# Desperate for answers....



## snappy (Dec 16, 2010)

I have been married for 15 years..and have two Middle school aged boys. As long as I can remember I have never been truly happy with my husband. I rushed into marriage and have always felt like something was missing. 

I realized about 3 years ago that my feelings for my husband were greatly lacking. I began to grow very tired of him being so self absorbed and having to have everything his way. I could feel myself pulling away from him and realized that I did not love him anymore. I felt trapped because I only work part time and could not secure full time employment..something I am still trying to work on.

A year and a half ago I met a wonderful man..we started out as friends, but our feelings grew and we are now involved. He is also in a loveless marriage..and has stayed for many of the same reasons I have..money and kids. 

I tried last year to talk to my husband about my feelings and told him that things had changed. It was a disaster..he was very hurt as I expected him to be...but he would not accept my feelings. He kept trying to make me justify every little thing and tried to talk me out of my own feelings. I stopped having sex with him during this 4 month period..and that was his main focus!!!!! He would ask me almost daily if I "wanted it" and then cry when I said I didn't. I felt bullied. He kept asking me why I just couldn't suck it up and have sex and deal with my lack of feelings. Eventually I caved and restarted having sex..this convinced him that things were "fine" again. I cry every time I have to have sex with him and feel forced. If I say no I know that he will become very upset and start to question me. I feel very trapped and very desperate. I want to get away from him but I need a full time job first. I am also very worried about my boys and how this will impact them. I am scared and don't know where to turn or what to do....

I feel we are way past counseling..I have gone myself and just left feeling more upset..I know what what my options are..I just have no clue how to handle how I feel and how to deal with my husband.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, having an affair is never acceptable. It's simple from where I sit--Either get a divorce or stop seeing the OM (and really work on your marriage). What is currently happening isn't fair to anyone--you, your husband, your children, the OM, his wife, his children. Your behavior is impacting a lot of innocent people.


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## ktaylor (Aug 10, 2010)

Snappy,

I am almost in the same boat. We will be married 15 years in May. I have felt emotionally abandoned for years now and have started therapy. I now realize I am codependent and have started trying to set boundaries and my therapist suggested. My husband has become very controlling in almost every aspect of my life and I just can't handle it anymore.

We have two sons ages 12 and 8. I so don't want to break their hearts! I don't want to hurt my husband either, but I feel I have no other choice. We only have one life to live and have to do what we feel is best at the time. 

I also work part time and my job will be ending in exactly one year. I will be getting a pretty significant severance package so I'm hoping I can make it until then. 

Sorry no advice, but I will be watching this thread for answers as well. Best of luck to you!


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## snappy (Dec 16, 2010)

Really not looking to hurt anyone..everything just snowballed. I have no idea how to tell my husband again about my feelings and how to break it to my kids that their whole life will change. I have no desire to work it out. He is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I would rather be alone. The OM is not the reason for this..I have no idea what his plans are and am basing my decisions on myself and my kids. It is not just about being with the OM. 

ktaylor...I hope you can find the strength and courage to make the changes you need to make. I struggle every day with this..trying to figure out how and when it will al occur..worrying about my boys and how they will react.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marriage takes work. In a long term marriage, with kids and work and bills and everything, love sometimes isn't something you feel. It is something you do! 

You have taken the easy way out by pulling away from your husband and cheating with another cheater. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking that people can do this to their spouse and to their children.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

You did wrong dating the other guy. That made you even more confused and thats why you don't know what to do. Take step by step. If you really think that you can't live with your husband anymore than you have to try hard to find job. Don't expect that there's easy way out.
About the kids. I think that they are suffering too. They can feel that there's something wrong with you and your husband. You should resolve this situation for their sake too.


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## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

from what i have read you are having an "emotional Divorce" google it. basically, you started detaching 2-3 years ago....look back over old correspodnce with him and you will likely see the pattern started long ago. i think the other man has simply shown u that u deserve to be loved. and also smart of u to not leave one for the other. i thought all i wanted was to be alone...now he has been moved out for 9 weeks and i dont miss him, i am okay alone but i do want to have a full life including love/ companionship. 
maybe try this...to be sure the OM isnt clouding your actions. tell him you cant talk/ contact for a while.... this time apart may allow u to really see what u need to do. he is the safe place right now...the opposite of H. 
best of luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Whatever you do about the marriage, stop the affair. You cannot think clearly about what you need to do and what your children need you to do if you are "counting on" or "hoping" for something from the OM. You either leave to be ON YOUR OWN, or you stay and work on the marriage.

You need to stop having sex with your H if it makes you feel so bad. Let him cry and weep and pester you. Walk out, leave the house, whatever it takes to make him shut up. 

Start looking for a job, now. Figure out how you can afford to live on whatever you make--even if it means taking in housemates/roommates, living with a friend/sibling/parents. Make the decision that you are GOING to leave and focus on figuring it out (unless you choose to work on the marriage), and then stop worrying about it. Things will be ok no matter what, if you can keep a job and accept that you might not have your own home, just you and the kids (whom you will share 50% with H, of course). Remember that when the kids are with H you will have time to study or improve your skills, so think about getting more education eventually. Right now, though, just figure out what you can do to support yourself in a different home from h. 

Good luck. Just knowing you have options that you can choose may help.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Snappy what you doing is trowing away the gift of a long term relationship, a husband and a stable home for two lovely boys, things that many people people don't have. You need to reframe your thoughts, Think - are you humiliating and deceiving your husband, destroying a home and family for you 2 boys? If he did the same to you what would you feel? 

There is a natural ebb and flow of a long term relationship, the first phase is exciting you don't notice the partners flaws, they are perfect. That period last for about 3 years then, the settling in period starts the partners flaws are apparent and this is the phase where the work stats and commitment, love and respect is most useful. You rekindle the spark by doing new and challenging things with each other, the shared activity and mutual overcoming of challenges brings you together. 

When a person is cheating they rewrite history. Is it really true that you had no emotional feelings your husband when you married? 

I read a lovely thread it is entitled "I'm married but fell in love with another woman" I don't know how to post a link to it but, you can search it. Read it, the thread starter makes a wonderful transition and writes about it beautifully. 

Take the higher road you are better than this. Frequently, spouses who break up their family, regret it. They see after the fog lifts how little is there in the OP and how much they left behind.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

These posts are upsetting because my H did the same thing to me. Emotionally detached himself for at least a year before ever even mentioning that he was not happy. Then, when he did, he felt it was too far gone for counseling. I had no idea. It came seemingly out of the blue and, lo and behold, there is another person involved now. His judgment is completely clouded now. I am the bad person and the new person is what he's been searching for. We have two small children and have been together for 15 years. Always had a great friendship and relationship until recently - the thing that upsets me most is that I didn't even get a chance. I realize that marriages end and that sometimes they have to end, but to not give your spouse a chance and to not do everything in your power to try to turn things around is just exceedingly hurtful and disrespectful. Sorry if this is harsh, but i'm on the other side and it's not a good place to be.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

blownaway said:


> These posts are upsetting because my H did the same thing to me.


I'm sorry these post are upsetting. However, I think most of us told snappy she was "wrong". I'm in full agreement with your post. It is never the right thing to have an affair. Many innocent people get hurt.


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## snappy (Dec 16, 2010)

I never for once felt what I am doing is "right"..know all the consequences and know people could end up very hurt. I finally feel loved..finally have someone who truly cares for me. My husband is one of the most self absorbed people I have ever met. He is and always has been number one..I have talked and talked and talked with no results. I am not an evil person..yes- I have made bad choices but I finally have decided that I need to focus on my happiness since no one else cares to do so. I walk around the house very sad..very empty and he choses to not see it. Others can see it..why can't he??? Because he is wrapped up in himself!!!!! I am sorry for those of you who have been hurt by cheating..I see that it is usually a no win situation. I think it can be very easy to look at someone else's sitaution and pass judgement. I am the wrong one because I am cheating..but what about the man I have lived with for 15 years who bullies me into sex sastify his own needs??????????????????????


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## Confus (Dec 17, 2010)

snappy, unless he's willing to take your feelings and concerns VERY seriously, and work with you to build a good relationship, then run, don't walk.

People who tell you anything else are saying that either because they've never been there so they don't really understand, or because they chose to stay in a loveless relationship and they are just justifying it to themselves.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You may very well be justified to leave your marriage. You aren't justified to cheat on your husband .... not matter what. 

If your husband is truly as bad as you say, then leave. Don't make him think you are committed. Don't go screw someone else. Leave.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

SadSamIAm said:


> You may very well be justified to leave your marriage. You aren't justified to cheat on your husband .... not matter what.
> 
> If your husband is truly as bad as you say, then leave. Don't make him think you are committed. Don't go screw someone else. Leave.


:iagree:

Cheating is the ultimate display of selfishness.


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## snappy (Dec 16, 2010)

Cheating is selfish..I agree. I have spent most of my adult life taking care of other people's needs and largely ignoring my own. I took care of my husband, my home, my kids and did not work for a very long time to be there for everyone else. Maybe it is about time I got selfish. You can debate the cheating piece endlessly..there are still many other issues involved...I could have left that part out and then people would just have focused on the bad marriage issues. The cheating automatically has become the center issue..not what I wanted- a debate on that. I know all the moral issues and complications..


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The other issues can't be resolved while you are cheating. 

Quit cheating and work on your marriage or leave your marriage. Those are the only two choices that are fair to your husband, your kids, and the other man.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Snappy - I totally understand how you feel and where you are coming from. I am in similiar situation. I am a good person but like all human beings, am imperfect and sometimes make bad decisions. And also, meeting someone else and having feelings is sometimes out of people's control, it JUST happens. It is not always so easy to walk away from that when you are vulnerable and not getting what you need or want from your marriage. Especially if you have discussed things, issues with your husband time and time again, for YEARS and still no changes. Have you done that? Have you had discussions with him? Told him you were unhappy, told him you had interest in other men? You should. I told my husband, have been completely honest with him. Not easy, but had to be done, in order to take next steps. 

I also have to cut off communication with my emotional affair, even though it is SO HARD and killing me. It is not fair to my husband, even though I am emotionally dead with him, no intimacy. I have to be honest and fair and at least try, so no matter what happens, I can say I gave it my all. Told him the truth, cut off ties with affair, tried with husband in therapy, etc. That way I can feel good that I did things the right, honest way. This is what you need to do. It will be SO hard, but you have to. That's the only way you will know if your marriage is salvigable. I don't think mine is...but have to give it one more shot, to be fair to everyone. 

So try really hard to be unselfish...but don't listen to others who may judge you. If someone hasn't been thru it, they do not understand. Noone is perfect, noone should judge anyone else or their weaknesses. We all have them. 

But you do have to be honest with your husband - that is #1 and the right thing to do. Everything else will fall into place. 

What is meant to be will be, right? 

Good luck! I feel for you as I'm in the same boat! It does suck! But we have the power to make the change - no matter what that is!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Snappy,
You said your self that you would rather be alone, so let the OM go,get rid of some baggage and think about were you want to be in the future. Focus on bettering yourself first, then worry about a relationship. 

Relationships..... well affairs will cloud you judgment, get rid of it and tell your family you want to leave. For yourself and not for. an OM.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Agree with The Guy...this is also what I need to do !!!

How can you be married and confused and then jump into another emotional relationship? It just doesn't make sense and of course, cloud your judgement all around! 

I have realized I am a co-dependant person. I met my husband coming right out of another relationship and now I am repeating the behavior. Hello!!! 

Jumping from person to person is so stupid and those relationships usually are doomed. "rebound relationships". 

I need to take time for me, improve myself, find what makes me happy, a new job, go back to school, etc. 

Do all of that and get emotionally happy and know you can depend on YOURSELF to make you happy, not a man! Once you are emotionally healthy and love yourself and all you are doing and are comfortable in your life, then you can share it with another emotionally happy person. If you are healthy, you will attract healthy people and situations into your life.

That is what I am hoping for me! And for you too! I know it will be SO hard, but you need to let go of your affair. Block him from your text, email, whatever you need to do. Or be honest with him and tell him you can't have contact with him for now. If it's really meant to be, it will be...in the future. 

But get healthy for YOU first. You are the most important person, not some guy! Now if I could only live by my own advice! LOL!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

snappy said:


> Cheating is selfish..I agree. I have spent most of my adult life taking care of other people's needs and largely ignoring my own. I took care of my husband, my home, my kids and did not work for a very long time to be there for everyone else. Maybe it is about time I got selfish. You can debate the cheating piece endlessly..there are still many other issues involved...I could have left that part out and then people would just have focused on the bad marriage issues. The cheating automatically has become the center issue..not what I wanted- a debate on that. I know all the moral issues and complications..


You marital problems sound very serious and requires that you make definitive decisions and that is hard to do if you are living two lives. You are miserable with your husband, I am certain he is miserable as well and your children are affected because they live in a home with unhappy parents.

The concentration on cheating is this - it is one of the most painful, humiliating, unkind, and destructive act that one person can do to another in a relationship. It is a major relationship crime. Infidelity effects us all, we know someone who has suffered or we have dealt with it ourselves. Therefore, the answers that you are getting relative to your cheating and not your marital issues is because your marital issue pale in comparison to the damage you are doing by having an affair. 

You want others to focus on your marital problems which is something you are not doing. You are suffering but doing nothing about it and it's the affair that is sapping your energy and attention. I don't think I have read one post that does not advise you to focus on your relationship with your husband, either fix it or get out. You are stuck in your present holding pattern because the affair is a temporary band-aide for a very ill marriage. What will happen when the affair ends and you just have you husband to deal with? 

Why don't you force that crisis now, stop the affair and deal with the pain and unhappiness of your marriage. You feel you have been wronged by your husband and somehow have a right to this affair but wouldn't a more mature and adult way to deal with your problems be to confront your husband, make definite request for changes, set boundaries and go from there. 

This will need all of your attention to either work on staying together or divorce. But all action needs to start with ending the affair so you can get your life and that of your children back in order. I am not judging you, I not that good of a person to pass judgment but, I can see your trouble and maybe I see things more clearly than you because I am outside of it.


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