# forgive again??



## 1confusedgal (Jul 28, 2011)

Im posted this yesterday in a different area... but I wonder if it better fits here:

I have been married for almost 20 years. Ever since the beginning things were rough. But, I knew marriage was hard work and tried to stick through it. A few years into our marriage, my husband started to become more and more distant. He would make comments to make me feel bad, went out with his buddies until very late at night, and after I had my son (and was dealing with postpartum depression) he yelled at me because I didn't want to have sex. It was terribly nasty and I cried and begged God to help me. From then on, our fights would turn vicious, and I would end up crying and being miserable. 
Once when we went out together, which was rare, I had commented on the way home about what a nice time I had. I was serious, but some how he turned it around and started in on me in the car. It became so heated, he dropped me off in our neighborhood and told me to walk home. It didn't take long for him to come speeding around the corner to get me, but in no way was he apologetic. The argument continued at home. As the years passed, I became more complacent, knowing that if I didn't contribute to an argument, it wouldn't go anywhere. 

Then I found out my husband was having an affair. Actually, I found out that he had had many affairs. He used to pick women up at bars, go to their place and have sex. He even had his buddies in on things, and they never let on to me what was happening. I was completely oblivious to all of this. I guess I just assumed that things were finally getting better between us. Anyway, I decided, for the sake of my kids, to give him another chance. I made it clear that I was not going to take the crap he was dealing out prior to this acceptable. He agreed, and things changed. 
Unfortunately, I was constantly looking over my shoulder for clues that he was cheating. Oh my goodness, did I ever! I was checking pockets, and smelling shirts. There was no texting yet thank goodness. He was still an uptight man, who argued a lot, and liked to throw in comments to "put me in my place", but I never found actual proof he was cheating. All I told myself was that he was "better at hiding it" now. 
Years passed and things continued this way, sex became a job to avoid a fight, and it didn't matter anyway, because I always felt used anyway. He would roll over and fall asleep. Its sad when you cry after sex... We slowly drifted apart. 
My daughter once asked me why I let her father talk to me the way I do? A wake up call that I'm becoming a bigger doormat than ever. 
Then, one night he blew a major gasket over something trivial. It escalated and he ended up punching a hole in the wall, punching a tv, and a door. His knuckles were bloody and sore and he shook them in my face as he yelled at me. I was terrified, but he never hit me. He apologized profusely the following day, saying he was going to change and get some help for his anger problem. I started seeing a counselor. Basically, his anger management lasted a total of 2 sessions. And I put a time frame on how long I was going to stay in my marriage. 5 years. That was when my kids were out of high school. Kinda sad.
I started to really retreat after this. Taking advantage of times he would be away for business (relief... freedom).
Recently I found an old email he sent to a woman from a high school reunion a while back. It wasn't too terrible, but did say he really enjoyed spending time w her, and dancing, and texting back and forth on the long ride home. Then he mentioned he had her number so maybe he could call her sometime. She lives pretty far away, so I wasn't too concerned this would happen. I also found an email from her. It started with "Hi Sweetie". Sweetie?? and she attached a picture of them being cozy at the reunion. The weird thing is that these emails were sent to his work email and he even forwarded the one from her to yet a different work email. Im not sure how it ended up in our home email. I asked him about it, and he brushed it off as "excessive flirting" but nothing else. Not sure if I believed it,or even know what that is, but the fact he hid it from me threw up a red flag. 5 years later-- time for another reunion, and he facebook messages HER to see if she is going. There wasnt a reply, but who's to say they didn't communicate some other way. Once again, I'm back to searching for things in pockets, checking emails, smelling shirts. The bad thing is, I cant check his messages because it is a work phone. At one time I could get on his phone and look, but if I wanted to see if he was deleting any, it was impossible. And he still has his work emails, that I have to access to at all. 
He tells me he has not been unfaithful since I found out about the first one(s). Maybe he hasn't, but I'm still putting up with his crap. We went on a Christmas cruise a couple years back, and he decided to take scuba lessons. They lasted every day, for nearly the whole day! I spent the vacation by myself. When we did have some time together, it ended in him yelling at me, and calling me a bi*** over the hallway phone. I thought he was leaving the room to get "US" something to drink-- I was anticipating intimacy-- he went to get himself a sandwich. And he ate it by himself. 
So here I am. My first kid is off to college. My second still has 2 more years of high school. I dont want to wait anymore. Life is too short. But... my husbands father recently passed away, and he tells me he is a completely different man now. He realizes what he has, etc etc. It would be nice to believe him, but how many times do I have to forgive... and hopefully not become the doormat yet again? And, if he does change and I leave, some other woman will get the "best" of him... when I had the crud. Advice? Should I risk possible "bliss" and keep my "family" together, or should I get out while I can?


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Go now. This is an abusive relationship, and you are teaching your son(s) to treat women this way and your daughter(s) to be treated this way. It is never to late to show them that you are important. They clearly already believe that more than you do.
You are a strong woman. You have the bravery to post this here. You are a caring woman. You have forgiven him how many times?
Sounds like you are religious. I'm going to take a stab and guess Christian. I may be wrong. The bible gives 2 reasons to leave a marriage. Abuse and adultary. You have experienced both. 
There is this story about a person who prays every night to win the lotto. When he dies, he asked God why he didn't answer his prayers. God says, Man, all you needed to do was buy a ticket...
You are brave and strong. You can do it. If you have a religous organization you can go to... or a friend... or maybe even talk to your kid about it... I bet money that your kid loves you and would be willing to help, if you made it not about that daddy is bad, but that the kids is a friend and a grown up and that you respect her/his advice...
Let the other woman get him. Gah, what the hell has he been offering you, eh? Let her have that. You are better than a doormat. Your kid thinks so...
I apologise if this is too blunt...


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## 1confusedgal (Jul 28, 2011)

I appreciate your frankness. I love my husband but I just dont know if I can put myself through one more potential heartbreak. I keep thinking he will change. And over the years, I think he has gotten better. I mean, he isnt as verbal as often. Although I still get a little pit in my stomach when I see his car pull into the drive. Maybe I shouldn't give up... I just dont know.


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

You shouldn't give up... on yourself. 

Staying with him is giving up on yourself, your children, your faith and your life. 
Leaving him is an affirmation of those, that you do, in fact, love yourself. That You love the You that God created and you will not allow it to be treated like garbage. That you have faith that God will walk with you in this. That you are willing to do the hard thing when it is the right thing.

And I think you can do it, from what you have written. Don't ignore that little pit in your stomach. Call it instinct. Call it God talking to you. It amounts to the same thing. You know what is what. You just have to love yourself enough and trust yourself enough to do it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of confusedgal
> but how many times do I have to forgive... and hopefully not become the doormat yet again?


How many times do I have to forgive? You do not have to forgive once; that is your s choice. However, forgiveness is mostly for your benefit. Your definition of forgive and mine maybe different. You seem to think that forgiveness leads to being a door mat. My way of forgiveness is the opposite. *For me forgiveness includes accountability, releasing myself from resntments and other emotional pains, and using the crises to build your self up.*


*What I mean about build yourself up is that you do everything possible to increase your self esteem and get yourself into a position of self efficiency*. I know that you cannot become 100% self efficient but you can get to a very acceptable level in the areas of emotionally, financially, spiritually, and self respect. In other words you get yourself so that you can live with him or without him.




> Quote of confusedgal
> Advice? Should I risk possible "bliss" and keep my "family" together, or should I get out while I can?



Your name of Confusedgal and the fact that you are asking for advice here tells me that you are not close to being sure of your actions one way or the other. If that is the case then I would not make such a huge move just yet. You still have 2 years for your youngest to get out of school. In addition you have indicated that your husband may have changed.

From what you have wrote here is the best advice I can give

*Stay for the two years and during that time make a plan to BUILD YOURSELF UP!* When you become more self reliant then you will be so much happier within yourself and if you want to have a relationship with a man you will be so much better at making a better choice. Even if your husband really does make a change for the better then you will be better equipped so that he cannot make you feel like a door mat.



*STOP depending on others that have not produced for you what they should have and produce for yourself.* Depending on others has not worked for 20 years and that is your reality. I know that is not very romantic but it is great for survival and for making the best of the situation. Give your husband two years to see if he has changed and see if you can make it with him. At the end of two years you will be strong enough to start a new life if your husband is not going to change. You are still young as you have not even lived half your life yet.


*BLUNT*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your H is a MANIPULATOR; he tells you what you want to hear, dangles a carrot, then goes back to being an ass! He hasn't changed...just the lies he uses to placate you have.

I know EXACTLY what you meant when you said


> And, if he does change and I leave, some other woman will get the "best" of him... when I had the crud.


 YEP! They're GREAT at giving you HOPE. I spent 23yrs with a manipulator, left in disgust, found TAM, read some books, WISED UP, and...guess what? My ex is STILL full of shyt! He's got a new gf and I'm sure SHE'S buying his load of BS...so what? It's HER problem now, NOT MINE! It's NOT MY JOB to wise her up!

Do yourself a favor. Read the following TWO books in the following order. You can find them at the library (maybe) or buy them from amazon.com OR buy the e-book version from amazon (you don't need a Kindle...amazon offers a FREE Kindle app you can use on your computer; and you can 'highlight' passages w/your mouse, or leave an electronic 'bookmark').

1.) Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - use it like a workbook and answer EVERY question at the end of every chapter. You will LEARN so much about YOURSELF.

2.) Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation by Harriet Braiker - you will LEARN so much about your HUSBAND.

After you read those TWO books, YOU will have a much better understanding of WHAT is going on in your life. Then you can make an informed decision about your future (and your family's)!

*HUGS* If you read the books, you'll feel MUCH BETTER in a couple of weeks! Honestly!


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