# Considering cheating...



## aquietgirl (Oct 18, 2012)

I know no one is likely going to agree with me and the advice is likely to mark me the selfish villain. Perhaps I am a wicked, horrible person for even thinking about it for one single minute.

My boyfriend of 7 years and I have a very unsatisfying sexual relationship. He is on medication for his heart condition that one of the side-effects causes sexual issues. He has very little to no libido, when he can get it up it's rarely for long, and it is difficult for him to achieve orgasm. In spite of his dis-interest in sex he's "tried" on the rare occasion I bring up the subject of being unsatisfied to try and compensate for it. He'll try and manually masturbate me but the entire situation is clumsy and awkward and I'm left feeling horrible because the entire situation is so very clinical. He has no real interest in the act he's just trying his best. I eventually told him to stop because it's not what I really want anyway... I want him to want me, not to go through the motions out of some sort of social obligation.

I have not had a sexually satisfying experience with him in over a year now. What few orgasms I do have are through masturbation but that's not an act I particularly enjoy that often as I much prefer a mate.

I hate my libido, I hate that I crave sex so strongly because if you take away my sexual frustration I still very much love the man I'm with. He's sweet, funny and kind-hearted and a few other issues aside we're good friends and companions. 

A couple months ago though I met someone through an online chatroom. We became friends and though we originally had no ulterior motive or intention we have become very close. We've got a -lot- in common and hope to remain close friends. Our conversations became a little sexually charged a month ago or so as we started talking about sexual tastes and interests. We have a lot in common there as well though he's far more experienced than I am.

In three weeks he is going to be in my town for a week on business. He wants to meet me.... and though he intends for it to be a purely plutonic meeting we both have "talked" about the "what if" scenario should things spark and we want to do more. I can't help but be curious about him... but is this my libido talking or something more?

Cheating is not something I would do on a fling with some random stranger... but for the first time in my life I'm actually considering it. I'm worried both that going through with it and having sex with this other guy is both morally wrong and will only make me crave to do it again.... and the thought that if I don't this frustration is only going to grow and grow until I burst and hurt my bf with the aftermath.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Go ahead you are not married have fun. Plan to lose your BF


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, I won't tell you it is a good idea. 

I'll tell you to go out and have sex with whoever you want. Just be prepared for the following:
You will likely lose your boyfriend because he has no ties to you.
If you get pregnant, your boyfriend will 100% leave you, and don't expect the actual daddy to stick around for you
STD's happen. Be ready for it. 

And here are some questions:
How important is sex to you? 
I saw someone else post this, don't remember who, but it is a great question: Will the memory of having sex with some random person be an equal trade for the 7 year relationship you will be having? Literally, you will take your 7 years, hand that in for an hour of sex (if you're lucky) and will you be better off? 
Are you considering marriage? Because he won't be after this.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Those few hours with a new man WILL only make your crave more sex. You will end up more frustrated by getting a taste of what you can't have regularly. 
If it was just about sex it would be one thing, but lying and deceiving would be necessary to get a bit of sex, and lying and deceiving never feels good even if the sex does. 
If you can't live a non sexual life you should leave your bf, not cheat on him. It's only fair to both of you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Those few hours with a new man WILL only make your crave more sex.


This.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You're not that into your current BF. Be fair to everyone and end the relationship before moving onto the next guy, don't under estimate how important dignity is.


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## aquietgirl (Oct 18, 2012)

Thank you indiecat


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, if you are sexually frustrated and you don't think things will ever get better with your BF, then why don't you dump him and get on with your life? You're not married and you don't have any legal ties to the man unless you are in a situation where the two of you can be considered common law husband and wife. Things may be different then.

The idea that anyone has to consider cheating is absurd. Whether the relationship is merely as BF/GF or as a married couple, the right thing to do is to break up the current relationship before getting into bed with someone else. Otherwise, you are being a selfish POS.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I was going to say, why are you suffering?

If I was in a relationship and not getting sexually satisfied (assuming we are at that level) then I would tell that person. 
Then if they refused to meet me at some compromise, I would be looking for someone else. 

So why can't you?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Just break up with him and date others.

So what you love him......he is not your husband and he is not satisfying you sexually or apt to in the future.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Obviously she has a bunch of guilt. The current BF has medical issues (ages weren't mentioned). If she dumps a 'sick' BF, she looks bad.

However, you will not look any better as a cheater. So put on your (non-sexy) big girl panties and drop the current guy if you MUST be sexually satisfied.

I am guessing that there are many other factors in your relationship which are also unsatisfying and sex is only one.

BTW, from a moral standpoint, I would dump the current BF and NOT NOT NOT get in touch with the online guy. First, he knows you're taken. Second he isn't after platonic anything. Third, stepping to another man while you still have the stink of the first man on you is just sleazy. Fourth, this guy is NOT sticking around. 

You want a RELATIONSHIP. And you will only find that close by. Unless you want to (AND were offered) to go back home with online guy (and likely his wife and three kids which he neglected to tell you about), what do you actually get but a ONS with a guy who is leaving? Maybe you get a nice thunderous orgasm every three months? Is that worth it?

Evaluate your current relationship,think hard about sex toys and your current BF and figure out what you NEED (not want). Lying to yourself will not satisfy you.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Either you break up, or you give him a second chance and you both try to work through the things or you open up your relationship and you tell him that you will search sex elsewhere, then he can decide weather he likes it or not. But cheating is undermining your relationship and it is not fair.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your bf is not able to meet a major (and normal) need of yours. There is no shame in you having this need. And there is no shame in your bf having this medical conditiion. It just is an incompatibility which ccannot be fixed.

There is no happy long term outcome of you staying with bf and getting sex elsewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has your boyfriend discussed other options with his doctor? Perhaps his problem can be "fixed" by simply changing medications.

You mention your new friend has a lot more experience than you. That could be a red flag. Lack of sex could be skewing your judgement. Think before you leap.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

You're already having an emotional affair which is just as bad as cheating. Talking to another man that should only be reserved for your husband. Imagine if your husband talked to other women the way you talk to this man? How would you feel?

Put the shoe on the other foot. Talk with him. COMMUNICATE. 
Your husband can still use his hands and mouth on you. 

Cheaters always regret cheating. It eats you up inside. and lol sex never gets brought up in online conversations without a motive. Not accusing or anything, but I think you should just show your husband some respect. After all, he is your husband.

And why not talk to him about using toys on you? I heard the jackrabbit and hitachi are amazing.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Sometimes love just isn't enough.

You are capable of loving thousands or millions of men out there.

The boyfriend you're with is one of them. But there is no sex in this relationship.

You should break-up. Both of you will have broken hearts for a while. But you will both feel better later.

And the next time you pick a mate, you'll be wise enough to select a man that is a good guy and a good lover.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I was in your shoes, I simply wouldn't go behind his back, give him enough *respect* to be honest about what you need & crave for your own happiness.....sure it is going to hurt him , he'll be crushed but I bet he sees it coming too .....but blatent LYING , going behind his back...Oh this is so much worse....when caught, this is betrayal at it's finest and it slices like a knife...it will leave scars on him, he'll never trust another woman or her word. Understanding a woman NEEDS "desirous" sex is easier to handle than a woman who betrays & goes behind one's back. 

I surely understand your NEED, if I was you, I'd also want fulfilled...and badly.... I just wouldn't go about it the way you are planning. It's important to look at ourselves in the mirror every day, at least you are not married to him, this should help a little. 

Nothing good comes from Hiding who we are & attempting to live a Double life. I agree with another poster, that online man is just interested in a quick screw... I bet he too is living a double life - right before his wife & children he conveniently didn't tell you about. ....I'd bet on it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First of all, as others have said you're ALREADY in an affair

Second and more importantly, has he spoken to his Dr about the effect of the meds on his sex drive and performance? Often times there are either different meds patients can be put on or given (viagra) for sexual improvements.

Also, doesn't he have a tongue???

I would like to also echo someone else's comment that you seem quick to leave. What if the shoe was on the other foot? Wouldn't you want him to try and help you through this type of problem? Don't kid yourself, this is a HUGE ego crusher for him! Then again, you're not married to him so be sure to break it off with him before your affair partner comes to town


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Get yourself a vibrator or leave him. There is NEVER an excuse for what you are doing. Ecspecially since you are not married. If you cannot stay faithful, then don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. By the way....you are cheating right now...it called an EA.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aquietgirl said:


> I know no one is likely going to agree with me and the advice is likely to mark me the selfish villain.


Well at least you knew that going into posting this.



aquietgirl said:


> A couple months ago though I met someone through an online chatroom. We became friends and though we originally had no ulterior motive or intention we have become very close. We've got a -lot- in common and hope to remain close *friends.* *Our conversations became a little sexually charged a month ago or so as we started talking about sexual tastes and interests*.


It can't "platonic" or "friends" if you have already talked about sex with eachother and it's escalated to that. You're NOT JUST FRIENDS. 



aquietgirl said:


> *Cheating is not something I would do *on a fling with some random stranger...


But you are cheating. You have been cheating for months now. "With some random stranger."

If your boyfriend were cheating on you like this and planning to meet up with this supposed "close friend" who he talks about having sex with, how would you feel?

Answer that honestly.

*HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? *

*WOULD IT BE CHEATING if your boyfriend were doing what you are doing? *

There is the answer to whether it's wrong or not. But you already know.

Check it: if you're unhappy with your sex life/relationship, talk to you boyfriend, don't go behind his back and be shady. If he makes an effort--great. If he doesn't, you can either choose to stay or bail from the relationship.

But going about it as you are does not RESOLVE the problem in your relationship. It does nothing but disrespect your boyfriend, your relationship and yourself.

I hope you don't catch an STD.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

It seems like the only reason you're still in the relationship is because your boyfriend is a nice guy and you don't want to hurt him.

If you want to spare his feelings, break-up with him today.

You weren't put on this earth to be a life companion to a boyfriend that can't have sex with you.

It's not enough for you, obviously.

Break-up quickly. I don't think you need to kick him when he's down and talk about the internet affair. Just break-up with him and move out. You haven't been happy for a long time, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Be cautious with this new guy. Don't meet him unless you have broken up. Otherwise you'll look like you were kicking tires searching for a replacement while you were stringing along your current guy in case the new guy is not as good as you hope.

This could get messy unless you pull off the band-aid right off, asap.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Relic said:


> Be cautious with this new guy. Don't meet him unless you have broken up. Otherwise you'll look like you were kicking tires searching for a replacement while you were stringing along your current guy in case the new guy is not as good as you hope.


It's too late for that. She's been cheating with him for 3 months now.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Agreed. But since no one knows about it, the cross to bear is hers alone. She should keep this hurtful information to herself and live with it.

Just break-up with the guy saying you haven't been happy for a long time. You have been thinking about it for a while. If he presses the issue, you can mention the sex life being unsatisfactory.

If you break-up with him later, he will not only have a broken heart, he will also have to deal with knowing that he was sexually inadequate and cheated on.

He's going to be hurt no matter what. If you break up quickly he can be spared his dignity.

He has done nothing wrong.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Youre not married to this man. End your relatoinship and find one that meets your sexual and emotional needs. No brainer... Why would you pursue adultery when you are not even married. This makes zero sense. Why crush you boyfriend so badly? It's cruel. Breaking up with him is a part of life. Cheating is unncessarily cruel.


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