# Sex in Marriage



## husky1234 (Aug 1, 2013)

Hi 

I am new to this forum and hoping to find some resolution to my issues! 

I have been married for 2 years now and in total together near 10, we always had a great sex life however over the past year year she does not want sex with me, no real reasons at all.

I feel like walking away but i think that is the easy solution and i am committed to my marriage 110%.

The concerns i have is that she has been on anti depressents for over a year now and she sometimes forgets to take them, i do believe they are having an affect on her issues. I heard her say she is not sexually attracted to me which i do not think is nice and i have no issues in the sex department so i do not understand.

Any help would be appreciated


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

u answered ur own question - Anti Depressent!

any chance u are able find other alternatives?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Which antidepressant is she taking? Wellbutrin is a mild antidepressant that does not have a negative affect on a person's sex drive as most other antidepressants will kill the sex drive entirely. 


The brain requires certain hormones in order for certain feelings to be present, joy, happiness and other positive emotions require seritonin and other endorphins. A depressed person lacks those hormones and they also have an abundance or cortisol, a stress hormone. Oxytocin is a vital hormone for feeling of love and bonding. Antidepressants manipulate the serotonin and endorphin levels in the brain, but they do not manipulate cortisol (stress) or oxytocin (love/bonding) however like any good bartender knows, mixing various ingredients in varying amounts produces varying tastes. 

Sexual attraction comes about when the right hormones are being produced. You and your wife had that happen naturally but the antidepressant as well as the initial depression have played havoc on her feelings and how she interprets and experiences them.

I say all this to try to take the sting out of her rejection. Try not to take it personally, although I am sure it is very hard not to.

Be affectionate. Affection produces surges in oxytocin. Do something active together, this increases endorphins. Do something together that requires her trust, such as....jumping off a high dive while holding hands (sorry lousy example but you get my drift) because this produces oxytocin and cortisol together which will really help because she is stressed (cortisol) and alert (adrenalin) but she is touching you (oxytocin) and she has to trust you (double oxytocin) and if she laughs and giggles or has a sense of accomplishment afterward you now have an assortment of endorphins that increase all other positive feelings.

But most antidepressants tend to mask strong feelings as they are meant to level a person, making them not feel the depths, but also not feel the highs. 

Switch to Wellbutrin.
Do lots of active fun things together.
Be affectionate.
Then you must be honest with yourself and her. Your needs are important too. Her depression requires TLC, but does not mean you cater to her whims. 

My Dad used to say, "Marriage is never 50/50, more like 90/10. The trick is taking turns on who has the 10 and who has the 90."


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Wow! 2 years in and already she is not attracted to you? Here is the news you don't want to hear, it will only get worse. Anti-depressents or not, she should still be all over you at this stage in your marriage. 
For what its worth, my own xw had some issues, started taking anti-depressents. She was having trouble having an O. I suggested that she check with her doctor about changing her meds, as it was listed as a possible side effects of the med. She cancelled the appointment I set up for her. Come to find out it wasn't the medicine, but the fact that she was involved in her 2nd affair. (didn't even know about the first until found out about the 2nd). Not saying this is what is going on in your relationship, but her not being attracted to you is a big red flag for me. Either way, great that you are dedicated to your marriage, but my question would be is she? Is she trying hard to fix this problem? Is she dedicated to doing what it takes? Is she acknowledging that she is hurting you/your relationship?


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## husky1234 (Aug 1, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> Wow! 2 years in and already she is not attracted to you? Here is the news you don't want to hear, it will only get worse. Anti-depressents or not, she should still be all over you at this stage in your marriage.
> For what its worth, my own xw had some issues, started taking anti-depressents. She was having trouble having an O. I suggested that she check with her doctor about changing her meds, as it was listed as a possible side effects of the med. She cancelled the appointment I set up for her. Come to find out it wasn't the medicine, but the fact that she was involved in her 2nd affair. (didn't even know about the first until found out about the 2nd). Not saying this is what is going on in your relationship, but her not being attracted to you is a big red flag for me. Either way, great that you are dedicated to your marriage, but my question would be is she? Is she trying hard to fix this problem? Is she dedicated to doing what it takes? Is she acknowledging that she is hurting you/your relationship?



Hi Thanks for response 

She is totally committed in wanting the marriage to work that is for sure. She wants to fix the problem but does not know how too. She knows its tough but just wants a resolution to sort it all out


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## husky1234 (Aug 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Which antidepressant is she taking? Wellbutrin is a mild antidepressant that does not have a negative affect on a person's sex drive as most other antidepressants will kill the sex drive entirely.
> 
> 
> The brain requires certain hormones in order for certain feelings to be present, joy, happiness and other positive emotions require seritonin and other endorphins. A depressed person lacks those hormones and they also have an abundance or cortisol, a stress hormone. Oxytocin is a vital hormone for feeling of love and bonding. Antidepressants manipulate the serotonin and endorphin levels in the brain, but they do not manipulate cortisol (stress) or oxytocin (love/bonding) however like any good bartender knows, mixing various ingredients in varying amounts produces varying tastes.
> ...


Hi thanks for reply 

She is on Fluoxetine


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If she is on an SSRI it can suppress libido and make orgasm near impossible. 

I take Zoloft, I find that side effect is more pronounced when I up or skip a dose. It becomes more manageable if I am very regular with my dose for 4 weeks or longer.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

husky1234 said:


> Hi thanks for reply
> 
> She is on Fluoxetine


Yup, that one can take away her ability to orgasm. Talk to her about that, find ways to play with her that are enjoyable to her that don't need to lead to climax.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Wow! 2 years in and already she is not attracted to you? Here is the news you don't want to hear, it will only get worse. Anti-depressents or not, she should still be all over you at this stage in your marriage.
> For what its worth, my own xw had some issues, started taking anti-depressents. She was having trouble having an O. I suggested that she check with her doctor about changing her meds, as it was listed as a possible side effects of the med. She cancelled the appointment I set up for her. Come to find out it wasn't the medicine, but the fact that she was involved in her 2nd affair. (didn't even know about the first until found out about the 2nd). Not saying this is what is going on in your relationship, but her not being attracted to you is a big red flag for me. Either way, great that you are dedicated to your marriage, but my question would be is she? Is she trying hard to fix this problem? Is she dedicated to doing what it takes? Is she acknowledging that she is hurting you/your relationship?


Nope. He said they were together for 10 years and were married for 2 of them. IMHO, once you commit to living at the same address, then that is when you start the clock. So if they dated for 2 years and then moved in together, their "marriage" is actually 8 years long.

But OP, it is most likely the anti-depressant that is causing the lowered libido in your wife. However, it doesn't hurt to rule out an affair - especially if you see red flags like guarding a smartphone, going out with friends more, a sudden urge to lose weight, wearing sexier clothes to work, etc...


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## husky1234 (Aug 1, 2013)

I have no reason to believe there is an affair / 3rd party involved. That was one of the first questions i asked!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What reasons did she give for not being sexually attracted to you? This is part of the answer so you likely will need to find out what needs to happen.

Have you gained weight?

Do you present a confident, respectable man to her?

What are your hobbies?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

husky1234 said:


> I have no reason to believe there is an affair / 3rd party involved. That was one of the first questions i asked!


You don't just ask. You should do your own little investigation. As much as I like to have faith in the honesty of human beings, we have a tendency to lie in order to protect ourselves from harm...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Your wife does not feel close to you anymore... sad thing is you can try and try and likely nothing will change unless you push it to divorce...sad reality.

I would start this process with a very frank discussion of how this is totally unacceptable and that you are holding her fully accountable.

Then settle in for the ride. Prepare to be sexless for a while...until later when it will get better.
Don't be a doormat be a thorn in her side to DO SOMETHING!

Have to get her out of her comfort zone. When she says "maybe" to divorce you will have won. Then you'll know she finds the situation unacceptable ALSO.

Do not give up on what you want.

I have no problem getting up in the face of my wife if she is WRONG.
Face it what gives your wife the audacity to throttle sex in your marriage? Nothing she is WRONG.

Now take care of 
"your side of the street also"

and hold your wife fully accountable for her side of the street!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I agree with those saying the AD is likely the culprit. I have a friend who recently went on Prozac and went from 3x/week to never ever wanting sex. It was also impossible for her to orgasm even with a strong vibrator.

Sadly the prozac was doing wonders for her depression and anxiety. ADs give and ADs take away.

Is your wife seeing a therapist? If not it might be a good time to find one. She can deal with her issues faster and perhaps eliminate the need for the AD. 

I would try to not take it personally although I am sure that is easier said than done.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> I agree with those saying the AD is likely the culprit. I have a friend who recently went on Prozac and went from 3x/week to never ever wanting sex. It was also impossible for her to orgasm even with a strong vibrator.
> 
> Sadly the prozac was doing wonders for her depression and anxiety. ADs give and ADs take away.
> 
> ...


The reason she is on antidepressants is obvious same reason OP is not having sex.

Her priorities are all messed up.... anti-depressants are a cop out.

Good call on therapy if she will go.

What HAS to happen is for your wife to DEAL WITH HER RESENTMENTS.

It all on her to do that.


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## husky1234 (Aug 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> What reasons did she give for not being sexually attracted to you? This is part of the answer so you likely will need to find out what needs to happen.
> 
> Have you gained weight?
> 
> ...


Thanks

If anything i have lost weight with the worry i give myself, i am only 13 stone! I am totally confident to her and am very proud to have her as my wife! With regards to hobbies, we bioth share the same interests from water skiing to bikes etc, she does her gym etc and i play golf or football 

Sometimes she says herself her head is all over the place and it may be the AD


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

husky1234 said:


> Thanks
> 
> If anything i have lost weight with the worry i give myself, i am only 13 stone! I am totally confident to her and am very proud to have her as my wife! With regards to hobbies, we bioth share the same interests from water skiing to bikes etc, she does her gym etc and i play golf or football
> 
> Sometimes she says herself her head is all over the place and it may be the AD


Or it may just be her. Reality will set in soon you will eventually see your wife for what she is. Its not you. Only thing you can do is affect change in her. Get her focused on getting you sex.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Trying - with all due respect you do not know this woman nor do you know why she is on medication. 

I agree that in some cases medication can be a crutch by those who are unwilling to make necessary changes.

However there are also numerous lives saved by these medications and people who go from living a happy life to wanting to die for no apparent reason other than a change in brain chemistry.

I can assure you that in some people ADs kill a sex drive. This woman may have no resentment for her husband.


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## husky1234 (Aug 1, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Trying - with all due respect you do not know this woman nor do you know why she is on medication.
> 
> I agree that in some cases medication can be a crutch by those who are unwilling to make necessary changes.
> 
> ...


Hi 

I think i do know my wife, it is very very hard to be with someone who one days wants to be married and have kids then 2 days later she is all over the place. She was given medication a few years back as she was depressed and was on a downward spiral when seen her loose weight till she was near 7 stone with an obsession to exercise etc etc - she has came through all that but still on 20mg of Fluxtione a day, i may suggest she speak to her doctor about the current dosage


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, take what T2 is saying with a grain of salt. You have no idea at this point if he correctly "diagnosed" your situation or if he's using his personal experiences to interpret your situation. Make sure you use Occham's razor and start with the simplest explanations, test them and go into the more complicated ones as you go. I still believe it's always in your best interest to do a cursory investigation to ensure that your wife is not cheating on you. It's still the most common reason why a spouse suddenly pulls away from their partner. Most likely she's changed due to the meds. If she's on the meds because of your marriage, then perhaps the meds are hiding an underlying cause. Otherwise, it's probably big reason and you should explore looking into changing the prescription to something less likely to cause LD.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

husky1234 said:


> Hi
> 
> I think i do know my wife, it is very very hard to be with someone who one days wants to be married and have kids then 2 days later she is all over the place. She was given medication a few years back as she was depressed and was on a downward spiral when seen her loose weight till she was near 7 stone with an obsession to exercise etc etc - she has came through all that but still on 20mg of Fluxtione a day, i may suggest she speak to her doctor about the current dosage


OP, with the very little information provided, I am still tempted to offer some compassion for your situation 

What you have written above about your wife does sound a bit like a person "lost". Trying to find their meaning, direction, purpose, in life. Meds do help with the depression, if the cause is merely a chemical imbalance.

If the cause is the elusive "finding your purpose in life".... that is much deeper work to resolve. It is difficult to put oneself in a vulnerable position emotionally (sexually) when your mind isn't sure of which direction to take. Focusing on happiness from looking perfect, keeping yourself super busy, maintaining the society standard.... and still not happy. Hmmm.

May I ask how old you both are?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

husky1234 said:


> Hi
> 
> I am new to this forum and hoping to find some resolution to my issues!
> 
> ...



Why would she be on antidepressants in the first place?

If you haven't already done so, switch to another brand and see if that works.

Go to marriage counseling together and marriage workshops.

There is also a possibility she is seeing someone else. EA (emotional affair), PA (physical affair), sexting, etc. Do some digging and make sure its not this.

There is no way she can just kill the sex in your marriage and be clueless about it. She can always give you hand jobs, foot jobs, or oral.


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