# How to cope with spouse's Facebook connection?



## distant413 (Sep 23, 2010)

On one hand it's sad to see how technology has negatively impacted relationships, but on the other, I'm so glad I'm not alone.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have children, the youngest of which are 8 month old twins. A year ago after coming home from the hospital from a scare during my pregnancy, I found an open email with correspondence between my H and an ex-girlfriend from high school that he found thru Facebook and that was more than just friendly. It was bothersome, but I was in no position to really fight, but I skated around the issue which he then denied any "emotional infidelity". We have had issues in the past where I've been portrayed as the "moral police" and hypocritical as it relates to boundaries/online porn photos and chat rooms, when I brought magazines into our home to assist with the infertility procedures to conceive the twins. I feel like magazines are one thing, but having contact with a live person (which 9 years ago I caught him on the phone in a sexual conversation and late nite porn/chat sessions.)

Anyway...the babies were born, but I had a nagging feeling that something was still going on. I found more emails that showed that they were communicating daily and were becoming more and more entangled. I asked him questions that I knew the answers to and he continued to lie. RAther than continue being lied to, I hacked into his computer and saw the whole sordid relationship unfold. We've had many arguments about his wrongness for what he did (I don't think anything physical happened even though he went out of town to visit a friend and invited her to come along.) and my wrongness in hacking.

We haven't discussed it much for the last 3 months, but I still secretly check his computer and I know he still communicates with her. Not nearly to the degree as before and nothing really sexual, but each day I grow more and more angry and I hate him for bringing this into our lives and knowing that he hasn't completely cut off communication, I guess because he feels he can control it. I know if I hadn't been pregnant, I would have handled things more forcefully and not felt compromised.

I want to ask him if he still communicates with her - no judgment, just to see if he tells the truth, but I'm afraid to bring it up again. I feel like I want reassurance, but I know it's just words and I don't feel like I can rely on that because he's lied before and what I'm looking for is that unspoken, rock-solid peace of trust. In the meantime, I'm growing more distant because I'm afraid the question is just going to fly out of my mouth. When he talks to me, I imagine what he's said to her. I just try to focus on the fact that we are doing what needs to be done for our children. Should I ask and just get it out in the open or try to work thru it on my own and with time?

Thanks for any input.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

dont know how sexual it really was, but even implied is too riskae for marr'd ppl.

u r tolerating far too much, tho' maybe H has some issues w/ u that u r not sharing w/ us here at TAM.

either way, two wrongs dont make it right applies.

u have to come to a place where u know what u must do or say should a) happen, or b) happens, or c) happens....and so on and so forth.

u must live w/ it or demand boundaries be agreed upon and honored by both of u.

see marriagebuilders.com and check their resources for more concrete ideas/methods.


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## distant413 (Sep 23, 2010)

To CB45,
We've had our struggles the main one being a blende and family because he had a son, but all that is fine now. He says what this episode had to do with was a distraction from the stress of the pregnancy, we also work together, he doesn't go out with friends much and is an involved father, so he figured it was just fantasy and "talk" and not real.

Well, it was way too real for my taste between IM cybersex and him telling her "he wanted their last sexual encounter to be a positive, sexy one" (which I confronted him on and he said that would have never happened). It was like he had something to prove...so many men cheat and he wanted to see if he could put himself in the middle of temptation and refrain. WTH?

Now the communication is how are your kids, how was your weekend,etc. but I still don't like it. Before he kept saying "It's done", but 1-it wasn't and 2-he made me feel bad like I was making him give up something or was being unreasonable. "I'm here with you, I married you, so it's not a big deal."

I just wish I didn't have to be the one to keep making this an issue out because I don't want it to be like I constantly have a problem and I'm the good one and he's the deviant.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Wife's EA began on Facebook. I was reading it all. Very harmless stuff similar to yours. (? Kids, work...?) 
It progressed to texting, then sexting, then physical... 
Demand that he go to councelling to understand your role and why he is stepping out, request letter to her ending all contact, and demand that the bull S*[email protected] end! 
If it hasn't been physical, it will become that way as soon as an opportunity presents itself (ie: a fight with you, emotional weakness with the other woman). 
Don't let it go there. I only wish I had this forum and this advise a year ago. The emotional torture at this point is far worse!


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

working it out is right. all too often, what starts out as innocent chatting can turn into sharing problems and even venting about problems within your marriage. This is not good at all.


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## Mulan4Peace (Oct 1, 2010)

It's truly a sad story and I feel for you. Having to deal w/ kids and and a wandering H. If you mishandle this situation, it could all go down. Your H is testing to see how much you can tolerate his crap. If you do not say anything about it, your life will be miserable while he's just enjoying. Why make your life miserable, why not his? So speak your mind, be frank with him. (Don't say the part about hacking tho.) 

Tell him you are working very hard to try to raise our kids and provide a warming atmosphere. (Name some of the things that you do in case he needs some reminding.) He's chatting w/ his ex is hurtful to you and he needs to be considerate of your feeling. What is the point of talking to your ex when you have a wife right now, unless you want your ex back? 

I've always been very uptight about exes myself. The x-bf that I have, we don't keep in touch at all (it's the past, why bring it up). Tell him that he needs to move forward and not backward. I'm just afraid that if you keep quiet about this, he might end up one day running back to his ex (hence, leaving you all alone). Speaking up might be able to slap him up. Don't wait too long to say anything. If your husband love you, he will be considerate of your feelings. If he doesn't, he will ignore what you say completely. That's when you get even. Find some time to do your own things w/ your friends. Don't let your kids be a weakness to you. Be strong. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless he's a dunce, he knows you have the skills to find whatever he writes on FB. If he wanted to be carrying on torrid communication with her, if he has a brain, he would have found another medium. He's still talking to her on FB but nothing sexual. One of them has lost interest in the other. If she's posting and he's only politely replying, that tells you who lost interest in whom.
You may be trying to kill something that already died of natural causes. You have him. You have his babies. You are in the driver's seat. I think the only thing you might achieve by letting him know you're still snooping is to weaken your own position. If he wants to fool around, he'll find a way. I would just concentrate on reminding him which side of his bread is buttered.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

YOU were in the hospital for a pregnancy related scare, yet HE'S the one who needs some distraction? Think about that one.

It's only "snooping" if they are doing something wrong and don't want to be caught. 

He's making it out like you are the issue here, but the real problem is that he is lying in order to secretly maintain this relationship with his ex. You need to talk to him and be firm - don't let him push the blame back onto you - you have done nothing wrong.

And yes - there is a huge difference between magazines and live sex via chat or phone.


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## distant413 (Sep 23, 2010)

@Everyone,
Thanks for helping me to put things into perspective. Just wanted to clarify...they got in contact due to Facebook, but all the correspondence has been via email and phone. As I'm writing this, this is sounding crazier and crazier that I have accepted any blame in this. Ok...maybe the hacking part and I wouldn't have normally reacted that way, but I didn't feel like I was getting the truth about the innocence of the correspondence and I was right. But since I did it, it's like he keeps holding that over my head (two wrongs kinds of thing). 

I do believe that men and women can be friends, but deep down I know it's playing with fire if there's been intimacy in the past and especially if it's flirted with or even discussed in the present.

Crazy, but I feel like our having a teenage son is making him come to terms with his own adolescence. Well, that's not my problem. When my girls are teenagers, I don't expect to get in contact to right the wrongs or dig up my past boyfriends. Maybe things are too comfortable here...Not to say I'm wanting to vastly change things, but I think there's a point in doing things on my own and my college reunion is coming up and we'll see how he handles me pursuing staying in a hotel to catch up with old friends since I don't normally travel alone for personal or business reasons.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

It has been written here that: " in any relationship Privacy is when you go to the bathroom , Secrecy is deceit. ". Do not give him the opportunity to lie. Put it all on the table. You shouldn't have to "hack" his accounts, nor him yours. Insist on full disclosure-access to email, phone records, passwords, etc. 

You have a history in your marriage, of him cheating on the relationship-sex chats, porn, etc. You need full access to proof that he isn't cheating. If he can't do that....he has something to hide. If you don't deal with it, if you don't let your feelings be known, your marriage will slowly fade away.


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## distant413 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks, Workin'. I've got to get this out. Otherwise it's a game of fooling each other or fooling myself into believing it doesn't matter.


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