# he cheated, I found out



## lidia (Aug 15, 2008)

My story is a little different but I feel the same way that many people are facing. My husband of ten years together twelve. We have children. I had been feeling so alone and that something wasn't right. So I was contemplating talking to him honestly without our usually screaming voices about how bad I felt so thatmaybe we could fix things. I went down stairs when he thought I was asleep. I found him pleasing himself with some online porn. He looked like a deer in headlights. It bothered me a great deal because our sex life has been not as active as I would like and only usually took place when I initiated it. Most of th time he said he was too tired. I have never said to him so I respected that maybe he was tired because I would have wanted the same respect. The next night we talked and talked for about two hours about how that was the straw that broke the camels back for me considering all of the issues that I felt. The heart to heart went great so I thought I was so happy that it was looking good. He knew that i felt insecure because of the porn. The next day I decided to break in to his email preparing to tell him and apologizing letting him know that I needed to for my piece of mind. Well to my displeasure to say the least there were pages and pages of sexually explicit repsonses to personal ads. They were vulgar and gross. I flipped my lid. When comfrontedhe said taht he's never met with anyone that he was just talking. I still feel like he cheated becasue it was happening for months. I just couldn't keep reading so I ust don't know for long this went on. I can't even look at him right now. The thought of him makes me physically sick. I have lost all trust for him. He's said he's sorry many times which I can't believe becasue he never says he's sorry and that he's willing to go to counseling which he had never wanted to do either. I just feel like i can't go because I don't to be vulnerable more than what I already feel. any advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband has a problem no doubt. This is another example of how porn can hurt your spouse and your marriage. Don’t worry folks, I won’t go into my canned porn rant again. If he is willing to go to counseling then do so. For the both of you. You need to heal and grow also. Whether the marriage survives or not, the two of you need to heal some wounds as you will be forever tied because of your children. Counseling will not only help you get over this betrayal but will also help you both understand each other and your marriage. You may find for instance why he turned to porn allowing you to both improve in your intimate relationship. I know that this may be unappealing to you now but with time and help things can improve. I ask that you try counseling before you throw in the towel. Good luck.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

Have you found out why he turned to porn?
ok the sexual nature of the messages is indeed explicit, but again fantasy plays a huge role . i d flip my lid probably like you.
but looking at your email - you both seem to have issues within the sex department. 
but your also both acknowledging issues.
which i think is a very good step forward.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hi Lidia,

My husband is a porn addict, too. I found the pictures and explicit dating sites when i put spyware on his computer. I know the sick to your stomach feeling and the anger very well. Its demoralizing. I am so sorry for you. I know what you are going through. 

I found out about all this about a year and a half ago. It is a long, long road, le'me tell ya. I'm glad your H is sorry. Mine is/was too. Mine is also getting counseling. 

I went to alanon meetings for awhile and that really helped. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen It's actually for family and friends of alcoholics but I just referred to my husband's addiction. Its a very supportive environment with women (mostly) who are going through very similar things. If you cant find a meeting close to you then their reading material is also very helpful. 

Please feel free to pm me anytime. I know what you are going through.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amp you need to have a rant on porn and just link it back everytime an issue comes up because it is the same thing over and over. Porn like anything else can be addictive and destructive to a marriage, and/or a sex life.

draconis


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

OK Drac, here you go!

I will get up on my soap box again and point out that is a perfect example of the effect porn can have on a marriage. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I used porn breify as a “release” a couple of years ago and it definitely hurt my marriage. There where other issues also but the porn had an impact. For those of you out there who are engaged in using pornography, think about what it could do to your spouse’s feelings. If they have self confidence issues about their looks or weight, finding out will exacerbate them. It could leave them feeling unloved and undesired. Your spouse may also wonder what you are bringing to the bed with you when you are making love. Who or what you may have seen on line that you are thinking about when you make love to them. Put yourself in their place and how you’d feel if they did the same to you. I don’t know if I can classify the use of porn as “cheating” but it can definitely hurt your spouse and that is wrong in any form. If both spouses are OK with it or share it together, that’s fine. Consenting adults and all, BUT… I am not a prude or holy-roller by any stretch but I do believe that making love is supposed to be between two loving people in a committed relationship. Not something to be filmed for the almighty dollar and the entertainment of others. Porn hurts lots of people. The young man or woman at a college party that gets drunk and does something stupid while some perv videos it and sells it online for a hundred bucks. It will not doubt be an act they will regret for the rest of their lives. The porn industry uses people then tosses them aside like a used condom when they have served their purposes. It pollutes the minds of our young people and desensitizes them to what making love is all about. It sets unobtainable expectations for them in choosing a mate and partner. It exposes them to acts of violence, incest and rape and presents it as “normal”. It is a pollutant in our moral fiber and it is available 24X7 on virtually every device connected to the Internet. Some on this forum disagree with me that it isn’t just a trivial “release” for someone to engage in. That’s fine, we are all entitled to our opinions, but here is a classic example of how it can and has hurt a marriage. More importantly how is hurt someone’s spouse.


----------



## happless (Jul 17, 2008)

:iagree:

I believe it had a major impact on me. More so than I ever realized until after the fact.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'll share my experience for what it's worth in case it might be of help to you. My husband had an emotional affair last year & broke it off before it got to a full-blown physical affair but I found out 1 day later on my own (he left his cell phone home and I snooped). We talked and both wanted to work things out but my trust was gone. I looked on his computer and also found loads of porn and some dating sites he signed up for. I did not find anything he sent to anyone when I signed on as him and looked through email, but was extremely disturbed just the same. It was a complete shock to me and I felt like I was married to a complete stranger...a perverted stranger at that which was the opposite of the gentle, loving man I knew.

It took a lot of talking and me looking online for answers to come to terms with our situation (and be able to see him as I always had prior) and one thing he said was that he first did it (as many men do) to relieve stress, fill in gaps in our sex life but over time it wasn't 'doing' anything for him so it got progressively more explicit and the thought of a 'live' person on the other end took it to another level of excitement. He agreed it got waaaay out of control. It is a very difficult thing for many men to stop if it has become an addiction. My husband's reaction (after the shock/shame of it settled) was to delete everything he had on his laptop and stop cold turkey. After researching what I could and talking to him I did tell him that occasionally looking wouldn't bother me as long as he was honest if I asked about it but if it was a problem he could not stop that was another story. In the last year, he has kept to his word and says he's looked at it on the rare occasion but things between us have been great so he really doesn't find any need/want to do that anymore.

I hope you are able to talk this through with him. You are definitely not alone here. I think this issue is way more common than I thought when I initially found out.


----------



## lidia (Aug 15, 2008)

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I really appreciate it. These last days have sucked because like you I feel like I am marrie to a perverted stranger. The trust that I had is completely gone.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

lidia said:


> He's said he's sorry many times which I can't believe becasue he never says he's sorry and that he's willing to go to counseling which he had never wanted to do either.


That says plenty to me. Accept his offer to go to counseling. Just try to find a counselor that you're both comfortable with. Both of you really need to understand WHY your marriage got to this point.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lidia said:


> Thank you for sharing your story with me. I really appreciate it. These last days have sucked because like you I feel like I am marrie to a perverted stranger. The trust that I had is completely gone.


I totally understand that feeling. I was completely naive as to how common it is for men to view porn, especially now with the internet having it so accessible. After reading/researching I did come to a point where I felt what he was doing was fairly common and I was able to dismiss the feelings that he was perverted. I never really spent much time learning about men and never really thought much about differences between men/women but the more I read the more I feel there are real differences, generally speaking. 

In the end, I was able to separate the porn use from anything to do with me personally. I think half of it was me thinking he's out there looking for something better, that I'm not good enough. The other half was knowing he hid this because it would be hurtful to me and how sorry he felt when I did find out.

I had to come to grips that it wasn't about me not being good enough and that he wasn't a pervert. If you can get to that point, you can move forward together. For some it is an addiction that is very difficult to stop so like any other if he is at that point and is trying to stop cold turkey, he may slip up and the more you are talking through it with him and supporting him the more likely he will get past this. I'm pretty sure my husband (based on my reaction being calm and wanting to understand) is comfortable talking to me now and doesn't have to fear that I will leave, etc. He's a good man--he's not a perfect man.

We did talk in detail about it and for me, the dating sites crossed the line big time and he agreed. Viewing it at all may cross the line for you and those boundaries should be openly talked about calmly so he feels safe talking. You need to know that your boundaries are being respected.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> I had to come to grips that it wasn't about me not being good enough


How did you get to this point? Ive been struggling with this for over a year and I just dont seem to be able to separate myself from it.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> How did you get to this point? Ive been struggling with this for over a year and I just dont seem to be able to separate myself from it.


Hi ljtseng,

I sent you a private message on this one.


----------

