# I know I need to but I haven't?



## CC771 (Nov 16, 2020)

As I see most of these begin, I don't know where to start. We have been together for 15 years, married for 5, with 2 young children.

In a nutshell, my husband has always had anger and control problems. They have seemed to get worse as the relationship progressed. I noticed he has 2 sides, nice or mean, not much really in between. When he is nice, he is really nice, so sweet and caring. He would do anything for anyone. Then you have the mean, doesn't care about any body's feelings, says whatever he knows will hurt. Just evil! I have been called every name in the book for the stupidest things...he doesn't like my polish, I didn't call him on my lunch, etc. Of course it escalates to the name calling because I constantly feel like I have to defend my self in these situations. 

It's clear he doesn't trust me. On many occasions he knew where I was without me telling him. When he was caught basically stalking, he turned it into a "why don't I want him to know where I am" situation. I have never, in 15 years, gave him any reason not to trust me. I could go on and on with all of the crazy! I feel trapped. I stopped going out with my friends just so I don't have to argue and defend myself when I get home.

I know I should leave. The 2 main reasons I should leave ( my babies) is part of why I haven't left. I continue to make excuses for him. 2 months ago I told him I was divorcing and he has straightened up a bit but I know this story oh too well and I know he will go back to his old ways soon enough.

I have talked to an attorney and have all the papers to fill out but I make up every excuse not to have time to fill them out. Why wont I just file????


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I think you are hanging on to two different things - HOPE and FEAR.

You are hoping that he will change, that this isn't really happening, that you can live with it somehow, that things will be the way you want them - there are many "hopes" that keep us anchored to bad situations, and in a way, you need to lose your belief in those hopes and begin focusing on the TRUTH -- those are all FALSE hopes, and you are wasting time by holding on to them. They will never come true. It's time to drop them. 

You are also hesitating out of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of making a mistake that you will regret, fear of change...and I'm sure a bunch of other fears that are causing you to freeze in place, unable to move forward. Sometimes (in fact, MANY times), people prefer the stability of their painful situation to the unknown of picking a new path they hadn't planned on. But that new path they are so afraid of is actually the path that leads to happiness for them!
So your fears need to be ignored, and you need to start taking steps forward, and stop standing still. It's the only way. 

There is a great saying -- Feel the fear and do it anyway. That's how you get out of this rut and get on your new path!!!

Let those two things go, and fill out those papers!


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## CC771 (Nov 16, 2020)

Thank you so much for your input. It is very much appreciated and I think you've hit it dead on. It's almost as though I feel guilty. I feel guilt for letting it go on for so long. I feel it was my fault, I put up with it...how could I all of a sudden expect it to change...and leave if it doesn't? But it's not all of a sudden. I've been telling him for years and now it's time to put me first. Thank you again!


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