# I think my husband is stealing money from me



## macey8 (May 2, 2015)

Recently my parents sent us a huge amount of cash as a gift. About $3,000. They wired it to my husband's bank account. We don't have a joint account. I don't have my own bank account so they have no other option but to wire it to his account. However, when I asked him to check it to see if it has gone through, he mentioned an amount which has a bit of discrepancy compared to the amount my parents told me they had sent through. The discrepancy is about $200 dollars. Why do I have a gut feeling that he's not telling me the truth about the actual amount that went through? If he's actually stealing from me, how do I bring it up? How can I confirm this if my instincts are correct? And how do I keep him from stealing from me? These amounts are not huge amounts, but I don't understand why he has to sneak in instead of asking me straight up? 

If this info helps, I earn more than he does. At the moment, I set a budget for our bills, food, savings and if there's extra money - we normally have a nice dinner or treat our kid with a new toy or something similar. 

I appreciate your thoughts / advice. Thanks.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Get a joint account, AND your own account. Technically, the money belongs to you both since you're married (so he can't steal it, only misuse it), but since it was wired to HIS account, he can make a case that it's his.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

You just have to ask him. And also ask him to verify his account online with you there. In this way you will be able to see when the money come in and when the 200$ went out of the account.

We both have separate accounts but he knows my password and I know his password from the banking online app.


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## macey8 (May 2, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Get a joint account, AND your own account. Technically, the money belongs to you both since you're married (so he can't steal it, only misuse it), but since it was wired to HIS account, he can make a case that it's his.


Thanks Married but Happy! I will try and get my own bank account and joint account then. Do you think he would be suspicious? I haven't had my own bank account for a long time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It doesn't matter if he's suspicious. Why should he be any more suspicious than you are of him, anyway? I suggest you each have your own account, have your pay deposited to your own accounts, and each contribute to the joint account for household bills and joint goals. Even though marital money is joint in most cases and most states, that only matters if you divorce. You can have your own money for your own uses (unless there isn't enough after all the bills to do so), that should not have to be accounted for to the other person.


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## macey8 (May 2, 2015)

Kristisha said:


> You just have to ask him. And also ask him to verify his account online with you there. In this way you will be able to see when the money come in and when the 200$ went out of the account.
> 
> We both have separate accounts but he knows my password and I know his password from the banking online app.



Thank you Kristisha! 

He doesn't register his bank account for online banking so I can't go over the statement online together with him. Also, I don't want him to feel I am suspecting him as this can cause a big fight. I've asked him before and casually told me that he didn't know why the amounts did not add up neither. After that, I did not press again. 

My gut feeling tells me that he is sneaking money from me. But I don't have enough proof.


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## macey8 (May 2, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> It doesn't matter if he's suspicious. Why should he be any more suspicious than you are of him, anyway? I suggest you each have your own account, have your pay deposited to your own accounts, and each contribute to the joint account for household bills and joint goals. Even though marital money is joint in most cases and most states, that only matters if you divorce. You can have your own money for your own uses (unless there isn't enough after all the bills to do so), that should not have to be accounted for to the other person.


We have always fused our money since we got married. Been married for 7 years now. How shall I bring up this idea without hurting his feelings? The reason I ask is because he may play the insecurity card on me. Do you think so?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

You should tell him to register and explain him the advantages, like being able to check in real time with happens with the account. Also it might have been a bill on direct bill that he forgot to pay and that's why it's 200$ short. You should definelly investigate. 

Or you can wait till his statement comes and check it there on what happened with the money. I would be pissed if money would not add up and I would definelly ask what did he do with it? And why didn't he informed me?

Confront him and don't let it go away


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

At the very least, the account should be made a joint account. The way it is set up now, if he's injured (for example) you couldn't get cash or pay bills. Presumably you're the beneficiary (are you?) of the account if he dies - if it's joint, there aren't lengthy delays accessing the money in that case. If he objects to making it joint, point this out to him. And don't take no for an answer. If he resists, simply set up your own account and deposit your pay and other money there. Then you have negotiating power about paying bills and having money for your own needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your parents give the money to both of you, or to you? 

If they gave the money to both of you, then it is half his.

If they gave it to you it should be all yours. But you made a huge mistake. You had your parents deposit it in an account in your husband's name only. So it looks like a gift to him only or to both of you.

You say that you earn .more than he does???? Are you putting all your income into an account in his name only? Why on earth would you do this? Do you even have accessvto his account? 

Open an account in your name only and have your pay direct deposited to your account. Then tell him that you want to open a joint account with him. You can both deposit money in the joint account to pay your bills.

Open a second account in your name only. Use that account only for money that your fsmily gifts or loans you. 

Income from a job is marital income. Gifts from are sole property. Never mix marital income and marital assets with sole income, assets, and debt.


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## TRUEAMERICAN (May 27, 2015)

Don't suspect. Don't think about it a lot. Talk to him and ask him in a non-accusational request to help you fill in the blanks. Tell him what you know and ask as a couple or team to figure it out. Communicate.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> *At the very least, the account should be made a joint account. The way it is set up now, if he's injured (for example) you couldn't get cash or pay bills.* Presumably you're the beneficiary (are you?) of the account if he dies - if it's joint, there aren't lengthy delays accessing the money in that case. If he objects to making it joint, point this out to him. And don't take no for an answer. If he resists, simply set up your own account and deposit your pay and other money there. Then you have negotiating power about paying bills and having money for your own needs.


You really do need to be at least a signer on his account -or better- have your own account.

Seriously -what would happen to you if he was incapacitated? How would you pay your mortgage? What are you suppose to live on....your Tears?

If he did actually take some of that money...that's the least of his theft...if you don't have access to the means of survival -he is stealing your security. 

Fixing this should be a HUGE priority.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

macey8 said:


> Recently my parents sent us a huge amount of cash as a gift. About $3,000. They wired it to my husband's bank account. We don't have a joint account. I don't have my own bank account so they have no other option but to wire it to his account. However, when I asked him to check it to see if it has gone through, he mentioned an amount which has a bit of discrepancy compared to the amount my parents told me they had sent through. The discrepancy is about $200 dollars. Why do I have a gut feeling that he's not telling me the truth about the actual amount that went through? If he's actually stealing from me, how do I bring it up? How can I confirm this if my instincts are correct? And how do I keep him from stealing from me? These amounts are not huge amounts, but I don't understand why he has to sneak in instead of asking me straight up?
> 
> If this info helps, I earn more than he does. At the moment, I set a budget for our bills, food, savings and if there's extra money - we normally have a nice dinner or treat our kid with a new toy or something similar.
> 
> I appreciate your thoughts / advice. Thanks.


you need to get your own bank account at least, and preferably a joint account. Married Couples should imho have completely transparent and shared finances. You're a unit after all.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Macey, why the heck don't you have your own account? Where do you deposit your paychecks? How can you manage the bills if you don't even have access to his bank account? This is weird.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I agree with the other posters that you need your own bank account. If it causes a fight, so be it....you need to put your foot down on this issue. Its important that you have access to money for a million reasons. Also its strange that your parents are sending money to his account that your name isn't on. If I was your parents, I wouldn't even agree to do that.

How did your parents wire the money? I'm asking because its possible that there was a substantial charge depending on how they sent it. I doubt it was as high as $200 but it seems strange to me that he'd tell you about $2800 when 1st, obviously your parents are going to tell you how much they deposited and 2nd, he only took 200 dollars. Is it possible that he over estimated the initial balance in his account so that he's just unclear as to what was deposited?

Do you suspect this because you think he's done it more than just this time?

Financial transparency in marriage is at least as important as sexual transparency (more so in my opinion...I'd rather have a husband that cheated on me than one that stole my hard-earned money). So you have every right to demand an accounting of all marital funds. If he can't be honest with you about this...you really don't have much of a basis for a long-lasting marriage.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Does the bank charge an incoming wire transfer fee? Was the wire domestic or international? Look into this if you haven't.


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## macey8 (May 2, 2015)

Thank you all for your replies. I am working on opening my own bank account now. I think it will help me tremendously. I think I have been too trusting?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

macey8 said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I am working on opening my own bank account now. I think it will help me tremendously. I think I have been too trusting?


Maybe especially since you see any signs of him not being honest with your finances. It's much better at least to be in control over your own income .

Have you found out what was happening with those 200$?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ask your parents for a copy of their receipt from the transfer, that will show the amount sent and any fees that got deducted. 

And for God's sake, get a bank account! Joint is preferable, in my opinion. You said in your OP that YOU set a budget for bills, etc...but how do you KNOW what is actually being spent? If you have no control over or access to the bank account, you really dont have a way to know what is going on. What if something happened to your husband, or you guys were to split up later down the line?? You would be screwed....


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Macey8 I agree with other posters...you either need a joint account or you need your own account and I would insist that he share is login info with you. You guys are married...there should be total transparency. You can give him your login as well.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

So your wages go into his bank account and you have no access? If this is for real then it is time to grow up and get proactive in your family finances. And who doesn't have online banking these days?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Holland said:


> So your wages go into his bank account and you have no access? If this is for real then it is time to grow up and get proactive in your family finances. And who doesn't have online banking these days?


She said that her husband it's not into this online stuff which is weird:| , or at least you can have mobile banking and you can see in real time what it's going on with your bank account.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

macey8 said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I am working on opening my own bank account now. I think it will help me tremendously. I think I have been too trusting?


It's not that you've been too trusting. It's that you have allowed him to be the RULER of the family, instead of your equal. What wife in a healthy relationship worries about 'hurting his feelings' if he hasn't already manipulated you to the point that you have come to believe you are responsible for his feelings?

Time for therapy. Just by yourself.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

I think you should have a separate account and a joint account as others have said, when my wife and I went to set up a joint account unfortunately they would not let us have a joint account, my wife had credit problems from before we where married. I do like Enigma Girl quote of I would rather have sexual infidelity rather than financial infidelity, I tend to agree with her it has the same amount of pain. I hope this is just a misunderstanding between you are your husband, I have been advised that my wife is suffering from NPD.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

You said the money was wired into an account. A lot of banks have some pretty insane wire fees. 6.66% seems high, but I've seen them as high as 10%. So I wouldn't automatically assume he is not telling the truth. Just ask to see the statement. Don't make any other deal out of it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Married 49 years, always had a joint account....I never even checked a balance, my wife handled finances, since as a SAHM she had more time and is a very good with money....

If I knew she was $200 short I would figure she was going to buy me a present and wanted to keep it a surprise... 

We recently came in to some money, and after paying off all our bills, I opened my first account in my name only....I kept some money aside so if I want to take us on a trip or nice vacation, she can't say we don't have the money....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Married 49 years, always had a joint account....I never even checked a balance, my wife handled finances, since as a SAHM she had more time and is a very good with money....
> 
> If I knew she was $200 short I would figure she was going to buy me a present and wanted to keep it a surprise...
> 
> We recently came in to some money, and after paying off all our bills, I opened my first account in my name only....I kept some money aside so if I want to take us on a trip or nice vacation, she can't say we don't have the money....


It does not always work out so well.

One of my brothers did this. After 22 years of marriage she filed for divorce. I started handling his finances because he had no clue. I ended up doing going through his financial records going back 10 years. She move a LOT of money out of their joint accounts into her own name... then to accounts that could not be traced. Their children were doing commercials, movies, etc for years.. she took huge chunks of their earnings too.

you are lucky that you have a wife you can trust. Not all people have the good of their spouse and marriage as their priority.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Get your own bank account. Depending on the currency if there is exchange rates involved the amount would usually be different.


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