# New Here and Need Advice



## rumi1 (Apr 15, 2018)

I have been reading all of the advice and tips, and am grateful there is a forum like this. Here is my story. Been with my husband since 2003, married in 2006. I was 25 when we got married. Over the years, we have had issues. Once he moved out for a couple months, we got counseling. The issues were lack of effort on his end. No kids. We travel a lot, are always doing something adventureous, and I have many hobbies. Here we are in 2018. I am burnt out, I plan everything, from the vacations, to our outings, to maintaining friendships with our friends and family. I plan dinners, clean the house, etc. We both work full time jobs. He maintains no relationships, from me to his own brothers and friends. He has admitted he has a problem. That he doesn't know when he is supposed to call, or how he's supposed to maintain relationships. Seriously?? Hugs and kisses, and I love you is rare from him. Even though I know he loves me. I just am not emotionally or physically fulfilled (did I mention our sex life sucks). He literally can't even pick a restaurant for dinner. I have told him I am unhappy. I really feel it's simple: show me you care, sweet little things. OCCASIONALLY a plan something, affection, etc. But everything always gets put back on me. Well you're always angry, so how am I to do that? My job is super stressful, and I don't always have time to plan, I help around the house and do the things you dont' want to do. I can cook dinner (the point is you will start it, yes, but you never actually plan it, get the stuff, find your own something to make). I need to verbally tell him what I need and he will do it (that defeats the purpose). I feel like he's a passenger in life, and, is compliant to do anything, but it's like I have a giant child. I shouldn't have to tell you how to maintain our marriage. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He's a great person. But I feel like if I walked away tomorrow, he would have this problem with anyone, and in a way I feel sorry for him. I just don't know what to do. My family would think I am nuts to leave such a good guy, but I am losing my spark just being so upset all the time.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Stop trying to do everything. Stop planning get togethers for the family, let someone in the family take on that role and if they dont...just let it be. 

Stop making plans for your husband and you reachinh out for him to stay connected. If he cant call his family then so be it. 

Seems like getting family together is your thing. If its important to you more than him, you can blame him fir that.

Go on a vacation on your own, just pick and go. No planning. Cook for you. Hire a cleaner.

Now, the sex part must be addressed...dont lump this with evrything else. 

Goid luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

rumi1 said:


> I have been reading all of the advice and tips, and am grateful there is a forum like this. Here is my story. Been with my husband since 2003, married in 2006. I was 25 when we got married. Over the years, we have had issues. Once he moved out for a couple months, we got counseling. The issues were lack of effort on his end. No kids. We travel a lot, are always doing something adventureous, and I have many hobbies. Here we are in 2018. I am burnt out, I plan everything, from the vacations, to our outings, to maintaining friendships with our friends and family. I plan dinners, clean the house, etc. We both work full time jobs. He maintains no relationships, from me to his own brothers and friends. He has admitted he has a problem. That he doesn't know when he is supposed to call, or how he's supposed to maintain relationships. Seriously?? Hugs and kisses, and I love you is rare from him. Even though I know he loves me. I just am not emotionally or physically fulfilled (did I mention our sex life sucks). He literally can't even pick a restaurant for dinner. I have told him I am unhappy. I really feel it's simple: show me you care, sweet little things. OCCASIONALLY a plan something, affection, etc. But everything always gets put back on me. Well you're always angry, so how am I to do that? My job is super stressful, and I don't always have time to plan, I help around the house and do the things you dont' want to do. I can cook dinner (the point is you will start it, yes, but you never actually plan it, get the stuff, find your own something to make). I need to verbally tell him what I need and he will do it (that defeats the purpose). I feel like he's a passenger in life, and, is compliant to do anything, but it's like I have a giant child. I shouldn't have to tell you how to maintain our marriage. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He's a great person. But I feel like if I walked away tomorrow, he would have this problem with anyone, and in a way I feel sorry for him. I just don't know what to do. My family would think I am nuts to leave such a good guy, but I am losing my spark just being so upset all the time.


I read what you wrote.
Some things that stick out to me:

If you ask him to do something, he does it.
Your family thinks he’s a great guy.
“Well you’re always angry, do how am I supppised go do that?”

My point with these quotes is this:
You have changed your mindset toward your husband. You have chosen to be chronically unhappy with him.
Of course your sex life isn’t good—- you carry into the bedroom constant resentment vs desire and love. And I assure you, if the love was there, the good sec would be, too. He doesn’t have to have a big ****, great pecs, flawless technique, EFFORT or anything else during sex/— if you were in love with him and desired him.

My suggestion is:

Go see a marriage counselor if you’re not in an emotional affair with someone else and still love him at least a little. I say that because what you wrote is almost textbook for what a person in an affair would say about their spouse.

Learn to HELP your husband learn to be better. Everyone’s gift is not social interaction. He may just be very much an introvert. But based on what you have said, he WANTS to please you.
Show him how. Don’t feel anger when you have to tell him what you want. He’s not a mind reader.

You could fix this if you wanted. Yes, he’s not perfect. I assure you, something is wrong on your end as well. Why? Because good sex happens when you’re BOTH wanting one another, no matter what. You’ve stopped wanting him. He senses that, and it kills his passion for you, too.

You have got to change your attitude of anger and resentment or your marriage is doomed.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

It's been 15 years and no change. You've done counseling and no change. You need to ask yourself why you're still in this relationship. Fear of being alone? Fear the next guy will be worse? Your husband is who is he. There's no rational reason to believe he's going to change at this point. Continuing to focus on him and his shortcomings is just a way of allowing you to not have to make a decision. This is 100% about you now and making a decision about what you're going to do with your life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What @Evinrude58 said.
...................................................................................................................

I wiil add a little, a little later then he.

This is a phase, a stage that most people go through. This mid-life phase.
You are at that age where introspection pores through, over reads, overrides all senses not common.

You are not happy, nor clappy at the progress thus far made. In life, in your marriage.

You are under tension and you are looking for a reason for this tension.
You are looking for a relief valve, somehow to let off steam.

The closest thing, the handiest thing is one's spouse. They, them to blame.

The funny thing about tension, about anxiety, it colors all your dealings, it tints blue all that comes in contact with you, with it.

Your husband is a minor player in all this. 
The major player, the bigger culprit is work and home responsibilities, is bad news on the Telly.

The anxiety Is not having time to tie your shoes.

Wait until you have a house full of kids.....

Then your hands will be tied, along with your feet, your time, your life. 

You will be tied to the wheel, tied to the mast of a seemingly fast, sinking ship.

All those that have gone this way before you know that it will get worse before it gets better.

Listen not to those voices that tell you to bail. To bail before your marriage takes on water.

At this stage, this phase, you are ripe for something. A divorce, an affair.

At this point, I recommend neither. Certainly not the latter.




TH8-


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

But what are his strengths? What made you fall in love with him in the first place?


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## rumi1 (Apr 15, 2018)

I do not think this is a mid life anything, because it's been going on and off for years. He will try for a bit, and just go back to acting like a relationship maintains itself. I do agree that my mind set has changed. Maybe counseling. But, after 15 years, I feel deflated. I'm tired of trying, and I guess I want him to step up. I fell in love with how handsome he was/is, a hard worker, open minded, easy going, and a rational thinker. a problem solver. But what's been lacking for years is passion, an intimacy beyond sex....even basic things. Like a decent birthday gift. Never pays attention to the small things. CAn that change? Or do men/women find themselves where they can't live with someone they love very much as family and a friend, but that "lover" is just not there? AND we dont' even have kids for that extra layer!!


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## rumi1 (Apr 15, 2018)

and to add: some people just live in this half marriage, this somewhat happy place. I think life is too short to go through the motions. I don't need financial support, etc. Is that unrealistic to want?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In my experience it is usually the woman who do plan holidays, nights out, time with family and friends etc. That's pretty normal. My suggestion is that you be thankful and grateful for him,for the good things about him, and stop complaining and moaning about the things you think are lacking. You married him the way he is, even after being together for 3 years, and now you expect him to be different. 
Stop thinking that he has to be the same as you, and stop comparing him to other men. Every time a negative thought about him comes into you head, replace it with a positive one, of the good things about him. 

Dissatisfaction and complaining are deadly to a marriage. Your attitude needs to change. You are the problem not him.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Your needs are not being met in your marriage and Dr. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs says wives are right to be concerned when their husbands are not meeting their emotional needs, and you’re right to complain to give him an opportunity to meet your needs.

You’re right to be concerned. We marry for romantic love and we need our intimate emotional needs to be met by our spouse. Otherwise, you’ll fall out of love with each other, as you’re experiencing, and risk divorce. 

A couple of thoughts- how many hours per week are you and your husband spending together? Dr. Harley writes in His Needs, Her Needs that it takes a minimum of 15 hours per week of intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sex to sustain a marriage. Would your husband be willing to do this? 

Here is a great article by him to get you started: Dating after marriage 1


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

rumi1 said:


> and to add: some people just live in this half marriage, this somewhat happy place. I think life is too short to go through the motions. I don't need financial support, etc. Is that unrealistic to want?


You don't get any brownie points when you die for being the most long-suffering spouse. You'll just be dead like everyone else, and that one life you had to live will be over. A lot of people choose to tolerate mediocre marriages forever for a variety of reasons, but that's not the right choice for everyone.


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## rumi1 (Apr 15, 2018)

Thank you everyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some books that I think will help you. Read them in this order:

"Divorce Busting" <- this one is just for you to read.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" <- these two are for both you and your husband to read. If he won't read them with you, then read them yourself and do the work that they suggest. After that sit him down and tell him that he has to read them with you and work through them together. You both need to learn what a good marital relatlionship looks like.

While you feel that you are over burdened, part of the problem is you. You have taken over everything and are treating him like your are his mother. Well no wonder your sex life is suffering, men don't want sex with their mother.

We women sometimes do what you are doing, when the other person does not do what we think they shoudl be doing we just jump in and take over.... and one day we wake up and find ourselves in your shoes.


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