# Worried that my wife is going to give up



## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

My biggest fear is that my wife will just give up, that she’ll just assume that I don’t like her, I think she’s a failure at everything, I think she’s a bad mom, I think she’s unattractive, dumb, boring, stupid. What scares me is the realization that I can’t control this anymore. I thought I could make her not feel this way, but after trying for a year with no success I’m afraid that I can’t. 

The smallest thing that I do that makes her feel bad will totally overtake 10 things I do to make her feel good. If the kids are frustrating me and driving me crazy and I’m aggravated, she just assumes that I am directing it towards her. She’ll just instantly think I don’t like her or I’m disappointed in her. 

I don’t know what else to do. I really really really have tried, I really have. But I’m so frustrated because she hasn’t tried. She would kill me if she heard me say that, because she has to do so much and work so hard just to maintain the house and the kids. But what I mean is, she hasn’t tried to change herself. I have tried to change myself. I have tried to actively do things to make her feel good about us and herself. But she hasn’t. 

If she gives up on us, if she stops thinking that there’s any hope of a happy marriage between us, then what happens? I don’t want to think about it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

williamw said:


> I really really really have tried, I really have. But I’m so frustrated because she hasn’t tried. She would kill me if she heard me say that, because she has to do so much and work so hard just to maintain the house and the kids. But what I mean is, she hasn’t tried to change herself. I have tried to change myself. I have tried to actively do things to make her feel good about us and herself. But she hasn’t.


you have got to be honest with her about how you feel. she's manipulating you into getting you to constantly reassure her. sometimes the best thing is to let her face her fear- that she isnt good enough. stop trying to make her feel good and be honest about how you feel. it may end the marriage, or she may face her fear and realize its not true. but either way you'll stop this madness.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

When the kids are stressing you out, and she feels bad, after you get them put to bed you apologize: "I'm sorry I was so stressed out earlier, but you know how it can be. I'm so glad you're here and we do this together. I don't know what I'd do without you."

The first rule in _How To Win Friends And Influence People_ is "Never criticize, condemn, or complain". Now that I think about it, you might want to read the whole book. Annually.


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