# Im turning into my father



## wvmntr (Nov 23, 2010)

Ive struggled in areas of my marriage over the last several years in areas such as attentiveness, affection, etc. I havent been able to figure it out :scratchhead: So, just this weekend it finally hit me....

IM TURNING INTO MY FATHER 

My father is a good man but definitely has some traits that I dont want...short tempered, not attentive, etc. He and my mother have a good marriage of of 40ish years. However, some of these traits that are coming out in me are not jiving with my wife. 

Has anyone experienced the same thing and how were you able to curb it?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Get yourself into some therapy, I know its helping with me, heck stuff getting worked out, issues I had suppressed for so long, I thought i'd forgot about them, till I was shown how I was using it against my wife and not even know it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Where do you think we learn to be spouses and parents? We learn from our's. You're not doomed to repeat the mistakes of your father but you are naturally wired to. My father was very abusive. Like you, I realized there were some aspects of his example I didn't want to emulate. I didn't have to go to therapy but I did have to make a daily, conscious effort to behave contrary to the way I was taught. It didn't take long before my chosen behaviors became habits. For example, my brothers and I literally ran and hid in our rooms when dad came home from work. We avoided the man like the plague. He didn't represent love, hugs, fun, play. He was to be feared and that's the way his dad raised him. I had rules and I disciplined my kids but they got hugs and affirmation from me every day and we played and had fun. My kids ran and greeted me at the door when I came home every day. I grew up hearing all kinds of racist garbage from my dad. I made a rule that those words and ideas weren't voiced in my home. We get the parents we get and none of us had perfect ones. Emulate their good behaviors and deliberately avoid emulating their bad ones. I love my dad but he was imperfect just as I am. I tried to set a good example for my kids but I hope they offer an even better one to their's. You don't have to become anything you don't wish to be. Your mouth speaks only the words you permit. Your hands do only what you permit. If you have a natural tendency to be short tempered and inattentive, make a deliberate choice to look for things to praise about your wife. My dad literally snapped his fingers and my mom brought him his tray of food. He'd snap again when he was finished and she'd remove it. No "thanks", no compliments, no smile and I saw how dehumanizing being a wife was for her. Even in the Army chow line, I thanked the cooks, smiled and complimented their cooking. If you don't want to be unpleasant? Be pleasant. Don't want to be inattentive? Be attentive. You are master of your own ship. I think you've conquered the hardest part...recognizing that you do have these undesirable tendencies.


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## iamsofaking (Sep 4, 2012)

It isn't always that easy. Being distant is a hard habit to break, especially when someone else really gets to define your success. 
Being snappish, in my experience, is often a manifestation of a lingering offense, need, or resentment that you haven't found a better way to work with. The therapy advice is sound.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

That you recognize it is a good thing. Get yourself to a good therapist, and perhaps bring your wife into the conversation at some point.

And I mean it when I say recognizing it is a good thing. My STBXH refuses to acknowledge or recognize that he's turning into his father (an alcoholic, abusive/neglectful, misogynistic racist), and that's what ended our marriage. If you don't acknowledge the problem, you can't fix it. Self-awareness is one of the biggest hurdles in these situations.

Good luck!!!


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