# Change in relationship after engagement



## FloridaBryce (Sep 17, 2013)

I was recently engaged over the summer (i'm 33, she's 29) after being in the relationship for almost 2 years. It's a distance relationship for now while she finishes grad school. Prior to our engagement, everything felt great. We rarely argued, and on the rare occasions that we did, it would blow over quickly.

But something changed after the engagement. Our arguments started increasing drastically in frequency and intensity. I would say most if not all of our fights are initiated by a complaint, unfair (at least in my mind) criticism, or derogatory words from her. Then it just escalates from there because i'm being reactionary and trying to defend myself. I'm at a loss as to why the nature of our relationship has seemingly turned on a dime after our engagement. The common theme coming from her is that I'm treating her like a girlfriend and not a fiance. I believe this is the underlying cause of her chronic anger towards me. 

However, I feel I am very good to her. I've always paid for everything. I go out of my way for her and I show much affection. For example, couple weeks ago, she moved into a new apartment (refer to my previous thread in financial problems section). That very weekend, I visited her solely to help her settle in. I helped move and put together her old furniture and also bought her some new furniture to fill out the place. I then took her shopping at the market, bedbath&beyond, target, etc to get her all the essentials to make her place livable (all of which I paid for without hesitation as usual). Within 2 days, she went from a completely empty apartment to a fully furnished and stocked apartment on my time and dime. 

So, in our most recent argument, she referred to that weekend and said that what I did for her was what any boyfriend would do, and that as a fiance, I need to do even more. At this point, I'm confused as to what more I'm "supposed" to do and at the same time, getting really pissed. I never asked for her thanks, but at least, I don't want her to suggest that what I did for her is not even worthy of acknowledgement. This is just one example, but I feel like this is how all of our argument are playing out. Regardless of what I do, there's always something in her mind that I failed to do, and she gives me serious grief for it. 

This is the first time I've been engaged. Anyone who's married or engaged, did you experience this same phenomenon? From a woman's perspective, can you understand what she's saying about how I treat her like a girlfriend and not a fiance?
I know my gripe here seems trivial compared to some of the other issues on this board, but please humor me. Thanks all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is out of line. You did far more than most boyfriends or fiancés would do. 

Until you are married, she is 100% financially responsible for herself.

After you are married you are both responsible to support each other. 

She seems to think that you are supposed to support her financially.

The reason that she changed upon engagement is that she thinks that she's a princess and you are her money source. That is all you are worth to her... money. The reason I say that you are only worth money to her is that if she would you had any other worth she would be treating you with respect and supporting herself.

This will only get worse once you are married, if you marry her. If you were my son I would tell you that marrying a woman who is like this would be the biggest mistake you made in your life... Do not marry her.

I'm sorry but this girl (she's acting like a girl and not a woman) is not ready for a serious, adult relationship. I was not sure why you would stay with her in your first thread. Now I'm even more unsure why you would stay.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Run for the effing hills!!!!! Run as fast as you possibly can!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FloridaBryce (Sep 17, 2013)

Elegirl, thanks for your reply here and in my previous thread. I agree with you and I know that my situation with her has become pretty dysfunctional. But as with anyone who's emotionally invested, I think I'm just trying to find any reason to tell myself that I can still be with her. I feel that door is definitely closing though. 

I guess I must do what I must do. *sigh*


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

She has high expectation. After you are engaged, she thinks she owns you. 

I agree with EleGirl, don't marry her. Your situation is only going to get worse after you marry her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FloridaBryce said:


> Elegirl, thanks for your reply here and in my previous thread. I agree with you and I know that my situation with her has become pretty dysfunctional. But as with anyone who's emotionally invested, I think I'm just trying to find any reason to tell myself that I can still be with her. I feel that door is definitely closing though.
> 
> I guess I must do what I must do. *sigh*


It's sad, I know. But remember that dating and even the engagement is about getting to know the person and finding out she is really the person you want to be married to. 

People tend to bond too quickly by the kind of dating we do today with all out sex, living together etc long before we know if the other person is really someone we want to be with. It takes 1-2 years to find out if a person is marriage material.

You have found out that she is not marriage material. For your own sake, end this. You sound like a very good, smart young man. You deserve so much more than a girl who just sees you as a money source.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow, she's got a nerve that's for sure!

Most boyfriends would help move and put furniture together, but buy it all? Not a chance!!

What "more" are you supposed to do? If it weren't for you, she'd be sitting on boxes and living in a shell of a house.

Wow.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

RUN. Just run! My STBXW was the same way...AND...people warned me about her. Including her best friend. You can find my story in my profile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She's becoming a spoiled *****. You did too much for her and the more you do the more she'll ask from you. 
Also, you're getting close to becoming the 'nice guy' for her so prevent yourself from making that mistake, or else she'll lose all the respect for you. 

Stop doing things for her and demand respect.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

She needs to find a new client.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Her mentality is she is a girlfiend for a finite period of time... That is when she has to romance you, be sexual with you, make you feel good in order to "attact" you.... Then, once she does this she is done with all of that. She got you. Now it's your turn to do everything for her.

The thing is, a good wife remains her husbands girfriend. That's what men want, a permanent girlfriend. Now, as a married couple it's not all day every day, but it something a man needs a few hours per week. 

And a woman acting as you describe is not wife material, since she has no interest in remaining what you need her to be as your wife.

I could go on and on, but please listen to the other posters.

Now, breaking off the engagement could wake her up and return the power to you.... So you don't necessarily have to dump and run...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ouch. So her mentality is now that she has the ring she OWNS you. 

This is a woman who thinks her needs trump yours and that's not what a marriage is about.

And no this isn't normal.

Do NOT marry this woman.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

To the original poster FloridaBryce, let me ask you a question. Did your fiancé's father die at an early age? Did she grow up with a father?

The reason I ask, is, I used to have a female friend who had very high and selfish expectations from the men she dated. I always believed that was a result of her having a romantic, unrealistic expectation of men because she never had a father figure in her life.

So, I ask again, did your fiancé grow up with a father?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> To the original poster FloridaBryce, let me ask you a question. Did your fiancé's father die at an early age? Did she grow up with a father?
> 
> The reason I ask, is, I used to have a female friend who had very high and selfish expectations from the men she dated. I always believed that was a result of her having a romantic, unrealistic expectation of men because she never had a father figure in her life.
> 
> So, I ask again, did your fiancé grow up with a father?


Read his other thread.. she has living parents who pay her rent.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She is out of line. You did far more than most boyfriends or fiancés would do.
> 
> Until you are married, she is 100% financially responsible for herself.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Exactly right. There is no way a "boyfriend" would purchase furniture and household items for her residence unless it was in exchange for sex, which would imply that she is accepting "gifts" in exchange for sex.

A fiancee, however, who is invested in the future of the relationship might be inclined to help her out, as the OP has done.

For her to suggest (and or demand) that it wasn't enough implies that things will be worse after the wedding. It's all about her. Narcissist. Avoid at all costs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

On the plus side... You're getting a consistent message in this thread and the other one... . I'm sticking with my "Entitled Princess" label. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> On the plus side... You're getting a consistent message in this thread and the other one... . I'm sticking with my "Entitled Princess" label.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

She is showing who she really is, believe her. Cut your losses now.


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## sweetheartbreaking (Sep 29, 2013)

Hi! I think she is the most ungrateful girl ever. She is very lucky to have you financed everything that she wants and needs! I cannot believe what I am reading, I wish my boyfriend would read this! She should be thankful that you treat her like a princess already that you are still married! Unlike me, we have a child, I work I put all of my money to our joint account, we are not married not eveb engaged! I almost do everything in the house chores and taking care of our child, I go to school, I tried to not depend in anybody and have them responsible paying for everything. She needs to wake!!! You are an amazing fiancé! I don't know why *****es get treated right but nice girls get treat bad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Read his other thread.. she has living parents who pay her rent.


Yup. A princess who expects to be taken care of.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Her mentality is she is a girlfiend for a finite period of time... That is when she has to romance you, be sexual with you, make you feel good in order to "attact" you.... Then, once she does this she is done with all of that. She got you. Now it's your turn to do everything for her.
> 
> *The thing is, a good wife remains her husbands girfriend. That's what men want, a permanent girlfriend.* Now, as a married couple it's not all day every day, but it something a man needs a few hours per week.


:iagree:

My opinion is that she has some strong beliefs about relationships. Call it a template for how it looks. She has a Girlfriend Template and a Wife Template. I think those templates are very different, and you are seeing it already.

We could speculate on what might be behind her attitudes, perhaps some emotional or psychological issues. But it is not going to help you.

1) Trust her actions to tell you her real nature. Her behavior is more important than words.

2) Trust your gut. You know something is not meshing properly between you. 

3) She may be totally justified in her thoughts and feelings, yet it may be completely at odds with your thoughts and feelings. There is no need to identify one of you as "right" and the other as "wrong". *You do not have to justify your feelings or position on this relationship.* If the relationship doesn't work, it just doesn't work.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The next time she starts running her mouth about her being treated like a girlfriend rather than a fiancé, look her in the eye and tell her that if she keeps it up, your not going to treat her as a boyfriend or a fiancé but a total stranger and walk out. When she calls or texts you, don't reply. If she keeps up with the selfishness break the engagement, get your ring back, pawn it and reclaim your money you spent on her furnishings and you'll also reclaim your happiness. 

The girl need to be told in no uncertain terms that her behavior is unacceptable and your tired of her selfish ways and if she doesn't like it, honestly, it's your gain. Your asking for a bunch of trouble with her and it's only going to get worse.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You will never satisfy her and "make" her happy. If you marry this woman, the chances are very great that you'll end up in divorce. 

If I were you I'd call off the engagement and break it off with her. This is NOT normal behavior and her attitude towards you will worsen in time. This woman does not respect you at all and never will.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I wonder what her background is. 

Is she Chinese or Taiwanese? Or any Eastern culture? 

Because Chinese and Taiwanese women have this kind of entitlement just because they are women. They expect men to pay everything for them if the men want to pursue them. 

I know this co-worker who expects men to pay everything for her. Car payment, rent, food, clothes, and entertainment. Everything. They were not even engaged. After a year, she wanted to break up. The man spent a lot of money on her. I think having a girl friend like this is much more expensive than going to a high class escort. And she is very selfish. She only wants the men to cater to her needs. She doesn't want to fulfill her responsibility as a woman. She doesn't want to visit his family, she doesn't want to cook for him, she doesn't want to do many things. So what's the point of having a woman like this? Just for her pu$$y? I wonder how much pu$$y you will get if you don't meet her needs.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

She is trying to establish control. Period. Run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> She is trying to establish control. Period. Run.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She already has.

OP, hopefully you've gotten the message and there's one other message you need to know.

You can't change/fix her either. If you take a stand, she'll concede to keep you and then start exerting controls again. It will be a constant struggle through your relationship and god forbid you're not able to support her due to injury or illness etc.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Not all husbands would do that, let alone a boyfriend or fiance. 
And nop, I have no idea of what she refers to. But I think she is a big calling for tyranny. Wait until she becomes the wife...


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You have spoiled this girl to the point of no return. If you marry this woman, you will have to continue to spoil her for the rest of the marriage or there will be arguments every time you don't. She will want more and more until your dead.

Consider this a blessing. Run away and do not look back. 

There are two man rules when it comes to this:

1.) You NEVER spoil your fiance the way you do 
2.) You NEVER marry a woman with the traits of your fiance

In conclusion: you find a girl who can furnish her OWN home and if you do decide to buy her a lamp or something - she will see it as the greatest thing you could do for her. There are millions of them. Run from this one - you are her *****.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

OP has she *ever* taken you out and paid for a meal, activity, coffee, whatever? and exactly what is she referring to when she says she expects *even more*.

Is she planning on working and financially contributing after grad school? 

We have a saying in the UK for women like this - *Cash Cow*. She sounds like a madam.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If it doesn't work out with her, call me.

You sound like a great guy and she doesn't sound like she deserves you. Spoiled princess syndrome.

And putting a ring on it does not change someone's character.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Was she really picky about her engagement ring? Does she have a job? Curious.


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