# So angry at husband!



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

[Aside: I know the majority of posts (mine included) are usually negative and full of problems, but I guess that's the purpose of these forums: To vent and seek help. I intend to write a positive post about my husband in the near future because too much of these paint a pretty awful picture of our marriage and I want to remind myself it's not all _that_ bad, but right now I need get this out.]

I'm _so_ angry at my husband right now. 

I've been having minor issues with my car. To the point I'm not comfortable driving it apart from to/from work; my mother's and errands that are literally on the way to/from work. My husband is aware of how I feel.

Long story short, we were out to dinner with his family. We drove separately because the restaurant was down the street from the apartment and I was to go visit my mom and do the laundry (we live in an apartment and the machines here are junk) and he had soccer practice.

I went back to the apartment after dinner to grab something for my mom and my car wouldn't start. I called my husband to see if he could determine what was wrong. No problem. After some tweaking, it started. Barely. It was making this awful sound and shaking and smelled like gas. I HAD to go back to my mom's because all of our laundry was there as well as the dog. I asked him to follow me to my mom's because I was worried it would die. Also, I don't have a phone so if anything goes wrong I'm screwed so I felt it was pretty important he follow me. 

He was beyond bothered at my request. Apparently, missing a soccer practice was out of the question. Feeling like my safety was of no concern to him I was pissed. He then went on tell me that it will probably get there safe. PROBABLY. Well, what happens if I get there and it won't start again? He tells me he'll come grab me after practice, but I didn't want to wait around until 10 PM for him to get there. Again, I don't think this was an out of line expectation. Then he told me to drop him off at practice, go to my mom's and pick him back up. We'd worry about the car in the morning. His suggestion has me driving around the entire city. All of this is so he can get to practice and does **** all for our current problem. (How will I get to work in the morning?)

My suggestion was to have it towed to the dealership NOW then have him drop me off at my mom's. I would take a cab to work (no transit) and organize my car from there. This, of course, would means he needs to miss practice as we'd have to wait for the tow and he'd have to drive me back to my mom's then back home again after we grabbed everything. IMO, this was a no-brainer, but he seemed to think this was all very inconvenient.

I'm getting more and more pissed that he's showing no concern for my current situation. 

I was above begging him to follow me to my mom's so I just told him to go to his practice and if I get there I get there. So he follows me and is all "I told you it'd get here fine." I'm still pissed because I now have to finish my laundry and see if it starts back up. If it doesn't, he'll be at practice on the other end of the city. He asks why I'm angry and I told him I'm pissed that he's placing a stupid soccer practice over my safety, organization of the car and me getting to work in the morning. 

His response? "You don't want me to play soccer anymore, do you?"

EXCUSE ME? I was beyond pissed now. He's made it all about him. Not to mention his reasoning was just... Odd.

Admittedly, we've had issues with the sport lately. In sum, they contracted a lot of new players so he gets no playing time. I DID tell him months ago I think it's absolutely stupid for him to spend his Sunday evenings away from his family to sit on a bench. He was the star player last year and I told him I think he needed to speak up and demand more playing time or he can walk. (He can easily find a new team.) I know he's been sensitive that I've stopped watching him and the main reason is because he doesn't play! I have a lot to do on a Sunday night and watching my husband sit there isn't one of them.

Anyway, I'm just so angry! Not just that he put a sport above me, but because he had no concern for my safety when I told him I was not comfortable driving. He made me feel of such little importance and like a bother. Like I was interfering with his day.

He went to soccer practice and I went to my mom's. Luckily, my car did start, but I'll have to take it in in the morning. (I'm not even confident it will start then.)

I've never been made to feel so small over what seemed to be such a simple thing. Wife in distress and mutual property trumps a stupid soccer practice. His lack of concern the way he victimized himself has me so angry.

I'm usually very vocal and all about a conversation, but I've asked him to sleep on the couch. I know if I talk to him now I'll FLIP. Worse, he won't UNDERSTAND why I'm mad. In his eyes, my requests were ludicrous. All I can think about is how this is such a red flag for future crises. 

How do I relax? How do I get over this situation? Car trouble is frustrating enough, but couple it with marital problems and I just want to cry!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is showing you who he is, his events are more important. Most women want to feel secure and safe and count on their H. Tell him this as he has failed miserably. 
Believe me when I tell you he will not change, so in future, you demand he do it. If he huffs and puffs, there has to be consequences. In future I would book a hotel near the work place and not just come home if the car is not working. Come up with another solution, that does not involve him, if he complains tell him that if he would do what he is supposed to do then you wouldn't have to make alternative arrangements.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I get why you are angry, but why didn't you get your car to the shop before now? 

Why not be pro-active? 

Why resent his hobby? Is it just Sunday nights, or more nights per week???


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Are you able to afford repairs or a more reliable car? Maybe that's his - wrong - way of telling you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to read this book: His Needs Her Needs.

BOTH of you are hurting each other. Are you aware that a man's top emotional needs are typically Sex, Having Fun (with you), and Admiration? You are dissing him on at least two of the three categories, and I suspect that, given your anger and resentment, you're not meeting the sex need, either.

In addition, I gather you don't have enough money to get the car fixed, since you don't even have a cell phone. What other options do you have at getting your car fixed? Family? Friends?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

were you doing his laundry as well?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

UnicornCupcake said:


> He was beyond bothered at my request. Apparently, missing a soccer practice was out of the question. Feeling like my safety was of no concern to him I was pissed. He then went on tell me that it will probably get there safe. PROBABLY. Well, what happens if I get there and it won't start again? He tells me he'll come grab me after practice, but I didn't want to wait around until 10 PM for him to get there. Again, I don't think this was an out of line expectation. Then he told me to drop him off at practice, go to my mom's and pick him back up. We'd worry about the car in the morning. His suggestion has me driving around the entire city. All of this is so he can get to practice and does **** all for our current problem. (How will I get to work in the morning?)
> 
> My suggestion was to have it towed to the dealership NOW then have him drop me off at my mom's. I would take a cab to work (no transit) and organize my car from there. This, of course, would means he needs to miss practice as we'd have to wait for the tow and he'd have to drive me back to my mom's then back home again after we grabbed everything. IMO, this was a no-brainer, but he seemed to think this was all very inconvenient.





aine said:


> He is showing you who he is, his events are more important. Most women want to feel secure and safe and count on their H. Tell him this as he has failed miserably.
> Believe me when I tell you he will not change, so in future, you demand he do it. If he huffs and puffs, there has to be consequences. In future I would book a hotel near the work place and not just come home if the car is not working. Come up with another solution, that does not involve him, if he complains tell him that if he would do what he is supposed to do then you wouldn't have to make alternative arrangements.


Aine, I am going to disagree with you. 

The suggestions her husband had (either wait at mother's for the soccer to end, or pick him up from soccer on the way back) did not compromise her safety. It compromised her CONVENIENCE. She would be in a good car in either of his suggestions.

To resolve an impasse, it helps to make an effort to understand the other person's viewpoint. In my opinion, her attitude reflects a sense that her husband's soccer is of no value. That HER time (which would be wasted either waiting at her mother's or driving all over town) is more important to her than HIS soccer game, which obviously means a lot to him. It comes off to me as "my way or no way". In a sense, his suggestions were more of a compromise than hers, I feel. At least with his suggestions, both parties get a little something (she gets her errands, he gets his soccer, just not efficiently). With the OP's suggestion, it's a one-way deal. 

To top it off, the OP states the his soccer has been a point of contention previously. Based on what she said about it, I am assuming she DOESN'T put much value on his playing soccer; she pretty much tell us that without saying so explicitly. So, of course it seems to him like it is one more round of her bashing his soccer; because I think it is, too.

There are some things that are important to Mrs. Wolfman, even if I think they are not of much value intrinsically, or at least of no value to me specifically. However, because they are important to Mrs. Wolfman, they become important to me. I make the effort to see that she can have them/do them, because I like her to be happy. However, I don't see that kind of dynamic in the OP's post.

Here's a thought experiment for the OP: Suppose it WAS important to the OP that her husband get enjoyment from his soccer, to the point that she would do what she has to do to make it happen, as long as it didn't endanger her/cause real hardship? What kind of suggestions might the OP make then, with such an attitude? I suspect they might actually be close to what her husband suggested.

And I'll bet that if all the rest of the time, the OP was really supportive of his soccer, then when it was REALLY necessary, most husbands would be more willing to make the sacrifices on HIS end when no other practical choice was available. That's the give and take of marriage.

So, no, Aine, I don't agree with you, and I think Tunera's post above is closer to the mark than yours.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Is money an issue in regards to being able to pay for repairs? If not why haven't you taken it some where yet?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Aine, I am going to disagree with you.
> 
> The suggestions her husband had (either wait at mother's for the soccer to end, or pick him up from soccer on the way back) did not compromise her safety. It compromised her CONVENIENCE. She would be in a good car in either of his suggestions.
> 
> ...


Wolf, you are entitled to your opinion but its not as if she is asking him to give up practice completely, it is only one evening out of many. You speak of her convenience, but it looks like he likes his convenience too. 
I think that H who put their sports and extracurricular before the practical aspects of the household need to feel the reality of their choices too. Perhaps missing freshly laundered soccer gear, no groceries in the house, etc may help in that regard. 
The reality is that women do many things that get taken for granted but when they need the help, it is an inconvenience. I am not saying all men are like this, but there are many who are and OP's H sounds a bit like that.
If my car is not working properly, the first thing my H does is ensure it's sorted as he doesn't want me stuck on the road in the middle of nowhere ( I drive over 100km a day). To my mind that is what a good H does. Not worry about his extra curricular for that day.

We all make choices and there is no room for selfishness, you mention 'give and take' where is his 'give and take?' just saying.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just because a car has trouble starting doesn't necessarily mean it's unsafe to drive or is going to break down as your driving. Heck if the cable connection was loose at the battery and tightening the clamp down fixed it I would have been comfortable sending my family across the country. Do you know why the car didn't start? Do you know what he did to get it started? 

Know what I kept thinking as I read your post? Take his car..take his car..why not take his car?? 

That's all it would have taken to stop the drama....."use my car for the next couple days until we get yours straightened out". Yes he should have suggested it to prove his concern for your welfare, but his suggestion or yours, doesn't matter, that was the instant fix. He gets to go to soccer practice and you get to know he's concerned about your welfare by giving you the dependable car. 

I'm going to say there's a hundred other things that caused this simple issue to blow up into such a fight. OP the resentment toward your husband was just dripping off your post, I don't know the background so maybe he deserves it but I personally think both of you handled this issue immaturely and with a lack of common sense.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

The guy is a jerk. My wife always gets the more reliable car. 

Always. 

He is selfish.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Simply trade cars and let him deal with it.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes, trade cars.

Or learn how to look after your own car. Personally, I wouldn't let my car get to that state without getting it fixed or replaced nor would I expect anyone to handle that for me.

But maybe that's just me.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I'll address 2 things first:

1. Concerning me not valuing his sport.
No. We both play competitively and devote 3 evenings/week to the game. My issue with his ONE team is that THEY aren't valuing HIM. He shouldn't be sitting on the bench and I told him I can't watch under those circumstances. He needs to speak up, tell his coach that he's too good of a player to sit. His club is basically trying to make another team (of a lower division) so they're running all the trials with the current team at HIS (and other players) expense. He's one of the few starting players that's still showing up to these practices/exhibitions. The majority of them have told their coaches that they don't come to sit. That's what I honestly feel he should be doing. Otherwise, they're going to think they can take advantage of him. So yes, I'm currently not valuing his place on this team under the current dynamic and he knows things have changed and he's not seeing the field much. It's not that I don't value his choice to play as a whole. I was flabbergasted he didn't respect my approach (that I think he's too good to ride the bench) and went off that I expected a safe escort to prioritize over a stupid practice.

2. Getting a new car
I've told him for about a YEAR that we need to start budgeting for a new car. We have one brand new car. However, we both have very different approaches concerning cars and it's caused a source of drama before. In sum, I believe in taking no more than 3 years to finance a car. After that, you own it. It's an asset. As soon as the car requires the same or more money to get it fixed as it would to finance a new one it's time to realize that car has no value and move on. He doesn't agree and he drove his last car to the ground, got stuck with no money saved and ended getting a new one he didn't even want on MY MOTHER'S CREDIT - NOT HIS. He's been sensitive about this since it happened and he's actually lied to people that he didn't need a co signer when he did. His whole family is like this. Half of them don't own cars and his father just got one on a TEN year finance. That car will have no value in 7 and he'll be paying it off for another 3. That makes no sense to me. My car not starting was the universe's way of saying I was right... My car is going to need attention. He seems to think it has years left. He didn't want to acknowledge it was a big deal because that would be acknowledging I was right. He HATES letting it be known I was right. IMO, this is the underlying reason as to why he didn't want to help. It just opened too many old wounds concerning his pride, his family's approach to finances (another source of drama between us), etc.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

aine said:


> He is showing you who he is, his events are more important. Most women want to feel secure and safe and count on their H. Tell him this as he has failed miserably.
> Believe me when I tell you he will not change, so in future, you demand he do it. If he huffs and puffs, there has to be consequences. In future I would book a hotel near the work place and not just come home if the car is not working. Come up with another solution, that does not involve him, if he complains tell him that if he would do what he is supposed to do then you wouldn't have to make alternative arrangements.


I did this the second he made me feel like I was a bother. I'll be sure to ask him how it feels having someone else ensure his wife gets to work safely. I want him to know I couldn't rely on him for that and I don't need him to resolve this issue. I don't even want him involved in the process. If I come home iwth a new car, too bad. He didn't want to help so Idon't want to update him on the process. If I have to dip into OUR savings to finance a new one so ****ing be it.

No person (especially my husband) will make me feel like I'm some tolerated being that is more of a bother than anything else for long. I genuintely don't think my expectation for him to skip ONE practice while we organized the car (this all happened at 8 PM on a Sunday) was out of line.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> The guy is a jerk. My wife always gets the more reliable car.
> 
> Always.
> 
> He is selfish.


You sound like a gentleman, and that is what most wives expect


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

aine said:


> You sound like a gentleman, and that is what most wives expect


I've never known my husband to do anything jerky before. He's screwed up and made silly or irritating mistakes, but he's never had that ******* quality I experienced during the car fiasco. That's a big part as to what has me so floored. 

I've been paranoid and concerned about our marriage lately and until this I didn't have any real *thing* (just feelings and small actions) that made me feel like I wasn't loved, appreciated or desired, but this was almost like the proof. We've been so disconnected, but I had no real explanation as to why or how that couldn't be put aside with an excuse or justification. This just made all of my fears seem very real.

I'm at the point in which I don't want to be around him. He doesn't make me feel good about myself and I'm wondering if I don't make him feel good about himself. I asked him to sleep on the couch last night and TBH I'm not ready or wanting to return to the same bed. I felt alone when he was beside me and disconnected when he was with me. I think I just want to take space. I want to remove myself from the situation that has me not feeling good. I gotta wonder if we've just stopped liking each other, as individual people. That's what it feels like.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

First off why does it fall on his shoulders to repair it? There is a wealth of info on fixing cars online. Last I looked a woman was just as capable of turning a wrench as a man. Now with that said; Yes he is being selfish. I am in no way taking his side in this.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Do you have the finances to get the car fixed? If so, I think you should just accept that he's not the person to help you with the car. Take the initiative to get the car into the shop and arrange for a rental until it's done.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The more I read the more I see differences in you and your husband. Be it money or cars or if he gets to play in a game he just takes things as the come, no worries equals no planning in his mind. OP you sound like you're on the ball, always have a plan and always planning for the "what is" scenario. I am very much like you OP and my ex wife was like your husband, drove me absolutely insane because her lack of planning always meant in the end things fell to me to "save the day".

So now I understand why you are so resentful, it wasn't just this one thing but an accumulation of things that finally boiled over. Also for the record any man who values his wife and family would give the better car up for the benefit of their safety, that's a no brainier. 

Resentment and constant anger are a death sentence to a marriage, it's hard to stay in love when you're pissed off all the time. I speak from experience.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I did this the second he made me feel like I was a bother. I'll be sure to ask him how it feels having someone else ensure his wife gets to work safely. I want him to know I couldn't rely on him for that and I don't need him to resolve this issue. I don't even want him involved in the process. If I come home iwth a new car, too bad. He didn't want to help so Idon't want to update him on the process. If I have to dip into OUR savings to finance a new one so ****ing be it.
> 
> No person (especially my husband) will make me feel like I'm some tolerated being that is more of a bother than anything else for long. I genuintely don't think my expectation for him to skip ONE practice while we organized the car (this all happened at 8 PM on a Sunday) was out of line.


You weren't wrong to expect help when having car trouble. 
I agree with some posters, that the wife drives the more reliable car for obvious reasons.
The only thing I will give is a warning: You and he had better stop building all this resentment. I know over the years it will eventually cause a total loss of love and make room for cheating, which will end the marriage.
You are REALLY pissed at your husband. I wish you luck finding a way to fix that.
Do you guys get paid for playing soccer? If not, a part-time job might be more feasible to be able to afford a better car.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@UnicornCupcake If it had been my wife, I would have dropped practice to make sure she was OK.

But we'd have done it in one, reliable car. Together.

However, there are several other points are making me go :scratchhead: as there are several issues that also need addressing:-

You are a grown married woman, yet you rely on your mother for your laundry. (I accept you point about the machines in your area, but even so...)

You know more about the needs of the manager of your husband's football team than the manager does.

You seem to know a great deal about cars, much more than your father-in-law, for example, yet seem to leave the maintenance up to your husband.

Just offering you some point to ponder.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> How do I relax? How do I get over this situation? Car trouble is frustrating enough, but couple it with marital problems and I just want to cry!


If your husband feels confident at tweaking cars to help them start, would you be able to swap cars with him until your car is fixed?

For whatever reason your husband does not see the car as big of a threat to life as you do. This is probably because he has no qualms about being stranded somewhere and having to find another means of transportation as he may have plenty of friends he can call. So for him this issue seems as if you simply do not want him to play soccer. YES that is annoying, but he likely sees it from his own perspective. 

Awkwardly my wife and I have managed our lives with only one car for over twenty years. We much rather have one very dependable car as opposed to multiple cars with problems. For brief periods we have had two cars and found that one just sits and becomes ill maintained. As for having only one car, life is very manageable with a little planning and coordination with your spouse. If you choose this option, you'll find you go more places "together!"

Badsanta


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Had to delete..wrong thread. LOL.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I know it sounds silly to be a 30 year old woman and do laundry at my mother's but it's our Sunday ritual. She also has a bunch of household duties she's asked me to take over that she can no longer do since she's broke her hip. I'm also a complete germophobe, lol. So I just can't *do* shared machines that only have a 30 minute "warm" cycle.

I don't have a phone because I went on a personal rebellion after Rogers ****ed me with a 1,200 bill a few years ago. I'm getting one though. I'm over my little no cell phone phase.

He did offer to give me the car for Monday, but it was like it was a CHORE. Like I was such a bother.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

The conversation of who pays for the work wasn't even brought up. I assumed it would be me. My car. That wasn't my issue. My issue was the way it all made me feel.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> He doesn't agree and he drove his last car to the ground, got stuck with no money saved and ended getting a new one he didn't even want on MY MOTHER'S CREDIT - NOT HIS. He's been sensitive about this since it happened and he's actually lied to people that he didn't need a co signer when he did.


OMG. A supposed grown adult man can't even buy a car on his own? This speaks VOLUMES about him - and none it good.

Another poster brought up a great point. You BOTH work, yet here YOU were dragging all your laundry to your mother's while this selfish assbag was whining about missing his precious BENCH time at his soccer game. The idiot needs to do his own laundry going forward because I sure wouldn't be doing it for him ever again. And since your MOTHER'S good credit got him his new car which is running just FINE, I would have told him to drive the crap car to his lame soccer game and I would have taken the good one that your MOTHER had to provide for him.

I'd find it REAL hard to respect this guy. _*Real real*_ hard.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Manchester said:


> How come you didn't answer the question about swapping cars?
> 
> How come you don't have a phone?
> 
> ...


I'd be pissed off all the time too if I couldn't even buy my *own *car without my wife's MOTHER having to cosign for me and I was a selfish assbag who was more concerned about my own selfish desires than the safety of my wife.

But hey, that's none of her business..right? Good Lord.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

A couple things to clarify!
First of all, he does make good money and he has no debt, but he didn't build himself credit. He was never TAUGHT this. (His entire family are renters, no assets, no long term investments, etc.) He's been working very hard to do this. The car situation a year ago was a real eye opener for him. He's always operated on the "if I can't afford it I don't buy it" so he never established credit. I, on the other hand, was TAUGHT (my mother is an CCA) and even I dropped the ball in terms of getting credit. If anyone is a failure in the credit department, it's me. I can't hate or not respect him for this. TBH, I lost a little respect for MYSELF for not organizing it sooner. (We both have no debt and not bad credit, just not credit which is why he couldn't qualify.) Anyway, I'm defending him because it would be hypocritical for me not to as I've just started to establish credit myself. Definitely something I regret from my my twenties, but I won't be hypocritical and judge him for not having credit and needing my mom. I do, however, get VERY frustrated that he takes his financial failure (in terms of credit) out on me. It's like he punishes me for it because I know he needed that help.

Also, I actually don't do his laundry! He works construction so he does his work wear in the apartment machines. (They're junk and construction clothes are VERY hard on the machines and he said he wouldn't feel comfortable wearing down my mom's commercial front loader.) I only do his casual wear that's pooled with mine.

A few posters keep going to the soccer thing. Read my VERY first post on TAM. It was about supporting your spouse and his hobbies, in my case soccer. I felt SO guilty for losing interest in his season, but as a working woman I dont have time to watch a man sit on a bench. When he was playing I was there rain or shine


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

UnicornCupcake said:


> A few posters keep going to the soccer thing. Read my VERY first post on TAM. It was about supporting your spouse and his hobbies, in my case soccer. I felt SO guilty for losing interest in his season, but as a working woman I dont have time to watch a man sit on a bench. When he was playing I was there rain or shine


Be aware that your failure to go watch his team play soccer may have him feeling like you're a fair-weather friend on this issue. His perspective might be that "When I was having a great year, she wanted to come watch. But now that I'm struggling, she can't be bothered." He may be feeling very abandoned and unsupported - as if you only have time for him and his interests when he's shining. Many people want their spouse to support them and engage with them on things that are important to them even when it's not going well, perhaps even more when it's not going well.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Be aware that your failure to go watch his team play soccer may have him feeling like you're a fair-weather friend on this issue. His perspective might be that "When I was having a great year, she wanted to come watch. But now that I'm struggling, she can't be bothered." He may be feeling very abandoned and unsupported - as if you only have time for him and his interests when he's shining. Many people want their spouse to support them and engage with them on things that are important to them even when it's not going well, perhaps even more when it's not going well.


I know he's feeling that way, but I have a day too and I straight up can't waste it watching him sit there. I don't enjoy it. It's not about abandoning him because he's struggling. He's not struggling. He's refusing to speak up and it's his approach (not his performance) I don't support. It's the lack of confrontation with his team and coaches I don't respect. I find myself getting lippy at them in his defense when I DO watch which is why I don't go now. I was OK with defending him at first, but it's been an entire season. I'm over it. He needs to controlt he issue himself. He can't have his wife telling off his coaches.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

UnicornCupcake said:


> , but it was like it was a CHORE. Like I was such a bother.


How much of this was real and how much was just in your head? I'm sorry but you all need to learn to talk and get your perspective across to each other. Active listening is another good tool to have. Also tell him that it not the fact that he is warming the bench but that you feel he needs to speak up. If it continues you might start seeing him as weak and lose respect for him.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Blacksmith01 said:


> How much of this was real and how much was just in your head? I'm sorry but you all need to learn to talk and get your perspective across to each other. Active listening is another good tool to have. Also tell him that it not the fact that he is warming the bench but that you feel he needs to speak up. If it continues you might start seeing him as weak and lose respect for him.


Trust me, I SPEAK up. Verbatim:

"I don't liek watching you play anymore because you spend too much time sitting and I don't think it's right your coaches are using you as a body while they prepare another team. I think you need to say something or be like the other players and refrain from attending for awhile."

My feeligns were communicated. It's no surprsie to him how I feel.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Ok I see what you said and how it was said. I'll tell you if you were my GF I would do the opposite of what you wanted or kick you to the curb for being disrespectful like that. You could have said it with a bit more tact.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Wow. I just reread all your threads. 

You are a stay at home wife, or part time. You have low desire for grooming. Husband earns the money, comes home tired, is stressed about the house buyer and money. You pleasure yourself often and complain about lack of anal and cum shots. 

If your husband was playing you would find the time to watch. So the problem is not lack of time, it's you think he is a wimp and don't want to look at him.

So, how do you show your husband love? What is his Love Language? Do you know?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I cannot imagine not putting my wife first. I have quit jobs and moved for her. We are in our mid sixties and boy oh boy do you need someone who has your back. My wife had a hip replacement and had to stay in bed for 3 months and then still needed care for another 3. I had surgery and my wife took care of me too. We take care of each other and put each other and our marriage above all else. I have always assumed that most husbands were like me but after reading posts on this website and seeing what spouses put up with year after years, I can now understand why the divorce rate is 50%. 

As far as I am concerned, a husband that does not put his wife first cannot be that much in love with her. Sorry but that is my opinion. My wife and I put each other first even if it means giving up something or doing something we do not personally like. We want the other to be happy and as my wife tells me, she loves me because I make her feel desirable, attractive, protected, well provided for and safe. I have her back and she has mine. 44 years of putting our marriage first.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

I think both of you handled this issue immaturely.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, you have very strong opinions and would probably benefit tremendously from a few sessions with a communications coach. Its not so much the message, but your _delivery_ of that message is emasculating your husband. And quite frankly, it's probably pissing him off. So he doesn't much care about helping with your car. Or your opinion of his soccer skills.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'll address 2 things first:
> 
> 1. Concerning me not valuing his sport.
> No. We both play competitively and devote 3 evenings/week to the game. My issue with his ONE team is that THEY aren't valuing HIM. He shouldn't be sitting on the bench and I told him I can't watch under those circumstances. He needs to speak up, tell his coach that he's too good of a player to sit. His club is basically trying to make another team (of a lower division) so they're running all the trials with the current team at HIS (and other players) expense. He's one of the few starting players that's still showing up to these practices/exhibitions. The majority of them have told their coaches that they don't come to sit. That's what I honestly feel he should be doing. Otherwise, they're going to think they can take advantage of him. So yes, I'm currently not valuing his place on this team under the current dynamic and he knows things have changed and he's not seeing the field much. It's not that I don't value his choice to play as a whole. I was flabbergasted he didn't respect my approach (that I think he's too good to ride the bench) and went off that I expected a safe escort to prioritize over a stupid practice.
> ...


The bolded is a red flag, UC.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Why does it concern you so much If your husband is just sitting on the bench? If your husband is still enjoying his time being there and he has no problem with it, why do you? It's not you sitting there, and frankly if it makes your husband happy, just be supportive and be happy for him. 

Talking negatively about an activity he does and enjoys probably makes him feel bad, or makes him feel like you are ashamed he sits on the bench, especially since you told him you won't watch him play cause he only sits on the beach. That comment must have hurt him. Your husband is a grown man, if he has no problem with what is happening, than you should just keep your opinions to yourself. 

Makes me remember what my grade 6 teacher once told us, " Not every thought, feeling or concern needs to be expressed. Think before you talk because what's important today might not be so important tommorow. " 

It amazes me how mean people can be to the one they say they love. Not directing this comment at OP, but just in general. It's sad really. :-( 

Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> Makes me remember what my grade 6 teacher once told us, " Not every thought, feeling or concern needs to be expressed. Think before you talk because what's important today might not be so important tommorow. "
> 
> It amazes me how mean people can be to the one they say they love. Not directing this comment at OP, but just in general. It's sad really. :-(


I remember sitting at a restaurant and I was eating alone. At the table next to me was this very old lady and she was in a very passionate discussion about how the younger generation of people had absolutely zero respect for anyone and were always saying such horrible things. This lady was just ripping the younger generation apart and saying rather vile and nasty things about younger people. She wished everyone was more like her generation.

I so wanted to stop by her table and tell her that while I agreed with everything she said, that I was raised by my great grandmother who came generations before her. The generation that grew up in the great depression was raised to believe that unless you have something good to say, it is better to just not say anything at all. Of course I never stopped by that lady's table, because I today try to live by those words taught to me by my great grandmother (although I admit I am not perfect at it, nor was my great grandmother for that matter!).

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> Why does it concern you so much If your husband is just sitting on the bench? If your husband is still enjoying his time being there and he has no problem with it, why do you? It's not you sitting there, and frankly if it makes your husband happy, just be supportive and be happy for him.
> 
> Talking negatively about an activity he does and enjoys probably makes him feel bad, or makes him feel like you are ashamed he sits on the bench, especially since you told him you won't watch him play cause he only sits on the beach. That comment must have hurt him. Your husband is a grown man, if he has no problem with what is happening, than you should just keep your opinions to yourself.
> 
> ...


I completely disagree. Transparency is very important in marriage.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> I completely disagree. Transparency is very important in marriage.


Sometimes knowing when to keep your mouth shut can be a good thing.Nobody would accuse the op of diplomacy that's for sure.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Sometimes knowing when to keep your mouth shut can be a good thing.Nobody would accuse the op of diplomacy that's for sure.


Husband.....You have gotten fatter than a hippo.

Wife.......That hurts my feelings.

Husband.....Transparency is good for a marriage.

:scratchhead:


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

jld said:


> I completely disagree. Transparency is very important in marriage.


Well if being transparent in a marriage is hurting your spouse with comments that are unessesary and hurtful that serve no really purpose, than I guess I have to disagree that transparency in a marriage is not for me. 

My husband loves to play video games, me I think they are a waste of time and stupid. Why would I tell him that they are stupid and a waste of time.? He doesn't play them excessively, they are not hurting me or cutting into our family time. The only thing that will be accomplished is saying that is to upset and angry my husband. I keep this opinion to myself.

If they were to become a problem I would address it with my husband, but I still would not express my above feelings Because how I personally feel about playing video games is not as important as my husband’s happiness and if he wants to spend his free time playing them, well it's not hurting me. If video games started to invade our personal /family time, I would address that issue , not my personal opinion about them. 



Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Damn, that's nice. Vinnydee, you and your wife are very lucky to have each other. I wish that more people were like you guys when it came to approaching relationships. 



Vinnydee said:


> I cannot imagine not putting my wife first. I have quit jobs and moved for her. We are in our mid sixties and boy oh boy do you need someone who has your back. My wife had a hip replacement and had to stay in bed for 3 months and then still needed care for another 3. I had surgery and my wife took care of me too. We take care of each other and put each other and our marriage above all else. I have always assumed that most husbands were like me but after reading posts on this website and seeing what spouses put up with year after years, I can now understand why the divorce rate is 50%.
> 
> As far as I am concerned, a husband that does not put his wife first cannot be that much in love with her. Sorry but that is my opinion. My wife and I put each other first even if it means giving up something or doing something we do not personally like. We want the other to be happy and as my wife tells me, she loves me because I make her feel desirable, attractive, protected, well provided for and safe. I have her back and she has mine. 44 years of putting our marriage first.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> Well if being transparent in a marriage is hurting your spouse with comments that are unessesary and hurtful that serve no really purpose, than I guess I have to disagree that transparency in a marriage is not for me.
> 
> My husband loves to play video games, me I think they are a waste of time and stupid. Why would I tell him that they are stupid and a waste of time.? He doesn't play them excessively, they are not hurting me or cutting into our family time. The only thing that will be accomplished is saying that is to upset and angry my husband. I keep this opinion to myself.
> 
> ...


I think it is risky to be anything less than transparent in marriage, especially from a wife to a husband.

His hearing exactly how you feel might be exactly what he needs to hear to set him on a more productive path.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Sometimes knowing when to keep your mouth shut can be a good thing.Nobody would accuse the op of diplomacy that's for sure.


I think this could be true for men in certain situations. 

I still believe it is wiser for women to always be transparent. It will make a husband's life much easier in the long run.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

geez, OP I really think you should read the book "His needs, her needs"

You sound like a mama hen who wants her child to do whatever she says.... Your husband is NOT your child....

If he is having fun, why do you care so much if his team doesn't appreciate him and he sits on the bench all the time??

I felt so much weirdness reading your post.... I daresay you are a bit controlling....


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

jld said:


> I think it is risky to be anything less than transparent in marriage, especially from a wife to a husband.
> 
> His hearing exactly how you feel might be exactly what he needs to hear to set him on a more productive path.


My husband is very productive, and he does not sacrifice his responsibilities or family to play video games, it's what he likes to do in his spare time, as well as playing guitar, wood working, brewing beer..etc.

I like to watch TV or read in my spare time. If my husband thinks watching TV or reading is stupid should he tell me so to be "transparent" in our marriage so I would get upset and maybe feel bad everytime I do one of the things I like to do in my spare time. 

I think you do need to be honest with your spouse about things, but something are best left unsaid. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Perhaps there is some apathy in your marriage or maybe it's just communication issues. 

Does he know that if you are in distress that he should put your needs above his own? Have you explained that or had a discussion about it? 

If you don't explain, he will never understand where your anger is coming from. 

Marriage Counselling to work on communication skills and other things that seem to be disconnecting might help you both a lot. 

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> My husband is very productive, and he does not sacrifice his responsibilities or family to play video games, it's what he likes to do in his spare time, as well as playing guitar, wood working, brewing beer..etc.
> 
> I like to watch TV or read in my spare time. If my husband thinks watching TV or reading is stupid should he tell me so to be "transparent" in our marriage so I would get upset and maybe feel bad everytime I do one of the things I like to do in my spare time.
> 
> ...


Why would either of your disapproval of the other's activities mean that either of you would need to change those activities?

Sharing your feelings transparently still allows you and your partner to exercise agency. But it can also spark thought, and growth.

I think transparency, however painful initially, is the way to avoid problems going forward. Neither partner is left in the dark, unaware of the other's concerns.


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## Callingquits (Apr 10, 2019)

All I can say is.... I wish I knew now what I didn’t know then. I’ve spent 21 years making excuses for my husbands actions. I smile and pretend everything’s fine..... I wish I would of sat down 20 years ago before kids and life and really evaluated if he loved me and if he showed love the way I needed him too. 
My advice is don’t settle, don’t be in the same boat as me in 21 years.... 
I’ve read the comments about fixing your car blah blah.... but I think if he truly loved you he would switch you cars. 
I have so much to say but really the point is do you want to be dealing with these same actions for 10 years for 15 years for 20 years??? Sit down and evaluate your relationship and what you want out of it.


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