# Looking for help if familiar situation is you..



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

New here. Try to make as simple as possible without taking too long.
Me and H are 11 yrs apart, him senior. He was married before, only because she was pregnant at time. Divorced 1 year before we met. At time his son was 9. We dated 4 years, I lived with him for about 2-2 1/2. Moved out. I wanted to be married, he didn't. Said he didn't make work first time, he didn't want more kids and I deserved that. Apart for about 6 months. Killed me! We still spoke. I kept telling him, I didn't care about kids (I was 27 at time). We were best friends, did and shared everything. Well, at 5years, he proposed. 6years dating, married. Three years later, I'm pregnant. Yes, was using BC pills. He's not happy but deals with it. His son when born had some conditions. He didn't want to go through that all again. At time, he wasn't to make it. Now he's 27 smart as a whip and fine. So..pregnant with daughter. 40 1/2 weeks later, 2 days before inducing I lose her. No heart beat. I have now made his 2nd worst fear true. Two weeks later, my dad dies of lung cancer. Together we do make it through. Rough, difficult but do. Love carries you through anything, right?

Year after loss of daughter, I want to try again. Feel I deserve that. His life went back to what I viewed "normal". He went back to being busy, work, painting, everyting back inpalce. I'm not. I'm lonely, bored, I want my child! He doesn't. I disrspect him, my marriage and become irresponsible with BC. Yep, preganent. Figure if he divorces me, so be it. I derserve second chance. This time, have beautiful baby girl. Healthy, love of our lives. Struggle into 2nd year. Differences in 'discipline'. He's always busy, felt all me at one time. Worked through that too. Two years ago, decide time to look for new home in better schools system for her. House lived in was his. He bought from parents. So, move to different City. Out in country. Only hear 2 years. I'm 40, he's now 51, daughter 6. Some reason feel lonely again. I've lost something along way in our marriage. No longer best friends. Change in economy, move, etc. has taken a toll on me. 

He was financially set before, home, etc. I've grown over years both maturely, job wise, etc. Lost sexual desire that he needs and deserves. I've wanted to reconnect with old girlfriends. Go out have girls weekend or something. He feels that's wrong. Says him and daughter should be all I need. He said if he is not all I need, I have a problem. Never had my own friends really. Our circle of friends were all his. Always had sersious relationships growing up. Now feel maybe that's my issue? Miss those connections never had? How do you miss something never had? 

I'm at age he was when we married (well he was 38). Could it now be our decade of age difference is an issue? He's content being home, working nonstop and just the 3 of us in our world doing our thing. I'm not. I only have my mom left here. Dad died, brother out of state. His mom lives in AZ. Son 3 hr drive away and they rarely see each other or talk.

I feel massive guilt. He sold his home, he has no family and I'm thinking I've grown out of marriage and not sure if I can be fully happy being what I feel is complacent. Told I'm moderate depressed and anxiety. I have 6 yr old. I need to feel alive, energized! I want to live be happy enjoy relationships, friendships. Have fun again. I don't feel like that nor have I for a while now. I do what I feel is right as a wife. He wants to do something we do it. He wants to go certain place I go. If he doen'st feel like going, I don't go. I took a vow and feel better to 'ruin' one life..mine..than 2..his and daughter. He told me if need to move on, admit I made a mistake and figure it out. I've never felt he's mistake regardless what happens. He says if not happily ever after, it's a mistake. We had good run, some good times, but a mistake non the less. He's made mention several times regrets moving, selling his house. Reminds me several times what I said back then..."your all I want I don't care about kids". He feels he's changed too much for me. He got married when didn't want to. Had child when didn't want to. Yes move was mutual. But guilt still lies on me. He's no longer independnet. Maybe that's my issue? He said he now feels daughter was meant to be. He could have had vasectomy before marriage, after 1st loss and didn't so obviously something back in his mind new? He did however, have one 3 months into my 2nd pg.

Just feel I'm not all I should be or need to be for him or this marriage. If I feel better alone, away from him does that make me a horrible person? Flip side, I hate he's hurting becuase of me. I do care about him, his well being. I hate I've changed, but I cannot help my feelings. I'm angry and tired all the time. Yet when I'm alone, or just me and daughter, I feel fine, refreshed. He's not abusive or mean. He does say hurtful things sometimes but I guess becuase he's hurting due to me. He said if I decide to leave, he may not stay in state and that kills him b/c of daughter. At 40 I hate not having my dad. Was daddies girl. How can he walk away from that? She loves her daddy, and he her. So because of me, he would leave that because he feels 'too old' to start over. Says if starting over will be in another state. Kills me he would even have that thought. 

He says no one will ever love me like him. Says I use to worship him, put him on pedestal, was his biggest fan in wanting him to start own business. I was, 10yrs ago. Said I made him feel like a real 'man' in bed. He gets made I don't have sex now. I can't fake it, can't do it just to do it. Sex for me is a strong emotional connection. Never permiscuous. In 2yrs gained 20lbs. I'm stress eater. When do have sex afraid when touches me feel this roll or that. Afraid jiggly belly turn off. Friends send him the typical porn perfect pics in emails all time. I'd love to be body perfect! Feel sexy. I spend hours trying to like myself in mirror everyday before work. Too depressed and tired to exercise. Excues and I know it. I'd love to be my size 10 again! Since his sexual needs aren't met, my emotional aren't. 

I feel I came into this with nothing, I will go with nothing. He can have everything I will start from scratch. As of now, if had to choose today, that's how I feel so what does that say about me and my marriage? I feel like a horrible person knowing our history and how he never wanted to be in this situation again. Keeps saying to me it was a good 'run' but a mistake if we don't make it. Admit my mistake, admit I was wrong and never should have married him. His friends remind him...'she said she wanted you and you only' she said "marriage doesn't change our love its only a piece of paper' she said ...blablahblah. Yes, at 27 I obviously was still immature and stupid to say all those things as never thought 20 years later would hang over my head. Any of you go through this? Made it through this? Divorced and made it still to be happy? Tried counseling. He quite said it's all up to me as he isn't the problem. Counselor said he has his "trump card in pocket" just waiting. Waiting on me. One foot in door, one out and when decision I make is what card he will play. Small tid bit, not sure if matters, his mom is japanese. Belives in woman follows behind man. She catored to dad all through his affairs up til' divorce. He resents his dad for all of that, he has passed since but to this day upset how dad cheated mom and she still catored to him. 

He says maybe my problem is he's done too much for me all these years. So now, if I don't say I love you he wont. If I dont' 'touch' him, he wont. I get home late so at dinner, he fixes his and daughters plates, I fix my own. Feel it's become a game. Sadly, the game makes me feel even more lonely, more confirmed in my change of feelings. Yet, it really isn't any of his fault so I do feel.

We are two different people now and Im very sorry for that. I feel horrible he hurts, that I've ruined his life, taken his security of his home....I'm so lost, so confused so desperate and depressed and I don't want to be. I cry daily. I hate it! I'm in this horrid sucking circle and don't know what to do to stop it in the least painless way possible for eveyrone. I do love and care for him and hate he's hurt, hate I"m to blame but I'm not sure it's the love for happy ever after. Sorry so long and sounds so selfish.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There's a ton of issues here... on both sides.

Why don't you both see a marriage counselor?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> There's a ton of issues here... on both sides.
> 
> Why don't you both see a marriage counselor?


We did for about 3 months. Counselor did seperate and after 3 months still did not feel we were ready for together sessions. H felt he got what he needed out of it and quit. Said it was all left to me to figure out. I quit then. I went few times after but more I spoke, the more counselor tried to explain what I was feeling, more I felt I need to find strength to maybe move on and quit hurting H. I don't know how to do that and feel good about it or feel confident it's right.


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## bvmama (Sep 27, 2010)

Sweetie it sounds like you are depressed, go to the doctor. There is nothing wrong with you missing things you have never had. I do it all the time.
Maybe if you took some time to do something for yourself you would feel revived and be more into being a wife and mother. Your husband does not have the right to dictate to you what you should be happy with. Go for that girlfriend weekend it sounds fun.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

You really do sound depressed and I think you should see a doctor, have a complete physical. I recently was diagnosed with hypothryoidism during a basic physical where I complained of hair loss and turns out I need synthroid...been on it a few weeks and hair loss has ended.

Do you wish you could make him see how you feel so that he would have a chance to take the pain away but at the same time your actions/words keep him away from you? The problem is he can't help when you won't let him. Consider letting him in. Consider that what you're feeling is a mess of things and not necessarily what you want.


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