# Im not sure but I think theres someone, NEW MARRIAGE



## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...

This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.

Fast forward to today, no preceding fight in the last few days as we were just talking before I'd run an errand and come back to a situation that doesn't make sense, don't touch me or talk to me. Like wtf just happened while I was gone for 3 hours. I even talked with her for 20 minutes while I was out and she said drive safe see you in a bit.

We don't cuddle, have sex, or kiss unless she gets so annoyed I kiss her but she hardly ever kisses back. Never any tongue. No initation on hand holding, hugs, touching, no eye contact while talking EVER anymore. To the point of no sex we had sex up until the wedding multiple times a week, and after the wedding for the first few weeks. Since, she would rather use toys on herself. One reason she wanted to marry me was our sexual chemistry.

She's always on her phone or watching tv, gets annoyed if I ask what she's up to when I call her when she gets off of work. Everything seems to be a secret, or just annoyed like how dare I ask?! Like girl, shouldn't you be worried if your husband didn't care? Haven't talked to you in 14 hours and we used to talk hourly even pre wedding, like up to the day of. Why shouldn't I be curious how your day went?

We've had some horrible fights since the wedding and few months before. I've not cheated, I'm not physical, we don't scream. Just silent treatment and weird jekyll and hide scenarios.Am I just being used? Is she cheating? She says she's not happy, I asked if she wants a divorce to a no answer. We talk about the future and make plans but it's like this is more like a roommate situation.

Any advice? Any similarities that anyone can relate to? Any inside info at all? Trying for months to get her to open up, but nope. We used to be open books to eachother. Now I feel like she confides in and is probably seeing someone.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SoConfused822 said:


> Any advice?


Separating and then getting divorced as soon as possible, will help both of you tremendously.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There’s really nothing to work with - the relationship sounds completely unhealthy for you. Not really sure why she agreed to marry you if after only six months, she’s pushing you away and treating you so poorly.

For your own sanity, find a good attorney and divorce. You say that you love her, but love shouldn’t make you feel bad like this.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Leave now, knowing that she isn’t capable of being a kind and loving wife to you.
And I would tell her that is the reason you want a divorce from her. Love doesn’t look like this crap she’s dishing out. Don’t put up with it another minute!


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

Sounds like multiple personality disorder. Divorce all of them. Honestly I see nothing good coming from continuation of this marriage.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Google "borderline personality disorder" OP. I think a light may go off in your head as you read up on it.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

SoConfused822 said:


> To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...
> 
> This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.
> 
> ...


See a lawyer, declare the marriage null and void and get an annulment.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Get out now, don't look back. If this is what the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage is like, imagine 5 or 10 years from now. She is not capable of normal human relationships. 

Look into having the marriage annulled based on its short duration.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

It does not matter if there is someone else or not. Divorce her asap and gain a life worth living. Best result may be that there is someone else - she becomes his problem.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

SoConfused822 said:


> To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...
> 
> This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.
> 
> ...


Run


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

SoConfused822 said:


> She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me.


Believe her. Are you willing to live this way until she finds a replacement and leaves you on her terms?


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Yeah sadly this sounds like it's over. Once she's loses the respect/love/happy feeling it's over. 
Pay attention to your own self respect and what you allow.
Lay out ultimatums if need be....tell.youre not happy and this and this need to change.
But nah....this smells of something like borderline or Avoidant personality.
Listen to the bloodied warriors....no kids? Get out!!!!
Don't live in this miserable land of confusion. Think abou the confusion and uncertainty you're in every. Single. Long. Day.


Sent from my SM-S908U1 using Tapatalk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And seriously, do not have unprotected sex with her!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SoConfused822 said:


> To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...
> 
> This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.
> 
> ...


Why would you think she's cheating?
Sounds like you married a woman-child to me and now comes the tantrum.

Let her go, find one that's not nuts.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Run as fast as you can


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Live with it Or get rid of it...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SoConfused822 said:


> .......My marriage is less than 6 months old. .......I don't think she loves me anymore
> 
> ..... She had recently said such things as *we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me*. *The wedding was a mistake.*
> 
> ...


I think you need to focus on what happened around the time the fights started before the wedding. She is making it clear that she views the wedding as a mistake.

Your asking her "if she wants a divorce" is not the right question. The question should be either (1) what would a good marriage look like? or (2) Does she want each of you to fulfill your roles in a marriage? 

She is giving you very clear signals that she is not happy with being married to you. You should find out why and you should find out what role you may have played in causing this change of heart. Of course she may have never lived on her own or with anyone before and the changes were too overwhelming for her, but still she should have been committed to the marriage.

Make sure you don't end up having any children until you get this resolved.

Good luck.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

How long were you together before getting married? Did you rush into something? This behavior is very strange and not what a healthy relationship looks like. Get out now.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Has she specified why she thinks the wedding is a mistake? Surely she followed up with her reasons?


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Vorpal said:


> Sounds like multiple personality disorder. Divorce all of them. Honestly I see nothing good coming from continuation of this marriage.


I've had this as a possibility for the last year. I'm starting to agree with your recommendation.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Has she specified why she thinks the wedding is a mistake? Surely she followed up with her reasons?


I'm an asshole because I ask for simple things like affection, acknowledgement I'm speaking or even in the room. Just general request for respect are apparently too much to ask for and in turn by asking I'm badgering her. Though, these occurrences aren't after a fight , they happen minutes or hours later after not seeing or speaking with her. It's like wtf just happened and wher we did the person I last talk with go? Almost like she has a twin and they swap out when I leave. It's crazy.

Point being, nothing coherent or conclusively stated no.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

lmucamac said:


> How long were you together before getting married? Did you rush into something? This behavior is very strange and not what a healthy relationship looks like. Get out now.


A year.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I think you need to focus on what happened around the time the fights started before the wedding. She is making it clear that she views the wedding as a mistake.
> 
> Your asking her "if she wants a divorce" is not the right question. The question should be either (1) what would a good marriage look like? or (2) Does she want each of you to fulfill your roles in a marriage?
> 
> ...


I do agree with all of this, and 1 and 2. I've asked in many ways and it's basically not xlear what she really wants to the point im.certain she has no idea. She has never truly lived on her own and without narrowing things we'll say she is very close with her family. They are clear signs and her response is basically asking me to stay away, not talk to her or touch her, and it's essentially her asking to be alone. Thus the question do you want a divorce. 

Problem really stems from lack of communication, 99% of the time stone walling or insulting me. Sge even spent a week after a fight related to financial issues due to secrets and keeping things from me, and she slept in the other room a week. Second month of marriage. I'm ready to just give up as everyone suggest. Anyone I talk to or knows the story fully says the same. 

You will all judge and make fun of me but there was a time, a long time together we were happy. The only time I've ever seen that kind of happiness in someone's eyes is everytime I see my kids from my ex wife. I don't want to lose her but none of these actions recently make sense. Most of this aside from the stonewalling during disagreements is a new development in the last few months. Thus I feel she is having either an emotional or physical affair.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


SoConfused822 said:



You will all judge and make fun of me but there was a time, a long time together we were happy. The only time I've ever seen that kind of happiness in someone's eyes is everytime I see my kids from my ex wife. I don't want to lose her but none of these actions recently make sense. Most of this aside from the stonewalling during disagreements is a new development in the last few months. Thus I feel she is having either an emotional or physical affair.

Click to expand...

*That was then, this is NOW. 

No one is making fun of you. We just know when to STOP allowing ourselves to be **** on by someone who doesn't RESPECT us, or beg them to love us day after day as they continue to **** all over us. There is *ZERO* pride or self-respect in acting like that.

Here's a wild guess - I'm willing to bet your paychecks are more than 'acceptable" to this prize you married, aren't they? I'll assume the unacceptable things are basically YOU and/or touching you in any way or loving you.

Get to a lawyer and stop allowing yourself to be used and disrespected! Seriously. 

Find your *dignity*, OP.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SoConfused822 said:


> To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...
> 
> This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.
> 
> ...


Divorce, she has another.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That was then, this is NOW.
> 
> No one is making fun of you. We just know when to STOP allowing ourselves to be *** on by someone who doesn't RESPECT us, or beg them to love us day after day as they continue to *** all over us. There is *ZERO* pride or self-respect in acting like that.
> 
> ...


I'm starting to learn that was then this is now. My current check no. Before I met her yes, and same with my short term potential.

I do know I'm doing myself a disservice. I guess I fell into the I've put so much time, money, and effort into this. We had so much going for us and it mysteriously fell apart trap. With hopes it can be course corrected.

I agree I need to stop letting it happen. I suppose I'm in belief that whatever I've done to make her act this way can be corrected. Also understand that I'm not filling in all the gaps from her point of view because quite frankly I don't know them. I suppose I'm also thinking somehow the way she's treating me is the way she feels I'm treating her, and I'm sacrificing self respect for hope of fixing this mysteriously broken love we had. She can't possibly be acting this way for no reason. I just wish I knew how she felt or what the reasons were.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Divorce, she has another.


It does cross my mind.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Like your ass was on fire!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Madness is real, you have met it up close.

Relish the good times you had prior to the wedding 

Relish those, the rest is rubbish.

Be more discerning and ⚠ cautious going forward.

Life can be an adventure, view this as one that was harrowing.

One, soon, over and done.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Divorce, she has another.


Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like that even if there is NOT someone else?

why do people think that only an affair justifies dissolving a relationship where they are being treated with such contempt and disregard?

in this case it would pretty much be a good thing if she was involved with someone else if it would motivate you to hand her over to him and wash your hands if her.

it may have seemed like a good idea at the time to get married, but she is right in that it is now a mistake to remain in this situation.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

I appreciate you all. I guess I needed to hear these things from other people. It's alot to take in I mean going on 2 straight years of planning our lifetime out, kids, house, businesses, only to go full stop because of several bad months is just scary. It's so final. So much wasted time and effort. I see everyone's points.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you stay with her you are basically signing up for more of the same behavior from her.

stay or go… but stay knowing you make an agreement to tolerate this behavior from her.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Is it possible that something happened with one of the wedding guests before or around the time of the wedding?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, it doesn't really matter what it was, but what it is now. It doesn't matter that you love her, because love has nothing to do with your situation.

What it matters is that you are acting like someone that lost his self respect and dignity by standing idle in this situation not knowing which way to turn. 

Those that have boundaries, self respect, dignity, balls, and confidence in themselves would not waste one more minute in such a relationship.

Time to immediately end things. You don't tell her anything, get divorce/annulment papers ready and serve her. Then, you tell her goodbye,and keep her in your rearview mirror.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

SoConfused822 said:


> With hopes it can be course corrected.


Based on what you've described, this doesn't seem remotely possible. I think your wife wanted to be married, possibly because of family expectations, and whoever ended up being her husband didn't particularly matter to her. She did all the things necessary pre-marriage to make sure the marriage happened (sex, kindness, etc.). But now that she's married, she's resentful about the reality of marriage--that she's accountable to someone else. In any case, I doubt that she has the skills to be honest with herself or do what's necessary to address her issues. Whether she's multiple-personality, or just borderline personality disorder doesn't matter at this point, because it seems that she lacks some fundamental level of maturity that is a prerequisite for marriage.

It doesn't matter if she's having an affair or not. You need to bail out of this situation regardless of the outcome. If you don't, you will be more miserable in the future than you are now.

If she has spending issues (i.e. financial infidelity), you need to cancel all joint credit cards asap, or you could be on the hook for some huge debts post-divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SoConfused822 said:


> I do agree with all of this, and 1 and 2. I've asked in many ways and it's basically not xlear what she really wants to the point im.certain she has no idea. *She has never truly lived on her own and without narrowing things we'll say she is very close with her family. *They are clear signs and her response is basically asking me to stay away, not talk to her or touch her, and it's essentially her asking to be alone. Thus the question do you want a divorce.
> 
> *Problem really stems from lack of communication, 99% of the time stone walling or insulting me*. Sge even spent a week after a fight related to financial issues due to secrets and keeping things from me, and she slept in the other room a week. Second month of marriage. I'm ready to just give up as everyone suggest. Anyone I talk to or knows the story fully says the same.
> 
> You will all judge and make fun of me but there was a time, a long time together we were happy. The only time I've ever seen that kind of happiness in someone's eyes is *everytime I see my kids from my ex wife*. I don't want to lose her but none of these actions recently make sense. Most of this aside from the stonewalling during disagreements is a new development in the last few months. Thus I feel she is having either an emotional or physical affair.


A few additional comments/questions.

(1) If she is really close to her family and this is the first time she is living on her own, you might be able to talk to her mother or father and tell them what is happening and how you are reaching your limits. I would not be surprised is she is horribly immature and not being an adult about becoming a wife.
(2) Her stonewalling and insults sound like how a spoiled little girl, who is not getting her way. While you signed on to be a husband and not a father to her, you may be the only adult in your marriage. That is a really hard place to be as you want a wife/lover/partner, not someone to raise and education on being an adult. If you really feel the problem is communication, you might try marriage counseling as a way of having someone else provide your wife with some education on how adults communicate and interact. In fact getting her parents to suggest it to her might help convince your wife.
(3) You indicate you have children by another marriage and were divorced. What lead to that divorce? You might want to really do some introspection on if you have any personality traits that lead to that divorce and this set of marital problems.

Again, Good luck.

P.S. You need to set some boundaries for both her and for yourself. I would figure out a time line at which you will give up and file for divorce and then share it with her and her family. You need some hard boundaries as you can't single-handedly save your marriage, she needs to accept that she wants it saved and will commit to the process of saving it.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Do not tell her what you plan to do. Best thing to do is act like usual but go see a lawyer and start moving money from joint accounts into new ones in your name only.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

Buy a small voice activated recorder or download an app for your phone. Keep it with you and recording during anything that has potential to blow up with her. TAM has numerous stories of false domestic violence complaints being made by wacked out or vicious wives. Remember when the cops are called, if you have a penis, you’re wrong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@SoConfused822 After only six months and protests from her that her marrying you was a mistake, seek legal advice on the possibility of an annulment.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> (1) If she is really close to her family and this is the first time she is living on her own, you might be able to talk to her mother or father


I would advice OP against getting her parents involved. This is a marriage between two people and it should stay as such, besides, her parents loyalties will side with their daughter.

Whatever the reasons of this woman behavior, the problem here is that OP after having been told that the marriage was a mistake, is still there poundering what to do, when in reality he should have dumped her the moment she said it, and has been saying about him and the marriage.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Here is what you do.

Tell her you are done fighting with and for her. Read the 180. 

Talk with a divorce lawyer and start the process.

Once the divorce papers are ready, call her parents to come and pick her up. Tell them exactly what has been going on. Tell them that you believe that she is cheating on you. Only do this part if you own the house you’re in or if your name is on the lease. Verify this with your lawyer as well.

Let her know that you will be divorcing her. That you are taken care of the mistake that happened.

I would suggest having some of your family and friends there when this goes down.

She doesn’t love you.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Too many responses to point things out individually. I will simply say I'm taking everyone's advice into consideration. I understand each viewpoint and have been giving it all alot of thought. Also, she has never been disrespectful or the like before. Our arguments have taken her to a place I haven't seen. She dies act super immature for her age and it's a known fact she is a spoiled brat. Partly due to having been born into money early on, partly being spoiled by her parents. It was never directed towards me until recent. 

Thanks everyone. I'll keep you updated as things unfold when I don't act the way she is expecting me to. I already have a date in the near future when things either get worked out or I'm filing. Appreciate everyone. I really needed to hear all of this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm afraid that all you will be doing is prolonging the inevitable.

People like her, a spoil brat and with a sense of entitlement, seldom if ever change. Quite the contrary, they get worse as time goes by and they don't see that entitlement being met.

You do you, but as I said, the most probable scenario in your situation will be either you, and most likely her before you do ending the relationship.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> I would advice OP against getting her parents involved. This is a marriage between two people and it should stay as such, besides, her parents loyalties will side with their daughter.
> 
> Whatever the reasons of this woman behavior, the problem here is that OP after having been told that the marriage was a mistake, is still there poundering what to do, when in reality he should have dumped her the moment she said it, and has been saying about him and the marriage.


While I understand that the marriage is between the OP and his wife, I also understand that historical significance of a traditional wedding ceremony. In the ceremony the people closest to the couple come together to stand to support and recognize the marriage. 

Also, the OP has said that his wife was a spoiled brat and this is her first time living with someone. She sounds incredibly immature.

In such a situation, "if he(the OP) still loves her and wants to continue the marriage" he will need to get through to his bratty wife. Who better than her parents, if she won't listen to him? 

You are right that if everyone was an adult, then it should be just between the OP and his wife. I don't view it that way, which is why I recommended otherwise.

Again, if he gives up on the marriage, then yeah, just divorce her. He doesn't sound like he has given up quite yet.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Still talk with a divorce lawyer to know what to expect. They can help you by letting you know what might change the long you live in this hell in earth.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Young at Heart said:


> While I understand that the marriage is between the OP and his wife, I also understand that historical significance of a traditional wedding ceremony. In the ceremony the people closest to the couple come together to stand to support and recognize the marriage.
> 
> Also, the OP has said that his wife was a spoiled brat and this is her first time living with someone. She sounds incredibly immature.
> 
> ...


I haven't given up yet. I pray ill get through to her by my deadline. I agree her father might help, her mother and I don't see eye to eye, I'd rather keep it between me and her atm.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

ABHale said:


> Still talk with a divorce lawyer to know what to expect. They can help you by letting you know what might change the long you live in this hell in earth.


I checked this out a month ago and took extensive notes from about 2 dozen questions I had. I called several in fact and narrowed my option to 1 if I must go this route.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Google "borderline personality disorder" OP. I think a light may go off in your head as you read up on it.


You are, most definitely, dealing with a personality disordered wife. Research the Cluster B personality disorders. Your life will be shortened living with someone like this.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

SoConfused822 said:


> I'm an asshole because I ask for simple things like affection, acknowledgement I'm speaking or even in the room. Just general request for respect are apparently too much to ask for and in turn by asking I'm badgering her. Though, these occurrences aren't after a fight , they happen minutes or hours later after not seeing or speaking with her. It's like wtf just happened and wher we did the person I last talk with go? Almost like she has a twin and they swap out when I leave. It's crazy.
> 
> Point being, nothing coherent or conclusively stated no.


This is exactly what it is like being married toa Cluster B person. Run, please.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

SoConfused822 said:


> I'm starting to learn that was then this is now. My current check no. Before I met her yes, and same with my short term potential.
> 
> I do know I'm doing myself a disservice. I guess I fell into the I've put so much time, money, and effort into this. We had so much going for us and it mysteriously fell apart trap. With hopes it can be course corrected.
> 
> I agree I need to stop letting it happen. I suppose I'm in belief that whatever I've done to make her act this way can be corrected. Also understand that I'm not filling in all the gaps from her point of view because quite frankly I don't know them. I suppose I'm also thinking somehow the way she's treating me is the way she feels I'm treating her, and I'm sacrificing self respect for hope of fixing this mysteriously broken love we had. She can't possibly be acting this way for no reason. I just wish I knew how she felt or what the reasons were.


You will drive yourself crazy dealing with her. She has a personality disorder.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Megaforce said:


> You are, most definitely, dealing with a personality disordered wife. Research the Cluster B personality disorders. Your life will be shortened living with someone like this.


I just read about Cluster B personalities and I'm in disbelief. The definitions describe exactly the things she sees to be acting like and saying. I'm not sure what to think. Thanks.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

She sounds like a nightmare. Extremely immature and seems very attached to her parents. What’s with that scenario?

I’m sorry your first marriage didn’t work out. 

How the hell does she behave around your kids?


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> She sounds like a nightmare. Extremely immature and seems very attached to her parents. What’s with that scenario?
> 
> I’m sorry your first marriage didn’t work out.
> 
> How the hell does she behave around your kids?


There are times where it seems surreal and others it's perfect thus I thought MPD. Her family as a whole is super close. The scenario was a major factor in deciding to propose or not.

When she is around my kids she is the ideal parent, step or otherwise. My kids have loved her from the first day I decided to introduce them. Tearing them all apart is another major factor with fixing the marriage. 

No worries, and thank you, but my first marriage was simply a mistake from day 1 and i knew this. Got her pregnant, did the right thing, etc etc. This marriage now started off as head over heels in love fairytale mode, even after the honeymoon phase it was still strong.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You should still be in the honeymoon phase.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

ABHale said:


> You should still be in the honeymoon phase.


I would have hoped. We had some big arguments months before the wedding that slowed it down alot tbh. We've been through alot of heavy life events leading up to the wedding. Caused some turmoil but unexpected and out of our control. The damage to our relationship was done though.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SoConfused822 said:


> No worries, and thank you, but my first marriage was simply a mistake from day 1



And you don't think that this marriage is a mistake also?

It seems that you haven't learned.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> And you don't think that this marriage is a mistake also?
> 
> It seems that you haven't learned.


Not sure yet or I'd be on the phone with the lawyer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SoConfused822 said:


> Not sure yet or I'd be on the phone with the lawyer.


I think you should just to see what your legal status is.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

SoConfused822 said:


> I just read about Cluster B personalities and I'm in disbelief. The definitions describe exactly the things she sees to be acting like and saying. I'm not sure what to think. Thanks.


Then you should try to get her into therapy to get a professional to evaluate her. Try to find one familiar with treating Cluster B personalities, but you don't need to explain those suspicions to her, just that you think she's having problems. Jumping to a diagnosis like that might make her defensive and resist talking to a therapist.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I get flashbacks reading your description of your wife's s behaviors. The evolution of them is classic for a Cluster B.
The initial honeymoon period, then painting you black; gaslighting you into questioning if you are the cause; silent treatments etc. Just classic.
And, most of the time a Cluster B avoids therapy and a diagnosis like the plague, particularly the narcissists and sociopaths. 
You may just have to be satisfied that your own observations and perceptions are accurate, as getting a professional diagnosis is really tough due to both the avoidance of therapy and their well honed ability to fool therapists. Their behavior goes on behind closed doors, like most abuse does. In front of all but the most skilled therapists, they are very practiced at wearing a mask.
They , also, seem to thrive on the conflict they create and have endless energy for it. It goes on and on. No way to live.
And, all this is regardless of any infidelty, which, BTW is rampant with the disordered.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> And, most of the time a Cluster B avoids therapy and a diagnosis like the plague, particularly the narcissists and sociopaths.


Correct, and they typically believe they do no wrong, but getting her into therapy could depend on how self-aware she is of what she's doing and how much she suspects the therapist will blame her. If you do try to get her into therapy, don't tell her that you are trying to diagnose or blame her. If she won't do it, you probably can't convince her to.



Megaforce said:


> You may just have to be satisfied that your own observations and perceptions are accurate, as getting a professional diagnosis is really tough due to both the avoidance of therapy and their well honed ability to fool therapists. Their behavior goes on behind closed doors, like most abuse does. In front of all but the most skilled therapists, they are very practiced at wearing a mask.
> They , also, seem to thrive on the conflict they create and have endless energy for it. It goes on and on. No way to live.
> And, all this is regardless of any infidelty, which, BTW is rampant with the disordered.


This is also all correct. I'm generally wary of amateur or self- psychological diagnosis of people, especially over the Internet, but the clues do seem pretty strong here.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Correct, and they typically believe they do no wrong, but getting her into therapy could depend on how self-aware she is of what she's doing and how much she suspects the therapist will blame her. If you do try to get her into therapy, don't tell her that you are trying to diagnose or blame her. If she won't do it, you probably can't convince her to.
> 
> 
> 
> This is also all correct. I'm generally wary of amateur or self- psychological diagnosis of people, especially over the Internet, but the clues do seem pretty strong here.


I understand re the amateur diagnosis or even a professional one done remotely. But, as noted, it is really tough to get a PD person to seek a diagnosis or therapy.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

SoConfused822 said:


> To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...
> 
> This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.
> 
> ...


Eject,Eject,Eject


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The talk of therapy for her is nice and comes from good-hearted people. But it's a suggestion he should make on his way out the door.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Tatsuhiko said:


> The talk of therapy for her is nice and comes from good-hearted people. But it's a suggestion he should make on his way out the door.


Therapy is said to be ineffective with most Clust er B types.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

So the thought of therapy was fine on her end as long as I'm the only one who goes. Funny thing is we talked about couples counseling before we married as we were having arguments before the wedding. Now that it became real and time to .... no, just for me.

Anyways, after a series of events since I posted this and 2 ruined holidays. Not to have the ending seem flat and boring, but these are facts and my life so oh well. We've decided to divorce. I'm still in shock but it is what it is I guess.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You're doing the right thing. Someday when she grows up and has 10 years of therapy, she might be ready for marriage.


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## SoConfused822 (19 d ago)

You give me too much credit. I still do want to work this out. She obviously doesn't want to be in my life and frankly I'm just tired of being the only one trying. Nor do i want someone in my life who doesnt 100% want to be there. If she were mature enough to put in effort I'd still be fighting for us. 

You're right though. In a few years she might be ready. I'll never know and have to start figuring out how to not even care.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

SoConfused822 said:


> So the thought of therapy was fine on her end as long as I'm the only one who goes. Funny thing is we talked about couples counseling before we married as we were having arguments before the wedding. Now that it became real and time to .... no, just for me.
> 
> Anyways, after a series of events since I posted this and 2 ruined holidays. Not to have the ending seem flat and boring, but these are facts and my life so oh well. We've decided to divorce. I'm still in shock but it is what it is I guess.


Believe me, once you get out of a relationship with a Cluster B type, you will be relieved. One, gradually, loses oneself becoming unrecognizable after a while with all the abuse, both ambient and direct overt abuse.
What you described of her behaviors is egregious abuse. It wears you down to a nub over time.
Glad you are getting out. She sounds monstrous.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SoConfused822 said:


> I do know I'm doing myself a disservice. I guess I fell into the I've put so much time, money, and effort into this. We had so much going for us and it mysteriously fell apart trap. With hopes it can be course corrected.


You dated for a year before you married her, and you’ve been married less than a year? If so, you have almost no time into this. I have socks older than this relationship. 
You need to cut her now, and next time date someone for over 2 years and vet them intensively before you marry them. This is who she really is, and you likely would have learned that had you dated her longer.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

The demise of your relationship, coming rather suddenly, precipitously, after an initial period of relative bliss fits right I to the pattern of a relationship with a Cluster B. As you read more about the evolution of these relationships and hear from others, you will see just how common this is.
There are explanations for it, but suffice to say what happened to you is very, very common. It should bolster your confidence that you were with an abusive Cluster B( redundant, I know).
Now may come the part where you start second guessing yourself, wondering if it was you with the problem. This is due, in part, to the fact that these folks offer no explanation for their suddenly painting you black. The events that trigger them doing so are, for the most part, irrational, bizzaro. Could be you folded a napkin wrong, or parked your car a certain way- no exaggeration. 
One way to combat this self doubt is to go back and examine your relationships with other people, ones close to you that really know you. 
You will see that no one feels about you the way your wife does. You will see that if there was an issue between you and these folks, you could work it out. The difference will be obvious.
Typically, a Cluster B's abuse wears one down gradually making you question reality. They have boundless energy for this. It is somewhat constant, interspersed with episodes where they treat one well out of the blue. This type of intermittent reinforcement drives you nuts.
Do not doubt yourself. Harken back to some of her more egregious episodes, like long term silent treatments or rages etc. Rely on your friends and family. Often, they could see this about her but kept their mouths shut for fear of interfering.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SoConfused822 said:


> You give me too much credit. I still do want to work this out. She obviously doesn't want to be in my life and frankly I'm just tired of being the only one trying. Nor do i want someone in my life who doesnt 100% want to be there. If she were mature enough to put in effort I'd still be fighting for us.
> 
> You're right though. In a few years she might be ready. I'll never know and have to start figuring out how to not even care.


Very understandable that you want it to work out, you love her. In the end though, you will be better off with this divorce.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

SoConfused822 said:


> Not sure yet or I'd be on the phone with the lawyer.


You only dated her a year?  You know that right there is deserving of a slap up side the head. What were you thinking?


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

SoConfused822 said:


> To not isolate my situation to where people can figure out who I am i will state the following. We are late 30s. My marriage is less than 6 months old. We married and moved in together the same week. Nothing has gone well but I love her. I don't think she loves me anymore and here is my story and suspected infidelity...
> 
> This happened during a fight... She had recently said such things as we will never have kids together, one of our primary focuses going into wedding planning, having kids. She is keeping me around until she can find someone to replace me. She hates me. She doesnt trust me. Should have never married me. The wedding was a mistake. She doesn't say I love you anymore. Recently she has for the first time gone into a phase where in bed she won't let me touch her or talk to her but if someone calls like her dad or friends, plenty of time for them. She's awake all the sudden.
> 
> ...


OMG dude... do you really need advise on this? You're married to a monster.

LEAVE!!


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