# A Devastated Daughter's Dilemma



## ConfusedDaughter (Jan 11, 2013)

Let me start by saying that I am aware this site is meant for adults with marital experience. I am an 18 year old daughter who stumbled upon this site by Googling advice, and after scanning many topics on this board, I feel like this community may give me some of the comfort and advice I need in this difficult time. In short, my father is cheating, and while my mother and I have known this for a while, I actually overheard him on the phone with his OW myself while my mother was at work, and I am devastated. This is going to be a bit of a novel, but I have a lot to get off my chest. 

The nature of the affair is this. My parents have been together since their senior year in high school, dated for six years, married, and have remained married for a total of 25 years. My parents were separated for a year when I was around 4 because my dad cheated with a woman he met online, and I lived with my mother. They reconciled, and have been together since. Sometime in the spring of 2011, my dad registered with a classmates reunion website. My parents have no contact with their old high school friends, have never attended the reunions, and are never particularly excited to run into old classmates, especially my dad—so this makes me think he was looking for an affair. He then began an affair with the high school girlfriend he dated before he started seeing my mom, even though she lives on the opposite side of the country. That summer, while I was at a college prep camp before my last year of high school, he told my mother he wanted to take a break from his stressful job of remodeling our house to take a weekend to himself and visit some of his favorite outdoors and sporting stores that are found the next state away. This was over Father’s Day weekend, and I tried to call him several times throughout the 4 days he was gone, and I was always switched to voicemail. I was legitimately worried he had an accident. On his way home days later, he called to cheerfully to spin some story about leaving his phone charger at home. I thought this was odd, since dad is really tech-savvy and would have stopped at the nearest gas station to buy a replacement, but I didn’t think anything of it. The summer went on.

Weeks into my senior year, the affair was exposed. My mom told me all the details of her DD and the sleuthing she had done, even revealing the OW’s first name to me. The next night, she confronted my dad and with divorce, announced that she had already found a rental home and could be out by the end of the week. My dad had a complete break down and promised to end it. My mom and I stayed. Things seemed to settle back to normal, but the whole thing kept nagging at me, especially the fact that he flat out lied to me after ignoring his own daughter’s Father’s Day phone calls. Eventually the nagging went away, but the lie still stayed at the back of my mind. My dad even had a tearful dinner with me while my mom was away for a weekend and apologized for hurting us. He seemed very genuine. 

I’ve started college now, 40 minutes from home, and my mother told me in confidence that the affair is continuing. My dad has even mentioned going to see the OW. While I’ve been home this whole month for winter break, I’ve observed a lot of troubling behaviors in my dad. He is normally excited to spend time with me by watching our favorite movies, taking day trips to antique stores, and completely talking my ear off all day if I let him (he is a stay at home dad). This month, even when we’re in the same house all day, he holes up in his room on his laptop with the door shut and I usually can’t get more than a few words out of him until dinner when my mom comes home and he suddenly becomes social for a few hours, before retreating to his room while mom and I watch TV and chat. It’s like he doesn’t even want to be involved anymore.

My mom says she still loves my dad, but she is tired of being treated this way. She’s biding her time until he goes to visit the OW, and she plans to be gone by the time he returns. My mother’s best friend is also in a tumultuous relationship with her cheating ex husband who is now cheating on the original OW with my mom’s friend, and my dad is the first to criticize the man for being a sack of crap. 

I’ve spent my break quietly taking notes on my dad’s behavior, but I’ve found nothing that proves anything and I’m always hoping my mom is wrong this time. As I said, I concluded without a doubt that my dad has continued the affair when I overheard him on the phone with the OW this afternoon. One thing that particularly struck me was him telling her, “I’ll let you know if things start going downhill fast these next few months.” Like he’s looking forward to wrecking his family. It’s odd because he flat out told my mom he has no intention to marry the OW, or move to her state, nor can she move to this state because she has joint custody of her young son. 

Obviously, this was the thing that brought my whole world crashing down. Ever since my mother told me months ago, I haven’t slept much more than naps between classes, I’ve dropped nearly 30 pounds, I’m constantly starting fights with my own boyfriend of a year, my hair is falling out, I have migraines and frequently vomit from worrying too much. I’m paranoid about everything. Every time my mom calls me, I think she’s telling me dad is gone. Every time my boyfriend doesn’t text me after class, he’s sleeping with another girl. I’m worried about homework for classes in another semester I haven’t even gotten to yet, I’m extremely tough on myself academically, I cry myself to sleep most nights, I have gruesome nightmares of my dad literally butchering my mom, and I can’t get good sleep unless I’m drunk or overworked to exhaustion. I even literally hyperventilate thinking about everything from nuclear war to money to how I’m going to pay my rent 4-5 years from now when I’ve barely finished my first semester of college. I haven’t told anyone but my boyfriend, who I have only talked to about this once during a raging drunken meltdown. I am so ashamed. I have even gone so far as to stay up for an entire night hunting the OW down, discovering her full name, address, phone number, photo, work information, work email, and paying for a background check on her.

I know this isn’t healthy. I move back in to school this weekend, and I fully intend to make an appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday morning. 

I am very, very close to my mom—she practically raised me on her own for 10 years while my dad worked on the road—and after a rocky relationship in my early teens, my dad and I actually developed a great relationship. I feel like all of that is shattered now. I am completely revolted by him, yet I keep acting like nothing is wrong. Today he heard me sobbing in the shower and immediately ran upstairs to check on me, and I lied about the noise coming from the shower. This is even harder for me to take –because— we have such a great relationship now. He isn’t a bad man, believe it or not. He did everything he possibly could to help my mom when her car went out this month, including driving her to work in a blizzard for three days after he got out of back surgery. He drove two and a half hours to pick me up from an out of control party at my friend’s college. He really loves me, and I know in his way he loves my mother, and that is why this hurts so much. 

I guess what I need right now is to share my story and find some support. I haven’t told my mom about the phone conversation. I’m thinking of writing my dad a letter telling him exactly how I feel about the situation and about how much he’s hurt me, because I really don’t think he realizes his relationship isn’t just between him and the OW. I plan to ask him not to contact me for a few weeks, and that I won’t be coming home for a while. I honestly do not see a foreseeable time when I can forgive him for this, especially as long as the OW is in his life. I am angry, ashamed, and embarrassed of him, and I don’t know how I can trust him again. I hate to give anyone an ultimatum, but I don’t desire to share space in his life with the OW. If he doesn’t end things, I am prepared to cut contact with him until I feel like I can forgive—and that is not an empty threat, nor one I’ve thought up in a rage. It’s something I’ve known for a year since I found out about the affair to begin with. I’m even preparing arrangements to pay back what he’s given me for college tuition by the end of the year. 

I am so, so angry and hurt. I really do want him to hurt like this, at least for a little while. I also honestly feel like keeping myself away from him for a few weeks will be the best for me. I’m mentally exhausted from being slammed in the face with his lies every day since I’ve been home, and I honestly want to focus on getting myself help and not needing to pretend all the time. I cannot let my life get any more out of control from this.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

hi there COnfusedDaughter, i wish those ppl on cheaterville or any father that plan to cheat on their family read your post.*hug*

you;re a smart girl.
you even said it yourself:


> I honestly want to focus on getting myself help and not needing to pretend all the time. I cannot let my life get any more out of control from this.


you should focus to yourself, and your mom, too.
i can see that she's a tough woman, and i believe whatever the issue in your parents' marriage, you should leave it to them to work it out.
i don't know what you've been through because im not in your shoes. im not an expert or 'experienced' in this thing, but when you said you're tired and sick with all of the lies from your dad and you don't want to pretend anymore, so just don't.

get on with your life, focus. your dad isn't that loving dad. if he trully does love his family, he would not ever do all the cheating and lying 

hang in there, *hug*


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am so sorry. I highly recommend you find a therapist at your university. My guess is they are free or close to free. There may even be graduate students taking on case studies like yours to fulfill practicum requirements. You need some help to get through this. Please find a therapist at school.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

been there myself over 24 years ago (my father cheated on Mom and I was stuck in the middle like you), you can read about it if you click the link in "My Story"

while there's not much you can do other than take care of yourself and help your mother I do suggest that you read the newbie link as well in order to educate yourself about affairs


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I am so sorry. I highly recommend you find a therapist at your university. My guess is they are free or close to free. There may even be graduate students taking on case studies like yours to fulfill practicum requirements. You need some help to get through this. Please find a therapist at school.


This is the best advice for you.

Truly sorry you're in the middle of all this.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

CD,

You should not be carrying this all by yourself and holding it in. Start the therapy pronto. I believe you should have a heart to heart with your Dad and have the do not talk just listen moment. Let him know what you know and what you think of him. Let him know while you still love him you have lost complete respect for him you must let your Mother in on everything (You may choose to tell her first but you need to tell your Dad what he has done to your relationship before your Mom opens up a can on him).

You must begin taking care of yourself immediately and get this off your conscience. You should not be carrying this load.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I think writing the letter to your Dad is a good idea. You will be able to get all your thoughts and feelings across without any distractions or interruptions. 

You're a smart girl. Take your time and express all your anger and hurt. It will help you to do this. 

Mail the letter. 

I think after mailing, you may want to take the "180" approach w your Dad. You can find links to the 180 here on TAM, or possibly someone will post it. I would, but I'm mobile at the moment.

Also, as others have advised, please get some IC (individual counseling) ASAP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I am so sorry. I highly recommend you find a therapist at your university. My guess is they are free or close to free. There may even be graduate students taking on case studies like yours to fulfill practicum requirements. You need some help to get through this. Please find a therapist at school.


This is great advice above. Also the advice to have a heart to heart with your father is critical. 

I think that you also need to really focus on yourself. As mentioned, start seeing a therapist so that you can begin coming to terms with it. Especially that it's not your fault!

Also, your health is key. Stop the binge drinking for escape. That has all the ingredients for disaster. Start working out instead... shoot for that exhaustion through bettering yourself. If that doesn't quite do it, please talk to your doc. He may choose to couple your exhaustive workouts with a low dosage of valium (etc) to help you rest. There is no shame in that- you need to help yourself.

Eat. While it may taste like sewage in your mouth, you need to force yourself to fuel the engine. 

Lean on your boyfriend a bit. The only time you've discussed this with him was in a drunken rage and, well, that's really not fair to either one of you. You need his support, and he may be worried sick about what's going on with you. If he's worth anything as a man, he wants to help you. Let him.

While we are just strangers to you on an internet forum, many of us have faced our own demons. It will be hard for you, but you CAN get throught this.

Good luck


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I have tried to type a reply up 3 times and each time my browser closes, I cant figure out if its trying to shut me up or not! HA!

I just wanted to tell you that reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I can feel your sadness in your writing and although it feels personal you have to understand that it is NOT! Your dad is hurting your mother which is hurting you but I can assure you that your dad is not doing it to you. If you were to tell your dad how you really felt Im sure that it would hurt him alot and maybe even make him think about what he has done and how it has affected you as well. 

I have been with my husband for almost 22 years, since high school. We have a 16yo, 13yo and an 8yo. My H is a cheater and has cheated for years, though we are supposed to be in R at this stage there were years that he was absent from his relationships with my children and myself. I think hearing a daughters perspective is what made it hard to read. I often wonder what effects my husbands betrayal will have on my children so reading your story was hard.

Please start focusing on yourself, get into counseling, write your father the letter you wanted to write...tell him everything you feel even if its hard, be there for your mom when she needs you but focus on yourself and your education. Try to talk to your bf about your feelings so that when you are upset he can comfort you and dont take out your anger with your father on him. He didnt do anything to you (your bf) so let him help you!

Please let us know after you've sent the letter to your dad how he responds to it. Take care of yourself!!


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

CD, sorry you find yourself here. I wonder if you cut and paste and send what you said here to your Dad. That would probably drop him to his knees. I think if my daughter thought enough of me and showed concern, not only for your mom, but your dad as well and I would listen. In addition to all this, you are in college now and that adds to the stress, stress you don't need. 

Infidelity is the worst thing in a relationship. It tears families apart. I hope for you and your mothers sake, he comes to his senses. To better understand this stuff read the newbie links,it's informative. I t explains a lot. Good luck.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are here...



You need to let your Father know that his affair is hurting you. His selfish actions are causing you anguish. Let him know how you feel in a letter. Be sure to tell him you are not taking sides, this is between you and him. 


Try not to let this affect your relationship with your boyfriend. Not all men are cheaters. Please don't punish your boyfriend for something your dad is doing, it only leads to resentment.


Encourage your mom to come here (CWI) for support. I'm sure she can use it. 



Please focus on you and school. Set up a therapy appointment ASAP. 

Good luck.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Confused Daughter - sorry you are caught up in the middle of your parent's problem. You know yourself that your Dad and Mom love you. Even your Dad, despite his behaviour. So you had nothing to do with this - it is THEIR problem. Realize that your Dad has been in a long-term fog - his detachment from you is a result of the fog - and a result of selfishness which gets worse under the "fog". He probably doesn't even realize what his actions are doing to you. That is how damaging the fog is. 

It's very important for you to realize that this is NOT your fault and that it is NOT your job to solve. I agree with others that you should visit your campus health center and seek therapy - just somebody neutral to talk to. I would also use this forum as a place to share your concerns, talk freely, and get feedback.

Reading your story is a lesson for me as well, so want to thank you for sharing. I have erred on the side of caution telling my daughters any details of my stbxw's split. I thought I might tell them when they're older - but am more convinced that it is not necessary that they know. I will continue to answer any questions they have honestly, but don't want them to shoulder any burden of my stbxw's and my problems. It is not their fault - just as it is not your fault. And my stbxw and I both love them unconditionally. That is all they need to know and all you need to know from your parents. Give your Mom support and the benefit of a doubt for telling you - this must be extremely painful for her. And work on yourself and your happiness. Hang out with friends, make new ones, learn, have fun - that's what University is all about. 

Let your parents sort their lives out while you develop your own.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you do a cut and paste to your father and he searches for it he will find that your mom intends to blindside him(which he deserves).
I was going to suggest you invite him here until I realized that.

Rewrite your post and send it to him. He needs to know the devastation he is creating.

I would also let him know that you will never be in the same room/place as his cheating affair partner.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, if its going tobe a few days before you can see a counselor at school, see your MD. Unfortunately, they see this a lot and can offer you temporary help.

Eat soup and take care of yourself. Odd your dad hasn't noticed your weight loss. That's his loss.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

CD-

Wow.....Your post hit home as I also have a 18yr old daughter, who is in her first year of college and a very simular situation to yours. I am crying here at my desk at work thinking how both of you have been effected by the problems of your parents.

I posted recently that my daughter wants to confront the OW, or write to her, and also has told me she is going to shame her by outing her to all her FB contacts. I have talked to her about this and what she hopes to gain from that, and now I understand she just wants some control over something that is so OUT of her control.

If it is ok with you I will PM you her email, maybe talking to someone else in the same situation and being the same age, could help you both. Her dad and I have been together for 18 yrs, and have 2 other children age 15 and 6. Her dad moved out on Jan 1st and is still in contact with the OW, but still comes around trying to see if there is anything left with me, I think. He may be in a MLC but not sure, either way he is causing so much damage, and seeing my daughter is not alone, and there are others out there like her, breaks my heart for the both of you.

Take care of your self and your mom......talk to people, and be open to forgiveness ...... as it is really a way to heal yourself more than anything....


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi, I am so very sorry for your pain. I have 2 daughters who are very close to their father so understand. Your job is to take care of yourself & go to school. I think you should set up your boundaries with your father & dis-engage for now. Lean on your mother for support - not the other way around.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Confused Daughter - sorry you are caught up in the middle of your parent's problem. You know yourself that your Dad and Mom love you. Even your Dad, despite his behaviour. So you had nothing to do with this - it is THEIR problem. Realize that your Dad has been in a long-term fog - his detachment from you is a result of the fog - and a result of selfishness which gets worse under the "fog". He probably doesn't even realize what his actions are doing to you. That is how damaging the fog is.
> 
> It's very important for you to realize that this is NOT your fault and that it is NOT your job to solve. I agree with others that you should visit your campus health center and seek therapy - just somebody neutral to talk to. I would also use this forum as a place to share your concerns, talk freely, and get feedback.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Find some counseling and cut your parents relationship problems out of your life. Treat each of your parents as just that, your parents. Address how your dad has hurt you not how he is hurting your mom, that is between him and her. Him ignoring your call hurts you so address that. If his time with this OW is affecting how he is with you then address that. But trying to tackle what he is doing to your mom is too big for you and not your fault or your problem.

This is why I always cringe when people say to expose to the kids as well. It isn't their problem, it isn't there life and they are in no way responsible for it or for fixing it. It serves no purpose other than to be a burden on them.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

soifon said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Find some counseling and cut your parents relationship problems out of your life. Treat each of your parents as just that, your parents. Address how your dad has hurt you not how he is hurting your mom, that is between him and her. Him ignoring your call hurts you so address that. If his time with this ow is affecting how he is with you then address that. But trying to tackle what he is doing to your mom is too big for you and not your fault or your problem.
> 
> This is why i always cringe when people say to expose to the kids as well. It isn't their problem, it isn't there life and they are in no way responsible for it or for fixing it. It serves no purpose other than to be a burden on them.


this^^^


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you are suffering from anxiety because you are traumatized by the idea of your family, your security, being damaged and perhaps even destroyed. At your age, when you are individuating from your parents, these links are very fragile.

You should definitely seek out therapy. A good therapist will help you to understand that, most importantly, your family will survive. You will always have your parents' love, no matter how selfish or bone-headed their behavior in other arenas. A good therapist should also encourage you to believe that this isn't in your control and you are not responsible for it.

At your age, you are still young enough to believe somehow that you are a pivotal actor in your parents' intimate relationship. As you get older, you will better understand that your father has compartmentalized his relationships - you go in one box, your mother goes in another. His interactions with you are completely genuine; his love for you, I'm sure, has not wavered. But his attachment to your mother is of a different sort & is something he can emotionally separate from his love for you. Just how it is. 

I think you are in a very tough position in terms of confronting your father. Your mother should have the freedom to confront him in her own way; at the same time, it's important that he really understand what this is doing to you. So, I would wait to confront him & in the meantime, tell your mother what you heard & get some counseling.

And when you do confront your dad - be completely honest about what this has done to you & don't forget to ask him what his reaction would be if you got married and your husband did to you what he is doing to your mother.


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

I just want to give you a hug & tell you it's not your fault. I totally understand why you have the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. 

Take care of yourself, go to counseling, send the letter to your dad & support your mom's decisions. You did an amazing job expressing yourself in your post it brought tears to my eyes so I have faith that your words will do the same to your dad. Best of luck


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

ConfusedDaughter said:


> Let me start by saying that I am aware this site is meant for adults with marital experience. I am an 18 year old daughter .


Enough said.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

You need this book to guide your mom on how to kill this affair for good.

Dr H has a website called marriagebuilders.com. On that site there are a bunch of great articles dealing with infidelity. You and your mom need to learn fast and those article will get your there.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

theroad said:


> Enough said.
> 
> Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but I completely disagree. She shouldn't be guiding her mom in anything. She is 18, maybe technically an adult as far as the law is concerned but she is a child. Her MOTHER is the adult and should be taking care of HER. Not the other way around. The reason this poor girl feels how she does is because her parents are letting her into their problem filled world and she is losing her sense of security. Kids need that! She needs to be cut off from this entire situation. Her mom needs to figure this out on her own and confide in a friend or relative that isn't a child.

OP, next time your mom comes to you with any of this I would simply tell her, "Mom I'm sorry you are going through this but I cannot be your leg to stand on. This is too much for me, he's still my dad and you are still my mom. I don't want to be in the middle anymore. I'm not justifying what he is doing but it isn't my burden to bear." And direct her to get support either here or through a friend or family member you know she can go to.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Wow young lady you have great writing skills, better than a lot of people on this forum that are twenty years your senior.

We learn dysfunctional means of relating to people by pretending one thing on the surface while a volcano is brewing underneath. So with your Dad, be frank with him. Mom too. Boyfriend too. It should not be coming out in drunken rages. Because it is coming out for sure in your everyday interactions, but in unhealthy ways. It isn't right to be lying to your boyfriend about nothing bothering you when it is obvious something is. Look how that behavior in your Father - living the lie - is so troubling to you. So why are you copying that example? For the same wrong reasons. You feel it is embarassing, it seems easier to get through the moment with the lie, maybe it will all go away, etc. You do things or say things to your boyfriend out of this fear he will do what your father will do instead of just saying it. It isn't his fault, but if you are living one life inside your head and presenting another face to your boyfriend, your mom, your dad - then you are the volcano building up hot lava that is going to explode all over everything instead of the calm lake of placid cool water handling things with a smart head on your shoulders. 

Come to the conviction though that it is not your responsibility nor your right, nor your ability to fix things between your Mom and Dad. You can say how you feel without the vain hope of fixing what is wrong between them.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Wow young lady you have great writing skills, better than a lot of people on this forum that are twenty years your senior.


:iagree: 


*BINGO!!!* - Exactly why I suggested she write a letter to her father rather than doing it in person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are taking on too much with the way you are handling the issues with your father’s affair. You really do need to back off and take care of yourself. I agree with others that you would benefit from seeing a doctor about what seems to be a pretty serious depression that this has thrown you into. Neither of your parents wants you to be torn apart like this.

While I think it’s ok and sometimes even good for parents to tell their older children about things like an affair, I think that you (and maybe your mother) has over-involved you in this. It’s a marital problem between your mother and your father. You have no idea of much that has gone on between them over the years as you have not been present during much that has gone on between them. This is their issue. 

Yes, breaking up of your family is your issue. But to be honest you are at an age where you are moving on with your life. Your father is still your father. Your mother is still your mother. Keep it that way. Neither of them will be divorcing you.

I think you should tell your mom about the phone conversation you over heard. Then back out of it for a while and take care of yourself. 

At your age you would probably benefit from reading the book “Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Harley. It’s a quick read and very informative. It will give you some very good insight into the dynamics of affairs. After you read the book, send it to your mom. (or order one directly from someplace like amazon.com and have them ship it to her.) She should read it before she confronts him.

Once you go see a doctor, read the book, perhaps write your dad a letter about your feeling/thought. Then concentrate on yourself. Stop the drinking, concentrate on your classes.


ConfusedDaughter said:


> I guess what I need right now is to share my story and find some support. I haven’t told my mom about the phone conversation. I’m thinking of writing my dad a letter telling him exactly how I feel about the situation and about how much he’s hurt me, because I really don’t think he realizes his relationship isn’t just between him and the OW. I plan to ask him not to contact me for a few weeks, and that I won’t be coming home for a while. I honestly do not see a foreseeable time when I can forgive him for this, especially as long as the OW is in his life. I am angry, ashamed, and embarrassed of him, and I don’t know how I can trust him again. I hate to give anyone an ultimatum, but I don’t desire to share space in his life with the OW. If he doesn’t end things, I am prepared to cut contact with him until I feel like I can forgive—and that is not an empty threat, nor one I’ve thought up in a rage. It’s something I’ve known for a year since I found out about the affair to begin with. I’m even preparing arrangements to pay back what he’s given me for college tuition by the end of the year.


All of the above is good to tell him. He needs to know that his affair is hurting his entire family. 

But do not pay him back for your college tuition. This is a gift to you from both him and your mother. It would be an insult to her as well. And that tuition is part of your legacy.. your inheritance so to speak. Paying it back will put you in hardship. Instead accept it. When you have children you will be paying it forward to them. That’s how it works.

Your letter about how his affair is affecting you and you letting him know that you will not accept the OW in any way at all is enough to add to the pressure that will hopefully wake him up. 

There are things that your mother has to do. They are discussed in the “Surviving an Affair” book. She needs to do the rest of the work to either fight for her marriage/family or to plan for the divorce.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I have been where you are and am where your mother was and is. I too have an 19 yo in college. She has experienced the worst of our marriages over the years. I am married to a Narcissist (and I am a co-dependent see the article in the threads). When I was 18 (now 45), I got an anonymous call that my father was bringing a woman into our house in the nights. I told my siblings and we decided to stay up one night to see if this was true. We took turns looking through the window of my room. My younger sister's look-out turn came shortly after my father came home that night. She saw my father sneaking in a woman into the matrimonial bedroom. In the process of doing it their eyes made four (my mother was out of the country at that time. He sent her away to help my older sister settle into college). Of course since it was my room, he automatically thought it was me he saw staring back at him. We just went to back to our rooms that night and pretended we didn't know anything (we never slept). On top of that I had to console my younger sister. I didn't know what to do but I did get quite a bit of "shut-up and ignore it" money from him to go out and do anything with my younger brother and sister. So we were conveniently out of the house for her to come in. She was my age. I didn't know how to tell my mom so I told my aunt knowing she would tell her. I made my father's and the OW's life a little bit of a living hell by the looks I would give him and he did everything I asked him to. When she called the house pretending to be a secretary, saying her name was "Ms. whatever" I told her bad words and hung up knowing he couldn't stop me from disrespecting her because it would be an admission of guilt. He was gullible to blackmail. I made him pay out serious money on the behalf of my mother and siblings. One morning, I noticed he did not get up his usual time 7:00am and I waited a while because I figure he was tired, so I tried to wake him up at 10am and he wouldn't budge - bordering on into a diabetic coma. I literally shook the daylights out of him gave him really sweet tea and candy and he came to. I really felt sorry for him then. He recovered and told me to call my mother for him. He got on the phone and told her to come home, he was crying. I was so happy. I love him so much and he did ask me to fogive him. He did ask me to forgive him, but we never talked about it. I want you to know that you can feel a sense of justice by posting this woman on cheaterville. Don't be afraid anymore. I love my father and even blamed my mother for some of his behavior because when she came back I told her to be involved via a greater presence in his business and demand that everything he owns has her name on it (laws in that country aren't automatically 50-50). But she didn't. She wasn't very educated and much of what he learned in life was through drinking buddies who were lawyers, judges etc. I want you to know I feel your pain, I handled it mostly externally at the time but you did internally. I must say that if you don't handle it now for yourself you will carry it into your future relationships and marriage exponentially. Better outlets for handling these events in our lives are now available versus back then. You can handle it. Many fathers who cheat fail to recognize that it's not just their wives they betray, but also their children. You have a right to be involved because you are living it. You owe your father no money whatsoever, you didn't ask to be born.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Do not even think of returning the tuition. 

That's not on you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm really sorry. I really think when you go back to school you need to get yourself to the counseling center the first day. 
You are living in a toxic, dysfunctional environment. 
I don't know why your mother has involved you so deeply in this. 
Your father is deep in affair fog. He probably feels guilty and is avoiding you. 
I think that you should talk to a counselor before you say anything to your dad. The truth is that often when cheaters are confronted they try to blame the other spouse. You don't know what he might say about your mother which will cause more pain and drag you deeper into their mess. Take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedDaughter (Jan 11, 2013)

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words, support, and thoughtful comments and advice. This is exactly what I needed and I am so glad I found this place. I can already tell that this is an extremely loving and uplifting community, and I very well may send my mother here for her own support. 

I've taken a while to respond to some of the comments because I've spent the day mulling them over. My dad and I spent the day together, and for once I was able to put all of my paranoia aside for a few hours. It gave me some clarity, and I'm glad I'll be going back to school on a more cheerful note with him than the utter devastation I felt yesterday.

Addressing some of the points brought up:

1). I will be returning to school on Sunday, and I will call the health center for an appointment with the counselor first thing Monday morning. If I can't get in that day, I should be good to go by Tuesday at the latest. Depression and severe anxiety disorders afflict almost all of the women in my mother's family. A lot of these feelings I have are not new, especially the anxiety and worrying, which have plagued me since my early teens. They are just magnified a hundredfold right now. I've put off getting help for a long time because the voice in my head always convinces me that what I'm feeling isn't serious enough to warrant talking to anyone, and I likely would have eventually done the same thing in this situation until it was too late. Thank you all for convincing me that I am making the best choice for myself.

2). I realize now that I am projecting my frustrations onto my boyfriend, and while I am in pain, that isn't fair to him. He is a wonderful guy and I know that if I give him the chance, he would absolutely be there for me every step of the way through this. He's done nothing to warrant the way I treat him, and I've got to change this. I am going to apologize to him tonight. I've never really learned how to express my feelings appropriately other than in writing, and that is something I need to address with the counselor. 

3). I initially planned to write the letter to my father this weekend and mail it home next week, but I think I am going to follow the advice of some of you and talk to my counselor about it first. I need to make sure I express myself clearly, calmly, and rationally without relying on anger, because I think then he is more likely to respect the boundaries I want to set. 

4). In regards to my mother, I agree with some of you that the details she provided me with about my dad's affair were not appropriate for me to know. I've actually held that resentment toward her for a while, but I have had a hard time telling her that she's pitting me in the middle with her actions. I try to understand that my mother and I are as close as sisters, and in the beginning she felt isolated and had a hard time confiding in anyone else because she was so embarrassed. She hasn't even told her mother or her own sister, who divorced her serial cheating husband years ago. I think my mother has risen past that by now, and she doesn't need me as a confidant anymore. She has plenty of friends and family who love her and will support her no matter what. This needs to stop. 

I think, when I write my letter to my dad, I will also send my mom an email. I'm choosing this strategy so that my mom will get hers first and give my dad time to process his letter, which will take longer to arrive. I'm going to ask her to pay him the courtesy of not jumping on him before he knows what I have to say. I am going to ask her for some distance as well--not the no-contact like I'm seeking from my dad, but space. She will not tell me anything about the situation that I don't ask myself, and she will not pull me into the middle anymore. I need to disengage myself from this as much as possible and let them work it out their own way.

Thank you guys so much. You have all given such great advice, and I'm glad you're allowing me to see more clearly.

My question is this: I checked out the Rules of the 180 that someone mentioned, and this seems very much like the strategy my mom is adopting now (I know for a fact she has Surviving an Affair on her bookshelf). How would you guys suggest modifying the rules to fit a daughter's relationship with her cheating father?


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## Mandynga (Jan 11, 2013)

Lovingwife315 said:


> CD-
> 
> Her dad and I have been together for 18 yrs, and have 2 other children age 15 and 6. Her dad moved out on Jan 1st and is still in contact with the OW, but still comes around trying to see if there is anything left with me, I think. He may be in a MLC but not sure, either way he is causing so much damage, and seeing my daughter is not alone....


Wow LW315 your situation sounds so much like mine, I have a 19 year old daughter (which is his step daughter) and two kids with him 16 and 12. He found a childhood friend on FB while we were going through some issues and moved out Aug2011 "needing space" daughter overheard him on the phone with the OW prior to him moving out...she was devastated. He moved back in Jan2012 then started getting weird again we decided we needed a change of environment and moved to a house May 2012...just found out before thanksgiving the OW is pregnant!!! Due Feb2013. 

The kids don't know yet. I can only imagine the devastation and I wouldn't doubt if my teens threatened call her out on FB. 

To CD: let your dad know how you feel, either verbally or in a letter. He needs to know his decisions don't just hurt his wife, you all are a family. My heart goes out to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't worry about posting here. You are, after all, Coping With Infidelity, the infidelity of your father.

When you write to your father tell him that he is cheating on not only your mother but also on you, too.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Just wanted to say to you I think you are a great young woman. Your parents must be so proud of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConfusedDaughter said:


> I just want to thank everyone for their kind words, support, and thoughtful comments and advice. This is exactly what I needed and I am so glad I found this place. I can already tell that this is an extremely loving and uplifting community, and I very well may send my mother here for her own support.
> 
> I've taken a while to respond to some of the comments because I've spent the day mulling them over. My dad and I spent the day together, and for once I was able to put all of my paranoia aside for a few hours. It gave me some clarity, and I'm glad I'll be going back to school on a more cheerful note with him than the utter devastation I felt yesterday.
> 
> ...


The purpose of the 180 that I think you are talking about .. .the one linked to in my sig block below or one like it... for the betrayed spouse to help them handle it while they are waiting for their spouse to end the affair.

The true concept of a 180 is to behave in a matter the oposite form how you would normally behave to get the other person to make changes. 


So what changes do you want your father to make in regards to YOU. Not in regards to your Mom.


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## ConfusedDaughter (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The purpose of the 180 that I think you are talking about .. .the one linked to in my sig block below or one like it... for the betrayed spouse to help them handle it while they are waiting for their spouse to end the affair.
> 
> The true concept of a 180 is to behave in a matter the oposite form how you would normally behave to get the other person to make changes.
> 
> ...


1). First of all, I want him to cease contact with me for a few weeks, or as many as needed for him to do what I feel like I need him to do before we repair our relationship, regardless of what happens between him and my mom. I don't want phone calls, texts, emails, or visits, and I will not be going home. If he contacts me, I won't respond. I think it's the best thing for me and if it's the kind of incentive he needs to get his head out of this stupid fog and realize what damage he's done, then so be it. If my stipulations are not met, then he is not to contact me at all for the foreseeable future. This isn't an empty threat and I'm not budging on it. 

2). He must see an IC and make some progress. If he goes and doesn't like it, he needs to find a new IC. He's not only damaging our family with his affair, he's damaging himself, and he has a lot of things my mom has encouraged him to seek counseling over for a lot of years, but he's never done it. 

3). He has to end the affair. I don't care if he and my mom do end up splitting up. I am not going to be in his life while the OW is there. It's his choice. I don't want to force him into anything, but as of now I see no possible route to forgiveness and a relationship between the two of us if he chooses her. The choice is his to make, but I also have the right to a choice. This is my boundary, and if it isn't respected, I will simply not tolerate it. The no-contact request will become permanent. As an adult, it is my choice if I have a relationship with my father or not. If he continues the affair or lies to me in any way, I will make this choice. If he eventually decides to ultimately marry the woman after divorcing my mother, which to my knowledge he has no intent to do, we will cross that bridge when we get there, and I will certainly have my boundaries then, as I am never going to have a relationship with this woman.

4). Most importantly, the change I want is for him to respect my boundaries and treat me with the respect that he obviously threw out the window when he started this affair and hurt our family. I want to trust him again, I want a relationship, and I want respect for him. He has to earn those things, and I have to know he is willing to change before I can move toward forgiveness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you have a good list there of what you want from him.

I think that the entier 180 applies... but for example where it says do not schedule dates.... well don't schedule time to see him.

His relationship with the OW will most likely not last long at all if he leaves your mother. There is hardly any chance that she will be in his life long term.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

It always hurts to see the truly innocent victims of all of these cases of adultery. My best wishes are with you.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

You are so very wise beyond your years. I hope hearing and seeing the pain he's putting you through is enough to straighten him up. I'm sorry you were put in the middle, life is just so unfair at times.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> I'm so sorry you are here...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think Mom is already here.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> I think Mom is already here.


Good deal!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

CD - I think you are an amazing young woman. Take care of you first and follow the advice of the great people here.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

ConfusedDaughter said:


> Let me start by saying that 1. I am aware this site is meant for adults with marital experience.
> 
> 2. Obviously, this was the thing that brought my whole world crashing down. Ever since my mother told me months ago, I haven’t slept much more than naps between classes, I’ve dropped nearly 30 pounds, I’m constantly starting fights with my own boyfriend of a year, my hair is falling out, I have migraines and frequently vomit from worrying too much. I’m paranoid about everything.
> 
> ...


1. This site is meant for anybody affected by affairs. You'll find a lot of welcoming, intelligent people here. Listen to what they have to say, there are patterns in affairs and most advice is universally applicable. Welcome, and sorry you need to be here.

2. Your reactions are normal. After D-day I slept for 6 hours over 7 days. Dropped 30 pounds the first month. It's 4 months later and I still hyperventilate, have sudden fits of rage, cry spontaneously...don't fight it just let it out. Even if your situation doesn't improve, your physical reactions will over time. Expect a few months of this at least, but each month gets a little better.

3. I know you're in your prime drinking years...but don't drink. Seriously. Abstain while you're in the heat of the trauma, at least for a year. Addiction develops slowly and without notice, and you don't need another "gift" added to the aftermath.

4. Kudos to you for acknowledging you need professional help. Lots of people think they can tough it out on their own. It's likely from the symptoms you described you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that's something you can't just tough out. Also get antidepressants pronto.

5. You may be his daughter, but he's the child. Take every opportunity to express your grief. Also, contact the OW's family and let them know you'd like the ***** to stop dating your married father. Ask your dad if it's okay for you to date a married man. Give him hell. And don't be afraid when he gets angry, tries to put you in your place, demands your respect because he's your father etc. You get to be the authority here if you choose to, because he is wrong and you are right.

6. Do it. And consider sending him a link to this post. It'll help if he sees your unfiltered thoughts and the opinions of the general public on his behavior. And if you do that, let me tell him: Sir, it's sad that your daughter has exhausted every avenue she could think of to stop your immoral, destructive relationship. Daughters look to their fathers as models of men they should seek to become their own husbands. You're conditioning your daughter to marry a man who will betray her and toss her aside like she doesn't matter.

7. No contact is the usual remedy prescribed here for betrayed spouses...since you're a betrayed daughter I don't think it's incumbent upon you, but if you feel capable of doing so, you have every right not to see your father until he ends the affair.


I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. I don't doubt for a second that your dad is a good guy. But even good people do very bad things. Do yourself a favor and chisel it into your brain that this is not the way men are supposed to treat their wives. He may be a great role model in every other aspect, but know your dad has failed here, and never accept cheating from anybody in your life. 

It may be that your dad doesn't end the affair. Don't blame yourself, and don't let your mom blame herself. You all have responsibility for any familial discord, but how each of you reacts to problems is your own choice. And your dad made the choice to run away rather than resolve whatever was bothering him. Forfeiting destroys character, standing by commitment builds it.

You seem like a very strong woman. We're here to support you.


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## ConfusedDaughter (Jan 11, 2013)

Louise7 said:


> I think Mom is already here.


I don't think that's her, but that would really be bizarre if it was, wouldn't it? 

Everything you guys are posting is just a huge help to alleviate some of this weight. I apologized to my boyfriend earlier, and he's being incredible. I'm so lucky to have him standing by me through this. It feels like I can finally see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and now I'm starting to feel hopeful about getting better and supporting my mom in whatever she chooses to do. Thank you so much.

I am, however, nervous about starting IC. I've been raised with a certain level of distrust toward doctors via my parents, and that goes double for shrinks. I don't agree with them, but those are just the attitudes I've been surrounded by my whole life. What were your experiences starting IC and how they approached coping with infidelity with you?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You have to trust and feel comfortable with your counsellor. If you don't, ask to see somebody else. Don't feel badly about doing that. 

The first session should be looked at as an interview - you are under no obligation to continue with a counsillor you don't feel comfortable with. ETA: when I say "interview" I just mean, get a sense of whether you feel comfortable. You will be doing most of the talking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD22 is getting a PhD in psychology. She's a senior in college now, and the amount of knowledge she's gained just at this point is amazing. They DO know a LOT about how to help people. It's their expertise - let them use it for you.

Good that you're going to talk to him. If he refuses to stop, be prepared to help your mom move on and out.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

A counselor is not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist' is just a medical doctor who writes prescriptions for mental illnesses. They don't do therapy. If you feel like you need something for anxiety then see one, but don't expect therapy. 
I've been in counseling a LOT due to a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive father. I can't even keep track of a the counselors I've seen in the past 25 years. You need to feel comfortable with them. There will be times when they might possibly ask questions you don't want to answer, and that might make you uncomfortable. But it can take a few tries to find a good fit. 
I'm guessing one of the things that is of concern is going to be helping you maintain your boundaries. You're doing a great job of setting them. It's an amazing beginning. 
I can't believe you are only 18. 
As you communicate these boundaries and your father reacts to them, you are going to need support working through what comes up. 
I'm not sure why but what you describe is similar to how I felt when my parents divorced when I was 24. I had confronted him about molesting me and it was like D day, and my mom ended up divorcing him. I even asked for no contact for a while and he couldn't even give me that. 
Not to take away from your thread. I'm just surprised by how similar our experiences were.

I highly recommend the book "toxic parents". It's an excellent guide to managing relationships with dysfunctional parents and setting boundaries. 

Also I know you are angry with OW, but it's not likely that she went into this believing that she was breaking up a happy family. 
Most men who cheat follow a script about how they are in a bad marriage, their wife doesn't support them, they are thinking of divorce. Eventually both parties believe this and it becomes their truth. They rewrite history and will sometimes actually convince themselves they never loved their spouse and it was all a mistake. That being said, you have every right to your anger. I just thought you should know that.

I just really want to emphasize to you since I was an adult watching my parents divorce and now I am a divorced parent that there are so many things that you don't know about, and honestly you shouldn't know about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

"Also I know you are angry with OW, but it's not likely that she went into this believing that she was breaking up a happy family."

I understand your point to some degree but going into it breaking up an "unhappy" family is more plausible? First of all, making a decision based on a one-sided story, is ridiculous and motivated by other factors (probably more unsavory). I could agree some OWs are naiive, maybe because of their age and the lack of understanding that it takes two to make a marriage, a relationship etc. work and two to break it. Your anger is valid and appropriately placed. Your father couldn't cheat if there wasn't someone out there dumb enough to believe a one-sided story and join in the coup d'etat of a family. A majority of APs are really sick puppies themselves.

Case in point: A married co-worker tried to tell me how bad things were between his wife and himself, after eyeing me for a few days and finding excuses for me to help him with some work in his office. I told him to go see a counselor. Boundary set, message sent.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

My heart goes out to you, and I think you have a good plan for your own recovery. My own daughter was 19 when I discovered my H's infidelity. Only due to her presence in the home during summer break, did I reconsider throwing my husband out(which I am convinced would have led to serious seperation, divorce) and attempt to save our marriage. I knew in my heart she would have been devastated like you and I couldn't bear for her and our other adult children to suffer like that and lose respect for their father especially if we were to reconcile. Besides as your story shows, it wasn't their tragedy to endure. 18 months after Dday, my husband and I are still surviving, still healing but it has not be easy and neither will it be for you and mom. Please follow the good advice, stay strong, stay centered,but don't isolate yourself and learn stress-coping techniques and know that it will get better after time whether or not your parents' marriage survives...A very good book to read in recovering from any type of betrayal is "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis A. Spring.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm in no way saying the OW is without blame. I was trying to point out the complexity of these situations. Being an 18 year old, she might not know these things yet. It's too bad that she has to learn about them.
OP I hope that things get better for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> A counselor is not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist' is just a medical doctor who writes prescriptions for mental illnesses. They don't do therapy.


Exactly. What you need is a psychologist. If you need meds, the psychologist will send you to the psychiatrist for the meds.


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