# Do you consider this rejection



## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

If your spouse does not outright reject you nor complain in terms of sex - however when you do have sex, the spouse is not angry, but it is very mechanical because the spouse does not open up, no touching, no smiling, no physical or mental connection at all - basically you are prevented from enjoying it. 

Do you consider this as rejection of some form?

Looking at sex as a duty is outright mean


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yes, I consider it a rejection. 

My husband doesn't talk to me when we have sex. He barely touches me in a playful way. There's no kissing. We go through the motions, roll over and go to sleep. It's pretty awful. I told him just the other day that I feel like an "unpaid prostitute". 

Sad thing is, at one time it was the opposite scenario. He was wonderful in bed. We talked, laughed, he said dirty things to me, complimented me. We had fun. Now it's awful. I feel like he should leave me a few $50 bills on the table when it's over.  I think that's why I can't stand it now...because at one time it WAS good. 

To have someone not connect with you emotionally, to be cold and unemotional. You might as well go at it alone. So now I do just that. It's better than being ignored. 

I know, it sounds funny to say that I'm being IGNORED while having SEX. But that's how I feel.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Monty4321 said:


> If your spouse does not outright reject you nor complain in terms of sex - however when you do have sex, the spouse is not angry, but it is very mechanical because the spouse does not open up, no touching, no smiling, no physical or mental connection at all - basically you are prevented from enjoying it.
> 
> Do you consider this as rejection of some form?
> 
> Looking at sex as a duty is outright mean


 I would find what you described (just from imagination alone) .....humanly demeaning, deeply hurtful, coldly lifeless, so not worth the effort. Pity sex 101. 

Toys would be more exciting. But that would be getting old really quick. Non of us are craving an emotional conneciton with a freaking toy. 

This is emotional rejection.... Sex without "some" hint of enthusiam attached to it -not feeling you are wanted, desireless- is what destroys the marraige bed...if you are someone who HAS emotion, that is.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Toys would be more exciting. But that would be getting old really quick. Non of us are craving an emotional connection with a freaking toy.


True..but when you have that PHYSICAL urge, what else is there to do?

Beg your partner to give it you and either get rejected outright or are made to feel that way while having sex?

Or look for it elsewhere? 

So to maintain your dignity and not be driven crazy by physical need what else is there? :scratchhead:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Monty4321 said:


> If your spouse does not outright reject you nor complain in terms of sex - however when you do have sex, the spouse is not angry, but it is very mechanical because the spouse does not open up, no touching, no smiling, no physical or mental connection at all - basically you are prevented from enjoying it.
> 
> Do you consider this as rejection of some form?
> 
> Looking at sex as a duty is outright mean


I would consider it as a warning beacon - to find out what is missing either in yourself, your partner, and/or your relationship - that would cause one person to be so emotionally detached at that point. There's something going on there that needs to be addressed that is manifesting itself in terms of sex.

It could be that the partner does not feel emotionally connected in the relationship, or they have inhibitions/repressions, or they are depressed, and on and on ...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I would consider it as a warning beacon - to find out what is missing either in yourself, your partner, and/or your relationship - that would cause one person to be so emotionally detached at that point. There's something going on there that needs to be addressed that is manifesting itself in terms of sex.
> 
> It could be that the partner does not feel emotionally connected in the relationship, or they have inhibitions/repressions, or they are depressed, and on and on ...


:iagree:

Right on the money, Enchantment (as usual). Sex problems are often symptoms of another underlying issue. Has she always been liked this? Do you connect emotionally in other ways like talking, non-sexual touch, etc.? Does she feel loved (see the Five Love Languages).


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yes, I consider it a rejection.
> 
> My husband doesn't talk to me when we have sex. He barely touches me in a playful way. There's no kissing. We go through the motions, roll over and go to sleep. It's pretty awful. I told him just the other day that I feel like an "unpaid prostitute".
> 
> ...


Thanks..Sad thing for me is that it never was the opposite. ITS always been no passion. I use to think it was sincere until I realized that she was only going through the motions. When I started asking questions that's when she started letting me know of her lack of interest.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would find what you described (just from imagination alone) .....humanly demeaning, deeply hurtful, coldly lifeless, so not worth the effort. Pity sex 101.
> 
> Toys would be more exciting. But that would be getting old really quick. Non of us are craving an emotional conneciton with a freaking toy.
> 
> This is emotional rejection.... Sex without "some" hint of enthusiam attached to it -not feeling you are wanted, desireless- is what destroys the marraige bed...if you are someone who HAS emotion, that is.


You wouldn't believe how demeaning it is. I feel terrible asking her and humiliated afterwards.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Monty4321 said:


> You wouldn't believe how demeaning it is. I feel terrible asking her and humiliated afterwards.


Yes, I would, same boat my friend....sucks, she wont/cant even talk about it.. :scratchhead:
She was at one time, she detached emotionally then sexually...still trying to get her to open up,past issues? resentment? current issues? in I/C but no real headway, I got the"I love you but just not romantically".WTH....


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Couple of possibilities:

She doesn't like sex because she doesn't know how to have an orgasm.

She doesn't like sex with you because of resentments in your relationship.

How is the rest of your marriage? Do you two spend time together going things that are fun for both of you?


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Couple of possibilities:
> 
> She doesn't like sex because she doesn't know how to have an orgasm.
> 
> ...


Good point. She won't let me try to stimulate her because she says it will tale too long. She only had one or two since marriage. 

She's also just not a romantic person and not the touchy feely type

Early on I let her know of these issues and asked her to walk with me and work on these issues together. I noticed that she wouldn't attempt to get help and I was The only one trying. I tried being romantic in all areas of our life she still wouldn't respond saying she was just not like that. She acknowledged that its a problem. With her priorities, its just not something she wants to work on. 

I tried to take The lead on this issue but I couldn't do it alone
I was married one before and did all the marital work myself. I told her I can't feel like I'm doing it alone again and holding her hand through everything.

She has an issue with communication as well. I tried talking with her foryou years but she is a person of very few words which bring is to a road block. Marriage counseling hasn't helped either. They said that's a problem as well. 

The commincation is biggest issue.

She has past sexual issues as well.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I couldn't have sex with my H without the passion, the smiles, the eye contact, the connection. To me that's what it's all about.

It's sad because you are both missing out on one of lifes biggest joys.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This is why (surprisingly to some people) I am indifferent to my wife's permanent frigidity (is that still a word?) She was terrible in bed. It was like assaulting a mannequin; someone who was neither mentally nor physically in the same room. It felt like I was forcing myself on a coma patient.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

See if she will read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley with you. He goes through what each spouse needs in a marriage. Another good book he has is LoveBusters.

http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328135648&sr=1-1


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> See if she will read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley with you. He goes through what each spouse needs in a marriage. Another good book he has is LoveBusters.
> 
> Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books


Thanks Lovesherman.....

Unfortunately that wouldn't and didn't work.

It first bought up our issues with her by trying to talk with her - but her few words and lack of communicating with me when I sat her down to talk forced us into a road block.

She would never seek to get any help on her own - she would just let the problems persist.

Next..I went looking for help and came across a few books that were very good and I read the books myself because they were so interesting and they touched on the majority of our issues. I then asked her if she can read some of the books whenever she has the time at her own pace - then I asked her if we can talk about the things that she read in order to help us communicate. 

Well when one-two-four weeks went by and then the books started collecting dust, I started asking her what's going on. Her excuses were: they wouldn't work (you didn't even read them yourself - how do you know they would work), i forgot to read them, it's just not on my mind, ect. Her biggest excuse is "well you didn't read the book yourself - so why should I read it?" I told her that I would be willing to read them with her - I told her that I have read parts of the books but not in it's entirety. 

The whole book idea was huge to me. I put a lot of hope in them.

Reading isn't an issue to her - she has brought books/novels in the past and read them.

I think the issue is that - she doesn't take it seriously and it's not interesting to her. 

Sometimes, I am to the blame of her not thinking about our issues because I am not a nagging person who constantly complains about the issues. Also, I do love her and tried to express my love to her all the time - I think that she took that as everything is fine and there aren't any issues.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> See if she will read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley with you. He goes through what each spouse needs in a marriage. Another good book he has is LoveBusters.
> 
> Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books


Oh..also I have heard of this book and I did want it.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> This is why (surprisingly to some people) I am indifferent to my wife's permanent frigidity (is that still a word?) She was terrible in bed. It was like assaulting a mannequin; someone who was neither mentally nor physically in the same room. It felt like I was forcing myself on a coma patient.


Alright!! I got runslikeadog to post. 

Wow...that's terrible. Sad to say that's how I feel. I have been trying to figure out how to explain how I feel and I just can't figure out. 

I feel like I'm forcing myself onto her as well...Like I'm forcing her to do something she don't want. Crazy.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Right on the money, Enchantment (as usual). Sex problems are often symptoms of another underlying issue. Has she always been liked this? Do you connect emotionally in other ways like talking, non-sexual touch, etc.? Does she feel loved (see the Five Love Languages).


She is a darling and nice person.

Our biggest issue is the communication. That's why we can't solve anything. Her words are few. Her answers were always "I just don't know" "I don't know what to say". She has always been like this. I didn't know it was a problem until we started having issues.

I cannot connect emotionally with her because she's not an emotional person. She really does not know how and doesn't care to. 

I am a huge romantic person. I used to constantly hug her, kiss her when I came and left. Constantly affirmed my love for her in words. I would hold her every night. I would tell her how beautiful she was and so on...
I did these things - but I did not smother her.

I and the wife are both christians and I seen the verse under your comment.

I think to about my wife and wonder how could you walk about as though things are fine in her personal life - yet I suffer.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Monty4321 said:


> Thanks..Sad thing for me is that it never was the opposite. ITS always been no passion. I use to think it was sincere until I realized that she was only going through the motions. When I started asking questions that's when she started letting me know of her lack of interest.


Believe it or not, it's worse to have given to you for a short time and then taken away. I described it to my husband as giving a starving man a banquet and then taking it away...it makes the hunger pains that much worse. 

Now I KNOW it COULD be good and what it SHOULD be like, but it's like dust in the wind..what good is it? 

He says he doesn't know why he was turned on then and why he's not turned on now but there's nothing he can do about it, that's it's basically my problem. That pi*sses me off because I've made a HUGE effort to change things in myself and our relationship but when it comes to HIS accommodating my needs he can't be bothered. He shrugs and says "I am what I am...deal with it."

So I told him, "Fine, I'll have to adjust but you won't be sharing a bed with me anymore". 

I need privacy to attend to my own needs if he won't do it for me. I'm hoping that I'll eventually stop caring about him. He offers friendship and I'll take it but I can't sleep next to a man who won't treat me as wife should be treated...it's too damn painful. Until the pain goes away so do I.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Monty4321 said:


> You wouldn't believe how demeaning it is. I feel terrible asking her and humiliated afterwards.


I am so sorry to hear your pain, you sound like a hell of good guy who doesn't deserve any of this to me, I really hate to hear of good spouses stuck in marraiges like this. I know you love her, so just excuse my ranting. I really don't have any advice, it seems to me you have climbed a mountain in trying to love her , BE the emotional romantic man most women say they would die to have...what else can you do ? 

I have an appreciation for what Runs with a Dog said on here, it is just that way -with some, they don't know, they don't get it , they refuse to try, they refuse to muster any enthusiasm for the benefit of someone they claim to love... ....and you are just Left to deal with it -alone, wanting, desiring, and dying inside slowly every day. And people wonder why some get "weak" and reach out to another. 

I see you say you are a Christian, so here you are, you will remain likely no matter what comes, or what doesn't come. I am not sure how you haven't been eaten alive with resentment over these things personally ?? 

Anyone who is the emotional Romantic type.... this is your worst living nightmare in a spouse (devoid of passion)- I feel if someone has alot to give, a well spring of love & passion to share & if it is like pulling teeth to get this coming back to you, well, again, I am not sure how you do it. 

I guess it is your faith that pulls you through? ANy chance she is sexually repressed ?? I used to be -but I still had a healthy sex drive. 

Is she passionate about anything -is she depressed ?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> it is just that way -with some, they don't know, they don't get it , they refuse to try, they refuse to muster any enthusiasm for the benefit of someone they claim to love... ....and you are just Left to deal with it -alone, wanting, desiring, and dying inside slowly every day. And people wonder why some get "weak" and reach out to another.


You said that perfectly. I couldn't have said it better. I tried to convey that to my husband but he pretty much said that he isn't going to change and that it's my problem. I still find it amazing how someone can claim to love someone else and not even care about their feelings or want to reach out to them and make them happy.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am so sorry to hear your pain, you sound like a hell of good guy who doesn't deserve any of this to me, I really hate to hear of good spouses stuck in marraiges like this. I know you love her, so just excuse my ranting. I really don't have any advice, it seems to me you have climbed a mountain in trying to love her , BE the emotional romantic man most women say they would die to have...what else can you do ?
> 
> I have an appreciation for what Runs with a Dog said on here, it is just that way -with some, they don't know, they don't get it , they refuse to try, they refuse to muster any enthusiasm for the benefit of someone they claim to love... ....and you are just Left to deal with it -alone, wanting, desiring, and dying inside slowly every day. And people wonder why some get "weak" and reach out to another.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for commenting.

I know that I have my own faults as a husband. But I have such a strong desire to be a really good husband. It's terrible because I have to lock all of that desire up and toss it in the ocean somewhere.

Early in our marriage I when I began to sense things just a little, I sat my wife down and told her when we ever feel that fire dying out to snap out of it and rekindle that fire and don't let it burn out. I told her that once it's gone, you may never get it back. It's like it went straight over her head. Now it's gone somewhere.

I told her that I did not want to be like other older married folks who are just room mates living together with nothing in the tank. 

It sucks because, I know there are other women out there who wouldn't mind taking the little that I can offer. How did I ever end up with someone who doesn't appreciate it. Woe to me :scratchhead:

Yes I am a christian - that's the one and only reason that I am dealing with it. At times there is resentment because I know that she can do something about it. All I ask for is a little effort and then build upon it. However, I don't let resentment get the best of me. I do feel like I am stuck and I told her that I feel as such. 

I have made a life changing to decision that I will get into a little more later. But I am choosing to adapt to this and change who I am as it relates to my relationship with her. Sooner or later we will be simply roommates and I will work towards it.

She's not deeply passionate about much - I guess she's average. At times she is depressed and will meet with the doc for treatment. I really never know when she is because she doesn't communicate deeply with me. She had pass sexual issues before me that I don't want to get into. But to what effect does it play - I don't know.

She never had much a feeling during sex.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Believe it or not, it's worse to have given to you for a short time and then taken away. I described it to my husband as giving a starving man a banquet and then taking it away...it makes the hunger pains that much worse.
> 
> Now I KNOW it COULD be good and what it SHOULD be like, but it's like dust in the wind..what good is it?
> 
> ...



My wife told me that she has never been an initiator, nor a romantic touchy feely person. She said that I knew that already. I seen some of it before we got married way back when. When we were together prior to marriage, we felt guilty for having premarital sex. So I figured, well she would open up a bit more after we get married. Obviously, that is just who she was.

I told her that I know how she is - but in order for things to work, she has to change the way she is for the better. I know that's easier said than done. I know that you can't just like sex or intimacy all of the sudden. But if she would put in effort to work at this as well as other parts of our marriage, then maybe things would naturally change. Go to the doc and get checked out etc...

OK I babbling on now.....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

It's ok. I babble on a lot too. 

I'm in the same situation. I try and reason things out with my husband. I've asked him to see a doctor or just TRY and change things. I figure if he WANTS to change and fix things that he'll at least make an attempt. He flatly refuses. Says he "is what he is" and why can't I just accept that? 

So what can I do? :scratchhead: Fortunately I don't have to deal with him every day now. I live apart from him and as long as he is like this, I will continue to do so and I will have to put emotional distance between us as well. 

Sex isn't the only issue in our marriage but I can deal with the other things. IMO one HUGE thing that sets a marriage apart from a friendship is the sex, the passion of WANTING each other and depending on that other person to be there for them, both emotionally and physically. When my husband rejects me in the bedroom it's not just physical, it's EMOTIONAL as well. 

For my husband, marriage is about being there for each other when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan. His argument for us staying married is "What happens if you get sick or old or can't work? Who will be there for you then? What about the companionship?" 

He has a point but IMO it's a complete PACKAGE. You need to have many components to a marriage for it to survive and thrive. He can hire a nurse and I can hire a gigolo but in the end it's NOT the same. You need the intimacy and caring as well that marriage provides, whether you are sick OR horny. 

Your wife sounds like she has a lot wrapped up in her psyche and her morals and she sounds sexually repressed. I think she could use some counseling to address her feelings about intimacy and sex. Her feelings are spilling over into your marriage and that's not a good thing. Unfortunately it's not uncommon either. In the end she has to decide whether you are important enough to her to address her problems and if she isn't willing to make the changes, you'll have to figure out if this situation is what you want for the rest of your life.


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