# My wife and I have not been intimate in months.



## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

It really started in January. She had gone through another miscarriage. Not her first, or second, or even third. After that, she started sleeping in our guest room, she's been slowly pushing me away, and she just gave up.

Lately, she's been coming around a little. She's gotten in bed with me a few times lately. She won't stay, but its a start. She's more affectionate again, though she won't do anything remotely sexual.

She has told me she misses sex, that she'd "foolishly" (her word) would like to try again, but she also fears pregnancy because she's sure things will end the same. She no longer trusts sex, or birth control because they aren't 100%.

Last night I felt so bad for her, because she told me she's afraid I'll cheat, which I'd never do. 

I know what the answers are going to be. Counseling. And she's not open to that, I'll say it now, just to get that said.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

What a difficult situation, I'm sorry this has all happened to you. 

Only thing I have is to insist on counselling, tell her you are booking it and she has to go in order to get life back on track. I know MC are painful but to go through it multiple times must be horrendous. I can't see you guys making it through this as individuals or as a couple without professional help. 

Are there any organisations near you that deal in pregancy/child loss counselling and support? The local hospital might be a good first point of contact.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If she won't counsel then maybe you can get books about depression and dealing with grief as well as marriage builder books and start reading with her and discussing.

My wife loves me reading with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

If you're both sure you no longer want to try for a baby together, is a vascectomy an option? Or oral contraceptives?

I also have to echo insisting on counseling, or at least a support group for this kind of loss. She has PTSD. That's not something one overcomes without help.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What are your ages and do you have children already?

What is her cultural background? Yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Vebber said:


> It really started in January. She had gone through another miscarriage. Not her first, or second, or even third. After that, she started sleeping in our guest room, she's been slowly pushing me away, and she just gave up.
> 
> Lately, she's been coming around a little. She's gotten in bed with me a few times lately. She won't stay, but its a start. She's more affectionate again, though she won't do anything remotely sexual.
> 
> ...


There's counseling, and then there's therapy.

Y'all need therapy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe that your continued reassurance would be of considerable benefit. Losing a child is severely traumatic to a woman and that is compounded by her fear that you will seek satisfaction elsewhere. You must explain to her that your character will not allow that, period. You must also convince her that even though life is not fair we cannot stop living and that no matter how difficult life becomes that she will never face it alone. She needs to see your resolve and your sincerity so that she can understand that she will always have help facing life's challenges so long as you are alive.

Also, help her to see that, in times such as this, it is much more beneficial to turn towards one another, sharing each others strength, than to turn away and face it alone. Four losses, at least, would tend to cause someone to question their body's viability regarding carrying children but if you already have children then help her to see that success and reassure her that she can succeed again. If you do not already have children, then make sure she realizes that there are medical applications that can increase her chances of reaching full gestation. Also, help her to understand that it is not her fault and that she should not blame herself.

Finally, make sure that she knows that nature is ultimately in control, not her, not you, not even doctors can stop some things from occurring but that when her body is ready it will happen and then the little bundle of joy will replace the sorrow that is in her heart now. Be there for her and make sure she sees your strength and your unwavering dedication to her and she will respond in kind. All good things to you both.


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

Thank you guys for the posts, I'm going to go to bed shortly, but in answer to a couple of things, no we don't have children. We're both 28, both free of STDs, and she'd been going to doctors and specialists, but she asked me if we could stop. I told her we would if that's what she wanted, but if she wanted to try again, I'd support her either way.

We've talked about contraceptives. I think vasectomy would be a last resort, but if she asked, at this point I would. We've discussed it before, run down the list of options, and she's not fully content with anything. I'm not even sure which is the best, all seem to have somewhere around a 99% success rate based on my limited research. 

The fact that what she has would even possibly be PTSD actually never occurred to me, and that's something I'll be looking into tomorrow or Monday.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Has her Dr done any tests to she why she is having so many MC's? I know that where I live if you have 3 then the Dr will do investigative tests. I have one GF that cannot carry girls and had multiple MC's before they found out what was happening. She did end up have two amazing boys.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Firstly, you both have my sympathy. We had 2 miscarriages. They upset me badly, but my wife far more. 

Second, while I agree with counseling that others have suggested, before that you must reassure her of your love, trust and value of her. I see it in your posts, but repeat it until she tells you to shut up, and then repeat it again. 

Our doctor had an explanation that helped me. He said that about 10% of all pregnancies miscarry, so we were 1 in 100. This meant each street might have 1 couple with our misfortune. Given our tests showed nothing wrong, he stressed that the chance of a subsequent miscarriage remained 10%. Or, he said our chance of a successful next pregnancy remained 90%. Our 2 miscarriages did not change this. For you after 4 miscarriages that would mean 1 in 10000, or perhaps 1 couple in each suburb with your misfortune. 

Our good news was a subsequent successful pregnancy and healthy girl.

Then, for me, a vasectomy was a short discussion. Other birth control methods had issues for us. My wife had already gone through so much. I recall being told a vasectomy meant over 99.9% chance of no more pregnancies, not 99%.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Multiple miscarriages, and it sounds like she's had many, are a huge blow to a woman's self-esteem. Pregnancy is something a woman's body is designed for, something other women do completely by accident, and she can't do it no matter how much she tries. She feels like a failure, and she's probably suffering depression. She's avoiding sex with you because sex leads to pregnancy and pregnancy leads to miscarriage and further feelings of failure. She's doing what she feels necessary to survive, which is to avoid anything that might lead to further emotional pain. Even if she loves sex and wishes she could have it, she's avoiding it to prevent further painful experiences.

I strongly recommend counselling, and heartfelt conversations about maybe not having children after all, or seeking alternate methods of doing it. Have these conversations when she is in good mood, not when you are trying to be intimate or affectionate.

Meanwhile, be as supportive as you can, reassure her that you love her no matter whether you have children or not, offer lots of physical affection that is not intended as foreplay, and reassure her that you understand if sexual activity has to be non-penetrative for a while until she's ready. The focus has to be on her feelings of inadequacy and getting over her aversion to sex, not on coaxing her to meet your needs.


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

We've done testing, but we didn't get a firm answer. It bothers me, and I imagine it bothers her more than she lets on. I know a definite answer would not magically fix her, and I'm not asking for that, but I think it might have helped her.

She has said she feels like a failure, in fact I heard that recently. My cousin and his wife are expecting their third child, and that was when she closed most of her social accounts. She doesn't want to see it or face it, but that's I think a whole different story. I do understand, though, I have my own days like that, but I see a decent amount of pregnant teens around here. And some days, it just hits hard.

We've talked other options, we've also talked not having kids, but she's not definite on that. 

Off the top of my head, I don't really recall the last time she's tried to start something. I don't really remember the last time she's touched me sexually. She's fine with being hold, sometimes she asks for it, but some days she even wiggles away from being spooned.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sorry man...

miscarriages suck. my wife and i have gone through quite a few of them...

that said, dont let her sit in her depression. it wont do her or you any good. she may never be able to have children, she may. either way, withdrawing from you is going to lead to a failed marriage. find ways to motivate her to get back to living a fulfilling life again. therapy, counseling, support groups, whatever it is that will actually help her.
it doesnt matter if the motivation you provide is positive or negative, just find something that works. she needs it.


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

I have looked for hospital offered support group, and there are none in the immediate area. Before this year, she did try some miscarriage support groups online, but I know she also quit them soon after, she didn't say why but I guess they didn't offer what she wanted or needed.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Do not give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife has had 7 miscarries... We started seeing a new obgyn after #6 when we found out she was pregnant with #7.

He was awesome....from Thailand. Dr. Tris said to my wife its nothing, you just do not produce progesterone quickly enough to prepare the uterus.cervix. Put her on progesterone vaginal suppositories. Not soon enough as she lost #7. He kept her on them and she carried #8 and #9.

She always said she wanted 9 children and she does....we will see the 1st 7 when its our time.

Find an obgyn to prescribe compounded progesterone vaginal suppositories.

Some obgyns acted like they never heard of such. IT WORKS!!!!! It prepares cervix and uterus ahead of time.

Dr. Tris went home to see his mother in Thailand just before DS2 was born and my wife about freaked. He called my wife daily, from Thailand, to check on her while he was gone.


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

Thank you for that, it's something I'll look into and hopefully find the chance to bring up to her, but giving up seems to be the route she's wanting to take at this time.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I definitely understand where she's coming from but it still doesn't give her the right to not fulfill her marital obligations. The next time she does this, tell her that you aren't paying the bills for a month...see what she says then.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Vebber said:


> We've done testing, but we didn't get a firm answer. It bothers me, and I imagine it bothers her more than she lets on. I know a definite answer would not magically fix her, and I'm not asking for that, but I think it might have helped her.
> 
> She has said she feels like a failure, in fact I heard that recently. My cousin and his wife are expecting their third child, and that was when she closed most of her social accounts. She doesn't want to see it or face it, but that's I think a whole different story. I do understand, though, I have my own days like that, but I see a decent amount of pregnant teens around here. And some days, it just hits hard.
> 
> ...


 @Vebber, my cousin had *MULTIPLE miscarriages* before she was finally able to carry her son to term, and she had to consult w/ a doctor in NY (she lives in eastern NC) in order to get treatment. Basically he diagnosed her as having some sort of reproductive immunology-related disorder and (I think) put her on regular Heparin/Lovenox IVs.

Apparently she'd done a LOT of reading and research on her own and came across something on white blood cell (specifically, "natural killer" cell) abnormalities prior to contacting the doctor. Before calling him, though, she asked her doc (again, in eastern NC) about whether or not she'd ever been tested for it and he said something to the effect of "No, and you'll never be tested for it as long as you're a patient in this office." :scratchhead:

Anyway, this is the NY doc's website...

Reproductive Immunology | Multiple Miscarriages | Prevent Miscarriage

Might be worth a look.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I definitely understand where she's coming from but it still doesn't give her the right to not fulfill her marital obligations. The next time she does this, tell her that you aren't paying the bills for a month...see what she says then.


What the hell is wrong with you???

You do NOT tell someone, I don't care if it's a man or a woman, who is having emotional problems that if they don't put out, you're not paying the bills. I suppose you would tell a woman to tell her husband that if he doesn't get it up and keep it up then she's not going to pay the bills either? The OP was given good advice to help them get through this. Hopefully, his wife will be able to work through it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Vebber, I had one miscarriage, so I understand how that feels. I cannot imagine having more. My grandmother as well as one of my cousins each had two miscarriages. And two good friends did, as well. I wish I had a way to help. I don't know if it had been mentioned before, but maybe clergy? Or if possible, maybe a pastor can point you toward a support group? I hope she can get through this.


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

Anything is worth a look at this point. She and i have been to New York, so getting her there would be no problem, I would just hate to do so by lying to her.

Anyway, I'd like to thank most of you for your replies, it's nice to know there might still be some kind of chance for a child, but getting through to her will be hard. It's been a rough one today, she wouldn't even let me kiss her on the head.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Vebber said:


> Anything is worth a look at this point. *She and i have been to New York, so getting her there would be no problem*, I would just hate to do so by lying to her.
> 
> Anyway, I'd like to thank most of you for your replies, it's nice to know there might still be some kind of chance for a child, but getting through to her will be hard. It's been a rough one today, she wouldn't even let me kiss her on the head.


I forgot to mention this, but my cousin never left eastern NC. All of her interactions w/ the NY doc were carried out over the phone, via e-mail, etc. Blood was drawn locally and the results were sent to him via fax, secure e-mail, etc, and he had local nurses sent out to administer the meds, check up on her, etc.


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

I tried to talk to her this morning, it seemed like a good chance. she was pretty open with me and willing to talk until I mentioned we could do other things than having sex, she said she can't because I'd want to go further, and she isn't comfortable with that.

I asked her if _she_ wanted to go further, and she said she does, she misses it but continued to insist she _can't._ That's the word she uses most, while I understand it, I'm starting to hate that word.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I would hate that word, too. 

Try telling her that, of _course_ you would want to go further. You love her and miss that closeness with her. But, _because_ you love her, you would _never_ push her into doing more than she is comfortable with. I wish she had someone to speak with about it. She really needs to explore the word "can't". I don't mean that as a negative. I mean she needs to see a therapist so she can face this fear. And that's what it is. Fear. She is afraid that if you have sex, she will get pregnant and then lose another baby. I think she is afraid of what it will do to her, worse than is already being done. Because of so many losses, she sees only that: pregnancy = loss... for her/you, at least. She cannot, yet, see that there is a window of hope. Next time you are able to have a talk about this, suggest a therapist. I don't mean blurt it out, like "you need to see a shrink", but more like, "I know this is weighing on you. I think you would benefit from speaking with someone who could, hopefully, help you. I am _always_ here for you, but I am limited. I am at a loss. Please, for your own sake, and so you can find peace, talk to someone."


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## Vebber (Jul 25, 2015)

I know she needs a therapist. I've tried, gently, telling her she needs to go. My parents have tried as well, my mom not as gently. But she's not open to it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

My wife and I stopped counting miscarriages a couple years ago... 

We got all excited, the pregnancy was holding, and we started telling people, then BAM! Soul crushed.

Nowadays, we aren't really thinking about it. 

You may not want to hear this, and it may make me sound like an A-hole, but I would have divorced her if she absolutely refused me completely like your wife is refusing you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Vebber said:


> I know she needs a therapist. I've tried, gently, telling her she needs to go. My parents have tried as well, my mom not as gently. But she's not open to it.


Vebber there is a verse. I think it's John 5:6. Jesus asks the man "do you want to be healed".

That's what I would ask your wife. Do you want to be healed or do you want to stay in solitary confinement in your self constructed prison?.. and keep your husband as you cellmate against his will?

I'm very sorry about your wife and what she is going through but she _can't_ (there's that word) stay in the victim chair forever.

I am a cancer survivor. I can't imagine telling my wife after diagnosis that I wasn't getting biopsied, I wasn't having radiation, I wasn't having chemo. I'm just going to sit in my little world and wait for the inevitable. My wife would have said I love you, enjoy the rest of your life and goodbye. As well she should.

Vebber you have to tell her she *must* go to a therapist if she wants the marriage to continue. If she doesn't want to be healed there is nothing you can do to help her. You _can't_ (there's that word) wait forever.


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