# Insecurities and jealousy.



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Please don’t judge. I am looking for others who understand or anyone who has advice. 

I have a few different posts on here that you can read.

Due to past, and current, issues with my boyfriend…I am severely insecure around other women when he talks to them. I feel like anytime he’s talking to another female that he’s flirting or is attracted to them. I do not know how ti word it any other way.

Our relationship is very stable and he’s finally opened up and started telling me he loves me. But due to last flirting and some things he has said to me that were hurtful, I always feel like I’m not enough for him. Even though he tells me the exact opposite…that I am “enough” for him. I’ve never asked him that. He has just told me in conversations when I’ve told him I don’t feel he is into this relationship as much as I am.

All I know to do is try to build my confidence. The big problem is when we are at his house, we are always around his family (they all live across the street (acreage/ranches) and his nephew and his fiancé come over a lot. She, the nephew’s fiancé, seems to constantly make eye contact with my boyfriend and to me she carries herself different when he walks in the room. He seems to notice (I am always watching, and do my best not to make it obvious).

He acts like he doesn’t care for her (when he brings her up), but my X husband also acted like he couldn’t stand my friend (and next door neighbor) he left me for in 2007. 

I do not want to stress this jealousy issue I have to him. He will think I’m nuts and it will make for uncomfortableness when we are around her. 

For example, right now he’s across the street working cows and his nephew was out there earlier….but I keep looking out the window to see if she has walked outside too. 

This is no way to live. I want to be able to relax and not worry about who he’s talking to. Especially his nephew’s fiancé who is 18 yrs younger.

Please no ugly comments. Just wondering if there are others who struggle with this type of crap and how do you handle it?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Have you tried to get some counselling for your self esteem issues. I really think it would help.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

You were warned repeatedly about this guy.
You need to find someone compatible with you.

In the past I've struggled with insecurities and jealousy, and I've fought it and tried to be understanding and loving. Then she screwed half the platoon.

Now I have somebody that is _WORTH_ my trust. That's the issue here.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He already told you he isn’t attracted to you, is extremely flirty with younger woman, has ED when trying to have sex with you, has difficulty telling you he loves you ……all from your other threads.

You are anxious because you know by his own words and actions that y’all relationship isn’t built on anything worth a dang and he will very likely do a repeat performance of your ex husband.

If you want to put in a bunch of work to better yourself then you are doing it for the wrong partner. Find someone worth the effort.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You were warned repeatedly about this guy.
> You need to find someone compatible with you.
> 
> In the past I've struggled with insecurities and jealousy, and I've fought it and tried to be understanding and loving. Then she screwed half the platoon.
> ...


He’s not done anything. I feel a lot of it is my insecurities where most women wouldn’t be paying attention to the interactions so closely as I do. It’s like I’m obsessed and can’t relax.
There is so much more to this relationship. I’m very close to his family. They treat me like I’m his wife. He mostly treats me the same. 


I sadly feel like I need all of his attention when we are around others…and I know that not reasonable. I don’t want to feel this way.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

For what it’s worth we have a family girlfriend in about the same position as you…..8 years later she still hates herself for staying.

Don’t be our friend…. cut the rope


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> He already told you he isn’t attracted to you, is extremely flirty with younger woman, has ED when trying to have sex with you, has difficulty telling you he loves you ……all from your other threads.
> 
> You are anxious because you know by his own words and actions that y’all relationship isn’t built on anything worth a dang and he will very likely do a repeat performance of your ex husband.
> 
> If you want to put in a bunch of work to better yourself then you are doing it for the wrong partner. Find someone worth the effort.


This. 

People keep telling you this, but you aren't interested in listening. 

You aren’t interested in leaving the relationship. 

As such, you will continue to feel this way.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TXSDR said:


> He’s not done anything. I feel a lot of it is my insecurities where most women wouldn’t be paying attention to the interactions so closely as I do. It’s like I’m obsessed and can’t relax.
> There is so much more to this relationship. I’m very close to his family here. They treat me like I’m his wife. He mostly treats me the same.
> 
> He’s moody. He has low testosterone. We rarely have sex. Once in the last month…granted he’s home during the week. THAT WEARS ON ME!!!!! He’s been more affectionate this past few days. I’ve heard I Love You quite a few times in the last few days (for a nice change). He’s cuddled more at night. But still only sex once since Monday. I need the sex to feel closer.
> ...


I replied to one of your other threads about what I believed was this very issue -- I believe it's mostly YOU and YOUR emotional insecurities that are causing all your fear and pain. I think you are putting too much pressure on him and your relationship, and you are hurting yourself.

I have ALOT of experience with insecurities and fears, and that's why I believe I am seeing it in how you describe your relationships and his actions.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’ve commented in your other thread in the past. Why are you still with this guy? Do you feel you owe him for all the years you ignored him? You don’t.

I think also counseling would help with your own insecure issues. Your entire sense of self worth for some reason, is wrapped up in this guy/relationship.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> He’s not done anything.


Recently. Including helping you with your insecurities.



TXSDR said:


> He’s moody. He has low testosterone. We rarely have sex. Once in the last month…granted he’s home during the week. THAT WEARS ON ME!!!!!


And a few "I Love You"''s are enough to make you forget about this? For the rest of your life?

Everybody has insecurities. Everybody has moments when they aren't perfect. But when you're with the right person they understand and help you through those. And you would help him through those if he had them too.

My current wife knows that sometimes the earth is tilted just right and my past causes me to have doubts. She understands and helps me though those.

She also is not perfect and when the new girl at church glances my way, my wife clings to me and I _better_ cling right back. She needs some reinforcement for a while. Not a problem.

Some people may not need that. But for the rest of us, having _the right_ spouse who knows an responds to what you need is critical.

You, @TXSDR do not have that. So your insecurities and doubts just continue to snowball.

Do you need therapy to overcome some issues...yea, probably. But that won't make him the right guy. You'll just realize it yourself instead of needing other people to help you see it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

When you're with someone you care about and you pour out your heart to them, your feelings, '_exposing every weakness however carefully hidden_'... and they don't return it in equal measure? You'll find that you are eventually empty. And they will walk away unscathed.

It's natural to be insecure and crave some validation while that life suction is happening. The trick is to not get in that position. Get with someone who is into you as much as you are into him. Get now or '_one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun._' Many here are telling you to run.


Congratulations to those who got the Pink Floyd references.
I'm in a mood.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> They treat me like I’m his wife. *He mostly treats me the same*.


Can you tell us how he treats you like you're his wife? Examples?

I had a quick look at some of your other threads and it doesn't sound like how a good husband would treat his wife. Drop this dud and find a man who makes you feel like you're the only woman in the world. Imagine that feeling.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's an old saying that says just because you're paranoid, that doesn't mean they're not out to get you. 

You may have insecurity and trust issues. But just because you have insecurity and trust issues, that doesn't mean that you should actually feel secure and trust this guy because it sounds like he is not that trustworthy or that he is really doing anything to make the relationship solid and secure.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s the guy from 8 years ago? Move on. He’s not the obe


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t think you’ll find too many posters here in your situation. Give therapy a try (or find a new therapist if you’re already seeing one because it’s apparently not helping). Trust can be very difficult to regain after you’ve been burned. Some people never are able to — even when the situation’s much different than what you’re dealing with. But you’re determined to stay so my suggestion is you need to really work on you (he’ll have to deal with his own issues in his own time — if that’s what he chooses to do).


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

This is no way to live. Something inside you does not trust this guy for whatever reason and you need to listen to what your gut is telling you. You’re picking up on something because this issue is just not going away.

I would definitely go forward with the idea of counseling. You need to know if this is an issue with yourself or not and then if it is, you can work on this. We are all built with an internal warning system that picks up on things that we won’t consciously see. You’ll get a feeling about someone but you can’t put your finger on why you are feeling the way you are. You just know there is something off.

You two are not a good match.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TXSDR said:


> Please don’t judge. I am looking for others who understand or anyone who has advice.
> 
> I have a few different posts on here that you can read.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are so miserable. Have you ever talked to the nephew and just asked stuff about his fiance, you know, just acting interested about her? Maybe you'd find out something. And without saying anything, it would open a dialogue for the future. Like if it's not unusual for you to just act interested in what she's about, then it wouldn't be unusual if you did ever see her follow your husband outside to just mention it to the nephew casually, not accusatorily. 

You know, when you said he said that you are "enough" for him, that reminded me of the other time I've heard that word used. A friend had a negligent husband who just didn't really participate except financially, had his own (biggest room in the house) as an apartment, and just wasn't present mentally or physically for her or the kids when he was needed. When things came to a head, both her mom and I were asking her what was going on (he was trying to keep her from taking a job so that he didn't have to help at all and still held the power).  She was very close to divorce at that time, but at some point she told me dejectedly, "It's enough." 

She is simply one of those people who never liked to be on her own. So she stuck it out for awhile and then leaving became unavoidable and she is recently divorced. "Enough" isn't enough, really, is it? I mean, it's the bare minimum you are getting out of a relationship to hang in there instead of risk change. It's for people who wait for a disaster before they'll move on. 

I don't like it that you are right under his family's noses. He obviously has all the support and what do you have? But on the flip side, she and he are right there where you can see if anything is going on, so for now, I think observing instead of complaining is what you do, until and unless you see something when their guard is down that makes you certain there is an issue.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



Please no ugly comments. Just wondering if there are others who struggle with this type of crap and how do you handle it?

Click to expand...

*Desperation at ANY age isn't pretty.

OP, it's obvious you're willing to settle for being **** on over and over and over in order to desperately continue hanging onto this guy any way you can keep this prize. Are you still trying to pretend that there's ANY dignity and self-respect in doing that?

Because there isn't. Somewhere deep down, you know that.

If you're looking for people here to tell you how to disrespect yourself even *MORE* than you already are, it's going to be hard to find anyone foolish and irresponsible enough to encourage you to do that. But more so, I don't think you CAN disrespect yourself any more than you've already been doing. 

It's a real shame you're willing to literally sell off small pieces of your soul just to hang onto someone who wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I don’t think you’ll find too many posters here in your situation. Give therapy a try (or find a new therapist if you’re already seeing one because it’s apparently not helping). Trust can be very difficult to regain after you’ve been burned. Some people never are able to — even when the situation’s much different than what you’re dealing with. But you’re determined to stay so my suggestion is you need to really work on you (he’ll have to deal with his own issues in his own time — if that’s what he chooses to do).


I did go through an episode of jealousy that started when my wife and I went to a friend's wedding and she was jumping from group to group socializing and not introducing me to them. Once the jealousy gets triggered it's almost like you lose control of your feelings. Weird.

@TXSDR There really isn't anything you can do to get rid of the issue. Embrace it, understand that it IS your issue and that only YOU can change YOU. In my case, my fears were well founded but that is for another episode.

Having said the above, this is at the very least concerning: "[...]_She, the nephew’s fiancé, seems to constantly make eye contact with my boyfriend and to me she carries herself different when he walks in the room. He seems to notice_.[...]" That is called attraction. Be careful.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> I did go through an episode of jealousy that started when my wife and I went to a friend's wedding and she was jumping from group to group socializing and not introducing me to them. Once the jealousy gets triggered it's almost like you lose control of your feelings. Weird.
> 
> @TXSDR There really isn't anything you can do to get rid of the issue. Embrace it, understand that it IS your issue and that only YOU can change YOU. In my case, my fears were well founded but that is for another episode.
> 
> Having said the above, this is at the very least concerning: "[...]_She, the nephew’s fiancé, seems to constantly make eye contact with my boyfriend and to me she carries herself different when he walks in the room. He seems to notice_.[...]" That is called attraction. Be careful.


Were the well founded fears due to her having an affair? I sure hope not, for your sake.

Yes, the attraction on her part is noticable. BUT - I could be wrong all together.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Were the well founded fears due to her having an affair? I sure hope not, for your sake.
> 
> Yes, the attraction on her part is noticable. BUT - I could be wrong all together.


Oh yeah. I got serial cheated on by my XW.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Oh yeah. I got serial cheated on by my XW.


Damn. I'm sorry.


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