# Stay with husband to avoid the pain?



## basketcase (Jun 13, 2011)

I have been married for 14 years, and have two girlss 5 and 7. My husband and I adopted them, after I basically pushed him into it. He has since come to love the girls with all his heart, and is a great dad. However, he's been a lousy husband for years. He ignores me, yells at me, and seems bummed out quite often. It's a kind of seasonal depression that's worse in the winter. 
I've been fealing lost and lonely for a long time. On one hand, I'm so glad we adopted out girls, and I have a great job in education. On the other hand, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get him to be nice to me, consider my needs, and really try to be my freind....Until something happened.
I kind of broke inside. I decided I couldn't live like this. I contacted a very dear freind, and ex boyfreind who's fun, sexy, and single. I've been having a long-distance "virtual" affair. It's helped me wake up to emotions I burried, and I really felt I needed to leave my husband, and work on a functional co-parenting relationship. 
When I told him this 4 months ago, he was much, much more upset than I thought he would be. He said he realized he's been a jerk, and he's try to change. He's been a new guy for me. He's nice, sexually interested, and helps around the house more. I'm a skeptic, and can't be sure this new guy is here to stay, but I also want to believe.
I'm at the crossroads. I have a new apartment, and I can move in 2 weeks, or I can back out. I'll have to wait another 6-12 months before I could move out if I back out now.
I'm most concerned about our girls well-being and sense of stability. I don't want to hurt my husband. I still want to leave, though. I don't think my ex is going to be a new boyfreind, but he might. Not sure, doesn't matter. I really don't want to look back and regret my choice. 
So objective strangers, what do you think? Should I stay to avoid hurting my loved ones?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Stop all contact with your ex. If you want any chance of saving your marriage you need to stop. And I mean all.

If your husband is trying to change, give him the chance to do so. You can't change overnight. Sincere, honest changes take much longer so you must be patient.

What are you doing to work on yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## basketcase (Jun 13, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. Part of me want to save the marriage because it would spare our children a lot of pain. That's almost enough. Almost. I think I need to want my husband, too, right? Has anyone ever learned or worked their way into being in love? I'm not sure. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm feeling lost. I have lost contact with the ex boyfreind. It's just so hard. Either way, stay or go, I'm lonely and lost.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ask yourself these questions...

First, is the marriage relationship something you want for your kids? Because this is the relationship you're teaching them to strive towards; the man they should try to find to spend the rest of their lives with.

Second, do you truly feel you can sustain this relationship? Or is it just a matter of time before the hurt and resentment builds up to a boiling point?

I'm not telling you to stay or go... Only you can decide that. But these were the questions that I weighed in my decisions. And this would presume that things aren't going to change.

Oh, and leave the ex out of the equation. That's just going to confuse things that much worse.

C


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

To be fair, I suggest you leave for a while (as in separation). I know that your husband will be devastated but you need to find yourself again and decide on which way you want to go with your marriage.

Contacting an old boyfriend (love interest) should NOT be used as an ESCAPE whenever you're feeling dissatisfied with your current situation.

Will there be a next time, then a next time and so on? Why did I say that? Because this statement: "I contacted a very dear freind, and ex boyfreind who's f*un, sexy, and single*", raises a RED FLAG! 

And should you decide to go ahead and divorce your current husband, please be sure that you're completely over any of your EX's before committing to another marriage.

If you don't you run the risk of a repeat performance with your next husband. I know that your current husband would want you to stay, but be well aware that you've created a DISTRUST that will be with him indefinitely!


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

You'll avoid the immediate and long lasting pain of a marriage breakup (which can go on for over a year, sometimes longer).

But will you be happy staying?

I'd stop contact with your ex and make a decision without that clouding your mind before doing anything.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

basketcase,
Some of your H's traits remind me of myself. I ignored my W for several years, abused alcohol, checked out of the marriage, and also suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). During the winter months I would get so depressed and feel blue all the time. Then my W had an EA that turned into a PA. The discovery of this affair both wrecked my world and woke me up like icewater in the face. It was the catalyst to get the help I needed to overcome my faults and bad behaviors. Over the past three years I've made tremendous improvements in myself, my behaviors, my outlook on life with the help of IC and medicine to control my depression and anxiety.

My point here is that even though your H has mistreated you for a long time, it is possible for him to change. He needs to recognize he has issues and take responsibility for his part in your faltering marriage. From all the reading I've done on here it seems to me that it really takes a drastic event to jolt someone out of their fog and cause them to decide to reinvest in the relationship. Yes, you telling him about the EA did just that and you're seeing him change on his own. But there's no way to tell if its a genuine change or a bluff.

I suggest you set boundaries and conditions that you require if you are to stay. Just for starters: He must seek IC. You both must participate in MC. Name the behaviors you will no longer tolerate such as the yelling. Spell out the deal-breakers that if broken will require you to separate, then stick to your guns. Good luck to you.


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## basketcase (Jun 13, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I'm still waffling on my decision. I feel like such a wimp. I've been renting an apartment for 2 weeks now, on a month to month, and still haven't told my H or the kids. H gave me until our anniversary in 4 days to make up my mind. Then, we need to tell the girls. He's set on being dramatic about it, and blaming me. 

I can't get him to see that the girls need us to be calm and not blame each other. We need to re-assure them we love them and will both parent them, and keep as many things the same as possible. My apartment is in the same neighborhood. When I told my H I wanted to move out, he was ready to freak out and put my things in the driveway, and tell the girls I'm choosing this, that it all my fault. Talk about drama trauma for the kids. 

This scares me for them enough to give notice on my apartment and just keep the status quo. I'm pretty sure the changes my H is making won't last, and he'll be back to his funky moods and occasional drug use. I need to bow out gracefully, but I'm so concerned about this drama that is bound to come.


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## simply unique (Jun 17, 2011)

I truly believe he is not going to change and i believe deep inside you want out and something better...The good thing is your realizing you don't deserve to be treated that way anymore..Pain sometimes exist but in time pain will disappear because we must strive to be happy and help are children to be happy no matter the outcome. Most of the time it's fear and doubts that keeps us to hold on longer and all the while one day its ok and other days it's like no hope.If you do decide to give your husband a chance then i wish the best ...


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Find info on how a bad divorce affects kids, and show it to your husband.

Explain to him that he has the choice, to either all that drama and finger pointing, or been the best father he can be under the circumstances.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I think you already know, you just want someone else to tell you so.


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