# Husband is accusing me of overreacting



## MarriedWife

My husband took the virginity of a girl when they were younger. We've been together for 33 years. The other day I found out that he recently told this girl that he's "always had the hots for her". That lead to them having private conversations multiple times daily and ultimately to them having phone sex. 

I was so hurt that I screamed, cried, said hurtful things to him, etc. We had some unresolved issues in our marriage but that was a major betrayal to me.

He says I overreacted and he wouldn't have reacted like that. I said I don't believe him and he should put his money where his mouth is. We both agreed to me going on a dating site so I could have private conversations with another man, and possibly phone sex too, just so he could feel that hurt.

I don't want to do it but he's making light of how hurtful it feels. The only way for him to understand is to feel it too.

Would you react strongly under these circumstances?


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## jlg07

Yeah, he's full of it and trying to BS you.
I would not go on the dating site to be honest, 2 wrongs don't make a right!.
You need to do what is right for YOU, not him. Phone sex is cheating. Carrying on over text is also cheating.
He's is TRYING to minimize this so that you will just be "OK, all is good now" so that you don't disrupt HIS life.


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## MarriedWife

jlg07 said:


> Yeah, he's full of it and trying to BS you.
> I would not go on the dating site to be honest, 2 wrongs don't make a right!.
> You need to do what is right for YOU, not him. Phone sex is cheating. Carrying on over text is also cheating.
> He's is TRYING to minimize this so that you will just be "OK, all is good now" so that you don't disrupt HIS life.


Thank you for saying that. I've been gaslighted by him so many times that I can't even trust my own judgement anymore.


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## leftfield

I answered other. I would not put up with this at all. I would simply tell my SO to go be with the person they want and don't bother coming back. 

I refuse to let someone treat me as poorly as your husband is treating you.


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## Hopeful Cynic

MarriedWife said:


> My husband took the virginity of a girl when they were younger. We've been together for 33 years. The other day I found out that he recently told this girl that he's "always had the hots for her". That lead to them having private conversations multiple times daily and ultimately to them having phone sex.
> 
> I was so hurt that I screamed, cried, said hurtful things to him, etc. We had some unresolved issues in our marriage but that was a major betrayal to me.
> 
> He says I overreacted and he wouldn't have reacted like that. I said I don't believe him and he should put his money where his mouth is. *We both agreed to me going on a dating site so I could have private conversations with another man, and possibly phone sex too, just so he could feel that hurt.
> 
> I don't want to do it but he's making light of how hurtful it feels. The only way for him to understand is to feel it too.*
> 
> Would you react strongly under these circumstances?


Don't do it. It's not going to accomplish the goal.

First, it won't pack the right sense of betrayal because you are doing it with his encouragement not behind his back.

Second, that's kind of hurtful to whatever random man you speak to. Online dating already has enough people going on just to use other people. Don't add to it.

Third, your husband is clearly not the kind of person who cares. The reaction you wanted is for him to realize he was an idiot, figure out why he behaved that way, and change it, out of love for you. All he did was accuse you of overreacting, deflecting the situation onto you. He's made you defensive, and you fell for it. The problem is NOT your reaction to his behaviour, it's HIS BEHAVIOUR.


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## MarriedWife

He JUST said he should be allowed to still talk to her as a female friend.

Why can't I get up the courage to kick him out? 33 years means nothing to him.


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## Livvie

I would totally, 100 percent divorce over this.


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## MarriedWife

Livvie said:


> I would totally, 100 percent divorce over this.


I tried to kick him out but he won't leave.


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## Diana7

MarriedWife said:


> My husband took the virginity of a girl when they were younger. We've been together for 33 years. The other day I found out that he recently told this girl that he's "always had the hots for her". That lead to them having private conversations multiple times daily and ultimately to them having phone sex.
> 
> I was so hurt that I screamed, cried, said hurtful things to him, etc. We had some unresolved issues in our marriage but that was a major betrayal to me.
> 
> He says I overreacted and he wouldn't have reacted like that. I said I don't believe him and he should put his money where his mouth is. We both agreed to me going on a dating site so I could have private conversations with another man, and possibly phone sex too, just so he could feel that hurt.
> 
> I don't want to do it but he's making light of how hurtful it feels. The only way for him to understand is to feel it too.
> 
> Would you react strongly under these circumstances?


I would absolutely react strongly to this, he has cheated on you. Personally I would not go onto a dating site and have phone sex with another man, I would just say that what you did is wrong and it cheating. If he honestly thinks that what he did is ok, I may question staying in the marriage.


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## Diana7

MarriedWife said:


> I tried to kick him out but he won't leave.


You can start divorce proceedings.


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## Diana7

MarriedWife said:


> He JUST said he should be allowed to still talk to her as a female friend.
> 
> Why can't I get up the courage to kick him out? 33 years means nothing to him.


After what they did, she isnt just a friend. Also its not just talking is it. If he refuses to stop then I cant see the point in carrying on with the marriage.


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## MarriedWife

Diana7 said:


> After what they did, she isnt just a friend. Also its not just talking is it. If he refuses to stop then I cant see the point in carrying on with the marriage.


I agree. He's watching his step because he's afraid of the divorce and how it will affect him.


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## LisaDiane

MarriedWife said:


> I agree. He's watching his step because he's afraid of the divorce and how it will affect him.


You need to speak to a lawyer...


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## DownByTheRiver

MarriedWife said:


> I tried to kick him out but he won't leave.


He will have to leave once the divorce is final or even before then if you decide to file. It's not up to him.


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## Blondilocks

Tell him that you'll ask your kids, relatives and friends if they think you're overreacting. Watch how he loses his **** then.

You can also ask her kids etc. She knows he's married. The skank.


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## Young at Heart

MarriedWife said:


> My husband took the virginity of a girl when they were younger. We've been together for 33 years. .....That lead to them having private conversations multiple times daily and ultimately to them having phone sex.
> 
> I was so hurt that I screamed, cried, said hurtful things to him, etc. *We had some unresolved issues in our marriage but that was a major betrayal to me.*
> 
> He says I overreacted and he wouldn't have reacted like that. *I said I don't believe him and he should put his money where his mouth is. We both agreed to me going on a dating site* so I could have private conversations with another man, and possibly phone sex too, just so he could feel that hurt.


Let's be honest two wrongs don't make a right. Also your joint money would be much better spent on marriage counseling than on dating apps or phone sex.

My advice is understand that you both said silly things. You should have never suggested you go on a dating site and have phone sex. Now apologize and tell him you are sorry, but it triggered fears in you and you want to go to marriage counseling to work on your marriage.

Yes, what he did was wrong, but first, it is probably a fantasy he has had for a long long time and his fantasy date probably looks nothing like his vision of her. Forgive him, tell yourself he would dump her in a heart beat and then work on your marriage of 33 years.

Good luck


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## Blondilocks

Good grief!


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## SunCMars

Sometimes going back to the way it was, is farther than any healthy legs can carry you.

Dishonest elections have consequences, so do dishonest erections.


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## Bobby5000

Someone suggested this was just a mistake but in that case, he would apologize, and be committed to not doing it again and recognizing the harm it caused. Check if he's really to do that and if not, then you need to speak with a lawyer. Legally, unfortunately no one is allowed to kick out the other spouse though.


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## MarriedWife

LisaDiane said:


> You need to speak to a lawyer...


I plan to on Monday.


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## MarriedWife

DownByTheRiver said:


> He will have to leave once the divorce is final or even before then if you decide to file. It's not up to him.


I'm not sure that's the law in my state. Our children are adults too.


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## MarriedWife

Blondilocks said:


> Tell him that you'll ask your kids, relatives and friends if they think you're overreacting. Watch how he loses his **** then.
> 
> You can also ask her kids etc. She knows he's married. The skank.


Yes, she knows he's married but is a widow and wanted to hook a man. I know it won't last and I know he'll regret losing me. But he chose to remain "friends" with her so it's over.


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## LisaDiane

MarriedWife said:


> I plan to on Monday.


GREAT!! Good luck!


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## Diana7

Young at Heart said:


> Let's be honest two wrongs don't make a right. Also your joint money would be much better spent on marriage counseling than on dating apps or phone sex.
> 
> My advice is understand that you both said silly things. You should have never suggested you go on a dating site and have phone sex. Now apologize and tell him you are sorry, but it triggered fears in you and you want to go to marriage counseling to work on your marriage.
> 
> Yes, what he did was wrong, but first, it is probably a fantasy he has had for a long long time and his fantasy date probably looks nothing like his vision of her. Forgive him, tell yourself he would dump her in a heart beat and then work on your marriage of 33 years.
> 
> Good luck


Oh thats ok then, as long as it was a fantasy its not as bad? Right. He also doesn't need to stop the contact with her, or to appologise or to even admit that it was wrong. Okaaaaay. She however has to work on the marriage, say sorry, and forgive him. 😕😒🥴


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## Diana7

MarriedWife said:


> Yes, she knows he's married but is a widow and wanted to hook a man. I know it won't last and I know he'll regret losing me. But he chose to remain "friends" with her so it's over.


You are right to set these firm boundaries with him or it will just carry on. His attitude sucks.


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## MarriedWife

Young at Heart said:


> Let's be honest two wrongs don't make a right. Also your joint money would be much better spent on marriage counseling than on dating apps or phone sex.
> 
> My advice is understand that you both said silly things. You should have never suggested you go on a dating site and have phone sex. Now apologize and tell him you are sorry, but it triggered fears in you and you want to go to marriage counseling to work on your marriage.
> 
> Yes, what he did was wrong, but first, it is probably a fantasy he has had for a long long time and his fantasy date probably looks nothing like his vision of her. Forgive him, tell yourself he would dump her in a heart beat and then work on your marriage of 33 years.
> 
> Good luck


He said he's entitled to have a female friend and he is still talking to her. If he cannot stop the affair, then there's no working it out. She sent him pictures this morning and then they talked for hours. It's done, no matter how bad that hurts.


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## Kamstel2

Think the big difference is that you will be doing it with a complete stranger that you will not meet. He not only did it with someone he knows, but someone who he was initiate with 

Tell him that you are going to change things up a bit. Tell him you are going to reconnect both online and later on the phone with an old boyfriend or someone you had a crush on, and that husband has met in person before!

and then After the phone sex with the old boyfriend/crush, start Closing your eyes when you are having sex with your husband. And the 5th or 6th time you that you are having sex with your husband, call outold boyfriend’s/crushes name.

Good luck


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## DownByTheRiver

MarriedWife said:


> I'm not sure that's the law in my state. Our children are adults too.


Which is why you have to get an attorney. But once you file for divorce and get it all done legal he has to leave obviously and if he does anything and gets pushy you can get a restraining order.


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## MarriedWife

Kamstel2 said:


> Think the big difference is that you will be doing it with a complete stranger that you will not meet. He not only did it with someone he knows, but someone who he was initiate with
> 
> Tell him that you are going to change things up a bit. Tell him you are going to reconnect both online and later on the phone with an old boyfriend or someone you had a crush on, and that husband has met in person before!
> 
> and then After the phone sex with the old boyfriend/crush, start Closing your eyes when you are having sex with your husband. And the 5th or 6th time you that you are having sex with your husband, call outold boyfriend’s/crushes name.
> 
> Good luck


Since he won't stop talking to her, I have decided to file for a divorce.


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## 3Xnocharm

MarriedWife said:


> He said he's entitled to have a female friend and he is still talking to her. If he cannot stop the affair, then there's no working it out. She sent him pictures this morning and then they talked for hours. It's done, no matter how bad that hurts.


This is disgusting and out of line. If I were you, I would keep at him about him getting out of your house. This level of disrespect is in no way acceptable! Tell his family what he is up to and make sure you talk to that lawyer. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver

In the meantime you could move him into another bedroom and put everything from your bedroom in there that he needs or that belongs to him
And then put a lock on the inside of the door so in case he starts getting threatening. And you won't have to worry about him coming in there.


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## MarriedWife

3Xnocharm said:


> This is disgusting and out of line. If I were you, I would keep at him about him getting out of your house. This level of disrespect is in no way acceptable! Tell his family what he is up to and make sure you talk to that lawyer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


His family coddled him and he can do no wrong in their eyes. I plan to see a lawyer Monday.


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## DownByTheRiver

Good. Then he shouldn't mind moving back in with them.


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## Kamstel2

would you like some good news????

Making the decision to file is the toughest part of the process. 

So, congratulations on refusing to remain in the hell he put you in!!! Congratulations on refusing to allow yourself to remain to the torturous state of Limbo!!

yes, there are still bumps in the road ahead of you. But you will get over them! And the old cliche is true about time healing all wounds. The pain will get less and less each day. Oh, there will be days that it feels like you are going backwards, but those days will become less and less as time goes by, and the time between bad days will become longer and longer!!

I can tell you that looking back at the last 2 1/2 years sincemy discovery, I do not regret a single thing about divorcing her!!!! My new life is fantastic!!!

so, head up! Shoulders back! And walk straight out of the Hell he has created. You are leaving that Hell, but his own Hell is aboutto start!
And if you want to maximize his shock, don’t tell him what you are doing. Just have him served!!


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## Kamstel2

The kids will surely attempt to pressure you. Simply look at them and ask them what they would do if their spouse had an affair and refused to break contact with their lover?

Don’t talk to the kids about the affair. Just tell them that you refuse to talk to them about their father’s affair.

don’t hesitate to tell others that he had and continues to have an affair! Your family and friends will want to help you, they just may be hesitant to do so out of fear of Being viewed of sticking Their nose into your business. Tell them that their help will not only be needed in the near future, but that you will be greatly appreciative for it!!!

YOU are in the driver’s seat!! You are in control! Once he realizes what he is losing, he may start to change his tune. He might be willing to promise you anything and everything!!! When he does, you will have some decisions to make. The biggest one will be what is in YOUR best interest!

stay strong and good luck!!


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## Kamstel2

I often say that a marriage is like a stool in that it stands on three legs. For marriage those 3 legs are love, respect, and trust 

sorry, but I don’t think you have a single one of these.

love: sorry, but would somebody who loves you, put you through such pain?, And once they discovered that they hurt you, wouldn’t they move heaven and earth to make it up to you and to take that pain away from you? He may say that he loves you, but I don’t think his definition of love is what most people would recognize as a true definition. 

Respect: he doesn’t respect you. If he did, he never would have come close to crossing that line. If he respected you, he wouldn’t be trading photos with a woman that he had sex with previously. It doesn’t matter if he was 18 years old when it happened or if it happened just prior to you meeting him. It’s inappropriate. And of course Him having phone sex. Unbelievable.

The only way it could be more disrespectful is if he had actual sex not only in your home, but on your bed.

Trust: I find it highly unlikely that you will ever fully trust him again. Anytime that you’re away from him, you’re going to be wondering if he is online chatting and Sexting her, Or, if he’s on the phone with her.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.


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## Evinrude58

Your husband is a vile, unrepentant cheater and as you have correctly surmised, is still cheating and doing it blatantly. You are right to divorce and I’m very sorry that it’s happened. On a positive note: you now have a chance to be with a man who values you.
I admire you for how you’ve handled it.


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## Laurentium

MarriedWife said:


> He said he's entitled to have a female friend


Oh, he's entitled all right!


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## Diana7

MarriedWife said:


> Since he won't stop talking to her, I have decided to file for a divorce.


I dont see what choice you have when he clearly isnt going to stop and isnt sorry or going to even admit that its not right.


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## RandomDude

MarriedWife said:


> *His family coddled him and he can do no wrong in their eyes.* I plan to see a lawyer Monday.


The F is wrong with people?!

Anyway coming late to this thread but I'm glad you have made the right decision. It's cheating, pure and simple.


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## MarriedWife

Kamstel2 said:


> I often say that a marriage is like a stool in that it stands on three legs. For marriage those 3 legs are love, respect, and trust
> 
> sorry, but I don’t think you have a single one of these.
> 
> love: sorry, but would somebody who loves you, put you through such pain?, And once they discovered that they hurt you, wouldn’t they move heaven and earth to make it up to you and to take that pain away from you? He may say that he loves you, but I don’t think his definition of love is what most people would recognize as a true definition.
> 
> Respect: he doesn’t respect you. If he did, he never would have come close to crossing that line. If he respected you, he wouldn’t be trading photos with a woman that he had sex with previously. It doesn’t matter if he was 18 years old when it happened or if it happened just prior to you meeting him. It’s inappropriate. And of course Him having phone sex. Unbelievable.
> 
> The only way it could be more disrespectful is if he had actual sex not only in your home, but on your bed.
> 
> Trust: I find it highly unlikely that you will ever fully trust him again. Anytime that you’re away from him, you’re going to be wondering if he is online chatting and Sexting her, Or, if he’s on the phone with her.
> 
> I wish you nothing but the best of luck.


I emailed this to him this morning and told him this sums up the truth. Thank you for posting this.


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## OddOne

What a narcissistic and entitled asshole. Stay the course. Hope you crush him in the divorce. Hey, that rhymes!


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## Nailhead

MarriedWife said:


> My husband took the virginity of a girl when they were younger. We've been together for 33 years. The other day I found out that he recently told this girl that he's "always had the hots for her". That lead to them having private conversations multiple times daily and ultimately to them having phone sex.
> 
> I was so hurt that I screamed, cried, said hurtful things to him, etc. We had some unresolved issues in our marriage but that was a major betrayal to me.
> 
> He says I overreacted and he wouldn't have reacted like that. I said I don't believe him and he should put his money where his mouth is. We both agreed to me going on a dating site so I could have private conversations with another man, and possibly phone sex too, just so he could feel that hurt.
> 
> I don't want to do it but he's making light of how hurtful it feels. The only way for him to understand is to feel it too.
> 
> Would you react strongly under these circumstances?


Your reaction is warranted. Do not lower yourself and online chat/phone sex like your H has. Your H needs counseling.


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## Insanity022

MarriedWife said:


> Thank you for saying that. I've been gaslighted by him so many times that I can't even trust my own judgement anymore.


I totally understand not trusting your own judgement - off an on for a year I thought I was crazy!! Cheating begins in the mind. He cheated. I am currently separated from a man I love(d) so very much, who physically cheated on me and who got caught in the end by falling asleep during sexting.... When asked what he was thinking by doing this, he says "...I had a wife at home that I loved, there was no emotional attachment in the cheating, so if I could live out a fantasy and then move on, then why not"... 
And now he doesn't understand why I wont take him back when he says he will never cheat again. He believes he loves me but he also believes that what he did was not such a big deal because he loved me.... what???? Some people can tell themselves something and then convince themselves of what they are saying. Your feelings are NOT over reacting... They are your feelings telling you that this is wrong for you! Believe your feelings. Trust them.


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## Miserable71

I'm in a close situation with you. I've been married 15 years and I found out recently that my wife had been talking to an ex-boyfriend that each lost their virginity together with. They had been talking for 3-4 months when I found out. From what she told me they never talked sexually though. Either way, I'm completely crushed. She claims she has quit talking to him, but how do you ever trust that? It took some work to get my mind and heart on the same page. That was helped along with the fine people on this website. I have officially filed for divorce and just waiting to have the judge sign, hopefully in December or January. Your situation is definitely a divorceable offense in my mind. I do agree with everyone else on not doing the dating site. Regardless of whether it bothers your husband or not, he would probably say it didn't just to still think he is in the right. My soon to be ex-wife initially said I was overreacting and being controlling, don't let him deflect things back on you.


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## Casual Observer

Miserable71 said:


> I'm in a close situation with you. I've been married 15 years and I found out recently that my wife had been talking to an ex-boyfriend that each lost their virginity together with. They had been talking for 3-4 months when I found out. From what she told me they never talked sexually though. Either way, I'm completely crushed. She claims she has quit talking to him, but how do you ever trust that? It took some work to get my mind and heart on the same page. That was helped along with the fine people on this website. I have officially filed for divorce and just waiting to have the judge sign, hopefully in December or January. Your situation is definitely a divorceable offense in my mind. I do agree with everyone else on not doing the dating site. Regardless of whether it bothers your husband or not, he would probably say it didn't just to still think he is in the right. My soon to be ex-wife initially said I was overreacting and being controlling, don't let him deflect things back on you.


The issue may be one of undiscussed boundaries, or violated boundaries. Is this the only reason for the divorce? 

My wife and I remain friends with the woman I lost my virginity to. I don't think my wife has ever felt threatened by her, but perhaps that's partly due to my wife's own previously-undeclared baggage. Don't know. Either way, I don't think it has to be the case that a wall has to be erected between a guy and his "first" after marriage. Boundaries, absolutely, and these need to be laid out pretty clearly. Fuzzy doesn't work.


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## Miserable71

This is the main re


Casual Observer said:


> The issue may be one of undiscussed boundaries, or violated boundaries. Is this the only reason for the divorce?
> 
> My wife and I remain friends with the woman I lost my virginity to. I don't think my wife has ever felt threatened by her, but perhaps that's partly due to my wife's own previously-undeclared baggage. Don't know. Either way, I don't think it has to be the case that a wall has to be erected between a guy and his "first" after marriage. Boundaries, absolutely, and these need to be laid out pretty clearly. Fuzzy doesn't work.


This is the main reason for our divorce. When I first found out, I wanted her to quit talking to the guy, and she refused. It took around 1-1/2 weeks before she would finally agree to quit talking to him. They were talking at least 5 out of 7 days for those 3-4 months. She says she didn't tell me because she knew it would bother me. There is more to the story, but at any rate, I just don't trust her anymore. I feel she plays fast and loose with words and what all has gone on. It isn't so much that they were each other's first, it is the fact that she covered it up and lied to me for months. That is a definite trust breaker and her actions made her look super guilty.


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## MarriedWife

Miserable71 said:


> This is the main re
> 
> This is the main reason for our divorce. When I first found out, I wanted her to quit talking to the guy, and she refused. It took around 1-1/2 weeks before she would finally agree to quit talking to him. They were talking at least 5 out of 7 days for those 3-4 months. She says she didn't tell me because she knew it would bother me. There is more to the story, but at any rate, I just don't trust her anymore. I feel she plays fast and loose with words and what all has gone on. It isn't so much that they were each other's first, it is the fact that she covered it up and lied to me for months. That is a definite trust breaker and her actions made her look super guilty.


I'm sorry for your pain. I agree with this about her actions. If she didn't feel you were going to be upset, why wouldn't she ask you how you felt about it? Why would she hide it instead?

I think the only thing important about the virginity is that they likely had an intimate bond because of it. Secretly talking to someone that you have an emotional bond with is an emotional affair.

Do I think your relationship could survive after this? Possibly. But it's up to you if you want to stay in a marriage where there's no trust. As long as you feel you will never trust her again, then it's probably better to rip the band-aid now.

I haven't filed yet but I did start to discuss the divorce details with my husband. We are calmly communicating now but there's still moments I want to verbally attack him. I just need time to process and not be hasty throwing away 33 years. It's easier to make a good decision when you're not in the midst of anger.

Good luck to you.


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## 3Xnocharm

You aren’t throwing away all those years... HE did that. And he should be on his knees begging and doing whatever it is you want and need in order to fix it. If he’s not, then you’re wasting your time. 


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## Evinrude58

You can stay married, but this incident won’t be his last. He’s even told you he’s not stopping. Steel yourself or stay in a relationship where you’ll always be second best—- and be treated that way.
Your husband is an unrepentant cheater.


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## Casual Observer

3Xnocharm said:


> You aren’t throwing away all those years... HE did that. *And he should be on his knees begging and doing whatever it is you want and need in order to fix it.* If he’s not, then you’re wasting your time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just be on guard that the begging and doing whatever being just a tad bit too well-rehearsed. He shouldn't know what he has to do. He should be frightened and scared, if there's a chance of repentance/redemption.


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