# Is my frustration valid?



## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

My wife complains all the time about not getting enough sleep and mind going in different directions. I personally have had these problems. But going on walks and doing 5 minutes of meditation in the morning has held me a lot. 

My frustration is this. I keep telling her to atleast try to fix it. But all she comes up is with excuses. How can you whine about your problems and not even put in an effort to fix it? 

Can i do something to get this point across? Encourage her a different way?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

How old is your wife? Could she be starting perimenopause?

Valerian root helps to settle the mind, just one or two capsules, too much will do the opposite. 

She may have a mineral deficiency. There is a magnesium product called "Calm", you can get it in different flavors and with calcium, I love this stuff. Just make sure she starts out with a tiny bit and works her way up to what ever amount she feels is working for her. If she takes too much too fast, she will get really bad diarrhea. She will need to take this an hour before bed.

Melatonin also helps some people, try a smaller dose first.

No sugar or caffeine after noon.

If she is starting into perimenopause, some things may help for a while, but it is a difficult time in a womans life with hormones taking over and controlling every thing about her body and mind. It sucks to say the least.

And lastly, remember, what works for you won't necessarily work for her. Her symptoms may be stemming from something different than yours.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

JustHer said:


> How old is your wife? Could she be starting perimenopause?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



My wife is 26 years old. She didn't have any family structure and refuses to listen. I am just trying to figure out how can I get through her. 

If I told her no caffeine after noon she will just get mad and say I try to control her. Should I let her be? Not give her any advice?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

abe7333 said:


> My frustration is this. I keep telling her to atleast try to fix it. But all she comes up is with excuses. How can you whine about your problems and not even put in an effort to fix it?
> 
> Can i do something to get this point across? Encourage her a different way?


It's probably frustrating to both of you. If you're a fixer then yes it's frustrating because she won't try what you're suggesting. If she's just wanting you to listen and have empathy then it's frustrating to her as well. I'm a fixer by nature so I understand your frustration.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can lead a horse to water...

What works for you may not work for her, or may not be appealing to her to try. She'll try different things to deal with her sleep issues when she's fed up and wants to do something about it.

You don't need to "fix" her because she didn't ask for help. When she whines...again...just ignore it, or at most, give her a hug and tell her you're sorry she had a bad night again, and just move on to breakfast without a fuss.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Why don't you ask her what she wants? Does she want suggestions or help? If she does then suggest some of the things mentioned, if she doesn't then ask her to not complain to you about that issue any more.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

My response would be "quit your *****ing and do something about it."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If she's complaining about it but showing no inclination to do anything about it then her reason is 'other'. What else is this 'voluntary tiredness' helping her avoid,, or achieve?

She's complained, you've given fair feedback. No need for you to keep repeating yourself. 

This could be a slow route to a blame game. If you don't respond to the complaints, next come the "You don't care." accusations. Don't let her get away with that, if that's what it is.

You do care. You gave her advice. She's dismissed it and come up with no fix of her own. Ignore her on this subject. Say nothing more than reminding her that you've already said all you can about it.

See what transpires.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

This is like basic men and women dynamics. A woman vents and man thinks he needs to fix it. 

Next time she vents about this issue don't try to fix it just show some empathy and move on.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> It's probably frustrating to both of you. If you're a fixer then yes it's frustrating because she won't try what you're suggesting. If she's just wanting you to listen and have empathy then it's frustrating to her as well. I'm a fixer by nature so I understand your frustration.



Thanks god. I thought I was alone in it.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> You can lead a horse to water...
> 
> What works for you may not work for her, or may not be appealing to her to try. She'll try different things to deal with her sleep issues when she's fed up and wants to do something about it.
> 
> You don't need to "fix" her because she didn't ask for help. When she whines...again...just ignore it, or at most, give her a hug and tell her you're sorry she had a bad night again, and just move on to breakfast without a fuss.



Thank you for the advice. I will try this. Just listen and move on.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

JustHer said:


> Why don't you ask her what she wants? Does she want suggestions or help? If she does then suggest some of the things mentioned, if she doesn't then ask her to not complain to you about that issue any more.



If I do that. She starts with " You don't care". You think I don't do anything.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> This is like basic men and women dynamics. A woman vents and man thinks he needs to fix it.
> 
> Next time she vents about this issue don't try to fix it just show some empathy and move on.



Thank you.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

abe7333 said:


> If I do that. She starts with " You don't care". You think I don't do anything.


lol - How did I see that one coming?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> lol - How did I see that one coming?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Lol. Sometimes it's just helpful to hear that you are not alone.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ill listen to a complaint once or twice. then ill give some advice. then ill tell the person complaining to either shut up or do something that they know will fix it. 

i can have sympathy for something when they obviously cant help it. i have no sympathy for laziness or stubbornness, so if someones problems are caused by either, ill feel no sympathy and show none.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

abe7333 said:


> My wife complains all the time about *not getting enough sleep and mind going in different directions*. I personally have had these problems. But going on walks and doing 5 minutes of meditation in the morning has held me a lot.
> 
> My frustration is this. I keep telling her to atleast try to fix it. But all she comes up is with excuses. How can you whine about your problems and not even put in an effort to fix it?
> 
> Can i do something to get this point across? Encourage her a different way?


Why doesn't your wife get a lot of sleep?

does she have insomnia?

Does she snore?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I am a lifelong insomniac.

Like your wife, "over active thoughts" is my nemesis as well. What helped me was having a radio on very low and it helped focus on it rather than random thoughts. 

Maybe suggest to her you'd like a little light music (or in my case, sports radio- but I doubt she'd go for that one) to fall asleep to. Maybe help her without her realizing you're doing so.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

abe7333 said:


> My wife complains all the time about not getting enough sleep and mind going in different directions.


Have you tried f**king her brains out to the point she collapses due to physical exhaustion?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm 55 and never got more than 6 hours of sleep a day, lots of coffee thru the day. 

No problems sleeping.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> I'm 55 and never got more than 6 hours of sleep a day, lots of coffee thru the day.
> 
> No problems sleeping.


Every person is different.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

abe7333 said:


> My wife is 26 years old. She didn't have any family structure and refuses to listen. I am just trying to figure out how can I get through her.
> 
> If I told her no caffeine after noon she will just get mad and say I try to control her. Should I let her be? Not give her any advice?


I believe I'd start by honestly admitting that you can't possibly know whether she is refusing to listen or whether she is unable to listen. If you approach the matter with the belief that she is refusing to help herself, then she becomes the bad guy and is your enemy in this. If you approach it as a possible medical or psych issue, then the issue is the issue and you are her partner in finding a solution. People who are sleep deprived aren't in the greatest position to help themselves. If she's fatigued, going for a walk might seem impossible to her.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why doesn't your wife get a lot of sleep?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes she snores. I think it's a lot to do with not exercising and being in face book a lot. But any suggestions of going for a walk with her comes back as "Honey, I am tired". Of course you are. But I keep telling her, the more you exercise the more energy you will have. But that comes with," what do you think I never exercised? I used to be in track in high school. " and that was 10 years ago. I just don't know how to get through her.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

Methuselah said:


> Have you tried f**king her brains out to the point she collapses due to physical exhaustion?



Lol yes. The art actually works but after 10 hours at work I am very exhausted.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> I believe I'd start by honestly admitting that you can't possibly know whether she is refusing to listen or whether she is unable to listen. If you approach the matter with the belief that she is refusing to help herself, then she becomes the bad guy and is your enemy in this. If you approach it as a possible medical or psych issue, then the issue is the issue and you are her partner in finding a solution. People who are sleep deprived aren't in the greatest position to help themselves. If she's fatigued, going for a walk might seem impossible to her.



I what do you suggest? I have. The counter that I am controlling. It's affects my life as after work or on my day off I end up doing a lot of chored that could have easily done during the week.


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