# Spouse Arguing Unfairly



## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

*Background info:*

Married almost 1 year, but together for ~7.5 years
Fell in love as teenagers, went to college together beore getting married
We are starting to try getting pregnant

I have a big health problem, which developed a few years ago. I have chronic migraines (all of the time) and have tried every medicine under the sun to fix it. For the last 2 years, I have been looking at more extreme things to do about it. Currently, I'm getting Botox injections for it.

Anyway, the only thing that has regularly helped my migraines is caffeine and tobacco (smoking). My wife and I have talked about this and agreed together that I'm not going to quit until I have found another medicine that can take the edge off of them like smoking can.

*The problem:*

For a long time now, we have had problems arguing. The problem isn't so much with the frequency of arguing, but how the argument is actually done.

Before I get into specifics, I want to say that I know I'm not perfect while arguing. I am guilty of some of the things I'm going to list below also; however, I feel that I do these things much less frequently than she does.

*1) *Many arguments I will let her win or compromise with her in some way that makes her happy. The biggest problems with arguing we have is when I feel very strongly about something. For some reason, she just will not compromise with me. As soon as I show her I'm very serious about what I want, it is like a flag goes off in her head to not budge at all on what she wants.

*2)* When I am trying to explain my point, she interrupts me. This wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't so frequent. She constantly interrupts me and brings up some other point that (I feel) is loosely related to what we are originally talking about. Most of the time, I am on the defensive and trying to explain myself, so when she keeps doing this I rarely get around to complete my defense.

As our arguments progress and she does this frequently, it gets downright frustrating. I try my best to be mature and compromise, but after this keeps happening it gets to the point that I stop talking so I don't end up saying or doing something that would be dramatic.

*3)* It seems like almost any serious argument we have turns into a free-for-all about any other problems she is having with me.

*4) * If you've read the background info, you know that I am a smoker. She very much dislikes smoking, and gets very frustrated that I "abandon her" to go on our back patio and smoke before I go to sleep. I do this to take the edge off of my migraines so that I actually can sleep, and she agrees with me doing it. However, many times we get into arguments she will complain about my smoking which is essentially an automatic win for her. It seems like any time I actually get close to winning an argument or getting to a compromise, she pulls that out because I can't really argue it with her.

*5) * She doesn't outright call me names, but she dances around it and implies all of these character flaws I have. And if I confront her about calling me (for example) lazy, she will just look at me and say, "I'm not the one who said it".

_*6)*_ It seems that when she gets angry enough, she feel she has justification to do immature things. For instance, if my head is killing me (it gets a lot worse in frustrating arguments) I might leave to smoke and cool down. I know I'm not perfect in this - sometimes I will leave before the argument is finished. Even times I feel that the argument is done, though, she will do immature things like lock me out or turn off the lights repeatedly. I will usually walk in and ask her to stop, but she keeps doing it just to piss me off.

*What I'm thinking*

You should know that I love my wife intensely. In almost every other area I feel happy and content with her. I also feel that she is mostly happy and content with me. Many times that I try to talk to her about this (not during an argument), though, she gets extremely defensive and it ends up turning into another argument.

I'm just at my wits end about this problem and have no idea how to resolve it. Does anyone have any experience with something like this? I will be eternally thankful to the person that can help me figure this out.

Thank you in advance, and sorry the post was ridiculously long.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It sounds like she has a deep fear of not being in control as well as abandonment issues. Have you two thought about marriage counseling... and perhaps therapy for herself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Gaia said:


> It sounds like she has a deep fear of not being in control as well as abandonment issues. Have you two thought about marriage counseling... and perhaps therapy for herself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have thought about it, but it is hard to justify it. Apart from this, we don't really have that many problems. Given that those kind of things are relatively expensive for us right now, I think it may be impractical to do it. I would also have no idea how to broach the subject with her.

And before you guys think we are having problems financially, we aren't. At the moment I'm finishing up my last 2 semesters of college while she is working. We're not living high, but we're also not in debt or anything.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Not really related to your question, but have you considered the possibility that the headaches are actually caused by caffeine and tobacco withdrawals? I know that I can get a migraine if I have been drinking a lot of coffee recently. It is both a reliever and a cause of headaches.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

AFEH said:


> First lesson in married life? Women don’t fight fair. They make and break rules as they go along and have the most fabulously convenient memory. They can seemingly forget something from last week but remember in an instant and in great clarity something that happened exactly seven years, three months, two weeks and five days ago.
> 
> Just don’t expect her to fight fair because she wont. Rather be secretly amused (and somewhat bemused) by it all and enjoy it because it’s never going to change.
> 
> ...


Ugh, I just don't know how we are going to actually be able to solve anything with are arguments like this. It's not some random development, it has been like this the entire time.

Now I know caffeine is not causing my migraines. Caffeine is actually prescribed for migraines. There's a medicine, Caffergot, that is specifically for migraines. There's many types of "migraines" and many of them are caused by the expansion of blood vessels. Mine, however, are a neurological problem that started after I inhaled some noxious fumes after a chemical spill. Pretty much, they are anything but normal. I've seen probably 20+ doctors about them, most of them being board certified for migraines and chronic pain.

The way you say it, it makes it sound like me smoking and having caffeine are a really bad thing. Yes, they are excuses, but they are true. Without those 2 drugs, I think I might literally go insane. Without any small way to have control over them, I would be helpless and wouldn't be able to normally function.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> Not really related to your question, but have you considered the possibility that the headaches are actually caused by caffeine and tobacco withdrawals? I know that I can get a migraine if I have been drinking a lot of coffee recently. It is both a reliever and a cause of headaches.


Yes, I have. When I started getting migraines every day I wasn't smoking nor having very much caffeine. I've done test trials where I have gone without caffeine, processed sugars, etc. I've also done test trials without smoking. When I'm getting tobacco withdrawals, they will cause my headaches to get worse. However, when I'm completely off of tobacco and not getting withdrawals anymore, my headaches act exactly the same. After doing a lot of playing around with my diet, environment, and the rest of things that can cause migraines, I've pretty much found that the only thing that makes them worse (not triggers because they are _always there_) is stress and some smells (mostly cleaning products and ammonia).


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Aggie - as weird as it may seem, you're not the only person who has found that smoking reduces migraines. The rest of them may think we're full of it, but this post just brought back some childhood memories for me... 

My dad smoked. When my parents got divorced I never wanted to be around him because I HATED it, it gave me splitting headaches and sinus problems... I was diagnosed with migraines at the age of ELEVEN. (Who knew what a migraine was then???) 

Years later, I (regrettably) took up smoking myself and the migraines went away. I was also prescribed caffeine-based medications, but I almost never took them. I had the worst caffeine dependency, though.. (Mostly sodas). I'd get flu-like symptoms if I went more than 24 hours without any intake; it was AWFUL!!! (Eventually I got over that dependency - it was hell for a few days, but then I was fine). I gave up soda and I'm still not having migraines, but I still smoke. 

I also get "scent-related" headaches now. Perfumes, hairsprays, deodorants, candles, incense, etc. give me massive headaches and give my sinuses that "water up your nose" feeling... (Remember that sensation while swimming as a kid?) I literally cannot go near the "cleaner" isles or the scented candle isles in stores. It's crazy painful. (And here I thought I was just nuts... LoL)!!

Just wanted to share that with you... 
I also think your wife is just like my husband... I don't have much to add there, since I struggle with that as well... But I thought the whole smoking-migraine and caffeine thing I would comment on. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> But I thought the whole smoking-migraine and caffeine thing I would comment on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, it is nice to be reassured sometimes that I'm not the only one.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Is it the nicotine in the cigarettes that relieve your migraines? 
Have you tried using a patch instead of smoking?

I know arguments can get pretty heated between spouses sometimes. One technique I try and use is listening intently to what the other person is saying without thinking of a comeback of any kind. I then repeat what they have said back to them such as "If I understand you correctly what your saying is ......." You may want to use the coles notes version to get to the crux of it. 

Secondly ask questions for the parts of the statements your wife is making that you may not understand. 

If you have points to make phrase them as questions too, " have you thought about/ have you considered/ is there a better way to do this I'm wondering etc... I'm wondering how you would feel about .....

If she says she feels abandoned when you go for a smoke ask her why, repeat her answer and say nothing in defense. Diffuse.

Reframe when the argument gets off topic. Bring it back to the subject. 

It also helps to cool things down to say " I really would rather we resolve this than argue about it" . It leaves the door open for her to compromise without backing down. It also shows that you do not wish to argue. "We" is the important word as it includes her and you in the solution. " I don't want to argue about this" also works. Refuse to argue. lol. 

Hope that helps.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

When she starts talking over you, try to change tactics. Instead of trying to get your point across, take time to let her vent hers. Ask questions to make sure she gets it all out and that you understand it. When you think she is done, ask if she has anything more to add. 

Let her know that you understand her points, and then ask if she's willing to listen. You can say, "I'll let you know when I'm done," if it will help. 

Alternatively, you can use a timer set for 1 minute at a time, or a "talking stick" that is held by the speaker until they're finished. 

You can create an outline of points that you'd like to make and set ground rules to stick to one topic (and identify it) before you start talking. 

There are a number of techniques that can help you get a handle on this, but it has to be done willingly by both people to see results.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> but it has to be done willingly by *both* people to see results.


Perhaps the most frustrating fact of all. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1) Many arguments I will let her win or compromise with her in some way that makes her happy. The biggest problems with arguing we have is when I feel very strongly about something. For some reason, she just will not compromise with me. As soon as I show her I'm very serious about what I want, it is like a flag goes off in her head to not budge at all on what she wants.

*While you may not want to concede your point, make sure you recognize/validate her side. Acknowledge what she is saying and accept that she is saying it from a conviction as strong as yours. Doing this may help you prevail in your argument.*

2 When I am trying to explain my point, she interrupts me. This wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't so frequent. She constantly interrupts me and brings up some other point that (I feel) is loosely related to what we are originally talking about. Most of the time, I am on the defensive and trying to explain myself, so when she keeps doing this I rarely get around to complete my defense.

*When she interrupts, you have to stop immediately and ask her not to interrupt you and tell her you will give her a chance to speak. You have to do this continually since she has learned that she can interrupt you and get away with it so she has to relearn acceptable behavior. Just make sure you don't interrupt her. *

As our arguments progress and she does this frequently, it gets downright frustrating. I try my best to be mature and compromise, but after this keeps happening it gets to the point that I stop talking so I don't end up saying or doing something that would be dramatic.

*Try not to get frustrated. If you can stop the interruptions, the discussions may flow better. You need to keep your frustration level in control.*

3) It seems like almost any serious argument we have turns into a free-for-all about any other problems she is having with me.

*Acknowledge that she has other problems, but steer the discussion back to the topic at hand. "I know you don't like the hours I spend at the library, but we're discussion how to pay the bills. Let's concentrate on that and we can discuss my time management skills later."*

4) If you've read the background info, you know that I am a smoker. She very much dislikes smoking, and gets very frustrated that I "abandon her" to go on our back patio and smoke before I go to sleep. I do this to take the edge off of my migraines so that I actually can sleep, and she agrees with me doing it. However, many times we get into arguments she will complain about my smoking which is essentially an automatic win for her. It seems like any time I actually get close to winning an argument or getting to a compromise, she pulls that out because I can't really argue it with her.

*Again, keep the discussion at hand on topic. If you need to go to the patio to smoke, ask her to join you so the discussion can continue.*


5) She doesn't outright call me names, but she dances around it and implies all of these character flaws I have. And if I confront her about calling me (for example) lazy, she will just look at me and say, "I'm not the one who said it".

*You can kill that kind of argument with self-deprecation. When she hints that you are lazy, say "Yeah, I know I'm lazy. It's a bad quality." Then get back to the discussion at hand.*


6) It seems that when she gets angry enough, she feel she has justification to do immature things. For instance, if my head is killing me (it gets a lot worse in frustrating arguments) I might leave to smoke and cool down. I know I'm not perfect in this - sometimes I will leave before the argument is finished. Even times I feel that the argument is done, though, she will do immature things like lock me out or turn off the lights repeatedly. I will usually walk in and ask her to stop, but she keeps doing it just to piss me off.

*Look at it from her view... to her it looks like you are walking out to end an argument that she feels she's winning. It looks childish to her and she replies with more childish behavior. Again, ask her to join you, or ask for a 5 minute break to smoke and then come back and continue the discussion.*


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Your wife is an "everything but the kitchen sink" arguer. When you have an argument it is most likely started by one thing and she uses the opportunity to dredge up old issues. Definitely not fair. 

You could say, "Are we talking about X or not? You just brought up Y and I don't see what it has to do with X." You could also say "How does talking about Y help us solve X?" 

Also, try to frame the argument to its possible outcomes before you even start "debating." So if you are debating about who should be loading the dishwasher you could say, "Let's come up with a rule about who should load the dishwasher. If you agree, say "Agreed." If not, say "Disagree." This prevents the passive aggressive silence that an unfair arguer will resort to as a means to prolong an argument and wear you down. It also is something you can bring up if they break the agreement you have. So your spouse can't even begin the argument until accepting the ground rules. 

If your spouse balks at your new approach then politely decline to discuss at all. Just say "I can only discuss one issue at a time and only if there's a point to talking about it. There's no point in rehashing something if we're not going to get something positive out of it."


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, I've dealt with similarly immature and manipulative tactics during conversation. I believe when people do this--distract from the main point, interrupt, insult--*it is all about their need to CONTROL THE CONVERSATION.*

*Deeper than her desire to "win" a given argument, is a FEAR OF LOSING (an argument). *

She wants to get you off track, defending yourself, focusing on some flaw of your character, or distracted by an ancillary point, because she is AFRAID of actually getting anywhere with the main topic at hand--she is afraid she'll lose something. 

Compromise = she's not "right."
She's not right = she's "wrong."
She's "wrong" = she doesn't know how to function outside a world of right/wrong. This is scary for a control person.

All of this happens on a *subconscious *level of protecting herself by means of tightly gripping control. That alert goes off the second she knows something is important to you? That's because it alerts her fear: "Uh-oh, things might not turn out in a totally known, safe way for ME." And her emergency reaction is to interrupt, distract and take control to protect herself from losing.

You can't play this game because it exhausts you and you want something else. So don't play. *Don't try to win. 
*
Know that there is fear underneath her need to control every argument, and stay calm.

1. When she interrupts, hold up your hand and say firmly, "I'm not done." If she bulldozes, let her finish then *DO NOT ADDRESS WHAT SHE SAID WHEN SHE INTERRUPTED YOU. *Stick to your original point.
2. If she gets stuck on a small or side topic within the MAIN topic, simply repeat YOUR main point. Don't address the smaller side topic if you KNOW it's not the main issue.
3. Do NOT give words to her implied insults. Don't say "so you're calling me lazy." If you KNOW you're not lazy, *there is no need to give energy or credit to her insults.* She feels relief the second you do that, like "ahh, I just won that one." And you get NOWHERE with the original issue.

Bottom line: KNOW in your own mind the main topic, and what YOU hope to get out of the conversation. STICK TO IT. 
Refuse to engage with anything other than that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It's hard to break communication problems w/o therapy. It sounds like "winning" is more important to her than being respectful to you.

I would refuse to "engage" but it is easier said than done.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Emerald said:


> It's hard to break communication problems w/o therapy. It sounds like "winning" is more important to her than being respectful to you.
> 
> I would refuse to "engage" but it is easier said than done.


Definitely refuse to engage in a free-for-all unstructured argument. Nothing good can come from it. My thinking is that a disagreement about any issue should be resolved as soon as possible and not be expanded to include other issues. So if his spouse or he is going to be the "winner" it's going to be about something specific and it will be recognized by both of them. That is in contrast to an all-encompassing argument in which he capitulates to end the argument but nothing gets resolved. 

He has nothing to lose by taking this approach. It is sensible and it puts the focus on her crazy approach to arguing. If they start arguing issue X and she brings up issue Y then she has to explain how they are related and how discussing Y will lead to a resolution of X. If she doesn't want to explain he can just say "I just want to resolve X and I can't see how talking about Y gets us there."


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like yall could use some MC of some type and learn how to argue nicer as well, 

Gigem


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Aggie said:


> I have a big health problem, which developed a few years ago. I have chronic migraines (all of the time) and have tried every medicine under the sun to fix it. For the last 2 years, I have been looking at more extreme things to do about it. Currently, I'm getting Botox injections for it.


Have you tried reading the principles lined out in the book_ Your Body's Many Cries for Water_? It might seem like an impossibly simple solution, and there are no guarantees, but there are people who've suffered with migraines that found welcome relief from executing the simple hydration recommendations outlined in that book.

Regardless, I so hope you find relief.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Is it the nicotine in the cigarettes that relieve your migraines?
> Have you tried using a patch instead of smoking?


I've tried using nicotine gum, but haven't tried patches as they are really expensive. The biggest problem with things like that are that they are meant to help you quit, so they have much smaller amounts of nicotine in it. I don't smoke cigarettes - I smoke swisher sweets cigarillos because they have a lot of nicotine in them. So there really isn't that much else that I have found that is comparable to the amount of nicotine in one cigarillo. The only thing that I've found that is strong and fast-acting aside from smoking is chewing tobacco, and that is just too gross for me.

As for the rest of what you have said, some of it is new and some of it isn't. In a few times that I was asking her why she argues like this, she tells me that it is because she feel like she isn't being heard. The problem is that I actually do try and understand her point, but most of the time it doesn't matter.

It kind of seems that she follows the logic that if I don't agree with her that obviously I don't understand her well enough because if I did, I would agree with her.

She's is very confident, but sometimes it seems like she thinks that because she is usually right about a lot of things, she automatically is right about whatever we're arguing about.

Thank you for your help - I think I'll try a few of those suggestions.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Have you tried reading the principles lined out in the book_ Your Body's Many Cries for Water_? It might seem like an impossibly simple solution, and there are no guarantees, but there are people who've suffered with migraines that found welcome relief from executing the simple hydration recommendations outlined in that book.
> 
> Regardless, I so hope you find relief.


I have not personally read the book, but I definitely don't have problems drinking water. I go through the equivalent of ~12 water bottles per day. A doctor once recommended that for me, but after I told her how much I do drink, she ruled that out. Thanks, though - it does help a lot of people.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Sounds like yall could use some MC of some type and learn how to argue nicer as well,
> 
> Gigem


Whoop! :smthumbup:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Aggie said:


> she feel like she isn't being heard.
> 
> She's is very confident, but sometimes it seems like she thinks that because she is usually right about a lot of things, she automatically is right about whatever we're arguing about.


Bingo.

Verbatim I have heard and experienced the EXACT same thing.

When everything boils down to right vs. wrong, you must invalidate your partner because at all costs, you must be right. And if they don't agree, they impede this singular end goal.

The only "counter" is to respond with a different end goal in your mind.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Aggie said:


> I have not personally read the book, but I definitely don't have problems drinking water. I go through the equivalent of ~12 water bottles per day. A doctor once recommended that for me, but after I told her how much I do drink, she ruled that out. Thanks, though - it does help a lot of people.


The principle is actually a specific amount of water depending on your weight and activity level, combined with raw, unrefined sea salt, which is packed with minerals and helps regulate the hydration in your body better than plain water. 

My wife has the occasional migraine. Water alone doesn't do it for her, but the sea salt/water combo works wonders. Not trying to push this on you, just wanted to offer a possible point of relief.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> The principle is actually a specific amount of water depending on your weight and activity level, combined with raw, unrefined sea salt, which is packed with minerals and helps regulate the hydration in your body better than plain water.
> 
> My wife has the occasional migraine. Water alone doesn't do it for her, but the sea salt/water combo works wonders. Not trying to push this on you, just wanted to offer a possible point of relief.


I haven't heard about the salt thing. Maybe I will take a look at that book; Thanks


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Alternatively, you can use a timer set for 1 minute at a time, or a "talking stick" that is held by the speaker until they're finished.
> 
> ...
> 
> There are a number of techniques that can help you get a handle on this, but it has to be done willingly by both people to see results.


I've actually tried the "talking stick" thing before. I did it once successfully, but now anytime I suggest we do that again she just gives me that face that says, "You, sir, are the dumbest person on the planet. Good day".

A large reason this hasn't been fixed is her stubbornness about fixing it. She doesn't really see it as a problem until I'm in frustrated tears (doesn't happen very often). When she does see it as a problem, it is only momentarily and only a problem for the current argument.

I've really, really pushed this issue before and have tried to talk about it during good times, but no matter how those conversations go it doesn't really change much.

The only thing that I've actually accomplished was to get her to not blatantly call me names. Now she just implies character flaws without actually saying it. A little better, but not by much


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Your wife is an "everything but the kitchen sink" arguer. When you have an argument it is most likely started by one thing and she uses the opportunity to dredge up old issues. Definitely not fair.
> 
> You could say, "Are we talking about X or not? You just brought up Y and I don't see what it has to do with X." You could also say "How does talking about Y help us solve X?"
> 
> ...


These are all great suggestions. I used to have a similar difficulty. I grew up in a household where there was never an argument ever, and my wife grew up in a home where the person who complained the loudest usually got what he/she wanted. So when my wife and I argued, she was trying to win the point and all I wanted was for the yelling to stop. It made me very passive aggressive. I'd hold things in for weeks and then we had a small conflict I lost all control, and by the end I would feel lousy for A) losing control; and B) for losing the argument anyway. I've used all the tactics above to keep disagreements in check without straying off-topic and keeping the two of us in balance. But there's one thing that VermisciousKnid didn't mention directly.

KEEP YOUR COOL.

If you sense an argument starting, keep your head on straight and don't let the argument get out of your hands. If you listen to what your wife has to say but respond quietly but directly, it forces her into a position where she has to keep her cool, too, or else look like an ass in front of her husband.

If you need to cool off before you lose your temper, ask for a time-out, maybe 10 minutes to think and for her to cool off a little too.

If you do that and keep the discussion focused on what started it, I think you'll find you and your wife coming to an understanding more easily on most disagreements.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Bingo.
> 
> Verbatim I have heard and experienced the EXACT same thing.
> 
> ...


I'm a little confused on your post. I assume the second section is from the PoV of my wife, but I'm not entirely sure if the last sentence is why I should do or what she is doing.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> KEEP YOUR COOL.
> 
> If you sense an argument starting, keep your head on straight and don't let the argument get out of your hands. If you listen to what your wife has to say but respond quietly but directly, it forces her into a position where she has to keep her cool, too, or else look like an ass in front of her husband.
> 
> ...


I do sometimes get hotheaded at the very beginning of arguments. Rarely, I will stay and let that rule me (those turn into all-out fights).

Many times when I ask for a timeout, though, is when the whole immaturity thing plays in. I'll say that I need to cool off, and then she'll do little annoying things that pretty much make it impossible for me to do so. She does it until I am essentially forced back into the argument, now way more pissed off than I was.

Sometimes I can keep the topic focused on one thing, but often, while trying to do so, I'll be interrupted / talked over.

Do you know of anything specific I can do to try and keep it focused or keep her from talking over me? Should I just continue on with what I was saying and disregard what she was saying if it was off-topic?

I could use many of these suggestions if I could just get to the point where I can talk and get basic messages across.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife is a megalomaniac who has never been wrong about anything ever in the history of people and has no need to discuss my failure to agree with that any further.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Another side note, but have you tried Nicotine Replacement Therapy. The patch, Electronic Cigarette, Mints, or Gum. These give you the nicotine without all the carcinogens.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Aggie said:


> I'm a little confused on your post. I assume the second section is from the PoV of my wife, but I'm not entirely sure if the last sentence is why I should do or what she is doing.


Yes, that is from your wife's pov.

And what I mean is that its futile and counterproductive for you to likewise try to prove her wrong and yourself right.
She fights to win. The specifics don't matter, that's why she interrupts, changes the subject, insults and distracts. 

You, on the other hand, have to have a goal in mind other than winning or proving a point.
Know what you want out of a given discussion--be it a solution to a problem, understanding, respect, whatever--and participate in it only as far as it goes in THAT direction.
When it turns into any of the other stuff, disengage.

If you likewise fight to win, you'll (both) continue to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Aggie said:


> Do you know of anything specific I can do to try and keep it focused or keep her from talking over me? Should I just continue on with what I was saying and disregard what she was saying if it was off-topic?
> 
> I could use many of these suggestions if I could just get to the point where I can talk and get basic messages across.


I'm not really sure how I learned to keep the argument on track. One day I just started doing it and saw successful it was.

What kinds of things is she doing that keep you from cooling off? If she's doing that, the best things I can suggest to you are extending the time-out to around 20 minutes or so (you know best what time to take) and getting out of the house for a few minutes. Take a little time to excuse yourself so you can refocus and get a little time to yourself without your wife needling you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Tell her ahead of time:

"When we discuss xyz, I would like to finish my point. If you interrupt me before I'm done saying what I have to say, I will stop and hope you pick up on my cue, and stop talking so I can finish making my point. If you don't, I'll just bow out of the conversation for the time being. I'd rather have it when we can both get our points across."

Then it's in her court. If she interrupts, stick to what you said: stop talking, see if she stops to let you finish. If she does, calmly continue with your point. If she doesn't, bow out.

If she yells at you and harrasses you to get you to re-engage, just tell her you'd like some space, and you'll be happy to talk with her again when things cool down.

No matter how loud or rude she gets, she won't "force" you to talk to her. You have to be fully in control of your choices what to say, when to say it, and when to give yourself some space. 

Once you do that, the only person she'll have left to control is herself.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Aggie said:


> I've actually tried the "talking stick" thing before. I did it once successfully, but now anytime I suggest we do that again she just gives me that face that says, "You, sir, are the dumbest person on the planet. Good day".
> 
> A large reason this hasn't been fixed is her stubbornness about fixing it. She doesn't really see it as a problem until I'm in frustrated tears (doesn't happen very often). When she does see it as a problem, it is only momentarily and only a problem for the current argument.
> 
> ...


Two things that I recommend keeping close to your heart: 

1. "I want to" is a valid reason.

2. The listener, not the speaker, sets the tone of the conversation.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Have you tried a ketogenic diet?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> Have you tried a ketogenic diet?


Another really great suggestion.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Smoking cigarettes will slow your sperm down.

My husband and I got pregnant the month he quit smoking...we weren't really trying.

Just a thought.

As for chronic pain, I had some...cut out gluten and haven't had pain since.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> The listener, not the speaker, sets the tone of the conversation.


This is profound. Food for thought.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

When you are being ignored or disrespected, just say "This is unproductive" and turn and walk away. You can't make her behave properly but you can remove yourself from the situation.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You guys need to learn how to argue better. That is, you need to improve your conflict resolution skills. Seeing a marriage counselor might help you learn how to handle disagreements in more productive ways.

Have you two discussed the unhealthy dynamic?


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Well, for some reason I talked to her and I think I actually got through to her. Hopefully, I won't need to look at this thread again.

Thanks everyone for the help - I really appreciate it.


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