# My husband left yesterday



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have been married for 17 years and my husband came to me six months ago and told me that he didn't think he wanted to be married any more. He said there was no one else, he just wanted to be able to do his own thing. I was devastated. I know that I handled some things the wrong way during this time, but I was so desperate to save our marriage that I was willing to do whatever. Needless to say, it didn't work. He told me earlier in the week that he talked with his family and he has definitely decided that he is going to leave me and our son. He moved some of his stuff out yesterday. I am completely devastated. I have never lived on my own and I hate to be alone more than anything in the world, always have. I know everyone keeps saying that it will get better and that I am stronger than I think, but right now I just keep asking myself how he could not love me any more. What is wrong with me that he fell out of love? It's like a nightmare.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

It is a nightmare. Who can you lean on - family, friends?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

After 16 years my wife did exactly the same thing 5 weeks ago. Left me the girls and was off "to be free"

I did the begging thing, I did the love letters, I sent her flowers.

None of that worked.

You need to just let him be, do not contact him. If you do make sure it is only short and too the point.

From this day forward get a calendar. Write on it the days he calls you, the days he asked to see your son, any payments he has made to you for your son. Document, document, document.

If possible have him contact you on your cell phone ( with a call recorder added), by e-mail ( always make sure there is a response to any questions you ask of him) or by text.

You will need these in court as to proof of what he is doing for your son.

Talk to your doctor if you are having a hard time coping. I am on anti-depressants that have made a word of difference. 

The hardest part will be sleeping and eating. I had a hard time eating so i ate bagels with a LOT of peanut butter to get protein. Eat some apples and STAY AWAY FROM BOOZE.

I have coped by sleeping with the TV on for background noise. That has helped a ton.

Rearrange your bed room so it is difference from when he was there. Small changes help you to not concentrate on the fact he is not there.

Go to the courthouse and get the paperwork for custody and child support NOW. Fill them out and see if you can get legal aid. Have them look over your paperwork. File soon as it will take many months to get into court to get him you sole custody and child support. If needed file a temporary order that will get you and immediate order to cover you until court.

Trust me... do this now and he will know you are serious. You do not have to do a separation agreement yet but you need to have him paying and you custody.

Any payments he makes should be in a way that can be tracked. Do not get cash unless he signs something. Get him to give you a check.

I am telling you this because I felt so much better about myself when I took control of the situation. Right now he is in control and you don't have any self-worth. The only way to break through is to take control. It will show him you mean business and will make him decide if this is really what he wants to do. 

Right now he can do whatever he wants because no one is making him think about his actions.

Stop thinking with you are and think with your brain. It took me 4 weeks to break out of this. One day she pissed me off enough that I said enough is enough. What i really should have done was to do this the very first day after she left. So far my ex has had a 5 week party that is going to come crashing down on top of her soon.

Think about your son and your future.

To make life easier I had my ex meet us at a neutral park. I park at one end and she parked at the other. My children could run from my vehicle to hers. I don't have to speak to her or be in vocal distance. I found that easier to deal with. I would not have him come to the house.

Make sure you SET the time he will see your son and when he will be picked up, and where he is dropped off and picked up.. Do this by e-mail and have him respond. You are the parent in charge now. Takes control. He can not make the decisions for you and your boy now. You do.. you set the rules.

Remember that he abandoned you and your son. He needs to understand the implications of his decision.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't see why either of you have to let your children see the parent who abandoned them. 

I feel so bad for both of you, what a terrible ordeal. I don't understand some people, I really don't. To me, when you walk out on your family you do exactly that --- walk out on them. That means you don't get to hang out with them anymore at all.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> I don't see why either of you have to let your children see the parent who abandoned them.
> 
> I feel so bad for both of you, what a terrible ordeal. I don't understand some people, I really don't. To me, when you walk out on your family you do exactly that --- walk out on them. That means you don't get to hang out with them anymore at all.


if a husband and wife get divorced, they get divorced from each other. And one of them might leave the 'marital home.'
Dont call leaving, abandonment. Abandonment is when someone doesnt come home and never tells anyone they are leaving.

Excluding abuse, there is no reason to stop a parent having access to their child, even if they leave the home.

I think that is petty and malevolent and it harms the parent(s) AND the child, and I find it sickening that people justify using children as pawns in the war against the ex's.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Give him space and time - the grass isn't always greenr. I made the mistake of chasing my WAF - wish id have left alone, think we wud be back together now


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> I don't see why either of you have to let your children see the parent who abandoned them.


I think you'll find that, in the end, it will be a legal requirement just as paying alimony and child support is likely to be.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

it is a legal right in Canada.. the only thing I can do is to gain sole custody so that I am responsible for the medical,education and welfare of the children.

If i get sole custody she won't even be able to pick the kids up from school without my authorization.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband is demanding totally equal visitation, even though he is the one who walked out and left us. I think this takes a lot of nerve on his part because he is just trying to set a schedule where he sees our son when he wants to. He called our house numerous times last night to speak with our son and it really bothers me because I want it to be fair, but not necessarily equal visitation. I know I have to file for primary custody and child support. Any other ideas? This is all completely new to me.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Make him stand in front of a judge and explain to the court why he should have joint custody.

File for Sole and see what the judge gives you.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

specialplace said:


> My husband is demanding totally equal visitation, even though he is the one who walked out and left us. I think this takes a lot of nerve on his part because he is just trying to set a schedule where he sees our son when he wants to. He called our house numerous times last night to speak with our son and it really bothers me because I want it to be fair, but not necessarily equal visitation. I know I have to file for primary custody and child support. Any other ideas? This is all completely new to me.


This is about your husband and his relationship with your son. Why wouldnt he want to spend an equal amount of time with him? He's divorcing you not your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I talked to my husband on the phone today and asked if I should go ahead and proceed with all of the legal documents for the separation, child support, etc. He said he couldn't tell me how long he would need to be separated or even if he will want to come back eventually, but he told me that he thought I should hold off. Of course, that's what I desperately wanted to hear, but at the same time, how can I just sit and wait? We don't have a lot of money right now and to file the legal separation, etc. will cost us, but do I really have a choice? Sitting and waiting seems impossibly unfair to me, especially if the end result is going to be that he tells me that he is gone for good.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

file anyways.. it takes 2 months to even get into court... That will give him time to wake up before he has to go in front of a judge.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Of course he wants you to hold off! Having an agreement or order will stop him from calling all the shots. You need to go see an attorney, NOW. His walking out of the marriage is unrelated to custody of children and the courts pretty much don't pay much attention as to why a marriage fell apart. He does not have the right to run your household when he walked out, so the multiple phone calls are too much. Have an arranged time for goodnight calls. After that, don't answer the phone. I know its hard, but he has no right to string you along, or control you.
He's being a cake-eater, not wanting to be married, not wanting to push for a D. Buck up, girl. He is not on your side right now. Do not take his unwillingness to file as an indication that he might want to R.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

anonim said:


> if a husband and wife get divorced, they get divorced from each other. And one of them might leave the 'marital home.'
> Dont call leaving, abandonment. Abandonment is when someone doesnt come home and never tells anyone they are leaving.
> 
> Excluding abuse, there is no reason to stop a parent having access to their child, even if they leave the home.
> ...


hey look it's an abandoner defending other abandoners. Cute. Maybe the not the most appropriate place to advocate idiots who decide that they'll stop being part of their family though.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> hey look it's an abandoner defending other abandoners. Cute. Maybe the not the most appropriate place to advocate idiots who decide that they'll stop being part of their family though.


And how am I abandoner? Quit the name calling and grow up.

I stand by what I said, if you dont like it, then dont do it.

refusing to let an ex see the kids because you have issues with them, is a power play and has nothing at all to do with whats best for the kids.

How would a parent be abandoning the kids if they still wanted to see them?

If they arent abusive, then let them see them.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

anonim said:


> And how am I abandoner? Quit the name calling and grow up.
> 
> I stand by what I said, if you dont like it, then dont do it.
> 
> ...


walking out on your family (this includes your children) is abuse.

and why would I ever grow up?! Being growed up is so unfun


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> I don't see why either of you have to let your children see the parent who abandoned them.
> 
> I feel so bad for both of you, what a terrible ordeal. I don't understand some people, I really don't. To me, when you walk out on your family you do exactly that --- walk out on them. That means you don't get to hang out with them anymore at all.


what if in my case,, Husband was given a choice, to either stay and work it out with me,, or figure out if he really wants to stay or not to work marriage out? Its becuase I did just that . and he chose to leave...... ?? Im starting to feel bad for giving him this choice... Its been 3 weeks, and he still doesnt know if he loves me or not , and wants to continue marriage.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

that BS.. you either love someone or you don't..

That is stringing you along and is BS. My wife said that too.. 

It is just to make you feel like crap and keep your hopes up...


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

thanks for the reply "j" ,,, your so right about that.. how hard is it to know if you love a person or not........ I should just tell him straight up........... .. i really feel like emailing him and tell him ,,,, that its over..... its so hard to live like this ........ and yes.. it just makes room for more hurt. Im 39 and I look like 59 .. due to so much sadness and crying...


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Well... do what I did..

I turn 40 tomorrow.. I decided to work on my bucket list.

I have never run a day in my life and I am gonna run a 5km race next month.

I bought new glasses, got a hair cut, growing a goatee ( something Lisa said I could never do ) and going clothes shopping.

I fought the pain and went to the courthouse and got all the paperwork done for custody and child support and got her served.

You have to think clearly through the pain. Today would have been my anniversary and I cried this morning but I cry less and less as the days goes on. I have to look at my future and the potential for doing great things.

I am signing up to do a spartan and a tough mud race next year and I don't even know if I can run 5km (3.1 miles).

I joined two free online dating sites ( ******* and Plentyoffish) and decided if a nice person comes along I will try dating..

You can't sit around waiting.. you have to keep going.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

So I keep effing up! How can I institute NC? Should everything about the kids be in writing?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Anything to do with the kids should be documented. I keep a calendar about when my ex sees the kids, also when we talk and how much money is exchanged.


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