# Closure



## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

My story is on this forum in several places, but the short of it is, my marriage went sour, wife had an affair (she says emotional, I suspect emotional AND physical) with two different men and we separated. It's been about 16 months. We tried to reconnect back in May, and things were going well until late October when we she told me she needed to take some time to herself. With that, she broke contact with me, only communicating with me about our daughter, and even then, in a cold, businesslike manner each time.

Finally, this morning, we met so I could give her money for my daughter's doctor appt, and asked what happened with us. I mean, we were making plans to get divorced, and then remarried if things continued to work out. We vacationed in Myrtle Beach and loved it so much we began planning to move there and just start over and rebuild from zero.

So, after revealing she was still seeing one of the guys she cheated on me with, she said she didn't think I was the man for her. She felt we had drifted too far apart during our marriage and and she didn't want to save it. 

After 15 years with this woman, to hear that she didn't want to try to save our marriage was hurtful. Even though our attempt to reconnect ended so abruptly, I still held out hope that we might try again with more success later down the line.

But she has chosen him over me. She told me she doesn't love me anymore. All that talk about needing time to herself was bs, as I knew it was. She's on Facebook and she doesn't use her married name. I can only imagine what that is going to lead to, if I believe what I've heard about single FB users and their intentions with it.

On my end, I am saddened and hurt but at the same time, at least now I finally have an answer. And at least now, I know that maybe this is for the best. I was a good man, and an even better father. During our "trying again" period, she remarked often how much better I was as a person and a man that she felt she could connect with. But then shen just ended it. So, do I really want to be with someone who can do that? Who can't invest in a marriage, a commitment, a family? Do I really want a lying, cheating spouse, someone who can cut off their feelings for me on a whim? 

My brain says, "of course not!", but my heart says, "errrrrrr... yes?" 

Hell guys, I loved this woman. I can't just fall out of love as easily as she is able to. 15 years. Most of them happy. A beautiful daughter. How could you throw that all away? I was never abusive, never held her from going or doing anything she wanted, supported her through her financial difficulties and even when I found out about the cheating and all, I remained civil. I held off getting a divorce all this time because I thought there might be a chance for us. But there isn't. It's over.

I have closure. But I sure don't feel any better for it.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel you and I am sorry for what you are going through. It's very difficult. I hope that you will be able to have a brighter future. Hang in there.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Best of luck moving on. She clearly was playing both sides and chose the other guy. I'm sorry for your pain and wish you the best.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Nobody deserves that, I'm sorry for what you're going through and wish you the best...like all the crap life deals to you, you'll get past this in time and hopefully be in a better place.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Thanks, everyone.

After she told me she didn't think I was the man for her, I asked her if she would stop treating me so coldly and that maybe we could be friends, and maybe try again later if we haven't moved on.

She said we could be friends, no touching, no kissing, just an occasional "hey how are you" text or email. And that she had already moved on. She said we will never have the relationship we had. She doesn't want to be my wife. She's not feeling my "swagger".

Seriously? God, she is so full of contradictions. One minute she loves my "swagger", the next she's not feeling it. One minute she wants more of my attention, the next she feels I'm smothering her. One minute, none of her "friends" were as good as me, the next, she dumps me for them (though she claims she didn't just dump me to be with them, but she's still seeing them, and not me, so it's simple math).

I'm just so hurt. I cry at night. I have trouble sleeping. I'm always sad. I'm always feeling inadequate. I'm envious of others' relationships.

She's made her choice; why doesn't she just divorce me? Why is she waiting for me to do it? She said all she wants out of the divorce is to be kept on my medical coverage and to take care of our daughter (like she really had to ask). All I want.. is her back. 

When will I stop feeling this way? Don't I deserve better?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

There is no way around the pain, only through it. You need to work on you. You need to develope other friends and interests. You need to date and get your swagger back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Did you ever get to the ANGRY part in that 16 months? If you have solely remained focused on reconciling, then you are now only starting the process of accepting it's actually over.

You need to align your thinking to it's being over.
You need to act like it's over.
You are helping yourself with closure if you start to conciously acknowledge how deep, cruel, damaging and selfish the lies were that she told you. Hell she never stopped lying. And you _still_ want to be with her? Given that you obviously have no self-respect, why would she want to be with _you_?

I DO want you to personalize those last sentences. If you can be honest with yourself about the choices she made - ultimately, you would not choose her again.


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