# Don't know what to do



## didntseeit (Dec 20, 2009)

Hi, this is my first time doing this, so bear with me.

My wife told me 3 months ago that she was leaving for a month and hasn't been back since.

She went to another state. The reason was because she wanted to clear her head and help some family members. We made some bad decisions at the beginning of '09 concerning family, money, jobs and friends. We were both hurt because our trust was violated. She quit her job because of an altercation and did not feel comfortable there anymore. That is also when she started making plans for her "epiphany". 

I love my wife very much and all I want is for her to be happy. After a month and a half went by, I basically told her I need her to come home. We were doing good financially before she quit her job, but now we are struggling. She basically said that she felt like she steered our marriage in the wrong direction and considered a divorce because of the distance that came between us emotionally, but that being away was starting to help.

Since then, I have felt hurt that the one person who is supposed to be there for me when times get tough just basically turned her back on me. I also didn't know she was considering divorce. A few days ago, I told her how I felt. She apologized. I also told her that I feel that she left because she wanted a separation and that if that's what she wants, don't let the ties that bind with me stop her. All I want for my wife is to be happy even if it means that it isn't with me. I want for our marriage to work (I have told her this). Currently, the only way we communicate is through emails. Her last response was "I love you and no matter what, I always will". To me, that's a vague statement. She hasn't contacted in 2 days now and i am starting to worry.

Did I do the right thing in telling her how I felt? Will our marriage make it?

I love my wife with all my heart and want so desperately for it to work.

Any advice would be much appreciated.


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## didntseeit (Dec 20, 2009)

By the way, we have been together for 3 years and will be married for 2 years in March.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Seems like a bunch of mixed messages and more BS than truth. Talking only by email is just unacceptable communication. She's basically AWOL and that is totally unacceptable.

Step one is cut off any access she has to shared money. She's not earning anything and is probably living it up on your dollar. Frankly you haven't ruled out another man in the picture either, so I'm sure you agree it's not in your best interest to support her sex holiday. Open a new account, funnel all the money you can into there. Cancel/freeze any credit cards she has that you also have your name on.

Step two is to fire her as your wife. Look you don't show up for work twice no call no show, you're fired everywhere else. Why not marriage?  She's going to be gone on this trip for as long as you allow her to be gone. Tell her you're filing for a divorce for reasons of abandonment.

Step three is get the house valued and put it on the market for sale. She'll have to sign to do this in all likelihood. Note that you don't have to accept an offer on the house if you don't want to, just it's a proactive "this is really serious business" move.

Steps 1-3 should get her attention. If she expresses interest in coming home, and "reapply for her job as your wife", she has to get another job, come clean on everything she was doing on her break, and to be quite blunt - she needs an STD test.


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## didntseeit (Dec 20, 2009)

I do agree that email communication sucks. 

She doesn't really have access to my money, hell I don't have access to my money, lol (it all goes on bills and rent, and that's the things I can pay). 

The issue with "another man" has crossed my mind as there was an "old friend" she reconnected with after years apart. I refer to that as one of those bad decisions because she developed feelings for him, she denies it but I know better. 

There isn't any property involved. We rent.

I know she is depressed. I am too, but I feel like the only who is suffering. 

I don't want a divorce, if it comes to that she will have to initiate it because its not what I want.

Things haven't always been like this, our first 2 years together were awesome. It's only when we tried to help out another family member (hers) did things go down hill. It was like a domino effect, things just got worse for us. Job, friends, housing, finances. 2009 has been a very bad year for the both of us. Since she has been gone, I've been through that whole breakup process (we aren't even broke up) once and am starting the process again. I just wanna know is there any hope for us after having been through this process.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Wow Ath- a little blunt and cold arent you?...LOL While you are 100% correct, didntseeit(DSI) is still in the denial phase. DSI- she most likely is taken advantage of youre gripping on to the marriage for dear life. While Ath's 1-3 steps are things you definitely should do, you have to emotionally prepare yourself. If you've been waiting and holding on to every word for three months, its because you are avoiding that pain of rejection. While it is going to hurt, its better to get the whole process started, than living in limbo waiting for the inevitable. You deserve so much better. I would get the mind set like she's cheating and get angry...its more energizing than the painful feelings of rejection. Give yourself time and expect waves of different emotions for awhile. You will get through. Retain a lawyer...file papers for separation and divorce based on abandonment. Dont let her on to what youre doing, serving papers is a must and better when unexpected. When served, she has to respond within 30 days or you do default and get granted divorce quicker. Just advice for when youre ready. Good luck.


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## didntseeit (Dec 20, 2009)

Very good advice from all so far. It's only been 3 months. Should I wait for her to come back home and try counseling. I have been in counseling already just to get over the first phase I went through. And I definitely agree that I am in denial at this time. It hurts so bad. I have the address of where shes staying, should I "pop up"?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

didntseeit said:


> Very good advice from all so far. It's only been 3 months. Should I wait for her to come back home and try counseling. I have been in counseling already just to get over the first phase I went through. And I definitely agree that I am in denial at this time. It hurts so bad. I have the address of where shes staying, should I "pop up"?


Yes I think you should pay her a visit. Personally I'd do it unannounced as well. A man doesn't need to make an appointment to see his wife. Also it will be interesting to see how things are where she is without giving her time to prep anything.

Personally I think this away thing is going to last as long as you let it. The longer it goes on the worse your chances are of ever getting her back. (or even wanting her back)

My approach would be that she needs to be completely honest with you, or that you're just going to assume she's cheating on you. If she's not cheating on you, there's really no reason she shouldn't be with you.

Good Luck!


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## spidergirl (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi didntseeit,

I feel for you, it's so difficult being away from the person you loved. I understand what you're going through because my husband and I also separated for a week (I went back home because we needed space)

When you're already having relationship problems, space is not a good thing. If you can, try and go there to see her and talk to her in person. Being with her family might be fading her love/memories of you and your relationship together.

If you can't go see her, then you need to stop being the one to contact her, let me make that effort if she really wants to be with you.

Right now she's probably thinking you're sitting at home waiting for her, regardless of how much time she takes. 

Tell her that you're here but she shouldn't expect you to sit around waiting for you. You can't put your life on hold for her, and you shouldn't

Best of luck


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## didntseeit (Dec 20, 2009)

Thanks to both of you for your advice. I think an unexpected visit is in order. If anything, I might be able to get closure, if it comes to that.

spidergirl, I hope your situation gets better. No woman deserves to go through what you're going through. Just know that there are still good men out there.


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