# New member introduction



## CinMN (3 mo ago)

Good morning! My names is *____* and I am coming on here for guidance on my relationship with my wife. My wife has (self-diagnosed) sexual aversion to me due to potentially suppressed sexual abuse as a child (although not confirmed) and a pressure that she says she set upon herself early in our marriage to do her "wifely duty" to have sex with me once a month. Last year after she admitted this, we are now down to approx. once every 2 or 3 months. Since we both stopped drinking, our relationship in every other way has dramatically gotten better to a point where others around us are shocked and amazed at how happy we are together. Obviously, they don't know our bedroom life but that's beside the point. I feel guilty and ashamed that my love language happens to be intimacy and that everything else is going so well but deep down I am crushed and defeated that this is how I feel. I am at the end of my rope with us but not sure how to express it without making her feel more guilty thus sending her into the spiral of only doing it with me out of guilt as well and furthering her aversion. Not sure if I was supposed to post all of this here on my introduction but I needed it to get off my chest. 

About me/us

Mid 30's, been marreid for 14 years, together for 15 with 3 kids.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CinMN said:


> Good morning! My names is *____* and I am coming on here for guidance on my relationship with my wife. My wife has (self-diagnosed) sexual aversion to me due to potentially suppressed sexual abuse as a child (although not confirmed) and a pressure that she says she set upon herself early in our marriage to do her "wifely duty" to have sex with me once a month. Last year after she admitted this, we are now down to approx. once every 2 or 3 months. Since we both stopped drinking, our relationship in every other way has dramatically gotten better to a point where others around us are shocked and amazed at how happy we are together. Obviously, they don't know our bedroom life but that's beside the point. I feel guilty and ashamed that my love language happens to be intimacy and that everything else is going so well but deep down I am crushed and defeated that this is how I feel. I am at the end of my rope with us but not sure how to express it without making her feel more guilty thus sending her into the spiral of only doing it with me out of guilt as well and furthering her aversion. Not sure if I was supposed to post all of this here on my introduction but I needed it to get off my chest.
> 
> About me/us
> 
> Mid 30's, been marreid for 14 years, together for 15 with 3 kids.


Welcome to TAM *_* ! Yea, posting this here is fine, others will be along soon to chime in and give thoughts.

My question is about your communication practices.

You said “_ not sure how to express it without making her feel more guilty”_

Bring up as a shared concern, looking at things from her perspective and trying to navigate the future of your relationship. Don’t approach it as a “problem” that is on her to fix. It’s a shared issue and you both own the outcome.

Have you tried this approach, maybe on other problems before?
Does she have the same concerns as you in terms of not understanding why it’s like this?


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

We communicate fairly well; she knows how I feel but I don't want to rehash it or bring it back up as it will send her back into guilty mode which does no one any good.

I understand and see things from her perspective, that's why I don't want to guilt her. I communicate to her using her love languages and never approach this as a problem or even approach it at all.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CinMN said:


> We communicate fairly well; she knows how I feel but I don't want to rehash it or bring it back up as it will send her back into guilty mode which does no one any good.
> 
> I understand and see things from her perspective, that's why I don't want to guilt her. I communicate to her using her love languages and never approach this as a problem or even approach it at all.


What about counseling, are you connected with a marriage counselor? What about her (IC) for the SA issues?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Has your wife seen a therapists about her sexual abuse? Seems to me that should be the first place to start.


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

To answer both of your questions, my wife starts counselling up next week. We have done couples but no real progress in that area as she felt ganged up on and to her credit, the councillor did gang up on her basically telling her that its her duty. Not exact words but paraphrased. Whats frustrating is that this has been going on so long and she is just now starting and she asked ME to set it up for her.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CinMN said:


> To answer both of your questions, my wife starts counselling up next week. We have done couples but no real progress in that area as she felt ganged up on and to her credit, the councillor did gang up on her basically telling her that its her duty. Not exact words but paraphrased. Whats frustrating is that this has been going on so long and she is just now starting and she asked ME to set it up for her.


Ouch! that couples counselor! Definitely need to shut that down quickly. Get a new counselor, someone with experience in childhood SA. As she deals with the issues in IC, they can have an impact on your marriage and you'll want some help to keep the impact positive.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

CinMN said:


> To answer both of your questions, my wife starts counselling up next week. We have done couples but no real progress in that area as she felt ganged up on and to her credit, the councillor did gang up on her basically telling her that its her duty. Not exact words but paraphrased. Whats frustrating is that this has been going on so long and she is just now starting and she asked ME to set it up for her.


Forget couples counseling for now. The main issue affecting your marriage is her past sexual abuse. I'm not a therapist, but it seems to me that's where your problems originate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Potential suppressed sexual abuse?

Not making light of SA by any means but if a maybe event, that one doesn't know about or remember if anything (if at all) happened,

how does one even come up with thinking something like that happened? What's the reasoning? Is there a chance someone planted those thoughts or W just came up with that on her own, from a tv show dr?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SCDad01 said:


> Has your wife seen a therapists about her sexual abuse? Seems to me that should be the first place to start.


What sexual abuse? 

Here's the Ws summary, from what H shared.

*"My wife has (self-diagnosed) sexual aversion to me due to potentially suppressed sexual abuse as a child (although not confirmed)* and a pressure that she says she set upon herself early in our marriage to do her "wifely duty" to have sex with me once a month."

So it's a bit confusing. 

There has to be a deeper backstory of info. Look how long they've been M, 14yrs, got kids, etc, and now this comes up.

Huh?


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ouch! that couples counselor! Definitely need to shut that down quickly. Get a new counselor, someone with experience in childhood SA. As she deals with the issues in IC, they can have an impact on your marriage and you'll want some help to keep the impact positive.


Yeah - she has searched out specific counselling, but post-pandemic is hard to find. Mental health became very concerning during the pandemic and now its really difficult to schedule time for therapy let alone a specific kind (either sex therapist or EMDR).


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Potential suppressed sexual abuse?
> 
> Not making light of SA by any means but if a maybe event, that one doesn't know about or remember if anything (if at all) happened,
> 
> how does one even come up with thinking something like that happened? What's the reasoning? Is there a chance someone planted those thoughts or W just came up with that on her own, from a tv show dr?


Well first off, she was secretly filmed by her stepfather from ages 14-17 who was just released from prison a few years ago but she always says she feels like there was more. A lot of people suppress traumatic event and they can come out in therapy, its not uncommon at all. She doesn't use this as an excuse.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What sexual abuse?
> 
> Here's the Ws summary, from what H shared.
> 
> ...


I took that to mean she was sexually abused as a child. But yeah, confusing as to if this is true or not.


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What sexual abuse?
> 
> Here's the Ws summary, from what H shared.
> 
> ...


I just sent the back story but you seem to be a bit harsh with your assessment and a bit rude. 

Not sure what is confusing about that point.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

CinMN said:


> Well first off, she was secretly filmed by her stepfather from ages 14-17 who was just released from prison a few years ago but she always says she feels like there was more. A lot of people suppress traumatic event and they can come out in therapy, its not uncommon at all. She doesn't use this as an excuse.


That is terrible and hopefully he rots in hell. I'm not minimizing it, but she wasn't physically molested, correct?


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> That is terrible and hopefully he rots in hell. I'm not minimizing it, but she wasn't physically molested, correct?


Not sure - she has suppressed most of her memories from high school due to this. She never claims she was SA, just that she doesn't know or may have been, or uses that as an excuse or even uses the recording as an excuse but it is an import event in her life that can contribute.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I'm going to step out on a ledge here and say your wife doesn't want to have sex and is just thinking of excuses. Yes, being secretly filmed by relative as a minor is terrible. But I don't see that being so traumautic that it affects her sex life as an adult. Maybe others will disagree. But she either isn't into sex or you and is using that as an excuse. MC is your best bet, but it sounds like she's not a fan of that. I would let her know to save your marriage, you need to go to MC. If she says no, then you need to consider your options.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CinMN said:


> I just sent the back story but you seem to be a bit harsh with your assessment and a bit rude.
> 
> Not sure what is confusing about that point.


If your ok with it, hey, I'm ok with it.
My point is you either are confident she was sexually abused or your guessing, as YOU shared in first post, you said you don't really know.
But choose, if you say she WAS, then say it. Not self diagnosed, suppressed, and unconfirmed. Your words bud.

I wish you well. Perhaps you might look at a bigger picture for reasons she has an aversion to you. Your words.

I hope all goes well for you both, really do. M can be hard. Some truths are hard but good to see, and communication is key with W.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CinMN said:


> Well first off, she was secretly filmed by her stepfather from ages 14-17 who was just released from prison a few years ago but she always says she feels like there was more. A lot of people suppress traumatic event and they can come out in therapy, its not uncommon at all. She doesn't use this as an excuse.


That's a different story, he should indeed rot in hell. I guess you've been told if the tapes were of her in states of undress or other totally inappropriate whacko scenario.

Was he in jail for filming these things or unrelated?

Should she file a perm RO on him for the record, or to help her piece of mind?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SCDad01 said:


> I'm going to step out on a ledge here and say your wife doesn't want to have sex and is just thinking of excuses. Yes, being secretly filmed by relative as a minor is terrible. But I don't see that being so traumautic that it affects her sex life as an adult. Maybe others will disagree. But she either isn't into sex or you and is using that as an excuse. MC is your best bet, but it sounds like she's not a fan of that. I would let her know to save your marriage, you need to go to MC. If she says no, then you need to consider your options.


We'll step out on that ledge together.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

CinMN said:


> Well first off, she was secretly filmed by her stepfather from ages 14-17 who was just released from prison a few years ago but she always says she feels like there was more. A lot of people suppress traumatic event and they can come out in therapy, its not uncommon at all. She doesn't use this as an excuse.


This may sound absurd, but hear me out. Is there any chance that your wife maybe in contact with her stepfather? It wouldn’t be the first time that a victim confronted their abuser after many years and…..well…..things get a little confusing.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

CinMN said:


> Well first off, she was secretly filmed by her stepfather from ages 14-17 who was just released from prison a few years ago but she always says she feels like there was more. A lot of people suppress traumatic event and they can come out in therapy, its not uncommon at all. She doesn't use this as an excuse.


I am an example of this good man. I finally had suppressed memories from early youth of severe physical abuse come out after over 50 years!


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

Tobyboy said:


> This may sound absurd, but hear me out. Is there any chance that your wife maybe in contact with her stepfather? It wouldn’t be the first time that a victim confronted their abuser after many years and…..well…..things get a little confusing.


No, I hear what you are saying but its not possible. And not just saying that


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> I am an example of this good man. I finally had suppressed memories from early youth of severe physical abuse come out after over 50 years!


Its not uncommon and therapy fortunately or unfortunately sometimes unlocks these memories and can make one relive it all over again. The mind is an amazing tool and will block things that are so traumatic that it can cause severe emotional issues to the point of suicide so it pushes them away and locks the door so you self preserve.


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## CinMN (3 mo ago)

Richard2323 said:


> *Maried for over 30 years and have ti atcept wife's terms for sex she keeps me cage till she ready also have tosex atcept a spanking from her .*


What?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Look up the term "Memory Wars". There is a wide debate over whether repressed memories are even a real thing. 

Many therapists believe in it and make lots of money trying to unlock repressed memories in hopes of helping people deal with past traumas that they supposedly have repressed. 

Actual researchers and psychological scientists are not so sure and often question whether memories are actually suppressed or simply forgotten over time and the very real threat that some of these supposed unlocked memories are not even actual events but rather things that were actually implanted during therapy process. 

And sometimes people actually do remember what happened, they just simply do not want to dredge it up and talk about it. 

But regardless of whether she does or whether she does not have actual supressed incidents of abuse or not, the fact remains that she is very sexually inhibited and dysfunctional now and you need to ask yourself how much improvement is even realistic and will that be enough. 

Let me explain. You've been married 15 years with 3 kids and your wife had admitted to "duty sex" from the start of your marriage and is now even stating an "aversion" to sex with you. She tried to force herself to let you put your penis in her vagina once a month, but has only been able to bring herself to make that actually happen every 2-3 months. 

So even if she does therapy, uncovers these supressed memories of abuse and gets proper treatment for past trauma,,,, how much do you think things are actually going to improve in real life? 

I'll be frank, if two porn stars have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids, their sex life is not going to be swinging from the chandeliers even though they may have been going to sex orgies and doing it on nude beaches in the Bahamas and filming each other getting down on the decks of yachts in the Mediterranean and are card carrying members of the mile high club. 

So someone that was doing duty sex from day one and is now claiming aversion to sex with you and is now entering therapy because she no longer things she can keep up the 2-3 month duty... how much improvement do you think is really possible here???

Let's say she doubles her sexual capacity. That puts you at 8-12 times a year and instead of her being defensive and withdrawing and trying to cover up and looking like she is about to burst into tears when performing this duty task, no she is intert and passive while she lays there and lets you pump away. 

That is doubling her capacity. Do you think therapy is going to make a 3-fold or a 4-fold increase?? 

I obviously don't have the answer to that. The shrinks and the therapists are not going to have the answers to that. So basically it's going to come down to what can you live with and accept and what can you not. 

If you are ok with living with a roommate that you get along with and maybe a handful or even a couple of handfuls of times a year she gets drunk enough that she doesn't reflexively shut her legs and pull away when you try to touch her, then you're probably going to get by. 

But if you want to have an actual intimate relationship with someone that desires you and embraces you and wants to be with you and can have uninhibited and actually intimate never mind passionate relationship with, that is probably never going to be with her. 

I am sorry 😞


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CinMN said:


> What?


He was a spammer. He's banned.


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