# Am I a complete idiot to think we can make it?



## istherehope (May 27, 2012)

Hi there,

I stumbled across this site a few weeks ago and have finally built up the courage to ask for advice. Sorry it is so long. 

We have been married just over a year, both in our mid 30s, with no children although we have been trying for the last 8 months.

While we were dating I became aware that my now husband was on dating websites and social networking sites looking for "friends". I was constantly checking his phone and emails (unbeknownst to him). I eventually had the courage to confront him about it all and he admitted everything and promised to stop doing it.

A week before the wedding when checking my emails on his laptop, sitting beside him on the sofa, I realised he had accidentally left his facebook account open. So I looked at it. There were messages between him and a woman he had "hooked up" with the previous weekend. I had been out with his sisters and mother having a special welcome to the family dinner at the time. This woman he had hooked up with was visiting our city for the weekend. 

He had met this woman and her friends some months previously in an airport on his way home from a boys weekend away. Obviously they had become friends on facebook after this meeting. 

To say I was devastated is an understatement. Those of you who have ever stumbled across the fact that the person you love most in the world has cheated on you, will know exactly what I mean. I checked his phone later that evening and found out they hadn't used any protection- I was sick to my stomach.

The next few days passed in a haze and I just didn't know what to do. I didn't confide in anyone as I was in total shock. I wrote him a letter and left the house for the night. He rang me and begged me to come home to talk. I came home at 2am and we talked and talked and talked. He claimed the reason it had happened was because he had panicked about getting married. And that he didn't deserve me, I was too good for him. He was extremely remorseful. He has MAJOR issues dealing with any kind of stress- becomes VERY angry, says horrible things and generally behaves like an a*****e. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and has never had any treatment for it- I would consider him to display a lot of the signs ADHD in an adult.

I came so so close to calling off the wedding but I decided to give him a chance. I demanded that he break all contact with the woman, that he get an STD check and that he see somebody about his issues.

He broke contact (well for a while- keep reading!) and went for an STD check and got the all clear. He did not go for any kind of counselling, neither did I. We had a tough year but we got through it.

So forward on a year later- exactly to the date and he did it again, with the same woman!!! Who was visiting our city for the same weekend as last year- obviously a traditional holiday of hers. This time it was the week before our first wedding anniversary, it was also a two weeks before he was deployed overseas for six months.

I have never felt hurt like it. I thought it was bad the first time but nothing will ever compare to the raw hurt I felt/still feel.

I found out because he was acting very strangely and I checked his phone. She had sent him a text to say she her plane had landed and would he meet her for a drink and "I hope you are h**** because I'm dying to be f*****". This woman is in her late forties, is married and has children- nothing to do with the situation really but I think it paints the picture of what kind of woman he chose to potentially throw his marriage away on. I also found out from his phone messages that my husband took pictures of their encounter- I have no idea where these photos are now. 

So we stayed living under the same roof, no physical contact whatsoever, me crying and crying and crying for days and him apologising for days and days. We kept up the pretence of our marriage for our families as they were both so upset with the thoughts of him leaving the country for six months.

So he has gone overseas for six months. He left still apologising and begging my forgiveness. He left cards and letters and notes all over the house professing his love for me and begging to be forgiven. He apologised in one card for not being able to deal with stress and modern life. He said the things he has done are a stupid escape and are not his true thoughts or intentions. He said he had contemplated suicide as he knew he had destroyed our amazing relationship and had hurt me so much.

We are talking every day but just about day-to-day things.

Obviously he has been in touch with this woman during the year. He is not friends with her on facebook so I don't know how he is in touch with her.

I am able to forget about everything that has happened, most of the time, because he is not here or even in the country and I am currently extremely busy in work and am spending hours each night focused on various projects. I have completely distracted myself and that seems to be helping me at the moment although I know in the long run this is a terrible way to deal with things. 

I love my husband with every ounce of my body. I cannot picture a happy future without him. He is my best friend, my soul mate and the absolute love of my life. But I don't know if I can go on living my life always wondering will he do it again. What if he gets stressed again (which is inevitable)? What if we have a major incident in our life a few years down the line if we do reconcile, like have a baby, move house, death of a parent, illness- will he do it again? Life is going to throw us curve-balls, is he going to cheat every time? 

What do you think of my situation? Do you think I am fighting a losing battle? Is there any hope for our marriage? 

I will be away with work for the weekend so I will have difficulties getting time to answer any replies but I will reply as soon as I can.
Thank you so much for any advice you have.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You should have called off the wedding.

I'm sorry...life is stress. We all get stressed. We don't all respond by doing what he did, and what he clearly is threatening/promising to do again.

You are young and you deserve better. I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I don't think you are an idiot, but I also don't think you are looking at things very clearly.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry for your situation.

Quickly find out this woman's husband and inform him of the multiple affairs. This will ensure that side of the affair is "killed".


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Talk to MAP


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

istherehope said:


> Am I a complete idiot to think we can make it?


No, just naive. That won't last much longer though.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

istherehope said:


> What do you think of my situation? Do you think I am fighting a losing battle? Is there any hope for our marriage?


You should have at the very least postponed the wedding for a year or so.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!!
Kids will make your divorce and future love life much more difficult.

Your husband is a serial cheater with lots of excuses.

I can`t believe the guy didn`t even think to delete the last messages.

Demand the womans name and info and inform her husband of her affair.
This will for sure put an end to her annual holiday.

After that I think you should divorce him.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

The fact that you caught him once, and he obviously kept in touch with the woman... I'm sorry for your pain, I am, but I don't think I could trust him ever again at all. The fact that you always checked his stuff anyway shows that you never really trusted him in the first place. 


It's easy to blame the other person, it has a purpose, but it does take two, no matter what. And the fact he took pictures... why would he want a reminder of what he did if he was guilty? 

Not being able to deal with stress... then he should NOT be in the military. Before you even consider patching things up when he gets back he needs to going to counseling. If he's sorry, he'll go. 
He only appears to be sorry when he's caught. How many time has this happened that he didn't get caught?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find this woman. Get into his email or his phone records, but find her and find her husband.

Expose the affair to him, or she will be back whenever she feels like hooking up. She might even go visit him while he's over seas.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Married just over a year, no kids, he cheated before the wedding and again so early into the marriage. This is a no brainer...

RUN! And don't look back. He's just not ready for a lifetime committment. You've just been given a preview of what it will be like if you stay with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## istherehope (May 27, 2012)

Thank you to all of you who replied. 

To those who said I shouldn't have married him.....not sure how to take that as advice.....because I did. I can't change the past, but I can influence the future.

I have decided I'm giving it one last go. Many of you may be rolling your eyes reading this thinking, you fool. 

All I have done all weekend is think about everything. I just can't leave him without one last try. I have been reading other threads and advice on this website. 

I am going to write him a letter asking for full transparency, absolutely no inappropriate contact with any women and total honesty from here on out. I am also going to demand he gets help with his stress management issues. When he gets back from overseas we are not going to be sleeping together, let alone trying for a baby. I am going to find a therapist who can help me deal with my feelings of absolute devastation. If he has a problem with any of these things then I'll know- he actually doesn't want this marriage to work. If he agrees to what I'm referring to in my head as "my terms" then at least we'll both be trying to save our marriage. 

I know this problem that can't be fixed overnight and I know we have a long long road ahead of us, possibly years. I feel that I have to at least give it a proper try. I am hopeful he feels the same way.

I am not from the US and divorce is a very different ball game here. We have to be legally separated for five years before you can even apply for a divorce and then it can take up to two/three years before it will come to court.

I am hoping that I will not have to go through that process but if I do at least it will be after I have done everything I possibly can to save my marriage. 

Thanks for taking time to read and reply xx


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You can ask him, and ask him, and ask him

All you will get is a different version of the same lie. While you were taking your wedding vows your new husband was standing next to you knowing he had got away with it , and as per the cheaters script was taking it underground .

Your only option for your own mental and emotional well being is to divorce this man, I am normally pro marriage, in your case you are not in a marriage. You are allowing your desire for a happy marriage to cloud reality . You can have that marriage with a different man not the one who pretends he is your husband.

For a start call his parents and yours and tell them of his adultery. Tell a good friend and go in to see a councillor . You need someone to talk to who is not going to guide you to stay in a once sided marriage for traditional or religious reasons. Your husband has failed in his ability to protect and care for you, all he has thought of is himself. 

His bleating and behaviour is what cheaters do, as soon as you put down the phone he is back to his old self .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

This post reminds me of a poster elsewhere , her husband had been having sexual trysts with an older woman when they were dating, when they were engaged , when she was pregnant and through most of her marriage. She thought he stopped was being honest and working on the marriage , what happened is he got better at hiding it .

Eventually he was caught a second time and he rattled off the same diatribe he used before with all the begging, sorries and tears he could muster . 

As a woman you will want to believe in the goodness in your husband , your natural instinct is to protect your vows and marriage. Sometimes you have to step back , swallow the hurt and remove yourself from this mess. Your husband had a chance to change , he is still in contact with her , he will lie , deny and lie some more. 

You deserve a life filled with love and happyness not one where you can never trust the man your with. You have no children and are very early into your marriage, why perpetuate the lie.

The woman I mentioned earlier eventually D her husband , where is he , on to his next conquest without a worry in the world.

A thought in my mind says emigrate to the US and D your husband , then there is no need to wait five years.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

keko said:


> Sorry for your situation.
> 
> Quickly find out this woman's husband and inform him of the multiple affairs. This will ensure that side of the affair is "killed".


:iagree: 

this could also help you in regaining your confidence a bit


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

istherehope said:


> Thank you to all of you who replied.
> 
> To those who said I shouldn't have married him.....not sure how to take that as advice.....because I did. I can't change the past, but I can influence the future.
> 
> ...


Don't have kids for atleast 3 more years. Your H will cheat again. Start the divorce process. You can withdraw it if you decide to change mind about it. Phillipines right?


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## istherehope (May 27, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Don't have kids for atleast 3 more years. Your H will cheat again. Start the divorce process. You can withdraw it if you decide to change mind about it. Phillipines right?


Not the Phillipines, Ireland.

Somebody mentioned telling our parents about his cheating- this would be pointless- my mother is in a downward spiral of alcoholism and his mother suffers from manic depression. Telling them would only make their lives worse and would do nothing to ease the situation.

Thanks again to you all for your words, I am reading them and I can understand what you are saying- in fact the advise to leave my husband is what I would probably say to myself if I was a stranger or if my friend came to me looking for advice, but I cannot explain why I can't do it.

I just need to make sure there is absolutely no hope of us making it before throwing in the towel. I know that cheating on me twice probably proves that to most people but our marriage is so good apart that MAJOR issue. 

It's as if my WH has periods of time when he loses all rational thought and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions. This would be apparent in other aspects of his life too, for example money is a huge issue with him- he cannot have control of it or we would starve. 

I know that sounds like I am making excuses for his actions but I am not. Well in a way I am I suppose- I am hoping that the reason he cheated has something to do with his untreated ADHD and maybe by receiving help for this it will help him to come to a new way of thinking in the future.

I know I sound like I am seriously clutching at straws and if I was reading this about someone else I would be thinking I was a total walkover, but I won't make those judgements on people again. This is without doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. 

Being able to come on here is helping get some of my hurt out, thanks again xxx


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I don't know that I should be trying to give advise to someone else considering my own problems, but I can say that from my own experience (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47713-my-miserable-story-where-go-here.html) I don't think you should keep trying. I am pretty much (different here and there) where you are now. My wife has cheated on me several times, granted, she hasn't been remorseful considering them, but we tried to work it out, things seems to be going well and then BAM.. she's in bed with another guy.

I understand your burning desire to 'give it another try' and that you feel like if you don't than would gave up too early and maybe it could have worked. I have been there myself many times.. but IMHO, I don't think it will work out. If he has cheated multiple times with the same woman, there is a connection there that he doesn't want to give up. That, and she seems pretty easy. If he says he won't do it again, he'll just try to hide it better next time.

Considering you said that your marriage was good aside from his multiple A's. Maybe you should take this time that he is gone to seriously re-evaluate your marriage. My WW was not happy for a long time with me and I didn't see it until it was too late. Maybe you are fooling yourself or not seeing it.. that's the mistake I made. (well.. one of them anyway.. I made quite a few)
Chances are very high that he will cheat again.. maybe next year when his AP comes back, maybe a few years later.

Either way, don't have kids for awhile.
1. It will make your life more difficult if you end up divorcing.
2. Having a child will not save your marriage (not that you think it will, but the thought may cross your mind at some point)


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

There is no reason to give him a third chance here.

He is a serial cheater. He is reckless (unprotected sex with a sk*nk!) and doesn't care if he hurts you.

Be strong. Expose the affair to OW's husband and your H's family and yours, serve your H with divorce papers, and get yourself into therapy. He is not remorseful. He will do this to you again. You might get a nasty disease. You'll definitly get your heart-broken. Are multiple discovery-days about his affairs part of the happy future you're envisioning with him? Since he got away with it the first time, he's sure he can get away with it again, and if you let him, he will never ever stop. You don't deserve that. 

Get out of that marriage while you have the strength to do so. Get a counselor to help you cope with the betrayal.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So his mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? He's exhibited poor impulse control, hyper sexuality and overspending?

Has he ever been evaluated for mental illness? Bipolar disorder has a strong genetic component. 

Let me be exceedingly clear. A diagnoses in NO WAY excuses cheating, abuse or general a$$hole-ness. However, if you're serious about sticking things out, you might see if there is a medical component to this.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Fool you once, shame on him... fool you twice, shame on you. I would agree with the rest of the crowd that you should consider this man a cheater and one that makes the worst excuses for his actions. A lot of people have behavioral problem, its how you deal with those problems, your husband makes the excuse (or truely does deal with them) by cheating on you and sleeping with woman unprotected? There is no excuse for such behavior, you need to do what is right for yourself and get out while you are still young.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No kids, ok?


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

i'm going to take a different approach. OF COURSE you love him. he is the person you pledged your life to. don't feel foolish about that. you have a benifit very rare on this board. you have distance and perspective. you get a trial run of what a divorse would be, and you are choosing to make sure it is not necessary. i think that is very wise of you.

i don't know you, and i don't know him--so i have no real iea if he will do this to you again, and if he does, how you will react. 

i think the advice to not have kids, as well as the advice to out her to her husband is good advice.

good luck to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No. You are not an idiot. Though sadly, I think you may well have married one.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

He cheated on you before the wedding? Well, he clearly failed the "will he make a good husband" test. Also, the time before the wedding and during the first year is the honeymoon period for a relationship but he was already cheating due to stress?? What is he going to do when the real stressors in life show up? I think it's obvious.

This man has poor coping skills, poor communication skills and lacks integrity and empathy. The hallmarks of any serial cheater. And one time cheaters too but at least with a one time cheater, there might be a sliver of hope. Maybe.

But he witnessed your devastation and pain after his betrayal and he STILL kept in contact with his OW.

Seriously?

You love him. Of course you do. You also know you are making excuses for his behaviour which should be a huge red flag.

I think you know deep down what you must do but your love for this man is clouding what is right in front of you.

Seek counselling. If you stay with him... I agree, no kids for a long time.

You are heading for a disaster and it breaks my heart.


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## istherehope (May 27, 2012)

Many thanks for all your replies and advice.

I am having a really bad day today. I am sobbing all day, it is completely uncontrollable. I absolutely cannot stop. I cannot leave the house. I cannot stop my mind racing. I am feeling absolutely terrified about my future. 

I only got about four hours sleep last night with my mind racing and racing. I have been reading lots and lots of the other threads here and finding some solace in the strength of others on here.

I haven't written him the letter yet and we haven't discussed the whole thing once since he has gone, other than me acknowledging I read his letters and notes. I have been completely distracted with work up until Friday and I think this is why it's hit me today like a steam train.

Sorry if this is post is totally indulgent but I have no one to talk to about all this and I am feeling terribly alone and frightened xx


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, istherehope. I am so sorry.

I actually think it's probably good for you to take today and just fall apart and process all that emotion. You've been holding it together for work, but it's only human that it's all got to come out.

Please keep talking to us here.


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## istherehope (May 27, 2012)

Thanks Iamaga, I think even typing that has helped calm me down a bit. I've stopped shaking enough to type at a normal speed anyway! The house looks like I've been living in a rubbish dump for the last four weeks, as do I, so I might start trying to clean up- more distraction I know but I need to do something to stop my mind racing xxx


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My heart bleeds for you. I am crying for you. I know the love you have for him. I know it all too well. 

There is nothing worse than being in love with someone who doesn't care. May God bless you, and give you peace. Know that you are not to blame for what has happened, or what he has done.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Please, please listen to the advice.... before more time is wasted... you are still young and have no kids. You can have a great life with a person that is good for you. 

I know when you are in it, it is hard to see clearly. I am where you are with someone I love but is no good for me. I am planning on leaving him. I am mid 40's now and wish I did this when I was 30 when I knew that I should but just couldn't. 

Start the divorce and cut your losses.


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## istherehope (May 27, 2012)

myhope said:


> i'm going to take a different approach. OF COURSE you love him. he is the person you pledged your life to. don't feel foolish about that. you have a benifit very rare on this board. you have distance and perspective. you get a trial run of what a divorse would be, and you are choosing to make sure it is not necessary. i think that is very wise of you.
> 
> i don't know you, and i don't know him--so i have no real iea if he will do this to you again, and if he does, how you will react.
> 
> ...


Thanks myhope for this insight. 

I have been living as if this is a trial run of what a divorce would be like as you suggested.

My emotions have been all over the place for the last 93 days. I have veered from devastation to anger to being utterly terrified. 

At last, I finally found the courage to send my husband an email about the whole thing. I laid out in no uncertain terms the way I was feeling and what I felt we needed to do to try and salvage our marriage.

He has been extremely remorseful about everything since he's been away and taken full ownership it. He is home on leave next week for 20 days before another 3 months deployment.

Thanks to all of you who took time to read and offer advice. Kids are off the cards at the moment by the way.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Here are a few facts that you gave

Your husband has cheated on you several times

Your husband has been diagnosed with ADHD 

You said “absolutely terrified about my future.”
“My emotions have been all over the place”

Your husband is extremely remorseful and taken full ownership.





It appears that your husband really wants to do the right thing. He is probably a good man in many ways. Chances are is that he is not strong enough to make the changes that he needs to.

Any man in his right mind would love to have a wife like you. You are willing to go through hell to keep your marriage relationship with your husband after he has committed two blows of one of the greatest marriage killers of all time.

*Your chances to having a fulfilled marriage most of the time are very slim.* I do not say that because of the empathy that I have for you or my sense of wrong that I see that your husband has committed.

I say that based on the information that you have given. This is the information that I have noticed the most:

Your husband h is a repeat offender
Your husband has a condition diagnosed by the medical professional
Your husband’s mother suffers for manic depression (how much emotional support so you suppose that she gave to your husband during his imprinting youth?)
Your mother suffers from alcoholism and probably did not so the best job in giving you the foundation that you needed.

I do not think that it is impossible for you to make your marriage work to a degree but you will have more bad times than good times. To avoid this you both would have to have a miraculously great recovery that defies the norm.

*Please remember to build yourself up body, mind and spirit WITHOUT any false guilt that you should be fixing your husband. He is the only one that can fix himself. Your most important job is to help yourself.*

You are probably going to try and make it work so just know this. *You are NOT trapped like so many other women are. You have no children and do not have 20-30 years invested in your financial future with this man.* You are emotionally trapped at the moment but know that you can break that trap and be just fine. *Millions have done that and so can you*. Take care my dear as you will need care


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