# Any Hope for Reconcilliation?



## LilandNadsDad

Hello everyone, this is my first post and hope I can get some real advice.

I was married for 5 years and left the marriage with a 3 year old son behind in 1984 and paid my child support payments every month until he was 18.

A week after I left her, I was swept off my feet and fell madly in love with Cora. I know it was a rebound relationship but I honestly fell in love; we both did. The relationship was incredible for years and years. She was sexy, thin and an incredible stepmother to my son and was my true soul mate. She also left a two year marriage to a lazy unemployed husband.

We ran a business together during the day and I worked at a full time job every night, getting very little sleep. This went on for 10 years. Then in 1995, she became pregnant after we were trying for a long time. We immediately got rid of the business and I devoted myself to the family. Two years later, my second daughter was born.

We had an incredible life and I knew I was very lucky, the love, the understanding, the honesty, the healthy children.
We suffered a huge financial set back in 1998, right after my second daughter was born and ended up losing our life savings, house included, to a bad investment adviser at a major bank and launched a lawsuit. In 2000, we managed to buy another house with help from a loan from my family. The house is big and in the country causing me to commute 1 hr drive daily and giving me a ton of maintenance work.
I still had not divorced my first wife because of legal problems she caused.

Since financially we were struggling and the kids were young so she could not work, I drove beater cars to work and always made sure she had a decent car to drive. I did all the house maintenance, repairs, renovations etc, as well as all the car repairs and maintenance. I still did not buy her an engagement ring because we just could not afford it.

Falling behind financially, we went to the bank and increased the mortgage from 200k to 275k to help fund the lawsuit expense as well as giving us some breathing room. Cora, was a great mother and housewife and knew how to stretch a dollar as well as helping me with house repairs and so on.
Suddenly, in 2005, after she had put on considerable weight, she went on a fitness kick of daily cardio exercise and she started to look better. However, she became paranoid and often seemed more like a space cadet. She became very protective of the kids and treated them much younger than they were. I began to really worry about her mental health because of the things that were totally out of character for her and still, despite my pleading for help, she would not work. Back to the bank; mortgage up to $325K. Then in February 2009, I awoke because she kept getting in and out of bed at 3 am. She said she was just going to check on the kids. She went to the kid’s room and I saw her crying and stroking their hair saying, “I can’t believe we have two beautiful daughters”. They were 12 and 10 years old and hardly new members of the family. When I returned to bed, I found the kid’s birth certificates under her pillow. The next day, I took her to emergency and she told the doctor she was on prescription Dexamphetamine (speed), for the past 4 years to lose weight. It was the first time I had heard of it. The doctor told her the drugs were the cause of her paranoia and she needed to get off them right away. I thought our problems were over.
She continued on the drugs thanks to our drug plan at work but was hiding them. She had up to 6 repeats on her prescription and being long term customers at the pharmacy, got all the repeats filled (100 per bottle = 6 month supply) at a time. 

She became worse and worse and started to accuse me of trying to poison her by putting acid in her perfume, poison in her food and water and she believed there was some-one walking around the house wearing her clothes and a wig pretending to be her. It got so bad she would not shower with the domestic tap water but bought bottled water to wash with. She also believed I poisoned cigarettes and would only smoke from a sealed pack. The paranoia and change in taste were all side effects from the drugs.

In December of 2009 and still on the drugs, the kids and I asked her to get off the drugs for a few weeks to see if they were the cause of her paranoia; she flatly refused saying the drugs are not a problem.
I went to visit our family doctor to tell him how she was behaving and what we were going through and he advised she seemed fine when he saw her and would not prescribe any more meds.

We were at a birthday party on January 30, 2010 when she came outside to join me for a cigarette. She asked me for a smoke and I gave her the only pack I had which was opened, lit one and threw it the ground getting quickly upset. She went into the house and gathered up the kids and we left. In her car (I was driving) she opened her window all the way, played the stereo full blast, turned on the interior lights and shut the heat off (cold January night). The kids pleaded from the back seat to close the window and turn the radio down but she ignored them. We finally made it safely home after a 40 minute drive in those conditions. The kids were crying and frozen when we arrived home. I thought she would sleep it off and be better in the morning.

The next morning she seemed to pick up right where she left off and said she wanted to know who was tampering with everything, who was doing this to her and why these things were happening. I was frustrated and angry and had had enough. I took her container of the pills and shook them saying that this was the cause of her problem and no-one was trying to hurt her. She came up to me 3 different times making a motion of kneeing me in the groin, this from some-one who as never as much as pointed a finger at me in 25 years. On the third attempt, I felt her knee touch my groin, unclear if she hurt me or not, but I lost control and pinned her to the wall with my right hand holding her by the neck. She began to thrash at me and yelled call 911, all the time, the children watching the whole event. To avoid any blows to me from her thrashing I pinned her to the floor and told her I would let her go when she stopped resisting. Once I let her go, she grabbed the cordless phone and ran out the front door.

I grabbed the phone book and found the number for the local Mental Health Distress centre but could not find the phone. When I did find the phone near the front door, it was occupied by the 911 operator. Minutes later, the police and EMS arrived. The police interviewed all of us and I explained the drug use and then they placed her under arrest for assault. While she was in the cruiser, she told the police her food, drinks, lipstick etc all had been tampered with and she believed I was the cause. The arresting officer offered her some water from a sealed bottle the officer had in a cooler but she said it may poisoned as well “you never know”. Along with the arrest, she also had a peace bond placed on her to stay away from the house and from me until the court hearing 3 months later.
I pleaded with the officer not to arrest her but take her to a mental health or drug rehab clinic for assessment and treatment, the officer assuring me she would be looked after.

During the next 3 months, we were not allowed to speak to each other. I took the kids for counseling with myself as well. I did all I could to keep the house together; laundry, dishes, lunches and dinner, cleaning etc and make sure the kids were comfortable. I paid for a bed and breakfast for her to stay at and her lawyer. I believe during this time, she concreted in her mind that I was the cause of the whole thing and that I lied to police getting her arrested. She also carried on a sexual relationship with someone else.

She made a deal with the court to get off the drugs under the supervision of our doctor and the charges would be dropped. She was allowed to return home with my consent after they had assured me she had weaned off the drugs.

Once home, I tried hard to forget what happened and just let us be a family again. However, she was sour and bitter. She would not discuss the issue saying there was nothing to talk about. I attended counseling and was convinced that until she took responsibility for what happened, nothing would change. She was immensely stubborn and although she was not experiencing any side effects any more, would not admit the drugs were the cause. Through the counselor’s advice, I had to give her tough love in order for her to realize I was not the cause of her behavior and try to make things better. She refused any counseling altogether and would not attend marriage counseling. I tried to talk to her as much as I could bit to no avail. I tried to go jogging with her daily so I could share some of her interests. I took her out for dinners and dancing, nothing worked. The relationship became worse and worse and then she started to drink tequila, about a bottle every other week and hide the bottles.

In mid October of 2010, on our 26th anniversary, I bought her a 1.5 carat diamond ring and proposed marriage to her thinking that this was the one big issue that we were never married and I had not proposed. She answered with “I don’t know what to say.” All her actions and body language said no. In the end, I received the same answer;” I don’t know what to say.” A week later, she assaulted me again, my daughter called 911 and she was arrested again for assault and breach of a peace bond.

While in jail for 3 days, I had my lawyer send her a letter saying the relationship was being left open if she agreed to go for personal and marriage counseling. She refused and got herself a basement apartment. She had access to the kids anytime just by calling and arranging it with them but she only saw them a few times in the next 3 months. In March of 2011after only seeing the kids about 5 times, we went to court. She was given access on a regular basis (Mondays and Wednesdays weekly and every other weekend from Friday to Sunday) because she told the judge I was interfering with the existing access. Since she also told the judge I was an alcoholic, I had to go for testing; results were negative.

Since her second arrest, the children and I both attended counseling regularly. She on the other hand, did nothing. I ended up with custody of the kids. The kids now refuse to see her despite the access order until she gets counseling. My question is stupid; do you believe there is any hope in reconciliation and if so, how do I get her to go to counseling and try to reconcile? I believe her character has not changed and deep inside she is the same person I always knew but her personality has been affected by her drug use and bitterness. Sorry for the long story.


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## Chris Taylor

She hasn't hit rock bottom yet. When she does, you may have a chance but until that time it's best to watch out for yourself and kids.

BTW - The drug issue can be addressed. The bitterness may never leave. You have to be prepared for that.


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## LilandNadsDad

She is off the drugs and has been for one year but may suffer from thyroid damage.


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## Chris Taylor

The kids don't like her, you say she's off drugs but I'll tell you when we want to addicted people can hide just about anything and she is still bitter. If she won't go to counseling I think you have to pull the plug.

Draw a line in the sand now. If she values you and the kids she will go to counseling and try to work thing out. otherwise you and the kids are in for a long ride.


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## Freak On a Leash

Poor kids. Damn..

You want to be these kids dad? Keep them away from that women and leave her as well. She's totally sick. Those kids need you. Spend your time and energy raising them. They've been through Hell. She's gotta deal with this on her own. 

What a heartbreaking story..


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## LilandNadsDad

Thanks Freak,
The girls and I are getting along great. Of course we have issues because they are at that age; menstruation, boys, grade school/ high school transition. Their mother always treated much younger than they are and they resented it. She wiped my daughter's butt after a bowel movement up until she was 10 years old! 1 year later, my daughter had her first period. She refers to herself (and always has) as "mommy" and the girls tell her she is not their mom, she is their mother.
There is a lot of resentment towards her since she has become a liar, something she was never capable of. She has lied directly to the kids and now they feel betrayed as I do. The kids and I have done everything we could to help her and she chose her path. She has another boyfriend now and I am certain she does not love me. She refuses to go to counseling and the kids don't want to see her until she does. They have not visited her in about 4 weeks now and won't until she books counseling. Its not an issue of cost because its covered under one of my employee benefits. I believe she does not want to hear that she was wrong and still insists everything is my fault including the girls not seeing her.

I don't want to hear her say years down the road that she made a mistake and the family was broken up for nothing. I wanted to and still want to fix this now, but it looks like there is no hope.
I'm 53, lonely for an adult companion and don't want to start over again. My wife was my one true soul mate....was.
I should and could have been retired now but since I have an order to pay her spousal support (she pays no child support) I can't cut my income because it will look deliberate. Unfortunately, the court system protects her. She cannot be forced anything she doesn't want to do. Right now she would rather not go to counseling than see the kids.


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