# New and lost, wife of over 10 years.



## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

It’s now May but this all started in December just after her 30th birthday. All of a sudden she became distant and didn’t care. I didn’t think much of it at first. 

She just seemed kind of depressed which was odd for her. Once we talked about it she claimed she wasn’t happy and was in a “funk”, she would get over it, it would just take her a little time to readjust. That this just happens every once and awhile. With two children 9 and 3 we didn’t really spend to much time alone and our jobs at the time made it so we would only catch each other for a very limited time each day. 

So I kicked it into gear, I was like okay let’s go out! Took the kids over to my parents house and went to dinner, everything seemed fine. Then she tells me she felt forced to go with me. Ouch. 

Then came, “it’s to late”, which seemed weird because when I asked her if she still loved me and wanted to be with me she said yes. From then on things just got more rotten, a guy from work she did a project with and later started hanging out with, one occasion I told her I didn’t want her to go with him in this plane ride but when I said I didn’t want her to go she started crying, saying she had no friends and she always stuck at home. So I said okay fine, go. 

Then it turned into hanging out with this guy and staying out till 2-3am. First time I panicked a whole bunch, called And texted her a zillion times, her response was I just want a relaxing night out and I was making her feel guilty. Then shortly after that she told me she needed a “break”. Shortly after that it was an actual breakup. It’s been a little over three months since the breakup. We are still married but for how long I don’t know.

Not sure what to do I have contacted an attorney but haven’t made an appointment. It’s quite the pickle, we own a home together have two children and also her disabled father lives with us. I have a pretty lousy paying job(trying to find a new job) so I know I couldn’t float the house by myself we always relied on each other. It’s odd, lots of silence and avoidance when we are together. She also hasn’t mentioned separation or divorce. 

Some days she walks out the door and says, “I’m leaving for a little bit”. Leaves me with the boys and does whatever, I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy mentioned above. We also rely on my parents to watch the kid on the weekends while we work. Everything just feels wrong.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sorry to read about your situation. How heart breaking for you and your boys.

The affair most likely started long before you noticed anything. You will want to research and put into effect a hard 180. Shock *her* and file for divorce (you can always stop it). 

If you really want to save this, you need to go rouge. Living with her while she goes off to date her lover whenever she wants is horrifying. Don’t put up with that another day. Time to take control of your family back.


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Oh man. I feel your pain and it's awful. 

I don't like where this is headed one bit. Staying out with another guy until 2-3am is absolutely disgraceful. It's disrespectful to you and she knows it. 

There are some really knowledgeable people here who can give you some ideas on next steps to take. I can tell you though you should NOT move out under any circumstances while you're broken up & very likely headed to divorce. 

Hang in there. Be nice to yourself. Work out and get exercise when able.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

I have been trying at the 180, seems she started it long before I did. I have been trying to detach as much as possible. I love her and her family which I lived with during my early twenties. It is horrifying, I don’t want to sound like a chump but when she leaves I find it hard not to fall apart, I keep it away from my 9 year old. Lock myself in the bathroom and run a tub for my 3 year old haha. This may be karma for my past mistakes. I was involved in an affair about 9 years ago.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lostgubby336 I have moved your thread to Coping with Infidelity because she is being unfaithful and has for a while, I believe.


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Believe me. I've been there. Many days I feel like I still am there. 

Sleepless nights, guilt, fear for your family's future, knots in stomach, searching for something that will put it all back together, etc. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever endure.

Just know you're not alone. One of the things that got me through rough days was to find something nice to do for random people. Like donating blood or making donation to a women's shelter. Somehow doing random acts of kindness helped me feel like I still could make a positive impact on people. Of course, just taking care of your kids is a huge help already. Your kids will need all the love & support you can give them.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

This sucks. I have been around for my kids as much as possible, in my mind this could be the final months of everyone together in the house. I’m really into powerlifting so I’m training a few guys in my garage gym for free, counts-as an act of kindness. Hahah feels good. What do I do when she just up and leaves? Or says she’s going to leave? One time while she was in her car about to leave I pulled the car door open and told her no one here wants her to leave. She stayed, didn’t say a damn word to me. Just played with the kids, she was mad but didn’t say anything.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@Lostgubby336 - your wife is having an affair, most likely a physical one since she is staying out late. Has it gone sexual? Maybe.

Here is an iron-clad, no exceptions rule: NEVER LET YOUR WIFE GO ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER MAN!

And you have to man up dude. Maybe she says "It's too late" but if she wants to act like you are still married, then she has to behave like a married woman. Tell her that straight up.

If she wants to date and carouse with other men, time to serve her divorce papers.

Meanwhile, you need to go into sleuthing mode and find out what is really going on.

***

*RECOVER HER PHONE CONTENTS:*

Get the phone recovery software "Fonelab", don't get "Dr. Fone" it sucks.

Run a recovery on your wife's phone and it will pull up all deleted texts, images, videos, browser history, call logs, cheater app messages and more.

Assuming she has an iPhone, You need to download and install iTunes to your computer first, then connect the phone via the cable and run Fonelab.

You will be prompted to enter her passcode, and you will have to tap the "trust this computer" prompt on the phone as well.

About a half hour to an hour and you will know what you need to know.

If she has an Android phone, Fonelab has an Android version as well.

***

*GET A VOICE-ACTIVATED RECORDER*


The best bang for your buck is the ICD-PX470 - around $50 on Amazon.

Also get an SD card so you have a ton of recording time: The SanDisk Ultra 32GB microSDHC UHS-I card with Adapter - 98MB/s U1 A1 - SDSQUAR-032G-GN6MA is 32GB and runs $8 on Amazon

Read the manual


***

*TRACK HER LOCATION*

If she has an iPhone and you have another iDevice such as an iPad, put it on the same icloud account (Make sure you have access to her phone when you do this becuase there will be a prompt on her phone alerting her a new device has been added) and then you can track her location using the built-in "Find My iPhone" app.

Do not ever select "alert me when the phone is online" or whatever it is, it will alert her.

If she has an Android phone you can track that using Google.


***


*LOOK AT HER EMAIL*

Make sure to check the trash, drafts and sent items folder.

***

Do that and I bet you find out what is going on.

Good luck Lostgubby336


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Faithful man: To use fonelab.... this only works if you know her passcode? Or will it work either way?


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

What to do when she just leaves? 

First.... definitely do not use any physical restraint or force. Only words of persuasion. (kinda obvious but wanted to make sure it was said).

I'd demand to know where she's going, when she'll be back, who she will be with, etc. But if your relationship is in such tatters, I'm not sure you're going to get a solid answer. 

I really think you need to make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Many will give you free consultations and can give you some good paths forward.

Does her disabled father (who lives with you) see all of this? Is he of sound mind? If so.... what does he have to say?


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

I know for a fact is been sexual for awhile I found a presents in the bathroom trash one day when I pulled it out to pick up trash in one of my kids rooms. Being kind of spineless and in shock I just locked myself in my room and sat there for hours staring at a black tv screen. One hard part about all this is she never complained “really”, about anything. Gave me no indication she wasn’t happy with our marriage. Then she hits me with, we don’t spend any time together, it’s to late, we didnt put enough effort into the relationship and she has pent up resentment. By the way we don’t act married at all and haven’t since this has been going down. When she said she needed a “break” she decided to sleep on the couch. I do get a Cali king to myself haha. I thought affair immediately, but when I asked if it was someone else even the guy by name she of course denied it.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Her dad kind of stays to himself. He is sound of mind for sure, I haven’t said anything to him and he hasn’t said anything to me. I’m pretty sure he would like to remain out of anything that has to do with our relationship. The only thing I have told my oldest is that, “this is not how married people act, I don’t want you to think this is what marriage is”.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If you wanted to make a list of red flags that almost guarantee an affair is going on, it would look just like your thread.

What is the plan?

It is action not words that make a difference in these situations, and by actions I don't mean kissing her ass.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She put you in limbo but you're the only one who can keep yourself there.

She's out banning her new boyfriend and you're going what?

Right now you're taking it.

This is pretty blatant.

File now


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

LimaTango said:


> Faithful man: To use fonelab.... this only works if you know her passcode? Or will it work either way?


You need the passcode because it is accessing the phone, just like if you wanted to go through the phone yourself.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Get the proof & serve her divorce papers.

These are independent actions, they do not depend on each other

***

P.S. Are you copying your posts in from another text editing software?

All of your apostrophes are turning into a corrupt character that makes your posts difficult to read.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

You guys are right, was in a hard limbo when she put us on a “break”, then the limbo continues. I don’t kiss her ass at all haha. I would like to save this marriage but doesn’t it have to be her idea? I want our family to be complete again.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> I know for a fact is been sexual for awhile I found a presents in the bathroom trash one day when I pulled it out to pick up trash in one of my kids rooms. Being kind of spineless and in shock I just locked myself in my room and sat there for hours staring at a black tv screen. One hard part about all this is she never complained “really”, about anything. Gave me no indication she wasn’t happy with our marriage. Then she hits me with, we don’t spend any time together, it’s to late, we didnt put enough effort into the relationship and she has pent up resentment. By the way we don’t act married at all and haven’t since this has been going down. When she said she needed a “break” she decided to sleep on the couch. I do get a Cali king to myself haha. I thought affair immediately, but when I asked if it was someone else even the guy by name she of course denied it.


What exactly did you find?


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Female protection. I’m using chrome browser posting through my iPhone.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

I don’t want my home to become that of hostility.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I can hear the pain in your writing, it hurts my heart. The emotional side of the end of a marriage, especially one with children involved is so devastating. It is very bizarre that she never said anything was wrong. This is what convinces me that she got caught up in an affair, and then rewrote the history in her head.

A few more questions:
How long are you willing to go on like this?
What do you think her reaction would be if you file?
What would she say if you let her know that you feel it is time to let everyone know she is cheating on you? (I recommend exposure without warning in combo with the hard 180.) I get the vibe you won’t do that, because you are trying to nice her back, which doesn’t work...but ask yourself...at this point what do you have to lose?
How about letting her know you are going to start dating also? (Even if you don’t plan too). 

Maybe there is nothing left to save. Usually when women are done, they are done. It just doesn’t sound like there is much of a reason to be done other than her AP. Do you know much about him, and can you dig up any dirt? Is he married?


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> You guys are right, was in a hard limbo when she put us on a â€œbreakâ€�, then the limbo continues. I donâ€™t kiss her ass at all haha. I would like to save this marriage but doesnâ€™t it have to be her idea? I want our family to be complete again.


In order to save the marriage, you need to know what you would be forgiving. Do your sleuthing! 

If you want to save the marriage you find the information, expose her behavior to important people in your lives, possibly her workplace, definitely expose the other man to his wife or girlfriend if he has one. 

And... Get the divorce clock ticking. Even meeting with the lawyer in preparation of serving her papers will shock the **** out of her.

Meanwhile demand the truth from her including a detailed timeline. That way you'll know if you want to save the marriage. 

By the way, she's going to lie a lot. 

And if she doesn't care about that then the marriage is lost anyway.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> I donâ€™t want my home to become that of hostility.


I think that ship has sailed my friend. 

It's not really about hostility. It's about standing up for yourself, making sure you don't allow her to disrespect you like this, and enforcing very firm and reasonable boundaries. 

In fact, your home is already filled with hostility. Her disrespect of you is pure hostility!


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Dirt on him, possibly if it’s actually the guy I think it is. He was involved in a racially motivated incident years ago with some friends. No one was charged with anything but they put a bike lock around a black students neck once and attempted a second time but failed also him and his friends involved would harass the student.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Thanks for putting it that way faithful man. You are correct.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Dirt on him, possibly if it’s actually the guy I think it is. He was involved in a racially motivated incident years ago with some friends. No one was charged with anything but they put a bike lock around a black students neck once and attempted a second time but failed also him and his friends involved would harass the student.


That's who your wife wants to hang out with? Maybe she is not the woman for you. 

I am not advocating violence, but that guy needs to be ****ed up by somebody.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Right?! Thing is I have no hard evidence. To me it’s painfully obvious. Maybe just straight up ask her? Though my kids don’t look like it, they are mixed race. I’m Hispanic and she’s white I don’t want my kids around a racist. Nothing I detest more.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Right?! Thing is I have no hard evidence. To me it’s painfully obvious. Maybe just straight up ask her? Though my kids don’t look like it, they are mixed race. I’m Hispanic and she’s white I don’t want my kids around a racist. Nothing I detest more.


DO NOT CONFRONT WITHOUT CONCLUSIVE HARD EVIDENCE!!! 

Do your sleuthing as I described, put the VAR in her car, you can also buy a GPS tracker cheap. 

You'll know everything you need to within 1 - 10 days. 

Meanwhile, keep low key and don't let on that you are planning to blow her up. That is the hardest part.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

My man, I'm sorry but she's already checked out of the marriage, there is nothing to save. Been there...there's *nowhere* worse. 
Sounds like she's manipulated and controlled you for quite some time...and of course, you've allowed it.

Take
Back
Control
of Your Life. 

When she gets dumped by that *******, Her tears will be fake. Her remorse will be hollow.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> So I said okay fine, go.
> 
> .


The nail in the coffin of relationship death.

It's finished and done for good. You validated her action.

Just get the divorce and move on. There is nothing left of her emotional investment in you.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

You are absolutely correct. She has been checked out for awhile. What’s a good plan of action? Some of her family is visiting from out of town this week. Don’t really wanna ruin it. Meet with an attorney? Or several? Find proof of the affair or skip it and file? Her reaction to being served would probably be her not even caring at all.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> You are absolutely correct. She has been checked out for awhile. What’s a good plan of action? Some of her family is visiting from out of town this week. Don’t really wanna ruin it. Meet with an attorney? Or several? Find proof of the affair or skip it and file? Her reaction to being served would probably be her not even caring at all.


1) Find as much evidence as possible. 

2A) Serve her divorce papers 

2B) Expose her activities to her family. Embarrass the **** out of her. 

3) Expose the other man. 

4) Detach


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hey Lostgubby336,

You need to get past the point of thinking there is something to save. Don't get me wrong .... there are things you could do to maybe piece it back together but it will be a total
exercise in mental debauchery and pain shopping. In the end while you may have extended your time with her, you will never come to that point of the satisfying relationship
that you want. You will enter the position of always trying to "win" her. That is the absolute worst position you can be in when it comes to manifesting true love from a woman.

On this board there are countless men you have entered the position you are in now ...... they never get that GENUINE love they seek.

Do yourself a favor and move on.

Eliminate all the excuses of "but xyz is this weekend, I have to do abc first, I need proof of, I need, I need, I need"

The time of needs is over and the time of action is required.

There are a lot of other things I could hit upon that are important for you to understand how you ended up where you are but lets skip that for now.

Until you start "the time of action" ... you are only stuck and most importantly only fooling yourself.

If you decide to go "proof shopping" ..... get ready to scramble your brains.

The most successful people in this are the ones that act with decisiveness ..... Get to that point. It's the fastest way to end the pain. Don't go pain shopping.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> You are absolutely correct. She has been checked out for awhile. Whatâ€™s a good plan of action? Some of her family is visiting from out of town this week. Donâ€™t really wanna ruin it. Meet with an attorney? Or several? Find proof of the affair or skip it and file? Her reaction to being served would probably be her not even caring at all.


The posters found on this forum will easily steer you straight, they're invaluable.

And in all seriousness, you need to do a 'gut check'. How far are you willing to go? 
I sense you really love your babies, so when she comes crumbling back to you, are you going to fold...for the kids? 
Do you think this could be fixed if only she would see the light with a little marriage counseling?

Or are you strong enough to stay the course because you know there is _very little hope for what she__ is_ and _will continue to be_...and the kids will be healthier with you two apart but still heavily involved in their lives?

If you don't follow through once really begun, it was all just an expensive hollow threat.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Love em, I call them my men in training. During all this I haven’t shown them that a man doesn’t put up with this. I doubt she would want to re enter the relationship, can’t see her running back to me. I would like to see it but again doubt it. The consoling and all would have to be her idea and she would have to be truly remorseful. Zero trust as of now, a given. It’s hard to let go of someone you have had in your life for half of it haha. For me this is terrible I’ve just in the past 6 weeks or so been able to eat and sleep like normal.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Some of her family is visiting from out of town this week. Donâ€™t really wanna ruin it. Meet with an attorney? Or several? Find proof of the affair or skip it and file? Her reaction to being served would probably be her not even caring at all.


You know that your wife is having sex with another man, and you are worried about how news of this might ruin something as minor as a family visit? You greatly under value yourself. The impact of them learning about your wife’s affair will have a very minor impact on their lives when compared to the impact that it is having on you and your children’s lives.

Do not be angry when you tell them all at once that you are getting a divorce because your wife is having an affair. If they ask for details, tell them to get them from your wife since she knows more than you. If she tries to deny it, tell her that you know for sure, and that you will not argue with someone that is wiling to point blank lie to your face. Then say that you will file as soon as you can so as to end this toxic situation as soon as possible. Do not negotiate with her or give her any hope of you not filing. There will always be a chance to later change your mind, but now is not the time. She needs to know that you are really willing to end this marriage, for her to be willing to do the work to try to earn another chance.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Try, thank you. All of ya. Try your post sounds the most like me, like something I would say. More on the stern yet peaceful and realistic side. Not vindictive or angry.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Anyone hear of any cases where filing wakes the other person up or at least shakes them? Must follow thru but has anyone heard of this action making the other person think again? Again just questions.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Anyone hear of any cases where filing wakes the other person up or at least shakes them? Must follow thru but has anyone heard of this action making the other person think again? Again just questions.


Don't entertain the idea that it is being done to only wake her up. The idea is you are doing it to get a divorce.

Woman are keen ..... very keen. If your doing it as a wake up ploy she will smell it like a dead animal in the refrigerator and will back fire on you.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately i would be betting that this affair is physical. All the red flags are there especially sleeping on the couch. Its her way of remaining loyal to her lover.

You need to completely blow this up. See a Shark of a Divorce Attorney find out your rights then file for the children. Apply for full time custody. Gather any proof of her constant disappearing. You have to be ruthless in order to have any chance of saving the marriage.

Also you can rest assured it is the guy from work she is dating. Inform their HR Department. Do not warn her. Going rogue might be the only way to save your marriage. At the moment she knows she can treat you like crap go out and screw her boyfriend and you will still be around to cook, clean, and pay the bills for the kids. Put an end to this now. I really do for so sorry for you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

When your wife is spending her time with another man until 2-3am that is beyond red flags. She at the very minimal least is dating another man. That,in and of itself,should show that she has no respect for you or your marriage. You don't have to wake her up from anything. She already is wide awake with the excuse that she'll come to her senses in awhile sitting in her back pocket. Find your indifference. She's seemed to have found it for you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Lost, this woman has no respect for you, treats you like a child, and virtually cuckolds you. And this had been going on for nearly a year. Good God man! There is term for what you need: Man Up! Act like you've got a pair and take action now!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Right?! Thing is I have no hard evidence. To me it’s painfully obvious. Maybe just straight up ask her? Though my kids don’t look like it, they are mixed race. I’m Hispanic and she’s white I don’t want my kids around a racist. Nothing I detest more.


He is a potential danger to your children. At some point you might need to involve CPS.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your "wife" is sleeping with some other POS - you have already confirmed this. She does not love you or respect you. You also know this. She wants out of the marriage - she has told you this.

Yet you use phrases like "I want my family to be in tact again" etc. You know that you need to forget about that ever happening. In stead you need to focus on the matters in hand.

First of all, recover your pride and DO NOT pursue her or pander to her in any way. She wants to leave, then let her. Focus on your own well being (which I think you are).

Next, what kind of mother is she? See an attorney and make sure that you get maximum custody of your kids. This has got to be your number one priority now. Do not worry about anything else. If she is badly behaved around the kids or with the kids, you need to document and secure evidence of this (make a note of how often she sees the kids or what she does for them or to them). This is the only battle you can actually fight in court with evidence. The legal system doesn't really care about infidelity unless it proves harmful in any way to the kids.
You could even use the fact that she is with an active and violent racist to protect your kids.

Secure your finances - it sounds like she makes more than you do so you may even qualify for alimony. In any case, if you win primary custody of the kids she could also be giving you child support.

I hope you understand that this is how you need to think about this situation. Do not spend time wallowing in what could have been, might have been, has been or whatever. She is the enemy in this battle - you cannot trust anything she says or does. She may even try to entrap you to raise false DV charges or claim that you are a bad father etc. Carry a voice recorder (VAR) on you at all times and record all interactions with her.

Make sure that all friends and family know what happened - on both sides.

If you can go scorched earth in exposing the POSOM, then do so. Else he is not your top priority and he only took what was clearly on offer. He needs to get his for the racist stuff but that's another story.

So stop with the hopium attitude and get moving on lawyering up and protecting your custodial rights and finances.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Get the evidence of who POS is. That can be done by using a phone hacking software as was advised earlier in the thread also get a VAR (voice activated recorder) installed in her car. You can be that she's talking to this guy on her way to and from work.

File for divorce and have her served at work. Expose to her family what she's doing. Let them know with who and for how long. 

Can she wake up and become remorseful? Maybe, but it doesn't look good. A woman that is openly having an affair, usually has NO RESPECT for the BH. Women are not capable of loving a man they don't respect. 

Start getting your life in order. You say that you have a job that doesn't pay well. Do something about it. If you need some training or a certification to advance, start pursuing it aggressively. Instead of wallowing or just spending your time lifting, start improving other aspect of your life where you know you fall short. I take it that you're very fit, if you're training other guys in power lifting. Being fit is VERY good but you have to round out yourself. Continue to train but make sure you're also building up your mind as well. 

PS: Since this power lifting is a passion of yours, maybe you should seriously consider turning it into a side hustle. Look into and pursue any certification that can give you the marketing edge to go after paying clients.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Meet with an attorney? Or several?


If you have the time go take the free consultation with every one of the best bulldog attorneys in your town. There exists a legal entanglement in most places where if they had a consult with you they are forbidden to take her on as a client later. This way she will be forced to pick up her attorney from the bottom of the barrel.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Anyone hear of any cases where filing wakes the other person up or at least shakes them? Must follow thru but has anyone heard of this action making the other person think again? Again just questions.


Yes, it happens all the time. But only when the one filing is truly ready to file, not just as a bluff. She will know if you are bluffing and it will make you look weak. She probably thinks you look weak now. What do you think she thinks about you now? In her head, or to her closest friends, don't you think she says "I can't beleive he just kind of takes it?" Don't get me wrong, she definitely wants you to do nothing. She is not ready to leave you. She wants you to be an option just in case the new guy doesn't pan out. But she must be saying to herself that she can't believe you are basically doing nothing about it.

Who is the guy? How did she meet him? How do you think this affair started? You say she started acting all mopey in December, so probably the affair started a few months earlier, and she just got more involved in December. I think likely the guy disses you, too, with the "too little too late" being reinforced by him.

Your marriage was boring but stable. That's how it goes when you're struggling to handle your jobs, take care of the kids, take care of disabled dad, chores, etc. You have your lifting, what did she have as a hobby? Life is happy enough, until some other dude blows smoke up her butt and makes her remember how a real romantic relationship is all about. How it used to be with you. She probably says "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you." She probably feels like she feels more alive than she's been in high school, or ever. This is very common in affair-land.

I refer to the affair as a protective "bubble" from reality. The "affair bubble." Inside the affair bubble, there are no struggling finances, there are no dealing with disabled dad, there are no discipline with 3- and 9-year-old boys (of which I know a lot about, even if they are great kids), there is no chores, cleaning, fixing things that are broken, etc. No, inside the affair bubble there is only "I love you" and "you are so hot and funny and great" and sex, a lot of sex. That's it. Now let me ask you something - how can you compare to that? How can your marriage ever compare to the affair? Well, on the basis of sex and romance, it just can't. What your marriage has is deep and enduring love, committed spiritually and legally, to take care of each other and take care of family, like your kids and your disabled dad.

Meanwhile, you are providing that for her. She may be hoping that her new lover will step up to the plate and take over that job for you, too, but the reality is that he hasn't and he doesn't want that. He wants sex. If he stepped up, she could divorce you. Her reputation might also be a huge problem too, but if her lover would step up, she could leave you and blame you to all her family and friends. "We drifted apart" and "he never had time for me, only his weight-training disciples" and "he cared more about lifting than he did about me."

Talking to a cheater to explain any of this is a waste of time and a real downer 99% of the time. The cheater just won't agree, and they won't get it at all. Cheating is all about feelings, and her feelings are paramount right now, and will override any logical reasoning and facts.

Don't file for divorce until you feel it. Like you're ready to divorce. Don't do it just as a ploy. Filing does work in many cases, but the cheater can smell it if it's just a ploy, and then you have to pull out of the divorce.

A lot of people, if you read here, need the smoking gun evidence that their spouse is cheating in order to pull the trigger to divorce or expose. I would say her birth protection is evidence enough. I am not the type that would need any evidence at all if I knew. If you need more evidence, then get it. Hire a private investigator. Use a voice-activated recorder. Follow her. Hack her phone. Whatever it takes, get your evidence. If you have enough evidence, then when you're ready, file.

You are procrastinating. That's OK. My marriage is falling apart, my wife sleeps on a couch, she doesn't even speak to me, but I don't want her family to have an uncomfortable time when they come. I'm no psychologist, but that has to be some kind of denial behavior. Did you ever hear the five phases of grief? I've been told that the same happens in the "death" of a marriage. Definitely it seems you are in the denial phase.

Usually the affair falls apart when it gets real. When the affair bubble bursts. When she has to leave the house and live with him. First of all, do you really think this dude wants all the baggage she brings? Two young boys, a disabled dad? Or does he just like getting some no strings attached. As it is, he probably has to put with all her whining about how tough her life is with you, how she texts him constantly, how needy she is with him, how clingy. That's tough enough just to have sex. I'm guessing he doesn't want her full time, living in her house, your kids being there half the time, and her dad being there full time.

Your wife could have left you any time she wanted. She could have divorced you. She could have separated and went to move with him. Or alone by herself. But she hasn't. Why do you think that is?

"Wife, I want to stay married and work on our marriage and I am willing, but only if you end the affair and end all contact with him. I know you are not ready to do that. Heck, you are not even ready to admit you are having sex with him. So I am divorcing you. If you change your mind, let me know. Every day I lose more respect for you and soon I may have none left, and I may no longer feel the same about being willing to try. In the meantime, I'm filing and moving forward with my life without you."

If you need to tell her anything, that's what I would say. But keep in mind, from my experience, a cheater will not be moved at all by that. It will have no more effect than telling her it's supposed to rain next week.


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## CDR No Longer Lost (Apr 28, 2019)

Sir, grow a spine and blow up your cheating wife's world. You're apparently accepting what to most men is a 100% unacceptable situation. Why are you so passive and accepting of the doormat status your wife has forced on you? Expose everything, file for D. You currently have no wife and no marriage. Learn to be an assertive man, Sir.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Lostgubby336 said:


> One time while she was in her car about to leave I pulled the car door open and told her no one here wants her to leave. She stayed, didn't say a damn word to me. Just played with the kids, she was mad but didn't say anything.


Why do you care if she's mad? It is necessary for you to stop being concerned with how she is going to respond to you setting healthy boundaries.

You know your wife is involved in an affair. Do you still want to save the marriage? If so, you might be able to, but you will have to change your outlook and act decisively. There are no guarantees, even if you do make some radical changes. One thing is for sure, sitting around and doing nothing is not going to have any impact on your wife and it's terrible for you.

You are worried about making her mad or driving her away, but your wife has already checked out. The only thing that might possibly draw her back is to stop playing Mr. Nice Guy and get angry yourself. Turn the tables. It's okay to be angry as long as you don't threatening physical harm, yell, throw things, or otherwise become violent. Be careful. Contain yourself, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you aren't a sad puppy licking his wounds.

Stop trying not to make her mad. Let her be mad, then call her on her terrible attitude and behavior while simultaneously detaching as much as possible. One reason you're pining after her is that you are not allowing yourself to be angry, but are trying to keep her from being angry with you and making things worse. The problem is that what you are doing now could be what is making things worse, because you are allowing it to go on without consequences.

Consequences are not about you punishing her. They are about you putting up appropriate boundaries to protect you and your children from her nefarious behavior. If that makes her angry, then too bad for her.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

I really appreciate all this. Very supportive. I need my spine and balls back. I can’t live like this anymore. This trap, this prison. She’s made the decision to leave the relationship. I have to take the appropriate actions to leave the marriage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She only wants to maintain the status quo. 

She is free to have her lover while you take care of the kids and her disabled father.

Sorry, but she ended the marriage without your knowledge and does not intend to come back.

Grow a pair. Show your kids an honest, strong man who will not share his wife with another man. A man who will not accept her disrespect of him and the family.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

To answer your question re whether the WS wakes up and wants the marriage again after the BS files for divorce - yes, it can and does happen. It is not the norm, though.

In your case, it sounds like your WW has moved on and is just sticking around because, after all, she is married with kids and thinks she needs to treat the breakup as a serious thing, thus the rewriting of the marital history and the manufacture of current gripes to justify her feelings. If she didn't have to concern herself with society's view of marriage and family as very serious commitments, you'd just be eating her dust.

So, yes, it can happen, but in your case I wouldn't want it to happen. The chances that, as time passes and you process what she has done, you won't respect her anymore and will want your own freedom are very high. You are just now growing your spine, it appears, which will only speed up the process of losing respect for her. You already know not to trust her; when you have no respect for her, you'll have no more marital love for her - no trust, no respect > no love.

Please keep growing that spine. Realize that you shouldn't be wasting the precious time you have on earth in this pain inflicted by someone who doesn't care that she is hurting you.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Why do you care if she's mad? It is necessary for you to stop being concerned with how she is going to respond to you setting healthy boundaries.
> 
> You know your wife is involved in an affair. Do you still want to save the marriage? If so, you might be able to, but you will have to change your outlook and act decisively. There are no guarantees, even if you do make some radical changes. One thing is for sure, sitting around and doing nothing is not going to have any impact on your wife and it's terrible for you.
> 
> ...


Yes, this.

Simply put, time to go on the offensive. 
Put your game face on.
Check-out with her ass.
That chic and douche bag have been mocking you.

Draft a mental plan. Put it in your phone.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Female protection. Iâ€™m using chrome browser posting through my iPhone.


If you keep screwing around trying to save your so called marriage, you're going to be raising and paying for somebody elses kid. Here's the thing dawg. She has no romantic interest in you and worse no respect for you. A woman cannot love a man she has no respect for. What the hell do you hope to gain by keeping this vampire around? I tell you what she has to gain: Someone to babysit the kids and takes care of her old man while she humps her boyfriend. I can only imagine what these two say about you while they lay tangled in damp sheets. 
My advise is to come up with a plan where you ditch the witch and move on. Rather than going in the bathroom crying, go get a massage. 

On the "TRACK HER LOCATION" forget relying on her phone. Get a Whistle GPS dog tracker and place it in her car. I've got one on my Redbone hound I use when camping and can locate her via my phone or computer anywhere in the U.S. within 10 feet of her location. The service is about $10 a month. The thing stays charged for weeks.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Anyone hear of any cases where filing wakes the other person up or at least shakes them? Must follow thru but has anyone heard of this action making the other person think again? Again just questions.


This happens once a while but don't pin your hopes on it. Many times once the affair partner hears a divorce is happening he dumps her cause the fun is over and he doesn't want to be stuck with her. Then your plan b and that's not the position you want ever. 

The other issue for you is while you maintain the status quo she can plan her exit. Sooner or later she will file and she controls the proceedings and your play defense and that's a cappy position to be in. You really need to speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights etc are where you live, how long the process takes and get educated in a hurry.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lostgubby336 said:


> I really appreciate all this. Very supportive. I need my spine and balls back. I can’t live like this anymore. This trap, this prison. She’s made the decision to leave the relationship. I have to take the appropriate actions to leave the marriage.


What reason do you have for surrendering your spine and balls to her? What the hell is she going to do to you if you take them back.... start screwing around with another guy.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

1. *180* : https://affaircare.com/the-180/

2. *Lawyer.* File now and ask questions later. Have her served at work.

3. *STD test.* She has allowed another man to squirt his fluids inside her.

4. *Talk to her father now.* 

5. *Quit wimping out.* Put her out of your bedroom.

6. *Tell all friends and relatives* before she starts vilifying you.

7. *Find out if the Piece Of **** Other Man (POSOM) is married.* Inform his Significant Other NOW! 

8. *Your Soon To Be Ex Wife (STBXW) needs to find out what its like to be divorced.* *Show her.*

9. *Women are drawn to Strength, Courage, & Decisiveness. *You have not been any of those so far. Get on the stick. Get pissed off. Being civilized does NOT mean being a doormat.

10. *Read "No Mister Nice Guy". *There is a PDF copy online. *This WAR!! Now get going Buster!* https://thepowermoves.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

When she went out with another guy,you should tell her to eather she comes home right away or she doesnt nedd to bother coming home at all,and her stuff would be waiting for her in front of the house. Now you can only file for divorce and find a wife who will love and respect you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP you have been given some excellent and very clear & precise advice - what are you actually going to do about it ?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Out of curiosity....
Did she tell everyone about the affair you had?
How did you guys work that one out?


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

During my affair I’m sure she told her family and probably close friends but I never knew no one said anything about it. The OW and I didn’t hide it for very long. We worked together, so she moved stores and also moved in with her dad. We outted ourselves. The turning point for me was when another man came along, who was a close friend of mine and at first I was said okay fine they can have each other. We had one kid at the time and he knew this other guy. A week or so goes by and something snapped, I didn’t want to accept it for some reason. I texted my wife and told her we needed to talk to buy me some beer. So I told her I wanted to get back together and that I knew we could still be happy. My wife thought I was going to tell her I was moving out to be with this OW. We lived together during my affair too. My wife took me up on it and hooked up immediately. I called the OW the day after and told her it was over. Maaan she was mad. For days she called just to cuss me out and yell, leaving a good amount of voicemails too. So my wife and I have been here twice. Once on my end and now once on hers.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Out of curiosity....
> Did she tell everyone about the affair you had?
> How did you guys work that one out?


*So, OP, you cheated first? What happened after that affair? How did she find out? What work did the two of you do? How long ago was this?*


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Lostgubby336 said:


> During my affair I’m sure she told her family and probably close friends but I never knew no one said anything about it. The OW and I didn’t hide it for very long. We worked together, so she moved stores and also moved in with her dad. We outted ourselves. The turning point for me was when another man came along, who was a close friend of mine and at first I was said okay fine they can have each other. We had one kid at the time and he knew this other guy. A week or so goes by and something snapped, I didn’t want to accept it for some reason. I texted my wife and told her we needed to talk to buy me some beer. So I told her I wanted to get back together and that I knew we could still be happy. My wife thought I was going to tell her I was moving out to be with this OW. We lived together during my affair too. My wife took me up on it and hooked up immediately. I called the OW the day after and told her it was over. Maaan she was mad. For days she called just to cuss me out and yell, leaving a good amount of voicemails too. So my wife and I have been here twice. Once on my end and now once on hers.



I didn't realize the depth of your own affair. You poisoned this marriage and now you're reaping the misery from your actions.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

I started out texting, and flirting. Which became what I now know is an emotional affair. I break up with my wife then shortly after it becomes physical. My wife found out because the OW s husband made it known to her. That’s the problem once my wife and I got back together she didn’t want it to be mentioned so we locked it away and didn’t speak of it at all. So we didn’t work on it, we just got back together. Mistake I see now. This all happened 9 years ago. When I was 21. Yes, I did poison our marriage long ago.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lostgubby336 said:


> During my affair I’m sure she told her family and probably close friends but I never knew no one said anything about it. The OW and I didn’t hide it for very long. We worked together, so she moved stores and also moved in with her dad. We outted ourselves. *The turning point for me was when another man came along, who was a close friend of mine and at first I was said okay fine they can have each other. We had one kid at the time and he knew this other guy. A week or so goes by and something snapped, I didn’t want to accept it for some reason. I texted my wife and told her we needed to talk to buy me some beer. So I told her I wanted to get back together and that I knew we could still be happy.* My wife thought I was going to tell her I was moving out to be with this OW. We lived together during my affair too. My wife took me up on it and hooked up immediately. I called the OW the day after and told her it was over. Maaan she was mad. For days she called just to cuss me out and yell, leaving a good amount of voicemails too. So my wife and I have been here twice. Once on my end and now once on hers.


Unfortunately this goes to the way you think. You think like someone who cheats. Love is earned. You speak of your wife like a car that you regret selling and that you went back to the dealer and ask if you can cancel the deal. You're not the only one. This is how all people who cheat thing. Your wife is conceptualized in what she does for you how she makes you feel. That is not love and it doesn't make for a long term successful marriage. Even now why do you want her back? Again the thought of losing her or not having her makes you feel bad. Your thought should be how can I fulfill my responsibility of taking care of this women. That's it. You have a right to expect the same from her but it's not about how she makes YOU FEEL. 

Marriage is about giving, relationships are about giving. When you marry someone you have a responsibility to them, what you are affectingly saying is, their needs first. Having an affair is the direct opposite. It works when both people thing the right way. You set up the terms or your relationship your wife is just following them now. You had an affair so you don't make her feel very good anymore. At first she probably didn't know any better and thought with time you still would. And sometimes with a lot of hard work you can, but it takes a lot of hard work. Like Olympian type of singular focus. So just like you showed her like a old car she is trading you in. 

At this point, in my mind you need to take a different tact then you have been taking (Which is why your affair should have been the lead). From your story, your affair and how it was handled it's no wonder you are where you are. The first thing you should do is put YOUR affair on the table and say you realize you are the one who destroyed the marriage but you can either get everything on the table and decide to move on or you should end it. But this will involve you taking responsibility for your actions. 

Your wife is not a car or a trophy she is living breathing women whose physical and emotional healthy you accepted responsibility for.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Hmmmm... I get it now. You broke the pact @Lostgubby336

There might not be anything you can do now. This relationship has had poison introduced to it. There really is no antidote, either the poison kills the relationship or it doesn't.

I don't think your wife's heart ever returned to you after you betrayed her. All you can do is hope she changes her mind the way you did.

But even if she does change her mind - what kind of relationship do you really have?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I cannot help but wonder if this is not a revenge affair scenario, and the depth of her resentment has now caused her to dissociate herself from the marriage in total. It would behoove you to find out if this is the case. Whether or not OM is a POS, is not your concern, however, it may be enlightening to the entire scenario if you can determine the motivations for initiating this affair.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Taxman said:


> I cannot help but wonder if this is not a revenge affair scenario, and the depth of her resentment has now caused her to dissociate herself from the marriage in total. It would behoove you to find out if this is the case. Whether or not OM is a POS, is not your concern, however, it may be enlightening to the entire scenario if you can determine the motivations for initiating this affair.


Which is why my advice in these situations is for someone to just say "look I get it, what are we doing here, we are both pissed off, we both did wrong, either we squash it now or break up." The usual expose and hard line stuff I recommend when it's a normal affair doesn't apply here. Someone has to stop cycle of possible if not just call it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Taxman said:


> I cannot help but wonder if this is not a revenge affair scenario, and the depth of her resentment has now caused her to dissociate herself from the marriage in total. It would behoove you to find out if this is the case. Whether or not OM is a POS, is not your concern, however, it may be enlightening to the entire scenario if you can determine the motivations for initiating this affair.


It may not be so much of a revenge as, "He cheated on me, why should I miss out on getting a little variety. I now understand why his wife has the take it or leave it attitude. Few things lower a woman romantic interest like cheating on her.


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## Lostgubby336 (May 27, 2019)

Yes, I’m pretty sure the way she sees it is. Well you did it too.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Lostgubby336 said:


> Yes, I’m pretty sure the way she sees it is. Well you did it too.


This could be a revenge affair of it could be an exit affair.

Either way you need to stop it if you have any hope of saving the marriage. The best way to do that is to file for divorce and have her served. Divorce can be stopped at anytime before the judge signs the final papers.

Oh - and DNA test the 3 year old. And have a STD test for yourself - female protection does not guard against this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Omg just file for divorce and be done with this. Clearly with all the infidelity this is NOT the marriage either of you wants to be in. Stick a fork in it.


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