# D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day



## LostOneForGood

Hi All,

I haven't posted here yet, because I was hoping I would never have to, but here I am. My thread was "Isnt Getting Better or Worse" in going through divorce section. Well it got worse, my "D" was final on Nov 7th. I thought I had gained ground, but I haven't, I feel more and more like just giving up for good. I am sitting here now, tears down the face, pit in the stomach and whiskey by my side.. I miss my wife/my best friend more than I could even imagine. I shouldn't after all she did to me in the end, but I am. It's really hard, I had to move back with my folks in my hometown 100 miles away. I have not seen or spoken to her since Aug 18th, the last memory of her face was her getting ready to leave the day I was moving and turning around crying and buring her head in my chest for several minutes. Nothing was said, just embracing and that was it, gone forever. 
I did the 180, no contact, only contact has been by text and email for business purposes. We knew each 12 years, together 6, married 4. We never went more than two days or so that we didnt get to talk or see one another, it has been 3 months now and I am dying a little everyday. I never got closure or a real answer to what happened, it was all over the place. I am certain she has someone else, probably living in the house I am paying half for, I dont know for certain, but she cant be alone. 
I have been given at least 12 phone numbers from women since I have been back, but I know better than to do anything right now, because my mental state is not good. I work, go to the gym, hang with friends, get on here, but nothing lets her leave my mind. One of the hardest things is being back in my hometown, its very small and the town I moved back from, where she is from is huge. 
All our friends have rallied around me, not her, even her family went against her, but it never changed her mind. She even admitted at a huge family dinner, that she was wrong for wanting to leave me and stood up and announced that in the restaurant, but still here I am without her. I dont know if I can ever make any sense of what happened, I sure as Hell do not trust Anyone right now as far a relationships are concerned! If my best friend could do this to me, what would a total stranger do to me? I'm so lost, I dont even know what direction to begin heading towards. God help me for future events that I may not be able to control....


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## sharkeey

It gets better, just takes time. Sometimes a whole bunch of it.

You'll probably find that you'll never completely let yourself trust another person again, and hey that's ok.

You just never know what another person is thinking or what they might do.


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## Shooboomafoo

YES MAN,, ,this isnt the end of anything. 
Its a new start. 
You cant make her stay with you, so now you got a pass to do whatever you want in life. 
The pain goes away, Ive been divorced for a few months past a year, and brother have I seen the darkest corners of my soul in those first few months. 
After moving into my new house and away from the marital home, I got to see her car sitting parked across the street from my new house, visiting her boyfriend that stayed over there with a friend,, for over nighters too. This was not 3 days after I moved in. Then a few months later, she moves him into the marital home with our 11yr old daughter and her. 

Recognize that this is the period of grief that you have to experience, then will come anger mixed in.. but then you will have a few more and more good days happen, and you will take notice of those days. Nurture yourself, give yourself permission to grieve, but also give yourself permission to move onward. 
It does most certainly absolutely get better with a bit of time.


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## Paradise

Dude, put the whiskey down the sink and leave it alone for a while. Get outside and take a walk in the woods and keep exercising. I'm guessing you don't have kids so you are one lucky duck. 

Oh, and you are doing a good thing by not dating yet. Take your time with that. You will want to....badly....I know this from experience.


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## LostOneForGood

Hey Shoo, Wow Man, I am sorry to hear about your situation, that is terrible, thank you for the input. Thank you also Paradise! 

I am at the point of anger and sadness all at once! I want answers from her on how she turned almost evil to me, yet at the same time telling me I did nothing wrong and it was on her. She said " I want kids, just not with you, because we have to do that..(While looking at my crotch).. Seperate rooms, stating that we cant be in the house at the same time, etc.. All out of no where!!! I knew her for 6 years before we got together, we were best friends.. She has ruined me right now.. I had to move back home to my crappy little hometown of 15,000 people vs being there in a town of more than 200,000... The bomb came two weeks after we moved into a new house!!!! Knowing women, she had this in mind long before we bought this house, WTF??? I couldnt move, all our money went into this house, she couldnt move (or so she says) because her family was so mad and our friends quit talking to her.. I am paying for half a house I got to live in for three flippin months!!! I want answers!!!! Does anything said now between us even matter now that the D is final, not like I'm trying to win her back, no way!! How does she sleep at night?? I cant even fathim doing that to someone.. I want to know why she was so cruel for no reason, why we bought the house when she damn well knew she didnt want me... For the love!!!! 

Sorry for the rant, the holiday has me messed up, I miss her family terribly, just going nuts here.. Thanks all!!


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## Paradise

Rant all you want. That's what this place is for. I got stuck in a mess with a house that I'm still paying for 2 years later (it sold last year but I still owe money on it). 

Oh, and one thing. You said she "ruined you." No, she didn't! You are ruining yourself right now. She just decided to be a b!tch and throw a lot of what you two worked for down the drain. You didn't do that. But, right now you are poisoning yourself. It's important that you start looking at things this way.


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## LostOneForGood

Paradise,

I know what you are saying and you are correct! It eats me up becuase I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? I do my very best to keep my mind occupied, but everytime I have to go to my storage unit to get something, anger shoots through me!!! When my friends post about getting together back there, anger shoots through me!!! I just will never understand and the the absoulute worst part!! I am still in Love with her!!! Holy Crap, that is messed up!!!


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## 2ntnuf

I know you don't know me. I occasionally post in this forum. I feel your pain. I have and am living a very similar life. I have been divorced since the end of June and I still love my ex. Like you, I believed she was my best friend. Like you, I don't know if I can trust anyone, ever again.

One thing I can say is, the hurt will hurt less. You will slowly be able to take more and more of the things which are unbearable now. Most of all, strangers will treat you better than folks you know. You will learn to deal with this new life.

Good luck to you.


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## Paradise

LostOneForGood said:


> Paradise,
> 
> I know what you are saying and you are correct! It eats me up becuase I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? I do my very best to keep my mind occupied, but everytime I have to go to my storage unit to get something, anger shoots through me!!! When my friends post about getting together back there, anger shoots through me!!! I just will never understand and the the absoulute worst part!! I am still in Love with her!!! Holy Crap, that is messed up!!!


Hey, I feel for ya! Been through everything you just stated and then some. 

So, you love her, eh? Really? She did this to you and you love her? Let me ask you, would you do this to someone you really love? No, you wouldn't, nor would I. Dude, she used you up and spit you out. My ex did the same to me. She got what she wanted and I fell for it. 

I felt sorry for myself for a while about the pile of debt and the house that I built, etc and so forth. But, then I remembered I actually signed my name to all of it. And why? Because I was a freaking moron and wanted to make my wife happy. Big homes and fancy cars don't make people happy, dude. Now you learned an important lesson and you won't make the same mistake again....Unless you are an idiot.


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## sharkeey

LostOneForGood said:


> I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? up!!!


It's not necessarily the "one's who are surprised" (or betrayed).

Usually the breadwinner gets hosed, that's how the laws work.

A common situation:

The dad/husband works full time, wife raises the kids, they divorce (because one of them cheated), mom gets custody because she was the primary caregiver, husband gets the support obligation, visitation and finds a small cheap place to live.

The courts don't care, they can't get involved with infidelity because it's impractical on so many levels; as a reason to make rulings on support and asset distribution.

I've been there and am still paying.

Then again I read stories all the time about wives who were always stay at home parents, the husband cheated, leaves her and she's stuck on welfare barely supporting the kids while he's out having the time of his life.

Go figure.


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## Corpuswife

Take care of yourself. It will get better. Put down the whiskey as this will prolong your grieving...plus it's a depressant and not the best drug for you at this time!

Look at where you are as temporary. Things WILL get better. Moving in with your folks is a stepping stone, in that direction. Believe it or not. They can be your support system while your get on your feet and build confidence. 

If you need someone to talk to try individual counseling....

Most of us understand the heartbreak. I do for sure! Keep your chin up. Your life will be better....


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## sharkeey

Paradise said:


> But, then I remembered I actually signed my name to all of it. And why? Because I was a freaking moron and wanted to make my wife happy. Big homes and fancy cars don't make people happy, dude. Now you learned an important lesson and you won't make the same mistake again....Unless you are an idiot.


Exactly.

We bear the responsibility. Not our ex's, not the courts.

We made bad decisions. We never know what another person will do, and as far as divorce rates go, and infidelity, and all those other things that ruin relationships and marriages, those who marry the first time are being somewhat overly optimistic and rolling the dice in the face of overwhelmingly negative odds.

Those who remarry ARE morons.

My opinion.


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## LostOneForGood

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostOneForGood

I am just thinking today, how I will never understand how she became basically EVIL to me almost immediately! There are several things that are stuck in my head, example. She said" I wanna have kids, just not with you! Not long after that it was " I am a free spirit, your a homebody, we are heading in different directions. Then,"Do you have a girlfriend? Maybe you should it would make this easier for you" Then two weeks after I moved, she text me to see how I was.. I said, Really? You didnt care when I was there, why ask now? She says, " I am merely checking on one of my used to be best friends, but I have to remember that is gone to!!" We were still married, she hadnt filed yet!!! I dont know that I can ever trust again, I can only look ar someone now and think " Well what are you going to do to me?" Just the other night I had a woman offer basically a affair to me. She says this to me " Your hot, I like you, my bf will never know".I damn neared hit the roof! I said you got to be kidding me, let me tell you a story. I told her what I just went through and I said " There are things that eat at a man worse than the fear of dying" I told her I wish that pain on no man!! If you dont want him, leave.. Dont cheat.. I then left after that.. I am convinced that "Faithful" has been removed from the English language.. Anyway, my now ex is living the life she has been wanting and I am living in Hell! I just cant wrap my head around it...


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## Paradise

Yep, you are going through what a lot of us on here have already negotiated. See, you are getting angry now. That's good. Just don't stay pissed for too long. 

There are a lot of really good people out there. Over time you will once again start seeing the good.


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## geek down

LostOneForGood said:


> I am at the point of anger and sadness all at once! I want answers from her on how she turned almost evil to me, yet at the same time telling me I did nothing wrong and it was on her. She said " I want kids, just not with you, because we have to do that..(While looking at my crotch)..


she said this to get a reaction from you. My ex told me before she left that I have the smallest **** she's ever seen..The next girl I was with told me she has never been with a guy that big..

Your ex was just playing with your mind..and what a better way to mess with a guys mind then to make fun of his other mind??

She was either planning this or was looking for a reason to leave. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sux big time I know.. But you will feel better.. and whiskey...not a good thing man.. grab a buddy or two and roll a blunt..


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone

I've been where you are...just a few weeks ago in fact. I can tell you I did not think it will get better - but it does.

You say you've been given numbers by women - use them. You do not have to marry these women! Or even have a relationship, or even date, you could just meet up for a coffee. I have been on just one very casual coffee date, and I cannot tell you the difference it has made to me. 

I used to think about my ex continously (I couldn't even call him 'my ex' a few weeks ago), now he barely enters my head. My focus is elsewhere....the longer you keep thinking about her and going over every single little thing she said/says or doesn't say, the should haves and could haves, the whys....the hope....the longer you will stay with this feeling that your heart is breaking and your life is over. 

It isn't. Your relationship with this one woman is over. That's all.

You say you are 'in love' with her. This just isn't true. You may still love her, but you are not in love with her. When the reality of what she has done sinks in fully you may find that the love you feel is not for her at all, but for the person she was, or the person you wanted her to be.

Ultimately, what we love about someone is the way they make us feel - loved, happy, secure, desired, needed, safe, wanted...etc etc

There are MILLLIONS of women out there who can, I GUARANTEE make you feel better than your ex ever did or ever could have.

Have faith


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## LostOneForGood

I just cant get over this anger! Especially when I have to send in half of what use to be my home payment! I'm angry that I was used to get her into that new house, paint it, put up $1000 worth of curtains, buy a new frig, put up a new gazebo,etc. I'm angry she was talking to other men and who knows what else and felt like she was not doing anything wrong. I am angry I had to move home, while she is partying it up. I am angry she feels nothing and has no remorse. I am angry someone else will get to stay at my house and see the christmas decorations I wont get to. I am angry that I have to start over and nothing changed for her. I am angry at myself for not seeing this and being smarter and shut this crap off a long time ago. I am angry at her because I do not trust anyone now. I am most angry that I still Love her...


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## Paradise

LostOneForGood said:


> I am angry at myself for not seeing this and being smarter and shut this crap off a long time ago....


Alright, not trying to be an a$$ here but I shortened down your rant to the only sentence that truly matters at this point. 

Did you learn your lesson? It's a hard one to learn isn't it? Now you won't do this again! 

Oh, and just for the record....I learned the same lesson.


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## LostOneForGood

WKSHD,
You are correct, There are a Million women out there, but the deal is I trust NONE of them. Little recent story.. Like I said I have been given several numbers, but here is a kicker that I cant believe. I currently have two, repeat two Married women after me!!! Both are beautiful! One, I know both her and her significant other, great people! She was out with friends one night and was at the same bar, we all talked, her friends went out to smoke and she whispers to me "You can have me if you want me" I say, Come Again? She says, I have been attracted to you since you got back to town, he never has to know.. I said, "Do know why I am back here?? Do you remember the conversation?? What you are offerning to me, is what happened to me!! You have to be kidding me??? So I gave the what for.. Not sure if it did any good, cuz I ran into her and her hubby the following week and she told me the same thing, def ears I guess.. 
The other works at a restaurant/bar I frequent, I stand alot and when she goes back behind the bar, she makes sure she walks past me and always acts like she has to grab onto me to get around, usually around the hips. She usually comes stands by me when she gets off work and talks to me and always makes it a point to tell me her schedule. I am like, You have got to be kidding me??? Is anyone faithful???? I am convinced, NO!! I am at a loss. I do want someone and that someone is my ex, but if I have to live without her, I would like to find someone, but after what happened to me and what I am seeing now, I cant see it.

Paradise, Yes I did learn a lesson, hardest one ever. Regrets out the wazoo!!! I am sorry you had the same lesson.. I unfortunatley believe I am unwilling to do this again. I had what I wanted, I didnt do enough to keep her. She's right, I didnt do anything wrong. But I know in my heart, I didnt do enough to be what she needed. Now I cant forgive for how she ended it, that is just unacceptable by any standard, but I dont blame her for wanting more. I was a excellent provider, could fix anything, took care of everything, though we had a good sex/emotional life, but I think that is where it failed. 
I just feel that if I cant make it work with her, I cant with anyone..


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## Paradise

Once again, not trying to make light of your thoughts and feelings here. You sound the exact same way I did a year and a half ago. I was angry, bitter, resentful....Then I started dating. Wow! Obviously not the best state of mind to be in as I'm attempting to attract someone, eh? Go ahead and date. Do what you have to do but just remember, whatever you do in the next 6 months to a year or more is strictly going to be to mask the anger. Better to deal with it now and start working your way through it. 

I loved my ex wife, too. But, looking back now and seeing what she actually was and how she treated me towards the end I can now see what she really is deep down. You will see this, too. 

Rant all you want here. I did the same. But, I also had an outstanding person in my life that kicked me in the a$$ a few times and told me to quit whining. Pissed me off at the time but my dad was right. 

You take care of yourself. That's all you have to worry about now. Get that dang house sold (my ex and I had to pay for over a year before we had a buyer and it about put me into bankruptcy). Last year at this time I was hanging on by a thread.


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## LostOneForGood

Hi Gang,

Took some time off, been crazy at work 15+hour days, so that has helped. I though now find myself at almost 6 months of living back in my home town and exactly 3 months divorced I am on a wicked emotion roller coaster. The house Still hasnt sold, found out the ex went to Vegas in Dec with the BF she had while we were together and some harsh realties are setting in. I live in a rural area, not much to do, hardly anywhere to meet people. I am sitting here mad as Hell that she is living the life she wants to and I am in Hell!!! I hate and love her at the same time. My 38th bday was last month, low and behold she emails me saying she knows I dont want to talk to her or hear from her and she has to be ok with that, but wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday.. I did not and have not replied, there was more to the letter also. 
I just cant let it go....


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## dazedguy

I feel the same way 3 months after my divorce was final. I can't let go but my wife is living her life like nothing happened. We were married for 11 years, divorced almost 3 months, and she's in love with someone else. Eh?

If you figure out the magic to letting go, please do share. I'm in the place where I don't want her back (I do but I don't) but I can't imagine myself with another woman. Maybe more time?


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## LostOneForGood

Its amazing isn't it?? I really have never trusted people that much, but her I gave her everything I had... I was told over and over again that "I did nothing wrong" Yet the things said and done to me I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!!

Im now living back in my hometown, which is Hell on earth, while she is having a blast in her big city. Its killin me, because she has tons of places to go and people to choose from, I have just the opposite. All our friends and even her family says she "Will truly never be happy" maybe so, but she sure is havin a good time right now and I get to pay for half of it till the house sells. 

I just don't think I will actually recover from this. I know life goes on, blah,blah,blah. But I think I will probably just fill the void of her with finding stuff to do in a old farmtown, good luck with that.!!!


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## HeartbrokenW

My husband was my best friend. I thought we were perfect for each other, would be together until death. I was extremely crushed when he left my daughter and I, much like how you are feeling. I finally got back on my feet, living life day to day, doing ok. Was actually proud of myself. Then a few months later, I found out I had been replaced by OW and was burning again in anger and hurt. Someone made a comment that made me stop and think. Did I really miss HIM or did I miss the "dream of what I thought I had?" When you looked at it objectively, I was better off without him. 

My situation is alittle different. I was the breadwinner. He gave me the house and custody of our daughter. He walked away. No support from him. I have a good career that I have been able to still excel at throughout this, so financially I am ok. But I still have emotional issues. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. Put all my eggs in one basket. Become emotionally attached to anyone. Don't let it define you though. My work life keeps me sane (and keeps the bills paid.) I took a class this semester too, working towards the diploma that I started 30 yrs ago. This helps to occupy my time. Projects around the house. At first, I signed up for online dating websites and would spend hours sitting here. I deleted all my memberships and have felt better than I have in a long time. Now I don't worry about 'finding someone'. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I'm content (at least right now) knowing that I am SURVIVING and right now, that is my only goal.


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## LostOneForGood

Hey Dazed,

Im very sorry for your situation, I can imagine you are like me, you wouldnt wish this on anyone!!! I am looking for the magic to letting go, searched long and hard. For me it has been time and coming here. I can only imagine that she will have a rough way to go from now on.. I was her third marriage by age 34, not a great track record, so I cant imagine her future is to bright with the new crowd of people she hangs with and where she goes. I dont know what to do from here for myself, been thrown into a whirlwind that is out of control. All I can do, is do stuff I awlways wanted to do and just go do them and try my best to not think of her or what happened, easier said than done, but thats what I am attempting. 
PM if you want, ill be happy to talk with you.


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## Stretch

Hi all,

Glad to see some are healing and moving on. If you are struggling as I am, but not letting yourself enjoy the company of a potential new partner, I encourage you to try to find love again. Companionship has been the best medicine for me and even though I get very sad about my marriage disintegrating, I have a lot of love to give and I am going to find someone that wants it and wants to give it back.

Protect your heart but give yourself a chance to enjoy life.

Find hapiness everyone,
Stretch


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## LostOneForGood

Ok Gang,

I'm finding myself not in a good place after 6 months.. I still think of my ex daily, multiple times. From us in the beginning to the horrible ending.. I know she has moved on, pretty easy for her. I cannot. I cant help but think, who is going to do hurt me next. I read all the stories on here and for the most part, they are all the same. The constant is the "ILYBNILWY" 99% of the time, its a affair. More affairs are starting because of FB and text. Most people do both, just adding to the ever growing pile of chances to cheat. That is what happened to my marriage. 
I have been talking to several women and out of say 7,only 1 wasnt in a relationship and wouldnt cheat on their mate. So 6 women have offered to sleep with me (flattered) but their with someone, what does that say??? I know what some of you will say, "Your talking to the wrong type of women..." Not so, they were all different, where I know them from, where they work, age, etc... Dont know what to do...

Point blank, I miss my wife.. I dont want to do this anymore. I know what she did, i know how she treated me at the end and I usually never forgive or forget, but I think I would this time. The problem is, she is living the life she wants, I think, not for sure, havent talked to her in 6 months, but I can only imagine.
Even thinking of her having sex with someone else doesnt bother me as much as the though of them going to dinner where her and I went, going shopping where we did, etc..
Idk, I am in a bad place, I just cant see my life without her. I know I have to, i know i have to move on and let go, I just cant...Its killing me to think someone else could make her happier than I could, to make her smile, laugh, etc.. I have never felt pain like this...


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## dazedguy

I reread your thread this morning and realized our divorces were final on the same day 11/7. My situation is different from yours. My wife checked out of the marriage, started having EAs and eventually moved out. For the next two years she (I allowed her to) strung me along by staying in almost daily contact with me and going on the occasional date. The pretext of this was that she was trying to decide what she wanted, but unbeknown to me, at the same time she was going out to clubs, dating other people and having full blown PA. I didn't find this out until last summer when I finally threw in the towel and filed for divorce.

My point to telling you this is that the hardest part of the past 2+ years for me without a doubt was those two years of being kept around as a safety net because it kept me emotionally invested in the marriage and kept me under the delusion that what I did mattered or could influence her. As a result my mind would constantly spin with thoughts of should I do this next time or should I not have said this or I wonder if she expects me to do this other thing. It was hell and helplessness and dependency like I have never experienced and when the proverbial [email protected]# hit the fan for me, it was a huge eye-opener. Regardless of how much I wanted my marriage to work (and nobody on this earth wanted his marriage to work more than I did) I should have never given her the power to inflict such pain onto me. I should have never spent so much time denying the reality of my situation and beating myself up daily with thoughts of what I could do when the reality was I wasn't the person calling the shots and if one partner doesn't want the marriage to work then the marriage is over period. Regardless of the other person's feelings, wants, regrets, personal changes, family relationships, etc. It makes no difference. My marriage was over when she left and refused counseling. It just took me two years of torturing myself before I realized that I was the only one left and that I was the person causing myself all of that pain.

I'm not going to tell you that you will find somebody better or that you'll be happy soon because I have no idea if that's true. The statistics do back that up, but who knows what your future holds. What I will say is that you need to take care of yourself and stop spending energy thinking about your wife and your marriage. Your reality is that you are divorced now. She is gone now. You are suffering now. Your suffering is self-inflicted; she's not there to do it anymore.

I still thinking about my ex daily too. I remember everything (mainly the good times) about our relationship. I do still love her and I do still miss being with her, but I have made the decision to stop torturing myself by thinking about what could have been and wondering what's she's doing. You have to make a conscious effort to do the same. Whenever something comes up and you think about her rather than sit where you are and go deeper into that thought, tell yourself "I did everything I was capable of doing at the time but we were not compatible enough to make it work. Our marriage is over and I'm going to take care of myself." Then get out and go run, workout, visit friends, volunteer, go to church, do a meetup, something good to take your mind off of your marriage and to help you move into a positive place. 

Taking a pro-active part in my own healing has made a big difference in my overall level of dispair / depression. Good luck and please PM anytime if you want to talk. We're going through a lot of the same things.


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## C3156

Dude, you are only 6 months out from D-day. A lot of reading I did said that you should give a year for every 4/5 years of a serious relationship to deal with the end of the relationship. The old adage that time heals all wounds comes into effect here.

I had a slight advantage, as a military member I volunteered to be deployed overseas. Gave me plenty to occupy my time for about a year. But if you know the military, there was a lot of hurry up and wait time. I had the opportunity to think, a lot. I got into going into the gym and when things were on my mind, I would write them down in a journal I kept. It helped me to deal with the thoughts as I could let my emotion just flow onto the pages. Kind of like therapy, just got it all out. It helped me to focus and deal with the emotions. Sometimes sucks that I had to come back.

You have lots of anger over the end of your marriage. Just remember that you only one you have control over is yourself. You cannot control your ex or anything to do with her. Make sure you take care of you. Stop worrying about what your ex is doing or who she is doing it with. It is a hard pill to swallow, but you have to let her go. She made her decision, leave her to it. 

Some counseling may help if you are willing, they could give you methods to cope with the situation. It took me a while to get over my wife and the things she did to end our marriage. Because we have children, it made it doubly difficult as I still have to deal with her on a regular basis. But looking back on our relationship, I realize that she did me a favor by leaving me. I ended up a much happier person. And financially it started crappy, but I am in a great place now. Time will help, but you need to find a way to let it (and her) go.

Think about it this way, after what she did to you, would you really want to go back to that?


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## Freak On a Leash

C3156 said:


> Dude, you are only 6 months out from D-day. A lot of reading I did said that you should give a year for every 4/5 years of a serious relationship to deal with the end of the relationship. The old adage that time heals all wounds comes into effect here.


:iagree: He's right. 6 months is barely scratching the surface. I didn't start feeling better until well after a year. By 2 years I had it under control. But at 6 months I was still going nuts. 

You need to be patient and stay the course.


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## LostOneForGood

Thanks guys for the input!!!:smthumbup: I know its still early, here is what is hurting the most and making me the maddest..

1. Still paying half a house I only got to live in for 3 months, now Have paid on it for 6 months after leaving. Feeling used to get her in the house and then her thinking she could keep it. HA!!! Its still for sale, she couldnt figure out, the only two ways to ressolve a house. A. Sell It B. Buy the other out...

2. Not knowing who she has over there enjoying all the work i put into it, sitting on the furntiure I moved and doing other stuff




3. Her going to Vegas In Dec, when I had trip planned for our Anniversary (Dec 12th) to Vegas, to which i was going to propose (didnt get to the 1st time) at the top of the Eifel Tower at Paris Las Vegas... Instead she goes with I can only assume it a BF, dont know!!! She was talking to so many different guys those last three months, I dont if Its one of them or a new one!!!

4. Having to live with family, cuz I am still paying for her house.

5. Having to leave the town I knew for 12 years and all my good friends.

6. Being back in a one horse town in which the chance of meeting someone just got cut by 3/4...

7.Being told "I did nothing wrong" yet being treated like I was a piece of garbage...

8. Being lied to, when the evidence was stacked a mile high!!
Idk, right now, i just don't know who I am.. I feel like I was dropped in a desert, with no map, no mission, no destination..... 

Dazedguy, Man I am sorry about your situation to, Yes, we need to chat, sounds like we could do some good...

C3156, man I feel for you real bad to. My whole family is military and that has to be one of the hardest professions on a marriage.. unI had a cousin come back from Iraq and was handed divorce papers when he landed.. Cold, evil, cant expalin it.

Thanks to FOL, you have been to Hell and back!!! I am trying to stay the course, but I feel like I'm dragging dead weight and cant cut it loose... 

I'll never understand why the Betrayed get the shaft and the Evil doers come out on top.. I guess the old saying is true.... No Good Deed Goes Unpunished...


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## Shooboomafoo

I should shake the hands of the 2 OM that took apart my marriage, for delivering me from that wretched unfulfilling and deceitful woman. 
She moved her OM#2 into the marital home with her and our daughter 3 months after I moved out.
I had to live there for a couple months after the divorce, and eighteen years of being together, and 11 years of marriage would hold no weight as I watched her get ready for dates with this one dude. One month I was "soul mate" the next month it was ILYBNILWY, and despite all the evidence I had she would never admit to having done anything wrong. 
I went thru hell for a good year after the divorce. 
I havent dated anyone, nor sought out anyone to date. 
I spent so much time of my life trying to live that "family -man-dad" personna that now? Im learning what Shoo is all about..

So far, I like Netflix and my recliner. Some yard work, and the ability to wake up on a saturday without a million freaking things that result in contention if I do not participate...
You gotta give yourself permission to grieve, to exclaim how sh!tty all that was, and be your own consul.


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## LostOneForGood

Shoo, 

That is exactly what was getting ready or was happening to me!! She was going out every night, she post pics on FB while she was out, but she was with her friends. I can only assume one of the guys she was talking to could be the OM, not sure never seen who she was talking to via text or FB.

I had to leave knowing she was going to start all of this right in front of me and Yeah, one month, we just bought our (her) dream house, the next is "I want kids, just not with you!! I want sex, just not with you!! I want, just not with you!! 

WOW!!!!!! Still killin me how Cold and Evil se turned in the blink of an eye.. Didnt know that was even humanly possible!!!


Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.....


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## Freak On a Leash

Shooboomafoo said:


> I went thru hell for a good year after the divorce.
> I havent dated anyone, nor sought out anyone to date.
> I spent so much time of my life trying to live that "family -man-dad" personna that now? Im learning what Shoo is all about..
> 
> So far, I like Netflix and my recliner. Some yard work, and the ability to wake up on a saturday without a million freaking things that result in contention if I do not participate...
> You gotta give yourself permission to grieve, to exclaim how sh!tty all that was, and be your own consul.


:smthumbup: Shoo, you are a poster child for what divorce can do for someone. I still remember your posts from right after your divorce and you were falling apart. But you held it together, kept your dignity, was intent on making a good life for your child and yourself and have come to like and enjoy your new life. 

I give you the offical "High Five" of awesomeness! 

BTW, I love Netflix too. Best $7.99/month EVAR! :smthumbup:

Oh, and your Ex is a s!ut and deserves a miserable life.

Karma is a b!tch and sometimes you marry one. But then sometimes you luck out and you get divorced from one too. Then they are miserable alone and you get to sit and watch while drinking a cold one while having a good laugh.


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## Welsh TXN

Karma is a b!tch and sometimes you marry one. But then sometimes you luck out and you get divorced from one too. Then they are miserable alone and you get to sit and watch while drinking a cold one while having a good laugh. [/QUOTE]

That's an excellent saying, anyways I was kicked out of the house in feb 2012 after I suspected something was going on between her and a good friend or so I thought was a good friend who I had helped out through his separation from his wife. Anyways when I pushed back about all the things I had recovered and put together about them both she filled for divorce in march 2012 no kids ( I also live on a different continent to my family) anyways I got myself a lawyer and the rest as they say is history. Divorce was granted in may 2012 dated 2.5 years married 3 years anyways I started all over again in a new town found out who my real friends were, the main thing that made me mad real mad in start of the separation was the way she was sneaking around I knew because my old neighbor was keeping an eye on the place and the OM would show up 10-11 at night and leave between 6-7 in the morning I realized that this was not good for me knowing what was going on at my old marital home, so I blocked her on Facebook and told my neighbor thanks but please nothing more my anger, helplessness subsided and I started to move on and I was finished the day she forced me out of the marital home because being a man I knew why he turned up late and rose early to make sure no-one caught them together because the divorce was still going through anyways she is now in a full blown relationship with the OM I have heard through the grapevine I try and not give much thought to her in anyway, nowadays. in July six months after I moved out and 3 months after it was all final I met someone who I clicked with nothing serious at first we talked had few coffee dates and 2-3 dinner dates and then decided that we liked each other and would like to see where it goes anyways we made it official we have been dating 7 months and I can tell you she is polar opposite to my exW I am the happiest I have been in a couple of years. The main thing I did was talk to the new girl about my past and my exW and why I believed there was a breakdown and we are stronger for it yes I have had my ups and downs and still have triggers but truthfully life is better now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostOneForGood

Dang Welsh,
It makes it that much worse when the OM is a friend,I can definitely sympathize with your situation, sounds very similar!!

The biggest thing I am dealing with right now is, The town I left, where she is from is a good size city. Plenty to do, lots of people. Where I am from and had to come back is nothing, has your basics to live and few people. There are like four places in town to hangout and guess what? Its the same people all the time, 90% couples or single dudes. I think the ratio of men to women here is 3 to 1. I have to turn to online dating (which is a joke) I also have to look over a hour away in a big city... So while I'm searching and playing the messaging game, my ex is hooking up with someone at all the cool places we use to go and heading back to the house I am still paying half of!! She is the type to "Go with the Flow" so even if things sux or not going well, she wont let anyone know and just smiles and nods. That's what she said about us getting married, she was going with the flow.. Also when we just bought this house, she was going with the flow, more like using my flow to get in the thing!!! 
I just dont know how to start my life while I'm stuck with family until that house sells and she is living how she wants to and I get to pay for half!!!


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## Welsh TXN

Lost, 

It's real hard I know that for sure thinking about what's going on back there with the things you paid for etc, when my exW kicked me out she was too scared to actually be there when I picked up my stuff she sent her mother who was a complete mind f$&k saying that my exW was deeply heart broken and the OM had never stayed over and her darling daughter would not cheat on me I literally laughed out loud at that statement and told her about the things I had been told by people in the community she raised her voice and angered her tone and told me not to listen to them and then preceded to ask me who had said such nasty things about her daughter. I would not break my confidantes trust because I knew the first thing she would have done would have been to run round there and berate them.

If I can give you one piece of advice Lost forget whats going on back there cleanse your mind body and soul purge your photo albums, wedding pictures I did this with my hunting and fishing buddies who stood by me through it all on the 1 year anniversary of the date I found out the first time she cheated on me with this OM I burnt those pictures and it was the biggest mind cleanse I could have asked for it was the last thing I had been hanging on to from the relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostOneForGood

Hey Welsh,

The one thing I had was her family on my side. They all knew what she was doing and that they were disgusted by it. They were helping me and not talking to her. But i am sure now after I have been gone, things get pushed aside and family becomes family again.

But when I moved, I unfriended her on FB, I took all pictures, which are all digital, put on a USB and put in a safety deposit box, they are some I just cant get rid of, not cuz of her, but other people in it. I dropped her off my phone, I have not spoken to her since Aug 18 when I moved, only by text a little for the F'n house. 

I guess the biggest thing is, I had to move back to my hometown, no choice. Its Cornfield County here, not a damn thing to do. She lives in a big city with all kinds to do. I think if I was in a big city, i would not think about it so much, but when all you got to do watch the trees grow, your mind wanders. Now I do work alot, starting school, etc.. But that stuff isnt the same as going out on dates and or hookin up, know what I mean??

Thanks!!!


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## LostOneForGood

Hey All,

I found this site today and found it to be very interesting. I thought I would share. I seem to have become obssessed with this stuff and read everything I can get my hands on....

Is anyone faithful anymore? Infidelity in the 21st century | Polly Vernon | Life and style | The Observer


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## LostOneForGood

So... We finally sold the Devil Mansion!!!!!:smthumbup: that was a marital home for 3 months for us, almost 9 months playground for the Devil herself..:FIREdevil:. Now reality is smacking her right on the azz!!!! She has to come up with the closing costs($6000) plus repairs and take half of the debt I have been caring since August of last year.:rofl: So Playtime has hit a brickwall on her end and it now gets to start for me as I have endured my taste of Hell....

I feel good about taking the brunt of everyhting up front and getting it out of the way, because I knew it was only temporary.. Now I have the daunting task of figuring out wtf I do now with my life....:scratchhead: I have been in a holding pattern since Aug 2012, now the shakles are being lifted, I can see the end of the tunnel, but I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of the desert with no map and no instructions...:banned2:


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## maincourse99

The fun always ends for the cheaters, real life intrudes. My ex is $30,000 in debt after only 11 months and her POSOM just got layed off. 

Looks like you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have a clean slate, create the life you want.


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