# HELP! I need your advice, please.



## Saangreale (Sep 9, 2015)

Hi,

*First of all, thank you if you want to spend 7-9 minutes to help me, I just don't know where to find help anymore. I promise I will try to stay as short and as concise as possible.

I am 27 years old male and married to my wife (no kids). We got married when I graduated from college (quite early I know). Long story short, I moved away to her country to live with her leaving my jobs, friends, and family behind. This is why I don't have any friends here to express my feelings and desperation and I do not like talking over the phone to my old friends back home. 

My wife and I have known each other for 7 years. These past few months, I have been thinking of temporary separation (maybe not divorce), but it would be bad for our financial status to live separately. The problem: recently she has been very hostile to me and she has called me various derogatory terms (very inappropriate ones so I do not want to post them). Nonetheless, I have never call her any names even when I'm utterly mad (because I was raised to not use those words ever). We rarely talk now because I am *afraid* of her (afraid that we will end up fighting as she will be very hostile). 4 out of 10 normal conversations, no matter how small, end up in a big fight (where our neighbors could hear her screaming at me). Once, she indirectly hit me as well when she threw stuffs at me.

How do I deal with this? I really, really need help. I like her family and I do not want to hurt her but I feel like I am in a very, very toxic relationship. I feel psychologically *drained* (I have been eating once a day now because how stressed it is and I am less than 100 lbs now). She would also ignore me for days for simply disagreeing or criticizing her even in the most polite way. Now she gets mad at me like once a week (e.g., she once got mad at me for leaving the shoes few inches away from the shoes rack or leaving the kitchen sink wet [doing the dishes is my duty in the house]). Oh and I cannot have any "talk" with her, I have tried this generic solution so many times, I ended up being ignored or screamed at. I just cannot be myself around her anymore. I feel like I am a dead zombie. 

I do not want divorce, but after enduring this for few months I have spent few hours in a not-so-nice-corner of a local hospital (no I am not crazy, I am just very, very stressed and I reasoned with myself and seek help). 

_Thank you for listening, bless your heart for doing so. If You think I am wrong please share it with me, I am willing to get criticized if it can help me and my marriage.
_

-MA


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You now live in northern Europe. May one ask if this once was a communist country. You dont tell us why she has 'recently' become hostile. I dont think I have ever said this in a post before but in your situation this often happens that they usually in the end prefer their own countrymen. So it is more than likely that is the reason for her hostility. Would you say she is trying to get rid of you. You may not want divorce but I doubt she doesnt. I am sorry but you have to realize this will happen in the end.


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## Saangreale (Sep 9, 2015)

No I live in a socialist country but not a communist one, but no I don't believe she prefers her countrymen (she never dated one either) and I don't think political ideology plays any role in her hostile character (she is very apathetic towards any kind of ideologies in general). However, she does have confidence issue. I don't know whether she wants a divorce or not (for now).

Thank you very much for your input and reply, I really appreciate it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saangreale,

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this very bad situation. Hopefully we can help you some here.

This has nothing to so with whether or not women prefer their own countrymen as mates.

What it does have to do with is that your wife is an abusive person. Abusers use anger, harsh words, and even physical violence to control their spouse. Why do they do it? Because it makes them feel good and feel superior. It sounds like the abuse has been escalating. It will continue to escalate.

Does her family know what she is abusive?

You need to get away from her. It's that simple. 

Do you have a job at all? Do you have access to any money?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your relationship w/ your wife has you so anxious that you're unable to eat more than once a day and have lost so much weight that you -- as a 27-year-old male -- weigh less than 100 lbs?

Divorce.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Thanks for coming back and replying. Considering she has only 'recently' become like this and you dont seem to want to tell us why we can only guess.


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## Derikkibak (Sep 9, 2015)

Why she behaved like this recently? Any thing happened for the last several months? I think you should have a long talk with her if you still love her and don't want to divorce. Isolation won't help.


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## Saangreale (Sep 9, 2015)

Thanks for all of your responses, I am reading them and contemplating them seriously. First time I got to share my problem to other people. :smile2:

*@Derikkibank*: I love her yeah but not as much when we first got married of course. Her abusive words have diminished my affection. I don't know why she started to behave this way, it is gradual I'd say. When we first met (early 20s), she was very calm, easy to talk to, and much more understanding. Based on the feedback I got from EleGirl (which I agree), I think that she wants power and control over me. She does not like when her family members criticize her either, she would quickly erupt in anger. Nobody really has pointed out this to me before, but now I kinda see things more clearly.

*@EleGirl*: I think you have given me an insight that I tend to ignore before. I think you were right, she wants to feel powerful. Now I remember (after reading these posts), she used to say that she wanted to be able to control everything in the house (with negative reinforcement as punishment). But, I shrugged it as insignificant that time. Her family does not know, but she is also hostile towards her family if and only if they disagree with her. So now I can focus more on the problem of controlling issue that has gone hostile. If I challenge her "authoritarian" (no matter how small) control, we would end up in a big fight -- 9 out of 10. This is an obstacle for me in finding solution since I cannot have discussion with her without her being hostile at me.

Now, I still want to work this marriage if it's possible. She's an abusive controlling spouse who has becoming more and more hostile each week -- and my family life is surrounded with "my way or no other way" atmosphere. I actually started to avoid her by going to local college, library, etc. because I could not stand being yelled at or treated with her demeaning silent treatment when I told her, for example, "it is better if we separate color and white clothes," and her reaction would be as if I have cheated on her. 

_*Is there a way to change an overly controlling spouse who refuses to be criticized?*_

EDIT: Some of her hostile non-cursing words would be "You are the worst person I've ever met." (probably that is her favorite line when she's mad at me), "Go to hell", "I wish I've never met you." She only says these things and curses _at_ me when she's mad otherwise she's a polite person. In other words, my wife likes to put me down when she's angry. I can't think of other non-cursing words but you guys get the picture of her verbal hostility towards me. Oh lastly, she serves me "silent treatment" often as well sometimes for days and it only ends when I say "I'm sorry" (even when I did not do any mistake but criticizing her).

-MN


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree with Elegirl, you are in an abusive relationship. Do you really think you can work thru this with her? How would you begin to start making changes in her to get her to go therapy?

I think you are never going to be able to get her to change. She has all the power in this relationship and you have none. 

You have to change you. Empower yourself by learning all about abuse and toxic relationships. And how to get yourself free from this situation.

In the meantime, you have got to start taking care of yourself. Make sure you are eating well. Because brother, if you get sick, she is not going to take care of you.


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## Saangreale (Sep 9, 2015)

Thanks for all your kind words. I am new here -- how do I give you guys like for replying to me?

I think you are right @brooklynAnn I am the one who have to change, there is less than 5% chance she will change. I will read more about how to be stronger in a toxic, controlling relationship. If y'all have any advice for me please let me know, I am willing to listen I promise. Thanks for listening, things are much clearer when someone is listening to you.

- MN


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pretty simple:
YOu have no friends there; you are only there for her, and she is slowly destroying you mentally and physically. I suggest you get the money to go back home to your family. Just pack up and leave while she's not around; leave her a note, and solve it when at home and with people who you have support from. You can re-develop your friendships, discover new ones, get a job, and not be so submissive to the next woman. I would not live with a person who I was afraid of. Period. 
good luck,
Evinrude


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

afab said:


> I dont think I have ever said this in a post before but in your situation this often happens that they usually in the end prefer their own countrymen.


I hope you never post that again because it's ridiculous.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you up to reading a book in English? There's a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" that might help you.

She doesn't like you because you have become weak. Women require strong men. The weaker you become, the less she likes you.

Here's a good first step for you to take to reclaim your strength: 

If she raises her voice at you, yells at you, simply leave the room.

That's it. 

Leave the room. She can't yell at you if you're not in the room. When you come back after 20 minutes or so, if she yells again, LEAVE again. 

TEACH her that you will not just stand there and let her yell at you. That shows strength. It will help her respect you. And it will help YOU respect yourself again. And once you start respecting yourself again, it will become easier to make the marriage more even and healthy.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

warshaw said:


> I hope you never post that again because it's ridiculous.


It may sound ridiculous to you but it is certainly happening there only the OP hasn't realized it yet. My words were taken out of context. It wasnt that what you thought, I have never posted before.


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## Saangreale (Sep 9, 2015)

@turnera: Thank you for your practical step, I have started doing it now and she got even madder -- but I persevere to not get yelled at, so far at least. I'll be more stern now and will simply leave if she started to attack me verbally. Unfortunately, so far it would simply increase the hostility as she does not like retaliation of any kind (even from close friends and family members).
@Evinrude58: Thank you for your input, I've tried to contact my old friends through online messaging service and they have been helpful now. I've been trying to make friends here as well but it's quite hard since they speak different language.

Question: What's the best way to deal with silent treatment? I've tried responding by another silent treatment, but usually it ends up days without talking to each other and it's quite bothersome when you need to plan things out together esp. about money, household budget, etc. Is there a way to respond to prolonged silent treatment without uttering the word sorry?

Thank you,

- MN


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If someone is giving me the silent treatment. I would make plans without them. Go shopping, buy food that you can prepare and eat. Pay the bills that needs to be paid now. Spend a lot of time outside the house. Show them that their silence have no power over you. 

Because the "silent treatment" is punishment. You are being punished for your "bad" behavior or not towing the line. 

So go out. Live your life as if she is not in it. You should not have to beg someone to speak to you or be nice to you. Start taking your power back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with BrooklynAnn.

Don't give her the silent treatment. But just get busy doing things that you enjoy. 

You need to get out and make friends. Get busy.

You say that you go to the library at a local college. Can you find things of interest to do? Are there groups on campus? Can you take classes... or volunteer to help out with things on campus or locall


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saangreale said:


> @turnera: Thank you for your practical step, I have started doing it now and she got even madder -- but I persevere to not get yelled at, so far at least. I'll be more stern now and will simply leave if she started to attack me verbally. Unfortunately, so far it would simply increase the hostility as she does not like retaliation of any kind (even from close friends and family members).


Stop being afraid of her anger. Your fear gives her power and control.

Have a talk with her. Tell her that her outbursts, name calling, etc is killing your love for her. So to protect your relationship you will no longer enage in outbursts with her. That from now on, when you can tell she's about to start calling you names, etc, you will use a 'safe word'. The word is "STOP". You will say "STOP"... and then you will leave to another room, go out for a walk, anything to be physically separated. Then for the next hour the two of you can each calm yourselves own while alone. It's her job to calm herself. The two of you can use that time to get your talks together so that you two can talk in a calm manner. 

If she will not listen to you telling her this, write it down and hand it to her in written form. If she start yelling and name calling.. do what you said you'd do.. say "STOP" and leave. 

If you can get a VAR (voice activated recorder), get one. Have it on you when you are around her. Don't let her know that you have it. Get recordings of her being mean, angry and ugly. Then at some point if she denies that she does this, play the recordings back to her. Let her hear what she sounds like. Most people who act like that tend to 'forget' how ugly they acted. It helps them think of themselves in a better light.

There is another good book.. one about anger. "The Dance of Anger". It talks about people who use a lot of anger and their partners/spouses. It's the book where I got the idea of using the "STOP" safe word and not ever engaging in an angry argument.. just walking away. 

I was married to a man who was at least as bad as your wife. I used that with him. It took about 3 months of me doing the "STOP" thing for the angry outbursts to stop. He started doing things, like going for a bike ride, so calm himself down BEFORE even talking to me about things. It worked. 



Saangreale said:


> [ @Evinrude58: Thank you for your input, I've tried to contact my old friends through online messaging service and they have been helpful now. I've been trying to make friends here as well but it's quite hard since they speak different language.


I've lived in countries that spoke languages that I did not. I took classes to learn the language. I get that it can be hard. But you can do it.

There are all kinds of resources on the internet now, you might be able to find an online course.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good point. What are you doing to learn the language?


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

afab said:


> It may sound ridiculous to you but it is certainly happening there only the OP hasn't realized it yet. My words were taken out of context. It wasnt that what you thought, I have never posted before.


Thanks for clarifying.


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