# Do I call or keep with NC...?



## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

Hello,

I've been lurking around for about 6 months now, read a ton of posts but never posted my own story. This holiday season has hit me a little harder than I thought and I need peoples advice on something. 

A little background on my situation :

Married 3 years, 5 total together, no kids. Started having problems around Feb 2012. Wife told me she didn't know if she was happy anymore and wanted to try a trial separation. This really upset me. We had our problems, but nothing, in my view obviously, that merited a separation. I put myself in high gear, put all my time and heart into our marriage and about 3 months later things started getting better. She said she didn´t want to separate anymore and little by little we were starting to get out of that funk until I saw a message on her phone from an unknown person. I didn´t even ask her about it but since she knew I had seen the message she told me it was some lady from work that was helping her with our marital problems. I let it go but the feeling that something wasn´t right stayed with me. About a month later another message arrived. This time I demanded to know who the "lady" was, it ended up being a male friend from work. What disappointed me the most was that she lied about it, so that sent my insecurities spiralling. I tried to let it go at first, but had a hard time with that. She said she knew it was wrong that she lied and that she would try very hard to make me know our marriage was number one in her life and that I could trust her. But those were only words. She started erasing all her messages, started modifying settings in here phone so messages wouldn´t be notified,etc. This attitude didn´t help my insecurities so I would ask her a lot about who the guy was and why had this happened and this went on for about a month and half. First week of July we had a fight coming home from work, I needed for her to acknowledge that her having a "secret" friend wasn´t right but she said the only wrong thing she´d done was lying to me and that the friendship wasn´t wrong. So she asked me to drive her to her moms house and after that she never came back home. 
I tried very hard to get her back. First month she didn´t even want to to talk to me. About a month and a half after she left, out of the blue she started visiting me. We started "dating" and it seemed as though R was in the way. This lasted for about 2 months. It was really frustrating for me because I really wanted her back and I felt she wasn´t really trying to make things work. Eventually she took a vacation alone, first time this had happened in our marriage and when she came back our dating stopped. I told her that if this was how our relationship would continue that we should think about divorce. At this time, about late September, I stopped being available. She called on my birthday, about a month later, and asked if we could go out for dinner. Went out the next day had a nice dinner, a few drinks, during which she asked me what my feelings were on this ordeal? I told her that I still loved her and that I thought the we could make things work. I asked her the same and she responded with I want a divorce... So I told her that if that is what she wanted that she could go ahead, but it was something she wanted, so she would have to file for herself.
So now its 2 months since we´ve talked, all of her stuff is still in the house and I don´t know if she filed or not. I´ve gone through every emotion possible, twice, and now I´m here, wondering if I should call her and ask what she has been up too???

What frightens me is that holiday season has brought hope back into my feelings so I was wondering if someone can point me in the right direction...

Should I call or should I wait for her to call? Do I do it before the year ends???

Sorry for the rant but I had to fill in some of the blanks.

Thanks in advance.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Your wife most likely had an affair.

The 'vacation alone' was not that.

Throughout these times she most likely had issues with the affair partner.

Or felt guilty on her own and that's when she would reappear.

What do you need to do?

Keep to NC.

Pack ALL her things.

Let her know she can come and get them.

Do not manipulate.

Do not give out any information on what you are planning or how you are feeling.

You mentioned a few times about insecurities.

Do you care about yourself?

Feel self worth without the need of validation from your wife (or anyone for that matter)?


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## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

Thanks UpnOver.

I just wish I could have gathered some evidence to really know if she did have and EA or whatever else. Not having anything to go on left me with a lot of doubts.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Providence said:


> Thanks UpnOver.
> 
> I just wish I could have gathered some evidence to really know if she did have and EA or whatever else. Not having anything to go on left me with a lot of doubts.


The only 'anything' you need to go on is yourself.

I never got concrete evidence either.

Did lots of searching 8 months ago.

Put tons of things 'together'.

Assumed.

Accused.

Focused far too long and too hard on her.

In the end it doesn't matter.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

You have all the proof you need.

"Trial Seperation"
Erasing messages
Lying etc..

You know this if you've been on TAM for 6 months.

She was having an EA/PA from the very beginning.

Everything you've been wondering about and not sure if it's true-
it is. 

Find someone who deserves you and won't pull this $hit.


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## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> The only 'anything' you need to go on is yourself.
> 
> I never got concrete evidence either.
> 
> ...



I know exactly what you mean. My problem right now is that "Im trying to put everything together" and all of it comes from my imagination. I know times the trick here. It's just difficult to see the street when you're staring at your feet. Has it become more about you after time?


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## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

coachman said:


> Everything you've been wondering about and not sure if it's true-
> it is.
> 
> Find someone who deserves you and won't pull this $hit.


This is what I'm aiming for, learning to trust my intuition, and knowing that I should stop having hope, probably the most difficult emotion to work through.

Thats why I need to let her know that she has to come and pick her stuff so I don't have to be reminded of her every inch of the house.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

The "hope" is going to eat you alive and be the biggest hindrance to recovering from this. 

At this point, you're never going to have all the answers you want. The chances of her coming clean are pretty much slim to none.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter.

Like Up said, she wants out... give her what she wants and focus on you. Every minute spent wondering about her is setting you back and only feeding the "hope". 

Run the MAP and do whatever you have to do to keep it together this Xmas. 

Good luck Providence.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Providence said:


> I know exactly what you mean. My problem right now is that "Im trying to put everything together" and all of it comes from my imagination. I know times the trick here. It's just difficult to see the street when you're staring at your feet. Has it become more about you after time?


There is no trick.

No easy button.

No short cuts.

Your problem is not "you are trying to put it all together".

Your problem is that you lack the self awareness, self regulation and self love to tell yourself.

"This isn't worth it."

It's natural.

Expected.

And it will take time for you to realize it.

Detach detach detach.

Find indifference.

It took me a very long time to finally turn focus on myself.

I dragged myself through the razor filled mud on hands and knees for 6+ months.

Did it to myself.

The nicest little masochist many here have ever seen.

When it came to me, there was no such thing.

I fought tooth and nail to make sure my children got what they needed.

My self worth was completely wrapped up in a woman who had no interest in me.

No longer.

Never again.



> It's just difficult to see the street when you're staring at your feet.


I used to come up with some of the most inventive ways to express how I felt when kicking, screaming and crying just wouldn't do it for me anymore.

A gem;

"My attachment is the tip of the arrow that has gone clean through my chest and my heart. I cannot break the tip. I will continue to pull it out intact."

It wasn't pretty.

I found a way.

Quite literally.

If I can do it.

Anyone can.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Providence said:


> This is what I'm aiming for, learning to trust my intuition, and knowing that I should stop having hope, probably the most difficult emotion to work through.
> 
> Thats why I need to let her know that she has to come and pick her stuff so I don't have to be reminded of her every inch of the house.


Hope and Assuming.

Evil things.

Spending all day hoping this or that will happen.

Allowing yourself to listen to her words and assuming the actions will follow foot.

You might as well slam your head in the door until the pain stops.

Well, at least you hope it will.

Probably assume that once you pass out, you'll feel better when you wake up.

Secret?

It doesn't.

Yet, you'd never think.

The entire time, you could have simply stopped slamming the door on your head.

Crazy, eh?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You also don't "let her know" she can come get her stuff.

Pack it up yourself.

Don't destroy things in an emotional rage.

Don't gloat that you 'are finally getting rid of the b!tch'.

Indifference.

Pack it.

Place it somewhere she can get it.

Let her know she can come by "X, Y or Z".


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Quit waiting around for somebody else to decide what happens to you. Seek legal advise and devise a plan to move forward. Protect monetary position, if you have not done so already. Focus on being a better more interesting you. If you put yourself in a strong position, then it is irrelevant whether she stays or go, you will be good. I know this is tough this time of year. Don't consider any form of reconciliation until you have done these things.


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## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Hope and Assuming.
> 
> Evil things.
> 
> ...


No... Not crazy just plain stupid. All the time we have the solution in our hands we just need to suffer a little bit more so that we can feel we tried enough.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Providence said:


> No... Not crazy just plain stupid. All the time we have the solution in our hands we just need to suffer a little bit more so that we can feel we tried enough.


Suffer a little bit more to finally realize we don't need anyone but ourselves.

Needing someone is a lot different than wanting someone.

You cannot always get what you want.

Being able to say "I cannot have this and that's okay".


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## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

VFW said:


> Quit waiting around for somebody else to decide what happens to you. Seek legal advise and devise a plan to move forward. Protect monetary position, if you have not done so already. Focus on being a better more interesting you. If you put yourself in a strong position, then it is irrelevant whether she stays or go, you will be good. I know this is tough this time of year. Don't consider any form of reconciliation until you have done these things.


Unluckily Im stuck. I need a breather. I think I'll do what Up recommends. I'll pack her stuff up and after the year ends I'll let her know where she can go and get it. If she hasn't filed I'll help her do it.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Heed the advise that you have been given. You've come to the right place. Where lost souls try and find themselves again. We all share similar stories and nearly every time the outcome is the same: The End of Marriage. As horrible as that may sound, you have the opportunity to come out a better person. You'll mess up and fail - time and time again. You'll learn that its all part of the process. In the end, YOU ultimately decide how long you want to stay in misery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Providence (Dec 7, 2012)

ReGroup I read your story. We could probably write the same book. I wish you the best in this journey. I hope I can get myself out this misery as fast as possible.


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