# A single wife?



## ConcernedandConfused (Feb 22, 2012)

Lil back story first. My wife and I have been married for almost twelve years and together for almost five before that. My wife is a tomboy, and not much of a girly girl. She's always been more drawn to guys as friends versus other girls, not to say she doesn't have girl friends. We have two kids, one grown and in college while the other is still in grade school. I work, freelance and help a friends band with booking and management. She works from home and now participates in the local roller derby team. 

When I decided to help my friends band out a bunch of my time was swept away from home, her and the kids both justly and not. There were times where it was strictly business and other times when I was just enjoying the fun of being with the band. This behavior came to a head and I was called out for it, of which adjustments were made. Keep in mind, I'm always faithful, not a ladies man, nor do I think of myself as something that would be pursued. So, being with the band was more of a friendship thing more than others and when it came to women I was not on the prowl nor exuding any game. A few arguments of inequality and being gone all time and now I've pretty much rationed what is or isn't with the band. My freelance time and work time were never an issue as those made money.

Flash forward to derby time. Derby practice started out as Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday practice. Keep in mind most of the derby team is single or divorced. Slowly but surely,"hey gonna go get a drink after practice" started creeping in. No worries, we are equal and she can go hang with the girls. I kept a diary noting my times out and her times out over a period of time after this. The ratio was 2 to 1 in her favor. Also, it's not just girls she's hanging out with. There are a notorious few guys at the bar that basically fight for, game on, hit on, **** and throw away girls. None of them have any qualms with sleeping with anything married or not. It's of no consequence to them. Shall we say morally challenged. More and more nights are turning into a few drinks after practice into coming home in the AM. I caught her once sitting outside in her car laying there. When asked why, she said because she felt sick. I don't have doubts or trust issues with my wife fully, but it's the things outside of her faith in me that I worry about. There have been times when her and myself have had a wild night out and she doesn't remember things that happened to her. These guys have all told me that they are jealous and covet that which I have. My wife's hot and I know it. Think of Sandler and Beckinsale in Click.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something, over thinking something or rightfully concerned. I do know if I approach with this issue, inequality will come up again or I will be accused of cheaters guilt or maybe even be told I'm right. I don't know. Concerned and Confused is right. Any insight?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

ConcernedandConfused said:


> Lil back story first. My wife and I have been married for almost twelve years and together for almost five before that. My wife is a tomboy, and not much of a girly girl. She's always been more drawn to guys as friends versus other girls, not to say she doesn't have girl friends. We have two kids, one grown and in college while the other is still in grade school. I work, freelance and help a friends band with booking and management. She works from home and now participates in the local roller derby team.
> 
> When I decided to help my friends band out a bunch of my time was swept away from home, her and the kids both justly and not. There were times where it was strictly business and other times when I was just enjoying the fun of being with the band. This behavior came to a head and I was called out for it, of which adjustments were made. Keep in mind, I'm always faithful, not a ladies man, nor do I think of myself as something that would be pursued. So, being with the band was more of a friendship thing more than others and when it came to women I was not on the prowl nor exuding any game. A few arguments of inequality and being gone all time and now I've pretty much rationed what is or isn't with the band. My freelance time and work time were never an issue as those made money.
> 
> ...


It would be silly not to say anything, but you need to choose your words carefully. First off, throw away any accounting of her time out over yours. This is unloving and will only work against you. Personally, I approach this issue by trying to get an agreement that we will spend a certain amount of uninterrupted one on one time together. With an agreement in hand, if "our time "conflicts with "her time", I try to get it resolved in my favor. This involves planning and staging activities that compete effectively with "pretending you're single when you're married" and it can take some time and expense. I also talk up the benefits of relationship. Drinking and bars are kind of dark anyway.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

You will never know until you ask and it sounds like you need to talk about it.

Most spouses wouldn't like her behaviour and it sounds like she didn't like it when you did it.

Drunk and I can't remember can be true and or an excuse for a lot of things. Truly blacking out is often a sign of alcoholism and at the very least, I'm a little unclear if she is driving in that state.

You need to find a way to raise the issue without attacking her or immediately putting her on the defensive. Start with concern and your own feelings and not "you shouldn't....."


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If she routinely drinks to the point of blacking out (not remembering, vs. passing out, which is being unconscious), and/or getting sick, then she has a serious drinking problem. 

I'd ask her about this, honestly. If she is going out and drinking more, then she is probably not really happy at home. If she was just going out for a weekly "girls night out" to dance crazy but was otherwise exhibiting responsible behavior, then you wouldn't be concerned. The pattern of both amount of time and extent of drinking increasing would concern me--and remember, you may be behaving well on your time away, but it is still time spent with others. If you are out 2-3 nights a week, she has gotten the message that "together time" isn't very important to you. Unfortunately, she may be harboring resentment about this, which could be part of the reason her pattern has escalated. If you can agree to re-commit to demonstrating a value for time together/family time, and both of you cut back to maybe 1 night/week out, then great. If she's already cheating, of course, you have a whole 'nother problem.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'd talk to her. My instinct says that she's NOT cheating but getting a bit carried away. Maybe she's going through a "mid life" crisis (many her age do) and is trying to recapture her youth and after what you did, she feels entitled to have her turn but as they say "Two wrongs don't make a right." 

Maybe she would be entitled if she hadn't called you out on YOUR extracurricular activities with the band and had you stop. You accommodated her needs/demands and now she's going and doing the same thing and then some? I call "foul play" on this. You are bothered with her behavior and she is acting in an inappropriate manner so now it's your turn to step up and speak to her. 

I'd do it calmly and reasonably. If you get all upset on her she will get defensive and angry and it'll go nowhere. Just point out that when she was upset with your activities you made a real effort to change and you'd like the same consideration from her. 

I had a similar situation with my husband. I had problems with his doing "his thing" but felt entitled to do mine. He grew resentful and angry and had every right to feel that way. 

I made a decision that it was important to me to have an independent, active lifestyle apart from our relationship and I had no choice but to give him that same option so if I want to go out for a day of kayaking or have dinner with my friends then he has the right to go play poker or go fishing with his buds. It's only fair. 

It's worked out very well for us but it's not for everyone. You two might have to agree to stop the socializing/hanging out outside of being a couple if it's going to be a big issue. 

You might want to think about meeting her after her practice and hanging out with her and eyeballing the situation, if only to reassure yourself and make your presence known to the other guys there.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I have no idea whether there is cheating or no cheating from what is posted. Partners need to have time with their friends no doubt. 

I would suggest that first, the time you have together have the priority. Meaning guy time aside if she is out two to three times a week getting drunk with anyone and staying out late there are problems IMO.

I think having true marriage freindly GNOs is essential.
Once a week maybe but it really depends on the activities and whether or not that infringes on couple time. YMMV. In theory there is not some magic number. It depends. Getting sh!tfaced drunk is not good period. But if it happens at someones home with a group of women and she gets a ride home from you, then maybe once in a while is ok. If she is driving this drunk then that is bad. Real bad.

Now add the group she is in. It is one thing to stop in and have "a" drink with the mixed group. It is quite another thing to be getting drunk with a mixed group. If one is not trustworthy enough to say one drink and leave then they should not be drinking with a group like this. But in reality this is a singles group of folks. It would make most sense to me anyway, that if she went to these you would attend with her as a couple.

From a guys perspective, I am seeing her as fair game. She is putting herself into this situation. I am not saying I condone guys hitting on married women. I am saying that many of not most would see her as on the market. She is putting herself out there. Why? If she is getting this drunk, sooner or later things are going to happen you would not feel real good about. The easiest scenario is that they take her keys away because she is drunk and one of the guys takes her home. Sure that is thoughtful, but the better scenario is calling you and having you pick her up. If she is that drunk, getting ina car with a predator type could get ugly.

But it comes down to boundaries. It sounds like you guys need to do His Needs Her Needs and agree on your boundaries.

So the band you hung out with was a mixed group of single and / or divorced folks? Just trying to see if it was equivalent. Also you guys got drunk or whatever?

You have to setup boundaries that work for yoiu guys. BUT, be forwarned if you set them up like a very Beat Nice Guy and are not firm on what your real boundaries are ... you will endure much pain. Be honest.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I have to agree with Entropy here. I think your wife is setting herself up for a real problem if she hasn't run into one already, especially if she is the main source of entertainment at the party..getting falling down drunk, driving home drunk, in a rowdy crowd with a bunch of horny men lusting after her, etc, etc. All really bad stuff.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

C&C, your story is a trigger for me... in my situation it wasn't derby it was dance class. Started out one night a week in the fall, in spring it was 2 classes so two nights a week, and of course recitals, rehearsals, fundraising concerts... 2 classes became 4, and of course she met all sorts of new people, mostly younger single women. And I never really knew them, all they knew of me is whatever my W chose to tell or withhold about me.

Getting a drink after class once in awhile turned into a regular occurence, and of course it meant getting a meal too since they worked out so hard. Eventually since they were going out afterwards so much it turned into her coming home to shower and change before going out... I'm not sure at which point exactly it all went from something healthy (exercise and social activity) to something so destructive... on top of it were the scheduled GNO's with the same group. It took less than two years for us to go from a happy but exhausted married couple to her checking out deciding she was better than I (since she danced and I didn't I suppose) and seeking out guys at the bar to pick her up on the dance floor to take home and screw... and convince her that she was never in love with me and that "we" both deserved someone that would make us happy in life (not believing me when I was pleading with her to understand she DID make me happy, or so she did when she was checked into the marriage anyhow).

Towards the end before I realized there was infidelity I also was keeping track of her time out, and how much each of us was spending with our son --- I realized our home was just a place for her to crash and pretend was good so she could play the den mother role with these young single girls she partied with. I would keep your daily journal, it will help you keep track, keep your grasp on reality because I guarantee that you W has convinced herself that she is not taking more than she is giving... it may take cold hard facts to wake her out of the destructive lifestyle she is trying to pursue. The journal also helps you keep your own thoughts straight without having to worry about holding certain thoughts in your head, and worst case scenario will protect you legally if (heaven forbid) you divorce or separate.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow Lon, that's a nasty situation. It makes me believe seriously that a lot of people DO go through a "midlife" crisis (somewhere between 30-50 it seems) and this is how they "act out". I did it too but fortunately it never involved screwing around with other men. 

I've always been into my hobbies, even as a kid, so I guess I find it hard to believe how a simple activity like dancing could evolve into something that should be on _Dr Phil_ or a soap opera.:scratchhead: I've ALWAYS gone off and done a bunch of hobbies on my own. I still do.

What you described is close to what happened to me in my "bad years" (about 12 years ago) when I fell in with a bad crowd and we did the drunken partying bit. Fortunately I never went to that "bad place" but it wasn't a nice group of people. I figured it out and literally dropped that hobby/group for a better one but it could've been a bad result if I hadn't come to the conclusion I did. 

But I've seen what you've described. It happens and it's no wonder that so many spouses are suspicious and upset when their husband/wife goes off and does something without them on a regular basis and it "evolves" from just a hobby to a new lifestyle. 

Often, even happily married people occasionally need to go off and do their "own thing" and have their own friends and hobbies individually. It takes a lot of pressure off the marriage to not have to do EVERYTHING together. Some want it that way but I think many like having their own space from time to time. It's a natural phenomenon. 

It would be nice if each person could just go off and have their respective hobbies and friends and not worry about what the other is doing. Every Sunday I go off to my white water kayaking pool session (I'm learning to roll my boat) for about 2 hours. The club goes out afterwards for lunch but I don't go because I need to get stuff done before the work week starts but I could go if I wanted. It's just a nice middle aged bunch of people who are into kayaking. But what if it was more? My husband would never know. There has to be an implicit amount of trust for this to happen and when that's betrayed it's a really bad thing. 

I guess you have to figure out what's an acceptable situation and what's not. Going out and doing a fun activity with friends IMO is fine. Going out and getting drunk and staying out to all hours and impacting your marriage and family life is not good. There IS a line in the sand and it seems a lot of people don't see it, recognize it and figure out that it's not good to cross it.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey Freaky, what was nasty was watching it happen and feeling helpless to do anything about it... even worse, feeling guilty to stand in the way of your spouse's happiness. It was like watching her drift away and the more I wanted to grab her and pull her back the more I missed and pushed her away.

I am learning it really is about boundaries, which is why I have been so passionate on threads dealing with GNO's - if we had boundaries she wouldn't have drifted so far out without me being able to go retrieve her. As a typical NG (doormat) I felt that boundaries would have boxed her in and made her despise me and so was afraid to state them, but in the end not having those boundaries probably made her despise me for letting her get too far from home (even if she doesn't realize it now like I do).

It is not all my fault, but I was part of the dynamic, and I sure wish I (or the MC who we went to under dire moments) understood then how important it was to establish those boundaries more explicitly and explain the danger of going outside the boundaries. And of course these boundaries apply to me also - I look now and don't even know what or where they were, of course I have implicit boundaries based on my core values but after going through this kind of trauma they tend to all get reset and I'm trying to figure them out all over again, sometimes they are different than before and my goal is to make sure I am not limiting myself and when I find someone to have a relationship that we are compatible that way.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry mang....but if your wife is beckinsale and you're sandler wtf are you doing chillin with an old man band instead of at home with her?

God I love me some beckinsale.


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I kind of wonder why you are not doing the activities she does together????

If it is a kid issue get someone to watch them then you go out with her and she what she does. Heck the might even help bond you two more. Or alteast is shows the other guys she is yours and hands off.


----------

