# "Almost" Cheating...??



## LoveLadyLand (Jul 8, 2013)

Cutting to the chase, my husband has a number of problems which equal one huge problem for me;
1.) Contacting, flirting and sexual reminiscing with numerous ex-girlfriends on-line. 
2.) Visiting Chat-Sex rooms frequently for anonymous visual and audio sexual encounters. 
3.) Skyping with women he has met in those chat rooms and developing relationships with them that have escalated to the point that a few of them would like to come see him in person. 
4.) Visiting strip clubs and engaging in lap dances. Got a phone number from one of the dancers and had text-sex. 
5.) Going to "massage parlours" but turning around because the women were old/ugly. 
6.) Contacting prostitutes to arrange encounters. He told me the only time he actually went to meet with one, he became too nervous and left before anything physical happened. 

I discovered his on-line discrepancies and confronted him about it a month ago and over this time, he has revealed these details to me and I believe that he is doing his best to be honest even though it takes a great deal of probing. He has admitted to being a sex addict and has been attending the 12-step program meetings regularly. He has promised me that he will go to one-on-one therapy, but is procrastinating. I have been attending S-ANON as well as therapy sessions in an attempt to understand and find the healthiest solutions possible. 
We have only been married for 1.5 years and this has been going on since before we have been married and into our married life. We had a wonderful affectionate and peaceful relationship. Almost never fought, did everything together and really enjoyed our time in each other's presence. I feel disgusted and betrayed as all of this feels like it was a façade now. My only solace is that MY love was true... I have always fostered an open and honest relationship and an extremely open mind (sexually speaking). He didn't need to do this because he had a frigid old wife. He really had me fooled... He had actually tricked me into thinking that I was the pervert as my sex drive was much higher than his, or at least it seemed to be, as I continuously tried to engage him in sex to be met with his disinterest. I accepted this based on his excuses that he is getting older and just doesn't have the sex drive that he used to, and he smokes a lot of pot which is known to decrease libido. 
I'm a very attractive woman and in spite of being married, am often propositioned by men but never would have entertained the idea. A part of me would like to do something to "even the score" as I am extremely angry, not to mention hormonal (I'm 4 months pregnant), but I know I could never go through with it. 

So I have a few questions; In light of his efforts and the fact that he refrained from actual intercourse, am I dramatizing to feel as though many an infidelity has been committed?? 
Are crimes of the heart easier or harder to remedy than actual physical affairs?? 
Can anyone share positive stories of long-term recovery (without slips) for sex-addicts?? 

And finally, does anyone have advice as to how I can re-legitimise my right to a healthy and active sex life with my husband? I've gotten so used to going without...

Thank you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

1-5 cheating number 6, most cheaters trickle truth meaning he probably had sex, why wouldn't he. I can't imagine a sex addict backing away. Would a heroin addict refuse a hit? 

It's too early for your marriage to be though this. He's also put you at risk of STDs, please get checked soon. Please think about your future at 1.5 years your in a bad place. I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Oh and don't have sex until you both get checked for all types of STDs. Your baby could be at risk too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Please, for your safety and the safety of your child, go get tested for STDs and if you have to have sex with your husband, use protection.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ok, wheres the almost?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I am sorry for your situation and I am sorry I will be harsh with what I will say, but I could never ever have sex with him knowing where his w...y has been thus putting me at risk of diseases.

I am sorry again for being direct, but you should consider going into personal counselling to find out why you put up with this-most women who have self respect would have shown him the door a long time ago, especially that no children were involved and you were married 1.5 years. 

Start planning a future for yourself and your child, I really wish you all the best.


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## LoveLadyLand (Jul 8, 2013)

He says that it was the "intrigue" that brought him to the prostitute, but that he couldn't go through with it. I have been tested and everything is okay disease-wise


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## LoveLadyLand (Jul 8, 2013)

This just in: He admitted to a few hand-jobs at the massage parlours. Still insists that he didn't sleep with the prostitute.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

uggggh. he is cheating. save yourself from a lifetime of misery. get out now while you have the tiniest amount of self-respect left. It's tiny because you're not even sure if you're being cheated on and disrepsected. you are. don't tolerate this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LoveLadyLand said:


> This just in: He admitted to a few hand-jobs at the massage parlours. Still insists that he didn't sleep with the prostitute.


So the truth is slowly trickling out. His first version was he left the massage parlor because the women were ugly. Now he is admitting to hand jobs (plural).

So he is in a 12-step program; do you think he is refraining from all the activities you know of? Do you have any reason to believe he may still be engaging in online chatting or text messaging other women?


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

I would pack my bags and go. I use to work for a guy that was addicted to sex. He always had porn on his computer and talking about sex. I never saw the porn but another worker told me about it. Long story short, the things that he said to be and the questions he asked me about my sex life while at work. I felt like I was sexually harassed. I left that day and never went back to work for him...thinking about that days makes me sick. Save yourself a lot of heart ache, he's cheated and his excuse is that he has an addiction. You deserve better.


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## arielucrz (Jul 9, 2013)

Please, for your safety and the safety of your child


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is not "almost" cheating, or "kinda" cheating....this IS cheating, plain and simple. Get out now, save yourself from years and years of heartache and frustration...you and your child deserve better.


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## LoveLadyLand (Jul 8, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> So the truth is slowly trickling out. His first version was he left the massage parlor because the women were ugly. Now he is admitting to hand jobs (plural).
> 
> So he is in a 12-step program; do you think he is refraining from all the activities you know of? Do you have any reason to believe he may still be engaging in online chatting or text messaging other women?


I know that he has been "sober" since my discovery. I have access to his computer and he has been to meetings every day. He working with a sponsor and he is deeply remorseful. He said that he felt relieved when I caught him. We are going to try to figure out where is sickness stems from and how to fix it. I can see a genuine desire in him to stop all of this and to continue with what (other than this terrible secret of his) has been a wonderful marriage. It's been even more shocking for me because of the quality of our marriage on a day-to-day basis. It's so weird, but we were that couple that everyone else thinks is so perfect and happy, and until last month, it absolutely was...


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## LoveLadyLand (Jul 8, 2013)

wife1981 said:


> I would pack my bags and go. I use to work for a guy that was addicted to sex. He always had porn on his computer and talking about sex. I never saw the porn but another worker told me about it. Long story short, the things that he said to be and the questions he asked me about my sex life while at work. I felt like I was sexually harassed. I left that day and never went back to work for him...thinking about that days makes me sick. Save yourself a lot of heart ache, he's cheated and his excuse is that he has an addiction. You deserve better.


Thank you, and I totally agree that I deserve better. The interesting thing about my husband is that he was the sweetest gentleman who would never speak to anyone about their sex life. He was not a "kiss and tell" guy. I never once caught a wandering eye or did he flirt inappropriately in front of me. All of his addiction was in secret and this intrigue was part of the game for him. Apparently it all stems from an exposure to pornography much too early in life which is why all of his acts were secretive and shameful. I worry that we will be seeing a lot more of today's kids growing up with similar afflictions and it makes me sad because it's really hard to find the right kind of professional help and it's very expensive.


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## LoveLadyLand (Jul 8, 2013)

I understand that he has cheated. Many times with many many strangers. He is a sex and love addict. Constantly seeking validation. He's a "Mr. Nice Guy" on the outside. All of his friends have a cutesie nick name for him and absolutely put him on a pedestal as the nicest of all of their friends. I'm finding it very difficult to listen to everyone say how great he is all the time when I know his dirty secret. He has lead a double life and I am so happy that I discovered it before he went to the next level and had intercourse. He claims to be feeling so much better now that he has told me everything. Has even told me things he "thought" of doing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt before I bail on our friendship and marriage and try to raise this child on my own. I'm hoping that anyone can share words of encouragement or share stories of marriages that have survived extreme crisis??


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