# When is it enough??



## Gekko (Sep 11, 2014)

I've been married for not quite 13 years now and have a 3 year old daughter (who, as far as I'm concerned, the sun rises and sets over!). It took us a very long time to conceive her - and at many points were told we would never have children. 

My relationship with my wife is awful. Back in May, she was going through my phone (which she does all the time) and found a professional photo of an attorney friend of mine in my photos. (My friend was having a new photo taken for her firm's website - so it was truly a professional photo). She asked who it was. I told her. She then proceeded to go through all of my work and personal email to find a "smoking gun". There isn't one. We were then, and are now, good friends. Nothing more. (Note: the photo was sent to me and asked me what I thought of it. My literal reply - nice photo. It'll look good on the webpage.) Despite the lack of a smoking gun, she picked up our daughter and left the house for a week accusing me of having a sexual relationship with this woman.

During the week she was gone, I sought the advice of, and retained, a divorce attorney. I was prepared to file and push the issue of a) returning our daughter and b) seeking custody of our daughter as well. We talked throughout the week and I backed down on filing. She returned home and admitted to me "I know you're not sleeping with that woman. But you are still having an affair."

Now we just fight constantly. Every night it is something different. It often revolves around my "girlfriend/mistress/*****" depending on the pejorative term of the day. 

I am gainfully employed and make a good living. She doesn't work outside of the house electing to stay home and be with our daughter which I have fully supported. However, our daughter now goes to school three days a week for between 3 and 4 hours a day. During this time, nothing is done at our house. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry, etc. I work in excess of 60 hours a week (between office and night time work), have a second very, very part time gig (not for money but because it keeps my real estate license active), end up doing most of the cleaning in the house, all of my laundry and much of our daughters, 75% of the cooking, 75-80% of the grocery shopping, etc. 

We've had problems for many years and I've ignored them and enabled a lot of this behavior. We are in marriage counselling which isn't going well. I gave up years ago (before our daughter) and just went with the flow. (I know, shame on me). She controls every dime of our finances - including checking the credit card statements on line 2 or 3 times per day. If I go to lunch with someone from my office and it isn't billable, I will get a text or an email from her asking "Who did you go to lunch with?". She exchanges text messages with a girlfriend about me that range from "I'm leading him down the path of complacency to tell him to FO when I'm good and ready" to "I know's he's with that ***** again." etc. When I confronted her about these her response was "You were never meant to see those."

She's accused me of being bi-polar and clinically depressed (of which there is probably some validity to the second part of that) . I have also discovered that our largest bank accounts of ready cash do not have my name on them (I don't know how that happened) and she will not add my name or provide me online access to see them. She calls me multiple times per day at the office to see "What's going on?". If I don't call her back if she gets my VM, she starts calling other people I work with. I've finally shared with my senior leadership team members (of which I am a member) some of what is going on to help alleviate the rumor mill and have stated that, if necessary, I'd take a leave of absence to keep this out of the office to avoid further distraction to our core business objectives right now.

I'm just tired - mentally, physically, and emotionally. My office is in upheaval right now (we survived the economic downturn just fine but now have issues), so there is a lot of stress and pressure there, and I don't want to go home. I find myself retreating to work more and more to get away. When I do go home, I often sit in the driveway for 10 minutes or more to avoid going in the house because I never know what I'm going to walk into. I'm having physical issues with all of the stress (lots of stomach issues, biting my fingernails and cuticles, etc.) and have recently started to drink again. (I essentially quit several years ago for health reasons.)

I've talked to a lot of my friends all of whom have unequivocally stated that I need to get the hell out. I know in my mind it is never going to get any better. She has put some of our joint friends in untenable positions and burned a lot of bridges already.

We don't have any appreciable physical relationship either. We once went over a year without sex. After this, she offered up sex a couple of times and I just didn't even want to bother. The couple of times we had sex recently, I just faked an orgasm each time to be done. (Apparently convincingly!) She alternates between the extremes of "I want another baby" (but apparently without sex) to "I'm sleeping in the other room." (For the last 6 years we really haven't shared a bed at all.)

If it wasn't for my 3 year old, I'd be done already. I love her - we spent a lot of time together. I just am not in love with her anymore. When her parents were divorced it took 8 years - her father kept bringing in new attorneys and seeking continuances. I suspect that she would do the same thing. 

I know this is very disjointed post, for which I apologize. I've been seeing an individual therapist (in addition to MC) which is helping me address some of my past baggage. But I just can't seem to pull the trigger. I need some advice from others who have been here. I'm concerned that a) I'll never be able to see my baby girl and b) that this will screw up my daughter. Yet at the same time, I don't think the whole situation is healthy for my daughter anyway. It not about the money either - I'd pretty much give her everything if that's what it comes down to. I just don't care about the money enough.

At what point do you just say "enough" and walk away. I will say that if somehow I was awarded custody of my daughter (primary, residential) I would be in fear of her safety and mine. I do think that my wife has some mental issues (for which she refuses to seek treatment) - mental illness runs in her family. She's already threatened a "Chernobyl" like divorce if we go that route. She has threatened to try and have me fired and have me disbarred (I am also an attorney - just not a divorce attorney).

Any thoughts anyone has would be greatly appreciated. I need to know if anyone else has been here, how it worked out, is there life after filing, etc. I've shared with my therapist that I'm certain this will literally kill me very early if I don't make a change. A good friend of mine told me the other day "I know you have a lot of stress, but you look like hell and look the worst I've ever seen you in the last 10 years." I feel trapped in a really bad spot with no good answers.

Thanks.....


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How the hell does a SAHM gain control of all the finances? Ever think she accuses you of cheating cause she is guilty herself? Life is too short. You need to be a better role model for your child cause that is not a happy or healthy enviornment she is living in. Get out.....ASAP!!!


----------



## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

So you have been to marriage counseling but what tools has your MC shared with you that you have actually tried over a long period of time? I see nothing in your post about efforts you have made-just complaints about your wife.

It wasn't appropriate for your attorney friend to text you a picture of herself and ask for your opinion, no matter how professional the picture was. As a wife, that would make be uncomfortable as well. You need to stop downplaying that incident. I don't care if she sent the pic to 100 people, if you're married you shouldn't have been one of the recipients.

With that said, your wife sounds mean spirited and controlling. She seems to be very jealous. I am betting that at the root of her behavior is a deep seated insecurity. What conversations have you two had recently about trust and boundaries?


----------



## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Gekko said:


> At what point do you just say "enough" and walk away.


Before you go that route, try saying "enough" and telling her "no". You don't need to walk away.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

richie33 said:


> How the hell does a SAHM gain control of all the finances? Ever think she accuses you of cheating cause she is guilty herself? Life is too short. You need to be a better role model for your child cause that is not a happy or healthy enviornment she is living in. Get out.....ASAP!!!


What? Neither partner should control all the finances, doesn't matter whether they're a SAHM or not.

I would make an exception in your case though OP.

You need to tell your wife that you want full access to and your name on those bank accounts - now. Remind her that half of it is rightfully yours.

If she refuses, you need to stop the money going into the account(s) with her name on them. Open up a new account in your name only, have your salary paid into it and change on your online access code. Cut off her credit card. You can keep her in the loop by downloading a statement at the end of each day and giving it to her.

You've gotta play hard ball here. Those texts with her friend are very concerning.

Have you ever given her a reason to suspect you might be cheating? Has she always been this way?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

frusdil said:


> What? Neither partner should control all the finances, doesn't matter whether they're a SAHM or not.
> 
> I would make an exception in your case though OP.
> 
> ...


SAHM, SAHD, working mom, working dad doesn't matter. No one person should have all that control....is that better? She sounds like a roommate not a wife.


----------



## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Gekko said:


> The couple of times we had sex recently, I just faked an orgasm each time to be done. (Apparently convincingly!)


and she doesn't notice there's no cream in the pie??

anyway, it would be worth your while to have her "observed" for a week or two.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sometimes the accuser is guilty of the very thing they accuse you of. 

Have you ever been unfaithful to her?


----------



## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Time to leave, but kid being 3 years old makes it tough. Touch situation, best of luck to you.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Since there is no violence or cheating, I'd stick around for the sake of your daughter. Sounds like she will make it tough to see her if you file for divorce.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so what's the actual story with this lawyer friend of yours? you said that she's a good friend. How often do you talk to her? Your wife might be referring to an emotional affair. Are you having an emotional affair with this woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would agree with your friends this sounds toxic and will likely get worse. You two are in MC and this is still this way? Sounds like she doesn't have a vested interest in this getting better.

My x and I divorced when my youngest was one. Heartbreaking but she never has and never will have a memory of her mother and I living together. In a lot of ways she has adjusted better than my oldest who does have memories of that. If this isn't going to change and your wife won't take steps to make it change I would say get out now vs when it become so unbearable you have to leave when your daughter is older. 

To my mind part of parenting is being a good role model for your children. Watching her mom treat her dad this way isn't that.

You already realize you stand to loose a lot during the divorce if you consulted a lawyer. But seems like no matter what this is coming and the longer it goes the harder it will be

Good luck


----------



## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> *Sometimes the accuser is guilty of the very thing they accuse you of. *
> 
> Have you ever been unfaithful to her?


Good point - what's she doing during the time when your daughter is at school? She clearly isn't doing anything around the house as far a cleaning, so how does she spend that time? It might bear looking into...


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It seems to me like a LOT of your issues stem from "opposite sex friend".

So let me ask you, is your marriage more important than this friendship?

Personally, I don't believe in male/female being friends (as a man you should know why).

Also, while in a marriage/relationship I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage to have opposite sex friends. In my marriage it's a BOUNDARY. 

NOW, I'm not saying that your wife's blaming etc is ok. It's NOT, but it ALL stems from the issue above (I believe).

Put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if she was going out/friends with other men? 

You do realize that most men will not be friends with a women unless there is certain level of attraction correct?

This about all this....



What I would recommend > acknowledge you were wrong and cut ties with your "friend". Your wife/marriage is your priority.

As you can see I always recommend fixing yourself FIRST and making sure your end of things doesn't effect things.

You said you work 60 hours a week? IMO that's extreme and too much. That leaves you with very little time for your wife/family.

NOW, onto your wife. 

She needs to do her end of the job. She is being negligent about her duties. THis has to CHANGE. Whatever you are doing to enable this (as you said)....STOP IT. She needs to cover her end of things or get a job.

I don't like the fact that she shares your personal stuff with her girl friend. You should talk to her about this and tell her that ANY and ALL issues within your relationship should be discussed between you 2.

Her blaming has to stop as well. What others have said is correct, some of these traits are of a cheater. Tell her that you are considering ending the marriage as she is constantly blaming you for NOTHING and you feel that she is already cheating due to "assuming" this lie. 

But be VERY careful, your "friendship" does NOT help to put her mind at ease. Her concerns are NATURAL and REAL.........we all know that you can be the best person on earth but will not be able to stop NATURE. Whenever you get 2 people of opposite sex and they spend time together......nature will come up. Besides you probably know VERY well that this "friend" would never be your "friend" if she wasn't attractive to you......do you find her attractive?

Create an healthy/open environment where you 2 can sit down and talk like adults about these issues and work on them (that means no anger...no name calling...no defensiveness etc). If you sense any of those, walk away/come back when you 2 are calm.

If YOU and HER are willing to work on these things, EVERYTHING will work out.


----------



## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Wow DoF you are way off. Men and women can be friends, for sure.

We men have something called a brain, and we can use it from time to time to keep our penises out of every woman we know, at work, play, friends' friends, etc... 

Shocking, I know...


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

In marriage opposite sex friends that are not shared friends are destabilizing to the marriage.

To be good friends means you share details of your personal life. Doing so in this case means the OSF knows the OP is unhappy in his marriage. 

Thats just setting things up for problems.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> Wow DoF you are way off. Men and women can be friends, for sure.


That's your opinion.

Sure, we can. the question is, should we? 



justaguy123 said:


> We men have something called a brain, and we can use it from time to time to keep our penises out of every woman we know, at work, play, friends' friends, etc...
> 
> Shocking, I know...


Nothing to do with that. And there is no such a thing as "100% brain" or "100% penis" control.

At the end of the day, it's inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

DoF said:


> That's your opinion.
> 
> Sure, we can. the question is, should we?
> 
> ...


For your marriage it is.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so do either of you have female friends are not friends with your wife or female friends that your wife is uncomfortable with or disapprovesof? or is this just theoretical?

I'd the answer is yes to one or both of those questions then how do you explain choosing another woman over your wife? 

because in this case the wife is not comfortable with this relationship.

and let's remember that very often when someone comes on to a website like this with a laundry list of complaints against their spouse is usually another person waiting in the wings and they're just looking for support to justify stepping out of their relationship to pursue the other relationship. 

and let's say for a moment that dope is telling the truth about his wife and that she is a really lousy partner. That's an even bigger reason that he shouldn't have outside female friends and he should work on the marriage or get out of it. because there is no way that having another woman in his life is going to help his marriage or help keep peace at home for his child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I have plenty of female friends. I have known them 20 plus years, before I met my wife. They all hit it off immediately. They are now friends of both of ours. When we all get together they spend more time with my wife. I do not subscribe that men and women can not be friends. Now the OP doesn't seem interested in answering anything. My hunch is that this marriage had a tons of problems way before May and this picture he commented on.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

she sounds a little nutz. AND manipulating the bank accounts so your name is not on them, sounds like a premediated plan for divorce.

But, assuming the best...she is just very insecure for some reason. How about this. You schedule two sessions at a polygraph house. You submit to quesiton about if you have ever touched another woman or had an EA during your marriage. She answers the same.

If she IS cheating, you will find out quickly when she refuses the test. If she is not cheating, but paranoid...the test will soothe her mind


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

People are getting hung up on the friend here, but even if the friend had never been in the picture I'm sure your story would be the same.

From what you've posted I assume you realise you can't fix her, she has issues that she needs to work on.

As far as your daughter is concerned, you worry that divorce will screw her up, what do you think staying in a relationship like this will do to her? You are giving her the blueprint for how a relationship should be, and this particular design is destined to fail.

You have 2 choices.

1. Stay in the relationship and accept that this is the way it will always be

2. Get out and start again and teach your daughter how to have a happy life.

I think you know which decision you've made, you just need some reassurance you've made the correct decision


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

People rewrite history when there is another person involved so it calls his story into question.


----------



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Gekko said:


> I've been married for not quite 13 years now and have a 3 year old daughter It took us a very long time to conceive her - and at many points were told we would never have children.
> 
> We were then, and are now, good friends. Nothing more.
> 
> ...


No offence. Your wife might sound crazy, but you don't sound innocent either even this is a one-side story.

1.	A married man has a female “good friend” who will send him her photo to ask for his opinion about it. This sounds odd to me. Apparently your wife does not even know her. She is just your “good friend”. You have been married for 13 years and are still able to keep a girl as “good friend” without your wife knowing about it. That’s interesting…

2.	Your relationship was awful even before your daughter was born and you and your wife still “took us a very long time to conceive her”. So why you intentionally wanted to have a baby with a woman you had awful relationship with for "long time"? Or maybe your memory was wrong that your relationship was not that bad before the baby was born?


----------

