# My story (Usual sad and confused post)



## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

Seems like a great forum and I hope to stay an active participant through this community. I guess I am going to jump right in.

I met my wife about 3 years ago. I'm a US citizen and she is Canadian. After 6 months of dating we decided to elope and begin the immigration process for me to move to Canada. I choose to be honest with my family; she didn't. We had a "proper" wedding with both sides (no one from mine spilled the beans) this past September 2010. It was a great time. 

Some background on us:
She comes from an abusive past, has a history of trauma and her last relationship of 5 years was with a morphine addict. 

Background on me: When we met, I recently lost a younger sister to addiction and bulimia. I know addiction quite well from a family perspective. My issues are depression and anxiety. 

Back to our story. We hit things off SO well and had a lot of "core values" align. Similar career paths in social services, educated, and genuinely had fun together. The first signs of problems came from her ex who lived in the apartment below her. He would constantly knock on the door when I was there asking for things. After a few months I basically got sick of it. Though it was innocent I viewed it as co-dependent. He relied on her for daily living stuff and she "had to please him" because she had to please everyone in her life. She thought I was just being jealous which further irritated me. However we both knew we loved each other and had good intentions so we continued to move forward. 

I made the mistake of not letting go of their relationship when she clearly cut him out of her life. I was a bit over jealous and a bit angry about how long and how much I demanded that type of interaction to stop. 

Fast forward many ups and downs that are not important right now and you get the following result.

My wife: is very resilient from her past, extremely guarded, very smart, not very emotional, very loyal, and not jealous. 

I am definitely emotional, very smart, not very guarded, very loyal and a bit jealous. I have worked very hard on the "over-analyzing" and "jealousy" and "emotions" because she asked me to. 

However I found myself matching her. We didn't communicate much, sex died pretty quickly into the marriage (i mean we are only together about 3 years total) and we, to me, were growing apart. She felt things were fine and I was just "being immature and not realistic about marriage." 

She says I always complain about her and she had nothing to complain about me except that I can be messy (she is forgetting she thinks I am too depressive, too emotional, over-analytical, etc). 

So the fights were getting worse despite efforts to try to understand each other's needs. On April 27th I said, "I think we need to separate."

Without emotion, she said "That's all I needed to hear." Bad words probably came from both mouths and I quickly packed some clothes and am currently commuting from the states to work in Canada until the separation agreement is signed. 

We have no kids but did buy a home. We don't have much to "go after" thankfully. However, I have doubted this decision from the onset as I felt our issues really didn't need to be "The end" after I left. However she felt differently. In ways, I understand as we are very emotionally different. 

Her feelings right now are to go with the paperwork and get separated and me live in an apartment and we can "talk and try to work on things but not now." When she said that I empathized and said that I agreed but would like for us to talk as well. She could not give me a hug until i basically just hugged her myself. She began to breakdown. 

I realized that she doesn't want to see me, hug me or have anything to do with me right now because she needs to "keep an even keel" because she doesn't like emotions. But that makes me feel she is just really trying to let go. We haven't spoken since other than texts about business. 

I really believe that if we BOTH take accountability and meet each other in the middle then we would be OK. However she feels "Its all my fault." I tried explaining when I want to talk and she doesn't she can just use a soft tone or affection to remind me that she doesn't want a deep talk. She disagreed and said she does that (as she was yelling at me). She really doesn't take any accountability. 

So I am working on myself, engaging a great psychologist who knows my anxiety and depression and the circumstances around our marriage (and how it coincided with the death of my sister). Overall he feels I have done a good job with my depression and anxiety given that I lost a family member, moved to a new country, got a great job in the country and decided that I will STAY in that country. 

So I guess I am allowing her the "no contact" or wait until she serves me the separation papers. However it is very hard to separate my emotions and logic right now. I really do still have feelings for her. I am only 32 but also feel "Crap I am 32 and dont have kids and now I have to start over in a new country and I know NO ONE but the memories of she and I for the past two years....how am I going to survive." 

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. In Ontario, you have to legally separate for a year before the divorce is finalized. However if we agree to a separation agreement our communication will be basically none until (if she chooses) we sign and finalize. Part of me really wants this still to work but most of my family and friends say "Dude be happy, she is a cold and guarded girl and isn't right for you." 

Sorry for the long post; I am sure there is more to come.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You spend a lot of time talking about what you think her feelings and emotions are. Which is a crapshoot at best. What are your emotions?


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## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

My emotions: confused, sad, denial, bit of anger. 
My thoughts: We weren't married and together that long so we could put more effort into our marriage before quitting. Or, we can just call it a day because I never felt truly connected with her a fair amount of time. Could be that I found a great girl at a vulnurable time in my life and despite being a great woman, we just don't mesh well enough to truly be happy down the road. In ways, logic is very ambivalent right now and my feelings are EVERYWHERE!


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Well, let's table the logic for now and ask yourself "what do you want". Is this an easy out from a bad situation or do you care enough about this woman to look for a solution. All of us who have been married for a while know about the first 3 years. A lot happens then. Usually the honeymoon ends during this time and you face a lifetime of adult daily living. You seem to have come to all of these conclusions without benefit of counseling. I'm not saying it's a panacea but an objective opinion can't hurt. You two don't have to be mirror images of each other to get along and have a fulfilling life, but respect goes a long way acording to Aretha Franklin.


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## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

Well I let her know that I think I was premature on the decision and that I would like to work things out. Am I fully certain? No. She said that she definitely wants to go through with the separation, work out the separation agreement and for me to find my own place. She said she would like to be able to see where things go when we are on our own and get some space. I have decided to stop pleading, and just allow that. The anxiety part of me would continue to beg like a dog. 

We did try counselling but it was of no help; mainly we didn't like the counsellor but she said she would be open in the future to do counselling again with a new therapist. However the real lack of any communication and emotion on her part with just bashing me has given me the emotions of so much confusion, discomfort and self-blame (my fault as I logically know it takes two). 

Either way, separation being final or not, still doesn't make this "feel" anything different than going through the normal stages of grieving. I am not in contact with someone I do deeply care about and still love. It friggin sucks! However I make it to work everday, am trying to take better care of myself and act as if I will be fine with either outcome. But I am sad inside; hence coming here for additional supports and outlets during these very trying times. Again, I am choosing to stay in Canada at a job I love and I work with great people. It doesn't take away the fact that I am a fish out of water right now. Until the agreement is signed and I know the financial details, I am staying at my Mom's in Michigan while the dust is settling. Quite an unnerving experience fresh and ingrained in my head and heart at the moment. 

I appreciate everyone's help thus far.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

ILLlogical said:


> Either way, separation being final or not, still doesn't make this "feel" anything different than going through the normal stages of grieving. I am not in contact with someone I do deeply care about and still love. It friggin sucks! However I make it to work everday, am trying to take better care of myself and act as if I will be fine with either outcome. But I am sad inside; hence coming here for additional supports and outlets during these very trying times. .


ILLlogical, Ditto for me. She dropped the D word on me a week ago; no request of separation so it looks bleak. I also make it to work everyday, but I feel like I have no will power. I am not clearly thinking right now. Heck, I don't even know how to break this to my co-workers - they will find out sooner or later.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I wish I could offer some advice here but it seems like your W is just trying to justify being emotionally disconnected. It almost seems as if she is either being vengeful in retaliation for your comment about separating - that must have really hit her hard; or she really was already looking for a way out of the relationship and you (inadvertingly) opened the door for her. Just my thought on it.


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## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

I can't find reference to the "180" in search so a link could be helpful. However, I think I get the gist of it. I am starting to do some small steps toward the full 180; maybe a 90. 

Since we last saw each other last Tuesday, besides a few business texts; no communication. Today I did decide to text to investigate if she has looked for some personal things at the house, found out about the quick deed on the matrimonial home and also started the separation draft as I am NOT moving into a new place without a legal agreement signed financially. I also added that I am reconsidering aspects of her proposed separation agreement.

She responded something along the lines of that she has not due to dealing with a sick family member, however her delay should NOT affect me getting an apartment and that she will try to get to work on the other things (I think the "life and death situation" as she put it is real but thrown into the text to get me to submit and back off). She said she would begin to work on things I requested. She finished with reminding me to let her know of any changes I am thinking of so as to not waste her time with the draft of the agreement. 


I said that the agreement does in fact impact how I get an apartment as I am not signing a lease without knowing my financial obligations and potential pitfalls with the current agreement and the banks potential interest. I stated that I am agreeing with 50/50 debt (originally I said I would pay a bit more when she broke down crying about being on part time hours for the time being). I realized that there was no need to get emotional with her and consider paying more than what she was asking. So i reverted to 50/50 and I stated that I am going to pay 50% mortgage until the agreed upon date, 50% taxes and no utilities AND no water heater bill and no appliance credit card bill as I am not going to be living there or have vested interest in the home. 

So basically I kept very close to her original separation agreement but added my .02 on what I think is FAIR (taking emotions out of it). I apologized for her grandmother's situation and said Take care. I will not initiate any further communication until I speak with my next lawyer consult on Tuesday of next week. 

Trying to stay strong. Gotta start working out soon as that will help too but one day at a time they say.....


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## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

Just got off the phone (she called) to discuss the changes I wanted in the separation agreement I sent VIA text earlier. I said "they are pretty much exactly in the text." We further went into detail, no arguments. We both saw each others points. The separation agreement is in process. 

She seemed surprised I was going to stay in Canada as she said "You always said you felt better when you went to Michigan." I stated, I am going to do my best in Canada and make this my home when I get my new place. Though harder, it will build my character and resiliency. Then discussed that I will be getting another Dr. as her family works at the clinic. She seemed surprised?! I said "Sorry but given what is going on, I can't feel comfortable seeing your family. I then said I have to go as I have a busy day. All business, no emotional crap. I think I will chalk that convo up to a WIN for me. This isn't a game, but I am just trying to portray that I am indeed strong and I can stand on my own two feet on her turf and move forward independently. I am still operating under the assumption that when the papers are agreed and signed, I then move, and I "act as if" we are over. If down the separation road we talk like adults, then who knows. But right now i am looking after number 1. Still doesn't mean I am going to regret writing this in the morning, have confusion and all the other feelings and emotions. But I think my conversation was a good 180 as I was all business and I ended the conversation. Go me.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Excellent. That will go a long way for you if you continue to take care of yourself and respecting of others along the way. Getting over the emotions; well that will take a long time I am sure.


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## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

Well So much for my 180. She called today with good news; we can get my name off the mortgage; just have to pay some fees. We agreed to a fair split. I am not in financial ruin. 

But it hit me. I jumped to a reaction of "we won't work" based on our vastly different communication styles; partially due to dealing with the death of my sister and I want verbal reassurance at times by talking and she doesnt like to reassure and talk. But she didn't put much fight up either. So maybe she was waiting for me to quit first as another poster said. I'm not sure it was that as much as she is "fine and loyal" as long as it is on her emotional or lack thereof terms. 

The news of the end of the agreement and the need to meet and sign papers has hit me that this is really done. You don't pay thousands to rent an apartment, break mortage, etc and not really plan to move forward. 

She said in a text that it is the "right thing to do" however she wants to see if we will be able to have better outcomes as separated people to see if we can even reconcile. But it was so cold. No emotion. I said I love you and I think we can work and she skirted all those words. It truly was like she was letting me down easily...

So I guess it really is day 1 of realizing for me to survive in this country, knowing no one outside of work.....I have to "act as if" I am legally separated (soon to be) and on my own. I have to act that the divorce is coming. NO CONTACT; even when weak. I have to. 

I HAVE to get back in shape as I was a very athletic and in shape guy. She was a smoker and I was always "off and on" and completely let myself go. Good news is it will only take about 8 weeks to get back in good fighting shape. 

I HAVE to get out and not just focus on the memories we had in windsor (which was everything we did). I HAVE to focus on what NEW memories I will create. 

I HAVE to do all of these things because I realize that in her texts, she is just letting me down slowly. Sure she is hurt and confused and also seeing a therapist. But it is to talk about "her concerns." I HAVE to continue to work with mine to focus on the fact that we didn't work and she also could have helped talk to me during my emotional times. 

This is going to be a very rough ride. But I am still confident that I can survive this and come out a better and stronger person. My FEAR is that I won't find someone that has the qualities I liked in her: loyal, good morals, faithful, strong values, smart, driven and really wanted kids. But I NEED a more emotionally connected woman. I am 32 and feel like I will not have the ability to have kids because I am gonna be "old news." Its harder because since I am now an "only child" I really want my parents to know there will be another generation possible since my sister has died. 

End rant/ramblings/emotional jargon.


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