# Why do some people have to be the controller?



## winner54 (Aug 12, 2008)

I'm finally getting divorced, after 38 yrs of marriage and most of that being "conditioned" to take his crap. It was either "you caused this", "you don't know what you're talking about", "don't be so naive'", "if you hadn't done xxxx, then I wouldn't have had to do xxxxx". Everytime we tried to talk about the problems in our marriage, he would twist my words to make it sound like everything was my fault....even his affair(s)! I had read a good book on emotional abuse and cried because there were so many scenario's that were identical to mine. That's when I realized that the marriage could never work 'till we were old and gray. Well, we're now 57 and 60....but at least I'll finally be free of his warped way of thinking.
Now comes the part of splitting things up, determining support $, all that stuff. But I'm immune to his emotional & mental battery now, so I'm pretty sure I can get through this. The only sad part is, for the time being, he has soured me on any kind of relationship after this. I might have one foot in the grave by the time I think about loving someone again.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

very sorry for your pain. sorry you had to endure these issues for so long, why? 

sounds like you married a bad egg, but not all men are like that


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

winner54 said:


> he would twist my words to make it sound like everything was my fault....even his affair(s)! I had read a good book on emotional abuse and cried because there were so many scenario's that were identical to mine.


I got this far before before I found something specific to comment on: nobody caused anybody to choose to have an affair. If he won't even own his own choices, then there's not much to say.



winner54 said:


> The only sad part is, for the time being, he has soured me on any kind of relationship after this. I might have one foot in the grave by the time I think about loving someone again.


This, on the other hand, would be your choice. I would not recommend starting another relationship before ending this relationship, but since you are ending this marriage, it's your choice if you want to carry the resentment around with you and let it poison the rest of your life.

You get to choose what and who you will allow in your own life, and you get to choose whether or not to learn from this experience and let it go or just re-live it over and over and stay stuck.


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## sxLess (Oct 3, 2011)

Men don't have to be the controller.
I'm a man, I was emotionally abused, manipulated and controlled for 8 of my 11 year relationship. She took my childhood and my youth (we were 12 when we started dating) and made me feel like I was less than nothing during a crucial period in my cognitive development. Because of this I suffer from depression and terrible self-esteem and self-image.

You are most-certainly not alone, but it's not always men doing the wrong.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

SxLess, you *chose *to give that woman your youth. You could have walked away, right? What are you doing to heal yourself now?

I sure understand feeling like there are no good men out there. By the time I met my husband, I was very bitter because of other men that I dated. I attracted losers who told needless lies, users and controllers, because I had low self esteem. I did not meet my decent guy until I started to realize what I deserved.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> SxLess, you *chose *to give that woman your youth. You could have walked away, right? What are you doing to heal yourself now?
> 
> I sure understand feeling like there are no good men out there. By the time I met my husband, I was very bitter because of other men that I dated. I attracted losers who told needless lies, users and controllers, because I had low self esteem. I did not meet my decent guy until I started to realize what I deserved.


Why arn't you lamb basting her for generaliseing

I guess your selective in who you answer question which generlise.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> SxLess, you *chose *to give that woman your youth. You could have walked away, right? What are you doing to heal yourself now?


Yes and no. He could have walked away, but a persons emotional and intellectual development are much different at 12-14 then at 22-24 or later. I hold someone far less responsible for those things at that young age. What they are fully responsible for is what are they doing now to heal themselves.


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

It isn't always the man. Woman are just as capable of being controlling or emotionally abusive. I am sorry for what you have endured and I hope you find the happiness you deserve! Good luck.


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## Councillor (Oct 5, 2011)

I't makes me sad to hear that, I went through the same sort of abuse. Until my friend recommended a book called Woman Vs Womaniser. I cried my eyes out when this book pointed out in black and white how foolish I had been.

Never mind you will heal real quick, depending on how you look at it. I decided it was a lesson and I was grateful for it. I suggest you do the same!


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

Psychologically people in general try to control you in relationships and it actually comes down to their own self worth in themselves, they feel if you give you choice or power in any situation you will chose to just leave and then they will be alone. Sounds like this guy needs to go see someone about his self worth issues. He has some deep underlying problems he needs to deal with himself.

However for you, you need to step aside and enjoy life as much as you can.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is not a true man. Yes, he has a penis, but he wasn't being a good example of men.

Don't let it sour you again men. Just learn from it so you don't end up with the same type the next time.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Why arn't you lamb basting her for generaliseing
> 
> I guess your selective in who you answer question which generlise.


:lol::lol: Feel better now? You're very spiteful.

Not getting drawn into an argument with you again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This thread reminds me of my own experience, as with all but one woman in the past either than my wife I had to be more then a leader, but a controller. They were the type of women I had to drag along, instead of walking side by side with. Nothing wrong with them sure, but they lacked backbone. The emotional abuse went both ways however, I played a lot of games to stop me from boredom, and they played a lot of games such as emotional blackmail to keep me from walking, the worst being my last ex.

It wasn't a self esteem issue as such, but I do have issues loving someone who I simply can't respect, and for me to respect someone they must have some measure of strength (I lived a difficult childhood which messed up my head). I always encourage women to be stronger due to the rarity, when I met my wife I was simply blown away, and even though I complain and get frustrated over how it's a wrestling game with her, I love it as much as I hate it - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also wish our daughter to be raised in the same mindset - I don't plan on teaching her how to be sub-ordinate but how to understand action and consequence, and later, how to be strong enough to get what she wants, and how to stand up for herself once she comes of age.

I'm probably far from a nice guy, but I know men who are very different from me. Just as there are strong women and other women, there are good and bad guys amongst men. You simply can't generalise, if I did, I would have been to blind to see the strength in my wife, and I wouldn't have found her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why?

Someone's got to get **** done while you're shoe shopping.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

This thread has been closed. The title of the thread (which was edited) was sexist. We do not allow sexist statements on TAM because they tend to make people angry and take away from the supportive environment we wish to create here. No one likes to be generalized about.

Please see our forum rules: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html


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