# Argument this morning - I'm confused, feedback appreciated



## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

With all due respect, you're making yourself out to be the ultimate judge of whose time is and is not valuable.

You valued your time typing on the keyboard. 
You devalued his request for input on the tie.
You devalued his time doing what he wanted which you interrupted.
You valued your request of him enough to pull an earphone out of his ear instead of wait.

I respectfully submit that I believe you have already lost respect for your husband.

Now, if you and him go in circles in a fight - then he probably doesn't know how to difuse the situation when you start taking over control. He has a role in enabling your behavior.

He's taking the right first step in calling you out for the double standard, but he's got to learn to stick to it in a way that is respectful and hehasn't got that figured out if it escalates. 

You probably react in a manner that makes it harder....

I dunno, I've had a rough day and I feel like I'm about to go in circles myself over this. You both screwed up, but since you're posting let's start with you realizing your husband is right that you've got a double standard.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you are putting a lot of energy into trying to win an arugment. Pick your battles better. 

Your husband will not admit to getting your point. You don't get his.

You have each had your say.

So now it's time to drop it and move on. Perhaps both of you have now learned that giving each other more respect and patients when wanting the other's attention is a good idea. Isn't that the issue here.

Just give him a kiss and a hug. Tell him you get his point (even if you don't). And tell him that he's right. You should both respect each other when wanting the other's attention.

There it's done. Move on.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

EleGirl, thank-you. At the time I did do that, but he wanted to keep going on and on about it. It wasn't enough for me to say sorry, he really wanted to beat me up about it.

You're right that it is too much energy and to be honest I'm feeling pretty drained after it. 

Now that we've both had a chance to cool down I will forget it happened and hope he can do the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> EleGirl, thank-you. At the time I did do that, but he wanted to keep going on and on about it. It wasn't enough for me to say sorry, he really wanted to beat me up about it.
> 
> You're right that it is too much energy and to be honest I'm feeling pretty drained after it.
> 
> Now that we've both had a chance to cool down I will forget it happened and hope he can do the same.


I find that even when someone goes on as your husband did and will not give up their position, over time it sinks in. So just let his subconcious sort this out.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

EleGirl in hindsight when he refused to accept my apology I should have walked away instead of retaliating.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> In the end I just lost it with him and told him to go away if he was just going to use a valid and genuine issue I/we had raised in the past to beat me up with now, because he wanted to make a point.
> 
> Is it me? Am I going mental here and really missing something?
> 
> ...


I agree that going around and around in circles is pointless. The wording you used "I told him to go away..." came across as dismissive to me. Maybe he was just starting up something for the sake of it, I don't know. It sounds as though you were both frustrated, you'd had enough and dismissed him, which in my opinion, translates to you dismissing his feelings. Which a step further, makes me think you don't have much regard for his feelings.....lack respect. Which you yourself said, in those moments, you do lose a great deal of respect for him. I wonder how it feels to be on the receiving end of that?

You made mention that you were sorry, but then followed with he didn't accept your apology and you retaliated. You didn't agree with/understand why he was raising this, so why were you saying sorry? Apologies if I've overlooked this, but is it possible he didn't accept the "sorry" because he knew that you weren't? That he didn't feel heard, and perhaps just felt dismissed? 

We don't hear his side, so I lean towards giving some benefit of the doubt in his favor. 

Okay to answer your questions........Yes, it's you. And yes, it's him too. I read the post you made in the Ladies Lounge. I'd say it's safe to assume there's more levels to this than whether he interrupted your email about a tie, and whether he was to be interrupted in return (yes, regardless of body language etc). 

I don't think the questions to be asking are whether or not he had a problem with you pausing his movie. 

To really gain understanding of him, if you indeed want to, would be to first abandon your own 'positioning' and start asking broader questions and having frank conversations about where your relationship is at. And be prepared to listen. Yes, you have needs too, I'm not saying it's all about him. You're the one who's posting though, so it tends to become about what you can do. 

....by the way, welcome! There's lots of really helpful folk here, always with a range of perspectives and thoughts.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> The wording you used "I told him to go away..." came across as dismissive to me. Maybe he was just starting up something for the sake of it, I don't know. It sounds as though you were both frustrated, you'd had enough and dismissed him, which in my opinion, translates to you dismissing his feelings. Which a step further, makes me think you don't have much regard for his feelings.....lack respect. Which you yourself said, in those moments, you do lose a great deal of respect for him. I wonder how it feels to be on the receiving end of that?
> 
> You made mention that you were sorry, but then followed with he didn't accept your apology and you retaliated. You didn't agree with/understand why he was raising this, so why were you saying sorry? Apologies if I've overlooked this, but is it possible he didn't accept the "sorry" because he knew that you weren't? That he didn't feel heard, and perhaps just felt dismissed?
> 
> ...


It was definitely dismissive. I was quite angry at that point so didn't say it in the most pleasant way I could have. I take responsibility for that.

I did apologise without really understanding what I was apologising for and I still don't get what the point was. But apologised to try to defuse the situation. I explained to him very calmly and very rationally that I didn't understand what point he was trying to make and if he felt I had a double standard then I was sorry it made him that way and tried to explain that it was not my intent. 

He wasn't happy with that and kept going on about it and criticising me. 

The whole thing was blown way out of proportion. There is more than one way to skin a cat and I felt that I on the receiving end of a full frontal attack, and not an issue raised in a loving repairing way.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay to answer your questions........Yes, it's you. And yes, it's him too. I read the post you made in the Ladies Lounge. I'd say it's safe to assume there's more levels to this than whether he interrupted your email about a tie, and whether he was to be interrupted in return (yes, regardless of body language etc).
> 
> I don't think the questions to be asking are whether or not he had a problem with you pausing his movie.
> 
> To really gain understanding of him, if you indeed want to, would be to first abandon your own 'positioning' and start asking broader questions and having frank conversations about where your relationship is at. And be prepared to listen. Yes, you have needs too, I'm not saying it's all about him. You're the one who's posting though, so it tends to become about what you can do.


Thanks heartsbeating. Could you clarify what you mean by this a little further?

Especially the broader questioning.

For the most part we have a happy marriage in my opinion. It's just moments like these that come up infrequently that really suck the life out of me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> Thanks heartsbeating. Could you clarify what you mean by this a little further?
> 
> Especially the broader questioning.
> 
> For the most part we have a happy marriage in my opinion. It's just moments like these that come up infrequently that really suck the life out of me.


I'm not a therapist (obviously!) so I don't have specific suggestions on how or what broader questions you might need to consider .....how helpful was that?! < This is why I write on here instead of sitting on a comfy leather arm chair and charging for my time. 

Reading your other post, it seems there are things that are going on, that if left to continue in the way that they are, are likely going to contribute to a less than ideal dynamic between you. The cracks are usually slow to form. Maybe it's just time to start considering where you're both at and scratching beneath the surface.

You'll need to find your own way on that journey. It doesn't mean you don't have a "happy" marriage. I think you'll find many couples that are in love and content within their marriages here, but it still takes continued awareness, learning about one another and your own growth. Dig?


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

heartsbeating, it might be worth an update. 

I just read the post from 2010...such a long time ago.

My husband and I did separate soon after that. A few months later we went to a very good counsellor. What was highlighted was the fact that my boundaries were too flexible and the relationship was very one sided balancing higher in favour of my husbands needs.

Along with the 4 horseman, emotional abuse and the need for time out when things got heated.

Since counselling our relationship has improved 100 fold and as I mentioned we are very happy for the most part now. 

These types of arguments are infrequent by they are damaging and it does serve as a reminder sometimes to go back to basics.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> heartsbeating, it might be worth an update.
> 
> I just read the post from 2010...such a long time ago.
> 
> ...


Oh I hadn't read the post from 2010 - I didn't know your history. I was referring to the post in the Ladies Lounge where you shared a perspective to one of the men asking how he could help his wife to feel sexier. 

It's great to hear your relationship has improved 100 fold and no doubt you learned a lot for yourself from the counseling. 

The reminders are needed - particularly about the 4 Horseman. There are a couple of simple articles in the "Long Term Success in Marriage" about some of the main components to a healthy relationship. It's written simply yet if you let the points simmer in your mind, it will no doubt translate to your every day and how important they are.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> I was referring to the post in the Ladies Lounge where you shared a perspective to one of the men asking how he could help his wife to feel sexier.


Not a good day for me to be handing out advice.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> Not a good day for me to be handing out advice.


Maybe it actually was the right day for you though.....nothing wrong with venting, it helps get it out of your head and when you see it as words in front of you, often helps make it clearer. Others can then offer their take and it might be the very thing that YOU need.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Ya'll are both way too highstrung.........I can't fathom eithe scenario ever being a issue in a million years. Both of ya'll chill out have fun, bend don't break, smile


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Pick your battles carefully. This is advice for both of you. Life is short. What value will this little spat have throughout that life. I don't know how long ya'll have been together but take it from me; somethings are better off ignored and not even addressed at least in the moment. 

Make a point to ignore each others little misdeeds and only go after high value targets, if you will. After 37 years with my W this is a lesson we learned a long time ago and have had a fairy tale relationship ever since.

Good luck


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

This arguement is rooted in your spouse not feeling like he is a priority of yours, but you expecting him to make you a priority. You should always make those small moments when your spouse requests them, unless in an emergency situation, I highly doubt your email couldn't have waited ten seconds for you to give him your opinion on the tie. Think about other ways you have done similar situations... he wouldn't have blown up if this wasn't a reocurring theme in your marriage.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

llln, it is not a recurring theme in our marriage, however the constantly requiring my immediate attention is.

He has now admitted he did this to pay me back and has apologised. 

Yes, he felt rejected because I didn't drop my email instantly. I had good reason. At that point I was working calculations in 4 currencies and had just performed one of those calculations that was to go into an email. I was halfway through that sentence and he admits it was wrong to be so annoyed that I didn't stop immediately and in hindsight knows it was wrong.

My husband has a problem with needing instant gratification and on this it was fair that he should have waited.

The bigger issue is his feeling rejected over something like this. 

For the most part we have a happy marriage but little things like this rear their ugly head sometimes and it's usually a symptom of something else he is feeling but not saying. 

He has obviously stewed on this quietly for weeks instead of talking about it and when he did talk about it it was done in a vindictive way, which resolved nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like the two of you have gotten over this bump.

Since he has this need for you to pay immediate attention, I wonder if the two of you can come up with a signal. When you are doing something like you were with email and currency calculations just give him the signal. And he has to agree that when he gives you the signal he will go into patients mode. And he can use it with you as well. 

One signal that came to mind is the sign for "I Love You". Do a google search for the image of it. 1m1r ... open hand, two middle fingers down.

So when you are telling him you need a moment to finish what you are doing, you are also telling him that you love him.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

The signal I sent was pretty clear...'hold on a few seconds', but I really like yours. Thanks. 

You've given me some great food for thought.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Bambusa,

As I read through your thread, a different meaning behind your husband's complait came to me, and while there is no way to know if this was what he was really voicing when he said that there are different standards between the two of you, I really think the approach can possibly help you to look deeper into conflicts, and try to see what is really being said.

After being married for a number of years, and after a similar argument, something that is really pretty insignificant compared to the love we share in our marriage, the words that I heard often in my youth came back to me. It was just a common theme within the small, native american community where I lived. When a person starts an argument, you can listen to their words, but you should also listen for the words of their spirit. I'm really talking about some inner hurt that your husband was possibly harboring, which led him to latch on to this example and say that the two of you have differing standards in the marriage. Normally, if his mind is happy and content with the marriage, you have to admit that he would be more likely to just let little things like this go. 

So, what I'm suggesting is to look at what he is saying, but also look deeper at what he is FEELING in every argument like this. You are only addressing this particular instance, and like a lawyer in a legal defense hearing before a judge, you are building evidence to show that his claim should be dismissed, if the allegory makes any sense.

I understand that this could completely miss the mark, but let me propose what your husband might really be saying when he brought up this argument. He FELT that that you value your own need to have a question answered higher than you value his need in similar situations. Maybe he thinks you have different expectations for him than you hold yourself to. From your words, though, you sound like a person who puts a lot of thought into treating your husband fairly, compared to how you are treated by him. He could be completely wrong in his feelings, but this wasn't effectively discussed, because the argument was largely about his tie and the question you asked while he had his headphones in.

My point here is to try to look at arguments at two levels. What is he saying at the moment (this particular argument), and what is he really saying about how he feels (considering how you expect to be treated by him versus how you treat him, or whatever he is really feeling)?

Consider how much time you spent in talking about the hand signals you did or did not give before answering a question. Consider how the two of you discussed your email, versus his choice of tie in the argument, or how you proved rationally and logically that the two incidences did not meet acceptable criteria to be compared equally. I'd suggest that simply assuring him that you did not mean to give him the impression that you don't value his feelings could have gotten to the root of the problem, and could've settled the argument once and for all. Instead, if he still has a lingering feeling that he is not valued as highly as you expect to be valued by him, he'll keep looking for examples to bring up this argument over and over again.

My wife and I gradually learned to get better at looking past the particular example, and into the wounded spirit, or feelings beneath it. It taught us to address why it was so easy to look for excuses to argue, and to address these unanswered questions instead.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're both being less considerate of each other than you ought to. 

Pulling his earphone out and pausing his movie, instead of waiting for him to do so is both crass and rude! Would you have liked it if he lifted your hands off the keyboard and turned your chair toward him? No. Doesn't matter whether you think your task was more important; you don't get to be the judge of that because he isn't your tool or puppet. In the same way, he doesn't get to decide whether what you're doing is unimportant enough to interrupt. You are both being rude to each other.

I think you were way out of line and need to think about mutual respect (and maybe he does, too).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Your husband was just wrong. You only asked that he wait a minute as you finished with a train of thought. Waiting for the movie to be over could have lasted 2 hours. There is a big difference between being asked to wait a minute and waiting 2 hours. Your husband also did not ask you to wait a minute. Your husband is being dishonest when he tries to make it as if the two very different things are the same. Also, he is ignoring the many times you let him interrupt you because you are not deep in thought. He is not trying to communicate but is trying to win. Since that is his goal you are wasting your time trying to use logic as he does not want to understand.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

Halien said:


> Bambusa,
> 
> As I read through your thread, a different meaning behind your husband's complait came to me, and while there is no way to know if this was what he was really voicing when he said that there are different standards between the two of you, I really think the approach can possibly help you to look deeper into conflicts, and try to see what is really being said.
> 
> ...


Halien you are incredibly spot on. 

I am a very logical, very factual person. I try to analyse things objectively. When working or making everyday decisions I need facts to bring me to a conclusion. On most occasions I can articulate how I am feeling very well and pinpoint exactly what my problem is. It's the way my brain is wired. 

My husband is a little bit different. He doesn't articulate his thoughts so well and he can bend the truth to achieve his agenda. Sometimes I think he believes the point he is trying to make IS actually what he means but he hasn't analysed it enough to work out if that really is the problem or the symptom.

It is not often that either of us get upset like that and most days it's water off a ducks back. Occasionally though and in this case, he brought up something that was bothering him in a way that both frustrated me and left me feeling attacked (because I knew the issue he raised was unfair and that there must be something else to it but he insisted there wasn't). 

The root problem was his feelings of rejection and his state of mind over the past few weeks (stressed with work).


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

TRy said:


> Your husband was just wrong. You only asked that he wait a minute as you finished with a train of thought. Waiting for the movie to be over could have lasted 2 hours. There is a big difference between being asked to wait a minute and waiting 2 hours. Your husband also did not ask you to wait a minute. Your husband is being dishonest when he tries to make it as if the two very different things are the same. Also, he is ignoring the many times you let him interrupt you because you are not deep in thought. He is not trying to communicate but is trying to win. Since that is his goal you are wasting your time trying to use logic as he does not want to understand.


Try, you are spot on there too.

He has admitted the two were not the same situations and that he was point scoring. He admits that he had given me the all clear to interrupt.

There were other issues in play that he didn't articulate too well and at the end of the day it's not about scoring a win, but about repairing the relationship.

Neither of us handled the situation well. You live and you learn.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Ah... maybe you need to request of him that he not hold things in, and talk to you about them when they first start to bother him, that way resentment does not build. This is something my husband requested of me, and the difference is astounding because I am less upset when I just talk to him about it inititally then if I stew on it (like your husband does). I used to be of the mindset that i needed to think about things, see if it really mattered, however, i have anxiety and that woudl make things worse and by the time I did bring it up, it was magnified. I would talk to him and make this simple request and in return, ask him if there is anything you can do for him to make your relationship better. I did the same and have been getting what I requested from my husband and we are both so much more happier, and like you said, they were little things, however, little things can often magnify or add up and become something big


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

llln, I think that is exactly it, mix that with, he often can't put his finger on what part of something has actually upset him. Instead of sitting down and discussing it rationally and maybe analysing it together, in this instance he waited for an opportunity to pay me back, instead of talking to me and working through it together. Instead of just walking away and giving both of us some time to think about it, I took the bait and bit back and it escalated from there.

We worked through it in the end. I just wish we could have done it without the long winded fight.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

So tired so I gotta make it short. Is that a realistic expectation to fit within the framework of how a man works?

Next time try a different approach. If you can't wait for him to stop the movie, flash him. Then you'll get his attention and he probably won't remember the last time you made him wait.

No brain activity required on his part.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

WillK said:


> So tired so I gotta make it short. Is that a realistic expectation to fit within the framework of how a man works?
> 
> Next time try a different approach. If you can't wait for him to stop the movie, flash him. Then you'll get his attention and he probably won't remember the last time you made him wait.
> 
> No brain activity required on his part.


Bwahahaha!

Thanks for the laugh. I'll apply that to future interruptions.

The interruption it turns out wasn't the issue. It was the feeling of rejection when I asked him to wait.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Bambusa said:


> Bwahahaha!
> 
> Thanks for the laugh. I'll apply that to future interruptions.
> 
> The interruption it turns out wasn't the issue. It was the feeling of rejection when I asked him to wait.


Well for that issue, us guys are at an unfair disadvantage. A woman fan whip out her boobs anytime and a guy will be immediately fixated. For the guys, it works against us as an attention getting device if used at a time we're not getting attention.

But I think my suggestion adresses the issue anyway. As I said, if you had grabbed his attention by flashing your husband, he would have had his memory wiped clean of your past transgressions.

Just remember: this is a great power, and with great power comes great responsibility. In this case, I think there are two implications. First, because you have been made aware of this power, you must use it wisely. Second, when you use this power, thou shall not give thy husband the blue balls.

Your husband will become empowered too, so he must be responsible with his new powers and give you the attention you ask for.

I think you'll both find this viscious circle a bit more enjoyable.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

WillK said:


> As I said, if you had grabbed his attention by flashing your husband, he would have had his memory wiped clean of your past transgressions.


hahaha I will have to mention this one to my husband. I've no doubt he'll jump online quick smart to thank you himself.


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## kuteguy (Jun 15, 2012)

OP - sounds like you did everything right. Simple.


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## Oatmeal (Mar 30, 2012)

This sounds a lot like a dynamic my wife and I have sometimes. We are both fairly bright, but she is much smarter and more analytical than me with a fantastic memory. When we argue she tends to get very logical and want to break down exactly what happened and hash out every small detail. Much like your first post with the paragraphs and paragraphs about how important your email was and how complex the thought process was.

A few years ago when I started being fairly unhappy and we were arguing often, I decided that I hated this dynamic. It was not fair IMO for her to "win" every argument because she could beat me verbally like a lawyer. I came out of each argument feeling unfulfilled with my feelings unacknowledged. I realized that it didn't matter who would "win". In order for us to get along, we had to both have our feelings heard.

So I switched the way I argued and I stopped allowing arguments to be about these little facts. It drove my wife crazy for awhile, but I am much happier.

This was about your husband's feelings not being respected. When he says he is hurt...believe him. Don't argue with him about whether it is reasonable to feel hurt. Just acknowledging the feeling doesn't mean you have to do anything different.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> llln, I think that is exactly it, mix that with, he often can't put his finger on what part of something has actually upset him. Instead of sitting down and discussing it rationally and maybe analysing it together, in this instance he waited for an opportunity to pay me back, instead of talking to me and working through it together. Instead of just walking away and giving both of us some time to think about it, I took the bait and bit back and it escalated from there.
> 
> We worked through it in the end. I just wish we could have done it without the long winded fight.


Consider that asking him to talk it out with you may be something he feels he can't do. From an earlier post:



> I am a very logical, very factual person. I try to analyse things objectively. When working or making everyday decisions I need facts to bring me to a conclusion. On most occasions I can articulate how I am feeling very well and pinpoint exactly what my problem is. It's the way my brain is wired.
> 
> My husband is a little bit different. He doesn't articulate his thoughts so well and he can bend the truth to achieve his agenda. Sometimes I think he believes the point he is trying to make IS actually what he means but he hasn't analysed it enough to work out if that really is the problem or the symptom.


From the above, I can imagine that he feels you run circles around him when discussing feelings. He states a feeling, and you start prodding to understand the facts. He feels attacked, because he has not figured out the underlying facts for his feelings. You want facts, he can't give them, he feels you dismiss his feeling and perhas are attaching him, you feel like he is attacking you for no reason and his feelings are not justified. If that dynamic ever occurs, he will be unlikely to come to you without having facts in hand to support his feelings.

I am not saying this is intentional or that you are being mean, only noting a dynamic that could cause him to avoid raising this with you. Be aware of it.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Bambusa said:


> hahaha I will have to mention this one to my husband. I've no doubt he'll jump online quick smart to thank you himself.


I love how the likes I'm getting from that post are coming from women.

Long ago my wife used to flash me and I loved it. I never paid enough attention to why she did it to notice if it had anything to do with anything. I'm guessing it gets a little harder to get it in with kids, but she's been slipping some quick little flirty sexual things in here and there lately. The fact she does it in spite of not wanting to get caught by the kids kind of makes it that much more exciting.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ it's called a booby trap!


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

Oatmeal, I do analyse things. Ever since I was a kid, I've needed to pull things apart and put them back together to understand how they work. It's how my brain is wired and how I process things. 

It's not about winning. I NEED to process it that way to be able to understand it.

My husband old communication style was to criticise, gaslight and use smoke and mirrors, emotional abuse, change facts, go off on tangents and use every weapon he has at his disposal to derail the communication until he came away on top. MC worked wonders with that, but every now and again a little bit of that creeps back in when we're discussing a topic and it's a huge trigger for me.

My husband raised an issue, that it turns out was not really the issue. It wasn't about shooting him down. I honestly didn't understand where it was coming from and it left me feeling confused and blindsided. 

He is stressed at work and feeling vulnerable, he's held on to a hangover of something from weeks ago. He expressed his pent up feelings by doing something vindictive and tossed in a minute spattering of the old argumental style to which I retaliated in the old way. Those sorts of things have a habit of not ending well.

It's over and done with and we've both learned something again.

Tall Average Guy. He can talk. He has absolutely no problems with talking. What he doesn't seem to be able to do is analyse what's really bothering him at times. It's not a failure to say it, it's a failure to understand what it is himself.

TAG, on your second paragraph I think you probably have something. 

WillK, my husband thanks you and asked how soon we can start implementing. 

Hahaha heartsbeating.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Bambusa said:


> It's over and done with and we've both learned something again.
> 
> Tall Average Guy. He can talk. He has absolutely no problems with talking. What he doesn't seem to be able to do is analyse what's really bothering him at times. It's not a failure to say it, it's a failure to understand what it is himself.
> 
> TAG, on your second paragraph I think you probably have something.


This is my wife and I, except with me in your shoes. I caused a lot of problems by not backing off and letting her have her say. She felt attacked and dismissed, even though that was not my intent.

What has worked for us is me letting her talk. At most, I asked some very generally questions (typically open ended) and then listened. I don't get into details unless she really wants to. Most of the time, I have found she does not, as her complaints are more general in nature. Sometimes, I repeat back what I understand the issue to be. 

Once I "get it", I respond in a couple of different manners. Sometime, I apologize right away if I see where I have truly done something wrong. Othertimes, I will tell her that while I understand she is upset, it was something that I needed to do. Other times, I just tell her I will think about it.

What I have found is that as I have adopted this approach, she has had fewer complaints. I am guessing that as she feels listened to, she is perhaps giving me a bit more benefit of the doubt in our interactions. Almost like a positive feedback cycle.

Hope this helps and best of luck.


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