# has anyone refused a chance to reconcile?



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i want to preface this by saying this is in no way to make anyone feel bad they didn't get a similar email. remember every couple is different, so try to understand that i'm not being ungrateful here.

so the other day i emailed stbx the name of a divorce mediator....he said that's funny, he looked at the same one, but had to ask me a question...is there any hope for us?

i frankly was really put off by this. i emailed him i asked you that same question a month ago in front of our mc and you said no and you never loved me...what could have possibly changed in a few weeks? i said i think we're on the right path now and should stay on it.....
.
so he emailed back 'because there was no hope then' and told me he made an appt. with the mediator.

it's just maddening. i mean, he gave up on us. he never liked anything about me, i couldn't do anything right in his eyes (except parent). he didn't even like that i quit drinking 5 years ago, even though he was the one to tell me i should for 15 years. he didn't like that i wasn't big on parties anymore, don't like watersports he loves, didn't dress sexy enough (i'm no slob), wasn't outgoing enough, didn't even like that i watch cartoons...in short he made me feel BAD about being me!! 

this isn't counting the times he was on the road to being unfaithful, using match.com, setting up a 'date' with someone from work to paddleboard, texting secretly to her....(nothing graphic but i'm convinced it would have gotten worse had i not intervened).

it's just irritating that he would say this now, after i've reconciled with our split and told everyone we know of our impending divorce and gotten proper support to heal. i like living alone, i'm happy, i'm meeting all sorts of great people through my acting classes, going to auditions, going out with friends more, having FUN being me. I never want to lose THIS again. but i feel bad in a tiny way that this whole thing is on me now. 

So today is our divorce mediation appointment. i'll let you know how it goes....i just needed to vent and wonder if anyone else knows what i'm talking about?? thanks


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Sounds like he figured out (too late) what he was losing, and you've made a happy life for yourself without him. I look forward to hearing how mediation went.


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah, the ball was put back in your court. Just after it literally was dragged through the mud, crapped all over, deflated, and ruined. Then handed back to you to make the decision after you know in your heart it was already made for you.

My STBXW has tried this twice now.


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

No, but coincidentally, I thought about that last night. If she came to me and wanted to R, would I refuse it?

I came to the conclusion that I would be very, very likely to do so. I don't particularly like, trust or respect her anymore. I certainly don't love her. So, for me to pursue R would be only because of convenience or for the kids (14G and 16B). I don't think it would necessarily be in their best interest at this point for us to R. 

Two months ago, I would have jumped at the chance, but now, I'm pretty sure I would refuse a chance to reconcile.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I wonder if they stbx's do this as they know there is no chance of it but now he can say that he 'tried' and you refused...to somehow justify it in his mind...falsely of course but just another way for them to alleviate their own guilt and shame with their family and friends....just a thought...


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he had a case of buyer's remorse


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I think every BS that decides to split (S or D) feels this way when they make that decision.
For some it is immediately known that is what they want, and for other fools like me, it takes months and months of soul searching to realize the decision, as Traggy said, "it was already made for you".


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I am not to that point of refusing (if it was ever offered) but I now feel that it wouldn't be a quick yes on my part. It would be nice to have that question asked... and have some input in the decision. I had no say when we separated. Alas, I don't think he will ask and I will keep moving forward.


----------



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

Thanks guys for the sanity check...and melissa i definitely agree with you that could be the case!

off to the appt...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There were several times with my ex.

Well before I moved out my ex finally (after about a year of me crying) saw that I wasn't f-cking around anymore...he looked sad for the first time. But I was done. I just couldn't do it anymore. Then later, he petitioned to remove his divorce petition ... which required my signature-- I did not sign it. Then there was a time he invited me on vacation overseas to discuss things--I declined. Then here was the time he wanted us back together...but I found him on more dating sites (and he copped to being on more) and then I noticed there were lots of times he asked me if I truly wanted to get back together and something inside me wasn't "all in." I'd say "But then you'd have to stop doing XYZ" and looking back, I think it was me trying to talk my way out of getting back together. 

If it's broke......


----------



## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

If my W came back at me with any talks of reconciliation, she would be sent packing with her tail between her legs. Not a hope in hell. She's made her bed, she can lie in it.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He just realized your grass is super green


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He just realized your grass is super green



yep and the grass on the other side was only so because of all the manure covering it. lol


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> yep and the grass on the other side was only so because of all the manure covering it. lol


No, it was that fake stuff my grams has on her patio.

:rofl:


----------



## letmebeme (Feb 23, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No, it was that fake stuff my grams has on her patio.
> 
> :rofl:


Spoiled milk put in the fridge tonight is stilled spoiled tomorrow morning.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

On the night we officially broke up my wife gave me a weepy sob story that she did not want to divorce me. While at the same time, she was deep in a EA/PA with the OM. I refused R.

Last Sunday she informed me that she was moving to California to be with the OM. So even if I had told her I wanted to reconcile, I am convinced it would have been a false one and she would have left anyway.

I made the right choice this time.


----------



## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

please keep us posted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Bandit, for some reason I thought you were near the SD area already. Her being gone will help you move on, no worries about running into her everywhere/anywhere you go! 

How do you feel about her moving on?


----------



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No, it was that fake stuff my grams has on her patio.
> 
> :rofl:


you guys crack me up! 

ok so we meet at the lawyer's office, he greets me with a big warm smile...the meeting is swift, to the point, the lawyer is confident we seem to be agreeeable and this can all be over in no time. 

as we walk out h tells me to take my time deciding things and gives me a big hug...while i just stand there not feeling anything. 

:scratchhead:

(instead of scratching head that's a pic of a loopy finger around the brain!!!)


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Bandit, for some reason I thought you were near the SD area already. Her being gone will help you move on, no worries about running into her everywhere/anywhere you go!
> 
> How do you feel about her moving on?


I do love her, and I will miss her. I have my hourly ups and downs like everyone else, but each day is a little better. In a way I am relieved she is leaving. Like you say, I need her gone so that I can be alone and lick my wounds. I'll come through it, just like most BSs on TAM have.


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I refused. My ex-wife did not want a divorce but I simply was tired of being in a sexless marriage. I do not regret my choice not to reconcile.


----------



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i know someone else could really love me, he just never truly has. i guess i'll have to be the one to pick up the ball now.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The sooner you pick up the ball, the better.

You deserve better than someone who does not really love you nor "never truly has." You deserve someone that always appreciates you.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I have refused. Until I get honesty and true remorse, it's not an option.


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The sooner you pick up the ball, the better.
> 
> You deserve better than someone who does not really love you nor "never truly has." You deserve someone that always appreciates you.


:iagree:


----------

