# unfair mediated agreement



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Howdy, all,

Need support, ideas, and maybe to be a lesson to others. Husband and I seperated Aug 2009. Married 20 years this May. Finalizing divorce now.
Back up.
Last 10 years, his alcoholism spiralled, and so did my depression. I got treatment, but not adequate, and he is in recovery after 2 DUIs and almost getting $*&+canned at work. He had an online affair (1 year min, details he would never disclose to me.) Did not help my depression, to say the least. We signed mediation paperwork, incl giving him primary cust of our 2 boys, while I was still in depression/denial/shock and stupidly believing the rosy picture he was painting me of how "fair" everything would be handled. Now I am trying to get custody back to 50/50 and support down to reasonable before it gets finalized and I am forever skrood. I have no money for lawyers; his family is loaded. I am stronger and more able to cope/stand up for my/my sons rights than I was (I actually checked myself into inpatient for 3 days 4 mos ago because I felt so depressed, hopeless, and stuck.) I have good therapists and the right meds and am *much* stronger now, but my lawyer is afraid to bring mental health issues into it at all because she thinks it will only hurt my chances (she says the judge will not hear whining about unfairness and we will lose credibility.) I am not asking for full custody--just a more fair share of time with my boys, who both want it, too. We live 6 miles apart. Shouldn't be so difficult, right? But number of overnights translates into $ka-ching$ that I have to pay him, so he keeps it minimal (per the "Agreement" I must have been on Rohipnol to have signed) to justify the $200/month excess I have been voluntarily paying. I would seriously appreciate any advice from anyone who has gone through or knows of a similar situation, and how I can *undo* the terrible f-up I made by signing that document. Also, tell my story to your friends who are separating, who you think might be too crushed to be thinking straight. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Take someone clear-minded with you to mediation so you don't get steam-rolled like I did.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Really. Don't all respond at once. Was it something I said? Should I use nicer language? 

I am feeling soooo manipulated. Really. Help. Please.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you have Legal Aid in your area? Call up to find out....

You deserve 50/50 custody. You are the mother.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you have Legal Aid in your area? Call up to find out....
> 
> You deserve 50/50 custody. You are the mother.


I agree. Both parents have an equal right to be with their own child. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my STBXW to even consider 50/50


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well I think people are not responding because they dont know what to say. I dont think most people here would know how to protest a divorce that was mediated and signed by you.

You say you have a lawyer what is their console, I actually agree with the console of not bring in the depression and alcoholism into the picture that may actually get CPS involved and could get veeery UGLY.

I totally understand making poor decisions when going through a divorce, the best thing I did was get a lawyer to look out for my best intrests.

This is not the first time I have heard of a person getting steam rolled in mediation in fact it happens a lot that the stronger person steam rolls the weaker person but what one does if they cant afford an attorney I have no idea


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I have a new lawyer; the first one really could care less. I am just really worried that I am going to run out of money before he and his parents (deep pockets on both sides) and not be able to fight him anymore. I am just sick on my stomach that my kids both want to be with me more and he is saying no over support issues. It's what made me *crazy* in the first place. My lawyer seemed to think we could fight it, and now is waffling. I don't know if I changed to public legal aid if I could postpone proceedings or if it would just "time out". So worried. Trying to be strong/level headed. Not what I bargained for when I said I do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you have a lawyer, you should ask him these questions STAT. 

Generally you should never sign something w/o an attorney's approval or until you are 100% sure about it. Now that you've hired a lawyer, ask him/her what to do.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I have a new lawyer; the first one really could care less. I am just really worried that I am going to run out of money before he and his parents (deep pockets on both sides) and not be able to fight him anymore. I am just sick on my stomach that my kids both want to be with me more and he is saying no over support issues. It's what made me *crazy* in the first place. My lawyer seemed to think we could fight it, and now is waffling. I don't know if I changed to public legal aid if I could postpone proceedings or if it would just "time out". So worried. Trying to be strong/level headed. Not what I bargained for when I said I do.


Well I dont know the laws where you are but here you could petition the courts to make the other party pay your attorney costs. Here there isnt a lot of protesting support its all based on income and off charts. 

Why is your lawyer waffling? what are they saying? Legal Aid is pretty much a joke and your not going to get a good lawyer to fight a high powered attorney there. How much per hour is hubby paying lawyer? I dont need an answer but it tells you what level attorney your hubby has and he does have to disclose this. Do a search on line on your husbands attorney and see what that turns up


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> How old are the children?
> 
> How was their time spent prior to split?
> That is, who took care of them most of the time, with regards to child care, where would they need less child care?
> ...


Well there is a lot of good stuff in your parental plan. I think on paper the house where the parents rotate in and out is awesome except for most families have a hard maintaining 2 houses let alone a third.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks for your input. Hope you like to read.

When he decided he was going to initiate a split, he started taking over running the household. Someone had apparently been coaching him on the "primary caregiver" aspect, and I was depressed and taking 4x the dose that works for me now (meaning, I had the wrong dosage and no actual cognitive behavioral therapy to go with it. The overmedication made me so tired I could barely get off the couch; I did not know I was supposed to get a separate counselor--found that out in the hospital.) He capitalized on this, as well as undermined my attempts to help make parenting decisions until my now 14 y/o, 190 lb older son thinks I have no more authority than a sister,and behaves accordingly. I am not trying to be a victim here; I'm just stating how it was/is. 

I had stuck with him in his 14 years of increasing alcohol abuse, 2 DUIs, 1 night in jail, 6 mos with no license, and Intensive Outpatient when his boss gave him the choice of rehab or resign. 

We both teach. No childcare to pay for now that both boys are in school. Youngest has PDD-NOS (atypical Autism.) 

After 4 years of pleading and praying that he would disclose the details of his affair (which I caught him in 12-7-04 at 10:30 on the phone telling her he loved her,) to no avail, and him finally getting "on the wagon" due to work, I finally told him that I wanted to stay together until the boys were out of school, but if by then we didn't at least LIKE each other, we wouldn't be staying together. It was to let him know that I couldn't stand how things were because he had not let me have closure so I could trust him again. I thought we would work through it. I could forgive if he could show me he was commited to me enough to just be honest. He was actually done (over "us",) but played along and agreed to "try" marriage counseling a 2nd time. (First time-1/04-, he wouldn't go back after he found out the counselor coincidentally was a specialist in substance abuse...)

He tried to get me to leave. "If you're not happy, just move out." Someone had coached him (I later realized) that if he could get me to leave, I would lose all custody rights. Glad I listened to my heart on that one. No way I would leave them. And I wouldn't let him leave with them. 

I didn't know then, that he was already in touch with and planning the "escape" with his lawyer. I didn't know that he had told the new counselor he just wanted help breaking it to me. He let me go on 6 more weeks just busting my .. trying to change everything he said was wrong (even though I never cheated in any way and don't drink, and he still didn't disclose.) Then he dropped the bomb on our 18th wedding anniversary, in his office, with his buddy (the therapist) to back him up. After that, I was just kind of numb. I think the term is dissociative. My lawyer probably could have told me he was selling me to gypsies, and I would have signed off on that, too. But I'm not supposed to talk about that in court, because we are all supposed to "treat your divorce like a business deal." I didn't realize when I got married that I was going to need an MBA and a lead box to keep my heart in. Sorry, I tend to get melodramatic. 
Listen, when I was 8, I started a hope chest. No lie. Other girls spent their allowance on jump ropes and Barbies. I had collected 5 egg boxes full of measuring cups and plates and bowls and baby name books by the time I was 18. The only thing I have ever had an enduring passion to do is be a mom and wife. So excuse my dissociating. Divorce was not really in my vocabulary.
So? In mediation, we went into the building with the rosy promises. "I would never keep our kids from you," he said. (I never, from the beginning, saw the place of power I was coming from, until I was no longer in it.) We started out with 50/50. Then he said, no, no, that won't work, because it will be too disruptive to their lives. So I agreed to 120 days, "for their sake." Every turn of the screw that I let him talk me into, was done "for their sake." When he found out I wasn't going to owe him $800/month, like the online calculator had told him, he about soiled himself. "Oh, I don't know how I'm going to make ends meet...I'll never make it...(meaning my kids would suffer.) So I offered to store my crappy half of our crap (I gave him the nice crap--the new TV, the riding mower, all the furniture except "our" bed) in the basement of his stupidly big 3 story rental, (he had rented a 3000 sft house,) and pay him the 160 rent instead of a storage place. "That's very generous," he and the mediator said in unison. Yeah, generous. Later, his lawyer quickly drafted another sheet for me to sign and slipped it in. "Oh it just says you're keeping your things at my house and I'm not charging you." See where this is going? Now this becomes a permanent part of my support, even after I move my crap out, which I did last month. 520/mo. Plus half of medical/insurance/prescriptions. Plus, because I'm such a great mom, half of scouts, wrestling, camp, amusement park passes. Plus hundreds per month that I get to spend additionally on food, clothes, entertainment, the little time they are with me. I have spent 1/3 or more of my take home every month since 8/09. God, I'm a sucker. Here's my sign.

The boys went with him, because he works at one of their schools. Made sense logistically. He assured me Primary custodian only meant their primary address was with him. Would not make a difference. Told me he would definitely fight it if I tried for primary. (Flexing those big financial muscles. I have seen sibling after sibling of his funded through court for divorces and DUIs, and the pockets just seem to go on and on.) We short sold our house, which he was mad at me about. (If I had just let him live there with the kids, and me move out, his folks would have subsidized him and he wouldn't have lost anything at all.) You know, I didn't want a separation right now, I said. *You* picked the worst real estate market in known history, not me. (If I had had a pair-I should have borrowed my brother's-back in '04, and thrown his arse in the street with his clothes when I heard him on the phone, we could have sold then and doubled our money.) Hindsight, baby. I definitely want a do-over.



I moved in with my mom. Thank God for her. (I pay her rent, too, because I don't want to freeload, and she can sure use it.) For the first year and a half, the kids spent Thursday night with me. Then he got mad and said they couldn't anymore. I checked the papers, and sure enough, his on weeknights. (My little one with ASD-that's him blowing you a kiss in my picture- still asks ALL the TIME to stay over Thursday. I have to say, sorry, honey, Daddy said no.) That's when the full gravity of my predicament hit me in the face. Under his thumb, paying out the nose, credit wrecked, living with mom. Can't function at work; too sick about the mighty mess. And my friend took me to the ER, thinking I might jump. Man, I was just about ready. The therapy really helped, and I came out ready to go all Chuck Norris. However, the Agreement. A deal with the devil, apparently. 

Listen, thanks for reading my novel. It felt almost good to dump it. I'm going to get an Ambien and a Lexapro and try to lose this for a while (both on DRs orders, don't worry.) If you pray, send one (or five) up for me. I can use all I can get. Thanks. And if by some strange chance (because the world is smaller than we think) you think you know me, keep it to yourself. Please.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I feel for you, sorry do not have any advice. Just wanted to let you know am rooting for you. Hang in there.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks everyone. Will check into a GAL. No word from my attorney yet on how she thinks we should proceed. Back to having nightmares. Hope this resolves fast. Thanks for your prayers.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Wow thats a fd story. You cant beat yourself up though, you were totally worked by someone who came up with an exit plan and executed it perfectly. If it makes you feel any better mine did the same to me. She open three credit card accounts had the invoices sent to her moms house maxed them out, she lent 3 thousand to her unemployed son. She tryed to get me to buy a new car when she new she was leaving and the biggest kick in the nuts she left me for another woman, talk about a shot to the ol self esteem.

The person leaving the marriage is always at an advantage because often they spend a lot of time preparing for the day they leave, the person being left doesnt know this. Sooo at the very least I hope the fact that your not the only one that has gotten screwed this way helps you feel less stupid, actually I think you must be a nice and trusting person along with the fact you were suffering from depression. You are not stupid you were vunerable and taken advantage of.

So I take it that your divorce has already been finalized? 

To those considering mediation instead of a lawyer let this be an eye opener to what can happen and at least have a lawyer look over the final settlement agreement. Never give to many consections just to get it over with because that can cost you big time.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

No, the divorce isn't finalized. We have joint legal, he has primary physical, I have visitation. I didn't realize his having primary residence carried so much weight. My lawyer says if he doesn't agree to change the terms, (which he won't--why would he,) then I can't get shared. The best I can hope for, I believe, is an increase in visitation, and that will take some celestial intervention, I'm afraid. I am beside myself. The three most important things I've done in my life are give birth to 2 wonderful boys, and write my name on a line that keeps me from them. How on God's green Earth do I fix this? and If I can't, how do I accept that?? I just don't know.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Brewster, thanks for writing. I appreciate the support.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> No, the divorce isn't finalized. We have joint legal, he has primary physical, I have visitation. I didn't realize his having primary residence carried so much weight. My lawyer says if he doesn't agree to change the terms, (which he won't--why would he,) then I can't get shared. The best I can hope for, I believe, is an increase in visitation, and that will take some celestial intervention, I'm afraid. I am beside myself. The three most important things I've done in my life are give birth to 2 wonderful boys, and write my name on a line that keeps me from them. How on God's green Earth do I fix this? and If I can't, how do I accept that?? I just don't know.


You dont accept this you fight this. So is this the first time you have had issues with depression? Do you have a Phychist that could vouge that you went into depression because of your Hubbys affair? Can you argue that you were in a depressed state of mind when that settlement was mediated and because of that you were not in a state of mind to negoiate a fair settlement. I know I spell like ass but hey Im a contractor not a english major.

You know under these circumstances I think I retract my statement of not using the alcoholism against him especially if he wants to use depression against you.

What if you tryed a bluff, what if you told him that if he doesnt modify this to joint physical custody you will go to court and bring his problems of alcoholism to light. Look I think you have to try anything to fight at this point because I think if you dont you may always blame yourself.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I want to fight it. I am not getting a response yet from my lawyer. My depression grew from:
9/00 had second son
10/00 -6/01 had difficulty at work (my maternity leave sub left me a mess)
2/01 found out Dad had stage 4 cancer
11/01-6/02 second son had deafness and autism that I recognized, but husband, pediatrician, and his fam said I was wrong
6/02 different doctor told my h that my son had autism
6/02 got him checked by dev pediatric--diagnosed. Said to check hearing
9/02 first son starts K, has behav/attitude probs beg 2nd gr ('04) h completely disregards my (college trained) prof opinions on parenting/schooling of son. I am elem cert, he is middle. told me in front of son often that I was like a 12 year old. Disparaged sons teachers and undermined their authority often to my son. Took him to bars with him while they were having teacher happy hours. Had teachers over for poker games where they smoked, drank, and gossiped (same teacher he now has in middle school.) I disagreed heartily with all of this, but all my opinions were sharply dismissed.
7/03 audiologist diagnoses that 2nd son was deaf. tubes in ears corrected it. behind socially due to 1.5 years of deafness..
H having difficulties at work with female boss. Drinking-passed out every night-telling ME to go get a pill for my depression. 
12/04 discovered affair. h would not disclose.
1/05 marriage counsling, h quit when focus went to drinking. I kept going
5/05 counselor sent me to psychiatrist for meds. began seeing psychiatrist bi weekly, but no cog behav ther. (did not know it was a necessary piece, psychiatrist "listened" to my problems but did not give books, homework, etc. Did not improve depression. tried diff drugs, dosages. often over medicated. h called me neglectful of kids and "took up the slack" to build his case. thought i was lazy, not depressed.
Dates get fuzzy for me here.
H picked up for DUI; reduced to reckless. spent night in jail.
H picked up again 4 mos later for DUI, lost license for 6 mos, had to stay in the state 12 mos, missed family vacation
H smelled of wine at work, told rehab or resign
Me-not functioning well at home, barely at work, not getting all of duties performed. Performance reviews falling.
Somewhere in here we went to a new marriage counselor. no help.
7/08 told him we wouldn't stay together if it didn't get better
11/08 he went to his lawyer (didn't tell me.)
1/09 m counseling-again-same guy
5/09 said we were splitting over summer
7/09 mediation
8/09 moved apart
11/10 told me i couldn't have thurs nights anymore.
i looked at agreement; he was right. Lost my F*g mind. (temporarily.) friend took me to ER, 3 days in, 14 days out,
got a new lawyer, and she said, 
DAMN! YOU SCREWED! (basically.)
Yes. I want to fight it. I don't want to keep them from him. I am not into being unfair. And that would be unfair to them. But what he is doing is also unfair to them. If God, or Oprah or someone smiled on me and gave me a big check, I would use it all to make this right. But I don't know if it would help at this point. I wasn't raised to be religious. Actually, my Grandad was an athiest, and it has made it hard for me to access that for myself. But I am coming to realize that I have to send it up, because there is nothing Earthly to be done. 

I want to know why it is, that a guy can get murder reduced to manslaughter because he ate too many Twinkies, and yet, in a situation like this, where divorce is intrinsically emotional and mentally incapacitating (unless you were only in it for the Rolls, anyway,) there is no protection for people like myself who make stupid mistakes due to lack of information, misplaced trust, and feelings of guilt for their kids? Where is the justice in that? I feel like I stepped in it with both feet, and the court won't let me scrape it off my shoe.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Sorry. Forgot to add in: Dad passed in 3/07. He was a 5 year survivor and it came back. He had been through so much, we were just relieved for him.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Everybody have a good night. Thanks for letting me dump. It really does help to know people are rooting for me. It makes me feel less nuts. This is going to get better, somehow. I'm going to go paint the bathroom.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

So, to update you in case you were wondering..yes, I'm fighting it for whatever it's worth. Awaiting response to my settlement offer. Should find out in the next couple of days. Praying more than I ever did in my life. God, show me what you want me to do. Show me what is best for my kids. Soften h's heart so he will see what is best for them, too. Heal their hurting little hearts. Give us closure and peace.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Howdy, all,
> 
> Need support, ideas, and maybe to be a lesson to others. Husband and I seperated Aug 2009. Married 20 years this May. Finalizing divorce now.
> Back up.
> Last 10 years, his alcoholism spiralled, and so did my depression. I got treatment, but not adequate, and he is in recovery after 2 DUIs and almost getting $*&+canned at work. He had an online affair (1 year min, details he would never disclose to me.) Did not help my depression, to say the least. We signed mediation paperwork, incl giving him primary cust of our 2 boys, while I was still in depression/denial/shock and stupidly believing the rosy picture he was painting me of how "fair" everything would be handled. Now I am trying to get custody back to 50/50 and support down to reasonable before it gets finalized and I am forever skrood. I have no money for lawyers; his family is loaded. I am stronger and more able to cope/stand up for my/my sons rights than I was (I actually checked myself into inpatient for 3 days 4 mos ago because I felt so depressed, hopeless, and stuck.) I have good therapists and the right meds and am *much* stronger now, but my lawyer is afraid to bring mental health issues into it at all because she thinks it will only hurt my chances (she says the judge will not hear whining about unfairness and we will lose credibility.) I am not asking for full custody--just a more fair share of time with my boys, who both want it, too. We live 6 miles apart. Shouldn't be so difficult, right? But number of overnights translates into $ka-ching$ that I have to pay him, so he keeps it minimal (per the "Agreement" I must have been on Rohipnol to have signed) to justify the $200/month excess I have been voluntarily paying. I would seriously appreciate any advice from anyone who has gone through or knows of a similar situation, and how I can *undo* the terrible f-up I made by signing that document. Also, tell my story to your friends who are separating, who you think might be too crushed to be thinking straight. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Take someone clear-minded with you to mediation so you don't get steam-rolled like I did.


I would recommend minor's counsel. It will allow certain aspects of the family situation to be looked at that may be benificial for you. 

Frankly I am surpized with his criminal history that he was granted custody. I can vouch that being a single father while working can be a tad on the busy and stressful side. If he's not handling life well by itself; I just don't see how he could possibly measure up to this. 

Before you go to the mat though, how receptive has he been to allowing you access to the kids, aside from your court appointed visititation? I know it sounds naive, but would he hear a simple petition to have greater or open access to them, so you could participate more with them during the week in agreed activities?

My situation is rather skewed, but I still welcome their mother to engage in extra activities with the younger children that are healthy. Afterall, it is about "what is best for the kids". Truthfully though, that phrase is starting to p!ss me off because almost no one seems to believe in it. 

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. In parting though be thoughtful with assessing his overall competency in raising the kids. If ETOH is a problem, cut him off at his friggin knees. Protect the kids. At the end of the day nothing else matters; so says a single father of six.

LIL


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Hey, LIL,
Thanks for your ideas. I don't mean to sound dumb, but I don't know what ETOH is . Would you clarify, please? Thanks!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

So stbxh is now limiting time with my sons on Tues. I can see them 4-5:45, and I don't get to feed them dinner. Which means, they are hungry (and therefore cranky) for that hour 45, and we have a crappy time. 

Older son wants to go to an overnight sleepover b-day party this Friday (my weekend, and I have very little time with them anyway. I am not opposed to him going to friends' homes, but he has a presumption that we are "supposed to agree to" anything he asks, and "we" (read: Dad) usually do.)

I told him I had to meet the kid's parent (single dad) first before I decided. I have never met the kid, only seen his pic on facebook and read his posts, and heard stories about him. Seems average--not "wrong crowd" per se, not stellar either. But I would like to know who my kid is spending the night with. I know it's "old fashioned," but I am a mom who cares about safety, and I don't think it's too much to ask. So I told him he had to txt me the dad's phone # so I could contact him. You would have thought I told him to wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes. He went off, talking over me (like his dad does,) interrupting and raising his voice (like his dad does.) 
So I told him that I wasn't even going to consider letting him go if he didn't get his attitude back in check. This did not help. I am "unfair," I just don't want him to have friends.. blah blah..

Then I asked about his 20 (class grade) in history. I have been watching it online for weeks, and it isn't coming up. (All his teachers are Dad's friends and co-workers, remember.) I reminded him that his grades are his "job," and that 20 may play heavily into whether or not he can go Friday. Told him his interim report Thurs better reflect a passing grade.

So, all this while we were bowling. And he's angry, kicking things, threatening his brother over nonsense. Not only would I not have gone to the party, my dad would have tanned my hide. But I am keeping a level head, asking him, 
"If you were me, what kinds of things can you think of that would make you hesitant to allow your child to stay over at a persons' house you don't know? What could happen?" And he is not cooperating. "I don't know.. I might get exposed to X-box?" ([email protected]$$ answer.) I told him I love him, and it is my job to keep him safe. I said it is not an easy choice for me to let him go because I don't know the people. I have no problem with him going away for a week with Boyscouts, because I know the people and the procedures. 

I told him when he was a few months old, dad's cousin was getting married in NY, and they (all) wanted me to leave him with a friend of a friend of a relative sitter in NY for the wedding (no kids wedding.) I wouldn't do it. I have to feel good about the decisions I make for him and his brother. (The whole family was PO'd at me, even though I said I could either stay in the hotel room with the baby, or hubby could just go to NY by himself, and I was fine with either.)

Dropping them off, dad is looking for the child support payment (not due till Thurs,) arguing about paying back the part he overcharged me for health insurance last year (all his "oopsies" are honest mistakes, and all mine are calculated lies, of course,) and telling me we have to make up the next year's visitation calendar within the next 2 days (a veiled threat linked to the support payment, I believe.) 

Today is just one of those days I want to cry. Am I going to be under his thumb forever? I didn't do anything to deserve this. My kids can't see what is going on here, and I'm not supposed to tell them.. and I know it wouldn't help them to know. Just beyond miserable.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Waiting for the other shoe to drop (letter from his lawyer about whether they're going to fight me in court.) No news today. Not expecting fairness or cooperation. Based upon track record. :-(


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

You know, reading over my old post, I am so much more hopeful now. Things are still not settled, and much is up in the air, but I am so much stronger than I was. Thanks to all the people who gave me encouragement when I needed it. I applied for a new job today. Big pay cut, but not crazy-making. Whole life is going in a direction I never thought it would, but I'm learning to roll with it, baby. Mediation is going to come before the end of August, and hopefully by Halloween at the latest I'll be putting some of this to rest. 44 on Saturday. Life is gonna get good again here. You watch.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I'm glad you're feeling better. Sounds like it's been a pretty bad year, I'm so sorry.

We can be twinsies I'm 42 and took a pay cut this year, too.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In our state, we have a guardian ad litem service that can modify agreements to the best interests of the children. Where there are no contradictions to doing so, they aim to promote and foster relationships with both parents. They also foster and promote co-parenting between the two adults involved. 

One proactive step you could take is to seek out and initiate co-parenting or parenting sessions with your ex. So that you can absolutely be on the same page as much as possible when it comes to parenting.

A guardian ad litem service will also look at the history of the situation and make recommendations or requests that should be followed. In my older son's case they were quite specific. (Doesn't mean they'll be followed, but if they're not, it could be grounds for reduced custody or additional parenting classes or supervised visitation...)

The service is very extensive and for what's provided it is low cost. One thing was having to send parenting and personal evaluation forms to 10 different people who knew me and could comment on my parenting. Now, I wasn't at any risk of losing custody, I had full custody and my ex had pretty much abandoned his son and was only looking to have his child support reduced to a ridiculous amount based on lies and mucho selfishness. It was a form of administrative and financial bullying.

At the end of the long saga, my private life thoroughly inspected and the child support INCREASED for him and him getting a long list of recommendations (that he never followed), he said something to the effect that me living in a small state where everyone knows each other made everything so unfair for him.

Anyway, set up parenting counseling sessions for yourself. I got mine for about $2.50 a session at a state university and they were incredibly top-notch...you can invite in ex through attorney if he doesn't respond to your own request through the therapy office. generally speaking, someone refusing to do co-parenting sessions that are reasonably timed and low cost where there has been a history of things like alcoholism and mental illness (that would of course affect the children) would be seen as not putting the children first, or at the very least not interested in making things better for children who have been through so much. Throught the GAL you can also make specific requests for involvement, such as being allowed to volunteer at children's school, making sure you are invited to all parent-teacher and school events, being able to go to their doctor's appts and all of their extra-curricular events.

My younger children's father sends support for them but he also takes them one afternoon a week right from school and takes them out for dinner, gets them to any errands or activities they need to go to, and will help them with specific shopping, haircuts, appointments, etc. It is not just visits. It is substantial and necessary parenting, for the most part. We coordinate days by using a joint calendar a few months in advance and by consulting with the kids about available activities, and work around that. 

It might take some time. I suggest you focus more on where you are now, what you can do to improve the parenting time and relationship as a parent you have with your ex, and then look at what you can do, over time, to increase the time spent with your children as they mature. It is good that they have an involved father. But it does seem like the two of you both have significant struggles in life so none of what I've suggested would be overkill as it might be in a family that was split up without the alcoholism and depression. Both of which must have been tough on the kids, especially if they were young at the time. They should definitely be given the opportunity to have someone to talk to about what they need from the both of you, the GAL can do that and make sure their specific needs are met.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Homemaker-thanks for your thoughts. I would love to do co parenting. The classes here are $50, a one-session thing, and required before the divorce, so I will be doing that soon anyway. I have my older son in counseling and it seems to help some. It also helps that his counselor backs me up sometimes, because my son will hear it from another guy but does not have a lot of respect for women. He had a female counselor before and nothing she said was valid to him or his dad. 
I am doing all I can for my boys, every chance I get. I don't know that they see it yet; there is a lot of "smoke" around here, if you get my drift, but I know that one day it will sink in. And whatever happens, I have the peace of mind that I finally stood my ground, and gave it my best shot for my kids. Can't do no more than that.

I am reading books about parenting agreements and taking notes about things I would like to see added. I have a long wish list. At least I can ask, and the GAL will see where my heart is. If he bucks it, the GAL will see that too. Or judge, or whoever sees it. All up in the air at this point. We have a judge for mediation, but if that doesn't go well, and it goes to court, then we may get a GAL. They don't do a gal for mediation here.
So, yeah, I'm trying to work on myself, especially healthy boundaries. Send one up for my kids, please.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I hope all goes well! My friend has a GAL, too. Hopefully they will step in and get this sorted out.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If they don't do a GAL for mediation, then make a motion to move to a court, based on your desire for GAL involvement. It will cost more in the short run but in the long run it might be prudent. Once the case is closed, there will be a clause that states under what conditions it can be re-opened. You might not get a second chance.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks, Homemaker!

I have learned so much here. I will def bring this up with my lawyer.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You will need to deal with the obvious handicap of having had a mental health history. Obviously, getting treated is the sane thing to do. But, you know reality all too well I'm sure.

You could probably firm up that time line.
In fact, I think you should.
Go back into your records: medical, legal, financial records, credit card statements, tax documents, old calendars. Anything that will help you remember exactly what was going on and the different distractions and hurdles you had. Documentation of your work, your hassles at work, your insistence on getting treatment, all the dead ends you had to pursue...everything. Write down names and contact information. Send away for records and review them thoroughly.

I had my child misdiagnosed for 4 years. He had a tethered spinal cord that made him incontinent (fecal and urinary). Guess who got blamed for those symptoms. Right, mom is nuts. He also had a thyroid deficiency. Again, I was to blame. The problem is, even after the kid is diagnosed and treated, people have formed their opinions of you and it is hard to shake that from a clinical perspective. That kind of misdiagnosis when the clock is ticking on your child's development and you are trying to work and do everything else a mom and wife does, is crazy-making in itself.

You have been to h*ll and back, and now that you want to leave, it's following you! 

Above all else, you need to remain calm and composed. NEVER lash out. NEVER say anything sarcastic. NEVER show anger. ALWAYS HAVE DOCUMENTATION OF ANYTHING YOU SAY. IF YOU DON'T HAVE DOCUMENTATION, DON'T BRING IT UP AS AN ISSUE. When you start to have a rational and cheerful outlook, and smile, it's easier and more pleasant for people to help you.

You know that person inside of you who got deflated?
Go get her and let her shine.
You deserve laurels for certain for all the hassle you went through with your children. You are a good person and a fantastic parent for persevering to help them.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thank you so much. Some things you just can't give up on. 

I have gone only to email with the husband, and he can't hide his true colors there. He has been very resistant to using it, because he KNOWS he can't manipulate me when I give myself time to consider my responses and I don't have him breathing down my neck. It has been very liberating and fortifying to make a comeback after being emotionally flogged for so long. 

I have made some slip ups. I couple of weeks ago, I got so upset when my son was triangulating his dad into our disagreement (it was my night, and he was calling his dad, which is what he does when he wants backup.) I actually smashed his phone with a hammer. NOT like me. Not that I haven't WANTED to do it before. But I am usually MUCH more in control, calmer, count to ten type. 

I called my counselor, and at her direction, apologized and said I would replace the phone. I also called my lawyer; she said it wasn't the greatest news, but some parents would have done worse, and it wasn't the end of the world. I realize I can't help my son with his anger issues if I can't control my own. 

I have gotten my son into counseling (back in March) and it seems to help him to have an outlet. He wants me to do mom/son counseling with him, which I am eager for, esp since he and his dad threw a fit when I wanted him to go to counseling in March. Good changes.

My little one with ASD, I had to go to bat alone in May to get him Extended School Year services. Don't understand why Dad didn't support it, other than because it was my idea. But I got him in. THAT felt amazing. 

Now I am applying for medicaid waivers for him. The waiting list is TEN YEARS LONG. If I apply now, and (by some miracle of God) he doesn't need it when he is 20, we don't have to take it. There will be loads of others on the list behind him. But I have to do this alone, too, because my H would definitel buck it. He has his head in the sand, and does not want to even consider that our child might need that. Wake up and smell the espresso. 

I am steadily doing now all the things I should have had the strength do do all along. I think their dad does want the best for them, I just think he's not really in touch with reality sometimes.

Thanks for your support. It means so much to be validated.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There is anger, and there is frustration.
Once in a while I go down to our old garage and take the shovel and bang up the walls in there and have a good shout. It's been a while. I also used to scream bloody murder sometimes in the car on very rural roads. I do love ice climbing. It's a vicious sport you get to use a pick and crampons so long as you don't kick your rope and sever it all is good. You should apply for a woman's grant to Chicks With Picks to go ice climbing. You'd probably like it a lot.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I have made some fine holes in the garden with the digging bar. I read recently though that people who are angry and try to vent by doing something physical (other than exercise) actually make themselves angrier, not calmer. Supposed to do guided imagery, regulated breathing exercises, meditation. 

I look back and think of all the opportunities and good reasons I have been given to act out irrationally in anger, and I have to say I think I've done pretty well. The best revenge is living well.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Okay folks, 

If anyone is awake, I could use a pep talk. Mediation is FINALLY coming up next week, and my stbx and son are every bit as screwy as I am, probably more so. Just say a little something for me, if you will. Thanks. 
Lotsa baggage.


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