# How do you exist in a marriage with NO sex?



## Lost_Husband (Oct 18, 2008)

This question comes to me as I come to the end of ALL attempts. I think that the best description fitting my situation is that NOT having sex becomes a habit. So how then do you exist in a marriage like this? I have tried romance, conversation, issue confrontation, and blunt honesty and still...nothing. My wife and I have one child together with another on the way. I love her very much. Infidelity is not an option and neither is divorce. So how then do I fix this or am I condemned to a life of loyalty and lonliness? I have tried everything that I can think of as a possible resolution but in the end it boils down to...she doesn't want to.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

could it not be the reason, she is pregnant. you hear of men being put of their wives etc when she is pregnant. what about your wife, maybe be pregnant just puts her of. 
when is the baby due?
also some women get fiercely protective over an unborn child. 
i did when i was pregnant. 
even though she might not have been like this on the first pregnancy doesnt mean it wouldnt have an impact on having the second child.
then youve got hormones clashing here and there. 
have you asked her the reason for no sex and have you asked her if things could get back to normal after the baby?


----------



## Lost_Husband (Oct 18, 2008)

I wish that it were that but this problem has existed since long before we got pregnant. We have been married for three years and this has been the norm. We will easily go 6 months with no intamacy.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok, well it begs the question...how did she get pregmant?


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

some women and i know this to be fact. got there man, they know hes a good catch and then they want children. if there is no intimacy in the relationship, she has done it specifically to get pregnant. 
some men are good providers , wont see there child go without etc etc. this is what some women want, that security belt.
to lost husband - its sounds like this is just her nature, if she has always been like it.
what was she like with previous boyfriends - do you know?


----------



## Lost_Husband (Oct 18, 2008)

Well when a man and a woman love eachother.....
How do you think she got pregnant? I said that we will easily go six months, what an amazing possibility that she get knocked up on one of the rare occasions that we are together. If your just here to try and be clever and not helpful then dont waste my time.


----------



## Lost_Husband (Oct 18, 2008)

Justean-

I have though about this and its seems to me to be a very real possibility. I am in the military so there is security there. Guaranteed paycheck, medical, dental, housing.......


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

then your a good (very good ) catch.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I wasn't trying to be funny. 

I was trying to get a handle on the act(s) of intimacy vs the cold shoulder attitude. 

Is her purpose in marrying you just to have kids? And a security blanket? 

I grant there may not be much you can do about it at this point.


----------



## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

Reading your post makes me sad...only because I think I am that woman, and wonder if my own husband has those same feelings of confusion. II love my husband dearly....but there are times I feel like life has past by for months and we just haven't been together. We have been married for 3 years as well and have one child. I think our intamcy turned after I had our child. I just felt different....life changed....I can't explain it. I know he loves me as I do him. I guess I need to know he still wants me like he did when we first met...how he couldn't wait to hear from me or spend the night with me. Or just the way I'd catch him looking at me when we'd be out with friends..Unlike now where things are just constant. I am not sure what the answer is.....


----------



## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

I would guess she is exhausted, and also has a low libido. I am a female in a similar situation. My guy and I have a lousy sex life, but he is a very good person and I would never think of leaving. I am coming to the conclusion that he is exhausted from working physically, at times 70+ hours a week, at the age of 52, along with having a below average libido. 

Start concentrating on all the things you love about your wife. Make sure you have a date night, or day once a week. Love your wife for who she is. Make the time you have with your wife important and memorable.

It may not have a positive effect on your sex life but, you will have a better bond to build on, and a good foundation to work on the issues.

I really wish you luck, I know how frustrating the situation is.


----------



## quizicalfrog (Oct 18, 2008)

I wish I had an answer for you- it would answer my own questions. My husband and I have not had sex in 15 months. He takes care of himself- and says he wants to have sex- but I see no signs of him wanting to. After having my advances thrown in my face many times- I don't even try anymore.


----------



## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

Maybe your wife just needs more romance. Your in a tough spot though with her expecting... Hormones are not to be challenged right now. I know that when we were expecting we didn't have sex for at least 9-10 months. During the pregnancy I was tired and felt the least bit of desirable. Then after having our child I was in total body shock and was completely scared to even be touched intimately again. The last association I had with anything in any of my "hot spots" was complete utter terror and pain. So, the thought of being intimate again was a very fearful. Not that this is any help, and I am not truely qualified to dish advise since I obviously have my own issues...*LOL* But, the very least maybe this is helpful.


----------



## roxiehart (Aug 30, 2008)

Wow coming from the womes point of view you do get use to not having it that it does become a routine. I went for four months without any form of intimacy from my husband. It was like we were just friends no longer husband and wife. I think you are just going to have to keep trying, leave little cards where you know she will get them when your not around. bring her flowers just start courting her agian. THat is what I did to my husband and it finally worked. I know being pregnant and having another kid is hard, but she has to be willing to work with you on this. Have you tried talking to her to find out what the problem is? YOu sound like a great husband maybe she is just dealing with other stuff.


----------



## ginaginagina (Jan 5, 2009)

I dont know if this thread is still of "topic" but I will respond anyway. I have 5 children. Every pregnancy I had no interest in sex. Once that baby was two or three weeks old I was ready to go! I love sex and intimacy with my man and would die without it! 

There is a reason. I am divorced twice and the 2nd hubby I just did not lust for him anymore. It was sad. I still never told him. She just might not be into you. I know it might hurt to hear that. I divorced him cuz I could not give him what he needed. I wanted him to be happy. 

How long will you put up with this?


----------



## tonikessler (Jan 5, 2009)

LostHusband- Are you able to talk to your wife in a non confrontational manner? Perhaps you can suggest after the birth a series of blood to be done checking her horomone levels? It might be something as simple as that. Sex can be such a touchy subject often leading to the blaming game where emotions speak instead of our brains...at least mine do!
My situation was not so much unlike yours however it was my husband who denied me...we went 7 months without sex, this went on for over 3 years.
We are now back to acting like a newly married couple...just celebrated 19 years. There is hope if you truely love someone


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

A couple of serious questions.

Does she take any medications?
Many meds can have a horrible effect on a womens sex drive...

How is her self-image?
My wife struggles with this, and she is a very beautiful and sexy woman. But when she is not feeling good about herself, she will not have any sex drive to speak of. 

Does she have anxiety or depression problems?
Both are very common on varying levels, and both have lack of sex drive as a side-effect.

Much of this could just be developed... some could be the result of hormones, pregnancy, post pregnancy, etc.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Lost Husband. I feel for you. I know how you feel, and the reason I know this is because my husband does the same thing to me that your wife is doing to you. This can make a person feel totally worthless as a human being. I know this sounds profound, but when one is in a marriage, and their spouse doesn't desire them at all, it plays a horrible mind game with that person. You feel lonely, neglected, ugly, worthless, and then a feeling of total dispair, that the person you love so much, doesn't want anything to do with you in a romantic way. Sex is a very important part of a marriage. And although there are other things in a marriage to base a lifelong love on, if there is no intimacy, you begin to feel as a person slighted, and pushed aside, not desired, and then comes the resentment, the anger, and lack of intimacy in every form. When your partner shows no interest in you, it makes you feel like a non-human, an empty shell. 

My hubby is ten years older than me, which is fine, actually better in terms of personalities, as I found men in their thirties to be too immature for me, No offense guys! We had a great sex life in the beginning, although I must admit I was usually the one to initiate, with him initiating occasionally. But once I got pregnant, and started to show, I gained a LOT of weight, had way too much amniotic fluid , so my belly was huge and distended. After that, he just cut me off like I was some kind of monster, at least, that's how it felt to me. He tried to avoid me, when naked, didn't show any interest in me. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I know some men just aren't attracted to pregnant women. He is Very loving, kind, and has so many wonderful qualities. And he would never admit that my pregnant state turned him off because he'd never hurt me like that. But it was pretty obvious. 
At any rate, our baby is now getting close to two years old, and we still don't have sex very often. Only when we argue about it, and I bring it up after weeks of no intimacy, then we do, but it almost feels to me like pity sex, and that is so humiliating for me. And so after two and a half years of no intimacy , sex, romance, closeness, etc.... I am at my wits end. I do love him dearly, and the confusing thing is, we get along great, we are best buddies, best friends.... but that's all it is. No husband/wife type love, just friends. He claims to love me, he says he's still in love with me, but yet, wants nothing to do with me. It is so hurtful I do cry quite often. Now, having said all this, the thing about my hubby is that he is fairly shallow when it comes to looks, I hate to admit that. I have not been able to lose all my baby weight, and have been quite ill sometimes, and have a herniated disc in my cervical spine, so excersizing is difficult right now. I am by no means fat, about a size 8/10, but I'm pleasantly plump. I feel like he hates the way I look. I cant' figure out if it's my body, or if it's his testosterone that is keeping us from loving each other physcially.... He doesn't have the best T levels, given that he is 44 years old now. but he doesn't make an effort to go to the doc and do anything about it either. 

So anyway, Lost Husband, that's my story in a nutshell, I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who feel the same way. Your wife most likely loves you very dearly. Could it be a hormone issue? Like even when she's not pregnant, her levels of estrogen/progesterone and testosterone (yes women do have this hormone) are slightly off? Well, she probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant so easily if that were true. The best advice I can give, is talk to her, tell her you're fading, into your own place of lonliness and darkness because she is neglecting your life together and man and wife. I hope this can be resolved, on my end and yours, because I just know, that I can't live like this forever, and I don't want this to destroy the love my husband and I have for each other. But resentment and hurt, and the devastation that comes with your spouse not being interested in you, can do some serious damage to a marriage. Maybe she has a psychological issue in her past that is preventing her from seeing sex between a man and wife as good and pure, and for the purpose of pleasure and not just procreation? I don't know... I am so sorry you have to feel alone like this. I know what boat you're in..... good luck, and God bless


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

There are so many possibilities:

1. She could have very low libido. There are medical reasons for that as well as psychological. But she would have to be willing to want to change it and see a professional to help her. Does she masturbate? If she does not, then it must be some physiological problem because even women need that release. If she is masturbating, then her libido is likey ok and it's something else.

2. Maybe you are not that good in bed? I know this would be a really tough one to contemplate honestly, but I'm serious. If you aren't giving her orgasms the times when sex does occur, then why would she have any incentive to come back for more?


----------

