# She doesn't share my fetishes; now what?



## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

I'm a bit self-conscious coming on here. Fetishism isn't something I find easy to talk about, even if mine are, I suppose, very mild: women in latex, PVC, black leather boots, that sort of thing. Wearing it myself does nothing for me. Power is something of a turn-on but I don't fantasise over dominatrices. I'm not into sadomasochism.

The other thing to point out is that my marriage is in trouble. I have spent the last 18 months battling a major depressive episode, and during this time I have fallen out of love with my wife. The turning point, I suppose, was when the depression counsellor I'd been seeing drew attention to the fact that my wife and I did not have any sort of sexual relationship. Sex between us has always been vanilla; for awhile, it was fantastic. But in between, I pleased myself quite a bit, indulging myself in the fantasies she wasn't interested in ("that's not my style"). It's become physically impossible for me to have intercourse with my wife now; she's become a turn off.

My wife and have are now seeing a psychosexual therapist. So far, it has not brought us any closer together, although I've learned a lot about myself and where things have gone wrong. The therapist is trying to get us to share our fantasies, but we both find this hard to do. Part of the reason for this is what happened in my first marriage. My first wife humoured my fetishes during the early years of the marriage; she bought some boots and a PVC catsuit and one or two other things. But they did nothing for her, and because of that it did nothing for me. Part of the turn-on for me is that the other person is turned on too; the thought of my wife wearing things "just for me" on is actually a turn-off.

Over the last few weeks, as my depression has begun to lift, I have come to the conclusion I need to start again, with someone a little more sexually compatible. After fifteen years, it's a gut-wrenching decision, because I care about my wife and value her companionship enormously. In many ways, she is a remarkable woman. But I do not want sex to consist solely of solitary pursuits. I'm a terrific guy; I deserve better. My wife deserves better, too.

Equally, though, I am scared. I have no real desire to be part of the fetish scene, going to clubs and that sort of thing. And I'm a bit long in the tooth for the woman-of-my-dreams stuff. I remember my time as a single person, and how difficult it was to find someone I could connect with and was attracted to. The sexual dimension was always an afterthought (it was how I was brought up, I now realise; good girls don't, etc.). The sort of women who wear the kind of clothes that turn me on didn't seem to be interested in me; they seemed to be more interested in what kind of car I drove. And, in my limited experience, I found wasn't that interested in them as people. Making an emotional connection with someone is as important to me as making a sexual connection.

I am, alas, neary 50 years old -- and, as the therapist has pointed out, in leaving my wife I run a fair risk of spending the rest of my life on my own, however terrific a guy I may be. But how big a risk do I run? How likely am I to find someone? Or am I looking at this the wrong way?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I also do not share the same sexual fantasies. So i feel your frustration there. This is how i view staying or leaving: I know, beyond a doubt, i can find someone whos sexual appetite matches mine. that's a gimmie. sex is common and its not hard to find. But i dont think i can find a man that is like my H in all other ways. I know there is no relationship that is perfect and there will always be something that is not exactly what i want. It comes down to what you want to compromise on. So i think in deciding to leave your wife you have to consider if you think you can find someone else like her. You can find someone that will share your sex fetishes. that is the easy part. But there will always be something else you have to compromise on. If you cant compromise on this it is very likely you will not be happy in any relationship. that's just how i see it.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think you need to decide exactly where sex ranks in your priorities in life. Is it really that important that you're willing to sacrifice everything else that might be wonderful about your relationship with her? Personally, my boyfriend and I have a sex life that is...not boring, but not as active as I would like. Yes, I could leave him and in all likelihood, find someone with whom I could have sex more frequently. But the likelihood of that man loving me the way my boyfriend does, caring for me, working hard to care for our family, my two children that aren't even his, who's willing to love my kids as though they were his, is much slimmer. I feel the other things he gives me are much more important than the sex. The sex is just a bonus in my book. I love it, I'd love more of it, but given the choice of more sex or the other great things I get from him, I'll take the other great things hands down. 

If you really feel the sexual compatibility is that important, then I guess you do what you gotta do. You seem to have already realized there is that risk of spending the rest of your life alone, and to have grasped that it might prove difficult to fully embrace your fetish since you can't/won't be comfortable in the clubs and such. Knowing those things, if you still feel it's that important and that worth it, then I guess you know what you're doing and you make the choice that works best for you.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Get over it is the now what part I think.

let me share a little,

I am a very perverted kinky little girl. I have very few limitations, and I love play of a bdsm nature. there isn't anything my husband couldn't do to me.

My only real limitations are groups, I prefer one on one.

that being said, try finding a normal decent guy that wants to tie you up, beat you, dump wax on you and consistently degrade and..you know, that is good for conversation and values women.

you can't have everything, sometimes you have to settle for less. (aside from my recent problems) my husband loves me, has always been good to me, is always there for me, is respectful of me, doesn't talk down to me he's a fantastic giant lovey bear. (or was anyhow)

however, in the bedroom it's different. He doesn't really like to go as all out as he could, but he's learned to cooperate with me on it for..good reasons. He also had to learn dominance, since he is typically more submissive and is a "love maker" (I am not, I hate the whole "romantic" thing)

we don't completely agree, he caved a little for me, but my point is, you can't have everything. whats more important, love and companionship or kinky dirty sex?

that one is up to you.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

It seems to me you and your therapist both are looking at this the wrong way because he is leading you in the directions you are now headed. Yet, the following sentence is a contradiction in terms and contradicts everything else you have done and said.



Qwertyuiop said:


> Making an emotional connection with someone is as important to me as making a sexual connection.


You say you care about and value your wife, but then you say the sentence. I presume you married her for the emotional connection. So then if that is equally as important as a sexual connection, then why are you leaving her for not being sexually compatible? Do you see the inconsistency?

Moreover, you seem to be trying to weigh your likelihood of success after leaving the marriage as a determinant. Either leave her or don't, but your eligibility ratio compared with luck should not be reason to stay or go. 

It seems to me you are as misguided as you are confounded. You're listening to the wrong person even though I certainly understand a therapist is someone you automatically trust. He convinced you that your marriage lacks a sexual relationship. First of all, I don't get that being something someone else had to point out to you. Second of all, you admit that the sex between you and her was at one time fantastic. My problem in understanding this is why the therapist did not develop that fact to help the two of you get back to being fantastic? Instead, he has placed you in a precarious state swinging somewhere between depression and confusion. You did not make these realizations or decisions on your own. He lead you down this road and then drops a lug of doubt in your ear so you second guess the decision you think you made. WTF?

Find another therapist, one who is pro-marriage instead of one who leads people down the road to divorce.

Finally, if you want to know your risk factor, it is easy to calculate. All you have to do is look up the data. You'll have to be a little creative because I doubt you will find information on "women who like to dress up like dominatrices but are not dominatrices." And I guess you'd have to consider the number of them who live in your.....city?.....state?.....within 1000 miles?.....unless you'd be open to relocating to.....Germany (j/k).

Additionally, if you find a sweet thing you connect with emotionally, the greater likelihood is, just like the others, she will humor your fetish for a time and then grow bored after realizing it's an imposition and "not her style" because you insist that she like it too. Of course, I'm sure you realize most people just appreciate that their partner is willing to please them. The other person doesn't always have to like it necessarily. What they like is pleasing the other person.

You get the feeling I think you're asking too much? I could be wrong though. I don't know anything about the s&m community who are not actually into s&m.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

CLucas976, are you my wife!? That's the same exact thing I had to do for mine!! It is tough belittling your wife and degrading her in bed, it goes against everything we are taught!! But the way she's wired, doing that for her is vey important, so I learned to do it for her. Although (not to toot my own horn) I am a good actor so she has no problem beleiving im totally into it even though i'd rather have the typical lace, soft porn, etc kinda sex.

I think it's easier for us guys to adjust to our wives fetishes then the other way around. I mean lets face it, if in the end it means us getting sex, generally most of us guys will do anything.

And Qwerty, You have to go with what's really important and core to you. If your fetishes are that core to you, then you have to make that choice, otherwise you will just wither away.


----------



## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

I appreciate the comments everyone.


----------



## BlazinD (Oct 15, 2010)

Qwertyuiop said:


> I'm a bit self-conscious coming on here. Fetishism isn't something I find easy to talk about, even if mine are, I suppose, very mild: women in latex, PVC, black leather boots, that sort of thing. Wearing it myself does nothing for me. Power is something of a turn-on but I don't fantasise over dominatrices. I'm not into sadomasochism.
> 
> The other thing to point out is that my marriage is in trouble. I have spent the last 18 months battling a major depressive episode, and during this time I have fallen out of love with my wife. The turning point, I suppose, was when the depression counsellor I'd been seeing drew attention to the fact that my wife and I did not have any sort of sexual relationship. Sex between us has always been vanilla; for awhile, it was fantastic. But in between, I pleased myself quite a bit, indulging myself in the fantasies she wasn't interested in ("that's not my style"). It's become physically impossible for me to have intercourse with my wife now; she's become a turn off.
> 
> ...


Don't worry about the hassles of finding another woman...the internet is a great place to meet women that share your fetishes/fantasies...there are a ton of sites to find like minded people without physically going to the club/underground scene etc. 

As far as spending the rest of your life alone: pure speculation. Ask yourself this: Would you rather be in a marriage that does ZERO for you sexually just so you're not alone or hook up with multiple partners have a blast sexually with the possibility of dating/marrying one of them? 

You only live once dude.


----------

