# Confused, Husband told me he doesnt feel the way he used to feel.



## emptyandconfused

Background: My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 5 1/2. I am 26 and he is 29. We have two children a 6 year old little girl and a 5 month old little boy. We have had out problems off and on throughout the years with finances, in laws, random arguements about the normal stuff. Absolutely nothing that i would consider out of the ordinary of what a typical married couple deals with. 

Ok so about 3 weeks ago I took my husband our for his birthday on 9/20. We went to dinner i gave him a card and they sang him happy birthday. During dinner he seemed distant, i took note but kind of shrugged it off as him being tired. On our way home from dinner i was asking him if he was ok, and he says "I dont know". the tone of his voice sent of a warning in my mind. I asked what he meant, and he comes back with "I dont love you the way I used to love you" I was floored. I instantly started bawling and had to pull over on the side of the road to calm down. All i could say thru the sobs was do you still love me at all? He said "i dont know". He told me he thought he needed some time away but didnt want to be away from the kids. So he went to his mothers house that weekend 9//2-9/24and took the kids with him. I spent the weekend alone crying and trying to figure out where things went wrong because up until his birthday things were great.He came home Sunday night and i was so excited to see him. He didnt feel the same. Later that night he informed me that he still didnt know what he wanted and that he was going to go back to his moms the following weekend alone to try and clear his head and gather his thoughts and try to figure out what he wants to do. I was unhappy about it but i let him go because i respect his feelings and i want him to be happy. But it really bothered me because my daughter came to me over the weekend and asked why her daddy didnt want to stay home with her. How was i supposed to answer that? I just told her that daddy wanted to spend some time with his mommy and would be home soon. When he came home Sunday he proceeded to tell me that he still didnt know what he wanted which is what i expected . We go thru the motions of day to day life but its empty. I wake him up with a kiss every morning but he doesnt really kiss me back. I give him hugs every chance I get but he doesnt really hug me back. I try to get him to be intimate with me but he acts like he isnt interested. I've gotten him to be intimate one time and it felt like he wasnt there at all. I actually thought he wasnt going to finish, but he did. He continue's to tell me he just doesnt know what he wants. I'm trying to do anything and everything I can to show him how much I love him and appreciate him but it feels like I'm just beating my head against a brick wall, and a person can only hit there head against the wall so many times before they lose consciousness. I love him more than anything and when I married him I meant it forever. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I have always vowed that I would do everything within my power to keep my marriage together. I dont want to become a statistic. I want to be the best wife and mother I possibly can be to my husband and children but I just dont know what to do to get him to let me back in. Any advice at all is welcome.


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## Braelynn21203

I think the best thing for you to do is to let your husband take this time to think. It seems to me that the more you try to make him see how much you care and love him, the more he wants to shy away. Right now he's not in a state of mind to think. He's in his "man cave". And it's best not to bother him while he's in that state, because it disrupts his thinking and it will only take longer. Just reassure him you're there when and if he wants to talk and for right now just enjoy spending time with your kids.

And I think you need to think as well. What are you going to do if he wants a divorce? I know it's hard, but it's something I feel you should think about and have some sort of plan in case things go bad. Think about it and be prepared for it. But also be prepared for him to come home and stay.


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## ButterflyKisses

Is it possible he's having an affair?


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## emptyandconfused

The thought has crossed my mind, but I did confront him wiith that and he swears he isnt having an affair. I'm friends with his boss so I know when he gets to work and when he leaves and the only time we really arent around each other is when we are at work, and then the 2 weekends where he went to his moms, but his mom would tell me if he left her house and where he went because she thinks he is handlign things all wrong and that he has no business putting me through all this grief. She feels he should be a man and find solutions to his issues that involve keeping his family together instead of using the excuse of "i dont know". (those are all her words nto mine) I have also been a little sneaky and gone through his phone, facebook, and email. I know thats wrong but I'm scare that I'm losing my husband. I feel as if I dont do everything possible then I will look back and regret it.


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## AWife

You weren't wrong by checking his phone, email, etc. You were perfectly justified in being suspicious. An affair is the first thing I thought. Maybe just giving him his space is the best thing to do for now. I'm glad to hear his mom is there and supportive of your marriage. Good luck!


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## Diamondsrbff

I am in the same boat with you...after 22 yrs of marriage my Husband told me that he didn't love me any more and needed time away & needs to think...he has been moved out into a small apartment for 2 months now. He comes by and visits our 2 teenagers but does not want to discuss what is happening & refuses to go for counseling. His parents as well have supported me and think he has lost his mind. 

Everyone has told me to focus on me...which I'm trying to do but it's hard..the pain is unbelievable at times...surround yourself with friends & family that support you. I also have started acting as if I don't need him, I am friendly but I don't let him see me long for him when he leaves or show him any affection. I've been told that they usually want what they can't have so if they think they are losing us maybe that will make them come to their senses. 

Hang in there..it will get easier but you will have rough days...keep your friends close.


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## AliceA

It's disturbing how often this seems to happen. People fall in love, and think the feeling will just magically stay there through thick and thin, with barely any effort at all. If your husband thinks this is all just about his feelings for YOU, he's very wrong. If he flakes out on this marriage, history will just repeat itself with every other long term relationship he has, because he'll always be the common factor, someone who gives up instead of fighting for the dream he had when he said 'I do'.

Try reading 'Getting the love you want'. Maybe also visit this website, read the basic concepts and both of you fill out the questionnaires.

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Have you talked to him about marriage counseling?


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## emptyandconfused

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and advice. I've brought up marriage counseling and he says he is willing to go, but he feels that since its not like we fight or have any issues like that he's not sure that it will help anything. On one hand I understand him but at the same time I told him i think it will help because it will give him someone to talk to and maybe they will be able to make sense of all the jumbled up thoughts and feelings in his head and help him to voice them to me. I've been reading alot of things online lately trying to help myself make sense of everything and from what I've read I've been doing all the wrong thing (go figure). Everything I've read says I shouldnt be begging him to stay and showing him how much of an emotional mess I am, and thats exactly what I've been doing. Some of the things I've read say that it is a good sign that he is still at home with me and that he hasnt completely made up his mind to leave, they said that his actions of not leaving yet show that deep down he still cares and he may be willing to work on things even if he doesnt seem to realize it yet. Then other things I have read say that the last thing to go in a relationship is the intimacy. Well as I said in my first post, he doesnt want to be intimate with me. I have tried many many times and he comes back with the same response, "I think we should wait until I decide what I want". I finally asked him if he was scared that I may get pregnant again or was he just not attracted to me? He came back saying that he is a little concerned about getting me a pregnant (which I HIGHLY doubt will happen, if anyone wants to know ill explain more later..just ask) and then he said "It's not that I'm not attracted to you". What does that mean? I'm sorry for the long rambling post's, I dont really have any close friends that I can talk to, So right now this page is my lifeline. It really helps and means alot to me to have you all responding to me with your thoughts and advice.


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## AliceA

He's put you on hold at the moment. You could spend the time fruitlessly begging him through actions and words to stay with you, which will be more likely to drive him away I think, or you could stop, reflect, and decide that now is the time to search your own feelings.

What do you really want out of the marriage?
Have all your needs been met so far? What are your needs?
Are there things he was doing, before the 'not in love with you' speech that were love busters for you? (refer to the website I linked for an explanation on love busters)

Think about what your goals are outside of the marriage. Personal goals. Maybe he fell in love with a different woman. What has changed for you, other than maturing? Have you given up on parts of yourself, like maybe ambition, drive, enthusiasm, or independence. This might be a good time to start exploring who you are without your husband. You are part of this marriage too. What you feel matters. It's not all about him just because he's the one having doubts.


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## MataHari

emptyandconfused said:


> Background: My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 5 1/2. I am 26 and he is 29. We have two children a 6 year old little girl and a 5 month old little boy. We have had out problems off and on throughout the years with finances, in laws, random arguements about the normal stuff. Absolutely nothing that i would consider out of the ordinary of what a typical married couple deals with.
> 
> Ok so about 3 weeks ago I took my husband our for his birthday on 9/20. We went to dinner i gave him a card and they sang him happy birthday. During dinner he seemed distant, i took note but kind of shrugged it off as him being tired. On our way home from dinner i was asking him if he was ok, and he says "I dont know". the tone of his voice sent of a warning in my mind. I asked what he meant, and he comes back with "I dont love you the way I used to love you" I was floored. I instantly started bawling and had to pull over on the side of the road to calm down. All i could say thru the sobs was do you still love me at all? He said "i dont know". He told me he thought he needed some time away but didnt want to be away from the kids. So he went to his mothers house that weekend 9//2-9/24and took the kids with him. I spent the weekend alone crying and trying to figure out where things went wrong because up until his birthday things were great.He came home Sunday night and i was so excited to see him. He didnt feel the same. Later that night he informed me that he still didnt know what he wanted and that he was going to go back to his moms the following weekend alone to try and clear his head and gather his thoughts and try to figure out what he wants to do. I was unhappy about it but i let him go because i respect his feelings and i want him to be happy. But it really bothered me because my daughter came to me over the weekend and asked why her daddy didnt want to stay home with her. How was i supposed to answer that? I just told her that daddy wanted to spend some time with his mommy and would be home soon. When he came home Sunday he proceeded to tell me that he still didnt know what he wanted which is what i expected . We go thru the motions of day to day life but its empty. I wake him up with a kiss every morning but he doesnt really kiss me back. I give him hugs every chance I get but he doesnt really hug me back. I try to get him to be intimate with me but he acts like he isnt interested. I've gotten him to be intimate one time and it felt like he wasnt there at all. I actually thought he wasnt going to finish, but he did. He continue's to tell me he just doesnt know what he wants. I'm trying to do anything and everything I can to show him how much I love him and appreciate him but it feels like I'm just beating my head against a brick wall, and a person can only hit there head against the wall so many times before they lose consciousness. I love him more than anything and when I married him I meant it forever. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I have always vowed that I would do everything within my power to keep my marriage together. I dont want to become a statistic. I want to be the best wife and mother I possibly can be to my husband and children but I just dont know what to do to get him to let me back in. Any advice at all is welcome.


Hi, I wonder where are you standing right now. I am in exactly the same situation as you are except that I was not told so after his birthday celebrations but after we both came back from a business trip (he travels a lot and I rarely do). I would like to keep in touch with you to understand more of what is happenning to me, to us....I have two young children and I love him so much, I cannot bare see us falling apart.
Hope to read from you soon.


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## dontunderstandit

This is all sounding so familiar. For me I have been married 15 years and my hubby suddenly tells me that things aren't the same and he doesn't know if he wants to fight for "us". He says he isnt going anywhere but at the same time it feels like he has already left me emotionally. The more I try to bring us closer, the more he pulls away. For me this has been a wake up call and has made me want to fight for "us" and make it work. I have become vulnerable and dependent, but it seems he still "doesn't know" if he wants to work on it. He says he likes his space, he goes out with mates a lot and has late nights while I look after the kids. I feel lost, lonely and devastated. Self preservation feels tempting and "shutting off" feels more and more appealing. However I feel if I do this I will be sealing our marriage's fate. Any advise would be great. How do I help keep this marriage afloat, how do I increase the chances of him wanting us to succeed? How do I preserve my sanity and dignity while still still being open despite the hurt? So confused!


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## jamesa

Read this NY Times article on this very issue. I thought it was excellent.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all


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## greeneyeddolphin

First thing: as you have already found, being loving isn't helping right now. He's having doubts, and you being loving is making him feel smothered, and probably guilty, too, which only pushes him further away. So, while I don't think you should be a b*tch to him, you should back off. 

Second: in regard to counseling, he says you have no issues and don't fight. You need to explain to him that if he's having doubts, that means you do have issues; they just haven't been identified yet. If there were no issues, there would be no doubts. The counseling can help identify the issues, determine if they can be resolved, and then help resolve them. 

Third: It kind of sounds like he's just drifting along, waiting for either something better to come along, or for you to get fed up and tell him you want out, so he can alleviate his own guilt by saying you decided you wanted out so it's not his fault. You need to tell him that while you understand he's confused, he needs to figure out what he wants. You can't live in limbo like this forever. It's not fair to you, to the kids, and really, not even to him. Whether he stays or goes, a decision needs to be made so that everyone can begin moving forward, whatever direction that happens to be. 

I know this has to be hard on you. And no matter what happens, things are still going to be hard. Even if he stays, things will be hard while you try to get back on track. Counseling will be helpful there, as well. 

One last thought, and I know this isn't a pleasant one, but it needs to be done: Consider what you will do if he decides he wants out. Plan any job changes you might need to make, daycare/school options you might have to look at, where you and the kids will live, what you might need to ask for in terms of child support and/or alimony in the event of a divorce. It'll be unnecessary if he decides to stay, but if he decides to go, it's better that you be prepared and have some ideas of what you need/want to do, rather than feeling blindsided and trying to figure out what to do at that point.


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## Trenton

Live your life as if he weren't in it. I know this might be the hardest thing to do right now and seems like an impossibility but regaining your sole self back right now is in your best interest for two HUGE reasons.
1. If you become more of you he very well might fall back in love with you as you have probably become an us or a Mom or whatever other titles you have. All of this drains the you.
2. Hopefully in seeing you he will come back but if he doesn't, you will be more prepared for the loss and difficult times you and your family will be facing.


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## credamdóchasgra

People have already given so much good advice, and I wanted to add one thought:

It sounds like he's being as honest as he can. The fact that he is willing to go to counseling and that he still "doesn't know" are two things that tell you he has not completely walked away from your marriage.

Do you have an appointment made for counseling yet? I would get that set up, and in the mean time do everything you can to stay strong and take good care of yourself right now.


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## Daisie

Dear all,
I am afraid I have to add to the problem with my experience, rather than offer a solution. My problem similar to above - My husband doesn't know what he wants to do with the marriage(affection, intimacy gone), but cannot say he's finished, nor lets have a second chance. We are openly talking, but he still needs time to make up his mind.
Our pre-history. Married 5 years, together 7 years, have got to lovely kids, 6 and 1. Both quite young (i'm 30, he's 27). Had our rocky times, where he was acting irresponsibly(drinking, gambling, but not excesively) and i was very feisty in return, sometimes abusive, when he would get very drunk. I always tried to persevere, and he loved me unconditionally. So things would be good very soon after the problem. Until next time. I knew I might be taking advantage of his feelings to me and being feisty, nagging, grumpy and a bit too much 'us' (I come from abroad and we live in his home country UK). But I thought that I have good aims for our family and it was him, who was a bit laid back, less responsible, sometimes acting immature. 
Now he doubts everything. He opened up to me saying ,that he was bottling his negative response to my feisty actions, swallowing it and persevering. Obviously, he knew it was part of his fault too, but could not fully justify my actions, which I agree where disproportionation to the problem sometimes. He mostly fed up is with disrespect, that I would show to him when he would get drunk, lack of support at work matters, and probably generally feeling pushed over as a man (we are both quite a strong personalities) 
Anyway, he is now seeing his friends to talk about things . We spoke at length as well. I told him that I cannot justify my actions in the past, that hurt him fully, that i often acted like a spoiled little girl, demanding alot to myself(I was 3rd and spoiled daughter in my family). Unfortunately, things became obvious when it is sometimes a bit late. I told him, that I am prepared to start addressing the issues and work on our marriage, addressing his needs. I love him and we both are good friends, help each other to pursue our aims.
But after writing this up, seems like i have screwed things alot myself and can blame myself for a large part of the situation. He feels very uneasy about his confusion, about hurting us, about the fact that he does not know what he feels for me and whether he can stay in this marriage. He asked if we could stay friends if we parted.We spoke how we would live if separated. He shows signs of care to me, but affection is gone. We are both are stressed, do not eat well, ad sleep poorly (in separate beds) have the feeling of nausea and both loosing weight. 
I think he is really kind hearted and tries hard, but I fear the detrimental damage that has possibly affected our marriage permanently. 
I would appreciate the opinion of others.
I have been reading up alot and found this helpful, perhaps you may so too. My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore: What Can Or Should I Do? Tips And Advice To Help You Restore His Love
Many thanks


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## MataHari

Hi Daisie, just read your post. I am also in a desperate situation. I also live away from my home country. We have been married for over ten years now and have two kids aged 9 & 5. He travels a lot for his work and I also work full time. Two weeks ago, we both came back from a business trip, the kids were on school holidays with their grand parents. On that night, he went all emotional and sobbing revealed to me that he has this weird feeling and is attracted by other women. He told me that he almost went to bed with someone else while on his trip. He told me that he has been feeling lonely and that I do not show any feelings. He told me that he does not want me to be just his legal wife or mother of his children, he needs me as his friend as his lover etc etc. I was just shocked and confused. I had not seen this coming although a few times before he has been asking me if I still love him, if I don't miss him when he is gone etc. In fact I do love him a lot, I miss him when he is away but over time I have got used to having to cope with a full time job, household, two kids and all that comes with it. Obviously I have become complacent and completely ignored his signals. I was always so confident of his sincerity, fidelity and love. Now we are still together but since that night, I have been feeling so miserable and lonely. He told me that right now he is all empty and does not know for long it will go on, it may take days, weeks, months or years.....I cannot imagine being in this situation. He said that this has already been like this for a long time. I blame him for not being more specific about it earlier on. He maintains that he has been sending signals and that now he has no feelings anymore....he used to be so loving, gentle and caring. He still cares but maintains that he is at a dead end. It was just impossible to talk about it all at first, I only kept thinking of the worse, him seeing another woman, etc....our whole world falling apart, our kids going through a broken marriage, you name it.....After a few days of misery, crying, not eating not sleeping, I decided to get hold of myself. I have been reading a lot online as well. I went on to buy some new clothes, started using make up again, well trying to look attractive without overdoing things. I did not get any compliments from him but instead it was coming from my colleagues or even some stranger on the street!! I have been doing this for me but mainly for him, I think this is a natural reaction from a woman feeling rejected. I have tried talking to him two days ago, explaining my feelings of hurt, guilt and explaining that I still care for him and wants to see him happy again. He keeps telling me that right now he is all empty and at a dead end. I mentionned my apprehension of a broken marriage and want to do everything not to let it happen. He seemed all surprised that I was already at the point of deciding who will move out or what will happen to the kids etc. I explained that it was such a shock two weeks ago that now I am also preparing for the worse......I hate myself for that. I wish I could be more convincing. I have to mention that the main issue in all these is that I never show my feelings. When it comes to intimacy, he is always the one making the first move. It's true but that's how things have always been between us. I love him although I don't explicitly show it....i never rejected him and we always enjoy having sex once he initiates it. The first days that followed the revelation, I made all the efforts possible to be close to him, to touch him, to hug, to caress and tell him how much i love him. On the other hand, there was no reaction. After a few days though while trying to get some more assurance, he mentionned that he had never seen me like this before, all loving and caring......it's amazing but it's a fact that men are just hopeless at reading women's mind.....we really have to be physical.....to sum it up, he told me that he does not know what to do that I need to give him time but he does not know how long this will take; that he is trying to act as normally as possible, work wise, at home with the kids and with everything else, except emotionally where he feels empty....I cannot help but take this personally. Today he left for another trip. After some talking two days ago, yesterday was a normal day, him being more approachable. Last night I gave him a short massage and left it to that. This morning we even made love, although I can tell that he is still not himself, make me wonder whether he just does not want to make me feel rejected and humiliated......It is so difficult. I want to get my loving husband and father of my kids back. I have been reading a lot online and I am trying to be positive and try to behave as normal as possible but it is extremely difficult and painful.....I am not looking for solutions, but it helps sharing this on the forum and I would welcome any comments which will help me carry on through this unknown future.....


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