# Have you ever felt like this?



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I recently came across a great article about falling and being in love. I found one paragraph particularly interesting because of the opposite feelings I am having and was wondering if anyone else had ever felt this way.

Here is a paragraph from the article talking about being in love:



> Lastly, you are relaxed around them. You feel secure around them and you just want them to hold you all the time. You enjoy them touching you and you love touching them. You feel free around them. You enjoy their company and they enjoy yours. When they are gone, you can’t wait to see them again. You miss them when they are away and you don’t want them to leave when they are with you. Each moment you are together is awesome.



And here is basically the same paragraph but modified by me to reflect how I feel about being around my wife:



> I feel uptight around them waiting for something to happen - to get hurt by angry words again. I feel vulnerable around them, almost fearing them. I can’t imagine touching them or them touching me. I feel guarded around them and try to avoid being alone with them. When they are gone, I’m able to relax and dread them returning. I don’t miss them at all when they are away and I look forward to either them or me leaving. Each moment we are together is uncomfortable.



Has anyone ever had similar feelings and if so, what did you do about them? Do you think this marriage is pretty much dead?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Sounds like how my husband feels about me. 

Don't know your story but your feelings are in your control. If your wife is terrible....abusive.....unwilling to get help or if she is the one leaving you, then I am so sorry. But if this is just because of arguing and disagreeing, then you can fix that. Married people aren't always in love....and sometimes really don't like each other very much. It requires work to make those feelings resurface...but it is possible.

With my hubby....I felt just as your interpretation reads. I was miserable. But when he came home...I made myself see things differently. I read the "love dare" and it worked ....on me. I had never loved him so much. I felt like the first paragraph again....even more.

Problem was.....he was unwilling to give himself over to it. He didn't change anything about himself. He wouldn't do the book with me...wouldn't spend time with me and pretty much ended up leaving me even more hurt. Do I regret it...doing that book and making myself love him that way again.....NO. It has made me aware of how precious my feelings are and how much in my control they are.

I guess what I am saying....your feelings are not our of your control. You will make that decision ....to feel again or not. And sometimes it is best to not feel again......But my little journey has also helped me to contol the hurt. It was hard the first few weeks but I am able to understand how to "not love" someone who doesn't love me.

Cool huh? Well.....that probably didn't help you at all......and I'm sorry if it didn't...but it was a pretty neat ramble...don't ya think?

good luck.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

The dreading being around them is like you stepped into my mind and caught the feeling I have everytime I know my STBX is coming. I want to curl up and hide and hope he just goes away...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

D8zed, I like it! It's true though. I don't see the later improving unless both parties are willing to do so.


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

Hmmm..... I don't know if you were "in love" when you got married to your wife. Now though it is obvious that you harbor bad feelings toward her. Do you love her? or did you? Are her feelings the same towards you? If you did love her or do love her is she open to talking about problems you two might have? All I'm saying is that love is a powerful thing and I don't think it ever goes away, can you re-light a flame between you? If not and there never was no love and you married for some financial reason or arranged marriage. Then it was doomed from the start and you should cut and run


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This actually touches upon how I got to the point of making a decision about my marriage.

There comes a point where you honestly have to ask yourself: "What exactly am I trying to save?"

It's an important question to ask yourself because if you are able to separate yourself from the raw emotions, it may become apparent that it really isn't worth saving. Some may call that 'giving up'. I don't. The level of resentment and inequality that had built up in my marriage had completely destroyed our foundation for a relationship, romantic or otherwise. More importantly, through our discussions in trying to salvage the marriage - it became apparent that neither of us were willing to concede or compromise to meet the others needs. So? With that information, and knowledge, trying to stay married would have only made everything worse.

We pulled the plug before we got to the place of openly despising one another. Once we were apart, our relationship improved dramatically. This actually confused things at times. I was out of the house, so the constant friction was gone. Did I still love my wife? Yes. Did we practice love, or did I believe that she could love me in a way I would find fulfilling? No.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Deejo said:


> The level of resentment and inequality that had built up in my marriage had completely destroyed our foundation for a relationship, romantic or otherwise. More importantly, through our discussions in trying to salvage the marriage - it became apparent that neither of us were willing to concede or compromise to meet the others needs.


That describes the situation exactly. I told my wife exactly what I wanted/needed in a marriage to be happy and fulfilled. She said she couldn't be that/do that. And I can't be/do what she wants in a marriage.

But during our last "what are we going to do" talk, I told her she knows what I want in a marriage and she can either get onboard with it or not. She said "not without counseling". I told her I was willing to go to 3 sessions and then evaluate where we were. (We've previously attended several individual sessions and one couples session.) 

Recently, she said she was willing to try counseling again. I thought to myself "Oh F#CK!". I didn't think she would.

Am I being true to myself or to her? NOPE (and that's the problem of me not speaking up for what I want).


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

YES, YES and YES....... i don't think my wife is a HORRIBLE person but her prior actions and lack of remorse have not helped our relationship. at this point, like you, I have no physical contact with her, no real connection.... two roommates that still sort of sleep in the same bed. I have stuck it out way too long for the kids.... the kids hopefully will be fine....

I am hopefully down to about 2 months until my townhouse is vacant for me to move into it....

What is your game plan?




D8zed said:


> I recently came across a great article about falling and being in love. I found one paragraph particularly interesting because of the opposite feelings I am having and was wondering if anyone else had ever felt this way.
> 
> Here is a paragraph from the article talking about being in love:
> 
> ...


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

HELP ME. said:


> What is your game plan?


LOL, I have a friend that asks me that exact same question!

Honestly, I don't know what my plan is. My wife and I have had 2 loooong discussions since my original post. As I sit here today, I don't know if we're doing the counseling thing or not. Can you see how I just allow things to happen TO ME instead of taking the lead? I hate that.

There are soooooo many issues to resolve and I don't know if I have the energy or commitment to work through them all.

I'm kind of thinking a separation is a good first step. There's LOTS of tension and stress in the house and I think S19 and D16 are getting tired of it.


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