# Is marriage worth it?



## theonemike (Oct 3, 2012)

Hello 
I'm Mike I'm 27 years old and I am currently in a long term relationship with my girlfriend. I've known her for 5 years..We are deeply in love. I'm always there for her and she always supports me..and I think that I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level(marriage). I've already planned to propose to her by Christmas(I have already bought a wedding ring WHICH I'm hiding in the house). I have a good career and I earn a decent salary which leaves a good amount of disposable income for me & my girlfriend(she works too-part time)....

Now, I have been to a number of weddings...I see all smiles and kisses but two years down the road it always ends up in family court...and I DON'T always understand why people say vows about caring for each other for the rest of their lives and end up divorcing a few years later.....

I have also heard of a few of my mates complaining about their wives changing and getting bossy and being control freaks once they get married. I even hear some who say, they don't even know what sex is once they got married....

I have even heard stories of guys who got married, divorced and lost everything(wife,house,kids,) and ended up living in a studio apartment whilst paying for all three. And sometimes they even allowed even see their kids.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a pessimistic person. I love my girl I would do anything in the world for her but is standing up on the aisle worth it.... knowing if anything goes wrong I have everything to lose..
My parents have been together for 30 years(since they were 18) and have taught me that marriage is a huge commitment..

I KNOW SHE IS THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR ME, I HAVE NO DOUBT IN MY MIND I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH but... IS MARRIAGE A RISK WORTH TAKING NOWADAYS?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Pre-nup.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Remember the woman you'll be divorcing will not resemble the one you know right now. No, it isn't worth it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I absolutely think a good marriage it worth it, but I think that there are TONS of people who don't really think about long-term compatibility, shared values, and so on. They rush into marriage without a real idea of what they're signing on for, and they feel let down that it's not a fairy-tale. 

After five years, you should have a pretty good idea of what each other's best and worst traits are. If you're still deeply in love, then you've got a high chance of avoiding the kind of problems your mates found.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My marriage is worth it. I don't know if yours will be. There are all different types of marriage.

Do you have passion? Pure passion? I couldn't marry someone without it.

And do you both agree on finances, child rearing and sex?

If not...don't do it.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't believe this is something you can weigh on a risk/reward basis. You're not making a business decision, it is a life decision. Marriage, well relationships require work, effort.

How well do you know her hopes, dreams, vision of the future, fears? How well does she know yours? Have you talked about the big things and the little things (e.g. - kids, parenting styles, sharing of finances, responsibilities). Fears & past failures are probably as important an indicator as anything else, because that's what the walls are built with.

And if you don't marry her, then what? Depending on where you live, the consequences of a failed common law marriage can be the same as one with that piece of paper.

You said you KNOW SHE'S THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU. So the short answer is, yes she should be worth the risk.

People get in cars and drive everyday even though LOTS of people get killed in cars everyday. Not a great analogy, but it does prove the point.


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## OldSoulNZ (Sep 26, 2012)

What is the alternative? Break up with the woman who you feel is the one for you? Live your life without ever having a wife, children, family home? What is the lesser evil - having everything then losing it, or never having it at all? The answer to that is not the same for everyone. For me, I'd rather risk pain, hurt, and financial stress and make a commitment to the man I love.

Just don't expect a fairytale ending. Marriages take work - even the best ones. 

People tell my husband and I we have the best marriage they know, yet we still have stresses and have to work through our issues - and compromise a lot of the time. But there are a few tricks you can learn along the way to deal with these issues.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

are you willing to die for her? will you feel the same way if she was in a wheel chair and you had to spoon feed her? would she stay with you if you lost your job and you both ended up living in a shelter? if you only had one can of food left and nothing left to eat after that, would you give it to her? would you hold her hand walking down the street even if she gained fifty lbs? If she needed to move, would you leave your job and move with her? Are you willing to get on your hands and knees to wash the kitchen floor if she is pregnant and cant? If she was in the hopital for a extended period of time would you stay by her bedside or be out with your friends? 
Just a train of thought. for you to think about. Not to say any of the above would happen, but things do happen. Consider if she would do the same for you. 
If you both are devoted. Then i dont see why you wouldnt make it personally. Any issue you come accross you should have a good chance of making it through. If your relatioship has never been through a trial of any great loss, disturbance, disagreement. i would be very concerned about going to the next step.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

If you plan to have children then the risk is worth the benefit to the children IMO. If no children are involved a benefit vs. risk analysis for only the man doesn't add up. I'm assuming your not religous because you didn't mention it. For some folks marriage is a mandatory sentence handed down by GOD. I tell my son that if he wants to get married he should date women who are capable of making their own money so he won't have to support her if they split up. I have no problem with child support as long as it was in reasonable proportion to my salary. However, in Ca they base the percentage on your gross income which is 30% more then I actually bring home. WTF? When you start to learn the nitty gritty details of how the divorce court system treats financially responsible men in CA you quickly realize that you never want to go there if you can help it. Your wife can decide she wants to bang 10 dudes in your house and divorce you after you freak out. If she's the primary care taker of your child and she doesn't work you will lose your house and have to pay for her new life style with alimony and excessive child support.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It is for me! I think the questions you need to ask are how do the both of you approach problems? Are you able to communicate when both of you are angry? Do the both of you share a similar outlook on marriage? Are you both inclined to work through problems or are they avoided? The answers to those questions will tell you more about your marriage potential lasting power than how you feel now when the times are great. 

Good Luck!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You know all those little things you say don't bother you right now but kind of do... You better mean it that they don't bother you, because they can add up. So really examine that u can live with it... Look at her parents, they set the cultural example for marriage. Are you comfortable with that? There are a host of other Q... Though small can add up


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Are your sex drives similar


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Here's an astute article summarizing how marriage laws in the US negatively affect men, thereby dis-incentivizing marriage for men, and incentivizing divorce for women.

You sound like a good man, and I therefore recommend you look at marriage as a business contract because if you live in western society the laws are definitely not in your favor. As a man, you assume a lot for financial risk.

"It probably will not surprise anyone to learn that I’m not a fan of marriage. I believe I’ve said in the past that ill never be married. This statement has been cynically interpreted by some to mean no woman will ever have me, and unflattering to me as that may be, if it’s true, I’ll still be content with the outcome.

In 1970, MS Magazine publisher Robin Morgan wrote about herself and her feminist colleagues, saying: “We can’t destroy the inequities between men and women until we destroy marriage.” I don’t know that marriage has been destroyed since then, but it’s certainly been transformed.

Formerly a social and legal institution affording benefits and protections to men and women, It is increasing regarded by men as a bad risk. Certainly, cooperative and mutually fulfilling marriages still exist, but within marriage and in a marriage’s dissolution, an increasing preponderance of legal and social power belongs to women. That power is subtracted from men in a zero sum game.

This is not movement towards equality of legal rights between men and women, but a movement to an increasing imbalance of rights. Men can see this, as can some women willing to view the world without the ideological lens of radical feminism.

I will not bother to point out divorce statistics, or mention other than in passing that women are the principal beneficiaries of court ordered divorce settlements, as well as the major initiators of divorce. Those arguments have all been made before. I will suggest to individuals that whatever religious or spiritual belief you might have, that you consider marriage as a business contract. Whether a marriage is instantiated through civil or religious ceremony, a contract is what it is. I do not pretend here that a marriage’s validity depends on it being between a man and a woman, or pretend that same sex unions are invalid, but I’ll be focusing on male/female marriages for this discussion.

So, in a male-female marriage, as well as in same sex marriages, what is actually going on is that two people enter a business relationship based on sharing of resources including accommodation, income and responsibilities, and physical and emotional intimacy. One of the problems with this is that the particulars of this shared income and responsibility aren’t detailed or formalized as they would be in any other business partnership.

The financial and personal responsibilities within a marriage are mostly assumed based on historical or traditional roles, combined with whatever modern sensibilities a married couple prefer.

Did you spot the logical fallacy in the previous statement?

A couple cannot prefer anything, only the individuals within a couple can be said to have opinions. A collective is not a person. So already we’re talking about two separate people, who, unless they’re extraordinarily fastidious about documenting their expectations, are almost certainly not in total agreement, whether they realize it or not.

Normal business contracts detail rights and responsibilities of participating individuals, as mentioned, but they also include provisions for the termination of a contract. Sometimes after the contracted agreement has been fully satisfied; sometimes after a period of time. “Till death do us part,” is the popular language describing the term of a marriage, but this is fanciful. Fully half of marriages end in divorce, often in acrimonious circumstance. Issues of adultery, finance, child rearing, employment, psychological or physical violence and even personality conflict can precipitate a break up.

These are all equivalent to the breach of a contract in normal contract law, and contracts normally include penalty clauses for such eventualities. The defaulting party in a normal contract might forfeit shares, assets, employment, or rights obtained through the contract.

Family law as presently constituted doesn’t follow this logic. A legal construct commonly known as no fault divorce allows for the contract of marriage to be dissolved by petition of one party, with no evidentiary inquiry or assessment of default. Addressing this in the terms of a normal contract, this means that if one party to a marriage defaults, by committing adultery, engaging in abusive behaviour, abusing the fiscal assets of the marriage, there is no contractual penalty as there would be in a normal contract. The misbehaving partner has nothing to loose by breaking the assumed terms of the contract. The courts will not consider any actions by a defaulting partner, in the disposition and settlement of familial assets.

Looked at from a purely mercenary view, all advantage lies with the partner breaking the terms of the marriage, whether it’s by sleeping around, defrauding the marriage of assets, abusing the other partner or the children or anything else.

If we consider the tendency of women toward hypergamy [1] it’s understandable that of the 50% of marriages ending in divorce, most of these no fault contractual dissolutions are dissolved by the petition of the female partners.

According to a study published in the American Law and Economics Review, [2] women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the United States. In the same study indicated that after the introduction of no fault divorce, among college educated couples, women initiated roughly 90% of divorces.

If a man’s financial status, or his income exceeds that of his wife, then she is actually motivated to dissolve the marriage, with or without adding insult to injury by abusing him, sleeping with other men, or other general jackassery on her part. Equal distribution of assets favors the least contributing party. Except when it doesn’t such as when the woman’s financial input exceeds her husband’s. There are cases where court ordered distribution of a dissolving marriage’s assets works in the favor of the man, but lets be honest – this is not usual. Marriage as it exists presently is a contract of advantage in only one direction. As long as the construct of no fault divorce persists in western law, men are now rejecting it, and should increasingly continue to reject it as an institution.

And this society we’re living in, it’s a patriarchy, right?"


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Pre-nup.
And pre-marital classes/counseling.

To me,it's not worth it.then again,I'm divorced and probably have clouded judgment because of that.

To others,being married is the most beautiful and valued thing you can do with your life aside from being a parent. 

Every person is different. You have to decide if it's worth it to YOU.No one else should be able to sway your opinion on the matter if it's truly worth it to you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Viseral said:


> And this society we’re living in, it’s a patriarchy, right?"


No and it shouldn't be. Looks like you need to find another society to live in to match your thoughts on marriage.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

It is a huge commitment. I didn't realise until I was married just what it would imply. 

It implies that many decisions will depend on your partner's input and situation (not that she will dictate, but you can't even go away for a weekend without being sure it won't impact her). It also means if you have had a life seeking a woman to marry, that needs to stop dead. In other words you may find you have to change some deep habitual ways of thinking about life.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

theonemike said:


> Hello
> I'm Mike I'm 27 years old and I am currently in a long term relationship with my girlfriend. I've known her for 5 years..We are deeply in love. I'm always there for her and she always supports me..and I think that I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level(marriage). I've already planned to propose to her by Christmas(I have already bought a wedding ring WHICH I'm hiding in the house). I have a good career and I earn a decent salary which leaves a good amount of disposable income for me & my girlfriend(she works too-part time)....
> 
> Now, I have been to a number of weddings...I see all smiles and kisses but two years down the road it always ends up in family court...and I DON'T always understand why people say vows about caring for each other for the rest of their lives and end up divorcing a few years later.....
> ...


I love this post. You remind me of me, 20 years ago. We lived together for 5 years... frankly - I was getting the vibe at that point that if I didnt pop the question - she might bail on me. ;-) I was 28 when I proposed.

You know the deal. You know the stats. You have seen busted marriages and successful ones - and even the 'happy' marriages have their problems right?

Laugh.

Let me tell you - it is worth the chance. You are old enough, and wise enough - you have waited enough - you seem smart and grounded. WTF are you waiting for?

You are going to propose - she is going to say yes, you are going to get married and be gloriously happy for a while. You are going to have challenges and fights, and happiness and closeness too. The honeymoon may eventually end in 10 years or so and you may settle down into the long slow smolder of comfortable, attached and bonded pair. You will both change and grow and at some point you may be pleasantly surprised at how much pleasure you get simply from being together and watching your spouses little successes in life as well as your own. You may have kids. You may not. You will figure it out.

She will also drive you nuts and make you crazy and you will do the same to her. You might have some seriously rough patches. Its not all sunshine and rainbows. And thats fine. Learning to accept people and all of their parts is a big part of it.

Your entire life is in front of you - you have a chance, take it. Throw yourself into it and relish it like you were both going to be killed in a trainwreck next week. Let fly. Full steam ahead.. know what I mean? Nobody can predict the future. Personally - it is the best decision I ever made.

'Is marriage worth risking these days.' Yep.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I love this post. You remind me of me, 20 years ago. We lived together for 5 years... frankly - I was getting the vibe at that point that if I didnt pop the question - she might bail on me. ;-) I was 28 when I proposed.
> 
> You know the deal. You know the stats. You have seen busted marriages and successful ones - and even the 'happy' marriages have their problems right?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Well said. One of my favorite quotes applies to your decision to marry even though it was made in the context of surfing:

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

another, if you want to start tossing philosophical quotes around... 

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion." - _Thoreau_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You bet it's worth it! Every moment of it too.

I've been married over 12 years and we are still madly in love with each other. We also put our marriage as our number 1 priority and meet each others needs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

theonemike said:


> and I DON'T always understand why people say vows about caring for each other for the rest of their lives and end up divorcing a few years later.....


Word to the wise: Most people who get married never ever expect to divorce. Most people go in with best intentions.

Love is a leap of faith. So is marriage. There are simply NO guarantees with a marriage. Or any relationship. It may last. It may not. 

Whether you marry this lady or not should not be based on anyone else besides what you both want. Don't let outsiders influence you, whether good or bad, on such a major life-changing decision. 

I personally have been married and later divorced. I really do not think I would ever remarry. However, I do not knock anyone who gets married or wants to remarry or anything like that. 

It really does work for some people. My parents have been married thirty five years and have a very loving and healthy relationship which to me is the standard. I admire them and it's great to see such a good couple. 

Now, despite that, marriage isn't something I think is for everyone. And I fully respect those that do. And those that don't.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

I thought exactly the same things you do when I got married but boy after going through a divorce - my views on marriage became quite tainted.

You are right you see people all happy to get engaged and married but what they don't realize is that after everyone is gone and life begins together as a married couple it is a lifetime of work, communication and exploration. Not to mention that as you grow she will have to grow as well or you start to grow apart.

That is one thing that happened to us.

I can say that my marriage was worth it. The divorce was a huge freakin battle, but turned me into the man I always wanted to become. It made me question whether marriage was worth it.

With what I know now I've met someone who is more in line with who I am. Will I marry her? Not sure.

With all that said you do what is right for your life and in your heart. Just be prepared that the road won't always be smooth and you'll both have to work at the relationship but a great marriage can truly be something unique that will leave you in bliss and last a lifetime.

I once was told that the beginning phase of a relationship and marriage is great - we all love that phase but when it ends that is when relationships begin to die. Don't let that beginning phase end and you'll continue to live on cloud 9 with your spouse.

Just from my experience. Hope it works out!

Joe


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ..Whether you marry this lady or not should not be based on anyone else besides what you both want. Don't let outsiders influence you, whether good or bad, on such a major life-changing decision.


:iagree:


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

OK...40 years married here and I would not change a thing...even getting her pregnant at 17 and getting married. We are best friends. The sex is hot. I would rather be with her than anyone else. I do believe that living together is not the same. Marriage is the ultimate commitment. However, it is not easy. That is because marriage has a way of revealing your own selfishness and emotional immaturity. It was not easy for us. Nothing worth it rarely is. But it has been oh so rewarding. I would not have grown into the person I am today without having to take a good look in the mirror and make the necessary changes to become a better person.

I feel that most people do not go into marriage with their eyes wide open. Premarital counseling is a must. If areas of incompatibility are revealed that are insurmountable do not think love will take care of everything. It won't.


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## thegap (Oct 3, 2012)

Jellybeans is absolutly right, you should go with your feeling

However

If you ask my personal opinon base on my experience...

If I could go back I would not have married till a lot later than I did. Or not at all
You can read why in the topic I posted
and,,, if I divorce now I do not want to get married again
or have any more kids...thats for sure..

If I were in your postion I would decide if you are gonna have kids and how many.
Then have all your kids 1st and if your relationship lasts till your youngest kid is over 5 then you can be pretty sure that if you get married it will last!

Young parenthood is probabably the biggest challenge a relationship will face. That challenge can make people change weather they want to or not, and they may not even realizie it.

Let there be no doubt it will put pressure on your relationship.

From my experience it seems like its a lot easier for a woman to leave a marridge than a man, and the woman usually ends up a lot better off
You could find yourself trapped, if you feel like you are not happy and want to leave...

The thing to remember is 
That even though you are in love now and everything feels so right, people change 
Either you or her, and quite likely her, especially if she goes through rigors of child bearing.

The question is 
Will everything still feel so right after either one of you or both of you have changed.... you won't know till you get there!

A time will come after you have had kids, been together for a while and have had some real life experience together, then you will know what you really want 

My advice, leave it till you have got down the road a bit further

best wishes

TG


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

I agree with many posters here it can be worth it, especially if children are in your future.

Just realize something early on that I did not....which got us into the "death spiral"....I wrote this in another thread:

-Early in a relationship is the EASY part-New relationships-the excitement of the chase-anticipation in seeing and spending time with the other person, learning and doing new things with another person, the dopamine rush, everything new and exciting (especially sex), the "fog" clouding ones view of many things outside of this relationship

The HARD part that nobody explains: You marry....50-60 hour/week job, kids-sports-school activities, racing non stop thru the week just to get things done, balancing immediate and extended family needs........and the KICKER-after a few years all the GOOD stuff that was in the early part of a relationship is smoldering at best---the fog---dopamine--you are in each others faces all the time so there is much less in the way of newness, talking is more labored and going out on dates is only once in a blue moon due to all the other priorities....now the HARDEST part: Now you have to WORK many times harder than when you first met on keeping your relationship with your partner good and have to make it a high priority or you will be one of the many people on TAM trying to understand what happened to their life.

In my case our relationship was not high priority. Compound this with my wife not being able to explain to me what was happening to her.......and I did not know really what was happening to me........add 6 kids into the mix....train wreck waiting to happen....oh, it did for me this past summer.

Just remember if you do marry, make your relationship with your wife a HIGH priority.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you don't have doubts, why are you here on a website for marital issues? 
Remember, actions speak louder than words.
You can live together in marriage or otherwise and still not know each other.
You will be changed by this union.
What do you expect to get out of this marriage?
What are you willing to give up?
Dishonesty with ourselves and others is a common theme.
Divorce is more likely than not in any marriage, when you look at statistics.
Most folks lie to themselves and others. Whether they know it is or call it a lie is something else.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Save yourself some time and heartache and just give her half your stuff and hate her. LOL

No seriously, ask yourself this one question. "Is she my best friend and am I hers?" and if the answer is a resounding YES! then marry her. If not, just shack up!


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## thegap (Oct 3, 2012)

Gunthar said:


> Just remember if you do marry, make your relationship with your wife a HIGH priority.


Indeed,,, and your wife needs to remember to make her relationship with you a high priority also!

The rest of Gunthers reality story is, unfortunately very true.
I have read and seen the same thing time and time not just here but on lots of other forums and in with other couples in my life experience as well...

when you have been together for a while you tend to use your life situations as an excuse not to give to each other in your relationship 

Eg your wife asks you to work on the house, help with washing, cooking, cleaning, or take the kids of her hands for a while but you come back at her with, oh but honey I'm so tired, it's so stressful and hard at work, I really don't have anything left right now can i do it another time..can i just sit now and read the paper/watch the sport. 
Then, another time never comes and her resentment sets in.

An Eg from your side of the coin,, you ask your wife if she feels like getting down to some naughty business later or you make a move on her and she brushes you off, with the excuse that, she is so tired, there is so much to do in the house, the kids are on my case, I really don't feel like it, 
then, there is always something and she never feels like it and your resentment sets in

thus the down wards spiral begins !

I'll bet my house anyone who has been married for any period of time knows this scenario!

The thing is that these excuses would never be valid if you tried to use them on a partner in a new relationship, you may get away with once or twice but after 6 months you would be moving on
but marriage complicates the moving on process and you can end up living in resentment and regret

On the upside though if you both remember this when you both feel like you have nothing left you but you carry on giving what your partner wants regardless, then your marriage will probably be very successful

It all about finding a balance of giving and receiving what each other wants and needs

Its a skill,,, some couples find the skill comes naturally but unfortunately most of us mere mortals have to work damn hard at it!

True story


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Here's an astute article summarizing how marriage laws in the US negatively affect men, thereby dis-incentivizing marriage for men, and incentivizing divorce for women.
> 
> You sound like a good man, and I therefore recommend you look at marriage as a business contract because if you live in western society the laws are definitely not in your favor. As a man, you assume a lot for financial risk.
> 
> ...


Oh my. Please disregard this post in particular, bitter twisted anD inaccurate writings.

As some very sensible people have pointed out, yes it's worth it, go to premarital counseling to ensure compatibility and learn how to not be a doormat but also be a fair and good husband. 
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Save yourself some time and heartache and just give her half your stuff and hate her. LOL
> 
> No seriously, ask yourself this one question. "Is she my best friend and am I hers?" and if the answer is a resounding YES! then marry her. If not, just shack up!


And look for someone else who is your best friend while enjoying what benefits you have.


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

<<<<. And look for someone else who is your best friend while enjoying what benefits you have. >>>>>

But don't forget about the passion, desire and sex.
A best friend is great but you want your spouse to be your lover also.


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## NeverHereEverEver (Oct 7, 2012)

Read every story you can on no-fault divorce. Google divorce + 'no longer love him'. Google divorce + 'no longer love her'. Google everything you can on divorce + affair. Google stories by both men and women on why they chose to divorce their spouses. Learn what happens to the financial provider in divorce. Google divorce + betrayal.

"In sickness and in heath, for richer or poorer, till death do you part." Do you both really know what this means?

I would love nothing better than to get married and have children, but after having done this research myself, there's no way I'm going to take the risk. Like you, I've witnessed the all too common devastation that follows most well intended marriages. I'm well educated, make a ton of money, own my own home, and have a really good life. To lose all that on what basically amounts to a flip of a coin? Not this guy. No-fault divorce renders marriage vows meaningless. Most marriages end in divorce or end up with one or both spouses feeling trapped and miserable. Of course there are great, life-long marriages out there, but from what I've seen, they are the rare exception.

Do your homework. Study up. Go to pre-marital counseling. Make darn sure you're thinking with your head and not just your heart. After all that, if you’re still sure, go for it.


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## fianceofangler (Oct 7, 2012)

NeverHereEverEver said:


> Like you, I've witnessed the all too common devastation that follows most well intended marriages. I'm well educated, make a ton of money, own my own home, and have a really good life. To lose all that on what basically amounts to a flip of a coin?


I know what you mean but when I was 22 I decided to stop being a workaholic to experience a deep relationship with another man instead of having flings. I was the black sheep among successful young women. I made the choice to experience life myself instead of basing my life on what I saw or heard about life. In the process I found out who I was as a human being and not a robot. My life has spiritual/ emotional freedom instead of just a physical or materialistic one. For now....


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## NeverHereEverEver (Oct 7, 2012)

fianceofangler said:


> I know what you mean but when I was 22 I decided to stop being a workaholic to experience a deep relationship with another man instead of having flings. I was the black sheep among successful young women. I made the choice to experience life myself instead of basing my life on what I saw or heard about life. In the process I found out who I was as a human being and not a robot. My life has spiritual/ emotional freedom instead of just a physical or materialistic one. For now....


Having experienced 'that kind of love' for another person, there's no doubt it's an incredible thing. Nothing better in this life, that's for sure. After experiencing betrayal however, I'm going to stick with the physical and materialistic. To those that find lasting love in another, good on you.


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## fianceofangler (Oct 7, 2012)

I hope you learn to love again. My soul was shattered once as well by an ex-fiance. As for the materialistic things you worry about in the first post...prenups.


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## NeverHereEverEver (Oct 7, 2012)

fianceofangler said:


> I hope you learn to love again. My soul was shattered once as well by an ex-fiance. As for the materialistic things you worry about in the first post...prenups.


"You know I love you baby, but there's this document you need to sign that spells out the terms of who gets what if I catch you in bed with one of my buddies, if you catch me in bed with one of your GFs, if one of us gets sick, if one of us gets poor, or if you/I decide we don't love one another anymore. I do love you however and totally mean it when it comes to the vows."


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Oh my. Please disregard this post in particular, bitter twisted anD inaccurate writings.
> 
> As some very sensible people have pointed out, yes it's worth it, go to premarital counseling to ensure compatibility and learn how to not be a doormat but also be a fair and good husband.
> Good luck
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please, instead of using accusatory terms like "bitter" and "twisted", educate the forum on how "no-fault" divorce laws benefit men and fathers?

The OP asked "Is marriage worth it?", and he deserves to know exactly how marriage laws will affect him. Do no-fault divorce laws benefit him? If so, how? Or, as other posters have pointed out, is he risking his life fortune on a 50/50 coin toss?


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

I think it's refreshing to hear(or read, in this case) someone asking this question. How many just rush in, without giving the marriage much thought? _Far_ too many.

For me, yes it has been worth it. That doesn't mean it hasn't been difficult at times though. At some points(pretty far in the past now, thankfully) it has been _incredibly_ difficult, but we have always been committed to making it work. If you and your GF are completely committed, then you have a decent chance too.

I love Dr. Phil's advice on this very subject. If you are planning to get married, you need to discuss *every single aspect* of things. Where will you live? Who will make the money? Who will do what in the house? Do you want children? How do you want your sex life to be? Etc etc etc.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Liam said:


> I think it's refreshing to hear(or read, in this case) someone asking this question. How many just rush in, without giving the marriage much thought? _Far_ too many.
> 
> For me, yes it has been worth it. That doesn't mean it hasn't been difficult at times though. At some points(pretty far in the past now, thankfully) it has been _incredibly_ difficult, but we have always been committed to making it work. If you and your GF are completely committed, then you have a decent chance too.
> 
> I love Dr. Phil's advice on this very subject. If you are planning to get married, you need to discuss *every single aspect* of things. Where will you live? Who will make the money? Who will do what in the house? Do you want children? How do you want your sex life to be? Etc etc etc.


Agree.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

There are pre-marriage courses. Do that, it will open your eyes.


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

Absolutely worth it.

Hubby and I have had our rough patches, the most recent one being the worst, but it's still worth it. Would I do it all again knowing how much the hard times have hurt me? 100% yes. As well as some of the most difficult times of my life, my marriage has brought me some of the most amazing times of my life.

Be prepared to not always like each other, there will even be times when you question why you got married in the first place, but if you are both willing to work it out during the hard times, and really listen to each other, respect each other, things will improve. I personally feel that it's not necessary to have a "what if we divorce" plan, and I know that a lot will disagree with me. Go into it with a "how can we make this work" attitude. 

Good Luck.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Getting married and being married is awesome and definitely worth it.

What's not worth it is divorce!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

There's been some awesome advice on here. Here's my take.

Marriage does not solve problems, it makes existing problems much worse. If you go into marriage with any thought that it will solve or fix or make anything "better", you will be sorely disappointed.

Kids are much the same way, take your problems, and multiply them by 100 after kids. Marriage is hard work, and before being married you often don't know what that means. Marriage is hard because you have to work towards spending time and building intimacy with someone that you don't always like, who you know every bad thing about, and who knows all of your faults and personal crap.

It takes 15 hours a week minimum of quality time to maintain a healthy marriage. Are you willing to put that in every week even when you hate your spouse and you have kids and are exhausted and busy from work?

I recommend taking a long hard look at your relationship and expectations. Be open and honest about them. Do some pre-marital counseling. Feel it out.

I can tell you that in a GOOD marriage, where both people are committed, it's definitely worth it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Also, I am a big fan on Tom Leykis. Never got to listen to him from the radio, but found him on youtube, and he has great advice.

Most importantly: PRENUP UP
Because, if you two do get divorced, you should have a what-if situation figured out. You have money, she doesn't. She shouldn't be allowed to take you the cleaners 2 years down the line if she wants to. 
And for women that refuse to sign them, or say they aren't romantic, here is what I say:
I don't want to use this contract anymore than you do. 
But if you are having trouble signing it, that is making me wonder what you trully love about me. (paycheck or is it me?)

I've heard some real horror stories from oldwer classmates (mainly men) where their wives take them to the cleaners, so they are back at school to get an education. And guess what, they didn't have a prenup. 

First:
Never marry until you have achieved your dreams. 
For me, my dream is to be an accountant, have a good income and stock portfolio, look my best, and be able to do whatever I want. 
Have you achieved your dream? If not, hold off. Because women will push you for your dream until it steps on them. Meaning, they can't get you into marriage, or it means they have to step out of their comfort zone. So as long as you keep her as a girlfriend, you can dump her to chase your dream. 

Second, are you older than 25? Another Leykis bit here. Never get married before 25. At 25, you are old enough you should have a CAREER (not a job), you should know what a HEALTHLY relationship looks like, and you should have been in several, or at least a few to know what you do and don't want. 

And finally, if you are married, every 3-5 years of the marriage, ask yourself, "Am I happy?" 
Because if the answer is no, you should look to get out. Why stay in something you aren't happy in. 

And some other things teachers/people taught me:
What do you two fight about? 
Are your goals similar? Like me, I don't know if I'll ever want kids after what I am going through, and I doubt that will change. Now, would a girl that wants to have a giant family and me be a match made in heaven? Probably not. 
Can you two talk about both the profound and the trivial? 
Are either of you left wanting in the relationship?


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## theonemike (Oct 3, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Also, I am a big fan on Tom Leykis. Never got to listen to him from the radio, but found him on youtube, and he has great advice.
> 
> Most importantly: PRENUP UP
> Because, if you two do get divorced, you should have a what-if situation figured out. You have money, she doesn't. She shouldn't be allowed to take you the cleaners 2 years down the line if she wants to.
> ...


I have listened to Tom Leykis (although I'm British)
and he does makes a lot of sense

Me and her never fight although we have small disagreements about me going out with my boys every other Sunday.....its just trivial things like ''why didnt you get brown bread,why do you always buy white bread instead of brown''


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Please, instead of using accusatory terms like "bitter" and "twisted", educate the forum on how "no-fault" divorce laws benefit men and fathers?
> 
> The OP asked "Is marriage worth it?", and he deserves to know exactly how marriage laws will affect him. Do no-fault divorce laws benefit him? If so, how? Or, as other posters have pointed out, is he risking his life fortune on a 50/50 coin toss?


The facts are that when a woman divorces a man statistically speaking, she will end up worse off then him, due to the fact that she's still more likely to do most of the child rearing and incur most of the monetary costs involved with that and less likely to be able to work the same hours as her ex etc which reduces her earning capacity and the ability to be promoted.

Many women after divorce end up in poverty and so do their children, not so often men. 

Women should think long and hard before they get married, they are still more likely to have to make the most sacrifices for least gain, and do the majority of childcare and household chores whilst holding down a full time job, in which they are very likely to be discriminated against in due to child rearing issues.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

as a divorce lawyer

my answer is this

is marriage worth it ?

answer #1: For 85% of people if not maybe more, NO IT IS NOT

answer #2: for 15% of people or less marriage is worth it. They find true love aka the consummate love. They are truly happy people, have true happiness and because of this they can truly love themselves, and others along with each other. 

*Marriage is worth it for some people it really is.* Honest truth is that its not worth it for most people though they only destroy themselves because of their actions its so sad but its true.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> The facts are that when a woman divorces a man statistically speaking, she will end up worse off then him, due to the fact that she's still more likely to do most of the child rearing and incur most of the monetary costs involved with that and less likely to be able to work the same hours as her ex etc which reduces her earning capacity and the ability to be promoted.
> 
> Many women after divorce end up in poverty and so do their children, not so often men.
> 
> Women should think long and hard before they get married, they are still more likely to have to make the most sacrifices for least gain, and do the majority of childcare and household chores whilst holding down a full time job, in which they are very likely to be discriminated against in due to child rearing issues.


:iagree:


There is a incredibly questionable and pernicious view that some people have about women divorcing men though. Some people are under the belief that the woman has such a "wonderful" life after divorce. I notice this among people who often fit the descriptions of misogynists. Fact is most women after divorce are way worse off than when married the fact that women file for divorce roughly 3/4 of the time only to live a worse off life (at least stability/economically that is) is evidence enough that their lives in the marriage were horrible and they are willing to take a loss in order to be away from that man.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Also, I am a big fan on Tom Leykis. Never got to listen to him from the radio, but found him on youtube, and he has great advice.
> 
> Most importantly: PRENUP UP
> Because, if you two do get divorced, you should have a what-if situation figured out. You have money, she doesn't. She shouldn't be allowed to take you the cleaners 2 years down the line if she wants to.
> ...


Tom Leykis is an incredibly unhappy misogynist.

i pity men like him. Everyday having to wake up and fight with their minds and tell themselves everything is alright. I have no idea where to begin in describing him.


HE IS THE LAST PERSON

i would take advice from. He feeds anger and hate he is truly unhappy


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## thegap (Oct 3, 2012)

I think, that the important thing to remember is that regardless of who we think comes off worse or better as a result of divorce or no matter how good or bad you think your relationship is now 
The fact is that a life time is a long time to be tied to someone and people change over time 
No one knows what is going to happen in the future or even tomorrow!

Personally I find the concept of a life time of monogamy absolutely ridiculous, but I stress, “that’s just my opinion”
The fact is the modern survival rate for marriage is not good and that you should prepare for.

When you are in a relationship as a couple in the beginning, (and when you consider a life time, 5 years is just a beginning), things are good, but overtime and with the contribution of life pressures, little things that may just be insignificant niggles now get amplified and become very big issues, then of course there are new niggles that jump into the mix, then the problems begin. 

Prenuptial agreements and marriage guidance to point out the regular pitfalls should be a serious consideration for both of you

Perhaps contact the marridge advisors on your own 1st to get some advice on how to propose and broach the guidance and legal aspect without “ruining the moment” as it were!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> There is a incredibly questionable and pernicious view that some people have about women divorcing men though. Some people are under the belief that the woman has such a "wonderful" life after divorce. I notice this among people who often fit the descriptions of misogynists. Fact is most women after divorce are way worse off than when married the fact that women file for divorce roughly 3/4 of the time only to live a worse off life (at least stability/economically that is) is evidence enough that their lives in the marriage were horrible and they are willing to take a loss in order to be away from that man.


I'm sorry but when you see mountains of women that run off and cheat and then end up getting PAID for it, I consider that "better off", regardless of the outcome.

If men could get a check for sleeping around there wouldn't be enough lawyers to divorce all of us.

Don't equate how they end up with who gets the short end of the stick. I'll use my D as an example, I know it's a common theme around here. Husband wants to stay married, wife runs off with other men. Husband has to pay for her house, car, furniture and massive support for the kids, while wife gets to continue working part time and sleeping around with whoever she wants.

Now is the fact that she goes off and blows all her money and is broke relevant? Just because I budget and am "better off" doesn't mean that the divorce is going in my favor. Nevermind the fact that I have to pay $30-$40k to see my kids more than every other weekend (I actually had to go to court to plead to pay the same amount of support to get the kids half time).

It would be a woe is me tale if it were original, but it's all too common. For every woman who is in an abusive relationship, there is a dirty gold digging sl*t that feels entitled to her ex's wallet while she bangs other dudes.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

If yo find the right spouse it is.

I'm in a sexless marriage that we are working on, I see sexless as a temporary phase.

I would marry my wife again... no doubt.

So in my case even with a major issue... yes its worth it.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Sure it's worth it if you can beat the stats. Beware statistics my friend. If 60% of marriages end in divorce(I'm just making that number up for the sake of argument. I don't know the actual stats), I would argue that 60% of the people I know either shouldn't have married the person they divorced or shouldn't have married at all.

I'm going to say having a "life partner" is worth it. What's the alternative? Spit out kids without both parents being together? (Keep in mind raising children and staying together for life doesn't necessarily mean you have to be legally married, just monogamous with a life partner). Don't have kids at all? Is living alone the bulk of your older years ok with you? I think having a life partner to share your life with is far more preferable than being single for life. I don't care how much of a staunch independence believer you are, humans are social and we thrive on interaction with a significant other.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> Tom Leykis is an incredibly unhappy misogynist.
> 
> i pity men like him. Everyday having to wake up and fight with their minds and tell themselves everything is alright. I have no idea where to begin in describing him.
> 
> ...


I tend to agree, from the very little of him I have bothered looking at - I didnt think it worth any of my time, really.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Just give her half your stuff and hate her... Lol save yourself the time. Jk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Just give her half your stuff and hate her... Lol save yourself the time. Jk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You've said that in this thread twice now, so maybe not so much a 'jk'?

Fact is, there are a lot of hurt people on this forum, it's probably not the best place to get a broad picture of marriage. 

In regard to those men that have been divorced and have this idea that women frolic about splashing their hard earned cash...it's a minority. When I divorced I left with nothing. He took the house. I was living in poor conditions and eating noodles to survive until I managed to get a job at a hospital laundry. He sold the house we bought together recently for 5 times the amount we bought it for, I didn't receive a penny even though I contributed, his current wife gets those benefits. My ex has no interest is seeing our child, I did pregnancy and birth alone. He has to pay child support, but its a tiny amount compared to what our expenses are, especially considering she is autistic and has multiple specialist appointments. But that is just my story. The experiences you hear here are just that, one persons experience. It is not going to give you a crystal ball insight as to what marriage with your partner is going to look like.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I absolutely think a good marriage it worth it, but I think that there are TONS of people who don't really think about long-term compatibility, shared values, and so on. They rush into marriage without a real idea of what they're signing on for, and they feel let down that it's not a fairy-tale.
> 
> After five years, you should have a pretty good idea of what each other's best and worst traits are. If you're still deeply in love, then you've got a high chance of avoiding the kind of problems your mates found.


No. I have learned that no matter how many years your guys together before marriage, you can not be sure what type of person your partner will turn into after your marriage. People can change and show more true color under the protection of marriage. Wife may have another change after having a baby. 

Go for the marriage anyway and learn the lessons yourself.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My marriage is worth it. I don't know if yours will be. There are all different types of marriage.
> 
> Do you have passion? Pure passion? I couldn't marry someone without it.
> 
> ...


Passion can blind you. Opinions can change dramatically after marriage. These are not good indicators to predict marriage. 

Personality counts. Watch what she really cares and the way she is thinking. If you have not had a chance to observe her in a deep stressful situation or what she is thinking when is upset with you, you have not see her other side. The other side is critical.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

loveisforever said:


> Passion can blind you. Opinions can change dramatically after marriage. These are not good indicators to predict marriage.
> 
> Personality counts. Watch what she really cares and the way she is thinking. If you have not had a chance to observe her in a deep stressful situation or what she is thinking when is upset with you, you have not see her other side. The other side is critical.


This is not always an indicator either. I did these things. I saw very little I didn't agree with. Our thoughts and goals were pretty similar.

I never saw another side until I thought she was cheating. Even then, it was very subtle. Of course, I lied to myself about it.

I don't think you can know. I think you take your chances.

I also think, as someone else said, when it is good, there is *nothing* better.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Marriage is worth is as long as you don't buy the cultural mythology that it is about falling in love and doesn't involve hard work. The most important issue is to understand that you are negotiating a sometimes unconscious contract, where both of you are hoping for old wounds to be healed. Marriage, as long as you are both conscious, and willing to work, can be both healing as well as a deep growing source of friendship, partnership, and intimacy that can grow and deepen over the years. DrDavidCOlsen "The Couple's Survival Workbook" (echo publishers)


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

COguy said:


> I'm sorry but when you see mountains of women that run off and cheat and then end up getting PAID for it, I consider that "better off", regardless of the outcome.
> 
> If men could get a check for sleeping around there wouldn't be enough lawyers to divorce all of us.
> 
> ...


^^ the above actually tends to be a rare situation. Threads on talk about marriage are not representative of the entire populace. By and large the vast majority of females filing for divorce are not running off with other men and "living it up".


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

DrDavidCOlsen said:


> Marriage is worth is as long as you don't buy the cultural mythology that it is about falling in love and doesn't involve hard work. The most important issue is to understand that you are negotiating a sometimes unconscious contract, where both of you are hoping for old wounds to be healed. Marriage, as long as you are both conscious, and willing to work, can be both healing as well as a deep growing source of friendship, partnership, and intimacy that can grow and deepen over the years. DrDavidCOlsen "The Couple's Survival Workbook" (echo publishers)


you can work all you want you can never make two people who are not compatible truly love each other. The consummate love= the true love the happy love. 

Not all people are fit for marriage because most people lack the foundations the building blocks which lead an individual to be capable of truly loving another and putting aside inner turmoil that so often destroys people.


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