# One of them really hard days . . .



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So today is one of those days I barely made it through. Always happens, I think I'm doing okay, accepted my fate as a soon to be divorcee and bam! I'm falling apart all over again and it feels like I'll never heal. 
Even after everything, I miss my husband. I miss him, I love him, and at the same time I am relieved to be getting out of that ****ed up family. Nothing but a bunch of storytellers, controlling freaks, and crazies. But what hurts the most is remembering the good times and knowing he CAN be such a good person. Feeling like the him right now is not the real him. I wanted to love him forever and now I'm left hanging. 
How do we get past this hard part. Its like my heart breaks again every couple of days, and it hurts like hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

We all go thru this. Even the ones that left. I go from being almost okay to missing her badly and wanting her back. I hope your day gets better.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I hear you. "Almost okay". That's the farthest I get to, too. When will we finally be okay. You hang in there too Mizz. I miss my husband more than he could ever know. I hope he's happy now. I hope I'll be happy soon. *sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sakaye just keep your head up and know that it does get better as time goes. And it does not just disppear after the Divorce is final either. I miss my now ex wife too but dont think I would take her back after all the stuff shes done.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Sakaye, for me it was 10 weeks and then things were just cool. I still miss what I had, but I can see that what I had was not always what I wanted. After 10 weeks things just cooled out to a state of peace. Even in missing him and what we shared, I have not cried for him since that time. Other parts of life took over and I was determined to move forward. I pray that your relief and comfort will come soon.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> I hear you. "Almost okay". That's the farthest I get to, too. When will we finally be okay. You hang in there too Mizz. I miss my husband more than he could ever know. I hope he's happy now. I hope I'll be happy soon. *sigh*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When will we be okay? It has been 1 month and 19 days for me. Hopefully we will be okay soon. I mean it is bound to get better. That's what everyone says. We just have to hang in there.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Right there with ya...I left my wife 5 weeks ago for what she did, but I still miss her...my "actual" wife that is, not the new person in her body...but she's just not there. Today sucks. So did yesterday. Hoping tomorrow is better. I'm impatiently waiting for when my general mood stays the same all day, so tired of the up and down of it all. Stay strong.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Thank you everyone. I am glad I found this forum. The emptiness is lessened when I come here and see I'm not alone, and offering support to others is therapeutic. Today was a little bit of a better day, I still had some ups and downs, but I've had way worse days. I am trying to be as strong as possible, you guys/gals do the same. 
Its been 4 weeks since my husband has said that we are in no way going to be reconciling and 8 weeks since we've moved into separate apts. He asked for a divorce a month after we were married, then cut all communication with me in January - as we had a long distance marriage due to his job situation. I don't feel as crushed as I did in January, but I am not healed either. I just want the random bursts of tears and sadness to go away. It happens for no reason it seems. How does everyone keep their mind busy while in this phase? There isn't a day I don't think about him. How do I flood my mind with alternative energies? Everything is so bizarre
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I feel better after a good cry. Its like a pressure relief valve. Helll, half the time anymore that I get to that point I look forward to the relief afterwards. 
I am one month past my divorce, and have just had the inspection done on my new house. I found a foreclosure 1800sq ft on a 5000 sqft plot with 3 bedrooms plus gameroom, 2-1/2 baths, for 82K.
my payments will be a little under 800 a month. Well in line with the prices of the shyttiest apartments in this area.

The reason I say that is becuase I just wanted to stress that there is hope of good things to come. I still get to that point you are talking about, and though the reasoning for the sadness has morphed from "how could she" to "damm thats fked up", there is a flicker of power starting to build within me thats all my own, not reliant on anyone or anything other than my own whole self.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> He asked for a divorce a month after we were married, then cut all communication with me in January -


I know you are sad now but keep re-reading what you wrote. 

He did you a MAJOR favor. Better to cut it off now than 25 yrs from now and hav ehim decide he doesn't want to be married anymore. Eff him.

Keep your spirits high, buy some new lippy, smile at a hottie, and call up an old friend.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

JB - I guess you are right. Better now than investing a lifetime. I am grateful that I am still young. I met with him a few days ago to discuss custody and I broke down. I apologized like this "I'm sorry I'm having a hard time. I love you, and I just am trying to forget, so that when I look at you I feel nothing. I just want to get to that place where I can look at you, be around you, and not care, not feel a damn thing". And you know what? He started crying. I was surprised. He didn't say anything, he just started to cry. 
And now, I just want to run away. I hate being in the same town as him, as this one is really small, and I hate that his apt is 4 apts away from mine. I WANT to move on, but him being so close is not helpful in that sense, and right now this apt complex is all I can afford. 
I am starting to have some real resentment in my heart for him. I wonder how I ever fell in love with him. But that's just today, tomorrow I may wonder why we can't be together and have nothing but love for him. I really hate the yo-yo effect my emotions are going through. Its such a nightmare.
BUT, I am trying. I've lost 10lbs. - have been volunteering in my community, getting back into things that made me the old me. I lost track of myself for a while. Now I'm re-learning that I AM self-reliant. I don't have to have a man to be happy. Frankly at this point the last thing I want IS a man in my life. I told my stbx I wanted to move to another city and he was like "why, so you can find another boyfriend?" I was like what? I just told him he made the choice to let me go, so if somebody came along, well, it's thank to him. So yeah . . . . . I just want to be happy again. I want him out of my life as much as he can be. My heart needs to learn to unlove him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I know what you mean sakaye just keep your head up and know it will get better it just takes alot of time. I have so much hatred toward my exwife right now its pathetic but I cant seem to shake it.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Sakaye, that is our lot in life right now. But we will be fine, you have youth on your side and time to find another great love. I don't know what his tears meant, but obviously he has not come to his senses and tried to reconcile. So, keep your head up plan and protect yourself in this whole exercise. Do things unfamiliar. Oprah said something years ago that I have taken to heart...Only a fool does the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So do you and accept and move forward.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I was going through one of them hard days too just 3 days back. Oh my goodness, I cried so hard my head felt like it was gonna explode. And then the crying quietened down, I felt really peaceful and I fell asleep. It was strange - like one of the calmness you feel after you have good sex and you just doze off.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Suemolly said:


> I was going through one of them hard days too just 3 days back. Oh my goodness, I cried so hard my head felt like it was gonna explode. And then the crying quietened down, I felt really peaceful and I fell asleep. It was strange - like one of the calmness you feel after you have good sex and you just doze off.


Sorry, this post made me smile. Mainly because, I know what it's like to cry my eyes out till I fall asleep, and frankly, I'd rather fall asleep after really good sex. But that won't be for a long while, I'm sure!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> Sakaye, that is our lot in life right now. But we will be fine, you have youth on your side and time to find another great love. I don't know what his tears meant, but obviously he has not come to his senses and tried to reconcile. So, keep your head up plan and protect yourself in this whole exercise. Do things unfamiliar. Oprah said something years ago that I have taken to heart...Only a fool does the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So do you and accept and move forward.


:iagree:

This is awesome. I will take this to heart too. Maybe subconsciously this is why it never works out with me and men in the long run, but I can't tell. My stbx was the first man I actually _wanted_ to marry, whom I could _actually_ see spending the rest of my life with. And I feel like I robbed myself out of a beautiful life. I thought I had found someone with the same morals, same ideals. But instead found a man who's not really a man at all, but a boy, hiding behind his mommy's apron. Who wanted to be a man, but soon got whiplashed back into place by his controlling mother. I fell in love with a boy, and that's what I'm leaving behind. And I need to leave him behind. 
Lately it's been so hard. I've been caught in the emotions of what if? . . . what if he still cares? what if he really wants to be together? And I let him use me. I slept with him. How stupid. I was so weak. This was a while ago, not within the last few days, but I still feel like an idiot. I let his charm get the best of me and he knows I love him. That's the problem. He's a smart boy. ****er. 
Moving on is something I need to do more than ever. I gotta push forward and leave him behind or I'll never heal. And that is really my biggest fear. Me, not being able to move on. 
It's so depressing. I just don't know why I'm so weak. Why do I do that when I know, for a fact, that I NEED to move on. Why do I let his sweet talk get to me. Why do I crave his touch so much? I hate being a sucker. I just hope I'm stronger in the future.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Today is another toughie. I just got up and immediately started balling. And I'm so upset at myself for not being able to feel differently. I wish I could be more like him . . . uncaring and detached.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So, its 4am right now. I woke up to feed my baby, and now that he's gone to sleep, I'm left awake feeling a sort of loss. After we first brought home our son, we would wake up together, and after the baby fell asleep we'd cuddle and talk and fall asleep in each other's arms. 
However sad I am today, I did something a little different than usual. I told myself to stop. In my head I gave myself a pep talk . . .
"Just stop it already. He doesn't love you anymore, obviously. He made the choice to leave you. Don't give him any satisfaction. Be as he is. Uncaring. Move on. Don't waste anymore tears or any more grief on this man, because you KNOW, you're worth so much more than he could ever give. And being mopey and sad doesn't do anything. It will never bring back the husband you once had. Don't waste any more pieces of yourself feeling depressed on account of this douche. One day, maybe not soon enough, he will get what he deserves. And the taste will be oh so sweet when it happens. But for now, it's all about you and the kids . . . . "
So, I actually feel better a little. And sleepy again. It used to be that I'd wake up and have anxiety. 
Goodnight ya'll. I hope this pep talk will last . . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I'm well past that. I'm going on 10 months. And everyday it's a challenge. I feel so defeated in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Sakaye, I am having one of those days today.  ...I felt i was doing fine and getting better over the weekend and then this morning i have to go back to the house we once shared to bring my kids back to her. I felt like i was gonna have a panic attack on my way there and once i left and got to work i was a mess. I fought for 2 hours at work to not just lose it and start crying, but i just couldn't handle being at work. I just got home and cried my eyes out and now i'm looking for some relief on TAM. It makes me feel better to be able to talk about my situation with people who are going through the same thing as me.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I too am having a very hard day today. After a week of being strong and level headed, today I am a crying sad mess. 

I have been trying the 180 and NC with my STBXH but on Friday I needed to email him about 3 months of bank statements from his business for the bank due to our short sale on our home. 

Once I received the statements and looked the business account over, I realized he was paying power, water and cable bills for his tramp. He has not paid me anything in 8 weeks. I went ballistic. Called him, texted, and had an ugly email exchange with him. Told him his father would be rolling over in his grave knowing he was treating his wife and daughter so badly.

The guilt must have work. When I got home Friday night, he was at the house writing me a check. The amount was not everything but enough for me to pay the mortgage.

D went with him this weekend while I went out to the movies and joined a divorce support group. 

On Sunday, he dropped D home and left without coming in to get his mail/etc. 

Today, I am very sad. I am hurt that our 15 yr marriage has ended. I am hurt that he is involved with this tramp. 

I have cried all morninig and closed the door to my office a few times in order to sob.

In spite of the affairs, I am missing him today and really would love to talk to him but I know that I can't. 

I wonder if the Wayward spouses get this down and sad? I wonder if he yearns to talk to me. Since he has not made any contact with me, I doubt it.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I wonder if the leavers ever wondering if they have done the right thing. Do they miss us and think how it could have been even though they left for someone else?


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

I am reading the women's perspective in these posts. Believe me...it happens to guys, too.

The only advice I can give is to swap the emotional roller coaster for something that's more constructive...like revenge.

That's where I am at the moment. Call this callous and petty if you want...but it works for me!


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

I have had a headache for 3 days straight and have been having flu like symptoms ..no appetite , dizziness you name it...all due to the stress of my up coming divorce and finding out that i have been being lied to about her and her so called friend for longer than I care to admit....yet today while in counseling I couldn't keep the tears from flowing and tonight I am just a mess...
I just get all teared up out of the blue ...I m just so disappointed in her and I miss her..it sucks...


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I can go weeks without feeling sad, but then all of a sudden, I'll have a viscious meltdown. I just want to be able to move on. I hate that I miss him and that I find myself ever forgiving and just wantingt to be with him.
It's so hard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Although I often tell myself that I'm into some new sort of mindset...I still blow up from time to time. I can be lost in my work...then, out of the blue...I'm cursing up a blue streak. 

Too bad I didn't come across a site like this long ago. Well, there was no internet in them thar days...but , still, plenty of cheats. Come to think of it...WHY would someone (obviously, a mindless IDIOT) about to get married (what a DOPE!), tune in here, anyway???

You (Sakaye) say that you can go for weeks without feeling sad. That used to be days...and it used to be minutes. Soon it'll be months.

Warm regards...


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Tommo said:


> You (Sakaye) say that you can go for weeks without feeling sad. That used to be days...and it used to be minutes. Soon it'll be months.
> 
> Warm regards...


You're right. Sometimes when in the vulnerable, emotionally distraught state, I only think "Will this ever go away, or will I mourn forever?" But, you are SO right. My sanity is lasting a bit longer now and the breakdowns, although still heavy, are lasting for fewer days. 
Sometimes the obvious is so hard to see when I only try to look for answers with tear filled eyes, completely forgetting to see the progress when my eyes are dry. Thank you, Tommo. Your statement was small, simple, and to the point, but to me, it was like an epiphany.
Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

As a leavee, and one who missed her H for a long while I can say in my case...No, he thinks he did nothing wrong to me and only what he had to do to make himself happy. I no longer concentrate on what is going on with him. His actions no longer concern me. But it might be easier for me in that I do not have children around and no business to be conducted between us. Generally speaing the one with the power is the one who can justify their deeds. I will be praying fr all those hurtiung today, and working towards a place of peace and joy.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

My missing her seems to be like the tide....Always moving, some swings bigger than others. I have set backs but then the next one is a little smaller...
Its a process for sure and I have realized that its constantly changing and there is no right or wrong way to absorb it..

I was told recently....

Sometimes it's helpful to think how you'd think about this if it was happening to a friend or family member you really care about. 
You would not think about how it "should be" going or how the person "should be handling" it, etc. You'd just empathize with how hard it is and wish them well; 

take this stance for yourself every day - 

This has helped me ...


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I had been doing okay the last few days, but the moments of sadness and regret returned. I think the first court date and seeing her several times made me think of her more. I still miss her.

It was son's birthday the other day and she was telling me about the card she made for him. She was talking to me just like she used to. I thought I caught a glimpse of sadness in her expression for just an instant.


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## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

I also frequently wonder if he feels sad or guilty about what he has done. My situation is a little different though because he abuses narcotics and therefore, he is probably able to numb any feelings he has at all right about now. I can't imagine a day where I do not ache inside. I too have decided to not contact him and wait to see if he makes any gestures towards me. He did this. He abused the drugs and he had emotional affairs with multiple women. If he misses his wife and home, he will make the necessary life changes to try to get back the best thing he had.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Thought about wife today a lot. Started thinking of her sexually. Then moved to other things like watching shows on tv together to listening to her talk about her day at work. Thinking about how things weren't that damn bad that the marriage had to end over it.

Missed her and the way things were.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Well I dreamed of her that night. Thought of her all day the next day and then dreamed of her for the 2nd night in a row. Then thought about her all day long. Got a glimmer of hope based a text and then that was ended later in the day.

When do I stop thinking of only the good times? Why can't I just get over this?


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