# Is it possible



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

My husband and I almost divorced. He cancelled it the last day before it was final.

He has been involved with a woman from overseas whom he has never met. She knows he is still married. She thinks she is in a relationship with him. He told her he was separated. We were separated for about 3 months.

I recently came back and he picked me up from the airport and we spent some time together and it was really nice; like when we first met. We've been talking every day. We are both living in a rented room about 2 miles from each other. For the first time in a long time, I think there might be possibly of reconciliation.


He has stopped liking her posts on fb. She was making passive aggressive posts how he was being distant and wishy washy. I guess he told her to back off and then she posted a screenshot of him on skype saying happy anniversary to her instagram but not her fb (he doesn't have instagram). LOL how the heck do you have an anniversary with a married man you have never met? Anyway, the photo had to be old because I was actually with him at the time.

Yes I know regardless if they have ever met or not, he was cheating on me. 

I am just taking things slow with him and just renewing our friendship. Is there anything else I should be doing or not doing?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to keep your distance mentally because your husband has already proven himself unfaithful and very likely will be again. 

If you must have him, though, don't let yourself ever be emotionally dependent on him again


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If he is still in contact with her, you are playing the pick me game.

He is your husband, not some guy you just met. He betrayed you and is continuing a relationship with the woman. 

If you want a true reconciliation, he has to admit that he was wrong and should never, under any circumstances, treated you with such contempt. This should be followed by him making amends for having wronged you. You can forgive him and still expect him to write you a sincere apology and make a plan to make amends that he follows through with enthusiastically. He should have already sent the OW a no contact letter and blocked her every means of contacting him.

If he's unwilling to do any of that, there is no way you can ever trust him again. He has to realize in his heart that what he did was unacceptable and he should be in counseling to get to the bottom of why he would behave in such a deplorable manner and how he can repent of that kind of thinking and behavior to eradicate it from his life forever. Very few cheater ever truly repent. It's a huge risk to continue on with them, but if you do, there should be some serious boundaries to guard your heart and for him to prove himself to you.

He is untrustworthy. Getting back into a relationship with him, if he hasn't proven a sincere and diligent effort to repent, will surely lead to further heartbreak for you. The items above are a bare bones approach to him proving himself. If he can't do those, there is no chance that things will ever be healthy with him in your life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Anything else you should be doing? Yes. You should be having enough self-respect to not agree to even attempt a "reconciliation" with a man who is still cheating on you. And as long as they're in contact at all, he _is_ still cheating.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Absolutely no contact. Change his number. Delete his social media accounts. You have full access/passwords to his phone and email accounts. As long as he is in contact with her, he will never truly be in reconciliation with you.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

So....she was second best. Then you split with your hubby and you became second best. Now it appears, that since he stopped hitting like on FB that you may be moving back into the first position again. 

Are you happy with any of this?????

He is or isn't your HUSBAND...not some boy you had a crush on in high school. You should expect , as his wife, to not only be in the number one position.....but to be in the ONLY position for his attention and affections. 

Please don't settle. If you do, he will treat you this way forever....because you let him. THAT part is on you.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

All I am going to say is that I bet 6 months from now he will find another that is closer and he won't just be hitting like on fb.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK, anything is possible.

What has changed?

How has he changed? 
How do you know? 
How can you know? On this, time is your best friend. Do not move in with him. For a long time. Or not at all. Being burned does not inure, protect you from a repeat performance.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has he stopped all contact? Will he give you full access to all of his accounts? Is he repentant? Have you told him that if this happens again you are gone for good? What is he doing to make sure that this will never happen again? 
Honestly I would not have anything to do with him until at least ALL contact with her has stopped. He needs to know that there are consequences to his appalling behaviour.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

SunCMars said:


> OK, anything is possible.
> 
> What has changed?
> 
> ...


I haven't even brought up our marriage at all yet. We have been hanging out (nothing sexual) and talking. I have no intention of just letting him off the hook. Working on communication and a friendship is all I'm ready for right now.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

CynthiaDe said:


> If he is still in contact with her, you are playing the pick me game.
> 
> He is your husband, not some guy you just met. He betrayed you and is continuing a relationship with the woman.
> 
> ...


He doesn't even think he is cheating. He says we have been separated for 2 years so it can't be cheating. I absolutely disagree. We were separated for 3 months when he moved out. He moved back in and then started the online affair while I was overseas for a funeral.

We are still married. The divorce was cancelled. He said we are separated and I say we aren't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Tigger said:


> He doesn't even think he is cheating. He says we have been separated for 2 years so it can't be cheating. I absolutely disagree. We were separated for 3 months when he moved out. He moved back in and then started the online affair while I was overseas for a funeral.
> 
> We are still married. The divorce was cancelled. He said we are separated and I say we aren't.


Major differences of opinion between the two of you. He WAS cheating. He is not remorseful; in fact, he doesn't even see where he did anything wrong. But you do.

With that in mind, what is the point of having a "friendship" that may lead to reconciliation at this point?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn't think he was cheating. You think he was. How would you go forward from that?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Openminded said:


> He doesn't think he was cheating. You think he was. How would you go forward from that?


I don't really know.

It absolutely is cheating so I don't know how he can say it isn't.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He is not repentant. Do you really want to try to make it work with an unrepentant adulterer who has betrayed you personally and denies he did anything wrong? I hope you don't. You will be back her in a year with your heart broken if you do. Don't put yourself in that position. He's not worth it.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

CynthiaDe said:


> He is not repentant. Do you really want to try to make it work with an unrepentant adulterer who has betrayed you personally and denies he did anything wrong? I hope you don't. You will be back her in a year with your heart broken if you do. Don't put yourself in that position. He's not worth it.


Thanks. You're right. Maybe this is all wishful thinking on my part.

While we were separated, I told him I went on a date to make him jealous. All I did was go to the library and then a coffee shop by myself. I later told him there was no date that I was just trying to make him jealous.

He uses this as his justification for cheating on me.

I AM worth more than that.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

This is making me mad again. I am half tempted to send the OW pics of my husband and me hanging out in bed since the ho sure likes to try to rub it in my face. Childish yes, but it would make me feel better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you so desperate for HIS affection that you'll take any crumbs he throws you?

He stopped the divorce because reality hit and he didn't want the inconvenience that comes with divorce. I seriously doubt he did it because he finally pulled his head from his arse and "chose" you. Why do you even need to be a choice? Don't you think more highly of yourself? 

He wouldn't be the first man to have an emotional affair with an idea, not the reality.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Satya said:


> Are you so desperate for HIS affection that you'll take any crumbs he throws you?
> 
> He stopped the divorce because reality hit and he didn't want the inconvenience that comes with divorce. I seriously doubt he did it because he finally pulled his head from his arse and "chose" you. Why do you even need to be a choice? Don't you think more highly of yourself?
> 
> He wouldn't be the first man to have an emotional affair with an idea, not the reality.




Yes I am desperate for crumbs.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tigger said:


> My husband and I almost divorced. He cancelled it the last day before it was final.
> 
> He has been involved with a woman from overseas whom he has never met. She knows he is still married. She thinks she is in a relationship with him. He told her he was separated. We were separated for about 3 months.
> 
> ...


Tigger,

I am sorry you are in this situation but I wouldn't touch your WH with a barge pole. What happens when all the 'good feelings' dissipate and your relationship returns to its 'normal' phase, will he go and start another relationship with someone else when he gets bored with you.
That does not mean I do not believe in reconciliation, but if he is serious, then he needs to cut all contact with her, no FB, no twitter, etc
He needs to write a letter for her to cease and desist
He needs to show he is stepping up to the plate including MC and counselling for you both.
Is he bending over backwards to win you back? He should be.
If not, cut your losses move on and find someone who is worthy of you.

PS. The way you write, it sounds like its all the OW fault, like she is chasing him. Please do not believe this, your WH was also responsible for this A. Do not believe what he is telling, check and verify


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Yes I am desperate for crumbs.


 @Tigger, I feel for you. Please think about WHY you're willing to accept crumbs. Everyone deserves the whole cookie. Do you have low self-worth? That's something you should really consider exploring with a therapist. Think more highly of yourself and you'll begin to reject people who give you less than you deserve.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tigger said:


> I don't really know.
> 
> It absolutely is cheating so I don't know how he can say it isn't.


Why wou.d you want to be with someone who doesn't believe that what he's done is cheating? He doesn't have the same values that you do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Yes I am desperate for crumbs.


Why?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tigger said:


> I haven't even brought up our marriage at all yet. We have been hanging out (nothing sexual) and talking. I have no intention of just letting him off the hook. Working on communication and a friendship is all I'm ready for right now.


I hope the 'Good' in this life, returns to your doorstep. :smile2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband doesn't have a lack of understanding problem. He has a heart problem. His heart is not soft and loving towards you, unless it benefits him. When he sees something better, you no longer matter.

You certainly are worth more than that. I recommend you complete the divorce and spend some time working to build your feelings of value as a person.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Satya said:


> @Tigger, I feel for you. Please think about WHY you're willing to accept crumbs. Everyone deserves the whole cookie. Do you have low self-worth? That's something you should really consider exploring with a therapist. Think more highly of yourself and you'll begin to reject people who give you less than you deserve.


Probably growing up with a cold manipulative narcissist mother, Nothing was ever good enough for her.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your husband doesn't have a lack of understanding problem. He has a heart problem. His heart is not soft and loving towards you, unless it benefits him. When he sees something better, you no longer matter.
> 
> You certainly are worth more than that. I recommend you complete the divorce and spend some time working to build your feelings of value as a person.


I think he might be a narcissist like my mother. It does seem the only time he is nice to anyone is when he wants to use them for something.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tigger said:


> I think he might be a narcissist like my mother. It does seem the only time he is nice to anyone is when he wants to use them for something.


Have you sought counseling to see why you would want to continue marriage with someone you view this way? Marriage is about joining your life with someone. Almost every aspect of your life will be impacted by his presence if you continue in marriage with him. You are considering reconciling with someone who you don't trust and has shown no reason to even try to restore trust. He is continuing on in the same mindset as before. The only change is that he has regained some interest in you.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Satya said:


> @Tigger, I feel for you. Please think about WHY you're willing to accept crumbs. Everyone deserves the whole cookie. Do you have low self-worth? That's something you should really consider exploring with a therapist. Think more highly of yourself and you'll begin to reject people who give you less than you deserve.


Truth



Tigger said:


> I think he might be a narcissist like my mother. It does seem the only time he is nice to anyone is when he wants to use them for something.


I married a man like my mom. Silly me....I thought I was a step ahead because I didn't marry one like my father. 
When you realize what you are doing, you're on the way to something better...but only if you want it. It takes work, everyday, to drag yourself "up" from the pit of low self esteem. Amazing thing about that is that when you start representing yourself as deserving more, those around you will see it, too. 

Good luck to you.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

CynthiaDe said:


> Have you sought counseling to see why you would want to continue marriage with someone you view this way? Marriage is about joining your life with someone. Almost every aspect of your life will be impacted by his presence if you continue in marriage with him. You are considering reconciling with someone who you don't trust and has shown no reason to even try to restore trust. He is continuing on in the same mindset as before. The only change is that he has regained some interest in you.



I appreciate the reality check. No hasn't done anything to show me he is worth trusting again. He is all too happy to lay the blame of our marriage troubles at my feet. Not once has he ever said he was sorry or said he has done anything wrong in our marriage. It has always been my fault and only my fault.

Come to think of it, that is how he has always been in life. Always the victim and blames everyone and everything else for his problems.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tigger said:


> I appreciate the reality check. No hasn't done anything to show me he is worth trusting again. He is all too happy to lay the blame of our marriage troubles at my feet. Not once has he ever said he was sorry or said he has done anything wrong in our marriage. It has always been my fault and only my fault.
> 
> Come to think of it, that is how he has always been in life. Always the victim and blames everyone and everything else for his problems.


Your husband should be your best friend and closest confidant. He sounds more like an adversary.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is very difficult for many people to let go of a marriage. When people marry there are all levels of bonding that can be deeply painful to break. So I understand why you are having a hard time letting go of him. You gave him your heart. 

If you don't want to continue living this way, consider what you can do to detach from him. If you decide to detach, the best approach is the bandaid approach. Like ripping off a bandaid, it hurts, but for a shorter time than slowly trying to peel away. Cut off all contact. Finish the divorce. Block his ability to contact you. Move to a new residence if necessary. Let him go and never look back. He is not on your side.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Tigger.....you deserve way better than the crumbs your H is tossing your way.

You are settling. Your H has no remorse and no commitment to cutting ties with the OW.

We teach people how to treat us.....in your case you are showing your H that you will still be around while getting pittance in return.

Don't let your H define your worth. Be kind to yourself. 

I understand that growing up with a Narcissist Mother....you feel you are never good enough and hang on to any kind of affirmation regardless of how pitiful.

I agree with all other posters suggesting IC to get in touch with who you really are and what you are deserving of.

There are many men that will treat you with love and respect and will make you their priority in life. Don't settle for anything less.

However...getting involved in another relationship should take a back seat to finding out via counselling why you are accepting of such behaviour from your H. Learn to love yourself first.

The effort needed to detach yourself from your H and your marriage seems insurmountable, but once you start you will never look back.

You are worth it. You will wish you had done this a long time ago...you will be much happier.

Ask yourself....if you had a daughter, sister or good friend that was in the same situation as yours , what would your advice be to them.

I can guarantee if they asked you " should I stay with this man, accepting crumbs, being disrespected and cheated on ....your answer would be " Hell No".... take your own advice as a gift and move on to take care of yourself mentally and physically....you are so worth it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tigger said:


> I appreciate the reality check. No hasn't done anything to show me he is worth trusting again. He is all too happy to lay the blame of our marriage troubles at my feet. Not once has he ever said he was sorry or said he has done anything wrong in our marriage. It has always been my fault and only my fault.
> 
> Come to think of it, that is how he has always been in life. Always the victim and blames everyone and everything else for his problems.


Then he isnt worth your time or your tears.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Maybe this so called OW is in it for the chance to move to a better contry (nothing to do with love) or some man fron Nigeria using a woman's picture.

People can be anything they want to be on the Internet.


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