# Separation: Dealing with strong emotions



## thegoodtimes (Jan 4, 2015)

I'm in the midst of a convoluted separation (is there any other kind?). My wife asked for a separation after a very rough period in our relationship, and I agreed. We still live together, though in separate rooms, while we try to figure out what our next step is, and she frankly spends most nights elsewhere at this point - we don't see each other very much. We have not gotten to the point of telling family members about our situation, though some close friends do know, and we have not started any divorce proceedings.

That's the background, and brings me to where I could use some insight/advice. I have never been, will never be, the cheating type, and so while I found certain people attractive (as all humans do), I never acted in any way or allowed any kind of feelings to develop. However, now that we have been separated a few months and I feel that my wife has pushed me out of much of her life, that part of myself that feels things for others has come back to life. It wasn't intentional, but has just happened. And I've now found myself being overwhelmed with a lot of emotions - feelings towards other people, and then those feelings leading to immense guilt, since there is not yet a divorce and part of me feels I should be trying to salvage what could be left of my marriage rather than looking for love in others.

Has anyone here dealt with this? Are these feelings towards others simply my mind's way of trying to mask the pain of my separation? Perhaps this isn't something anyone can answer - I just wanted to put it out there. I know what would likely be best for me would be a time of healing without any emotional attachments, but I'm having trouble being rational about my emotions right now. Thanks for any thoughts!!


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## Scotty0310 (Apr 1, 2014)

TGTs, it sounds like you are living my world right now. I am going through pretty much that EXACT same situation. Wife asked for a sep last Jan and for year I've wrestled with my emotions on what and how I should approach the problems. She sleeps in the room adjacent to me and every night, when I hear her open her door, I pray that its to come into my room, crawl into bed and be with me again. 

As for looking for other people I am kind of there too, I've even joined a couple dating sites just to test the waters so to speak. My wife who wanted this, has dated since our sep, she has said it is to see of she can still have the emotions needed to try and reconcile. I dont understand how one can do this when you have someone whom loves you sitting right next to you at the dinner table. I on the other hand have had ZERO luck meeting anyone, and I'm kinda glad. I feel bad for even making an attempt since we arent divorced, and I've asked her out of respect to me to not see anyone until something final happens. 

I know this probably isnt the answer you were looking for, but at least maybe feel better youre not the only one, and you have a friend in the exact same situation as you do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Goodtimes: Could you enlighten us just a tad about your marital background, i.e. ages, years married/together, jobs, kids, hobbies, et. al.

It would give me a better idea of what you may exactly be going through. Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here, but you've definitely come to the right place for probable answers as well as help!*


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## thegoodtimes (Jan 4, 2015)

Thank you both of your responses. Here's a bit more background... we're both in our early 30s, been together almost 10 years, married almost 4, no kids, both work in the creative fields. We always had an "intense" relationship - we are both pretty stubborn and focused people - and that was good for a long time, but once we stopped being able to resolve differences it became a real problem.

I will say, being blunt, that I'm torn on whether I do want to fix our marriage. Things became so incredibly negative in the past year leading up to our separation - no violence at all, but definitely things have bordered on emotional abuse. We only live once and I'm not sure it's fair to either of us to potentially set ourselves up for a lifetime of stress and sadness, and I'm also not sure it would be healthy to bring a child into this relationship.

On the flip side, compounding this is that I love her family and get along with them. We also both come from very "healthy" family backgrounds where divorce was never even floated as an option for anyone, and so I feel a lot of guilt about that. And now, on top of that, I find myself for some reason developing strong romantic feelings towards someone else, and it's really creating an emotionally difficult situation, because I feel the need to express these feelings, but also realize it could greatly complicate my situation, or that the feelings themselves are a subconscious attempt to force myself to move on?

I truly don't know, I'm just mixed up emotionally, and I'm guessing that's very normal in this stage of separation. So, I guess I'm asking how people have dealt with the strong emotions in general, especially if they've found themselves in this particular situation.

And to Scotty0310, it sounds like our situations are a little different in certain respects but very similar in others - I really appreciate you sharing. Even though divorce and separation are common, it's still such a taboo subject that it can feel incredibly lonely - just knowing others are dealing with it too helps a lot. So thank you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Under normal circumstances, I'd greatly suspect if that you both wanted to make this relationship work, that you would totally commit to MC(marriage counselling). 

I can't exactly see that happening!

Just asking a blunt question, in trying to rule some things out: Have you had any personal suspicion of infidelity on your W's part?*


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

TGT your young your wife wants to "figure it out"

You have no children

You are feeling badly about thinking about seeing other women

Do the math young man

55


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## thegoodtimes (Jan 4, 2015)

To arbitrator, we have discussed counseling, and may try that path. I honestly almost assume infidelity, and we've talked around it, but she hasn't discussed it too directly. She rarely spends the night at home and claims she's just staying with friends. Obviously that's highly suspicious.

To just got it 55, I hear you, and I appreciate your directness here. My gut tells me this is over and that if there were hope we'd both be fighting for it, but we've both checked out the process at some level. However, I'm still struggling emotionally with it, barely eating, dealing with tons of anxiety and panic attacks on a fairly regular basis (I'm good at controlling them, but that doesn't make them any more fun). So essentially, things seem headed very much toward divorce, but knowing that and even being alright with it on a conceptual level isn't helping me with my emotional struggle.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

GoodTimes, not knowing how long you've been separated, or the whole history, I can only guess that you're still F'ed up by what's happened. You're going to be going through all kinds of emotions, not all of them will make sense. yet. 

Until you get a better sense of what's going on, and what you actually want, keep a rein on your (probably misplaced) 'need' to get some strange. It will do you no good, and will kill any chance of fixing your marriage.

It's not unusual, to think that banging someone else 'heal' you. But as you'll learn, yourself, and from reading TAM threads, it won't solve anything. Several have tried, most have failed.


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## thegoodtimes (Jan 4, 2015)

I appreciate it DayOne. We've been separated about 3 months, but after a fairly difficult year and a nearly nightmarish 6 months... ie. it's not like things just went off the rails, it was building.

I should note too that I'm really not the kind to want to just bang. I've made my life in the arts and I have the personality that suits it - I wish I just wanted to bang someone, haha, but unfortunately I tend to feel things more romantically than that, which is much more difficult to deal with emotionally. However, just seeing these responses and writing about this openly, it seems pretty clear that my emotions are very likely misplaced. Thanks again to all of you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Then I'd greatly suspect that with her already staying in other quarters at night, and not caring about you as her H, that she's likely been busy keeping someone else company!

You could crack her cell phone and email for incriminating evidence, but at this juncture, it wouldn't do you just a whole lot of good or provide anything that you don't already suspect.

Do "the 180" immediately! Please purchase two books: (1) The Married Man's Sex Life, and (2) No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read them extensively before you allow yourself to even entertain any thought of R(reconciliation).

It also might be an excellent idea to get IC(individual counseling) and also talking to a lawyer to prepare to protect yourself during a potential divorce process! I'd also have the locks changed out on your doors!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> ... she frankly spends most nights elsewhere at this point.


However, she has not told you with whom or how they while the away the nights. You are separated – presumably so that she can pursue sexual relationships without cheating – but not divorced, so you are hanging on in uncertainty. 

Her reluctance to file for divorce suggests that you are still meeting some emotional needs she has. Most of her happiness is coming from her sexual connections with others. But you are retained in reserve. The longer you tolerate this disrespect, the further your sex ranking sinks.

If you also sleep elsewhere, will it raise your sex ranking? Perhaps your wife will merely be relieved that she can divorce you with even less guilt. At this point you have little to lose by having a girlfriend.

Your wife may not want her family to know she is screwing other men. What sort of relationship does she have with her parents and siblings? How has infidelity affected her childhood?


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## Johnconrad (Dec 23, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> TGT your young your wife wants to "figure it out"
> 
> You have no children
> 
> ...


"Figuring it out" means, I want space to explore my new and exciting relationship with posOM.

But, I want you in reserve in case it doesn't work out.


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## Johnconrad (Dec 23, 2014)

Scotty0310 said:


> TGTs, it sounds like you are living my world right now. I am going through pretty much that EXACT same situation. Wife asked for a sep last Jan and for year I've wrestled with my emotions on what and how I should approach the problems. She sleeps in the room adjacent to me and every night, when I hear her open her door, I pray that its to come into my room, crawl into bed and be with me again.
> 
> As for looking for other people I am kind of there too, I've even joined a couple dating sites just to test the waters so to speak. My wife who wanted this, has dated since our sep, she has said it is to see of she can still have the emotions needed to try and reconcile. I dont understand how one can do this when you have someone whom loves you sitting right next to you at the dinner table. I on the other hand have had ZERO luck meeting anyone, and I'm kinda glad. I feel bad for even making an attempt since we arent divorced, and I've asked her out of respect to me to not see anyone until something final happens.
> 
> I know this probably isnt the answer you were looking for, but at least maybe feel better youre not the only one, and you have a friend in the exact same situation as you do.


scotty,

See the above post.

She wants a "Plan B"


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## thegoodtimes (Jan 4, 2015)

I think you both, LongWalk and Johnconrad, make valid points. My gut is that she's not ready to pull the trigger on a divorce because it's just a very final thing to do, and again, we both come from traditional families where divorce "just isn't done." So we both have more reserve about ending things than we might otherwise. But it does seem that she's likely with someone else a lot of the time, though I haven't dug too hard to find out for sure. I could go through her phone, but frankly I don't want to.

In answer to your questions:
What sort of relationship does she have with her parents and siblings? - she's very close with her siblings and has a contentious but loving relationships with her parents - they're a great family, and I genuinely love them as well, which makes this harder.

How has infidelity affected her childhood? - No mention of it ever, her parents have always been together.


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## Johnconrad (Dec 23, 2014)

thegoodtimes said:


> I think you both, LongWalk and Johnconrad, make valid points. My gut is that she's not ready to pull the trigger on a divorce because it's just a very final thing to do, and again, we both come from traditional families where divorce "just isn't done." So we both have more reserve about ending things than we might otherwise. But it does seem that she's likely with someone else a lot of the time, though I haven't dug too hard to find out for sure. I could go through her phone, but frankly I don't want to.
> 
> In answer to your questions:
> What sort of relationship does she have with her parents and siblings? - she's very close with her siblings and has a contentious but loving relationships with her parents - they're a great family, and I genuinely love them as well, which makes this harder.
> ...


Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

Expect nothing from her family - no matter how much you believe they like you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What financial obstacles are there to divorce?

Do you own your home together?

Filing for divorce first is a good way to clean up. If you wait for her to file, you risk suffering a double blow by waiting passively with your eyes closed, knowing that her finger is on the disposal button. She is disposing of you at her own pace. At her convenience. Better to take control.

Filing for divorce may provoke an attempt at reconciliation. The chance is small but it is greater than if you sit in the plan B storage box.

Going through the phone records may reveal who is bedding her. That will also be a shock. Perhaps it will motivate you to act. Regarding her family, you might consider how much better it will be to know who OM is and to be the one to file for divorce. Let her then call her parents and then them. They may contact you. You will be able to say:

"I had to file for divorce because WW was sleeping with OM while we were pretending to be married. I had to end it. It was her choice. You were good in-laws. I'll think well of you. Goodbye."

If they insist on asking how you are, you can reply: "I am fine. Don't worry about me."

Making a strong exit is good for your self respect.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

GT,

File for a speedy divorce and avoid wasting any more of your 30s on this futile relationship you once called "marriage". It is no more.

I've been in your shoes and am on the other side now. Can't say it was easy, but can only name one regret: I waited too long.

Don't be a stubborn procrastinator when it comes to divorce. You will regret it later as better women enter your life and you wonder how much better your life could've been if you hadn't willingly subjected yourself to emotional abuse by your ex. 

Gain a healthy level of anger and disregard towards your wife and divorce her. It's your only option in the long run anyway. Make it happen so you can move on and have more options.

Good luck.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

VAR in the Car...

Start doing the 180.
Its your best chance to knock her back into reality.
The 180 is for you.
The VAR is so you can get a reality check.

If you have a good friend, have him listen to it. Sometimes the shock is a bit much.

Sorry you are here. 
There are good people who will help you here.


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