# Is my one true love worth it... still?



## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

This is going to be so long, I apologize...

My wife and I were high-school sweethearts, and I know for a fact that there has never been another man in her life besides me. When she graduated from college, we we're faced with the prospect of separation because of her parents. She fought for me, and we got married.

That was 11 years ago, two kids, and now a one year old home.

Mid-July this year, she mentioned that she's not happy with the marriage anymore. She said that she looks back at everything that happened between us and she realizes she missed out on a lot of things like going out with friends, discovering relationships, etc.

Being a very open-minded person, I encouraged her to go out with her co-workers - movies, poker nights. I am actually quite pleased with this renewed interest of hers because she's just always been a homebody, and this will actually bring excitement in her life.

On 25th of July, she said she'll be late with her co-workers because they planned on seeing the Dark Knight. I saw the midnight show the week before, but I wanted to see it with her again. I told her it'd be OK, so she went.

She did not come home until 3 AM, and this was the first time that I was worried. I asked her that night if there was another man, or if there was someone who is trying to woo her, but she said no.

The next day, at her dental appointment at 8AM, I was playing with her phone when she got a text (she was on the dental chair). It was a co-worker I knew, but it raised suspicions. I found out SMS exchanges between them, and I realized she has a relationship with the guy.

I confronted her that night, and she came clean with me. My reaction would probably shock most of you, but I told her it's OK. Just seek your happiness, but I only ask your honesty. I even went so far as suggest she "do it" with him just to get it out of her system. I only ask her to reveal me three things:
If they kiss, If they have sex, and if she falls in love.

I figured if I knew what was coming, I would be able to play with the cards that were dealt me.

I told her a week later that the only thing holding our relationship together was our honesty and trust with each other. The day after that talk, she came clean and told me that she had sex with him on movie night. Again, a very unconventional response from me: "Did you have fun?"

She claimed she did, and that the experience of another man is something she won't be curious about anymore.

Now, the hard part. I notice that she's protective of her emails whenever I'm around. This raised more suspicions on my part, and I went the low road and installed a keylogger. I then found out that they have already said their I Love You's together, and they are already planning what-if scenarios, another kid for him since he's an only child, and him sometimes suggesting I hope I leave my wife alone for the night, etc.

I have evidence that my wife is now lying to me, and that really broke my heart. I kept asking her to come clean, but she's very stubborn and just keeps lying through her teeth. If I didn't know about the emails, I would probably believe her.

The thing I also noticed is that she's lying to the new guy as well. Saying things like she's at one place that weekend, when she's actually with me at the mall.

Now, I love this woman above all things - my love for her is more than my love for my kids. I am not bothered by the physical stuff going on, but I will draw the line if she does love someone else. I've always said I can print the emails and present it to her to stop her in her tracks, but I also know that my spying is not really a high point in my life, and it might actually end the marriage abruptly.

Should I confront her with the emails? Should I just let her "play" me until she decides which guy to stay with? Is it worth getting stepped on and swallowing your pride to fight for your loved one?

Thanks for letting me rant.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H is a compulsive liar, also. It really does complicate things. When i did find something on his computer i confronted him with it. If you want to try and work on your relationship then i think you should confront her. If you dont your hurt will come out in other ways. I dont think you should ask her to be honest anymore. its obviously not something she's capable of. I certainly dont ask my H to be honest with me anymore. what would be the point.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

Wow, I never looked at it in that perspective. I will consider doing just that. I try to give her time to actually come out of the lie, but it might be a better approach to confront her immediately.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ljtseng 
:iagree:

draconis


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Don't take this the wrong way. But it is comforting that others are sharing my similar situation. Take heart and we'll get through this together.

N


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

Update:

After reading ljtseng's reply, I finally got the nerve to confront her that same night.

Just a quick background though. Her mom is also a compulsive liar, so I guess the fruit does not fall off far from the tree. My wife's dad also died 3 years ago, and the mom has a BF right now, and my wife and her sisters are against it. The mom confronted my wife and told her that she has been unhappy with the dad for 30 years, and now she's pursuing her happiness.

That being said, when I talked to my wife, I asked her again if she was already in-love with the new guy. She vehemently denied it, and she claimed they are still trying to determine where they are in the relationship. I immediately showed her the collection of emails I have and watched as she squirmed with guilt.

I then took her aside, and I told her that I really love her despite all these things, but that she has broken the only thing that I am holding onto, which is her honesty. I told her that if she finds happiness with this new guy, that I won't get in her way. I also told her that I don't want her to come up to me 30 years from now, like her mom, and claim that she's been unhappy all along. Lastly, I told her that she should not follow her mom's footsteps of being a liar.

I also mentioned those white lies that she emails the new guy, and called her on it. I told her that's the wrong way to start the relationship. If she starts lying to him, then the cycle will continue.

She took it all in, and apologized while she's crying. She told me she never realized the extent of my love for her because of the way I handled everything. A typical guy would have kicked her to the curb months ago. She also tried to cop out by saying she only hid the fact because she wanted to "protect" me. I told her I'll have none of that.

Right now, I am still hurt. I still feel that I can't love another woman like I love her no matter how hard I try, but because I do love her, I am willing to let her find her happiness and sacrifice mine.

It's just been a day, and she told the new guy about me knowing everything. I'm not sure how it will affect their relationship, but I think it's time for me to start my healing process. It will be hard because she still comes home, and they still do not know where they are headed, but I need to start sometime.

I like to thank this forum because *only one reply helped me out a LOT.*


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

butazez said:


> I confronted her that night, and she came clean with me. My reaction would probably shock most of you, but I told her it's OK. Just seek your happiness, but I only ask your honesty. I even went so far as suggest she "do it" with him just to get it out of her system. I only ask her to reveal me three things:
> If they kiss, If they have sex, and if she falls in love.


I did read your original post and honestly had no idea how to respond or what to offer based on the paragraph above. Being married, I just can't imagine giving my husband the go ahead as it would tear me apart. It just seems like have your cake and eat it too and don't worry about leaving me and my feelings in the dust. I don't think I could do it unless I had some of my own skeletons in the closet (not suggesting you do, just the way I am)

The difficult thing is that you've already given her the go ahead so I don't see much you can do other than sit back and wait it out. If the dishonesty issue is enough to push you to say "I'm not putting up with this" then hopefully she will make a decision...the guy that she's married to and will stand by her through thick or thin or the guy she barely knows that has no idea where this will lead. If she chooses the latter, don't be surprised if she re-appears in a few months wanting you back. The grass is hardly ever greener. 

I honestly think that might be the best course of action at this point because you will then be able to talk about boundaries within the marriage if you should take her back.

Hang in there...many of us know the emotional state you are in right now but it does get easier over time.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I guess if I have to explain it, I just have to say that I am a VERY liberated, open-minded guy - and probably VERY stupid as well.

I am one of those guys you heard about who would be OK to an open relationship. I just do not act out on it because my wife is not into it. I also know that she did not do this purposely for the sex, because I really do know her.

After our confrontation the other night, she mentioned that sometime two years ago, she stopped loving me as a husband, and just loved me as the father of our children. Had she told me that then, I would have known something is wrong and tried to correct/fix it.

In the end, the lack of communication eventually led to this.

I say I'm stupid, because, as you mentioned, she might come back to me after a while. I did mention that to her the other night as well. I told her I'll keep on loving her, and that I will always accept her back if she decides to come back.

Am I just really in love, insane, or insanely in-love? GAH!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, in a way you have already decided what to do. Sit on the sidelines and wait.

Maybe the pain this is causing will at some point make you retract that and tell her there will be strings attached if she wants to come back...Mutual respect. Otherwise, I think you will be setting yourself up to be hurt over and over and that in-love thing will begin to diminish.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

butazez said:


> Am I just really in love, insane, or insanely in-love? GAH!


Definitely insanely in-love :smthumbup:

It sounds like you're thinking it through and trying to understand yourself and your love for her in this situation. Keep doing things that make you happy and keep communicating with her. One way or another things will work out.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

*Update*

Besides this board, I had no one else to talk to about what happened to me until I got a hold of my wife's estranged sister. I've trusted this sister among all her sisters because she's considered their black sheep - she did not put up with all the BS that is going on with the family.

I could not tell her what happened, so I printed out this thread and had her read it instead. After reading the thread, she advised me to stop catering to my wife. She told me I've done that since the beginning, and that my wife was being selfish.

I confronted my wife that same night, and I told her to either end the relationship with the guy, or to end our marriage. I told her I would apply for physical custody of the kids, but we would have shared legal custody. She was surprised by my sudden decision, but I told her I had to do it since she can't decide how to go about things. I also told her that I'm done "sharing" her. She decided to stay with me "for the sake of the kids."

The next day, I setup a meet with the guy, but she intercepted the meet. She wanted me to cancel it, but I pressed on. I told the guy that my wife chose her family, and that I want him to limit their conversations to matters professional. He claimed that it has been like that since I discovered the emails. My wife asked him to give her space after I found out about the emails. I then asked him if he loved my wife, and he said he "thought so, until she told me to stop." My wife heard this tidbit since she was next to us.

My wife and I decided to be casual the past week. I told her to refrain from calling me, and we were just civil when we're at home in front of the kids, but nothing intimate. She still gave me kisses as she left for work and before going to bed, but other than that we we're practically strangers at home.

When the weekend came, we talked about the situation again, and the subject of our sex life came up. We've determined pretty early on that we were not compatible. I have the libido of a teen, and she does not seem to like sex that much. So much in fact that she feels it's like a chore. Despite all these, we somehow ended up having sex over the weekend (not making love).

We talked again afterward, and our sexual incompatibility took center stage. It all boiled down to her still having feelings for the guy, and she's currently repressing those feelings for now. She also acknowledges the fact that she sees my frustration in our sex life.

It kills me that she has feelings for the other guy, and I really want her to be happy. I told her again that I'll let her go with him if she really want to pursue that, but I would have to be out of the picture. For her part, she also told me that she realizes how frustrated I am with our sex life, and that it would be OK for me to have some booty calls now and then, and she'll be OK with it.

At first I looked at it as an excuse for her to continue seeing the other guy, but she said that was not the case. She just accepted the fact that she can't keep up with me.

I told her I appreciate the offer, but until we get rid of the huge elephant in the room, I won't consider doing something that might strain our relationship further.

I also told her that I noticed that after all the stuff that happened, I am always the one wooing her. I asked her sister if it's fair for me to court my wife or win her love back, despite the fact that I was the one who was cheated on. The sister told me that it was OK, since if it does not work out, I can tell the kids that I did my very best to save the marriage.

BTW, is it fair for the kids (when they grow up) to say that you stayed in a loveless marriage "because of the kids?" Personally, I think that's a cowardly thing to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Re: Update*



butazez said:


> BTW, is it fair for the kids (when they grow up) to say that you stayed in a loveless marriage "because of the kids?" Personally, I think that's a cowardly thing to do.


I hear a lot that this is the cowardly thing to do. but i know divorce is extremely hard on kids, not to mention remarriages, merged families, etc. I cannot think of either one being a good situation but wouldn't really say one is better then the other. Both situations have pro's and con's associated with them.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> BTW, is it fair for the kids (when they grow up) to say that you stayed in a loveless marriage "because of the kids?" Personally, I think that's a cowardly thing to do.


This happened to my cousin and he grew up under pressure all his life. He shouldered much more then he really should have.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My parents did that & I think the worst part is what I thought marriage was like...no kissing/i love you/sleeping in the same bed, the whole 'roommate' thing. I'm glad my husband's parents were the opposite...& I did have the Brady Bunch mom and dad as a good role model of what I wanted


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I guess this is not a "one size fits all" situation. Every kid handles challenges in a different way. Some may appreciate the fact that the parents stayed together for their sake, while others will think that their parents became miserable because of them and shoulder that burden.

I think the challenge lies in determining how my kids will handle the situation. Unfortunately, they did not come with any manuals.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am in my second marriage and have 3 kids from my first. The divorce definitely affected my eldest and he carries anger to this day (he's now 18). My other two were 3 & 5 when we divorced (eldest was 9) so they adjusted well and have also adjusted well to my now husband.

I really believe with my eldest son it had everything to do with my ex treating him like a best friend throughout the separation and divorce and saying disrespectful things about me and my now husband. (things like 'don't ever get married...women will just screw you over' and referring to my husband as 'that Joe guy' instead of by his first name.) Oddly, he received 1/2 of our assets and I agreed to 1/2 of the state mandated percentage for child support (to which he never paid) and meet him 1/2 way to drop off/pick up the kids so he's planted some very negative seeds that are totally unfounded. 

He on the other hand, was engaged while we were still married (unbeknownst to her) and married 2 months after we divorced. I have always shown his wife respect and my kids all respect her to this day, because I have always been concerned about how they are handling these major changes that they have no say in. I should have 1/2 a tongue by now due to the number of times I've had to bite it over the years 

What I'm getting at is that it is possible for kids to be happy and well adjusted in a divorced situation (although not ideal) but it really depends on how the parents interact with one another and that they keep the adult conversations away from the kids and absolutely know in their heart that the divorce is in no way their fault and that your love for them as parents is unconditional and will last forever.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I might add, if you do get to that point, think about the types of questions they will ask...will we have to move? when will we see you? will you both come to my games? etc. and if you are able to agree on these answers beforehand it will ease their minds to eliminate as many unknowns as possible.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

My wife exhibits some characteristics like your ex. We had a nasty fight about 4 years ago and she took the kids with her to one of her sisters. I found out later that she was feeding my kids and my in-laws stuff that will make them lose respect for me.

I brought this up to her when we were talking over the weekend of the possibility of a divorce. I mentioned it was one of the major reasons why I would seek sole physical custody. If she gets the kids, I definitely know that they will be brainwashed somehow. My wife knows that I don't say anything bad about her to our kids.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I noticed it has already been three weeks, but it feels much longer since I confronted my wife and put my foot down. She complied with my request to stop communicating on a personal level with the guy. After about a week, I noticed how unhappy my wife was. I know she still thinks of him, and I could not bear to see her unhappy. I finally relented and told her it would be OK for her to talk to him again. We basically set some ground rules that while she's trying to figure out how she feels and what she wants to do with her life/feelings, she should still respect me as a husband and answer any or all of my questions truthfully.

We agreed on the current setup, but she told me they haven't talked about their relationship for a week after I gave the greenlight. Having trust issues, I've always been skeptical to the point of spying on her emails, cell phone records, and browsing histories - because it seems absurd that she still hasn't spoken to him about "them."

It all came to a boil on the 15th. She did not eat her packed lunch, and claimed that she had lunch with her other co-workers and paid cash. I checked her cash and she did not spend any.

We had a big fight that night, to the point of considering filing for divorce the next day. We both knew everything we said was done under great stress, so we talked again when we were both cooled down the next day.

A strange thing happened since the fight. We actually got along better. Our deal with her seeing the guy is still in place, but she tells me about it, and I actually feel like I don't need to spy on her anymore.

Despite this new closeness and openness between the two of us, I realized that I am no longer jealous of the other guy. I just thought about this yesterday, and it scared me.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I wish that I could feel that way. I have been living in hell for almost 2 months. 8/11/2008 is the day that changed my life. That was the day my marriage died. We are separated and I am pushing for a divorce. She states flatly that she is not leaving the house but I know in time she will without me kicking her out. 

Time will heal my friend. Time will heal.

N


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