# I'm losing my ability to really care.



## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

Lets put my mood in perspective:

Today I got the bright idea "well, let's be proactive, and do something nice for the wife." I go out to the store, grab fresh ingredients to make her a home cooked meal. Well dinner is being cooked, she notices what I bought and goes off. "You know we had all of this stuff, you were just too lazy not to look!" Well see I get that, yet I have checked the usual places for these things. Only issue being is that my wife is one of "those" woman who like to rearrange the kitchen and you get to find out where everything goes.

After dinner is finished, she goes off to the computer room. 45 minutes later she tells me "come here" well I wait about two minutes because my old dog wants to play with me. Needless to say she keeps asking until I snap back "alright I'm coming!" Well next I hear the laptop slam close and her storming around the house...I apparently didn't throw my dog off the couch and rush to her side...to see that she wants to buy a used bed....something I have little, to no interest with.

Well woman goes crazy, and starts angrily cleaning the house, pushing me aside belittling me for "not doing anything for her". Essentially it gets to the point in my head where I envision myself hitting her with a plate, so I calmly tell her "look, I'm not taking this...clean up yourself." I leave the room...go brush my teeth. 

Well she's still fuming up and down the house calling me a child, and all sorts of lovely names, belittling me saying I do nothing for her. 
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I'm going to be honest, I'm a stay at home husband. I run my own business out of my house and my memory isn't the sharpest. People forget things, and I'm not a highly overly organized person. You'd think about 3 years of being together she would have caught onto this.

I'm not going to tell you all a pack of lies to make me look good. I forget the laundry sometime, I forget dishes sometimes. I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be perfect. Yet according to her, I do nothing for her. I never lift a finger to help her. In her opinion I've never done a single nice thing for her...which to be honest I have. I pulled her from a dead end job, and turned her life around. Whenever she was in trouble I came to the rescue. I have always been there for her, and loved her. Yet when I forget the laundry once every 4 days or so...I'm suddenly the most disgusting slob on the planet who does nothing.
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So we're going to bed, I'm still being called names and such, and the couch is looking friendly (I'm currently hole'd up in my studio). I try to explain to her "no one will ever learn if you swoop in and do it for them." She replies "well we have the same conversations over and over and over..and I'm tired of it." Eventually it comes down to me saying "well stop then, stop swooping in and doing it for me, some relationships are about love and communication, people remind each other, and it works. If we had children they would have to be reminded." Well she crosses the line "so you admit you're a child...you walk into it with open arms." I leave the room, and tell her off as I exit "I'm not taking this, I'm not sleeping next to you." Well I hear her yelling "you think I want to go to bed angry"...and my response "too bad."
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Look I'm not bragging, I don't like where my marriage is heading. This is just one of many problems. My wife and I had a healthy relationship, we made love often...we did things for each other...we were happy.

Suddenly she stops sleeping with me, the thought of having sex with me revolts her. She'll push me away, and basically blast me with comments relating me to being a child....so I've given up on sleeping with her. Oh and when we do have sex, she lays there...like a cold fish.

My wife has issues I doubt she sees, when we're in a group of friends...I don't exist. My opinion does-not-matter, I'm a ghost. She makes no eye contact with me at all. She sees how depressed it makes me, and does not care.
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Oh and here is the best part of it all...the "work husband." Who is invited to dinner without my knowledge or consent. I say otherwise she replies "you didn't listen, I told you." These two are really friendly together...they laugh at each other's jokes, and are always doing projects together and she acts all coy with him...when we go out places she makes it seem like I'm the third wheel. She knows I'm jealous of how she treats him, she knows it angers me, I've even lashed out and accused her of sleeping with him which she denies...and I still think they've fooled around with how they act together. He gets very quiet whilst I'm around...

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I've also voiced concerns of depression/thoughts of suicide/seeing a shrink...she didn't care to ask why or understand. It was business as usual.

She seems more concerned about halloween (which she has been planning since June) than her marriage and how to fix it....in fact another couple we know are planning a halloween party...which I'm considering skipping our's and going to their's if it means being treated like a ghost and wanting to drink myself stupid.

Oh by the way I've developed a knack for drinking away my problems with my wife. I get plastered at parties to not give a **** anymore. Went out of town and blew 90 dollars on booze..worth every penny.

So all of this coupled together leaves me to the conclusion my wife, always sees me as in the wrong, not worthy of a say, anything. She goes on with her work husband...they have inside jokes and I'm always left feeling like the kid with his hands pressed against the glass outside of the house watching everything on the inside going right. 

I honestly have no desire to listen to what this woman has to say, or doing anything nice for her. I make her dinner, and I'm not thanked, in stead I'm dressed down for buying duplicates of materials I didn't know we had (a whopping ten dollars!), put down, and called a child countless times....forgeting about me trying to do anything nice for her. 

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To summerize those who skipped the above:

My wife is obsessed with organization.
She belittles me for forgetting a single task.
She has a "work husband" who she gives more attention to, and laughs with/acts coy with.
She constantly calls me a child.
My wife ignores me at parties and pretends I don't exist.
When we go out with her "work husband", I'm the third wheel.
Our sex life is non existent, my hand has more life in it than she does.
She does not listen to what I have to say.
I'm really contemplating leaving her/committing suicide. Telling her this, she's unaffected and tells me I'm being weak.


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## Camarillo Brillo (Oct 10, 2012)

Life is too short to be that miserable. I think you know what you need to do.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She's having an affair with the "work husband." It may or may not be physical. Jump over to the Coping With Infidelity forum on this site, read & learn.

You have zero chance of repairing this marriage until the "work husband" is out of the picture.

Also read up on the "180." It is for you.

Good luck.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes it's at least an emotional affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, that's bad. She's a real piece of work.

Keep reading around here, there's tons of good info. And yeah, the 'work husband' thing is a huge red flag. Have a read at the CWI Newbies link in my sig.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You know and we know suicide is not the answer. So stop that thought right away. 

Plain and simple, she does not respect you. Her actions show it. 

I am a stay at home dad also. I know exactly what you are going through. 

First thing is, stop accusing her of sleeping with that guy. Get evidence first. VAR in car and check her phone for text messages/emails. If you find anything, don't confront until you post here. 

Also, stop trying to please her with surprises or gifts. You are actually making yourself look weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your wife is having an affair. Once a woman latches on to her OM, she vilifies her husband; women can't love two men at the same time, so EVERYTHING becomes ALL YOUR FAULT. That way, she can justify having feelings for her boy toy.

Check the phone records to see how many calls and texts they have, install a keylogger on her computer. Start gathering the evidence, print it out, keep a copy with someone else, and then confront her and tell her you want her to stop and go NC with this man. When she refuses, you sit down and call her important people - parents, siblings, best friend - and tell them she's having an affair and you need their help to get OM out of the picture so you can look at the marriage with a fair eye; tell them that, after he's gone, if she STILL isn't happy, you'll move on, but you can't do anything until she stops seeing him. Expect her to be furious; your marriage can survive her anger but it can't survive a third person. Sit back and wait for the fallout and see if she gives him up. If not, make plans to move one of you out; she will need the wakeup call of you not being her fallback plan. THEN, she may take you seriously and consider giving OM up.

At least that's how it usually goes.


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Your wife is having an affair. Once a woman latches on to her OM, she vilifies her husband; women can't love two men at the same time, so EVERYTHING becomes ALL YOUR FAULT. That way, she can justify having feelings for her boy toy.
> 
> Check the phone records to see how many calls and texts they have, install a keylogger on her computer. Start gathering the evidence, print it out, keep a copy with someone else, and then confront her and tell her you want her to stop and go NC with this man. When she refuses, you sit down and call her important people - parents, siblings, best friend - and tell them she's having an affair and you need their help to get OM out of the picture so you can look at the marriage with a fair eye; tell them that, after he's gone, if she STILL isn't happy, you'll move on, but you can't do anything until she stops seeing him. Expect her to be furious; your marriage can survive her anger but it can't survive a third person. Sit back and wait for the fallout and see if she gives him up. If not, make plans to move one of you out; she will need the wakeup call of you not being her fallback plan. THEN, she may take you seriously and consider giving OM up.
> 
> At least that's how it usually goes.


Oh I've suggested she tone down OM coming over unannounced to me, and how close they are...her best reply to date "I'm not giving up my best friend."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course not. She's in love with him. Read this book: Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.



> she explores "the new crisis of infidelity" resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense. Personal and professional friendships between men and women have become so prevalent and accepted that, according to Glass, even "good" people in "good" marriages can be swept away in a riptide of emotional intimacy more potent than sheer sexual attraction. Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma.


Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass,Jean Coppock Staeheli: 9780743225502: Amazon.com: Books


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Dalebot said:


> Oh I've suggested she tone down OM coming over unannounced to me, and how close they are...her best reply to date "I'm not giving up my best friend."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dalebot said:


> Oh I've suggested she tone down OM coming over unannounced to me, and how close they are...her best reply to date "I'm not giving up my best friend."


 Go back and read the plan. 

You don't 'suggest' she tone it down. You man up and shed your beta male stance (after you gather the evidence) and tell her "I will not be your fallback plan. Get rid of OM or I'm seeing a lawyer."

btw, women DESPISE weak men. Just becoming a stay at home is enough to lower your 'score' with her, and then 'suggesting' she get rid of him makes you even weaker. Why would she choose you? You're weak, and you ask for permission (and probably sex), and when she turns you down, you do nothing. Beta.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dalebot said:


> Oh I've suggested she tone down OM coming over unannounced to me, and how close they are...her best reply to date "I'm not giving up my best friend."


If you are not her best male friend then this has already gone too far. Essentially she is at least in an EA. That means she is going to have to change jobs. Yes I said it. She needs to let this guy go and go total NC.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> If you are not her best male friend then this has already gone too far. Essentially she is at least in an EA. That means she is going to have to change jobs. Yes I said it. She needs to let this guy go and go total NC.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read everything available at this site:
Alpha and Beta Male Traits | Married Man Sex Life


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Woman perspective, I don't think your weak or beta, alpha and beta male are little terms that are flung around TAM to often.

Your wife does not respect you, that does not make you "weak" that makes your wife *****
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I didn't say he was weak. That's what his WIFE thinks. And that's what determines what she does.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Life is too short to be that unhappy. I hope you can find the answers and strength you need OP, all the best with your situation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> I didn't say he was weak. That's what his WIFE thinks. And that's what determines what she does.


Not being assetive with ones boundaries IS a weakness.
Being a victim is weak. Sorry but encouraging a man to be more manly is not a bad thing. Men are not women.

But indeed your point is dead on. She perceives him as weak. That matters. The affair(s) are on her but nothing wrong with being accountable for ourselves. These are part of lifes lessons.

When someone takes advantage of us it is certainly their wrong doing. However shame on us for being taken advantage of. I have no problem with fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Then again a really smart person learns from the mistakes of others.

The whole conversation about Alpha / Beta seems to bother folks. I think for some it flies against the agenda that says men and women are and should be the same. I say that men and women are different and that is a great thing, becuase together they are better then either is alone. We complement one another in very good ways.




> Oh and here is the best part of it all...the "work husband." Who is invited to dinner without my knowledge or consent. I say otherwise she replies "you didn't listen, I told you." These two are really friendly together...they laugh at each other's jokes, and are always doing projects together and she acts all coy with him...when we go out places she makes it seem like I'm the third wheel. She knows I'm jealous of how she treats him, she knows it angers me, I've even lashed out and accused her of sleeping with him which she denies...and I still think they've fooled around with how they act together. He gets very quiet whilst I'm around...


Sorry. No man should put up with going along on a night out with his wife and her date. This IS way too freaking Beta. It is not much better than them going on their date alone. In fact it is creepy in a you know what way. Going along with this is enabling the disrespect and contributes to the loss of attraction. Is a woman like this worth keeping? No certainly. However, is a husband who puts up with this worth keeping?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Dalebot said:


> Today I got the bright idea "well, let's be proactive, and do something nice for the wife." I go out to the store, grab fresh ingredients to make her a home cooked meal. Well dinner is being cooked, she notices what I bought and goes off. "You know we had all of this stuff, you were just too lazy not to look!" Well see I get that, yet I have checked the usual places for these things. Only issue being is that my wife is one of "those" woman who like to rearrange the kitchen and you get to find out where everything goes.


Maybe she's high on amphetamine or methamphetamine. Amphetamine and meth are known to cause severe OCD symptoms, such as constantly re-organizing things, cleaning things that are already clean, moving the furniture around, wanting to re-paint the walls for no apparent reason. 



> to see that she wants to buy a used bed....something I have little, to no interest with.


So she wants to buy a bed for no apparent reason? Meth and OCD, man.



> Well woman goes crazy, and *starts angrily cleaning the house*


Does anyone else remember the Meth Song? 30 second commercial
She's totally high on meth. Does she own any glass pipes? Does she always complain about having a dry mouth? Are her gums starting to recede due to dry mouth? Does she grind her teeth at night? Does she seem to be powered entirely by sugary drinks rather than normal meals?



> Yet when I forget the laundry once every 4 days or so...I'm suddenly the most disgusting slob on the planet who does nothing.


She doesn't own enough clothes to last more than 4 days without doing the laundry? I can sometimes go 2 weeks without doing laundry. I wonder what happened to her other clothes. Maybe she sold them to buy meth.



> Suddenly she stops sleeping with me, the thought of having sex with me revolts her. She'll push me away, and basically blast me with comments relating me to being a child....so I've given up on sleeping with her. Oh and when we do have sex, she lays there...like a cold fish.


Alright so she's probably not high on meth. That stuff makes people hypersexual. How old is she? Estrogen has some of the same effects as serotonin, so a sharp decrease in estrogen can cause severe depression. Women are often given SNRI antidepressants to deal with it.



> Oh and here is the best part of it all...the "work husband." Who is invited to dinner without my knowledge or consent. I say otherwise she replies "you didn't listen, I told you." These two are really friendly together...they laugh at each other's jokes, and are always doing projects together and she acts all coy with him...when we go out places she makes it seem like I'm the third wheel. She knows I'm jealous of how she treats him, she knows it angers me, I've even lashed out and accused her of sleeping with him which she denies...and I still think they've fooled around with how they act together. He gets very quiet whilst I'm around...


"It doesn't count as cheating if the lights were off and I couldn't definitively say whose penis was in my mouth."
Woman Logic 



> I've also voiced concerns of depression/thoughts of suicide/seeing a shrink...she didn't care to ask why or understand. It was business as usual.


She can't empathize because she thinks you're faking it. Solution: ask your doctor if you can try haloperidol. Put the haloperidol in her morning scotch. As an antipsychotic drug, it's extremely sedating and it drains a person's soul. Major depression is a common side effect of it because its ability to block dopamine receptors makes everything boring and unenjoyable. After she knows how much major depression sucks, and she talks about seeing a doctor, stop drugging her. She'll understand your position a lot better after doing this. 
(not my fault if she dies)



> She seems more concerned about halloween (which she has been planning since June) than her marriage and how to fix it....in fact another couple we know are planning a halloween party...which I'm considering skipping our's and going to their's if it means being treated like a ghost and wanting to drink myself stupid.


Haloperidol. She'll be the one who looks waaaaay too drunk in front of her friends and coworkers. After she passes out, you go to your friend's party. Put away anything of value so nothing gets stolen.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Drug her?? Seriously??


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Drug her?? Seriously??


Either that or leave. This relationship is doomed.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Get rid of her.


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

The gods answered my prayers!

Her chain of command decided to switch things up. He now works in another building, and she's now working 12 hour random shifts!

She came home crying. I had zero sympathy.

Yet I'll stick to this and support her until it's over. If she doesn't see me as a vital asset to her life, and as her supporter...screw it I'm done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you done ANYTHING that we suggested?


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you done ANYTHING that we suggested?


I can't exactly implement any of this over night.

I have looked into the "180" shut down the emotional aspects, and just go about my merry way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ah. Well, good luck. With you and your booze.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with almost every response here (save the "drug her" mentality.) But at the same time I'm asking myself, "So what's her side of the story?" because the problem is never just one person, and you can't change her but you can change you.

It sounds to me as if you're pretty passive-aggressive. She wants to show you something on the computer (albeit in a demanding way) and instead of saying something, you fool around with your "old dog that wants to play." You communicate very clearly how little she matters to you when you do this, yet you want her to treat you as if you matter to her. 

I think it may be too late to recover from it, but if you're not ready to leave, then try manning up. As everyone has said, make it clear that if you are not her "best friend," then the relationship and support end NOW. She can invite her best friend to sleep on the couch maybe, but she sure as hell won't be sharing a bed with you. 

Then act as if she matters to you. Don't ignore her, throw your responsibility to the wind by drinking, or play silly mind games to prove something to yourself. Either act like you love her or get away from her.


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ah. Well, good luck. With you and your booze.


I have clearly read the alpha/beta traits. I couldn't impliment most of them mainly because it's been one day. I did however voice myself clearly to her, removing the words "maybe" and "possibly" and being much more direct. "This is going to happen".

The vilifying has also ceased, I can't think of her as "the evil one" if I want to fix my relationship. We have issues that need to be addressed. I'm going to take care of her needs, and Its been made very clear mine need to be taken care of as well. Relationships are always 50/50. 

Her going on this new schedule/shift is more of a blessing for me. The other dude wont see her PERIOD. The only person she will have direct contact with is me. This is the perfect chance to man up and provide for her and be there for her. 

I think most of my issues, revolves around me not giving a ****. Once the sex life took a crash, I kinda just checked out. I got into that mind set of "well she stopped sleeping with me...why should I give two ****s." and basically this opened the door for the other guy. 

I need to actually be there, take charge, and get in there. This is my wife god damnit, not his!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

^ I like that attitude.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That sounds much better.

Book list: 
No More Mr Nice Guy, for manning up
His Needs Her Needs, for figuring out what your marriage was SUPPOSED to (and still can) look like, so that BOTH of you remain happy in it


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dalebot said:


> I have clearly read the alpha/beta traits. I couldn't impliment most of them mainly because it's been one day. I did however voice myself clearly to her, removing the words "maybe" and "possibly" and being much more direct. "This is going to happen".
> 
> The vilifying has also ceased, I can't think of her as "the evil one" if I want to fix my relationship. We have issues that need to be addressed. I'm going to take care of her needs, and Its been made very clear mine need to be taken care of as well. Relationships are always 50/50.
> 
> ...


And you know this why? Perhap with her random 12 hours shifts she will be seeing this guy more often. Why would you believe this? 

Amazing that once it looked like she would need to change jobs he is in anither building ... like that matters and now she works "random" 12 hours shifts. Right.

The attitude shift? I hope for your sake it is real.


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

I know this because it is the military. You can't exactly lie/get away with these things.

I highly HIGHLY doubt she'll see him. It's been made aware of to her commanding officer that things between them are "too close for comfort" a small base doesn't take these things lightly. They have been split up for this very reason. 

Look I came to the conclusion the other night that if this relationship dies I have no one to blame but myself. I'd go back to the states with the mentality that I didn't give it a real shot and failed.

I'm not ready to ditch her yet, and honestly if she wont catch on and go with the program, I'll go home knowing it wasn't me who failed, it was her.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

shawnd said:


> maybe she's high on amphetamine or methamphetamine. Amphetamine and meth are known to cause severe ocd symptoms, such as constantly re-organizing things, cleaning things that are already clean, moving the furniture around, wanting to re-paint the walls for no apparent reason.
> 
> 
> So she wants to buy a bed for no apparent reason? Meth and ocd, man.
> ...


rotflmfao!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I lived a life where my ex h belittled me daily and told me how worthless I was. I was the breadwinner and doing 100% of the house work, plus raising a baby while my ex h was out sleeping with other women. There was no way in heck I was going to live a life like that and bring my child up in that very hostile environment. I packed up my baby, clothes and left. Oh, his gf moved in 3 days after I left. They eventually married. Guess what? I know 3 women in detail who he had affairs with on his current wife, the one who won him from me.(or she thought she won). She accepts the affairs and the abuse. The abuse really worsened over the years. 

I started on a new journey. A road to better myself and raise my own standards. I started taking college courses while I continued to work and raise my daughter in a loving home. 

I wasn't going to remarry, but along the road I met this very honorable man who fell in love with me. I fell in love with him too, the last 12 years of marriage have been wonderful despite a couple major health issues I encountered. My husband stands by my side supporting me with everything he has. He took in my daughter with open arms and raised her like a man should raise a child.

My ex would of belittled me even more(in fact I believe he did) after I remarried. I just hung the phone up on him. Eventually my ex stopped seeing his child, which was good because he treated my child just the way he treated me. It's called verbal and emotional abuse. 

Abuse and infidelity are my number 1 deal breakers in a marriage. There is no way I was going to let someone bring me down, why should you?

You think this is your fault? How? Do you call your wife names a belittle her first or even at all? Your wife lost all respect for you for whatever reason. I wouldn't even treat my ex h as bad as your wife treats you. Why would you want her back? She has done nothing, but destroy your life and who you are as a man. 

Even if you work inside the home does not make you less of a man. Your both working, your both entitled to housework. It should be shared when there are 2 incomes. I can see if you were not working, then it would be your job to make sure the laundry is done, the dishes washed, dinner on the table, ect.. Even if you were not working, that doesn't mean your wife has the right to belittle and call you names. It's abuse. Why would you want a spouse who abuses and betrays you? Your not her doormat.

Personally, I'd move on. There are women out there who will love and respect you.


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