# How to convince my ex I no longer care about marriage?



## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

After 14 months of dating I told my BF "not sure if we're on the same page- you haven't said 'I love you' back and I don't know if you really want the kind of future, marriage kids etc, that I do." He said "I love you and I will marry you when I decide the time is right." I gave him a big hug, then he knew I had plans w my best friend. Well, he tried to meet this single girl alone at a bar at midnight (she couldn't make it). He'd told me nothing about her, saved her as a guy's name in his phone, later deleted the tects. He spent the whole next week (while I thought we were fine) flirting w her, asking her for pics. Months later a text from her popped up on his iPad asking if he would come over her apt and drink with her once she's back in town. My BF responded "definitely!" Well I think this made me feel insecure & I also felt weird that he refused to have any sort of future discussions - I'd say "so do you plan on us getting engaged within the next couple of years or so?" And he'd respond "I'll let you know whenever I'm ready, if that's not good enough then you're an adult and you're free to leave." Then he said "I'm warning you, the more you ask me about marriage the further away it'll become, and eventually I'll leave

." Now we're broken up and he said on the phone "i miss you but I warned you I'd pass the point of no return, & also how can you pretend you've changed, you're not going to stop asking me about marriage." I said "so you're happy with just never seeing or talking to me again?" He responded w silence which is always his go-to. My question is, how can I possibly convince him that I've learned my lesson and being with him is more than good enough now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you serious?? This man is not worth your time! Move on and dont look back!


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

It was only 1 instance of flirting. Yes it went on for a little while, and I didn't like the deleting texts/ not telling me anything about her/changing to guy's name in his phone. But I think he just felt threatened bc I've had a good guy friend for 10 years back home, and the guy often calls me on phone (I answered the calls in front of my BF so there would never be any secrets and told my BF about him from the start). And me wanting to talk about commitment or hear "I love you" made my BF nervous so the knee jerk reaction was to go out with another girl. He never physically cheated!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

learning112 said:


> It was only 1 instance of flirting. Yes it went on for a little while, and I didn't like the deleting texts/ not telling me anything about her/changing to guy's name in his phone. But I think he just felt threatened bc I've had a good guy friend for 10 years back home, and the guy often calls me on phone (I answered the calls in front of my BF so there would never be any secrets and told my BF about him from the start). And me wanting to talk about commitment or hear "I love you" made my BF nervous so the knee jerk reaction was to go out with another girl. He never physically cheated!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, you are seriously in denial! Cheating aside, the man doesnt love you and doesnt have an ounce of respect for you! You DONT SAY THESE THINGS to someone that you love! Geez, are you afraid you wont ever find another man?? This guy is a jerk, he is showing you who he is. Dont lower yourself to be with him! Stay away from him and do some work on yourself, find out WHY you want to be with someone who would treat you like this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> My question is, how can I possibly convince him that I've learned my lesson and being with him is more than good enough now?


He will never believe you. Why would he? This just sounds like a trick on your part.

But you are asking the wrong question. The right question is as follow:

"Why do you want to be with a man who abuses you? Why do you want to be with a man who cheats, openly to boot? Why do you want so bad to be abused? Why?"

I don't think anyone here is going to help you try to get back with this abusive man. Nor will they help you fulfill your desire to be abuse and humiliated by this man.

What we can help you with is for you to find a counselor who can help you figure out why you, a well educated woman with a lot of potential, want's to be with a cheating abuser.

Your last boyfriend was not any better. You need help. Please let us know when you are ready to get real help.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holy crap. Cut this d**chebag out of your life already.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I truly don't know how he's described as "cheating" when he never did anything physically with her... Or "abusive" just because he warned me that if I didn't stop wanting to talk about marriage, he'd eventually dump me. I was trying to think of a dramatic action I could take to prove to him I just want him and will never ask about marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> It was only 1 instance of flirting. Yes it went on for a little while, and I didn't like the deleting texts/ not telling me anything about her/changing to guy's name in his phone. But I think he just felt threatened bc I've had a good guy friend for 10 years back home, and the guy often calls me on phone (I answered the calls in front of my BF so there would never be any secrets and told my BF about him from the start). And me wanting to talk about commitment or hear "I love you" made my BF nervous so the knee jerk reaction was to go out with another girl. He never physically cheated!!!


In the past you have told us of other times when he's gone out with other women. Even if it was only once, there is no excuse. Why are you making excuses for him.

This guy is not telling you 'I love you' and not setting an engagement/marriage as a way to maintain control in your relationship. this way you are the beggar and he's the one who controls the magic key (marriage).

I'm not saying that he has to get married on your schedule. What I'm saying is that they way he's doing on about this is controlling and playing games.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Far out, my 13 year old has more self confidence and self worth than you. Get thee to the therapist STAT


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I truly don't know how he's described as "cheating" when he never did anything physically with her... Or "abusive" just because he warned me that if I didn't stop wanting to talk about marriage, he'd eventually dump me. I was trying to think of a dramatic action I could take to prove to him I just want him and will never ask about marriage


Have you forgotten everything you have posted to us for time?

He's abusive and controlling. He cheated.

Men who are in a committed relationship do not go out with other women on dates, they do not go to her apartment to drink with her. I rather doubt that they never had sex. That's silly.

Do whatever you want. You are hell bent on being in a bad relationship. I hope that some day a light goes off in your head, you get the help you need and can look back on this as a lesson and not feel completely devastated that this is how you spent your youth. Seriously.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Huh? 

I do not know what to say to you. What do you think he is offering you? You know about one attempted hook up, you know about one definite hook up. You know he has no plans ever to propose to you? You know he has no desire to have kids with you and you are ok with that? 

I hope you find the strength to move on. I understand it is hard being alone, I understand how much better a shared life is then a solItary life is. I understand the economic challenges being alone create.

All of these things can be dealt with, ask how how here and other forums.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I just need a convincing way to communicate that my priorities have changed and I'll never bug him and let him make all the decisions when it comes to the future. I truly need to say/do something dramatic and would appreciate help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

learning112 said:


> He said "I love you and I will marry you when I decide the time is right."


Wow,aren't you lucky. So he can just dally around with anyone he wants with you on the sidelines? 




> how can I possibly convince him that I've learned my lesson_Posted via Mobile Device_


Why,for speaking your mind? Do you not want parity in a relationship,because it appears rather unequal? You sound young and I hope your expectations for yourself change with age. Take care.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Well I get that no one wants to feel pressured. I just kept bringing it up bc I never got a real answer. Being unable to say even "within the next couple of years" or "I love you so much but think we should do X y or Z before getting married." He said "I'll ask when I decide the time is right, that's all you're going to get- if that's not good enough you're an adult, Feel free to leave."

I genuinely want to know how to convince him I love him so much that I'll be happy now just being with him- marriage off table!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

learning112 said:


> I just need a convincing way to communicate that my priorities have changed and I'll never bug him and let him make all the decisions when it comes to the future. I truly need to say/do something dramatic and would appreciate help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your priorities HAVENT changed! You are just trying to kiss this loser's ass so that you can still have a boyfriend! No one here is going to help you with this. 

And just for the record, someone issuing you a "warning" is abusing you.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He just said he warned me and I should think about how actions have consequences. He's from a different continent and isn't even a U.S. Citizen so it is just cultural differences I doubt he means any harm.

Anyhow I get his point and would deeply appreciate anyone explaining how I can do/say something dramatic enough to convince him that I only want him and will never speak of marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm out. I cant deal with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Well I get that no one wants to feel pressured. I just kept bringing it up bc I never got a real answer. Being unable to say even "within the next couple of years" or "I love you so much but think we should do X y or Z before getting married." He said "I'll ask when I decide the time is right, that's all you're going to get- if that's not good enough you're an adult, Feel free to leave."
> 
> I genuinely want to know how to convince him I love him so much that I'll be happy now just being with him- marriage off table!


That means that he has no intention of marrying you. But he likes you living with him so he get have sex when he wants it.

If I recall correctly this guy is from a country where women have little to no legal rights. A women, in his country, who lives with a man is not marriage material. But she is a woman to be used as he wants.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your priorities HAVENT changed! You are just trying to kiss this loser's ass so that you can still have a boyfriend! No one here is going to help you with this.
> 
> *And just for the record, someone issuing you a "warning" is abusing you.*


That's correct. He's an abusing control freak. That's what the "warning" tells you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh dear God OP...what the he!l are you thinking???

I'm speechless...

I got nothin'


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

What am I thinking bc I should've known it was bad to keep bringing up marriage? I just never felt we had 1 real honest adult discussion and I was always wanting that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> What am I thinking bc I should've known it was bad to keep bringing up marriage? I just never felt we had 1 real honest adult discussion and I was always wanting that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Maybe because he's not an adult, at least not the adult that you want. 

Seriously learning, You need to apply your username and start learning!! This guy is REALLY Bad for you, why can't you see it? He insists on cheating on you with this other girl. He doesn't want to get married because he's a player, a Jerk! 
He just wants to sleep with as many women as possible with no commitment and you're the one who keeps coming back to him.

Let me give you an analogy. 

Let's pretend there's a patient that goes into a hospital and tells the doctor they have strange lump that's painful and frustrating. The doctor takes a look and says. "Yeah, that's cancer, but good news--you caught in the early stages and we can treat it easily, we just need to remove it" The patient agrees, and says "Yeah, your right, it looks bad--but sometimes it makes me feel great because people give me attention when I show it to them--what if I make this change to my lifestyle and just live with it?" The doctor says "No, that's a terrible, idea. it's malignant and it will only get worse as time goes on". The patient responds and says "Yeah, yeah..I see what you're saying--but I'm starting to feel like I have a chance with this cancer...maybe it will eventually just become benign and I can live with the pain in the meantime." 

This conversation goes on for awhile and more doctors and experts arrive and continue to emphasis one thing "This Cancer is BAD!! Get rid of it ASAP!!", but the patient insists that they want to make things work with the cancer--because of the nice feelings and attention they sometimes receive--despite the fact that it will seriously alter their plans for their future. 

Eventually, the doctors give up. The patient feels so desperate and afraid they'll lose that little bit of special attention they get from people, they fail to see how bad the cancer is for them. They can't seem to grasp that their life would be SOO much better if they let the cancer get removed.
In case you haven't guessed, YOU ARE the Patient, Learning112. The cancer is this terrible BF of yours, and we're like the Doctors.

Think about it. Do you really want a future with someone who is constantly trying to find other women to sleep/flirt with? Someone who doesn't want to marry you, disrespects you, abuses you (emotionally and verbally, at the very least) treats you like dirt? 

YOU don't want that, nobody does. It might be hard for you to see there's a better life for you, because right now, this is ALL you know. 

I honestly don't know why you're defending him. You say he's only done it once or twice (which is beyond enough), yet in your thread, you gave tons of other examples of his abuse. Even if this were ONLY thread you had written about this guy, he sounds TERRIBLE!

The only lesson you should tell him that you learned is that you realized you deserve so much better than him (anyone does).

Ultimately, the choice is up to you, but nobody is going to give you advice on how to win this "Cancer" back. PLease, trust people and the advice they are trying to give you.

-sincerely, JBH


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Men love grand gestures of love….I'd suggest a tattoo in a prominent spot to show him how you really feel.

Just my opinion.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

learning112 said:


> It was only 1 instance of flirting. Yes it went on for a little while, and I didn't like the deleting texts/ not telling me anything about her/changing to guy's name in his phone. But I think he just felt threatened bc I've had a good guy friend for 10 years back home, and the guy often calls me on phone (I answered the calls in front of my BF so there would never be any secrets and told my BF about him from the start). And me wanting to talk about commitment or hear "I love you" made my BF nervous so the knee jerk reaction was to go out with another girl. He never physically cheated!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WOW....

You have zero self respect don't you? 

Your bf openly cheats on you (even without sex, which is doubtful he hasn't, its still cheating) and you're begging him for marriage?!? 

NOW you want to PRETEND you don't want to marry him so you can continue to be his booty call? Because he has NO intention of ever marrying you so this is all you will ever be to him. Someone who is easy to psychologically control and a warm hole to stick it in.

So pathetically sad...... Get some individual counseling for yourself. You need it badly. You clearly have a very low opinion of yourself if you're will to settle for this trash.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Saying "we'll get married when I say is right time" - if that's not a red flag, I do not know what it.

go and find yourself a guy who likes you and have some basic respect for you. You are a back up plan, that's all.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I'm just asking- what's the best way to convey I have changed and am happy just to be with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

learning112 said:


> I'm just asking- what's the best way to convey I have changed and am happy just to be with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How 'bout 

"Get the eff out, jackass".

Don't you think that would convey the appropriate message?

How many people do you need to tell you you're being a complete fool before it starts to sink in? EVERYONE here but you sees it clearly. Wake the hell up.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> What am I thinking bc I should've known it was bad to keep bringing up marriage? I just never felt we had 1 real honest adult discussion and I was always wanting that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a reason you never had one, real, honest discussion wiht this guy. Because he is not honest, and he is not really THE guy, who would be in you. 

There is nothing that you can do, to change him. Whatever you do, change about yourself, forget your needs and emotions to accomodate his, the bar will go up. You will never be good enough for this guy.

Get into IC yesterday.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I'm just asking- what's the best way to convey I have changed and am happy just to be with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one is going to advise you on how to do this because it is a dumb thing to do. This guy is SMART as users go. He has the power in the dynamic because you want him more than he wants you. He can say any damned thing, PARTICULARLY how he is dumping you to make you change any request. He diddles you along. And you cheerful diddle after him.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> I'm just asking- what's the best way to convey I have changed and am happy just to be with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why learning. Why do you WANT to be with this guy who doesn't even consider you worth 5 min of your time??

Please tell us what redeeming qualities you see in this guy, because every thread you post makes him sound like more of a complete azzhole sociopath

Maybe I could learn something from this guy; Treat women like garbage and they'll be addicted to you and do whatever you want, no matter how much you disrespect or cheat on them.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> I'm just asking- what's the best way to convey I have changed and am happy just to be with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dunno. Get on your knees and beg? Throw in some bj, and he will gladly accept you back into his grace, while texting his other girlfriend.

Wake up, girl!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I'm just asking- what's the best way to convey I have changed and am happy just to be with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You shouldn't be... That's the point. He treats you like trash and you want to marry him. Seek help for your self esteem issues. I hope you're not for real. I really do.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He didn't cheat. I think he just snuck & flirted w that girl bc he was put off by me saying we weren't on the same page, bringing up that he hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months and that I want marriage eventually and didn't know if he was really that serious. And he doesn't treat me like trash. His way of handling being mad is just to completely ignore me for a few days. It's just him.

I just know if I can convince him the pain of losing him has truly reformed me... Then he will take me back. I need advice please on how to do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

There is no advise for this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I haven't seen this level of denial in a long time. If a man doesn't say he loves you after about the 6-8 month mark, he doesn't. If he says it due to your pressuring him, he doesn't love you, he's just placating you.

You say it's "just him". It may be, but that doesn't make it right. Ignoring you is a passive-aggressive technique. 

Please don't settle for crumbs. You deserve to move on and find a man who TELLS you he loves you, is over the moon about you and wants to commit himself to you for the rest of his life.

And he did cheat. You don't have proof of a physical affair but asking for inappropriate photos, flirting and agreeing to meet up for drinks ALONE at her place is setting the stage to move from emotional affair to a physical one. What would he do if he had found out you had secretly been flirting with a guy, had sent or received sexy pictures and agreed to go to his place and get drunk with him? He'd call you a cheater and throw you out. 

There is no advice to convince him to come back because we won't give advice that is detrimental to your well being. This guy is bad news for you.

Do you have any good girlfriends? Have they met him? What do they think about him? I think you need to cut all ties with him and disengage completely.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I just know if I can convince him the pain of losing him has truly reformed me... Then he will take me back. I need advice please on how to do this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Give me a break. I dunno how you made it 200+ posts without getting busted but I'm done wasting my time.

Bye Felicia....


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

learning112 said:


> He didn't cheat. I think he just snuck & flirted w that girl bc he was put off by me saying we weren't on the same page, bringing up that he hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months and that I want marriage eventually and didn't know if he was really that serious. And he doesn't treat me like trash. His way of handling being mad is just to completely ignore me for a few days. It's just him.
> 
> I just know if I can convince him the pain of losing him has truly reformed me... Then he will take me back. I need advice please on how to do this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, now you're just being a troll.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> He didn't cheat. I think he just snuck & flirted w that girl bc he was put off by me saying we weren't on the same page, bringing up that he hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months and that I want marriage eventually and didn't know if he was really that serious. And he doesn't treat me like trash. His way of handling being mad is just to completely ignore me for a few days. It's just him.
> 
> I just know if I can convince him the pain of losing him has truly reformed me... Then he will take me back. I need advice please on how to do this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then he said "I'm warning you, the more you ask me about marriage the further away it'll become, and eventually I'll leave"

When he said this to you?

The fact that he flirts with other women and he doesn't care how you feel about it. 
I didn't even read your whole first thread, but I remember a few bits and pieces. 

1. He said you weren't worth 5 min of his time.
2. He runs around and meets/flirts with other women. I remember at least 2, this one and the one in the other thread. I'm sure there were/are more that perhaps you're not even aware of. 
3. He makes you change and still discards you (see quote above) whenever you inquire about your wants and needs in the relationship. You even said you haven't had a normal adult conversation 

He only says I love you because you latch on to any scrap of hope he throws your way that you might have a decent relationship with him.

Again, you haven't told us anything positive about this guy. What makes him a decent human being that you feel you would like to spend time with?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

learning112 said:


> He didn't cheat. I think he just *snuck & flirted* w that girl bc he was put off by me saying we weren't on the same page, bringing up that he hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months and that I want marriage eventually and didn't know if he was really that serious. And he doesn't treat me like trash. His way of handling being mad is just to completely ignore me for a few days. It's just him.
> 
> I just know if I can convince him the pain of losing him has truly reformed me... Then he will take me back. I need advice please on how to do this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please seek help.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I just know if I can convince him the pain of losing him has truly reformed me... Then he will take me back. I need advice please on how to do this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one here can give you advice on that. You need to look elsewhere for that. We will NOT give you advice on how to further humiliate yourself. You have an entire group of people telling you this man is a piece of garbage and you're still trying to get back with him. No one will give you advice on how to do that.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Learning...you can start 100 threads. The responses aren't going to be any different than what you've already gotten.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

JukeboxHero said:


> Then he said "I'm warning you, the more you ask me about marriage the further away it'll become, and eventually I'll leave"
> 
> When he said this to you?
> 
> ...


You don't think that's reasonable? He didn't want to be bothered about marriage multiple times. Our only conversations about it were him saying "I'll do it eventually when I decide the time is right but you have to trust me to do so and stop bringing it up. Every time you bring up the future it's just going to work against you and make me take longer to do it." This is reasonable- he wants to feel I trust him and that I'm happy in the relationship even without a piece of jewelry. And maybe he just snuck because he felt pressured to say "I love you" back and to discuss a future of marriage etc after 14 months and he got nervous
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> You don't think that's reasonable? He didn't want to be bothered about marriage multiple times. Our only conversations about it were him saying "I'll do it eventually when I decide the time is right but you have to trust me to do so and stop bringing it up. Every time you bring up the future it's just going to work against you and make me take longer to do it." This is reasonable- he wants to feel I trust him and that I'm happy in the relationship even without a piece of jewelry. And maybe he just snuck because he felt pressured to say "I love you" back and to discuss a future of marriage etc after 14 months and he got nervous
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It isn't really about him not wanting to get married yet, learning. It's about the fact that he decides to sneak off and cheat on you because he feels "pressured" to say "I Love you"? After 14 months? Even if he didn't have physical sex with them (and you don't know that he didn't--unless you went with him, did you?) The fact that he's flirting with them proves that he's no more than a player.

Also, you didn't respond to my other questions.

1. Did he or did he not say you weren't worth more than 5 min of his time? 

2. Why do you want to be with him so badly, You have yet to name one thing that makes him seem like a decent human being.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

The OP is either extremely mentally ill or is a troll. It's banging your head either way.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Mentally ill?! It was just hard for me to trust a person who hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months, then finally says it & that he wants a future w me but immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. And every convo about the future was a cold "I will marry you when the time is right." And when I asked approximately when that would be, if there's anything he wants to happen first in his life before that, etc, he'd immediately get angry and say "I'll let you know. You're not the one buying the ring, now are you? If my answer isn't good enough then you're free to leave." If I asked to talk beyond that it was, "that's all you're gonna get, you keep asking the same question all night." Then he'd completely ignore me- look at the wall or a book like I literally wasn't there and wasn't speaking- for at least hours, usually several days
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

learning112 said:


> Mentally ill?! It was just hard for me to trust a person who hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months, then finally says it & that he wants a future w me but immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. And every convo about the future was a cold "I will marry you when the time is right." And when I asked approximately when that would be, if there's anything he wants to happen first in his life before that, etc, he'd immediately get angry and say "I'll let you know. You're not the one buying the ring, now are you? If my answer isn't good enough then you're free to leave." If I asked to talk beyond that it was, "that's all you're gonna get, you keep asking the same question all night." Then he'd completely ignore me- look at the wall or a book like I literally wasn't there and wasn't speaking- for at least hours, usually several days
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thanks for making my point


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

learning112 said:


> Mentally ill?! It was just hard for me to trust a person who hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months, then finally says it & that he wants a future w me but immediately tried to sneak out w another girl.


That's right, you SHOULDN'T trust him after he did this. That was your gut doing something right to SAVE you. 



learning112 said:


> And every convo about the future was a cold "I will marry you when the time is right." And when I asked approximately when that would be, if there's anything he wants to happen first in his life before that, etc, he'd immediately get angry and say "I'll let you know. You're not the one buying the ring, now are you? If my answer isn't good enough then you're free to leave."


... And THAT was your exit cue.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> You don't think that's reasonable? He didn't want to be bothered about marriage multiple times. Our only conversations about it were him saying "I'll do it eventually when I decide the time is right but you have to trust me to do so and stop bringing it up. Every time you bring up the future it's just going to work against you and make me take longer to do it." This is reasonable- he wants to feel I trust him and that I'm happy in the relationship even without a piece of jewelry. And maybe he just snuck because he felt pressured to say "I love you" back and to discuss a future of marriage etc after 14 months and he got nervous
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The guy does not want to be bothered by marriage to you. Period.

For most of us, conversation about getting marriage did not involve humilation. And it should not. 

What;s so special about this guy that you are making yourself into denial pretzel just to keep him? HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU. You are the one doing his laundry and cooking his dinners, and providing sex. But you are not exciting to him. He looks for excitement everywhere else. Is this what you want for the rest of the life? To wait like a good dog for your master to show you some kindness, and smell other women on him?
I'm sorry to be brutal, but you seem in a need of two-by-four.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Satya said:


> That's right, you SHOULDN'T trust him after he did this. That was your gut doing something right to SAVE you.
> 
> 
> 
> ... And THAT was your exit cue.



So it's not normal to say "I will do it when I decide, I'm the one buying the ring and if that's not good enough for you then go ahead and leave"? Because I never gave an ultimatum or deadline, but I wanted to at least hear if it'd be within the next several years. Then at one point he goes "you want a timeline? Ok in 5 years." And later said "I only pushed it back to that bc you kept wanting to talk about marriage" and I was like "the only reason I keep bringing it up is bc I never feel the convo actually goes anywhere- you don't want to discuss the approximate timeline you see for us, or even stuff like where you'd want to live in future, getting a dog which we know we both want & when to do that, etc"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> Mentally ill?! It was just hard for me to trust a person who hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months, then finally says it & that he wants a future w me but immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. And every convo about the future was a cold "I will marry you when the time is right." And when I asked approximately when that would be, if there's anything he wants to happen first in his life before that, etc, he'd immediately get angry and say "I'll let you know. You're not the one buying the ring, now are you? If my answer isn't good enough then you're free to leave." If I asked to talk beyond that it was, "that's all you're gonna get, you keep asking the same question all night." Then he'd completely ignore me- look at the wall or a book like I literally wasn't there and wasn't speaking- for at least hours, usually several days
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now we are getting somewhere. You have every right to be pissed off and you should be. That's what we were trying to tell you through the whole thread. 
You should be pissed off and away, not looking back .


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> So it's not normal to say "I will do it when I decide, I'm the one buying the ring and if that's not good enough for you then go ahead and leave"? Because I never gave an ultimatum or deadline, but I wanted to at least hear if it'd be within the next several years. Then at one point he goes "you want a timeline? Ok in 5 years." And later said "I only pushed it back to that bc you kept wanting to talk about marriage" and I was like "the only reason I keep bringing it up is bc I never feel the convo actually goes anywhere- you don't want to discuss the approximate timeline you see for us, or even stuff like where you'd want to live in future, getting a dog which we know we both want & when to do that, etc"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, it is not normal to talk like this. Arrogant, inconsiderate *********, emotionally blackmailing you into guilt, so you can never have real conversation. What you want and what he wants is not the same. he is major *********, and you will only gain your self respect by leaving him.

again, HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU. RUN, LADY, RUN.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Learning, he'd make up any darn time line if it meant you'd stop bothering him. He thinks you're a pest by the way he treats you. A man that enjoys your company doesn't treat something important to you as a huge bother. 

Can't you see a.) how cruel that kind of behavior is to you and b.) that it means he's not really serious about marrying you?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Do you think the longer I go without contacting him even though he knows I'm really hurting, the more he'll realize I've changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Mentally ill?! *It was just hard for me to trust a person who hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months, then finally says it & that he wants a future w me but immediately tried to sneak out w another girl.* And every convo about the future was a cold "I will marry you when the time is right." And when I asked approximately when that would be, if there's anything he wants to happen first in his life before that, etc, he'd immediately get angry and say "I'll let you know. You're not the one buying the ring, now are you? If my answer isn't good enough then you're free to leave." If I asked to talk beyond that it was, "that's all you're gonna get, you keep asking the same question all night." Then he'd completely ignore me- look at the wall or a book like I literally wasn't there and wasn't speaking- for at least hours, usually several days


Do you know why it's hard for you to trust him after all that? It's because he should not be trusted. Your brain is telling you to not trust him. Your brain is telling you to get away from him.

But you are fighting it. why are you fighting the warnings and danger alarms that your own brain is sounding loud and clear?



.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Do you think the longer I go without contacting him even though he knows I'm really hurting, the more he'll realize I've changed?


The more you grovel, the more contempt he will have for you.

I'm having time believing that your story is even real. You sound like a broken record.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

learning112 said:


> Do you think the longer I go without contacting him even though he knows I'm really hurting, the more he'll realize I've changed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you are for real, then what you really need to learn is how to gracefully accept someone breaking up with you. Your insistence that you make some huge dramatic gesture to get him back just shows you have no respect for another person's boundaries. And not respecting another's boundaries would make you a bad girlfriend or wife. You need to learn from mistakes and know how to move forward gracefully without expecting the other person to change their mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife brings up a good point that I missed and I think that a lot of others did too.

He told you that he was done. He broke up. But you do not respect his boundary.

If I think about all you have said through the filter of your not respecting his boundaries, you sound pretty much like a stalker.

He clearly wants nothing to do with you. Leave him alone.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I wouldn't marry you either. Get a clue will ya?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So it's not that I ruined things bc I kept bringing up marriage and didn't trust him (which is what he claims), but rather that he was lying and had never wanted to marry me in first place? Is that the logical conclusion that's drawn from him trying to sneak with another girl after telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me for first time? Not that I put too much pressure on him by bringing up those topics after over a year so he needed that girl as an "escape"? Because he'd seemed so into me up until that point when I started trying to talk future. I keep thinking he just needed more time and that if I give him space now he'll come around
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

But the relationship was great and he was always nice to me until the first time (14 months in) I brought up him not saying "I love you" back and that I wasn't sure if we wanted the same things in the future (marriage, family). Because that's the first time he tried to sneak w the other girl- not cheat but flirt & sneak. Before that, the only lie he told was when we had a date night 6 months into our relationship- told me he was stuck late at work and had to push it back but a single coworker had texted him to meet their coworkers out for a drink "and I was hoping you'd take me home afterward " which probably just meant drive her. I wasn't mad that he went , but he lied about reason and deleted her texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> Do you think the longer I go without contacting him even though he knows I'm really hurting, the more he'll realize I've changed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope that by "change" you mean you done and over with him?


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## marina clifford (Sep 16, 2015)

i want to give thanks to my dr and i will always give thanks to DR MOON who brought back my love that has left me for 4years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get this guy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to Dr Moon and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 4years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive, him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address [email protected] or call +234(81-522_47947 THANKS ONCE AGAIN DR


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

No I want him to realize I respect his space and won't pressure him and then he'll love me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

learning112 said:


> Do you think the longer I go without contacting him even though he knows I'm really hurting, the more he'll realize I've changed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but I recommend a minimum of 30 years just to be sure the message is clear.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Seriously. I love him. I'm never going to be this happy again 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

learning112 said:


> Seriously. I love him. I'm never going to be this happy again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He does not love you. And he never did. Time heals all wounds. Except the ones you keep picking open.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

But he said he loved me. Ok I know it took him 14 months and he only said it back Bc I asked him about it and right after he did he snuck out with another girl. But just to have a drink- not to cheat. And from there he did other stuff that you wouldn't do if you didn't love w girl... Let me move in, flew home for Christmas for a day with me. So I lost his love (he says) because I wanted to bring up marriage when I should've kept quiet and trusted him to do it "eventually."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

learning112 said:


> But he said he loved me.


:slap: 



learning112 said:


> Ok I know it took him 14 months and he only said it back Bc I asked him about it and right after he did he snuck out with another girl. But just to have a drink- not to cheat.


:slap: 



learning112 said:


> And from there he did other stuff that you wouldn't do if you didn't love w girl... Let me move in, flew home for Christmas for a day with me.


:slap: 



learning112 said:


> So I lost his love (he says) because I wanted to bring up marriage when I should've kept quiet and trusted him to do it "eventually."


:slap:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

learning112 said:


> No I want him to realize I respect his space and won't pressure him and then he'll love me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But you don't respect his space. FW had it right when she said you don't respect his boundaries.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

How do I not respect it? What was I/ am I supposed to have done differently?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

learning112 said:


> How do I not respect it? What was I/ am I supposed to have done differently?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


RE: past actions- even though your ex BF is a TOTAL tool, he kept telling you not to push and you did. That is not respecting boundaries, however douchey they are. 

RE: present day- your behavior and thoughts are not a good look. What you are attempting to do is extremely manipulative. By him breaking up with you, his message is crystal clear and so are his boundaries. He doesn't want you in his life. You must respect those present-day boundaries and move on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I've read enough. It's hammer time.

Let's just be clear w/ respect to what it is that you're asking for...

You want advice on how to convince your ex that your self-confidence, self-respect, and self-worth have been so eroded, eliminated, and rendered so inert that you're willing to tolerate his sh*t behavior, perpetual disrespect, and unbelievably overt lies on the off chance that he'll come back to you.

Sound about right?

Don't worry, he'll eventually be back. But not until his current chump wises up to his bullsh*t and dumps him.

You, dear lady, are a therapist's wet dream.

Want to know why so many men behave so badly?

_It's because there are so many women like you that tolerate it._

*PLEASE HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF!!!*

Please put this f*cker in your rearview -- _immediately *and PERMANENTLY*_ -- and find someone that won't avail himself of every opportunity to cheat on you, lie to you, and disrespect you.

PLEASE.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

What overt lies are you referring to? He just told me he didn't want me to ever bring up
Marriage bc then it seemed like I didn't trust him enough to do it on his own. But I kept asking bc I wanted an approx timeframe- a few years? More?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Cletus said:


> Yes, but I recommend a minimum of 30 years just to be sure the message is clear.


Take Cletus's advice.>


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

learning112 said:


> What overt lies are you referring to? He just told me he didn't want me to ever bring up
> Marriage bc then it seemed like I didn't trust him enough to do it on his own. But I kept asking bc I wanted an approx timeframe- a few years? More?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People should not make jokes about this poster. On the off chance that this is a real person with what she thinks is a real problem, it is just going to confuse her further.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

I think you should brush your neon hair as tall as it'll go, polish your belly jewel, and invite him to hang out under your bridge for a weekend.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

learning112 said:


> *What overt lies are you referring to?* He just told me he didn't want me to ever bring up
> Marriage bc then it seemed like I didn't trust him enough to do it on his own. But I kept asking bc I wanted an approx timeframe- a few years? More?!


"I didn't have sex with her. I only went for drinks."


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

It was only lying about one girl. I can forgive him. He says he warned me not to keep bringing up marriage and that's why he dumped me. Was I wrong to want a general discussion or timetable though? Instead of him saying "I'm the one buying the ring so when I'm ready I'll let you know"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

learning112 said:


> It was only lying about one girl. I can forgive him. *He says he warned me not to keep bringing up marriage and that's why he dumped me.*


That's another lie. He never planned on marrying you.

The truth is that he had someone else on the side that he figured would be less naggy about getting married, so he dumped you and took up w/ her as his new full-time chump.



learning112 said:


> Was I wrong to want a general discussion or timetable though? Instead of him saying "I'm the one buying the ring so when I'm ready I'll let you know"


No. If you were wrong for anything, it was for accepting his bullsh*t answers.

Which, apparently, you're still doing.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Everyone else (including people who know him IRL) finds it so obvious that he never wanted to marry me and it was BS. Is that because he refused to discuss any sort of timeframe, any other future plans for us, threatened to dump me if I keot bringing it up, or made up excuses why I couldn't meet his family when he finally traveled back home overseas (or even Skype or chat online w them)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

learning112 said:


> After 14 months of dating I told my BF "not sure if we're on the same page- you haven't said 'I love you' back and I don't know if you really want the kind of future, marriage kids etc, that I do." He said "I love you and I will marry you when I decide the time is right." I gave him a big hug, then he knew I had plans w my best friend. Well, he tried to meet this single girl alone at a bar at midnight (she couldn't make it). He'd told me nothing about her, saved her as a guy's name in his phone, later deleted the tects. He spent the whole next week (while I thought we were fine) flirting w her, asking her for pics. Months later a text from her popped up on his iPad asking if he would come over her apt and drink with her once she's back in town. My BF responded "definitely!" Well I think this made me feel insecure & I also felt weird that he refused to have any sort of future discussions - I'd say "so do you plan on us getting engaged within the next couple of years or so?" And he'd respond "I'll let you know whenever I'm ready, if that's not good enough then you're an adult and you're free to leave." Then he said "I'm warning you, the more you ask me about marriage the further away it'll become, and eventually I'll leave
> 
> ." Now we're broken up and he said on the phone "i miss you but I warned you I'd pass the point of no return, & also how can you pretend you've changed, you're not going to stop asking me about marriage." I said "so you're happy with just never seeing or talking to me again?" He responded w silence which is always his go-to. My question is, how can I possibly convince him that I've learned my lesson and being with him is more than good enough now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seriously? Do you really want to spend your life as his doormat? The guy doesn't fill your needs or wants, and he doesn't care. You will not be happy in this relationship, stay broke up, you will only miss him for awhile, but if you stay with him you will miss being happy forever!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You've got it all backwards. All of this...



learning112 said:


> Is that because *he refused to discuss any sort of timeframe, any other future plans for us, threatened to dump me if I keot bringing it up, or made up excuses why I couldn't meet his family when he finally traveled back home overseas (or even Skype or chat online w them)?*


...is because of THIS...



learning112 said:


> Everyone else (including people who know him IRL) finds *it so obvious that he never wanted to marry me and it was BS.*


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You should read Co-Dependent No More. You are their poster child. I don't get why you are so desperate to be wanted by this douche bag. If everyone here thinks he doesn't really care about you or want to commit to you, and your real life friends feel the same way, believe all of us. Also he doesn't even want to have his family even know you exist? Are you sure there isn't a wife back in the old country or an arranged marriage being set up for him and you were just to keep the bed warm?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Good question about possible arranged marriage. I asked him after 2 years- "do you not want to introduce me bc your mom might have her own ideas about who she wants you to marry? I don't know, like arranged perhaps?" And he yells and calls me an ignorant American. And I said "how am I ignorant when I'm just asking questions since you haven't told me anything at all about your family in 2 years?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Warning, this is a bit harsh.

Before you can expect a man to respect you, you have to respect yourself.

And if you don't respect yourself, there's no point in getting married because it is guaranteed to fall apart. Relationships, particularly with the kind of tool of a guy you're dealing with, are about LEVERAGE. 

You don't have any leverage. You will accept any bad treatment and come crawling back, begging for more. He knows it too...that's why he's treating you like a bag he barfed in

You don't have a problem with a guy....you have a problem with you.

Listen, once you have to beg a guy to marry you, you've stooped to a level you can't recover from. And you're even worse off than that...you let him you reject you, cheat on you and you're crawling back apologizing?!?

You've lost yourself and you need some help. Your primary focus should be you right now because you are not in any state for a relationship with anyone until you get some serious therapy to figure out why you think this is all you're worth.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I'm torn bc he claims I ruined the relationship by "pressuring about marriage." But the very first time I brought up the topic (14 months in), he immediately tried to sneak out with another girl to a bar at midnight and already was telling me that he'd decide when to propose "some day" and warned me not to try to ever discuss it further, or else He'd take longer to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> I'm torn bc he claims I ruined the relationship by "pressuring about marriage." But the very first time I brought up the topic (14 months in), he immediately tried to sneak out with another girl to a bar at midnight and already was telling me that he'd decide when to propose "some day" and warned me not to try to ever discuss it further, or else He'd take longer to do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Learning,

Please, for the love of God, stop obsessing over your Ex. He was a terrible douche to begin with, at least from what you've told us about him (and I doubt you're lying since you seem to defend his sleazy ways.) Again, he doesn't want to be married, but you clearly do, no matter how much you try to convince yourself you've been "reformed". 

Instead, like everyone has said--work on yourself first. Find friends and Counselors who can help you rebuild your Self-Esteem, Self-worth and whatever. Learn about boundaries and how to set them (I need to work on this too). Don't worry about any male relationships for now. With someone as vulnerable and with such low self-esteem as yourself, it's hard for anyone to NOT take advantage of you.

Also, don't do this because you want to try to win back the man who clearly doesn't love nor deserve you. Do it for yourself, because I know that deep down inside, you're an awesome person--you just to get off this drug of a person you're addicted to.


Quite frankly, everyone wants to help you and we all care about you, but your constant persistence on trying to get back with an abusive person is getting really annoying. So help me, if I see one more post about how you're trying to get back with him, I'm going to start my own thread entitled "How to get learning112 to stop obsessing over her ex".

P.s. I'm doing this out of love, it might be a "I don't know you, but I see your a cool person on the forum" love, but you're still someone we care about.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

JukeboxHero, that post made me smile, which is something I don't do often these days. Thank you. Maybe I'm just too trusting and can't understand that a person would lie? You would think since the very first time he said he'd marry me "someday," he immediately tried to sneak out to a bar at midnight with another girl, I'd realize that he was just lying about it. But he kept telling me (only wen I asked) that he'd marry me "eventually" for so many months, and I figured why would he stay with me if he didn't intend to marry me? Maybe it was a big red flag he wouldn't let me come with him to meet his family- or even talk to them on skype.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I'm torn bc he claims I ruined the relationship by "pressuring about marriage." But the very first time I brought up the topic (14 months in), he immediately tried to sneak out with another girl to a bar at midnight and already was telling me that he'd decide when to propose "some day" and warned me not to try to ever discuss it further, or else He'd take longer to do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like others have said, the relationship that the two of you had going is as far as he would ever want it to go. Placing the blame for the ending of your dating relationship on you is enough to see that he is not a very nice or responsible guy. Some day when he is long gone, you'll hopefully look back with disgust at yourself for having no sense of self-worth. I hope you'll fix that and meet a guy who makes you feel happy and secure.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

learning112 said:


> JukeboxHero, that post made me smile, which is something I don't do often these days. Thank you. Maybe I'm just too trusting and can't understand that a person would lie? You would think since the very first time he said he'd marry me "someday," he immediately tried to sneak out to a bar at midnight with another girl, I'd realize that he was just lying about it. But he kept telling me (only wen I asked) that he'd marry me "eventually" for so many months, and I figured why would he stay with me if he didn't intend to marry me? Maybe it was a big red flag he wouldn't let me come with him to meet his family- or even talk to them on skype.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You keep repeating the same thing over and over here. The answers aren't going to change. He doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't have had to be forced to say it. Just give it up, you need to see a therapist and break this mental spin cycle you are stuck in.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Well maybe 14 months was just too soon for him to be saying "I love you" and discussing the future . But if he truly loved me I can't imagine why he would say "I warned you, if you kept wanting to talk about marriage I'd dump you."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You can convince him you really aren't interested in marriage by going out and getting your brains fully and totally railed out by a stud sex god.

Take a pic and show him.

Should convince him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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