# Help please!!!!!!



## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

My spouse places conditions on our relationship, ones that I cannot live happily with. It makes me feel depressed because all I want to do is love this man ad express that love but I pull back because those feelings are no returned. He puts things above me that are so juvenile to me but even with my personal feelings I try and respect his. The biggest thing that I feel is an issue right now is his addiction to a website. If I asked him to choose one it should be a no contest where me his woman is chosen but when I ask that question all I get is “I don’t have a answer or I don’t know .“ We’re both frustrated and both tired of the same conversations but I can’t let this go. He made it so clear to me by the things that he says to me and actions that he takes that I come second to a website, that is something that I feel has pushed me to the max and I really don’t know what else to do. There is no turning back from that there is only the option of moving forward but to me that can only happen if changes are made. He wants me to stand there and dictate what things he can and can’t do or should and shouldn’t do or say but I am not his mother and I do not feel like that will help us. I am really getting desperate to make things work between us, I’ve tried compromising, I offered for us to go to counseling, but nothing seems to register in his mind, I feel really ignored and hurt and I don’t know what else to do. I just feel like I can’t keep compromising myself in order to make “us” happy when in that process I am not happy. I don’t want me to be happy and he is unhappy or resentful towards me but he is allowing me to feel that resentment but ignoring me and placing me second to something that is so insignificant we have a family and I am trying but I really don’t know what else to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In interrogation school we learned "when the subject doesn't answer, the subject answers." Cute way of saying you heard your answer correctly. Can't imagine what website is worth losing a wife over. Is your request reasonable? If he's taking care of you and all his other real-world business and spends a little recreational time on the web, maybe your request is not reasonable. If he's ignoring his other obligations to spends hours on some stupid website, his activities are clearly inappropriate and he needs a leash jerk. 
Given the same set of circumstances, my wife would solve the problem by taking an axe to the computer. Perhaps not the maturist of reactions, but effective. 
I see it as a respect issue. He's getting something he needs from you. Could be sex, could be meals, could be financial assistance with bills. Next time he wants dinner, tell him to eat something from Webmeals.com - meals delivered Resources and Information.This website is for sale!. If his clothes are dirty, www.laundry.com. He asks you where your paycheck is, tell him, "I don't have an answer for that right now....maybe you can look on your website for some money."


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

Thank you so much for responding!  He is not a bad man we share the responsibilities of the household pretty equally. He has made it very clear to me that "if" there is a choice between me and this website he doesn't have a answer as to what he would choose. That in itself says to me that he would not choose me and he constantly tells me I am overreacting. I feel like nothing should come before me except our son! With him saying that to me the situation has been pushed to the max. I do to try to control him or place limits on anything all i asked was that our relationship is respected by not saying things that should not be said, and I do not like it being a everyday 24/7 thing. I do not feel that this is too demanding and that I am asking for a lot. I really do not know what more I can do, it's to the point where I can't even pray about it, I don't talk to family, and I really just hold it in until I literally can't anymore. I've poured my heart to him time and time again but its like it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm so hurt and i"m trying to work it out but he has to get out his own way and ours and see what his actions are doing. unfortunately he is content with blaming everything on me or on something else just to change the discussion of a website. I have set up to go to counseling individually and then together but I really don't know if anything can help. But again I really appreciate you responding, anything more you have to say will be very appreciated.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just curious - maybe it doesn't matter - but what kind of website? Is this a video-game addiction, too much online chatting or socializing, or is it sex related?

So - when you tell him "It's me or the website", what's the consequence? Are you ready to make some kind of change - leave for the night, for a week, file for divorce, pour water on the computer - if he won't stop the behavior, give you a straight answer, or if he tells you he chooses the website?

One important thing - don't give him an ultimatum unless you are ready to back it up.

What are you willing to do? What "can" you do?

Good luck. I know there are a lot of people here who have had to compete with a lot of different things on the internet - World of WarCraft, Facebook, and of course on-line porn are all very common problems. (I don't even understand the World of WarCraft thing - but I've seen it around here many times.)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are consequences to our actions. You have explained how you feel and he either doesn't believe you are serious or he just doesn't care. Either way, his response seems dismissive and disrespectful. A "good" man would take a bullet for his wife. It's hard to comprehend one not clicking off a stupid web site. Either you are valued or you aren't and if you aren't being valued, what's the point of dusting around this guy? Life happens in the real world and not on websites. If he prefers the virtual world, the earth is full of men who would love to assume his place in the real one.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> In interrogation school we learned "when the subject doesn't answer, the subject answers."


That's very wise.

"What are you thinking?" .... "Nothing".

That "Nothing" speaks volumes. Something like ... "My thoughts are such that I can't tell you. I will not share my inner most thoughts and feelings with you. I will not do that because I was day dreaming of another man. Because I'm thinking about leaving you". Or whatever.

That "Nothing" is a massive deception and it's a complete and utter lie. My goodness it takes a Buddhist decades to be able to think on only one thing. It's simply not possible to think nothing.

Bob


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

Thank you all you have no idea how much I appreciate your responses. It is a facebook issue but the problem is he makes the issues different than what I am saying to him. I have told him that my issue is NOT him talking to other females. I am not jealous, insecure, or naive to think he will never speak with females. My problem is the amount of time spent on this website versus the amount of time spent on me. He tries to keep this website separate from me like he tries to hide our relationship. I only asked if it came down to the choice what would it be. I'm really hurt that he is letting this come in between our family. I'm just really tired of it and I tried to work it out, instead of focusing on this he tries to create other issues in the relationship just to ignore this one. I can't do that, if that is the biggest issue then that should be addressed first. He tries to say that I'm overreacting and just upset because he talks to other females but that is so far from the truth. As long as our relationship is respected and flirtatious comments are not being made I really don't care about that. The world is not made of one sex so I don't like being made the bad guy cause he tries to make the issue something I didn't even say. Sometimes I just want to delete his page so he wakes up and tries to log on and its not there. But I know better than that because that accomplishes nothing but resentment. So I try to be mature about the situation and like I said I tried different ways to work it out. Just this morning he told me with all the stress and frustration he doesn't think we can be happy again...that hurts because the only arguments we have is about this website. I am just really hurt and I can't make him see what is right in front of his face. He is tearing us apart for a website and I don't know what else I can do....


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

There have been times that I said maybe its best if he leaves but I also end of stopping him, I don't want to let go but if I have to i'm trying to find the strength to do it


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

With Facebook, its not so much the "website" - but more likely a question of "who is he talking to?"


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

It's anyone and everyone...he goes on there and adds people just to add people. Once he even said to me he wanted to break a record so he just adds people. I thought that was so childish and idiotic. It's been times when he has contacted people from the past that caused a problem in our relationship that was something that I will not allow. I feel like if he or me let another person (or a person themselves) come in between our relationship or causes a problem or breach of trust between us..Then that person should be eliminated permanently! Why keep the drama around? Our relationship is more important than some person trying to come in between that. In the past there have been inappropriate things said but I let that go in a way. I think on some level it still bothers me that all of that happened and its still a factor today. At the same time I see that he would resent me if he felt like I made him give it up, so I try to compromise. At this point I don't know what we can do. I have set up the counseling (something I asked HIM to do months ago) and it will begin next Thursday. If this does not work I really have exhausted all options that I can think of because a relationship is built on two people and BOTH of their needs being met...I can't make it work alone.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just re-read your post - my comments were a bit off.

With most people its more about who their spouse is talking to. But you just want to get more attention than all the random "nobodies" are getting.


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

That is true...he makes me feel like I am the nobody to him instead of his everything as I should be. Please understand me when I say that I am not needy of attention or anything like that, I just feel that two people who are in love should express that and always make gestures to make the other person feel good. I want to do that with him and for him but I can't and won't until he does the same. I can't give and give and give and never receive. This leaves drained emotionally and I won't self destruct myself, and that's not love or healthy. I am really upset because he is planning a night with the guys. That not fair because I want to go out with him. He constantly does this when he gets money but when he doesn't have money then he sits and expects me to be happy with that. I don't think that is fair and its not okay. So I offered a compromise, that night lets go to a place where his friends can be there and mines will be there and we can still have fun together. But he told me he doesn't want to which really upsets me. If I were driving which I am not then I could go out with my friends but I have no way to get to where they are going without him. I'm sick of being rejected by him on too many occasions. It's hard to be affectionate with him when he won't take me out. Hopefully, counseling will help but if not I know that things will be over because I have really exhausted all options at that point.


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## truebeauty (Jun 25, 2010)

The first couseling session went well I think. Hopefully too much damage has been done where we can't repair theis relationship. In any event I am optimustic about the future whether that is together or separate.


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