# Nearing rope's end



## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. 1 yr old is @&$$&@&$ ... Won't sleep at night and whines
ALL day . 
Wife is unappreciative and hasn't slept w me in about a month. 
Stress level is sky high. Wish I could explain all the frustrations but
there are way too many. 
I don't know what to do anymore .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

1 y/o is very young and not too many babies sleep through the night at that time....give it time. 

She is probably as stressed as you are right now. Have you tried talking to her or many just some nonsexual cuddling or massage?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I remember those days.... my second would breast feed every 2 hours and then around 7 months... she started with ear infections one after another after another.... I sometimes would sleep hanging over the edge of her crib bc I had to sleep train her eevery time she started antibiotic and got rid of ear infection... my sleep training didnt involve leaving her to scream it out but to learn how to sleep by herself again with my hand on her back for a while and let her get herself comfortable... I then slept in the glider... fortunately, ex husband and I only had sex to procreate so that wasnt an issue, but if that happened now... I would be darn right frustrated. I think the advice above is good... this too will pass. It sucks, but it will pass. What will be remembered is how you treat your wife during this time... remember if you are frustrated at her time and focus being elsewhere, she will pick up on it and remember it and resent you for a long time = no sex. When she comes back to bed stroke her arm and say its amazing that she is able to do this highly difficult job. Tell her that you appreciate all she does for the baby you made together and hug her alot, just hug. If she is stand offish, she may be resntful of how demanding the baby is but not aware that the frustration is at her wonderful new baby... hormones or something make it impossible for many women to direct frustration at the baby... usually gets directed at the spouse. Just hang in and stay loving and soft and supportive. WHat you need to do may sound sucky, but believe me, it is equally as sucky to not sleep at all bc of a whiny baby that you have to take care of 24/7... no break time!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Meriter, you complain about the crying, whining baby and then complain your wife is unappreciative. Please explain.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Neither of my boys slept thru the night at one year old. It happens when it happens. Honestly, if you are conveying these feelings to your W about your child, her desire for you will go out the window. I'm surious as to what ways your wife is unappreciative...


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

toolate said:


> When she comes back to bed stroke her arm and say its amazing that she is able to do this highly difficult job. Tell her that you appreciate all she does for the baby you made together and hug her alot, just hug. If she is stand offish, she may be resntful of how demanding the baby is...


Everyone assumes that it is the WOMAN who stays up all night with the baby. Actually, I would be the one coming back to bed, not her. I am the stay at home dad. I stay up all night with the baby


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Neither of my boys slept thru the night at one year old. It happens when it happens. Honestly, if you are conveying these feelings to your W about your child, her desire for you will go out the window. I'm surious as to what ways your wife is unappreciative...



the closest thing to appreciation that i can remember is overhearing my wife talk to her mom on the phone recently and she said: i get fed up with the baby after being home a few minutes and (me) has to put up with her ALL DAY.

So she shares my feelings about the baby. she is difficult. case closed.

Also, if you read past posts, you will see other examples (if you really want).


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I just find it sad that she's fed up with the baby. As for the SAHD thing...my H is a SAHD too, but it sounds like we have a more equal divison of responsibilities. I was the one that got up with the kids at night..still do, if they need me. When I get home, he gets down time...does she give you down time? Also, if he tells me he needs some time to get away...he goes for a drive, or whatever. Do you two agree on parenting styles? I'm asking because if you don't, you gotta find a way to meet in the middle, otherwise its just going to get worse. 
As for your daughter being difficult...other than the sleeping through the night not happening (which honestly, did not happen for either of my boys till about 18 months)...what is it about her behavior that makes her so frustrating? If you give some examples past whining I might be able to help. 
Last question---how connected do you feel your W is to your daughter? How connected do YOU feel to your daughter? Parenting is not easy....it just sounds like you guys are working against each other rather than together....and no, I am not blaming you.


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

Well, since you asked... We don't agree on much when it comes to the kids. She wants to baby them (thus the sleeping problems now). She insisted on the baby being in our bed early on and now I'm left to deal with the results of that.

Our pediatrician told us to let her cry it out until she falls asleep, but the wife won't allow that. I do it during the day for naps while she's at work, but i only let her cry 10 - 15 mins then i go in and sit by her and she usually falls asleep.

I cant do that when W is home because she won't allow it. 
She also won't stay up with her though.

The other big problem with the baby is just screaming in general. Screaming when she can't reach something she wants..screaming when she wants to be picked up...screaming when she wants to be put down... 
there is no gradual progression to screaming either. it's just 0-screaming in no time.
We have other kids and we've certainly watched many more and know this isn't exactly normal behavior. It's just too much screaming.

I can accomplish NOTHING during the day. Her naps now are never more than a half hour at a time. She always finds a way to wake herself up. When she wakes up I'm thinking NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO here we go again... 

I really try to ignore it because I know giving her what she wants while she is screaming will only enforce it, but the same thing day after day is driving me up the wall.

As far as down time... not really. She tries (sort of) to divert the baby away from me when she gets home, but the baby isn't having it. She wants me me me or she's screaming. 

I realize eventually she will grow out of all of this, but in the meantime I am going absolutely crazy. ...and it doesnt help AT ALL that I have no sexual release with my wife... only more frustration there. 
It's to the point now where if she tries to start something I know it is only because i've been upset about it and i will reject her. so no one can win at this point.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay a couple quick ideas from a mom of seven:

I had one daughter who did this, and in her instance part of it was that she was a premie and she had really weak lungs, so when it was driving me NUTS I took her to the doc and he said she was just exercising her lungs. And being a mom of almost a baseball team, I have known a LOT of kids and for some reason kids between the ages of 1 and 2 sometimes just try this--SCREAMING nonstop at the top of their lungs. 

I tried kind of a combination of things. 

First, I do check to be sure their basic human needs are met: dry diaper, aren't hungry, don't have a fever or an injury...you get the drift right? If it seems their basic needs are met then I go to the next thing. 

So next I'd assess why they MIGHT be screaming. Might they want attention, to be held, etc.? Are they pointing at something like they want something? Are they just making noise and sort of giggling at how loud they can be? Try to figure out a possible why. 

If they want something and they are pointing and having a conniption, I don't tolerate a temper tantrum. I tell them loud enough so they can hear: "If you want something you can ask me nice and use your quiet voice." I don't give it to them as long as they are having a fit and my daughter (the screamer) and I had day-long power struggles that way. She was STUBBORN. In a little bit I would say, "You can not scream like that and have a fit. You need to stop now." If she didn't in about a minute I'd but a little lemon juice on my finger and put it on her tongue! LOL Then she'd make that pucker face and thereafter any time she'd scream...lemon juice. If she was quiet or asked nice...she'd get it RIGHT AWAY or get to join in. So she got the training both ways: screaming = sour lemon juice/ asking nicely = getting what I want.

If she was making noise but not upset or asking...just making loud noise...I tried to explain loud voice and quiet voice. Plus for her being a premie she really did need some time to do that to make her lungs strong. But I didn't have to sacrifice my sanity! So I made sure she was okay, put her in her playpen in her room, closed the door to her room, turned up some music and as best as possible tried to "ignore" it. Then I'd just check periodically to be sure she was okay...and oddly enough she did generally just stop screaming after a bit. 

If I was REALLY going crazy, I again made sure she was okay, told her she needed to stop, tried the lemon thing...and it was still just jangling my last nerve, I had some friends I did babysitting exchange with. The idea was that neither of us could really "afford" a babysitter but sometimes you just gotta get away! So we tried to keep it about even for the hours, and if I really couldn't take it I'd call her, say "Hey the baby is screaming and driving me NUTS--could you watch her for an hour while I take a walk?" Then I'd head to the nearest park, library, or quiet place, do yoga breathing, and try to relax.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Your daughter is about a year, correct? Is she verbal at all yet? One thing we did with both our boys, that really helped from early on, was we taught them to identify their emotions and to use their words when describing them. So, for example....if she is screaming because she wants something that is out of her reach, she is frustrated...."are you frustrated because you can't reach your toy?" You need to tell Daddy you are frustrated. I can't hear you when you scream." the same for mad....sad, hurt feelings, tired...etc. Of course, teach her to identify her positive emotions too...eventually...it WILL work, and it takes a lot of the anger out of them because they can finally get their point across. 
We also use the "take a deep breath" method when (especially my oldest) has gotten himself worked up. Yes, you have to show her how to do this, but the deep breaths start to calm them, and it gives them something to focus on. When she gets worked up, you can tell her to take a deep breath, Daddy can't understand her when she is screaming, crying, etc. Let her know that you WANT to understand her...and when she gets herself under control, tell her how proud you are and then listen to what she has to say. 
When my two year old gets mad and has a bit of a temper tantrum, I tell him to go to his room and calm down, and that when he can talk to me like a big boy, he can come out. He knows he won't get his way by screaming or crying...and it usually takes about a minute and he comes out and apologizes to me and the day goes on. I realize she is a bit younger, but its about the age we started all of this with our boys, and it was well worth it. 

As for you Dad, you need a night of yours, when you can get out of the house ALONE and unwind. You're going to burn out if you don't get it. Wife needs to understand that and come to terms with it. It's not just leaving you alone for 5 minutes....you need to physically be GONE from it all. My H and I have had some pretty hard times in the years we have been together...but honestly, this was one of the things we had to work on together...and it has done wonders for his patience with our boys, and his commitment to his family in general.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I havne't read through this all and I will later. . .so I don't know if this has been knocked around. . .but is the wife happy with you being a SAHD and her being the working mom?

She is trying to assume "parental control" when she comes in. . .and other signs may point to the possibility she may be unhappy with the traditional role reversal.

*It may, operative word, may. . .be the case.* I am just knocking the idea around and feel free to knock it out.

This is unfortunately the society we have engineered - feminist movement, equal rights. . .the pill, tubal ligation. .. a double edged sword it's been.

Women got the "right" to go out and work and that was definitely good but then discovered it wasn't all it was cracked up to be (thought it would be 100% fun and fulfilling but oh yeah, gee, you have to deal with crabby bosses, always the chance of being downsized, retarded co-workers and gosh, you actually have to leave the house and show up) and now they wish they were home with their babies and men yearn to be out workiing and providing as unemployment for men reaches epic numbers.

This isn't Obama's fault - it's just what has evolved since Reagan.

I actually met a young 23 year old hottie at a branch hospital I was working at and I asked her (she was working as a clerk) if she was studying to be a nurse (most clerks are). ..she said, "No, I want to be a stay at home mom some day."

I told her, with an air of honesty: "Good luck with that." 

I actually found it refreshing that a young woman had this ambition, although it's a lofty one for a man to soley support a middle class existence in this day and age. But she was young and hot. . .if she's going to play that card, now is the time for her - she'll need probaby a man who is 40, never been married, because as the saying goes, "No man is worth a damn until he's 40."

Your sex life may be a micrcosm of this. Just a theory. Sorry if I rambled without reading.


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

She used to stay home but always complained of being bored
and wanted to work, so we switched. Then she
complained of having to work while j sas home
( like this is so easy). Trouble is, neither of us
will ever get ahead if we keep quitting our jobs
because she is never happy. I think she just likes
complaining.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Ah, yes, the "never happy, never content wife".

Been there. Done that. Now own the t-shirt.

Now, I have the "never happy ex-wife." Like that guy Frank on Hill Street Blues (an old police show popular in the 80's), where his ex would always storm into his office. That's her - stressed and unhappy. . .that's me. . .stressed and resigned to now having an unhappy ex-wife in my life for a long time. At least now like Frank, I have a hot co-worker to sleep with and take the edge off.

Careful - "never happy wife" - that always leads to the "never happy husband."

I'll tell what you won't work - trying to make her happy. 

Happiness comes from within. Not even your spouse can make you happy.

Good luck.


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