# why is this so hard



## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

I have beenmarried to my husband for almost 4 years, together for five. It has been one heck of a roller coaster ride and i want off. I have decided to leave this relationship and just looking for a kind word to help ease my guilt. MAybe?My husband is very attnetive to my needs in love and companionship and financially. But he is extremely insecure for no reason. I have seen a pattern of bizarre behavior from him. there have been more times than i can count over the years of rage over me leaving to visit my family or work and numerous phone calls to checkup on my where abouts whenever im not in his sight. he has never had a close family and sometime i think he is jealous of mine., I have encouraged him to attend all my family gatherings with open arms but it is not enough for him. maybe he doesnt know how to have a family. not sure. there have been numerous birthdays,, holidays and many more occasions he has ruined for me justbecause of his insecurities, i have spoken with him many times of how he makes me feel. Apologies and sorries but just until the next episode . i cant take it anymore . this is not what love is suposed to be about.i always get sucked back in to his web of apologies and his minimizing of the situation, when its good its good but when its bad its torture. no physical but emotional abuse.. i cant do this anymore. i am losing who i am. and my family.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

I should probably state that this was a quick engagement and we should never have followed through in the beginning. we were arguing on the morning of our wedding day. He has ups and downs ebbs and flows of happy, sad, mad. I am currnetly on a twelve day stint away from home for work but am able to go home for few hours during the day to visit. he waited until 20 minutes before time for me to go to work and caused total chaos because he would be sleeping at home alone. went to visit my oldest son for over night visit and because he got bored he decided we were leaving at 1130 at night for a two hour drive hom. i left just to keep the peace. i am princess one minute to him and a complete burden on him the next.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

i have mentioned counseling and or seperation for us and he will jump into a fit of rage. starts calling me names and telling me im just a user. NOT TRUE I work. When i mentioned seperation this week he decide to tell me a secret. he sits me down and tells me he thinks hes dying !!! I really think this is manipulation but i am in denial. or ignorance


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

i'm gonna guess he was from a broken home? It seems like he's continuing a cycle that was taught to him, even if it was unknowingly. He needs to get into some independent therapy and work his issues. Think what he's passing onto your child if he doesn't seek help. The cycle will continue.

That being said, sounds like a separation would be in order. Your gonna have to really rattle him for him to want to see a therapist and the issues finally surface in his eyes. Right now he probably doesn't know he's got issues that he needs to deal with, denial.

Whether you stay with him or not, he needs help. You might need to get into some counseling yourself to deal with the resentment you've been building up. That's where you and a professional can seek a proper course of action.

Good luck


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

He says he will only go to counseling if its free. i mean really!!! Thanks for your kind words.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

he is from a broken home and very distant from all of his family. i know he has fears of abandonment. i guess his fears are going to come true. Because my health and state of mind is at risk here and i can not do this anymore


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

He's not gonna be willing to do anything till you basically call his bluff with a separation. He's got no reason, in his eyes to change, that reason will be losing you and the child. Its his wake up call, and its not gonna happen overnight, IF you can get out of the house, give it a week or two, then he's gonna either start to wonder how to fix this, or just walk away. Either scenario is something you need to happen. That's when you have to be strong enough to say, no way, not until you give me 6-8 therapy sessions.

Again, its not gonna be easy, but what your doing now isn't working either. So try something new.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

true words.We dont have any children together, thank goodness. he is 14 years my elder.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

thank goodness for the no children, makes things much easier as far as your choices. Be careful of a desperate man with issues thou, not saying he could get violent, but desperate people do desperate things. He might even play the suicide card, if he does, call 911.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

yeah he could very well pull that card , cause he gets real desperate when he thinks he will end up alone. i really think he has developed a severe case of anxiety disorder


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

IHTE, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you find yourself in a toxic marriage. I agree with the advice already offered by Thumper. I also suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. The behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, strong fear of abandonment (i.e., irrational jealousy), controlling behavior (i.e., trying to isolate you away from all friends and family), and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

Of course, only a professional can determine whether your H's BPD traits are so strong as to meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. You therefore cannot _diagnose_ your H's issues. Simply _spotting the warning signs_ for BPD, however, is not difficult if you take a little time to learn what red flags to look for. 

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, IHTE.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

thank you Uptown! wow talk about hitting the nail on the head!!!


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

my biggest emotion right now is the guilt for not telling him i am leaving. i am afraid he will go off the deep end and hurt me. is it okay to just walk away and not tell him face to face. i was thinking a note would be safest.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You know him better than any of us, do what you think is right for your situation. Your other choice is to have a friend come with you while your packing, have her phone ready to dial 911. 

Good luck


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Again, I agree with Thumper. If he is as emotionally unstable as you seem to describe, his behavior is unpredictable when his greatest fear -- abandonment -- is realized.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Your husband sounds just like my husband when it comes to family gatherings and throwing fits when you're trying to leave for work. 

Sounds like he might have co-dependency issues.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

thanks for all the advice, i have been to some of the other links and read alot over the past couple days. I know what i have to do. I can not fix him. He is broken and i realize this goes way back in time before me. I can already feel myself detaching so that it the first step to my road to healing. I have contacted a support group in the town im relocating to. I have my duckies in arow for a new life without him.now to work on this guilt!!! thanks again


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

the last day has been calm around here. He is on his best behaviour. but that doe nothing to change my mind!


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

I read your thread, sorry if I this was already said.

Have you tried getting him help? You cant stay if its unbearable, but before you leave, have you given your 100 percent? Soometimes we need to help our love ones. If he cant be helped, leave.


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## it has to end (May 26, 2013)

Update; He is back to empty promises and if i hadnt done what I did then he wouldnt be like this. I think he is putting it together that I plan to leave. Sugar couldnt melt in his mouth nowadays. How good we are together, how he needs me, loves me, dont want to live without me. He says hes gonna fix this marriage. Help im drowning!!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Take it day by day. Actions speak louder than words


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