# Help to find a solution



## helpneededhere (May 9, 2015)

It's a long story. Hope everyone stays with me till the end.

We got married in late 2011. Since I take care of my younger sister (my parents stay in a distant city), there where three of us at home. Me, my wife and my sister.

Soon, she started accusing me of infedility with almost every woman i know of. My sister, my mother, maid, my friend, my colleague at office, my clients, girls going on roads. List was endless.

With all the drama for over a year, I finally decided to leave (with my wife) and rent one more house near by. This mean my sister was left alone at home, I tried hard to find room-mates, but first few months she was living alone and she used to be awake all night. After few months my mother arranged few room-mates who can stay with her. 

At the same time, even after moving to a different place all these infidelity blames slowed down, but it was still happening atleast 2-3 times a week. Then I decided to visit a phsycatrist, where my wife was diagnosed with delusional disorder. We took counselling sessions for 10 months, before she decided to not continue any more. All the time she never took medicines.

Every time I tried contacting my family/friends she used to shout for hours and curse me with all bad things she can think of. This made me slowly stopped connecting/responding to my friends and parents. Now no one talk to me.

Now fast forward 2 years after leaving my house. She has left her job, and all her time goes in makeup, clothes and many false promises of how she'll work hard to take tutions or make her mark in blogging world. 

My family stopped responding to my calls/messages and her too. She'd try calling them once in a quarter and then complains that she tried but they are not responding.


I feel utterly depressed and find no way of fixing this. Please help.


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## helpneededhere (May 9, 2015)

sargon said:


> So 2 years ago, you moved out, and you rented a house for yourself.
> 
> Now your sister lives alone.
> 
> What happened to your wife?


Added that info. Thanks for the correction.




sargon said:


> Why are you paying rent for your sister to live in a house that you no longer live in? Why doesn't she get an apartment and pay the rent herself?


Because she can't. She don't earn that much (she is fresh out of college). While she was with me, she was studying. And I am not sure how this is contextual ? The problem is infidelity blames and the result which has led me away from my friends and family. 

And at the end my sister paying rent *will*not solve the problem here.

Removing the financial part from the thread. It's just digressing the whole thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife?

How long did you know her and date her before you married her?

Your wife is mentally ill and she is emotionally abusing you.

Look at what has happened to your life. You have lost everyone but your wife. This is what abusive people do... they make their spouses life miserable to get them to give up everyone else.

Then once you are isolated, she can abuse you and you have no support system.

You need to divorce your wife. What you see is what she is. No one can live a lifetime with someone like that.

You cannot fix her or change her. You can only fix yourself. So do that by divorcing her and moving on with your life.


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## helpneededhere (May 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your wife?


I am 30. She's 26.


EleGirl said:


> How long did you know her and date her before you married her?


Arranged marriage. Not dated her before marriage.



EleGirl said:


> Your wife is mentally ill and she is emotionally abusing you.


Yep. But, should I left someone who is mentally ill ? Will that be right ?



EleGirl said:


> Look at what has happened to your life. You have lost everyone but your wife. This is what abusive people do... they make their spouses life miserable to get them to give up everyone else.
> 
> Then once you are isolated, she can abuse you and you have no support system.
> 
> ...


That's I have been hearing from all people I have gone to ask for some help. However, I don't want to do that. Let me explain why.

Apart from this infidelity blames and isolating me, there's no other problem with her. Rest all is fine in our life.

I am sure there's a way through which I can fix this.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

helpneededhere said:


> I am 30. She's 26.
> 
> 
> Arranged marriage. Not dated her before marriage.
> ...


Doesn't sound to me like you can fix it at all. Your wife sounds quite mentally ill. She is the only one who can fix this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

helpneededhere said:


> Yep. But, should I left someone who is mentally ill ? Will that be right ?


Yes, you have the right to your own life. Let's turn this around and look at it from the other side. Who has the right to abuse you and effectively enslave you? Does anyone have the right to require you to lose all of your friendships and connections to your family? I don't think anyone has that right.

You are not obligated to sacrifice your entire life to someone else.



helpneededhere said:


> Apart from this infidelity blames and isolating me, there's no other problem with her. Rest all is fine in our life.


But what is wrong with her is huge. This is not some minor cosmetic blemish or an irritating laugh. She is deeply mentally ill. She is exhibiting classic behaviors such as isolating you from everyone else and verbally abusing you. This only gets worse for you, not better.




helpneededhere said:


> I am sure there's a way through which I can fix this.


No, this is most likely not fixable. You have tried professional help via a psychiatrist. Your wife not only has not gotten better, but _she refused to comply with treatment_.

What makes you think there is some magic bullet which will suddenly cure her?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Is she cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Is she cheating?


She's delusional and blames him of cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

helpneededhere said:


> I am 30. She's 26.
> 
> 
> Arranged marriage. Not dated her before marriage.
> ...


Will it be right to leave a person who is mentally ill? 

Here is something for you to think about. Have you ever flown on an airplane? During the pre-flight talk they tell you that if you are traveling with a child and the oxygen masks fall out, put the mask on yourself before you put it on your children. Why? Because if you put it on your child first, then you will be unconscious and unable to get your own mask on. So the chances that your child will survive, without you to help them is next to zero.

Why did I bring this up? It’s a perfect example of why it’s important to take care of yourself first. If you don’t, you will not be good for anyone else.

Living with, or being married to, a person with a severe mental illness is very hard to deal with. I can “hear” in your posts what it’s doing to you. It can actually drive you into either a deep depression and/or mental illness.

I took care of one of my nephews who is schizophrenic for several years. In the end I had to stop doing it. Why? Because he would not cooperate with any treatment. He’d go into his psychotic states and become even more uncooperative. I talked to his doctors. They said that there were medications and therapy that could help him. But he refused to take the meds or go to therapy. So he was basically refusing to get better and to learn to manage his mental illness.

As odd as it sounds, a mentally ill person has a responsibility to do everything they can to learn to live as normal a life as they can. If they do not do this, then they are choosing to emotionally and mentally harm those around them. This is what your wife is doing. She likes the control that she has. For her in recent years the mental illness is give her a lot of power and control over you. She likes that. She has you all to herself. Why would she cooperate with treatment and therapy?
But you are being hurt by all this. Are you becoming depressed? I would be surprised if you were not.
If you stay with things the way they are, you will most likely become seriously depressed. You will have a hard time functioning. If you do not take care of yourself first, you will be no good to anyone.



helpneededhere said:


> That's I have been hearing from all people I have gone to ask for some help. However, I don't want to do that. Let me explain why.
> 
> Apart from this infidelity blames and isolating me, there's no other problem with her. Rest all is fine in our life.
> 
> I am sure there's a way through which I can fix this.


You are clearly not ready to leave her. So here is what I suggest. You get into counseling and see a doctor. Tell them what is going on and ask for help in dealing with her issues. After a few sessions she will have to join you in counseling. They will help you to see if you can get her help, too. But you need the counseling because you need someone who can help you learn how to deal with this.

There is therapy that can teach your wife how to recognize her delusions and to handle them so that she does not hurt your life. IF she is willing to really work on this, things might get better.
I understand that you want to do everything possible before you end your marriage. So get some help and do everything you can. If she does not get better or if she refuses to cooperate, then you will need to make a decision about staying or going.

Whatever you do, do not continue with things the way they have been. You are being drug down into her dysfunction.. which will become your dysfunction as well.

Tell, me does her delusional disorder show up much when she is outside the home? How does she behave in public? Does she have any kind of job? Or does she save this behavior just for in your home?

Where are her parents? Do you know them? They had to be aware that she was mentally ill. This did not just happen after you married her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Where are her parents? Do you know them? They had to be aware that she was mentally ill. This did not just happen after you married her.


I understand this is a cultural issue being an arranged marriage. So my comment may not be received as helpful or even possible. 

Helpneededhere, this is _an arranged marriage_ which means you did not know this person or make an informed consent to take care of her. Imagine a different scenario where you knew fully about her mental illness before marrying her. Now I would say you have a strong obligation to care for her _as long as she is also making every reasonable effort_ too. But you were unaware of her mental illness. Surely her family knew about it, yet they foisted her off onto you. Did your parents know she had issues?

EleGirl makes a very good point that your wife is obligated to do her part in all of this, including seeking treatment and complying with treatment.

I'm sure you feel social pressures to the families and within your culture and circle of friends. But this is an _external_ pressure which you are allowing them to place onto you. You can choose not to abide by what they think about the situation. You can choose to put your entire life and happiness above their desires about what you do with your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

helpneededhere said:


> I feel utterly depressed and find no way of fixing this. Please help.


The way you fix this is by learning about boundaries and consequences from the therapist that you will be attending EVERY SINGLE WEEK until you learn to differentiate yourself from your wife and her mental illness. It's admirable that you stay with her, but you are hurting BOTH of you by staying and not changing things.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Everyone is dead-on.

Admirable enough as it is to want to honor your obligation, you are doing so to your own peril. There is little hope she will ever change and I think a divorce is in order so you can restore your life and your relationships with family.

But if you want to TRY to make it work, there is only one way without completely losing yourself. Tell her she knows her diagnosis. Tell her that she MUST go back and CONTINUE to get help for the rest of her life or you are leaving. Also talk to the psychiatrist about anti-psychotic medications and make the same deal with your wife - she MUST take any meds the doctor recommends. But most people who are delusional also don't see that they need help and therefore are unlikely for her to stick with it. And do be prepared to follow through and leave.

You don't want children with this woman - she will be verbally abusive to them, accuse them of all sorts of things and there's also a chance they will also develop some sort of disorder.

So the very parents that arranged this marriage have now abandoned you? Perhaps it's worth pointing that out to them.

As to your sister, she is educated and now has roommates. She can stand on her own - you have enough to worry about now.


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