# Do you really need sex?



## flora (May 28, 2012)

I have been a long time lurker and always came to this forum because of my own problems with my lack of wanting sex. I thought something was wrong with me but now I realize after reading alot of threads that I have a right to not have sex. What I don't get is everyone telling posters that they are being abused because of the lack of sex or there partners are evil for saying no. 

What makes it a human right in a marriage to require sex when the other partner isn't in the mood. It seems really one sided to me. 

I will give me my situation from the beginging I wanted sex with my husband because he was new and I had a much better sex drive. Then I have a baby and eight years later I am always sick. I am told I am a ***** for not giving it when he wants it or he will pout like a two year old. Yeah that makes me horny let me tell you!!

Did you ever consider that maybe just maybe your wives are not doing it to be mean. They have emotional or physical issues that makes it so they don't get turned on. Why does a marriage have to built around sex so much? It is a selfish desire nothing more nothing less. If you don't have sex you will not die! (medical fact) I have a desire to go to Spain but if I ask my husband can we go and he say's we can't should I pout and call him a assh**e because of it no! That would be a selfish act on my part. Alot of you call your wives selfish but on the same token I see you being selfish because you require a BJ or sex. If my husband left me because of lack of sex than so be it. Why should any women or man give in just so a partner won't leave them. What an awful way to live. Just my two cents!


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I think it should be a compromise. Sometimes you're going to do it when you don't feel like you're in the mood and sometimes he's going to not get it because you're sick or whatever. 

If you've got emotional or physical issues going on, it is your responsibility to get those things taken care of (counseling, doctor, etc) because it really is unfair to expect your spouse to become celibate and remain faithful to you, why get married into that? Marriage is give and take, you can't always be the giver and you can't always be the taker. One sided relationships go sour, real fast, and usually end (give or take a few decades)


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

flora said:


> I have been a long time lurker and always came to this forum because of my own problems with my lack of wanting sex. I thought something was wrong with me but now I realize after reading alot of threads that I have a right to not have sex. What I don't get is everyone telling posters that they are being abused because of the lack of sex or there partners are evil for saying no.
> 
> What makes it a human right in a marriage to require sex when the other partner isn't in the mood. It seems really one sided to me.
> 
> ...


just...
wow
lol


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

flora,

You absolutely have the right to live a life of celibacy.

You do not have the right to force your husband to do the same.

Marriage itself is the promise of faithful monogamous physical love.
To have some one promise to have such a need met by one person and only one person then to have that one person refuse to meet that need is a form of abuse.

You do indeed have the right to remain celibate just as your husband has the right to engage in sex.
These two positions are diametrically opposed and for that reason a compromise must be made or the relationship must be ended.

Personally, if my wife didn`t want me sexually I`d divorce her pretty quickly.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, I need it and I want it more then my husband. I can't wait until he gets home from his fishing/camping trip with his cousin and brother.

I'll probably attack him at the door. Ugh, I wish he was home now.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

yet you still expect him to stay with you AND be faithful, right?


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Well, OP, just my two cents...here goes.
> 
> Most men are not happy in a sexless marriage. I hope it's safe to say most women either.
> 
> ...


I honestly would not stay in a sexless relationship. There is no way I'd do that to myself, there are plenty of men in the world who would be happy with having sex multiple times a week


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

flora said:


> You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


then you dont need to be married.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

why would you marry someone you didn't want to have sex with? Did you marry just for someone to be around? to help with the housework? to change lightbulbs?

don't get it

if you don't want to have sex then don't get married!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, I am going to guess that you didn't anticipate that sex would be an integral part of marriage? It isn't THE MOST IMPORTANT thing, for sure. But, it IS important. No, a spouse should not be badgered into having sex when ill or otherwise incapable of performing. However, it isn't unrealistic that the other spouse shouldn't be upset that the intimacy is lacking. I don't know about you, but I would rather have sex with my husband, even when not feeling 100% well, than to have him go out and find some cheap wh0re to fulfill that need. 

And that's MY 2 cents.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

flora said:


> You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


Why are you married to him then? If you can't enjoy the gift you share with this one person that you share with no one else, why would you want to be married? You'd find it hard to be with a man who doesn't care about sex and is happy not having it. But ouch, I feel sorry for your husband, I'd die if I found out that my S/O just laid there and didn't enjoy it and got angry with me.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

flora said:


> You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


You need to change that reaction or let your husband move on to find a woman who will appreciate him.

Marriage is about SEX, ultimately the institution itself is about sex and reproduction.
It`s the entire purpose of the concept.

Why would I as a man want to be married to a woman who not only didn`t desire me but was repulsed and resentful of me?

I wouldn`t, no man would, no man worth having anyway.

You don`t want to **** him but I`m betting you don`t want anyone else ****ing him either huh?
Selfish much?

You whine about the chore of sex but you still enjoy the benefits your husband brings to the table.
What do you bring to the marriage?
It better be something damn good if it`s to replace sex in a mans mind.

Lol


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Yes, I need it and I want it more then my husband. I can't wait until he gets home from his fishing/camping trip with his cousin and brother.
> 
> I'll probably attack him at the door. Ugh, I wish he was home now.


I know what you mean... It's been nearly a week since hubby and I have had sex and I'm going crazy. He hasn't been feeling well, so I haven't pushed him. I may attack him tonight tho.... I'm a bit agitated.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It seems like this is an issue that you are very passionate about.

Not having sex in a marriage is just as cruel as demanding it regardless of medical issues. Consideration goes both ways. 

Remember, nobody gets married to be celibate. Lovemaking in a marriage is one of the joys of being a spouse. If you feel that the desire for sex is selfish, you are simply not suited for marriage or an adult relationship. Did you only get married so you could have children?

Perhaps you are making this issue about power, so you feel that you are being strong by not "giving in." You are free to believe what you choose, but be aware of the detrimental consequences of constantly refusing sex. If your husband leaves you because you are reluctant to be intimate, any man that you try to have a relationship with will eventually tire of his needs not being considered.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

I respect all of your answers but I guess I am angry and feeling hopeless because I am very sick and having been told I am a bi*ch for not giving in all of the time. You are right I don't need to be married because if a man is going to leave me because I am not in the mood at his every whim whether being sick where I can't get up sometimes or just really am not feeling horny than I would rather be single. To answer your question I have Chronic Leukemia.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Is your illness a chronic thing?


To answer your question I have Chronic Leukemia.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

That's the thing Flora, he really can't expect it at the snap of his fingers. How often do you guys have sex? If you're having it 7 days a week and he's getting pissy because he wants it 8 times a week, well yeah, I could see getting rather irritated about it. But if you're only having sex once a week, ehh I could see why he would want it more. I am a high libido gal, I could have sex twice a day, every day and I'd be thrilled, but right now I have sex about 3 days a week, I'm okay with that because my S/O has a lower drive than I do, and I'm fine with our compromise. If he wanted it more, I'd be more than willing to oblige, if he wanted it less, I'd be severely disappointed and not be okay with that.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> That's the thing Flora, he really can't expect it at the snap of his fingers. How often do you guys have sex? If you're having it 7 days a week and he's getting pissy because he wants it 8 times a week, well yeah, I could see getting rather irritated about it. But if you're only having sex once a week, ehh I could see why he would want it more. I am a high libido gal, I could have sex twice a day, every day and I'd be thrilled, but right now I have sex about 3 days a week, I'm okay with that because my S/O has a lower drive than I do, and I'm fine with our compromise. If he wanted it more, I'd be more than willing to oblige, if he wanted it less, I'd be severely disappointed and not be okay with that.


I would say about twice a week. And that is me giving in when I do feel good. I just think marriage was built on much more than just sex. The vows I took didn't say anything about sex but they did say in sickness and health. So I should have a support system from him when I going through something pretty horrible right now and instead all he thinks about is his penis. It is just sad!


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Is this a pretty accurate summary of your illness?
> 
> Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia: MedlinePlus
> 
> ...


yes that is a accurate article. Right now they are waiting it out pending my latest CBC. But chemo is really the only option I see. It started where I couldn't even get out of bed. I have my good days and bad day honestly. My spleen is enlarged and just feel like I have the flu alot. It is just sad because I am only 41 and on top of my problems I have to worry if my husband is pouting because lack of sex.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Flora, we are all different. Every marriage is unique in its own way. I personally think it's okay not wanting sex if your spouse agrees to it as well. I broke my neck 4 years ago and it was much less frequent to a sexless marriage for the first 3 years. My husband was not upset by any means. Not once was he frustrated. I'm now disabled with herniated discs and chronic severe pain, but my libido is currently very high and has been for the last year. We can't do anything crazy or I could injure myself further.

My husband does not put sex at the top of his priorities. He needs it too, but less frequent then I do. My husband needs love, affection, companionship, friendship. Someone to grow old with and that is me. Sex is a bonus, it brings our bond closer together. I've never met anyone as patient as my husband. I'm very lucky to be his wife and we both adore each other. We work hard to please each other with our own needs. We communicate very well, so we know what is most important.

You do deserve to be married and happy. Not all men need sex either. We all are unique in our own way. You really need to communicate with your husband and come up with a plan. 

I hope you can work this out to where the both of you are happy.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

flora said:


> yes that is a accurate article. Right now they are waiting it out pending my latest CBC. But chemo is really the only option I see. It started where I couldn't even get out of bed. I have my good days and bad day honestly. My spleen is enlarged and just feel like I have the flu alot. It is just sad because I am only 41 and on top of my problems I have to worry if my husband is pouting because lack of sex.


Ouch, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you're sick  
Is your husband supportive at all? Is he there for you?


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Dollystanford said:


> why would you marry someone you didn't want to have sex with? Did you marry just for someone to be around? to help with the housework? to change lightbulbs?
> 
> don't get it
> 
> if you don't want to have sex then don't get married!



Agree with the above; however, you have a reason. I think your husband should be more understanding.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It's truly the crowning glory of any committed marital relationship. Nothing has the marked potential to bring the both of you closer both physically as well as emotionally. There may be times that you may not want it, but it would greatly behoove you to be acceptant of your husbands needs, just as he should do when your needs surface.

It is largely a matter of "give and take" and compromise. And any overt sign of gamesmanship between the two of you should be fastly extinguished. It is about you two and only you two.

Given your diagnosis, try visiting with your Doctor to see if there is anything they could help prescribe for you in helping to overcome this problem. My heart goes out to you and I wish you every success!


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

flora, im very sorry that you are going through this illness. i think alot of the responses would have been very different if it had been stated at the beginning. serious illnesses change the situation IMHO. i would be totally focused on my wifes health and not sex if this was happening to us. i think its safe to assume that the emotional and physical stresses you must be going thru right now are having a profound affect on your desire. totally understandable, and i think your husband needs to put his desire on the back burner and focus on helping you get better


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Marriage is about a partnership. Not I or ME, but WE..

To most (some) people, sex is very important to help maintain a relationship. Bonding, closeness, intimacy and what have you. 

Sex was created by GOD to bond a man and a woman for life and have children, between a husband and a wife.

Take a flower for instance, what happens if you don't water it? I will die, might take the flower a couple of days, but it will still die.. It is pretty much the same thing.. 

It is a compromise, In this day and age, it is to damn easy to have your needs met else where.

Sometimes I wasn't in the mood, but I had sex with my husband anyway (i never told him no, not once). Not only for him but for myself too.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sorry it must be tough having an illness that effects your life so much.

I think if when you do have sex you really put effort into it instead of taking one for the team and explain that you really do love making love to him its just hard with your condition. and then ask if he could be understanding when your not in the mood. you could give hima hand job when your not really up for sex to bridgge the gap.and after he can give you a back rub or foot massage or you guys can just cuddle.

sex is very important to guys and its how we show love so when its not happening or were frustrated about it we act like a$$holes.

try to be understanding about that the best you can.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

As others had stated... if the whole picture had been presented in the beginning, the responses would likely have been different. While I still maintain that sex is an integral part of marriage, so is supporting your spouse when ill or in pain, or both. If he is not supportive of your diagnosis, and shows no care for your health, he is most definitely in the wrong. Regardless, he shouldn't be, essentially, forcing you to have sex. And those women who told you to just lie there and take it...they should be slapped. No real man wants an unwilling participant... and no woman wants that either. If you are too ill, in too much pain, DON'T DO IT! Plain and simple. And don'[t let him make you feel guilty for it. By the same token, don't use your illness as an excuse, either. I am not saying you ARE, just saying that many people exaggerate their condition to avoid doing what they don't want...sex included. I hope your husband wises up. In the meantime, take care, and I hope you feel better.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Twice a week from a woman who's obviously ill sounds more than generous to me. I'm tough on withholders but twice a week isn't withholding in my book. Cutting the man off from all forms of affection for months or years on end would be abusive and cruel in my opinion. That doesn't seem to be the case here.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would never have sex with someone if I didn't want to, but then I wouldn't want to be married to someone I didn't want to have sex with. Physical intimacy, for me, is the cement that holds a relationship together - it keeps a couple close and bonded. Where there is such closeness, both parties surely want to ensure that they are meeting one another's deepest needs...

If you have an illness that makes sex difficult for you, I would urge you to seek medical attention. Celibacy in a marriage is only possible if both parties are in agreement about it.

*Edited to add: I've just seen the post about twice a week, so retract the comment about celibacy.*


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Twice a week from a woman who's obviously ill sounds more than generous to me. I'm tough on withholders but twice a week isn't withholding in my book. Cutting the man off from all forms of affection for months or years on end would be abusive and cruel in my opinion. That doesn't seem to be the case here.


her attitude about sex and her take one for the team attitude shows up in their love making I'm sure.

but twice a week with a loveing attitude would be great.


sounds like her husband is demanding and not very understanding.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

flora said:


> You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


Flora, this does not sound like any military town I have been in.

That said, military lives have a great deal of challenges. Celibacy is not usually one of them.


----------



## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

flora said:


> I realize after reading alot of threads that I have a right to not have sex. What I don't get is everyone telling posters that they are being abused because of the lack of sex or there partners are evil for saying no.


I've said this before and it bears repeating.

- I don't want to have sex with my partner.
- I don't want my partner to have sex with someone else.

You may choose ONE.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> And these other women you refer to who just lie there like fish...I think that's really crappy.


Frog: There are actually some of those aforementioned that really makes a blow-up doll seem more compassionate by comparison!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why should your husband take care of you or fill your emotional needs? It is not like you will die if he won't talk or if he talks and shows concern once a week. And what if he isn't full of love the only time he talks to you that week? He is pretty pissed off on how much importance communication is given in the marriage.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - you keep saying it's just sex... but that's just it...it's not just sex to your man.

If you read the sexless marriage posts here on TAM there is a real deep hurt from the rejected husbands (and wives). It's way more than penis and vaginas... 

Him not supporting you during your illness should be a quite separate issue from the sex. I'd work on that and you'd probably feel far more loving towards him.

I'm sure you know how stressful illnesses are on 'families'...not just the person who is sick. Do you think some of his immature behaviour may be from his stress from you being so unwell?
What does he say about your illness?

But to answer your original question.... I'd hate to live without sex. I'd love to have sex everyday but what with life and all, we manage 3-5 times a week... after three days i get 'skin hungry' and can get a bit crabby and feel a tad unloved. Don't think/know this is the same as the blokes feel though??

Every day there is kisses and hugs and cuddles in our marriage... he's gorgy and I let him know it and vice versa. It keeps life fun and we all need that. 

I wish you well in your health and happiness.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I definitely do. I need sex for so many reasons. The closeness it brings that you don't have with anyone else, the bond it brings, and jut so much more.

I think it's unfair to marry someone, and expect them to be faithful to you, and committed and then remove sex from the equation.

However I understand why and how it can happen.

You both need to work on your connection, you need to understand that sex with him will bond him to you, and it's critical to many people to the long term survival of your marriage. You also need to get your hormones checked, make sure you are getting enough iron, and rest, and that you are overall physically well enough to have sex.

He however needs to work at seducing you and turning you on. Maybe he's not manly enough and you view him as another child or something along those lines. He may need to up the supportiveness and particularly when you are sick. He also needs to be an adult and take care of you and his children. You may not find him attractive if he's not manly/ resbonsible / mature enough.

Good luck, I hope you end up discovering just how awesome and how much fun sex and sexual connection can be.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

flora said:


> I have been a long time lurker and always came to this forum because of my own problems with my lack of wanting sex. I thought something was wrong with me but now I realize after reading alot of threads that I have a right to not have sex. What I don't get is everyone telling posters that they are being abused because of the lack of sex or there partners are evil for saying no.
> 
> What makes it a human right in a marriage to require sex when the other partner isn't in the mood. It seems really one sided to me.
> 
> ...


I do need it to feel closer then anyone else to my spouse. But it is not the end all and be all of my relationship. I require nothing that my H is not willing to give to me freely either. But I find it to be important to me. I would not leave my H over sex.
I know that you have a medical condition that complicates matters and I hope that you can find a resolution that does not make you feel like you HAVE to sleep with him to keep him and one that makes him feel that physical connection to you. I just had to answer your origional post's question. Best wishes


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

RClawson said:


> Lady you need to share this quote with your husband so he can leave. This is one of the most wretched hateful things I have ever seen posted here. If I found out you were my wife the divorce could not happen fast enough and I would hopefully never encounter your presence again.



She has cancer of the blood and is chronically weak. Sex should be one of the last things on her mind.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

flora said:


> What makes it a human right in a marriage to require sex when the other partner isn't in the mood. It seems really one sided to me.


Sex is a basic human drive, going to Spain is not. We have evolved to NEED sex. If you don't want sex, fine, but you can't expect to stay married. See Mazlo's heirarchy of needs below.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Lady you need to share this quote with your husband so he can leave. This is one of the most wretched hateful things I have ever seen posted here. If I found out you were my wife the divorce could not happen fast enough and I would hopefully never encounter your presence again.



This lady has leukemia, which leaves her fighting for the strength to even get out of bed...

Whilst ED isn't a life threatening illness, it's my guess that if any woman here were to post that she wanted to divorce her husband because of it, she'd get flamed to the bowels of hell.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> This lady has leukemia, which leaves her fighting for the strength to even get out of bed...
> 
> Whilst ED isn't a life threatening illness, it's my guess that if any woman here were to post that she wanted to divorce her husband because of it, she'd get flamed to the bowels of hell.


only if he was unwilling to find a way for intamicy to work.

if a husband who is having erection problems refuses to go to the dr and is not poractive in finding a solution then I believe most would sugest divorce as an option.

as far as her illness I agree that her husband should be understanding. and on days that she dosn't feel like sex she could still provide a hand job /blow job with in reason of course . she should also realise her husbands frustrations and be understanding also.


this is a tough situation for sure and its going to take kindness and compassion and understanding on both side to make it work!


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

After reading her other posts and seeing that she has leukemia and still has sex with her man 2 times a week. I think it's fair to say she is trying to meet his needs when gravely/possibly terminally ill.

OP: I really hope you get better and I hope your husband is being supportive and helps you and makes you feel better in your time of need. If he's not, I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to have sex with him. That would be the ultimate selfish partner, the one who ignores the needs of their very ill partner because they are sick. If you're doing your best to meet the needs of your husband, I would really hope he is doing the same for you.

((hugs))


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

> I thought something was wrong with me but now I realize after reading alot of threads that *I have a right to not have sex.*


Which threads were you reading? This forum has taught me that I *do* have a right to expect regular sex from my wife. I suppose we can all pick and choose what we want to get.

*Most men need regular, quality sex in order to be happy and emotionally fulfilled in their marriage. period.* So it depends on how important it is for you to have a happy and fulfilled husband.

If you are managing 2x/week in your condition, and you're making it good for him, ie, acting like you enjoy it, not complaining or laying there like a dead fish - I'd say that is admirable.

He shouldn't be whining and pouting when he doesn't get his way... obviously that's part of what's making him less desirable to you. In just about every marriage, the low drive spouse should be doing it more, and the high drive spouse should be asking for it less.

Your condition makes it more complicated, and it sounds like both of you have your work cut out for you. I wish you the best. But if that you're so dead set on your 'rights' to not have sex... it is never going to work out.


----------



## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> LOL
> 
> It really makes me mad when I hear about women like that. OK, climb on me while I lie here looking bored and exasperated and annoyed and get it over with as quickly as possible.
> 
> I don't know how a man can even perform.


Spot on. That is my entire sex life with my wife. It wasn't like that before kids but since we decided not to have any more. I've heard "hurry up and get it over with" more than I care to admit. I've been trying to stand my ground and not accept that but when you hand a starving man a saltine cracker, he's going to eat it . . . and my wife doesn't have any chronic illnesses.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

The thing that bothers me is the OP's attitude. She has absolutely no understanding, nor does she care to understand, what role sex plays in a marriage.

I'll bet her husband is providing the health care insurance through his job. She takes for granted that he will meet her needs, but she has no interest in figuring out how she can meet his needs. A more caring attitude would go a long way in this relationship.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I must apologize for my post. I did not know that the OP had leukemia and she was already having sex twice a week. I wish those facts were mentioned at the beginning, because my answer would have been VERY different.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

at least what i can say for op is that she is having sex 2 x's a week in her condition and her h should be satisfied. he11 of a lot better that when i was getting it maybe 1 x's a month, from a perfectly healthy wife, pos!

so good on her for that.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

flora,

I see you've decided to stir the hornets nest here. I have only read your initial post and feel compelled to answer without even looking at all the replies even though I know that they pretty much fall in line with mine.

First of all, I will agree that your husband's approach to sex is wrong. He needs to learn how to make you want to have sex with him and you need to figure out what he could possibly do (behaviors) that may make you want to be with him.

Again, this is anorther case of mis-matched sex drives. Your obviously a lower drive individual and he is a higher drive.

What is troubling is that you admit that you did provide a higher level of sex during your courtship and earlier on in your marriage (I assume) but now you don't because the "newness" has worn off. That's a bit shallow don't you think? Did you tell him BEFORE the wedding that you planned on pretty much cutting him off from sex a few years down the road? Many here will tell you this is akin to a bait and switch scam.

I understand that you are having emotional and physical issues too but what have you done to try and deal with and resolve these issues? Sorry but this sounds like more of an excuse than anything else.

Do you work? Does your husband do things like wash the dishes, help with the child, fix things? do you think he WANTS to do these things? No, he does them because YOU want them done AND he loves you.

By marriaging you, he promised to be sexually exclusive with you and you to him. Sex is a huge part of the marriage commitment whether you believe it to be or not.

Calling sex a "selfish desire" shows your complete lack of understanding of emotional connection for men and says voulmes about your problems. I'm sure that if you you did not have a child with this man he would have already left you.

Last but not least, your comment "What an awful way to live. Just my two cents" is also telling. Do your husband a favor and divorce him so he can find a woman who will care about ALL his needs as well as hers!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

flora said:


> You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


WOW! Just lay there huh? Way to make your husband feel wanted and desired! You hated it? Big surprise there since you weren't interested in sex in the first place

I haven't gotten throgh the first page already and I know I'll be posting a whole lot more already!

That poor SOB of a husband of yours!


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> at least what i can say for op is that she is having sex 2 x's a week in her condition and her h should be satisfied. he11 of a lot better that when i was getting it maybe 1 x's a month, from a perfectly healthy wife, pos!
> 
> so good on her for that.


I don't necessarily agree. She does get credit for some level of trying, but I suspect her attitude comes through during those 2x's a week. That can cause problems, and may be part of why he is bugging her - not to say he is justified in view of her illness, but it may be there nevertheless.

Improving communication may help. This may include her explaining why she is not interested at a particular time, but promising a good mutual experience when she is up for it. For him, it may include giving her more support, providing non-sexual touch and initmacy when she is not up for anything else, as well as being forthcoming with his fears.

I would suggest MC for the two of them to address this.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> "but I suspect her attitude comes through during those 2x's a week"
> 
> 
> Read my mind.


And still suffering the trauma of it!


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I honestly do not think wanting to be intimate is selfish at all. It's a feeling we can not help with a high libido. I'd like it daily, but that's too much for my husband, so we compromise. I told him to let me know beforehand if he's not in the mood to tell me. I can fix that issue myself. Even being disabled in this much severe pain 24/7, I still need intimacy. Having an orgasm actually releases natural endorphins that are suppose to be a natural pain reliever. I don't have lupus, but I have a permanently damaged spinal cord and 2 small disc herniations in my neck. I can't walk long distances and will eventually need my own wheelchair.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> After reading her other posts and seeing that she has leukemia and still has sex with her man 2 times a week. I think it's fair to say she is trying to meet his needs when gravely/possibly terminally ill.
> 
> OP: I really hope you get better and I hope your husband is being supportive and helps you and makes you feel better in your time of need. If he's not, I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to have sex with him. That would be the ultimate selfish partner, the one who ignores the needs of their very ill partner because they are sick. If you're doing your best to meet the needs of your husband, I would really hope he is doing the same for you.
> 
> ((hugs))


While I don't disagree with this post, there are still alot of un-addressed issue with the OP. She also cited emotional reasons for her distaste for sex as well as stating she doesn't like having sex with him NOW although she did earlier when they dated/were just married.

It's one thing to say that it is difficult for her to have sex due to the physical issues she has, it's another to be turned off so completely to it. I guess I could understand it a bit due to her husband's lack of compassion for her illness but I think there are other things going on here we don't know about!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

finebyme72 said:


> Spot on. That is my entire sex life with my wife. It wasn't like that before kids but since we decided not to have any more. I've heard "hurry up and get it over with" more than I care to admit. I've been trying to stand my ground and not accept that but when you hand a starving man a saltine cracker, he's going to eat it . . . and my wife doesn't have any chronic illnesses.


fine,

If my wife said that to me, I'd pull out (sorry to be so graphic) walk out and tell her I'm going to finish this somewhere else WITH someone else!

Have you done therapy? I'd be thinking about an exit strategy if I were you


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> only
> 
> as far as her illness I agree that her husband should be understanding. and on days that she dosn't feel like sex she could still provide a hand job /blow job with in reason of course . she should also realise her husbands frustrations and be understanding also.



I think having sex with him twice a week shows a definite willingness and understanding on the OP's behalf to realise and alleviate her H's frustrations...

Libido is one of the first things to go when there's serious illness.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> Toffer, I get why you didn't read every single reply but you did miss an important point OP added: she has chronic leukemia. She is also giving him sex 2x a week. Many average couples have sex 2x a week, but to give it when on many days you are too weak to get out of bed, I'd consider it an extremely reasonable effort (read up on CLL)


Daffodilly, I'm all caught up now!

While I feel for her suffering, as others have suggested I don't think it's the entire issue here. 

I too suffer from a few chronic issues yet I never turned my wife away and she is the LD partner and my issue is that I want to increase our frequency.

The OP's total disgust of the act of sex itself is what I've keyed in on. I think there's more to this than what's been presented and I'll apologize in advance if I am wrong

BTW, I am glad that I noted that I only read the first post before my first post!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I think having sex with him twice a week shows a definite willingness and understanding on the OP's behalf to realise and alleviate her H's frustrations...


I have to disagree here. Again, with all respect to the illness the OP is struggling with, it seems that while she's making an effort in the frequency department, there is no conveying of any type of love or desire back to her husband. I often refer to this as "chore sex".

I know that I often have felt that my wife is guilty of this too and I have to tell you, after a while it wears thin and men have said that while they haven't lost interest in sex, they no longer want to participate in chore sex. Men want to be wanted sexually too!


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Toffer said:


> While I don't disagree with this post, there are still alot of un-addressed issue with the OP. She also cited emotional reasons for her distaste for sex as well as stating she doesn't like having sex with him NOW although she did earlier when they dated/were just married.
> 
> It's one thing to say that it is difficult for her to have sex due to the physical issues she has, it's another to be turned off so completely to it. I guess I could understand it a bit due to her husband's lack of compassion for her illness but I think there are other things going on here we don't know about!


But those emotional issues could be due to the fact that she does have leukemia right? Maybe she's worried about dying and the topic of sex kind of takes place at the back of her mind? I don't know, I haven't dealt with something like this at all, but I know myself and if I had something that could cause me to die, I think I'd think about sex less than I do and would be more worried about my being alive. Could be that her emotional issues is that her husband pouts when he doesn't get his way. That really is a huge turn off, hell I don't even like when my kids pout about things, let alone my other half.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

OP, since we can only speculate on things, why don't you tell us. How supportive is your husband? Is he there for you, or is he only there when he wants sex? I haven't seen much about him other than him pouting, so tell us, what exactly does he do?


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

For 18 years, I was with a LD spouse. I never really complained. Over time, my libido matched hers. WE had almost zero affection. We were really just roommates. SEx 2-3 times a month. I went through a phase when I would pout without sex. I know it didn’t make her attracted to me. 

Then I hit 40 and started to get in shape. My drive went through the roof like it was before I met my wife. Now we have sex 3-4 times a week. At first I felt like I was attacking her every night. It was painful and she clearly wasn’t in the mood for sex. Before, being that we had sex so rarely, I wouldn’t last more than a few minutes and it wasn’t at its maximum potential. Now with more practice, it’s 30 or 40 minutes and she is just too lazy, overweight, to keep up and she just lays there and make me do all the work. A year and a half later, although it’s better, she still lays there and it bores the heck out of me. I want sex with a partner that really wants it and not having it just to make me happy.

I am not sure on this, but I wanted to get married hoping that I would have more sex than I did when I was single. I wanted to feel desired. The first 18 years, I would have done better being single. Now I think she has sex with me because she doesn’t want me to leave. That doesn’t make me feel any better!

In your case, being that you have Leukemia kind of changes things. You’re in a rough spot. I don’t think any post on here will change what you do. You will still feel pressured to have sex with your husband .It is up to you to find out how to increase your drive. I am 45 and I don’t know how many good sex years I have left. I can lose it at any time. 

I want my wife to do some things that may increase her sex drive. For a while, I stopped working out and running and my drive lowered a little. For health reasons, I have to stay in shape. I want her to do the same. Maybe lose some weight. 

I’ve recently asked her if she wanted to stay married to me. I told her clearly we are not intimate, (I don’t mean sex) you pretend to enjoy sex, and we’ve grown so far apart after 20 years. We are just roommates. 

Physical touch and sex is my love language.. I gotta have it or I will “pout” because I need to feel loved and desired. I NEED to feel like my wife’s Man. Sex is such a huge part of that.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> But those emotional issues could be due to the fact that she does have leukemia right? Maybe she's worried about dying and the topic of sex kind of takes place at the back of her mind? I don't know, I haven't dealt with something like this at all, but I know myself and if I had something that could cause me to die, I think I'd think about sex less than I do and would be more worried about my being alive. Could be that her emotional issues is that her husband pouts when he doesn't get his way. That really is a huge turn off, hell I don't even like when my kids pout about things, let alone my other half.


Again, not disagreeing and I did mention in one of the posts that I could see issues with his approach to sex and helping her.

Don't want to bore all with my issues but one of the big ones was cardiac bypass surgery three years ago. So, I live with heart disease and a host of other ailments that WILL cut my life short. There are no buts about it. Will it be 3 years or 15? No idea

I know I would rather spend the remaining time having more intimate time with my beautiful wife


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> OP, since we can only speculate on things, why don't you tell us. How supportive is your husband? Is he there for you, or is he only there when he wants sex? I haven't seen much about him other than him pouting, so tell us, what exactly does he do?



My husband acts supportive and great when he gets sex. This will last for a couple of days and then he wants it again and I just really don't want to and say I am tired and just want to sleep and he will say "what's new". He is much more emotional than me and always wants to cuddle or watch a movie but then it ends up he gets aroused doing this and wants sex. I honestly feel alone in this. If I knew cuddling was just to cuddle I would do it more often. But everything is about sex.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Again, not disagreeing and I did mention in one of the posts that I could see issues with his approach to sex and helping her.
> 
> Don't want to bore all with my issues but one of the big ones was cardiac bypass surgery three years ago. So, I live with heart disease and a host of other ailments that WILL cut my life short. There are no buts about it. Will it be 3 years or 15? No idea
> 
> I know I would rather spend the remaining time having more intimate time with my beautiful wife


I do not anything heart related so I do not know what that feels like but having cancer and dealing with my physical issues and then on top of it my emotional issues I would rather spend time with my kids who love me unconditionally.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

flora said:


> My husband acts supportive and great when he gets sex. This will last for a couple of days and then he wants it again and I just really don't want to and say I am tired and just want to sleep and he will say "what's new". He is much more emotional than me and always wants to cuddle or watch a movie but then it ends up he gets aroused doing this and wants sex. I honestly feel alone in this. If I knew cuddling was just to cuddle I would do it more often. But everything is about sex.


Yeah, I don't know what to say. It's hard from either end. I'm sorry if you've mentioned it already, but have the two of you tried Couples Counseling? Maybe trying to learn each others needs would be more beneficial to you and your marriage, than both of you building resentments towards each other. At least try sitting down with him and talking it out with him.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

as far as her illness I agree that her husband should be understanding. and on days that she dosn't feel like sex she could still provide a hand job /blow job with in reason of course . she should also realise her husbands frustrations and be understanding also.

This is something he has asked for and I cringe and get angry. Why should I give him sexual relief when I am just trying to make it through the day. Like I said before I have my good and bad days but on my good days having sex or relieving him is the last thing on my mind.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> The thing that bothers me is the OP's attitude. She has absolutely no understanding, nor does she care to understand, what role sex plays in a marriage.
> 
> I'll bet her husband is providing the health care insurance through his job. She takes for granted that he will meet her needs, but she has no interest in figuring out how she can meet his needs. A more caring attitude would go a long way in this relationship.



No actually I pay for my health insurance. He doesn't meet my needs he only thinks of his needs the entire day. So yes I have no understanding in how a man thinks more about his penis than his wife. I tried to understand but all I came up with is he is selfish. That is why I feel sex is a selfish act.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Would you mind if he had sex with someone else? 

You don't want sex. He does. 
If you said "You're free to have sex with someone else," who loses? Your need (not having sex) and his need (having sex) are both met. 

If you DONT do this, you're giving him these options: (a) be celibate, (b) continue having sex with someone who dislikes it/him (c) cheat on him, or (d) divorce you.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

" Like I said before I have my good and bad days but on my good days having sex or relieving him is the last thing on my mind"

While I could understand that sometimes, you're saying you'd rather have sex with him 2x a week when you feel terrible? That may also be a contributing factor to your issues


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> " Like I said before I have my good and bad days but on my good days having sex or relieving him is the last thing on my mind"
> 
> While I could understand that sometimes, you're saying you'd rather have sex with him 2x a week when you feel terrible? That may also be a contributing factor to your issues


I thought if I gave in on my good or bad days the attitude around the house wouldn't be so miserable. He doesn't just pout around me but my kids as well. But in doing this yes I am the one who is absolutely miserable. There really is no win or lose here but divorce.


----------



## flora (May 28, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> Would you mind if he had sex with someone else?
> 
> You don't want sex. He does.
> If you said "You're free to have sex with someone else," who loses? Your need (not having sex) and his need (having sex) are both met.
> ...


This is my whole reasoning for posting. Sex is not the live all and if he wants to continue to place sex before anything else I have no problem saying goodbye. I don't think with my Vagina and I don't know many women that do. But I am always seeing a man thinking about his penis before anything else. That is selfish to me. If he got sick I would never ever force him to do something he didn't want to do.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I don't understand, why say goodbye? 

Why not just continue the marriage but just let him have sex with a more willing/enthusiastic 3rd party?

You don't want sex as part of your relationship with your husband. So why tell him he can't have it with someone else? 
I'm just not following - you want him to be sexually exclusive with you, even though you'd rather NOT have sex with him. 

Why not just open the marriage up?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

flora said:


> I have been a long time lurker and always came to this forum because of my own problems with my lack of wanting sex. I thought something was wrong with me but now I realize after reading alot of threads that I have a right to not have sex. What I don't get is everyone telling posters that they are being abused because of the lack of sex or there partners are evil for saying no.
> 
> What makes it a human right in a marriage to require sex when the other partner isn't in the mood. It seems really one sided to me.
> 
> ...


My $0.02.

You absolutely can refuse to have sex. It is your body, and AFAIK spousal rape is still a felony and refusing your spouse does not hurt your case in a divorce (at least in the U.S.).

What you are talking about is a desire for the ability to refuse sex and _avoid any consequences_ - that is an entirely different deal.

The reason that does not happenis because it is essentially immature and unfair. Well-adjusted adults understand that one does not get more out of a relationship than is put in. If you do not want sex with your husband (for whom sex is a need), why remain with him? Would you insist on him remaining faithful or would be accepting of him going out and finding a sex partner? Would you insist he continue to meet your needs?

I suspect that you would not be okay with him going out and getting a sex partner. Nor would you accept him ignoring your needs in return. If he did leave, you would accept it (you really have no choice) but you would probably be angry with him. All these responses cannot be rationalized except by arguing that your wants and needs are more important than his. That mindset is the root issue here.

As far as the Spain thing, that is a red herring. Hopping over to Europe requires a week of uninterrupted time for you both and several thousands of dollars for travel, lodging, meals, and entertainment. Having a good sex life requires no more than an hour or two a week - a tiny fraction of your time.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

flora said:


> I do not anything heart related so I do not know what that feels like but having cancer and dealing with my physical issues and *then on top of it my emotional issues I would rather spend time with my kids who love me unconditionally*.


How clear to you make this to him? Understanding that you are going through a ton right now, what do you do for your husband beyond sex?

I really think you need couples counseling.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> I don't understand, why say goodbye?
> 
> Why not just continue the marriage but just let him have sex with a more willing/enthusiastic 3rd party?
> 
> ...


Why not say good-bye? If she has no issues with saying it, than why stay in a marriage that would most likely end up in anger/fighting. Why not free them both up, and not live in a pretend marriage? She's obviously got some things on her plate and he probably does too. Why not make a clean break and everyone would be happier for it.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

flora said:


> This is my whole reasoning for posting. Sex is not the live all and if he wants to continue to place sex before anything else I have no problem saying goodbye. I don't think with my Vagina and I don't know many women that do. But I am always seeing a man thinking about his penis before anything else. That is selfish to me. If he got sick I would never ever force him to do something he didn't want to do.


You really should read up about how many men view sex within a marriage. It really is that critical to them. That you as a women don't view it that way does not mean your husband does not, just as your husband's failure to understand some of the emotional ways you connect does not negate their importance to you.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

flora said:


> You are right marriage is about compromise but why is marriage so focused on sex. I live in a military town and have been around alot of wives. Do you know what ALL of them have said I just give in and lay there to make there husbands feel better. I actually tried that a couple of times and it created anger inside of me where I hated him. When you aren't in the mood than it is a chore.


Then why not get yourself in the mood? Or, instead of the attitude of "I don't want sex so this sucks", why not adopt an attitude of "I really value my husband and what he does for me, so I am going to graciously and cheerfully enrich his life"?

It seems your reasoning is if you don't want sex, that is the end of discussion and tough crap for him. You need to figure out why you don't want him. If it is just the way you feel and not about what he does or does not do for you, then you need to figure out why you are going to deprive him for something that is not his fault, and why you are elevating your sexual comfort to the prime consideration.

Those underlying attitudes are the problem. The refusal to have sex unless you want it is just the surface symptom.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

flora said:


> This is my whole reasoning for posting. Sex is not the live all and if he wants to continue to place sex before anything else I have no problem saying goodbye. I don't think with my Vagina and I don't know many women that do. But I am always seeing a man thinking about his penis before anything else. That is selfish to me. If he got sick I would never ever force him to do something he didn't want to do.


I am a simple man... Give me the sex I NEED and I am a happy camper. The house could be a mess, a can of soup on the stove for dinner, a pile of laundry in the hamper... If there is sex (not forced) I would never argue.

When the sex stops... I have no problem saying good-bye.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

flora said:


> My husband acts supportive and great when he gets sex. This will last for a couple of days and then he wants it again and I just really don't want to and say I am tired and just want to sleep and he will say "what's new". He is much more emotional than me and always wants to cuddle or watch a movie but then it ends up he gets aroused doing this and wants sex. I honestly feel alone in this. If I knew cuddling was just to cuddle I would do it more often. But everything is about sex.


I missed this post... I kind of answered it with my other post.
When I do get the sex I want... I am very hayy for a few days. I'll cook dinner, do the dishes, do the laundry.. and I work full time and my wife is a SAHM. I too get emotional. I like to "cuddle" and I am a guy and I do get aroused. Especiaal if its been a couple of days! That could be why my wife doesn't touch me!!!


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

flora said:


> I do not anything heart related so I do not know what that feels like but having cancer and dealing with my physical issues and then on top of it my emotional issues I would rather spend time with my kids who love me unconditionally.


Stop making dinner for your kids or turn the TV off and see how long it the "unconditional love" last! Love ALWAYS ALWAYS comes with conditions.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

flora said:


> I respect all of your answers but I guess I am angry and feeling hopeless because I am very sick and having been told I am a bi*ch for not giving in all of the time. You are right I don't need to be married because if a man is going to leave me because I am not in the mood at his every whim whether being sick where I can't get up sometimes or just really am not feeling horny than I would rather be single. To answer your question I have Chronic Leukemia.


First of all, I'm sorry that you have CML. Although, I've met a person who is doing very well on Gleevec. How are you managing your illness?

Then, let me preface this part by saying that I was the primary caregiver for my child during a leukemia battle (passed after several years) so I know exactly how nasty it can be.

But, one thing I noticed about my child (and many other children similarly situated) is that they give their utmost to be integrated, participating members of their family and of society. They hate being limited, being pitied, and generally give their absolute best.

With that in mind, I seriously doubt that your husband expects you to be putting out if, lets say, you're anemic, nauseous, or upset because your hair has just started to fall out; that kind of behavior would simply defy basic human compassion. OTOH, if you are stable and healthy, and managing to get a great deal done for yourself, you cannot expect him to take a back seat 100% of the time. Further, you mind find that he's constantly asking for sex because you rarely or never give in to him but often pamper yourself; he might be happy with once a week (or even less).

I completely understand that you are unable to have sex when feeling ill. But, are you still resentful of sex when you are feeling well? If you're priorities have shifted as a result of your illness, then you need to discuss with him and decide best how to move forward; you cannot expect him to take a back seat indefinitely while you lead a long and productive life (if that indeed is the case). Also, if you find yourself angry at your circumstance and are lashing out at him, you need to stop as that behavior will almost surely end your marriage (I've have an analogous situation in my family and that anger takes it's toll quickly).


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

flora said:


> Sex is not the live all and if he wants to continue to place sex before anything else I have no problem saying goodbye. I don't think with my Vagina and I don't know many women that do. But I am always seeing a man thinking about his penis before anything else. That is selfish to me. If he got sick I would never ever force him to do something he didn't want to do.


When I was a young man, I fell down a ravine while hiking. I was alone and had not bothered to tell anyone where I was going. I went an entire week without food. 

After about three days, food was all I could think about. I fantasized and dreamed about it. I suppose you could say that I was 'thinking with my stomach' and being 'selfish' but that's what intense hunger will do to any person, including you. 

For many men, unrequited sexual desire is every bit as persistent and gnawing a need as intense hunger. I understand that many women do not experience sexual desire at that intensity. That makes it no less real.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> OK.
> 
> The impression I got from your original post was that you meant "sick" as in the mom fatigue we all have.
> 
> I'll have to go do some reading about it.


The thing about CML is that now there is an effective treatment (Gleevec - a pill taken at home) that allows those who respond well a truly normal life span.

I will add that there are other kinds of leukemia than CML (I assume it is CML because that seems to be the most common in adults from what I know). Also, there are individual differences - what works for one might not work for another.

At the end of the day, this sounds more like a case that you physically cannot have sex (at least some of the time) than a mere unwillingness. That makes a huge difference.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

> "but I suspect her attitude comes through during those 2x's a week"


Yep, unless he's a real troll he, he should be ok with this, *if* she's making it good.

From the way she described it... saying in general that men are selfish for wanting sex and that women should _never_ have to have sex if they don't feel like it.. that's a really dangerous way to look at it.

we do things we don't feel like doing every single day. Why should anyone get a free pass to avoid sex just because they "don't feel like it?"

It is a skill people have to learn, just like paying bills, fixing things around the house, raising children or bringing in income. The only problem is you don't have to act like you enjoy paying the bills in order to do it properly. And the consequences are more tangible.

If you don't feel like it.. you should figure out how to make yourself 'feel like it,' the same way you would try to do those other things.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Flora:
You need a more mature attitude toward sex. You seem stuck in the understanding of a 13 year old girl. Sex--icky! You are a married woman now, so you should try to understand how sex bonds a man and woman together.

Sex is the way that spouses express their love for each other. It is the one thing that distinguishes marriage from all other relationships. It is not just a physical need, it is an emotional need. By witholding sex, you are witholding love from your husband.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Why not say good-bye? If she has no issues with saying it, than why stay in a marriage that would most likely end up in anger/fighting. Why not free them both up, and not live in a pretend marriage? She's obviously got some things on her plate and he probably does too. Why not make a clean break and everyone would be happier for it.


My questions were mostly rhetorical. I doubt she would actually be okay with letting her husband find it elsewhere. 

(if she is okay with that, awesome, they've got a solution that works for them).

Because she's probably not okay with that, it becomes a little more clear what she desires for her relationship: not sexual exclusivity, but mutual celibacy. 

Would anyone with a normal sex drive sign up for such a contract? 

She's right that sex is not a "need" in the sense that one will not survive without it. Same thing goes for, say, drinking much beyond water. Would she be okay if her husband said: "I don't like drinking juice, alcohol, milk, etc, anymore. I'll stick to water from here on out. And so will you. It's not a NEED to have juice." ?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DTO,

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> My questions were mostly rhetorical. I doubt she would actually be okay with letting her husband find it elsewhere.
> 
> (if she is okay with that, awesome, they've got a solution that works for them).
> 
> ...


As a HD person in an HD/LD relationship, I have to quibble with these observations and nader's statement "If you don't feel like it.. you should figure out how to make yourself 'feel like it,' the same way you would try to do those other things."

No - another person is not a solution. I want sex with my wife only. I do not want something on the side, I want to have an intimate relationship with the person I am with. Sex is a part of that relationship.

Sex is a need - an emotional need, not a physical need. Without it, a person who needs it may not die, but his/her relationships will.

If what nader is saying is find a way to enjoy sex with your partner, I have no disagreement. But, do not find a way to handle it like other "chores" that just need to get done. If it will be nothing more than a chore - pleasant or otherwise - that fact must be communicated to one's spouse. Chore sex or pity sex is dehumanizing and demeaning. If you cannot have sex out of love, then your spouse must realize he/she is having sex with a prostitute.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> Sex is a need - an emotional need, not a physical need. Without it, a person who needs it may not die, but his/her relationships will.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

QFT. This is an excellent point that needs to be made again and again. Sex is not a need for me personally, but it is a need for my marriage. Without it (assuming no exceptional circumstances), my marriage starts to fail.

Just as my wife may not "need" the emotional connection with me to physically survive, she does need it for our marriage to survive.

People to often dismiss sex as not a need because a person will not die without it. While true, the marriage very often will die without it.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> QFT. This is an excellent point that needs to be made again and again. Sex is not a need for me personally, but it is a need for my marriage. Without it (assuming no exceptional circumstances), my marriage starts to fail.
> 
> ...


You can survive on beans and spuds in a one room shack without a toilet, with only the clothes on your back. People survive solitary confinement for years. But they generally don't grow and thrive, do they?


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> If what nader is saying is find a way to enjoy sex with your partner, I have no disagreement. But, do not find a way to handle it like other "chores" that just need to get done. If it will be nothing more than a chore - pleasant or otherwise - that fact must be communicated to one's spouse. Chore sex or pity sex is dehumanizing and demeaning. If you cannot have sex out of love, then your spouse must realize he/she is having sex with a prostitute.


I think that my wife does this to me. Not so much now. Maybe that was why I never pushed it too much before. Sometime she sees it as something she has to do to make me happy. Still it seems like it is out of pity and I feel bad for that. I rather not even have sex at that point. I want her to enjoy it. That may take a lot of effort on my part though. I am trying to learn her love language. Still that may not help her enjoy sex. I would rather not have a 3rd party be part of this. That is why I married.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

> If what nader is saying is find a way to enjoy sex with your partner, I have no disagreement. But, do not find a way to handle it like other "chores" that just need to get done. If it will be nothing more than a chore - pleasant or otherwise - that fact must be communicated to one's spouse. Chore sex or pity sex is dehumanizing and demeaning. If you cannot have sex out of love, then your spouse must realize he/she is having sex with a prostitute.


Yes. I mentioned chores only because chores are things that have to be done - not because chores are inherently unpleasant. it should be like the most fun chore ever. 

Sex gets its own category because it is so good *and* so necessary.

My wife says she gets a rush out of holding our toddler; like a drug. She is addicted to it.. to the point where he rarely naps in his own crib when they're together at home. 

Sex with my wife is for me what holding our son is for her. I love holding our son and playing with him, but it's not quite what my wife experiences. And she gladly has sex with me, sometimes she enjoys it more than other times, but she just doesn't' crave it.

I suppose I can hope that by the time he turns 12, she'll have to come back to me to get that feeling again.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I have to disagree here. Again, with all respect to the illness the OP is struggling with, it seems that while she's making an effort in the frequency department, there is no conveying of any type of love or desire back to her husband. I often refer to this as "chore sex".
> 
> I know that I often have felt that my wife is guilty of this too and I have to tell you, after a while it wears thin and men have said that while they haven't lost interest in sex, they no longer want to participate in chore sex. Men want to be wanted sexually too!


I think you're losing sight of the fact that a condition like leukemia (and the debilitating treatment that goes with it) is going to leave the OP devoid of energy for anything, let alone desire for sex. It is up to her husband to support and care for his wife, not whine and pout at her because twice weekly sex isn't enough for him.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I think you're losing sight of the fact that a condition like leukemia (and the debilitating treatment that goes with it) is going to leave the OP devoid of energy for anything, let alone desire for sex. It is up to her husband to support and care for his wife, not whine and pout at her because twice weekly sex isn't enough for him.


It depends. If she takes what energy she does have and focus' it on others, such as "her children that love her unconditionally", then I think his complaints are valid, particularly if she makes it clear during their twice a week coupling that she would rather be any place else. Sickness does not necessarily give one a free pass to avoid things when convenient. 

I certainly don't know if that is the case here, only noting that he is not necessarily whining and pouting.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I think you're losing sight of the fact that a condition like leukemia (and the debilitating treatment that goes with it) is going to leave the OP devoid of energy for anything, let alone desire for sex. It is up to her husband to support and care for his wife, not whine and pout at her because twice weekly sex isn't enough for him.


Cosmos,

Not disagreeing with you at all but if I remember correctly, she has not reached this stage of the disease nor has started any type of chemo (I believe) but it looks to be going that way.

She has stated that she usually has a couple of good days during the week right now and doesn't want to be intimate then either. Instead, on her off days, she has sex with her husband. If you're not feeling well and having sex, I would think there's much less of a chance to enjoy it and bond with your spouse.

All she is doing is having sex to shut her husband up, therefore it's chore sex. In my earlier posts, I did acknowledge that what her husband was doing and not doing wasn't right

Her husband is being an as$ no doubt but someone has to make the effort to turn things around and since the OP chose to post here and not her husband......


----------



## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I think you're losing sight of the fact that a condition like leukemia (and the debilitating treatment that goes with it) is going to leave the OP devoid of energy for anything, let alone desire for sex. It is up to her husband to support and care for his wife, not whine and pout at her because twice weekly sex isn't enough for him.


This isn't necessarily the case. My dad had this type of cancer and the doctor told him if that if you have to have leukemia, this is the type to have. It was more of a nuisance.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> Why does having sex (on your good days) have to take away from time with your kids? Generally speaking we're talking about 30minutes on average here.
> 
> I'm also of the mindset that maintaining a happy marriage is part of being a responsible parent. I'm not saying your husband is an innocent party in all this but at some point someone is going to have to make a first move if you are interested in salvaging this at all.


Daffodilly,

That's my exact thoughts too!

She seems to be totally turned off to sex with her husband now, whether it's from complete boredom or his inability to stand up and be a true partner through all of her physical struggles.

I still think we don't have all the answers here and I know that there were a couple of questions I asked that were never answered. always makes me a bit suspicious


----------

