# What is the difference between resentment and hurt?



## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I would like to think I don't harbor any resentment towards my husband. I am trying all I can to make my marriage happy and healthy. 

However, when conflict arises it seems to bring up all the hurt feelings I had from the past. Is this resentment as well or is this just a matter of wounds still being fresh. 

Once the conflict is resolved, I don't continue to treat him with anger but I still feel hurt if I think about what was said/done for a few days after depending on how the conflict/argument went. 

What is the difference between resentment and hurt?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think if your husband forgets to pick you up at the airport, you would be hurt.

I think if you felt continually angry about the airport, or like you wouldn't trust him to pick you up at the airport ever again, or like you couldn't go to the airport because he'd offer to pick you up and you'd have to re-live it, or when he tells you that his friend picked him up at the airport and you cringe or make a flippant comment like "wow, people do that?"... that's resentment.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I think if your husband forgets to pick you up at the airport, you would be hurt.
> 
> I think if you felt continually angry about the airport, or like you wouldn't trust him to pick you up at the airport ever again, or like you couldn't go to the airport because he'd offer to pick you up and you'd have to re-live it, or when he tells you that his friend picked him up at the airport and you cringe or make a flippant comment like "wow, people do that?"... that's resentment.


That makes sense. thanks for the clear example. Although not trusting someone after they have let you down, isn't that natural until they show you they can be trusted again?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well I think you have a point - the person would need to rebuild the trust. If, in the example, your husband explained that his Blackberry died (or some other reasonable excuse) and he did enough to reasonably express remorse, yet you still held it against him, that's moving into resentment I think.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> That makes sense. thanks for the clear example. Although not trusting someone after they have let you down, isn't that natural until they show you they can be trusted again?


I think you have a good point here, though not giving them a chance to show you they can be trusted may be a by product of resentment.

Could resentment and holding a grudge be one in the same? Holding onto the hurt for a long period of time can turn it into resentment? My ex held grudges. She tried to use specific incidents from while we were dating as reasons she should get more spousal maintenance. An example...I am almost 41 now, but when I was 21 and we were dating, I got a parking ticket out in front of a strip club and didn't tell her. Yes, I was in the strip club. She found out when the ticket arrived in the mail.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Unless you are like me and it takes forever to let anything go. Lol

Yes this is a character flaw of mine.

I'm wise enough not to act on it but hurt feelings do come up STILL from things my husband did years ago.

I call them triggers to a wound not hurt or resentment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*HURT is temporary* .....slices you ...but you communicate your feelings to each other...work it out... it is overcome, and let go.. the issue resolved , forgiveness went forth or the intention of it anyway...

If you haven't resolved....not truly forgiven, this spills over into resentment.....

*RESENTMENT Is ONGOING.*.. like a slow growing cancer... a smoldering irritation you can't let go of...you feel wronged, misunderstood...you begin stuffing your anger or blowing like a stream roller / and NOT resolving the issues that affect the heart & your marital connection...it erodes everything slowly till you have lost that "loving feeling"....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IMO resentment comes from things you haven't gotten any closure or resolution for. A recurring problem could cause it.

Hurt is a one time occurrence.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *HURT is temporary* .....slices you ...but you communicate your feeling to each other...work it out... it is overcome, and let go.. the issue resolved , forgiveness went forth or the intention of it anyway...
> 
> If you haven't resolved....not truly forgiven, this spills over into resentment.....
> 
> *RESENTMENT Is ONGOING.*.. like a slow growing cancer... a smoldering irritation you can't let go of...you feel wronged, misunderstood...you begin stuffing your anger or blowing like a stream roller / and NOT resolving the issues that affect the heart & your marital connection...it erodes everything slowly till you have lost that "loving feeling"....


This is really good.

Triggers bring back past hurts but I can communicate them, he comforts me and then yes they are temporary.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I think you have a good point here, though not giving them a chance to show you they can be trusted may be a by product of resentment.
> 
> Could resentment and holding a grudge be one in the same? Holding onto the hurt for a long period of time can turn it into resentment? My ex held grudges. She tried to use specific incidents from while we were dating as reasons she should get more spousal maintenance. An example...I am almost 41 now, but when I was 21 and we were dating, I got a parking ticket out in front of a strip club and didn't tell her. Yes, I was in the strip club. She found out when the ticket arrived in the mail.


I think a grudge by definition is the same as resentment. "Spousal maintenance" ??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Unless you are like me and it takes forever to let anything go. Lol
> 
> Yes this is a character flaw of mine.
> 
> ...


I would say this describes me too. I'm a forgive but never forget type of person. I don't continue to take it out on the person, it just changes the way I see them until they can show me otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have a very long memory too. In my less mature days, I would keep a tally of wrongs and sometimes use that list to act out. I felt justification in that, but honestly it was just plain old tit for tat.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I feel comfortable saying I don't resent my husband. Thanks for all your useful thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> I feel comfortable saying I don't resent my husband. Thanks for all your useful thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you can't forgive and let it go and say well that's the past.... it has absolutely no bearing on today and I will never ever think of it again... then 

Drum roll... 

ITS RESENTMENT.

I know the RESENTMENT of my wife.... Mrs. Rolodex
I smashed that Rolodex now we are better.

*'Resentment is poison YOU drink hoping to kill your enemy'
*
Another word is GRUDGE... women hold GRUDGES longer than men.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> ...women hold GRUDGES longer than men.


Is that a fact?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> Is that a fact?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is look it up.

Here... 

http://bit.ly/18jcAOY


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Hmmm, nothing I could find said it was a fact. Some random people saying they believe it is true and some articles saying a woman is more likely to hold a grudge but nothing that says it is a fact. Perhaps you don't know what I meant by fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think not resolving (no closure) and definately if its a 'pattern" IOW say lying ...you can even get closure and have forgiven them and moved on but then if it keeps happening the "past" is revisited and there you will develop resentment.

I also agree triggers are different.You can forgive someone but "triggered" around key words or other events to relive the emotions of trauma I don't think of that as "resentment".That is more like intrusive thoughts from past trauma.It doesn't even have to involve necessarily "anger" which I think of when I think of resentment.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Well I thoroughly understand what resentment is now, I think...
What is it then that keeps us from finding feelings for our spouse after we have felt wronged or betrayed? I've seen some threads on here where a spouse has felt neglected or hurt and then when the significant other shows remorse, many posters say that sometimes it's too late. What makes it too late? Is this a form of resentment that does not allow us to find the love we once felt for the other?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Kermitty said:


> Well I thoroughly understand what resentment is now, I think...
> What is it then that keeps us from finding feelings for our spouse after we have felt wronged or betrayed? I've seen some threads on here where a spouse has felt neglected or hurt and then when the significant other shows remorse, many posters say that sometimes it's too late. What makes it too late? Is this a form of resentment that does not allow us to find the love we once felt for the other?


I think "too late" goes hand in hand with "for the wrong reasons".

Lots of threads on TAM with, say, a husband who for years tried to jumpstart the marriage unsuccessfully. He leaves due to neglect, takes the dual income lifestyle she's used to with it, and all of a sudden the remorse shows up. It's a little late now, the husband says. You don't love me, you love the paycheck.

Many similar examples for both genders, not trying to harp on that particular one.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> Well I thoroughly understand what resentment is now, I think...
> What is it then that keeps us from finding feelings for our spouse after we have felt wronged or betrayed? I've seen some threads on here where a spouse has felt neglected or hurt and then when the significant other shows remorse, many posters say that sometimes it's too late. What makes it too late? Is this a form of resentment that does not allow us to find the love we once felt for the other?


For me, it's simply lack of trust. After being hurt I don't trust you anymore, and won't allow myself to. I've seen what you're capable of and I want to protect myself from that. 

It depends what the offense was. Some things you can get past and it's just a nagging bad memory. They screwed up and that's that. But, there are things you can do to one another that just can't be lived with.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Statistically* women most certainly DO hold grudges more so than men... come on...don't you have any girlfriends?!.... Would anyone here argue that statistically men are MORE emotional over women...of course not!

That is not to generalize anyone...as each individual is unique and their own person....I am rather NOT like this at all.. but darn have I ever know the women who ARE....friends of mine calling me up about the other...while I've been in the middle of them -telling me how they can't forgive, can't let it go.... washing the other out of their lives..and me...there I was trying to get them back together...

I would have let it go, seems half crazy to me... IF the other person is willing to come your way...make 
recompense, work it out because they care, trying to make it up to you. I suppose the # of offenses could get old though. 

But hey...we're all different. My husband had a little resentment towards me -over sex, how easily he let that drop -well... I'm damn happy he is a man, that's all I can say!


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *Statistically* women most certainly DO hold grudges more so than men... come on...don't you have any girlfriends?!.... Would anyone here argue that statistically men are MORE emotional over women...of course not!


I guess I see a difference in saying women are more likely to hold grudges than man rather than women hold grudges more than men. I believe the latter to be true but not the former. 
I also don't see how this point was necessary in what was being discussed.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

So if you feel that the reasons for change are genuine, it seems that it does come down to trust. I suppose it takes time to build trust and that isn't something you can force.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> So if you feel that the reasons for change are genuine, it seems that it does come down to trust. I suppose *it takes time to build trust and that isn't something you can force*.


It sure isn't. You're essentially starting over.

With me, trust is given first but when violated I may not ever give it back wholly or at all. Everyone (I think) deserves to begin with a clean slate though.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> It sure isn't. You're essentially starting over.
> 
> With me, trust is given first but when violated I may not ever give it back wholly or at all. Everyone (I think) deserves to begin with a clean slate though.


This is where I get confused again. If you are not willing to trust wholly again, how is that different than holding a grudge? I'm the same way obviously as I'm having problems believing who I see now is not who I got before. I'm just not sure if my inability to trust him is self induced or is something that naturally will fall away with time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> This is where I get confused again. If you are not willing to trust wholly again, how is that different than holding a grudge? I'm the same way obviously as I'm having problems believing who I see now is not who I got before. I'm just not sure if my inability to trust him is self induced or is something that naturally will fall away with time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know. It's akin to me like touching a hot stove. Once you've been burnt, you proceed with caution from then on. You don't want to burn yourself again, right? 

You can stand some heat, but you know when to pull back too. It takes quite a bit of patience on your part... you sit there and see how consistent he is and after a time you let your guard down more. Sometimes they can do things to bring you right back to square ONE. Talk about frustrating. IMO a habitual line crosser isn't a person that I care to spend that much time rebuilding trust for. They just can't be consistent enough for long enough to do it. So then I am left making a decision. Either I accept that the particular problem I'm having and will continue to have from time to time is worth it... this person is worth it... or not. 

Like I said, there are things that can be done to each other that IMO one can't ever let go of enough. The relationship will forever be changed after it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I see it less as holding a grudge, and more than acknowledgement of a character flaw. I don't blame that person for not being compatible with me in the area I'm having a problem with, I internalize it. That problem I'm having is MY problem. If it's my problem then I have the responsibility to fix it if it can be fixed. Fixing it could mean accepting the difference and moving on, or not accepting it and leaving the relationship.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I don't know. It's akin to me like touching a hot stove. Once you've been burnt, you proceed with caution from then on. You don't want to burn yourself again, right?
> 
> You can stand some heat, but you know when to pull back too. It takes quite a bit of patience on your part... you sit there and see how consistent he is and after a time you let your guard down more. Sometimes they can do things to bring you right back to square ONE. Talk about frustrating. IMO a habitual line crosser isn't a person that I care to spend that much time rebuilding trust for. They just can't be consistent enough for long enough to do it. So then I am left making a decision. Either I accept that the particular problem I'm having and will continue to have from time to time is worth it... this person is worth it... or not.
> 
> Like I said, there are things that can be done to each other that IMO one can't ever let go of enough. The relationship will forever be changed after it.


All true and well said. Thanks. I think you made a good point in saying sometimes a relationship is forever changed. It may help me to think of this as a different relationship that i have to grow feelings for rather than trying to get the old relationship and those feelings back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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