# My journey back from the fog...



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I have to post this in hopes it will help those who have been cheated on and those who have cheated. If you read these posts you know that there is the build up time to the affair and the affair and the withdrawl that all make up the "fog". My fog began in June 2008. I began spinning my wheels trying to spend more quality time with my husband and him having reasons or excuses to not be available. I wanted to leave and he would say he would spend more time with me to get me to stay. I would stay and then he would withdraw again. That lasted 2 years and intensified and became more about control and manipulation and punishment from him, and sadness and rejection for me. I finally went out and found someone who would not reject me and told myself that it was ok bc my husband was not honoring me as his wife, and not letting himself see the things I did for him and for us. I felt justified also bc he would forget my birthday or Valentines Day... it fueled the fog.

It was easy and relaxed with the other man... natural. He would have sex in places my husband never would, in ways my husband never would and at times my husband never would. He would cuddle after, and talk with me. It was wonderful.... cue more fog. Home life thrived during this... more fog.

Thanks to summer commitments, I was out of town alot... created distance from OM for 2 1/2 months. There was the light through the fog that I couldnt previously see... my conscience was telling me to go towards the light... even if it wasnt the nicest place. Just go. The light was being with my husband, only my husband with all his flaws and good traits combined. God, he can be so stubborn and OCD like and controlling. But being in the light allowed me to see his flaws as insecurities, things that were overwhelming to him. His anger and control was an expression of his fear.

I couldnt see that while I was in the fog completely... only his pitiful existence and excuses and control and manipulations. 

That whole time I was spinning my wheels and the fog was being produced by his and my own actions, I thought I was doing the right things in the right ways... just like he did. We were both wrong.

When I wasnt completely out of the fog I could still see the good things in the other man and the bad things in my husband. I made myself say no. What would my kids think if they ever found out. I found any reason to keep me from going back. Then, I had to teach myself to see the reality of this other man vs what he was when we were together temporarily. I thought "is this a man I would have dated when I was single?" My answer was no. 

Now, I have been so focused on things I can do in my marriage to make it better. I have been working with this prorgram dealing with narcissism and codependency (bc its similar to our marriage) and its paying off. My husband actually messaged me to have sex to make up for last night when "I" was too tired. That is a 180 degree turn of events as it used to be the other way around. I may be tired for a wonderful reason though

Cheaters who come here looking for help... you can make it work. You have to willing to not only cut it off with the other person, but reframe how you think about the other person. If you have any positive thoughts in your head of the other person, you can so easily clam up with your spouse and use that + against working through the issue with your spouse, bc issues come up in marriage as part of life. The more you have in common with the other person, the more difficult this could be, but you can teach your brain to do anything you want. You can do this. 

Those who have been cheated on (Im with you too, as my husband also cheated on me)... if you want it to work, you have to stay committed to your marriage and have courage to face the withdrawl in your spouse. They may justify, shut down, get angry, control until they choose the marriage too. Explaining things to them only pushes them back in the fog. Demanding things does the same. Feeling entitled pushes them back also. This is where strength comes in, steadfast in your boundaries. Know yourself, know what you can tolerate and not. Instead of reprimanding, simply stay calm and state your boundary and that you love them. I never did that with my husband after he cheated on me bc I was so hurt, and felt like he owed me. I felt like he needed to prove to me that he loved me, desired me and wanted me to be around... and every time he pushed against my initiations, or said "I was going to have sex with you but not now" I was more and more crushed and rejected (feeling) than when he cheated. I tried to seduce him thinking if I can just be sexy enough he will forget her. I cleaned like crazy bc I knew he liked that. I basically began to lose myself bc I was so focused on how to get him to love me again. I believe I handled his affair the wrong way by thinking he needed to prove things, and that anything I did to please him was going to work. He didnt see those things bc of his fog. He also handled it badly by clamming up even more, but now that I understand his side I can see he may not have even been aware of how hurtful he was being to me. That was also his fog, he felt he was being punished for no good reason bc he couldnt contact the other woman anymore and he was pissed off!

My husband would laugh at me if I tried to get us to do the marriage builders and love busters bc he was so enraged that he couldnt contact this other woman anymore. They did have alot in common, and it made it more difficult. But, now he is more open to sometimes talking. I kind of have to work with our love language in indirect discreet ways so that we accomplish it without him knowing he is actually doing work. He is seeing the results and is happier with us and Im happy to be with my husband really for the first time in almost 3 years. I now know how I want to be treated and manage my emotions and boundaries. We may not be 100% back, but getting there


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey are you married to the-guy 

My wife has explained too me, the same things you have posted, so I agree...we agree. 

It is so important that BOTH spouses step up and say " it was me that caused the failure in the marriage, and BOTH spouse have to take control and repair it.

So toolate, awsome post


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Thanks for posting, this is really helpful.

Did you think you were in love with the OM? My wife says she fell in love and has cut of all contact and says she could never break the family up. She won't talk about it anymore and from your advice you're saying I just have to wait it out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Indy Nial said:


> Thanks for posting, this is really helpful.
> 
> Did you think you were in love with the OM? My wife says she fell in love and has cut of all contact and says she could never break the family up. She won't talk about it anymore and from your advice you're saying I just have to wait it out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In love, hmmm. No, I think I was infatuated with him... he was hot, smart, sensual. He loved that I loved having sex. 

If your wife is sincere about what she says, you can wait. Not breaking up a family is a strong motivator for a woman. Wait, showing love and boundaries. I used to want to talk it through to resolution as well, that doesnt work with some people (my husband included). It actually made him more distant and with holding of sex and perhaps justified in his mind why he wasnt happy in our realtionship. 

To ward off alot of talking we made a plan of actions for moving forward in a way that made us both happier. I listed 5 things and he listed 5 things that we each wanted. You could also list 3 things you dont like, and she could as well. It worked initially, but after a week he told me that he only made the list to get us to stop talking and didnt intend to carry through with it! It almost started a fight but I maintained my disappointment and merely looked him straight in the eyes and said "so you are ok lying to me still. I cant do anything about that, sorry we made the list", and walked away. He started with the list the next day with more verve than ever! We who have been cheated on need to maintain and manage our emotions or we will push the cheater away. It sounds so unfair, but its true. Whether I was the cheated on or the cheater, anger towards me is anger and is disrespectful and an automatic love extinguisher. Anger towards him as well... I had my fair share of anger but mostly sadness (women more easily goto sadness).

When the cheated on have a list of expectations for the cheater, it closes down the cheater more than they already were... bc they may not fully be out of the fog. When the cheated on shows love with boundaries, the cheater feels safer coming back. So waiting, showing love with boundaries... you may leave a little note asking for your spouse to let you know if she ever wants to discuss things. You want her to feel safe to open up to you... and if you do get to talk and she says something that makes you boil... quickly apologize. We as adults need to manage our anger or it will be misused. ANger in itself is not bad, its the fact that it gets misdirected so easily and quickly.

I really like Affaircare and Talornpete advice... but that would not work in my home bc my husabnd will not knowingly participate in stuff like that, which is why I do it in the way he doesnt know he is involved in that If that makes sense. He likes these tasks now that he said he never intended doing. He is also all over me for sex, which Im actually having to get used to (its out of character for him during the last 2 1/2 years... thats a long time that needs to be balanced out).

Seems like my Masters in Family Dynamics is finally coming in handy... for free:smthumbup:


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

the guy said:


> Hey are you married to the-guy
> 
> My wife has explained too me, the same things you have posted, so I agree...we agree.
> 
> ...


I dont know, am I?:scratchhead: Its annonymous on here. Maybe I should go read some of your posts to see if maybe you are my husband

Thanks! I never thought I would have experience with this area, but am hopeful it can help others to see it from both sides.


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