# Mate Guarding Yourself



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I had posted a little about this on another thread...

The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.

But what about guarding yourself on your mate's behalf? Do you do things that would qualify as this? 

One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.

I also make sure to keep a "non flirty" vibe with anyone I feel chemistry or sexual attraction to....whereas I may be "innocently flirty" with people who I know for certain will not ever make me compromise my feelings for my partner.

I can think of some other examples but just wondered if others consciously do this.

In Marriage Builders, they call this taking extraordinary precautions, and usually this is suggested for after an affair...but to some degree, I think it is just something we should all do to do avoid developing crushes on other people....but having said that, I know some people have truly innocent crushes, and I am not talking about those. For myself, I just always make sure I don't have enough feelings (sexual or emotional) for anyone to develop any crush at all.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think this is a great thread. I don't ''mate guard'' though, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. If my fiance can't tell a chick to back off, we shouldn't be together. Same for me. He is more into 'stepping in' when he knows a guy might be approaching me in a social setting, but I don't feel comfortable 'making it known' that he's my fiance. That's just me. I haven't really dealt with it in front of my face yet, but I'm sure there are women he encounters throughout his day that might be forward, as he's pretty hot. lol And I trust that he doesn't entertain them.

But, mate guarding ourselves is a great idea, and something I believe in. I don't flirt with guys, only my fiance.  I think that people should be aware of how their actions make others feel, and sometimes 'innocent' flirting on our parts, might be taken differently by someone else.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@*Deidre* yes, I would say most of the time, there's really no need to mate guard our partners. Most people are not aggressively hitting on our partners enough to warrant it. 

Though sometimes I will do it playfully, in a way that just lets my partner know that I noticed another woman was checking him out and will say something like "she betta not be tryin' to get up on you or she'll be hurtin'", and I will act all tough about it. Though in reality, any partner I've been with knows I would never cause any type of scene like this.

More importantly is guarding ourselves, I think, on our mate's behalf. Especially since most of the type of interest coming at us that would be a threat to our partner is going to happen when they are not around.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I’ll admit I am not very good at this mostly because I don’t see the more subtle indicators that a man is interested in me, you pretty much have to spell it out for me. Doh! My female friends and my 23 year old DD are the ones that notice and tell me, usually after the fact and I am always surprised.

I have had situations at work (all male workplaces) before where someone made advances and I was surprised because I didn’t see it coming. I have no problems shutting that type of advance down hard but I would rather not have to deal with them in the first place. That said, the most important thing that I do is to make sure that I am never alone with a man. There are always others present or in the vicinity if I am in public and it also includes the men I work with. If they think I am an “ice queen” at my workplace then that’s a good thing in my eyes. I do this to avoid gossip and innuendo and also for personal safety.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always been unabashedly open with my husband.. I've been this way since I was a teen.. not like this will ever change.. we openly talk about others we work with.. meet out & about.... we share our conversations...it's just common place, our "norm".. 

I've had a new job for a while now.... there is a male co-worker there.. I enjoy talking to him...he reminds me A LOT of my husband's laid back personalty.. I'd suspect they have the same temperament even...I am not attracted to him physically .. but I still enjoy when he is working.. I've outright told my husband this.. I've mentioned the things we've talked about.. totally innocent.. from vacations destinations to Gettysburg history to Local serial killers...anything goes.... some co-workers are just "Blaaah", they don't smile much or they only seem to talk to those they've known for a long time...I was the new kid on the block... so you gravitate to those who show themselves friendly.. pretty much the case here.. 

Now, admittedly.. If he was wildly attractive.. I do think I'd have to calm my jets in starting some of the conversations I do, or lingering talking to him.. 

Neither myself or husband has ever did the slightest mate guarding or felt it necessary.. we talked about many moons ago...we both see it the same.. it's WE who are accountable to each other.. I wouldn't be blaming another woman if he got flirty.. if that's what he wants to do.. that speaks something...he's shown early on how he handles a woman coming on to him ... saying "I don't think my girlfriend would like that".. I dearly loved the little story, how she just left all of her groceries there and ran out of the store, when she felt rejected....he's a very faithful guy -always... 

Then there is me.. I've never had much trouble saying what I think.. being easily led, easily seduced...if I was to flirt back, banter, get sexual, or fall into something.. the blame would be ENTIRELY ON ME, there is no excuses at all.. I am the one accountable to him, promises made.. IF that is what I wanted.. he'd be devastated but give me my freedom... 

Outside of working.. we've always done most everything together anyway.. which has greatly reduced opportunities like these - growing or escalating into anything.. I can't even think of anything starting to "smoke" really.. the closest was ....an old high school friend we met up with in mid life, he was far too complimentary on me.. our friends were warning me - he wanted me... he eventually stopped coming over, removed himself from our circle.. He guarded himself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Great thread. I am not saying I am all that and a bag of chips, but I do have a man at work who has been crushing on me for years . He usually says when I walk in the room, oh it just got hotter in here! It is all in good fun, but I usually say something to the effect of, well what a nice thing to say, thank you.I'll be sure to tell my boyfriend you said so. (And I do. Keeps my BF on his toes).

And, I also have a picture of my boyfriend and my dog as my computer screen saver. On a regular basis, this guy asks if I am still with my boyfriend and is he treating me right?. I smile and say yes we are doing great thanks for asking.

Other times, I would see him in his Department and have a friendly chat with him. He would later email me and say he was tongue-tied because of my "radiating beauty and vivaciousness". LOL.

It all looks pretty awkward when I write it in black and white here , but the conversation is always very fluid and nonawkward .

I think I do a pretty good job mate guarding myself.

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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.


I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.

But how are you getting to or how are you able to get to a point where you start to develop sexual attraction to somebody?

not trying to be difficult or obtuse. I don't understand how you develop these feelings without having spent some significant (possibly inappropriate) time with that person.




Faithful Wife said:


> For myself, I just always make sure I don't have enough feelings (sexual or emotional) for anyone to develop any crush at all.


Again, I freely admit that I am ignorant here.
If you are maintaining an appropriate relationship with people, how are you developing sexual and or emotional feelings?

We could be talking about the same thing and it's just worded differently. Like I said, I am ignorant here and am just trying to understand what you're stating.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll share...

I was once shopping in a bookstore and another person started hitting on me so hard that apparently there was a vibe of "let's go get it on" in the air. I was absolutely oblivious, and my wife was laughing at me, and even the clerks working in the store were making faces. 

I don't have anything against gay people, but I often get hit on by dudes without realizing it. I have no freaking clue that there are sexual overtones because my mind just does not work that way. I'm just like, "wow here is someone being very nice to me that shares similar interests as me! Yes we should hang out sometime! Of course we can go grab a coffee!" 

...then my wife will pull me to the side and explain, and THEN it freaks me out because I can see that things were definitely not innocent. My gaydar is just completely broken. 

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@badsanta
Your story reminds me of the time my husband got talking to another guy in a bar, he had no clue until the guy touched his behind! 
To this day, he blames it on the fact that he was drinking from a martini glass, so now he will only drink c0cktails from "manly" scotch glasses, even at home! 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> I think this is a great thread. I don't ''mate guard'' though, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. If my fiance can't tell a chick to back off, we shouldn't be together. Same for me.


I agree. I am not inclined to police my wife's interactions, and vice versa. She should - and does - do that herself (if she needs my help, she'll ask). However, many people don't, for whatever reason, and so a spouse may need to keep watch. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust to enforce boundaries. Boundaries may be more "porous" for those in less than great relationships, though, so I think the best foundation is to consistently work to keep your relationship healthy and strong.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm going to preface my post by saying that I mean no offense, to anyone, but the whole idea of mate guarding oneself is a 'pretty' people problem. It's a foreign concept to me and not something that crosses my mind ever.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I had posted a little about this on another thread...
> 
> The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.
> 
> ...


In regards to guarding myself, I do it all the time. I know I am weak and I know if I place myself in the wrong place at the wrong time I am very likely to fail. Sometimes I'll get a glance that tells me there is strong sexual attraction and I will purposely walk the other way.

It's hard, but sometimes it's the only way out.

Maybe someone else can play with fire and come out fine. I usually get my asss burned.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I had posted a little about this on another thread...
> 
> The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.


I haven't run into a case where I needed to c0ck block someone interacting with my wife. Generally we are not in places where gamers hunt.



Faithful Wife said:


> But what about guarding yourself on your mate's behalf? Do you do things that would qualify as this?
> 
> One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.
> 
> ...


This is really a discussion about boundaries.

Each of us should have appropriate boundaries for all of our interactions with OSFs and our same sex friends.

* Include spouse in as many activities with friends as possible
* Say nothing that you can't say in front of your spouse
* No bad talking about either spouse
* Minimize alone time with OSFs
* No touching beyond greeting formalities. 
* Don't communiate with the opposite sex more than your same gender friends or your spouse (includes talk, phone, text, FB etc.)
* Do not do anything online that you wouldn’t do in person. 
* Transparency: it should be obvious what you are doing and with whom. There should be no secrets (with the exception of surprise parties etc.). Both spouses should have access to all facebook accounts, email passwords, and cell phones.

Each person may have a slightly different list which may be more or less restrictive but it is critical that one has and abides by boundaries that are agreed upon with your spouse.

By having these boundaries and others we minimize the chance of developing feelings for another that could lead to it supplanting our emotional investment in our spouse.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

snerg said:


> I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
> I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.
> 
> But how are you getting to or how are you able to get to a point where you start to develop sexual attraction to somebody?
> ...


You don't need to spend "quality" time with people to begin to develop feelings for another. Sometimes it's an instantaneous attraction. I've had a couple of these. At other times just being with someone that you have pleasant conversations (includes email, chat etc) you start to form neural patterns that respond with dopamine and other neural chemicals when you have repeated interactions. Over time the chemicals are addictive and you begin to escalate contact. The escalation to quality time is already a sign that you are becoming addicted and are developing feelings for someone. This is how EAs start. They are innocent at first and over successive escalations you become addicted to the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin released. You don't need an "inappropriate" relationship for this to happen. At first it is often all above board. However there is a time when the appropriate is passed and that is usually after those feelings have been developed..


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

UMP said:


> In regards to guarding myself, I do it all the time. I know I am weak and I know if I place myself in the wrong place at the wrong time I am very likely to fail. Sometimes I'll get a glance that tells me there is strong sexual attraction and I will purposely walk the other way.
> 
> It's hard, but sometimes it's the only way out.
> 
> Maybe someone else can play with fire and come out fine. I usually get my asss burned.


You are in good company with this philosophy. Here is what Entropy had to say:




Entropy3000 said:


> I found that female friends are my kryptonite so my boundaries are going to be much stronger now than for others.



Basically we need to know our limitations and work around them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The key to not cheating is never putting yourself in the position to be tempted to cheat with opportunity. Once you are in a situation where you are tempted and have the opportunity it can be too late. If you are attracted to a person then you need to be vigilant that you relationship with them is professional.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

snerg said:


> I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
> I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.
> 
> But how are you getting to or how are you able to get to a point where you start to develop sexual attraction to somebody?
> ...


Well, one example is a guy I have worked with for 6 years. We have never had a conversation outside of work, nor any inappropriate conversation at work. We do not work in the same department, but we are both managers and have some things we have to work on together occasionally.

I feel physically attracted to this guy, and I feel that he feels it for me, too (based only on a feeling I have, not on anything he's ever done that is inappropriate...I do not think he knows I feel attraction for him, however). So I have the sense we have mutual attraction to each other that is mostly physical but also mental (as in, we respect each other and may have things in common that would make us interested in each other if we were both single...but this is not tested and is only a feeling I have).

Because of this sense I have of underlying mutual attraction, I just make sure that nothing "develops" between us. I do this by ignoring my feelings of attraction (not difficult to do) and seeing him as only a co-worker not as an attractive guy. If I ever catch my eye lingering on him or my mind thinking "gosh he's cute..." I just pull myself back and think of something else.

I'm not saying this is a constant struggle, it is actually very easy and these feelings of attraction are not very strong. 

But they would be strong if I dwelled upon them, if I interacted with him more, if I got a little flirty or he did. The more attraction feelings grow, they can turn into a crush. From there, they can turn into a fascination or more....especially if the other party does feel the same.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> I'm going to preface my post by saying that I mean no offense, to anyone, but the whole idea of mate guarding oneself is a 'pretty' people problem. It's a foreign concept to me and not something that crosses my mind ever.


Hmmm....not taking any offense, but I have known a lot of people who wouldn't fall into the category of "pretty" who have left their partners for other "not pretty category" people....starting as innocent flirting, then fascination with each other, then an affair.

I think people are attracted to each other as individuals, and there is no group (such as "the pretty") who have cornered the market on attraction.

My mom used to tell me about these people she knew in the dance community. They we both married to other people but became dance partners because their spouses did not want to learn to dance. This actually happens all the time, and we social dance with people other than our spouse even if our spouse does dance. So just the act of dancing with others is not a problem, even on a regular basis such as having a specific dance partner (one who you take classes with and even do performances, for example). 

But this couple my mom knew, she saw them falling in love as they kept coming out to the dances and dancing. Eventually they both left their spouses to be with each other and are married now. I am not condoning this, I'm just telling the story. I don't know anything about the first marriages of these two. All I know is that as my mom was telling me about the couple, I had a picture in my mind of what they may look like.....but when I actually met them a couple of years later....they were so, so far from "pretty". They are both in their 60's and look their age, both overweight, and neither are conventionally attractive. They were clearly in love though, and again, not condoning the affair, but to me they looked like they had always belonged together.

They were quite intelligent people, educated, and successful in business. And they both love to dance. I am sure these things were the beginning of their attraction for each other....though when seeing them together, simply glowing, they both were clearly physically and sexually attracted to each other in abundance.

Had they guarded themselves against this attraction when it began....would they still have left their other spouses eventually for other reasons? I have no clue. But I know from the story exactly how this all started, and that it could have been prevented.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> I'm going to preface my post by saying that I mean no offense, to anyone, but the whole idea of mate guarding oneself is a 'pretty' people problem. It's a foreign concept to me and not something that crosses my mind ever.


Ummmmm says the lady that deleted her bikini photo because all the men thought it was hot!
@Lila you said it was just "weird" but in my opinion you were instinctively mate guarding!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This is not much of an issue for us. I have no interest in policing anything or anyone - he's an adult and doesn't need me to step in to stop him from falling into someone's clutches, lol.

As for me, I've spent almost 20 years working in big name consulting and software industries where I've had lots and lots (and lots) of practice at keeping men at bay. I don't have to bother being careful about feeling chemistry for someone - I am not wired that way - and I have become very good at walking the tightrope of work/networking/social boundaries. After all this time, guys flirting just rolls off my back and washes away without notice as I genuinely have no interest in anyone other than the one I come home to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We guarded ourselves, but at times, we helped each other out. I've had women come tell me that a woman was hitting on my husband. I just smiled and said that he could take care of himself. 

I've had women tell me that a man was hitting on my husband. That is when I would step in and tell the guy that husband was mine and he could get his own. Like @badsanta, my husband never had gaydar - growing up with three brothers he honestly could not pick up on the signals.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

badsanta said:


> Ummmmm says the lady that deleted her bikini photo because all the men thought it was hot!
> 
> @Lila you said it was just "weird" but in my opinion you were instinctively mate guarding!


Perhaps it was less of a boundary issue than being bewildered about the non-sequitur response to a post about body stature and BMI contributing to the thread.

There is a difference between keeping boundaries and having unwanted forcefull advances made. This is something my wife deals with too much and @norajane as well it seems.


Here is what Mrs. meson had to say about it today in another context:


> Thank you Michelle Obama for speaking for me. *Thank you Michelle Obama for understanding the frustration when a customer grabbed my bottom when I worked in a restaurant and I was too young to know how to respond. *Thank you Michelle Obama for telling the world how it feels on at least two occasions to have a male colleague force his unwanted affections on me while on business travel. *Thank you Michelle Obama for reminding me that an older female colleague once gave me 'The Talk' about how to deal with unwanted advances when I was a fledgling scientist in a predominantly male field, and of my responsibility to pass that down. *Thank you Michelle Obama for understanding my bewilderment when during the Clarence Thomas hearings a colleague stated that no strong woman would tolerate sexual harassment in the workplace or let it go unreported. Thank you Michelle Obama for telling the world that at 56 I still have those above me in the management chain that can't control their hugs or hands. **Thank you Michelle Obama for telling all our stories, and holding all in power to a higher standard both in words and actions*.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't think my W and I really mate guard ourselves (1) b/c we are rarely in positions where we would have to mate guard ourselves and (2) neither of us are overly concerned that we will be woohed by someone else (not that we wouldn't get attention, but that we would in any way act on it). However, one interesting note. A while back when things with my W were a bit off, I was more "aware" of other women and how they looked at/responded to me. Not that it isn't something I have noticed many times before, but honestly never really cared. The moment though I started taking a bit more of an interest in this, that was the red flag to me that my W and I needed to fix things (so my response was to fix things with my W, not to run into the arms of another woman). 

In terms of flirting, everyone has a different level of what they consider flirting. Flirting with someone under the rationale that you have no interest in them, IMO still could bring unwanted attention to yourself (in particular safety concerns for the female). As well, I would find in inappropriate if my W was flirting with other guys in public (regardless of the motives), and vice versa. This is not directed specifically at you FW, just thinking about your flirting comments and how I would relate that to my marriage.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

badsanta said:


> @Lila you said it was just "weird" but in my opinion you were instinctively mate guarding!


Honestly the comment that caused Lila to delete was downright inappropriate and sketchy IMO, I don't in any way see it as mate guarding.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm....not taking any offense, but I have known a lot of people who wouldn't fall into the category of "pretty" who have left their partners for other "not pretty category" people....starting as innocent flirting, then fascination with each other, then an affair.
> 
> I think people are attracted to each other as individuals, and there is no group (such as "the pretty") who have cornered the market on attraction.
> ......
> Had they guarded themselves against this attraction when it began....would they still have left their other spouses eventually for other reasons? I have no clue. But I know from the story exactly how this all started, and that it could have been prevented.


I probably should have explained my position better. Let me elaborate on what I meant by mate guarding oneself being a 'pretty' people problem. To start, I should have have replaced pretty with attractive (looks, money, power...however one defines it). 

Removing psychological disorders, I think affairs are created when 3 things are combined : opportunity, temptation, and voids (personality, emotional, psychological a.k.a. the underlying motivation). Temptation on its own really doesn't have much of an affect unless there's opportunity and void. I think attractive people find themselves having to mate guard themselves more than unattractive people simply because they are provided more opportunity to practice it. Does this mean only attractive people cheat? Absolutely not, but mate guarding is probably a bigger concern for them than for the less attractive. 

I can tell with all honesty that I've never been hit on by a colleague, boss, or client....much less random people I know or meet in my private life. Opportunities do not present themselves to me in that way. It's probably the reason for my perspective. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@Lila, the fact that you aren't hit on very often does not mean you are not pretty or attractive. Some people give off an 'all business' vibe that short circuits the vultures.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> @Lila, the fact that you aren't hit on very often does not mean you are not pretty or attractive. Some people give off an 'all business' vibe that short circuits the vultures.


Also I'd say...those temperamentally Introverted would get less interactions off the ground - in comparison to the naturally flirty outgoing types...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> I can tell with all honesty that I've never been hit on by a colleague, boss, or client....much less random people I know or meet in my private life. Opportunities do not present themselves to me in that way. It's probably the reason for my perspective.


 @Lila I think you are just oblivious to people hitting on you... I know you have mentioned that your husband is ultra-super handsome and could get by just on his good looks. So perhaps it is YOU that is not attracted to many people, and therefor you do not see their advances towards you. 

When I was a freshman in college, I remember hanging out with this girl and she was bragging about the fact that she was taking birth control and did not have to worry about getting pregnant, because her doctor prescribed it to help her prevent acne. I was like, "wow you really do have such a clear complexion, I never knew birth control could do that!" I never realized she was hitting on me until years later when someone asked me why we never hooked up. It was because I never realized she was hitting on me, because I was more interested in her roommate at the time. 

I'm mostly fussing at you for calling yourself "not pretty" in a round about way!

Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> I agree. I am not inclined to police my wife's interactions, and vice versa. She should - and does - do that herself (if she needs my help, she'll ask). However, many people don't, for whatever reason, and so a spouse may need to keep watch. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust to enforce boundaries. Boundaries may be more "porous" for those in less than great relationships, though, so I think the best foundation is to consistently work to keep your relationship healthy and strong.


I'm engaged to a police officer, and we joke that he literally could police me if he wished.  It's just a joke though, however he has his jealous moments. I don't do anything to warrant his jealousy, he admits that he just doesn't want to lose me. He's working on it, as it is the only thing right now that we sometimes argue about.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I don't get hit on much. (I may fall into one of the two categories that @Blondilocks and @SimplyAmorous indicated. I'm definitely an introvert, so... yeah.)

BUT--

If I do sense that someone is interested and is hitting on me... (which I'm usually bad at, I don't realize when someone is hitting on me, so maybe I get hit on more than I [email protected] there's a third category, maybe you don't even realize you're being hit on)... if someone IS hitting on me (assuming I'm in a committed relationship at the time, since I am no longer married), I will self-mate guard. It doesn't usually get to that point, because when I'm with someone, I have a tendency to mention them in conversation almost immediately, subconsciously.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @badsanta
> Your story reminds me of the time my husband got talking to another guy in a bar, he had no clue until the guy touched his behind!
> To this day, he blames it on the fact that he was drinking from a martini glass, so now he will only drink c0cktails from "manly" scotch glasses, even at home!
> 
> ...


 Was his pinky out while holding his martini glass ?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

meson said:


> This is really a discussion about boundaries.
> 
> Each person may have a slightly different list which may be more or less restrictive but it is critical that one has and abides by boundaries that are agreed upon with your spouse.


I agree it's about boundaries. When considering this thread, I also thought of vibe. 

It's not something tangible but it's there. Perhaps what I have learned (and still learning) the most for myself is to be acutely aware of this. My personality is extroverted, bit of a social butterfly. As an example with vibe, there was a man at work and minimal interaction was needed but when we did, it was approachable and professional. When passing one another, or if we happened to be in the elevator at the same time, that sneaky vibe could be felt. Whether he felt it too was irrelevant. I was aware of it and that said something to me. There was obviously a draw. I consciously didn't engage as much with him as I would with others. 

That vibe, an unexplained feeling of connection, happens with friends too. That can be a great thing! The chemistry is felt and you feel that click ...after an interview once, I remember feeling if I worked there, the interviewer and I would become good friends. I did get that job and her and I are still friends now, even though we've both moved on from that organization. 

It's something I've needed to learn, and still learning, to pay attention to and navigate accordingly.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

snerg said:


> I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
> I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.


Sexual attraction, for a lot of us humans being of either gender, is a chemical process. For example, I could go to a party and find a man there sexually attractive (as in, my body becomes aroused by his presence) without knowing his name, much less anything else about him. It's a purely automated response and is instant. Either attracted or not. Nothing whatsoever to do with feelings or knowing the person.

DH and I have a thing where we avoid the appearance of impropriety. As in, if a situation could reasonably be seen as compromising, even if it is innocent, then it is to be avoided.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I agree it's about boundaries. When considering this thread, I also thought of vibe.
> 
> It's not something tangible but it's there. Perhaps what I have learned (and still learning) the most for myself is to be acutely aware of this. My personality is extroverted, bit of a social butterfly. As an example with vibe, there was a man at work and minimal interaction was needed but when we did, it was approachable and professional. When passing one another, or if we happened to be in the elevator at the same time, that sneaky vibe could be felt. Whether he felt it too was irrelevant. I was aware of it and that said something to me. There was obviously a draw. I consciously didn't engage as much with him as I would with others.
> 
> ...


What I am learning in this thread is that there is a vibe and a vibe context. That context can be repelling or attractive. I think that's in part explains Lila's and FIP's experiences. It covers mine as well. Where I live now I give off a goofy vibe. I dress differently by wearing aloha wear etc. I am never hit on here. But back home on Oahu my look and therefore my vibe is understood and I am hit on sometimes.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

I've never needed to worry about mate-guarding myself. There's just no way I'd act on any sort of sexual attraction with someone unless I were free to do so -- assuming of course the other person was interested. If I am for whatever reason drawn to someone, I just ignore it, or assume it isn't reciprocated, and business as usual. 

My dreams, though, are a totally different story. It seems that sexual attraction that doesn't get airtime during the day comes out at night, while I'm asleep. But I'm pretty sure it's impossible to mate-guard in one's dreams.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@wild jade explained my thoughts a lot better than I could. 



wild jade said:


> I've never needed to worry about mate-guarding myself.......If I am for whatever reason drawn to someone, I...*assume it isn't reciprocated*, and business as usual.


When I made my earlier post, I honestly didn't think it would garner much attention. I posted it with the intent to explain why the thread topic is so foreign to me, not on a moment of self pity. But I nevertheless appreciate the positive feedback. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your post wasn't taken as self pity.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Your post wasn't taken as self pity.


Second this.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

snerg said:


> I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
> I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.
> 
> But how are you getting to or how are you able to get to a point where you start to develop sexual attraction to somebody?
> ...


I actually experience it the exact opposite way. For me, proximity is more of a turn off than a turn on.

There's a co-worker I have, and when I first met him, he made it into my dreams a couple of times. Since then, though, we've worked together closely, had a few meals together and so on, even drinks, and honestly, he's a nice guy and all, but that's it. When you get to know someone, it becomes harder and harder to idealize them, and you also get to meet some of the unsexy things about them.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

From reading threads on here where affairs have started from married people having online affairs, how could one mate guard their mate on the internet? That is where a lot of cheating seems to be occurring according to the threads I read here. It's also sad when I see married people flirt with others on this very site, most likely, unbeknownst to their spouses. :/ There are threads where I wonder if a married person would say what he/she is saying to someone on here, IRL. It seems that some take the internet as being less offensive, than if they were saying those very same things IRL. The internet has given a lot of married people who aren't really happy but aren't leaving their marriages, a chance to push the line a little with people from the opposite sex (and say things they wouldn't say IRL or with their spouse standing next to them out in public somewhere), and to me, it's wrong...even if it's on the internet. I guess the question should be ...would I be okay with my wife/husband seeing what I'm talking about online with others, and the comments I make to others? If the answer is no, you should ''mate guard'' yourself, and be respectful to your spouse.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I guess I've always subconsciously mate guarded myself. I can't remember ever saying to myself "I better mate guard myself in this situation". I'm just very into my husband so that "availability" vibe has just turned off.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

If I felt the need to mate guard, I'd just drop my man. Trust is key.

I've actually mate guarded in another sense by fending off the advances of married men. It's my way of showing respect for other people's marriages and especially the women who don't know what their husbands are up to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

soccermom2three said:


> I guess I've always subconsciously mate guarded myself. I can't remember ever saying to myself "I better mate guard myself in this situation". I'm just very into my husband so that "availability" vibe has just turned off.


 I feel as you...I can't think of any instance I've felt a strong enough *vibe* that I was dreamy over someone- while I have been attached.... it's just never happened ...I am naturally a huge Romantic, I want to throw myself into WHO I am with... I want ALL that coming back to me.. I have lots to give and I need that outlet so to speak... so long as I'm feeling it back from him.. this keeps me "enthralled" at home, in his arms.. 

I'd have to say the most I have thought out & about is... "Whoa.. that guy is







" ...these thoughts are fleeting...then you move on... or like what I described in my opening post here... just that I ENJOY talking to someone, he has characteristics I like, a sense of humor I enjoy, this is always appealing...but it ends there.... 

"Compatibility speaking" -which covers so many areas, from our love languages, to our vision, how we see life / love, our values, what we enjoy...I cant say I have ever met another who I think would "fit with me" better over my husband, this surely helps curb many things..


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I am very conscious of how I behave and react to the other sex. I would never want someone to think that I am throwing myself at them. I do joke alot and talk to other people but the moment I become aware that it sounds like flirtation and the male is looking at me in a certain way. I quickly mention the H. That usually set things on a even keel again. 

I also, don't place myself in situations that can lead to anything misunderstanding.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I had posted a little about this on another thread...
> 
> The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.
> 
> ...


I did something sort of like this when I was corresponding via email with my now wife while married to my previous wife: I made sure to keep all of my messages strictly business because I was trying to prevent anything untoward from developing.

Obviously that didn't work out as I expected though. :surprise:


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

meson said:


> Basically we need to know our limitations and work around them.


Hmm, I'm not sure that came out exactly as you intended it. >


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

brooklynAnn said:


> I am very conscious of how I behave and react to the other sex. I would never want someone to think that I am throwing myself at them. I do joke alot and talk to other people but the moment I become aware that it sounds like flirtation and the male is looking at me in a certain way. I quickly mention the H. That usually set things on a even keel again.
> 
> I also, don't place myself in situations that can lead to anything misunderstanding.


Very healthy boundaries here.. inserting our spouse in these conversations is "speaking" we are spoken for... this should ward off others from getting the wrong idea, or escalating something... 

They say a person can *love* more than 1 person at the same time (I bet many of these are *infatuation* based though)...and we surely can be physically attracted to COUNTLESS in our lives... One thing I've never completely understood but it's been spoken a # of times, through others experiences.... that even if the intimacy is alive at home, a couple is happy/ even spicy in the bedroom....that even THIS is no guarantee to wield off some co-worker stirrings, for instance....

From what I have seen around me personally...family/ friends , falling for someone else... there was always something a miss/ an emotional void at the very least - that led to getting too close with someone we shouldn't.

Being human ... I can understand those who struggle with "boundary" temptation when our homes are no longer a comforting place, feeling alone even if you're not alone, the dreaded passionless roommate misery, I've heard some describe their marriages like a Prison.. these things need immediate attention [email protected] it's a dangerous place to remain...one can only hold on so long, somethings got to give....

I heard that term "Perfect Storm" 1st on this forum.. Just imagining.. I so agree with that...I feel it could take many down...a charming co-worker suddenly would be seen as a stirring excitement we can't lay down, boundaries lowered... then WHAM.. we're in a "fog"... 

Thoughts... have you felt overwhelming attraction/ strong vibes you had to fight against - EVEN IF things were GOOD at home...is this common?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> They say a person can *love* more than 1 person at the same time (I bet many of these are *infatuation* based though)...and we surely can be physically attracted to COUNTLESS in our lives... One thing I've never completely understood but it's been spoken a # of times, through others experiences.... *that even if the intimacy is alive at home, a couple is happy/ even spicy in the bedroom....that even THIS is no guarantee to wield off some co-worker stirrings, for instance*....
> 
> From what I have seen around me personally...family/ friends , falling for someone else... there was always something a miss/ an emotional void at the very least - that led to getting too close with someone we shouldn't.
> 
> ...


I am one of those people. My marriage was in great shape, the best it had been in years when it happened to me. I was doing a lot of kid activities and that enabled me to get to know one of my wife's friends a lot better. One of my wife's needs is having an engaged father for her kids. My father was not engaged when I was young and I had to learn to be a better father. While doing this I found a lot to emulate from her family and her dedication to her children. Before I knew it I was continually escalating contact and feelings for her grew. 

It was this that brought me to TAM. I knew I loved my wife but yet I also had feelings of love for another. I didn't think this was possible but yet it happened. Fortunately I learned how the chemistry of love works and I figured out what I was doing wrong. I exposed it to my wife and it crushed her for a time but we worked through it. 

My wife saw the relationship from the start and she realized that I had feelings for the OW before I did really. However she also saw that I wasn't cheating. There was nothing hidden and none of the worst parts of an affair were realized.

What I did was to unfaithfully invest emotionally in someone other than my wife to the point where it started to rival my investment towards my wife. The escalation of interaction though still innocent was the cause. Once this was stopped and I limited contact, resigned from a position where I had to deal with the OW regularly and reinvested in my wife the feelings began to diminish. I went through withdrawal that was quite serious and it started a bout of depression.

So yes SA it can happen and I was so very lucky my marriage was in good shape and my wife took notice of what was happening. This is the source of my interests in boundaries and as FW calls them mate guarding. This stuff is really important.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

meson said:


> I am one of those people. My marriage was in great shape, the best it had been in years when it happened to me. I was doing a lot of kid activities and that enabled me to get to know one of my wife's friends a lot better. One of my wife's needs is having an engaged father for her kids. My father was not engaged when I was young and I had to learn to be a better father. While doing this I found a lot to emulate from her family and her dedication to her children. Before I knew it I was continually escalating contact and feelings for her grew.
> 
> It was this that brought me to TAM. I knew I loved my wife but yet I also had feelings of love for another. I didn't think this was possible but yet it happened. Fortunately I learned how the chemistry of love works and I figured out what I was doing wrong. I exposed it to my wife and it crushed her for a time but we worked through it.
> 
> ...


You sound like you have a strong marriage, built on trust and mutual respect, that's a great story!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

meson said:


> I am one of those people. My marriage was in great shape, the best it had been in years when it happened to me. I was doing a lot of kid activities and that enabled me to get to know one of my wife's friends a lot better. One of my wife's needs is having an engaged father for her kids. My father was not engaged when I was young and I had to learn to be a better father. While doing this I found a lot to emulate from her family and her dedication to her children. *Before I knew it I was continually escalating contact and feelings for her grew. *
> 
> It was this that brought me to TAM. I knew I loved my wife but yet I also had feelings of love for another. I didn't think this was possible but yet it happened. Fortunately I learned how the chemistry of love works and I figured out what I was doing wrong. * I exposed it to my wife and it crushed her for a time but we worked through it. *
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing.. so there was a "shift" though... the closer you got to this woman, the less you were thinking about / investing in your wife.. so being happy/ content / fulfilled with 2 women at the same time... is this even possible? Is there something within us that wants to gravitate to ONE specific love interest?

Did you struggle with guilt as these inner feelings were escalating, this slowly stealing your "peace" with your wife ? 

You didn't hide anything... this is HUGE.. this is a Great article explaining "the power" of secrets, this fuels infidelities.. they ALL start here... how you & she handled this likely prevented a divorce or a betrayal that would have been so much harder to get through... with years of trust building following... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html 

I think it's wonderful that you & her COULD be so honest with each other like this...that Yes, it can happen to anyone... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html

... it would still be emotionally CRUSHING to learn this.. just thinking about it... but still, you did the RIGHT THING, she logically weighed the situation...

I do wonder how this affected her relationship with this friend though !! Very sticky !!

My Father ended up marrying my Mothers best friend.. but in this case.. there was a sexless void, a lot of fighting, neither were happy, my mother wasn't in love with him... I'm happy my father found happiness.. my Mother wasn't the ticket for him!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> You sound like you have a strong marriage, built on trust and mutual respect, that's a great story!


Our marriage was a successful failure. We started off very well and the daily doldrums took over. That was the real threat to our marriage. We were fortunate enough to work though and solve our issues. That was the real mate guarding of our marriage. We worked through our problems and worked towards fulfilling each others needs. If it weren't for that way before I ever came to TAM the Onesided EA would have escalated even more until the point of no return was passed. Our working together on and for each other is the ultimate mate guard that enabled us to move through the EA and grow.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Thank you for sharing.. so there was a "shift" though... the closer you got to this woman, the less you were thinking about / investing in your wife.. so being happy/ content / fulfilled with 2 women at the same time... is this even possible? Is there something within us that wants to gravitate to ONE specific love interest?


Love is complicated and a balance. We all love our children, parents and spouses (at least a lot of us love some of the above) at the same time. Love is not exclusive it's a feeling that we have built up that is exercised when we interact with them. Once this is realized it can be recognized that it is possible to love two women/men as your spouse. This is noted in history via religions that allow multiple wifes etc.

Could I do it? No, I don't want to. I made a choice and the choice was my wife. I consciously sought to extinguish the feelings that were there and growing.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Did you struggle with guilt as these inner feelings were escalating, this slowly stealing your "peace" with your wife ?


Extremely. I previously though lovers should be soul mates or like the Highlander, there can only be one. It threw my world into confusion and disarray. 

Once I realized that it was possible to have feelings for one or more at once it became less of a problem. It became more of a decision to invest in what I wanted which was my wife.



SimplyAmorous said:


> You didn't hide anything... this is HUGE.. this is a Great article explaining "the power" of secrets, this fuels infidelities.. they ALL start here... how you & she handled this likely prevented a divorce or a betrayal that would have been so much harder to get through... with years of trust building following...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html
> 
> I think it's wonderful that you & her COULD be so honest with each other like this...that Yes, it can happen to anyone... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


The real problem was that I was keeping secrets from myself. I didn't want to acknowledge the problem for a long time. It was my wife's comments about my girlfriend that really pulled me up to recognize what was happening. 

I eventually told my wife about my feelings but only after I had acknowledged and began to deal with them. So for the months that went by while I worked on myself, I was keeping secrets from my wife. I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be.




SimplyAmorous said:


> ... it would still be emotionally CRUSHING to learn this.. just thinking about it... but still, you did the RIGHT THING, she logically weighed the situation...
> 
> I do wonder how this affected her relationship with this friend though !! Very sticky !!
> 
> My Father ended up marrying my Mothers best friend.. but in this case.. there was a sexless void, a lot of fighting, neither were happy, my mother wasn't in love with him... I'm happy my father found happiness.. my Mother wasn't the ticket for him!


It was crushing. I sucked a little bit of her heart and soul away that evening when I told her. But it was necessary. I needed to tell her so that I had no excuse. There needed to be more transparency and she needed to know why I was going to avoid the OW more. I even confided in her when I was depressed and her reaction was support. Exposure ultimately gave me and her the strength to endure.

At first it did affect the friendship but she realized that her friend did not betray her in anyway and indeed was supportive of our marriage. Actually what my wife confessed was that she was jealous of the time I spent with her was detracting from the time my wife spent with her. I would often be the first to inform the OW about life events and so on. This deprived my wife the fun and friendship she needed from her friend. She always trusted me and I didn't let her down. We are all still friends. I last spoke with the OW on Friday in the company of my wife. 

See, the thing is our marriage was in a good state when the feelings started. There was no vacuum or sexless void and this made all the difference. If we hadn't addressed our issues prior to this I might have been one of the bitter red pill takers who lossed their wives due to the inattention toward the state of the marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

wild jade said:


> I actually experience it the exact opposite way. For me, proximity is more of a turn off than a turn on.
> 
> There's a co-worker I have, and when I first met him, he made it into my dreams a couple of times. Since then, though, we've worked together closely, had a few meals together and so on, even drinks, and honestly, he's a nice guy and all, but that's it. When you get to know someone, it becomes harder and harder to idealize them, and you also get to meet some of the unsexy things about them.


Maybe the key is to get to know everyone really well ha ha. I worked closely with a married male colleague in recent times. We quickly became a considerate team to one another. With trust and assertive communication, we had each others back. When dealing with typically stressful scenarios, it made us a lot more effective. We had a laugh at times and made each other a cuppa tea when that was needed too. He gave a moving speech to farewell me that was humbling. The good rapport was just that - we worked well together. No vibe or attraction, just good people stuff.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lila said:


> @wild jade explained my thoughts a lot better than I could.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So I guess I should shut down that gofundme campaign I had set up for you ??? >


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm pretty extreme in this regard and I am aware of it. 

First, I keep a very large distance between myself and other people 100% of the time. Mental, emotional and physical distance. The only people who breach this distance are my husband and my kids. I am very standoffish and prefer to be left alone and most people do not approach me. Most people believe me to be a b!tch and leave me alone. Thank god!

I am not naturally friendly and therefore do not speak to anyone unless forced to. I go out of my way to avoid conversations with people as a rule. I'm a mega introvert. All conversations I have either include my husband when he's there with me or are of business nature. Such as a business meeting. I do not chit chat with anyone. Most of my coworkers do not know a single thing about my personal life. They don't even know I have kids. I don't even know 2/3rds of their names. 

I do not believe in policing my husband. He can take care of his own boundaries and I trust him. 

All friends we have are mutual and we really only see and speak to them when together. 

I do not and have not ever experienced spontaneous attraction to someone. I need to know someone's heart and soul before I feel attracted to them. I make sure I don't really get to that point with anyone by keeping to myself.


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