# feelings and memories



## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

ive been back to work since monday including today and probably tomorrow. its a construction type job so its physical. my coworkers things im crazy cuz i dont bring lunch and dont take breaks. i just dont feel like eating cuz seriously everything tastes like sawdust. i eat when i come home(to my parents house now that my failure in the city came to roost) and then i just lay down and drift to sleep till the morning when i go off to work. several times a day during work i start crying thinking of a past memory of my marriage, it seems like everything reminds me of it inescapably. thankfully no one has caught me yet cuz that would be quite embarassing. everyone tells me i look too skinny. my pants hang off me and i weighed myself on my electric scale when i got home today. it said 146 and 8.sumthing percent bodyfat. weird thing is i feel fat. im 5'11'' so im sure its in my head but still. all the way to work today i cried like a baby and i think im really losing my mind and not in a good way. im going to call my other boss and see if i can et my night job back when things pickup a bit. im in debt to my ears and i sstill have a bankruptcy to finish and a divorce to file. ive been seperated a year and only the last few months ive been somehow drifting back emotionally to my wife. before my move to the city i worked over 100 hours a week and didnt have time to feel plus i was drinking a bit and smoking the tweeds. cant afford either anymore which is a good thing. once the failure of my move was realized by me i really started to go backwards in all aspects of my life which drives me insane. ive given up on myself completely and now i just wanna pay all my debts and finish the bankruptcy. i had goals and dreams but because my first step which was the move to the city failed ive abandoned them completely. nothing seems to lift my spirits or bring me and peace. i feel a constant pain in my chest and a persistent sense of impending doom. when i was busy like mad i guess i didnt have time to feel anything and then there was a glimmer of hope for reconciliation with the wife which vanished as soon as i became a broken man. i dont know what to do or how to move on from this aside from working jobs that i hate to pay back money for stuffi dont even have. over the last year ive lost my home, my dog, my relationship with my wife, my new home which i was forced to break the lease on cuz i couldnt find work somehow, and pretty much the will to live. now i have to sort out the mess i made and i cant see the point in starting over. i want a do over haha. anyway anything u have to say ill listen to as i cant trust my own mind anymore.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Im sorry to hear the things your going through. One thing you need to do is start making yourself eat 5'11 and 146 is pretty dang small. I know it is hard to eat but man it is something you have to do. Have you been talking with her to cause you to drift back to her? Stay away from the alcohol and drugs right now. One thing you made a point on is at one time you were working too much to feel. This might be where your at you have to face these emotions eventually nothing will keep it away you have to go through it not around it and trust me I know it is a B****. As far as the money and stuff man keep your head up you have to think of this all as a fresh start to a new life. I dont know how old you are or nothing but everything can be rebuilt it just takes time. This is the worse stuff I have ever been through and it is very emotional it just takes time. I will be praying for you. Do you have anyone to talk too?


----------



## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

everyone i talk to just says the same thing. "itll be ok" "things will get better" "i know what you are going thru" and all thatwhich truthfullly isnt helpful at all. the drifting back is probably in my own mind more than something tangible. she will only commit to smallest of small talk, weather and stuff like that which i could not give a f about. my mother says be thankful for ur health and take it one day at a time but that just seems like empty talk as if taking it two or three days at a time is an option. after i was pushed out and forced to leave my wife wanted me back at first even though it was her idea for me to go. now that i want to come back she doesnt want anything to do with it. i feel like a ball in a pong game bouncing back and forth endlessly. i seriously thought about wasting myself but i cant because id be leaving my mess for my parents to clean up which i just cant do. ive nowhere left ot run but i desperatly just want to run away. im tired alot and mostly just miserable. i dont stand up for myself anymore because of feeelings of complete worthlessness. basically im a mess. a few months after i moved out i had a feeling that what i was doing was hard but right i.e. movingback home at 30 leaving all my favorite things, mostly kitchen stuff, with the wife cuz she has a home and i dont. starting over and making a new life seemed almost possible and i had my chance at it and failed completely. now i question everything i did and feel paralyzed. like how much worse could i make things becausein my head im simply not right anymore. im frustrated and hopelessand embarrassed and just completely incapable of and real or meaningful decision making. mostly i just want to close my eyes and not worry about waking up but that isnt an option. so where does that leave me? the last 7 years seems like a complete waste as ive nothing but debt and depression to show for it. i cant relax i cant enjoy myself, ive lost everything that meant anything to me AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Man that is tough and I know it feels like its the end of the world but you have got to know that it aint. You have not failed at life not by a long shot my friend. You are 30 or 31 you have alot ahead of you and this will make you stronger but you have to let it. This is something you have to take day by day and hour by hour at times. Have you attempted to do the 180 talked about on the site? I know its hard but you need to not talk to her right now because it is doing nothing but making you miss it even more. Debt is a natural part of life man and the bankruptcty will be a thing of the past one day. I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I feel that alot also but we have to know and believe there is. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? One thing about it some people dont know what its like to go through this mess but everyone here has been through it and we are not alone. One thing to work on is getting your self confidence back and know that you will be better in the long run. 

And man you can PM me if you want to just have someone to talk with.


----------



## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

just doesnt feel like it will get better. maybe ur right but mostly i just want nothing anymore cuz at least if i have no intentions i cant fail again. ive made a lot of bad choices and it seems like bad ones are the only ones i know how to make. better to do nothing and just work as much as i can to try to get back to zero. i just cant take another failure this one really almost killed me and i dont have the strenth to bouce back this time. like i used up everything i had and im just drained. everyday seems to be worse that the one before it i wish for lobotomy most days so at least i wont be aware of how miserable i am. seems like as far as the oppposite sex goes, the people i wannt in my life want nothing to do with me and the people i dont want anything to do with want to be in my life. again with the damn pong analogy.


----------



## whererusunlight? (Sep 3, 2011)

You can Pm me also man. I'm in the same boat and I'm your age. I can relate to the feelings and I am definitely not in the best financial shape. You think you're doing what's right but you can't escape that void inside. This is one of the most humbling experiences I've gone through. You think you are a man until going through this, never thought a woman could bring me to this.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Most definately bro I never thought a woman could or would cause me this much suffereing. And your right the void inside is something thats like a big black hole but it will lessen over time. Its one of those things we never think we will be going through but hey we will look back one of these days and see it as a small bump in the road. I will shoot you a PM.


----------



## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

its nothing new. every relationship ive had hasleft me worse than i was before it. i had created alternate personalities to deal with things compartmentaly but that didnt work so well. now the only one left is the one i hate most. maybe its time to embrace the inevitable, which is facing life alone which at one point wasnt so bad. now it feels like the worst thing ever but me leaving put me straight on this path aand its not like i didnt realize it at the time but i didthink it was best. i tried being nice to people and all they do is take and take advantage of me. maybe ill just be the a whole that i know i can be but karmically ill pay for that if its what i choose to do. indecisiveness is the worst sitch i could be in and thats right where i am, not knowing what t0 do is the worst part of it.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

One thing you got to do is quit kicking yourself for leaving if this is what she wanted. You cant go wrong with being nice to people but at the same time you cant allow yourself to be taken advantage of and sometimes its hard to distinguish. Find that person that you use to be and become a better happier version of that person, you have got to be you! Also I sent you a PM. Keep your head up we will come out of this alot better than what we were when we went into it.


----------



## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

i checked for pm but it says i have zero?


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

OMG it ate it I checked sent messages and it says zero also I will have to type it again lol. Let me see if I can do this give me just a few I got to run a few errands but ill brb.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Ok just sent another one.


----------

