# Finding our first time hard



## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

Hi all

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 months now and both of are virgins. We are both happy living together ( or so it seems). 
My husband is not able to turn me on enuf for me to get ready for penetrative sex. We do cuddle around each day, but that does not make me feel any good. We have tried to have sex but I am too tight for him to enter. Both of us masturbate to satisfy ourselves and I give him orals(which he does not bother to reciprocate)
Him not able to turn me on makes me feel unwanted. 
i dunno where we are headed


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What does he do for foreplay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

He kisses and fondles my breasts...


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Maydave100 said:


> ...and I give him orals(which he does not bother to reciprocate)


First of all, him not reciprocating is not acceptable. 

What kind of communication do you two have? You said that you are unable to get turned on by him. Is this just recently after the marriage or have you (and are you) physically attracted to him? Even though you two have never engaged in sex, has he ever gotten you excited (wet)?


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

We spoke on the phone and Skyped for 6 months before marriage... The first time we met his mere presence made me wet.. Experienced something like that the first timee all my life... I can recall just once post marriage when he turned me partially on... 
I want him to express that he WANTS me ...verbally and physically.. Have tried telling him I want him to tell me how much he loves me but he all he says is that he wud give his life for me but cant be any more expressive...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Why'd you marry him without sorting out your attraction issues with him before hand?


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> First of all, him not reciprocating is not acceptable.


Once when we were trying to make out I asked if he wanted to go down on me ( I pulled up all my courage to ask) and then he gives me a blunt NO. He wanted me to shave which I eventually trimmed and still he wont do it. I dont wanna ask him again


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Why'd you marry him without sorting out your attraction issues with him before hand?


It never seemed like an issue before marriage... I just thought I was the one who wanted to talk bout sex all the time. He made me feel that way...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

You say he never turns you on enough for sex. Out of curiosity, but have you never had a moment when you just wanted him? I mean, just thinking about him made you horny and wanting him? In a newlywed situation such as yourself, that's a rather common thing to be honest. Eventually that can die off as the newness wears away, but to not have that at all is rather unusual.

Do you get that sort of feeling for other men (fantasy or otherwise)?

I agree that he should be putting more effort in, especially on the topic of oral, but I do find it odd that there's been no desire to just take him and rip his clothes off and do him. Considering you are a virgin, do you have any hangups or issues relating to sex? How do you feel about sex in general? Are you afriad of having sex?


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

It's not too late to get your marriage annulled. You haven't consummated the marriage yet. Think about it.

Is your husband 100% into you? Is he really turned-on by you?

Is there a chance he is gay and in-the-closet? Marrying you in this circumstance would be a horribly selfish act if this is the case. 

Or is it you that is not getting turned-on by him? 

It has been five months so the chemical reaction that happens in your brain when you have a new boyfriend that gets you instantly sexually excited is going to be diminishing by now. Familiarity is already setting in...and that is normal.

You should try to fix this problem quickly or consider getting out of the marriage.

Next time, don't get into a life-long committed relationship before you know you like sex with each other.


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

I just have this wanting to be with him together always.. I masturbate a lot post marriage.. More when he is not home ... I have taken to porn  [I know it is not goood] and fantasize myself and the girl in there who is being pleased ...
I am afraid the first time wud be painful... But there was once he kinda entered me( not fully I guess) and a bit of blood tricked when I pee-d . But I think I know my hymen is not broken completely


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My God, you're married. Just get some lube and do it. Yes it will hurt the first time. You'll live. Oh, and stop with the porn. Your husband can't turn you on because his virgin wife has been spoiled by unrealistic porn actors.


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

Relic said:


> It's not too late to get your marriage annulled. You haven't consummated the marriage yet. Think about it.
> 
> Is your husband 100% into you? Is he really turned-on by you?
> 
> ...


He says he is into me ... and I wouldnt even dream of getting our marriage annulled . He is helpful and considerate otherwise. He can make me forget the world and laugh. 

He is not gay. We recently sorted out an issue of him looking at other attractive women . 

I just dunno how to make things work. But I know badly want it.


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

If you're having a hard time with penetration, get some lube and have him insert his finger. Then when you're more comfortable with that, 2 fingers..etc.


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

@WorkingOnME: It is not that I have tried it till now.. Will sure it give more chances. 
Bout the porn. I am stopping it from this very minute. We ll see how it works. 
But just wanted to know if there cud be a way for my husband to want me ... Have tried asking if he with me outta choice or chance .. He says he is fine being with with.. I want a strong reiteration from his that he is attracted to me... I dunno if there cud be any other better turn on


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I just don't understand why he'd marry you (or you him) if there waasn't at least some attraction. I mean, what even got you two dating? I know not all couples have a strong physical connection, but virtually all have a decent level of physical attraction on both sides prior and post-marriage, at least initially. That can fade over time, but five months in and no sex and you are questioning whether you are attracted to him and vice versa. Something doesn't add up here.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Every other woman in the world started out as a virgin.

They all had a first time. I agree that you should buy some lubrication at the drug store or grocery store (KY for example). 

Put it all over his penis and a little around your vaginal opening.

This will minimize the uncomfortable part (first time) and maximize the pleasurable part (everything else).

Don't overthink this. I think either one of you or both of you have built this "first-time" thing to be way too-big in your minds.

Next time you make-out, don't talk about this with him. Just spring it on him. Make sure you both get completely naked, and while he's kissing your breasts, reach out from under your pillow and get the lube on fast and tell him to just go to town.

The goal is just getting this initial penetration over with. 

This may not sound terribly romantic, but that is exactly what this is -- it is very romantic.

Someday you'll be older, more confident, and more skilled, and the two of you will remember this clumsy "first-time" experience and realize that despite how clumsy and unromatic it was, it was truly a beautiful first time experience because you were both so vulnerable and loving.

Losing one's virginity is special - but not for the reasons that young people think. Losing one's virginity is special because it is imperfect, clumsy, short, rushed, embarrassing. Not because it is magical and romantic. This is why it is ideal to lose one's virginity with someone you love and who loves you - because it is a very vulnerable moment when you are opening yourself to something new and scary and you are completely vulnerable and exposed...and because it probably won't be great the first time.

Don't build this up. Plan this on your own. Set-it up as a normal make-out session and use the lube to just get his penis into you. 

The monkey will be off your back.

Then the two of you can be off to the races.

Get the first one over with and then concentrate on practicing until you're both perfect for each other.

Be happy.


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

@Relic: Thank you loads for making me feel better... I am happy you could empathise..
But dont I need to be turned on for us to get it done the first time.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Frankly, no, you don't need to be turned on. It's nice, yes I'll give you that. But with store bought lube, it's far from necessary. 

Also if you are too tight for the first time, it may be that he isn't being aggressive enough. He is probably worried about hurting you and is trying to be gentle which makes it impossible to get it in. Because of this, I recommend that you put lots of lube on him, some lube on you, and then for the first time try it with him laying down and you on top cowgirl style. If you're watching lots of porn you know exactly what I mean. That way you control how hard you push rather than relying on him to push. Grit your teeth and get it done.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Why do you think he doesn't want you? You seem very hung up on that. I assume he wants to have sex with you, doesn't he?


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## Maydave100 (Oct 17, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Why do you think he doesn't want you? You seem very hung up on that. I assume he wants to have sex with you, doesn't he?


I feel that way cos he is never verbal and there is a lack of passion when he cuddles me .. Feels like cuddling a kid... That cud cos he has not been with any women before.... Yeah he does wanna have sex with me...


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Have u guys tried using lubrication? Astroglide or wet would help penetration a great deal.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Is their anyway you can get yourself revved before having sex?
lube is good for the obvious reason, but being turned on doesn't just lubricate you it helps your vagina expand and be more 'accommodating' to penetration. 
Lube will help with the pain but being aroused and the muscles being relaxed penetration will be alot more comfortable for you. 
Even for a non virgin being unaroused and just using lube can still make for a painful sex session as the cervix hasn't receded at all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get some lube.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Frankly, no, you don't need to be turned on. It's nice, yes I'll give you that. But with store bought lube, it's far from necessary.
> 
> Also if you are too tight for the first time, it may be that he isn't being aggressive enough. He is probably worried about hurting you and is trying to be gentle which makes it impossible to get it in. Because of this, I recommend that you put lots of lube on him, some lube on you, and then for the first time try it with him laying down and you on top cowgirl style. If you're watching lots of porn you know exactly what I mean. That way you control how hard you push rather than relying on him to push. Grit your teeth and get it done.


Yes, this. Get some lube and get on top. You can control the penetration that way, plus you will have your hands free to stimulate your clit yourself and get turned on. Maybe take his hand and put it on your clit, too.

If he's inexperienced, and you're having trouble with penetration, who knows? Maybe he thinks he's bad at sex so is feeling bad about himself so he'd rather not try and feel worse.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm the type of person to over-prepare in everything I do, but I just don't get the whole 'I'm afraid the first time will be painful, I'm so scared' problem. Instead of worrying, I simply prepared myself ahead of time. When I was about 12 years old (LOL), for some reason I was worried about sex hurting even though I knew I wouldn't have it until I was 18. I decided I didn't want it to hurt the first time, so I practiced using a glass bottle on myself like a dildo (just 2-3 times). So 6 years later, no surprise, my first sex didn't hurt at all.

When eventually I wanted to try anal, I didn't want that to hurt either. So I went to the women's 'toy' store and got a set of anal dildos (working up in size) and practiced, using lube. So the first time with anal sex, no pain, it was easy. Anytime I plan for anal sex, I just put in a butt plug for a few minutes beforehand to get my muscles relaxed. Voila no pain. 

I know I'm odd to plan and prepare, but I still think it makes a whole lot more sense than feeling pain with a partner and having the first time possibly be unpleasant. Just get that part over with all by yourself, so your first time will be great.

Use a vibrator and lots of lube with something dildo shaped. I do recommend a soft plastic or silicone dildo, not something hard like glass though, although that worked for me at age 12.

Before your first session with penetration with him, go in the bathroom privately, and put lots of lube inside and out, then masturbate for a few minutes to get really horny. Come out and you are ready to go. Start out on top so you control the entry.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Relic said*: The goal is just getting this initial penetration over with.
> 
> This may not sound terribly romantic, but that is exactly what this is -- it is very romantic.
> 
> ...


Oh my, LOVE THIS... beautiful...brought me to tears.. .

Me & my husband was somewhat like you Maydave100 - he couldn't get it in after 3 months married , I had no trouble getting wet, I was just too darn TIGHT, and he didn't want to hurt me... He is a pretty patient man, * I *was the one getting frustrated -feeling this is [email protected]#$%^ ...made an appointment with my OBGYN to say ...."Hey Doc, my husband can't get it in!" - how dreadfully embarrassing - he checks me out & says ..."Yep, you have a Rigid one alright " and schedules me for a "hymenectomy", I started to cry, how is this happening ! Then learned a couple days later I was "'with child" ~ No surgery...









A blessing looking back.....took us another 5 months, (8 months married) before I felt my husband fully penetrated me. ..what a glorious day ~ our breakthrough ~ finally ~ we went out & celebrated.









Crazy story ....

All that matters is...you are together.. you saved yourself for the one you love... IF this is how you feel.. Being sexually compatible is HUGE though. Being attracted to your spouse and feeling desire both ways... this is also very very important. Besides this hurdle of penetration. 

One of our regrets is NOT talking about sex ENOUGH, openly and exploring with each other. I'd recommend buying a variety of informative books to help you get started... pick up some Lube & keep at it ... Amazon.com: lube

Some book suggestions : 

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex,Third Edition: Books

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man: Books

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: Books

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books (Christian Author)

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Pleasing Your Woman: Books


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Maydave100 said:


> i dunno where we are headed


Divorce.

You two have been married for 5 years, and you two still haven't had sex?
You two aren't married. You are barely more than room mates.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Its good you are stopping the porn. I think it is easy to become content pleasuring yourself to porn. Once you become content, your desires to discuss sexual desires and pursue a sexual relationship with your spouse takes a back seat.

Sounds like both of you are reserved sexually. My wife and I have that obstacle. Finally I told her that we are married and that there should be a complete trust in each other to discuss any of our desires. My sex life is improving. It doesn't happen overnight with two individuals who are reserved, but there is communication. My wife still holds back telling me things about sex, but we are moving forward.

There is now never going to be a perfect time for your first time between you two. I think the use of lube becomes necessary for you to get it over with (so to speak). 

Would he use a vibrator on you? Perhaps him assistancing with that would allow you to get wet enough making your first time a bit less uncomfortable.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Divorce.
> 
> You two have been married for 5 years, and you two still haven't had sex?
> You two aren't married. You are barely more than room mates.


5 months, not 5 years.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Playing with your breast is not enough foreplay, he needs to stimulate your genitals in some way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Too much crazy in this thread. I really feel sorry for this boy husband of yours. You have successfully ***** whipped him, and yet managed to not have sex with him at all. The dynamic is set of you saying no and him accepting it while you pleasure yourself with other means and blame him for not exciting you enough. Either commit to the marriage and help him become a man or let him go so he can find someone that will be delighted to do it for you. Stop the drama.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

LastUnicorn said:


> Too much crazy in this thread. I really feel sorry for this boy husband of yours. You have successfully ***** whipped him, and yet managed to not have sex with him at all. The dynamic is set of you saying no and him accepting it while you pleasure yourself with other means and blame him for not exciting you enough. Either commit to the marriage and help him become a man or let him go so he can find someone that will be delighted to do it for you. Stop the drama.


If she didn't care she wouldn't be asking her help. No reason to be so nasty. I had a tight hymen and a lot pain. If the guy wasn't persitant it wouldn't have happened. It really hurt and I bleed a lot. Without persistance on her husband's part the motivation to do something that hurts like hell isn't there. Especially since the foreplay is practically non-existent and she isn't lubricated. He was also asked and turned her down when she asked for oral. 

Try to communicate what you need and stop masturbating. Direct that energy into sex. Bring up oral again. What's his problem with it?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Maydave100 said:


> I feel that way cos he is never verbal and there is a lack of passion when he cuddles me .. Feels like cuddling a kid... That cud cos he has not been with any women before.... Yeah he does wanna have sex with me...


Maybe he needs to detach in this manner to deal with this situation? I would have to imagine that not having consummated the marriage after this long would be taking its toll on him too.


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