# dont know what to do? please help!



## dontknowwhatodo (Mar 1, 2011)

Hi, i have not posted on here before, or anywhere for that matter, but now seems like a good idea.

First of all my heart goes out to everyone that is on this site and going through these very trying times, it really is hard and no one should ever have to go through it.

So. Long story short, my wife kicked me out about 8 months ago, claiming that she had left the marriage for a long time before that, as with so many other men i see, i was blind to all the early warning signs, now that i look back on it i saw them and did nothing about it. My wife moved another man in about 3 weeks after she booted me. Still unsure of how long she had been talking to this guy but that is completely different story.

Fast track to today. I have moved on (or so i thought) been in a relationship long distance with a lovely woman for about 2 months now. My problem is this. My ex wife (we have not actually got a divorce yet because need a year before anything can be done) has shown signs and had "fleeting" chats with me about being with me, from what i know she has stopped contact with the other man. I am now really confused and at a loss of what to do. On the one hand, my wife did almost everything to break my heart but i still believe i love her after seeing signs she may want me again, but also she has not blatenly come out and said it, she has said she needs time to think. Then on the other, i have this new relationship (i have never actually met this other person in real life but we have become very close, calling each day etc).

In all honesty i think i want to be with my ex but i still do not know what i should do because she has plain and simply not said it loud enough. My ex wife is not someone who puts herself out there, i feel like if i leave her alone then nothing will happen, but on the other hand everywhere i read and everyone has told me to let her come to me, and not force her to be with me. 

Any comments would be very appreciated. I am stressing so much right now about what to do. Do i tell my new woman? How do i tell her? Do i try and get my ex wife back? which consists of me actually having to work at getting her back because she will not make the first move? (its in her nature to not make any moves....trust me) Do i give my ex an ultimatum? or do i simply leave it, move on and hope this feeling does not eat away at my new relationship? So many questions to which i just cannot think of an answer!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Just an opinoin....

Sounds like the year of separation or whatever that is necesary for divorce, shuld be (in almost all cases) a year spent away from relationships. (A year is not very long trust me.... 6.5 years alone is LOOOOOONG) In that year there is a lot that can happen:

You have the chance to think about your marriage (both sides do) and really figure out what needs to happen, or work on things that can change.

Decide what you want without the added complication of other temptations (about you not "hmm but she is good too")

Heal from the loss

Refind yourself as YOU and not you as a part of a relationship.

I think if there is anything in you that thinks it is worth seeing if your wife can still be your wife you have to..


End the other relationship NOW... AND cop to your wife that you were seeing someone (keeping in mind that it will hurt her, and may make things harder, but give her a minute or two to digest and decide if she still wants to go on) And this is thinking she does not know or is not aware of the strength of the relationship.

Take some time to think about it as a person ALONE, not someone with a choice between two people.

If you choose her, start communication and go from there, if not... let her know then go back to ALONE and heal a bit.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, without proper communication your relationship with your ex seems that it's likely doomed from the start (again). This is something that will also affect any other relationship you might have (with your current partner, for example). Start by dealing with that. 

You need to make a decision on what you want to do, and then start taking action on it. If you decide not to try to reconcile with your wife, can you cut her out of your life? Do you have kids together? If you decide to try to reconcile, is she willing to go to counseling to try to work through the communication issues that are there?

As far as your current partner goes, she's a long distance relationship that you've never met. If you decide to try to reconcile with your wife, I'd say she obviously deserves to know. If not, I guess you'll have to decide how much she needs (or should) know. If you're unsure about your feelings, she likely deserves to know that now, before SHE invests herself too much into your relationship. There's a reason why some women (and men) won't date people recently separated or divorced...

In either case, it seems that you may want to explore some form of "working on me" time as well... Dragging your baggage from one relationship to the next isn't going to do anyone any good.

C


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Its up to you. You may want to give it more time.

If you do start things back up with your wife, I would suggest MC as you do it.

There is no right answer, but it seems like you are thinking correctly about the issues. 

I wish you the best.


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