# Helping my wife enjoy sex.



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years and been together over 10 years. We have two kids, both under 5. She stays at home and I work fairly regular hours. For a while we had a bit lull in sex but a few months ago things got a bit re-ignited when we both confessed to each other that we like to watch porn sometimes... it kind of brought to light a whole bunch of issues and since then we promised to keep to a 3/week sex schedule. There is a bunch more back story but it's not really too important I think for now.

The big thing now, is that we have sex 3 times a week which I am really happy about BUT my wife does not enjoy it. She does it because she knows I like it and I think she enjoys making me feel good, but she's not motivated to get anything out of it beyond that. She's got a small vibrator (Lelo Nea I think it's called) but she never uses it and refuses that I use it while we are doing it. I used to also always do oral for her but a while ago she stopped wanting it anymore she said it makes her nervous about yeast infections (though a couple times since I was able to go at it, she never got a yeast infection and got a nice orgasm out of it too). Also if I try to use my hands, she eventually pulls them away and just wants me to finish -- I think my technique there is not good enough or I cannot really concentrate enough while also doing other things. So essentially, other than her getting an orgasm from pure PIV (which she never does, unfortunately I either cannot last long enough or she just needs additional stimulation) she has taken away all of my ability to get her off. In our entire time knowing each other, she's only ever had two orgasms from PIV. Any other orgasms beyond that, have been from me doing oral (which she no longer wants). Oh I've also tried to get her to watch porn together to get her warmed up etc. but she really doesn't want to do that either.

SO, having said the above, I am not surprised sex isn't something she looks forward to each time. She gets nothing out of it. BUT, she's also not letting me improve the experience. We do massages before, she's not very touchy/feely so there isn't too much kissing or making out but she's always been like that. So I am quite limited in terms of getting her aroused. When I ask her about what I can do, she says she really doesn't care to get anything more out of it and she's fine with it this way and that it's her problem and it's not a big deal. And although she doesn't enjoy/look forward to the sex she does kind of try to make it fun and enjoyable for me and she's not just dead weight... it's definitely a massive improvement and starting to get better (more along the lines of when we first started).

About once or twice a month though when I'm away or at work or something she does find the time to get in a few minutes of porn and masturbation to get herself off. Which is totally cool, I just wish she had some desire to get more benefit from having sex with me because that would really make it better for the both of us. For the time being I often feel like I am just using her?

So aside from what I have tried already, is there anything else you can recommend to try and get her an orgasm? I wish I could last longer with PIV, on a *good day* I can probably get in about 5 minutes at the MOST of continuous thrusting etc.... rest of the time I have to take a break, change position, etc. to keep things from ending. On a bad day I sometimes can only last less than a minute. I've looked at different PE guides and things are improving a little on my end... but I would just feel way better if I could help her get more out of it. I've talked to her about it a few times but yea, each time she just says it's not something she cares about... but since she does find the time to get herself off every month or so then it shows she does in fact enjoy it, so why is she resisting to me helping her out?

Rather than trying to change her mind, I would love to just find some sneaky way to get her off   Then maybe she would start to clue in.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For now just focus on the PE issue and work on yourself.

Getting her off shouldn't be your goal. Good, long lasting, connected love making should be your goal (being able to provide that to her, I mean). She still may not be into it but you should work on that for yourself anyway because if you can last longer, YOU will have better sex.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Can I ask if you think she is to timid to masturbate in front of you and/or to have you bring her to orgasm? Maybe in her mind she thinks it takes to long for her...IDK..


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

over20 said:


> Can I ask if you think she is to timid to masturbate in front of you and/or to have you bring her to orgasm? Maybe in her mind she thinks it takes to long for her...IDK..


Well on her own, it takes her like 3-4 minutes to get off (while watching porn). It's a different kind of stimulation though, I know, since she knows precisely how to do it plus the visuals and so on. Still I would hope like 5-7 minutes with me could do the trick, but no go. 

She definitely is not comfortable with masturbating in front of me or touching herself etc. She wants me to be in the driver's seat, which I am fine with... but I am just not getting any results for her. 

And yea she did say before she's kind of embarrassed and feels guilty etc. etc. about me going down on her and so on. But after being together 10+ years I don't quite understand it, sometimes I worry she's not being honest about it I guess and maybe there is some other reason.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Was she like this before you got married? I mean did she enjoy oral done to her? Why do you think she associates yeast infections with oral or could that be an excuse?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

over20 said:


> Was she like this before you got married? I mean did she enjoy oral done to her? Why do you think she associates yeast infections with oral or could that be an excuse?


Well when we first started, I would almost always go down on her first and after she got off then I would do my thing. Once in a while, she would in fact get yeast infections but I think that wasn't always the result of the oral, could have been a lot of factors...

She definitely enjoyed it then, the orgasms were good and honestly for me at times I would be fine if that is ALL we did... I mean I really REALLY enjoy her getting off and just seeing it all. I tell her this often... 

So, yea now more and more it's starting to feel like an excuse... but WHY? I mean WHY would she not want to get an orgasm? We had done it many times before, I tell her I really enjoy it, it's almost a guaranteed orgasm as I had done a lot of research back in the day at getting good at it... so I just really don't understand why? And now matter how hard I try, I can't get a straight answer to that... 

The only reason I can think of, is maybe she feels that if I give her oral then she has no excuse not to enjoy sex... Which I don't know it's a pretty far fetched thing but I'm running out of ideas


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You sound like a very loving husband and it does seem that your wife loves you and cares about how you feel. The fact that she cares about how you feel is your path to improving things with her.

She is looking at sex very differently. To her, your desire for sex is more like wanting a back scratch. And though there probably are times that it is just that, wanting to get off, she doesn't understand the full meaning of sex from a husbands perspective. 

Let's say she cooks dinner every night and every night you come to the table hungry for food. She serves hot dogs and Mac and cheese. "Food! Yeah!" Some nights she prepares a fantastic meal. "Food! Yeah!" Would she expect a different response from you on the gourmet night than on the Mac and cheese night?

On the gourmet night, she would no doubt expect you to show a great deal more interest and satisfaction while eating, right? But what if you didn't? What if you dutifully ate the meal the same as you ate the Mac and cheese? What if you told her you had no need of such a fine meal and that Mac and cheese (or the equivalent) each and every night would be satisfactory? How often would she WANT to go to the bother of a gourmet meal?

Okay, reading back over this I don't think I've made as much sense as I intended to... 

She needs to understand that for you, sex is sharing. It's not about getting off. It's about delighting in one another, it's about reacting and responding to one another's touch. While it's okay to occasionally "just be a willing, available receptacle" it cannot be the rule.

Having said that, there are other issues going on that are probably solvable with honesty, on both of your parts.

When raising little ones, it's common for women to loose their sex drive. Maybe this loss is a combination of factors each of which need to be acknowledged and worked on.

Passivity, dominance, equality.
If she is the SAHM then she has become the dominant force within the home. You follow her lead in terms of child care, chores, outings, social engagements... For some women, not all but some, they feel this loss of balance in terms of a loss of attraction. I don't know if this is an issue for her but it was for me, among the many...

Touched out!
Raising little ones takes so damn much energy. Constantly eyeballing them, always touching them or having them always touching her. It's a loss of autonomy. She is no longer a person but a mother. Hell she can even go to the bathroom by herself in peace! There is no easy fix for this. It takes time, just plain time to get through it.

Mothers are not horny women.
It's very difficult to reconcile the role of motherhood and put it into perspective. To remember what it was like before kids when she was the hot girl friend or the hot bride. Now she is mother, 24/7/365. The best way to reconnect with the hot girlfriend is regular trips out of the house without the kids. Date nights, weekends away, only when the kids are safely in the care of others and she is away from the home can she reconnect to the woman she was before kids.

I don't think your technique has anything to do with her willingness to let go, become aroused and have an orgasm. It's what's going on in her attraction to you, how she views herself and how she views sex in general.

I agree with FaithfulWife though, stop worrying too much about her orgasm. Focus on getting in touch with the woman she was before kids.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

With two little ones under five could she be experiencing any depression?..... It also can be very, very hard sometimes to go from "mommy in the kitchen" to "freak in the sheets"


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I hope you don't mind but i had another thought. Do you think she is having Performance anxiety with you? It might explain why she has success solo. If so, can you think back to something that may have been a trigger?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

over20 said:


> I hope you don't mind but i had another thought. Do you think she is having Performance anxiety with you? It might explain why she has success solo. If so, can you think back to something that may have been a trigger?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought of this too. After the early busy life with kids and work we both started to just relax and have fun (and don't be in a hurry which is the problem with kids around).

But I also started to focus on her and what felt good (even a good head rub or hair brushing) and guess what? Some really nice responses. I don't know how long it has been since she DIDN'T have more than one O. My goal is to make sure she is happy and then I'm happy. Hope this makes sense.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

mpgunner said:


> I thought of this too. After the early busy life with kids and work we both started to just relax and have fun (and don't be in a hurry which is the problem with kids around).
> 
> But I also started to focus on her and what felt good (even a good head rub or hair brushing) and guess what? Some really nice responses. I don't know how long it has been since she DIDN'T have more than one O. My goal is to make sure she is happy and then I'm happy. Hope this makes sense.


That definitely makes sense, I think the problem for me is that I'm not really getting any feedback from her in terms of what she likes. I am trying really hard to just notice on my own, but it's difficult sometimes. When I ask her what she likes, she just basically says she doesn't like anything or doesn't care to etc. Even when I asked about position, she said she has no preference they all feel the same... so I don't know, it's tricky for sure. I am trying to be more receptive on what she likes but not getting too far with it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

James2020 said:


> That definitely makes sense, I think the problem for me is that I'm not really getting any feedback from her in terms of what she likes. I am trying really hard to just notice on my own, but it's difficult sometimes. When I ask her what she likes, she just basically says she doesn't like anything or doesn't care to etc. Even when I asked about position, she said she has no preference they all feel the same... so I don't know, it's tricky for sure. I am trying to be more receptive on what she likes but not getting too far with it.


Have you and her ruled out depression or anxiety?:scratchhead: Maybe she needs to see her gynecologist for a full hormone/blood work up....it might be that simple...IDK?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

the sex you describe seems very vaginally oriented. Maybe that is not what turns her on.

Try a full body massage, hot oil, candles, soft music. Try to get her to orgasm only by rubbing her breasts. Try to find all the zones on her body, besides that between her legs, that turn her on. 

After you have her motor revving THAT way, THEN insert the member to finish the deed. 

You may find she suddenly LOVES sex with you again.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> the sex you describe seems very vaginally oriented. Maybe that is not what turns her on.
> 
> Try a full body massage, hot oil, candles, soft music. Try to get her to orgasm only by rubbing her breasts. Try to find all the zones on her body, besides that between her legs, that turn her on.
> 
> ...


That's the thing though, I try these different things but she doesn't seem to be into it. If anything she kind of gets frustrated that it's taking too long. She does like the massages for the massage relief alone, which I am happy about since I can tell her back is tense etc. But it seems that there is no carryover to any sort of further arousal, it's really strictly just a back massage.

As for the other comment above, about depression/anxiety -- yes she has always had anxiety since we met actually and she's been on medications for a couple of years now which has helped her a lot in her everyday (much more relaxed etc.). I suppose it's possible the medications are having an effect, but I think what I am finding the most difficult is that when I ask her and talk to her about it she just seems to not care to get anything further from sex or make it any more enjoyable. She is perfectly OK with how things are now (or so she says), which to me is very puzzling because it wouldn't be much work to make it better... but yea, for some reason there is a block happening there.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

James2020 said:


> That's the thing though, I try these different things but she doesn't seem to be into it. If anything she kind of gets frustrated that it's taking too long. She does like the massages for the massage relief alone, which I am happy about since I can tell her back is tense etc. But it seems that there is no carryover to any sort of further arousal, it's really strictly just a back massage.
> 
> As for the other comment above, about depression/anxiety -- yes she has always had anxiety since we met actually and she's been on medications for a couple of years now which has helped her a lot in her everyday (much more relaxed etc.). I suppose it's possible the medications are having an effect, but I think what I am finding the most difficult is that when I ask her and talk to her about it she just seems to not care to get anything further from sex or make it any more enjoyable. She is perfectly OK with how things are now (or so she says), which to me is very puzzling because it wouldn't be much work to make it better... but yea, for some reason there is a block happening there.


Can you pin point a month/year or event that may have been a trigger for her to change?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

over20 said:


> Can you pin point a month/year or event that may have been a trigger for her to change?


No not really... it seems that slowly, year over year it just eroded away... Definitely each of the kids being born were both big events that really put the brakes on the sex life, but then a few months ago we really seem to have gotten the spark back. Though when I say that, I guess I got more of the spark back and she just agreed to be accommodating (I think she feels guilty about the fact that she watches porn once in a while and gets off, so she agrees to the 3x/week sex because she knows it makes me feel good and so on). I could be wrong of course, but just things going in my head.

But yea, I mean when I think back I can't remember when she finally put a stop to the oral sex... it definitely was something to do with a yeast infection or something like that, but she used to get them a lot more back then from other things as now she doesn't get them at all even when I did manage to go down on her a couple of times over the last year or so.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

James2020 said:


> No not really... it seems that slowly, year over year it just eroded away... Definitely each of the kids being born were both big events that really put the brakes on the sex life, but then a few months ago we really seem to have gotten the spark back. Though when I say that, I guess I got more of the spark back and she just agreed to be accommodating (I think she feels guilty about the fact that she watches porn once in a while and gets off, so she agrees to the 3x/week sex because she knows it makes me feel good and so on). I could be wrong of course, but just things going in my head.
> 
> But yea, I mean when I think back I can't remember when she finally put a stop to the oral sex... it definitely was something to do with a yeast infection or something like that, but she used to get them a lot more back then from other things as now she doesn't get them at all even when I did manage to go down on her a couple of times over the last year or so.




Maybe that's it then, maybe that is the mental block. She might be scared she will get one from oral or that she might not taste/smell the same because she may have had one OR is getting one...:scratchhead: Is she susceptible to them? If she uses a lot of feminine cleaning products those can trigger one. The vagina is a self cleaning area and does NOT need to be cleansed with products. My doctor has told me this, and in any women's reproductive health book it is mentioned.

What could be a medium ground that you think she and you could agree on? Maybe you and her could enjoy manual stimulation of her clitoris to start?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

over20 said:


> Maybe that's it then, maybe that is the mental block. She might be scared she will get one from oral or that she might not taste/smell the same because she may have had one OR is getting one...:scratchhead: Is she susceptible to them? If she uses a lot of feminine cleaning products those can trigger one. The vagina is a self cleaning area and does NOT need to be cleansed with products. My doctor has told me this, and in any women's reproductive health book it is mentioned.
> 
> What could be a medium ground that you think she and you could agree on? Maybe you and her could enjoy manual stimulation of her clitoris to start?


She definitely used to be a lot more susceptible to getting them, but for the last couple of years it has been totally fine and she very rarely gets them now, maybe once a year. So I think whatever was causing it has been resolved, whether it be diet or cleaning products or whatever. She did in fact say that this is why she doesn't want oral, but I just figured with it being OK for a couple of years it would be worth a try and like I said the couple of times that I did go down on her she was completely fine. On my end I do extra brushing of teeth and tongue and everything beforehand to ensure I'm not contributing anything, perhaps that was helpful as well.

To answer your second question, it's a tricky one. It's tricky because it's a bit of a challenge to have to think about the fact that we are looking for a middle ground between her not getting orgasms and her getting orgasms. And maybe it really isn't about orgasms, I guess the O is an easy checkmark to put beside "successful sex" each time... and without it, I always feel like she has done her part and I haven't done my part. So to find a middle ground there is difficult, I really just want her to truly and legitimately be enjoying the time we have together when we have sex. For me it's about a lot more than the O, but I think for her it's mostly just to please me and move on. And I guess from my perspective, whether she realizes it or not, she deserves a lot more from that experience than what she is getting and I am sure if she opened up a bit to it we can get there and she would legitimately enjoy sex and look forward to it rather than just be a willing participant in getting me off.

Hope that makes sense, it's difficult to keep these replies short


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

No worries with a long post. I am going to share a little about me, maybe it will make sense maybe not. When I am making love with hubs I do not feel that I HAVE to orgasm every time, I feel very satisfied if I do or if I don't. It feels great of course but, say it's a quickie and I O, no worries on my end. I am happy if he does and sometimes he doesn't. I have noticed that in his mind my O is the means to an end. We have talked about this. Is that how you feel too? I have told him over and over I am happy if it happens and if it doesn't. 

Could it be that your wife is easy to please? Maybe she loves fulfilling your needs by making love and she also feels joy from it. Maybe she is content but not in a negative way, a calm way....

I do understand how you would love to give her the O and/or watch her O ..my husband is the same way....that I think needs to be discussed with her lovingly...

Is she able to O from her g-spot?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Thanks a lot for sharing, that always helps to see some other perspectives into perhaps a similar situation.

What I find different here, is that I do not think she really enjoys sex all that much. She has never been a really hugs and kisses kind of girl, but she used to at least get more into it in bed. Now though, she admits she simply doesn't really enjoy sex all that much... it just feels OK for her, and she would feel fine skipping it. 

So for me the whole idea of the O just came as a result of "well yea she doesn't like it because she doesn't get anything from it" and I figured if I could get her to O again it might motivate her to get more into it. 

But at the same time I have to give her credit, she really has been trying to get more into it lately and I can see some progress... the comparison would be, she used to really be bummed out that it's "sex night" and now she's not bummed out.. she's just neutral about it. I think once or twice I even saw a glimmer of excitement hah (during ovulation of course). It may not seem like much, but it's massive progress from where I'm standing. 

So anyway just figuring out ways to make it more enjoyable for her I think will give that little extra boost to keep momentum on her improvements. If she would just be a little more open about it, but maybe I am being impatient and she will get there and start to open up. I'm very proud of her progress and definitely do not want to hinder that, which is why I'm here asking for some additional suggestions.

As for the g-spot question, I have no idea and I think she has no idea either  The two times she's had an orgasm from PIV, it could have been that... but all other times it was clitoral.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Are you guys able to go out to a hotel once in a while or have the kids spend the night somewhere else? That might let her relax completely and let loose...


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Let's also not forget the obvious. The better in shape you are (both) the better sex is. Cardio works wonders...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

May I suggest taking this online quiz. It may help the two of you start to understand each other a little better. There is a poster on TAM named Cuddlebug. He and his wife each took the quiz. They printed and posted their result in a place (I think it was the fridge) where each spouse would be reminded of what they needed from the other. I think it is a superb idea.


Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

mpgunner said:


> Let's also not forget the obvious. The better in shape you are (both) the better sex is. Cardio works wonders...


:iagree: endorphins are your best friend


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I have a friend who has a similar agreement with her DH. They agreed to 3x/week. Her drive is much lower but she's never put a number to it. She prides herself on taking care of his sexual needs. She wants him to be happy. He also makes it difficult on her when she doesn't feel like it or when she tells him she doesn't want to try for the o.

He thinks it's easier if she has a few drinks first but the situation she finds herself in is that she feels pressure to orgasm. She feels pressured to go through his whole 2 hour deal because she wants him to be happy. 

If left on her own she would probably try for o a lot less. She would be happy with 'quickies' where he got off but she didn't. To hear her talk about it, it almost seems like she orgasms for his benefit and not her own. 

I can't speak to any of that, my situation is different. However sex still feels good and sex is still nice if you don't have o. You've been more than compliant with your wife to work on this issue with her. If it doesn't mean that much to her then it doesn't. 

I think the common thread that runs through a lot of stories here is - how can we make our partners want what we want? Not do it because we persuaded them to or do it because they feel like anass if they don't. Really truly wanting it.


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