# In a relationship with a widow



## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

If I am expecting too much, please, let set me straight. 

I have been seeing a woman for 13 months. She is a gorgeous woman, we have many shared hobbies, we get along very well, I love spending time with her, her happiness in contagious, she is very respectful, selfless and caring. She has met my family, who love her. She is turning me into a better man. We have been volunteering together, I have been spending more time with my family and appreciating them more. She has opened my eyes to many things. 

There are some parts of her life that she will not let me into, though. 

She is a widow, as of 2014. 

I have been to her home, which she shared with her husband, but not for long periods of time. Most of the time I am there long enough to pick her up for a date or watch a movie on the couch. The closest I have been to her bedroom is the hallway to it. I have never been in the bedroom, nor stayed over night. She has stayed overnight at my place many times. Every time that I have been at her house, if the bed isn’t made one side is slept in and the other is neatly tucked and untouched. She has a picture of her and her husband on her nightstand. Aside from that, the only pictures of her husband are in her son’s room. 

It took us a while to have sex, 6 months. The first time that we had sex we had to stop because she started crying and threw up. Our sex life is good now, but the beginning was very rocky. She cried the first 10 times at least. We have never had sex in her house. 

I haven’t been around her kids that often. She didn’t introduce them to me until we had been together 9 months, and it was very quick meetings until we had been together for a year. I have spent the day with them twice (zoo trip and theme park trip). Her kids are 4 and 6. My son is 7. She has been around my son many times. She treats him like her own and gets along with my ex-wife. At her request she met my ex-wife before my son so my ex would know who was meeting our son and in his life. 

She has her wedding/engagement rings and I have occasionally seen her wear them on her right hand. She doesn’t want me to touch them (happened once, to be fair). 

If it doesn’t involve her house or her kids, we get along very well and I have no concerns. These are the only concerns that I have. I divorced my ex-wife 6 years ago and I do not want to go back down that road, but I also don’t want to waste time. I do want to be married again, maybe have another child. 

Am I wrong? Selfish? An *******? To worry about these issues. Do I need to be smacked to straighten up? A widow is a new world to me, and I feel the need to tread carefully. But at some point she has to fully move on, to a life with me (or someone else), right? I don't want to always feel like the 3rd wheel, to a dead man. (Which, I do not always feel like but sometimes ^^^ it does).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This sounds a bit awkward to say, but she doesn't sound like she's past her past. I wouldn't expect her to be the proverbial merry widow but after 4 years she oughta be.

Do you know the circumstances surrounding her late husbands death? 

If you want to move forward I'd look into some couples counseling. Otherwise you'll find yourself having to compete with an ideation...


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

john117 said:


> This sounds a bit awkward to say, but she doesn't sound like she's past her past. I wouldn't expect her to be the proverbial merry widow but after 4 years she oughta be.
> 
> Do you know the circumstances surrounding her late husbands death?
> 
> If you want to move forward I'd look into some couples counseling. Otherwise you'll find yourself having to compete with an ideation...


Thank you for the reply. 

I agree that she still has hangups regarding her late husband. Should she be moved on by now? At least more so than she is?

Her husband was in the military. He was deployed in 2014. He came home on leave to surprise her and was killed in a car accident 7 minutes from their house. She received a call saying he was dead, but not in the way she expected. 

Would couples counseling be a good step at this point in our relationship? It's not too soon? It feels crazy to do it, that's were I sat with my ex before we divorced.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

srhhp said:


> Thank you for the reply.
> 
> I agree that she still has hangups regarding her late husband. Should she be moved on by now? At least more so than she is?
> 
> ...


When I was on a contract a few months ago a group of us started talking about dating after divorce,separation etc.ALL of the older men AND women were of the opinion to never date a widow or widower,at least for five years after the death of their spouse.
It’s hard enough competing wit an ex,competing with a dead ex is impossible.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Did they have a good marriage ? Did he die of an illness?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Did they have a good marriage ? Did he die of an illness?


The op explained that the husband died in a car crash.


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> srhhp said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you for the reply.
> ...


It does feel like I am competing with a dead man. Maybe it's too soon for her... I don't want to say that she shouldn't ever be with someone, that isn't fair. She is otherwise a great partner. I don't want to end the relationship. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> Did they have a good marriage ? Did he die of an illness?


Copying from my earlier post, "Her husband was in the military. He was deployed in 2014. He came home on leave to surprise her and was killed in a car accident 7 minutes from their house. She received a call saying he was dead, but not in the way she expected." He was killed in a car accident.

She doesn't talk about him or their marriage often. From what she has said and her friends have told me, they had a very good marriage. I don't want to say it but it seems it would almost be easier if they had a bad marriage. He was stationed or deployed for a good chunk of their marriage. She has said once that she was so use to him being gone that it doesn't feel real that he's really gone now. She was in therapy in the past, she no longer is.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your widow isn't ready to be in a relationship. 

It's been 5 years for me and I can honestly say that I will probably never be ready (we were married for 43 years so that may have some bearing). I don't care, either.

There is no time table for this and there is no time for when a person 'ought' to be ready. I'm pointing the finger at you, @john117:bsflag:

It would be pointless to issue an ultimatum so I recommend you move on. She may come to realize that it is time for her to take steps to put her marriage behind her - i.e. remove her husband's photo from her nightstand or change housing. It has to be on her time, though. At this point, she isn't willing to/can't give her heart to another man.


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Your widow isn't ready to be in a relationship.
> 
> It's been 5 years for me and I can honestly say that I will probably never be ready (we were married for 43 years so that may have some bearing). I don't care, either.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your experienced input. 

Do you date at all, or have no interest? She says she wants to be with someone, maybe I'm not the right person. She was with her husband for 13 years, married 9. Died in her 20's. I think of it differently than someone who spent their whole life with the man. Maybe I shouldn't.

I have never planned on putting an ultimatum on the table. I (perhaps foolishly) hoped she would fall in love with me and move on from him. Prior to meeting her my friends and family warned me not to date her (or any widow). I love her, I could see myself with her, she could be a great partner and wife. Bad timing, maybe...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

john117 said:


> This sounds a bit awkward to say, but she doesn't sound like she's past her past. I wouldn't expect her to be the proverbial merry widow but after 4 years she oughta be.
> 
> Do you know the circumstances surrounding her late husbands death?
> 
> If you want to move forward I'd look into some couples counseling. Otherwise you'll find yourself having to compete with an ideation...


*She's holding a torch and is not completely through grieving his death!

If she's anywhere near being serious about you, she'd be more receptive to your presence and less receptive to his!

Time for a "heart to heart" talk with her! You do not deserve this treatment by her!*


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I would advise continuing your relationship IF you can get over the fact that she still has connections to her husband. A relationship where the goal is to go out, have fun, learn & live.... not to increase your level of commitment. I can 100% agree with waiting a longtime before introducing you to kids.. and maybe having problems bringing you into their marital house.

Also, don't expect your sex frequency to go up, it only goes down as you increase levels of commitment.

Also, dont expect her to one day wake up realizing she is over her deceased husband


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I see a distinct Good and well, not great for the OP.

Maybe I'm so used to seeing where the relationships that come out of other long term relationships being so bad and toxic, you never know what happened in the previous relationship. Did it end because she cheated, her Ex Cheated, etc and then you find out the hard way later on. I guess what I'm saying is that the GOOD in this is that the GF seems to have a lot of character. She has valued her previous relationship and seems to honor it but the way that it ended, abruptly and unexpectedly, is why we have the not so great for OP.

Again, I think the way she holds her relationship with her husband who was taken too soon as more or a positive than a negative, her commitment and her love, care, etc. I don't think she has to let him go and I don't think OP has to compete with OM. This just has to be a different relationship not a replacement. My STBXW's Dad, has finally found someone that I think he will share the rest of his life with after losing his wife to Cancer about 20 years ago. There are still a few pictures of his first wife in the house and the current wife doesn't care, she even embraces the woman that his first wife was, one of great character, love, etc. The current wife doesn't want to replace her, just wants to live in the present and the future. They even went so as far to buy plots where his first wife, him and his current wife will be buried in the same cemetery next to each other.

She may never get over her first husband but I don't feel she has to. If OP wants to continue this he will just have to make a new mark on her life and they can enjoy the present and future together, IMO.


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> I would advise continuing your relationship IF you can get over the fact that she still has connections to her husband. A relationship where the goal is to go out, have fun, learn & live.... not to increase your level of commitment. I can 100% agree with waiting a longtime before introducing you to kids.. and maybe having problems bringing you into their marital house.
> 
> Also, don't expect your sex frequency to go up, it only goes down as you increase levels of commitment.
> 
> Also, dont expect her to one day wake up realizing she is over her deceased husband


I can accept that another man is always going to hold a place in her heart, I think. He's her late husband, I don't like saying her husband and catch myself wanting to say ex. It's difficult to adjust to, I guess. I want to respect her and the relationship she had with him.

I want our relationship to progress. It's still too soon, and I wouldn't rush into anything, but I could see myself marrying her. She wants to be married again, as well. 

Is it normal for single parents to hold off on introducing their kids to a new partner? I introduced her to my child much earlier. I was the first man she intro'd her kids to. 

Our sex life at my place is good. We have sex every time she is over, and it's good sex. She is very into it and I'm totally happy with it. She has a high sex drive (1-3x a day), as long as we are not at her house.

Should I expect her to ever be "over" him? Or is it fair to say this will be as good as it gets? She has said she wants to sell the house at some point (not planned for the near future), and maybe that would improve things.


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I see a distinct Good and well, not great for the OP.
> 
> Maybe I'm so used to seeing where the relationships that come out of other long term relationships being so bad and toxic, you never know what happened in the previous relationship. Did it end because she cheated, her Ex Cheated, etc and then you find out the hard way later on. I guess what I'm saying is that the GOOD in this is that the GF seems to have a lot of character. She has valued her previous relationship and seems to honor it but the way that it ended, abruptly and unexpectedly, is why we have the not so great for OP.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that story.

I have no intention of replacing her late husband. Maybe I am poorly executing that... Finding the right balance of him and me. For her kids, I want to be a male role model/father figure/step father, but I don't intend on trying to replace their dad.

I want to be the one she leans on and goes to for support. I don't want her to feel like she is cheating on her late husband by having me in the house or her bed. Maybe that will come with time...


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

This is very sad! For everybody. 

If I were to put on her shoes, I imagine I'd do everything the same as she. She seems like a very good person. If this was her first, and deepest love, she may never be ready for another husband, despite her saying she is. Her ability, no fault of her own, to pair bond may be permanently disabled. Psychologists have a saying, ''neurons that fire together, wire together''. She is still (permanently??) hard wired to her husband. 

Unless, she recognizes herself that she needs to actively get counselled in overcoming the lose, I think you'll never be more than a 3rd wheel. Again, no ones fault.

As for the OP, not sure what to say. Accept her timeline, or exit gracefully?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

srhhp said:


> Thank you for that story.
> 
> I have no intention of replacing her late husband. Maybe I am poorly executing that... Finding the right balance of him and me. For her kids, I want to be a male role model/father figure/step father, but I don't intend on trying to replace their dad.
> 
> I want to be the one she leans on and goes to for support. I don't want her to feel like she is cheating on her late husband by having me in the house or her bed. Maybe that will come with time...


Nope, you didn't imply that, it was kind of mentioned in others' posts about her getting over her late husband or not.

And yes, I think that can come in time. Again, I see more positives in her for the way she is 'guarding' her memories and kids. That shows me her level of care for the family and a good trait as a partner and mother.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

srhhp said:


> I can accept that another man is always going to hold a place in her heart, I think.


After a while that stuff gets real old, always feeling like the consolation prize and everyone thinking he was her REAL love while you're just an acceptable replacement.


> Our sex life at my place is good. We have sex every time she is over, and it's good sex. She is very into it and I'm totally happy with it. She has a high sex drive (1-3x a day), as long as we are not at her house.


I'm starting to get the feeling that she views your place as Fantasy-land where she can do whatever she wants and feel however she wants, and basically BE whoever she wants to be. But home is a different story. That's where her life with her late husband was and still very much IS. It's sacred ground and she's a much different person there. 


> Should I expect her to ever be "over" him? Or is it fair to say this will be as good as it gets? She has said she wants to sell the house at some point (not planned for the near future), and maybe that would improve things.


 While I have all the compassion in the world for her as it sounds simply horrible what she's been through, at the same time, I don't think you should keep lowering your expectations and and trying to find ways to accept less than you deserve. 

Right now, you're already thinking of a future with her and you're setting yourself up for a fall. She's not NEARLY ready for anything along those lines and it will be years before she is. And quite honestly, as long as she stays in that house it's probably going to continue the way it's been going for a long, long time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, I don't date and kindly reject men's advances. Although, I would enjoy their company; it wouldn't be fair to them.

Do you know how many men she dated after his death and before you? Are you her first sexual partner since his death (my guess is yes, given her reactions)?

Her children were very young when he died and he was gone so much they most likely have few memories of him. The wanting to keep the marital home a 'marital home' is telling. Since she was accustomed to him being gone a lot, it may be that she is used to being on her own and doesn't want a man to lay claim to it. This is all speculation as only she knows her motivations.

As it stands, you would like for her to turn into marriage material and she is skipping along as best she can and enjoying your company as long as it doesn't interfere with her insulated life. You can continue as is or start to distance yourself and see if she makes up the distance (moving emotionally closer to you). I wish you luck with this relationship. Yes, it was unfortunate timing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Copying from my earlier post, "Her husband was in the military. He was deployed in 2014. He came home on leave to surprise her and was killed in a car accident 7 minutes from their house. She received a call saying he was dead, but not in the way she expected." He was killed in a car accident.

She doesn't talk about him or their marriage often. From what she has said and her friends have told me, they had a very good marriage. I don't want to say it but it seems it would almost be easier if they had a bad marriage. He was stationed or deployed for a good chunk of their marriage. She has said once that she was so use to him being gone that it doesn't feel real that he's really gone now. She was in therapy in the past, she no longer is.[/QUOTE]

your exactly right however it is amazing how people in a bad marriage at times tend to think of only the good times, and pine for them, in your case you are fighting an uphill battle against a ghost who will always be perfect in her mind. i don't see this working out well my friend.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I think you should stay in this relationship. It sounds like you
and her are both very good people who care a lot for each other.
Some things I think you need to understand however. He was her 
husband and the father of her children. If he was not deceased she
would no doubt be with him. He was deployed but died on his way 
home to her and his family. Just a few miles from home, not while 
in a military operation. She is probably still dealing with that. 

He will always be part of her life. Make your own place in her life.
Don't ever discuss him unless she does. Women in general wait a 
long time to introduce a man to their kids. Since she has that could
be a sign she is growing closer to you. If you care about her it 
will take some time. You are a new relationship to her and her 
marriage ended so tragically . Maybe you and her should consider 
counseling for her. Just be there for her and let her know that
you care.


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> This is very sad! For everybody.
> 
> If I were to put on her shoes, I imagine I'd do everything the same as she. She seems like a very good person. If this was her first, and deepest love, she may never be ready for another husband, despite her saying she is. Her ability, no fault of her own, to pair bond may be permanently disabled. Psychologists have a saying, ''neurons that fire together, wire together''. She is still (permanently??) hard wired to her husband.
> 
> ...


I don’t know what I’d do if I were in her shoes. I think, all things considering, she is handling herself and her situation well. I’m not a psychologist though, so who am I to judge. I can say that I understand the bond that she still has to her late husband, but in truth I will never truly understand it. The relationship that I have with my ex-wife is on another planet. 

Her late husband was her first long-term relationship and they were high school sweethearts. I don’t know if that is a factor in this or not, but that’s a tidbit of information. 

I think to an extent I can accept her timeline. The problem is that I don’t know what that looks like. I do want to be married again, and I do think I want one more child. I don’t have a set deadline in my head, such as by the end of the year I want to be engaged. But in the next 3 years, I can see myself married with another little one. Considering another child does put on a deadline, in a way. 

The easiest answer, I think, is that I need to have an honest conversation with her. How I’m going to do that without pressuring her or coming off the wrong way has yet to be decided. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> After a while that stuff gets real old, always feeling like the consolation prize and everyone thinking he was her REAL love while you're just an acceptable replacement.
> I'm starting to get the feeling that she views your place as Fantasy-land where she can do whatever she wants and feel however she wants, and basically BE whoever she wants to be. But home is a different story. That's where her life with her late husband was and still very much IS. It's sacred ground and she's a much different person there.
> While I have all the compassion in the world for her as it sounds simply horrible what she's been through, at the same time, I don't think you should keep lowering your expectations and and trying to find ways to accept less than you deserve.
> 
> Right now, you're already thinking of a future with her and you're setting yourself up for a fall. She's not NEARLY ready for anything along those lines and it will be years before she is. And quite honestly, as long as she stays in that house it's probably going to continue the way it's been going for a long, long time.


I haven’t thought about that before… I have struggled with wrapping my mind around the fact that if her late husband was still alive, she’d still be with him with no intent of ever leaving. Given the choice, she’d choose to bring him back and be with him (she hasn’t said that, I’m just assuming). Feeling like the consolation prize is not something that I want to be stuck with. 

Is that a bad thing? I wouldn’t say that she is a different person at my home vs hers, but her actions are different. There are no constraints at my home and when we are together her late husband isn’t on my mind (and I don’t think he is on hers, at least not that she shows or says). At her house, it’s a different story. We have just (today) started making out, on the couch, at her house. Just doing that was hard for her. The easy answer for me has been to avoid being at her house, which she hasn’t opposed to. Since she has kids, that’s not always possible unless I’m not going to see her. 



Blondilocks said:


> No, I don't date and kindly reject men's advances. Although, I would enjoy their company; it wouldn't be fair to them.
> 
> Do you know how many men she dated after his death and before you? Are you her first sexual partner since his death (my guess is yes, given her reactions)?
> 
> ...


She hasn’t had any other relationships besides myself. She went on a few dates but as far as I know didn’t eve kiss them and didn’t progress past 1-2 dates. I am her first sexual partner since her late husband’s death. 

Her kids are 4 and 6. The youngest never met his dad. The other was 2 and I’m guessing the only memories, if any, would be video calls. I need to talk to her more about it, to see where her mind really is. 

Would distancing myself from her be helpful, or harmful? I don’t want to play mind games. I also don’t want to lose her from doing something stupid. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> Copying from my earlier post, "Her husband was in the military. He was deployed in 2014. He came home on leave to surprise her and was killed in a car accident 7 minutes from their house. She received a call saying he was dead, but not in the way she expected." He was killed in a car accident.
> 
> She doesn't talk about him or their marriage often. From what she has said and her friends have told me, they had a very good marriage. I don't want to say it but it seems it would almost be easier if they had a bad marriage. He was stationed or deployed for a good chunk of their marriage. She has said once that she was so use to him being gone that it doesn't feel real that he's really gone now. She was in therapy in the past, she no longer is.


your exactly right however it is amazing how people in a bad marriage at times tend to think of only the good times, and pine for them, in your case you are fighting an uphill battle against a ghost who will always be perfect in her mind. i don't see this working out well my friend.[/QUOTE]

From what I have heard they had a good marriage, whether or not she is only focusing on the positive I’m not sure. A friend of mine said she would romanticize her previous marriage and I’d never be able to live up to it. I don’t know if that is true or not, but your post made me remember that conversation. She hasn't told me about any complaints in our relationship.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Your widow isn't ready to be in a relationship.
> 
> It's been 5 years for me and I can honestly say that I will probably never be ready (we were married for 43 years so that may have some bearing). I don't care, either.
> 
> There is no time table for this and there is no time for when a person 'ought' to be ready. I'm pointing the finger at you, @john117:bsflag:


My brother passed on in a rather short time (colon cancer) and his widow, quite attractive in her early 40s back then, and rather well off to do thanks to inheritance, hasn't gotten into the marriage or dating rotation for a decade or more. Not necessarily because of grief, but because she did not feel the need to. At best, she's friends with one of my best friends from college who never married. 

There's no timeline to put anything behind you, but at the same time there's no point dating someone like that and constantly competing with an ideation if your expectations and hers aren't the same.

I know several widows like my sister in law back home. They were in good marriages and felt they were not interested in going through it again.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maybe in a weird way, she feels like she's betraying him. That could be? She certainly isn't, but that could be why it took so long to have sex and she became ill during it. It isn't you, it's just maybe she sees herself as doing something wrong by dating anyone.


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## srhhp (Jun 26, 2018)

*Deidre* said:


> Maybe in a weird way, she feels like she's betraying him. That could be? She certainly isn't, but that could be why it took so long to have sex and she became ill during it. It isn't you, it's just maybe she sees herself as doing something wrong by dating anyone.


That is at least part of the reason. I know that it factored into taking so long to have sex and how she reacted to it (I still am trying to erase that reaction from my mind). It also factors into why she doesn't want me in her house, and especially the bedroom or any intimacy in the house. It's like she's waiting for her husband to walk in at any moment.

I am going to try and have an open and honest talk with her. To try and understand more and see if we are on the same page. She says that she is, but we need to talk more about it.


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## Justin J (Oct 1, 2017)

My guess is that she is not over what has happened. When you have the love of your life taken away unexpectedly it would be hard to get over. Although if she wants to move on she is going to have to take those steps


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is so terribly sad, for everyone involved. Absolutely tragic that her youngest child never met his Dad 

She's not ready OP, not even close. My Dad passed away 6 years ago, he and Mum were married for 41 years and she is certainly not ready to date. She'll never marry again.

If I lost my darling husband, I couldn't ever be with another man either, especially if he died, it wasn't his choice to leave me, I would feel like I was betraying him.

She was very wise to hold off introducing you to the children - more people should do that. 

I don't know what to advise you to do, but I am thinking of you all.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here's the truly funny thing. I believe I am almost 100% in the exact position of your widow lady-friend, and I personally see some hope for the relationship if you're willing to be patient. 

I was divorced in my mid-30's and that is when I went through the years of soul-searching, maturing, and learning how to be content with my own self. I was single for several years (I tried dating but just HATED it, so I just stopped ) and out of the blue I met my Dear Hubby. He was 5 years older than me, and at a time when I thought "Who'd want the responsibility of a later 30's mom with two kids?" I met a man who had five kids and was looking for a woman who loved children! My Dear Hubby posted here on TAM and I'm here to tell ya, we loved each other. He was a man I deeply admired, a man I enjoyed, and a man I adored with 100% of my heart--everything. But he had congestive heart failure and although I could see he was deteriorating, it was a shock when he died 10 months ago. 

Now I could have sworn up one side and down the other that I would never, ever love again, and I would have been completely honest. I had no desire to have a relationship or get to know anyone else--shoot being in a relationship takes effort and give-and-take and I had just been caregiver to a man who died in my arms. Nope--I was good, thanks...and plus we had one of those loves that people hope for, and you know, lightening doesn't strike twice like that, so no worries, I just sincerely planned to be the lady who goes to church and does potlucks and be a great Gramma.

And then I met someone. He is a very decent man who is completely different than my Dear Hubby and the kind of man I can look up to and admire. As I got to know him, I kept thinking this just could not be true--but how often do you meet and get to know a TRULY quality person, whom you connect with and enjoy and have so much in common? it's pretty rare! 

So I've had to change my entire way of thinking. Yeah, at times I feel like it's "too soon" and maybe the odds are against us, but we talk about that honestly and he gets it--that I will always have dear, loving memories of Dear Hubby but that what I have with him is HIS. And if Dear Hubby had lived, yep I would not have looked at him once, much less twice, but the real life truth is that Dear Hubby did NOT LIVE and I DID. I have to actually get over the feeling of "having to" be a certain way or feel a certain way because it's been ___ long or too long or not long enough, etc. I mourn the way I mourn and I think I was able to process some of it somewhat faster because I'd already divorced and knew how to take care of myself and be okay by myself. But the point is that it's in my time--not someone else's, and not by some "should she be further along?" kind of timeline. People just grow differently. 

So based on my own experience and what you've written about your widow lady-friend, I would say she has some hang-up about you and the kids and the house--I mean clearly she's got something going on. However, I'd also say look at her actions: she IS loving toward you and IS kind and thoughtful toward you, so her actions say that at minimum she is trying to work through how to do this. Maybe she doesn't have all the answers. Maybe she doesn't know how to move past this "introduce you to the kids" or "am I betraying him?" feeling. Maybe...maybe...maybe. We could speculate until the cows come home!

But I would say I see definite effort on her part to keep moving, keep growing, and keep doing her best in a new relationship. I would recommend having a good heart-to-heart with her about the kids, her house, and feeling like a 3rd wheel sometimes, and just be honest with her. Let her be honest with you back. I have a feeling there is some hope here.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Hmmm. It's hard to say. These definitely could be red flags. Kind of like she hasn't let her husband go and is still clinging on to that. This could be red flags that she is not one to look to for a future wife. On the other 13 months is a while but still not that long. Time could be needed

I'll be honest, you coming right out and talking to her directly about everything is probably needed. You can't "guess" and "read the signals" for this one. You have to openly discuss this. 

Tell her you care for her or love her and that you have noticed her "shrine" to the deceased husband within her house, wearing the wedding rings, not letting you spend time with her child. Tell her this worries you as far as you two moving forward at all. Get it out in the open and talk about it. This will probably tell you what you need to know as far as ending things or to make this work moving forward.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

srhhp said:


> If I am expecting too much, please, let set me straight.
> 
> I have been seeing a woman for 13 months. She is a gorgeous woman, we have many shared hobbies, we get along very well, I love spending time with her, her happiness in contagious, she is very respectful, selfless and caring. She has met my family, who love her. She is turning me into a better man. We have been volunteering together, I have been spending more time with my family and appreciating them more. She has opened my eyes to many things.
> 
> ...


What you need to keep in mind, is that she didn't choose to lose her husband. She didn't _want _to move on, if she could, she'd be with her husband. Which is an entirely different situation than you, or anyone else, choosing to leave someone who you hate. Moving away from something unpleasant is easy. Moving away from something that made you happy, and made your life worth living, is not.

It's possible that she'll never get over her husband, and I'd say she has every right not too. But that doesn't mean she can't love someone else. If you're patient, then you could potentially have a great future with her. Expecting her to behave as though her husband never existed is very unwise, and unrealistic. She's a widow, not a divorcee.


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