# Impossible for me to move on?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm just curious about how you guys move on with new relationships without comparing them with your past one. Like ok, guess it would be easier if your ex was a jerk/b-tch, however in my case, STBX hasn't really p-ssed me off to the point the prospect of other women become more attractive.

She's still the only woman I could trust in terms of long-term fidelity, still the only woman I could trust to accept me as I am, still the only woman I could trust in terms of non-materialism and hell she's still the mother of my child. With that, she still has no real competition.

Earlier this year I went dating but didn't find a spark, I was going to establish FWB relationships but found I've grown too old for casual sex anymore. Especially considering I'm divorcing STBX due to past issues that I had with her in terms of routine, non-romantic, sexual demands. So the only alternative for me is to find someone I actually give a sh-t about lest I don't see the point of fking them.

But I can't! I'm not even giving them a chance! I need to stop being so picky but I don't know how! How does one move on from an ex who's proven herself over the years to date a woman who hasn't?


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Why is she your STBX then????
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We seperated due to constant fights/arguments/disagreements/games/manipulations/demands as she wanted sex 3x a day and was a b-tch when she didn't get it despite the compromises we made. The final straw was when she refused to respect safewords during sex on Feb. It's also been 8 months and I've fallen out of love.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Ok then, I think you just answered your own question...she wasn't perfect but you loved her. Not sure after that huge explanation you can say she has proven herself. She just proved you two are not compatible. Find someone who is compatible. You're one step ahead if you are already not in love with her anymore, what is there to compare to???
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can't seem to get out of my comfort zone to trust anyone else. I always assume the worst, like hell I drop dates who ask me too many questions about my career and I never let them know I own my own business, I can't bring myself to invest in them emotionally even if they seem alright and safe.

I don't know how to get out of this comfort zone after being in a LTR for almost all my 20s


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Well that I know all about, I don't trust anyone whatsoever, think everyone has a hidden agenda. I think that just takes time. Its been 13 months for me. I think once you meet someone you'll just know and you will find that comfort level. But after 20 plus years that just doesn't happen overnight. We all would love for it to be that way, especially those like me who are inpatient as hell, lol, but it doesn't. I get close to someone and I panic and pull back freak out and become an idiot.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn... I was hoping for a magic solution heh

But I guess I have some comfort (horrible I know!) that there are others in the same boat! lol


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I was married for 11 years. I left because he was abusive... Now any time I go on a date I pretty much freak out at the slightest sight of something concerning. My friends are all convinced that I am over-thinking everything, and that if I don't stop I am going to ruin my chances. But the paranoia of getting in that position against is paralyzing... So I am apathetic about it all for now.

I am in my early 30s and despite how much effing counseling I have done, I can't seem to get over this. So for now I just convince myself I just haven't met the right person. Maybe it is right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time is the answer.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=O

And ALL this time I thought I was the only one!!! And that I was being too picky!!!

:banghead:


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Nope not at all. And honestly I don't think its a bad thing to be picky right now, really do you want to settle for the first thing that comes along. I don't know how old you are but I'm 40 now and I refuse to settle. Whoever the next person I allow to enter my life fully, its for good. 

I look at my girlfriend who went thru a divorce 3 years ago, she lost her sh*t just like we all have when D first happens but after 3 years she is still jumping from guy to guy because she refuses to be picky and keeps thinking she can "change" this guy or that guy. She settles for anyone that gives her attention, its not good for the soul at all.
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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

get into therapy. Do you have something against helping yourself ? It seems like it to me.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Though its true that being picky keeps one out of trouble, I also feel like I'm missing out while I'm still young (I'm late 20s). Regardless I can't seem to drop my standards anyway; like Pepper mentioned, one slip and I lose interest immediately lol. 

To the point I wonder if I've made it impossible for myself nowadays. Heck quite frankly I don't even give them a chance either, like when they hit on me I just play dumb and try to get it into their heads I'm not interested lol


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

I am with jellybeans, time is the answer. You do not want to be spending time thinking about your ex with a new person, not fair to you, not fair to the new woman in your life.

You have PLENTY of time RandomDude.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> You have PLENTY of time RandomDude.


How come I can never believe it? lol

Must be all the white hairs (STBX used to pluck them), now I have no one to pluck 'em  heh


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like you are still in love with her. Or at the very least, not over her.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

I agree - sounds like you aren't over her. But if it is over then just have some fun with dating. Why put so much pressure on all the ins and outs? 

I ended up moving on while still married b/c she had so that was easy for me but I ended up just dating for a while b/c the thought of being in another relationship was terrifying. It took quite some time and finding the right person. 

I was determined not to let anyone except my son near my heart again until I was ready. Sadly I hurt people a little a long the way but in the end they ended up happier than if they'd had stayed with me.

I will say that I never compared any woman to my ex. 

Joe


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, in terms of comparing potentials with my ex, guess in that way I'm not over her. How to get over that?

Guess it doesn't help that I'm forced to see her every weekend too


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Oh I went thru the whole comparison thing as well, but my ex has so many POS tenancies that I try to focus on the good in the people I meet (not that I've met a lot as my heart is quite gaurded still and I think it will be for quite some time. I'm kinda like "meh" when someone shows me interest, and I just ignore it. 

Why are you forced to see her?
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We're co-parents =/


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Do you co-parent well together? How old are your kids? We don't co-parent, we parallel parent - he parents how he wants to, which is not at all, and I do everything. I've only seen him twice in 3 months.
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## Pinkturtle (Apr 5, 2013)

I'm still in love with my ex husband he divorced me since I couldn't deal with all the money he was spending on his adult children. I now wish I had never said anything because I'm miserable without him. And I've been dating a guy for the past 2 months since we've been divorced and I finally had to end it bc how I feel about my ex.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm not in love with my ex anymore but am still "in love" with the idea of having my family intact. So there's no sense in trying to form a bond with someelse right now because for me, that person just simply isn't part of my family. My family still includes him unfortunately its how my brain still works. So until I am passed that, I am going to just relax, find my comfort zone and be single.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, we've remained co-operative all year in regards to our 5 yr old daughter (well, coming to 5) and it's one thing we don't fight about.

I can't fall back in love with my ex, unless of course she earns back my respect which I highly doubt. I'm quite happy without her, quite happy about my newfound independence, but at the same time also unhappy that I haven't found someone else worthwhile to pass some time with and have some fun.

I have the weekdays free, weekends with my daughter. Weekdays are rather meh


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I can't seem to get out of my comfort zone to trust anyone else. I always assume the worst, like hell I drop dates who ask me too many questions about my career and I never let them know I own my own business, I can't bring myself to invest in them emotionally even if they seem alright and safe.
> 
> I don't know how to get out of this comfort zone after being in a LTR for almost all my 20s


You will, in time, be able to trust again. Your problem right now seems to be that you are assuming the worst and that is what you need to step away from in order to actually enjoy the dating process.

We all have our "deal breakers" stemming from our past relationships and/or marriage. I was married for almost 30 years to a cheater who was also a narcissist with anger management issues. Any "date" of mine must be unattached (obviously) as I will not play the role of OW and do that to another marriage.

As to the narcissist issue, I give the potential date the benefit of a doubt as to their inclination. Most people do like to talk about themselves and single people are inclined to consider their own interests first, however if there is conversation which relates to sharing information from my end, then I simply assume that they are within "normal" boundaries. But yes, I do have a habit of being alerted to that trait. As to the anger management issues, everyone has a temper however the first time it is directed at me will be last time.

Other than the above, I am open for a new relationship and enjoy meeting new people and look forward to being involved with someone. My marriage is over. I have no regrets. I am happy to be single and am secure in who I am.

One thing that may help is consider putting these potential dates in the "friend zone" at first. Communicate. Spend time together. Don't be in a rush to become intimate. Enjoy the process and don't feel threatened by the "friend". The rest will happen naturally.

Good luck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, well I do have a date tonight, the laundry lady of all people. Was pretty random. You are correct in terms of dealbreakers - I feel I have so many now hence I feel it's impossible for me to move on.

I also intend to put her in the friend zone tonight, as I'm not ready for anything else. Hell I wasn't even going to date her but it just happened. However chances are she'll take friendzoning as rejection and especially with my STBX on the other side and my daughter think she'll run far far away after tonight lol.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> I was married for 11 years. I left because he was abusive... Now any time I go on a date I pretty much freak out at the slightest sight of something concerning. My friends are all convinced that I am over-thinking everything, and that if I don't stop I am going to ruin my chances. But the paranoia of getting in that position against is paralyzing... So I am apathetic about it all for now.
> 
> I am in my early 30s and despite how much effing counseling I have done, I can't seem to get over this. So for now I just convince myself I just haven't met the right person. Maybe it is right.


Get a new counselor maybe.

But yea there are times when you just need to suck it up and internalize some of those feelings and emotions for the better good of the relationship or possible relationship. I think after a few times you start to realize ( hopefully ) how silly you were or were going to be and you thank god you didn't act in a negative way..

I think also what happens is you start to compare an frankenstein your dates.. Oh if this person only had Mrs A attitude, with Mrs B A$$ and Mrs C Breast I would have the perfect woman.. 

Well welcome to life because it ain't gonna happen..

I will tell you a friend said something to me and I have to agree with it.. Love someone that loves you more then you love them. 

I am exactly in that situation ATM and I love the attention.. It makes me love her more.. But I find it hot just to hear her admit being jealous because a friend was looking to set me up with someone accidentally ( wife didn't know I was dating ).. 

As for the OP.. 

You know your wife has issues.. Even I will say Sex 3 times a day is excessive.. Its just impossible, I had sex for 3 days in a row and my little man was sore.. I was happy the week days came to get some rest from the GF. 

Why not just try counseling and try to fix it again.. If its possible. 

Otherwise you will change your mind once she meets someone else.. I can only imagine wanting sex 3 times a day she must be trying to get it somewhere.. Put that in your mind and maybe it will give you a different thought process.



I just wanted to add in. I go through some trust issues, but I think my friends are more protective of me then I am for myself.. Honestly, your a young guy. When people get older and even some woman, they get a bit desperate.. Basically they think stability and not love.. They want someone to take care of their kids and them and will do what is needed to have that happen. But their social status prevents them for finding that millionaire. So they settle for the first decent, stable man they can find. 

I mean imagine.. Woman in her 40s with 3 children in early teens that was a stay at home mom and maybe part time worker now has to be full time and still deal with the kids in a common traditional divorce.. Her husband wasn't much of a bread winner so he gives her minimum support and no medical. Now she meets a guy with a house, income and real life pension.. Money might supersede love in this situation. Especially when her bedroom is the pull out couch that she shares with her daughter while her sons have the other bedroom.

And of course you can reverse the situation as well. There are tons of scenarios for men and woman..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> As for the OP..
> 
> You know your wife has issues.. Even I will say Sex 3 times a day is excessive.. Its just impossible, I had sex for 3 days in a row and my little man was sore.. I was happy the week days came to get some rest from the GF.
> 
> ...


Aye thats why I don't really believe her that she apparently hasn't put out since February. She isn't dating though as far as I know, when asked why she's doing this she replied that she wants more than just a man, wants a family and what's best for our daughter. Apparently she's satisfied with just her toys, but when we were married she refused to play with her toys unless I was with her, so I don't know what to believe. As for her moving on, I don't really care at this point, and I would be happy for her as that would also make it easier for me to move on.



> I just wanted to add in. I go through some trust issues, but I think my friends are more protective of me then I am for myself.. Honestly, your a young guy. When people get older and even some woman, they get a bit desperate.. Basically they think stability and not love.. They want someone to take care of their kids and them and will do what is needed to have that happen. But their social status prevents them for finding that millionaire. So they settle for the first decent, stable man they can find.
> 
> I mean imagine.. Woman in her 40s with 3 children in early teens that was a stay at home mom and maybe part time worker now has to be full time and still deal with the kids in a common traditional divorce.. Her husband wasn't much of a bread winner so he gives her minimum support and no medical. Now she meets a guy with a house, income and real life pension.. Money might supersede love in this situation. Especially when her bedroom is the pull out couch that she shares with her daughter while her sons have the other bedroom.
> 
> And of course you can reverse the situation as well. There are tons of scenarios for men and woman..


Aye, that's why I never let women know about my finances. When asked about my job, I say I organise functions, events, and co-ordinate teams for F&B, which is the half-truth, as I own my own business.

I also no longer own my home thanks to the divorce so I live in an apartment  But I could still finance a new one if I wish as I've divorce-proofed my business, but they don't need to know that!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> We seperated due to constant fights/arguments/disagreements/games/manipulations/demands as she wanted sex 3x a day and was a b-tch when she didn't get it despite the compromises we made. The final straw was when she refused to respect safewords during sex on Feb.


Wow who knew a marriage could fail because a wife wanted too much sex and due to misuse of sex safe words.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, well I do have a date tonight, the laundry lady of all people. Was pretty random. You are correct in terms of dealbreakers - I feel I have so many now hence I feel it's impossible for me to move on.
> 
> I also intend to put her in the friend zone tonight, as I'm not ready for anything else. Hell I wasn't even going to date her but it just happened. *However chances are she'll take friendzoning as rejection and especially with my STBX on the other side and my daughter think she'll run far far away after tonight lol.*


Or not.  You see, in a new relationship, being put in the "friend zone" suggests (to her) that you are a gentleman and not looking for a "piece" but are looking for a relationship first. Some women are willing to wait until you are ready.

I know of such a person. The chemistry is definitely there, however he is still hurting from his marriage breaking up due to his stbxw's infidelity (which is something we have in common). He didn't see it coming until his DDay, and is now slowly adjusting to being single. From my point of view I look forward to our relationship developing, but for now I know he is sincere, honest (with me about his situation) and attracted to me. 

If your friend is truly worth it, she will wait it out with you, support your decisions and actually care about you before things get intimate which makes it all the better.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Or not.  You see, in a new relationship, being put in the "friend zone" suggests (to her) that you are a gentleman and not looking for a "piece" but are looking for a relationship first. Some women are willing to wait until you are ready.
> 
> I know of such a person. The chemistry is definitely there, however he is still hurting from his marriage breaking up due to his stbxw's infidelity (which is something we have in common). He didn't see it coming until his DDay, and is now slowly adjusting to being single. From my point of view I look forward to our relationship developing, but for now I know he is sincere, honest (with me about his situation) and attracted to me.
> 
> If your friend is truly worth it, she will wait it out with you, support your decisions and actually care about you before things get intimate which makes it all the better.


This.....is perfect!!
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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Wow who knew a marriage could fail because a wife wanted too much sex and due to misuse of sex safe words.


I know I was thinking the same thing...I am one of those HD wives whose marriage fell apart and that was one of the reasons so it does happen! But damn, I'd give anything to misuse the safe word lol 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

When you are over her you won't compare them except a fleeting thought - usually a positive one!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> Or not.  You see, in a new relationship, being put in the "friend zone" suggests (to her) that you are a gentleman and not looking for a "piece" but are looking for a relationship first. Some women are willing to wait until you are ready.
> 
> I know of such a person. The chemistry is definitely there, however he is still hurting from his marriage breaking up due to his stbxw's infidelity (which is something we have in common). He didn't see it coming until his DDay, and is now slowly adjusting to being single. From my point of view I look forward to our relationship developing, but for now I know he is sincere, honest (with me about his situation) and attracted to me.
> 
> If your friend is truly worth it, she will wait it out with you, support your decisions and actually care about you before things get intimate which makes it all the better.


Erm... I failed last night 

I didn't friendzone her, guess I got carried away abit, I was going to but she was very interested and accepted my circumstances without any indication of being put off, so she became a "maybe". I also didn't want to disappoint... did I fk up? =/

I'm taking it slow though, I didn't make a move to kiss her or anything, first date and was a potential disaster actually (if you read what happened on the ladies lounge - staring lady) lol

Damn, I should have read this thread before I went out last night


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

What do you mean you "failed"??
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Meh nevermind, just thinking too much. I failed in friendzoning her lol

If things go well this could be my ticket to moving on, I can't stop comparing her though, she failed my independent-woman test, but about 95% of women fail it anyways - STBX passed it only to disappoint me 7 yrs later, so meh, guess I'll drop it. She isn't as elegant as STBX, but has her own distinct charm.

Meh, I dunno, I don't really feel ready but looks like I'm being swept up by the storm.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm confused....so you slept with her then??
What exactly is an "independant woman test"??

No offense but if I found out a guy I was on a date with said about me "isn't as elegant as STBX" I'd kick him to the curb right quick. You gotta stop that. Seriously, your ex wasn't all that great, she left you remember.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr, no I didn't even kiss her. In fact, I have yet to kiss or fk anyone since seperation despite numerous dates. Something always stops me.

As for my test, meh, it's a useless one, but I've been comparing my dates this year to how my STBX handled it. I always pay for dates, but in the past STBX and a few other women in the past gave me the impression of independence by insisting on paying her share or compromising by saying she'll pay for the next one. It's a silly test I know.

And no I didn't say she wasn't elegant to her face lol, besides I'm trying to stop comparing, and as I said she does have her own charm. STBX may have left, but she has also raised the white flag has currently put me under pressure to reconcile especially with her claims that she's changed (which she seems to have, but I dunno) and my daughter wants us to be a family again as well.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I think you need to stop dating for a little while. 

Seems like you're using it to get you past your X. 

When you're cool with going out and letting whatever may happen happen then you're ready. 

Dating should be fun. You're way too stressed about it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I'm not actively looking, it just happens =/


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