# Wife never initiates......marriage at roads end?



## Ryan3278 (Dec 3, 2012)

Okay here goes, first post, but desperate. Facts first, my wife is 41, and I am 40. 3 kids, 4,7 and 10. 
The problem is my wife never initiates sex. We have been together for almost 18 years, and the sexlife was initially good, with equal amount of sexdrive. That changed after a couple of years, and now it has gotten to a point where she never initiates any sexual contact. She is very uncomfortable with me touching her private parts. When we do have sex, it is in the shower, with her using the showerhead to get off. I am only allowed to watch, and take care of my own business. It makes me feel anything, but a man, and it is hurtfull like hell.I would like to say I have exhausted any opertunity to improve our sexlife.....save the marriage. We have talked about it a thousand times, but she just says..."thats the way it is.....other marriages are the same". I have tried bringing in sex toys, on her requst, but she hates using them. I have bought her sexy lingery with same effect. I take her out to dinner, without the kids. Surprise her with gifts, flowers and even massage apontments, but nothing works. We have traveled the world together, bot no effect on the sex life. I have only seen her really sexually aroused maybe 3 times in our marriage, and I told her I want that woman back, but she just shrugs it off. I always tell her how much I love her and the kids, and tell her how good she looks.
I have tried doing the 180 on her many times.....it works, I get sex, but it is obvious she is only doing it to keep a lid on things. My work keep me away 4 weeks some times, but when I get back there is not a single trace of longing for sex on her behalf......she even told me she could go without sex, for that matter. 
Apperance wise we both are attractive and fit, but I guess that is not enough anymore? I am at a crossroad here. I dont want to live the rest of my life not being desired by my wife! As always though it falls on the kids if we seperate, but I feel I have tried everything, with nothing to show for it. Please help


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You read MMSL yet? If not, do so immediately. Check out the blog, too. It's like boilerplate. It will work or it means your wife's ovaries have been removed.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Geez... that sucks. 

Just to confirm... not all marriages are like this...you DO know that don't you?

What about marriage counselling?

Have either of you read 'His Needs Her Needs...a very good book.
Sex is listed as the #1 need for men... but I'm sure you know this already! Does she? Or does she just think it YOU... YOU selfish pig!!!! Because some women really do think their man wanting sex and intimacy is because of selfish reasons only.

There may be info on some need your not fulfilling (hence the resentment) for her...it could open dialogue.

Happily married (healthy) women don't avoid sex with the beloved husbands...they pursue it. 

There IS a reason she doesn't want sex... there always is.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

In MMSL, he mentions that don't worry about initiating. To pretty much get over the fact that its not on the woman to initiate. Now from reading your post I was going say initially is she receptive to your advances even though she is not initiating? Obviously not. It probably would be acceptable if you two were having sex 90% of the time you initiated (100% is possible but you two would have to be compatible dead on). For her to say that she's fine with going with out is a sure sign of bs. Might be time to get down to the nitty gritty. Resent? Affair? You? Depression? No longer in love? As Shaun T. from Insanity says, "dig deeper"!


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Rather than focussing on your wife's lack of interest in sex do this: focus on developing your own masculine sexual nature. This means becoming more assertive, dominant, firm, focussed, driven, determined and passionate about your life. Show her you are a powerful man who knows where you are going and knows you are going to get there.
What you are doing is increasing the sexual energy in yourself and this has a surprising effect often of creating a sexuality-based response. Try it and you might be surprised1


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MMSL is a good read, though it is by no means fool-proof, despite what some would say here. It can be useful, so pick it up.

I would also grab No More Mr. Nice Guy. Not necessarily your problem, but it is a good read nevertheless.

It would likely help if you really thoink through some of the changes in your wife. When did the sex slow down, and when has the affection stopped? Have you ramped up your own displays fo affection? How has she reacted? After discussing the issue, what has she said and what actions has she taken? What have you said and acted on? Has she had any physical issues, like surgery or the like? 

Some details may help us pin down the underlying issues.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

> I have tried doing the 180 on her many times.....it works, I get sex, but it is obvious she is only doing it to keep a lid on things.


Yes...run the MAP from MMSL and you should see results. You have to be serious and have her know you are serious.
My wife saw she had to change or risk losing me. She is making the changes on her own, as I have made my wants and needs known to her. Luckily she was aware enough that our relationship was in trouble and was open enough to find counseling at my request. She has read the Five Love Languages and now understands that she has to contribute toward the relationship as well for it to be alive and healthy.
Nagging her about it won't get you much of anything. Take actions on your part and hopefully she will take notice and join you instead of push you away.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

sorry to suggest this, but are you a good lover? she must like to orgasm, if she gets off with the shower head. Can you give her a clitoral orgasm with oral sex? why does she prefer the shower head over you? I'm not saying I prefer the shower head over my husband, but it does a damn better job at finding my clitoris than my husband. I'm often very frustrated during oral sex because my husband just isn't doing a good job. I think there's hope here since she does use the shower head. Ask her if you can use it on her. Or she starts and you finish her off?

Maybe you need to do things to spice it up. Tweak her nipples? Or is she just totally turned off to you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Ryan3278 said:


> Okay here goes, first post, but desperate. Facts first, my wife is 41, and I am 40. 3 kids, 4,7 and 10.
> The problem is my wife never initiates sex. We have been together for almost 18 years, and the sexlife was initially good, with equal amount of sexdrive. That changed after a couple of years, and now it has gotten to a point where she never initiates any sexual contact. She is very uncomfortable with me touching her private parts. When we do have sex, it is in the shower, with her using the showerhead to get off. I am only allowed to watch, and take care of my own business. It makes me feel anything, but a man, and it is hurtfull like hell.I would like to say I have exhausted any opertunity to improve our sexlife.....save the marriage. We have talked about it a thousand times, but she just says..."thats the way it is.....other marriages are the same". I have tried bringing in sex toys, on her requst, but she hates using them. I have bought her sexy lingery with same effect. I take her out to dinner, without the kids. Surprise her with gifts, flowers and even massage apontments, but nothing works. We have traveled the world together, bot no effect on the sex life. I have only seen her really sexually aroused maybe 3 times in our marriage, and I told her I want that woman back, but she just shrugs it off. I always tell her how much I love her and the kids, and tell her how good she looks.
> I have tried doing the 180 on her many times.....it works, I get sex, but it is obvious she is only doing it to keep a lid on things. My work keep me away 4 weeks some times, but when I get back there is not a single trace of longing for sex on her behalf......she even told me she could go without sex, for that matter.
> Apperance wise we both are attractive and fit, but I guess that is not enough anymore? I am at a crossroad here. I dont want to live the rest of my life not being desired by my wife! As always though it falls on the kids if we seperate, but I feel I have tried everything, with nothing to show for it. Please help


So if I have this straight... you're away for 4 weeks, she's holding down the fort with three kids under 10 and she doesn't want to initiate. She says she could go without sex.

Know why? Because she does... for 4 weeks. It's use it or lose it and he's lost it. She's probably just happy that you are home and she doesn't have to deal with the three rugrats alone.

I don't think the 180, NMMNG or MMSL will help. You have to be there, in front of your wife for her to see what you are doing. Distancing yourself via these methods will just extend the 4 weeks that you really aren't there.

Have you been to marriage counseling? If you haven't, you should. You don't want to break up the marriage without trying everything you can to save it.


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## Cieran (Dec 2, 2012)

I am extremely new here. WHat does MMSL stand for exactly? Thanks.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MMSL = Married Man Sex Life. It's a blog about guys and marriage, not just about sex.


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## Cieran (Dec 2, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> MMSL = Married Man Sex Life. It's a blog about guys and marriage, not just about sex.


Thanks Chris.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Welcome to my world. My wife never initiates either. But, she'll rarely turn me down if I want it. But, I understand the feeling of being desired by your wife. I started a thread like this last year and I was....pretty much told by the women here....to shut up and be happy I'm getting any at all.

Good Luck! 

PS. she still doesn't initiate.....


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Is your wife worn out maybe?

I know it might not seem like a big deal, but when my kids were little my H didn't get much sex either........however, if i had time to sort myself out in the shower with him watching I guess I'd not have that excuse!

Seems bizarre to me that she'd choose to use the shower head over you!:scratchhead: 

She isn't getting sex somewhere else is she? 

Somebody said......if you dont use it you lose it....there is some truth in that, you can get out of the habbit, the more I get now, the more I want

Also, I have to say I never truly realised how important sex was to my H, sounds ridiculous now........but i never associated him wanting sex = feeling close, feeling needed, feeling desired. I thought snuggling up would let him know that.

Anyway, to cut this short, he ended up looking else where, not for anything emotional, but for sex....and it took me finding out to wake me up. Not the way to go believe me, it almost killed the pair of us getting through this last year. 

However, It had a surprising effect on me..I now realise my H felt *insecure*, *unloved* and *unwanted*. I feel bad for that.

It isn't that i didn't enjoy sex, i just would choose to go to sleep instead.....recently he has experienced roles reversed :smthumbup: he can't always keep up with me!

Don't cheat on your wife  not ever! but how would she feel if you hinted someone flirted with you....there is nothing like a bit of "someone else wants my man" for some sexual bonding to begin women use sex to hook and keep their men.

Good Luck


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Does she like sexual penetration or does she seem uncomfortable with it now?

In the beginning of my relationship (before kids) I loved sex. Penetration and all. Now, not so much. After pushing babies out my parts were not the same, penetration didn't feel the same and I hate having sex because it feels very uncomfortable. If I am horny and need to get off I prefer my vibrator or the shower head too. I don't know I just don't want anything going inside or coming out of me again. It sucks for my dh and I've explained to him that it's not him something just happened down there. Maybe it doesn't feel the same anymore and she doesn't know how to deal with it cause I know I don't know how to deal with it either.


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