# It's so much better...?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Life has settled down since seperation. After some initial annoyances and depressed whining and b-tching and venting - it's... surprisingly SO MUCH BETTER then living together...

First, we get our space... I still get to talk with my daughter every night as well as my wife, and to be honest, I need it. We also have co-parenting arrangements and things are very smooth - we work with each other through it. This however, I know won't last long because my wife wants a marriage, not living apart. Also after a month of drought I finally had my sexual needs met so I'm content (I was worried about having to be celibate for a year or so), she's working through her issues independently along with me, which I can respect as so far as she's proving results... so far... I'm still waiting for something though.

This is a good arrangement despite not having a good family home for my daughter (yet she's happy my wife and I aren't fighting no more), and as this is what she wants, I'm willing to work towards that again. Majority rules I guess; Both women, both want a family, so I have to provide, gah! Where's my cat when I need him, need to balance out the gender ratio! heh

Anyways, there's just SO MUCH fresh air now I can finally breathe, look around, spin around, and actually find out where I am in life. This is a spiritual journey for me, yet I feel guilty for finding it so much better than being married with my wife. Should I feel guilty?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Na, enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully you two will get back together and things will be much better than before.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks, perhaps... we're on the road to it, I just hope we both remember and learn from this experience, and no matter what happens we should not just sweep it under the rug like the last time we reconciled - which just led nowhere except for more hurts and criticisms and hidden resentments from each other.

This year we have both broken our commitment to our daughter with all this, we have to make it worth it - either we give our daughter the family she deserves or we spare her the dramas and fights. It's going to have to run its course. We've both discussed our patterns and it's quite interesting that we've actually grown codependently, and adapted (for the worse). Now we have to adapt to new dynamics - and this is going to take time... It's frustrating to see that in many fights that we had, the solution was staring at us right in front of each other but we were too focused on getting our way and "winning" it was impossible to have an honest transparent discussion. Heh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A work in progress!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So far yeah, we had some hurdles with transparency in regards to the games though, it became like an exchange of secrets and admissions, cute really lol


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

thats weird because the way you describe space is how i use to feel when they went to her mums for 4 or 5 days. 
i think i subconsciously misread my feelings though to wanting a lot more of it because not only from that but we separated 10 or so wks now.
my daughters with her through the week.
but this is different , they don't come back in a few days and i miss my family now soooo much.

but you do sound like you need to figure out just how you feel and what you want . so now that it's happened i think you'd be doing yourself a big favor working through it all in yourself first by the sounds of it. sounds like you need to.
good luck anyway.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks mate, well I am working with her. But this space, you're right I do need to find out how I feel and what I want. My emotions are still in subconscious lockdown and my mind is confused at what I'm feeling as well still due to it. I'm finding more clarity slowly, but I need the distance I guess. I have so much peace now to be able to do so.

When I do start to get depressed though, I try to keep myself busy and surrounded by music, even when sleeping. I need it, silence/idleness... I go nuts. A part of me admittedly is liable to breaking down actually and giving in to my wife, she really pulled on my heartstrings since D-day, but I can't - I have to be strong for both of us and she's come to realise recently that she has to be strong as well and that I can't do this alone, that we have to come to compromises, agreements, and dynamics that work for BOTH of us.

Otherwise we'll have a repeat of 2 years ago with growing hidden resentments down the track because one of us tried to be "nice" during times like this. We're at the breaking point, but only now can we save this because unlike the last 4 years of marriage; we can actually see what we did wrong and both of us have realised it has to stop.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

gees random , you sound a lot like me , you don't wanna be like me.
l had such a space need , she thought i was gonna move into the loft i'm building , wasn't though that was just so that i could start painting again- but it did cross my mind in all honesty.
i don't know why , it wasn't her , it's just , well i like to do what i want when i want i guess - pretty head strong like that.
i confuse the fk outa myself to be honest.
i lovem but i love that to , i use to think part time would be ideal.
jesus fg christ was it you that said be careful what you wish for well, here i am , with my part time family. it's so bizarre.
i was sleeping in the lounge a lot before we split. that started because she started making noises and dreaming , kept me awake all fg night in the end . i just had to get some peaceful sleep.

but we both agreed that after 18yrs , it was nice to just cut each other some slack and space for awhile. and it'd been such a hard 4-5 yrs here , we were both stressed and fd up.
admittedly though , i did start to enjoy that space. i played music , watched dv's whenever i wanted , smoked in bed -the couch , make all the noise i wanted. i didn't understand why i should feel that way.
there was so much weird head [email protected] goin on with me , then friends started staying - girls to , we all partied all nighters, a lot. l feel so selfish and guilty about all that now.

but she was always tired , stressed , and had a new full on job and crowd. she was telling me the break was nice and i deserved some partying and she was happy to pass and crash as early as she could.

but with the stresses of our life going on plus this , she was privately slipping into deep depression and loneliness we still talked heaps but she hid it and kept saying she was cool.

i hear all this when she gave me the separation letter. yeah i was fg up , but she was telling me i deserved it and it was cool.

she hid it all , and she'd met a new friend she wanted to start spending some time with.
she said i was so youngish in my ways , that i was happier partying with other people and girls , having fun with them , rather than living like a typical married couple. that ik didn't need to be with people all the time or my family, her , like she did with me .

she said i'd move into the loft and party forever or maybe even move right out to live the way that suited me.
but hey , i had been to 5yrs of hell and back. i started a business though and i got the family a new home , i kept fighting until we got reestablished , some new income and a very nice home.

but in ways she was right but others she was wrong. i wasn't going anywhere , i was going back to the bedroom actually , i missed the hell out of her.
i also realized i'd been pretty careless with the parting , selfish , but we use to both do a lot of that and this was just like then only right now she was exhausted - so it wasn't all that bad.

i didn't touch anyone either , even drunk.
but i was confused , i did enjoy living like that again , and i do love the girls but hey i didn't touch - thats pretty good going if you saw what was on offer . i just enjoy female company . i enjoyed hers too , more than anyones.

but , this space , life , well i've got it now thats for sure. but it's so strange , a bit like yours.
their in town now , bought my daughter a phone , we talk atleast a few times a day - 100's of texts , i dunno.
this has been soooo painful , lows like never ever in my life . but we also talk everyday , we still get along as if we always have - 
{ check out my thread about how she is acting with me ] 
let me know what you think =- not getting any feedback.

but anyway it is weird , strange. in a way this does work very well when i'm on a good plain - the lows have been terrible though .
been 10 wks since she moved out , 3 1/2 mths since she told me.
i'm not sure if she'd like to get back , once she left that was that , i wasn't going there again. i'm not sure what she's thinking at all to be honest.
but in strange way , me being me , in ways this is ok . cept i'm lonely , and other times i miss them crazy. especially when she comes over but then goes later.
yesterday i was at her place all day because she was working so i dropped stuff into my daughter and ended up staying.
but she came home early. made me perc' coffees , a nice lunch, her new best friend dropped in and when she introed us , the friend said oh we're already best friends m , she talks about you so much i already know you. :scratchhead:
we all sat around - all day . it was just like being here at home only there at our other home. fg crazy really , l don't get it.
and how come she talks about me so much , she left us , broke us up.
in 18yrs she never ever talked about other bf's to me , never.

i dunno random , your the first one in here that sounds a bit like me and mine . i don't get myself . i do miss them , so much though - even more confusing.

even now i've got music roaring , i went back to crashing in the lounge , my daughter and i do to when shes here , and i'm typing this.
i went upto town earlier - bought some stuff , admired a few 100 girls , it was nice to come home - but it's empty.
i'd really like them to be coming home tonight .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

oh [email protected] , that's long . sorry random didn't mean to fill up your thread but hey it was a lot of work so i'll leave it . and - you may relate .


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