# Wife said she is disappointed with our lives



## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Hi, 

My wife and I are in our mid-forties. We have three children and we have been together for 20 years, married 16. 15 years ago we were forced to move from my home country and moved to the UK, where my wife is from originally. 

I had a well-paid job as a Business Development Manager for a software company, which allowed my wife to stay at home and look after our two kids. We bought a small house in a relatively downmarket neighbourhood, it was all we could afford as we had lost everything when we were forced to move.

Neither of us was particularly happy living in the UK, we had been used to more space, better weather and less crowded living conditions. We dreamed of moving to a Mediterranean country to bring our children up in the sunshine. We eventually did this, but understood that it was risky proposition, financially speaking. 

We bought a small business, which my wife ran, and things were idyllic until the financial crisis hit two years later. The business took a hit and my wife decided that she would prefer to get a job as a teacher than struggle on with the business. I took over running the business, which remained profitable but didn't make enough money to justify the amount of time I was spending on it. My wife put pressure on me to earn more money somehow, and I did my best with the limited set of skills I had to offer in this foreign environment and with the highest unemployment rate in the Western world at the time. Arguments about money were frequent, with my wife laying the blame at my feet. 

Our relationship was rocky and I ended up having an online affair, which my wife found out about. In the aftermath we renewed our relationship and improved our sex lives. Money was still an issue, but in between arguments we were very happy and enjoyed our lives in the sun, with trips back and forth to the UK every summer and Christmas.

One day a bomb dropped, my wife was pregnant with our third child. There was a huge gap between our first two and the third child, and we were in no position to look after a young baby. My wife took six months maternity leave and then it was down to me to look after the baby, which I did happily, but running the business at the same time was impossible. I closed the business and got evening work. I would look after the baby during the day while my wife worked, then she would take over when I went to work in the evenings. It was tough, but we made it happen

Now the youngest is at school and I have slowly built up more work during the day and in the evenings, though it is still not really enough for the life we want to live and we are often short of money towards the end of the month. We still fight often about money, with my wife generally laying the blame on me. 

My wife began to feel very stressed about our future and this culminated in a huge argument and her telling me that our life together has been a big disappointment for her. This upset me and I suggested that perhaps we should separate, with my going back to the UK to earn more money to support her and the kids. This rattled her and she has retracted what she said, is very apologetic and wants us to move forward. 

I sat down and put together a spreadsheet showing our current financial position and what we would have when we retire and how we are going to get the kids through university. Our situation is not at all bad and this process has made her feel much more relaxed. 

The problem is I find being a 'disappointment' hard to deal with. She says she is hormonal and perhaps pre-menopausal and I should forget what she said. That is not so easy as she had implied the same several times during our marriage, although she has never been so direct and explicit. 

My feeling is that we went on this adventure together, with promises that we would be mutually supportive if things didn't work out and instead she has blamed me for our predicament. Apart from the perennial shortage of money we have a great life, which is the envy of family and friends. Our children are being educated at the private school where my wife works and we live in a nice house close to the beach. in the last ten years we have had three foreign holidays, outside of the trips to the UK, and our kids have everything they need materially. Healthcare is free and of a high standard here, and we have managed to do all the dental work etc that the kids have needed. I feel her blaming me is unfair and her disappointment is unfounded.

Sorry this is so long and not very exciting but I would appreciate any comments and/or advice you might have.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Well, I can give you no advice on this issue, in fact I have somewhat the same problem. Everything is actually great, but money is a disappointment, and I feel I am the cause. So I am anxious to see what you find you can do about it.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Thanks for the reply and good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you've done amazingly well under difficult external circumstances. Wouldn't we all like to be better off financially, though? Your wife is a partner is this, and if she feels that better choices could have been made to improve your circumstances, she should have spoken up or done more herself to make more money. At this point, if she's not happy, ask her what the two of you can do to improve things - surely if she has a problem, she must have ideas on a solution!


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Because of where we live it is very difficult to improve our financial situation without uprooting the whole family. She doesn't want to leave and neither do I. She says that she is over it, she is happy and wants to forget about what she said, but we have been there before and it will come up again. I don't think it is healthy to sweep things under the carpet.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think your situation is uncommon. I would urge you not to take her frustration personally.

I would ask you, though: Do you feel disappointed in yourself? Is that why her words hurt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

You have done well, and her statements may be as she says due to pre menopause. But the old saying goes "listen to what someone is telling you".

If she is "disappointed in her life, unhappy in general, blaming you for the difficulties, and on and on, guess what is likely to come next???? The old " I love you but I am not in love with you".

And at her age, add in the hormones, and the statements she is making to you, do not be surprised if another man pops up on the horizon. May even be there already. Women of her age who are "unhappy" are obviously more vulnerable to "Prince Charming" showing up.

In my opinion, separating and you going to another country is basically signing the death knell on your marriage, and you will be in the other country when you find out about her new boyfriend.

You need to face this head on, get some MC if you think it would be helpful, and sort this out one way or the other. If she is "checked out" it will be less painful to find this out than be whacked with infirdelity later.

And remember this. The problems in your marriage belong to BOTH of you, so do not accept her blaming you for everything. And remember, when women get in her frame of mind,m especially where you had some type of affair, it is very easy for them to justify anythin g they do as "they deserve to be happy". You also might want to pay attention to "girlfriends" she may spend a lot of time with because peer acceptance and agreement with them many times has an effect that anything they do is OK.

Stpe up and face the future with open eyes and keep your head out of the sand.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

jld said:


> I don't think your situation is uncommon. I would urge you not to take her frustration personally.
> 
> I would ask you, though: Do you feel disappointed in yourself? Is that why her words hurt?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I don't feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I have adapted to the changing situation; becoming a SAHD, learning a new language, finding flexible work etc. The reason why it hurt is my view and her view of the last 10 years seem to be so different; I see a life well led, well rounded kids, adventure. On the face of it she feels the same way, but when we are having a tough month she lashes out.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Janetandjohn said:


> No, I don't feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I have adapted to the changing situation; becoming a SAHD, learning a new language, finding flexible work etc. The reason why it hurt is my view and her view of the last 10 years seem to be so different; I see a life well led, well rounded kids, adventure. On the face of it she feels the same way, but when we are having a tough month she lashes out.


Probably because that is her feeling, deep down. And she trusts you enough not to lie to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

jld said:


> Probably because that is her feeling, deep down. And she trusts you enough not to lie to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, my feeling is that this can't be ignored, that something has to be done. She says she didn't mean it and we should move on. What is your opinion?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Janetandjohn said:


> So, my feeling is that this can't be ignored, that something has to be done. She says she didn't mean it and we should move on. What is your opinion?


The thing that has to be done, imo, is that you have to be able to fully hear her without taking what she says personally (being defensive or reactive). And she has to come to accept that while you two have not made all the money she might have hoped for, life is still quite good.

This is really normal, run of the mill, typical 20 year marriage life stuff, imo. Nothing to break up or even temporarily separate the family over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Janetandjohn said:


> So, my feeling is that this can't be ignored, that something has to be done. She says she didn't mean it and we should move on. What is your opinion?


She meant it, if nothing more than in the moment.

What you need to identify is if she was just emoting, or if there is something she would like to do about it. Make sure there is not some form of unrealized dream she is stamping down to sacrifice for the family. I would bet there is something like this. 

What you need to do is be able to make it safe for her to express this to you. That means no judgement, no taking it personally, no threatening to separate.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> She meant it, if nothing more than in the moment.
> 
> What you need to identify is if she was just emoting, or if there is something she would like to do about it. Make sure there is not some form of unrealized dream she is stamping down to sacrifice for the family. I would bet there is something like this.
> 
> What you need to do is be able to make it safe for her to express this to you. That means no judgement, no taking it personally, no threatening to separate.


I have suggested we talk now, after we have settled down and there is no anger, but she says there is nothing to talk about, she didn't mean it and that is it.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Your wife is playing the victim and that is a recipe for disaster.

We are each responsible for our own happiness.

She seems to have lost respect for you. Are you still the same man 
she married or have you turned into the "modern nice guy man"

SAHD's have a hard time keeping their wives attraction. Many threads
here demonstrating this.

Did she rugsweep your EA? This could built up resentment on her part

Is your sex life awesome?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Janetandjohn said:


> I have suggested we talk now, after we have settled down and there is no anger, but she says there is nothing to talk about, she didn't mean it and that is it.


Then take a different approach. 

Don't mention the "incident".

Ask her if there are any dreams she saw the two of you doing. Be prepared to discuss one of your own to prime the conversation pump. 

When you ask, ask it in an open ended form rather than a yes/no question:

"Wife, what have you always wanted to do that you haven't been able to...maybe due to family or other obligations?"

You may be surprised what you learn from her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you had some difficulties and your response was an online affair.

Then your wife tried to talk to you and your response was to suggest separation.

You've made clear that you are an unsafe place for her.....how do you suppose that's going to work for you?

Of course she doesn't want to talk to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, if you haven't shown her this post, have you at least had a serious talk with her, where you've laid out all of the same feelings that you've conveyed in writing here?

If you haven't, then you are setting expectations of her that she knows nothing about. You're expecting her to react in a certain way when she does not have full context. That's called a covert contract. You have to be clear and up-front about your expectations. You can't assume that your wife knows what you do, how hard you work, what you really contribute, or how well off you are financially. She lives in her own reality, not yours. Do you know absolutely everything she feels she contributes?

It's good that you laid the finances out on a spreadsheet so she could clearly see a plan. She probably feels relieved to know that you have been planning. She can't know unless you share with her.

If you haven't yet had a talk with her, I'd do this right now before one more day passes. As FSJ expressed above, do it gently and do not get upset with her. She needs to feel comfortable being HER honest self, too.

A lot of people are blind to the good things they do have, and instead focus on what they do not.

Women will not just trust their men unless they have had a historical reason to. It's not fair, but it's been my experience. Your online affair obviously hurt that trust. We don't even have a full picture of it - how far did it go and how did you get caught? Or did you confess?

Maybe she needs a little more convincing that things are going well. Maybe she needs to be a little more comforted. Women pick at men because they are unsure and are testing them. You've got nothing to worry about in my mind when it comes to logistics - you seem like a very prepared man that has always looked out for the interests of his family. Continue to show her this and be confident about it. But be aware that if you have not tackled your infidelity to HER satisfaction, then she may have many unresolved issues that keep her from trusting you completely.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

straightshooter said:


> And remember this. The problems in your marriage belong to *BOTH* of you, so do not accept her blaming you for everything. And remember, when women get in her frame of mind, especially where you had some type of affair, it is very easy for them to justify anything they do as "they deserve to be happy". *You also might want to pay attention to "girlfriends" she may spend a lot of time with because peer acceptance and agreement with them many times has an effect that anything they do is OK*.


Bold is bang on, but yes. The EA was silly.

And woe betide a man who doesn't provide (what she sees fit). But just a second, the ladies all want careers nowadays don't they? If she's earning more than he could, he can be a SAHD and everything works out just fine, right? He'll be well respected by her for keeping house and bringing up the kids, right? That's where we're heading isn't it?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> OP,
> 
> You have done well, and her statements may be as she says due to pre menopause. But the old saying goes "listen to what someone is telling you".
> 
> ...


THIS X100.

I went through the exact same complaints you are going through.....only my financial position was better than yours.

Had a house about 5 years from being mortgage free....I was 41 she was 37.
two good children
both worked with retirement savings.
went on vacations and had other nice things in life......

she used to complain about was what we "didn't have"............griped she was unhappy. I was faithful to her.

said similar things to the OP's post how life has been a disappointment.

all it took was for the right very rich guy to come along and the affair was on.

OP I would be very concerned right now.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I dont know if this a trust issue or a never happy issue.

There are people out there who are never satisfied. Can have happy healthy kids who visit with their grandkids a lot. A decent house, nice vehicle, take vacations, etc etc. But for some its never enough. They arent happy. They fixate on what they dont have. What they didnt get. They lack perspective. They simply dont enjoy the simple things in life enough.

Does it mean they are bad people? I guess not. But to me they are sad sad people. But when they start blaming other people for all their dont haves? Ughh.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I think I would sit down with my wife and tell her I have only ever tried to do well by her and the kids. I work hard to provide for them, but there's only so much I can do. Then, I would ask her to tell me what she would like to see happen that would make her happy. Then we would try to formulate a plan to start working on it.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Oh, and in regard to what she said... Sometimes people do say things they wish they hadn't. I have done this a few times.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

When the going got tough...

first, you cheated...

Then when it got tough again...

You suggested you two split.

You're disappointing me as a man right now.

Stop being a bad husband and man up.

You two took vows together. For better or worse, for richer or poorer.

Be the emotional leader of your household. Your wife wants to hear that you have this under control and you're going to get the family through anything. She wants to hear that together you two can accomplish anything and overcome any hardship. Instead she heard "maybe we should separate". That's really chicken sh*t of you to suggest that.

Be the leader of your family and the rock they can all depend on. That's how a man behaves.

Don't make me come there and smack you around. Just kidding, but serious about the message. You fix this. Go apologize to your wife about the "maybe we should split up" comment and assure her that you love her with all your heart and you're going to lead the family through any troubles....and then do it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Janetandjohn said:


> So, my feeling is that this can't be ignored, that something has to be done. She says she didn't mean it and we should move on. What is your opinion?


You didn't ask for my opinion but I'll give it to you anyway.

Under stress people say things.

There have been a few arguments where my wife said "You should just LEAVE". In that micromoment she surely wanted to divorce me (or maybe worse?). But 2 hours later she did not want to divorce me.

It was feeling in a MOMENT that your wife had. Pretend that bad feeling is a small balloon. You can either blow air in it until it explodes or you can let the air out gently.

So the answer is you don't ignore what is behind it, but you don't make a mountain out of a molehill either.

You need to manage your marriage in such a way that you two are focusing on your blessings and minimizing your pains... And, as you see marriage to be a joint endeavor where both of you make hard choices for the greater good.... YOU need to make that the story of your marriage.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I miss the angle of her having grown a deep resentment because she is the provider of the family, and not you. Rational it can be wise and accepted, but emotionally, even subconscious only, it can be a whole other story. Like mentioned there can even grow an affair because of this resentment. The SAHD is a vulnerable position, and I feel the natural way is deep down what the woman actually wants. If she has an outdoor career there can be a development difference with the homebody in style, subjects to talk about etc. etc. that is like ravine between the High life working woman and the SAHD.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Your wife is playing the victim and that is a recipe for disaster.
> 
> We are each responsible for our own happiness.
> 
> ...


No, none of those are an issue. Our sex life is better than ever. The EA was dealt with in a healthy way and we comfortably talk about it now.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Your post really hits home since I'm dealing with the same thing every day. My wife is from a fairly well off family and she has a cousin who married a millionaire. The life we have has been a financial struggle at times, but we certainly aren't poor although she clearly feels that it's not what she envisioned for herself and that I am a disappointment. It's led to lots of almost downright hatred between us and has basically wrecked our lives. I came from a relatively poor family but worked my ass off to become my family's first college graduate. In that respect I don't see myself as a disappointment but she and her family always has. I'll never be good enough for them. It's made me feel so horrible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest counselling and advice regarding income, debt, etc.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Janetandjohn said:


> No, none of those are an issue. Our sex life is better than ever. The EA was dealt with in a healthy way and we comfortably talk about it now.


Then there may still be hope. Follow Farside's advice and start to communicate with her. Ask her the questions on what is missing that makes her feel disappointed and then don't react emotionally even if it is upsetting. 

I believe LifeIsTooShort is right that your wife doesn't trust you enough to talk to you.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

For clarity, I suggested separation not as a threat but as the only real solution to our financial issues. It is impossible for me to earn more money than I am here, the only way to meaningfully increase our income is for me to go back to the UK. Going back and remitting money to her was the only realistic solution. I asked her if the financial problems were more important than staying together and she said absolutely not.

As for being a SAHD, that decision was made because my wife's job is at a private British school. The kids attend for free because she works there. If she had left her job we would have had to pull the kids out of the school, and the British system,and put them into the local system. This would have been a massive upheaval for everyone and destroyed the plan for their educational futures (British university). 

The new baby coming along, although we were told it would never happen, derailed everybody's life and I had to step up to the plate and do what needed to be done. My wife resented the fact that she could not stay at home with the baby, after the initial six months, and that the older kids' education depended on her.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Then there may still be hope. Follow Farside's advice and start to communicate with her. Ask her the questions on what is missing that makes her feel disappointed and then don't react emotionally even if it is upsetting.


She is adamant that there is nothing to talk about, that showing her our financial position has put her mind at rest.



ButtPunch said:


> I believe LifeIsTooShort is right that your wife doesn't trust you enough to talk to you.


 I don't see why she wouldn't trust me, the EA was 'minor' in her words, although it did serve as a wake up call for both of us. It was six years ago since then our relationship, outside of the money issue, has strengthened. That is not to minimise it, I mentioned it because it was a turning point in our relationship.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Your post really hits home since I'm dealing with the same thing every day. My wife is from a fairly well off family and she has a cousin who married a millionaire. The life we have has been a financial struggle at times, but we certainly aren't poor although she clearly feels that it's not what she envisioned for herself and that I am a disappointment. It's led to lots of almost downright hatred between us and has basically wrecked our lives. I came from a relatively poor family but worked my ass off to become my family's first college graduate. In that respect I don't see myself as a disappointment but she and her family always has. I'll never be good enough for them. It's made me feel so horrible.


How do you cope with that? I mean, some people say you have to define your own success measure and let others think what they want, but how to do that in real life?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

OP, if you landed a job that was so well payed she never had to work again, would she be happy?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Was she financially insecure as a child/younger person at some point? 

Why were you forced to move from your home country originally? That seems a big piece that's missing here. 

Also, like someone else said, maybe she resents that when things got tough before your solution was an online affair. Perhaps she's concerned about money because she's concerned how she's going to pay for the kids if you decide to have another affair and leave. Did you ever really deal with the affair? Go to counseling?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Janetandjohn said:


> She is adamant that there is nothing to talk about, that showing her our financial position has put her mind at rest.


Then take her at her word, and drop it. But commit to being able to hear whatever she might share with you at any time in the future.



> I don't see why she wouldn't trust me, the EA was 'minor' in her words, although *it did serve as a wake up call for both of us. *It was six years ago since then our relationship, outside of the money issue, has strengthened. That is not to minimise it, I mentioned it because it was a turning point in our relationship.


That is the healthiest way to view it, imo. Good job to both of you on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> OP, if you landed a job that was so well payed she never had to work again, would she be happy?


My guess is she would complain that I am not at home enough. When I did have a well-paid job, and she stayed at home, she complained that she had to look after the kids alone,


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> Was she financially insecure as a child/younger person at some point?


No, the opposite. Her father was successful and distinguished. 



Starstarfish said:


> Why were you forced to move from your home country originally? That seems a big piece that's missing here.


It fell apart.



Starstarfish said:


> Also, like someone else said, maybe she resents that when things got tough before your solution was an online affair. Perhaps she's concerned about money because she's concerned how she's going to pay for the kids if you decide to have another affair and leave. Did you ever really deal with the affair? Go to counseling?


Yes. As far as she is concerned the 'affair' was a wake up call, and a misdemeanor.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

What if it was just 9-5 but very well payed? Or working from home 9-5 and very well payed?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> How do you cope with that? I mean, some people say you have to define your own success measure and let others think what they want, but how to do that in real life?


Moving away from her family has helped but I've taken it upon myself, irregardless of how hard it is, to make myself see how beneficial I am to the family. Maybe I can't contribute to everyone's satisfaction monetarily but the kids see me as a great father and that's all I need. Ok maybe they didn't have the $150 pair of shoes their friends had, they got better grades in school and all are in college because I helped them everyday where ever I could. My wife did nothing, only complained why our material items never measured up. Ok maybe I'm not a good husband because I can't provide, I much rather would be an good influence on my kids that helps them be all they can be.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Things have escalated. We argued and she listed things I did not do to improve our financial situation, accused me of torpedoing her attempt to take a year off to be with the baby and said I had not done enough to 'make her dreams come true'. 

She affirmed that she holds me solely responsible and that she is above reproach, as she had done everything she could have to improve the situation.

I take this as a devastating and inaccurate character assassination and find it hard to imagine moving on. I have again suggested separation, which is wrong on my part but I feel that I have no other card to play.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Janetandjohn said:


> Things have escalated. We argued and she listed things I did not do to improve our financial situation, accused me of torpedoing her attempt to take a year off to be with the baby and said I had not done enough to 'make her dreams come true'.
> 
> She affirmed that she holds me solely responsible and that she is above reproach, as she had done everything she could have to improve the situation.
> 
> I take this as a devastating and inaccurate character assassination and find it hard to imagine moving on. I have again suggested separation, which is wrong on my part but I feel that I have no other card to play.


It's very hard to do anything with someone who takes that position (that it is entirely the other person's fault). I don't know what else you can do either.

Sorry you are here.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Janetandjohn said:


> Things have escalated. We argued and she listed things I did not do to improve our financial situation, accused me of torpedoing her attempt to take a year off to be with the baby and said I had not done enough to 'make her dreams come true'.
> 
> She affirmed that she holds me solely responsible and that she is above reproach, as she had done everything she could have to improve the situation.
> 
> I take this as a devastating and inaccurate character assassination and find it hard to imagine moving on. I have again suggested separation, which is wrong on my part but I feel that I have no other card to play.


DNA test time, mate.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"I'm sorry you feel that way."


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> DNA test time, mate.


How did you get there?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

J&J your wife is acting very much like an entitled princess instead of an equal and supporting partner. There is very little you can do - she has to need to go to counselling when she hears that from not just you but others too. Until then you have to simply say "I do not agree with your view of the situation and the history here and would really suggest that you get a professional 3rd party view of what you are saying and please let me tell my side of the story so the counsellor gets both sides of the story" - only then might she see that perhaps what she is expecting etc is unfair and unrealistic.

I would be very curious as to know what your country is, especially when you say it fell apart. In my opinion countries that have "fallen apart economically" include: Greece, Turkey, Spain, Italy, South Africa etc.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Janetandjohn said:


> How did you get there?


Because many here on Tam view anything short of porn sex on demand as evidence of cheating.

Look, I think you're missing the point regarding your affair and her backtracking from her comment. Your affair may well have been minor and maybe it was a wakeup call, but you've established yourself as one who deals with things by having affairs, going nuclear (separation), and getting your feelings hurt.

Your wife doesn't view you as a partner she can go to with feelings and concerns.

And nothing you do is a big deal. 

And in your posts you take responsibility for nothing....everything is your wife's fault. Even now her feelings are character assassinations.....she's apparently not allowed to even have them if your feelings are hurt.

Stop getting butt hurt and be a partner. Go to your wife and hear her out without tagging every negative feelings she has a character assassination. Work together to find solutions that don't involve splitting up the family.

What part do you have in this, or do you see it as all your wife's fault?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> J&J your wife is acting very much like an entitled princess instead of an equal and supporting partner. There is very little you can do - she has to need to go to counselling when she hears that from not just you but others too. Until then you have to simply say "I do not agree with your view of the situation and the history here and would really suggest that you get a professional 3rd party view of what you are saying and please let me tell my side of the story so the counsellor gets both sides of the story" - only then might she see that perhaps what she is expecting etc is unfair and unrealistic.
> 
> I would be very curious as to know what your country is, especially when you say it fell apart. In my opinion countries that have "fallen apart economically" include: Greece, Turkey, Spain, Italy, South Africa etc.


How exactly is a woman who supports a sahd an entitled princess?

And he has to agree with her view for it to be valid and discussed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't understand why you call your threats of separation a "card" to play. That insinuates you're in some kind of a game. 

This is no game, and if you're going to make a threat, at least have the strength to follow through, otherwise it's hot air and more fuel for her (unfair) justification that you're inadequate.

One of you needs to act like an adult here.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You must have dug up the conversation. Why did this come up yesterday all of a sudden? Are you trying to blow things up?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Janetandjohn said:


> Things have escalated. We argued and she listed things I did not do to improve our financial situation, accused me of torpedoing her attempt to take a year off to be with the baby and said I had not done enough to 'make her dreams come true'.


Since when is it your responsibility to make her dreams comes true. When is she going to make your dreams comes true?


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> How exactly is a woman who supports a sahd an entitled princess?


She doesn't support me, I work evenings when she is back from work. I earn about 75% of what she does.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Hicks said:


> You must have dug up the conversation. Why did this come up yesterday all of a sudden? Are you trying to blow things up?


Probably. I do have a tendency to be angry for a few days.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I would be very curious as to know what your country is, especially when you say it fell apart. In my opinion countries that have "fallen apart economically" include: Greece, Turkey, Spain, Italy, South Africa etc.


We lived in Zimbabwe, now we live in Spain.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Janetandjohn said:


> She doesn't support me, I work evenings when she is back from work. I earn about 75% of what she does.


Ok, so you're not a sahd. You have a different work schedule....big difference.

I still think the entitled princess comments are unfair considering she works too. I know it wasn't you who called her that though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, so you're not a sahd. You have a different work schedule....big difference.


I think of myself as a SAHD because I am with him until 5.00pm then she has him for a couple of hours.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Because many here on Tam view anything short of porn sex on demand as evidence of cheating.


Yeah? It seems his wife views anything short of 300,000 Euros per anum and a chance to put her feet up for a year evidence of her husband being inadequate.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, so you're not a sahd. You have a different work schedule....big difference.
> 
> I still think the entitled princess comments are unfair considering she works too. I know it wasn't you who called her that though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is an entitled because she resents having to work like normal wives nowadays. She is entitled because wants, nay, demands more money from OP now that he has fallen on harder times.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> How exactly is a woman who supports a sahd an entitled princess?
> 
> And he has to agree with her view for it to be valid and discussed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because she resents having to work instead of being supportive.

Because she demands a high income from her husband instead of being supportive.

Its not like she has always had to work and like her husband has never been the breadwinner.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

You are learning a hard lesson. Men are much more supportive of a wife who isn't financially successful than a husband who isn't. Bottom line is a wife doesn't respect a husband who doesn't bring home the bacon no matter what they say. When your wife told you she was disappointed in her time with you she was being honest and it's an incredibly rude thing to say, and I don't know how a marriage goes forward after something like that is said to be honest.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Satya said:


> I don't understand why you call your threats of separation a "card" to play. That insinuates you're in some kind of a game.
> 
> This is no game, and if you're going to make a threat, at least have the strength to follow through, otherwise it's hot air and more fuel for her (unfair) justification that you're inadequate.
> 
> One of you needs to act like an adult here.


I agree with this. I know that I shouldn't do it, but at the heat of the moment I mean it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> You are learning a hard lesson. Men are much more supportive of a wife who isn't financially successful than a husband who isn't. Bottom line is a wife doesn't respect a husband who doesn't bring home the bacon no matter what they say. When your wife told you she was disappointed in her time with you she was being honest and it's an incredibly rude thing to say, and I don't know how a marriage goes forward after something like that is said to be honest.


It just takes some humility and patience and commitment.

And some women have said they are fine being the breadwinners, or at least earning the majority of the household income. They usually love the work they do, and are glad it pays well, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Janetandjohn said:


> I agree with this. I know that I shouldn't do it, but at the heat of the moment I mean it.


With all due respect, if you'd meant it, you wouldn't be here, because you'd be separated/divorced and busy with your new life.
In the heat of the moment, you meant for your words to hurt and likely incite fear, maybe so you'd get a more submissive or apologetic response from her. It's a human, visceral response to want to hurt back when we are hurting.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

Satya said:


> With all due respect, if you'd meant it, you wouldn't be here, because you'd be separated/divorced and busy with your new life.
> In the heat of the moment, you meant for your words to hurt and likely incite fear, maybe so you'd get a more submissive or apologetic response from her. It's a human, visceral response to want to hurt back when we are hurting.


Yes, I concede that point. It is something I have promised her and myself I will stop doing.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

jld said:


> It just takes some humility and patience and commitment.
> 
> And some women have said they are fine being the breadwinners, or at least earning the majority of the household income. They usually love the work they do, and are glad it pays well, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But this is not a woman who loves her job or enjoys being the breadwinner. This is one that resents having to work and is disappointed with what her husband now earns - both at the same time!


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

jld said:


> And some women have said they are fine being the breadwinners, or at least earning the majority of the household income. They usually love the work they do, and are glad it pays well, too.


They'd still prefer it if their husband earned double, though.

It's like knobcreek says, if the woman looses her job, she gets a cuddle, some reassurance and the man steps up proudly to earn more and protect her and the family. If the man looses his job, most wives will loose respect for him, start to resent him if he earns less or she has to work (or work longer hours) and his days are numbered. Not fair but just the way it works.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

knobcreek said:


> You are learning a hard lesson. *Men are much more supportive of a wife who isn't financially successful than a husband who isn't. Bottom line is a wife doesn't respect a husband who doesn't bring home the bacon no matter what they say.* When your wife told you she was disappointed in her time with you she was being honest and it's an incredibly rude thing to say, and I don't know how a marriage goes forward after something like that is said to be honest.





TAM2013 said:


> They'd still prefer it if their husband earned double, though.
> 
> It's like knobcreek says, *if the woman looses her job, she gets a cuddle, some reassurance and the man steps up proudly to earn more and protect her and the family. If the man looses his job, most wives will loose respect for him*, start to resent him if he earns less or she has to work (or work longer hours) and his days are numbered. Not fair but just the way it works.


So true. I've seen this in real life MANY times and read about it countless times. Some were SAHM for a few years before going back to work but when husband was downsized during the mansession the wives had very little patience for their husband's plight. Things improved once they were working but the ones that ended up taking jobs making less than their wife didn't do well.

All this talk about equality and that the men having to be the main breadwinner is a patriarchal social construct is just that, talk. A few decades of social engineering can't undo over 200,000 years of humanoid evolution.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> J&J your wife is acting very much like an entitled princess instead of an equal and supporting partner.


I don't agree with that at all.

I think the OP's wife is very resentful of the fact that SHE wanted to stay home with her baby and instead had to be the main breadwinner and work to provide for the family and the kid's schooling while her husband stayed home with the baby.

That wasn't her plan. *At all*.

Some women prefer this type of arrangement. She's not *one* of them. It doesn't make her a princess.

And it doesn't make a woman 'entitled' just because her natural maternal instinct drives her to want to be able to raise her baby. Jeez.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't agree with that at all.
> 
> I think the OP's wife is very resentful of the fact that SHE wanted to stay home with her baby and instead had to be the main breadwinner and work to provide for the family and the kid's schooling while her husband stayed home with the baby.
> 
> ...


It wasn't my plan either. We got into this situation because we* both *decided to downshift and move to this place and then she fell pregnant again, which neither of us had planned for. 

Being sad that she couldn't stay at home with the baby is perfectly natural and acceptable, blaming me is not.


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## Janetandjohn (Sep 20, 2016)

These data are the result of a study carried out in Sweden on the relationship between spousal income levels and divorce risk. It confirms what most people are saying; if the woman is the breadwinner divorce is more likely.

Wife’s share in-------------relative risk of divorce
couple’s total income

0%-20% --------------------1.00
20%-40%-------------------1.38
40%-60%-------------------1.62
60%-80%-------------------2.12
80%-100%------------------2.19


http://www.demogr.mpg.de/papers/workshops/041125_paper07.pdf


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And it doesn't make a woman 'entitled' just because her natural maternal instinct drives her to want to be able to raise her baby. Jeez.


Damn right. And a mans natural instinct is to provide and protect and feel rewarded while doing so. All this smash the patriarchy BS that encourages women to behave like men and men to behave like women is just one big heap of fvcking wrongness.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

To put some personal experience to this discussion my wife has been laid off three times, fired for cause twice. After she was laid off last time she didn't want to do insurance anymore so she left a 60K a year career to go back to school which I paid for for five years. So factor in (60K*5) + (120K for tuition) it was a basically a 420K swing over five years.

I've worked to support our family continually since 2000 and got laid off ONCE, I had a 14 month severance and by month two of looking for an appropriate job my wife was a nightmare to be around, she made me feel worthless and terrible like a lazy bum. She nitpicked if the house wasn't clean enough, or if dinner wasn't ready, she belittled me, I mean it was terrible. Eventually I got a job that surpassed my previous position and turned into an executive position and she acts like that time never happened. But I remember it, I remember that when I was down she kicked me and made me feel like total garbage.

I would NEVER and I mean NEVER marry a woman if she were the bread-winner. I can't imagine the amount of emasculation and outright abuse they throw at their husbands daily.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I think that the two of you have no idea how to fight fair. She attacks based on finances, and knows that your situation hurts you. You attack is relationship based, hurting her by threatening alienation. Each attack succeeds as it is aimed directly at a weakness. Time for both of you to see a marriage counselor. You both need to back off.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Disagree. We don't know that the OP has fallen short in the income / finances department. All we know is that his W wishes she had more. And that his kids go to private school and they vacation internationally twice a year.

Yeah he needs to apologize for the emotional affair. But if he is making good money and has a workable financial planthen he does not have to apologize for not meeting her need for wealth. Nor does he need to offer to work harder to placate her.

In fact he should do the opposite. "Wife, I don't want to work 12 hour days or travel regularly. I make a good salary and we will be fine by my plan. We can discuss your disappointment, but I have done well under difficult circumstances and won't live under a presumption that I am somehow deficient."



LucasJackson said:


> When the going got tough...
> 
> first, you cheated...
> 
> ...


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Janetandjohn said:


> So, my feeling is that this can't be ignored, that something has to be done. She says she didn't mean it and we should move on. What is your opinion?




This is not out of the ordinary I think your overreacting to it. I have heard it from my wife in frustration but you make the best of life you can. You are really not in control with how your life will turn out. Thank God that your healthy, your children are healthy and you have a future, tell her that. It could change in an instant, be thankful and humble for what you have. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

OP hasn't logged in since late September.

Maybe he will update the thread.


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