# Met someone I like, starting to push her away...why?



## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

Seperated 4+ months. We have a Property Settlement Agreement in place. We are moving full speed ahead with a divorce; no reconciliation talks at all. Marriage was emotionally over 1-2 years ago. 

I felt ready to date so I did; I went out on 1-2 dates with 3-4 woman I met online no chemistry really.

I met someone online 5 weeks ago. She knows I am seperated. We chatted over email for 2 weeks; great chemistry, I found her very interesting and intriquing. We met, instant chemistry, instant WOW for both of us. 

We have been on 4-5 dates over 2+ weeks and each one was better than the last. The dates were 2-3 hours, meet for a drink after work kind of dates. Her job and mine really do not allow us to spend a lot of long periods together, which I like for now. We started texting, more how is your day kind of texts, which I think are sweet...never did this before even with the soon to be ex. 

Lots of good conversation, kissing, playing, talking, etc. I am not a touchy feeling affectionate person at all, I have been with her though and it feels great. She has 14 year old son and is divorced and has been for a long time. No drama at all that I can see or find. Strangely I find myself feeling kind of jealous, maybe it's hurt, that we cannot spend more time together because of her son. I do not like feeling this way as I know it's me, not her. 

Literally in a matter of 24 hours I found myself feeling strange on our last date. Almost distant and I was picking out her physical flaws. I have done this in the past with 2-3 other woman (soon to be ex, other serious relationships prior to my marriage) and I do not understand why I do it. This woman makes me laugh, I care about her, I like her and it's been wonderful...until last night and today. Yesterday we spent our first day date together (4 hour wine festival adventure then lunch) and I was feeling distant and not close. I forced myself to be affectionate and touchy feely knowing in the past I was not this way when I had this same feelings with someone. it seemed to help but I still feel strange all of a sudden.

Part of me thinks I am trying to push her away; though I do not know why. I do not feel like she is a rebound. 

What's happening here? This has happened to me in the past; only with someone I start to feel close to though. I goes great for for 4-5 weeks and then I start to "break" them down finding their flaws. I do not like this and want to stop as I know it's not real. 

Is she my future wife? No idea, way too soon to tell. Though I do want to spend time with her, get to know her more and see where this goes. I am afraid my flaw finding is going to prevent this from happening...and want to stop this and figure out how to get over it. She is a beautiful woman and for 4+ weeks that is all I see, her inner and outer beauty. No I am "knocking down" her outer beauty. 

I am going thru a family issue with my mom and dad; dad has demensia and is not doing well..wondering if this is affecting my mood/feelings. Mom mom is really hurting and struggling. The soon to be ex will finally be moving all of her furniture out this week too...wondering if that is on my mind and affecting my current mind state. 

Anybody else ever feel this way? What can I do as I do not want to push this person away over my weirdnesses.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Right girl, wrong time kind of situation.

It's too soon to make a long term relationship for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like you aren't ready to date yet. Just be honest with her.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

_If you really like this girl and want a potential relationship from this, then it is important to establish trust and honesty at the outset. This is the perfect opportunity to do so. Let her know that you're going through a weird period in your life. Be honest with both her and yourself in that you have no idea why you are behaving out of sorts.  At least let her know what's going on. Don't leave her in the dark. You probably hear this all the time as everyone says it but it's true for all that letting those around you know what's troubling you or at the very least just letting them know that you're troubled helps immensely. You don't have to go into the details of your parents and divorce if you don't want to but just letting her know that those issues are present in your life may give her some understanding and empathy with regards to your current state of mind. Saying everything's fine to her but continuing to carry on the way you are will give her mixed signals. She'll then become more concerned and self-conscious about herself in wondering why you're hiding things from her. Again, it all goes back to wanting to start this relationship off on the right foot. Do things right in the beginning like establishing trust and honesty and even if the relationship fizzles after a time, at least you went about it in the right way. Whereas, if you don't start off on the right foot and the relationship DOES turn into something, then you're out of luck as you can't go back to the beginning and establish everything anew.

As for the nit picking about her physically, I have a feeling that's coming from your defenses and fears. You've got a lot going on in your life right now including a divorce which, let's face it, canonly kill your romance buzz. My guess is you're overly focused and analytical about her because you actually like her, which is, believe it or not, a good thing! I think you're wanting to make sure she's what you want and in order to do that with anything in life we want, we have to scrutinize it and find flaws that we may not have seen had we been impulsive and just dove right in, whether it's buying a new car or starting a new, serious relationship. This way, when you're already committed to something or someone, you don't find those flaws AFTER the fact and then have a whole panic attack because since you've already committed, there's no way out of it. By criticizing and finding flaws, you're actually determining whether or not this is something you'll be able to tolerate before things get too serious or committed. Once you've identified them, you need to make the decision of whether or not any of it are dealbreakers. Basically, what you're feeling and doing is normal. You're actually being more careful and considerate of this relationship than I think you realize and that these funny feelings are actually healthy and helpful to you if you're able to come to understand them. _


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

she is a rebound.....you may not notice it now but you will in the future, nobody realizes a rebound while its happening


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback. 

I feel like a couple of the girls I went out with were rebounds as it got intense quick and I pulled away. It felt sexual in nature versus a relationship. 

With this girl, there is a sexual connection though there is also a deeper conenction which I felt over email and when we first met. We both talked about this. 

The date where I started to feel strange was the first time I picked her up at her place. We met out for our dates prior.

Though I felt strange, I enjoyed being with her and we had a great night as I was working through my "strangeness" as I know it's me, not her. She did not change between dates. 

She IS the first girl I have been out with for more than 3 dates and is the only girl I have wanted to go with for more than 3 dates.

I went thru this with my soon to be ex too, and I was 6+ years out of a serious relationship wen I met her so I do not think that was a rebound either.

So, I am hearing folks say these feelings are kind of normal? It's not me being selfish, materialistic, "Picky", etc?


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

Wanting to learn more about rebounds, I found this interesting article on rebounds:

The Rebound Relationship -- Why 'Damaged' Doesn't Mean 'Doomed' - Lemondrop.com

I am not convinced this is a rebound issue with me as I have done this before with other woman I dated. It's almost like a make or break point for me...maybe a fear of intimacy, getting close, getting hurt...I do not know. What I know now that I did not recognize in past relationships is this is me, not the other person. 

I like everything about this person thus far; I am sure I will discover things I am not crazy about, I am realistic and know it's not about perfection. I just wish I knew why I did this in my head.....why I start to find "imperfections" in them and harp on them in my mind.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You remind me of the time I spent without the missus shortly after I cheated on her years ago before we got married. I simply couldn't find a replacement, I've tried and tried, in the end I kept seeing all their flaws and ended up ditching them, and seducing the next babe, before ditching her, and so on and so on. 

After a while it got so bad to the point I couldn't even find them attractive because I saw the flaws straight away. To be honest if the missus didn't forgive me, I wonder where I would be now.


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

RandomDude, I do not think this is about sex though I understand your point. The soon to be ex and I had little to no sex the last 2 years of our marriage. I never wandered or cheated; though the idea was appealing I simply could not do it. I am glad your misses forgave you. 

Just "talking" about this here has made me feel a little better. I have a lot of other things on my mind..some have settled a bit today and I find myself thinking about her more positively today. 

The soon to be ex's stuff still being in my house is on my mind; I have wanted to invite my new interest over for dinner though I have not because of this. I think once all of her stuff is gone I will feel much more "single" and have the last "step" behind me, except for the actual divorce. 

In addition she has never asked about my pending divorce; I brought it up yesterday as I wanted her to hear about it plus I almost felt like I was witholding info. She said she was curious and figured I would share when I was ready. She talked a little more about one of her previous relationships that I was not aware of too.


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

UPDATE: I have been doing some reading on codependency and I have it. I had a great session with my therapist yesterday. 

This is not a rebound, it's me having racing thoughts in my head as I exhibit codependency. The solution: learn to replace the thoughts with new, positive ones and/or simply self talk the thoughts away. Learn to flip the switch; it's going to take a LONG time. 

We went out again last night and it was wonderful. She was as beautiful to me as she was when I first met her. Lots of affection, talking, laughing..it was great. I had a couple of moments where my racing thoughts came into my head...and I pushed them out..and it worked!

My therapist states, and I agree, I need to continue spending time with this woman, work through my codependency and intimacy issues and not run away or push her away. It's not the wrong girl at the wrong time.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Why are you wanting to get into another relationship when you aren't divorced yet? 

Dating is just that. You go out, and if there's something there you don't like you move on. It maybe weird stuff, but that's dating. Have fun, make friends. If there is sex involved, then let it be sex. You don't have to get emotionally all tied up with every woman.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

4Sure, I agree. I had a recent experience that convinced me that it is best to let it all go. That is not to say avoid it or not avoid it but just to accept that people are people. There is going to be f*cking and there is going to be love and there is going to be all that messy stuff in between. There is no magic formula for a great relationship, and there is supposed to be room for not being perfect, in fact, I can't imagine a relationship that isn't, because what would be the point! I draw the line at abuse. I wholeheartedly agree about dating and maintaining a position until otherwise warranted in which there can be a quick side step or walk away. Probably the OP is feeling trapped, he has put himself in a position where he might cause hurt to himself or to another person. I had too thought it would be good to move on to a solid relationship but I changed my mind...I want to date so I can explore how people relate and really work on my listening skills and solidifying my intuition which I am grateful to have. I think intuition gets sidetracked by early commitment. Well, I don't think that, I know that. Maybe OP is pulling away because his intuition is clouded, and in that case, being honest about pulling away for a bit is essential...then moving close and when things get uncomfortable backing off. In fact, probably this is the way any relationship feels, even ones that are what appear to be solid marriages for the people who are not actually participating in those marriages. It is impossible to completely merge with another person and to have total synchronicity and never have any feelings of edginess. It's how you are able to deal wtih that uncomfortable feeling in the context of any relationship (platonic, intimate, or intimate-sexual...) that creates an illusion of 'comfortableness'. Kind of like a gas cloud around a planet...it looks like a solid beautiful surface, but get closer and get 'into it' and boy oh boy, which way is up? Pulling back I think is a good way of gaining perspective and is something everyone should do from time to time when the need is felt, in any relationship. It doesn't mean good or bad relationship, it means that things need examining and you need to regain your center to be able to participate in the relationship's give and take and its own center of gravity.


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