# hi



## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

The last my H and I talked about working things out, he said he thinks we need to be friends first, (while he is still seeing the OW.) what the heck? I was his wife, thats more than being friends. I can barely stand being around him, for this reason. The only way I could try to work on things, is if he left the OW. Has this happened to anyone else, where you work on your marriage while you are still with the other person. It makes no sense to me. He doesn't want to lose her, in case things don't go well with us. Which means he doesn't love me enough, and doesn't think I am worth that risk. It is just so hard to give up. I know kids get through this, but it wasn't suppose to happen to me. How can he be attracted to another woman, who knew he was married, with children, what kind of woman is she?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would be asking the question of what kind of man is he? He keeps her around in case it doesn't work with you. Bulls*it is what I would say.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

He is trying to put off doing anything at all. You need to establish that he is not allowed to be married and have a mistress. This is not acceptable behavior!

Are you willing to go on a limb and tell him he either leaves her, or leaves the house?


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## saagarika (Oct 19, 2008)

my case is worser than your's tlee.my husband promised me that going forward he'll be clean from all of his past errors(of having multiple affairs-mostly emotional and some physical).but what i dont understand is whether he meant any of his words seriously.he pretends to be normal but he's really not................these affairs have torn us apart.we stay under the same roof without any actual love or happiness. i feel it's a lot better to walk out on cheaters and particularly serial cheaters.try to be objective than being subjective.since being subjective will only make you feel bad and will take you nowhere.good luck n my prayers are with you.


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## saagarika (Oct 19, 2008)

saagarika said:


> my case is worser than your's tlee.my husband promised me that going forward he'll be clean from all of his past errors(of having multiple affairs-mostly emotional and some physical).but what i dont understand is whether he meant any of his words seriously.he pretends to be normal but he's really not................these affairs have torn us apart.we stay under the same roof without any actual love or happiness. I feel it's a lot better to walk out on cheaters and particularly serial cheaters.try to be objective than being subjective.since being subjective will only make you feel bad and will take you nowhere.good luck n my prayers are with you.


if you don't stand for something you'll fall for evrything


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

wow women you need to tell him keep her and move on he is so playing you. Thats not right you are his number one not her seriously.


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## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

If it weren't for the kids, I would never want to see him again. My friend tells me I can't want him back for the sake of the kids, but I would for that, plus we have over a 20 yr history, and I don't want this other woman in my kids life and taking over my life. He has caused me so much pain, I don't know why I would want him back. I know I should just divorce him, but it is so hard to go there. I feel the OW would be winning. I am just so confused. I feel I am being a b*tch when I tell him not to come around, but I try to be out or stay in my room when he is here. He already thinks I am a "B" by my attitude, and I try to explain that he created this attitude in me, by the things he has done to me. We just don't understand each other.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tlee said:


> If it weren't for the kids, I would never want to see him again. My friend tells me I can't want him back for the sake of the kids, but I would for that, plus we have over a 20 yr history, and I don't want this other woman in my kids life and taking over my life. He has caused me so much pain, I don't know why I would want him back. I know I should just divorce him, but it is so hard to go there. I feel the OW would be winning. I am just so confused. I feel I am being a b*tch when I tell him not to come around, but I try to be out or stay in my room when he is here. He already thinks I am a "B" by my attitude, and I try to explain that he created this attitude in me, by the things he has done to me. We just don't understand each other.


The other woman would not be "winning." You would be freeing yourself and making yourself available to another man-one who will make you the center of his world-NOT SECOND BEST.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

:iagree:

Don't stick around because you don't want the other woman in your kids life - unfortunately she already is in a round about way. 

Make yourself happy and your kids will be happier in the long run. You can't work on a marriage if the OW is involved. She has to go...or he has to.


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## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

tlee said:


> If it weren't for the kids, I would never want to see him again. My friend tells me I can't want him back for the sake of the kids, but I would for that, plus we have over a 20 yr history, and I don't want this other woman in my kids life and taking over my life. He has caused me so much pain, I don't know why I would want him back. I know I should just divorce him, but it is so hard to go there. I feel the OW would be winning. I am just so confused. I feel I am being a b*tch when I tell him not to come around, but I try to be out or stay in my room when he is here. He already thinks I am a "B" by my attitude, and I try to explain that he created this attitude in me, by the things he has done to me. We just don't understand each other.


Hi,

Can I ask how is your relationship with your husband today? Perhaps another way to approach this problem is to take a perspective evaluation at your marriage. How is the intimacy? The communication? The fun, purpose? Sometimes after 20 years in marriage and with kids, things can change along the way.

And what exactly does he mean when he says to be friends first? Friendship bonding within marriage has strong points too.

And yes, I do not condone he having to stick to OW for the time being. 

Take care
KBobby


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## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

Kbobby...we do not live together, but he still comes and goes, he just doesnt sleep here, and we havent been intimate since he left over 2 yrs ago, and I have no desire to be, he actually makes me ill. The problem IS the OW, he knows how I feel, but doesn't understand, why I cant be civil and have feelings for him while he is sleeping with her. If he left her, omg, it would take major work, probably therapy, I wouldnt know how to start. I have tried to feel for him, while he is with her, but it is just not in me, the pain overrides. He needs to show me I am the only woman for him, and he hasnt and wont do that, supposeably because of the past issues that he doesnt see changing and my attitude now, which is due to the pain he has caused me, but he is blind to my feelings.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

tlee said:


> but he is blind to my feelings.


of course he is blind to your feelings because he has moved on .
its you thats blind to his feelings.
you have to let him go.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Let me see if I hear this right...you have been separated for 2 years, and he has been seeing this woman the whole time, and of course at least a little time before you seperated....why does he even still want to work on it? Why do you? For the kids is not the answer. Look at what they are seeing right now!? Do you think that is a good example for them of what a marriage should be like? They feel your feelings, no matter how you try to hide it...they feel it. What is the story you are giving them about your relationship? I think it is far past time to call it quits. Why is he even requesting that he can still see the other woman...isn't that what he's done the whole time? Why ask for it, if it's already happening? And why are you putting up with it? Don't you have some sort of vision for your future happiness? Most likely without him? It seems as though you are at a stale mate, make the next move....end it or demand his complete effort with no other woman involved. 

You might find the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, helpful. It even talks about when the cheater wants to continue seeing the other woman and "work" on the marriage.


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## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

raising5boyz...,he isnt requesting to see the ow, he does what he wants. I have tried tough love on several occasions, but again, he does what he wants. I cant control him or keep him from coming around, when the house is part his and he pays the bills. I am the one stuck, I cant leave, I have nowhere to go, and no job to support myself. The kids have met the ow and figure, its their dad, so it must be ok. They are 12 and 16. I have put off the divorce due to financial and health ins reasons, but it is killing me. I told him leave her or leave me alone. He doesnt listen.


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