# I want to test my theory, but I am afraid of the outcome



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

In the last month, I decide to push on the sex issues that I was having with my husband, We were in a sex starved marriage from day one of our marriage, he didn't sleep in the bed with me, and never initiated sex,no oral sex on his end, no touching, When we did have sex it was okay and he had soem ED issues as well which drove him not to want to have sex.

Back ground story
We have been together for 15 years and married for 6 years.we are both 33. I noticed after we got married that the drive for sex wasn't there from his side. He seemed not interested and I resented him for it. I began depressed and not confident and we fought a lot with issues like chores, my job (which was so stressful I ended up taking medical leave), financial issues, moving in with my mom, his depression that cause him to be off and on of work. We haven't had a easy road, but we manage to get back on track. We had our first child, but sex didn't happen for most my pregnancy and also cause we were living with my mom so I had no desire. I had a csection, and recovered from that and we probably only had sex 3-4 times a year after she was born and she is 3 now. Also during the time we ended up having our second child who is almost one which also caused a huge delay in recovery as I had complications after my csection. This is our back story regarding sex, but we are the best of friends and I know he loves me deeply and can't be without me but to me thats not enough. Feel kinda wrong even thinking that, but its true. I want the whole package.


So I started with sexting him, and wearing nothing but a rob around the house, and even lingerie . I intimated sex, and talked about what I wanted again in our sex life, More regularly, oral for the both us, and more physically relationship. 

In this last month he has made an effort to come to bed everynight, and hasn't refused sex so we have been having sex 2-3 times a week, hes been involved in foreplay that he is making an effort to pleasure me and arouse me. It's been a huge change. He's enjoying sex too, and we have started with some things we hadn't done in years like oral and toys, We have even brought in couples porn twice which as been great for the both of us. However, I am the one who is 90% initiating this, as he as only sent me a few texts which were vague and not detailed, so no real effort. 

I want to be wanted too, and have brought this up. I don't want to always be the needy one. It makes me feel pathetic 

I don't know where his drive is, and I know he is not cheating because he doesn't go out at all. 

I want to test out my theory, if I didn't initiate sex then would he finally come to me for a change now. I am also worried if he doesn't than I am I jsut going to be miserable and resentful towards my best friend forever and end up having an affair with someone.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> So I started with sexting him, and wearing nothing but a rob around the house, and even lingerie . I intimated sex, and talked about what I wanted again in our sex life, More regularly, oral for the both us, and more physically relationship.
> 
> In this last month he has made an effort to come to bed everynight, and hasn't refused sex so we have been having sex 2-3 times a week, hes been involved in foreplay that he is making an effort to pleasure me and arouse me. It's been a huge change. He's enjoying sex too, and we have started with some things we hadn't done in years like oral and toys, We have even brought in couples porn twice which as been great for the both of us. However, I am the one who is 90% initiating this, as he as only sent me a few texts which were vague and not detailed, so no real effort.
> 
> ...


If he's just truly LD (for whatever reason), then yes your theory will probably fail to bring you what you want. He will just forget about sex.

He won't know what to do to show you that you are wanted, if he's truly LD. 

So if that is the case, then what you are doing now is how your sex life will have to be if you want the higher frequency. You will have to initiate and be the one with ideas and showing you want him. He may never do that back for you. It if isn't in him, he just won't. Or he may try a few times but not be able to keep it up.

If it makes you feel any better at all...I've known several women with a situation likes yours. There are two on TAM I know of (Miss Scarlett and The Curious Wife), and probably more here I have forgotten about at this moment but...anyway, I just wanted you to know this so maybe you wouldn't feel so alone about it. Even though it doesn't offer you any help for changing the dynamic.

You could try what others have tried, which is decide if you would ever leave him over the lack of good sex and if you would, then when you get to the point of no return (which is different for everyone), then if you make an ultimatum, he might step up his game in the face of maybe losing you.

Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it gets just enough sex coming in that the HD partner doesn't leave yet, but ends up miserable again in no time.

I'm sorry I don't have better news.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Could He have a reverse modona/wh... Complex ? Dated a girl in the 80's whose previous boyfriend would not allow her to give him oral because he respected and loved her, although he enjoyed giving her oral. A random sl.t at a bar was different story.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First, let me say I totally agree with @Faithful Wife in that your guy is not an initiator wrt sex and it's not likely to change or change very much. But I see more hope in your sitch because you've gone from sexless to 2-3 times a week without resorting to ultimatums, T therapy, or vasodialators, and that is HUGE!

I don't think you should stop what you're doing, except that actual physical part of reaching for him at the end of the day. Essentially what you're doing now is working because you're getting him to have sex on his brain. With sex on his brain he is now thinking about sex and following that up with wanting sex. You are partially arousing him which makes him want sex so when you do reach out for him he is aready expecting to have sex. Unfortunately, he is still waiting for you to reach out to him.

So keep with the sexy slVt wear, keep sexting him, keep saying tonight baby, then get in bed and roll toward him and wait to see if he rolls toward you. If he doesn't allow it. Try not to be hurt about it. Say it out loud for him. "Not interested in sex tonight?" And if he confirms don't huff and puff. Just say "well maybe tomorrow then." If this keeps up for two weeks then you know for sure that this will be your life. That all romance and all erotic moods will be done 100% by you. That all sex will be 100% on you. If you're okay with that... I know I wouldn't be so don't feel like you're being short sighted by leaving a perfectly good man. If he was so perfectly good why isn't he devouring his hot sexy wife on the regular?


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

Just as an experiment, I did this last year. I wasn't gonna initiate with my W because I also always felt like the pathetic one. I finally caved of course. 8 months later! So I did the experiment. But I didn't get it for 8 months. I was very hurt by her non interest. I don't know if it was worth it. Just made me feel worse. 

We had a deal recently to do 2x / week. She's already come up with excuses on a handful of days so far. So I will again do the 'non initiating' experiment. But this time, I'm more concerned about getting more active with my life on my end. Kinda like a 180. She's complained that I have put so much pressure on her about it and for sex to be the main thing that gives me confidence and stuff is just too much . So, just trying to see if I can get a life, and maybe she'll come around. 

Careful with your experiment. You may get an answer that's painful


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I believe the one positive thing about LD males is readily available Rx aides.
When I hit my mid to late 40's I could tell that my libido was tanked and it really pissed me off even though I am the HD in our relationship. 
I was not going to let my balls fall off. Androgel to the rescue. This stuff will grow your husband a pair in short order.
Easy to apply. Just two applications once a day on my shoulders and I am good to go. I noticed a change in about 3 days.

He sounds motivated to make your marriage good. 

Get some. You will both be happy.

Also helped with losing weight, energy and general state of mind.
It makes you feel like a man, again!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*The most viable solution you can hope for is to just show him what makes you happy sexually and share that with him in hopes that he will respond well and try to reciprocate. * Nothing more, nothing less. 

You can not desire for him to desire you sexually as his desires for companionship could likely be fulfilled in different ways (such as close friendship or caring for each other) which by your definition is not the "whole package." But you have to let him know that you love and accept him for who he is as opposed to possibly making him feel inadequate.

Personally I believe life itself is purposely designed so that we find ourselves in imperfect situations. Without this we would not drive ourselves to learn and love each other better. So optimistically take this as a challenge to learn more about yourself and your husband and how you can work together to become closer. Otherwise life would be boring. 

One small piece of advice, is that you may want to explore tantric lovemaking in which orgasm (for him) is not a goal or even techniques in which orgasm should be delayed over a course of multiple lovemaking sessions for a few days. The point of this is that you should not force him to orgasm if he is LD, try to explore situations in which he orgasms with little or no effort and this will likely improve his enjoyment and ramp up his desire.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> I want to test out my theory, if I didn't initiate sex then would he finally come to me for a change now. I am also worried if he doesn't than I am I jsut going to be miserable and resentful towards my best friend forever and end up having an affair with someone.


PS: In case you can not recognize it, your theory is essentially a passive aggressive temper tantrum. Generally speaking if you want to know the answer, just ask him in a loving way if he feels like he needs more space or time to try initiating on his own.

If you withhold without explaining why, he is a man and it will send him mixed signals. We don't understand games, you just have to spell it out for us and then ask us if we understood what was just said to make sure we were listing.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think it's definitely a great idea, in fact, I've even tried it myself and trust me, it's doesn't work. You'll just end up not having sex for the whole time of the experiment. 

Maybe it's time to get tough with him and tell him if his attitude toward initiating doesn't change you will consider divorcing him. He needs to know that this is very important to you and you don't want to be with someone that makes you feel unwanted.


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> If he's just truly LD (for whatever reason), then yes your theory will probably fail to bring you what you want. He will just forget about sex.
> 
> He won't know what to do to show you that you are wanted, if he's truly LD.
> 
> ...


I don't know if hes a true LD or if it was all the other factos that drove us to this point. Truly I dont even need 2to 3 times a week. 1 to 2 woukd be fine. I don't want to drive him a way but I just want to keet have way. Maybe his way of initiating sex is these vague messages. I have a feeling that my theory will be more of a failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think you should stop what you're doing, except that actual physical part of reaching for him at the end of the day. Essentially what you're doing now is working because you're getting him to have sex on his brain. With sex on his brain he is now thinking about sex and following that up with wanting sex. You are partially arousing him which makes him want sex so when you do reach out for him he is aready expecting to have sex. Unfortunately, he is still waiting for you to reach out to him.
> 
> So keep with the sexy slVt wear, keep sexting him, keep saying tonight baby, then get in bed and roll toward him and wait to see if he rolls toward you. If he doesn't allow it. Try not to be hurt about it. Say it out loud for him. "Not interested in sex tonight?" And if he confirms don't huff and puff. Just say "well maybe tomorrow then." If this keeps up for two weeks then you know for sure that this will be your life. That all romance and all erotic moods will be done 100% by you. That all sex will be 100% on you. If you're okay with that... I know I wouldn't be so don't feel like you're being short sighted by leaving a perfectly good man. If he was so perfectly good why isn't he devouring his hot sexy wife on the regular?


Again you have provided me some great advice, so thank you. I think I am going to slow it down a bit as he said he would like once a week on the weekend which I get we are busy working and taking care of 2 small kids. It was my lady week , so yesterday I told him I was in the market again. He told me yesterday that he was tired but sent me a text while at you. Very vague so I will see he will meet me half way. I don't know why his desire for me isn't there and I am working on my physical left and trying to lose the weight so that will help. I am on the heavier side but I have only gained 20 since we have gotten married but I have also had two kids. Yes gained weight too but it doesn't bother me and I still lust for him the same as I did 15 years ago. Maybe I am a bit hurt that I am not desired the same way. Maybe he is starting to lust for me again. I think he just got use to self pleasuring but is finally back into it and interested in in me again.

Based on the major of the responses I have got so far, I should just keep intaiting my husband not to confuse as my theory will be a painful miserable end.:crying:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@Angel82.

First, your weight. You need to put that out of your head entirely! I have it on very good authority that a man who feels loved by his wife never notices the pounds or the years. My father told me this and ever time I've posted this I've had several men tell me the exact same thing. They call it wife goggles.

Secondly, I admire how strong you are in dealing with this. I'm not sure I could do it.

I don't know how frequent it is for men to have responsive desire as it is mostly agreed that this is how most women experience their sex drives while men experience spontaneous desire. But you might want to google both terms.

I don't know how right my advice is. I've never dealt with a sex denying husband. But the other women on this thread have. So I'd tend to think they have a much better handle on this than I do.

So maybe your husband has some issue. Maybe he has responsive desire. Maybe he is on some secret power trip, though I doubt it. Maybe maybe maybe...it sure would be easier if he would talk about this better.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> In the last month, I decide to push on the sex issues that I was having with my husband, We were in a sex starved marriage from day one of our marriage, he didn't sleep in the bed with me, and never initiated sex,no oral sex on his end, no touching, When we did have sex it was okay and he had soem ED issues as well which drove him not to want to have sex.
> 
> Back ground story
> We have been together for 15 years and married for 6 years.we are both 33. I noticed after we got married that the drive for sex wasn't there from his side. He seemed not interested and I resented him for it. I began depressed and not confident and we fought a lot with issues like chores, my job (which was so stressful I ended up taking medical leave), financial issues, moving in with my mom, his depression that cause him to be off and on of work. We haven't had a easy road, but we manage to get back on track. We had our first child, but sex didn't happen for most my pregnancy and also cause we were living with my mom so I had no desire. I had a csection, and recovered from that and we probably only had sex 3-4 times a year after she was born and she is 3 now. Also during the time we ended up having our second child who is almost one which also caused a huge delay in recovery as I had complications after my csection. This is our back story regarding sex, but we are the best of friends and I know he loves me deeply and can't be without me but to me thats not enough. Feel kinda wrong even thinking that, but its true. I want the whole package.
> ...


Your experiment has been carried out in a hundred bedroom laboratories on TAM.....With the same results....Not initiating sex with an LD produces "NO SEX"


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Well as predicted it as failed with flagging colours. I didnt push but didnt give the cold shoulder. My husband had all the clues we were talking in bed cuddling and kissing but he was not in the mood, flat out told me wanted to cuddled and not have sex. Then why did u send the sext in the first place. I sit here crying from rejection as I know its only the beginning to the end


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You are only on night #1 of your theory. This process will be a marathon, not a sprint honey. (((hugs)))

Do you have a counselor you can discuss your feelings with? You will have to deal with those feelings no matter what the outcome here is. You need support if you can get any.


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> @Angel82.
> 
> First, your weight. You need to put that out of your head entirely! I have it on very good authority that a man who feels loved by his wife never notices the pounds or the years. My father told me this and ever time I've posted this I've had several men tell me the exact same thing. They call it wife goggles.


I agree with this statement and losing weight is not for my husband but for me and my confidence . I don't think its even a issue with him at all.


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> You are only on night #1 of your theory. This process will be a marathon, not a sprint honey. (((hugs)))
> 
> Do you have a counselor you can discuss your feelings with? You will have to deal with those feelings no matter what the outcome here is. You need support if you can get any.


Last night, I was in tears and upset. I felt neglected and with how things were going I thought we were in a better place. We talked, I mean argued about it yet again. One of the topics was that we might need on our own and as a couple. I feel like its not going to work and will make no difference, but I am willing to try.He finally expressed he needed more intimacy without it always leading to sex.We have been together so long and with the stress factor in the best, and are two small kids we haven't been showing other sorts of affections. I think just that candle brighten our dark room, so I am going to take two steps back and hope that it will bring us a step forward.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> He finally expressed he needed more intimacy without it always leading to sex.


It could be that the topic of sex for him is now viewed as a source of conflict between the two of you, especially if you have fussed at him not giving you enough and have cried about it in front of him. This could make his perception about intimacy be riddled with performance anxiety, stress and an overall sense he can not make you happy. 

A topic that may be helpful for you to discuss with him would be both of your views on masturbation to make sure each of your views reconcile with each other. It could be that if one of you masturbates that it could be perceived as hurtful to the other person which could be making one of the two of you feel rejected. 

If you have never masturbated in front of your husband, ask him if he would be willing to let you share that with him so that he can be with you and hold you while you do it, and be sure to share with him that it is your attraction and lust for him that drives you to enjoy it so much. This could accomplish many things. 1. He will not see you masturbating as a threat. 2. You will feel you do not have to hide your self gratification urges and that it may actually be fun to share that with him. 3. Discussing and sharing each others views on masturbation breaks down barriers of vulnerability and can indeed make the two of you much closer.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

badsanta said:


> It could be that the topic of sex for him is now viewed as a source of conflict between the two of you, especially if you have fussed at him not giving you enough and have cried about it in front of him. This could make his perception about intimacy be riddled with performance anxiety, stress and an overall sense he can not make you happy.
> 
> A topic that may be helpful for you to discuss with him would be both of your views on masturbation to make sure each of your views reconcile with each other. It could be that if one of you masturbates that it could be perceived as hurtful to the other person which could be making one of the two of you feel rejected.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wait stop just a minute. Do I understand this correctly, that he feels he is being replaced if you bring toys into your sex play with him, and also he masturbates as he turns you down?

Is this correct?


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Wait stop just a minute. Do I understand this correctly, that he feels he is being replaced if you bring toys into your sex play with him, and also he masturbates as he turns you down?
> 
> Is this correct?


Not in the last month as i have finally put my foot down and started to but in effort but in the past he was not coming to me and i wasnt going to him. He was masturbating and not coming to me for most of our marriage. We both neglected each other but we are starting new and working on it. He has told me as no need to since we have been having sex more frequently.he wants once a week anf i want more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And also he refuses to go down on you?
And he has generally slept on the couch because you move too much and it disturbs his sleep?
And he will not have sex anywhere but the bedroom, not even in the shower?
And since day one of your marriage he has routinely turned you down?

You husband does not love you. Oh he may feel ...something sort of like love, but it's not love. It's a mix of routine, familiarity, desire to not be alone, and expectations heaped on him.

If I were in your shoes I would go cold and dark on him. Communicate on important things, attend the functions necessary, be civil, but otherwise ignore him.

Just saw you response. I'm not convinced your husband is capable of what you need from him. In fact, I'm convinced that he isn't, and never will be. He is selfish. He is controlling. He needs things to be his way, on his time, and at his desire. This. Won't. Change. 

He might step it up for a bit, but won't keep it up because it's just not him.

I'm sorry dear. I really am. BTDT. Make peace with who he is or make plans to leave.


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

I have been in a cold dark place and this is my last attempt and he reverts back to his ways than i will be able to walk away from my marriage knowing i did all and it was him and not me. 

As it stands we are working on it and thats it...mc is something we might need thou i dont it will work. 

I dont think everything is black and white bit there is a grey areas so i dont think he doesnt love. 

Taking it day by day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> First, your weight. You need to put that out of your head entirely! I have it on very good authority that a man who feels loved by his wife never notices the pounds or the years.


Ha! That's a good one. Too bad it isn't true although it sounds really nice. Any guy who says he doesn't notice the pounds is lying but you gotta give him credit for trying.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

warshaw said:


> Ha! That's a good one. Too bad it isn't true although it sounds really nice. Any guy who says he doesn't notice the pounds is lying but you gotta give him credit for trying.



You must be just a delight at ****tail parties. Tell me are you from New Jersey by any chance?


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> You must be just a delight at ****tail parties. Tell me are you from New Jersey by any chance?


Nope.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

warshaw said:


> Ha! That's a good one. Too bad it isn't true although it sounds really nice. Any guy who says he doesn't notice the pounds is lying but you gotta give him credit for trying.


How about I noticed but kept drilling her like she had oil in her butt?

I agree with Anon to an extent. If Mrs. Conan got obese it would seriously affect us. I might notice some extra weight but it won't, and hasn't, slowed down my love and raging drive a bit.

Obviously people in better shape are more attractive but good love between spouses makes for good luvin! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

LostinNE said:


> Just as an experiment, I did this last year. I wasn't gonna initiate with my W because I also always felt like the pathetic one. I finally caved of course. 8 months later! So I did the experiment. But I didn't get it for 8 months. I was very hurt by her non interest. I don't know if it was worth it. Just made me feel worse.
> 
> We had a deal recently to do 2x / week. She's already come up with excuses on a handful of days so far. *So I will again do the 'non initiating' experiment.* But this time, I'm more concerned about getting more active with my life on my end. Kinda like a 180. She's complained that I have put so much pressure on her about it and for sex to be the main thing that gives me confidence and stuff is just too much . So, just trying to see if I can get a life, and maybe she'll come around.
> 
> Careful with your experiment. You may get an answer that's painful


Is that really a good idea, though? It didn't work the first time (8 months!) so it's not going to have an affect this time, either.

Listen, I'm in the same boat. My wife can take it or leave it, and IF she initiates, it's... not sexy. It's either really vague (blink and I'll miss it) or much too blunt.

So as far as that part of our sex life goes, it's not where I'd want it to be, and it likely never will. In my case, the sex IS good, though, and she and I both love each other very much, and the marriage is solid - therefore I've swallowed my pride and it is what it is.

I suggest you do the same - provided the rest of your marriage is at least good, if not better, and the sex is good, if not great. At the end of the day, if this is your only real problem, then you're doing well, IMO. No spouse will ever get everything they want out of the marriage, and it's this "keeping up with the Joneses" that can make a marriage spiral out of control.

For me, it's always been something that I know other couple friends of ours don't have a problem with, which has made me feel left out. Thus, it becomes an ego thing. Yet those same couples certainly have issues in other areas of their marriage, whereas we don't.

Something to remember - your wife may very well like sex more than you think she does. Those 8 months of no intimacy may have really gotten to her at times. I know it would get to my wife, even if she didn't say anything and carried on as usual. Some people are just like that, unfortunately. My wife likes sex, but she's just never been capable of expressing it in the way that most people do. Maybe some wires are crossed wrong or something. Maybe she's had bad experiences in the past. Maybe she was labelled a certain way when she was younger and it affected her negatively. Maybe she's never had to do the "work" to get sex and simply isn't comfortable doing it. Who knows.

But honestly, I'll tell you what others here have told me - if you're having sex several times a week (which you are now), then you have a receptive partner, and that's good. You've set your own standards for what you want (as you're allowed to do), however your wife isn't capable (not necessarily willing, it's important to mention) of doing things in a way that she isn't able to.

It's not about her doing things in a way she doesn't WANT to do them, it's about her not being able to do them in the way YOU want to.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> And also he refuses to go down on you?
> And he has generally slept on the couch because you move too much and it disturbs his sleep?
> And he will not have sex anywhere but the bedroom, not even in the shower?
> And since day one of your marriage he has routinely turned you down?
> ...


That's one possibility, but not the only one.

In my experience, some people are just not capable of dealing with stress/pressure, etc. and they retreat within themselves. It can very, very easily become the defacto response to things if left unchecked, to the point where it's an unthinking response in situations and scenarios that can cause this. Some people just put SO much pressure on themselves, that any sort of challenge to their reaction compounds this pressure, and you have a cycle that's hard to break.

So let's say something triggered this in the husband. Maybe it was getting married. Maybe once, years ago, OP gave her husband instruction in the bedroom and he took it to mean he's not a good lover. Who knows? Not everybody has the self-esteem to deal with things properly.

It's possible his response to whatever pressure he initially felt was to withdraw and remove himself from the situation(s) that caused him stress or anxiety. Not sleeping in the bedroom and/or not initiating sex will accomplish that.

I'm not suggesting OP DID something to cause this, as some people are just naturally sensitive and/or have low self-esteem. You never know what can trigger this sort of thing.

In this case, I would suggest counselling. The kind where you go as a couple as well as where the counsellor will see you both individually.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> What else can i do to reassure that i am not replacing him? Should i give him the only if hes present then ill use it. I just dont know what to do.


Assuming you give in and masturbate, which is very common for individuals with a higher desire than their spouse, this is my advice. *Be sure and talk about this with your husband so that you are fully aware of your views on masturbation as a couple. * Be very aware that your individual views could be very different and riddled with shame. You have to get to a point in the conversation where there is no shame surrounding this topic, you can compare how the two of you feel, and possibly *find ways to share your self exploration thoughts with each other*.

For instance my wife was raised Catholic and taught that masturbation is a sin, whereas I enjoy it to the extreme as I can do it for hours on end as a form of tantric self exploration. Obviously this caused us a lot of problems in our relationship until we finally reconciled our views as best we could so that we better understand each other. She now accepts me as kind of a "bad boy" and admits that she likes me sharing that side of myself with her and using it to improve our relationship. 

Also keep in mind if one of the two of you does not masturbate that much or has never been creative with it in the event it has been shrouded in shame that it could have stunted mental sexual growth. Speaking purely mentally, sexuality is a topic on which the brain must exercise in order to improve its ability and capacity. If one of the two of you was more gifted sexually when you married, it is possible that the other has been coasting off of your abilities and has never had to learn their own sexuality for themselves in order to better share it with you. 

Much like two people pair up in science class to do a lab, one person will likely have to carry the other person along in order to be successful. Perhaps the other person will begin learning some things, but it requires a great deal of patience and communication!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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