# No longer interested.



## BrianSq (Aug 28, 2009)

Been with my wife for 20+ years. Always Faithful(Both). Not to be shallow, but my wife has put on some weight (not excessive)and I do not feel sexually attracted. She is interested but I can not seem to muster any. I don't want to tell her why, as I do not want to hurt her feelings. Any suggestions?


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

I have no idea what to suggest. Women tend to find it easier to cope if their fellas put on weight or change in appearance (beard, no beard, hair, no hair etc!!). I think it's because we focus on the emotional side of sex before the physical. If a man makes us feel sexy and wanted sexually, then we feel sexy and wanted. 

You cannot tell your wife that her weight turns you off - that would hurt her exceedingly. Maybe you need to think about why she has put on weight - is she feeling down about anything? Has she got low self esteem? Is there anything you can do to help her feel better, beautiful and more confident?

I really feel that there is a lot more to your simple question than you think. It isn't just a case of, wife's put on weight, now husband doesn't fancy her. People in a healthy, deep and meaningful relationship are not that shallow. I'm sure you're not that shallow (you care enough to write a forum entry about it!). 

I suggest you do some serious thinking about the whys, then come back and ask the right questions!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Man to man. I have been on the OTHER side of this problem so first - be really careful because it HURTs to hear this. My wife was quite turned off by how thin I was. Anyway I fixed it and her desire level went back to where it used to be - very nice. 

The "safe" way to do this is to tell her that you want for BOTH of you to take steps toward a more healthy lifestyle. This means that you will STOP buying problem foods at grocery store and start walking/biking regularly. 

Just an aside: Before we married I pushed my wife for us to BOTH commit to staying really fit. She was upset about my request and asked me - are you saying you won't want me, won't want to stay together if I get fat? I just kept repeating: Passion is a beautiful part of marriage, part of passion for ME is fitness. Fat is a turnoff - sorry. 

So when I had gotten too thin she HAMMERED me with the whole double standard thing. So back to the gym - ate a lot more. LOL. 

Be ready for your wife to DIRECTLY ask you about her weight. I think the safest answer is this: You know I love you and am totally committed to our marriage. You also know that to some degree, a male erection is an "automatic" response - not something we choose to have or not. My erection is just not happening so well since you gained weight. And I am truly sorry for that. And then just be contrite and keep repeating. Do NOT retract that statement. Because lying about this will not help your marriage. 

If you help her with healthy eating and exercise and she WANTS to lose weight, she will. 


PS: The whole premarital fitness thing was because ALMOST ALL the women in my parents social circle got seriously fat after marriage. And they thought it was totally fine. Catch your man, after that do whatever you want. I think that is a very unloving mindset. 







BrianSq said:


> Been with my wife for 20+ years. Always Faithful(Both). Not to be shallow, but my wife has put on some weight (not excessive)and I do not feel sexually attracted. She is interested but I can not seem to muster any. I don't want to tell her why, as I do not want to hurt her feelings. Any suggestions?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you ought to just tell her. My H doesnt really want sex with me either and i ask him if its b/c he's not attracted to me and if it is, then just tell me. maybe it'll hurt my feelings but not only does him not wanting sex with me hurt my feelings, but so does the not knowing why. one way or another im hurt. id rather just be hurt and then be able to either do something about it or move on.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Blanca - the saddest thing about low sex marriages is that the spouse who does not want sex almost NEVER tells their partner what the heck is really going on. I personally think that is abusive. He should "man up" and tell you and then you are right - it is your choice. 








Blanca said:


> I think you ought to just tell her. My H doesnt really want sex with me either and i ask him if its b/c he's not attracted to me and if it is, then just tell me. maybe it'll hurt my feelings but not only does him not wanting sex with me hurt my feelings, but so does the not knowing why. one way or another im hurt. id rather just be hurt and then be able to either do something about it or move on.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Blanca - the saddest thing about low sex marriages is that the spouse who does not want sex almost NEVER tells their partner what the heck is really going on. I personally think that is abusive. He should "man up" and tell you and then you are right - it is your choice.


I KNOW! living in limbo land is torture. it does border on abuse.


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## Not Me Oh (Apr 20, 2009)

Take it from me...don't wait too long to mention something about the weight if it is the start of your spouse eating out of depression...a lot of women eat to take away their pain, then feel like sh*t for being so heavy and eat to take away that pain...


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