# In laws



## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Short bg: ive never had a great relationship with my in laws. They r nice people but ever since my wife and I got married and had kids they have been generally uninvolved grandparents. And they only live 5 miles away. They've never offered to babysit, take the kids for the night, they've missed bday gifts, graduation gifts, etc. The only thing is the grandma loves to cook so she brings food a lot. But other than that, nada. I just accepted it for who they were but recently my youngest was diagnosed with a disease that threatened her life. People around us, strangers all helped out but wifes parents were the same. Cooked food but otherwise emotionally and physically and even financially absent. Didnt even give a gift for the kids bday after she was diagnosed. Grandfather visited us 2 times in a year as she was fighting. Again even though they were 5 miles away. Its been a sore spot for me and my wife and we have clashed about it a lot especially since my parents have gone over and above for us and our child. Am i overreacting or am I right to hold their feet to the fire?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

HMM...
On one hand that is low engagement.

On the other hand what do you mean hold their feet to the fire?

Do they owe you something? 

What would holding their feet to the fire look like?


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> HMM...
> On one hand that is low engagement.
> 
> On the other hand what do you mean hold their feet to the fire?
> ...


I guess calling them out on their behavior. If not for us, at least for their granddaughter. Especially since wife constantly defends their lack of engagement. But you r right. Not sure what I would expect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Everyone shows love in different ways. Maybe they are the sort of people who don't remember things like birthday's, does your wife remind them? Her food contributions are I am sure valuable and probably her way of showing she cares. 
Not everyone wants to be a doting grandparent, we are all different.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Superman30 said:


> I guess calling them out on their behavior. If not for us, at least for their granddaughter. Especially since wife constantly defends their lack of engagement. But you r right. Not sure what I would expect.


Comparing them to your family to your wife is a bad idea, no wonder she defends them, they are her parents.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not unless you want to make enemies of them and really, really make your wife angry. No one is going to appreciate you telling them what they should be doing. BTDT. My in-laws did things much differently than my parents did but pointing out to them how things might be improved accomplished nothing positive. Don’t.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Not unless you want to make enemies of them and really, really make your wife angry. No one is going to appreciate you telling them what they should be doing. BTDT. My in-laws did things much differently than my parents did but pointing out to them how things might be improved accomplished nothing positive. Don’t.


Again, I accepted them for who they are. If anything this recent diagnosis cemented their apathy. But if wife is always complaining about my parents (who admittedly are difficult, but have done so much for us) why are her parents off limits?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Not unless you want to make enemies of them and really, really make your wife angry. No one is going to appreciate you telling them what they should be doing. BTDT. My in-laws did things much differently than my parents did but pointing out to them how things might be improved accomplished nothing positive. Don’t.


This could free you of future obligations. Don't want to drop everything to go to the hospital? Run errands and so forth..... Whoops too busy, will be available next week.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Comparing them to your family to your wife is a bad idea, no wonder she defends them, they are her parents.


Read my post again. I said I accepted them for who they are, but if she is complaining about my parents (who have done so much but can admittedly be difficult at times) i can call hers out to for basically being deadbeat grandparents especially with a granddaughter who is fighting for her life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let them go. They are who they are. You can’t fix that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Superman30 said:


> I guess calling them out on their behavior. If not for us, at least for their granddaughter. Especially since wife constantly defends their lack of engagement. But you r right. Not sure what I would expect.


Calling them out on 'their behavior' still implies you somehow think you get to decide how they behave. What is proper grandparent behavior?

Have you ever asked them to babysit?
Do they make promises and then break them?
How old is your daughter?

If you are worried about the lack of present prior to the birthday then you give them a reminder or such. Again no one is obligated to buy presents for people. Is it nice sure. 

And I love the 'even financially' absent like that's the least they could do. People don't owe you or your daughter money or presents. You seem a little entitled.

I do think many grandparents babysit and buy presents but they don't have to. Have you ever thought maybe they don't have as much money as you think they do? I remember my mom would buy kids lots of crappy stuff at the dollar store for no particular reason but to have stuff for them to play when they visit. At the same time SHE didn't have medicine that she needed to stay alive. So yeah she was popular grandma. And we all miss her because she's dead. I'm sure we would have preferred she buy medicine instead of toys.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Everyone shows love in different ways. Maybe they are the sort of people who don't remember things like birthday's, does your wife remind them? Her food contributions are I am sure valuable and probably her way of showing she cares.
> Not everyone wants to be a doting grandparent, we are all different.


Yes, I remind them every year because their granddaughter is hurt when they dont even acknowledge her birthday. Still nada.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Superman30 said:


> Read my post again. I said I accepted them for who they are, but if she is complaining about my parents (who have done so much but can admittedly be difficult at times) i can call hers out to for basically being deadbeat grandparents especially with a granddaughter who is fighting for her life.


Oh so you don't really want to call them out. You want to fight with your wife during a very stressful time for both of you over who has better parents.

THINK about that. You and your wife have a child fighting for her life and you want to fight with your wife instead of just loving her. I don't know what she is complaining about your parents but you two need to get some emotional assistance because this is very trying times that either bring you together or rip you apart. Try the together thing it seems to work way better for me and my husband.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Calling them out on 'their behavior' still implies you somehow think you get to decide how they behave. What is proper grandparent behavior?
> 
> Have you ever asked them to babysit?
> Do they make promises and then break them?
> ...


A grandmother cant be bothered to buy a birthday present for her grandchild who is fighting stage 4 cancer? Maybe your expectations are too low.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Superman30 said:


> Again, I accepted them for who they are. If anything this recent diagnosis cemented their apathy. But if wife is always complaining about my parents (who admittedly are difficult, but have done so much for us) why are her parents off limits?


Is your wife complaining to your parents or to you? Obviously, there’s a difference. You want to hold her parents’ feet to the fire (in your words) and that means complaining to them and not to her. They won’t thank you for your observations and they very likely won’t change the way they do things. All you will accomplish is the satisfaction of telling them what you think of them. That’s rarely worth it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Superman30 said:


> A grandmother cant be bothered to buy a birthday present for her grandchild who is fighting stage 4 cancer? Maybe your expectations are too low.


Nope I take people as they are. Maybe you expect things that people don't owe you. 

But if you have already talked with them and nothing has changed what do you propose? You are going to call them out again? You are going to fight with your wife about them? She is going to make them change?

When you have talked to them has it been an open honest non-confrontational talk or has it been geez you guys didn't even get so and so a present.

I can't change them. I can't change you. 

I'm simply offering you will find life much more surprising and enjoyable if you are happy for things that do happen like someone bringing you food, than sad over all the things that don't.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Is your wife complaining to your parents or to you? Obviously, there’s a difference. You want to hold her parents’ feet to the fire (in your words) and that means complaining to them and not to her. They won’t thank you for your observations and they very likely won’t change the way they do things. All you will accomplish is the satisfaction of telling them what you think of them. That’s rarely worth it.


Complaining to me. So I basically bring up her parents for their lack of engagement during the most difficult time of our life. I dont think its unreasonable to expect help or emotional support from grandparents who live 5 mile away.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you were to ask them (just you, not your wife) why they can't be bothered to buy your daughter a birthday present, what would they say? Whatever it is, I'd tell them, "I'm buying a present for her and putting your name on it. When she thanks you for it, have the decency to say, 'you're welcome'." If that doesn't send a message to them, they're dead inside.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Nope I take people as they are. Maybe you expect things that people don't owe you.
> 
> But if you have already talked with them and nothing has changed what do you propose? You are going to call them out again? You are going to fight with your wife about them? She is going to make them change?
> 
> ...


Fair enough. Then she shouldnt complain about my parents who have moved heaven and earth to cure their grandchild while her parents sit on the sidelines and do nothing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Superman30 said:


> Complaining to me. So I basically bring up her parents for their lack of engagement during the most difficult time of our life. I dont think its unreasonable to expect help or emotional support from grandparents who live 5 mile away.


I’m very sorry for what you and your family are going through but your in-laws aren’t capable, or aren’t willing, to give you what you need. It’s your wife’s place to ask for help from them and if she chooses not to then it would be better for you to let it go. That situation isn’t something you can fix.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I’m very sorry for what you and your family are going through but your in-laws aren’t capable, or aren’t willing, to give you what you need. It’s your wife’s place to ask for help from them and if she chooses not to then it would be better for you to let it go. That situation isn’t something you can fix.


Its the most reasonable advice.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Does your wife have siblings and children against which you can compare your situation to?


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

NTA said:


> Does your wife have siblings and children against which you can compare your situation to?


No. My 2 kids are their only grandkids. She has 3 youngers sibs, two are married with no kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you and your wife agree to stop criticising each others parents.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

You're never going to force people to do that which isn't in their nature to do. In a perfect world, grandparents would be engaged and not be difficult. Don't let it be something that causes a problem in your marriage. Both sets of grandparents are what they are. I'd say her parents are giving up a lot but on the other hand, why would you want people involved who don't want to be?

As for your parents, I didn't see anything as to exactly how they are difficult but you agree they are. Is your wife being unreasonable in her criticism? Remember, it ain't tit for tat, the difficulties both grandparents cause are independent of one another.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> You're never going to force people to do that which isn't in their nature to do. In a perfect world, grandparents would be engaged and not be difficult. Don't let it be something that causes a problem in your marriage. Both sets of grandparents are what they are. I'd say her parents are giving up a lot but on the other hand, why would you want people involved who don't want to be?
> 
> As for your parents, I didn't see anything as to exactly how they are difficult but you agree they are. Is your wife being unreasonable in her criticism? Remember, it ain't tit for tat, the difficulties both grandparents cause are independent of one another.


Everything u say it valid. My parents r difficult like typical inlaws can be; intrusive, overbearing at times. But when it came to this crisis they were above and beyond helpful in so many ways. Without them we would be lost. Even before they would babysit the kids, take them on shopping trips, all in all dote on them. I guess it irks me that my wife feels that her mothers contributions (her dad might as well be living in a different country) to the cause (which are no different than before) are even in the same ballpark and frees them from criticism when she still goes off on my parents whenever she feels like it.
.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There’s honestly nothing you can do about this. You can’t change your in laws and neither can your wife. Getting upset at her will only make things worse.

I understand why you feel the way you do, and I would likely feel the same in your shoes, but it is what it is and you just need to accept it and focus on your daughter.


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## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

Superman30 said:


> Everything u say it valid. My parents r difficult like typical inlaws can be; intrusive, overbearing at times. But when it came to this crisis they were above and beyond helpful in so many ways. Without them we would be lost. Even before they would babysit the kids, take them on shopping trips, all in all dote on them. I guess it irks me that my wife feels that her mothers contributions (her dad might as well be living in a different country) to the cause (which are no different than before) are even in the same ballpark and frees them from criticism when she still goes off on my parents whenever she feels like it.
> .


Your wife has a relationship with her parent. She knows how they are. When you attack them she likely feels you’re attacking her as well. You say you accept your “overbearing “ parents. Is it only because they do things for you? Are they telling your wife, or you, what to do all of the time? Playing tit for tat solves nothing. 
Having a seriously ill child is traumatic. Give your wife some slack if she complains about your parents. Neither of you need to add drama to your current situation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like your wife isn't grateful for your parents' contributions. Have you had a convo with her wherein she states her complaints regarding them and you listen and truly try to see where she is coming from? Have you asked her if she would rather your parents take the hands off approach her parents employ? Have you told her she doesn't get to criticize your parents while holding hers off-limits?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Openminded said:


> I’m very sorry for what you and your family are going through but your in-laws aren’t capable, or aren’t willing, to give you what you need. It’s your wife’s place to ask for help from them and if she chooses not to then it would be better for you to let it go. That situation isn’t something you can fix.


I lost my mom last month and she was like your in-laws, incapable and unwilling to be in my children's lives. After she went into the nursing home, she made a comment that my sons never came by to see her. My mom learned too late that you reap what you sow. She never invested in my children's lives so she never got anything out of them. Your in-laws are headed down the same path. It will be their loss but they won't realize it until it is too late.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say that your parents are overbearing and intrusive which you say is typical of in- laws. It's really not typical of most in laws. It may be that your wife is struggling to deal with them just as you are with her parents.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your wife is not her parents. You need to drop it. Maybe I can be mad at you because the wrong team won the super bowl. That’s just as much your fault as your wife is for the inaction of her parents.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

We had a similar experience with my in-laws and we lived near them for years. They were good at a lot of things except helping with small children- which was the one thing my wife needed especially when I was traveling. She'd be alone at home with an infant and toddler and they would stop by to "check in". My wife would literally not be sleeping or showering for days and they'd stop by and talk to her about their activities and then rush off. They bent over backwards for people in other ways but the boredom/monotony of small children just wasn't their thing.

My wife is still very thankful that we moved our family a couple of hours away from them. Don't get me wrong- she loves them and enjoys seeing them at holidays- but living nearby was just too stressful and hurtful. It was like a daily reminder to my wife of "we're here but never going to lend a hand even if you're struggling". Seeing and talking to them less actually made our relationship with them better.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

My mil, despite living less than ten minutes drive from us for two and a half years has never laid eyes on my daughter who is now four years old. 
And that suits me just fine.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Superman30 said:


> I guess calling them out on their behavior. If not for us, at least for their granddaughter. Especially since wife constantly defends their lack of engagement. But you r right. *Not sure what I would expect.*


You seen to be of the persuasion that just because they're family they "must" be involved. Nothing further from the truth, they don't own you or their daughter/granddaughter anything. Of course, theoretically in a ideal world we all would think that family is there for us, but in reality for some yes, for others nay. It is what it is. You shouldn't be making assumptions, and having expectations about anyone or anything in this life. If it comes to you fine, but to expect? that's entitlement. 

Forget about the "my parents are better than your parent" crap. They are what they are. It's none of your business. Just be cool, and let them be. I would just reciprocate with the same, nothing more.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

i don't think you should call them out on their behavior. certainly, not en mass. You could mention that grandchild would like very much that you come to her b-day party. But nothing more. The last thing that you want to happen is that later on, they will say "but we didn't know that that mattered to you..."

the best way to get someone to change their behavior is to change yours. But you can't do that until you figure out what's important to them.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

NTA said:


> i don't think you should call them out on their behavior. certainly, not en mass. You could mention that grandchild would like very much that you come to her b-day party. But nothing more. The last thing that you want to happen is that later on, they will say "but we didn't know that that mattered to you..."
> 
> the best way to get someone to change their behavior is to change yours. But you can't do that until you figure out what's important to them.


You are assuming this in a normal setting. Their granddaughter is fighting stage 4 cancer. Everyone around us has stepped up to the plate to help. The fact her grandparents are acting like nothings different is blowing my mind.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> You seen to be of the persuasion that just because they're family they "must" be involved. Nothing further from the truth, they don't own you or their daughter/granddaughter anything. Of course, theoretically in a ideal world we all would think that family is there for us, but in reality for some yes, for others nay. It is what it is. You shouldn't be making assumptions, and having expectations about anyone or anything in this life. If it comes to you fine, but to expect? that's entitlement.
> 
> Forget about the "my parents are better than your parent" crap. They are what they are. It's none of your business. Just be cool, and let them be. I would just reciprocate with the same, nothing more.


How is it entitlement to expect your inlaws to be more involved when their granddaughter is fighting for her life?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Superman30 said:


> How is it entitlement to expect your inlaws to be more involved when their granddaughter is fighting for her life?


Dude: You don't seem to get it. You are expecting (basically demanding) something from people that are not willing to give. That's entitlement. get it over your head already and accept that they don't care or want to be involved. Just reciprocate with the same treatment (indifference) as they show toward your daughter. That's all. they don't owe anything to you, to your wife, or to your daughter. That's their prerogative as cold as it might seen.


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## Superman30 (Feb 19, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: You don't seem to get it. You are expecting (basically demanding) something from people that are not willing to give. That's entitlement. get it over your head already and accept that they don't care or want to be involved. Just reciprocate with the same treatment (indifference) as they show toward your daughter. That's all. they don't owe anything to you, to your wife, or to your daughter. That's their prerogative as cold as it might seen.


Like I said in my OP. I accept them for who they are. I cant change them. But if my wife keeps on complaining then her parents are def not off limits.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Agree w/ everyone who says the in-laws don't owe you anything, will add that lots of people wish they had in-laws who stayed out of their marriage.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Superman30 said:


> Like I said in my OP. I accept them for who they are. I cant change them. But if my wife keeps on complaining then her parents are def not off limits.


Why are you making this a tit for tat argument? Your parents bad behaviors have zero to do with her parents lack of interaction with your family. Zero. And you are invalidating your wife’s legitimate concerns about your parents by countering attacking with hers. Unlike with her parents, you actually have the ability to do something about your parents by enacting some boundaries. I would guess this was an issue long before your child got sick.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

They suck. That is not going to change. Stop wasting your energy changing it. Pay attention to your kids & reassure your kids.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I am really sorry to hear that your child has cancer. That must be very hard to bear.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Superman30 said:


> Its been a sore spot for me
> ...
> am I right to hold their feet to the fire?





Superman30 said:


> Again, I accepted them for who they are.


Based on above quotes from OP, I would say you have not.


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