# Reaching out



## RJH (Nov 21, 2013)

Hi All,

After like a year of being on this site, my first post. I just hope to reach out and find others that can relate to me in my marital situation.

Will be married seven years this October, and it has not been easy from the very beginning. Brief summary follows..... We had conflict over a number of issues from early on. Me - I am a talker, a communicator and a resolver but have a volatile personality. I display my emotions and not afraid to have it out, resolve and make up. My wife - she is an Ostrich. Buries her head in the sand to issues. Thinks issues will resolve themselves, avoids conflict resolution and confrontation at any cost. Does not communicate unless pushed by me (and boy can I push well). I saw cracks in our marriage from early and it took THREE YEARS for her to agree to go for counselling with me. In retrospect she said she resisted because she felt like it was making it out to be her fault (I of course did not know this and I wish I'd known she felt this way sooner).

Finally we went for counselling and after a month or two our relationship started to improve then we relocated to a new city and fell back into old ways. Me going at her for being passive, me getting frustrated and angry for being "shut out" - her going deeper and deeper into a hole and refusing to communicate or resolve issues (like taking responsibility, like the importance of communication, household chores - a whole range of stuff). We nearly got divorced this January after a Christmas break from HELL. We discussed how we would do it, timelines for moving out, dividing assets etc but I decided to listen to her and give it one more shot and so she initiated counselling this time around, and you know what, it got better again - for a while (from Feb to April was actually a time when my hope and energy started coming back). April was a month from hell again but it started to improve again now. 

We have these cycles of ups and downs and have now been in counselling on a weekly basis since Feb. We really hurt each other with our "stuff". At least a few times a month I am emotionally exhausted and at my wits end, not understanding her "stuff", why she freezes, doesn't communicate and RESOLVE stuff with me. I am begging for the interaction. I get angry but there has never been physical harm or contact, only frustration and then she just digs her heels in and will not budge.

People, I am tired - beyond tired. Please tell me some good news. Because although our sex life is non-existent I am not always unhappy. I am in fact happy often in our relationship and so is she. We don't want to split up, but is this inevitable with what I have described to you above?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your personalities aren't a great match, and you need to learn or develop better strategies to communicate that can work for both of you. You sound very aggressive in pushing your agenda and communication, and she is very passive and defensive as a result. Somehow, she has to feel safe to discuss things before they fall into the passive/aggressive pit you've dug for yourselves.

Perhaps this should be a specific topic and goal for your MC sessions?


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## RJH (Nov 21, 2013)

Yes actually you are very perceptive. This has been a blind spot for years and is one of the goals of MC we are going to. I have not seen that my style can be intimidating and I am learning to soften my approach and moderate my tone of voice.

I have not been in habit of carefully considering what I say when I've been frustrated and this is where the work is currently happening.

I am hoping that the connection gets gradually restored as I learn to create a safer environment.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for sharing, I can honestly hear the frustration and pain in your words. There are a couple things that come to mind for me. You talk about having a volatile personality. For most people who see that, especially your wife, that really looks like an anger problem. Have you ever gone to individual counseling and dealt with or at least taken a hard look at this side of who you are? Anger is a secondary feeling and has it's roots in other issues such as a controlling personality, shame, childhood trauma, etc. If your wife has a tendency to resist conflict there may be a bit of fear in her heart regarding your "volatility".

You are absolutely right though, conflict and communication are the key tools for deeper intimacy. I am glad to hear that you are in a more routine counseling schedule. Have you and your wife considered an intensive counseling approach? There is a great organization called the _National Institute of Marriage_ that specializes in this kind of therapy and they have a very high success rate. You can find them on google or by sending me a private message.

I just want you to know that I understand. I have been divorced for five years now and wish so badly that I could go back ten years and convince myself to do whatever needed to be done to change myself and save our marriage. That's my recommendation - find a way. Find the number to the above organization and make a decision that could have long lasting and very positive effects. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## AnotherAnon (Jul 10, 2014)

I am in your situation but with genders reversed. H is the one who sticks his head in the sand. It's how his entire flippin' family operates and it's all he knows. He will even lie to avoid conflict and that's not good.

I am open, emotional, verbal, etc. like you are. I beg him to talk to me, share, resolve things. I tell him I have trouble trusting him because I know he will lie to avoid me getting upset. (Small stuff, nothing major.) 

He read a book about "Nice Guys". I think maybe the title is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or something. It perfectly describes how he was raised to not cause any trouble and that is his pattern, and all of that. I wonder if there is a version of that book for women and that would help your wife, if she were open to it?

Or maybe you read the book and see if it gives you any insight into her. 

Also, my H is a complete introvert and I am reading "Quiet" by Susan Cain. It's about introverts in general, like even in work and social situations, so it's not specific to marriages but it may help you understand her better.

In my case, we have two small kids and he holds all of the cards in terms of the finances. He has never been stingy with me or anything and I believe he wants to do right by our kids. I cannot earn enough to even pay daycare for both of them so leaving and supporting myself plus them is out. I hate sitting here waiting for him to blindside me with divorce papers or something. He says he will not do that, but, again, Ostriches are unpredictable especially when you don't know what all they are thinking about. 

Meanwhile I try to keep understanding and working on things. I hope your situation can be improved.


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