# can wife initiate too much?



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Dh and I have been married over 20 years, together almost 30. We have a strong , loving marriage. The past few months have been challenging due to job changes, milestones, etc. 

I've had niggling suspicions he might have a coworker hitting on him, but no solid proof. 

As a result I've upped my game. I've been trying to dress a bit more stylishly/risque(appropriate) and dh has noticed. 
I've been working out and it's paid off.
I've also tried to think outside the box (purchased lingerie- never did before) and have added oral into the mix (hadn't in a while) a few times a week(me being the giver).

I'd say our sex life is good ( 2-3 times a week on average) for the past 6 months. 

Having said that , I initiate or let him know I'm in the mood 70% of the time. When I do, he's very responsive.

I've been wondering if initiating is a bad thing, or a sign he's participating because I want to rather than him pursuing me. 

He has told me (at least once a week) he just wants to go to bed.

I don't know if I'm one of the lucky "mature " ones, but I'd be game pretty much nightly (but only with dh)


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Your husband is an afortunate man.
And he probably deserves, as you do, what he haves in your loving relationship.
Enjoy mutual love.

Best best wishes.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

In my opinion she can’t.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

snowbum said:


> I've been wondering if initiating is a bad thing, or a sign he's participating because I want to rather than him pursuing me.


My wife initiating is 100% welcome and never rejected.

I say keep at it!


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

No, it is scientifically proven that a wife can't initiate too much.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If I'm too slow to take a hint, Mrs C just pulls my pants off.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing but you should be doing it because you are satisfying yourself and your husband, not to compete with another woman.

I'm not trying to stoke your suspicions but do you have more details that might indicate your husband has a wandering eye or do you believe this coworker is just trying to hit on your hubby and he isn't interested?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I have been married over 20 years, together almost 30. We have a strong , loving marriage. The past few months have been challenging due to job changes, milestones, etc.
> 
> I've had niggling suspicions he might have a coworker hitting on him, but no solid proof.
> 
> ...


Just letting him know that you're open means you're doing good.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you are eating a meal, does he glance at your drink out of the corner of his eye?...

When you take a sip, does he have a sly grin on his face?

Just wondering...




_King Brian-_


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I don't have any evidence. When I said people hit on him I was present and it was 20 years ago.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> When you are eating a meal, does he glance at your drink out of the corner of his eye?...
> 
> When you take a sip, does he have a sly grin on his face?
> 
> ...


 What do you mean by that?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What does that mean? Like he's trying to poison me? Not following you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

snowbum said:


> What does that mean? Like he's trying to poison me? Not following you.


No!

Not poison, passion juice!

You are doing all this initiating, thus, he must behind this...

I am joking!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Ahhhh..... gotcha!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What is his job? He might be worn out and actually need the sleep.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> What is his job? He might be worn out and actually need the sleep.


But it is only 3x week. I tell my wife Ill get plenty of rest when im dead. 

Check his T levels. Wife if very forward and always ready. Usually nightly to 5x week if one of us is down, she has ear ache tonight. But she has jumped me when passing a kidney stone i **** you not! We get to sleep usually around 11:30 to midnight and im up at 4:45. If im awake when action starts, im not too tired or i can take a 30 min power nap while she is in shower and am GTG.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ABHale said:


> What is his job? He might be worn out and actually need the sleep.


"...it is scientifically proven that" you sleep better after. 😀


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I don't have any evidence. When I said people hit on him I was present and it was 20 years ago.


No evidence???? 
You are hitting on him now! 
As it should be!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Does he arrange not to be home when you return from work?
Does he come to bed after you are asleep?
Does he actively avoid conversation with you?
Has he replaced personal interaction with escapism / pornography?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It sounds like OP has had a long run with insecurities.
It sounds like she has a good man.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Answers: 
My husband is home before I am.
We go to bed at the same time. Sometimes he reads for a few minute before falling asleep.
He doesn't avoid conversation, we talk and laugh. Same sense of humor.
And no escapism (science articles if you call that, not caught watching porn or texting)

I do have a good guy and want to keep it that way. I appreciate him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's almost impossible, nay it's impossible for a W to initiate too much.

Regarding frequencies, four times on weekends are typical for us, and at least 3 nights during the week with a couple before work morning encounters. I'm 59yo, M 38 years. 

So working with work schedules to try to find the best times is a key item but you're doing great!!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> No, it is scientifically proven that a wife can't initiate too much.


I am in no way questioning the veracity of this statement, I just think it's really cute. 😊 😂 In a good way. It's SCIENCE! It made me giggle. I pictured a deadpan delivery, very serious, of this very serious scientific fact. I hope this is coming across the way I mean it, because I really think this is adorable and sweet.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It looks like low drive. Without depression. I was looking for resentment or evasion. Low drive is not always medical, but worth looking into.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

He's fortunate you're this interested. He has physical limits like anyone else. 
You're probably hitting those boundaries by now. When that happens, give him a day or two. 

Of course you're doing the right thing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> But it is only 3x week. I tell my wife Ill get plenty of rest when im dead.
> 
> Check his T levels. Wife if very forward and always ready. Usually nightly to 5x week if one of us is down, she has ear ache tonight. But she has jumped me when passing a kidney stone i **** you not! We get to sleep usually around 11:30 to midnight and im up at 4:45. If im awake when action starts, im not too tired or i can take a 30 min power nap while she is in shower and am GTG.


I did not initiate due to her ear ache....she did. Said it will help her feel better and forget about it for a while. A lot more initiati g goes on when you both sleep in the buff. Both sleep better also.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

snowbum said:


> I've been wondering if initiating is a bad thing


Never. Your H is a blessed man. Many (most?) women are RD and therefore initiate next-to-never. It truly sucks as a guy not to feel sexually desired but that’s just the way it is.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> .....We have a strong , loving marriage. The past few months have been challenging due to job changes, milestones, etc.
> 
> ......As a result I've upped my game. I've been trying to dress a bit more stylishly/risque(appropriate) and dh has noticed.
> I've been working out and it's paid off.
> ...


I have two pieces of advice for you. 

First, ask him if your initiating is too much and if there is a way he would like to signal you that he wants to initiate. It can even be on a planned basis, such as you agree to a sex date on say Friday night and he has to initiate and set the whole thing up. The point is find out from him if you are initiating too much or if he would like to initiate more.

In some cultures, women wear their best jewelry when they want their husbands to make love to them. The point is that there are many ways to initiate and some are more nuanced and less obvious than others. Talk to you spouse as to if they have any ways they would like to initiate or that they would like you to initiate.

Who knows, maybe he might have some sexual fantasy you could use as a way of initiating.

Good luck.

P.S. I forgot the second point. Don't overthink things, especially a fear about your husband and a co-worker. At some point (not in the bedroom) tell him that you became afraid, but that you trust and love him. It might be a good opportunity to discuss boundaries in your marriage that you may have not explicitly discussed in the past, but just assumed.

Again, good luck.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> In some cultures, women wear their best jewelry when they want their husbands to make love to them. The point is that there are many ways to initiate and some are more nuanced and less obvious than others. Talk to you spouse as to if they have any ways they would like to initiate or that they would like you to initiate.


This is great. We use an agreed-on signal - my wife leaves me an 'ask me' green light in the kitchen in the morning, so I know 100% I'm gettin lucky if I initiate that day. It works really well, and it's green a lot. It's a nuanced initiation on her part with little expectation, so rejection, when it does happen occasionally, is not hurtful for her at all.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

To answer your question.....no


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You’ll lower your desirability if you start begging.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I have been married over 20 years, together almost 30. We have a strong , loving marriage. The past few months have been challenging due to job changes, milestones, etc.
> 
> I've had niggling suspicions he might have a coworker hitting on him, but no solid proof.
> 
> ...


_Can _a wife, or husband for that matter, initiate too much? Yes, but exactly what is too much will be a matter of opinion. Are _you _initiating too much? Given what you have written, I would say no. The very fact that he is responsive most of the time tells me that it is most likely not too much. And it seems that when he is not in the mood, even if only as a response to your initiating it, he tells you outright and you respect it.

Now here is the real question, and I am reading between the lines here (and could be wrong). Do you feel like _he _should be initiating more? I know that I get tired of being the one initiating the majority of the time. Are you wanting him to initiate more, or are you just worried that you are pushing too much?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Deemed offensive and deleted.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> ...but this is very true.


Not in this Galaxy


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is why I’m afraid to initiate. I’m not advising the OP to stop, certainly, but this is very true.


It can be true, but is not necessarily true. A lot will depend on how, when, and to whom you are begging. Obviously if the other is one who can't stand it, you won't get far. Even if the other enjoys being begged, they might not like it in a whiney tone.

I would also not call what the OP is doing as begging. Initiating is far from begging. Maybe if she was constantly trying when he tells her no, it _might _be, but not by her current description.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is why I’m afraid to initiate. I’m not advising the OP to stop, certainly, but this is very true.


I wouldn't worry about this too much. If your husband responds positively the majority of the time you initiate you aren't doing it too often and you certainly aren't begging. You have to go WAY overboard on initiating for this to be an issue.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I am in no way questioning the veracity of this statement, I just think it's really cute. 😊 😂 In a good way. It's SCIENCE! It made me giggle. I pictured a deadpan delivery, very serious, of this very serious scientific fact. I hope this is coming across the way I mean it, because I really think this is adorable and sweet.


I think it is pretty much fact.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Initiate too much? My wife has initiated once in the past 21 years. It was a Friday night in March 2015. I think this coming March, I'll have flowers delivered with a note asking "wanna scratch that 7-year itch?" See if she understands. She won't.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I have been married over 20 years, together almost 30. We have a strong , loving marriage. The past few months have been challenging due to job changes, milestones, etc.
> 
> I've had niggling suspicions he might have a coworker hitting on him, but no solid proof.
> 
> ...


I can promise you there are a ton of men that would love for their wives to be the same as you. Trust me he is the lucky one here.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Rooster2015 said:


> I can promise you there are a ton of men that would love for their wives to be the same as you. Trust me he is the lucky one here.


He is blessed


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snowbum said:


> I don't have any evidence. When I said people hit on him I was present and it was 20 years ago.


20 years ago????? Don't you mean that you think it's happening now?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

rugswept said:


> He's fortunate you're this interested. He has physical limits like anyone else.
> You're probably hitting those boundaries by now. When that happens, give him a day or two.
> 
> Of course you're doing the right thing.


if you want to keep it up, beyond his physical ability to perform, there ARE ways..
text him nude pictures of you during the day (assuming he has a job where that will not get him fired). Send him sexy videos during the day. 

even at home, you can have him sit and watch you as you pleasure yourself for him.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

snowbum said:


> What does that mean? Like he's trying to poison me? Not following you.


*LOL!*

(Sun is very poetic, he likes to paint a romantic scene.)

But it does show you how communication can get convoluted. Maybe just ask your husband directly?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He was blatantly hit on 20 years ago. As in offered sex with me standing a foot away.

I think a coworker may have showed interest. No proposition that I know of our have proof of.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> He was blatantly hit on 20 years ago. As in offered sex with me standing a foot away.
> 
> I think a coworker may have showed interest. No proposition that I know of our have proof of.


What makes you think that a coworker has started hitting on him recently? I think it is always a great idea to work on improving yourself and showing your attraction to your husband, but are you really worried about him cheating?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm not "really " worried. I think my anxiety and knowledge that I'm anxious has put thoughts in my head. I shared my reasons: coworker being more involved in activities, not looking at me when we met, etc

I've talked to the counselor and my husband about them. He tells me I don't have to worry about that, because it's not happening. He's also active in his faith and I know him to be honest in what he does. But as I said, anxiety is not a fun thing to deal with.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I'm not "really " worried. I think my anxiety and knowledge that I'm anxious has put thoughts in my head. I shared my reasons: coworker being more involved in activities, not looking at me when we met, etc
> 
> I've talked to the counselor and my husband about them. He tells me I don't have to worry about that, because it's not happening. He's also active in his faith and I know him to be honest in what he does. But as I said, anxiety is not a fun thing to deal with.


Hang in there and get the professional help you need. I think you are lucky to have family and a husband that are there for you. Keep doing your part and all will be good.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Thank you. I do appreciate what I have. We are honestly great friends. So many times I'll say "I was thinking xyz " and his answer was "I was just going to say that" or "you read my mind". So we are intune with each other, it's my "what if" mind that needs to shut the f up.


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