# It's his fault that she cheated...



## Tubes (Jan 9, 2012)

This was in my local paper. 

Am I just being too sensitive or is the answer blaming him for his wife's affair?
What do you think?

Q. My wife of 15 years had a one-night stand with someone she met in a chat room. There was no relationship. This hurt me so much I wanted to die. I’m ashamed to admit that I begged her to stay.
Though angry and hurt, the thought of not having her in my life seemed worse. I told her to immediately delete his information and de-friend. She did. She’s not gone back into the chat room.
It’s been four months and things are a lot better. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to break up, but I don’t know if she’s in love with me or will ever be again. I also have mixed feelings about her and wonder if I can trust her again.
I’ve tried to avoid spying on her emails — very difficult. I also avoid mentioning it. I’m concerned that she’s hidden her Facebook “friends” list from me. I believe she actively texts and MSNs with people. She said she doesn’t “sext” with anyone, but I know she has previously.
I want to trust her and be in love with her again. Can we get back to that place or are we lost forever?


A. You’re not lost; you’re finding each other through a fog of hurt and awkwardness. To trust her, you have to understand better how and why it happened. A one-night stand is rarely about love; it’s about wanting to feel free, experience risk or satisfy restlessness. It’s the reason for this need that matters, more than the fact itself.
Time to start talking together, about what she thinks she was seeking and how you two can bring that missing piece into your marriage. Romance? Adventure? Passion?
......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

OK, so whats your question?


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## Tubes (Jan 9, 2012)

Getting off night shift, not sure why it bothered me so much (or why I posted it.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tubes (Jan 9, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> OK, so whats your question?


Am I just being too sensitive or is the answer blaming him for his wife's affair?
What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Tubes said:


> Getting off night shift, not sure why it bothered me so much (or why I posted it.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like maybe it triggers some feelings in you. Anything going on in your life that you can relate to in that paper?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes, the answer is new age feel good bull**** that blames the BS for his wifes affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Kind of sounds like you're both trying to rugsweep. Which is a recipe for disaster more often than not.

And no don't blame HIM for what SHE did. She's an adult who made her own choice. He has no obligation to you whatsoever. Your WIFE was the one who betrayed YOU period.

I'm also wondering if this is the only time she's done this or the only time you caught her.

Blah just realized this was pasted from a paper. That guy should come to TAM.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't see any blame in the response.  

The answer shows the wife was seeking something. (Aren't all people in affairs seeking something? Affirmation of attractiveness, attention, the thrill, whatever.)

And pointing out that, in order to avoid another affair, the issue that drove her to the ONS (issue, not HIM - the "issue" can be lying within herself) has to be resolved.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yep, she's blaming the guy. It's not sensitive and politically correct to actually place blame where it belongs or to hold people accountable for their actions. Of course, the whiney douche that wrote that letter wants someone to whip him. "I avoid spying on her emails. I try not to talk about it."...Gee, I hope I can make her like me a little someday....Gag. That woman would be out of my house so fast she'd think a rocket was attached to her butt. "I have mixed feelings". Yeah, well, I have a flamethrower and a nasty disposition.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I can't find anything in that post that remotely blames anyone. The question seems to be a relatively mature question: there was cheating, there's nasty fallout, do we have a chance? The answer addresses that issue.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can't help but think the responding is a cheater herself and she's feeding back the same crap she uses to justify her own cheating.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The answer is a bit over the top with Chamomile tea and Windham Hill music, all warm and fuzzy and such. I think it is poorly worded but understand the intent. 

I'll address it as I feel it was one of the best lessons I learned in our journey. After D-day I went down the path of self loathing, guilt and pity. I put the full weight of her EA on my shoulders and after a short time I emotionally collapsed under it. No spouse should feel they are responsible for their love's betrayal. We are intellectual beings, we think, reason and **** up on occasion. So do our spouses and and they are responsible for themselves. I went into a period of self reflection and looked at what had happened to a once very happy marriage over the prior 6 or 7 years. We both had a hand in screwing it up but accepted the fact that I had not been a very good husband to my wife during that period. I did not push my wife into the affair but I certainly had a hand in her unhappiness and fostered an environment that made her vulnerable to it. Quite frankly I didn't give a **** about her feelings and disconnected instead of putting serious effort into improving the marriage. She gave up and went down her own path to find someone to listen to her. We've seen it here hundreds of times. The path to an EA. An acquaintance, a friend, a soul-mate and sometimes a lover. She was emotionally gone. 

I read Love Must Be Tough and used it as a platform for self improvement. If I built the environment that drove her away, I could build one that brought her back. Remove the issues that were previously killing the marriage. My anger issues, my passive aggressive tools of control and the alcohol fueled arguments. And also improve the positives, my confidence and patience. 

I didn't attempt to change who I was, I just returned to be more of the man she fell in love with in the first place. I've always equated it to fixing the foundation before you rebuild the house. Certain things had to happen to recover and make sure the marriage stayed healthy afterwards. And I think that is what the posted "Answer" was trying to get at. What it didn't address is that at the same time the WS needs to take responsibility for their actions and that the BS needs to do the other tough things to kill the affair. I used LMBT but the concepts are similar to the 180. Working on yourself does not mean you roll over and expose your soft underbelly to abuse. I does not mean you become a doormat, a nice guy or a beta whatever term people like to use here. I tried that and it went over like a lead balloon. I realized I had to "Man-Up" but not just to my wife's actions but to myself. Combine those two and you have a good shot at recovery IMHO. It's not about taking the blame for the affair its about doing what you have to, to fix the marriage on multiple fronts. In this process I recovered my wife, my marriage and my family. And just as important as becoming a better husband, I became a better father in the process.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

The whole "His Needs, Her Needs" and marriagebuilders concepts by the Harleys does the same thing

R. J. described the essential conditions for an affair quite well. First, there is usually a dissatisfaction with marriage that stems from *the failure to meet an important emotional need. *For R.J., her need is conversation, which is usually missing in marriage when women have affairs. She has a deep and pervasive need to talk to her husband, a need that all the gifts in the world cannot meet.

R.J.'s husband has demonstrated his care for her in many different ways. *But he doesn't care for her in the way that would deposit the most love units. Because he has not met her need for conversation, she is vulnerable to an affair.* Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)​
As a BS myself, I think the above is simplistic and formulaic. My H travels a lot and spends a lot of time away from home by his own career choices, so he chose a lifestyle of chronic "unmet need" when it comes to anything which requires me presence in the room.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Then there's the fact that some people cheat "because they can" and it has nothing to do with the BS.

It's just the way they are.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tacoma said:


> Then there's the fact that some people cheat "because they can" and it has nothing to do with the BS.
> 
> It's just the way they are.


I don't disagree that there are those also but I'd bet they are not a majority of WSs.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> I don't disagree that there are those also but I'd bet they are not a majority of WSs.


True but for a columnist to start spouting the opinion above without having any info whatsoever about the situation is out of line.

It's out of line regardless for it's bend towards blaming the BS but the cluelessness makes it worse.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

While I'm on the job, the next thief, DUI, rapist, or murderer I get, I believe I'll ask them if they can help me understand why they thought they needed to (insert despicable conduct). Were they trying to be free? Did they need to feel reckless? What could I possibly do to help them satisfy that need in a more constructive way? We'll eat bon bons, soak in the tub with rose petals, and embrace while tears run down our faces.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Ok, I'm at loss here: the article starts with the husband finding out she was cheating and continues with the hard time he has coping with it. Where does it show anything he did wrong that pushed her to cheating ??
I don't understand this thread.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

It's my opinion that most people are not emotionally honest in these situations. They have kneejerk reactions to situations and don't think in the longterm. If you've ever had a spouse who has had an EA (that's me) or a PA (lot's of other people here) or both the real work can only begin if you are real and honest with yourself. Some people are quite aware that they will never be able to trust the wayward spouse again, but go into denial and try to fix the other person. If you really can't do the work necessary to forgive someone then don't try! It will just cause even more heartache and built up MORE resentment. Remember you were the wronged spouse. Nobody would think ill of you for making as clean and amicable break as possible. You don't *owe *forgiveness to the spouse that wronged you. But if you stay you will *need *to forgive. There is just no getting around it. 

As soon as we are wronged we throw up in our head a table of wrongs vs rights. We weigh all our actions against theirs and invariably come up the better person. But that's because we look at it through the lens of *their *transgressions. At the time that we were commiting words or deeds to our spouse we weren't doing it out of obligation. We were doing it because we wanted to. We wanted to work late. We wanted to spend money we didn't have.

The person commiting and EA, PA, or is otherwise distancing his or herself from the marriage needs to own up to their own bull too. But not for the sake of the partner. But because they need to make realizations of themselves. If they were unhappy with their marriage they should have either addressed it or left before things could escalate. 

Hurt and pain drive us to do things we wouldn't normally do. Revenge, powerplays, angry sometimes abusive words, affairs and we think the other person deserves it. But it doesn't matter what the other person deserves. It matters what those feelings turn us into.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hortensia said:


> Ok, I'm at loss here: the article starts with the husband finding out she was cheating and continues with the hard time he has coping with it. Where does it show anything he did wrong that pushed her to cheating ??
> I don't understand this thread.


"Time to start talking together, about what she thinks she was seeking and how you two can bring that missing piece into your marriage. Romance? Adventure? Passion?" 

Pretty clear to me...the evil bat obviously committed adultery because she wasn't finding romance, passion, and adventure with her husband. He just needs to be more passionate and romantic so the evil bat doesn't stray again.


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