# How much 'no' is there in 'no contact'



## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Hi, this is my first time posting here and it feels a bit scary! Here is my story, briefly. 

I discovered a few weeks ago that my husband of 15 years (we have children) was having an affair. He suddenly decided to confess to an affair with a woman at work, saying he couldn't handle the guilt. We started talking and he said he felt like his place was at home, with me and the children, and he didn't want us to break up.

We went to see a counsellor and my husband made an agreement to stop all contact with the OW. We realised this could be difficult as they might run into each other at work (she's part time, in a different area). On the weekend my husband phoned the OW and told her that we were going to counselling to fix our marriage, and that they needed to stop seeing each other.

Today I asked if he was likely to see her at work, and he said he wasn't sure. But I noticed that they had texted each other in the morning. This afternoon he told me she had come to his office and was trying hard to get back with him, and being very pushy. He said that he was scared she would cause trouble at work and so had promised to give her a goodbye present, I think to try to keep her happy.

So I am quite upset. This means he is going to have to see her again to give her this present. I thought no contact meant NO contact. I think he might be finding it difficult to separate from her.

I'm just wondering if other people have had similar experiences and can help, i.e.: 
- How long should I give him to get the NO part of no contact implemented fully (given the work situation)? 
- What is the best way to deal with no contact, when the people are in the same workplace (leaving is not an option, he's been there for many years).


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

No present.
No texts.
No contact.
It has to start NOW.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I know what you found out is difficult to take and the plus side of things is he told you himself. 
No Contact means no contact at all, no words to each other, no texts, no emails, at no time should they ever be alone anywhere.
no present what is that all about.......if he is serious he should be able to give you this, if he can't give him his walking papers...
You can't work on your marriage if he is still connecting with her, it's called affair fog. Make sure you check his phone, email accounts, and correspondence of any kind.......you have to make sure the affair dies.....
Have you exposed the affair to anyone, that is one way of killing it, it is no fun when everyone around you knows what is going on......
Don't be fooled, protect yourself and your children......
If you want to save your marriage the OW has got to be gone.....


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

how would you verify to make sure there is truly NO contact? I mean some spouses go out of their way with secret phones,emails etc.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Once you finished the sentence, should be a done deal !!


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Thanks for all your comments, I agree that no should = immediate no, now the challenge is to make him see that!



> No Contact means no contact at all, no words to each other, no texts, no emails, *at no time should they ever be alone anywhere*.


Good idea jessi, I will tell him that if she goes into his office again at work, can he please move to a public place immediately, and try to get rid of her fast (apparently she is very persistent).



> how would you verify to make sure there is truly NO contact? I mean some spouses go out of their way with secret phones,emails etc.


This I don't know, notreadytoquit, apart from sending in a private investigator to follow him around! I guess you have to somehow trust someone who has just shown themselves to be untrustworthy....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Squiffy, in essence your husband is being chased by another woman … and he is still responding with the present. Once she has the present is she going to stop chasing? My guess is no because your husband will have rewarded her for her chasing.

You have to put up a boundary here “I will not reconcile with you until you have cut all contact with the OW”.

Does the OW have a husband? If she does contact him and tell him what’s going on.

Bob


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Just the thread I need at the moment.
I want my wife to keep no contact with OM but this is hard to prove she admitted to sending some emails and not getting a response, he ended it. Of course online you can check txt and cell calls short of getting a hold of her phone and downloading spyware how much do you persist?
That is why i am seeking more input, seeing how the end of an affair is also viewed as grieving and traumatic like a high school break up. And it is sensitive R material. Should i leave alone? Today one text message went between them. I do not want to blatantly reveal my source? And at a later date ask the question again about any contact? If I keep it to myself I can continue to monitor the situation. The OM knows his spouse and i check phone records unsure if my spouse has figured it out? What to do??


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Disbelief: no contact should be a condition of remaining in the marriage. One step that works quite well is to compose a No Contact letter (using the samples here are reference), *you *read it to see if it is acceptable, and then *you *mail it (not your cheating spouse!)

The wording of the letter is very important - it should be written in such a way that the Other Person is not likely to even want to pursue the affair any longer.

Another step you can take is to mail a copy of the No Contact letter to the Other Person's spouse.

And, have your spouse read this article.

As long as there is contact of ANY FORM, the affair will continue - if even as just plain fantasy ("...oh, what MIGHT have been!...") And because of this, any work on your marriage is hampered, if not just plain impossible. Any difficulty in your marriage, any disagreement, etc., will have your spouse scrambling to seek even a tiny bit of reassurance from the Other Person that there is still a spark there. 

In other words, is will be permanently held as a way out in case the loyal spouse does not come through perfectly. And none of us are perfect. You can follow the inference...


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## soalone (Oct 6, 2010)

Yep, no contact is no contact. Ever seen an affair episode on Dr. Phil? The person isn't even allowed to say goodbye to the OM/W. It just ends and thats it. 

And yes, any form of contact, no matter how small, will always leave the hope that it will start again. 
And sorry to say, but the present is just about the biggest bunch of bs I have ever heard. What is the present? He wants to do her one final time?


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Thanks for all your helpful comments. Those non-contact letters are well written and to the point, I will show them to my husband and we will work on one. 
(For those who asked, the present was an ornament, and he has given it to her already.... I noticed that I never got one!)

He has kept to his promise and has not sent her any texts (I've been checking), although she has continued to text him.

However, contact has still been happening because she keeps coming into his office at work several times a day - she has done this on three days in the past week. She has been begging him to come back to her and leave me, and is sounding rather desperate. She has also followed him around at work which worries him, as he doesn't want his colleagues or boss to find out about it (he has been involved in some assessment of her training and this could become tricky).

Unfortunately on a couple of days they work in the same room, so he cannot get away from her entirely, which makes things even more difficult. Leaving his job is just not an option.

I can send her the 'at work' no contact letter (she's not married) but I don't think she isn't going to give up easily, she said she is going to do anything she can to get him. I just don't know how to deal with this!! Can anyone recommend the best way for my husband to deal with her? He said he tried to get her out of the office at one point, but this ended up with a bit of pushing, so I said he has to be very careful. 



> Today one text message went between them. I do not want to blatantly reveal my source?


I know what you mean disbelief, I'm in the same position as I am checking his phone records, but he doesn't know I have access to them. I think you just monitor them as long as you need to, to collect as much evidence as you need. I would wait to see if there are any more messages.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I will probably look forever or until/ if we end up with seperate plans. I will have teenagers there will always be an excuse. This not fun!
Do you do a no contact letter if in my case the OM and my wife have "agreed" it is over and done?


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