# Why do people not see me as being his wife even after 20 years?



## AquaTulip (May 7, 2012)

Maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing.

I've been married for 20 years. We have a 16 year old son together. 

DH was married before for 2 years back in the early 80s. The girl he married was 19. She already had 3 children of her own (4, 3 and 2). DH and his ex dated 3 months before they married. DH adopted her kids and the ex promptly left and filed for divorce. He raised the 3 kids on his own. She divorced him and went on with her life. He did everything on his own with no help from her. She didn't even come around until the youngest turned 18. The kids have forgiven her for not seeing them all those years.

Still to this day, people think of DH's family as his ex wife and her 3 kids (which legally are his). I'm looked upon as being like some random girlfriend, mistress, friend or something.

I've never done anything wrong. DH's kids and myself have always had a great relationship. 

DH's family still call me by his ex's name, when clearly I'm not her. DH's sister still randomly talks about how pretty or nice his ex was (nice enough to marry someone, use them and leave her children).

DH's family does not include our son in any family activities, but will include DH's adopted children. They even include DH's adopted son's girlfriend's kids, but not me nor our son. It's always been this way. It's like they see me as DH's mistress, and our son as just mine and he means nothing to them. 

It's not like I broke up their marriage. She left in the early 80s. I met DH in 1990.

One niece is getting married. It's a casual affair, but they only asked DH and his 3 adopted kids to attend. Not me. Her mother is now friends with the ex on facebook and invited the ex to the wedding, but didn't invite me. and worse yet, didn't invite our son.

Maybe his family is just weird, but it's beyond annoying. I've inquired and was totally ignored.

It's not only his family though who do this. I can't tell you how many times DH has run into a former coworker or neighbor or something at the store. When he says I'm his wife, they think I'm his ex. Everyone clearly knows what she did to DH. Maybe they think he remarried her or something. 

DH doesn't think it's a big deal, but he's not the one who has to live with it. He's never thought it was a problem that his wife of 20 years and our 16 year old son are considered outsiders and never included in anything by anyone on his side of the family. DH will even go alone to his family events without asking myself or our son to go. My son and I end up doing things together instead.

My family and friends adore DH and his 3 kids and treat them like family.

I can't be the only one this is happening to. 

It sucks. I feel like moving away. It's easy for someone to say to just get over it, but it really, truly sucks. Had I known that I'd be shunned after 20 years of marriage, I honestly don't know if I would have married DH.

Is anyone else in this situation?

Any advice?


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

Sorry but reading this I cannot believe it you and DH have been married 20 years for crying out loud!!

DH family sounds totally unreasonable and I feel so awful for you. As I hope I am NOT in this position in the future (I am recently engaged to a man who was married before and also has 3 kids). 

Have you confronted DH about this? What does he say? Has he tried to talk to his parents? 

His family sounds a little off if they are still not accepting you after 20 years and a child, their grandchild!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

They do this because your husband does not set them straight.

Why does your husband tolerate his family treating you and your child this way? Your 16 year old is his child as well. So your child is their blood relative.

The fact that they accept the ex and are so friendly with her is a huge put down for your husband. She mistreated your husband but they are ok with that?

By the way, he adopted the children. They are his children because of this. So your making a distinction between them is odd as well.

My take on it is that his family just does not like you and they enjoy being able to mistreat your husband and you with their nonsense.

If I were you I'd take a stand on this. Tell your husband that if you and your 16 yr old are not invited to the wedding you don't want him to go. Point out to him that his family is mistreating and disrespecting him by mistreating is 16 yr old child and by showing disrespect to the woman he has been married to for years.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I must concur with EleGirl. Aqua your husband is not much of a husband, father or man. His behavior is pathetic. Momma's boy I presume?

I believe you should let him know you will not tolerate the disrespect he shows you particularly with his family. You think you feel badly I guarantee you child is scarred for life.


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## AquaTulip (May 7, 2012)

It's not strange to point out in a lengthy post that the 3 kids are adopted. It's true. It doesn't bother them. They refer to DH as their step dad instead of their dad ever since their bio dad came back into the picture about 7 years ago. They call their bio dad Dad now, even though they still love DH.
Even the one son's new girlfriend's daughter calls DH grandpa even though he isn't. 
No big deal.

DH is quiet. He's always been that way. The rest of his family is not. DH will avoid conflict at all costs.
Even if I tell him I'll move out if he goes alone, he'll still go alone.

My son is a little bothered by this whole thing, but he says it's been that way his whole life. If they don't like him, then he won't like them. He just moves on and is happy. I wish I could be like that.

If DH's side of the family wasn't doing this stuff, I'd say we'd have a really great life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AquaTulip said:


> DH will avoid conflict at all costs.
> Even if I tell him I'll move out if he goes alone, he'll still go alone.
> 
> If DH's side of the family wasn't doing this stuff, I'd say we'd have a really great life.


So your DH will avoid conflict to the point that he will throw you under the bus? How about you? Are you avoiding conflict too?

Basically, it appears he is telling you in his own passive-aggressive way that it is HIS way or the HIGHWAY. You don't like it, fine. Go [email protected] yourself.

His family is doing "stuff" because your husband is avoidant to the point that he puts their desires ahead of yours.

The thing is, you have allowed this to go on forever.

So you are stuck with it. Either that, or you leave. Because hubs has made it very clear he is going to go along with their game plan. Not yours.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Hooo boy, does this one hit home with me!!! 

I was married to one of those specimen misbranded as a "man". His sister told me, early on that her brother usually dates good-looking women, so she is surprised he is going out with me. (WTF??? <FTR, I am a whole lotta better looking than she has ever been, and get complimented on my looks, but that's just an aside and to point out the nastiness in this family.> I was never introduced to the extended family, and my in-laws were also smitten by his ex-GF before I entered the picture, who was dumb as straw, and a gold digger. When they visited, I felt like a stranger in my own home, and STBXH never stood up for me. Just like yours, he pursued his own agenda, regardless of my or our son's feelings. My son is still considered a bit of an outcast by them, but he has Asperger's, and is mostly oblivious to their treatment of him.

Back to you, I get exactly what your situation must feel like to you, and can only suggest that you put on your big girl pants, be brave, and take a firm stance, and follow through. Or else you will live in agony and self-doubt forever. I lived like this for almost 25 years, and cannot even begin to describe the many ways it eroded some of my feelings of self-worth, and built a lot of self-doubt, both unjustifiably, just because those people know neither boundaries nor respect. You're married to a passive-aggressive wuss, who was probably raised by a domineering mother and learned those maladaptive patterns early on, in order to evade her wrath. Your hubby won't change unless he will make a conscious decision to grow a pair, and side with you. But don't count on it.

Until you will get these issues addressed and resolved, you are living a hollow shell of a marriage, because you are really on your own in this partnership, especially during tough times. Don't waste your precious years like that, like I did. If this man does not want to commit to you, in public and in private, then don't commit to him, either. Give as good as you get. 

Many hugs, and please keep us posted!!

SG


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

AquaTulip said:


> It's not strange to point out in a lengthy post that the 3 kids are adopted. It's true. It doesn't bother them. They refer to DH as their step dad instead of their dad ever since their bio dad came back into the picture about 7 years ago. They call their bio dad Dad now, even though they still love DH.
> Even the one son's new girlfriend's daughter calls DH grandpa even though he isn't.
> No big deal.
> 
> ...


First off... He'll do anything to avoid conflict with his family, including (as others have said) throw you under the bus. Your needs come way down on the priority list.

Second... You've apparently made "threats" of leaving, and then not left. All that does is teach him that you can safely be ignored.

Third... As others have said. If he was standing up for you properly to family, neighbors, AND co-workers, this wouldn't be an issue. 

If you want this behavior to stop, you're going to have to influence his behavior. Because that's where the problem starts. And that means standing up for yourself and your son.

C


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

And to answer the original question of yours: because he does not treat you like his wife, or asserts who you are. Does he see himself as being married (to you)?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As long as he goes along with what his family wants, they won't see you as his wife. It comes down to what he is allowing to happen. They wouldn't succeed if he had your back. He doesn't.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

AquaTulip said:


> It's not strange to point out in a lengthy post that the 3 kids are adopted. It's true. It doesn't bother them. They refer to DH as their step dad instead of their dad ever since their bio dad came back into the picture about 7 years ago. They call their bio dad Dad now, even though they still love DH.
> Even the one son's new girlfriend's daughter calls DH grandpa even though he isn't.
> No big deal.
> 
> ...


*Sounds like that is never going to happen because your husband is a jelly fish. Feel free to rattle off some of his endearing qualities. Whatever they may be they cannot possibly overshadow what a failure he is as your husband and a father.*


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

RClawson said:


> *Sounds like that is never going to happen because your husband is a jelly fish. Feel free to rattle off some of his endearing qualities. Whatever they may be they cannot possibly overshadow what a failure he is as your husband and a father.*


While I'm not privy to your homelife, and how you (the original poster) interact with your spouse, I would still like to take this one step further...You are upset at how you are being treated, you ask your husband to change his ways so that he become a man/husband with integrity, which he may perceive as pressure or nagging, and it is clearly something he is unable or unwilling to do for you. There is a good chance that he may become vulnerable to an affair (the ultimate passive-aggressive act in a marriage), with a woman who does not have this expectation, and who will tell him how great he is both as a father, and man. 

There were people in my life who flat out told me that they thought my STBXH was cheating, I did not want to listen, and had my head way deep in the sand. When the house of cards collapsed, it was a huge eye opener for me.

Please be careful, and proceed with foresight and smarts, but by all means, take some power back, and put your foot down. You want a spouse who can live up to your integrity and moral standards. Whether he is able to deliver remains to be seen when you take charge and show him the way.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

AquaTulip said:


> Maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing.


NO, you are absolutely not making a big deal over nothing. If your letter is for real, then your husband and his family are rejecting their own flesh and blood, and that would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

AquaTulip---

You're husband is sending YOU a message. He doesn't want to stand up for you.

Sorry... this reaks of story phishing to me. I apologize if it's not. I apologize if you have really been married for a whole 20 years to a man who's original family has not embraced you as his wife.

It also seems odd to me that you've been married to him for 20 years.. that he had full custody and adopted his children, yet you do not once talk about them as if they were YOUR children. 

From the story, they would have lived with you for at least 16 years... since your kid was born. No? So all that time, you call them your adopted step kids? THEY probably resent you as well.

IF this is really a true situation, then I'd say you resent his children more than the rest of your husband's mother/father & siblings. It's his children that you feel he is favoring over your 16yr old son.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

His family is both ignorant and rude...You show a lot of class for not having pitched a hand grenade into the whole pile if them years ago.....Do you really WANT to associate with them?

They are not worth your time or worry .......

My mother hated my wife when we married. I was young, and she was a single mom....I was offered a hot new car if I didn't marry her....

I refused, and at 19 I became a husband and step dad.....

As each of my family met my new wife, the fell in love with her for her kind, loving manner, and the way she took care of her new family......everyone except my mom....There wasn't a kind word for 30 years........

One night at a picnic and after a couple of beers she tearfully confessed to my wife that she had made me a good wife and was a wonderful mother.....

Of course the damage had been done, they were never close, but my wife was as grief stricken as the close family members at my mothers funeral.......

Remember I told you she had a kind nature...She also has lots of class....much like you.......

Your husband should show as much class by refusing to accept any invitations that do not include you.....

If he doesn't he is a jerk......Stay aloof from them....You are way above them anyhow, so let it show in your attitude...Class always shines in a crowd like your in laws....

PS...been married 47 years...

the woodchuck


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## belinda222 (Jul 15, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this and it must hurt. I like what the above poster "woodchuck" had to say although many are saying to stand your ground and be aggressive I think that will fuel more fire. e I mean at the end of the day you cant force them to do anything-they will have to want to do it. Always be a woman of class and like others have said its his family so he NEEDS to handle it.

I cant stop but wonder if there is more going on that you don't know about? like is he living a double life? after 20 years and having a child with him they should accept you and the child.

can I ask a few questions and please don't be offended I just want to help.

1.How are you around them? are you personable and social? or are you shy? could they think you don't like them?

2. Have you held events to include his family? such as a party for hubby or your child and invite them your self?? this is a good way to show an effort that you want to get to know them and your hubby will also see that you are trying on your part.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

he does need to "handle it" but it appears he is not man enough to do that.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

AquaTulip said:


> Maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing.
> 
> I've been married for 20 years. We have a 16 year old son together.
> 
> ...



You sounds like you have a lot of resentment inside of you. And understandably so. I would feel the same. Have you searched professional help? Dont let those feelings corrode you inside.

Have you ever brought that to his attention? Is he aware that his own family ostracizes you and your son?

My guess is that his family is aware that this is very hurtful for you. Try to not show it to them. Be the bigger person. On the wedding day, do something extra nice for you and your son. Forget about mediocre people.


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