# Ups & Downs of Reconciliation???



## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Here I go rambling again! 

I need to know that I'm not going crazy and that these swings are normal. I need to hear about more successful reconciliation stories, especially ones where one partner had major depression or PTSD or mid-life crisis symptoms.

Monday I was in a downer mood in general. My DH is still firmly in his roller coaster, wants to reconcile, but is still very scared of either way (reconcile or divorce). He is home and is making GREAT progress towards improving his part of our problems. But he wanted to talk about what divorce would look like, without actually doing it, so that he could understand it better. I remember him saying that he doesn't really want divorce, but wanted to understand how we would handle some of the issues that he's the most scared about. Some of the issues actually affect us even if we stay married, so we're starting to think of ways to address them more as an effort to help us as married couple.

So, Monday & Tuesday we talked about divorce, but mostly about his fears about divorce. We actually learned a lot about each other and about ourselves, but it was VERY stressful. Then we had MC Wednesday and he felt like she attacked him. He didn't realize this until a little while later. While we were hugging to get into our own vehicles after therapy (we meet there), he said he really wants "us" to work. But then he thought about the session on his way home and go really mad. In his mind, since I didn't defend him, I must be her accomplice. He went to bed angry and didn't want to talk much. 

So by Thursday I was exhausted (not sleeping because of the stress) and told him I wanted him to move back to the condo. I told him that I need the commitment to the marriage and didn't want to continue to put so much effort towards it when I felt there is still a decision to be made on his part. We talked for a long time.

I feel like we really are reconciling, but that we are also dealing with his mid-life crisis / depression right along with it. I think that if it weren't for that issue, we'd be moving along a lot more comfortably.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The swings are very normal.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it is pretty common for both spouses to have some mood swings and generally unsure of what to do at times. It does concern me that your H doesn't seem to know what he wants. I think if my H had not known that he still wanted me it would have broke me and we would probably not be together now. 

Do you feel as though the marriage counselor attacked him?


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Do you feel as though the marriage counselor attacked him?


I don't know that it was "attack" - but it was very strong and went a bit too far. It started out good where she was addressing some of my concerns, but then she veered off track. But my husband was nodding, so I though it was meaning something to him. Looking back, I think the thing that got my husband's hackles up was when the counselor started talking about how gravely the kids are affected in divorce. My husband has never specifically stated he wants a divorce. She even described a kid that she sees who cried himself to sleep for years, both parents had remarried and were clueless he'd been crying himself to sleep most nights.

Probably a bit overboard!!!

I'm not happy that he's still not 100% sure. But then I think that maybe 1/2 the people who are 100% sure at the earliest stages of reconciliation are probably kidding themselves???

I can say that the talk of divorce really scared him. He firmly believes he doesn't want that for any of us, including himself. Sor for now, I'm taking that to mean that he's committed, but just can't say so in certain terms yet.

Crazy!!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Cat3CatGirl said:


> I don't know that it was "attack" - but it was very strong and went a bit too far. It started out good where she was addressing some of my concerns, but then she veered off track. But my husband was nodding, so I though it was meaning something to him. Looking back, I think the thing that got my husband's hackles up was when the counselor started talking about how gravely the kids are affected in divorce. My husband has never specifically stated he wants a divorce. She even described a kid that she sees who cried himself to sleep for years, both parents had remarried and were clueless he'd been crying himself to sleep most nights.
> 
> Probably a bit overboard!!!
> 
> ...


 Yeah, it sounds like she wasn't so much attacking him as she was trying to scare him into staying ( unnecessarily). I would ask her about it next time. Approach it with how you explained it here. 

My specific boundary is odd on R. If he would have not known if he wanted us to still be married, I would have walked. But that was also after 3 years of him not dealing with his PTSD and neglecting me in many ways. At that point, I wouldn't have been able to handle any uncertainty from him. But each case is so different even though they are the same. Make any sense? LOL


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Yes Dawn, that makes sense. You had alredady reached your limit! I'm frustrated and thought I had reached my limit. But after talking, I think that it was just normal swings of a stressful process.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Yes Dawn, that makes sense. You had alredady reached your limit! I'm frustrated and thought I had reached my limit. But after talking, I think that it was just normal swings of a stressful process.


I am sure it is, and don't get me wrong, there were point where we both questioned if we SHOULD r, but he was always very specific that he wanted to. 

Have you found a good way to relieve stress yet Cat?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I apologize in advance if I come out a bit strong...being a BS kind of does that sometimes.

If your husband, the one who had the affair, is having a mid-life crisis and is having issues with reconciliation then he needs to either pull his head out of his a$$ or understand completely what he has done to your marriage.

I understand PTSD. I understand being abused both sexually AND verbally as a child - I suffered both.

Do NOT allow those things to be a reason or an excuse for his behavior. Instead, ask why. Why did he think that having an affair would work for him? Why did he think having a, pardon me for a minute, a stupid f'ng orgasm would make life better?

If you, being the betrayed spouse go to bed with him being "angry" about the way crap went down in MC, then a little reassessment seems in order.

You take care of YOU. Don't take any kind of blame from the actions of an affair.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

No Dawn. Not good at relieving stress. I used to be a walker (for exercise), but had some foot problems taken care of recently. I think I am just about back to being able to exercise walk and should start seeing how that goes. 

And to tell the truth, I think I've been burring my feelings the past week or so. That is the major malfunction that I'm fixing in me. Guess I had a slip-up!!!

It felt really good to get that off my chest with him yesterday. I think it was good for both of us. I don't know what it was specifically, but we hugged each other and it felt more like the hugs we gave each other in our EARLY days - like 15+ years ago. Hadn't felt that good to hug in a LONG time and we both commented on it, like we were trying to melt into each other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She even described a kid that she sees who cried himself to sleep for years, both parents had remarried and were clueless he'd been crying himself to sleep most nights.


Was your MC that child, I wonder? Might be the reason she became an MC...


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Thank you Someday. I am learning how to take care of myself. I can do fine on my own, but learning how to navigate relationships without giving up so much of my own needs.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Cat3CatGirl said:


> like we were trying to melt into each other.


I like the spooning trying to get in front of Regret....


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