# Serious question for you ladies



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't mean to be graphic and I am not trying to brag, but I have a serious question for you ladies.
I have been divorced now for almost 1 1/2 years. Towards the end of my marriage my sex life was definitely lacking. There was no spontaniety, no adventure, no fireworks, it was just a physical release.
I tried. I know I did. She wouldn't let me go down on her. She seldom went down on me. When she did it was just cursory and never to completion. I wanted to try different positions, She always reminded me that she wasn't as young as she had been. 
If I tried to talk to her about it, she always told me that none of her friends enjoyed sex. it was just something they did to keep their husbands happy. but they didn't enjoy it. She would often beg off, saying she was too tired, had to work tomorrow and didn't want to "smell". She would say it was supposed to be cold, and she didn't want to feel the cold if she was still seeping etc.
Anyways since then I have been with two other women. Neither of them ever seemed to get enough. Both of them seem to love my penis. They try top get me off and want me to cum inside of them, actually begging me to "give it to (me) them"
So my question is what is reality? Have I just happened upon two women who really love sex? or was my ex the odd one? Or is it somewhere in between?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Cold?? What??

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Cold?? What??
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk



Lol, I was going to ask this too.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Anyways since then I have been with two other women. Neither of them ever seemed to get enough. Both of them seem to love my penis. They try top get me off and want me to cum inside of them, actually begging me to "give it to (me) them"
> 
> So my question is what is reality? Have I just happened upon two women who really love sex? or was my ex the odd one? Or is it somewhere in between?


Well you know, they don't call it a bell curve for nothing . Women fall all along the curve, just like with anything else in life. Some women are on the LD end (your ex) and some are on the HD end (like me, and your two newest ladies). And I stand firm in my belief that sex drive has A LOT to do with plain old chemistry and attraction (otherwise known as the "spark") which is very difficult to manufacture. I honestly believe it's either there or it's not. Sadly, lots of folks settle for "not."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Cold?? What??
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


The weather, the temperature outside. She would say she would still be wet from the the sex and didn't like feeling the cold between her legs.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ynot said:


> The weather, the temperature outside. She would say she would still be wet from the the sex and didn't like feeling the cold between her legs.


*Now that's about the biggest crock of crap that I've ever encountered in this rather elongated lifetime of mine!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ynot said:


> The weather, the temperature outside. She would say she would still be wet from the the sex and didn't like feeling the cold between her legs.


That thought has never, ever entered my head even one time in my life!

But, to answer your question, I think it's somewhere in between. What you're experiencing now is the excitement of something "new." But, your ex wife definitely sounded like a cold fish, too. (no pun intended)


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sexual problems in a marriage are often symptoms of larger relationship issues. While it may be the only issue that one of the parties understands or is willing to acknowledge, it's actually pretty rare for sex to be the only troubled thing in a relationship. My guess is that your marriage had plenty of problems that weren't your sex life. Resentment, anger, feeling emotionally unsafe, lack of trust can all be deadly to a couple's sex life, while a bad sex life makes it harder to work on those same issues. 

While some women may pull a bait-and-switch, or simply be naturally low-drive or severely repressed, that's not always the case. There are plenty of women who really enjoy sex. A lot of women, though, actually _need_ a healthy, emotionally connected and safe, romantic relationship in order to want sex. Others may not require a ton of positive connection, but may require at least a lack of negative feelings for their partner. That can be true even for women who like sex a lot! 

Which brings us to your recent sexual experiences. Those women may, in fact, be naturally high drive and also don't rely at all on the state of a relationship to fuel their sexual interest. But it's also possible that they were buoyed by the romanticism, the chemistry, the connection. And they had none of the other negative baggage that can come with a longer-term relationship. In other words, the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship is more about the fantasy than the reality of the hard work involved in maintaining a solid relationship long-term. No problems, lots of good feelings, usually equals a really good sexual relationship.

Oh, and most grown women who enjoy happy and active sex lives, but don't enjoy the post-coital leaking, have mastered the art of purchasing and employing panty liners. Seriously, there's no reason for that to be an issue unless a woman wants it to be.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

These women who can't get enough....give them 20 years of it and it'll be enough.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Keep in mind that the sex you get at the beginning of the relationship is not necessarily indicative of how she feels on a day-to-day basis. Sex is almost always great when the relationship is just starting out. After a year or two, the "new relationship" hormones die down and you find out what someone's true sex drive is.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I think most of it depends on the relationship. If the relationship is going well, in most cases, so is the sex. Like any long term relationship, sex ebbs and flows.

I was in a sexless marriage so when I became single, I was looking for a HD partner. My HD partner is very giving and passionate and I love being with him.

What is interesting is my HD partner had a wife who used to also be HD with him. However as their relationship soured over the long haul, she totally became LD and never wanted to sleep with him.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I agree pretty much with all the responses here. That "cold between the legs" thing is ridiculous. Did she not shower after sex? I always have, and not because I feel dirty or something like that - I just like to feel clean and dry.

I agree that women are on a scale when it comes to enjoying sex. There are some at one end for whom it's not enjoyable at all, there are some in the middle, like I'd say I am, for whom it is enjoyable, but for whom it has to be with someone we're attracted to and in love with for it to be enjoyable (I'm not one to have one-night stands with guys I don't know - never have been), and then there are some who are HD (or at least who seem to be that way) like your newest lady friends. 

I also agree that you don't know someone's true sex drive until you've been with them in an exclusive relationship - really, until you've lived with them - for a while.

My ex left me for someone he thought was voraciously sexual. I'm sure while they were having their affair, the couple of times they got together (it was also a long-distance relationship), it was a Fvck Fest, and she did anything and everything to please him. He implies lately that now that they've been living together for six months, it's "not like that anymore" and has "really slowed down." Big Shocker. 

I do think that some women can be truly HD, but after they've been living with a guy for a while, and that guy starts to show himself for the narcissist he is (I'm projecting, here, but you can replace "narcissist" with "annoying person" to make it more general), she might start not being all that into sex with him anymore. Many men here on TAM see this as a "Bait and Switch" game that women play on purpose. I don't believe that's what happens. I think they are women who do enjoy sex and sincerely enjoy it with their partners when they're first starting out and everyone is putting his and her best foot forward. I think these men who think they've been baited and switched probably share some of the blame for that happening. And it's not that they don't help out around the house or with the kids enough - it's that they do and say things that show their wives they don't really have their backs - basically, it's because they abandon them emotionally.

I realize in my marriage that over time, I stopped enjoying sex with my husband because I never felt like he was really all that into me when we had it. He wanted me to dress in leather outfits and ridiculous stilletto shoes and boots that I could barely stand in, let alone walk, and that seemed to be the only way he enjoyed it. After a while of this, I started to feel like he was just pretending I was someone else. I know now that he was. And so sex with him, in my mind, became a duty and not something I just enjoyed in and of itself. But I did enjoy it with him very early on when I believed he really loved me. I was attracted to him and I did love him. The spark we had died somewhere along the way - I don't know that it was ever really there for him, and I know it died in me when I subconsciously realized he didn't love me.

What were the other problems in your marriage, Ynot? Did you get along great and often do things together, just the two of you, but she was just weird about sex? Or do you think there were things you may have been doing (or not doing) that may have disappointed her deep down, and led her to lose interest in having sex with you?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> What were the other problems in your marriage, Ynot? Did you get along great and often do things together, just the two of you, but she was just weird about sex? Or do you think there were things you may have been doing (or not doing) that may have disappointed her deep down, and led her to lose interest in having sex with you?


Actually I had become very unhappy over time and I am sure she did too. Once our daughter left for college, I felt as though she really began to pull away. She devoted more time to her career and "girlies" and less time to me and our family. She had hinted many times about regrets she had from her past (having a child when she was young, not going to college, etc). I always chocked it up to mid-life musings as I had had similar thoughts of what could have been.
The issue with sex really started years before, after our daughter was born (we used to call her birth control). I was sympathetic to her needs but mine weren't getting met either. I accepted once a week, that became once a month that became every six weeks, until I would get fed up and finally say something. Then there would be an improvement back to at least once a week before the slide would start all over again. 
Since my divorce I have come to understand that she was really just acting in her own best interests when she left. And in fact had been thru the whole marriage. I guess the reason I asked my question was because I am just curious, if what I had was "normal" or had I just become conditioned to believe it was. 
I am not an animal. I am not a dog that humps anything that comes along. I have never been like that. I understand the newness of a relationship. So far, that newness has never developed into anything more.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@Ynot, this may come as a bit of surprise to you, but not all women are alike. Some love sex, some, not so much. We are different that way. Please don't try to make generalizations for an entire gender based on three women.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Now that's about the biggest crock of crap that I've ever encountered in this rather elongated lifetime of mine!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True. I withdraw the moths and field mice excuse as the biggest crock ever


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> @Ynot, this may come as a bit of surprise to you, but not all women are alike. Some love sex, some, not so much. We are different that way. Please don't try to make generalizations for an entire gender based on three women.


No surprise at all. I completely understand that we are all individuals. And that each of us is really only doing the best we know how to do. I don't have to agree with whether or not what someone else chooses to do is really in their best interest and I have to be on guard that I am not judging others based on what I feel is in my best interests.
I know that early on I was very hurt and felt rejected that my ex did not take my feelings and emotions into consideration. But I realize now that she really was doing what she felt was best for her. I had not been for a long time. I had invested myself in the marriage, in being the best husband that I knew how to be, the best father I knew how to be, but that all came at my expense. I expect no reciprocity going forward. All I can do is offer and if someone chooses to join me, so much the better.
But my question was not so much geared at coming to some concensus as much as it was about knowing if what I had was really the norm or of I had just been conditioned to believe it was.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My experience has been that I'm discovering a little more every day that I have absolutely zero concept of what normal actually is. A good bit of what was normal in my marriage seems very unusual to other people. I discover things all the time, large and small, that it turns out were part of a pretty dysfunctional dynamic. I'm having to rethink a lot of things, make a lot of adjustments, and learn new standards of normal all the time. 

I'm lucky enough to have someone in my life now who's willing to work with me on both of us figuring out what we want normal to be for us. We've talked about it. We continue to talk about it. When one of us does something the other finds odd or annoying or aggravating, we discuss it. We're slowly working toward being the best partners we can for one another. And sometimes we just smile at each other and agree that neither of us knows what "should" be happening in this given situation and that we'll figure it out together.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Guess it depends on the woman, like anything else. Bear in mind beginning-of-relationship sex is NOTHING like married sex. Not just because they are different people, but because you're not sharing finances, living together, balancing your respective religions, work schedules, life outlooks, hobbies, friends and families (and if you have kids, kids) with someone at the beginning of a relationship. Add all those stressors and of course it can adversely effect your sex life - yes, even with these HD women. 

I figured out I am HD. But when matched to a LD/Cheating XH, I was made to feel like wanting sex more than once a month made me a sex addict. It's a horrible contradiction - he loved how uninhibited I was when we first got together, but as time went by, he seemed to almost dislike it, and I went from feeling good about sex to learning to mute the full extent of my desire because it was seen as abnormal. Noticed this was particularly the case once I became pregnant and after the baby came along, he was just I think totally turned off by the idea of sleeping with a woman who is also a mother and wife. 

Current BF is incredible in bed and is willing and eager to explore with me. Like you, part of me is wondering if a lot of guys are probably willing to experiment, and that XH was just the exception to the rule. It seems like many are, just from reading TAM. But I also can't help but wonder, if, given 2 years, and living together, the same thing wouldn't happen to BF and I as happened with the XH. So for now, I'm taking it a day at a time.

Count your lucky stars?


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

This thread has some interesting parts in it, and got me thinking… about LD vs HD, and it was started by your observations about your experiences with your wife, how it turned sexless and how they were so different than the two other women you shared experiences with.

HD and LD is situational right ? A woman that is emotionally close to a man would want it… would crave it, would express… yet, there are so many examples in this forum where men (and women) seems to do ‘everything right’, really try hard to identify what their spouse wants, try to be that for them, and yet lives in years of misery and celibacy.

And, on the other hand, where then does the ONS comes in; surely, a deep emotional bond is not formed in a manner of hours ? 

That is easy to understand, right ? : it is the newness, it is what is different, the anticipation and the rush of the hunt, and being hunted…

But, if that is the case, she will turn LD, or manifest that LD when the newness wears off, yet, there are no lack of examples of women that, after many years, who started a relationship with an intended ONS, that changed into a long term committed relationship still crave and want that connection that only exist between lovers, and sometimes, in spite of not being treated real well, still want their husbands.

So, for those that are ‘out on the market’, the question is then, is the one that I am seeing now, and who really gives his/her all to me, pursues me and makes me feel wanted and desired a LD in disguise, or, is he/she truly a HD.

I think it may boil down to this… it is about a stress test…..

Consider these two statements:

I have had a very tough day… work was the worst, my car had an issue, my sister called with bad news, the kids drove me crazy…I need to relax, so I am not in the mood. 

Vs.
I have had a very tough day… work was the worst, my car had an issue, my sister called with bad news, the kids drove me crazy…so, I need to relax, meaning.. I really, really need you, I need to feel you next to me, over me, and inside me and for you to lie next to me while I fall asleep.

And….
Today was a great day… I feel relaxed… you fixed the leaky faucet, I lost another pound of weight, you prepared dinner, you made me laugh… so, we can maybe get together later ?

Vs.
Today was a great day… I feel relaxed… you fixed the leaky faucet, I lost another pound of weight, you prepared dinner, you made me laugh… come to think of it, no matter if I had a bad day, or a good day…. I want you.. so, come have me !... 

We all have bad days (weeks/months) and good days (weeks/months)…. Notwithstanding the relationship itself, I think that one way to identify an HD vs. an LD is this: 

An HD will say: I feel exhausted/frustrated/stressed… you being with me, makes it better.. 

An LD will say : I feel exhausted/frustrated/stressed, I am simply not in the mood. 

It is then not about you. You could be the absolutely most adoring, supportive, assertive and understanding of men (without going overboard/being a pushover/beta male) and yet, if her way of dealing with stress involves the physical, you have and HD on your hands. If stress causes her to shy away from it… she is LD.


Is this at all a workable theory and/or approach that will allow for someone to find out about if someone is an LD or and HD ?

Finally: This is a two way street. It does not apply to women only. I do however write from a man’s perspective, since that is what I am.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ok first off, that line about not wanting to be cold??? I pmsl when I read that. What a crock!! Lol.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, and married for almost 3. I am HD and I think you should have sex like you mean it! Lol! Go hard (no pun intended) or go home dammit, lol. I don't get the LD thing, wtf is wrong with them? Lol.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

when you first begin sex its nearly always more frequent and seems more exciting.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

ericthesane said:


> This thread has some interesting parts in it, and got me thinking… about LD vs HD, and it was started by your observations about your experiences with your wife, how it turned sexless and how they were so different than the two other women you shared experiences with.
> 
> HD and LD is situational right ? A woman that is emotionally close to a man would want it… would crave it, would express… yet, there are so many examples in this forum where men (and women) seems to do ‘everything right’, really try hard to identify what their spouse wants, try to be that for them, and yet lives in years of misery and celibacy.
> 
> ...


This hit the nail on the head for me. For my husband, he would come home day after day and being very stressed with work...tell me when I tried to be with him, sorry, bad day, not in the mood. At one point, I said to him, I really don't understand, if you had a terrible day, can't I help you feel better? You don't have to worry about taking care of me in any way, I just want to be close with you, be intimate and I'd like to make you feel good bc I love you and I know work is rough for you right now. The thing is...he just couldn't do it. If he had a lot on his mind, he can't let it go, he can't get interested in sex. It's just different for me because I crave being intimate the most when I've had a bad day because the intimacy makes everything else seem not so bad. I guess it's just different way of dealing with stress and life. Seeking comfort vs. withdrawing internally.


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