# I messed up repeatedly.



## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

This was posted on another sub-forum, but I was sent a message saying I should post it here as it may be more relevant.



This may get long, but it will honestly feel good to get out in the open. 

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and together for over 9. We rushed in to marriage due to a unexpected pregnancy. Small court house wedding with a dinner at a local restaurant afterwards. She had a child from before our relationship and I didn't want to have a child with her as well without being married. After a month of marriage we lost the baby. I was heartbroken, and so was she. I grew up in a abusive home and had little to no control of my anger. After just a year of marriage I caught my wife cheating on me with a man from her work. I actually used this website years ago to help with the situation. I was devastated and I took out all my frustrations on her. Never physically, but I was rude and shut down. There was no conversation. After time I realized that I could forgive and move on so that's what we did. We talked it through, she put forth a ton of effort, and we ended up stronger in the end.

Fast forward to about 3 and a half years ago. We were seriously trying to have another baby. Her child from the previous relationship is my daughter and will be until the day I die. I cherish her. I am her dad and she knows no one else in that role. However, we decided we wanted to add another one. After trying for months and months we finally conceived. Shortly after this, my mother died. My abusive, horrible mother, who regularly insulted my wife and family and never attempted to be a part of our lives. I shouldn't have been so broken up about it, but I was. I changed completely. I isolated myself. I was there physically, but not mentally and emotionally. My wife took care of everything while pregnant. I stopped cherishing her and I broke out relationship pretty much completely. I ignored my wife on her birthday, holidays, and daily. I screwed up badly. I stopped caring about my relationships because I was convinced that I would end up just like my mother anyway, so why try? I would end up being alone, angry, and unloved so why put forth effort. Well, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I let down my best friend and ruined my relationships with my family and in doing so I hurt my children too. 

I guess I was in denial this whole time, because I thought things were getting better. About 4 months ago my wife asked if I was smoking again. I told her no, even though I was. I was embarrassed to admit it to her so I thought I could lie about it. She accidentally found my cigarettes and called me out on it. Instead of being a man of conviction I got mad and when she walked by me while I was trying to talk to her I moved in front of her with my leg and shoved her into the doorway. I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Since then our marriage is basically nonexistent. We have times in which we talk or spend time together, but it isn't the same. She's repeatedly asked for a divorce, only to take it back the next day after saying she loves me but isn't in love with me. She says I am incapable of change and she is just sitting back watching me fail in trying to repair the marriage that I broke. I am at a loss. I don't know how to fix this. I'm a Christian, and regularly attend church and read the bible, but I don't know where to go from here. I need help, but I don't know what to do. My wife isn't happy and it's my fault. I'm failing my best friend, but at this point I don't even know her anymore. She says she doesn't know me anymore either and that she doesn't know how we're supposed to repair a marriage when we aren't even friends anymore. She's right, but I don't want this to end. I love her and I want to be with her. We have two children to raise, but what if she's right? What if I can't change and end up destroying the little bit of our relationship we have left?

What do I do?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Have you considered therapy, both individual (to deal with your Foo issues) and marital?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

Yes, we've talked about it but it isn't on the table right now. We've done the whole "therapy thing" and it doesn't ever work for us. The one thing that has worked in the past is just talking openly with each other and finding the common ground. I am willing, but completely oblivious as to what to say. My wife isn't willing but has lots to say. She openly has admitted that right now she feels like she just wants to find a way to make me feel the hurt she has felt for that past several years. She says she hates it because that isn't who she is, but that is who she is becoming.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Agree with @Lila and whether or not you've considered therapy? Looking back on your past threads it seems that,though you recognize all of the negative things in your life,you haven't really done anything about them to bring some positive change to yourself. Your wife has shown,by all you've written here since 2011,that she is not to be trusted. You want help,but you continued to basically rug sweep at her whim while allowing and accepting the blame too often for her shortcomings and betrayals. You really need to find yourself my friend and what you want to define you at your core. Bad experiences don't have to shape our lives when we act to do something about them. Time for you to act and just remember that love doesn't conquer all. Take care.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

No, I haven't done much to change myself, and that's the problem. I have absolutely no friends outside of my wife. I have no hobbies, no desire to get a hobby, and I am a very boring person. I think this is why I failed so badly in my marriage. I relied too heavily on my wife. She was my everything and I took her for granted. I didn't prioritize her feelings and I stopped being in love with her myself. I was in love with idea of being married and I loved having her around. Now that I'm truly trying to show my love to her she is done and over with it and I can't blame her. We have had absolutely no issues with infidelity since that time several years ago. I have moved on from it and completely forgiven her. The problem now though is that I have no identity outside of my marriage and fatherhood, but my wife is a much more interesting and normal person. She has moved past me and I am envious. She has grown and I've stayed stale.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

InsecureSecurity said:


> Yes, we've talked about it but it isn't on the table right now. We've done the whole "therapy thing" and it doesn't ever work for us. The one thing that has worked in the past is just talking openly with each other and finding the common ground. I am willing, but completely oblivious as to what to say. My wife isn't willing but has lots to say. She openly has admitted that right now she feels like she just wants to find a way to make me feel the hurt she has felt for that past several years. She says she hates it because that isn't who she is, but that is who she is becoming.


Soooo...I have a strange suggestion, but if your wife has a lot to say, have you ever considered just letting her say what she has to say and taking it like a man? I'm not saying this like judgment but rather maybe it would be good for her to get it off her chest! To me, it sounds like she has built and Built and BUILT resentment, and if she can't be honest with you about, all she does is store it up! What if you gave her a safe place to release it AND just come to the meeting knowing you are going to hear some hard things (some true!). 

Here's the thing. You are a Christian. In Christ, you are a new creation, so this is not just "you" trying to change--you have the power of God to help you! So you ask if you can do it? Well no--YOU can't and see how that's worked out for ya? But GOD can and I'm not trying to be a mystic here. As a husband, God has told you to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. Think about that a minute: how did Christ love the Church? What did He do? How did He act? What was His commitment? Was it all a bunch of "feelings" or did Christ do things that were LOVING even though they were hurtful to Him? Did He think "I deserve better"? Did He give up when we were sinners? What was He willing to give? How far was He willing to go? See, our marriages are supposed to be a model of that. Husbands model Christ and wives model His Bride, the Church. 

So instead of waiting around and wondering if you can change, how about if you recognize that you have wounded your wife DEEPLY and give her the place where she can come to you, as if you were an old college friend, and really tell you her heart? How about if you put up half a way so you aren't utterly devastated by what you hear and how she says it, but by the same token so that some of the truth really gets through to you and you can put yourself in her shoes and really empathize with what it's been like for her? Okay...all the ranting and raving and name calling might be the part your wall filters out and toughens up so it doesn't "hear" that--but the true parts, the hurt, the understanding, the damage, the distress, the acknowledgment and not "defending" but listening...THAT need to get through and be heard. 

Make sense?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

You need to get into therapy for just you asap. You sound like you had a hard life and have been troubled for a while. Until you fix yourself and deal with these issues your marriage is never going to succeed. If you are not willing to fix yourself and you say you love your wife, let her go. Do you want your kids to grown up in a household where mom and dad fight all the time.

You can become a better person and the man your wife and children need, get into therapy, anger managment, talk to your Dr if you are feeling depressed. Change is hard, but worth it. Focus on yourself for now, and when you are feeling better, than focus on the marriage. Things can get better for you if you try.

All the best


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why didn't therapy work? How long did you try? Did you both go?


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

Affaircare - Yes, it makes perfect sense. I do try to listen as much as possible. The issue has been in our marriage though that when she has talked to me I don't respond appropriately. I either shut down because I don't know what to say, or I end up jamming my foot in my mouth and making things significantly worse. How can I avoid that?

Daisy12 - I know I can be better, but going to therapy to talk about my issues doesn't seem like something I should be doing right now. My wife is the one hurting, so how can I justify spending the time and money on something for myself over doing something for my wife?

Chris Taylor - Therapy didn't work because it was basically speaking about things we were already discussing. Nothing new ever came out in therapy. We would go, talk for an hour about the same things we've been discussing for a week, pay, and then leave to only come back the next week and do it all over again. What should I expect from a therapist? I don't have a lot of experience with therapy, but maybe this was just a bad one?


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

We're both at work right now and have been conversing through email all morning. This is what I get from her:

"I really believe that it is over. This has been a reoccurring conversation. I don't think that you and I can be in love again."


After 8 years together, 2 kids, moving to new state, multiple family deaths, a affair, and countless other headaches I may have ended my relationship with the only woman I've ever loved because I was too much of a idiot to cherish what I had and put her first.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm not sure what to tell you that hasn't been mentioned yet, but just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for what you're going through. 



InsecureSecurity said:


> We're both at work right now and have been conversing through email all morning. This is what I get from her:
> 
> "I really believe that it is over. This has been a reoccurring conversation. I don't think that you and I can be in love again."
> 
> ...


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

InsecureSecurity said:


> Daisy12 - I know I can be better, but going to therapy to talk about my issues doesn't seem like something I should be doing right now. My wife is the one hurting, *so how can I justify spending the time and money on something for myself over doing something for my wife?*


The therapy would be for you. It would also benefit your wife greatly.

~ Passio


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You forgave her for cheating, but she can't forgive you for the break down you went through. 

Yes you were all those things but was it intentional? 

It is apparent she has never felt for you what tou feel for her.

This is the way I would push the conversation. You had a breakdown and need help getting back up. Start working on yourself and go from there. If she can't forgive your actions during this time after what you had forgiven her, is she worth fighting for.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Email and text should be for logistics only. 

Talking in person is for deciding your futures. 

Come on.... Talk with one another!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You married your mother.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

Satya said:


> Email and text should be for logistics only.
> 
> Talking in person is for deciding your futures.
> 
> Come on.... Talk with one another!



I'm trying to! I spent all night trying to talk with her and was repeatedly shot down. We tucked the kids in to bed and proceeded to sit in the living room while she worked on the computer. I attempted conversation over and over again and was met with either no response, "I don't want to talk," or outright asking me what I thought it would accomplish. She ended up going to bed and I spent the next hour standing in the bedroom trying to talk to her again. She finally told me that she was done completely, she would never love me again, and that she was filling out the divorce paperwork on the computer earlier and would have it ready today. I don't want to give up. I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't even know if I have a wife to lose at this point. I think I lost her years ago and she was just hanging on until she finally felt ready to tell me she was done. I hurt her so much and I just want to make the hurt go away. I feel so lost...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

InsecureSecurity said:


> Chris Taylor - Therapy didn't work because it was basically speaking about things we were already discussing. Nothing new ever came out in therapy. We would go, talk for an hour about the same things we've been discussing for a week, pay, and then leave to only come back the next week and do it all over again. What should I expect from a therapist? I don't have a lot of experience with therapy, but maybe this was just a bad one?


Go back to therapy.

Go with a list of issues, what you want the results to be and when you want to see those results.

Share them with the therapist and be prepared to make a few realistic changes to the lists.

Then re-start therapy, occasionally going back over the lists to make sure the therapy is on track.

I went through two marriage counselors and a therapist (all three just viewed me as billable hours) before I did the above and it worked out pretty well.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JohnA said:


> You married your mother.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You cannot pick blood but you can pick friends, GF, wife. You can have a great marriage but not with her. Go for it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Everything that has happened between you and your wife since you shut down has more than likely put your wife's emotions towards you in a tense, at-bay, we can exit together and she is probably more focused on the kids now. The tripping incident more than likely made her step back further. Imagine an empty door jam in your head.....when your wife was not being acknowledged and ignored she emotionally started moving from the living room to the door that leads outside. With every hurtful thing she felt she kept moving closer to that door. She might be struggling too as she might not want to leave either, like she says she loves you. Some of these hurts are repairable but they take effort on both parties. On her side though she doesn't know if she can keep loving someone who is not loving towards her and there could easily be trust issues with the tripping incident. My question and something for you to think about is how far out that door is your wife emotionally? If she has set foot outside the door it will be very difficult to get her back. She may waver a little, stepping one foot out and back in but once she decides she is done, she is done. My counselor told me that once women have been emotionally hurt to a point that they have exited the marriage even though they remain married it is very hard for women to come back to the marriage. We build up walls to protect us and put our focus elsewhere.

Counseling for yourself should be top priority no matter what. You can see what has happened and you deserve recognition for that. Now it is a matter of changing your reactions and how you view life and treat others.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

JohnA - Why do you think I married my mother? Not sure what you mean. She is nothing like her. 

AVR1962 - I see what you're saying. Right now I truly believe she has completely removed herself emotionally from the marriage. Last night after spending hours standing in the doorway of the bedroom trying to talk to her she finally told me she would speak when we were at the courthouse. That's all she has said. I ended up sleeping on the floor of the bedroom just to be near her last night. I'm completely broken inside, and if this is how my wife has felt for the past several years I don't blame her one bit for wanting to leave. 

I've reached out to my church to see if they have a counselor I could speak with. I'll update with more information when I have some.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When a woman falls out of love because of neglect, it is _sometimes_ possible to win that love back. But ONLY if you are willing to literally devote your life to consistent, daily, long-term change in the way you do everything. She would have to see that there IS a new you, one who is learning, vulnerable, humble, and open to whatever she's going through. She needs to see real action from you. You sound like a whiner, no offense - all moaning and no action to change it. 

So if I were you, I would (1) buy the book His Needs Her Needs and start reading it daily. Share with her what you're learning in the book, each day. Share your feelings about what you're learning. As well as what you're going to DO with that new knowledge. Once you finish, ask her to fill out the questionnaires.

I would (2) find a good marriage therapist, one with lots of good reviews, make an appointment, and beg her to come with you. Go even if she won't, and ask the therapist to give you concrete steps to take to start changing your attitude and anger and refusal to be vulnerable. Share with your wife what you're learning in it; let her see you putting it into action.

I would (3) try to find little ways to spend time with your wife - a cup of coffee, whatever. Let her see you as a human again.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

I get what you're saying turnera. It's easy for me to whine on here than to face the truth that I severely hurt my wife and that I need to find a way to save my marriage. Thank you. I looked at the book last night and it definitely seems like something I could use. I have it on hold at the library and will be picking it up tonight after work. 

Yesterday I spoke with my Pastor for guidance. He advised me to write my wife a letter and put all my feelings and thoughts onto it since she was refusing to speak with me. I did just that and told her that she could read it whenever she felt like it and if she wanted to talk I'd be there. I left her alone after that. She read the letter and proceeded to email me while I was sitting on the couch in the other room. Not exactly A+ communication, but it was more than I've gotten from her in a while. She basically said that while I initiated a lot of her feelings, it's more than that. She says that she completely broken and dead inside and that it's because of yes, me, but also because of work, friends and other family. She feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore and doesn't know how to crawl out of the hole she is in. 

She also said, and I quote, " I understand that in your mind, you are going to accept full responsibility for all of this, and a good majority of it has to do with you and all of the thought/emotions that you have stirred up in me, however, it is not all you. There are other factors that play into this. 
I am sorry that I am not better. I am sorry that I can't do more. I am sorry that I was not stronger." 

So I ended up going to the bedroom and sitting with her. I tried initiating a conversation but she told me that she didn't have the energy right now to talk and just wanted to relax and eat. I went and got us some food and came back. We ate together and watched TV. We laughed a bit together which was nice. She finally rolled over to go to sleep and I ended up holding her all night. I know that there is a lot more work that needs to be done, but at least it's a start. I'm not going to give up on this and I'm going to fight like hell for my marriage.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

My wife sent me divorce paperwork in my email this morning. It's over. I failed completely. Thank to everyone for their help, but I lost this battle a long time ago it seems.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What did you get out of reading the book?


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

That while my "love bank" has been high for a long time because of what she has done for me, her bank dried up a long time ago. I kept making "withdrawals" from her without putting more in. I drained her emotionally and mentally and now there is nothing left. I tried to get her to read the book with me, but that was a no go.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

It also explained the affair earlier in our marriage really well. The example was almost exactly like us, except with the genders reversed. She was in school full time, I was working, and she felt neglected. It's the same now, but 10 times worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, at least you'll understand how to make it work in your next relationship.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Perhaps divorcing her is for the best, after all she cheated on you. I know it's hard to realize the marriage is not going to work however much you might want it to.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> Perhaps divorcing her is for the best, after all she cheated on you. I know it's hard to realize the marriage is not going to work however much you might want it to.


I forgave her for that years ago. That hasn't been an issue for years. I would never hold that against her after this long together.


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