# Feel like I'm drowning!



## KerryLBerryJ

I hate my marriage. I’ve hated it for 2 years at least. If we didn’t have kids I would have called it quits long ago. Our 6 year anniversary is in March. Our ODD will be 5 in March and we have a “miracle” 6 m old daughter. I say miracle because I hate having sex with him. I got pregnant with her on one of the 2x in a month. My daughters are the only sunshine in my life right now. I dread going home after work. He’s good with the girls and they love him so much and I hate for them to grow up without him around all the time. But I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve never felt this way in my whole life. I’ve always been strong willed and independent. I have a degree and have a career. Got married right out of college and divorced 3 years later. Bought my own house, excellent credit. Sometime money was tight but would get a night job to pull thru. Met current husband after I had been on my own for 8 years. At first my family would joke with me about us being attached at the hips. Now its not a joke. I can’t do anything without him. My mom and I used to take little trips together and I had a lot of friends I would do things with. I’ve looked up overly possessive on the internet and he fits parts of the description but not all. He’s not physically abusive but if I want to do ANYTHING with out him he starts out pouting, then its a million questions. If I actually do something, then he calls me several times (not as bad as he used to be though). I can’t even go to the store by myself without it being a fight (unless its on the way home from work). I carpool and have been carpooling with the same guy for the last 13+ years. We were friends before ever working at the same company, he works someplace else now but close enough that we can still carpool (no one else I work with lives in my town). He is like an older brother to me. My husband does not like me carpooling with this man. He questions me about everyone from my past. I dread asking him if he cares if I do something because of the way he ask so therefore I just don’t do it. All my friends have quit asking me to do things with them. In the past 6 years I’ve had maybe 2 girl night out. I love to read… he doesn’t. He’ll make comments about books I read. If I’m on the phone and walk out of the room, he’ll make an excuse to come into the room I’m in. I have to get up very early in the morning to have any time to myself. I feel like I can’t even take a relaxing bath because I’m not in the room with him. 
His best friend is terrified to even look at me because my husband will say something to him. He really has no other friends and no hobbies.
I’ve always been an optimistic, easy going person. Try to see the good side of everything. He’s a pessimist (and comes by it honestly). He complains about EVERYTHING. His family is the same way. They have no friends. They even have their own church. I’m the black sheep because I refuse to go to their religion. My husband doesn’t go to their church but refuses any other because of beliefs. If you don’t believe the way they do, then your going to hell. My MIL told my husband when we found out my ODD was a girl that she “dreaded seeing that girl in pants”. I take the girls to church with me (different religion). He makes little snide comments. 
We had a huge fight earlier this week. My best friend and I have been planning for 2 years to do something this year for our 40th birthdays. At first it was a cruise with our spouses, well I can’t afford it, then we talked about me and her getting away for the night. Her birthday is in March and she called to let me know that her and several other girlfriends are getting together the Saturday before her birthday for an overnight trip. Its very important to her that I be there. That night is our anniversary. She can’t change the weekend to another. He threw a fit. “You’d rather go out with your friends and get drunk than spend our anniversary together”. I can understand him being upset about the date but I have a feeling its because I want to do something without him. Even if it was on another date, he’d have the same reaction, especially since the plans are to stay overnight somewhere. I’m tired of feeling like a child, afraid to ask her parents to do something because of the reaction. 

Sorry this is so long and probably doesn’t make sense or portraying exactly how I feel. I’m turning 40 this year and feel like I’m going backwards instead of forwards.


----------



## Alexandra

Thanks for venting. I can totally see how you feel smothered and feel like you're drowning - it all seems very oppressive.

Are there little things that you can to show him you are in charge of your time, hobbies, friendships, etc.? Taking small steps might be easier than big ones. I know that you will have to put up with the pouting and the fights, but if you hold your ground and just tell him to deal, it may result in some small freedoms for you. After that happening for awhile, possibly you could move onto larger things.

Be careful that you don't just get so fed up that you go completely overboard, doing something totally not you just because you're trying to prove a point to him.


----------



## themrs

Some of the things you mentioned you are just going to have to ignore. Like his comments about the books you read, just ignore. 

If I were you I'd plan a day out with my girlfriends at least once a month. I'd make it around the same date each month and let him know that I was doing this giving him plenty of time to get used to the idea. When the day arrived, I'd stick to my plan and ignore his complaints. You aren't doing anything wrong. When I was out with my girlfriends, I would turn my phone off and let it go straight to voicemail. 

To keep balance, you could also plan a special day with him once a month as well and let him know about it in advance just like you do with your friends. To lessen his anxiety about your girl's nights, make your date with him around the same time. 

He's going to have to get a grip, but the only way he can do that is if you ignore his behavior and not let his controlling ways interfere with your living your life.


----------



## turnera

What you will have to do is reassert your independence while at the same time ensuring that he feels loved. I did the same thing for 30 years - stopped doing everything that was important to ME because my husband would make derogatory comments. I gave up my friends. Stopped visiting my mother. Quit reading at home. Never went anywhere unless it was his idea, with HIM. By the end, I felt invisible; wanted to die. Finally I realized that I had just as much right to be happy as he did. I didn't have to be the one to sacrifice everything. 

The key, though, is to reassure him that you CAN have a life and STILL be his loving wife.


----------



## Luna

I feel the same way...

I can really relate to the not being able to even take a relaxing bath. I feel like I have absolutely no privacy. We are NEVER allowed to lock doors. Since we've been together I havent been able to steal away for half an hour to take my bath. My bath time is SACRED to me!! Even my showers...he would INSIST on taking a shower with me. It used to be romantic, like the first 3 times, now its just annoying. I get shoved to the cold side where the hot water doesnt reach. I put my foot down and ended that. 

We had many long talks and not doing so much together. We agreed that he needs to go hang out with the guys, I need to make new girl friends (we just moved to a new town and work the same job!!) and give each other space. Do our own hobbies seperately. Then we have something to talk about at night.


----------



## cntrywrtr

That is a really bad situation. I can tell you from experience that you are NOT doing your children a favor by staying with your husband if you aren't happy. It affects them way more negatively to live in a "broken home" then to have an every other weekend relationship with their dad. Whether they see you arguing or not they know. Kids can sense that tension. Does your husband know how you are feeling?? Have you sat down and really told him all these things. You should. Maybe he isn't happy either and that is the reason he acts the way he does. If he's willing maybe you could take marriage counselling. Try to fix it anyway you can so that you feel peace of mind that you've done everything you can to save your family, but it's not healthy for you or your daughters to stay in your situation.


----------



## mlims

I have been on the other side of this. I really feel sad that you feel this way about your life and your situation. This is no way to live and you should just leave. Actually, you should have left at the first signs of this, because you have only made it worse for yourself and for him. 

If you think you are living in your own personal hell, you have no idea the hell he is living. The worst thing is, is that you have created it for both of you. Yes, he is responding the way he is and it completely a natural way to act when the person you love and whom you have partnered with to create all your hopes and dreams is being unfaithful to you. 

This may upset you, but I can guarantee that you have been at the very least corresponding with men behind his back or filling all your thoughts with someone else. Men are made by their woman's love, respect and honor. Men, unlike women, do not have close circles of friends like woman do. Social stigma makes it that way. If a woman sees to guys hugging they will gossip that they must be gay. If a guy goes to a bar alone, woman with say he must be a creep. It is a lonely world for a man in many cases. Even good looking men do not get compliments and signs that they are attractive from other women...women, who are even half decent looking get compliments and guys asking for their number.

A marriage, even a partnership is an opportunity for you to not only go deeper inside yourself, but to go deeper into trusting building a partnership with this other person and becoming one. Being independant is easy...its a cop out. It takes extreme courage and trust in the process of surrender to this partnership and to god. Movies and books are written about this. Most people end up like you do, because they don't have the guts to go deeper, into the forest and come out the other side stronger than ever. 


Look at any spiritual book. I can think of one that states this emphatically... a course in miracles. You created all of this and you will create this over and over because its not about him. You could recreate this same scenario with another 5 guys and it comes to the fact that you aren't willing to go deeper into the relationship where you become one at a spiritual level, for feer of losing your independance. 

Men need three things: Compliments on how they look, how they are doing, and how much you appreciate them. Touch, it doesnt have to be sex. But a 10 second passionate kiss, the touch of your hand on his neck, his arm, his hand. Cook them a special meal once in a while and a man will walk through hell and back, over burning coals for you and his family.

The worst thing about this situation is that it has gone on way too long. You most likely started the pulling away, and you are making everyones life a living hell. It take courage to stand up and leave and do whats right to start the healing. Problem is, most women will only leave when they have lost a lot of weight, got themselves set up, financially and found a new guy to go to. Be extra ordinary. Start meditating, stop all contact with other guys and women who are gossipers and support lower morals, and take the high road. Have a talk with him and tell him you need to leave and its over. Find a new place and start fresh. 

And never, ever, get into a relationship with someone unless you are willing to completely surrender to it and live in the love and the random of god and the universe.


----------



## KeepLoveGrowing

First question... Do you want the marriage to be turned around and work out?

If not, don't waste his time and yours. To do otherwise would be unfair to him. He obviously loves you, he deserves the truth. Be honest with him and yourself. 

If you do want it to improve, then Start marriage counselling, like... today. Sometimes it helps to hear to truth of the situation from a third party. You might also try a sex therapist for the sex only 2x per month issue.

Honestly, it sounds like you're looking for us to tell you to leave him so that you can ease a guilty conscious and feel justified in walking out on your marriage. In truth, that's a decision on you (and he) can be responsible for.


----------



## goodwife4

i was with a very possessive man once and it was all because he was insecure. i couldnt even go to the shop and back because he thought i was having an affair..
i ended up with no friends because i couldnt see them or talk to them and they didnt like him ....

it was sad.... then i left..... maybe he needs to change or he will lose you...... eventually you will end up hating him and thats not good for your girls to grow up in a home where they see that everyday..
maybe better on your own ?


----------



## northernlights

I think you need to try marriage counseling. Even if you think you've tried talking to him about his possessiveness, you might not have done it effectively (not a judgement on you, maybe the communication was ineffective because he wasn't putting effort into understanding you). Since things have gotten this bad, it's best to just have the conversation in front of a good MC, so she/he can get a chance to observe how you communicate and put you on the right path.

My personal beliefs are that you owe it to your kids to give this marriage everything you've got. You feel awful living in a situation that (albeit unintentionally), you've helped create. How much worse will they feel being forced into a situation they have no responsibility for and don't want? You don't have to martyr yourself for the rest of your life for them, no. But (again, my belief) is that you do have to bear the hardest thing in the world for them: giving it a real, honest try even if the idea makes your skin crawl.

I'm not just talking out of my butt here! I'd be gone too if we didn't have kids. But we do. Whenever I feel depressed that I am where I am, I think about how much I want to spare my girls from this feeling. So even though I sometimes fantasize about divorce, I'm trying to re-direct that energy into praying for a miracle. 

Your husband will have to work on it too though. He needs to know how you feel so he can do the work of helping you fall in love with him again. Or at least like him again. 

When I feel like giving up, I imagine what an achievement it would be to turn a marriage like mine around. Maybe we'll never have a passionate love again, but if I could get to the point where I respected who he is and he was a partner who respected me, I'd feel like we were pretty awesome. And if we don't, I'll at least know I did whatever I could to get us there.

Good luck to you. Definitely take a little breather from the marriage. My husband took a trip with my brother for a week once and it was wonderful. Sucks that your friends' birthday is your anniversary, but if you feel at this point that an anniversary is nothing worth celebrating, then I don't see how it's that big of a deal. Hopefully there will be more anniversaries in the future that you do want to celebrate.


----------



## Lyris

Guys, this OP is from 2010...


----------



## northernlights

D'oh!
I wish these people would come back once in a while and give us the ending of the story. It'd be so helpful for the people who are right now where she was 2 years ago. I hate unsettled endings.


----------

