# Do you and your spouse combine accounts?



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

My hubs and I do *not* combine our bank accounts. We've been together for 11 years total, married for almost 8 years (anniversary in May). 

He has his own checking and savings and I have my own accounts.

We each pay 1/2 the mortgage, household bills, expenses for our child, etc. I have my own car pmt.; he has his. I buy most of the groceries and he buys most of our dinners when we go out.

It works for us. At first, I wanted to combine and he didn't. Now I would not combine accts with him; I like having my own. 

Anyone else have this type of arrangement?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Separate accounts for 25+ years. It works well for us. But we do have signature rights and passwords to each other's accounts in case one of us steps off the curb in front of a bus. We also have a huge amount of trust in each other's financial decisions.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband has never wanted to combine accounts for whatever reason. He's "weird" about money, so I've just come to accept it. (I mean, he has to separate his change at the end of the day - pennies with pennies, dimes with dimes, etc.)

Right now he handles all of our bills and finances by himself, (and does a great job!) But even when I worked and contributed I gave him my contributions, which he deposited into his account.

I'm not even sure his bank knows he's married... In the event he "steps off the curb, in front of a bus" lol

It used to really bother me, because I felt he didn't trust me. Now I don't really feel like I have the "right" to care about it anymore...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Our arrangement is similar.

Works for us


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

YinPrincess said:


> I'm not even sure his bank knows he's married... In the event he "steps off the curb, in front of a bus" lol


You should really have a discussion with him on this and at least get your name on the accounts. Should he step off the curb and you are not listed on the account the the money could be locked up in probate and you have no source of income to pay the bills. Any attorneys on the forum, please chime in on this.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

We have always had a shared account. Seems strange to me not to have one but what do I know??


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married 20 years with shared account. Yes I'm a homemaker now but it was shared even when I made 3X what he did.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My earnings were our money and my wife’s earnings were her money! But we both liked it that way. My earnings were always paid into the joint account “Mr and Mrs ………..”. And from there I paid all the bills. Again it was something I enjoyed doing. Plus my wife never abused the “system”.


But I do have regrets about it now. I really feel hard done by (or I used to) because although I paid our way for 35 years I don’t feel I ever got appreciated (Affirmed/Loved) for it. Over time it became a way of life for my wife and as such it was just how things were. In essence she lived “free from living expenses” for decades while at the same time had her earnings to do what she liked with. I think I thoroughly spoilt her.

Looking back it would have been far better for us both to pay relative amounts for the living expenses. But hey ho I was thoroughly spoilt too with the best cook I’ve ever known, as much sex as I ever wanted and living for a very long time with a woman I was truly in love with.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Married 20 years with shared account. Yes I'm a homemaker now but it was shared even when I made 3X what he did.


This is us as well. I understand and intellectually accept that a married couple could have separate accounts, but know it would not work for me. Perhaps if I had married later in life and/or had children from a previous relationship, but in a first marriage relatively young (we were both 26 when we got married), I just could not imagine any other way. I trusted her with everything else, so trusting her with my (now our) money just made sense.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

We combine everything 100% here.

We are so used to living on beans, that it made more sense for us to combine when we got married. It was too much of a hassle to be constantly moving money around in order to have enough to pay a bill, or asking each other for a few bucks for gas to get to the next payday or whatever. We make our decisions on what to buy and what to invest based on combined income, so in most cases it takes that combined income to pay the bills. Now I cannot imagine it any other way. I actually couldn't even tell you what he gets paid each check vs. what I get paid each check since it all blurs together automatically in one pot.

I do have to admit that I find it odd that not all couples do it that way - if my husband did not want to combine accounts I would think "What is he hiding?" - but to each their own, and if it works for others great!


----------



## Tadmown (Mar 12, 2012)

kag123 said:


> We combine everything 100% here.
> 
> We are so used to living on beans, that it made more sense for us to combine when we got married. It was too much of a hassle to be constantly moving money around in order to have enough to pay a bill, or asking each other for a few bucks for gas to get to the next payday or whatever. We make our decisions on what to buy and what to invest based on combined income, so in most cases it takes that combined income to pay the bills. Now I cannot imagine it any other way. I actually couldn't even tell you what he gets paid each check vs. what I get paid each check since it all blurs together automatically in one pot.
> 
> I do have to admit that I find it odd that not all couples do it that way - if my husband did not want to combine accounts I would think "What is he hiding?" - but to each their own, and if it works for others great!


Interesting, I find it odd that not all couples maintain individual accounts!  Certainly the best way is whatever works best for both parties involved.

My wife and I maintain our own accounts, and we have a joint account for expenses. We don't find moving the $ around to be a huge hassle, all our accounts are at the same institution. We both feel it's just better to make personal purchases out of individual accounts. Then she doesn't need to "ask permission" to buy that new pair of shoes!


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I personally don't like the idea of different accounts when you are married. 

A couple we know what this set up separate accounts and equally split all expenses. If you are both steadily working in comparable jobs it might be workable for a long time but otherwise it can be marital cancer.

All sorts of room for bitterness and miscounting who gets how much of what. What are couple decisions about expenses what are not? Is somebody taking an income hit for the benefit of the family or are they doing something for their own reasons? 

The accounting can get ugly.

If I am earning twice what my wife does, does that mean I get to go on vacations and she doesn't? Can I buy a new Jag and leave her with broken down Hyundai? 

The one situation I can see it not only working but essential is if one spouse is irresponsible with money.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lionelhutz said:


> The one situation I can see it not only working but essential is if one spouse is irresponsible with money.


To each his own but I would disagree. In our situation, my wife and I have very similar views in how to spend money. We were both raised by parents who grew up in the depression. We are both pretty tight when it comes to spending cash vs. putting money in retirement or education accounts. If there is a purchase of say $500 or more, we will always dicuss it and most generally agree. The money is not my money or her money, it's our money. In the 25+ plus years we have been together we have only had one argument about money. For us it works very well.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

We have always had separate accounts, credit cards, etc. we split bills 50/50 (we each earn roughly the same amt). We do not access or have access to each other's accounts. In all the years we have been together, maybe we have argued about money once.but i am not sure that we've ever had an argument about money because we have a similar philosophy regarding spending and saving (never carry credit card debt, save for retirement, etc),
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> To each his own but I would disagree. In our situation, my wife and I have very similar views in how to spend money. We were both raised by parents who grew up in the depression. We are both pretty tight when it comes to spending cash vs. putting money in retirement or education accounts. If there is a purchase of say $500 or more, we will always dicuss it and most generally agree. The money is not my money or her money, it's our money. In the 25+ plus years we have been together we have only had one argument about money. For us it works very well.


Then my question is why? It seems to me like a time bomb that will explode when hardship happens.

If you agree on financial decisions and there are no other financial stresses, I can't think of a single advantage.

HOWEVER, I should add another important qualification. I can see for business purposes, if one spouse primarily receives steady employment income and the other spouse is self-employed there may be value in sheltering family assets and accounts in case the business goes south.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lionelhutz said:


> Then my question is why? It seems to me like a time bomb that will explode when hardship happens.


I has just been easier for us to manage it this way. We both track our accounts closely so overdrafts are non existent. We don't have to worry if we both hit the account with debit cards that force one. We are responsible for your own portion of the budget but move funds if we need to.. And it does give us a bit of privacy when purchasing for each other for birthday, anniversaries, Christmas..... 

We can review or even transfer money in each others account. Even though I make twice as much as she does, it's our money in the same way it our house, our kids, our cars.... Again we have total trust in each other when it comes to financial issues so money has always been a non-issue for us. I count us very lucky in that respect.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Most of our decisions like this were made while my wife and I were in pre-marital counseling. For us, having a joint account was more in line with our view on marital unity, although we both understand why people would do it differently.

We have friends who get along better with seperate accounts, but it just wouldn't work beyond the next 15 years for us, unless my wife planned to live seperately during our retirement. Although both of us save the same percentage from our net income, a large portion of my income is in deferred stock option gains, so her outlook past retirement is not even close to what we have planned.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Then my question is why? It seems to me like a time bomb that will explode when hardship happens.
> 
> If you agree on financial decisions and there are no other financial stresses, I can't think of a single advantage.
> 
> HOWEVER, I should add another important qualification. I can see for business purposes, if one spouse primarily receives steady employment income and the other spouse is self-employed there may be value in sheltering family assets and accounts in case the business goes south.


My hubs is self-employed and has been for a long time. He just prefers to maintain his own accounts, which is fine by me. He makes about the same as me on an annual basis.

And the "buying shoes" comment someone made earlier in the thread is OH SO true!


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

We have always had a single account. To be honest, I don't know for sure how much money hits my account on payday. She manages our household and that includes the money.

We do have stock accounts and 401K accounts that she doesn't worry with, but they are not really intended to be spent except for major purchases.

She's very talented with our finances. My personality borders on ADHD. I function very well on my job. She functions very well as a manager. We discuss major purchases and plan for the long term, and she manages our finances to get us there. It makes it difficult for me to give her a gift (Which don't seem to be that important to her anyway), but it works well for us as a team in our house.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I has just been easier for us to manage it this way. We both track our accounts closely so overdrafts are non existent. We don't have to worry if we both hit the account with debit cards that force one. We are responsible for your own portion of the budget but move funds if we need to.. And it does give us a bit of privacy when purchasing for each other for birthday, anniversaries, Christmas.....
> 
> We can review or even transfer money in each others account. Even though I make twice as much as she does, it's our money in the same way it our house, our kids, our cars.... Again we have total trust in each other when it comes to financial issues so money has always been a non-issue for us. I count us very lucky in that respect.


I'm not trying to argue with you, but I am just curious because our friends also describe this set up and they insist it is "easier". 

I don't see anyway around the fact that between the two of you there is double the accounting. Even when we are out with our friends for social occasions you can hear them from time to time "touching base" about what money goes where and who is paying for what. 

We have one account for all daily and monthly outgoing and all incoming. Accessible to both of us at all times. No juggling or transferring or coordinating ever unless it is to a savings or retirement account or similar. The only time we ever need to discuss money at all is when we are deciding to make a major purchase or around tax season.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Joint accounts here. Whats mine is hers and whats hers is hers. LOL


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> I'm not trying to argue with you, but I am just curious because our friends also describe this set up and they insist it is "easier".
> 
> I don't see anyway around the fact that between the two of you there is double the accounting. Even when we are out with our friends for social occasions you can hear them from time to time "touching base" about what money goes where and who is paying for what.
> 
> We have one account for all daily and monthly outgoing and all incoming. Accessible to both of us at all times. No juggling or transferring or coordinating ever unless it is to a savings or retirement account or similar. The only time we ever need to discuss money at all is when we are deciding to make a major purchase or around tax season.


We don't "juggle or transfer" money from our accounts to each other. If hubs pays for dinner, it just comes out of his account. If I pay for dinner, then it comes out of mine. Simple!


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Joint accounts here. Whats mine is hers and whats hers is hers. LOL


:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup:


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Broncos Fan said:


> I've seen it done both ways and I think separate can be practical. As long as both people are aware of each other's finance then it's all good. My wife and I combine because when we got married she was on this "share everything" kick and that's fine with me. The one practice I disagree with is the whole "wife's account" trend going around now. The wife keeps a separate secret account that her husband doesn't know about. I worked at a place where the female employees bragged about the bonuses they deposit into those accounts, with the help of our employer. It was a feminist bookstore and our boss thought she was fighting the power by assisting in this. But now my wife works at a school and she's the only teacher there who doesn't have a secret account, and the others think she's crazy. Crazy world.


May be just me, but looking back....my Mom had a secret account for the "unknown". What she did know was that my Dad was cheating on her, and that one day she was going to make him leave. When that day came, she had the money to "freshen up" the house (new paint, new carpet, etc.)...to eventually get it ready to sell. 

I think it's wise to have some sort of "fall back" account because you never know what the future holds.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

We have a joint a/c for the household and personal and then we both have solo a/cs for our businesses... with us both having access to each others a/cs.


----------



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

We each have our own accounts. We talked briefly about whether to combine them shortly before getting married, but we couldn't see any big advantages for us to do so. We both work full time, and I would say we both tend to manage our money independently to a degree. For personal stuff and money spent for pleasure, we each do our own thing. As for bills and household needs and such, we try to take turns in such a way that we're paying out evenly (e.g., I pay the utilities and subscriptions and groceries one month, and she writes the check for the mortgage, etc.). The only time we really get together and carefully square things off jointly is for the rare large purchase.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lionelhutz said:


> I'm not trying to argue with you, but I am just curious because our friends also describe this set up and they insist it is "easier".
> 
> I don't see anyway around the fact that between the two of you there is double the accounting. Even when we are out with our friends for social occasions you can hear them from time to time "touching base" about what money goes where and who is paying for what.
> 
> We have one account for all daily and monthly outgoing and all incoming. Accessible to both of us at all times. No juggling or transferring or coordinating ever unless it is to a savings or retirement account or similar. The only time we ever need to discuss money at all is when we are deciding to make a major purchase or around tax season.


Not argumentative at all. What ever works for each couple is fine. The separated accounts is probably a carry over from when we first met and moved in together. An odd story but we barely knew each other when we started living together. There it made a huge amount of sense to keep it separated in case it failed. It has just worked for us over the years. The only double accounting we have is each balancing our own checking accounts. We each have specific bills we are responsible for. We keep all the bills in a single location in the order to be paid. Since I am a commissioned sales person, my income can vary by several thousand each month. If I have as suck month and am short I just ask her to pay it or pull it out of my savings account. If she comes up short, same thing. There really isn't any conflict as we very much view it as communal property. It's never "my money" or "her money"


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

southern wife said:


> May be just me, but looking back....my Mom had a secret account for the "unknown". What she did know was that my Dad was cheating on her, and that one day she was going to make him leave. When that day came, she had the money to "freshen up" the house (new paint, new carpet, etc.)...to eventually get it ready to sell.
> 
> I think it's wise to have some sort of "fall back" account because you never know what the future holds.



Yes, this is what I assumed all along was the real answer. 

Even if everything was smooth as glass and everyone is as happy as can be, at absolute minimum you are still balancing two cheque books and incurring service charges for two accounts so there is no sense in which it is "easier".


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Broncos Fan said:


> Well I certainly couldn't blame your mom for doing that in that case. I think I'm just amazed at how common this is, even in healthy marriages. So, do you have a "fall back" account? Would it bother you if your husband had one? Just askin'.


As in my original post, the thread opening post, hubs and I do not combine our accounts. He knows of my bank accounts, and I know of his. We bank at the same financial institution, but we do not have access to each other's accounts. We are listed as each other's beneficiaries, however, should anything happen. So in that case there's no need for a "fall back" account. He does not know how much is in my accounts and I do my banking online. His statements come to the house, so....I do know how much he has. He has never asked about balances, but if he did, I'd show him. I think he'd be like  because he didn't know how well I can save! :rofl:


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Yes, this is what I assumed all along was the real answer.
> 
> Even if everything was smooth as glass and everyone is as happy as can be, at absolute minimum you are still balancing two cheque books and incurring service charges for two accounts so there is no sense in which it is "easier".


I only balance my checkbook. On the other hand, he does not. I can't force him to, and he just doesn't "get it". Also, our bank does not incur monthly service charges.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Broncos Fan said:


> Sure, I get that. But what you mention in your original post and what you mention your mom doing (or what my wife's colleagues do) is entirely different from what you do. My point from my first post is that separate or combined doesn't matter--except for practical benefits or disadvantages to each--so much as openness and transparency matter. I really didn't expect you to be honest about your secret hidden account anyway (just kidding).


Right, it is different. My Dad, I assume, did not know of my Mom's own account outside of their joint account. Smart woman, if you ask me. With 6 kids, she had to carefully plan for the future. Both of my parents worked full-time, so she was socking away her own money for a rainy day, as far as I'm concerned.

I didn't start out with joint accounts with my hubs; they've been separate from the get go.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Broncos Fan said:


> I really didn't expect you to be honest about your secret hidden account anyway (just kidding).


We're on a public forum; nothing to hide!


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

southern wife said:


> I only balance my checkbook. On the other hand, he does not. I can't force him to, and he just doesn't "get it". Also, our bank does not incur monthly service charges.


Then you are still balancing an account it is only accomplishing half the household's bookkeeping tasks.

By the way, how are there no service charges at all on checking? Minimum balance required? 

I could use a better bank


----------



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> Then you are still balancing an account it is only accomplishing half the household's bookkeeping tasks.
> 
> By the way, how are there no service charges at all on checking? Minimum balance required?
> 
> I could use a better bank


We don't pay any fees on our (separate) accounts either. Minimum balances and certain kinds of account activity that happen regularly for us anyway.

I'm not sure why it would be considered so "complicated" to keep track of a checking account. Maybe it's just because we're both big time science/engineering nerds, but keeping track of how much money we have has never been too difficult for either of us, in my opinion.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lionelhutz said:


> I could use a better bank


Look into a credit union.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Then you are still balancing an account it is only accomplishing half the household's bookkeeping tasks.
> 
> By the way, how are there no service charges at all on checking? Minimum balance required?
> 
> I could use a better bank


Credit Union! 

If hubs prefers not to balance his own finances, that's his own problem. It does not effect the management of our household, and there are never any shortcomings from either of us.


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I agree with Lionel. Having separate accounts is like having a pre-nup - an acknowledgement that things might go wrong, rather than an absolute committment. 

Seems like people with separate accounts got married later in life (post 30) or are on a second marriage, whereas young first marriages have joint accounts.

Even the phraseology of separate accounters - "he pays 1/2" - is curious. It is our money, not hers. We pay for everything, not I pay or she pays. Do you keep food separate? That is my ice cream, that is her ice cream; we know what flavors each other has and discuss appropriate ice cream consumption. You keep clothes in separate closets/dressers because they belong to one person and it would get messy to have it all thrown together. 

Also the reply about asking to spend on shoes - this is exactly the point, if you are not comfortable with a purchase, that is exactly when your spouse should know about it. 

I get it if it is a second marriage and each person has distinct financial commitments. But in other cases, it just sounds like there is a lack of trust or a want to keep secrets.

This is truly not an accusation, just an observation. My W is a SAHM and I would never want her to feel that it was my money she was spending - it is ours.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

mgperkow said:


> I'm not sure why it would be considered so "complicated" to keep track of a checking account. Maybe it's just because we're both big time science/engineering nerds, but keeping track of how much money we have has never been too difficult for either of us, in my opinion.


Okay I won't continue to beat this dead horse, but I'm not saying it is hard. If you are both good with money and think alike it is not brain surgery. My only point is that it is simply untrue to call it "EASIER" than having one account.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SprucHub said:


> But in other cases, it just sounds like there is a lack of trust


Or of absolute trust.


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Some advice from a former banker ....... 

Whether or not you balance your accounts is totally up to you, however, you should still at least check your statements monthly to make sure what's coming out of the account is something you authorized. Most banks, including Credit Unions, allow 60 days from the date of your statement to report any unauthorized activity. After 60 days, you, the owner, 'eat' any losses from debit card purchases posting twice, stolen/forged checks, debits posting for incorrect amount, etc., etc. 

Just an FYI for those that may not know this........


----------



## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

We have only ever had joint accounts.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> Having separate accounts is like having a pre-nup - an acknowledgement that things might go wrong, rather than an absolute committment.


I do not agree with this at all. The absolute committment comes from the people and their hearts, not their bank accounts. :scratchhead:



> Do you keep food separate? That is my ice cream, that is her ice cream; we know what flavors each other has and discuss appropriate ice cream consumption. You keep clothes in separate closets/dressers because they belong to one person and it would get messy to have it all thrown together.


As a matter of fact, since I buy all the food, it IS all mine. :rofl: :rofl: Just kidding!  All food is shared, except what I buy to bring to my office for lunch. 

And, ummm, yes we do have separate closets and dressers for our clothes. That is something I will not share. I have my way of keeping my closet and his is just toss in, in no particular order. 



> Also the reply about asking to spend on shoes - this is exactly the point, if you are not comfortable with a purchase, that is exactly when your spouse should know about it.


Whether it's my account, his, or ours, I'm buying shoes if I want to! :rofl: :rofl:

But seriously............shoes? What's the big deal? :scratchhead:


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

My W is a SAHM and I would never want her to feel that it was my money she was spending - it is ours. 


I'm a SAHW and my H feels the same way you do.......It's OUR money not his, or mine.


----------



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> I agree with Lionel. Having separate accounts is like having a pre-nup - an acknowledgement that things might go wrong, rather than an absolute committment.
> 
> Seems like people with separate accounts got married later in life (post 30) or are on a second marriage, whereas young first marriages have joint accounts.
> 
> ...


I don't see an essential trust issue in not combining accounts. That is, I would admit that it _could_ represent an issue for someone not to do it, but I don't think deciding against doing it _necessarily_ represents a lack of trust or commitment. As I mentioned, my wife and I have separate accounts. We've had these same accounts since before we were married. We see no reason to combine them into one, and doing so would represent what we both see as an unnecessary change to the _status quo_. It's simpler for each of us to have our own separate pools money to spend from at times, but we also both share in the finances of the household. We also frequently _give_ each other money when the other doesn't have time to go to an ATM, for example. It's quite a functional system for us, and each of us not having to keep track of every little purchase or withdrawal made by the other does make _our_ lives simpler. As a whole, we live well within our means.

All in all, I think it depends on the couple in question, whether it is a "good idea" to combine finances completely.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> I agree with Lionel. Having separate accounts is like having a pre-nup - an acknowledgement that things might go wrong, rather than an absolute committment.
> 
> Seems like people with separate accounts got married later in life (post 30) or are on a second marriage, whereas young first marriages have joint accounts.
> 
> ...


This is how I feel... It's kind of vulnerable being 100% dependent on hub for everything, let alone the fact that if I need money for anything I have to ask for it, know about it in advance (if he's going to be at work, etc.)

Right now, being as pregnant as I am, with health problems, I feel vulnerable in that we don't keep gas in my van, should I need to go somewhere, like the hospital. He doesn't always respond right away when I text or call him... I'm afraid of having to wait too long to go, and my family lives the next city over...

It would be nice even if he just added me to ONE of his FIVE accounts, for emergency purposes. I'd never abuse the privilege and go crazy emptying his account or anything... But that's what I feel like he thinks will happen.

Ugh. Sorry to go OT, but it's frustrating and leaves me feeling at his mercy... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> This is how I feel... It's kind of vulnerable being 100% dependent on hub for everything, let alone the fact that if I need money for anything I have to ask for it, know about it in advance (if he's going to be at work, etc.)
> 
> Right now, being as pregnant as I am, with health problems, I feel vulnerable in that we don't keep gas in my van, should I need to go somewhere, like the hospital. He doesn't always respond right away when I text or call him... I'm afraid of having to wait too long to go, and my family lives the next city over...
> 
> ...


To me, and in my opinion, this is not right at all. Your hubs is controlling ALL the money and only "giving" you what you "ask" for. I agree that he should put you on one of his accounts, that way you access to funds should an emergency come up, or you need to gas up the van.  Makes no sense to me.


----------



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I also think that is wrong. In corollary to what I was saying earlier, the situation you describe _does_ sound like a trust issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

mgperkow said:


> I also think that is wrong. In corollary to what I was saying earlier, the situation you describe _does_ sound like a trust issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree:


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It may be trust - or it could be that he just doesn't know any better. He is an only child, and never had to grow up thinking about anyone but himself. On top of that, he has an extreme fear of not having enough money or making enough money - like I said, he's "weird" about it. He has no problems sharing with me if I want or need something, it just has to go through him first. Since he's the only one working right now I've stopped pressing the issue to be added. Too much arguing and he will never understand my point; I worry about what will happen after the baby arrives and needs something and it will have to be a process to accomplish what is needed. He tells me all the time that if I need money I can drive to his work and he'll give it to me - but he doesn't think about the possibility of his pregnant wife running out of gas (it's happened at least three times already).

Sorry to hijack the thread, just frustrated feeling like he doesn't think this is a big deal...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> I agree with Lionel. Having separate accounts is like having a pre-nup - an acknowledgement that things might go wrong, rather than an absolute committment.
> 
> Seems like people with separate accounts got married later in life (post 30) or are on a second marriage, whereas young first marriages have joint accounts.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have always had separate accounts and we got married in our 20s. It is just the way we do things..has nothing to do with trust.

We split all expenses and have our own closets for clothes (that was sort of a joke since you mentioned closet!)

My point is it works great for us and we never argue about money.

As for purchases, she never has to "ask" me if she can buy something or vice versa! She works just as hard as I do and after we pay our expenses and save what we save she can do whatever she wants with the money she earned..and, of course, so can I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is us as well. I understand and intellectually accept that a married couple could have separate accounts, but know it would not work for me. Perhaps if I had married later in life and/or had children from a previous relationship, but in a first marriage relatively young (we were both 26 when we got married), I just could not imagine any other way. I trusted her with everything else, so trusting her with my (now our) money just made sense.


:iagree:

We were both 21 when we got married and have had joint everything ever since. I don't want to offend anyone here but I have never believed in the "separate but equal" theory. When my wife and I got married, we became one ... in everything. I totally understand the desirability of financial independence. I've seen all of the Lifetime movies where the battered housewife couldn't leave her abusive husband because he controlled all the money and she was totally dependent on him, but by setting up separate accounts and parsing out financial duties (you pay this and I'll pay that) seems to be setting the situation up for a possible quick escape ... just in case things don't work out. Maybe I am naive and have an outmoded, traditional view of the world and marriage but I can't see not sharing everything.

Again, not judging others and have no wish to offend anyone ... just my humble opinion.


----------



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm actually rather surprised by the number of people who seem to see not fully merging finances as implying an ulterior motive of some kind. My viewpoint is that marriage and money only overlap by coincidence, at best, and only because money is an issue that everyone has to deal with in life. I don't think how money is handled reflects the trust or commitment inherent in a relationship. My wife and I may have separate bank accounts, but we also have separate sets of clothes, and we take different medications, and we have different preferences regarding food. I don't see the "issue" of whether money is stored and accounted in one place as a measure of a relationship or its strength. In fact, I see them as extremely unrelated.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I have two accounts of mine and we have a joint. I handle the finances (funny this thread pops up, I just paid all the bills 10 minutes ago lol).

It's always been like this, our money is pooled together.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Both our names and in some cases just my name (by his decision) are on all our accounts, but, the way he has our finances arranged is so complicated I wouldn't even know where to begin if god forbid I had to handle them without him. 

I'd be very uncomfortable if we had separate accounts for the sake of keeping the other out.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I can completely understand different couples dividing the responsibilities and teaming in a way that fits their personalities. In our case, my wife is the one who is good at managing the household and the money. I'm not. It only makes sense for me to let her handle what she handles well. I excel at other things. It's just how we divide our responsibilities and work as a team.


----------



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> ...It's OUR money not his, or mine.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

We have joint.


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

mgperkow said:


> ...My viewpoint is that marriage and money only overlap by coincidence, at best, and only because money is an issue that everyone has to deal with in life.


Regardless of anyone's attitude towards money, money and family finance is a critical part of any marriage (unless both spouses are independently wealthy). Multiple studies have shown that the top reason (are at least at the top) for marital discord and divorce is money, and the associated problems it has.



mgperkow said:


> ...I don't think how money is handled reflects the trust or commitment inherent in a relationship.


I couldn't disagree more. How money is handled is crucial to trust. If I kept my wife in the dark about a single account we own, or if she were squirreling away money without me knowing or if one of us used money on any meaningful expense without consulting the other, that would first and foremost show a lack of respect for the other spouse, but secondly, it would show a lack of trust. 



mgperkow said:


> ...My wife and I may have separate bank accounts, but we also have separate sets of clothes, and we take different medications, and we have different preferences regarding food.


Separate clothes, separate medications and preferences in food can't affect the entire marriage and are a totally different matter. For something so crucial as finance in a relationship, it is in a class by itself, just like love, sex and being friends with your spouse.




mgperkow said:


> ...I don't see the "issue" of whether money is stored and accounted in one place as a measure of a relationship or its strength. In fact, I see them as extremely unrelated.


The issue is not one of accounting or bookkeeping. To me, its not even about ease of management (one set of ledgers as opposed to multiple). Rather, it is about being ONE as a couple. Look back over this entire thread and when you read posts where there are separate accounts, you see things like "*My* account...*her* purchase...*his* money...*his* responsibility...*her* responsibility." 

With joint accounts, you tend to hear the word *Ours* a lot.
Again, just my opinion and if separate accounts work for you and your spouse, it is certainly not my place to tell anyone otherwise.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Regardless of anyone's attitude towards money, money and family finance is a critical part of any marriage (unless both spouses are independently wealthy). Multiple studies have shown that the top reason (are at least at the top) for marital discord and divorce is money, and the associated problems it has.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think there are arguments for both sides but as I said in an earlier post my wife and I have always had separate accounts and I don't think we have ever argued about money (maybe once but I am not sure even if that happened!)

For us it is very simple. We both work hard, pay the bills, save, etc. but when it comes to buying things for ourselves outside of joint responsibilities, there never has to be a discussion. For example, last year when my wife bought a new car she just went out and bought one...it is her car to drive to work and to use so in this case there was nothing to discuss. The same holds true for me.

I have no reason to doubt her financial integrity and she has no reason to doubt mine. We have agreed not to accrue debt (other than our mortgage) so there is never a problem of overspending. 

So I agree that how money is handled is crucial to trust and the way it works with us, there seems to be complete trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

Well, it seems to be a matter of perspective, in my opinion. Perhaps I should place my previous words in better context. I am also speaking to the matter as I see it, but I acknowledge that what works for my wife and myself doesn't necessarily work for everyone, or perhaps even seem appropriate to them.

Money can certainly lead to fights when you don't have enough of it, or when you don't agree with how it is used, but it would seem to me that those fights are primarily out of frustration. Any disagreement between a couple that causes frustration can lead to discord and fighting, perhaps even choices of clothing or food. It depends on how the two people function as a couple, and how they approach the handling of disagreements. From my perspective, money just happens to be a common source of strife, but I don't see it as inherently special in that regard.

And I, for one, don't see any less trust in our marriage for our practices, nor does my wife. One could argue that hiding _anything_ in a marriage, be it money, objects, or even feelings, is a sign of disrespect. I just don't see money as unique in that regard. And we're not _hiding_ anything, nor attempting to deceive one another. As we see it, we could just as well store all of our clothes in one closet (to reference an earlier comparison), but since we already have our clothes stored separately, why change it? Since we already have our respective monies in separate accounts, and there just isn't a good reason (as we see it) to change that, we're just continuing to do what we've always done. Like I was getting at earlier, it seems like some people think there is a specific motive or meaning behind the "decision" to have separate accounts. But what if there was no "decision" involved? We each had our accounts before we got married, then we got married, and we just didn't combine them. It's just never popped up as an important "to-do" item. If we were to get another account of some kind, for some reason, it would likely be in both our names, since we'd both probably have decided, together, to open it. If one of us lost our job, and no longer had access to a regular stream of income, then it would probably be worth taking the extra steps, going through the extra trouble, to have extra cards and checks and such issued for the other account for that person, and I doubt we'd then go through the trouble of changing all that back later on. At that point, it would again be unnecessary to change the (new) _status quo_.

I think the difference may be that we simply don't view money as a core marital issue, all by itself. To us, it's a number; an important one, but still a number. It's no different to us than managing the rest of the household. We divide up the chores. We divide up the cooking. We divide up the handling of money. To us, it's simply not an issue of any significant kind. But, obviously, to other people, it is, and I can respect that. I just happen to have a different viewpoint on the subject, and I find it disconcerting that there seems to be a continuing implication that going through the process of combining accounts is always automatically "better" somehow. In the end, to us, it's just something extra that there's no need to do.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> I couldn't disagree more. How money is handled is crucial to trust. If I kept my wife in the dark about a single account we own, or if she were squirreling away money without me knowing or if one of us used money on any meaningful expense without consulting the other, that would first and foremost show a lack of respect for the other spouse, but secondly, it would show a lack of trust.


I could equally make the argument that if a spouse requires joint accounts to monitor the others actions that would show a lack of trust. In *our* case separate accounts have worked well for over 25 years and we have absolute and complete trust in each others fiscal decisions.


----------



## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

We have two joint checking accounts and one joint savings.
Discuss all major purchases.

He puts a portion (majority) of his paycheck into the checking account (mine) and I pay all bills from it. He puts balance of his paycheck in the other checking account (his) and uses that money for his daily expenses and things he wants.

It works well for us because technically they are shared accounts, but we make our purchases alot with debit card and this prohibits us from overdrawing an account since we dont' know what purchases the other has made.


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I could equally make the argument that if a spouse requires joint accounts to monitor the others actions that would show a lack of trust. In *our* case separate accounts have worked well for over 25 years and we have absolute and complete trust in each others fiscal decisions.


Good point. I think it is a bit of a "chicken & the egg" type of scenario but with a different slant. Do you have joint accounts to monitor the other person or to show that you have nothing to hide? A matter of perspective I guess. Having separate accounts can obviously work as multiple people on this thread have demonstrated. 

I wonder...is having separate accounts a "recent" thing (past couple of decades) or has it always been this way? I wonder what the percentage breakdown between joint or separate account couples have been over time. Just curious.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

As I said before, I could not do separate accounts, but will admit that this is colored by watching another couple do this. He made quite a bit more than she did, yet everything was split evenly. We went out to dinner with them, and they would each pay their portion of the check. Groceries, utilities, even vacations were paid for 50/50, to the point that he would stay longer or go without her because she could not afford to go.

Even if my wife worked (she is a teacher by training), my salary would be far greater. I just could not imagine a scenario like above. I know that this is an outlier, but it really turned me (and my wife) off to the idea of separate accounts. 

All that being said, what works best is what each couple agrees upon together.


----------



## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Funny, my wife and I opened a joint account before marriage and as soon as we were married we closed all individual accounts. Everything went into the joint account. It never even occurred to us to maintain individual accounts.

Even looking at it in writing it seems weird: individual=single, married=joint. Anyway I know many people keep separate accounts and are fine with it, however to me it seems like just another divider. What I make is for us and what she makes is for us.

Just seems like more of a headache to me, who pays what bills or splitting the mortgage. I find it more fair and easier to put all money in one pot and everything gets paid from there.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Good point. I think it is a bit of a "chicken & the egg" type of scenario but with a different slant. Do you have joint accounts to monitor the other person or to show that you have nothing to hide? A matter of perspective I guess. Having separate accounts can obviously work as multiple people on this thread have demonstrated.
> 
> I wonder...is having separate accounts a "recent" thing (past couple of decades) or has it always been this way? I wonder what the percentage breakdown between joint or separate account couples have been over time. Just curious.


See earlier in the thread but to summarize, we have always had separate accounts. Two separate checking accounts (Free) at the same credit union. The accounts are in both our names and the checks have both our names on them. Two separate savings accounts, same institution. One in her name, one in mine. We each have signature rights on them and can access or transfer money freely.. Other accounts, (401K, IRA, 529, HSA and investment portfolios) are in our individual names with survivorship rights to the other. We each have a list of all the accounts and the passwords to each of them. We have separate credit cards that are tied to our bank accounts so we have free access to look at them whenever. When the statements for either the CCs or investments come, whoever gets the mail and opens them for review. Doesn't matter who. We simply don't need to check up on each other. Complete trust. Any purchase over $500 we discuss first.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I know this is an old thread, but someone linked it in a new one on a similar topic.

I just want to thank the OP, and the other married contributors in the thread who have chosen to have separate accounts. That's the road my wife and I have chosen, and it's worked out perfectly fine for us so far. It's really beneficial, and comforting, to see people married far longer than us who have made it work long term.

We aren't against merging accounts at some point, but so far that hasn't felt necessary, and money issues haven't been a problem with us. But it's just really good to see others bucking the combination status quo, and living to tell about it lol!


----------

