# 1 Year later - update



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Its been a long time since I have posted on TAM but have checked in on some threads from time to time of the people who provided great support for me during my progression. I got the ILYBNILWY speech, separated and went through some tremendous soul searching during that and TAM was a great resource and support for me thanks to the many members who offered advice and simply an ear as I worked through it.

1 year later, I wanted to share with those of you beginning down this path some of the insights I had during this very difficult period and my emergence from the funk I went through

*1 - The 180 Works!!* It was a little counter intuitive to think that it would but it really did. It helped me focus on the areas of my life that I could control and eliminate drama. It allowed me to focus on reviewing on what I needed to do to make my self a better person for *ME and my kids*. I figured out through this who I am and what I wanted in my personal relationships and was much better for it. I took the time to reflect on what I was and wanted to be and took the steps to improve me as a person and learn to like myself again.

*2 - Exercise & Hobbies are key * I got myself in shape (again for me) and healthy and explored various hobbies I had let go by the wayside during my marriage. I focussed on my kids and had a great time re-engaging in their lives without the effects of my marital issues impacting our time together. I started to enjoy the little things again without realising how much the marital relationship strains was affecting me in all aspects of my life. I felt good about me.

*3 - Relationships* After implementing the 180 and turned my focus on improving myself and acknowledging my part in the marriage breakdown, I realized that we stayed together due to my guilt over hurting the kids. While separated, the kids got to see a happier Dad and that helped for them to be more involved with me and allowed me to truly enjoy my family for the first time in a long time. My relationships at work and with friends also greatly improved with my attitude and outlook improving.

So I guess the next question some of you would ask is did my ex and I reconcile? The answer is no but I am very happy about that. Once I went through the self reflection and got over the guilt about the kids I realized I was much happier not married to her anymore. My Ex also noticed the big change in me and attempted and has continued to attempt to reconcile but it wont happen. I love who I am and what I have evolved into and I am not willing to go back. I slowly started dating again and got to enjoy meeting new people and having fun exploring new relationships. When the divorce was final (I had to push it through the courts as she started to backtrack), it was a sad day reflecting on the past but it was good to allow me to continue to move forward.

Now this may not be the message that some of you want to hear and some may not view this as a succesful outcome but it honestly worked out great for me. I have moved on and am extremely positive about my future. I couldnt have gotten here without the help of the posters on this board and my family/friends and its been key in my personal revival.

Just wanted to share a story for those of you who are beginning this extremely painful journey and hopefully allow some of you to realize that the healing will occur at your own pace. You are in control and use the resources that you have. For those interested in my old threads, the following should link for you - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/31192-trying-move.html

Good luck and stay positive that you can and will emerge with an improved outlook if you choose to! Best of luck


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Happy for you! Great job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Now this may not be the message that some of you want to hear and some may not view this as a succesful outcome but it honestly worked out great for me.


Those of you who have been left behind by your spouse: Read the post above over and over. That's exactly what is awaiting you around the corner. Your wayward spouse will backtrack (almost guaranteed), but it doesn't mean you will go back to your previous life again.

The post above is a perfect example of what it means to "come out of the other side".


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Sod, stories likes yours are truly uplifting?

Is your ex now all down in the dumps?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

spun said:


> Sod, stories likes yours are truly uplifting?
> 
> Is your ex now all down in the dumps?


She is upset with herself and wishes she had never gone down this path as she realized it was her actions that started this. I dont wish her any ill will and hope that she will be happy again one day but I have made it clear that it wont be with me.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Good news


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sod said:


> I realized I was much happier not married to her anymore.


Awesome, that is how I felt too. 

Great to see stories that you can and will get thought this part of life.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

C3156 said:


> Awesome, that is how I felt too.
> 
> Great to see stories that you can and will get thought this part of life.


We all do.....just at different times :smthumbup:


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Thank you for sharing your story. This is exactly what I needed to read today. It gives me hope for where I hope to also be at the end of all of this.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hi Sod;

I aspire to be in your shoes soon (9 months). I am 3 months into my separation.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Sod, thanks for sharing. It is awesome you are doing so well.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thanks for posting this. Just the other day I was feeling awful about my current situation. Now, after reading this, it's inspiring. I'm happy for you.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Happy to share my experiences, the pain, hurt and anger I felt through this is not something I would wish on anyone. I remember when I started down this path it would help to see the progress some of the members were making on their personal journeys and it gave me hope. Just take it a day at a time and you should notice it happen slowly after a while.

Good luck again and if there is something I can help with, please dont hesitate to ask. Not saying I'm an expert at this but this experience was definitely eye opening for me


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## couragepride (Sep 8, 2012)

Thank you for your update. It does take time. It's been a year for me, your story is a carbon copy of mine. Focused on myself, my children, exercise, hobbies (some of which I hadn't done for years as well as new ones.)

Life does get better. Those around me can see a happier man, one they've never seen before. I am being myself, a true version of who I am as a human being. 

I'm looking forward to eventually finding someone else to spend the rest of my life with, it will be a better relationship.

Keep smiling...


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## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

You honestly inspired me.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

couragepride said:


> I'm looking forward to eventually finding someone else to spend the rest of my life with, it will be a better relationship.
> 
> Keep smiling...


It will happen when you are ready. Honestly for me it worked well without me stressing about it. I met some great woman, some evolved into friendships that I still have and some evolved into more. There is no timetable - enjoy the ride but remember how you want to be treated and treat them the same way. The rest will happen naturally


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

SOD, for all these guys/gals out here that can't seem to "force" themselves to do the 180 for any extended period of time, how do you feel things would have played out if you had begged, groveled, and professed your love over and over again?

Same result? Or prolonged agony?

I am a firm believer in the 180. I've done it myself before, successfully led to reconciliation.

I believe that, even if one were to successfully R with begging and groveling as the tactic, the relationship would never be the same. It would be completely imbalanced and there is no way that one could possibly keep up that behavior forever.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

forumman83 said:


> SOD, for all these guys/gals out here that can't seem to "force" themselves to do the 180 for any extended period of time, how do you feel things would have played out if you had begged, groveled, and professed your love over and over again?
> 
> Same result? Or prolonged agony?
> 
> ...


I think you know how it would probably go. Begging or groveling over and over will probably only serve to drive them away. Usually when one person initiates a separation, there is something that is causing them to think that their relationship is broken thats causing them to make the break and to hopefully take the time to figure out what they want from the other person. When the other person is constantly telling them how much they need them, it comes across as needy and offputting over time. In truth, actions speak louder than words. If they come back because of grovelling, you can bet that there will be an imbalance that will get trotted out everytime a rough patch is hit

For the 180 to truly work, its needs to be for you and not a "trick" to get someone back. Its easy to say and hard to do but investing the time and energy in honest reflection and self improvement may seem contrary to getting someone back but your work is hopefully building a better you mentally and for some even physically. Thats how it worked for me.......the byproduct of that work was my ex tried to get back together with me as I rediscovered who I was and wanted to be and that was the person she fell in love with originally. Unfortunately, the person I became figured out that I wasnt happy with what she had become. The intent of my 180 success, after several false starts, was to figure that out for myself. 

It wasnt and isnt easy to do!


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## blindsidedwife (Sep 7, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your story, it's very inspiring.

I am right at the beginning of this journey - WH is moving out next weekend to pursue a relationship with his AP. I am looking forward to my 180, for 'me'.

I'd love to be where you are a year from now - well done!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

blindsidedwife said:


> Thanks for sharing your story, it's very inspiring.
> 
> I am right at the beginning of this journey - WH is moving out next weekend to pursue a relationship with his AP. I am looking forward to my 180, for 'me'.
> 
> I'd love to be where you are a year from now - well done!


One step at a time (cliche I know). Good luck!!


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Sod said:


> Unfortunately, the person I became figured out that I wasnt happy with what she had become. The intent of my 180 success, after several false starts, was to figure that out for myself.
> 
> It wasnt and isnt easy to do!


What had she become that you were not happy with?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

forumman83 said:


> What had she become that you were not happy with?


She had become more focussed on herself as a priority and less caring about the people in her life (broke contact with her family/less interest in maintaining joint friendships etc). Her outlook became more materialistic and WIIFM. Its not what I find to be attractive or important so.....it was yet more we no longer had in common. Nothing she became was heinous or wrong, it just highlighted how much we had become different people over the 10 years of marriage with little in common besides two wonderful children.


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

boxhead201 said:


> Hi Sod;
> 
> I aspire to be in your shoes soon (9 months). I am 3 months into my separation.


Box. What Did you learn from the original post


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Apparently Box learned to move on....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sod said:


> Apparently Box learned to move on....


We can only wish he did. He's still trying. He'll get there eventually!


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