# My wife no longer wants sex.



## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

My wife and I have always been a physical couple. Her sex drive has always been pretty high, and I've always been willing to match it. Even while pregnant, little changed. Unfortunately, she lost the last pregnancy and delivered a stillborn. Since then, we have only been physical once, and she was distraught after.

I want to hold her, touch her, physically be with her, but she pushes me away. It isn't about another baby or even trying, I just want to have that physical comfort. She does not see it that way. I am not sure what to do, as she will not speak to a counselor.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How recently was the stillbirth?

Condolences, too.


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## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> How recently was the stillbirth?
> 
> Condolences, too.


Thank you. September 14th.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

The wound is still relatively fresh. So my advice is for you to be there for her. Don't try to fix how she feels, just hold her and be a shoulder she can cry on. Let her know you're there if she wants to talk about it.

You should probably speak with a grief counselor, and they can give you guidance on how to help your wife recover. Perhaps with time she'll be willing to attend the sessions with you.


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## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

BioFury said:


> My advice is be there for her. Don't try to fix how she feels, just hold her and be a shoulder she can cry on. Let her know you're there if she wants to talk about it.
> 
> You should probably speak with a grief counselor, and they can give you guidance on how to help your wife recover. Perhaps with time she'll be willing to attend the sessions with you.


Thank you. I am here for her, when she wants me. Sometimes she just pushes me away. It just sometimes doesn't feel like enough.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Ezekiel said:


> Thank you. I am here for her, when she wants me. *Sometimes she just pushes me away.* It just sometimes doesn't feel like enough.


Perhaps the women here can either support or negate this advice, but my opinion is don't let her do that. If she tries to push you away, stay put. Pursue her, and show her with your actions that you're not going anywhere. That you're not going to let this push you apart. She needs to know that she can lean on, and depend on you, that you're not going to give up on her and your relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This can be a very serious and complex issue that is problematic in a wide variety of different areas. 

There can be some ongoing physical and hormonal imbalances taking place as her body was spending many months preparing to deliver and then nurse and nurture a child and now it is simply gone but her body has not had a chance to adapt and realign itself yet and get back to baseline. 

Psychologically and emotionally the sky is the limit on all the problems that can take place there. There are entire books on the traumas and tribulations of miscarriage and stillbirth. 

And in terms of relationships, this can be a powder keg ready to go off at any moment as well. A lot of wacky things go in the psyche of both women and men with the loss of a pregnancy/child. Some of them are subconscious and really make no sense to the conscious mind but affect her deeply nonetheless. 

It's possible that she some how blames you for the fetal demise even though her rational brain knows you had nothing to do with it. 

She may feel you didn't support her enough in time of need even though you were there for her day and night. 

She may feel that you didn't mourn enough or weren't sad enough even though she may have seen you bawling like a baby. 

She may even have some kind of weird, instinctive rejection of your genetic material. On some bizarre, instinctive, reptilian level she may now feel that your very DNA is somehow defective and tainted. 

the list can go on and on. 

This really does need thorough and multi disciplinary assessment and evaluation by a team of professional doctors, gynecologists, shrinks and counselors. 

Often times OB/Gyn doctors will follow up for a few weeks after a miscarriage/stillbirth to make sure there isn't still any retained placenta or any material left in the uterus and then they are done. They often do not do any kind of continuing hormonal management or any kind of psychological or emotional support or treatment. 

She really needs to be under the care of doctor that is knowledgible about this kind of thing like maybe gynecologist or internal med or endocrinologist for her physiological and hormonal issues. 

And then it really is critical that her psychological and emotional status be addressed as well. 

This goes far deeper and more complex than a simple loss of libido. 

Some women can go truly crazy and harm themselves or others and can end up in a mental facility or even jail. 

Back in my paramedic days I had a gal that was perfectly normal in all respects and then had serious hormonal imbalances during pregnancy. Then one day was driving around in her car all wackadoodle and saw a train coming down the tracks and stopped her car at the crossing, got out and stood in the middle of the tracks and let the train run over her. 

The train engineer had been driving trains for 20 years and he knew what she was doing the instant she opened the car door because he had had a few other people do the exact same thing in his career. He locked up the brakes as soon as she opened the car door but it took the train over half a mile to stop. 

There was another gal a few years ago in the news that had a baby and was all messed up with post partum depression so bad that it became an actual psychosis and she filled the bathtub with water and then took all 4 kids including the baby one by one into the bathroom and held their heads under water until they were dead. Her husband came home and found her talking out her mind and there were four dead bodies laying on the bathroom floor. 

This $h!+ is real and it needs to be taken seriously and it needs professional evaluation. I'm not saying your wife is going to turn into a child killer. I'm just saying that the physiological and psychological impact that this kind of thing can have on people can be very serious and needs to be taken seriously and professional evaluation and treatment is often needed.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

She's going through not just dealing with a miscarriage early in pregnancy, but with a stillborn near the end of term? That's a huge blow. Her body and her mind were all prepared for birth and motherhood, and then her body tragically failed her. She's dealing with postpartum hormones, but she doesn't have a baby to hold, so she's grieving, and likely depressed. She probably feels like an utter failure as a woman. And then along comes you, seeking something from that failure of a body.

Think on this: your first question coming to this forum is not a selfless "how do I help and comfort my wife after the stillbirth of our baby?" but more of a selfish whine "my wife won't have sex to comfort me after the stillbirth of our baby!"

Reframe your approach to trying to offer her comfort, not receiving it yourself, and in a plainly non-sexual way at first. Be physically affectionate and supportive. And I agree, if she won't seek grief and self-esteem counselling herself, you could still someone to learn how to be a good support for her.

On a more practical matter, what birth control are you using so soon after the stillbirth? A fear of becoming pregnant again and going through this massive pain again because her body is a failure will not help her want to be intimate with you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ezekiel said:


> . Her sex drive has always been pretty high, and I've always been willing to match it. Even while pregnant, little changed. Unfortunately, she lost the last pregnancy and delivered a stillborn. Since then, we have only been physical once, and she was distraught after.


Even though every doctor and every book on the planet will say that sex is not harmful to a baby, she may think that sex harmed the pregnancy and that it is your (and her ) fault for the end of the pregnancy.

If that is the case, it may take serious and long term counseling to deal with that. 

I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom but I do want you to understand that this is very serious.

Many marriages do not survive the death of a child.


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## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

Thanks for the replies. I've noticed a lot of what has been said, even been told a lot of what oldshirt said. She worries of intimacy leading to another pregnancy, which she does not want to face. That I understand. She also feels no one else is grieving like she is, that no one cares, and everyone else has moved on. I haven't forgotten and will never forget my daughter, even though she thinks I have, and she won't hear otherwise.

She's fine with seeing a doctor for physical needs, and has followed those fairly well. But when it comes to mentally, she will not budge at all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ezekiel said:


> She's fine with seeing a doctor for physical needs, and has followed those fairly well. But when it comes to mentally, she will not budge at all.


Then her doctor can discuss with her the importance of taking care of her psychological/emotional health and can make a referral to who he/she thinks would be able to help.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

Losing a child is more than losing them in that moment. You lose everything they ever were and everything they could have been. You lose your hopes and dreams for their lives.

September is not that long ago. And I can't not say at what point it will become "a long time ago" for her. That isn't my place, no one's really.

Your wife needs comfort and evidence that you are suffering as much as she is and she is not alone. That this loss is not just her's to bare. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Also, lets not forget that, depending on how far along the pregnancy was, having a stillborn baby still involves what can be a very traumatic birth process. I've known women who were induced and labored for many hours, the pushed for a few more, only to wind up having an episiotomy and/or an emergency C-section - and all for a baby that they already knew was dead in-utero. Birth involves immense pain, invasiveness, loss of control, lack of dignity, and sometimes incredible trauma. Part of what makes all that bearable, is that you get your precious new infant to hold and love afterward. Only, if the baby is stillborn, you don't. You have all the pain afterwards, the physical changes, the stretch marks, the episiotomy stitches, the weeks of bleeding, all the usual healing to do, but without the consolation of having done it to bring your precious living baby into the world. Many new moms aren't exactly excited to get back into sex immediately after birth, in even the best of circumstances. Adding the fact that your child has died to that, is just going to multiply the lack of interest in jumping back into the sack. 

Her body, her mind, and her heart are still healing. While you may be heartbroken, OP, do try to remember that your body and your mind are most likely in much better shape than hers. 

I would strongly recommend some counseling for your wife to help her deal with the loss. But also for you so that you know how to help both her and yourself. It will do neither of you any good to fall into resentment because the other isn't doing what each of you needs. Learn to help one another through this, or it will tear your marriage apart.


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## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

Even if her doctor mentions it, she won't go. Therapy isn't for her because she's not crazy, that's what she says whenever it is brought up. I know she had been using a forum group but quit it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ezekiel said:


> Even if her doctor mentions it, she won't go. Therapy isn't for her because she's not crazy, that's what she says whenever it is brought up. I know she had been using a forum group but quit it.


No one responds favorably to anything that hints at "you're screwed up and need to be fixed so I'm dragging you to see Dr. SoandSo so he/she can straighten you out". Have you tried to sincerely couch this in terms of not "she's crazy" therapy, but "she's grieving" grief counseling? Are you in grief counseling? If not, get there, and ask if she will come with you to a few sessions in order to help you. Make it clear that you are struggling and are seeing a counselor to help you cope better with your own grief and loss. Do what you can to involve her in that process. Lead by example.

If you're not in grief counseling and are adamant that you don't need it because you're not the crazy one, then you can't really blame her for not wanting to volunteer to be "the crazy one" either, can you?


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## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

Rowan said:


> No one responds favorably to anything that hints at "you're screwed up and need to be fixed so I'm dragging you to see Dr. SoandSo so he/she can straighten you out". Have you tried to sincerely couch this in terms of not "she's crazy" therapy, but "she's grieving" grief counseling? Are you in grief counseling? If not, get there, and ask if she will come with you to a few sessions in order to help you. Make it clear that you are struggling and are seeing a counselor to help you cope better with your own grief and loss. Do what you can to involve her in that process. Lead by example.
> 
> If you're not in grief counseling and are adamant that you don't need it because you're not the crazy one, then you can't really blame her for not wanting to volunteer to be "the crazy one" either, can you?


I'm not in counseling, either, but it is something I'm open to. I don't think going and asking her to come with me will work, she's not very into or open with the idea of any kind of counseling.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sorry you’re both going through this. 

She likely has internalized all the negative feelings and is grieving the loss. Everyone grieves differently. I would suggest taking her out to a new and nice restaurant for drinks and dinner, then maybe a show. It’s Christmas time, there has to be lots of things happening. She needs to get out of the funk, have a new fun experience to just break the grieving of even for a few minutes or hours so she can laugh a little again and feel happy again and you as her husband have to be the one who show finds happiness with. If you can, take her away for a night or weekend, somewhere more with no past connections or memories. Look up what are the best restatauntsnin your city, then pony up for an expensive evening. If she is not into talking a lot then try dinner and a jazz club that plays Christmas music, so she won’t have to talk and the music will be cheerful. It might not lead to sex, and you should not expect it to, just lead to a little laughter and a few moments with your wife again. In that moment huh her and hold her. She needs new memories and new happy experiences to out between now and the day of your loss. Otherwise she will keep reliving it over and over again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BioFury said:


> Perhaps the women here can either support or negate this advice, but my opinion is don't let her do that. If she tries to push you away, stay put. Pursue her, and show her with your actions that you're not going anywhere. That you're not going to let this push you apart. She needs to know that she can lean on, and depend on you, that you're not going to give up on her and your relationship.


I had still born twins in the 7th month of a pregnancy. It took me months to get beyond the stage of mind numbing grief. About 80% of marriages end after the death of a child. Each person responds in their own way to the loss of a child.

Having been through this, I think that one of the main reasons is that the couple does not get the support and counseling that they need to handle the loss and keep their marriage together.


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## Ezekiel (Dec 17, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> Sorry you’re both going through this.
> 
> She likely has internalized all the negative feelings and is grieving the loss. Everyone grieves differently. I would suggest taking her out to a new and nice restaurant for drinks and dinner, then maybe a show. It’s Christmas time, there has to be lots of things happening. She needs to get out of the funk, have a new fun experience to just break the grieving of even for a few minutes or hours so she can laugh a little again and feel happy again and you as her husband have to be the one who show finds happiness with. If you can, take her away for a night or weekend, somewhere more with no past connections or memories. Look up what are the best restatauntsnin your city, then pony up for an expensive evening. If she is not into talking a lot then try dinner and a jazz club that plays Christmas music, so she won’t have to talk and the music will be cheerful. It might not lead to sex, and you should not expect it to, just lead to a little laughter and a few moments with your wife again. In that moment huh her and hold her. She needs new memories and new happy experiences to out between now and the day of your loss. Otherwise she will keep reliving it over and over again.


Every year for the holidays, we do take a trip somewhere, and I've been putting it together, we leave in the morning though she doesn't want to go. I'm going to try to keep it as engaging as I can, and I hope you're right, maybe she will enjoy herself.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

This perception of hers is something she needs to let go. I have been there and done that (lost a 10 year old to cancer) and can tell you that her perspective can ruin your marriage.

My ex did that, and much became filtered through that lens. I was expected to align my grieving process with hers and defer to her (even though my grandfather passed away at the same time). Me forging on and taking care of our daughter became me ignoring her. I was an a$$hole because she needed to go back to work (off six months after out son passed, after being off another six months - true financial need).

Basically, because she lost the most (in her mind) everything was subordinate to her, which is marriage death. You must continue to assert yourself as her equal.




Ezekiel said:


> .She also feels no one else is grieving like she is, that no one cares, and everyone else has moved on. I haven't forgotten and will never forget my daughter, even though she thinks I have, and she won't hear otherwise.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BioFury said:


> Perhaps the women here can either support or negate this advice, but my opinion is don't let her do that. If she tries to push you away, stay put. Pursue her, and show her with your actions that you're not going anywhere. That you're not going to let this push you apart. She needs to know that she can lean on, and depend on you, that you're not going to give up on her and your relationship.


As a woman, but not one who had suffered the way your wife has, I agree with the above. With one BIG caveat do not pursue physical intimacy while showing her you aren't going anywhere. Definitely pursue counseling. You don't know what hell her mind is currently trapped in. She could be suffering tremendous guilt feeling inadequate that she was unable to provide what the baby needed to stay alive. Grief. Worry that she isn't right for you or not good enough. She might believe you would be better off with someone else. 
OR she could be blaming you that you didn't want the baby or aren't taking it as hard that you don't care. And you don't want to add the only thing he cares about is sex.

Obviously eventually you want to get back to a healthy sex life but now is the time for patience, understanding, communication and counseling.


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