# The Ole "Not Feeling it".... from my wife



## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

Background...we have been married for a little over 19 years. Looking back, maybe for the past year, there has been decreased interaction from my wife and I. I have asked her about it all along, but she always belittled my suggestions that something was wrong. Changed the subject etc....

She is 44, I am 43. We have one child, almost 20. We have had problems ( no extramarital affairs) in the past but I wised up and realized that we belong together...sh's the best thing that ever happened to me. Then over the past month, she had to take a few business trips, and phone calls decreased to the point where she didnt contact me at all on the last trip. When she got back, I confronted her and this time I didnt let her belittle the questions or change the subject. She FINALLY admitted that she isnt "feeling it". I will admit that I am emotional person and the water works turned on. I asked if there was someone else and she seemed suprised that I even mentioned it and denied it. I believe her. I just dont think she has that in her. Not the way she lectured me in the past. We have slept separately ever since. Not like it is a long time, since Wednesday.

She says she doesnt know what it is that makes her not feel it. She was going to stay at her brothers house starting tonight but she said she felt awkward doing that, so she changed her mind. She hasnt said "I love you" since before she went on her trip, and to tell you the truth, it devistates me. My mind goes a hundered miles a minute trying to figure out what I did to make her fall out of it with me. I cant see it. She cant figure it out, but needs her space. I am not wanting to leave our home that we purchased 8 years ago. Things have been nearly perfect for those 8 years, sans the last year.

I dont want to leave, but I cant MAKE her "feel it" I mentoined counceling. NO was the answer. I mentioned starting over with dating her again to try to renew things. No was the answer. She is my world, and believe me, after the last week, she knows how I feel....FOR SURE....

What should I do? Thanks...and sorry, I tried to keep it short.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ask her to break down... not "feeling it." I mean, that can be taken so many different ways. Kinda unfair for her to drop all this on you so late in the game, that she isn't even open to working on it. Was there any other warning signs before all this started? My only concern is that she doesn't seem too interested in fixing this with you, perhaps time will make her 180, once the realization of you guys finding going your seperate ways kicks in. For right now, all i can do is tell you to continue to talk to her and move back into your bedroom. Until she says or demonstrates other wise, that is your placewhere you belong.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If she won't go to counseling, go alone. It will show that you are serious about the marriage and may help develop the ability to (a) address the issues with her, (b) live with the situation as is or (c) get the strength needed to let her go.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't go hogging all the credit for this. I don't think you're totally to blame. Perhaps it's hormones, she seems about the "right" age group for menopause, and like male midlife crisis, she is taking stock of her life so far, and she is probably just sandbagging for the possibility that she may someday be on her own. 
Do the best you can, show her that you can be a great H to her, and you should go to counseling. If not the two of you, then alone-start working on yourself.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You know....the promise was made almost 20 years ago. I'm going to bet this husband hasn't "felt" it every second of those 20 years, either. Still, his wife and kids expected things from him and he had to produce whether he "felt it" or not. Emotions come and go. Anyone can stay married when they feel giddy happy 24/7. It's easy to go to work at a job you are thrilled with every day. If she aint "feeling it", life still continues. "Feeling it" is nice, but it isn't a requirement. I don't feel like fixing busted pipes when it's below freezing. I don't feel like spending hours at the mall shopping for women's clothes. I didn't feel like sucking 140 degree heat in Iraq while people shot at me. Wasn't thrilled about staying up all night with my kids when they were sick. You can mentally talk yourself into or out of anything you wish. If she wants to view her husband as an unattractive, disappointing louse, she can do that. If she wants to view him as the sexiest man alive, she can do that, too. The country is full of middle aged divorced women who do "feel it". They feel loneliness and they feel the full financial weight of handling everything on their own. Most of them wish they could go back in time and hook back up with the guy who left the occasional dirty sock on the floor. Perfection doesn't exist and even if it did, why would we presume we would deserve it? None of us are perfect, either.


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## ASWGWS (Nov 15, 2010)

Well said, Unbelievable. 

Also, I agree with a previous poster. If she won't go to counseling, go alone.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

Wow. Well said everyone. I don't think there was one thing said that I don't agree with. And no, I haven't always felt it, so kII know how she feels. But she is alot more stubborn than me. In the past, it was I that didn't want to go to counseling, and now the shoe is on the other foot. I will keep gently pressing on without pushing her away....but man, what a fine line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

There's sooo many things this could be! - early midlife crisis, depression, boredom, hormonal changes, illness etc... 
My guess is stagnation nation! routine gets OLD & boring! Usually men tend to be more routine by nature even though there are women that can be that way too. One thing is for certain: you guys need new energy!!! if she is blocking attempts by you to bring in some newness or excitement then that's kind of a red flag for me that there's some depression going on. You sound like a sweet and caring husband that's willing to sit on idle waiting for her to make a call for what will make her happy but she probably doesn't even realize that she needs you to step up a notch and take her by the hand & show her the beautiful things in life she's forgetting about. Inject some excitement and switch up old routines in hopes a spark will ignite. Actions speak louder - true! so stop asking her what she needs and take some stabs at things you think she could use & help her. Show enthusiam & hope!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> There's sooo many things this could be! - early midlife crisis, depression, boredom, hormonal changes, illness etc...


Thanks...I selected this section of your remarks because she cant take any of the standard treatments for hormonal changes due to clotting concerns. She had DVT when she was 25 that was brought on by BC pills. I really beleive that it is menopause or maybe a midlife crisis...in either case I have to ride the wave no matter how rough, because she is worth it.

I also agree with your stagnation suggestions too. I know I am guilty of falling into a comfort zone, I guess that is why I was so shocked by her actually saying the "not feeling" it statement.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

Just wanted to update. We are still in the same house, but still in separate bedrooms. We recently started small talk again, but still no real breakthroughs. She wants her space and I pushed so hard that I was pushing her away. So as of Tuesday night, I had to back down. Her brother was also pushing pretty hard from what I hear. She finally broke down and got angry the other night and was saying she just needed her space to make up her own mind. She specifically mentioned how hard her brother was pushing her to push through it. Everyone knows that we are perfect together but her at this time. Well, that I know of. 

This sounds like it is setting up to be the worst holiday season I have had to endure, including being overseas in a deployed location when I was still active duty. She goes places without me. Including bowling, darts and pool with her friends. I am still pretty certain there is no one else in the picture, but if so, then I am the biggest fool ever. It just gets hard to not think that when I am left alone so much myself. Believe me, she knows exactly how much I love her and how much I want to grow old with her. I treat her well. As others have speculated, I am no where near perfect and I have already started doing the things that I know of to be better to her. (chores) Still holding out hope that this works out like it is supposed to.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

Well, I think a step in the wrong direction took place last night. I was feeling like we were making progress, so I bought her a dozen roses and a the card to let he know that I still love her more and more everyday. She thanked me and gave me a hug and still went on about her business...alone. She made dinner but then went up to watch tv. I evenutally went upstairs to tell her I was going to bed. She simply said, "goodnite" So I just looked at her and she asked what was wrong. I said I am having another rough one. She said. "I'm Sorry"

Am I stupid for hanging around? I am getting the feeling that her mind is made up, and she is just waiting for me to make the move. I am so in love with her and it just pulverizes my already broken heart. But leaving our home is the last thing I want to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If people only participated in marriages when they "felt it", there would be no need for any marriage ceremony or family law. Folks would just hang out together forever because they were giddy-happy and their partner consistently blew their skirt up. Commitment means you both keep your promise, especially when you don't feel like it. Anyone can love someone who happens to be very lovable. The trick is to keep loving them when they are a jerk or a b&tch, when they are poor, unattractive, or have bad breath. 
You buy a roof, not to protect your home from the warm sunshine, but to protect you from the rain and snow. Being a soldier isn't all that hard when you are dressed up in your fancy uniform, dancing at the ball. It's a great deal tougher when bullets whiz past your head. 
At one time or another, all of us "don't feel it". That's when plain ol' pig-headed stubborness comes in.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Nut,

Sounds like "Head above water happiness" to me.

Richard Schwartz is the author of that term.

His book is well worth the read to get perspective on your situation.

Buy Therapy Books & DVDs, Counseling Books & DVDs


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

You deserve more than, "I'm not feeling it." She seems to think that she's in charge and I wonder how this came to be. It might be time for you to push back. If she continues to resist any attempts to explore what's going on in the marriage and make improvements, you might want to look at the big picture and if this will work for you.

Good luck.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Hello texinut,
My marriage sounds similar to yours. Got married young, she was 18, I was 22. Thought we had a great marriage for 27 years till she told me at the begining of summer she had no feelings for me anymore. She pretty much has moved out to her moms. Also, she had an EA with her ex boyfriend. I just could not believe what I was hearing. She was like someone I did'nt know anymore. It could be change of life, hormones... She had a hysterectomy about a year ago, but retained her overies. This could still effect hormones. Anyway, I know how you feel. Its very lonely. Im trying to go on and trying to change so she might take notice and come back. I know she missed alot of things in our marraige that I did not give her. Mainly quility time and being encouraging. I really messed up, but it still took both of us to be where we are now. Hang in there! This forum has helped greatly. These people know what they're talking about.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

Thanks again for everyone. This is really helping me remain sane. I dont really have anyone to talk to here locally and this really helps me to be able to write it. No one here know us, and everything is objective. 

I think the only way for this to work long term is to get counseling. Or read some books. But to even get to the counseling stage, I have to get to the acceptance stage. She needs to accept the fact that we cant give up on a beautiful marriage. Kinda like you cant get the job without getting the interview. I just hope I get the interview. And I need it soon. This is killing me.

Ocean, I truly hope things work out for you as well. I know how you feel man.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

texinut said:


> She needs to accept the fact that we cant give up on a beautiful marriage.


Oh, if it was that easy  .....

That's what I wish for my husband.....I wish he would realize that it would be a horrible mistake to give up on our marriage.....not the marriage we had, but the marriage we will be having if he only gives me another chance.....

Unfortunately you can't reason with them that easily  ....

Good luck to you !!!!!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

This is only a theory, but could it be she wants you to say that YOU want a divorce, so that you can look like the bad guy? Some women will do this in order to get a better divorce settlement.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

The reason she doesnt want to go to counseling is that she doesnt want to rehash some old stuff that we are both aware of and over. 

Has anyone tried that Marriage Fitness thing that is probably on the ad to the right. The one by Mort Fertel. I am getting desperate.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

This is still going no where. She is getting pressure from all sides. Her brother and friends are all telling her she is making a mistake and she just needs to push through this phase. She says she just needs her space and needs a break. I could understand if I was bad to her, or beat her or cheated on her, but I didn't do anything. I am nothing but good to her. Looking over a lot of advice from a lot of sources, there are things that I could have done better, but really, who is perfect?

I am giving her, her break by taking my vacation time from work that I was hoping to use to take her and my daughter on a cruise and going back home for a week. 8 days to be exact. While I am gone, the only person I will call back home is my 19yo daughter. She has always been a mommas girl, but I cant lose her too. I have to make it a point to stay close to her. She is pretty broken up about this situation my wife put us in as well. I will never use her as a pawn in this. She has never hugged me as tight as she has the last few days. That just breaks my heart all over again.

I am still hopeful, but not very optimistic at this point. Thanks for letting me vent.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

> I just dont think she has that in her.


Well, if she took a shower after she got back from her trip, then she washed it out of her.

Texinut, it's obvious your wife is having a physical affair which was consummated one or more of the times she was out of town on a business trip.

She is done with you and with the marriage and this has probably been years in the making. She's a walk away wife. Don't blame yourself; do get a lawyer and prepare for the inevitable divorce.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

I really dont think so. I know alot of times people are in this situation, that is the case, I just dont see it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tex, there are so many threads here in which the wife wanted a divorce, and the mantra of the STBXH is almost always: "I never saw it coming, I never thought that she would do that!"
It sounds more and more to me that she is dragging her feet in order to get a bad reaction out of you, to get you to say that you give up, and you're leaving. Then she can tell anyone who will listen: "I wanted to work it out, I wanted a chance to prove myself, but no-that a**hole gave up too fast and left ME behind!"

I also can't help but notice your daughter's age. She may very well have "checked out" a long time ago, but was waiting until your daughter was old enough.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Hey texinut,
Wow. Are situations are so fimilair! And then alot of them are when it comes to this. I've started counseling a week ago. When I told the counseler my story he said normally its a wife telling the same story and that the husband was having an affair. As I said, my wife was in an emotional affair. Can't say for how long but most likely started when she started getting depressed about early this year. She dropped the ball on me at the begining of summer. I told her that if this continues, that its over and everyone will be told the truth. Since then she says shes stopped talking to him. She says they have always been just freinds. A few weeks ago I had alot of anger built up and confronted her on alot of things but mainly if shes still talking to him? She said no. And, one more question I had stiring in my head, have you ever had sex with anyone since we've been married? She gave me that same astonished look and said NO, have you? So long story short, ended up fighting and I said alot of things I should't have, she burst out and left for a while, came back and slept on the couch. I just had to know those two answers. It was eating me alive. I believe her. She has told me that the EA has nothing to do with her not feeling it anymore. The truth is it made a bad situation even worse.
Since then she moved out to her mom's like I told you earlier, but this last monday she moved back home. When I got home that night she actually came up to me, say's she missed me, and, gave me a hug and kiss. I was in shock and happy. Although that morning she did say she's not making any promises. That said, she has been acting distant again. But, at least she's here and sleeping with me. And , I know this is my chance for a second chance. It's both fustrating and scary. I don't want to screw this up! So I need all the advice I can get and this is a great place to get it. Don't give up. I'm not.


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## texinut (Nov 15, 2010)

Not giving up Ocean...not yet. Thanks for the encouraging words. Glad to see there is hope in this sea of despair. I hope the best for ya. There are times when I am ready to give up. That is what my head tells me to do, but my heart is not ready to do that. It really sucks though when the love of my life and best friend aint feeling it. I leave today to go back home for 8 days. All I can do is hope and pray that the time apart will do some good. I will be surrounded by family, the only problem is, that the family I will be surrounded with are in happy relationships, and that may or may not make me want to have my own pity party.  Plus it scares me to death to leave.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

texinut said:


> Not giving up Ocean...not yet. Thanks for the encouraging words. Glad to see there is hope in this sea of despair. I hope the best for ya. There are times when I am ready to give up. That is what my head tells me to do, but my heart is not ready to do that. It really sucks though when the love of my life and best friend aint feeling it. I leave today to go back home for 8 days. All I can do is hope and pray that the time apart will do some good. I will be surrounded by family, the only problem is, that the family I will be surrounded with are in happy relationships, and that may or may not make me want to have my own pity party.  Plus it scares me to death to leave.


It won't be truly solved until it doesn't scare you.


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