# I’m I over reacting



## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

I'm a guy who works in senior management for years

1- this is not appropriate and the guy could get fired for it
2- the guy is digging himself around your wife to sleep with her. yes even if he is gay
3- they may be already been sleeping together - think, why would someone buy expensive purse? why would she even tell him what bag she is likes?
what is next? buy her shoes then underwear 

the words should not be with him, it should be with your wife.


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## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

Fired no sued, maybe he’s the owner of said company. I would not have told her I felt it was inappropriate had all of these things gone through my mind.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Jimhardc said:


> Fired no sued maybe he’s the owner on said company. I would not have told her I felt it was inappropriate had all of these things gone through my mind.



owner of the company umm then this is difficult to judge - does he do that with everyone? if not, then there is something between them. 

dont let your guard down - and follow your gut feelings. 

put yourself in his shoes, would you buy someone an expensive purse unless you are sleeping or planning to sleep with?

he could've rewarded her with a cash money or gift card


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Classic cheater deflection: he’s gay, he’s ugliness, he’s old, he’s whatever.
No you’re not overreacting. Any man that’s raised properly knows you never give an expensive gift to another man’s wife. Especially without asking if the spouse is ok with it…… and they shouldn’t be.

btw, she says the boss got it for her. Cheaters lie. She’s a known liar and cheat.
You’re crazy to believe anything she says.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Never heard of that happening before. Is he generous with others there as well?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It is difficult to interpret without knowing the wife's position in the company and her relationship with the boss.

If you share your passwords, you can do a small check.

their messaging is more important, you should see how private they are outside of work.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.

The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.
> 
> The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.


This was a purse that costs a lot of money though.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

A wife that has been unfaithful should know better than to accept an expensive gift from another man - especially someone she works with. I would be uncomfortable with this even without the previous cheating. You should tell her how you are feeling and discuss boundaries with her. She is in a relationship with you. It is up to her to maintain appropriate boundaries, not her boss.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope, you're not overreacting at all.

She either gives the purse back, or you personally hand him the money with the strong message that if anyone buys your wife personal items, it will be you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jimhardc said:


> Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
> A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


Ehh… I dunno. It kind of sounds like he’s one of her girlfriends or something.

Still, I’d keep my ears and eyes open and mouth shut.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jimhardc said:


> Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
> A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


If you know he's gay, then don't worry about it, although that was very generous. Are these knock-off designer bags, by any chance? Kind of sounds like it since you said he had a friend who could get it. Or hot merchandise.

Do you have any way to check if, in fact, her boss is who gave it to her or if maybe she just said that because you know he's gay?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.
> 
> The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... *Just be very careful about the advice you receive here.* There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.





> *Just be very careful about the advice you receive here.*


Yes, do be very careful about the advice you receive here. Some people think everyone else gives horrible advice, but they really need to look in the mirror. "Forgive and forget" is absolutely horrible advice, especially when it comes to infidelity - which is not a "mistake".


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jimhardc said:


> Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
> A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


Your wife is the problem not her boss. Obviously she didn’t learn much.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If it makes you uncomfortable, she should give the purse back. It’s not an unreasonable request. I don’t know if there are any bad motives necessarily behind the purse but again, if you’re uncomfortable with it, then she should return it, especially with the backstory of her having a past affair.

You shouldn’t need to step in and have a conversation with her boss, it’s your wife who needs to simply set up boundaries.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jimhardc said:


> Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
> A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


Whether this is innocent or not, your wife has had a work affair before and she should know better than to accept a gift like this from another man - especially one she works with. She should also know better than to develop close relationships with colleagues again. It's not HIM you need to "have a word with about boundaries", it is your wife. 

The company I work for does gift items like liquor, gift cards, date nights, various baskets, etc. These items are gifted based on a draw, not the manager's favorites, and they are generic gifts. A purse that someone has been desperately wanting is not a generic gift. There are other giveaways as well, such as $400+ headphones to fully paid overseas vacations to 5 figure bonuses, but these are given to the top sellers or a raffle between the top sellers - not the boss's favorite. There is a difference between generic gifts, raffles, and incentives, and personalized gifts given for no apparent reason.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Jimhardc*

First order of business for YOU is for YOU to work on yourself. What you posted says to me you don't understand boundaries.
and
You have only slight discomfort with your wife's activities with respect to her boss.

You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and immediately follow up with "Not Just Friends." If have read them, read again as you don't appear to have learned the lessons.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

bobert said:


> Yes, do be very careful about the advice you receive here. Some people think everyone else gives horrible advice, but they really need to look in the mirror. "Forgive and forget" is absolutely horrible advice, especially when it comes to infidelity - which is not a "mistake".


I have never seen anyone here say they think everyone is giving horrible advice. No idea where you got that, but would like to see that post.

The OP and spouse chose to work on their marriage after it suffered through an affair. Some people including yourself may not be able to do that and head straight to divorce court, which is ok. But again, they chose to work through it and rebuild. Part of working through something like that is forgiveness. If you can't manage to work through, forgive and move on from mistakes by your spouse whether small or big, then your marriage will not survive long term and will slowly die from anger and resentment.

Of course you are going to be emotionally wrecked and go through a phase of anger, doubt, and other emotions. I don't know the OP and the full situation, but they obviously have worked on things well enough to still be together 3 years after the affair. And that is where my advice comes in to not throw it all away because you are unable to eventually move on at some point. If you find that you absolutely cannot move on from something your spouse did, then do yourselves a favor and split up. 

But I believe it's horrible advice to have a black and white perception in life. Sometimes people make really big mistakes, hit rock bottom, and change for the good. Sometimes it's a pattern and they never change. But one thing is for certain. And that is if you can't learn how to forgive, and move on whether it be in marriage, career, friends, family, etc. Then you are going to live a life filled with distrust, anger, resentment, and drive people away. This certainly doesn't mean to just forget about any wrongdoing, but do not hold on to the anger forever.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Your wife is the problem not her boss. Obviously she didn’t learn much.


she definitely hasn’t worked hard to learn how to respect you. She has NO boundaries and is willing to hurt you and the marriage.

there is NO foundation for your marriage - and that is the reason why it’s crumbling.

she hasn’t done any work to earn your trust. She really needs serious help to DO the hard work if you consider staying married! She needs to take a hard look at how SHE participates within the marriage and the harm she is causing to you and the union.

if she doesn’t intend to learn to DO better - then divorce her.

side note - what evidence do you have that her boss is gay? Her word? Or more than her word?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I have never seen anyone here say they think everyone is giving horrible advice. No idea where you got that, but would like to see that post.


Funny. I'd recommend looking at your posts. 



> The OP and spouse chose to work on their marriage after it suffered through an affair. Some people including yourself may not be able to do that and head straight to divorce court, which is ok.


Even funnier, seeing as my wife spent years banging other asshats and I'm still married to her coming up on 4 years later. What experience do you have with reconciliation, what it is like, what it takes, and how long it takes? 

You are correct that forgiveness is necessary to reconcile, however forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. It does not mean things ever go back to "the way they were". It does not mean the BS will ever trust the WS the way they once did, which by the way does not mean they don't trust them. The trust does need to return, but it is forever changed. Boundaries are also forever changed. Infidelity changes and taints the marriage _forever. _That doesn't mean the couple hasn't "moved on", isn't happy, etc. It's just the way it is. It will always be part of their story. 

A couple staying together for 3 years after D-Day doesn't mean squat. There are plenty of couples who stay together but never truly reconcile. In fact, most probably fall into that category. Based on the OP's wife's actions, they are not doing as well as you seem to think.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

bobert said:


> Funny. I'd recommend looking at your posts.
> 
> 
> Even funnier, seeing as my wife spent years banging other asshats and I'm still married to her coming up on 4 years later. What experience do you have with reconciliation, what it is like, what it takes, and how long it takes?
> ...


No, that is not just the way it is for everyone. It might be like that for you, but you are not everyone. I am sorry for what happened to you and hope everything works out. But if you can't go back to how things were before and find you are trying to create new boundaries and watch over them all the time, then let them go and find someone who can let them be themselves and the same for yourself. We don't own our spouses and we should be able to fully trust them. It's not a good sign if you have a spouse or your spouse has to always have one eye on you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> No, that is not just the way it is for everyone. It might be like that for you, but you are not everyone. I am sorry for what happened to you and hope everything works out. But if you can't go back to how things were before and find you are trying to create new boundaries and watch over them all the time, then let them go and find someone who can let them be themselves and the same for yourself. We don't own our spouses and we should be able to fully trust them. It's not a good sign if you have a spouse or your spouse has to always have one eye on you.


Spoken by someone who has no experience with reconciliation, and clearly no knowledge of it either.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jim, your problem is that you didn’t divorce your cheater the one time you caught her.

Are you really buying the lie that the purse just came up in conversation?!?!

If so, can really understand why your still married to her. Just keep your head buried and you will be fine.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

bobert said:


> Spoken by someone who has no experience with reconciliation, and clearly no knowledge of it either.


I am not ashamed in the least little bit that my marriage has been free of infidelity. We have been together for over 17 years. We have learned to not hold on to anger that leads to resentment. The sex life is fantastic and we fully trust each other. I also hope that I never have to deal with infidelity either. But while I am not knowledgeable about how to deal with infidelity, I am knowledgeable about how to keep infidelity out of my marriage and that is far more valuable to me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I am not knowledgeable about how to deal with infidelity


Yet here you are, acting like you are. You are giving (horrible) advice on a topic that you know absolutely nothing about.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

bobert said:


> Funny. I'd recommend looking at your posts.
> 
> 
> Even funnier, seeing as my wife spent years banging other asshats and I'm still married to her coming up on 4 years later. What experience do you have with reconciliation, what it is like, what it takes, and how long it takes?
> ...


Correct. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon either.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

bobert said:


> Yet here you are, acting like you are. You are giving (horrible) advice on a topic that you know absolutely nothing about.


Fair enough, but who are you to give marital advice when you admitted earlier in your words that your spouse spent years banging other asshats? It seems about as logical as seeking marital counseling from someone who has been divorced multiple times.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Fair enough, but who are you to give marital advice when you admitted earlier in your words that your spouse spent years banging other asshats? It seems about as logical as seeking marital counseling from someone who has been divorced multiple times.


Part of reconciliation involves learning what a healthy marriage should look like, how to make it happen, what went wrong, etc., and implementing that knowledge into your own marriage. Aka, having the knowledge and experience of both sides.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Jimhardc said:


> Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
> A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


I think you need to have word with your wife, the person that cheated on you in the past, about boundaries, not her supposedly gay boss.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

bobert said:


> Part of reconciliation involves learning what a healthy marriage should look like, how to make it happen, what went wrong, etc., and implementing that knowledge into your own marriage. Aka, having the knowledge and experience of both sides.


Staying with someone who has cheated on you for years with multiple people doesn't feel like reconciliation or learning about what a healthy marriage is. That feels more like a case of I am terrified of being alone and not being able to find someone else who respects and loves me as a spouse in marriage. Yes, I can see a married couple surviving an affair. But years of cheating with multiple people? I don't think so.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I have never seen anyone here say they think everyone is giving horrible advice. No idea where you got that, but would like to see that post.
> 
> The OP and spouse chose to work on their marriage after it suffered through an affair. Some people including yourself may not be able to do that and head straight to divorce court, which is ok. But again, they chose to work through it and rebuild. Part of working through something like that is forgiveness. If you can't manage to work through, forgive and move on from mistakes by your spouse whether small or big, then your marriage will not survive long term and will slowly die from anger and resentment.
> 
> ...


A woman who cheated on her wife with a co-worker should NEVER accept personal gifts from co-workers going forward -- EVER. She owes that to her H who gave her the gift of reconciliation.


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## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> If you want to continue your marriage long term, you are going to have to forgive and forget at some point. Holding on to this affair from three years ago will eat at your marriage like a cancer. She made a huge mistake, but you guys decided to stay married and work on it. A wife wants her husband to trust her. If she has stayed faithful and you continue to distrust her, it will eat at her and probably make her give up at some point. I would suggest you work with a counselor on this before it's too late.
> 
> The gift all depends on what kind of business she works for. Typically large companies and corporations never do stuff like this. But it's not uncommon with smaller places of business where employees are sometimes a lot closer and even hang out outside of work. I have worked for places that have given out gifts like bottles of liquor, gift cards, and other various items. I have also had managers of the opposite sex text me after hours about something non work related like the name of the vet I suggested during the week..... Just be very careful about the advice you receive here. There are some good people, but there is also in my opinion a lot of toxic advice that will lead to divorce. My wife even jokes that the paranoia and distrust is ridiculous. She says people would be suggesting a divorce attorney if your spouse swapped from coke to Pepsi as the change is definitely a sign that she has a secret lover during the day while you are at work, and he prefers Pepsi 😂.





DownByTheRiver said:


> If you know he's gay, then don't worry about it, although that was very generous. Are these knock-off designer bags, by any chance? Kind of sounds like it since you said he had a friend who could get it. Or hot merchandise.
> 
> Do you have any way to check if, in fact, her boss is who gave it to her or if maybe she just said that because you know he's gay?


no not knock off just a rich person that likes to drive a different vehicle (super car) to work everyday friends with “Real House Wives“ and crowds as such. So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife


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## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> she definitely hasn’t worked hard to learn how to respect you. She has NO boundaries and is willing to hurt you and the marriage.
> 
> there is NO foundation for your marriage - and that is the reason why it’s crumbling.
> 
> ...


Met his b/f or husband at Xmas party


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jimhardc said:


> no not knock off just a rich person that likes to drive a different vehicle (super car) to work everyday friends with “Real House Wives“ and crowds as such. So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife


If you're sure that's where she got it and not some other guy gave it to her or she spent the money herself or whatever.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you're sure that's where she got it and not some other guy gave it to her or she spent the money herself or whatever.


Astute question


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The optics are terrible here. Your wife who strayed before is now accepting an expensive gift from her boss. I understand why you are concerned. She was wrong to accept such a gift. It's too personal. 



Jimhardc said:


> Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


Don't you dare. This is her work. You showing up to fight her battles will be seen as inappropriate by the boss & could undermine his confidence in his employee's judgment & decision making. 

Especially since the boss is gay I'm going to go with this was a nice, but inappropriate gesture, not an come on. Still maybe it's time for her to work somewhere else where the lines aren't so blurry.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s odd, I’ve never ever told any boss that I want a purse. Your wife shared too much of her personal life with people.
She has boundary problems. When are you going to require her to work on that problem in order to continue the marriage?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> It’s odd, I’ve never ever told any boss that I want a purse. Your wife shared too much of her personal life with people.
> She has boundary problems. When are you going to require her to work on that problem in order to continue the marriage?


Different offices have different dynamics. Granted I'm a woman but my assistant showed me two dresses she was thinking about buying for her son's upcoming wedding. She mentioned one was out of her price range. I bought it for her as a bonus for a job well done. She cried.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jimhardc said:


> no not knock off just a rich person that likes to drive a different vehicle (super car) to work everyday friends with “Real House Wives“ and crowds as such. So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts* it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife*


Hence, the doubt that he is a safe person/employer.

From what you have just described, _he sounds like the ultimate wealthy player._

All genital types are in danger of being manipulated and selfishly stroked when he is around.

The boss is not that bad boy, no, he is the overly indulgent, and decadent predator, flaunting his expensive baubles.
His wealth has given him confidence and much practice in scoring over his 'perceived' lessers.

Ah, likely that super spreader of sperm and STD's.

I suspect that your wife is giving off vibes that she is eager to please and that she is vulnerable.

She is in _awe of the man_, and soon to be saying, _Oh' man_, I have been diiked and duped.

She needs to quit this job.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> Different offices have different dynamics. Granted I'm a woman but my assistant showed me two dresses she was thinking about buying for her son's upcoming wedding. She mentioned one was out of her price range. I bought it for her as a bonus for a job well done. She cried.


A nice gesture.

And, an appropriate one in this case.

You gave another valuable female employee a gift; not a man, a suit.

A big difference, here.

Perception counts plenty.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

D0nnivain said:


> Different offices have different dynamics. Granted I'm a woman but my assistant showed me two dresses she was thinking about buying for her son's upcoming wedding. She mentioned one was out of her price range. I bought it for her as a bonus for a job well done. She cried.


Shhhh, no one ever just does something nice for others as a way of saying thank you for being a good employee or just because. You must be doing this because you are banging her husband 😂

But being serious, that was a really nice thing that you did for her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Staying with someone who has cheated on you for years with multiple people doesn't feel like reconciliation or learning about what a healthy marriage is. That feels more like a case of I am terrified of being alone and not being able to find someone else who respects and loves me as a spouse in marriage. Yes, I can see a married couple surviving an affair. But years of cheating with multiple people? I don't think so.


The actions _before_ deciding to reconcile are not what makes or defines a reconciliation. It's the actions taken _after_ deciding to reconcile. People can say they are reconciling when really, they are not. That goes for whether their spouse was a serial cheater, lived a separate life for decades, had a short term affair, had a drunken ONS, etc. The factors of the infidelity can certainly make reconciliation harder but they don't determine whether someone is or is not reconciling and bettering their marriage. And every marriage that involved infidelity was an unhealthy marriage. 

There were many factors to why I decided to stay, and I have absolutely zero desire to be in another relationship if this one fails. So nope, I'm not still married out of a fear of being alone for the rest of my life.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Jimhardc said:


> So him finding it is not a surprise but if he is going to hand out gifts it should be to everyone in the office not just my wife


Do you know that he doesn't hand out gifts to others?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Some people including yourself may not be able to do that


Some people including yourself may not be able to accept that some others do not necessarily share their assumptions and priorities.
Some people may desire to follow your advice and not be able to.
And some other people, "able" or not, don´t find it desirable for reasons as good and high as yours. 
Trully best wishes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The only reason OP thinks the bag came from the boss is because his wife says so.

neither way, it was inappropriate unless the boss asked the husband first, because the husband could have been surprising her, and the boss wouid have ruined it. Also, gay or not gay, it’s just inappropriate.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Whoa Nellie! This is out of bounds. Are you sure her boss is gay? Something is not right and it is your FWWs lack of appropriate boundaries.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m wondering if the problem has more to do with the fact that it was a purse, or would there be a problem if he had given her a gift card to Amazon or something as a nice gesture for doing a good job, or birthday gift etc ? A purse seems more personal so is it that specifically, or would any gift at all be considered inappropriate? (Asking the OP and the group)

If the OP’s wife’s boss is known for being generous like this with others, it might be completely harmless and just a nice gesture. I don’t know.


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## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m wondering if the problem has more to do with the fact that it was a purse, or would there be a problem if he had given her a gift card to Amazon or something as a nice gesture for doing a good job, or birthday gift etc ? A purse seems more personal so is it that specifically, or would any gift at all be considered inappropriate? (Asking the OP and the group)
> 
> If the OP’s wife’s boss is known for being generous like this with others, it might be completely harmless and just a nice gesture. I don’t know.


The purse seemed personal, in my original post I had said a cash bonus is different. Also it is the combination of after work texts and calls that make me question the appropriateness of the gift/bonus


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jimhardc said:


> _*Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?*_



And you know this because.....she told you? Or you actually SAW him with the man he's supposedly dating/committed to?

I'm only asking you this because SO many men have lied and told their wives that their work 'buddy' - the hot blond in Accounting - is a "lesbian," so she has nothing to worry about.

Guess how many of them WEREN'T really lesbians?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> Yet here you are, acting like you are. You are giving (horrible) advice on a topic that you know absolutely nothing about.


The man has been successfully married 17 years. I'd say he knows more about how to have a good marriage than someone with a broken one.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The man has been successfully married 17 years. I'd say he knows more about how to have a good marriage than someone with a broken one.


Read the quote again. I said he knows nothing about reconciliation. Smh.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> Read the quote again. I said he knows nothing about INFIDELITY. Smh.


I don't know why you jump to that conclusion just because his successful marriage hasn't included infidelity. Nearly everyone has encountered infidelity.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know why you jump to that conclusion just because his successful marriage hasn't included infidelity. Nearly everyone has encountered infidelity.


He has not reconciled, and clearly knows nothing about it based on not only his advice but also his own words.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So my wife's boss who is a women actually sent her a purse a few months ago, probably the same price range. I in turn told my boss about it and then continued to ask him for a few days when my purse was coming.

Suffice to say I think it depends what the corporate structure is. Did everyone get stuff or just her, does she work with this guy intimately one on one or is it in meetings and stuff.

I certainly didn't see any red flags with my wife, as they are having retention problems and everyone on her team are getting stuff, half the time my wife is sending stuff out to her subordinates and asking me what I think about her gift ideas. My wife had a particularly rough cycle where a bunch of people left so she was working long hours. I know they are scared she will leave.

Also they did something on their website where they highlighted staff and that required a questionnaire that she filled out listing that she collects certain brand name bags. This brings up a good point though, see how much I know about what's going on in her work life? That is because we talk about our work life a lot as it's a big part of our lives, and it's important to me to be informed about her. I am interested in her. This also gives me an advantage because I know enough to know not to be jealous when it comes to this.

I think a good approach is to just start talking to her about this stuff, why did she get the bag, did he send a bad or something comparable to anyone else? I think you can ask enough questions that if it is inappropriate it will become pretty obvious.

Here is the thing, even if it's not a romantic gesture it still might not be appropriate. I personally believe that it's gross how my wife's work tries to bribe people with gifts while at the same time overworking them. Most of the time some trinket doesn't match the cost that she would be paid for the work if she was hourly. It's not appropriate, but this really goes into my feelings about work/life boundaries and that is a whole other issues. I know this if it was my boss, I would be like don't give me gifts give me more vacation time. That may or may not be applicable here.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jimhardc said:


> The purse seemed personal, in my original post I had said a cash bonus is different. Also it is the combination of after work texts and calls that make me question the appropriateness of the gift/bonus


Yea, this makes sense and the backstory about your wife plays into it, too. Context is necessary to understanding why you’re feeling the way you do.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My old bosses bought me home some beautiful, expensive perfume from an OS trip, but it was from both of them, they were a married couple and the wife gave it to me.

This is a whole different scenario.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

bobert said:


> You are correct that forgiveness is necessary to reconcile, however forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. It does not mean things ever go back to "the way they were". It does not mean the BS will ever trust the WS the way they once did, which by the way does not mean they don't trust them. The trust does need to return, but it is forever changed. Boundaries are also forever changed. Infidelity changes and taints the marriage _forever. _That doesn't mean the couple hasn't "moved on", isn't happy, etc. It's just the way it is. It will always be part of their story.


This passage should be a sticky that is required reading for spouses considering reconciliation.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Whether this is innocent or not, your wife has had a work affair before and she should know better than to accept a gift like this from another man - especially one she works with. She should also know better than to develop close relationships with colleagues again. It's not HIM you need to "have a word with about boundaries", it is your wife.
> 
> The company I work for does gift items like liquor, gift cards, date nights, various baskets, etc. These items are gifted based on a draw, not the manager's favorites, and they are generic gifts. A purse that someone has been desperately wanting is not a generic gift. There are other giveaways as well, such as $400+ headphones to fully paid overseas vacations to 5 figure bonuses, but these are given to the top sellers or a raffle between the top sellers - not the boss's favorite. There is a difference between generic gifts, raffles, and incentives, and personalized gifts given for no apparent reason.


I do agree with this. I have had lots of gay guy friends that were not interested in sex and they can be like 'girlfriends'. He might just be clueless that this was uncool to do to another man's wife. He may not know about the affair. She however, is either being insensitive at best of deceitful at worst. She is beholden to you but he is not. I would talk to her. With the past affair, it is not surprising you are on edge about this.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Jimhardc said:


> Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


Would you be OK if her boss was female and doing the above? They sound more like close friends than employer/employee. So, you'd probably feel fine with it if you knew he was 100% gay. But you've met his partner you said? I think if you could confirm his 100% 'gayness' you'd be fine. Not sure how you might do that though.

It was expensive, sure, but he sounds very rich so to him it would have been nothing. He also sounds very flamboyant so it's kind of 'in character' iykwim.

I also think it's normal for a BS to feel insecure because I think it's almost impossible to feel 100% secure again, no matter how much time has passed. You can't 'force' yourself to trust, you gotta feel it. But so much of that depends on WS behaviour.

It may be nothing, he's gay and she's 100% open with you about their friendship which is what it is to me. She sees him every day so whatever discomfort you're feeling isn't going to go away. No point talking to him, it's not his issue at all.

If he was straight, it would be an emotional affair, i.e. the texts and calls afterhours etc.

So this is all about his 'gayness' or not in a way. If he was female there's be no problem.

But maybe it's a sign of something else?
Just how secure do you feel? You said you will never get over it. That's a shame cos it sounds as if you are still struggling, although 3 years has passed.
Is the marriage going OK?
Are you guys happy other than this?


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Jimhardc said:


> Hello, I‘m in need of some outside perspective.
> A few weeks ago my wife shows me a purse online that she really wanted so being a good husband I go to buy it and it was out of stock everywhere. Well today she sends me a picture of the purse on her desk and tells me her Boss bought it for her as a gift (This is not a cheap purse $200-300 he had a friend that could get it). She said that it came up in conversation and then now here it is. Now A cash bonus is one thing but a purse feels kinda personal to me. Back story a few years ago she had an affair with someone she had worked with, We have been working on that for along time now. I just will never get 100% over it. Am I wrong to think it’s inappropriate just my trust issues or what? Here’s the kicker I know her boss has a boyfriend (gay) or he is supposed to be just into men. But he doesn't have boundaries calls/texts about “work stuff” as late as 10pm. He will send her stupid texts that have nothing to do with work on weekends after work hours. Do I need to have a word with him about boundaries or let it be?


Totally out of line, ask her to set boundaries with this _(bad pronoun)_ or find another job. It's not your place to confront guy. Buy her the purse,
She's the love of your life, the 2.5 million Mona Lisa, I'd buy my wife that if she wanted it, well, she needs to feel you got her back, with a need she will feel special with, fulfill it, you will be a hero.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jim,

Even if the guy is gay he can still be a bad influence on your W every bit as much as a female friend who encourages her to cheat. She may even be running you down to this guy with him adding fuel to the fire.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Not overreacting given the history. You wife should have refused the gift. HR at my company would have a field day with this. Your problem is with your wife. And yes, I think he is trying to get with her.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Bobert - so should only those that have reconciled be allowed to give R advice?


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