# Reconcilliation without current love



## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

Does anyone have success reconciling where one or both parties don't currently love eachother after an affair is uncovered? In other words, when the couple had alread drifted far away from the love the had. Have some re-fell in love or rekindled their interest after long periods of no contact or separation? I'm interested in hearing if this is possible.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Why would you want to?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

loaded question

so many BS's get the ILYBINILWY speech because of the affair

so it really becomes a question of whether or not that the love truly went away or was merely masked by the fantasy


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CarlJ said:


> Does anyone have success reconciling where one or both parties don't currently love eachother after an affair is uncovered? In other words, when the couple had alread drifted far away from the love the had. Have some re-fell in love or rekindled their interest after long periods of no contact or separation? I'm interested in hearing if this is possible.


How long has the affair been exposed?

What led to the disconnect before the affair and how long did it go on?

Do both spouses want what they once had or is this a one sided dream?




lamaga said:


> Why would you want to?


Kids, Money, Homes, Family, Religion, Co-Dependency, ...there are a million reasons why one would want to even if I don`t share any of them.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> How long has the affair been exposed?


A couple weeks. 



tacoma said:


> What led to the disconnect before the affair and how long did it go on?


There were probably many factors. My spouse became very self centered and things were one sided, that probably started a year ago. I reacted by trying to please her, when I should have not tolerated it.



tacoma said:


> Do both spouses want what they once had or is this a one sided dream?


I partially want what I had before things became one sided, but neither of us want to go back to the lacking situation that our marriage had became. We may want what we had years back, but it's hard to say. I don't want her back, and she knows that she can't be a good wife without change. I want to build myself up and heal from all this. This is why I asked if "falling back in love" is how some situations go, rather than trying immediate repair. We aren't living in the same place anymore, so this isn't a situation where we could just try to work it out. I'm just curious if other have had success with have a "new beginning" so to speak down the road.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The question is do you love your wife or do you love the image that she represents pure innocent woman waiting on you and taking care of your home and hearth?


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> loaded question
> 
> so many BS's get the ILYBINILWY speech because of the affair
> 
> so it really becomes a question of whether or not that the love truly went away or was merely masked by the fantasy


I truly believe that my wife doesn't love me. She is no longer seeing the OM, but I believe that as she copes with what she has done, it seems as if she has lost that love either leading up to the affiar, or maybe because she doesn't want to love me since she wants to focus her energy on herself.

I don't know for sure if the love is completely gone, or if this is all tied to the unhealthy time, affair, and coping. I really can't tell if it will change with time, if it's fake, or of it's the truth.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> The question is do you love your wife or do you love the image that she represents pure innocent woman waiting on you and taking care of your home and hearth?


No, her good attributes didn't include those types of things to begin with. I do love her, though I obviously doubt whether she really doesn't love me, or this is all tied to the situation and will change with time.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

From what i understand of your situation you're still very much emotionally invested in her and i suspect she knows this and is trying to buy time to make a decision. At this point you need to make a decision , its not about her its about you. And stop worrying too much about the future mate, whatever happens will happen for the best


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> From what i understand of your situation you're still very much emotionally invested in her and i suspect she knows this and is trying to buy time to make a decision. At this point you need to make a decision , its not about her its about you. And stop worrying too much about the future mate, whatever happens will happen for the best


I am invested, for sure. Ultimately I have to make the decision, though. I'm not going to be waiting on her to see if she's ready to 
work things out. She is the one who needs to turn her life around.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How long was the affair? How deep was the betrayal?


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How long was the affair? How deep was the betrayal?


Emotionally it was 6 months, physically it was quite a bit shorter, but I don't know how long exactly. There was alot of lying on her end throughout with the ILYBINILWY. She was acting like a different person and basically neglected me for most of the time. It ended before I found out, but I don't know if contact truly stopped until it was out in the open.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Two weeks of R is too short interval to draw any conclusions. Both of you are still riding the shockwave.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

My gut feeling is that this is a false R

And even if you were to "re-fall in love" it could take months of R


PS: CarlJ my apologies for the inappropriate post, i don't mean to make light of your situation


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> My gut feeling is that this is a false R


:iagree:

Only two weeks out, she's still definitely in the fog. She has to totally be in the left column, which indicates true remorse. Remorse is a pillar of R.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This is too early to call really.

You need to just go through the motions for awhile until you both can communicate from a position of reality.

If she truly doesn`t love you then I think you`re better off ending it and moving on.
Trouble is it sounds like it would be worth the investment for you to give it some time and see her actions as she`s probably still emotionally insecure over the whole thing.
It may take some time to see where her head is at.

Keep posting here as a sounding board, there are many who have been where you are now who have a lot of valuable insight that can help you through this madness.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> This is too early to call really.
> 
> You need to just go through the motions for awhile until you both can communicate from a position of reality.
> 
> ...


No doubt it is madness. People seem to ignore all logical thinking when engaging in affairs. I will say that she has fessed up to the whole thing, and contact has without ended. Problem is, the trust is so broken that I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. I'm confident she doesn't truly love me now, but I also know that this may change as our lives go on separately and reality sinks in, which is why I was curious about the "falling back in love" scenario after a longer period of time possibility.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CarlJ said:


> No doubt it is madness. People seem to ignore all logical thinking when engaging in affairs. I will say that she has fessed up to the whole thing, and contact has without ended. Problem is, the trust is so broken that I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. I'm confident she doesn't truly love me now, but I also know that this may change as our lives go on separately and reality sinks in, which is why I was curious about the "falling back in love" scenario after a longer period of time possibility.


It can and does happen but there`s no algorithm in existence to hedge your bets with.


It`s a leap of faith which is damn difficult after they`ve destroyed the faith you once had.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CarlJ said:


> No doubt it is madness. People seem to ignore all logical thinking when engaging in affairs. I will say that she has fessed up to the whole thing, and contact has without ended. Problem is, the trust is so broken that I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. I'm confident she doesn't truly love me now, but I also know that this may change as our lives go on separately and reality sinks in, which is why I was curious about the "falling back in love" scenario after a longer period of time possibility.


Unless, of course, she only thinks she doesn't love you? Still got foggy vision, if you get what I mean?

Counselling might help.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Unless, of course, she only thinks she doesn't love you? Still got foggy vision, if you get what I mean?
> 
> Counselling might help.


That`s why I say to give it some time.

If he really wants R she`s going to have to come out of the fog before it can be stated what she feels at all.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

CarlJ said:


> No doubt it is madness. People seem to ignore all logical thinking when engaging in affairs. I will say that she has fessed up to the whole thing, and contact has without ended. Problem is, the trust is so broken that I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. I'm confident she doesn't truly love me now, but I also know that this may change as our lives go on separately and reality sinks in, which is why I was curious about the "falling back in love" scenario after a longer period of time possibility.


I think the both of you should have a trial separation.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Way too early to call. You are both hurt and damaged and hardly thinking “positive” things.

For the BS: Define what love feels like. Using the “Hallmark” standard and my inability to find a card that describes what I feel for her... I don’t love her as the anniversary and valentines day cards sections would suggest. I can’t think of too many BS’s who can find card after card and go “oooh, that describes exactly how I feel about her” close to DD.

For the WS: They know they are doing wrong. So, it just feels ‘less wrong’ to do this if you can convince yourself you don’t love your spouse and they are a horrible person. It’s the difference between shooting a lost girl scout who accidentally walked into your house and a threatening excaped convict who breaks in... So, the WS needs time for that fog to lift and distance to see the difference between reality and the exaggerations they created to cope with their own selfish interest and decisions they knew would harm you and destroy the marriage.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

tacoma said:


> It can and does happen but there`s no algorithm in existence to hedge your bets with.
> 
> 
> It`s a leap of faith which is damn difficult after they`ve destroyed the faith you once had.


Tacoma, there is an algorithm of love, I found it on youtube.

Algorithm of Love - English & Chinese Sub - Hatsune Miku - nm5145778 - YouTube

Seriously, Tacoma is spot on. It is a leap of faith and if your spouse is still in the fog give it time. My wife is in love with me right now, it is something she can't fake. My trust level is very low because she can fall in love with a stranger in a matter of days and that is what she is working on in IC. 

Give it more time and see.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

CarlJ said:


> We aren't living in the same place anymore, so this isn't a situation where we could just try to work it out.


If you aren't living in the same place,how can you be 100% sure the affair is over?


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I think the both of you should have a trial separation.


I suppose I wasn't clear, we actually are already separated. So I'm looking at the question from that perspective.


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