# Ever change your mind about R?



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Has anyone here went into R and just could'nt do it after a few months?
Have you thought about giving up the R but stuck with it and glad you did?
Just wondering,thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

I think calvin that it depends on what you see coming from the other person. I personally right now after a few months that there's times where I think "**** this ****" How could you. I can live better than this, and then I realize that I don't want to share my life with someone else, because this was the person I wanted to grow old with. So long as she's moving forward and growing from her mistake I am willing to grow with this experience too. If she puts the brakes on and learns nothing, then I will just shut off completely, Ice it, and move on. I AM glad that things are going well though. I really want this person to be the person I grow old with, and I DO think she's learned a great lesson.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm not in R but had always said I would if given the chance with the right conditions. Now I'm thinking that I may not want to under any circumstances.


----------



## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

How about a few weeks? Realized the WW was just trying to clear her conscience. I bailed.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

That sucked


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Hang in there Calvin, the wounds are still raw.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I think your willingness to continue with the R should be dictated by your WS's willingness to do a HUGE part of the heavy-lifting to repair/rebuild your relationship. If you are making all the suggestions, coming up with all the ideas, reading all the books, etc., I would be very cautious.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I was like this at first,she's gotten way better at those things,bugs me she needed a push on some of them.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

For the 1st 6 to 8 mos I would change my mind every 10 min.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I didn't decide I wanted to R until after the 8 month mark, after observing all her actions, doing the heavy lifting, and verification of NC. I almost changed my mind about R last April due to the TT that I shouldn't have dug up, but have since decided to continue it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

calvin said:


> I was like this at first,she's gotten way better at those things,bugs me she needed a push on some of them.


Its not all going to be wine and roses C. Its going to be up, down, side ways and backwards for the next three years or so. The first time my ex cheated she had been scr*wing OM1 for well over a month, just about every weekday. It took two years for the mind movies to fade and another year after that before I stopped triggering. After about year four it was pretty much smoothed out and behind us. 

Well, that is until this last January.


----------



## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm a year out (not really due to trickle truth, but I can't keep track of all these dates). I'm a just a tiny nudge away from bailing on R and initiating D. If things are the same in a few short weeks, I'm doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thats funny! Makes me laugh.Guess its true but deep down it feels right,wish some of the fvcking little bastard doubts in the back of my head would leave


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> Thats funny! Makes me laugh.Guess its true but deep down it feels right,wish some of the fvcking little bastard doubts in the back of my head would leave


If it were easy they wouldn't call it recovery.....they would call happy fun please wipe my brain clean time. LOL


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yeah,sorry man and you had it a lot f ing worse.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

That sucks


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Calvin -- anything good in your life is worth fighting for. Some days you will take 3 steps forward, other days 2 steps forward and 1 step back. The key is not to take more steps back then forward.

*Christ you love your wife !!*


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

In the beginning I went back and forth alot. Then once NC happened things smoothed out. Now the doubt is creeping backin here and there. I think its just the normal ebb and flow of R though so Im trying to just keep pushing along. Hang in there Calvin. Its all we can do, right? That or D.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> In the beginning I went back and forth alot. Then once NC happened things smoothed out. Now the doubt is creeping backin here and there. I think its just the normal ebb and flow of R though so Im trying to just keep pushing along. Hang in there Calvin. Its all we can do, right? That or D.


Yeah,we can try,try hard enough and you'll find success.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> Yeah,we can try,try hard enough and you'll find success.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats what Im hoping.


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Thats what Im hoping.


me too.


----------



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

I am 5 months since husband told me everything; had some really awful times and to be honest very very low times mentally but it does seem to be getting better.

Your WS needs to continue to prove their remorse/commitment to you and your marriage - I needed and still need quite a bit of reassurance and evidence that he is remorseful, don't be afraid to say what you want. Something that I have found useful is trying to write down at the end of each day how I have felt, because when you have a bad day it feels like there are never any good ones and re-reading over the past few weeks makes me see that the good days are there too!

Be strong, take care.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

She's can't stand what she did and how she pinning for this loser,someone bums would look down on,she's remorseful and often hates herself for chasing this low life but the feeling of being the fallback guy won't leave,I'm the safety net.
I still cant believe she put everything in jeopordy for someone who would have used her and then dump her after he got what she wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it's why they call it reconciliation

you have to reconcile lots of things, including your own feelings and thoughts


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> it's why they call it reconciliation
> 
> you have to reconcile lots of things, including your own feelings and thoughts


Yeah,hate this back and forth crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

snippet from my story



Almostrecovered said:


> While we certainly were starting to make great strides to reconciliation, healing and recovery during this period, we also had our biggest fall backs during this time period.
> 
> Looking back, I now view recovery from trauma as non-linear. In other words, imagine one of those line graphs that looks like a mountain range.
> 
> ...


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

We are 5 months separated. 9 months out of Dday's..

My only interest is between "showing" remorse, and actually "feeling" remorse? 
H is showing NC.... but so far that's not enough for me to move forward.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

calvin said:


> Has anyone here went into R and just could'nt do it after a few months?
> Have you thought about giving up the R but stuck with it and glad you did?
> Just wondering,thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought we were having a good reconciliation for about five months after DDay, then I found out he was going to men's clubs. 

Normally a few trips a year to one of these places would not bother me.

Although he always insisted he never went to those types of places, and that's one of the things I liked about him. 

The deal breaker was the fact that he did it, hid it and lied when caught, right in the middle of a supposed good reconciliation and why I filed for Divorce. 

Also, I found out that he was addicted to porn and that was something else I never suspected and he always claimed he was not interested and preferred the real thing.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Cant believe this is so hard sometimes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Maybe you and Can'tSitStill should consider taking a hiatus from the forums just like Beowulf and Morrigan did.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Maybe you and Can'tSitStill should consider taking a hiatus from the forums just like Beowulf and Morrigan did.


:iagree:

There comes a point in your healing when reading the forums triggers you to the point that it damages R. You can come back when you've healed enough where you don't trigger and can read the forums without getting angry all the time.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> Maybe you and Can'tSitStill should consider taking a hiatus from the forums just like Beowulf and Morrigan did.


Can't sit Still:

There is a board where people discuss reconciliation.

It might be best for you to visit that board. 

I lurked on that board and avoided this during my attempted reconciliation. And those stories at least helped ME continue with reconciliation at that time.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

This site is a blessing and a curse,I recieved lot of support and got really good advise,it can also trigger the hell out of you.
Being at work is a trigger,the railings I learned over and puked all the time,the machinery that almost killed me cause I was so f ed up in the head,all the texting I did from my job station,might have to bid on another mill to work on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ShuttleDIK (Oct 18, 2010)

Yep, this is the thread I'm feeling today.

I vacillate almost hourly. It really doesn't help my growth process at all. Any of the gains I make in confidence, weight loss, etc. seem to go out the window.

Her sweeping is really aggravating as well. I owned my part in this from the git-go (have I really?) - she expresses fault, but then wants it all to go away. It can't. It's the freaking gorilla in the room. My kids sense it. It's awful.

And I want to be with my children. If I 'focus on me', then I'm not with them. And if I back off emotionally from my wife, then I'm the bad guy. F that.

Sooo freakin' unfair.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I knew I wanted R right away. I am a competitive bast*rd, and I wanted to win. There were two points when I thought about pulling the plug on R. Got through them. Doing well right this second, 13 months later. But I count no chickens.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Calvin I'm just getting to the point where I can come back to this part of the forum. I had to stay away for a while because I would get pissed reading some of the threads. When I would get that way I would in turn take it out on pidge. It wasn't helping, holding on to the pain and using these stories to relive it daily.


----------

