# Would you ever stop being friends with someone b/c your partner requested it?



## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Or is it petty?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Depends.

Is the "friend" someone I cheated with or who was a bad influence (drugs, hated/talked sh*t about my partner?)

Or is the friend my childhood girlfriend from kindergarten who is kind and isn't a bad influence to our marriage? 

Variables.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

It all depends. My husband had a set of friends (a married couple) that were toxic to our marriage. I had to put my foot down about them. When he cut them off, many things improved for us. 

On the occasion some friends can be toxic to a marriage. So I will choose my husband over them any day.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Depends (no, I am not talking about bladder control panties).

If a spouse is objecting to a friend of the opposite sex, respect your spouse. 

If it is someone of the same sex, I'd want a good explanation. If reasonable, then probably do so.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

In most cases I think the answer is yes. However as the others here have said, it depends on the circumstances you are in and who the friend is. In order to answer your question we need more information.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Fairweather friends - not worth fighting over.

REAL friends - it can take a lifetime to get a handful. That shìt you don't let go. Wouldn't date somebody who didn't understand that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nope and have had to prove it.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

A person is being childish beyond what my tolerance level & patience will endure. 

The person has been addressed or curbed rather. They'll do better for a moment and then give it some time before they are repeating the same behavior. 

I've said that addressing the person isn't working and that the friendship should be ended if they will not listen. 

The response is that they are childhood friends and that they will continue to address the person and would never ask me to end a friendship.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I would Yes..if by partner you mean spouse and you are not in an abusive relationship.

My spouse is suppose to come before all else. Our relationship is suppose to be for life and the most important thing. Actions speak louder than words. By keeping a firend that your spouse does not like, you are telling him/her indirectly that the friend means more to you than he/she does. It's that simple.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to give more information.

How are they being "childish?" Are they making fart jokes? Or are they setting your house on fire? 

Your vague descriptions make me wonder why so much mystery is involved in your post "A person is being childish..." "The person has been addressed... they are repeating behavior." 

The gender is purposely left out.

It seems like you are the one getting upset, not your partner, being that you are saying your tolerance level can't handle it... is this maybe just a "you" problem?

Really, without more detail it's hard to know what exactly you feel is so awful about the friend that your partner should end their friendship with this lifelong friend.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with Jellbeans. We can't give advice without knowing a little more than that. 

Childish like they are going out and drinking and acting immature?

Childish like they play video games at your house and eat all of your food?

Childish like they sing a song you don't like over and over again?

There are so many different versions of advice you could get.

There are friendships that are toxic to a marriage and some that may just annoy one spouse due to small things (like coming over to eat all your food and drink your beer)....I would expect my H to end a toxic friendship, but the annoying (to me) friendship would probably be just something I lived with.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Whatever happened with your partner needing space?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

You haven't specified the problem but it sounds like a 'needy' friend taking up an inordinate amount of your SO's time.

Ever-needy friends don't qualify for the true friends category. All take, little give.

In that event you aren't being unreasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

I agree with the others in that my answer is dependent on how the friend behaves that you find "childish". Is the behavior just annoying or in some way dangerous? How is it impacting your relationship?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> You need to give more information.
> 
> How are they being "childish?" Are they making fart jokes? Or are they setting your house on fire?
> 
> ...


My intentions are to be vague on purpose for identity purposes.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Whatever happened with your partner needing space?


It's getting better and my mood is better. There hasn't been any unreasonable space or time apart since his situation changed. I went to a relationship counselor that has a history with me and my relationship. A lot of what I had planned to roll out during the session, is happening on it's own.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Green Eyes said:


> I agree with the others in that my answer is dependent on how the friend behaves that you find "childish". Is the behavior just annoying or in some way dangerous? How is it impacting your relationship?


Just annoying. In my world, I would have nothing more to do with the person but it's out of my direct control.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

In order to justify exiling a spouses friend they really need to be a threat to the marriage itself. A friend who does things that isolates you from the spouse or enables behavior more appropriate for a single person is a threat to a marriage. Someone who is merely annoying is not. My wife has friends I don't care for and try to avoid but they are not a harm to me or my marriage so I just suck it up. I'm sure the same is true for her.

Unless you provide more details we can't help any more than that. The devil is in the details. Trying to determine if something is marriage friendly requires knowing more about their actions and history.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

meson said:


> In order to justify exiling a spouses friend they really need to be a threat to the marriage itself. A friend who does things that isolates you from the spouse or enables behavior more appropriate for a single person is a threat to a marriage. Someone who is merely annoying is not. My wife has friends I don't care for and try to avoid but they are not a harm to me or my marriage so I just suck it up. I'm sure the same is true for her.
> 
> Unless you provide more details we can't help any more than that. The devil is in the details. Trying to determine if something is marriage friendly requires knowing more about their actions and history.


Thanks. This is helpful actually. I'll sit and decide if it's a threat to the relationship. It's not a current problem, but should it resurface, I want to be prepared.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Whatever happened with your partner needing *an affair*?


Fixed it for you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO has a friend I find annoying, plus we are almost diametrically opposed in terms of religion and politics and certain value beliefs that make me want to smack him, repeatedly.

But, they've known each other since childhood, so I limit the time I am around him without trying to limit my SO's time with him.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Fixed it for you.


?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

DH has never asked me to end a friendship, I however have had issues with some of his friends at the beginning of our relationship. At the time, I didn't ask him to end the friendships, but without my support and approval, their continued existence in our life sort of petered out. I had a choice about who I spent my time with, and DH knew I didn't want to spend time with these people, and since DH and I wanted to spend a lot of time together, that automatically excluded them. I'm not really the type to try enforce something on someone else, but I'm very firm on anyone trying to enforce something on me, such as being around morons; it's just not going to happen.


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

Janis said:


> Just annoying. In my world, I would have nothing more to do with the person but it's out of my direct control.


My H has had a friendship before with someone I found annoying. I just tried to limit my exposure to that person. That said, the friend's behavior deteriorated to a level that was very inappropriate so my H chose to end the friendship himself.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Could someone link me to the thread in which I said my partner is having an affair? 

Thank you in advance.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Janis said:


> Could someone link me to the thread in which I said my partner is having an affair?
> 
> Thank you in advance.


It's very common on TAM to be told your partner MUST be having or seeking an affair if they ask for space. There are a lot of folks here who have been cheated on, and some of them heard the "I need space" from their partners, so they conclude that everyone who says it really means they want to have sex with someone else.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

norajane said:


> It's very common on TAM to be told your partner MUST be having or seeking an affair if they ask for space. There are a lot of folks here who have been cheated on, and some of them heard the "I need space" from their partners, so they conclude that everyone who says it really means they want to have sex with someone else.


This is another reason why I am vague on my posts.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

yes, I would drop a friend if it made my husband feel more secure.

This is a moment when we should all be thinking about appropriate boundaries with friends so it doesn't come to that anyway.

When I first started dating my husband he had unfinished business that he tried to frame as "just friends." After I had spent enough time with him, I made clear that if he had to have her around, then I would start dating other men (implicit message: and phase you out.) 

This woman had done enough toxic things and adversely influenced my (future) husband enough that I knew that any kind of "compromise" would just not be worth the risk.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Janis said:


> My intentions are to be vague on purpose for identity purposes.


Is this childhood friend, a female?


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

Janis said:


> Would you ever stop being friends with someone b/c your partner requested it?


yes, if my wife deserves the request

if she'd been meeting my needs and I could see that unfriending a person would be the best move for the marriage... then yes


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

It just depends. Is there history between the two ppl? Usually someone is not too keen on the idea of both being friends if: a) they've slept together...once, twice, thirty times. b) they are a bad influence c) are crazy


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I am friends with a woman on Facebook that I was friends with at age 14. She also took my virginity. Have not even seen her in 29 years. She and I were both CSA survivors and clung to each other and tried to help each other.

I just like that she is alive and has a big family and is happy. 

My wife saw that I liked on a couple of her posts and pictures, I don't hide anything, and asked me if she was the "one" that I had sex with. I said yes, I have told her before. She said she wanted me to unfriend her.

I told her that I was sorry she was jealous but explained the whole story, I have told her before, and asked to keep her as a friend and I would not like on pictures of her. She relented but if she is seriously bothered in the future, I will remove her.

My wife is more attractive BTW and she knows it.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Janis said:


> My intentions are to be vague on purpose for identity purposes.


Got it. 

Without the extra/most pertinent info though, there's not much we can advise on.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Opposite sex, yes.
Same gender, if no reasonable reason behind it, then hell no.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

MysticTeenager said:


> Opposite sex, yes.
> Same gender, if no reasonable reason behind it, then hell no.


Categorically No? Whatever his reason for the request? If that is the case, you are saying there are people more important in your life than your husband. Hard to have any security knowing you are not the most important peson to your spouse...just saying...


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

No


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Observer said:


> Categorically No? Whatever his reason for the request? If that is the case, you are saying there are people more important in your life than your husband. Hard to have any security knowing you are not the most important peson to your spouse...just saying...


My husband is the most important person to me. But if he told me to stop being friends with say my life long female bestfriend for no reason at all. Then he is being a jerk and I will refuse until he comes up with a reasonable excuse?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Got it.
> 
> Without the extra/most pertinent info though, there's not much we can advise on.


That's fine. I've been able to pull enough advice out of this. Which is to not even make an issue of it unless it is causing damages to the relationship, serious damages.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

My wife has a friend that annoys me. By annoy, I mean try to get me to be extraverted when I'm being introverted. And I pretty much don't exist when she is around, even when I try to join in the conversation. But my wife really enjoys being around her and she is in such a great mood while her friend is over. But she is also really flaky and needy when she's not around and my wife gets really upset after those types of things happen and she turns to me.

I can't imagine asking my wife to stop being friends with someone. But if I did, I would probably be more concerned if she did stop, because to end something like a friendship because of an overly-controlling request like that sounds a little too sacrificial and blindly following. The kind of thing you follow up by asking if they would also jump off a cliff if I asked.

EDIT: However, my wife will naturally not want to be around someone that starts bad-mouthing me or starts being toxic to our marriage.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

"Opposite sex, yes.
Same gender, if no reasonable reason behind it, then hell no. "
:iagree:

Sometimes a spouse needs a seperate space of his/her own ; if the relation is not toxic to marriage then no objection should be made...

my wife is in friendship with a women who hates me , yet as long as she is not being toxic to my marriage i don't care .

I have friends from childhood who are not bad , but they never grew up , I like to hang with some once in a blue moon and recall memories such how when we were 18 we were afraid to cross the road assuming there is a dog the other side to discover at dawn that it was a rock ( we were definetly drunk).
:rofl:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

s'mores said:


> My wife has a friend that annoys me. By annoy, I mean try to get me to be extraverted when I'm being introverted. And I pretty much don't exist when she is around, even when I try to join in the conversation. But my wife really enjoys being around her and she is in such a great mood while her friend is over. But she is also really flaky and needy when she's not around and my wife gets really upset after those types of things happen and she turns to me.
> 
> I can't imagine asking my wife to stop being friends with someone. But if I did, I would probably be more concerned if she did stop, because to end something like a friendship because of an overly-controlling request like that sounds a little too sacrificial and blindly following. The kind of thing you follow up by asking if they would also jump off a cliff if I asked.
> 
> EDIT: However, my wife will naturally not want to be around someone that starts bad-mouthing me or starts being toxic to our marriage.


If a friend is annoying without appearing to be so with intent, I would put up with that friend of my husband's.

the kind of "friend" that needs to go is one who seems to always create conflict between you and your partner. And in this case, it does not matter whether it appears that they are doing so on purpose or not. Even people who are single will dump a friend who becomes more and more needy. 

The conflicts can come in various guises:

1. the toxic friend regularly gives advice: My husband's ex friend advised him to drop me. You know she has to go.

2. they are somehow capable of creating time conflicts. Constant last minute, or worse, emergency type requests for one's time. Or they are already aware of your schedule and will still try to get you to change plans.

3. Your partner always seems to spend a lot of money -- more than what you think is necessary -- when they are with their friend. My husband closed at least 2 bar tabs that I know of with his "friend" and her friends. Yet, for a while, until he and I had a discussion about it, he was quite miserly with me.

4. Just in general, your partner has this unspoken, unwritten, just downright unclear vague need to constantly try to do something to please this "friend." My exH was like that with a certain couple -- the husband he knew from university and the wife just came out of nowhere, but strangely seemed to take up a lot of space in my (ex) husband's head. 

Your partner is not your assistant, your girl Friday or whatever the expression is for men. They are NOT there to help you service your friends -- whether it is in time, money or adulation.

Your friends should enhance your life, not be the masters of it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Janis said:


> Or is it petty?


You should not stop being friends with someone just because your partner says so. However, that assumes that the request is an arbitary request.

If that person upsets my partner, then it has to be considered. If it is an irrational dislike, it has to be considered. The choice is never your partner's though, but yours.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

Words have meaning...

There are friends, and then, there are acquaintances.

the term friend is way overused.

a man (or woman) that over a life time finds 5-6 friends should consider themselves very lucky.

a friend is never an adversary to a good marriage, but will be a help in a bad.

I have 4 friends... all that I known since childhood, and I am very fortunate....

I would never give up a friend if my spouse asked. A good spouse would never ask anyway.


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