# Divorce Now Final - Feeling Very Down



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I don't know what it is, but I suppose it's the simple memory and reflection on the last 1.5 years of my life now that divorce is final.

Whilst I have a wonderful girlfriend, the innocence and fantasy associated with your first marriage and first true love simply isn't there and I dare say never will be again.

I desperately miss feeling safe, happy and content, an unending love for my partner. I don't think I will ever love someone the same. And that makes me desperately sad and quite depressed.

Yes, I'm sure things will get better, but I just can't imagine being truly accepting and appreciative of a life and love that does not have the same feel to it.

I don't know if I will ever be deeply happy again.


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## MarieB (May 27, 2015)

I totally understand. I am in the midst of a separation from my HS sweetheart of 18+ years and believe me I understand where you're coming from. I don't have any advice to offer unfortunately, (I can't even help myself right now lol) but I just wanted to say hang in there...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Surprisingly, you very well can and may be happier than that again. You will feel safe and secure, within your self. That's what's important, because we cannot know what the future holds. Yes, it's tough. Yes it hurts terribly. Yes it feels like the end, but the end of one thing is actually the beginning of something new and if you let it, exciting. 

You won't want the same love with someone else. You will want what you both want. In other words, she will want some things different to your first wife. You will too. So, it's not all bad once you get past the first part. I know you can and will. I believe you will find happiness and it will be more satisfying than it was in the past, because it will be more mature and therefore more complete. Keep going. Don't let this stop such great progress so far.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

Every divorced person I know has a wonderful life with a new husband/wife. They are very happy and glad they divorced. It will get better now that you have practiced and know what you want.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Surprisingly, you very well can and may be happier than that again. You will feel safe and secure, within your self. That's what's important, because we cannot know what the future holds. Yes, it's tough. Yes it hurts terribly. Yes it feels like the end, but the end of one thing is actually the beginning of something new and if you let it, exciting.
> 
> You won't want the same love with someone else. You will want what you both want. In other words, she will want some things different to your first wife. You will too. So, it's not all bad once you get past the first part. I know you can and will. I believe you will find happiness and it will be more satisfying than it was in the past, because it will be more mature and therefore more complete. Keep going. Don't let this stop such great progress so far.


Thanks. I feel better today. After a 11 months with my GF, we have decided to move in together.

It doesn't feel the same, and I still have some barriers up, and I'm not and physically attracted to this woman as my wife but I just know there is something great ahead for us.

I have decided to forge ahead and move her in with me. We spend every night together so it's time to take another shaky step forward in my life.

It's a shame it isn't the same romantic story as my first marriage but that's life.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Try to let go and live your life that way it is playing out. My timelines are similar to yours. My divorce will be finalized in a few weeks. The moment I just started living the life I had instead of thinking about lost time or remembering my old life, the stronger I got. I'm moving on because I refuse to let my old life prevent me from being the happiest I can be.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

poida said:


> Thanks. I feel better today. After a 11 months with my GF, we have decided to move in together.
> 
> It doesn't feel the same, and I still have some barriers up, and I'm not and physically attracted to this woman as my wife but I just know there is something great ahead for us.
> 
> ...


There is definitely an absence of a certain feeling that was always present in my marriage. I am truly happy with my post-divorce life, and even though it is not the ideal place I wanted to be in life I have made the best I can with it, which provides a certain positive feeling I never would have had if I had never been married then divorced. My new relationship is very satisfying and pleasurable, and her and I make great partners, but there is no drive in either of us to ever do the traditional wedding ceremony ever again - There is certainly a romantic element missing from life that I had when I was younger, but I just chalk this up to maturity and going through life more than anything - just as we shed the innocence of childhood as we grow into adults.

As for comparing your level of physical attraction of your GF to your ex, I strongly advise to not even make that comparison in your head. And do not ever let her get wind of this thought. They are not the same people and it is not a competition, you are either incredibly attracted to your new GF or not, and if you doubt your sexual attraction for her I'd suggest considering what your long term intentions with her are and make a choice sooner rather than later.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Wow. Tough day. Saw my ex-wife at a social event at the yacht club. She bought her new fiancée along. After less than 3 months after her divorce, she is engaged. 
I had a pretty hard time staying calm.
She was being a real b^tch. Making a lot of noise and laughing particularly loud knowing that I was right there. As always, pretending that everything is just perfect when underneath I could tell she was very uncomfortable. Mostly though, she seriously went out of her way to make the impression of "I'm better than you, look at me, I'm engaged already".
And today, well, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this pent up frustration....
Glad I've got counselling tonight.
I can't keep hanging onto this bitterness.
It is only bringing me down. 
It's a hard thing to let go though.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

poida said:


> And today, well, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this pent up frustration....


I'm not trying to be glib or make light, but my first thought was to hang a punching bag in the basement and tape a picture of your ex on it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I feel your pain. My D was final 7/29. He wanted it - so he could be with the OW he met last September. I didn't. I'm struggling with the notion of being a single Mom to a teenage boy - and a single anything - after 27 years together, 25 married.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I completely get the engagement angst - I expect that will be the next blow I'll have to endure, as well.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

OnTheFly said:


> I'm not trying to be glib or make light, but my first thought was to hang a punching bag in the basement and tape a picture of your ex on it.


Not really my style and really not sure it will help but thanks for the suggestion.

I need to get to a point where I "don't care" any more.

It's more about moving on than anything.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

poida said:


> Wow. Tough day. Saw my ex-wife at a social event at the yacht club. She bought her new fiancée along. After *less than 3 months after her divorce, she is engaged*.
> I had a pretty hard time staying calm.
> She was being a real b^tch. Making a lot of noise and laughing particularly loud knowing that I was right there. As always, pretending that everything is just perfect when underneath I could tell she was very uncomfortable. Mostly though, she seriously went out of her way to make the impression of "I'm better than you, look at me, I'm engaged already".
> And today, well, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this pent up frustration....
> ...


Because she left you for him. Nothing you can do other live well.
Work on being the best version of yourself. Hit the gym, work on a goal. Go travel. In other words get busy with life.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

poida said:


> Not really my style and really not sure it will help but thanks for the suggestion.
> 
> I need to get to a point where I "don't care" any more.
> 
> It's more about moving on than anything.


Fair enough, but I know for me, if I reach your level of pent up frustration I need to explode it in a safe (for everybody) direction.

Stay strong!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I might have asked her if she finally closed the chapter on her ex-bf that she cheated with (she had "unfinished issues" there if I remember correct) as it wouldn't be fair to her wonderful fiancé. And I would have done this in front of the fiancé saying to him you seem like a nice guy.

Or is the fiancé the ex-bf? In which case I would have said I am glad you two finally resolved your "unfinished issues".

And I will probably get pulverised for saying this, but - don't settle for your current gf. If you are not attracted to her then it will come back later to bite both of you in the butt. It would be unfair to her and to yourself.


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## foolishheart (Jul 15, 2015)

Don't settle. Just don't ever settle.....


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I might have asked her if she finally closed the chapter on her ex-bf that she cheated with (she had "unfinished issues" there if I remember correct) as it wouldn't be fair to her wonderful fiancé. And I would have done this in front of the fiancé saying to him you seem like a nice guy.
> 
> Or is the fiancé the ex-bf? In which case I would have said I am glad you two finally resolved your "unfinished issues".
> 
> And I will probably get pulverised for saying this, but - don't settle for your current gf. If you are not attracted to her then it will come back later to bite both of you in the butt. It would be unfair to her and to yourself.


Yeah it's the same guy.

My counsellor said something funny like that as well. He said I should have introduced myself, told him he seems like a nice guy, that my ex has done well and and sorry for the situation he is in..... lol....
'
In counselling yesterday, I came to realise that I could disassociate myself from the person I was with my wife from the person I am now. And I feel like I can sort of comfort my old self, tell him it's OK, you'll be fine. Kind of a good place to be.

Regarding my GF, well all that has changed now.

I came to realise all the feelings and projections I had toward her were my anxiety about opening up and committing again. I can feel that clearly now every time I am experiencing them and I know how to handle them now.

I am so much calmer about the whole situation now. It's incredible how quickly things change once you realise things.

I feel pretty stupid now though. Everything I have ever said about my GF in the past seems totally stupid and irrelevant. I think she's an amazing person and I'm very lucky to have her. Obviously she's not a supermodel (few of us are) but that really is the last thing on my mind now. It really isn't important and I think she is a better person for it. I find her very attractive now, both physically and emotionally. She is beating me off with a stick at the moment.

It's going great and I'm very lucky.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

And no, I certainly don't feel like I'm settling at all. 
If I felt that way now, I would definitely call it off.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

poida said:


> Wow. Tough day. Saw my ex-wife at a social event at the yacht club. She bought her new fiancée along. After less than 3 months after her divorce, she is engaged.
> I had a pretty hard time staying calm.
> She was being a real b^tch. Making a lot of noise and laughing particularly loud knowing that I was right there. As always, pretending that everything is just perfect when underneath I could tell she was very uncomfortable. Mostly though, she seriously went out of her way to make the impression of "I'm better than you, look at me, I'm engaged already".
> And today, well, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this pent up frustration....
> ...


Do you have a wedding gift picked out for them yet?

I think you should send a couple of these to them...

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

One for each of them. They'll probably need it.

:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:

If at all possible, make sure that they open it in front of EVERYBODY.


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