# Lost Looking For Map



## Lost looking for map (Oct 11, 2015)

Both my wife and I are in our middle forties and after ten years of marriage my wife and I had a opportunity to move to another area of the country, (We do not have any children).A better career opportunity for me, additional pay with much lower cost of living, less family drama of her family for her an I, she had been laid off and the job market in the new area is real hot. She agreed that it would be a fresh start. I moved first to establish a place to live and then she moved two months later. After being in the new place for eight months my wife had still not been able to find a job. When I asked her about what seemed to be issue of her finding a job she asked me if I actually expected her to take a less than ideal job in a place that she had no family or friends. She said that she was not going to have a job that she hatted in a place that she did not know anyone. So I told her that as we had always agreed we both need to have something to do as a job or career since we do not have any children. After many heated words and drama, she said that if she was back home she would be able to get an ideal job in now time. I told her that if that is what she wanted I would not be happy about the idea about moving back there but would if that is what it would take for us to both have a job we would do it. So in three weeks time she had moved back to the area we had moved from and is living with her parents. My wife has not found any ideal job prospects let alone any job yet. 

I love the new place that I live in, the town, local metro area, the job is great I do not want to move back to the old area that my wife is from.

Almost twelve years ago when we met on the internet it was me who was to move to the large east coast town were she lived from a small western city. When I had some trouble adjusting to life in the city I was told that I could leave at any time. 

There are many other of the larger items that happen in the course of a relationship in witch always seem to be her way or the highway. I love my wife, but am tired of the emotional blackmail that seems to have been happening for some time now. If I "grow a pair" I will not me married to her. 

I made a vow to never get ask for a divorce, but ...............

Any advice would be great thank you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
but.......................what?

You made a vow to marriage and now you are experiencing some "worse" of the "for better or" variety. Perhaps if you sit your wife down and explain to her that you are very happy in the new area, she still has not found her "dream" job and your marriage is suffering. Her argument was that she could easily find her dream job if she moved back home and that argument is now moot as she has not done so. So what is the real reason?

You have several choices here. One, do as I said above and point out to her that the job market back home was not so conducive to finding her dream job and that she should now, after trying and failing, come back home to her marriage. Two, you can quit your job and move back to be with her. Three, you can continue to claim to be married and live apart, her with her parents and you alone in the new city. Four, you can ask her what the real issue is.

There is something else at play here, perhaps she misses her family, her friends or the area itself but in any event it is quite obvious that she prefers home without you to there with you and the reason for that is what you must uncover. Then, when you know the truth, you can decide on one of your options but until then your decision will be made on faulty data. Good fortune to you.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Lost looking for map said:


> Both my wife and I are in our middle forties and after ten years of marriage my wife and I had a opportunity to move to another area of the country, (We do not have any children).A better career opportunity for me, additional pay with much lower cost of living, less family drama of her family for her an I, she had been laid off and the job market in the new area is real hot. She agreed that it would be a fresh start. I moved first to establish a place to live and then she moved two months later. After being in the new place for eight months my wife had still not been able to find a job. When I asked her about what seemed to be issue of her finding a job she asked me if I actually expected her to take a less than ideal job in a place that she had no family or friends. She said that she was not going to have a job that she hatted in a place that she did not know anyone. So I told her that as we had always agreed we both need to have something to do as a job or career since we do not have any children. After many heated words and drama, she said that if she was back home she would be able to get an ideal job in now time. I told her that if that is what she wanted I would not be happy about the idea about moving back there but would if that is what it would take for us to both have a job we would do it. So in three weeks time she had moved back to the area we had moved from and is living with her parents. My wife has not found any ideal job prospects let alone any job yet.
> 
> I love the new place that I live in, the town, local metro area, the job is great I do not want to move back to the old area that my wife is from.
> 
> ...


File for divorce with abandonment as the grounds. Have her served, and if she doesn't come around, you are better off....

We moved for my job in 1980. My wife and 1 kid hated it....It took over a year for her to settle in....Now she is delighted with where we live, and quite often tells me how glad she is that we moved....I think she respected that I grew a pair and made the decision...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> in any event it is quite obvious that she prefers home without you to there with you


I think that's the bottom line. Her behavior is speaking very loudly about her lack of commitment to your marriage, and her lack of concern for it and you. She's not all-n, and it's up to you to decide whether that is enough for you or not.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP... she uprooted her entire LIFE to move to a place where you had no family, no friends. And when you pressed on her about not having a job yet, she tried to tell you that she was unhappy in this new place, and when she suggested that she could easily get a job back home, you told her to go! Of course she went.

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She uprooted her entire life and left her job because you had received a job offer in another area with a cheaper standard of living. It sounds to me like she's never lived anywhere other than the town that she's from, right? Remember, you've relocated before, so you're old hat at this--she's never done this before. It's new and scary. When you relocated to her town, at least there was the built-in network of her friends and family already in place, so it was probably easier to assimilate for you there, than it was for you in this new town. In this new town, she only has YOU, and nobody else to rely on. No one to talk to, no one to socialize with. The only people that she can call are friends from back home, which probably makes her homesick.

Not only that, but she's trying to find a job, and she's getting discouraged because nothing has worked out yet. She's getting frustrated because she knows about the agreement that you will both work, and she doesn't want to let you down. And she's scared that she's not going to find anything, and that her skills are getting rusty from non-use. And it's a big blow to someone's self-esteem when they can't find a job, because it feels like no one wants them. And she doesn't want to take just any job, because she's already lonely and unhappy--she wants a job that is going to give her some sort of purpose, and where she will work with like-minded people, and hopefully make some friends.

And she's probably lonely as fvck. You're off at work every day, where you get to engage with other people, feel like you have a purpose, and are doing something that you clearly love, while she's home alone in a city/town where she knows no one. Are you putting in extra hours, to prove yourself as the new guy? Are you going to happy hours after work to network and cement your new professional relationships. If so, that's even more time that she's spending alone.

So she's going through all of this, and the one person who is supposed to be her anchor, her rock, gives her sh!t about not yet having a job? Way to kick a girl when she's down. And she tried to communicate to you how hard it has been for her, and how unhappy she has been, and you didn't listen. Instead, you tell her she could go back to her parents.

Of course she left. Why are you surprised?

Stop comparing what happened when you first met 12 years ago to now. You're different people now, and your relationship is different. Her telling you you could leave 12 years ago was her giving you an easy out before the two of you made a serious commitment. You telling her she could leave 3 weeks ago was you saying that you don't give a sh!t about her needs or her feelings.

I know that other people on here are telling you that she doesn't take her marriage vows seriously. I'm here to tell you that you fvcked up. She didn't leave because of some job. She left because she didn't feel heard. She didn't feel understood. She didn't feel valued as a partner. She left because she didn't feel loved.

So what are you going to do about it?


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

FIP - Not disagreeing with you, just pointing out a couple things:
1) She didn't leave her job, she was laid off and hadn't found anything prior to the initial relocation.
2) Still unemployed after 8 months? Any job in your industry is better than no job. So you take the first job that comes along in your industry. Use it to make friends, network, and as a platform for something that you would enjoy more.

When I first started with my current company, there was an issue with me moving to my new contract. I was on overhead for 3 months waiting for that issue to resolve. In that time, I watched countless people come and go. These people were on overhead, offered jobs, and declined them because something about the job wasn't something they wanted. Then these people wondered why they were given notice and let go. The moral that taught me was to take the first palatable job that came along, and attempt to move on from there. 

Yes, the woman is lonely. She's lonely because she hasn't made any new friends. She hasn't made any new friends because she hasn't found new employment. She hasn't found new employment because she's holding out for the "perfect job." The OP said that she agreed it would be a fresh start, but didn't say if she was for or against it. He didn't tell us if she was excited or not. If she was excited about the move and looking forward to it, then bailing out and running home to her parents is on her. If she was against the move, then they shouldn't have moved.

Mid 40's. Whether she was against or excited about the move, she agreed to it. Be a responsible adult and deal with all that that agreement entails. Just my $.02.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Lone Shadow said:


> FIP - Not disagreeing with you, just pointing out a couple things:
> 1) She didn't leave her job, she was laid off and hadn't found anything prior to the initial relocation.
> 2) Still unemployed after 8 months? Any job in your industry is better than no job. So you take the first job that comes along in your industry. Use it to make friends, network, and as a platform for something that you would enjoy more.
> 
> When I first started with my current company, there was an issue with me moving to my new contract. I was on overhead for 3 months waiting for that issue to resolve. In that time, I watched countless people come and go. These people were on overhead, offered jobs, and declined them because something about the job wasn't something they wanted. Then these people wondered why they were given notice and let go. The moral that taught me was to take the first palatable job that came along, and attempt to move on from there.


Fair enough, and thanks for the correction--I missed the fact that she was laid off.

And she may not have had ANY job offers in her field. We don't have those details.

And I'm not saying that she did nothing wrong. But the OP needs to see her point of view, and recognize his own errors, if he has any hope of saving his marriage.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lost looking for map said:


> she asked me if I actually expected her to take a less than ideal job in a place that she had no family or friends. She said that she was not going to have a job that she hatted in a place that she did not know anyone. .


She sounds entitled. Waiting for IDEAL job? Just take anything in the field, so your resume stays updated.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I moved from Europe too USA for my H. He moved ahead of me while I was selling the house, packing-up etc. When he first arrived people from work went out of their way to show him around & get him socially involved in things. By the time I arrived a couple of months later they assumed we needed 'alone time'. He was working very, very long hours. I didn't have a work visa. It was INCREDIBLY hard!

I underestimated what I was loosing by not working. I'd been very successful. To put it simply, loosing the social network AND 'ego trip' was emotionally draining. I relied on my H for everything. I was so very homesick. I desperately wanted my friends & family. The day I arrived in the USA it was a shock...my H was suntanned, he had cut his hair, bought new clothes etc. He was foreign. I was in a foreign place. It's so hard to explain. It was so much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. To be honest I got depressed. If my H had told me to go....well I wouldn't be here now!

Threatening to divorce her if she doesn't pull her socks up is the WORST advise!! Why do people advise threatening the big D if things aren't going well? Safety & security are so important to me (particularly after the move & dealing with isolation!) the word D would just make me feel more vulnerable & alone.

I attended every event I could. I cooked chilli for the 'team' cook off. I went to all the after work social events. Threw parties for any excuse I could find. Spent my time preparing & cooking elaborate meals to have weekend dinner parties with work colleagues. I needed to be dedicated to building a new life. (The job wasn't as expected so I encouraged my H to do evening classes to qualify for a better job. That made me even more lonely!) She needs to focus on building a new life but she needs the OPs help. They're a team! 

My advise? Get on the phone & ask her to come home. Tell her you love her & miss her terribly every moment of everyday. Promise to help her make her new home HOME. Help her make friends & involve her in everything that you can. If you want her to stay why are you telling her to go? I think they need a big talk about what else is wrong with their relationship. There's not much that could make me move back with my parents away from my H.


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