# Biggest issue in marriages?



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Would you say sex is the biggest issue is marriages? Or money? Or something else?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I expect its different in every marriage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I believe it is money.

I only twice ever argued with my wife about money and once was before we were married. So two arguments in 23 years is not bad.

The first one I don’t really remember well but we both got laid off at the same time. I got a job before the ink was even dry. She was having more issues and I think at some point I nagged her and pissed her off. I drank half a bottle of tequila right after which is probably why I don’t remember the specifics.

The second time she wanted to buy her mom a car or a truck or something. At the time I was working like 100 hours a week and was in a bad mood all the time. I told her to do whatever she wanted with her mom just don’t tell me about it. Which is what she did since then. In fact I don’t even know what she has bought for her mom and I don’t care.

Generally I have avoided all money issues by giving her everything. All I manage are my own retirement accounts and stock. All cash I put into accounts as she directs and I never pay any attention to it at all. Every once in a while she will ask for a big chunk of money and I transfer it into one of our main accounts.

That’s what my parents did and I never heard them argue about money and it worked for me.

Sex is probably #2 and I definitely had issues with that one but it seems sorted out now.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Would you say sex is the biggest issue is marriages? Or money? Or something else?


Loss of connection. Whatever it was that brought them together is no longer there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Communication was probably the biggest issue in my marriage. That eventually led to other issues but it was the starting point.


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## Mrs Pacman (Feb 28, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Would you say sex is the biggest issue is marriages? Or money? Or something else?


It depends on different people but in mine it’s definitely sex and lack there of it. The fact that I speak to him about it and nothing improves, makes me want to leave. Not for pure selfishness but because I told him it makes me feel so unwanted and if he cares he’s fix. He doesn’t fix it so what does that say to me? I’m just not worth it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's usually a combination of things, but often focuses on just one issue that seems to have the most impact. The issues are sex, money, children, housework, sharing responsibility for those, work related issues, and in-law issues.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Deception.

*Deception leading up to marriage*. Someone settling, but convincing their spouse they were all in. Someone with financial problems they didn't reveal. Someone behaving themselves through the courtship but slacking off after marriage (stopping the romancing, stopping the BJs, changing sex frequency, quitting a job, etc).

*Deception after marriage.* Someone cheating. Someone lying about their activities. Someone concealing their spending. Someone keeping secrets.

When you find out your spouse isn't the person you thought they were, it's devastating.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Sex, finances, division of labor. Those are the biggest issues I've had in marriage and LTRs.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Unrealistic expectations.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Extended family for us. I’d say that’s a big one for many people. We don’t have the sex and money issues.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sure, sex, money, children, housework, in-laws, substances, social media. But the real issue is, _what happens when you try to talk about that?_ The inability to have a reasonable discussion. The ability to say what you mean without over-saying it, or descending into attempts to score points. Some people can't even listen without interrupting, a thing I'd expect people to learn before the age of twelve. 

I think a lot of people have been taught a combative style of communication by public figures.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

The root cause of many issues is respect. If you respect your spouse many potential issues will not occur. There will be times in every relationship when you're not "feeling the love" but if you respect your partner which is independent of your hormones at any particular time it can maintain the relationship until your feelings come back. 

If you respect your partner, you can disagree with them without the value you see in them or the relationship diminishing (as much).

If you respect each other, when they bring up issues you will listen and take them seriously even if you don't agree and vice versa.

If you respect your partner, you'll see them as a real person with their own wants, needs, and desires. You'll take them into account when making your decisions.

Conversely, being treated or treating others with contempt is an efficient way to kill the feelings between you. If you feel like you're being used (financially, sexually, as a housemaid, etc), you will know that they don't value you and for all intents and purposes the relationship is over except for the paperwork and logistics.

I'll leave you with a quote from Terry Pratchett



> There’s no greys, only white that’s got grubby. I’m surprised you don’t know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.’
> ‘It’s a lot more complicated than that -’
> ‘No. It ain’t. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they’re getting worried that they won’t like the truth. People as things, that’s where it starts.


Thanks for coming to my TED talk.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Poor taste in music.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Deciding it’s more important to be a mommy than a wife.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

A lack of support or loyalty (not cheating) for your spouse.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Sure, sex, money, children, housework, in-laws, substances, social media. But the real issue is, _what happens when you try to talk about that?_ The inability to have a reasonable discussion. The ability to say what you mean without over-saying it, or descending into attempts to score points. Some people can't even listen without interrupting, a thing I'd expect people to learn before the age of twelve.
> 
> I think a lot of people have been taught a combative style of communication by public figures.


I would argue that communication issues are often founded in the vetting phase, when notions of privacy and boundaries are not adequately discussed. The "what happens when you try to talk about that" is founded very early on. It's possibly a power dynamic, with the more-open & vulnerable person being essentially taken advantage of by the more-private person. The open & vulnerable person doesn't always have the tools to recognize deceit, while the more-private person may have become so due to past trauma and a feeling that it's OK to lie when telling the truth might get them in trouble.

The "combative style" is just an excuse. It allows someone to avoid the real issues.

I think those who seem to become really different people, say things "they can't really mean" when drunk or angry... that's when they're "sharing" what's actually on their mind. But people don't really put their relationships to the test in the romantic phase, and the private person has an easier time pretending to be open than the open person would pretending to be private. The real imbalance is that the open person feels they have no advantage pretending to be someone they aren't.

You talk about scoring points but in this game points don't matter because there are no defined rules, no defined end to the game.

The issues this creates spill out into all aspects of life, leading to a dumbed-down existence in which you lack intelligent discussion with your spouse because there's a desire on the part of the private person to not want to change a position on anything. Compromise is weakness. The private person will seemingly give up authority on many things to their spouse, saying "I'm ok with whatever you want, you decide." But anything important is acted upon unilaterally.

So once again I'm railing against undiscussed notions of boundaries and privacy and doing heavy-duty projecting. 
Mistakes - Despair, Inc.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Would you say sex is the biggest issue is marriages? Or money? Or something else?


Sex, Money, and family relatives to the couple. 
These three items cause so much havoc. 
But all three are so easy to solve if all are willing.

But it maybe that the issue manifesting as any of these three arises from one spouse wanting to change the other into someone else when the fault lies with the first spouse for choosing the wrong person in the first place.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MaiChi said:


> family relatives to the couple.


Hells yes!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

It is usually the little things. 

Like a spouse asking you the favor to run an important errand that is extremely time sensitive. Then you get in the car just in time to go and find that your spouse left the gas tank completely empty so that you will fail at running the errand that is so important.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Selfishness!

Or, the lack of grace and mercy in marriage. We all fail, we all struggle, and how we deal with others when they do the same says a lot about how far a relationship will go.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> Sure, sex, money, children, housework, in-laws, substances, social media. But the real issue is, _what happens when you try to talk about that?_ The inability to have a reasonable discussion. The ability to say what you mean without over-saying it, or descending into attempts to score points. Some people can't even listen without interrupting, a thing I'd expect people to learn before the age of twelve.
> 
> I think a lot of people have been taught a combative style of communication by public figures.


I really think it has to do with how kids are spoken to by their parents and other authority figures -- look at how many adults treat kids like their feelings don't matter and they aren't allowed to express themselves! Kids become combative because they spend so much time feeling frustrated, I believe!! 

I watched my mother and sisters treat my nieces and nephews in such a dismissive, "stop bothering me" way that the kids automatically used defensive communication, from needing the adults to help them but not being able to affect that for themselves. 

I also think people are just naturally selfish, and most never grow out of that, so their communication style reflects that - people rarely listen to UNDERSTAND...they only listen to RESPOND, and usually unkindly and defensively.

I've come to believe that communication in relationships is the single most important factor in making them successful. But SO FEW people get it right...and it's too bad...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Would you say sex is the biggest issue is marriages? Or money? Or something else?


Communication! Communication! Communication! Then SEX.


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Deception.
> 
> *Deception leading up to marriage*. Someone settling, but convincing their spouse they were all in. Someone with financial problems they didn't reveal. Someone behaving themselves through the courtship but slacking off after marriage (stopping the romancing, stopping the BJs, changing sex frequency, quitting a job, etc).
> 
> ...


I agree with you completely. After a long bad marriage, another 10 year unhappy live-in, and now my bf of a year has been revealing one lousy thing after another. Sadly, I am no longer surprised about anything men do anymore. I just get pissed off at myself for not seeing it sooner. This is the 3rd. strike. I will NEVER live with another man again once I’m single again. Just will find a friend with benefits and send them to their own home.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LaurieK said:


> I agree with you completely. After a long bad marriage, another 10 year unhappy live-in, and now my bf of a year has been revealing one lousy thing after another. Sadly, I am no longer surprised about anything men do anymore. I just get pissed off at myself for not seeing it sooner. This is the 3rd. strike. I will NEVER live with another man again once I’m single again. Just will find a friend with benefits and send them to their own home.


I feel the same way...but with women.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

All of the problems have been covered, no more to say.

Someone should start a thread on the biggest perks of being married now.

🙂


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> All of the problems have been covered, no more to say.
> 
> Someone should start a thread on the biggest perks of being married now.
> 
> 🙂


I started one of those a month or so back but it didn't seem to get much response.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Farting in front of each other to soon into the relationship


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## CoachWisch (Mar 6, 2021)

Mrs Pacman said:


> It depends on different people but in mine it’s definitely sex and lack there of it. The fact that I speak to him about it and nothing improves, makes me want to leave. Not for pure selfishness but because I told him it makes me feel so unwanted and if he cares he’s fix. He doesn’t fix it so what does that say to me? I’m just not worth it.


Many men I talk to are not taught how to properly honor and support a woman. We fake it through courtship and then become clueless once we walk down the aisle. It’s a tragedy and we’re trying to fix it but men are stubborn beings. Sometimes it takes a 2x4 to the head.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

The biggest issue is once you are married you are forced to live with all the red flags you ignored while dating.


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