# Husband keeps contacting old girlfriends and then lies about it



## aquamarine (Apr 13, 2011)

Hello to all ~ I just found this forum last night, and I'm very glad I did. I could really use some input on my current dilemma with my husband. We've been married for about five years - second marriage for each of us, and I have two children from my first marriage. We dated for three years before we were married, part of which time we lived about three hours apart due to our respective jobs. On the positive side, we have a great deal in common and he's been very good to my kids...I have really felt that he's the love of my life. 

On the negative side, he has betrayed my trust in him more than once. I don't believe he's been physically unfaithful, although I'm not even completely sure of that. But he has definitely carried on some "emotional affairs" and only come clean when I've caught him. Case in point: a few years ago, he had dinner with a co-worker that he's known for 20 years; they lived together for a time, and while he claims they were never involved, he did say that she "had a thing" for him back then. She is also now married with kids. Anyway, this dinner was on a night when I was out of town, literally at cruising altitude on an airplane. I found out because I saw the restaurant receipt. He claimed it was a business dinner, but the restaurant is close to our home, an hour from his office. It also isn't your typical "business meal" restaurant since the atmosphere is definitely romantic. I told him I felt it was very inappropriate and unacceptable and that if he didn't realize that himself, he would have told me about it. He agreed not to do it again, and that was that.

Several months later, I took a short trip with my children, and while I was gone, he apparently searched the local personals and call girls in our area and was looking up old girlfriends. I discovered this when I was using his computer (with his knowledge)...when I confronted him about it, he said he was just looking, blah, blah, blah. We had a long talk about our marriage then, and while I haven't been watching him like a hawk, I've been paying close attention and asked him about anything that seemed questionable. But everything has been very good and on the level between us since then, or so I thought, until yesterday.

That's when he left his Blackberry at home by mistake. I hadn't tried to check his e-mail before, but something told me to check it then. So I did, and here is what I found:

E-mails to an old girlfriend (who is divorced) who lives in the same area as his parents (about 300 miles from us) in which he said he missed her and thought about her "every day." They also talked about meeting in a certain place "soon" and he promised he would be there longer next time. He travels there about every other month for business. 

I also found e-mails between him and another old girlfriend (who is newly married) who now works for his company. She lives in his home state but travels to the corp. office frequently. I found out by accident that she came to work there; he did not tell me. His relationship with her was apparently pretty intense, and he was very hurt when she dumped him. This was years before we met, however. He insisted he had nothing to do with her hiring, and they do not work in the same division, but I suspect he most definitely did have something to do with her ending up there. Anyway, they were e-mail chatting about stupid things that had nothing to do with work, and she told him about a dream she had - that he had *killed me* and his company had given him an award for it.  He seemed to think that was funny. I think it's sick and weird, and I can't fathom why she'd even tell him something like that. 

They were also planning to have dinner together tonight. I should note that he rarely gets home for dinner with me due to his long work hours and commute. Also, he was asking her about her travel schedule, trying to coordinate trips to different sites together.

At any rate, I immediately called him and he knew something was wrong right away. I told him what I had found and that I would never have read his e-mail if we hadn't already had trust issues. I also told him he was welcome to log into my e-mail account any time since I had nothing to hide. At first he tried the "I haven't been happy" routine, which I think is a b.s. excuse and told him. I thought we had pretty good communication; at least he's known he can talk to me about whatever is on his mind. Interestingly, he seemed a little distant last week, and I asked him if everything was okay - he said it was, he was just stressed about work and that everything was just fine with us, etc. So now he says he hasn't been happy. :scratchhead:

We had a long conversation, first about why he wasn't happy, which apparently was just an excuse since he really wasn't able to elaborate...instead, he said he didn't know why he did what he did, that these women mean nothing to him and that he loves me and wants to stay married, yada, yada, yada. 

I told him how I felt about the old girlfriends (again), and he said he understands and won't do it again. But I've heard that before. He said he would not have met his ex-gf, but I doubt that and told him I thought he most certainly would have if he felt he could get away with it. He said no, he just likes to "flirt." 

Needless to say, he said he canceled his dinner plans and would not travel with this woman since there was no reason to do so.

Having had some time to mull it all over, I'm at a loss. I uprooted my kids' lives and left a house and a job I loved to marry him, and I feel so disrespected and unappreciated. I don't want to start over, and I do love him...in many ways, he's a wonderful husband/partner/stepdad. But trust is essential, and so is respect. I'd rather start over than live with insecurity and distrust. I'm going to be out of town for over a week in a few months, and of course I'm wondering now what he'll do with such an opportunity.  But I can't watch over him 24/7 and have no desire to do that anyway...I need to be able to trust him. I need to know that he cares about and respects the way I feel. I have never done anything like this to him and never would...ditto for my first husband (we had other issues, but lack of trust wasn't one of them). 

Anyway, I feel alternately sad and angry...then I wonder if I'm overreacting and then I start thinking that I need to take this as the warning it seems to be, and around it goes again. I hate this. 

Thanks to whoever reads this and replies.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

You aren't overreacting girl, you found multiple ea's possible turned pa's. I can't tell you if you should stay or go, before you make any decisions don't make a hasty one out of emotion. Is he open to IC and/or MC? I do highly suggest making an apt for yourself first and foremost to work through this horrible thing you are going through. Trust me it helps immensely.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sounds like a third strike to me.
i wouldnt put up with something like that, certainly not that many times ever again.

he definitely shoudnt be married.
and why should you suffer for that?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Just curious...why did his first marriage end? 

Sounds like he has some issues with being faithful and/or some nostalgia issue. I'm finding that my H might have the same problem. And it's not acceptable. 

Have you tried marriage counseling before this spirals out of control?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Have you gone to counseling? because at the very least you should do that, even if it's to help end the relationship peacefully.

His disrespect for you is so great that he just continues to do this. He does not value you or your marriage. You deserve someone faithful.


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## aquamarine (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks, everyone, for your input. My husband has agreed to go to counseling, so we'll go and see what happens. I know he really doesn't feel he did anything wrong since "nothing happened or was going to happen," according to him. Yeah, right. Of course he said he'll stop all contact with both women, but talk is cheap...I've heard it before, and it meant nothing. He's contrite and seems nervous now, and he said he doesn't want the marriage to end and will do what it takes to work things out. I'm willing to give it a try, but I'm wary and don't trust him. My feelings are running from hurt to anger, disgust, disillusionment and so on. 

@LonelyNLost, he told me his first marriage ended because they "grew apart." He then became involved with the woman I mentioned who now works at the same company, and while he has said it was after he and his wife split up, I have my doubts about that. Ironically, he always referred to her as a b*tch. He has never spoken well about the other woman either. When I asked him why, then, he felt the need to reach out to them, he said he didn't know. I actually believe that...I don't think he does know. Maybe he likes the thrill of doing something he's not supposed to be doing...who knows. You are right, though...it is not acceptable.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If he can't even understand how wrong what he did was, or take responsibility for the damage to your relationship then I really don't hold out hope. You can't forgive someone and move forward with them even being sorry and accountable.

Have you asked him if he's fine with you going out with other men to romantic dinners and sharing intimate emails , messages and time together?


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## aquamarine (Apr 13, 2011)

Hi Syrum ~ You're right, it's a huge problem if he can't understand that what he did was wrong. I told him that this morning, in fact; his response was that he understands that it was wrong because it upset me, but he's still insisting that "it meant nothing." Not exactly the accountability I'm looking for.

I did ask him how he would feel if I e-mailed an ex to say that I missed him and thought about him everyday or made plans to meet behind his back. That seemed to get through to him a little better...he said he definitely wouldn't like it and that he saw my point.

But I just don't see how I can trust him again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Aqua.

It sounds like you've got a serial cheater on your hands: women from work, ex-girlfriends, call girls, the lot.

Get tested for STDs, STAT.



aquamarine said:


> I know he really doesn't feel he did anything wrong since "nothing happened or was going to happen," according to him.


MASSIVE problem.


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## aquamarine (Apr 13, 2011)

Hi Jellybeans ~ I know his unwillingness to acknowledge that he did anything wrong is a huge problem. Saying he's sorry and will never do it again means to me that he's sorry I found out and will be more careful that I don't next time.  That's what I told him, but of course he denied it. 

I probably sound naive, but I don't think he's had a PA (yet). He's pretty accountable with his time, so unless he's running out of the office for some afternoon delight, I don't think it's gone beyond EAs and checking online personals. 

At this point, though, nothing would surprise me.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

The behavior is unacceptable, period. He should not be talking to old girlfriends and you should never put up with that.

I have seen this type of thing before. Why is it that some people think they can stay "friends" with their ex-lovers/boyfriends/spouses??? In my opinion, you can never be just friends with someone you have been intimate with. It doesn't work and merely serves to handcuff you and hurts your chances of having a successful relationship in the future. 

I would put a stop to it. Have a very serious discussion about what is acceptable to you and make it clear, you won't tolerate this sort of behavior. He needs an ultimatum...there needs to be dire consequences for him betraying you again...you need to let him know you respect yourself too much to let him treat you this way. 

There is no other way. 

I do wish you well. You certainly are not alone in this situation.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

aquamarine said:


> Hi Jellybeans ~ I know his unwillingness to acknowledge that he did anything wrong is a huge problem. Saying he's sorry and will never do it again means to me that he's sorry I found out and will be more careful that I don't next time.  That's what I told him, but of course he denied it.
> 
> I probably sound naive, but I don't think he's had a PA (yet). He's pretty accountable with his time, so unless he's running out of the office for some afternoon delight, I don't think it's gone beyond EAs and checking online personals.
> 
> At this point, though, nothing would surprise me.


Before I was married, I could do wonders in 15 minutes of free time at work. In fact, most of my cheating was done with people at work. Be careful.


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## MiserablenTX (Dec 26, 2013)

*Good evening, I'm new to the forum, but need some advice.*

I have been married a year last month. Anyhow, our main issue or mine rather is his ex (lives in VA) text him frequently. His response to my concern is that he stays in contact with her because of the boys (they are 16 & 18) that he helped raise for 9 years. I am not comfortable with they're contact as most of their communication has nothing to do with the boys. Did I mention the boys are not his? They don't even stay in touch with him. At the very least the older son will texted him thank him for the bday or Christmas money we send, but any other time, we hear nothing. Another woman (lives in VA) as well, has recently texted him after 10pm central time just to say hi. Then two days later she texted him at 5am to tell him she had a dream about him....really!!!!that morning I asked who that was that texted him and he hesitantly told me it was her and what the text was about. I asked if he saw that wrong and of course he didn't. Didn't surprise me at all. I asked him how he would feel if some guy I dated would text me late and first thing in morning. He got soooo upset. Left to work angry. Anyhow, fed up, as we had been dealing with this issue, I called her and left her a voicemail message. Basically telling her how she would feel if I was texting her "significant" other and I prayed she wasn't using her boys to stay in my husbands life. He trained her son in basketball. Well today I looked at his phone and his ex texted him at 559am hoping we had a great Christmas. I also saw that he texted the same woman I called Merry Christmas . Now, I don't mind occasional contact...holidays/bays, but frequent text bother me. I went online and blocked both their numbers as they are the ones that initiate the texts with my spouse. Do you think I was wrong for going behind his back and doing that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're whistling up the wrong tree... You need to deal with the problem, which is your husband. You can keep stomping out the little fires that keep popping up around him, but you can't catch them all. Sooner or later one will flare into a forest fire. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Also, check out the book "Not Just Friends", and see if he'll read it too...

C


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

No you are not wrong.
But blocking the numbers seem like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound. You need to read the book "Not just friends" and share with your husband.
Your husband has boundaries issues, even if he does not believe he is doing something wrong, he needs to acknowledge that his behavior hurts you and your marriage.


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## MiserablenTX (Dec 26, 2013)

PBear said:


> Also, check out the book "Not Just Friends", and see if he'll read it too...
> 
> C


Thank you for the information. This has been a serious issue in our marriage and has stripped loved from both of us. I wish he could see what he is doing and how it affects our marriage. Anyhow, I am in individual counseling and learning how to set boundaries. I know I'm in a bad relationship, I'm just afraid to take that first step.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

MiserablenTX said:


> Thank you for the information. This has been a serious issue in our marriage and has stripped loved from both of us. I wish he could see what he is doing and how it affects our marriage. Anyhow, I am in individual counseling and learning how to set boundaries. I know I'm in a bad relationship, I'm just afraid to take that first step.


The first step is the hardest so close your eyes and leap. When you find the courage within yourself to do the things that fear would not let you do normally, it is an amazing and freeing moment. Find your courage. It is in you and has been all the time. Merry Christmas and God bless.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

MiserablenTX said:


> Thank you for the information. This has been a serious issue in our marriage and has stripped loved from both of us. I wish he could see what he is doing and how it affects our marriage. Anyhow, I am in individual counseling and learning how to set boundaries. I know I'm in a bad relationship, I'm just afraid to take that first step.


I was a little bit confused at first because this was an old thread started by somebody else - maybe you didn't know how to start your own thread? The theme was the same, though...

I feel bad for you because my husband's affair started with a late night text to an acquaintance he had been helping with a problem - he was in a "knight in shining armor" situation, and the late night text sent a "signal" and it turned into an emotional affair, then a physical affair. So you are right to be concerned. And NOT Just Friends IS the book you and your husband should be reading because it explains the slippery slope so well.

But I am concerned about the whole "boundaries" thing - for BOTH of you. For one, blocking people behind his back, under the circumstances, is understandable but it's also a red flag because it's a sign that he's doing things that you think he's hiding from you so YOU felt you had to do something that you hid from him. This is setting up a BAD pattern for your marriage. Unilateral decisions - things done without consulting your spouse - are a bad sign. (An affair is just the the worst example.)

Another boundaries issue is INDIVIDUAL counseling where the topic is your marriage. It's one thing to go to individual counseling for anxiety or depression or obsessions, etc. If the problem is a marriage, MARRIAGE counseling is better. Individual counseling where the main topic is your marriage is very likely to HARM your marriage. You are doing a lot of talking about HIM behind his back, and it may not be helping your opinion of him OR of your marriage.

I found this quote on the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapy website:

_Individual therapy may undermine more marriages than even poor couples therapy. Because relationship problems are the main problem people bring to individual therapists, individual therapists are treating marriages whether or not they realize it. Unless the therapist has values that support marriage and is careful not to turn the non-present partner into a villain, individual therapy can undermine a marriage. Every experienced marriage therapist has heard these stories: a spouse goes into individual therapy, receives support for a one-sided view of the marriage problems, and becomes increasingly pessimistic about the marriage. The therapist then questions why the person stays in an obviously bad marriage. The other spouse is clueless that the marriage is unraveling in therapy, and is not informed until it is too late. These therapists do not intend harm, but often their orientation is to the personal happiness of their individual client who is distressed in a marriage, without enough regard for the welfare of the other spouse….

_


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