# Almost a year-and still a mess...(long-sorry)



## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

It's been that long and I am still sad and still afraid that it will happen again. We had been married for 23 years when I walked in his office to a locked door. I could hear him putting his pants on and he refused to let me see past the door. He later explained it was just porn and that there was never anyone else. Because I suspected a client that had given him an expensive Christmas gift-he later explained that even though she gave it to him in front of me-the money was really his as he didn't want me to stress over him spending so much money. He didn't think it was a big deal to be so close to another woman they could lie to me. I asked him to fire her as a client-he even showed me the email he sent. He didn't show me the email he sent her to disregard the one he sent me first. While reading that email, I discovered another woman he had months of sexual emails with planned getaways and phone sex. We started counseling-but were not getting anywhere-because I kept asking if there was more-which he denied and was actually angry because I kept asking. About a month into this I find yet another woman with even more graphic emails that he worked with. This woman was also texting and emailing our 19 year old son that also worked there. She sent him numerous emails asking us to go out together with her and her husband. My husband knew she was texting our son and sending him graphic photos of herself as well and did nothing about it! At this point I packed his stuff and put it outside. Our children just couldn't take another night of arguing. This time-he admitted it up front-and admitted to a third woman as well. He still maintains no sexual contact-but the emails name meeting times and dates and he talked about feeling her hands on him and what a chemical pull he had to her. I also found out that there were two other high school friends that he exchanged hundreds of texts and phone calls with each month. By this point he had cleaned his computer so, no idea what type of relationship he had with them. Anyway, we were separated for 2 months-he was diagnosed as bipolar and started taking meds. He had been on cymbalta which is his excuse for the escalated sexual interest in other women. He moved back in and alternately went through horrible anger then depression-which meant no more talking about what had happened. He freely admits there were a lot of deleted emails, but insists no actual contact. So, here I am almost a year later-still feeling sad, wondering if he is still lying, wondering if it could happen again. Every time I get sad-he gets frustrated-how do I get past this-is it normal to still worry about whether he is lying? Since I know he lied about the past its hard not to believe that he isn't lying now. I survived growing up with an abusive, alcoholic mother, the death of my brothers due to cancer-I just can't understand why I can't get past this.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If he did not tell you the truth, if his answers did not make sense and if your gut is telling you something else, then you will never get over it until he comes clean.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't think I need to tell you what you already know. Based on what you describe, his denials are insulting your intelligence. But more than that, they indicate that he is not remorseful.

So, it's not surprising that you find yourself in a false R, and miserable.

If you want out of this limbo, you have to be willing to end your marriage if he doesn't come clean or take a polygraph; if he won't "demonstrate" remorse. It's just that simple - but not that easy, I understand.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

If it ain't better today, it won't be better in 2 and a half more years. Take it from me!!! File and leave this coward. It's a personality flaw that will never be fixed.

IMO (and from real life experience), if you don't feel like the cheater is remorseful in your gut, the very same day that they got busted, they aren't and they never will.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Oh, they'll be sorry. But only sorry that they got caught! Not for what they did and not for who they are!


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Wow-I had not really considered the lies as a lack of remorse. He started off so angry-how dare I accuse him of betrayal-how dare I accuse him of lying? He even swore on the bible and his mother's grave-so convincing until I began to feel guilty. Even with printed emails and phone records-he still denied everything. 

The first woman he justified by saying she lived out of town-so, of course nothing happened. He saw the other woman several times a week in court (he's a lawyer). This is the one that I think he met as there are several emails talking about meeting. He never would admit a physical relationship-even when I said I would forgive him if he just told me the truth. He's angry that I won't say that I believe him-but I can't. I feel that to tell him that-I will be just as naive as I was when all of this was happening. He's such a convincing person-I just don't know what to believe. Did he really have a physical affair? How could he text me how much he loved me and then tell the OW he was going to visit her? He's sorry that this happened and it won't happen again-but didn't he promise me that when we got married? I have access to his email-but I have watched him set up fake email accounts for political purposes. I know he can fool me again-but will he? 

I told him it would be kinder to just leave me than to make me believe in him again if he doesn't mean it. But, I do still love him and with his new meds he is so much kinder-no more angry outbursts. I'd like to believe him-and am once again feeling bad that I am not over this yet. 

I truly appreciate your replies. My friends have no idea what this is like and I have had to cut back on seeing the counselor to save $$


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