# A little lost right now



## homohominilvpvs (Jan 29, 2010)

It feels a little surreal to be posting here because it makes me realize how troubled my married life has become.

I'm in my mid twenties and am very recently married. My wife and I are about the same age, and she was a single mom, she has a young daughter that I am now in the process of adopting.

We've known each other for a couple of years, but spent most of our relationship living apart. I'm actually not American and my wife was initially planning to move out of the country to come live with me, but plans eventually changed and I've moved to the US pretty recently to be with her. I won't give too many details, but I will say that I come from a G8 country, and I've never dreamed of being American or anything, so this isn't a fake marriage on my part. My only reason for moving here was to be with her. Even though we did speed up the marriage process in large part due to immigration...

I feel like for the years that I have known my wife without living with her on a permanent basis the seperations really kept what we had alive. She was really attentive, sending me care packages and such, and I even remember thinking then that she was a better girlfriend than I was a boyfriend. When we did see each other it was very passionate and very sexual.

In the last couple of months things have radically changed. First of all my wife had a spout of infidelity that continued for a very long time with the same person and that turned into a very ambiguous friendship that wouldn't go away. I've told my wife many times that I wish she would cut all ties with this person (who isn't a best friend or anything), but she completely disregards my feelings in this matter. The whole thing started in August and as far as I know the actual sex lasted maybe a month, even though I know they were sending dirty pics to each other for longer. A couple of days ago I looked over her phonebill (which is screwed up, but more on that later), and realized that for the month of December (I was absent for a large part of it), she had sent probably between 500 and 1000 text messages to this one person. She told me that it was just stupid friendly stuff, but I don't understand why she maintains any kind of relationship with this person when she knows how much it hurts me.

I have never been a jealous person or a snooper. But my wife is a compulsive texter (about 3000 texts a month) and she also has a very hard time communicating. It never really got to me before we started living together, but she is extremely introverted but at the same time will spend hours just texting people while we sit there saying nothing. In September I started going through her phone, which is how I found out about her infidelity. I've probably done this kind of thing about ten times since. I hate doing it but I always have the feeling that she talks about things to everyone except me. About half the time I've found things that I might qualify as partially incriminating. I think that everything has stopped now, and to be honest if past infidelities are done I can forgive her and move on. Even though because I snooped through her phone, I am the one who is untrustworthy, which I feel is really unfair.

One thing is that there was a lot of tension because I took longer to get here that she wanted. I have only made my final move to the US about a month ago. Before then I had a residential situation in another country. Good job, great place of residence (rented but still), a good amount of money aside. I've pretty much sacrificed everything to come here. I've spent about 10k, quit my job, gave up my home. A lot of times when I think about leaving my wife my greatest aversion is that I would be left with nothing. I would most likely have to move back, I would most likely end up in debt for a time. I've burned a lot of bridges to be with my wife (something she has absolutely no appreciation for) and the thought of going back empty handed is extremely depressing, on top of the thought of being divorced.

One of the things about my wife is that she is most likely suffering from chronic depression. She hasn't been formally labelled, but she has been through a number of therapies and she and I have talked about it and I think that that is probably the case (I should mention that I do have a degree in psychology, even though I am of course in no position to be anything more than a husband to her). One of the main problems is that she views her condition as something that can't be worked on, but that just exists and that I should just accept. This is one of her reoccuring arguments, that she is the way she is and if I don't like it I shouldn't be with her.

My wife "feels sick" all the time. Headaches, general feelings of "not feeling well." Almost not a day goes by where she isn't feeling sick. It really gets in the way of our everyday life. I used to care, but more and more, part of me feels like she is a hypochondriac. 

Even though we are newly married, our relationship feels extremely distant. My wife never feels like cuddling with me. She never really liked kissing. I never saw myself as a compulsive cuddler, but we hardly have any physical contact. It didn't used to be like that. Sometimes she basically says that before she was hiding her true self and this is her true self. Isn't it normal for a husband and wife to hug and kiss a couple of times in a day. She complains that I'm whiney and needy (I've had a fair deal of relationships, and I am usually more the opposite). IMO I'm just normal, but I get pushed away a lot. It really makes me feel like crap sometimes.

My wife is also physically and verbally violent with me. It all borders within the grey area between a running joke and abuse. The other day my wife threw a glass at me, half jokingly, because I had washed the dishes and it was still dirty, and the glass broke on impact and I ended up having to get stitches. I can't tell if I'm being whiney or if it's all really ****ed up. The thing is I am a really strong person and so my wife's constant put downs didn't really phase me. But at the same time I've come to realize that my wife never ever says anything nice to me. Ever. Not on my physical appearance or that I am good at anything or anything like that. I didn't think that I needed it but the more time passes the more I realize that maybe I do. I on the other hand constantly tell my wife how great she is. The thing is my wife has extremely low self esteem, so it's like my validation isn't enough.

The thing is my wife is really great with her/our daughter. She constantly tells her how beautiful, great, smart intelligent she is, which is great. I'm not at all jealous, but I have made the remark to my wife: "you understand that a child needs positive emotions, why can't you understand that an adult needs that too?" At the time, she was like ok, I understand, but since, nothing has really changed.

The other thing is our sex life has been horrible for a couple of months. Sex is really good each time, for both of us, but it's every couple of days, it's always me initiating and each time it feels like my wife is borderline forcing herself at first, even though each time she gets into it. I never feel any desire from my wife, and my wife never tells me anything like: you're sexy, or that she wants me. About two months ago she told me that it was because I was out of shape and I needed to get back into shape. It's true that over the summer, I had an accident and as a result gained a bit of weight. I basically went from athletic to average. However in the last month I've gone to the gym about five times a week. I'm not there yet, but I'm already feeling more confident and some results are showing. There are no encouragements from my wife. In fact, the days that I don't go to the gym I always get a little comment.

My wife is VERY hard to talk to. I am a very extroverted and communicative person and any time I try to open dialogue about our problems she becomes really nasty and aggressive in her speech.

Don't get me wrong, I know I've vented a lot, which I really don't have a chance to do, but I really love my wife, and I really wish things would work out. But there are many times, like tonight, where I have a hard time imagining that happening. I would be willing to work on so many things, but I'm really starting to realize that she is not. In fact, and this is a very bad sign, I've started fantasizing about being with other women. Not sexually, but I've really just been fantasizing about having a functional relationship with a woman. I hate the fact that I'm doing it, but the more I lose hope in my marriage the more being able to hope for happiness with someone else keeps me from feeling completely depressed....

I can't really vent to any of my friends or familly because a lot of them already think that I made too hasty of a decision in coming here. And I do want to work this out and I don't want the people around me to dislike my wife. I just really don't know what to do or say anymore.

The more time goes on, the more I distance myself. I'm trying less and less. I really don't want it to go this way.... I guess any input would be good, even though to be honest just writing this has helped a bit, at least to clear my jumbled thoughts a bit.


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## ocean2breeze (Feb 5, 2010)

She sounds perhaps she developed feelings for someone else before you came over. She hadn't expected to get married. Maybe thought about it, talked about it but didn't realize it would happen so fast. She was juggling her feelings with you and perhaps someone else. But didn't want to let you down by not going though with the marriage. Some people think anyone from another country who wants to get married to someone here must have a terrible life back home, even when they hear that persons life is actually great in the other country. Either way I think she is still confused about it all and hasn't fully dealt with her emotions or decisions. She might feel trapped in a marriage not well planned or thought out. You might wanna not make her feel like your depending on her in any way just to solve any legal or financial problems. It's a tricky situation. You have to bring the newness of dating back into the relationship. Some fun and spark. You don't want her to feel obligated to be with you but you do want her to consider being with you as not a bad thing. She married you for a reason even if it was rushed. You have to take the stress of getting married out of her mind and find ways to reminder her of the reasons you two liked each other to begin with. Renew the spark, the love, the happiness, the excitement of the relationship.


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## jhou88 (Feb 5, 2010)

I feel bad for you. I was in a very similar situation, I came here from canada, and my husband had a girlfriend (which I found out about later). I understand the part where you say you burned a lot of bridges to come here, and returning empty handed and divorced is depressing (and embarrassing). I felt exactly the same way. She sounds like she doesn't appreciate you. One thing I will say though, there is no justification or cause for her to be friends with someone she cheated on you with. That person has to be cut out, and you have to be firm about this. She will argue and be mad at first, but in the end she will respect you and the marriage more.


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## ducky (Feb 17, 2010)

That sounds like a very difficult situation. I think it would be best if you told her that you are not sure if the marriage is going to work out, put the adoption on hold and see if she will go to therapy. She might be very eager to work on the relationship when she realizes that you may leave if the relationship doesn't improve. Good luck.


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