# Family Hate me for supporting my wife



## FunkyBurrito (Jan 9, 2022)

I’ll try and make this short…

Last week my dad grabbed my wife by the face and pulled her in for a ‘happy new year kiss’ on the lips despite her trying to pull away. Needless to say she felt extremely uncomfortable. The following day I went to speak to my parents, my mum was understanding but dad got defensive and told me to f-off. 

My 3 older siblings have now gotten involved and I’ve been welcomed with phone calls of guilt trips about my dad saying I’ve added to his mental health problems, I’ve ruined the family and that my wife is controlling me among other things. They’re also fixated that I mentioned some childhood stuff to my mum (but that my mum brought up at the time) about and they keep claiming I’m digging up the past and me and my wife are out to ‘get him’. They think I’m having a mental health crisis also. 

My siblings never react well to something negative against the ‘core family’ and seem act with aggression as opposed to a rational conversation. Doesn’t help that they are very protective of dad and will always defend him.

I feel like the black sheep for standing up for my wife and having a different point of view. They now think my wife is a narcissist and have warped my views of them. It’s on our minds 24/7 and we’re just so sad and frustrated and confused trying to figure this all out.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’ll give you a great piece of advice as the black sheep of my own family. The more you engage them the more they remain with influence over you. When I cut all contact and went 100% silent my life and marriage improved greatly. My family came back around eventually but the dynamics were extremely different. My mother and father never gave me one single problem again and it became very clear to them on which side of the fence I was standing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You did the right thing. That was very in appropriate. This adding to his mental health thing is nonsense, it's all very manipulative. 
I am sorry the rest of the family are being so awful about it and trying to turn you against your wife. You may have to stop contact for a while and see if things calm down.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

FunkyBurrito said:


> Last week my dad grabbed my wife by the face and pulled her in for a ‘happy new year kiss’ on the lips despite her trying to pull away. Needless to say she felt extremely uncomfortable. The following day I went to speak to my parents, my mum was understanding but dad got defensive and told me to f-off.


How exactly did you bring it up? How come it didn't stop there?



> My 3 older siblings have now gotten involved and I’ve been welcomed with phone calls of guilt trips about my dad saying I’ve added to his mental health problems,


What are those? Are they being treated?



> They’re also fixated that I mentioned some childhood stuff to my mum


That may have been a bad idea. Learn to stay on topic. Don't do _"and another thing"_ even if someone else tries to get you to. 



> My siblings never react well to something negative against the ‘core family’ and seem act with aggression as opposed to a rational conversation. Doesn’t help that they are very protective of dad and will always defend him.


They idealise him. You can't change that. It's not a matter of "rational conversation", I'm sure you know that.

And you already know all this, so how come you even went to them about the kiss, knowing how it would play out? You kind of walked yourself into this.


> I feel like the black sheep for standing up for my wife and having a different point of view.


Black sheep is your role in the drama. I suggest you decline to play it any more. You'll never change them.


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## FunkyBurrito (Jan 9, 2022)

How exactly did you bring it up? How come it didn't stop there?

I just said to him that he made my wife feel uncomfortable and she’d like some space. When he came back with ‘that’s what you do at new years’ I tried to explain how it made her feel and that’s when I was told where to go. It didn’t stop there as when I spoke to my mum about it she opened up a bit about their situation (basically they’re not happy with their current lives) and she then went on to tell one sibling then it spread…

What are those? Are they being treated?

Depression and yes, though he’s improved more recently.

That may have been a bad idea. Learn to stay on topic. Don't do _"and another thing"_ even if someone else tries to get you to.

Agreed, it was just a passing comment made by me to my mum and it’s been blown up. They keep bringing up now when I tell them it’s nothing to do with the situation at hand.


They idealise him. You can't change that. It's not a matter of "rational conversation", I'm sure you know that.

I should maybe have meant reasonable. The messages and phone calls have been very aggressive and are saying hurtful things about me and my wife which again has nothing to do with the chat with my dad.

And you already know all this, so how come you even went to them about the kiss, knowing how it would play out? You kind of walked yourself into this.

I spoke to mum then dad just to let them know if we go quiet and not have flimsy excuses. I was worried it would happen again and cause an even bigger scene in front of more family and kids.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

FunkyBurrito said:


> it was just a passing comment


There's no such thing. 

You can only change you, so I am suggesting you look at things you did, that you could have avoided doing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Depression is not an excuse for boorish behavior. And telling you to f off? What? I wouldn't blame your wife if she never wanted to be around your father and ignorant siblings, again.

Put some distance between you and your family until they learn some manners.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Eccck, personally I think your dad deserves a shallow grave.

Grabbing her by the face? You should have broken both his knees, then & there.

Sadly, both are illegal. I'd take Mr. Married's advice & tell them all to go to Hell.

I had something similar happen and it was inappropriate, unacceptable and emotionally painful.

Seriously, you're better off without them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FunkyBurrito said:


> I’ll try and make this short…
> 
> Last week my dad grabbed my wife by the face and pulled her in for a ‘happy new year kiss’ on the lips despite her trying to pull away. Needless to say she felt extremely uncomfortable. The following day I went to speak to my parents, my mum was understanding but dad got defensive and told me to f-off.
> 
> ...


First, I'm surprised dear old dad didn't have his nose pushed through the back of his head.

Anyone stupid enough to try that with my wife would be hurt badly and that would be before I even got to him.

Secondly, you're better off without a bunch of deranged lunatics that condone sexual assault.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You did the right thing.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

My father was inappropriate with women and enjoyed crossing boundaries. If people protested, it was always somehow their fault and he the injured party. Eventually we went no contact for good. A painful decision, but not one I ultimately regretted.

Once you are married, your spouse (and children if you have them) are your family and you are absolutely right to do whatever is necessary to protect them.

My father was a diagnosed malignant narcissist, bipolar and a predator, and I was fortunate to have the support of my mom and sister, making my decision easier, but some degree of distance seems definitely called for. People who refuse to respect boundaries or empathize are dangerous to your mental health. Neither being depressed nor a parent make their wants and ego more important than your family’s well-being.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. as a father with an adult son with a fiance, I can't imagine trying to force his little lady, the mother of my grandchildren, to do that and humiliate her and my son and bargain on my status as dad to get away with it.

What a pathetic loser.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Your job is to protect your wife and keep her secure. 
That doesn't include pushing her into unwanted advances by daddy. 
Your father can feel whatever he wants to feel like. He was very creepy. 
You're completely (as your wife is) in the right.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op does your father act like that with other family members? IE other DIL's?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Set maintain and enforce proper boundaries at all times, not just regarding this certain instance.

Life goes so much better for folks who set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries with family, friends, neighbors, coworkers etc.

What your father did was despicable.

Any in your family trying to stick up for him are being despicable too.

My first husband had many faults, but he sided with our children and me regarding his mean and abusive mother.

OP, you need to come down hard on this and remain that way from here on out.


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## FunkyBurrito (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Op does your father act like that with other family members? IE other DIL's?


My wife is only DIL in the family. He’s not overly affectionate with my sisters and not at all with my mum. They also don’t have the kind of relationship where they’re chummy either. They exchange pleasantries and that’s it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They aren’t going to change. Distance helps when dealing with family disagreements. Ignore them.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*FunkyBurrito*

Not quite the same but similar - boorish/disrespectful family 

took GF (already intending to marry) to visit relatives - aunt/uncle/mother/cousins etc.

Aunt/Uncle have always had ratty-ass anti-social mutts - small ones though. So not a deathly danger from a dog attack.

First time visit w/GF. Dog goes usual nutso barking and snapping. So Aunt puts dog in a bedroom and shuts the door.
For ?? reason a bit later cousin opens door (not her bedroom either) and dog zings out and bites GF on ankle. Some less than perfectly Southern language spoken and GF & I take a hike and go to local drug store for medical supplies. Called mother and asked to have rabies vaccination verified. 

Never went back to vist aunt and uncle. Also wrote off cousin - opening the door was like last 1% of crap she was always doing.

Hindsight - should have gone to medical facility as animal bites are mandatory reported to "Animal Control" who pay a visit to the offending puppy owners and will take animal if vaccination cannot not be verified. 
Just for "spite" I might add -

Regarding your episode with low boundary "father" - tell him to eff-off and go dark. Ditto for the _rest_ of the _similarly thinking _members.

Bonus! Wife's family large and ALL of them have "good ol' Southern boundaires." Net win for me.

Trying to think of any ethnic group or population on the planet (currently living) that "approves" of dear old dad trading spit with sons wife. Can't come up with a claim I have ever read about such.

Best way to avoid such possibly happening? Put some distance between boundary offenders any yourselves.

Wife (and children?) are now your family and your responsible for protecting them in all ways to the best of your ability.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

@FunkyBurrito, a couple of thoughts from someone who has had to navigate boundaries with a mentally ill family member.
You said your father has been dealing with major depression and seems better lately. If he's exhibiting uncharacteristic behavior then he needs to be encouraged by everyone to see to his doctor. His diagnosis may not be correct and/or he may need a change of medication. Serious mental illnesses are not an excuse for abusive behavior but knowing that he has a MI will put you and your wife in a better place to not take his behavior personally. How the rest of your family reacts is not your problem. If there are childhood issues you are stuggling with, then see a therapist to work through them. Don't talk to your mother or siblings about it, they will only get defensive or create family drama. 
Having said that, you have every right to tell your father that what he did was inappropriate and made your wife and you uncomfortable and that, if it happens again, you will have to take a break from any contact with him. End of conversation. If he starts in with calling you names, being verbally abusive, then you can say that you cannot talk to him when he is being disrespectful and then walk away. Do not engage with anyone else, just go. When my MI family member starts in with that behavior, I simply say, "I love you, but I cannot allow you to be disrepectable toward me. We can talk another time when you can stay calm and not call me names." Granted, that may not work for you, none of us know your history with your father and family.
There's a saying in Al-Anon that I repeat to myself often: "Heal me, bless him." Take care of yourself and your family, and detach with love.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FunkyBurrito said:


> My wife is only DIL in the family. He’s not overly affectionate with my sisters and not at all with my mum. They also don’t have the kind of relationship where they’re chummy either. They exchange pleasantries and that’s it.


So it's just your wife that he snogs😲😐
Has he been at all inappropriate with her before?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FunkyBurrito said:


> I’ll try and make this short…
> 
> Last week my dad grabbed my wife by the face and pulled her in for a ‘happy new year kiss’ on the lips despite her trying to pull away. Needless to say she felt extremely uncomfortable. The following day I went to speak to my parents, my mum was understanding but dad got defensive and told me to f-off.
> 
> ...


There doesn't need to be a bunch of conversation about this. It's a she was uncomfortable to never do anything like that again and next time you see her apologize, period full stop. He is free to get all defensive and hoot and holler and if he does maybe you have to say if thats a problem there are to options 1. You never see us again 2. You can see us again but if you disrespect her wishes and do something like that again you will likely get thrown across the room. Your wife is your primary family now the rest are all secondary.


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## FunkyBurrito (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> So it's just your wife that he snogs😲😐
> Has he been at all inappropriate with her before?


My sister said she got a kiss on the lips later from him but no idea if that’s true or her defending him. Even if it was true they’ve very different relationship.

Nothing major prior, the odd hug but nothing just.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What your dad did was worse than inappropriate. And his reaction should have been very contrite. It wasn’t. Blame shifting.

when you have relatives that do crazy ****, you aren’t required to participate. 
I’d put distance between you and them.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP, if my FIL did that, I'd be disgusted and never want to be around him again, or anyone who thought that was just dandy. You did good standing up for your wife. My first FIL was very inappropriate also, and he didn't have a mental illness (grabbed my ass in front of his whole family on his birthday), so I understand how your wife feels. 

I can't believe your mom thinks your father's behavior is acceptable!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good Lord, your wife is a freakin' baby.
> 
> And then YOU go and create all kinds of drama the next day, going to your parents' house and beating your chest like a gorilla, 'defending her honor' and letting them know how your poor, poor wife was SO traumatized by it. First-world problems.
> 
> Stop being a drama queen.


I in part agree with you.

Sounds like a lot of drama was created. Both sides added to it.

However, I will give my thoughts here.

First, one of my favorite posters on this entire board who I rarely ever disagree with I will digress with to an extent here.

My thoughts are simple.

First, this is only the OPs first day here and we know nothing about the background story. A situation like this doesn't break out all of a sudden with people who have a long history of relations. So there is a backstory. 

I doubt Dad would feel so free as to do what he did and Mom (who was there) be ok with it if there wasn't something there. I came from Northern NJ which was deeply Italian and got kissed more by my own friend's families who were Italian than my own (Irish). However, if Dad crossed a line, why now ? Why didn't he try this years ago unless something in the family dynamic has changed ? So there is something else here.

The fact that all siblings backed Dad suggests that there's a history here of odd relations between the parents, Son, DIL and siblings.

So I give a lot of creedence to She'sstillgotit's thoughts. Besides, the next day confrontation probably shouldn't have happened in person as tempers were still there and feelings still hurt. Probably should have been addressed by phone. Dad telling OP to F off was line crossing but we don't know nor were told what OP said to Dad either. Again, key info left out.

Dad shouldn't repeat the same action again and I am sure things will heal. I do feel that if there was a bad history here, and OP still brought the wife over, Dad had to know better than try this stunt.

Now, not speaking of this particular story, but in many cases of a bad breakup, reconciliation or other issues, there are bad feelings which could spark a situation and turn it into something evil.

However, I doubt OP's Dad, in all the time he knew DIL, would just try this out of the blue in front of the family now. Probably would have tried it a long time ago. 

Maybe Funky will share his story but there's a lot more behind this than we here know.

Diana is right that Dad should have apologized, even if it was just to calm things down and be respectful.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’ll give you a great piece of advice as the black sheep of my own family. The more you engage them the more they remain with influence over you. When I cut all contact and went 100% silent my life and marriage improved greatly. My family came back around eventually but the dynamics were extremely different. My mother and father never gave me one single problem again and it became very clear to them on which side of the fence I was standing.


this right here.

another fellow black sheep here.

Mr. Married is 100% correct. Sometimes the family needs to be cut out until they can get their collective head removed from their own ass. I think it is worthwhile to allow them to redeem themselves, but a little time off won’t hurt anyone.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

That is a weird thing to do to ANYONE you're not dating/married to, let alone a family member's spouse. It's one thing to kiss someone on each cheek but if someone pulls away from you, you should NEVER force them to kiss you. If I were her I would have handled it myself, but agree that if you were present it might've been easier to say something then and there. I think you have given him a chance to apologize and he didn't so just set the hard boundary that he isn't to grab or kiss your wife again or whatever boundaries you and your wife feel comfortable with and make it clear his excuses and bs won't fly. Agree with others to dial back on contact with your family. Definitely would support your wife if she feels she doesn't feel comfortable with having them in your home. If your siblings didn't actually witness this happen tell them to butt out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Expect your wife to want to avoid him going forward. Years ago, I had a good friend who got married in her living room at her parents' house. I already knew there was something wrong with her dad because I'd gone to Thanksgiving with them one year, and he was creating drama and crying and sucking all the air out of the room before we ever even got out of the car. 

So I was already declining invitations to avoid being uncomfortable. But I was invited to their small private wedding and part of it, so I went.

Right after the vows, with his wife looking on, her dad turned around and stuck his tongue down my throat. His wife pretended not to notice, which I am sure she had likely been turning a blind eye for decades. The bride noticed and we went off to the restroom together to be horrified in unison. I totally avoided him from that moment on. I mean, I will never forget or forgive that. No, I wasn't raped or anything that hurt, but he just ruined her day and embarrassed her by giving me a view into their family dynamics. 

Listen, I didn't EVER want to talk to him again or see him, not even for an apology, so don't be surprised if your wife doesn't either. The fact the family all sided with him is SICK. Sorry you're the only one with good boundaries who rebelled against his ways instead of siding with him and becoming like him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm really curious about the civility about this at all????

So when is it more acceptable to sexually assault someone?

That's what this was.

Go grab a woman by the face and force yourself onto her, holding your lips to hers by physical force.

Try it with a cop.

Obviously doing that would get your sorry ass arrested and probably some bumps and bruises to go with it.

So it's ok if he's an in law????


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FunkyBurrito said:


> I’ll try and make this short…
> 
> Last week my dad grabbed my wife by the face and pulled her in for a ‘happy new year kiss’ on the lips despite her trying to pull away. Needless to say she felt extremely uncomfortable. The following day I went to speak to my parents, my mum was understanding but dad got defensive and told me to f-off.
> 
> ...


@FunkyBurrito, I'm sorry to read about your family new year's incident, and the ensuing drama. They think that your wife is a narcissist, and yet they're the ones who are trying to spin the situation? Funny thing: I've been reading a LOT on a website called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, and gaslighting and rewriting history is something that they cover on that site. That is what they're trying to do to you and your wife. You're confused because they're gaslighting you, and they want you confused, and feeling badly so that you'll apologize to them for your Dad's wrong move. It's not right and it's not fair, and I'm so sorry that they are like that; they aren't likely to change either.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> *First, I'm surprised dear old dad didn't have his nose pushed through the back of his head.*
> 
> Anyone stupid enough to try that with my wife would be hurt badly and that would be before I even got to him.
> 
> Secondly, you're better off without a bunch of deranged lunatics that condone sexual assault.


I was thinking the same thing. I know that if a man other than my BF tried something like that, both his nose and his willy would be hit so hard, they'd be inside out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I was thinking the same thing. I know that if a man other than my BF tried something like that, both his nose and his willy would be hit so hard, they'd be inside out.


The trouble can be that if it's entirely unexpected you can be in shock and not react. Then later on you wish you had done something or said something. 

Op, was your father drunk?


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The trouble can be that if it's entirely unexpected you can be in shock and not react. Then later on you wish you had done something or said something.


That is very true; thanks for pointing that out.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

You did good Funky. Keep standing up for your wife. It would be nice if parents were always responsible role models we could look up to, but unfortunately that's not always the case.


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## FunkyBurrito (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> The trouble can be that if it's entirely unexpected you can be in shock and not react. Then later on you wish you had done something or said something.
> 
> Op, was your father drunk?


Yeah that was my wifes reaction!

No he was sober as far as I could tell. Which makes it worse (not that alcohol is an excuse!)


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## FunkyBurrito (Jan 9, 2022)

Sorry I haven't been replying much, decided I wanted not to think about it for a few days.

Had a horrible night on Saturday when I got nasty messages from one of my siblings, calling my wife a narcissist and saying we've pushed mum and dad's mental health over the edge. 

We're both trying to get on with things but it's weighing heavily on our minds. 

I believe someone asked about history so here's it briefly - 

Mum was a housewife, father worked outdoors. Both liked alcohol, dad on a few occasions would get violent with mum when we were kids. I was always worried about fighting and conflict (still am) because of it. Siblings seem to be happy that was in the past and have moved on though are very aggressive people with partners that have similarities to my dad.

Dad took early retirement due to health and moved closer to us. Dad got depressed. Neither parent are happy in the marriage and lean on us children for emotional support. Sisters tend to side with dad and I'll side more with mum. Dad leans on one sibling in particular for help with paperwork and bills (not to pay them but to sort them out) and was even doing this when my sisters marriage was breaking down.

Every sibling has had mental health problems but not one has made the connection to childhood.

My wife was never a big fan of dad from when we first met but was always nice and civil to him. They never see a lot of each other anyway so it was never a big problem until new year.

That's the brief version...


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Block the sibling who is being nasty. Don't let them into your home or your life. They are the problem, not you so don't allow their problems into your life. If your family wants you in their life, then they are the ones who need to change their behaviors and prove that they can treat you and your wife with respect. If they don't, cut them out. Your responsibility is to your wife, not to your badly behaving family members.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blaming you for your parents mental health problems is illogical.

You seem to understand that you’re dealing with messed up people. Just turn off the faucet. Stop letting them get you wet with their problems, their opinions, and their negativity.

What your dad did was inappropriate. He had the choice to apologize and say it wouldn’t happen again. I suspect that would have been the end if it. Instead, he claimed you were somehow injuring HIM, and has since employed your siblings to bring further pain in your direction.

You don’t have to accept their BS. Block, ignore, stop interacting. It’s simple.


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