# Wife and work



## Husband111 (Dec 1, 2019)

Hi all. I am new here and wanted to get everyone’s opinion. 
So my wife has been texting back and forth with a guy from work. She says it’s about work. I looked at her phone and noticed it wasent just work. He been telling her about personal things in his life. Then I noticed he sent her a dirty joke about doggy style. I questioned her about it and she acted like it wasent a big deal. It was totally inappropriate. Then I noticed her texts with her boss. She always ends the conversation with the blushing with smily eyes emoji. Asked her about that and she says she didn’t know it was a flirty emoji. I noticed she only uses emoji with him and the other guy. What do you all think about this. We had a big argument about it cause she thinks I am over reacting. I told her how I felt about it and she said she would not do it again. Then a couple weeks passed and I find her talking to another guy from work about other things then just work. I think she is completely disrespecting me.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Are these men the first ones she has ever behaved inappropriately with?

It sounds like she likes the attention and has poor boundaries. If a man texted me a sexual joke, knowing i am married, I would be insulted, but I'm from another generation.

It sounds like you are going to have to establish some boundaries for what you are willing to tolerate in a spouse. She will take that as controlling her. You can calmly tell her, "You're free to continue to behave that way, but I don't want to be married to someone who behaves that way. Your decision wlll determine mine. And I give you a day to decide." This can't be a threat, you need to mean it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Agree with @Adelais . This is a boundary issue, and you need to get this nailed down fast & hard. You need to sit down with your wife and create a set of rules that each of you will follow, in order to maintain your marriage. Things will only get worse if this is not addressed. I would avoid referencing the specific issues you found in the phone texts, as in, don't single out a particular incident. Rather, the type of thing, the type of communication that is simply inappropriate. She should feel comfortable explaining to the other party that it in inappropriate.


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## Husband111 (Dec 1, 2019)

Not the first time I noticed. About 10 years ago I caught her on the computer one night talking to a guy she worked with. He called her his little ***** and joked with her. Then he told her he liked her. I walked in the room before she deleted the conversation and read it all. Her reply to him was to watch what he says cause I have been in and out of the room. When I came in and started to read it she left the room and went to a friends house cause she knew I would be pissed. We had a huge argument about it and eventually got past it. I never went further about it after that. Now looking back I see a pattern. I brought up this recently because of the new findings and she said she didn’t know what to say to that guy. I think that’s a poor excuse. We are mid 40’s married 20 years.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Dude she is going to cheat physically if she hasn't already . You need to show her you are serious about this . I would contact the guys to and tell them to knock it off or you will report them to H . R . Department . What ever you do don't be a doormate . Get really pissed off . If you have to talk to a lawyer .


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Husband111 said:


> I think she is completely disrespecting me.


You think correctly.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

She’s a serial cheater. You’re probably just finding the tip of the iceberg.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You know what is going on, what are you going to do about it?

Getting angry and calling her on it, is not working.

.....................................................................................

Do you really love this woman?

If so, why?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She doesn't have good boundaries. Unfortunately you can't make her have them.

This is how affairs start btw.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

What kind of firm does your wife work for (large corp or government org, or a small firm where the boss is the owner)? 
Are any of the texts from the boss sexual?
Does your wife talk about you or her marriage? 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's texting outside of work with the COW and her use of flirty sign-offs with men is a big fail. Why? because she's sending a message that she's available on a personal basis vs a professional business basis. She is also investing time with the COW that she should be investing in her marriage.

IMO, the COW needs to discuss his personal issues with a therapist, pastor, family or a guy friend (not your wife).

Texting (and the attention she receives) is very addictive. You already asked her to stop and she brushed you off. Since this is a recurring behavior, your wife won't stop unless the negative consequences out weight the 'high' she receives from their attention. Therefore, you need to prepare to press your case harder.

First, you both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

It's based on researching couples that experienced infidelity and the boundaries they ignored as well as there behaviors that ultimately led to infidelity.

It will be difficult for your wife to justify her texting with the COW and the use of flirty sign-offs after reading this book.

In the interim, take pictures of the texts and save them as proof. Save your evidence in a safe place. 

If after reading (and discussing) the book, she refuses to change her behavior, then consider immediately (the next day) informing their wives and/or girlfriends. Nothing kills flirty texts like exposure. 

If you do expose, DO NOT warn your wife in advance. She will warn them and they will discredit you to their wives.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Oh Boy! 111, if she isn't cheating now, she's half way there. You've got red flags all over the place!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> Oh Boy! 111, if she isn't cheating now, she's half way there. You've got red flags all over the place!


This kind of says it here. 

Based on what you have written, she either has cheated, most likely had, or she wants to. 

Either way, I think you have taken too much already. There may not be any coming back from this. 

If you go into detective mode you might catch her or maybe a PI. 

For me, if would just get out... TOO MANY RED FLAGS...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Husband111 said:


> Not the first time I noticed. About 10 years ago I caught her on the computer one night talking to a guy she worked with. He called her his little ***** and joked with her. Then he told her he liked her. I walked in the room before she deleted the conversation and read it all. Her reply to him was to watch what he says cause I have been in and out of the room. When I came in and started to read it she left the room and went to a friends house cause she knew I would be pissed. We had a huge argument about it and eventually got past it. I never went further about it after that. Now looking back I see a pattern. I brought up this recently because of the new findings and she said she didn’t know what to say to that guy. I think that’s a poor excuse. We are mid 40’s married 20 years.




First off her behavior is inappropriate period. The problem is that she is one of those people who likes attention from the opposite sex so it’s going to be impossible to convince her that her behavior is inappropriate bc she will never agree with you. 

The bigger problem I see is the lack of respect she has for you. Because regardless of whether I think something is appropriate or not, What my significant other thinks matters to me so I would tailor my behavior out of respect for him. 
The fact that she left the house because she knew you were upset is a huge sign of disrespect to me. I would go nuts if my significant other did that to me. She knows your upset... and so she leaves which is not only mean and unloving she is telling you she doesn’t care how you feel. She avoids what she doesn’t want to change. 

The question is why is talking to these guys more important than her own husband? The answer is probably she knows your not going to REALLY do anything. 

She is sneaking around behind your back. She is YOUR wife, you shouldn’t have to police her. She will continue to do this unless you mean business. I would tell her if she does it again then she can go be with them since they are more important than you.


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## Husband111 (Dec 1, 2019)

She has told me she has never fooled around and has never even thought about it I really don’t know what to think. She said she didn’t know she was doing anything wrong. She is married and should know better I think.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

So she thinks that everything is alright as long as she doesn't actually "fool around." Is that OK with you?

You really need to find your boundaries and stand by them.

It doesn't matter what she thinks, what matters is what YOU think. If she isn't behaving like wife material, then you need to demote her.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Husband111 said:


> She has told me she has never fooled around and has never even thought about it I really don’t know what to think. She said she didn’t know she was doing anything wrong. She is married and should know better I think.




She’s manipulative by playing dumb. Really she didn’t know sneaking around and talking to other men is wrong? She knew you would be mad if you found out so she knew she was doing something wrong. 

Look everyone makes mistakes. But it’s how you handle your mistakes that counts. This isn’t her first time doing this, that is a huge red flag. You can’t say you didn’t know it was wrong If this is the second or third time doing it. And after the first time... she should be extra careful not to mess up. Instead she’s being sneaky again. I would say take her to therapy. Let her prove to you that she wants this marriage and she is willing to do what it takes. If she isn’t changing... which doesn’t sound like she is taking the initiative to change... then the failed marriage is on her and she has no one else to blame.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Another way for you to view this is: Why would your wife hesitate in choosing your peace of mind (and ultimately her marriage) over texting other men?

Either you've already lost her .... or (IMO, most likely) she knows she can text other men and also enjoy a comfortable, safe and loving marriage - and you will (as before) just suck it up. IMO, she wants both the attention from the OM via texting and being married. And she learned that you will tolerate it. 

Read the book "not just friends". Then, if she doesn't agree to change her behavior, then immediately expose the OM's sexual texts to his wife and HR/employer. 

Nice guys finish last. Strike hard and without notice. The COW is a POS that lost his right to any advance notification or warning from you. 

The COW reached out first with the sexual text, so your wife is the victim of sexual harassment and will not be disciplined.

Do not warn your wife that you will be exposing or reporting him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Husband111 said:


> Not the first time I noticed. About 10 years ago I caught her on the computer one night talking to a guy she worked with. He called her his little ***** and joked with her. Then he told her he liked her. I walked in the room before she deleted the conversation and read it all. Her reply to him was to watch what he says cause I have been in and out of the room. When I came in and started to read it she left the room and went to a friends house cause she knew I would be pissed. We had a huge argument about it and eventually got past it. I never went further about it after that. Now looking back I see a pattern. I brought up this recently because of the new findings and she said she didn’t know what to say to that guy. I think that’s a poor excuse. We are mid 40’s married 20 years.


See, hindsight is 20/20. She got better at hiding it. 

Sorry, she slipped up because it is her boss and coworker.

You aren’t controlling or jealous, she is not naive.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Even if she "would never fool around" she is sure putting out a green light to the OM and the boss with doggy style joke, being ok with being called his ***** and kissy emoji to them. 
At least one of the guys may ramp it up playing the long game if they are smart...flirty texts, aligning coffee breaks on site then off site, yada yada yada...you know where this could go. So does she.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She sounds like a nightmare.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Husband111 said:


> She has told me she has never fooled around and has never even thought about it I really don’t know what to think. She said she didn’t know she was doing anything wrong. She is married and should know better I think.


BS -- she knows better. Remember she was telling the guy to be careful as you were in and out -- she KNOWS you would be pissed and that she was WRONG. 

She knows this -- she is trying to appease you. DO NOT allow her to do that.
You need to be serious about this and tell her it either STOPS or you do (i.e. divorce) and mean it.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Let's flip the script here. Just say for a minute that you were doing what she's doing and she caught you. Think she would be ok with this?
Like another poster already said, probably just the tip of the iceberg.
FFS, of course she knows better, you said you two are in your 40's. 
Sorry, my heart goes out to you.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Wake up! She is likely cheating. I would consider snooping her phone, monitor computer, and place a
VAR in her car.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

I am dumbfounded another post that makes me cringe.! I mean I get it somebody’s guys are naïve and young and whatever but dude that’s not you you’re in your mid 40s and I know “You love her” well her actions most certainly are telling you she don’t love you.! so I don’t know how that works for you but for me her actions would be telling me she’s an enemy without a doubt not my loving wife. that has a tendency to make me very hostile with extreme prejudice. Her Behavior would definitely destroyed any trust that I would have for her and that would certainly end our relationship make me very angry man when people disrespect me and try to f.uck me over, yeah they become my enemy really fast, that loving feeling well that kind of goes out the door with all her stuff In plastic bags.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Husband111 said:


> She has told me she has never fooled around and has never even thought about it I really don’t know what to think.


You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of this being TRUE.

You know *exactly* what she is. A serial cheating liar. It's not rocket science.

If you're naive enough to believe that for the last 20 years she's has been as pure as the driven snow, then I have some oceanfront property in Oklahoma I'd love to sell you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sokillme said:


> She sounds like a nightmare.


Seriously.

She seems to have a real problem with constantly getting involved with the guys at work. I can only* imagine* what the office gossip must be at her workplace, since she's probably gotten herself a reputation by now. You can't continually get involved with one guy after the next without people noticing and talking about it.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Husband111 said:


> Then a couple weeks passed and I find her talking to another guy from work about other things then just work. I think she is completely disrespecting me.


I am going to flip the script a bit here.

So instead of trying to figure out how to change her actions, what are *YOU *going to do here?

You've already stated that she's done this before. 10 years prior that you caught.

SO what are you willing to do, what are going to do, and what are you capably of doing to stop this?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Husband111 said:


> She has told me she has never fooled around and has never even thought about it I really don’t know what to think. She said she didn’t know she was doing anything wrong. She is married and should know better I think.


With the texts described she's already thought about it, unfortunately. She's telling a whopper there.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

How about this -- why don't you go to her office, find her boss and the other guy, and LOUDLY tell them (in front of all the other office workers AND your wife) to knock of the **** with texting her after hours, about personal issues, and knock off the sex jokes. IF they do not, you will go to their HR department and report them AND get their wives invovled. Be clear, be calm, but be forceful. OUT them in front of all.

MAKE SURE you have proof -- screen copies of the texts for all these jokers BEFORE you do this. SHAME them in front of the coworkers.
If this doesn't work, then you need to step up and get rid of your wife, as SHE is the real issue here allowing this to go on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Husband111 said:


> Not the first time I noticed. About 10 years ago I caught her on the computer one night talking to a guy she worked with. He called her his little ***** and joked with her. Then he told her he liked her. I walked in the room before she deleted the conversation and read it all. Her reply to him was to watch what he says cause I have been in and out of the room. When I came in and started to read it she left the room and went to a friends house cause she knew I would be pissed. We had a huge argument about it and eventually got past it. I never went further about it after that. Now looking back I see a pattern. I brought up this recently because of the new findings and she said she didn’t know what to say to that guy. I think that’s a poor excuse. We are mid 40’s married 20 years.


What did the deleted word start with? W? B?

Can you find out the current wives names are and contact them?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Hey wife, since you think it's OK to flirt and sext with other guys, I've decided that it's ok for me to do the same with other women. Game on."


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You sir are in your 40's and dealing with high school age nonsense. If it were me I'd file for divorce, after 10 years of this crap she certainly isnt worth wasting any more of your time.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I also agree to end this madness you call a marriage. You are not a part of it except for the role as provider, and l bet she takes care of you sexually. But you do know what they called that it is p****whipped. And you feel as long as she gives it to you it must mean she loves you right? Wrong!! She's just playing you for her enjoyment and stringing you along for her enjoyment. Sorry my man, truth of this type will break the heart. But the time has come to face it.


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