# Should I be worried that my wife of 5 years is deleting messages on Face



## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

I originally posted this in Reddit and multiple people have advised me to also post this here. The original reddit post can be found at Should I [36 M] be worried that my wife[34 F] of 5 years is deleting messages on Facebook from one particular guy and no one else? : relationships

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My wife was involved in an emotional affair about 2 years ago. My suspicion radar was on the extreme at the time and I eventually caught her in the act of talking with the other guy on Facebook. We had a very rough period after that but have moved beyond it.
Recently however, I noticed there is a particular guy that she is deleting all messages from when she talks to him on Facebook and it's only this guy. I caught her doing this quite by accident the first time, but I since have been able to see her doing it time and again consistently. Here are the reasons I am questioning it though:


My radar isn't going off like it was the first time... I don't feel like there is any kind of cheating.. but this is suspicious. I think if she hadn't cheated in the past I seriously wouldn't give this anymore thought beyond thinking it was a little weird.
The bits of conversation I have caught seem harmless, not even overly flirty (at least for her part), but I have only caught very small glimpses.
I don't really know when she would be doing anything with this guy so there doesn't' seem to be vague explanations of time spent away like there was with the previous guy. 
She could be lying completely when she says she is going out with certain friends, but that would be very risky since I know all her friends fairly well. 
She doesn't sneak away and answer responses when they do come in or take the phone to bed with her to respond to messages like she did the other guy.
There was an incident involving this guy about 7 years ago, before we were married but living together, where she more or less disappeared for a night with no explanation and got me and her family crazy worried. She didn't come home from work that night like she usually does. I found her car sitting unmoved in the work parking lot almost 7 hours after she gets out of work and kind of freaked thinking something may have happened to her since it was so unlike her to just disappear without even a phone call. I contacted her mother to see if they had any idea where she was and they had not heard from her either and also got worried. So her family and I searched around trying to find her till we finally came home and found her lying in bed, kind of drunk. I still never got a full explanation of that night except that she went out for a few drinks with this guy. I didn't think she had cheating tendencies at the time so I was only mad at her for getting me worried and just told her that it was also not cool to go out with a guy like that and not give me a heads up... though I never thought she would do anything at the time, I thought a little courtesy heads up would have been nice.

As to how I see these conversations... I know the pass though she doesn't know that I do. I don't sit there and actively monitor the conversations and I feel wrong for doing this still, but my trust has not fully recovered from the incident a few years ago. I haven't logged in to monitor who she was talking to since the last incident until just recently when my suspicions were raised about deleting all correspondence from this guy.

tl;dr: My wife, who has been involved in an emotional affair in the past, is deleting Facebook messages from a particular guy and nobody else from what I can see.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You used to be able to retrieve deldted facebook messages. Try googleing that.

If that doesn't work, I would put a keylogger on the computer.

Go to the evidence gathering thread and check it out. I will bump it to the top.

Deleting all the messages means she is hiding something. The question is why.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> You used to be able to retrieve deldted facebook messages. Try googleing that.
> 
> If that doesn't work, I would put a keylogger on the computer.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I will look into it. Most of the communication is done through an ipad, phone, or work computer I don't have access to but I will see what other alternatives there are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

and you don't know this guy right? how does she know him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious... How much chatting with "opposite sex friends" goes on in your marriage, with both of you? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

If you have her password to her Facebook accounts you can request a transcript of all her Facebook activities which includes messages sent and received


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

xakulax said:


> If you have her password to her Facebook accounts you can request a transcript of all her Facebook activities which includes messages sent and received


Where does one request that and how far back can it go?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She had an emotional affair with this guy a few years ago.

She PROBABLY did something very inappropriate with him before you were married.

At this point she should have ZERO contact with this guy. ZERO. Her still IMing him is a disrepectul slap in your face. And they aren't innocent messages. There are NO innocent messages. Deleting said messages? Even more trouble. 

Don't feel guilty for monitoring her facebook. Monitor all that and more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> and you don't know this guy right? how does she know him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do know him and they were friends since before we started dating, but the contact has been pretty much limited to mutual social gatherings. She is also a dancer as is he so they may see each other at dancing events.



> I'm curious... How much chatting with "opposite sex friends" goes on in your marriage, with both of you?


Not really any on my end. I have friends who are girls on facebook but aside from a post comment here and there, there is really no communication.

She admittedly has a lot more friends than I do and a handful of male friends who I do trust. This guy is not one of them though.



> If you have her password to her Facebook accounts you can request a transcript of all her Facebook activities which includes messages sent and received


I looked into this and, apparently, if they delete the messages now they can't be retrieved. Only archived messages can be retrieved.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Where does one request that and how far back can it go?




I believe it goes as far back to the original account was open or created 


https://www.facebook.com/help/131112897028467/


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MehbeNaht said:


> There was an incident involving this guy about 7 years ago, before we were married but living together, where she:
> 
> 
> disappeared for a night with no explanation and got me and her family crazy worried
> ...





WTH?! :scratchhead: Am I the only one who sees these behaviors as a HUGE red flag?!?! I believe she got drunk and cheated on you then, and she's cheating with him again now.

Sorry, but that's my honest opinion.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Someone link Weightlifter's evidence gathering thread


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How do you know she is deleting the texts ?

Tell us a bit about her previous EA ? Who was this guy ? Why do you think it did not go physical ?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Sounds like an old scrooster has come home to roost.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Check out this thread... What kind of phone does she have? Some of the iPhone stuff is evolving due to security changes with Apple...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You can request a transcript on FB. You need access to the registered email address in order to get it.

Go to setting on FB, it's on the page that pops up *General Acct settings". It's at the bottom and it says download a copy of you Facebook data. 

It will send an email to the registered email address where you can click the link back to Facebook in order to download. It's a way to verify the user.

And it does go back to when the account was created.

Either way, deleting messages is a huge red flag.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Should you be worried?:scratchhead:

Well, let me put it this way:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REvmhBO99I4

*Your marriage is in danger.*


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

MehbeNaht said:


> I originally posted this in Reddit-----------------------------
> 
> My wife was involved in an emotional affair about 2 years ago. My suspicion radar was on the extreme at the time and I eventually caught her in the act of talking with the other guy on Facebook. We had a very rough period after that but have moved beyond it.
> Recently however, I noticed there is a particular guy that she is deleting all messages from when she talks to him on Facebook and it's only this guy. I caught her doing this quite by accident the first time, but I since have been able to see her doing it time and again consistently. Here are the reasons I am questioning it though:
> ...


Why do you feel wrong? She's already had one EA with another man, and I don't think that there's a shadow of a doubt that she went out and got drunk and screwed this new guy before you married. She doesn't deserve privacy. You NEED to know what's going on.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here's what it says in the link provided:



> Messages you’ve sent and received on Facebook. Note, if you've deleted a message it won't be included in your download as it has been deleted from your account.


So, to me, that means no transcripts if the messages have been deleted.

Now, it will log all activity and is very extensive. So, thanks, I didn't know about everything it provides.

Here's the direct link and what it logs is EXTENSIVE.
https://www.facebook.com/help/405183566203254

Boy, cheaters and even loyal spouses better be careful.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

As far as the question you've asked in your thread title, I suspect you already know the answer.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> [/LIST]
> 
> WTH?! :scratchhead: Am I the only one who sees these behaviors as a HUGE red flag?!?! I believe she got drunk and cheated on you then, and she's cheating with him again now.
> 
> Sorry, but that's my honest opinion.


No consequences the first time that's what you will get.
IMO you are enabling her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Does your wife access the internet via wifi at home or does she use a built in 3g/4g card in the ipad? If she uses your wifi you could intercept all the data back and forth.

You really have two choices here. One is to tell her you have a boundary of no contact with this guy. If she does not wish to follow that boundary, you will have to follow through with D. Is this contact currently a D level violation for you? The other option is to gather more intel on her. 

Have you reviewed the cell phone bill? If she is making phone calls to this guy (or other guys) you can see the numbers on the bill. If she is making calls, you could put a voice activated recorder under the seat in her car (well secured and well hidden). You'll know quickly if she is cheating.

If you can get access to her ipad and phone you could install spyware. If you go that way, do a lot of research so you can install it quickly are undetectably. 

The best indicator though is your gut.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

any cheater dumb enough to use Facebook as a primary source of communication with their affair partner is a [email protected] Facebook is as secure as a screen door on a submarine OP your wife is being suspicious it's time to say nothing and see everything


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Op there is one more thing you could try most people who use facebook chat and delete messages don't realize they're only deleting their side of the chat if the other person doesn't delete their side is still stays on record and when you send a message the entire chat is revealed going as far back to the first message my advice would be if you have her password and login is to send a message to this person and see what happens when this person responds you should see the entirety of the chat assuming the other person hasn't deleted their version.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> How do you know she is deleting the texts ?
> 
> Tell us a bit about her previous EA ? Who was this guy ? Why do you think it did not go physical ?


Because I see her messages to him when I check, and then I will log in to check again to see what conversations have progressed and the messages have been completely deleted.

The previous EA was a former co-worker of hers that had reached out to her. She had initially been somewhat of a supervisor to this person before they left the job. After a time, he had reached out to her and wanted to hang out and she asked me if I was cool with it, which I was at the time because her social circle had a god number of guys and it's never been an issue before. I also knew she felt bad because after having our first kid, her social life was in the dump and so I volunteered to watch the kids when her and this guy went out.

Long story short, all the signs of something wrong began happening after the second time hanging out with this guy. My radar went off, I started watching closely, and caught her in the act. I can go more in detail about how the whole thing unfolded if you'd like but it is quite a bit and, in the end, there was no denying and emotional affair as I caught them expressing feelings to each other on facebook using a keylogger and screen capture program.. it was on a one-way course to a physical affair if I did not step in. What I did catch had proven there had been a lot of feelings unspoken between them and I got to see thee great emotional outpouring.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

xakulax said:


> Op there is one more thing you could try most people who use facebook chat and delete messages don't realize they're only deleting their side of the chat if the other person doesn't delete their side is still stays on record and when you send a message the entire chat is revealed going as far back to the first message my advice would be if you have her password and login is to send a message to this person and see what happens when this person responds you should see the entirety of the chat assuming the other person hasn't deleted their version.


Thanks, but it looks like the other guy is deleting his then since every time I do catch glimpses of there conversation, I only see up until the last delete.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

The problem here is that she suffered little to no consequences when she cheated in the past, I think.

I'm a little confused about some of the things you said:

1. She was missing for one night, you found out she was gone out drinking with another man, and you didn't ask anything more and just went on to marry her without any explanation? Is that right?

2. You said you were home watching the kid while she went out with the other guy. Did you mean she was going out with the guy AND a Group of other people or just with him like on a date?

you didn't really give an answer to this question:

How do you know that 2 years ago the EA didn't go physical? OK, you found the evidence of the emotional part, but it sounds, from your posts, that they had plenty of opportunity to make it physical, how do you know it didn't happen?


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

italianjob said:


> The problem here is that she suffered little to no consequences when she cheated in the past, I think.
> 
> I'm a little confused about some of the things you said:
> 
> ...


1. I asked a lot about that night. She told me where she was, why she didn't answer the phone, and why the car was left in the lot, and finally how she got home. As to this guy, I didn't really ask a lot because I had no reasons to suspect her as a cheater at the time. In retrospect, I realize how dumb this was, but I was more mad that morning because I was expecting to find her lying dead somewhere and that's what my focus was on. I didn't see any signs of contact with him besides when we saw him at a few events like the party of a mutual friend. I also didn't think anything happened because, as arrogant as this sounds, this is an ugly, weird looking dude who we've even lightly made fun of together. I'm no Brad Pitt but I figured I had this guy beat looks and personality wise and couldn't for the life of me imagine she would risk it all for this guy. Of course when I caught her in the EA years later.. although the guy wasn't to the level of the one she disappeared with that night, but it did show me that I need to watch out for other guys all along the attractiveness spectrum as this one I never would have thought of as a threat either.

2. I meant she was going out with that guy alone. She has male friends I know well and trust her with and, as crazy as this sounds, couldn't see her as a cheater at the time. As far as why I think it wasn't physical, when I saw the conversation they were having, it read as a reveal about having feelings for each other. I can't find the transcript I copied at the moment but it seemed very obvious at the time that they didn't get sexually physical. I could be wrong on this, but all I can say is when I read the conversation.. I remember being upset but partially relieved that it didn't hit that point yet.

They were planning on meeting up again afterwards however and I am sure if I didn't step in, something would have happened that next rendezvous.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

MehbeNaht said:


> 1. I asked a lot about that night. She told me where she was, why she didn't answer the phone, and why the car was left in the lot, and finally how she got home. As to this guy, I didn't really ask a lot because I had no reasons to suspect her as a cheater at the time. In retrospect, I realize how dumb this was, but I was more mad that morning because I was expecting to find her lying dead somewhere and that's what my focus was on. I didn't see any signs of contact with him besides when we saw him at a few events like the party of a mutual friend. I also didn't think anything happened because, as arrogant as this sounds, this is an ugly, weird looking dude who we've even lightly made fun of together. I'm no Brad Pitt but I figured I had this guy beat looks and personality wise and couldn't for the life of me imagine she would risk it all for this guy. Of course when I caught her in the EA years later.. although the guy wasn't to the level of the one she disappeared with that night, but it did show me that I need to watch out for other guys all along the attractiveness spectrum as this one I never would have thought of as a threat either.
> 
> 2. I meant she was going out with that guy alone. She has male friends I know well and trust her with and, as crazy as this sounds, couldn't see her as a cheater at the time. As far as why I think it wasn't physical, when I saw the conversation they were having, it read as a reveal about having feelings for each other. I can't find the transcript I copied at the moment but it seemed very obvious at the time that they didn't get sexually physical. I could be wrong on this, but all I can say is when I read the conversation.. I remember being upset but partially relieved that it didn't hit that point yet.
> 
> They were planning on meeting up again afterwards however and I am sure if I didn't step in, something would have happened that next rendezvous.


Well, IDK, I think there's a difference between trusting someone and being naive. I would never let my wife go out alone with another man, and she would never let me go out alone with another woman. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think that's common practice.

I think it's also very naive to think that, just because someone is not attractive, nothing will happen. You'd be surprised by how many people cheat with someone that is nowhere near as attractive as their spouse.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

MehbeNaht said:


> *I volunteered to watch the kids when her and this guy went out.*



:slap:

OK. So now you've caught them expressing feelings for each other, this is now the second guy. When does it become a deal breaker that your woman is constantly running after other dudes?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Clearly you have trust issues (and I don't blame you one iota) because you put a keylogger on her computer a few years ago.

Are the kids yours and hers?

It would take some serious changes by your wife to trust her again. She is up to her old ways- and this is what the third time around now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

An extreme employ of codependency and nice guy syndrome is at work here. He knows what's happening but is using redundancy to counter the balance in her favor due to his feelings, however misplaced they are. 

Your gut is telling you everything you need to know. When anything is discarded of merit it is for a reason. And you know what the reason is. Now accept it, which is the hardest step yet the first one. She is not what you think she is. Your tolerance to her behavior is not going to stop her, trying to nice her out of it will not work either and you need to accept and understand this now vs saying more redundant statements and/or questions by the time you reach post #250.

Do you trust her? Obviously not and this is not a fault of yours but of her actions. Her telling you she did nothing with a guy all them years ago is a load of crap and you know it but have dismissed it due to being the weaker one in the relationship. Accept it. She is doing it now since she knows you reaction will be timid, if anything. Accept it. And I have a hard time believing you watched the children while she went out with another guy. 

Say that again, out loud, or not, to yourself; "I was the baby sitter for my wife and her date". Not only were you rejected but the children were dismissed as well. The time is now. 

First, you are going to be lied to, gas lit, blamed for being controlling, unnecessarily jealous, Paranoid, untrusting......... And lots of other ones. Each one will cause you to react with an attempt to explain and justify your feelings. Do not do this as your feelings at this point are already secondary, at best, to her needs. You will be wasting your time otherwise. 

He or be prepared to hear they are not just a friend. They are predators to your marriage. People may argue or disagree but after a certain age opposite sex friends are dangerous to every relationship, even the ones from her pre-marital life.


If you haven't read Weightlifters Evidence gathering thread and read it all the way (Read the directions first) as you will more than likely make an error by only reading some of the info but not the actions for each item.

Quietly prepare to separate your finances and keep a journal of what has happened and what is happening now. It will prove to be invaluable in the future. 

You'll hear this time and again and although it seems counterproductive you might as well start coming to terms now. As a last resort to combat this behavior you should research about getting and filing for a Divorce. I know this is not what you want to hear but everyday that goes by is a loss for you as you run the risk of her starting the process of Divorce first with you playing catch up en masse.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MehbeNaht said:


> I also knew she felt bad because after having our first kid, her social life was in the dump and so I volunteered to watch the kids when her and this guy went out.


Why do you let guys date your wife?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

MehbeNaht said:


> I looked into this and, apparently, if they delete the messages now they can't be retrieved. Only archived messages can be retrieved.



it is worth noting though that many people think they are deleting messages when in truth they are only archiving them (you can only delete after you archive, two step process)

If you do have her password, go onto her FB with a computer
click the messages link on the upper left and then pull the arrow down from the "more" tab, choose "archived"


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

MehBeNaht, you seem pretty sure this is all emotional affair stuff and not physical. I'll be very surprised if she hasn't physically cheated on you.

Did you know that when you let your wife go on dates with other guys she loses respect and attraction for you? Maybe not consciously, but she feels it. It's how she's wired. 

Husbands are supposed to protect. You've failed at that. Now you're paying the price.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MehbeNaht said:


> which I was at the time because her social circle had a god number of guys and it's never been an issue before. I also knew she felt bad because after having our first kid, her social life was in the dump and so I volunteered to watch the kids when her and this guy went out..


Yeah, we've been taught it is controlling to limit these types of contact. I told my wife, after her EA, "if you want to be single, go be single." It's called a date, no matter how many people are there. If you call someone to go out, even friends, it is still a date. You know, dinner date, lunch date, etc. My wife tried it and I said nope, "I don't see women with out you and you will not see men without me." Also, if I feel uncomfortable about a friend of the same sex I'll bring it up. Yes, same goes for me. I had a male cousin she didn't like so, for years we didn't hang out.

Honestly, I no longer care what people think. If they tell her I am too controlling cool, if she buys into their BS, she can leave. It'll hurt, but I'm married and I am not playing second to anyone, but my kids. Even then, it is more 1a vs 1b.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

There's a lot of talk about placing boundaries on our WS, but you know we can't force them to conform to what we want them to be. 

You can't control your WW. You can't make her keep boundaries. You can't make your WW be transparent in all her communication. You can't keep her from developing inappropriate relationships with other men. You can't keep your WW from having another affair if that's what she wants to do.

The only person you can control on this earth is YOU. You can have boundaries of what you will and will not accept from your WW. For myself, my WW deleting messages to another man on Facebook would cross one my boundaries. 

When boundaries are crossed there needs to be consequences. Those consequences could range from a strong argument to divorce - again this depends on what boundary was crossed and the circumstances.

To the OP. I think you need to think carefully about what you will and will not accept from your WW. If you want to accept everything your WW does including another affair, then acknowledge it. If you have limits on what you will accept from her, then think about exactly what they are, and the consequences should those limits be crossed.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

italianjob said:


> I think it's also very naive to think that, just because someone is not attractive, nothing will happen. You'd be surprised by how many people cheat with someone that is nowhere near as attractive as their spouse.


attractiveness does not mean that much to many people. A kinky sexy attitude is all they need to attract sexual advances. Google "BBW" if you do not believe me, basically very large women being pestered with PM's from guys that adore their corpulant awsomeness!

good luck dude.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

OP thought he was being a cool husband. Letting his wife go out with her friends, female or male. Yes in hindsight, they were dates. She never said "Sweetie, I'm going out with Bob on a date don't wait up!" But unfortunately it's never phrased that way.

It's a lesson learned. 

One-on-one opposite sex friends are trouble. Heck even if 9 times out of 10 it's innocent, the 10% risk isn't a chance worth taking when it comes to protecting your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> it is worth noting though that many people think they are deleting messages when in truth they are only archiving them (you can only delete after you archive, two step process)
> 
> If you do have her password, go onto her FB with a computer
> click the messages link on the upper left and then pull the arrow down from the "more" tab, choose "archived"


I don't believe this is accurate, I have been deleting some strategic information in case the wife gets into my facebook and they do not ask to got to the archive file nor are they there when I made sure they were gone 

But I'll double check when I get home.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you hit the "x" to erase the conversation it goes into the archive, from the archive you need to delete the messages

at least that's how it's worked for me for the last year or two


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> OP thought he was being a cool husband. Letting his wife go out with her friends, female or male. Yes in hindsight, they were dates. She never said "Sweetie, I'm going out with Bob on a date don't wait up!" But unfortunately it's never phrased that way.
> 
> It's a lesson learned.
> 
> ...


And I'll add that even if it's all innocent, you run the risk that they eventually bond, leading to not-so-innocent, and inappropriateness, unfaithfulness and full-blown cheating....


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> if you hit the "x" to erase the conversation it goes into the archive, from the archive you need to delete the messages
> 
> at least that's how it's worked for me for the last year or two


They seem to constanlty change/evolve the messaging. I'm mostly on my phone for facebook very rarely use an actual computer. When you swipe a message on FB messenger you get three options/ More Mute and Delete. Delete gets rid of it "permanently". More includes Mark as Spam or Archive. Archive hides the message, but will reload if/when the conversation is re-engaged.

On my computer, it's similar but more cumbersome to load each convo, then mark delete or archive.

Until they change it up again next time around.

I put "permanently" in quotes as I am unsure if there are available services that can retrieve the deleted messages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Another trick. If you have your wife's facebook login. 

Go the the suspect in question's page.

Click on Message.

Any archived messages then load into the chat window.

Caution - do not actually send him a message as it raises red flags to WW and OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> Why do you let guys date your wife?


Right??

Seriously, find some fawkin boundaries.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> if you hit the "x" to erase the conversation it goes into the archive, from the archive you need to delete the messages
> 
> at least that's how it's worked for me for the last year or two


You can do this by going directly to the actions tab in the upper middle of the Facebook page window and select delete conversation. And they do not go to the archive.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

MehbeNaht:

Your wife is definitely doing something nefarious. People only delete things when trying to hide something. She is definitely up to no good. Here is what I suggest

- If you have her facebook password, login and then click on her name at the top blue bar. Then click on "View Activity log" right under her profile pic. This will give you a detailed list of everything she has done on facebook since joining. Print this out to a PDF and email it to yourself. Logout of her account
- If you don't have her password, then goto the Standard Evidence Post by weightlifter. Basically you will need to setup keylogger or other mechanism to get her password.
- Before confronting, gather more evidence. Who is this OM? Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? If you want this nonsense to stop the best way is by contacting OMW (or OM girlfriend).

You need to set some clear boundaries for your wife's disrespectful behavior. I suspect that she has already had a physical affair in the past, but just that you have minimized it to an EA in your own mind. This is a natural defense mechanism, but women do not go out overnight with another man simply for emotional reasons.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

italianjob said:


> Well, IDK, I think there's a difference between trusting someone and being naive. I would never let my wife go out alone with another man, and she would never let me go out alone with another woman. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think that's common practice.
> 
> I think it's also very naive to think that, just because someone is not attractive, nothing will happen. You'd be surprised by how many people cheat with someone that is nowhere near as attractive as their spouse.


Yah, I'm not denying my portion of the fault for the first EA and how my naivety played a part. I enabled it in a lot of ways, this is why my guard is up now with this guy.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> :slap:
> 
> OK. So now you've caught them expressing feelings for each other, this is now the second guy. When does it become a deal breaker that your woman is constantly running after other dudes?


To clarify, I never caught the second guy expressing feelings with her. In fact, the conversations I have caught have been very neutral, as in I would think nothing of it if they weren't getting deleted. Again, I am only catching glimpses of conversation but what I do catch does not point to anything going on.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Clearly you have trust issues (and I don't blame you one iota) because you put a keylogger on her computer a few years ago.
> 
> Are the kids yours and hers?
> 
> ...


No this is the second time if something is still going on. 

The first time I suspected the EA, there were some serious behavioral changes all around that gave me the red flag and led to my lack of trust. Turns out they were true.

My "radar" for lack of a better term is not firing like it did with teh first guy. I was more in teh "trust but verify" stage that led me to finding this odd behavior.

I honestly think one of the previous posters hit it on the head with saying something probably went on between these 2 a while ago, maybe before me and maybe after but before marriage. For some reason 'currently cheating' is resonating in my gut, but "cheated with at one time' does. Either way, if that is what happened it would be a deal breaker as the healing from the last EA was her chance to come clean about other things I should know. Also, the fact that she is still in contact with this guy, even if there is nothing going on anymore, is extremely inappropriate. To be honest, as I am typing this my radar is now firing off like crazy and I think that may be what is going on.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

Also, to answer your question, yes the kids are ours. One is 3 and the other is 6 months old.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

MehbeNaht said:


> No this is the second time if something is still going on.
> 
> The first time I suspected the EA, there were some serious behavioral changes all around that gave me the red flag and led to my lack of trust. Turns out they were true.
> 
> ...





PhillyGuy13 said:


> OP thought he was being a cool husband. Letting his wife go out with her friends, female or male. Yes in hindsight, they were dates. She never said "Sweetie, I'm going out with Bob on a date don't wait up!" But unfortunately it's never phrased that way.
> 
> It's a lesson learned.
> 
> ...


Thank you for seeing this. Yes, in hindsight I know it was a mistake and a lot of people are quick to point out what a nice-guy idiot I was. But actually, my being ok with it came from a place of misplaced confidence mixed with trust in her personality "How could someone so sweet and loving to me in all other things do this".. in fact this is still hard to reconcile in my mind but it's true.

I am also someone who had a very hard time not being jealous when I was younger. I made a very active effort to not do so because it was at the other extreme ( I used to get all bent if a girlfriend said hi to a guy I didn't know). I realized that this was to good either but went to far the other direction in trusting too much. Yes it was a mistake and I know that now.. I also never would have let her go out alone with this guy 7 years ago had I known then what I know now. I was an idiot and I know this.

I set my boundaries, we had our fights, I almost left, insisted on counseling to stay, and eventually learned to trust again but never to the level I did before. My lack of trust is why I am catching this now so, yes everyone, I screwed up seven years ago. I screwed up in enabling the EA. I am trying to not screw-up again by giving undue benefit of the doubt in this scenario, which is why I posted and investigating her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Folks seem.to be getting confused about the other guys. How does she know the current guy you are concerned about? How long has she known him? Do you know him? Is he married?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Call me a Dinosaur but friends of the opposite sex is a No go in my book. Always leads to heartbreak and issues.

Secondly there is something most definately going on. The fact that there are deleted messages proves it is something you would not approve of.

It doesn't matter whether the guy is troll like ugly, women base their feelings on connection and attention, and if the ugly troll is feeding her all the right words and attention there will come a time when she will let him in.

You must stamp out this behavour quick smart, swiftly and decisive.

I recently myself had an issue where i was away on business and came home to find a father from my kids play group over on a play date. I had warned my wife before hand he is not to come over whilst im away. 

Luckily for me my parents were at my house that day before he got there.

Point is i confronted him the next day and flat out told him i am old school and the wife is not allowed male friends. I handed him my number and told him any future play dates with kids will be organised with me. Havent heard from him since.

You must take a similiar stance. VAR her car, and install Webwatcher on her IPAD.

Stay Silent, Play Dumb Husband, and gather the evidence.

Rest assured your wife has learned lessons from being causght out last time. If something is going on she is better equipped to hide it from you. So all the previous signs you used to look out for would not be present.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

There was the drunken disappearing act before you guys we're married - wasn't she with a guy that night?

There was the suspected EA a few years ago.

There is the current situation going on.

So that's three right?

Or am I confused about the AWOL night from pre-marriage?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

FYI on the downloading FaceBook activity log. FB sends a verification email, so you need to have access to her email in order to intercept and delete it.

Also, some emails may not delete from all other devices. That is, if you delete it on the computer it might still show up on her iPad or cell phone in the inbox. Ideally you would have access to all her devices to make sure the verification email is fully deleted.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DNA test the 2 kids to show what you think of her word to show her you have had enough.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

The current facebook friend is the same guy from her disappearance when they were living together, but not married.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

This story sounds familiar. 

Possible affair before marriage. 
She had an EA after being married. 
She reconnected recently with the possible affair guy. 
Is currently hiding contact with PAG. 

Hmmm.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MehbeNaht said:


> Because I see her messages to him when I check, and then I will log in to check again to see what conversations have progressed and the messages have been completely deleted.
> 
> The previous EA was a former co-worker of hers that had reached out to her. She had initially been somewhat of a supervisor to this person before they left the job. After a time, he had reached out to her and wanted to hang out and she asked me if I was cool with it, which I was at the time because her social circle had a god number of guys and it's never been an issue before. I also knew she felt bad because after having our first kid, her social life was in the dump and so I volunteered to watch the kids when her and this guy went out.
> 
> Long story short, all the signs of something wrong began happening after the second time hanging out with this guy. My radar went off, I started watching closely, and caught her in the act. I can go more in detail about how the whole thing unfolded if you'd like but it is quite a bit and, in the end, there was no denying and emotional affair as I caught them expressing feelings to each other on facebook using a keylogger and screen capture program.. it was on a one-way course to a physical affair if I did not step in. What I did catch had proven there had been a lot of feelings unspoken between them and I got to see thee great emotional outpouring.


WTF ???? You watched the kids while she went out with this guy to 'hang out' ? You have way too much faith in other guys as friends of your wife. You set yourself up for disaster. No wonder why you are in the position you are in. I wonder how many others there are ??


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> Call me a Dinosaur but friends of the opposite sex is a No go in my book. Always leads to heartbreak and issues.
> 
> Secondly there is something most definately going on. The fact that there are deleted messages proves it is something you would not approve of.
> 
> ...


sorry to hear this. Was your wife corrected for inviting him over ??


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MehbeNaht said:


> so I volunteered to watch the kids when her and this guy went out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


>


Come on easy now he has admitted he screwed up.
Still had to laugh though.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> sorry to hear this. Was your wife corrected for inviting him over ??


Yes most definately was corrected Before i left for business i caught the conversation about a possible play date and had spoken to her that he is not to come around whilst i am away.

To my surprise he was there the day i got home. Needless to say she is now very embarrased since i confronted him.

She was warned about it chose not too listen so i had to act.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MehbeNaht said:


> I realized that this was to good either but went to far the other direction in trusting too much. Yes it was a mistake and I know that now.. I also never would have let her go out alone with this guy 7 years ago had I known then what I know now. I was an idiot and I know this.


Fair enough. There's nothing to be gained from flogging you over and over for incidents in the past. We have the benefit of hindsight. 

Chances are high she cheated with this guy seven years ago. At a bare minimum she was unfaithful, but treat it as she physically cheated (almost a certainty I'm afraid).

Something is going on. Deleting the the messages is proof of that. We see it here a lot. The cheater/unfaithful spouse will then say if confronted "I didn't want you to get the wrong idea" or words to that effect. It's "cheater logic" and makes no sense. 

To have him back on the scene and your wife messaging him and deleting messages means she's being unfaithful again. Don't monitor too long, relationships with old flames can flare up again super fast. What's your next move MehbeNaht?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> Fair enough. There's nothing to be gained from flogging you over and over for incidents in the past. We have the benefit of hindsight.
> 
> Chances are high she cheated with this guy seven years ago. At a bare minimum she was unfaithful, but treat it as she physically cheated (almost a certainty I'm afraid).
> 
> ...


DNA the kids for some piece of mind.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

tom67 said:


> DNA the kids for some piece of mind.


It may sound extreme and from your point of view unnecessary, OP, but it sends a very clear message that trust is broken in the relationship.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> It may sound extreme and from your point of view unnecessary, OP, but it sends a very clear message that trust is broken in the relationship.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
That is what I meant.
It sends a strong message.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior

Your wife spent a drunken night with this present guy, and even tho it was prior to the 2 of you being married----YOUR WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Your wife DID have an EA, that might have become physical had you not stepped in

Now your wife is deleting messages from guy #1---Your wife knows what she is doing is wrong---otherwise WHY IS SHE HIDING (deleting) messages from this guy

I didn't read in your thread anywhere as to the consequences you laid on your wife for her EA---or was that basically slid under the rug

You need to stop allowing your wife to talk to other men----IT IS NOT IN THE MARRIED WOMAN SCRIPT----the men she should be allowed to communicate with should be married men WHO ARE FRIENDS OF YOUR MGE------THERE IS NO SINGLE MALE WHO IS A FRIEND OF YOUR MGE.

Time to confront her on why she is deleting messages from this guy, and lay out a boundary the makes sure SHE HAS NO MORE CONNECTION WITH SINGLE MEN

One other thing, because she is hiding something with this guy---it actually opens the way for you to demand a POLY in re: her activities with this guy, which also should include what went on during that night she spent with him years ago

Do not let her bluff you------make your demands, and tell her if they are not met----D IS ON THE TABLE!!!!!!!!!


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

MehbeNaht said:


> Thank you for seeing this. Yes, in hindsight I know it was a mistake and a lot of people are quick to point out what a nice-guy idiot I was. But actually, my being ok with it came from a place of misplaced confidence mixed with trust in her personality "How could someone so sweet and loving to me in all other things do this".. in fact this is still hard to reconcile in my mind but it's true.
> 
> I am also someone who had a very hard time not being jealous when I was younger. I made a very active effort to not do so because it was at the other extreme ( I used to get all bent if a girlfriend said hi to a guy I didn't know). I realized that this was to good either but went to far the other direction in trusting too much. Yes it was a mistake and I know that now.. I also never would have let her go out alone with this guy 7 years ago had I known then what I know now. I was an idiot and I know this.
> 
> I set my boundaries, we had our fights, I almost left, insisted on counseling to stay, and eventually learned to trust again but never to the level I did before. My lack of trust is why I am catching this now so, yes everyone, I screwed up seven years ago. I screwed up in enabling the EA. I am trying to not screw-up again by giving undue benefit of the doubt in this scenario, which is why I posted and investigating her.


Hey, I get you, it's hard not to be a nice guy idiot sometimes, you want to trust your spouse to do what's right and to do something that makes them happy. It happens. Sometimes it doesn't work out very well. Emotional affairs blow. Honestly I think you should have red flags up, regardless of whether there's a history with an emotional affair or not. deleting messages from one person is weird. Especially if they know each other which these two seem to do. I have a weird acquaintance on FB that posts improper things or stuff I don't like on my page so I delete it (because who wants a bunch of weird stuff posted by friends friend on their page?), but not the weird messages, deleting messages is shady. (He asks for nudes and is completely pervy. I say no and tell him to eff off every time and i leave that up there for my husband to see because there's no reason not to theres nothing to hide and i tell him when it happens.) Especially if it's only for the one person, I mean thats huge. If it was done for everyone then yeah ok whatever she has ocd or something, but one guy, that means there is something to hide and something she doesn't want seen. Monitor the crap out of the situation and do the techy stuff if you can.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Want2StayMarried said:


> Hey, I get you, it's hard not to be a nice guy idiot sometimes, you want to trust your spouse to do what's right and to do something that makes them happy. It happens. Sometimes it doesn't work out very well. Emotional affairs blow. Honestly I think you should have red flags up, regardless of whether there's a history with an emotional affair or not. deleting messages from one person is weird. Especially if they know each other which these two seem to do. I have a weird acquaintance on FB that posts improper things or stuff I don't like on my page so I delete it (because who wants a bunch of weird stuff posted by friends friend on their page?), but not the weird messages, deleting messages is shady. (He asks for nudes and is completely pervy. I say no and tell him to eff off every time and i leave that up there for my husband to see because there's no reason not to theres nothing to hide and i tell him when it happens.) Especially if it's only for the one person, I mean thats huge. If it was done for everyone then yeah ok whatever she has ocd or something, but one guy, that means there is something to hide and something she doesn't want seen. Monitor the crap out of the situation and do the techy stuff if you can.


This guy has done that more than once? What has your husband done? Did you defriend him?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Want2StayMarried said:


> Hey, I get you, it's hard not to be a nice guy idiot sometimes, you want to trust your spouse to do what's right and to do something that makes them happy. It happens. Sometimes it doesn't work out very well. Emotional affairs blow. Honestly I think you should have red flags up, regardless of whether there's a history with an emotional affair or not. deleting messages from one person is weird. Especially if they know each other which these two seem to do. I have a weird acquaintance on FB that posts improper things or stuff I don't like on my page so I delete it (because who wants a bunch of weird stuff posted by friends friend on their page?), but not the weird messages, deleting messages is shady. (He asks for nudes and is completely pervy. I say no and tell him to eff off every time and i leave that up there for my husband to see because there's no reason not to theres nothing to hide and i tell him when it happens.) Especially if it's only for the one person, I mean thats huge. If it was done for everyone then yeah ok whatever she has ocd or something, but one guy, that means there is something to hide and something she doesn't want seen. Monitor the crap out of the situation and do the techy stuff if you can.


Doesn't sound like a friend worth keeping, facebook or otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Folks seem.to be getting confused about the other guys. How does she know the current guy you are concerned about? How long has she known him? Do you know him? Is he married?


She used to be big into competitive and recreational dancing and actually knew him through a crew of people who used to go out Salsa dancing weekly. This was at least a year or two before I came along and started dating her. I did meet him quite a few times through this same crew that has stayed in touch over the years and will once in a while have a get together. He's not married and, as far as I know, single as I've never seen him with anybody.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> Call me a Dinosaur but friends of the opposite sex is a No go in my book. Always leads to heartbreak and issues.
> 
> Secondly there is something most definately going on. The fact that there are deleted messages proves it is something you would not approve of.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I am already looking into getting the VARs and spy programs on her phone and iPad


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Just me, but dancing with other men is a potential red flag. Body contact, common goal if she is doing this as a competition, potential of a lot of time away from you, etc. Very similar to OSFs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just curious, have you guys read HNHN and/or filled out the LB/EN questionnaires?


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

azteca1986 said:


> Fair enough. There's nothing to be gained from flogging you over and over for incidents in the past. We have the benefit of hindsight.
> 
> Chances are high she cheated with this guy seven years ago. At a bare minimum she was unfaithful, but treat it as she physically cheated (almost a certainty I'm afraid).
> 
> ...


Well, this is where I want to get advice. Here si my though process and pick it apart as you will:

I actually feel like I want to see how far this goes. I say this because, if cheating is an intention again and she really didn't learn anything from the first time, I want her to do it and get it over with so I can drop her and feel great about my decision to do so even if not about teh circumstances that caused it. Yes, the messaging is a boundary crossing but not one that I would necessarily divorced her for.. but if I attack her with what I've seen now, chances are she is still going to cheat but becomes even more subtle and harder to catch. If I play stupid, not enabling but not leading on I know either, and she doe something inappropriate.. I can gather everything I need to make the case.. both legally and personally.

Maybe that is a twisted stance I have so please pick it apart if you feel I am approaching it wrong.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Just curious, have you guys read HNHN and/or filled out the LB/EN questionnaires?


Sorry, I'm really new to the terminology and acronyms. Can you explain what HNHN and the LB/EN questionnaires are?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I would find out if infidelity matters in your location wrt D. Most of the time it does not. If it does, you probably want your lawyer to explain what evidence you need. The result of all that I wrote, is a legal consultation, so you know where you stand.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

HNHN is his needs, her needs - a book

LB - is love busters, EN is emotional needs, another site dedicated to marriages.... (I think)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley | 9780800719388 | Hardcover | Barnes & Noble
Love Busters Questionnaire
Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Do NOT use that website's forum; the people there are toxic. 

But the material in HNHN is VERY valid and relevant for all marriages. Yes, find out if she's cheating. But also take a good hard look at your marriage, by reading this book and hopefully by both of you filling out these questionnaires. Once you know how you LB your spouse (make her unhappy), you can stop doing those things that make her unhappy. Once you know her top 5 ENs, you can make sure you're the one meeting those needs, so she doesn't feel a need to go look elsewhere to have them met.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Unless you were a truly terrible husband, all the way around, do not latch onto these books as a perfect reason as to problems in your marriage. You may have some faults, but men seem to go overboard after they read self help books with no guidance. Also, which I see happen a ton, don't over blame yourself.

Read them, by all means, they are extremely helpful, then ask questions here and with your friends. They have answers, but not all of them.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Most men should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" because we all have been there at varying levels.
Take whatever applies to you in the book.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

MMSLP was much more useful to me than NMNNG. Read several and try to see which makes the most sense to you..... And don't go overboard blaming yourself for your W's infidelity.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

It's hard to find a balance of whose to blame. If you don't blame yourself at all you're left feeling hopeless and sure it will happen again. If you take too much of the blame you're left depressed and suicidal knowing that it was 'you' that destroyed your family.

This kind of thing is a big struggle for me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> MMSLP was much more useful to me than NMNNG. Read several and try to see which makes the most sense to you..... And don't go overboard blaming yourself for your W's infidelity.


I forgot to add that.:iagree:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MehbeNaht said:


> Well, this is where I want to get advice. Here si my though process and pick it apart as you will:
> 
> I actually feel like I want to see how far this goes. I say this because, if cheating is an intention again and she really didn't learn anything from the first time, I want her to do it and get it over with so I can drop her and feel great about my decision to do so even if not about teh circumstances that caused it. Yes, the messaging is a boundary crossing but not one that I would necessarily divorced her for.. but if I attack her with what I've seen now, chances are she is still going to cheat but becomes even more subtle and harder to catch. If I play stupid, not enabling but not leading on I know either, and she doe something inappropriate.. I can gather everything I need to make the case.. both legally and personally.
> 
> Maybe that is a twisted stance I have so please pick it apart if you feel I am approaching it wrong.


All things considered, I like this idea. Give ger rope and see if she hangs herself with it.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Unless you were a truly terrible husband, all the way around, do not latch onto these books as a perfect reason as to problems in your marriage. You may have some faults, but men seem to go overboard after they read self help books with no guidance. Also, which I see happen a ton, don't over blame yourself.
> 
> Read them, by all means, they are extremely helpful, then ask questions here and with your friends. They have answers, but not all of them.


I do use those (NMMNG, MMSP) as guides, but not bibles. Was I a terrible Husband? Well, i wasn't great. In fact, i'm kinda beating myself up as I browse though the memories of all things i have done wrong. But i find the books helpful in identifying those mistakes, and use them to focus on what I can, and will do, better going forward. Even if it's not with her.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

All seems highly suspicious to me the deletions as most people who have been cheated on see this as a huge red flag, if my wife starts the deletions again then regardless of the crippling seperation costs she will be gone i will tell her to pack her bags and go to him, maybe cut to the chase and tell her you're not playing this game go to him and be done with it see what the ultimation brings


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

This is what I would do if in your sitch. Find a time when your W can not access FB. This could be right after she's fallen asleep. You log into her FB and start messaging the "OM" pretending to be her. Don't make it obvious. Start with something like....."husband is away for the night, want to chat?" From there move to.....oh I don't know......"do you still think about that night long ago?" 
If you play this right....you could get the answers you seek. 
Oh and silence her phone if possible when doing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MehbeNaht, these are my thoughts on your situation. I read the first page of NMMNG and couldn't relate. I'm not a Nice Guy. MMSLP was more useful to me. Some people take the whole Alpha/Beta dynamic too seriously. My take out from the book was about *Leadership*. Being active and dynamic is attractive. It's gets our spouse's attention.



MehbeNaht said:


> *Yes, the messaging is a boundary crossing but not one that I would necessarily divorced her for*.. but if I attack her with what I've seen now, chances are she is still going to cheat but becomes even more subtle and harder to catch. If I play stupid, not enabling but not leading on I know either, and she doe something inappropriate.. I can gather everything I need to make the case.. both legally and personally.


If you do nothing this will play out exactly as it always does. We've seen this movie before. Ex-boyfriends sniffing around your spouse are always bad news. If you give her the rope she will hang herself.

But... you have a young family to consider and the impact divorce will have on them. I'm a father myself, divorce is not good news for children. Their interests are best served in a stable, happy home. Currently of course your wife is destabilising your family and putting their long-term future in jeopardy. 

I think you have to show leadership for your family. Be active, not passive.

*Stage 1
*Prepare for divorce. Meet a lawyer and have them prepare a divorce petition. As you say this is a disproportionate reaction to her deleting texts. Which is a good thing. There is nothing like the reality of divorce to say to your wife: Stop flirting with your boyfriend for a second and *pay attention to me.* The attitude you have is if you're going to remain married it's going to be on your terms - one of which is neither of you can have boyfriends/girlfriends.

So, put a divorce in front of her and _then_ start talking.

*Stage 2
*"Marriage requires three things: Love, Respect and Honesty. When you delete those texts to your boyfriend you show you don't love me enough not to, show no respect for me or our marriage and you prove again that you are dishonest."

"I don't want to remain in a marriage with someone who cannot attain a basic level of commitment."

"Are you IN or OUT?" If she's IN then she has to hand over her phone/iPad immediately and start with telling you the truth. You can probably recover the deleted messages later.

*Stage 3*
Discuss the mutually agreed boundaries that you will both abide by. This is sometimes forgotten. Everything you demand of her you agree to adhere to yourself. There is not one set of rules for her and another set for you. This will include - transparency, no more secrets, third-parties, etc.

This is how _I_ would tackle your problem. My go-to strategy is direct confrontation, escalate the situation and force the other party to make decisions. Standing passively by while my wife flirts with and inevitably fvcks her boyfriend, only to divorce her anyway would damage my psyche. I couldn't do it.

Do whatever is right for you. That's the main thing. Be active.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

azteca1986 said:


> If you do nothing this will play out exactly as it always does. We've seen this movie before. Ex-boyfriends sniffing around your spouse are always bad news. If you give her the rope she will hang herself.


:iagree:

The entire post is right on, but that quote is important. Given her history, chances are she will go down the well established path which we've seen a million times with other people. If she had a history of strong boundaries and rebuffing advances from other men and previous lovers, it would be different.

Past behavior informs us of the most likely future behavior.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> This is what I would do if in your sitch. Find a time when your W can not access FB. This could be right after she's fallen asleep. You log into her FB and start messaging the "OM" pretending to be her. Don't make it obvious. Start with something like....."husband is away for the night, want to chat?" From there move to.....oh I don't know......"do you still think about that night long ago?"
> If you play this right....you could get the answers you seek.
> Oh and silence her phone if possible when doing this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've actually been thinking about doing this later on in the evidence gathering phase. Thanks, I will work on setting this one up.


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## MehbeNaht (Oct 15, 2014)

azteca1986, Thanks for the advice. It's a lot to process and I have to mentally prep myself, but you are right in this is the course I need to take.

I need to get over the "If I wouldn't do it to her, she shouldn't do it to me" mentality in giving her the rope to hang herself. The selfish part of me wants to let her screw up again so I can feel better about the rope I gave her, but you hit home in mentioning it is about my family as well... It's tough to see all angles at a point like this.

Thanks for the reality slap.


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