# My husband is a frequent porn watcher. How do I get more than vanilla sex in the bedr



## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

So my husband watches porn a lot. He does it a lot when I am not home. Which I am fine, with as long as he doesn't watch when I am home since I am there to please him, I watch it too when he isn't there to take care of my needs. Here is my dilemma we have very vanilla sex, the basics I get him ready, lube up and go through the motion. I have told him I am up for anything all he has to do is start and I will follow lead or ask. We have married for 5 years and he is 14 years older than me. He is in his 40's I am still in my 20's still very much into having sex at the drop the pants (literally). We were very sexual in the first three years of our relationship and then it just seemed to switch. We stopped doing more than the sex part, for example kissing we don't do it anymore, no foreplay at all, we are stuck on about 4 positions. When I bring up that I want more I want him to do things to me that he watches, he says that's only a fantasy. What I don't get is when you have a wife who is willing to fulfill your fantasy why not act on it. So tell me guys what can I do to get more from him.
Additional Details
I have tried to watch porn with him and he gets really uncomfortable. If I bring it up it starts a fight. 

If I try to take the lead in the bedroom, even something as small as trying to kiss while we are in the middle of it he completely stops and says no.

I have a drawer full of victoria secret outfits and fredrick of hollywood. I have dressed up for him. Since he is older he even likes the stockings with strap outfits that were popular in the eighties. I have dressed up for him and still nothing.


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## Bamaman (Aug 21, 2013)

First, I would KILL to have a woman like you. That aside, it sounds to me like he enjoys watching the "naughty girls", but doesn't want his wife to act like them. He definitely has emotional intimacy issues.

I almost hate to bring this up, but are you sure he is not watching the porn to look at the guys? Perhaps he has gay tendencies or needs?


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Bamaman said:


> First, I would KILL to have a woman like you. That aside, it sounds to me like he enjoys watching the "naughty girls", but doesn't want his wife to act like them. He definitely has emotional intimacy issues.
> 
> I almost hate to bring this up, but are you sure he is not watching the porn to look at the guys? Perhaps he has gay tendencies or needs?


Well I can't say that he doesn't look at the guys having sex but it is definitely with a woman or two woman or two guys and a woman. When I told him I wanted a threesome he said not with another guy. I told him of course it would be another woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Charmed86 said:


> Well I can't say that he doesn't look at the guys having sex but it is definitely with a woman or two woman or two guys and a woman. When I told him I wanted a threesome he said not with another guy. I told him of course it would be another woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also funny u should say u would kill to have a girl like me. He said the same thing before we started dating. And for a while we were Hot and around year three we weren't
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

I too have NO idea what's wrong with your hubby. His behavior is so abnormal I have no concept of what's going on in his mind. A younger wife who's willing to dress up in all sorts of lingerie, watch porn with you, and apparently wants to act like a porn star, and he's NOT interested? Geebus... are you sure he's human? :scratchhead:

It sounds like you've gone above and beyond the call of duty, your situation doesn't make any sense at all - definitely time for him to see a counselor. Good luck and please... try to spread your influence to women everywhere!


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## Bamaman (Aug 21, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> Also funny u should say u would kill to have a girl like me. He said the same thing before we started dating. And for a while we were Hot and around year three we weren't
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course, it's "normal" in a marriage, over time, for the frequency to perhaps decrease a bit. There are ups and downs (no pun intended). From your response, it doesn't sound like he has any gay tendencies, but he's definitely got some emotional intimacy issues...like no foreplay, kissing, etc. The whole point of sex with your wife is the emotional connection it maintains, at least to most men. And touching, kissing, and "playing" is all part of that connection. Not to say that sometimes it's not OK just to want a quickie in the kitchen or something, but I prefer a more intimate connection. Has he ever considered seeing a therapist?


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Don't even get started on counseling I have brought it up numerous times only to get *****ed out. Hey will say we don't have money for that and there is nothing wrong. Don't I understand he is 40 years old and his job is really stressful. But isn't that a good reason to have sex because it is a stress reliever

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Don't even get started on counseling. I have brought this up a couple of times in the past few years and each time he gets really upset. A) we can't afford that. B) he is 40 years old C) his job his really stressful (he works in a department store). If his job is so stressful isn't it good to have sex because isn't sex a stress reliever?


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## Bamaman (Aug 21, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> Don't even get started on counseling. I have brought this up a couple of times in the past few years and each time he gets really upset. A) we can't afford that. B) he is 40 years old C) his job his really stressful (he works in a department store). If his job is so stressful isn't it good to have sex because isn't sex a stress reliever?


If he has company provided health insurance, many times there is at least SOME coverage of mental health needs. Job stress can cause all kinds of issues, but typically it would be a complete lack of desire, not what you have described. I mean, if you kiss him during the act and he wants to stop things, that's just not normal behavior. Kissing is a huge turn on, unless it's done badly.

So, when he watches the porn, does he get himself off or does he just enjoy the voyeurism? I can only watch so much of that stuff and it gets repetitive and boring...of course, if your wife is watching with you, then it can be a huge turn on unless he feels it's competition.

And yes, sex can be very relaxing and releases all kinds of good chemicals in your body to make you feel better mentally and physically.

A lot of folks still have a thing about seeing a therapist, like it's a sign of weakness or something, instead of it being the same as having a bad cold and needing to see the doctor. Not speaking for him, but denial of a problem generally means the person is aware, on some level, that there IS a problem, but just won't face it or do anything about it. He needs to consider what the cost will be for him long term if he does NOT listen to what you are saying and be willing to at least attempt to "fix" it.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Oh my husband is definitely pleasing himself when he watched porn. So much that if I even try to initiate sex that same day he either can't get it up or he can't finish

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Oh he is definitely pleasing himself when he watches it. So much so that if I even try to initiate anything on the same day he either can't get it up or can't finish.


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## Bamaman (Aug 21, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> Oh he is definitely pleasing himself when he watches it. So much so that if I even try to initiate anything on the same day he either can't get it up or can't finish.



OK...THAT is a problem. If he does not think it's a problem that he has a wife in the same house who is willing and able to do the things to please him, but prefers to watch that and masturbate, he has some real issues with connecting emotionally. If he does not recognize that, and will not talk with you about it and address YOUR needs, he is, at the very least, being selfish.

He needs some help, but you can't drag him to a counselor...it's like any other addiction, the first step is to admit to yourself that you have a problem.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Seems like he has built up some sort of wall about this.Like he suddenly became fearful of being vulnerable like this with you.It takes a lot of vulnerability to be outside the box sexually speaking. Somewhere along the line he lost that ability with you.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

At first when we went from having sex every day to four times a week. I flat out asked him if he was having sex with someone else. I mean with our schedules he would completely have opportunity and a place to do it while I am at work. I believed him when he said he wasn't having sex with anyone else. A little while later we started having sex only three times a week. And then it went to two and that's where we have been since August of 2013. In August I bought Nanny cams because I was starting to have serious doubts that he was being faithful to me. I mean we used to have amazing sex everyday and then the amount dwindled and then the quality of dwindled. So far he has only pleased himself which is how I know how often he is. Plus I think it is a turn on to watch him do it not that he would actually let me watch him in person.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I guess you could print this all out and let him read it.

Here in my contribution:

Mr. Charmed86,
You are not behaving in a normal way. What is your problem?

Most of us here wish we had a wife like yours. Certainly I can understand age and stress reducing a persons libido but replacing real sex with your wife with porn? 

Dude that is just crazy.

So what is the deal? 
You have some sort of fetish you can't talk about or are you just a lazy and selfish ass in bed? 

Please enlighten us.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe the porn is causing him to have trouble functioning with a real woman?
Porn allows people to be selfish because there's no one else to please, and it can definitely interfere with emotional intimacy. I think you should give him a card for a counselor and a divorce lawyer, and tell him you will be visiting one of them. You are way too young to settle for this; my husband is 19 years older than me (he's 58) and he still rips my clothes off, so it's not the age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I guess you could print this all out and let him read it.
> 
> Here in my contribution:
> 
> ...


Great idea.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe the porn is causing him to have trouble functioning with a real woman?
> Porn allows people to be selfish because there's no one else to please, and it can definitely interfere with emotional intimacy. I think you should give him a card for a counselor and a divorce lawyer, and tell him you will be visiting one of them. You are way too young to settle for this; my husband is 19 years older than me (he's 58) and he still rips my clothes off, so it's not the age.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is good to know. I told him if he needed pills I would go with him to the doctor but he has not trouble when he is with himself. We are each in our second marriage he and his wife divorced 10 years before him and I got together. So he had 10 years of just pleasing himself but after 7 years with me I would he would rather please me.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

I shouldn't feel bad for wanting this, right? He should be flattered that after 7 years I still want him this badly, right?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the porn has got to go.

make a rule that you can only watch it together.

JMHO


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> What I don't get is when you have a wife who is willing to fulfill your fantasy why not act on it. So tell me guys what can I do to get more from him.
> Additional Details
> I have tried to watch porn with him and he gets really uncomfortable. If I bring it up it starts a fight.



OMG!!! As other men said here, if you are for real then I would also kill to have wife with an attitude like yours. What a waste... :banghead:

OK, he's a lot older than you so you should have expected mismatched libidos over time. However, that still doesn't explain his [email protected] off to porn but ignoring you.

What is your physical status? Have either of you gained a lot of weight or otherwise greatly changed your appearance over the last few years?


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

Theseus said:


> OMG!!! As other men said here, if you are for real then I would also kill to have wife with an attitude like yours. What a waste... :banghead:
> 
> OK, he's a lot older than you so you should have expected mismatched libidos over time. However, that still doesn't explain his [email protected] off to porn but ignoring you.
> 
> What is your physical status? Have either of you gained a lot of weight or otherwise greatly changed your appearance over the last few years?


I am twenty seven years old almost 28. I met my husband when I was 21. I was going through a divorce, I married my high sweet heart two weeks after I turned 18 I had a just two year old son when I met my husband. When we met I had strawberry blonde hair weighed about 102 lbs 34B cup breast. We had a son 1 year later coming out of hospital I was 119 lbs with a 34C cup. I lost the weight quickly and was back to around 105 and back to a 34b cup and have stayed there for the past 5 years. My husband admitted about three years ago he really liked brunettes well I was a natural brunette I had been my hair blonde since I was a teenager so I found my natural hair shade dye and dyed it and haven't died it since staying a brunette. So I am not a heavy person I am thin and I look good for a mom with 2 kids, most people can't believe I have two kids by the way my body looks. 

Now for my husband I met him when he was 35. He weighed about 150 lbs. Since we have been together in those 7 years he has gained at least 100lbs and is close to 250. And yeah I still want to jump his bones as much as ever. He didn't have kids with his ex wife and didn't have to pay alimony so I have never even met her.


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

In my eyes Porn is perfectly okay IF it isn't negatively affecting sex with the spouse. It kind of sounds like he has an addiction and I agree with the no porn unless it is together thought. he might not think it is a problem but it certainly sounds like it is in your eyes. 

with regards to him not wanting to do MC if I were you I would just find a MC that you like and start going on your own. One of two things will happen they will help you solve the issue with your husband or help prepare you to move on with out him.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> Now for my husband I met him when he was 35. He weighed about 150 lbs. Since we have been together in those 7 years he has gained at least 100lbs and is close to 250.


Weight gain has a huge effect on libido. 100 pounds is a hell of an extra burden to carry. He might be using porn simply because it's easier than maintaining an erection with you. Encourage him to lose that weight because otherwise its just going to increase over time.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Agreed, 
Getting him fit will go a long way.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

So I had the "Lovely" discussion with my husband yesterday and to say it did not go well is an understatement. So I will give you the blunt version of our argument. "It's his di** he can touch his di** when he wants to and I am a controlling bi*** for not letting him do that. He does not have an addiction to porn he "watches it" maybe 1 to two time a month which its more like 3-4 times a week. He doesn't feel that our sex life is vanilla at all. There is nothing I can do to change how he behaves or to improve our sex, he is 41 years old there is no changing him now he is set in his ways. And now that I brought it up he doesn't want to touch me at all."


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Very normal for people to be defensive at first and lie about their behavior.

Give him some time to think about it (maybe a month or so) and then try again. It is a long slow process to get people to change their behavior. Make sure you do not make him feel degraded. 

Also maybe try to come up with your own new things to try. Pretend you two are making a porn movie and you are the writer/director but work it out like the day before sex and not right before or during. Some people are not good with spur of the moment. 

just an idea.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> That is good to know. I told him if he needed pills I would go with him to the doctor but he has not trouble when he is with himself. We are each in our second marriage he and his wife divorced 10 years before him and I got together. So he had 10 years of just pleasing himself but after 7 years with me I would he would rather please me.


I used to have a problem with porn. And from what you say he is watching it way more than he admits. Heavy use of porn will cause erection problems when trying to get aroused with out the use of porn. I would be surprised if he blames this on you saying you don't turn him on. The truth is that no flesh and blood woman can. The deeper he gets the worse the problem will get. 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know my porn usage causes my wife a lot of pain before I kicked it. 

For more info check out www.yourbrainonporn.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Tell him to get his **** together within a time frame or leave him. He is acting like a child.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Well, I'm sure the root issue, at least sexually, is that he finds you threatening to his masculinity. 

Your willingness, while you can see is what many men would kill for, is, at least at the moment, a big turn-off to your husband.

But many of these men who would love it have cold wives. So, if your Ice Queen, ever-on-her- pedestal lady, suddenly warms and validates you sexually by desiring you utterly, you're going to feel like a million bucks.

But if your ever 'hot-to-trot' wife has always pressed for sex and continues pressing for sex...the long-term outcome is less certain.

Ideally, that should be and remain an always great reality.

But that's ideally...


Other things can happen too.

At present, you being the sexual aggressor, and your desire for adventure is not attracting him; it's annoying him

And here are a couple cold questions you should ask yourself:

_At this moment, do you think you love your husband more than he loves you? _

_Is he kind and affectionate to you outside of sex? Does he like to talk to you? or does he always seem to have an easy-trigger to send vibes of irritation and annoyance your way?_

The not kissing thing is a BAD sign. Always.

And it's a good barometer of relationship health.

If you could elaborate further on your daily interactions and how he seems to 'feel' in your general presence. And also list, any other things you argue about and who starts those spats...that would probably be helpful in order to see the bigger picture of what's going on here and what should be done about it.


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

The last thing an addict wants is to be called an addict. And no addict will ever get help and change unless they sincerely want to in there own mind. You can't force him it will only drive him further away. 

Work on improving your life and making yourself happy outside of the marriage. One of two things will happen he will notice and decide he wants to change and be apart of your new better life. Or he won't and you will need to decide if you want to stay or leave. If you choose leave then you will already have a happy and independent life to live.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Get him checked for Testosterone levels
Get testes and prostate checked by Doctor
Why not try some Viagra or Cialis?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

IndiaInk said:


> Well, I'm sure the root issue, at least sexually, is that he finds you threatening to his masculinity.
> 
> Your willingness, while you can see is what many men would kill for, is, at least at the moment, a big turn-off to your husband.
> 
> ...


Good questions. I liked your post.

How was the result from your nanny cam? Any luck?

It does sound as if he has other love interest..and he's studying what he would try with new lover(s)? It's not a very pleasant situation to be in. hope you'll get to the bottom of the problem soon.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

IndiaInk said:


> Well, I'm sure the root issue, at least sexually, is that he finds you threatening to his masculinity.
> 
> Your willingness, while you can see is what many men would kill for, is, at least at the moment, a big turn-off to your husband.
> 
> ...


No doubt about I definitely love my husband more than he loves me. With anything all he has to do is ask and he receives. Be it rub his belly and snuggle or get him something to eat from the kitchen. If I say no he knows my trigger is takes away sex. For example last night he was off, we have a very complicated schedule for time he works 2nd shift I work 1st. So when he is off I like to spend as much time as I can with him. So yesterday he watched our 5 year old from 11:30 till 5:30 when I got home. He was tired so I let him take a nap. While he was sleeping I made supper. I woke him up at 7 with dinner. After he ate he stayed in bed on his phone all night. I got the boys ready for bed and when I was done I grabbed my ipad and laid in bed with him. He snuggled for a little bit and asked me to rub his belly. I rubbed his belly for about 5 minutes. I then turned on my Ipad. He says keep rubbing or no sex. So I rub for 5 more minutes. As the 5 minutes went on i started to rub lower and he said not my di** my stomach. I said the boys are asleep let's have sex. No he says and turns over and says rub my back. I rubbed it for a little bit and then stop, he says rub or no sex. I rub it for a little while longer and he finally lets me stop. He then continues to lay on the bed on his phone and me on my ipad. 

This is a normal night for his day off. He will go to sleep when I get home and wait till I put the boys to bed to spend time with me or even come out of the bedroom. He already knows he controls when we have sex and does use it. 

Later: 
As I am getting ready for bed, I shower and put on a nightie slip and start rubbing him. We do have sex me on top, after a while he says he isn't going to be able to finish. Not even close to being done my self I turned around knowing he always finishes that way. 


To answer some of your other questions:
Is he kind and affectionate to you outside of sex? 

He can be it all depends what kind of mood he is in. He likes to snuggle.

Does he like to talk to you?
Depends on what we talk about. If we get on the subject of anything I want or how I feel it could lead into an argument.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

I'm in the same situation kinda. Only sometimes does my husband do the "not so vanilla" things, but then he is usually very awkward after. I hope it turns out better for you, as for me, I've given up lol. I didn't read the whole thread, but maybe talk to him about it? Although I will admit, I could never bring myself to actually talk about it lol


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

poppyseed said:


> Good questions. I liked your post.
> 
> How was the result from your nanny cam? Any luck?
> 
> It does sound as if he has other love interest..and he's studying what he would try with new lover(s)? It's not a very pleasant situation to be in. hope you'll get to the bottom of the problem soon.


Thank-you Poppyseed.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

*Sigh* 

Yeah, that’s what I figured. 

Alright, I’m just going to give you some of my personal brutal truths about the human condition and the nature of attraction. And you can do with this what you will:

We (humans), sorta suck in a lot of ways, and never is that clearer than in a sexless relationship dynamic.

At heart, the problem stems from the way human beings love one another:
*
We do not love other people; we love ourselves through other people.
*

In every single relationship we have this is true.

_Why does a mom love it when her daughter wins the starring role in a school play, but feel jealous of her friend’s daughter if she wins it?_

_It’s because the mom can love herself, and feel good about herself, only through her own daughter, who is an extension of her. The triumphs of her friend’s daughter are extensions of her friend’s triumphs.
_
(Fortunately, it’s very easy to love oneself through one’s children, so those relationships are usually iron-tight.)

_______________________________________________

Sadly, romantic relationships are very fickle because they are based on attraction.

You can only love yourself, and feel good about yourself through someone romantically if you feel lucky to have them.

In your case, because you feel lucky to have your husband, he simultaneously, doesn’t feel lucky to have you. Because he’s not lucky. 

He is the giver of approval in the marriage. You are the seeker.

*And please really think about what I’m about to write. Cause I think you have to sort of ‘feel’ this concept to really understand it.
*

How would you feel about yourself if he were to wrap you in his arms and ravish you like he completely craved you? Imagine how you would feel in your head as he did this to you?

This is something you’re longing for (his desire) but don’t have---so of course, you would feel tremendous approval of yourself. You could feel your own love for yourself.

But now reverse it, ( *and THIS is what I’m really hoping you can feel*) 

Imagine yourself in his place. Imagine yourself as him

You are ravishing him...

How is he feeling in his head as you do his?---It’s not at all the same as what you’d feel in your head is it?

_Can you feel how the same energy that makes his approval of you so valuable to yourself…simultaneously kills the possibility for him to get that same ‘ego boost’ and love of self that you can get through him?_

So the dreadful irony and catch-22 of all of this is: that the more you love him, and do things for him in order to chase his love, the less and less he can ever care about your love for him.

This is so messed up!!! I hate it. And to some extent, I wonder how much people can really do about it…

I mean, the advice itself is simple and boils down to: 

_Force yourself to act as indifferently, uncaring and unmotivated to please him as he acts to please you. There’s a chance this still may not work, but I'm morally certain it is the ONLY chance you would have of sparking his attraction for you. There’s not a single alternative way in which to spark his attraction_.

The more troubling reality of all this is that in our sick, self-punishing way…*we often need people to disapprove of us to be attracted to them at all.* 

I doubt you’d be nearly as interested in seeking your husband’s desire if you’d married a man who loved you far, far more than you loved him and followed you around like a puppy-dog.

Women are attracted to men who seem powerful to them, and his indifference for you feels very powerful and thus, even as it hurts you, it drives your attraction…

The real answer is that you have to feel your own love for yourself, you have to want to seek your own approval of yourself solely through your own Self. No one else’s.

But I'll confess, I have absolutely no clue how one manages to do this…I’m trying to figure it out myself.

____________________________________________

Hmm...I thing this is the best thing I've got to maybe help do this:



Charmed86 said:


> Later:
> As I am getting ready for bed, I shower and put on a nightie slip and start rubbing him. We do have sex me on top, after a while he says he isn't going to be able to finish. Not even close to being done my self * I turned around knowing he always finishes that way. *


This really stung me to read. You have to turn around so you're not facing him so that he can finish? Why, so it's easier for him to picture someone other than yourself on top of him?

Do you not care about that? Do you think you're worth so little that your face, your breasts, your body, deserves to be turned away from the man you love?

Imagine you had a daughter and her husband did this to her (and had this similar relationship dynamic with her in general). How would you feel for her? What would you want her to do? Would she deserve to be undesirable?

If , for an imagined, beloved daughter, you can think "no, of course she shouldn't be treated that way"...it's because you would already deeply love your daughter. You wouldn't needs her husbands love and approval of her to have for her yourself.

That's how you need to feel about YOU. Hard to do though.

Good luck!!


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> *Sigh*
> 
> Yeah, that’s what I figured.
> 
> ...


Horsehockey, plain and simple....

Your husband got fat. He's got a real self-image problem. You have to get past this problem.

Get a scale, one that reads kilograms. Start a diet/exercise regimen for you BOTH. True, you don't need it, but he does. Try an Atkins, or a Dukan, or some other diet for rapid weight loss - the rapid is to boost his self esteem. Work with it...

When you can say to him "You're less than 100 (kilos)", things will start to come together. He'll feel better (sexier, for you), and will probably start to "come around" to where you're at.

You can fix this, and you'll both come out on top. Just try.

Just to add... competition brings results. Can you say that someone has been "approaching" you? You would be surprised at the conscious, as well as sub/unconscious mind can construct from such a statement, if put into somewhat oblique terms - especially one used to cues from porn...

You can fix this, it will just take some work.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

The way you quoted me was poor-form..

I'm pretty sure everything I wrote is extremely accurate 'in general' regarding the nature of human relationships...and because I'm so sure, I'd actually really like for it to be challenged...that's the best way for me to be sure I'm not overlooking something.

You didn't do that.

I'm not bothered by it, I just think it's rather immature and a weak way to argue.

Regardless, I'll admit, I somehow had missed that part about him gaining weight. So what I wrote might NOT be applicable in the OP's case.

For sure, it could be a self-image problem.

My questions for the OP to try to see if that's the issue would be:

Firstly, do you think that that's the problem? Do you think he doesn't feel attractive?

Does he try to hide his body from you or complain about it often?

Did his drop-off in sexual desire correlate with his weight gain?

_____________________________________________________

I do find the fact that he likes for her to rub his belly and back puzzling if this is just a body image problem though.









HuggyBear said:


> Horsehockey, plain and simple....
> 
> Your husband got fat. He's got a real self-image problem. You have to get past this problem.
> 
> ...


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## chugbottle (Feb 21, 2014)

Charmed, I'm new here and I am in the same boat as you are. So much so that it's kinda creepy especially the parts where he calls the shots when we're gonna have sex and he always makes me turn around too 100% of the time so he can finish. A couple of times he didn't ask me to but he covered my face with a shirt or towel, can't remember. He has a porn addiction that he won't ever accept and acknowledge that it's causing me so much pain. If he feels like j***ing off on a day that he knows I'm gonna want lovin, he will without thinking twice about it. If there's something bothering me that involves him, it turns into a fight and becomes entirely my fault. I get punished by him holding out on sex. Beating off to porn is an event he looks forward to, every chance he can get me out of the house, he's sure to do it. I would dress naughty for him but he gets turned off and has no interest whatsoever. But he would fight me to the end that the reason why he goes to Tilted Kilt is because the food is good. I love him dearly that I look forward to intimate moments with him and I would be more than happy to be his b**ch yet I find out he registered to The Erotic Review. 

We've only been together 2.5yrs, married for 4 months. My second, his first. Not quite sure what to do either. I'm a 41 yr old wife (still bangin if i may say so) longing for her husband. You're so much younger, with so much ahead of you. Hope you find someone who will kill for the kind of love you and I can give.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bamaman (Aug 21, 2013)

I'm sorry, but I do NOT see these issues as being at all related to his gaining weight. If that were true, he would not be able to satisfy himself while watching the porn. When he watches the porn, he is in TOTAL control, does not have to concern himself with meeting the needs of anyone else, and can be totally self absorbed. 

His getting upset over your talk about his addiction is a sure sign that he has a serious problem to address, IF he wants to remain with a real, live, passionate woman. I would hope that you are mature enough not to play the game of "he's indifferent, so it makes me want him more". All that is pure BS and two people who love each other should not have to resort to that kind of gamesmanship. If you were doing some role playing thing FOR sex, that would be different. But that is not the case.

IMO, this is all about control...he controls how and when he has sex, and he controls you to the point of making you do belly rubs or whatever as a condition for sexual relations with a live human being. If he told me that if you do not rub his belly or back you would get no sex, I'd tell him to go f#[email protected] himself.

This man has an addiction and refuses to admit it. Until he does so, he will never acknowledge that his actions are causing harm to your marriage and relationship in general. Nor will he seek treatment or counseling for his problem. It's easy for someone outside the situation to tell you that you must make a decision as to whether this life is a good one for you or not. He is not even aware of the fact that you are primed for an affair due to his unwillingness to fulfill both your emotional needs and your physical ones. Personally, I would seek counseling for myself in order to get my head screwed on straight and figure out what you want to do with this situation and with the rest of your life. There are plenty of men out there who would kill for a woman who wanted the emotional intimacy that you desire. I would be one of them, as I am currently in a sexless marriage (it's been 57 days since I've had sex with my wife), and I am seeking individual counseling to get my head on straight and decide what to do if things do not change. Then I can make a rational decision about whether I will accept things the way they are or, as much as it may hurt, move forward with my life and find someone who appreciates a husband who enjoys sex and the emotional bond it creates and maintains. Make no mistake about it, sex for a man is NOT just a physical thing, it is an emotional connection as well. And a picture on a TV screen does not meet those needs for a normal person. It can be fun on occasion, but it should be fun for both of you...for me, it would make the real sex even hotter and more enjoyable at times.

Until something wakes his ass up, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel for you and hope things work out the way you decide you want them to.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

You are really messed up. 




IndiaInk said:


> We do not love other people; we love ourselves through other people.
> 
> *Only insecure people love themselves through those around them. *
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You know if the genders were reversed here you'd immediately be told that you're doing way too much for him, you're a doormat that he's taking for granted, and he doesn't respect you. This relationship is way too unbalanced too be healthy, and the one that has all the power is using it to his advantage. Maybe you should stop doing things for him if your needs don't matter to him; take some of your power back.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"You know if the genders were reversed..."

I do not think genders makes any difference. 
Most people on this forum would tell anyone in her situation that they are doing too much.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> You are really messed up.


Neat.

Thanks.

Firstly, the part you conveniently didn't quote:

"_Alright, I’m just going to give you some of* my personal brutal truths *about the human condition and the nature of attraction. And *you can do with this what you will*:_"

As clearly stated at the outset, this is one of MY relationship philosophies. I think this stuff is profoundly true but many are often unable to recognize it.

Secondly, this philosophy ABSOLUTELY concerns an UNHEALTHY relationship dynamic.

I think the OP's relationship is very unhealthy.

Accordingly, this philosophy explains why _*me, myself and I *_BELIEVE she's in this dynamic.

_Get it now?_


Thirdly,


"_We do not love other people; we love ourselves through other people._"

I think is incredibly true for the vast, vast majority of people (99.9% of people---I AM NOT even going to try to get you to believe this though---that would be a hopeless endeavor---so telling me you disagree is expected...and perfectly fine ).

It doesn't necessarily manifest in unhealthy ways though. And if it hasn't manifested in one's relationship in an unhealthy way, or if one is just unable to realize that it's the underlying principle at work, then it can be a shocking thing for some people to read.

I realize that, and so, whenever I've posted it (I have written on this IMPORTANT concept before), I recognize that this is invariably something you get or you don't. I don't think you "get it" and I can't do anything about that and I certainly have no interest in trying.

_
"Have you considered that the stimulation may be a bit different in that position or that he may have an anal fetish or simply likes the view? Men who watch porn get hooked on visual stimulation." _


Cool. That's the conclusion you reached upon reading this.

The OP has a husband who doesn't love her as much as she loves him, possesses the bulk of their relationships' power, treats her poorly, won't kiss her, begrudgingly sleeps with her and gets defensive in bed very easily. 

Given this, I've reached a different conclusion. Why should that bother you?

_"Imagine you had a daughter and her husband did this to her (and had this similar relationship dynamic with her in general). How would you feel for her? What would you want her to do? Would she deserve to be undesirable?

That is a sick thought. "
_

No kidding. That's the WHOLE point.Sometimes people don't even question how poor and disrespectful their relationship dynamic is because they take it for granted that they should be lucky to be with their partner and grateful for what that partner gives them--- however little that may be.

BUT---sometimes trying to imagine someone else they love in a similar unhappy dynamic (e.g. their daughter, sister or friend)...and can help them finally "feel how wrong" their spouses treatment of them is...


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

My husband watches porn or video sex sites when I'm out of the house. It drives me mad as we get on well in everything except we don't talk about what matters and aren't close. 

I do everything I can for him and he said stop trying so since I've stopped trying we haven't had sex, about two months now.

I know he cares about me but cares more about his porn, I think. He knows how it bothers me but we don't talk about it anymore as it leads to arguments.

So I am really stressed out when I go out to work before him wondering what he's doing. It saddens me. I did say i didn't want to share him with porn on internet sites and he said consider it done, but he has been on them since just getting more secretive.

I'm unsure what yo do next, I got save the marriage downloaded, I've not completed it yet but I think I may be trying too hard and need to take a step away. Any thoughts please.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

Bamaman said:


> When he watches the porn, he is in TOTAL control


Really? He got married because he finally met a woman who'd fit into his porn lair [sarc]? May I suggest this guy is not in control? Maybe its the weight, the job, etc., but not recognizing, or worse, deliberately ignoring a spouse to go carve your own sexual path is a no-no. Intimacy gets killed. That compartment in your head, that listens, hears, etc. goes cold. 

Woman discovering their men surfing porn need to stay away from rules and ultimatums, as much as possible, and instead (assuming its not ok w/them) shift into team mode and begin to communicate about what porn means to him. I bet more guys resist the idea of appearing out of control, more than they do see their activity as constructive. If a guy defends the first, and doesn't want the input from the person he likely feels guilty over, you are actually further along than the guy who verbalizes wanting porn instead of his mate. If he prefers it, not by ending up in front of the computer, but by telling you to your face, you have a real problem.

Just my opinion, but woman take porn too personally, and I certainly understand why. The problem, however, can come down to low energy levels, and the ease of apathetically clicking a mouse, instead of keeping up the investment in a relationship, one's health, or other obligations. I think the "escape" turns it into a compulsion, not so much "this body is better than that".

Charmed86, I too envy the casual eroticism you bring to your relationship, but if porn has become compulsive it has to go for a while. Otherwise, prepare to invest in yourself and evaluate your options.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Rosey said:


> My husband watches porn or video sex sites when I'm out of the house. It drives me mad as we get on well in everything except we don't talk about what matters and aren't close.


Rosey

You never know he might be cheating as well as watching porn secretly - men who watch porn may be mentally lusting after different types of women (small, big, slim, fat, different ethnic groups etc) and possibly, rehearsing what he's going to do with real people / call girls etc. I doubt "you" are part of his mental masturbation. 

If he's not really close to you and you don't talk about these issues then you are only a nice roommate who brings healthy incomes to him or to his household. If your husband prefers porn than you then - you'll know where you stand.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

poppyseed said:


> Rosey
> 
> You never know he might be cheating as well as watching porn secretly - men who watch porn may be mentally lusting after different types of women (small, big, slim, fat, different ethnic groups etc) and possibly, rehearsing what he's going to do with real people / call girls etc. I doubt "you" are part of his mental masturbation.
> 
> If he's not really close to you and you don't talk about these issues then you are only a nice roommate who brings healthy incomes to him or to his household. If your husband prefers porn than you then - you'll know where you stand.


Yes that's what I feel like his pal roommate. I'm not sure what to do next. He won't come to marriage councillor with me. He says we shouldn't have to try at being married it should be natural.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sounds like another porn problem and a guy who does not like sex all that much. The only way to handle people like this is to force them to change. 

Give them some time, do not expect someone to recognize their own problems and change over night but also do not let the problem just slide on forever. Even people who say they love you can take advantage of you and try to suit themselves.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Rosey said:


> Yes that's what I feel like his pal roommate. I'm not sure what to do next. He won't come to marriage councillor with me. He says we shouldn't have to try at being married it should be natural.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like he has no respect for you. It is sad that some men would treat women this way. Your h is selfish and quite frankly, quite lazy not making efforts whilst he's happy so long as you stay quiet letting him do as he pleases. What's next? I wouldn't be a doormat if I were you to be frank.. he's not acting like a husband and you know it and you are hurting..that's not good...!


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Home | Fight The New Drug


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Rosey, deep down you already know what to do.

You know where the whole process has to start.

You just don't want to do it.

I'm going to translate your post for you:



_My husband watches porn or video sex sites when I'm out of the house. It drives me mad as we get on well in everything except we don't talk about what matters and aren't close. 

*
My husband does something that causes me great pain on a regular basis. We have no meaningful connection and never talk about anything important. And I am okay with this.*

I do everything I can for him and he said stop trying so since I've stopped trying we haven't had sex, about two months now. _

*I love him more than he loves me. But I really want him to love me, I really want him to desire me. That's the only way I know how to feel good about myself.*

_
I know he cares about me but cares more about his porn, I think. He knows how it bothers me but we don't talk about it anymore as it leads to arguments._

*My husband loves pornography more than he loves me-so he won't stop. And I 'love' my husband more than I hate the pain his porn use causes-so I don't make him--or leave him.
*


_
So I am really stressed out when I go out to work before him wondering what he's doing. It saddens me. I did say i didn't want to share him with porn on internet sites and he said consider it done, but he has been on them since just getting more secretive.

*This tortures me everyday. It makes me feel awful. And I am okay this.*

I'm unsure what yo do next, I got save the marriage downloaded, I've not completed it yet but I think I may be trying too hard and need to take a step away. Any thoughts please._

*I say I'm unsure of what to do next, but that's not actually true. Deep down, I know exactly what I have to do. I know my only hope for changing him is to say "quit this habit" or I'm leaving this marriage...*

*The problem is, I have a feeling he'll pick his porn over me. And I don't want to risk this *

*At the end of the day, I know that I am my biggest problem. I know that I have to change myself if I ever want this situation to change. And that feels so, so impossible to do.

And, if I'm honest, I probably won't ever do it.*

But this doesn't have to be true!!


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Havent read the posts, so if this has been mentioned, then ignore it. Couple of things
1) Low T - get him checked
2) Hes getting to that age and, well, you are not. There are gonne differences. If you can get him to buy into the fact you are in the prime of your sex life and he is moving out, just nature, then maybe you can have the viagra/cialis talk.
3) The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow - YouTube
if that link doesnt display, just google this:
The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow 

Makes sure much sense it hurts


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## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

His (and yours too) problem is in the porn. He's become an addict and doesn't really need you anymore. The girls there are prettier and better endowed and he probably masturbates heavily. 

Your problem should be how to stop the porn invasion in your home. Husband Cheating With Pornography But this cannot be at once but gradually. If you figure out how, your problems are over.


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## netcruiser72 (Mar 4, 2014)

Interesting. Not normal at all for a healthy man with a good sex drive to be acting this way. Maybe he's experiencing a sudden loss in libido or maybe it's that he is pleasing himself too much, like you say, that when you step into the picture he's no longer in the mood as much. Age difference does make a "difference" as well. I'm 41, wife is 37. I told her a little over 2 years ago, when things began drying up in the bedroom, I told her that I desired a "lady in the streets but a total freak in the sheets"!!! After we had a serious conversation about our sex life she completely opened up in regards to her sexuality. Took her out of her shell. Now I got a porn star! We roleplay alot, one day she's a cougar, a hotwife, you name it! Hope things improve for you!


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

I know its been a while since I posted on my own topic and I wish after reading this and getting all this advice from you guys that I have had a good conversation with my husband and everything is better. Unfortunately not the case. Things are the same if not worse after really telling him how I feel about this. 

So this is what I have learned:
1. My husband cares about me but he does not love me anymore. At least not according to the definition on google. 
2. My husband has not and will not change for me we have been together 7 years. As he says I can not force him to change I should know that by now. 
3. Bringing up how I feel about our relationship in any way that revolves around are sex life will result in a fight and he really doesn't care how I feel about it at all.
4. Bringing up anyway to change how we have sex with result in a fight and there fore take away any chance of me getting sex for a few days.
5. No matter what I do for my appearance nothing will make my husband more attracted to me. 
6. I do love him, I do want to be his wife. I do not see my life without him, but I do feel really cheated that he did all this crazy stuff with his ex wife and refuses to do even a quarter of it with me he says he was younger than and he forgets I am the younger one missing out on the experiences.

I do have one question for the people that have responded. My I told my husband I have been on a marriage blog and I have told him the responses that I have gotten. He said that the people responding are only women who are responding. So for those of who who responded I want a statistic. How many of you are women and how many of you are men? 

So after all that has been said and believe me I have read each and everyone of your posts and really thought about what each of you has had to say. I brought up points to my husband and it only ended in really bad arguments. Here is my conclusion I shell out the money and buy a top of the line dildo/vibrator to satisfy my needs and urges, I do what he does and watch a lot of porn and take care of my needs. I feel that if I don't that if another man starts to give me attention and is flirtatious I might just jump him. I know horrible right?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I count 7 women 13 men and one unknown 
(but some are just guesses)

As they say DeNial is not just a river in Egypt. 

Did you two ever watch the movie Jon Don? 

Any guy that would replace a real woman (who by all accounts seems to be an interesting partner) with porn has a real problem.

Maybe you are right and he does not love you more than porn. If that is the case than you will have to decide if that is something you can live with in the long run. But really with 14 years difference in age it is not likely to get any better. 

I remember an episode of Sex In The City where Miranda was dating a porn junkie. He said he had been doing it so long that his favorite performers where like familiar lovers. 

I live with my wife's lower sex drive because she has other good qualities. (though I would probably feel cheated if she was choosing a toy over me) In the end it is still the same thing -which is living with someone who is mismatched sexually.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

If USmarriedguy is correct and 13 men replied and with the responses I got not a single responder sided with my husband on this. Very interesting.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Charmed86 said:


> I know its been a while since I posted on my own topic and I wish after reading this and getting all this advice from you guys that I have had a good conversation with my husband and everything is better. Unfortunately not the case. Things are the same if not worse after really telling him how I feel about this.
> 
> So this is what I have learned:
> 1. My husband cares about me but he does not love me anymore. At least not according to the definition on google.
> ...



Your husband is being an idiot. You are young, understanding, communicative about sex and in good shape. Some of us dream about having a wife with these qualities. I would offer this. Gaining 100lbs is a dramatic physiological change. This will affect his confidence and ultimately his performance in bed. I broke my leg last year and gained 15 lbs because I couldn't exercise. I felt like a different person and it absolutely affected my libido. His frame is suppose to carry 150lbs and now he is *morbidly obese*. Aging will also naturally lower is libido. So I think you may be dealing with a man who has low self esteem and in denial about many things. You are wanting energetic sex from a man who is carrying an extra 100lbs and could not possibly like the way he looks naked. Its much easier for him to use porn both physically and mentally. He doesn't have to exert himself, he doesn't have to face his weight gain and doesn't risk performance anxiety. Even a fit man of his age would have a trouble keeping up with a 28 year old. IMO unless he gets in shape and works on his self esteem this situation can't improve.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> I know its been a while since I posted on my own topic and I wish after reading this and getting all this advice from you guys that I have had a good conversation with my husband and everything is better. Unfortunately not the case. Things are the same if not worse after really telling him how I feel about this.
> 
> So this is what I have learned:
> 1. My husband cares about me but he does not love me anymore. At least not according to the definition on google.
> ...


Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. My husband was very into porn and although I could care less about how much he used it, because I too am a bit on the kinky side and figured it was all in good fun.

Over many years (at the time 19years married) and 2 kids we went to a sexless marriage. He had no desire at all for me, it didn't matter how much I begged or changed my appearance to look sexier, we only got worse. 

I spent my entire 30's unhappy and crying while he meet his own needs. This was not to say he wasn't a loving person, however he snapped his fingers and I ran.

I'm telling you this because I hit 40 and was tired of the rejection, his not having a job and excessive video game playing/porn was his family and I was just this person he would yell at when things didn't go the way he wanted.

My eyes were closed to other male attention up until this point and one day, my eyes were open and my ears were listening and I fell hook line and sinker for a, "your so beautiful" comment.

That was the beginning of my seeking male attention and I would up cheating on my husband by putting out an add in an adult website.

We are still together and going through a very hard reconciliation, he asks why I just didn't ask him to make changes
and why I didn't give him a chance to change instead of cheating on him and in all honesty I could see no way short of leaving him that would make him change.

Now he is doing all the thing I had wished for in the first 21 years of marriage but at what cost? I will always be the one who did him wrong instead of leaving him.

I guess what I'm saying is, you have a hard discussion to make. You have to be willing to leave. If he is like my husband is/was he would say get the f out if you don't like it.

I wish I had instead of stooping to the level I did.


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## Charmed86 (Feb 19, 2014)

I guess the problems in our marriage go way deeper than I thought we are not just having bedroom issues. So tried to talking to my husband again. Worst idea ever. 
Not to be brought up again.

He did not come right out and say this but this is exactly what he is saying:

We are roommates who occasionally have sex with each other but not allowed to sleep with other people. 
He should be allowed to touch his di** when he wants to.
If he would rather play with himself over making love to his wife that is his choice since it's his di**.
I am not allowed to discuss how or when or how much we have sex. 
I am not allowed to discuss how he feels about me.
My opinions and feelings don't matter to him at all.
I don't appreciate that he pays for the rent and the health insurance. Even if I do pay for everything else my job is not as important as his, (so I guess it doesn't matter if we don't have food in the house, electricity and heat, cellphones, cable and internet, or car insurance because my job pays for all that.) 
He is all about what he pays for and that I don't appreciate, love to him is valued in money and what pays out for me. 
He doesn't appreciate that I clean the apartment every day, watch our the kids, feed them, bath them and put them to bed before he even gets home.
He shows more love and attention to our two cats than he does to either me or the kids. 

This is how he sees me for trying to express my feelings.
I feel I am entitled. I am selfish. I am ungrateful. I am manipulative. 

Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me and I still want to stay with him.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Charmed86 said:


> Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me and I still want to stay with him.


That is pretty common. 
Lots of people here who are also putting up with a lot of sh!t to try and make it work and try to keep the family together.

I think that you did real good to be up front and talk to him about it but as they say -You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Sometimes it works but often it does not. Some choose to stick it out and make due others go find a better partner.


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