# Hello (advice needed pls!)



## District89

Ok


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## Rob_1

It wasn't your selfishness that got the better of you, it was judging by your post your conflict avoidant tendencies. Am I guessing right here.?

If you are a conflict avoidant individual, you are setting your marriage for more of the same until your wife stops respecting you completely and your marriage fails.

My opinion of conflict avoidant individuals is that they are people that are lacking in the self confidence department, lack courage, and avoid confrontation in general.

OP look within yourself, and see if any of the above applies, if they do, you need to get help as to how to be able to just say the truth, because lying will get you nowhere.

If you had told the truth to your wife from the very start, and if she would have gotten upset about it, then it would have been her problem, not yours, and you would have been able to tell her at that point that it is all on her, and that you cannot control other people. Your family had their plans already, why was it necessary to lie about? Are you afraid of your wife?


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## aine

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive! 


YOu should always be honest with your spouse, tell her that you are sorry, you messed up, you were trying to avoid any issues and you landed in it.

BTW, spouse should always come first, not your family, if you mess that one up, it may take years to overcome it, if ever.


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## District89

Rob_1 said:


> It wasn't your selfishness that got the better of you, it was judging by your post your conflict avoidant tendencies. Am I guessing right here.?
> 
> If you are a conflict avoidant individual, you are setting your marriage for more of the same until your wife stops respecting you completely and your marriage fails.
> 
> My opinion of conflict avoidant individuals is that they are people that are lacking in the self confidence department, lack courage, and avoid confrontation in general.
> 
> OP look within yourself, and see if any of the above applies, if they do, you need to get help as to how to be able to just say the truth, because lying will get you nowhere.
> 
> If you had told the truth to your wife from the very start, and if she would have gotten upset about it, then it would have been her problem, not yours, and you would have been able to tell her at that point that it is all on her, and that you cannot control other people. Your family had their plans already, why was it necessary to lie about? Are you afraid of your wife?


I think you are right there when you speak about avoiding conflict, I don’t like bickering and arguing I try to keep and peace and avoid it where possible, I have a bad habit of just ignoring things and letting them slide in order to just have a moments of peace, I don’t face things head on. I’ve learned that much about myself at least. Sometimes when there is a confrontation I really struggle to articulate myself, I may have a valid point but I don’t convey it properly - then good point doesn’t make sense. 

Both my wife and I have experienced divorce amongst our siblings and the impact it has on the families weren’t good at all. I find myself on the edge of pursuing an argument for it to potentially grow or concede and let things be - it’s a far cry but I’ve always got a fear in my head where I feel she may have had enough and wants to pack her bags.


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## Rob_1

OP. Then you are living your life in fear. That's no way of living. Like I said to you before, the way you are carrying on is a sure thing for what you fear the most to eventually happening: DIVORCE. 

Your wife will eventually lose her respect for you as a man. You need to learn how to confront without being confrontational.

Get help for that, it will be in your best interest in the long run.


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## jlg07

Definitely get help to combat your avoidance.
For THIS instance, man up and just tell your wife "Honey, I ****ed up and you are right. I should have told you about this, and I've come to realize WHY I did it" -- then explain to her what you said to us here in post #4.

Tell her you are going to work on this, and you will need her help so that you don't backslide. BOTH of you need to work on your marriage and be able to communicate about EVERYTHING, not just the easy stuff..


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## sunsetmist

You lose respect for yourself and confidence in yourself when you try to always avoid conflict. Pick and choose your battles.

As a newly married man here are some books often recommended here and the titles don't really indicate the contents: 
His Needs, Her Needs (Harley)
Lovebusters (Harley)
No More Mr. Nice Guy (Glover)
Married Man's Sex Life Primer (Athol Kay)

Good Luck...


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## FeministInPink

@District89 Your conflict avoidance will eventually come back and blow in your face in a much bigger way than this current predicament. This event is a warning sign.

When you avoid conflict, it does 2 things: leaves problems unresolved, and creates bigger problems. When you sweep things under the rug, they don't go away; they fester and get worse/bigger. 

The key to a successful relationship isn't no conflict at all; the key is healthy conflict resolution. Healthy couples fight, but they know how to resolve differences and prioritize the health of the relationship. Healthy partners also prioritize their spouse's needs before those of other family and friends.

I don't fully understand what happened in your original post, but I do know that you should have come to your wife and apprised her of the situation as soon as you knew there was an issue, so you could have solved it together as a TEAM. You could have resolved the entire thing while it was a molehill, but instead it became a mountain. Flights can be changed. That's a much easier things to repair than lost trust.


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## EleGirl

Yep, it was not selfishness. It's conflict avoidance.

Did your family book the flights before they knew about the wedding? Or did they book them dispite knowing about the wedding.

How many guests invited? Is it small enough a wedding that a few people not showing will be a real buz kill?

I'm just trying to figure out why it's such a big deal.

You might want to just apologize to your wife and tell her that you have learned an imporant lesson, it's always better to tell the truth even if tell it leads to some discomfort. 

And then talk to her about why it's so important to her that your extended family attend her sister's wedding. Is your family close to her sister?


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## arbitrator

*As the resident TAM Old Fart, I have definitely been guilty of "conflict avoidance" within the scope of my lifetime, and I have certainly paid a price for it! Mine, however, was not exactly by lying, but by being intentionally non-communicative!

Having grown out of it, I'm a far better man for it as it will serve you far better in life! Ask yourself the question of how you would feel about it had it happened to you?

I think that you will find your answer within. Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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