# Advice Please...Telling son about his biological father?



## 123

This is a little difficult for me as I have never talked to anyone outside of my family on this matter. I know it is long but please read.

A little back ground... My sons father and I split up shortly after my son turned 1. We were never married. He had many issues from drinking and drugs to not being able to hold down a stable job. He was also a cheater. I was young (17) and naive when we first started dating. I probably stayed with much longer than I should have. After having my son (at 21) I really grew up and saw my ex for what he really was. I ended our relationship and he moved to another state shortly after. The only time he would ever call to speak to my son was maybe once every two or three months when he was drunk and crying. I could not bring myself to allow him to speak to my son while he was in that state of mind. The calls got worse over time where he would be completely billigerent and threaten me for not allowing him to speak to HIS son. I changed my numbers. This was in January 2003. Never heard from him again. Fast forward.... I had been dating my now husband for a just under two years got married in Aug of 2005. In October 2005 I receive a call from some woman trying to reach my son (he's 5 at this time 2005). I demand to know why she is trying to contact my 5 yr old son. She states that she is trying to find the heir to some unclaimed property ($$) from his grandmother on his fathers side. I try to explain to her that she should be looking for my sons father and that I have no idea where he is. She then proceeds to tell me that he is also deceased. I am floored. I do some research and find out after obtaining a copy of his death certificate that he had killed himself. 

We never really talked about his bio-father when he was younger. To this day my husband is Daddy and has been pretty much since my son was 3 or 4. He is now 10. We are in the process of changing my sons last name to my married name. I have always kind of been in the state of if he doesn't ask about his bio-dad then I don't tell. I never want to lie to my son. I am just so worried for the day he actually asks. Do I talk to him about it before he asks? Do I tell him the whole truth? Do I tell him parts of the truth? How will the truth affect how feels about himself? I never want to cause him any pain. I don't want him to think that his bio-dad did not love him or that what he did was some how my sons fault.

Any advice is as always greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!


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## lovelieswithin

Such a difficult situation but you have to really think about how info like that could affect your sons emotional outcome in life. That is very mature information for him to have to take in and I highly suggest you consult a pediatric psychologist before disclosing such info to a 5 year old. They will be able to help you determine when the best time is and how to tell him. You have been right in protecting him from his father. My situation was exactly the same as your sons when I was young but my Father is alive. I was 3 when I met my step dad and he and I were so completely close that he remained my Dad even after he and my Mom divorced when I was 17. My bio father would call wasted and not remember what grade i was in. He is selfish and was abusive when id be forced to visit him. I always wished that my step dad was my blood dad and to be adopted. So as you see - you likely protected him from the anguish that comes with having an emotionally unstable and alcoholic father. He will trust you looked out for his best interest and grow to believe that his step dad was a gift from heaven for both you and your son. 
My step dad just passed away sept 24th at 50 from a heart attack and my heart is broken - he truly was Dad and always will be still! my bio father is still alive and it may sound harsh but I wish i could trade them... but, life isnt always fair in its dealings but I am proof that a step father's love can replace the void that an irresponsible and selfish biological father leaves behind. Your sons situation is better in the long run although you dont see it right now. Im sorry for the loss as I dont wish anyone death but if he was that emotionally unstable its clear your son wont need him in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AWife

You never actually clearly state but I assume your son knows your husband is not is biological father? He obviously knows he has a different last name and at 10 he probably knows what that means. 

I also think asking a professional would be a good idea. If I were in your shoes, I would just answer his questions as they come. I never knew my father. I recall as a pre-teen wondering what he looked like and asking questions. My mom showed me pictures and factually answered my questions. She never spoke bad of him. As an adult I wanted to know more because it's hard to go through life without knowing half of your medical history. I think my mother handled it well.


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## 123

It's still kind of questionable to me whether or not he truly understands that my husband is not his real father. We have never really discussed it with him and he has never asked. Plus we have been together since he was very young (almost three). As far as his last name he has my maiden name and we are now changing it to my married name. I agree that I will have to speak to a professional when he finally does ask. I just don't want to ever lie to him, but at the same time I don't want to give him all the details either. There were some pretty dramatic circumstances to his bio-fathers suicide. I guess it worries me too, that my sons personality is very much like his bio-fathers. They both suffer from servere ADHD and obviously his bio-father suffered from depression. He gets frustrated with himself because of this his ADHD. The other day he was trying to finish his homework and was having a difficult time and started hitting himself in the head. I asked him why and he said he needed to HURT himself because he couldn't finish his homework.(he has never done anything like that before) I have never been able to try medication for his ADHD because he also has a heart condition (had open heart surgery at 8 months old) and I worry that if I don't some how find a way to manage his ADHD that he will end up with the same depression issues as his bio-father. I guess I will always be mama bear and worry about my little boy. If there is anyone out there who has a child who suffers from ADHD and you have had results from non-medication treatment, I would love to hear from you.

Thanks again for reading.


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## Affaircare

I had almost the exact same circumstance as you except that the bio-dad left and never looked back. To this day I have no idea if he is alive or dead or what every happened to him. My son also has ADHD, and I met my (then) H when I was still pregnant! Thus in every conceivable way, my exH truly is his father, whereas the other guy is pretty much a sperm donor. My son also had my maiden name until he was about 3, and at that time, my (then) H adopted him and that is the last name he still has.

My son was not a lot beyond 10yo (like about 12yo I think) when he put 2+2 together and realized that birth certificate + adoption meant he was not my exH's biological child. So at 12yo I told him that I met his sperm donor when I was young and foolish, I did not have safe sex and made a bad choice to not wait until marriage, but that I decided two wrongs did not make a right. I made sure he knew that for his whole life he was wanted, and that although the bio-materials didn't come from exH, that for his whole life his dad has taken care of him, worked for him, gave him a home and food, etc. so that the man he thinks of as his dad is his FATHER--the other guy just donated genetic material.


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## turnera

Counseling is always in order in such a situation.


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## greeneyeddolphin

If it's never been made clear to him that your current husband is not his bio dad, then he may never ask about his bio dad. But, with the history of ADHD and other mental issues, he needs to know about his bio dad. I would definitely talk to a professional about how and when to tell him, this is too major to screw up by telling him too soon or in the wrong way. 

As for non-med treatments for ADHD, there's a ton of different things that you can try, but it's hard to say what will work and what won't. Some stuff, too, will be like meds, and you can't do it because of the heart problem. I know for my sons (who are on meds), there were some herbal treatments that worked. They took valerian root, lemon balm, gingko. I checked with their doctor first, and it was fine for them. I'm not sure if it would be ok with a heart condition, so I'd definitely talk to the doctor first. There's also an exercise ball that you can have him sit on that might help. I also found for my sons that eliminating any processed, packaged, preservative filled food from their diet helped a lot too. I cooked from scratch. Cookies, brownies, cakes - all homemade from scratch. It's kind of time consuming, but a lot healthier, and when it comes to my child's health and well being, I put that about my time. I bought ice cream like Breyer's, that was made with only natural ingredients and no preservatives. When I packed their school lunches, instead of potato chips, I gave them Honey Nut Cheerios. I give them fresh fruit and yogurt for snacks. Lots of time outside to play and try to get rid of some of that excess energy. 

That's all I can think of right now.


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