# Toys have come back to bite me in the arse.



## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

My sex life is a joke. My husband I used to go at it like rabbits (3-4 times per day), but it all went down hill. 

I haven't had sexual intercourse with my husband in well over a year. He is 32, and I am 29. I know the older a couple gets, the less sex, but cmon...at 29 I am having to beg him for it? 

Anyway, for the longest time, I wanted to bring toys into the bedroom. He wasn't keen on the idea, so it never happened. I had toys of my own, but would only use them when I was on my own. 

Well, recently (the last year or so), my husband has been all about using a dildo on me. Only thing is...thats all he will do. No foreplay, no sex, no nothing. I bend over him to either give him a hand job or a blow job while he uses the dildo on me. 

While I understand that I am at least still getting off, its NOT the same. I didn't marry him just so I could get off with a toy. Its pure laziness. 

The toy play only happens every few months...but its still annoying that he is too lazy and would rather get me off quickly with a dildo then to share the intimacy of love making. 

How do I change this? I have talked to him about it...and that usually leads to a 2-3 month strike of nothing, just to come back and use the dildo again. I just want sex...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why are you engaging in sexual acts that aren't what you want? How is he supposed to know you aren't into the dildo if you go along with it every time and get him off, too?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

He knows. It comes down to, I either refuse, and not get off at all (he honestly isn't bothered). Or, I get what I can get.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Plus, like I said, I have talked to him about it. Whenever I try to bring it up, he gets angry and wants nothing to do with the conversation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The toy is not the issue.
Your husband is the issue.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If you don't want him using the toys... if you want actual intercourse... then don't let him use the toys on you. It really is that simple. When he reaches for the dildo, tell him no. If he persists... walk away. No matter how much you want SEX, you're not going to have INTERCOURSE with him, unless you stop the toy use (at this point, anyway).


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Find out if he is getting laid somewhere else. Seems strange to me, like there is more to this story.


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## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

Just wow. It just blows my mind (no pun intended) to read about men that are this way (being a guy myself). Prior to finding this site a few weeks ago, I would have guessed all men were HD (unless there is a medical issue), and 90% of women were LD. I can't speculate on the issue, but my thoughts are with you in this tough situation.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The toy is not the issue.
> Your husband is the issue.


Agreed. The toy is not the problem. Your husband is being extremely selfish and insensitive to you and your needs. He is the one that needs to change. However, having the toy handy gives him a way to say that he is taking care of your needs by giving you an orgasm. Get rid of the toy and force him to participate with you directly. Stop giving him hj's and bj's. Fair play would be for you to hand him a fleshlight or a pocket puzzy instead of giving him a bj. But from your description, it sounds like he wouldn't care. 
How is his physical health? Been to a doctor recently and had a check up? Low testosterone? Depression? ED? Any other information you can give might help.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

He isn't cheating, no porn, no looking at other woman....its nothing. He has no desire. 
He is very over weight, and he smokes. We have had many, many, many conversations about this, and how important sex is to me. His response every time is "Sorry, but its not important to me."


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> He isn't cheating, no porn, no looking at other woman....its nothing. He has no desire.
> He is very over weight, and he smokes. We have had many, many, many conversations about this, and how important sex is to me. His response every time is "Sorry, but its not important to me."


Bingo. And there is not much you can do to force him to care. Being overweight and smoking are definitely libido killers. But unless he is ready to make a change, there isn't a whole lot that you can do short of leaving him that might shock him into a change. Have you considered leaving?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> If you don't want him using the toys... if you want actual intercourse... then don't let him use the toys on you. It really is that simple. When he reaches for the dildo, tell him no. If he persists... walk away. No matter how much you want SEX, you're not going to have INTERCOURSE with him, unless you stop the toy use (at this point, anyway).



When you are a HD person, and crave sex and intimacy...its hard to say no. I totally understand what you're saying...but it really makes me sad to even think I have to say no when all I want is him to touch me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well, that's your answer then...it isn't important to him and he has LD. This isn't likely to change.

So you can:

1. Refuse the dildo sex and take care of your own needs.

2. Accept the dildo sex and try to be ok with it.

3. Leave.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well, that's your answer then...it isn't important to him and he has LD. This isn't likely to change.
> 
> So you can:
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, these seem to be your only options. Looking for a magic potion to make him "want" to have sex is not going to happen. He is going to have to want to make that changed internally.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> He isn't cheating, no porn, no looking at other woman....its nothing. He has no desire.
> He is very over weight, and he smokes. We have had many, many, many conversations about this, and how important sex is to me. His response every time is "Sorry, but its not important to me."


There is no marriage without sex. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Barring any real medical issues and if there are you would think he would want to fix it. If he is unwilling I would leave, you may want to consider cutting your losses here and finding a man who would like to have sex without you. I dont think it would be that hard.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Bingo. And there is not much you can do to force him to care. Being overweight and smoking are definitely libido killers. But unless he is ready to make a change, there isn't a whole lot that you can do short of leaving him that might shock him into a change. Have you considered leaving?


I have left him. We were separated for a long time a few years ago because of this very problem (among a couple others). 
Not trying to make any excuses as to why I went back to him when nothing had changed, but my dad died, and I was just sad, and he was there for me. Him and I hadn't had sex in well over a year at that point, but ended up doing it once on Thanksgiving night. BAM...9 months later, we welcomed a baby into the world.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> I have left him. We were separated for a long time a few years ago because of this very problem (among a couple others).
> Not trying to make any excuses as to why I went back to him when nothing had changed, but my dad died, and I was just sad, and he was there for me. Him and I hadn't had sex in well over a year at that point, but ended up doing it once on Thanksgiving night. BAM...9 months later, we welcomed a baby into the world.


Sounds like your bad emotional state and willingness to be in denial about your husband's willingness to change has put you in a bad spot. However, this doesn't sound like a marriage, rather the tattered remnants of a relationship held together because of your child. You have some hard choices to make if you want more out of life and your relationships.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Maybe I am crazy for asking this, but leaving him because lack of sex as a Catholic, just seems a little extreme. I deserve to be happy, and I know that he wont ever change...but I remember how much crap I got when I left him a few years ago.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> I have left him. We were separated for a long time a few years ago because of this very problem (among a couple others).
> Not trying to make any excuses as to why I went back to him when nothing had changed, but my dad died, and I was just sad, and he was there for me. Him and I hadn't had sex in well over a year at that point, but ended up doing it once on Thanksgiving night. BAM...9 months later, we welcomed a baby into the world.


So you've been there done that? Its not looking good for your situation if you are not willing to really do something about it. My prediction, you will be entertaining an affair if you continue on like this for the long haul. Not saying you will have one but you will think about it, especially if you are HD.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well, that's your answer then...it isn't important to him and he has LD. This isn't likely to change.
> 
> So you can:
> 
> ...


4. Leave and get it taken care by someone who is willing.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well yeah, that is implied in "leave".


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> Maybe I am crazy for asking this, but leaving him because lack of sex as a Catholic, just seems a little extreme. I deserve to be happy, and I know that he wont ever change...*but I remember how much crap I got when I left him a few years ago*.


Who gave you the crap? Was it family and friends? His or yours? I can totally understand having religious convictions. I myself am a Christian and consider the sanctity of marriage to be one of God's most beautiful gifts. But your husband is not living up to his side of the equation and is dishonoring his faith by the way he is treating you. Divorce is nothing to be considered lightly and should be a last resort. I feel that divorce has been made too easy in today's world and that people often use it for their own selfish needs. But there are legitimate reasons for divorce as well. Your husband being selfish and not working with you to create a fulfilling marriage is bad but him not making any efforts to improve is worse. I'm sorry you are in this situation but God does not intend for you to suffer in a soulless marriage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> Maybe I am crazy for asking this, but leaving him because lack of sex as a Catholic, just seems a little extreme. I deserve to be happy, and I know that he wont ever change...but I remember how much crap I got when I left him a few years ago.


I think one of the questions asked when you fill out annulment papers for the church specifically asks "How was your sex life?"... My mom went through that years ago with her first husband. In her case, she decided to just go with the divorce, so she was unable to get married in the Catholic church when she and dad married a couple years later. It's an option. And, if a good sex life is a requirement as far as the church is concerned....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Needy_Wife said:


> Maybe I am crazy for asking this, but leaving him because lack of sex as a Catholic, just seems a little extreme. I deserve to be happy, and I know that he wont ever change...but I remember how much crap I got when I left him a few years ago.


The deeper issue is that he knows it is important to you, but states that it is not important to him as the reason he won't do it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"The deeper issue is that he knows it is important to you, but states that it is not important to him as the reason he won't do it."


Yes, but it is helpful to realize, that almost ALL naturally LD people will react the same way. It isn't the same as refusing to meet the other's needs. People who are LD simply do not have any internal frame of reference about what an HD's needs are, so when they state it isn't important to them, they really mean it. They think the HD person is simply being irrational by calling a "want" a "need".

Because nearly all LD people respond this way, it is helpful to understand this, because it is quite common. This phenonmenon is quite different than other situations where a spouse might be deliberately holding out on meeting the other's needs.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Another trial separation may be in order...possibly leading to a legal separation...up the ante. At this point, sex isn't the issue...it is a visceral indicator of your overall relationship...that he for some reason, is feeling like it is not his duty to attend to his wife.

There are lots of Christian resources that say how separation can be a good thing, but if you separate without any CLEAR and concise objectives to reconciliation, you are just pressing a pause button, not actually working on anything.

Some people never like to show their cards...it is a pride thing...so they will always try to call your bluff. So whatever you strategicaly decide to erect as direct consequences of his neglectful behavior, YOU BETTER FOLLOW THROUGH...or he will just laugh it off, "See? I told her she wouldn't do anything about it." Because prideful dominants know how to play a waiting game...and only when they really start feeling the longterm consequences of their behavior...like playing chicken...they will only refuse to alter their course if they feel the hurt is imminent. So mean what you say...refuse sex with him..but don't be whiny or argumentative. Be pleasant while you conduct normal business, while getting your act together...go to the gym, start looking like one hot momma...but when he tries to move on you sexually...so "No, sorry...but until you start addressing my concerns and take them seriously, that ain't gonna happen! You don't just get to take-take-take without investing. The effing bank is closed until you start making some deposits."


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> Maybe I am crazy for asking this, but leaving him because lack of sex as a Catholic, just seems a little extreme. I deserve to be happy, and I know that he wont ever change...but I remember how much crap I got when I left him a few years ago.


Go talk to your priest. Mine has been very helpful to my marriage. You may be surprised with his answers.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> People who are LD simply do not have any internal frame of reference about what an HD's needs are, so when they state it isn't important to them, they really mean it. They think the HD person is simply being irrational by calling a "want" a "need".


This is true. But at some point, after talking endlessly and pouring your heart and soul out to your spouse and letting them know of the depths of despair you are in, something has to break. Your last point about viewing a _*need*_ as a _want_ is also true, but again, at some point you may have to take some sort of drastic action (leaving, divorce, etc) to show them just how important it is. However, based on the OP's description (overweight, smoker, etc.) it sounds to me as though the husband's laziness and poor attitude pervades his entire life, not just his sex life. To me, his being LD is just the manifestation of his unwillingness to put anything into himself or his marriage.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I already said she isn't likely to see any change and ultimately, divorce is the only real power she has.

My point was just to help the OP (and others in her situation) realize that they are talking to a wall (the LD spouse). Just understanding this dynamic is helpful sometimes. Because if the HD spouse is talking to a wall but thinking the wall actually understands what they are saying, they will keep talking and expect change. If they can understand instead that the LD spouse simply doesn't have the same "needs", it can be helpful - - because the HD spouse can then stop wasting their breath and find a real solution instead of the frustrating wall conversation.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

So did I understand this right. Catholics can't divorce and that is why she hasn't done so?


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> So did I understand this right. Catholics can't divorce and that is why she hasn't done so?


Its not that Catholics cannot divorce but it's frowned upon by the Church. When my first wife and I divorced I had to get an annulment from the church to dissolve that marriage. 

Its certainly a deal breaker for most to have this lack of intimacy with one's spouse but to also have 3 young children it's something one can understand why one would put up with it. Honestly for my children I probably would ....... thankfully i dont have to


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I already said she isn't likely to see any change and ultimately, divorce is the only real power she has.
> 
> My point was just to help the OP (and others in her situation) realize that they are talking to a wall (the LD spouse). Just understanding this dynamic is helpful sometimes. Because if the HD spouse is talking to a wall but thinking the wall actually understands what they are saying, they will keep talking and expect change. If they can understand instead that the LD spouse simply doesn't have the same "needs", it can be helpful - - because the HD spouse can then stop wasting their breath and find a real solution instead of the frustrating wall conversation.


Understood. And you are right. Knowing that an LD spouse doesn't see things the way you do is invaluable in communicating. Unfortunately, if you can't get your point across with reason or begging or crying or getting angry, then there isn't a whole lot left.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> So did I understand this right. Catholics can't divorce and that is why she hasn't done so?


The Church of England was created by King Henry VIII because the Pope would not grant an annulment. So, Henry created his own church, declared himself the leader and then granted himself an annulment. 

For strict Catholics, you cannot get married in a Catholic church if you have been divorced.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Omgitsjoe said:


> Its not that Catholics cannot divorce but it's frowned upon by the Church. When my first wife and I divorced I had to get an annulment from the church to dissolve that marriage.
> 
> Its certainly a deal breaker for most to have this lack of intimacy with one's spouse but to also have 3 young children it's something one can understand why one would put up with it. Honestly for my children I probably would ....... thankfully i dont have to


In the US? You don't go to court to get divorced by a judge? That sounds like middle age times to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, to be legally divorced, you do it in the court system. The catholic thing only applies to catholics and has nothing to do with Family Law.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> He isn't cheating, no porn, no looking at other woman....its nothing.* He has no desire.
> He is very over weight, and he smokes.* We have had many, many, many conversations about this, and how important sex is to me. His response every time is "Sorry, but its not important to me."


The more fat he carries the more estrogen his body will create. Fat on a man causes his body to convert androgen (testosterone) into estrogen. Too much estrogen in a man can kill him (not to mention lower his male attributes, one of which is sex drive). If you want your husband to get his mojo back he'll need to drop the fat and increase his physical activity; if he does this, his body will do whats natural and start making him horny (horny is natural).

T


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> In the US? You don't go to court to get divorced by a judge? That sounds like middle age times to me.





Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, to be legally divorced, you do it in the court system. The catholic thing only applies to catholics and has nothing to do with Family Law.


My bad ..... Faithful Wife is correct. One needs to go to court to be legally divorced but as a practicing Catholic who wanted to marry again in Church i needed the annulment. Most simply just gets the divorce which should suffice the majority of the population.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Omgitsjoe said:


> My bad ..... Faithful Wife is correct. One needs to go to court to be legally divorced but as a practicing Catholic who wanted to marry again in Church i needed the annulment. Most simply just gets the divorce which should suffice the majority of the population.


You could always change to some protestant Christianity like the Evangelical Lutheran which don't have these limits (I believe).


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> You could always change to some protestant Christianity like the Evangelical Lutheran which don't have these limits (I believe).


Please........


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> My sex life is a joke. My husband I used to go at it like rabbits (3-4 times per day), but it all went down hill.





> He is very over weight, and he smokes. We have had many, many, many conversations about this, and how important sex is to me. His response every time is "Sorry, but its not important to me."


You didn't provide a time frame for things going downhill. Before concluding he's LD and nothing can be done about it, I'd suggest you try to get him to have a full medical checkup. If nothing is found, then you have a decision to make.

Also, is he on any medications that would depress libido?

Of course, he may refuse the health check. And perhaps you've already tried this.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

jaharthur said:


> You didn't provide a time frame for things going downhill. Before concluding he's LD and nothing can be done about it, I'd suggest you try to get him to have a full medical checkup. If nothing is found, then you have a decision to make.
> 
> Also, is he on any medications that would depress libido?
> 
> Of course, he may refuse the health check. And perhaps you've already tried this.


We have been together going on 8 years now. Sex was great for the first 3 years. His weight was good for the first 3 years. Then, it got less frequent, and he gained more and more weight. 
He isn't on any meds (probably should be), and he refuses to go to the doctor because he knows with the weight he is carrying, there has to be damage. He wont talk about losing weight. He will literally yell at me to stop and storms off if I ever bring it up. 
I am constantly getting crap from his family and my family because of how unhealthy he has become. 
Its like one day, he just stopped caring. We went through a phase (and sometimes comes back to this) where he wont shower. He wears shorts and a t shirt every day to work (He is the VP of sales and marketing (he gets away with it though). He never wants to go out. He just doesn't care about anything. 

Him and I have had many talks about how sex is very important to me. And every time, its like talking to a wall. I offer myself on a platter for him. I miss foreplay, I miss intercourse, I miss blow jobs, I miss anal, and I miss the intimacy with him. BUT...he doesn't care.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Might want to have his blood checked. Maybe his T levels are in the dumpster.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i didn't read all the above posts. you sound young. too young to write off sex forever, or until your H loses weight. he conveniently manipulates the situation by getting angry to get you to back off. i see 3 choices:

- you go to MC together
- he goes to a dr. and loses weight
- you threaten him with divorce.

your exasperation will turn into resentment which will turn you into someone you never wanted to be.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Needy_Wife said:


> Maybe I am crazy for asking this, but leaving him because lack of sex as a Catholic, just seems a little extreme.


I recommend you search for MEM's thread on the thermostat approach. You have tried foregoing sex. And you have learned that it won't work. It's like trying to drink less than a camel. The camel will win.

The thermostat is about matching your husband's effort on things that are important to him. Your husband is the cool spouse. And you are the hot spouse. Together, you make up a warm marriage. But you're the one doing all the work.

So, what you do is cool off. If he's cool and you're also cool, then the marriage is cool. And he's more likely to notice that and not like it. When he notices, you tell him that you've decided to match his effort in the marriage. If he wants to put in some effort in an area that you care about, like sex or romance, then you will match his effort in an area that he cares about. If he's not willing to put in any effort in your area, then you don't worry about his area of need.

It's certainly less severe than divorce.

Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> Him and I have had many talks about how sex is very important to me. And every time, its like talking to a wall. I offer myself on a platter for him. I miss foreplay, I miss intercourse, I miss blow jobs, I miss anal, and I miss the intimacy with him. BUT...he doesn't care.


Wow. This hit me hard. That's strong stuff.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Wow. This hit me hard. That's strong stuff.


Guy may be cheating.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He is not cheating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Needy, is he having any ED issues?

That **** can mess with a guys mind, make him want to avoid sex and not discuss it.

Does he maintain an erection during PIV sex?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Needy, is he having any ED issues?
> 
> That **** can mess with a guys mind, make him want to avoid sex and not discuss it.
> 
> Does he maintain an erection during PIV sex?


He has never had any issues with that. Granted, its been a while since we've had had sex, every time I have given him a hand job or a blow job, he stays hard.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> He has never had any issues with that. Granted, its been a while since we've had had sex, every time I have given him a hand job or a blow job, he stays hard.


Very sorry to hear about your husband Needy ?? It seems as if he's just a selfish person who doesnt care for your needs :scratchhead: ??


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> He has never had any issues with that. Granted, its been a while since we've had had sex, every time I have given him a hand job or a blow job, he stays hard.


I suppose if it has not ever been an issue then he would not know if he has ED issues. However staying hard with a hand or blow job does not necessarily mean that there are not ED issues. My husband stays hard until penetration but without the aid of viagra the erection usually disappears at the attempt to penetrate. (Mostly, I think, because he is overweight so actually manouevring to achieve penetration is a bit of a palaver and not exactly sexy.)


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