# Married to a Manbaby



## Fedupgirl (Dec 29, 2021)

Hello I’m new to this forum and seeking opinions and advice. My husband of 24 years has been going through a lot of behavioral fluctuations. It started 4 years ago when he made a career change. We used to work together for over a decade but four years ago he went back into the workforce. He made some fast friends (I call fake friends) some female. He crossed boundaries with one particular female whom he was “dating” while on business trips. Magically they were on most trips together and sometimes just the two of them alone. They did their share of texting, eating together, same hotel together, in same car, etc. I expressed my displeasure and we went rounds. He fought me tooth and nail about his right to keep doing this stuff, and then threatened divorce by visiting a lawyer. I was blindsided by it all. Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. Lol. 

Stupid me bawled and got upset at the prospect of losing my family (we have kids). So he decides to enact boundaries, the coworker leaves the company and things go back to normal. In fact they were great for a year going into the pandemic.

Since then he has been working from home. He has become lazy in the marriage. He stopped doing housework. He takes out our trash now once every 2-3 days. He waits until there are dozens of towels piled on the floor to carry them to the washer. He loads the sink with dishes and waits for me to get tired of it and I do them. He sits around and plays cards online instead of getting his share of work done then playing his games. I have a job as well and I work from home.

I do ALL the grocery shopping and pay for groceries ($1k per month minimum). I have a lot of resentment at him for his lack of duty around the house. I feel like I’d have more time for hobbies or furthering my career yet he seems to have time to do what he wants.

He does not encourage our sons to do any housework yet he’s fine with our daughter doing her share of it. She thinks it is sexist and complains to me all the time. My sons see how little their father does and they don’t see any reason to pitch in. Tonight, our daughter was fed up and really upset when she watched my husband waltz off to bed while leaving a huge load of dishes for us to do. Fed up myself, I go upstairs to discuss with him. (Side note- he kicked me out of our master bedroom a couple months ago because my turning over in bed and insomnia wakes him up. Since I left our bed, he keeps weird hours - goes to bed early and gets up hours early and lays in bed on his phone until getting up for work).

So I go into our bedroom. I express how upset I am about him not doing his share. He says he’s trying to relax before bed (he gets on his phone for an hour before sleeping every night so he was not asleep). He starts bickering with me. Then he tells me I have started three arguments in the last month that disrupt his nighttime routine. He is lying - he started at least half and kept them going. He then sarcastically said “you can leave the room now”. Then he turned on some loud music to drown me out. I told him that he’s a man-child who is not capable of a conversation. He then turned the flashlight on his phone and shined it into my eyes. I got upset and told him to stop. He told me he’d do it again if I don’t leave the bedroom. I kept taking and he did it again. I grabbed his phone and threw it under the bed (flashlight still on). I told him he could go get it. He said he would and then he picked it up and put in my eyes again. Then he got back into bed (charging cable connected). I grabbed the charging cable and slung it. He proceeded to shine it in my eyes again- so I poured a bottle of water on him. Got his sheets soaked. Then I left the room. The end.

This is not a joke- it is how life with my husband is. He’s a s**show. You never know how he will be- and I’m fed up with his s*.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can always take your daughter and move out. Let the rest of them fend for themselves.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ok so you think domestic violence is the best way to enforce your controlling tendencies. Good thing you are female, you might get away with it.


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## Fedupgirl (Dec 29, 2021)

Mr. Nail said:


> Ok so you think domestic violence is the best way to enforce your controlling tendencies. Good thing you are female, you might get away with it.


Perhaps you should read my post again- HE SHINES A FLASHLIGHT IN MY EYES three times and you think I am a domestic abuser? What was I supposed to do? Thank him? I grabbed the phone out of his hand to get the light out of my eyes. Didn’t lay a finger on him.


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## Fedupgirl (Dec 29, 2021)

Fedupgirl said:


> Perhaps you should read my post again- HE SHINES A FLASHLIGHT IN MY EYES three times and you think I am a domestic abuser? What was I supposed to do? Thank him? I grabbed the phone out of his hand to get the light out of my eyes. Didn’t lay a finger on him. Men these days have no chivalry or respect.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Fedupgirl said:


> Hello I’m new to this forum and seeking opinions and advice. My husband of 24 years has been going through a lot of behavioral fluctuations. It started 4 years ago when he made a career change. We used to work together for over a decade but four years ago he went back into the workforce. He made some fast friends (I call fake friends) some female. He crossed boundaries with one particular female whom he was “dating” while on business trips. Magically they were on most trips together and sometimes just the two of them alone. They did their share of texting, eating together, same hotel together, in same car, etc. I expressed my displeasure and we went rounds. He fought me tooth and nail about his right to keep doing this stuff, and then threatened divorce by visiting a lawyer. I was blindsided by it all. Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. Lol.
> 
> Stupid me bawled and got upset at the prospect of losing my family (we have kids). So he decides to enact boundaries, the coworker leaves the company and things go back to normal. In fact they were great for a year going into the pandemic.
> 
> ...


Leave him and take the kids until he changes for the better. If he refuses to change, commence the divorce.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have a cold hard boundary on violent abuse. You threw. You threw at. I don't respect anyone who does that. 
Now your husband has done wrong as well. But there is nothing i can say that will help him improve. I can only help you.
You have been advised twice to leave this situation. I also advise that. Your relationship is on the cusp of serious physical harm. Separation is the recommended move for anyone in your position.


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## Fedupgirl (Dec 29, 2021)

Mr. Nail said:


> I have a cold hard boundary on violent abuse. You threw. You threw at. I don't respect anyone who does that.
> Now your husband has done wrong as well. But there is nothing i can say that will help him improve. I can only help you.
> You have been advised twice to leave this situation. I also advise that. Your relationship is on the cusp of serious physical harm. Separation is the recommended move for anyone in your position.


Once again you have the story wrong. I did not throw anything at him or touch him. I got the phone and tossed it under the bed. He was in the bed. He shined it in my eyes three times. Nobody was touched- so no physical abuse here.


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## Fedupgirl (Dec 29, 2021)

Fedupgirl said:


> Once again you have the story wrong. I did not throw anything at him or touch him. I got the phone and tossed it under the bed. He was in the bed. He shined it in my eyes three times. Nobody was touched- so no physical abuse here.


For the record- I would NOT hit him, throw stuff and hit him or at him. He was not in danger by me at any time. I have incredible restraint when someone is pushing my buttons. He acted like a toddler by shining the light in my eyes. My post is to 1) vent 2) ask if anyone has ever experienced this with a spouse.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Fedupgirl said:


> Once again you have the story wrong. I did not throw anything at him or touch him. I got the phone and tossed it under the bed. He was in the bed. He shined it in my eyes three times. Nobody was touched- so no physical abuse here.


I think taking his phone away was a proper thing to do in itself.
I think most of us would have done that. 
It was hostile of him to do that to you, not to mention that such bright lights suddenly in the eyes can damage the retinas.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Whatever the reason he is acting this way, he is of no value to you.
Write him off.

He is only a consumer of resources, now; no value, does he add.

Make a life without him.

........................................................

Some here feel he has his side of the story, I am sure he has.

That said, his actions are not those of a quality, or a mature person.
End of story.


_Lilith-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Fedupgirl said:


> For the record- I would NOT hit him, throw stuff and hit him or at him. He was not in danger by me at any time. I have incredible restraint when someone is pushing my buttons. He acted like a toddler by shining the light in my eyes. My post is to 1) vent 2) ask if anyone has ever experienced this with a spouse.


Well you threw his phone under the bed, threw his charging cord, and poured a bottle of water on him and his bed. This was after him asking you repeatedly to leave the room and you refusing to. 

He shined the phone flashlight at you because he asked you to leave his room and you would not. He then warned you he'd do it again if you didn't leave and you did not.Then you further escalated things by pouring water on him and his bed. 

Easy way to avoid seeing his flashlight: leave the room.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Ok so you think domestic violence is the best way to enforce your controlling tendencies. Good thing you are female, you might get away with it.


what violence was that? I didnt read her mention any violence except on his part trying to damage her eyes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Ok so you think domestic violence is the best way to enforce your controlling tendencies. Good thing you are female, you might get away with it.


Pouring water on someone who is shining a bright LED light in your eyes is domestic violence? That's nonsense.

I think you are projecting your own experiences and past pains onto someone else. That's not helping them as it's taking this thread off topic.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Pouring water on someone who is shining a bright LED light in your eyes is domestic violence? That's nonsense.
> 
> I think you are projecting your own experiences and past pains onto someone else. That's not helping them as it's taking this thread off topic.


People get charged for the water part. Ex simple google search finds attorneys who are happy to call it DV. Simple answer here for both people is to separate.

In reality if a man calls the cops and explained the situation either they’re laughing at him, arresting him, or finding something else wrong at the house and arresting one or both for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shining a powerful LED light intended for use as a photographic flash would probably also be considered DV, too.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

_s_


Mr. Nail said:


> Ok so you think domestic violence is the best way to enforce your controlling tendencies. Good thing you are female, you might get away with it.


Controlling tendencies lol? Sounds more like overly tolerant tendencies to me. Let him shine his flashlight on divorce papers when she drops them in front of him. 
Sounds quite immature and lazy for a man of his age.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fedupgirl said:


> Hello I’m new to this forum and seeking opinions and advice. My husband of 24 years has been going through a lot of behavioral fluctuations. It started 4 years ago when he made a career change. We used to work together for over a decade but four years ago he went back into the workforce. He made some fast friends (I call fake friends) some female. He crossed boundaries with one particular female whom he was “dating” while on business trips. Magically they were on most trips together and sometimes just the two of them alone. They did their share of texting, eating together, same hotel together, in same car, etc. I expressed my displeasure and we went rounds. He fought me tooth and nail about his right to keep doing this stuff, and then threatened divorce by visiting a lawyer. I was blindsided by it all. Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. Lol.
> 
> Stupid me bawled and got upset at the prospect of losing my family (we have kids). So he decides to enact boundaries, the coworker leaves the company and things go back to normal. In fact they were great for a year going into the pandemic.
> 
> ...


Ok @Fedupgirl , I would be fed up too.

He is exhibiting no love for you or even his children and is showing contempt and hostility towards you.

This situation is intolerable. I hesitate to suggest he get a full medical and mental health evaluation but on the off chance, maybe something is going on.

I believe, given what you have said, that you should contact a good lawyer and see where you would be in a divorce.

He has shown his interest in talking about the problems in your marriage and working on them which is none. He has told you to f off so to speak.

I believe you need to look after your health and the health of your children which is suffering.

Your children are being taught lessons that will damage their relationships now and in the future.

I'm sorry he has decided to basically let his family melt down after so many years but you can't allow it to continue.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, you acknowledged that he's a manbaby and you're fed-up with him, so my question to you is: why are you with him still? 
What is it in this relationship that keeps you going for more of the same?
After 4 years of the same I can't see why you expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity: doing the same over and over expecting a different result. 

He's a grown up dude, he is who he is and he's not going to change now. You either continue in the same merry-go-round, or dump him. Venting won't get you anywhere.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> People get charged for the water part. Ex simple google search finds attorneys who are happy to call it DV. Simple answer here for both people is to separate.
> 
> In reality if a man calls the cops and explained the situation either they’re laughing at him, arresting him, or finding something else wrong at the house and arresting one or both for that.
> 
> View attachment 81579


I don't believe it would go well for him in any case. He could have left. It was her bedroom as well and he was at least harrassing her by shining the light in her eyes while she was just talking and not trying to restrain him or anything hostile. I think it would be a wash in the best case with him being the instigator.

Regardless, I think he is a lost cause.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Shining a powerful LED light intended for use as a photographic flash would probably also be considered DV, too.


Maybe. 
In assessing couples for DV, there is a scale, and things tend to escalate. Behaviours like throwing water on someone, shining a light in their eyes, or for that matter disturbing their sleep, hiding or damaging their property, kicking the wall, none of these will send someone to the hospital, but they all creep closer to the use of physical intimidation. I know nothing about this couple, but I'd caution any couple moving towards these kinds of behaviours to be very very careful, and I wouldn't be willing to counsel them unless they agree to stop it. It tends to escalate, and each side justifies themselves by pointing to what the other one has done. It's a mistake to try to decide which is the "good one". 

If it can't stop, separation may be the only option. Like I say, my remarks are general, I can't claim to know where this couple are at.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, you and your daughter can stop doing anything that benefits the males in the house. That includes cooking, laundry etc. They have to learn sometime. No wife will tolerate a lazy husband and your sons are modeling their father. Do it for your sons.


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## Lynnsnake (Dec 4, 2021)

Fedupgirl said:


> Hello I’m new to this forum and seeking opinions and advice. My husband of 24 years has been going through a lot of behavioral fluctuations. It started 4 years ago when he made a career change. We used to work together for over a decade but four years ago he went back into the workforce. He made some fast friends (I call fake friends) some female. He crossed boundaries with one particular female whom he was “dating” while on business trips. Magically they were on most trips together and sometimes just the two of them alone. They did their share of texting, eating together, same hotel together, in same car, etc. I expressed my displeasure and we went rounds. He fought me tooth and nail about his right to keep doing this stuff, and then threatened divorce by visiting a lawyer. I was blindsided by it all. Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. Lol.
> 
> Stupid me bawled and got upset at the prospect of losing my family (we have kids). So he decides to enact boundaries, the coworker leaves the company and things go back to normal. In fact they were great for a year going into the pandemic.
> 
> ...


You didn’t abuse anybody. You were abused and continue to be. See a divorce lawyer. Don’t tell him. Blindside him. Then abuse his wallet.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Fedupgirl said:


> Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. Lol.


Not only is this man gaslighting you, he's playing you like a pawn shop guitar.
At this point in your story, you should have procured an attorney and had him blindsided with divorce paperwork.
Still not too late to correct your error.
Go on offense. Take the initiative. Call him out.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

He is made at you and blames you for losing his girlfriend.

Very unlikely things with him will ever change get your children away from this toxic relationship.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He cheated on you and is likely still cheating. But you didn’t take the action to change things.
File for divorce. Why wouldn’t you? He’s a terrible role model for your kids and he obviously doesn’t respect you or help around the house. He even had YOU move out of the bedroom - didn’t you take that as a huge hint?

It seems the marriage has run its course - divorce him.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> I have a cold hard boundary on violent abuse. You threw. You threw at. I don't respect anyone who does that.


I don't think she posted in order to try and win your respect Nail. You act like it's some sort of prize she needs to win, very strange.

If I were you Fedup I'd pretend like it's Alabama in the 60's and firehose him out of your bedroom, to the couch until he learns. If you want this marriage to have any hope of success you have to stop putting up with his nonsense. No matter how much he whines or threatens divorce.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> People get charged for the water part. Ex simple google search finds attorneys who are happy to call it DV. Simple answer here for both people is to separate.
> 
> In reality if a man calls the cops and explained the situation either they’re laughing at him, arresting him, or finding something else wrong at the house and arresting one or both for that.
> 
> View attachment 81579


Madness.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Madness.


The typical case where there is an arrest is someone at a bar having a drink thrown in their face. The recipient can call the cops and ask to press charges for it. It’s either aggravated harassment or assault.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> OP, you and your daughter can stop doing anything that benefits the males in the house. That includes cooking, laundry etc. They have to learn sometime. No wife will tolerate a lazy husband and your sons are modeling their father. Do it for your sons.


I think those boys would be better away from their father's bad behavior and example.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I think those boys would be better away from their father's bad behavior and example.


Absolutely. 
Op they are your children, make sure they all have their tasks they have to do. Dont let the boys get away with it. If they don't do these things then don't do things for them until they do.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Instead of arguing with him - just serve him divorce papers and go silent on him.
That ought to show him you are sick and tired of his behavior. 
No more fighting - it accomplishes nothing!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He's clearly done with the marriage. Probably screwed his coworker on those trips, and is now mad he can't see his girlfriend. So now he's taking it out on you.

Leave


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. if anyone believes he didn't have sex while dating, I have some oceanfront property you might be interested in. It has a beautiful view and is in eastern Montana.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. if anyone believes he didn't have sex while dating, I have some oceanfront property you might be interested in. It has a beautiful view and is in eastern Montana.


Sounds lovely I’d like to schedule a viewing please. 🥸


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> what violence was that? I didnt read her mention any violence except on his part trying to damage her eyes.


a light is not going to damage your eyes


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. if anyone believes he didn't have sex while dating, I have some oceanfront property you might be interested in. It has a beautiful view and is in eastern Montana.


I thought that was oceanfront property in Arizona? If you buy that, I'll throw the Golden Gate in free.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> a light is not going to damage your eyes







__





Can Bright Lights Cause Eye Damage and Why? | BrightFocus Foundation


Explore the latest research and FAQs about bright lights and retina damage, plus tips for protecting your eyes.




www.brightfocus.org


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Fedupgirl said:


> Hello I’m new to this forum and seeking opinions and advice. My husband of 24 years has been going through a lot of behavioral fluctuations. It started 4 years ago when he made a career change. We used to work together for over a decade but four years ago he went back into the workforce. He made some fast friends (I call fake friends) some female. He crossed boundaries with one particular female whom he was “dating” while on business trips. Magically they were on most trips together and sometimes just the two of them alone. They did their share of texting, eating together, same hotel together, in same car, etc. I expressed my displeasure and we went rounds. He fought me tooth and nail about his right to keep doing this stuff, and then threatened divorce by visiting a lawyer. I was blindsided by it all. Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. Lol.
> 
> Stupid me bawled and got upset at the prospect of losing my family (we have kids). So he decides to enact boundaries, the coworker leaves the company and things go back to normal. In fact they were great for a year going into the pandemic.
> 
> ...


One way to be a good role model for your daughter and your sons is to leave this childish lazy SOB. I totally agree with Blondiocks that you should take your daughter and leave. Of course you will have to have some joint custody. If you do 50/50 custody, he will be more of a father and do more housework and cooking than he's ever done in his entire life and that will set a good example for your sons who are following in his footsteps.

The trouble is when your daughter is with him he will expect her to do everything. But she won't be with him more than three and a half days a week. And she can say no. 

It would be kind of unusual for the arrangement where he gets the sons and you get the daughter but you might be able to work that out. He probably won't want to since there won't be a female in the house to clean up after his baby ass. If he doesn't provide food and get your daughter a meal when she's there and she's underaged you could even report him to CPS for neglect. 

I certainly wouldn't sit there while he badgered me like a 5 year old because that's what it sounds like he is. He needs to grow up. He's not ever going to do that as long as you're in the house.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a very common trait with cheaters.

When someone becomes dismissive and disrespectful in a relationship when they typically were not before, it is often a sign that they have transferred their feelings and esteem to someone else. 

If he has always been like this, then he may be just a jerk. 

But if historically he was an active and contributing participant in the home and marriage and had been respectful and considerate to you and now he is like a different person - there is likely someone else in the picture. 

Cheaters can often become downright resentful and bitter towards their BS because they begin to see the AP as their real true love and see the BS as an obstacle and impediment to their happiness.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your name says you are fed up?
Are you fed up enough to do something to change this unloving home environment for yourself/your kids?

If you aren’t ready to change it - you’re just supplying your kids with a hostile hone environment. 

Make a decision = take action on that decision.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> a light is not going to damage your eyes


It could.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It could.


Your pupils are exactly like apertures of cameras and cameras can be damaged by light that is excessively bright.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> One way to be a good role model for your daughter and your sons is to leave this childish lazy SOB. I totally agree with Blondiocks that you should take your daughter and leave. Of course you will have to have some joint custody. If you do 50/50 custody, he will be more of a father and do more housework and cooking than he's ever done in his entire life and that will set a good example for your sons who are following in his footsteps.
> 
> The trouble is when your daughter is with him he will expect her to do everything. But she won't be with him more than three and a half days a week. And she can say no.
> 
> ...


I would say their sons need to be away from his bad influence as well.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Fedupgirl said:


> This is not a joke- it is how life with my husband is. He’s a s**show. You never know how he will be- and I’m fed up with his s*.


Okay. Fine. So stop putting up with it. File for divorce. Or keep complaining. Your life. Your choice.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

@ OP
Another vote here to file for divorce immediately and move out with the kids. Your husband does indeed sound mad that you upset his relationship with his gf and is punishing you. Your only worth to him is as a wife appliance, do you want that for yourself and your daughter? Your sons are already on their way to becoming just like him, please act before it's too late.


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## Fedupgirl (Dec 29, 2021)

So we are exhausted today after arguing last night. I slept late, and he took two naps. I came into the master BR to go into our bathroom for a shower and of course he isn’t really napping- he’s on his phone. This is another resentment. For the past several weeks he’s been griping about not sleeping good/enough. Yet when I get up from the spare bedroom to go to bathroom, he is awake an hour or two earlier than his normal wake time. He has his lamp on and is on his phone. I listened to all of your replies about possible cheating. So it all looks suspicious of course and convenient that I’m no longer in the bed with him (his choice). But….how would he be having a relationship with such little time to do it? He is home all day every day. Really never goes out of the house except to pick up food at drive thru or curbside. He sits on sofa all night watching tv. I just don’t see what mistress would be willing to carry on like that. There’s no opportunity for a physical relationship. 

In his usual style, he is carrying on like he wants to make things better and get past it. He found articles online to help and is signing up for anger management counseling online. He has a history of door slamming, chair throwing, tantrums when he’s really mad. 

So he says all these things yet when I tell him it’s unacceptable what he did with the flashlight in my eyes, he says I provoked him to that point by my arguing. I remind him that all I did was ask for more help around the house and he blew it up. He lied by saying I had started the past three arguments we had and it interrupted his peace before bed (this was a lie- he started some of them). Then when I tried to respond he says “you can leave now”. This caused me frustration and to call him a man child which caused the flashlight escalation. He forgets the sequence of events conveniently. I demanded he not do the blame game and told him he WILL be doing anger management immediately or else. In the meantime, I am preparing myself to be more independent in the event I need to make a move.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> People get charged for the water part. Ex simple google search finds attorneys who are happy to call it DV. Simple answer here for both people is to separate.
> 
> In reality if a man calls the cops and explained the situation either they’re laughing at him, arresting him, or finding something else wrong at the house and arresting one or both for that.
> 
> ...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You do realize he’s using his phone to communicate with some else right? So much so that he moved you out of your own bedroom and stays awake odd hours to communicate with someone!
You are just giving him idle threats. He knows you aren’t going anywhere. He’s treated you terribly and you’ve stayed.
You are so used to being mistreated it’s normal to you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Fedupgirl said:


> So we are exhausted today after arguing last night.


Look, I get it. Your husband is a jerk. But this is on you. STOP with the arguments/debates/discussions. Seriously. This is getting you NOWHERE.



Fedupgirl said:


> how would he be having a relationship with such little time to do it


Around here it's referred to here as an EA (Emotional Affair). He could have a deep emotional connection with another woman. Might not be physical right now, but give it time.



Fedupgirl said:


> I demanded he not do the blame game and told him he WILL be doing anger management immediately or else. In the meantime, I am preparing myself to be more independent in the event I need to make a move.


Never - and I mean NEVER - make a threat to which you won't fully commit. Follow through or be seen as weak and inconsequential.

Your husband was wrong to flash his phone in your face. But, c'mon, you keep engaging with him in this nonsense. Be the adult here and just stop.

JMO but your marriage sounds like crap to me. I think you should ask yourself why you are staying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Fedupgirl said:


> He has a history of door slamming, chair throwing, tantrums when he’s really mad.


Totally unacceptable. Record him with your phone and play it back for him. Do you think your children aren't learning his behavior?

Since he's had the master bedroom for a while, tell him it's only fair that you take turns switching bedrooms. Let him see what it feels like to be evicted from his bed. 

Adopt the attitude that there is a new sheriff in town. He won't be calling all the shots anymore.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

OP was wrong to pour water on the guy. Next time when he asks you to leave, just leave. Don’t ever add fuel to a fire, the aim is to de-escalate the situation.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Totally unacceptable. Record him with your phone and play it back for him. Do you think your children aren't learning his behavior?



Since he's had the master bedroom for a while, tell him it's only fair that you take turns switching bedrooms. Let him see what it feels like to be evicted from his bed. 

That’s not a marriage. That’s an arrangement.
Adopt the attitude that there is a new sheriff in town. He won't be calling all the shots anymore.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> One way to be a good role model for your daughter and your sons is to leave this childish lazy SOB. I totally agree with Blondiocks that you should take your daughter and leave. Of course you will have to have some joint custody. If you do 50/50 custody, he will be more of a father and do more housework and cooking than he's ever done in his entire life and that will set a good example for your sons who are following in his footsteps.


Really doubt that dumping all the men overboard, children included, will suddenly turn her husband into some form of Mrs. Doubtfire. He's likely messaging with one or more women on the phone at night. Will probably just move one of them in or get a maid.

Oh yeah, and only taking the daughter will help cement the rift between the kids and further damage her relationship with her sons. The worst idea by far out of all her options.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AdrianTT said:


> OP was wrong to pour water on the guy. Next time when he asks you to leave, just leave. Don’t ever add fuel to a fire, the aim is to de-escalate the situation.


Yeah.... The manbaby was being a total a hole and treating his wife and daughter as servants. She rightly was talking to him about it, too patient by my measure, and he started harassing her by shining a flashlight in her eyes. She had just as much right to be in the bedroom as him. He could have bloody well left.

I believe she should destroy this waste of skin in family court but I would have taken the damn phone and given him a prostate exam with it if he did that to me.

It's a wash as far as the flashlight/water episode.

I would advise her to stop playing with this pathetic loser and end his idealic life immediately.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Fedupgirl said:


> *Then he told me he would give me another chance if I would get some help with my jealousy. *


 
And you actually FELL for that steaming bull-****? Unreal.

He did* A LOT* more than just "cross boundaries" with that woman. SURELY you don't actually believe that these two weren't having sex???? Come _on_, OP. Tell me you're not *that* naive?

*



Since then he has been working from home. He has become lazy in the marriage. He stopped doing housework. He takes out our trash now once every 2-3 days. He waits until there are dozens of towels piled on the floor to carry them to the washer. He loads the sink with dishes and waits for me to get tired of it and I do them. He sits around and plays cards online instead of getting his share of work done then playing his games. I have a job as well and I work from home.I do ALL the grocery shopping and pay for groceries ($1k per month minimum). I have a lot of resentment at him for his lack of duty around the house. I feel like I’d have more time for hobbies or furthering my career yet he seems to have time to do what he wants.

Click to expand...

*And yet, you're STILL with the cheating, lying, self-entitled, selfish, arrogant asshole.

*



(Side note- he kicked me out of our master bedroom a couple months ago because my turning over in bed and insomnia wakes him up. Since I left our bed, he keeps weird hours - goes to bed early and gets up hours early and lays in bed on his phone until getting up for work).

Click to expand...

*And yet, you're STILL with the cheating, lying, self-entitled, selfish, arrogant asshole.

*



He is lying - he started at least half and kept them going. He then sarcastically said “you can leave the room now”. Then he turned on some loud music to drown me out. I told him that he’s a man-child who is not capable of a conversation. He then turned the flashlight on his phone and shined it into my eyes. I got upset and told him to stop. He told me he’d do it again if I don’t leave the bedroom. I kept taking and he did it again. I grabbed his phone and threw it under the bed (flashlight still on). I told him he could go get it. He said he would and then he picked it up and put in my eyes again. Then he got back into bed (charging cable connected). I grabbed the charging cable and slung it. He proceeded to shine it in my eyes again- so I poured a bottle of water on him. Got his sheets soaked. Then I left the room. The end.

Click to expand...

*And yet, you're STILL with the cheating, lying, self-entitled, selfish, arrogant asshole.

Was there a question in your post, or were you just informing us that you married a cheating, lying, self-entitled, selfish, arrogant asshole?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You know, Princess Lea might have been enslaved to Jabba for a while but at least he was an alpha male and we saw what happened to him......

You are with someone less attractive than Jabba....😵‍💫


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

gaius said:


> Really doubt that dumping all the men overboard, children included, will suddenly turn her husband into some form of Mrs. Doubtfire. He's likely messaging with one or more women on the phone at night. Will probably just move one of them in or get a maid.
> 
> Oh yeah, and only taking the daughter will help cement the rift between the kids and further damage her relationship with her sons. The worst idea by far out of all her options.


The best way for her sons to learn to appreciate what their mother and sister do for them, is to lose it. I don't advocate enslaving one child to their siblings. All that does is teach them to be sexists.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> The best way for her sons to learn to appreciate what their mother and sister do for them, is to lose it. I don't advocate enslaving one child to their siblings. All that does is teach them to be sexists.


I agree but without leaving them to their idiot dad's "loving" care.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> You know, Princess Lea might have been enslaved to Jabba for a while but at least he was an alpha male and we saw what happened to him......
> 
> You are with someone less attractive than Jabba....😵‍💫


And we know what happened to Jabba in the long run!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gaius said:


> Really doubt that dumping all the men overboard, children included, will suddenly turn her husband into some form of Mrs. Doubtfire. He's likely messaging with one or more women on the phone at night. Will probably just move one of them in or get a maid.
> 
> Oh yeah, and only taking the daughter will help cement the rift between the kids and further damage her relationship with her sons. The worst idea by far out of all her options.


At least the maid will be getting paid for picking up the big baby's socks.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Fedupgirl said:


> He has a history of door slamming, chair throwing, tantrums when he’s really mad.


How long of a history, before kids?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> The best way for her sons to learn to appreciate what their mother and sister do for them, is to lose it. I don't advocate enslaving one child to their siblings. All that does is teach them to be sexists.


There's nothing stopping her from teaching her sons appreciation and respect if she takes them with her. Don't appreciate what I do? Guess who gets to do their own chores now.

All she'll be doing by taking only the daughter is teaching them she loves her more. And no matter what she says, whatever excuses she makes, they'll remember that until the day they die.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

OP is apparently gone. Wow, surprise, right?


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