# How do I stop their "friendship" (AFFAIR!)



## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

My husband who adored me for 25 years has had a stressful year and a bit of a breakdown. During this time he began a close friendship with my best friend. He has told her all his stress and worries and she has supported him and advised him. I believe they are in an emotional affair. They text all the time-in secret, they meet up to talk-in secret, he has a secret email I discovered that they communicate on. I have discovered all of this by snooping. The only thing he has told me when I confronted him is that he is will always love me, but he is unhappy and needs to leave our marriage and go 'find himself'. He has admitted to relying on this OW for emotional support and help in detaching from me. I have just discovered an email where she is helping him rent a place of his own . She will not talk to me, or barely look at me. 
I have been desperately trying to save my marriage but feel as long as he is telling her all his problems and she is counselling him to leave me I don't stand a chance. Should I try to 'befriend ' her again and tell her my side, should I speak with her husband and let him know about all the secrets? I have been in this limboland for 4 months and am emotionally drained. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank-you so much


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sadly Committed, when a spouse says,"I will always love you, but I need to leave our marriage and go find myself", it means I want to keep you dangling on a string while I go out a bang somebody else. My money says he's already sleeping with her and they are setting up a love nest.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't say another word to her. If you have "flirty emails" between them print them out and show them to her husband. 

And even if the emails are somewhat platonic her husband might be interested in knowing that she has a secret email. Start by asking if he knows all her email addresses. Then ask him if he is aware of the one they use to communicate. Show him some of the correspondences. 

On monday go see a lawyer and see if you can get the bank assets frozen so he doesn't clean them out while he's "finding himself". This is a kind of frying pan to the forehead approach. As long as you are the one begging, crying and pleading you will never get anything more than a sympathetic smile from him. 

It's time to play hardball. Get pitching.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> My husband who adored me for 25 years has had a stressful year and a bit of a breakdown. During this time he began a close friendship with my best friend. He has told her all his stress and worries and she has supported him and advised him. I believe they are in an emotional affair. They text all the time-in secret, they meet up to talk-in secret, he has a secret email I discovered that they communicate on. I have discovered all of this by snooping. The only thing he has told me when I confronted him is that he is will always love me, but he is unhappy and needs to leave our marriage and go 'find himself'. He has admitted to relying on this OW for emotional support and help in detaching from me. I have just discovered an email where she is helping him rent a place of his own . She will not talk to me, or barely look at me.
> I have been desperately trying to save my marriage but feel as long as he is telling her all his problems and she is counselling him to leave me I don't stand a chance. Should I try to 'befriend ' her again and tell her my side, should I speak with her husband and let him know about all the secrets? I have been in this limboland for 4 months and am emotionally drained. Any advice would be appreciated.
> Thank-you so much



This happened to me...I'm a man....they just met and became 'insta friends'....you know...gods will...destiny...and all that jazz...

let me tell you what...this man is selfish...he's preparing to murder your soul....he's making plans behind your back....

gosh...do these cheating people have a damn guide they all follow...because what you describe here is it....the death knoll....there is no turning back now...he's made up his mind....

DO NOT FIGHT THIS....DO NOT...I REPEAT DO NOT.....

what you have to realize...it that he went into the drawer...pulled a knife while you were sleeping...and put it right into your back....

here is what is next....RATIONALIZATION....JUSTIFICATION...and all that crap...and it gets worse.....they can't handle that they murdered your sweet soul and spirit....so they will make you to be the bad guy.....

if I had to do your situation all over again (it was like 99% the same)....i would have gone NO CONTACT right away....

because he'll do that crap like send you some dumb text or something were you end up hanging on his every word...wondering...WTF does that mean....is he really willfully doing this? he will want you there for emotional support....and for comfort while he makes his transition.....

NO CONTACT.....that is exactly what i should have done....i made that mistake....but the more you speak to him....he's not rational...he's willfully made up his mind to crush your soul and spirit to make his man parts tingle...all for the newness of this amazing thing that he's chasing....

if it were me...i'd move far far away from them 2.....let them live in their sin....karma will come to them...this is not a way to behave...she should have been encouraging her husband to work with you...to sort it out....instead she's boning him...and they are making a nest.....

RUN LADY.....cancel your phone....file the papers.....and hopefully you don't have kids...cause then it should be easy....

IT WAS ALL A LIE.....that's what you can know....he's a selfish man.....if you had a double masectomy would he have stood by you? NO....and he's not now...with whatever vanilla problems you have.....so get the hell away....and run for your life...that is my opinion....

and also....delete your facebook....wait until they start posting their new little photos together...then your really puke....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

How do you stop an emotional affair?

You make it clear that he has to chose between the two of you. Period.

Oh, and she's no longer your friend anymore.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she married or involved with someone? If so exposure is a very good tool.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Yes, she has a husband and two kids just as I do. We are neighbours and our youngest kids are in the same class at school and are always asking to play with each other, which makes me ill. I know she is no longer my friend, I was just wondering if I should 'play on her emotions' and our past friendship to get her to back away.
I so want to save this marriage. It was great for so many years and I hate for my kids to have to go through this. Any hope...at all? Anyone have success getting husband to choose marriage and not affair?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Have you exposed to her husband? You aren't going to be able to "nice" your way out of this situation. Not with your husband or your ex friend. That does not work. Check out the quote in my signature. That is the mentality you need to take if you want to have a shot at saving your marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your hope rests on exposing this to her husband. Take your evidence and inform him that they are communicating secretly and that she is his partner in crime in the breakup of your marriage.

Do not try to 'nice' her or him into or out of anything. 

Expose asap.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Your hope rests on exposing this to her husband. Take your evidence and inform him that they are communicating secretly and that she is his partner in crime in the breakup of your marriage.
> 
> Do not try to 'nice' her or him into or out of anything.
> 
> Expose asap.


Exactly!

As long as he thinks he is in control and has the support of the wretch he will continue on his merry way. 

Look at it this way. You will never "nice" him back. You may awaken him and have him think twice when he has to consider the devastation that will ensue. 

If he has divorce papers in hand that spell out his lack of "at will" access to his kids, his financial responsibilities, his loss of a friend (you) he may think twice. 

At the moment he just sees rainbows and lollipops in his future. He feels you will be a great sport and "be there" if he needs anything else. Disabuse him of this. 

Don't let him spin the "we both agree that we grew apart and this is best for both of us" fib he is surely relating to one and all. Expose his treachery and the underhanded way your former best friend is attempting to destroy a nuclear family. 

If he walks after this then he was going to do it anyway. If you're going to go down - then go down swinging not singing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Your hope rests on exposing this to her husband. Take your evidence and inform him that they are communicating secretly and that she is his partner in crime in the breakup of your marriage.
> 
> Do not try to 'nice' her or him into or out of anything.
> 
> Expose asap.


This, gather all the evidence and expose both to her BH.

Plus talk to a lawyer and go to the yugular.
And embrace, live the 180. Dark on him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We hear many, many arguments from posters here about exposure. People are scared, worried, hesitant, convinced that it won't work, that the spouse will be angry, that the other spouse won't believe it.

Experience shows, though, that telling this deceitful woman's husband that she is secretly communicating with your H a lot and showing him evidence is the only weapon you have at your disposal at this point.

Shake the two of them up! Make it clear that they won't be able to succeed with their plan to keep all of their plotting under wraps. They will be angry. The husband may be skeptical and buy her BS, but you will have changed the calculus.

Do it now. Get your evidence together and talk to the husband right now.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but in order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to walk away from it. I would say the first thing you need to do is gather all of your evidence and approach your friends husband and expose the affair to him. Next you expose to his family and then to your family and close friends. The next thing you need to do is detach from him; it's called "the 180" and you can find it here on this site. Then you begin to file for divorce. Show him you are serious about not taking his crap. He's making you his plan "B" with your friend as his Plan"A". If you show him you are walking away now AND you expose the affair to her husband, he has no Plan "B" and Plan "A" just might blow up. That's your only chance at saving this.* In my opinion, if the affair has gone physical, just dump his sorry azz.
*
What is it with all these people bringing "best friends" so close to spouses. Jezz, that's all I'm hearing around here is "Best Friends" banging their friend's spouses. I'm thrilled that my wife and I never had any close friends. Somehow, I'm better off for it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Do it now. Get your evidence together and talk to the husband right now.


What she said!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> This, gather all the evidence and expose both to her BH.
> 
> Plus talk to a lawyer and go to the yugular.
> And embrace, live the 180. Dark on him.


Yes! This is what you do. This is your roadmap of how to 'stop their friendship.'

1. Expose to the husband.
2. Get a lawyer and get informed about a divorce; start the process.
3. Read about the 180 and start implementing:

The Healing Heart: The 180

4. Go dark on your H. Take care of yourself.

Do these things no matter how hard. You have to be tough to save your marriage.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Affairs thrive in the shadows of life, expose it to the life of day, but leave the kids out of the mess. She may be a lot of things, but a friend is not one of them. If she was a friend she would have tried to mediate the situation, instead of supplanting you. Don't give her the time of day.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Get angry, you know damm well he's not going to find himself. At least not under your friend's pants. 
Warn her husband. ASAP.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Expose on Cheaterville and She's a Homewrecker too. Put the focus on her in your story (it's a little bit of psychology).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She is already having sex with him.

She likes the apartment idea, then she will find excuses to spend time there.

They are getting their ducks in a row.

Buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one in his car under his seat, one in your house where he is likely to talk to her when you are not around, one under your bed. Don't wait to hear what they pick up.

Blow the affair up now.

Expose to her husband. Tell him what evidence you have.

Tell your husband you know, but not how. Tell him it has to end or you will file for divorce. If he doesn't admit it and end it, then tell your and his family and close friends what he is doing, with whom, and that you have convincing evidence. Don't tell him you are doing this just do it, only if he doesn't agree to give her up completely and work on the marriage. After 25 years of marriage, none of your friends and family will take you lightly. Ask them to support you and your children and to talk to your husband to influence him to return to your marriage and children.

File for divorce. You can stop it later if he comes around. Tell him you refuse to live another moment this way with him carrying on and plotting in secret behind your back with another woman. Tell him if it's only friends then he should have no problem showing everyone what the messages say or explain why he deletes those messages and only those messages.

You have to be able to walk away from the marriage. There is no guarantee you can save it, but taking a hard line against adultery gives you a better chance that sweeping it under the rug and trying to "nice" him out of it or use logic on them or appeal to their emotions. Right now, they don't care. Make them care.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Yikes, this is scary stuff! So far I only have one email I found that he has printed off. I haven't been able to figure out the password to look at the other ones, and he always has his phone with him, so no chance getting proof there either. I am going to a lawyer this week, so I will take their advice also.
It is even more complicated as we own a business together, so going dark is really not an option. So, if my marriage ends...so does our business. I am hoping the lawyer will be able to advise me on this. 
I am petrified to expose this and then have to face the anger etc. I am also unsure how I tell my kids what is happening. 
I will talk to her husband this week. 
Anyway I can get cell phone records on my husbands acct? Does the carrier keep track of the #'s being texted to? I know her # will show up constantly, but how do I get that proof?
Also, this is the opposite of what Retrouvaille says. They are encouraging me to connect with him not go dark. So confused, so worried I will make the wrong choice.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Play it cool. Don't tell your husband your going to an atty otherwise you're going to find the bank accts drained. At this point he thinks he has all the cards. He does have some - but not as many as he thinks - you have cards to play too. Play smart. 

Cool. Detached. Matter of fact. 

Start the 180 for your own well-being and to gather your strength. (the 180 is on the bottom of my post - click on it).

Tell your lawyer everything about the business and see if s/he can secure it in some way. Be sure you know where the financial records are kept and take possession of them if you can. 

Place a voice-activated recorder (VAR) in his car. Under his seat attached with strong velcro. Be sure the VAR works silently - test it out in your car to ensure it works. 

If you want to save this marriage you need to be the strong one and act with decisiveness. 

*Secure financials
*see a lawyer
*gather evidence
*exercise 180
*Expose with evidence

These steps are your best chances - they may not work but trying to beg, and be nice absolutely won't.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The cell provider will have a listing of all the numbers for calls and texts, but won't have the actual texts. (You can subpoena these to get hold of them, but they are not available otherwise to the customer.) If you can get into his account - if you are on the account, you have access already - you can get these listings.

You sound like all of the posters who come here frightened and unsure. I'm hoping you will understand that your H's behavior as well as yours and your ex-bf, is sadly quite predictable. The advice you are getting here is well vetted. 

Take some time to read some threads here that are similar to yours. You will see how much the betrayed spouse routinely regrets not exposing or waiting to expose. They pretty much always regret not telling the spouse of the AP right away.

Do some reading here. Note the similarities of the stories. Note the patterns. Learn from it.

Expose and get to your lawyer. Don't waffle.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thank-you, I will start reading!


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice. I read the 180s and will need to keep rereading them until they become habit. It will be hard. Do 180s actually inspire change in a WS or just change enough in me to not care so much and start living without them?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The spirit and ultimate purpose of the 180 is to help you recover yourself after a betrayal, but the 'new you' can also make the WS stand up and take notice.

You can't know this, but you wound up having some of the very best, most experienced, smartest posters weigh in on your thread today. I hope you will take their advice.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. I read the 180s and will need to keep rereading them until they become habit. It will be hard. Do 180s actually inspire change in a WS or just change enough in me to not care so much and start living without them?


Really it's about YOU and for YOU. 
But sometimes a WS gets scared ( and realises what they are losing) when they see the BS moving on, making plans for the future and being strong.
It's not what they expect and shifts the power balance... ie: he or she who cares most holds the power in the relationship.

You have to take back your power committed...to regain self respect and to take the power away from the cheaters. Exposing to the OWH will help this happen. I would do this sooner rather than latter.

I'm so sorry your going through this... it really is a double betrayal. I really feel for you.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> I am petrified to expose this and then have to face the anger etc.


That's fairly obvious to everyone reading your posts and if it's obvious to us it's obvious to Romeo and Juliet over there; It's no wonder they've been skating through this for four months.

You need to disrupt lover girls life as soon as possible, email her husband with the story, tonight! Quit dragging your feet on this, hell, your "best Friend" is working him hard and you're sitting around whining! Get into the fray, blow it up, open the husbands eyes.

T


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

thanks so much for the support. 
alte Dame, I am brand new to this forum so yes, I do not know who is experienced etc. but I will take your word and be grateful that they weighed in on my thread.
Waiwera- thank you for the sympathy. It is a double betrayal of the worst kind. She has taken my loving husband from me and left me alone, and he has taken away my best friend who should be there to support me through this tough time. 
It is so painful.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Tony55- I will 'blow it up'. 
When I read my posts and others responses, I feel my weakness. I am strong and smart-yet somehow the real anger in this won't come to me. My sadness and disappointment is too strong. I wish the general P*ssed off feelings would set in.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

committed1217 said:


> Tony55- I will 'blow it up'.
> When I read my posts and others responses, I feel my weakness. I am strong and smart-yet somehow the real anger in this won't come to me. My sadness and disappointment is too strong. I wish the general P*ssed off feelings would set in.


The anger will come... right now your are no doubt shocked and stunned and numb.

You will get stronger...and strength will come from the power of knowing how to cope and deal with these people who lie and cheat and betray.

Where is your H living now?


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

at home. He sleeps on the couch. He is always leaving real estate magazines etc. around. I think to remind me he'll be leaving soon. He keeps saying that nothing much will change. We will still do things with the kids together and work together, but will live separately and we'll all be happier. BLAH. Makes me sick. 
I asked earlier for any advice on what to tell kids. Younger one will need little explaining but my teen will want answers.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Committed,

Unless you expose your H and his OW (your best friend, neighbour and whose kids play with yours), there can be no end to their affair, and there can be no future for your marriage. I realize that he has already started looking for an apartment. WTF.

He has emotionally chcked out, and possibly got physical with the neighbour and best friend of yours.

Apart from talking to your lawyers for matters relating to business ownership etc, IMO, you should discuss this with OWH. You can let him know that you have no evidence and I think he will help you from his side.

Get hard. Focus on yourself. Your kids.

Time to be strong. Dont do the mistakes most of us did like Beging for marriage, dont leave me, I love you and I want to the marriage to work, look at our kids and their future etc. Dont cry.

Stay strong.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you need to 180 his ass and expose this "neighbor" to her husband.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

His fantasy - you still will be his rock at home, loyal and supporting of him, but he will be able to have sex with someone else. Best of both worlds for him, two women devoted to him.

If you keep on your current path, he will not change. Why should he?

You don't need more evidence than you have now. We all can see right through it. So will all of your friends and relatives. Other woman's husband probably will, but might not. You will have to point him in the right direction, tell him about the constant texting, the locked phone, whatever else you have.

Telling other woman's husband is the most important thing you can do.

It is important to attack this sooner rather than later. It also is important to take most of the actions - telling other woman's husband, confronting your husband, telling him your conditions, then exposing to your family and friends if he refuses - at just about the same time for it to be effective.

Let him know that you are no man's backup plan or second choice and if he doesn't want you, then he can get out. Let him know that if he thinks you are going to be all smiley and nice and that life will go on as usual while he gets an apartment so he can bang other women, he is sadly mistaken.

Also, you can tell him that after 25 years of marriage, having and raising children together, going through life's ups and downs, always remaining loyal to him, that he owes you the truth, not the lies and secretive sneaking around that he does now LIKE A COWARD. If you have a daughter, ask him what advice would he give his daughter if she one day found herself in your situation. If you have a son, ask him what advice would he give his son if in the same situation as him.

The voice-activated recorders should help a great deal with the evidence. Especially after you tell other woman's husband and confront your husband, then you probably will get the damning evidence on the recorder. Try to have them in place before you take any actions.

If you want to have any chance to save your marriage, you have to end his affair and let him know his fantasy about how you all will go on happy happy happy is just that - a fantasy.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks Will-Kane, I will get busy. I will start preparing my own 'speeches' to OWH and to my husband. Should be a very interesting and stressful week ahead!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, go get busy! Plan the exposure and do it! Don't wait for your anger. Believe me, it will come. Be methodical and committed now. You deserve so much more, so fight for it.

Do no tip your hand to your H before you talk to OWH. Very important.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to seriously disabuse your husband of this notion. The next time he brings up how nothing will change, let him know you plan on doing nothing together as you will be quickly looking for a better man.

You need to dress up and go out, even if its to the library, he doesn't need to know where you are. Surprise him with the fact that he is doing the babysitting.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, while you are out, stop by a dept. Store and splash a bit of mens cologne on.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> at home. He sleeps on the couch. He is always leaving real estate magazines etc. around. I think to remind me he'll be leaving soon. He keeps saying that nothing much will change. We will still do things with the kids together and work together, but will live separately and we'll all be happier. BLAH. Makes me sick.
> I asked earlier for any advice on what to tell kids. Younger one will need little explaining but my teen will want answers.


Burn this foggy fantasy ASAP. It's a delusional narrative he has in his mind to feel better about himself. He believes nothing will disrupt this fantasy, and you even less, he has demonized, degraded you as a partner in his head, he believes you are weak and which you will resign yourself with whatever he dishes you as you are of little value for him now. Magical thinking is pretty common among cheaters, they feel at chargue of everything, they overstimate his control nad understimate your strenth.

Tell him once you put the ball rolling you don't want him as a friend, bussiness partner, confident and anything related at any capacity. He will be your ex husband and coparent. Period. He can expect at best politeness. That's all. Nothing will be the same, the bussiness, the "family" gatherings, nothing. It will looks like real divorced families instead of this hollywood movie in which you wil be so happy he's happy himself.
Friends don't behave this way, friends don't lie, maniulate, sneak around and f0ck mutual friends.

Get the undeniable evidence there's at your reach and blow this forever.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

committed1217 said:


> at home. He sleeps on the couch. He is always leaving real estate magazines etc. around. I think to remind me he'll be leaving soon. He keeps saying that nothing much will change. We will still do things with the kids together and work together, but will live separately and we'll all be happier. BLAH. Makes me sick.
> I asked earlier for any advice on what to tell kids. Younger one will need little explaining but my teen will want answers.


Arrhh!! OK I'm mad for you now!
What a stupid thing to say..." nothing will change".

He wants it all doesn't he.... his dream is no doubt he loyal loving family at home and place of his own so he can eat cake.

Personally I would let him know EVERYTHING will change.
I would make sure he receives none of the benefits of having that loving loyal family... no family fun together, no dinners at home and the likes, no visits/conversations unless it's about work or the children.

As far as telling your children...it depends on the children and the ages of them. The teen probably already knows something is going on. Follow your gut instinct, answer questions...you know this teen better than anyone... I'm sure you will know what is right and kind to divulge. 
I don't believe in telling young children all the adult 'goings on' but they do need to know, in basic terms, what's happening and where they and those they love are going to be living...they certainly need reassurance. 

How are you feeling about the 180? 
It's a lot to take in...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you should be as honest with your children as you can be. If you don't really know exactly what is going on yet because you need proof, tell them that their father is moving out and you aren't really sure why yet. Tell them that you will explain everything as soon as you are sure. 

If you can blow up the affair (and it is an affair) and he thinks better of leaving, then you can revisit what/how much you tell them. At that point, you say that their father was confused for a while and you are discussing things and trying to work it out, that you love them, etc.

If he leaves and is with her, then tell them the truth - that their father has a girlfriend and that you won't live with this, that a marriage is between two people.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks, I have really been struggling with what to tell my teen. I know he is aware of more than I think. His previously great relationship with his dad is very strained now and he is stuck like glue to me. I believe he is in 'protection mode' of his mom. He is a great kid who doesn't deserve any of this stress. I want to tell him, but I also want to protect him from it all. I also told husband if he was leaving-he had to tell kids 100% on his own and I will let them know that I am wanting dad to stay and work on building a better marriage and dad chooses not to.
I saw OWH today, did I mention that we are also neighbours(?). It's just lovely looking out at her house everyday...make me ill. Anyways, saw her hubby and couldn't bring myself to go talk with him. Too nervous. Decided that I need another friend to help me. I am going to ask a mutual friend to go with me to see him and ask her to force me into it, and help me find the words if I struggle. I understand this is necessary, but the idea of introducing all this pain into another BS and his family is horrible. I hate to be the one who has to tell him. BUT, I will do anything to save my marriage and keep my kids in a home with both mom and dad. Thanks for all the support.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

committed1217 said:


> but the idea of introducing all this pain into another BS and his family is horrible. I hate to be the one who has to tell him. BUT, I will do anything to save my marriage and keep my kids in a home with both mom and dad. Thanks for all the support.


It's not YOU introducing this pain and damage to them...your H and the OW already did that. 
IMO you are saving him....not harming him. Imagine if the situation was reversed, would you want him to know and not tell you? 

Just be prepared for any kind of reaction...people sometimes do weird/unexpected things when they get shocking news. 

I'm so glad you have a good friend to support you for the exposure to OWBH. Maybe put everything down on paper, in bulletin points, so you don't forget anything or get flustered.. 
You can leave that with him when you leave.

Just know in some situations exposure on it's own can cause an affair to cease, immediately coming to a crashing halt.
Affairs and secrets like to hide in the dark.... exposure to the nearest and dearest is often a deathly blow....not always but often and you won't have to pretend anymore to anyone.

I just can't get over how much these two have sh!t in their own nests. Neighbours and best friends... you having to see OW any day... it's really heartless.
Just a horrible horrible situation for you to be in and the poor unsuspecting and unknowing OWBH.

As far as telling the kids... I like you plan. Make your H take responsibility. This is his want not yours. Let him own it!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> Tony55- I will 'blow it up'.
> When I read my posts and others responses, I feel my weakness. I am strong and smart-yet somehow the real anger in this won't come to me. My sadness and disappointment is too strong. I wish the general P*ssed off feelings would set in.


You have been betrayed. Don't beat yourself up about your emotions. Its only natural to be confused, scared, angry, etc. The point is that, as all the posters have said, you can be strong now that you are armed with the right information.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

waiwera said:


> It's not YOU introducing this pain and damage to them...your H and the OW already did that.
> IMO you are saving him....not harming him. Imagine if the situation was reversed, would you want him to know and not tell you?
> 
> Just be prepared for any kind of reaction...people sometimes do weird/unexpected things when they get shocking news.
> ...


:iagree:


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

The first thing is you can't STOP anything. When you acknowledge that you have NO CONTROL over those two, you will start to make the right decisions for you.

I tried the be really nice to the spouse thing - certainly didn't work because the OW already was meeting the needs that I hadn't been. "Oh you're just so funny, thank you so much for shoveling the driveway". 

Expose, Expose, EXPOSE! They don't like it - they won't be grateful; but that neighbor's husband has a RIGHT to know what his wife is doing. I waited for 3 months to do this and wish I would of done it from the very beginning. It would of stopped a lot of the crap that happened. Oh my husband was pissed, really pissed, but you know...it woke his ass up.

The funny thing is after I told her husband, he didn't beat her up?? Hmm, he wasn't crazy like she told every one. It's amazing how that works! 

My hubby moved out about 3 hours from where we all lived. They talked on the phone for another couple months - then there was one last blow out between the neighbors with her calling the cops because he wouldn't text her back about how the kids were doing. Hmm, she was escorted from the property. The best part of my whole story:

I was talking to my hubby on the phone and detailing it from our front window. He says, why are you laughing? I said, I'm just watching your new life...OH LOOK, your girlfriend is being asked to leave the property. Wow, HE MUST be the crazy one...

I don't know what happened, but it was over after that. My hubby waited to go to counseling for awhile; but I kept on going by myself. Then he started going...

The few things I wish people would of told me: 
1. You aren't alone! 
2. You aren't crazy!
3. It will end eventually!

Make yourself happy - plant your flowers, live your life. You only have one. You aren't alone, you aren't crazy and it will end. Hugs to someone that I will never meet, but understand. You are special, you don't deserve this - and tell her husband.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You may want to write out what you want to say to OWH, so that the emotions of the event do not overcome you. Your emotions are valid and quite expected for this kind of situation, so don't be hard on yourself if you don't do it perfect.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

thank-you hmotherw. The last few lines of your post were very comforting. Don't know why they effected me so, but they did. I think the idea of planting my flowers and living my life was a nice thought. My kids, family and friends love me. They want me to be happy. Strangers on this forum have given good advice, well wishes and hugs from afar. It is so sad that the man who committed to love and cherish me has fallen so short of that these last few months. I think tomorrow I will plant some new flowers in my garden. I will plant them to remind myself that someday this will end and I will be happy and wiser for it.
VWF- I will write it all out. I am afraid to talk with him (OWH). I have no idea how he will react. I am going to be honest and ask for his help in stopping this. I am concerned he won't see the urgency because I believe it is an EA and has not gone PA. He may still be buying the 'just friends' line they are feeding us. I will ask him to check her cell records. I tried to get my WH's cell records today but discovered I've been locked out of accessing our account. Now I am trying to figure out a way to have him give me access to the phone records. Although does it really matter? I'm locked out ...proof enough!


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## Dodge (May 9, 2013)

Exposé! Blow this up! Call the OW and let her know that since she came into your world, you have just entered hers. Of course, you would have just exposed. You also let her know about the hysterical bonding you have just enjoyed with your WH. Of course WH has assured her he hasn't touched you for months before he took up with her. She will become the betrayed and he will live hard. It will be good. They actually believe that they are end all and be all when it comes to sex. I remember destroying OW when I told her our sex life never ended. She actually thought he was saving himself for her when they could cross them miles and meet.


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

Good Morning Committed,

Hope you have a wonderful day and plant those flowers. 

You may also find that when you talk to your OWH that he might already have the same feeling. Mine did and he made me feel okay to talk about it. He knew something but just couldn't put his finger on it. I gave him as much info as I had and let him deal with his wife. The more evidence you show him, the harder it will be for her to talk her way out of it.

I had all the records, both their secret cell phone numbers. It made it very believable. Watch your husbands behavior - they act different. (at least mine did) It really is a gut instinct. 

One thing my mom said that stuck with me, "Sweetie, you and only you can give away your power." Took a lot of late night phone calls with my family and friends - I cried A LOT! 

I still cry a year later, but I have some beautiful flowers.  Check back in and let me know how you are doing.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

thanks again hmotherw. I will keep everyone posted on how it goes. How are you doing in your marriage? Is your story on here? Please feel free to share if you are comfortable. Raining here today...maybe it is a sign! I have to shelter myself from the rain now, but it will help my flowers grow!
committed


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Sooner you blow it up the better. And make sure your husband and his AP have ZERO idea of what you plan to do, elsewise when you do finally go to expose her she will have her husband sold on the idea of you being some crazy spouse whose jealous of her. 

Don't be afraid. whether he is outwardly receptive to you or not, hes definitely going to be having some questions for his wife, and even that would probably be enough to spook her. 

I wish I had someone to tell me about my ex's affair. It'd probably be less painful than having to snoop, play detective, and find what you were praying you wouldn't find.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

well, I spoke to OWH. I told him I thought we needed to talk. He was unaware of the emotional affair, but knew they texted a lot. I told him what was happening and he surprised me by saying his wife told him she was leaving him, two weeks before my husband told me. So these two who are 'just friends' text and meet in secret and are both leaving their spouses, but how dare I call it an affair! So OWH is sad and confused just like me. I told him not to say anything right now until we have a plan. 
So...what's my plan? What should we do/say to get these two to stop. I still want to work things out with my husband. OWH doesn't seem to care as much, just is worried about his kids. Help please.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Get yourself a shark atty immediately. You may also want to consult with a few of the other top divorce lawyers in your community - esp if they offer a free initial consultatin. That will preclude your h from retaining them. 

Ask your atty to go for the throat. That will set him back on his heels. Expose the affair far and wide on both their parts. Do it in a way that asks for support:

"My husband and xxx are carrying on in an affair which threatens to break up two families with young children. They seem hell bent on on this destruction. I ask for your support in this crisis"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Get yourself a shark atty immediately. You may also want to consult with a few of the other top divorce lawyers in your community - esp if they offer a free initial consultatin. That will preclude your h from retaining them.
> 
> Ask your atty to go for the throat. That will set him back on his heels. Expose the affair far and wide on both their parts. Do it in a way that asks for support:
> 
> "My husband and xxx are carrying on in an affair which threatens to break up two families with young children. They seem hell bent on on this destruction. I ask for your support in this crisis"


What he said the best way to end an affair is to expose it.:iagree::iagree:


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

what do I need to ask attorney? Do they already know what to do or do I need to go in with specifics. I guess my biggest concern is custody of kids and our home.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> well, I spoke to OWH. I told him I thought we needed to talk. He was unaware of the emotional affair, but knew they texted a lot. I told him what was happening and he surprised me by saying his wife told him she was leaving him, two weeks before my husband told me. So these two who are 'just friends' text and meet in secret and are both leaving their spouses, but how dare I call it an affair! So OWH is sad and confused just like me. I told him not to say anything right now until we have a plan.
> So...what's my plan? What should we do/say to get these two to stop. I still want to work things out with my husband. OWH doesn't seem to care as much, just is worried about his kids. Help please.


It's very common for people in A's to keep things secret until they have maneuvered themselves out of their marriages. Then, once some time has passed, they present the affair partner as someone new and act like everything was aboveboard in the marriage and divorce. People who do this are very worried about having their reputations sullied in any way.

You could expose these two to family and friends now. Bringing it out in the open could stunt this process.

No matter what, do not let your H continue to tell you that everything is the same except he now lives apart from you. Call BS on that immediately.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What you want to do is to disabuse your wh of any idea that he will still have the comforts of your grace, the ability to see his kids at will, etc. He thinks he's headed for disneyworld. In other words make D difficult. It will create stress w h and ow.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You need to wear a stone mask in their presence. 180 all the way. No arguements. The more "real" your distance becomes the more likely he is to reconsider. This may not work but it IS your best chance.

180
180
180
180

All the time all the way


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thank-you. So, he is still living in the house. I go see an attorney and then...expose them? Tell him I've been to attorney and then do I ask him to leave or give up OW or do I do nothing and just 180 ?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Say nothing to him about the atty. Not one word. Just do it. When he gets served tell him it's your preference if he leaves now.

You see, he wants things on HIS time frame. Since he's seen you in paralysis mode he has no real fear and feels in control. Shock the krap out of him. 

Start the 180 tonight. Expose tomorrow and don't warn him.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Both you two betrayed expose to family and friends then after that you two tell them together that you both filed a little shock and awe.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would go to an attorney. Then, tell him you have done that and that he needs to leave. See what his reaction is.

If he leaves, expose. If he wants to work on the marriage, then you can revisit the exposure.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I may ramble here but I think a 25 year marriage can be saved. First your husband is in deep fantasy land...you don't have concrete proof of a PA, just an EA. (although we all know on TAM that it is almost cetain to be a PA). If you want to have any chance, you need to expose (and shock) with better proof if that's possible. (He will deny, deny, deny, with the proof you have)..

Work together with the other husband but look at some of the measures that Dreyes successfully took on his thread (much shorter marriage, but once he suspected something, he took some swift actions that gave him concrete proof). This may include VAR, hiring a PI, getting photos, etc.

The reason I say this is that your husband has a gameplan that most married affair partners have. They talk to each other about an escape plan and living happily ever after with each other. In most cases, it's fantasy (but hurtful). Your husband's secret plan is working great right now...he is going to move out and find his own way, then "eventually" start "dating" your former best friend. That is what he and the neighbor have planned because it's too embarrassing for them both to admit that they want to leave their marriage now as they have been boinking each other right under your nose and the OWH's nose. You see, your husband wants to look good that it wasn't an affair with the neighbors wife that caused him to leave. It's a facade.

So, he needs a real wake-up call. Get better proof ASAP and throw it under his nose. He needs to be lifted out of his fog first until you can decide if R is even possible. 

I was like you...married 27 years...caught wife in an 8 month affair with a male coworker (who we went out with his wife as a couple) ...had fantastick proof...was stupid not to expose to OMW right away....but when I did a month later to OMW, the OM ran for cover dropped my wife immediately like a hot potato. I am hoping that this could be your wife's husband's wake-up call also, once he is completely embaressed with proof. 

Now it's up to me if I want an R...it's going well so far...and the fog lifted about 1 month after exposure. 

So, work together and get proof asap. Then you decide what you want to do and if its worth saving. Husband will then need to do heavy lifting 24/7/365.

Now, this may not work. He may still leave anyway and be with this other woman. but you asked on your thread if you can save this marriage, so I think you have to suprise-attack him to get him out of his coma.


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

I would definitely talk to an attorney. I went to a consultation, and just asked questions. The AP had already moved out into another house and my hubby was still living with us. 

The OWH and I exposed everything on her facebook. 
She called us both psychos and promptly shut her facebook acct down. Hubby moved to his moms - afraid her hubby was going to make it physical. Him and I were the crazy ones, right? 

The thing is Committed, they really are both living in la la land. Everything is so new and nice and happy. Throw 3 kids in and then another 3 kids in...6 kids, how long is that going to be realistic? They didn't work that detail out I guess.

It really is an addiction. She met an emotional need that you weren't meeting (which he obviously didn't tell you). But you won't be able to meet that need until she is out of the picture.

At this point, I am sure you are willing to try - but just remember, that betrayal, that hurt, it will ALWAYS be there. There are always triggers - stupid things, but still triggers. 

There will probably be trickle truth. This wont get easier, it will get harder first. And the just "EA" part - I'm sorry sweetie - but be ready for the hard truth. The close proximity, the amount of secrecy, the both moving out parts...it doesn't add up. I'm not saying it couldn't just be an "EA", but prepare yourself for the worst of it because you have to be able to forgive for everything. Unfortunately, I am the type of person that struggles with forgiveness - make sure you know what you are capable of. I wish sometimes I would of thought about this more. 

I read a couple books that helped me. Break free from the Affair was a really good resource for me. It broke down the different kind of affairs and the actions to take. It at least helped everything make sense to me. I am now reading a book on forgiveness. (lol!) 

Oh as for the other hubby, I am sure his heart is breaking. He is focusing on his kids to keep sane and because his world is falling apart. 

Purple tulips are the best =)

Hugs!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Say nothing to him about the atty. Not one word. Just do it. When he gets served tell him it's your preference if he leaves now.
> 
> You see, he wants things on HIS time frame. Since he's seen you in paralysis mode he has no real fear and feels in control. Shock the krap out of him.
> 
> Start the 180 tonight. Expose tomorrow and don't warn him.


This, exactly. You can't save a marriage until you are ready to leave it. It's extremely hard to fathom this concept in your situation, but trust me, and dozens of others in this forum who have been where you are. It's the ONLY thing that works. You can't nice your way out of this.

I think people take the 180 too literally sometimes. I eventually did this naturally. You simply do the following:

1) don't engage him at all - but be polite (however emotionless and matter of fact) if he engages you
2) make yourself scarce and unavailable - meet friends out, go to the gym, etc. Be busy and important.
3) do absolutely no favors for him. Make him wash his own dishes, do his own laundry, etc, etc. I mean NOTHING. Especially the stuff you usually do.

#3 is very important - he will likely say something like "you do a load of shirts lately? I'm out of shirts." You say, "I washed mine. You can do your own now." Remember NO EMOTION. Just fact. Make him taste what it will be like without you doing that kind of stuff for him.

Also, NO to the "we'll still do stuff as a family with the kids". Nope, nope, nope. You tell him, WITHOUT EMOTION (see a pattern?), that future family events will be just you and the kids, and if he wants to do things separately with them, that's fine.

Go cold as a fish, but don't be mean. Follow?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

First, so sorry you are here. I just today read your story. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many people here who have been JUST where you are (cheaters really do have a book they all read) and we are here to help. My own 30 year marriage ended 22 months ago, when I discovered my xw and my friend were having an affair. Upon my discovery, she walked, with two suitcases in her hands, five blocks to his house and moved in. 24 hours later I had a text telling me her attorneys name and phone number. I called, met that day with her attorney and was given a list of what she wanted from the house! When my xw was approached by a mutual friend who asked her what about our family, my xw replied, "Oh Hoosier will get over it, why we plan on all of us getting together at Christmas, having dinner together, it will just be fine!" WTF? You see they really are in a fog! I told her the only way OM was going to be in my house was if he were in a pine box on display! Just today as I read your story, I was so thankful for TAM. Thankful that I listened to the advice given. Thankful that I had ACTED, I did not allow myself to be a doormat, dont you! Maybe you can save your marriage (I couldnt save mine, I wanted to be she was not interested) and maybe you cant. But your best chance is to be strong, take no s**t. Most of all, take care of yourself, get healthy, get active. And know that maybe you could of done some things better in your marriage, but the affair is all ON HIM! Good luck and come back often to let us know what is going on with you.


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> (cheaters really do have a book they all read) .


SOOO TRUE! I always wondered what "I love you, but I'm not in love with you meant." Then I googled it...


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You seem very timid about what to do....so was I, for a long time. I laid down and let my husband dish out so much crap to me and I still stayed. It wasnt until I said Ive had enough and dont want to be treated this way anymore that things changed. THEN and only THEN was he willing to go to counseling, end his affair and give me total transparency. I tried the nice approach because I as afraid of losing him...didnt work! He was able to have his cake and eat it too! Now Im telling him he can either treat me the way I deserve to be treated and respect me or he can go and I really dont care if he goes. I would be sad, and it would hurt to feel like I wasnt worth it to him but someone out there would treat me well, it might just take a while to find them!

My suggestion to you is to see a lawyer, start the process for a divorce (you have to be willing to lose him in order to keep him) this process shows him that you wont be Plan B and that you are taking charge of your life and not waiting on him to do what he wants on his time frame!

The OM needs to do the same thing. Do you work? Make sure you take your money out of any accounts you have before it gets ugly. Go totally dark on him, dont give him the time of day, dont cook for him, dont communicate with him unless its about the kids, act as if he doesnt exist in your world. Do not cry, beg or plead. It all sounds counter productive considering you want to save this marriage but I promise that doing this versus crying and pleading will get you further and it will make you feel like you have control of your own life!!

I hate that you're here, I know how awful it feels when you first find out!


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Well, he left. I confronted him with a text from the OW saying "I'm so proud of you, not just today but always. XXXXXXXX" I asked him to at least tell me the truth and he was silent. He said I already know the reason he is leaving. Because he doesn't want to be vulnerable to me or anyone else. He wants to go find himself. AND they are just friends. I asked for him to please stay and work on building our relationship. He said no. I was confused as to why she was "proud" of him, but it was clear to me when I went to help him pack and discovered that his closet was empty. 
I made him tell the kids, he was just going to walk out without speaking to them. He said, I don't want to be married anymore and I'm going to live at grandmas until I get my own house. Then he left. No hug the kids good bye, no sorry, no not to worry I'll take care of you, I love you, nothing.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What a [email protected] Calm yourself and although you may not realize it and even deny it... it's probably best for you in the long run. You don't need the aggravation. 

Keep that in mind when he returns and pretends "nothing happened" he'll say he just need a little space. We, and I hope, you know better. 

Vent here. You'll need to do that. Don't humiliate yourself further.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> Well, he left. I confronted him with a text from the OW saying "I'm so proud of you, not just today but always. XXXXXXXX" I asked him to at least tell me the truth and he was silent. He said I already know the reason he is leaving. Because he doesn't want to be vulnerable to me or anyone else. He wants to go find himself. AND they are just friends. I asked for him to please stay and work on building our relationship. He said no. I was confused as to why she was "proud" of him, but it was clear to me when I went to help him pack and discovered that his closet was empty.
> I made him tell the kids, he was just going to walk out without speaking to them. He said, I don't want to be married anymore and I'm going to live at grandmas until I get my own house. Then he left. No hug the kids good bye, no sorry, no not to worry I'll take care of you, I love you, nothing.


WOW what a sorry sack of crap he is!! TO walk away from your kids with no concern for them....disgusting. I hope you take him through the ringer..he deserves it. Let him find himself...on the side of the road in a ditch when he has noone left in his life that was always there for him!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> Well, he left. I confronted him with a text from the OW saying "I'm so proud of you, not just today but always. XXXXXXXX" I asked him to at least tell me the truth and he was silent. He said I already know the reason he is leaving. Because he doesn't want to be vulnerable to me or anyone else. He wants to go find himself. AND they are just friends. I asked for him to please stay and work on building our relationship. He said no. I was confused as to why she was "proud" of him, but it was clear to me when I went to help him pack and discovered that his closet was empty.
> I made him tell the kids, he was just going to walk out without speaking to them. He said, I don't want to be married anymore and I'm going to live at grandmas until I get my own house. Then he left. No hug the kids good bye, no sorry, no not to worry I'll take care of you, I love you, nothing.


Committed

Your H is a coward.

So treat him like the coward he is by being strong, determined and trustee for your family.

Go see that attorney and let him know what has transpired.

Your H could not even tell you the truth about the OW.

Get access to your cell account. It is yours too!

HM64


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer ASAP. They have been plannig it for ages. They are way ahead.
Nail him to the wall.
And expose them to everyone he cares about.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Committed

I've been following your thread since the beginning. Just know that you have more "friends" than you realize. 

I am so sorry to hear of this latest development. Your H is more of a scum than I realized. To walk away from his own children the way he did......

Has OW moved out yet? It will be interesting to see if she has the nerve.

Continue to follow the advice given here. Perhaps OWH could join the thread? H and OW wouldn't know what hit them if both of you are getting counsel from the great folks on here.

Seems like this may be a race between you and H to file. If you get to it first, he will know he's no longer pushing you around.

Hug your kids tonight. I'm sure you all need it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Committed,

What lousy thing for him to do to you and your kids.

When his new relationship fails and it will, I wouldn't be surpised if he gives you the "I made the biggest mistake of my life" speech.

I know you still love him, but don't fall for it. You should start a Journal, Today, and right down what he's said, what he's done and how you feel.

Then in the future if he says he want's to get back together with you, READ, READ and READ some more.

I'm not saying that he will come back, or that you'd even take him back by then, but be ready for this situation incase it does arise.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now. Be careful not to set yourself up for more pain in the future.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Lawyer ASAP. They have been plannig it for ages. They are way ahead.
> Nail him to the wall.
> And expose them to everyone he cares about.


Yes, they've been planning this. Lawyer up. Expose before they can act like they magically found one another after the fact.

He's a true sh!theel.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> my best friend.


Your best friend would have told you she was having intimate conversations with your husband. 

Wait, strike that.

A best friend would have talked to him, told him to inform you, asked if he talked to you and then told you what was in the conversation. All of this would have occurred BEFORE it crossed a line. Stop calling her a best friend and do not believe her when she says "it just happened."

Go get em.


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

I'm sorry, Committed. I am sure you are hurting even more than already, but you already knew. You just didn't want to admit it to yourself. I so remember that feeling, standing in my driveway - watching him pack up his truck and trailer as if it was SO easy. 

He had such a stone look on his face - like he didn't even know me. I remember thinking to myself, what the HELL just happened? I was with him for 12 years and someone had his heart in 2 months...AFFAIR FOG! He was COLD, so cold. 

Then I read and I read, I WENT to counseling for me - I was loosing it. I called my mom 4 times a day; I cried and work - ****, I left work most days. I went on anti-depressants. I started to try and do things with people at work.

And then I was listening to the radio - 

Like a skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like, there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have 
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows, still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have 
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

And I STILL listen to that song, when I start to feel down. I posted on my facebook, Like a skyscraper..my oldest sister said, well then you Most BEAUTIFUL, sister ever...I'll just have to parachute in. 

No matter the outcome sweetie, you will rise from the ground. Your kids will watch you, you will find that piece of strength and power from a place you never EVER thought existed.

Don't you worry about the woman. She was just at the right place at the right time. She's pathetic. (Although, I will admit even after a year - I pray for karma for her...lol!) 

WORK ON YOU. BE HAPPY FOR YOU. You do have friends, you have people that care even though they've never met. You are

Not alone, not crazy and it will end. And believe you me, you will be wiser, stronger and as my counselor says - not naïve.

Hugs!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

hmotherw said:


> I'm sorry, Committed. I am sure you are hurting even more than already, but you already knew. You just didn't want to admit it to yourself. I so remember that feeling, standing in my driveway - watching him pack up his truck and trailer as if it was SO easy.
> 
> He had such a stone look on his face - like he didn't even know me. I remember thinking to myself, what the HELL just happened? I was with him for 12 years and someone had his heart in 2 months...AFFAIR FOG! He was COLD, so cold.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

OP,I am familiar with such a situation and can imagine how horribly painful it must be. If you are able to act on the advice offered here, please do it.
The cheating/falling in love with the neighbor etc: as bad as that may seem, that's not the worst part of the story.

The fact that your H wants to make it look as though this situation has been above board is intolerable. We all make mistakes but at some point one should be forced to face up to them and make amends as best as possible. 

If he cannot be more straightforward then I guess you will have to help him do it!

Expose quickly. With respect to the children I would be as succinct as possible. Just the facts (ie. your father and I will separate for now, we will see, etc.)
I hope everything works out as you wish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

It's amazing to me how these WS always manage to find someone to egg them on. It's like an internal scanner they have that will keep scanning till it lands on someone saying what they want to hear.

It also amazes me how damaging one person in your spouses life can be. A person saying things like "how long are you going to put up with that" "he/she is abusing you" or "he/she isn't a good partner to you" and the big one "you deserve to be happy" 

All these statement are from a toxic person and should be red flags to anyone who has a "friend" that says them. 

A real friend will support the marriage not just one of you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

How are you doing committed?


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

I'm here again! I guess I belong in CWI. 
So, husband has been gone for almost one week. He lives at his mom's now while he looks for a house to rent. I have every intention of getting to the money first. Bills for our house need to be paid, long before his new place. He has been coming around a lot. Stopping in to pick up kids and taking them to park etc.D7 has gone with him to sleep over a few times now. I am finding that VERY HARD! I know she loves her dad and needs to have a good relationship with him, but I am so angry that his choices have broken up our marriage and now I don't have my D here with me every night. S14 hasn't gone for a visit yet. He says he will when he feels like it. I think he feels disappointed in his dad. 
Husband stills denies affair. Claims they are still just friends. All the secret calls, emails, alias names they used? Is it just one more lie, or could he really NOT think it is an affair because there was no sex. Who knows. So many questions I'll probably never get an answer to.
I am making plans to continue on without him. Starting to look out for myself and the kids. Slowly getting stronger. Still cry everyday, but I am grieving and need to go through that process. No way to skip the steps to healing.
I still have an intense anger for the ex-best friend/neighbour. Should I confront her and get it out? Write her a letter? or just forget it? I feel so betrayed by her also. She really was my best friend. She spent years telling me how she envied the love my husband had for me. She wished her husband was half that devoted. She used to joke and ask my H to 'make her a second wife'. I feel like she really worked on getting him. 
The anger for him is coming now too, I am just beginning to process it though.
Will he come out of this fog? Even if OW doesn't leave her husband and they continue to text and be 'friends'? OWH is still enabling them to continue. He is too afraid to upset her or put his foot down because she will leave. I wish he would, it would force them into the open and they would have to face reality. The way it is now, my H and OW can still text and talk all night if they want. 
I am finding a sense of peace not having him around. No more suspicious behaviour to deal with. No more wondering where he is or who he is talking to. Neighbours know he left and have commented that they knew something was up because they saw him going back and forth to her house many times. So humiliating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Out her to all your friends and neighbours, facebook too. Hang it right around her neck.

Her husband is such a weenie, no wonder she chases other friends men.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks for the prompt. I have outed her to friends...go further? 
What about me confronting her and telling her what I think of her?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks for the prompt. I have outed her to friends...go further?
> What about me confronting her and telling her what I think of her?


If you are like me you might have a lot of anger. I did when I was at that stage. I would have beaten the snot out of OM... For what purpose? To make me feel better? Stare her down if you see her if you have to. (That is actually fun)

Don't engage with her. You can get into trouble ( legal:unfit parent) pops into mind...

If a bystander sees you arguing with a fool, he won't be able to tell the difference. Do you want to be on Jerry Springer?

She's not worth it is my point. Chin up. Chest out. March on. You are doing a good job and I am so very sorry you are here. Do NOT let your emotions (anger) control you now. You have to be smart now and anger can get you off your game. Legal/Financial issues ahead... beware.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would buy a copy of Not Just Friends by S. Glass and hand it to him to read.

I would call the cell company and have her number blocked on his phone.

I would expose the affair to his parents.

I would be seeing a lawyer about seeing that he continues to contribute financially to the household.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

good point about the coming months ahead. I definitely don't want to jeopardize anything re my children. 
Also, I had no idea I could get her # blocked. That sounds fun!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> He said I already know the reason he is leaving. B*ecause he doesn't want to be vulnerable to me or anyone else.*


Well, after reading the thread again, you know this is lying. If he didn't want to be vulnerable to anyone, why would he do this?


> He has told her all his stress *and worries* and she has supported him and advised him.


Worries can and do contain fears, he is a liar. That makes him vulnerable to your former friend. He can't even lie effectively.

What a dishonest person.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Hey Committed

Most people would say that its not a good idea to contact OW. I understand those feelings though, I wanted to do it as well. Your feelings are way too raw right now to make it productive and in the end, it may not be productive at all.

However, it would probably be a good idea to write her a letter to never be sent. Just getting it down on paper helps a LOT!! I wrote OW a 6 page letter (never sent) putting her in her place! When I am having a hard time, I read it, sometimes aloud. Every thought I've ever had about her is right there.

I'm glad you are feeling stronger and starting to feel some sense of peace.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

So, starting to slowly detach from husband. It is still hard but, today I told him that I "release him". He can go and do whatever he wants to make himself happy. I plan on doing the same. BUT, he is still lying to me. He told me he was going to the office to work for a bit and would pick up D after. I phoned office to let him know he didn't have to...no answer, so I went out, drove by office, (it was on my way) his car wasn't there. Why, does he feel it so necessary to lie still and why am I still so bothered by it? It just seems so childish. 
Also, he is still denying the EA. Should I just forget it, or should I explain that not all affairs are sexual? I know everyone will say he is just lying some more, and you are probably right...however for argument sake, what if he truly believes this? Do I enlighten him? 
This bothers me because he is telling people that he has never been in an affair and never would, and I of course am telling people otherwise. BUT I feel like I always get that 'look' when I say Emotional Affair. Like the general population just doesn't get why I feel so betrayed by it. "It's not like it's a real affair, maybe they ARE just good friends?" blah...makes me so mad sometimes!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> This bothers me because he is telling people that he has never been in an affair and never would, and I of course am telling people otherwise. BUT I feel like I always get that 'look' when I say Emotional Affair. Like the general population just doesn't get why I feel so betrayed by it. "It's not like it's a real affair, maybe they ARE just good friends?" blah...makes me so mad sometimes!



LOL, sorry, I know you are in pain but if you save this post and read it again in a few years you'll feel much differently than you do today. 

You'll realize that - of course he wants to look like an honorable man in everyone's eyes. He may even look you in the eye (but will flinch) as he denies, denies, denies, what in his heart he knows are facts. The facts?

he's a liar
he's a cheater
he has no honor
he has no integrity

them's the facts lady.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry things have gone in this direction.

Please try not to get defensive when you talk to people.

Stay calm and measured and show as much sadness as you feel when you tell them that he is having an affair. You don't have to say 'emotional affair.' (Is the pain easier because you don't have proof that they are having sex?) If they are skeptical or say that he says otherwise, just say, "I'm sorry. I know he is having an affair with X. He won't admit it to other people. That's his problem."

And leave it at that. Short, to the point, factual.

When he introduces her to friends later on as his new 'love' they will all know that you were correct.

Again, I'm sorry.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are wasting your time trying to convince someone who is in denial, it will only frustrate you. Writing the letter to the other woman is a GREAT idea, sending it is NOT. It will allow you to vent all those things, then have a burning ceremony afterwards. This ceremony works well with a glass of Merlot...IMHO....lol. 

You need to get to an attorney and protect your and children's future. Do not vent to children about your displeasure, this should be done in counselling, which I feel you need to explore as well. Actually, I think that you are doing well under the circumstances. Also the shame of this situation is not yours, do not accept shame or blame, this is his alone.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks for all the responses. I am in the process of writing a letter to OW. I think I may read it to my supportive friends over a bottle of Shiraz (merlot gives me a headache, and I already have enough of those!)and then burn it. Then I feel like I got those feeling out in the open. 

I am beginning to dislike him and the separation is slowly getting easier. I do feel a sense of relief to be away from all the lying and betraying on a daily basis. I still hold a lot of anger at what he has done and am still so confused how such a loving husband could change so quickly. I am in counselling and I am working towards accepting that "it is what it is!" I also found a good friend on TAM that I can vent to.

I am still unsure of what to do with him wanting to be friends for the kids sake. I struggle, because he is pretty much the worst friend ever (aside from my Ex-best friend OW ) I don't like seeing him, it stresses me out and makes me incredibly sad that he has ruined our family. However, if I can get past my bitterness, isn't it better for our kids if we can do family things? Is it possible to have holidays together, dinner together? This is what he wants and tends to make me feel guilty if I don't agree with it. He says I need to be mature and work together to successfully co-parent. I know he is a jerk, for doing this to us and it is his fault for the lies, affair and leaving...but I will do anything to make life the best for our kids. 

Any thoughts? Anyone been in the same situation and if so what were the results?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You can co parent successfully without doing things as a family....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

committed1217 said:


> I am still unsure of what to do with him wanting to be friends for the kids sake. I struggle, because he is pretty much the worst friend ever (aside from my Ex-best friend OW ) I don't like seeing him, it stresses me out and makes me incredibly sad that he has ruined our family. However, if I can get past my bitterness, isn't it better for our kids if we can do family things? Is it possible to have holidays together, dinner together? This is what he wants and tends to make me feel guilty if I don't agree with it. He says I need to be mature and work together to successfully co-parent. I know he is a jerk, for doing this to us and it is his fault for the lies, affair and leaving...but I will do anything to make life the best for our kids.
> 
> Any thoughts? Anyone been in the same situation and if so what were the results?


No! No! No!

He is saying he "wants to be friends for the kids sakes" to be the ultimate cake eater extraordinaire. He wants to be able to keep his secure family life while giving himself to another woman (even if it is just emotional, which you do not know). 

Do not accept this. He needs to realize that he is giving up that privilege to indulge in his little game with the OW. Sorry, you can't have both. 

Don't make it easy for him. Deny this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When he goes on about the 'friendship' thing, aka his cake-eating, don't take the bait. Just say, 'I understand that that is your opinion.' Then continue with the 180.

He's been gaslighting you this whole time. Don't let him gaslight you on the 'friendship is good for our children' thing. Always remember that friends don't betray us.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He wants all the privileges of a nuclear family while living a separate life. uhuh. Not at all. Why confuse the kids with a pretend whole family? 

The kids will do fine - why pretend a nuclear family exists? He's not the cherry on top of family gatherings.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks again for the good advice. I have another question...
Do WH understand that what they are doing is wrong or are they 'temporarily insane' while this affair/separation/finding himself junk is going on? I feel like I need insight, but know it won't come from him!
Any good posts on TAM from a WH explaining their thinking during this time?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks again for the good advice. I have another question...
> Do WH understand that what they are doing is wrong or are they 'temporarily insane' while this affair/separation/finding himself junk is going on? I feel like I need insight, but know it won't come from him!
> Any good posts on TAM from a WH explaining their thinking during this time?


I don't think it's any different for a WH vs a WW. There are millions of examples on TAM about "the fog". Just search it. Too many to list. It's a fundamental element of infidelity rampant all over this forum.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

committed1217 said:


> Do WH understand that what they are doing is wrong or are they 'temporarily insane'


No insanity there. He knows it's wrong, that's why he kept hiding all their communication from you. Read your first post again.

She wasn;t your best friend.

I am sorry. But you are better off w/o these two idiots in your life.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> Your hope rests on exposing this to her husband. Take your evidence and inform him that they are communicating secretly and that she is his partner in crime in the breakup of your marriage.
> 
> Do not try to 'nice' her or him into or out of anything.
> 
> Expose asap.


I have seen this type of advice many times on TAM but what would telling the other spouse do? 

Not completely understanding the purpose of "exposure?"


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> We hear many, many arguments from posters here about exposure. People are scared, worried, hesitant, convinced that it won't work, that the spouse will be angry, that the other spouse won't believe it.
> 
> Experience shows, though, that telling this deceitful woman's husband that she is secretly communicating with your H a lot and showing him evidence is the only weapon you have at your disposal at this point.
> 
> ...


But what if there is a situation when there is no other spouse to expose things?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> I have seen this type of advice many times on TAM but what would telling the other spouse do?
> 
> Not completely understanding the purpose of "exposure?"


Telling the other spouse does many things.

It can end the affair, for one, since often the AP really doesn't want to give up the marriage.

It brings the affair out into the open to some extent and can cause a rethinking of the AP's.

Here is some text from Dr. W. Harley on exposure:

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

VeryHurt said:


> But what if there is a situation when there is no other spouse to expose things?


You then target his parents, siblings and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> Well, he left. I confronted him with a text from the OW saying "I'm so proud of you, not just today but always. XXXXXXXX" I asked him to at least tell me the truth and he was silent. He said I already know the reason he is leaving. Because he doesn't want to be vulnerable to me or anyone else. He wants to go find himself. AND they are just friends. I asked for him to please stay and work on building our relationship. He said no. I was confused as to why she was "proud" of him, but it was clear to me when I went to help him pack and discovered that his closet was empty.
> I made him tell the kids, he was just going to walk out without speaking to them. He said, I don't want to be married anymore and I'm going to live at grandmas until I get my own house. Then he left. No hug the kids good bye, no sorry, no not to worry I'll take care of you, I love you, nothing.


What a piece of sh!t


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some best friend.

You haven't lost anything here, Committed. They are both completely undeserving of having you in their life. 

Also, do NOT beg him to stay. It has exactly the opposite effect of what you want it to. 

He wants out? Wish him good luck and go dark.

And this thread is just another reminder of how most divorces are not mutual. 

It sucks.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> Telling the other spouse does many things.
> 
> It can end the affair, for one, since often the AP really doesn't want to give up the marriage.
> 
> ...


Frankly, the best thing exposure does (when it is the OMW or OWH) is result in the affair being attacked by both sides.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Frankly, the best thing exposure does (when it is the OMW or OWH) is result in the affair being attacked by both sides.


So true. Sadly, that turned out not to have that effect here. It very often does, though.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Thing is, if you can get in touch with your "mad" right now, it'll throw them off really bad. 

"Holy smokes, she's POed and means business! I had no idea she had this in her!"

You're going to get in touch with your mad anyway -- why delay? Start today. The sooner you get past these steps the sooner you'll get a better idea of where everything is going to go.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

He is not your friend, buddy or pal, he is your children's father. As such you need an amicable relationship and collectively do things that are in your children's best interests. This does not mean family events, you need to do fun things with the kids when you are with them and not just be the caretaker parent, while he gets to do fun stuff. It takes work on your part, but you can also make meal time a team event where the kids, make meals (under your supervision of course). The more that you as a group bond together to get through this, the better it will be for all of you. It is not easy, but I have confidence in you. 

I could be wrong, but I think that his little fling will fizzle out over time. That does not mean that he gets to come back in the fold. He looks like a candidate for cheating again if you did let him back. He is in an affair fog and does not have a grasp on the obvious, he may or may not ever get it unfortunately.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks for all the responses. I am in the process of writing a letter to OW. I think I may read it to my supportive friends over a bottle of Shiraz (merlot gives me a headache, and I already have enough of those!)and then burn it. Then I feel like I got those feeling out in the open.
> 
> I am beginning to dislike him and the separation is slowly getting easier. I do feel a sense of relief to be away from all the lying and betraying on a daily basis. I still hold a lot of anger at what he has done and am still so confused how such a loving husband could change so quickly. I am in counselling and I am working towards accepting that "it is what it is!" I also found a good friend on TAM that I can vent to.
> 
> ...


Jesus I want to beat the snot out of this POS


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

just got it 55-Do you want his address?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just got it 55 makes a great point - I hope you're letting him know that he's not in any position to lecture you on maturity.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do I stop their "friendship" (AFFAIR!)*



alte Dame said:


> Just got it 55 makes a great point - I hope you're letting him know that he's not in any position to lecture you on maturity.


Totally agree....

Ask him if he was being mature when deciding to step out on the marriage!!!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> just got it 55-Do you want his address?


I am only ascared of girls My two daughters can do me the most damage


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> But what if there is a situation when there is no other spouse to expose things?


For the marrieds, there is spousal exposure. For everyone else, there's Cheaterville.com.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is how you deal with doubters! Just look at them and whisper to them:



> See, it's like this. My husband was having an affair with xxxx, but she got a bad deal as my husband can't get it up. In fact, that was why I didn't mind seeing him go. Still, the plus side for xxxx's husband is that he doesn't have to get tested for STDs!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks for all the responses. I am in the process of writing a letter to OW. I think I may read it to my supportive friends over a bottle of Shiraz (merlot gives me a headache, and I already have enough of those!)and then burn it. Then I feel like I got those feeling out in the open.
> 
> I am beginning to dislike him and the separation is slowly getting easier. I do feel a sense of relief to be away from all the lying and betraying on a daily basis. I still hold a lot of anger at what he has done and am still so confused how such a loving husband could change so quickly. I am in counselling and I am working towards accepting that "it is what it is!" I also found a good friend on TAM that I can vent to.
> 
> ...


Next time he mentions his idea of the future let him know that you don't think the man who takes his place in the family he's leaving will want to socialize with him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

See, me and my wife are together we "co-parent." Me and ex-fiance broke up, I ended up taking care of my daughter for 13 years. She was a part-time parent.

I know that is splitting hairs, but that is how I defined it when my ex-fiance had her PA.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

180 on him, but let him know outright that this 'fantasy' of you two being co parents and acting like you're still married is NEVER gonna happen. That he is just the kids' father now. He can come pick them up, come do fun stuff with them, but if he thinks you'll all still be celebrating holidays together, going to movies together or anything like that than tell him hes got another thing coming. 

He will not be welcome at thanksgiving table

He will not be welcome at gift unwrapping at your home. 

The only thing I see him being at is if its' the kids birthday and they request it.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Hi everyone things are still much the same here...except that the friendship thing is fizzling out. I'm really not interested in being friends. If he wants to commit to reconciling and working on the marriage I might consider that but otherwise it is better if he isn't around.

Advice needed- He has been telling friends/family that he left because I am crazy. He states that I yelled that I hated him and that I threw my tea on the floor and also that I was snooping through his stuff. This bothers me greatly because I did all of that while I was trying to get the truth from him about his affair. He kept denying and I kept finding evidence. Yes, some of my behaviour was not very refined, but if he wasn't lying and cheating then I wouldn't have had anything to get angry about.

I know this isn't my fault, and that I should just ignore what he says as he is trying to make his case for the affair, but it really hurts. He lied to me for so long and now he is lying about me. What should I say to people when they tell me what he says?

I also found out he took OW and her daughter to the movies the other night. It was our sons bday weekend...he did nothing with him.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

The truth. That he was having an affair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> He lied to me for so long and now he is lying about me. What should I say to people when they tell me what he says?
> I also found out he took OW and her daughter to the movies the other night. It was our sons bday weekend...he did nothing with him.


You set them straight. Peeple who behaves badly has to justyify it to save face.

EDITED


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> I also found out he took OW and her daughter to the movies the other night. It was our sons bday weekend...he did nothing with him.


What do you tell people? The above line tells it all. He left his family for another woman and ..... (see above). The only thing you have to do is tell the truth. He seems to willingly give you all the ammunition you need. I hope that his antics are making this easier for you.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

for everyone who has been supporting me and offering advice while I figured this out-thank-you, I appreciate all of you.

Well the anger has finally arrived! My DD7 (just turned 7 last month) asked to talk to me about why dad left. She said that dad said it was because we were fighting but she thinks it is because dad has a girlfriend. I asked her why she thinks that. She said that a long time ago dad took her to *****'s house and **** told her to go play upstairs with her kids. She did but when they ignored her she came back downstairs. She saw dad and ***** kissing and hugging. She said" they were kissing all over the mouth...you know mom ,like love kissing". She also said they were telling each other I love you. When they saw her standing there *****told her "oh, you shouldn't be watching us!" DUH! 
From what I can figure this was 8 or 9 months ago. I am livid that my sweet little girl witnessed this and had it as a secret for so long. She didn't want to tell me because she thought it would make me cry.  

I want to talk to WH about this but don't know what to say or how to. This is the proverbial "straw" for me. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to 'divorce bust, or figure out his love language or his needs' I want him to grow up and start being truthful about all the hurt he has caused our family. Even though he may still deny, I feel like I need to get it all out before I move on. 
I have spent more than 4 months trying to 'nice him back' when I did nothing wrong in the first place. 
Advice??


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> for everyone who has been supporting me and offering advice while I figured this out-thank-you, I appreciate all of you.
> 
> Well the anger has finally arrived! My DD7 (just turned 7 last month) asked to talk to me about why dad left. She said that dad said it was because we were fighting but she thinks it is because dad has a girlfriend. I asked her why she thinks that. She said that a long time ago dad took her to *****'s house and **** told her to go play upstairs with her kids. She did but when they ignored her she came back downstairs. She saw dad and ***** kissing and hugging. She said" they were kissing all over the mouth...you know mom ,like love kissing". She also said they were telling each other I love you. When they saw her standing there *****told her "oh, you shouldn't be watching us!" DUH!
> From what I can figure this was 8 or 9 months ago. I am livid that my sweet little girl witnessed this and had it as a secret for so long. She didn't want to tell me because she thought it would make me cry.
> ...


Oh my heart breaks reading your post about your daughter. Your husband and ex best friend truly disgust me. 

My advice to you:

1. Go dark on him. ONLY answer his call and text when it is regarding your children. Ignore the rest. The opposite of love is indifference. You may be not there yet, but fake it till you make it. One day, you'll wake up and enjoy your day and realize that this POS (sorry, but he is!) hasn't entered your mind the whole day. Sooner or later, you will not care whatever happen to them. 

2. Take care of the divorce ASAP. I haven't read the whole thread but you need to do this. Forget about reconciling, imho. He cheated...and he cheated with your ex BEST FRIEND (of all women!)...AND he used your children as an cover-up for his affair? How are you going to forgive THAT? Really, think about it. I am generally of opinion that it's easier to forgive, forget over the top revenge, and just live well. People fall out of love everyday, yea it's sh*t that you don't have the cajones to say it to my face. Whatever. But there are some things that are just unforgivable. This is something that your daughter will never forget all her life. 

Would you even want a person who think so little of you and his children back? I call BS if he claims he didn't think that there was a chance your daughter might witness what they did. It must cross his mind but he didn't care. He risked it all over some p***y. URGH! They both are the lowest of the low!!!

3. Get help for your emotional wellbeing. I can only imagine how stressful and painful it has been for you. I am pretty sure that you are plenty angry but try to repress it. On the other hand you just cannot let go, and still have that tiny flicker of hope that he will be back. What you need to realize, you deserve a better man. At least do it for your children. Slowly learn to accept that your old life as you know it is gone. But guess what, losing one dream is not the end of the road. Dream of other things. 

Just imagine, the relief of not having to snoop and try to find proofs. Just imagine, that you don't have to walk around with that gut feeling something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it. Just imagine, all the time you have to do anything you want to do. The future that is filled with laughter of your children, the kisses and hugs from those who truly love and care for your wellbeing, that exhilarating feeling of achieving something and making your childhood dream comes true, and who knows? Maybe butterfly-in-your stomach of dressing up before your date shows up? Fall in love head over heels with someone new? Wedding bells? They are all possibilities now. Instead of thinking that he is leaving you for another woman, think of it as he is giving you a chance to upgrade and meet a better man without cheating on him. 

All the best. Keep breathing, it will get better. I promise you that.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thank-you everafter for your kind words.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Wow. Your husband gets a Darwin Award for not being very bright in the "hiding your affair" category. Channel that anger into solid crystal clear action.

You DID set everyone straight about what really caused the breakup? Is he still with the homewrecker?

D
Heal
Replace with non defective model that YOU DESERVE.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've now come to realize you can't nice a cheater out of their affair.

Your going to have to try a different approach - as others have suggested, go dak on him, but add in using exposure to cause their relationship strife and grief.

- exposé to her friends and family that she's cheating with a married msn with kids

- post her up on cheaterville.com

- how did they meet originally - exposé there too

- see a lawyer and do what you can to cut o ff his money supply, he might be a lot less attractive if he is broke


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

They met because her and I had been best friends for 5 years. We are also neighbours. I see her house everytime I go outside. Nice isn't it?!! 
My H moved out 6 wks ago , she is moving out this monday. I'm still waiting to talk to her H about this. I did before but he still believes they are 'just friends'. He said he would talk with me, but I think he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. He is still fighting for her and blaming himself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What a piece of sh1t!
Poor girl stuffing this kind of crap at her age, protecting you. Children shouldn't be put in the position to protect us. Shame on him, shame on her.

I believe I couln't refrain myself from having a few words about this with the scumbags, the last comunication beyond logistics, kids schedules...

Please, talk to your kid, tell her she didn't do anything wrong, they did, that she's precious. Be sure she doesn't blame herself for anything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If be talking to the other neighbors and exposing what's going on.

You want to destroy their fantasy.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Committed

Repeat to her Husband what your daughter told you.

Then go meet your Husband.

And give him one kick to the nuts.

Tell him that is for lying all these months and putting your D in a really bad spot with bad memories.

Then divorce his sorry butt.

He deserves no less and you deserve better.

Go find it.

HM64


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, he's known all these months that his daughter saw him? And he's still been gaslighting you so shamelessly?

He should be strung up for doing this to a little girl.

Please do not hesitate to talk to the OWH immediately to tell him what you know.

Then definitely put her up on cheaterville.com. Don't hesitate on this either.

Make sure you are clear with anyone you see about the reasons for the divorce. Two firm sentences: "My H is having an affair with my ex-friend. I know this for a fact because my poor daughter walked in on them."

Then straight to D and your better life. 25 years is indeed a long time, but it's only a fraction of your life and, boy, you shouldn't waste any more of it with a liar like your stbxh.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Please don't stay married to a man who your daughter saw kissing another woman.

She needs to know that its ok to divorce a cheater. Show her married people don't have bf/gfs while still married!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Absolutely get this one out to OWH and your attorney. OMG if this doesn't get your "mad" up I can't imagine what would. 

You're doing great, in a VERY difficult situation. My heart goes out to you. God bless


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

WH is distancing himself from the kids and they are starting to really feel confused. They don't want to spend the time with him and then he gets mad and blames me. He still hasn't talked to them about his leaving or the OW or even asked how they are doing. He had D7 today and was supposed to bring her home after supper and then stay for a campfire (her request) Instead he brought her home 3 hrs early and told her he wasn't going to stay for the campfire because he was too mad at me. Had no idea why he was mad, then found out OW saw me and my other neighbour sitting on her porch talking. OW texted WH and told him we were talking about them. 
We were actually talking about me and how I was dealing with all this stress and garbage they are putting my family through.

They do all this lying and sneaking around being unfaithful and betraying and denying, but then get furious when they find out I let someone know about it. I only speak the truth...if they don't like it, then they shouldn't have done this.

So he gave up time with the kids to rush back to her side and 'comfort' her and her hurt feelings about me and the neighbour talking. Crazy crap!!

Are they always this foolish?? Do they eventually come out of this fog with the OW and at least try to make amends with the hurt they caused the kids??


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> Are they always this foolish?? Do they eventually come out of this fog with the OW and at least try to make amends with the hurt they caused the kids??


There're no rules friend. I'm sorry. I know you hope, pray for... something will make your husband snap, find common sense again he will try everuthing to fix this. An epiphany sort of.
Sometimes it doesn't happen.

Hope, he wake up at least enough for not hurting the kids even more.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Committed, please do what you know in your heart you need to do. Tell everyone about the affair ASAP!

Sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a jerk


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Definitely tell people. Don't think that this 'lowers' you in any respect. She obviously wants people to think that you had generic problems with your marriage & that the two of them hooked up after you and your H broke up. She cares what other people think.

You may not be able to break them up, but you can give her some real heartburn. She's a homewrecker. She deserves at least a little shame. The shame is on them, not on you if you tell other people the truth.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, he is accusing you of telling everyone so make it true. I'd embellish a bit as well. Don't lie, but tell them your daughter caught them kissing and told you. No one has to know WHEN she actually told you. Then tell them everything you found, that he left when confronted with the facts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Well, he is accusing you of telling everyone so make it true. I'd embellish a bit as well. Don't lie, but tell them your daughter caught them kissing and told you. No one has to know WHEN she actually told you. Then tell them everything you found, that he left when confronted with the facts.


This !

So it looks like OW has got a button you can push -push it over and over and over,with a smile on you face.

And realize that she'll be making demands on him and making his life very unhappy.

See how everyone wins and all you have to do is chit chat with folks in public !


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Expose them so they can't hide in the shadows of their egos anymore....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

committed1217 said:


> So he gave up time with the kids to rush back to her side and 'comfort' her and her hurt feelings about me and the neighbour talking. Crazy crap!!


 So now that you have found her weak spot, you should focus more on it. She does not want you to tell the truth about her cheating, so tell everyone. Let them know that it is not just an emotional affair as you first thought and that it was in fact a physical affair, with your daughter even catching them making out months ago. Tell them that now that the other women has also left her spouse to be with your husband, it will only be a matter of time before their relationship becomes public with them falsely trying to claim that their romantic relationship only began after they both left their spouses withing weeks of each other. Tell everyone. Tell all your friends, family and neighbors.

They have tried to make you into the crazy lady. Now it is time to set the record straight.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Anyone see any harm in exposing to everyone while approaching legal separation?

Do you think it will make it easier or harder (for me and the kids)?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Use the fog against him to get what you want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

committed1217 said:


> he brought her home 3 hrs early and told her he wasn't going to stay for the campfire *because he was too mad at me*.
> 
> Are they always this foolish?? Do they eventually come out of this fog


This isn't fog. This is entitlement and blameshifting and selfishness and willingness to harm your own kids for your own sake.

Do you really want such a person to be in your and your kids' lives?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice.
> 
> Anyone see any harm in exposing to everyone while approaching legal separation?
> 
> Do you think it will make it easier or harder (for me and the kids)?


Some attorneys will say don't expose. It makes things messy and they don't like messy. I would expose as I don't see where it would do any harm to you. I also agree that this seems to be a button with the OW, that she does not like being exposed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exposure will make it easier for everyone except the people cheating.

You're just afraid of making him mad at you.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

yup turnera, I am afraid at making him mad at me. I hate having anger directed at me. (thank goodness I have IC to help me with this!) I hate this whole situation. I was so naive thinking I was in a great marriage.
Even though I am afraid, I will still expose. I want people to know the truth.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> yup turnera, I am afraid at making him mad at me. I hate having anger directed at me. (thank goodness I have IC to help me with this!) I hate this whole situation. I was so naive thinking I was in a great marriage.
> Even though I am afraid, I will still expose. I want people to know the truth.


Just know his anger and rage are complete manipulation attempts to keep you from going against him. Thats it. He will never do anything, no matter what he threatens. They are all empty threats. Call his bluff a couple of times and you will see what I mean. 

I was right where you are at last year. I still struggle slightly with not wanting to "rock the boat" but the whole terrified of making my ex upset is gone. I see through all of his mind games and attempts to control me. 

You will get there one day. Just know the anger is at himself, not at you. He is so full of anger that it spills out and he directs it at the thing causing him the most anguish in his life at the moment. B/c he refuses to look at himself and his actions as to why he might be in the predicament he is in.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Committed, you are the one who should be angry - he brought his anger upon himself.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

committed1217 said:


> Even though I am afraid, I will still expose. I want people to know the truth.


Absolutly yes! You need to do this. And when anger is directed at you by your POS StbExH or the POSOW, you go back at them with twice the viciousness. Remember, anger when properly directed, is a powerful emotional tool that you can use to your advantage. Don't hold anything back, make sure everyone knows exactly what kind of scum those two are.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

committed1217 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice.
> 
> Anyone see any harm in exposing to everyone while approaching legal separation?
> 
> Do you think it will make it easier or harder (for me and the kids)?


Think about it this way. You have done NOTHING wrong and they are trying to control who you talk to, what you talk about, your social community and by proxy punishing the children. 

Oh and make sure you file any legal documents, regardless of the legal outcome concerning adultery, with infidelity. This shouldn't be easy for this idiot at all.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Try to remember that classic cheaters are often smug about having control. They will do anything they need to to control you and the situation. They lie, gaslight, and scheme in order to have one up on you.

If you expose them, if you tell others the truth, you take away much of their control. And this is how it should be. Why should these two dishonorable people carry the day? Let society judge them the way they should be judged. From what you say, the OW especially doesn't want the truth out. Take that control away from her wherever you can.

This empowers you and helps you to move on to a better life for yourself.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do I stop their "friendship" (AFFAIR!)*



alte Dame said:


> Try to remember that classic cheaters are often smug about having control. They will do anything they need to to control you and the situation. They lie, gaslight, and scheme in order to have one up on you.


Thanks for the reminder, AD....still applies to my life and we are divorced and have been seperated for a year....really nice to read this atm....

Please remember that, committed. It is about having control with those people. Thats all they care about. I am speaking from experience. They will try anything to get their way. They will act in manipulative ways to get what they want. You will never understand their ways of thinking b/c you don't try to use people as pawns in your life like they do. They will do anything to take the focus off of themselves....b/c they can't stand the thought of what they may see if they take a good hard look. Not looking at themselves is enough motivation to treat people like crap. They need that control so no one sees the real them. And once they start to lose it, all hell breaks loose!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I believe in exposure because people NEVER learn unless they experience discomfort. Exposure is great for that.

But THEN...the best revenge you can give him ... IS TO NOT NEED HIM.

Let him see you going out and living the most amazing life ever - WITHOUT HIM.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

turnera said:


> I believe in exposure because people NEVER learn unless they experience discomfort. Exposure is great for that.
> 
> But THEN...the best revenge you can give him ... IS TO NOT NEED HIM.
> 
> Let him see you going out and living the most amazing life ever - WITHOUT HIM.


:iagree:.


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