# Must be a guy thing?



## moonflower92 (Jan 9, 2013)

I've talked to friends and they say their husbands do the same thing. So thinking it must be a guy thing that I just don't "get"!

Okay my husband and I have been having problems for a long time on and off. Mostly not been good for a long time now. Anyway it's been almost 2 weeks since we have really talked about anything other than the kids and what needs to be done. Last night he comes in and is trying to be all nice and act like everything is just great. Wants to be affectionate and ect... I know what all this is leading too. He's basically gone long enough with out sex so he's trying to be all lovey. We haven't slept next to each other in a week at least or hardly said goodnight and he's wanting to spoon and ect... 

Well this just ticks me right off! I didn't say anything and we've had this discussion before. But it's like neither of us have even liked each other for 2 weeks and suddenly he's horny so everything is ok for a bit??? Maybe it's just me but I find it insulting!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ....

You,

A. used the opportunity as a launching point for addressing the issues between you and why you don't feel comfortable being intimate.

Or ...

B. Thought, "Yeah, right. Not happening." Rolled your eyes and rolled over.

Which one?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

And that is a common reason that men have affairs. He is trying to open the door and say I love you with "affection" and you would rather slam it in his face.

Do you ever take the reins in talking to him about other things, maybe cuddle up to him? And why are you not sleeping in the same bed? Short of work schedules there is no reason to sleep else where.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do you love him? 

c) let go of the resentment for a moment, have sex with him, enjoy the heck out of it. Then at an appropriate time but not too long afterwards, talk with him about this and the problems you are having in the relationship.

Having sex will bring you closer, not having sex will drive you further apart.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

or C: You have mind blowing sex.... and THEN talk to him about what the heck is going on with us????

Edited to add: Holland... gmta!


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## moonflower92 (Jan 9, 2013)

I pretty much ignored what I knew he was looking for while being nice also. I know I could of launched a big discussion but ......

1. We have been over and over our issues a hundred times, with know resolution for years.

2. It was already late and I have to get up really early for work so didn't want to start a heated debate then.

This is my first post on here and will hopefully get to discuss our other issues soon. We have been on the verge of divorce a lot but basically stay together for the kids.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ya know... after a few weeks, SOMEONE has got to give. This time it was him. Maybe because he's horny. But I'm thinking it's because he's horny AND he loves you... and whatever the problem is.... he loves you and it's not as big of a deal as you both thought it was. AND that "making love" is A CONNECTION. 

Ya know?


Well crap... Edited to add: Staying for the kids. Hmmmmmm... that is a discussion in itself There is certainly two sides to THAT coin! 

Still... staying for the kids .... focus on the bennies.... and I'd like to think SEX is one of them... or go ahead and focus on the Plan B, and figure out how to get out with the least amount of damage to the the kids. Because just as many stories that say "staying for the kids", there are as many spouting (and I can vouch) for LEAVING FOR THE KIDS! 

I know we think of all the reasons to stay for the kids.... but what about the reasons for leaving FOR the kids?

1. To SHOW them what a real marriage/ happy marriage looks like.
2. To allow them peace and love with no stressed or unhappy/odd parents
3. To let them KNOW what a strong mother as well as father...(altho I don't know that) would look like

After divorcing... and then remarrying .... my kids GET all that. They are in their 20's now (all 5 of them) and I THINK they see what REAL is. What happiness is. What MOM is. What bull**** IS NOT! 

Ya know?


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## moonflower92 (Jan 9, 2013)

We sleep in the same the bed. The sex hasn't been mind blowing in years. I may have issues with this scenario just do to my childhood. But to me it says "I don't want to talk to you about our issues or lets just keep ignoring them. I'm horny and want to use you to let off steam." I don't know ............we just have so many issues. I think many men and women see this differently. He has said I just want to be close to you, I guess I just don't believe it.


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## moonflower92 (Jan 9, 2013)

SunnyT I think your right. Things have just gotten so bad for me adn I think he doesn't really care anymore either. We have been going over the same issues for years about us basically seeing life so different and wanting different things. I do care about him and like him but I haven't felt "in love" with him for a long long time.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

moonflower92 I see your point. But men view sex differently and when the physical need arises we get a bit playful. Not that justifies giving in, but women have their quirks as well. My wifey can be all upset one minute and then want sex the next. Women seem to be able to switch emotions on a dime. It's really just one difference between us.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

It could just be agreeing to disagree and moving on with life. I don’t get what the core issues are that your two are in contention about but seriously there are some things in life where nobody is going to give and frankly it just doesn’t really matter all that much in the bigger scope of things. 

I frankly get pissy about things that Ms. Spin just doesn’t really seem to place a lot of value in and she does about me as well. But in the bigger scope of things e.g., our children, our future together and our ability to more-or-less get along and enjoy each other – so what if we’re not 100% eye-to-eye on everything.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yes, men liking sex is definitely a guy thing, obviously for many women the jury is still out on the liking sex thing.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Ya know... after a few weeks, SOMEONE has got to give. This time it was him. Maybe because he's horny. But I'm thinking it's because he's horny AND he loves you... and whatever the problem is.... he loves you and it's not as big of a deal as you both thought it was. AND that "making love" is A CONNECTION.
> 
> *Sunny has gotten this right. If you've read any at all here at TAM, men and women connect in different ways. Men feel loved and connected through sex. Women need that emotional connection before they want to engage in sex. Screwed up, ain't it?*
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Toffer makes the MOST salient point in regard to your original post, Moonflower. In regards to a SERIOUS relationship (not 'just sex'):

Men have sex and THAT makes them feel connected to a woman. 

Women have to feel CONNECTED (positively) to a man BEFORE they want to have sex with him.

Re-read that a FEW TIMES....think about it, until you REALLY GET IT, Moonflower. I am a 56yo woman and I NEVER understood the male POV until I came to TAM.


Now, if you're talking about 'just sex', hey....all bets are off! Men will have sex with a woman irregardless of whether they think she's unattractive or a b1tch. Women will ONLY have sex with a guy who's an a-hole if the woman is drunk, or trying to 'one-up' another woman, or the guy is an 11 on a scale of 1-10.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

Does anyone see a trend in life when it comes to men and women and SEX? Women will hold it hostage when they aren't getting what they want or think they want and men will do things that they might not normally do in order to get it.. It should not be this damn hard.. yet here we all are reading post after post.. Advising and getting advice to try to figure it all out.. 

Moon.. I would suggest that if you can't talk about the issues you and your H have then sit down and write them out.. After that.. Are they all really issues? Then write out all the good things that he does for for you and the relationship.. An then try to talk to him again.. Maybe its time for some IC and MC... Personally I dont think one works without other unless your M is fine and you just want IC to work out some personal issues... It is obvious that you have issues that are not being resolved and maybe he is lacking the understanding to know how important they are to you.

From my expereince so far the counselling works if both are committed and both willing to be open and honest..


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I can relate to you 100%. I have felt exactly the same way when my husband has approached me for sex or affection when we are in the middle of a fight. It took me years to see through his actions and understand what he was trying to convey to me.

One thing I can tell you about how I got there. 

My husband is not good with words. He stumbles with coming up with the right words to say. Especially during an argument and when tensions are high. He would prefer to walk away and avoid the verbal sparring than "talk it out" with me. I remember early in our marriage I saw his refusal to discuss things with me as a lack of caring about me, and lack of caring about our issues. I used to feel angry, resentful even, that I was the only one who ever seemed concerned about certain issues in our relationship and that he could carry on his life seemingly without a care in the world while I was vocally telling him how much I was hurting.

Well, eventually a light bulb moment hit me. I realized that it wasn't that he didn't care...he does care, and internalizes his pain because he does not know how to express it to me. I was always so forceful at vocalizing what I felt that he didn't have enough room or comfort to express his feelings to me. Part of it is that he's not a talker, part of it is that he is incredibly sensitive to causing me more pain when I was already telling him how upset I was to begin with. Knowing that some of the things he had going thru his mind might be hard for me to hear.

So instead he would approach me for sex, or approach me for affection. It wasn't about rugsweeping so much aa it was a momentary peace treaty from him. He was clumsily showing me that although he didn't know how to fix the problem, he still loves me and is still committed to our marriage.

So many times I reacted exactly as you did - indignant that he could even think I would want to have sex.

Then I realized, if I accept his approaches, I am showing him in his language that I still love him, too, and that I am also committed to making our marriage work. Also, the affection/sex served as a confidence booster for him. He knew then that although I can sometimes spit nails, I can put the tough exterior away and that I can simultaneously love him and be angry with him - those two emotions are not exclusive of each other (which I do believe he has a tough time believing at times). Giving him the confidence boost he needs is usually enough to make him feel safe enough to attempt to actually TALK to me, even if he stumbles over getting his point across while he does it, which is all I EVER wanted in the first place.

You can look at it as you have been, assuming his intentions are sneaky or bad and he just wants to get off, or you can look at him as a good man at his core, despite his flaws, that has good intentions. Your decision of how yo view the root of his actions is what will color the atmosphere of your narraige.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I can relate to you 100%. I have felt exactly the same way when my husband has approached me for sex or affection when we are in the middle of a fight. It took me years to see through his actions and understand what he was trying to convey to me.
> 
> One thing I can tell you about how I got there.
> 
> ...


As a man, I have used sex as a peace treaty plenty of times with my wife. Just shut up and get busy. When we are done, the tension is gone, and we can talk like normal human beings again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Notice to any woman who doesn't know this yet.

Sex for men is the ultimate form of affection, relationship affirmation and love.

In a relationship, men feel loved, feel appreciated, feel affirmed and feel connected to their partner when they have sex. We're not great with words a lot of times, we're not touchy feely sometimes, it's just who we are. BUT WE SURE CAN HAVE SEX LOL.

Notice when tensions have been high, sometimes your husband looks for sex. It's because he's not feeling secure in the relationship and if you have sex, he knows things are okay. Not that the issue doesn't need to be worked on, but at least the relationship is "safe".

OP. Try having sex with your husband, including basking in "the glow" with him afterwards...THEN then next day have a discussion that you want to have. Make sure the discussion is done in an Us versus the issue fashion not a me versus you fashion. I bet you two will be much happier long term.

You're misreading your husband. Him wanting sex is him reaching out to you. It's him looking for affirmation in the relationship and marriage and him wanting to SHOW YOU love. Women think that men "want to use me to get off steam". Men can rub one out in 5 minutes if it was just to blow off steam LOL. Men like sex with their wives because for us, it's the foundation of the relationship.


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## moonflower92 (Jan 9, 2013)

You are all right! This is such an issue with couples. He has said the same thing about wanting to be close. Of course I'm like ya right! About woman not liking sex, I think that's a huge misconception. Whats not to like?? We just want to feel loved and valued. Not only when sex is an issue. In this instance I think you are right. His intentions may have been good. But sometimes it's just like "Hey babe, where you been (just noticing wife exists ) come here and.................. 

I posted most of our issues on here which explains more what's going on. 

Thanks for the great advice and humor!! lol!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dad&Hubby said:


> OP. Try having sex with your husband, including basking in "the glow" with him afterwards...THEN then next day have a discussion that you want to have. Make sure the discussion is done in an Us versus the issue fashion not a me versus you fashion. I bet you two will be much happier long term.


As much as I LOVE sex (no better bliss under heaven).... I don't feel I could do this....the waiting till the next day to have the discussion.... I am the type that needs to have the FIGHT & have it settled before  the roll in the hay.... when me & mine fight... 99% of the time we have Make up sex ....it always leads there after the emotions & hormones were stirred.....It can't be helped. 

He's even accused me of starting fights just so we'd have Make up sex. Not true....but still...this is the best ending imaginable. 

Everyone is different here I suppose... We both hate being at odds with each other....it's like we're worthless to the world... utterly miserable... but this is a blessing as it brings us together very quickly....Only a few times in our marriage did we go to bed unsettled. 

We just stay with each other....endure the madness, talking it out...listening, both of us owning our hand in it...we may need a little coaxing but we get there...

Then once we find that peace between us.....we naturally yield to each others bodies...only in this could I give my all. It doesn't mean everything is always perfect...but it's been aired out with a renewed vow to each other, we're in this together...we'll do our best ...in whatever was troubling us.


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