# What now????



## kejamian (Dec 6, 2011)

A little over a week ago me and my husband seperated (not my idea) I came home and he told me I needed to move. I was shocked to say the least. We had seperated for 2 weeks back in August he had been having an affair and finally ended it with her. Things were much better fo a while then this happened. I suspect he is using the seperation as an excuse to screw around guilt free. He has agreed to go to MC and we have an appointment next week. We are barely talking except the occasional email. He is bipolar and I am not sure if that is part of what is going on. I am frustrated beyond belief. He says he wants our marriage to work and so do I but I feel so hurt right now. Any guidance or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he cheats and you move out?

uhhh...no, you kick him out


he has felt no consequences to his cheating whatsoever


I say see a lawyer and present him with papers, it will be the only way to wake him up, and if not then you will know your options


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

kejamian-

What you do is up to you. If you really want the marriage to work, then you are probably just going to put up with whatever crap he inflicts on you until he either comes back, or you get fed up and take control on your own terms.

If you want to skip a bunch of crap and take control on your own terms now, then here are some notions to consider.

1) Your husband is unstable. He will cheat on you. He already has cheated on you. If you choose to stay with him, you are choosing to accept that he will do this to you. Is that okay? Can you live with that?

2) It's really hard to have a working marriage when you are living separated. Now, it's one thing, if say, one of you has to go work in South Dakota for economic reasons. But "we live in the same city, we just live separate?" No, that doesn't work well at all.

3) You should contemplate filing for divorce. If he is surprised and shocked and upset, great. Tell him what he has to do to keep you, AND MAKE HIM DO THOSE THINGS. If he is mad or happy or agrees to the divorce, well, guess what? You just saved yourself from having to deal with, like, a big boatload of crap from him. Go through with the divorce and find a happy sane man who likes you so much that he wants to be around you, not separated from you.

Here's wishing you the best!


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## kejamian (Dec 6, 2011)

Thank you. I have been contemplating divorce but for financial reasons cannot afford it. I am staying with family right now and that makes it even more difficult. I wish I knew how this happened. I know that I have not been perfect and at times have been emotionally distant. I know the problems are split we have both done our share of damage to the marriage. I am just not sure if I am ready to call it quits, he keeps saying that just because we are seperated does not mean divorce and this will make our relationship stronger. I really want to stay positive but its hard.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stop blaming yourself

did you have martial problems? of course

but that decision for him to have an affair is 100% on him


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## kejamian (Dec 6, 2011)

I blame myself for the things I have done wrong in the marriage, and he is fully aware that the affairs are his fault, and knows how I feel about it. He says he is willing to do the work to repair the marriage but it seems that everything has to be on his terms.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

kejamian said:


> I blame myself for the things I have done wrong in the marriage, and he is fully aware that the affairs are his fault, and knows how I feel about it. He says he is willing to do the work to repair the marriage but it seems that everything has to be on his terms.



BUZZZZZ!!!

wrong answer 


you are the betrayed, it is on your terms if you want R. It is a gift that you give, not the other way around


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with everything Almostrecovered has posted, and will post on this thread.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

kejamian- Well, here's the tricky part. There are mistakes, and then there are MISTAKES.

"I shouldn't have called him a worthless P.O.S." is the kind of mistake that you identify, feel bad about, and try not to make a habit out of doing. It is good and healthy to have this kind of introspection, to be able to look at and critique your own behavior in the relationship, and to want to do better in the future.

"She wasn't treating me right, so I went and banged Trixie the floozy" is not really on the same level of "mistake."

In your original post here, you asked for guidance. Almostrecovered has given you solid, 100% pure gold advice, like he always does (me, I get snarky and sarcastic sometimes. It's a personal failing  )

In your followup replies, you have added more information. Your husband has cheated on you, is bipolar, has gotten you to move out (and you suspect that he is using that as an excuse to cheat on you again), and "wants to work on the marriage his way, on his terms."

Do you see that this is a totally unhealthy situation for you, mentally and emotionally? I am not a psychologist, but, given all these circumstances, and the fact that you are busy blaming yourself for the situation, I think you are suffering from low self esteem. STOP DOING THAT!

Normal people make mistakes in their relationships every day. They say mean things to each other. They are thoughtless and rude to each other. That's normal, and if its not healthy or right, its still normal. Cheating is at a whole 'nother level. Your husband has wronged you badly. And he shows no remorse for this wound he has inflicted on you. 

You sound like you're in a tough spot financially. If you can't afford to file for divorce, you probably can't afford to go get some counseling on building up your self esteem. Okay, that leaves us with self-improvement on-the-cheap.

1) Sit down and write down your expectations and requirements of a healthy marriage. As a suggestion, "no cheating" and "we live together under the same roof" should be on the list.

2) After you have completed the list, go back and re-read each item. Preface each item mentally with the words "I am a good person, deserving of love and respect, and....." so that it each item comes out something like

"I am a good person, deserving of love and respect, and I should not have a husband who cheats on me."

3) Decide whether or not your husband can deliver on your list of requirements. If you decide that he might be able to deliver, then figure out a way to communicate your requirements to him. BUT be prepared for him to choose not to meet your requirements, and be prepared to WALK AWAY if that is the choice he makes. If you bend on this, then you will be in for a lot, and I mean A LOT, of crap, misery, angst, and treatment that will make you feel lousy. Life is really too short to spend married to someone who makes you feel lousy all the time.

4) Search this site or Marriage Builders for the "180" set of behaviors. This will give you some behaviors to focus on that will strengthen you as a person in case you decide that your marriage is not worth saving. (Explore all your options here, even the ones you consider unpleasant).

You can make it through this uncomfortable period of your life. It's just going to take some work on your part.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Move home. You should not have left just cause he told you to.
If this ends in divorce and the judge sees you left, it can be considered "abandonment."

First off -- do you want the marriage to him? If so, you need to write a list out of what he needs to do to restore your trust/make you want to believe him/stay with him/treat his bi-polar disorder. 

Oh, and he needs to have no contact with the OW. At all. If she is married/partnered, you need to tell her husband about the affair, without any warning beforehand to your husband or to her.


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