# wife doesn't want to participate in marriage.



## wantthistowork (Jul 25, 2013)

Need some advice to ensure I'm doing all that I can do to fix our marriage.

We have a 2 year old son and our relationship has been in a terrible. There is no romance, communication is horrible, and there is no participation or partnership.

My wife loves to cook and clean but does so at a snails pace so a dinner for 3 could put her in the kitchen for 2 hours or more. Outside of cleaning the house or cooking, she does nothing. I feel bad as she doesn't ever sit down and watch tv or read a book. She has no hobbies and never relaxes. Even quit listening to music. I've offered to help cook or clean but she is so demanding that it must be done her way that I gave up.

When it comes to other responsibilities, she has very little and feels she should have none. I pay the mortgage, utilities, buy 100% of household goods. Do 100% of maintenance, yardwork, decorating etc.... She doesn't want to help do anything outside of cooking and cleaning. She does put some money in my account each month to contribute toward mortgage and buys most of the groceries each month. I use her contribution to home improvements, furniture, and repairs. I make about 40% more income than here and she feels that she shouldn't have to contribute any money as I am the 'man' and it's the man's responsibility to pay everything. She constantly references other couples she knows that the wife doesn't help. (this is new by the way, wasn't her view when I met her 10 years ago)

Holidays. She has no time for them; doesn't even buy our son a gift. I have to do it all or it doesn't happen. 
Vacations. same 100% on me or it doesn't happen. 
Zero date nights. We've been out 3 times since our son was born. 

Sex is almost non existent. We barely talk as she can't remember anything or have to explain everything in great detail. For example, I've been in my job for 15 years with the same people and I could reference someone and she asks 'who is that?' It's exhausting. (again wasn't this way before). 

I've tried to talk to her countless times. Offered a joint account and put our money together so there wouldn't be any money concerns but she doesnt want to. I've asked for her help with projects we could do together, but she doesn't participate. I've attempted to help her with cooking/cleaning but she complains it isn't good enough. She now hires someone 2x a month to come in and help her clean the house (1 level 2500 sq ft / 3bd 2 bath). 

I honestly don't know what to do. If we didn't have our child, I would 100% leave as this is no way for anyone to live. I do have a strong opinion about divorce with kids as most moms get custody and I'm concerned about lack of parenting if she won custody and she is from another country so concerned she would take him and leave the U.S. 

It's like dealing with someone that is overworked, overwhelmed and unwilling to make changes to improve. We barely argue but it's just a lonely situation. She works most weekends and I travel some during the week for work so I feel alone and have lost hope on how to improve the situation.

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel defeated and don't know what to do.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

When did her behavior start changing? I am asking because sometimes after having a baby women's hormones don't go back to normal and it can do a real number on them emotionally and physically.


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## wantthistowork (Jul 25, 2013)

I think it has been worse since our son was born. Before she was probably doing the same things but has gotten worse over the years. I also think I kept us busier and out and about before our son so minimized home time.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

The first thing I would do is go see an acupuncturist who also is trained in Chinese herbs - make sure you ask them before you make the appointment. Try to be open minded if this is not your style, it is truly amazing how much these treatments and herbs can help.

Wait until after the treatment and a 2-4 weeks on the herbs. If there is no improvement then I would seek counseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Don't you mean to say that your wife has a job, does all the housework, all the cooking and takes care of your son at least part of the time? If you talk to her the way you talked about here, that she only does x,y when she really does x,y,z then she might be angry at you. 

When she says that the women she knows don't do much at home either, have you asked how good are their marriages? Are those women and their husbands happy? Probably not if what she says is true. And it's probably not.

Your wife sound depressed. Has your wife been to a doctor to see if she has PP depression or another form of depression? This would be he first step.

Then the two of you need to get into marriage counseling. You two need help in communication. This can all be solved with communication and negotiation/compromise.

How many hours a week to the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you, date like things? A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week like this to keep the passion and connection in the marriage.

Two books that would really help you are "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your wife works outside of the home.

She takes care of a 2 year old.

She cooks & cleans.

She doesn't do "nothing."

It doesn't sound that you are "in love" with her anymore. It doesn't even sound like you like her.

Are you looking for validation to divorce?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> We barely argue but it's just a lonely situation. She works most weekends and I travel some during the week for work so I feel alone and have lost hope on how to improve the situation.


I'm sure she's just as lonely and alone as you are. No time spent together enjoying one another's company can make anyone down. Get married to be alone... nope not interested.


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## wantthistowork (Jul 25, 2013)

Agree with most of replies. I really appreciate the hard work she does around the house with cleaning/cooking, I also clean/cook daily. She works as a nurse 3 days a week and off 4 days a week. I'm not someone who is lazy and waits on wife to cook or clean. I participate in these functions as well but focus on efficiency. 

I'm not looking for divorce. I will say I'm not in love with my wife at the moment. I still love her, but have lost a ton of respect for her based upon her long term behaviors and unwillingness to make changes. I don't really 'like' her today but we have 10 years together, a son and would like to find a solution to repair our relationship. 

Elegirl - Thanks for the tips on the books. I will read them but can almost guarantee my wife won't make the time commitment to this or therapy. Her biggest complaint is she doesn't have time for anything and doesn't seem to have the desire to make time management changes. We spend zero hours per week doing things together. Fun or task. Don't have family close so childcare for date nights are challenging and our son is extremely difficult to get to bed before 8pm so evenings end up focussed on his routine.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

wantthistowork said:


> Agree with most of replies. I really appreciate the hard work she does around the house with cleaning/cooking, I also clean/cook daily. She works as a nurse 3 days a week and off 4 days a week. I'm not someone who is lazy and waits on wife to cook or clean. I participate in these functions as well but focus on efficiency.


It still sounds like you're minimizing what your wife does. If she's a nurse, she's working 12-hours shifts, right? 3 days a week is still full-time in that case.

Maybe she's just totally exhausted. Shift work does a real number on people's ability to get a good night's sleep, and trust me when I say that I know first-hand that a lack of good sleep can really mess you up. Some people are more prone to the negative effects of shift work than others. How long has the baby been sleeping through the night? 

Have you talked to her? Sounds like her first step is to see a doctor.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You have a 2 year old, she is a nurse, she cooks and cleans? 
She is over worked, over tired, and probably doesn't get enough sleep. 

Do you think that she has OCD tendencies? 
I know when my d was two and younger, if my ex wanted to start on a household project, decorate or garden I looked at him like he had horns growing out of his head. 
It just wasn't something I wanted to do. I was exhausted. 
I feel bad for both of you. 
Is she breast feeding?


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## wantthistowork (Jul 25, 2013)

Agreed, she is 100% exhausted; but doesn't know how to stop. I really am not minimizing what she does; however if someone told me countless times that I need to dedicate more time to my family and reduce time spent doing other activities. I would listen out of respect and love for what is important. This is why I am frustrated. I too work full time and even work more hours. I am at the airport at 5am alot of days and not home until 11pm from work. I still make up for it other days to ensure I have balance and am giving enough attention to my family. There are days where I have either cooked or ordered food so she wouldn't have to cook and somehow she is in the kitchen for over 1 hour doing god knows what. 

I will suggest for her to see a doctor, but it will probably offend her. I've told her she is exhausted and needs to rest, I have even begged her to go part time or quit her job as she is overwhelmed. I guess my point is how do you get a response out of a brick wall. She doesn't listen.

Not breast feeding, no.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Have you talked to her in a compassionate way? If she thinks you are telling her what to do she is not going to respond. 
IIWY I would find a babysitter and go on a date. Tell her that you are worried she is getting burned out and that she seems to have lost herself. Because she has. Moms need to take care of themselves, and make time for their marriage. 
How much sleep does she get?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Have you tried telling her about the affect this is having on your marriage? If she doesn't want to go to counseling, book an appointment anyway and tell her about it. If she doesn't want to go, you can still go by yourself.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i guess the question is - does she want this marriage to work or not? have you asked her that question? it sounds like you are trying but she is not. you can't save this marriage by yourself. it sounds like she it ditzy, or something is wrong, if she can't remember names that you have mentioned over the last 15 years. 

do you think there is something medically wrong with her? if she will be offended at your suggestion to see a doctor, and is too busy for a date night (can't you go after 8pm when the kid is asleep to see a movie or go to a diner or anything?), then I'm afraid this marriage is over. you can try to work out a custody deal to get your kid 50% of the time. this horrible marriage shouldn't be a life sentence.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wantthistowork said:


> Elegirl - Thanks for the tips on the books. I will read them but can almost guarantee my wife won't make the time commitment to this or therapy.


It does not matter is she will read the books, make a commitment or go to therapy… right now. What matters is that at least one of you is pursuing the things that need to be done to fix your marriage. One spouse can change a marriage with unilateral changes…. If you change she has to change. That’s how it works. Her changes will not be immediate but they will come with time as long as you do the right things and are consistent with your changes.

You have a choice. You can keep up your calling her lazy and not liking her. You are going to end up in a divorce. You will see a lot less of your son. She gets 50% of everything and at the very least child support. Depending on the state you might be paying her alimony. Divorce is not a solution. You will still have the same problems and a whole heap more. It’s worth putting in the effort to fix your marriage.

Think of your wife and your marriage as people who need extra nurturing right now. And give both what they need. 



wantthistowork said:


> Her biggest complaint is she doesn't have time for anything and doesn't seem to have the desire to make time management changes. We spend zero hours per week doing things together. Fun or task. Don't have family close so childcare for date nights are challenging and our son is extremely difficult to get to bed before 8pm so evenings end up focussed on his routine.


Your son goes to bed at 8pm. 7-8pm is normal bedtime for a child his age. What time do you and your wife go to bed that you cannot even spend half an hour together every night?

You can find child care. There are places that have parent’s nights out… places like church’s, gyms, etc. Look around your community and find them. Take advantage of them.

Go to Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup and see if there are things in your area that you and your wife would enjoy doing. And if there are things that you two can do with your son as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IsGirl3 said:


> i guess the question is - does she want this marriage to work or not? have you asked her that question? it sounds like you are trying but she is not. you can't save this marriage by yourself. it sounds like she it ditzy, or something is wrong, if she can't remember names that you have mentioned over the last 15 years.
> 
> do you think there is something medically wrong with her? if she will be offended at your suggestion to see a doctor, and is too busy for a date night (can't you go after 8pm when the kid is asleep to see a movie or go to a diner or anything?), then I'm afraid this marriage is over. you can try to work out a custody deal to get your kid 50% of the time. this horrible marriage shouldn't be a life sentence.


Read the book "Divorce Busting". It talks about how to save a marriage through unilateral changes... where one spouse make changes ... the other is thus forced to change.

The 180 is also a very important concept it talks about. Not the 180 linked to on this forum for BS's to use. But instead 180's that are geared towards the individual couple and their issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Have you talked to her in a compassionate way? If she thinks you are telling her what to do she is not going to respond.
> IIWY I would find a babysitter and go on a date. Tell her that you are worried she is getting burned out and that she seems to have lost herself. Because she has. Moms need to take care of themselves, and make time for their marriage.
> How much sleep does she get?


If he is talking to her in the manner that he's talking about her here... he's lucky if she does not find a rolling pin to set him straight. 

She's obviously not lazy. And it sounds like she's depressed. But the OP has no compassion at all. He's not coming from love.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wantthistowork said:


> Agreed, she is 100% exhausted; but doesn't know how to stop.


Working 3, 12 hour shifts a week is hard. Since she's working weekends I wonder if she's working night shifts. Most people cannot keep that up for more than a few years. It can destroy a person's health. It messes up a person's bio clock.

Most medical facilities have a 3, 12 hours shift with 4, 12 hour shifts every 4th week.

Marriage is not only about the good times. It’s about the bad times as well. Neither of you is abusing the other. You both sound like hard working people. You are just both lost right now. She sounds depressed. When our spouse has serious problems we fight to help them. 



wantthistowork said:


> I really am not minimizing what she does;


Yes you are. You started out here telling us that she was lazy and did not pull her weight. Then we find out that she does indeed pull her weight. Once we found that out now you are saying that she’s not dedicating time to “my family”. “Your family”? Not “our family”? The words a person choses tell us a lot about where their head is at.
How much time is she spending on things besides you and ‘family’? What things does she do that not with the family? How much time a week is she spending outside the family?



wantthistowork said:


> however if someone told me countless times that I need to dedicate more time to my family and reduce time spent doing other activities. I would listen out of respect and love for what is important.


Read the books. Read “Divorce Busting” too. You are not meeting her needs so she is doing whatever she can to get them met. Figure out what her needs are and start meeting them. See if that changes things.


wantthistowork said:


> This is why I am frustrated. I too work full time and even work more hours. I am at the airport at 5am alot of days and not home until 11pm from work. I still make up for it other days to ensure I have balance and am giving enough attention to my family. There are days where I have either cooked or ordered food so she wouldn't have to cook and somehow she is in the kitchen for over 1 hour doing god knows what.


How many days a week do you work 5am-11pm? Do you work mon-fri? Do you work on weekends sometimes? You say that you travel sometimes? How much and on what days of the week?


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

What activities is she supposed to reduce? Maybe she takes two hours to cook dinner because cooking is therapeutic for her. 

Having a small child in the house is a time during which couples have less time for each other. That's just the way it is. It passes.

Also, though it sounds to me like she does a lot, maybe the things she has to do use up the energy she has. Different people have different energy levels. I've been told by my husband in the past that I'm lazy, but like your wife, I work, have taken care of our kids (he works til nearly 8:00 every night, so I did the bulk of this), and take care of the house. I'm an introvert, which means, partly, that I'm a fairly low energy person. By the time my husband gets home, I've had a full day and I'm tired. So the tired is all he sees. But I'm not lazy.


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