# My husband texts other women...is it wrong? Please advise!!



## SoConfused0253

I started a message before but it got quite lengthy so I decided I would just give the meat and potatoes of the story!

Here goes: 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. He has texted other women for as long as I've known him but is very secretive about what the messages say. When I ask to see them, he says that he deleted them. He has a code on his phone that he will not reveal to me. I do look at the phone bill to see the frequency of when he is sending/receiving these messages. There had been one woman for the past 4 years which he told me he would stop texting last year. Well, he did stop texting her, he started messaging her on facebook because that doesn't show up on the phone bill. Now, there's a new woman that he is calling/texting up to 30 times a day (they call each other and text each other, it's not just one way). She's married too (actually been married longer than we have). I have never met her and I don't think I want to. She's 25 he's 37. Both of these women are women that he works with so he sees them more than he sees his family already. Also, in the past 6 months he's been coming home from work later and later. 

When I've asked him to stop contacting these women, he tells me he is not going to give up his friends for me. He did know the woman he was contacting first prior to working with her but this new woman has only worked there for about a year. 

I asked him to move out and he's been staying with his best friend and his best friend's family (male) for the past month or so. He originally told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore because I won't let him talk to these other women but five days ago told me that he misses me and our home together and he wants to come home. He is going to get therapy starting tomorrow at my request because I think he has an addiction to attention or something. I realize this is not normal married man behavior. 

I looked at the phone bill yesterday and his texting/calling has gotten worse since he told me he misses me. When I called him on it, he said he needs therapy and can't stop until the therapy starts working.

I'm so frustrated and confused. He got a text last night when he was here (to argue with me) and it was his friend's girlfriend who asked him to "come see her if he wasn't asleep". When I asked him to immediately text her and tell her that they were to have no more contact with each other, he did, except he said "I am not to have any direct contact with you anymore", which really says "you can text me if you want, but I can't contact you". 

I guess this is still pretty wordy but that's as short as I can put it. Please tell me what to do! I really want it to work but I feel like he's using me and being very hurtful and disrespectful!


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## solitudeseeker

"He can't stop until the therapy starts working"... oh, what a bunch of hooey. 

He can stop, but he chooses not to, and this is what he using as his excuse so he can keep doing it. Unacceptable.


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## dixieangel

Sounds like he should be single since it's so important to him to have those other women in his life. And to actually say he won't give them up for you? WOW

So many red flags here. I would have lost my mind if some woman texted my husband to "come over if you aren't asleep". 

IMO opposite sex friends and marriage don't mix. I believe he doesn't know or doesn't care about boundaries in marriage and he's been getting away with if for so long. You need to stand your ground and know his behavior is completely unacceptable. You have every right to insist he get some help and move on if he doesn't.


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## Emerald

SoConfused0253 said:


> I started a message before but it got quite lengthy so I decided I would just give the meat and potatoes of the story!
> 
> Here goes:
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 4 years. He has texted other women for as long as I've known him but is very secretive about what the messages say. When I ask to see them, he says that he deleted them. He has a code on his phone that he will not reveal to me. I do look at the phone bill to see the frequency of when he is sending/receiving these messages. There had been one woman for the past 4 years which he told me he would stop texting last year. Well, he did stop texting her, he started messaging her on facebook because that doesn't show up on the phone bill. Now, there's a new woman that he is calling/texting up to 30 times a day (they call each other and text each other, it's not just one way). She's married too (actually been married longer than we have). I have never met her and I don't think I want to. She's 25 he's 37. Both of these women are women that he works with so he sees them more than he sees his family already. Also, in the past 6 months he's been coming home from work later and later.
> 
> When I've asked him to stop contacting these women, he tells me he is not going to give up his friends for me. He did know the woman he was contacting first prior to working with her but this new woman has only worked there for about a year.
> 
> I asked him to move out and he's been staying with his best friend and his best friend's family (male) for the past month or so. He originally told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore because I won't let him talk to these other women but five days ago told me that he misses me and our home together and he wants to come home. He is going to get therapy starting tomorrow at my request because I think he has an addiction to attention or something. I realize this is not normal married man behavior.
> 
> I looked at the phone bill yesterday and his texting/calling has gotten worse since he told me he misses me. When I called him on it, he said he needs therapy and can't stop until the therapy starts working.
> 
> I'm so frustrated and confused. He got a text last night when he was here (to argue with me) and it was his friend's girlfriend who asked him to "come see her if he wasn't asleep". When I asked him to immediately text her and tell her that they were to have no more contact with each other, he did, except he said "I am not to have any direct contact with you anymore", which really says "you can text me if you want, but I can't contact you".
> 
> I guess this is still pretty wordy but that's as short as I can put it. Please tell me what to do! I really want it to work but I feel like he's using me and being very hurtful and disrespectful!


Any children?

"Come see her if he wasn't asleep."

Is he having affairs with these women? Come see her for sex?


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## tacoma

He's hiding his conversations with these women.

There is only one reason he would do this.

Do not allow him home until he agrees to stop all contact with other women AND give you full access to any and all means of communication.

You also get to see the texts/messages he"s already sent.

If he cannot agree to this he cannot come home.


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## SoConfused0253

He has 4 kids with 2 different women. I have one child. We do not have any living children together. We lost twins last summer and he was so strong for me. Though we've had these problems with other women the whole time we've been together, last summer, I really got to see the man he can truly be when I need him to be. 

He is at therapy right now as I'm typing this. He says he's not sleeping with these other women. I really want to believe him, and I think my heart does, but my head says there's no way he hasn't. 

I told him this weekend that he has to contact all of the women he's currently talking to and tell them (in my presence) that he is not going to contact them outside of work anymore and they are not to contact him either. I also told him he has to delete his facebook account because the last woman he agreed to stop talking to, he decided to go behind my back and message her on facebook so that I wouldn't know about it. He says that asking him to delete his facebook is rediculous and that he won't be able to contact ANY of his friends if he does that. I told him that if they were that close of friends (and males) then he should write down their phone numbers, as facebook is not the ONLY form of communication in the world. 

I'm so frustrated. As I said before, I really want this to work but I am completely unwilling to live like this anymore. I told him not to contact me until he has done as I have asked...of course, he calls non-stop now, but still hasn't said he will make the committment to me.


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## MSC71

He won't ever admit anything if he did cheat. Regardless, if he loves you he would stop. Don't believe any of his B.S. until he does exactly what you requested. And no half ass attempts to do what you requested. All or nothing.


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## Ladysunshine

It sounds like he has been successful in turning it around and somehow making you to be the unreasonable person. Tell him he is full of it and you aren't arguing about right or wrong because that isn't the point. Tell him, "PLAINLY is hurtful to you" and THAT should be good enough reason. Tell him to choose! If he cannot, decide for yourself why do you want to be with someone who don't want you! Let him have them women and allow yourself to be free to meet someone that will!


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## aine

Honey, sorry this is happening but he probably did exactly the same thing to the other mothers of his kids, it is a matter of time before he starts treating you bad.

Get out now, before you have any children with this man. He is not just texting these women, he has probably slept with them. He has no respect for you at all and he passes off his behaviour as an 'addiction'. If he had any respect for you, he would not be doing this.
Do not let him come home, you let him back into your life, you will be here in 20 years time with even more problems.


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## EleGirl

Zombie Thread... I'm closing it.


If SoConfused0253 ever returns and wants to reopen her thread she can ask a moderator to do that.


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