# Preparations are almost done, anxious to have "the talk"



## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

I have seen my lawyer, with a follow-up to get a few more questions answered next week. I have an appt set for me to see the MC next week. I am planning to ask husband to leave. I will not engage in too much discussion with him, other than to give him the reasons I want him to go. I will tell him to meet me for MC if he has any desire to better understand how we got here or reconcile, but that choice is up to him. I considered allowing him to stay in the house while going through MC, but I really think he needs to leave. I am open to a reconciliation but he will have to come to MC and work through our problems to determine if there is even a marriage to be saved. I am spending the next few weeks getting all my ducks in a row, bank accounts, PO Box, safe deposit box, etc. I have a night when both kids will be at friends houses in 3 weeks, and that is when I will have the talk with my husband. I am so scared, only because I don't have ANY clue how he will react. But I am more scared of living like this forever…so it's time. I would love to hear how "the talk" went for others whose spouses may not have seen it coming. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What does your lawyer say about your options in getting him out of the house? In most cases, he's as entitled to be there as you are. 

Telling a spouse something like this is very difficult, but you have to look at it as the first step in fixing your life. For me, it was like an incredible weight was lifted from me. Of course, it got dumped onto HER shoulders then, but that's another story... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

PBear, that is one of the questions I am going to ask the lawyer. If we have to be separated for a year, how do I get him to separate if he isn't willing to go peacefully….I believe in our state no sex for a year actually counts as separated, but not sure.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You'll have to ask your lawyer what your options are. In my opinion though... If you're the one who's unhappy, you should be the one to make alternate living arrangements. Even if he's being an asshat, he has as much right to live in the marital house as you do. You can ask him to leave, you can try to negotiate with him to get him to leave, but you might not be able to force him to leave if he doesn't want to. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

PBear,
He does have every right to stay. The problem is that we have young children and this is their home. I am a SAHM and the primary caregiver. He would have no way of keeping them in the home and caring for them, that is why I would ask him to be the one to leave. I want him to continue a good relationship with his kids, and will in no way prevent him from seeing them. If we did reconcile, they will never have to leave their home. If we do not, then once a divorce is final, I would expect to sell the house and move into a more financially manageable home. 
I am also considering an in-home separation, which is legal in our state, but I have concerns about that option.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I get what you're saying, and I'm mostly playing devil's advocate. But look at it from his perspective. You're unhappy. So why should HE have to move out into a new smaller/less convenient place because of that? To give up the living conditions he's worked to provide over the years, to not sleep in his own bed?

Hopefully he can see reason, and will accept the idea of getting to start fresh. I'm just suggesting that you know what your (and his) rights are, and be as prepared as possible. Because once you open this can of worms, things can get very chaotic. Knowing your rights in advance can provide you a very useful advantage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

PBear,
I wish everyone could win, but they can't. I am an empath, and even though so many bad things have happened I find myself wanting to make everyone happy and accommodate him (even though he has been a tough one to love, to say the least.) I am fighting my urge to play too nice, while still remaining fair. I will see what the lawyer says. I appreciate your input. Devil's advocates really are an angel's best friend.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"No sex," in no way, implies separation in any of our states. That can only be used to show marital discord! It is only a symptom of a dysfunctional marriage and does not meet the legal standard for separation on its own accord.

If that were truly the case, then overseas workers who rarely, if ever, come back stateside could be filed against. And in our legal system, only after a certain amount of time, then the various state jurisdictions can rule as whether that is deemed to be either abandonment or alienation of affection. Given that if the distant working spouse can sufficiently show proof that they are sharing their overseas financial earnings with the stateside spouse, then that is not deemed to be separation, in and of itself! 

But the lack of spousal sex in a relationship really has nothing to do with separation, per se!*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I was hoping someone else would jump in too. . And I don't think I've ever been referred to as an angel's best friend!

I hope your husband can see that what you're proposing is best for everyone. All depends on how reasonable he wants to be. Which may depend on how you present things to him. You say you have MC scheduled for next week, but then you say you're going to talk to him in 3 weeks. Your idea of offering MC is a good one. Maybe not as an ultimatum right away, but you want to send the message of how seriously close to the edge you are. This will allow him to hopefully start accepting the possibility of the end of the marriage. Which may reduce his shock compared to just dropping the bomb on him. That's the approach I took with my STBXW. Not sure how successful it was, but it made me feel like I tried to soften the blow. 

Good luck! This sucks on many levels, but it WILL be a huge relief as you start dumping stuff off your plate

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I read the beginning of your other thread. He sounds a lot like my ex. 
The difference is that I continually tried to talk to him about our problems and work them out so it wasn't a surprise at all when I said I wanted a divorce. 
He was very sad and cried and said he loved me so much and would do anything. We separated and then tried to reconcile and he just was exactly the same and was actively doing things to hurt our marriage even more. 

I know you care for him but it sounds like he's just phoning it in and keeping you around for appearance sake, to keep the illusion of a good family alive. He sounds like he is so disconnected from you that he might even think he's doing you a favor by staying. 

People who are like this will do and say anything to avoid inconvienence (having to spend time with the kids alone), and he won't want to have to pay alimony and child support. I would just keep that in mind if there are tears and promises of change.
He could change but he has to prove himself. 

Good luck.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

Oldfaithful,
i believe he will act clueless and deny,deny,deny. He will not want to change the life he become accustomed to. I am trying to prepare myself for whatever he throws at me, whether it be sugar or insult-really unsure of which way it will go. 
Arbitrator,
I believe you exactly correct. I read some misinformation about the "no sex"=seperation. Thankfully I have good counsel to keep me straight. 
PBear,
Yes, I have a MC appt scheduled for myself next week, and hope to use her to prepare me for what lies ahead. Hopefully he will go see her with me after I talk to him, but I am not holding my breath. He has refused counseling up to now. My lawyer suggested I get a MC for therapy and to show that I am making an effort, in good faith.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

1.) If the home is marital and he's been living there, the only way to remove him (legally and on the up and up) is through an eviction after motioning the court for "Exclusive Use of the Home".

2.) Why can't he stay in the home and raise the and care for the children? Is he incapable? Plenty of parents, both married and single, work outside the home. There are options for daycare and parenting schedules that could address that.

3.) Why do separation? If you want a divorce then file a no-fault. That is, if you're in a state that allows for that.

4.) Once you tell him to leave and that you are pursuing a divorce it may actually provide him grounds under Cruel Treatment as demonstrated loss of affection to file against you for divorce. That could mess with your time table. I can tell you it was valid enough in NY before No-Fault made it's way here.

5.) Be cautious when "securing assets" such as bank accounts, marital funds, etc. If not conducted properly it can really bite into you later on.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

cagedrat said:


> Oldfaithful,
> i believe he will act clueless and deny,deny,deny. He will not want to change the life he become accustomed to. I am trying to prepare myself for whatever he throws at me, whether it be sugar or insult-really unsure of which way it will go.
> Arbitrator,
> I believe you exactly correct. I read some misinformation about the "no sex"=seperation. Thankfully I have good counsel to keep me straight.
> ...


Here's what I did. I said I can't live with you anymore. One of us has to go, how should we handle this? Make it his choice. I highly doubt he is going to want to uproot your kids. 
Usually given the choice they will leave because then they get to go have their own private space that you aren't allowed in and they can come back to visit (usually whenever they want). 
That is the hard part. Just because he gets an apartment doesn't mean he won't come back whenever he feels like it. 

Have a plausible back up for where you will go if he calls your bluff.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> The problem is that we have young children and this is their home. I am a SAHM and the primary caregiver. He would have no way of keeping them in the home and caring for them, that is why I would ask him to be the one to leave.


I'm just warning you. This could blow up in your face. He could end up better off divorced, become a changed man, then another woman gets the benefit of a changed man. Then, your kids end up wanting to live with him. All of that including what are you going to do for a job? Income? You need that lined up before you start giving ultimatums and asking people to leave. 

Sorry, it is life.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Oldfaithful said:


> Here's what I did. I said I can't live with you anymore. One of us has to go, how should we handle this? Make it his choice. I highly doubt he is going to want to uproot your kids.
> Usually given the choice they will leave because then they get to go have their own private space that you aren't allowed in and they can come back to visit (usually whenever they want).
> That is the hard part. Just because he gets an apartment doesn't mean he won't come back whenever he feels like it.
> 
> Have a plausible back up for where you will go if he calls your bluff.


Of course, he could just say...."I'm staying. I don't want this. You do. Take me to court for the kids." 

Judges have become VERY happy to do a 50/50 arrangement, and he will be in the family home. Good luck.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> Here's what I did. I said I can't live with you anymore. One of us has to go, how should we handle this? Make it his choice. I highly doubt he is going to want to uproot your kids.
> Usually given the choice they will leave because then they get to go have their own private space that you aren't allowed in and they can come back to visit (usually whenever they want).
> That is the hard part. Just because he gets an apartment doesn't mean he won't come back whenever he feels like it.
> 
> Have a plausible back up for where you will go if he calls your bluff.


Why would her leaving imply uprooting of the children? Ridiculous!

If she leaves and removes the children from the home pending a court order the father can easily motion for return and the court will likely grant it unless she presents extenuating circumstances. 

It's a matter of best interests of the children and what the law says about the matter. Not about common perceptions and stereotypical actions.

If he does leave then you should motion for exclusive use. This allows you to change the locks and keep him from the property legally.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Malpheous said:


> Why would her leaving imply uprooting of the children? Ridiculous!
> 
> If she leaves and removes the children from the home pending a court order the father can easily motion for return and the court will likely grant it unless she presents extenuating circumstances.
> 
> ...


Basically, she needs to get her crap together. Get a job, get a plan...do not rely on hubby.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> Why would her leaving imply uprooting of the children? Ridiculous!
> 
> If she leaves and removes the children from the home pending a court order the father can easily motion for return and the court will likely grant it unless she presents extenuating circumstances.
> 
> ...


Because she's a SAHM and he's a surgeon. If they both had 40 hour a week jobs or he was a SAHD this would be different. 
She does the majority of child care and if she leaves they will be leaving too. I don't know why that's so difficult to comprehend?


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Of course, he could just say...."I'm staying. I don't want this. You do. Take me to court for the kids."
> 
> Judges have become VERY happy to do a 50/50 arrangement, and he will be in the family home. Good luck.


Sure he could. Have you never played poker? It's a bluff.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I guess I am a little confused, Your intent is to divorce yet your are going to MC next week and then planning on telling him in 3 weeks. What happens if he does show up at MC and shows a genuine interest in working on the marriage, he has a couple week trial period before you have a talk?

You seem pretty determined that divorce is the option you want, going to MC to see if your marriage is worth saving is kind of pointless, expecting a 3rd party to tell you its worth saving is the wrong approach. Giving him options like coming to MC and then shortly afterwards telling him you want a divorce and move out will only create a larger confrontation. Its like your giving the marriage a false hope, then yanking it away. 

The more emotional and confrontational you make the situation the more he will dig his heals in and be less willing to accommodate any request you have. You telling him to move out will only convince himself, its his house and he is staying. 

I just think you would be far better off in the long run, having a talk, laying the cards on the table so both of you clearly understand what is at risk instead of the cloak and dagger approach. Either way it isn’t a pleasant experience but the more determined and straightforward you are the more he will probably respect the decisions and understand what is at stake and be more willing to work on either reconciling or divorce. Your also making assumptions about items, the house for example that if approached wrong will just create more fights and more lawyer costs really.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Oldfaithful said:


> Sure he could. Have you never played poker? It's a bluff.


I'll go tell my friend that with almost these exact circumstances. He shouldn't have gotten 50/50 awarded by a judge because of his "bluff".


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Why would you expect your husband to leave if you are the one that wants to end the marriage? I think you should leave. I also believe that it's not fair to expect custody of the children or alimony as you are the one trying to break your marriage contract.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

He broke the marriage contract many times over. I just plan to end the pain of him doing so by using legal means. I am hoping for an amicable situation, but doubt that is possible. He is not in a position to take care of the household or the kids, thats why he has kept me around. I do maintain his life so he can live it. He will not want this divorce for that reason. Time will tell what arrangement we can work out. I am not looking to "stick it to him" or get a free ride. I want some peace for all of us and a chance to live honestly and without constant pain. I am well educated and prepared to work, but I am also trying to honor the decision we made to have one parent available to our children as a source of stability and involvement in their upbringing. He would like to be there for them on a more active level but just cannot be that person, and he recognizes this fact. Just because we divorce does not mean all of a sudden that our reasons for having me be a SAHM change. Many issues to work through and unravel, I hope he is wiling to communicate, for once, to work through these issues. I do not take the "marriage contract" lightly, nor do I plan to allow someone to hold me emotionally hostage.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

wilderness said:


> Why would you expect your husband to leave if you are the one that wants to end the marriage? I think you should leave. I also believe that it's not fair to expect custody of the children or alimony as you are the one trying to break your marriage contract.


Why should I not expect custody when he is no position to maintain custody and I have been their primary caregiver? Why should I not expect alimony when I put my career aside so he could expand his own and I worked inside the home for our family? We decided together that it was in our children's best interest for me to be a SAHM. We did not decide it was in our best interest for him to live a life outside of our marriage that is completely against the marriage contract. We decided I would not use my higher education to work so that he COULD use his higher education to work. We decided together that I would contribute a certain skill set to this marriage, which I have honored. He has not done the same. Yet, I am the bad guy? I agreed to do these things because I loved him and agreed it was best for our family. I thought we were a team, we are not. I thought he would be true to this marriage, he is not.
I am not doing anything wrong, and I will not allow you to make me believe I am. I have tried to get him to MC, I have tried to talk to him, I have tried to love him enough for the both of us, I have tried to save this marriage for 14 years. He has not, nor does he seem to think he has any responsibility to do so. Therefore, I have no responsibility to continue this way, and not expect him to support the decisions we made to raise our children a certain way. He is still their father and needs to continue to provide a life for them that he agreed he wanted them to have. I look forward to returning to work and doing what I got my degrees to do, but my first priority is to my children and the promise I made to raise them. And I expect him to make them his first priority, as well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

cagedrat said:


> Why should I not expect custody when he is no position to maintain custody and I have been their primary caregiver? Why should I not expect alimony when I put my career aside so he could expand his own and I worked inside the home for our family? We decided together that it was in our children's best interest for me to be a SAHM. We did not decide it was in our best interest for him to live a life outside of our marriage that is completely against the marriage contract. We decided I would not use my higher education to work so that he COULD use his higher education to work. We decided together that I would contribute a certain skill set to this marriage, which I have honored. He has not done the same. Yet, I am the bad guy? I agreed to do these things because I loved him and agreed it was best for our family. I thought we were a team, we are not. I thought he would be true to this marriage, he is not.
> I am not doing anything wrong, and I will not allow you to make me believe I am. I have tried to get him to MC, I have tried to talk to him, I have tried to love him enough for the both of us, I have tried to save this marriage for 14 years. He has not, nor does he seem to think he has any responsibility to do so. Therefore, I have no responsibility to continue this way, and not expect him to support the decisions we made to raise our children a certain way. He is still their father and needs to continue to provide a life for them that he agreed he wanted them to have. I look forward to returning to work and doing what I got my degrees to do, but my first priority is to my children and the promise I made to raise them. And I expect him to make them his first priority, as well.


Don't bother trying to explain yourself to wilderness. In his world the only vow that matters is the one promising to stay married; everything in the marriage is a free for all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

honcho,
To clarify, my appt for counseling is for me. I always wanted him to go, and he wouldn't. I will still go to discuss how we got here, if there is something I am not seeing, my part in this, and the future. When I tell my husband that we are now at the place where divorce is imminent, I will invite hint to come to MC to discuss the relationship, if he so chooses. If through therapy, we find there is more there to save than I now see, then we could possibly reconcile during our separation. I just don't see that happening, thus the divorce in the first place. I am open to discovering truths that are good for us, together or separately. Does that clarify my reasoning, a bit?

I am getting my legal ducks in a row before I talk to him because I need to protect myself. I do not know how he will react and if has already seen a lawyer himself. If I wait until he knows I want to get a divorce for me to prepare myself legally, I could find myself blowing in the wind.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

cagedrat said:


> Why should I not expect custody when he is no position to maintain custody and I have been their primary caregiver? Why should I not expect alimony when I put my career aside so he could expand his own and I worked inside the home for our family? We decided together that it was in our children's best interest for me to be a SAHM. We did not decide it was in our best interest for him to live a life outside of our marriage that is completely against the marriage contract. We decided I would not use my higher education to work so that he COULD use his higher education to work. We decided together that I would contribute a certain skill set to this marriage, which I have honored. He has not done the same. Yet, I am the bad guy? I agreed to do these things because I loved him and agreed it was best for our family. I thought we were a team, we are not. I thought he would be true to this marriage, he is not.
> I am not doing anything wrong, and I will not allow you to make me believe I am. I have tried to get him to MC, I have tried to talk to him, I have tried to love him enough for the both of us, I have tried to save this marriage for 14 years. He has not, nor does he seem to think he has any responsibility to do so. Therefore, I have no responsibility to continue this way, and not expect him to support the decisions we made to raise our children a certain way. He is still their father and needs to continue to provide a life for them that he agreed he wanted them to have. I look forward to returning to work and doing what I got my degrees to do, but my first priority is to my children and the promise I made to raise them. And I expect him to make them his first priority, as well.


Did you and your husband agree that divorcing would be best for the children? This divorce will be horrible on them. Why not at least try to save the marriage?


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

wilderness,
I sense I cannot make you understand that I have tried and that this marriage was a farce from the beginning. My children will suffer, and I am deeply saddened by that. I wasn't cut out to be a doormat and I don't want my kids to grow up thinking a husband can treat a wife this way and that what we have is an example of a real marriage. I obviously do not give him what he needs and vice-versa.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

cagedrat said:


> wilderness,
> I sense I cannot make you understand that I have tried and that this marriage was a farce from the beginning. My children will suffer, and I am deeply saddened by that. I wasn't cut out to be a doormat and I don't want my kids to grow up thinking a husband can treat a wife this way and that what we have is an example of a real marriage. I obviously do not give him what he needs and vice-versa.


You said you think he is cheating. Have you ever found any evidence of that? 
I think some people just side with their own gender in every situation no matter what the circumstances are. Don't try to justify yourself when they are just going to side with men no matter what.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I'll go tell my friend that with almost these exact circumstances. He shouldn't have gotten 50/50 awarded by a judge because of his "bluff".


I don't think her husband wants 50/50. Is your friend a surgeon?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> Because she's a SAHM and he's a surgeon. If they both had 40 hour a week jobs or he was a SAHD this would be different.
> She does the majority of child care and if she leaves they will be leaving too. I don't know why that's so difficult to comprehend?


Because my ex tried that and failed miserably. Simple...

SAHM doesn't make a person the default care provider. There are two parents. If they're both involved parents then it doesn't need to change.

My ex tried a trumped up TRO. She failed. In response I requested exclusive use and her eviction. I won that. She moved out and took our D12 with her. I filed an emergency petition for the return of D12 to the marital home with a temporary custody order. Took a week to get in front of the Judge. Got D12 returned. Temp order named me as primary legal and residential until a full order and divorce were in place. With make-up time for the time she had removed and hidden the child from me.

I guess it's because I think beyond stereotypes and 'how it's always been'.

Are married, working fathers not parents all of a sudden? Why is it so difficult to comprehend that a SAHM and an surgeon can still exercise a 50/50 parenting schedule and that the child(ren) would benefit from that? 

You don't get to just run off with children just because they're yours. They're another parent's child also. The marital home provides more stability.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> I don't think her husband wants 50/50. Is your friend a surgeon?


Perhaps he does. There are always more than one side to any story. Usually many more than two even.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You both agreed to the situation you are in currently, but you are unhappy. Sort of like the other 75-80% of women who initiate divorce. I hope that you can find happiness. I find it interesting that of the majority of women who divorce do it because they are unhappy, not because they have a bad marriage. Remember, you are responsible for your happiness, no one else.

Let's drop reconcilation, you have planned and taken action to divorce. You are not planning to turn back now, let's be honest. 

What are your intentions to maintain a household on your own when you do separate? What are your objectives with regards to custody and marital property? Please don't say primary custody with a majority of the parenting time, child suppport, and alimony because you were forced to be a SAHM.

Legally, he is a parent and entitled to a minimim of 50/50 parenting time and 50% of marital assets. Since you all were married over 10 years, there is a good chance at alimony. Being married to a surgeon that makes well into the 6 figures, I am sure that you have run the numbers. 

My bigger question is how much are you going to fight? If you are offered 50/50 parenting, half the assets, child support based on his income and your income inputed at a level based on your schooling, and a modest alimony not to exceed 10 years, what would you do? All I can say is if you are doing this for your children, then show them how adults come to an amiable agreement without resorting to court. All court brings are lawyers, fighting, and a lot of wasted money.

To your original question, being on the receiving end of "the talk" it sucked. I was the recipient of the "I'm not happy" speech and "I think we need to separate." Since I suspect that you have no intention of reconciliation, why not just have your lawyer write up papers and just give them to him when you sit down? Offer a reasonable solution to the questions above and move forward. 

I hate it when women beat around the bush. My ex kept saying that she just needed time and that we could re-examine our relationship after some [unknown] period of time. It was all BS as she was just trying to let me down easy. Men prefer if you are just up front with what you really want. Who cares if it hurts, don't make me guess what it is that you are really trying to say.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

C3156 said:


> You both agreed to the situation you are in currently, but you are unhappy. Sort of like the other 75-80% of women who initiate divorce. I hope that you can find happiness. I find it interesting that of the majority of women who divorce do it because they are unhappy, not because they have a bad marriage. Remember, you are responsible for your happiness, no one else.
> 
> Let's drop reconcilation, you have planned and taken action to divorce. You are not planning to turn back now, let's be honest.
> 
> ...


So he's cheated on her, he takes Viagra every day do he can each off to porn, doesn't have sex with her but that isn't a bad marriage?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Cagedrat,

Your decision to divorce makes good sense. You need not apologize to anyone for it.

Are you worried about his ability to cope with post D life? Is there a danger he will discombobulate?


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

I have read every post. I appreciate the support, and the devil's advocates. I still want a marriage with the man I hoped he was, not the man I know he is. The decision to end a marriage isn't easy. Every member here should know that. I came to this decision because I believe it is right, not because it is easy, or that I expect my husband to make me happy, or that I want to be free with my husbands alimony check to go spend on diamonds. I'm torn up that my children will be dealing with a divorced home. I wish I was more important to him than porn. I wish he would talk to me, about anything, without criticizing me. I wish he hadn't spent the last 14 years stonewalling every attempt I made to communicate with him, I wish he would look at me with the eyes of a husband who finds his wife attractive, I wish he had a happy heart for anything that had to do with me. Our marriage didn't just go downhill over years due to getting complacent and being in "a bad place." This decision is based on a long-term marriage that never meant the same to one partner as it did to the other. It is time for us to be free from each other and the pain that comes from knowing you cannot share a partnership.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

Longwalk,
I am worried about him post D because I don't really know him. I have no idea how he is going to react or cope. I am not sure if he will go the "mad she did this to me, not my fault, she's just being a vindictive witch" route or the "I always knew I was impossible to live with, how could I have let this happen" route. It's sad that I don't even know him well enough to know how he feels. I suppose thats how we got here. He's got a decent relationship with our kids, but his mentality with other peoples divorce has been that the kids belong to the mom….so I hope he will maintain his relationship with is children after. He also says when other people that divorce that the wives are nuts for leaving their husbands when they get to live like queens. He has never understood that not all women are looking to be taken care of…some of us actually want a respectful partner and not a sugar-daddy. I don't think he will get therapy for himself but I hope he does.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

C3156-
I think you make many assumptions just by the questions you ask. I am educated and welcome a chance to return to a professional field of work. I am not a gold digger and want to protect my husbands reputation so that my children will not be aware of the adult issues that their father has. I want his reputation in the community to be clean so his practice will thrive, he has worked hard to build it and is good at what he does. My intentions are to attempt to get him to agree that this divorce needs to happen and see if we can negotiate, through our lawyers, a reasonable agreement. I NEVER said I was forced to be a SAHM, it has been an honor and a privilege to do that. I am grateful we were in a financial position to allow that to even be an option. I don't stop being a good person because I don't want one in an unhealthy marriage, but it sounds like you question the ability for somebody to try to leave with dignity and grace from a very undignified and disrespectful situation.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

Malpheous,
My husband has stated in the past that he thinks the children belong to the mom. I hope he will want to share custody, though is work will make that very difficult for him. He is able to have a relationship with them because I facilitate it. They need that and I will do whatever I can to maintain their fathers presence in their life, not just his child support check.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

cagedrat said:


> Why should I not expect custody when he is no position to maintain custody and I have been their primary caregiver? Why should I not expect alimony when I put my career aside so he could expand his own and I worked inside the home for our family? We decided together that it was in our children's best interest for me to be a SAHM. We did not decide it was in our best interest for him to live a life outside of our marriage that is completely against the marriage contract. We decided I would not use my higher education to work so that he COULD use his higher education to work. We decided together that I would contribute a certain skill set to this marriage, which I have honored. He has not done the same. Yet, I am the bad guy? I agreed to do these things because I loved him and agreed it was best for our family. I thought we were a team, we are not. I thought he would be true to this marriage, he is not.
> I am not doing anything wrong, and I will not allow you to make me believe I am. I have tried to get him to MC, I have tried to talk to him, I have tried to love him enough for the both of us, I have tried to save this marriage for 14 years. He has not, nor does he seem to think he has any responsibility to do so. Therefore, I have no responsibility to continue this way, and not expect him to support the decisions we made to raise our children a certain way. He is still their father and needs to continue to provide a life for them that he agreed he wanted them to have. I look forward to returning to work and doing what I got my degrees to do, but my first priority is to my children and the promise I made to raise them. And I expect him to make them his first priority, as well.


Hey caged… 

I did the exact same thing as you… and lost myself in the process… You might want to read the book "Lean In'… it offers an interesting perspective on women in the workforce.

It is insane how little respect and appreciation is given to women who stay home while the husband furthers his career, and then when you've had enough of cleaning his laundry etc… you walk away with nothing, no career, the kids etc. At least the laws are less antiquated now with regards to awarding child care and alimony. 

Glad you are getting counselling for yourself, I have found mine very useful.


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