# Pls advice: Partner Cheating on and on with apologies (kid involved)



## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

summary (kindly ignore typos)

We met, about 3 years ago. She was someone i know to party alot but we werent close. One day we got talking and she sound like a nice person, I was single and found out she was at that time too, she made me realize all she wanted was a reliable guy to settle down with, I wanted thesame and fell for that.

few weeks after, strange calls, deleting texts etc.. She apologized and said they are guys who have been asking her out for dates. Promised to do something about that.

Months passed, lied several times about being home while out partying, with friends or co workers that i dont know. Always apologizing and crying when truth reveals. Even when i had issues with police and didnt know if i would be freed thesame day or not, while chating all day to keep her up to date on whats going on, the issue was sorted out and i was freed, got home to find out she was out drinking with a colleague as told. She rushed home after i called to tell her am in the house and ask about her whereabouts.

Text messages and phone history always missing from her phone.

All blames and excuse was that though you are a good guy, i have been hurt too many times and its very hard for me to trust, thats why i misbehave.


A year later, planned a surprise engagement with her friends at a venue, got there and one of her friend placed the invitation call for her to come over. Phone was on speaker, she was at thesame venue with another man, she had lied to me that she would be going home earlier after work to get somethings done. Found out she has been going out with the guy for sometime, and she denied a sexual relationship. We broke up

Weeks later she contacted me and said shes pregnant, it was all confirmed, I accepted as i am strongly against abortion. 

Thinking it would be a turning point for her characters. That same day i had told her to come over to my place after work so we can talk about all that, I was waiting at home and friends saw her at the bar drinking with a guy. I sent her a text that i couldnt blv such..she got to my house not so long thereafter, crying, begging, apologizing.

Somehow after all the stress, fights we got engaged and she moved in with me.

3 months later, found messages she forgot to delete on her phone and went in the history, she has been in touch with the same guy she was with the night she told me about being pregnant. She had told him i ran away from responsibilities and she has been under stress. They have been planning to meet again. We had lot of uneasy moments and relationship. Apologies and promises to change.

She drank and smoke against my wish all through she was pregnant whenever am not home.( I had also quit drinking since she got pregnant as a agreement and decision to encourage her to abstain from alcohol as well).

At 8 months. She went to her parents at another city to give birth. Returned 3 months after child birth. Found messages on her phone while placing a call, the only one i went through shows she is still in touch with ex. The last guy she claimed to be dating before me. Confronted her later and she denied, i asked for her phone to show her the evidence. Phone had gone missing and never found till date.

Quarells, arguements, rudeness etc..On and off..

5 months after birth, i travelled for a week to visit my parents. She had been out on dates with 2 different guys who i know to be amongst the guys that usually call her phone when we just met. I changed my flight to an earlier date but never told her, was chating her at the airport after arrival and she said she was home and going to sleep soon (around 11pm), we bid each other goodnight. I got home, and there she was no where to be found. I waited 2 hours then called her phone, now 
she saw i was calling with my local number and back. She got home about 30mins later. Shaking and crying, explaining that she was at a girlfriends house party..

A months later, she started complaining of tiredness and needing her parents help tot ake care of the child, she decided to relocate back to her parent for a year. In less than 3 weeks, she has been going out with an ex. Partying and late night. Things became intense and families got involved, I was ready to give up and move on with life. Pressure was getting so much to give her a last chance but it has been so difficult for me.... Its 2 months now and things are still intense, we only communicate and talk about the baby, she still keeps apologizing and all. She claimed not to be lacking anything or have any reason for her act but just want forgiveness and promise to change.

Then again, it was found out that she has been going out on date with another guy. Now she said it was because she is depressed and her friend introduced her to him to go out with...

All ive said is a summary of about a quarter of these issues.

Ive not included physical attacks on me, that i have to cook 80percent of the time to feed myself after work and some more..

There is no love in my heart anymore, But now that there is a child involved, the situation gets very complicated for me to handle, I worry everyday about the child and feel sadness that i never plan for all these to happen in her life. She has been apologizing eversince again, still asking for that one last chance that is now a constant. I have forgiven her that i have nothing or any bad wishes for her. But i just cant get it out of my mind, that feeling of self consciousness, maybe im not doing something right in the relationship, maybe i was too weak and loving, maybe i could ever trust any woman again..I am just at a crossroad somehow needing strong advice from more experienced people..


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

she's a serial cheater. Who's kid is it ? If not yours, cut her loose and find someone else. If it is yours, than you have a decision to make but you will be Plan B for the rest of your life with this woman


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> she's a serial cheater. Who's kid is it ? If not yours, cut her loose and find someone else. If it is yours, than you have a decision to make but you will be Plan B for the rest of your life with this woman


Yes kid is mine.. I wish there is no kid involved. Its sad that my wishes and view of having a family with good grooming of kids is gone astray.


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

Someone advised to accept her back for the sake of the kid and to get the kid closer to me, but never to be faithful with her till i find someone else suitable for me to move on with in life and then ditch her. Could this really work


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you have the child dna tested? From what you've written, several men could be the father.

What state/ country do you live in?

Are you sending her money?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Jaycee12 said:


> Someone advised to accept her back for the sake of the kid and to get the kid closer to me, but never to be faithful with her till i find someone else suitable for me to move on with in life and then ditch her. Could this really work


DNA the kid. No one knows who the father is. In any case, dump her.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

In my honest opinion I'd
1. Get absolute proof that the child is mine - first and for mostly done by a professional organisation.

2. I'd get out of this situation as soon as possible. Making sure that all legal aspects to the child if it is yours are clearly defined and signed off by a legal representative

3. Keep comments, plans , investigation and everything else to yourself. There may be more to this than meets the eye

4. Satisfy yourself now that even if she swore on a church filled with bibles she will play away again and at that time your going to be in deeper because of children and more stressfully

Its not good to read your story even in a summarised state. When someone is playing away and your looking to tie in long term relationship plans then ask yourself if the occurrences you described happened to a close family member of to a close friend would you expect them to stick with the cheat or seek an out now.......?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you in the US? In any case, she's going to keep on cheating on you. You'll need to prove paternity, since you're not married. And then you should talk to a lawyer about your options. 

C


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Jaycee12 said:


> Someone advised to accept her back for the sake of the kid and to get the kid closer to me, but never to be faithful with her till i find someone else suitable for me to move on with in life and then ditch her. Could this really work


This is highly inadvisable as the child would be in an environment of resentment and anger, among other things. You at this point prepare to cut ties with her and accept that you will have a connection with this women via the child for life. However it seems that her unstable lifestyle will damage the child's upbringing so what this child needs is to see you in a positive light at all times so an emotional anchor can be established as well as a sense of calm and loving environment. I have seen these type of women before and in time the whole responsible parenting thing will get in the way of her lifestyle of choice and you may just find that you will have custody, whether primary or sole/full. In time she even may just fade away to near obscurity. 

For now, get started on making your life a better one, without the tramp.


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Did you have the child dna tested? From what you've written, several men could be the father.
> 
> What state/ country do you live in?
> 
> Are you sending her money?


 Child has been DNA tested, 

Yes i send her money monthtly until last month, I sent her half of what i usually send and told her that i would be responsible for only our childs upkeep since she got a job a month after she got there as well


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> This is highly inadvisable as the child would be in an environment of resentment and anger, among other things. You at this point prepare to cut ties with her and accept that you will have a connection with this women via the child for life. However it seems that her unstable lifestyle will damage the child's upbringing so what this child needs is to see you in a positive light at all times so an emotional anchor can be established as well as a sense of calm and loving environment. I have seen these type of women before and in time the whole responsible parenting thing will get in the way of her lifestyle of choice and you may just find that you will have custody, whether primary or sole/full. In time she even may just fade away to near obscurity.
> 
> For now, get started on making your life a better one, without the tramp.


 Thanks.. one of my fear is that she may start to maltreat the child or cast anger on the child in bitterness that i didnt accept her back. 

I agree that at a certain point in time, a child will be able to see which of the parent is living responsibly and where they want to be. I am also keeping references of all her chats, pictures and screenshots of everything possible as evidence all these years


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Jaycee12 said:


> Thanks.. one of my fear is that she may start to maltreat the child or cast anger on the child in bitterness that i didnt accept her back.
> 
> I agree that at a certain point in time, a child will be able to see which of the parent is living responsibly and where they want to be. I am also keeping references of all her chats, pictures and screenshots of everything possible as evidence all these years


 That is a good place to start. Unfortunately you cannot do much to prevent her form possible maltreatment or abuse as the law won't recognize "Probabilities" until they unfold, it sucks but it is the law and fair to be honest. You can however make sure you do what you can to prepare a reaction as needed in case this does happen. Planning, it will carry you far if done right. Some people make the mistake of getting public officials involved on a whim or feeling based on possible behavior, do not do this, because if she proves your claims to be invalid you will look like a liar and they will not help you when you really need it. Employ patience.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Get custody of your child. That's not the kind of environment any child needs. Make a safe stable home.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

Maan have some respect for yourself you deserve better than this


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Wow.

Try for custody and have nothing else to do with her. Only give her the required child support and make sure there is record of it (ie: don't ever give her cash...she'll claim later you never gave it to her).

Amazing that you would have unprotected sex with her KNOWING she was cheating on you. You say you have DNA tested the kid...I hope that you honestly did...now get an STD test, ASAP.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You just need to come to grips that you made the biggest mistake of your life by ignoring all her cheating, getting her pregnant, and having the insane notion of marrying her. She's a serial cheater, she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you, and that will never change.

Don't compound your mistake by staying with her a minute longer. See an attorney and work out a child support/custody agreement asap.

Get into IC to find out why you allowed yourself to be so denigrated. You need to find your self respect again before you pursue another relationship; or this will likely happen to you again.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK you have been getting good advice here so far.

Heres what you have to do:


Come to terms with the fact that she is not faithful and never will be. She is not honest or respectful and never will be.

She is unstable and a threat to your child's well being. You have to plan with the precision of Operation Desert Storm what your next steps are.

You need to gather as much evidence of her bad behaviour as possible and secure it. This should include excessive drinking and partying. Any drugs she might be using. Bringing strange men home when the kid is there. Any violence towards anybody - particularly your kid. Basically and evidence that would show her to be a very unfit mother. 

Consult an attorney and get to know your rights - then find out how the best way to get full custody of your kids is. It might involve restraining orders (in the beginning) to protect your kid and you will need to go real bada$$ on her. You will have to carry a VAR on you at all times.

Separate your finances and get a division of assets if necessary (I don't think you are married so this may not be necessary - ask your attorney).
OP, any hesitation on your part in doing this will cost your child. Do not hesitate - do it and do it now.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK you have been getting good advice here so far.
> 
> Heres what you have to do:
> 
> ...


Do this:iagree:NOW! Any delay casts light that you condone her actions towards your child. Yes, your child. You have one now, so you cannot be selfish like the mother is.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Jaycee12 said:


> Child has been DNA tested


Did you send the DNA kit off yourself or did she just show you a report? Reports can be faked.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Graywolf2 said:


> Did you send the DNA kit off yourself or did she just show you a report? Reports can be faked.


THIS! She has proven herself to be a accomplished liar who will lie about ANYTHING.
You keep mentioning her having sex with her "ex", but it appears that YOU have been the ex, all along. If the child has been fathered by you, You may have been serving as a sperm donor and now as a financial windfall.

ANY decision you make should first see to it that you have dumped her ass.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jaycee12 said:


> Child has been DNA tested,
> 
> Yes i send her money monthtly until last month, I sent her half of what i usually send and told her that i would be responsible for only our childs upkeep since she got a job a month after she got there as well


Get your own sample from the child and get it tested independently. Why would you need to do this? Well, here is why:
Nurse Charmaine Wilson used friend's toddler to dupe man to believe he fathered child | Daily Mail Online


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jaycee12 said:


> Someone advised to accept her back for the sake of the kid and to get the kid closer to me, but never to be faithful with her till i find someone else suitable for me to move on with in life and then ditch her. Could this really work


Perhaps the better route is to file for D. Petition for sole custody of your child. Once done find the person you deserve.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Jaycee12 said:


> Someone advised to accept her back for the sake of the kid and to get the kid closer to me, but never to be faithful with her till i find someone else suitable for me to move on with in life and then ditch her. Could this really work


It is risky and if she ever finds out that you were unfaithful, she will more than likely use it to make herself look like the victim and you the villain - she may even inform others of your cheating in order to win them over to her side. Cheaters are notorious for doing this so be aware of it.

Aside from divorce, you may want to consider offering her a non monogamous separation where you will look after the child and she can have liberal visitation rights. This may set her mind at ease, and allow her to indulge in her all time favorite sport of screwing around with other men. But more importantly, it may help you to formulate a divorce plan of action that will be acceptable to you and help to establish you as the primary caregiver of the child and significantly improve your chances of obtaining primary physical custody when a divorce is in process. Consider this as something akin to relationship jiu-jitsu.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Jaycee12 said:


> Yes kid is mine.. I wish there is no kid involved. Its sad that my wishes and view of having a family with good grooming of kids is gone astray.


I applaud your strength and I pray that you are able to shield your child against any bad influences his Mom's behavior may bring upon him/her


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Life is to short for all her drama.

Tell her you will take care of the baby and let her party.

have her sign over her rights and she can be free to party with everybody but you.

She is very selfish and not considering the baby.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

I belive it is too late, 

You should leave her and start a brand new life and become the man your chind derserve.

IMO there is no way you could fix your relation, or even fix her.

For her you are like a Pablovs dog, she knows that she can do anythig and if got caugth, cry a little, begge a little and you will take her back. There is no way you could break this pattern.

Ask her to leave, she will begg and cry knowing you wioll take her back, so this time wont.

Make a time table and all teh arragements to take good care of your child and let her go.

She will begg alot, cry alot to weak you so dont. 

I got an idea, if she beggs and cry, I am sure she will, as her to take a poly and you will quetion everything, and if you fiond something she didnt tell your you are out... You knows how this will end, rigth?

Be strong and start living well, for your kid and for you.


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

Your advice has really helped me and gave me courage, i appreciate everyone.

So far, we communicate through emails or chat through her moms phone, she lost her phone 2 weeks ago. 

Our conversations has been mostly about the well being of the child, and every-time, she always chip in sentences like '' I wouldnt want my child to grow up without both parents living happily etc', i always ignore or simply reply with no one else wishes for that..shes always trying to sound pitiful. I told her i did forgive her already but i need time to work on myself, my weaknesses and all (she understood the weakness means being a too nice guy ). Most of the conversations always end with upset and rudeness by her, then she comes again to say shes sorry for flaring up, that she does that because she has apologized several times and promised to be a changed person but i am still making things uneasy for her. 

In recent days, she kept asking where do we stand, 

Yesterday this was our chat... 

7:13pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: This is Mo
7:20pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Hii 
7:20pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Hws ur weekend
7:21pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Its ok
7:21pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Hws kim n every1
7:21pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: good
7:22pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Just got back frm the gym
7:22pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Nice
7:22pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: They are fine
7:22pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: How is urs
7:22pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Good too
7:22pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Ok
7:29pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: So where do we stand? Are we together, separated, are we trying to make things work.... i would like to know where we stand. U never answered
7:34pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Hmm
7:34pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Whats that stopping u from doing or not doing.. 
7:37pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: U do not want to give me answers
7:39pm, 13 Dec - Admin: wat does d answer av to do with who or what ur actions will be
7:40pm, 13 Dec - Admin: U make it sound lik ur at a crossroad and my answrs are stoppin u from goin on wit som other things
7:42pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Stop trying to play smart with me or take me round and round. I have apologised to u over and over
7:43pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Then why do u want my words to decide ur actions or direct ur actions
7:43pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: I have changed and tried to show u that i have.
7:44pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: When it comes to you its always a mind game. When i ask u where we stand u avoid this questions
7:45pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: U always manage to come up with something...
Mo, u did this u have done that....u always bring past
7:46pm, 13 Dec - Admin: how does a yes or no affect u...well, pasts are repetitive in this situation
7:48pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: I would sleep better, i would know where my life is heading. I would know if i have a partner or not.
7:48pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Seems u r confused on where to head or somting.. i am not going to answer d
that question. Coz it is biased to me.. I would never want my word to determine ur action or what i get from you.
7:49pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Like i wont tell u i want u to love me den see u loving me. Naaah... things i av understood...av to be natural and mutual
7:49pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Kim is almost 1year, she needs a sibling,
7:50pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Im nt getin any younger
7:51pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Only things that rings in my mind is family, love and commitment.
7:51pm, 13 Dec - Admin: If u think its worth to be wit me or be wit som1 else.. it shouldnt be asked for... u should b able to decide urself where is best for u.. ur not a kid
7:51pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: And a career
7:52pm, 13 Dec - Admin: I dont see myself havin anther kid wihtout being married
7:52pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: I dont get u sometimes
7:52pm, 13 Dec - Admin: ... to gt married.. i av to b over a hundred percent sure what am gettin into and be comfortable n feel like a man
7:53pm, 13 Dec - Admin: And that ...bcs of my past experiences.. will b a tough task for anyone to cross.. also need time for a test of strenght
7:54pm, 13 Dec - Admin: So basically..it has to b like a reltnship of a year or two befor i can feel secure enough or decide

7:55pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Im asking where u stand and u are talking where we stand and u are here talking abt decisions and things u think i would do or try to do
7:56pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Who said u are a child . I have a mind of my own too.
7:56pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Mo i av no answer to whr we stand
7:56pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: I just need to understand wherr we stand.
7:56pm, 13 Dec - Admin: I cant say..i dont know..anyone who u ask and who gives u an answer is lieing to u
7:57pm, 13 Dec - Admin: People fight to stand whr dey want to be or where they see themselvs standing
7:58pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Thank u for saying u do not know where we stand. Atleast i now understand the intensity of the situation.
8:07pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: U dont have to play this mind games of nt answering questions or taking questions back and forth. Wit no answers.
8:09pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: We are both grown ups. Im a big girl and i believe u are a grown man. There seems to be more to this more than i understand myself.
8:11pm, 13 Dec - Admin: I didnt lie...and wat i said is d truth
8:12pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: U can be guaranteed this is the last time i will raise this question or ask u such kind of things. I feel that im trying to appear too needy or desperate to you and it was never my intention.
8:13pm, 13 Dec - Admin: One person action dosnt av to be dependent on the othrs action or words
8:14pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Fine by me.. You dont have to ask again
8:17pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Do not feel the need to explain or clarify anything to me u are not obliged to.
8:17pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Goodbye
8:17pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Am not here to argue
8:18pm, 13 Dec - Admin: And i wont appreciate rudeness 
8:19pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Im giving tracy her phone back. Goodbye
8:20pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Ok bye..rgds to every1
8:21pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Regards to whom.
8:22pm, 13 Dec - Admin: Regards to everyone at home
8:23pm, 13 Dec - Tracy: Oh
8:25pm, 13 Dec - Admin: &#55357;&#56842;

Usually most of our chats go this way.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

Oh dear. With every ounce of empathy in me I can't imagine your thought process before embarking in this 'relation'. It's just not real. By the way, for your 'partner' check out borderline syndrome disorder.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump her.

And HOLY SH*T, man... no more kids w/ this harpy!


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

I thought the initial post was a wind up as its that ......well surreal for some one to go through that with out walking

get a solicitor and see where you stand with your child and keep all communication to only talking about child


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Jaycee12 said:


> i need time to work on myself, my weaknesses and all (she understood the weakness means being a too nice guy ).


You must got "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover 

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

It's a great book for improve himself, be more selfrespected. I advice you seriously to read it.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

See a lawyer find out your rights and make an exit plan.

When it comes to lying cheating *****s, from what you have described the mother of your child is on top of the list.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

With all the lies she's told you, and with all the times she's out with other guys, you shouldn't have even gotten to this point. She should have been put on the curb a long time ago and my advice is tell her that the only things you need to discuss with her is your kid, nothing more and keep it that way. The woman is trouble with a capitol T.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Please, I strongly urge you to read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...prepare-potential-divorce-custody-battle.html and protect yourself!


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