# Long Distance Separation



## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Need some advice from everyone out there. It's a long story but will try to keep it short.

Was with my wife for 7 years. We have a 13 year old son together. (Hers biologically).

One day we got in to a bad verbal fight and she asked me to move out of the house in 30 days as she wanted time and space to figure things out. In order to have this space she insisted I move out of state back to family where we planned on moving to eventually anyways. Her plan was to move with her son to be where I am now as we worked on our relationship through separation. She wants to wait until he is done with school this year.

It's been a difficult time with a lot of ups and downs and with her acting hot and cold most days.

Recently she had a get together at our house with coworkers and everyone was drinking. She called me days after saying our son was upset about something if I could call him and find out what's going on. Turns out he was upset "a guy had his hands all over mom." I called a mutual friend that attended and he broke the news to me that she had been all over a guy at the get together and they disappeared multiple times in to our bedroom. One of her girlfriends there showed my friend texts from my wife saying she wanted to have sex with the same guy that night and she had also hooked up with another guy the previous week.

When I confronted my (ex) she apologized, said she hadn't slept with anyone. Did admit to fooling around and seemed remorseful. Instantly the next day she had been facetiming me, calling me every second of her day and texting me a bunch. She says she loves me every conversation now, misses me, wants me to come visit to have sex, etc.

Could use any advice. She goes back and forth about moving here now and says I am pushing her too hard to make a decision. Now she is back to going hot and cold again but still facetimes me to show me no one has been to our house every night and morning. It's all a tangled mess.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JR314 said:


> Need some advice from everyone out there. It's a long story but will try to keep it short.
> 
> Was with my wife for 7 years. We have a 13 year old son together. (Hers biologically).
> 
> ...


Man, really sorry about this whole mess.
I’m pretty much going to be in the camp that says your wife is not yours alone anymore.
I really hate saying that, but it seems pretty clear.

Hard line coming:
Tell her to stay there. You don’t want damaged goods anymore.
Don’t believe her words, believe what she does. Believe your friends who are trying to help you.

Consult a lawyer and file for divorce.

She will freak out as you’ve already seen, but are you willing to share?
She showed you who she is and how much she really cares about you.
and in front of your son???

What does she do when he’s not around?

No way I’d be ok with that.

Sorry friend. Not good news.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Very rarely do people actually take the advice given on this forum because honestly they just don’t want the truth. What they want is some magic words that makes the truth that they already know go away and become not real.

You already know the truth: Your wife is screwing other men.

There are no magic words that can make that not real.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Umm yeah, your marriage is done. She kicked you out so she could have the freedom to sleep with other men.

If you ever want to save your marriage, never get separated! How could anyone work on a marriage apart? It never makes sense.

Time to file for divorce and move on with your life.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

I will take the advice. I already have the gut feeling but this has never happened to me before. I have no idea how someone could turn around and say I love you after screwing around. Every relationship I have been in before this one my ex has just simply left and there was no reconciliation or hope for anything in the future. I feel like I'm plan B here while she figures another option out. Even if that's just some fun before moving back here. I don't call or text anymore. She does all the reaching out all day everyday.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

JR314 said:


> I don't call or text anymore. She does all the reaching out all day everyday.


Go no contact! Show her what she's going to lose. Say, if you want to see me and communicate with me then I can move back in or you can move here, but otherwise we are not talking.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Worst part is she admitted to probably half of what has actually been going on. Why not just come completely clean so we can both move on with our lives? When I tell her I will just assume the worst has been going on and she's been having sex with other men. She gets very upset and says something like "well if you are going to accuse me of something I haven't done then I'll go ahead and go do it."


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

She asked you to leave the state after you guys had a bad fight. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in an emotional affair or full blown affair before the fight, or at the very least, had someone in mind she wanted to test drive. Divorce her and move on, a marriage with her isn’t worth saving.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why on earth would she tell you she slept with those guys ? There is no advantage to that. If she can keep you doubting she can keep you on the hook as plan B.
My buddy had a wife that did this for years. Like a idiot he hung around still paying for everything while she was nailing guys in his own bed.

Cheaters couldn’t give a damn about the truth


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ll never get into the mind of a cheater. Let her go.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

She convinced you to move out of state so she wouldn't have to worry about you catching her with other guys. 

I also have a strong feeling she has probably already started divorce proceedings and will accuse you of abandonment by moving out of state so she gets the upper hand..... As a person viewing this from the outside, your marriage appears to be over. I strongly recommend having an attorney check to see if anything has been filed with the court. Also lock any lines of credit and move back ASAP. If she convinced you to do a change of address, change it back ASAP. Also save all texts, VM, and communications.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JR314 said:


> Why not just come completely clean so we can both move on with our lives?


My guess is she wants to keep you in the wings as her Plan B. Also, cheaters are notorious for lying. If she's reaching out on a daily basis, I'd pretty much ignore it. Oh, yeah ... and see a good attorney ASAP. Reach out to her by serving her with divorce papers.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

How clueless is she that she didn't know her son was upset about her screwing with other guys and had you call him? She was playing you, sending you away so she could have some fun without you in the way. Act accordingly.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JR314 said:


> "well if you are going to accuse me of something I haven't done then I'll go ahead and go do it."


Ha, what is she a teenager? Lord.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Well I'll be happy to say I sent her a letter this evening stating I am ending things and could no longer put up with the cheating, lieng, and deception. With she only replied "then it's over." She has already tried calling me once which I have not answered and plan to go no contact. I do not wish this kind of immature treatment to anyone out there in a relationship. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and hopefully the last!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JR314 said:


> Well I'll be happy to say I sent her a letter this evening stating I am ending things and could no longer put up with the cheating, lieng, and deception. With she only replied "then it's over." She has already tried calling me once which I have not answered and plan to go no contact. I do not wish this kind of immature treatment to anyone out there in a relationship. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and hopefully the last!


Good for you. Don’t put up with that crap.
She may try harder and harder to pull you back. So brace yourself for that. If you can block her everywhere so you’re not overwhelmed then do that. But you have a son, so maybe make sure he can still contact you.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

My friends and family are all preparing me that she will try hard to pull me back in. I will not let her win at this. Especially since she has an alcohol abuse problem. I'm already anticipating the late night calls and texts to take her back. If course she has blamed all the cheating on her alcohol problem... !


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JR314 said:


> My friends and family are all preparing me that she will try hard to pull me back in. I will not let her win at this. Especially since she has an alcohol abuse problem. I'm already anticipating the late night calls and texts to take her back. If course she has blamed all the cheating on her alcohol problem... !


Of course she did. If getting you back like that doesn’t work, then ‘duck’. She will get angry. You know her best, but figure on _real_ angry. All of that is manipulation to try and get you back under control. Don’t fall for it. One day you might see actual remorse. But this isn’t it.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

JR314 said:


> Well I'll be happy to say I sent her a letter this evening stating I am ending things and could no longer put up with the cheating, lieng, and deception. With she only replied "then it's over." She has already tried calling me once which I have not answered and plan to go no contact. I do not wish this kind of immature treatment to anyone out there in a relationship. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and hopefully the last!


Actually, it was over as soon as you moved out. You were just the last to know.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

JR314 said:


> My friends and family are all preparing me that she will try hard to pull me back in. I will not let her win at this. Especially since she has an alcohol abuse problem. I'm already anticipating the late night calls and texts to take her back. If course she has blamed all the cheating on her alcohol problem... !


If you want to scare her off, tell her you want her to take a polygraph. I'm betting that'll send her scurrying in the other direction.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Ha! A polygraph? She already said she would go take an std test and a "see if I've had sex with anyone recently." Test to prove she hasn't been having sex with anyone! What would those things prove anyways?! I am astounded by a cheaters lies and manipulation to control. It won't be an easy next few months but I'll look back and feel better as time goes on! Way better people out in this world. The worst part is I can't believe I was with someone like this for 7 years!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JR314 said:


> Ha! A polygraph? She already said she would go take an std test and a "see if I've had sex with anyone recently." Test to prove she hasn't been having sex with anyone! What would those things prove anyways?! I am astounded by a cheaters lies and manipulation to control. It won't be an easy next few months but I'll look back and feel better as time goes on! Way better people out in this world. The worst part is I can't believe I was with someone like this for 7 years!


Great attitude. Move on. She’s shown you who she is. Don’t try to make her something else.

And forgive yourself for 7 years of foolishness. You didn’t know any better than the rest of us. She fooled you, and you trusted her. Trust works great until one turns into a snake and bites you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You already know she's a liar and a cheater. Add to that the possibility she's an alcoholic, and you've got a strike-three-you're-out scenario. 

You deserve so much better than this.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> You already know she's a liar and a cheater. Add to that the possibility she's an alcoholic, and you've got a strike-three-you're-out scenario.
> 
> You deserve so much better than this.


Ha. One strike you’re out when that strike is cheating!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JR314 said:


> Worst part is she admitted to probably half of what has actually been going on. Why not just come completely clean so we can both move on with our lives? When I tell her I will just assume the worst has been going on and she's been having sex with other men. She gets very upset and says something like "well if you are going to accuse me of something I haven't done then I'll go ahead and go do it."


Her response is pure manipulation. You already have others telling you that she has been with this other guy. Get to a lawyer and tell her don't bother moving...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

JR314 said:


> Well I'll be happy to say I sent her a letter this evening stating I am ending things and could no longer put up with the cheating, lieng, and deception. With she only replied "then it's over." She has already tried calling me once which I have not answered and plan to go no contact. I do not wish this kind of immature treatment to anyone out there in a relationship. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and hopefully the last!


Well done mate. Glad to hear it. She doesn't deserve you. Hopefully the divorce will be clean and swift. Block her number from your phone, if she wants to talk to you, she can go through your lawyer because you're done.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Honestly I never quite realized what Narcissism (which ties in to her alcoholism), manipulation and gaslighting truly was until all this started to go down. It's a terrible thing to be on the other end of it. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. These type of people are truly sick. She said at one point "well we just made out and then I stopped anything else from happening because I didn't want it." Then proceeded to say "he passed out in our bed drunk but we didn't cuddle or do anything. I just slept on the other side of the bed in my night clothes (underwear). Then he woke up in the morning and went home. I promise." 

Funny because that next morning she lied anyone stayed over, specifically that this guy left with everyone else. She then facetimed me being turned on and saying how much she wished I was there to have sex with her.

Her story changed quick once my friend told me what really went down. Manipulation is a serious illness.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JR314 said:


> Honestly I never quite realized what Narcissism (which ties in to her alcoholism), manipulation and gaslighting truly was until all this started to go down. It's a terrible thing to be on the other end of it. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. These type of people are truly sick. She said at one point "well we just made out and then I stopped anything else from happening because I didn't want it." Then proceeded to say "he passed out in our bed drunk but we didn't cuddle or do anything. I just slept on the other side of the bed in my night clothes (underwear). Then he woke up in the morning and went home. I promise."
> 
> Funny because that next morning she lied anyone stayed over, specifically that this guy left with everyone else. She then facetimed me being turned on and saying how much she wished I was there to have sex with her.
> 
> Her story changed quick once my friend told me what really went down. Manipulation is a serious illness.


She doesn’t even realize how far over the line she was even if a fraction of that story was true. smh.
Good for you that you’re getting out of that mess. A life of pain and suffering are there if you stayed.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@JR314 - How are you dealing with the son you helped raise? Will you be cutting off from him as well? After 7 years of being a father to him, I doubt that’s possible. For his sake, I hope not, but where does that leave you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JR314 said:


> Need some advice from everyone out there. It's a long story but will try to keep it short.
> 
> Was with my wife for 7 years. We have a 13 year old son together. (Hers biologically).
> 
> ...


I’ll tell you what you already know — she’s lying.

Time to start talking with lawyers.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have to give you credit where it is due ….. you are opening your eyes very quickly.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> @JR314 - How are you dealing with the son you helped raise? Will you be cutting off from him as well? After 7 years of being a father to him, I doubt that’s possible. For his sake, I hope not, but where does that leave you?


I still plan to keep in touch with him as long as he needs me to. It's not his fault his mother acts this way. I cannot blame him for what has happened. If it becomes too hard for me to continue a relationship with him... well. I'll need to talk to him about it in the best way that I can.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@JR314, just to emphasize what other are telling you:
Legally, prepare yourself ASAP, I can't emphasize enough for you to be legally prepared ahead of her and what's to come. War is coming, so treat it as such. You know better than anyone, so start brainstorming what she's capable of, and what her "modus operandi" is. Normally, in these types of situations where the woman ask the man for a separation and for him to leave means that she's ahead of you, way ahead of you with her preparations, so consider that as a strong possibility.

Cut all communications with her, other than through your legal representation. It's for the best. Normally, many women utilize anything you say as a legal weapon against you; therefore be smart in this respect.
I'm pretty sure she had it all premeditated when she ask you to move out state. Not that you would, per your statements, but it would be foolish for you to eventually cave in, get back with her, and/or eventually have sex with her. You'll be demonstrating to her that you have not self respect and dignity. It would show her that she can do it again, regardless.

Out her to the whole inner circle of family, and friends. Most men, act in such a reactive, passive manner when it comes to divorce. while the woman is very busy with the public relation (women are very, very good at this) agenda to present their case as the suffering martyr, while the husband is portrayed as the insensitive, abusive, non emotionally present individual, to gather support for her, and moral condemnation of the man. BE PROACTIVE.

Once again, lawyer up, like yesterday.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> @JR314, just to emphasize what other are telling you:
> Legally, prepare yourself ASAP, I can't emphasize enough for you to be legally prepared ahead of her and what's to come. War is coming, so treat it as such. You know better than anyone, so start brainstorming what she's capable of, and what her "modus operandi" is. Normally, in these types of situations where the woman ask the man for a separation and for him to leave means that she's ahead of you, way ahead of you with her preparations, so consider that as a strong possibility.
> 
> Cut all communications with her, other than through your legal representation. It's for the best. Normally, many women utilize anything you say as a legal weapon against you; therefore be smart in this respect.
> ...


Spot on, 100% great advice OP read it again.


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## JR314 (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> @JR314, just to emphasize what other are telling you:
> Legally, prepare yourself ASAP, I can't emphasize enough for you to be legally prepared ahead of her and what's to come. War is coming, so treat it as such. You know better than anyone, so start brainstorming what she's capable of, and what her "modus operandi" is. Normally, in these types of situations where the woman ask the man for a separation and for him to leave means that she's ahead of you, way ahead of you with her preparations, so consider that as a strong possibility.
> 
> Cut all communications with her, other than through your legal representation. It's for the best. Normally, many women utilize anything you say as a legal weapon against you; therefore be smart in this respect.
> ...


I have cut off all communications as of last night. She has tried to contact me through text and snapchat even. I will soon be blocking her from all platforms today. 

I am studying narcissism, manipulation and gaslighting and from what I have read so far it is best to go no contact with these type of people. She is now saying things like "you broke my heart into a million pieces, I don't trust you to fix this." Or "you gave up on us, not me." "I waited all day to get off work and talk to you, and now you won't even answer."

I'm not giving in and allowing her control over me. Her cheating and lies were enough for me to cut ties. I have no intentions of reconciling with this kind of behavior or risk catching stds from someone like this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't think she's working on reuniting with you. Certainly not very hard. I think she's separated and considers herself separated. I assume you didn't do a legal separation or you would have mentioned it. Many states require one prior to divorce. 

When people divorce and share custody, they can't move away further than just depending on the state maybe 30 miles for an example. She got you to move out of state. If you don't go back to that town, it will look like you abandoned your child. You wouldn't have to live with her. 

The thing is if she moves to where you are and you all are there for depending on the state about 6 months, then you will both be stuck there as long as you're sharing custody. No way to know if she's aware of that but that would be enough to keep me from moving while I'm still not happy in my marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t think she planned on a divorce. She just wanted to have some fun for awhile while you were sitting around waiting on her to show up. No contact is the way to go. I ended up dragging out a relationship much longer than I should have because I kept responding even though I was done at that point. Long after I should have, I stopped responding and life began to get better.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

JR314 said:


> Need some advice from everyone out there. It's a long story but will try to keep it short.
> 
> Was with my wife for 7 years. We have a 13 year old son together. (Hers biologically).
> 
> ...





JR314 said:


> Need some advice from everyone out there. It's a long story but will try to keep it short.
> 
> Was with my wife for 7 years. We have a 13 year old son together. (Hers biologically).
> 
> ...


Get back together, your kid needs an intact family. So learn to love and live together.long distance you lost get gottman therapy.
If you divorce your kid will not see his father after a few years. Evidenced based,


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