# How to Word Email to STBXH



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

I think I have finally gotten to a place where I accept that it is over between us. All I have to do now is sign the final divorce papers, stand before a judge and it's done. 

Before this happens, I want to cleanse my space of everything that has to do with him. When he was in need, I allowed him to stay in my new apartment April and May of this year. Before moving back in with the OW, he stored some boxes and things in my spare room and I want them gone. I even still get his mail, not they he has cared to pick it up (he's always been irresponsible about bills and things until it becomes urgent and unavoidable). 

It's strange after fifteen years, but I don't know exactly how to word the email to tell him to come and get his things and change his mailing address. I suppose simple is best, but I feel stuck and at a loss for the right words. I haven't seen him in two months and the last sporadic "how are you doing" text was a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us have been hostile or overtly mean during this trying time. He has been cruel, but passively or most likely unaware of it. 

He still has a spare key, which he has not abused. I'm thinking he can drop by when I am out and collect his things and leave the key. If he responds, I know he will say he has no where to keep his belongings as according to the OW's divorce lawyer it doesn't look good to be living with her at this time. Not that I give two sh*ts about her situation, but this will be his excuse. Plan B if he doesn't agree to my request is to drop off his stuff on her front lawn while they are at work, but then I might never get my key back. If he doesn't change his mailing address, I suppose I could also arrange that as well. I'd like to try the decent way first. 

I would like to maintain some dignity and keep emotion out of it. I do not wish to see him as I am still working on my feelings of humiliation, disappointment, etc. At this point, I don't ever want to see him again- it hurts too much. As I am sure you all understand, I have been through hell and don't want to put myself through any more unnecessary pain. It has now been eleven months since he left me for her and I know the heartache isn't over yet by a long shot, but hopefully this will help me to move on and process it. 

I have made many mistakes thus far due to the emotional turmoil. I would like to get this one right. Any thoughts?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

You pack all his things, tell him they will be left outside your apartment at X time for X amount of time or they will be tossed out.

Ask him to slide the spare key under the door when he's done and to change his mailing address.

Maybe call the mail service there and ask them if there's a way to put a stop to his mail from coming?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You should be able to tell the post office that X is no longer at your address. Period. It's up to him to give them a new address. The P.O. will just return his mail as undeliverable if he doesn't. Don't set up forwarding for him. You can tell him he needs to make sure he changes his mailing address. Period.

If you want to try the nice thing first, give him a definite schedule of when you are gone and when you expect the things to be all cleaned out. There are storage units he can rent if he wants to put up a facade for OW's sake. That's not up to you. You owe him nothing at this point. 

You were more than decent to let him stay in your new apartment and let him keep a spare key. 

Believe me, if I didn't have a child with my STBXH, I would do nothing for him at this point. It's up to the OWs to help these guys now.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You sound like a very good and decent person, BV. I'm sorry you're going through this. ((hugs))


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I agree with both replies from angelpixie

Also, if you have no luck with the spare key are you able to change the locks? Even if it is not likely he would use it, it might give you peace of mind and a little more closure.

My ex is with another man now and I do not assist her with anything any more now that she has found my replacement. I think dropping his stuff off on the lawn of the new place is still doing him a favour. Just give him the pick up terms and chuck them out if he does not abide.

I think you have been more than generous. Just make the email short and to the point with no emotion.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

The less you say, they better. No negotiations; lay out your terms in the plainest possible language, including the consequences of noncompliance, be it a box on the curb or a dumpster.

A change of locks is a good idea, if you can afford it. It nullifies the issue of a key.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree. You have been more than decent in this situation. Don't ask him when it works for him. Tell him. You need your home back and his stuff must go. Tell him the days/times that work for you to get it. If he doesn't meet your schedule, and you can word this very pleasantly, then sell what you can on craigslist, etc. to cover the cost of a new key. Throw the rest out. Do not pack and move for him. Don't change his mailing address for him. I completely agree with the others, just tell the PO that he is no longer at your address. Now its time for him to be a grown-up, which means his actions have consequences. The fact that he can't conveniently store it at the OW's place is not your problem, and don't let him make it your problem. It is not your responsibility to make his affair easy.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks to all for the words of advice and encouragement. This is weighing on me too much- I don't want to over think it but I am fairly certain this will be one of the last few times I communicate with him and I don't want to be taken advantage of again. I have a tendency to allow that to happen, especially now that I feel so vulnerable.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i agree with everbody else. you can change your doorknob and dead bolt for about $40. lowes has really nice sets and all you need is a screw driver. i would write him a letter. or email and simply say that the locks are changed (or you need him to return your key) his belongings will be left out on x day. if he doesn't pick his things up by x (i'd give him no more than 48 hours) you will be tossing or donating it. i would be the bigger person and in the letter, tell him you have no desire to have any further unnecessary contact with him, but you wish him the best (it's good for your karma). i would also call the postal service and say he no longer lives there.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Yep. Change the locks. He can return the spare key but what's to say he doesn't make a copy of it first?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

He's coming by Friday afternoon and Saturday morning to get his things (It's a lot of big bulky stuff that would take two trips in his car). He wrote he hopes I'm doing okay and wishes me the best. Just like that. I feel like crap. Tomorrow is my 38th birthday.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

If you call a locksmith, rekeying the current locks is cheaper than changing them. You'll get new keys and the old ones won't work. Tell him to get his stuff out it's no longer your problem. If he doesn't like said above give him a time frame and put it outside for bulk trash day. If he doesn't change his address send it back to the post office return to sender person not at this address. Start living your life and get rid of him. What has he helped you with beside having another woman?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry for the belated birthday wishes, BV. I hope things went OK today with the STBXH. I hope you'll have a happier birthday next year. ((hugs))


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks for all the support and birthday wishes! I knew he would be here between 3 and 5pm today, so I got out of here at 2pm and spent the day with my family (mom, sister, nephew and two nieces). It was hard not to think of him here packing up his things, but I got through. 

I came back late tonight and sure enough, half his things were gone. It was kinda weird how selective he was considering he's coming back in the morning to collect the rest. 

I don't know why, but somewhere in the back of my head I was sorta hoping he might leave a note or card or something acknowledging my birthday. But he didn't and I guess I also knew he wouldn't. Ouch. It's been a painful break up, but there was no animosity. I still can't understand how he could just totally cut off his feelings for me and so easily walk away.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm sorry. It really is hard to understand that type of cut-off that some exes do. It seems like the ones that can cut off the easiest are married to ones who have the hardest time getting to a resolution, too. It's not like we cut off just as easily. Sometimes, for our sakes, I wish we could.  Take care, sweetie!


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks, angelpixie. I love how you call me sweetie! It's so nice.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BronteVillette said:


> Thanks, angelpixie. I love how you call me sweetie! It's so nice.


Bronte,

I've been reading your stuff, but haven't had much to say about it.

Did you indicate that you've battled depression the entire time you've been with STBXH?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Conrad, I've suffered from mild depression since I was a teenager (or at least that's when I diagnosed). Periodically, I would have major episodes where I would become extremely despondent and have difficulty functioning. I've taken all kinds of meds and infrequently seen therapists in one form or another over the years. 

Surprisingly, as bad as things are I have not had a major episode since he left and I stopped the anti-depressants in January. I will admit that since the break-up, I have had suicidal thoughts (which I never did during our relationship). For some reason, I get up every morning early (odd for me if I'm not working), shower, and get down to business. The pain of mental anguish still hits me hard and I have still been dealing with some major anxiety. 

I think something has shifted. When he left, he said that we were to young to be victims. I think that statement clicked for me somehow. I believe I am better off without the meds. My problem, as I see it, is my perspective. I didn't exactly have a good start in life and I have negative self-talk so ingrained in me that it is hard to catch it- it's like breathing.

My STBXH knew this going into the relationship. I guess he felt like he could fix me, but he couldn't. I'm sure I made life hell for him because he is so out-going and I would have times when I would crawl into myself and isolate from the world. 

For months before he sat down and gave me the ILYBNIL bomb, I was having a tough time of it. In hindsight, I think I knew something wasn't right and could feel him pulling away from me, perpetuating the negative thoughts. I was dependant on him emotionally which I recognized even then was not healthy. There were so many things I did wrong by not taking responsibility for myself and this has had a huge effect on our marriage. I am trying to look at this time as a chance to improve myself and be the person I know I can be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Let's just say you're not the only recovering codependent here.

Many of us felt we could "Find" ourselves in the love we have for our spouses.

Of course, that suffocates the relationship itself.

We have to love ourselves first - truly love ourselves.

It's more difficult than it sounds.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

WTF! So, I come back from work and notice that he hasn't picked up the remainder of his things. I text him and ask him why. While I'm waiting on a response, I'm on TAM keeping busy. I finally get a response that he's sorry, he'll come by soon. 

I'm a little angry that I have to change my plans because he can't stick to his agreement, and because I told myself I didn't want to see him I get in the car and go by my mother's house. No one is home. I'm sitting in her driveway wondering what to do and for what ever reason, I decide I'm going to go back with the excuse of helping him pack, and hopefully have a talk. Dumb.

I pull into the driveway and not only is his car there, but the OW's too. She is in my apartment helping him load things in the cars (it's not that much that he really needs help or the extra cargo space). I f*cking lose it. I dash past him and say something to the effect of "this is so not cool of you". There she is caring a box in my living room and I yell at her to "Get the f*ck out of my apartment!" It's a blur, but I think I called her a home wrecking wh*re, too. He comes in protectively and stands between us while she walks out (I never touched the b*tch or intended to) and tells me that this is so unlike me. 

He continues to walk in and out, loading the cars while she stands sheepishly in the driveway. I said some other things, but I am so full of adrenaline that I can hardly recall. Just angry indignation in both directions. She even has the nerve to tell me that she respects me! I do remember flatly saying, "No you don't." My STBXH doesn't see the problem with this. He kept saying he needed help and she was just there to help him. He denied that he felt he did anything wrong by bringing her into my space. ??? Am I wrong? 

As things progress, he tells me he's sorry he's hurting me but that he didn't want to be married anymore. He doesn't want to be with me. That even if he came back to me, it wouldn't be fair because he would still want _this_ (as he gestures in her direction). He said we were best friends and that's all we were for a very long time. I said, "Not for me." He said I didn't do anything wrong. He just wanted something else. 

So many things were said in that short span of time. My head is reeling. I can't process it all. I do recall confronting him with the lie that when we first separated he told me not to give up on us all the while he was seeing her. He simply said, "Your right." 

I asked him that last we spoke he said he was still confused and unsure of what he wanted, "What happened?" He said, "Things changed." I asked him why he didn't let me know when he had made up his mind and he gave me some crap about how every time he sees me he believes it's like putting a knife through my heart and he didn't want to keep hurting me. He said he even debated if he should leave a card or something for my birthday yesterday, but thought that would only cause more pain. 

Except when he felt like he was protecting her from me, there was no show of emotion from him. He was cool and calm.

As the adrenaline starts to wear off, I tell him that I don't want to discuss this now especially with her waiting outside. But, that I felt I deserved more than this. I told him I needed more from him than just, "I'm sorry." He agreed to meet with me sometime next week. 

He asked me why I suddenly decided to ask him to remove his things from the apartment. He wondered if I have been talking to someone, as if it was suggested to me. I wasn't prepared to respond- it felt too complex of an answer to give standing there as he has one foot out the door. I paused for a while and said that I hadn't been talking to anyone about it and that I just felt it was time.

I know I did not play it cool. I acted immaturely and I know I probably came across as a complete psycho. I feel like a fool. It just confirms for me that I am still a mess and a long way from finding any peace with this, if ever. 

The things he said. I feel such rejection and it stings right to my very core. I've never really felt worthy of love and so I guess I never was. It was all an illusion. Other people get to experience passion and all the good things that come with life, but not for me. I think there is something fundamentally wrong with me. There is something missing in me. I'm no better now for all my efforts- it was just lies I was telling myself. Nothing is right. I'm just a loser. 

When we met, I thought here is this wonderful person who sees something in me and loves me for who I am. I clung to that. I can't really blame him now for wanting out. He made a mess of it, but the truth of it is that he is full of life and I am not. I've just been coasting with no real zest for life and no connection to the world around me. I can't keep pretending anymore. There is nothing in this world for me. After years of professional help, no one can help me. I can't help myself. I'm f*cked.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>I clung to that<<

Yes you did.

You now have a new chance to cling to you.

That will prove much more reliable and healthy.

It's impossible to see right now and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Ask yourself what you want.

And, don't stop asking until you get an answer.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your emotions are perfectly correct. He dumped on you, disrespected you, lied to you, and he's been using you. How can you feel otherwise.
He brought the OW there, to move his stuff out. Ass.
Just breath for now.
You will get through this stronger than you can possibly imagine.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Been crying all day. Feel so drained and used up. While I'm in a good crying jag, boss calls me up to complain I forgot to water the plants. Cry some more. Got a headache, think I'm dehydrated.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Bronte, off topic -- have you done any CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? Helps me immensely with severe anxiety and panic. As this is closely related to depression it may help you...it is often better than meds (I use in conjunction with some that don't make me feel at all foggy) and you can learn the techniques in just a few months of therapy...I only see a therapist from time to time now to refresh or check in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

I've read self-help books about it, but found it difficult to discipline myself to actually work it right. I would get frustrated with myself and quit, eventually letting the negative self-talk win.

A few therapists have touched on it, but unfortunately I haven't had any long term therapy as it was always such an expense (most of my adult life with no insurance). The longest I ever saw anyone (a psychiatrist) was a few months and it mostly consisted of me crying for about an hour while he sat there and stared. I haven't had much luck finding a good fit. 

Although I feel worn out with the myriad of "professional" disappointments, I know I need to do something. True desperation is setting in. I will look for a counselor that uses CBT methods and hopefully it's not too much of an expense that my mother can help me cover. I hate to ask her and burden her further.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Therapists certified using "Internal Family Systems" are also a good bet. You can check if there's one near you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

BV -- Honey, don't beat yourself up for what happened yesterday. What he did was very wrong, even if he didn't think you were going to be there. You had every right to be angry at the way he lied to you and treated you so badly.

What you wrote about your depression and your background hit me very close to the heart, as did your feelings about yourself at the end of your post. You are absolutely worthy of being loved. My STBXH and I were in a similar situation. The point is, your ex is not taking this as an opportunity to learn about himself and grow and make himself better. He is jumping headlong into a mess, because HE is still a mess.

You have a chance to start over. I can recommend a couple of books that really helped me -- you can probably get them from the library, or online. One is called 'Facing Shame: Familes in Recovery" by Merle Fossum (it's a little older, but does a good job of explaining where that self-loathing we feel comes from), and the other is very recent and is specifically for women: "I thought it was just me: women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame" by Brene Brown. The first is a staple of my therapist, and I liked the 2nd so much I showed it to her and now she's using it, too. Also check out DBT -- Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It's CBT with a twist: an additional component of mindfulness practice. I have been in a group therapy setting with it since last fall, but it can be done one-on-one. It was originally developed to help borderlines, but nobody in our group is and it's been really helpful for all of us. I'm using it a lot for issues like yours. 

You can do this, BV. You sound like a wonderful person that just got some very bad programming when you were growing up. There are methods designed to help people like us with that. 

I, too, have been able to decrease medications for the first time since my relationship with STBXH started. Things aren't great by any stretch but you are noticing some very important things about yourself. You have an inner strength that has not allowed you to give up so far. Honor that strength and keep fighting back.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

angelpixie- Thank you! Thank you! I needed to hear that.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

BronteVillette said:


> Conrad, I've suffered from mild depression since I was a teenager (or at least that's when I diagnosed). Periodically, I would have major episodes where I would become extremely despondent and have difficulty functioning. I've taken all kinds of meds and infrequently seen therapists in one form or another over the years.
> 
> Surprisingly, as bad as things are I have not had a major episode since he left and I stopped the anti-depressants in January. I will admit that since the break-up, I have had suicidal thoughts (which I never did during our relationship). For some reason, I get up every morning early (odd for me if I'm not working), shower, and get down to business. The pain of mental anguish still hits me hard and I have still been dealing with some major anxiety.
> 
> ...


Bronte, depression is a medical condition. Being a cheater is a choice. Your husband made a choice. You have a medical condition. These are two very different things. A medical condition is NOT a choice and has nothing to do with character or morals. Choosing to cheat on your wife has everything to do with character and morals. Don't blame your depression for the decline of your marriage...it sounds like he certainly brought his own bag of trouble to the table.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Excellent post, sadsoul.


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