# I Finally Figured It Out



## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have an elementary aged child together. My issue is and always has been her weight. I made the classic move of looking at the life we could have together in regard to family, and I always thought she would be a great mother and we could live a happy life together, and for the most part, we have. Our child is great, our marriage in general is good, but over the years we have had intimacy issues. 

Initially we didn't have trouble in the bedroom. She was a big girl, but I didn't care because everything was new and fresh and we had fun together. But as the years went on, I started disliking her weight. It wasn't based off of her looks because she still looked good, but I noticed that it started getting in the way of not only intimacy, but daily life. She would get sweaty quickly and then become irritated because she was sweaty (that has never gone away) and she couldn't perform some sexual maneuvers because of her weight (can't be on top for too long cause she gets tired, her knees start to hurt, etc.) I started talking to her about her weight then, even telling her at one point that I was having a difficult time finding her attractive. I know that's a terrible thing to hear, but it was the truth. Nothing happened.

So, 10 years later, I started acting out, in a sense. I thought that maybe if she tried new lingerie it would be sexy, and it was initially. I asked her to take nudes for me, which she did, and I liked them. But through all of this, my interest in sex would wane, even if she was doing the things that used to turn me on. I got tested for low testosterone, and sure enough, it was low. Not incredibly low, but just above the lowest normal range (309 instead of 300.) I started meds to increase testosterone, and I finally talked my wife into going to the doctor for a checkup, which she had been avoiding.

In the 10 years we were together, her weight became a health issue for me. Attraction be damned, I love my wife, and I knew that she had put on more weight, and was probably at her heaviest in the past year. I was worried about diabetes, or heart disease, or just not being able to participate in the activities that my child and I enjoy, like hiking (too sweaty and gets hot easily) or camping (can't sleep without a CPAP machine) so I was hoping she would discuss weight loss options with the doctor. My wife and I had actually started talking about weight loss surgery, or one of the diet pill companies, because she had tried one years ago with some success.

She went to her appointment, didn't talk to me about what was discussed, so I had to ask if she talked about weight loss. She was very annoyed that I asked, but said that they did talk about it. This is the breakdown of the discussion: She (the doctor) isn't a proponent of weight loss surgery. Fentermine is a popular drug, but causes heart and sleep issues, and causes more weight gain if you stop taking it. There is a med for diabetics that helps people lose about 30 pounds, but it's $400 a month, which isn't worth it for 30 pounds. Losing weight is hard, but the best route is diet and exercise. 

This is the point that I realized that she would never lose weight. Never. I lost any and all hope that I had for her losing weight, not having a stroke, not eventually getting diabetes or having bad knees or a bad back, and being able to participate in activities that I enjoy with my child. A medical professional had confirmed her thoughts about losing weight, and reinforced any excuse that she had previously. Diet and exercise is the way, and she hasn't tried to diet or exercise in 10 years, nor has she ever talked about it on her own. To top it off, her blood work came back normal, which I am thankful for, but she is in her mid 30's and still able to be unhealthy. I fear that it will catch up to her.

Now I know that she won't be participating with my child or myself, I know that her issues that cause her irritability will continue (sweating, chafing) and I know that there is a good chance that she will eventually have a serious health issue because of her weight, and these things are causing me terrible anxiety. I can't sleep because I worry about our future, and if she is going to be able to be a part of it, or if she'll have to sit on the sidelines. She did recently mention going to the gym with her sister, but her sister is a flake and I know it will never happen. I also asked why she didn't work out at home, seeing as how we have all of the equipment. No response. But the real answer is, she has no desire. While I have been exercising and dieting and have lost 31 pounds so far (I am pudgy, but only working out because of my own opinion of myself. No one has ever said a word about me being heavy, because I'm not) she is on her phone. 

I said to myself, before the doctor's appointment was ever made, that I would never be with her if she weighed 300 pounds. I know the number is arbitrary, I don't know why I focused on it, but I knew that she was well above 200, and there had to be a weight that was unacceptable to me. After her appointment she left her records in my vehicle. She weighed 289. I never said a word to her about looking at them, or about her weight. Technically, I "don't know" how much she weighs because I haven't asked. I've basically relegated myself to preparing for a life without her, which I don't want. I love my wife, fat or not, but I miss her too. I miss her before I have a chance to be with her, because I know that she won't be able to do things with me. I also have to hear from our child that other kids are bringing up her weight, or making comments about his mom being fat, so I have to talk to him about not judging someone based on their weight, while also making sure he understands that some things are much more difficult if a person is heavy, and there are health issues that can be associated with that, while also not sounding like I'm disparaging his mother. I am very stressed about this.

Finally, yes, I have talked to her about these issues ad nauseam. I have tried to get her to exercise with me. I have tried to take over responsibilities at home (I have always been at least 50% of a caregiver for our child, and I also do all of the housework and yardwork, even working a full-time job) so she would have time to exercise, but she doesn't. I have tried to get her to take the dogs on walks and she won't. I am at my wits end. I have basically started removing myself physically and emotionally from her to avoid the inevitable heartbreak, and I don't want to do that. I just don't know what to do at this point. 

TL;DR My wife's excuses to avoid losing weight were reinforced by her doctor, and I'm worried that I will have to live large parts of my life without her, either because she can't participate due to her weight and those complications, or because she could possibly die.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I apologize if I missed it, but I see where her doctor doesn’t recommend weight loss surgery but not where the doctor said weight loss was impossible. What do you mean when you say the doctor reinforced her excuses?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

So, what did you figure out? That she is not going to lose weight, but in fact may continue to gain weight?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You didn’t mention her height but that weight is obviously well into the morbidly obese range. However, you also can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do. There have been a number of threads like yours over the years and rarely, if ever, is there a good resolution. She has to want to change and so far she doesn’t. She may one day or she may not. You’ll have to decide how you feel about life with her if she continues to gain weight as she likely will.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Time and history proves that you won’t have any say in the matter. Decide what you want to do…or not do about it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We all have morbidly obese friends. 
Some of them are the nicest people, mine are, both male and female.

You are correct that she will pay dearly for her weight, later on, getting diabetes, arthritis, bad knees and joints.
And, getting those knees and hips replaced in their sixties, 15 years, too soon.

Either live with them, or leave them.
Leave them before they suffer greatly and die, too young.

I have a practical answer.
I have no _moral _answer.

I blame those _Taurus, Pisces_ genetics.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You've discussed her weight many times.
You've tried to get her to exercise with you.
You've taken over home and childcare responsibilities by at least 50% and you do the housework and yardwork, so she'll have time to exercise.
You've suggested she walk the dogs.



51Pieces said:


> I just don't know what to do at this point.


Stop enabling. Stop helping. She has made it abundantly clear she's not going to change. Accept it or have an exit strategy in place.

P.S. - Does your wife work? I don't believe you mentioned that.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I apologize if I missed it, but I see where her doctor doesn’t recommend weight loss surgery but not where the doctor said weight loss was impossible. What do you mean when you say the doctor reinforced her excuses?


The options that were discussed between her and I were weight loss surgery, which she said was too expensive and she wouldn't be able to stop working for long enough to recover, and medications, which she said she didn't want because she didn't like the sleep issues that came with them, or they were also too expensive. The doctor basically told her that those options weren't recommended for those reasons and others, so it just reinforced her previous excuses to not look into those options. Which basically means there are no options for weight loss, because anything other than diet and exercise isn't going to work for her, and she hasn't and won't diet or exercise.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> You've discussed her weight many times.
> You've tried to get her to exercise with you.
> You've taken over home and childcare responsibilities by at least 50% and you do the housework and yardwork, so she'll have time to exercise.
> You've suggested she walk the dogs.
> ...


She does work, but once she is home, she doesn't do much. I make dinner and clean in the evenings, the most she does is give our son a bath and help him get ready for bed. From 6pm-bedtime she has between 4 and 5 hours to exercise. She said she needed to go to the gym in the evening, but she has had ample opportunity to exercise at home in the evening, and doesn't, so I don't think paying for a gym membership that will barely be used would be beneficial.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> So, what did you figure out? That she is not going to lose weight, but in fact may continue to gain weight?


Sorry, I wasn't clear on that. I guess I figured out what was causing all of my anxiety and withdrawal symptoms, and I figured out that change is probably never going to happen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t have more children (assuming, of course, that she wants more and could get pregnant).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I feel bad for you, OP. And your wife, too. You sound like you both love each other, but your wife just won't see that she needs to make a change, for her health. For her kids. Sad that your kids are hearing comments, although kids can be mean. I'm not sure what it will take and I'm not sure if anyone can tell you to leave, since you do love her. 

I don't know, maybe an intervention of some kind? She may hate that, but this is about her health and future.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

"I said to myself, before the doctor's appointment was ever made, that I would never be with her if she weighed 300 pounds. I know the number is arbitrary, I don't know why I focused on it, but I knew that she was well above 200, and there had to be a weight that was unacceptable to me. After her appointment she left her records in my vehicle. She weighed 289."

I too had a similar thought. My W is a foot shorter than I but weighs 209. I remember saying years ago that as soon as her weight exceeded mine, I was done. That sad milestone came and went. She now weighs 40lb more than I do. Her Mother has been morbidly obese most of her adult life, and my W is following in those sad footsteps.

Just as anorexia is a mental illness, so is morbid obesity. The sufferer normalizes being 2 or even 3 times normal healthy weight and sees normal-weight people as "sick" or "scrawny" or "could break them like a twig". Even though there is no difference in skeleton weight between a 300lb and a 100lb woman of the same height. And sadly, tolerance/normalization of this mental illness is not the answer, just as it is not the answer to other mental illnesses. By trying to force society to be tolerant of mental illness, an inversion is created where tolerating something like this and pretending it is normal requires or even creates mental illness.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, has she tried cutting carbs to less than ~50 a day.... even without exercise, that should cause the weight to fly off, even while eating a lot.

Have you specifically told her that you worry about the long term effects and that this could end the marriage?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> "I said to myself, before the doctor's appointment was ever made, that I would never be with her if she weighed 300 pounds. I know the number is arbitrary, I don't know why I focused on it, but I knew that she was well above 200, and there had to be a weight that was unacceptable to me. After her appointment she left her records in my vehicle. She weighed 289."
> 
> I too had a similar thought. My W is a foot shorter than I but weighs 209. I remember saying years ago that as soon as her weight exceeded mine, I was done. That sad milestone came and went. She now weighs 40lb more than I do. Her Mother has been morbidly obese most of her adult life, and my W is following in those sad footsteps.
> 
> Just as anorexia is a mental illness, so is morbid obesity. The sufferer normalizes being 2 or even 3 times normal healthy weight and sees normal-weight people as "sick" or "scrawny" or "could break them like a twig". Even though there is no difference in skeleton weight between a 300lb and a 100lb woman of the same height. And sadly, tolerance/normalization of this mental illness is not the answer, just as it is not the answer to other mental illnesses. By trying to force society to be tolerant of mental illness, an inversion is created where tolerating something like this and pretending it is normal requires or even creates mental illness.


That's a really interesting perspective, Jeff. I hadn't ever likened obesity to anorexia, in the direction of mental illness. I know a few obese people who have struggled with their weight since childhood, and they eat for comfort to mask pain. Pain of past trauma. I'm sure the reasons for everyone varies, but I think that aspect of it has to heal first for some people, before they can actually focus on the weight loss part.


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## AzovSteel (6 mo ago)

51Pieces said:


> $400 a month, which isn't worth it for 30 pounds.


i would rethink this statement


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

51Pieces said:


> The options that were discussed between her and I were weight loss surgery, which she said was too expensive and she wouldn't be able to stop working for long enough to recover, and medications, which she said she didn't want because she didn't like the sleep issues that came with them, or they were also too expensive. The doctor basically told her that those options weren't recommended for those reasons and others, so it just reinforced her previous excuses to not look into those options. Which basically means there are no options for weight loss, because anything other than diet and exercise isn't going to work for her, and she hasn't and won't diet or exercise.


Diet and exercise work for everyone. That is an excuse. I’m doing it and it’s taking years and years but I’m still doing it. I’m so hungry I’m dizzy and can’t sleep, I’m sore all the time. I’m not buying there is no option for her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

51Pieces said:


> She does work, but once she is home, she doesn't do much. I make dinner and clean in the evenings, the most she does is give our son a bath and help him get ready for bed. From 6pm-bedtime she has between 4 and 5 hours to exercise. She said she needed to go to the gym in the evening, but she has had ample opportunity to exercise at home in the evening, and doesn't, so I don't think paying for a gym membership that will barely be used would be beneficial.


It’s less about exercise and mostly about diet. Exercise is great, but it won’t do a damn thing if she doesn’t get her nutrition/diet in check. And that’s largely a matter of motivation and discipline.

The question is, why is she so unmotivated and undisciplined in the face of her own health risks, the fact that she’s unattractive to her husband (and to most people) and the risks all of that puts on her (and your) family and child?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Diet and exercise work for everyone. That is an excuse. I’m doing it and it’s taking years and years but I’m still doing it. I’m so hungry I’m dizzy and can’t sleep, I’m sore all the time. I’m not buying there is no option for her.


Absolutely. I do intermittent fasting, plus I don’t eat as much as I did when I was her age, and that works very well — for me. She needs to find what works for her. The problem is not that there’s no option, it’s that she isn’t interested.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How tall is she?

I think your marriage is over and you should prepare for that step.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Livvie said:


> How tall is she?
> 
> I think your marriage is over and you should prepare for that step.


Even at 7' tall, pushing 300 can't be good....


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

51Pieces said:


> I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have an elementary aged child together. *My issue is and always has been her weight. I made the classic move of looking at the life we could have together in regard to family, and I always thought she would be a great mother and we could live a happy life together, and for the most part, we have.* Our child is great, our marriage in general is good, but over the years we have had intimacy issues.


Are you saying that she was overweight before you married her, yet you married her anyway? Because the future you saw with her was (at the time) more important than her weight?



> Initially we didn't have trouble in the bedroom. *She was a big girl, but I didn't care because everything was new and fresh and we had fun together*. But as the years went on, *I started disliking her weight.*


So, nothing changed with her, but you became discontent? 



> I started talking to her about her weight then, *even telling her at one point that I was having a difficult time finding her attractive.* I know that's a terrible thing to hear, but it was the truth. Nothing happened.


Nasty and manipulative.



> So, 10 years later, I started acting out, in a sense. I thought that maybe if she tried new lingerie it would be sexy, and it was initially. I asked her to take nudes for me, which she did, and I liked them. But through all of this, my interest in sex would wane, even if she was doing the things that used to turn me on.


So, she did everything you asked, yet you remain(ed) discontent. 



> ...and I finally talked my wife into going to the doctor for a checkup, which she had been avoiding.
> 
> In the 10 years we were together, her weight became a health issue for me. Attraction be damned, I love my wife, and I knew that she had put on more weight, and was probably at her heaviest in the past year. I was worried about diabetes, or heart disease, or just not being able to participate in the activities that my child and I enjoy, like hiking (too sweaty and gets hot easily) or camping (can't sleep without a CPAP machine) so I was hoping she would discuss weight loss options with the doctor. My wife and I had actually started talking about weight loss surgery, or one of the diet pill companies, because she had tried one years ago with some success.


Maybe you are genuinely concerned, but I think it's secondary. To me, because of what you've shared, it comes across like you bringing up 'health' is a way to get what you want - which a slimmer wife, that you've never had.



> Finally, yes, I have talked to her about these issues ad nauseam.


And this could be a reason that she doesn't budge. You don't accept her. 

Perhaps stop trying to control her and focus on you and your areas of weakness?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

minimalME said:


> Are you saying that she was overweight before you married her, yet you married her anyway? Because the future you saw with her was (at the time) more important than her weight?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If he’s not attracted to her, then that’s a huge issue for their marriage. 
And he doesn’t have to accept her weight if he’s no longer attracted to her because of it. 
and she has put on more weight, so she is even heavier than when they married.

And it’s not nasty or manipulative to tell her honestly that he’s not attracted to her because of her weight. It gives her the option to lose weight so that she’s attractive to her husband, if she chooses to.

I suspect her weight was always an issue, he just chose to overlook it in the beginning. Which was stupid and ultimately unfair to her.
- This was his mistake, and to the extent that he needs to work on his own issues, it’s why he chose to do that.

But he said that she has continued to put on even more weight, and then it’s becoming more unattractive and more of a health issue.

And he’s not required to spend the rest of his life in a marriage with a fat woman (who chooses to remain fat, and apparently is getting fatter) that he’s not attracted to.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

There are so many reasons why someone decides, without realizing, that they would rather not be lighter. Insecurity issues that can be avoided if one KNOWS that they're not going to have to worry about this or that because they're so heavy. It's kind of bizarre; it's not the way most think, but sometimes fear of intimacy itself can cause someone to want to put on weight so they're not attractive to their spouse. At least that's their thinking. And if their spouse is still interested in them, still desires sexual intimacy, it can become even worse.

Eating disorders are a real thing. The motivations will confound you. You would think someone would want to be healthier, would want to be desired. My wife suffered from this, and it's only now that the reasons have become known. She broke out of it herself, first trying to force it (gastric bypass) and then finally embracing it when she recognized all the stuff she would like to do, but couldn't, when traveling with me. 

There is zero point in having a rational discussion with your wife. Zero. It will go nowhere. There is some hope in therapy, but you need to be open to supporting your wife when weird stuff comes out that may involve you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some eat to overcome depression. She is committing slow suicide.
She may be doing it so you won't pester her for sex.

Some eat because it makes them feel good, it does.

Some eat because they are destined to be heavy, she is one of them. 
It is genetic, plus her mother set the eating/living example.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> If he’s not attracted to her, then that’s a huge issue for their marriage.


She was big before he married her, and he married her anyway, and then has spent their entire marriage complaining about her weight.



> And he doesn’t have to accept her weight if he’s no longer attracted to her because of it.
> and she has put on more weight, so she is even heavier than when they married.


You're right - he doesn't have to accept it. Contentment is a choice.



> And it’s not nasty or manipulative to tell her honestly that he’s not attracted to her because of her weight. It gives her the option to lose weight so that she’s attractive to her husband, if she chooses to.


So, let's say you have a small bank account or a high school degree or are going bald, and I choose to marry you. But then I spend the rest of our marriage complaining about it.

This affects people. It's depressing to be constantly barraged with dissatisfaction. Surely you can understand that?



> But he said that she has continued to put on even more weight, and then it’s becoming more unattractive and more of a health issue.


Yes, because he spends his maritial energy obsessing about what he doesn't have. _Even when she complies, he still complains._



> And he’s not required to spend the rest of his life in a marriage with a fat woman (who chooses to remain fat, and apparently is getting fatter) that he’s not attracted to.


You're right. How ridiculous to expect someone to accept the consequences of their choices. At least you've established that, in your mind, it has absolutely nothing to do with being concerned _about her._


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

51Pieces said:


> I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have an elementary aged child together. My issue is and always has been her weight. I made the classic move of looking at the life we could have together in regard to family, and I always thought she would be a great mother and we could live a happy life together, and for the most part, we have. Our child is great, our marriage in general is good, but over the years we have had intimacy issues.
> 
> Initially we didn't have trouble in the bedroom. She was a big girl, but I didn't care because everything was new and fresh and we had fun together. But as the years went on, I started disliking her weight. It wasn't based off of her looks because she still looked good, but I noticed that it started getting in the way of not only intimacy, but daily life. She would get sweaty quickly and then become irritated because she was sweaty (that has never gone away) and she couldn't perform some sexual maneuvers because of her weight (can't be on top for too long cause she gets tired, her knees start to hurt, etc.) I started talking to her about her weight then, even telling her at one point that I was having a difficult time finding her attractive. I know that's a terrible thing to hear, but it was the truth. Nothing happened.
> 
> ...


Has she has her thyroid and parathyroid checked by an endocrinologist?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

minimalME said:


> Are you saying that she was overweight before you married her, yet you married her anyway? Because the future you saw with her was (at the time) more important than her weight?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Why is not being attracted to a very obese spouse an area of weakness? 

It's not.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Why is not being attracted to a very obese spouse an area of weakness?
> 
> It's not.


You're twisting what I wrote.

He married her large. 

So, he either found her attractive at one point, or it was the best he could do at the time.

Either way, he knew who she was before they got married, yet he's been harping about it for entire marriage.

He decided at some arbitrary point it wasn't okay anymore. 

He has weaknesses. My suggestion was that he focus on those instead of those of his wife.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

minimalME said:


> She was big before he married her, and he married her anyway, and then has spent their entire marriage complaining about her weight.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I see you left off the part where I acknowledged that he should not have overlooked her weight in the beginning of it bothered him, that it wasn’t fair to her, and that that was his issue.

that said, despite his stupidity in marrying a woman he wasn’t attracted to in the first place, he does not need to be condemned to a life with a woman he’s not sexually attracted to. That will never be a good marriage, even if he tries his best.

We see stories all the time of women leaving or behaving badly because they lost attraction for their husband. 
And what are we always tell the men? We tell them this is on you, either improve yourself and get more attractive if you still want the marriage, or leave. And that is absolutely correct


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> That will never be a good marriage, even if he tries his best.


And I disagree. 😁

He's not been trying his best. He's basically complained his way through this marriage.

If anything, he just creates new hoops for her to jump through, so he can say, 'no that didn't do it either - you're still the problem.'

All the while, feigning concern about her health. 

I'm done. I'm not going back and forth with you about it anymore. I simply have a different perspective.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> that said, despite his stupidity in marrying a woman he wasn’t attracted to in the first place, he does not need to be condemned to a life with a woman he’s not sexually attracted to. That will never be a good marriage, even if he tries his best.


But he married her, and she may have had the impression that her physical appearance wasn't an issue for him. She could feel like the rug's been pulled out from under her; at the very least, she might consider him dishonest. The second sentence in his original post (emphasis added by me)



> My issue is and *always has been* her weight


And then later he adds-


> As the years went on, I started disliking her weight


I can't find where he says she promised him a slimmer version down the road. He talks about himself being pudgy but working out "because of my own opinion about myself." But doesn't really seem to understand that works both ways; it's her opinion about herself that matters, and it's not evident that he understands her issues. Only that she's too heavy for him.

I can't believe his wife isn't picking up on his distaste for her appearance. Her self-esteem might be in tatters. But the conversation here is that he deserves someone he's sexually attracted to. Well, so does she. Would be interesting to hear the other side on this one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How much weight has she gained since you married her?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> But he married her, and she may have had the impression that her physical appearance wasn't an issue for him. She could feel like the rug's been pulled out from under her; at the very least, she might consider him dishonest. The second sentence in his original post (emphasis added by me)
> 
> 
> And then later he adds-
> ...


Which is why I also acknowledged that he shouldn’t have overlooked his lack of attraction for her in the first place, and that it was not fair to her. 
That said, we are where we are at this point. So what to do now?

And if she came here, what would we tell a man in her position - whose wife told him she was no longer attracted to him, maybe never was in the first place, and was thinking about leaving him because of the lack of attraction.

What would we tell that man?
We would tell him that if he still wanted the marriage, that he should get in shape and get more attractive. 
We would tell him to accept the reality of his situation and either get more attractive, or leave. And that would be correct advice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

51Pieces said:


> She does work, but once she is home, she doesn't do much. I make dinner and clean in the evenings, the most she does is give our son a bath and help him get ready for bed. From 6pm-bedtime she has between 4 and 5 hours to exercise. She said she needed to go to the gym in the evening, but she has had ample opportunity to exercise at home in the evening, and doesn't, so I don't think paying for a gym membership that will barely be used would be beneficial.


You’re an enabler.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Personal recommendation: don't get weight loss surgery unless there is a stomach issue that requires it. I know two women who had it and in both cases they did lose some weight at first, but it did not change their behavior. They could eat less at one time, but felt like they could still eat whatever they wanted and became fat again over time. One of them would sit and eat an entire bag of candy over the course of one day, but hey she had weight loss surgery so it was ok.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

In my experience, this is a path that she will not leave. The fatter and older she gets, the less inclined to do anything about it she will become. She will only lose weight if you separate from her, if then.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Op, I am in the same situation just older. When my wife and I married she weighed a healthy 123 lbs at 21 and 5'6". Now at 59 she was an incredible 317 lbs. I'm a bit over weight my self at 61 and just shy of 5'8". I hit the scales today at 220. Down from 260 a few years ago when I found out I had diabetes. She too convinced herself she was ok in the mid 200 lbs area by saying her blood work was great, no diabetes and good blood pressure. Well years rolled on and so did the lbs. She topped 332 lbs for awhile. She blew out her left knee in the early 2000's, has bad ankles, has a herniated L-4 disc now. We had a daughter in 2002 and sadly she has never seen her mom run in her 20 years of life and likely never will. I have been doing 90% of house work for years and have recently taken over cooking chores most days. I am retiring from my second job in 3 more years and I've looked her in the eye, as well as my therapist and asked how is it fair to me that I'll spent over 50+ years working to retire to take care of her SAHW/SAHM. We miss so many opportunities due to her weight issues, so now she has been using fenteramine to help loose weight. Only way she truly loose the needed weight will be surgery.
I swear I could have written your posting!! I truly feel your pain, deeply. I can only hope she wakes up before it's to late.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> That's a really interesting perspective, Jeff. I hadn't ever likened obesity to anorexia, in the direction of mental illness. I know a few obese people who have struggled with their weight since childhood, and they eat for comfort to mask pain. Pain of past trauma. I'm sure the reasons for everyone varies, but I think that aspect of it has to heal first for some people, before they can actually focus on the weight loss part.


Yes, in my years of experience being related to a family of morbidly obese people, common behavioral aspects emerge. They actually call people who are at a healthy weight "anorexic" or "emaciated", which is eerily similar to how people suffering from anorexia view even healthy weight people as "fat" or "slobs". There is absolutely a nurture component, and we've all seen families of morbidly obese people out in public with their young children who are already obese. Even their pets are often obese. Peer pressure increases the likelihood of this condition. It's a food addiction.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

51Pieces said:


> Sorry, I wasn't clear on that. I guess I figured out what was causing all of my anxiety and withdrawal symptoms, and I figured out that change is probably never going to happen.


In my mind I keep picturing the morbidly obese actress on the show This Is Us, where everyone ignores the extremely unhealthy morbidly obese daughter and lauds everything about her yet won't address the reality that she's so overweight she'll die young and is presently very physically limited. No one apparently loves her enough to be more honest with her and maybe have a food intervention.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> In my mind I keep picturing the morbidly obese actress on the show This Is Us, where everyone ignores the extremely unhealthy morbidly obese daughter and lauds everything about her yet won't address the reality that she's so overweight she'll die young and is presently very physically limited. No one apparently loves her enough to be more honest with her and maybe have a food intervention.


All of this is true. But in this case, the real issue is the OP married someone he wasn’t attracted to and is expecting her to change into something else after the fact. That was dishonest. I hope this woman does wake up, does start working on weight loss for health reasons, because she is dangerously overweight. But for the OP, he needs to divorce because the entire marriage was predicated on a lie. He is not attracted to her. He never was. He made a mistake marrying her and should fix that. This is like when a woman marries a man who has some characteristic she doesn’t like and then expects him to magically change into something else. That rarely if ever happens. You should never marry someone hoping they will change, it’s not fair to either person.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Don’t have more children (assuming, of course, that she wants more and could get pregnant).


Not a chance, got the snip


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I feel bad for you, OP. And your wife, too. You sound like you both love each other, but your wife just won't see that she needs to make a change, for her health. For her kids. Sad that your kids are hearing comments, although kids can be mean. I'm not sure what it will take and I'm not sure if anyone can tell you to leave, since you do love her.
> 
> I don't know, maybe an intervention of some kind? She may hate that, but this is about her health and future.


I've been trying my best to wait her out to see if she makes a change on her own. I don't want to get a divorce, but that will have to be the ultimatum if there is an intervention, and I'm not ready to do that just yet.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> OP, has she tried cutting carbs to less than ~50 a day.... even without exercise, that should cause the weight to fly off, even while eating a lot.
> 
> Have you specifically told her that you worry about the long term effects and that this could end the marriage?


When she did lose weight (which was more than 10 years ago) it was with a combination of low carb, vitamin B12 injections, and another medication. She didn't reach her goal weight then and gave up, and, long term, has gained a considerable amount. I have mentioned to her that I worried about her long term health, which was why I was disheartened to hear that the doctor had basically given her the green light to do nothing, except the thing she won't do, which is diet and exercise. I haven't mentioned it could end the marriage because that's the last thing I want, and for me to bring that up as an outcome would mean I would have to be prepared to implement that plan, and I'm not ready for that just yet.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

AzovSteel said:


> i would rethink this statement


I would also, but it wouldn't put her within a hundred pounds of her healthy weight anyway. And if 30 pounds is all she'll lose (according to the doctor) then she already has a reason to not look into that option.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Diet and exercise work for everyone. That is an excuse. I’m doing it and it’s taking years and years but I’m still doing it. I’m so hungry I’m dizzy and can’t sleep, I’m sore all the time. I’m not buying there is no option for her.


Of course there are options, but there is an excuse to not follow any of them. When weight loss comes up, her response is always that she doesn't have time to exercise. While this isn't true, it's also not true that she needs to exercise to lose weight. But she doesn't diet either, so nothing is going to work if nothing at all is tried.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Absolutely. I do intermittent fasting, plus I don’t eat as much as I did when I was her age, and that works very well — for me. She needs to find what works for her. The problem is not that there’s no option, it’s that she isn’t interested.


I also do intermittent fasting, but it's because I don't generally eat breakfast anyway, and I never think about food when I'm busy, so it's easier for me to skip lunch. She once said she should try intermittent fasting, and I told her that I basically do that anyway, and she rolled her eyes and never tried it.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> How tall is she?
> 
> I think your marriage is over and you should prepare for that step.


She's 5 foot 7 or 8. I'm not ready to end the marriage over her weight, at least not yet. I have strong feelings about her weight and her health, but I can't use that to justify leaving her at this point.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

51Pieces said:


> Of course there are options, but there is an excuse to not follow any of them. When weight loss comes up, her response is always that she doesn't have time to exercise. While this isn't true, it's also not true that she needs to exercise to lose weight. But she doesn't diet either, so nothing is going to work if nothing at all is tried.


Yeah, she isn’t going to change.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> In my mind I keep picturing the morbidly obese actress on the show This Is Us, where everyone ignores the extremely unhealthy morbidly obese daughter and lauds everything about her yet won't address the reality that she's so overweight she'll die young and is presently very physically limited. No one apparently loves her enough to be more honest with her and maybe have a food intervention.


One problem is that she has too much reinforcement at work as well. Work lunches almost daily, snacks, a coworker who has had weight loss surgery and lost a significant amount of weight, but who talks about food like a body positive fat person, meaning "This fat girl needs another roll" kind of talk, which just makes it sound like overeating is no big deal, even though she literally cannot eat more food because of the surgery.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> All of this is true. But in this case, the real issue is the OP married someone he wasn’t attracted to and is expecting her to change into something else after the fact. That was dishonest. I hope this woman does wake up, does start working on weight loss for health reasons, because she is dangerously overweight. But for the OP, he needs to divorce because the entire marriage was predicated on a lie. He is not attracted to her. He never was. He made a mistake marrying her and should fix that. This is like when a woman marries a man who has some characteristic she doesn’t like and then expects him to magically change into something else. That rarely if ever happens. You should never marry someone hoping they will change, it’s not fair to either person.


Oh, I was plenty attracted to her initially. That's why the marriage has lasted so long, because we love each other, have similar views, and we work well together. The problem isn't that she was big when we got together, the problem is that she has continued to gain weight. We were 3 or 4 years in when I told her that I wasn't as attracted to her, and now that isn't even the issue. The issue is that I worry that she could possibly cause an early death by being unhealthy, and I don't want to lose her.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> Are you saying that she was overweight before you married her, yet you married her anyway? Because the future you saw with her was (at the time) more important than her weight?
> 
> Yes, she was probably 220 when we started dating, and then she got her weight down to 187 before starting the upward trend and never stopping. My attraction was to her personality, and I didn't think her weight would be an issue because she could put in the work to lose it. Now, she is more than 100 pounds overweight, and while I can't be certain her weight isn't increasing, she isn't working for it go down.
> 
> ...


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> If he’s not attracted to her, then that’s a huge issue for their marriage.
> And he doesn’t have to accept her weight if he’s no longer attracted to her because of it.
> and she has put on more weight, so she is even heavier than when they married.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I think you get me. She was overweight when we got together, but nothing that couldn't be worked on. I am 2 pounds heavier than the day we got married, and 15 pounds heavier than when we started dating. She is now almost 70 pounds heavier than when we got together, and 100+ pounds heavier than her lowest.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Has she has her thyroid and parathyroid checked by an endocrinologist?


I'm pretty sure she has


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> You're twisting what I wrote.
> 
> He married her large.
> 
> ...


I found her personality attractive to the point of overlooking her weight. It was always an issue, but she was aware of it and talked about it and put in some effort then, but nothing major. I never said I had been harping her over it, it is just an area of concern that I have brought up often, more often than she would like, but often, because it is and has been an issue. The point in time wasn't arbitrary, the weight was. I said if she hit 300 pounds I would leave her, and 300 was an arbitrary number. I started becoming concerned when I realized that I don't even ask her to do things with me anymore because I know the outcome. If I were to ask her to go on a hike with me, she either wouldn't go, or would go and complain about being sweaty, or hot, or her ankles or back hurting, or chafing, or a myriad of other things. I am missing out on family time with my wife because she isn't involved in some of the activities that my child and I enjoy, I am missing out on time with her because I don't ask her to participate because of the outcome, and I fear missing out in the future, not just in physical activity, but because of losing her. I love the outdoors and I want to go on extended camping trips, but unless I purchase a generator and we stay only at a campground (due to her needing a CPAP to sleep at night) she won't be going. So now I have to make the choice of not participating in activities that I enjoy, participating in lesser activities that I won't enjoy because of her health needs, or just not doing those activities at all. If I don't do them, our child doesn't do them. And when we go without her, and I have to answer "why doesn't mom come with us?" I am forced to either tell a difficult truth to my child, who may or may not understand, or start to develop negative attitudes towards his mother, or lie.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

This is a fascinating topic because of all of the connections to other parts of relationships. Another thing I've thought a lot about is the component of "lizard brain" or instinctual behavior. We are visual creatures, and there is no denying that we are aroused by the sight of a healthy physique - and that is a subconscious response, deep in the back of our minds. Physical fitness IS important - both because it's instinctually attractive and because it indicates to our rational minds that we are in firm control of our physical selves.

Just think of people you've known who have either gained or lost a bunch of weight, and how your subconscious thinking about them changed. Of course, your rational mind felt the same, but your subconscious/lizard brain had a different perspective. And sadly (or perhaps thankfully), our lizard brains drive our sexual attraction mechanics.

You can try to rationalize yourself to be attracted to someone, but unless your subconscious is on board, it's not going to happen.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> And I disagree. 😁
> 
> He's not been trying his best. He's basically complained his way through this marriage.
> 
> ...


While most of how you interpret the situation is wrong, you hit on a key point. The part about creating hoops that don't work is absolutely true, and I've seen that. That is on me, 100%, and my justification for that was to try to talk about anything else but weight. I kept telling myself that maybe the weight wasn't the issue, she was big when I started dating her, but as the hoops came and went, there were few options left as the problem except her weight. But don't act like I'm feigning concern about her health. She and I both have a good family with each other and our child, which is something neither of us had as children. I want to keep that, and I want the relationship to flourish.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> But he married her, and she may have had the impression that her physical appearance wasn't an issue for him. She could feel like the rug's been pulled out from under her; at the very least, she might consider him dishonest. The second sentence in his original post (emphasis added by me)
> 
> 
> And then later he adds-
> ...


I hope my initial post didn't make it sound like this was all about sexual attraction. While it could have been like that early on in the relationship, it is no longer only about attraction based on looks, but about losing attraction because of her missing out on my life, or me missing out on life with her, because of her weight. If I wanted to go rock climbing, she couldn't do it. If I wanted to go on a week long hike and camping trip, she couldn't go because of her sleep apnea, which is due to her weight. Hell, we can't even watch a movie together without her falling asleep. Could I be attracted to a fat woman? Absolutely, and often. Could I be attracted to a woman who couldn't participate in my lifestyle? Less likely, but depends on the reason (disability, for example.) But I'm supposed to be attracted to a woman who can no longer participate in my lifestyle because of poor choices? Not very likely at all.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

51Pieces said:


> I've been trying my best to wait her out to see if she makes a change on her own. I don't want to get a divorce, but that will have to be the ultimatum if there is an intervention, and I'm not ready to do that just yet.


Since you're doing most of the house work I assume you are also in charge of the grocery shopping. 

Buy a few different books on nutrition, not diets nutrition. Go through your kitchen get rid of all processed foods, sugars everything. Only buy healthy unprocessed foods. Do the math and only buy enough food for the week if everyone eats normal healthy meals. If she works make her lunches to bring to work. 

Don't make her need to lose weight about her size, it's about her not being able to share a life with you, it's about not being able to participate fully in her childs life. It's about her choosing to not want to share in the life you have envisioned having. You only live once and this is not the life you want to live. 

If she cared at all she would talk to the doctor about finding out if there are any medical issues that could be preventing her from losing weight. If her doctor just pushes surgery she should find a new doctor. She should have her bloodwork done to see if there are any thyroid issues or hormonal imbalances that could be a road block. If there are not any issues, at her weight with proper nutrition, calorie control and exercise she could lose 60lbs in a year.

It doesn't sound like she will be at all motivated to change her lifestyle to avoid a future of constant medical, mobility and relationship issues. You're probably going to have to decide if you can be happy with that future as well.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You’re an enabler.


I agree that I enable her, but not for the purpose of enabling. I said that I did those things to give her time to exercise, and that was true when it came up in conversation with her about exercising. I agreed to take on more evening responsibilities for her, but she didn't keep her part of the agreement. Now I do the housework and yardwork and everything else because if I don't, no one will. I can't have my child go to school in dirty clothes, I can't let him eat off of dirty dishes, and I can't let him live in a filthy house. So I do it for his sake more than hers.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Another thing I've thought a lot about is men who are "too nice". I was in that category, and it did not drive my W to try to get healthy.

Another woman I know was her thinnest when she was dating a scumbag who cheated on her, treated her like garbage, and gave her an STD. She has been married to a stable, solid, nice guy for 11 years, and her weight has ballooned steadily to the point where she is over 200 on a 5'2" frame.

It's perhaps a comfort thing, but there is also an element of respect for the partner. The thing I find very odd: There are countless examples where the worse men treat women, the more likely those women are to care about their physical attractiveness to those same men. Does that imply that women respect us more when we aren't afraid to treat them badly? This is perhaps one of the great mysteries of male-female interaction.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

51Pieces said:


> I hope my initial post didn't make it sound like this was all about sexual attraction. While it could have been like that early on in the relationship, it is no longer only about attraction based on looks, but about losing attraction because of her missing out on my life, or me missing out on life with her, because of her weight. If I wanted to go rock climbing, she couldn't do it. If I wanted to go on a week long hike and camping trip, she couldn't go because of her sleep apnea, which is due to her weight. Hell, we can't even watch a movie together without her falling asleep. Could I be attracted to a fat woman? Absolutely, and often. Could I be attracted to a woman who couldn't participate in my lifestyle? Less likely, but depends on the reason (disability, for example.) But I'm supposed to be attracted to a woman who can no longer participate in my lifestyle because of poor choices? Not very likely at all.


What is her response when you point these things out, and the fact that she is missing out on doing things with you guys as a family? Have you ever asked her what she sees for her future? Does she expect that she will never have health issues from so much weight?


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Since you're doing most of the house work I assume you are also in charge of the grocery shopping.
> 
> Buy a few different books on nutrition, not diets nutrition. Go through your kitchen get rid of all processed foods, sugars everything. Only buy healthy unprocessed foods. Do the math and only buy enough food for the week if everyone eats normal healthy meals. If she works make her lunches to bring to work.
> 
> ...


Eating at home is rarely the issue. I prepare meals nearly every evening, but I have to do so for 4 of us so it can be difficult. Having said that, meals are generally healthy. I can't control what she eats at work, and I have tried making lunch for her before and she "forgets" to bring it with her. She did talk to her doctor about losing weight, but I'm sure it wasn't a serious attempt. Her thyroid is fine and she hasn't been on birth control (I got a vasectomy) for 6 months, but she was always on it before. She refuses to get on a scale to check her weight because she doesn't like the number, but that doesn't stop her from eating a bowl of cereal every night after dinner, which is during the time she could be exercising. There is just no motivation.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I think because your wife has cheated a few times will make you lose feelings, trust, respect, attraction etc. Could this be more of a problem than her weight? I'd lose all all my attraction to my husband if he had affair/affairs. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Another thing I've thought a lot about is men who are "too nice". I was in that category, and it did not drive my W to try to get healthy.
> 
> Another woman I know was her thinnest when she was dating a scumbag who cheated on her, treated her like garbage, and gave her an STD. She has been married to a stable, solid, nice guy for 11 years, and her weight has ballooned steadily to the point where she is over 200 on a 5'2" frame.
> 
> It's perhaps a comfort thing, but there is also an element of respect for the partner. The thing I find very odd: There are countless examples where the worse men treat women, the more likely those women are to care about their physical attractiveness to those same men. Does that imply that women respect us more when we aren't afraid to treat them badly? This is perhaps one of the great mysteries of male-female interaction.


This isn't an accurate correlation at all. 

All the men who come on here complaining about being in sexless relationships treat their wives like spoiled princesses...does that mean women should take sex away from their husbands in order to manipulate them through pain into more desperate partners?? NO.

What PEOPLE respond best to are direct, solid expectations and consequences. It sounds like you are defining "nice" as lacking expectations and boundaries, and the self-respect to enforce those when they aren't honored by our partners.
That definition is WRONG. 

You are also missing the part where people who accept being treated badly are often emotionally unhealthy to begin with and lack their own boundaries...which translates how they can be with gratifying themselves with food as well.

Those are more likely reasons than people needing to be treated like crap in order to care about their partners.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This isn’t something you can fix for her. Weight loss has to be self motivated. You’re making excuses for her and enabling her. As long as she doesn’t see any real need to change, she won’t.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> What is her response when you point these things out, and the fact that she is missing out on doing things with you guys as a family? Have you ever asked her what she sees for her future? Does she expect that she will never have health issues from so much weight?


I haven't asked her about her views of the future or future health issues because she basically shuts down and won't talk about it. It almost seems like it's a non-issue for her, and that she just assumes that she is a fat person for life, and it becomes a joke. I once talked about buying a motorcycle, and she said "can I ride on the back, or am I too fat?" She asked why I never took her camping, and I told her two answers. Before she gained more weight and I had to force her to get a sleep study, which ultimately ended with her getting a CPAP to sleep, it was because her snoring would cause me to be unable to sleep, and I couldn't be at a campground and feel good about disturbing others with the noise (yes, it is that loud.) After the CPAP it became an issue of needing a generator, or an RV, and that all severely limited our options. She hasn't said anything about this. I think she assumes that she doesn't get invited because it's "father/son" time, but that's not it at all, and I've made it clear. I don't know if she cares.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I think because your wife has cheated a few times will make you lose feelings, trust, respect, attraction etc. Could this be more of a problem than her weight? I'd lose all all my attraction to my husband if he had affair/affairs.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


To my knowledge she has never had an affair.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

51Pieces said:


> To my knowledge she has never had an affair.


I'm so sorry I've got your post mixed with someone else's. I read some posts before I went to sleep and was going to reply today. Ignore my comment haha. Now I need to find the post I meant to comment on 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

51Pieces said:


> I also do intermittent fasting, but it's because I don't generally eat breakfast anyway, and I never think about food when I'm busy, so it's easier for me to skip lunch. She once said she should try intermittent fasting, and I told her that I basically do that anyway, and she rolled her eyes and never tried it.


Maybe the problem is that she has so much to lose it seems overwhelming and so it’s just easier to do nothing? If she’s had a weight issue most, or all, of her life it probably seems normal. You’re right to be concerned about her future health. She’s young now but obviously she won’t always be and weight certainly can complicate things as you age. There are some morbidly obese elderly people around but not many because they don’t often make it that far and when they do they’re frequently in wheelchairs or at home because it’s too difficult to get out. That’s potentially her future. Sad.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

51Pieces said:


> Eating at home is rarely the issue. I prepare meals nearly every evening, but I have to do so for 4 of us so it can be difficult. Having said that, meals are generally healthy. I can't control what she eats at work, and I have tried making lunch for her before and she "forgets" to bring it with her. She did talk to her doctor about losing weight, but I'm sure it wasn't a serious attempt. Her thyroid is fine and she hasn't been on birth control (I got a vasectomy) for 6 months, but she was always on it before. She refuses to get on a scale to check her weight because she doesn't like the number, but that doesn't stop her from eating a bowl of cereal every night after dinner, which is during the time she could be exercising. There is just no motivation.


Get rid of the cereal, get rid of everything that is processed and contains sugar, any sugar not even a little, no artificial sweeteners nothing. Study up on nutrition, not just basics but go deep into foods the promote inflammation, effect hormone balances, effect metabolism. Don't buy things because they say healthy on the package, if it comes in a package it's not healthy. 

When you ditch processed unhealthy foods for just a few months you stop craving it. Sugar is addictive but once you avoid it for a few months you don't want it at all. 

At her weight if she only changed her nutrition and calories she will lose a lot of weight without even exercising. Then after dropping 30-40lbs she and has proper nutrition she will have WAY WAY WAY more energy than she has now and may find motivation to exercise more.

You will notice I do not use the word diet. What she needs is a shift in how she views nutrition. We eat food to fuel us, what we fuel ourselves with determines how well our bodies function. When people talk about their diets it usually means a temporary change to achieve a goal. This is the wrong way to look at it. You want learn and change what you fuel yourself with as a permanent life long commitment to health. What we have been told about nutrition in school or on TV is all wrong. As a result there are more Americans like your wife than healthy people.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Maybe the problem is that she has so much to lose it seems overwhelming and so it’s just easier to do nothing? If she’s had a weight issue most, or all, of her life it probably seems normal. You’re right to be concerned about her future health. She’s young now but obviously she won’t always be and weight certainly can complicate things as you age. There are some morbidly obese elderly people around but not many because they don’t often make it that far and when they do they’re frequently in wheelchairs or at home because it’s too difficult to get out. That’s potentially her future. Sad.


It is really intimidating. And dieting is different than other problems because it can be months of work before there is any visible difference. It feels overwhelming and pointless. But again, that’s something anyone who has gained weight has to face and deal with. That is why I think it’s so crucial that the person who needs to lose the weight be committed to it. It’s long, hard, thankless work with the payoff way in the future. You can’t force another person to make a commitment like that.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

One way she can start losing weight is by having less portions of what she normally eats. That way she isn't eating as much and still eating what she wants. Then she can start introducing fruit, veg, make smoothies, adding more healthy food and removing the unhealthy food gradually. She won't feel as overwhelmed this way. So if she normally has a whole cake, she cuts that down to 3/4 then half etc and eventually she can still enjoy a slice of cake but not the whole cake. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> This isn't an accurate correlation at all.
> 
> All the men who come on here complaining about being in sexless relationships treat their wives like spoiled princesses...does that mean women should take sex away from their husbands in order to manipulate them through pain into more desperate partners?? NO.
> 
> ...


I agree, my definitions are unclear. Your definition "Expectations and boundaries and the self-respect to enforce those when they aren't honored by our partners" is excellent, because while WE wouldn't see that as unreasonable or treating our partners like crap, some partners would indeed see it that way. Those also tend to be partners who revel in their victimhood, where every demand (even perfectly reasonable) that conflicts with their comfort is defined as mistreatment.

Once a partner is treated as a spoiled prince/princess, they can lose respect for their partner and take them for granted. In other words, "spoiled rotten". My W did this. But was that my fault? Possibly.
Also, once a partner is weak and lacks the self-respect to enforce boundaries and expectations, suddenly doing so is such a shock to their partner that the entire dynamic changes - but oddly enough, instead of driving the partner away, it restores respect. I experienced this.

"You are also missing the part where people who accept being treated badly are often emotionally unhealthy to begin with and lack their own boundaries...which translates how they can be with gratifying themselves with food as well."

Yes, I gave an example of that, and can elaborate. The woman in my example who caught the STD was extremely promiscuous in her youth, having at least 20 partners before age 24. That speaks to emotional unhealthiness and lack of boundaries (likely a significant percentage of her relationships were "Tarzan" in nature, never being alone but rather swinging from rope to rope - always having backup partners/ropes to grab handy). Now that she has been in a monogamous, stable relationship for 11 years, she indeed gratifies herself with food - perhaps as a substitute for the sexual gratification she used previously. The problem is still there, but the solution changed.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

51Pieces said:


> I've been trying my best to wait her out to see if she makes a change on her own. I don't want to get a divorce, but that will have to be the ultimatum if there is an intervention, and I'm not ready to do that just yet.


Yes, I get it. It's not an easy thing...when love is involved.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

minimalME said:


> Are you saying that she was overweight before you married her, yet you married her anyway? Because the future you saw with her was (at the time) more important than her weight?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Even if he is 'wrong' about his reasoning-- I have to say it would be really hard for me to be attracted to a 300 lb woman so I am wrong too-- the health issues are going to start cropping up and they will be impossible to overcome much earlier than really necessary-- and that will be a tragedy for her kids.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

51Pieces said:


> Of course there are options, but there is an excuse to not follow any of them. When weight loss comes up, her response is always that she doesn't have time to exercise. While this isn't true, it's also not true that she needs to exercise to lose weight. But she doesn't diet either, so nothing is going to work if nothing at all is tried.


At nearly 300 lbs, diet can help drop a lot really quickly. Frankly, those first 50 lbs wouldnt even take much. 

What is her diet like? Any guess on how many calories she consumes a day? Does she drink water or soda/energy drinks?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> Even if he is 'wrong' about his reasoning-- I have to say it would be really hard for me to be attracted to a 300 lb woman so I am wrong too-- the health issues are going to start cropping up and they will be impossible to overcome much earlier than really necessary-- and that will be a tragedy for her kids.


I may have missed it, but I wonder what’s going on under the weight, inside her? Is this genetic? Past abuse? Self-disgust and shame?

I feel such sadness for overweight people, and I think they’re quite aware of how they’re viewed by others.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

minimalME said:


> I may have missed it, but I wonder what’s going on under the weight, inside her? Is this genetic? Past abuse? Self-disgust and shame?
> 
> I feel such sadness for overweight people, and I think they’re quite aware of how they’re viewed by others.


Well yes, therapy should definitely be in play here. I get what you are saying....sometimes I see someone and wonder if they have 'given up' in a way. The way OP talks about being active-- hiking, camping, going for a walk-- and she just doesnt see herself as that person now.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Well , it sounds like you have done everything except lay it on the line with your wife. You won't give her the Shock and Aw. Because you don't want to hurt her feelings. 
You love her , I get that and you love your family dynamic. You seem very unhappy 🙁 

I'm not sure how you change that unless your willing to leave. Your resentment about her weight will only grow as she grows larger...You yourself know that she will continue to gain weight . 

I had a friend that was in your position. His wife grew larger over there 25 yr marriage. After 100s of talks with his wife about the health aspects, and the fact that he was no longer attracted to her... Aĺl to No avail. She just continued to get bigger.

He Finally called it quits and divorced. 
He's a much happier person now , has remarried a slim woman...His words " I'm living the dream " He never wanted to leave his wife, he hoped like you that she would change. According to him , she is still gaining weight. ....

Oh...and just some food for thought....Unless your child is a newborn , ( doesn't sound like it ) kids can tell when things aren't right between mom and dad... It leaves an impression. It's actually a teaching experience .....For your child. 

Sadly your wife probably will not change . 

The ball is in your court . You can kick the can down the road , and let your resentment grow as she grows , or you can do something about it .

Good luck whatever your decision 
Jimi


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

51Pieces said:


> I haven't asked her about her views of the future or future health issues because she basically shuts down and won't talk about it. It almost seems like it's a non-issue for her, and that she just assumes that she is a fat person for life, and it becomes a joke. I once talked about buying a motorcycle, and she said "can I ride on the back, or am I too fat?" She asked why I never took her camping, and I told her two answers. Before she gained more weight and I had to force her to get a sleep study, which ultimately ended with her getting a CPAP to sleep, it was because her snoring would cause me to be unable to sleep, and I couldn't be at a campground and feel good about disturbing others with the noise (yes, it is that loud.) After the CPAP it became an issue of needing a generator, or an RV, and that all severely limited our options. She hasn't said anything about this. I think she assumes that she doesn't get invited because it's "father/son" time, but that's not it at all, and I've made it clear. I don't know if she cares.


This is where I would begin - explaining what your expectations are for her and your marriage and family.
"I expect to have a wife who can happily join in on our family outings and enjoy herself".
That is a reasonable expectation no matter if her weight was an issue or not.

I would be CLEAR and DIRECT about it, and I would not let her avoid the conversation. I wouldn't nag or harass her, I would state my thoughts and feelings very clearly.
"We are going to start modeling healthy food and lifestyle choices for our kids".

This isn't really an issue about her weight...it's about her attitude. The consequences of her attitude are why she has given up on her health and doesn't care about the choices she is making.

I know that the fact that she is overweight makes this a "touchy" subject, it really shouldn't be. We aren't talking about someone who is eating well and exercising and is 30-40lbs overweight. This is a woman who is deliberately choosing to selfishly gratify every urge she has with food and moving as little as possible, and it's negatively affecting everyone in her family...and is poised to get much worse in a few years.

And even if the food she's choosing to eat didn't make her gain weight, that much sugar and empty carbs are SO hard for our bodies to process that she would feel bad all the time, even if she was her old weight! The ONLY reason she doesn't have diabetes and high blood pressure is because of her age...she has maybe 5 more years before she starts to REALLY suffer from the consequences of eating food that has NO benefit whatsoever for her body, except for how it tastes on her tongue.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

My Ex is a bigger girl. Wouldn't matter to me if she stayed the same or got thinner. I still think she is sexy and attractive. 

SHE has to realize that health issues come from being over weight, and want to do something about it and be serious. I've lived through the frustrations she has had, it frustrates me for her. I've seen everything being done and one pound comes off... that itself makes you want to quit. If we were still married I'd still support whatever her desire to do with weight was. I would want her to live a long time, but I also would have to accept what her choice is... and those choices are always in flux.

If you can't be with her because she isn't attractive enough to you, divorce isn't far away. If you're in love her no matter what her weight is, than its a challenge you will have to accept and work through it no matter what. 

I can tell you I'd never have quit on my Ex wife because of her weight...


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You’re an enabler.


You can't enable.. you do that you're just sabotaging anything she does to lose weight. If she is trying to eat right and you bring donuts home because "You can".. that doesn't help. You have to be fully committed to diet and exercise WITH her.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

51Pieces said:


> While most of how you interpret the situation is wrong, you hit on a key point. The part about creating hoops that don't work is absolutely true, and I've seen that. That is on me, 100%, and my justification for that was to try to talk about anything else but weight. I kept telling myself that maybe the weight wasn't the issue, she was big when I started dating her, but as the hoops came and went, there were few options left as the problem except her weight. But don't act like I'm feigning concern about her health. She and I both have a good family with each other and our child, which is something neither of us had as children. I want to keep that, and I want the relationship to flourish.


Brother, I'm really on board with your view point of the family. Regardless of the weight my wife has gained and lost, I love her deeply and want us to be together as long as we can. I feel very sad for her sitting on the side lines cheering from the cheap seats due to her weight and the toll it's taken on her over the years. I know she would love to dance with me, run with the dog, take walks on the shore hand in hand. Walking is a struggle with a blown knee and no hope for surgery because drs won't do unless she loses a significant amount of weight to make the knee effective. I see the hurt in her soul at not running trails with our daughter and I as she grew up. The grasping at hope when I wanted to do a Daddy/Daughter last hurrah together after she turned 18, going to Vegas for a quick run and fun together to see the sights before she goes for the in the world and I'm just relegated to being good old dad! She tried to get herself involved with going, setting up hotels and a travel itinerary. Daughter and I cancelled it entirely. I asked her why she decided that it was ok to inject herself into the whole thing. She could never keep up with us even with a scooter chair, it would end up being about her and her pain not about a Dad and his Daughter having one last run as just that. It violated the whole point of the trip. I feel your pain deeply, as I know that after over 50+ years in the work force, I will retire to care for a crippled wife for the rest of her days, however many she will have left. How is that fair to me and to us? I have made my choice to stay because I do love her and vowed to her in sickness and in health, the good times and the bad. I have no legitimate right to complain as it has always been my choice.


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## 51Pieces (4 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Brother, I'm really on board with your view point of the family. Regardless of the weight my wife has gained and lost, I love her deeply and want us to be together as long as we can. I feel very sad for her sitting on the side lines cheering from the cheap seats due to her weight and the toll it's taken on her over the years. I know she would love to dance with me, run with the dog, take walks on the shore hand in hand. Walking is a struggle with a blown knee and no hope for surgery because drs won't do unless she loses a significant amount of weight to make the knee effective. I see the hurt in her soul at not running trails with our daughter and I as she grew up. The grasping at hope when I wanted to do a Daddy/Daughter last hurrah together after she turned 18, going to Vegas for a quick run and fun together to see the sights before she goes for the in the world and I'm just relegated to being good old dad! She tried to get herself involved with going, setting up hotels and a travel itinerary. Daughter and I cancelled it entirely. I asked her why she decided that it was ok to inject herself into the whole thing. She could never keep up with us even with a scooter chair, it would end up being about her and her pain not about a Dad and his Daughter having one last run as just that. It violated the whole point of the trip. I feel your pain deeply, as I know that after over 50+ years in the work force, I will retire to care for a crippled wife for the rest of her days, however many she will have left. How is that fair to me and to us? I have made my choice to stay because I do love her and vowed to her in sickness and in health, the good times and the bad. I have no legitimate right to complain as it has always been my choice.


That's where I'm at. Even when we try to do things together (we both love the theater) there are issues that arise. I'm not a small man, I'm tall and broad shouldered, but I fit in a theater seat at the opera house we attend. There have been instances recently where I have to be squished between another person and my wife, who can't sit with her knees together, so I get stuck doing it, making me uncomfortable the entire time. She spills over into my seat, and I immediately enjoy the show less. We saw a show where a large woman had to leave because the old theater seats weren't designed for someone as big as she was, and I couldn't help thinking that my wife would be dealing with that eventually, which meant that we would either have to stop doing something we both love, or she would have to go alone so she could have her seat and an empty one beside her. I can just see us having to miss out on more and more things together because of her weight. It's disheartening, to say the least.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

There is a trend towards Munchausen Syndrome (now called factitious disorder imposed on self) in some people, where they find it easier to be unhealthy and begin to enjoy the benefits (scooters, elevators and escalators, power-assisted doors, etc.) that are common in our society. This alone is not Munchausen's, but when that person begins to have weight-related maladies, is constantly tired, sleeps for 10+ hours a day, has joint pain, and other assorted side effects, the response to these can either push them to buck up and push through it/improve themselves (if those around them are not enablers) or begin to revel in the easy treatment and sympathy offered to them (and get progressively worse) if they are surrounded by enablers.


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## Nico_Jacobs (4 mo ago)

51Pieces said:


> I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have an elementary aged child together. My issue is and always has been her weight. I made the classic move of looking at the life we could have together in regard to family, and I always thought she would be a great mother and we could live a happy life together, and for the most part, we have. Our child is great, our marriage in general is good, but over the years we have had intimacy issues.
> 
> Initially we didn't have trouble in the bedroom. She was a big girl, but I didn't care because everything was new and fresh and we had fun together. But as the years went on, I started disliking her weight. It wasn't based off of her looks because she still looked good, but I noticed that it started getting in the way of not only intimacy, but daily life. She would get sweaty quickly and then become irritated because she was sweaty (that has never gone away) and she couldn't perform some sexual maneuvers because of her weight (can't be on top for too long cause she gets tired, her knees start to hurt, etc.) I started talking to her about her weight then, even telling her at one point that I was having a difficult time finding her attractive. I know that's a terrible thing to hear, but it was the truth. Nothing happened.
> 
> ...


This is a lot to take in. First and foremost, I have to note that you married her in sickness and in health. You even said she was heavy before but you were attracted to her because it was fresh. There is a saying that goes “men marry women hoping they will never change; and women marry men with the hopes that they will.” Knowing how society is, there is an excellent chance that your wife was probably treated different even before you met her. This is a form of trauma and often manifests itself in someone trying so many times without results that they give up. What I do know is that no one likes to be overweight and your wife’s refusal is probably her building a wall to avoid feeling pain when you act on your threat of leaving. Probably the same way hung she has done most of her life. My advice is to love her no matter what. Then get help. For both of you. Once she knows you support her, no matter what, she may begin to open up and even give healthy living another try.


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## Newbies (Sep 23, 2018)

51Pieces said:


> I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have an elementary aged child together. My issue is and always has been her weight. I made the classic move of looking at the life we could have together in regard to family, and I always thought she would be a great mother and we could live a happy life together, and for the most part, we have. Our child is great, our marriage in general is good, but over the years we have had intimacy issues.
> 
> Initially we didn't have trouble in the bedroom. She was a big girl, but I didn't care because everything was new and fresh and we had fun together. But as the years went on, I started disliking her weight. It wasn't based off of her looks because she still looked good, but I noticed that it started getting in the way of not only intimacy, but daily life. She would get sweaty quickly and then become irritated because she was sweaty (that has never gone away) and she couldn't perform some sexual maneuvers because of her weight (can't be on top for too long cause she gets tired, her knees start to hurt, etc.) I started talking to her about her weight then, even telling her at one point that I was having a difficult time finding her attractive. I know that's a terrible thing to hear, but it was the truth. Nothing happened.
> 
> ...





51Pieces said:


> I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have an elementary aged child together. My issue is and always has been her weight. I made the classic move of looking at the life we could have together in regard to family, and I always thought she would be a great mother and we could live a happy life together, and for the most part, we have. Our child is great, our marriage in general is good, but over the years we have had intimacy issues.
> 
> Initially we didn't have trouble in the bedroom. She was a big girl, but I didn't care because everything was new and fresh and we had fun together. But as the years went on, I started disliking her weight. It wasn't based off of her looks because she still looked good, but I noticed that it started getting in the way of not only intimacy, but daily life. She would get sweaty quickly and then become irritated because she was sweaty (that has never gone away) and she couldn't perform some sexual maneuvers because of her weight (can't be on top for too long cause she gets tired, her knees start to hurt, etc.) I started talking to her about her weight then, even telling her at one point that I was having a difficult time finding her attractive. I know that's a terrible thing to hear, but it was the truth. Nothing happened.
> 
> ...


Wow, you made it sound like she was 600lbs. Then I get to the end and she’s 289lbs. Is she under 5’ tall? That makes a difference.
I’m 5’5 and at my heaviest I weighed 323lbs I’m now 158lbs. You can be overweight and still be healthy. I have more health issues now that I weigh less than I did when I was heavier.
I assure you she’s not happy with herself and she feels your disgust which makes it worse.
I understand kids can be cruel but to be honest unless she’s SUPER short, 289lbs shouldn’t make her look like a round ball that kids point at and stare at enough to make comments that you have to explain your wife’s weight to your child. Are you sure you’re not deflecting your feelings about your wife’s weight onto your child?
Yes, she can definitely loose weight, especially if she is missing out on activities as a family or if they are becoming difficult for her. Her sweating seems to be an issue for you, are you embarrassed? Did she also go to her GYN? It could be hormonal. I still sweat a lot after loosing a ton of weight. Do you live in a warmer climate?

Losing weight has to be done without someone hounding her or making her feel bad. Letting her know continuously that YOU are unhappy with her weight stays with her and digs deep, she’s not happy either. Always “discussing” it with her or making comments drives a wedge and it will eventually come between you. The depression alone from having the “discussions” or making comments can cause more eating.

I married my best friend that I had known since I was 12 years old. We didn’t start dating until our 20’s. My weight fluctuated up and down, apparently he didn’t like it anymore. I decided I didn’t like him talking about it or making suggestions anymore so I left!
I felt a sense of relief! The dead weight (him) I was carrying was gone. I happily and easily lost a lot of weight without “discussions” and pressure.
I have remarried and couldn’t be happier.
Your marriage is over, your (ex) wife will find someone to love and adore her and her body.
I hope you love the life you deserve.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Newbies said:


> Wow, you made it sound like she was 600lbs. Then I get to the end and she’s 289lbs. Is she under 5’ tall? That makes a difference.
> I’m 5’5 and at my heaviest I weighed 323lbs I’m now 158lbs. You can be overweight and still be healthy. I have more health issues now that I weigh less than I did when I was heavier.
> I assure you she’s not happy with herself and she feels your disgust which makes it worse.
> I understand kids can be cruel but to be honest unless she’s SUPER short, 289lbs shouldn’t make her look like a round ball that kids point at and stare at enough to make comments that you have to explain your wife’s weight to your child. Are you sure you’re not deflecting your feelings about your wife’s weight onto your child?
> ...


Sorry to bust your bubble, but 300 lbs isn't healthy or sexy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Newbies said:


> Wow, you made it sound like she was 600lbs. Then I get to the end and she’s 289lbs. Is she under 5’ tall? That makes a difference.
> I’m 5’5 and at my heaviest I weighed 323lbs I’m now 158lbs. You can be overweight and still be healthy. I have more health issues now that I weigh less than I did when I was heavier.
> I assure you she’s not happy with herself and she feels your disgust which makes it worse.
> I understand kids can be cruel but to be honest unless she’s SUPER short, 289lbs shouldn’t make her look like a round ball that kids point at and stare at enough to make comments that you have to explain your wife’s weight to your child. Are you sure you’re not deflecting your feelings about your wife’s weight onto your child?
> ...


Ditto to the previous poster.

We're not talking 189, it's 289. With a 2. As in, almost 300 pounds. 

Telling the OP he shouldn't think that's large or unattractive is very unhelpful. 

It's large, and it's impeding what she does in life.


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