# Dating Red Flags for the Newly Single



## bravenewworld

Thought it might be helpful to start a thread with some red flags to look out for while dating post D. A few to start below: 

-Overly effusive/complimentary right off the bat. Are they being sincere, or are you a little needy for approval? Let's face it - it feels good! Too good sometimes. 

-On the first few dates, they give you exceedingly personal information about themselves. Like, skeletons in the closet type info. This is a campaign to rapidly accelerate and create a false sense of intimacy. Be wary. 

-Their life is full of fractured, dysfunctional, and frankly undesirable relationships. Oh, and drama too. No matter what stories they tell you, remember that the common denominator is *them.* 

-Bring children on dates and/or introduce you to their children before you are in a committed relationship. 

-Flaky. What they say, and what they actually do don't seem to match up.

-Still live with their ex and/or talk about their ex often. Seems to ruminate on "what could have been." Not able to live in the present moment. 

-You catch them in small, seemingly meaningless white lies. When called upon it, they either give an extremely vague or overly complicated explanation. 

-They try to lower your inhibitions on a date by buying/bringing you unrequested drinks.


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## arbitrator

*One lady, who I was starting to get along with, suddenly dropped me like a hot rock primarily because she saw my Masonic ring, greatly thinking that it was some anti-Christian satanic cult. Guess she'd been watching a few too many anti-Masonic cable TV shows, or just listening to some narrow-minded folk's in her church talk about it!

And this was by a college-educated woman! And seemingly goes along the lines of telling other folks what and what not to do!

This absolutely insults the linage of my family members and dear friends who are/were Freemasons, as well as the many millions of American Christian, as well as worldwide men, who are truly honored to be part of such an historical and noble fraternity!*


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## Rowan

I've been re-reading my copy of _Little Black Book of Big Red Flags_. It's written for the 20-something female dating set, but it's funny and has some good tips for divorced people moving back into the dating world as well. I recommend it. _He's Just Not That In To You_ is also a quick, funny, worthwhile read.


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## dajam

How about the person who has low self esteem and is looking for the next individual to glean onto to "complete" their life. 

Typically IMHO I believe this to be the "love at first sight", not meaning to discredit this phenomenon, as I know it can happen however this generally does not produce long term relationships. 

Also the person who lives the double life, seems all together when you first meet them , then after a while you find out the personal life is a mess. (financial, drama, lots of EX's, kids messed up because of this)


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## Bobby5000

Unfortunately it may not be easy. Be careful if things are too perfect. 

I have a friend who is very, very good with women. He's not mean, but is very good looking, understands people, successful, and doesn't push, and tends to have a great time. As long as a woman wasn't serious, he is a great person to hang out with but I think someone like him has the capacity to break some hearts. 

So with all due respect, try to get a sense of your level. If its looks too good to be true, go slow. A somewhat dowdy man was appropriated by an extremely attractive young woman who said who car malfunctioned and he offered her a ride. Appreciative she invited him in, and they later had sex. He was married and about a week later, he received a dossier of pictures from the encounter, and a suggestion he drop a lawsuit in which he was involved.


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## Jellybeans

bravenewworld said:


> -Flaky. What they say, and what they actually do don't seem to match up.


This is the one I watch for the most. Because really, it is everything.


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## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> This is the one I watch for the most. Because really, it is everything.


*I'm just drawing far too many of those flaky, cheating ones! And greatly to the point that it really makes me want to write falling in love again totally off!*


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## Jellybeans

The key it to put a STOP on it as soon as someone flakes.

That's what I did with the one guy. He flaked... and I said, "No, thanks" when he asked me out again. He was all shocked and I jus told him "What you say and what you do aren't the same so I'm not interested. Bye."


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## EnjoliWoman

Too much, too soon - expresses feelings for you before REAL feelings have had a chance to develop because they don't know you well enough yet.

The one who is too clingy, wants to constantly phone or text and makes lots of plans in advance.

Anyone who has had a history of drug or alcohol abuse. I know there are those who have conquered their addictions but I've had some close friends deal with both and it can get very ugly and I just can't risk it. There are no guarantees that I won't meet someone who decides to try cocaine/ecstasy/etc at a party and ends up addicted but I'd rather not start off with someone with a history of it. I have too much to lose.


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## Rowan

A history of cheating, no matter how "crazy" the ex was.

A lot of "crazy" exes.

Grand gestures.

Hyper-focus.

Addictive behaviors. Or a history of addictions that hasn't been well in-hand for at least several years.


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## movealong

EnjoliWoman said:


> Anyone who has had a history of drug or alcohol abuse. I know there are those who have conquered their addictions but I've had some close friends deal with both and it can get very ugly and I just can't risk it. There are no guarantees that I won't meet someone who decides to try cocaine/ecstasy/etc at a party and ends up addicted but I'd rather not start off with someone with a history of it. I have too much to loose.


I understand why you feel the way you do, but if your are dismissing someone who has, and continues, to actively work their program you are really missing out on something that could be great. A man or woman that has done a thorough 4th step, and taken all 12 steps, has more self-knowledge and growth than the average person. But more, they understand what caused the problem in the first place. As a recovering alcoholic, I see a lot of men and women that abuse alcohol, but since it is accepted as a normal part of the dating scene, those people wind up in bad relationships. I did. 

If I were to dismiss the women who are now fit and healthy because they used to have a few extra pounds, I think I would miss out on some really good ladies. I mean they're fit now, but what if they put on those pounds again? 

I guess each person has to decide for themselves. Personally, if there were a choice, for me, between a woman who had worked a 12 step or an average woman, I choose the 12 stepper. She knows herself better than most.

imo


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## Jellybeans

movealong said:


> I understand why you feel the way you do, but if your are dismissing someone who has, and continues, to actively work their program you are really missing out on something that could be great.


But that is her boundary. Not everyone would be ok with that. And that's fine. What works for you may not work for someone else.



movealong said:


> Personally, if there were a choice, for me, between a woman who had worked a 12 step or an average woman, I choose the 12 stepper. She knows herself better than most.


Just because someone has not had an addiction or done 12 steps does not make them less self-aware or less capable of "knowing themselves." Just saying.


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## movealong

Jellybeans said:


> But that is her boundary. Not everyone would be ok with that. And that's fine. What works for you may not work for someone else.


I understand, I just think it precludes a lot of very good potential partners. But, it is her boundary and I understand the reasoning. 



Jellybeans said:


> Just because someone has not had an addiction or done 12 steps does not make them less self-aware or less capable of "knowing themselves." Just saying.


Again, I agree. I have met very few people outside of religion or a recovery program that truly have done soul searching self-reflection to find out why they are the way they are, but there are those people out there.


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## Jellybeans

Rowan said:


> A lot of "crazy" exes.


Huge red flag.


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## EnjoliWoman

movealong said:


> I understand, I just think it precludes a lot of very good potential partners. But, it is her boundary and I understand the reasoning.
> 
> Again, I agree. I have met very few people outside of religion or a recovery program that truly have done soul searching self-reflection to find out why they are the way they are, but there are those people out there.


I agree AND disagree. I find very few people inside religion who truly know themselves - they tend to go by their indoctrination and emotion instead of self-lead discovery and logic. But I think generally most people aren't in touch with themselves.

It may be true that lots of 12-steppers are quite self-actualized. But unfortunately the ones I know still struggle with their addictions, some functional alcoholics but most to the point of homelessness or death by liver failure. Or both, in that order. 

It would take a long time for someone to be in recovery that I wouldn't be worried about relapse.


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## ne9907

dajam said:


> How about the person who has low self esteem and is looking for the next individual to glean onto to "complete" their life.


:iagree:


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## bravenewworld

Rowan said:


> A history of cheating, no matter how "crazy" the ex was.
> 
> A lot of "crazy" exes.
> 
> Grand gestures.
> 
> Hyper-focus.
> 
> Addictive behaviors. Or a history of addictions that hasn't been well in-hand for at least several years.


All of these x1000. I thought it was sweet when a guy brought, not one, but three presents to our first date. He was total crazy town.

That hyper focus is another one - it's like they are studying you to learn how to manipulate you. Whereas a genuine person is a bit more relaxed as they are actually getting to know you.


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## movealong

EnjoliWoman said:


> I agree AND disagree. I find very few people inside religion who truly know themselves - they tend to go by their indoctrination and emotion instead of self-lead discovery and logic. But I think generally most people aren't in touch with themselves.
> 
> It may be true that lots of 12-steppers are quite self-actualized. But unfortunately the ones I know still struggle with their addictions, some functional alcoholics but most to the point of homelessness or death by liver failure. Or both, in that order.
> 
> It would take a long time for someone to be in recovery that I wouldn't be worried about relapse.


My sponsor has been sober since 1984. I am the "toddler" in my group with a year and a half. One of our members has been sober since 1974. For me, it is great to have that experience to draw on.

I said religion, but I should have qualified it with the word "some" religions. I don't think most of the mainstream religions give a hoot about self actualization so long as you're tithing. 

Struggling with addiction is no different than struggling with bullemia or anorexia, or any other disease. It can be controlled, but it is always there. It is the person that makes the difference, imo.

I appreciate your take on it.


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## EnjoliWoman

We are all infallible and there are no guarantees. I realize that. I'm really glad you are that far into recovery - it's definitely a good sign.


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## Almostrecovered

swastika tattoos


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## Healer

Bobby5000 said:


> Unfortunately it may not be easy. Be careful if things are too perfect.
> 
> I have a friend who is very, very good with women. He's not mean, but is very good looking, understands people, successful, and doesn't push, and tends to have a great time. As long as a woman wasn't serious, he is a great person to hang out with but I think someone like him has the capacity to break some hearts.
> 
> So with all due respect, try to get a sense of your level. If its looks too good to be true, go slow. A somewhat dowdy man was appropriated by an extremely attractive young woman who said who car malfunctioned and he offered her a ride. Appreciative she invited him in, and they later had sex. He was married and about a week later, he received a dossier of pictures from the encounter, and a suggestion he drop a lawsuit in which he was involved.


Dowdy and douchey. Bad combo.


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## Healer

movealong said:


> Again, I agree. I have met very few people outside of religion or a recovery program that truly have done soul searching self-reflection to find out why they are the way they are, but there are those people out there.


Sounds like you need to get out more.


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## Healer

Constant waffling and indecision. A recent date did this - went back and forth (on the same date) between wanting a relationship and family, to wanting to be alone, to loving and wanting sex to not being interested. She admitted she was fickle and constantly changing her mind. At 38 that seemed like a big red flag to me.

She had no idea who she was or what she wanted. Dangerous territory.


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## Jellybeans

Wait, was that the chick you had super hot sex with, Healer?


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## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> Wait, was that the chick you had super hot sex with, Healer?


Nope! We're still doing that. She's a sweetheart. We have a sleepover planned for Thursday - literally just now she texted "bring your jammies and your toothbrush!". This will be our first dinner together. So far it's just been 1/3 of a movie then sex. 

What does it all mean???


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## SamuraiJack

Healer said:


> Nope! We're still doing that. She's a sweetheart. We have a sleepover planned for Thursday - literally just now she texted "bring your jammies and your toothbrush!". This will be our first dinner together. So far it's just been 1/3 of a movie then sex.
> 
> What does it all mean???


Thats what's called "Good Old Fashioned Lust!"....enjoy!


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## Jellybeans

Healer said:


> This will be our first dinner together. So* far it's just been 1/3 of a movie then sex. *
> 
> What does it all mean???


:rofl: It means.... JUST GO WITH IT. :smthumbup:


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## one_strange_otter

When she waits til you show up and drops the "my babysitter backed out" bomb on you, orders appetizers to go for her friend next door and the kids start calling you daddy before they even finish eating their kiddie meals. :/


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## BaxJanson

When they're unable to make an apology. Particularly using the phrase "I'm sorry, but you..."


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## Rowan

BaxJanson said:


> When they're unable to make an apology. Particularly using the phrase "I'm sorry, but you..."


Yep. That's a huge red flag! 

My personal favorite is "I'm sorry you're mad." It sort of sounds like an apology doesn't it? But it's not. It's a dismissal of any responsibility for their own behavior, and a critique of your reaction to their behavior as irrational - all rolled into one neat little non-apology.


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## Jellybeans

BaxJanson said:


> When they're unable to make an apology. Particularly using the phrase "I'm sorry, but you..."


"BUT" ruins the entire apology.


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## Jellybeans

Rowan said:


> Yep. That's a huge red flag!
> 
> My personal favorite is "I'm sorry you're mad." It sort of sounds like an apology doesn't it? But it's not. It's a dismissal of any responsibility for their own behavior, and a critique of your reaction to their behavior as irrational - all rolled into one neat little non-apology.


Eh. Sometimes it's warranted. If I don't want to do XYZ and have said so and someone goes off on me "I'm sorry you are mad" is perfectly fine.

Boundaries and shizz.


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## bravenewworld

Jellybeans said:


> Eh. Sometimes it's warranted. If I don't want to do XYZ and have said so and someone goes off on me "I'm sorry you are mad" is perfectly fine.
> 
> Boundaries and shizz.


This makes sense to me. Sometimes I am genuinely sorry I angered or upset someone, however, I won't apologize for my behavior because I was acting in my best interest.


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## BaxJanson

Yeah, I agree that "I'm sorry you're mad" has it's place, but it's an admission of a feeling, not an apology. When it's used correctly, it's actually a nice, strong, safe acknowledgement of another's feelings. When used as an apology, it's vile. 

I like the scale on this site: The Apology Scale | Ethics Alarms

He's since posited a level 11 apology - a deceitful apology where the wording causes additional harm to the wronged parties.


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## dajam

Jellybeans said:


> The key it to put a STOP on it as soon as someone flakes.
> 
> That's what I did with the one guy. He flaked... and I said, "No, thanks" when he asked me out again. He was all shocked and I jus told him "What you say and what you do aren't the same so I'm not interested. Bye."


So what do you say to a girl who you talk to many times, knew from work and then goes silent on you after you set up a date. Even though I know her life is complicated do to her ex.and her being responsible taking care of her kid and step kid. (not legal but emotional) Run, or wait?


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## dajam

Jellybeans said:


> "BUT" ruins the entire apology.


One thing I have learned in a relationship is never say the "you" word in a apology or fight. Not good...


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## Jellybeans

dajam said:


> So what do you say to a girl who you talk to many times, knew from work and then goes silent on you after you set up a date. Even though I know her life is complicated do to her ex.and her being responsible taking care of her kid and step kid. (not legal but emotional) Run, or wait?


Say nothing. She went silent, right? So no need to keep trying to stay in touch with her. 

Do not wait. Unless you enjoy the sound of silence. Move on.


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## Fenix

Talk to me about this hyperfocus y'all are speaking about. What are its hallmarks?

I ask because I don't know if I would recognize it. In my LT marriage, let's just say that I was the bottom of the priority list. The guy that I am currently dating is just the opposite. He *listens* to everything I say and remembers it. I have seen lists of bands I have mentioned that I like at his place and they are appearing on his play list, which I like, esp as my ex was very dismissive towards my taste in music.


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## Bobby5000

Originally Posted by dajam View Post 
So what do you say to a girl who you talk to many times, knew from work and then goes silent on you after you set up a date. Even though I know her life is complicated do to her ex.and her being responsible taking care of her kid and step kid. (not legal but emotional) Run, or wait?

Please be careful Dajam. She's at your work, assuming for whatever reason she has decided not to go out with you, she can call Human Resources about she says are repeated contacts and you may have some serious things written on your personnel record or face discipline. If she's giving you mixed signals at work, I would stop all contact.


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## Jellybeans

Ooh I hadn't even picked up the "from work" thing. DANGER. Do not engage.


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## Wolf1974

My flags are:

Previously cheated
Overly interested in how much I make
controlling about my friends
Unsolicited opinions about me parenting my kids
Princess mentality
Can't take compliments or kind gestures


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## Jellybeans

Wolf1974 said:


> Can't take compliments or kind gestures


I personally do NOT get that one.

Seriously. If someone compliments you, why not just say "Thank you." I mean, sh*t! Who doesn't love a compliment?!


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## ne9907

Jellybeans said:


> I personally do NOT get that one.
> 
> Seriously. If someone compliments you, why not just say "Thank you." I mean, sh*t! Who doesn't love a compliment?!


That was me several months ago. During my marriage, I was conditioned to only hear compliments or receive kind gestures when ex had done something wrong or wanted something out of me. 
I am a work in progress~ I am more accepting of kind gestures and compliments now.


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## Wolf1974

Jellybeans said:


> I personally do NOT get that one.
> 
> Seriously. If someone compliments you, why not just say "Thank you." I mean, sh*t! Who doesn't love a compliment?!


A few of the women I met. Thankfully only a few.


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## Cooper

""Dating Red Flags for the Newly Single"" 

Here's on that no one has mentioned....any one else that is newly single! That's a huge red flag for both people.

Nothing like going on a date and spending all your time talking about the ex's, good times. (that would be sarcasm)


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## Jellybeans

Spot on, Cooper!


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## SamuraiJack

Any girl who says "I need to stop at my dealer's house before we go out. Do you mind?"

True Story


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## Jellybeans

Unless you are the dealer.


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## poppyseed

Red flags -

Someone seems to be so "over-keen" and I recognise I'm backing right off to avoid such advance. I kind of felt guilty of going "silent" on him and decided to speak to him. But I guess this is also a red flag. Someone is seemingly too interested too soon.


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## SamuraiJack

Oh and ( for me) any gal that doesnt like animals.

About 5 times in my life I have dated women who didnt click with animals and I always ended up throwing my hands up in the end.

My dog was my litmus test for my last round of dating.
Thankfully he is on my side. 

The cat on the other hand...


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## poppyseed

LOL...will keep that in mind...:rofl:


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## firebelly1

SamuraiJack said:


> Oh and ( for me) any gal that doesnt like animals.
> 
> About 5 times in my life I have dated women who didnt click with animals and I always ended up throwing my hands up in the end.
> 
> My dog was my litmus test for my last round of dating.
> Thankfully he is on my side.
> 
> The cat on the other hand...


I don't know...my cat will run or cuddle and it seems like a sign either way.


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## Jellybeans

Red flag:

_Want to meet my mother? (second date). _

Funnily, this has been my experience MANY times.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> Red flag:
> 
> _Want to meet my mother? (second date). _
> 
> Funnily, this has been my experience MANY times.


See, everyone is different.

I would love to meet someone's mother, because I'm in the mind of a LTR and if a guy has a mother close by, who is part of his life, yes, I would definitely like to meet her and figure out compatibility before getting too attached to the guy. If I didn't enjoy the mother's company and the guy was taking care of his mother, this would be a problem. 

I'm 50 though. 

Also, my kids tend to choose friends whose families are similar to ours in terms of lifestyle and personality compatibility. Don't see why a long term relationship should/would be any different.

Though there are definitely 'black sheep' like me who are very far away from their families in terms of personality and other traits. I would never introduce my family to anyone, then again I have restraining orders against them. :rofl: 

Another reason why I don't mind checking out family members, lets me see if there are going to be issues.


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## Jellybeans

I hear you Homemaker, but the thing is, I have experienced a LOT of guys who want to move way too fast and and profess BIG feelings for me way too soon which makes me uncomfortable. 

I don't think someone telling you how they feel so much so soon is a good thing. Like, you don't even know me, you know? 

I got proposed to twice one year (by two different men). 

Yeah. Lol.


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## ne9907

My biggest red flag would be if they tell me they love me within the first month of dating. 
THere is no fvcking way they love me, if they have only known me for that short amount of time.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> I hear you Homemaker, but the thing is, I have experienced a LOT of guys who want to move way too fast and and profess BIG feelings for me way too soon which makes me uncomfortable.
> 
> I don't think someone telling you how they feel so much so soon is a good thing. Like, you don't even know me, you know?
> 
> I got proposed to twice one year (by two different men).
> 
> Yeah. Lol.


Well yah, if meeting the mother is synonymous with getting serious vs. just a screening tool like...are our families compatible (for the family oriented or obligated.) At 50 I now have friends who are caring for aging parents, or who are slightly older and dealing with care issues themselves. 

I'm in touch now with a guy from EH who has no family. Suits me fine. My eldest son's girlfriend has a big family and they are all like-able, plus I have a friend who shares her family with me once a year for camping. My kids and I are tight, so no family is a good thing. But if someone had a mother and offered, I'd say yes to meeting rather than no.

However, combined with the attitude that I was meeting the mother because it was decided upon that we were a couple, no after a first couple dates I would not even be talking to the guy...would say no thank you, please don't call me again and that would be that. :rofl:


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## poppyseed

Jellybeans said:


> I hear you Homemaker, but the thing is, I have experienced a LOT of guys who want to move way too fast and and profess BIG feelings for me way too soon which makes me uncomfortable.
> 
> I don't think someone telling you how they feel so much so soon is a good thing. Like, you don't even know me, you know?
> 
> I got proposed to twice one year (by two different men).
> 
> Yeah. Lol.


You obviously must be a good catch. I hear what you say about men professing big feelings towards you which make you feel "uncomfortable". 

I'm guessing that you are probably very similar to me in that sense. I guess, sometimes men got this compatibility check list to cover all the basic and it won't take long to say, "ok, go ahead this one is worth grabbing hold of" real quick. 

To some of us women, it takes grindingly ages to get to that point where you feel "ok to proceed" whilst we obsess with the perpetual thought in our feminine head that "it's not gonna work" "no, it's gonna be a non starter" etc...we process relationships differently. In fact, it feels as if we process the different stages in our relationships quite differently. It's funny that. :scratchhead:


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## poppyseed

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> However, combined with the attitude that I was meeting the mother because it was decided upon that we were a couple, no after a first couple dates I would not even be talking to the guy...would say no thank you, please don't call me again and that would be that. :rofl:


:rofl:


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## Fenix

SamuraiJack said:


> Oh and ( for me) any gal that doesnt like animals.
> 
> About 5 times in my life I have dated women who didnt click with animals and I always ended up throwing my hands up in the end.
> 
> My dog was my litmus test for my last round of dating.
> Thankfully he is on my side.
> 
> The cat on the other hand...


Not a red flag for me so much as one of the key screening tools. No way will I date anyone who doesn't like animals. They don't have to have one, but they have to like them and be kind to them. And, no cat haters need apply. I have dogs, but I like cats and have found that a guy who likes cats is just a bit less control oriented and not driven by what society says a guy should like. 

anyway, that's my theory and I am sticking to it!


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## dajam

I RED them all . Here is a question "what does your heart say" Also what factors drove you to ask a question that would obviously create a lot of negative feedback?

RUN, You can do better.


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## Jellybeans

poppyseed said:


> . I hear what you say about men professing big feelings towards you which make you feel "uncomfortable".
> 
> I'm guessing that you are probably very similar to me in that sense. I guess, sometimes men got this compatibility check list to cover all the basic and it won't take long to say, "ok, go ahead this one is worth grabbing hold of" real quick.





ne9907 said:


> My biggest red flag would be if they tell me they love me within the first month of dating.
> THere is no fvcking way they love me, if they have only known me for that short amount of time.


Well, yeah, and that is what I am saying. The problem with someone claiming to love you, professing big feelings and wanting to move fast forward into a relationship is that they have put you on a pedestal. This has been my experience many times. And the
thing is, you can't live up to the pedestal. It's like they are in love with the idea of you, not who you really are. Not only is it completely based in fantasy, it's just not practical (or healthy to move that fast).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> Well, yeah, and that is what I am saying. The problem with someone claiming to love you, professing big feelings and wanting to move fast forward into a relationship is that they have put you on a pedestal. This has been my experience many times. And the
> thing is, you can't live up to the pedestal. It's like they are in love with the idea of you, not who you really are. Not only is it completely based in fantasy, it's just not practical (or healthy to move that fast).


Although, the longer you know someone, the higher the odds are that you'll find something you dislike about someone. 

My next dating tactic is to take things incredibly slow and to establish firm boundaries. With any luck I can delay discovery until life ends. :rofl:

Or as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.

Somewhere in there is a fine line.
I do know that I am a huge advocate of separate bathrooms and for each to be responsible for cleaning their own (preferably in their own dwelling...)


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## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My next dating tactic is to take things incredibly slow and to establish firm boundaries. With any luck I can delay discovery until life ends. :rofl:


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Cooper

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Although, the longer you know someone, the higher the odds are that you'll find something you dislike about someone.
> 
> My next dating tactic is to take things incredibly slow and to establish firm boundaries. With any luck I can delay discovery until life ends. :rofl:
> 
> Or as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.
> 
> Somewhere in there is a fine line.
> I do know that I am a huge advocate of separate bathrooms and for each to be responsible for cleaning their own (preferably in their own dwelling...)


Now you're talking my philosophy....I have said many times my next marital home will be a duplex...her side and my side. Maybe we can talk on the front porch a couple times a week or walk the dog together, then it's back to our own space.


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## bravenewworld

Cooper said:


> Now you're talking my philosophy....I have said many times my next marital home will be a duplex...her side and my side. Maybe we can talk on the front porch a couple times a week or walk the dog together, then it's back to our own space.


Richard Burton and Liz Taylor had this type of situation - two villas connected by a pink bridge in Puerto Vallarta. 

When I was visiting the locals told me it was referred to as "the bridge of sin."


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

bravenewworld said:


> Richard Burton and Liz Taylor had this type of situation - two villas connected by a pink bridge in Puerto Vallarta.
> 
> When I was visiting the locals told me it was referred to as "the bridge of sin."


As well as Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and others...

Husband and wife find joy in living apart - Health - Behavior | NBC News

There you have it. Not so unique thinking along these lines.

Separate countries works well for me.


----------



## poppyseed

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Although, the longer you know someone, the higher the odds are that you'll find something you dislike about someone.
> 
> My next dating tactic is to take things incredibly slow and to establish firm boundaries. With any luck I can delay discovery until life ends. :rofl:
> 
> Or as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.
> 
> Somewhere in there is a fine line.
> I do know that I am a huge advocate of separate bathrooms and for each to be responsible for cleaning their own (preferably in their own dwelling...)


This is exactly where I disagree with peeps who would emotively insist that romance would long continue after couples had lived together 24/7 at least, a few years. I need to relax when I'm home. Cannot look like I'm sparkling glamorous at home 24/7 LOL Yes, picking up dirty socks / used underwear of my ex also grossed me out over time.


----------



## poppyseed

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> As well as Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and others...
> 
> Husband and wife find joy in living apart - Health - Behavior | NBC News
> 
> There you have it. Not so unique thinking along these lines.
> 
> Separate countries works well for me.


Living together is often driven by pressing financial reasons e.g. combined assets buying a better home together / men's need to have sex first thing in the morning every day and once again at night. I don't think health reasons come into it.


----------



## poppyseed

Cooper said:


> Now you're talking my philosophy....I have said many times my next marital home will be a duplex...her side and my side. Maybe we can talk on the front porch a couple times a week or walk the dog together, then it's back to our own space.


Bottom line is, keep your own place. Never combine your living space with someone else's.


----------



## poppyseed

:iagree:


Jellybeans said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans

I have an aunt and uncle who have lived apart for most of their marriage. Same city, different homes. They only recently moved in together within the last couple of years. But they seriously spent eons living apart and it worked for them just fine.


----------



## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Yes, picking up dirty socks / used underwear of my ex also grossed me out over time.


Gee, I can't imagine why that didn't get you excited.


----------



## JWTBL

And if someone shows you who they are, believe it. My first date with my ex was going to Las Vegas on his motorcycle for his birthday. I absolutely HATED Las Vegas, the noice, the avarice, everything about it. He is still to this day a gambler, not to the point of losing alot of money, but just the concept of gambling is so foreign to me, why would I hook up with someone who is into something that I find so vile? Who knows - I did get 3 incredible kids out of it, though.
And the mother issue - I recently spent a hike talking to a guy who mentioned his mother probably 7 times - how she thinks he needs to find a nice girl, settle down, blah blah. I felt sort of sorry for him so I talked to him, then at the end of the hike he wanted to go to lunch, and it probably would have ended with him wanting to meet his mother! That was a no-brainer!


----------



## ne9907

JWTBL said:


> *And if someone shows you who they are, believe it*. QUOTE]
> :iagree:
> 
> Another red flag for me is if they talk sh!t about their exes.
> I do not care to know, move the fvck on.


----------



## poppyseed

ne9907 said:


> JWTBL said:
> 
> 
> 
> *And if someone shows you who they are, believe it*. QUOTE]
> :iagree:
> 
> Another red flag for me is if they talk sh!t about their exes.
> I do not care to know, move the fvck on.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree. And one that wouldn't like to explain what happened to their previous marriage which led to separation / D. Also those who have been separated for a number of years without filing for D.
Click to expand...


----------



## NextTimeAround

Someone controlling.

for example,
wants to know where you are going; when will you be home; then calls you 10 minutes after that time and becomes abusive because you don't pick up the phone, whether you are home or not.


----------



## pragmaster

Wait, someone said being flaky?

Here is a question for you.

I met a girl the other day. Everything seemed fine. I told her I was single.

Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and then I told her I was separated. 

I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.


So was I being flaky? Isn't being single and separated the same????


----------



## TheGoodGuy

pragmaster said:


> Wait, someone said being flaky?
> 
> Here is a question for you.
> 
> I met a girl the other day. Everything seemed fine. I told her I was single.
> 
> Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and then I told her I was separated.
> 
> I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> 
> So was I being flaky? Isn't being single and separated the same????


Errrmm.. Forgive me if I'm being completely gullible here, but you're joking right?


----------



## always_hopefull

pragmaster said:


> Wait, someone said being flaky?
> 
> Here is a question for you.
> 
> I met a girl the other day. Everything seemed fine. I told her I was single.
> 
> Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and then I told her I was separated.
> 
> I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> 
> So was I being flaky? Isn't being single and separated the same????


I personally view someone who says they're "single" as someone who can legally get married. When I was on a dating site I wouldn't date anyone who was separated because I didn't want to take the risk of getting attached to someone who may just decide to go back to their wife. If your ever in doubt as to whether your single or not, go by the legal definition. Legally your separated and still married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## poppyseed

pragmaster said:


> Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and then I told her I was separated.
> 
> I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> 
> So was I being flaky? Isn't being single and separated the same????


Hi

Being "single" often means "never been married" but these days, more broadly, this term may sometimes include "divorced / or unattached". But it may be useful to say, "I'm single but actually divorced with *** number of children / age. " to be clearer. 

Some people seem to think being "separated" automatically means that they are sort of "divorced" as well. That is not the case. We go through different grieving process in different stages of ending one's long-term union e.g. pre-divorce / post-divorce. If you are separated, it may be useful for the date to know what stage you are in terms of D. 

But you may still be seen as a liability. 1) you haven't had D, which leads to 2) you have unfinished business / dealing with emotional wounds etc. 3) you should be focusing on D and work on yourself instead of dating new people at random when you are not even ready etc.

Having said that, some men only decide to get divorced after they are nagged to death by their GF.


----------



## Dollystanford

I am very wary of 'separated' people. You still have a world of emotional crap to deal with, however ready you think you are.


----------



## Rowan

pragmaster said:


> Wait, someone said being flaky?
> 
> Here is a question for you.
> 
> I met a girl the other day. Everything seemed fine. I told her I was single.
> 
> Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and then I told her I was separated.
> 
> I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> 
> *So was I being flaky*? Isn't being single and separated the same????


She was no longer interested, not because she thought you were being flaky, but because she thought you were being a _liar_. 

When you tell someone you're single, they assume you are not currently married - either have never been married, or are not legally married now (widowed or divorced). Separated, however, means that you're still married to someone else. A lot of people, men and women, don't date folks who are married to someone else. So, no, single and separated are not the same. 

That your status appeared to change from one occasion to the next led your girl to assume you were just lying to her about being single to get in her pants. Since she - apparently - doesn't date married men (Good for her!), she dropped you.


----------



## whitehawk

Do they still call it dropped . Ha , thought they'd have some big long scientifically laboratory tested term or a form to sign or something for that one by now :rofl:

Anyway , where was l :scratchhead:. Ah yeah , l had a strange one a mth or so back on my date site.
l'm talking to this chick for a few days , we'd been phoning and texting but then l'd realized l haven't even seen her.
l was talking to others that wk and l thought she was one of them in the back of my mind. Oh yes , l take it very seriously :rofl:
Well , with the amount of disappointments you seem to have on those sites , you start taking anyone new with a grain of salt after awhile until you just see what you got.
Anyway she's talking about how much she loved talking to me and inviting me down for coffee ,even pushing it.
And l say to her oh , you know l haven't even seen a photo of you yet do you think you could send me something through by any chance- bang. I was deleted from her page , her phone and text went into some auto reply thing and l never heard from her again.
So apparently it's against something or another now to ask for a pic of who the hell your talking to these days yeah


----------



## poppyseed

Dollystanford said:


> I am very wary of 'separated' people. You still have a world of emotional crap to deal with, however ready you think you are.


Particularly, when they are separated forever and ever but never got "officially" divorced AND they THINK D and separated are the one and the same...LOL.....


----------



## Fenix

Dollystanford said:


> I am very wary of 'separated' people. You still have a world of emotional crap to deal with, however ready you think you are.


:smthumbup:

Yep. That's why separated people should stick to other separated people!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

pragmaster said:


> Wait, someone said being flaky?
> 
> Here is a question for you.
> 
> I met a girl the other day. Everything seemed fine. I told her I was single.
> 
> Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and then I told her I was separated.
> 
> I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> 
> So was I being flaky? Isn't being single and separated the same????


No, it is not.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Some guy told me once, I'm single, but my wife would disagree with me...

hahahahahaha.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> Gee, I can't imagine why that didn't get you excited.


That wasn't my quote, by the way. 
I don't pick up anyone's dirty underwear but my daughter's. 

Adult underwear I leave it be. 
Not my job if it's not my own.


----------



## 06Daddio08

Dollystanford said:


> I am very wary of 'separated' people. You still have a world of emotional crap to deal with, however ready you think you are.


I take offense to that!!!!!!! :rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans

pragmaster said:


> Here is a question for you.
> 
> I met a girl the other day. Everything seemed fine.* I told her I was single.*
> 
> Then a few days later we chilled again, she noticed a painting and* then I told her I was separated*.
> 
> I texted her the next day and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> So was I being flaky? Isn't being single and separated the same????


Nope. You were flaky and you lied to her. You told her you were single when in fact you are still married, whether you are "separated" or not. Separated is still married. That's why she told you she wasn't interested anymore.

I personally don't date "separateds" / "still marrieds."


----------



## Chuck71

Jellybeans said:


> Nope. You were flaky and you lied to her. You told her you were single when in fact you are still married, whether you are "separated" or not. Separated is still married. That's why she told you she wasn't interested anymore.
> 
> I personally don't date "separateds" / "still marrieds."


On a site or anywhere else, most women will not date a guy with

separated status. If a female lists separated, many guys couldn't

care less.

A red flag I saw was not the fact we had sex on the first date

and was not fact she said "we went too far too fast and should 

slow down"... it was the next day when she blew up my email 

box and left 5 phone messages


----------



## poppyseed

Are those email messages, short ones or longer ones, Chuck? Do those messages have something meaningful to say? 

I often wondered about this myself, is that a frequent texting habit or is it something to do with loneliness? :scratchhead:


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

poppyseed said:


> Are those email messages, short ones or longer ones, Chuck? Do those messages have something meaningful to say?
> 
> I often wondered about this myself, is that a frequent texting habit or is it something to do with loneliness? :scratchhead:


For me, I don't really care what it is. I interpret it as a lack of impulse control and way too intrusive for my tastes. If someone's that lonely on their own, I really doubt I can make them less lonely...and if they have a texting habit, I'm not going to enjoy spending time with them.

For me, frequent texting is a red flag, not necessarily is the person flawed in some way, just not going to make my A list, or even my B, C, or D list...so that leaves...


----------



## ne9907

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> For me, I don't really care what it is. I interpret it as a lack of impulse control and way too intrusive for my tastes. If someone's that lonely on their own, I really doubt I can make them less lonely...and if they have a texting habit, I'm not going to enjoy spending time with them.
> 
> *For me, frequent texting is a red flag, not necessarily is the person flawed in some way, just not going to make my A list, or even my B, C, or D list...so that leaves*...


Could you elaborate on this? I am trying to break a bad habit of texting. I feel that every day texting is necessary for a relatinship. But I know that some people do not feel this way, you are one of those people and I would like to know your reasons why you feel the way you do please.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ne9907 said:


> Could you elaborate on this? I am trying to break a bad habit of texting. I feel that every day texting is necessary for a relatinship. But I know that some people do not feel this way, you are one of those people and I would like to know your reasons why you feel the way you do please.


I'm a programmer and I need my train of thought, I can't be getting interrupted all the time. I have kids at school and I don't text for work, at all. If I get a text, it literally startles me. If it's not for something important, I get irritated. My ex used to message me while he was at work. His work was very different than mine, he got paid pretty much to just keep an eye on a place that wasn't operational any more, i.e. lots of down time/computer time. It irritated me because it delayed my work. I would rather have the time to get my work done, and then be able to be free at the end of the work day, for dinner, and knowing I don't have to try to keep programming after dinner. I say try, because usually what would happen was that he would keep chattering at me, also interrupting train of thought. For him, I think it was part of an abusive pattern, of trying to figure out where I was. If I just ignored it or even forgot about it (often if I'm in train of thought, will notice I have message or email or timer on oven goes off, and I mean to get to it, but then forget...) then he would become upset and question why I did not respond. Wasn't just him, some other men I dated before did this too. 

I only text with my eldest son (24) and then it's maybe an interchange of texts all clustered within 20 minutes to an hour, which maybe happens once a month, if at all.

I don't think texting is necessary for a close relationship. 
It's a good way to communicate when you are already meeting up with someone and need to exchange information/updates briefly. But beyond that, I'm not really fond of it.

I don't like to be interrupted when I'm working or have scheduled down time. Even with my eldest, if I'm really working on a project and don't have time to text, we will switch to call so I can keep my hands on the keyboard while I'm talking to him. Not ideal, but if he really needs info, it's fine.

I will never date someone who is into texting.

I dated a guy who was into texting but it was invasive in another way. He texted at dinner, he texted while we were playing Scrabble, he texted during a play, I woke up and he was texting. Why even bother to be with someone, if you're not going to be with them? With texting, everything becomes urgent...without texting, ignorance is bliss...

Some people like it, some do not. 

I think it's important to get a feel for someone's use of technology, media, quiet time, social time, etc. early on while dating. If you're at odds with that, chances of successful relationship are fairly low.


----------



## Chuck71

poppyseed said:


> Are those email messages, short ones or longer ones, Chuck? Do those messages have something meaningful to say?
> 
> I often wondered about this myself, is that a frequent texting habit or is it something to do with loneliness? :scratchhead:


they were 7 paragraph emails. None were text. I text twice in my

life...to a carpool friend about schools being closed due to snow.

To me communication is best done face to face and if it is not able,

pick up a phone. Even had one girl say she would not date a guy

if he did not text. "Have a nice evening." And that was that. That

was not the same person I mentioned previously.


----------



## norajane

ne9907 said:


> Could you elaborate on this? I am trying to break a bad habit of texting. I feel that every day texting is necessary for a relatinship. But I know that some people do not feel this way, you are one of those people and I would like to know your reasons why you feel the way you do please.


I believe texting should be for very short messages of some kind of time-sensitive nature. Don't forget to pick up milk. I'll be 30 minutes late. Call me when you get out of work. 

Most everything else should be a phone conversation or in-person conversation. I do not want to spend hours or my whole day chatting via text. I see no need for every day texting, either. 

I also think people should absolutely avoid major or emotional conversations, and especially fights, through text. It's too easy to misunderstand or be misunderstood. Save that for in-person discussions,.


----------



## Fenix

This texting convo is funny. I am seeing a programmer too, and he loves to text. We text when we wake up, we text at lunch and at night. He doesn't text a lot with anyone else, just me. I am not a phone person but the texting is a way to touch base and have some fun. When a conversation is serious, we pick up the phone. 

I never really texted with my ex. He was a phone person and we would talk several times/day. He was texting with someone though. *rolleyes*

eta: While I enjoy texting with my guy, I would not insist on it with future relationships. Long telephone conversations would be a deal breaker for me though.  And I am not interested in texting with people I have never met (ie online dating etc)


----------



## Jellybeans

I seriously hardly ever talk on the phone it seems.

Most of my communication is done via text. Sign of the times.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

Seems like there are a couple of different schools of thought with texting. Either you see it as a nuicence (or at the very least a necessary evil), or you like it and see it as useful (to an extent). I guess I am the latter. I like texting because it is a way to communicate about things quickly. Obviously not to a point where there are dozens of messages a day, all day every day, and not paragraphs like Chuck said. If you've got something serious or long to talk about, call me. Otherwise a quick one liner in text is fine with me. When it's with a significant other, I like getting texted randomly (again, as long as it's not dozens of texts every day) if they're thinking of me. But I don't hang onto the phone waiting for texts either.


----------



## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> I personally don't date "separateds" / "still marrieds."


:-(

Guess I won't ask you out then.


----------



## Jellybeans

Ju better get that divorce! 

LOL.

Seriously--why aren't you divorced yet? I thought you did that a long time ago? 

I remember your pictures -- you are handsome -- just imagine how many MORE women will want to be dating you when you do that.


----------



## Healer

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> For me, I don't really care what it is. I interpret it as a lack of impulse control and way too intrusive for my tastes. If someone's that lonely on their own, I really doubt I can make them less lonely...and if they have a texting habit, I'm not going to enjoy spending time with them.
> 
> For me, frequent texting is a red flag, not necessarily is the person flawed in some way, just not going to make my A list, or even my B, C, or D list...so that leaves...


My cheating stbxw ended our marriage via text. :smthumbup:


----------



## Jellybeans

Oy. That is pretty bad.


----------



## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> Ju better get that divorce!
> 
> LOL.
> 
> Seriously--why aren't you divorced yet? I thought you did that a long time ago?
> 
> I remember your pictures -- you are handsome -- just imagine how many MORE women will want to be dating you when you do that.


That's sweet, thank you Jb. I filed back in May - actually I filed in DECEMBER, then in May get an email from my lawyer saying "uhhh, well, we got your file mixed up with someone else with a similar name (bull****) and it didn't get filed. So we're filing it now." That was mid-May. They kept assuring me they're going through fast these days - yeah right! It goes to the judge and sits in a pile on his desk and he eventually gets to it. They said 2-4 months. It's been 4. Any day now (I hope). I'm afraid to call and ask my lawyer because it'll cost me $100 for a f*cking email reply.


----------



## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> I seriously hardly ever talk on the phone it seems.
> 
> Most of my communication is done via text. Sign of the times.


Same. I talk to my folks on the phone and I have one buddy (bandmate) who prefers phone convos. Otherwise it's all text.


----------



## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> Oy. That is pretty bad.


Yes. She's a lovely human being.


----------



## Chuck71

Healer said:


> That's sweet, thank you Jb. I filed back in May - actually I filed in DECEMBER, then in May get an email from my lawyer saying "uhhh, well, we got your file mixed up with someone else with a similar name (bull****) and it didn't get filed. So we're filing it now." That was mid-May. They kept assuring me they're going through fast these days - yeah right! It goes to the judge and sits in a pile on his desk and he eventually gets to it. They said 2-4 months. It's been 4. Any day now (I hope). I'm afraid to call and ask my lawyer because it'll cost me $100 for a f*cking email reply.


any charges levied between the two dates you mentioned

should be eradicated. if not you should take that POS to court


----------



## Durnik

I always did prefer texting, largely because I don't have any notification sounds on. While I'm at work, taking a call means stopping what I'm doing, walking out into the hallway, and starting over again. Whereas, with texts, I can let as many as I need accumulate until I get a break, then deal with them on MY schedule.

The hard habit I am breaking is "Just because I received a text, does not mean that it's rude of me to not respond immediately." XW used to absolutely blow up at me for 'ignoring' her if I let one sit for an hour.


----------



## Healer

Chuck71 said:


> any charges levied between the two dates you mentioned
> 
> should be eradicated. if not you should take that POS to court


There were none. Although I did have to pay full price for the filing itself, which was rubbish. He screwed up a LOT with this thing. What's worse than a lawyer? An incompetent lawyer.


----------



## Healer

Durnik said:


> I always did prefer texting, largely because I don't have any notification sounds on. While I'm at work, taking a call means stopping what I'm doing, walking out into the hallway, and starting over again. Whereas, with texts, I can let as many as I need accumulate until I get a break, then deal with them on MY schedule.
> 
> The hard habit I am breaking is "Just because I received a text, does not mean that it's rude of me to not respond immediately." XW used to absolutely blow up at me for 'ignoring' her if I let one sit for an hour.


I feel no obligation to text back right away. I'm not surgically attached to my phone like some people (the ex). I think it bothers the woman I'm "seeing" right now a bit. Sometimes I won't text back until the next day (not if it's a timely question something - but unimportant stuff). It also sets a precedent if you continually text back right away. Don't want to do that. People need to know I get back when it works for me - unless it's really important or timely.


----------



## Chuck71

Healer said:


> I feel no obligation to text back right away. I'm not surgically attached to my phone like some people (the ex). I think it bothers the woman I'm "seeing" right now a bit. Sometimes I won't text back until the next day (not if it's a timely question something - but unimportant stuff). It also sets a precedent if you continually text back right away. Don't want to do that. People need to know I get back when it works for me - unless it's really important or timely.


some parents started to text because their teen children did. Just

to keep up with what they were doing. My step son did the same

thing. My X would come home from work, immediately start texting

her friends.....from work. That did not go over well. But when I

would go to my office and chew the fat on the landline with friends,

that was "different." My fingers were too large to text even if I

wanted to. I don't mind sending someone an email if they text me

but like you say, it will not be immediately replied to and once it

gets over two or three, just call me.


----------



## CardReader

Red Flags I've experienced while I was dating that I don't think have been mentioned so far:

- Tons of different female products at their home. 
He told me they were his mothers and sisters stuff and kept it there for them when they came in Town. 
Apparently he went through women a lot. They'd bring "over night" stuff and then dump him when they found out he cheated, never bothering to come pick up their body washes and other products.

-Only texts, refuses to talk on the phone.
All the men that did this, After some facebook research, turned out to have girl friends or be married. 

- Try to hide you in the bathroom when someone knocked on his door.
I don't think I need to explain this one lol. He ended up having a gf. And I refused to hide in the bathroom. I hope she broke up with him.


----------



## norajane

Healer said:


> Same. I talk to my folks on the phone and I have one buddy (bandmate) who prefers phone convos. Otherwise it's all text.


Maybe this is why young people have so much trouble dating these days. They've lost the mechanics and art of actual conversation. They don't know how to approach people, how to start flirting with someone they meet anywhere and everywhere, how to ask for dates, and how to converse on dates.


----------



## BetrayedDad

CardReader said:


> Red Flags I've experienced while I was dating that I don't think have been mentioned so far:
> 
> - Tons of different female products at their home.
> He told me they were his mothers and sisters stuff and kept it there for them when they came in Town.
> Apparently he went through women a lot. They'd bring "over night" stuff and then dump him when they found out he cheated, never bothering to come pick up their body washes and other products.
> 
> -Only texts, refuses to talk on the phone.
> All the men that did this, After some facebook research, turned out to have girl friends or be married.
> 
> - Try to hide you in the bathroom when someone knocked on his door.
> I don't think I need to explain this one lol. He ended up having a gf. And I refused to hide in the bathroom. I hope she broke up with him.



Where ever the heck you're meeting these type of men might I suggest looking somewhere else lol? Seriously, total creeps.


----------



## Chuck71

BetrayedDad said:


> Where ever the heck you're meeting these type of men might I suggest looking somewhere else lol? Seriously, total creeps.


had female friend date a guy, she found all kinds of female stuff

in bathroom and..... closet full of women's clothing. Yes they were

his size. Anyway...they kept on dating.


----------



## Healer

norajane said:


> Maybe this is why young people have so much trouble dating these days. They've lost the mechanics and art of actual conversation. They don't know how to approach people, how to start flirting with someone they meet anywhere and everywhere, how to ask for dates, and how to converse on dates.


I'd say that's pretty likely.


----------



## CardReader

*Re: Re: Dating Red Flags for the Newly Single*



BetrayedDad said:


> Where ever the heck you're meeting these type of men might I suggest looking somewhere else lol? Seriously, total creeps.


Libraries, books a million, stores, college, meetup.com, etc. 

A lot of creeps out there these days. Trial and error. Glad I am not dating anymore lol


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## poppyseed

Chuck71 said:


> had female friend date a guy, she found all kinds of female stuff
> 
> in bathroom and..... closet full of women's clothing. Yes they were
> 
> his size. Anyway...they kept on dating.


:rofl:


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## Fenix

Healer said:


> I feel no obligation to text back right away. I'm not surgically attached to my phone like some people (the ex). I think it bothers the woman I'm "seeing" right now a bit. Sometimes I won't text back until the next day (not if it's a timely question something - but unimportant stuff). It also sets a precedent if you continually text back right away. Don't want to do that. People need to know I get back when it works for me - unless it's really important or timely.


Your gf is not people. This would be a red flag* for me* as it points to a control issue.

Like I said upthread, I am not a huge texter except with my guy. It builds little connections throughout the day. I guess it is like the modern day version of a note in the lunch box.


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## Rowan

Yeah, the whole "I won't text you back right away to avoid setting a precedent" deal wouldn't work for me in a partner. If you're busy and can't reply right then, fine. Get back to me when you can. I'm not high maintenance about it. But intentionally putting off replying to a partner or good friend until the next day as a means of 'managing expectations' is just too much "game" for my taste.


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## Arendt

Regarding texting: I think it depends on the person. I used to prefer phone conversations but now I do not. I like texting. I don't mind getting texts. I respond as I am able, and never put it off to manage somebody's expectations. That is controlling behavior. I don't get upset if the woman I am dating does not respond for a while. She has a life. All is well.

On the other hand, long conversations are best done in person or on the phone. Texting is usually more for checking in, humor, quick questions, banter, flirting a little, etc. 

I prefer FaceTime over phone conversations. I just discovered that. It allows me to see the other person and pick up on their nonverbal cues, which I like to have when talking with somebody.


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## Healer

Fenix said:


> Your gf is not people. This would be a red flag* for me* as it points to a control issue.
> 
> Like I said upthread, I am not a huge texter except with my guy. It builds little connections throughout the day. I guess it is like the modern day version of a note in the lunch box.


She's not my gf. And it's not about control at all - well maybe it is - control of my own life. But I have zero interest in controlling anyone else. I also don't expect her to text me back until it's convenient for her.


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## Healer

Rowan said:


> Yeah, the whole "I won't text you back right away to avoid setting a precedent" deal wouldn't work for me in a partner. If you're busy and can't reply right then, fine. Get back to me when you can. I'm not high maintenance about it. But intentionally putting off replying to a partner or good friend until the next day as a means of 'managing expectations' is just too much "game" for my taste.


I text back when it suits me. I work a lot, have my kids 4 days a week, shows/rehearsals with my band, and I often leave my phone in another room. This is someone who approached me looking for a "lover and not a relationship". So, that's what it is to me.

My stbxw controlled me through texts and it was all day - relentless. I won't go through that again.

It's not about games at all. It's about what works for me and setting expectations. And again, that should (and does) work both ways. She should get back to me when it works for her. She's busy and a mom too, so I have no problems waiting until she has the time/inclination.

Seems to work for us.


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## firebelly1

norajane said:


> Maybe this is why young people have so much trouble dating these days. They've lost the mechanics and art of actual conversation. They don't know how to approach people, how to start flirting with someone they meet anywhere and everywhere, how to ask for dates, and how to converse on dates.


I don't know...I think it's just a new way of communicating. No matter what you have to converse with people in person. Texting is another option. I do have a daughter who's main form of communication is texting and I think she lacks some social skills in person but she had issues with that before she ever had a phone. My other kids (and I) who text a lot have fine conversational skills. 

In terms of dating...I like several little texts throughout the day and I like long texting conversations. Having a vocal conversation over the phone is disruptive to the people around you, and isn't as private, and texting allows you to respond in your own time.


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## bravenewworld

Healer said:


> My cheating stbxw ended our marriage via text. :smthumbup:


Not sure if it's better or worse mine ended over Gchat. What is wrong with these people???


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## bravenewworld

Regarding texting - I like it. I mean, it is writing so I wouldn't necessarily say it's contributing to the lost art of conversation unless you never leave your house to have a conversation. 

I have hearing loss so it's really nice for me to be able to communicate like this. Sometimes even after I explain I have hearing loss people think I am not listening or ignoring them. Very frustrating. Also texting is great when making plans because I can just refer to it and know we're meeting up at xyz place at 8pm. 

Some basic texting rules I follow:
1) Reply when convenient, never while driving
2) Not to be used as a substitute for returning a phone call
3) Never to be used for breaking plans, offering condolences, or anything of a sensitive nature. 
4) No fighting via text! It's SO easy to text something you would never say to someone's face. 

I still do like to talk on the phone, especially with someone I am dating because it is really nice to hear someone's voice, but am so glad texting is an option!


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## pragmaster

Reading this thread, it appears that my red flags when on a date are completely different then perhaps the norm. 

These red flags are really only relevant when I am looking for a potential GF/Wife, not just a fwb or sex. 


1) I don't care if she doesn't smoke it, but if she is against cannabis for nearly any reason, I'm out. Can't stand ignorance on this subject. I don't smoke that much actually, but I am a proud activist. I'm into non gmo, gluten-free, non-sulfate and msg products, healthy foods and that sort of hippy lifestyle. If she thinks that's ridiculous (some actually do), I'm out. 

2) If she only listens to country or rap or doesn't listen to much music at all, I'm out. Nothing more upsetting then turning on a good song and the girl being like "turn that garbage off!" Get out of my car!

3) Must be within 6 years of age. 

4) Must not be taller then me. 

5) I hate complainers, whiners and impatient people. 

6) She's got to have some sort of ambition or goals in life . Can't stand people who drift aimlessly. 

7) Must not smoke cigarettes. Sounds like a contradiction to number 1, but it's not at all. Cigs are gross!!

8) Religious is cool, but no atheists ever.


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## firebelly1

prag those sound more like personal preferences than what I would think of as "red flags." Red flags to me are things that signal this person would be bad at or not interested in relationship. As you say, the same red flags don't apply to FWB. Booty calls, for instance, are a relationship red flag but evidence that your FWB situation is on the right track.


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## ne9907

Does anyone know why Healer was banned?


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## whitehawk

From a guys point of view , and it might be the same for women with guys to , don't know.
But l'm amazed how many women are running round on date sites that aren't even close to sorted yet, often not even properly separated let alone mentally ready .

To my mind that's just crazy, really unfair and dangerous to someone that might be silly to hook up with her.
And often they've still been so effed up, they just shouldn't even be anywhere near out there yet.


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## Fenix

ne9907 said:


> Does anyone know why Healer was banned?


Maybe the Waywards Lurking thread? Lots of people were apparently banned from that one. It was the one that he was active on most recently.

I peeked in and skedaddled. Too much potential for triggering.


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## Chuck71

you're not a true TAMer till you get banned once


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## ne9907

Chuck71 said:


> you're not a true TAMer till you get banned once


Hmm.... then maybe I should write how I really feel about Bobsmith's threads.


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## Fenix

Chuck71 said:


> you're not a true TAMer till you get banned once


ha! maybe I should have stayed in that thread then.


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## Chuck71

ne9907 said:


> Hmm.... then maybe I should write how I really feel about Bobsmith's threads.


you read it too huh


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## Jellybeans

ne9907 said:


> Does anyone know why Healer was banned?


Didn't even realize he was banned... hope it wasn't a perma-ban.


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## Chuck71

ya didn't hear it from me but, the top 5 mods with the most bans get

a free week stay in Vegas


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## arbitrator

Chuck71 said:


> *You're not a true TAM'er till you get banned once*


*... and not have the first damned clue as to why you were banned!*


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