# Should I tell his parents?



## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

I am at mid 30s and husband at late 40s. We got 2 young kids and married for 7 yrs. I'm working getting half of his salary but he's paying for all the child and living expenses. I discovered my husband use prostitutions 5 yrs ago, numerous dating website browsing history, then 2 continuous-seat movie tickets couple years ago. We went on marriage counseling and it seems fine. But then 2 days ago I discovered him contacting this woman for platonic cuddling. I am very heart broken and decide to begin separation (need 1 year in this state). He agreed to return to his parents and let me stay in the current house that we just rent. 

My question is:
1. Should I tell his parents? I see a lot of people are recommending telling the parents. My concern is if I do that, it will make him upset and stop paying for the rent and living expenses.
2. In the state that need 1 year separation, do I need to contact a divorce attorney now?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If you are going to divorce then I see no reason to tell his parents. You shouldn't keep this a secret due to shame, but there is also no need to go out of your way to tell people. 

Yes, you should see a lawyer now. There may be things you can do in the meantime to speed up the process after the 1 year separation. You may also be eligible for interim spousal support during the separation. This could alleviate your fears of him suddenly cutting you off.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You may also want to find out if you can file for divorce while separated. Some states allow that, some do not. You may want to file before your husband does.

Most lawyers do free 30-60 minute consultations. I recommend seeing more than one lawyer because you will most likely get different opinions and prices from each. Also, any lawyer that you see your husband will not be allowed to use. But judges don't like that so tread carefully.

Make sure you get STD tested...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

peter girl said:


> I am at mid 30s and husband at late 40s. We got 2 young kids and married for 7 yrs. I'm working getting half of his salary but he's paying for all the child and living expenses. I discovered my husband use prostitutions 5 yrs ago, numerous dating website browsing history, then 2 continuous-seat movie tickets couple years ago. We went on marriage counseling and it seems fine. But then 2 days ago I discovered him contacting this woman for platonic cuddling. I am very heart broken and decide to begin separation (need 1 year in this state). He agreed to return to his parents and let me stay in the current house that we just rent.
> 
> My question is:
> 1. Should I tell his parents? I see a lot of people are recommending telling the parents. My concern is if I do that, it will make him upset and stop paying for the rent and living expenses.
> 2. In the state that need 1 year separation, do I need to contact a divorce attorney now?


Contact a family law attorney and that's one of the questions you can ask. I'm just not sure how telling his parents could make him stop seeing prostitutes. Sorry you're having to deal with this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many such fools have a fine working penis, yet have a sin working peanut for a brain.


_SunCMars-_


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

May I ask the advantage of filing for divorce before my husband? Except I got to choose a lawyer before he does (is it very important)? And thanks for your advice for meeting more lawyers to pick the one I would like. Here it seems that they all charge from session 1.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

bobert said:


> You may also want to find out if you can file for divorce while separated. Some states allow that, some do not. You may want to file before your husband does.
> 
> Most lawyers do free 30-60 minute consultations. I recommend seeing more than one lawyer because you will most likely get different opinions and prices from each. Also, any lawyer that you see your husband will not be allowed to use. But judges don't like that so tread carefully.
> 
> Make sure you get STD tested...


May I ask the advantage of filing for divorce before my husband? Except I got to choose a lawyer before he does (is it very important)? And thanks for your advice for meeting more lawyers to pick the one I would like. Here it seems that they all charge from session 1.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Contact a family law attorney and that's one of the questions you can ask. I'm just not sure how telling his parents could make him stop seeing prostitutes. Sorry you're having to deal with this.


Thanks! Now I get why in this other post people are suggesting telling parents. Thanks for your empathy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peter girl said:


> May I ask the advantage of filing for divorce before my husband? Except I got to choose a lawyer before he does (is it very important)? And thanks for your advice for meeting more lawyers to pick the one I would like. Here it seems that they all charge from session 1.


In some divorces, who files first does not matter because each has the same legal rights no matter who files first.

However, your situation has specific needs. You need his continued support for yourself and your children.

He benefits from the divorce not being filed now because that way there is no court order telling him how much and when he has to provide support. This way he has a lot of control over the situation and you.

You benefit from filing as soon as possible so that interim alimony and child support are established. It can also establish things like you have sole use of the home, who has primary custody of the children and what the time share schedule is. Otherwise he can move back in any time he wants because it's his legal residence too.

You said that you were concerned that if you tell his parents about the things he's done, he'll stop the support. Well if you file, that fear goes away. 

At this point you might be best to not tell his parents. However, if he tells them things to make you look like the bad guy, yea tell them.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Yes, you should. Never protect a cheaters secret.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

peter girl said:


> May I ask the advantage of filing for divorce before my husband? Except I got to choose a lawyer before he does (is it very important)? And thanks for your advice for meeting more lawyers to pick the one I would like. Here it seems that they all charge from session 1.



If you file now you can establish interim support, which will take away the worry that he could just cut you off. You may also be entitled to more than what he is currently giving you. 
He also may not be able to move back into the home whenever he wants, which would be hard for you and disruptive to the kids.
You would establish a custody schedule so that he cannot take the kids whenever he wants or essentially kidnap them. He could take the kids and refuse to give them back to you until a judge tells him to, and that's not always a quick process. I've seen it take 2 weeks, and I've seen it take 4 months.
If your husband has access to your money or you have a shared bank account, he could empty the accounts or spend your money. You need to make sure your money is inaccessible to him and any shared funds are split fairly. A lawyer can tell you what to do there so that you don't get into trouble. 
An order can be filed so that your husband cannot make any financial moves that would impact you (such as hiding assets, emptying bank accounts, taking you off as a beneficiary, etc).
The lawyer will tell you what documents you need to have and this lets you get a head start and secure those documents before your husband decides to hide them. 
If your state allows, and if your case would benefit from, you can file for an at-fault divorce. He may be able to get the grounds for divorce changed (which could have a better outcome for him), but this is something to ask the lawyer about. 
It gives you time to choose a lawyer that is good (some are not), that you like, that you've had time to think about, and feel comfortable with, rather than taking the first one you can find because you were just blindsided by divorce papers and have x amount of days to respond. Your decision-making skills are better when you're not totally stressed out. 
It lets you secure the lawyer you want by having time to find the funds for the retainer fee. 
This is frowned upon and could get him into trouble, but if your husband goes and meets with all the best lawyers in your area then you're **** out of luck. You cannot use them once he meets with them. So you'd be wise to secure a lawyer ahead of time.
If you decide to stop the divorce, that would be in your hands (depending on how far into the process you've gone). 
Whoever files first can often decide which county or state the divorce is filed. For example, if you have more than one residence you may be able to file in two different counties or states. Each state has its own laws, and even each county can have different expected outcomes.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

PG, have you asked him why he's willing to pay for sex and cuddling? The fact the you said, "he paying for the kids and living expenses" indicates y'all have separate financial arrangements. His idea or yours?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

moon7 said:


> Yes, you should. Never protect a cheaters secret.


Imagine him telling his parents he only started going to prostitutes AFTER you filed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The person who files first generally controls the process. He could put the divorce on hold, and drag it out, at any time if he is the one who files. If he filed and you felt what he asked for in the petition was unfair, you would have to file your own cross-petition with what you felt was fair. When you do that, you go from a simple uncontested divorce to one that’s contested. Then it becomes expensive — sometimes very expensive. Better to file first, be fair in what you ask for, and hope he will go along with an uncontested divorce. Otherwise, it can get complained. Meeting with a mediator to iron out details, or just coming to an agreement between the two of you without a mediator, before you file is the best way but that requires cooperation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I would file first, but getting some good legal advise would be a good first step. Ask around for recommendations for a good local divorce lawyer. As for his parents, if you are close to them you could tell them why you are ending the marriage, he wont of course. He will probably tell them all sorts of lies as to why he has left.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Openminded said:


> If he filed and you felt what he asked for in the petition was unfair, you would have to file your own cross-petition with what you felt was fair.


If she want to divorce him, she should go ahead and file. Leave his friggin parents out of it. They probably already know their son is a ***** hopper who need cuddling from a paid woman. As far a hiring the best lawyer, dividing resources, et cetera, these two are mid thirties and late forties and live in a rental house. Ain't like we're dealing with Bill and Melinda Gates here.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

What is platonic cuddling?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OutofRetirement said:


> What is platonic cuddling?


No foreplay, no sexual touching, no dirty talk, just hugging.

There_ are _women who (advertise) offer this service to men, BTW.
To sad men, lonely men, single men only.
For money, of course.

...........................................................................

In this instance, I suspect....

It is an escape from criticism, and an escape from proper wording.

If true, it may be because that is all he could afford.
Or, he is impotent, his pee-pee done petered out.

Likely, a lie, he has lied to his wife ad-nauseam, and has laid with those sex workers, more than once, and employing full-on action.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Thanks, I never heard of it before.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Why bring parents into it? Does need need a parental spanking?
Sounds to me like it didn't work when he was young, probably isn't going to work now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You must see a lawyer immediately. There may be rights you need to protect, and it may start the 1 year clock for the divorce. Whether to file for divorce now depends on many factors. Only a local attorney can advise you on these kinds of very important things which affect you and your children.

You need real advice from a real lawyer where you live. They will know the laws and how the courts there apply it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Oh great, another immature man using the services of a pro while married. Frankly I have never understood that mindset, however, I wanted to address the telling of the parents. From where I sit, I have seen plenty of these. OK, once again, I am an accountant, and the idea of spending stupid sums on ladies of the evening kind of offends me. Second, I put myself through school by driving my father's taxi at night. He taught me that there were several street corners and several women that, if their hand was up, I was to pick them and their customers up post-haste. I have had coffee with several of the ladies. My wife has known and done business with many. Funny story. I was an intermediate with my second firm. I had developed a friendship with one of the partners. I am known now in the industry as someone that will work in the gray areas. Consequently, he assigned me to one of his sketchier clients. So, I am at my in-laws, having dinner, and I tell my wife that I have been assigned to a body-rub parlor. At this time my wife was working a cosmetic business from our home. Her eyes light up, can I come too? Then the MIL's eyes light up, I wanna see the inside of a place like that too. My FIL shot that down. So, next day, after I told my wife that I really did not want her there, I get buzzed from the front lobby that a lady was there with my lunch. She waltzes through the place as if she owns it. I AM LITERALLY SQUIRMING. Then one of the attendants comes back, and says that she wants to make an order. Huh? My wife left a half dozen of her catalogues. Suddenly all of the attendants are in my office space and my wife is selling product. Well, my wife ended up selling cosmetics to a significant number of attendants at most of the body rubs in town. She said that they are just customers, and so what? She developed a few acquaintances and some friendships. Then when she decided to go back to accounting, the cosmetic company wanted the sale book, too bad that when they started seeing the clientele, one of the execs dispatched to our home was incensed that she had taken the initiative, saying, these women are not our "target demographic" to which my wife replied, their money is still green, and it was accepted by my bank.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

I'm always of the school that you should "shock and awe" their infidelity and blow up the fantasy - no matter what it is. This is one thing I did in the early days that I did right. I did a lot of other things wrong later, but I got this one right. You should absolutely tell his parents. Give him no soft landing for his execrable behavior.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

Thank you all for explaining why I need to file first. I see all these advantage now. I do need to go get one ASAP.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> PG, have you asked him why he's willing to pay for sex and cuddling? The fact the you said, "he paying for the kids and living expenses" indicates y'all have separate financial arrangements. His idea or yours?


I just asked him. And he said it's hard to find someone to cuddle. The separate financial arrangements are both ideas. We are more comfortable of arranging our own money. He is very sensitive of exposing his own account.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> Imagine him telling his parents he only started going to prostitutes AFTER you filed.


I understand it might be hard to be friends when people get divorce. I still don't want to hurt anyone if not necessary.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> these two are mid thirties and late forties and live in a rental house. Ain't like we're dealing with Bill and Melinda Gates here.


These comments seemed to be a bit judgmental.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

I am feeling very confused and shocked. He's good to me and the kids in every way besides this. 
I also asked myself if it's necessary to file for a divorce over non-sexual cuddling, which from the msgs seemed to be aligned to what he explained.
I guess what bother me is, every time when such thing happen, he acted in a very indifferent way. He would go lay down and not talk. Doesn't matter I cried, I yelled, I talked, I complaint. He said he's so ashamed that he doesn't know what to do. And I am the one who sucked it all up. I initiated the communication. I tried to come up with a solution. He acted like this is nothing and I am totally over reacting. He once even asked me if I can regard this as a "sex transaction". Then he would resume to his normal life like nothing has happened.
I once think we have a lot of different values and maybe I wasn't sensitive to attend his needs. Now I feel this can be a strong aggression towards me. I can't accept this way of aggression. To be honest I even feel a little bit numb when I learned about the cuddling. Like "Ops he did it again". But still so painful to think about needing to go through the D process.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

Thumos said:


> I'm always of the school that you should "shock and awe" their infidelity and blow up the fantasy - no matter what it is. This is one thing I did in the early days that I did right. I did a lot of other things wrong later, but I got this one right. You should absolutely tell his parents. Give him no soft landing for his execrable behavior.


What will be my advantage if I tell his parents? Since they won't be supportive for me anyway.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

peter girl said:


> I just asked him. And he said it's hard to find someone to cuddle. The separate financial arrangements are both ideas. We are more comfortable of arranging our own money. He is very sensitive of exposing his own account.


WHAT? Why didn't he ask YOU to cuddle with him? YOU are the person he SHOULD be cuddling with.... Sensitive of his account makes me think something is sketchy in the finances?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

peter girl said:


> These comments seemed to be a bit judgmental.


Since a house is oftentimes the biggest asset of most folks, since you said you're renters, it doesn't sound like you and him have a lot of financial unwinding to do. I may be wrong but I'm speaking from my experience as a tax legal eagle.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Can you explain why he needs someone other than you to snuggle with? Other than he’s a weird dude?


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

peter girl said:


> What will be my advantage if I tell his parents? Since they won't be supportive for me anyway.


You’re not trying to get them on your side, you’re taking away his soft landing and not letting him spin a narrative that is anything other than the ugly truth. Expose, shine the light of day on it and it tends to look every bit as sordid as it is. Get the truth out there. The truth will set you free


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

peter girl said:


> I am at mid 30s and husband at late 40s. We got 2 young kids and married for 7 yrs. I'm working getting half of his salary but he's paying for all the child and living expenses. I discovered my husband use prostitutions 5 yrs ago, numerous dating website browsing history, then 2 continuous-seat movie tickets couple years ago. We went on marriage counseling and it seems fine. But then 2 days ago I discovered him contacting this woman for platonic cuddling. I am very heart broken and decide to begin separation (need 1 year in this state). He agreed to return to his parents and let me stay in the current house that we just rent.
> 
> My question is:
> 1. Should I tell his parents? I see a lot of people are recommending telling the parents. My concern is if I do that, it will make him upset and stop paying for the rent and living expenses.
> 2. In the state that need 1 year separation, do I need to contact a divorce attorney now?



Go see a lawyer immediately to see what options and protection you have. He cannot simply not support you and his kids, there are laws to cover this.
How do you get on with his parents, will they support you in this?
You should file for divorce, alimony and child support.
How have you put up with this for so long?
Tell his parents once you know your rights, they ought to know what is happening, in fact so should your family


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

peter girl said:


> I am feeling very confused and shocked. He's good to me and the kids in every way besides this.
> I also asked myself if it's necessary to file for a divorce over non-sexual cuddling, which from the msgs seemed to be aligned to what he explained.
> I guess what bother me is, every time when such thing happen, he acted in a very indifferent way. He would go lay down and not talk. Doesn't matter I cried, I yelled, I talked, I complaint. He said he's so ashamed that he doesn't know what to do. And I am the one who sucked it all up. I initiated the communication. I tried to come up with a solution. He acted like this is nothing and I am totally over reacting. He once even asked me if I can regard this as a "sex transaction". Then he would resume to his normal life like nothing has happened.
> I once think we have a lot of different values and maybe I wasn't sensitive to attend his needs. Now I feel this can be a strong aggression towards me. I can't accept this way of aggression. To be honest I even feel a little bit numb when I learned about the cuddling. Like "Ops he did it again". But still so painful to think about needing to go through the D process.


Time to divorce love, he doesn't care about you. He is a serial cheater, I think non-sexual cuddling is the least of your worries, he did alot more than cuddling with his prior encounters why get hung up on this one? I think you are not seeing the wood from the trees here. He has been cheating on your for years, that is why you should divorce.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Imho there is no reason to tell his parents anything. Divorce means you are ridding yourself of the weight of his unfaithfulness. The less drama the better for you and your kids.

If he starts telling lies about you, then go ahead and blow up his world. His little secret is actually ammunition for you to get him to proceed quickly and quietly through the divorce. Not blackmail, and not leverage to get more stuff from him. Just a quid pro quo that if he starts mouthing off, dragging his feet, telling lies about you, then you are free to tell the truth about what he has done and why you are divorcing him. I would approach it as "There is no reason to air our dirty laundry to anyone. Not your parents, not our friends, not anybody. For the sake of our kids, and for our own sanity, I will work to get through this divorce as quickly and peacefully as possible as long as you do, too.".


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

to the community in general:
What is the justification states use to pass laws requiring a 1 year separation? Is it some kind of advantage to the society as a whole? Just short answers if you know, I don't want to thread jack.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Can you explain why he needs someone other than you to snuggle with? Other than he’s a weird dude?


It's pretty sad isn't it?


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

aine said:


> Time to divorce love, he doesn't care about you. He is a serial cheater, I think non-sexual cuddling is the least of your worries, he did alot more than cuddling with his prior encounters why get hung up on this one? I think you are not seeing the wood from the trees here. He has been cheating on your for years, that is why you should divorce.


I guess it's just my illusion that he can get better and get out of his "hobby".


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

peter girl said:


> I am at mid 30s and husband at late 40s. We got 2 young kids and married for 7 yrs. I'm working getting half of his salary but he's paying for all the child and living expenses. I discovered my husband use prostitutions 5 yrs ago, numerous dating website browsing history, then 2 continuous-seat movie tickets couple years ago. We went on marriage counseling and it seems fine. But then 2 days ago I discovered him contacting this woman for platonic cuddling. I am very heart broken and decide to begin separation (need 1 year in this state). He agreed to return to his parents and let me stay in the current house that we just rent.
> 
> My question is:
> 1. Should I tell his parents? I see a lot of people are recommending telling the parents. My concern is if I do that, it will make him upset and stop paying for the rent and living expenses.
> 2. In the state that need 1 year separation, do I need to contact a divorce attorney now?


Why do people think marriage counseling is going to magically and suddenly make a cheater stop wanting to cheat? Good lord. As you can see, *that* doesn't work.

You need to polish your resume and start looking for full time work to support yourself and stop expecting to be supported by your serial cheater. Don't get me wrong - I hope you find a blood-thirsty lawyer and leave nothing but a pile of shining bones when you're done with this assclown, but it's time to stop having to continually pander to this ass-hole in order to pay your rent.

You need to be *financially independent* so you can make your OWN decisions rather than having to bend to him constantly because your financial dependency on him dictates it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

peter girl said:


> I guess it's just my illusion that he can get better and get out of his "hobby".


He is who he is. This is how he is wired. It isn't a hobby.

He is entitled to his desires and fantasies, but he isn't entitled to abuse you in the process. He could have stayed single. He could have married someone who was happy to let him do these things. But he didn't, and he has abused you with his actions.

You, too, are entitled to your belief system and how you feel about what he has done. You have every right to divorce him because he is not a match for you. He is not going to change. He is not going to understand what he has done to you. Your choice really is to either fully accept him as he is with the knowledge he will continue to do these things, or to leave the relationship.


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## peter girl (Aug 24, 2020)

Thor said:


> He is who he is. This is how he is wired. It isn't a hobby.
> 
> He is entitled to his desires and fantasies, but he isn't entitled to abuse you in the process. He could have stayed single. He could have married someone who was happy to let him do these things. But he didn't, and he has abused you with his actions.
> 
> You, too, are entitled to your belief system and how you feel about what he has done. You have every right to divorce him because he is not a match for you. He is not going to change. He is not going to understand what he has done to you. Your choice really is to either fully accept him as he is with the knowledge he will continue to do these things, or to leave the relationship.


Thanks for your comment. 
I did try to accept, but every time I found out these romantic contacts, I am still greatly impacted and injured. I feel out of nowhere I got stabbed at my back by my lover.
He said home is very intense that's why he needs some outlets. I apologized that I made him feel that way. But if this how we need to sustain our marriage, then this kind of communication is not acceptable for me. 
when I asked how would I know I will be protected in the future for such behaviors. He said he doesn't know.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

peter girl said:


> Thanks for your comment.
> I did try to accept, but every time I found out these romantic contacts, I am still greatly impacted and injured. I feel out of nowhere I got stabbed at my back by my lover.
> He said home is very intense that's why he needs some outlets. I apologized that I made him feel that way. But if this how we need to sustain our marriage, then this kind of communication is not acceptable for me.
> when I asked how would I know I will be protected in the future for such behaviors. He said he doesn't know.


I don't see any justification for his behavior
I believe you should divorce and move on. 
If you can't trust your partner, you don't have a marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

peter girl said:


> Thanks for your comment.
> I did try to accept, but every time I found out these romantic contacts, I am still greatly impacted and injured. I feel out of nowhere I got stabbed at my back by my lover.
> He said home is very intense that's why he needs some outlets. I apologized that I made him feel that way. But if this how we need to sustain our marriage, then this kind of communication is not acceptable for me.
> when I asked how would I know I will be protected in the future for such behaviors. He said he doesn't know.


Yes and if you continue to live with him, in another 10 years you will be destroyed mentally and emotionally. You sound young enough, time to get out and start a new life afresh. Remember your kids need better role models than him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@peter girl He's not worth your time or your effort.


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