# My husband is a diabetic. Need advice.



## lillypie

Although I am new to this, I am really in need of major advice everyone. 

My husband is in his early 30's, extremely diabectic, and refuses to take care of his self. He has already had major health problems from vision, toe amputation and ED. I have tried to look past all of his because I love him. 

The problem is, I dont know how to explain that love anymore. I love him like I love my family. I dont feel I am in love with him. The fact that I care so much for him is the reason I have not left. He has had all the medical issues for years. 

I have had some insecurity issues and have tried to work them out. I have tried to lose weight and stop smoking and do better for both of us but he fights my challenges all the time. He does not want to changes his ways as far as eating right and stopping the smoking. He says, "if i am going to die, i am going to die happy". 

I stop and realize, is he seriously making that comment to me? His wife. The person that he should want to live for and be happy with... I see him as selfish and inconsiderate. I really want out but then I feel like I am the selfish and inconsiderate one. Marriage should be forever, thru sickness and in health. But I feel so confused. 

I mean, is his it for me? Is this my life? I feel so unhappy and miserable at 30. Any opnions or advice?

No kids or anything.


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## Waking up to life

How long have you been married? How long has he been diabetic?


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## lillypie

We have been married 9 years. Together 10. He lied to me about being in the beginning and finally accepted it about 2 years into our marriage. I have tried to help him but he is more materialistic then anything. He also does not treat me as I am his wife, more as a roommate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waking up to life

This is completely unfair to you. The whole "in sickness and in health" goes out the window when the one who is "sick" CHOOSES not to help themselves and chooses to allow their disease kill them when ultimately he COULD be much healthier and live a longer and happier life. He's choosing to wallow in his own misery and he's content to drag you down with him. He is in HORRIBLE shape for being in his early 30's!! I know 80 year olds in better health than that. You are not obligated to be his enabler and caretaker. He's being inconsiderate of your needs and shows a blatant disrespect for his own life. How could he expect you to respect him when he doesn't respect himself? 

I would sit down with him and tell him he MUST make a serious 180 in his attitude about his health. Give him a timeline with certain expectation (for example, within 3 months I want to see you checking your bloodsugar every day and you must see a dietician to get your diet under better control). Tell him if he fails to put in reasonable efforts to take better care of himself, you will leave.


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## Toffer

lilly,

First of all, is it type 1 or type 2 diabetes?

Not sure how much reading you've done on diabetes but here's what you (and he) have to look forward to if he keeps ignoring this health issue:

Blindness
Aditional amputations (usually toes and feet to start)
Kidney failure and endless dialysis tretaments
Heart disease to including stents or anioplasty (if he's "lucky") and possibly By-Pass surgery

What is your health insurance like?

You will spend the rest of your life being a care giver to someone who dosen't care for himself.

I really think the best thing you could do would to be give him an ultimatium that either he starts to manage his illness or your out. I would pick up some literature on planning his own funeral and put it in front of him if he refuses to get help. Tell him you'll help him with this final planning process so someone else doesn't have to a couple of years down the road but after that's complete, you're going to move on because you can't stand by as he continues to speed up his death.

Your too young to have your life going this way!


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## Riven

If you are staying with him simply to take care of him, then you need and deserve to leave. A husband having diabetes should not be the deciding factor if you stay or go.

If he didn't have diabetes and everything else was the same would you leave or stay? Diabetes doesn't cause people to treat the people the love poorly. You can always go for an ultimatum before you leave so you can know you tried. It's not fair for you to feel like you're not being loved the way you need, or for you to be caring for him when he doesn't seem to care at all about himself or his health.


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## lillypie

I want to thank everyone for the post and their thoughts and concerns. My mind lately has been driving me crazy. But I wanted to give you all some input. 

He is a type 2 diabetic. He has had it for longer than he will admit. The thing is. I think I am already at the conclusion that I want out but just dont know how. I am sure the whole "give him an ultimatum" opion is out of the question. I am literally scared of the outcome. 

The problem is, he has told me in the last that he would do harm to his self. I cant really go on with that and then something happen. I would hate myself.

My question is, has anyone heard of people in a similar situation? What are the thoughts that run in someones mind when your wife leaves? What are the chances of him trying to do somehing to him or me?

I feel like this is holding me down so much. I have even told him I feel like im in grade school with my parent checking up on me at all times. I also feel real selfish at the same time. How do I attempt to tell him with out him flipping out on me? I feel like the right way would be in person, but I dont see it as an option at this point.


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## deejov

I"m a type 1, for 25 years. 
I am not blind, or have any other major issues. My mother has had it for almost 50 years, and she's legally blind. My son now has it. 

It seems ridiculous, but there's a common turn when a diabetic gets complications.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, they happen. When they do, one thinks "why should I bother anymore... the damage is already done". My mom went through this. 

So, this might not be popular... but here goes:
He can choose to eat whatever he wants. He can treat it with insulin. Lots of type 2's take insulin, it works well and I firmly believe you don't have to stay on a diet your whole life because you are diabetic.

You just have to find a plan that fits YOUR lifestyle and eating habits.

It wont' help with heart disease. But control the sugars with meds.
There is nothing wrong with it. Plain old walking is a wonderful thing for diabetics. Keeps the circulation going in the legs.

Someone who has felt bad for a long time doesn't know what feeling good is anymore. There are websites that support people, motivation, etc. But it's his choice. They will also offer a 2x4 when needed.

It's not for everyone, to stay with someone with a chronic condition. Nothing wrong with that. No judgements from me, as someone who DOES understand both sides of the fence. 

If you are set on leaving, think hard about the most respectfull way to do it. Separate first or are you thinking otherwise?


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## Waking up to life

Is he abusive? Has he ever harmed you or indicated he could resort to that? If so, you need to call your local women's shelter for help on how to keep yourself safe when you leave him. As far as his threats to harm himself, that is COMPLETE and TOTAL manipulation and control. 

I would implore you to read the book "Codependent No More". It addresses all of those questions you asked and will help set your mind in the right way of thinking.


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## Riven

Dear Lily,

Your pain must be horrible. The first thing that you need to learn in mental health is that you can not control other people's ideas, and a person's choice is their own. Everyone is faced with difficulties in life, how they handle them is their own though. No matter what happens that he does, it is NOT your fault. You can't control him, he is a grown man who needs to make his own choices. You have stayed longer than YOU deserve. Be free. 

The way to do it is simple and to the point. Find someplace to go, pack your things, everything that is yours so you don't need to return, and simply tell him you are gone, you can not take this anymore and walk out the door. Do not negotiate, do not argue, and do not look back. If it makes it easier, pack all of your things when he is gone, and meet him at the door walking past. 

Remember, HE is responsible for his actions, NOT YOU!


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## lillypie

Well, I do want to think of the most respectful way of going at it. 

I have diabetes in my family. I have been scared since teens of getting it. I have found myself checking my sugar more ofen than him. I have been trying to keep up with my healthy habits and exercise as much as I choose to for myself. I cannot, for the life of me, convince him to eat what I eat, not even try anything new. I do believe he needs insulin, but it is out of the question for him. 

If he atleast tried, I dont think I would feel the way I do.


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## BrockLanders

He has already lost a toe. What more does he need to wake up? Honestly, maybe losing you would wake him up. He says he wants to die happy, but how happy are you watching a man you care for throw his life away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lillypie

We have had arguements in the past that have led to physical contact. Although he always denys this. Once I tried leaving him a few years ago, he begged and pleaded for me to stay. He physially held me down and put a lot of pressure on my throat. He doesnt seem to "remember" that, but I will never forget it. He also caused damage to the walls of our house at that time. He promised everything would get better and he would change, but nothing did. It slowy went back to the same thing, his normal. 

In recent years he has not got any attitude or anything. But then like a month ago, we got home to find our dog had ruined the couch by scratching on the surface of the seat. I understand puppies need extensive training to get use to, and he was still a puppy. He does not understand that. He flipped our whole couch over (an L shaped couch) and tried to kick the puppy. I did not want that to happen. He doesnt think of the consequences of that before hand. My puppy ran out and hid beside me, and as he was about to kick him, I pushed him. Well, I didnt mean to push him in he first place. Bu the fact that he had his leg high in the air (a full force kick) is the reason he fell on his back. He then got up and acted like he was going to close fist hit me. I cried and begged for him not to. He was so mad, I ran out with my puppy in hand. 

So, if he gets that way about a couch, I sincerely believe he would flip out on me, yes.


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## Waking up to life

Ok so YES he is abusive. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP 1-800-799-SAFE or visit their website National Domestic Violence Hotline. Contact them ASAP. Your husband sounds very unstable and you need to get out of that situation while you're still ALIVE.


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## somethingelse

Sounds like hasn't been fair to you from the beginning. Lying about his condition and the rest of it. I don't want to say "leave him" or anything...but it sounds like he is self destructive. He thinks that by ignoring his conditions and smoking he's having more fun? 

He's allowing himself to be defeated by diabetes..and in the meantime, he's causing you unnecessary stress and you have to cater him like you're his mom

What have you been thinking about doing if you do end up leaving your H?


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## lillypie

My initial thought would be to go and stay at a friends house. They have offered to help me get on my feet and they are MY friends who I have known for years, since pre teen. He does not like them, never has. The only thing is, they have 3 kids and I would hate to cause any trouble in or around their house. I have also considered just looking in the classifieds for room mate deals. 

I would want to also leave my current job and get one he does not know about. I have had this job for 7 years now and would hate to have to do that, but I dont think I have any other choice.


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## somethingelse

Well, in the very least, I would say do yourself some good and take a break from him. See how you feel. Would he be shocked if you left or is this "a long time coming" type of thing for him? How do you think he will react if you tell him your plans to leave?


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## OrangeCrush

lillypie said:


> The problem is, he has told me in the last that he would do harm to his self. I cant really go on with that and then something happen. I would hate myself.


I had an ex who did something similar. he had a violent temper so i moved out while he was at work one night. he then left me several voicemails and texts saying that he was going to kill himself if i didn't come back right away. 

i called him back and said i'm sorry you're struggling with your mental health right now, and i'm going to call the police/911 to go to your house and make sure you're safe since you are talking about suicide. he freaked out and admitted he was just saying those things about killing himself in order to threaten me into coming back and that he would never actually do it. 

Whether your husband is suicidal or just making threats to hold you hostage, i would recommend doing the same thing. When he makes those statements, tell him you will call the authorities if you feel he needs help keeping himself safe. if he is seriously thinking of killing himself or hurting himself, let the trained professionals handle it and help him. if he is just trying to manipulate you, he won't make that mistake again after a cop car or ambulance shows up at his house.


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## Alexandria

OKay, if we are all going to die and we should die happy, then why should you live and then die and then you will die unhappy with him. Use his own advice. We all die, why not die happy? You are not happy with a selfish man who refuses to take care of himself to the point where he is losing limbs. I mean Jesus, how selfish of him. He cleary has chosen this unhealthy life over you. Move on and let him die happy.






lillypie said:


> Although I am new to this, I am really in need of major advice everyone.
> 
> My husband is in his early 30's, extremely diabectic, and refuses to take care of his self. He has already had major health problems from vision, toe amputation and ED. I have tried to look past all of his because I love him.
> 
> The problem is, I dont know how to explain that love anymore. I love him like I love my family. I dont feel I am in love with him. The fact that I care so much for him is the reason I have not left. He has had all the medical issues for years.
> 
> I have had some insecurity issues and have tried to work them out. I have tried to lose weight and stop smoking and do better for both of us but he fights my challenges all the time. He does not want to changes his ways as far as eating right and stopping the smoking. He says, "if i am going to die, i am going to die happy".
> 
> I stop and realize, is he seriously making that comment to me? His wife. The person that he should want to live for and be happy with... I see him as selfish and inconsiderate. I really want out but then I feel like I am the selfish and inconsiderate one. Marriage should be forever, thru sickness and in health. But I feel so confused.
> 
> I mean, is his it for me? Is this my life? I feel so unhappy and miserable at 30. Any opnions or advice?
> 
> No kids or anything.


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## PieceOfSky

lillypie said:


> I also feel real selfish at the same time.


That's not fair to you.

Selfish is a tricky word. People seem to remember there is "unhealthy-selfish", but some never learn there is also "healthy-selfish".

Your husband's desire to live miserably and chain you to it is an example of unhealthy-selfishness.

Your desire to have a peaceful happy life is a healthy-selfishness. 

You are entitled.


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## PieceOfSky

lillypie said:


> I would want to also leave my current job and get one he does not know about. I have had this job for 7 years now and would hate to have to do that, but I dont think I have any other choice.


Why? Are you afraid he will cause problems for you with your current employer?


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## PieceOfSky

lillypie said:


> We have had arguements in the past that have led to physical contact. Although he always denys this. Once I tried leaving him a few years ago, he begged and pleaded for me to stay. He physially held me down and put a lot of pressure on my throat. He doesnt seem to "remember" that, but I will never forget it. He also caused damage to the walls of our house at that time. He promised everything would get better and he would change, but nothing did. It slowy went back to the same thing, his normal.
> 
> In recent years he has not got any attitude or anything. But then like a month ago, we got home to find our dog had ruined the couch by scratching on the surface of the seat. I understand puppies need extensive training to get use to, and he was still a puppy. He does not understand that. He flipped our whole couch over (an L shaped couch) and tried to kick the puppy. I did not want that to happen. He doesnt think of the consequences of that before hand. My puppy ran out and hid beside me, and as he was about to kick him, I pushed him. Well, I didnt mean to push him in he first place. Bu the fact that he had his leg high in the air (a full force kick) is the reason he fell on his back. He then got up and acted like he was going to close fist hit me. I cried and begged for him not to. He was so mad, I ran out with my puppy in hand.
> 
> So, if he gets that way about a couch, I sincerely believe he would flip out on me, yes.


You are wise to be concerned about physical abuse when you try to leave, because he has already grossly violated you.

I agree with the other poster you need to contact the hotline. You need -immediately - the help of expert professionals who have dealt with this sort of thing dozens of times per year.


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## just got it 55

lillypie said:


> Although I am new to this, I am really in need of major advice everyone.
> 
> My husband is in his early 30's, extremely diabectic, and refuses to take care of his self. He has already had major health problems from vision, toe amputation and ED. I have tried to look past all of his because I love him.
> 
> The problem is, I dont know how to explain that love anymore. I love him like I love my family. I dont feel I am in love with him. The fact that I care so much for him is the reason I have not left. He has had all the medical issues for years.
> 
> I have had some insecurity issues and have tried to work them out. I have tried to lose weight and stop smoking and do better for both of us but he fights my challenges all the time. He does not want to changes his ways as far as eating right and stopping the smoking. He says, "if i am going to die, i am going to die happy".
> 
> I stop and realize, is he seriously making that comment to me? His wife. The person that he should want to live for and be happy with... I see him as selfish and inconsiderate. I really want out but then I feel like I am the selfish and inconsiderate one. Marriage should be forever, thru sickness and in health. But I feel so confused.
> 
> I mean, is his it for me? Is this my life? I feel so unhappy and miserable at 30. Any opnions or advice?
> 
> No kids or anything.


Just save your own life This sounds like a toxic environment


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## PieceOfSky

lillypie,

How are you?


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## lillypie

PieceOfSky said:


> lillypie,
> 
> How are you?



I've been ok. I've appreciate your concern.

I have taken in a lot of this feed back I have gotten from everyone. I have realized that I don't want in this marriage anymore. At all. My problem is getting out. Its going to be terribly hard. 

You know, til this day I sit there and constantly catch myself judging every single thing he does. I hate to say but he disgust me. In general. I judge his eating habits, financial choices. Even his clumsiness and motor skills. 

Its a horrible feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lillypie

Alexandria said:


> OKay, if we are all going to die and we should die happy, then why should you live and then die and then you will die unhappy with him. Use his own advice. We all die, why not die happy? You are not happy with a selfish man who refuses to take care of himself to the point where he is losing limbs. I mean Jesus, how selfish of him. He cleary has chosen this unhealthy life over you. Move on and let him die happy.


This statement had helped me more than you will every know. 

Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## burnedoutd

I can understand what you go through and the huge struggle that it is to leave or not to leave. I found this article that has brought me a lot of comfort when trying to make the decision to leave or stay--and comfort I need because I have chosen to stay for now. Diabetes and Marriage. Defining "In Sickness and in Health" and When Is It OK to Say You're Done? - Burnt Apple


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