# I feel so empty and sad



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

I don't know why I'm posting; just need to vent I guess.

I had another thread about a month ago, my H has BPD traits. Since my last post, I've started paying attention to the things he says and does, now I think I want out of this rat race.

I'm tired of the insinuations that I have cheated, tired of him trying to control me, tired of him not doing things around the house to help me, tired of him going out almost every damn night to do this or that. Tired of it all. Tired of him acting like an ass when he drinks vodka, tired of him acting like a jerk because I do things without him, I'm just sick of it all.

Keep hoping things will turn around somehow but I dont see it happening. I just want to put my head down and cry. I'm so damn sad that its come to this. I asked him to sheet rock one corner in my sons room so I don't have to look at the hole in the wall anymore. I don't know, I guess I'm asking too much of him, because he won't do it. So my older son is doing it when my H goes away next week. Doesn't matter that my son has no idea what to do, we'll figure it out. I asked him to power wash the house because its dirty. Can't do that either. I'm sick of it. Whole house needs work but it just sits there. Lets not fix a problem, nope, just bandaid it so the problem gets worse. 

I'm hanging in for a bit, maybe by some sort of miracle he will realize I'm detaching rapidly and pull it together. If not, I'm done. I can't do this anymore which is a damn shame. I thought we would be together forever but I don't think so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Why does he think you are cheating? Have you cheated on him before? How long have you been married? Have you talked to him about how you are feeling ?

Clay


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Set up a separation and see what happens.


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Married 20 years. I've talked and talked it gets me nowhere. Talks don't last long, if I say one thing he doesn't want to hear he gets defensive and yells. He had three weeks off, all I asked was can you Sheetrock the room. Had a fit and told me to do it. So I will figure it out. 

Never cheated; although the accusations have worn me out. I've offered to take a poly, counseling, no go. He has calmed down some about the cheating because after having me followed, driving by the gym or store to see if I was there, going thru my closets, examining the phone bills with a fine tooth comb, having his friends keep an eye on me when I was out, he has nothing. Now it's just remarks like he searched for me on POF, goes they my Facebook etc. 

His insecurities are getting worse. I lost maybe 20 pounds in the last couple of years. Not a lot but Im not heavy to begin with, I just wanted to get healthy and tone up. He has gained weight and because he isn't tall, it really shows on him. He really needs to lose a good 40 pounds. So he's insecure about that but does absolutely nothing about it. 

I'm just venting, hope this passes soon. I hate the way I feel when I wake up with this big knot in my stomach. I'm not perfect, but Im a good person and just want to be happy. At 50 years old I really wasn't expecting to be living like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then don't.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You need to take care of you. If he is not willing to do the steps you have offered him to help him address his issue then you should tell him you want to separate. I hope for you that you can wake him up. I am sure you have put up with him because you do love him. 

He really needs help. Someone in his life probably hurt him badly and if he does not get help for it he will never be able to live a healthy life. 

I suffered from this for years. I am one of those people you are talking about. My first wife cheated on me. The girlfriend after that did the same thing and then my second wife did it though out our ten years together. It is so horrible I still have nightmares at night. I have learned how to overcome a lot of this now. I should have went to counseling but I did not. 
I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope you can find a way to reach him. 

Clay


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

My guess is that he has no idea how far gone you already are, how bad the problem has become. I'm concerned that your "talking" has not been delivered in a way that he can understand. I think a lot of women are so concerned about not rocking the boat, upsetting anyone, worried about hurt feelings, etc. that they can sometimes approach a situation in way too "light" a manner to a point that the severity of the message is lost completely.

I think you need to sit him down and deliver the "wake up call" asap, before you have truly reached your final straw. Tell him that you are unhappy, that you do not know how to make things better without his help, and that you will not remain in the marriage for much longer unless things change and they need to start changing immediately. Have a list of the things that you need to see in him ready to go. Explain that your expectations are not unreasonable. (which I assume they aren't) Explain that you love him, that you'd like to grow old with him and feel it would be best for everyone if you both can work it out, but if he can't or is unwilling to change, that you are willing and prepared to move forward with divorce so that you can find happiness with someone else. (DO NOT skip over that last line! It'll be hard to say and hard for him to hear, but you can't take it easy on this!)

The idea is to make it clear in no uncertain terms that he is at a crossroads, he has a choice, to make some changes to save the marriage, or do nothing and make it clear that the marriage will fail. Further, sharing that you love him, want to grow old with him, believing that it will be for the best and that he can change, gives him just a touch of respect/confidence to help cushion his fall a bit and let him know that it isn't all lost YET. Plus it might engage his "The Princess needs rescuing!" mode if he hears that you really want to save the marriage and that you need his help to do so.

As it stands now, if you don't change your approach, he won't change his.


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

cdbaker said:


> My guess is that he has no idea how far gone you already are, how bad the problem has become. I'm concerned that your "talking" has not been delivered in a way that he can understand. I think a lot of women are so concerned about not rocking the boat, upsetting anyone, worried about hurt feelings, etc. that they can sometimes approach a situation in way too "light" a manner to a point that the severity of the message is lost completely.
> 
> I think you need to sit him down and deliver the "wake up call" asap, before you have truly reached your final straw. Tell him that you are unhappy, that you do not know how to make things better without his help, and that you will not remain in the marriage for much longer unless things change and they need to start changing immediately. Have a list of the things that you need to see in him ready to go. Explain that your expectations are not unreasonable. (which I assume they aren't) Explain that you love him, that you'd like to grow old with him and feel it would be best for everyone if you both can work it out, but if he can't or is unwilling to change, that you are willing and prepared to move forward with divorce so that you can find happiness with someone else. (DO NOT skip over that last line! It'll be hard to say and hard for him to hear, but you can't take it easy on this!)
> 
> ...


Thank you. Ill try again. And no, I don't think he realizes the full extent of how I'm feeling. I'm just getting tired if saying the same thing over and over again. I need to find the courage to sit down with him before I just snap like a twig and leave
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I asked my DH to go to therapy for 30 years, and he refused always. Until last year when I said I was done and I'd be moving out if he didn't go. Suddenly, it wasn't such a big deal.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

That's right Turnera!

Musiclover: I'm not discrediting what you are saying when you say, "I'm just getting tired of saying the same thing over and over again", I promise! But I am questioning whether you have ever really said it in a way that gets his attention, that tells him that this is for real and that it can't be ignored. You can even write it in a letter if you think that will help and then read it to him. He just needs to ultimately understand that the marriage is broken, that you find that to be unacceptable, and unless he commits to helping you repair it by agreeing to follow the steps you lay out, that the marriage will be over because you will walk away. 

The idea is to lay out all of the cards plainly to him, let him understand the situation that you've been struggling with all this time, and then make a decision regarding which course he wants to take. That lets him clearly know what his options are, and show you how he feels. He can take action (assuming none of your requests are unreasonable) and prove to you that you and the marriage are worth it to him, or he might just say that the marriage isn't worth the immature things he'd be asked to give up, and choose to let the marriage fail. Either way, you'll be better off.


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Thank you. No he doesn't get it. The little remarks that he makes has chipped away at my heart, I don't even show emotion anymore. Any normal spouse accused of being on POF would be in an uproar; not me lol. I just look at him like WTF. This is what it has become. 

I need to find it in me to talk to him. It's just hard, every talk ends up with him yelling about some nonsense from 5 years ago or how i didnt clean the house properly last week. It's not easy and it scares me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Write him a letter and leave it for him. Inform him that if he can't talk to you without blowing up or blaming you, you won't discuss it and the next thing he gets from you will be divorce papers.


----------



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

They are totally right about spelling out just how bad it is. My wife and I are in our position now because I was upsetting her for years and I never knew. She would have little talks about one thing or another but there was never a "fix this now, or at least show some sort of progress or our marriage is heading for divorce." She never rocked the boat, she just hoped I would get it on my own. I was happy as hell with our relationship, she was not.

If you do sit down to talk with him, write it down first! That way neither of you can say that you didn't know the expectations and your timeline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Thank you. I am going to write it all out and give him a letter. I would prefer talking, but obviously that won't work. Any helpful hints so I don't sound like I'm attacking him, yet making it clear that I'm ready to leave the marriage? 

He goes away the day after Thanksgiving with my son, I plan on getting everything on paper while they are gone. Ill sit down with him when they get back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make it all "I" statements. I feel ABC when XYZ happens. I want to ABC every time XYZ comes up. Make it about how YOU are suffering. And follow up with I can't stay in this situation if nothing changes. I'll understand if you don't want to do the work to fix things, and I'll move on. But I hope you will.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, lots of "I" statements are a good thing.

Assuming that you would like to see the marriage saved...

Start by easing him into the situation. That you've been unhappy and frustrated for a long time. That you've tried your best to relay that to him but you aren't sure if you've been able to deliver that message clearly yet. Lay out the background and the problems you have seen, the reactions he's had that have concerned you or are unacceptable. Again, lots of "I" statements. Assume some humility and take some blame whenever you can as well so that he isn't led to believe that you are trying to say that "Everything is all your fault!" or anything like that. Things like, "I know I could do better with XYZ... I know I have failed in XYZ areas as well..." Insert your concerns amongst those statements to keep it from being full on attack mode, but do not soften the individual concerns by trying to avoid hurting him or something like that. You've got to be direct!

Next is where I'd say you really want to kind of put a scare into him. The state of your marriage at this time is not acceptable to you. If things do not change (or at least start to change) dramatically, then you will not stay in the marriage. You have begun to lose your feelings for him already, and you believe that you deserve to be happy and will find that happiness elsewhere if it comes to that. You are willing to commit to doing what it takes on your end, including helping him, to save the marriage but only if he is willing to commit fully as well. Then describe what that commitment from him must look like, from your perspective.

Only after the "come to jesus" portion can you try to soften the blow just a bit in order to pick him back up off the ground and give him a tiny bit of confidence that not all is lost, yet. That he can still turn the ship around if he chooses. This is where you might say that your marriage to him is very important to you, that you do not want it to end in divorce. You do not want to put your kids, friends and family through that. That you fell in love with him once upon a time and want to feel that love with him again. If he can commit, and follow through by proving it, then you will do the same and you'll be open to his thoughts/suggestions for your own efforts as well.


That's just a few suggestions off the top of my head. Above all, you know him better than anyone, so take anything we say with a grain of salt. Good luck!


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Thanks for the tips. I will be using them when I sit down and write it out. Kind of weird, but out of nowhere he just started working on the house. After the whole Sheetrock incident when I told him I will no longer ask for his help, he started getting busy. If he sheet rocks that room next, I think I will be speechless. It's been real sore spot for me; he used to work construction as a trade. So him not doing it has left a sour taste in my mouth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

And weird I see a lot of the 180 talk in these threads, and realized that I've been doing parts of it. Not even intentional, just going about my life doing what I need to do. No more what time will you be home for dinner sort of thing; now it's in the fridge make yourself a plate when you get in. Maybe he's seeing it, who knows with this man anymore 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been asking my H to fix things for 30 years, to no avail. The last house we left in shambles because he would never repair anything, even though he knows how to do EVERYTHING (we built a whole house together once). This house, at 11 years, is now in the same shape. I would show him a list of things that are falling apart, he'd look at it, walk away without a word, and go fix something NOT on the list. I guess just to show me he wasn't my b*tch, IDK. 

Anyway, what my IC has kept telling me over and over is to just hire someone to take care of it; he'll either send the guy away and do it himself, or grumble while the guy does it and I pay for it, and MAYBE learn to listen to me the next time when I ask. So far, so good. I was going to install a toilet that had been off for 4 years and I asked him where his tools were, he got bent out of shape, and went and fixed the toilet (so I couldn't do it wrong). Whatever, it got done!


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Turnera: That's a GREAT plan. My father-in-law is the same way, and heck I probably am in some form as well. He and my mother-in-law have been building their own house, but he keeps leaving projects unfinished all over the house and starting new ones. That wouldn't be as big of a problem if it weren't for the fact that the projects he starts don't seem nearly as important as the ones he left unfinished. For instance, the main bathroom on the main floor has all of the fixtures and such in there, the flooring, walls, ceiling, drywall, etc. all finished, but none of the fixtures are actually installed. Toilet, sink, bathtub, etc. All just sitting there in their place, not hooked up, screwed in, etc. for four years now. She can't get him to finish it. In just the last six months, he build a tower in the back yard for his ham radio antenna, finished the rear deck, installed fans and lighting on the front deck, etc. So it's not that he's lazy or not being productive, but it's frustrating.

For me, I'm finishing a bathroom in our basement, but I know I still haven't installed the trim in our living room and kitchen on the main floor from when I replaced those floors one and two years ago. I have siding falling off our house from rot, but have two or three other projects prioritized ahead of that nonetheless. I can't completely explain it aside from the fact that siding is boring but nice new bathrooms aren't?

But if my mother-in-law hired someone to come in and finish some of these projects for him, he would probably be furious. He'd send the repairman away for sure, but hopefully he'd get the message and do it himself at that point. It might be unpleasant for a little while, but probably would be worth it. If my wife hired someone to come install the trim or replace siding boards, I probably wouldn't be too upset, but I'd get the picture that I waited too long to do it myself, thats for sure.


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Well I have no idea WTH is going on, but I came home today to more work done on the house. And no stupid comments flinging my way, nothing. Very weird. This man has done more work around the house the last couple of days than he has in the last 5 years... I wonder if he heard me talking to my son. He is 19 and feels the same way i do. Not big into his dad at the moment. Who knows, he probably has a tape recorder set up in the house lol.

Not to sound ungrateful, but it kind of depressed me today that he suddenly is doing this stuff. Sets me back with the letter thing, I think I will sound like an idiot because his comeback will be "haven't you seen I'm doing this and that now"... Had so much I wanted to get off my mind. so now I think I need to wait. I was looking at the talk as a way to get everything out in the open. From him too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

My update: my H and son went away hunting day after Thanksgiving. While they were gone, my older son sheet rocked the room. I took every last item out, painted, put in a new floor, bought new furniture and made the room brand new. It literally took me from Saturday to Wednesday all day long every day.

So they come back and are completely shocked by what we did. My son was overjoyed. His room honestly looked like trash before, I'm not kidding. Anyways, instead of saying great job wife, my H says oh the sheet rock isn't the best he needs to fix up a bit. WTF!!! Anyways I let it slide. I wrote a letter but pretty much had it rehearsed in my head and I planned on talking to him over the weekend. While they were away I went out twice. Both with the same set of girlfriends, couple of drinks on Saturday and pizza on Tuesday. 

H and I went out Thursday and the minute we are alone he starts badgering me about how I went out those two nights. Honest to God he was like a prosecuter on a trial. I completely lost it. I was so damn mad; here I am busting my tail while he was off having a good old time and he comes back questioning me like I'm 13 years old. Anyway, I just let him have it. I don't care anymore about his jealousy issues, insecurities, whatever. GET HELP or cut it out or I'm done with this marriage. I couldn't have been more blunt if I wanted to. So we will see where this goes. 

I don't get it. How in the world this man justifies to himself that he can do whatever he wants and I better not leave the house for a couple of hours while he is away is beyond me.... 
I made plans with the people I work with for Friday. Holiday get together after work for dinner. One stupid remark from him I think I'm gonna just call it a day with him. Because then ill know he really just doesn't get it;(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't ask for better treatment; you expect and demand it.


----------



## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

musiclover, I think you've had enough of this!


----------

