# Wife's Lack of Affection/Intimacy WTF?



## billm75 (Jun 10, 2015)

I'm new here, and registered to the site specifically to share this. I'm looking for any advice, obviously, and hope to find some clarity.

I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for 15 years. Together we've had three children, and from almost the time we met, until the last few years, sex has been incredible. When we were dating/engaged, we could only see each other for a few days/nights a week due to living almost an hour apart.

But when we got together, we had fun, laughed, enjoyed each other's company and sex was INCREDIBLE. Two/three times a night when we were together. As we aged and had children and had to deal with real life, it dropped off a bit. And that's not a problem with me, I mean, who can keep up that kind of pace forever?

Fast forward to the last few years. If we have sex, I initiate it almost 100% of the time. I used to work from home, as she continues to do, so we had plenty of time to sneak off for a bit while the kids were at school and have a little fun together. But even then, I had to be the "aggressor" so to speak. 

If she initiated things, it was a rarity. It was like hitting the lottery for me. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that turns me on more than having her want me.

She rarely turns me down, but still, I feel like she's placating me more than being really into it. Once we get going, she loves it from what I can tell. I've always been really generous with her, and tried to make sure she got foreplay, oral, and an orgasm before any actual sex occurred. That's not to say it was 100% of the time, but I'd say easily 80% of the time. (A quickie now and then was never out of the question, and they were used sparingly).

But lately, we can go a month or so between intimacy, and would probably go longer if it weren't for the fact that I get things started. From the day we became an item, I have told her how beautiful she is to me, how much she means to me and how she turns me on just by being her. It's not b.s., I truly mean that when I say it. I adore this woman. I kiss her, touch her, make innuendos, play and make her laugh as much as I can. There's nothing that makes me happier than to let her know she's wanted and desired.

YET, I can't get any of the same in return. I'm about ready to find me someone who can meet that specific need outside of our marriage at this point. It's frustrating as hell.

I've told her and discussed with her in the past how much it means to me to have her initiate intimacy, to want her to WANT me, not just to accept me. I don't want it to be a chore, or something she puts up with because she feels it's her "duty". 

I'm at my wits' end here. Anyone have any advice? And if not, that's fine too. I appreciate the chance to vent.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

billm75 said:


> I'm new here, and registered to the site specifically to share this. I'm looking for any advice, obviously, and hope to find some clarity.
> 
> I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for 15 years. Together we've had three children, and from almost the time we met, until the last few years, sex has been incredible. When we were dating/engaged, we could only see each other for a few days/nights a week due to living almost an hour apart.
> 
> ...


You should start by reading a book called "No more mr. nice guy", because you may be turning her off by being too nice. That's the first step.


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## billm75 (Jun 10, 2015)

I will look into it, but i doubt that to be the case.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like it's her basic nature, and if so, she won't change. You may have to accept that she will never initiate, but only respond (responsive desire). As long as she responds, hopefully you can accept that along with all the other good things. Few people have the perfect mate, after all. If this is the only real issue, then you can try to get her to change but if she won't, don't force it or you'll probably ruin all the good things as well. If it's not enough, then you have few options other than leaving.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why are you so hung up on her initiating?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Both working. Running a household. Three children. 

There are times in a woman's life cycle that she needs her mate to bring it. You're there.

Question...

How many hours a week do the two of you spend at 'just us time'? 

Just conversation or recreational time, without children, chores, or electronics.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> It sounds like it's her basic nature, and if so, she won't change. You may have to accept that she will never initiate, but only respond (responsive desire). As long as she responds, hopefully you can accept that along with all the other good things. Few people have the perfect mate, after all. If this is the only real issue, then you can try to get her to change but if she won't, don't force it or you'll probably ruin all the good things as well. If it's not enough, then you have few options other than leaving.


Quoted for truth.

There's no other answer.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

You need to spend money you don't have, say things you don't mean, tell her inflated observations about her appearance, and generally act like a shallow schmooze.

Pretend you just met her, and are only interested in nailing her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Some people, men & women, lose their drive for sex. 

But she states she feels its her "duty". Something you are doing, maybe specifically or in general, makes her feel that way. Discover what it is, fix it if possible, and maybe things will improve.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> But lately, we can go a month or so between intimacy, and would probably go longer if it weren't for the fact that I get things started. From the day we became an item, I have told her how beautiful she is to me, how much she means to me and how she turns me on just by being her. It's not b.s., I truly mean that when I say it. I adore this woman. I kiss her, touch her, make innuendos, play and make her laugh as much as I can. There's nothing that makes me happier than to let her know she's wanted and desired.


 Although you sound like a Dream man to me.. unfortunately it must be too much for your wife these last 3 yrs , for whatever reason.. does she harbor any resentment towards you ? Going over a month with no intimacy is nearing a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year)..

You might benefit from this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

marduk said:


> Why are you so hung up on her initiating?


My question too. Are you familiar with the concept of "Responsive Desire". Google it. You will be enlightened. And perhaps relieved.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Honestly you are describing her like a sex toy.

Sex is important to you. It is your emotional need.

Sex is not her emotional need. That cannot change. 

You see the world through your own eyes and heart. So what sex means to you, you think it means that to everyone else. It doesn't.

One big secret to marriage is that you have to figure out what her main emotional needs are (not sexual needs) and meet them. You have to demonstrate the same DESIRE you want her to show you in the sexual realm in whatever realm is important to her.

By meeting her needs with passionate desire, she will want to meet your needs with passionate desire. There's more to it, but this is step one.

What are your wife's emotional needs?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I read something a bit deeper than just initiating the act of having sex. Sex is only one part of showing and being physically and lustfully desired, and for some, it is a much smaller part than others. Things like butt grabs, chest grads, and actually verbalizing it with words like hot, sexy, yummy, things that convey lustful thoughts...and at times other than when the clothes are off.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Have you directly just asked for what you want?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When you are ready to start Really dealing with the truth, you will get some good quality help here. 

That means accepting that to improve your marriage - YOU - are going to have to change. 

I get the sense from your first two posts that you have a strong aversion to taking a hard look at yourself. 




billm75 said:


> I'm new here, and registered to the site specifically to share this. I'm looking for any advice, obviously, and hope to find some clarity.
> 
> I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for 15 years. Together we've had three children, and from almost the time we met, until the last few years, sex has been incredible. When we were dating/engaged, we could only see each other for a few days/nights a week due to living almost an hour apart.
> 
> ...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

marduk said:


> Why are you so hung up on her initiating?


exactly, if a man doesn't initiate, you aren't fulfilling your role.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

billm75 said:


> If she initiated things, it was a rarity. It was like hitting the lottery for me. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that turns me on more than having her want me.


Consider that she is initiating in a way that is different than how you do it. For some women, initiating is much more subtle. It can be things like a touch, or a look, or a comment. 

Think back to the last time she was into it from the beginning, and what things she did prior to that. When I did that, I quickly found that my wife was initiating a whole lot more than I realized. But it was much more sublted than I realized. 

It was the difference between knocking on the door of the house and asking to come in (me) and opening the door and standing back to allow someone to enter the house (her).


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

So you are going to leave your beautiful wonderful wife and 3 children because she won't initiate? That's lame. Most women don't initiate so good luck finding one who does. You are having sex when you initiate so be happy about that.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

most answers here seem a little harsh, but it boils down to, 'yep, this is very common'.

I could have written almost the same story at times. It sucks to feel that affection and desire are a one way street. 

It's like having a friend that you always invite out, but they never call you. They seem to have a good time with you, but never make the first move to contact you. After a while, you feel resentful of the situation.

Sorry, no good advice from me, but just keep initiating as much as you want. Remember there are lots of guys (and gals) that are outright rejected each time.


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## billm75 (Jun 10, 2015)

Kitt said:


> Have you directly just asked for what you want?


Yup. Quite a few times over the years. We had a brief period where we were on the outs, and then, when making up and realizing that it was blown way too far out of proportion, she was all over me for like a month or so. 

I'm not unreasonable, I don't think. I don't expect her to be a porn-like wife who's insatiable. But every now and then, having her _want_ me is a nice boost to the ol' male ego.


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## billm75 (Jun 10, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> So you are going to leave your beautiful wonderful wife and 3 children because she won't initiate? That's lame. Most women don't initiate so good luck finding one who does. You are having sex when you initiate so be happy about that.


I don't think I said I was leaving. If it was implied, that was a mistake on my part. I was considering a fling. Not a new life.

I feel like a lot of the replies to my concerns boil down to 

"DUDE...DUDE!!!!! You're still getting laid! What the hell is wrong with you? Man up!!!"

If that's cool with you, I'm happy for you. After 15 years, I'd like to know I was wanted once in a while, not simply tolerated. Sorry if that offends your Alpha Male "got laid, don't matter" mentalities around here.


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## billm75 (Jun 10, 2015)

marduk said:


> Why are you so hung up on her initiating?


It's not as though I expect or desire her to initiate things all the time. Just once in a while. If I don't do it, we could go months without being intimate. Just every now and then, it would be a huge kick to my ego (I'm not ashamed to admit that) if she would DESIRE me and WANT me. 

I'm not unreasonable, I don't think. Is it so much to ask of a spouse to be aggressive once in a while? I don't think it is.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

billm75 said:


> I'm new here, and registered to the site specifically to share this. *I'm looking for any advice*, obviously, and hope to find some clarity.
> 
> I'm at my wits' end here. *Anyone have any advice*? And if not, that's fine too. I appreciate the chance to vent.





billm75 said:


> If that's cool with you, I'm happy for you. After 15 years, I'd like to know I was wanted once in a while, not simply tolerated. *Sorry if that offends your Alpha Male "got laid, don't matter" mentalities around here*.



It's always a good sign when someone asks for advice and then brings the ridicule after people respond.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Having a fling because your wife doesn't initiate is asinine. Please let her know who you really are as a man because I'm pretty sure that a woman who bore and raises your kids and gives you sex when you ask for it doesn't deserve you having a flipping fling and bringing home diseases, betrayal and drama. You are here because you want a hall pass. Your poor wife!


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I suggest you re-think your expectation here. Just because your wife doesn't initiate, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or want you. That is a meaning that *you* assigned. 

Your wife isn't you. She isn't a guy, she doesn't have your sex drive. If *you* didn't initiate, it might mean that *you* didn't want your wife. It is not necessarily the same for her.

Many, many women have "responsive desire." It's a norm. Your wife does want you, or she wouldn't respond to you. 

Having a fling is absolutely blowing up your marriage. It is dropping a nuclear bomb on your wife, your kids, your family. It is a huge risk. It is risking losing your kids' respect. And for what? You're not in a sexless marriage.

I do understand that it's tiring to always be the initiator. But what are your choices, really? You can focus on what you don't have and mope about it, which could possibly lead to really disastrous results, or you can work with what you have. And you have a good thing going. You just have to really look at it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

billm75 said:


> It's not as though I expect or desire her to initiate things all the time. Just once in a while. If I don't do it, we could go months without being intimate. Just every now and then, it would be a huge kick to my ego (I'm not ashamed to admit that) if she would DESIRE me and WANT me.
> 
> I'm not unreasonable, I don't think. Is it so much to ask of a spouse to be aggressive once in a while? I don't think it is.


Sorry man, I missed your response days ago.

It's not too much to _ask_.

It's too much to _expect_. 

Here's the thing. You may get her to initiate. But she'll initiate because you told her to as something on her to-do list, not because she wanted to, you know?

I have something I like to mess around with... which boils down to getting my wife all hot and bothered without touching her or initiating at all. And then, you know, just let her twist in the wind a bit until she can't take it any more and she can't help but initiate.

Things like working out with heavy weights, and walking around the house with no shirt on and all sweaty. Completely innocent, you know, because I'm hot from working out?

"Accidentally" flexing my biceps while stretching. Wearing clothes and cologne I know she likes. Doing manly things like digging a hole in the backyard to plant a tree, fixing her car and getting all dirty, stuff like that. 

Do you know what gets your wife turned on throughout the day? Do you know how to light her fire before foreplay even starts?

Do that. And have maximum outcome independance if she ignores it -- in other words, go do something fun and don't sweat it.

And if your ego can't take having to hit on your wife to get her to have sex with you and your solution is to go cheat on her...

Well, I bloody hope you're a little bit better than than bull****.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

marduk said:


> I have something I like to mess around with... which boils down to getting my wife all hot and bothered without touching her or initiating at all. And then, you know, just let her twist in the wind a bit until she can't take it any more and she can't help but initiate.


This. It's called sexual tension. She expects that you want sex but you stop after giving her some attention via caressing her face and lips, giving her a soft kiss, and departing to later repeat the process but with a loving hug thrown in for good measure. No touching of genitals at all. The time will come when she won't just respond, but will start trying to escalate the foreplay to sex. But you stop and leave. Try it, you have nothing to lose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

billm75 said:


> I don't think I said I was leaving. If it was implied, that was a mistake on my part. I was considering a fling. Not a new life.
> 
> I feel like a lot of the replies to my concerns boil down to
> 
> ...


A "fling" amounts to leaving her. Most betrayed spouses do find out about their spouses' affairs. Only about 31% of marriages recovery after an affair. Most end in divorce.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I have a question. You said that most of the time she is wiling to have sex with you, if so how can it be month between act?
Some women like to be seduced, and it is not in their nature to be an initiator. Also, as you stated once you start going she is into it. To me it mounts to be attracted to you and be a full participant in the act. Not sure what is a problem.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Having a fling is a sucker bet. It's one of those few times when a winner is really a loser. You'll lose far more than what you'll ever gain.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I bet her initiations are going right over your head.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bill,

Your wife initiating is one thing 
Her having responsive desire is related but distinct

If she isn't responding at all - that is a different problem. 

Sadly you haven't really explained what the dynamic is. 

I hope your communication with your wife is:
- clearer and 
- less dismissive and 
- less combative 
than it has been with the folks here.

That style of communication WILL destroy your sex life over time no matter how technically skilled you are between the sheets. 





billm75 said:


> I don't think I said I was leaving. If it was implied, that was a mistake on my part. I was considering a fling. Not a new life.
> 
> I feel like a lot of the replies to my concerns boil down to
> 
> ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

billm75 said:


> I don't think I said I was leaving. If it was implied, that was a mistake on my part. I was considering a fling. Not a new life.
> 
> I feel like a lot of the replies to my concerns boil down to
> 
> ...


Interesting.

Do you want advice or validation?

It sounds a awful lot like the latter.


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## jimmy909 (Jun 25, 2015)

billm75 said:


> I'm new here, and registered to the site specifically to share this. I'm looking for any advice, obviously, and hope to find some clarity.
> 
> I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for 15 years. Together we've had three children, and from almost the time we met, until the last few years, sex has been incredible. When we were dating/engaged, we could only see each other for a few days/nights a week due to living almost an hour apart.
> 
> ...


Glad i am not the only one then. My sex life was never good. Not once. I kept hanging in thinking it will get better with time, etc...huge mistake. Nothing changed.

You know...i wonder how many guys would get married if they knew the relaity of it it goes ove the year for the majority? if i could have my time again i don't think i'd do it again. It's simply too difficult.

According to the women's brigade in here no matter what we do we should do more, and expect much less. it seems a natural progression through life. Just wish i knew that 11 years ago. :crying:


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## jimmy909 (Jun 25, 2015)

It doesn't seem to matter what the circumstances here, you always seem to get women saying "it's your fault.. you re not meeting this..and that"

You are too nice, you are trying too hard, you work too long, you don't do this and that enough...."

Always an excuse at hand.
"tired, busy, stressed, depressed, pills, menapause.." always some excuse for it. If they have an affair or simply give up, that's our fault! 

Guess what i too sometime sam tired, stressed, overworked, worried, should that give me an excuse to act like a complete **** for the next 12 months+

Maybe...maybe most marriages are B*S* It's man made environment trying to force two people into a life that isn't natural.
I hope some 20 year old guy reads this forum and it puts him off marriage for-ever. Thank us in about 20 years time pal.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"The victim chair is good for me"

...said nobody ever.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> I have a question. You said that most of the time she is wiling to have sex with you, if so how can it be month between act?
> Some women like to be seduced, and it is not in their nature to be an initiator. Also, as you stated once you start going she is into it. To me it mounts to be attracted to you and be a full participant in the act. *Not sure what is a problem*.


His ego.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think people are beating up on OP a little bit much here (except for the affair thing--that deserves beating up). If his wife had never initiated and now he expects her to, that would be one thing. He's indicated that she used to initiate, but no longer does. It's not wrong for him to enjoy her initiating. It doesn't make him less of a man. It doesn't mean he's not holding up his end of the marriage by being the 100% initiator. It means he likes it when his wife initiates, and he misses that.

Guess what? Me too.

Maybe he's missing subtle initiations. But if she spends x amount of years initiating a certain way that he recognizes, and then suddenly doesn't initiate that way anymore---is it really his fault that he's missing cues? Does he bear all the responsibility for her changing the game without letting him know? Maybe. Maybe not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jimmy909 said:


> According to the women's brigade in here no matter what we do we should do more, and expect much less. it seems a natural progression through life.


Amusing in that not one woman told the OP what you suggest here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I think people are beating up on OP a little bit much here (except for the affair thing--that deserves beating up). If his wife had never initiated and now he expects her to, that would be one thing. He's indicated that she used to initiate, but no longer does. It's not wrong for him to enjoy her initiating. It doesn't make him less of a man. It doesn't mean he's not holding up his end of the marriage by being the 100% initiator. It means he likes it when his wife initiates, and he misses that.
> 
> Guess what? Me too.
> 
> Maybe he's missing subtle initiations. But if she spends x amount of years initiating a certain way that he recognizes, and then suddenly doesn't initiate that way anymore---is it really his fault that he's missing cues? Does he bear all the responsibility for her changing the game without letting him know? Maybe. Maybe not.


Yes, she has responsibility. They both do. He needs to tell her very clearly...like let her read the OP. If she goes not get it, he needs to get the two of them into counseling.

But like all of us, the only person he can change is himself. So that's where he starts. He's the one here looking for advice. So he's the only person we can give advice to. We have no way to talk to his wife.

Or maybe he's just looking for an excuse to have an affair. Who knows.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

billm75 said:


> I'm new here, and registered to the site specifically to share this. I'm looking for any advice, obviously, and hope to find some clarity.
> 
> I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for 15 years. Together we've had three children, and from almost the time we met, until the last few years, sex has been incredible. When we were dating/engaged, we could only see each other for a few days/nights a week due to living almost an hour apart.
> 
> ...



There is always one who is passive and one who is the aggressor.

You are the aggressor and she is the passive type.

My wife Mrs.CuddleBug is also passive and if I don't initiate, sex usually doesn't happen. Just the way our ladies are when it comes to sex, both passive and like it when we initiate, even when they turn us down.


Married 15 years as well, just no kids and only a cat.

Your wife is probably LD and you are HD. Sexual mismatch is quite common. I too am HD and my wife is LD.

After she had the kids, I bet her hormones have changed and her body image isn't what she would like it to be. Then there's peri menopause and menopause kicking in.

Your wife is the type who is passive, not the aggressor, more LD compared to you HD, and wants and needs you to initiate even if she isn't in the mood and turns you down.

I too would love it if Mrs.CuddleBug was more the aggressor, at least 50% of the time, but that is not who she is and same with your wife.

You can't make her be the aggressor. That is what she wants from you.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He's gone. Hopefully he ignored all of your bad advice and realized his wife doesn't love him any more and is dealing with that stress. CORRECTLY.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

billm75 said:


> I don't think I said I was leaving. If it was implied, that was a mistake on my part. * I was considering a fling.* Not a new life.



So you came to a site like TAM to say you are considering cheating, you just joined.... etc etc.

I'm out !


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