# Some advice please



## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Hey gals, I really need some input from you. You have probably read my posts in the Finacial problems in marriage section. So you know that my H and I have been having a very difficult time for the last 4 years.
Now its worse because I am now out of a job. 
Here's the thing. Im not happy. Haven't been in a long time. I have been getting really short tempered with my H which has led to calling him all sorts of names. But he still loves me despite that. I don't feel the same way about him tho. 
Sex is pretty infrequent. I only do it when Im incredibly horney and need some kind of release. 
Now your wondering why I don't divorce him. Well for one thing, no money to be able to take care of myself, H refuses to sell the house and get out from under this finacial burden. I have tried to talk to him twice about it, but he absolutely will not.
I guess my question is: How do I live within such an unhappy circumstance. If I can't divorce, what can I do to lead a more happy life.? Im feeling so alone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stop with holding sex from your husband and start acting like his wife,

most men shut down when they have a selfish vandictive wife who uses sex as a weapon.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You need to make yourself happy, don't put that on your husband. We can only make ourselves happy. We all contribute to our situations and can change it by making good ripples on the pond of life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

bab1957 said:


> Hey gals, I really need some input from you. You have probably read my posts in the Finacial problems in marriage section. So you know that my H and I have been having a very difficult time for the last 4 years.
> Now its worse because I am now out of a job.
> So sorry to hear about this. Financial difficulties and unemployment is very hard on a marriage.
> Here's the thing. Im not happy. Haven't been in a long time. I have been getting really short tempered with my H which has led to calling him all sorts of names. But he still loves me despite that. I don't feel the same way about him tho.
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start by spending 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household/financial/kids things. When you're dating, the PEA chemicals are flying and you 'feel' in love. PEAs only last about 3 years; after that, you have to WORK at staying in love. One of the best ways is to spend that time together like when you were dating.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

so you're only staying because you can't afford to leave? So essentially what you're doing is leeching off a man you don't even appear to like any more and showing utter contempt whilst doing it?

I've got some advice - get some pride, get off your as*, get a job and support yourself, then leave him for someone who actually wants him and can support him


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Im not withholding sex because Im being vindictive, its because I don't enjoy it. For years its been the same old same old. missionary, or giving him a bj. And yes, I tried to get him to try new things. But thats kind of hard to do when he loses his erection just changing positions, and then can't get it back. 
And for years he didn't want to admit he might have a problem. I asked him to please go see his doctor and discuss it. But his excuse was that there was nothing wrong, and besides we didn't have the money for a doctors visit. I said I didn't care, I would pay for the doctors visit. Does that sound like someone who didn't care about her husbands emotional and physical needs?
My frustration and anger comes from being the only provider in the household for almost 5 years, while he sits on his butt. Yes this kind of thing takes its toll on the male psyche, but he needs to help financialy. He is 62, and could take his SS early, but he wont do that either, or his union pension. He wants to wait.
By the way, when my H lost his job, and for three years into his being unemployed, I was very supportive. Believing that he would eventually find a job. I didn't nag him or bug him about his job hunting. 
It finaly got to the point were I didn't think I could take the pressure or burden that was put on me, but I have muddled through. 
And maybe I have lost some respect for my H. Manipulative and self serving? No.
How could I be leeching off him if you mean financialy when Im the one supporting this household? That doesn't make sence, would you care to explain that one?.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, I change my mind then, if he hasn't worked in 5 years. I have NO respect for a man who lets his wife support him. None.

Get your ducks in a row, find out what resources your city has for helping you find a job, and focus on that. Start putting money away, even if it's just a dollar a week. Mentally, just knowing that you're growing a savings account will help you move on.

What do you do for work? Degree? Training?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Talk to a lwayer and see if you can set up some kind of financing deal that they'll get paid from the proceeds of the house sale.

are you in a community property state? If so, and the house was acquired during the marriage, half the proceeds of the sale are yours. Unfortunately, so is half the debt you've acquired. Sit down and do the math to see if it works.

Is there a relative or friend who would loan the money to you?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ok, sorry I take it back! didn't realise you'd been supporting him all that time

it's never wise to allow that to happen for too long, resentment grows....


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Unfortunatly, I don't have anyone who I can borrow money from.
I was a sales associate at a department store. I have a couple irons in the fire when it comes to a job. Im getting unemployement which helps a little. My H found out he can get extended unemployment even tho his ran out quite a while back, so that will help a little.
I had a real bad case of insomnia and was awake all night. Didn't get to sleep till after 7:00am this morning. I lay there in bed looking at my sleeping husband and wondered if we could ever get back what we had. Five years ago I was very happy and content with my marriage. Now......
Im in an emotional rut. You are right, I need to do things to make myself happy. Its hard to dig myself out tho. 
Being together just about all the time puts a strain on things too. I don't believe a couple should be joined at the hip. Its not good. With all this togetherness, he gets on my nerves.
God I miss getting together with my friends. Thats the one thing that gave me joy. (sigh)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ditch him and come to Houston. The lowest cost of living in the country, we're already recovered from the economy, house prices are on the rise, and we have more jobs than you can apply for.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you hang out with your friends?


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## DgoDamia (May 18, 2012)

I had to respond to this post after some of the really mean posts that people have written here.

I completely understand why you do not want to have sex with your husband. Like you, I am unhappy in my marriage and resentful for many past hurts. For me, I just don't want him to touch me. I try to comply and compromise (to have sex) with a good attitude, but it only serves to make me feel unloved, dirty and even more resentful.

I wish I had some helpful advice to give you. Maybe there is a Women's Resource center in your area.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I had a falling out with the group of friends I used to hang out with. They were really dear to me, and when they betrayed and lied to me,
it felt like someone carved my heart out, threw it on the ground and stomped on it.
Thank you all for your replies. It has given me something to think about. I appreciate it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now's a great time to meet new friends. Join a club or take a class. Do something to be around people.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> Start by spending 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household/financial/kids things. When you're dating, the PEA chemicals are flying and you 'feel' in love. PEAs only last about 3 years; after that, you have to WORK at staying in love. One of the best ways is to spend that time together like when you were dating.


:iagree::iagree: My husband and I have been together for five years. We keep the spark by going out on dates all the time. It doesn't have to be elaborate-some of our most fun dates are simply buying ice cream and walking in a park holding hands.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I actually look for my city's websites for things to do, and it will always list a ton of free things.


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## kseher77 (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> stop with holding sex from your husband and start acting like his wife,
> 
> most men shut down when they have a selfish vandictive wife who uses sex as a weapon.


I agree this but my husband is verp open.He dam care even if I sex with anyone else


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