# Wife an EA, almost full blow PA



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

Hello everyone.
Please first off excuse me if I may not make any sense. I am really new to this. I have been doing some reading here, and see that this may be a place that I can get some understanding and help, if not just to talk about what I am going through without being embarrassed.

I guess I should start out by giving a little background.
I met my fiance 4 years ago. We started fast and strong and all was good in the world.

My Fiance comes from an abusive marriage. She has a daughter that I have taken as my own and she knows nothing else than Me as Daddy. She was only just 2 years old when He left. I love Her like she is my own and consider Her that way also.
We have now an 8 month old baby boy together.

From what I am gathering this all started when she was pregnant with my boy. About half way into the pregnancy I lost my job due to layoffs and management changes at a Local Dealership. I was an assistant Parts Manager. It was a hard blow in a time where this area didn't have a lot of job openings. It was hard, times were hard, and we struggled financially.

I was down, out, getting turned down for jobs left and right. While I got a job, (IT work at a hotel), it was not what I wanted to do but what I had to do to take care of my family. I am finally now back into the business that I love and things for me work wise are good.

She says that during that time though, I couldn't see the beautiful life I had, all that I had, and who loved me. She says I was always depressed and in a bad mood, making Her pregnancy hard. She felt I settled for my life, and didn't appreciate Her.

This to me is the farthest from the truth, but I can't and will not ever tell anyone their feelings are wrong.

After our boy was born, all was well I thought, until I dropped the ball on V-Day. I only got a card, and a last minute one at that. I know, it was a bad mistake, and I let myself get caught up in my work, and schedule to not make time to really plan out a nice gift and nice words for Her on Valentines Day. 

This is the the time when she started to talk to Mr.A at Her work. He is a customer, and a cop. From what I tell you from here on is what I found out on my own from E-Mail, Facebook, Text.

It started out with just a friendship. She knows a few female cops and are friends with them, and met Mr.A along with them. He was a rookie cop, and young at that. She is 33, I am 27, He was 21. 

They started by just talking, then from there it got bad. Her Mother is recovering from cancer, praise the lord, and from time to time she would go over there and spend the night with the Kids to spend time with Her. Innocent in the beginning I know, but it then got excessive, with Her being over there almost once a week, or sometimes multiple times a week. 

After about my boys 5 month, she started to want to go out with the girls...live a little, spend girl time, have friends. I was cool with that. We both work really hard, we both average about 50-60 hours a week working each. Soon though, I started to just get this feeling. She didn't really want to be intimate with me, She started to get mad at me about everything, I couldn't do anything right. I do all the cleaning, cooking, fixing, of the house and all. But it wasn't enough. There was always something.

She started to go out more, and stay at Her Moms more. This is when I went through Her phone one day. I saw a text message thread from a name that was just a code....911>3411...I have no idea still what that means.

She shared a photo with this guy...over Her in some sexy underwear. I said nothing, I was shocked, there was flirting texts back and forth, but nothing X-rated. I was hurt, but scared She would leave me if I said anything. I check Her E-Mail. There was a one line link for a hotel in Atlanta, a nice hotel, with some pictures off the internet of what one of the rooms looked like.

This is when i confronted Her, asked Her why she sent this to this guy, same guy as the text but I didn't lead on to connecting the two. She explained the E_mail to Me as a mass E-Mail giving Her address out to everyone on Her Facebook cause she was going to close it, and didn't want to loose everyones info. I am not stupid, I have done, and do IT work on the side, and know the inside and out of technology. I know what mass emails look like and this was to me and exchange of info, and a first time thing to give the guy some contact info.

Things settled down with that until the situation didn't change, and I snooped again and wished I hadn't. This time I went all out in a paranoid state of loosing my family. I found out that she was going to Her moms with the kids, and then leaving to hang out with Him. They would drive around and talk, make plans to go out of town...ie..the hotel in Atlanta. From Her conversations with Him I can confirm they have only kissed, but the emotion was there. Lots of sexual attraction. HE IS SO YOUNG!!!!!!

After gathering up photos she sent Him...this time they were X-Rated, texts from him talking about not wanting to sneak around, texts from her talking about how she likes Him, I confronted Her. She at first denied having anything from Mr.A in Her phone...of course she didn't, Mr.A was 911>3411, and I told Her that, she then knew I knew.

We talked about it, and it was hard, it was like pulling teeth, she avoided everything until I had to prove I knew what was going on. She said then that it was due to me and my attitude during Her pregnancy, that I had made Her feel unappreciated, that she thought I would not change, that I drove Her away. She brought up her Last marriage and said she didn't want to feel that way. I was crushed. 

I was never mad, it was crazy, I thought and still think that I would be irate, mad, but none of that...I am numb, scared. I love Her, I feel fear, distrust, betrayed.

By the time I confronted Her, they had not been seeing or talking for a month. I waited that long. She told me that She noticed a difference in me, that she wanted to work things out, that She loves me, that she is in love with me. It is true, we have been trying to work on things...but I can't understand why she feels the way she does.

I look back and yet, it was hard when she was pregnant, but I never stopped loving Her or my family. She only saw the negative. And it drove Her to that.

We are now still working on things, after the blow up and me confronting Her, things seem good. But I still have a problem. I still check on Her facebook, email, phone. I can't stop.....it makes me sick and I know it is wrong. I think my excuse would be that a second time with this would kill me, i don't want to be blind sided. We have kids together, a family, a dog, a house. 

I want to trust Her. I need to. I still do love Her very very much, She is the love of my life but something has changed. I am paranoid...is this normal? To not be able to just forget about it like She has? I have tried to bring it up a couple of time sense then, with questions that are burning me up...but she gets then mad, that she wants to forget about it, move on, not keep bringing it up...but I still have questions. It is killing me inside.

Did they talk about me?
Did she say She loved Him?
What did they talk about? HE IS SO YOUNG?
Why did she pick Him?
Why didn't she confront me about my mood, or depression?
Why did she Do it really? She never confronted me before she did it.

I feel lost. We are still together, and we are intimate with each other....all the signs show we are back on track......

But in the back of my mind......


Sorry if this first post makes no sense...I know it is kinda a big mess....hell, i feel like a big mess.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

I just read through what I wrote. Sorry guys. 
I am not sure if I am asking for answers or what....I just need some people to talk this through with, to help me understand. I have nobody in my life who I can talk with this about. I would never tell any of my friends this.

I am so embarrassed. I feel like I have lost my manhood and am useless now. This situation is my fault I know, from what I have read I know this.....that is what I think is really hard.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

> She only saw the negative. And it drove Her to that.


This is the thesis statement of the story. 

This is NOT your fault. Nothing drove her to do anything except *her*. One of the first things many people will tell you is that you need to look at your own faults. 

While it is true that you need to evaluate yourself and learn from your mistakes, that cluster of thought needs to be interpreted apart from this. Your mistakes did NOT cause her to do this. That is absolute bull**** and it's indicative of a refusal to own up to what she's done. 

When she was being a bad wife, did YOU go have an affair? When you look at yourself, do you think that YOU would have had an excuse to go snorkeling in sin just because she went through a bad phase? Absolutely not, because you're principled. 

People will say that an affair's blame is split 50/50. That is a *LIE*. Everyone is responsible for what THEY do. You are responsible for what you did, not what she did. 

Okay, so what did you do? What are the wrongs you are guilty of? Let's look at that now. You didn't appreciate her? You didn't appreciate your life? 

Let's say for the sake of argument that's true. So you shouldn't have done those things. Your wife needed you to have a zest for her and for life. You had a failing for a certain amount of time. You shouldn't have failed her in that, but you did. 

*But you were still committed to this woman.*

What did she do? She *betrayed* you and then in a bout of insanity and denial, retroactively *blamed* you for her actions. 

**** THAT. I do *NOT* accept that. I will *NEVER* accept that. It is infantile, sinful, and *irresponsible*. And that's what it really all comes down to. 

Zero accountability. She wants to be able to do these riveting, sinful things because she doesn't understand the sheer agony they inflict upon those who love her, and because she doesn't think that there will be consequences. 

Dump this *****. There's a reason you can't trust her, and it's because she has *lied* about everything she can possibly lie about. The only things she has admitted to are the things you had irrefutable proof for.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

First thing you need to realize, her cheating is NOT your fault. She could have communicated her issues with the marriage with YOU instead of looking for outside validation.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> I guess I should start out by giving a little background.
> I met my fiance 4 years ago. We started fast and strong and all was good in the world.
> 
> *My Fiance comes from an abusive marriage.* She has a daughter that I have taken as my own and she knows nothing else than Me as Daddy. She was only just 2 years old when He left. I love Her like she is my own and consider Her that way also.
> ...




You're not married? Just engaged, right?

She likes younger men, it appears.

The reason she gave for her cheating is an excuse.

She now back with you because, even the 21 years old cop knows, there was no future with him. They got together for sex. The young cop had move on from her. Why would he want a 33 year old woman with 2 kids?

Wonder why her first marriage broke down? It'll be instructive for you to talk to her ex-husband. His story is going to vastly different than what you were told by her.

You should talk to her ex. Have a good chat with him before you marry her. Hopefully he tells you the truth. (You are raising his daughter, so he may not want his ex to go back to him for money.)


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you're still not seeing whole truth of the affair.

It was PA, she's still not telling you the full truth. She didn't plan out going to her mothers just to ride around and talk. She did it to have sex with him. 

He didn't hang out with her all that time to talk. He did it to have sex with her.

I know you want to think it was only EA with kissing, but ask yourself: How really likely would a 21 yr old guy and a woman with kids, just stop at kissing when they've got hours together alone? Maybe the first time, not certainly not the second or the rest.

So it was a full on PA - no doubt. 

She went to a lot of work to hide it from you and gaslight you. That suggests that it didn't really end, they just got better a hiding it. Things like burner phones and meeting up when you're not around. Such as her lunch break at work.

I suggest you pay the couple hundred $$$ and get her to take a polygraph. She claims they only kissed - ok great polygraph question there. She claims she's no longer cheating - another great yes/no answer.

If her mood changed back at the boy's pregnancy, you should also probe her about past affairs. Its possible she started up with someone back then.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

MtnDew said:


> I was hurt, but scared She would leave me if I said anything.


MtnDew, first of all you never deserve to have someone cheat on you, no matter what anyone says.

And also, the issue is not really if you are back together, because if she does it once, she will do it again under the same circumstances.

I get worried about the line I quoted above. This is your marriage. This is your wife. She's sending pictures of herself to other guys. I know - this is all stuff you never had a plan for because you didn't expect. But, I urge you to have an attitude adjustment here. You NEED to say something. And you need to keep saying something to the point where she knows YOU might leave. 

If you want to stay together, you need to communicate and get to a place where she knows she did wrong and she is going to expend considerable effort to repair the damage that has been done. 

And along with that, find out what drove her to do this. Maybe you can make changes too that will help the marriage.

But no one could fault you if you just wanted to get up and leave. It's your choice. Make the choice from a position of strength and not based on fear. Take charge!


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

I have went through those thoughts. Every singe time I think of leaving, I think of all of Her family She has thousands of miles away. The thought of Her taking my kids and leaving kill me. I couldn't take it.

That is not the only reason that I don't leave though. I want to believe Her, I want to be with Her, I want to trust Her. It is just so hard.

Those nights, when she was not at Her Moms, I would have the kids when She was out. 
I am a family kinda guy, sure I like to go out every now and then, but I like home, I like my family.

I never once looked twice at another woman. 
We are only engaged, not married because she wanted to not be pregnant and wear a wedding dress, but I still wear a ring. It means something to me. 
I never once cheated on Her. I have 3 numbers of the opposite sex in phone. Mother, Sister, Boss.
I don't chat with females online, over text, at work. 
I am 100% dedicated, and want Her to be the same.

We used to have such great times. I have thousands of photos and memories to prove it. I want and hope things to get back to that, and they show that they are, but I have never felt this way before.

I feel as though a part of me is dead. I want it back. I see online how people are able to forgive. I know I can, I know I want to, I even think I have, but I can't forget no matter how much I want to.

I feel like I have a sickness everytime I check Her phone, or E-Mail. I wish she would change Her passwords, I wish I could tell Her to but I know that would make things worse.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

IMO, your feelings are very natural, and it is usually difficult to forgive someone who has not yet earned your respect regarding what you are trying to forgive her for.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Apparently she hasnt matured as much as you have, even though she's older.

But you shouldn't be her enabler.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

Her last marriage was abusive. And I mean abuse when I say it. I have seen the photos and police reports. What sent it down the tube was when He beat Her to the point of sending Her to the hospital.

He was jailed, 6 months for the savage beating and she left.
He didn't appreciate Her, and talked down to Her all the time. This was also showed to me in letters and E-Mails He wrote Her.

As for the reasons, She stated when I confronted Her about it that She started to get "Warning bells" and "Red Flags" pop up in Her head over the way that I was acting, and the way that He used to.

She has sense stated that I am nothing like that, but that certain things trigger thoughts that I was doing, and not doing.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Do NOT marry her. You'll be in a world of hurt when you have to spend lots of money divorcing her.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> I have went through those thoughts. Every singe time I think of leaving, I think of all of Her family She has thousands of miles away. The thought of Her taking my kids and leaving kill me. I couldn't take it.
> 
> That is not the only reason that I don't leave though. I want to believe Her, I want to be with Her, I want to trust Her. It is just so hard.
> 
> ...


My friend, this is without a doubt going to be the most difficult part of the process. Reconciling your love for her with what she has done. 

Because it doesn't make sense in your world. The bottom line is this-- love is a different thing for you, and conjures different thoughts and principles than it does for her. 

And unfortunately what that means is that all those happy moments also meant something different to her than they did to you. I'm not saying she can't love you, I'm saying that you obviously have a more robust capacity to love than she does. 

It just sucks. It sucks so bad, but she is not trustworthy. It's horrifying but the reality is that as desperate as she seems right now, reconciliation would only reinforce her behavior. 

Her behavior is infidelity, lying, and then blaming. She's still not telling you the truth, of that I am certain. 

No way around it, this is going to be difficult for you.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Sorry to hear about this,friend. Here are a couple of thigs to start with.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT!!

Your wife, a grown woman, chose to ignore her vows and start up with another man.

She should be embarrassed. Not you.

THIS IS ALL ON HER!

She could have worked on things with you. She chose not to do the honorable thing. This is about her character.

YOUR MANHOOD IS FULLY INTACT!

Her choices have nothing do do with your masculinity. They show her character, not your manhood.

Some not so good news here-

I know you said they kissed, but the script all waywards seem to follow shows that an admission to kissing = sex.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

I am just so lost.
I would not know where to start or even How.

I am not a weak man, nor a needy one. I am not worried about making it on my own, as I am the bread winner at the house, yes she Has a good job also, but I am more than capable than supporting myself and the kids...

She makes it to be that She is sorry for what happened. At the same time though, She wraps up all that happened into a package, and not a single issue. Its like she takes responsibility for it, but it being a whole big situation, and not a single action.

I am torn because she says she loves me, is in love, wants to work on things, wants to forget, move on. How stupid it was.

She told me that it was just a stupid mistake, that He was nothing of a future for Her. Its like she felt she needed a release. She told Me that He was not a person She could ever take home to Mom, or be with. That is what hurts also, why doop down to a lower level. It is sick, but I almost wish it was a Doctor, or some rich guy.


----------



## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> Her last marriage was abusive. And I mean abuse when I say it. I have seen the photos and police reports. What sent it down the tube was when He beat Her to the point of sending Her to the hospital.
> 
> He was jailed, 6 months for the savage beating and she left.
> He didn't appreciate Her, and talked down to Her all the time. This was also showed to me in letters and E-Mails He wrote Her.
> ...


Very touchy topic, but I have to bring it up. There is no excuse for beating her up, but was the reason he beat her was because she was fooling around on him too?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> After our boy was born, all was well I thought, until I dropped the ball on V-Day. I only got a card, and a last minute one at that. I know, it was a bad mistake, and I let myself get caught up in my work, and schedule to not make time to really plan out a nice gift and nice words for Her on Valentines Day.


Your WW is so *spoiled and needy* that she needs an elaborate gift and a whole dog and pony show from you. This shows that she has an enormous sense of entitlement. Let me guess...this is a one way street right? I bet YOU didn't get anything for Valentines Day from her, right? 



MtnDew said:


> She didn't really want to be intimate with me, She started to get mad at me about everything, I couldn't do anything right. I do all the cleaning, cooking, fixing, of the house and all. But it wasn't enough. There was always something.


This is part of the symptoms of an affair...sexual withdrawal. All her emotional energy was not channeled into the OM and the affair. Having sex with you would be like cheating on OM. And yet you still do ALL the cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the household. You've really spoiled her in this department. Of course like you said, it was never enough.



MtnDew said:


> We talked about it, and it was hard, it was like pulling teeth, she avoided everything until I had to prove I knew what was going on.


Yes, cheaters will ONLY admit to what you can prove. This is standard behavior for them.



MtnDew said:


> She said then that it was due to me and my attitude during Her pregnancy, that I had made Her feel unappreciated, that she thought I would not change, that I drove Her away. She brought up her Last marriage and said she didn't want to feel that way. I was crushed.


Now we get to the blameshifting. Do not accept that you're at fault. When a WW is cheating, she will use anything to rationalize the affair because deep down they know it's wrong. You did not drive her away. And *it's wrong for her to hold her past marriage over your head, you are not her ex husband*. Don't EVER let her do that to you and use her past marriage as an excuse to treat you like sh!t. 



MtnDew said:


> By the time I confronted Her, they had not been seeing or talking for a month. I waited that long. She told me that She noticed a difference in me, that she wanted to work things out, that She loves me, that she is in love with me. It is true, we have been trying to work on things...but I can't understand why she feels the way she does.


It was only because OM dumped her, it looks like from your posts that she was the one pursuing him. And now that he dumped her, she wants back in with you. 



MtnDew said:


> I look back and yet, it was hard when she was pregnant, but I never stopped loving Her or my family. She only saw the negative. And it drove Her to that.


Yes, this yet another cheater behavior: They re-write the marital history in their head. Meaning, they only remember or exaggerate the bad and never remember the good times. This is all part of their rationalizing the affair. Yes, she was pregnant, but you were out of work, struggling to find work to support your family. Did she EVER stop to think about how you felt? Did she ever support YOU through this difficult period? Marriage is about supporting each other, and isn't a one way street. The reason she never supported you is because she is a spoiled, needy princess. The thought never occurred to her that you may need support.



MtnDew said:


> But I still have a problem. I still check on Her facebook, email, phone. I can't stop.....it makes me sick and I know it is wrong.


This is where YOU are wrong. She cheated. You're supposed to be checking up on her now, it's your right. Look at this link:

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

You have the right to verify there is NC.



MtnDew said:


> I want to trust Her. I need to. I still do love Her very very much, She is the love of my life but something has changed. I am paranoid...is this normal?


You will never have the old marriage back, because she cheated, it killed the innocence of the marriage. The old marriage is dead and gone. From this point forward, its a new marriage.



MtnDew said:


> To not be able to just forget about it like She has? I have tried to bring it up a couple of time sense then, with questions that are burning me up...but she gets then mad, that she wants to forget about it, move on, not keep bringing it up...but I still have questions. It is killing me inside.


Wrong. What she wants to do is quickly sweep this under the rug. No issues will be resolved. You say it's killing you inside, right? What this will do is build up your resentment until you can't stand it anymore. 










What this also shows is that she's not remorseful for the cheating she did. You cannot reconcile if she's not remorseful. Look at this chart, she needs to be completely remorseful, compassionate toward your feelings and willingly transparent.












MtnDew said:


> Did they talk about me?


Damn right they talked about you. Your WW had to demonize you to the OM. She probably mentioned how you were emotionally unavailable, and terrible to her during her pregnancy. Again, this is standard behavior for a cheater. They have to demonize their betrayed spouse. 



MtnDew said:


> Did she say She loved Him?


Maybe, maybe not. Most likely she did.



MtnDew said:


> What did they talk about? HE IS SO YOUNG?


They will talk about running away and being together. That's what they almost always talk about.



MtnDew said:


> Why did she pick Him?


Why do many women fall for a man in uniform? Because a uniform, especially a man with badge and a gun, is SO VERY ALPHA. That's very attractive for a lot of women. 



MtnDew said:


> Why didn't she confront me about my mood, or depression?


Because she didn't care to. Remember, she's s spoiled, needy princess. It's all about her and what she's feeling.



MtnDew said:


> Why did she Do it really? She never confronted me before she did it.


Because she's just plain selfish.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> As for the reasons, She stated when I confronted Her about it that She started to get "Warning bells" and "Red Flags" pop up in Her head over the way that I was acting, and the way that He used to.
> 
> She has sense stated that I am nothing like that, but that certain things trigger thoughts that I was doing, and not doing.


Stop - that's blameshifting by her. It's quite simply a total lie.

Look at the logic:

Hey he's acting badly --> I'll make it better by cheating.

Not:

Hey he's acting badly --> I'll talk to him, or I'll leave him.
----
I know you're hurting but you really quickly need to educate yourself about the mind games and manipulations cheaters use on the BS.

My advice is really do not marry her. Do however seek custody of your son.

Where is her remorse? Where is her trying to earn a chance to be with you?

Stop being worried about her leaving. Dude, she already has been having sex with another man. She left already. That's history.

You need to change it around and ask a different question: Why should she get the gift of being with you? 

First - she's got to come fully clean with the whole truth. Get a polygraph.

Second - she's got to be fully transparent. All email, phone, texts - you get to read whenever you want. And she needs to be fully accountable for where she is at all times.

Also no girls nights out, and those friends she went with to meet the OM - they are gone.

Third - her mother. This woman happily acted as a baby sitter while your GF went out for hours with another man. Didn't the mother think that was wrong? The daughter going out with other men while she watched the kids? You need to talk with the mother big time about this.

Fourth - Be on the watch for her about past and future affairs. She jumped into this one far to easily. I'm worried that she is a serial cheater without remorse. Perhaps the first guy left her broken towards men? Don't know, but I don't think you can trust her. Not one little step.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> I am just so lost.
> I would not know where to start or even How.
> 
> I am not a weak man, nor a needy one. I am not worried about making it on my own, as I am the bread winner at the house, yes she Has a good job also, but I am more than capable than supporting myself and the kids...
> ...


I know that you feel lost. And I know that the impulse is to blame yourself. And I'll tell you why. 

Because if it *were* your fault you would be able to do something about it. You know you love this woman, and you would do anything for her. If this problem were a matter of a personal inadequacy on YOUR part, you would change it in a heartbeat... and then everything would be healed. 

You want to believe it's your fault because if it is, you can fix it, and you would.

But that is not what is going on. For your sake I wish it were, but that is not the truth of the matter. She says it was a stupid mistake. *IT WAS.* And a stupid mistake she believes she shouldn't pay for. A stupid mistake she will do again, and call yet again a stupid mistake. 

She knew there was no future with this little prick and she betrayed you anyway. 

She says she needed release? From what? *YOU*? The man she loves? The man who provides for herself and her children? *THAT'S* what she needs a release from? 

Give her that release. That was her choice. She chose "not you". Let her face the consequences of such selfishness. Because that's what this all boils down to, man. Selfishness. 

I have no doubt that she is begging and pleading for you to forgive her, but that's because she has HER best interests in mind, not yours.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Were there any warning bells for her? 

Or is she re-writing the history of your relationship to excuse her wanting to give the police officer what he wanted?

Might be worth reporting him for what he did. A UK police officer did something similar recently, but as he did it on work time he was fired.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> She told me that it was just a stupid mistake, that He was nothing of a future for Her. Its like she felt she needed a release. She told Me that He was not a person She could ever take home to Mom, or be with. That is what hurts also, why doop down to a lower level. It is sick, but I almost wish it was a Doctor, or some rich guy.


Next time she calls it a mistake stop her and tell her:

No, it was a choice you made.

Also about the OM, point out to her that she appears to prefer A$$holes to good men. The first husband, and this guy. Again, that's what she chose.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Were there any warning bells for her?
> 
> Or is she re-writing the history of your relationship to excuse her wanting to give the police officer what he wanted?
> 
> Might be worth reporting him for what he did. A UK police officer did something similar recently, but as he did it on work time he was fired.


Yes, this is a good clear action you CAN take. Report him to the police force. He knew she was married, had kids, and was sneaking off to be with him.

Even better if you can get her to admit they met in his patrol car!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Were there any warning bells for her?
> 
> Or is she re-writing the history of your relationship to excuse her wanting to give the police officer what he wanted?
> 
> Might be worth reporting him for what he did. A UK police officer did something similar recently, but as he did it on work time he was fired.


He needs to immediately file a formal complaint with the OMs internal affairs department. He will be ordered to stay away from her at the very least. That way the WW can't re-initiate contact with the OM.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> Her last marriage was abusive. And I mean abuse when I say it. I have seen the photos and police reports. What sent it down the tube was when He beat Her to the point of sending Her to the hospital.
> 
> He was jailed, 6 months for the savage beating and she left.
> He didn't appreciate Her, and talked down to Her all the time. This was also showed to me in letters and E-Mails He wrote Her.
> ...


Oh yeah, you do ALL the cleaning, cooking, washing, and the household chores and yet warning bells and red flags were popping up for her? Bullsh!t. That's just her rationalizing her affair. She is no where near remorseful. You can't have R with her.

Are you married to her or not?


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

I want to say I really appreciate you and your quick responses.
It has been pretty hard just running over all this in my head. I totally understand where everyone is coming from.

It is so easy though to say someone should leave, but quite different to actually do it.

As for the Cop, I feel as though I am being watched. I have already once been harassed about having my arm out the window driving. I got pulled over, and was accused of road rage, them saying that I was giving the finger to another driver...not the case at all. It is hot where I live, and I hate A/C, I keep my windows down when the kids are not in the car and my arm is of course on the window area when driving...no, i don't drive 10 & 2. 

He has friends it seems, and I know that I am being watched and harassed. I know it will make it worse if I report this because I will then be a target. It is a smallish size town.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

No, we are not married. I mean I consider us to be..lol. We have been engaged for over a year, have two kids, one of them is biologically mine, house, dog, cars, bills, all together.

Only real difference to me is the piece of paper saying otherwise.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

It was sure PA, but she is still lying to you. Before you forgiving someone you should know clearly what you are forgiving, for that you need full truth. Give her a final chance to come clean without any TT (she is still inTT). Then ask her for a polygraph. If she agrees then do it without any hesitation. Dont say that she agreed so she dont have anything to hide, in most cases BS get the remaining truth at the gate of polygraph. If she refuse then leave her right then.

Forgiveness is not a thing which is given for free, its should be hard earned by WS, then only it will have the value, else they will treat your forgiveness as your weakness and WS value it that of a sanitary napkin.

Its time for you to think and analyze situation with your brain.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> He needs to immediately file a formal complaint with the OMs internal affairs department. He will be ordered to stay away from her at the very least. That way the WW can't re-initiate contact with the OM.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> He has friends it seems, and I know that I am being watched and harassed. I know it will make it worse if I report this because I will then be a target. It is a smallish size town.


Is this some small podunk PD or some good ole boy sheriff department?


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

Very much so. I don't want to say where I am from, but yes. Small town, small southern ******* PD.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> Very much so. I don't want to say where I am from, but yes. Small town, small southern ******* PD.


That sucks. If it continues then you go to your county attorney with you lawyer and threaten to sue the hell out of them. This is what's called "oppression under color of law", this means they cannot use their office (badge) to harass citizens. Most states have criminal statutes against this. Small town ******* PD or not, they'll get the message if lawyers get involved.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

I will contact I think then my HR Dept at my work and get them in contact with our Lawyer. I also think that this is one thing on top of this that I shouldn't have to deal with.

I have done nothing wrong.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> I just read through what I wrote. Sorry guys.
> I am not sure if I am asking for answers or what....I just need some people to talk this through with, to help me understand. I have nobody in my life who I can talk with this about. I would never tell any of my friends this.
> 
> I am so embarrassed. I feel like I have lost my manhood and am useless now. This situation is my fault I know, from what I have read I know this.....that is what I think is really hard.


There is nothing to be embarrassed about. She took advantage of your strong feelings for her, knowing that this puts her in control of the relationship emotionally.

Please take a step back and think about how attraction and relationships work. I'll give you a common allegory. Right now, you have a thin leash around her, clinging to the end of it, being dragged along as she tries to get to the other man. Maybe she tries to change her focus away from him, but you are still being led, begging her to come back. This will never make her attracted to you. Almost never. Something has to make her stop. Usually, its when you let go of the leash, and turn the other way that she stops and realizes that she has screwed up big time.

Tell her that you will no longer let her write the narrative of your relationship. Fine, she can go pursue a relationship with a kid. You want her more than anything, but you will no longer take the blame for her betrayal, or the blame for her forcing your hand about snooping. Or for her continual lies, which are pathetic. Give her a very short deadline for making up her mind, all or nothing, and she better be ready to give in to that decision with everything she has. You'll gas up the car in case her belongings need to go to his house. If she chooses you, transparency is required. No secret passwords until you say so. No more shifting blame for her lack of committment to the marriage. You want an adult wife, who is mature enough to help build the marriage, instead of being carried along.

Understand that a woman who did what she has done will very likely betray you again and again. Possibly your only way to find her attraction is by being the type of man who stands firm in what is right, while loving her more strongly than a 21 year old kid could ever do. Convey both sides of your decision - the love for her, and the firm resolve.

Just my opinion, and I only think it applies because she is intellectually telling you that she is committed, but her heart isn't.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Halien said:


> There is nothing to be embarrassed about. She took advantage of your strong feelings for her, knowing that this puts her in control of the relationship emotionally.
> 
> Please take a step back and think about how attraction and relationships work. I'll give you a common allegory. Right now, you have a thin leash around her, clinging to the end of it, being dragged along as she tries to get to the other man. Maybe she tries to change her focus away from him, but you are still being led, begging her to come back. This will never make her attracted to you. Almost never. Something has to make her stop. Usually, its when you let go of the leash, and turn the other way that she stops and realizes that she has screwed up big time.
> 
> ...


This is truth.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Let's see, she was 29 and you were 23 when you guys met. Now she's fooling around with a 21-year old. I think she likes her men young and you might be getting a little too old for her.

I would NEVER marry this woman. She's got some serious issues and will take you to the cleaners when you eventually have to divorce her.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

Halien said:


> There is nothing to be embarrassed about. She took advantage of your strong feelings for her, knowing that this puts her in control of the relationship emotionally.
> 
> Please take a step back and think about how attraction and relationships work. I'll give you a common allegory. Right now, you have a thin leash around her, clinging to the end of it, being dragged along as she tries to get to the other man. Maybe she tries to change her focus away from him, but you are still being led, begging her to come back. This will never make her attracted to you. Almost never. Something has to make her stop. Usually, its when you let go of the leash, and turn the other way that she stops and realizes that she has screwed up big time.
> 
> ...


This I think I can do. Very well put.
I know this is what I need to do, and I need to get over the fact that I may not get the reaction that I am looking for. Everyone else is right also. I can't just go on with the way it is now, not knowing if it will work out or if in the end, I will get blindsided down the road with the same situation.

I will confront Her when She gets home today. I think I just need to do this without thinking about it because then I will talk my self out of it.

I know deep down I have don't nothing wrong in the sense of causing this. I know I have not been perfect 100% of our relationship, but I also know that nobody is, and that in our issues and issues I have had with Her I have not made the choice She did.

I hope that this is something that can be worked through, and maybe She just truly wants to not talk about it and get past it, that She feels bad and doesn't even want to bring it up, but I guess I can't go off hope alone. I need to know. I need to know for me. I don't know how I would be able to be a good father to my children with something like this going on in my life not resolved, or at least a decision made as to what direction to go.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

Wouldn't it be nice if ignorance really was bliss? ha


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

so not only are they laughing at you, they now harass you. time to bring the pain MD. she was just another police groupie to him, so after showing the pics to his brothers in blue, they want to make sure you don't cause trouble in case one of them can talk her into a hookup. And DO NOT tell her you are talking to a lawyer before doing it. She will just let him know, and I put nothing pass dirty cops. Now ask yourself this. " would she send dirty pics if she was not so comfortable within the relationship ?" How does someone get that comfortable ?? By having sex !!! Now his buddies are mad at you for taking away one of their groupies. They already set the stage with the road rage. The warning is a paper trail to say you are just making trouble for it. So get with the lawyer the soonest. Now on to another area. You are sounding codependent. You said you could not live without her. Well, if thats the way you feel, you really do have issues that needs to be addressed in IC. There are no guarantees in life, not even that she will be faithful from here on. But hopefully now that she has seen how she was played " and yeah she know it now, thats why the anger when mentioned " , she won't be jumpin into anymore backseats. ??? When she dropped off the kids at mom's, where did mom think she was going so much ??


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Let's see, she was 29 and you were 23 when you guys met. Now she's fooling around with a 21-year old. I think she likes her men young and you might be getting a little too old for her.
> 
> I would NEVER marry this woman. She's got some serious issues and will take you to the cleaners when you eventually have to divorce her.


:iagree:

She's got some heavy baggage alright.

MtnDew, you cannot continue to let her use the excuse "I was abused in my previous marriage" to define your relationship. Its a cop out. And if you allow it, she will use this excuse each and every time she feels ignored, or when she's needy and decides to bang another man. Look, you've spoiled her enough. Just like another poster here, badbane, you're so afraid that she will perceive you as her previous abusive husband when you know you're not anything like him. 

Do not let her play the "I was abused in my previous marriage" card any longer. If she can't understand that, then she's too damaged to be a committed wife. Do not marry her.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> She's got some heavy baggage alright.
> 
> ...


When she tries to start that stuff, try this:

Her: I was abused by my ex-husband.
You: I am not him. You can't keep comparing me to him. Stop now.

If she keeps trying to harp on that old song... keep repeating the above. And don't LET her get away with it!


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

MtnDew said:


> She told me that it was just a stupid mistake, *that He was nothing of a future for Her. Its like she felt she needed a release.* She told Me that He was not a person She could ever take home to Mom, or be with. That is what hurts also, why doop down to a lower level. It is sick, but I almost wish it was a Doctor, or some rich guy.




Well, here you go. She knew there was no future with him.

Her release... is sex with other men. That desire is deep in her. Dont know how she can even get rid or control that deep urges.


That's one thing you have no control over.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

The cop issue I won't lie does have me worried a little. If I told you my town, a quick google search would pop up at least 5 stories so far this year of cops getting caught doing all kinds of wrong, immoral, criminal things. It is crazy. We even just had a judge get disbarred and thrown out due to favoritism, not allowing legit evidence, hiding things for cops and family members. I agree they are trying to make a paper trail on me. And I will not be letting Her know I am talking to a lawyer about covering myself.

As for their relationship, I know it was about 3 months long from the timeline that I gathered from the E-mails, Facebook, Text. Maybe more or less and if they used something else to communicate. I do know that going to Her work would not be suspicious due to the nature of Her job. 

And yes, I have brought that up to Her and told Her that He was running a good lip service on Her. As a man, I know all about shoulders to cry on, how the game works, and how men look at that stuff. Just a notch on the belt they say.

As for being codependent, maybe. I love my family, and I will be honest with you guys even if it makes me seem weak. I can't think of not having them. I don't know what that would be like. I have never had to think about giving everything up, so that is why it is so hard right now.

I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. That is what is conflicting in my head. I am smart enough to know though that they can't be happy without happy parents.

Maybe a break..maybe that is what we need. For Her to see that I am not always going to be here no matter what She does. For Her to see first hand what I see. What I see us missing. If maybe she sees what it is like without the life we build it will snap Her back into reality. I don't think at all though guys that this crap is still going on. I do though think that she is just trying to sweep this under the rug and forget about it without giving me the courtesy of getting over it as a victim. I can see Her viewpoint on not wanting to harp on it, and keep going over it, but I have tried it that way, and it is not helping me get over it because I still have questions and concerns that I feel are not being listened to for me to be able to get past this.

I make enough to get a small studio with like a month to month contract/lease, and still support this house here with the kids and all. Just not sure if that will be taken as a sign of me giving up, or me trying to help by giving space. She has not asked for space or anything of the like, but I think things are still raw, and that a flare up that would not be good in front of the kids would happen if I pushed to far in this house.

That is my main priority, to not let the kids get any wind of anything going on. My Father did this to my mother and I remember how they handled it.....not something I want to put my kids through.

And she wants to talk about red flags? She knows full well that the relationship I was in before Her ended with me being cheated on while my ex was in school to be a RN. She shouldn't talk about red flags.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If the local cops are harassing you, then I suggest they haven't ended the relationship.

If it really was over and done a month before you confronted - then the local cops wouldn't care since you personally never even got involved with him. Not at all.

If they are harassing you, it shows that he is still taking an active interest in you.

This guy is a 21 yr old punk. There are lots of guys behind him in line for his job. Do what Lordmayhem suggest - he knows this stuff, he is in the cop business himself and knows his stuff.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not leave your house. If anyone goes, she goes and you child stays. Even if you have to hire a sitter to help you. 

Do not let her being a cheat force you into living in a horrible place. Stay put and she goes.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If the local cops are harassing you, then I suggest they haven't ended the relationship.
> 
> If it really was over and done a month before you confronted - then the local cops wouldn't care since you personally never even got involved with him. Not at all.
> 
> ...


Indeed. Since he confronted her with the facebook and text stuff, they have probably taken it underground. Its time for keyloggers and VARs.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

She sent x-rated pictures to a 21-year old cop. I guarantee that every one of his buddies have copies and wouldn't be surprised if they're all over the internet. She has no respect for you, herself and the kids. She's a broken woman.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get yourself a few voice activate recorder (VAR). Have one with you at all times. Be sure it's on when the cops stop you, but dont let them see or know that you have one.

Protect yourself for the cops and your wife. You just dont know when she will get nasty. Her cop friends may be in it with her to get you.


----------



## MtnDew (Jun 16, 2012)

I hate my life.
She is going to be home in an hour and I will confront Her then. This will end one way or the other today.

I am going to get ready and calm down a little before She gets here as I am a little nervous and dreading this. I can't go into this though without it being a neutral attitude otherwise I think nothing will get done.

Will check back in and let you guys know what happens either way.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Get the VAR first! Too late...


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

First of all, go back to the beginning of this thread and re-read all of lordmayhem's posts. He is right on the money about everything.

Second, do not wait for these cops to build a paper trail on you. Get a lawyer involved ASAP, someone who was formerly a prosecutor in your county if possible. Tell him/her what the cops have done and said to you so far, tell him/her about your fiance's affair, let him/her know that she says it is over and was never physical but you actually don't know if it is over or if it was physical.

Third, you say you are not weak or needy. Maybe you never used to be weak or needy, but you are now. Go re-read your posts here -WEAK and NEEDY are screaming out of them. If we can see "weak" and "needy" all the way from out here in cyberspace, your fiance certainly can see it. I understand that you are afraid of losing your fiance and your family life as you know it, but being weak and needy will not help you save it. You've tried it, it's not working. You may lose your fiance no matter what you do, so you might as well keep some self respect.

Put the kids in bed as early as possible and have a talk with your fiance.

Tell her you need the truth about whether this affair is ongoing and whether she had sex with other man. _(From what you have posted so far, there's about 100% chance they had sex and about a 75% chance they still maintain contact). _Tell her you need her to take a polygraph to clear up this for you once and for all, then you can move forward with your relationship. If she refuses, that is your answer, take steps to move on without her. Be ready for this because you have been a pushover so far and she will be positive that if she calls your bluff, you will give in and beg to have her back. You have to remain firm and confident and you must be willing to require what you need to get over her affair. You must make your needs as important as hers, not always sacrifice your needs so she will do you the favor of keeping you around.

Next, tell her she must handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking her future husband and family, which mean everything in the world to her, and that if other man attempts to contact her again she will file harassment charges against him. She then give the letter to you to read it and mail it.

She also must continue to allow you to have access to all of her accounts and communication devices and account for her whereabouts 24/7 until she rebuilds trust.

Tell your fiance that you cannot control her, you can only control you and how you react to the situation that she has put you in. She has needs, and so do you. You must meet hers, and she must meet yours.

Nothing anyone is suggesting here is unreasonable given the circumstances. You would have left her already if not for the kids. Meanwhile, all of her excuses for the affair are completely unreasonable. Any normal objective person to whom you tell this story is going to agree completely with you and not at all with her. Do not let her get you confused by claiming how unreasonable you are or how you caused her cheating in any way. It's very unlikely she will ever find a man to treat her as good as you have been and her excuses for the affair are laughable. Don't give them any credence at all going forward.

If she refuses to meet your conditions, tell her you are moving on. If you own the house, do not move out, let her move out and find an apartment. You can pay child support, but don't pay for her or her apartment. Get an attorney and get an agreement in place regarding the child support. Expose the affair to her family and yours and ask for their support in saving your family. I, like another poster previously, question if her mother knew about the affair and fostered it.

This seems like a hard line, but it is likely the only way you will get the truth and get her to end what almost definitely is ongoing contact, if not continuing affair. She has to see that you are not willing to accept this type of behavior. As it is, with her laughable affair excuses, with her choice of a 21-year-old for an affair partner, with the way she has lied to you about the extent of the affair and with her ridiculous claim that she didn't have sex with the other man, with the way she has disregarded your feelings completely since supposedly ending the affair, I think she may be too broken to ever fix.


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If the local cops are harassing you, then I suggest they haven't ended the relationship.
> 
> If it really was over and done a month before you confronted - then the local cops wouldn't care since you personally never even got involved with him. Not at all.
> 
> ...


:iagree:.

I tolerated exactly similar situation several years back. (although the OM was a normal job supervisor. Now he is a very senior person in an educational establishment - Must be spoiling a lot of young girls-he was addicted to that.) and I am still repenting.

You are not married yet. Please don't get into the marriage. This may not be her first affair. This is the first one that you know or found out. There could be one or many OMs as many other posters have hinted her affection for young men. Rest assured - It wasn't only kiss. People don't take that much trouble for a kiss.

You said you love the family - but this is no family. A family needs a woman with character. You are still young - you can still find a lot of women with character.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I hate my life.
She is going to be home in an hour and I will confront Her then. This will end one way or the other today.

I am going to get ready and calm down a little before She gets here as I am a little nervous and dreading this. I can't go into this though without it being a neutral attitude otherwise I think nothing will get done.

Will check back in and let you guys know what happens either way. *

Do not confront her without the voice-activated recorder. You must protect yourself from false charges. She already has the local PD out to get you. If you have to delay the confrontation a day, delay it. One more day is not going to affect the situation one way or another, but confronting without the VAR to protect yourself against false charges could affect the entire rest of your life.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Hire a GOOD lawyer Monday.

Even podunk PDs are afraid of lawsuits, especially 1983 lawsuits. They can result in jail time for those involved. I have seen people end up with a free pass for almost anything short of committing murder if they have a good case for a 1983 suit that they threaten but do not file.

You need a good lawyer to advise you how to best proceed. Find a former Federal prosecutor or state DOJ guy.

I found myself in a similar situation once (not woman related) where I was falsely charged with a crime because I pissed someone off. I hired a former US Attorney to represent me. Word got out by design, and the SO and DA were more concerned about what I was going to do than what they were trying to do.The case was dismissed when they figured out my lawyer wasn't going to play the good ol' boy plea deal game.

During the time they tried to jam me up, I caught a sheriff's deputy on tape(unbeknownst to the deputy) engaging in egregious conduct towards me. I ended up going to the Sheriff and telling him I had what my lawyer said was a $800,000 audiotape that I really did not want to use, but would if I needed to. I told him all I wanted was for the deputy to get educated and for me to be left alone...no getting pulled over for license plate lights flickering, failure to use a turn signal, etc. I have never had a problem in the 10 years since.

A VAR is a must for dealing with the cops. A video system is even better.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Thank the Good Lord you are seeing her true colors now before you are married.

Dump her. Move on. Yes it will hurt, but far less than if you stay with her and deal with this time after time. That WILL drive you crazy.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I wonder what happened here. If only he had waited to get a VAR and a little more evidence before confronting. Hopefully he's not sitting in some jail cell on false accusations. I don't know how it works for some departments, but in our area, there actually has to be physical proof, otherwise its a "he says, she says" situation.


----------



## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Honestly, don't marry her. I don't want to seem patronizing, but you are sooo young and trust me...you will think so much different in 10 years. I sort of had/have the same problem as you through the years. I should have ended it when i was 30 and now I am 46 and still dealing with the issues and planning to finally end it. I so wish I didn't wait so long. And I love him, but just no good for each other and he is having a EA (if not PA). Now I have to deal with being a 46 year old trying to start a new life. MUCH HARDER than mid 20's!!

If your relationship is so hard and painful, let it go NOW before more time goes by...you have your whole life ahead of you and hopefully you will pick the right person for you next time.

I understand about your child...that is the hardest part. But remember, she HAS to let you see him/her on your scheduled visits. I would also have the lawyer help you so she can't move more than a certain distance from you. That child is yours too and you have rights as a father. 

I see so much of me in you....... you probably won't take the advice, but I hope you do. You will understand in a decade or two.

Find a good, honorable, loving woman!! You deserve it.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So MTN - now that you know you're dealing with a real PA - what's the plan?


----------

