# Trying to get through



## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

My STBX and I have had a rocky 6 year marriage. In 2011, we started to be very distant and she immediately approached the divorce word. I convinced her to try MC, which we did for 4-5 months, but she was hesitant and later said she didn't care for it.

The summer of 2012, she moved into another bedroom to be able to sleep better, in a month she asked for divorce again. After some long talks and a couple months of her waffling, she blamed it on her meds and we started trying again, without MC.

We got by, but there were times of frustration. This past Sept., she started a new at-home business. With spending more time at that and with her friends, we once again became isolated. Dec. was really hard to go through, we were nothing but roommates. The 23rd, I tried to make amends and offered to start doing more things together, she declined and said we should probably just get separated.

I told her I'd try MC again, but she refused. We started separating by not being around each other much and taking care of D4 separately 50/50. I talked to her about R, the best she could do was "let's file and see what happens, I want to keep my ring in case something changes".

Well, we file and two days later I find that she had been texting/calling an old school friend far away on occasion since t our issues in 2012 (she even purchased a disposable to do it), and it had escalated very recently. Doing more digging, she escalated each step, talking to him and flirting with him daily after we talked about divorce and even more once we filed.

She's moved out and I've been doing the 180 since I found out. I haven't exposed anything, he's single and all the advice I've been given is to get the best from the divorce and forget about the affair.

After all that, I still feel hurt and awful being left and betrayed. I know I made mistakes, even some big ones in our marriage and owned up to them to her (how stupid I must have looked telling her all that while she was in love with someone else) and I know I'm probably better off without her, but it's still a struggle to get through each day.

Thanks for reading, just getting this off my chest helps me be more confident that I'll survive and be better off.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

WYBadger said:


> My STBX and I have had a rocky 6 year marriage. In 2011, we started to be very distant and she immediately approached the divorce word. I convinced her to try MC, which we did for 4-5 months, but she was hesitant and later said she didn't care for it.
> 
> The summer of 2012, she moved into another bedroom to be able to sleep better, in a month she asked for divorce again. After some long talks and a couple months of her waffling, she blamed it on her meds and we started trying again, without MC.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry man. I'm not an expert like some of people on here, but I can say you're not alone. Has she moved out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yep, she's moved out. My head is telling me it's over and it's probably for the best, but my heart wants to avoid all the pain and hope that she changes her mind.

I know I can't change it for her, so I've done the 180 and only speak to her when I pick up/drop off the D4. It's tough to not want to check up on her.

It just sucks being the one who's left holding the bag, wanting to have worked it out.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

WYBadger said:


> Yep, she's moved out. My head is telling me it's over and it's probably for the best, but my heart wants to avoid all the pain and hope that she changes her mind.
> 
> I know I can't change it for her, so I've done the 180 and only speak to her when I pick up/drop off the D4. It's tough to not want to check up on her.
> 
> It just sucks being the one who's left holding the bag, wanting to have worked it out.


I have to be honest, I don't think I would want my W back if I had concrete evidence she was with someone else. I respect your commitment. It's going to be rough and that's without question. At least you don't have to see her every day. Do you have a support system?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I so much understand you and I have been and am still in your shoes. My ex lied to me and all our friends including the woman he started living with and is about to marry. I gave up my career (dumb), his woman got me arrested for no reason and he humiliated me to no end and yet I was willing to try and work it out. I sat across the room in court with someone who is a total stranger and I still cry for my son who will never know his father. All I can do is try to find something to hold on to to keep it together for him. It is no longer about me it is about his son. I promised him that I would force myself to move on. I do and some days are better than others. You will find your way. You are doing the best thing right now. Talking to people here who understand what you are feeling and going through. Even if you feel that there is NO one out there PM me and I will listen to you with no judgement. Honestly. I know better than anyone how loving someone so completely can destroy you and make you lose your identity. But it gets better it is just very slow.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Logically I can see that I shouldn't have any reason to stay, we've struggled for so long and the fact that she's lied to me for so long, I could never trust her again. She hasn't escalated to a full PA, but an EA and sexting are equally as damaging.

I think it's fear of the unknown and the broken dreams for my D4that keep any hope alive. I poured a lot into the relationship (although I freely admit I didn't do a great job all the time), it just hurts to have someone give up and treat you like a plan B.

I have several friends that I've confided in, and they do a good job of supporting me. But none of them have gone through the same thing, so they can't completely relate.

FOH, thanks for your support. It sounds like you've had a tougher time than me, I'm so sorry that there are people out there that can be so cruel.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

this link will help

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

no one is perfect in a M

owning your own emotions is the first step to a happier life

there is a good chance the D talk started right after

her and her high school friend was reacquainted

work on yourself, hit the gym, walk, run

recapture that hobby you let go when you married

be the best dad you can, are you going for 50 / 50?

if she blames you for everything and thinks she did no wrong

it brings me to ask..... from what she told you when you dated

what was her childhood like?


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.

I've been exercising and getting out of the house each night I don't have my D4, we have agreed upon 50/50. It barely makes the time pass, the days are tough to get through at work and every morning I wake up at 2 or 3 with terrible anxiety.

Her childhood was not good. Her mom cheated several times and her dad was an alcoholic. They divorced when she was quite young and her life was chaotic. She said she had blocked most of it out.

She was also quite sick when we first started dating, I wanted to be the white knight to save her. Doing some reading, I can see that I'm a classic NG (nice guy), and that I was/am equally as broken as she was to attract her and be attracted to her.

I know I need to work on myself before I can build a healthy relationship with anyone else.

Part of me just feels like she's won and getting everything she wanted, freedom from our marriage and someone else to give her all the emotional support she craves. She's said that she doesn't feel she's good enough for me, and wants me to have the best because I deserve it, yet that doesn't really make me feel any better.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Trust me....she has not "won"....she is running from a childhood

of misery. It is possible she would not know a stable M from 

a chaotic one. From her childhood she was not able to express 

how she felt. Daddy drinks, shows mom no affection, mom

cheats, dad gets mad, drinks more, mom cheats more

she learned it was best to flight than fight

your Ws problems can only be fixed by her

until she owns her emotions, trying to get her

back is futile. she can not love you WY because

she does not know how to love herself


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks for your thoughts, they definitely do help.

I think I'm also angry because she may finally finding some self esteem, starting a new job and losing weight, and now she just up and leaves.

At times she's said she no self worth, yet it was so hard to see because she would hide it. She was friends with more men then women, I think she craved the attention to make her feel good. She's completely gone past the marital boundaries, previous times she was dangerously close.

She's never had a stable job or held one very long, I think being in a stable environment makes her feel claustrophobic and confined.

The good news today is D4 asked to spend tonight with me because she couldn't get me off her mind.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

she didn't find self esteem....the new guy addiction hit

a new fling is like a drug, it brings her attention for which

she trades for sex....it's a cycle.

"Hurt people........hurt people" she is hurt

and expresses herself through...hurtful things

women who are unable to forge friendships with other women

feel threatened by them, an unethical h0rny man

gives her the desire she craves, although it will be

short lived. after the fire dies she will be depressed again

to break the cycle....another man....wash / rinse / repeat

she never adapted to a routine...it brought stability

to her...."home" is chaos


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Chuck, thanks so much, your thoughts really are helpful.

I guess for me, the bigger thing is to recognize that I can't control what she does or what she feels and concentrate on improving and healing myself instead of worrying about her. That's the path to being happy in my own life.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sounds like its a done deal.

I would save all the evidence you have offsite and in two places. Just in case.

Just steel yourself for the day you find out your weekend with d4 she is going to the airport to pick him up.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Ugh. I'd like to think that she'd at least wait until the Divorce is final, but who knows. If she's slimy enough to have the affair, she's slimy enough to keep it going and might as well hook up.

I just hope I can deaden any of the emotions I have before then.

I have the evidence backed up in a couple of places, I'm not sure why exactly. I've been thinking of dropping the bomb after the D papers are signed, I don't know if it's even worth it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude ive been here a long time. Seen this 100 times.

Prepare yourself.

Shields up!


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

My STBXH dropped the bomb on me that he wanted a divorce during the holidays. I was willing to do anything to make it work until I found out he was seeing someone he went to high school with. He even had the nerve to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (my birthday with her). He left his phone laying on the bed one day and I went through it. I never spoke a word to him about it but told his brother who told his mom. He came home in a rage after he found out that I knew and mentally tortured me as to force me out of the home although I was completely unprepared to leave. I left for a couple days and when I came home he had already packed all my things and decided what property I could take and had it stacked up out in the garage. I never said a word to him about the EA even after he told me he knew I knew. He said they were friends but I saved the texts. Any attempts I was willing to make at reconciliation where dropped after I found out about her especially after the way he forced me out of the home. He didn't want his cover to be blown with the OW.

He was willing to go through a responsible divorce with me until he felt threatened about me finding out about the OW. He told me all bets were off and I would be walking away from the marriage with nothing not even my dog. So in your case I don't know if it would be best if you revealed that you know or not especially if you aren't willing to reconcile. My life became much more difficult and painful after his cover was blown. I think his guilt was what made him act some what decent before he found out I knew.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WYBadger said:


> Ugh. I'd like to think that she'd at least wait until the Divorce is final, but who knows. If she's slimy enough to have the affair, she's slimy enough to keep it going and might as well hook up.
> 
> I just hope I can deaden any of the emotions I have before then.
> 
> I have the evidence backed up in a couple of places, I'm not sure why exactly. I've been thinking of dropping the bomb after the D papers are signed, I don't know if it's even worth it.


Get your ducks in a row and blow it out of the water with exposure.

Gather your evidence and find out as much as you can about him.

She doesn't respect you at all.

This is a step in that direction.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I know from a mutual friend that she's said she's dealing with a lot of guilt, and so far I've gotten everything I've asked for (the house, 50/50 with the D4). At this point, I think I'm going to hold off on exposing her until after the D is official. It may be better just to let her stew in her own guilt for a while. (Although she can't feel too guilty if she's still doing it)

For me, the bigger message to send to her is how much damage she's done to our D4. I had hoped we'd be able to divorce amicably and remain somewhat friends. Now, it'll be tough just to be a co-parent. I feel bad for her, knowing she'll never know her two parents loving one another.

ICLH, sorry to hear about what you've gone through, that's awful. She was pretty much doing the same thing, texting him all the time during the holidays.

R would be so tough, I don't know how people do it. With all the technology out there (disposables, google phone), I don't know how you'd ever not be suspicious.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Women that have more men friends than women friends almost always crave male attention and see other women as threats to said attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> I know from a mutual friend that she's said she's dealing with a lot of guilt, and so far I've gotten everything I've asked for (the house, 50/50 with the D4). At this point, I think I'm going to hold off on exposing her until after the D is official. It may be better just to let her stew in her own guilt for a while. (Although she can't feel too guilty if she's still doing it)
> 
> For me, the bigger message to send to her is how much damage she's done to our D4. I had hoped we'd be able to divorce amicably and remain somewhat friends. Now, it'll be tough just to be a co-parent. I feel bad for her, knowing she'll never know her two parents loving one another.
> 
> ...


exposing the affair kills the fantasy

it is highly suggested if the cheated on wants a R

if you don't, use as ammo

have you filed? how long till D in your state w/child?

get finances in order while she feels guilty


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

We have already filed. There is a 120 day waiting period, we are on day 26, so we have a ways to go.

Finances are already in order, at least I think so. We have completely separated financially and have signed temp. orders with the court as to how things are to be until the court date to finalize. I maintain the house and it's costs, she's moved out and pays her own bills, I intend to give her child support until it's final.

I'm beginning to believe that R would only solve the short term pain and suffering, long term there are so many differences between us it would be a long road. And that's without the complete lack of trust I now have for her. There's also no guarantee that blowing it up would change her mind as to R.

It's tough because my heart wants to avoid the pain, but the risk of just doing more damage is probably too great.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if you can't trust some one, you can never love them

not in a healthy way. are there any CCs in your name

only that she said she will pay? you probably see where 

I'm going with this. 

The key to moving forward is to be clear, healthy,

and love thy self. Majority of the time the cheating spouse 

opens doors to work things out / R. If you are still in the darkness

you can't make a concise choice. If you are through the

pain and moved on..... a clear choice can be made.

All roads do not lead straight home

they aren't intended to


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Chuck,

Thanks again for all the insight, it is helpful.

Yes, trust is the cornerstone for being able to be emotionally intimate with someone, I look back and see that she had been keeping in contact with this person who approached her for a year and a half and know that's one reason why we struggled.

I'll double check the temp. order, but I thought there was a clause that debt incurred after the temp. order was filed was to be assumed by the person initiating the debt. There is one card, which I have access to, and I check on a regular basis.

I don't think she would agree to the conditions of R that I would require. And to this point, she has not given the slightest hint that she's willing to change her mind. I believe part of her understands her issues and wants to let me be free.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

a CC company does not give two chits what a court says

they chase whoever's name is on the card

my X ran into that with her H#1 many years ago

D4.....how is the little trooper holding up?


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Valid point, I will look into blocking the credit card. The STBX has been cooperative with everything so far, probably another reason to not blow up the EA/PA.

As the 50/50 is fleshing itself out, she's becoming aware of what's happening and it's starting to get tough on her. Transition times have been awful the past week or so, she doesn't want to leave the parent she's been with. I've helped her call her mom when she asks at night, that seems to help her a little. It's heartbreaking to hear her see her this way. I got an "extra" night with her because she missed me so much, which made me feel good. We had fun.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

does D4s school have a child psychologist?

it breaks my damn heart seeing kids suffer

but no one intentionally plans this ahead of time


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

No, she doesn't. After the crying and sadness from the transitions, she does very well for the most part. I haven't really seen any other changes in behavior, other than she's regressed a little in her sleeping habits (she wants someone to stay with her until she falls asleep). So far, I've obliged, as she does need some time to adjust.

We have parent/teacher conferences next week, I'm anxious to hear if they have seen any changes, we notified her teacher when we sat the D4 down and told her what was happening, but haven't heard anything.

It's truly sucky that anyone would get out of a marriage with someone that's willing to work on it. And to jump into an affair at the same time just boggles the mind. But, the STBX grew up in a terrible situation and believes it's a better option to divorce rather than try to work it out.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Why does this have to be so hard? I know I need to just push through, work on myself and be done with this. Why can't I just let her go and move on?

I saw that she had something in her car that I wanted to keep when she stopped over to get D4 ready for school, so I sent her an e-mail politely asking her to give it back.

This was her response: You can have everything you want. You are a far better person than I will ever be, so just consider whatever you want or need you can have.... you desreve.

How do I respond to that? It's like she wants to pour her guts out, she's leaving the door open. Ugh.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

WYBadger said:


> Why does this have to be so hard? I know I need to just push through, work on myself and be done with this. Why can't I just let her go and move on?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sounds very much like my H, he keeps saying that he knows he'll never be happy and will always be searching but he finds peace in the fact that I'm a good person and will find happiness in the future - maybe it's their guilt talking? 

I'm struggling to move on too, I know it's what I NEED to do but certainly isn't what I WANT  very hard. Keep your chin up & keep taking baby steps forwards.

If you want to chat feel free to inbox.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

WYBadger said:


> Ugh. I'd like to think that she'd at least wait until the Divorce is final, but who knows. If she's slimy enough to have the affair, she's slimy enough to keep it going and might as well hook up.
> 
> I just hope I can deaden any of the emotions I have before then.
> 
> I have the evidence backed up in a couple of places, I'm not sure why exactly. I've been thinking of dropping the bomb after the D papers are signed, I don't know if it's even worth it.


For some people, "for better or worse" is just four words. They aren't better off for it in the long run even if it seems like they can move on quickly after a breakup or during a divorce.

You may see this character flaw surface in your stbxw's other relationships, maybe with your daughter.

Why would you want to deaden your emotions? Betrayal hurts. There's not really any getting around that.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yes, I'm quite confident she'll have problems in her future relationships as well. She's told some friends that she doesn't think she's cut out to be married, yet I know that she enjoys a man's attention for her self esteem. 

I worry what will happen and how it will affect our daughter. She's said her mother paraded men in front of her growing up, if she does that with our daughter, I'll be beside myself for the damage that does.

I guess I meant that I was hoping I'd be able to handle my emotions, rather than deaden them. Yes betrayal hurts. And you have to feel bad before you can feel good.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

pop told me as a teen, want to see how your lil sweet thang will be 

in twenty years...look at her mom. parading men in and out

may look exciting on the outside but it usually means something

scarred her as a child. your W is hollow inside


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yes, I'm afraid my STBX is broken inside. When we talked of her past, she seemed to despise it so much, I thought she'd do everything she could to avoid repeating the cycle. 

I know I can't help her, she has to help herself. All I can do it be the best dad I can to our daughter and be the stable parent for her.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Update: She just sent me an e-mail confessing everything that she's done. What do I do with that? I am so lost and confused now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

do nothing. full speed ahead with D

she is having trouble with her guilt

that is no longer your problem


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I wish I was that smart. We've exchanged some e-mails, but it won't change the ultimate outcome.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

stay focused, 50k feet, observe

avoid the snatch, it's a trap


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> Update: She just sent me an e-mail confessing everything that she's done. What do I do with that? I am so lost and confused now.


She admitted PA right?

Looking LONG term. Can you even deal with that?

Look into YOUR mind.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

WYBadger said:


> Update: She just sent me an e-mail confessing everything that she's done. What do I do with that?


Put it on Facebook


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

She didn't admit to a PA, just the EA and sexting. With the texting patterns I've seen, I don't think he ever came up here, but in the end I don't think it really matters. 

She minimized it, though, not giving details of when it started or when/how it stopped. I replied that I didn't believe her as to the extent or that she was actually going to stop. There was no offer of reconciliation, it was merely for her to get guilt off of her chest.

The tone was completely apologetic until I replied, then it became accusatory, shifting the conversation to me occasionally looking at p0rn. (She's previously stated she had no issue with it)

I'm not looking to blow anything up, I don't think there's an opportunity to reconcile, so it's best to stop the conversations and detach again.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

key is to not engage her, her apology is from her guilt

and it most likely is "trickle truth" 

no response to this is best response


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yes, it was definitely "trickle truth". I shouldn't have responded, but I challenged her on what she admitted and then all the pleasant things she said about me vanished and I was evil. 

From here on out, it's back to the 180 and only speaking about the child and the divorce process.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I think her whole confession was just a guilt dump. She vaguely said it had ended, later on I told her she should be with him and her response was that she shouldn't be engaged with anyone right now.

I didn't believe that, so I checked text records right before she showed up to drop off the D4. Sure enough, no change, they've texted all weekend long. It made doing the 180 pretty easy, I couldn't stand to look at her.

But now, I'll probably have to record anytime we're together, just in case she flips completely and tries to do some DV thing. I don't think she would, but I never thought she'd send pictures of her crotch to other guys either.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> I think her whole confession was just a guilt dump. She vaguely said it had ended, later on I told her she should be with him and her response was that she shouldn't be engaged with anyone right now.
> 
> I didn't believe that, so I checked text records right before she showed up to drop off the D4. Sure enough, no change, they've texted all weekend long. It made doing the 180 pretty easy, I couldn't stand to look at her.
> 
> But now, I'll probably have to record anytime we're together, just in case she flips completely and tries to do some DV thing. I don't think she would, but I never thought she'd send pictures of her crotch to other guys either.


my X sent a snatch pic to her EA friend back in '07

after seeing it......I realized why she liked sex with lights out

since then, I can't eat a grilled cheese sammy

also sent breast shot....how'd you know it was her you ask?

Her pack of Marlboro's were also in the pic :rofl:

only in the South


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Got another trickle truth e-mail this morning and the passive aggressive, I know we're over and you'll never forgive me, so I'll get the rest of my stuff and stop e-mailing you.

So I laid out all the evidence I have and told her, we should move forward with the divorce and see if anything changes. Funny, it's the exact same line she gave me a couple months ago.

I think the tables may have turned.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if it is over......why even respond?

when I decided it was over, I didn't care if she was

showing nude on a fvck site, it was over

focus on you, too much focus on her and emails


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WYBadger said:


> Got another trickle truth e-mail this morning and the passive aggressive, I know we're over and you'll never forgive me, so I'll get the rest of my stuff and stop e-mailing you.
> 
> So I laid out all the evidence I have and told her, we should move forward with the divorce and see if anything changes. Funny, it's the exact same line she gave me a couple months ago.
> 
> I think the tables may have turned.


Smiling here.

Stay the course.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WYBadger said:


> The tone was completely apologetic until I replied, then it became accusatory, shifting the conversation to me occasionally looking at p0rn. (She's previously stated she had no issue with it)


Classic blameshifting.

I feel so guilty UNTIL you start making victim noises


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Chuck, you are so right, I have to be hit with a big-a$$ 2X4. I've just gotta stop talking to her.

I responded honestly, telling her what evidence I have and saying we should both get some distance, get healthy and re-evaluate.

Her immediate response is completely defensive without any facts, just, "you're wrong".

I NEED to stop talking to her!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

she prefers deniability over accountability


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Does it ever stop? Why can't they come out and just throw it out there?

I just can't stand being lied to. I almost want to call her and discuss it that way so there isn't any chance to be avoidant, but I'm not. It doesn't matter anymore.

I don't think she wants the divorce, but she's painted herself into a corner without any way out.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

do you want the D?

facing the truth is something she does not wish to do

could you trust her again?

would you think she would do it again?

she contacts you wanting you to "save her"

you can't, she has to save herself first

"how can you love anyone else if she can't love herself"


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I honestly just want us to take some time apart, work on ourselves so that we're individually happy and then talk and see if we'd like to try again. I have no idea if it would work, no agenda. She would have to re-invent herself, I'm thinking this would take 9-12 months at least. I'd have to change as well.

Here's the e-mail, see what you think:

It was a long weekend and I thought a lot about things I wanted to say to you regarding your emails. Perhaps you just want to cut me off and never talk to me again, and I'm sure you would if not for D4.

Your statement about not believing me about the when the texing thing started is definitely your prerogative and you can think anything you want and I know you will. It started in mid December. If you don't believe me, look at the phone records. A 214 number. What happened was more of a comfort and supportive thing than anything else. I've not seen him in person or even talked with him on the phone. There have been a few straggling emails as of late and that is it. It isn't as colorful as you imagine and how could it even have been real? 
There have been many, many times that I have thought about trying between us again. I thought what if we went to counseling, wondering what we could do to even get to a point of where we feel like we were on the same page to try. Looking at it... it would be best for D4, but not if we didn't love or trust one another. And knowing you and how absolute you are about something like I've done, I know there is no hope. 
I care very much for you and want you to have the best life possible. So, I will keep the contact to the very minimum as you want. I won't write anymore and will try to get the remainder of my stuff out this week.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

My response: 

I know a lot more about you and POS than you realize. I know that he’s the one who contacted you in 2012 and that’s why you had the burner phone. I know you kept in touch with him by calling him occasionally. I know that you started texting in Oct. and Nov. and it escalated in Dec. and you sought out his comfort while we were going through things. I know it escalated into flirtation at the same time you were talking to me about working things out. I know you at least sent pictures of your breasts to him, I have no idea if you two have exchanged crotch shots or not, and right now I don’t know if I want to know. I know that you’ve texted him as recently as yesterday. While it may not have been real in the sense that you didn’t physically have sex, the emotions you two shared are just as real. Whether the affair is physical or emotional, they’re equally as painful. I never said anything because you asked for the divorce and I was not going to fight it, I can only control myself.

I know it’s because you needed validation and attention from a man, and I wasn’t giving it to you because we have always struggled to be able to communicate. I thought the exact same thing about counseling this weekend, but I don’t think our counseling was effective because it didn’t address the root cause of our issues. Both of us have issues with our self esteem. You look for external validation from others to boost your self esteem, I used our relationship as a means to boost my self esteem and I got to the point where I have become co-dependent. At this point, counseling would do no good because we are both broken people and we could only create a broken relationship. Right now I don’t think we can love each other because we don’t love ourselves.

We have not been emotionally intimate with one another for so long, I can’t honestly say when the last time was. We couldn’t be because we are both afraid to stand up for ourselves and we lied to ourselves and each other. I don’t deal in absolutes as much as you might think, I have many of the same thoughts and ideas you do. Right now, I don’t honestly know if I could get over what’s happened.

At this point, I’m not in a position to trust anyone, that includes you or me. There is nothing without trust, so I know I can’t move forward with anything right now. If we ever did end up having any type of relationship, so many things would have to change, I don’t know if you’d be willing to accept them. I’d need complete access to your phone and all of your computer passwords. For some time, it would be extremely tough on both of us, and I don’t know if that’s a healthy way to live, even for D4 sake.

I guess I can leave a couple of things open for discussion, but we definitely have to be apart for a while and I have to work on myself. You need to do the same, I can’t help you learn to love yourself or help you with your self esteem. I can only help mine. I guess the only thing I can suggest is that we move forward with the divorce and see if things change. Perhaps if we both get healthy, we could look at what we want from life and see if something would work. I don’t know what else to do. If you want to leave the stuff in the house that’s fine. If you want to keep the ring for now, that’s fine.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

WYBadger said:


> I honestly just want us to take some time apart, work on ourselves so that we're individually happy and then talk and see if we'd like to try again. I have no idea if it would work, no agenda. She would have to re-invent herself, I'm thinking this would take 9-12 months at least. I'd have to change as well.
> 
> Here's the e-mail, see what you think:
> 
> ...


Dribble. Ignore. Do yourself a favor and divorce her. She's still unsure if the OM is worth the risk, but she's definitely not into you anymore.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

never tell them what you do not know

only things you have solid proof on

let her spill the truth, if she ever does

same technique police use

so every time you and her have disagreement, she gets mad 

and seeks out male attention? you want that? didn't think so.

you are aware D4 immolates what mommy does

you want D4 to grow up and be like mommy???


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Your note is too wordy.

Women respond only to emotional communication. Draw the target as large as you have and she'll pick it apart.

Something along the lines of:

I'm not ok with misrepresentations where there should be truth:

I'm not ok with burner phones

I'm not ok with a claim of December when I have proof it started in earnest in October and November

I'm not ok with other men seeing pictures of your breasts

I'm also not ok with half-commitments - and being anyone's "Plan B"


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Send that - and quit explaining/fixing


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yeah, she sent another explanatory e-mail and I did make some errors after checking. She still had an EA from Dec. through Feb., which included sexts, so it's not like anything really changes.

I think we're still on a course of D, just now more is out in the open.

I feel better, now I start to focus on myself more and less about all this crap.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

talk less; do more

you and you only represent your well being


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who chimed in and offered advice and give a quick update.

It's been a couple of weeks since the STBX and I discussed our relationship, I've been doing the 180 since. I haven't been able to pull off the "happy" look yet, I still have a hard time looking her in the eye or being anything other than coldly civil.

I've had a few IC sessions, he's helped me a bit to see how unhealthy the relationship has been. It's so odd, once you get into a situation like that, it begins to feel almost normal. But, with his help, I'm beginning to see that there's no potential for a future in the relationship and how damaging it's been. He's helping me find more ways to actively move on.

I've been exercising and staying as busy as I can with friends and family. It's helped pass the time some, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit of emotional detachment. It would be easier on all of us if our emotions followed our intellect more easily.

Cheers.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

"Fake it till you make it" thats gotta be the hardest thing of the 180


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A wife who sends OM pictures of her body is very far gone. A teen aged girl who is in love might make this mistake but an adult woman should know that the photos could end up being sent to other people. Stupid.

Conrad and Chuck have it right. Keep your communication simple. Since the goal now is a good co-parenting relationship, concentrate on being pleasant but with firm boundaries. No more relationship discussion.

Whether she masturbated with OM on the burner phone is now neither here nor there. For you to consider R, she would have to open her soul to you and be honest. She has not done this. To much IC is needed. Move on.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yes, my counselor said the same thing about the photos. Who knows where they'll end up.

I've kept the communication very simple, being pleasant has been tough. I've haven't been rude, just short and cold. I'll try to work on showing a happier side. 

Turns out she only used the burned phone for a short time during 2012 (to talk with some HS ex-boyfriend), but it makes no difference. I have no idea what they did, the pictures that I saw were way more than enough for me to see. Some days the mind movies don't have much effect, some days they get the better of me.

I realize any R would be to relieve the short term pain, I don't see any long term potential. And yet I can't imagine anyone else. But I have faith that will change someday.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

how have you been?????


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks for checking in, I think I've been slowly progressing. 

I've started some IC, and it has helped. He's helped affirm that all the emotions I'm going through are normal and natural. We've also spent some time talking about the marriage history, and he's helping me to see more clearly that it wasn't healthy. We had him for MC as well, he's pretty surprised and baffled by her actions.

I've maintained NC as much as possible, we still have frequent contact due to D4, but that's all it's revolved around.

Otherwise I've been doing my best to keep exercising and get myself into a routine. I've had extra time with D4 lately, which also helps.

Our D will be final in mid-June, I'm hoping the healing picks up speed after that.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

have you ventured out into the dating scene yet?


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

No, I was planning on waiting a while for that. For me, I'd have a hard time dating while legally married. I have surfed a few dating sites just to see what's out there, it helped to think about moving on.

The counselor suggested waiting for 9 months - 1 year before getting out there again, we'll see. I think there's definitely things I can work on about myself, and it can only help to attract someone better.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> No, I was planning on waiting a while for that. For me, I'd have a hard time dating while legally married. I have surfed a few dating sites just to see what's out there, it helped to think about moving on.
> 
> The counselor suggested waiting for 9 months - 1 year before getting out there again, we'll see. I think there's definitely things I can work on about myself, and it can only help to attract someone better.


nothing wrong with going out and just enjoying yourself

doesn't have to lead to anything, except maybe friendship

I agree with your IC to go slow

I swore I would not date anyone seriously after D for a few years

then I met current g/f of bit over a year, by complete chance

I was lost and asked directions...where she worked

so much for me swearing not to date :rofl:

dating doesn't mean anything, you can date and not be involved


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Very true. I don't think I'm at that stage yet, but I do need to start putting myself out there more. Not necessarily for a relationship, jut for general human interaction. I'm an introvert by nature, so that's one thing I'd like to work on, improving my social skills.

I don't know if it was here or somewhere else that I read that miracles don't happen sitting at home.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

it's hard to hang out with old guy friends, being most are married 

and / or have kids. Bars aren't exactly the place I would recommend

someone to find a g/f but it is a place to meet other guys in your 

situation. I'm a sports editor so I could talk smack on sports with 

anyone. Been D so I could trade jabs about the X. A comrade or 

"running buddy" is simply a friend who is in same dilemma as you 

And there's no pressure on you, just hanging with the guys

I miss those days, we had a non-stop blast. But when it was time 

to settle down with a woman, I bid those times goodbye.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Badger a bit o poon will do AMAZING things for your ego and heart. Just dont do it with 50 different women. Do it a time or three then put it behind you.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet. I'm just getting past the triggers regarding sex in general. (up until recently, when thinking about it, I'd remember the pictures I found of her)

Maybe after the D is finalized.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just sayin. It turns a mental corner upward. The ego especially come roaring back.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yep, I hear ya and I definitely appreciate the advice and you guys checking in. I don't think I'm quite at that point yet.

I definitely turned into the nice guy during this relationship. Wish I had known about this place the first or second time she asked for divorce, those times really did a number on my self esteem. I've read NMMNG, I think I'll take some time to become more authentic and assertive.

After that, I'll sl*t it up. J/K


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Well, after a long absence, I'm back.

I had made some progress moving on, to the point I was ready to meet the attorney for the last round of paperwork, sell the ring and schedule a court date. I was incredibly sad, but was Ok. She balked at the last minute and said she thought should give it another chance. This was mid-June.

I was hesitant, but she seemed very sincere about everything, going to counseling, and saying/doing all the right things. After about 4 sessions of counseling we got to the topic of her sexting. I saw red flags in how she minimized it and said that it was really tough to confess, that she was too ashamed to talk about it.

She confessed to it being a one time thing, her just sending a few pictures and nothing back from him. And it all ended shortly after. I didn't believe it because I remembered the phone logs and knew he also sent pictures and was pretty sure he reciprocated. She swore he didn't, giving up her phone as I sign of trust.

After checking her phone, I found messages to a friend (who's also having an affair) that didn't make sense about the trip they took to Texas for work in early June, which is where he lives. I confronted and she trickled out a little more, telling me he sent pictures and they exchanged them several times, but she pulled the plug in May, before their trip. She swore up and down they never met, she told him no several times. She gave me her e-mail records yesterday and within 1/2 hour, I found a message she sent to her friend telling how wonderful it was to meet him. She now swears they didn't have sex and said she'd take a polygraph, but I don't see the point. 

At every turn, I offered counseling and tried to do the right thing.Two weeks prior to her trip, she told me how much she was struggling and I told her we could try counseling. Instead she continued her affair and escalated it to meeting him and how knows what. I'm very humiliated and emasculated at the moment, he happens to be a black guy and has a "magnum" penis according to the stuff I read. I could never get over it or look at her in the same way if we stayed together.

Our 5 year old was starting to get confused as we were spending more time together, now she has get confused again as we divorce.

Time to end it once and for all and find some peace and safety.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I hate how things turned out for you. You offered her many many

chances, more than I would have. The part which amazed me, she

sent her nude pics out but guys never sent her any.... c'mon...

seriously? You investigated and the conclusion was, either you were

a master sleuth or she was a pi$$ poor liar. She relished the 

attention she was receiving. She may not have initially meant for it

to extend to sex, but it did.

"Women trade sex for attention, men trade attention for sex"

When all these lies were told, she had to go over all of them daily to

make sure she remembered the who, what, when, where.

Not one time did she think, 'I have really f'ed up and I may lose my

family.' It's not she wanted to get caught, she thought she would 

never get caught. Oh... as for the magnum PS.... it is very common 

for females to have an unenjoyable experience when they meet a 

man several states away. They may not show, admit they too are M,

or even not be thrilled with how she looked (sending pics in size 12

dress but not the one more current where it is more a size 1X).

But to save face, they imagine what they wishes it were like, and to

receive more....... attention. It's not the guy, or even sex, it's all

about attention. You described your STBX just as this in your earlier 

post. She is chasing something that is not there. 

Take your child and begin a life together. There are women out 

there who only want attention from one man. You deserve happiness

grow, learn from your mistakes in the past, improve yourself

mentally and physically. It's a long road, I took it, as did other guys

who post here. You learn things here so you can carry them on

to others following in your footsteps.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Chuck,

Thanks so much for following my story and helping me.

There's just so much lying and manipulation, I think she's seriously broken inside and she needs a lot of IC. She has an awful childhood, but never dealt with it completely. Now that I know that her best friend is a serial cheater and her other close friend also had knowledge of her affair, she's in toxic company as well.

I think she finally realizes the extent of what she's done, but it's far too late to fix anything.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

This is a woman with severe daddy abandonment issues. Feeling down she turned to others, to receive that attention she craves. It really has little to do with you or what you did or didn't do. She is so into herself, that both you and the other men are really ancillary. Her self deprecating comments were cries for attention from you, you were suppose to pat her on the head and tell her she is a good girl. Moving forward, it would be nice if she got in individual counseling, but doubt she would do the necessary work.

This leaves only you and your daughter. I would remind stbx after the divorce not to repeat her mothers shortcomings and follow through as necessary. The current other man has no long term interest in her, which is why she wanted to keep you on the hook. She is just another notch on that gunslingers belt. Don't worry about dating right now, but if social interactions are a challenge to you, then you need to work on this, so you are ready when the time comes. You don't want to let a good women get away because you are not prepared. Best wishes to you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WY.... my story on TAM was written a good while ago

I now like to offer help to others, especially being near my degree

there are posts that you stay in touch with and

posts that you feel a connection with

your posts reminded me of my Xs childhood issues

so I posted on yours often

humans relate to familiarity


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The OM wrote to her about his junk?

Gross. Let him have her.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

her twat is now junk, let it go


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Even worse, she took a picture of a box of Magnum condoms and sent it to him. The part that hurts the worst is that she lied about these things, only to leave me to find them for myself. Seeing/reading it is a million times worse than having someone confess.

Her e-mail to her friend telling her about them meeting talked about making out and she told me she'd take a polygraph that they didn't have sex, so maybe they didn't go all the way. But I hardly doubt there was just kissing going on.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

when it comes to taking a poly....... it is beyond over dude


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi, 

Im going through the same thing... Did she try blaming you? Mine did. He had a messed up upbringing too. 

Only thing I can tell you, is move on. Don't isolate yourself. Don't allow her to suck your happiness away. What I found hurt my STBX the most, was when I ignored him. Started caring for myself again. Working out, dressing up, and simply smiling again. 

He wears me down. It isn't easy. I will not lie. But when I am having a bad day (like today) because of his torment, I shut off the phone, and ignore him. I let out whatever pent up feelings I have inside, and try really hard to get back to where I was. 

It has been almost 5 months since he left. And it is just hitting him that he lost me. But the saddest part is he still doesn't see what he did to push me over the edge. I was tiptoeing near it over his jealousy issues, but his cheating pushed me over. 

If you have decided to finally break free, do it without a chance in hell of getting back with her. FOr the sake of your daughter be the best man you can be. Show her what to expect in a man she can trust. Regardless of how crappy her mom is, one good parent is better than two lost ones. 

I wish for you to be happy and to find someone when your are healed and ready for them.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks everyone, I agree trust is gone and trying to build it back up would be next to impossible.

While she didn't blame me outright for what she did, she feels that she's being persecuted and everything is focused on her. There isn't much focus on the fact that she was desperately needing and dealing with things in our relationship that I was responsible for, as she puts it.

I'm sad for our daughter, but I do think I was able to focus on her more prior to our reconciliation attempt. And I think one stable parent is better than two that are constantly struggling.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

she's being persecuted for.... cheating, lying, deceit

and she wants you to welcome her back...........

the old you may have..... but he is long gone


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

She asked that I not tell one of our close mutual friends because she said she can't handle another person being critical, she'll crack. I complied, because at this point, it doesn't matter. To me, it's a sign that she's not truly remorseful.

I still hate doing this, for my daughter and because I do harbor some religious guilt. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage, and there were times I wasn't a good husband, but even with that, the trust is all gone. I don't want to have to be the marriage police, that's no way for either of us to live.

I'm glad for this site and for all the books I've read, I was able to be more assertive with my feelings and not let things go that made me uncomfortable, allowing me to get to the truth. A year ago, I may not have.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

WYBadger said:


> She asked that I not tell one of our close mutual friends because she said she can't handle another person being critical, she'll crack. I complied, because at this point, it doesn't matter. To me, it's a sign that she's not truly remorseful.
> 
> I still hate doing this, for my daughter and because I do harbor some religious guilt. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage, and there were times I wasn't a good husband, but even with that, the trust is all gone. I don't want to have to be the marriage police, that's no way for either of us to live.
> 
> I'm glad for this site and for all the books I've read, I was able to be more assertive with my feelings and not let things go that made me uncomfortable, allowing me to get to the truth. A year ago, I may not have.


I had the same problem. I stayed married because I thought I would burn in hell. I also felt guilty because I wasn't perfect. But I never stepped out on him and I stuck to my vows. The more I analyze what was my marriage the more I realize I was fighting an uphill battle. We just weren't right for one another. I was too responsible he was too selfish. 

I prayed a lot. And almost went nuts (literally) when I decided to finally cut him off for good. What got me through the guilt and the religious guilt was prayer. Lots of it. Read psalm23. That was powerful for me when he tormented me in the beginning of the break up. It helped me get by. And I didn't get it from anywhere other than prayer and just randomly opening up my bible. Turns out its a very famous verse... lol.. I didn't know that before. Like I said I prayed and opened the bible and there it was. 

And again NO ONE IS PERFECT!! NOT ONE PERSON, we all make mistakes but that doesn't give anyone the right to step out on their relationship. If someone is truly unhappy then just say something or leave, but do not step out. That's my 2 cents.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I don't feel as though I'm going to hell by divorcing her, and I know I have the biblical right to divorce because of her adultery. I also know that if the adulterer is remorseful, we should look to forgive and not necessarily use that right. But by continually lying to me and letting me find the evidence, I don't believe she's truly remorseful.

Prior to finding all this out this past weekend, she sex-bombed me, so now I have the lovely experience of getting tested for STDs.

I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow to go through the next round of paperwork. Hopefully I can file those and schedule a court date soon.

Thanks for the comments mishu.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

WY. Stop. Dude. You are fighting for a zombie marriage.

For your own sanity. Stop.

Mrs Badger 2.0 is out there somewhere when you are ready. And yes, believe it or not, there is a high likelihood you will love again.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

mishu143 said:


> I had the same problem. I stayed married because I thought I would burn in hell. I also felt guilty because I wasn't perfect. But I never stepped out on him and I stuck to my vows. The more I analyze what was my marriage the more I realize I was fighting an uphill battle. We just weren't right for one another. I was too responsible he was too selfish.
> 
> I prayed a lot. And almost went nuts (literally) when I decided to finally cut him off for good. What got me through the guilt and the religious guilt was prayer. Lots of it. Read psalm23. That was powerful for me when he tormented me in the beginning of the break up. It helped me get by. And I didn't get it from anywhere other than prayer and just randomly opening up my bible. Turns out its a very famous verse... lol.. I didn't know that before. Like I said I prayed and opened the bible and there it was.
> 
> And again NO ONE IS PERFECT!! NOT ONE PERSON, we all make mistakes but that doesn't give anyone the right to step out on their relationship. If someone is truly unhappy then just say something or leave, but do not step out. That's my 2 cents.


very good written post.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> Prior to finding all this out this past weekend, she sex-bombed me, so now I have the lovely experience of getting tested for STDs.QUOTE]
> 
> that is called vaginal bombing
> 
> ...


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Yep, I kinda knew what she was up to, we sat down and discussed how it wasn't going to affect the speed of the relationship or counseling. 

Little did I know that she'd have so little regard for me that she'd do stuff with him and less than a month later, do things with me. Ick.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

WYBadger said:


> Yep, I kinda knew what she was up to, we sat down and discussed how it wasn't going to affect the speed of the relationship or counseling.
> 
> Little did I know that she'd have so little regard for me that she'd do stuff with him and less than a month later, do things with me. Ick.


:iagree:

Yuck.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Well, one week out from the hearing and finalizing the D. Lots of emotions, but mainly just wanting to get it done with so I don't have to worry as much about the STBXW asking to change the settlement we agreed upon. I think reality might be starting to set in for her.

Still dealing with triggers from the 2nd D-day in July, but I'm trying to start focusing more on figuring out my mistakes in the marriage and what I can learn from them. D5 starts kindergarten in a couple weeks, so I'm getting her prepared for the big changes to come.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Drive by hello from WL.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WY..... you are heading in a very good path. I learned a lot from 

my D. I have leaned A LOT from TAM. Work on yourself...date....

do guy things.... no need in settling back down for awhile. Focus 

on child and kindergarten. They probably give homework now.

Everything you do with your X should be treated as a business

transaction. Treat her the same way you would me if you and I

open up a sporting goods store.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Well, I can move this thread over to the "Life after Divorce" area as of this morning. The final hearing took about 10 minutes, no surprises, delays or modifications.

Neither of us said a word to one another or offered more than a glance, it was like it was a different person up on the stand I was seeing. She cried through bits and pieces, I pretty much had no emotions.

Financially I'll be ok, I'll have the D5 50/50, keep the house and only lose 1/3 of my 401K. It'll take a long time to heal, but I hope to put the work into myself, develop better "picker" skills and maybe find someone better suited to me.

Thanks to all who read my thread and those that helped me through the really hard times.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> Well, I can move this thread over to the "Life after Divorce" area as of this morning. The final hearing took about 10 minutes, no surprises, delays or modifications.
> 
> Neither of us said a word to one another or offered more than a glance, it was like it was a different person up on the stand I was seeing. She cried through bits and pieces, I pretty much had no emotions.
> 
> ...


Hang in there, dude. There is definitely good things coming for you. There is life after divorce for sure.

HL


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> Neither of us said a word to one another or offered more than a glance, it was like it was a different person up on the stand I was seeing. She cried through bits and pieces, I pretty much had no emotions.


Your emotions left you during this debacle

they will return, it just takes time

in regards to your 1st DDay and your 2nd

how differently did you feel?


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm sure the loss of emotions was a way to cope with everything.

The 2nd Dday was much more devastating, although I think I'm recovering faster from it. To read her texts/e-mails and see the pictures gave me more insight as to what she was really like and not the false image she projected. I wanted to believe that she had worked on herself and really thought about what she had done, instead she just continued doing it and couldn't resist the temptation to meet him in person. Knowing that is much harder to deal with, but I'm kinda glad I went through it, as I gave it everything I had and found out what she was truly like.

The first Dday was like the loss of her innocence, the 2nd was further proof of who she really was deep down.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WYBadger said:


> I'm sure the loss of emotions was a way to cope with everything.
> 
> The 2nd Dday was much more devastating, although I think I'm recovering faster from it. To read her texts/e-mails and see the pictures gave me more insight as to what she was really like and not the false image she projected. I wanted to believe that she had worked on herself and really thought about what she had done, instead she just continued doing it and couldn't resist the temptation to meet him in person. Knowing that is much harder to deal with, but I'm kinda glad I went through it, as I gave it everything I had and found out what she was truly like.
> 
> The first Dday was like the loss of her innocence, the 2nd was further proof of who she really was deep down.


Don't ever regret trying again, the 2nd DDay gave you clarity

I can relate with my 1st / 2nd loves. If we did not try again,

maybe I would have always wondered. In hindsight, I wasted

several years trying for a second time with each. But as with you,

clarity was realized. In a way, she wanted you back and may

still but she also wants the mysterious and adventurous life.

No man with nads will put up with her. In her mind, bedhopping

is a drug. When it happens, everything is in the moment, the

lust, desire..disguised passion. The OP says he will call and

does the song n dance. Three days later she texts him repeatedly,

blows up his phone......becomes depressed. To fix this, she 

needs that high again. Different guy...same outcome


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm thankful I'll be able to look my daughter in the eye one day and tell her I gave everything I had to save our marriage and try to keep an intact home for her.

I'm sure the ex became addicted to the dopamine hits from all the texts, FB messages and e-mails. She's had several long distance relationships, all the flattery and effortless attention without the day-to-day work. 

What's sad is her health is up & down due to a chronic condition, so she's on SS disability and will soon lose that. She'll go from a SAHM with a decent life style to below the poverty line and possibly needing government assistance. She may have figured out her mistakes, but it was far too late.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sounds like she may need to be a "seller"

she will learn quick, that lifestyle is vastly different than the

teeny bop attention seeking she is used to


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

In time, I hope to not care what she needs to become or what she does become. All I can do is provide a stable, secure home for my daughter and hope to protect her from any poor decisions the ex may make. I'll be damned if I let my daughter inherit the cycle of dysfunction her mother is in.

Two more weeks of interactions, then D5 will be in school and care before/after school, so more separation and detachment can happen. I'm looking forward to it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Pick up and drop offs...how are these being done? Are you trying to

avoid her as much as you can? How do the two of you communicate

concerns about D5? Do you have a designated time you can call D5

on nights when she has her?


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

Previously, these were done at the each other's houses. We are currently exchanging her at a gas station in between. Once school starts, the direct exchanges should be rare. I don't speak to her or look at her, just with D5.

All communication is done via e-mail or text.

D5, other than texting the emoticons, doesn't like using the phone. If she really misses her mom, we'll send a silly or goofy text, usually right around bed time. Otherwise there isn't planned or scheduled contact on "off" days.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WY.......... have you enjoyed the single life so far?


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