# I'm not sure anymore



## squeekers (Jul 25, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3 of them. Over the past year things have gone from bad to worse. Our relationship was great mentally and physically. Then a few months before our wedding I hurt my back. Because of my back hurting he didn't want to have sex because it made my back feel worse, which was understandable. But ever since then our sex life has slowly died out. Now it seems like having sex is a chore and a fight. 

Aside from the dead sex life, it seems like he just wants nothing to do with me. If I ask for help with something, the majority of the time, he will yell at me or will put it off until I just give up and do it. I am constantly being rejected by him, be it emotionally or physically. He just doesn't seem to care. But I feel as though I am always there for him. I let him talk my ear off about work, his friends, etc...But if I start talking he only half listens, if that. Plus if he ask me what is wrong if I am “off” that day and I tell him, he turns everything back around on me…”Well if you wouldn’t do….” “If you would just get over the anxiety and ****” and so on. It makes me feel like I am worthless.

A few months ago I snapped. I told him that he needed to make a decision, either we work **** out or that was it. He started crying and telling me he was sorry. And that as far as the sex goes, that he doesn't have a high sex drive and never has (funny for the first 3 years we were together it we had sex 3 to 4 time a week), and that he is frustrated because I don't have light switch Os. We talked and decided that we would work it out. So I stuck around. Things seemed better for a few days then went back to what they were.

About a month ago I snapped again. He came in from work and sat down for a few minutes. I asked him to get a bowl from the top cabinet (that I cannot reach) and he bit my head off. He then left for a little while. While he was gone I packed a bag and called my aunt to ask if I could stay with her. I also wrote him a note telling him how I felt about everything that had been happening. I wrote it because he doesn't ever seem to listen. In the note I told him about how I constantly feel like he doesn’t want me in any way. How when he ask what is wrong, he turns everything around to where it is my fault and that maybe it was all my fault but it is still wrong to do it how he does.

He made it home before I could leave. (I know, chicken on my part). After reading the note he started telling me how sorry he was and how he has been depressed, etc, and that he would work on it. I sat there and listened to him and even held him as he cried. I even suggested that we go to counseling together or if he would be more comfortable I can make him appointments for himself, etc. His response was that he wouldn’t do that because he has a hard enough time even talking to me about how he feels. 

Things were ok for about a week. Now they are back to where they were before. I don’t want to loose him but at the same time I am tired of hurting because of him. 

I have given him 9 years of my life that I will never get back. We have been best friends, lovers and everything in between. And now if feels like it has all fallen apart. I really do want things to get sorted out. But I feel like every effort made is all for nothing. I am not sure if I should just go ahead and file for a divorce, move out for a while or what. Any outside insight would be great.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, is it possible he's cheating? It seems odd that when you put your foot down he breaks and expresses his love, but then seems distant.


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## squeekers (Jul 25, 2013)

mablenc said:


> is it possible he's cheating?


I don't think he is. He comes right home after work and if he is late it is usually only by 30 minutes or so. But at the same time I feel that it could be possible because of some issues in the past with him telling his ex that he loved and missed her. Which I never told him that I found out about it. But it might also be that my own insecurities are also making me think that it could be possible. 

In a way I think he is just tired of me. But at the same time I can't find a physical reason he would be. I have the same build as before we got married. The only thing that has changed is that I am starting to look my age and my hair is longer. So I'm sure that isn't it. Mentally we have always had our differences. But it has never been a problem.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

squeekers said:


> I don't think he is. He comes right home after work and if he is late it is usually only by 30 minutes or so. *With technology now days, you don't need to leave home, it's possible to have an emotional affair meaning no physical contact, not saying he's cheating but clarifying this assumptio*
> 
> But at the same time I feel that it could be possible because of some issues in the past with him telling his ex that he loved and missed her. Which I never told him that I found out about it. But it might also be that my own insecurities are also making me think that it could be possible.
> *That's a red flag there, why would he say this to her, it's obvious he's crossing a line here as this is very intimate, how did you find out he said this? Also, why didn't you say anything? You are not insecure, anyone would have been upset and suspiosus about this. *
> ...


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## squeekers (Jul 25, 2013)

He rarely gets on the computer, maybe once every month. If there is anything going on via cell, I haven't seen it. 

I don't know why he told her that. It was several years ago. I wanted to bring it up but decided not to because of the fight it would start. The only reason I found it was that he left the browser page with his email on it open and I decided to be nosey. 

The way he acts makes me think that he is tired of me. The always being distant, snapping my head off, etc. I even went all out one night trying to get his attention; make-up, lingerie, heels, the whole nine yards. Called him into the bedroom, he came in and said he would be back in a minute. I waited for an hr before I gave up. When I came out he was sitting on the couch playing on the ps3. That was a few months ago. And it has still continued, he give's that darn thing more attention and time than anyone else. 

One or our dear friends who is like family has even noticed the change in him. But he can't even figure out what the deal is.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Does he have a job where he can sneak away during the day?


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## squeekers (Jul 25, 2013)

dormant said:


> Does he have a job where he can sneak away during the day?


Not unless it is during his 30 minute lunch break. And even then he would only have time to go to the store or to subway because of it. And the company he works for does not allow anyone aside from employees and drivers into the areas he works at.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It was a thougth....


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

squeekers said:


> He rarely gets on the computer, maybe once every month. If there is anything going on via cell, I haven't seen it.
> 
> I don't know why he told her that. It was several years ago. I wanted to bring it up but decided not to because of the fight it would start. The only reason I found it was that he left the browser page with his email on it open and I decided to be nosey.
> 
> ...


Well thats definitely a downer, could he be depressed or going though a mental illness? has he changed dramatically? Loss in the family? Stuck in a dead end job? Has childhood traumas he never dealt with? On any kinds of medication that could be causing issues? How old is he? is he still um, "functional" as in having erections and so on.


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## squeekers (Jul 25, 2013)

dormant said:


> It was a thougth....


 I know an thanks. I can come off a little blunt at times. But yeah, there isn't any time in his day for him to be seeing another person.



mablenc said:


> Well thats definitely a downer, could he be depressed or going though a mental illness? has he changed dramatically? Loss in the family? Stuck in a dead end job? Has childhood traumas he never dealt with? On any kinds of medication that could be causing issues? How old is he? is he still um, "functional" as in having erections and so on.


In one of our previous "talks" he said he had been depressed, etc. That is why I suggested counseling. He changed jobs in August of last year and is happier with this job than the last one, less stress etc. From what I can understand his childhood was fairly normal, the only major thing was that he became a father at 16. (His son doesn't live with us) The only meds he takes is to help him sleep better. He is 32. And yes he is still functional, when he actually feels like it.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

squeekers said:


> My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3 of them. Over the past year things have gone from bad to worse. Our relationship was great mentally and physically. Then a few months before our wedding I hurt my back. Because of my back hurting he didn't want to have sex because it made my back feel worse, which was understandable. But ever since then our sex life has slowly died out. Now it seems like having sex is a chore and a fight.
> 
> Aside from the dead sex life, it seems like he just wants nothing to do with me. If I ask for help with something, the majority of the time, he will yell at me or will put it off until I just give up and do it. I am constantly being rejected by him, be it emotionally or physically. He just doesn't seem to care. But I feel as though I am always there for him. I let him talk my ear off about work, his friends, etc...But if I start talking he only half listens, if that. Plus if he ask me what is wrong if I am “off” that day and I tell him, he turns everything back around on me…”Well if you wouldn’t do….” “If you would just get over the anxiety and ****” and so on. It makes me feel like I am worthless.
> 
> ...


I am no psychologist but he seems mildly depressed. Low sex drive, easily irritable, snaps at you quickly, etc... 

He also seems a little passive-aggressive. Shows no affection but then when you get to a breaking point he cries and tells you he'll do better. Seems like he wants to hurt you by withholding affection but then fears losing you when you take concrete steps.

The bowl thing is a little strange. He could have just been stressed and needed a few minutes to just sit and veg by himself. I am not speaking for him, but maybe in HIS mind you were nagging him, making it seem like he never does enough for you, etc. Could be something else but there needs to be a reason why he'd get so mad over getting down a bowl, I'd say.

Same with him listening to you. Women and men have different ways of communicating. I've had this same problem with my wife... she will complain about a co-worker and I will say "well why don't you tell your boss", "why do you even talk to her", etc... she gets mad because she just wants to vent and for me to listen. Men get aggravated when the same problems are presented over and over again and the person doesn't seem to take any steps to fix it. Man are fixers, not listeners.

As for his sex drive... could be mild depression, could be he's not as sexually attracted to you as he was. Have you (or him) let yourself go physically?

At any rate I think you should tell him you demand he go to marriage counseling. This effects both of you not just him, it is not only his choice to get counseling.


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