# Mother and sister drama



## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Looking for some advice and perspective.
Some background, I'm married w two kids and have a sister who is married w three. Our mom lives in thr general area and is remarried. 
Growing up our dad was jealous and abusive, occasionally violent. We saw more of our fair share of violence and shouting matches. When we were adolescents our mom left him and met some one else. Our stepfather wasn't abusive but was an alcoholic and my mom and him would have some massive arguments. During this whole time my mom was forced to work ALOT and we would spend plenty of time at home alone. 

As adults, we've learned to deal w our less than ideal childhood. My sister and I both have good marriages and good kids. She especially had some hard times coping with our parents mistakes and made plenty of her own as young adult. Mom and my sister have had their fair share of battles but have been closer because of it, my mom is also much closer to her kids than mine since she's spent so much time w her. 

Recently my sister has started her dream job as a flight attendant, much to the chagrin of our mom. but it isn't just a disagreement about a choice of career, my mom has gone completely overboard w her opinion of this choice. She will constantly pester and text my sister, telling her what a horrible and selfish mother she is, and how her husband must not be much of a man if he's going along w this (he's very supportive). our mom has become very ornery and disruptive to the point where her my sister don't speak any longer and I keep my distance too. Mom has even begun to threaten to call child services on my sister. She is saying things and causing rifts that will take yrs to heal cause she doesn't trust my sister and is projecting her
own guilt about all the mistakes she's made. 
Which leads to my role. Even as a kid, I was always the rock of the family and expected to give advice. mom's over reaction to this choice of my sisters is digging up some old feelings for me and I see myself just wanting to call my mom up and cuss her out for being such a graceless hypocrite. I don't want to throw fuel to the fire but but I want us to get along and be happy again, not in this state of tension. We've gone through so much and it upsets me to see my mom turn everthing upside down gain. 
looking for some advice guidance


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

Stop fulfilling the role that you had in childhood. Don't be a rescuer. Distance yourself from mama. Next step (most important step to get away from the childhood role): disappoint your mother. This way you will obtain the appropriate distance, since you are your own woman now. Don't take sh*t. Good luck.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm sorry, i meant *man* :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

effess said:


> I see myself just wanting to call my mom up and cuss her out for being such a graceless hypocrite.


Do it.

Once.

And then share with your sister what you can learn here about how she can remove herself from her mom's 'circle' until her mom becomes safe again.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Well I did it. I didn't cuss her out, but I did share my anger and disappointment with my mom on how she's chosen to approach this matter. I've even revealed how this has dug up some old feelings for me on my anger about my own childhood.
Predictably, my mom feels attacked and has been defensive. Vasxilating between she's a product of her own poor childhood, to putting all the blame on my sister to acting as she's championing my sisters kids right to have a full time mom. We've been going back and forth by text for days. 
She refuses to admit that she has been heavy-handed in her dealings with my sister or that she has been the protagonist in this entire drama. She continually portrays herself as the victim. 
She insists we talk in person to air all this drama out, but I'm reluctant. Not because I want to avoid conflict, but I know what's it's like to argue in person with her. She cries and makes a big scene, talks over me and I can barely get a word in edge-wise. Plus I don't want to argue in front of my kids. It's a bad habit my wife and I already have I would prefer to do less of it if I can, not more. 
At the end of the day, time will tell whose right between my mom and sister about her choice of career and thr sacrifices involved. They both have very different ideas on how much time she'll spend away from home. I trust my sister to do what's right for her family and my mom does not, and thr time required in this chapter of drama to resolve itself will be in all of our hands.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In the end, your sister is an adult, and it's no longer her mom's place to get in the middle of it. Your sister has to learn to walk away if her mom won't drop it.


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