# How to Say 'No' to Mother-in-law Moving In?



## KiwiTeawi

Although we could probably stay in our apartment for a few more years, my husband and I are financially ready to purchase a house. There is one person, however, that is preventing me from wanting to start looking - my mother-in-law.

She and my husband have this idea that we are all going to live together where she will get her own section or floor of the house and it will be as if I don't even know she is there.  

I do not hate her, but I have absolutely no desire to live under the same roof as her. There are some issues I have with her that I do not feel like getting into but issues aside, I just want my own house.

Every time my husband brings the idea of her living with us up, I very calmly interject that I really want us to have our own house. He gets so defensive, goes off about how he has to take care of his mother or else she'll rot, and quickly ends his tirade with how we will talk about it another time. He's not a mama's boy. In fact, they barely talk on the phone and half the time we see her, they fight. However in the end very oddly, he gets overprotective of her because she's divorced (not to my father-in-law, they never got married) and living alone feeling sorry for herself after all these years. She has duped my husband into thinking that she needs to live with us because her divorce left her barely able to stay in her house. I know this sounds cold, but I no longer feel sorry for her financial problems. She refuses to change her "glamorous" lifestyle. She cries she has no money but the next weekend is dropping a hundred dollars for a pair of shoes. When she asked to be part of our cell phone plan because splitting the bill for the better plan would be affordable for her, my husband swore she would pay her part when I told him I was against the idea. Of course she does not and when I suggest she either goes on a low plan or a different service provider, he always says that after all that she has gone through she doesn't deserve having crappy service. Maybe some people feel a cell phone as a necessity but I still see it as a luxury as I remember what life was like without one. This is another issue I cannot quite resolve. Although she had been divorced for two or three years when my husband and I first started dating, she wasn't quite like this. As time goes on, she gets more and more dependent like this. I sometimes want to shoot at my husband, "What bill's next? Her cable? Credit cards?"

I am so frustrated because she's far from elderly since she had him so young or a person with medical needs and can live in an apartment or a much smaller house once she sells her current house. The fact that he and I want to buy a house should be a discussion between us yet the only time we get to talk about it is in front of her where she always adds how we can all live together and how that would help her be more financially secure. My husband and I worked so hard to save for a house taking on extra working hours, skipping vacations, limiting how much we go out or do anything special, etc. I did not do all that with him for a house that really will not feel like my own.

How can I resolve this? I sometimes consider talking to my mother-in-law alone about how I feel about this and how we would of course help her find a place to live if need be, but I fear that I will walk away from that conversation with her looking like the victim. On the other hand, I really worry that this situation is going to come down to him choosing between his mother and my wishes and feelings over the matter. Maybe my only solution is to just stay in our apartment and move into a bigger when we need more bedrooms as we have children.

We have had such a great marriage where like any couple, we have our differences (aside from his mother) and argue occasionally, but we always overcome any struggle. This whole financial dependence and house situation unfortunately is the only thing we cannot get past.


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## Gaia

I am sorry but mother in law living with you two will not work out. She is a full grown woman and is more then capable of taking care of herself. She is trying to get off easy by guilty her son(your husband) into being her free ride and apparently has a selfish, entitled attitude. If she wants something so bad she can work for it like the rest of us. Her being his mother does not mean he has to take care of her the rest of her life. 

I have had MIL live with me and it basically tore apart my relationship with my man. She can easily stay at a shelter if things are that hard for her. Many other people do and have and end up getting back on their feet. 

She may be afraid to live alone and feel like she is losing her son but guess what. When kids grow up you need to let them live their own lives and be free not suffocate them to death to the point where they can never have a healthy relationship and always cater to your needs. She will just have to suck it up, attend therapy for herself and find the strength to be happy and let her son and you be happy living your own lives. 

As a mother of three and going on four i can honestly say that after dealing with such behavior myself from MIL i will never be so cruel as to do that to my own kids. That is selfish and certainly not thinking of them and their happiness.


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## Gaia

Oh another thing... if your husband truly loves you then he will have to find the balls to tell his mother no otherwise you two will probably not work out very long and he will have let her successfully ruin the relationship between him and you. There shouldn't be any competition and it's sad that alot of IL's in general feel the need to compete with the spouse vs being accepting.


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## Phenix70

Another person had this same issue on the radio this morning, the advice given was to tell your spouse that while you can understand they may want their mom to live with you, you feel that in the best interests of your marriage, it would be best if their mom lived elsewhere.
It can & does often cause all types of friction when a parent comes to live with a married couple, especially if the parent is a mother, because of the conflict of two women vying for "woman of the house."
It would be one thing if your MIL was older or had health issues, I see this purely as a way to continue to mooch off of you & your husband.
Does she not have a job?


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## EleGirl

To get a better idea of things, how old is your MIL? Has she ever had a job?

I agree that letting her live with you will be a disaster. You will be paying her bills while she spends her money as she pleases.. and she will consider herself the matriarch of your home. You and your husband will be reduced to the status of children.

Tell your husband that you will not live with her.

He can tell her that you two just cannot get a house right now. So he can help her sell her house and get a smaller place.. buy or rent. It would be better if she bought a place because then it will be harder for her to leave it.

Then once she is settled in, you two find a home and move in.

Just an idea


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## MyHappyPlace

Yikes! Do not under any circumstance let your MIL move in with you as a married couple. Just having my MIL stay with us for 2 weeks was a major disaster and a huge part of our separation the following month. When we started reconciling 3 weeks later, she had already packed up and moved from TX to AZ to live with my H and children. I beat her to the house and saw her look of horror when I answered the door at my own home and she asked what I was doing there. She proceeded to tell me that she would be around long after I was and that she wasn't going to allow me to be with her son. She never moved in. She had to go find an apartment of her own because there was NO WAY she was going to be under my roof. But she did stay close by and "reminds" me every chance she gets that she will get rid of me and live with my H and kids. Sorry, went off on a rant. 
Stick to your guns and tell your husband "No." It is not a discussion to dismiss and bring up later every time he's not getting his way. You are his wife, the woman he CHOSE to have as his #1 and he needs to remember and respect that. Let him know that you are not committing to the purchase of a house until you are assured that it will be your marital home and not the community family home.


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## zookeeper

Your MIL has turned on the helpless act to help compete with you for your husband's attention. She has found the angle that works with your husband. He has an over-developed sense of guilt and she plucks the strings.

This is not all that complicated. Stand up to your husband. Simply tell him no. You will not share your home with his mother. As she is apparently healthy and capable of supporting herself, there is no reason to even consider it. You may have to make him choose. Lay down the law. The longer you wait, the greater the odds you will lose your chance. 

Don't feel bad about his mother. Shame on her for intruding on her son's marriage like this.


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## Emerald

KiwiTeawi said:


> Although we could probably stay in our apartment for a few more years, my husband and I are financially ready to purchase a house. There is one person, however, that is preventing me from wanting to start looking - my mother-in-law.
> 
> She and my husband have this idea that we are all going to live together where she will get her own section or floor of the house and it will be as if I don't even know she is there.
> 
> I do not hate her, but I have absolutely no desire to live under the same roof as her. There are some issues I have with her that I do not feel like getting into but issues aside, I just want my own house.
> 
> Every time my husband brings the idea of her living with us up, I very calmly interject that I really want us to have our own house. He gets so defensive, goes off about how he has to take care of his mother or else she'll rot, and quickly ends his tirade with how we will talk about it another time. He's not a mama's boy. In fact, they barely talk on the phone and half the time we see her, they fight. However in the end very oddly, he gets overprotective of her because she's divorced (not to my father-in-law, they never got married) and living alone feeling sorry for herself after all these years. She has duped my husband into thinking that she needs to live with us because her divorce left her barely able to stay in her house. I know this sounds cold, but I no longer feel sorry for her financial problems. She refuses to change her "glamorous" lifestyle. She cries she has no money but the next weekend is dropping a hundred dollars for a pair of shoes. When she asked to be part of our cell phone plan because splitting the bill for the better plan would be affordable for her, my husband swore she would pay her part when I told him I was against the idea. Of course she does not and when I suggest she either goes on a low plan or a different service provider, he always says that after all that she has gone through she doesn't deserve having crappy service. Maybe some people feel a cell phone as a necessity but I still see it as a luxury as I remember what life was like without one. This is another issue I cannot quite resolve. Although she had been divorced for two or three years when my husband and I first started dating, she wasn't quite like this. As time goes on, she gets more and more dependent like this. I sometimes want to shoot at my husband, "What bill's next? Her cable? Credit cards?"
> 
> I am so frustrated because she's far from elderly since she had him so young or a person with medical needs and can live in an apartment or a much smaller house once she sells her current house. The fact that he and I want to buy a house should be a discussion between us yet the only time we get to talk about it is in front of her where she always adds how we can all live together and how that would help her be more financially secure. My husband and I worked so hard to save for a house taking on extra working hours, skipping vacations, limiting how much we go out or do anything special, etc. I did not do all that with him for a house that really will not feel like my own.
> 
> How can I resolve this? I sometimes consider talking to my mother-in-law alone about how I feel about this and how we would of course help her find a place to live if need be, but I fear that I will walk away from that conversation with her looking like the victim. On the other hand, I really worry that this situation is going to come down to him choosing between his mother and my wishes and feelings over the matter. Maybe my only solution is to just stay in our apartment and move into a bigger when we need more bedrooms as we have children.
> 
> We have had such a great marriage where like any couple, we have our differences (aside from his mother) and argue occasionally, but we always overcome any struggle. This whole financial dependence and house situation unfortunately is the only thing we cannot get past.


Please do not try to talk to her on the side. She sounds very manipulative. A victim without a cause.

The fact that she doesn't pay her share of the cell bill speaks volumes about her character. I mean no disrespect but she is a moocher & a user. I suspect that is why she is such a lonely woman.

If she is not elderly, poor & sick, then the answer is no. Personally, if she is playing the "poor card" I would throw money at the situation. Anything not to live with her.


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## Gaia

I agree with emerald except throwing money at the situation... that always backfires (In case of my spouses mother and brother) and you end up having to pay them every month then week, then day just to get rid of them and they keep demanding more.


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## MissFroggie

There are circumstances where allowing someone else to live with you can be a blessing all around and can be totally appropriate ... this is definitely not one of those times! She is not sick or unwell, she is not elderly or frail ... she is taking advantage and using emotional blackmail to manipulate her way into a free ride. If she is not paying the cell phone bill now, she will soon be paying for nothing and helping herself. Worse than that, she will be encroaching on your territory and trying to be the female power of your home. That's your position and never let anyone get near that! If you let her move in with you it will be MUCH harder to change it later - you will definitely be stuck with this situation for the rest of her life. You have to stand up against it now and make it a resounding NO WAY! Help her find somewhere of her own and reassure her you will both still be there for her, then find your own place for your family. I agree too that you should not speak to her one-on-one as she will definitely twist what has been said and how it has been said so she can be the victim! Absolutely insist that she cannot live with you! All the best being assertive hon, I know it's not easy but this is an occasion where the future of your marriage and family depend on it. xx


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## bunny23

I agree with everyone else...

You need to tell him that if she moves in your relationship may suffer- A LOT.


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## toonaive

Just say "NO". Any embellishment on attempt to negotiate this with the MIL will not go well for you. YOU will end up being the third person in the marriage. It will most definitely not be good for it. There will be plenty of other things to compromise on later. But, not this.


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## JustHer

Your MIL is manipulating her son. He is getting more and more "into" having her live with you because - she - is continually bringing it up.

I suggest you go to counseling. I don't know why but some husbands don't believe their wives. They have to read it in a book or hear it from someone else for it to sink in. But he needs to understand that:

1. His mother is NOT his responsibility
2. You are his responsibility. He needs to put you and your marriage first, above everything else.

It would be different if she were really old, you two were headed into retirement and have lived several decades building your life together. But not when she is capable of taking care of herself and the two of you are young. This will destroy you.

Have him read through this site, or better yet, have him pose the question himself.


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## frusdil

No no no no no no!!!!! Do NOT let her move in with you!!!

I second the above post about the counselling. Even better if you go first with your husband then take his mum with you to the follow up - let the counsellor tell her no.

You are his wife. His loyalty should be with you always, over and above anyone else.


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## ubercoolpanda

Is your husband an only child? Does your mother in law not have other children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissFroggie

I'm not sure this is a situation that requires counseling. To require counseling suggests there is some kind of compromise to be made and understanding required. You don't need to spend a load of money to know this is not cool! The idea of going to counseling with your husband and his mother is mental! I mean, who does that? If she is meddling in your lives you see it necessary to go together then she is already the third part of your marriage and inviting her to come to counseling is giving her more power in your marriage! She has no rights when it comes to your marriage and your family home etc so don't even entertain that thought! She needs to be taken out of the marriage not brought further in and given more rights to her self-serving opinions! x


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

If the ONLY time your H will discuss this is with his mother around, then it's time to woman-up and tell MIL to her face that you are NOT agreeing to all of you living together.

MIL: I'm sure you can understand how detrimental it would be to our marriage to have anyone else (even you *cough* *cough*) living in our home 24/7. Every couple needs privacy. Every couple needs space. Every couple needs the time to find their own way and make their own lives without outside help/suggestions/input. [If she's the least bit religious, throw the Bible at her..."a man should leave his mother & father and cleave unto his wife..."]

H: I understand you love your mother and feel a responsibility to her. I respect that and admire that in you. But you must acknowledge that your FIRST responsibility must be to your wife, your marriage, your children (when we have them). A strong marriage will make for a strong family. A home can only have ONE man leading it and one woman leading it, acting in tandem as a couple.

Perhaps we can work together on a way to make you feel more financially secure, MIL. Like getting you a smaller more-affordable place. Or helping you work on your resume or find a place to help you update your skills so you can get a better job. Or put you on some dating sites (J/K!)

GOOD LUCK! You may very well need it.


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## KiwiTeawi

First of all, thank you all so much. I apologize I have not been back since the weekend.

To answer a lot of your questions:

She is 54 and she does work. My husband has siblings, but through his father and stepmother. His mother did not have any children with his ex-step-father.

It feels good knowing that I am not alone and I am not crazy. 

One person mentioned trying to help her find an affordable place and I totally agree! A while ago before this whole house nonsense when she was crying about being "poor," I suggested she take a look an affordable, but very nice apartment complex maybe about ten miles from her house. Her response? "An apartment is beneath me. People my age belong in a house." 

Could a divorce from a while ago make someone this needy and childish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyHappyPlace

KiwiTeawi said:


> Could a divorce from a while ago make someone this needy and childish?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could be this is just her personality and she has ALWAYS been like this. She sounds a lot like my MIL... is she a "drama queen" too? My MIL tries to make EVERYTHING about her and often twists any situation to make herself the victim, which in my eyes makes her very "needy and childish." She will start crying if she's not getting enough attention. Family means the world to me so when I met my H and found out he hadn't talked to her in over 10 years I was horrified and started communications. It didn't take long for me to realize WHY he had cut his family out of his life.

Now back to you... you said she works. Does she receive alimony or spousal maintenance from your FIL? Have you talked to your husband one on one about this anymore? You two really need to come to an understanding and be on the same page first! Stand firm that you will not live under the same roof as her and that she needs to start paying her own bills. If she is living beyond her means, that is her problem and she needs to scale back.


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## NextTimeAround

I would not entertain any more philosophical discussions about this matter.

I would pursue the course of helping your MIL to sell her place and BUY somewhere more affordable. Any time the discussion cones around to her moving in with you two, take the discussion back around to HER home and HER finances and how you plan to help her that way.

The more you reveal your feelings the more material that they have to use against you.

There are a lot of people out there who, in the abstract think it's wonderful to have their MIL move in with them. In fact, one of my mother's friends is at the end of her money and moved in with her daughter, husband and young son. I hope it works out for them.

But I agree, it's not for everyone and therefore, it's not up for discussion. If you do think counseling is worth your money, just get it for yourself.


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## Phenix70

KiwiTeawi said:


> First of all, thank you all so much. I apologize I have not been back since the weekend.
> 
> To answer a lot of your questions:
> 
> She is 54 and she does work. My husband has siblings, but through his father and stepmother. His mother did not have any children with his ex-step-father.
> 
> It feels good knowing that I am not alone and I am not crazy.
> 
> One person mentioned trying to help her find an affordable place and I totally agree! A while ago before this whole house nonsense when she was crying about being "poor," I suggested she take a look an affordable, but very nice apartment complex maybe about ten miles from her house. Her response? "An apartment is beneath me. People my age belong in a house."
> *
> Could a divorce from a while ago make someone this needy and childish?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she got the divorce BECAUSE she's needy & childish.
Keep pursuing her finding her own place, it's time for her to face reality, which is she needs to take care of herself & stop relying on others to do so. 
At her age, it's time to become independent & stop expecting handouts for everyone. 
She needs to help herself. 

I fully understand that there are families who just love having multiple generations living together, it's just not something I personally could do to my marriage. 
If my own mother needed help, I would do all I could to provide her with her own place to live because of her extreme independence. 
She would not be happy having to move in with us, she would rather have her own place to call home as she would feel like a charity case.
As for my MIL, my H has already said that's why he has a sister.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't know what or how to say no. I am truly sorry your in this position. I'm a type of person that likes to live alone. I love my husband and children and I can't imagine life without them, but they are the ONLY people I'd ever live with.

Good luck. I really hope all works out for you.


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## zookeeper

Forget about figuring her out. Tell your husband and MIL, together in one room that she she will not be moving in with you. You are happy to help her find a new place, but it won't be your marital home.

She'll get all upset, probably have an outburst, maybe even call you names and attack you personally. This is good. It will get everyone's feelings out in the open. No more pretending that you two like each other. No more dancing around things in an effort to avoid conflict and hurting someone's feelings.

This will force your husband to make a choice. He may not choose you, but you need to know who the number one woman in his life is. If its her and you don't want to be number two, you'll have to face a hard decision. Better to make it now than later after you have sacrificed even more time with a man who doesn't put your needs first. If you don't, you'll be living in a house where your MIL has a say in everything and gets her way far more than you do. My father's mother lived with my parents from the day they got married until the day she died. I saw this first hand. My mother did not have her rightful position as woman of the house. She always had my grandmother around to undermine her. You won't like it. My mom didn't.


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## 6301

The next time the subject is brought up, maybe it would be time for you to tell him that when he married you, you were number one in his life, JUST LIKE HE'S NUMBER ONE IN YOURS and it would be totally different if she was dirt poor and down on her luck, but when she feels that an apartment is beneath her and she demands a certain lifestyle, it's not yours or his responsibility to provide her with one. Hold your ground on this one and don't budge because either way, there will be a rough spot in your marriage and her living with you and him will not only be rough but at some point unfixable. 

And one other thing. You said he's not a mama's boy. I beg to differ with you. I don't know how old he is but if he's old enough to have a wife than he's old enough to know that you come first and if he's worried about a spoiled woman who will never be satisfied and rolls over for her..............mamma's boy.


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