# My Wife Has Been Gone 4-1/2 Months!! HELP



## desperatevan (Oct 28, 2009)

Hi – My wife moved out 4-1/2 months ago after 5 years of marriage. We’ve been together 10 years. I’m completely devastated and an emotional mess. I’m 45 & my wife is 36. We started counseling in September. Initially I suggest it but my wife didn’t want to go but in mid September she decided to give it a try. It hasn’t been helping at all. I’m still going on my own but now my wife refuses to go anymore. We have said that we were going to try and patch things up and mend our ways several times but we haven’t been able to maintain any momentum and longest period of time we’ve actually tried to right things is about 2 weeks at which point my wife (and I to a certain degree) give up and she says it’s over. This has happened 3 or 4 times since August. We both still love each other deeply and are best friends but due to various circumstances there is a huge distance between us that seems to be no hope of closing. A few days ago my wife basically said that was our last try and she wants a divorce. 

Our troubles started 2 years ago. My wife had a one night stand with a co-worker while I was away on business. 2 years ago when this happened she told me it was just a kiss and nothing else and I believed her. In September just before she asked to start counseling she finally came clean and told me what actually happened. They had sex. I was floored that it took her more than 2 years to finally tell truth and she was very sorry and told me that’s when she started having doubts about our marriage. We were living apart quite a bit then because of her work & my work and undoubtedly that was a contributing factor to her having an affair. I know she is very sorry but she won’t forgive herself for letting this happen. I have forgiven her, I know for sure now I have in my heart but she will not forgiven herself. I also made things worse but confronting this person after a night of drinking and me feeling very depressed. This type of behavior is not typically for me. Anyway I made an ass of myself by confronting this person, my wife forgave me and then we said we would attempt things again. That lasted about 3 weeks. I’m doing my best to not push her and take things at her pace but now she says she loves me but doesn’t feel “it” when we’re close. We haven’t been intimate since she left home but I’ve stayed with her several nights, holding each other and trying to rekindle the flame. Another issue (this is a long story) was that we had been trying to get pregnant from August of 2008 to July of 2009. We then started going down the IVF path. We had already made 3 visits to the clinic for orientation, etc and we were scheduled to start IVF about 1 week before she left. Because of the difficulties in getting pregnant we both were stressed and at times the sex became like work and wasn’t enjoyable. It was a very difficult time for both of us. I had a difficult time coming to grips with my own lack of fertility. 

I am now doing my best to give my wife space again for a few weeks hoping she may have a change of heart but at this point I’m wondering how much more in limbo I can handle. I’m terribly stressed and feel desperate. I have conveyed this desperation to my wife several times. I know I shouldn’t do this and that I’m giving away my power and self-esteem but at times my emotions get the best of me. I do know we still love each other and are best friends but my marriage is hanging by a thread and I really don’t know what to do. Normally I’m a very relaxed person and have very little stress in my life but the last 4 and a bit months I have been feeling horrible with the stress. We’re both professional people and my wife has a very high stress job which only makes things worse at times. I’m completely lost and really don’t want to lose my wife but it seems inevitable. HELP???


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I have a similar situation to yours. My wife cheated on me, I have forgiven her but she will not forgive herself.

We have been through a great deal of counseling together. You must do that!

Is your wife still in contact with the other man? I smell something funny here - she must cease all contact with him or there is no hope in saving your marriage. She would otherwise just be playing her options and keeping you as an alternative if the affair doesn't work out. I would bet that she has cheated on you far more than once with this guy and she has not admitted it fully.

Good luck!


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## desperatevan (Oct 28, 2009)

No - she has cut off contact with that other person. I do know with out a doubt that she has not cheated any other time. I believe her. It did take her 2 years to tell the the truth but I do believe her. The other person is now 2500 miles away and there is no contact via email or phone. She has told me face to face that she has cut off contact and I do believe her and trust her. She is having difficulty forgiving herself and IMO this is preventing her from fully committing to repair our marriage. I know she wants to do it but she is really struggling with how.... as am I.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you have to consider the possibility that your wife is a truth dribbler.

A kiss turns out two years later to be a one nighter? maybe there is far more to this yet to be revealed.

The counseling may not have worked because she couldn't stand the pressure to cough up the real truth.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Tell her to reveal everything and that there is nothing she can say that will keep you from loving her. And mean it.

As I mentioned, my wife still hasn't forgiven herself. This is the horrible situation I'm in right now and don't know what to do about it. She is on medication, maybe your wife needs that too?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Sven said:


> I smell something funny here - she must cease all contact with him or there is no hope in saving your marriage.


Space requests are very frequently a cover for time with a lover.

I do not see guilt manifesting itself this way.


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