# Birthday blues



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, this coming weekend is my birthday. H and I, as you know, have been going through our recommended book, and trying to improve things in our marriage, and we've been talking about spending more time together. Granted, we really don't spend any time together, so anything would be an improvement in this regard! We used to go to our local rec centre for a workout and a swim every 3-4 weeks on a Sunday. We haven't done this for well over a year, and I've mentioned doing this a couple times recently. Since my birthday falls on a Sunday, I thought this would be the perfect excuse to do this, but H told me that he has too much marking/work to do, and that he probably won't be able to spend any of the day with me except for the already planned supper. Am I wrong to be disappointed? I tried to hide my disappointment, and brush it off like it was no big deal, but it still would be nice to feel important enough. Instead, it just feels like I'm (and our relationship) isn't a priority to him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tell him you are going to the rec center to swim. He can come or not. 

BTW, what is "marking", and why is that a priority for him?

Don't hide your disappointment. At this point you are heading for divorce and you have nothing to lose. Tell him that you are disappointed that he couldn't take a few extra hours out of his schedule to celebrate your birthday.

Be direct. Some guys need that. (I'm a guy and I hate wife expecting me to pick up hidden clues). No more hinting or hiding.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Blue is correct....this is your day, you get to do what you want, and if hubby wants to join you than he can but if not...then do not wait for him, do not put you life on hold until he is ready to join....go to the rec enter, enjoy yourself, then do something else you have wanted to do...and do it. sooner or later he may get the point that all work and no play makes hubby a lonely man

PS Happy Birthday


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Oh, yes. Forgot. Happy Birthday.

:birthday:


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Ursula said:


> So, this coming weekend is my birthday. H and I, as you know, have been going through our recommended book, and trying to improve things in our marriage, and we've been talking about spending more time together. Granted, we really don't spend any time together, so anything would be an improvement in this regard! We used to go to our local rec centre for a workout and a swim every 3-4 weeks on a Sunday. We haven't done this for well over a year, and I've mentioned doing this a couple times recently. Since my birthday falls on a Sunday, I thought this would be the perfect excuse to do this, but H told me that he has too much marking/work to do, and that he probably won't be able to spend any of the day with me except for the already planned supper. Am I wrong to be disappointed? I tried to hide my disappointment, and brush it off like it was no big deal, but it still would be nice to feel important enough. Instead, it just feels like I'm (and our relationship) isn't a priority to him.


I totally get it, my last birthday was all but forgotten about by my wife. She was too busy helping her bosses girlfriend plan a surprise party for him on the date of my birthday, his actual birthday wasn't for another 3 months. I had expressed to her my disappointment that his party was being planned on my birthday and she told me that she was planning something for me, but that never happened. And not only did nothing ever happen, I had to answer questions from friends about if we were doing something. At first I would tell them that she told me she was planning something, but after a few weeks I just told them I didn't know and they'd have to ask her. Now granted I'm not big on attention and birthday celebrations for me really aren't necessary, but along with all of that I also never received a gift from her or our young son.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Happy upcoming birthday!

After your swim, have a masseuse scheduled (they are pretty flexible with their schedules), then treat yourself to your favorite dessert with a friend... birthdays deserve friends to share them with.

I understand your disappointment, but the truth is you are important... you truly don't need him to tell you that.

I agree with above, share that disappointment before then so the obvious is stated... then if he still chooses his priorities poorly, share your wonderful day at dinner, not in spite, but in the true happiness you found in and with yourself.. your priority.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> I totally get it, my last birthday was all but forgotten about by my wife. She was too busy helping her bosses girlfriend plan a surprise party for him on the date of my birthday, his actual birthday wasn't for another 3 months. I had expressed to her my disappointment that his party was being planned on my birthday and she told me that she was planning something for me, but that never happened. And not only did nothing ever happen, I had to answer questions from friends about if we were doing something. At first I would tell them that she told me she was planning something, but after a few weeks I just told them I didn't know and they'd have to ask her. Now granted I'm not big on attention and birthday celebrations for me really aren't necessary, but along with all of that I also never received a gift from her or our young son.


Mine forgot mine once also... the year all kids were out of the house.

It fell in a Saturday I asked if anything was planned for the day and she said "yard work" but by 4:00 PM I realized it was not thought about so I told her I was going for a walk at the river and ended up passing an area where a favorite brewery was, so walked in and seeing nobody I knew ordered a round for a table that had an empty chair and sat down with them letting them know that birthdays were meant with friends, and since I had no friends here I thought I'd make some new ones and no better way than the present. They were most welcoming and I had a blast...

Wife asked where I had been and when I told her, her face dropped... she had blown the date off completely.

It was fun watching her trying to make it up... and I let her.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey Blue,

I've since made some plans with my Mom to have a bit of a girl's day (go for lunch, hit our favourite store). I know that it will be fun for her and I, and I'm looking forward to it! I also know that if I were to stay at home, I would do housework, which isn't a bad thing, but not something I want to do all day on my birthday. The dogs will spend the day with their furry cousins, and H will stay home to do his thing. By the way, H is a contracted University professor (not tentured), and he has class prep and marking of assignments and exams (hence, the marking). Thing is that sometimes I do freelance work, and if it were his birthday, and I had a project in, I would try to spend a little extra time beforehand on the project so that I could spend at least part of the day with him if both of us had the day off.

No, I guess I shouldn't have hidden my disappointment, as I really have nothing more to lose at this point. I won't bring it up, but if it does happen to come up, I will let him know my feelings. 



blueinbr said:


> Tell him you are going to the rec center to swim. He can come or not.
> 
> BTW, what is "marking", and why is that a priority for him?
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wow, AtMyEnd and Emerging Buddhist, I'm so sorry that your wives; that truly sucks! EB, it sounds like you had a good time with new friends regardless. AME, was anything ever done for your birthday?

By the way, thanks to all for the early birthday wishes; you're all very sweet!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I've had similar experiences, my birthday is not a special day for my wife so she does little to nothing to help me celebrate. This used to make me sad until I realized that if my birthday was going to continue to be a special day, I would have to make it special myself. I schedule special activities for the both of us and if she doesn't come, I really don't care. I use the day to do what I want. If she skips it or has no time for my birthday, what ev's, but I better not forget her's. Just another day in the life of a ****ty marriage. You can't make someone do something for you if they don't want to.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If he knows in advance that he will have a lot of work, why can't he put in some extra time during the week to get it done so that he doesn't have to do it on your birthday. 

I would sit him down and say, "We're trying to work on improving our marriage and spend more time together, aren't we? We can't just talk about spending more time together, we actually have to do it. I expressed a desire to spend time with you on my birthday, which is very important to me, both because it's my birthday and because I want to spend more time with my husband. Instead of acknowledging that this was important and trying to find a way to make it work, you not only told me that you would be too busy that day to spend time with me, but you also didn't offer an alternate plan to celebrate my birthday or another way to spend time together. In terms of working on our marriage and spending time together, this is a failure on your part, as it shows me that our marriage and I are not a priority to you. So let's revisit this. My birthday is coming up, and I would like to spend the day with my husband. I think this might be a nice day for us to start going back to the rec center, since we've been talking about it for a while. What do you think?"

Basically, I'm thinking, tell him that he screwed up and how, and give him an opportunity to rectify his mistakes.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Last night, H and I got into an argument, and in the end, I decided to bring up the topic of my birthday. His reasoning for not taking time to help me celebrate is this: birthdays usually fall during weekdays, and then, we usually only celebrate in the evenings, and he didn't consider that it falls on a weekend this year, and there's more to the day than the evening. He's working hard, and is trying to get ahead, would love to spend some of the day with me, but just doesn't think he'll have time.

We cleared a lot of subjects last night during our talk, and in the end, he got teary and said that he's sure that we're going to be okay, and that everything is going to work out for us. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't sure he understood the gravity of the situation, and that after 3-ish years of my being checked out, that I really am not sure if it's possible to check back in or fall in love with someone again. He is hell bent on trying until we make it, and I'm still on the fence about this whole situation. I really don't want to be a divorcee, but I also want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too. I don't want to regret not trying, but I don't want to spend the next 2 years still trying, then losing more time. Oh, and after pretty much telling him I'm almost done, and not really in love with him anymore, he was still ready for some sex, which never happened, but he was still ready to roll. Is this normal?

Last night, he said that he would love to have a family with me, but when I mentioned that he might have to give up his 1 after-work activity should we have children, he kind of balked at that, and said that he wouldn't give it up, but would just have to find a time that worked better to take part in it. I, on the other, understand that I would have to give up my 2 activities. I also mentioned again that with the mental illness in his family, that it would be unwise for us to procreate. For some reason, he thinks that these genes would only come from his Dad's side, and not his Mom's side. His sister is also severely affected, along with a number of family members from both sides.

I think I'll get online to see what my therapist's schedule is like, and when I can get in to see her again.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You never lose time if that time is spent working on you... everything else that falls into place is "gravy" (extra, in a good way), even if it means your paths have led to different goals which may take you different directions and realize that together is not where you will be in the end. I learned you cannot grow together if you cannot grow individually... that may mean only one of you is growing at a time, but my favorite mantra right now is "change is not for the impatient", and it truly isn't no matter where applied.

I made a mistake many years back in thinking "you need to grow with me as this is our journey"... truth was, that was never in my control, and if growing was meant to be solitary at times, I had to accept that. Interestingly enough, it was when I did spend that time focused on me that my awareness came best.

Your heart is in the right place... as your mind comes to recognize the peace that you are not following your fears (divorce is a fear for sure) in your decisions, things become much more clear. I know my most profound freedom comes when I listen compassionately and tune in to my heart, keeping my emotional reactions separate from my thoughts I found that my heart had a much more clear, very subtle, way of saying “I know what I need to do” and “this is not the right path for me.” 

As for the sex... it's his affirmation there is still some-how, some-way, a connection in the best way he can express it.

Balking is a simple statement that says "I am not ready"... an unknown is understandable, a known like you shared not so much.

Keep the conversations going... focus on the present, trust the process.

PS... Again, a very joyous Birthday to you this Sunday.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks EB, pretty much everything you said was bang-on, and made loads of sense. I guess I just have to stop being impatient with wanting change, and trust the process instead. I'll continue to work on changing myself, for me, because at this point, I don't expect things to change drastically in our relationship, and going forward in another relationship, should I be so lucky, I would like to put forward the absolute best version of myself possible. And if that doesn't happen, well, I'll always have dogs! :-D
Thank-you again too, for the birthday wishes


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ursula said:


> We cleared a lot of subjects last night during our talk, and in the end, he got teary and said that he's sure that we're going to be okay, and that everything is going to work out for us. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't sure he understood the gravity of the situation, and that after 3-ish years of my being checked out, that I really am not sure if it's possible to check back in or fall in love with someone again. He is hell bent on trying until we make it, and I'm still on the fence about this whole situation. I really don't want to be a divorcee, but I also want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too.


Three years is a long time to be checked out. A *long *time. If you haven't managed to want to come *back* to him in 3 YEARS, doesn't that pretty much tell you that you've already tried as much as you can? What could you possibly regret? Not being checked out for *5* years or *10*? 



> Oh, and after pretty much telling him I'm almost done, and not really in love with him anymore, he was still ready for some sex, which never happened, but he was still ready to roll. Is this normal?


Most of them will take it *any* way they can get it. Back off male posters, I said MOST. 



> Last night, he said that he would love to have a family with me, but when I mentioned that he might have to give up his 1 after-work activity should we have children, he kind of balked at that, and said that he wouldn't give it up, but would just have to find a time that worked better to take part in it. I, on the other, understand that I would have to give up my 2 activities.


Well isn't he self-important and self-entitled, thinking he shouldn't give up anything to have the kids he apparently wants _so_ bad - but he's fully on-board with YOU making all the sacrifices. Add on the fact that he has genetic abnormalities in his gene pool and that would pretty much seal the deal for me as far as even considering having kids with him.

Seriously, if having children is something you absolutely want to do and you don't love this man anymore, he's a complete dead end and you'll grow to resent him if you sacrifice having children so you can waste more of your time 'trying to fall in love with him again.' It's completely pointless.

Sometimes, you just need to know when to fold your cards and get up from the table.

Good luck to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

happy birthday Ursula!

Unfortunately many H's do this, work/getting ahead is top of the priority list. In academia it often becomes all consuming as there are multiple things to be done at one time, balancing all can be an uphill struggle particularly for single minded people. YOur H sounds single minded and is taking you for granted.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

aine said:


> happy birthday Ursula!
> 
> 
> 
> Unfortunately many H's do this, work/getting ahead is top of the priority list. In academia it often becomes all consuming as there are multiple things to be done at one time, balancing all can be an uphill struggle particularly for single minded people. YOur H sounds single minded and is taking you for granted.




I disagree that this is due to multiple things to be done at the same time. But I agree this is not a priority for him. 

OP, this will never be a priority for him unless you make it a priority. Don't be passive and wait for the discussion to accidentally come up. 

Tell him point blank you are disappointed. That celebrating your birthday is important to you. That him spending time with you on your bd is important. That you feeling you are a priority to him is important to you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt, you just hit not 1, but quite a few nails on the head. This is exactly what I'm currently feeling and struggling with. The thing is that he isn't a bad person; he's a good person! He just isn't the best fit for me, but he'd be a fantastic fit for someone. I'm having a hard time justifying leaving someone who isn't inherently bad to take a chance at the unknown. I will get there; it's just going to take a bit of time!



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Three years is a long time to be checked out. A *long *time. If you haven't managed to want to come *back* to him in 3 YEARS, doesn't that pretty much tell you that you've already tried as much as you can? What could you possibly regret? Not being checked out for *5* years or *10*?
> 
> Most of them will take it *any* way they can get it. Back off male posters, I said MOST.
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hubby came home last night after a tough day at work; tough because a decision was made to put someone in charge of his department whose values he doesn't agree with. That's fair because we aren't always going to agree with everyone. However, he mentioned that he may need to think about getting out of teaching (he's a university prof) and go work in retail (he mentioned Home Depot). Does this sound normal?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Hubby came home last night after a tough day at work; tough because a decision was made to put someone in charge of his department whose values he doesn't agree with. That's fair because we aren't always going to agree with everyone. However, he mentioned that he may need to think about getting out of teaching (he's a university prof) and go work in retail (he mentioned Home Depot). Does this sound normal?


That's quite a change! How old is he? I ask because my first thought was a mid-life crisis. Was he just joking around?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@tropicalbeachiwish, I don't think he was kidding, but I do think that it was possibly something that just flew out of his mouth without thinking first. I hope! Not that there's anything wrong with retail, but yes, that's quite the change. This isn't the first time he's wanted out: shortly after we were married, he had a panic attack one weekend morning, and said that he couldn't work full time and be married; it was all too stressful. He booked an appt with a therapist, and worked through that soon afterwards. He's 47, by the way.



tropicalbeachiwish said:


> That's quite a change! How old is he? I ask because my first thought was a mid-life crisis. Was he just joking around?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Hubby came home last night after a tough day at work; tough because a decision was made to put someone in charge of his department whose values he doesn't agree with. That's fair because we aren't always going to agree with everyone. However, he mentioned that he may need to think about getting out of teaching (he's a university prof) and go work in retail (he mentioned Home Depot). Does this sound normal?


I work at a university--in admissions, not as a prof--and there are a LOT of internal politics, and nearly everyone is overworked and underpaid, professors and administrators alike. It's a work environment in which, depending on leadership--which changes regularly--it is very easy to get discouraged and frustrated.

I regularly contemplate up and quitting and going to work in retail or restaurants again, mostly because I'm burned out from the constant pressure. A retail or restaurant gig is appealing because it's low stress--you go in, work your shift, and then you're done. The mental strain doesn't follow you home; you don't have your boss (or students) emailing you on your smartphone while you're having dinner or on vacation.

This is very likely how your husband is feeling right now. I doubt he WANTS to be working over the weekend. It's likely he feels he has no choice.

Working in higher ed wasn't always like this. The "industry" has changed a lot in the last two decades, and your husband is probably feeling the strain of that.

Will he actually quit his teaching job to work in retail? I doubt it. No one wants to take a 60+% pay cut and the sacrifices that go along with it.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Ursula, I'm a tenured University professor and has been in my profession for 27 years. I am a woman, married (first marriage for the both of us, 37 years married) and 59 years old. I am the breadwinner. My husband left his corporate position and became self-employed so that I can pursue my career in academia. I was 31 years old and my husband 33 years old when I begun my tenure track career in academia. My husband financed my doctoral degree, working in a brutal corporate world.

A tenure track professor has to have a PH.D., equivalent to 12 years of very hard academic preparation. Your husband is under probation for 5 years; whereby, he is to fulfill the areas of teaching, research, and service. He is scrutinized all the time and harshly evaluated every year. With Millenial students, who are undesciplined and entitled, his challenges are far greater today. If your husband fails to reach tenure, his career is over in academia. He is talking about working for retail to let out some pressure.

I will share my story with you and readers here, who are unfamiliar with the demands of the academic world. I worked 7 days a week and just merely met deadlines for five years. For the first two years of my university teaching life, I did not see my parents, but spoke to them only by phone. Birthdays, Christmases, & Holidays, my husband did all that so that I won't miss out.

I still work on weekends many times, if that is called upon. My skills are now far better than when I was a junior faculty that I can obtain some balance in my life. Think carefully about leaving your marriage. You need to seek out the counseling services of the university. They are most willing to help out struggling spouses.

By the way, I'm now poised for early retirement. Because of patience, love, and understanding, my husband and I will be able to retire at age 60 & 62 pretty soon. Think carefully before calling it quits. You can do much worse than your husband.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > We cleared a lot of subjects last night during our talk, and in the end, he got teary and said that he's sure that we're going to be okay, and that everything is going to work out for us. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't sure he understood the gravity of the situation, and that after 3-ish years of my being checked out, that I really am not sure if it's possible to check back in or fall in love with someone again. He is hell bent on trying until we make it, and I'm still on the fence about this whole situation. I really don't want to be a divorcee, but I also want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too.
> ...


Best post ever.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It sounds like he put a lot of himself (identity ) in his work. Him quitting might be the realization he needs to figure out that work is work but family is what matters. I work in a field full of people who get way too wrapped up in the cause and miss life. Not worth it but I do get it when it's part of your identity. 


Second question is how big a deal do you make with his birthday. I ask because I always Made a big deal about my x's birthday but mine was just another day. Made me want to, and eventually end up, doing nothing for her as well.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks for the reply, Roselyn, I'm sorry, I missed the updates to this thread until now. 

I fully understand the demands of being a professor, and my H has all the necessary degrees for such a career (2 masters, doctorate and post-doctorate). He has a number of years of post secondary behind him, which is another reason I cannot understand why someone would want to throw all of that away. His Mom has been after him to quit since we were dating, but he loves teaching.

That's fantastic that your husband supported your career! I think it's important to support one another. However, there are many more things going on in our marriage than just the fact that we don't spend any time together. I do have an update to add to this, but will do that in another message.




Roselyn said:


> Ursula, I'm a tenured University professor and has been in my profession for 27 years. I am a woman, married (first marriage for the both of us, 37 years married) and 59 years old. I am the breadwinner. My husband left his corporate position and became self-employed so that I can pursue my career in academia. I was 31 years old and my husband 33 years old when I begun my tenure track career in academia. My husband financed my doctoral degree, working in a brutal corporate world.
> 
> A tenure track professor has to have a PH.D., equivalent to 12 years of very hard academic preparation. Your husband is under probation for 5 years; whereby, he is to fulfill the areas of teaching, research, and service. He is scrutinized all the time and harshly evaluated every year. With Millenial students, who are undesciplined and entitled, his challenges are far greater today. If your husband fails to reach tenure, his career is over in academia. He is talking about working for retail to let out some pressure.
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

His work is a huge part of him, and I've gotten accused of "denying him as a person" when I asked him to not check his phone for student emails while walking through a crowded movie theater on a rare date night.

I think that birthays are important, and a nice thing to acknowledge, and I've always gone out fairly big for his special day. He grew up not getting things like gifts or a cake, so I do this for him now. I listen for conversational hints about things that he might like, and for one of his birthdays past, I got him Broadway tickets for a play in NYC that he absolutely LOVES. H sings operetta, or has in the past, and was a part of a musical theatre group years ago, so I knew that this was up his alley. I take him out for supper to a nice restaurant, and also bake him a cake. If it falls on a weekend, I make sure that I'm available for any plans he might like to do. 



Wolf1974 said:


> It sounds like he put a lot of himself (identity ) in his work. Him quitting might be the realization he needs to figure out that work is work but family is what matters. I work in a field full of people who get way too wrapped up in the cause and miss life. Not worth it but I do get it when it's part of your identity.
> 
> Second question is how big a deal do you make with his birthday. I ask because I always Made a big deal about my x's birthday but mine was just another day. Made me want to, and eventually end up, doing nothing for her as well.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, a continuation to H's changes at his job. The person who was put in a position of power was temporary, apparently. This wasn't mentioned when it initially happened, so I thought this was a permanent decision. There's now someone permanent in that position who H likes and agrees with, so things are good at his work again. He did say again though that if he didn't get full-time permanent at his school in the next few years (he's been full-time temporary for 9 years now) that he would consider quitting and taking on a job that would allow him to spend more time with me, and then we could start our family. Okay, a few year to me means about 5 years. In 5 years, I will be 44 and he will be 52, and I don't really want to be *starting* a family at that point. He also doesn't realize that his income would be less than half what he's making now, and we would need his income to support a family.

On another note, I emailed my lawyer yesterday regarding confirmation that an amendment that was requested in 2014/2015 was done to our prenup, and what her retainer fee was. She came back saying that she would recommend either doing up a new agreement for $1500 or redoing the amendment for $700-$1000. Is this typical? Why would we have to redo our prenup at this point? I thought that once a prenup was done, it was done, and it protected the people involved in the event of a divorce. And, I do remember signing the amendment in 2015, but was just looking for confirmation that she had the updated paperwork on record. What gives… Is she just after more money, or do these things that have been done for years really have to be redone?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Given what your ages will be in five years, that sounds like it will be too late to start a family. Hell, I'm 37 and my partner is 48... he wanted to have kids/a family once upon a time, and was even trying with his XW when she left him eight years ago. I've never really wanted kids, but even if I did, I never wanted to start this late in my life, and my partner feels that it's too late for him to start now, too. We both want to enjoy our retirement, not still be raising kids or putting them through college while we're supposed to be enjoying our golden years.

There's never a perfect time to have a family. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be to conceive and the chances of a special needs child/pregnancy complications increases the longer you wait.


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