# resent wife or suck it up?



## tajd (Oct 29, 2011)

My wife and I recently bought a house that is in need of alot of work before we can move in to it. I have bought and fixed up about 10 other houses that are now rentals, so not my first go-around.
The thing is is that my wife has not done a lick of work at the house but will soon be enjoying all the benefits of living there.
I work another job full-time, volunteer, do part-time yard work, plus my rental business; should I be expected to do all the work at our new house.
I do not expect her to be over there swinging a hammer, but is it too much to ask her to sweep the floors, schedule the utilities, or do the bookwork like the bills, or support jobs like that.
Wife does work almost full time and goes to college a couple nights a week.
It already upsets me when she calls it "our house" or says "we" own ten houses. I just feel that things should be earned, not layed out on a silver platter. Perhaps i'm wrong. 
Insight please!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When you got married you created a family.

The family does own all those things. 

Her expressing it the way she does, is her saying "I'm in this family, it's part of me, and I'm part of this. This forms my personal safe place, and my identity of who I am".

Ok, so you your wife isn't working on the house. You are. That's part of the magic that you contribute to the family. Do you do her home work or cover class for her? Because the work she does there is also building up the family.

I don't say suck it up, I say change how you're seeing things.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

tajd said:


> My wife and I recently bought a house..
> 
> It already upsets me when she calls it "our house" or says "we" own ten houses. I just feel that things should be earned, not layed out on a silver platter. Perhaps i'm wrong.
> Insight please!


Yep, dead wrong. It is "our house" and "we own ten houses"! You should have thought of that before you got married if you did not want to incorporate "our" and "we" into your vocabulary. :scratchhead:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I say change how you're seeing things.


This! :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Yep, dead wrong. It is "our house" and "we own ten houses"! You should have thought of that before you got married if you did not want to incorporate "our" and "we" into your vocabulary. :scratchhead:


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Did your wife want a "fixer upper home?" If not, perhaps thats one of the reasons why she hasn't helped. if you enjoy fixing the houses up then thats fine, but some people do not enjoy fixing things, especially a home that needs right much work. 

My first home was a fixer upper, been there done that. The next house I get I hope to get one that is move in ready.


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## turner_tornado (Nov 15, 2011)

tajd said:


> The thing is is that my wife has not done a lick of work at the house but will soon be enjoying all the benefits of living there.


I can see your frustration but maybe she doesn't really know how to do that stuff that well. 

It will make you feel good to know that you fixed it up for her and that she is enjoying it.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Maybe she's waiting for you to fix up the darn thing so she can furnish and decorate the heck out of it and turn it into a beautiful home. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Resent wife or suck it up, that was your title.

Neither.

Resentment is not a nice thing to carry around, and it could kill your relationship.

Suck it up isn't a pleasant thing to do either. Causes resentment.

How about you discuss with her how you feel, and let her know exactly what she should do to make you feel like she has "earned" the right to live in "your" house? If you feel that she should be doing manual labor to enjoy the benefits, you should tell her that. 

10 houses, was she involved in any of these? Or was this your business before you got together?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> When you got married you created a family.
> 
> The family does own all those things.
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

tajd said:


> my wife has not done a lick of work at the house but will soon be enjoying all the benefits of living there.
> ...
> I do not expect her to be over there swinging a hammer, but is it too much to ask her to sweep the floors, schedule the utilities, or do the bookwork like the bills, or support jobs like that.
> ...
> ...


tajd,

You have stepped into quite a quagmire here and I would humbly advise you to do some serious thinking about your potential exposure before you put in a lot (if any) of your own work. I share this with great sadness because I learned the hard way.

Whatever verbal agreements or understandings you and your wife may or may not have between each other right now, the house you bought together is legally governed by the laws of your state regarding marital property. Although the details depend on your state, in most circumstances the marital home is sold and the proceeds divided 50/50 in the event of a divorce. This means that whatever work you do to improve the value of your home, you effectively give your wife half. Although I have advised friends to have their lawyers bring this up to the court as being unfair in the event of their wife leaving, I have never heard of anyone succeeding in getting additional consideration because the increase in home equity is treated by the court like income from a second job. So if you do 2000 hours of work prorated at $20/hour, you have made a gift to your wife of $40,000.00/2=$20,000.00 the same as if you had earned it as income from a second job.

By virtue of being married to you, your wife is owed the benefit of living in your house whether or not she does anything constructive, let alone swing a hammer. She is correct in calling the house you bought together "our house". Whether or not she is correct regarding the rental housing can get fairly complicated depending on the details.

You don't have to read very far into this forum to see that there is a prevalent attitude toward using the threat or actual filing of divorce action as a means of power to settle marital disagreements or force a spouse's behavior. And every marriage has disagreements, if not now, then eventually. The perception that family court is gender biased toward women influences a lot of people's thinking and this, along with child custody, is a potential example. The threat of a $20,000.00 grab is a big stick. Unless you intend in advance to present your wife with a gift, you may find yourself feeling a lot more than resentment in the future. I honestly though this could never happen to me, my wife swore up and down that money was not important to her and she would never try to stick me up. What a difference a day makes.

I figure I had about $50,000.00 in personal labor sunk into my house when my wife filed for divorce. We are since reconciled, but I promise I am not looking to add to that total. Several of my friends are in for even more. One guy even had his brother and friends pouring concrete and hanging sheetrock while his wife was secretly stashing money away in her own account. Once all the renovations were complete, she filed for divorce and is planning to use her share of the equity others contributed as a down payment on her own condo.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

What has she said when you have asked her why she isn't helping?


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## tajd (Oct 29, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies.

To answer a few questions. Originally it was her idea to do the house flipping thing. She did a little work on our first house. Then the housing market tanked and so the rentals began. I continue the business for many reasons; among them: financial independence, comfortable retirement, something to pass on to my son. 

My wife comes from a family of six, and none of her siblings have become successful. Her parents live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want that. And I think that is part of the problem; the way she was brought up.

Perhaps my wife does not want a fixer-upper. Neither do I. I'd just as soon move into a house already the way we want it, in a good neighborhood, with a nice yard. But that's not reality.

And nothing would make me happier than to feel the "we" in our relationship; it's just after so many years of doing everything on your own the "we" just isn't there. Sorry.

What if I continue to be "success driven" and she carries on in her ways?


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> When you got married you created a family.
> 
> The family does own all those things.
> 
> ...


this is an excellent post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

tajd said:


> What if I continue to be "success driven" and she carries on in her ways?


One day you'll be burnt-out, but successful. She'll be right there next to you.


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## tajd (Oct 29, 2011)

I don't think money and fame is the definition of success. But I think it plays a role in overall happiness. (maybe not the fame)
For me to spend all my time with my family would mean less money and probably financial issues which I believe are not good for a relationship either.

You have to have a "happy medium" which I try to provide.

Hopefully soon the business will pretty much run itself and I won't have as much on my plate. I'm just hoping the 5 years of her not pulling her weight won't be too much to overcome.

BTW- Her issue of not getting things done affects other aspects of our lives, not just fixing up houses.


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## tajd (Oct 29, 2011)

Hindsight is 20/20, but should I have married someone more driven?

Should I have noticed this beforehand; as the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

Just questions that popped in my head.

Thanks to all for the insight.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Doesn't really sound like you accept her for who she is.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tajd said:


> My wife comes from a family of six, and none of her siblings have become successful. Her parents live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want that. And I think that is part of the problem; the way she was brought up.


She learned her behaviors from her family-of-origin. You don't want that? Did you know how her family was when you married her? I'd venture to say you did. If part of your problem is the way she was "brought up" I'm afraid you are grappling with an issue that is beyond your control. The past is what it is.

Your wife is working AND going to school. It sounds as if she is trying to differentiate herself from her family by making something more of her life. However, she is not pitching in and helping you with your fixer-upper projects. Tell her directly you need help. If she refuses, then I would suggest you make this house your last rental. I assume she is going to school to get a better job and make more money, which means she is contributing to the betterment of your marriage.

Could it be that this is a matter of perspective? She sees success and community property/ownership from a different point of view than you. Ask her directly to help. If she refuses, then I guess the ball is in your court. Frankly, it doesn't sound like she's a lazy person to me; she just doesn't want to work on fixer-uppers.


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