# Blow job with no return



## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi. I'll try to keep this short. My husband of 11 years and I have been having trouble on and off again for years. One example is the Sex ...its bad. We went to therapy etc. Didn't do much. He just acted like he was in a movie... But at least he was trying. But that was short lived. The last time was over a month ago. I initiated. It lasted about 20 seconds, he orgasmed... Cleaned up and apologized. It was bad. So this morning I woke up feeling frisky. I woke him up by "massaging" him. He just laid there... Orgasmed and cleaned up. At one point he said "you sure you don't want to get naked?". I said "sure". He never did anything about it. 

I just don't know what to do. I prefer masturbation because at least I know how to pleasure myself. He's never once gotten me to orgasm. After therapy he tried but clearly he's not now...

What do I do? Everytime I try to talk to him about it he just responds " I guess I'm not good enough"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I was never in therapy, how is it like?

What Advice do they give him?

Can you give him advice of what you want HIM to do?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He sounds like eeyore you know from winnie the pooh?

I'm picturing his head hung low...."I guess I'm not good enough".

He sounds like he has a premature ejaculation problem which can easily fixed with meds. Is he even interested in fixing this?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

The therapist basically told him to try and work harder at being more romantic and focusing on me. He did that for a little while... But it seemed so forced. 

He says he does not have a problem. I asked him to go to the dr just to be sure. He did not. He says that he's fine. I'm just "too sexy". 





Mavash. said:


> He sounds like eeyore you know from winnie the pooh?
> 
> I'm picturing his head hung low...."I guess I'm not good enough".
> 
> He sounds like he has a premature ejaculation problem which can easily fixed with meds. Is he even interested in fixing this?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

needopinion said:


> He says he does not have a problem.


If he thinks finishing in 20 seconds is normal then YOU have a HUGE problem.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

needopinion said:


> At one point he said "you sure you don't want to get naked?". I said "sure". He never did anything about it.


One more question...why didn't you get naked? Why is it up to him to know what you want? Tell him it's your turn and tell him what you want him to do.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I did. But he got up to take a shower 



Mavash. said:


> One more question...why didn't you get naked? Why is it up to him to know what you want? Tell him it's your turn and tell him what you want him to do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Can you tell him or show him what you like ??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

needopinion said:


> I did. But he got up to take a shower


Ouch. That's a bad sign. Has he always been that selfish?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Yes pretty much. When he knows I'm upset he will work a little harder. But he just seems like he's the only one who is important. And when I've asked for round two. He's said that he isn't capable of that. That is only in Hollywood..



Mavash. said:


> Ouch. That's a bad sign. Has he always been that selfish?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

needopinion said:


> Yes pretty much. When he knows I'm upset he will work a little harder. But he just seems like he's the only one who is important. And when I've asked for round two. He's said that he isn't capable of that. That is only in Hollywood..
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some are, some aren't. Sounds more like a being not interested in you issue than being purely about sex. For us starving men out there, we'd take any one of the things you do and knock it out of the park until we're shooting blanks. That's the more normal male reaction. Indifference is not. There must be something short circuiting normal that either hasn't been uncovered or addressed.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

It's possible that he does suffer from PE. If he's got a bit of a self-deprecating attitude, it might be tricky to bring up, but I'm sure others will have some tips.

In the mean time... have you asked him to go down on you? Or use his hands?

Maybe get him in the mood, but be careful not to push him all the way, then ask him to do something for you.

It does sound like he's being a bit of a jerk, though (sorry). You've been to therapy so who knows you're not satisfied. If he's still not making more of an effort, then that's worrying.

Perhaps you need to just tell him straight up: _"I know you probably don't do this on purpose, but sometimes it feels as if you're the only one that's important in our relationship. My needs aren't being met, and I want you to make more of an effort. If you can't do that, then we have serious issues with this marriage (or the sexual part of it, anyway)..."_ End of speech


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## Laureen (Apr 3, 2012)

If this has been going on for years, he won't go to the DR for a medical opinion, he asks you to get naked and he gets up for a shower, blah blah blah... 

There are plenty of men who actually care about pleasing their spouse. You DESERVE to enjoy physical pleasure VIA a partner - not just yourself. 

If he does not go to the DR - leave. Stay gone for a while and see what happens. It is very likely that in 6 months of separation you will find you are much, much happier without him OR he may find that he needs to MAN UP in order to hold onto his marriage.

God GAVE us the ability to experience great physical pleasure. It is a gift that we are meant to enjoy! He did not give it to men AND women so that men alone can enjoy orgasm. It is a very spiritual experience when experienced in the throws of loving, physical encounters with a spouse. The purpose for it is to help BOND people and keep people procreating and raising kids in a BONDED relationship. Orgasm is GOOD. 

He is selfish. You deserve better than that. This will lead to resentments that will destroy your marriage over time anyways. May as well leave now and see if it makes him take your needs seriously.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why are you giving him blowjobs at all, then? Until he starts making sure you're taken care of, I'd take those off the menu.

I also think he's being a selfish ass... If I happen to orgasm before my GF (doesn't happen often, ladies first, you know), I make sure she gets hers before playtime is over. And while it's true that 2x in a short period of time might not be easy (especially as a guy ages), I've got a tongue, 10 fingers, toys... A little variety is good for you both!

C
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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

PBear said:


> And while it's true that 2x in a short period of time might not be easy (especially as a guy ages), I've got a tongue, 10 fingers, toys..


I was thinking the same thing. And the mind driving those things is very, very familiar with the terrain.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I've thought about asking him to try having sex everyday. I've heard the sex "diet" has helped. But when we have been regular... I become so resentful and upset that it would tick me off to be obligated to do it consistently. 

It's tough. He just seems totally unfazed ... And when I have gotten upset ... He works a little harder... Then returns to THIS. It's definitely NOT fun. 


UOTE=Jeff/BC;660708]I was thinking the same thing. And the mind driving those things is very, very familiar with the terrain.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband has used numerous excuses for not wanting to give me pleasure. He lies there and is paralysed in ecstacy....says i'm just too good at it...sex that is. He also will wait for me to initiate all sex because he knows if he waits long enough i will give hin the full works. His idea of foreplay is to face me when we first get in bed and give me a silly look.... Which means will you put your hands in my shorts?....The other night i had had enough of his excuses about being " a bit wooden in that area"..... But he knows how to get his full pleasure!! Soooo..... I refused to play it the way he likes it and forced him down there, and i mean forced....like a dominatrix and told him not to even think about stopping the oral until i was fully satisfied. Now i am sorry if this sounds harsh but i can count on one hand the orgasms he has given me in 4years. ONE A YEAR.... NOT BAD FOR SEX ON AVERAGE 2 to 3 times a week. I had a feeling i was going to have to take matters into my own hands... And now he knows i am not putting up with short measures. Just wait till I give him a rampant rabbit to stop him complaining about Repetitve Strain Injury....LOL
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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Laureen said:


> *If this has been going on for years, he won't go to the DR for a medical opinion, he asks you to get naked and he gets up for a shower, blah blah blah...
> 
> There are plenty of men who actually care about pleasing their spouse. You DESERVE to enjoy physical pleasure VIA a partner - not just yourself.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Should that really break a marriage though? I just feel selfish for being so upset about this. 




FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree::iagree:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

needopinion said:


> Should that really break a marriage though? I just feel selfish for being so upset about this.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop giving him an orgasm for a few months/years, and see what his opinion is...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

needopinion said:


> Should that really break a marriage though? I just feel selfish for being so upset about this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is just yet another of the messed up myths of our culture that says sex is somehow unimportant. Even the most casual observation of our species with a bit of detachment readily turns up that we are, to quote my friend, a randy bunch of monkeys. These things are a part of us. They are not unimportant. 

Only you can determine if it is worth your marriage or not. But I can tell you that I was able to nip those urges in the bud. Carol has spent 15 years fixing the damage I did to myself. I would do the same thing again under the right circumstances, but I'd be a LOT more fussy about what those circumstances were.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

MmHo said:


> His idea of foreplay is to face me when we first get in bed and give me a silly look.... Which means will you put your hands in my shorts?


LMFAO :rofl:

sorry, i know its not funny, but this was FUNNY


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I'm fairly new here, I'd love to fully understand your post. What happened and what damage needed to be undone?



Jeff/BC said:


> It is just yet another of the messed up myths of our culture that says sex is somehow unimportant. Even the most casual observation of our species with a bit of detachment readily turns up that we are, to quote my friend, a randy bunch of monkeys. These things are a part of us. They are not unimportant.
> 
> Only you can determine if it is worth your marriage or not. But I can tell you that I was able to nip those urges in the bud. Carol has spent 15 years fixing the damage I did to myself. I would do the same thing again under the right circumstances, but I'd be a LOT more fussy about what those circumstances were.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

@needopinion
It wasn't exactly a "thing" that happened. I suspect it was a lot of things but the long and short is that I got it pretty firmly into my head that sex was bad. Women don't actually like sex. It is automatically true that sex is an imposition for a woman.

As you might imagine for a guy with a normal sex drive and a caring nature, that kind of wreaked havoc with my entire psyche. So pretty much any time I think I want my wife I'm being bad and pretty much any time she "complies" I'm imposing on her. Yay. With a sexual forecast like that and then a somewhat cold marriage (at the time) it's easy to see how I could just decide the whole sex thing wasn't worth it. The marriage counselor at the time warned me that actually stopping my sex drive was potentially possible but almost certainly was going to have large repercussions. I didn't care. It was causing too much pain, frustration, and annoyance. Yeah... bad thinking on my part. Along with it went about 80% of my emotional vibrancy and an awful lot my joie de vive.

That was basically the state in which Carol found me. It took her a decade to find a way to work against those thoughts effectively (you'd think me watching her have wild orgasms would've been a tip off, LOL). Things are much, much better now although it's still a work in progress. I routinely thank Carol for giving me back my maleness. She's slowly teaching me to really revel in just plain base, primal male sexuality. She gets a lot of bite marks for her trouble poor woman.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> @needopinion
> It wasn't exactly a "thing" that happened. I suspect it was a lot of things but the long and short is that I got it pretty firmly into my head that sex was bad. *Women don't actually like sex.* It is automatically true that sex is an imposition for a woman.
> 
> As you might imagine for a guy with a normal sex drive and a caring nature, that kind of wreaked havoc with my entire psyche. *So pretty much any time I think I want my wife I'm being bad and pretty much any time she "complies" I'm imposing on her.* Yay. With a sexual forecast like that and then a somewhat cold marriage (at the time) it's easy to see how I could just decide the whole sex thing wasn't worth it. The marriage counselor at the time warned me that actually stopping my sex drive was potentially possible but almost certainly was going to have large repercussions. I didn't care. It was causing too much pain, frustration, and annoyance. Yeah... bad thinking on my part. Along with it went about 80% of my emotional vibrancy and an awful lot my joie de vive.
> ...


I have to admit, while this forum is changing my mind, I honestly thought that women didn't enjoy sex nearly as much as men.

I'm in that state now, where I know my wife acquiesces to having sex the vast majority of the time and part of me the whole time is feeling like I'm a greedy jerk (while the other half knows I need the sex).

Divorce isn't an option, so I feel trapped in a sad way. On one hand I wanted what we have: a nice house in the burbs with 4 lovely kids an a wife I enjoy being around. Then there's the sex drive that goes largely unsatisfied, so day by day I struggle with it. Typically 1-3x a day I feel my drive kick in and if my wife is around I'm almost torn... while I want to give her first dibs, most of the time it's "no" so I'd rather not feel the sting of rejection yet again... and again... and again. Multiplied over ~15 years makes it just feel like an endless cycle of dissatisfaction.

Whenever the sexual needs of a partner aren't remotely met, it's just hard on that person (not as hard on the other, but if they love you they feel some compassion for your situation).


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Whenever the sexual needs of a partner aren't remotely met, it's just hard on that person (not as hard on the other, but if they love you they feel some compassion for your situation).


Well, that was what saved me. Carol loves me. Enough to motivate quite a bit more than "compassion" out of her. Her compassion turned into scheming turned into action which failed. So she'd regroup and try again. Eventually she hit on a ***** in the armor I'd built up.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

needopinion said:


> Should that really break a marriage though? I just feel selfish for being so upset about this.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why on earth would you feel selfish, just for wanting reciprocity in bed? Your husband doesn't care about your sexual needs and that is unfair. I would say the same if you were male and complaining about your wife treating you in this manner. 

Sex can make or break a marriage and downplaying the importance of physical intimacy is a grave mistake.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Start by getting him revved up. Say 10 secs in, before his 20 secs finish line just stop. Leave him kinda hanging. And ask him to give you oral or whatever you want and ensure him you will finish him off once he has finished you off.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Why on earth would you feel selfish, just for wanting reciprocity in bed?


I can relate to her, she's a giver. I give w/o expecting anything in return, simply because I love giving others joy. I don't mind when it's not returned... until you're left feeling empty.

I too feel guilt for wanting reciprocity when that emptiness kicks in. You're right that she and I shouldn't feel that guilt, but it's hard to feel like your demanding/requiring something from others if you're a giver.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Mavash. said:


> He sounds like eeyore you know from winnie the pooh?
> 
> I'm picturing his head hung low...."I guess I'm not good enough".
> 
> He sounds like he has a premature ejaculation problem which can easily fixed with meds. Is he even interested in fixing this?


What meds? I only ever hear anyone talk about stop/start, rhythm, etc. Not for me of course...but I know this guy....

Sorry for the thread hijack.

On the topic of the thread it was actually opposite for me. We would get in bed, if she wanted to do anything she would just tell me she was ready lol. I'd start with her breasts, work my way down to her lady parts, work that til she was screaming into the pillows, then she would graciously allow me to enter her at that point. Rarely did she reciprocate unless I just flat out put it in her face. :scratchhead:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> What meds? I only ever hear anyone talk about stop/start, rhythm, etc. Not for me of course...but I know this guy....
> 
> Sorry for the thread hijack.
> 
> On the topic of the thread it was actually opposite for me. We would get in bed, if she wanted to do anything she would just tell me she was ready lol. I'd start with her breasts, work my way down to her lady parts, work that til she was screaming into the pillows, then she would graciously allow me to enter her at that point. Rarely did she reciprocate unless I just flat out put it in her face. :scratchhead:


Hey otter ~

I know that I've heard that certain anti-depressants can help with PE - not that your 'friend' would necessarily want to go that route. 

Premature ejaculation: Treatments and drugs - MayoClinic.com

Best wishes.


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## WeddingInvites (Apr 10, 2012)

Needopinion, sorry, but Your problem reminded me a song called "Jizz in my pants".. No offence.. Just if he orgarsms too much, there are some medical drugs to fix that..


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

needopinion said:


> Should that really break a marriage though? I just feel selfish for being so upset about this.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The fact that he CHOOSES not to satisfy you sexually and only worries about his own needs is a problem. In my opinion, it's enough of a problem to break up a marriage over.

Now, if you were complaining that he wasn't attractive enough, or that despite real effort on his part, he just wasn't doing it for you, or if he has a real medical problem, then there is room for forgiveness and working things out. However, if he is just choosing not to bother, then he is disregarding your needs because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced and he is saying that your pleasure does not matter to him. That is something that seems problematic to me. You deserve to be wanted by the person with whom you are romantically involved and if the guy your with isn't into being with you, I bet you'll find a dozen more enthusiastic takers in a week alone. Tell him that he needs to pay attention to you or get ready to deal with the loss of you in his life. And stop giving him head until he starts giving it to you!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> I got it pretty firmly into my head that sex was bad. Women don't actually like sex. It is automatically true that sex is an imposition for a woman.
> 
> It took her a decade to find a way to work against those thoughts effectively


Yikes! That can't have been enjoyable for you. Don't worry Jeff/BC, women like sex as much as men do. Sex is only a bad thing when it isn't consensual or when it's used to manipulate and control people in exploitative ways. I'm glad things are better for you and your wife.

Original Poster, is it possible that your husband has somehow started to think sex is dirty, like the Madonna/Wh*ore dichotomy that you find in stereotype, or like the Charlotte/Trey dynamic from SATC?


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