# I withdraw, he leaves me to it but what I really want is his support



## withdrawn (Nov 25, 2008)

I have a partner whom I have been with for 7 months, he’s great, however, I tend to become very withdrawn during times of upset and I find it very difficult to show my feelings or ask for comfort. My partner is very open with his feelings but when I am upset he leaves me to my own devices. He believes in asking if I’m ok once and if he gets the response “I’m fine” then he rarely asks again and leaves me to it. I know he is right to do this but it just causes me to become even more withdrawn. My ex partner of 5 years was the total opposite, very attentive and would just turn up and stand in front of me and physically be there for me whether I asked him to or not. This worked really well and I would get the support I needed without having to ask for it.

That relationship broke down because his lifestyle was awful, I won’t go into details here.

New guy is great in all other respects but I fear that we will face difficult times during our life together and if I cannot count on his support I will not stay in the relationship.

Recently my Mother became very ill with a terminal illness she has been fighting for years. I went into robot mode, trying to sort things out and shut him out. He reacted by happily staying away and not pursuing me at all. This has gone on now for a week and we are barely speaking. He has no idea what’s going on with my Mother as he hasn’t really asked and I am preparing myself to potentially end the relationship with him. Partly because I am not thinking straight right now (I think!) and partly because I’m not sure I want to be with someone who just leaves me to it.

He’s always telling me he loves me but I have often wondered if he really does. He’s never shed a tear over a partner and he’s had a couple of relationships lasting many years, all the women have left him rather than the other way round. He says he tried to please them all the time but they still left him.

He does try and buys me flowers etc but I really do feel that he just doesn’t know what true love is. The pain that can often be associated with true love and the things you do for your partner because you love them, all of this I don’t think he really understands.

He was horrified that my ex continued to beg me to go back to him a year after I left him. He didn’t understand that he could feel so strongly for me. He sees it that my ex must be a very sad person to do that or feel like that.

Is he wrong for me? Is there a way to make him understand without confrontation as I hate that or should I just end it?

Thanks for reading


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Withdrawn – it is a catch 22….I am a man, and I will be the first to admit that I don’t get it. By nature we are “problem solvers” and that aggravates some women who just want to voice their feelings/problems and not have us solve it.
When you tell him you are “just fine” he might be taking that as you don’t want/need his help. Share your true thoughts with him. Tell him what you want (ie – just listen and symphonize right now, or help me find solutions). If your communications is as good as you say then telling him that when he leaves you alone you feel that you aren’t supported. As long as you do this in a carrying way to help him understand you he should appreciate it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

withdrawn said:


> I tend to become very withdrawn during times of upset and I find it very difficult to show my feelings or ask for comfort. My partner is very open with his feelings but when I am upset he leaves me to my own devices. He believes in asking if I’m ok once and if he gets the response “I’m fine” then he rarely asks again and leaves me to it.


I know what you mean. My h did this to me all the time. it was so depressing for me. i really felt like he didnt care. he'd ask me if i was ok, i'd say ya (but obviously i was not!) and he'd just go about his day. and like you, i knew i shouldnt say yes if i wasnt, but i thought, come on! if he cared at all he'd see that i am not ok!



withdrawn said:


> I fear that we will face difficult times during our life together and if I cannot count on his support I will not stay in the relationship.


everyone faces difficult times in their relationship. im not saying you should stay with him, but i am saying that if you're thinking of leaving because you're afraid there's going to be rough times, well, it doesnt matter who you are with. there will always be rough times. dont fear it. just deal with it when it happens.



withdrawn said:


> Recently my Mother became very ill with a terminal illness she has been fighting for years. I went into robot mode, trying to sort things out and shut him out. He reacted by happily staying away and not pursuing me at all.


I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my dad some years ago. i know the pain is something not many people can understand. Your boy doesnt understand. maybe he's never gone through something like this. or maybe he has and he just thinks there are different ways to handle it. I know you are scared to approach him b/c you're already on the edge and if he doesnt respond it could send you over, so my advice is to not talk to him about this. at least not right now. i dont know if you are a religious person, but there are those that understand. do you have other friends/family you could talk to? 



withdrawn said:


> He’s always telling me he loves me but I have often wondered if he really does. He’s never shed a tear over a partner and he’s had a couple of relationships lasting many years, all the women have left him rather than the other way round. He says he tried to please them all the time but they still left him.


You ought to ask him what he did to try to please them. and get the book "The five love languages." His love language is different from yours. and he could be emotionally inept. my H was. there was a lot brewing under the surface but my H held it all in. the first time my H has really talked to me was just within the last couple of weeks. and we've been together three years or so.

I dont know if your guy is brewing under the surface, or if he's just really mellow and hasnt had a lot of life experience to feel much, but either way, you can learn to love him, even if his love language is different then yours. Not saying that you should, but you could.



withdrawn said:


> He was horrified that my ex continued to beg me to go back to him a year after I left him. He didn’t understand that he could feel so strongly for me. He sees it that my ex must be a very sad person to do that or feel like that.


It might be that you are constantly comparing him to your exe. it must be too very extremely polar relationships. on the one hand you had a guy who was constantly in your space, not listening to you b/c he was overbearing, and now, you have a guy who completely gives you your space. 



withdrawn said:


> Is he wrong for me? Is there a way to make him understand without confrontation as I hate that or should I just end it?


I dont know if he's right for you. I dont think you should confront him just yet. Do you have other friends/family you can talk to? Is there anyone else you trust? do you believe in a higher power? I think for a month you should try and make yourself feel better. and just observe him without casting judgement on him.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Maybe you should try given him an open and honest answer the first time, rather than the "i'm fine" answer when that is not the truth. Because i would bet that your partner would be there to listen and offer support.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I know what you mean. My h did this to me all the time. it was so depressing for me. i really felt like he didnt care. he'd ask me if i was ok, i'd say ya (but obviously i was not!) and he'd just go about his day. and like you, i knew i shouldnt say yes if i wasnt, but i thought, come on! if he cared at all he'd see that i am not ok!


that's what lead to those two responses we talked about earlier. how dangerous that the next step is "nevermind," "nothing," and "whatever/i don't know."


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> that's what lead to those two responses we talked about earlier. how dangerous that the next step is "nevermind," "nothing," and "whatever/i don't know."


lol...ya it sure did lead to that.


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