# He is Threatening Divorce Again PLEASE HELP



## thebia (Jun 25, 2010)

My husband and i have been married for almost 7 months. We live apart the whole time we have been dating because he is in the military and im in another state finishing up nursing school. We dont get along due to my "smothering" him and his bipolar issues. But we do love each other. We separated for a week last month. He said he just wasnt happy. he wanted a divorce. Then he got back with me cause he missed me and I promised id work on everything. We got back together and I thought it was fine and yesterday morning I get a phone call from him saying he needs space. (he would never cheat so i know its nobody) I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said no.. 5 minutes later i was upset and bewildered and he said he did want one. again. Im so lost.. i dont know how to survive this. My dad said i shouldnt call/text him and he might come back again. Guys, he wont even answer my phone calls.. like last time.. but last time i begged for him back and now i dont feel like i did anything wrong. he says i dont listen, that i havent changed. Do you think he is just bluffing again or is serious? What can i do?
I want him back..


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## nikita88 (Jun 25, 2010)

I'm sorry, I've recently been there. My husband was stationed in Georgia, and I was in California going to school. The same thing happened. He never wanted to talk or text. He said he thought he was bipolar and just needed space. He was so far away that i felt phone conversations were all we had. Once he had an online thing with an ex and i caught him. I was so shocked. I thought he would never ever do that. I jumped a plane and surprised him in GA one weekend and worked things out and forgave him. Time went on and he went back to not wanting to talk to me. One day he apologized, said he loved me and would be home soon and couldnt wait to hold me. That was the last time I heard from him for a month. I started calling his base and found out that he had been awol for a week before he stopped talking to me. Idk why I took him back after that. I loved him, or maybe the five years of memories we shared together. I blamed it on the distance between us, and a thousand other things. It hurts to be rejected by the person who matters most to you. When he came back, he was stand offish and I was scared to lose him. We had sex his first day back. I thought we were going to work things out and our love would see us through. I'm now almost 5 months pregnant and we're still struggling. Take what he is doing as a serious warning sign. Its early in your marriage and he isn't treating you right. He may not be the person you knew before. The military is a whole different crowd. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you just set up a legal separation, and let you both take time off to regroup, and see what happens? What you're doing isn't working.


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## thebia (Jun 25, 2010)

I just dont believe a legal separation will make things better. Most often they end in divorce. I just think he is bluffing again because he is pissed off. I want to try and coax him into talking to me and working it out like i did last time which seemed to work. But my dad and friends say i shouldnt even call/text. Dad said coming from a guy, it will make him come around. But somehow i feel the longer we go without talking the worse things will get. But last time seriously he said he wanted a divorce, wouldnt talk to me for 2 days, said he was filing papers. Then i started IMing him and he started talking and he said he didnt know if he still wanted a divorce> he missed me. Do you really think he wants one? I meant yesterday at first he said he did NOT and then said he did when i kepy bugging him..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That was my subtle way of saying I think you _should _divorce.

You can't MAKE him change. You can't MAKE him want what you want. All you can do is BE what he wants, if he is what YOU want, so that he CHOOSES you. Bugging him so much that he decides to hold off on the papers will not change the reason for him wanting it in the first place. That reason is that he is not HAPPY being with you.

Find a good marriage counselor and vow to go at least 5 times, to see if you can make any headway. If not, give up and move on to someone more compatible.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

thebia said:


> he says i dont listen, that i havent changed.


I think he is trying to honestly tell you why he's had enough. What does he mean by this? If there are specific issues he cannot live with and you have promised to change but not done so it sounds as if he is done. If you really want to work things out, figure out specifically what he means by this and if you agree it would be a positive thing for you to change about yourself, do it! 

I think your dad is right in that begging is not the answer. If anything, acknowledging his feelings and giving him specific steps you are taking to improve yourself might have a bigger impact on how he feels about staying in the marriage.


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## sage.xwifez (Jun 5, 2010)

I think you need to read your own posts, pretend you haven't written them and that they have been written by someone you love dearly (sister, daughter etc) What would you advise?

Bi-polar disorder is a term thrown around far too easily these days, but if your husband is truly Bi-polar it doesn't sound to me from your posts that you are up to dealing with the situation. Back off, deal with your own pain, love and nurture yourself and if you've got enough energy left after all that do some research into Bi-polar disorder. 

You are not just fighting for someone you are fighting an illness and unless he's getting the right sort of help you can't win. You might win for a while but when his emotional pendulum swings back the other way you will lose. Is that the kind of life you really want? Is that the kind of life you would want for someone you love? 

I know what I'm talking about, I've battled bi-polar disorder for 15 years and I can only really say that I have had lasting success in the last two.
You can't save him, he has to do that for himself. 

Wishing you all the very best.


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## thebia (Jun 25, 2010)

Well we just talked. He said that he just wants to be left alone for awhile. and asked if i could do that. i said yes and i would give him a week. and then i asked if it would help us. he said we will see. i said i love you and he said i love you back..


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## thebia (Jun 25, 2010)

but THEN i checked our bank account statements and I see he has been spending $70 on PORN MEMEBERSHIPS every month. and i asked him if he watches porn and he said no. he lied to me. i understand that we are apart and only see each other on weekends but he should never lie.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No he shouldn't. But there are a lot of other things that shouldn't be going on in your marriage, either.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

thebia said:


> but THEN i checked our bank account statements and I see he has been spending $70 on PORN MEMEBERSHIPS every month. and i asked him if he watches porn and he said no. he lied to me. i understand that we are apart and only see each other on weekends but he should never lie.



Denial is the most primitive defense mechanism. You might like to take a look at Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia to understand what you're dealing with. It's very complex and kicks authenticity and trust in the relationship right out the window.

Some people just don't know the truth often has far less implications than the original offense. They go right through their life not knowing that.

Bob


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## thebia (Jun 25, 2010)

well i think i just figured out whats going on. as women we tend to escalate an arguement one way or another. i shouldnt have even asked if he was wanting a divorce when he said he just needed a little space cause then i made it an option. but i do not think a divorce is what he wants, i just kept bugging him and asking to where he got pissed and said yes. but yesterday i asked why hasnt he sent me papers and he said he is in no rush, then he told me all he wanted was just to be left alone for a while and he asked if i could do that. so i gave him one week to space and to think. and he then said he loved me. so no talking/texting for a week, its soooo hard.


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