# Not sure what to do....



## Ak tank (Feb 26, 2011)

Ok, this is my first time doing anything like this, but I feel like I need help. My wife and I have been together for 10 years this week and married for 2 1/2. I recently discovered she has been talking with another man online and now she thinks she loves him. We were on a vacation together when I found out, and because we had other family with us we decided not to let them know about it. It tore me up inside though. On the way home she changed her flights so she could meet up with him for the first time. They met for a few hours and that is the only actual contact they have had, otherwise its just phone and internet time. She says she loves me but doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore. She tells me its not a good idea to get a divorce right now since we just bought a house and we have other things together. I still lover her dearly and want to make things work. I am trying to give her space right now like she asks and things go up and down. I go over to do laundry or something and she will want to talk to me then we will talk for an hour about our relationship and it ends kinda sadly for me because of the things she says. then the next time im at the house she will ask me to come lay down with her and we will hold each other for 20-30 minutes and it makes me feel good about things. I think she is confused but don't know what to do. I'm not living at home right now because she says it makes her stress out, but she texts me at night and always wants a hug when i see her. I need guidance, I don't want my marriage to end. Any input would be appreciated.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

She doesn't want a divorce because she wants the best of both worlds. The excitement of an affair with the security of a husband. You have to take that away. She has to choose one of you. Be firm with her that, in order to continue having you, she has to end it with him.

Search the forum here for a no-contact letter. That should be step one. If she refuses to cut off contact with him, then you should cut off contact with her.

The good news is that, by asserting yourself, you may provide some of the excitement she has been getting from the other man. This may encourage her to choose you over him. But even if you lose her, it will be better than living in a three-person marriage.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can any one say cake eating?

Sorry for your sitch. it will be tough but you need to stand up and refuse to share. You know damb well that if the OM was closer she wouldn't be getting comfort from you but from him. She is think of being held, She will take you for seconds, until some day she can be with him.

So if you want to help her get unconfused, then there are steps you can take.
First and for most, move back home.
Second tell her as stressful as this is for her you will not tolorate sharing your her.
The next step and this is the toughest part.....tell her, unless she stops all contact with OM you will follow through with a divorce, you will not hold her knowing she is thinking of the OM, and until there is a NC you will not discuss anything with her. As far as your concerned she is in love with an OM and and there is nothing to talk about until she desided now.... it is either him or me.

It sound like you want to fight for this marriage, so man up stop making it easy for her. make this affair as difficult to go on, and that will and has to be stressful to her. You are making the affair way to convienent to continue so stop it and set up your boundries.

If she continues to talk to the man she thinks she love then she can move out and be with him and you will expose this affair and the reason way she has decided to leave. Exposing this affair will again increase the inconvienence of it all. 

Stop tolorating this thing, help get unconfussed by letting her know that you will not share and you want someone that is 100% commited to you and that if she won't do that, then its time to move on with out her.

Man up now, show her some tough love and force the hand "him or me right now". Right now she believes you will always be there so why should she do any thing different. She has the stability and security of being your wife, and the excitemnent and thrill of the affair with this OM. Sure the thrill may be a little less thrilling now that you know, but it will continue b/c you are not doing anything about it. 

The sh*tty thing is she might choose him and in that case it will only be a matter of time that she sees this affair as just a fantasy, and most likely the OM is married and has do intention of leaving his family to be with her. 

On the other hand, forcing your hand my pull her out of the fog she is in. Point stop sitting on your hand force her to make a dicision by telling her your boundries.

Boundries are the walls we put up to protect us from getting hurt more and continuly feeling the pain of a confused wife.

So are you going to tolorate this thing or man up and set some boundries?


----------



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Just to back up what the_guy is saying. I went along the talking/reasoning/I love you for a while thinking she would 'come round'. All I did was give her enough comfort, eventually when I did take the hard stance it was too far along and she moved out. The only way you can save this is to cut the crap and make her uncomfortable as possible. I think my wife still thinks I'm gonna be there for her, even though I filed for divorce at the beginning of the year.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Let me get this straight: she abandoned you on the way home to meet this OM, and you LET her?!?!


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Everyone else has given you sound advice. Move back into your house. She is the one cheating; she is free to leave. You also need to consult a divorce attorney to determine exactly where you stand.

You may also find it helpful to read the following thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21806-ea-already-moving-towards-pa.html. Much of that advice would also apply to you.

Hope things work out for you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Move back home TOMORROW!

If it causes her stress...too bad so sad! SHE is causing you TEN TIMES the stress.

Right now, you are AFRAID. AFRAID she will choose him over you. The sooner you realize you have NO CONTROL over her, never did, never will, the sooner you can stop freaking out and start acting as if you had your integrity back.

The ONLY - ONLY - way she will ever choose you is if you stand firm on this and say 'you stop cheating on me, or you move out.'

Trust me. I've seen this play out in hundreds of marriages, and the ONLY way to get her back to the marriage is for you to start showing a spine again. She has lost respect for you because you're nice. You provide. You're dependable. 

That's not sexy. 

A guy who'll CHEAT with a married woman...that's breathtaking and sexy and scary and gets your heart pumping.

Now, you can't go and be THAT guy for her, but you CAN move back home and start showing some balls, go caveman on her.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Im with Turnera here man. Grow a freakin pair.

How dare you let her walk all over you man. I am all about saving what can be saved, but you practically rolled the rubber on this guy. 

Im sorry for being so harsh, but seeing your post makes me want to vomit, eat it back up and vomit again. I can not even put togather a cohiesive thought and i will probably have nightmares about you for the next week.

You need some Man School. Move back into YOUR house immediately, forget the pain dude, you can deal with that later, right now you need to be offended, pissed and generally enraged. 

Every action you take right now is from a broken weak man's perspective. Are those the kind of choices you want to make? Let me lay it on the line for you... 

Your 10 years mean ZERO right now. Let's say you save the union, everything that you have been doing, that led to an affair has to be changed, so those 10 years are null and void anyways. People who save their marriages are FUTURE minded. Dont use the 10 years as an excuse.

You dont want your marriage to end? Well guess what, you are gonna have to fight for it. Not *****foot around but actually fight for it. To me it sounds like you are so desperate to save your "invested time" that you're willing to enslave yourself to do it. WRONG ANSWER. 

You can not effectively save this marriage right now. You have to get your self esteem up, and feel like you are worth 2 cents first. No man who feels he is worth anything, would allow his wife to take a flight to another mans bed. 

We arent the only ones who see this. I PROMISE YOU THAT YOUR WIFE SEES THE SAME THING. 

Again, sorry for the harshness, but Dang dude... You are killing me here.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What the eeefff is going on here. You had better do some major freken manning up here. She is playing you for a chump. What is the matter with you? This is not about love, this is an entitled spouse abusing her partner. 

Grab your nuts, get some attitude and clean house like a gangsta.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Grab your nuts, get some attitude and clean house like a gangsta.


Catherine - You are my Hero.


----------

