# Need a new perspective!



## Traveled (Jul 6, 2012)

Hey guys...I just need a new perspective on this situation. Okay, I am 23 years old. I've been married to someone I consider my best friend since I was 19. When we got married, in a nutshell, it was because we loved each other, but also because it was convenient. Well, for me anyhow. When we were dating he was influenced by his parents to not accept just cohabitation, and we also had the same hobbies and interests as well as were both attending school, so the shared benefits attracted us as well. At the time though, I loved and cared for him very much, I just did not think I was ready to be married, or really even knew if I understood the meaning of marriage in my own life. Anyway, to begin the real story, my husband has always, throughout our entire relationship, been very good to me but also very flirty with others. It has been to the point where it has felt very disrespectful. Because of this, I pushed myself further and further away from him romantically in my mind as to not receive further hurt. We have maintained an awesome friendship though, it just feels like the relationship part is tainted. We have had very good and far reaching sexual experiences, so its not like he's frustrated. I also recently found out he cheated on me many months ago, and the only reason he told me was because I was about to find out another way. I found myself not hurting at all from it, just disappointed he did not tell me sooner. I find myself really caring for him, and would do anything for him, but I feel like my lack of care for the relationship part makes it unfair for me to keep going on in it. We have very good communication and I have explained this to him. He doesn't feel like we should separate. I just find myself wanting freedom more and more, and honestly not feeling like marriage is something I really belong in right now. Aside from this, I've slowly felt more freedom in attraction for other people. Not another relationship at all, just attraction and a need for just some great friendships. I want to be as honest as possible to my husband and I don't feel fair being in a relationship with him feeling this way. I feel guilty for wanting to separate, but should I really feel that way after what he's done? I feel like he would still remain my best friend...I'm just feeling like the relationship half of our time together is just ruining things further. I don't want to pursue a relationship with anyone else, I just feel like I need freedom. I have no ill feelings toward him. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I guess that's a very general question, but I just need a bit of advice.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, you are very young. Nineteen is very young to get married, and I think you are feeling the repercussions of that.

What are you doing about school? Are you in college, or in any kind of vocational training program?


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## Traveled (Jul 6, 2012)

I really do think it is possible to be too young to be married, yet I don't really know when its the right time either. So I think you're right about that. I just feel like maybe I'm not that sort of person in addition. Yes, I do computer info systems/tech, networking etc., as a study, as well as working with scuba.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Hello traveled,

You are definately at a crossroads in your life. It is good to question which way to go and I think you have found a resourceful place to ask your questions. There are lots of good people on this board that will most liekly have some advice.

I think you need to step back and think about what YOU want. If you work on what you need and make yourself better regardless of how things turn out you will land on your feet. I understand the best friend aspect but I beleive a good/best freind has your best interests in mind as well as their own. Which a spouse should be closer than a best friend in my opinion. Doesn't sound like he feels the same about you if he cheated.

Step back and review the facts of what happened. If I'm not mistaken, if they cheat once they are most likely going to do it again. Maybe next time you won't be so melow about it.

Just my two cents.

Shoeguy


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Traveled said:


> ……I also recently found out he cheated on me many months ago, and the only reason he told me was because I was about to find out another way. I found myself not hurting at all from it….


Looks like you took your marriage a lot seriously than he did. If he was flirting with girls right in front of you and only informs you of his infidelity because you were going to find from someone else it means he never cared about your feelings and i doubt that he really loved you to begin with. Shoe guy is right. He will cheat again. The only thing you can do is protect yourself. At the very least you need to be away from such person who gives you so much grief.

Wow, after everything this jerk has done to you, i don't sense even a little bit of hostility from you towards him. You must be one of those genuinely nice girls i keep hearing about. And fate had you end up with this guy. Life just isn't fair. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would guess that it's not just that you were so young. If your husand had not been so interested in other women you probably would not have pulled away as you did.

Then his cheating is icing on the cake. While you might not have reacted as strongly as some do to the infidelity, it seems that over time your subconious is reacting. Thus you are pulling more and more away from him. This is not unusual, especially since it seems that the two of you did little to nothing to work in affair proofing your marriage for the future.

Couples who marry befor 25 years old are highly likely to divorce. ?About 64% of all women who marry before age 25 get divorced. For men it's about the same percentage of those who get married before age 30.

It's not like the old days where very young people are married off and expected to stay married for life.

It sounds to me like your attachment and love for your husband has been seriously damaged by his infidelity. Like many betrayed spouses you might not be able to keep going in this marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I hear someone say they "married their best friend", I cringe. Why? Not because I hate best friends or that I think being a best friend isn't important in marriage, but the word "LOVER" is never said.

I married my LOVER. Which is my best friend...but he is my lover.

You are young. Your frontal lobe of your brain isn't even developed yet. That being said, many of your decisions won't be solid or good. It sounds like you are coming out of the fog of "YAY! I'm an ADULT!" and realizing the world is bigger than your backyard.


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