# tough spot



## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

I am married. We got married after my son was born in 2004. I now have 4 children, ages 8, 4, 2, and 2 months. We had been dating since 2001. I had an affair in 2009. It blewup in 2010 after it was already over. The woman got divorced and started dating someone else. I am still married. My wife has not wanted me since it happened. I'm not sure she wanted me before. It felt like we both got married because of the first child. I believe she had a retaliatory affair in 2010-2011 but did not have proof. We fight and bicker constantly. She can't forgive me and can't move on. I also don't trust her. I have wanted to reform and try to make things work out, go to marriage counseling, etc. She has not been willing. I have not been able to concentrate at work. Recently, I've been having contact with the woman from 2009, although I have otherwise been faithful. She had always shown me more love and appreciation, and I believe I still love her. She has her own issues also, though, baggage and a history of unfaithfulness. I have been craving affection since my wife has been rejecting me in anger since 2010. I think I could grow to love my wife again, but she has rejected me a lot. My wife has now gone to see a lawyer and tells me to just move on. It seems insane to me to get divorced with four kids, a 2 month old. We also take care of her 76 year old mother and nephew. But if my wife is going to leave me, I want to be with the woman potentially. I would have preferred to work things out with my wife, for the kids sake. Finances are also an issue. I am making much less $ this year, we are short selling our house. Maybe I should cut my losses if this marriage is not going to work out? We both seem to be looking for excuses, or an escape and to be able to blame the other. Not sure what to do now. ​


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

qwerqwer said:


> Maybe I should cut my losses if this marriage is not going to work out? We both seem to be looking for excuses, or an escape and to be able to blame the other. Not sure what to do now.


Accept the reality of the situation. If your marriage had serious issues before your affair, your betrayal was the stake you drove through its heart. Time to move on.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That sounds like an awful environment to raise kids in 

You could make one last try to save your marriage, but it sounds like that might just be a waste of time. 

It also doesn't sound like you are really that 'into' the other woman. If you want to pursue another relationship for the long term, don't do it with her.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If she's telling you she won't put forth the effort to try to save the marriage and that she's going to an attorney she's telling you that she is done. 

But so are you. 

Contact with someone you previously had an affair with is cheating. Maybe she knows you've been in contact and that's what pushed her over the edge? Maybe you imagined the revenge affair to justify reestablishing contact with the OW? Maybe not?

Honestly I hear you when you say you want to make things work - but I think you're only saying that because you feel like you have to. Like saying that will let you tell yourself you did everything you could and the fact that if failed isn't your fault. Your actions don't reflect that a desire to make it work - they reflect a desire to be with the OW. 

I suspect you're right - that you both got married because of the first child - marriage only for a child is never a good idea. If that's all there ever was move on and both of you get on with your lives and do the best jobs you can for your children.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

So your ex affair partner is your back up plan that you may "love" even though you're trying to work things out with your wife?

I know you have young kids and that is tough to leave but if you *think* you love someone else. You dont love your wife. 

Some people never get over infidelity. Sounds like she would like to move on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop showing your kids a poor examble of a unhealthy marriage. I have a feeling your wife brings out the worst in you (and you in her) and you just might be better parents (not that your a bad one) if you do divorce.

Sure D can be just as hard as R, but who knows maybe the finality of a D might bring your W around to make a change and you both work on the M. If there is any reform in the marriage it has to be done by both of you, and its not. Sorry but get the ball rolling with the divorce and maybe, just maybe the both of you can turn a corner here before the D is finalized and it can be withdrawn.

The chances may be slim but living in this limbo is got to be hell on the kids...not that D will be any easier for them but it may be the step need to at least refom the both of you as parents.


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## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

All of the above feels true. Where can I get good advice about how to move on? I'm pretty nervous. I agree that I don't think I should start anything with the other woman, at least not right away. I've done a lot of damage to both women and I'm not sure of any of my feelings at this point. I do feel very bad for the kids. It seems crazy to have so many young kids and get divorced. I would like to have tried harder, I feel like I could have made it, as I has worked through some major issues. However, I was still empty inside and seeking attention where I shouldn't have. So maybe that was the biggest issue of all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, if you D and don't make one last try to make it work, will that bother you in 5 or 10 years?

As for advice, a lawyer is the place to start. You're going to need one eventually anyway.

Your kids will probably be better with the toxic relationship between their parents ended. I know mine were. They were 4 yrs, 2yrs and 4mos when I left their father. Ideally, the two of you will continue to co parent amicably. Strive for that and ask your wife to as well.


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## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

Yes, it would bother me, but I've been trying for 3 years, and its still toxic. She has no interest in improving, and we're both exhausted. We went to marriage retreat month ago, we emerge and say "well, did you learn anything?" Following day, she said she doesn'tlove me. Doesn't want to be touched. Says we will never have sex again. Saw a lawyer last summer, know my rights and costs - pretty ugly. Don't want us both to go to poor house or kids to be hungry. We're struggling even before. I'll definitely plan to coparent amicably.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has anyone sat down and explained to her what life after divorce is going to be like for her. Four kids, (little ones) two house holds, no money to speak of. Poverty.

Both of you need to be slapped silly. Troubled marriage for three years, affair blew up in 2010 but you have a 2 month old. How do you explain that?


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## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

I agree. I want someone to slap us both. We've both been selfish children for the whole marriage. I don't think she has any idea. I know I don't. I'm sure her lawyer just hopes for litigation, no mention of resolution. I can't imagine taking care of a 2 year old and an infant all weekend long, plus entertain the older ones. The idea makes me want to run for the hills. I'll have to ask my parents to live with me, or get remarried very quick. She has her 76 year old mom, but her health is failing. I assume she thinks she'll move in with her extended family and they'll help. None of it makes sense. She's operating on anger and hatred. I'm operating on fear and anxiety. I tried to up my life insurance, but I think I'm probably worth more working in the long term. I assume the 2 year old and 2 month old came about from mutual overcompensation and lack of trust.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

morituri said:


> Accept the reality of the situation. If your marriage had serious issues before your affair, your betrayal was the stake you drove through its heart. Time to move on.


Accepting blame is a sign of maturation. Placing blame is a symptom of denial! Am I right or wrong?


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## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

Yes, I accept blame and will move on, nothing left to gain or try, that's life


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

qwerqwer said:


> All of the above feels true. Where can I get good advice about how to move on? I'm pretty nervous. I agree that I don't think I should start anything with the other woman, at least not right away. I've done a lot of damage to both women and I'm not sure of any of my feelings at this point. I do feel very bad for the kids. It seems crazy to have so many young kids and get divorced. I would like to have tried harder, I feel like I could have made it, as I has worked through some major issues. However, I was still empty inside and seeking attention where I shouldn't have. So maybe that was the biggest issue of all.


Nah, if you wanted to make your marriage work you would never have cheated. Deep down, you wanted out.
And , that is fine.Too bad you were to cowardly to do it honorably.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I almost think you two deserve each other. But the kids deserve so much more. For once you two need to put them first, whatever that means, D, R whatever. but get on with it and get some help.


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## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

Yup too cowardly, but now I'm not, and we can both deal with the ramifications. Because that's what's best for the kids, right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

qwerqwer;753793 We fight and bicker constantly. She can't forgive me and can't move on. I also don't trust her. My wife has now gone to see a lawyer and tells me to just move on. We also take care of her 76 year old mother and nephew.[/QUOTE said:


> I know the kids are a factor but they are still your kids whether you decide to continue to live in hell or make for the escape hatch. You've been given an opportunity few have. You know what you need to do to avoid continuously having the life suck out of you.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

qwerqwer said:


> I agree. I want someone to slap us both. We've both been selfish children for the whole marriage. I don't think she has any idea. I know I don't. I'm sure her lawyer just hopes for litigation, no mention of resolution. I can't imagine taking care of a 2 year old and an infant all weekend long, plus entertain the older ones. The idea makes me want to run for the hills. I'll have to ask my parents to live with me, or get remarried very quick. She has her 76 year old mom, but her health is failing. I assume she thinks she'll move in with her extended family and they'll help. None of it makes sense. She's operating on anger and hatred. I'm operating on fear and anxiety. I tried to up my life insurance, but I think I'm probably worth more working in the long term. I assume the 2 year old and 2 month old came about from mutual overcompensation and lack of trust.


You have never really been dedicated to this marriage or this woman, and she knows it! No wonder she feels anger and hatred. If you really want to try to save your marriage, you have to get off the fence and honestly work with her to save your family. You have been at arms length when she needed you to show involvement. I think a lot of the aspects of a committed marriage make you " want to run for the hills". You may have missed your window of opportunity while standing around watching your fingernails grow, but whatever you do don't go after a skank who will cheat with a married man.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

qwerqwer said:


> I agree. I want someone to slap us both. We've both been selfish children for the whole marriage. I don't think she has any idea. I know I don't. I'm sure her lawyer just hopes for litigation, no mention of resolution. I can't imagine taking care of a 2 year old and an infant all weekend long, plus entertain the older ones. The idea makes me want to run for the hills. I'll have to ask my parents to live with me, *or get remarried very quick*. She has her 76 year old mom, but her health is failing. I assume she thinks she'll move in with her extended family and they'll help. None of it makes sense. She's operating on anger and hatred. I'm operating on fear and anxiety. I tried to up my life insurance, but I think I'm probably worth more working in the long term. I assume the 2 year old and 2 month old came about from mutual overcompensation and lack of trust.


Don't do this. I know guys that have remarried after a divorce just to have someone else help with their expenses. You've already ruined one marriage. Don't ruin another one with this kind of deception.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

qwerqwer said:


> Yup too cowardly, but now I'm not, and we can both deal with the ramifications. Because that's what's best for the kids, right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The kids really had no choice in the matter, did they? You cheated on your whole family.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Don't do this. I know guys that have remarried after a divorce just to have someone else help with their expenses. You've already ruined one marriage. Don't ruin another one with this kind of deception.


I absolutely agree with this.

So you would want to get remarried real quick so that you don't have the responsibility of looking after your children on your own and get some poor other woman to help you?

You sound like my stbxh. The only time he will help me more with the children is when his mum is around.

Well sorry, but if you are going to be unfaithful you have to suffer the consequences of a possible divorce and that includes looking after the children on your own, without the first willing woman who comes along.

You know, your wife may find it tough looking after the four children and her mum without you around. But then again, she might even find it easier - at least she won't have to worry about making a failing marriage work as well as all her other responsibilities.

Jen


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