# It's just not the same



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Short version - I had an EA (a little over a month ago) and was caught by my wife. She forgave me in a few days, and she's been moving on as if nothing happened. I'm still lost. I'm also in counseling. We've been married 30 years, and we have adult children. There has been contact with the other woman.

Lately, I've been questioning my love for her. I think this is a result of her asking me several times if I do really love her, or if it's guilt driven. I tell her I do, and it's real. But now, I'm doubting myself lately and trying to understand my thoughts.

Recently, we went out for dinner. It was a quiet dinner where she talked and I rarely did (this is normal). Afterwards, we went home and had sex. I call it sex instead of making love because that's what it was. I didn't feel the romantic passion at all. Only pure lust to get sexual relief. I don't mind that from time to time, but that's all that it has been lately. She has also been more affectionate lately, and offering to have sex much more often than before the EA was discovered.

I'm struggling to find the love and passion for her that I once had. I'm also wondering why the big change in her and the quick forgiveness of my EA. Things don't feel right in any area. 

A few days after she discovered my EA, she told me about her fear of being single and not being able to make it financially if I left her. As the one who manages the finances, I know this would not be the case. Yes, there would be some cuts in discretionary spending on both sides, but we would both be fine if we agreed on an equal settlement. I tend to spoil her with expensive purchases that we can afford, and she enjoys it. 

I've been having thoughts of asking for a divorce. I care for my wife, but I can't find the passion and love for her anymore. It's not fair to her and me to live this way. It's feels fake. I'm also wondering if one of the reasons she's hanging on to me is to maintain her lifestyle financially (the gifts she gets). I hate to think this way, but I'm looking at everything in an effort to understand. I'm starting to get more unhappy each day. 

Things just aren't the same, and I don't know what to do. I think I might be done, but I'm afraid to do something that would clearly look like a selfish act by divorcing her. Is seeking one's happiness really selfish?

I need some advice please.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> There has been contact with the other woman.



youve said repeatedly that you ended contact, so has that changed or were you lying?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

You are never going to regain that bond until there is NO CONTACT with the other woman. Also, you are going through withdrawals similar to that of a drug addict. It is possible to regain the intimacy that once was but not without a plan and that begins with no contact. 

Get the book "Surviving An Affair". It will help understand what you are feeling as well as your wife. But more importantly, it gives you a plan to create the marriage that will be fulfilling to both you and your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry, I meant NO contact. I did not lie.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ah the dreaded typo


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I went back and added that fact later and forgot to type the key word "No".


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

It sounds to me like you have a lot to work with here. I cant imagine anyone would suggest giving up. 

Your wife realized she wasnt meeting your needs and doesnt want to lose you. The physical aspects seem ok but the emotional is lacking. 

My suggestion is to get to the bottom of your lack of emotional connection with your wife. I have ZERO experience with that since I have always been on fire with passion towards my wife. 

Please domt give up. What you need is a discovery what the root of your issue is and its as good as fixed. 

Best wishes with all


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Sorry, I meant NO contact. I did not lie.


If this is the case, you are definitely going thru withdrawals. As with any addictions, and affairs drop fall in that category, its cinnamon take time for the feelings for the ow to subside. Not much your wife does right now is of any use. You haven't gotten over your affair yet. As no contact continues, the blinders will eventually come off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you can go book a weekend trip somewhere nice for the just the two of, start reconnecting with your wife- spend some quality time together doing things you both enjoy


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I haven't given up, yet. Cant' say that I will or won't. Just thinking about everything right now. Still too early I guess. And you are correct about the OW. I do have feelings of compassion for her. I hurt her too. And it hurts me to not be able to try and fix that. But it's best to stay with no contact.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Sounds like you may still be in love with the OW....your wife seems to be doing surprisingly well..when I found out about my H's EA I hit the roof..it's been two years and I'm still pissed.
The ball is in your court now...You need to decide how you want to approach this...your wife has been hurt and you need to make things right with her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I do still have feelings for her. But are they real, or fake like I have been told? It felt like the same love I had for my wife, I think. I'm trying to get back on track with my wife. I'm struggling with so many conflicting thoughts.

My wife is doing amazing. Her actions are not normal given the past several years of reduced frequency of sex and little passion (both of us on this one). That's why I'm questioning her actions now. 

I'm not trying to be an a-hole, but this is going to sound like it. Am I really loved for who I am, or what I can provide, or both? I don't see the "who I am" part in my mind at this time. Perhaps it there and I can't see it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> you are going through withdrawals similar to that of a drug addict. It is possible to regain the intimacy that once was but not without a plan and that begins with no contact.
> 
> Get the book "Surviving An Affair". It will help understand what you are feeling as well as your wife. But more importantly, it gives you a plan to create the marriage that will be fulfilling to both you and your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please read this again...withdrawals!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've read it several times. 

As for going away on a weekend together to do things we enjoy, we are trying to find things that we both enjoy together. And so far we can't find any that we agree on. Her ideas are boring to me, and my ideas bore her. There have been so many years where we went places together, but did different things. Perhaps we grew apart while we weren't watching. 

I sit and try to think of the things we did when we were much younger, and I can't remember any that sound like a good idea now. I've changed over the years, and so have my interests. So I think we need to find someone new that we haven't done, and that we are both willing to do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

HerToo said:


> I've read it several times.
> 
> As for going away on a weekend together to do things we enjoy, we are trying to find things that we both enjoy together. And so far we can't find any that we agree on. Her ideas are boring to me, and my ideas bore her. There have been so many years where we went places together, but did different things. Perhaps we grew apart while we weren't watching.
> 
> I sit and try to think of the things we did when we were much younger, and I can't remember any that sound like a good idea now. I've changed over the years, and so have my interests. So I think we need to find someone new that we haven't done, and that we are both willing to do.


You have highlighted one of the problems in your marriage and many other marriages - living seperate lives. The thing that caused you to bond at the beginning of your relationship was the fact you two did so many things together. Over time, you, her, or both became complacent and started doing your own things not realizing what it was doing to your marriage. 

You have to do as you stated, find some new, fulfilling endeavors and activities that you both can enjoy. Don't count out doing some of her things and she shouldn't count out doing some of your favorites. It just shouldn't revolve around one or the other. 

You participating in one of her pasttimes and vice versa is a good way to show that you really do care. I'm sure you did things during dating that you generally wouldn't have done simply because you just wanted to be with her. That is actually the same recipe to maintain the relationship.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My emotions and thoughts are all over the map. I can barely function. Other posts I see in the infidelity forum have me thinking all kinds of things. The anger a wife is expressing about just discovering her EA cheating husband, a wife that kicked hers to the curb, questions about ever being able to trust a cheating husband again, talk of the emotional pain a wife is going through. It's all there. And I'm even trying to help them in some way.

I'm so damn lost.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not everyone reacts the same way to infidelity, HerToo. You can't fault her for not lashing out and slashing your tires. Not everyone handles trauma the same way. I can guarantee you though, that your wife is devastated. What she thought her marriage was isn't real. Your affair has shattered her world and everything she thought was true/real. Also, I think you said she caught you, meaning you didn't confess. That is the WORST way for a betrayed person to find out. The WORST. 


Also, her fears about being single & $ issues--are legitimate fears anyone would have if they are facing a divorce.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You are correct, I was caught. Being that I did shatter her (our) world, she wants that world back right now. I know this is going to sound selfish, but I can't just jump to "Hi! I'm back where I was!" mode like she did. That would be fake, and I refuse to act out a lie after telling lies for so long. I want everything to be real, even if it's ugly. I need some time to clear the fog out. Pushing me isn't helping our relationship, nor the ability to me provide the behavior that is going to help at least her heal. Geez...I sound like the victim even though I'm the instigator!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

HerToo, 

I m in your place, married 28yrs, my husband had the affair, wants the marriage back, and I say hey, "I can just jump back..."

...There's not much written out there for us who really question if we should go on or not. 

Anyone who says leaving is easier than staying and working on it, has no idea . 

~sammy


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

We talked quite a bit today. She told me to stop telling her some of the details because she couldn't take it, and to leave that for IC sessions.

I told her that she needs to quit asking me if I love her. It's doesn't help. I told her that I love her, and that I will let her know if I don't. Right now, I need make sure I understand what loves feels like again so that I'm not faking it or living a lie. Then she started talking about all kinds of things that added pressure on me, and she saw it was doing so.

I want my marriage to be one filled with love and passion. And if we can't do that together, I can either accept it and become a roommate or call it over. 

Going through a mid-life crisis at the same time doesn't help the situation. I have to keep working on it.


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