# Just found out, now what



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I had some suspicions and last night found out they were true. H said he has been cheating since this summer. He wouldn't tell me who with or how they met and I didn't get that far in my investigative work before I just had to stop detecting because the deceit of it was eating up my insides.

So, now it is Thanksgiving weekend and we were supposed to go see my family. He won't go; I want to run to them for comfort. I can't decide whether to just let him stay in the house doing God knows what, or get some new locks and ask him to leave before I travel. I have already taken some financial precautions, but I just don't know what comes next. I don't know what I am legally allowed to do or ask, and what is reasonable since I am still hoping he'll feel some guilt and want to work on our marriage. He seems so apathetic about it, though, and said he doesn't feel guilty. So, yeah.

Any words of advice from the been there done that crowd?


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Change the locks and tell him to have a nice life.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ask him to leave. He may not and has every right if it is both your house, but the statement alone will show him how confident in letting him go if it continues.

If he wants this marriage to work and wants to stay then he has the choose to go to Thanksgiving and face the consequences.

See girl there is no in between here. Its the tough love approach that will get him off the fence and give you the direction you need.

Don't screw around here and get tough...sure I want my marriage to but I'm not going to put up with any crap from my cheating wife. As far as I'm concerned it over and its up to the waywards to do the heavy lifting to stay.

Let him go, never cry, never beg, have the confidence to smile wish him the best and ask him to leave. A proven tactic that gets the wayward to think twice in what they are about to lose. 

Until you get him to start thinking twice about his choices he will continue. See, he thinks he has your number and you ain't going no were...prove him wrong and with a big smile tell him good by.

Get it? do you see the shift in power with this mind set you need to have. Sure its risky, but if you have it in your head that you can let him go and he is already gone, then who has the power now?


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I understand the tough love part, and I think it will go that way. But, does it need to be today? Do I take risks by just leaving him there for the weekend to stew? I just don't feel like I have the resources to do that today.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Do you want to try and Reconcile or kick him in the nuts and send him on his merry way?

If you're looking at divorce then leave him be and go enjoy the time with your family. If you want to work on saving the marriage, well then tough love might be needed if he's acting like a little kid who's feelings are hurt because you took away his favorite toy.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I would like to Save our marriage if possible, but I have to hear and see it from him that he wants it too. I don't want to be rash and screw something up (legally or otherwise) but unless his attitude changes soon, he's going to need a wake up call. I am just not sure I have the gumption to deliver it today rather than Friday or Monday or whenever I can gather my wits and resources around myself.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you distance your self for now until you gather your strength. For now thru action you can be a confident women by not showing weakness, but indifference....

I would how ever not let him be alone to continue his affair. I would, today, make a stand before you leave the home for the holiday, thats just me. 





















If you do deside to leave him home at least make sure you wash the sheet when you get back.


----------



## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I'd say it absolutely happens today. Your world has been turned upside down. Why in the world are you going to ease him into his pain? You didn't do this... he did. You aren't doing anything to him...he did it to himself. All I can say about it, is this. If I had taken a hard stand at the beginning instead of trying my best to help ease the pain, it would have turned out better. 

Especially, now that you know, they will likely just take their affair underground. Do not give them a chance to get a game plan. You need to find out who this is and rock their worlds to the core. They will rant and say that you are outragious in what you are doing and that you are ruining them and any chance at moving forward. But if you don't, they will continue the affair (likely) and how will you move forward with that happening? 

Good luck.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

Thngs did not go as planned. He came home last night while I was packing for my visit home. I asked if he was ready to talk or had made any decisions. He got really upset and said he was just done and wanted to leave me. I asked him if that meant he'd be moving his things out this weekend. Then he really got mad, saying he couldn't do that. I stated that if he didn't want to quit the affair and save our marriage, then he couldn't live with me and act as though things are okay. He got snarky sounding and sarcastically said "yeah, sur I'll move out this wekend.". "Now just don't talk to me anymore. Don't say anything.". Knowing I didn't feel safe there alone with him for the next four days, and based on the advice of a friend who has been through this, I wrote out to him, and made a copy for myself, my desire to stay married, that I was leaving the house only to visit my family for the holiday, and that if he was leaving me, he needs to be out by Sunday. Also that if he decides he wants to reconcile, he will be welcome back home, with some stipulations. I am hoping I covered all my bases legally. I own the home and did prior to our marriage, so I hope that works in my favor as well. I fear retaliation and I am afraid to see what condition the house might be in when I go back there. But, it is stuff and can be repaired much more easily than my body or mental health, right? I can't believe this is my life now.


----------



## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Think you did well. Hope you will be able to work it out.
But if he does not feel any guilt, I doubt it. Just do not let him play with you. You appear to be stong, so please keep strong.

it took my partner more then 8 months before he finally was open and honest. But he was commited to make it work after DD. It does sometimes take time for the cheateer to get clean with himself, to admit all to himself.


----------



## Doingmybest (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. While you are reeling from what you have discovered, I think you have responded pretty well to start. You have a choice: divorce or decide you want to see if the marriage can be saved. 

If you want to try and save your marriage you absolutely must kill their affair. In the midst of the "affair fog" (read about it all over this site, it's real and potent) your husband will be addicted to the affair and your marriage will be doomed. Start here:

1. Find out who the affair partner (AP) is.

2. Expose the affair. If the AP has a wife, expose to her as soon as possible. Try to do this with proof of the affair, and DO NOT say anything to your husband first.

3. Refuse to enable (it sounds like you are working on this). Don't let your WH have both you and the AP at the same time and "take time to decide." By seeing someone else he is already making up his mind; make it clear this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated for any length of time.

4. Be the best independent person you can be. Exercise, treat yourself well, dress like you are a confident and strong person in facing the word.

There are folks on this site who have great advice and can give very specific steps. Let us know what is going on and what you want to accomplish, and these folks can help.


----------



## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Not sure why, but I've got his feeling you are going to be fine no matter which way this goes. Stay strong and do what's right for you.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I wouldn't leave him in the house for the weekend if I were you. I would kick him of right now. 

He has said he wants to leave, he has had an affair, he is being rude and mean, he is continuing his affair obviously by his attitude and lack of remorse. Kick him out, preferably throw his things out for him to collect on his return from work and have the locks changed while he is gone so he cannot enter.

Why in the world would you want to give him time in your house to gather his stuff and do what he likes with your stuff in your house, while you are gone? 

He deserves nothing while behaving in the way he is.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

Remains said:


> I wouldn't leave him in the house for the weekend if I were you. I would kick him of right now.
> 
> 
> Why in the world would you want to give him time in your house to gather his stuff and do what he likes with your stuff in your house, while you are gone?
> ...


I agree and part of me wanted to do that. I posted above what really happened. I didn't leave him there for him. I did it for self preservation on my part since I didn't have a third party available to come stay with me. I needed the time away for ME. If he f's up the house, it just tells me more about who he has become and will be held accountable for that as well, if I have anything to say about it.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I read what you are saying, and I hear it, but he deserves nothing. He doesn't deserve an easy time gathering his stuff and out by Sunday. He deserves out tomorrow, or ASAP. His attitude stinks. And the more you make it difficult for him, I don't mean difficult for it's own sake, just difficult as in the instant results of the actions he has taken, then the more likely he will think quicker and harder. 

The faster his repurcussions hit him and the bigger they are, the more he thinks about, and the faster he will make his decision.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I don't currently have the means or support to make him go now. I am doing the best I can within the constraints I feel I have. It may seem like I am being "nice" by giving him the weekend, but really, I am just trying to be good to me. If he chooses to mistreat that extra "niceity" then so be it. Part of why he says this relationship failure is "my fault" is because he says I am mean and controlling. I don't think he has a clue of what me being in control and determined actually looks like. But to do that, I also need to care for me.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dont forget to change the locks after he's gone.

Take pictures/movies of the house, inside and outside with timestamp if possible, and store it somewhere safe away from the home. Doesnt matter if he knows you're taking picture -- may be better that way. Have him in the picture?

Any damages he caused should be recovered during the divorce process.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Pointegirl said:


> I had some suspicions and last night found out they were true. *H said he has been cheating since this summer. He wouldn't tell me who with or how they met* and I didn't get that far in my investigative work before I just had to stop detecting because the deceit of it was eating up my insides.
> 
> So, now it is Thanksgiving weekend and we were supposed to go see my family. He won't go; I want to run to them for comfort. I can't decide whether to just let him stay in the house doing God knows what, or get some new locks and ask him to leave before I travel. I have already taken some financial precautions, but I just don't know what comes next. I don't know what I am legally allowed to do or ask, and what is reasonable since I am still hoping he'll feel some guilt and want to work on our marriage. He seems so apathetic about it, though, and said he doesn't feel guilty. So, yeah.
> 
> Any words of advice from the been there done that crowd?


He's still cheating, he most llikely came clean because he's in the throes of his affair fog & doesn't feel like hiding it any more.
Forget about trying to reconcile at this point, it WON'T work while he's still involved with the OW.
Your best course of action is to focus 100% on yourself, read up on doing the 180, it's for YOU, not to try to get him back.
Your husband is not the man you think he is, he's most likely going to trickle truth you for as long as he can, that's the classic MO of a cheater.
Be prepared to fight an uphill battle to get the truth & also the possibility that you may never know all of it.
Find a therapist for individual counseling, it will help to speak to someone impartial.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Obviously he's planning on continuing to cheat on you.

It also very likely from how he's reacted that she is married and her husband doesn't know.

Can you get his cell phone records online and see who he is calling or text a lot. Especially right after you confronted him. That will be her.

Do not call the number. Instead use the internet to find out who's number it is - you want a name.

After you have her name, you want to find her. Try spokeo or pipl and some other places and find where she lives, and hopefully you'll also find out who she's married to.

That's who you really want. He husband. And he is the person you want to talk to and share notes with.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Obviously he's planning on continuing to cheat on you.
> 
> It also very likely from how he's reacted that she is married and her husband doesn't know.
> 
> ...


The one thing he did tell me is that she's with someone else too (don't know married or BF...if it is who I think it might be, the latter). He didn't seem to care that he'd ruined 4 lives. "It just happened...I didn't mean for it to." Blah, blah, whatever.

He hasn't been using his personal phone for any of this, as I did check that and have full access to records. He has a work phone which is password protected and I can't remember the code for it. The one time I almost saw him enter the code recently it looked different from what I thought it was anyway. He has pretty free license with it as far as texting, email, & internet, so I'm sure it is all on there. I don't think I'll find out who it is.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

Where is info on the 180?


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Pointegirl said:


> Where is info on the 180?


The Healing Heart: The 180

You may also want to check out this stickie.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

S is hitting the fan. Newer, creapier info, and now his 50% of money missing from savings suddenly. Shaking....


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pointegirl said:


> S is hitting the fan. Newer, creapier info, and now his 50% of money missing from savings suddenly. Shaking....


He is not playing by any rules here except whatever he needs to do to continue his affair.

The man you could trust is gone, and the one who has replaced him will not play fair.

A couple of things: 
1. Joint CC - go immediately as soon as you can and buy gift cards such as amex cards on any joint CC. run them to the limit if you can. You can use these cards where you need stuff like groceries, gas etc. You might even be able to pay your phone bill using them.

2. any joint CC you don't use - cancel if you can.

3. You need a lawyer asap - a good one that handles cheating spouses.


----------



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I took care of most of that already. What was left was legally his by my understanding. I was just hoping he wouldn't take it & it wouldn't come to this. Hopefully this means he moved out like he was supposed to.

Reching lawyers over a holiday is not easy. I am afraid of the cost.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Pointegirl said:


> I took care of most of that already. What was left was legally his by my understanding. I was just hoping he wouldn't take it & it wouldn't come to this. Hopefully this means he moved out like he was supposed to.
> 
> Reching lawyers over a holiday is not easy. I am afraid of the cost.


That is the old joke: Why are divorces so expensive? They're worth it!

Imagine not worrying about what is happening with your computer. How about not worrying if you caught something? What about being able to go out for a drink with a friend without worrying that your afgan knitted by your grandma is being destroyed or stolen?

How about no acrimony in your life?

Just a gauge to discuss the costs


----------



## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

Sounds like you are doing the right thing by getting away from him. If he won't even tell you her name, he is going to keep doing what he is doing. You are doing a lot better than I did and my wife was only Sexting a man 30 years younger than her. I found out just in time. It has been 6 weeks of pure hell! Good luck!


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Doingmybest said:


> Sorry you are going through this. While you are reeling from what you have discovered, I think you have responded pretty well to start. You have a choice: divorce or decide you want to see if the marriage can be saved.
> 
> If you want to try and save your marriage you absolutely must kill their affair. In the midst of the "affair fog" (read about it all over this site, it's real and potent) your husband will be addicted to the affair and your marriage will be doomed. Start here:
> 
> ...


 Yes do this and have him send the other woman a no contact letter, if he wants to work on your marriage, if he won't then send him packing.


----------

