# Is Lack of sex & intimacy a reason for divorce



## SLO sandman (Sep 29, 2017)

I have been married for almost 7 years. During the dating and the 1st year, we had sex 2-3 times/day. It slowed to one time after that until about the 6th year, when it slowed to one time per week. In the 7th year, it is maybe once every two weeks. She went through menopause between 51-52 years of age 2 years into our marriage. I totally understand her lack of interest then, given the hot flashes and irritability during that time. After that period, she became sexual again, but never desirous of me. If I didn't initiate sex, it wouldn't happen. Whenever the rare occasion of sex comes up, she acts like it is a chore and accommodates me. I feel like I live with a roommate now and while I still love her, respect her and consider her one of the kindest people I know, I am not "in love" with her anymore. She's my best friend. I find myself interested in other women, but feel guilty expressing that. I have talked to her about this and suggested counseling, but she glosses it over and jokes that the honeymoon is over.

I went through a grueling divorce before I met her with property and custody battles that lasted 2 years into our marriage. My children were 1 and 3 during that divorce. This was a 1st marriage for her and she has no children. I think that being a mother or a step-mother wasn't high on her priorities when she was dating. I have had joint custody of the children for over 4 years and I think she doesn't enjoy the role of step-mother. I know this because I do everything for my children, including cooking, helping with schoolwork, related education necessities, sports, etc. The kids living with us may be one reason for her lack of interest in sex, although the only thing I can think of that has affected her with my kids being with us 50% of the time is the freedom to come and go as we please without considering the children. Also, cost of food, vacations, etc.

She has her own retail business that she works at 6 days/week. I help her when I can, because I am self employed, as well. Retail being a up and down with sale and expenses, it can be a source of stress. Her job before we married was an interior designer in NYC where she made an excellent wage and worked 5 days a week, 8 hours/day.

We don't commingle money and independence was a critical factor for her. We share household expenses, an arrangement we worked out in the beginning. Besides my own business, I am semi-retired, so I have more flexibility with time spent on the job because of partners in the business. They are 10-15 years younger then me and ambitious.

I have given some thought to leaving her, but I don't want to put her in a difficult financial position and a complicated adjustment. Selling a business and a high-end house can be challenging to deal with when a marriage ends.

I think I may still do that and take care of her financially and with the transition, whatever that may involve. She will have no trouble finding someone who doesn't have my sex drive because of her attractiveness, personality and kind nature. I have a number of woman who have expressed to me they would want to date me if I was ever single(7 years ago). After 7 years of marriage to my 3rd wife, I am not certain that is still the case, although it would be appealing. They're all still single, this I know. But that is not my reason to leave. I want more then a roommate; I want passion and love that curls your toes. Not looking for advice hear, just using this blog to express myself and my personal relationship challenges regarding sex and marriage. 

Thanks for listening. David


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi, you posted the above at the end of a thread that is a few years old. So I moved your post to start your own thread. I'm sure that others will be long soon to post to you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In a number of jurisdictions, the lack of marital sex without the controverting evidence of either a diagnosed physical or psychological reason by a certified medical professional can be construed as a form of desertion!*


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Is Lack of sex &amp; intimacy a reason for divorce*



arbitrator said:


> *In a number of jurisdictions, the lack of marital sex without the controverting evidence of either a diagnosed physical or psychological reason by a certified medical professional can be construed as alienation of affection!*




Alienation of affection requires a third party. The tort you’re thinking of is desertion (constructive abandonment) which is still valid in a couple jurisdictions. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Is Lack of sex &amp; intimacy a reason for divorce*



WorkingOnMe said:


> Alienation of affection requires a third party. The tort you’re thinking of is desertion which is still valid in a couple jurisdictions.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*I stand corrected! Thank you, Working!*


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Life is too short to live it on an unfulfilled relationship. She may be the greatest since slide bread, but she is not doing it for you on one of the most fundamental aspect of a relationship: intimacy, both emotional & physical according to your post. Why do you hesitate, when you know that you not longer have all the time in the world, like a twenty_ thirty something?

If we all would only have the guts to do what we all in an intrinsic way know what we have to do, a whole lot of us would be a lot happier. Good luck on your decision.


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