# What should I do? Please read.



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Hi guys, Im new here. I've been reading for a couple days and decided to register and make my own post.

Before I get into whats going on here is a little back story.

I've been with my husband since we were 17, we're both 24 now and married for 3 years. We never argue and get along great.. We have a great sex life, no finacial issues. We both have always felt we were soul mates and meant to be. I moved 1000 miles away from home to be with him 6 years ago. And our lives have been great together. So I thought...

Now onto the issue.

I started noticing my husband being very distant, not talking much, not doing things with me, This went on for a few weeks before I said something bc I put it off to him being stressed from work. Anyways I finally brought it up and after a huge argument, I found out he wasnt sure if he felt the same about me, he also said he no desire to do anything and he felt like he just wanted to sit and do nothing. After arguging all night long, we both agreed we had too much to lose together and would work it out this went on for 2 weeks and he did nothing to change which led to me asking for answers again.

At this point he says he loves me but is no longer in love... And he just wants to be alone and do his own thing. It was shocking and heartbreaking to hear those words.. Anyways this led to me moving home with my family, so he could be on his own. There was no way we could afford an extra place so we decided this was the best move. It has been 1 month since and I have made all the mistakes, pushing him for answers, arguing with him etc. I know it was wrong of me but Im just so hurt by this. He says this is not about dating other ppl, he just wants to be by himself. He gives me mixed emotions, one day he says of course at some point he'll want to fix our marriage, the next day he says there is no hope for us. Last monday out of no where he tells me he is going to see a counselor to try and fix "himself".. He did and the counselor believes he may be depressed. He said he doesnt know if he is going for a 2nd session or not. Anyways I try to talk him and build a relationship but he is so resistant, he will only text, if I call him, he will answers but keeps it short. He says the reason is bc it turns into a arguement and me pushing him for answers he doesnt have.

I know that I've had a big hand in how he feels about us now because my reactions and pushing him to make his mind up about us. He says he cant help he feels like he wants to be alone but he wishes he could. He says he loves me and misses me but wants to be alone more. Ive decided to not talk to him a few days to let him calm down, bc the last convo ended in him telling me why cant I understand Im pushing him away further...

Anyways I dont want our marriage to end. I love him and I know he loves me but I dont know how to fix things. 

Also I should add that he is not cheating and there is no other womans. I have all the facts to prove it to so please dont say that has to be it
Sorry if this story is all over the place, any questions please ask.

Thanks.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Oneitis. If you believe that there are others out there that are also compatible, it makes it to move on. I am sorry, but you are not happy in how he is behaving and whether he is depress, perhaps cheating, or any other reasons, you need to learn how to detach and live your own life with or without a partner. He made up a big portion of your life and your identity is wrapped around him. You need to find your own identity without him. You are willing to put your life on hold for an unknown period of time so you can wait for him to make up his mind if he wants to stay married to you. What if it takes years, what if it is on and off again for the rest of your life.

You are too focused on him and not on yourself. My advice is to detach until he works on himself before you detach enough to leave him for good or not. Hang out with friends, find a new hobby, spend more time with a support group and live a fulfilling life without him.

Even if things do work out and whatever his issues are, you will still have to deal with the pain of being abandoned by him. Because you are so motivated to stay with him, you fail to take stock of the pain he is putting you through. You will have to deal with those emotions at some point in time and if he is around, he will have to help you work on those issues.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

One thing you need to understand for the rest of your life. You cannot prove no cheating. You can only prove cheating, not the absence of it. 

Also, it does not have to be physical. It can be emotional such as with a coworker. Believe me when i tell you that can make a person fall out of love with their spouse. And it is very hard to catch. And very hard to shake off. 

I was once like your husband. 

Good luck to you.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> One thing you need to understand for the rest of your life. You cannot prove no cheating. You can only prove cheating, not the absence of it.
> 
> Also, it does not have to be physical. It can be emotional such as with a coworker. Believe me when i tell you that can make a person fall out of love with their spouse. And it is very hard to catch. And very hard to shake off.
> 
> ...


I understand. I'm just saying I have nothing to believe he is cheating or that has he. So I am trusting him and believing he would not do this. I don't think he would go through the trouble and he would just divorce me however he says he has no plans to file anytime soon. Of course I'm aware he could be keeping my on side just in case his plan falls through but I truly don't believe he would do this.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Oneitis. If you believe that there are others out there that are also compatible, it makes it to move on. I am sorry, but you are not happy in how he is behaving and whether he is depress, perhaps cheating, or any other reasons, you need to learn how to detach and live your own life with or without a partner. He made up a big portion of your life and your identity is wrapped around him. You need to find your own identity without him. You are willing to put your life on hold for an unknown period of time so you can wait for him to make up his mind if he wants to stay married to you. What if it takes years, what if it is on and off again for the rest of your life.
> 
> You are too focused on him and not on yourself. My advice is to detach until he works on himself before you detach enough to leave him for good or not. Hang out with friends, find a new hobby, spend more time with a support group and live a fulfilling life without him.
> 
> Even if things do work out and whatever his issues are, you will still have to deal with the pain of being abandoned by him. Because you are so motivated to stay with him, you fail to take stock of the pain he is putting you through. You will have to deal with those emotions at some point in time and if he is around, he will have to help you work on those issues.


This is great advice. I am working on becoming my own person and making my own life without him but I still dont want to give up on him or our marriage as I do believe deep down he still loves me very much and wants me in his life


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

It could be likely depression. 
A lot of the time people suffering with it will push their spouses & Ioved ones away so they can "fix themselves". But often not in the correct way. 
Do you know if the counsellor suggested any remedy, like exercises or something?

I know that your probably frustrated with him right now but he might need your help if he's sitting around after work and not dealing with his stress appropriately. 
Try not to take things personally & if you can get him to talk while you listen to what he has to say. 
Arguing with him could send him reeling & he might want more space. 

It could be just that he's overwhelmed with things?
Has he ever discussed anything about his issues with you? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> It could be likely depression.
> A lot of the time people suffering with it will push their spouses & Ioved ones away so they can "fix themselves". But often not in the correct way.
> Do you know if the counsellor suggested any remedy, like exercises or something?
> 
> ...


The counselor told him that they should talk
Again and the fact he says he wants to be alone sounds "depressing". But my husband doesnt seem like he is going back to the counselor. I try to talk him about what's going on but he just says he wants to be alone and can't chance that feeling but wishes he could. He seems to be burying himself in work and he goes to the gym everyday. If I text him he will talk to me but doesn't keep the convo going unless I do. The minute I start asking questions about us he gets frustrated. I know I shouldn't be pushing him.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> The counselor told him that they should talk
> Again and the fact he says he wants to be alone sounds "depressing". But my husband doesnt seem like he is going back to the counselor. I try to talk him about what's going on but he just says he wants to be alone and can't chance that feeling but wishes he could. He seems to be burying himself in work and he goes to the gym everyday. If I text him he will talk to me but doesn't keep the convo going unless I do. The minute I start asking questions about us he gets frustrated. I know I shouldn't be pushing him.


If he's suffering from depression, him being alone is not good for him. 
Does he have any friends that you can talk to? 
He could need a break from work & him burying himself in might well make things worse. 
The counsellor might have told him things he didn't want to hear. 
But he's going to the gym, so he's trying at least, to cope. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> roxy2016 said:
> 
> 
> > The counselor told him that they should talk
> ...


The counselor told him he isn't making decisions on his own happiness bc he doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Which I'm assuming means myself and his family. He said that really opened his eyes up to how he is feeling. He says he feels like a pos and horrible for what he is putting me through. He said when I ask questions he can't answer it only puts him down further and makes him feel worse. He has friends but he doesn't open up to ppl. The counselor also said he is stubborn about talking about his feelings. He said he makes him feel like being alone will make him happy. However he can't be happy bc the consequences would mean losing me if he is alone. He is very wishy washy about his emotions and I'm extremely confused.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Leave him alone and detach. You have noticed that asking him anything pertaining to the relationship is a dead end, so breathe, and stop yourself from running into a brick wall. You have to learn that it gets you nowhere.

Keep separating from him as it is unhealthy to revolve your life around a person. Partners have choices, they can either leave you or not just like you have the same choices.

Depression is selfish in which the depress person can only focus on their issues and cannot give anything to anyone. By being wishy washy, he is keeping you strung along for when he either stays or leaves you.

If it were me in your position, I would tell him that you would let him be to work on his problems, but you will not just keep your life on hold indefinitely. Also, do not guilt him into any action and tell him that he needs to do what is best for him and you have to do the same.

You are several years younger than me, I suggest you find out what makes you your own individual. Just detach at present and go at your own pace. Whatever happens, the more detached you are, the more stable you will be emotionally to handle whatever the outcome may be.

You see, you are still committed to him but he is not really committed to you. In my opinion, there is a responsibility towards the other when one enters a relationship. He is in and out, enough to keep you hanging on.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Leave him alone and detach. You have noticed that asking him anything pertaining to the relationship is a dead end, so breathe, and stop yourself from running into a brick wall. You have to learn that it gets you nowhere.
> 
> Keep separating from him as it is unhealthy to revolve your life around a person. Partners have choices, they can either leave you or not just like you have the same choices.
> 
> ...


Thanks I'm definitely going to try and detach. Right now we only contact through text, he won't do phone calls bc everyone we've had in the past month has ended in us arguing bc I start asking questions. I realize everything I've donever wrong since this all started. I do hope he comes around but I'm not sure it's going to happen.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Does he have FOO (family of origin) issues ? 

You need to do the 180 to detach and build your own life. I seen it referred to GAL: get a life.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Do you have access to counseling too? 

Maybe it would help if you go too. For yourself, to figure out the best way to cope...and the best way forward. Couldn't hurt to have someone personal to talk to.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> I truly don't believe he would do this.


People have their differences but to some extent we're fundamentally quite similar. 

Thousands of people who are just like your husband cheat on their unsuspecting wives every day, and those wives say the same exact thing you do. They'd go to their graves believing he'd never do that. 

Not saying he IS cheating but I am saying you're making some dangerous assumptions.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Sounds like guilt to me. Maybe an affair, possibly a one night stand, but maybe some real guilt and it is burning him alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

I do have plans to go to marriage counseling. He does have some family issues. I know there is a chance he could have cheated or he cheating but again I'm choosing not believe so until I have some kind of evidence to prove it. So far all the digging I've done to see if he is cheating has backfired and turned out to be nothing. He does seem to be feel guilty and ashamed of himself for doing this to me however it must not be enough to change things. See neither of us ever got to do our own thing once out of high school we were basically married so maybe that's some of it?...


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

I've been looking into the 180 but I can't bare not to speak to him. Right now all we do is text. I feel like if I stop talking to him he will give up on us comepletely


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

This may or may not mean anything but he is very against cheating. We have a family member dealing with a cheating spouse and she is staying married and working things out with her husband. My husband can't understand why she would stay since cheating is the most horrible things one could do.. so he is very against cheating which is another reason I don't believe he would do it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxy2016 said:


> I've been looking into the 180 but I can't bare not to speak to him. Right now all we do is text. I feel like if I stop talking to him he will give up on us comepletely


The 180 is primarily for detaching. It will, often enough, bring a wayward or otherwise somewhat-detached spouse back to his or her marriage, but that's by no means a guaranteed outcome.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxy2016 said:


> This may or may not mean anything but he is very against cheating. We have a family member dealing with a cheating spouse and she is staying married and working things out with her husband. My husband can't understand why she would stay since cheating is the most horrible things one could do.. so *he is very against cheating which is another reason I don't believe he would do it.*


My brother was the same.

Guess what he got caught doing?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> I feel like if I stop talking to him he will give up on us comepletely


Then let him go.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

roxy2016 said:


> I dont want our marriage to end. I love him and I know he loves me but I dont know how to fix things.


It's not within your power to unilaterally 'fix' things.

Some more detail on the backstory would be helpful.


roxy2016 said:


> .... I know that I've had a big hand in how he feels about us now because [of] my reactions and pushing him to make his mind up about us.





roxy2016 said:


> ... The minute I start asking questions about us he gets frustrated. I know I shouldn't be pushing him ...


Is your 'pushing' now, after your separation, or did you also 'push him to make up his mind about us' early in your relationship? .. soon after you moved 1000 miles away from home to be with him at age 18 ? - you say you were 'basically married' right out of high school :


roxy2016 said:


> .... I've been with my husband since we were 17, we're both 24 now and married for 3 years ... I moved 1000 miles away from home to be with him 6 years ago.





roxy2016 said:


> ... neither of us ever got to do our own thing once out of high school we were basically married so maybe that's some of it?...


Yes, it could well be a lot of it. Are you the 'directive, leading' one in the relationship and him the 'compliant, following' one? His depression could stem from feeling (perhaps not fully consciously) that he's now lost the opportunity to 'do his own thing'. A couple of generations ago, early-twenties marriage was the norm, rigidly supported by societal expectations, but not of course these days. How did you come to be so close, so young, so soon in your relationship?



roxy2016 said:


> ... He does have some family issues ...


Could you elaborate?



roxy2016 said:


> He said he makes him feel like being alone will make him happy.


Is this saying: 
"[the counsellor] said [your H] makes [the counsellor] feel like [your H ] being alone will make your H happy"? Or :
"[Your H] said [the counsellor] makes [your H] feel like being alone will make your H happy"?



roxy2016 said:


> However he can't be happy bc the consequences would mean losing me if he is alone..


Is the is the counsellor speaking, your H speaking? - or you?



roxy2016 said:


> He is very wishy washy about his emotions


Has he always been 'wishy washy'? And, to be clear, are you referring to his emotions *towards you?* i.e whether he loves you? - because he doesn't seem to lack feelings:


roxy2016 said:


> He says he feels like a pos and horrible for what he is putting me through.





roxy2016 said:


> The counselor told him he isn't making decisions on his own happiness *bc he doesn't want to disappoint anyone.*


 [my emphasis] 

i.e. "Mr Nice Guy". But, even though he _feels like a pos and horrible for what he is putting me through_, he still won't step up to the plate and make a decision:


> He said when I ask questions he can't answer ...


 "can't" answer because he's crushed between the rock of feeling that he needs to be "Mr. Nice Guy" not disappointing anyone [where did this come from, I wonder?], and the hard place of being a POS who strings you along while he sorts himself out


> ... it only puts him down further and makes him feel worse.


because he feels the crushing effect even more 



> I'm extremely confused


That sounds like the part of you that wants to 'fix' things but doesn't know how. But there's another part of you that thinks it's a mistake to push him for answers and recogises that neither of you have done your own thing since high school. You're caught between them, like your husband is caught between wanting you and wantinmg to be alone, and caught between being Mr Nice Guy who doesn't want to disappoint and Mr POS who strings you along while he himself also suffers.


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