# Question about wife and work related friends



## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

My wife and I have been married three years, together five. I consider our marriage strong, and yes, I am a worrier. She works for a large company and works from home frequently. Yesterday I was home and I saw some of her work related chats on the screen. She didn't seem to mind that I saw. She chats with a lot of guys from her work, about work related stuff. But there's one guy that she chats with mostly about stuff that doesn't have to do with work. This guy flirts with her, calling her pretty, saying he likes her. He knows that she's married. I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned. I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?

My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Can you give an example of the chat dialogue? It's possible you are misreading but also possible that your wife is playing into it and enjoys the attention. Impossible to tell without an example!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree, I'd like to see an example of the chat dialogue. You said she's not responding in kind. There are some guys that just won't take a freaking hint, and that's just the way that they are... and it may be easier for her to just put up with it, than make a stink with HR. Offices can be political, and she may just be trying to play nice and not rock the boat.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Thanks for the responses. I'll have to see if I can get a sample of the chat transcript to post here.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

I have a feeling she enjoys the attention. I know she loves being flirted with, for other people to tell her she's pretty. I guess all women do.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Not respectful of your marriage. Sometimes a little playful is ok, but is he cute isn't appropriate.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I'd advise you not to play ostrich. If he was her type you really think she would tell you that.

And stop making excuses for her about liking attention. millions of women like attention and do not start to get inappropriate with work colleagues. I suggest you say nothing as long as you have access to her communications but i sure would not make believe bits not happening

you might want to get her the book "Not Just Friends" and if she reads it you will see how she reacts. The workplace is now the incubator of more affairs than anywhere else, and they are the hardest to detect and hardest to stop. i would not forget that


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I might be totally wrong here, but just from that chat alone, I can't really see anything remotely resembling the nature of a smoking gun!*


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

This will give an idea of why we need a chat dialogue: I have men who will email me for work and call me sweetie, beautiful, ect. I will typically just pretend they said nothing. Example: 

Collegue: Hi, beautiful. I wanted to let you know that the accountant will be by tomorrow to bring you the reports you need.
Me: Thanks
**end**

If someone gets particularly flirty I mention my husband and kids but I typically do not say "Leave me alone, as I am MARRIED!". Mainly because I am the ED and marketing is very important to me.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I think an important place to start is communicate with your wife. Regardless of whether or not the emails/texts responses from your wife are inappropriate or not, if the emails/texts from this co-worker are making you feel uncomfortable and you feel they are crossing boundaries than your feelings should be relayed to your wife.

Anybody that is flirting with your wife isn't respecting your marriage and is therefor a threat to it. I'm not saying that you're wife is doing anything wrong and do not go into attack mode because it will blow up in your face but you should as respectfully as possible share your feelings on this with your wife.

Many an affair has been started by a co worker grooming a perfectly content and loyal spouse with "innocent" flirting and compliments. Then one day after a particularly bad argument, your spouse is hearing all about how he would treat her better and yadda, yadda, yadda. We all know h the rest plays out.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Maybe a little too flirty for my taste, but nothing in the SIL dialog that I would be too worried about. The dialog with the coworker would be something I'd like to see. If it becomes a problem report it to her work. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I have a feeling she enjoys the attention. I know she loves being flirted with, for other people to tell her she's pretty. I guess all women do.
> 
> But here's an example of one chat I saw with her sister-in-law:
> 
> ...


Nothing there but personally my ears would perk from the cute comment. I may snoop a little bit but thats comming from someone getting burnt twice so grain of salt needed.

Does she work at Chili's?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Grapes said:


> Nothing there but personally my ears would perk from the cute comment. I may snoop a little bit but thats comming from someone getting burnt twice so grain of salt needed.
> 
> Does she work at Chili's?


She used to when she was in her early 20's. The Chilis is in a small town where everyone knows everyone. A lot of people know her family and I assume know her as well. The "Was he cute Ha Ha Just kidding" comment was like a punch to the gut. Seems to me if she really didn't mean it or was just kidding she wouldn't have made the comment in the first place. But then again, it could be just her and her sister-in-law being girls.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> My wife and I have been married three years, together five. I consider our marriage strong, and yes, I am a worrier. She works for a large company and works from home frequently. Yesterday I was home and I saw some of her work related chats on the screen. She didn't seem to mind that I saw. She chats with a lot of guys from her work, about work related stuff. But there's one guy that she chats with mostly about stuff that doesn't have to do with work. *This guy flirts with her, calling her pretty, saying he likes her. *He knows that she's married. I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned. I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?
> 
> My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?


Not sure why anyone needs to see the chat log. It is bold above. This is not appropriate in the working environment. 

Your W is probably eating it up. But all the same will tell you you're being silly. She has no concern for your concern. 

You want to become flirty with your W while she is at work. Start texting her.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> She used to when she was in her early 20's. The Chilis is in a small town where everyone knows everyone. A lot of people know her family and I assume know her as well. The "Was he cute Ha Ha Just kidding" comment was like a punch to the gut. Seems to me if she really didn't mean it or was just kidding she wouldn't have made the comment in the first place. But then again, it could be just her and her sister-in-law being girls.


Did she then ask for his name and contact info? If not then she just wanted to feel good on the fact that an attractive guy asked about her. Attractive men ask about me in a work context. I never want to give them my number or hook up with them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> She used to when she was in her early 20's. The Chilis is in a small town where everyone knows everyone. A lot of people know her family and I assume know her as well. The "Was he cute Ha Ha Just kidding" comment was like a punch to the gut. Seems to me if she really didn't mean it or was just kidding she wouldn't have made the comment in the first place. But then again, it could be just her and her sister-in-law being girls.


Sounded more like a joke between the two. But yeah, I can understand the punch to the gut feeling. It appears to be just girl talk.

Back to the skinny bald bearded co-worker. It does not matter what he looks like. Attention is attention is attention. Also, your W said this coworker looks like this? How would you know? I'm sure the coworker is also gay, right? No worries.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

ChipperE said:


> Did she then ask for his name and contact info? If not then she just wanted to feel good on the fact that an attractive guy asked about her. Attractive men ask about me in a work context. I never want to give them my number or hook up with them.


No, she never asked about his name or any contact info.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Sounded more like a joke between the two. But yeah, I can understand the punch to the gut feeling. It appears to be just girl talk.
> 
> Back to the skinny bald bearded co-worker. It does not matter what he looks like. Attention is attention is attention. Also, your W said this coworker looks like this? How would you know? I'm sure the coworker is also gay, right? No worries.


Not gay but she said he does have a girlfriend. I had asked her at one time if I had anything to worry about with this guy and she said "Heck no! He's not even good looking!"


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type.


Wrong answer. What happens when a cleanshaven stocky guy with a full head of hair comes along?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

browser said:


> Wrong answer. What happens when a cleanshaven stocky guy with a full head of hair comes along?


Yeah, I was going to say something along those lines. 

OP-Your response should have been "So if the guy was attractive, I should be worried?". She'd think hard about what she's doing.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> _I have a feeling she enjoys the attention. I know she loves being flirted with, for other people to tell her she's pretty._ *I guess all women do.*


The italicized is a clear red flag for all of her interactions with other men. The bolded is pretty much universal but the problem is some women LIVE for external validation of how desirable they are. Women who pretty much can't live without the sexual tension and the feeling of being desired by other men will eventually cheat. They will trade sex in order to keep the adoration and attention going. They need to become aware that this behavior endangers their job, their marriage, and the very life they know. They need to learn how to establish and maintain boundaries and if often takes counseling to accomplish this.

When men start to get a "funny feeling" about their wife & her relationships with other guys, it is amazing how often there is an affair going on. Just sayin...


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *I might be totally wrong here, but just from that chat alone, I can't really see anything remotely resembling the nature of a smoking gun!*


??

Is this a challenge to CanadaDry? You don't see squat! Yet. 
Show me the beef?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ulyssesheart said:


> ??
> 
> Is this a challenge to CanadaDry? You don't see squat! Yet.
> Show me the beef?


*No challenge whatsoever!

Please take into exception that I am comparing that particular dialogue to other "smoking guns" that I've laid witness to over the due course of time! I couldn't see the need to convict on that passage alone!

Having said that, if it is, indeed, a "smoking gun," then I did qualify my response in the opening of my reply, and as such, would humbly stand corrected!*


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned.


I'm a betrayed husband and spend time reading & participating in the infidelity forum here at this site. One of the many things I've learned is that very often the other guy(s) the wife chooses to bed are not nearly as attractive as their husband. They call it "affairing down". In no way do the physical attributes of some guy disqualify him from being her affair partner. 



CanadaDry said:


> I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?


There are endless ways to text/sext without leaving a trail...



CanadaDry said:


> My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?


If it's the external validation of her attractiveness that she's looking for there is no way you can provide it. By definition she has to get it from other men.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

drifter777 said:


> I'm a betrayed husband and spend time reading & participating in the infidelity forum here at this site. One of the many things I've learned is that very often the other guy(s) the wife chooses to bed are not nearly as attractive as their husband. They call it "affairing down". In no way do the physical attributes of some guy disqualify him from being her affair partner.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Then I'm screwed, basically. I could tell her that her talking with this guy makes me feel threatened but she would probably tell me I have nothing to worry about. And if it continues there's no telling how far it will go. I guess I'd better find a divorce attorney and keep their number handy. This sux. My ex-wife cheated on me when she left and now it seems like it's inevitable to happen again.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> Then I'm screwed, basically. I could tell her that her talking with this guy makes me feel threatened but she would probably tell me I have nothing to worry about. And if it continues there's no telling how far it will go. I guess I'd better find a divorce attorney and keep their number handy. This sux. My ex-wife cheated on me when she left and now it seems like it's inevitable to happen again.


You might just be jumping the gun a little bit there.

I mean it's ok to keep a watchful eye but you don't need to unload both barrels as of yet.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

I just spoke with my W via text and told her I wanted to go to counseling. She said that was fine and didn't even bother asking me why I wanted to go. So I told her I was having feelings of depression and worrying about things constantly. She said she didn't know I was depressed and said she thought I was doing good.

Geez, would it have killed her to ask why I want to go to counseling? She's working from home today and all I can picture in my mind is her chatting online with this other guy. Who knows what they're talking about. How dumb I am? Him hitting on her more? This is driving me nuts and I don't know how to deal with it besides go to counseling.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Canada, take a step back for a second...can you describe yourself as your wife see you when you were first married and how she would see you now? can you be objective?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Canada, take a step back for a second...can you describe yourself as your wife see you when you were first married and how she would see you now? can you be objective?


I totally get where you're going with this.

To put it another way "desperation and neediness is unattractive".


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> I just spoke with my W via text and told her I wanted to go to counseling. She said that was fine and didn't even bother asking me why I wanted to go. So I told her I was having feelings of depression and worrying about things constantly. She said she didn't know I was depressed and said she thought I was doing good.
> 
> Geez, would it have killed her to ask why I want to go to counseling? She's working from home today and all I can picture in my mind is her chatting online with this other guy. Who knows what they're talking about. How dumb I am? Him hitting on her more? This is driving me nuts and I don't know how to deal with it besides go to counseling.


She's willing to go to counseling. That's a good thing. You asked he in the middle of her work day, and it probably wasn't a good time for her to delve into the question of why. You can have a more in depth discussion of why at a more appropriate time.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> She's willing to go to counseling. That's a good thing.


No she isn't.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Talking about this guy to your wife (at this point)

Asking her IF you should be worried

Telling her you're depressed and constantly worried

All of these scream SCREAM weakness, lack of confidence, clingyness, fear, etc.

Is this really what you want your wife to see? Is this the man you want to be? Do you...even for a second...think women find this attractive?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

browser said:


> I totally get where you're going with this.
> 
> To put it another way "desperation and neediness is unattractive".


Understood.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

MarriedDude said:


> Talking about this guy to your wife (at this point)
> 
> Asking her IF you should be worried
> 
> ...


So what's the solution here? Play it cool and act like nothing is wrong until I get a 'Dear John' letter or she comes to me and tells me "We need to talk"...? And I guess I am a little desperate. I'm madly in love with my wife and don't want to lose her. If I do, it will be the second time a marriage has failed with me. I won't survive going through this a second time.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I won't survive going through this a second time.


Not with that sort of attitude.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

browser said:


> No she isn't.


Didn't she say "yes, ok" when he said he wanted to go to counseling? Am I missing something? She just didn't ask him why he wanted to go.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Didn't she say "yes, ok" when he said he wanted to go to counseling? Am I missing something?


Yes she did and yes you are.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

browser said:


> Yes she did and yes you are.


Would you like to explain what you're thinking, instead of being obtuse?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Didn't she say "yes, ok" when he said he wanted to go to counseling? Am I missing something?


I may not have posted it, but she did say she would go to counseling with me.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Would you like to explain what you're thinking, instead of being obtuse?


Sorry just having some fun with you.

Your mistake was assuming she was going to counseling too. She was perfectly fine with HIM going.



CanadaDry said:


> I may not have posted it, but she did say she would go to counseling with me.


You definitely didn't post it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Canada, your like the man who sees someone strike a match and immediately calls the fire department.....what you first need to do is calm down and keep your emotions under control....remember the old commercial...never let them see you sweat...please keep from breaking down in front of her...I suggest individual couceling first.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

ChipperE said:


> This will give an idea of why we need a chat dialogue: I have men who will email me for work and call me sweetie, beautiful, ect. I will typically just pretend they said nothing. Example:
> 
> Collegue: Hi, beautiful. I wanted to let you know that the accountant will be by tomorrow to bring you the reports you need.
> Me: Thanks
> ...


Here’s what happens if you ignore this instead of shutting down this type of disrespectful behavior immediately. Some people will assume your passivity as a form of consent to go further and it will then escalate to asking for “favors”, flirting, touching, etc. I have seen it happen many times in my 35+ year career. Both genders do this kind of crap ... it's called manipulation.

You don’t have to get aggressive to shut it down, all you have to say is “let’s keep our communication professional”. IMO, any person who calls me sweetie, honey, beautiful (etc.) in the work place is being inappropriate and disrespectful, period. I have a name, use it.

OP, you should *require *your wife to assertively shut down this type of communication with coworkers.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@CanadaDry
I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife chatting up a male coworker and I would insist that it end. Actually, I did when it happened to me (emails, not texts). My wife did stop it. Why don't you just tell her your not comfortable with this behavior, and you want it to end?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> So what's the solution here? Play it cool and act like nothing is wrong until I get a 'Dear John' letter or she comes to me and tells me "We need to talk"...? And I guess I am a little desperate. I'm madly in love with my wife and don't want to lose her. If I do, it will be the second time a marriage has failed with me. I won't survive going through this a second time.


Yes...Play it cool. Be in control of yourself. KNOW that regardless of the outcome...YOU will survive this. YOU will prosper regardless of the attention, affection or love provided by this woman.

YOU have control only over yourself and the environment you choose to live in. Therefore...exercise this control. Tell her, in no uncertain or tentative terms, that flirtatious conduct by her, her encouraging flirtatious conduct by others (not saying this happened), her failure to shut down her orbiters clearly and completely will result in HER no longer being part of your life. She is free to do as she pleases, but can't do those things AND still have you as a husband. 

It's perfectly normal and correct for you to be "madly" in love with your wife....I am....most husbands are. But this should never be a reason to hand her your balls. Cause....it will only KILL your relationship. You don't really believe that this is the "only" woman for you....Do you? She's not. 

My father has been married 6 times. That's right....six. He usually has at least 3 plates spinning on any given day. He's no Brad Pitt either...He has more confidence than any man really should...does what he wants...when he wants. I'm not saying this is the way to be (i'm not)...But I have been able to observe....that every former wife and GF and ONS...seems to come back around looking for more. The key is....Be you. You are an independant entity walking the earth...YOU have value, YOU are the catch, YOU have options.....Just act like you understand this.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Would you like to explain what you're thinking, instead of being obtuse?


Word of the day......Obtuse


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> OP, you should *require *your wife to assertively shut down this type of communication with coworkers.


It's always disappointing when you have to require you spouse to do this and they don't just do it on their own. :frown2:


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

sokillme said:


> It's always disappointing when you have to require you spouse to do this and they don't just do it on their own. :frown2:


True....But NOT saying anything and walking around like a puppy that's been kicked....well....at least equally as bad. 

IME...some people will do as they please until someone simply says "no". It's almost like they are waiting for it...and get more and more pissed when it doesn't happen. Crazy, I know...The world seems to be full of Crazy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> True....But NOT saying anything and walking around like a puppy that's been kicked....well....at least equally as bad.
> 
> IME...some people will do as they please until someone simply says "no". It's almost like they are waiting for it...and get more and more pissed when it doesn't happen. Crazy, I know...The world seems to be full of Crazy.


I agree the advice is good, it's just sad that it needs to be given.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@CanadaDry..FYI...This JUST got posted


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/364154-success-story-thank-you.html


Success Story - Thank You!
Thank you, all of you, who regularly peruse the TAM forums helping lost, broken strangers like me. Four years have passed since you all helped me start to not only fix my marriage, but more importantly helped me find my manhood again! 

My long story can be found here... 'Short-Term' Text Flirting - Talk About Marriage 

I'm happy to report that four years later my marriage is better than it ever was. At the risk of sounding sexist, I can honestly say the single biggest factor for where my wife and I are today is me being a MAN. Being a ****, wishy-washy, a doormat, etc. as a way of keeping your wife happy and faithful does not work. Setting boundaries, leading the family, surprising your wife, staying physically and mentally strong, all while treating her with respect and love DO work. 

There's a lot more I could say, and many of those who helped me may not even be around here anymore, but I just wanted to stop by quick to say thanks. I'm 180 degrees different than I was four years ago, and my marriage cannot thank you enough. 

Take care!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> Word of the day......Obtuse


I like fancy words


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP don't act like you're depressed around her. Very unattractive.! Do you other thing is you need to become James Bond and I would do surveillance on your wife I would go through all her stuff. Emails, text, any media that is a two way communication chat Apps, whatever else you can go through. Her phone records check your phone bill records. I take it you have access to that right.? You might even want to place a VAR Some where in the office, and in her car because the car is where they feel like they can say anything to anybody without being heard. "Be advised" do not under any circumstance let her find those recorders. Your marriage will be over with.! you need to act the same, you cannot let her on your suspicions, you need to be upbeat and cheerful. Fake it till you make it. Something else you can do is start reading "No more Mr. nice guy" and if you other books that people could point out to read.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It sounds like counseling will potentially help both of you. Mention the conversation with the SIL and the conversations with the guy at work. Although insecurity can turn women off, if you let this stew for too long it will end up significantly impacting your marriage. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@CanadaDry,

So here's what I see. Your wife talks with several of her co-workers, who happen to be of the male gender, about work topics. She leaves the screen open for you to see, so she's not hiding or excluding you. She also speaks to one male person about topics OTHER than work topics. This makes you uncomfortable because you are "a worrier" and from your own admission you experience a trigger just thinking about her chatting with this person even though you don't even know if she really is!

In fact, reviewing all of your posts, the one bit of chatting you did show us was between your wife and her SISTER-IN-LAW (another female person), not this supposedly flirty other male person. 

So at this time we have no hard facts or examples of flirty things she says to the male person. We don't even know if she does or does not talk to this male person while you worry. All we know is that you are freaking out and essentially experiencing PTSD triggering maybe from the past betrayal of your ex. It seems as if you are hyper-vigilant and very sensitive about being betrayed again, and thus have possibly projected onto your wife. 

And yet, with all this said, all the worry and chatting and "wife/sis-in-law" talking and flirty and freaking out--through all that you've never spoken out loud to your wife. She very likely has no clue all this is going on inside your head, and thus has no clue you are worried, upset, scared, jealous or anything! 

So here's my thought:

1) recognize that some of this is you having a PTSD anxiety attack about this topic--thus she can't "fix you" but you will need to address yourself.
2) recognize that it is reasonable for someone to jealously want to keep their spouse exclusively to themselves--thus give yourself permission to want to keep your wife's affections!
3) recognize that she may not have any idea all this is going on in your head--*thus, tell her....out loud...using words.*
4) recognize that when you tell her what is going on, it is healthy to tell her what you think and what you feel, and then to make a request


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I just spoke with my W via text and told her I wanted to go to counseling. She said that was fine and didn't even bother asking me why I wanted to go. So I told her I was having feelings of depression and worrying about things constantly. She said she didn't know I was depressed and said she thought I was doing good.
> 
> Geez, would it have killed her to ask why I want to go to counseling? She's working from home today and all I can picture in my mind is her chatting online with this other guy. Who knows what they're talking about. How dumb I am? Him hitting on her more? This is driving me nuts and I don't know how to deal with it besides go to counseling.


Jeez.

You're coming across like an over-emotional EMO teenage girl for God's sakes. *Counseling* just because she's chatting with someone that makes you panic? *Seriously???*

You look *so* needy and pitiful to your wife. I'd actually lose respect for my husband if he acted like this instead of manning the hell up, being an ADULT and having a conversation with me about it because he's confident in who he is and what his boundaries are. This just comes across as you dragging her to the principal's office because you're too afraid to handle it yourself. Ugh.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> Not gay but she said he does have a girlfriend. I had asked her at one time if I had anything to worry about with this guy and she said "Heck no! He's not even good looking!"


Of course.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

CanadaDry said:


> Then I'm screwed, basically. I could tell her that her talking with this guy makes me feel threatened but she would probably tell me I have nothing to worry about. And if it continues there's no telling how far it will go. I guess I'd better find a divorce attorney and keep their number handy. This sux. My ex-wife cheated on me when she left and now it seems like it's inevitable to happen again.




Ok THIS is your problem.

Sorry but this is a woman or gay man's response to the situation. Emotional. Then talk about it.

Most women don't want to hear how you FEEL about what they do.

A typical male response would say what your boundaries are and what you will DO, not how you feel.

Do you see the difference?

Your job is ALWAYS to protect yourself and your marriage. You are the protector of things that are yours.

If you suspect your SIL isn't a "friend of the marriage" (she has loose boundaries, she doesn't like you, she cheats, she hangs around with people that aren't "marriage-oriented") then you have a right to make a statement.

Me? I'd say "I don't trust that woman. Don't let her mess with our marriage." Or if she did this a few times I'd be more direct "stay away from that slvt unless you want to enjoy the single life again"

Realistically I wouldn't be this dramatic for such a small item, but I WOULD monitor and if I felt my W was drifting in any way, I'd let her know the consequences.

In my marriage, we BOTH mate guard and are very aware that there are marital threats out there to pay attention to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I like fancy words


Round these parts we call you folks "wordsmiths"


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> Round these parts we call you folks "wordsmiths"


Well, I AM a writer. Or I'm trying to be.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CanadaDry,

There is nothing stupid about your concerns almost all scheming OM "harmlessly flirt" as a means to establish a basis for an affair and to begin to emotionally separate your W from you.

Eventually the conversations will become more and more explicit, and the OM will try and engage your W in conversations about how bad both of their relationships are. The classic "my wife doesn't understand me line"

You need to save off the chats your W has with this guy so you can send them to this guys girl friend or SO when the time comes. 

What is your Ws work relationship with this OM is he a boss or is she his boss?

Tamat


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @CanadaDry,
> 
> So here's what I see. Your wife talks with several of her co-workers, who happen to be of the male gender, about work topics. She leaves the screen open for you to see, so she's not hiding or excluding you. She also speaks to one male person about topics OTHER than work topics. This makes you uncomfortable because you are "a worrier" and from your own admission you experience a trigger just thinking about her chatting with this person even though you don't even know if she really is!
> 
> ...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here's your problem. Tell her to stop texting the one flirty guy. She let's you see the logs which is fine. Yet, there is one guy which makes you feel uncomfortable. You have let this one guy permeate into all of your wife's interactions to the point you are getting depressed. This isn't her fault, it is all on you. If SIL= Sister in law, why does their conversation bother you? I know we have a few super moral people who NEVER EVER talk about the attractiveness of the other sex, but quite a few men and women do. They joked about someone being cute and SHE LET YOU SEE THE TEXT. 

Let me add one thing, while you are acting jealous, don't let that confuse your issue with the flirty texter sending inappropriate comments. It is FINE to shut that crap down, even if it is a comment he uses regularly.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> So what's the solution here? Play it cool and act like nothing is wrong until I get a 'Dear John' letter or she comes to me and tells me "We need to talk"...? And I guess I am a little desperate. I'm madly in love with my wife and don't want to lose her. If I do, it will be the second time a marriage has failed with me. I won't survive going through this a second time.


It always troubles me when I hear such words...

Of course you will survive, we all do... it's how we move forward and leave the pain behind that promotes understanding with the confidence that it is but a moment of sadness we face, not a lifetime.

Unless we choose to make it so...

For every reason we want to look elsewhere, many simply point back to us and how we carry our lives forward on the new path from the old painful one... here is where recognizing good and bad baggage is important, because often we tend to mix them up.

Burned by an adulterous partner can feel like it sucks the wind from our sails as the tattered remnants of confident cloth refuses to collect enough love to propel us forward, every commitment we believed in thrown away with a very serious transgression... and yet we find our way to a harbor to refit and prepare set sail again... but not without repairs.

Your words above share that you have not really had a full repair before embarking on your next journey... you replaced your sails and the winds of love caught them, but there is fear and every wave begins to look tidal and capable of swamping your relationship, and your sailed path becomes erratic.

Time to heal so jealousy and reaction does not break your rudder and steer you away from your wife.

@Affaircare is wise... all I would like to add is that letting go of how you were hurt by someone spiritually ugly is a really good thing. Why you would let this person in the past control so much of your future?

Baffling when you think about it, isn't it? 

No one would willingly let such a thing happen yet here we are, sorting out the good and bad ballast (baggage) avoiding the fear and insecurity because our ship has learned to be properly balanced so that our new relationship sails steady and true.

Fully let go of that which hurt you in the past... she wasn't worth it then, she surely is not worth it now.

Then enjoy the warm breeze your wife who loves you brings...

Sail well with peace my friend.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.


Did she show you the messages where she shut him down? I'm just curious, not pointing fingers or anything.

Your wife sounds like a good woman. And a good, loyal woman will see through some jack-off who's testing the waters.

You still might want to go to IC on your own to work through some of the baggage you're still carrying around from your previous marriage.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is the outcome when a country feminizes the male population. 

How can boys grow into men if the can't get a bloody nose every now and then?

You need the man up, get Testostrone shots, something. Just kidding but not really. 

What if the guy was good looking and her type?

Would she tell you that you need to worry now?

Are you her type?

First thing, stop worrying about what you can not control.

Second, hit the gym. Work on yourself. Read no more mr nice guy. Eat right and go out with friends. Stop following your wife around like a lost puppy.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

CanadaDry,

chill out man. From what I can see your wife has been open about the comms. If she has not flirted with this guy and applies boundaries then you are okay. 

If the guy flirts with her, she should change the subject or tell him to back off.

Mate guarding / **** blocking is good, so you could try and go a work function and see what this guy does?

Oh and please don't show that you are weak over all this.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Canada Dry:
All of this comes from some minor disconnect in communication. Every couple goes through something similar, and it is up to you to speak up. My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. At the 10 year mark, we split. Infidelity on both sides. We reconnected and fixed it, however, there are still some scars. About 5-7 years ago, we hit a rough patch, and she made a comment that she " did not understand why we are together when our interests are dissimilar". Instead of addressing that, I internalized it, and basically had the start of a triggering incident. Last summer, she made another comment, essentially using a phrase that she used when we split and screwed up. That sent me triggering. I had an intermediate bout with depression, and finally broke down and told her. She had absolutely no idea that she had caused a trigger. She has always known that I am insecure to an extent, however, she did not understand that the previous incident was interpreted to be the ILYBINILWY speech. It was simmering under the surface for a while, and her use of a phrase put me out of commission for a few months. Needed to increase my anti-depressant, and was not in a good place. When we discussed it, she came to understand that she came from a household wherein words were used to hurt and punish. Talking without due consideration of its effect on your partner seems to be a recurrent theme in her siblings' relationships. This time it hurt me. We agreed to address things like that when they come up and made certain that we will not do this again.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Well, I AM a writer. Or I'm trying to be.


Do. Or do not. There is no try. 

Pertains both to FIP and the Canuck.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.


So this guy has crossed the line but she's still communicating with him? He doesn't respect your marriage and more importantly, your wife doesn't either. Good luck.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> So this guy has crossed the line but she's still communicating with him? He doesn't respect your marriage and more importantly, your wife doesn't either. Good luck.


They are work colleagues. She may not be able to cut this guy off altogether without going through her boss and HR, and there really isn't enough here for the boss and HR to say ok on that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There is if he keeps flirting after she has told him to stop. She can go to HR now if she wanted to.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

I don't actually know how much flirting he does with her as I don't see her work-related chats. But he does text her on her phone. He did it this morning after a work-related meeting. I've seen those texts. She hasn't flirted with him, it's just normal talking, mostly about work. Still makes me uneasy. I shudder to think what the conversations would be like if she thought the guy was cute and her type.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's important that you trust, but verify what she says. 

Lots of women will downplay flirtation or say they have put the smack down when in fact they don't have the actual lady balls to do it properly.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> So this guy has crossed the line but she's still communicating with him? He doesn't respect your marriage and more importantly, your wife doesn't either. Good luck.



Buddy, please read the above. This guy has crossed the line bnig time, she did not tell you about it, and he continues to interact with her out of work and she is fine with it. you really need to read the book "Not Just Friends". In todays work environment, any man making inappropriate remarks to a married women he works with is either stupid or believes she is receptive. She has not shown you the interaction where she says she put him in his place.

If you want to save yourself a lot of heartache, put a VAR in her car, and you will have your answers pretty quick. if he is contacting your wife at home after hours, you can bet your ass he is talking to her while you have no access.

By having the discussion with her, all you have accomplished is alerting her how upset you were, and she will now be more careful since this guy still has caret blanch on when he wants to contact her. Why is there after hours contact with another man.??? One that has crossed the line, probably with her encouragement.

read this forum and one thing that comes out loud and clear friom so many BH, and that is "I ignored the red flags". don't fall into that category.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

She knows the guy has a crush on her. I told her that I was sure he did and her response was "Well if you worked with me, wouldn't you have a crush on me?"

I don't know how to take that. Either she is confident in herself, which is a good thing. Or she likes the attention too much to shut it down. Or both.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You're wife is a prick teaser buddy.When she finds someone she finds attractive your problems are really going to start.Either hit this behaviour on the head or just give her your balls in a little velvet bag because you don't seem to have any use for them.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ABHale said:


> This is the outcome when a country feminizes the male population.
> 
> How can boys grow into men if the can't get a bloody nose every now and then?
> 
> ...


This is the best advice on this thread.You are acting like a love sick schoolboy while your wife is having a great time with all these guys giving her attention.Ask your wife does she want to be considered a professional colleague to these co workers or the office door handle,everyone gets a turn.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.


You should tell her if it goes farther you WILL leave her. Lead your relationship man, quit letting her dictate the terms. You wife will respect you for it. What the hell kind of boundaries has she set if she is flirting with her. Give her consequences, and put the fear of God in her. Don't argue, 

"It's disrespectful to me that some guy would do this and you didn't shut him down. Do you respect me or not, you can be damn sure if the shoe was on the other foot I would have? I would have blocked that sh1t. Either this stops or we do, you are mine or you are not. I always have options, understand this." Then leave the house, and don't come back until it's late. Go see a movie. Detach for a week. Let her figure it out. Seriously dude, take agency, lead.

Weak, indecisive, wishy-washy men get abused and cheated on. All the time, all the freeking time. Just read the blogs. Sounds like you already had this experance but you didn't learn.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

A chat like this is in your future:

I would never: famous last words. People who never do shut down this shyt day one. A WS posted after DDay "I have learned my wedding vows do not protect me, I protect my wedding vows". 

"What if it was a cute guy" your cheat because you have failed to protect your vows in the past against lesser threats. You grew complacent and your allowed someone in your wouldn't have. Now I get a eat a great big shyt sandwich. 

Actually I think your SIL comments are not bad. Mentioned by either your wife or her "come over and check him out" big trouble. But work guy is first a guy and foremost an outsde guy. (duh).


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> She knows the guy has a crush on her. I told her that I was sure he did and her response was "Well if you worked with me, wouldn't you have a crush on me?"
> 
> I don't know how to take that. Either she is confident in herself, which is a good thing. Or she likes the attention too much to shut it down. Or both.


This needs to happen:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.


Make sure you notice something VERY IMPORTANT. Your gut was correct about this guy. You let your hand wringing make it worse.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Let go of one's fears from the first marriage, set one's attainable boundaries in their current one, keep communication open, and hold the line with the behavior you cannot accept.

You can have moments of idealization without being foolish, but no one has the ability to sustain those moments in reality, appreciate and enjoy them in their fleeting breath for that is as long as they should last.

But let them come naturally and freely when they do... we call that "touching the heart" and it is a very good thing.

No pedestal required.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> My wife and I have been married three years, together five. I consider our marriage strong, and yes, I am a worrier. She works for a large company and works from home frequently. Yesterday I was home and I saw some of her work related chats on the screen. She didn't seem to mind that I saw. She chats with a lot of guys from her work, about work related stuff. But there's one guy that she chats with mostly about stuff that doesn't have to do with work. This guy flirts with her, calling her pretty, saying he likes her. He knows that she's married. I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned. I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?
> 
> My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?


Send him a chat with your picture and ask if he thinks her husband is sexy too.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Send him a chat with your picture and ask if he thinks her husband is sexy too.


:rofl::lol: I love this, you have to do it!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

ABHale said:


> This is the outcome when a country feminizes the male population.
> 
> How can boys grow into men if the can't get a bloody nose every now and then?
> 
> ...


Yes!!!

Thanks for this post!

Hale and Hearty, AB Positive, thee be!

If you do follow her around like a puppy; Do put your nose *in the right place* and to good use!


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

I've decided to give up. We had a long conversation about this guy last night. She insists that he's just a friend and she's allowed to have male friends. Which I have no problem with. But that means she will continue to text him. As a friend. Today we went to my parents and she got a call. She refused the call and 10 minutes later she went outside the house and called someone. I dunno if it was her sister in law or what but now I'm left to wonder. I'm done. I can't handle the stress. I started losing weight for her so she would find me more desirable. I'm 6'1 and weigh 230 pounds. But now what's the point. I can't trust her when she does things like stepping outside to make a call. What is she hiding??? I wish I would just have a freaking heart attack and be done with it all. **** this. **** my life. I'm done.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Hang in there, Dude.

It probably was her sister. Not a POSOM. She is giving the sister the rundown of your behavior. Stop being paranoid. You will not lose her.....unless you let her go.

Stop subconsciously pushing her away. 

You are your own worst enemy. Act strong, smile a lot. Fake it till you make it.

Go to the doctor and get anti-anxiety pills.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I've decided to give up. We had a long conversation about this guy last night. She insists that he's just a friend and she's allowed to have male friends. Which I have no problem with. But that means she will continue to text him. As a friend. Today we went to my parents and she got a call. She refused the call and 10 minutes later she went outside the house and called someone. I dunno if it was her sister in law or what but now I'm left to wonder. I'm done. I can't handle the stress. I started losing weight for her so she would find me more desirable. I'm 6'1 and weigh 230 pounds. But now what's the point. I can't trust her when she does things like stepping outside to make a call. What is she hiding??? I wish I would just have a freaking heart attack and be done with it all. **** this. **** my life. I'm done.


Why are you left to wonder?

Calmly ask her who it was... wind yourself down, not up.

Then ask yourself if this is love you feel or something else taking over (insecurity and fear)... you have got to get back to believing in yourself, no one else can do that for you.

You are allowing the sadness of your past with the fear of your future ruin your present, you do see that, right?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CanadaDry said:


> I've decided to give up. We had a long conversation about this guy last night. She insists that he's just a friend and she's allowed to have male friends. Which I have no problem with. But that means she will continue to text him. As a friend. Today we went to my parents and she got a call. She refused the call and 10 minutes later she went outside the house and called someone. I dunno if it was her sister in law or what but now I'm left to wonder. I'm done. I can't handle the stress. I started losing weight for her so she would find me more desirable. I'm 6'1 and weigh 230 pounds. But now what's the point. I can't trust her when she does things like stepping outside to make a call. What is she hiding??? I wish I would just have a freaking heart attack and be done with it all. **** this. **** my life. I'm done.



Go your own way. Quit letting your weakness define you.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

My God man, 
Put on a nice shirt and cologne. Touch your wife's cheek, look into her eyes and, say, Darling we are going out. Think of two things to do and go somewhere. Get some drinks-margarita's and go somewhere romantic. Perhaps a place that has dancing, dark, grab each other, and reminisce. Don't post on a Saturday night, set the romance situation up. She will think you are the greatest and disregard others. Do this regularly. Create memories, doubt in your mind. 

Can't get into it. As you get ready, listen to Gotta Feeling by the Black Eye Peas on your I-phone near the bathroom so your wife hears it. Now! go have fun, The same goes to you all sitting at the p.c. right now!!!!

Get out! 

A got a feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

Tonight's the night, let's live it up
I got my money, let's spend it up
Go out and smash it like oh my God
Jump off that sofa, let's get, get off

I know that we'll have a ball
If we get down and go out and just lose it all
I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go
Let's go way out spaced out and losing all control

Fill up my cup, Mazel Tov


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do exactly this.
Just don't bring your wife.
Instead of the black eyed peas.
Let her meet the green eyed monster.
Your wife is siht testing you.
Do not fail.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Davidmidwest said:


> My God man,
> Put on a nice shirt and cologne. Touch your wife's cheek, look into her eyes and, say, Darling we are going out. Think of two things to do and go somewhere. Get some drinks-margarita's and go somewhere romantic. Perhaps a place that has dancing, dark, grab each other, and reminisce. Don't post on a Saturday night, set the romance situation up. She will think you are the greatest and disregard others. Do this regularly. Create memories, doubt in your mind.
> 
> Can't get into it. As you get ready, listen to Gotta Feeling by the Black Eye Peas on your I-phone near the bathroom so your wife hears it. Now! go have fun, The same goes to you all sitting at the p.c. right now!!!!
> ...


What are you on?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I've decided to give up. We had a long conversation about this guy last night. She insists that he's just a friend and she's allowed to have male friends. Which I have no problem with. But that means she will continue to text him. As a friend. Today we went to my parents and she got a call. She refused the call and 10 minutes later she went outside the house and called someone. I dunno if it was her sister in law or what but now I'm left to wonder. I'm done. I can't handle the stress. I started losing weight for her so she would find me more desirable. I'm 6'1 and weigh 230 pounds. But now what's the point. I can't trust her when she does things like stepping outside to make a call. What is she hiding??? I wish I would just have a freaking heart attack and be done with it all. **** this. **** my life. I'm done.


Everything you were doing for her, do for yourself. No one is worth giving up on everything for.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy and The 180 plan and start doing it. Start living for yourself now. if she comes around then great, you can make the marriage better then ever.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> IShe insists that he's just a friend and she's allowed to have male friends. Which I have no problem with. But that means she will continue to text him. As a friend.


Classic deflection. What does one have to do with all? Absolutely nothing. You are supposed to think you are controlling and overreact like you are right now. Don't play the "Pick me" game.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Classic deflection. What does one have to do with all? Absolutely nothing. You are supposed to think you are controlling and overreact like you are right now. Don't play the "Pick me" game.




No she is not allowed to have male friends and you're not allowed to have female friends. Those are basic marital boundaries.

Any OS friends must be couple friends - as in you should feel free to join them if you so desire and she with any female friends.

If you don't enforce these basic boundaries your m is on very shaky ground.

Furthermore, in a healthy LTR, you don't have to police her and vice versa - this is something you bring to your spouse.

You must grow a spine and begin to establish marriage safe boundaries 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Oh and btw if you're giving up, be aware that you're not giving up on her or the relationship, you're giving up on yourself. Because you are in charge of yourself, are SUPPOSED to set boundaries, set expectations, and make clear what you will and will not accept. If she doesn't like your boundaries, it's on HER to give up


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy.


To the beta dog, it makes him feel "uneasy". To the alpha dog, his wife continuing to put up with or play along with his flirtations just flat pisses him off and if she doesn't know how to stop it, he does. You need to change your image my man. PM me.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Canadadry Hey buddy how are you doing.? I hope you're doing as well as you can due to your situation. Stay strong don't take any bullsh!t from her... remember cheaters Lie. Keep post here.! You're going to need support that is what we are here for. Hey Dry at least update us with your situation so we know you're all right.?


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> They are work colleagues. She may not be able to cut this guy off altogether without going through her boss and HR, and there really isn't enough here for the boss and HR to say ok on that.


Except they're texting (at least) about non work-related topics and outside of work hours. Not cool.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> Except they're texting (at least) about non work-related topics and outside of work hours. Not cool.


I agree. But that's on HER... I'm talking about what can be addressed through HR and what cannot. If she's willingly engaging in the after hours, non-work related contact, what is HR going to do, really? People talk and socialize outside of work. Unless the company has a clear "no fraternization policy," getting HR involved would be a non-starter in this instance; and if they DO have a non-fraternization policy in place, then the wife's job would be put in jeopardy, and given that there's no evidence that this is an actual affair, that level of consequence may be extreme. 

HOWEVER, if the wife has asked the colleague to stop contacting her outside work, and the colleague has continued to contact her, that is harassment and HR should be involved.

I'm afraid that we as readers don't have enough information to recommend going to HR, because it seems that the OP doesn't have clear info. Unless I've missed something?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sure she can have male friends you dont approve of. Shes free to do what she wants.

She just cant be married to you.

Simple


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> No she is not allowed to have male friends and you're not allowed to have female friends. Those are basic marital boundaries.
> 
> Any OS friends must be couple friends - as in you should feel free to join them if you so desire and she with any female friends.
> 
> If you don't enforce these basic boundaries your m is on very shaky ground.


It's not clear if you are making this post in regard to marriages where there is a history of cheating, if so, then yes, it's spot on; but if there is no reason to distrust, then I disagree these rules need to be made in a healthy relationship where there is no reason to be so controlling and insecure.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

browser said:


> It's not clear if you are making this post in regard to marriages where there is a history of cheating, if so, then yes, it's spot on; but if there is no reason to distrust, then I disagree these rules need to be made in a healthy relationship where there is no reason to be so controlling and insecure.


I agree. Like everything else in life....its not a problem till its a problem.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> I agree. Like everything else in life....its not a problem till its a problem.


It could also create a problem, if you've got one spouse that is so insecure that they have the need to make rules the other spouse must follow, for no good reason other than it makes the rulemaker feel better about the relationship.

"Sorry Honey, I know you never did anything to make me question you or have any lack of trust in you whatsoever but I must forbid you from hanging out with opposite sex friends (or same sex friends in a gay relaitonship) because I just can't relax knowing something could happen."

I know what my response would be to that, and I know what my GFs response would be.

It sure as heck would NOT be "Ok that makes perfect sense".


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

browser said:


> It could also create a problem, *if you've got one spouse that is so insecure that they have the need to make rules the other spouse must follow, for no good reason other than it makes the rulemaker feel better about the relationship.
> *
> "Sorry Honey, I know you never did anything to make me question you or have any lack of trust in you whatsoever but I must forbid you from hanging out with opposite sex friends (or same sex friends in a gay relaitonship) because I just can't relax knowing something could happen."
> 
> ...


Those are pretty much doomed anyway. 

IMO....No one gets to control anyone. Not really. Everyone gets to make choices....there are always consequences for the choices.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Sure she can have male friends you dont approve of. Shes free to do what she wants.
> 
> She just cant be married to you.
> 
> Simple


Isn't there a law of physics (Pauli exclusion principle) that sez two men can't occupy the same space at the same time.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Isn't there a law of physics (Pauli exclusion principle) that sez two men can't occupy the same space at the same time.


I've got a 2 on 1 porn video that debunks that theory.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> She knows the guy has a crush on her. I told her that I was sure he did and her response was "Well if you worked with me, wouldn't you have a crush on me?"
> 
> I don't know how to take that. Either she is confident in herself, which is a good thing. Or she likes the attention too much to shut it down. Or both.


She's confident, sure. And she likes the attention as well.

She also has zero empathy for you, little respect, and maybe some contempt.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

She needs to go to an IC session with you in order for her to become mindful of her actions around you. I am no psychiatrist, but I can't help thinking that you display PTSD character traits. SHe needs to see this. Whether or not she can empathize is another discussion. But she must be made aware in no uncertain terms that you are in pain.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

browser said:


> It's not clear if you are making this post in regard to marriages where there is a history of cheating, if so, then yes, it's spot on; but if there is no reason to distrust, then I disagree these rules need to be made in a healthy relationship where there is no reason to be so controlling and insecure.




I'm making this as it relates to all LTR. My verbiage was strong because those with loose boundaries don't see the problem and clear language at least gets the point across.

It's not in the least controlling - it's a boundary and a belief - that OS friendships that do not involve the spouse amount to spending time and attention on someone who is competition for your spouse.

All it takes is open communication, transparency, honesty, and inclusion to have a "friend". The person ceases to be an OS friend the moment your spouse is invited into the relationship.

To be sure, I know females and my W knows males. But I would never go to dinner or drinking alone with an OS friend nor would she. We'd go together or wouldn't go - by our own choice. Because we naturally agree with these principals and never really had to talk about it in 30+ years.

The REAL truth is that married people who maintain OS friendships that don't involve the spouse often easily slip into an EA. If you can't say "hey honey, Trish wants to go grab a drink - let's go out" and include your S, then I think your probably hiding something.

This isn't something I made up BTW - my extended family and neighbors and friends all believe this. And there aren't many divorces among this group either.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Thanks for the replies, all. After I posted my last post I had a complete mental breakdown. I wasn't suicidal but I checked into a psychiatric hospital just the same. I was released this morning. They have me on several medications which seem to be calming me down and bringing my feelings of hopelessness and despair under control. Also, my wife understands now how much this has bothered me and has apologized and also has agreed to stop texting her co-worker. I will have no way of knowing if they still talk at work, but I will just have to trust her until something goes awry.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> Also, my wife understands now how much this has bothered me and has apologized and also has agreed to stop texting her co-worker. I will have no way of knowing if they still talk at work, but I will just have to trust her until something goes awry.


Your wife's guilt at driving you to "psych ward outpatient medicated status" will only temporarily keep her away from the other man if at all. 

Your strategy of "I will just trust her until something goes awry" is not the best course of action at this time.

You need to gain control of this situation and not let your wife drive the course of events.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

browser said:


> Your wife's guilt at driving you to "psych ward outpatient medicated status" will only temporarily keep her away from the other man if at all.
> 
> Your strategy of "I will just trust her until something goes awry" is not the best course of action at this time.
> 
> You need to gain control of this situation and not let your wife drive the course of events.


In God we trust, all others MUST sign.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.




Just read this thread and this answer bothered me to my core. CanadaDry, you need to establish boundaries with your wife, now. She did not shut him down as she is telling you, and the fact she will change after a hospital stay speaks volumes about her as a person. Let me explain what I see in this answer.

This guy flirts with your wife, then becomes bolder because she did nothing. For who knows how long he was bolder we'll never know, but she did anything but shut it down. Instead what happened is he flirted, she accepted, and he still flirts with her now. If she had shut it down and he then resumes flirting his job is in a precarious position regarding sexual harassment. But if she didn't shut it down its business as usual. The other part that bothers me is she never once informed you. She didn't tell you a coworker was flirting, took it a step further, that she shut it down, and when confronted by you said she has it under control. What do you think? I think it's not under control in the least. 

Next she says he is not her type, it doesn't matter what he looks like, she ENJOYED the flirting. She might not leave you but that doesn't mean she won't cheat on you. This OM has worked his way past her walls that she accepts being flirted with on a continual basis which is toxic to your marriage. Has she ever thought of what happens if she has a weak moment? She is already weak in accepting his advances, she was already in a fog by telling you she will still text him and continue accepting his flirtations. As they spend more time together at work her walls will continue to fall until she does have sex with him. All because she didn't shut it down, she allowed his advances, she knows of his crush, and yet again allows it to happen. She has not protected the marriage, she has not informed you, and she doesn't care of your feelings. This will continue during work hours and stop once they leave, hence she has done nothing when she should be on guard. 

Hoping for the best for you, but I'm very skeptical that this ends.


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