# Husband is divorcing me, but tries to act nice sometimes



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok so husband and I are divorcing. He has an affair, got caught, denies obvious evidence, feels no remorse or at least to say I am sorry. He initiated the divorce, not me and he wants to do it the quickie way. Some of you have probably read my post on Coping with Infidelity: Almost 99% sure it is an affair.

He gets uncomfortable when I mention the affair or the other woman. Otherwise he is barely at home, partly because my mom is here partly because he does not care to be at home. My conversatons with him are business like, only whatever it involves our child. He tries to be nice now, offering me to go for some teeth whitening treatment(something we discussed months ago), does not object me shopping(I have lost so much weight under stress I really need new clothes) and other things.

Is he feeling guilty? Why is he acting this way after hurting me so much? Is he trying to keep me from talking about his affair which could have a huge blow on his career? All I want right now is to punch him in the face. Oh and the affair is still going on I know that for sure. 

We are having our first meeting with the lawyers this week. I am just trying to find some understanding about his behaviour. Occaisionally he will give me a hard time about something(like the choice of my lawyer) but later he backed down because he almost admitted the affair by accident.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

My guess - he doesn't want you pissed off at him when it comes time to divide the spoils. The more you still have feelings for him, the more likely he is to get what he wants.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

notreadytoquit said:


> Ok so husband and I are divorcing. He has an affair, got caught, denies obvious evidence, feels no remorse or at least to say I am sorry. He initiated the divorce, not me and he wants to do it the quickie way. Some of you have probably read my post on Coping with Infidelity: Almost 99% sure it is an affair.


wait a second...you say he's had an affair, got caught....then you say you're "almost 99% sure it's an affair."




notreadytoquit said:


> ........I am just trying to find some understanding about his behaviour. Occaisionally he will give me a hard time about something(like the choice of my lawyer) but later he backed down because he almost admitted the affair by accident.


now he has "almost" admitted the affair? now i'm not doubting the existence of an affair. but YOU ARE...

if he did it, there are ways to work through it...i guess unless he's really following through with this quickie divorce...

but tell him there's a doubt in your mind about the affair (because admittedly THERE IS!)...tell him you agree that some steps must be taken if there was adultery...get him to open up. you maybe be surprised by his answer..theres a ton of stuff going on in your life that might push him away...stuff you've already talked about here...your mom, his job, his space really...anyway, give that a shot. i would hate to see a marriage blown up for the wrong, or solveable (is that a word?!?) problems...

God bless...


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

That was just the title on my topic. At that time I did not know 100% about the affair but then I got my proof(emails, caught them in a restaurant etc). He is not admitting anything as of this moment. He is denying emails where he tells her he loves her, where he tells her that the sofa will be waiting for them at such and such hotel. He is trying to make a fool out of everyone. In the meantime he is filing for divorce(not me him). So the affair is real and still going on.

In the meantime he is trying to act nice(sometimes when he is at home which is not very often other than at night). 

So that is why I wondered how to explain all that behaviour.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually voivod, there is no doubt whatsoever that her husband had an affair. She has 100% proof. 

That was the name of her thread in the Coping with Infidelity area of this forum. At the time when she started the thread she was 99% sure and then found irrefutable evidence. 

She has exposed the affair and the evidence to her family and his family and elsewhere as is appropriate, but her husband is pretending the affair does not exist. He will NOT discuss it with her or his family, he avoids it, and is basically trying to say that he was "never happy" (yet he never showed it or discussed it in ten years) and trying to push through a quickie divorce. 

We can not "make" him admit he is having an affair, but he most definitely IS.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Are you in a no-fault state? If not, he has every reason to keep denying the affair. Otherwise, he's being nice b/c he can be--he's not the one hurting, he sees this as unfortunate but not horrible, b/c he is not the one being left. He doesn't hate you and doesn't want to hurt you--but he doesn't want to be married to you anymore either. 

It could be more nefarious--trying to keep you from making too many demands in the divorce. But if you are in a community property state, that won't matter as much, either. 

Good luck. Sorry to hear about the demise of your marriage.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

And if you are not in a no fault state a PI with plenty of hard evidence will be more than worth the money paid.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I am in a no fault state. We are from Canada so we don't really have any big assets here like property. 
We have no assets in Canada either. As for assets to be divided we are talking some furniture, a car, retirement savings, and some cash in the bank. Also my lawyer said something about getting some of his airline miles and hotel points.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Are you in a no-fault state? If not, he has every reason to keep denying the affair. Otherwise, he's being nice b/c he can be--he's not the one hurting, he sees this as unfortunate but not horrible, b/c he is not the one being left. He doesn't hate you and doesn't want to hurt you--but he doesn't want to be married to you anymore either.
> 
> It could be more nefarious--trying to keep you from making too many demands in the divorce. But if you are in a community property state, that won't matter as much, either.
> 
> Good luck. Sorry to hear about the demise of your marriage.


He had more than one opportunity to have an honest talk with me not just in the last few months but in the last few years. Instead, he went to have an affair(that is still on), he lied, he went to extreme lenghts to cover up and deny the affair without even saying a simple I am sorry. And that's what hurt me the most. He claims he loves our child yet when we spoke in Feb before I found out about the affair he said: I was not going to leave you pregnant. That REALLY hurt. He decided to pick the cowardly way out of marriage instead of having the balls to admit like a real man what really was the problem.

His mom and brother have not even called in the last week or so to even ask how I or the baby are doing. Yes my mother is here but that should not stop them from calling and asking. That's just human at least I think it is. I know they have been speaking with him on his cell phone but he does not say anything to me of course. So much for the family that said they cared.

I really hate him right now I really do. If I could kick him between the legs I would right now. But I know that is counterproductive so I won't do it.

As for exposing the affair there are still few significant people that I can tell about it but at the advise of my lawyer I will wait until the divorce is over.

I know time heals everything or most things but it will be a long time before I could trust another man let alone marry one.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here's my honest guess, notreadytoquit. 

He's being nice so you keep it a quickie divorce here in the USA. Here in the U.S., it's no fault, done in 90 days, and then he can pretend his relationship with the OW is "legitimate."

On the other hand, if you transfer this to Canada--which is the country of your citizenship, it's EXTREMELY to his disadvantage. First, there is a minimum one-year waiting period so he'd have to keep his affair secret-ish for that whole time. Second, there is fault in Canada and you can easily prove Adultery if you wish--which will cost him. Third, child support and division of assets in Canada very greatly favors the wife especially if she has primary custody of the child, so that even if you don't have assets now, he'll be "on the hook" for bigger payments. 

notready, he is trying to rush this and push it through. At minimum, even here in the USA, I'd indicate this divorce is NOT mutual, you don't think it's irreconcilable, and ask the court to order marital counseling for 60 days.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

But we are going through the collaborative process not the traditional divorce(which would really cost me the big bucks that I don't have right now). I understand your advice about moving it to Canada but simply me moving there is not enough to ask for that motion to be carried. I have to be established with residence, job to show my intent that I am there for good and that would take some time. My Canadian lawyer just came back from vacation and I will ask him what I can do as far as chaning the venue and if I would have any recourse of reopening my settlement to get something more in Ontario after I settle in CT(this maybe an option too that the OW may not be happy about him spending extra money). But I will try to see what I can do. 

On the other hand how do you force someone to be with you if they don't really want? I sometimes think he has already come to accept those terms and having OW in his life it's just makes it easier for him. I mean, in Feb before I knew about the affair and when I suggested MC he went and saw a lawyer and inquired about everything relating to divorce. So he already planned on all this.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> But we are going through the collaborative process not the traditional divorce(which would really cost me the big bucks that I don't have right now). I understand your advice about moving it to Canada but simply me moving there is not enough to ask for that motion to be carried. I have to be established with residence, job to show my intent that I am there for good and that would take some time. My Canadian lawyer just came back from vacation and I will ask him what I can do as far as chaning the venue and if I would have any recourse of reopening my settlement to get something more in Ontario after I settle in CT(this maybe an option too that the OW may not be happy about him spending extra money). But I will try to see what I can do.


Oh notready, I think you may be misunderstanding my answer. You asked this board basically "He's divorcing me so why is he being nice?" Well...that's why. Because if you decide to, you can say, "I've decided to NOT do a quickie divorce." Or if you decide to, you can say, 'I've decided to make the effort to move it to Canada." Both of those would be of great detriment to him because they would cost him more in the short run, more in the long run, and mainly--they would cost him by having to "hide" is other woman longer. 

Also this is just a note to inform you...not to say you do or do not have to do this...but if you do choose a divorce that is not collaborative, there is an option in most states to Waive the Fees of the filing. You usually have to file an Affadavit of Finances or something to explain WHY you aren't able to pay the filing fees, but then the judge can waive the fee altogether or can set a lower amount and a payment plan (like: you have to pay $100 and you have five months to pay it off). So please do not agree to collaborate due to "money" if your heart is not in it. 



> On the other hand how do you force someone to be with you if they don't really want? I sometimes think he has already come to accept those terms and having OW in his life it's just makes it easier for him. I mean, in Feb before I knew about the affair and when I suggested MC he went and saw a lawyer and inquired about everything relating to divorce. So he already planned on all this.


Notready, this isn't to "force" him to be with you. In case you didn't know, the larger majority of affairs will often die out of their own accord within two years if the spouse were to just "wait it out." That is because the vast majority are not based in reality at all, and after a while the bloom is off the rose and guess what? The grass isn't greener! So in this instance, even if you did nothing but stall, chances are that it's possible the affair would end and he'd want to come back to the marriage. If you did something in addition to stalling so that you met some of his needs and helped him to see that a divorce is going to cost him and be painful (not punishing but more like, "Hey this is reality: divorces hurt, are not fast, are not easy, and cost you something you hold precious") that would add to the likelihood that he might want to come back to the marriage.

From what I can see, of your own accord you want to divorce. There's nothing wrong with that--he was unfaithful and in every possible way that gives you the right to divorce with a clean conscience. But if you really, seriously, honestly DO NOT WANT THIS DIVORCE, that means you will have to do things against "his way." My guess is that this is a pattern you two have: he denies and denies and denies, in hopes that you will just give in and give him his way. After a while, you get so frustrated, you just give in and whatever the very real issue was is ignored because he pretends it doesn't exist and you won't stand up to him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's trying to retain his 'dignity' because if he goes after you or irritates you, he knows you can make his life hell.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Since he is still denying things, would it make me look bad if I continue to expose his affair to other people? These people could be important in his career later but are also ones who have known me for a while now too(even before we got married).

I was thinking of giving him a list of people that know and see how he reacts. He is aware of some but maybe not all people I have told
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No point telling him if you are dead set on divorce.

If you still want to save the marriage, do it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

He is dead set on divorce not me. He said today in our collaborative meeting that I am making allegations about his affair and that I have been telling people.I also mentioned that I have been really hurt by his actions(the affair and his actions afterwards). He brought up about me hacking his cell phone account. I told them what I did and I said that I was not proud of what I had to do but as invested party in my marriage I had to know what was going on. I also told them that he lied to me when we had our talk in Feb about having another person in his life.

As turnera said earlier some people would rather die than admit an affair. However once things are done and over I will be telling two more people who might be very interested in knowing about this and can affect my H reputation in a big way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> ... He said today in our collaborative meeting that I am making allegations about his affair and that I have been telling people...


It is NOT an allegation when it is the truth and there is another woman and there is an affair. Personally, I can PROVE that I'm not cheating on my Dear Hubby, and I allow him to look at all my accounts: email, phone, cell, IM's etc. If he actually is having an affair (and telling another woman he loves her counts), then it is not an allegation. It is a fact. It is the truth. Pretending and denying is what is false. 



> He brought up about me hacking his cell phone account. I told them what I did and I said that I was not proud of what I had to do but as invested party in my marriage I had to know what was going on.


Again, he's trying to deflect from his affair. The fact is that as his spouse you are authorized, and further you have consulted an attorney who said it may not be a "lovely" thing to do but it is legal. Thus if you didn't break the law (and in CT that's recording a call without both parties knowing...or unauthorized use of a PC to alter the data or cause it to not work) then this is blowing hot air. Rather than face and admit his affair, which is a major, marriage-destroying behavior, he is trying to deflect to what you did when he tried to cover up his affair. 



> ... However once things are done and over I will be telling two more people who might be very interested in knowing about this and can affect my H reputation in a big way.


Just to be very clear on this: this would NOT be exposure, and this would NOT be condoned or encouraged by either me or Tanelorn. When we encourage people to expose the affair, it is directly with the intent of stopping the affair so the marriage can be saved, and informing the people who might a) influence the disloyal to stop or b) support/encourage the loyal through the hard road of fighting for their marriage. 

I don't see that you are doing this in order to stop the affair, as you say "...once things are done and over..." I don't see that you are doing this to save the marriage, as you're indicating it would be after the divorce is over. I don't see that this is to support or encourage you as you fight for your marriage. I do see it is to harm your ex-husband's reputation. Thus my only conclusion would be that is would be vindictiveness, pure and simple, and frankly I can not condone that. 

Thus, at this time, I would like to wish you well, notready, and pray for your sake that the divorce is swift.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok so at the end you are saying that I should continue exposing it and basically take a chance that if reconcilliation happens it happens. I guess that way my chances are 50/50 while we are still doing this process.

Also today my lawyer gave him quite the slack about him shuffling the money, cutting off my access to online banking,my cell phone etc. So at the end of the meeting H was in a pretty bad mood. My H lawyer suggested few solutions that were ok with me in regards to the money but H was fretting. So at the end we agreed to certain things and it is up to him to get stuff straightened out.

When I see his behaviour now I question it if it is worthwhile staying married to someone like this, as much as I would like to have my marriage back. For now I will go with the divorce but we will see what happens later. I am curious how long his affair would last especially when he starts travelling overseas sometimes couple weeks at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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