# In love with someone else



## confusedandneedsmore (Jun 2, 2012)

Im in love with my best friend, who is also my husbands best friend and I am very good friends with my best friends newly ex girlfriend

Im desperate for any advice because I cant talk to anyone about this.. 

I met my best friend- lets call him Steve.. 10 years ago.. shortly after I met my husband- we hit it off right away and before my husband and I were married and were on a break steve and I got steemy.. several times. It was always more.. we agreed not to tell my husband- lets call hiim joe.. ever. 

I married young and I do believe now it was a mistake but I married because everyone told me it was the right thing to do - my husband and I also have a son.. and we had been together for 11 years.. 

A couple weeks ago Steve and I had been texting and flirting and then it got serious- a drunk phone call- where I confessed all my feelings for him changed everything- he told me its always been me and that he wants a future together but now isnt the right time.. I can understand that because he came from a divorced family and said he didnt want that for my son. 

it had went on for several weeks and things got steemy during text messages and phone calls- but Ive never felt better. I love him I really do. He said it first, the I love you.. Ive always loved you. That he cant stop thinking about me.. 
A couple days ago- steve stopped texting- said that we have to stop until I sort things out with Joe- Its driving me insane- He says his feelings havent changed but he doesnt want to build something for nothing. He says he let me get into his head and that we need to stop and I need to let it go. 
He just visited for a weekend- and I could cut the tension with a knife- he was looking at me the whole time and I could tell his feelings havent changed- 
Hes pushing me away now- says that I really need to stop but I cant help it. I dont know what to do


My marriage has been rocky- my husband is always putting me down and I just want to leave- I love him because he is a great father but he does nothing for me physically or mentally.. I feel like our time is up- Ive tried to save this marriage- but he sees nothing wrong with it.. Its been done for a long time but I think weve both are in routine with our lives. But I dont want this. Im so confused-


Can anyone help??
Without being judgemental.. 

I cant help what my heart is saying and what is the right thing to do .


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Please don't do this to your husband and child. Read some of the post by betrayed spouses and the pain that cheating brings. It is the most selfish thing you can do to people you are supposed to love. Think about it. This Steve is deceptive snake in the grass. He has the audacity to humiliate your husband and pretend to be his friend. What kind of man does that. 

You want to trade in a man who is faithful and has provided you with a son for a dishonest deceptive man? 

You are not thinking rationally. He knows that if you leave your husband he will not marry you. He as much as told you to stay with your husband. At lest he has some vestige of honor. . If he wanted a serious relationship with you then he would have persued one before you met your husband. He decided then that you were not someone he could form a LTR with. 

But if you were willing to give him something for nothing, he did not have the character to refuse. Look at Steve's actions not at what he says. What do you see? You are OK for a little sexual pleasure when he is between gf but nothing more. Do you think he respects a woman who would cheat on her husband with his best friend. 

My advice is to get out of fantasy land and face reality. Tell you husband what has been going on. Breaking the secrecy will help knock you out of the fog. Get this man out of both your lives. If your husband decides to R do everything to establish a connection. 

This is your best course of action to regain your self respect. I think you would benefit from therapy to understand why you cheapen your self by engaging in an affair with a man who cares nothing about you and has a very bad character. Why you would throw away a man who respected you and loved you enough to committ to you. 

If you don't love love your husband, let him go. Don't expect his friend to be waiting for you. He is a deceptive cad but he seems smart enough to avoid getting involved in a relationship with a women who can perpetrate such a massive betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Confused, you need to separate your decision about your marriage from the situation with Steve. It may be that your marriage was a mistake and is failing, or it may be that you are deciding that because you are infatuated with Steve. Separate the two situations. It'd be best if you didn't see/contact Steve at all until you decide what to do about your marriage, and I'm not talking for a couple of weeks -- I'm talking a long time. This is not a decision to rush into.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good luck. It won't end nicely.

I have been here...similar story a long time ago.

Wasn't pretty. Years of pain.

But...do what you do. I know you will anyway.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are in an affair, and I suspect a huge part of you rocky marriage is being caused by this. You ay think you've got it contained,but no doubt your husband has picked up on your affair and is angry,frustrated, and feeling deeply betrayed.

You need to choose, between being a good wife and mther and continuing to cheat on your family. You may think just because you haven't gone all the way, that you haven't cheated, but you'd be lying to yourself big time. If your husband had a woman hanging around, and texting, and calling,a making eyes at, just like you are doing, YOU would be freking out,humiliated and feeling let and betrayed. That is what you are currently doing to your husband.

You are one of those women that cheats.

Is that the person you want your child to have has a mother?

Ditch this other guy. He will breakup you family and marriage. Come clean to your husband about your current affair. And work on saving your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and warn your husband that he has made a huge mistake in choosing friends, He is best friends with a total rat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi. I read your post and considered your delima. I truly believe that your feelings for "Steve" are very real and so are his feelings toward you. However, I also believe that you both have entertained the fantasy of having a life together for a long time. It seems that Steve has not allowed his feelings to cloud his judgement, at least not totally. I believe he has backed off for good reasons. This emotional affair between the two of you is toxic to both marriages and would bring about a situation that your son should not have to deal with. Everything within you may want to continue what has been started with Steve but your energies would probably be better served if you channeled them toward rebuilding your marriage with "Joe". I'm guessing that this is probably what Steve wants to do on his end and needs you to be on board with it. If he's telling you that this has to stop its kinda over already whether you want it to be or not. I think that you'll be better off in the long run if you just go with it. I know that it sucks. Big hugs to you. I wish you well!


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

I'm sorry. I misunderstood Steve's situation. I didn't realize he wasn't married until I re-read your post. However, my opinion of what you should do is the same. He probably has a new love interest now. Don't be a convenient thrill for him. Just let it go dear.


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## confusedandneedsmore (Jun 2, 2012)

Thanks for the replies- 
I never looked at what Steve was doing to my marriage in a bad way until now- he's a crappy friend to both of us- 
I had no intentions of anything ever happening between Steve and I until I was venting about joe on day.. And then it just got way out of hand.. 
I do love joe I really do.. And you all are right I need to separate everything and look at what I'm doing.. 
I just feel like I'm so young (24) and I don't know what I want.. Re reading what I posted I realized what a horrible wife I am being and that I shouldn't even be talking to Steve

I think Steve was giving me attention when joe wasn't so I just went with it,

So staying away from Steve is my only option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I met my best friend- lets call him Steve.. 10 years ago.. shortly after I met my husband- we hit it off right away and before my husband and I were married and were on a break steve and I got steemy.. several times. It was always more.. we agreed not to tell my husband- lets call hiim joe.. ever.


:rant:


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## confusedandneedsmore (Jun 2, 2012)

Okay I worded that wrong- I meant we never told how about us hooking up- we were both young and stupid and it didn't mean anything at the time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

confusedandneedsmore said:


> Thanks for the replies-
> I never looked at what Steve was doing to my marriage in a bad way until now- he's a crappy friend to both of us-
> I had no intentions of anything ever happening between Steve and I until I was venting about joe on day.. And then it just got way out of hand..
> I do love joe I really do.. And you all are right I need to separate everything and look at what I'm doing..
> ...


Not to be offensive,but would you consider yourself fickle as it's only been 3 hours or so and now you love your husband again.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

if you were 'on a break' (oh god I did that in a Ross Geller voice) then what's the big drama about not telling 'Joe'?

Steve sounds like a massive arsehole - nice best friend your man has got there


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedandneedsmore said:


> Thanks for the replies-
> I never looked at what Steve was doing to my marriage in a bad way until now- he's a crappy friend to both of us-
> I had no intentions of anything ever happening between Steve and I until I was venting about joe on day.. And then it just got way out of hand..
> I do love joe I really do.. And you all are right I need to separate everything and look at what I'm doing..
> ...


I strongly suggest a more aggressive approach.

Steve is a guy who has wormed his way into your trust zone - enough that you have cheated on your husband with him already.

You need to go talk to your husband and lay it ALL out. And say you love your husband and want to stay with your family.

Your goal here is to enlist your husbands help in shoving Steve completely and totally out of your lives BECAUSE your marriage and family depend on it.

Steve is a snake. He is playing a game of making you come to him, so he can blame the physical affair on you when it happens. He is making you deliberately choose to have sex with him. To give up your family and husband.

Steve is a total A%%hole.


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## confusedandneedsmore (Jun 2, 2012)

TBT said:


> Not to be offensive,but would you consider yourself fickle as it's only been 3 hours or so and now you love your husband again.


It wasnt that.. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about it.. Anyone to be wtf are you thinking
Hense the posting on here..


Having someone telling you their opinion helps clear my mind.. I've been living in this Steve fog for awhile
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

In your 1st POST you said you met both men 10 years ago -- and had sex with BF.

Later you said "I just feel like I'm so young (24) and I don't know what I want"

Did you have sex with BF at 14 ??


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

confusedandneedsmore said:


> I had no intentions of anything ever happening between Steve and I until I was venting about joe on day.. And then it just got way out of hand..


This is a long shot--but if you want to have your eyes opened further, get the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, a link to excerpts on google books is in my signature.

Emotional affairs start out almost all the time exactly the way you've described. You have a problem in your marriage. Instead of 1. talking to your husband about it or 2. asking your husband to attend marriage counseling with you or 3. talking about it with a therapist, you confide the problem in a member of the opposite sex.

All he has to do is show some caring and support--and then it's easy to become infatuated with him in just a few weeks.

This is why this type of activity is dangerous for ALL married people. No one should think they are immune to this recipe. Infatuation is a powerful feeling. 

As you seem to already realize it isn't true love. It isn't tested by reality. But it is a wonderful feeling, which is why you go back again and again for more contact with 'Steve.' It's a little like a drug, you get a little hit, and your self esteem rises from having the attention of another man.

You now know you are very vulnerable in this way. You need to drop Steve entirely. This means zero contact. As long as you keep talking to him or remain in contact in any way (facebook, texting, messaging, etc.), you keep getting a 'hit' of Steve and your compulsion to keep seeing him will continue.

If you are strong and stay away from Steve, you may find that within about 6 to 8 weeks you won't feel so drawn to him. You may start to see that you exaggerated a lot of your issues with your husband (not entirely, but some) and that you also don't seem to pick fights with him as much, etc. In order to maintain the relationship with Steve, to some extent you've been lying to yourself about the precise condition of your marriage. It may have problems, but they probably aren't anywhere as bad as you've made them out to be.

You need counseling, and you need to bare your soul in counseling. You and your husband likely need marriage counseling. As long as Steve is in the picture, you will not put the effort into MC that it requires. Kick Steve to the curb, he doesn't want you anyhow. He isn't going to marry you--why would he--you cheated on his good friend, too.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Another question -- Why didn't you marry Steve 10 years ago if you and Joe were on a "break". 

Also, how did Steve become your best friend after you had sex with him once again when you were on break ? 

Sounds to me that Steve never wanted to commit to marriage and you married poor Joe as the 2nd choice -- and the poor guy doesn't have a clue what happened 10 years ago and all the lies for the duration of your marriage.

Why did you marry Joe ??


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Running sanity check...

Dump your husband.
Lose 50% of time with child.
Lose your real friends.
Lose half your assets
Spend all your money and start again.
Lose your friend who is your husband.
Lose your home.

You have already lost quiet a lot of those. You just don't know it yet. Your life is different now. You have had and are having an affair. 

At the end you win Steve. You will have no money for dates, no time because you will be running a house on your own. No desire because you will only have each other and not a choice. 
In a couple of years you will have nothing at all
No love
No security
No respect.

Is it love to break a persons life so completely?


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