# Wife cheated with my kid



## painremembers (Oct 11, 2012)

o.k. so the title is partialy misleading. sorry but your reading , right? I need help here, we all have sob stories,,...... here's mine. Honestly after 2 nights of no sleep and typing this on night 3 I just hope its comprehendable. I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity. Didn't work this time. See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive. Add on top of that that several times I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this was because i never let her just go out and party (without me). Sorry, she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom". Now I'm not a wealthy man, average by this economy. Everything we've ever done was for her. It gave me pride to give her new kitchen, new bathrooms, new furniture, new carpet and wood floor. wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her. She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children. I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life. She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing? i saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him. BOOM!!!! I think you call it D-Day here.I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him. I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House). Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored. Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back. I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now." she responds she will be home tommorow. I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back. She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there, I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her), I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total callapse for forgivness, she smiles. A freind told me its a defensive mech for her. so i'm trying to look past it. I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone. she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom. When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter. he kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number. She was tore up however that she was hurting him. I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once. After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times. then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding KIDDING!!!! after all this, i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure. I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, she said sorry and i said not your fault (YES IT IS!!!). But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave. I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her and your kids need there mother. 

~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck......


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Paragraphs are your friend. Add some line breaks so that your post will be more readable


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Clif notes. Guy on 3 days no sleep.

I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity. 
Didn't work this time.

See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive. 
I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this [cheating] was because i never let her just go out and party without me. 

She said she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom". 


--- wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her. She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children. 
I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life. 

She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing? 
I saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him. BOOM!!!! 

I think you call it D-Day here.I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him. I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House). 

Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored. Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back. 

I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now." she responds she will be home tommorow.
I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back. 

She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there, 

I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her), 

I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total callapse for forgivness, she smiles. 

A friend told me its a defensive mech for her. so i'm trying to look past it. 

I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone. she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom. 

When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter. 

He kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number. 
She was tore up however that she was hurting him. 

I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once. 

After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times. 

Then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding 

i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure. 

I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, she said sorry and i said not your fault (YES IT IS!!!). But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave. 

I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her and your kids need there mother. 

~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck......


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

JB?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't get it! This guy has just poured his heart out, looking for advice, and you two give him advice on his grammar and writing structure! And only that! Shocking! 

Well pain, there will be plenty of advice givers here for you, and I imagine most will say pretty much the same thing. Even those two sarcastic twits above, they are both good advice givers. The general gist of what you need to do won't be what you want to do. But really, I mean really really, it is the only way forward.

And you do need to be strong! 

You need to be prepared to let her go to save your marriage and to NOT become a doormat. Doormats are not attractive. You need to be prepared to let her go because those who care least about the relationship hold the most power over it. Also, you don't want her to go....she will then have the power to continue as she pleases while you are scared of pushing her away - this would be the best route to really push her away. 

The best route to hold on to her is to have a think about what you want and what you need. How would you envisage your happy relationship? Her not going out alone anymore? She has shown herself to be a danger to herself, to you, to your marriage. She needs to NOT go out alone anymore. She needs to make it up to you, she needs to be upset that she might lose you through her action (if she is not upset then you know how she really feels about you, and do you want to be a partner in love with someone who doesn't love you?) she needs to show through actions that she will do anything to keep you. She has given up Facebook...that's a start. She has written a NC letter/text, ok. You basically need to lay down the law now about her ridiculous 'freedom' whines. 

Freedom is NOT going out to meat market bars and getting drunk. While your husband is at home babysitting. Freedom is never as shallow as that. If she wants to act single, she needs to go and be single. 

It is tricky to know exactly what to tell you here to male your penny drop. I hope other posters will put it more eloquently than I will....I am sure they will. But basically you have to man up. She has s*at all over you and you need to stand up for yourself now. If you do not she will perceive you as weak, pathetic, and she will feel righteous in her wish to carry on doing as she pleases. If you stand up to her, you will be perceived as strong, strength is attractive in a man, and she will have to come down from her ridiculous stance to please you, to get you to take her back. That is what you need to do.

Man up and stand up for you, for your child (children?) and your family.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Ohhh, I do hope I haven't fallen for JB! I thought I was pretty good at spotting the trolls! 

pain, are you a troll?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ing said:


> JB?


Even if, this is a soul in torment.

OP, you need IC. And get checked for STDs, just to be on the safe side.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> Ohhh, I do hope I haven't fallen for JB! I thought I was pretty good at spotting the trolls!
> 
> pain, are you a troll?


It doesn't matter, Remains. Your advice still stands and will be appreciated by the OP or someone else who, in terrible pain, stumbles on your answer and finds solace in it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow,
What is it, the harvest moon sending all these wives out to screw their marriages up?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Wow,
> What is it, the harvest moon sending all these wives out to screw their marriages up?


And all those husbands, too...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I have a question for op to ask himself?

What will she have to do to make this right and make this work?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I'm sorry but this kills me, she was too drunk to drive home so she stayed the night to do the other man a few more times?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't think this is a troll. But i've been wrong before. I don't think this is JB's style either


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

And what will you do if she is pregnant?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You are just in the initial stage, want to have her back. Now you have her, maybe and reality is now setting in, SHE DESTROYED YOUR MARRIAGE!

1. Do not have sex with her until she and you are tested for STD's, protect yourself.
2. Get her to write out a Timeline so that you know all that occured.
3. Get a VAR or several and hide them to monitor her.
4. Tell her what you expect of her and write it out so that she can see it. These are the requirements if we are going to R
5. See an attorney for an initial consultation on Divorce, Know your options.
6.Make sure you expose this affair to her family, yours.
7. Let her know she put her children at risk by taking them to a strangers house and possibly putting them in DANGER. (Leaving a 3 year old in a Strange Man's house, and exposing her to be known by someone who has little or no morals who would sleep with another man's wife, what else would he do?) Sorry this really irritates me that his wife would also expose a baby to a sexual predator. Yeah, anyone who sleeps with another person's spouse and they know it is a sexual predator in my book.
8. From what you have written you are in for a lot of emotional pain. Make sure you take care of yourself, exercise, eat right.
9. Give your wife the article on Forgiveness it tells what she has done to the marriage and maybe it will help to open her eyes.
10. Make sure NC and have your wife write a NC letter and mail it. Read it yourself and you mail it! Don't trust her to do it as she has proven she cannot be trusted,
11. Listen to what others such as Warlock, MattMatt, Sara 8, Bandit, Moritori and others say from this site they have given good advise into others in this situation.
12. Good Luck


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Run! Run like the wind!! You will get to see your daughter.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Pain,
This list is excellent! These are all frequent recomendations here.
Being soft and indecisive at this point is like ignoring a rattle snake bite.
If you dont take firm and complete action, you will be hurting your wife, marriage and yourself. 

There is a poison in you wifes system and your marriage, she introduced it. 

On top of that you are in the worst possible emotional shape of your life to deal with it. 

Can you pull yourself together enough to be tough?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> I don't get it! This guy has just poured his heart out, looking for advice, and you two give him advice on his grammar and writing structure! And only that! Shocking!


Er no. 
It was hard to read. A lot of the regulars try and read all the posts. I just did a minor edit to make it easier to digest. Not intended to insult the OP. The poor guy hasn't slept for 36 hours, been there. Done that.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity.
> Didn't work this time.
> See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive.


She is not beutiful anymore. She is doing something that is very, very ugly. You need to stop seeing her as your friend and lover of 20 years. 


> I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this [cheating] was because i never let her just go out and party without me.


It was good that you set YOUR boundaries. 



> She said she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom".


Translation.
I was bored with you and I wanted the freedom to screw this guy or any other I chose and you said no. 




> --- wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her. She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children.
> I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life.


She better start looking for a job I think.



> She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing?


Had sex before that.



> I saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him.
> BOOM!!!!


They almost always try and reduce the affair. This is away worse than you think at the moment. I suspect it has been going on for some time.



> I think you call it D-Day here.I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him. I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House).


She has fallen in love. NOTHING she says to you is going to be the truth. If she looks you straight in the eye when she tells you something. It is a lie. Don't tell her you know this! 



> Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored.


Sounds like you exposed it. That is the best way to kill an affair! Well done!



> Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back. I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now." she responds she will be home tommorow.
> I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back. ]She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there,
> I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her)
> I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total collapse for forgiveness, she smiles.


You were telling her your wishes and she decided they were worth nothing. She is seeing you as a constant and has relegated you to "friend" status 



> A friend told me its a defensive mech for her. so i'm trying to look past it.


It isi not a defensive mechanism. It her wanting to bang her new love before coming "home" for as long as possible.



> I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone. she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom.


You can not rebuild at this stage. You need to look after yourself and your kid. That is your job right now. 



> When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter.
> He kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number.


She is doing what she needs to do to keep you on the high alert. She knows exactly how to manipulate you after being together 20 years. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS RUBBISH



> She was tore up however that she was hurting him.


And she will be back to him the first chance she gets.




> I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once.
> After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times.


and the rest. This is trickle truth. 



> Then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding


They never use a condom. Ever.



> i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure.


You need to start detaching, this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. 



> I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, she said sorry and i said not your fault (YES IT IS!!!). But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave.


She already has left. You let her back to have a rest. 



> I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her and your kids need there mother.


Seh WILL do it again. She is "in love" She will find it almost impossible to give this guy up this easily.



> ~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck..


That is awful. I suggest you don't do that...

Advice. Here and now the most important thing is for you to get in control of your raging emotions. Don't make any hasty moves. Dont decide anything right now.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE

Eat something healthy even if it is only soup.

You also need to get out and exercise [for two reasons].
At the moment your body is being flooded with adrenalin since your fight , flight, freeze, response is being triggered . 

You need to clear the byproducts of it. [It's the tinny blood taste in your mouth] Exercise will push it through fast. Don't drink too much coffee. No alcohol and no drugs 

Oily fish has been proven to reduce stress by 30%. Eat some. 
Tuna. Salmon. 

You also need sleep. Ask her to sleep in another room if you are triggering around her [ you are] Exercise will help with that too.

I am so sorry you are here. Many of us have been where you are now and I will say it does get better, but it takes a long time. For now you need to be the best Dad you can be. Your daughter needs you to be healthy. You are going to be her rock. Starting now 

Do not focus on your wife. Let her do what she is going to do. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HER DESIRES AND WISHES. 

You already know she has had sex multiple times with this guy. 

Focus on you
Focus on your kid.
Focus on YOUR immediate and urgent needs.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This isn’t going to end well.

You are married to a Narcissist and the affair isn’t over, not by a long shot. Dollars to donuts she is going to sleep with him again within the next month or so because she is so damn selfish.

It sounds like she is a horrible wife even without the A. Marriage doesn’t have to be this way, I vote for GTFO ASAP. There’s no goshdarn way I would even consider staying with someone like that no matter what she looks like. 

She doesn’t really love you or want to be with you, she is just afraid of losing her lifestyle. You are being used dude, no question.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Paragraphs are your friend. Add some line breaks so that your post will be more readable


This....and holy cra*!!!








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I am very, very sorry that you are here. There is no good thing that is going to come out of this. You are screwed if you keep her or throw her out. Listen to the advice that you have been given and ACT on it. Keep posting on the forum to keep us updated. You might want to read "The Married Mans guide to Sex" but read the last two chapters first because they relate to you right now. Bye David


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

*Pain,

This is going to be rough but you need to hear it:

Want to know why your wife slept with another man? Because your don't act like one.*

*Your wife disrespected you in the worst way imaginable (had unprotected sex with another man while YOUR CHILD was in the other room) and you not only immediately took her back (see points 1 and 2 below), you told her it wasn't her fault (point 3)!*

*Now, want to know the only way you can -- possibly -- fix your marriage? Start acting like a man. That means, stop being a pansy (points 4, 5 and 6), treating her like a princess (point 7) and accepting her excuses (points 8, 9 and 10) or making excuses for her (point 11).*




painremembers said:


> o.k. so the title is partialy misleading. sorry but your reading , right? I need help here, we all have sob stories,,...... here's mine. Honestly after 2 nights of no sleep and typing this on night 3 I just hope its comprehendable. I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity. Didn't work this time. _*(11) See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive.*_ Add on top of that that several times I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this was because i never let her just go out and party (without me). Sorry, she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom". Now I'm not a wealthy man, average by this economy. _*(7) Everything we've ever done was for her. It gave me pride to give her new kitchen, new bathrooms, new furniture, new carpet and wood floor. wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her.*_ She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children. I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life. She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing? i saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him. BOOM!!!! I think you call it D-Day here. *(1) I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him.* I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House). Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored. Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back. _*(2) I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now."*_ she responds she will be home tommorow. I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back. She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there, I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her), I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. _*(8) She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total callapse for forgivness, she smiles. A freind told me its a defensive mech for her.*_ _*(4) **so i'm trying to look past it. I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone.*_ _*(9) she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom.*_ When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter. he kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number. _*(10) She was tore up however that she was hurting him.*_ I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once. After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times. then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding KIDDING!!!! _*(5) after all this, i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure.*_ I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, _*(3) she said sorry and i said not your fault*_ (YES IT IS!!!). _*(6) But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave. I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her*_ and your kids need there mother.
> 
> ~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck......



*You are delusional about your wife's motives. She's not naive; she knew what she wanted and she went out and got it -- a number of times. The question is, do you know what you want and are you prepared to do what it takes to get it?*

*If you want to have any chance of rebuilding your marriage, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO END IT AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR TO YOUR WIFE. DavidWYoung's advice that you read "The Married Mans guide to Sex" would be a good place to start. Another thing you need to do is consult with a good family lawyer to know what your rights are and what to do and not do to protect your rights (like not moving out of your house or giving her any excuse to call the police). Also, be as rational as you can be and avoid giving in to your emotions (this is the hardest part).*

*On the other hand, if you want to stay married at any cost, just keep doing what your doing and hope that your wife will be content to spend the rest of her life with a man who has no self-respect (she probably won't, given what she's done already).*

*Our species is the result of millions of years of evolutionary pressure. As a result, most women want the same thing: a man who **has lots of self-esteem, **who has a strong sex drive and who is a good provider. You seem to have the third qualification. You need to demonstrate the first for your marriage to have any chance and, eventually, the third if it is to be lasting.*

*The ball is in your court, Pain. Good luck.*

*
PS: A few final pieces of advice. (1) Be careful what and how frequently you post on sites like this. Anything you say can be used against you if discovered by your wife. (2) Understand that many of the people who post on sites like this are mainly voyeurs who delight in observing (and sometimes even causing) others' misery. Be careful whose advice you take.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Decorum said:


> I'm sorry but this kills me, she was too drunk to drive home so she stayed the night to do the other man a few more times?


I can see that happening, to be honest.

DWI is illegal. FWI is not.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

oh brother, you need to step away from this for a while to get your thoughts together. Move her out of the house now. file for D do the 180 for your own protection. She needs to feel the consequences of her betrayal. she needs personal IC and so do you. if you lst her come back and rug sweep this it will happen again, dont let her tears or anyone else deter you from acting like a man.

she needs to feel like she has lost you to understand even a little of what she has done. You can do things right now and suffer this pain or you can rug sweep and suffer a lot more added pain


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Your wife disrespected you in the worst way imaginable


I would have to argue with that. There are worst ways than that. We have seen them reported by distressed BS on TAM.

However, this is high up on the scale.

She also disrespected your child.

What would she have done if the poor little mite had awoken in a strange place and started crying for her mother? 

Shouted: "Don't worry, honey! Mommy's coming!" And then tried to disentangle herself from her lover before her child found her?

Talk about callous!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jeffery said:


> oh brother, you need to step away from this for a while to get your thoughts together. Move her out of the house now. File for d do the 180 for your own protection. She needs to feel the consequences of her betrayal. She needs personal ic and so do you. If you lst her come back and rug sweep this it will happen again, dont let her tears or anyone else deter you from acting like a man.
> 
> She needs to feel like she has lost you to understand even a little of what she has done. You can do things right now and suffer this pain or you can rug sweep and suffer a lot more added pain


*do not leave the house!!!!*


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Well to me sounds like you still want to be married to your wife. I understand that unconditional love you have for her. You obviously enjoy that security that marriage brings. My only suggestion is to consider having an open marriage with your wife. She wants to have the freedom to see other people. If you cant beat them join them. You might now want other people but she does. Make some flexible rules for her to where you both get what you want. She will have time to go out and do her but most of her time will be spent being your wife and a mother to your kids. If you can handle hearing her &#tty stories when she gets home you will ultimately still have the wife and mother you want at your home. But if you are not MAN enough to share or want your wifes happiness then divorce her. Dont think for one minute that this thing with this guy is over, ITS NOT OVER..


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

MatMat
DWI is illegal. FWI is not.
Trying not to LOL here,... oops I failed.

Pain,
Most of this is good advise and standard opperating procedures, you need to take it to heart!
I think the open marriage thing is tongue in cheak, meaning she already considers herself in an open marriage obviously.

Yes the hicky- they had sex then, she could not hide it. 

She is nowhere near done with this behavior!
How do you feel about your wife of 20 years lying to you about what she is doing, dont you deserve better?

The next few days are critical, you will lose an important window of opportunity if you drag your feet here.

If you keep this thread updated there are many good people with the same experience as you here, that have seen what works and what does not. They will stick with you here if you just update and reply.
You are really going to need this my friend, there are so many pitfalls you are not aware of yet.
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Well to me sounds like you still want to be married to your wife. I understand that unconditional love you have for her. You obviously enjoy that security that marriage brings. My only suggestion is to consider having an open marriage with your wife. She wants to have the freedom to see other people. If you cant beat them join them. You might now want other people but she does. Make some flexible rules for her to where you both get what you want. She will have time to go out and do her but most of her time will be spent being your wife and a mother to your kids. If you can handle hearing her &#tty stories when she gets home you will ultimately still have the wife and mother you want at your home. But if you are not MAN enough to share or want your wifes happiness then divorce her. Dont think for one minute that this thing with this guy is over, ITS NOT OVER..


Are you suggesting he becomes a ****?

Gross!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you even consider taking her back after this? Shedding just cheat and get caught, she went on sex bender with this loser, clainmed to want to come home, but only after a couple more rounds with the OM?

Really?

You should just dump her out, and ill tell you why, because she must absolutely hate your guts to have done what she did, the way she did it.

There isn't a wife her to bring back home. She's no longer in any kind of relationship with you.

If she had come home after dday, then there would be hope, but not with her taking an extra night to spend in his bed.

My advice dump her, cut her off financially, and go find a much better woman to share your life with.

Btw, I doubt this is her first affair. It's just the first you found out about.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sigh...another spoiled, entitled princess.

Please do not allow your wife to take your 3 yr. old daughter out of the house again.

She is endangering her life by taking her to a strange man's home. How do you know he is not a sex offender or pedophile?


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Are you suggesting he becomes a ****?
> 
> Gross!


Definition of **** please:scratchhead:


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## painremembers (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm new here, I'm not sure what a JB is? Still learning the acronyms. As far as the grammer,..... well yea ummm. the "cliff note" did bring a smile though. Good news is I think my body shorted out last night. got in 3 hrs before getting kids off to school. She is in shower. I Will be back on tonight when I have time to read the replies (THANK YOU!!!). Just wanted to drop in and see if the world was still out there.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

painremembers said:


> I'm new here, I'm not sure what a JB is? Still learning the acronyms. As far as the grammer,..... well yea ummm. the "cliff note" did bring a smile though. Good news is I think my body shorted out last night. got in 3 hrs before getting kids off to school. She is in shower. I Will be back on tonight when I have time to read the replies (THANK YOU!!!). Just wanted to drop in and see if the world was still out there.


JB(whatever...) was a poster who trolled this forum with his/her stories.


Dont be afraid to lose her. That fear is holding you back from making rational long term decisions.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Definition of **** please:scratchhead:


Cuckold - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## painremembers (Oct 11, 2012)

Alright, sorry about spelling and grammer. Havnt slept much and none yet tonight. We've been up all night talking to try and find answers. First off I will admit I have been extremely overprotective of her from the start. Stems from a fear of not trusting woman.First love broke my heart. Let me hold on to something because I can only imagine the things I'll hear back......... Now i'll share tonight

We discussed that a big part of why she did this was because i NEVER realy did just let her go out. That doesnt excuse what she did and I told her that. BUT I will admit HERE that she's right I was VERY overprotective. I didn't tell her that, I told her "of course I was and now you know why". I also told her She had options (talking, therapy, anything) she also admits she screwed up those options. She says she was afraid to talk to me because she knew she would lose. I win most of our arguements, because I can find a hole and make it a cavern. It kept her home and me a sense of security.

She did admit that she's confused. She say she thinks she did this mainly out of spite because i never really let her live her life (as an indavidual) and a small part was the newness (butterflies in stomach) I call it new meat syndrom. Again, *to you guys*..... she's right. We hooked up straite out of high school and i've always been overprotective, like questioning her "why do you have to out without me, what do you need to hide?" and then we would go as a couple. *I told her* I can understand your spite and maybe even rationalize the the whole new meat butterflies thing for the first time. But, were not talking about a one time fling you kept going back and there's no excuse for it.

She said the times it happened after our fight was because she was scared and distraught. When she was there with him After our big fight, she said she was wrecked and felt safe. She said feeling comforted and loved that led to holding hugging and more. She also said it didnt help with the feeling of freedom he offered her. I understand, but again doesn't make it right. I offered her no opinion on that one.

Then we discussed the 2 more times after she promised to come home. She said I'm not going to lie. I WAS sick and drunk. But after crying for hours I felt better. I stayed there because I didn't know how to tell him, I was now going to crush his heart now too and i was so sick of hurting people. I said "explain the sex though" and she said "I hate to admit it, but I wanted my cake and eat it to". "I had allready decided I wanted to come home but i knew that once there I would never feel this freedom and excitment again" "I was being selfish"

we talked about, do you love him? she said "I don't think that I do love him, it was more the idea of being in a relationship where I'm free and not caged up" After much more debate on that she said I don't know what I want. thats why i need a profesional to help me. I know i love you because every second he wasn't there all I could think about was you, and even when he was there I wasn't focusing on him but constantly comparing him to you. She said I need help because I'm so frigg'n confused right now. I dont know if I want you or him, well more like the idea and freedom with him or if i need to just be by myself.

I told her well if it's Mr freedom or yourself I'm not sticking around. I'm better than that, and I deserve far better than this. I could see the fear in her eye's. she said "your right". I also told her to stop telling me she's in to repairing our marraige 110% when she doesnt even know what she wants. she agreed and said she's hoping the counseler can help her sort it out.

Several time's she said she loves me and only me but she's torn because I was so controling. So I have been as stern as my heart can muster. I told her when she left "I found my feet and i will not be walked on again" I told her a part of me still wants her, but I defsnitly don't need her. I also told her it would hurt but I can and will go on without her.

She asked if i can wait untill we/she talks to the counsler....

So start the head smashing. While I may not have shared this with her, is it possible that she was acting out of rebelion and anger and spite? not that it makes any of it right and she knows that. But I have always known I was a control freak and it probobly doesnt help that her father was the same way. 

lastly, someone asked "what would it take to forgive her, what would i need for that",.... good question, because i don't know.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Per your last post, If you believe all the fertilizer that just came out of your wife's mouth, I have a bridge to sell you it is a great buy.

1. She stated she went because you did not want her to have a GNO ( Girl's Night Out). If you have read any of these threads you see that a GNO is a major problem with women who have the lack of ethics that your wife has. As evident she went, saw, decided to get naked and have sex with another guy that she wasn't married to. So you not wanting her to go was an issue? Maybe because you knew in your heart you could not trust her. 

Also, what does this say about her that she has an excuse for her doing it, note no Remorse, but she is justifiying her behaviour. DON'T BE A FOOL AND LET HER GET AWAY WITH THIS!

2. She had the opportunity to leave, she chose to stay on that night so do not put this on yourself. SHE DID IT!

3. Per your post she has little if no Remorse. She is not committed to this marriage and if you take her back with her in this mood you will be going through this again and again until the 2 X 4 hits you in the head and you understand that this woman has little if any morals and understanding of what it takes to make a marriage and is using you.

Good Luck. Myself, in this situation, I would be seeing an Attorney today and getting the papers filled out, splitting my assets and getting prepared for life as a Single Parent. THIS WOMAN IS NOT WORTH IT.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm very sorry your dealing with this. 

However, my husband has never kept me inside the home against my will. If I want to go "party", by all means I'll go. In fact, I'm making plans to leave for a weekend, possibly out of state to meet a friend I met online. My best friend and I have had 2 other meet ups in the past. Last time I went to CA to meet my friend. I'm allowed to leave at any moment and my husband will stay home with the kids. However, I do NOT cheat. I never would.

Once someone cheats, this changes everything. There are no more alone outings.

Whatever you do, don't sugar coat this and rug sweep it. Deal with this situation head on. If my husband ever cheated, I'm outta here ASAP! I do not forgive cheaters. My ex h cheated on me and never quit. I was so happy to be done with that chapter in my life. There is no marriage when there's no trust.

They make lamb skin condoms and latex free to stop the irritation. I'm allergic to condoms and we used the latex free for years. So, there is NO excuse not to use a condom.:/.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

painremembers said:


> "I hate to admit it, but I wanted my cake and eat it to"
> 
> "I was being selfish"


You ask whether or not she could be acting out of anger,rebellion and spite.I think she pretty much answered that in her own words. The level of the betrayal for her own selfish needs is kind of mind-boggling when you consider instead of going home when she had the opportunity to mitigate an already grievous infidelity she chose instead to throw more gas on the fire.I feel bad for you and the situation you're in,but I would be very careful in your considerations on whether or not to attempt R.Personally,I don't even know how you can get over her taking your young daughter to OM's and then leaving her alone while she had sex.Whatever you do I wish you well and hope you make the right decisions for your own best interests because obviously they haven't been a consideration to her and that's not love in my book.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, you need to be a man. You love this woman to smithereens, but she doesn't respect you. It was right of you to draw boundaries, but you took her back very easily. She probably feels she can walk all over you now and all she'll get is a few weeks of silent treatment.

Purchase the book "not just friends" - it helped a bunch with my relationship. Some guy on it cheated on his wife because she was too good of a wife. YOU ARE A GEM!

You can do better than this. She is NOT the victim - YOU are.

My boyfriend treats me the same way you treat your wife. At times I feel entitled and have to tell myself just how good I have it. When he puts his foot down about a serious issue, I respect him for it, because he normally lets me have my way.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

My God man! What's wrong with you!. There is NO excuse for cheating. PERIOD! You didn't make her DO anything. Cheating is a choice. It is a choice SHE made. STOP ACCEPTING ANY BLAME. 

Find a backbone and some self respect and tell this owman she has one choice now. She takes full reposnsibility for her actions and she proves to you she can be a loyakl trustworthy wife. 

If you don't get absolute remorse, cut yur losses and move on. This will happen again.

Good luck!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

WOW - she's cheated and it's your fault because you didn't let her have freedom to go out and drink and party alone.

Really ? That is complete and TOTAL crap. 

She wants to go out and date is what she is saying. She wants to go to bars, drink, meet guys and hook up. That's what she is saying.

And she's saying she cheated because you wouldn't let her have freedom to cheat.

What a total pile of crap she's feeding you.

please stop buying it.

And then there is the rest of the lies - she was drunk and sick so she couldn't come home -yet she was able to get in the mood to have sex numerous times for hours? 

Sorry, but I've never met a woman who was in the mood for sex, repeatedly, after drinking and being sick from it. No way - they just want to go crash and sleep it off.

The truth is you've been played hard. The OM is laughing not crying. He nailed a selfish princess and when he was done with her she went home to the guy who will accept the blame for her cheating, and will continue to pay her bills, keep a roof over her head.

You're wife has ZERO remorse, and cheaters without remorse WILL, not might, but WILL cheat again. So I think you're going to find yourself reliving this experience again and again if you do not fully deal with it now.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

So in order to be with her she is going to get more freedom, alone night and GNOs but you know now what she will be doing on these GNOs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ing said:


> JB?





Remains said:


> Ohhh, I do hope I haven't fallen for JB! I thought I was pretty good at spotting the trolls!
> 
> pain, are you a troll?


Who is JB???


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The frequent adage here is that both spouses are responsible for building a bad marriage, but only the cheater is responsible for the cheating. Pain, you are certainly co-responsible for your crappy marriage. You both were young and naive when you got together, and both of you lack(ed) skill in having a healthy relationship.

But, she alone made the choice to cheat. You were in the same crappy marriage as she was, but you did not cheat.

OK so you are trying to figure out why she cheated. You are trying to diagnose what you did wrong. That is ok. Figure out your mistakes so you don't repeat them. But your mistakes only helped drive the marriage to the edge of the cliff. She all by herself pushed it over the cliff without your knowledge or consent or assistance.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you are here.

But be very careful. She has convinced herslef of the (likely false) reality that your "controling" ways are the reason she cheated.

As you know from reading here pretty much all cheaters say there spouse is controlling. It rationalizes sick behaviour.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Who is JB???


JB was a troll who started umpteen number of threads on here a couple of months or more ago.His username has become somewhat synonymous with troll for a lot of posters.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Quick question.. were you doing her nails, giving her a massage and hand feeding grapes into her mouth while she blamed all this $hit on you?

These entitled fu<king princesses make me sick.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Sorry about the early troll warning. In one way I was reallly, really hoping that you were a troll. This is an awful situation and I wish it were not true.

We know you love her. We loved our partners too.
We know you want to believe her. We wanted to believe our partners.
We know that this hurts, it hurt us too.
We know that she is in pain, our partners were in pain too, and that hurts.
The things you are being told are to protect you from endless and continuing pain. 
She has very little respect for you and if it is ever to come back you need to feel some self respect. You need to look at this from 10,000 feet. You need to stand back and see it for what it is.

So here are the notes I made in my head as I read your story.

You have looked after her, protected her from the world in a quiet way. 
She has seen this as a constant and relegated you to a family member. 
You are the father of the children, the provider and that is about it at the moment. 
You are not her lover anymore, she has probably been going through the motions of sex for months, if not years. 
She gradually detached from you, as her lover, going to GNO and building this second happy life with you in the background. You have been doing a lot for "no obvious charge" for a long time You love your kids, you love your family and you love the "us""

She loves her family. She loves you as the Father of her children and provider, she loves her kids, but she does not love you as a lover. 

You and the rest of the planet can not separate that out , but I can assure you, that she can! 

What do you do?

You have kids, you are going to have to see this woman for the rest of your life, you are going to have to engage with her as the Mother of your children. Not a lover. Not a friend, because friends don't do this to each other.

Go and see your Dr, get some meds for anxiety and sleep. You need to be detached and that will help with everything. Seriously ,get drugged up. She is.

Entitled princess? 
Yes, and she doesn't know it yet! If you are going to have any relationship with her things have to change. She has to grow up, not act like a teenager.
Take responsibility for herself and that includes going to work.

You should read No More Mr Nice Guy and look at yourself. This will be hard. 
Good luck. Stay calm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Well to me sounds like you still want to be married to your wife. I understand that unconditional love you have for her. You obviously enjoy that security that marriage brings. My only suggestion is to consider having an open marriage with your wife. She wants to have the freedom to see other people. If you cant beat them join them. You might now want other people but she does. Make some flexible rules for her to where you both get what you want. She will have time to go out and do her but most of her time will be spent being your wife and a mother to your kids. If you can handle hearing her &#tty stories when she gets home you will ultimately still have the wife and mother you want at your home. But if you are not MAN enough to share or want your wifes happiness then divorce her. Dont think for one minute that this thing with this guy is over, ITS NOT OVER..


Nope. Doesn't work. And the OP is MAN enough as he is, OK?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Definition of **** please:scratchhead:





> If you can handle hearing her &#tty stories when she gets home you will ultimately still have the wife and mother you want at your home. But if you are not MAN enough to share


That sounds pretty much like a reasonable definition. Wouldn't you say?:scratchhead:


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Pain,
This woman is a total cake eater!
She sits there and says she wants you but you call her on it and she says she is confused. If you hadnt called her on it she would have let you believe she wanted you. She wants her life not you and she wants freedom to screw around too.

This 'I need professional help is her get out of jail free card" all she has to do is agree to counselling and she is back in, dont buy it.

This is almost as bad as it gets, and for most men would be a deal breaker. Dont for a moment buy that "you are controlling crap".
How bad of behavor can she justify with that line, dont dont buy it!!

Listen to shagy above he has seen this crap over and again.

My advise;
Hard consequences.

You file for divorce, (you have til it final to change you mind)
Seperate bedrooms
she is on lockdown
During this time she is showing you what she will do to make it work, there is no promise from you, just her actions showinh true remorse.
you start learning the 180 and buy the book Married Mans Sex Life
if she does not like it she can go to om and you will divorce her, she will learn the hard way then, she is aready stained by him anyway. She will regret it im sure.

If she does not feel the pain of consequences she will never have true remorse and you will be right back here again and the hate in you home until then will palpable.

Do you have any idea the stages of grief and mourning you are about to go through?

You will not even know if the marrage can be saved until you go through some of these.

She has had it to easy since she has come home, you are waitng on her with bated breath for her to decide and figure it out, who she wants and what she wants, that has to STOP today!!!

You are now in the drivers seat an you control the narrative and future of the relationship.

What if she threatens to go back to the other man, or will not get over him.

You have to begin to emotionally detach from her to make good choices for you and you kid (OMG What she did, taking your child a symbol of your love and union together, over to his house and ignore your daughter to Fck him, can you hear the om saying to his buddies "yea she left this guy brought his daughter over, left her on the floor and fcked my brains out, she thinks I'm heartbroken i bet she will be back, she is a hot one!!!)

I'm sorry but if you dont act you will reret it eventually.

The other posters will suggest some steps of action I'm sure but it will not be easy- so be strong!

Take care


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Her is a post you might read.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html

This woman had a ONS after a GNO, Her marriage was perfect she was an unlikely canddidate for this. But she was a good girl and wanted to act out the slvt. Her husband handled it perfectly, just the way we would suggest here and he had the choice to take her back under his terms or not. (that is what you must have) 
He chose not, and this woman did far less and was far less trashy that you wife has been, she was immediately discusted and remorseful and confessed everything to him when he got back from his business trip. She has some real character in spite of her failure. You wife is showing NONE of these.

Do the right things here!
Take care!


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