# How important is attraction(physically & personality wise) in a marriage???



## confused27f (Oct 15, 2010)

I posted my REALLY long story last week and haven't received any responses. I'm really confused and need some advice so thought I'd try a condensed version for better luck.

I'm 27, husband 32 - married 2.5 yrs / dated 4.5yrs = 7yrs total.

I was really young and never attracted to him physically but he was a great guy so I grew to love everything else about him. Sex life has never been great and got worse during his porn addiction period. Everytime time I tried to break things off, he'd meltdown and tell me he couldn't live without me and I'd give in due to my love for him and the tremendous guilt of breaking his heart. 

He really is a great guy - hardworking, supportive, kind, thoughtful, sweet, would make great dad, etc. I just don't know if that is what marriage is all about and if that alone will fulfill me without the attraction to him physically or personality wise. I am high energy and outgoing, he is not. I have a high sex drive, he does not. 

Since telling him all of this, he has been a total mess. He doesn't want a separation and feels like we can work this out and be happy. I just don't know how to figure it out and fear all of the consequences of a trial separation - people talking, family issues, finances, breaking him to the point of no return, etc. 

I love him deeply - may not have romantic spark or physical attraction but definitely do not want to hurt him or see him in pain.

Help?


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

here is my take on it...

In a Marriage, you are going to have all sorts of things that are different, you are 2 different people, you have different likes, interests, personalities, attitudes ect.. how exciting would a marriage be if you were *EXACTLY* the same? pretty boring huh.. there are so many different couples i have met over the years that have long lasting marriages, some are like yours, some are like mine.. 

Here is mine, Hubby LOVES to be a money making machine, he loves anything that will make him money. He spends hours a day and night trying to come up with different ideas to making money. I am happy with just getting by and having just what i need to survive. He is also labeled a "loner" in some people's books, he is not a people person, he does not like parties nor to much interaction with others, sure he talks to co workers and neighbors, but he is not a social butterfly LOL... Me on the other hand i am a huge social butterfly i love talking to and visiting people getting to know people, some parties and the like. I love going out ( when i am up for it), do i drag hubby to all these things? NOPE, because he does not like them..

Now when it comes to attraction, we dont f*&K like rabbits, nor do we have sex every night 24/7.. he is the instigator for sex, i am ok with him deciding when we will have sex, im not a HUGE fan of sex, he has a pretty good sex drive, but it works out in the wash. We have different likes and dislikes, we enjoy our alone time and make good use of our together time. does he love me? of course he does, without a doubt. but there is more to marriage then just physical/sexual stuff, there is emotional mental financial spiritual and such.. you dont have to connect on just 2 of the parts, marriage is more like a partnership and friendship rolled into one. 

We have been married for almost 9 yrs and let me tell you i would not have it any other way. We are happy content and living life, we dont stress the small stuff, i dont question him on what he is doing, and vice versa, we come together as one, we work as a team. and if there is Sex, great, it is the icing on the cake kind of thing. 


Now, not all relationships are like mine, granted, however, i feel that when you are married to someone, you love them for who THEY are, not who you WANT them to be. You fell in love with something about him ( his eyes laugh smile ect), play on that, the rest will come naturally. i promise.. at first, when i met my hubby, i did not like the whole " money thing" but, after a while it grew on me, and i love watching him come up with weird ways to make money .. all legal of course. some say he is a dreamer and to NOT fall in love with them, but, there are so many out there that that is how they started. 

sorry to get off topic, but, what i am trying to say is that work on the points you do love about him and the rest will be fine.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

This seems like something that can easily be fixed.

You both love each other so why not fix it?

What is it that you are looking for?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Unfortunately there isn't an easy solution to your situation and it really all depends on how important sex is to YOU! it sounds like your husband is definitely a people pleaser and wants you to be happy - but there are some things beyond his control (like physical attributes). Are there ways he can change up or improve the attributes you're finding unattractive? can you both adopt a healtier lifestyle together if it has to do with weight?
It's possible to be attracted to someones personality so much that you become arroused. But that can't happen if your mind is flooded with negative thoughts about where he falls short.
Im sure by now he knows and gets what's going on with you and if the man already as a low sex drive then its possible his self esteem is trashed which will only result in less sex. If you can influence him in positive ways like going shopping for new outfits or a new haircut for him then its possible to help him feel better about himself which can result in a better sex interest on his part. Men are terrified of being sub-par and if they fear their performance will come up short or they're inadequate; then sometimes they will avoid sex altogether. 
Your situation isn't ideal for intimacy to blossom but there are things you can both do to help that. Boost his confidence and make him feel attractive because then hopefully he will start taking more concern for his attractiveness physically. Its common for someone who feels poorly on the outside to try and compensate for it on the inside. Obviously you love this man and it sounds like he has a huge heart - what if you ended up with a sexual relationship with someone new but the guy is a selfish jerk who treats u like crap? 
Good people are hard to find - its well worth giving everything you've got to help him feel sexy and believe. His attitude can easily help your sexual interest if changed. 
Sex isn't everything and in time older couples have less and less of it! you do deserve to feel happy and attracted to him but helping yourself change the ideals of what's sexy to you can help you override the areas that he literally cannot change. 
Counseling is always a good idea - but I would focus more on getting him onboard with intimacy rather than focusing on how he's lacking or you're not attracted to his looks.
Hope it works out for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused27f (Oct 15, 2010)

misspoppy - I think if you read my last post (the long one) you'd see that there are far more issues than just being different people or making sex a priority. I agree with most of what you said about people being different and all that...there's just more to it. Thanks for responding, I appreciate it!

Lovinghimforever - unfortunately it's extremely difficult to fix because you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. I do love him and want to fix it - just tired and feel way too young to have wasted 7 yrs trying to change things. At this point I feel like I want to be single and focus on myself.

lovelieswithin - you hit the nail on the head! However, I'm not that attracted to his personality either! Yes, he has a HUGE heart but a low self esteem, low sense of self worth, little confidence, etc. This stems from past issues and I've been trying to build him up and fix his issues for the past 7 yrs. I'm not looking for someone exactly like me but I'm looking for someone who is emotionally, physically and mentally HEALTHY themselves. Possibly with energy that will go, do, and be with me! I'm extremely independent and don't mind being alone or doing things alone but when I'm with my husband, we barely find things to talk about and I find myself feeling empty. I'm also very into working out and eating healthy - he's been trying but he's very overweight and works a TON so it's been a struggle. I also love a sense of humor and outgoing personality...he's pretty quiet, works alot, serious, a lot of times cranky, etc. I'm sure most of this stems from his childhood abuse and serious issues that he claims he's finally going to seek therapy for. He has been trying to be more affectionate, intimate, initiate sex, etc. but now I'm the one who isn't really interested. I'm not picky with looks but the personality traits and chemistry have to turn me on. 

I think at this point in my life, I'm tired of being his protector, cheerleader, etc. and always worrying about how he will feel and deal with things and finally want to find out what I want. Sounds selfish but I don't want to end up 2, 5, 10, 20 years down the road with kids involved and thinking about the guy next door instead of my husband.


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## trixi (Sep 15, 2010)

Confusd 27f, I feel your pain as I am going through a similar situation. I met my husband when I was 24 (he was 34) and we have been togther a total of 8+ year and married for about 3 1/2 of those. He is a wonderful person and he has always been supportive and what everyone would normally consider a great husband. Until a couple of months ago I believed I was happily married. But instead of just thinking about another man I actually went and slept with one. I realized I haven't been happy or totally fulfilled in my marriage, and chose a bad way of reacting to that. I am the outgoing, travel loving, adventure seeking type of person, and as long as I have known my husband he hasn't been that way. He has never expressed interst in travel, and when I do ask him to go places he usually has a lot of resistance, and would be happier at home just the two of us. I won't go into the whole back story of our lives, but I have told him I am not happy (it took me over a month to tell him this, all the while he had no idea what I was thinking), and basically told him that I couldn't continue in the relationship if it stayed as it has been. He says he will change and really believes in our marriage and that it can work. But how can I expect him to change so much, and it isn't fair in my opinion to ask him to change so much. I mean going from a self-proclaimed "non social person" and homebody to someone who wants to go out and do adventurous things all of a sudden? I finally told him about my cheating also, and after a lot of talking he still thinks we can work on things. He also said he didn't think that he could exist without me as he wouldn't find another woman that would want to start a family with him (He is only 42, which isn't young but still and I think this may be a bit of a guilt trip thing but I am sure to him it really feels this way). But he also said I had to decide right then if I was leaving or staying...because I was not capable of making that decision I stayed but I don't know if it is for me or for him (or the guilt I am feeling). I am working on finding a counselor but I am also considering a "trial separation" of living separately for a while. I know this doesn't give you any insight but it sure helped me knowing that there was someone in a similar situation that was havign as hard a time making decisions as I am.


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## Gwynne (Nov 1, 2010)

I really feel for you as i'm in exactly the same situation. I married my best friend. When we got together he was the funny guy that everyone loved he was the person that everyone wanted to be friends with, me included. From early on I knew my attraction to him was different to that real lustful relationship you get when you meet someone that you don't know but I thought it would be ok and it would be enough. I pushed the niggles to the back of my mind but unfortunately over the years though there have been continual thoughts in my mind that maybe something was different between us to other couples and I actually found myself comparing myself to people. I've mentioned our problems to my husband but he blames me and seems quite happy in the fact that we barely have sex. This is part of a much bigger problem in my relationship but I want you to know that you are not alone in this problem that other people are going through it to. Because of our wider problems this has now become something I think about a lot now and has made me think if this is what my life is like now after 1 year of marriage what is it going to be like in 5 years!


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

I believe attraction is very important, especially personality. This is going to be the person you are suppose to be spending the rest of your life with. He/she may as well have "things" that you want in him. You can never make someone change later. I am going to have my daughter pay attention to what she likes in boys when she is an older teen. I am just going to get her to jot it down in her journal, to start making a list. If she likes somebody with a great sense of humour then write it down. Then later on when she's older she can make sure that person has that.

There are things that really tick me off with my husband that I knew about and I should have paid more attention to because they are serious problems (of course,I am greatful to have my daughter because of him). There are questionnaires that couples can take and I strongly recommend them, we have taken them however too late, after the marriage. These questions will pretty much state how so different or similar you are.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Physical attraction...eh. I think it matters to a degree, but what attracts you to a person physically is different for each person, and if the other things that count exist, you can find something about a person that you find physically attractive. 

I think being attracted to their personality is vital. There will, of course, be aspects to their personality that you don't like; that's the way it is with everyone. Your kids, your parents, even your very best friend, will all have parts of their personality that you don't like. But the parts you do like outweigh the ones you don't, so it all works. And it should be that way with your romantic partner as well. There are parts of his personality you don't like, but the good parts should outweigh the parts you don't like. If they don't, if you find that you dislike him personality-wise more than you like him, it's time to take a good, hard look at why.

Do you resent him for something? Resentment can lead to building things up to be bigger than they are, leading you to be annoyed by little things that wouldn't otherwise bother you. Are the things you don't like things that you always knew you didn't like and told yourself weren't that big a deal? Perhaps you overlooked things that you shouldn't have overlooked. You liking romance novels while he prefers Stephen King isn't a dealbreaker; but you putting family first while he thinks fishing with his buddies is #1 priority can be. If you overlooked an issue like that, telling yourself it didn't matter, that could have led you to where you are now. 

Some counseling might help you both. Even if the relationship doesn't last, it'll help you figure out where things went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. And it might help you two figure out why you're feeling this way, and maybe get back on track.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think physical attraction is huuuuuuge. It's like legal opium. It clouds your mind and diverts your attention away from your partner's shortcomings. A non-cooking, overspending wife, for example, is a lot easier to take if a man finds her incredibly hot. I think there is no adequate substitute for passion and a marriage without it is more accurately, a business arrangement.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

trixi said:


> Confusd 27f, I feel your pain as I am going through a similar situation. I met my husband when I was 24 (he was 34) and we have been togther a total of 8+ year and married for about 3 1/2 of those. He is a wonderful person and he has always been supportive and what everyone would normally consider a great husband. Until a couple of months ago I believed I was happily married. But instead of just thinking about another man I actually went and slept with one. I realized I haven't been happy or totally fulfilled in my marriage, and chose a bad way of reacting to that. I am the outgoing, travel loving, adventure seeking type of person, and as long as I have known my husband he hasn't been that way. He has never expressed interst in travel, and when I do ask him to go places he usually has a lot of resistance, and would be happier at home just the two of us. I won't go into the whole back story of our lives, but I have told him I am not happy (it took me over a month to tell him this, all the while he had no idea what I was thinking), and basically told him that I couldn't continue in the relationship if it stayed as it has been. He says he will change and really believes in our marriage and that it can work. But how can I expect him to change so much, and it isn't fair in my opinion to ask him to change so much. I mean going from a self-proclaimed "non social person" and homebody to someone who wants to go out and do adventurous things all of a sudden? I finally told him about my cheating also, and after a lot of talking he still thinks we can work on things. He also said he didn't think that he could exist without me as he wouldn't find another woman that would want to start a family with him (He is only 42, which isn't young but still and I think this may be a bit of a guilt trip thing but I am sure to him it really feels this way). But he also said I had to decide right then if I was leaving or staying...because I was not capable of making that decision I stayed but I don't know if it is for me or for him (or the guilt I am feeling). I am working on finding a counselor but I am also considering a "trial separation" of living separately for a while. I know this doesn't give you any insight but it sure helped me knowing that there was someone in a similar situation that was havign as hard a time making decisions as I am.


I think I just found my twin (minus sleeping with another man). Wow. Identical, my H is 51, I'm 40. We do have a daughter and that puts a HUGE road block in thinking we each could move on and find better happiness. I love him dearly, hate that I hurt him emotionally. So I 'play the part'. That hurts me. Wow, just so unreal to see so many similar stories.


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## LoveLife2 (Nov 8, 2010)

It is so comforting to hear others going through this! I am also going through a similar situation. I was sort of pushed into marriage by religion seven years ago. We have 2 young children, and that has been my reason for staying in the marriage. I was never physically attracted to my husband, but I thought that wouldn't matter. Well, it does. It makes sex life really challenging. We have grown closer as a couple and friends over the past 7 years, and I see him as a handsome guy, but there is no chemistry. I find it hard to enjoy sex, because of this lack of attraction. Now I feel "stuck" in a marriage, envious of people who get that "look" in their eyes when they see their spouse, and I feel horrible for feeling this way. Can I be happy in my marriage? I am not sure. Would I be happier outside my marriage? I am not sure either. We don't have a lot to talk about. When he goes on business trips, I enjoy the space and time to myself. 

I looked on other forums, and people would say it was so shallow. But I feel like there are a lot of people who have chemistry with their spouse, and they don't know what it is like to not feel anything. I try-- I really do. I guess after 7 years, I got tired of forcing myself to see something that wasn't there. I know it's possible, because I have felt chemistry for other people in the past. I even felt it recently for a friend. I didn't act on it, but it made me realize that I never felt that way about my own husband. I feel it's not fair to him, but he's happy to be with me. I am the one that is not happy. I want the best for my kids, and I feel like we have a nice life. I feel like I stay for convenience. We are financially stable, the kids are doing well, etc. 

I think it comes down to the fact that for some of us physical attraction IS important. We may not have realized it, and now we are married to people we are not attracted to. I wish I had answers, but at least you know you are not alone in your feelings, and I am so glad to know I am not alone in mine.

I think time, commitment, and sincere caring about someone does make it grow a little, but I think there's more to it. I guess I sort of want my chance in life to have that feeling with the person I am married to. I know it doesn't feel like that all the time in a marriage, but I am sad that I have never felt it.


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