# It's not always men suffering in sexless marriages



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

So many posts about how men are the ones that are on the wrong end of a sexless marriage but there are also so many women suffering in this loveless/sexless void.

Not sure what I am trying to achieve here but after reading yet another post that came from the POV that it is men that suffer this way I just have to set something straight.

There are many, many, many women that are in sexless marriages not of their choosing. It is extremely demoralising and for women this issue goes very deep. It is not considered the norm for women to be the HD or to be rejected sexually by their spouses. 

I think this perception is a hang over from the days where women were considered to have much lower drives than men but we now know that women are as sexual and at times more so than men. So when a woman is rejected by her husband it cuts so deeply, there are no words to describe it.

If only I knew then what I know now, if only it had of been discussed with me that I am worthy of a great, fulfilling sex life then just maybe I would have moved on much sooner instead of putting up and shutting up. I thought I was the only woman in the world who's husband did not have sex with her.

I just want people to know that this is a universal issue, men and women suffer greatly because of it, self esteem is eroded and feelings of self hatred start to set in. 

This is not to take away from the pain a sexless marriage causes men, I am dating a man that went through this so yes I understand. 

Life is short, I am incredibly happy now and yes there is life after a sexless marriage


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Holland,

We know it affects women too. Do some more reading here, especially in the Sex in Marriage section and you'll see many women have been dealing with the same issue you are!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

There are many posts from women affected; I can't say that I'm sexless, but definitely low-sex. Much less frequency than what I was used to, but then, he never had frequent sex, so to him, this is normal...he's convinced himself of that.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Holland said:


> but there are also so many women suffering in this loveless/sexless void.


You said "loveless" as well, my guess is that might be part of why its sexless too.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> You said "loveless" as well, my guess is that might be part of why its sexless too.


No it became loveless due to the HD/LD incompatibility. It isn't an issue now as I ended the marriage a few years back and am now with a man that I am compatible with. I am still friends with the ex and would have been with him forever had the marriage not been sexless.

I know there are plenty of posts here from women, but there are also lots of posts written by men that come across as suggesting this is mainly a men's problem, it isn't. There are many women in this situation and it is important that they know they are not alone.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Holland,

I think that while the men are perhaps more vocal about the issue, we know that there are women here who go through the same feelings of low self-esteem and doubt that we do.

When some of us have compared notes, it's uncanny to the point that we almost finish the other's thought!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Holland said:


> It isn't an issue now as I ended the marriage a few years back and am now with a man that I am compatible with.


Good thing you ended it and found someone you're more compatible with. To many people stay in situations for to long in hopes things will change, and then look back over their lives and see it was pretty much wasted.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Personally, I stopped feeling unworthy and I don't (have never really had) low self esteem. The problem is my husband's. I've done all I can to do try to help him. At one point, you just have to give in and admit/realize that this is probably just the way it is...we do love each other, very much. He has issues that cause his LD...and it's up to him to address those issues.

Things would be much worse if there was no sex at all, though.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Good thing you ended it and found someone you're more compatible with. To many people stay in situations for to long in hopes things will change, and then look back over their lives and see it was pretty much wasted.


Yes it was a good thing and while I hung on too long I have no regrets as it brought me to where I am now.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

No, it's not always men, but I think women are less likely to complain about it because, as you said, the problem goes a lot deeper... 

I was in a sexless 6 year marriage, and it was very difficult for me to admit that my H (apparently) found me sexually unattractive, because I foolishly took it very personally. It was my belief that all men wanted / needed regular sex, and for a man to have no interest in a woman physically, she had to be pretty awful. 

I think women react to this sort of thing on a very deep and personal level, whereas men are, possibly, simply unhappy at the lack of sex?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
There is a place called the experience project. They have a forum on this called: I live in a sexless marriage

It has 20,000 plus members and a very big percent of them are women. 

One common difference is that when the woman is the "refuser", there is sometimes still a good amount of affection. When the man is the refuser, he often shuts down most/all attempts at physical contact. 

I also believe that for the "most common" relationship pairing where the man is HD and the woman is LD, the "norm" goes something like this. 

In the beginning, which is a 1-3 year timeframe, they both feel desire. Once that ends, he continues to feel almost as much desire and her baseline "desire" for him drops quite a bit. At that point one of two things begins to happen:
- They work together to learn how to work with her "responsive" desire. On her part this is a matter of relaxing and letting her body respond to him. On his part this is about pacing. Simple example: An aroused person typically likes a french kiss with open mouth. A non-aroused person often does not. For the man, he needs to learn how to warm his wife up before he does certain things that she only likes once she is turned on. 
- They don't work together. Either she refuses the very notion that she should do something she doesn't "feel like doing" and resents being pressured when she "doesn't feel like it", or he pays no attention to her body language, feedback and even comments about pacing and continues to use the exact same approach that worked so well when they were dating/she was feeling a high level of baseline desire. 

At some point they cross the rubicon, this is no longer about the occasional choice to "decline" an activity or even simply request that the activity happen the next day. In this new phase she is rejecting HIM. And that is a whole different world. 

BTW: A man posted here just the other day. He was asking for help because his W is ready to leave him over his continued rejection of her. His post is very illuminating in that it simply isn't very honest. He claims work/financial stress is the cause of their issue. Except he acknowledges that she was ALWAYS the initiator of sex for them. Maybe the stress is making it worse, but the truth is they always had some mismatch and he seems largely in denial in terms of taking responsibility. 






Holland said:


> So many posts about how men are the ones that are on the wrong end of a sexless marriage but there are also so many women suffering in this loveless/sexless void.
> 
> Not sure what I am trying to achieve here but after reading yet another post that came from the POV that it is men that suffer this way I just have to set something straight.
> 
> ...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Great post MEM. I've been a member of that "I live in a sexless marriage" for years now.

It's a great resource to at least come away knowing you're not alone. The problem is that the very rare instances you get a follow up story it is status quo or the HD spouse had to move on. There are no success stories turning things around. 

OP - I am so happy for you. It is rare to here stories of someone finding peace after going through this torture.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sinnister,
The only "jolts" that really fix a sexless marriage are:
- The last child leaves the house, the W decides that she doesn't want to be in a situation where the only other person in the house is very distant to her emotionally due to have been frozen out of the bed. 
- The husband de-stabilizes the marriage (and is truly accepting that it may END and his posture calmly conveys that without any flinch) and when the wife starts to engage with him sexually he insists on some honest/open communication regarding her turn ons/turn offs. And he does that because the adrenaline surge of destabilization doesn't last that long, and when it fades, if he is still lacking in the turn ons/and continuing the turn offs, then she will gradually cut them back to where they were. Can't blame someone for stopping an activity they dislike. There are many paths to destabilization. 

The quickest and easiest is to rapidly deprioritize your spouse and stop doing loving stuff for them while at the same time keeping that happy/upbeat friendly demeanor with them, the kids and everyone else in your life. But all of this is predicated on the up front acceptance that your spouse may just get more and more aggressive, until they start talking divorce. 





sinnister said:


> Great post MEM. I've been a member of that "I live in a sexless marriage" for years now.
> 
> It's a great resource to at least come away knowing you're not alone. The problem is that the very rare instances you get a follow up story it is status quo or the HD spouse had to move on. There are no success stories turning things around.
> 
> OP - I am so happy for you. It is rare to here stories of someone finding peace after going through this torture.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Great post MEM. I've been a member of that "I live in a sexless marriage" for years now.
> 
> It's a great resource to at least come away knowing you're not alone. The problem is that the very rare instances you get a follow up story it is status quo or the HD spouse had to move on. There are no success stories turning things around.
> 
> OP - I am so happy for you. It is rare to here stories of someone finding peace after going through this torture.


is it rare, that is sad. That is part of the reason for the thread, to let others know there is life afterwards. I first had to learn that it was not me, I am not some hideous monster in fact I am a very attractive and sexy woman. Then I started dating and was having a great time, the boost to my ego was well and truly needed.

Then the strangest thing happened, I met a man that I just connected with on all levels and particularly sexually. I am learning that a healthy sex life is the key to a solid relationship whereas before I had convinced myself that I could live without it. I am in my 40's and am just now waking up to what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

MEM11363
thank you for your great posts, I will look up the forum. While I am past the loveless relationship it is something that greatly interests me particularly as I honestly thought it was just me. 


Cosmos
The way you have described how you felt is word for word how I did.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I think another thing is also at play as to why you don’t hear more about women in sexless marriages...
Speaking in general terms: A man is expected to tear down the gates and ravage the village. So when he finds those gates barred and reinforced, it is ‘her fault’ she built those walls to thick.

I believe when a woman finds her man isn’t trying to tear down her gates... She looks and wonders why her village isn’t worth ransacking... again creating a ‘its her fault’ perception. Her powers to seduce don’t seem to entice. And well... she is a lot more self-conscious about herself thanks to society, so its oh so easy to spot her own flaws.

So, it is a lot easier to complain and vent onto a forum when its your spouses fault. Not quite so easy if you believe it might be your fault. So men just complain more about it to others. 

My story:
Ok, so I turned it around... I went from a nearly sexless marriage (she was the LD), to ‘normal’ and now back to a slump (I’m now the LD). What happened? I can only speak from my side of this story and my thoughts on it....



MEM11363 said:


> - They don't work together. Either she refuses the very notion that she should do something she doesn't "feel like doing" and resents being pressured when she "doesn't feel like it",


That is a quick summary of what happened when I wasn’t getting any. I whined and complained (turn-off) and put up the pressure (larger turn-off and resentment). Basically, I put it on a pedestal and did a lot of passive/aggressive when I was denied. That went on for about 7 years.

We ‘fixed it’ when we started working together on this, the marriage, and ourselves again. Unfortunately, the catalyst for that change was her multiple affairs (started long after the nearly sexless stuff). As I’ve worked on me, and generally my perspective... I’ve changed and don’t really see things through my rose colored glasses anymore. She is less attractive because she corrupted our sex life... But that wasn’t enough to drop my libido; not at first. I was still wired to have as much sex as possible (thinking about what I missed out on). Yet, it sort of changed for me: I used to use sex & physical contact as my “love language” and she sort of wrecked it so it is now also kind of a pain of betrayal along with sex. As the internal betrayal has set in (3 years past discovery), sex is... complicated emotionally for me. I stopped making passes as often and the draw are fading embers. She took note I think...

I think she got on the “isn’t my village good enough to plunder” mindset. And she started ‘probing’ along these lines. “Do you think I’m fat? Do you still have mind-movies of me and other men? Do you blah, blah, blah?” She hasn’t tried other ‘seduction’ methods like lingerie because it “makes me look fat”. So now, I get it. Remember how I whined and complained? She is doing the same sort of thing but in a different way. She is basically pointing out all of her flaws and keeping me focused there... In my mind I’m not thinking ‘how hot you are’, I’m thinking “Yes, your thighs are enormous now and those veracious veins are unsightly (and a billion other things she feels she needs my ‘opinion’ on; pointing out all these things on a daily basis).” Enter the turn-offs already damaged by her character and history compounding the problem. So, I’m just not in the mood or feel overwhelming attraction toward her anymore. She’s now getting a version of maintenance sex from me. 

And yes, I’ve started becoming a bit more vocal saying things like “You know that doesn’t turn me on right?” As well as a couple large discussions about how her infidelity screwed up how I view and experience sex with her now. I’ve got issues and am working on them; Sad though that something won’t let her help me on that one (shame, guilt, who knows?). We’ve practically swapped places; I get drunk and horny now because in that state, I can think less about it and just have fun.... I’ve also admitted to her that when she is drunk, I am horny thanks to her pavlov dog training (a decade of only being allowed any kind of intimacy was when she was drunk)... Yes... Messed up. 

My libido is still there, just as it always was. Just not for her if I get the opportunity to think about why I would want to plunder her village...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can't muster even the pretend interest in what the wife or for that matter most women think about this. Sorry but that's my bottom line. I spent too many decades listening to the agony of being a princess who got what she violently maniacally demanded every time.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Racer if you don't mind me asking but why do you stay?

I genuinely cared for my ex and still do, we have maintained a good relationship. We were together for 16 years and it is now 2.5 years post separation.
But I had to put an end to it, waking up every morning feeling like doom. Yes I cared about him, the love had been worn down but he is and always was a good man. Eventually I realised that I was worth more so made the break.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Holland said:


> Racer if you don't mind me asking but why do you stay?
> 
> I genuinely cared for my ex and still do, we have maintained a good relationship. We were together for 16 years and it is now 2.5 years post separation.
> But I had to put an end to it, waking up every morning feeling like doom. Yes I cared about him, the love had been worn down but he is and always was a good man. Eventually I realised that I was worth more so made the break.


Logical question.... I don’t really have a logical answer for. I stay because that’s what my gut has continued to tell me to do. I can’t rationalize it like I can for why I should go. I don’t feel ‘bad’ overall, just certain subjects. Overall I’m fairly happy with the direction.... That isn’t to say there aren’t some bumps and buried bodies laying around though.

There are issues that still need resolution both with the marriage and internally with myself. Can you tell? 

Is it going to work out? No idea.... work in progress. 
_ I’ve also been married to her 17 years, dated 20, known her for 30+._


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,
Has he remarried? Does he have a serious GF? 

I was on another board when a fascinating thread popped up. The author of the thread was a very successful woman in her late thirties. I will send you the link. 




Holland said:


> Racer if you don't mind me asking but why do you stay?
> 
> I genuinely cared for my ex and still do, we have maintained a good relationship. We were together for 16 years and it is now 2.5 years post separation.
> But I had to put an end to it, waking up every morning feeling like doom. Yes I cared about him, the love had been worn down but he is and always was a good man. Eventually I realised that I was worth more so made the break.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Holland,
> Has he remarried? Does he have a serious GF?
> 
> I was on another board when a fascinating thread popped up. The author of the thread was a very successful woman in her late thirties. I will send you the link.


MEM we have both re partnered and I am genuinely happy for him. I have let go of the pain of rejection from him for all those years and have since found my inner sexual spirit again after turning it off due. I am a HD woman and am now very connected with a HD man. The pain of feeling like a unattractive woman has gone but I still sometimes wonder why it was the way it was, and yes I know I played my part in it.

The thing that does bug me is that now when we see each other he looks at me like a man looks at a woman they find attractive. 

The wicked side of me would love to know if he is more sexually compatible with his new woman, I hope so as I want him to be happy.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Definitely a lot of women suffering in this too. And the men that are in this situation are typically suffering from it because their women are suffering in other ways that they're not taking care of. 

With that said I think a lot (not all) of the women suffering from it are in their predicament because their husbands stopped initiating out of shame and resentment after being rejected a gazillion times. Then the wife wakes up one day and feels sexual again and can't figure out why her husband stopped initiating.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Drover said:


> Definitely a lot of women suffering in this too. And the men that are in this situation are typically suffering from it because their women are suffering in other ways that they're not taking care of.
> 
> _With that said I think a lot (not all) of the women suffering from it are in their predicament because their husbands stopped initiating out of shame and resentment after being rejected a gazillion times. Then the wife wakes up one day and feels sexual again and can't figure out why her husband stopped initiating._


This wasn't the case with my ex-H and I. He didn't even initiate on our wedding night, and it never happened thereafter unless I took the lead...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> This wasn't the case with my ex-H and I. He didn't even initiate on our wedding night, and it never happened thereafter unless I took the lead...


Same here. 3 times in a five year marriage. I never knowingly turned him down. Although I apparently failed to understand that he was trying to initiate one time when he poked me in the ribs and tried to tickle me...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why does rejection for a woman from her husband hurt so much?

For me rejection is just another tease and I always find a way to work around it - it's fun too! My wife seems more sensitive to it however...

I just don't get it, then again the only time I reject her is when we are having it simply too much (She's HD, well ID - insane drive)


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Why does rejection for a woman from her husband hurt so much?
> 
> For me rejection is just another tease and I always find a way to work around it - it's fun too! My wife seems more sensitive to it however...
> 
> I just don't get it, then again the only time I reject her is when we are having it simply too much (She's HD, well ID - insane drive)


The problem is when rejection is ALL there is. Although, I reckon with your wife, it's a different situation altogether.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Sinnister,
> 
> 
> The quickest and easiest is to rapidly deprioritize your spouse and stop doing loving stuff for them while at the same time keeping that happy/upbeat friendly demeanor with them, the kids and everyone else in your life. But all of this is predicated on the up front acceptance that your spouse may just get more and more aggressive, until they start talking divorce.


My wife ( LD ) has been doing this for quite awhile. Is she waiting for me to file for divorce ? Is she lacking the courage to do it or does not want to look like "the bad guy". That way she can tell all her friends/family that I was the unhappy one and filed.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> Definitely a lot of women suffering in this too. And the men that are in this situation are typically suffering from it because their women are suffering in other ways that they're not taking care of.
> 
> With that said I think a lot (not all) of the women suffering from it are in their predicament because their husbands stopped initiating out of shame and resentment after being rejected a gazillion times. Then the wife wakes up one day and feels sexual again and can't figure out why her husband stopped initiating.


This was most definitely not the case for me. Statements like this really undermine the pain that is associated with women being the rejected party. We are bombarded with information that me are super sexual beings so when your man rejects you it cuts so deep down that it becomes a physical, emotional and mental problem.

Randomdude, with all due respect you are not the best placed person to reply especially as you did. We are talking about long term sexual rejection and the massive self esteem issues that go with it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Why does rejection for a woman from her husband hurt so much?
> 
> For me rejection is just another tease and I always find a way to work around it - it's fun too! My wife seems more sensitive to it however...
> 
> I just don't get it, then again the only time I reject her is when we are having it simply too much (She's HD, well ID - insane drive)


Because it attacks the very core of her femininity and makes her feel unattractive and unloved. We're not talking here about a raincheck scenario, we're talking about a sexless marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> This was most definitely not the case for me. Statements like this really undermine the pain that is associated with women being the rejected party. We are bombarded with information that me are super sexual beings so _when your man rejects you it cuts so deep down that it becomes a physical, emotional and mental problem_.
> 
> Randomdude, with all due respect you are not the best placed person to reply especially as you did. We are talking about long term sexual rejection and the massive self esteem issues that go with it.


It caused huge emotional problems for me. The worst part was that my ex used to try to convince me that we were having regular sex when we weren't! Eventually my therapist ambushed him and got him to admit that we hadn't had sex in 6 months, because his lies had convinced me that I was losing my mind! :rofl:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am not in a sexless marriage per se, but went through a time where he continuously rejected me so we only ever had sex when HE initiated.

This was after a period of years where our sex life was good, really good. Never any problems. Our drives matched and we both initated. I was confident sexually and would often initiate.

After going through this for around 6 months, my esteem had suffered majorly. He not only rejected my then infrequent initiations, but was hurtfull in giving reasons why. Making out like I was crazy to think that *that* was a good time to initiate when in reality it was often a natural follow on to making out or whatever.

When I approached him, his framing of it was completely different. He claims he never rejected me as many times as I thought, and was not aware that the things he said were hurtfull to me. He basically said I had imagined the whole thing and made it up in my head. Tried to get me to believe that I had not initiated all those times, even when I came up with examples of times I had initiated, and what he had responded with.

In the end I just stopped initiating completely and let him know what I was (not) doing and the reasons why. I was calm and collected and explained I was doing it to protect myself. There was no malice involved, and I told myself I would continue to accept his initiations.

That was around (I think?) three months ago or may be more. Since then we have only had sex at his say so. It has become apparent that his drive is lower than mine. I still think about sex as often but I do not really share that with him.

He has shown no desire to repair the situation, and when asked said he did not mind that his W did not feel comfortable enough to initiate, nor that he had any desire for his W to initiate either.

I completely empathize with the feelings mentioned that a W feels when she is rejected. Obviously it is different because we *do* have sex, but I often feel that I am more of an outlet when he has sexual desire rather than it being him showing his love.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> It caused huge emotional problems for me. The worst part was that my ex used to try to convince me that we were having regular sex when we weren't! Eventually my therapist ambushed him and got him to admit that we hadn't had sex in 6 months, because his lies had convinced me that I was losing my mind! :rofl:


I can relate to this. My ex would say that we had sex semi regularly but the reality was that the last few years the frequency was maybe once or twice a year. He also thought he regularly cleaned the bathroom when we talked once about chores, the reality there is that he had done it once in 5 years :scratchhead:
He is a very intelligent man but there sure is something missing in the memory department.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> I can relate to this. My ex would say that we had sex semi regularly but the reality was that the last few years the frequency was maybe once or twice a year. He also thought he regularly cleaned the bathroom when we talked once about chores, the reality there is that he had done it once in 5 years :scratchhead:
> He is a very intelligent man but there sure is something missing in the memory department.


Holland, for me it was the lying about it, more than anything, that eventually forced me to end things. Had he told me that he simply didn't desire sex, I could _possibly_ have dealt with that, but leading me to believe that I was losing my mind, rather than admitting that he was asexual was simply cruel.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Holland, for me it was the lying about it, more than anything, that eventually forced me to end things. Had he told me that he simply didn't desire sex, I could _possibly_ have dealt with that, but leading me to believe that I was losing my mind, rather than admitting that he was asexual was simply cruel.


Yes that is another thing, cruelty. I am sure mine did not intentionally inflict this cruelty on me, more that he was not capable of dealing with what was happening. I tried to get "us" to fix the problems but he continually told me he loved me. It kept me going until the day it dawned on me just how cruel it was, if he did love me then why wouldn't he take steps to fix our issues. Yes very cruel.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Holland said:


> *The wicked side of me would love to know if he is more sexually compatible with his new woman*, I hope so as I want him to be happy.


He is prob still LD. Maybe se is too (if they are to be compatible). I don't think people change much, to be honest with you.

Congrats on finding someone who's libido matches yours!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> He is prob still LD. Maybe se is too (if they are to be compatible). I don't think people change much, to be honest with you.
> 
> Congrats on finding someone who's libido matches yours!


Yes he probably will always be LD but I hope he lets her know that from the start.

And thanks of the congrats  Our libidos match but so does our ability to communicate and connect at a deeper level. In some ways it is all rolled into one. Without the communication there is no way to have a balanced, healthy relationship.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> No, it's not always men, but I think women are less likely to complain about it because, as you said, the problem goes a lot deeper...
> 
> I was in a sexless 6 year marriage, and it was very difficult for me to admit that my H (apparently) found me sexually unattractive, because I foolishly took it very personally. It was my belief that all men wanted / needed regular sex, and for a man to have no interest in a woman physically, she had to be pretty awful.
> 
> I* think women react to this sort of thing on a very deep and personal level, whereas men are, possibly, simply unhappy at the lack of sex*?


Not really.

Sure, I wanted sex, I admit it. But don't think that men also don't feel hurt deeply and personally. That sounds like a stereotype that men are emotionless beasts who only want to get off.

I loved my wife deeply and it hurt me to the core that she didn't show her love for me in that way. And her rejection of me sexually gives me doubt even now that she loved me at all even though everyone tells me she did.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hanging out with a friend today, talk of Romance surfaced....she said she IS....He isn't.... ..married about 4 yrs now.....then she offered more... opened up about her pain.... THIS issue... his interest - once a month, been a span of a couple months without at times.... I guess even when they met (less stress, workload lighter, before adding her children to their lives)... it was similar....

He is obviously LOW DRIVE - was never the touchy/feely type either......I was a bit surprised ~ he seems outgoing, not the nice guy type, very friendly...tatoos.... she says she is in her PRIME...she wants to enjoy this time.... it's killing her inside.... this is a christian woman, she loves her kids (new baby with this man, great Mother)..... I just didn't have any clue . 

A silent pain for many. I am concerned for my friend. She wants him to get his Test checked, she has books. She shared how it makes her FEEL inside - just as many others on this thread- the same story unfolding. She even threw out she's entertained the idea of finding another -just for the release, longing to be filled - but she knows she can't do that. 

I am usually one Quick to say.... "Leave him - find another! - ENJOY thy life , thy Prime" -- but this is my friend, her kids hang with mine... besides this -she loves & desires him & is happy with her new life, but doing herself is getting old...is so lonely, sex is connection/ intimacy at it's core, she spoke on these things she is longing for....

The answers are not so easy....not easy for my friend.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Not really.
> 
> Sure, I wanted sex, I admit it. But don't think that men also don't feel hurt deeply and personally. _That sounds like a stereotype that men are emotionless beasts who only want to get off._
> 
> I loved my wife deeply and it hurt me to the core that she didn't show her love for me in that way. And her rejection of me sexually gives me doubt even now that she loved me at all even though everyone tells me she did.


It wasn't meant to be - that's why I used the word "possibly" with a question mark at the end of the sentence.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> It wasn't meant to be - that's why I used the word "possibly" with a question mark at the end of the sentence.


I understand. And I have no problem with how you put the question.

I've seen before though that some can't believe that a man would feel emotions as deeply as a woman.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Malaise said:


> I understand. And I have no problem with how you put the question.
> 
> I've seen before though that some can't believe that a man would feel emotions as deeply as a woman.


Malaise I know it is also extremely hard for men in this situation. What I wanted to point out is that there are just so many women dealing with this but generally it is more hidden to the outside world. Women are supposed to be sexually desired by their husbands, there is a deep shame that women feel when they are rejected in this way.

It is a soul destroying life for anyone to exist in.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Holland said:


> Malaise I know it is also extremely hard for men in this situation. What I wanted to point out is that there are just so many women dealing with this but generally it is more hidden to the outside world. Women are supposed to be sexually desired by their husbands, there is a deep shame that women feel when they are rejected in this way.
> 
> It is a soul destroying life for anyone to exist in.


Couldn't agree more. That anyone should have to live like this is a sin, considering that in many cases it is treatable.
The problem that I had is that my wife did not see it as a problem, for her. The same that many men feel who don't desire their wives. It is unbelieveable to me, given my past circumstance, that a man could feel this way. It is such a nasty trick of fate that we are paired up in such ways.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Couldn't agree more. That anyone should have to live like this is a sin, considering that in many cases it is treatable.
> The problem that I had is that my wife did not see it as a problem, for her. The same that many men feel who don't desire their wives. It is unbelieveable to me, given my past circumstance, that a man could feel this way. It is such a nasty trick of fate that we are paired up in such ways.


Yes it is a terrible trick of fate and I just wonder why. With the help of some very generous (with their time and advice) members here I vow to move on from this in a healthy way. So while we will never know why at least it is possible to learn.

Personally I am using this as a life lesson and will never again be in this situation. In fact in my new relationship I can already see that things are different and that the future is looking good. I hope you can find that too.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> Yes it is a terrible trick of fate and I just wonder why. With the help of some very generous (with their time and advice) members here I vow to move on from this in a healthy way. So while we will never know why at least it is possible to learn.
> 
> Personally I am using this as a life lesson and will never again be in this situation. In fact in my new relationship I can already see that things are different and that the future is looking good. I hope you can find that too.


Holland, it took a lot of soul searching and much counseling before I gave up on my marriage. My ex didn't want a divorce, yet he was living with someone else within 3 months and remarried within 9 months... He's now onto wife number 3...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Holland, it took a lot of soul searching and much counseling before I gave up on my marriage. My ex didn't want a divorce, yet he was living with someone else within 3 months and remarried within 9 months... He's now onto wife number 3...


My ex would never have ended our marriage, he was content in the status quo, all his needs were being met, mine on the otherhand.....

I do feel for him though, clearly his parents rather strained marriage impacted on him. They stayed unhappily married till death, the thought of ended up the same used to freak me. Life is too short and I wasted too much of it.

Cosmos I cannot recall if you have said but have you moved onto a new relationship?

I would love to hear from others that have gone onto relationships after this and how they are going.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Malaise said:


> I understand. And I have no problem with how you put the question.
> 
> I've seen before though that some can't believe that a man would feel emotions as deeply as a woman.


Continually withholding sex from a spouse is abusive, IMO, and I'm sure it can cause immense emotional pain and damage to men as much as it can women.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Holland, apart from a few flings (to prove that I was 'normal,' more than anything), it took me many, many years to trust another serious relationship again. I concentrated on rearing my son (whose conception was a miracle in the scheme of things!), but in middle-age have had the good fortune to meet my present partner, and I love him to bits. We've been together for over 2 years


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