# Rant.. Sorry but I have to say it to someone



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Yesterday I get up and after my jog go to the store to get you what you have been wanting.. actually several things. I was not prompted or ask I was just thinking of you. Finish the grocery shopping while I am there so you don't have to. Got home and you wanted to invite your mother and boyfriend over for our cookout. So I go back to the store to get more food. Come home and make home made ice cream and grill for almost an hour. Made vegetables, corn, bratwurst, steaks, chicken, etc. All I asked you to do was to mixed up the salad ingredients which took 5 minutes. You did help clean up a little but after dinner you ask me to make you some brownies, I do. 
I ask for a handjob in bed and you decline. I don't get it.... selfish.
I did not do all these things to get something in return but when I do things ask or not asked that I know pleases my mate and there is no return.. especially when asked.:scratchhead:
So I lost 10 pounds last week... on my way to another 50 or so to go. When I get there the 180 will partially be completed and I will be on my way to finding someone else.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sounds like you are being taken for granted.

And since when do you have to ASK for a handjob? Isn't that sort of thing freely offered? It ought to be. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world.)


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Sounds like you are being taken for granted.
> 
> And since when do you have to ASK for a handjob? Isn't that sort of thing freely offered? It ought to be. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world.)


Yeah I wish I was in your dream world.. my reality is if I don't ask I would never receive. Actually she would never touch me. It's funny and my wife insists she loves me so much but will never do the things I ask her to do.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I'd be happy to explain to your wife what that does to a marriage over time, but I doubt she'd listen  My H's first wife was that way, and it truly damaged him -- on the other hand, he sure is happy now, and it just kills her. She still doesn't get it.

Sorry for your situation.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Stop doing thoughtful things for her. You are telling her with your actions that her needs are more important than your needs.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Sounds like you are being taken for granted.
> 
> And since when do you have to ASK for a handjob? Isn't that sort of thing freely offered? It ought to be. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world.)


No, you don't live in a dream world.

My husband does not need to ask for sexual favors. His wife enjoys lovemaking so much that she gives them freely.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> Stop doing thoughtful things for her. You are telling her with your actions that her needs are more important than your needs.


True... very true. I just have a difficult time telling someone I love "no"! But she has no problem telling me "no" so I guess she will get alot of "NO" coming her way! Thanks


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> True... very true. I just have a difficult time telling someone I love "no"! But she has no problem telling me "no" so I guess she will get alot of "NO" coming her way! Thanks


I was in same boat, i changed myself and stopped trying to change her. If you have not read "No more mr nice guy" get it now. Don't tell her you are reading that book. 

Do things for yourself that you like. Don't stop doing things for her altogether but not everything she wants you to do.

It will be a shock to her but keep it up, and for the next 2 weeks do NOT ask for handjobs or sex...please try it.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, I'd be happy to explain to your wife what that does to a marriage over time, but I doubt she'd listen  My H's first wife was that way, and it truly damaged him -- on the other hand, he sure is happy now, and it just kills her. She still doesn't get it.
> 
> Sorry for your situation.





jerry123 said:


> I was in same boat, i changed myself and stopped trying to change her. If you have not read "No more mr nice guy" get it now. Don't tell her you are reading that book.
> 
> Do things for yourself that you like. Don't stop doing things for her altogether but not everything she wants you to do.
> 
> It will be a shock to her but keep it up, and for the next 2 weeks do NOT ask for handjobs or sex...please try it.


Some people won't get the message no matter what. The idea is simply alien to them. To many of them, the idea that someone isn't asking for sex is probably a relief!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Some people won't get the message no matter what. The idea is simply alien to them. To many of them, the idea that someone isn't asking for sex is probably a relief!


While true, some people do get the message. So try to change the dynamic. Stop doing things for her and see what happens.

In the example above, when she wanted her mom over at the last minute, have her get the stuff. You did your stuff around the house, so if she wants it, she needs to make it happen.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> True... very true. I just have a difficult time telling someone I love "no"! But she has no problem telling me "no" so I guess she will get alot of "NO" coming her way! Thanks


It comes easier the more you say it. I'd say though as always: pick your battles. Say no when it you need to protect yourself and setup reasonable boundaries... continue to say yes when you realize that saying no would only be obstinate and start needless trouble.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Discouraged.. had similar situation several years ago.

I was on hormonal birth control pills and it made me depressd and my libido non-existant.

I did the same things to my hisband and couldn't "see" how much it hurt him.

Within two weeks of stopping BC pills, was back to normal and things are fantastic (we used condoms until he got a vasectomy)

Please encourage her to try alternate BC if she is using hormones, also encourage her to see doctor for hormonal isses, thyroid, or depression before it is too late and you already are gone. I am thankful everyday my husband stuck it out (so is he..LOL)

I really did not realize or see how much it hurt him until I was off of them and still struggle with the regret that it got as bad as it did for 2-3 years. I was in a fog that made me not care about going out, my appearance, or sex. I actually had to see a counselor to deal with MY guilt.

Things are perfect now and we are active 4-5x per week. It has been almost 3 years now of great sex/love making.
Good Luck


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

People like you can say you do things without wanting something back, but I don't believe it. I'm not a fan of the Mr.Nice guy crap either.

Maybe I'm a rare breed or a pushover or all of the above, but my happiness is directly derived from my loved ones always has been and I bet always will be.

If you didn't do those things wanting a response you would have added that in your post. You clearly do "do things" in hopes of getting something in return. 

Have you sat down and talked to your wife about sex? I don't mean 1 minute talk I mean grab a chair here is a glass of wine let's really talk about wants, needs, and sex?

Communication is key all of the mind games people play are just that mind games. Man-up, withhold affections, go out with the boys, neglect, etc etc.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ideally, both partners would do nice things for each other without expecting a return. This assumes both partners are basically decent human beings, capable of feeling empathy. You can't shop enough or bake enough brownies to turn a zombie into a human being. There is a certain element of power on both sides of any marriage but power can't be trusted to people with weak characters. They'll always use it for exploitation. I also don't buy the bit about birth control making otherwise intelligent human beings not realize their partner's needs. Your partner approaches you for affection. That's the way you "realize" there's a need, regardless of what your homones allow you to feel or not. If your infant was screaming and crying would it not dawn on you to feed the kid unless you happened to feel hungry, too?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Stop saying "I love you". Seriously. Stop saying it. And stop running around like her servant hoping for a handjob. 

When she asks about the i love you thing tell her "saying" I love you, is not a replacement for effort and commitment.

Difference between wives who appreciate and who don't:
This mornIng my w woke me up and said: keep lying on your back and imagine you are having a dream. 
Me: what's happening in my dream?
Wife: well she said "as her hands slipped inside my boxers"
Me: ummm I like this dream (10 minutes elapse) what happens next I ask
Wife: well at this point it becomes difficult for me to narrate while I make the next part of your dream happen
Me: oh - ok - perhaps I can take over the soundtrack from here forward







discouraged1 said:


> Yeah I wish I was in your dream world.. my reality is if I don't ask I would never receive. Actually she would never touch me. It's funny and my wife insists she loves me so much but will never do the things I ask her to do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Sounds like you are being taken for granted.
> 
> And since when do you have to ASK for a handjob? Isn't that sort of thing freely offered? It ought to be. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world.)


Hey lamaga...you live in a dreamworld


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Sounds like you are being taken for granted.
> 
> And since when do you have to ASK for a handjob? Isn't that sort of thing freely offered? It ought to be. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world.)


Not to get off-track, but how is your partner going to know you want something if you never ask?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

what ever reason she gave, give it back when she ask's any favor...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Asking for a hand job is a very bad idea, makes you seem like a child waiting for permission. It's not very masculine.

It is however very sexy when a man takes responsibility for things all on his own, you needed groceries and got them like any adult should, however the balance isn't right and our wife doesn't seem t be doing her fair share. 

You need to take charge more you have allowed yourself to be a door mat which is very unsexy.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> People like you can say you do things without wanting something back, but I don't believe it. I'm not a fan of the Mr.Nice guy crap either.
> 
> Maybe I'm a rare breed or a pushover or all of the above, but my happiness is directly derived from my loved ones always has been and I bet always will be.
> 
> ...


Yeah - I WANT you to be a nice guy, so am thumbs down on anything that tries to beat that out of you. The truth is that you cannot give and give and give in a relationship and it be okay that you get nothing back. i.e. Even if it you aren't _keeping_ score, you still need need to _score_, or what's the point, really? 

As much as a come-to-Jesus meeting would be great and I would love for you to be able to do that too, it's really hard with someone who's just gonna get defensive and act like they have no idea what you're talking about.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Asking for a hand job is a very bad idea, makes you seem like a child waiting for permission. It's not very masculine.


I don't really agree. Let's say that for whatever reason, you don't think to give your hubby a hummer during sex. He wants one, but it's unmasculine to ask. How does he communicate his desires without asking? There seem to be only two options: Demanding one, and semaphore. Demanding is just another word for whining. And I don't know about you, but I lost most of my flags after I left the Boy Scouts. Asking for a hummer seems a lot more reasonable than not asking for one and getting pissed about it afterwards.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I would do none of the errands or chores for her, because intimacy isn't comparable to a damn chore or errand. I used to ask for handjobs but realized it cheapened my needs and it was the laziest thing she could do to get me off. In fact, at this point in my relationship I'd be upset if she even offered me a handjob, because she knows HJs are for 16 year olds, and unless she wants me to finger her and give her 20 hickies she needs to woman up and take care of my intimacy needs. 

This is because she is dealing with a man, and if I do anything chore like, it's because this is how we work together. It has nothing to do with what I will NEED later. Intimacy comes first, otherwise she can find a beta boy to be her husband, I'll find a real woman to be my wife. 

I can be the biggest pushover, but not when it comes to intimacy.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I don't really agree. Let's say that for whatever reason, you don't think to give your hubby a hummer during sex. He wants one, but it's unmasculine to ask. How does he communicate his desires without asking? There seem to be only two options: Demanding one, and semaphore. Demanding is just another word for whining. And I don't know about you, but I lost most of my flags after I left the Boy Scouts. Asking for a hummer seems a lot more reasonable than not asking for one and getting pissed about it afterwards.


I assumed he meant the idea of a handjob. I can't give myself oral or have sex with myself, but we don't need a partner to jack off. Asking for sex or a bj isn't unmasculine, but asking for a hj seems to be borderline desperation. It's something even highschool kids would only consider third base. If she turns down that super lazy request, I'd be enraged and disgusted.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rage might work for you, but generally it is a motivational non starter for a badly behaved partner. It really means: I am furious you don't love and/or respect me more.

Good luck with that.




Aristotle said:


> I assumed he meant the idea of a handjob. I can't give myself oral or have sex with myself, but we don't need a partner to jack off. Asking for sex or a bj isn't unmasculine, but asking for a hj seems to be borderline desperation. It's something even highschool kids would only consider third base. If she turns down that super lazy request, I'd be enraged and disgusted.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

It really perked me up to read MEM11363's post about his wife asking him to shut his eyes and dream as her hands slipped inside his boxers....... Because there are so many posts on TAM from men (and women, though fewer) who are married to people who have no interest in sex or their partners sexual needs.

Having to ask your wife for a HJ IS very sad....but if you dont ask you dont get.
The sad thing is that you shouldn't have to ask....just as the wife shouldnt have to tell you to back off when she is at the worst time of the 'month' - you should know! Likewise she shouldnt have to drop hints about you not buying her flowers or her having to ask you to help round the house etc.

Our wives should know that we need sex to be able to truly connect with them....if they truly love us they should WANT to do things for us/to us that we like.

I have to make an effort to buy flowers (I'm a man! Doesnt come naturally!!)....my wife should make an effort to do things that *I* like...she doesn't.

IMHO (in general) men/husbands are far more understanding of their wifes needs than their wives are of theirs.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

> Rage might work for you, but generally it is a motivational non starter for a badly behaved partner. It really means: I am furious you don't love and/or respect me more.
> 
> Good luck with that.


Well, there are different levels of anger and I wouldn't turn green and hulk smash the room. I'd stay controlled and channel that energy to openly discuss the issues I am having. There is nothing wrong with being upset, frustrated and yes, even "furious" as long as you channel that energy and keep it positive. If things didn't upset me, I'd be a door mat. I'm a nice guy but nice guys get angry too.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Stop saying "I love you". Seriously. Stop saying it. And stop running around like her servant hoping for a handjob.
> 
> When she asks about the i love you thing tell her "saying" I love you, is not a replacement for effort and commitment.
> 
> ...


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

reset button said:


> Discouraged.. had similar situation several years ago.
> 
> I was on hormonal birth control pills and it made me depressd and my libido non-existant.
> 
> ...


Reset, Thanks for the input and I have heard of this happening. However, in this case she has been on and off BC and nothing changes. I have had vasectomy for the last 6-7 years.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Asking for a hand job is a very bad idea, makes you seem like a child waiting for permission. It's not very masculine.
> 
> It is however very sexy when a man takes responsibility for things all on his own, you needed groceries and got them like any adult should, however the balance isn't right and our wife doesn't seem t be doing her fair share.
> 
> You need to take charge more you have allowed yourself to be a door mat which is very unsexy.


Well if I don't ask I will never get.. catch 22 now. She gets the not so nice side of me sometimes. I assure you I am no doormat.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

7737 said:


> It really perked me up to read MEM11363's post about his wife asking him to shut his eyes and dream as her hands slipped inside his boxers....... Because there are so many posts on TAM from men (and women, though fewer) who are married to people who have no interest in sex or their partners sexual needs.
> 
> Having to ask your wife for a HJ IS very sad....but if you dont ask you dont get.
> The sad thing is that you shouldn't have to ask....just as the wife shouldnt have to tell you to back off when she is at the worst time of the 'month' - you should know! Likewise she shouldnt have to drop hints about you not buying her flowers or her having to ask you to help round the house etc.
> ...


So I went and got her matching candles she had been wanting and believe it or not some panties she had really wanted. Still no touch.
I do buy her stuff all the time....... flowers on special days and many on just ordinary days. She has a collection of Coach purses I have funded many, many, times.
She is just selfish and lazy.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

discouraged1 said:


> So I went and got her matching candles she had been wanting and believe it or not some panties she had really wanted. Still no touch.
> I do buy her stuff all the time....... flowers on special days and many on just ordinary days. She has a collection of Coach purses I have funded many, many, times.
> She is just selfish and lazy.


So why do you keep doing these things for you? Perhaps she does not actually appreciate them?

Find the His Needs Her Needs Questionaires and have both of you complete them. Figure out what she actually needs from you, not what you think she needs. It is not about working harder, it is about working smarter.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> So I went and got her matching candles she had been wanting and believe it or not some panties she had really wanted. Still no touch.
> I do buy her stuff all the time....... flowers on special days and many on just ordinary days. She has a collection of Coach purses I have funded many, many, times.
> She is just selfish and lazy.


Sorry, I've just skimmed over much of this thread (so if this has already been asked/gone over please ignore). Just curious if you've taken the 5 love languages test and more importantly if she has. She may not care about gifts. For me gifts rank a big fat 0 on the 5 love languages test.

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

7737 said:


> Having to ask your wife for a HJ IS very sad....but if you dont ask you don't get.
> 
> The sad thing is that you shouldn't have to ask....just as the wife shouldnt have to tell you to back off when she is at the worst time of the 'month' - you should know! Likewise she shouldnt have to drop hints about you not buying her flowers or her having to ask you to help round the house etc.
> 
> Our wives should know that we need sex to be able to truly connect with them....if they truly love us they should WANT to do things for us/to us that we like.


I agree with what you said about not getting what we don't ask for, but I don't agree that you're supposed to just guess what you're partner is looking for, or that they are supposed to know what you want. That leads to suppositions. Suppositions lead to misunderstanding. Misunderstanding leads to hurt feelings. Hurt feelings lead to anger...

And anger, as we all know, leads to the Dark Side.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I don't know you from a hole in the ground. 

While i do think that there are men women who have lost interest in sex or don't feel like making the effort this is sad. In some instances (it has been in past relationships with mine) that the lack of sex is the result of some built up resentment. Again this may not be the case. To diagnose the problem we have to have all the info and rule out the most common problem lest we simply conclude your wife is just a flaming bit#$ which is unfair and possibly incorrect and giving you wrong advice. 

Keep in mind that you are judged by your spouse sometimes not on the 100 things you do right but, on the 1, 2 or 3 things that can be really aggrivating. This is true of me and my wife I can do all these thoughtful things but, if I am falling down in 1 area that can be the dealbreaker. 

In fairness i have not read this whole thread or any of your other posts (who has time for that) 

You mention weight that you are 50 lbs overweight. I could lose 15 or arguably 20 so i am no example of prime male beefcake by any stretch but, I think my wife would cut my a## off from any sex if i were 30 lbs overweight. The reverse is true. My wife could go to the store 3 times a day and if the let herself go I am not sure how i may react. Sorry if this hurts. It is concievable i am wrong and you could lose 50 and still get nothing. 

Good luck with everything.


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