# Don't want to go but he says he don't love me.



## Hurtconfusedtired (Jan 15, 2016)

I have been with my husband for 24 years. I have forgiven two affairs we have three children together now all of a sudden he won't talk to me. Accused me of talking to other men and carrying on in affairs of my own. I would never and have never done so. I personally think he is currently having medical issues he won't discuss or even admit to. I desperately love him I want to be with him. But I don't know if he loves me anymore. I'm so broken I have moments I want to just pack up my kids and go but then I don't want to at other times. I am lost don't know what to do anymore. If there is something wrong I know I can't help him if he won't help himself. I truly think he is going through a mid life crises or a medical problem. So I don't want to mess things up if that's it. He refuses to talk about it at all. I'm so depressed and torn over it all so unhealthy for us all.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hurtconfusedtired said:


> I have been with my husband for 24 years. I have forgiven two affairs we have three children together now all of a sudden he won't talk to me. Accused me of talking to other men and carrying on in affairs of my own. I would never and have never done so. I personally think he is currently having medical issues he won't discuss or even admit to. I desperately love him I want to be with him. But I don't know if he loves me anymore. I'm so broken I have moments I want to just pack up my kids and go but then I don't want to at other times. I am lost don't know what to do anymore. If there is something wrong I know I can't help him if he won't help himself. I truly think he is going through a mid life crises or a medical problem. So I don't want to mess things up if that's it. He refuses to talk about it at all. I'm so depressed and torn over it all so unhealthy for us all.


Individuals often point the finger when they are hurting inside. It is unfortunate but typical. It is often done so that individuals can avoid self-judgment. 

I recommend giving understanding so that he feels no pressure. You have NO need to defend yourself about anything, so just listen and respond to him in a very brief (fact only) manner.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Just as an experiment, pack up your kids and minimal belongings and go on a visit to "grandma's". Leave a note saying you've heard him, it has destroyed you but you are gone for good. You are doing what is best for you and your children. See if he changes his tune.

I'm guessing...yes: In a HUGE way.

The power of a kick in the gut to the guy who THINKS he has all of the power. Guaranteed to work, but nobody does it. Even my WIFE did it accidentally. But it was too late. She had checked out YEARS prior instead of trying. Now we're roommates. Barely.

Good luck to you. Go ahead and ask him if he'll go to therapy (he won't). "Tell him" how you feel (he knows), "Threaten him" with leaving (he won't care because he knows you won't, that's why you're "threatening").

Time to do, hon. Talking is over. Crying is over. He (thinks he) knows how you feel and he knows he has the upper hand. 

Crash his world and watch the magic happen.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Just as an experiment, pack up your kids and minimal belongings and go on a visit to "grandma's". Leave a note saying you've heard him, it has destroyed you but you are gone for good. You are doing what is best for you and your children. See if he changes his tune.
> 
> I'm guessing...yes: In a HUGE way.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

This is SPOT ON INFORMATION... follow it !!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Could he be having another affair and wants to upset you so you will leave him so he can be with the other women and not be the bad guy for leaving or detaching from you to be with another women. When you say medical issues are you talking about ED that is affecting your sex life or other medical issues? You are pretty forgiving, if my husband had two affairs I wouldn't be upset that he wasn't talking to me I'd be upset that he had two affairs. Just try to be nice and keep things normal for your children sake. You can't force him to talk to you.


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## Hurtconfusedtired (Jan 15, 2016)

Yes I'm talking ED I have read about it and have learned the testosterone levels can effect the mood. And I have thought of affairs none of the signs are there trust me I have looked. I do suffer from severe depressive anxiety disorder so that don't help at all. I don't blame my self I know I have done nothing wrong I try extremely hard to give him space to come to terms with what's going on in his head but can't seem to force my self to back off. He is almost 46 years old in my research I have learned of the changes in men and their hormones so I am torn is it medical and if so I don't want to leave him to handle alone I want to be there when he wakes up and realizes he needs help. If not what am I doing wasting my time being hurt and confused all the time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hurtconfusedtired said:


> Yes *I'm talking ED I have read about it and have learned the testosterone levels can effect the mood.* And I have thought of affairs none of the signs are there trust me I have looked. I do suffer from severe depressive anxiety disorder so that don't help at all. I don't blame my self I know I have done nothing wrong I try extremely hard to give him space to come to terms with what's going on in his head but can't seem to force my self to back off. *He is almost 46 years old in my research I have learned of the changes in men and their hormones* so I am torn is it medical and if so I don't want to leave him to handle alone I want to be there when he wakes up and realizes he needs help. If not what am I doing wasting my time being hurt and confused all the time.


Does your husband have a family doctor? Does he go for annual physical exams? Many man do not go to doctor nor would they go to discuss men's health issues. In my case, similar age as your husband and it was VERY hard for me to make that decision to see the doctor. My doctor checked my testosterone. My doctor talked in length about the same "men's hormones" that you reference and he is a very big advocate of SSRI drugs like zoloft. But they do have sexual side effects. Your husband's doctor would know right treatment for him. 

If the issue if "just" ED and not hormones, doctor may try Viagra type meds. Most doctors have free samples they give out during the visit for patient to try. Once ED starts the anxiety feeds the problem and ED continues or gets worse. Trying a sample of Viagra may break the cycle and restore your husband's confidence in his ability to have sex. 

Also, ED can be caused by medical issues such as obesity, diabetes, blood pressure issues etc. All the more reason for your husband to see a doctor. If your husband had cancer, he would see a doctor. ED is a medical problem and should be approached in same manner.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, you can't make him go to the Dr, a lot of men are embarrassed about going to the Dr for ED. My husband hid ED from me for months because he was so embarrassed. If he does have ED odds are he will be too embarrassed by it to cheat so that's good. Meanwhile don't sit around being confused and hurt do fun activities on your own without him. He hurt you by cheating on you twice so don't be too concerned about his health, he doesn't seem to be.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Hurtconfusedtired said:


> I want to be there when he wakes up and realizes he needs help.


And how long will you be willing to live through this hell until he wakes up and realizes it is time to be saved? 5 years? 10?

I wonder if he ever will...

You want to start saving him tomorrow? Read that really smart guy Macho McCoy's post. I hear he was converted INSTANTLY once he REALLY SAW what his wife was gong through. Once he realized his wife checked out because of his actions. He keeps trying to get people to listen to him. They don't.

He changed IMMEDIATELY once he really SAW what he was doing to his family. He was TOLD time and time again. But his DNA changed once that kick to the gut happened. It can happen to your husband.

But you will both probably choose to stay miserable instead.

Hmm. SO easy, yet so hard.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> And how long will you be willing to live through this hell until he wakes up and realizes it is time to be saved? 5 years? 10?
> 
> I wonder if he ever will...
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with the advice, MM, but this man doesn't sound worth the effort. TWO AFFAIRS?? He probably only has ED with his wife, not his AP.


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## Hurtconfusedtired (Jan 15, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Individuals often point the finger when they are hurting inside. It is unfortunate but typical. It is often done so that individuals can avoid self-judgment.
> 
> I recommend giving understanding so that he feels no pressure. You have NO need to defend yourself about anything, so just listen and respond to him in a very brief (fact only) manner.


I appreciate the advice very much. I do try to give. Him space but I just can't seem to not say anything like why don't you love me, or what have I done, or what are you doing. I know when it's already out of my mouth it hurts him and makes him more closed up. I just can't seem to stop especially when I get really upset. I try not to say I love you to him because when he won't respond in kind I get hurt and that's usually when problems restart.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hurtconfusedtired said:


> I appreciate the advice very much. I do try to give. Him space but I just can't seem to not say anything like why don't you love me, or what have I done, or what are you doing. I know when it's already out of my mouth it hurts him and makes him more closed up. I just can't seem to stop especially when I get really upset. I try not to say I love you to him because when he won't respond in kind I get hurt and that's usually when problems restart.


As long as he knows you are desperate to keep him, he will continue to mistreat you. He knows you aren't going anywhere so sees no reason to change how he is or how he treats you. Until you learn to stop groveling and be willing to lose him, nothing is going to change. No offense, but I don't know why you are so insistent on keeping him, he doesn't sound worth a damn.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I don't disagree with the advice, MM, but this man doesn't sound worth the effort. TWO AFFAIRS?? He probably only has ED with his wife, not his AP.


But the process starts the same way. He either wakes up with a come to Jesus moment or he doesn't. If he doesn't, or the OP doesn't think it's enough, she keeps walking.

But it all starts with walking.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hurtconfusedtired said:


> I appreciate the advice very much. I do try to give. Him space but I just can't seem to not say anything like why don't you love me, or what have I done, or what are you doing. I know when it's already out of my mouth it hurts him and makes him more closed up. I just can't seem to stop especially when I get really upset. I try not to say I love you to him because when he won't respond in kind I get hurt and that's usually when problems restart.


It isn't your fault. This is how everyone learned how to participate in relationships. What I teach is, often, met with self-inhibition when first attempted. This is not because it is wrong or unhealthy but just a result of doing something different. It helps to understand why the aforementioned behavior is healthy and then you have to find the strength to step out of your comfort zone. Every single time I react in the manner that I teach, I find great relief. 

When you first realize this benefit, you will gain incredible strength and confidence, making it more and more effortless in future incidences. In time, the entire communicate landscape transforms.


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## Hurtconfusedtired (Jan 15, 2016)

I took in all advice I have been starting to bring home boxes and am starting to fill them. I'm not badgering my husband about his feelings and am doing things with my kids. Things are slowly starting to improve. He I s starting to talk a little bit. I found a place I'd like to live I have family and a great support system there. I so don't want to go but I will if I have to.thank you all for the advice and for the record he is nit having a affair I know all the markers by n o w none of t h email are there but thank you for the concern.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is heart breaking for you. Please get some IC for yourself to get through this. Tell your friends and family what is happening and rely on their support. Do the 180 on your H to emotionally detach. Tell him you still love him and want to be with him but you will not wait for him forever, you are moving out and in (give him a timeframe) filing for a divorce. You want to be there for him but he is giving you no choice.

Tell him if he wants his family together then he has to
1. go see a doctor about his ED
2. get IC for himself to deal with his meltdown
3. agree to MC for you both if you end up not getting a divorce
4. Be open and transparent about things that bother him

Men in MLCs usually do not want to talk about it, they retreat into their caves. You can be supportive, loving but firm, at a distance but move on with your life and give the kids stability.


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