# Life as a wife, or life fulfilled?



## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

I am seeking feedback from others who have experienced similar... First of all, I love my husband, we have similar interests, I really enjoy being with him, he is extremely kind, loving, supportive etc. The only problem is every time I want to do something for me (not us) he does something to sabotage it. I am 100% certain its not on purpose, and his actions aren't malicious, but the end result is the same. Because of his actions, I can't have hobbies or friends (I don't have a family). He says he wants me to have all these things, but it hasn't turned out so far, and I'm not asking much, just maybe one or two nights out a year where somehow I'd find friends that can accept I'd only see them once or twice a year, and do a tiny bit of art! It's been 20 years like this so the situation isn't going to change, and I've got to the stage where I feel empty of hope, and I feel I have to choose between being contented just having a life with him (which is wonderful - don't get me wrong), and doing things and having friends that could make make me more happy and fulfilled as a person. Maybe I'm being a brat and I'm not seeing how lucky I am to have a partner that tries his best to make me happy (when I'm with him), and in the grand scheme of things hobbies aren't that important and friends come and go?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

can you explain a little further how exactly he sabotages you doing things for yourself? Like give a few examples that have happened


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## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

We do all the usual stuff together, but I haven't 'gone out' or done anything for almost 2 years. I've only ever been with him or his family. Last week I wanted to go to a community event, its not something he was into, but he was totally ok with it and even started to look forward to it (it was a dress up thing - silly I know). But, then the night before, we went to his friends for dinner, he ended up drinking and staying up all night, I had to work the next day with 2hrs sleep and was to shattered and upset to go to the event. This is not the first time its happened due to this. We had a big argument, and we set in place a rule that if I wanted to do something, he needed to let me have a normal sleep the night before. To be honest he never goes out much either - but if he wanted to I would support him. So (full of hope) we we going to a bbq tonight (wow - two social outings planned in two weeks after two years doing nothing). Of course, he ended up staying up super late and I exhausted myself keeping on getting up and telling him to go to sleep. I know this probably sounds lame in comparison to others problems, but seriously - two nights in a year isnt like im living fancy-free and he knows how its making me feel about our marriage and its still happening.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Don't get up and tell him to go to sleep, let him ruin his day by not getting enough sleep. You should just worry about your own. If you have to work the next day and he won't leave a friend's house, take the car yourself or call a cab and go home yourself. You don't have to revolve your nights around him.


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## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but we live in a one bedroom cottage and I'm a light sleeper (even with ear plugs etc), we have one car, and as he's studying - only one wage, so no money for a cab. Also when he drinks (even a little bit) he sleep yells all night long, and if I wake him up (because the whole neighbourhood can hear), he doesn't properly wake up and gets super aggressive and angry and doesn't know what the heck is going on. Obviously it makes it hard just to leave him to his own devices when this happens! He's not even a tiny bit like this normally, and I've googled it its a sleep disorder that can be brought on by alcohol. He's only just now promised not to drink to prevent this, so that's a good thing, and hopefully one less thing on the list of things he can do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trin said:


> I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but we live in a one bedroom cottage and I'm a light sleeper (even with ear plugs etc), we have one car, and as he's studying - only one wage, so no money for a cab. Also when he drinks (even a little bit) he sleep yells all night long, and if I wake him up (because the whole neighbourhood can hear), he doesn't properly wake up and gets super aggressive and angry and doesn't know what the heck is going on. Obviously it makes it hard just to leave him to his own devices when this happens! He's not even a tiny bit like this normally, and I've googled it its a sleep disorder that can be brought on by alcohol. He's only just now promised not to drink to prevent this, so that's a good thing, and hopefully one less thing on the list of things he can do.


How often has he had these drunk events?

You now know that your husband has a problem with alcohol. So he should not drink at all.

From the outside looking in.. it looks like your husband is sabotaging you doing the things you want to do.

I know that you think he is not. But it is no coincidence that this same sort of thing happens repeatedly on the nights before you have something planned. I'm sure that he does not sit down and plot this. But subconsciously he has figured out how to keep you from having outside friends and activities.


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## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

So after going around in circles trying to figure out a way forward, I asked him what he would do if I 'by accident' prevented him from doing the things he loved. He said he'd leave me. I said I couldn't leave him as I loved him, but it was unfair that he was doing that to me. Long story short he just packed up and left me after 20 years. Just like that. All because I wanted to do one tiny thing for me. This has happened my whole life. My parents did a similar thing. I just feel so utterly worthless and I don't have a single person I can talk appart from this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trin said:


> So after going around in circles trying to figure out a way forward, I asked him what he would do if I 'by accident' prevented him from doing the things he loved. He said he'd leave me. I said I couldn't leave him as I loved him, but it was unfair that he was doing that to me. Long story short he just packed up and left me after 20 years. Just like that. All because I wanted to do one tiny thing for me. This has happened my whole life. My parents did a similar thing. I just feel so utterly worthless and I don't have a single person I can talk appart from this.


Do you mean just in the last few hours he left you?

Where did he go? Don't be surprised if he comes back.

What did your parents do? Why don't you have contact with them?

Can you get into counseling? you really need some support where you are.


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## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

Yep he just left. He's gone to his parents. My dad is very manipulative and violent. My mum is a shell of of a woman because of it and very resentful and bitter. When I tried to prevent him controlling me (even down to what make of car I could buy) suddenly I was the the worst person ever and threatened my life. So anyhow yet another depressing story. I just feel like although my father and family (they think I should contact him even after the threats because parents have a right to do whatever to their kids (even though I'm 35) and y husband have both controlled me (one is nice, one is abusive) and the second I stuck up for myself they crushed me. It's hard not to think it's me and that I'm worthless. I'm so sorry, I'm totally unloading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trin said:


> Yep he just left. He's gone to his parents. My dad is very manipulative and violent. My mum is a shell of of a woman because of it and very resentful and bitter. When I tried to prevent him controlling me (even down to what make of car I could buy) suddenly I was the the worst person ever and threatened my life. So anyhow yet another depressing story. I just feel like although my father and family (they think I should contact him even after the threats because parents have a right to do whatever to their kids (even though I'm 35) and *y husband have both controlled me (one is nice, one is abusive)* and the second I stuck up for myself they crushed me. It's hard not to think it's me and that I'm worthless. I'm so sorry, I'm totally unloading.


to clarify, are you saying that you have been married twice?

No it's not you in that you are not a bad person or worthless.

Instead you grew up in an abusive household so you did not learn to love and protect yourself.

You need to get into counseling and learn how to not allow this kind of person in your life. You can change that about yourself.

Look for a domestic abuse organization near you. they usually have low cost or no cost counseling and groups. 

Also you need to build a circle of friends, a support system.

If you live in the USA look at the site Find your people - Meetup See if you can find some things on there that you enjoy so you can get out and meet people.

I'll check back with you tomorrow. Have got to get to bed.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Honestly OP, he doesn't sound as "wonderful" as you described in your first post. He sounds manipulative and abusive. 

I say plan as many outings as you want to pursue. Especially now that he has bailed and run off to his parents' house. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So he just left you cause you said you want to start actually having a social life? And he gets drunk all the time and loud enough to the point where you can't sleep and he wakes the neighbors/everyone can hear him? And he left because you stated you want to go to a bbq? 

Trin, he sounds like an a$$ with a drinking problem, too.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

This state of isolation sounds unhealthy. The drinking and bullying are ruining your life.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Sounds to me like a massive mind-game, and that your husband is very threatened by the idea of you having an independent identity.

Please remember that it is not just normal, but healthy and desirable to want to maintain friendships and community ties, and to be true to your own needs and desires. Validate this in yourself; don't let anyone tell you different.


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## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

Thanks for all the feedback. It really helped me! Not saying life's gonna be easy, but I definitely needed the pep talk and a few home truths pointed out!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Sounds to me like a massive mind-game, and that your husband is very threatened by the idea of you having an independent identity.
> Please remember that it is not just normal, but healthy and desirable to want to maintain friendships and community ties, and to be true to your own needs and desires. Validate this in yourself; don't let anyone tell you different.


Yes, some of the best magic in our marriage is the mix we bring into each other’s lives. 

I especially enjoy what Ms. Spin adds from her book club and library groups. 

It’s perspective on life, the universe and everything that I’d never experience but for her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Think of....and LIST the positives: 

No more whiskers in the sink
YOU get ALL the closet space
You can have FRIENDS
You can dig into the art!!!
etc........


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

He Sounds highly insecure and not trusting. He missed growing up, I think. 

Take the time out to get involved with things you like. When he comes back, lay down the new rules for him to live with and grow up about. 

Thank him for the time out.

Until such a time that you decide, no more booze.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trin said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. It really helped me! Not saying life's gonna be easy, but I definitely needed the pep talk and a few home truths pointed out!


Trin, I'm checking on you. How are you doing?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Trin I just read this thread. I hope you are OK. 

You have been given great ideas from Ele. 

You are not at all unreasonable. It's perfectly reasonable to have friends and a hobby. 

He left you to manipulate you, he probably thinks you will cave and beg forgiveness. However it is he has done the wrong thing. He is such a manipulator. 

Good luck.


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## Trin (Feb 27, 2015)

Hey Ele yep I'm doing ok. Just thinking about things and trying to enjoy the weekend by myself. Sorry I didn't reply, I'm new and didn't realise there was a second page. Thanks for all your kind words and sage advice. It certainly helps when others think the same way as me! We'll see how things go. I don't want to give up on the marriage, but things definitely need to change. I'm going to spend some serious time considering if I feel things can change before he's coming anywhere near me!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry he's treated you like this. Isolating you is a technique used by abusers to keep your reliant on them. I'm so glad he left! Can you change the locks quickly? Has he ever been violent before?

Calling a domestic violence hotline is a really good idea. They'll be able to help you develop a plan, and hopefully hook you up with a good counselor (definitely start seeing a counselor!).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

spread your wings and fly.

the song free bird comes to mind.

time to start living for you.


good luck I see a happy future for you!


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