# Need Female Perspective



## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

Been together 13 years. Just finding out wife was dishonest about sexual past and experience. I always knew she had been with more guys than she said, but I really didn't care... what's before me is none of my business.

But, she has always been very rigid in the bedroom. For years I've tried everything I could to help her relax but nothing worked.

Now she is telling me that it was an act because she had been very sexual prior to us... she is not communicating a lot of details but sounds like very sexually active and dom/sub relationships.

Again, I'm okay if that is her past and I can understand her not wanting me to know about it if it embarrasses her... but really wish I would have known much sooner because we've lost a lot years of great sex, but life goes on.

Our sex life is getting better now but she still hits the brakes a lot.... says she was always told that a decent man wouldn't want a girl who acted like that so she has a difficult time being 'more' sexual with me (as her husband).

I don't have an issue with it but I know its something she has to get past.

recently she has 'cut loose' a time or two, the first time it kind of blew my mind. she definitely has skills! which again, is great! but I have to admit, something about it bothers me... although not exactly sure what.

i know it's not something she's comfortable talking about and i definitely don't want to do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable since she is being vulnerable so i thought i would throw it out here to see what other's might offer... again, not exactly sure what i'm looking for... maybe just ability to talk about it???


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

There are a couple of things that are concerning. One that she can pretend to be something she is not for 13 years. Two that you didn't get the chance to make an informed decision on who you were marrying. I guess a third thing would be whatever her sexual past was she find it shameful and like something that cant be shared with a spouse.

What I don't get is, if you were willing to do more and trying to coax her out - why she wasn't giving you a bit more.


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

thanks for the response miss scarlett.

I agree with your comments, especially the third. it sucks that for whatever reason she didn't trust me enough to feel she could share this... but at least she is starting to now.

".... why she wasn't giving you a bit more" -- for those 13 years, she would say that her parents made sex so taboo that she could not relax and enjoy it. me knowing that her parents are very reserved, I believed it.

also, about 10 years ago I visited with a counselor because I was concerned with the lack of passion in our sex life. When I told him about my wife's issue from her parents, he told me that this was common and that it was my job to lead/teach her, so that is was I tried to do... most of the time patiently, but have to admit there were a few times I became frustrated... which then justified to me why she didn't feel safe yet.

this all came to surface recently when it kind of hit me that after 13 years her 'skills' weren't getting any better... so I confronted her about it. she was reluctant to discuss but did.

i think what bother's me the most is that i now can't seem to help my mind from wondering what else she may have withheld, and i hate to doubt her like that... after all, she is my wife and the mother of my children.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with miss Scarlett its concerning that she could repress her sexuality for 13 years and be something she claims she's not.

Something in her story doesn't add up to me.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

13 years of fake sex. Yep I think I might be kind of pissed too.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

[email protected]&confused said:


> thanks for the response miss scarlett.
> 
> I agree with your comments, especially the third. it sucks that for whatever reason she didn't trust me enough to feel she could share this... but at least she is starting to now.
> 
> ...


[email protected]&confused.... sometimes thing happen in our past that can cause that are tramatic enough to make us supress our most basic instinics. The fact that she is now coming out of her shell and opening up to you is amazing after so long a period of time. Be careful that curiosity doesn't get the best of you and ruin what could be the beginning of something very exciting and hot for the two of you. I don't know what caused her to repress her sexuality but it wasn't probably a good thing...so step gentle. Repressed little ladies once they do let loose and come into their own can turn into quite opposite sexually.....so hang on to your hat....you may be in for quite a ride. =-O
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

mineforever said:


> [email protected]&confused.... Repressed little ladies once they do let loose and come into their own can turn into quite opposite sexually.....so hang on to your hat....you may be in for quite a ride. =-O
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


definitely what I'm hoping for! she is not very open to communication either, so also been trying for years to get her to talk to me more... but this seems to be helping her open up emotionally and physically, WHICH IS GREAT!

she says it helps to see that I am accepting her, so I agree that I don't want to deter that in any way... but trying to keep my doubt and new found insecurities in check so that I don't end up suppressing my emotions.


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm with miss Scarlett its concerning that she could repress her sexuality for 13 years and be something she claims she's not.
> 
> Something in her story doesn't add up to me.


since tone is absent from these messages, i hope this doesn't sounds sarcastic because i am asking genuinely... what isn't adding up to you?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

[email protected]&confused said:


> recently she has 'cut loose' a time or two, the first time it kind of blew my mind. she definitely has skills! which again, is great! but I have to admit, something about it bothers me... although not exactly sure what.


I'm guessing that you're having trouble with the fact that she honed her skills on several other men. That's OK. Men are naturally territorial toward the women we love. We tend to value chastity toward other men. Just as it will be a struggle for your wife to accept you as a man she can be sexual with, it will be a struggle for you to accept that your wife has been sexual with several other men.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It doesn't make sense that she has been a sexual dude for 13 years, but prior to your relationship she was explorative, expressive and skilled.

It doesn't make sense that you have lamented the lack of passion but when she steps up it makes you doubt.

Do you think she can sense that her sudden skills makes you doubt, and do you think that is helpful in pulling her out of whatever she'll she has buried her sexuality?

When I first read your post, the conclusion that struck me was that her prior experiences were either traumatic to her in the sex itself, meaning forced in some way, or the after effects of those experiences lead her to bury them. For instance she went hog wild with a guy who laughed at her and broke her into pieces, then got no support so she simply turned it all off.

I think she might need additional support from you to bring her freaky self back, and that means you bury your doubts about her past and stop asking about it. It means that you ask for what you want, you teach her what you want, you encourage that inner freak to come out to play and you don't look back when she does.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mineforever said:


> [email protected]&confused.... sometimes thing happen in our past that can cause that are tramatic enough to make us supress our most basic instinics. The fact that she is now coming out of her shell and opening up to you is amazing after so long a period of time. Be careful that curiosity doesn't get the best of you and ruin what could be the beginning of something very exciting and hot for the two of you. I don't know what caused her to repress her sexuality but it wasn't probably a good thing...so step gentle. *Repressed little ladies once they do let loose and come into their own can turn into quite opposite sexually.....so hang on to your hat....you may be in for quite a ride. *=-O
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



can I get an AMEN sistah Mineforever!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

[email protected]&confused said:


> Been together 13 years. Just finding out wife was dishonest about sexual past and experience. I always knew she had been with more guys than she said, but I really didn't care... what's before me is none of my business.
> 
> But, she has always been very rigid in the bedroom. For years I've tried everything I could to help her relax but nothing worked.
> 
> ...


I noticed three things that you said...

In translation...that your wife thinks a decent man wouldn't want a "wh*re" for a wife. She connects letting herself loose as being a wh*re. I can see that being one of the reasons she doesn't want to express herself in the bedroom.

Also, you said that you don't have an issue with it. But then you said.. you admit that something about it bothers you...

And vibes people send off are sometimes enough to kill the switch. 

So in a nutshell...maybe your wife is feeling insecure about expressing herself fully, and she gets the vibe that you aren't ok with her abilities in the bedroom. 

Out of curiosity..have you ever said anything negative to her that may have turned her away from the idea of "letting loose"?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

[email protected]&confused said:


> since tone is absent from these messages, i hope this doesn't sounds sarcastic because i am asking genuinely... what isn't adding up to you?


I just thought it odd that she'd be rigid for 13 years despite you asking for more. Then suddenly out if the blue she says it was all a lie?

I'm just thinking there is more to her story that's all. If she's telling the truth she sure went to a lot of trouble to hide it from you.

13 years? Wow.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

It's sounds a bit like she may have a kind of Madonna/wh0re complex on herself, kind of like she may think if you see that side of her you'll lose respect for her.


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

i can see that i am not doing a good job communicating how/what i am feeling... 

- i have no problem that she had sexual partners before me. that would be. whatever happened before me is exactly that... before me!

- any doubt i'm having now is not about her letting go sexually. that would defeat everything i've longed for between me and her.

- any doubts i'm having is because she lied about it. don't get me wrong, i can make sense out of most of what she says, but i would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt... after all, don't i have a right to my feelings also???

- i am not talking to her about it. that's why i am here. i am optimistic that this will be my outlet to express my feelings without burdening her so that (hopefully) she and i can continue to allow this to blossom.


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> It's sounds a bit like she may have a kind of Madonna/wh0re complex on herself, kind of like she may think if you see that side of her you'll lose respect for her.


i think you're right.

as she has started to open up, i am finding out how controlling her parents where. i think they made her feel that if she ever had an impure thought she would be a wh0re... which breaks my heart!

she has told me that sex was not allowed to be discussed in any way.... when she got her period it wasn't addressed!

i grew up in a home where sex was freely talked about as a beautiful thing (don't mean to make light, but we have a darma/greg thing going... seriously).

anyway, i think she was so controlled that when she moved out of state for college, i think she went a little wild (at least in her eyes), which is not uncommon at all. and that the weight of judgement that was placed on her makes her believe that 'good girls' dont act like that.

i just want to help her understand that i don't/won't judge her. i am a firm believer that everything that's happened in our life has helped make us the people we are... so don't regret and be proud.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Are you having feelings of inadequacy like If she did these things with the other guys, what's wrong with me that she won't do them with me?


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> When I first read your post, the conclusion that struck me was that her prior experiences were either traumatic to her in the sex itself, meaning forced in some way, or the after effects of those experiences lead her to bury them. For instance she went hog wild with a guy who laughed at her and broke her into pieces, then got no support so she simply turned it all off.
> 
> I think she might need additional support from you to bring her freaky self back, and that means you bury your doubts about her past and stop asking about it. It means that you ask for what you want, you teach her what you want, you encourage that inner freak to come out to play and you don't look back when she does.


i have wondered for years if she had experienced sexual trauma of some sort, and she may have. but i think that she was in a very sexual relationship where she allowed herself to enjoy being completely dominated... and because of the guilt and shame placed on her by her parents, she thinks it makes her "dirty". she has commented that she feels like she wears a scarlet letter.... i hate that she feels that way!!!

i've never had those kind of emotional games played on me and honestly just now starting to understand the imprisonment that they can inflict. 

but honestly y'all, i just want to be here for her! just want to make sure i'm doing it right. i am a strong alpha male and have always been very dominant in the bedroom but with her i have always handled her with knit gloves because she was so uncomfortable.... it's a hard thing to figure out where the line is of respecting her boundries and being a bedroom bull. so right or wrong, i would lean to respecting her boundries.

BUT, now that she's opening up some, i also feel the freedom to be myself and take control. at times, she willfully submits in that sweet feminine way... and magic! other times, she tenses up and i back off... again, not sure that's the right move but don't want make her feel unsafe????


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## [email protected]&confused (Jun 28, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Are you having feelings of inadequacy like If she did these things with the other guys, what's wrong with me that she won't do them with me?


yeah, i was at first. but now i realize that its not about me. this is something she is dealing with so i just want to help her.

i want to help her because i love her and want to her to be happy... but there is a selfish motive also. i know that if i help her feel safe, we will have wicked sex!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay, now I need to just say, you are so sweet! I'm sure you two will work it out. It does sound like a mystery...but some mysteries can work themselves out..


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