# Nagging is destroying my marriage



## AlexDeLarge (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi newbie here seeking advice.

We have a 2-year old and a 6-year old daughter. My wife does not work. She spends all day with the girls, though we have a nanny 10-6 MWF. I have a very demanding career and work 6 days a week and it affords us all the creature comforts. My income pays for a beautiful home, great schools, ballet lessons, the whole nine yards. English is my wife’s second language which is important piece in this messy puzzle. She really wants them to learn and retain her native culture so she only speaks to them in that language. Since work makes it impossible for me to be around my kids as much their English lagged behind. The language barrier and lack of time with them means that both had a much stronger attachment to mommy as toddlers. So even when I’m around, my 2-year old only wants mommy. Being with her seemingly 24-7 drives my wife nuts. I get that. I go out of my way to try to help but she just gets hysterical unless mommy does everything. My relationship with my 6-year old on the other hand is great now. Her English is now perfect and she cherishes every moment with me because I’m rarely around. She’s totally over the infant attachment to mommy stage and is now daddy’s little girl. I’m sure it helps that I’m the good cop and mommy is now viewed as the disciplinarian.

So I guess this prolonged stress has really taken a toll on my wife. She has zero patience now whenever I’m with her and the kids. And she takes it out on me all the time. The stress levels when we do family activities on Sunday is unbearable. It’s gotten so bad, I literally can’t stand being around her any more. She screams all the time and has these irrational rules about everything. 2yo has to be in bed by 7PM. 6 yo has to be in bed by 8PM. Kindergarten homework has to be done after dinner before bedtime. Just tonight we were baking a homemade pizza and she got pissed because she started pre-heating the oven at 6PM and it wasn’t ready until 730PM. OK something was wrong with the oven. It shouldn’t ruin the evening. Hearing this incessant *****ing has reached the point where it instantly puts a pit in my stomach and sometimes it takes hours for it to go away. All about nonsense. Who cares if the kids go to bed an hour late. Isn’t the whole point of baking a pizza together quality time? In the back of my mind I think “Jesus f-ing Christ, I just worked a 14 hour day. I don’t need to come home to this…"

In this regard I’m wired completely differently than she is. I’m laid back but she is a control freak. If she forgets to turn off a light or do something I asked – no big deal. I never even mention it. Sometimes I get a little lazy and don’t do the dishes when it’s my turn. She’ll wake me up an hour before my alarm the next morning to drag me downstairs to wash them. There is no give and take. It’s like she keeps score on everything. Another example is if I’m watching sports, she may just walk into the room and go off for 10 minutes on something totally random like school lunches. I have to pause and listen to every word of it. If I even chit chat with her when she’s watching one of her shows, she gets very irritated. She voices everything that bugs her. I find little things rarely if ever worth fighting about. But I hate it when people nag me about little things. I tune them out and eventually ignore or avoid them altogether.

All this stuff may sound trivial, but it’s gotten so out of hand, I literally find any excuse to not be around her now. I’ll volunteer to go to the store to pickup eggs, or take my daughter to ballet just to get away from her. Most nights I go down to my studio and paint and she reads in bed or sits on the couch and watches TV. It’s really unhealthy. She’s acknowledged she has a problem and has bought self help books, tried meditation, etc… but its not getting better. Now I’m really worried about myself because she’s now become a person I cannot even stand being in the same room with. Between work stress, raising the kids, and this disconnect, our sex life is also totally non-existent now. I don’t know what to do.


----------



## acameragirl (Jan 28, 2012)

Being with kids and taking care of the household is just as stressful if not more than leaving to go to work. At least at work you can work without the chaos of kids. Sounds like Mommy needs time away from the house for some peace and quiet to get her sanity back. When Mommy gets her sanity back so does the whole family. What does she do for her "me" time? Perhaps volunteering or working somewhere part time will not only help her relieve stress but give her somewhere to use her control issues in a type of management situation. Also, take a Sunday and don't turn on the tv. Give her the undivided time she needs and wants from her husband.


----------



## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I agree with acameragirl. Does your wife like her nails done? How about getting her a gift card to a salon for nails or a massage for the middle of the week? You come home, kiss her good-bye and she comes back a few hours later refreshed and pretty! Maybe do this twice a month?

In return, you get a wife who has had some 'me' time and who knows, maybe she will return the favor


----------



## AlexDeLarge (Jan 28, 2012)

She keeps a large organic vegetable garden in the backyard and she goes to a macrobiotic cooking class every Wed night. A few months ago she left town for a weekend and I watched the kids. Incidentally I had a blast with them sans all the stress. It seemed very good for her for a bit but it really didn't do anything to change the long term behavior.

I've contemplated reducing my workload and telling her to get a part time job but that means a hit to our lifestyle. Maybe selling our house. Right now though, I'd honestly rather be at work than home with HER and the kids.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume that your wife has not been like this her entire life. So when did she change? Did it set in slowly or did it happen as the result of an event.. like when a child was born.

How is your wife's energy level? Her desire to do things? Does she enjoy activities that she used to enjoy? Or has her world of interests and friends shrunk? Is she tired a good part of the time? Or is she reved up a lot? 

What I'm getting at, is there a chance that your wife is suffering from depression? With depression everything in life gets harder to handle. 

What you describe is not healthy behavior. As her husband, looking after her mental health is part of the job.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why Nagging Doesn't Work -- Quit Nagging!

Show your mate that article.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to manage your whole family situation in such a way that your wife is happy most of the time. Many men make the following mistake. They think their wife mainly wants them to be a financial provider. And like you when you are working so hard doing this, you are surprised that she is not more in love with you and her life. The fact is your wife needs to feel good about her life most of the time for her to be happy. Your job as a man is to make her feel good, and it is extremely hard to do this if you are not present. Don't make the mistake of assigning your (male) emotions and thought process to what she (female) should be thinking and feeling.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, your wife sure takes a lot for granted. I'm sorry, but I have zero advice.

I grew up with my mother nagging at all of us 24/7. Even to this day she treats us as we are children and we are near 40 years old. It's very toxic and it causes a lot of conflict between my mother and I. I did learn a very valuable lesson and I did not take on this awful trait my mother has. My father has resorted to lying to her just to keep her happy. He agrees with EVERYTHING she says and my mother is very bossy and controlling. When you confront her about it, she plays the victim.

It's very peaceful living here. I'm a stay at home mother, but I do not get any help outside my immediate family. I broke my neck 3.5 years ago, which resulted in disabling me in 24/7 severe pain. I still manage the household and the children. My husband has picked up some of my slack, he does 100% of the grocery/supply shopping. I rarely give him a list. We use what we have and are content. I make 95% of our meals from scratch when I'm feeling well. I prefer to go all organic, but that's merely impossible. My husband and I live very old fashioned in many ways. We are grateful for what we have. He works very hard for our family and I greatly appreciate it. We like to keep things as simple as possible.

My husband and I have a fabulous marriage. If I were a nagging woman, our marriage would be destroyed. No one deserves to be treated in that manner. My husband is actually more patient then I am and we are 2 very laid back people.

Good luck with your wife. I can't imagine you are thrilled to come home after a day at work. We greet my husband with a hug then dinner on the table. Life is good!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Has she always been this way or is this something new?


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm thinking that your wife does not feel respected by you. You say that your children's English skills lagged behind because she wanted them to learn her language. Young children easily learn two languages at once; they do not have a problem going from 1 language to another at that age. Perhaps your wife felt your anger at them learning her language.

I would sit her down and tell her how her nagging makes you feel. Apologize for any disrespect that you may have made her feel. Then say that you will no longer respond when she nags. You will not listen when she is disrespectful to you. You will leave the room and only discuss things when she has a calm tone of voice.

If you can both discuss your feelings, air your grievances calmly and respectfully together, you will have a chance to re-build your love for each other.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Look people whats up whit this

*In this regard I’m wired completely differently than she is. I’m laid back but she is a control freak. If she forgets to turn off a light or do something I asked – no big deal. I never even mention it. Sometimes I get a little lazy and don’t do the dishes when it’s my turn. She’ll wake me up an hour before my alarm the next morning to drag me downstairs to wash them. There is no give and take. It’s like she keeps score on everything. Another example is if I’m watching sports, she may just walk into the room and go off for 10 minutes on something totally random like school lunches. I have to pause and listen to every word of it. If I even chit chat with her when she’s watching one of her shows, she gets very irritated. She voices everything that bugs her. I find little things rarely if ever worth fighting about. But I hate it when people nag me about little things. I tune them out and eventually ignore or avoid them altogether.*

What is it with you women??

behave in a way you wont.Act like *******s and NEVER be
satisfied.And so on. could go on forever.Like its your effing
BIRTHRIGHT..

Whats the matter with you women??
I mean VOICE your ****,and then *****..


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CameraGirl,
Please RE-read his initial post. They have a NANNY 3 days a week for 8 hours each day. His W gets WAY more down time than he does.

As a guy who has worked an incredibly demanding career I find your post highly offensive. The answer here ISN'T for him to do MORE. His W needs therapy and an attitude adjustment before he takes his kindness, his love AND his income stream elsewhere.....




acameragirl said:


> Being with kids and taking care of the household is just as stressful if not more than leaving to go to work. At least at work you can work without the chaos of kids. Sounds like Mommy needs time away from the house for some peace and quiet to get her sanity back. When Mommy gets her sanity back so does the whole family. What does she do for her "me" time? Perhaps volunteering or working somewhere part time will not only help her relieve stress but give her somewhere to use her control issues in a type of management situation. Also, take a Sunday and don't turn on the tv. Give her the undivided time she needs and wants from her husband.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alex,
Ignore the noise from the posters here who want you to pamper your already pampered wife EVEN MORE. 

Let me net this out for you. 
- In the world today, being able to stay home full time to raise your kids is a beautiful gift. Having a partner who is able to provide that lifestyle in such a way that you also don't have to stress about paying your mortgage - is like winning the "spouse" lottery. 
- Having a NANNY free up 3 full days a week on top of that - even better. 

That said, your W was a nice person when you met her. That's one reason you married her right? Yeah, yeah - I already know she is physically beautiful - you don't need to tell me. You crossed country lines to marry her - and you make very good money so that part is kind of obvious. The thing is, your conflict avoidance is allowing your W to morph into a tyrant and a bully. Guess - what - when I worked 60 hours a week my W would NEVER have dreamed of trying to deprive of of the little sleep I got to do the freakin dishes. If she had, we would have done a little exercise:
- Her total hours of free time 
- My total hours of free time

If they were equal, I would have offered to get a maid for 1-2 days a week. Like you we could afford it. But no way I am going to get beaten up for skipping $10/hour labor (dishes), when my alternative is to do $100-$200/hour stuff at work. 

You need to go read the "man up" references - there is a sticky - in the mens clubhouse. Whatever you do - DON'T pamper your W more. You will just make this problem worse.

As for the language stuff - she has no reason to be angry at you. If anything, the opposite is true. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
We have a 2-year old and a 6-year old daughter. My wife does not work. She spends all day with the girls, though we have a nanny 10-6 MWF. I have a very demanding career and work 6 days a week and it affords us all the creature comforts. My income pays for a beautiful home, great schools, ballet lessons, the whole nine yards. English is my wife’s second language which is important piece in this messy puzzle. She really wants them to learn and retain her native culture so she only speaks to them in that language. Since work makes it impossible for me to be around my kids as much their English lagged behind. The language barrier and lack of time with them means that both had a much stronger attachment to mommy as toddlers. So even when I’m around, my 2-year old only wants mommy. Being with her seemingly 24-7 drives my wife nuts. I get that. I go out of my way to try to help but she just gets hysterical unless mommy does everything. My relationship with my 6-year old on the other hand is great now. Her English is now perfect and she cherishes every moment with me because I’m rarely around. She’s totally over the infant attachment to mommy stage and is now daddy’s little girl. I’m sure it helps that I’m the good cop and mommy is now viewed as the disciplinarian.

So I guess this prolonged stress has really taken a toll on my wife. She has zero patience now whenever I’m with her and the kids. And she takes it out on me all the time. The stress levels when we do family activities on Sunday is unbearable. It’s gotten so bad, I literally can’t stand being around her any more. She screams all the time and has these irrational rules about everything. 2yo has to be in bed by 7PM. 6 yo has to be in bed by 8PM. Kindergarten homework has to be done after dinner before bedtime. Just tonight we were baking a homemade pizza and she got pissed because she started pre-heating the oven at 6PM and it wasn’t ready until 730PM. OK something was wrong with the oven. It shouldn’t ruin the evening. Hearing this incessant *****ing has reached the point where it instantly puts a pit in my stomach and sometimes it takes hours for it to go away. All about nonsense. Who cares if the kids go to bed an hour late. Isn’t the whole point of baking a pizza together quality time? In the back of my mind I think “Jesus f-ing Christ, I just worked a 14 hour day. I don’t need to come home to this…"

In this regard I’m wired completely differently than she is. I’m laid back but she is a control freak. If she forgets to turn off a light or do something I asked – no big deal. I never even mention it. Sometimes I get a little lazy and don’t do the dishes when it’s my turn. She’ll wake me up an hour before my alarm the next morning to drag me downstairs to wash them. There is no give and take. It’s like she keeps score on everything. Another example is if I’m watching sports, she may just walk into the room and go off for 10 minutes on something totally random like school lunches. I have to pause and listen to every word of it. If I even chit chat with her when she’s watching one of her shows, she gets very irritated. She voices everything that bugs her. I find little things rarely if ever worth fighting about. But I hate it when people nag me about little things. I tune them out and eventually ignore or avoid them altogether.

All this stuff may sound trivial, but it’s gotten so out of hand, I literally find any excuse to not be around her now. I’ll volunteer to go to the store to pickup eggs, or take my daughter to ballet just to get away from her. Most nights I go down to my studio and paint and she reads in bed or sits on the couch and watches TV. It’s really unhealthy. She’s acknowledged she has a problem and has bought self help books, tried meditation, etc… but its not getting better. Now I’m really worried about myself because she’s now become a person I cannot even stand being in the same room with. Between work stress, raising the kids, and this disconnect, our sex life is also totally non-existent now. I don’t know what to do.[/QUOTE]


----------



## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I think you need to cut your hours, give up some of the luxuries and be home with the kids more.

She will have to give up a lot of her luxuries, but I think this is the only way things are going to get better for your family. Not only that, but I think it's a shame you are so distant from your children.

Perhaps she is feeling that, and has grown resentful.

If she works part time, that will give her an opportunity to get away from the kids for longer than a few hours, and she may meet some new friends/have grown up conversation. Unfortunately that is necessary and only getting a couple of hours a week isn't enough.

Additionally, you guys need to reconnect. Spend some time with her alone, quality time. Have a date night, go for walks together, read a book together... Spend as much time as you reasonably can together, alone, without the stress of the kids. Perhaps hire a sitter once a week for the evening and get out of the house for a few drinks, or dancing, etc... If you are distant from your wife and her from you, the distance will keep on growing and divorce is a likely outcome.


----------



## Itsacommitment (Jan 30, 2012)

Its hard to give good solid advice when only hearing one side of the story. There are ALWAYS two sides to the story. But I will attempt to give you my opinion as that is why you are hear. 

I think first, its always important to take a step back and check to see if you are doing everything you can to help the situation. Is your mind right. If it is not, then are you being honest with yourself about what you need to work on personally? You've said that you are dreading being around your wife, so it seems obvious that you are being honest with yourself. Are you being completely honest with her? Have you sat down and had a blunt and honest conversation with your wife? You've said a couple things that lead me to believe you've talked about it some. But has she hear EXACTLY how you feel? Does she know you have a hard time wanting to come home? Does she know how seriously this is affecting you? Sometimes when someone is going through a difficult time, which its apparent that she is, its hard to recognize the other persons struggles. Perhaps she needs to CLEARLY hear just how unhappy you are for her to start taking it more seriously. 

That being said, I do think your frustrations and concerns are valid. Her actions are indicative of exhaustion, being overwhelmed, and possibly depressed. Often depression results in being lazy. But sometimes depression presents itself in severe irritation, moodiness, self centered attitude and controlling behavior. Her behavior is not fair to you at all. 

Do you feel overworked? Are you feeling the pressure to keep the luxuries of having money for your wife? Would you rather spend time at home with her and the kids if home life was happier? Remember to take care of yourself. If you are unhappy with your actions (this includes your work) you have the right to change that. If you do not want to work so much anymore, you have the right to speak up.

Self help books can be encouraging but they will not give your wife what she needs. And meditation only works if she has instruction on how to do it properly. I'm glad to hear that she recognizes she is struggling. Has she seen a therapist? Would you consider getting marriage counseling? Would she consider getting help herself? I STRONGLY think this is necessary. 

I went through a very similar thing with my husband a couple years ago. I have severe health issues and the stress of everything really got to him. He became very controlling, naggy, irritable and outright hurtful. The problem was not the specific things he was nagging about. Thats just how the real problem presented itself. We got help. And after a LOT of hard work, it got better. We have an amazing relationship. 

I very much feel for you and your wife. You obviously love and care for her and your children. I can see that. 

Best of luck. Please keep us updated.


----------

