# 24 years of my blindness and gullibility



## Caterina (Sep 26, 2011)

I didn't want to try and recount all 24 years here, but this is still lengthy. Forgive me for rambling. Bottom line is, he's a drinker, a manipulator, won't support our family, is happy to let me be the bread winner, guilts me and spins the argument everytime I try to confront him on growing up and sobering up, has been physically abusive in the past, remains verbally and emotionally abusive and treats me with no respect whatsoever.

We've been to several counselors including our pastor, and most recently he spent 2 years seeing a 'Christian' counselor on his own. The reason I put it in quotes is I'm thoroughly disgusted with the total lack of progress, no path to healing and the fact that this guy allowed him to manipulate the situation apparently. He milked us for 2 years. The first few sessions, we both attended. I started with my biggie. The fact that after a series of career failures, we put him through college and he announced to me upon graduation (after $40K in student loan balances built up) that he wasn't going to be a teacher afterall and he was going to work in the business that I had started. No discussion, no 'what do you think, Honey?' He just informed me. The first thing out of the counselor's mouth, 'Well, I'm sure you enjoy working together too." The counselor completely blew past the fact that my husband didn't consult with me, didn't consider what would be best for our family, and didn't respect me enough to seek my opinion. 

His work ethic is something I've known is a problem for years. I was stupid to be taken in by his promises once again. His attitude kills his jobs after 1-3 yrs consistently. He started out going for a business degree. I know better. He's not cut out for it. He has dreams of big paychecks, but doesn't have what it takes. He's failed at it so many times, and even the counselor pointed out almost immediately that he's 15-17 years old emotionally and has a sense of entitlement issue. He's a long time soccer player and truly comes alive when he coaches AYSO. I tried to encourage him toward a career he would mesh with and be successful at, and I suggested teaching and coaching. I didn't force, just tried to encourage and point out the good aspects of the job and how he really blossomed working with the kids. I truly want him to find something he'll be successful at and become 'whole' in his career. I know that this is a big part of what gives a man his identity and sense of well being. He graduated with a 3.8, but had a tough assignment for his student teaching bout.  An overcrowded high school with a remedial science class. He taught some business courses as well and did great, but the science class turned him off completely. He made the decision he wasn't going to do it, and never even considered our security, benefits, or putting all the weight on me for our financial security. 

I'm a real estate appraiser and started a home based business 10 years ago. It has done well, and he's totally capitalized on the situation. He told me he wanted to become an appraiser. Fine. (I'm dumb and gullible. I gave it a try even knowing his character) 8 years later, the man will take no responsibility whatsoever for his career. Won't learn a thing on his own. I have to spoon feed him every shred of information he learns and he's not a willing learner. He rebels against me constantly. He won't accept any accountablilty for errors, makes excuses, denies, etc. 

About the same time he forced his way into the appraisal business with me, we had a huge blow out. He lied to me about a big purchase, and then lied some more to cover it all up. He did what he usually does, drink too much in response and took off for the night. I was done. He was gone in my mind. The next day, he slunk back in and told me we would go to church and he'd quit drinking. Called a pastor and set up counseling. Really? Well....Ok. Ya. That ruse lasted for about a year. He made all sorts of excuses why church wasn't his thing, etc. He never did quit drinking. 

I am a slow learner. It has taken me years of this pattern before I'm finally done. He's lost respect, as hey, I've always put up with it before. He shows me no emotion, no flirting, no compliments and really never has. I'm fairly convinced that all I am is his meal ticket. He's very inconsiderate, rude, anti social and often chooses his alcohol and drinking buddies over me and the kids. 

There are thousands of examples of his flat out disregard for me, my feelings and basically anything that would make him face his demons. I have finally quit lying to myself and realized, as painful as it is, that I really don't think he ever did love me. 

I am breaking under the weight of being financially responsible for our family, and being the boss of an insolent, rude 47 year old teenager. I am responsible for his work product, and he makes no effort whatsoever to get out from under this situation by learning or taking any initiative to be an appraiser. 

I feel so let down by him, the counselors, our pastor (tells me I need to be the one to forgive and take up the slack. Read Isaiah and persevere he says.) Really??? This Proverbs 31 wife has had it. Where are the Christian men with the hudzpah to grab a brother by the collar and tell him it's time to straighten up? Make him accountable? 

How long am I expected to hold up under this weight and responsiblity, all the while being lied to, disrespected, emotionally and verbally abused, and watch him pickle himself while I pay for it? He doesn't love me. He makes it plain with his actions. He loves our home, the kids while they're little enough to worship him (the older ones, not so much), and he enjoys not having to go out in the world and grow up. 

He will drive while drunk, get nasty with all of us, and generally make us all miserable, particularly on weekends.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm not the most attentive house keeper, although I will deep clean and organize when I get sick of it. The house isn't septic, but I'm not an OCD housekeeper like his mom. I love to cook for my family, I'm smart, I like to read, enjoy history and politics and probably am a bit stubborn and opinionated (I'm an appraiser. It's kind of part of the territory). In the past few years, under the weight of this situation, I've become burnt out. I spend more time on the computer and in the office than I should. Largely seeking an escape and human interaction. I seek the intelligent conversations and friendship I'm not getting at home. Entirely innocent, in fact, non of my online friends even know there are problems at home. He runs that fact into the ground anytime I bring up the problems we're having and that I really need to find resolution. He will offer me no resolution, no compromise, no admittance that he has acted without consideration or thought to me or our family. 

I'm so fried. I've prayed until I can't anymore about this. God can't change his free will. He has to want to be fixed. I want a separation at this point as I'm sure that my presence only insulates him from the realities and I'm sure I'm still co-dependent to some degree.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Hi Caterina, I'm also a churchgoer so I suspect we probably share the same inner conflict about trying to face the issue of divorce...it's very difficult. I hope your long message helped you feel a little better...sometimes it is helpful just to write it out. I keep a journal, for that reason. 

As religious people, we both probably believe that there is always hope for reconciliation, if the two adults involved are willing to make the effort. I've been married just over 20 years now, and have been hanging on mainly because of guilt, financial concerns, and a desire to shelter our one daughter (who's 16 now) from the financial and social fallout of a divorce. My wife doesn't really want a divorce, but I think she's starting to realize that its just never going to work for us. Neither of us is perfect, we both have problems that trouble the other, but more important I think is that we really have such different personalities that we are always working against each other. It's exhausting.

I wish you luck...this forum seems like a good place for help, advice, and a friendly ear.


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## Litdr (Jun 17, 2013)

Caterina, hope you are doing well. Please update us.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

09-26-2011, 05:21 AM

Its a OLD thread,


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Caterina said:


> I didn't want to try and recount all 24 years here, but this is still lengthy. Forgive me for rambling. Bottom line is, he's a drinker, a manipulator, won't support our family, is happy to let me be the bread winner, guilts me and spins the argument everytime I try to confront him on growing up and sobering up, has been physically abusive in the past, remains verbally and emotionally abusive and treats me with no respect whatsoever.
> 
> We've been to several counselors including our pastor, and most recently he spent 2 years seeing a 'Christian' counselor on his own. The reason I put it in quotes is I'm thoroughly disgusted with the total lack of progress, no path to healing and the fact that this guy allowed him to manipulate the situation apparently. He milked us for 2 years. The first few sessions, we both attended. I started with my biggie. The fact that after a series of career failures, we put him through college and he announced to me upon graduation (after $40K in student loan balances built up) that he wasn't going to be a teacher afterall and he was going to work in the business that I had started. No discussion, no 'what do you think, Honey?' He just informed me. The first thing out of the counselor's mouth, 'Well, I'm sure you enjoy working together too." The counselor completely blew past the fact that my husband didn't consult with me, didn't consider what would be best for our family, and didn't respect me enough to seek my opinion.
> 
> ...



Sounds like you are babysitting an overgrown child. I can understand how all of this makes you feel but I do commend you for having a home based business and keeping up with it! So you have done counseling before? Marital and individual? What are your plans now that you know the counseling hasn't worked? Here is a good divorce resource I found online if you need the help. I'm always glad to talk too. Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Caterina, how are you?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

aine said:


> Caterina, how are you?


She's a zombie....


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## Caterina (Sep 26, 2011)

DayOne said:


> She's a zombie....


Wow. I know I've aged a bit, but really now.  

I just read back through this and had a horrific Ground Hog Day experience. I honestly hadn't realized I'd been onto the co-dependent thing for 5 solid years. Seems like it was a more recent awakening than that. Can you say 'hopelessly stuck?' 

I must thank aine for the inadvertant accountability reminder. Ya, it's definitely up to me to make the changes, isn't it? 

Let's see. I went to a different counselor for just me this time in late 2012. Got my own head straightened out and fired my husband from the home based business in April 2013. Pushed the birdie out of the nest for his and my own good, at least in terms of the job anyway. I've had two hospital bouts with stress related asthma that also pushed me into examining the need for an end to the torture I was allowing. My husband also attended counseling on his own at the same Christian based clinic for a brief time, and we did a few sessions together. Those never amounted to much, but I did gain a ton of help from my counselor. I've identified the disorders we both were stricken with and made strides toward my own healing. Him? Well, he's a narcissist and the prognosis isn't real promising as N folks don't ever seem to see their own need for change. Their psyche isn't wired to accept true self recognition. They live in a fantasy world of sorts. Countless attempts have been made, believe me. (I'm a co-dependent, dontchaknow. You know I've fallen off the wagon and tried to fix him, right?) 

I have been close to ending it many times over the last 4 years. Even consulted with a divorce attorney at one point. I changed my mind about a month ago as I prepared myself for the likelihood of my own children hating my guts for an unknown period of time. You see, he has toned down his drinking and offensive behaviors to a degree where he is almost tolerable. The dysfunctional lack of emotion, compassion, and inability to see me as a human being with feelings and a heart is still there. The shallow, false shell of relationship remains, but he's fashioned himself into a much more presentable, tolerable self to the outside world and to our girls, such that I'm the bad guy now if I push him out the door. -_- 

I will probably end up waiting until my youngest is out of school and be 58 frigging years old. Nice. 

At least the more tolerable version of a faux husband and man is more easily dealt with.


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## Riptide (Nov 2, 2015)

Hi Caterina

I am sorry not much has changed for you. Having a partner that is tolerable is not living and you deserve better. If you know in your heart that change is never going to happen and leaving is inevitable, do not torture your self by staying in misery. Toning down drinking and abuse is not much of a change. Do your self a favour and live the rest of your life happy


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I hope you find happiness doing things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Your daughters are probably smarter than you know and have an idea of what is going on. Good luck and I wish you happinesses and good health.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You must join Al-Anon as they will help you to deal with the co-dependent behaviour and realise on a daily basis that you cannot control his behaviour, you cannot make him love you, you cannot do any of those things you can only control yourself. You can stay in the marriage and learn to look after yourself and children and lovingly detach so as to protect yourself.


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