# life after cheating



## guillemoa (May 18, 2014)

what to do when my wife took me back after me cheating on her and things don't look promising I have change and also has she nothing but fighting and not getting along together as much as I love her and I want to work things out , she spends her time hoping for the worst im to the point of don't know what to do is she trying to make it bad so it wont work or what a person can only be in a situation where theres no true love or affection what can I do should I call it quits or be with her and see when or how much I can take .


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Maybe you should read up on how the betrayed spouse feels and reacts to infidelity and try to be more understanding.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Maybe you should own the sh1t you did and bend over backwards to make things right. You were the one who f-ed up, not her. If I were you, I'd stop feeling sorry for myself and do some heavy lifting. Frankly, you have to eat some carp for a while ... And deservedly so.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_and see when or how much I can take _

You're the victim here, right?

Punctuation, man, punctuation!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

please read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

specially post number 3
*"Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners."*

that is a little guide that will help you to understand the emotionally state that your wife is experimenting right now, and also gives you perpective of what you may have to do if she decides to reconcile.

Also offer her to send a NC letter to OW and offer her the 100% transparency policy

- acces to your phone to check your messages and calls
- acces to social media communications (FB, skype, tweeter).
- GPS in your car if necessary to confirm where you are.

She have to see that you already thought of all the possible ways to regain her trust.

offer her MC.

also, give you time to visit this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

in this thread hang out a lot of couples in process of reconcilation that may help you to obtain useful advices.

good luck.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Your wife isn't trying to make things bad.

You made things bad by cheating on her. I don't think you understand just how devastating that is for her, so you should really read the information previous posters have given you to understand.

You need to do everything in your power to make things right with your wife. She was just betrayed, so of course she won't be like she was before, she might not ever be. 

It is up to you to help her cope and feel secure in the relationship again.

Have you looked into MC and IC for you and your wife?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think you need to work on your compassion for her. Your mistake was 100% detrimental to her entire being. 

If you want your marriage then you will take it all (there is no limit on how much when you dished out a heavy burden on her). I am not saying she has the right to treat you however she sees fit. She chose to stay with you and work it out then she needs to work on her self because she is going through so much right now. You need to work on you, be patient with her, and see the end goal. 

You both must be hurting so bad and as a BS I will confess to there being days where I was too injured to give a crap what my husband was feeling. I was not strong enough then to consider his feelings and see that I was further hurting my marriage. There were days (and still are) that the hurt bubbles up and the anger takes over (anger is a secondary emotion) and I can not see the end goal. I get mad at him even though at the moment he is being as great as I could hope for. 

Do some research on what her perspective might be. Work on things you can do around the house in general to lighten her stress load. Seriously if she washes the dishes or does the laundry whatever her chores are, pick one a day and do it for her. It may sound really stupid but little simple things to help make her days better will help her. 

If you really want to save what you threw a bomb in then you will deal with it. Get into MC and IC if you can to help navigate the road. If you could physically see the wounds you have caused through your terrible mistake you would be much more understanding.

Work on your sympathy and compassion. Try to understand the pain she is in, instead of just being aware of your own. Betrayal is hard on both sides but as the cheater you have to do a little more work to get you BOTH through this.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

R takes a long time. Read some threads on here. 

You nuked her world. She's gutted, she's angry, mind movies are playing in her head as she imagines you and OW in bed together if it was a PA. 

Start playing mind movies in your own head of her in bed with another man or meeting him behind your back and then coming home to you lying through her teeth. 

She also feels like a fool. . . which she is not of course. . .


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why don't you do the right thing, and give your wife her freedom, you wrecked her life, and the lives of any other family members you have

Her acting out is her being triggered by you, and by her own sub--conscious

Set her free so she can eventually find someone who really loves and wants her


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's been through the worst that can happen in a marriage and you're surprised that she's standoffish and distrustful... I'll say no more on this subject since the previous posters have covered that well. 

Can you tell us:
1. Why you started an extramarital affair?
2. How long did it last?
3. Was it someone she knew? 
4. Do you have reason to have daily or regular contact with the other woman?
5. Why did you break it off? 
6. How did your wife discover the affair?
7. Do you both work? Are you both financially okay?
8. Do you have kids?/their ages?/ yours?

A little background can help provide some positive help and comments.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey gonnabe----don't look at the grammar and use that as a barometer for anything----A WHOLE LOT OF KIDS DO NOT FINISH HI SCHOOL in this day and age---and they do not know a he*l of a lot about reading and writing---they know how to text, and to let their computers, and cellphones do everything for them


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm a literary agent and I would never make fun of someone for written grammar. It's elitist and says more about the person complaining about it than the person with bad grammar. As a literary agent I could also pick apart your post about bad grammar because it isn't perfect either.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

High school is two words. Would you like more editing advice so you can get your ad hominem attacks across correctly? Usually I charge $2 per page but I wouldn't mind helping a forum friend.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Agree with most here.
Complete transparency is the only way. 
Hand over EVERYTHING.
Try to explain what happened emotionally for you during the affair.
Try to explain why you came back.
Try to explain how you will prevent it in future.
DON'T BE THE VICTIM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When you kick someone very, very hard in the knee, they will walk with a limp for a while. Maybe for good.

But who would then be critical of the victim for limping, especially if they were the person who administered the kicking? 

And that is what yoy are doing, OP. You "kicked" your wife and instead of giving her your arm to lean on, you are complaining that she is limping!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

I am new to the site, but fully able to answer this question you have, regarding your wife. My husband is guilty as well, of destroying me. It seems it may even be permanent destruction. I am no longer the same person and most of me has died on. If you truly want to help your wife, and heal her pain, you will do whatever it takes, and your life will become an open book, without you hating that. Personally, I dont know if theres any man that can ofefr such a thing to his wife. Your habits have been to care only about your needs and lusts, and you may not be able to even think of her. What you are guilty of, even more than the cheating, is what you have done to rape her of her own well being.

If you truly dont have what it takes inside of you to care more about her than yourself, I would say the marriage is over. But, if you can own up to everything you have done or thought, I would suggest that you sit down and tell her everything. No matter what you think, knowing and hearing you say the truth is everything that could help her. She cant trust you and doesnt believe you. Now its up to you to find the way to help her to trust you again. Its not her job, its yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

guillemoa said:


> what to do when my wife took me back after me cheating on her and things don't look promising I have change and also has she nothing but fighting and not getting along together as much as I love her and I want to work things out , she spends her time hoping for the worst im to the point of don't know what to do is she trying to make it bad so it wont work or what a person can only be in a situation where theres no true love or affection what can I do should I call it quits or be with her and see when or how much I can take .


How long ago did she find out about your cheating?

How long was our affair? Was it one affair? Or did you have more than one affair?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gonnabealright said:


> Thats half the problem with society today is we make exceptions for stupid people. it prolongs the problem by them making more stupid children.


You insulting the OP is out of hand.


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