# Wife wants more kids. I do not.



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

So another issue has arisen in the relationship with my wife. She wants another child I am happy with one. This is not a big issue at present, but I think it could be later. her siblings, as do mine, have multiple children. I like being a dad to our baby, hat does not mean I want to go through pregnancy and take care do a newborn again. I deal with PTSD, depression and bipolar. Couple those disorders,with being a father to a newborn and I feel,overwhelmed. 

Granted there are other parents out there with problems worse than mine and they do just fine. This is just my experience.

Recently I thought our marriage was Improving, now I am not so sure after our last fight. She did not think it was bad. I thought it was. Granted there are always arguments that are worse, but there are also many that are Better when compared with other relationships.

I have gone back to thinking divorce will ultimately happen. She admitted recently she was codependent. I think I may be too. She and I started seeing each other 2 months after she had ended a relationship. A big red flag which I ignored. I am also passive aggressive.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what are you two doing to deal with your issues?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

:/ What was her response to "no i don't want anymore". 

Also no more forever? Or no more right now?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You sure throw around alot of labels.

But, children need to be wanted by BOTH parents. Not just one.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would hold off until things are looking better and issues are being resolved/addressed and worked on by both parties.

You guys do want to give your children nice stable home right? Not just current child but also upcoming yeah?


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Well, you will feel overwhelmed as a new father, regardless of those issues. Being a parent is an entirely different type of love and exhaustion. BUT, you can be a great parent if you choose to be!!! 

The problems you suffer with are difficult. I am sorry. Depression, is a flickering flame. Unsettled. I try to think as positive as I can, then sometimes I have a more difficult time getting through it. Resting properly, eating well and omitting toxins, and poisons- (attitudes, foods, stress, etc)- out of your life also makes a big difference!!!

As far as having another child. That is so big. She really needs to understand that you are being honest with her about what you can handle mentally. Children aren't toys. You have to teach them, help them grow in every area in their lives and love them unconditionally. THEY ARENT JUST CUTE!!! Which is what I see a lot of women say, then following that comes the, I want another one...WHEW!!!


----------



## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Don't let this happen to you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CNHwhHWPoQ

Pathetically, most of the female audience agrees it's okay to 'dupe' a man into getting pregnant.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

pBear, therapy and meds mainly.

Turtle, kind of mixed. I think that she thinks eventually I may corm around to her idea. I increasingly think that is unlikely.

Hicks I do. I also think those labels are appropriate.

DoF I agree stability is key and that stability is slow in coming it seems.

Bkaydezz, i do feel overwhelmed, but I do enjoy being a father. I just want to be the best dad I can.

Dreald. Yep seen that. Cannot believe that people would think that is ok.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lancaster said:


> pBear, therapy and meds mainly.


As Dr. Phil would say, "So how's that workin' for ya?" Seriously.



lancaster said:


> I also think those labels are appropriate.


Why? They are just labels, nothing more. You say you are codependent. Ever read Melodie Beattie's classic, Codependent No More? Many codies have found it to be quite helpful.

This could be a deal-breaker. What is your wife's most compelling argument for having more than one child? I have many friends who have more than one. And they are scrambling to figure out how to get all the kids through college, even with scholarships and financial aid.

I'm also going to address this from my personal perspective as an only child: I HATED it. If my parents had a decent, loving marriage, I don't think I would have minded it. But I lived in a war zone, and I was desperate for a sibling to cling to.

If the marriage is on shaky ground for other reasons, don't have more children. JMO


----------



## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@lancaster, don't do it. Don't feel obligated to have another child because other family members have multiple and your wife wants to keep up. Unless you both AGREE to having another one don't do it. 

The issues you have to deal with on a daily basis are substantial to say the least and if she, your W, doesn't understand that then I don't know what to say...:scratchhead:

I get so tired of hearing how you can't just have one child because it's not fair to them...but yet people say how lucky we are that we only had one. My H and I both came from families with 4 kids and it was funny that we didn't want more than one
child ourselves. I guess sometimes more isn't better.

There's a saying about having kids...one is like having one, two is like having 20.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you think a woman should want, as the father of her baby, a man who has PTSD, Depression, Bipolar Disorder and is also Passive Agressive? Does anyone think about the needs of children any more?


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Did you two talk about children before getting married? Did you previously support the idea of more than one child?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Interesting question. Different from my situation, but similar in some ways.

Would love to hear women chime in on here regarding wanting more children while thier husband has decided not to want more children. Much like this OP, I think that denying your wife of more children (changing the plan from 2-3 kids to 1 child) could provoke a breakup or mega fight.. thoughts women?


----------



## bettercallsaul (May 30, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Interesting question. Different from my situation, but similar in some ways.
> 
> Would love to hear women chime in on here regarding wanting more children while thier husband has decided not to want more children. Much like this OP, I think that denying your wife of more children (changing the plan from 2-3 kids to 1 child) could provoke a breakup or mega fight.. thoughts women?


In my marriage, this issue has become a deal-breaker. My wife feels like I have stolen her choice for another child. I feel that adding a child would not be wise considering the unstable state of our marriage.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Prodigal, I am sure dr Phil gas a lot of good qualities, but IMO his show is not one of them. 

I believe the therapy, meds are working well for me. 

Noi have not read that book. Ty for the suggestion. I agree with your post in general. College etc is going to be expensive. 
We talked more about it today.

I certainly do not think our relationship is strong enough to have more children.

Hicks that is affair question indeed.

Starfish, I have made it clear for a while that my preference is for one child. We have talked about more, but I always said one is where I am at. We did talk about children before marriage. We were pregnant before getting married. 

Boston good point. I feel eventually that it could too.

Better, I could see my wife thinking that too eventually.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that she may want more kids to get more from any divorce settlement there may be in the future. The same thing happened to me. When our marriage started to fade, she wanted more kids. Her Plan worked beautifully, it made me stay in a horrible marriage for 25 years when I should have got out after 3 before our first was concieved. Please don't make the same mistake, leave her now or don't give her anymore kids.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Jb0 I hope that is not the case here. But, I will certainly try to keep that in mind. The more I read from people here and the more I think about it, the firmer I am becoming about not having anymore kids.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dreald said:


> Pathetically, most of the female audience agrees it's okay to 'dupe' a man into getting pregnant.


I would NEVER feel this way , HOWEVER....any woman who wants to have a family AND MORE THAN ONE CHILD...it is her obligation to make sure , the man also wants and has similar dreams of family....being in agreement before she walks down the aisle with him.. 

As a mother of 6.. it would have been a firm deal breaker if my H did not want a growing family.... 



> Starfish, I have made it clear for a while that my preference is for one child. We have talked about more, but I always said one is where I am at. *We did talk about children before marriage. We were pregnant before getting married*.


 Ok ... I see what happened now... the leap was taken before you had a firm agreement or vision for your future...so you are left now with a tug of war....a very large one.. this is not a minor issue. 

The problem with this scenario is... if she caves FOR YOU...she may resent you for the rest of her life, feeling you denied her the family she dreamed of... and if you cave for HER...you may blame her for every hardship after a 2nd child... this is just no good... Just understand this is what you are dealing with...

I was an only child.. I hated it.. it's why I wanted a larger family.... at least it sounds your wife already has a larger family, is she very close and connected with them?? ... maybe this helps some.. I don't know...

What do you feel drives her desire for wanting more children?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lancaster said:


> Prodigal, I am sure dr Phil gas a lot of good qualities, but IMO his show is not one of them.


Dr. Phil probably has a good deal of "gas" as you say. I'm merely using a quote that is attributed to him. I don't watch his show. Lighten up, a bit, okay? I'm not espousing Phil's mantra, merely quoting a popular saying. Really. And in this case, it is relevant. How IS it working for ya?



lancaster said:


> Noi have not read that book. Ty for the suggestion.


Ask your counselor about the book. If you are a codie, it should be a go-to resource. I first read it 20 years ago. Didn't have a clue what Beattie was talking about. I was too deeply mired in my codependency to see past my spouse's problems.



lancaster said:


> ... I have made it clear *for a while *that my preference is for one child. We have talked about more, *but I always said *one is where I am at. We did talk about children before marriage. We were pregnant before getting married.


I'm a bit confused here. Have you been advocating one child only from the get-go, prior to marriage? Or has it only be "a while"? I don't know how long you and your wife have been together, both pre-marriage and marriage.

So she was pregnant prior to marriage. How did you feel about that? Doubting? Anxious? Confused? Joyful? 

Did both of you plan this pregnancy, to some extent, or was it a total surprise?


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would have liked three or four children. My husband only ever wanted two. We have two.

One child would have been a deal breaker for me. As it was, no more babies after my second was very hard for a while. 

I believe you need two yeses to have a baby, and only one no. And I love my husband very much and love our little family. So I came to terms with having only two children. 

If he had pulled the plug after one I think I would have left him. I couldn't have kept loving him if he had taken the possibility of another baby from me. I would have resented him far too much.


----------



## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

This might come off as manipulative but talk to your wife about coparenting. Because if this is a deal breaker for you, then thats what she'll be doing with the child you two currently have.

It also works both ways, you'll be coparenting while she is free to have as many children as she wants.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

With these situations the no always wins. That being said you need to be honest 100% with her about not wanting more so she can make her own decision.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

SimplyAm, great post. Yes my wife comes from a large family. She has several brothers and sisters. I was an only child, but close to my extended family e.g cousins who I saw almost daily.

W thinks a sibling is nice to have for children. I believe cousins, who our son will have a lot of is sufficient. 

Babies take a lot out of me and I do not want to replay this again. W and both our families think I am a great father. But inside I find it really hard work and stressful.

I think we are indeed in a tug of war now as you correctly pointed out. I also think whatever outcome comes about there would be resentments as you rightly stated. 

Prodigal, when W and I first began dating I talked of a larger family. But said due to costs e.g college and the like one would be my preference. My mistake was that I said I would perhaps consider more if we had a larger income, after her family and mine began going on about how one child was not enough. But I then went back to the one child idea. 

One of my character flaws is that I am a people pleaser.

My wife and I have been together less than 2 years altogether. The pregnancy was a surprise. My emotions during the pregnancy were happy, confused, but mainly nervous.

Lyris, thanks for your experience. I do not think W could be happy with only one and no more either over the long term.

Tainted that may happen here.


Wolf. I think she is not ready to yet believe that I am serious.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I am an only child who chose to have only one child. I did have a miscarriage a couple of years after my son was born (unplanned pregnancy) and after I recovered I went back to my original plan of one child. My then-husband agreed one child was enough for us. I had cousins I was close to, as did my son, so neither of us missed not having siblings. My husband, on the other hand, had several siblings and was never close to them. He hasn't spoken to them in decades. You just never know.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lancaster said:


> ... when W and I first began dating I talked of a larger family. But said due to costs e.g college and the like one would be my preference. My mistake was that I said I would perhaps consider more if we had a larger income, after her family and mine began going on about how one child was not enough. But I then went back to the one child idea.
> 
> One of my character flaws is that I am a people pleaser.


Are you a people pleaser in the hopes that people will like you, not argue with you, and everything will be smooth sailing?

I guess this situation has shown you that you cannot please people, people are not our main source of happiness, and life isn't smooth sailing. 



lancaster said:


> My wife and I have been together less than 2 years altogether.


Ouch. Less than two years, and you are married with a baby. I'm not saying it doesn't work out for some folks. But you are an admitted people-pleaser. 

You have to make some serious decisions. Because it appears your people-pleasing has painted you into a corner. You, my friend, are between a rock and a hard place. 

And right now nobody is pleased.


----------



## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

My wife and I went through the same issue. My wife was a SA victim, so we struggled with intimacy, sex, etc... I said, if we can work through these issues, I will consider it, but I would prefer to have one. 

Guess what? Nearly seven years later, my wife is just now starting to work on her issues, and we only have one child. I don't regret it at all. If she had chosen not to work on her issues it would have been a deal breaker. I'd say the same for you. Take care of yourself before you even consider having another child.

I was an only child of an abusive father who suffered from bipolar, manic depression, severe depression, etc.. Most of my years as a child he was not medicated, so he would be physically abusive at a moment's notice. I thank God there was not another child for him to unleash his fury on.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Open minded that is sad about the miscarriage, but., like you I was close to cousins growing up.

Prodigal I am a people pleaser in all the areas you mentioned. I have been working on it for years, but I still have a long way to go. Lately it feels as though I have been backsliding big time.

You are right. Happiness is an inside job. It is not the responsibility of others to make me happy, which is an area I have not been strong in lately.

Your post has been spot on. Nothing I can really disagree with there.

Tipsy, true. I need to remind my wife that I have my own issues to deal with and that I do not think bringing another child into the mix is the responsible thing to do.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If I remember correctly, you did not know your wife well before you married and even considered not getting married. You talked yourself into the marriage. She tuned into an abusive person. You talked yourself into tolerating it. Now you are talking yourself into bringing another child into the situation. 

A child should be brought up in a loving harmonious home. A woman who cannot control her anger or her mouth is not a good candidate for creating such an environment. Make sure there are no "accidents" Use condoms and be careful. Did you look into PD and does your wife fit?


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Catherine, you are exactly right. What is PD?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lancaster said:


> Catherine, you are exactly right. What is PD?


Personality disorder. She may have some traits of PD. Google it and see if she fits. Knowledge is power. PD are difficult to alter. She is likely to be as she is now for the rest of your marriage. 

Please don't let her or her family talk you into having another child. It's not their business.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Personality disorder. She may have some traits of PD. Google it and see if she fits. Knowledge is power. PD are difficult to alter. She is likely to be as she is now for the rest of your marriage.
> 
> Please don't let her or her family talk you into having another child. It's not their business.


I don't think she has any PDs, although I could be wrong. Would not be the first time. She does have a temper, which she readily admits to.

She was extremely spoilt when growing up. Her family made a lot of money in the trucking industry. So she got whatever she wanted.


I do not think that she takes me seriously when I say I do not want anymore children. I think she is used to getting her own way, so she thinks that eventually she will break me down.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I didnt want anymore after my son was born. Hospital I choose to have him at was Catholic and wouldnt do a tubal. 4.5 years later I got pregnant agan and had my daughter. I do not regret having her, im happy I didnt get my tubes tied after my son. However right after she was born I had my tubes tied. 

You just know when you are done. I did not ask for my husbands permission to get my tubes tied, because hes not the one who takes care of them, I am. He wanted more..


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Ladybird I think I kind of understand where you are coming from. I want a vasectomy, but my wife is utterly opposed.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lancaster said:


> Ladybird I think I kind of understand where you are coming from. I want a vasectomy, but my wife is utterly opposed.


If you're sure, get it done.

It's your body.

It's up to her to decide what she wants more, another kid or to stay married to you.

My wife very much wanted more, we went back and forth, then finally I just got it done. She is sad at times, but has also admitted that she's relieved because we know we're now done, we don't have to think about it any more.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lancaster said:


> Ladybird I think I kind of understand where you are coming from. I want a vasectomy, but my wife is utterly opposed.


No one can force you to have more children, including your wife. Its your body. You dont need permission from her or anyone. If you just do it she will know you are serious.. If you are 100% sure you are done having children, id say do it.


----------



## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

i hope things work out!


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

lancaster said:


> I don't think she has any PDs, although I could be wrong. Would not be the first time. She does have a temper, which she readily admits to.
> 
> She was extremely spoilt when growing up. Her family made a lot of money in the trucking industry. So she got whatever she wanted.
> 
> ...


The same thing happened to me. My wife was spoiled growing up and was used to getting her way all the time. In the begining, we didn't have the money for a larger family but she wanted it anyway along with the big house and to spend on what ever she wanted to. I think we should have stopped at either one or two, it would have made it easier for me to leave when things in our marriage went south.


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

lancaster, are you considering divorce because she has been abusive, or because of the issues you listed in your first post?


----------

