# Mother in law has major issues. Help!



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

This is really long but we REALLY need help so please read. 

Let me start off by saying that I've posted about my mother in law before and I received some pretty harsh comments. I see now that I probably deserved them because I realize I was being very judgmental and hurtful. It was because at that point in time, I didn't really see the severity of the situation. After my husband and I spent some time with her over the thanksgiving holidays, I now see her situation completely differently. I mean that with total sincerity and I apologize if I offended anyone with my other posts. I promise I'm not as horrible of a person as I presented myself to be, and I'd really appreciate it if you could disregard all of that and give me some helpful answers. 

I explained some of her background in previous posts but just in case anyone missed that, I explain it again. My mother in law is 54 years old, she has a 19 year old son who lives with her, he doesn't work and neither does she. Her husband died about 10 years ago, leaving her responsible for making the mortgage payments and paying the utilities. When he died, she started receiving his social security checks. Every month she would get one for her and one for her son. This has been her only source of income ever since. It wasn't a lot of money but it was plenty to pay the mortgage, bills, buy groceries, etc.... She was doing just fine. The problem is that she was told from the beginning that there would come a time when the checks would stop coming. The check that she was receiving for herself would only last for a few years and her sons check would stop coming as soon as he graduated high school.

So this is something that she has known would happen for years now. Everyone assumed that she would start looking for a job and that she would have one by the time the checks stopped coming. Instead, she has been doing the opposite. A couple years ago she asked my husband and I for $1000 because she was 2 months behind on her mortgage. I was reluctant because I didn't want her asking us for money to turn into a regular thing. We are both young and haven't been married long. We are trying to save money so that we can buy our own home and pay off our debts. I didn't want anyone to interfere with this. My husband is the type of guy who helps anyone... Family or not. And at the time he didn't realize he severity of the situation. He just thought his mom made a mistake and that it was a one time thing. According to him, she had never asked him for money before.

So he gave her the money and the problem was solved for the time being. Fast forward, here we are in the same predicament. My mother in laws check stopped coming a couple years ago and earlier this year her son's stopped coming too when he graduated high school. She has been going 5 months now with absolutely zero income at all. I think her father and other family members have been helping pay some of her bills but it's getting to the point where no one can help her anymore. Her mortgage payment is $600 a month and not to mention utilities. It's just possible for my husband or any of his other family members to give her that type of money every month, nor would it be in her best interest. Her best interest is to get a job and support herself like everyone else in the world but she refuses to get one. I used to think it was just because she's lazy but there's more to it than that. She has some serious mental problems and it's to the point where it's keeping her from being able to make sensible decisions. This, combined with the fact that she is an alcoholic.

My husband and other family members have told her and her son both that they need to get jobs. They're both adults and they need to start taking responsibility for themselves. Both of them just seem to make excuses. The last couple times my husband and I have visited her, she has asked us to buy her cigarettes and alcohol. I strongly disapprove because not only is it a waste of money, but it's contributing to her problems. It's not helping her, it's only enabling her to keep doing what she's doing. 

My husband agrees that it's enabling her and wants to tell her "no" but he's afraid to. He doesn't want to upset her... He's even afraid she might become suicidal if she didn't get what she wanted. So even though I don't agree with what he does, I try to understand where he is coming from because I know it has to be extremely confusing and heartbreaking to deal with something like this especially when it's your own mother. 

Over the weekend, she had been drinking after my husband had apparently bought her some alcohol that she had requested, and she began to get very emotional. She basically broke down in front of us, saying how depressed she is. She said she never leaves the house, she hates that her house is so dirty and she feels like she's living in a trash pile. She was crying about not having money and saying that her mortgage hasn't been paid in months and she's going to lose her house. The house is pretty much gone and there's nothing we can do about it. I don't know of any family member that's going to keep shelling out $600 a month while she sits around on the computer playing games all day. It's just not reasonable. So everyone has accepted that the house is gone, it doesn't really matter. Everyone is just concerned for HER and her mental state.

My husband and his brother (another brother, not the 19 year old one) flat out told her that if she wants money, she needs to get a job. It's the only way. She then proceeded to say "ok.... But I don't have a way to get here! My car doesn't have insurance and my tag is expired." This is not something that a logical, normal person would say if they were in need of money. My husbands brother literally lives right next to her, and her sister lives right behind her. There's plenty of people that could take her, and if she really wanted a job bad enough she would drive herself regardless of having car insurance or not. 

She was just really not making any sense and it killed my husband to see her like that. The next morning he decided he would take her to the doctor and try to get her on some medication. It's clear to him and everyone else that this is the first step. She's not going to get a job or do anything else until she gets her head straight. The problem is, when she drinks she gets emotional and wants to talk about all her problems....but then other times she is in denial and says she has no problem. She gets embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. Well by this morning she had sobered up and she was back to her usual self, acing like nothing was wrong. 

My husband was worried that she wouldn't cooperate and that he wouldn't be able to get her to go to the doctor. So his plan was to take her out to lunch, just to get her out of the house at least, and then he was going to ask her if he could take her to the doctor. He knew that if he had told her his plans in the first place, He wouldn't have even gotten her out of the house. He took her out to lunch and then he ended up chickening out. He said he didn't think he would get her to agree to go, and he knew it would probably just upset her so he didn't want to bring it up. So he knows that he is enabling her in some ways and that it's wrong, but he's afraid to do what he needs to do. I explained to him that he needs to be pushy with her about it.

I told him he needs to say "I'm not paying for your alcohol, cigarettes, or giving you any money for anything anymore. I'm done enabling you and everyone else is too. This is your only other option". He's just not a confrontational person and he doesn't like to force things on anyone.. But this is something that I feel has to be done. And he's her son so I feel it would be better coming from him than me. I told him if he can convince her to get on some antidepressants or some kind of medication that I wouldn't mind at all if he pays for her doctor visit or her prescriptions. I just want her to get back to normal for her sake and for ours. It's just too much stress and too much to deal with. My plan is hopefully after being on the medication for a while, she will start improving, get a job and be able to pay for her medicine herself or maybe even stop taking it completely if the time is right. 

My husband was actually the one who told me to come here and ask for advice because he just doesn't know what else to do. I've already told him my suggestions and he agrees for the most part but he's just confused and afraid. What can I say to get him to overcome his fears and do what he needs to do? Does anyone have any other suggestions? We need help desperately! I don't want this to get to the point where it jeopardizes our marriage.
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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

All plans are good plans, but only of the person responsible buys into the plans.

If her mortgage payment is only 600 a month, saving that asset would be the best move. Giving her money is the worst move. Just pay the mortgage for her, if possible. What will happen to her once the bank forecloses? With whom will she and the 19 year old live? Think it's hard to say no now, how hard do you think life will be once they are homeless?

Get her to AA, not to the doctor. Medication isn't going to cure her. Not drinking anymore will. Becoming a sober person will. Can you make her stop drinking? Of course not, so you can't make her go to the doctor, be honest about her drinking, and taking any medicine prescribed.

Focus on the 19 year old. Help him find a job. Help him get his life on track. You have a better chance with him than you do with her.

Your husband should never ever give her money and why the hell would any of you buy her booze knowing she has a drinking problem? Pay her mortgage, buy her food, but never give her money!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

While antidepressant may help, with her drinking you need to tell the doctor how much she drinks as the two don't combine. Get your BIL to look into school, at the very least a community college. Also, for her there are many programs that help women like her get a job. You need to understand things have changed, she's probably not familiar with resumes and how to apply. Long gone are the days you could walk in and get a job. Treat her with compassion too, everyone telling her to get a job is not a solution, help her get a job. Look at her things, is there anything she can sell? She also would benefit from IC, I'd look into getting her that too.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You all know what you need to do, but none of you have the balls to do it. And then to follow through on it. This is why you're all in the situation you're in. So any advice we give you is pointless. 

C
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How much is owed in the home? If you can afford to, keep up with the mortgage payments and sell the home. Get her a condo, something smaller. Or reach out to the agencies that Help prevent home foreclosure.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Your best bet is to talk to an elder care attorney. While not quite elderly, she is getting on and has some kind of disability even though it's not something we like to think of as a disability, it's interfering with life so it's disabling. 

An elder care attorney can advise about things like buying the house from her if you are going to be paying the mortgage, treating it like an investment and putting the proceeds into a trust in which her living expenses will come from, etc. The attorney can also advise on having a person declared incompetent so that they can be hospitalized for treatment. 

As for the 19 year old I think someone needs to release him from whatever burden his mother is putting upon him, threats of suicide are never good for a child who should be venturing forth from the nest. Imagine the stress if he's at a job, wondering if his mother will be dead or passed out when he comes home. I wouldn't be so judgmental at the 19 year old not getting a job until there is some assurance that someone else more capable is in charge of his mother. He may not realize that he is supposed to have choices, and he also may not realize that if his mother has been cashing his checks after he turned 18, that she's guilty of theft whether or not he had graduated from high school. He should be reimbursed for at least that amount, talk to the attorney about it.

You need to know your rights and possible obligations before you go trying to succeed in steering the status quo towards a better future.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. Ok, I don't know if I mentioned this but we do not live near my mother in law. We live in North Carolina, She lives in Georgia. We only get to see her maybe every 4 or 5 months. So, its not really possible for us to be there everyday, driving her around to put in applications, or driving her son anywhere. All we can do is tell both of them how important it is that they BOTH get a job and its the only solution to their problems. I suppose we could go online and look for available jobs, but thats not really an option either because my husband works 60-70 hours a week so literally the only spare time he has is on weekends. I work too and I also take care of all the household duties so its not like I just sit around all day with nothing to do either. My mother in law does nothing BUT sit around on the computer all day. Im not saying that as an insult, Im just being honest. She literally has nothing but time.... instead of using her computer to play games and watch movies, she should be looking for jobs. 

We dont live close by but there are plenty of family members that do. My husband has a 31 year old brother who lives directly beside my mother in law. And she also has a sister who lives in a double wide trailer right behind her. The sister lives on HER property so unless she can afford to have her double wide moved somewhere else, she will probably be losing her home too. My husband's brother lives in a huge two story house with plenty of room, so most likely my mother in law will live with him. I think he would be the ideal person to live with because he is right next to her and he has a lot of space. I dont know about her sister. She has a 25 year old son herself, and he lives pretty close by, so most likely she would probably live with him. All I know is I highly doubt anyones going to end up truly "homeless" because theres plenty of family members who I know would offer to let her live with them. All I know is its not an option for her to live with us. I dont think I could handle that and I could see it causing some HUGE problems in our marriage.

We try to help all we can but when you live 400 miles away, theres only so much you can do. My husband's cousin (his mom's sister's son) actually drove the 19 year old son to get a job application a few weeks ago. I guess he got sick of everyone telling him he needed to get a job and not seeing him do anything about it. So he took it upon himself to go over there and kind of force him to put in an application. He actually ended up getting an interview but didnt get the job. 

As far as saving the house, she pretty much has no mortgage anymore. When you haven't paid it in 5 months, there isnt much else you can do. Her house is getting foreclosed on and its too late to do anything. My husband and I already gave her $1000 at one time because she got behind on her mortgage. We do not have an endless supply of money. We're not going to pay all his moms bills and then have to worry if we're going to be able to pay our OWN bills. We have our own debts, bills, payments, etc...

There is $40,000 left on her house. Like I said, its to the point where the house can't be saved, and we're really not concerned with it anymore. If she can just get the drinking and the depression under control, she would eventually be able to get a job and she could find somewhere much cheaper than $600 a month to live. Thats the thing that we are hoping to achieve here. But the problem is that I know what needs to be done and my husband knows what needs to be done but hes too afraid to do it.

I want to repeat, I do NOT agree with him buying her alcohol and cigarettes. Ive told him before, if she can't afford to buy them and she has to go without, one of two things will happen. Either that will give her enough incentive to want a job, or she will go into withdrawls and she will stop. He understands this but hes afraid that if he says "No" to her, that it will make her more depressed and that maybe she will even get suicidal. I told him that if he really thinks she might kill herself, he needs to put her in a mental hospital... but he doesn't want to do that either.

I will mention to him about the elder care attorney. That is something we have not looked into. 

I just want to know what can I possibly say to my husband to make him get over his fears and do what he needs to do. He agrees with everything that I say but he won't go through any of it. 

The depression isnt the only main issue. My husband and I have both agreed that she needs to go to AA... but everytime i bring it up to him, he just says "She won't do it. Sometimes she acts like she has a problem but most of the time she denies that anything is wrong at all. I can't force her to do anything". He said the same thing this weekend when he was going to take her to the doctor to get on medication and he changed his mind. 

I understand she is his mother and regardless of the fact that she got HERSELF into all this mess, he still is going to want to help her. Thats fine, but at this point he is "helping" her in ways that are only making her worse, and hes completely avoiding helping her in the ways that he really needs to. I mean technically he is right. You cant physically FORCE someone to go to AA, or to make them go in medication.... but why not at least try?? Im fine with him helping her but we still have our marriage to think about, first and foremost. There still needs to be boundaries.... If it gets to the point where its putting too much of a strain on our marriage, financially or emotionally, its crossing that boundary. There is only so much you can do for a person... they have to want to help themselves before anyone else can help.


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## Awe (Aug 16, 2012)

It's as PBear said.

You know what needs to be done. Your husband knows it too.

He's just being a wussy about it.

Don't stand for it.

Refuse to give her any more money for anything. Tell your husband you refuse to listen to anything further about his mother until he does what he needs to do. Tell him to grow a pair.

I've had to do it before. My parents used to request money from me a fair bit. I told them it wasn't happening anymore. Yeah it sucked telling them that, but I wasn't going to stand for their mooching off of me.

You and your husband need to do what's right for you. And your mother in law needs to hit rock bottom before she'll pick herself up.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Sell the house and she can use the equity to pay for the rental of a small apartment for many years to come.


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