# Husband will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months



## HannahZ (Jan 17, 2016)

*Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Hi,
This is long, but please bare with me. My husband and I have been married 1.5 years, engaged 1.5 years before that. We have known each other almost 9 years though, as friends before. I'm 28, he's almost 37. Before we were even engaged he was pressing for kids, but I wanted time as a married couple, and I didn't feel ready for kids (I was 24). 

Our whole marriage his behavior has been volatile, a walking on egg shells kind of thing. He gets much better and then much worse again, it's like a cycle. I'm not perfect at all, but I like to work things out and talk through issues. He goes bonkers. He screams and calls me every name in the book, c word, b word, every word really. His new thing is throwing things around the house, including a month ago throwing my phone off the deck into the yard (in the snow) and a taking a framed poster of mine off the dining room wall and throwing into the 2 foot snow bank on our deck, among other things thrown around the inside of the house, all only my things. It's like a rampage. 

He has, in the past, also been physically abusive, but not eince last spring. That started after we were married but only lasted about 6 months. I've asked him to go to therapy, alone and/or with me, but he refuses. We had gone to couples therapy before we were married, but he quit without warning and now thinks it's a waste of money and that therapists are idiots. 


Anyway, I'm not looking for people to tell me just to divorce him. For as bad as he sounds, when he's being nice we do have fun, and he's very silly, cute, and fun. On top of that, I haven't worked in two years (he was to difficult to deal with when I worked, he didn't want me working and made it very hard, plus he requires a lot of daily care and it was really draining) and so I'm financially dependent and I feel like he would lawyer up, take everything, and I would end up homeless and broke. 

So that is all back story. The real point is, he has been saying for a while that "if I don't give him kids soon, he'll find someone who will" I tell him that his behavior isn't conducive to having kids, and he needs to control his temper before we have kids. He say she's being held hostage and that's he's adjusted in the timeline on kids. I say it's not just about time, that I'm ready for kids now, it's about his behavior. And that he's not being held hostage because he has control of his own behavior and he can change it to be a good partner to have kids with. 

Today he again started in, and told me that if we don't start trying for kids within 6 - 9 months that he is divorcing me. I said I won't have kids like that, and again that he has the control of when we have kids in the way that he acts. If he acts like a decent husband and adult, I'm ready for kids. 

He won't even admit his temper is out of control, and he says yeahs changed. Yes, he's not psychically hurting me at the moment, but he still blows up at small things, gets offended easily, throws stuff, and screams in my face instead. 

Am I really "holding his hostage"? I don't know what someone else in my place would think/do. I'm not going to put a TLDR because I don't think I'll get good opinions with that. Any constructive opinions would be very appreciated Thank you!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It would be wrong of him to force you to have kids. But he is not doing that. He is giving you an ultimatum, or rather a choice.

I am assuming that when you got married, you had discussed having kids and I assume that you were positive about it in a few years time? The choice you are given then makes sense.

The reason you are suffering greatly at the moment is that you cannot face getting divorced, but do not want to have kids, so you feel you have no control. If you are desperate for a marriage to work, it can jeopardize the marriage and your happiness.

You have a choice, stay in the marriage and have kids or leave the marriage and do not have his kids. You feel you cannot be happy if you choose the second, but you are wrong.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Get a job and get out. Don't kid yourself into believing he will change. Even if you insist on staying with an abusive man, you still need to get a job. You don't have kids and you're a grown adult, there's no reason for you not to be working. You've already realized that you're financially dependent on him, so get smart and get ahead now before you're really stuck.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

All else aside, I can understand the timing for him. Guys have biological clocks too, in a different way. He does not want to be 60 when the kids are graduating high school. You have a different time perspective since you are a decade younger. We (Mrs Blue and I) did not have kids, but I always told my wife that 37 yo was my cutoff, for reason I just gave. 

I have more concern for you about you dependence on him, financially and otherwise. If you think you are dependent now, wait until you have young children. I really think he would be MORE abusive once kids arrive, because he KNOWS he has a complete hold over you. 

"he requires a lot of daily care" - Is he sick with cancer? No. Do you think things will be better once you have kids, when you are taking care of them, plus you have to take care of him too. "it was really draining" when you worked and had to take care of him. Taking care of kids is full time job and more, plus you will still have to take care of him.

I am not sure what else to tell to you. To answer your question, you are NOT holding hostage.

The fact that you even know about TLDR means you are not a novice around the various forums and obviously you visit them for a reason. I suspect looking for help for situations in which you are not happy. 

Good luck young lady.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Run, don't walk away from him. Once he knows he can get his way by threatening divorce, he will use that for the rest of your marriage. Someone who loves you does not do things like this. If you choose to stay, everything else is in you.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

HannahZ said:


> . On top of that, I haven't worked in two years (he was to difficult to deal with when I worked, he didn't want me working and made it very hard, plus he requires a lot of daily care and it was really draining).
> 
> 
> !



Is he a child to require daily care? Why are you putting up with this abusive man? 

He's trying to make sure that you won't leave by having a kid with you. Please get a job and leave this man before he throws you out in the snow or kills you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Left arm optimistic (Feb 19, 2016)

You are not holding him hostage. If anything, given your concerns about how you may end up in the event of a divorce, it sounds like you're the hostage

Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship , and bringing kids in would just make things worse and even harder for you to leave.

Easier said than done , but you should call his bluff. Maybe if he is the one calling for the divorce you won't get left with nothing .


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"Anyway, I'm not looking for people to tell me just to divorce him."

Well, that's really the only logical advice you can receive. He's verbally abusive, violent, destructive, threatens you with divorce. For the love of god do not make babies with him. How's he going to react to a crying infant at 3:00 am?

Make your exit, but be careful about it.

I think it is @EleGirl that has a very helpful, detailed post for those needing to leave an abusive relationship. I'm looking for it but if others can find it please post it for Hannah.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hannah, Why do you think he wants children? And do you think he will be active in raising them or will be just put all the responsibility on you? Do you think that his position be that he works and makes the money and that you, as SAHM, have the job of raising the kids and taking care of ALL the household duties?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

There is another thread same question. The moderators may catch this and combine the two.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This is a must read thread by @Blossom Leigh. I thought @EleGirl also had one, but I may be getting two great posters confused.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html

EDIT: And here is Elegirl's - post 17 and 18 on this page: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/296306-husband-slapped-me-2.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

HannahZ, I also have many resources in my signature link below that would benefit you. You are in a very dangerous situation and need to view it accordingly Hun.. the way you deal with abusive behavior is to expose it to the light.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Are you happy in this marriage as it is now and as he is now? Women tend to do this thing where they love the potential they see in their man, not how they are now. It's a huge down fall we have, we live in the "what will/could be". Life doesn't work that way. Why does he take a lot of daily care? I don't understand why you don't have a job? Bc he didn't want you to? So do you do everything he wants? He seems to be controlling. Your still so young, please do not have kids and trap yourself.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Do not entrust yourself financially to a man who has not established he is trustworthy with that vulnerable position for you.

Do not entrust the care of a child to a man who rages.

This man has not established his trustworthiness in either situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HannahZ said:


> Hi,
> This is long, but please bare with me. I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it in two areas, let me know if it isn't the right area.
> 
> My husband and I have been married 1.5 years, engaged 1.5 years before that. We have known each other almost 9 years though, as friends before. I'm 28, he's almost 37. Before we were even engaged he was pressing for kids, but I wanted time as a married couple, and I didn't feel ready for kids (I was 24).
> ...


Please! Do NOT give this monstrous thug children! 

Because if you do, it cannot end well. For you, him or the children.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He won't divorce you, because he enjoys abusing you. Abusers bluff about leaving their victims, but they never do. He would have left you by now. Please find a good lawyer, and seek wise counsel. Please don't bring children into this abusive relationship, for he may end up abusing them, too.  Prayers for you, hoping you have the strength to get out of this situation.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You have no idea how lucky you are not to have children with this man.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

HannahZ said:


> *Yes, he's not psychically hurting me at the moment,* but he still blows up at small things, gets offended easily, throws stuff, and screams in my face instead.


In my opinion,you're showing some trepidation and rightly so. What kind of way is that to live? I can't see how being cute and funny would make up for 6 months of physical abuse and walking on egg shells and the likelihood of more. Are you grasping at straws? You shouldn't be asking 'if you're holding him hostage',but why you're allowing him to try and hold you hostage. Seriously,as he's said divorce or kids,I would take him up on the divorce. You're 28 and the years ahead may seem to be stretching out before you,but believe me they go fast. Make yours the best you can for you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

HannahZ said:


> Anyway, I'm not looking for people to tell me just to divorce him. For as bad as he sounds, when he's being nice we do have fun, and he's very silly, cute, and fun.


A few years ago, one of my friends could have written this. They had a child. In one of his rages, he ended up putting his hands around my friend's neck. She got out and went to her family. She has dealt with constant issues (and legal processes) around him and their child. His behavior with their child has been of concern.

She did have a well-paying job but then she switched careers that was more suited to motherhood. Over a few years, she lived very frugally, put herself through university for the qualification and has been working in her new chosen career. Some days it's hard on her, financially and otherwise, but the alternative (with him) is no comparison. And when I look at my friend, I see an extremely resilient, together woman, who wants the best for her daughter (in terms of emotional well-being, self respect and confidence) as well as for herself.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Would you want any children that you would think of having with him be exposed to the same conditions that you are living in now? Your husband's demands for you to give him children on a constructed timeline without having the guts to finish counseling or to do an honest self-assessment of his behavior has the ol' red flags and alarm bells on high volume here. His yelling and screaming, making you feel like you have to pour so much of yourself into this relationship without him doing the same in return is appalling. You talk about what you are doing for him. He may go through these periods where he is on "good" behavior, but the same dysfunctional crap keeps coming to the surface, because he isn't addressing it. If he really wanted to be a good father to any future children, he wouldn't be in a hurry to get away from getting help to become a better person. He'd be in a hurry to get to it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Report him for the violence and get a restraining order.


Get an attorney and protect yourself legally/financially.


Divorce him for domestic violence.


If he tries anything, get him locked up.


If he doesn't get help try and warn other women off him.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> He won't divorce you, because he enjoys abusing you. Abusers bluff about leaving their victims, but they never do. He would have left you by now. Please find a good lawyer, and seek wise counsel. Please don't bring children into this abusive relationship, for he may end up abusing them, too.  Prayers for you, hoping you have the strength to get out of this situation.



Hear what she says...she speaks the truth.
And if you stay and end up having a baby I agree with other posters that the abuse will only get worse.



Sent from my iPhone


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Before you were even engaged he was pressing you for kids? Let me see if I understand you correctly. You've got a 37 year old male who shows very little interest in having a healthy relationship with an adult woman but is obsessed with having a small child? 
Adult males who can't get along with adult females but who want to spend time with little kids make me want to open an investigation and put them under constant surveillance. If that adult male happens to be very controlling and violent it makes me want to organize a task force just for him. If you don't give him a small human he will find someone who will? That is what a woman means to him and any one will apparently do as long as she is fertile.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

HannahZ said:


> Anyway, I'm not looking for people to tell me just to divorce him.


That was easy then. Stay with your abuser. Jut remember if you have kids with him, your situation gets a little more permanent. That would be bad.



HannahZ said:


> For as bad as he sounds, when he's being nice we do have fun, and he's very silly, cute, and fun.


WOW! That's DEFINITELY a twist. Most abusers just abuse 100% of the time. Even when they're asleep.

:banghead:

Read up on abuse. Talk to a lawyer. NO KIDS!!!!


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

He sounds like he would make childhood a literal hell for his poor children. Some people just want children so they can have someone to torture. Whatever he will do to you remember he will do to your baby a million times over. 

Society will turn a blind eye to parents who hurt children, and condem men who hurt women. So he already hurts you? He will have societies blessing to hurt your child.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

HannahZ said:


> Anyway, I'm not looking for people to tell me just to divorce him.


Hannah, you are not getting the advice that you want but you are getting the advice that you NEED. 

Do you want your little (future) girl growing up watching her mother be emotionally and physically abused by her father? Worse yet, do you want her to learn that it is ok for her future boyfriends to abuse her? Because that is what will happen.

If your little girl was in your situation, what advice would you give her?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

HannahZ said:


> Hi,
> This is long, but please bare with me. I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it in two areas, let me know if it isn't the right area.
> 
> My husband and I have been married 1.5 years, engaged 1.5 years before that. We have known each other almost 9 years though, as friends before. I'm 28, he's almost 37. *Before we were even engaged he was pressing for kids*, but I wanted time as a married couple, and I didn't feel ready for kids (I was 24).
> ...


I bolded all the red flags in your post. very worrying. 
No, do not give in to his demands for children. I have 2 children with my abuser. He has called me names and broken my things right in front of them. He hit me in front of my oldest. The things your h are doing now, having a child won't stop him. And then your sons will very likely emulate him, and your daughters will very likely look for his example in a mate. It's a pattern that repeats the majority of the time. Also, people who participate in partner abuse are 7 times more likely to abuse the children from the relationship. 

Also, i cannot emphasize this enough. You are in charge of birth control. Both of my children were conceived while we were using condoms, and I was adamant about not having children. Both were also conceived during seasons of becoming more independent, pulling away from him and becoming increasingly concerned about his behavior. When i got pregnant with our second, i was actively saving money to leave and came home after a few margaritas at a girls night. I remember telling him to use a condom, he conveniently doesn't. If you are on the pill, keep your pills in a private, hidden and/or locked place. You can and will be manipulated into a pregnancy, if it is all possible to do so.

Abuse is a cycle. yes, sometimes he's nice and cute and silly. It's to keep you confused. he doesn't want you to leave, so he prevents you from working. you have no guarantees that he is done with the physical abuse, just that he has stopped for now. He will continue to rage out and act out of control, but you have already noticed that he only breaks your things. If someone came to the door, you would notice that he would get back in control pretty quickly. It's just a control tactic.

Go to the abuse thread and start reading please. And do not do any more couples counseling with your abuser. Your husband has not stopped abusing you, because he has stopped physically hurting you. He has simply changed tactics.

Ride out that ultimatum. I guarantee he will not let go of you, until you force him to do so. Be very careful, you are in a relationship with a person who has little value for your personal well being. Tell someone in your daily life that you trust, so that if something happens to you, someone will know.

He has already started to triangulate you. (if you don't have kids with him, he will find someone who will.) Classic abuser tactic. When i left, my h had a new girlfriend within 2 weeks and was sending me pictures of the two of them together. I broke up with him once while we were dating, and he messaged me that he was going to ask out a girl that i disliked. 
He will certainly use other women, real or imagined, to manipulate you into doing things his way.

He is also using inversion of reality language on you. You are the hostage my friend. not him.
I hope that you do get out. I did. It took me 7 years, and several tries. I see that you are not looking for that kind of advice, so I hope that you will be safe, and do some reading and educate yourself. That you will find some IC, and hold your boundaries.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

i also recommend this book Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved 
by Lundy Bancroft
in addition to the reading material posted on the abuse thread.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Good evening
First of all no one should ever be pressured into having children that they don't want. It is cruel and unfair to the children.

But you said:

"He has, in the past, also been physically abusive"

"Our whole marriage his behavior has been volatile, a walking on egg shells kind of thing. He gets much better and then much worse again, it's like a cycle."

"Yes, he's not psychically hurting me at the moment, but he still blows up at small things, gets offended easily, throws stuff, and screams in my face instead. "


This is a classic abusive pattern. The typical next step is... you guessed it ... get the woman pregnant so she can't easily leave. Then watch the abuse come back worse than ever.


He is an abuser. Leave. I know its not what you want to hear, but but it is the correct advice.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Agreed with the previous person. No kids. Get out. Immediately. No sex either, since you don't want the accidental pregnancy.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Good evening
I think there are 2 almost identical thread on this - maybe the mods can combine. It a very important thread and the OP should be able to see this i one place


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Hannah, You feel down now, but you are being invited to escape.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> First of all no one should ever be pressured into having children that they don't want. It is cruel and unfair to the children.
> 
> But you said:
> ...


Read it. Embrace it. Prepare to leave this abusive marriage.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Just one question, would you ever have kids with a husband acting like yours is acting?

Ok one more. What advice would you give your BFF if she was in this situation?

Once you answer both of those you have your answer. This is about your future and happiness. Stay strong and best of luck.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Good grief what a horrible home environment for those kids this would be.

I would be worried he would throw away birth control. It happens.

Go with door #2: divorce. You have lots of time for children with someone who isn't a scary control freak.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

I'm curious - why does a full grown man need a lot of care? 

Aside from my curiosity, everything he is doing, including being needy, is all geared toward isolating you and limiting your options so you are stuck there with him. He is grooming you to be all about him and doing a pretty good job of it. He "love bombs" and makes things happy so you wonder "why did i ever think about leaving him - I love him!" and then when things aren't exactly perfect, he keeps you on edge with his anger so you do his bidding.

Do not have children with this man. I know you don't want to hear it, but he is abusive and it's only going to get worse. I have been in your shoes (minus his wanting kids). EVERY woman I've ever met who was abused says "I wish I'd left sooner". Some day you will, too. Leave now while you are young enough to find a loving, happy relationship and have children with that man.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*



HannahZ said:


> Am I really "holding his hostage"? I don't know what someone else in my place would think/do. I'm not going to put a TLDR because I don't think I'll get good opinions with that. Any constructive opinions would be very appreciated Thank you!


No, he is holding you hostage.
You are in a domestic violence situation. You are choosing to stay with an abuser, because he's not always abusive. He can be great when he's not abusing you. That is part of the cycle and part of the manipulation that you have fallen into.
You know he's an abuser. You think you can change him. You can't. The only person you can change is yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hannah,

I merged your two threads into this one thread. Forum rules are only one thread on a topic.. plus you will get more better input with just the one thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hannah,

Please reply on this thread so that we know if you are still reading and active here on the forum. We'd like to help you but need to know if you are still here.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Book MC


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## juliajuhl37 (Mar 22, 2016)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*

Here is definitely controlling and you need to get out. 

Sent from my HTC Desire 610 using Tapatalk


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Book MC


no.

the rule of thumb for marriage counseling with abusers is not to engage in any kind of counseling together. Any kind of abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, psychological.

A true abuser will take all the concerns and fears that you feel safe talking about in counseling and use the information to abuse you further. If you have a counselor that get's wise to the abuser, they will just quit and discredit the counselor (like in this thread). Money better spent in an escape/emergency fund. Either way, no MC. IC for both of you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Husband says he will divorce me if we don't try for kids within 6 months*



HannahZ said:


> Anyway, I'm not looking for people to tell me just to divorce him.


He's an ABUSIVE spouse, who made you financially dependent on him so he could CONTROL you. You are too blind to realize this and are a codependent playing the victim card. Now he wants to brings kids into this fvcked up relationship and you just want a magic wand solution...

You're acting like a complete fool and a coward. Get your head out of your ass. You need to get the hell away from this a$$hole. You're still really young, it's not too late. 1) GET A FULL TIME JOB, 2) START UNTANGLING YOUR LIVES AND PLAN YOUR EXIT, 3) FILE FOR DIVORCE.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You know you would be fine without him. You were fine before you were together, you would simply go back to looking after yourself. You'd go back to work. Then you'd find someone else.

There is more to life than this, you just have to want to look for it.


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