# Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?



## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I'm not sure if this is the proper venue for my post since I am not the betrayed spouse so I apologize in advance if I touch a nerve or am in the wrong by posting. 

I've been with my wife since 2007 and married since 2009. We have a 2 y.o. son and we are expecting a daughter in June. I've always had an issue with boundaries and avoiding cheating. I was on the other side and cheated on quite a few times when I was younger and that sort of made me bitter about the whole thing. Why stay faithful when no one else is? I think looking back the first few girls I dated were just bad apples and it really messed with the way I see relationships for a long time. 

The only woman I love is my wife and she is the most important person in my world (along with our kids). I cheated quite a bit when we first dated and a few times within the first year of our marriage. I sort of had a light-bulb moment once our son was born and I haven't done anything of a physical nature with a woman since his birth. I couldn't give exact numbers for how many times I cheated but there were six other women in total from the time we were dating and married. It is awful and I am so embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I should never have done that. 

I haven't done any actual physical cheating with the woman my wife knows about. My wife accidentally read a message on my phone and with a little digging found a lot of texts and emails back and forth from me to a married co-worker. It was a lot of flirting and it was inappropriate. She is heartbroken and is so angry at me. I know I was wrong and I want to do what it takes to fix our marriage and keep our family intact for our kids. I am not going to cheat on her ever again. 

My issue is do I tell her about the physical affairs. If by some chance she finds out on her own it would be game over. She would leave and file for divorce. I am almost certain of it. She says she has never even said anything inappropriate to a guy and me flirting with my co-worker violated our marriage vows. I'm just terrified. She is so angry over the flirty emails. If she knew the truth I am afraid she would kill me. I don't know what to do.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

No! She is pregnant. You wait until she is at least physically able to bear that news. When I found out about my husbands emotional affair it tore me apart physically as well. insomnia, not eating....etc...
To determine if you should tell her now I have a few questions and i can give you a better answer. 
1. the emotional affair that your wife knows about, what exactly was the nature of the emotions? Did you want to leave your wife? Were you complaining about your marriage to her? 
Did you feel your self drifting away from your wife? Did you fall in love with this woman? Or just liked the ladies attention? purely for potential sex? 
2. the girls you slept with did it start with an emotional affair that progressed and ultimately led to having sex or were they one night stands? What are you saying to this women to get them to bed you?
To answer this question we need the facts. Be honest for once.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So in five years you've cheated on her - physically - with six women and are having an EA with a seventh? Do I have that right?

WOW!

Do you respect her? If you do, do you really have a choice? You have dug yourself a hell of a hole and IMO she needs to know. Why? Because if you don't tell her you'll do it again - you're doing it again with OW#7, you just found a format that you could justify. I had an EA to, it's cheating all day long. Given your proclivity to cheat and your proximity to your EA partner dollars to doughnuts if she's willing you'd have closed the deal to a PA. 

IMO you're only chance of saving your marriage is to tell her and in trying to save it she may well call it quits - would you really blame her? If you don't tell her, like I said, you'll do it again and eventually get caught and then it will be over but you will each have wasted more years of your life in a marriage that was doomed because you wouldn't stand up and be held accountable for your actions. Additionally your kids will be older, while divorce would be hard on your son and coming daughter, it will be much harder on them when they're 10 and 8. 

You need to stand up and take accountability for your actions, accept the consequences and pay the prices. She may leave you, she may decide to give you one more shot. Either way she's entitled to all of the information about her life - don't you think?


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

underrain said:


> 1. the emotional affair that your wife knows about, what exactly was the nature of the emotions? Did you want to leave your wife? Were you complaining about your marriage to her?
> Did you feel your self drifting away from your wife? Did you fall in love with this woman? Or just liked the ladies attention? purely for potential sex?


The emotions were more like when you first start dating someone. I was smitten with her. The actual talks and messages were more just like us complaining together and flirting with another. There were a few images exchanged. Some were inappropriate. 

I was complaining about my marriage to her some but I was more listening to her complain about her husband. I was not in love with her. I liked her but I wasn't in love with her. I was flattered by the attentino and I liked talking to her. I wasn't in it for the sex. It may have happened if my wife didn't find out but my goal was not to get laid. I really have tried to become better on my own and I haven't cheated on my wife in 2 years physically. 



underrain said:


> 2. the girls you slept with did it start with an emotional affair that progressed and ultimately led to having sex or were they one night stands? What are you saying to this women to get them to bed you?


It was a mix I guess. One was with an ex-girlfriend that I ran into and we reconnected and it just happened. One was with a co-worker. It wasn't anything I said. We just worked together and we liked one another. The rest were basically one night stands or really short relationships. I think you could consider one of the one night stands an emotional affair since we flirted for a few weeks online before hand. Like I said I haven't done any of this since the end of 2009. So it is the past quite a bit.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

Do not by any means tell your wife you were smitten by her. Ouch. She is pregnant and already feels maybe unattractive or at least not at her best physically. Do NOT tell her now.
Ok From what I read um ya you definitely have a boundry problem but why?
Do you have an impulse control problem? We all like to feel good and when we first meet someone we are smitten by it gives us butterflies and a feeling like being high. Maybe you like this feeling of being on cloud nine and adored. 
Your wifes attention and admiration will never give you these feelings after the initial phase the honey moon period. If you know its not for sex and its not for a relationship then the only thing left is that you like the attention from women it makes you feel alive. I would go to a therapist and get checked for depression adhd, prone to addictions, etc......sometimes you might just feel bored and think why not! thats an impulse boredom problem. you think its not going to hurt anyone because youll never get caught then when you do all of a sudden your remorseful or at least want to fix your issues. why didnt you tell her long ago if you really wanted to change. it seems like you got caught and all of a sudden your crazy for your wife. Is it the drama of getting caught that now gives you the rush to feel for your wife some excitement?
there is however one other thing that may potentially have aided your behavior do you feel your wife mistreats you or that you guys argue too much? so your justified? is there resentment between you guys? is she cold or mean or pretty nice?


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

So all these women will sleep with you with no intentions of a relationship? how are you breaking them off ? i find this hard to believe unless you are telling them lies like you want to leave your wife or making them feel bad for you in some way. most women dont have sex unless they are led to believe there is potential for a future or they are in love.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

btw all the questions im asking your wife will ask a million times over.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

smit·ten
   [smit-n] Show IPA 

adjective 
1. 
struck, as with a hard blow. 

2. 
grievously or disastrously stricken or afflicted. 

3. 
very much in love.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm going to wait for some of the other women to chime in but I'm betting the fact that she's pregnant will NOT be seen as a valid reason to delay telling her. 

Every day she doesn't know is another day she's living a lie and every day she lives a lie you dig your hole deeper.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

you can not effectively bond with a baby under that stress. thats my opinion. if it was purely for sex i would say dont even tell her because thats not a threat to you abandoning the family but you said smitten and oooops you have to tell her so she can stop having your kids....... one day one girl will come along and demand you leave your wife just watch


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

unless you were really stupid and had sex with out a condomn then ya tell her thats gross and a health hazard and you need to leave her!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So if it was just sex she's not entitled to know? Really? Even if it was unprotected???

IMO and, if I may presume to speak for the group, the majority consensus of this board - the betrayed spouse is ALWAYS entitled to the truth. No exceptions.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

Im sorry i dont agree if one is purely out for sex thats an addiction that needs to be dealt with. not love or anything to do with the spouse unless he is exposing her to diseases. but its his call.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

no offense sigma just an opinion


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

None taken. To tell or not to tell is a hotly debated topic here periodically. But like I said the majority always favors the truth. Being a guy I'm less certain if her being pregnant is a valid reason to withhold or not but my instinct says not. I'm sure some of the other lady members will be by to post their opinions.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you had yourself tested for STDs?

In this day and age, having sex with other people (whether with a condom, or not--and BJs rarely involve condoms) puts you at enormous risk.

This so profoundly unfair, for you to stick an intimate organ into someone else's body, and then to turn around and stick it in your wife.

What she doesn't know not only can hurt her, it can kill her.

I'm sorry I won't be posting in this thread again, your past actions and desire for validation to keep it all secret make me too sick.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

underrain said:


> No! She is pregnant. You wait until she is at least physically able to bear that news. When I found out about my husbands emotional affair it tore me apart physically as well. insomnia, not eating....etc...
> To determine if you should tell her now I have a few questions and i can give you a better answer.
> 1. the emotional affair that your wife knows about, what exactly was the nature of the emotions? Did you want to leave your wife? Were you complaining about your marriage to her?
> Did you feel your self drifting away from your wife? Did you fall in love with this woman? Or just liked the ladies attention? purely for potential sex?
> ...



I disagree, he needs to tell her like yesterday. His wife has every right to know the kind of man she is married to. A man who has slept with 6 other women during the course of their marriage. God knows what he could have given her. 

Not telling her because she is pregnant would be a cop out. There is never a good time for anyone to hear the one they love and trust with their life betrayed them so shamelessly. She has the right to decide if their marriage is worth saving or not. The minute he cheated he lost his say in the matter.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Have you had yourself tested for STDs?
> 
> In this day and age, having sex with other people (whether with a condom, or not--and BJs rarely involve condoms) puts you at enormous risk.
> 
> ...


My fiance confessed while I was pregnant...your wife is already torn apart and putting stress on the baby. If you tell her what you have done...the word crippling comes to mind. She deserves the truth, though she is going to wish everyday she didn't. Don't wait to tell her because she is going to end uo working through what you have already done only to be hit over the head once again. Tell her and then brace yourself. What you have done to her is nothing short of evil. Why the hell didn't you just stay single?????????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itsnotyouitsme (Apr 25, 2012)

No Sympathy brother. She needs to leave you. You will not get it until she is gone and takes the kids with her.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I didn't say I was married or had a girlfriend when I hooked up with the other women. I'm sure it would have been different if they knew about my wife. I haven't slept with anyone else since our son was born. 

I don't want to hurt the baby and I don't want to cause my wife extra pain. I am just so scared that she is going to find out later. I'm not sure how she would find out but its possible. There were other people involved and people who know so its not like a complete secret. 

It was a horrible thing what I did to her. At least with the messages to my co-worker our marriage was kind of in a rough patch. I cheated when we were really happy and it was a scummy thing to do.

Sorry I'm not great at this quotes system. I didn't use a condom every time. I had an STD check in 2010 and I was clean then. I haven't slept with anyone other than my wife since.


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## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

I found out about my husband's affair while I was pregnant and let me just say that it almost killed me emotionally. I don't think telling her about physical relations right now will be beneficial. I have actually wondered about how the stress of it all affected my child while in utero. Just something to think about. Good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fallen: You'd be lower than a snakes belly to tell your wife about all of this in her present family condition. But, in time, you better plan on having a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with her because she greatly deserves it and you owe it to her as her husband. In fact, I feel that it would be even better for you to go into IC, or try to receive some form of pastoral counseling and get advice on how to break this potentially shattering news to her. You also need to be checked out by a Doctor for STD's as it would be absolutely unpardonable for you to have passed that along to your wife.

In any event, be prepared to deal with the consequences because you could fastly find yourself on the outside looking in.
The resulting affairs here are not so nearly important as the betrayal of marital trust is. Not only did you betray your wife, you betrayed your family.

The good news is that God truly forgives, and hopefully in time, that your wife will also extend her forgiveness to you. But just be prepared for anything on this most treacherous road that you're now about to journey. You and your family will continue to remain in my prayers!


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## Pessimystical (Apr 25, 2012)

I agree, you can't tell her something like that while she's pregnant. 
Chances are, she probably already suspects it anyway but just doesn't want to know.
In her present condition, she can't even have a drink and a cigarette to help her cope. Leave it be.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

But you said you would have had sex with this woman if your wife did not find out. You are exactly the same weak boy you were before the birth of your son. 

You are incapable of being faithful. You will never be faithful. Once a serial cheater always a serial cheater. You were probably messed up mentally by the women who cheated on you. 

You let those woman really mess your sorry life up. Your decision to take revenge was a bad one. Look at where it's got you. A boy stuck in an empty void. That's why revenge is not a wise persons game. Those women moved on and matured long ago and left you to wallow in dirt. 

Wouldn't you be happier single then you could eeff around with women 2X2. Won't that be fun, you brag about how many chicks you get to any man that will listen. Just think of it. Of course you won't have the trill of knowing that you are pulling the wool over the eyes of women. That's you real reason for your deceptions. 

What a man you are, you sure got them back. But you are still as worthless a man as you were when those women cheated on you. You cannot garner a woman's love like other men. So you have no victory, that's why you can't stop. 

If your wife really knew you she would be disgusted with the kind of man you really are. For all your bragging about what you are doing you are still a sad impotent failure as a man. 

Why stay married to this faithful woman? Why expose your wife to STD's and your children to an unhappy mother. She is not the one who made you feel impotent. 

You chose revenge instead of growth and your reward is to watch real men who experience their manhood by their ability to succeed in work, support their family. Plus nurture their children and make their wife happy and be good sex partners to the woman to whom they commit. 

I really hope your wife finds out and leaves you, if not now then very soon. Her kids are still young and she can marry again to a decent man who will protect and love her and be a decent father figure for the kids. 

You can galavant with all the woman you can persuade to touch you until you shrivel up with some STD.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I didn't say I would have sex with her. It was just going down that path. Thankfully it didn't happen. 

I know it must sound ridiculous but I haven't been with anyone else in over 2 years. So I do think I can change. I agree I was messed up by being cheated on. It definitely shaped how I think of women and how I act in relationships. The shame is my wife is/was the victim in this and she is innocent. 

I love my wife. I wouldn't be happier single. I would miss her so much. I've never even considered for a second of leaving my wife for another woman. My wife has always been my focus. And my wife does love me. 

Like I said as of 2010 I didn't have any STDs. I haven't slept with anyone else other than my wife so I am fairly sure I am clean and healthy. 

I do have a good job and I provide for my family. My son loves me so much and I am a good dad to him. I don't know where you get off on telling me I am a bad father and someone else should raise my kids. Even if we were to get divorced I would still be my kids' dad. 

I made some mistakes but I want to change and be the husband my wife deserves. 

Thanks to all for the advice. I will put off making a decision on telling her for the time being.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> Thanks to all for the advice. I will put off making a decision on telling her for the time being.


I said I wouldn't post, but this brought be back.

So predictable! Putting off the decision = you're never going to tell her.

Coward.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I just don't want to hurt her or the baby. Its not based on me being a coward or not. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I did something that caused harm to our baby. Surely you can understand that? 

I'm going to take some time and think and see if its best to tell her. It may just end up causing her more pain. I don't think I am going to cheat again. This was a huge wake up call. I need to really go back and see if there is any way my wife would find out about the other stuff. If there is a chance I would be better off confessing but if there is no chance than maybe I need to just change and be a better husband and never make the same mistake again. I'm sorry if I'm predictable. I just love my wife and I can't in good faith tell her right now.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

It is extremely difficult for those of us here that have been cheated on to read your post. It's not that your post are somethin unheard of, it's things you say. I find it interesting that now that you have been 'caught' that you are so worried about hurting your wife. Really? I think you are fearful of what your wife might and should do, which is get rid of you! She has MORE than every right to know but it isn't my place to say if she should be told before or after the birth of her child. Like all cheaters.....it's all about you even though you try really hard to act as if you are just torn apart by what you have done to your wife. You have NO idea what torn apart feels like.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I just don't want to hurt her or the baby. Its not based on me being a coward or not. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I did something that caused harm to our baby. Surely you can understand that?
> 
> I'm going to take some time and think and see if its best to tell her. It may just end up causing her more pain. I don't think I am going to cheat again. This was a huge wake up call. I need to really go back and see if there is any way my wife would find out about the other stuff. If there is a chance I would be better off confessing but if there is no chance than maybe I need to just change and be a better husband and never make the same mistake again. I'm sorry if I'm predictable. I just love my wife and I can't in good faith tell her right now.


Oh wow. Maybe, just maybe, you should have loved your wife enough to keep it zipped.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I've said it before and I'll say it again I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!

Don't mess up my utopia by clearing your guilty conscious. I can think of many things that after the fact I wish I wouldn't have known............principle be damned the reality is the pain sucks far more than "knowing the real truth" would make feel good.

Of course there are assumptions I'm making that you are truly sorry, that you know you have no STD's, that you are through with cheating.

Best of luck!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are a good father? You can't face reality that your problem. You take time and energy away from your family by engaging in useless pursuit of ego stroking and pleasure seeking. 

You hurt their mother risk her health with a nasty disease that she does not deserve and you consider yourself a good father? Tell that to a decent man and see if you get a pat on the back. 

You will get a look of utter contempt and pity for the depth of your ignorance about what it takes to parent. You did one thing right he has a good and faithful mother who will always give him the attention he needs while his "father" is chasing his lower brain around. 

That is good fatherhood in your book? Your son loves you now because he does not know how unlucky he is. He will find out when he is older and you continue to need your ego stroked. He will find out that while other fathers are nurturing and guiding their sons, his father is out hunting women like a dog in heat. He will see that that is more important to you than him or his mother. That love is likely to turn to hate. 

He see you for the weak self-centered man you are when his mother becomes depressed and hopefully divorces you. Yes you will always be his father but you will not be a man he wants to emulate. 

But you have not changed you are are delusional you had another affair that would have gone physical. You know that. You know you will do it again under the right circumstances and again and again. Each time you will feel so sorry. 

Having a son was not enough to stop you for more than a short time, having another child won't make any difference. 

You allowed yourself to be messed over by cheating women! Now you hate women including your wife for your weakness. You are the one at fault - how dare you destroy the lives of your young over cheating women. In essence you gave them power over your life, your kids lives and your wife. That makes you feel like a good father and man???

That makes sense to you? That makes you a very sad man if you can allow cheating women from years ago to eeef you up so badly now. I feel more sorry for you than your wife and kids. 

You are the one that will lose the most. You are hurting people who did nothing to you because you can't get back at the women who hurt you and are still kicking your azz and unfortunately you family. Be a man for once and protect them. Just leave.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Tell your wife everything and tell the married woman's husband. 

Oh and messing with married women? really? sheesh


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## UpperSideOfDown (Oct 27, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I didn't say I would have sex with her. It was just going down that path. Thankfully it didn't happen.
> 
> I know it must sound ridiculous but I haven't been with anyone else in over 2 years. So I do think I can change. I agree I was messed up by being cheated on. It definitely shaped how I think of women and how I act in relationships. The shame is my wife is/was the victim in this and she is innocent.
> 
> ...



I don't really like the idea of telling your wife so short before giving birth. When I found out the first time about my husbands cheating I was pregnant and almost had a miscarriage.

But, FallenMan... if you really love your wife and want to change then you look for a therapist asap and get some individual counseling for sexual compulsive behavior. This therapist can also work with you on an full disclosure and the best time to do this. 

Let me tell you... my husband thought that he can "heal himself" and was clean for about two and a half years after my son's birth. But excuses are found quick when it itches again. Then he did it again. I don't think you are an exception.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I do know what it feels like to be cheated on. I know too well. The first girl I dated cheated on me. It hurts like hell. Honestly going back I wish we just broke up and I never found out about her cheating. That is part of the reason why I kind of don't want to tell my wife. 

A lot of it is less noble and more selfish though. I don't want to risk losing my son or daughter and I don't want to mess with their childhood. Our son is so happy and we have a nice home and a really happy life and I don't want to screw it up. I know now what I was doing was so dangerous and I want to make changes.


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## UpperSideOfDown (Oct 27, 2011)

Sooner or later she will find out, FallenMan. And this will make things worse. You only put the problem on hold.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I do know what it feels like to be cheated on. I know too well.


If that's truly the case, then since when do "two wrongs" make "a right?" I think it's truly time to invite the Heavenly Father into your life. Because all I can see is your stated priority in justifying your actions. When you married your wife, she became your *priority* in life, not some *appendage* from your zipper! It's truly time that you found God, and in doing so, became the man that He so meant for you to be!


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I didn't say I would have sex with her. It was just going down that path. Thankfully it didn't happen.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



By you stating that it was "going down that path" is saying that you were going to have sex with OW. You don't stop yourself what stopped you was that your wife found out. So don't try and take credit for that one.


Of course you wouldn't be happier single because then it wouldn't be as thrilling to have had sex with those women without having an innocent victim at the other end! How has your wife been your focus? You stopped physically cheating because of the birth of your son, so does that mean if your child had not been born you would still be cheating? Your wife loves you and she doesn't know how you have shoved the infidelity knife in her back various times. Sad really.

If you truly want to be the husband your wife deserves then start by being completely honest with her. Here is a news flash for ya - it's not going to hurt any less if you tell her later, nope it will still feel like her heart was torn out of her chest by the person who she loved and trusted. 

You not telling her IS being cowardly because you are taking advantage of her condition and using it as a shield of excuse to not tell her that you have been much more of a scummy H than she thinks you already are. 

Actions have consequences darlin and it's high time you faced yours if you really want to change. Keeping all your dirty secrets is taking steps back in any progress your claim to be making. 

I truly hope you can see past the insults (which you expected) and read the advice given by the wise people of this forum some have been cheaters as well as betrayed spouses.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Maybe you were cheated on but apparently the pain didn't strike you to your core. If it had you would have never done the same thing to your wife, who by the way had nothing to do with the girls before her. You haven't a clue about the pain you have inflicted on your wife. I just hope your wife is a strong woman that will focus on her children and remove you from her life. You can still be a father but your halo just won't be above your head anymore.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You will have to tell your wife, but I suggest a different way of telling her. You should date a letter with today's date, and begin writing a lengthy and detailed letter. You will be specific in the letter. Generalities or evasiveness will cause even more harm, if that is possible. You will begin going to counseling now. You don't need to tell your wife yet that you are in counseling. AFTER the baby is born you will tell your wife and you will give her the letter that started with today's date on it. She will not hear most of what you say and may take off or tell you to get out, so she needs the letter. Keep a copy, because she may tear it up. Tell her you are in counseling. She won't want to hear you will change, she needs to know you have accepted responsibility and are taking active steps to change. That may or may not save your "marriage", but she has a right to know; and she probably has enough doubts and suspicions already that your future together is doomed unless you come completely clean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

You MUST tell her. NOW. Not telling her is not alot different than just continuing with the affair IMO. They are both deceitful. They are both hurtful. Neither allow your wife to make her own choices about rather or not she wants to be with you. 

The other part of this is that if she is anything at all like me, once she finds out one thing she will have the idea in her head(like I did) "wow, when you see one rat, there are 10 you dont see" and she will like I did just start digging for the truth. Its out there to be found, ALWAYS. You'd be shocked to know just how willing people are to tell the wife everything they know. 

Do it for your children's mother. Give her the respect you havent been giving her all along. Allow her to decide if she will stay with you. Allow her to decide if you're worthy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't say you are not telling her so you don't hurt her.

You have already hurt her. You have betrayed her, your marriage, your son, and your unborn child.

You are a serial cheater. 

Not only did you have sex with 1 woman, you fvcked woman #2, woman #3, woman #4, woman #5, woman #6 and you were currently on woman #7.

That's a lot of women.

You are a serial cheater. 

The fact you say you stopped this behavior is null and void since, well, you may have stopped sleeping with other women, but you were having your 7th affair in your marriage.

Tell your wife. She deserves to know who she is married to do and decide for herself if she wants to be with you or not. Right now, you are deciding for her, you have been deciding since 7 women ago. It's totally unfair.

It sounds like you are only owrrying because she just now found out about woman #7 (thinking she was woman #1). Would you ever have stopped? I mean really? Would you have? YOu said yourself you don't "think" you would cheat again and that says it all really--you're not sure. 

She deserves the truth. You should respect her enough by telling her. 

Oh and I see you're also worried about it getting out to her from other people that you've cheated on her with other women--that several people know about your affairs--that is an ever bigger slap int the face to her, a bigger insult--because the world knows you betrayed her--she just doesn't. That is humiliating and embarrassing to her on so many levels.

Respect her enough to tell her The Truth. Don't you think as your wife, a woman who has married you, who has born you children, deserves as much? 

She needs to get tested for STDs. 

And stop blaming your cheating on your exes. You say how horrible it is to be cheated on but you never got cheated on in a MARRIAGE. Not saying regular cheating doesn't suck, but being cheated on in a marriage, by a person whom you said vows with ... is awful.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Fallenman -- Guess what? My H had an affair and thought just like you did. Oh, she will NEVER find out. Guess what? 18 months later I did. And that compiled it to this huge mess, and one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. There are still shows and movies that I can not watch. 

You chose to break your vow to your wife. By hiding who you truly are, you are lying to her to keep her in a marriage with you all the while knowing you haven't been faithful. Instead of worrying about yourself, which is what you are ACTUALLY doing, you need to consider her. No, she won't kill you. She will probably leave you, but you are the cause of that, not her. You aren't protecting HER, you are looking out for yourself and your Other Women. Stop trying to convince yourself this is about her, its about you. You don't want to face the consequences for your actions. If you are man enough to make the choice, be man enough to take the consequence.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Fallenman -- Guess what? My H had an affair and thought just like you did. Oh, she will NEVER find out. Guess what? 18 months later I did. And that compiled it to this huge mess, and one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. There are still shows and movies that I can not watch.
> 
> You chose to break your vow to your wife. By hiding who you truly are, you are lying to her to keep her in a marriage with you all the while knowing you haven't been faithful. Instead of worrying about yourself, which is what you are ACTUALLY doing, you need to consider her. No, she won't kill you. She will probably leave you, but you are the cause of that, not her. You aren't protecting HER, you are looking out for yourself and your Other Women. Stop trying to convince yourself this is about her, its about you. You don't want to face the consequences for your actions. If you are man enough to make the choice, be man enough to take the consequence.


Yep they all think "she'll never find out" .....WE DO.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> Yep they all think "she'll never find out" .....WE DO.


Exactly. 18 months later on Facebook I get the message. Yep, that's right, someone will find her and tell her. It is all a matter of time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and........if she finds out on her own, it's going to be 1000x worse. You can count on it. Because she will think, "Damn. He didn't even have the decency to tell me himself--I had to hear it through a third party/find out on my own."

Skeletons have a way of coming out of the closet when you least expect it.

And you can bank on that.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

FallenMan, it sounds like your "awakening" 2 years ago after you had your son was more of a "dry spell". The first woman that comes along and gives you a bit of attention, you jump in head first. You openly admit that you were probably going to have sex with her. Either your "awakening" only lasted 2 years or there was no "awakening", you just didn't have much time on your hands with a new baby. Now, with the baby a bit older, a bit less "new" to you, you are back to your old ways.

Oh wait, now after being caught, you are having another "awakening" and all the sudden your family, wife, and child are important again.

Until the next girl comes along.

You are a cheater, that will never change. You will always cheat and these "awakenings" mean nothing, you've already shown yourself that. 

If you were a man, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. If you were even half of a man, you'd tell your wife what she deserves to know. Otherwise you are a sleazy coward.

Sorry, that's just how I feel.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

FallenMan, telling your wife NOW will be to ease your conscience, so you can move on. It will not be for her. If she is about to give birth this is not what she needs to here come out of your mouth. Suck it up dude. You owe her.
I know you believe that you are a good father. And if your son follows in your footsteps as a man, would you still think you are a good father? You did not put your family above your own selfish desires? Is that a good father?
If you are sincere, and your wife is an unbelievably forgiving woman, you man be able to salvage your marriage. Maybe. I wasn't as forgiving. And neither were my daughters who found out about their father's behavior through his actions-not mine.
Before you reveal, get into counseling. You have a lot of work to do.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> FallenMan, telling your wife NOW will be to ease your conscience, so you can move on. It will not be for her. If she is about to give birth this is not what she needs to here come out of your mouth. Suck it up dude. You owe her.
> I know you believe that you are a good father. And if your son follows in your footsteps as a man, would you still think you are a good father? You did not put your family above your own selfish desires? Is that a good father?
> If you are sincere, and your wife is an unbelievably forgiving woman, you man be able to salvage your marriage. Maybe. I wasn't as forgiving. And neither were my daughters who found out about their father's behavior through his actions-not mine.
> Before you reveal, get into counseling. You have a lot of work to do.


NO. Because you run the very high risk of her finding out in the meantime. Be a MAN, just this once.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I don't even know how to go about that conversation. Its terrifying to me. She was so hurt and angry over the messages. I think its understandable that I would be scared to tell her this. Even though I never let it interfere with our lives it was wrong and I can't help but feel its going to change how she feels about our entire relationship. 

I'm just going to be the best husband I can be for the next few months and then re-assess whether to tell then. I'm too scared to blow up our marriage and our lives. Our son deserves better. I was reading a thread on here about a woman who revenge cheated on her husband. I don't want to encourage my wife to do something similar. I just want to put all this cheating behind us. 

I know I can stop. I have too much to lose. Like I have said all of these physical affairs are in the distant past. I'm not currently in an affair. I think the lack of consensus here is telling too. If people on an infidelity website aren't even sure if I should tell then...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I don't even know how to go about that conversation. Its terrifying to me. She was so hurt and angry over the messages. I think its understandable that I would be scared to tell her this. ...


Look, no one's saying it's abnormal that you are scared to tell her--because of course you feel terrified. It's normal because you know full well that you were WRONG.

As for how you go about it you say, "Wife, I ahve something I need to tell you. And I know you are really upset with me but you are my wife and I respect you enough to tell you this. I XYZ." 

Simple. Hard on the heart, sure, but simple. 



FallenMan said:


> Even though I never let it interfere with our lives it was wrong and I can't help but feel its going to change how she feels about our entire relationship.


Well, DUH. That's what happens when someone cheats. But that was part of the deal when you willfully and intentionally had sex with all those women. The worst part, I think, about your situation is that your wife discovered the texts on her own--the affair--it wasn't because you told her about it. Just saying.



FallenMan said:


> I'm too scared to blow up our marriage and our lives. I just want to put all this cheating behind us. ...


But you already DID blow up your life. See? As for putting the cheating behind you--too late for that. The cat's out of the bag. Upon your wife's most recent discovery--your marriage is forever changed. You do understand that, right? 



FallenMan said:


> I think the lack of consensus here is telling too. If people on an infidelity website aren't even sure if I should tell then...


Don't try to play us. The fact is, you don't want to tell her. Don't try to excuse it away by saying people arne't sure here so you're not sure what the right thing to do is. You know. You know full well that you aren't honoring your wife by hiding all these secrets. 

If she finds out from someone else that in addition to your EA, you also had sex with woman #1, woman #2, woman #3, woman #4, woman #5, and woman #6 (fvck, that is a lot of women), it is going to be like steel knives running down her back and in her heart.

Mark my words.

My exH did a lot of crap things to me, but the one thing I can honestly say that I will forever be greatful to him for, is the fact he came forward to me & told that he had sex with someone else. It takes someone with courage to actually own that. Because most people (like you) don't have the [email protected] to. 

And was I Happy that he did it? HELLno. But I respect him more as a man for not letting me find out from the public/a third party/on my own.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Wow. Stinks to be the wife in this situation. I have no advice as this is not an easy situation for either spouse to deal with. It's going to be messy......


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

There is nothing "distant" about anything you've related - you've only been married 5 years. You're just getting started. And there is no statute of limitations on cheating, the clock doesn't start running until D Day (discovery day - the day she finds out). 

If you think this hasn't interfered with your lives you are lying to yourself. While you were giving your time, energy, attention and affection (I'll withhold love??) to these other women there was less for your wife. It affected your lives, you just don't know how and she doesn't even have a clue. 

"I'm just going to be the best husband I can be for the next few months and then re-assess whether to tell then." Translation: "I'm going to use the contradictory opinions here as justification not to tell my wife the truth and see if I can bury this deeply enough that I can live with myself if I don't tell her." 

If you don't have her to hold you accountable you will repeat. If you don't get this all out in the open and get yourself some help and figure out why you do this you will repeat. Do you know the definition of insanity? Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different result. WTF are you going to do different to keep this from happening again?!?!? 

I'll give you that her pregnancy is a major cluster and I honestly don't know what I would do. But here's what I do know. Your wife is going to find out. There are other people involved and secrets just love daylight - they'll find they're way out - no way this stays a secret. If you don't tell her - my bet is that the marriage is over. The lies and the betrayal will be too much combined when it comes to the surface via a third party. If you tell her - now or after the baby is born - you MIGHT have a chance. To wait or not? I can't tell you - but right now she has an open wound. Have you ever had to reopen a wound to clean it after it's already scabbed over? Do you remember how much more it hurts than had you cleaned the wound thoroughly the first time? This is the same thing. If she starts to heal from finding your EA and then you reopen it and make it MUCH worse you will hurt her much worse than if you told her today. There is a price she will pay for your delaying due to her pregnancy - is it worth it? I have no idea, just understand the trade off you are making.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Tell her

Trickle truth hurts more in many ways than Dday

let's imagine you don't tell her and things improve and get much better, she's operating under false pretensions. That's not fair to her in any way shape or form. Then the hammer comes down a few months later and she learns the truth. She will never trust that she will ever get the full truth. As small of a shot that it is if you tell her the full truth now that she stays, imagine how much smaller that shot will be if she learns you were still lying?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> . *Do you know the definition of insanity? Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different result. WTF are you going to do different to keep this from happening again?!?!?*
> 
> I'll give you that her pregnancy is a major cluster and I honestly don't know what I would do. But here's what I do know. Your wife is going to find out. There are other people involved and *secrets just love daylight - they'll find they're way out - no way this stays a secret*.


:iagree:

Fallen, 

Have you ever read Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

That is you, my friend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> You are not the only one involved. There are 6 other women.


Um, actually there are 7 other women.

And I believe he said that people at his workplace are aware of these affairs. So it's not like just him and the 7 know. The public knows.

He better pray like hell one of them doesn't call his wife to let her know she fvcked her husband, along with the others "and everyone knows about it."

Egads!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Fallenman - you need to read this thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/40073-what-if-worst-part-marriage-you.html

Dvls didn't think his wife would find out either. You really need to read that one from start to finish.

Edit to add: There is no subtext or message intended from me in the title of that thread - it's just the name the OP gave it...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!
> 
> Don't mess up my utopia by clearing your guilty conscious. I can think of many things that after the fact I wish I wouldn't have known............principle be damned the reality is the pain sucks far more than "knowing the real truth" would make feel good.
> 
> ...


I understand this point of view, but there is no way he's not going to cheat again. It's who he is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I thought there were only 6 women he had sex with. :scratchhead: I was discounting the EA partner since his wife already knows about that...but that is what I get for skimming a thread.


Yeah that is right--he said he slept with 6 of them and #7 was on her way to becoming another PA. 

I never read DvlsAd's thread. What happened in there? Cliff notes please?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Long one to summarize - I'll try.

Posted that he had had multiple affairs and was completely unhappy in his marriage. He stated that when he and his W married the agreement was no kids, later she changed her mind and pressured him - he acquiesced. Subsequently his wife stopped being the woman he married and became Mom - everything was about the kids, the marital relationship was gone. He got fulfillment outside the marriage with several casual PA's and acknowledged it as cheating but felt justified as he viewed his wife's reversal about children as an equal betrayal. At the time of his posting he was basically stating (he didn't really ask a question that I can recall) that he was staying in the marriage because he was getting his needs met elsewhere and he didn't see the point in destroying his wife and children's world. He wasn't happy in the marriage but had found a way that he could survive in it by getting his needs met by other women. 

The point I thought relevant for Fallenman was that Dvls always insisted that his wife would not find out. He believed he had been cleaver enough and kept the affairs casual enough that his cheating would never see daylight. After the thread had run its course he came back and posted that she had found out. I don't remember the details of how, but he got busted. He hasn't posted in his thread after that but I've seen him around some other threads occasionally. 

Anyone add or correct if I got it wrong or left something out.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I think you're underestimating just how horribly your EA has affected your W. She is already crushed. If you wait to tell her the truth she will NEVER believe it's the full truth. You need to clear the air now. If she starts trying to rebuild this relationship believing that you're being truthful and faithful then finds out otherwise, she'll be devastated and your chances of keeping your family together will be far less. Neither of you can begin to really heal without all the cards on the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

Why would you want to hurt her. I vote dont ever tell her about anything that has happened and you suffer with the guilt and shame. Hope and pray that she never finds out. Then straighten up and dont ever do it again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he already hurt her


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I'm not sure if this is the proper venue for my post since I am not the betrayed spouse so I apologize in advance if I touch a nerve or am in the wrong by posting.
> 
> I've been with my wife since 2007 and married since 2009. We have a 2 y.o. son and we are expecting a daughter in June. I've always had an issue with boundaries and avoiding cheating. I was on the other side and cheated on quite a few times when I was younger and that sort of made me bitter about the whole thing. Why stay faithful when no one else is? I think looking back the first few girls I dated were just bad apples and it really messed with the way I see relationships for a long time.
> 
> ...


You need some serious help from a therapist. What would make you do these things to the "woman you love"?


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> Why would you want to hurt her. I vote dont ever tell her about anything that has happened and you suffer with the guilt and shame. Hope and pray that she never finds out. Then straighten up and dont ever do it again.



He has no right to chose her action. She has right to know who she married to and if she wants that. Not telling is more selfish then what he already is doing. He has already hurt her she doesnt know that blood is dripping from her back yet.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

@Helpme1

confused:

Are you serious? Did you come to a Coping with Infidelity forum and tell the WS NOT to tell his wife? To dust himself off and be a good boy from now on and what she doesnt know wont hurt her?????? OMG!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She doesn't know who she married. The man she thinks she fell in love with does not exist. This vindictive, small minded, selfish, dangerous person is the real person she is stuck with. 

He is dangerous because he cares so little for her that she will be repeatedly exposed to STD's and not know it. Her life is in the state of potential instability and she thinks she is in.a stable loving marriage with one little slip up. 

Not telling her is horrible in my opinion. She is denied the decision to protect herself and her family from this deceptive poser. 

Not telling her leaves her life in the hands of the person who cannot be trusted to be honest or to protect her or her kids from harm. 

Telling him to hide his true nature from her and conceal her perilous state is terrible advice. He will slip up. I hope soon.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> She doesn't know who she married. The man she thinks she fell in love with does not exist. This vindictive, small minded, selfish, dangerous person is the real person she is stuck with.
> 
> He is dangerous because he cares so little for her that she will be repeatedly exposed to STD's and not know it. Her life is in the state of potential instability and she thinks she is in.a stable loving marriage with one little slip up.
> 
> ...


He has a new thread. He's hoping to propose an "open" marriage to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> He has a new thread. He's hoping to propose an "open" marriage to his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have absolutely got to be kidding us! Is there no shame?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> You have absolutely got to be kidding us! Is there no shame?


Nope, not kidding and apparently no shame at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

I think its safe to say this guy is a bum without a concience. He has no intention of fixing anything. I hope she leaves.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> Why would you want to hurt her. I vote dont ever tell her about anything that has happened and you suffer with the guilt and shame. Hope and pray that she never finds out. Then straighten up and dont ever do it again.


Does it surprise anyone that FallenMan likes this?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ChelseaBlue said:


> Does it surprise anyone that FallenMan likes this?


I dont know why he's here, he's already made up his mind looks like.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I'm really sorry that people here seem to think I don't want to fix things. I do desperately. I think my other thread was misunderstood. I posed the question as a hypothetical and after some thinking an open-marriage wouldn't work for us. 

I haven't made a final decision on whether to tell my wife about the previous affairs. I've only decided to push it until after the baby is born.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I'm really sorry that people here seem to think I don't want to fix things. I do desperately. I think my other thread was misunderstood. I posed the question as a hypothetical and after some thinking an open-marriage wouldn't work for us.
> 
> I haven't made a final decision on whether to tell my wife about the previous affairs. I've only decided to push it until after the baby is born.


And then what will your excuse be...she's too hormonal, she's not getting enough sleep, we have a newborn......


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> I'm really sorry that people here seem to think I don't want to fix things. I do desperately. I think my other thread was misunderstood. I posed the question as a hypothetical and after some thinking an open-marriage wouldn't work for us.
> 
> I haven't made a final decision on whether to tell my wife about the previous affairs. I've only decided to push it until after the baby is born.


And that is how I know you are not remorseful at all. You are simply thinking of how you can still screw other women. Not about the fact that you did things that will crush your wife. Hypothetical or not, that is not something a man "thinks about" when he is remorseful and wanting to fix things. 

You will keep pushing it back, and back, and then someone is going to tell her while you are sitting there trying to find the "perfect time" to tell her. Guess what? There is no good time to tell someone you betrayed them.


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## Pessimystical (Apr 25, 2012)

I agree with OhGeesh.
I found out in November, and lost at least 15 pounds in a month... and I was little to begin with. My "cycle" stopped for over 3 months. (who knew stress could do all that?) I slept about 3 hours a night. I cried all the time. 
It's not a lot better now, but work helps. 
You really have no right to put that on your wife just to cover your own arse and clear your guilt. Let her have this happy time... she's expecting a child!  
Hormonally, she's in no position to make any major decisions right now anyway.
Love her, pamper her... DON'T SCREW AROUND ON HER ANYMORE, make her feel beautiful and special. Bring her breakfast in bed, wash the dinner dishes, give her a good back rub (you wouldn't believe how bad pregnancy makes your back hurt), buy her some lingerie (yes, even pregnant we like to feel sexy  ). 
If you can do all these things, with any luck at all... when she does find out, the good you've done just might trump the bad.
Good Luck


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I'm really sorry that people here seem to think I don't want to fix things. I do desperately. I think my other thread was misunderstood. I posed the question as a hypothetical and after some thinking an open-marriage wouldn't work for us.
> 
> I haven't made a final decision on whether to tell my wife about the previous affairs. I've only decided to push it until after the baby is born.


Hi, just me again, popping in to remind you that you're never going to tell her. That's because you're a c _ _ _ _ d. I think I mentioned that a couple of times before. You fill in the blanks!

Oh, and I love the "I was misunderstood" line. I bet that's what you use with ALL your girlfriends. :rofl:

This gentleman is either a troll, or maybe he was hired by TAM for comedy relief for all us poor CWI regulars :rofl:


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

If I don't tell my wife it wouldn't be because I am a coward. It would be because I am trying to the best thing for our family. We have kids and a divorce would destroy their lives. I know my actions are divorce worthy but I have changed. I deserve a second chance. My wife may not even want a divorce but she won't be the same if she knows the full history. And it isn't fair to tear her world apart. I may at a future point tell her but I don't think its a great idea now. Many many users here have told me to either not tell her now or wait until the baby is born. I am going to heed their advice. 

I'm glad you are getting a laugh at my expense. I came her for help. Not to be ridiculed. Its hard enough to admit your mistakes but it isn't fun to be mocked. I know I was wrong. I've admitted that. But I am still a person. There is only so much name-calling and ridicule I can take. This situation is completely my fault but please try to have some compassion. I'm trying to fix this mess as best I can.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You're not being ridiculed for you what you did (ok maybe a little), your being ridiculed for statements like these:



FallenMan said:


> If I don't tell my wife it wouldn't be because I am a coward.
> 
> I'm trying to fix this mess as best I can.


You're not telling your wife because you are a coward, you're only justifying it to yourself using the post of a few people in the minority. Make no mistake, not telling her is an act of selfish self preservation. 

You are not trying to fix what you have done, you're trying to bury it. 

It's no skin off our noses either way, we're just not going to sit here and let you delude yourself. If you post something stupid we're going to call you on it. Ultimately it's all opinion though and it's your and your wife's lives. Good luck.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> If I don't tell my wife it wouldn't be because I am a coward. It would be because I am trying to the best thing for our family. We have kids and a divorce would destroy their lives. I know my actions are divorce worthy but I have changed. I deserve a second chance.


Quit justifying your bad behavior!! You need counseling!!
You don't know the first thing about what's best for your family. If that were the case, you would have never risked giving your wife, the mother of your children, a deadly disease like HIV. 
Also, your rationalization of how divorce would ruin their lives is completely off base. Millions of people are products of divorce, are their lives ruined? 

You are just concerned about yourself.

I would like to add that you have this mentality of entitlement. You cheated on your wife several times. This was a series of calculated decisions. Now you deserve a second chance? This is not your decision to make. 

The truth will come out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

If you are absolutely certain you will never cheat on your wife again in any way than don't say anything. Be the husband she deserves for once. Telling her will destroy her world. Let your mistakes remind you never to cheat again. You have two kids now. You have to do what is best for them. In my opinion confessing is the easy way out. It puts all the pain on your wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lost cause. Self-serving too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DreamWeaver (Aug 20, 2011)

I am posting without reading responses so I have no idea what's been said or resolved but .... WTF???
Your post says you love your wife. I disagree and go so far as to say you have no idea whatsoever what love is. You cheated on her with oh...maybe 6 women and don't forget the EA...and she's upset just knowing about the EA. You need to tell her about the rest but you may as well give her a knife to the heart for what the news is going to do to her. 

She'd be a lot better off without such a "loving" husband...


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Do not tell her, for her sake and yours. 

I can tell you from experience that there is no upside to confessing. I know that some guys are dawgs, you have to learn to control it and stop it, but that is a struggle with yourself. Telling her will not help you, in fact the anger that she is likely to have may drive you to see other women for solace.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Martin12 said:


> Do not tell her, for her sake and yours.
> 
> I can tell you from experience that there is no upside to confessing. I know that some guys are dawgs, you have to learn to control it and stop it, but that is a struggle with yourself. Telling her will not help you, in fact the anger that she is likely to have may drive you to see other women for solace.



Martin are you advocating he continues to lie to his wife? Do you have any idea what a betrayed spouse goes through when say five or more years later she find out more of the truth, It says the supposed R was a lie and that will hurt her more than his full disclosure. The whole affair issue will be back to day one.

His marriage may or may not survive the truth if it does then at least it is done with a clean slate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Threads like this really make me appreciate my husband.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> Do not tell her, for her sake and yours.
> 
> I can tell you from experience that there is no upside to confessing. I know that some guys are dawgs, you have to learn to control it and stop it, but that is a struggle with yourself. Telling her will not help you, in fact the anger that she is likely to have may drive you to see other women for solace.


He's already cheated with 7 different women. Obviously he can't "stop it".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

Its not about covering for myself. Its about protecting my family and my wife. I realize I really did mess up. I don't think ruining my wife's image of her life and family is fair. The more I think about it I'm not sure she will find out. I've been able to keep this secret for four+ years now. If no one says anything the courageous thing might be to take it to the grave and change forever. 

I think there is no clear consensus on what to do. Obviously as it seems like people here are 50-50 on to tell or not to tell. I'm not going to tell her while she is pregnant or immediately after the baby comes. I've decided that for sure. I may tell her some point down the line but I'm not sure of that right now. 

Pidge, correct me if I'm wrong but according to your post history you cheated on your partner too. Are you really any better than me? If it helps you feel better to judge me go ahead but you aren't some saint either. 

I do love my wife and she is the only woman I love. Its not much but I've never even said I love you to another woman. She is my world. I know I have a screwed up way of showing it but I am going to do better. She has noticed how much I have been trying as of late.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I'm glad you are getting a laugh at my expense. I came her for help. Not to be ridiculed. Its hard enough to admit your mistakes but it isn't fun to be mocked. I know I was wrong. I've admitted that. But I am still a person. There is only so much name-calling and ridicule I can take. This situation is completely my fault but please try to have some compassion. I'm trying to fix this mess as best I can.


Dude you're as soulless as they come. You cheated on your wife with several women and stepped out on her while she's pregnant with your child and you're moaning about a little name calling? give me break 

I really wish there would be justice in the world and match people like you with the other heartless cheaters out there. 

I feel so, so sorry for your wife.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Yes I did cheat. My H found out on his own because I was too cowardly to tell him. I see that you have no problem taking advice from the cheaters who advocate not telling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Fallen, you have decided what path you are taking. Stop asking for and looking for absolution for your decision. Go ahead and do it, keep your wife's fantasy about you.
IMO, you are CLUELESS...SELFISH...and most definitely HOPELESS


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Dude you're as soulless as they come. You cheated on your wife with several women and stepped out on her while she's pregnant with your child and you're moaning about a little name calling? give me break
> 
> I really wish there would be justice in the world and match people like you with the other heartless cheaters out there.
> 
> I feel so, so sorry for your wife.


I haven't cheated on her while she is pregnant with our current child. Its not a huge distinction but I haven't actually had sex with another woman in over two years. I just want to set the record straight on that. 



> Yes I did cheat. My H found out on his own because I was too cowardly to tell him. I see that you have no problem taking advice from the cheaters who advocate not telling.


The only reason why I mentioned it is the other people that gave advice seemed to mention their history. You were giving advice as if you were the victim. I was a little surprised to find out YOU cheated because based on the comments you were making it seemed like you were being betrayed. 

I am open to all advice. I do not want to hurt my wife. I was reading your threads and it seemed like you destroyed your husband with your Affair(s). I couldn't handle that and I think not telling and changing is the better option. I do think what I did could stay in the past. I'm not in contact with any of the OW and I think with some luck it may just remain a secret. I already feel tremendous guilt. I'm not going to knowingly bring more pain to my wife.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Fallen, you have decided what path you are taking. Stop asking for and looking for absolution for your decision. Go ahead and do it, keep your wife's fantasy about you.
> IMO, you are CLUELESS...SELFISH...and most definitely HOPELESS


Hopefully I can prove you wrong. I have learned a lot from this forum and I have received a lot of helpful advice. I'm sorry if some of you feel this way.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I'm not sure she will find out. I've been able to keep this secret for four+ years now.


You never know if and when she could find out, I found absolute proof because my wife installed one little app on her phone and then deleted it because she didn't like it. Well it turns out that the apps files were still on her phone, and the app happened to back up existing texts from her phone. These back ups were not view able on her phone, however she backed up her phone to get a new one and I found just the right file in the back up files on our pc, one in a million chance, one in a million. She was smart too, deleted everything, never used the computer, etc. But I was suspicious and became super sleuth. 

The point of this is that you never know, if she stays with you through this EA, do you think not telling her about the PA will save your marriage when she finds out about it in 6 months? A year?

Stop kidding yourself, you're not protecting your family by not telling her, you are highly disrespecting her by taking away her choice, and only protecting yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I haven't cheated on her while she is pregnant with our current child. Its not a huge distinction but I haven't actually had sex with another woman in over two years. I just want to set the record straight on that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Actually, I was betrayed as well, which I'm sure you know. He had a revenge affair. Yes, I did destroy him at the time but, we are still together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Fallen, if you have been faithful for two years you have definitely made some progress.

Take it to the grave!! I do question the open marriage thread you have going too? 

That's a talke for a different day.........best of luck have fun with your wife, son, and unborn child to be. As far as arguing confess/not confess.

It's simple there is nothing to gain by confessing period end of story!! Nothing but pain, fights, for years to come if you open your mouth now. 

You know if you changed be like a oak with strong roots and stick with it!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> Fallen, if you have been faithful for two years you have definitely made some progress.
> 
> Take it to the grave!! I do question the open marriage thread you have going too?
> 
> ...


He hasn't been faithful for two years. He was just caught in an EA, which he admitted would have turned PA had she not caught him. He hasn't PHYSICALLY cheated on her in two years. 

I said it before, this many times cheating, its a lifestyle not a bad choice. Let your wife know what is going on in her marriage so she can decide whether or not she wants to be a part of it anymore.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

DawnD said:


> He hasn't been faithful for two years. He was just caught in an EA, which he admitted would have turned PA had she not caught him. He hasn't PHYSICALLY cheated on her in two years.
> 
> I said it before, this many times cheating, its a lifestyle not a bad choice. Let your wife know what is going on in her marriage so she can decide whether or not she wants to be a part of it anymore.


I conceded it could have gone physical. I wasn't trying to have a physical affair and I have been very hard on myself and tried to avoid situations where I could/would physically cheat. Being caught in the EA was a wake-up call for me and I realize what is at stake. But I haven't kissed or had sex with another woman in quite some time. 

Do you seriously think I should tell my wife who is due to give birth in less than two months that I've cheated on her? We are being told to keep stress as low as possible for her. How in the world can I tell her something so serious now? A few of you keep trying to make this a black and white issue when its really not. 

I've had so many people tell me take it to the grave or wait. My gut tells me take it to the grave or at least put it off until a better time. I am changing. I know I did something truly awful. But I don't want to lose my wife and family. Telling her about the affairs would risk everything we've worked for.

The open marriage thread was just an option I briefly considered. I don't think it is for us and its not something we are considering. I have a lot of issues with it the more I think about it and my wife showed no interest in it when I brought it up.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> I conceded it could have gone physical. I wasn't trying to have a physical affair and I have been very hard on myself and tried to avoid situations where I could/would physically cheat. Being caught in the EA was a wake-up call for me and I realize what is at stake. But I haven't kissed or had sex with another woman in quite some time.
> 
> Do you seriously think I should tell my wife who is due to give birth in less than two months that I've cheated on her? We are being told to keep stress as low as possible for her. How in the world can I tell her something so serious now? A few of you keep trying to make this a black and white issue when its really not.
> 
> ...


Yes, I think your wife deserves to know who she is married to. Tell her after the baby? Sure, but I am sure your excuse will be " but she just had a baby, that isn't fair to her". Then it will be "but we have two small kids" and then "but we have kids". Yep, sure, I got plenty of excuses. Yes, excuses. 

She was working for a marriage with a faithful and honest man. You were working for a marriage in which you lie and deceive your wife while having sex with other women. Two separate goals.

I am sure you have plenty of people who tell you not to tell her. To protect yourself. Their advice has nothing to do with what is right for HER, its about protecting yourself and making sure she still sees you as this wonderful husband instead of what you REALLY are. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you avoiding the consequences of your actions. Had she not caught your EA, you will still be cheating right now without any regard to your family you keep using as an excuse to lie to your wife.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

> She was working for a marriage with a faithful and honest man. You were working for a marriage in which you lie and deceive your wife while having sex with other women. Two separate goals.


I think our goals are now the same. I have no desire to be with anyone else and the sleeping with others is in the past. 



> Actually, I was betrayed as well, which I'm sure you know. He had a revenge affair. Yes, I did destroy him at the time but, we are still together.


Were you really betrayed? If my wife cheated in revenge I would think I deserved it. I wouldn't have the gall to say I am betrayed when I am the betrayer. I (and you) had the affairs first. I was shredded for saying I didn't want my wife with others in another thread. What you are saying is even worse. You think its okay to cheat but when your partner does the same you say you were "betrayed". This isn't really related to my issues and I'm sorry for getting off topic. Congratulations on your boyfriend and you still being together. 

I don't think my wife would have a revenge affair but who knows? That isn't something I would look forward to and I think telling her about the affairs would make our lives less stable. I don't want to deal with a revenge affair situation. My issue with coming clean is it is going to upend our lives and cause us so much pain. I'm not going to cheat again. Why ruin everything we have over mistakes in the past?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

First off, no one deserves to be cheated on. I have no idea where you got that I stated something like that. 

Honestly, I could care less what your opinion of me is much like you care less what anyone here thinks of you. I do wonder though, why bother to ask a question you already have the answer to?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Fallen, if you have been faithful for two years you have definitely made some progress.


He hasn't been faithful for two years. His wife just caught him in an EA for God's sake. The only progress he's made is in the number of OW he's had. 

He can't take it to the grave. He can't quit. Like anyone with something they can't control he's going to ride it until it blows up and only little pieces of his wife and marriage are left. If he'd man up he's a slim chance, yes it will crush his wife but that damage is already done. On his current path, that you and a few other posters are helping him justify, when his wife finds out there is no chance to save it. But, maybe that's better.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I think there is no clear consensus on what to do. Obviously as it seems like people here are 50-50 on to tell or not to tell. I'm not going to tell her while she is pregnant or immediately after the baby comes. I've decided that for sure. I may tell her some point down the line but I'm not sure of that right now.


Well I can't believe I worked this hard on a lost cause but Fallen - in a continued effort to not let you delude yourself and call you on stupid BS I actually went through this whole thread and counted the damn votes.

I'm sorry my friend but it's a land slide. Of the people who have posted clear opinions about whether you should tell your wife or not 20 have stated that they believe you should, only 10 have stated that they believe you should not. That's 2:1 or 67% of totals votes cast. If this were a presidential election you'd be saying you've been given a mandate the vote is so overwhelming. 

So don't lie to us and tell us that there is no clear consensus - there is and it's to tell your wife. If you want to lie to yourself and choose to hear only the people telling you what you want to hear then go ahead; but don't try to take us with you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Delete


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your wife does not consider you the man she fell in love with so your marriage will be different. It rather funny that you ask her about an open marriage when she is having your child but you wont tell her you what you are. 

You are as selfish as you ever were. You act in your own interest not your wife's. What type of man would bring up an open marriage to a pregnant women. That is as bad as confessing to your cheating on her. 

You did not mention how your wife took your self serving plan. She must think you are quite the man - you have the nerve to ask her about having sex with others. 

And all she did was refuse? She is good with you loves as much as ever. I doubt it. I really don't believe your story. Even a selfish man could wait 2 months to ask his wife about sex with others. 

It amounts to telling her she means nothing to you but a broad mare to you. This your EA could not have been passed off as a simple no. She would have to be devastated at this point. She woukd have to be stressed. Yet you describe her as OK. 

I don't believe this story. Why are you posting? To argue your point? To tell a story. What is the question? This sounds similar to other sensational post. You are looking for a reaction not advice.


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## lovinhimmore (Apr 30, 2012)

if you wait for the right time to tell her, then you never will. There are always a million reasons why not to tell her at any given point. I was once told by a very important person in my life that if you cheat and it's onl once and you have no intention of it happening again, then you don't tell them. That telling them is actually more selfish then not telling them because your telling them to make yourself feel better, to relieve your guilt by hurting them. But seeing as how you have done it over and over and over then yeah i think you should tell her. Like the person earlier said if you don't then you will keep doing it because your not getting caught. AND don't lie. If she asks then tell her the truth. My husband was addicted to porn and hid it from me. We have moved past this but what hurt the most, more than feeling like i wasn't enough for him and that i wasn't attractive to him was the feeling of him lying, I gave him many many many chances to tell me the truth and he would lie and that broke the trust more than the action because it became well if he lied so easily then how do i know he isn't lying now. And coming from a woman, explain everything!! its going to hurt her, but break the dam all at once. Let it all out and be honest about everything, even if shes asks how you felt and if you liked it and where it happened because if you hold anything back then that starts a foundation for the mistrust again. Make sure to tell her how you feel about her and why you think you might have done it. and if you do feel that its a real problem you have offer that too her and let her know that you are telling her because you want to be with her and you want help.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

21 to 10... 68%


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Oh and although she hasn't posted my wife has expressed in debating your thread that she thinks you should confess - so I'll call that 22 to 10 or 69%...


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## lovinhimmore (Apr 30, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Your are here to collect pats on the back from other soulless ones like yourself. Telling her would let her decide what she wants for her self. Being as obscenely selfish as you are, you should be able to get that. She has a right to self determination, just as you had a right to decide to betray your marriage and your wife; she has a right to decide if she want's to put up with it. I don't often get as disgusted as I have gotten reading all this self serving slurry you have ladeled out. I think you would be better off single, frankly. I say that because you have demonstrated by both your words and actions that you are the only person in your life that matters to you. Let her decide what she wants! You are not "protecting " her. You are trying to evade the consequences of your own actions, and protected your right to continue to betray her behind her back. If you tell her, you will cut off that avenue and you know that. That is why you are sooooooooo interested in "protecting" her. This is my last post to you, Right now I feel like I need a shower, but you have given me a bit of perspective about my own situation. No matter what my H has done, I go down on my knees in gratitude to the higher power that my H is not anything like you.


 
Good point, Fallen, do you really think you would even be in a marriage right now if your wife knew what was going on before you married her now? you marriage is founded on lies and she will find out! better from you then from someone else


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Oh and although she hasn't posted my wife has expressed in debating your thread that she thinks you should confess - so I'll call that 22 to 10 or 69%...


:iagree:

Add me to that. Just about everyone has said what I wanted to say.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So 23 to 10. Gee we're up to 70% is that a consensus Fallen??


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

TELL HER ALREADY!!!!!!! In no uncertain terms. TELL HER.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I suppose maybe I did gloss over some of the comments encouraging me to come clean. I will go back and re-read this thread. I felt like it was 50-50 but apparently it wasn't. At the end of the day its my life and marriage and I have to do what is best for me and my marriage. The replies on this thread while helpful are not binding. 



> Your are here to collect pats on the back from other soulless ones like yourself.


I'm not. I've said I was wrong from my first post. My name is "Fallen Man". I know I am in the wrong. I'm not looking for affirmation. 



> You did not mention how your wife took your self serving plan. She must think you are quite the man - you have the nerve to ask her about having sex with others.
> 
> And all she did was refuse? She is good with you loves as much as ever. I doubt it. I really don't believe your story. Even a selfish man could wait 2 months to ask his wife about sex with others.


I didn't ask her for an open marriage. I'm not a fool. We were having a discussion and I mentioned it as something I thought was kind of interesting. She said it wasn't interesting to her and she would never go for it. I said I was joking and walked it back. She was kind of cross at me for a little bit but it blew over. 



> If you wait for the right time to tell her, then you never will. There are always a million reasons why not to tell her at any given point. I was once told by a very important person in my life that if you cheat and it's onl once and you have no intention of it happening again, then you don't tell them. That telling them is actually more selfish then not telling them because your telling them to make yourself feel better, to relieve your guilt by hurting them.


I think I agree with this person. I am a changed person. I have fallen but I am rising as a better husband and person. I'm sorry that people here don't seem to have faith in me but I will not err again. 



> TELL HER ALREADY!!!!!!! In no uncertain terms. TELL HER.


I've already stated that I wouldn't tell her during the pregnancy and I am inclined to not tell ever. I think this decision is not one that a number of you like. I'm sorry. I think I will cut down on my posting here anyways. The advice has been good and helpful but the judgmental comments has not. Thanks to all who gave me advice. You have helped.


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## lovinhimmore (Apr 30, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I suppose maybe I did gloss over some of the comments encouraging me to come clean. I will go back and re-read this thread. I felt like it was 50-50 but apparently it wasn't. At the end of the day its my life and marriage and I have to do what is best for me and my marriage. The replies on this thread while helpful are not binding.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


you totally took what you wanted to hear from what i said and not what i actually said!!!!! i still said to tell her and you clearly made that mistake over and over and over!!!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

lovinhimmore said:


> you totally took what you wanted to hear from what i said and not what i actually said!!!!! i still said to tell her and you clearly made that mistake over and over and over!!!


You said a very important person in your life told you NOT to tell them that it's selfish and hurtful.


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## lovinhimmore (Apr 30, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You said a very important person in your life told you NOT to tell them that it's selfish and hurtful.


That's if you did it once.... You did it an imaginable amount of times with 6 diff women... I wish I knew your wife, if tell her my damn self you pig


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

lovinhimmore said:


> That's if you did it once.... You did it an imaginable amount of times with 6 diff women... I wish I knew your wife, if tell her my damn self you pig


I'm not married anymore.


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