# Help Getting Started



## maplesky

I'm not sure what the title of this post should be. What I know is that I have to rebuild my life now. My husband and I are separated, and I don't know what the future holds. What I do know is that I need to sort out my beliefs. 

Prayer is the only thing that has helped me through these past two months. At the same time, this was a selfish act because I really wasn't praying before that. I find God when times are tough. It turns out my husband (and likely others but they haven't said as much), feel I am a selfish person. So it would seem I have been selfish with God and selfish with people. I seem to be able to be kind to animals and to less fortunate people, but I seem to be very critical of people on the whole. I'm not sure why, but I would like this to change. I would like to focus my energy in positive ways.

I'm looking at this as a good opportunity to work from the ground up: to work on being a good person who has a strong belief system. I don't believe it is too late although this is a very late start. And I do wish to share the same beliefs as my husband and for us to reconnect having that in common, but that is a total unknown. I don't know if he'll ever want me back in his life. But I really need to do this because it is time. 

I was not raised to believe in God and I never went to church as a kid. I have been to church few times in my life, but perhaps no more than 10 services in a lifetime. I'm not sure which Bible to get to start, or what kind of a church to attend. The only thing I can think of is to go to the church that my husband had started going to just before he left. 

I feel really lost when it comes to this, so any suggestions on how to get started would be great. Also, suggestions on how to not feel weird about exploring Christianity. I realize that there are some people of strong faith on the board, so please don't take offense to my wording in any of this. 

The truth is that I thought I was Christian when I met my husband, but it was new to me back then. Prior to meeting him, I had gone through a divorce and made the decision to accept Christ as my savior. But I didn't do a lot of Bible study and didn't attend church. Once with my second and current husband, I got to a point where I felt uncomfortable for a few reasons. I started gravitating towards Buddhism at the time. 

I'm not sure where my incertitude comes from, but I think it boils down to the fact that half my family is very religious and the other half is exactly the opposite. My father attended Bible College then went through a couple of decades where he didn't believe. When he found God again, he went to every church imaginable. He spends a lot of time researching the end of days. My mother is an atheist and a good majority of that side of the family either does not believe or has a different kind of belief system. I should note that my current husband was always very good in supporting me to grow at my own pace. He never once judged me or pushed me into anything. And for that I am eternally grateful. 

At the end of the day, I feel alone. I don't have anyone in my life I would call a close friend, save my husband and my mother. I moved so much during my 20s and early 30s that friends became distant friends who became acquaintances. I'm shy, too, so I have a hard time wanting to initiate things. Also, I am an introvert and really appreciate my alone time. The people I work with are nice and I have a few acquaintances I can go out with occasionally... 

... but I'm looking at my separation and the state of my life and I know something needs to change in a big way. And if there's any foundation for doing it, it should be a spiritual one. I'm receptive to making changes in my spiritual life now and I want to be a better person. I do not want to die alone, but instead in the company of loving family and friends. I want to have peace in knowing what happens after death. I want to be able to do some good in my remaining years. I want to be known as a kind person. So any suggestions on how to get started would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you!


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## Affaircare

I am going to think about this a little before I reply, but I wanted to share this with you while I think. I just read this Psalm today, and I thought maybe you would understand how the psalmist was feeling:

*Psalm 142 (New King James Version)*

_A Contemplation of David. A Prayer when he was in the cave.
_
1 I cry out to the LORD with my voice;
With my voice to the LORD I make my supplication.
2 I pour out my complaint before Him;
I declare before Him my trouble. 

3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
Then You knew my path. 
In the way in which I walk 
They have secretly set a snare for me.
4 Look on my right hand and see,
For there is no one who acknowledges me; 
Refuge has failed me; 
No one cares for my soul. 

5 I cried out to You, O LORD:
I said, “You are my refuge, 
My portion in the land of the living.
6 Attend to my cry,
For I am brought very low; 
Deliver me from my persecutors, 
For they are stronger than I.
7 Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise Your name; 
The righteous shall surround me, 
For You shall deal bountifully with me.


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## 827Aug

Wow! What a nice post. And I could really relate to it. In fact, many parts of it described where I was at more than two years ago. It made me realize just how far I've come since then. Before 2005 I had been blessed with so many things in life, and I just took everything for granted. Now that most things have been taken from me, my faith has grown so much stronger. My faith is the one thing no one can take from me.

But, I honestly don't know how to tell someone how to get started. Perhaps, ask God to direct you. I prayed for direction, and I was led to people/things that could help. For example, the first thing which happened on my quest was to locate a new therapist. Something just clicked instantly with her. She did hypnotherapy and taught me how to meditate. In addition, she had very strong Christian beliefs. Yet, she was very open minded and even liked to explore New Age theories. Next, while in a book store, the perfect book (for me) fell off of the shelf and landed at my feet. Oh, and as for the church aspect, I got up one Sunday morning and went to a church in a nearby town. Something "pulled" me there. Then, when I got in there a very dear friend from high school was there to greet me with open arms. And so the story continues.....

I don't know how to pick a denomination. Perhaps visit churches and figure out where you are most comfortable. I absolutely love the church I go to now. The minister is always upbeat and positive. In addition, politics are never discussed. Thankfully we never have any of those "fire and brimstone" sermons. A small church would probably be a good place to start, since you hope to make friends. 

There's a book a friend had me to read back in the winter which you may find helpful at this point. It is titled "The Magnificent Obsession" by Anne Graham Lotz.

Hopefully other forum members will have suggestions for you as well. Good luck finding your way!


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## cb45

hi maplesky and welcome.
(can i call u sky for short?) what an honest posting you presented here. i like the way u open up & reflect on yer past, what yer thinking, and where yer faith is at presently.
i hope u dont mind if anything i write aims to be just as honest as u were/are.

its ok to be searching. its ok to feel uncertain. its ok even to measure up buddism vs. Christianity too.

you mention prayer as selfish, as in u only pray when u need help from God. yer not alone in this habit. we all fail it as we get caught up in our ruts, or our good times, and dont remember to PRAISE him for all he has done, and will do in our lives. But as far as prayer goes, pray incessantly, and dont worry about it being too selfish. God will let u know when u r being selfish in anything.

u didnt mention what the exact problem(s) were w/ yer H.
what were they sky?

did u used to pray w/ him? never? sometimes? often?
always? church....same questions. he religious?

but heres the main pt i wanted to explore w/ u. its ok that u call on God for help so often in your dilemnas. but if i read btwn the lines right, u seem to have some guilt over not following up w/ him after the crisis is over, yes?

if so thats ok too, God knows how "lazy" we are, as well as ungrateful, forgetful, preoccupied, etc. he wants u to know or recognize this, and do something about it, as in show him some love/praise more often than "once in a blue moon" or "oops Father, i'm in big trouble again can u help me?" listen to this:
YouTube - Sara Groves- How is it between us

u digg what i'm trying to say?(w/ alittle help from sarah G)

as for church n stuff like that, i have mixed feelings on that.
again, u dont wanna just use church, your H, or anyone any more than u wanna "use" God per se. i mean of course one should go to church when they're hurting or in need, but just like i explained in an earlier paragraph, u dont wanna go, get healed/better, and then promptly fall off again w/out conciously trying hard not to repeat this pattern over n over n over again.
this pt may tie in somewhat w/ what u meant by selfishness, not sure.

not that we all dont do it in some shape or form sky. but be vigilant, be focused on it, and u'll find yerself recognizing it immediately and do something (forgiveness prayers etc) about it thereby keeping u on track. this advice is just as good for me as well, sky.

when u find that church, (and i know u will) be sure to get involved w/ that ladies grp, or bible study grp and u'll make new friends who'll help u thru these times w/ yer separation.

ray:-----------------------------------------:round:


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## maplesky

Affaircare said:


> I am going to think about this a little before I reply, but I wanted to share this with you while I think. I just read this Psalm today, and I thought maybe you would understand how the psalmist was feeling:


Thank you for sharing this. Yes(!), I could absolutely relate to this although I'm slowly coming to remember and appreciate daily those good people in my life who do care about me, and I them. This is taking some reprogramming and I'm not in the habit of praying for others or thinking to put others first. I am ashamed of this because I know my husband did and does pray for me. This is something I hope to change because it seems like this is part of the key. In looking at David's prayer, I get that I am not alone (well, I'm not comparing my situation to his by any means) and I get that others are going through rough times, too.

I could also relate to Psalm 142 because I was holed up in a cave of my own yesterday. I just didn't want to go outside despite the lovely weather. Prior to that, I had been trying to follow a little routine on weekends, but instead I chose to stay home alone and not distract myself with activity. Being alone with my feelings of sadness and loneliness make for hard days, but it brought me to post here and I'm really grateful I did. I have a hard time reaching out sometimes, mostly because I'm afraid of getting burned or afraid of being seen as weak or I think I should figure it out on my own or I just don't want to bother people with stuff, so I'm really grateful the world is still a pretty cool place where you can log on to a discussion forum and find yourself surrounded by strangers who are willing to help!


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## maplesky

827Aug said:


> But, I honestly don't know how to tell someone how to get started. Perhaps, ask God to direct you. I prayed for direction, and I was led to people/things that could help. For example, the first thing which happened on my quest was to locate a new therapist. Something just clicked instantly with her. She did hypnotherapy and taught me how to meditate. In addition, she had very strong Christian beliefs. Yet, she was very open minded and even liked to explore New Age theories. Next, while in a book store, the perfect book (for me) fell off of the shelf and landed at my feet. Oh, and as for the church aspect, I got up one Sunday morning and went to a church in a nearby town. Something "pulled" me there. Then, when I got in there a very dear friend from high school was there to greet me with open arms. And so the story continues.....


Thank you for sharing your story! This is very neat and I think it makes a lot of sense. I tend to try to plan everything out and make things happen. I'm unclear on the concept of Free Will and how it factors in here. I know that I need to try to do the best I can do in all areas. At the same time, I can't control anything but what I do... I figure someone else needs to orchestrate the chance happenings you speak of. Maybe next Sunday I'll attend the little church down the road that my husband had gone to. He seemed to like it there and I'd like to experience why. 



> I don't know how to pick a denomination. Perhaps visit churches and figure out where you are most comfortable. I absolutely love the church I go to now. The minister is always upbeat and positive. In addition, politics are never discussed. Thankfully we never have any of those "fire and brimstone" sermons. A small church would probably be a good place to start, since you hope to make friends.


This is difficult for me for sure. I have grandparents that are Baptist and a grandmother is Anglican (she is 90 and still attends service when she can!). And I used to visit a very beautiful basilica to marvel at the glass windows. When I traveled to Central America, I was transfixed by the candles and altars. For some reason, the Catholic tradition resonates with me just in terms of overall feel. At the same time, all the ritual could be a distraction for me. Is it odd that I'm thinking in terms of Protestant or Catholic? 

Thank you for the suggestion to find a small church. This is a very good idea. I think having friends of a common faith will be really important.



> There's a book a friend had me to read back in the winter which you may find helpful at this point. It is titled "The Magnificent Obsession" by Anne Graham Lotz.


Thank you for the suggestion. I'll check this out, for sure. And thank you for sharing your story as well. Your story gives me hope that it is possible to turn things around. Because I'm emotionally fragile right now being two months into my separation, I think little simple steps are what is needed. I didn't feel strong enough to actively work on this until now.


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## maplesky

cb45 said:


> hi maplesky and welcome.
> (can i call u sky for short?)


Thank you, and sure "sky" is just fine. 

... the reason for the maple is that there is a maple tree out the window that had orange leaves when my husband left (they come in orange in the spring then change to green in the summer). I shared with him that I didn't want to watch the leaves change to green alone, but that is what ended up happening. I think of him when I look up at the sky through the green leaves. It's sunny today, so they almost look yellow.



> what an honest posting you presented here. i like the way u open up & reflect on yer past, what yer thinking, and where yer faith is at presently.
> i hope u dont mind if anything i write aims to be just as honest as u were/are.


I need to be honest about this. I feel like I'm having a hard time unwrapping all the layers of stories (told to myself and told to me by others) about life, me, my marriage, everything. So it makes sense to start at the core and be as honest about that as possible then everything else will start to make sense. I don't want to offend anyone in doing this and I appreciate you wishing to be honest and sensitive as well. 



> you mention prayer as selfish, as in u only pray when u need help from God. yer not alone in this habit. we all fail it as we get caught up in our ruts, or our good times, and dont remember to PRAISE him for all he has done, and will do in our lives. But as far as prayer goes, pray incessantly, and dont worry about it being too selfish. God will let u know when u r being selfish in anything.


Thank you for sharing this. My counselor also said the same thing. This helps a lot. My prayer practice is also selfish because it has mostly only been about me. I'd like this to change. And I would like to praise God and others in my life. 



> u didnt mention what the exact problem(s) were w/ yer H.
> what were they sky?


My best current assessment (and I am sorry, because this changes daily almost as I learn more about my role in this and I'm able to see things differently) is that we fell deeply in love (we met online) and married quickly. We came from two different worlds... two different countries, two different upbringings (faith in particular), and two different ways of seeing marriage. And we were both newly divorced (both of us within 1.5 years). 

We knew we rushed into things, but we both wanted to be together. I will add that I felt like I was on a timeline as I wanted to have children; he later shared that although it was a joint decision for him to move to join me when he did, he felt a little pressure to move up to be with me because of my age (I am 4 years older than he is and I was in my early 30s at the time) and desire to have kids. When he moved, he gave up the beginnings of a new life he was trying to make for himself on the heels of his divorce. He put his first wife and marriage first... he gave up a few dreams to do that, and was pursuing them when I met him. He is now pursuing them again now that he is back home.

At the time we thought we shared faith in common, but I wavered as I said. We did want children, but had difficulty conceiving. We were both living in a province where we had no friends or family. And for some time, I was the only one working as he went through the process of gaining permanent resident status. There were challenges of loneliness on both sides. 

To complicate things further, I was (and am... I feel like an addict who will forever be recovering) a non-trusting and judgmental person, and that caused challenges in our marriage. It sometimes meant I was jealous. It sometimes meant I was mean. It sometimes meant there were days I was grateful for the distance that separated us from loved ones because with that comes certain obligations. And I was incredibly stressed out by life with having divorced, moved to a new province, taken on a new job, getting seconded two months into my new job, having my husband join me, trying to be everything I knew he needed... but he and I wanted to move from there and our location was only supposed to be temporary. And it felt like the longer we were there together the harder it would be to leave. We both knew this. 

In the winter of 2009 I started running a lot. Since then I have raced three full marathons and three half marathons. My husband shared that he felt like I let running and the running lifestyle become the most important thing. He wanted to work on things last year and I didn't hear him. I wanted to work on things when I knew he would go, and it was too late. He left and he is happy with where he is now.

I'm now gaining perspective, though. With running, I haven't run for the past 6 days... in part because I'm injured, but in part because I don't feel like hurting myself anymore. I might run today, but I won't run 30km... maybe just 10 or something. And I don't feel I need to race anymore or do X number of marathons in a year. Also, and mostly importantly, I'm seeing that what I really need is to work on my faith. This is goal one. From there I hope it touches my relationships with others, including my husband of course. And if God still wants me to keep running or to use that to some sort of good, that might be nice as well. 

At the end of the day, I know I was selfish. My husband shared this is what he thought about me. He also shared that we likely had different expectations for the marriage from day one. I'll agree with this. I think we could have benefited from pre-marriage counseling. This is not to say that I think we made a mistake. I love my husband and I would be very willing to see a counselor now.



> did u used to pray w/ him? never? sometimes? often?
> always? church....same questions. he religious?


We did a few times and that was really nice. We went to church together a few times as well, but the two Anglican churches we went to weren't really right. Then the United church wasn't either (too much PowerPoint!). My husband was raised Baptist in a small community in the US. I don't know if that is different from the Baptist churches here. I got the sense from him that it was. Anyhow, my husband's faith is strong but, like I said, he never forced it on me. 



> but heres the main pt i wanted to explore w/ u. its ok that u call on God for help so often in your dilemnas. but if i read btwn the lines right, u seem to have some guilt over not following up w/ him after the crisis is over, yes?


Yes, a lot of guilt. The first time I had called on God was in my early 20s when I felt really alone. The second time I called on God was during my first divorce. The third time I called on him is now. I don't want to be like that. When the crisis is over, I tend to let things go. And even when there is a crisis, the prayer is really only ever about me. Not good!



> as for church n stuff like that, i have mixed feelings on that.
> again, u dont wanna just use church, your H, or anyone any more than u wanna "use" God per se. i mean of course one should go to church when they're hurting or in need, but just like i explained in an earlier paragraph, u dont wanna go, get healed/better, and then promptly fall off again w/out conciously trying hard not to repeat this pattern over n over n over again.
> this pt may tie in somewhat w/ what u meant by selfishness, not sure.


This is an interesting point. I think you're right about this: just starting by having regular prayer is probably a really good idea. Stupid question maybe but do people generally pray a certain way? By starting off giving thanks? If I have a little structure for praying, maybe that might help to get into the regular practice?



> when u find that church, (and i know u will) be sure to get involved w/ that ladies grp, or bible study grp and u'll make new friends who'll help u thru these times w/ yer separation.


Thank you... this sounds really nice as I read this.


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## cb45

re: yer Q, sky.......

everyone has their own opinions/style perhaps re: how to pray.

first n foremost is how Jesus taught us to pray, style & content wise. not just a rote, remote litany to perform (on sundays especially).

as humans we tend to imitate alot of what we see/hear/read.
i'd say be yerself when u pray. dont be afraid to change it up if u feel like it, or more importantly, feel u r being led to change it up by the one, the only, Holy Spirit who teaches n guides us.
for there r times i hear folks start out with the same words, delivery etc, and sound sort of insencere, robotic, or almost yawn-yawn-yawn obligatory :sleeping: if u know what i mean.

me? (glad u asked......:lol i try to remember God represents many things/positions/people in my life. HE is father, friend, King, Savior, teacher, task master, judge, etc. So i talk/pray to him in this way, depending on the subject matter at hand. i am sure God even listens to people w/ limited understanding
of what they r, or should be doing when they pray.

yes we r to give reverence to God, moreso than we prob do.
but i think God is capable of handling folks who can only pray
in a "keepin it real" type scenario in their bathroom, their car, wherever/etc. 

so again. be yourself. i know the Holy Spirit can
prompt u, just like anyone else on the hows whens whats n whys of prayer life. shalom.

ray:------------------------------------------:smnotworthy:


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## maplesky

Thanks for your thoughts on prayer, cb45. I think I'm going to start with a bit of a routine (same time a day before bed, with however other many prayers throughout the day) so that I can form a habit... 

Thanks also for your thoughts on how you see God as representing many things in your life. I think I'd feel a lot lighter unloading some of those roles that I have been taking on all at once. Maybe I thought I could change the world? :scratchhead:


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## maplesky

Quick update... I bought a Bible (King James Version) and find it difficult to read. It's not the language that is the challenge; it's knowing how to interpret what is written. 

In his last email, my husband suggested I read 1 Corinthians 14:33-36. I won't get into why as it is there is a bit of a story there, but I will use this as an example of something that I struggle to understand. In fact, I have a very strong emotional and intellectual reaction to reading this. I tried reading all of the preceding pages to try to contextualize it, but I this did not help me to understand it any better. I asked someone at work and looked on various websites, but it seems there is a lot of discussion about this passage there, too. Someone suggested to me getting a Study Bible, but again I'm not sure where to start.

Mostly, I have just been praying. I haven't yet gone to church. Something is getting in the way. In my own defense, I do find it challenging getting out of bed these days. Yet I want to move forward in all of this because I know it is really important to the new life that I'm going to live. I just don't feel like I'm living all that much these days, but I know that faith is where I need to start and that if I start giving back to others maybe through volunteering or something that I can start to be deserving of better things.


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## PreludeCkN

Honestly for me the real change came when I fell down on my knees and I asked God to forgive me and guide me. After that, I felt God in me, and He has comfort me. God has let me know that I must pray for my prodigal, my H. God has let me know that He will bring my H back, when? I dont know, but I have faith in God. You might ask how God has spoken to me, and He did this by me reading His scriptures, going to church, thru sermons, thru people. As I seek a personal relationship with God I find it that I want more of him, the more I need of him, the more I pray, the more I talk to Him. God has answered my prayers by bringing my H closer to me. My husband sees my change and he tells me that he would like to know God as well. However, just like you something is stopping him, and he says that he will take baby steps. But I know that God has been trying to reach him even before we separated. I feel that this separation was a wake up call so that we both can closer to God. 

I guess I just want to let you know that restoration is possible. You just have to trust in God, remember that we walk by faith, not by sight. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, if you seek God He will hear you. Seek Him with all your heart. Talk to Him, tell Him how you feel. Believe me He does listen. You will see His hand at work, as much as I have see His hand at work in my own life. 

In the beginning of our separation my husband treated me like a stranger, and now he calls me to "hang out." He tells me that he loves me as a friend, and while that breaks my heart to hear, I know that even this is temporary. I know that God is touching his heart. I mean why else would he call me? He still asks me for advice, we go shopping, we go out to eat, he still talks to me just like before. Why? Why hasn't he filed for divorce? He hasn't even mention anything like that at all. My answer to all of this is God. God is touching my H heart, but my H doesn't know it. A couple of weeks ago, my H told, "I dont want to lead you on...." and I said to myself, "no you're not leading me on, but God is. I have invited my H to church, and I told him that I am praying for him, I am praying so that the scales can fall off his eyes, I am praying so that the Holy Spirit can guide him in the righteous path to God. Believe me, God is touching him.

God too, can make wonders in your life MS if you seek Him, He is waiting for you. He has always been there, we just don't look up. I will be praying for you as well. So that God can save you, as well as my H. 

As far as reading the Bible, when you have the Holy Spirit within you, you will understand what the scripture says, there are no hidden meanings. Go to church, talk to pastors, they might be able to help you. Seek Him. 

God Bless you!


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