# How do you know?



## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

My husband and I have been married 6 years, together for 7 and we have 4 children. We have recently separated and just hit 30 days. My husband had behavioral issues stemming from when he was a child, (I was not aware of this until it started showing in our relationship), very mean, I could never do anything right (which he told me that on more than one occasion), berating, everyday life was just miserable, he could go spend whatever he wanted but If I had to buy anything even for the kids I would get yelled at. One instance at 4am when I didn’t lay the “right” shirt out for him for work he was yelling at cursing at me and took out a hunting knife and cut the shirt up. He has shoved all of my things (I.e clothes, jewelry boxes) that was sitting on our dresser off into the floor. 
I would cry and beg and plead for things to change, I begged for him to talk to me and told him if we didn’t fix it I would leave. I offered up counseling to which he said no. 
I finally asked him for a divorce and he begged me not to do that and swore he would change. Which he did, he has been going to the doctor and counseling and is now on medication and is doing SO much better but still, his last outburst with me was Christmas and I still asked for divorce and he asked that we try separation instead to which I agreed.
He is doing much better and I can see that but I’m so resentful. And I feel like sometimes I just want to be back together and try to be happy but then when he comes around I have such mixed feelings. I feel so angry with him and wondering when the next explosion is going to happen. Idk I’m so confused. If you were able to read all of that, thanks, if you have any advise or words for me, thank you again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sometimes things happen that even when changed, can't be walked back. My advice regarding abuse is generally to leave, but it's really up to you.
I also don't think him doing better is really an indication that he'd continue doing better if you were back together. I mean, he was just fine before you were in a relationship with him, right? Well, he's kind of back in that situation now. He may just not be cut out for relationships.
I'd stay separated for now. Give yourself time to think, space to be objective, and think about the future you want for yourself and your kids.


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## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Sometimes things happen that even when changed, can't be walked back. My advice regarding abuse is generally to leave, but it's really up to you.
> I also don't think him doing better is really an indication that he'd continue doing better if you were back together. I mean, he was just fine before you were in a relationship with him, right? Well, he's kind of back in that situation now. He may just not be cut out for relationships.
> I'd stay separated for now. Give yourself time to think, space to be objective, and think about the future you want for yourself and your kids.


thank you for responding, no he really wasn’t fine before we were together, from what I understand he was very rude and berating to everyone, he really needed counseling when he was a child but no one did that for him, but now being faced with his family really gone he has decided it’s time to do it, unfortunately I have begged too much and feel it’s too late for me to forgive him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cnw1005 said:


> thank you for responding, no he really wasn’t fine before we were together, from what I understand he was very rude and berating to everyone, he really needed counseling when he was a child but no one did that for him, but now being faced with his family really gone he has decided it’s time to do it, unfortunately I have begged too much and feel it’s too late for me to forgive him.


Then it's over, isn't it?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think, as the person who had to take his abuse for years, counseling would be a good idea for you as well, It will help you to learn to overcome your feelings of resentment and fear, not necessarily so you can reconcile with your husband but so that you can move forward in your life strong and secure. You may find therapy leads you back to him or you may not but either way you'll be stronger and able to know you won't take his or anyone else's abuse again.

Forgiveness is a very hard gift to give but once we give it we usually find peace for ourselves as well. If your husband had huge obstacles to overcome from his childhood it might be easier to forgive him. Sometimes it takes really knowing we are going to lose all that we cherish to make us face the things we don't want to face. If his childhood was that difficult it can't be easy for him to go to therapy and essentially relive it for the therapist and work through all of it again. It might help to realize it wasn't that he didn't care enough about you to do it. He was terrified to do it but the fear of losing you was worse that that very real fear. Looking at it this way may help you to forgive him, maybe not enough to go back to him but at least enough to heal yourself and make a better life for all of you.

I wish you good luck. It's not an easy journey but it is a very necessary one. _hugs_


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree -- I think YOU should go to your own counselor for your own sake. Being subjected to abuse like that can be really detrimental -- you may find a way past the resentment, esp. if he is doing the work to be better.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I love what @notmyjamie said. I can't improve on that, but I wanted to add that forgiveness does not require us to continue relationships with people who have wronged us. We can decide to end the relationship and not be associated with that person anymore, while simultaneously practicing forgiveness. The Lord Jesus Christ said "....seventy times seven...."....in His omniscient wisdom, He knew that we would have to consciously choose to forgive over and over again before it finally becomes effective.

Resentment is powerful, a "stronghold" in our psyche which does not bring anything good to us.


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