# Guys, please help!



## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

So, basically I caught my wife cheating on me and we decided to reconcile. The problem is, half the time I can't even think straight. I want to work through this but, there are so many triggers involved. She cheated on me with her ex(my stepdaughters father). I must admit, I was being an a-hole today, but sometimes when I look at her I see the enemy. She hurt me so bad! My stepdaughter looks just like him and it makes me sick. How could I ever trust her again? How do I get past this, or is the damage permanent?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why is D not an option?

I'm not suggests that you D, but often walking up to it and thoroughly getting to know something inside and out is good therapy because you know it's there and you know what it would mean.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think some people (BS), in a desperate attempt to maintain some stability in all the chaos, almost immediately start making the effort to begin R with their WS. Some of them even chase and beg.

I usually wonder if these BS, who are basically still in total shock, have even really done some self-reflection and evaluated if they even truly want this cruddy human being that is their cheating spouse.

Then they end up being bewildered by the questions you are now confronting as the process moves forward.

Have you taken some real time for yourself to even decide if this is the best thing for you and what you want?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How long have you been married? Why did she not think that this would be a deal-breaker for you? Having sex with her ex behind your back shows she never stopped loving him and he is her top priority since she was willing to destroy your marriage for him.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you? Is it possible that she saw you as such a good guy that she knew that you would forgive her so she really had nothing to lose?

How did you find out? Why did she do this? Is it possible that you are just being played? Why would you wish to remain in such a marriage? She has shown that she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Its difficult dealing with infidelity as it is but when she's cheated with an ex I'd say the chances of reconciling are near impossible. Your step daughter will always be your trigger, there's no way your wife is going to stop interacting with her ex. No NC, no chance for this to stop or for her to not give in to temptation.

If you don't have kids, you have no reason to reconcile. If you're a young man let this be a lesson to not get involved with single mothers until you're over 40.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Your story is spread over like 3 threads could you give us synopsis if you want good advice we kind of need to know what is going on. Plus you could stick to one thread so people who are trying to help can in fact help you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Far be it from me to be blunt, but you were brought into this family to be the Beta-Provider drone for your wife and her daughter. Your wife appreciated your financial contributions and the seven day work week you maintained to provide for her and said daughter, but she obviously felt the need for a few direct injections of Alpha essence, which she seems to have determined you cannot provide. I also notice that she has not provided you with any offspring of your own. 

Now, exactly what is in this relationship for you? What do you get out of it that you can't get elsewhere? Aside from a potential step-child that might end up being yours legally when CS time comes?


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I can say I'd be out and gone. You've got really two options, bury your head or get out and start fishing. 

This is a no brainer. You married someone who is using you as a financial pack mule. No one wants to ride the pack mule around and show it off. She wanted a stallion for that. 

My 2 cents, run and don't look back. No kids between the two of you and cheating. No thanks. I'm going to assume the step father is paying child support. So you won't be on the hook for that.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Shaggy: D is definitely an option but, she swears up and down that it was an EA not a PA. So, I was trying to look on the bright side of things but and EA is just as bad if not worse.

Dyokemm: You are so right! My wife is trying to rugsweep and I am no where near done with questions.
No, I havent taken any time to myself to reflect on things. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell went wrong.

byranp: I've been married for 5 years. I don't think she thought of anything besides herself when this occured. She was actually telling this SOB that she loved him and this is really hard to deal with.
I know for a fact that if the tables were turned, she would dare put up with this.
I'm such a good guy that I became ignorant! She is so happy that we are trying to work things out. I think that she feels like she is off the hook. I don't even think she feels guilty. ME, I think about this every freaking day and I feel like its rotting my brain! 
I gave her some hard questions last night and it endend up in an argument. She really has the freaking nerve to be defensive when she was the one who cheated!
I found out through VAR and phone records
She says that we weren't getting along and arguing all the time and I pushed her away.
Its very possible that I could be getting played. Thats why I absolutely can't let my guard down.

CEL: Thanks for the advice and I will stick to one thread.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

They were bad mouthing you and making fun of you weren't they ? That in itself should be a deal breaker.

And she swore that it wasn't a PA ? I have a bridge to sell you. Are you interested ? And TBH, should the fact that they did not have sex matter ? She betrayed you worse, badmouthing you to friends, her ex. How is she these days ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No kids. No remorse. Cheater, Blames it on you. GTFO


Does she depend on you financially ?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Dude, she's not going to have an EA with a man she's already had sex with. Come on

BF is right - getting over this one isn't really an option, the fact that she has a history and kids with this guy means they are never going to go NC. Drop her


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

This is her EX, so the chances that it was a PA are VERY likely.

What have her consequences been so far? Did you expose the affair to family and friends? 

The OM is her Daughter's Father, so her going NC with him is doubtful. This in it's self will be your down fall. They've already had an affair once.

They'll be in contact for the rest of your lives.

In 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years, if your WS thinks you aren't "*getting along and arguing all the time and you pushed her away*", what do you think is going to happen?...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bud...my first wife cheated on me and we tried the reconciliation thing. Less than a year later I found her in the bar with the guy. She was unremorseful. She didn't care. Much like your wife.

I left my wedding ring on the bar, jumped on my motorcycle and never looked back.

No kids + No remorse = Clean f'ng getaway.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

To the OP, run don't walk. Is the damage permanent, yes. Are you able to "R", yes. The question is can you or will . There is a lot of instability and the trust thing is out the window. Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

weird223 said:


> In my recent thread, I discussed with you guys about my wife possibly having an affair with her ex (my stepdaughters father). *After the good useful advice you guys gave me and installing a VAR in her car*, I caught her red handed. I confronted her about it, never revealing my resources and told her that I know and theres no reason to lie. Well, she tried to lie at first and then she finally came clean.
> On the Recorder, *she calls him the love of her life! She talks about him all the time to her friends* and when she talks about me, she complains about what I'm not doing and makes me look bad. *She picks him up in OUR car while I'm at work and spends the day with him.* All her friends (who I liked) knew about this affair. I know she hasen't had sex with him because she told her friends that she's not having sex with anyone random but, if she decided that, it would be with him.





weird223 said:


> *My wife is not the type to accept restrictions and guidlines*, but I told her in order for us to even have a chance, she has to cut permanent communication with her ex. I know that they have a daughter together but all that is going to be delt through me now. I'm going to be involved in every conversation that they have and all. *She says... that is so stupid! how is that gonna work. If she has to say something to him she is going to say it*. What!





weird223 said:


> Our marriage had its ups and down, but I never emotionally or physically abused her. I thought I was the ideal husband. *I worked 7 days a week, she worked part time. We have a stepdaughter together*. Yeah, I do t think she's over him. The way she talked about him was really irritating! She just loves this dude. I'm done!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





weird223 said:


> the guy: I see her mindset and you didn't confuse me. Makes total sense. I continued to record her yesterday and I check the recorder last night. She tells him about all our issues, even after I called this POS the other day! *She asks him to come save her!.....and asks him for advice about our marriage.* This Shlt is almost comical!





weird223 said:


> Natural Heart: *According to her, he use to physically abuse her and he was a serial cheater*.


Time to face the facts:


You have only been married *3* years
You have no children with her, just a stepdaughter, and the OM, her ex husband, is the father.
You busted your ass working 7 days a week, while she gets to work part time
She picks up her ex, the OM, in your car that you provide
She claims that he is the love of her life, the same love that she claims to you, beat her and serially cheated on her
She is NOT over him
You are nothing but the *rebound* guy. No REAL love for you
She is unremorseful

Let her go. Let her OM, the love of her life save her from you if that's what she wants. I hate to say this, but *your entire marriage has been a lie*. At one point you said you were going to file, but you come back and say that you're trying to R. The only thing that is going to happen is that they will take this further underground. OM will ALWAYS be in your marriage. If her ex was so great, why isn't she still married to him? 

*LET HER GO BEFORE YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH HER*

If she gets pregnant, chances are that the child will not be yours.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you pay for the stepdaughter ? Not the small things, things education/sports or other big invesments ? How much does her ex contribute ?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> No kids = Clean f'ng getaway.


Just altered the post. I don't understand the notion of reconciliation when there are no children involved even if your wife is the patron saint of remorseful cheaters.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lordmayhem. Put it all together perfectly.

First, thus guy wouldn't be spending the day with her, or putting at all this time into listening to her complaining unless he gets sex out of it. He would have told her to shut up and go away if he was pnt getting sex from it.

But for arguments sake lets ignore the sex question.

She is giving him her passion , emotional dedication and loyalty.

She is praising him to friends and mocking you.

Her loyalty is entirely to him.

Why would you waste even on more dollar and one more day of your life on a woman who isn't loyal to you? 

She values him more than she vales you.

Doesn't matter if its an EA or a PA. What matters is loyalty and honoring your vows. She's done neither. You know the forsake part? Yeah, she's forsaken you, willingly and without remorse.

You deserve better and I think you know it deep down.

What you are getting back into if you R,wasn't that great to begin with, and her actions and words show she does not value it, and is not truly interested in building a good marriage with you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

weird223 said:


> I'm such a good guy that I became ignorant! She is so happy that we are trying to work things out. *I think that she feels like she is off the hook.* I don't even think she feels guilty.


No, she's happy that _*you*_ are still *on* the hook. Keep those checks and money orders coming in.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover 
...You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free "

Paul Simon


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> No, she's happy that _*you*_ are still *on* the hook. Keep those checks and money orders coming in.


Amen to that Mac. What ole weird doesn't seem to get is that love is like thoughts. Most folk cannot keep two in their head at the same time. Weird's old lady can't love him since she's in love with her ex. Weird's job is to merely underwrite her expenses while the ex services his wife. She’s been doing her ex from the beginning. This guy started with her before Weird came along and even though she’s Weird's wife, this dudes still in the picture and in her pants. This is because of all the mistakes Weird made when he got involved with this chick.
What he needs to do is change places with the ex. That way, he could be having all the fun while some other stooge pays the upkeep.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a reason we all keep hitting you in the head with the pervurbial 2x4...it cuz we have been there.

We are just a punch of strangers that got phucked over years ago and trying to smack you in to shape at your weakest time of your life.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No updates weird223? You last logged on yesterday morning, so you've read the replies to your thread.

Just keep in mind that rugsweeping will get you no where. I hope you won't be back to report things are worse. Good luck.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> No updates weird223? You last logged on yesterday morning, so you've read the replies to your thread.
> 
> Just keep in mind that rugsweeping will get you no where. I hope you won't be back to report things are worse. Good luck.


Not getting the kind of answers he was looking for I guess....


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Well it DOES suck to be in his shoes. 
Which is why he needs to tell her to take HER shoes directly out of the house. 
But it's always easier to tell someone to do it than it is for them to do it. And that's assuming we have all the info. 
Ugh


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> Well it DOES suck to be in his shoes.
> Which is why he needs to tell her to take HER shoes directly out of the house.
> But it's always easier to tell someone to do it than it is for them to do it. And that's assuming we have all the info.
> Ugh


Most of the people here have been in his shoes, many in even worse situations - some having invested many years/decades of their lives, have children together, joint property, etc, etc. For those of us in a much more difficult situation, its even more difficult to make the decision.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

weird223 said:


> So, basically I caught my wife cheating on me and we decided to reconcile. The problem is, half the time I can't even think straight. I want to work through this but, there are so many triggers involved. She cheated on me with her ex(my stepdaughters father).


This is why I always advise divorce. And if she did it with the man who fathered your stepdaughters, then that means she still will have to have contact with the guy. I'd bolt. But if you stay, then you should be around any time she has to have contact with him. She has proven she can't be trusted around her baby daddy.(or anyone else for that matter)




> I must admit, I was being an a-hole today


Nah, you are entitled after what she did to you. If you are an a-hole, its because she made you that way.




> but sometimes when I look at her I see the enemy. She hurt me so bad! My stepdaughter looks just like him and it makes me sick. How could I ever trust her again? How do I get past this, or is the damage permanent?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO the damage is permanent. Not saying that over time the pain can't be diminished, but I don't believe it ever goes away completely, unless you get rid of the source...the cheating wife.

Its like getting cut from a-hole to elbow with a knife. There will be a scar left behind, and although it healed, it will have a twinge of pain every once in a while.

Have you considered getting an attorney and filing? You should think about it. But you have to do what you think is best for you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Most of the people here have been in his shoes, many in even worse situations - some having invested many years/decades of their lives, have children together, joint property, etc, etc. For those of us in a much more difficult situation, its even more difficult to make the decision.


It's hard for guys, especially the young guys under 50, to wrap their minds around the true sexual nature of women in general and naked hypergamy in particular. Time to take the red pill, Weird.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

could you give a lot more back story wierd223


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Bud...my first wife cheated on me and we tried the reconciliation thing. Less than a year later I found her in the bar with the guy. She was unremorseful. She didn't care. Much like your wife.
> 
> I left my wedding ring on the bar, jumped on my motorcycle and never looked back.


:rofl: I love this story. You sound like such a rebel!


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