# Sobriety and Separation



## GratefulWBT (Dec 28, 2012)

For many years I have struggled with addiction. I have been in and out of AA for the last 12 years. Much of that time has been sober time thanks to the program. The longest span of sobriety I've had has been two years. My wife has stuck by me through all of this, and has tried to be supportive as best she could. However, she often resents the time I spend at meetings, which currently is about five meetings per week. This time last year I had been about six months into a relapse and my wife told me that she wanted me to stop drinking, that she wanted her best friend back, and that she wanted me to be there for our kids (two boys ages 2 & 5). She said she was in this thing (our marriage) for the long haul, and that she would do whatever she could to support me. I told her that I wanted the same things too. I had been wanting to quit drinking again for months, but was having a hard time getting started. It took about three months after that conversation for me to make it back to AA and stop drinking. After six months without alcohol I decided to work on another addiction. I had been on pain medication for five years because of problems with my back, and I was having as much difficulty quitting that as with alcohol. I started going for treatment for my opiate addiction and that is when things really started to change for me. I didn't realize how much the pain medication had been effecting my mood and behavior until I was off of it for a few weeks. I got my feelings back, and started showing my love and affection for my wife and kids again. I became much more involved, spending time with the children, taking care of them, cleaning up and taking care of the home, and began trying to reconnect with my wife. She suddenly changed, started giving me the cold shoulder, showed no interest in the relationship. Of course my response was to try harder, to do more for her and the kids, to try and show her how much I loved them, and how much I was working to change for good in AA. The house has been the most peaceful I believe it has ever been for the past three months. There have been no arguments or fights between my wife and I. Our communication has greatly improved. The kids want to be with their father again, they want me to put them to bed at night. Since I have been off the alcohol and pain medication, every area of my life has improved, but my wife seems to increasingly feel worse and further detach. She told me that she wanted to separate two weeks ago. She was not interested in going to marriage counseling. I probably did the wrong thing by trying to get her to stay and try the counseling. I made every effort to show her how much I loved her, and to make her Christmas as wonderful as possible. Before she decided to separate, I made my amends to her. At first I did so verbally, but when that didn't seem to help her I did so with a written letter. She says she forgives me and that she believes that we could truly be happy together, but she says that she is afraid I will return to using. I feel that I am truly done with drugs and alcohol this time. Things are much different than they were before; I am totally invested and committed to sobriety. It is my main concern, because it has to be if I am going to be of any value to my family, myself, or others. My wife is still living at home, sleeping in the same bed, but is still desiring separation. We cannot afford separate living quarters without first selling our home. She has not asked me to do that yet. I offered to put up an extra bed in another room of the house to provide some separation, but she says she is afraid how that will affect the kids. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to act. I've read lots of things and have been told to give her space and distance myself. I have tried to refrain from showing affection the past few days, and have been keeping to myself. She seems disappointed by that, but hasn't said so. She says she doesn't know who she is anymore, and wants to be separate to find out. She says she has been dependent on other people her whole life, and wants to see if she can make it on her own. She won't go to Alanon meetings, she's been before and says it doesn't help. As I said she is resistant to counseling, but I am thinking of going myself. I am just heartbroken and physically in pain. This is so difficult to try and deal with while getting sober at the same time. Although, I am committed to doing whatever it takes to get through it sober. I'm going to more meetings and growing my support group. How should I respond to my wife? How should I act at home? I try to remain loving, patient, and helpful, but to also give her time and space. I have never been physically abusive to her, my offense from addiction has been more of neglect. However, there were many times during drinking that I was verbally abusive. I don't do any of that anymore. I have tried to be calm, thoughtful, and open minded through all of this. I realize that years of neglect and wrong living cannot be undone in a matter of weeks or months. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to your responses and suggestions.
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

GratefulWBT, our stories aren't to dissimilar, if you get a chance read mine, perhaps it will give you some insight. The only thing that I can suggest is to give her time and let your actions speak for you. Everytime I became emotional, vulnerable, or needy it drove a wedge further between my wife and I. When I've acted like the confident secure man that I was, she comes closer. You have to come to terms with the fact that this was her choice, regardless of you, you have no control over her and her choices. So with that being said focus as much as you can on yourself and your children. Be the man you envision you want to be for yourself, not who she is telling you to be. This won't work. She fell in love with you, so be that man again, but do it for yourself. I hope that makes some sense.

I wish you luck, this has been a long and painful journey for me. I hope that yours is easier, however I have a feeling it's not. Regardless, stay strong and focus on your goals because that is the only thing that seems to work wel; at least for me. Come here when you are in need of support. You are not alone.
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## GratefulWBT (Dec 28, 2012)

bryane said:


> GratefulWBT, our stories aren't to dissimilar, if you get a chance read mine, perhaps it will give you some insight. The only thing that I can suggest is to give her time and let your actions speak for you. Everytime I became emotional, vulnerable, or needy it drove a wedge further between my wife and I. When I've acted like the confident secure man that I was, she comes closer. You have to come to terms with the fact that this was her choice, regardless of you, you have no control over her and her choices. So with that being said focus as much as you can on yourself and your children. Be the man you envision you want to be for yourself, not who she is telling you to be. This won't work. She fell in love with you, so be that man again, but do it for yourself. I hope that makes some sense.
> 
> I wish you luck, this has been a long and painful journey for me. I hope that yours is easier, however I have a feeling it's not. Regardless, stay strong and focus on your goals because that is the only thing that seems to work wel; at least for me. Come here when you are in need of support. You are not alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, your support and advice were very helpful. I would like to see that story of yours that you mentioned. I'm new to the site and so I am unsure of where to look. Any help there?
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

GratefulWBT here is a link....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62162-what-am-i-doing-wrong.html


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