# The bomb has been dropped....now what?



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, I did it. I had to build up my nerve today, but I finally just shut the tv off and said we needed to talk about things. He jumped straight into saying "You are already talking to a lawyer." I told him I wasn't, but that was the direction we are headed in. To keep it short, I stayed calm. He went from very angry, shaking, to crying, begging, pleading. I did give a few specific reasons to me wanting to leave. I told him that I can't even see through all the anger and resentment that I have built up, and that I am moving out. He's angry because I've "been gone all summer already", which is funny because I only went to my brother's house for 1 week and have been here the rest of the time.

So, I finally just put a stop to everything and calmly said, "Well, I have an appointment with a banker on Monday and I am going to be looking for rentals or a home to purchase, whatever is best." Then, as I walked away into the bedroom I told him that maybe he should get out and see a friend or talk to his dad. He told me he doesn't have anybody.

So, I shut myself in my bathroom for a bit to quit shaking and give him a few minutes. During that time I hear doors slamming, things being thrown, and he comes in the bedroom and rips things out of the dresser. He then slams more doors and just now went out the front door, got in his truck, and pealed out. He was driving like a maniac and slipping all over the dirt drive going full speed and whipping his truck around as fast as he could. I'm scared that he shouldn't even be driving like this, but I don't know what to do. I even thought about contacting his dad, but right now I don't think that would be a good idea because I know his dad and sister are going to cut loose on me when they hear. They're a little crazy. But, his dad is about all he has.

I do feel very, very, very bad for him. I feel very sad that he is hurting so much and that I am the one hurting him. But, I just can't live in limbo like this. He wants more time to change, but I've been battling with him about these issues from the beginning and we are 2 years in now and nothing has changed. It's just gotten worse. I KNOW he loves me and wants to give me everything, but I also KNOW that I can't be that one for him anymore. I can't love him like he needs to be loved and like he deserves to be loved. I lost that somewhere along the way and it's time to step up and be honest with ourselves and move on with our lives.

So, I'm wondering if I should get out of here and go to a friend's tonight. Don't have many close friends here and one is in the process of moving, so not sure how that will go. Or, should I just get a hotel room for the night. Or, maybe he will? I'm just afraid that he's going to go out and get very drunk and come back and be very angry or very depressed. I don't think he'd ever hurt me, but it does scare me when he is this way.

I know he can't see why I did this yet. I know he is blaming himself so much. He doesn't see that I am hurting, too. But, I feel I've already mourned my marriage, and now it's time to move on.

And he just sent me a text saying "Don't worry about me anymore I will be ok Luv you bye". What's that mean?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's just being dramatic with his texts.  Don't respond. Let him calm down and let him sit in it for a while.

I would say go to a friend's house if you can and don't tell him where you are going. He's going to have a rough night. You don't need any drama.

Good luck.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

that_girl said:


> He's just being dramatic with his texts.  Don't respond. Let him calm down and let him sit in it for a while.
> 
> I would say go to a friend's house if you can and don't tell him where you are going. He's going to have a rough night. You don't need any drama.
> 
> Good luck.


I definitely won't respond. I know that's what he wants. Anytime we fight or I am gone, he texts and texts and calls and calls. I've learned when to not respond.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good. Maybe turn off your phone for a while.

And try to get out and breathe.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

IDK but I feel bad for him.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Sounds like an abusive and insecure fellow, restraining order perhaps?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Married in VA said:


> Sounds like an abusive and insecure fellow, restraining order perhaps?


He's not abusive. Very angry but he usually just takes it out on himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

keko said:


> IDK but I feel bad for him.


I do, too, but there's nothing I can do at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Slamming doors, throwing objects, and breaking things IS abusive. I understand being angry and having to go to my car to scream. Destroying property is ABUSE. Please be careful.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Married in VA said:


> Slamming doors, throwing objects, and breaking things IS abusive. I understand being angry and having to go to my car to scream. Destroying property is ABUSE. Please be careful.


I understand that but I truly don't think he'd hurt me. Anyway he's staying at his dads tonight so that'll give him some time. Thanks for your concern.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Thoughts and Prayers to both of you in this gut wrenching situation !!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Even though I made this choice it's scary and sad. This is not what in wanted from this marriage. And I'm sad that he is hurting and I'm the cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You "chickened out" like my wife said she did.

It's heartbreaking and very cruel. Have no doubt that he has every right to feel whatever he feels. Your decision to leave him will have consequences, and although he's being a needy begger for now, eventually he will absolutely hate you for what you've done. There will be a day when you'll look back and realize the hurt you've caused. It's much more immense than you'd like to believe right now.

I'm not sure how often walk-away wives end up in a happier place after leaving their husbands, but I hear the odds are not good.

You typed exactly the story my wife would've typed here. It really touched some nerves and I completely realize how bitter I sound. It's because I AM bitter and don't see why your husband should have to go through this when you yourself claim that he really loves you and you don't love him back the way you should.

I'm sorry but your husband deserves a lot more of my sympathy than you do. I wish he'd register here so I could offer him my support. You on the other hand don't seem to need much support. You need a shot of reality. It's coming.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Synthetic, I don't think there is any excuse for attacking this OP like this. If you've read her story, she clearly has good reasons for leaving.

You have your own issues, as we all do, but people come here for support, and when a poster has been thoughtful and careful with his/her decision, I'm not sure that this kind of attack is productive.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

synthetic said:


> You "chickened out" like my wife said she did.
> 
> It's heartbreaking and very cruel. Have no doubt that he has every right to feel whatever he feels. Your decision to leave him will have consequences, and although he's being a needy begger for now, eventually he will absolutely hate you for what you've done. There will be a day when you'll look back and realize the hurt you've caused. It's much more immense than you'd like to believe right now.
> 
> ...


You do sound very bitter. Taking that anger out on someone who is trying to do their best in what you think is a similar situation is not the best outlet. My h is hurting but I've also been hurting since we got married and he put up his walls. No sex for 18 months when we haven't even made it to our 2nd anniv? Does that sound right to you? And that's just one problem. However that's the giant one that makes me realize we aren't lovers we are just friends. And lately just roommates. 

I've realized we have prob made a mistake in getting married. I'm trying to be strong enough to admit that. It's taken a lot of soul searching and this is not easy for either of us. I don't want to start all over but I also don't want to be in a marriage this way. 

So I know I will second guess myself. That's just my nature. But in the end I have to do what I think is best. 

And you are right.nhe deserves better. He deserves someone that truly makes him happy. But that person is not me. And I fear that until he learns to love himself he will find it difficult to find someone who can truly love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My husband put up walls between us also. They are firmly in place and I do not want to try anymore. He was the one who initially wanted out of the marriage. Now I'm the one filing the papers since it is hopeless, he will never change, and every day I stay in the same house with him is damaging to ME.

When people put up these walls and keep their spouse firmly locked out of their world, it is not a marriage. Its an arrangement.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, today I got preapproved to buy a house and I have a couple in mind that are lower than my pre approval. The banker noted that I seemed very nervous. I guess I am. It's a big move, a big decision to make. She asked if my h and I would ever get back together, if that was a possibility. I think that if I leave, then it's not a possibility. At least on my part. If it is going to happen, then he's going to need to make some major changes, and that will take time, maybe years. 

Really uncomfortable living in my house right now. He didn't get up off the couch all day yesterday. I still talk to him, but he is giving me the silent treatment as much as he can. I asked him if he wanted me to sleep in the extra bedroom, which is a mess with all of his clothing, and he said, "I'm not going to sleep anyway, so just do whatever you want." Not going to play those games, so I just slept in our bedroom because that is where I'm comfortable. Not even going to get into trying to figure out what would be most comfortable for him.

brokenbythis - I agree with your statement of it being an arrangement, not a marriage. That is how I've felt since he married me.

However, there is still a part of me that keeps asking if this is the right decision.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So my h and I talked some. Not calmly, but not fighting completely. Just raised voices. We are living in the same house with each other, so of course we should be civil. But, I can't stand watching him lay on the couch and mope, so I usually go to the bedroom. 

Told him I looked at a house today. Now, he tells me he called the counselor and is going to ic next week and is going to see how it goes. I don't see him doing it long term. And I don't see him doing it for himself, I think he's doing it to save the marriage.

He keeps telling me that he loves me, that he wants to be married to ME, not just to anyone. That he waited 10 years after his first divorce to find ME. I know he loves me. But I don't think I love him anymore. Not after being blocked out as much as he has blocked me out.

He is crying all the time. I do feel bad for him, but I don't feel like I can break down and lose it. I don't think there's anything wrong with a man crying, and I understand he is hurting, but it definitely doesn't make him any more attractive to me.

He said he has thought about our relationship every day for the last year. So, why hasn't he brought any issues up? He sucks at communicating, that I know. But, if he was that worried about our relationship, then he should talk to me. And when I bring things up, he should discuss them with me! We haven't had sex for 18 months. He says "YOU THINK I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU??? I WANTED TO EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT!" So, how could he let it go that long.

I know he is a hurt soul. I realize he's got some deep issues that he needs to take care of if he is ever going to truly be happy. I worry that he feels if he is with me, that is all he needs to be happy.

But, I feel like I am a bad person for making the choice to leave him. I feel like I married him, so shouldn't I stay through all of it? Should I stay even if we don't have sex? At this point, I am not even attracted to him. I don't want to have sex with him, but as his wife, shouldn't I? Should I stay and just force myself to "pretend" until it gets better? Is it selfish of me to leave now???

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. I'm not scared of being alone, but I am scared of never getting another chance to have kids and have a family. I do know that my h WANTS to take care of me. That he WANTS to be a good husband. That he WANTS to be a good father. That he does have a good heart. 

I realize now that we should've remained friends. I feel that I got swept into this marriage. Not blaming him for that. He put me on a pedestal and I thought that was wonderful. I thought maybe that's what I needed. 

I'm so confused and feel lost. And I feel like a terrible person for hurting him so much by telling the truth.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

may be he is suicidal be careful


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Beelzebub said:


> may be he is suicidal be careful


I've thought about that in the past, too. But, he is talking to his family, so that's good. I urged him to use his support systems (family, friends). And I do know he talked to his counselor on the phone today.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

This sounds exactly like my situation with my wife. She blew up on me and I was very sad and depressed. It has now been over one month and for me, things are getting much better. For my wife, she found someone else within 2 weeks and while we were still living together. I guess that was her method of moving on and not thinking about the separation. It is nice to get the other side's view of this type of situation.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

socalguy said:


> This sounds exactly like my situation with my wife. She blew up on me and I was very sad and depressed. It has now been over one month and for me, things are getting much better. For my wife, she found someone else within 2 weeks and while we were still living together. I guess that was her method of moving on and not thinking about the separation. It is nice to get the other side's view of this type of situation.


Thank you. I'm trying to see his side of things as well.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, I second guessed myself tonight. My dad was going to come up in the morning and look at at house I am interested in buying. I finally called and told him to give me a few days and my h and I went out for supper tonight. My idea. I thought maybe we could talk. We've never had a problem being friends. And talking in public may help him hold in his emotions.

But, it never works. Whether it's me or him, it always becomes emotional and becomes an argument. He says he is making changes now to be a better communicator. That he sees his faults. I really feel he does see those faults, but he's told me he's going to change before, and it's been just words. Is it real now since I've made this step and scared him???? 

Tonight he opened up and told me more about his first marriage. I was under the impression that they married young, had 2 children, she cheated, yada, yada, yada. But, tonight he says how much it hurt because they were together, she got pregnant, his dad told him to do the right thing, so he felt like he had to marry her. I don't know at this point whether I was lied to or just believed what I wanted to believe. But, I do feel this is somethign we should've talked about before if it hurts him so much. I WANT him to be able to share things with me.

So, if I go on and buy this house....it's over in my mind. I'm not going back. It would take a lot. I thought this was the decision I was ready for??

Yet, on the other hand, I'm afraid I haven't done enough. I haven't been good enough. I haven't been a good enough wife. I haven't tried hard enough to make it work. To make his fears go away. To make him see my love. Isn't that what a wife is supposed to do??

I'm so confused. So lost. I thought I was on the right track, but I just keep second guessing myself. I don't want to make the wrong decision and pay for it my whole life. I'm so scared


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