# What Makes a Marriage Last



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I know there have been similar discussions. But I enjoy this site. There are a wide range of people here.

I have been with my lady 16 years and I feel like we are solid. I have two friends who are both divorced. One married for four years and the other for seven. What I noticed in both is a lack of respect for each other. Each spouse seemed to want to control each other. For instance, I was out fishing on the boat with a friend. We left the dock about 6:30 am. By 11:30, his phone just keeps receiving text messages and he gets aggrevated. He says does it annoy you when your lady is constantly bugging you about when you are coming home? I responded that she doesn't do that. He says so you are telling me you can be out here until 6 and she wont get mad???? I said she will text or call to make sure I am ok as I dont stay out that long. But she isn't going to demand i come home. Just like when her mom was alive if she said I am spending the day shopping and hanging out with her, i will say drive safe and have a good time.

I just think its important that a couple understand that they do not own or control each other. Your spouse is still a person who needs alone time and doesn't want to necessarily be by you every second of the day...... just curious to tips and suggestions from others who have been together 15 years or more and are happy.

I also hear people say that marriage is hard work and you have to work at it daily. I feel like if you have to work hard at marriage daily, you aren't compatible. I am not saying its an easy vacation everyday. But it shouldn't take hard work on a constant basis to work.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Lots and lots of compromise. Doing things that are important to your spouse than you may not care much about. But it makes them happy. So you do it. ... Communication is key. Gotta set time aside each day just to talk about life with our SO. .. Trust is big, too. There are times when we go solo. She went to Europe with her gal pals from college. Ten days. I go to Vegas with the fellas. Maybe one or two calls when away just to say hey. Not this overbearing "what are you doing now?" baloney. ... Gotta be compatible in finances and in the bedroom, too. Those are big hurdles for most marriages. Probably the biggest. Gotta again talk things through. We are not perfect. Nobody is ... Marriage is like a shark. Gotta keep moving in order to stay alive. ... 28 years next May.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Handcuffs and spankins...


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Handcuffs and spankins...


And a good supply of batteries for various adult toys.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Longtime Hubby said:


> And a good supply of batteries for various adult toys.


She won't let me. I'm her boytoy so I'll just have to suffer.😉


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> She won't let me. I'm her boytoy so I'll just have to suffer.😉


the battery-powered toys are used now and then in foreplay. A relatively new addition to our fun. A good one.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I can tell you why my marriage lasted till it ended decades ago.
Because I was a fool, even more than I am now.
But there may exist better reasons for other people or so I hope.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Care for one another. Be kind to one another. Respect one another. Build one another up. Enjoy one another’s company. Cooperate to solve problems. Be patient with one another. Be sexually compatible.
Stand up for one another. Forsake all others. Dont have opposite sex friends. 

Don’t marry a person with an entitled mentality.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Build one another up.


I'd be insulted if my wife tried to or felt like she had to build me up. What am I, a lego set? 😑 One of those ladies from a league of their own? Like I need a pep talk? Come on now.

I would say the most important aspect for a lasting relationship would be the guy having deep sexual desire for his girlfriend/wife. Which will usually cause him to put in whatever effort is required to keep things going.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

There isn't one or two things as we all know, it's many little things.

An important thing is that both partners need to know they are on the same team and that it needs to be both of them against whatever issues come their way in life and there will be many.

It can't be him vs. her or her vs. him.

It needs to be both of them vs. the problem, the issue, whatever it is.

I don't care if it's about sex, finances, issues with children, family, jobs, friends etc.

They need to keep in the front of their minds that they are on the same team and that they need to pull on the rope together.

And a bit about communication. Everyone knows it's important. We all hear it from others, we read about it ad nauseum.

But so many don't communicate well. They hold back, they tell others, like their friends instead of their partner.

Many assume or think that their partner understands or knows something so that's why they don't talk about it with them. Those same folks think they communicate well, but they aren't when they do that, when they assume their partner knows what they want, think etc.

One last tidbit.

Head things off at the pass. So many let things go on for too long. They say things to themselves like "he/she is really stressed now and things will be better once this crisis is over, or once this big project at work is over etc."

Do not do that. Mole hills can turn into mountains quickly. Address things as they happen, as they come up.

Don't delay and justify why you won't talk about it. Many say things like it will be better once he/she finishes school, once he/she finds a real job, after the the baby is no longer a baby, once we move and on and on.

Nope, nope, nope. Deal with it NOW. Things become more difficult as time goes on.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I just said this on another thread but the sacraments are pretty darn important. My opinion- not looking for an anti-Catholic rant nor an argument.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Well, my 2 cents:

The first thing is a combination of similar goals and values. During dating and then again about 12 or so years ago, sharing visions of what we wanted to do together and what we wanted our marriage to be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Knowing what you are struggling for, helps when things get hard.

Sexual desire and an enjoyment of sex and sensuality.

Concern for your partner's feelings.

Giving each other some space as co-dependence is a bad thing.

Now the most important is commitment. The reason is as David Schnarch likes to point out in his book the Crucible, Marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if done correctly. Marriage is a Curicible where two dissimilar elements (say copper and tin or carbon and iron) are put through intense pressure and heat until they combine into something much stronger (bronze or steel). Marriage is a constant emotional push and pull between two people. It doesn't matter if it is living together, figuring out what foods you will each, chores you will do; or how many children you will have and how you will share the parenting responsibilities for those children. I also will at times be negotiations on how much or what kind of sex to have. All of those things need to be negotiated and as your relationship developes, children are added, they grow up and leave home, you need to renegotiate the compromise. Your mutual commitment to some shared vision of where you and your spouse want to be is what helps keep you going.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gaius said:


> I'd be insulted if my wife tried to or felt like she had to *build me up*. What am I, a lego set? 😑 One of those ladies from a league of their own? Like I need a pep talk? Come on now.
> 
> I would say the most important aspect for a lasting relationship would be the guy having deep sexual desire for his girlfriend/wife. Which will usually cause him to put in whatever effort is required to keep things going.


You're missing that particular point. Being your spouse's greates fan, each party.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're missing that particular point. Being your spouse's greates fan, each party.


I'm my greatest fan Ragnar. My spouse could never be a bigger fan of me than I am. And I'd much prefer someone who's willing to stand up and challenge me than someone who feels the need to laugh at a bad joke I make. 

But I guess I'm in the minority of men nowadays.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For us it's faithfulness, respect, sharing the same faith, honestly and openess. Having similar values. Wise boundaries with the opposite sex. Laughter. Enjoying each others company.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

To stir the pot, since you didn't say what kind of marriage, you just asked what makes a marriage last. 

Fear, complacency, and low self esteem keep a HUGE number of marriages together.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gaius said:


> I'm my greatest fan Ragnar. My spouse could never be a bigger fan of me than I am. And I'd much prefer someone who's willing to stand up and challenge me than someone who feels the need to laugh at a bad joke I make.
> 
> But I guess I'm in the minority of men nowadays.


What I want is for her to genuinely laugh at that bad joke, because it is the best joke ever since it came from me. I think that is what love does to you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

We've been happily married 32 years. I wish I could easily say what has made it last, but it is complicated. A big part for us was we got married and moved far away from where we grew up and after just a year or so married we moved to a foreign country. It was just me and her. That could be good and bad. There was no one from our past nearby to meddle in our lives, but we had to rely totally on each other. Kind of a sink or swim. We passed the test. 

If I try to boil it down into some basic concepts...
Mutual respect
Don't take the other and what they do for the family for granted
Expressive love for each other
Physical love, attraction and intimacy that is not allowed to wane
Honesty and faithfulness
Open communication
Surrounding ourselves with friends of similar values
Give each other freedom and me time


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Great sex, communication, love, respect, same faith and teamwork.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I have no answer for what makes a marriage last.
I´m more interested in what makes it worth of lasting, not necessarily the same thing.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Great sex, communication, love, respect, same faith and teamwork.


I think the sex has improved over the years for us. Maybe because we are more in tune with each other? Marriage is not easy. Far from it. But if you put in the effort ...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ElOtro said:


> I have no answer for what makes a marriage last.
> I´m more interested in what makes it worth of lasting, not necessarily the same thing.


I would say if you are getting everything I listed as basic concepts of a good marriage, that makes it worth staying.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I think the sex has improved over the years for us. Maybe because we are more in tune with each other? Marriage is not easy. Far from it. But if you put in the effort ...


Since I started communicating years ago, my marriage has been a walk in the park. After 25 yrs still got for each other and in love with one another. Completely in tune with each other, speak what the other is thinking before they can say it themselves. 

If she gets riled about something because I told her NO, I will say "Do I need to spank that ass!" And with a smile she says "Yes Daddy! I need to be spanked!"


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Since I started communicating years ago, my marriage has been a walk in the park. After 25 yrs still got for each other and in love with one another. Completely in tune with each other, speak what the other is thinking before they can say it themselves.
> 
> If she gets riled about something because I told her NO, I will say "Do I need to spank that ass!" And with a smile she says "Yes Daddy! I need to be spanked!"


I agree. Our marriage has never been anything I would even remotely call difficult, but after stepping up on communication and acting on the conversations just took it to the next level. It felt awkward at first, but just got easier and easier, now it just happens.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would say if you are getting everything I listed as basic concepts of a good marriage, that makes it worth staying.


A good start.....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> For instance, I was out fishing on the boat with a friend. We left the dock about 6:30 am. By 11:30, his phone just keeps receiving text messages and he gets aggrevated. He says does it annoy you when your lady is constantly bugging you about when you are coming home? I responded that she doesn't do that. He says so you are telling me you can be out here until 6 and she wont get mad???? I said she will text or call to make sure I am ok as I dont stay out that long. But she isn't going to demand i come home.


Well, what were the circumstances? You're getting one side of the story here. 

For example, I had no problem with DH going out and doing things with friends and/or family. That said, there were definitely times when he was working a lot, wanted to go goof off with a buddy or two, and hadn't exactly been very present around the house, with me, or with the kids. From the outside me texting him to come home after 4+ hrs might seem controlling or some shyte, but in reality it was asking him to devote some of his, admittedly very limited, free time to the family. 

I remember a similar incident from years ago. DH's friend comes over and we're all chatting. He randomly tells me how I'm controlling and "don't let" my husband do XYZ. I was stunned! Like, dude, DH has a wife and 3 kids. Do you honestly think it's ok he works, sleeps, eats, and hangs out when he's not working??? I'm literally doing everything for the kids, house, yard, vehicles, etc. and I don't think it's too much to ask he show the hell up an participate in the running of the household, rearing of the kids, and our personal marital relationship!

You don't know what goes on in their marriage. You don't know WHY she wanted him to come home. It's very possible your buddy is neglecting his family to go chill with friends.



ThatDarnGuy! said:


> just think its important that a couple understand that they do not own or control each other.


Absolutely! It's also important to understand that if you aren't giving your spouse what they need they may decide to move on and hope to find a new mate that will. This, of course, works both ways. 



ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I also hear people say that marriage is hard work and you have to work at it daily. I feel like if you have to work hard at marriage daily, you aren't compatible. I am not saying its an easy vacation everyday. But it shouldn't take hard work on a constant basis to work.


Life is work. Marriage shouldn't have to be. Effort? Yes. Work? No. 

What I mean by that is this...maybe we're both sore and tired. I may dig deep and massage the knots out of DH's muscles because I want to care for him, relieve his pain, and demonstrate my love by doing a real physical thing to help him. This, under those circumstances, is effort. I may be just grrrr at DH's general vibe because XYZ is effecting him, but make the effort to be patient and understanding until it passes, for another example. But, yes, if you're putting in hard work as opposed to effort you might want to evaluate compatibility.



gaius said:


> I'd be insulted if my wife tried to or felt like she had to build me up. What am I, a lego set? 😑 One of those ladies from a league of their own? Like I need a pep talk? Come on now.


Everyone goes through times of self doubt. It's good to have someone close to you remind you that you got this. Usually, that's a spouse as they're typically the closest and most trusted person to you.



CatholicDad said:


> I just said this on another thread but the sacraments are pretty darn important. My opinion- not looking for an anti-Catholic rant nor an argument.


If one or both spouses is religious, regardless of flavor, having a spouse who participates and supports your religious practice is important. Back when I was attending church regularly I realized chatting with other parishioners that there were many there who were sad, hurt, and felt alone because their spouses had either fallen away from their faith or weren't Christian in the first place. Which is fine. I've known many mixed faith marriages to work. But it does make a difference when the spouse who isn't particularly religious takes interest, supports their spouse in their faith, and maybe even attends services to share in an important part of their spouses life.



gaius said:


> I'd much prefer someone who's willing to stand up and challenge me than someone who feels the need to laugh at a bad joke I make.
> 
> But I guess I'm in the minority of men nowadays.


You aren't in the minority of men or women, for that matter. You just don't seem to understand that it's not an either-or. IMO, a good spouse is both your biggest cheerleader and the person who will stand up and challenge you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

What makes a marriage last is two people who refuse to give up on the other one, strive to live their marriage vows, and put safeguards in for proper communication.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I know there have been similar discussions. But I enjoy this site. There are a wide range of people here.
> 
> I have been with my lady 16 years and I feel like we are solid. I have two friends who are both divorced. One married for four years and the other for seven. What I noticed in both is a lack of respect for each other. Each spouse seemed to want to control each other. For instance, I was out fishing on the boat with a friend. We left the dock about 6:30 am. By 11:30, his phone just keeps receiving text messages and he gets aggrevated. He says does it annoy you when your lady is constantly bugging you about when you are coming home? I responded that she doesn't do that. He says so you are telling me you can be out here until 6 and she wont get mad???? I said she will text or call to make sure I am ok as I dont stay out that long. But she isn't going to demand i come home. Just like when her mom was alive if she said I am spending the day shopping and hanging out with her, i will say drive safe and have a good time.
> 
> ...


My wife and I are just like yours. In fact, it's not perfect, but nor do want it to be. 
We don't control each other, but we respect each other and do not want to lose each other. For this, 
it makes us want to be desirable for the other. 
Sex becomes a lot of the problems we read on here. One wants it more and the other doesn't want it, or near as much. Sex should not be that hard to compromise on, but it becomes a powerful tool to use over the other one's head. This is wrong in so many ways. For me and my wife, we are either in sync or wanting to make sure the other is satisfied all the way around. My wife does not want it every single night, but in the nights she doesn't want, she always offers a bj. There are times this I do for her, if I am not quite in the mood. This is what is takes if you love the other person and never want to lose them. Intimacy for us, is just like the 1st time 14 years ago and it doesn't get old. My wife stays in great shape, which makes me stay in great shape, even at our age. 
The last child is finely gone and now we have us and we still can't get enough of each other, even though we have our own personal times to do things with friends and family. 
If it isn't the power of who owns the sex card, then financial problems is another major marriage problem. 
Again, we are in sync and for this, financial needs has never become a problem. 
I am always glad to hear someone else having a great marriage after all those years. It gives others hope!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Defhero said:


> My wife and I are just like yours. In fact, it's not perfect, but nor do want it to be.
> We don't control each other, but we respect each other and do not want to lose each other. For this,
> it makes us want to be desirable for the other.
> Sex becomes a lot of the problems we read on here. One wants it more and the other doesn't want it, or near as much. Sex should not be that hard to compromise on, but it becomes a powerful tool to use over the other one's head. This is wrong in so many ways. For me and my wife, we are either in sync or wanting to make sure the other is satisfied all the way around. My wife does not want it every single night, but in the nights she doesn't want, she always offers a bj. There are times this I do for her, if I am not quite in the mood. This is what is takes if you love the other person and never want to lose them. Intimacy for us, is just like the 1st time 14 years ago and it doesn't get old. My wife stays in great shape, which makes me stay in great shape, even at our age.
> ...


Sounds like a good deal, but there have to be rough spots.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Sounds like a good deal, but there have to be rough spots.


Of course there are going to be bumps in the road here and there. But when you find a person who is compatible, you are just in tune with each other which makes everything go so much easier.

I am a firm believer that if you have to work hard at your marriage and constantly compromise, and sacrifice. Then you just aren't compatible and it will hit you one day.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Of course there are going to be bumps in the road here and there. But when you find a person who is compatible, you are just in tune with each other which makes everything go so much easier.
> 
> I am a firm believer that if you have to work hard at your marriage and constantly compromise, and sacrifice. Then you just aren't compatible and it will hit you one day.


True dat


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I just think its important that a couple understand that they do not own or control each other. Your spouse is still a person who needs alone time and doesn't want to necessarily be by you every second of the day...... just curious to tips and suggestions from others who have been together 15 years or more and are happy.
> 
> I also hear people say that marriage is hard work and you have to work at it daily. I feel like if you have to work hard at marriage daily, you aren't compatible. I am not saying its an easy vacation everyday. But it shouldn't take hard work on a constant basis to work.


I agree with these things: we don't own each other, and it is seldom hard work because we are so compatible (not every couple is so fortunate, but if they are willing to do the work they can still have a great marriage, IMO).

We communicate well, and have true respect for each other. We genuinely want each other to be happy, and do our best to create conditions to support and encourage what each wants and needs (not what I _think_ she needs, and vice versa). We're generous and kind to each other in all things. We share responsibilities fairly and take care of each other (yes, in sickness and health). We are affectionate and have an amazing sex life, even after 22 years. We enjoy each other's company, love to do things together (yet can comfortably have alone time), and seek out new adventures together (from a new recipe to a new country to visit).

We did all this for years before we married, too. Our _only_ marriage vow was to stay together as long as we loved each other, and to never give up on that lightly.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I have been with my lady 16 years and I feel like we are solid. I have two friends who are both divorced. One married for four years and the other for seven. What I noticed in both is a lack of respect for each other.


Reading about other people's marriages I have to wonder how many of them respect their spouse, or if it ever even occurred to them.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s a simple formula:

A fat check book 

A listening ear

Lots of oral sex (for her)


Works like a charm........


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s a simple formula:
> 
> A fat check book
> 
> ...


Dude, I'm hoping she returns the oral homage. It's only fair.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Sounds like a good deal, but there have to be rough spots.


Actually there don't have to be. Me and my husband have never actually had a fight.
We have had time in our lives that challenge us as people but never a time that challenged our marriage.

We usually take an us against the rest of the world approach. When it's 2 against several billion you don't want to lose 1/2 the fighting force LOL>


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Actually there done have to be. Me and my husband have never actually had a fight.
> We have had time in our lives that challenge us as people but never a time that challenged our marriage.
> 
> We usually take an us against the rest of the world approach. When it's 2 against several billion you don't want to lose 1/2 the fighting force LOL>


That’s admirable … but you’ve “never had a fight”? Never? We are in our 28th year. Had some doozies.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I've given this post a lot of thought. 

I Think from a mans perspective, you have to find the love and joy in creating her happiness. 

Be a caring and loving husband, by showing her respect and appreciation.

Do your best to reduce her stress.

If you have children be the best and most involved father you can possibly be from the day she conceives.

Be generous with gifts and time.

Support her to the fullest extent possible in achieving her dreams.

Ok she left the room. What makes marriage last is having a very good sized readily erect penis. On you (the husband) not your wife. Unless you're into that which is fine.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That’s admirable … but you’ve “never had a fight”? Never? We are in our 28th year. Had some doozies.


LOL never. We don't raise our voices. We don't huff and puff. We don't have resentment.
We've faced plenty of life obstacles so it isn't some magical life. It's how you respond and how your two choose to work together and accept each other.

We have sex any where from 4 to 10 times a week.

You want to really blow your mind..... We married 5 weeks after the 1st date 😱😱


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Not making issues of nonconsequential issues and understanding that there are more than one way to do anything goes a long way.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

First and foremost - make sure you’re ready to get married. Easier said than done but we often assume we are and really aren’t. NRE and lots of sex covers up a lot of issues or suppressed others. Funny story i came home to surprise my DW (then girlfriend) and she had bridal magazines laid out after only 6 months of dating. She was so embarrassed. I also was recently divorced so I think I wanted to just be married again.

Be open about your past - my DW was not beforehand and only talked about the train wreck her childhood was and the past abuse in the years that followed. And a lot of times things slipped or someone else mentioned it. TBH, had I known these things, I likely would have waited versus proposing after 8 months. But she knew if she did she might have lost me so she suppressed it. TBH, she should have gotten therapy to address all that stuff. Like I told our MC, it’s like your spouse begging you to build a house on the lot next to her parents but she didn’t mention their house was built on a toxic waste and one day you wonder why there’s toxic waste oozing into your basement and your partner just shrugs their shoulders and blames you.

Do not let family supplant the marriage as the top priority - My DW was all about us and then kids came. Due to the unresolved family of origins issues, “growing our family” is her #1 priority. Our marriage has suffered a lot because of this. I’ve told our MC she was “dating our kids” instead of me. 

Modeling - Remember you are modeling parenting and marriage for your kids. If you’re an absent dad, helicopter mom, a cheater, abusive, etc. They’ll notice. Daughters will seek men like their father so if you’re an abusive a$$hole they’ll subconsciously seek the same. If you make marriage all about the kids, you could end up having no grandkids. If reinforce that sex is gross, why would they wanna have it? If you life revolves around kids, your kids may be like… nope… pass.

Have common passions/interests - without this you have to wonder why you got together in the first place. My DW met online and dated but looking back we just did typical “date stuff.” Nothing really together that we were passionate about. TBH, I love my wife but I don’t think we’d date each other if we were both single today. 

Health issues - these will come up and ones that effect your relationship are huge. A vast majority of women over 40 have at least one diagnosable mental health problem (ADHD, anxiety, etc). A lot of men get ED from porn or getting older. 

Attachment styles - research this and understand wheee you and your partner are at. It explains a lot of behavior.

Self-Improvement - don’t get complacent and try to get better together.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> We usually take an us against the rest of the world approach. When it's 2 against several billion you don't want to lose 1/2 the fighting force LOL>


Standing applauses


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ElOtro said:


> Standing applauses


Well, you did do dishes...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Not making issues of nonconsequential issues and understanding that there are more than one way to do anything goes a long way.


This is a great point. By far the vast majority of arguments we've had over the years were us disagreeing on how to do something. Once we figured out that we were both still striving for the same goal or actually achieving the same goal (big or small) it stopped any arguing. In the end this falls under the category of communication.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Since I started communicating years ago, my marriage has been a walk in the park. After 25 yrs still got for each other and in love with one another. Completely in tune with each other, speak what the other is thinking before they can say it themselves.
> 
> If she gets riled about something because I told her NO, I will say "Do I need to spank that ass!" And with a smile she says "Yes Daddy! I need to be spanked!"


I would find my wife standing over me asleep, knife in hand, if I told her that!!! 💀💀💀


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is a great point. By far the vast majority of arguments we've had over the years were us disagreeing on how to do something. Once we figured out that we were both still striving for the same goal or actually achieving the same goal (big or small) it stopped any arguing. In the end this falls under the category of communication.


It kind of reminds me of a joke.

A man was discussing with his friend about how my wife made breakfast. "She would go to the fridge and pull out the eggs. She would go back to the fridge and get the milk, so that she could make omelets. Then she would go to the fridge and get the butter to grease the frying pan. Then would get the bread to make the toast. It took her probably 20 minutes to get everything together. After she made the breakfast, she would go get the carton of eggs and put them back. Then she would go get the milk and put it back. Then she would put away the butter and then the salt and pepper."

So, I said to her, "Honey, you could probably make breakfast much more quickly if you learned to do more than one thing at a time. If you went to the fridge and loaded up your arms with the eggs and the milk and the bread and butter, you'd only have to make one trip. If you put everything back like you took them out, you'd only have to make one trip.

"How'd that turn out?", asked the friend

"Great. Just great", said the man. "I have shaven off 8 minutes when making my own breakfast."


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> LOL never. We don't raise our voices. We don't huff and puff. We don't have resentment.
> We've faced plenty of life obstacles so it isn't some magical life. It's how you respond and how your two choose to work together and accept each other.
> 
> We have sex any where from 4 to 10 times a week.
> ...


Four to 10 a week? A week?? You two from another galaxy?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Four to 10 a week? A week?? You two from another galaxy?


He might be on the French Revolution calendar.

French Revolutionary Calendar: When France Tried To Change Time - Snippets Of Paris


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> He might be on the French Revolution calendar.
> 
> French Revolutionary Calendar: When France Tried To Change Time - Snippets Of Paris


i mean, even in our newlywed days, the max was four a week. Married in '94 My single days? Never had 4 to 10 a week.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Four to 10 a week? A week?? You two from another galaxy?


10 would be high for us, great weeks for us are around 8. Even with occasional dry spells do to sickness or other issues we average more than 5 times a week. That has been on the rise over the last couple years thanks to an empty nest. I had covid for over a week, so we are coming out of an unusual dry spell. We are making up for it though, 5 times this week so far!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> 10 would be high for us, great weeks for us are around 8. Even with occasional dry spells do to sickness or other issues we average more than 5 times a week. That has been on the rise over the last couple years thanks to an empty nest. I had covid for over a week, so we are coming out of an unusual dry spell. We are making up for it though, 5 times this week so far!


Five? Sweet Jesus. We average 8 times a month. which ain't bad for 61 and 62. And that's up from our all-time low of twice a month five years ago. Thank you, pandemic, for keeping us home and horny.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> i mean, even in our newlywed days, the max was four a week. Married in '94 My single days? Never had 4 to 10 a week.


Well we've been married 28 years and it varies. But that's the range for now.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well we've been married 28 years and it varies. But that's the range for now.


Hats off to you You two may be members of the Married Sex Hall of Fame.Married 28 in May, we average twice a week, and that's up about four times the pace - twice a month - five years ago. It's getting better.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hats off to you You two may be members of the Married Sex Hall of Fame.Married 28 in May, we average twice a week, and that's up about four times the pace - twice a month - five years ago. It's getting better.


nah there are a few on here that go more than us and are older.

I don't think more is always better. Right now he's the limiting factor but in the past I have been. We just don't worry about it to be honest.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s a simple formula:
> 
> A fat check book
> 
> ...


I've achived two of the three


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hats off to you You two may be members of the Married Sex Hall of Fame.Married 28 in May, we average twice a week, and that's up about four times the pace - twice a month - five years ago. It's getting better.


She's just a healthy woman in a healthy marriage and looks forward to her husband's touch.🙂

Mrs. C is a once a day lady but if her health were better, she would be up for it as much as she can get.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> She's just a healthy woman in a healthy marriage and looks forward to her husband's touch.🙂
> 
> Mrs. C is a once a day lady but if her health were better, she would be up for it as much as she can get.


While that's true there have been times when is was more like 2/week and it wasn't that our marriage wasn't healthy or that I didn't love my husband. I guess we just aren't as consistent or driven as others here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> While that's true there have been times when is was more like 2/week and it wasn't that our marriage wasn't healthy or that I didn't love my husband. I guess we just aren't as consistent or driven as others here.


I know some of your story and I didn't get the impression that there was ever a lack of love or other elements of a healthy marriage.

Desiring your spouse is one of the key elements regardless of frequency.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I know some of your story and I didn't get the impression that there was ever a lack of love or other elements of a healthy marriage.
> 
> Desiring your spouse is one of the key elements regardless of frequency.


I just want to get that out there. We have several members who make it seem like the only way to prove a couple is happy and long term in love is to have sex 3 times a day until 99. I think for some new people with lower sexual frequency it may seem like that means the wife doesn't desire the husband. I don't think that is true. I wasn't specifically singling out you I just want to get it into the ether so to speak.

There are plenty of marriages where things can be great but it doesn't always mean this super high frequency. We are high now and have been for a while. It just hasn't always been that way.

ETA: Right now based on this site like guys would be lucky to be married to me. We have tons of sex, I initiate, we do different things, blah blah blah. But I"m the same woman as I was and 20 years ago the same people would be telling him to divorce me that I must not love him or desire him that he's just a paycheck because we didn't do it enough. Makes my head spin because I know that I'm the same woman and I haven't ever not been crazy in love with him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> I just want to get that out there. We have several members who make it seem like the only way to prove a couple is happy and long term in love is to have sex 3 times a day until 99. I think for some new people with lower sexual frequency it may seem like that means the wife doesn't desire the husband. I don't think that is true. I wasn't specifically singling out you I just want to get it into the ether so to speak.
> 
> There are plenty of marriages where things can be great but it doesn't always mean this super high frequency. We are high now and have been for a while. It just hasn't always been that way.
> 
> ETA: Right now based on this site like guys would be lucky to be married to me. We have tons of sex, I initiate, we do different things, blah blah blah. But I"m the same woman as I was and 20 years ago the same people would be telling him to divorce me that I must not love him or desire him that he's just a paycheck because we didn't do it enough. Makes my head spin because I know that I'm the same woman and I haven't ever not been crazy in love with him.


Good details in this post and I've never personally bought into frequency equalling desire or love.

Mrs. C truly loves me but has almost never been able, physically, to match my frequency.

Her desire is there for me though and she is generous.

Due to schedule, we are at about once or twice a week at this point and it would be at least 4x a week if she has her way but I'm just too exhausted though I don't love her any less.

So right now, she is wanting about twice as much sex as I'm giving. The pendulum swings but my heart and desire are for her so we are healthy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I just want to get that out there. We have several members who make it seem like the only way to prove a couple is happy and long term in love is to have sex 3 times a day until 99. I think for some new people with lower sexual frequency it may seem like that means the wife doesn't desire the husband. I don't think that is true. I wasn't specifically singling out you I just want to get it into the ether so to speak.
> 
> There are plenty of marriages where things can be great but it doesn't always mean this super high frequency. We are high now and have been for a while. It just hasn't always been that way.
> 
> ETA: Right now based on this site like guys would be lucky to be married to me. We have tons of sex, I initiate, we do different things, blah blah blah. But I"m the same woman as I was and 20 years ago the same people would be telling him to divorce me that I must not love him or desire him that he's just a paycheck because we didn't do it enough. Makes my head spin because I know that I'm the same woman and I haven't ever not been crazy in love with him.


I'm guilty of throwing the frequency number out there. I'm a numbers guy and like to quantify things. Its just a barometer for me, but doesn't tell the whole story. The reality is it goes up and down a lot, over the short term and long term. Because of covid my wife and I slept apart for over a week, but in the same house. We were/are both horny as hell, but the sex wasn't what I missed the most. It was intimate physical contact, kissing, sleeping next to each other that I missed. I want and need sex, but there is a lot more to it than that. Around here though, complaints of low frequency or nonexistent sex almost always means there is a over all lack of intimacy in the relationship too. The complaints usually include comments about no kiss, he/she won't even hug me or hold my hand. I think that is where a lot of people are coming from.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think for some new people with lower sexual frequency it may seem like that means the wife doesn't desire the husband. I don't think that is true. I wasn't specifically singling out you I just want to get it into the ether so to speak.
> 
> There are plenty of marriages where things can be great but it doesn't always mean this super high frequency. We are high now and have been for a while. It just hasn't always been that way.


Desired yes… but not necessary sexually all the time. My DW desires, family stuff, work, companionship then sex. We’re at maybe 3x a month. Ninety seconds post-orgasm, she’s done for the week and right back to family stuff. She could do family stuff a couple times a day 5 to 6 days week and still talk and make plans in between. Sex not so much. 

Desire-wise it’s like power in a house. Just because the lights are off doesn’t mean that power isn’t connected to main panel. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm guilty of throwing the frequency number out there. I'm a numbers guy and like to quantify things. Its just a barometer for me, but doesn't tell the whole story. The reality is it goes up and down a lot, over the short term and long term. Because of covid my wife and I slept apart for over a week, but in the same house. We were/are both horny as hell, but the sex wasn't what I missed the most. It was intimate physical contact, kissing, sleeping next to each other that I missed. I want and need sex, but there is a lot more to it than that. Around here though, complaints of low frequency or nonexistent sex almost always means there is a over all lack of intimacy in the relationship too. The complaints usually include comments about no kiss, he/she won't even hug me or hold my hand. I think that is where a lot of people are coming from.


Yep except low frequency doesn't mean she doesn't love him. And we have had a few brave women come and explain the lack of kissing and hugging because the HD spouse uses every single touch as some kind of signal that the other wants sex. So it isn't a kiss because if she kisses him then he initiates and gets pissed when she say no. If she hugs him he grabs her and initiates and then gets pissed or pissy if she says no. The LD starts to pre empt those things so stop the getting pissed/pissy part or the dejection or yet another 'talk' about how they (the LD spouse) aren't good enough.

It's a negative feedback cycle that the HD's don't seem to understand. 

Obviously a woman who hates you is going to cut those things off. But due to the cycle I think many other women cut it off as well. In addition I think that the cycle builds resentment in the HD but also in the LD. Most women don't want to feel like their husband only want them as a cum dump.

All I"m saying is I don't think that lack of sex means the woman doesn't love her spouse. Can it sure. Does it always or even over 70% of the time, I don't think so.

But this has been debated 1000 times before and TAM will never agree on it. I simply wanted to let those people who might read this thread and not be Long time TAMers know that frequency doesn't mean love or good marriage. IT can sure. But we've seen people come on and talk about how they are shocked their spouse is divorcing them because they had sex a lot and the spouse was enthusiastic about it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep except low frequency doesn't mean she doesn't love him. And we have had a few brave women come and explain the lack of kissing and hugging because the HD spouse uses every single touch as some kind of signal that the other wants sex. So it isn't a kiss because if she kisses him then he initiates and gets pissed when she say no. If she hugs him he grabs her and initiates and then gets pissed or pissy if she says no. The LD starts to pre empt those things so stop the getting pissed/pissy part or the dejection or yet another 'talk' about how they (the LD spouse) aren't good enough.
> 
> It's a negative feedback cycle that the HD's don't seem to understand.
> 
> ...


This is why I like TAM. The diversity of perspectives is very enlightening and I don't know where you can find that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

All it takes to make a marriage last is to not get a divorce.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion what makes a marriage last is that some people emotionally have a disposition to be good marriage material and others do not.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Having GPS while driving together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I will say on the sex/intimacy front, Mrs. Conan and I are experiencing something that can only be described as joy in our touches and sexy time.

We've always been pretty hot but this is good and incredibly intimate and just fills us with joy.

Older sex is pretty damn good!!!😉


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Only winning move is to not play the game


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Love, commitment, and understanding and willingness to meet each other’s needs.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It is easy to find reasons why a marriages won't last, but in order for a marriage to last , it really isn't that complicated.

I take care of you.

You take care of me.

We stay because being in the place we are is exactly where loving actions build love.

And that isn't always easy because desires and the scars, sadness, and hurt from desires can get in the way.

But even broken pieces become whole with the right paths, and that is wholly believed in.

When I say "I love you", I may be asked "why?".

And honestly, it is because every moment I think of her or am with her, I am home.

There is only one way to love in a marriage... consistently.

Our patterns of devotion should always be aware of the present, accountable, and sustained by clarity and understanding.

Still, we need lessons to grow, to be the learner as much as the teacher because interchangeability is life.

On the same side, by her side, is my favorite place to be... deserving the same love I give.

That is why I believe my marriage will last.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Well, you did do dishes...


Who else?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> But I"m the same woman as I was and 20 years ago the same people would be telling him to divorce me that I must not love him or desire him that he's just a paycheck because we didn't do it enough. Makes my head spin because I know that I'm the same woman and I haven't ever not been crazy in love with him.


As just IMO we are mainly what we do and only conditional to that comes what we feel we are, you are not the same one.
Just IMO the specific kind of love suited for partnership includes various factors, being no one of them enough, being all and each one of them necessary ones. IMO again, mutual desire should be one of them.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I know there have been similar discussions. But I enjoy this site. There are a wide range of people here.
> 
> I have been with my lady 16 years and I feel like we are solid. I have two friends who are both divorced. One married for four years and the other for seven. What I noticed in both is a lack of respect for each other. Each spouse seemed to want to control each other. For instance, I was out fishing on the boat with a friend. We left the dock about 6:30 am. By 11:30, his phone just keeps receiving text messages and he gets aggrevated. He says does it annoy you when your lady is constantly bugging you about when you are coming home? I responded that she doesn't do that. He says so you are telling me you can be out here until 6 and she wont get mad???? I said she will text or call to make sure I am ok as I dont stay out that long. But she isn't going to demand i come home. Just like when her mom was alive if she said I am spending the day shopping and hanging out with her, i will say drive safe and have a good time.
> 
> ...


Read all books by John Gottman phd. he has a title named just what you asked. theb read dr. laura schlessingers book Proper care and feeding of marriage. You will not be disappointed.
good luck


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I know there have been similar discussions. But I enjoy this site. There are a wide range of people here.
> 
> I have been with my lady 16 years and I feel like we are solid. I have two friends who are both divorced. One married for four years and the other for seven. What I noticed in both is a lack of respect for each other. Each spouse seemed to want to control each other. For instance, I was out fishing on the boat with a friend. We left the dock about 6:30 am. By 11:30, his phone just keeps receiving text messages and he gets aggrevated. He says does it annoy you when your lady is constantly bugging you about when you are coming home? I responded that she doesn't do that. He says so you are telling me you can be out here until 6 and she wont get mad???? I said she will text or call to make sure I am ok as I dont stay out that long. But she isn't going to demand i come home. Just like when her mom was alive if she said I am spending the day shopping and hanging out with her, i will say drive safe and have a good time.
> 
> ...


its the work that defines us and it must come from the heart.
Read all books by John Gottman phd. he has a title named just what you asked. theb read dr. laura schlessingers book Proper care and feeding of marriage. You will not be disappointed.
good luck


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