# Two Wrongs, do not a Right make.



## Drawn2Water (Feb 14, 2011)

I have been with my wife for 22 years, married for 16. We have two children, 8 and 5. 

In 2009 I discovered that my wife had a very passionate 6 month emotional affair (no evidence it was physical) with a man she dated before we began dating 22 years ago. It was active right up to the time I discovered it and confronted her with it.

I was completely blind-sided and devastated but I immediately decided to stand by her and attempt to rebuild our marriage through counseling. The counseling only seemed to focus on why she felt like she needed the affair, at no point was there any consideration on what I needed for healing.

For 18 months following this, our marriage was in many respects better, but there were so many times where I would become emotional when being overwhelmed with the memory of what she had done. There was never any genuine show of remorse on her part even when she could clearly see that I was dying inside.

This past October, I had reached a point where I felt I was becoming self-destructive even to where I was contemplating suicide and how to make it look like an accident. Thankfully, I quickly realized that this was not the answer for me or my children. On several occassions I strongly urged my wife to accept what she had done and that I needed to see her have genuine remorse. I only received more cold and callous responses from her. At this point I believed that a divorce was the only way for me to be able to rebuild my life and be the best father I could be without the pain and stress of what had happened. I had planned to begin the process at the first of the years to allow one last holiday season for my children as a family.

Shortly before Christmas, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the prospect of this being our last Christmas as a family. On Christmas Eve, I could not contain the emotion and was honest with my wife about what I was feeling. At first, she had little reaction. The next day, Christmas Day, for the first time ever she had an emotional reaction to what had happened and told me that she was ashamed for what she had done.

I felt as though this was an eleventh-hour reaction and that I would have to stick to my guns for my own well-being. As the holidays progressed her unprecedented show of emotion continued but I still stubbornly believed it to be non-genuine. 

In early January, we separated and started to begin the paperwork for an uncontested divorce with a joint-custody arrangement. Out of anger I suppose, she began telling me this was really going to be the best Christmas present I ever gave her and that she would find someone 1000 times better than me. I subsequently moved out two weeks ago.

This attitude immediately sent me over the edge. The next day I began having a relationship with a woman I had recently met at a civic organization meeting. I fell into the same trap that my wife did. Here is someone that is making me feel so important, so desired, blah blah blah. I was absolutely loving that I felt alive for the first time in nearly two years, but at the same time I knew that this was NOT where my heart was. My wife found out about the relationship shortly thereafter and it obviously turned up the heat but we were still somehow able to remain civil.

Last week, I had what I can only describe as an epiphamy. I realized that I no longer was constantly bombarded with the pain that had driven me to this place that I was now in. I believed that I was still in love with my wife and that I could finally forgive her and trust her again. I immediately contacted her, begged for her forgiveness, expressed my sincere remorse, and asked that she consider a very slow reconciliation process with counseling. Her reaction to this was extremely skeptical (can't blame her there) and even created an anger in her that I've never before seen. I ended the relationship I had begun during the separation but she rightfully doesn't believe it. 

At this point, she wants ZERO communication with me unless it is absolutely necessary. She says that she is not saying yes or no to reconciling because she understandably has much pain. She also says that the more I apologize to her or any other type of communication, the more she becomes angry. She says that she can easily get over my relationship with the other worman, but the fact I was willing to end the marriage and divorce is the hardest part and she doesn't know if she will ever get past that.

I have told her that I am committed to waiting as long as necessary so long as she does not close the door on our marriage. She refuses to go to counseling together anytime in the near future. I began going to counseling on my own last week to determine my motivations for doing this, to confirm that I am completely sure I want to reconcile, and to understand what is going on with my wife emotionally.

What is going on with her? What can I possibly do to prove to her that I truly remorseful and want to be with her unconditionally? If she says she doesn't want me to communicate with her, wouldn't she feel that I didn't care about her if I didn't communicate?

Any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

D2W..

Stop what you are doing, now! So, your wife had an affair and your end reaction was to separate. Nothing wrong with that.
You had a rebound relationship. In my opinion, these things happen. Maybe a little rushed, and not all that healthy, but understandable.

Then, you called your wife up, begged, pleaded, and apologized to her? Why? You basically apologized to her for her having an affair. Now you put the power of the relationship decision back into her hand. NOT GOOD!

You have to MAN UP! You have every right to your feelings and how you wish to handle them. She needs to understand the consequences of having an affair. That consequence is you deciding to end the marriage. She felt remorseful at Xmas because she started to understand the consequences. Now, by you handing over your NUTS to her with your begging, you are basically absolving her of any resposibility in the affair.

The suicide thinking is dangerous! Please get help with counseling on that issue immediately, my friend. You need to once again find your own strength internally. 

This seems insurmountable right now with all that is going on, but you will find happiness again. A lot of us have been here before, myself included. 

Go to the Mens clubhouse forum here. Read the top sticky about manning up. Maybe there is something you can take from that group of wonderful people on this site. 

Me...I kicked my wife out. Hardest thing I ever did. She came back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drawn2Water (Feb 14, 2011)

You are absolutely right about her being on a power trip right now. I am giving her until the end of this week to deal with this however she may need to. At that point I am not holding back any punches and will be rather matter of fact with her.

Her reaction could go either way but at least I will have felt like I gave it a try and stood up for myself at some point.

Thank you for the candid advice! :smthumbup:


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, if u want to work it out with your wife, then that is your choice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. But you'll have to do a few things first.

One. Stop apologizing. This makes you look weak, in my opinion. You have nothing to apologize for and it ends up looking desperate and clingy, which is why your wife may have gotten irritated with you when you did.

Your wifes comments to you about the best present are probably based on anger and fear. I wouldn't take this to heart. My wife said some really cruel stuff to me during the separation also.

Let her talk about her feelings about her anger with you over forcing a divorce. Just listen, and comment, but don't try to fix anything. There will be time for that later. Let her feel like it's safe talking to you without judgement by yourself. If she feels this way, she will open up more and feel secure with you.

If you want to move forward, then you have to let go of your anger and resentment. Easier said then done. With me, I just realized that I couldn't obsess about it any longer. I just had to let it go. I realized that from this point forward, I no longer care what happened in the past. I'll use the past for learning and growth but I wanted to focus on the healing required now in the relationship. 

You should read some books. Three come to mind that helped me...

Hold onto your NUTS.
No more Mr. Nice guy
for men only

I got them from the kindle site and just downloaded the kindle client for desktops. Works the same...
Reading these books opened my eyes into how to live happier with myself, and also in a relationship.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Drawn2Water...you have NOTHING to apologise for! You had this relationship with another woman AFTER you told your wife it was over...so that's totally fine and YOUR business! She still owes YOU a huge apology! I think you should stick to your guns and stay away from your ex-wife...otherwise you'll just be jumping back into a relationship where you're not treated with the love and respect you deserve. Don't you deserve better?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I agree with the others. Your wife is manipulative and callous. she is either un-remorseful or angry. When is she loving in nice? Not in any history you have written about. Dump her, move on and be happy.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I watched a YouTube video the other day. It was about a Japanese Marathon. This guy was a nobody, not expected to place or anything... He went through all kinds of adversity and went the entire race giving his all and suffering through the hard times. 

1 block from the finish line.. ONE BLOCK... and he makes a wrong turn... He would have finished first, but he didnt, he crossed the finish line in tears. Now the world gets to watch his fate unfold on the world wide web. 

Brother, You felt the pain, made all the right calls and were ready to divorce in a civil manner... then you took a wrong turn at the last second.

Here is the good news... This isnt a race.

You can still come out a winner here, if you can realize you were on the right path before, and get back on it. Im not gonna list all the reasons why I think you should, because I dont have to live with the consequences of my advice. 

What I can tell you is this: If you were " all ready to seperate, with an agreed custody" then you were in a good place. But you Balked... and now you have doubts. 

Remember what they told you before all those college tests? Trust your first answer.

Thats my 2 bits.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

:iagree:with 2timeloser :iagree:


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Drawn2Water said:


> I subsequently moved out two weeks ago.
> 
> This attitude immediately sent me over the edge. The next day I began having a relationship with a woman I had recently met at a civic organization meeting.


 I am not saying you were wrong to move on, but I am going to say I find it very interesting that THE NEXT DAY you had someone waiting for you. That kinda makes me think you were not so innocent. I could be wrong, but that seems awfully odd to me.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I am not saying you were wrong to move on, but I am going to say I find it very interesting that THE NEXT DAY you had someone waiting for you. That kinda makes me think you were not so innocent. I could be wrong, but that seems awfully odd to me.




I don't think he had them "waiting" as much as he had an opportunity, that he took advantage of. 

The truth is that I have chances to cheat every day. Everyone does. In the workplace, the grocery store... everywhere. What seperates Man from beast is the ability to NOT act upon them. I would guess that once he realized his situation, he simply turned that switch off.

In the end, it wasnt a bad thing. The only bad thing he did was go back to her and tell her. 

Not that I am defending his overall position, but I admire a guy who can look at a situation, make a decision and then move forward. once you go back on it though... you lose momentum.

Wouldnt it be easier for the "victims" of cheating to be told " I cheated because I dont care about you enough to respect our vows and I am leaving"? Rather than.. " i have to think about how I feel" and all that other nonsence?


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## Drawn2Water (Feb 14, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I am not saying you were wrong to move on, but I am going to say I find it very interesting that THE NEXT DAY you had someone waiting for you. That kinda makes me think you were not so innocent. I could be wrong, but that seems awfully odd to me.


DawnD.... I can totally understand how you would think that. I had an acquaintance through a civic organization that I knew was going through the same thing since it had come up in conversations we had about our similar issues. I don't think either of us imagined a relationship prior to me declaring my divorce intentions. I asked her to lunch to tell her what I was going through and that is how I learned of our mutual interests in each other. I sincerely regret making that move so quickly.


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