# Truly sad and sick



## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

Where do I start? I came home from a school field trip from South Carolina on Friday (I am a teacher at a local high school), and my wife had moved all of her things out of the house. I was and am still devastated. There are no other men, i asked and she has always been very honest with me. There really isn't the opportunity as we are always together with our kids. We have been married 7 years and together for 10. This is both our second marriage and we have 1 child together and 2 from my previous marriage...the oldest is off to college. I'm a loving husband and love my wife with all my heart and it hurts to my core that she isn't here. I fully acknowledge that I am a controlling person. I don't tell her what she can and can't do but I know that I haven't been very good at listening to her and giving her the credit she deserves as an equal partner in our marriage. Originally when I came home Friday she said I asked if she wanted a divorce, she said crying....yes. I about collapsed. I know it took a lot of courage to do what she did. I was calm but very sad and cried in front of her which is new for me. We have since then talked a little, mostly me asking for her to come back so I can prove myself to her and our marriage and how important it was to for her to hear that I would do anything it took to make our marriage work. I wrote her a letter because I wanted her to see and have as a document of my commitment and to tell her just how much loved her. She says she needs some space, she is currently staying with her mother and brother and we split time with our little 6 yr old daughter. It's hard for me to keep it together, when I look at my daughter I get very sad and she often wipes tears away from my face. I miss my best friend desperately and all I want to do is prove to her that I've been an idiot and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. Back to the space thing...I really want to give it her, when everything in my body says get in there and fight and fix this! She says she is willing to work on our marriage and even move back...eventually....months...not sure. She wants to see change and I totally agree...I am going to counseling (starting next week) and so is she. I have this overwhelming fear that she will grow apart from me while going to counseling. Normally, I am an extremely confident person but this has totally rocked me. Nether of us have ever cheated, we have no money issues, both of us have great jobs. There have been other stressors; moving, new jobs, she recently had a hysterectomy...she's only 41. Anyway, HELP! Is there hope for us, I am absolutely miserable...I find myself telling her I love her when I get off the phone with her....I set myself up because the response is "ok". We are civil to each other and still laugh on the phone....we talk because of our daughter. Thoughts? Ladies, especially you. Can I save my marriage?


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

How are other aspects of your life? Communication? Is your sex life ok? You acknowledge being controlling.. what sort of limits did you put on her? I would give her a bit of space for now, let her have some time.


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## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

We communicate well on most things. As far as the controlling piece goes, I realize that I never really encouraged he to to things with her friends and I usually would try to inject myself into the mix. These are all new revelations for me...hind sight being 20/20. It goes much deeper but that is the readers digest version. She has had conversations with me in the past but I would nod knowingly like I understood and not do anything to change. Stupid really. Sex is non existent for 4 months now....hysterectomy has something to do with that.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

It sounds like this is her wake up call to you..get the counselling so she can see a change in you..sounds like your marriage is very salvagable..I recommend the book Fight Less, Love More by Laurie Puhn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

I realize that this is a process. Just so hard not to try and fix everything right now. Don't want to lose my best friend and I'm going to fight not to. Definitely interested is some good books, thank you for the recommendation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you in therapy?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She hasn't always been honest with you--- she planned and carried out her idea to move out which was NOT spur of the moment...so she withheld that she's unhappy, which is Not being honest.

Just blowing that up for ya. My husband (STBX) seemed like an "honest guy" and in fact was a huge liar. Denial is powerful but once you see things for what they are, things do get better...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And to save your marriage, you really can't unless she wants to as well. You may get her back but if it's not FROM HER, then she'll do this again. I know because it happened to me. I won him back but he did NONE of the work....and he pulled the same crap on me this last January, except this time, I filed divorce. 

To get her attention, don't beg, plead, cry, say i love you, NOTHING. She wanted out so let her go and work ON YOU. You can only control yourself. Become a better person (we all have room for improvement). Work out, eat right, look good, feel good.

Let her see what she's missing. Be pleasant but not needy. Seriously.


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## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

She has expressed her unhappiness in the past so I was more crushed and hurt by her move out than surprised. It's so hard not to tell her how much I love her....because I do, very much. She's conflicted that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, including self exploration, which I've been resistant to in the past. Her question is "why now"? I don't have a good answer for that other than I love her and our family and no matter how much it's going to hurt me to find fault in myself I am willing to so I can be a better person. She says she wants to see change and the effort to do so. I will start seeing a therapist this week hopefully. Just so hard to not hold on so tight.....I miss her so much!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You better let go!

Your neediness is unattractive to her and is pushing her further away.

Read the following books asap.

Married Man's Sex Life Primer

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

The 180 is your friend now. Use it!

I have been on this site for 6 months and I have seen wives come back using the 180. I have also seen men get stronger and not want their wives back. Sometimes they don't come back at all and it helps you detach.

However, in six months I have not seen a successful beg her back campaign you are employing. You better listen to us. We have been thru everything you are experiencing.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Your wife works outside the home so there is ample opportunity for her to be with someone else. I'm not saying this is what is going on but you must at least be able to see that it is a possibility.

Her hysterectomy could also be playing a part here.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I Know you love her, but you don't have to keep telling her right now.

But do what you will do...however, you'll only push her away with neediness.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Find a therapist that challenges you.

Work on breaking free of codependence.


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## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

I haven't begged her to come back and told her that I understand her need for space. I did tell her that I was sorry and that I would be seeking individual counseling.....this was where she said "show me". It's hard not to ask for a timeline but I understand that this is a process and I'm doing my part to work on myself. We talked a little today, she's mad and hurt that I'm finally willing to work on things but said that she meant it when she said "I do". So she's willing to try. I'm giving her the time she needs. I've heard of a book called "losing control gaining serenity". It's about learning to not control everything in your life and living without fear. I'm used to controlling everything and I need to learn to just let it go. Retired Navy 23 years. I've always been opposed to counseling but am actually looking forward to it now. Any advice on finding the right counselor or good books?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad in Tenn said:


> I haven't begged her to come back and told her that I understand her need for space. I did tell her that I was sorry and that I would be seeking individual counseling.....this was where she said "show me". It's hard not to ask for a timeline but I understand that this is a process and I'm doing my part to work on myself. We talked a little today, she's mad and hurt that I'm finally willing to work on things but said that she meant it when she said "I do". So she's willing to try. I'm giving her the time she needs. I've heard of a book called "losing control gaining serenity". It's about learning to not control everything in your life and living without fear. I'm used to controlling everything and I need to learn to just let it go. Retired Navy 23 years. I've always been opposed to counseling but am actually looking forward to it now. Any advice on finding the right counselor or good books?


These guys are the best:

Find an IFS Therapist

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books


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## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

Thanks for the advice....I purchased a few books. Implementing a modified 180...so hard but necessary. She needs the space and I'm giving it to her. We talk a few times a day because my 6 year old calls me and vice versa when I have her. Trying to stay positive and supportive. Men tend to want to "fix" things and this isn't something I can fix...I can only work on me. And let her work on herself through counseling. The sooner I grasp the concept the better. Not sure when we will begin MC but probably not until we have some IC sessions under our belts. Thanks for all the support.


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## Sad in Tenn (Mar 22, 2013)

Got a hold of a counselor today and have my first session to tomorrow. Little fear of the unknown here but I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. W also starts IC tomorrow. Any thoughts on how I start this? I know I get out of this is what I put in to it....complete honesty. Never done this before.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad in Tenn said:


> Got a hold of a counselor today and have my first session to tomorrow. Little fear of the unknown here but I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. W also starts IC tomorrow. Any thoughts on how I start this? I know I get out of this is what I put in to it....complete honesty. Never done this before.


Start with your childhood.

It holds many of the keys to the present.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh don't worry...the therapist will pull it all outa you..they are really good at it  Let us know how it goes 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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