# Could this be ED?



## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi,
I've been married to my husband for nearly 5 years now. He's 46 and I'm 35.
Since 2008, our sex life has been so dry due to him working in Asia while I had to stay behind with our son. In that one year we only had sex like 3 or 4 times. Our marriage started to have problems because I found out he was chatting online with another girl that lives in the same country he were, she lives in a different town. It was such a hard time but I am trying to move on although he kept telling me nothing happen between them but just online chats. 
Anyway, mid of last year he got a new job in my home country. This job turned out to be very stressful for him and it took so much of his times that he barely comes home before at least 9PM almost everyday. This and the facts that even though we are physically together again our sex life isn't any different than when we were apart made me wonder if he still love me or wants to be with me anymore. We had lots of fights about this and I felt so rejected. He admitted that he still needs to balance between his job and our marriage life because this job put him in a much higher position than his previous jobs. 
This job also requires him to do plenty of business traveling and it could last for weeks. 
Yesterday he just got back from another business trip and we tried to have sex but he was having a problem getting erection. It took him awhile to get 'ready' and when he did it didn't last very long. I have noticed that he's been having problem staying erect since months ago but last night was like a surreal wake up calls that there is something wrong indeed. We tried twice last night and nothing works to get him erect. Although disappointed I told him that it's alright, maybe he's just tired from the trip home. Then he confessed that he's been having problems for a couple of months now. He said that's why we haven't been having sex that much although he wants to. He said even when he's by himself abroad for business trip, he can't masturbate because he can't erect. 
This is making me feel guilty for doubting his love and for thinking he found someone else. Now, I feel like I'm being selfish.
From reading it all up I do think he have an erectile dysfunction and I wants him to get diagnosed by a doctor but I can't bring myself up to tell him that because I worry he might get offended. 
My question is how can you suggest to your spouse to go see a doctor about this problem without making them feel bad? 
I love him so much but I still need the physical closeness that has been really lacking in my marriage. 
Thank you...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Absolutely could be. Talk to him "oustide of the bedroom" about your concerns. Schedule him an appointment - maybe before you talk to him - with a doc and tell him how important it is to you that he go and be checked out. Emphasize that you are concerned for him and love him no matter what.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I have this problem sometimes and the pills work great. The big difference is the confidence boost they give me, usually after taking one I go a week or two without really needing one. It is a problem that is not his fault, just like you have a headache, take an asprin, you have ED, take a Viagra. I will admit I was not so emotionally OK with it at first but now it is cool 'cause it can make me perform like a 20 year old porn star!


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Good advice. My ex and I kind of ignored and worked around his ED for a few years and then eventually explored medical options. I would not suggest waiting that long... if you bring it up soon, do so in the context of wanting him to be confident and sexy again. He sounds like a good candidate because he has the desire to have sex with you, he says he just cant. If the pills dont work, it could be all that stress from the job... that sounds horrible. In which case he may have to make a quality of life decision... life is too short to be THAT stressed out by a job. Good luck!


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## cherishedby1 (Jan 15, 2010)

I know from personal experience that it's difficult for a man to make even the first visit to a dr for ED. I would like to encourage you to be patient and channel your desires to help him face his loss that he is undoutably feeling inside. I know that you are missing out too and because you and he share this kind of loss you as lovers tend to build on each others pain. It is actually a grieving process. We when through it and it was "a grieving process". The key thought that I want you to share with him if you can grasp the concept is that( You woudn't need to grieve something that is not dead.) That is why most people have a coroner examine any person that appears to be dead,- isn't it? You both will be better off after knowing for sure what the trouble is.
When my "trouble" started my dear sweet wife was missing out sexually too. Thankfully, she did know I needed her patience and understanding. At first I thought she would make me get the "trouble" treated no matter how embarrasing it would be for me in the process. That's because as we began discussing the "problem" she asked if I would make the dr appointment or if she would have to "make the call for me?" My answer was a definative "No-, I can't face that and please don't call in for me". But, I felt more cooperative later when she asked if there was any thing I had questions about that we or I could look up. She helped in looking some things up and shared her hope and encouragement. Soon after, I did some more searching, and found that treatment for my "problem" was possible and we agreed that it was foolish for me to hesitate any longer. So then, I did get to the dr. I appreciate her help and encouragement soo much in our marriage.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thank you all so much for your reply.
He did confessed that he tried viagra when I visited him in China (where it's sold freely) in 2008 but it gave him terrible headaches afterward. 
I really am thankful that you guys are sharing your experience especially from the guy's point of view. That's what I am worrying about is not wanting to push him to go see a doctor. He's so hard headed at times he even refused to go see a doctor for regular stuffs let alone for such a personal reason. I was so frustrated with our sex life before I found out about this that at some points I accused him of seeing someone else.
His job really is way too stressful and I told him that maybe we all need to take a little vacation just him and me but he said it's impossible since he haven't work for 1 year yet. Hopefully I cold persuade him to at least take a weekend gateway and see how it effects our sex life.
Thanks again you guys, I will update how things are when there's any change.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Different people react differently to different pills. There are others to try, I personally like Cialas.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thanks Chuck, will give it a try too since they are being sold without prescription here too.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

morningdew said:


> He did confessed that he tried viagra when I visited him in China (where it's sold freely) in 2008 but it gave him terrible headaches afterward.


It's not exactly like China has a functioning equivalent to the US FDA, so there's no guarantee that the "Viagra" he got in China was actually what we call "Viagra" in the rest of the world.

Chinese toys were made with lead, and when that was banned, they started using cadmium, which is also poisonous. Chinese pet food and baby formula had melamine intentionally put in to get past protein tests, resulting in several deaths of pets and babies. And when this happened, the Chinese government denied it and refused to allow food inspectors into the country.

Anybody can print a cardboard box and put a foil pack in it, and in China it's not like anybody in the government is going to stop them from counterfeiting a profitable drug. I would have to be pretty desperate before I would use pharmaceuticals made in China.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

This is a tough situation and I really feel for both of you. You seem to want to be very sensitive to your H. That's great!

Talking to him outside of the bedroom is great. Also, is there a trusted male that he could talk to about this? Is there a source where you could get information for him (like online or a book about this) that would help both of you? Getting to a doctor is obviously best case, but if that's not an option YET, maybe you could get him some basic info to help.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has your husband had a physical lately? At his age things like high blood pressure and diabetes can begin to cause these problems. By all means, have him to see a doctor for health reasons. Is he currently taking any medications which could be causing the problem? Don't just assume he needs Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

@ artieb: yeah I know what you meant, I stayed in China for a couple of months and they counterfeited just about everything there that's why I was upset when DH told me he had tried their viagra. I'm not trusting the 'street sellers' here too for those enhancement pills but I know there are some big pharmacies here that sell the original pills without prescription but I think we'll try to avoid that road for now and focus on solving the real cause.

@ Alexandra: Thank you for the kind words. We plan on going out of town this weekend and I hope that I'll find the time there to talk about this more now that I had found some really great information sources on how to bring it up. I really hope (and pray!) that he would go see a doctor. 

@ 827Aug: No, he haven't that's why I really wish he'd go but it's just so hard to make him go see a doctor, he wouldn't want to see one for his back pain so to persuade him to get this check would be an even bigger challenge. He's not taking any medication so I don't think it's a side effect such as the high blood pressure pills might cause. Now, that I had do my little researched online and thinking it through, I believe it would be best to get him diagnosed first and work on the cause, which I believe might be from all the stress he's been having at work. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.


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## cherishedby1 (Jan 15, 2010)

morningdew, Now as I just read your recent response to 827aug's question, I recognized that you've implied that your H has some back pain. I have learned and researched that this (the back) is often a source of any of / or sometimes several issues like: gastro-intestinal, bladder and sexual dysfunction. I had lower back pain throughout the most severe of my sexual dysfunction. In the early stages I never even considered the two to be related. My symptoms of sexual dysfuntion were rapidly resolved after I started a chiropractic treatment for increasing pain and lack of strength and mobility in my lower back. I had a promising surprize to find my sexual function improving too. That led me to research if lower back issues are a proven cause of my type of sexual dysfunction. Bingo- they are! My current chiropractor has told me that many men find positive results in their sexual function following lower back re-alignment via chiropratic and / or spinal therapy. Furthermore the chiropractor was cheaper than multiple Dr visits and did get my back working much better too. I went from "barely walking" to "back to work" again doing most everything I used to do in my own auto repair business. 
I hope that you and your H have opportunity to consult a chiropractor. Just might be the right solution for him. 
Getting to Dr. for a checkup for underlying health problems may surface some other critical issues like high blood pressure or other circulatory problems. 
let us know what does work out if you can.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Cherisedby1, thanks for the info. Unfortunately things has been going downhill for us. I haven't even had a single chance to brought up going to see a doctor, our weekend getaway has been canceled on the last minute because he's too busy. 
But really, I appreciate your reply.


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## Belly (Jan 26, 2010)

Your husband must know what he is supposed to do for his problem. He may be afraid to faces the reality with you and hear the worst possiblity from doctor. Even though it might be something so eazy and simple to fix.

For sure, my husband has some problem too. I am at the stage trying to give him the safe and comfort place to share his big issue. He even mentioned divorce with not-making-sense reasons. 

I am so glad that he shared problem with you. It was big big step for him.

What I worry is that he might be working more hours ,because he is afraid to face it.

I am trying so hard to show my husband how much I love him to give him the best trust. And I am thinking to tell him even though without his erection, there will be many ways to try making love. 

Hope it is helpful for you.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Belly said:


> What I worry is that he might be working more hours ,because he is afraid to face it.
> 
> I am trying so hard to show my husband how much I love him to give him the best trust. And I am thinking to tell him even though without his erection, there will be many ways to try making love.
> 
> Hope it is helpful for you.


That's exactly what happened lately. He just spent too much time working that I feel he forgot he have a wife and a son who needs and crave his attentions and time.

I am trying to be very supportive and loving all the time but I feel like I'm running on empty right now. He didn't come home last Saturday saying he's at work but honestly I don't know if I could believe him again or not. He did had this online affair with some girls when he was in China and that almost made me file for divorce. 

It sucks to feel like you're the only one that's working on a marriage and that's how its been for me lately. Not just the sex part, we did had sex once last week and he was 'normal' but it's what happened outside the bedroom that now has me crying my eyes out. I feel mentally abandoned by him.


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