# Overwhelmed... To separate or not



## mhb1212 (Jan 14, 2015)

I've been married for 10 years. I have three children under 10. My Husband lost his job in December. His unemployment just ended. I run a successful business from home running an at home daycare (watching 8 kids under 5). My job doesn't pay enough to pay all the bills, but does take care of our daycare needs, mortgage, and some of our monthly bills. Here are some issues I'm having right now;


He went behind my back and spent a big chunk of money without discussing it with me.

We agreed he would find a job similar to the one he lost so we could regain our income and security for our family (since he blew our safety net). He's gone on about 6 interviews and nothing. I'm convinced some part of him sabotaged them because he didn't want that kind of job.

He's always taking personality tests to find a job he wants. He's 48. I just want to build back up our financial security for the future. Not everyone loves their job, sometimes you have to just suck it up, too little too late.

He's continuing to make bad choices about money

We are just two nice people raising our children together, he is not affectionate towards me in any way. We maybe hug occasionally, not really setting a good example of love for our children. 

We split the household duties pretty well, however with him not working I wish he would help out more. He's barely hanging on to his duties. I asked him to get a part-time job until he gets a real job and he gave me the speech that it's not really worth what he would make. He also recently tried to bid on $300 golf clubs without telling me (he didn't win them, or know that the e-mail came to me from e-bay), when I told him it upset me, he just said he didn't win them and didn't expect to... he wouldn't have ACTUALLY forked over the money...but then why bid? 

I'm feeling stuck. If I approach the subject of his past money indiscretions he just basically tries to flip it on me, as I'm being unreasonable since he already apologized and I keep bringing up the past, but it still bothers me. How could he disrespect me that way? We're talking thousands of dollars, not hundreds. 

Do I trial separate? Am I being selfish for wanting to separate? How do I kick him out? Do I need a lawyer? My Children love their father, he is a good Dad. It will mean a lot of changes for my children and me, is this just a bump in our marriage. Has anyone survived this? He's willing to go to counseling, but of course he would need a job so we could afford it. I'm ready to pull out my hair, only I won't because of all this stress it's triggered my auto immune disorder alopecia, so my hair is literally falling out from stress (Lucky it's underneath my top layer, but it's so scary and sad). I'm feeling overwhelmed, overworked and under appreciated. The trust and respect is dwindling and my self-esteem is at an all time low. Sorry this is long!


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Seizing control of your finances solves the immediate problem but you don't need a child that you give an allowance to, you need a partner in dealing with life. If you have to shut them out of your accounts, what kind of marriage do you have? You guys have to get on the same page.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your husband leaves, will you be able to stay where you are living?


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Reading your story, i can imagine your situation. Your husband has lost his job. Not you're footing in and he doesn't seem to appreciate it. He spends indiscriminately and doesn't seem to admit he's faults.

You may be tired and feel like walking away from everything, but for the kids. Imagine no affection. 

Now the question is? Is all you want financial security. Or do you want more? Because the way i see it, there is more beneath the surface. And one thing is obvious. You want (and expect) your husband to behave in certain ways but he's not.

Have you considered x-raying your communication patterns with him? because it's not just about what you say. It's how you say it. And men and women are different psychologically.

For example, men don't play with their ego. Imagine him spending so much money on not so important things. That's how irrational they can be a times. But beating ourselves about it won't work. We need to get a way to get around it. And contrary to popular belief, men can change.

It all boils down to communication patter.


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