# Is this Normal?



## Debra.Byrnes (Nov 14, 2020)

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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you ever been happy with your husband? Ever had the butterfly feeling (and no, that doesn't last forever)? Ever been excited to come home to him? 

You can get back to those feelings but you and your husband both have to put in the work. 

You need to start making time for each other. You need to start acting like you love each other, even if you don't feel it in the moment because the feelings usually follow the action. When thoughts of other men come up, you need to shut them down rather than feeding into them. 

I would suggest reading His Needs Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages. For the 5 Love Languages, you can do the quiz here. I would also suggest finding a marriage counselor, probably one who does EFT.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Start with some marriage counselling and go from there. Stop thinking about other men as well, we really can control what we let ourselves think about .
Marriage isnt all roses and rainbows, you have small children to think about as well, make the effort for them. Try and arrange a regular date night if you can get a sitter. 
You say you both have demanding careers, is there something you can do to make them a bit less demanding? Say cutting the hours a bit or looking for less demanding jobs? With three small children life is tiring enough without demanding jobs as well.


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## Anthony78 (Nov 18, 2020)

Wow, its almost like I was reading a post that my wife might have written. She says the exact same things to me. No excitement, not missing me, etc. I am moving out at the end of the month for a trial separation as she says she needs space to think about things. If your husband is truly in love with you tell him what you're feeling and tell him what you need. Don't keep it to yourself, it causes so much damage to not only him but you as well. You have to be able to open up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If there is always friction, I wouldn't stay for the kids because that friction affects them. It also teaches them how to be when they choose mates. 

It's frankly not likely that you will end up with a new fairytale husband, however. So I think it all comes down to if you want to be alone and have more time to yourself or not. Some people would rather have someone in the house, even somewhat unpleasant, than to be alone and just the kids. 

But if you do decide to leave, definitely insist on 50/50 child custody so you have a chance to HAVE a life and relax some and have date and leisure time. 

Don't go into it thinking that the odds are you will find a more ideal keeper though. Sure, you can have some fun dating, but honestly, once you have kids, that fairytale gets more and more unlikely, though sure, sometimes a second marriage can happen that works well. But I'm sure you've heard the odds on that. 

Sounds like what you may need is more time apart, more space, so yes, in a way, this could be Covid-related. Maybe if you both took up hobbies, separate or together, it would add a dimension to your marriage as you'd both be interested in something and life would be a little more stimulating. Good luck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> I have pondered divorce for a while now but have never been sure if the root cause of my unhappiness is my relationship with my husband or with the stress of this time in our lives. We have three young children and we both have demanding careers which means very little time for fun. It’s all routines and every day feels like a repeat of the last.
> 
> When I think about our relationship, I don’t really feel anything. I don’t miss him when he’s gone and I’m not excited to see him when I get home from work. We’re very opposite in most ways and there is always friction between us on decisions big and small. I can’t say that I enjoy the intimacy either or that it really does much for me. I* also find myself thinking of other men regularly, though I have never cheated and would never cheat.* I want to feel like I’m on the same page with my partner, I want to light up when I see my partner and miss him when he is away. He is a great father and is also a dedicated husband - I know he loves me. This blah feeling isn’t what I envisioned for marriage but I don’t know if I’m just fantasizing about a mystical world of marriage that doesn’t exist in real life.
> 
> ...


Actually, you are cheating right now (from your other thread) - you are in an emotional affair with a married man!


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