# Ilynilwy :(



## WhiskyTangoFoxtrot (Nov 13, 2011)

Hello everyone.

Finally heard the dreaded words from the Wife last week after finally asking her to open up and give me a clue to what she was feeling - dwindling sex life and an increase in FB activity had raised a few flags. 

A bit of background on myself: I have always been a jealous, insecure type of person, with a horrible possesive streak that I've been trying to deal with for years with some limited successes, but often leading to horrible arguments when I make comments that I don't need to make etc. and asking tons of questions after her nights out with friends. Sometimes, I'd love to be able to disconnect my brain and my mouth so I can;t blurt out the stupid stuff that I do  I do want to fix this, and have tried so hard - it amazes me that wifey put up so long!

We've been married for 6 years, together for 10 with 3 amazing kids. The marriage, it's fair to say has been left unattended for most of it's short life. I have a very demanding job in finance, and my wife stayed home to raise the children (which is more stressful than my job!) I feel like (read know) we haven't communicated at all during the course of the relationship, and that we've been like lodgers that occasionaly have sex with each other. 

When I asked her about her feelings she told me that ILYNILWY, and that she felt we're two different people now, and that she just didn't "feel the same way " anymore. I suggested marriage counselling to which she readily agreed, and we're waiting to hear back from the counsillor on a suitable date to start the sessions.

I had been trying to change things too about myself to see if I could change her perception of me - such as helping out with things round the house when I get in from the office, and trying to liven up my wardrobe and lose a bit of weight.


We're still living together, and sleeping in the same bed though she does go out of her way to be in a different room from me. She says that she needs space, and I can appreciate that. My moving out isn't an option neither is it an option for her to.

I guess I'm writing this wall of text just to vent a bit but also to ask has anyone else out there gone through this? 

My wife is my #1 gal, and I can't think of a future without her right now, I just want to get the love back between us and really make this work.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Do you know who her lover is yet?


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## WhiskyTangoFoxtrot (Nov 13, 2011)

The first question that I asked, naturally, was "is there someone else?" She says no, and I trust her on this, she hasn't given me any reasons not to the whole time we've been together - I think if she was, the counselling would have been a non-starter.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot said:


> The first question that I asked, naturally, was "is there someone else?" She says no, and I trust her on this, she hasn't given me any reasons not to the whole time we've been together - I think if she was, the counselling would have been a non-starter.


Ok, but I was just thinking ...

You get the ILYBINILWY and then she "NEEDS HER SPACE" even though she can`t really get any physical space from you (Same house) so she must mean emotional space and that would leave her emotional space ...open??

Can`t think of anyone who might be filling that space for her?

Haven`t even considered taking a look?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I would start secretly digging. She gave you two huge red flags... ILYNILWY and then needing space.... Huge red flags. I'm not saying that she's definitely cheating, but I'd be checking her phone/emails/maybe even have someone follow her during her "girl night out" to clear that possibility.

My husband gave me the ILYNILWY and "I need space" when he was having an EA with a girl he had a crush on throughout high school, so to me - hearing those things really makes me wonder.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> A bit of background on myself: I have always been a jealous, insecure type of person, with a horrible possesive streak that I've been trying to deal with for years with some limited successes, but often leading to horrible arguments when I make comments that I don't need to make etc. and asking tons of questions after her nights out with friends. Sometimes, I'd love to be able to disconnect my brain and my mouth so I can;t blurt out the stupid stuff that I do  I do want to fix


Or you are a Nice Guy she has convinced is jealous and insecure and has all the issues. Or myabe a bit of both.

Jealousy is hard wired into men when they suspect that their wife is seeking and or getting attention from other men. It is a primary defense against infidelity.

What type of nights out are we talking about? How late? With whom? How often?

Are the kids in school yet? Do you have access to her Facebook, cell phone(s) and emall account(s)?

See Married Man Sex Life. 

You probably outght to do His Needs her Needs with your wife. Part of this is about discussing, defining and agreeing to boundaries. It sounds like there are no verifiable boundaries. Major trouble.

Also see the manning up / nice guy references in the Men's Clubhouse.

BUT, I agree that the very first thing is to validate that there is not an affair going on here. Sounds like the stage has been set for this. It is key to go about this with some urgency as EAs can often be headed off before they get too very far. However, usually when it gets to posting on here about one's jealousy issues it is pretty far along already and close to the meltdown stage and a PA.

You will hear the words, jealous, insecure and controlling from cheaters and their supporters. So you need to just let that stuff roll off your back. Also there is no privacy in a marriage when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. So transparency is expected in the communications that are used.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot said:


> The first question that I asked, naturally, was *"is there someone else?" She says no,* and I trust her on this, she hasn't given me any reasons not to the whole time we've been together - I think if she was, the counselling would have been a non-starter.


If someone is cheating or doing inappropriate things this is how that would go down.

Blind trust is being lazy and not investing in the rtelationship. Relationships take effort. Blind trust is not looking out for your spouse and shows little understanding of EAs.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

How do you show your wife that she is your #1 gal? If there is no communication, what exactly is there? You said you are roomates that occasionally have sex together. That isn't showing her that she is important to you at all.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You are exactly where I was two years ago.... I heard ILYNILWY also. I was probably a "better" husband so your hole you both dug might be a bit deeper. Sorry. 

The good news is it can be fixed. The bad news is it's going to take a long time...years most likely. Are you game?

Here is what I'd do right now if I could take a time machine back.

First back off and stop talking or trying to pull her back. ANYTHING you say can and WILL be used against you... watch what you say. That's why I write letters she keeps them and I had a chance to write and re-write them until they said exactly what I wanted to get across. I even read her my letters so she hears my voice. Very effective.

Now here is your plan.

1. At some point in the near future you need to sincerely apologize for your part in your wife falling out of love with you (write her a heartfelt apology). Tell her that you sincerely want to work on becoming a better man for yourself because you know you have something to learn from this. Ask for her permission to share your "discoveries" with her every so often about your personal journey of becoming a better man and father.

If she agrees...GREAT
If she disagrees...GREAT just make up a little card she can present you with anytime she wants an update on your journey.

Now...LET HER GO! I mean it LET HER GO. Be nice be happy but DO NOT BE NEEDY.

Start learning about women's needs in your down time.

Give it a month at least... then ask if you can share your new discoveries. Repeat this every few weeks as you learn new stuff. Most importantly do these things to her. Don't push sex.

Let her see that you are changing and let her come back to you.

In about six months ask her for a date to introduce the new you to her.... keep dating until she makes a move back to you.

If you are lucky and play your cards right you may win her back in 6mo to 1year... I didn't do this and I'm just winning my wife back at two years.... it's hell but he payoff is worth it.

This method comes from mosty Calle Zorro he knows his stuff. It might be worth it to spend the $100 on his sexual marriage package. Worth the $$$.

Good luck on your journey. IT's a tough long road ahead full of mental anguish! Keep your eye on the prize if you Love you wife.... Remember "for better or for worse"


BTW snoop in the meantime if there is OM you need to know. In my case there was no OM so you might be safe. But don't assume... snoop!

This will be the hardest thing you ever did in your life! It will be hell... better be ready.

Be upbeat and be happy always around her.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

:iagree:

It is not he end. It is a test of the marrige. At least she has told you how she feels And you have a place to begin the fix. If you know in your heart you want to be with her, Prove your worth to her. I got the same phrase two years ago. Here are my recomendations

Stop freaking out and pounding her with questions and talks. Give her space. Be kind patient and empathetic to her feelings and needs.

Focus on working out your issues. Whether the marrige works or not you will be a better person for the rest of your life and prepared for YOUR future.

Once your confidence is restored and know in your heart you have done everything you could have possibly done to save the marriage ask her point blank " what do you want to do" you may be suprised by the answer. I was. I ignored the phrase the first couple times I had heard it. Things became unbearable. I knew I loved my wife and decided to fight for our marriage until I was told I want a divorce from her lips. Those words never came from her mouth and We have begun to turn the corner. It is a hard road ahead my man! Too many quit before they should. Marriage is a constant struggle that defines who we are and what love and devotion truely is. 

Good luck


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lpad said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It is not he end. It is a test of the marrige. At least she has told you how she feels And you have a place to begin the fix. If you know in your heart you want to be with her, Prove your worth to her. I got the same phrase two years ago. Here are my recomendations
> 
> ...


Ipad..We travel the same road my friend....seems two years is the "turning point" as long as both partners are committed to the marriage. Good luck!

I'll agree ... it's a hard hard road... full of mental anguish. Just remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It is a life test! Embrace it with a smile (around her)

One other thing.... LISTEN to her. I mean really LISTEN. Did I get my point across LISTEN.
No matter how trivial take her word as GOLD. Act on anything you can without fail. Also look her in the eye (make her break eye contact!) when she talks... stop whatever you are doing and give her your full undivided attention. You will still screw up many things like before... but you will learn to catch yourself. I'm getting much better in this regard and my wife appreciates it a lot. Just today i started to interrupt when she was talking... caught myself within a second and stopped myself and waited for her to finish. I could tell she appreciated that. Also when she laid into me today over my trying to help... I just left and went on to do other stuff. She appreciated that also... don't sweat the small stuff.

Once you apologize correctly... DON'T BRING UP YOUR PAST. Only talk about the now and the future. It's one big game... you want to win. So does she. The goal is win/win.

As time goes on then start to stand up for yourself when she screws up big in your eyes... the key is to gain RESPECT and push back on her. You will eventually change into the man that will win her heart all over again. You do have the inside track... remember that also. Be aware though initially she is vulnerable to an affair.

Take this time to really study your wife... learn to love all the stuff she does. Learn to love her all over again. I see my wife in a whole new light. I also see her flaws and now know how to affect change in her by standing up for myself. I'm changing her as much as she's changed me.

You will feel like quitting... you will get to the point that you can see your life without her.... then and only then will you have the "confidence" to have her want to return to you. Trust me some days I just want to end it all with her. But I don't... I keep going. Keep the resolve to see this through.

Like my wife said a year and a half ago... "I'd be gone if I didn't think we had a chance"
That's reality... as long as your wife is there.. you have a chance!
Make the best of it.

At year two..I invited my wife to "feel free to leave me if any of what I said sounds crazy" recently... that was a major turning point! I laid it ALL on the line down to details of or new life together. It was a win or lose decision for her. No in-between. Her time was UP!

She obviously didn't think I'm crazy and she's here happier than ever. Her wall has crumbled . We are on the home stretch!

I'm convinced in some cases her wall can't come down without a major shock....that comes from observing your wife. I just KNEW I had to shock the hell out of my wife to get us heading the right direction after enough time had passed. No doubt in my mind.

She got her reality check TWO YEARS after she gave me mine. I just returned the favor 
Remember everything she said when she told you ILYNILWY it can come in handy later on (when the time is right).

She fired the first shot... you eventually may fire back (if needed)
With adversity comes new success. Embrace this as a GREAT opportunity.

You have the upper hand... regardless of how you feel right now as long as you never say anything other than ILY throughout. She started it... you end it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"ILYBNILWY"+Increased FB+"I need space" = "I've met someone..."


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