First, I would not push as you have been. With both men and women, distance yourself. Wear some nice clothes. Perhaps you can slow with some hugs are the like. Ultimately he may need counseling to address his dysfunctional views of women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any real suspicions that he might be having an affair? Does he keep his cell phone private? Is it password protected? Does he keep it on him at all times? Does he spend much free time away from work and/or home?

If you do not think it's an affair, then porn sounds like it's the problem. It becoming a pretty common problem.

There are things that can be done to get your sex life back on track. They do require that your husband be willing to participate. Here are some links that should help you learn more about what the problem is and what needs to be done.

Your Brain On Porn

Porn Changes the Brain

Since your husband has not done anything to address the issue, even though you told him your take on things, I think it's time to lay it on the line for him.

My suggestion is that you have a talk with him and tell him that either he goes to a doctor for a full check up to include hormone levels checked, goes to a marriage counselor for 6 - 12 months and he works to being the sex back into your marriage... or you will file for divorce. If you do this you have to be ready to file if he does not act on it.

Before you tell him this, line up a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist who understands internet porn addiction and how to get a person off the porn and back into real life loving with their wife.

Once that's set up... have to talk. 

I wish you luck. I hop he's just lost at how to turn this around but willing to work on it.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

It sounds like he developed some kind of aversion at thagbparticular point and it's been heavily compounded and sustained by his porn usage. Just the impression I get. Some guys can feel funny or have mixed feelings about seeing their wifebin a sexual way after they have kids. Not that that's your fault, it's something that he would need to work throug . It's sad that he is not willing to talk about it openly or get help or see it as a problem and it seems the porn is maskingbhis real issues. 

I would highly recommend counselling. In that setting he will more likely become open and more likely to share his real feelings and start taking some responsibility


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I am not sure what you mean sex being too weird. It sounds like he has some aversion to it. Your idea of 'forcing' him wont work. I suppose the porn is the result of his aversion not the cause. 
Unless you can get him on here to discuss the matter you will have to send him to counselling. I dont think you mention counselling in your post is there any reason for this.
Apart from the sex issue do you have any other problems. Did you also work in the past. You dont mention his age although you do your own. You finish saying 'he is cheating' Do you really believe that.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Did you look at any of the porn in his history? Did it have any women in it or just men?


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

afab said:


> You finish saying 'he is cheating' Do you really believe that.


I think this situation is slightly "weird" to steal his phrase, that there was no "weirdness" during your first pregnancy, but pregnant again and he is apparently completely turned off.
Porn addiction is a likely candidate, as is some variation of the Madonna/***** complex, but there may be other underlying factors too.

Was he totally on board with this pregnancy? Is he worried about other things ie being able to provide for two children long term? Does he resent you for "railroading" him into another pregnancy? Had he just got "normality" back and he was forced down the baby route again? Is he under pressure in his career and the last thing he needed was another baby?
I guess voicing horror or upset over new babies, is not seen as very adult and PC, especially if there is a lot of societal or family pressure exerted to "make babies". 
He is perhaps showing his annoyance or upset or anger over this pregnancy by withholding sex and by withholding sex there is no opportunity to make any more babies, so there may be method in his madness.

Of course, IF he is cheating here, he won't be the first man to have started straying when his wife was pregnant, unfortunately.


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## dearhubby (Aug 11, 2015)

The only quick solution I can think of is - would you be willing to watch some porn with him to help his "performance"? I don't do it by myself but I know few couples that do it and they are some of the most normal people I know. It could be a good way to make your sex life less boring but most important get it back. Ask him what he likes to watch and if he can do a wife-friendly list which is not too hardcore and then just watch it together and see what happens. Don't expect miracles but might help.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

dearhubby said:


> The only quick solution I can think of is - would you be willing to watch some porn with him to help his "performance"? I don't do it by myself but I know few couples that do it and they are some of the most normal people I know. It could be a good way to make your sex life less boring but most important get it back. Ask him what he likes to watch and if he can do a wife-friendly list which is not too hardcore and then just watch it together and see what happens. Don't expect miracles but might help.


If he indeed has a porn addiction and the Erectile Dysfunction she describes suggests he may do - the stuff he is watching and getting turned on by, will probably be very far from being "wife friendly".


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

kristina123 said:


> that or he's cheating.


He has a side dish. It's that simple.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Lots of reasons that men cut off the sex. Unfortunately they almost never come around from it without some SERIOUS motivation. Like divorce papers.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

you present him with three options.

1. he starts having sex with you 3x a week (or whatever) starting this week. If this hasn't happened by the end of the month, he gets to pick between the following:

2. you start looking for sex with other men with his blessing and approval, or

3. he agrees to an amicable divorce so you can have sex with other men with no need for his blessing or approval.

Present it in writing. Make him pick. Make him sign it.

If he won't, the default option is 3.


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## kristina123 (Aug 11, 2015)

I didn't look at it.


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## kristina123 (Aug 11, 2015)

The pregnancy was planned and actually his idea and want. He was asking for a year to have a baby until i finally said ok. He does work a lot. And thats his excuse he works a lot and we have kids. He thinks because we have kids were dead. But I'm still me and I'm still a person and i still need the same things i needed before kids. Date night doesn't even exist to this man. He has no romance in him at all. He doesn't make any effort to do anything nice of rme or with me.


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## kristina123 (Aug 11, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Lots of reasons that men cut off the sex. Unfortunately they almost never come around from it without some SERIOUS motivation. Like divorce papers.




WHY ???? What are some reasons?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kristina123 said:


> WHY ???? What are some reasons?


I posted the name of a book that goes through the main reasons. It's a study done on thousands on men and women who are in marriages in which the husband decided stop having sex.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

kristina123 said:


> WHY ???? What are some reasons?


Porn addiction, low testosterone, affairs, closet homosexuality, performance anxiety, resentment, loss of attraction, religious baggage, CSA baggage...


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