# Three kids under 4...is a normal sex life in my future?



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Hello all. Short background is we tried to have our first child for 7 years via IVF and that is an absolute libido killer. Finally, our first girl was born in December 2010 and she's the best thing ever. We didn't have much sex after her birth because she had terrible reflux and we never slept. Then, we tried for baby 2 with IVF and wife ended up pregnant with twins (girls) which were born in May 2013. The first year of twins is terrible as anyone with twins can tell you. Now they are a year old, but we're still tired all of the time. Sex has returned very infrequently. 1-2 times per month.

We're both tired. 3 kids is a lot of work. I get all of that. I do just as much with kids as wife. I'm 34, she's 43 so I HAVE to be hands on. She is constantly tired.

For those who have experienced a similar situation, when does the sex return? Obviously we have struggled with sex (as some of you have read from me in the past) for a long time with long-term infertility.

When we dated and were engaged, sex was frequent and fun. These days, it's still a lot of fun and can be very crazy when we actually have it. No compatibility issues at all. 

So...I have been on TAM for several years and read all of the stories about women losing attraction for their men, etc. etc. I'm aware it happens, but I think this is simply a "too many young kids for sex to be important" issue.

Thoughts? Thanks in advance!


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Having four kids (not all little at the same time) but still lots of work squeezing time alone in where you both aren't exhausted is tough.
As a guy I will tell you try to step up how much you do, give her as much of a break as you can, her being tired more than you will never help. I know when I was tired from everything in my day I was never too tired for that especially if it was infrequent but if she was tired than forget it not happening.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, baby sitters now that the youngest 2 are 1 some of the maintenance should be less.
Get anyone you know to babysit tell them you are going out to dinner go directly to a nice hotel instead and enjoy a few hours (well at least 1 hour) of some quality time may not be as frequent as you would like but quality.
Hang in there the older they get the more time (but not too much you're never that lucky) you can get alone.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I have 3 kids and 2 just graduated from college. The third is 15. I will let you know when the sex returns when I get to it.


:rofl:


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I just will reiterate that I don't know a single dad who is as hands-on as me. I recognize that my wife is a little bit older and along with her scoliosis, all of this is not as easy for her as it is for me. Therefore, I am just as elbow deep in parenting as she is and I try and give her as many breaks as possible. I'm always happy to have all three to myself just so she can get a manicure or pedicure or whatever. She also has a much more flexible job than I do so she does a lot of personal things during the day. All 3 are in daycare.

It just seems like by the time everyone is asleep, bottles are made, lunches are packed, dishes are cleaned, house is picked up and we finally have some time together, sex is never an option. 

When does that change, if at all?

We do take date nights at least 1x per month and sometimes 2x per month.

Sex usually occurs after those date nights and is usually pretty damned good.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

C123 said:


> I just will reiterate that I don't know a single dad who is as hands-on as me. I recognize that my wife is a little bit older and along with her scoliosis, all of this is not as easy for her as it is for me. Therefore, I am just as elbow deep in parenting as she is and I try and give her as many breaks as possible. I'm always happy to have all three to myself just so she can get a manicure or pedicure or whatever. She also has a much more flexible job than I do so she does a lot of personal things during the day. All 3 are in daycare.
> 
> It just seems like by the time everyone is asleep, bottles are made, lunches are packed, dishes are cleaned, house is picked up and we finally have some time together, sex is never an option.
> 
> ...


Any way to bump that to date nights once a week rather than once a month? That alone may increase the frequency.

Also, try making sex the priority after the kids are asleep. Have some alone time together first. Then worry about the bottles, lunches, dishes and picking up the house. Would hiring someone to come in an clean house once a week or a couple times a month help?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Once a week is too much for date nights. It's expensive to pay a babysitter to look after 3 kids. Then, add in dinner or whatever, and you're out $200 easy for the night.

We have a mother's helper who comes and cleans for 4 hours once per week. She does a nice job and the house stays relatively clean. Anyone who has 3 kids and 2 dogs knows "clean" is a relative term.

One of my wife's biggest priorities every night is making sure everything is done BEFORE we sit down and relax. It's something she is adamant about and I agree. Once I sit down, I'm done. Just too tired (but never too tired for sex!).

More date nights would be great, but with 3 kids in daycare, mortgage, car payments, etc...just need to be wise with money.

I do appreciate the input though!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

C123 said:


> Once a week is too much for date nights. It's expensive to pay a babysitter to look after 3 kids. Then, add in dinner or whatever, and you're out $200 easy for the night.
> 
> We have a mother's helper who comes and cleans for 4 hours once per week. She does a nice job and the house stays relatively clean. Anyone who has 3 kids and 2 dogs knows "clean" is a relative term.
> 
> ...


I do understand. Just be aware that nothing changes if nothing changes. So, if you can't or won't change some things to make sex more of a possibility, you may have to just wait around for the children to be older and less demanding.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Babies do kill sex drives in women. That is for bioloigcal reasons.

Now, to answer the question, you have to go on a journey of discovery.

Is your wife tired from having babies? Does she feel too old? Does she feel fat? Does she feel that sex is too dirty for mothers ? Do the babies represent what she wanted from you and therefore no longer has to have any sex with you? Do her freinds hate their husbands? Is her mother a feminist? Does she have PPD? And so on....

Each of these has a different course of action. Waiting for it to magically reappear is probably not your best idea.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Is your wife tired from having babies? Absolutely yes

Does she feel too old? For what? Sex? No. Motherhood? Sometimes!

Does she feel fat? Yes...unjustifiably, but yes nonetheless. Frankly, her body looks as good now as it ever has. I say that objectively too. She looks great, but has a little body dysmorphia going on.

Does she feel that sex is too dirty for mothers? No.

Do the babies represent what she wanted from you and therefore no longer has to have any sex with you? No...she knows she has to have sex with me but she just doesn't have the energy or desire to do it because life is overwhelming for her.

Do her freinds hate their husbands? Some of them yes, some of them no.

Is her mother a feminist? No.

Does she have PPD? Not likely, but possible in some small degree.


I've explored a lot of options. I made her go to the doctor for her mood issues (which I've discussed at length in prior posts) and she has not gotten her blood work done yet because it involves fasting and she needs a giant cup of coffee each day to get started. She even brought it up last night.

I hate to sound like it's all about sex for me because it's really not. I just want to know if this is normal behavior and whether over time, her libido will bounce back. Our journey has been different than most given that we spent a large part of marriage trying to have children. Sex was always on the back burner during that time for good reason. Now that we have children, I optimistically believe that sex for fun should become more and more regular.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

Im in a similar situation

We have 4 kids and all are under 10yrs and our youngest is 1yr old

She is a SAHM and i work long hours yet don't need to work 5 days a week so im home often.

We use lots of household utensils to cut down time drain jobs.
Dishwashers,Driers,Coffee peculators,Automated lawnmowers, plug Timers etc.
All these do help with time for those at home date nights.
_Ive made some posts on my situations here before_

The biggest bit of advice i can give you is if you ever wish to have sex again.

Dont have another child...
I don't wish to sound insensitive or be a Pig.
Its just my experience is this _babys as great as they are and we all love our children _babys seem to kill the libido of a woman in most situations and it takes years for it to return.

So what does this mean for you.

TIME... 
It will possibly take time and alot of work on your part and its no guarantee that your sex life will return to a more frequent state than 1 or 2 times a month.

I feel your pain i really do.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Probably not. Maybe when the kids hit college age her interest will outstrip yours.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

C123 said:


> For those who have experienced a similar situation, when does the sex return?


We don’t know what it’s like having twins or three children under four together. Yet we know what it’s like to have two kids under the age of four. We didn’t wait long after our first to get into it again, with our second we had to wait six weeks after a couple of stitches both of the kids were vaginal delivery.



C123 said:


> When we dated and were engaged, sex was frequent and fun.


Was your sex really frequent?

1-2x a week is infrequent as far as I’m concerned. If you are enjoying sex together while you are first dating and the sex is mostly 3-2x a week you are probably going to have an infrequent sex life.

When my wife and I started dating we had an average frequency of 10-6x a week, which through our 18 years together (we’ve been at it from the third date), has fallen to an average of 6-4x a week.



C123 said:


> No compatibility issues at all.


None?



C123 said:


> I recognize that my wife is a little bit older and along with her scoliosis, all of this is not as easy for her as it is for me.


My wife is 43 and she’s not dead yet, sex remains fun and frequent enough. Scoliosis may plays some role in this, does your wife have to endure pain during sex.



C123 said:


> It just seems like by the time everyone is asleep, bottles are made, lunches are packed, dishes are cleaned, house is picked up and we finally have some time together, sex is never an option.


Sometimes the house will survive if it isn’t picked up, anyway sex doesn’t have to be at bedtime, you can play in the late afternoon, early evening or in the morning etc.



C123 said:


> Does she feel too old? For what? Sex? No. Motherhood? Sometimes!


She’s not the only 43-year-old woman with children.



C123 said:


> she knows she has to have sex with me but she just doesn't have the energy or desire to do it


She does not have to have sex with you, although it would be nice if she did.

Sexless or almost sexless couples make far happier platonic housemates than happy husbands and wives.



C123 said:


> Do her freinds hate their husbands? Some of them yes, some of them no.


Her friend’s don’t determine the frequency of sex you share together.



C123 said:


> Is her mother a feminist? No.


Why do some men have problems with feminists?

I know a number of them and enjoy plenty of fun filled sex with my feminist wife. Perhaps if her mother was a feminist you might both be swinging from the chandeliers with frequent abandon.



C123 said:


> I just want to know if this is normal behavior and whether over time, her libido will bounce back.


It may or it may not, I’m still interested in what you believe is frequent? Since if it isn’t really frequent in the first place it’s bound to flat line over time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

C123 said:


> Once a week is too much for date nights. It's expensive to pay a babysitter to look after 3 kids. Then, add in dinner or whatever, and you're out $200 easy for the night.
> 
> ......
> 
> I do appreciate the input though!


A date does not have to cost $200. Dates are time away from the children with just the two of you.

Going to a coffee house for 2 hours for desert and coffee is a date. Going for a walk, talking and holding hands is a date (and it costs $0). In my town there are gallery crawls which cost $0.

There are things you can do that cost little to nothing.

If you want sex to return to your marriage, you need to make time to date your wife. Couples tend to forget about what brought them together to start with and then the marriage goes down hill. 

The best thing you could do for your children is to build a strong, passionate relationship with their mother.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It will help you figure this all out.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The best thing you could do for your children is to build a strong, passionate relationship with their mother.


:iagree:

That reminds me of the saying, The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If you want sex to return to your marriage, you need to make time to date your wife. Couples tend to forget about what brought them together to start with and then the marriage goes down hill.


Elegirl makes a very good point dating/time together is important. it's like exercise once you establish a routine it isn't a burden on your time, it's just what you do.

We've always stolen time alone together whenever we have been able to. It doesn't matter if it's 10 minutes or a whole day it makes a significant difference. Once you both start doing that it can quickly become routine.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pay a baby sitter, grab a bottle of wine and a bucket of chicken and go watch the sun set. Spread a blanket in some remote park and just be together relaxed.

If you want a sex life to return you have to put some work into the relationship. While I'm sure you are a very hand on father, getting 4 little ones fed, bathed and into bed is itself exhausting.

I recommend both you and your wife do all the chores from dinner time onward together, side by side. Touching each other frequently. Making little jokes only the two of you get. Don't split up you doing one thing while she does another. Do everything side by side. That alone will increase your quality time together.

Forgo as many extras as you can so you can invest in couple time now. Carpool, make your own coffee, use old cut up towels instead of paper napkins. Lots of ways to save a few pennies here and there in order to put some dollars into your relationship.

And yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, so long as you both walk through the tunnel together!


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Elegirl and Anon Pink...thank you. That was just the kind of advice I needed to hear. I always trust your opinions and I appreciate you chiming in here!

We need to date more. You're totally right. When we go on dates, we have FUN. We love being with each other and by the end of the date, we both are excited to get home to have sex.

The day to day life is different. We are super busy and 3 young kids require a lot of energy and attention. That doesn't mean that I don't want to have sex at the end of the day, but I can understand why it's not at the top of her list.

Thanks again for the advice. Sex is important to me and I want it to be important to her. Although I go out of my way to make life wonderful and as easy as possible for her, the fact is, she needs to be dated to feel romantic. I definitely see that now that I've had time to think about it.

And for the record...sex once a week is the perfect amount. I am HD, but I'm not shooting for the stars. Two times a week would be paradise, but I would happily live the rest of my life with sex once a week.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Find someone to take the kids for a night (grandparents, friends, etc). This is a major issue that we have - grandparents are too old and not in the condition to chase two almost three year olds around. We have friends that can do it, but the wife doesn't want to burden anyone with our kids - result is that we are in a routine every day/night with no time for sex. By the time the kids are settled in bed, it's almost time for us to go to bed. This is why we've had sex once in three plus years.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

*Outsource* as much as you can afford to do.
Worthless tasks like cutting the lawn; ironing; cleaning; washing the car. Anything you can possibly get somebody else to do, pay them and use the reclaimed time for more worthwhile stuff with the wifey.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

We paid an eleven year old to play with our kids outside while we stayed inside together on Saturday afternoons. It was still early in the day so we weren't beat down by the kids and we weren't worried because the kids were right outside being watched. Two hours to yourselves on Saturday afternoon is heaven when you have multiple children under five. 

We had four kids in five years and I remember the exhaustion...


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Also... she sounds like an acute case of SuperMom Syndrome. Her motherly instincts are so strong that she exhausts 100% of available time/energy on her kids. She may believe this is best for the kids but she doesn't realize this is actually VERY HARMFUL to the whole family unit. She is ignoring herself, her husband and her marriage, all of which is ultimately bad for the kids. They need a balanced mom in a solid marriage that includes some reasonable sexlife.

Talk to her. Explain how her 100% approach is BAD for the kids.
Instead of giving them 100%, she must dial that back to max of 90%. Trust me the kids will be just fine at 90%. The "extra" 10% should then be divided between time for herself (whatever makes her happy or feel good) and time for your marriage (ie, talking and sexing).


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## KeepingUpAppearances (Jul 14, 2013)

Once you have children your sex life is forever changed. That being said you must find ways to keep up the intimacy that won't always result in sex. I am a mom of 6 and I have had 5 children 8 and under at I time including a newborn.

You should try to give her some alone time, let get her nails or hair, take a hot bath or shower ( whatever she's into). If she a SAHM that break makes the difference. Do little things that make her feel special a text, or bring home something she really likes. Never do things expecting sex for it that's the worse!

Try to get out alone once in awhile. Even have an at home date while the children are asleep. Talk let her know you love her and you like being close to her emotionally and physically. You make sure she knows you still find her sexy. You may feel like you have to date her again. You can survive it and have some intimate time. It's tough and your being sensitive is key. 

Having children is a beautiful thing. It's easy to focus on being good parents and lose yourself as a couple in the process.

Good luck


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That reminds me of the saying, The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.


While I do love your quote jld, I like this one also," A wife needs to have an affair with her husband before another woman does"


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Not certain it would help... But keep conversations with her, constant communication is key.. And as others has said, make sure you keep dating your wife....

For us and our situation, for the longest it was children first, so shared duties we both had to combine efforts to juggle between care of our children, shifts were also key, sometimes I could rest sometimes she... But when the kids were sleep, we would talk, laugh play (if we didn't we would've went insane)... But, it was simple things, cooking together, watching a movie, sneaking in quality time when we could (which wasn't a lot)... Sex happened, but honestly wasn't a main focus, but when did we resume normal...? About three years is what I could remember, to be honest it was a blur... To be honest, multiples is an entirely different beast, you have to remember first that bond, and show her, remind her, and ultimately make her feel you are together in this... Multiples can be stressing and sometimes a strain on marriage, but it'll need both of you to be committed...

I should know, it's hard to keep that love, lust, and drive as a father to triplets....


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

All of the advice given is wonderful.

I will say that she is not a "supermom". She is a wonderful mother and the children are lucky to have her, but she has plenty of time to do things she wants to do. She takes trips with her high school girlfriends, gets her nails done whenever, gets massages, etc. I encourage all of it, because there are things I like to do occasionally too. We spend the vast majority of time together, doing stuff with kids whether it's museums, aquariums or just a weekend at the pool.

We have, mostly, a very wonderful marriage. We've had some communications issues a few times that we've worked through very well. In fact, I posted about one of them just recently. That's one of the things I love about us is that we have never discussed throwing in the towel. We're both committed to a lifelong marriage.

I was just hoping against hope that as the kids got a bit older and more independent and less EXHAUSTING (which they absolutely are), that her libido would increase. I will stay optimistic and do everything I can do to help it along because ultimately, at the end of the day, the sex is what makes us more than just best friends and roommates. 

Thanks again for all the advice!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

C123 said:


> wants to do. She takes trips with her high school girlfriends, gets her nails done whenever, gets massages, etc. I encourage all of it, because there are things I like to do occasionally too.



Most guys here would love trips with high school girlfriends and getting massages. Not sure about the nails part :rofl:

It does get better when they get a bit older like the younger ones are maybe 5-6. Then you have a golden window from that age to 12-14. Teenagers are a lot of work. Then another golden time once they leave for college.

And even then...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> While I do love your quote jld, I like this one also," A wife needs to have an affair with her husband before another woman does"


Lol! They are complementary!


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