# Let's talk about blended families and exes.



## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

How much does/should you let your gf/bf's ex affect your relationship?

I'm in a relatively new relationship. We both have one toddler each and while my ex is sane and my relationship with her is civil, hers is not. It concerns me. He's white trash.

Example 1

She was driving her son home one day and he had a piece of candy that he wanted to 'chuck'. When she asked what that meant, he wanted her to roll down the window so he could throw it out.

Example 2

She couldn't get him to bed until after 10pm last night. His father apparently lets him do whatever and admits to the son going to bed at 11 or 12. The kid is two years old!!!

It's only going to get worse. I'm scared because I'm protective of my son and don't want him to pick up on her son's bad habits. Not to mention, the ex causes her stress in other ways because he's a loose cannon and plays games with her. Who knows what I'll be in store for when he finds out about me.

This is a big concern for me. Is it a fair one? I mean, it's possible it could lead me to leave her because I don't do drama.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't call throwing a piece of candy out the window and staying up too late drama.

Sounds like you're nowhere near ready for a blended family/to be a step-dad.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't call throwing a piece of candy out the window and staying up too late drama.
> 
> Sounds like you're nowhere near ready for a blended family/to be a step-dad.


I think that's very fair to say.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm a little unclear on why the kid wanting to chuck a piece of candy he no longer wanted out the window is an example of the ex being white trash.......

Nonetheless, if slang bothers you, correct the child. Or ask your girlfriend to do so. Teaching children to speak proper English is a good thing, but trust me when I say that having a 2-year old use "chuck" isn't nearly the worst speech offense you're likely to encounter before the kid reaches adulthood. 

Letting a child stay up late isn't optimal. So don't let him stay up late at your house. However, by and large, unless something is patently dangerous to the child, what goes on at the other parent's home is really out of your control. Make the rules for your house. Let the exes make the rules for their own homes. Children can generally adapt to the concept that there are different rules for different places.

By the way, neither of the examples you cited equate to anything resembling drama in my world. My boyfriend freaking out over things like this, though, just might.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Rowan said:


> By the way, neither of the examples you cited equate to anything resembling drama in my world. My boyfriend freaking out over things like this, though, just might.


Yes. This.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I honestly understood when you said chuck this out.. I'm surprised a 2 year old wanted to throw out candy.. lol

Was it that he wanted to throw it out the window ? Meaning you would rather he put it in a napkin and toss it out later ? 

regardless the slang chuck it out is not the end of the world.. Pick your fights.. 

But I am gonna agree that a 2 year old being up at 10 isn't good.. Why ? 

As my pediatrician explained and wholeheartedly agree.. Parents need some alone time to unwind as well.. 

Plus you don't want to really pay a babysitter to sit up with your 2 year old at midnight.. What they want to do is put the baby asleep at 7 or 8 and watch TV for 4 or 5 hours.. Otherwise your sitters will be few and far between.. 

Plus kids don't get stupid as they get older. They get smarter.. How are you gonna rationalize with your kid as they get older why they need to go to sleep earlier ? You think your just gonna use the line because I told you.. It won't last or work. .They will throw a temper tantrum until you give up and you will.. 

My Ex GF 3 year old would flip out if she seen me late at night because she knew I was sleeping over and she couldn't sleep with mommy.. She would go on sometimes until 1 AM or wake up several times during the night looking to come to the bed.. 

Kids need structure plain and simple.. 

Do you let your kids do homework at midnight ? 
Do you let your kids NOT go to school because they don't feel like it ? 
Do you let your 2 year old tell you what they are wearing for the day ?

I mean really, what clue does a 2 year old have.. 

I'm a single parent with 2 boys.. I have one boy with me 7 days a week because my Ex wife doesn't want to see him ( its another story ).. But at the age of 14 he does his home work in school or right when he gets home.. You think my 83 year old mom is gonna have a clue if he does it or not, or when he does it ?.. 

I work sometimes I don't get home until 9 or 10 pm.. I can't hope he did his homework.. I can't keep taking days off from work to deal with school issues because he doesn't do it..

The reason he does his homework at school or right when he gets home is because we instilled this him from the VERY first day he went to Preschool.. The very, very first day and I have never stopped.. Today the kid is a 90+ average in the school. We needed a recommendation to get in the school and the dean is thanking ME for putting my son in the school. Hes one of his highest grade kids.. 

Do my kids slack off ? Yes... Are they lazy ? Yes.. 

Do I come down on my son if he suddenly has monday morning flu ? No.. Not all the time.. But I let him know he can't always feel sick on monday.. But if he was doing bad I wouldn't let him take off ,that is for sure..

So yea 10 PM is late for a 2 year old.. My 10 year old goes to sleep at 10 to 1030 on his own without any direction from me..

And you definitely need alone time as a couple..


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't think the issue on the table here is whether or not it is OK for a 2 year old to stay up that late. I think most of us would agree that is not ideal. My kids each went to bed at 6:30 at that age, so I don't disagree with anything you've said. The point here is that in blended families you have to pick your battles and realize you're not going to be able to control everything that happens when the kid is not in your custody at the moment. The issues the OP has pointed out ("chucking" candy and staying up late) are not issues to get worked up over. It points to only bigger problems coming up since if he gets worked up about those things, he's not going to be able to handle the bigger things.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If blended family is what you are thinking this is a big issue that needs to be observed. Although it's different issues my Gf and I are having a similar problem where we are NOT on the same page about how to raise the three kids in our household. If we get on the same page over time then great and if not then this will be as far as our relationship goes. Raising kids is a long commitment and one parents need to take seriously so this is something that should be observed and communicated about in an effort to get on the same page.

On the flip side I do have friends who are married, 4 kids between them, and they are 100% on the same page in all regard of the kids. It's inspirational to see. If I were to ever get married again prior to my kids leaving the house that is the type of realtionship I would need to do it.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Let me clarify the "chucking" incident.

It has nothing to do with the word "chuck". It was that he wanted his mother to roll down the window so he could throw the candy or the candy wrapper out of it. His mother told me the story to imply that he learned that from his trashy father who liters.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

cyclone said:


> Let me clarify the "chucking" incident.
> 
> It has nothing to do with the word "chuck". It was that he wanted his mother to roll down the window so he could throw the candy or the candy wrapper out of it. His mother told me the story to imply that he learned that from his trashy father who liters.


So, don't roll down the window. And tell the child that we don't throw trash out like that. Teach him to save it until he can throw it away properly in a trash can. Young children often want to toss away stuff inappropriately - whether it's the mouthful of peas they spit out, the now-boring toy they toss out of the grocery cart, or the empty popsicle stick they drop on the floor. Their instinct is to simply get rid of stuff they don't want anymore. Just teach the child not to do that. 

If an ex-husband who your girlfriend implies is a litterer is a deal breaker for you, then it is. You're perfectly entitled to place your personal and relationship boundaries wherever they suit you. I still think that you may be manufacturing drama here. 

You and your girlfriend are entitled - and able - to set the rules for your blended family and your joint home. You cannot, however, do much about what goes on at each of your ex's homes. By consistently being on the same page with parenting, your children will both learn what is and is not acceptable in your home. They may find that different rules apply at each of their other homes. You can only control yourself, controlling either of your exes is outside of your wheelhouse - and your abilities. You must be on the same page with your current partner. But it's probably too much to hope for to have you, your ex-wife, your girlfriend, and her ex-husband all on the same page all of the time.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

cyclone said:


> Let me clarify the "chucking" incident.
> 
> It has nothing to do with the word "chuck". It was that he wanted his mother to roll down the window so he could throw the candy or the candy wrapper out of it. His mother told me the story to imply that he learned that from his trashy father who liters.


Ahh okay.. So I was on mark with the liter part.. 

Kids need to be raised the best they can plain and simple.. They are truly one investment that you reap what you sow.. 

Look don't make your bed.. Moan when I ask you to go to the store.. But do good in school.. Be respectful and grow up to be a good human being and productive person in society.. 

No one wants a jeffrey dahmer.. Just being extreme here to make a point..

The one thing you didn't bring up is what your GF thinks about this ? Does she see it as wrong ? Does she want her son to go to bed early ?

If so then your lucky and I have no issue.

My Ex GF clearly knew if we moved in together.. I would provide a beautiful room for her daughter.. That she could set up how she wanted.. It would be brand spanking new.. But for the most part she would be sleeping in her bed, not ours.. I want my wife in my bed and I want to spend some time alone with my wife in my bed.. Now if she ( meaning my GF ) wants to sleep in her daughters bed to put her asleep, by all means do so.. But not our bed.. Like everything there are always exceptions.. I'm not a rock and I loved the little girl as well. 

She expressed she had no issues with it.. But of course she is an ex so much of this is moot I guess. But just telling you for sake of it.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> Ahh okay.. So I was on mark with the liter part..
> 
> Kids need to be raised the best they can plain and simple.. They are truly one investment that you reap what you sow..
> 
> ...


My GF is on the same page. She is the one that feeds me this information and then goes on to say that is stresses her out that her ex and her cannot be on the same page. Of course, this in turn stresses me out. I hate to feel like I need to take on problems from her past relationship. I guess I just have to work on knowing that I don't and I won't. I have to chill out more.

Don't even get me started on the bed issue. That's a whole other can of worms. We're not living together yet but she sleeps with her two year old and that is something of a deal breaker for me.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Well you have to accept some baggage man and have some understanding. Those things are so minior and could be corrected easily. It sounds like you are more concerned about her judgement in selcting her ex and that is not sitting well with you. You two are oppisites I imagine...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems like you've got a lot more to worry about than your GF's ex... If you're not a match with your GF, the ex is a moot point. 

C


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Observer said:


> Well you have to accept some baggage man and have some understanding. Those things are so minior and could be corrected easily. It sounds like you are more concerned about her judgement in selcting her ex and that is not sitting well with you. You two are oppisites I imagine...


Pretty much this. Just a lot of life changes in a short amount of time. I have to breathe.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Try to keep the judging minimal. I'm in a blended family as well with my boys (hb's daughter is grown) and I can tell you that you think more highly of your own kid than anyone else does. You may think your kid is head and shoulders above hers but she doesn't feel that way nor will any other woman you meet. Completely normal, nobody is supposed to love your kid quite like you, so think about what's really that big of a deal. Especially from a toddler.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Two biggest issues are the challenges of blending families/kid issues, the other is financial issues.

We got professional help at the start because blending families is one of the hardest things you will do. You must be in a very strong relationship first of all.
Don't force the issue too fast, it takes years to blend a family.
Lots of discussion about what the other thinks and ground rules. 
You must be on the same page.

Mr H and I have 5 kids between us, we are very much aligned in how we approach blending our families.
He disciplines his kids, I deal with mine. \
Everyone one is included or can opt out of doing family activities (we have teenagers that also have other lives).
We are each a bonus adult in the step kids lives, we are not their parent.

My ex is a decent guy, we have remained very amicable. My partner gets along well with him and we all get together for family events. We do 50/50 shared care.

My partners ex has serious, medically diagnosed mental health issues. She has the potential to cause us great disruption. She is unable to do this however because I choose not to let this happen, I stand back, do not parent her kids, no not tread over the boundaries. I let Mr H deal with her but I support him when he is stressed due to his ex.

It all works for us, we have more kids and lots more issues than you do. I strongly suggest you get some professional guidance before seriously thinking about blending your families.


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