# Looking for Advice Again.



## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

As I have stated in earlier posts my Ex-MIL lives next door to me. We are on good terms and I get along fine with all my Exes family. I have really been trying to focus on my mental health and recover from my divorce. Around the beginning of November 2014, I stopped going to visit my Ex-MIL. 

The reason is because when I do visit she always talks about my Ex and the OW. Nothing major just normal day to day stuff. For example she would say OW's grandson had a birthday party the other day. I have consistently told her that I don't care what Ex and/or OW are doing and would rather not hear anything about them. I know she is not intentionally trying to hurt me but it does. I guess she considers OW as just a part of the family so she talks about the ex and her like she would about any other family member. I think its because she doesn't have much else going on in her life and also she just forgets (she is 86). However, I always leave her house feeling depressed because of it. 

I also "unfollowed" all of my Ex-H's family on FB. I didn't unfriend them just hit "unfollow", so I don't see and therefore don't comment on any of the posts they make and I guess they have noticed. I have received a couple of FB friend requests from two of his family members recently which I have ignored. 

Anyway, my Ex-SIL has been texting me inviting me over to visit when she was next door at her Moms the last 2 months (which she always did). I have been making excuses of being too busy, etc. 

I got a text last week asking if I wanted to come over and see the baby (her grandbaby). I made an excuse and didn't go. I did call my Ex-MIL later in the week to see if she needed any pipes covered before the hard freeze expected that night. I am trying to detach from the family but want to be here for Ex-MIL if she really needs me. (Her kids live 2 hours away).

Anyway, I saw my Ex-SIL next door this evening when I got home from work and again received another text invite. I didn't respond because, although I knew she was next door, I didn't see her text until she was already gone.

So what I am asking is What should I tell them? I don't want to cause any hard feelings between us but staying in contact with them is really hindering the healing process for me. Should I just tell them that and hope they understand? I also don't want my ExH to get the message that I'm over here pining for him which I definitely am not doing. I am just working on my emotional issues right now. 

Is there a nicer way to say "I don't feel like I am healing by staying in touch with the family." I don't want to send mixed messages to them either. I want to help my Ex-MIL if she needs me for something but I don't want to feel guilty (which I do) for not going to visit her often like I previously did.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I guess it just depends on what your intended outcome is. Do you WANT to sever ties with all the ex family? I think its commendable that you want to help your ex MIL out when you can. I also think that its really nice that his family still reaches out to you. If you dont want them all out of your life, maybe try telling them when they contact you that you would like to continue a relationship with them, but ask that they not discuss your ex when you talk or meet up. (MIL is elderly, she gets a pass for forgetting...)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Just be honest with them. 

"Thank you for the invite. As you know, the divorce was very trying; in my efforts to heal and move forward, seeing you right now would be difficult for me as it brings up old memories of my former life, etc. Thank you for understanding."

And the next time Grandma brings up the OW, look at your watch -- "Oh! Look at the time, gotta run!" I would cut her a little slack since she is 86. Like you said, I don't think she brings it up to hurt you, she just isn't using the old noodle.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

"I do want to stay connected, but I need to seperate myself from my ex. I may drop out for a while just to catch my breath. But I'll be back."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How old are your children? Is there any way that you could move?

Sorry, that probably came out a bit flippantly. Having recently moved myself, I don't say that at all lightly.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Just got a chance to reply. Thank you all for the advice. I like your suggestion SamuraiJack. I don't want to cut them out of my life for good just need a breather. I know when I start mowing my Ex-MIL's property again in the Spring I'll see more of her so I'll just say I need a break for now. 

GusP, my children are adults (24 and 27) and live their own life now. But believe me I have thought about moving several times but it's not really what I want to do and actually can't at the moment. For one, I just co-signed a loan with my son for his house since it is his first home and he and his wife had no credit to speak of (good or bad). Because of that I have to stay on his loan for 2 years before he can take me off and transfer it to him and his wife's name. The other reasons are #1 my home is completely paid off; #2 I have a renter on the back of my property (same guy for the last 7 years) and he pays me cash money promptly every month for rent; and #3 a gas well was just drilled on the 362 acres behind my property and I may be entitled to some mineral right profits (signed the paperwork, now I pray they hit some gas). So, you see, financially it doesn't make a lot of sense for me to move. 

Also, my ex-H has recently promised to sign over his Mom's property to me if and when anything ever happens to her (because we purchased it for her and I guess because I keep it up for her). However, I'm definitely not make any life decisions based on that promise. I'll only believe that when I see it.


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## kapil (Jan 15, 2015)

Ihello Baseballmom6,

in my opinion, give her a last chance. If she is talking to ex, take time to convince her, say it gives me loads of anger. You can take advice from an expert also. Alice Branton can help you in better ways. her website is trivedimasterwellnes dot com


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah. Understood. I guess you'll just have to resign yourself to spending less time over there w/ her.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Keep the visits to mil short and less frequent, and when she mentions your ex just say ' sorry, it upsets me to hear about him' and then change the topic or say you have something in the oven or are expected at a friends and leave. At 86 she will slip up. If you love your ex mil it would be very hard to go NC with her totally.


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