# I think it is really happening



## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have had our ups and downs. Lately, we have been in a major down and it seems to have hit a wall finally. He has been MIA all day, probably at his work office. For the past few years I have been considering separating, but then things get slightly better until the cycle repeats again. I really don't feel I can keep doing this anymore, and I think my husband finally realizes how serious it is, too. He refuses to go to marriage counseling, though. I have read tons of books on marriage , but just can't seem to make a decision. How do I know when it is time to move on? Why do I feel so confused? Will I ever feel like I truly know what the right decision is? What do I do now????


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Needingmore said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have had our ups and downs. Lately, we have been in a major down and it seems to have hit a wall finally. He has been MIA all day, probably at his work office. For the past few years I have been considering separating, but then things get slightly better until the cycle repeats again. I really don't feel I can keep doing this anymore, and I think my husband finally realizes how serious it is, too. He refuses to go to marriage counseling, though. I have read tons of books on marriage , but just can't seem to make a decision. How do I know when it is time to move on? Why do I feel so confused? Will I ever feel like I truly know what the right decision is? What do I do now????


What kind of problems are you having? Does your husband know that you want to walk away?


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

We argue a lot. We always have. Our emotional desires/needs and communication styles could not be more different. We have two kids. We fight about parenting, communicating, money, etc. I do not feel connected to him anymore. We go through these bouts of bad times and then daily life gets slightly better, but we don't seem to ever have lasting change. I don't want to do it anymore, and I have told him that. He usually just blows it off and I usually come around.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Check out the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". See if it gives you any insight.

C


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

I have begged for counseling for years, but he refuses. He gets very angry when I suggest it. It is even more hurtful to me because I am finishing up my degree and working as a counselor right now. I feel like he doesn't respect the profession and therefore, me.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

I read about the first half of that book, renewed it twice, but had to return it to the library. I felt like most of my answers to the questions in the book leaned towards the side of leaving. I think I do want to leave, but so worried about making the wrong choice. This is all making my stomach hurt and I can't think straight!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Needingmore said:


> I have begged for counseling for years, but he refuses. He gets very angry when I suggest it. It is even more hurtful to me because I am finishing up my degree and working as a counselor right now. I feel like he doesn't respect the profession and therefore, me.


 More likely he doesn't want to be forced to confront his contribution to the problems in the marriage ... not that he would admit that.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nobody here can tell you what to do. You need to live your life in whatever way you need to.

Have you looked at individual counselling?

C


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> Nobody here can tell you what to do. You need to live your life in whatever way you need to.
> 
> C


True. 

Is your health being affected? Do you have fights in front of the children? 

My previous marriage failed because we should not have gotten married in the first place. We should have been a college couple which ended in a friendship. The upside is of course the wonderful children we have together.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I actually started having health issues after 12 years of marriage, which forced me to stop living in denial. Are you at this stage?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I know how you feel. It sucks.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

As far as health issues, I do struggle with depression so of course our marital issues affect that. I notice that I feel a sense of relief when he is away for work. I have more energy and desire to get things done around the house. I feel like I can be a better mother when he is not here.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

After being gone the entire day, my husband came home after midnight last night. I had just dozed off and he woke me up, demanding to talk. I told him I couldn't talk because I was groggy and not clear in my head. After all the times he has refused to have discussions with me, I felt justified in choosing not to talk in that moment. Now today he is refusing to talk to me. I asked if we could talk sometime and his response was "what is the point?" I am so tired of this and don't even know what to say anymore.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Wow- you were here with such concern for your marriage, but when your husband came home late to talk, you were too tired? TBH, I can't imagine sleeping after having waited and waited to talk to my husband only to shoot him down when he's ready...ugh, you both have a viscous cycle of just lashing out at each other and making it a lot more difficult than it needs to be.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You were a bit passive aggressive in your unwillingness to talk to him last night. And he followed suit today.

You say you are a counselor. Well why don't you write down your feelings and thoughts and then take a step back and look at them as if they were notes from one of the people you counsel. 

Also - if you know you are depressed, don't you think addressing that and getting the meds working on it FIRST before making any rash decisions would be the best idea?. 

If he won't go to counseling - well that isn't stopping you from getting counseling to combat your depression. I bet that will help your situation at least 25%.
You are finishing your degree, there are counselors offered at little cost where you are going to school. AND since you said you were a counselor - then you have co-workers who could see you.

Sounds to me like you need to address your own issues first.

And you both then need to talk calmly about your expectations from each other and work out compromises that are mutually agreed upon.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

Yes, I have been in counseling and taking medication for my depression. As the depression has gotten better and cannot be used as the "excuse" for our problems. our other issues have become more clear.
I do regret not talking last night, but he was so angry and it seemed like it was just going to be counterproductive and do nothing other than to make us both more upset. 
It is much easier to be objective when helping others than it is for myself. I just wish he was willing to see a therapist with me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Needingmore said:


> Yes, I have been in counseling and taking medication for my depression. As the depression has gotten better and cannot be used as the "excuse" for our problems. our other issues have become more clear.
> I do regret not talking last night, but he was so angry and it seemed like it was just going to be counterproductive and do nothing other than to make us both more upset.
> It is much easier to be objective when helping others than it is for myself. I just wish he was willing to see a therapist with me.


I think you were perfectly in your right to not have the conversation late last night at midnight all groggy! He should have called you eairlier in the day and said I'd like to talk to you about our marriage how about 8,9,or 10 oclock tonight? then you would have been perpared and the conversation wouldn't have been lopsided.

So why don't you do the same for him? call him and explain that you had just woke up and did not have your thoughts collected and it was unfair of him to try to have a difficult conversation with you when you were not ready. Ask him when and where he would like to get together and talk maybe even sugest taking the day off and going somewhere public where things can't get to heated. and that way maybe something will be accomplished.

good luck.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

My husband came to my work today, but I was out for lunch. I called him and he wouldn't really say anything. I asked him if he wanted to talk, but he said he didn't see the point anymore. He sounded really sad and hurt. I know he is hurting, but I just don't know. I hate being with someone who can't express himself at all. It seems like we are stuck in a cycle where our marriage gets bad, we get over things, and then it starts again. I don't think there will ever be lasting change. I would need to accept him for who he is, but I just don't know if I want to do that anymore. Part of me really wants to be done.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

The only person you can change is you. You need to choose...either to work on the marriage or move on. Once you make a decision, your actions need to be true to that decision.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Needingmore said:


> My husband came to my work today, but I was out for lunch. I called him and he wouldn't really say anything. I asked him if he wanted to talk, but he said he didn't see the point anymore. He sounded really sad and hurt. I know he is hurting, but I just don't know. I hate being with someone who can't express himself at all. It seems like we are stuck in a cycle where our marriage gets bad, we get over things, and then it starts again. I don't think there will ever be lasting change. I would need to accept him for who he is, but I just don't know if I want to do that anymore. Part of me really wants to be done.


I can tell you I was at the same place in my marriage. She probably felt the same way about me ... and guess what ... I felt the same way about her. I was convinced that 90% of our issues were her fault. It wasn't until we stepped back and went to marriage counseling that I could see how I contributed to our issues and understand her perspective. An eye-opening experience for sure. Now, I can't tell you it saved our marriage but it helped us get past the impasse you are currently experiencing.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

I know that I do contribute fully to our problems. I have been in counseling and try to work on my issues. It just seems I can only get so far, when he is unwilling to go to marriage counseling.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

You could give him two sets of paper, the divorce papers, and a form to enter MC. 

It will be one of the two anyway, so why not use this decision to see what he still cares about the marriage.

It is not only he who has trouble to see what choices there are....

You need to be clear about it for yourself, you need to build your self respect.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

Yes, I think the counseling needs to be a true ultimatum this time. I have begged for it for a long time, but he just gets angry and tells me to never ask again. Many of the issues in our marriage have become intensified in the past couple years as we have a teenage daughter with her own issues. Seeing the way he treats her at times has been very damaging to my feelings towards him. Whenever I make suggestions, he tells me to stop telling him what to do and then points out all my shortcomings as a mother. We have been in a cycle of getting along for awhile, fighting increases, **** hits the fan, and then he professes his love and tells me how important our family is to him. I give in with little agreement for change and the whole cycle starts again. When we are getting along, life can be enjoyable. We have a lot of common interests, he is a good provider for our family. It is not all bad, but I am definitely not getting what I want emotionally.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

The way you communicate is important too, not only your husbands. Simply ask him in a loving way why he doesn't want to go to a counselor. What does he feels if you tell him to go to a counselor. You need that both of you. And you should give some of your books to him or watch your preferred marriage videos on youtube together of read him aloud some of your books and ask what he thinks.
My impression is that both of you have underdeveloped communications skills. And there is nothing gained in being right. So let him deal with the kids his way, unless he is abusive.


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