# So much love, so little sex



## Trippy (Dec 19, 2015)

Hello. My husband and I have been married for two years. We've been together for four years. I'm now 31, and he is 34. When we met, our sexual attraction to each other was very high. We had sex a few times each week. After about a year or so, the amount of sex we had started to decline. I found out several months later that he was cheating on me. He was a completely different person with these women. He was very sexual, and explicit with them. I was really confused about why he was so reserved with me, but so open with them. After a short break, we decided to work things out. We got married just 5 months later. 
I talked with him about my disappointment with our sex life. He made effort to change that. We started having sex regularly again. Well, what's regular for me anyway. The sex was as good as it could be. (More on this later) Once again though, the amount of sex we had began to decline. I don't suspect that he's cheating again, so I can't figure what the problem is. Whenever I ask him questions about it, he replies with, "I don't know". We go 2 weeks to a month without having sex. That may not seem too bad to some people, who have sex less than that, but it's not normal nor acceptable for me. We don't have children. We don't have demanding or stressful jobs. There's nothing that should get in the way of us pleasing each other. 
Speaking of children, we do want to have them. We need to have sex more than a couple of times a month if trying to achieve that. You'd think that would motivate him, but it doesn't seem to.
Now, about the sex being as good as it could be... My husband is not a large or even average size man below the belt. That's ok. Everyone comes in different sizes, and he can't help what he's born with. However, that coupled with his lack of endurance, and low frequency is extremely frustrating, and honestly makes me downright sad sometimes. My husband typically lasts 30-45 seconds. On a really good day, usually when he's had a few drinks, he may last up to a minute and a half. He does not go down on me often, and he rarely initiates oral sex with me. The few times it does happen, I ask him to do it, and it really doesn't do much for me. I try to guide him to use his tongue the way I like, but then he feels like I'm a drill sergeant, and becomes irritated. In the entire time we've been together, he's only made me cum once. That was within the first 2-4 months of being together, and it wasn't a mind blowing orgasm. It was very mild. 
At this point, I don't feel that I even know what to do to please him. Anytime I initiate sex or oral sex, he turns me down. I love giving oral, but he tells me it tickles when I go down on him. I suppose he's just extremely sensitive, which would explain why he orgasms so quickly during sex. It doesn't explain though his lack of want to please me. Today was a particularly disappointing day. I initiated sex, and to my surprise, he was game. He seemed very lazy though. I told him what I wanted him to do to me, and he half assed everything. He never achieved an erection, so we didn't have sex like Iike I wanted to. I tried touching and kissing him. Still nothing. I asked him what he wanted me to do to him. He said he didn't know. Finally, he told me he just wasn't in the mood. If I didn't have such high self esteem, I'd truly think something was wrong with me. I know it's not me though. It's him. 
Lately, I've been fantasizing about sex with other men. I never did this before. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind, but I find them coming to me often during the day. I have come to the point where masturbating isn't satisfactory anymore. I need my husband to sexually satisfy me. I need his body on mine giving me pleasure. I just don't know what to do anymore. I cry sometimes thinking about our sex life. It's so bad. Have any of you gone through this? If so, what advice do you have for me to help this situation? Anything you can offer is greatly appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry for the problems you are having and sadly it's not all that unusual.

Here is a link to a thread that gives resources that you might find helpful. You might want to read at least first page or two. And of course you welcome to read a lot more if you wish.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

That thread lists several books and resources that you might find useful. 

Your reaction to his lack of desire and enthusiasm for sex is rather normal. When a person is cheated on, constantly turned down for sex and has a less than enthusiastic sexual partner, it’s pretty easy to start feeling unloved and unsatisfied. You are now starting to fantasize about sex with other men. Yep that’s pretty predicable. Whatever you do, do not cheat. If you get to the point of really wanting to cheat, divorce him first. Don’t put yourself in the position of being the one in the wrong.

You may want to hold off having children with him until this is solved. It would really sad to bring a child into this situation.

I suggest that you read the books at that link. And then read the book “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. And after you read them, ask him to read “The Sex Starved Marriage”, “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. And the two of you do the work that these books suggest. If all that does not work, you might want to think about ending this marriage.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And be sure to read the thread in the Ladies Lounge on this site, about women in sexless marriages.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

You are far from alone.

Good Luck.


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## Trippy (Dec 19, 2015)

Thank you so much EleGirl and WilliamM. I'll take a look at those threads.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Trippy said:


> Now, about the sex being as good as it could be... My husband is not a large or even average size man below the belt. That's ok. Everyone comes in different sizes, and he can't help what he's born with. However, that coupled with his lack of endurance, and low frequency is extremely frustrating, and honestly makes me downright sad sometimes. My husband typically lasts 30-45 seconds. On a really good day, usually when he's had a few drinks, he may last up to a minute and a half. He does not go down on me often, and he rarely initiates oral sex with me. The few times it does happen, I ask him to do it, and it really doesn't do much for me. I try to guide him to use his tongue the way I like, but then he feels like I'm a drill sergeant, and becomes irritated. In the entire time we've been together, he's only made me cum once. That was within the first 2-4 months of being together, and it wasn't a mind blowing orgasm. It was very mild.


Lucky you. 

A husband whose hung like a hamster, is a two-pump chump, stinks at oral (the couple of times you managed to get the selfish prick to do it), treats you as nothing more than a receptical, and is only concerned with his OWN pleasure. What a catch.

And what's more, he cheated on you (leaving THOSE women *unsatisfied* as well, I'm sure).



> At this point, I don't feel that I even know what to do to please him.


I feel bad for you, jumping around like a trained seal trying to please _him_ when he has absolutely no desire at all to please YOU. He's incredibly selfish.

Until he gets HONEST with you for why he's no longer sexually interested in you, things aren't going to change.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I would chalk this up to sexual incompatibility and file, if I were you. Why waste more of your life and vitality on a man who either can't or won't meet your needs?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

This is grounds for divorce. No kids? You're lucky!! You have no idea! Don't let a house, a car, or dog make you think twice! Just divorce him and go find someone that desires you and will give you 20-30 minutes of loving at least once a day.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Why would you marry him, and so quickly as well?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP.
Please don't have kids with this man until you are both happy in your relationship. Kids will NOT make a bad situation better, they will make it worse, much worse, and make it difficult to escape. 

He's cheated. He is a lazy and incompetent lover. What is wonderful about him that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You have a bad sex life, with a man who has been unfaithful to you more than once while you were still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. The question here should not be what you can do to get him interested in you again, but rather why you value yourself so little that you married a serial cheater five months after you found out he was cheating. You two are glaringly sexually incompatible and your husband has a proven track record of cheating on you - _why_ he's like that is pretty irrelevant. Cut this one loose. And do some work on yourself to help you fix your picker so that you don't wind up married to another proven cheater.


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## Igor Olikh (Oct 18, 2016)

Trippy said:


> Hello.


I'd ask you about emotional openness in your marriage. Very often sexual problems start from here...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, to be frank, this man sounds like a loser. I don't understand why you are so invested in a man who is so selfish and uninvested in the relationship.

He's shown you who he is, and he's not going to change for the better. Oh, when you threaten to leave, he will change for a little bit, maybe, but he will always revert to who he is right now.

The question is, can you be happy spending the rest of your life with a man like this? I certainly wouldn't be. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on a loser.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I was going to reply with some sage advice, but pretty much everything that I was going to say has already been said. OP, if it were me, I'd head for the hills!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And to be frank, your thread title...? Doesn't sound like so much love to me...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! Sex becomes routine and boring. No anticipation of doing something new or exploring uncharted territory. As a poly person in a once Ethical non monogamous marriage and Poly Triad, I am very familiar with what is called New Relationship Excitement. Sex with someone new is always more exciting than with someone you have done it with many times. As I said in my first sentence, people take their spouses for granted. They will always be there when needed and are often viewed as a safety net in case the new relationship does not work out. 

An affair puts two people together for only the fun and games part of life. No nagging to take out the trash. No one cares if the other is a slob or has other faults. They are together for sex and more sex with a little romance to make it better. They never have to worry about the 99% of other things necessary to maintain a full time relationship. Statistics show that when someone leaves their spouse for someone else, the odds are very high that it will not work out since they know have to deal with all the boring and work involved in a full time relationship.

I saw our siblings and friends all getting divorced, mostly for cheating. I also realized that I would not buy a car that might work only 50% of the time. Why in heck would I marry and follow the rules taught to me which have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is a coin toss as to whether it will work for me or not. I know that most think that they will not divorce. I also know that half of them are dead wrong.

My wife and I felt that our bond was not built on monogamy but rather knowing that we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. We always put each other and our marriage before all else. After 44 years that has proven to be true despite having sex with others and bringing another woman into our marriage. 

It seems obvious that your husband need eros and sexual diversity. You guessed why he rarely has sex with you. If you feel that he is cheating in your gut, odds are that he is. Many humans need sexual variation and cannot be monogamous. Monogamy is unnatural even among the animal kingdom with a few exceptions among species that live within a society which controls they sex life. Spouses who cheat, often distanced themselves from their spouse. The reason for that is the guilt. You cannot allow yourself to feel close to your wife as that would hurt too much and make you feel guilty as heck.

Here are three good articles to get you thinking:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/379129-so-much-love-so-little-sex.html

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20649/why-my-husband-i-sometimes-have-sex-with-other-people.html

My wife and I had a wonderful marriage despite being non monogamous for most of it. It was something neither of us even thought about since my first fiancée cheated on me when I was on a tour of duty in a combat zone. Then my next girlfriend started dating one of my best friends and had sex with the other two. That is why my wife being a virgin attracted me so much when I normally went for sexually experienced women. We tried monogamy but I got like your husband is. I cheated 4 times by the time our marriage was 2 years old. My wife knew it but like many do, turned a blind eye to it. Only after our best friends asked us to wife swap, did we start to question monogamy. The reason was that even though we did not enjoy the wife swap, the sex between us was very intense for the next few weeks. We were also happier and felt more emotionally bonded than before. From that point on we were monogamish. We did not go out looking for sex partners but when the opportunity presented itself we played with others as a couple. In our 44 years of marriage that was less than 10 people combined. We did form a poly triad with my wife's best friend after my wife learned she is bisexual as was her best friend. They both loved me as well as each other so it provided us a wonderful life. No jealousy or problems for the 30 years our girlfriend was in our married life. We were monogamous but only there were three of us and not two. We found our solution by choosing our marriage over monogamy. Everything we did was out in the open and ethical. You cannot cheat if there is no rule against it. Just that gets rid of the stress of wondering what your spouse is up to when they break their routine. Not for everyone, especially jealous people. You would be surprised at how many married couples are opting to open their marriage, if even just a crack. We ran into a lot of them during our 13 relocations. No one comes out and says it unless I hint that we may be non monogamous first.


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## Clash77 (Apr 25, 2017)

Funny how 2 HD people like us can end up in serious relationships with LDs........maybe I'll be lucky enough to one day have a relationship with a woman that thinks like you so that I can **** her silly and do all kinds of x rated things to her..........a lot! lol


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I think he is still cheating on you. If you think you deserve better....then leave. There are faithful and sexual men out there.

I've been married twice, first wife was LD and Asexual with a bizarre fetish and after 23 yrs I moved on and got divorced. 

Married to wife #2 - will be 3 year marriage anniversary later this year...still have sex daily except for heavy flow days....sometimes 2-3x. 

My two spouses could not be more different sexually.......people are just very different from each other when it comes to marital sex.

I have never cheated on either wife.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I cannot help but think that it is entirely and hypothetically possible that LD's, who attract HD's as romantic partners, tend to ramp up their own sexual pace to either match or exceed that of their HD love interest, but then sometime shortly after the "I do's" are consummated, their natural sexual frigidity takes back over and ultimately leaves their HD counterpart left holding the bag ... or ultimately themselves! 

In any event, the LD ultimately gets exactly 100% of their heartly desires ~ (1) a spouse, for all of the world to see, and for whatever reason, and (2) the internalized "security" of satiating their fears by never having to give in to "the nastiness of sex" ever again!*


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