# Recently (today) separated from controlling/abusive husband and I'm miseable



## CaliGirl (Apr 7, 2012)

After 10 months of marriage I gave him an ultimatum: enroll in an approved 52-week abusers program or leave. We're living abroad right now - I even gave him the option of an online program. He chose not to enroll in the program and claimed, "I know I was a jerk and I won't be like that anymore but I'm not going to take a 52week program". And this morning I put him on a plane back to the USA ...and I'm miserable. Many people won't understand why. Truly, only women who've loved an abusive man will understand. So my question is women who know what I'm going through: how did you make it through? has your husband ever gotten help and changed? how did you stay strong when he begged and pleaded to come back?

Again, I know people who've never been in an abusive situation will surely say, "leave him!" That advice is under consideration, but I really want to hear from women who are survivors of abusive relationships and what worked/what didn't.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

It's difficult when you're in this type of situation, we keep thinking they're going to change, the cycle reels us in (honeymoon phase). We become hopefull.

Rarely do these men seek help on their own, they usually are court ordered in order that they can visit their children. They don't even realize how serious this problem is.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

i wouldnt say my H was abusive but he was controlling and could be quite verbally aggressive and intimidating

he was like it before he met me (in his last relationship), he was like it during our marriage (after the honeymoon period had worn off) and he's going to be like it in future

when he first left he said he was going to get help, six weeks later and he's decided he doesn't need help

of course he's begging and pleading to come back - he knows you'll put up with it. If you're out, try and stay out - that's all the advice I can give you


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

CaliGirl said:


> After 10 months of marriage I gave him an ultimatum: enroll in an approved 52-week abusers program or leave. We're living abroad right now - I even gave him the option of an online program. He chose not to enroll in the program and claimed, "I know I was a jerk and I won't be like that anymore but I'm not going to take a 52week program". And this morning I put him on a plane back to the USA ...and I'm miserable. Many people won't understand why. Truly, only women who've loved an abusive man will understand. So my question is women who know what I'm going through: how did you make it through? has your husband ever gotten help and changed? how did you stay strong when he begged and pleaded to come back?
> 
> Again, I know people who've never been in an abusive situation will surely say, "leave him!" That advice is under consideration, but I really want to hear from women who are survivors of abusive relationships and what worked/what didn't.


I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. However, what you did is actually enforce a boundary. He knows he's behaving like a jerk and he thinks he can avoid the responsibility of fixing it and just rug-sweep instead. If that happens, he may change for a short while, but will go back to the old ways because he will not have learned anything at all about why he is doing what he is doing to you. You are sending him the message that you do love him, but he is hurting you, and so he needs to change that for you to continue your life together. 

It took courage to do it in the first place; remember that. It is very, very hard to stick to it. You're in for a very rough ride. He may not ever change. He might realize that the problem is serious enough for you to ask for a separation and that it means he had better think about his part in it. Or, he might just shift the blame onto you and live in denial. There's no guarantee. People with abusive tendencies don't change unless they understand that their behavior is abusive, usually they just don't see it as abusive and so they do nothing about it. You're not enabling his bad behavior, you're letting him know that his behavior needs to change. That is good. Now, be strong and be good to yourself and build up the strength you've lost so that you can deal with whatever comes next. 

"Leave him" is easy to say, but at the end of the day, only you will know when something has gone beyond your limit. You're giving him an ultimatum and that is exactly what you need to do because it sends him the very clear message that his behavior is not acceptable. People with abusive tendencies have a problem with boundaries. People who live with them need to have the strength to enforce their boundaries even when it seems impossible; you've done that. He doesn't see that he is hurting you, but he is. Either he will see it and change, or you will have prevented the worsening of this problem for both of you. 

It's extremely painful to be separated overseas. Hang in there. Spend time on this forum. Do good things for yourself. You're not punishing him, you're helping to solve a problem and that is good.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Control and intimidation is abuse....

They do like to spin things around to put the blame on everyone else. Here's an example of what my ex did.

He bounced a few insurance checks, they canceled our insurance. I asked him to call and see about getting it re-instated. He calls back and said he didn't bounce the checks, it was the banks fault...blah blah blah.


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## CaliGirl (Apr 7, 2012)

Thank you for all for your helpful replies. Thank you Moxy for taking time out of your day to write such a supportive and reaffirming note to me. To be honest I haven't found any success stories through all of the research I've done. It's truly sad.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

CaliGirl said:


> Thank you for all for your helpful replies. Thank you Moxy for taking time out of your day to write such a supportive and reaffirming note to me. To be honest I haven't found any success stories through all of the research I've done. It's truly sad.


Success stories are few and far between. The scars we bear in our psyches make it difficult for people to see the patterns that are defensive and that are offensive sometimes. At the end of the day, those who are abusing their power are acting pre-emptively to hold on to power and control that they worry is slipping away. The unfortunate thing is that their security would deepen if they stopped the behavior that is so offensive. Unfortunately, it really is up to the person to be willing to change and there's nothing that can be done by the ones who are left hoping. You know you've done the right thing, even if it makes you sad. It's okay to be sad. Only by going through it can you get through it and feel better one day.

I wanted to add something else. If your husband is begging and pleading to come home, then don't just ignore it coldly. Enforcing a boundary doesn't mean turning your back on him, though it sounds like it. When he asks to come back, just explain to him that while he doesn't seem to understand the severity of the problem, it does still exist and that you need to be firm so that he understands how much of a problem it actually is. Let him know that you love him and hope you can both work things out, but that you need to see him taking ownership of his actions here. Even if he doesn't mean to hurt you, he hurts you and he needs to see that. There's no harm in telling him what you think. You don't need to keep your agenda secret. Let him know what the problem is so that he has a chance to fix it if he is brave enough to do so. I hope for your sake that he does realize he wants to be with you more than he wants to be stubborn, that he will realize that you're valuable to him and that he will want to become a person who doesn't hurt you but protects you from himself. It is so very hard to be waiting and hoping. You have to take care of yourself in the meantime.

Controlling/Abusive is a little different from Battering. You were right to bring attention to him before it became physical.


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