# Some advice requested from Dads



## supercharger (Mar 9, 2013)

Hey all,
I created an account here to see some others' insight to my problem. 

My girlfriend and I have a 7 month old son. I am currently attending college fulltime to get a better career to support us. I also work any time I can around this schedule. With this kind of schedule, I am not home often. I get up most days around 8:30 or 9am and get home 9:30-10:30pm or later. After getting home, taking a shower, and eating dinner I don't get to bed until after 1am. Usually on the weekends I will watch the baby so she can sleep in. However, lately, she has been waking me up to watch the baby in the early mornings during the workweek and then I am royally screwed for the rest of the day. She doesn't work or attend school and stays home with the baby.

I feel too much is being expected of me to do this 13+ hr day to also get up on 6 hours of sleep and watch the baby as well. My commute is about 30 mins each day through a twisty mountain pass and I don't like being groggy for such a treacherous road. I thought this was just going to be a temporary thing, ( she was sick for a week ) but it has become a habit and I am seriously taxing sleep debt. I also can't focus for my tests and it seems pointless to be taking classes if I am not going to get a score I need.

What's the best way to approach this? I know caring for the baby is a massive undertaking but I can't be there to do everything. I have mentioned I need more sleep before and she seems to dismiss the seriousness of my getting less than 6 hours a night. I miss spending time with my son but I feel I am doing this to better our future.

Thanks.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Is your son colic? If not,your girlfriend should be napping when the baby does. It is too much to ask of you to come home after school and work to get up early to take care of your son. I can understand once in a while but not everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

We had 4 children Her job was the babys my job was to protect and serve i.e. earn a living take care of the home to keep everything functional.Your job right now is educating yourself so that you cna do the best for your family.
What about a marrage commitment she may think in a different view. You must sleep to function at yor highest level


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm not a dad but I've got 4 young children so I'll chime in...

My primary thought is, is she having any kind of difficulty looking after the baby? By that I mean anything from feeling low, to a baby that doesn't sleep, or maybe the baby doesn't nap all day, or cries a lot?

I'd address this first before going any further. If this is the case then it might be that she's finding it hard coping with the baby so much on her own. It's a long day for you, certainly, but also remember it's a long day for her alone with a baby if that is the case.

In that case, it would be a great idea to see how you can support her with that. I'd be thinking things like, can a grandparent come round during the day and help out? Does she know where the local playgroups are? Does she have mummy friends she can meet up with for a cuppa whilst the babies play?

If not, or once you've done that, then address the getting up. I'd emphasise being more than happy to help with mornings at the weekend, but during the week you NEED her to be doing that to support YOU. Say what you said about being too tired to study or concentrate and how much you want to work TOGETHER so you all can have a great future with you supporting her and baby as a product of these studies.


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## supercharger (Mar 9, 2013)

*Re: Re: Some advice requested from Dads*



just got it 55 said:


> What about a marrage commitment she may think in a different view. You must sleep to function at yor highest level


We have talked about marriage but I want to wait until I'm out of school. Plus we get a better tax break and she gets benefits not being married (i.e. medical for the baby and her).








richie33 said:


> Is your son colic? If not,your girlfriend should be napping when the baby does. It is too much to ask of you to come home after school and work to get up early to take care of your son. I can understand once in a while but not everyday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is pretty easy going for me but babies "have their days". I do not think he is colic. He is however very advanced for his age, he is standing, walking with assistance, crawling and etc.. 








tobio said:


> I'm not a dad but I've got 4 young children so I'll chime in...
> 
> My primary thought is, is she having any kind of difficulty looking after the baby? By that I mean anything from feeling low, to a baby that doesn't sleep, or maybe the baby doesn't nap all day, or cries a lot?
> 
> ...


We don't have any relatives nearby that can watch him. There's a park a block from here but she won't go without me. She needs to get connected with some other mothers, I think that may help. I guess I just need to reinforce my requirements and stop sacrificing myself. Thanks for the insight, sometimes it helps to get advice from an outside source.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just thought it might be good for you to hear from a woman’s perspective.

Is your gf having any kind of depression right now? You need to rule that out.

The two of you need to negotiate this. She has to take as much responsibility for the baby as she can. Your schedule is way too full. If you need to go to MC to get 3rd party input then do it.

The general rule of thumb is that both partners should ‘work’ the same number of hours a day at their job. Your job is school and working. Her job is the home and child care. But once you are both home together, any house work, chores and child care left over is split 50/50.

The problem you have is that you are gone so many hours that you are not getting enough sleep. Nor do you have the time/energy to give your gf and baby what they need from you.

To maintain the passion and feelings of love in the relationship a couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together doing things that they both enjoy. This means just the two of you. No watching TV but doing things where you talk to each other, focusing on each other. 

Usually couples get this as an hour or two every evening after the children go to sleep and on the weekend. You don’t have time for this. Your relationship is going to fall part. I think you are seeing the start of this. 

You are exhausted. She feels abandoned and like she has not partner and no help. How much time does your wife get to herself? How much time does she get with other adults? Is she stuck in the house with a baby all day, every day?

Is there anything you can do to reduce the length of your day? Could you get financial aid to help with income so you don’t have to work so much? Could you reduce the number of classes you take each semester? How soon will you be graduating?

The two of you would benefit from the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. If you both read them and work through them you will have to tools to structure your relationship/family in a much healthier way…. Healthier for both of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

supercharger said:


> We don't have any relatives nearby that can watch him. There's a park a block from here but she won't go without me. She needs to get connected with some other mothers, I think that may help. I guess I just need to reinforce my requirements and stop sacrificing myself. Thanks for the insight, sometimes it helps to get advice from an outside source.


Go to the site Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup it’s a great site for finding things to do and meeting other people. It’s NOT a dating site. In my area there are many groups on there for women with young children to meet up during the day for play dates. I think it’s a great way for moms to get out and have things to do with their children.

Often with groups like this it can turn into friendships in which couples take turn babysitting so that couples get some time to their self.

Also, does you school have low cost child care for students?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless your SO is ill, she should really catch up on any sleep during the day when the baby's sleeping. Right now it's your job to study and work to support the family. You can't do that if you're not getting enough sleep.

Just tell your SO what you've told us here, OP. You're not being unreasonable.


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