# Wife won't explore sexually!



## hockey17 (Sep 23, 2013)

I have been married to my beautiful wife for nine years. Our sex life has always been ok. She has very rarely initiated sex (which I know is common for most marriges). We have sex 2-3 times a week but it has no spice and is the same thing all the time. I do all of the foreplay with no return. 
I have expressed to her that I would like to try having sex during the day (if the opportunity presents itself). Or that it would be nice if she took control once in a while. At first she said she would try to work on it. 6 months to a year later, no change. then when I bring it up again she says I put to much pressure on her. 
I have built resentment over the years and have become angry at times. which I know does not help the cause nor is healthy for our marriage. We started seeing a marriage counselor about 6 months ago. He has helped me to deal with my anger and resentment issues but nothing has changed in our sex life. 
I get tempted to look at pornography. I have looked at it occasionally in the past and promised my wife that I would never look at it again. I want to share a great sex life with my life and I do not what else to do. I have been dealingg with this for years.

Thank for any advice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does the topic of your wife basically not participating in sex ever come up in counseling?

I cannot be of much help here because I cannot understand a person who takes no interest in sex and does not care about pleasing their spouse.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

If you have been trying for years - then there's nothing you can really do until she comes around, if she ever does. 2 - 3 times a week is not bad at all but I get what you are saying - she's never kinky and you have to do all the work. That sucks.

There's two types of women when it comes to sex: (1) the aggressive type that are kinky and completely into it or (2) the type that lays there and does it to please you after you initiate

Was she like this since the beginning of time or is it slowly getting worse and worse?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If she's not willing to at least work on it, you're out of luck. You can bring it up in counseling, and see if that leads to anything even a little better. She's either just not into it, or not into you, or has hang-ups of some sort - if the latter, there may be some hope of improvement beyond the "dead starfish position".

If there's no improvement - and I suspect there won't be - what will you do?


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

Man there is nothing wrong at looking at little porn, it has existed for centuries and is a normal behavior (within boundaries of course) 

Also, nothing wrong in taking care of your self, is healthy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Has she had a conservative or strongly religious upbringing or is she so now? Was she more adventurous when you dated or early in your marriage?


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## hockey17 (Sep 23, 2013)

She has always been like this, actually its gotten a bit better but we are talking ten years here. We have not got to deep into it in counseling yet. I have let my built up anger come out twice since I can remember. (nothing physical) yelling. It seems our counseling sessions have turned into the times I've blown up and "what in my childhood has made me angry". I am not proud of it but the thought that my wife does not want to MAKE SURE I am sexually satisfied is infuriating at times.
I am holding on to hope that she will change, so I am not sure what I will do if she doesn't. I am not a push over so I guess I would have to make some serious steps.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hockey,

You neglected to respond to the questions regarding your wife's upbringing. Seeing as how you are from the Mountain West this could be a very important piece of information.


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## hockey17 (Sep 23, 2013)

We recently moved to Idaho from Az. Oddly enough she was raised in a disfuncyional LDS family. Father died at young age mom not around. She was not intrenched in it. We are not LDS but we do go to church now. I may be naive but I do not think that is the issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hockey17 said:


> It seems our counseling sessions have turned into the times I've blown up and "what in my childhood has made me angry". I am not proud of it but the thought that my wife does not want to MAKE SURE I am sexually satisfied is infuriating at times.


You need to put an end to this in counseling. Your wife is trying to turn the tables on you to make you sound like you have anger problems because your frustration about a boring sex life got the better of you twice in 10 years. 

If you can find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist, insist that you two switch to that counselor.

In your next counseling session, you start it by saying that you need to talk about something that to you is the crux of the problem for you in your marriage. This problem is why you blew up twice, because you are frustrated to the point of being ready to divorce your wife over it. Her complete lack of care about your sex life. Her basically giving you duty sex instead of showing real desire and love during love making has made you feel undesirable and unloved. This is what you need to talk about.

If you need help with words, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it. I'd bring it to the session and hand it to your wife and ask her to read it so that the two of you can do what the book says to do.


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## hockey17 (Sep 23, 2013)

Yes, I had the opposite problem. Watch, he is going to turn out to be GAY! One day you will read my update . . .


???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hockey17 said:


> Yes, I had the opposite problem. Watch, he is going to turn out to be GAY! One day you will read my update . . .
> 
> 
> ???


I think that her husband has no interest in sex with her.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hockey, speaking from an Lds point of view I would tell you this is likely the crux of the issue. It is why I asked because I recognized it. You can get some help here but most here will not understand the religious dynamic (especially if she came from a dysfunctional LDS upbringing).

I will PM you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

By the way Ele you are giving excellent counsel. As usual.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2galsmom said:


> I hear about all these men with high sex drives and here my ex yelled at me once I DO NOT WANT SEX, but thankfully this thread is not all about me. EleGirl made me laugh in her failure to comprehend the situation.


I'm not sure why it's funny that I do not understand how a person can have so little interest in sex with their spouse? If there is no sexual interest in the person, why be married to them? My husband ended our sex life after a few years of marriage. Just stopped having sex with no explanation. I do not understand how a person can do this. Not being able to understand what goes on in the minds of cruel, cold people is not uncommon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RClawson said:


> By the way Ele you are giving excellent counsel. As usual.


Thanks


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Married but Happy;4417018 - if the latter said:


> WTF is dead starfish? In the Kama Sutra?


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

hockey17 said:


> I have been married to my beautiful wife for nine years. Our sex life has always been ok. She has very rarely initiated sex (which I know is common for most marriges). We have sex 2-3 times a week but it has no spice and is the same thing all the time. I do all of the foreplay with no return.
> I have expressed to her that I would like to try having sex during the day (if the opportunity presents itself). Or that it would be nice if she took control once in a while. At first she said she would try to work on it. 6 months to a year later, no change. then when I bring it up again she says I put to much pressure on her.
> I have built resentment over the years and have become angry at times. which I know does not help the cause nor is healthy for our marriage. We started seeing a marriage counselor about 6 months ago. He has helped me to deal with my anger and resentment issues but nothing has changed in our sex life.
> I get tempted to look at pornography. I have looked at it occasionally in the past and promised my wife that I would never look at it again. I want to share a great sex life with my life and I do not what else to do. I have been dealingg with this for years.
> ...


sounds like me a few years back. I really dont understand why most woman cant open there minds to sex? It feel good to them, why not see what it can really if you open ur mind. 

But I had the talk with her when she was reading 50 shades of grey. I thought it would be a perfect time. And we talked for days about it, we had some kinky fun different sex 3 times, then it stopped. that was a year ago. plus other problems now.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> WTF is dead starfish? In the Kama Sutra?


I am not laughing at this, I am not laughing at this but how can "dead" be a good position . . .


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## Tony69 (Sep 25, 2013)

hockey17 said:


> She has always been like this, actually its gotten a bit better but we are talking ten years here. We have not got to deep into it in counseling yet. I have let my built up anger come out twice since I can remember. (nothing physical) yelling. It seems our counseling sessions have turned into the times I've blown up and "what in my childhood has made me angry". I am not proud of it but the thought that my wife does not want to MAKE SURE I am sexually satisfied is infuriating at times.
> I am holding on to hope that she will change, so I am not sure what I will do if she doesn't. I am not a push over so I guess I would have to make some serious steps.


I understand your frustration because I had the same issue with my wife and I had to sit her down let her know explicitly and in details how I fel and what I want/need from her. This happened several times but the last time I think really hit home because my clothes were packed. I'm telling you to do the same thing but that was mine. In the midst of this I was praying about it as well which was the best thing I really could do. I would ask her to pray with you about this issue which shouldn't be an issue. Sex is a big part of marriage because it brings that husband and wife closer.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Hockey, as RClawson says, I think her religious upbringing may also play a role in this. 

I don't have any quick fixes but I do have a suggestion for getting closer to the heart of the matter. To get there, though, you have to put your own views on a back burner and be actively interested in learning about it without judgment. If she feels she will be criticized, you'll get absolutely nowhere. 

Since she already knows how you feel, it may take a few tries before she'll come to recognize that you really are trying to learn, not to manipulate her or get your way or judge her. 

I'd encourage you to start with an acknowledgment of your anger and inform her that you want to set that aside. "Honey, you know how upset I've been at times because you don't initiate sex as much as I'd like. Instead of getting angry, I'd like to understand what you're going through. Obviously, initiating is uncomfortable for you for some reason. Can you tell me what happens when you've tried?" 

You will probably find out that she either dislikes taking an aggressive role, or that she dislikes sex itself, or she dislikes you. Since you've been married this long and have had sex pretty regularly, I'd say the odds are greatest that it's aggressiveness that bothers her, but it could also be that sex itself causes her discomfort, especially if she was ever abused sexually. 

Once you've pinpointed which of these it is, you can start looking at it from a "what's important about that to you" position. "What's important about not being seen as aggressive?" 

Whatever her answer, take it deeper. "And what's important about that?" 

After 4-5 levels, you'll reach the spiritual, core issue for her. Once that's identified, you can start finding ways that her needs can be met in a way that frees her up to do what you'd like to see.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Folks you have no idea how the religious component is at the heart of this. I have been in contact with OP and recommended a counselor and sex therapist of our faith that helped me through some challenging times. She's the best. I hope he reaches out to her.


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## Renatta (Sep 26, 2013)

I agree with RClawson that her dysfunctional LDS upbringing has something to do with it. It sounds like you have a strong marriage otherwise and are willing to do the work to make it better. It might help to not take it personal but instead it is a deeper issue that has nothing to do with you.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good luck!! Hocky  you seem to have the right heart about this versus so many spouses. 

Unfortunately that may be who she is as hard as that is for many to relate to. My Sister in Law is much the same way, but much less sex. 

She has said for years to my wife, her husband, that SEX just isn't real big for her. Once a week is more than fine and it feels like work and pressure. 

Her husband is a perfect fit cause he would rather go play softball, games, or brew beer it seems anyway.

Not everyone is on the same sexual level nor are we supposed to be. Good luck in finding a balance!


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