# sex fixes everything?



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

so, I know that the title of my thread isn't actually true... or is it?! no, I know it's not the solution to my marital problems... but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stripped naked and went into the room my husband has been sleeping in for the past several months and proceeded to seduce him?? I'm like 99% sure (I think) that despite everything, that he would oblige. Before when things first started getting rocky like a bit over a year ago and sex was reduced, but still happened, he would always say that he "missed me" whenever we did have sex. Then things continued to get worse and sex is pretty much nonexistent now. 

What would happen if I did that? Or even just ran up to him and kissed him out of no where? Would it have any change beyond that one night of passion? Who knows. Probably not. Sometimes I think if he approached me I would oblige as well... though I doubt that would ever happen. Do you think if we just f***** everyday that could save our marriage? :rofl: Anyone else ever entertain thoughts like that when going through serious marriage issues? It's so strange that this even crosses my mind because things are so terrible between us right now/lately and I at times borderline hate him. Am I screwed up for thinking this?!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Nope! You are a normal healthy woman who doesn't want her marriage to end and is willing to be totally vulnerable to establish some sort of bond upon which more can grow.

I say go for it! Worse thing have happened right? Now get in there and make it count!


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm afraid I have to differ with Anon (and suffer the wrath!!!!!).

Things have clearly not been good between you and your husband, hence you sleep in separate rooms.

Stripping off, going into his room and 'having him' won't solve things. Slowly slowly does it.
If you just go in and have him it would give the impression that you were just feeling horny, wanted sex and he was there.

When the plaster comes off a broken leg you can't just go out and run on it straight away...slowly does it.

Adeline needs to be more smiley, happy, touchy feely and generally connect more with her husband...then the sex, no, the love making will slowly follow.

I'm in a sexless marriage...if my wife suddenly came on to me in a big way (ie naked and begging for it) I'm afraid I would think she is after something (material) and I would probably react negatively.

You both need to woo each other back again - but it takes TWO to make it work.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For myself, a man, sex is a million times better for me to unstress, bond with my wifee, than any amount of talking. The more sex we have, the more I open up and really talk with her. A lot of sex also makes me feel chill and relaxed, no matter what stress comes my way. So if she seduced me often, sex almost every day, I would be the happiest hubby on earth. I would never have to beg and get rejected for sex. I would be so unstressed, relaxed and chill, I could talk to my wifee hours on end. Most men have high sex drives and need that physical connection. Now if my wifee doesn't want sex much, lots of talking though, and then when our marriage is having issues because of the lack of connection, then she wants sex badly. That's because she let the sex slide so much and is now worried she will loose me. Wrong reason to have sex altogether. Recently this is no longer the situation but for 14 years it was. Guys love language is mainly physical and that's how we emotionally connect, physically and bond with our women.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

interesting! love all the perspectives. 

askari- that is something I hadn't thought of, that he might think I had an ulterior motive like you mentioned. Too bad I don't... should I think of something? just kidding! 

I wish our sex life was the reason for our problems, that would be an easy fix! Sadly, the lack of sex is just a side effect of our other problems. It's weird, because doing the random rendezvous I described seems more doable than holding hands or kissing... all the romantic affection. 

I think it's just so I could feel a connection and love from him for at least a night. The hormones kind of create that for you even when love is diminished, it seems. I just miss normality. Even sex!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Does it fix things by itself? No. But sometimes it breaks the ice. We've actually sometimes had big fights after really good sex, but I think the sex opens us up to get issues out in the open.

I'm actually a believer in forcing yourself to have sex from time to time even when you don't feel like it just to avoid the bad effects of a long dry spell on your marriage. I also find that even if that one "forced" time is bad, the next time is usually much better.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Sex doesn't fix things, but it can lead into a positive direction. There is a sex challenge, proposed by a pastor in Florida to all married couples, to have sex for 30 straight days & your marriage will be transformed. The key, he noted, is you have to go into this with a positive attitude & excitement, so it doesn't become boring & routine.
We only made it 4 days, before it became too much of a daily chore that she just wanted to get through & turning me off.
My wife had actually agreed to try it & our sex life was dismal, so it may help you?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It won't solve everything, but it's a good step in the right direction. Like money, it may not make you happy, but it can sure make you less unhappy!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not know what you two's problems are. I browsed through a few of your earlier posts but I did see anything specific other than you argue a lot with some physical aggression that you seem to initiate but that seems to be after he gets in your face and says very hurtful things.

Was there a post about the nature of the problem?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Does it fix things by itself? No. But sometimes it breaks the ice. We've actually sometimes had big fights after really good sex, but I think the sex opens us up to get issues out in the open.
> 
> I'm actually a believer in forcing yourself to have sex from time to time even when you don't feel like it just to avoid the bad effects of a long dry spell on your marriage. I also find that even if that one "forced" time is bad, the next time is usually much better.


It's best to never get dry, like a fish...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't think on it's own sex will fix everything but it will bring you closer together. It's hard to resent someone who's in the process of making you feel good. Not to mention certain hormones that get released that aid with bonding.

The other side of the coin being not engaging in sex will increase the resentment exacerbating the problem.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

A man can't stay angry at someone who's having regular hot sex with him.


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## AmyPruett (Jan 16, 2014)

Sex doesn't fix everything, it only offers temporary relief. I think you should give it a try. Why not? I think there's more to gain. He might open up with you and you'd get the chance to talk things through.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

don't get it. imo, sex should be bringing you together.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> For myself, a man, sex is a million times better for me to unstress, bond with my wifee, than any amount of talking. The more sex we have, the more I open up and really talk with her. A lot of sex also makes me feel chill and relaxed, no matter what stress comes my way. So if she seduced me often, sex almost every day, I would be the happiest hubby on earth. I would never have to beg and get rejected for sex. I would be so unstressed, relaxed and chill, I could talk to my wifee hours on end. Most men have high sex drives and need that physical connection. Now if my wifee doesn't want sex much, lots of talking though, and then when our marriage is having issues because of the lack of connection, then she wants sex badly. That's because she let the sex slide so much and is now worried she will loose me. Wrong reason to have sex altogether. Recently this is no longer the situation but for 14 years it was. Guys love language is mainly physical and that's how we emotionally connect, physically and bond with our women.


As a man I must agree.

It is how we know our partners love us. No sex from wife means she doesn't love us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

*Re: Re: sex fixes everything?*



soulseer said:


> As a man I must agree.
> 
> It is how we know our partners love us. No sex from wife means she doesn't love us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your partner can still love you, just not be "in love" with you, two different feelings. One is caring about your general well being & the other is being emotionally close to you.
I quit asking for sex because I would feel worse after, because we're not close. It becomes a fake act. My sex drive has always been driven by my heart, both a blessing & a curse.
Sex becomes a temporary fairyland, but then it's back to reality.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Adeline said:


> ...Sadly, the lack of sex is just a side effect of our other problems...


Bingo. So many fail to see this.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Bingo. So many fail to see this.


You could have the 99 problems.... But if you did a 30 day sex challenge to bridge the connectivity. Many of those mountains will turn into molehills. It's likely the problems aren't as big as your making them and the stress and tension makes them larger. The sex and connectivity changes this.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

treyvion said:


> You could have the 99 problems.... But if you did a 30 day sex challenge to bridge the connectivity. Many of those mountains will turn into molehills. It's likely the problems aren't as big as your making them and the stress and tension makes them larger. The sex and connectivity changes this.


The 'Fake it until you make it' approach?

possibly, but by the time you have 2 people taking an active role in resenting each other for whatever reasons... its going to take more than some rolls in the sheets to get them pulling in the same direction again.

If you dont have trust and faith in what you believe your spouse IS as person - if you dont understand or have lost that respect - sex just isnt going to help unless you want to spend time with them. Look up to them. Value them. Desire them - and by that I mean more than physical desires and needs.

Sex is easy enough when you are talking about crotches and getting off. Sex only matters long term when your brains and emotions are fully invested as well, and when you value the other unequivically. Sex is somethng that kicks in once you are free in your mind from the critique and uncertainty and troubled thoughts about your partner and their behavior and motivations and everything about them physically, phillosophically, emotionally, all of it.

It can also mean that a person needs to accept the other for what they are. I believe that people hit a wall sometimes in relationships... and it really comes down to people saying 'I wish they would...' or 'They dont..' etc. Things can get easier when you come to accept someone without reservation on some of those scores too. After 10-20-30 years - some people cant accept their partner. Others seem to make it happen. I wonder how often this is more about 'us' than it is about 'them'... Yeah I know manyl get tired of 'giving' - but if that is the way you are looking at it - then you have almost lost the battle already. Remember what 'giving' felt like early on in the relationship? It felt awesome. Have they changed that much really, or are we simply tired?

just Babbling.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> The 'Fake it until you make it' approach?
> 
> possibly, but by the time you have 2 people taking an active role in resenting each other for whatever reasons... its going to take more than some rolls in the sheets to get them pulling in the same direction again.
> 
> If you dont have trust and faith in what you believe your spouse IS as person - if you dont understand or have lost that respect - sex just isnt going to help unless you want to spend time with them. Look up to them. Value them. Desire them - and by that I mean more than physical desires nd needs.


You pretty much nailed this. So the situation you describe they'd have more trust and regard for an absolute stranger than the spouse who they built up this resentment and lack of trust with.




anotherguy said:


> Sex is easy enough when you are talking about crotches and getting off. Sex only matters long term when your brains and emotions are fully invested as well.
> 
> just Babbling.


Yeah


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> 100% untrue. Can and will if the underlying problem is not resolved.


You're speaking from your perspective as a woman. What about your husband? Sex of course doesn't "fix everything", but as I indicated, for a guy it greatly improves things.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Adeline said:


> so, I know that the title of my thread isn't actually true... or is it?! no, I know it's not the solution to my marital problems... but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stripped naked and went into the room my husband has been sleeping in for the past several months and proceeded to seduce him?? I'm like 99% sure (I think) that despite everything, that he would oblige. Before when things first started getting rocky like a bit over a year ago and sex was reduced, but still happened, he would always say that he "missed me" whenever we did have sex. Then things continued to get worse and sex is pretty much nonexistent now.
> 
> What would happen if I did that? Or even just ran up to him and kissed him out of no where? Would it have any change beyond that one night of passion? Who knows. Probably not. Sometimes I think if he approached me I would oblige as well... though I doubt that would ever happen. Do you think if we just f***** everyday that could save our marriage? :rofl: Anyone else ever entertain thoughts like that when going through serious marriage issues? It's so strange that this even crosses my mind because things are so terrible between us right now/lately and I at times borderline hate him. Am I screwed up for thinking this?!


I also say go for it, I would, I would try it, and why not.


Whose saying its something he would not really love, and could be something hes craving, who knows till you try.. 

I know there is nothing my husband loves more than me attacking him out of nowhere, It makes him feel wanted, and loved.

Having good sex and laying in each others arms often, is a very good tonic, for anything, the closeness just been together.

I say give it a go. Nothing ventured nothing gained.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Did he appreciate it before when you asked for sex? If he was often the agressor I would say go for it. If you were often the agressor and got turned down id say no. If the man has lost his drive and you know it, it will look like it's all about you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If there is a broken relationship from infidelity then such a appoach may only engender mistrustful questions.

Be prepared to answer why now, after all this time do you want me? 

If you at all act wounded by a rejection then your ploy is not a genuine attempt to fix things. It is merely adding insult to injury.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

*Re: Re: sex fixes everything?*



anotherguy said:


> Bingo. So many fail to see this.


My counselor once told me this. When a marriage is strong, sex issues only account for 20%. When a marriage is damaged, sex issues account for 80%.
Basically a good marriage will mean good sex & vice versa when it's bad. Fix the marriage, sex takes care of itself.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

thanks for all the insight thus far!



usmarriedguy said:


> I do not know what you two's problems are. I browsed through a few of your earlier posts but I did see anything specific other than you argue a lot with some physical aggression that you seem to initiate but that seems to be after he gets in your face and says very hurtful things.
> 
> Was there a post about the nature of the problem?


no, that's whats sad/confusing... what I've written about really are the issues... there isn't really one "thing" that has caused this. No money problems, no infidelity (that I know of), none of that. Sure, we've always fought here and there since we've met, but not more than the average couple. It was only a year and a half ago or so where his demeanor changed. He became more mean and hurtful and short tempered. At first he'd be apologetic, but then say the same horrible things the next fight. And then the fights got closer together. I got sick of being belittled every week and began to start to yell back. No I'm just exhausted a year later. Our relationship has completely suffered and diminished. He is convinced it is my fault. It's maddening that there isn't an actual "thing" to blame it on besides the fights themselves.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Adeline said:


> thanks for all the insight thus far!
> 
> 
> 
> no, that's whats sad/confusing... what I've written about really are the issues... there isn't really one "thing" that has caused this. No money problems, no infidelity (that I know of), none of that. Sure, we've always fought here and there since we've met, but not more than the average couple. It was only a year and a half ago or so where his demeanor changed. He became more mean and hurtful and short tempered. At first he'd be apologetic, but then say the same horrible things the next fight. And then the fights got closer together. I got sick of being belittled every week and began to start to yell back. No I'm just exhausted a year later. Our relationship has completely suffered and diminished. He is convinced it is my fault. It's maddening that there isn't an actual "thing" to blame it on besides the fights themselves.


From personal experience it never really makes sense. You would think your spouse would want to stop fighting and get back to normal... doesn't happen easily. In my personal situation I really doubt my wife remembers what she went off sex (we don't fight) with me it just is now which makes it hard to get back to sex. Plus there is the other end of the one getting the raw deal. Nothing ever is quite right until it resolves however that seemingly takes its own course on no certain timetable and with no certainty. Hence his forum.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> Your partner can still love you, just not be "in love" with you, two different feelings. One is caring about your general well being & the other is being emotionally close to you.
> I quit asking for sex because I would feel worse after, because we're not close. It becomes a fake act. My sex drive has always been driven by my heart, both a blessing & a curse.
> Sex becomes a temporary fairyland, but then it's back to reality.


:iagree::iagree:

On the odd occasion my wife comes on to me the only thing it raises are mu suspicions!
Why? What has she done? What does she want? 
Years of her rejecting me because she didn't "feel like it" has killed my libido. She thinks having sex with me every now and then will right things. No it won't.

Maybe when you are 30 it will but touching 50 I want someone I am emotionally connected to first...then the sex will follow.
Having sex won't fix the long term emotional 'damage'.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I guess he has some mental health problems that need to be addressed -seems like I read that you are waiting for your first therapy session. Hopefully it is something that can be fixed but I doubt sex will fix it. 

Maybe he grew up in an unhealthy household.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Adeline said:


> thanks for all the insight thus far!
> 
> 
> 
> no, that's whats sad/confusing... what I've written about really are the issues... there isn't really one "thing" that has caused this. No money problems, no infidelity (that I know of), none of that. Sure, we've always fought here and there since we've met, but not more than the average couple. *It was only a year and a half ago or so where his demeanor changed. He became more mean and hurtful and short tempered.* At first he'd be apologetic, but then say the same horrible things the next fight. And then the fights got closer together. I got sick of being belittled every week and began to start to yell back. No I'm just exhausted a year later. Our relationship has completely suffered and diminished. He is convinced it is my fault. It's maddening that there isn't an actual "thing" to blame it on besides the fights themselves.


What was going on in his life at that time? New job or new responsibilities at work? Family drama? New financial stress? Alternately, a new hobby, new friend, or reappearance of an old friend? Something changed for him at that time. You need to figure out what it was.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

thanks y'all... I am crushed... the snow storm here in the south caused our appointment to be cancelled... I tried rescheduling and she doesn't have any openings until the next session I had booked anyways... which is a week from now  What horrible timing. 

usmarriedguy- as time went on, I have suspected the same exact thing, but I couldn't be sure. That's what I was hoping counseling might help us with... if it ever happens! He has always been on good terms with his family, the only thing is I've always found his dad to be a bit of a jerk... but it doesn't seem to bother him or the rest of his family.

Rowan- Nothing that I can think of that would be negative... we've been living here for a few years, he got an even better job in his field that he has been advancing in which has brought him more money. We've bought a house, he's been able to buy his dream car and all sorts of toys to his desire. Financially we are very comfortable right now. He gets along with his co workers and enjoys what he does. He seems to have everything he wants professionally and materially, and yet has been the most unhappy I've ever seen him. grrrr... I am so upset that the appointment was cancelled


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

With my ex..... I thought because we had a steady sex life that "at least we had that". Well, turns out we didn't have anything and the sex didn't mean anything (which of course is what I thought at least half the time).


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

SunnyT- well, right now we don't even have a sex life... so yeah. Not good. If anyone should be unhappy, it's me, and I'm not that. I don't have half the accomplishments he has, but I can still enjoy life. But I'm a pretty content person as long as I have good experiences with good people. I can easily have a good day even if circumstances are bad. I am very in the moment happy, even when it's running errands with my husband on a neutral day. So whats his problem? I always wonder.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What I still don't understand, is why ladies think sex isn't the issue and it won't fix anything. That's a LD spouse or woman for you and not from a high drive man's perspective.

If the LD spouse or lady, took care of their other half's sexual needs, they would open up and talk way more. But what I see happening, no sex for quite the while, the hubby withdraws and she wonders why? Really?! *Men have a higher sex drive and that is our way of bonding and being emotionally connected to our women.*

IF the sex isn't there, the HD spouse or hubby isn't going to be there because their needs (physical) aren't being taken care of. This leads to bickering, fighting over silly things, not communicating and becoming more like room mates and friends.

When you get in a serious relationship and married, your previous needs are now irrelevant. You are to take care of your other half's needs as your own from now on. So if you aren't in the mood much, aren't willing to do much about it, you are the problem and don't be surprised when the relationship goes down hill.

I've read situations were the hubby suddenly goes LD and the wifee is wondering what's going on? Turns out, after some time, he was either addicted to porn or seeing someone else. Seldom is it low test levels.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

soulseer said:


> As a man I must agree.
> 
> It is how we know our partners love us. No sex from wife means she doesn't love us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Exactly:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I know what you are saying CuddleBug, but I really don't think that's the main issue here. I know though that it definitely can't be helping the situation either, though. It's just an after effect. Our sex life was great before, and even continued into the beginning of our downward spiral. As he became more emotionally abusive I just lost any desire to do that with him. And every time things would go into a good direction for a few days, it would go sour again just as things were about to get "normal" again and something like sex would follow. I've actually thought in my head at times "do you not realize i was about to have sex with you this weekend?!" every time he would go back to his old ways after a good day. However, it does cross my mind to do this, hence the thread, mainly because I want to feel necessary to him again.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Something is causing him to behave this way. Something is stressing him out. 


- initially, the relationship and sex seemed good
- then 1.5 years ago, he demeanor just changed for the worse and he now is emotionally abusive.
- you no longer desire him and no more sex
- he is abusive and you guys fight often over minor things
- he got a new job and is making more money


For me, when I was having sex with my wifee 1x month, we were distant and always fighting about minor things. My wifee always wondered why I was so angry and confrontational. She finally got it, took the 5 love languages quiz and found out I am Physical 12. Now when I initiate, we have sex and no hurtful excuses on her part. That made a big difference for us communicating and getting along and no more fights. And we both work full time and money is not an issue either.

If he is a high drive guy HD and could have sex every day and you have a lower sex drive, he will be sexually starved and month after month, year after year, this leaves resentment and it builds up.

He could also be interested in a co worker and when his demeanor changed 1.5 years ago, getting a new job, new co workers, more money, that could be the case.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

no, his sex drive is rather low. Or maybe average, I don't know. In the beginning of the relationship several years ago our drives were similar, mine was even a bit higher. We were a long distance relationship for a time and every time we were together we would mess around every single night. I remember one visit he didn't initiate like he always had and so I did and asked him if he wanted to and he said he was a bit sore and tired. I remember feeling so worried that something was wrong, kind of funny looking back! But as we were together longer and then got married and lived together things mellowed out. He has always worked long, hard hours and falls asleep rather early. He would sometimes initiate but it lessened, so I would take the liberty to "make sure" we had sex once a week or so. He didn't seem to need it more than that. I definitely initiated 90% of the time. He has always accepted when I would come onto him, never rejected me except for that one time very early on in the relationship.

Like I said, this continued fairly regularly even into the beginning stages of this mess. It didn't seem to make a lick of difference. I'm no longer on birth control, and even at one point when things had been neutral for a few days I went out and bought condoms, fully prepared to sleep with him. Well, those condoms have been sitting in my drawer unused for several months now. Money can't buy happiness seems to cheesily apply here.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Nope! You are a normal healthy woman who doesn't want her marriage to end and is willing to be totally vulnerable to establish some sort of bond upon which more can grow.
> 
> I say go for it! Worse thing have happened right? Now get in there and make it count!


I second this, and not just because I fear AP's wrath. Sex is free, fun and really does connect men. We are kind of stupid though....it might cloud your H's judgement. But I think sex in marriage should be without strings or requirements, just another way to connect. Oh, and did I mention its fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Adeline said:


> no, his sex drive is rather low. Or maybe average, I don't know. In the beginning of the relationship several years ago our drives were similar, mine was even a bit higher. We were a long distance relationship for a time and every time we were together we would mess around every single night. I remember one visit he didn't initiate like he always had and so I did and asked him if he wanted to and he said he was a bit sore and tired. I remember feeling so worried that something was wrong, kind of funny looking back! But as we were together longer and then got married and lived together things mellowed out. He has always worked long, hard hours and falls asleep rather early. He would sometimes initiate but it lessened, so I would take the liberty to "make sure" we had sex once a week or so. He didn't seem to need it more than that. I definitely initiated 90% of the time. He has always accepted when I would come onto him, never rejected me except for that one time very early on in the relationship.
> 
> Like I said, this continued fairly regularly even into the beginning stages of this mess. It didn't seem to make a lick of difference. I'm no longer on birth control, and even at one point when things had been neutral for a few days I went out and bought condoms, fully prepared to sleep with him. Well, those condoms have been sitting in my drawer unused for several months now. Money can't buy happiness seems to cheesily apply here.


Has he ever had his testosterone checked? Low T can lead to a lot of what you describe here.

Are you sure there's not another woman? Sudden changes in behavior are often a red flag. Sometimes WS's will become more aggressive and irritable with their BS, both in an effort to create distance so the affair is harder to detect and to rationalize their own cheating because of their bad marriage (which they've just created by suddenly turning into an ass).


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Rowan- you mean low T causes the low sex drive, or do you mean it also can cause the other things I've described like irritability etc? sex drive has gone down on both parts since marriage started failing so I'm not sure that's the cause.

I had thought about making a thread about a possible affair... but is it strange that that isn't really on my radar? I don't really suspect another woman, but sometimes wonder if I should. He does travel a lot for work, but when he is home is home like all the time. He spends his free time tending to his yard and vehicles and watching tv. He could be ignoring me for weeks but i'll know he's upstairs or outside. I don't feel like I see any signs, but maybe I'm blind?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Adeline said:


> Rowan- you mean low T causes the low sex drive, or do you mean it also can cause the other things I've described like irritability etc? sex drive has gone down on both parts since marriage started failing so I'm not sure that's the cause.
> 
> I had thought about making a thread about a possible affair... but is it strange that that isn't really on my radar? I don't really suspect another woman, but sometimes wonder if I should. He does travel a lot for work, but when he is home is home like all the time. He spends his free time tending to his yard and vehicles and watching tv. He could be ignoring me for weeks but i'll know he's upstairs or outside. I don't feel like I see any signs, but maybe I'm blind?


Yes, low T can cause irritability, moodiness, and general lethargy, in addition to low sex drive. If he's never been HD, it may be that his T has always been somewhat low but that it started to drop even further 18 months ago. 

But as for what you're not seeing: travels a lot for work, ignoring you for weeks when he's home, he doesn't want to have sex with you, he suddenly became emotionally abusive 18 months ago, and you two don't seem to spend a lot of enjoyable time together doing fun things or sharing hobbies. I'm not saying he _is_ cheating on you. I am, however, advising you to be aware that it's _one possible explanation_ for what you describe.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Adeline said:


> What would happen if I did that? Or even just ran up to him and kissed him out of no where? Would it have any change beyond that one night of passion? Who knows. Probably not. Sometimes I think if he approached me I would oblige as well... though I doubt that would ever happen. Do you think if we just f***** everyday that could save our marriage? :rofl: Anyone else ever entertain thoughts like that when going through serious marriage issues? It's so strange that this even crosses my mind because things are so terrible between us right now/lately and I at times borderline hate him. Am I screwed up for thinking this?!


In the case of my marriage, if my wife had done these things it would have definitely saved my marriage. For the greater part of my 6.5 year marriage, I fulfilled all my wife's needs and almost never told her "no." I thought that's what you do in a marriage, you give and take. Apparently, I was wrong. The only thing I really ever wanted from her was affection and intimacy (sexual, emotional, and intellectual). Each time I brought it up, she promised she would change. I didn't bring it up to often because I didn't want her to fire back at me with "sex is all you care about." I gave her so many chances and I was always met with promises that were broken. Whenever I'd initiate or bring it up, she had one of three responses: "not tonight," "tomorrow," or "are you kidding me?!?" The last one always stung so bad! In September I finally moved out of the bedroom when she was at work. She obviously wasn't pleased but there's really nothing she could do - I no longer trust her words. It's so sad because the only thing I ever wanted from her was to feel wanted and loved. She's still the one I love, but eventually I realized I had to cut my losses and that I need to be happy instead of always sad. I'm sad about my impending divorce, but I look forward to the day that maybe I can find someone who'll put in as much effort as I did. It's sad but before I married her, one of her friends told me that she's a "taker" and doesn't really know how to give. I didn't believe her because there was some bitter blood, but I guess this person was right. Oh well, kind of long-winded, but to answer your question. In the case of my marriage, it absolutely would have gone a long way towards fixing it.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Rowan said:


> But as for what you're not seeing: travels a lot for work, ignoring you for weeks when he's home, he doesn't want to have sex with you, he suddenly became emotionally abusive 18 months ago, and you two don't seem to spend a lot of enjoyable time together doing fun things or sharing hobbies. I'm not saying he _is_ cheating on you. I am, however, advising you to be aware that it's _one possible explanation_ for what you describe.


hmmm, I mean I've always known it's a possibility, I've never thought "no, he couldn't possibility do that." I guess I've never had something happen that made me suspicious enough. I kind of want to breach that, but don't want to go all out at this point. But how could I even start to search for things that would maybe point to any cheating? I mean, there's phone records, but how would I know which phone numbers would be concerning? He texts and calls his family, friends, co workers. Lots of contact with one number wouldn't necessarily be a red flag. I mean his change in demeanor could be a sign, but other than that I got nothing. Oh, also his email always automatically comes up as the homepage so I've seen his inbox every time I get on the internet as well. It would make a ton of sense if that were the case, I just don't know how I'd begin exploring that. Otherwise it's got to be some sort of mental issue that he's grappling with.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If your gut isn't whispering affair than it probably isn't. But something did happen a year and half ago.

For sure. If it corresponds to his new job or a promotion Im betting he's sparing you the details but his stress is manifesting itself in an emotionally abusive way. You're an easy target because you are there. Its not your fault.

Maybe something else but clearly you dont know about it. He needs to find a way to open up. Maybe therapy will work but I doubt it. He needs to want to let you in.

This is the other side of the story we seldom see. We typically read heartbreaking stories about wives who just walk away. They seemingly out of nowhere just up and leave and have zero love left for their husbands.

If your husband wants a walk away wife he's doing an awesome job at creating one.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If your gut isn't whispering affair than it probably isn't. But something did happen a year and half ago.

For sure. If it corresponds to his new job or a promotion Im betting he's sparing you the details but his stress is manifesting itself in an emotionally abusive way. You're an easy target because you are there. Its not your fault.

Maybe something else but clearly you dont know about it. He needs to find a way to open up. Maybe therapy will work but I doubt it. He needs to want to let you in.

This is the other side of the story we seldom see. We typically read heartbreaking stories about wives who just walk away. They seemingly out of nowhere just up and leave and have zero love left for their husbands.

If your husband wants a walk away wife he's doing an awesome job at creating one.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

sinnister said:


> If your gut isn't whispering affair than it probably isn't. But *something did happen a year and half ago.
> 
> For sure. If it corresponds to his new job or a promotion Im betting he's sparing you the details but his stress is manifesting itself in an emotionally abusive way.* You're an easy target because you are there. Its not your fault.
> 
> ...



Perfectly said. Something did happen 1.5 years ago you aren't telling us or he did, affair.....something.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Perfectly said. Something did happen 1.5 years ago you aren't telling us or he did, affair.....something.


What? no... I'm not withholding anything, other than every single detail of every single fight we've had. We moved, he got a better job, I went back to school and finished my degree, that is all that has happened. It didn't just change into this all in one day, it started out with fights becoming more frequent but still lots of good days, to him seemingly not enjoying anything and us not being able to get along. That is it. If it were one event then it would make more sense. We all have rough patches in our relationships and I honestly thought that that was what it was for a few months. But over a year later? That's more than a rough patch. Yet I'm still waiting.

Sinnister- if it were an affair, combined with how he treats me, I probably would have been long gone by now. I guess since he was one way for like 5 or 6 years and is now this way makes me wait around for the guy I knew before. I loved that guy A LOT. I don't love this guy. It's hard for me to leave when I know that I will lose that guy from before forever.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm thinking it looks like an affair too. It might not be, but I think you need to investigate as best you can. Can you read through his old emails?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

In response to the first question, I posted something sort of similar a while back. Despite our issues, I can usually cuddle up next to him and start something. But that started to feel "wrong" somehow, given the issues we are having and knowing some of what is going through his head. 

I recently had an "aha moment" of sorts about that subject, and we haven't been intimate since. I'm sure if I initiated something, it would be well-received, but I guess I'm kind of tired of having that all be on me. He knows where I sleep, too, you know?

So, basically, I would say having sex can add a closeness that might add to your talks. But I think that's going to vary a lot case by case.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Sex can't fix paying the mortgage,cars,ins,tuition,cable,utilites,Dr/ med and so on

But it sure helps manage the stress which makes life easier.

Fix your emotional bonds and the rest will follow

55


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## Kuryos (May 22, 2010)

If you want other perspectives on your predicament, you might want to share your story or thoughts at:

I Live In a Sexless Marriage | Group with Personal Stories, Forums and Chat

or maybe just read what other say.

Some 43,000 people have signed up to it, although there is only a fraction of that number actually participating at any one time.

I am not associated with the web site in any way.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I didn't read all four pages, but this seems to be a fairly straightforward proposition.

It seems most would agree that sex is a necessary but not sufficient component in marriage; it isn't the only thing but a marriage generally won't survive (at least not happily) without it.

So, it would follow that sex will not fix everything, but the marriage will continue to suffer until the sexual component is restored (and to a level that the HD partner can be happy with). This is exactly why I don't like the approach that sex will come after all the other issues are resolved rather than the sex should be considered an issue to be resolved concurrently with all the others).


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