# RELIEF and even HAPPINESS felt (at least temporarily) - is this wrong?



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Well - after my attorney consult a week or so ago and having time to really, really think through all of this again - despite having been thinking about it and posting about it for YEARS - now that I have decided to go through with this, I am feeling a huge burden lifted already and I haven't even DONE anything yet other than that consult. I dare say I am even feeling a little bit HAPPY and optimistic. Is it crazy to feel that way?? I am talking about ending a 25 year marriage, disrupting lives, and changing my future and my family's future forever. How in the world can I really feel happy and optimistic???

I honestly have been having anxiety attacks and a lot of crying coming home from work because I just dread coming home. He is even "behaving" now and hasn't had any angry tirades in a couple of months. I keep having flashbacks to the last one - some of his words, his facial expressions, the sheer physical and mental anguish I suffered from all of that - and I find myself upset on the commute home just thinking about coming back home.

I KNOW this is not going to be an easy process, but it seems odd to me that I just have this overwhelming sense of relief and YES, even a little happiness. Am I setting myself up?!

I would NOT be in this place mentally without this board. THANK YOU for all who have put up with me for years!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That feeling is because you've finally made a decision and all of the indecision you've lived with for years is ending. Yes, the divorce process can be tough -- full of ups and downs -- but the decision is made and that's a big step forward. You're right to feel good about it.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> That feeling is because you've finally made a decision and the period of indecision you've lived with for years is ending. Yes, the divorce process can be tough -- full of ups and downs -- but the decision is made and that's a big step forward. You're right to feel good about it.



I have battled indecision for YEARS. YEARS! I am asking myself if everything I will go through going forward will be worse than this, or if MAYBE I have been through the worst? Or at least SOME of the worst of it??? GAWD, I don't know if I can handle much more awfulness, I have been a physical and emotional wreck the last 12 months, and really before that to a lesser degree. I am hoping maybe going forward while it will be hard, maybe it will be more palatable given what I've already endured - and I KNOW, self-imposed. It's not an excuse, but the counseling I have received has really enlightened me on what goes on in the mind of someone who has been in an abusive situation - it really, really messes with your confidence, ability to cope, ability to make decisions, and to feel independent. With the help of a close friend, SHE has been my strength in coming to this latest revelation that it's just time.................TG I have gotten that mustard seed of courage that I so desperately needed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's not easy but when it's over you'll realize it's worth it. 

My marriage was much longer than yours and I resisted ending it for decades because I kept hoping it would somehow work. It never did. My only regret is waiting so long to get out. 

You've made the right decision.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It's not easy but when it's over you'll realize it's worth it.
> 
> My marriage was much longer than yours and I resisted ending it for decades because I kept hoping it would somehow work. It never did. My only regret is waiting so long to get out.
> 
> You've made the right decision.


YOu are scaring me, lol! When you say it's not easy, what was the worst part?? TRULY, what was the worst? I am one that has to be prepared. I know there will probably be some unexpected, but what in YOUR opinion was some of the worst parts of it? And do you think it was easier because you had resisted for decades and finally come to peace with a decision? How long were you married? I'm not sure I have followed all of your posts.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I have battled indecision for YEARS. YEARS! *I am asking myself if everything I will go through going forward will be worse than this, or if MAYBE I have been through the worst? Or at least SOME of the worst of it???* GAWD, I don't know if I can handle much more awfulness, I have been a physical and emotional wreck the last 12 months, and really before that to a lesser degree. I am hoping maybe going forward while it will be hard, maybe it will be more palatable given what I've already endured - and I KNOW, self-imposed. It's not an excuse, but the counseling I have received has really enlightened me on what goes on in the mind of someone who has been in an abusive situation - it really, really messes with your confidence, ability to cope, ability to make decisions, and to feel independent. With the help of a close friend, SHE has been my strength in coming to this latest revelation that it's just time.................TG I have gotten that mustard seed of courage that I so desperately needed.


Just know that once you get through the divorce that everything going forward will be on YOUR terms. There will no longer be that toxic presence in your life daily, hurting you, dragging you down, and trust me that is PRICELESS. I have been where you are, the dreading going home, etc, and its such a terrible way to live. I dont see you having to deal with anything as bad as living with this man over the years and the indecision you have been going through. You may have to deal with some crap from him to get through the process, but thats just temporary, and once you come out the other side, you get a new life! No, it wont be perfect, but as I said, it will be on YOUR terms, and I cant tell you how freeing that is!


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just know that once you get through the divorce that everything going forward will be on YOUR terms. There will no longer be that toxic presence in your life daily, hurting you, dragging you down, and trust me that is PRICELESS. I have been where you are, the dreading going home, etc, and its such a terrible way to live. I dont see you having to deal with anything as bad as living with this man over the years and the indecision you have been going through. You may have to deal with some crap from him to get through the process, but thats just temporary, and once you come out the other side, you get a new life! No, it wont be perfect, but as I said, it will be on YOUR terms, and I cant tell you how freeing that is!



I think the hard part will be if there is any second-guessing seeing pictures, momentos, etc. That's what seems to get me. I will NOT be looking at cards, letters like I did last time, put all of that up. Maybe after I tell him it will be time to take pictures off the wall, too. I seriously just keep seeing that horrible look of anger in his face every time I look at him now. I've never experienced anyone with that level of anger before. It's just so hard to explain. Terrifying and just a look of pure anger and hate (though I am sure it wasn't really hate - just never seen anything like it and don't really know how to describe it). Within INCHES of my face, and he just laughed when I finally broke down and cried. And then after the dust settles, kinda-sorta goes back to being nice like nothing ever happened. Talk about crazy-making. I need to remember THOSE times and not all of the others.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Surely its normal to feel a sense of relief if you are leaving an abusive spouse. To be free from fear and not having to walk on eggshells can only be positive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I think the hard part will be if there is any second-guessing seeing pictures, momentos, etc. That's what seems to get me. I will NOT be looking at cards, letters like I did last time, put all of that up. Maybe after I tell him it will be time to take pictures off the wall, too. I seriously just keep seeing that horrible look of anger in his face every time I look at him now. I've never experienced anyone with that level of anger before. It's just so hard to explain. Terrifying and just a look of pure anger and hate (though I am sure it wasn't really hate - just never seen anything like it and don't really know how to describe it). Within INCHES of my face, and he just laughed when I finally broke down and cried. And then after the dust settles, kinda-sorta goes back to being nice like nothing ever happened. Talk about crazy-making. I need to remember THOSE times and not all of the others.


Yes, this is what you need to keep in mind, because if you change your mind again and stay in this, THIS is what you get... nothing will change, nothing will be better. If your H is like an ex of mine, there is a pattern to all this. Once you recognize it, you can finally get to the realization that it will never change. I KNOW that look you are talking about. It was an angry look of disgust, like I was dog crap he just stepped in and scraped off his shoe. And then the same aftermath as you, just goes back to "normal" after a while, and never EVER any kind of apology.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Surely its normal to feel a sense of relief if you are leaving an abusive spouse. To be free from fear and not having to walk on eggshells can only be positive.


Diana, for years I never recognized it as abuse, just chalked it up to personality, bad temper, etc.. And honestly, it only started about 7 years ago, our early years didn't have all of that. I still struggle with even calling it abuse, I believe those who are physically abused are TRULY the ones that are abused. I know I need to change my mindset. I don't think I have ever really been clearly thinking since all of this started. Now that something has "clicked" and I am finally seeing it for what it is, I hope that I will start the healing process which I know will involve a lot of learning along the way. I hope one day I can HELP people who are going through the same.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> YOu are scaring me, lol! When you say it's not easy, what was the worst part?? TRULY, what was the worst? I am one that has to be prepared. I know there will probably be some unexpected, but what in YOUR opinion was some of the worst parts of it? And do you think it was easier because you had resisted for decades and finally come to peace with a decision? How long were you married? I'm not sure I have followed all of your posts.


I had another 20 years on you so a very long marriage. 

Once I decided I was gone I was not tempted to rethink it. I never looked back. The worst part for me truly was finally making the decision to go. I really didn't want to. I believed marriage was forever and that if I worked hard enough on it I would succeed. The problem is that I was the only one working on it. But I didn't want to give up (no divorces in my family) so I kept on trying. It just didn't work and hadn't from the beginning.

The non-easy part was just unraveling a very long marriage and all that goes with that. But making that decision was by far for me the worst part.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I joined TAM, and have stayed, mostly to reassure women in long marriages that they can get out and be happy. I know all too well that the easier path "seems" to be to stay rather than going through a divorce. The truth is that staying in a very dysfunctional or abusive marriage takes a toll over time as you continue to try to make it work with a partner who doesn't care to cooperate. It isn't worth it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I joined TAM, and have stayed, mostly to reassure women in long marriages that they can get out and be happy. I know all too well that the easier path "seems" to be to stay rather than going through a divorce. The truth is that staying in a very dysfunctional or abusive marriage takes a toll over time as you continue to try to make it work with a partner who doesn't care to cooperate. It isn't worth it.


I always point at @Openminded as one member that women in her position really need to pay attention to. She has the wisdom of this experience.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I always point at @Openminded as one member that women in her position really need to pay attention to. She has the wisdom of this experience.


That's sweet of you, 3X. I made lots of mistakes during those decades I was married and I hate to see women repeat my mistakes.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I had another 20 years on you so a very long marriage.
> 
> Once I decided I was gone I was not tempted to rethink it. I never looked back. The worst part for me truly was finally making the decision to go. I really didn't want to. I believed marriage was forever and that if I worked hard enough on it I would succeed. The problem is that I was the only one working on it. But I didn't want to give up (no divorces in my family) so I kept on trying. It just didn't work and hadn't from the beginning.
> 
> The non-easy part was just unraveling a very long marriage and all that goes with that. But making that decision was by far for me the worst part.


My thoughts EXACTLY If I worked hard enough or tried just the right thing, things would changed. I have realized there just IS no one right thing. I've been trying since 2012 to find that right thing. It's 2019. Shouldn't I have figured it out in seven years time?!?!? I think it finally clicked that there just isn't any one thing that is going to work. I'm worn out. And I'm seven years older. I don't know what all I will have to unravel. I guess that is kind of scaring me, too. But it couldn't be worse than 7 years of indecision and fighting to put a round peg in a square hole. My mental and physical health have both suffered.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

In emotional abuse the bruises and pain are not as evident, but I think they are more critical. You'd have left sooner if it had been all physical abuse. My husband swung at me with a shovel and laughed when I flinched as it was stopped close to me.

I, too, tried for years thinking I'd finally find the magic process--wrong. If I tried hard enough, I'd find how to a be the kind of wife he wanted.--nope. Relief is the gift of freedom. So glad i gave up the fight for what wasn't really a marriage. My kids insisted and safety was paramount. You can do this.....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you think of a toxic relationship as a "Pain Generator." then it makes perfect sense that life improves once it is turned off.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oh I am just so happy for you I could cry. Truly. No one should have to live with abuse. You feel relieved because you see a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. Finally. I remember dreading going home too. Especially on the weekends. I would get up early and stay away all day. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, a soft place to lay your head. I remember going to my workout classes early Saturday mornings and staying in the back row crying and crying. Crying on my way home from work and yelling in the car, I don't want to go home!!! Gosh I get teary eyed just typing it out. It's so sad. And I know the look you're talking about. I called it the rage fugue. Super scary.

Once this is all said and done, you will not believe how wonderful life is. And you will wonder why you stayed so long.

I do hope you've got a plan in place for when you tell him. It's going to get ugly, I'm afraid.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I’m really glad to see you’ve come to a final decision. I experienced something similar when I decided to leave. I knew in my bones I was doing the right thing and knowing that not only lifted so much weight off my shoulders helping me to feel lighter and happier it also gave me the courage to keep moving forward. 

Your situation is so similar to mine. So much fear and worry about what “he” will say and possibly do. I’m going to make an educated guess and say he’s full of hot air. He knows his reactions intimidate you so he’ll continue doing what he’s always done in an effort to continue to control you but once you show him you’re serious and that you won’t be bullied or intimidated he’s going to deflate. Once he sees that you’re no longer afraid he’ll probably make a last ditch effort to really scare you by going full on rage to put you back into a fearful mindset but what you need to keep in mind is that what looks like rage to you is actually a grown man having a full on temper tantrum, which isn’t very scary at all. It’s sadly pathetic. 

It took me a long time to see that my X’s anger wasn’t something to fear. He was all bark and no bite. He actually had no power over me and never did and for years he knew that but he also knew that I didn’t know that. But I woke up.

Please don’t let him bully you back into being afraid. You get to choose what you do with your life and anything you decide to do for yourself is none of his business. Period.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I don't recall all the particulars of your history, but I'm gathering he wasn't a good husband and was verbally and emotionally abusive just from what I'm reading in the replies.

What would be the hardest part? Likely, him trying to manipulate your thoughts about leaving by planting seeds of doubt in your mind that maybe you haven't made the right decision (trust me - you have), or trying to make you feel guilty or convince you that you're 'selfish' for wanting to move forward without him. And if you're currently in a fragile state, you need to really watch out for that. He sounds like the type who would happily play dirty if he had to, and using your emotions to manipulate you is really the last tool he's got in his arsenal.

I would also imagine you've been seeing a dog and pony show from him where he's suddenly turned around and is becoming a 'better man.' I always see this as SUCH a hollow offering because all those years when he could have made himself into a better man for YOU, he chose not to. He didn't care enough to want to do it. Now that he stands to LOSE something, he's suddenly all ABOUT becoming a better man.

Pfffft. My _ass_. 

Watch what happens when you tell him you're not changing your mind and you're still leaving. You'll begin to see the old not so nice husband that he's ALWAYS been. People don't really change that much at their cores. He is who he is. He's simply on his best behavior right now because he's hoping you'll change your mind.

Don't. Stay the course.

I ran through the gamut of emotions back when I chose to leave my husband. Exultation, paralyzing fear, indecision, devastation, every emotion you can imagine. But I really started getting excited about it a couple days before moving day when I was amassing all the things for my new home. I LOVED LOVED LOVED living my new place and I loved my new independence. I *still* look fondly back to that time as one of the best times of my life.

You've got this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many times a month is he angry?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> How many times a month is he angry?


Well, if I don't bring up the intimacy issues, there can be a few months in a row where he doesn't get overly angry, though he usually always is a little aggravated and short about life in general. True anger, though, it depends on if the kids have done something OR if I bring up the intimacy issues and/or his health. If any of those things happen, for sure he is angry several times in a given month. If none of those things happen, he can go a few months without any big blow-ups.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give some examples of when he is "aggravated and short."


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Give some examples of when he is "aggravated and short."


Hmm...........well, we were at a graduation that was in a church. I handed a book over him to my mother sitting on the other side (I said 'sorry for reaching') and he said something like "Can't you just wait until we are done to do that?" with that 'tone'. It really shouldn't have been a big deal. He won't wait in a restaurant if it is more than a 5-10 minute wait, starts fussing and acting all grumpy. Got mad at me when I needed help zipping my dress and had to wake him up (said I needed to give him a full 60 seconds before waking him up to start making requests, he can't wake up and immediately understand what I am saying - not sure where all of that came from). Little things like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In other words, he is not acting like a loving partner. Someone said a kid ran out of the house scared?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> In other words, he is not acting like a loving partner. Someone said a kid ran out of the house scared?


I have always called it just "being moody"............but maybe I underestimated it. Yes, he has been that way with the kids, older teenagers now (and yes, one did have to leave the house because of fear - TG THOSE incidents are NOT monthly - maybe every 3-4 months, maybe longer intervals, just depends on what they have done or what I have done. Though I have learned, shouldn't matter WHAT we have done, doesn't deserve that kind of reaction.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And you want to give him custody of your son?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So your kids are getting yelled at every 3 or 4 months?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I have always called it just "being moody"............but maybe I underestimated it. Yes, he has been that way with the kids, older teenagers now (and yes, one did have to leave the house because of fear - TG THOSE incidents are NOT monthly - maybe every 3-4 months, maybe longer intervals, just depends on what they have done or what I have done. Though I have learned, shouldn't matter WHAT we have done, doesn't deserve that kind of reaction.


And you want to leave your son with this man?? 

Surely you realize now that he isnt just "being moody", he has serious anger issues. The things you described in your previous post that he does sometimes are all perfect examples. I know exactly what you have been dealing with. For example, I stopped going places with my XH2 because of his road rage. Every outing in the car came with a side order of him getting pissed. Traffic. Stop lights. Parking. Lack of parking. Drive thru lines. God forbid you have a line anywhere for anything. Everyone in the world but him was stupid. 

You state his rages happen every 3-4 months. My ex's started out that way, even further apart than that. Over time, the time in between his tantrums got a little shorter and a little shorter, until it was happening every few weeks, sometimes more. They were triggered over nothing, things didnt even really happen that set him off. Then I was faced with days of the silent treatment. Then once he was done with his pouty fit, he just went back to talking to me and acting as if nothing happened, never an apology, and I was just supposed to go along like its all ok now. Which I did for a long time, until I had my click moment and was DONE. 

This kind of environment is toxic for children to grow up in. You state one of your kids left because of it. You should have left this man years ago if he affected your children this way, and no way in hell should he be your son's primary custodian. Do you want him to grow into the same kind of man as his dad? 

I am so so glad you finally had your click moment and are going to be getting out of this. You dont deserve to live like this and none of you deserve to be treated this way. Please take your kids with you.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> And you want to leave your son with this man??
> 
> Surely you realize now that he isnt just "being moody", he has serious anger issues. The things you described in your previous post that he does sometimes are all perfect examples. I know exactly what you have been dealing with. For example, I stopped going places with my XH2 because of his road rage. Every outing in the car came with a side order of him getting pissed. Traffic. Stop lights. Parking. Lack of parking. Drive thru lines. God forbid you have a line anywhere for anything. Everyone in the world but him was stupid.
> 
> ...


Yes, I don't go as many places with him because he just gets so upset about the simplest things. He has shown extreme remorse for being that way with the children. He hasn't raged at the youngest in over 2 years. The older one, I admit was more recent, but it is still few and far between with them. He acknowledges it was wrong, it hurt them, and honestly does a lot better with them. I hope it hasn't impacted them to where they will become the same way - and in years past, I was not in work situation where I could leave, nor did I really know it was abusive - just thought he had a temper. I honestly was CLUELESS up until recently - just thinking it was personality/temper - naive, I know  But you don't know something 'til you know, right?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I honestly was CLUELESS up until recently - just thinking it was personality/temper - naive, I know  But you don't know something 'til you know, right?


Yes, I know. And you are going to do what you need to do to get yourself into a better situation now that you know. That takes guts and we all support you from "out here".


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, I know. And you are going to do what you need to do to get yourself into a better situation now that you know. That takes guts and we all support you from "out here".


I honestly don't know how I would do it without support from people on this board - who don't even KNOW me. I am such an emotional person anyways, but it makes me tear up thinking about how people can be so good to somebody they don't even know (and of course there are always people out there who are the opposite, but I love to see the good in this world


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@LilMissSunshine, how are you doing these days? Just checking in on you!


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