# Some help and non judgmental advice please



## choochoogirl

Hi .. I am new to forums and really would like some advice. I have been married for almost 9 years and together for 12. We have two beautiful children. After the birth of number two, we really disconnected. Found ourselves heading in different directions and our paths not crossing much ... kinda like two ships sailing in the night sky. We both started our own interests and unfortunately as part of my interest I met someone and immediately connected. That was over 18 months ago now. What started as simple texting, developed into an emotional affair and has been an intimate affair for a long while. Over the period of the affair I have tried in vein to cut ties with the other person, I have been to counselling with my husband and really just tried to forget that I did something so dreadful and terrible. The fact is I have really grown to love the other person and whilst I care immensly for my husband, I am no longer in love with him. I decided finally that perhaps a trial separation is in order, my husband is being very understanding as we both just want the absolute best for the kids. As part of this trial separation, the other person has said he will stand by me and "catch me when I fall" ... yet he is still active on a dating website. I know I have caused him pain by not making a decision about my marriage ... but what if I am making a huge mistake, throwing away my life with my kids and my husband for someone that is not being completely honest with me. How will I ever know what is the right choice to make until I've ruined everyone's lives ... I am really confused and upset. I know I am a bad person, so please don't judge me anymore that I already judge myself. Thanks to anyone for listening.


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## Wazza

Hi Choochoo.

Yes what you are doing is wrong, but people make mistakes. You can't change what has already happened but you can change things going forward.

Your OM was willing to bed a married woman, is wiling to break up the marriage, and is still on a dating website. It seems pretty clear what he thinks about marriage and commitment.

So that half is easy to understand. You just need to do it, and since you demonstrably can't end it with this man alone, you need help.

What to do with your husband is harder. There are ways to work on the marriage but they require commitment from both of you.

What did the counsellor and your husband say during counselling when you told them you were seeing the other man, and had been intimate with him?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

That other man will never be there for you. As soon as he's done with you.. your history.

Get yourself help. Having an affair is always hurtful and extremely selfish. Your darn lucky your husband stands by you and not have a full blown affair himself. Find a way to stay faithful.


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## choochoogirl

My husband does not know about the affair. :-(


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## choochoogirl

I never thought I would be the sort if person to do this to my husband and my children. Sadly I am not in love with my husband anymore and he agrees with me that we have disconnected. I guess not knowing the next step and which way to go is the hardest thing of all. I would definitely consider reconciliation if I felt long term I could be happy ... The fact is I haven't been happy for a very long time.


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## that_girl

How do you know if you don't love your husband any more if you're still in the fog of an affair?

How sad. Come clean and deal with the consequences. I feel bad for the kids.


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> My husband does not know about the affair. :-(


I did suspect that.

First, do you agree with my assessment about the other man, or do you think there is a future there? Please tell me what you think.

Now, how do you think you can feel a connection with your husband while you are hiding a secret like that? How can counselling seriously help anything when a secret like that is not discussed? 

This is not being judgemental, but just making sure you are aware...you are actively destroying your marriage. It's not something that just happened. You are making it happen.

Have a read of this and se what you recognise in it :

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

Tell us whether you recognise anything of your own situation in that link.

The problem is, that in order to fix things now, you have to tell your husband about the affair. And when you do that, he may choose to end the marriage regardless of what you want or think.

But if you don't tell him, the affair will eat at you and destroy intimacy. The marriage won't recover, and will either end anyway or limp along being terrible.

No easy solutions. Are you willing to really try, knowing it will be hard.


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## choochoogirl

I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ... But our lives are so very different. I have Vernon a financially secure relationship for 12 years we want for nothing. The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother. Part of me feels like I am his ticket out of his relationship. That article is spot on ... I have a lot of work to do but honestly I can't come clean ... I will live with the guilt before doing that :-/


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## choochoogirl

*vernon = been in ... Apologies


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You need to tell your husband. The sooner, the better. Don't wait until your caught. Be honest, tell him everything.

You'll never get past this and move forward without him knowing.

I can tell you that you won't ever have a future with this OM. He only sees you as a sex object. When he's done with you, he'll move onto the next woman. You are really in a fog if you see a future with him. 

You at least owe it to your husband the truth at minimum.


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## that_girl

36 and living with his mother?

:rofl:

Stop this now. Stop it. Get out of the fog and this this OM(G) for what he IS! Holy no. Stop it.


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## that_girl

And come clean. Seriously, do it. It's not about you anymore. It's giving your husband the choice if he wants to work with you and fix this OR take time to figure out what to do OR divorce you.

Own it.


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## life101

I don't understand why people give away what they have in hand in the hope of what they think the other hand is holding? 'The grass is almost never greener on the other side, it is green where you water the grass.'


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## spazmonkey

choochoogirl said:


> I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ... But our lives are so very different. I have Vernon a financially secure relationship for 12 years we want for nothing. The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother. Part of me feels like I am his ticket out of his relationship. That article is spot on ... I have a lot of work to do but honestly I can't come clean ... I will live with the guilt before doing that :-/


OK... not trying to judge here... but the guy is 36, no license, and still living with mom. Say hypothetically you two were to end up together, my guess is that you would be his new mommy, not his significant other. Sounds to me like this guy is looking for a "sugar momma"... and if you don't come through for him, hey like you said, he's still on that dating site. 

Even if you can't make it work with your husband, my advice is run and run fast from that other guy...


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ... But our lives are so very different. I have Vernon a financially secure relationship for 12 years we want for nothing. The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother. Part of me feels like I am his ticket out of his relationship. That article is spot on ... I have a lot of work to do but honestly I can't come clean ... I will live with the guilt before doing that :-/


Did you mean "absolutely a future" or "absolutely no future"? I assume the latter?


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## choochoogirl

I actually mean I think there is a future with the other guy ... I do agree with so many of your comments. I know how wrong things are, how insecure financially my future would definitely be with the other guy ... But honestly how do you stop feelings that you firmly believe in your heart to be real?


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## choochoogirl

The thing is my head knows what to do ... But everytime I do it (end things or have an argument that will break me and OM) my heart betrays me and I find myself begging to win him back :-/ .... What the hell is wrong with me. Honestly the s$x is amazing ... The best and most intimate I have ever felt ... But on deeper more serious levels like financial stability it us a no contest ... My husband makes $9k a month vs OM $2.5k a month ... We have absolutely everything materially we/I could ever want ... Yet my heart keeps betraying me :-( ... The other difficulty I have is that I do see the OM 3-4 times a week as a result of a sport we both love and do together ... I don't want to give that away.


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> I actually mean I think there is a future with the other guy ... I do agree with so many of your comments. I know how wrong things are, how insecure financially my future would definitely be with the other guy ... But honestly how do you stop feelings that you firmly believe in your heart to be real?


It's hard. 

I've been there. After my wife's affair our marriage was pretty bad, and I went and fell in love with someone else. Thank goodness that someone else was not open to an affair otherwise I might have made a terrible mistake. But getting over her still hurt.

So what I did....

First, I decided that I had to stay faithful to my wife. I had to keep the promise I made when I married her.

Second, I cut off all inappropriate contact with that woman. She was a work colleague, so I had to still see her, but I had to not let myself work on those feelings and keep feeding them.

Third, I told that woman, so that she would not accidentally lead me on.

Fourth, I told my wife and asked for help. That was really hard. It would be harder for you, since I just had to confess to feelings. You have to admit to acting on them.

Additionally, in your case the sex is probably clouding your judgement. Stop going to his bed. Get someone you can trust to keep you honest on this, because left to yourself you haven't so far demonstrate the willpower necessary to contain yourself. 

So, what's the alternative.

You are going to build a lasting relationship with someone so committed to you he is still active on a dating website?

You are going to put your feelings for your lover ahead of your children's chance to have a family growing up? Can you live with that?

You are an accountant. Sit down and figure out what this is going to do to your financial future. You talked about financial insecurity. You know that your income is going to drop. Why not take out of your salary the amount you will have to spend on a separate household and try and live on that for a couple of months. It might also be interesting to find out whether your lover stays with you when he sees the reduced finances your divorce will cause.

Or do you intend to take your husband for all you can, destroy his finances to make yours better? Can you really do that to someone who has been such a good husband? Can you live with yourself. 

This all looks so terrible when I write it. I feel like I am tearing into you, but honestly I'm not. I'm just describing your situation as I see it.

You are an intelligent person. You know that. Don't argue with the emotions of what I just wrote. Argue with the facts.

Can you really do this and live with yourself? Can you look your children in the eye? 

Sigh....I have to write this last bit. Please don't hate me. My wife had the same thing. Her affair partner was younger, and with better prospects than you describe, but he was a young guy who lived with his parents. All he wanted was to get her into bed. And she's a smart woman but at the time she was struggling with the same decision you are....to leave me for him.

Now, she realises how dumb she was. How wrong. She struggles to live with herself.

Honestly ChooChoo, if you don't get your head out of your backside about this, you are in for so much pain. Inflicting it on yourself is your right. Inflicting it on your husband and children is not.

So, you said you feel terrible. You said you know what you are doing is wrong.

Prove it........


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## choochoogirl

Thanks wazza ... You are exactly what my conscience needs ... THANKYOU so very much.


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## oncehisangel

that_girl said:


> 36 and living with his mother?
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> Stop this now. Stop it. Get out of the fog and this this OM(G) for what he IS! Holy no. Stop it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


you know honey..if your pour all that love back into your real man there at home you you might find those feelings you had when you first met might come back tenfold.

but get honest or its done

time to wake up sweetheart.


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## oncehisangel

choochoogirl said:


> Thanks wazza ... You are exactly what my conscience needs ... THANKYOU so very much.


there she is!!!

thadda girl....

go home babe..... go love your man right..


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> The thing is my head knows what to do ... But everytime I do it (end things or have an argument that will break me and OM) my heart betrays me and I find myself begging to win him back :-/ .... What the hell is wrong with me. Honestly the s$x is amazing ... The best and most intimate I have ever felt ... But on deeper more serious levels like financial stability it us a no contest ... My husband makes $9k a month vs OM $2.5k a month ... We have absolutely everything materially we/I could ever want ... Yet my heart keeps betraying me :-( ... The other difficulty I have is that I do see the OM 3-4 times a week as a result of a sport we both love and do together ... I don't want to give that away.


So, are you going to give up your marriage, husband, babies and financial security, or your sport?


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## choochoogirl

Thanks everyone. This forum has been the wake up call I have been needing. You are all great people. Thanks xx


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## happyman64

Choo Choo

Do not thank us. 

Thank your H when you tell him the truth.

And your H is not the disconnect. When a married person enters into a 3rd party relationship and lets themselves have emotions for someone other than their spouse well you know where you have ended up.

Another saying wehave around here is "They always affair down".

And guess what? You have.

You have admitted to your mistakes.But on here there are no consequences.

So tell your H the real reason why you are separating. 

As hurtful as this is hedeserves the truth.

Oh and by the way, you and your affair will hurt your children as well.

So instead of feeling guilty and sad for yourself do the right thing.

Get off the fence and choose.

Do so honestly.

Because no matter what you do about your marriage you will be looking in the miror for a long time.

What good is counselling if you cannot be honest with your H or your counsellor?????

That is the perfect place to tell him the truth.

Good Luck


HM64


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## woundedwarrior

Please stop the affair immediately. Sex becomes a dangerous drug, the more you get, the harder you fall, but it isn't real. My 1st wife cheated on me & as soon as we were officially divorced, the other guy lost interest & was gone. The truth is, this guy had sex with a married woman. If he really cared for you, he would have remained just a friend until you were sure your marriage was over.
I agree you have to tell your husband, but be prepared, wives that cheat aren't as forgiven as guys that do. Most women site "horniness" and can dismiss it, but guys' not too easily.
My rule has alway been to end one before you start another or you end up with nothing. Be smart


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## iheartlife

I am glad to read that you are going to try to do the right thing...not sure what that means to you precisely, but I hope it means that you are going to tell your husband and going to end it with the OM. 



choochoogirl said:


> I do feel like there is absolutely a future with the other man ...


When you said there was a future with the other man, I know I was far from alone in thinking that surely had to be a typo. Because then you said this:



> The OM has a very ordinary job (my husband and I are CPA's) and *he has no drivers Licence no assets no savings ... He is 36 living with his mother*.


If you were to leave your marriage, and take up with this man, what would happen next? Would you move in with his mom? Doubtful. No, you'd buy a house or rent a place for both of you to live.

If he needs to go somewhere, or you want to travel somewhere together, then what? I imagine he doesn't own a car, if he has no driver's license. (Or worse, he had a license, but he lost it due to irresponsible driving? Which is it?)

So if you enter a relationship with this man, the first thing I'd say is--don't move in with him until he can afford his own place; but even more to the point, if you were to marry him, you'd need a prenuptial agreement.

Given all of that--what kind of future would you have? One where you fund everything--and eventually learn to resent him. The sex might be good, but it ain't that good, I promise you.

-----------------------------

Last, here is the reason why you need to tell your husband:
Because he deserves to make a choice, just like you have.
You said earlier you wouldn't tell, you'd just live with the guilt.
So--have you tested yourself for STDs? Because it's tremendously unfair of you to exposre your husband, even inadvertently, because of your choices.

YOUR HUSBAND DESERVES TO MAKE HIS OWN CHOICES, JUST AS YOU HAVE.


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## IsGirl3

You've gotten great advice.

There are warning flags all around this guy. You don't see them because you think you're in love and your head is in the clouds. If you followed through with this guy, reality will come crashing down and it won't be as rosy as it seems now.

You were once in love with your husband. You have two beautiful kids. They are worth fighting for. But in time and after MC you don't think it will work with your husband, don't leave him for this guy. You'll be left empty-handed.


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## choochoogirl

I knew it was the right thing to ask for advice on here. So many of you have been there before and I value the unbiased advice. 

I am getting tremendous guilt from the OM. He wants me to shaft my husband, I keep the beautiful home I built with my husband for our kids and he eventually moves in ... Drives my Mercedes. I admit the fact that the OM has no drive and ambition to do better with his life has affected my long term decision as to what to do with him. I honestly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but that is inevitable. The OM will surely end up hating me ... Which does break my heart ... But at the same time he has had two years to better his life and do more for himself ... Yet the pressure keeps coming back onto me to make a decision to leave my husband and be with him. I did say in my first post that I have always thought if myself as his meal ticket out of his boring almost nothing life ... But why can't he see that he needs to bring something to the table ...

On the matter of my husband look things are ok but not rosy ... Things have happened in the last 12 months that have shown me his general lack of respect for me (before you all jump down my throat ... I know what I have done). He has bought 2 houses without asking me ... Put us into $800k worth if investment debt ... No questions no consultation. His general lack of empathy and behaviour with the children has also affected my love for him ... Much of it is hard to overcome. None of these are excuses I am we'll aware of that ...

Thanks ... Please keep the advice coming it is really helping me .


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## IsGirl3

Maybe it is over with the husband, but there is no way in h*ll that you will find your happily ever after with this mooching, low achieving, not accepting responsibility, guy. How are you going to feel when he somehow gets his license back, you buy him a nice car, make the monthly payments, and he slacks off even more, and you're footing all the bills, and he's frivolously spending your money. things don't look good with guy #2 either.

Fess up to your husband. Agree to counseling (if he doesn't kick you out) and maybe there's a spark there that can re-ignite with mutual respect.


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> I knew it was the right thing to ask for advice on here. So many of you have been there before and I value the unbiased advice.
> 
> I am getting tremendous guilt from the OM. He wants me to shaft my husband, I keep the beautiful home I built with my husband for our kids and he eventually moves in ... Drives my Mercedes. I admit the fact that the OM has no drive and ambition to do better with his life has affected my long term decision as to what to do with him. I honestly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but that is inevitable. The OM will surely end up hating me ... Which does break my heart ... But at the same time he has had two years to better his life and do more for himself ... Yet the pressure keeps coming back onto me to make a decision to leave my husband and be with him. I did say in my first post that I have always thought if myself as his meal ticket out of his boring almost nothing life ... But why can't he see that he needs to bring something to the table ...
> 
> On the matter of my husband look things are ok but not rosy ... Things have happened in the last 12 months that have shown me his general lack of respect for me (before you all jump down my throat ... I know what I have done). He has bought 2 houses without asking me ... Put us into $800k worth if investment debt ... No questions no consultation. His general lack of empathy and behaviour with the children has also affected my love for him ... Much of it is hard to overcome. None of these are excuses I am we'll aware of that ...
> 
> Thanks ... Please keep the advice coming it is really helping me .


So lover is happy not only to break up your marriage but also wants to screw your husband financially so he can get the asset base. 

If you don't love your husband, leave him. I'm honestly scratching my head that you can see any future with your lover other than being ripped off and discarded when he has what he wants.

Why would you expect a person who will do all the things you have listed to treat you right?


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## that_girl

The OM is nothing to you. Just a slime ball who wants to SHAFT the father of YOUR CHILD? The hell? And then take over all his stuff. And take your stuff. And your money.

WOW! That's LOVE! Not.


Seriously, don't worry about hurting this OM's feelings. He doesn't give a rat's arse about yours. Promise. He doesn't care about your kid, your family, nothing.


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## that_girl

And if you DO leave your husband, I hope you don't get greedy in the settlement. The OM gets NOTHING and the only thing you should get is child support. Don't add insult to injury by having your husband know he's paying for YOUR affair partner to live in HIS house. Omg. The horror.

My uncle is paying alimony to my aunt who is living in a house that HE bought her....with her lover. It's disgusting and I haven't spoken to her in 10 years because of it. Gold diggers are pathetic.

Leave or stay, but without greed.


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## Wazza

How is it going ChooChoo...any news?


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## choochoogirl

Well I'm seriously debating telling my mum today ... I need some emotional support before my head explodes.


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> Well I'm seriously debating telling my mum today ... I need some emotional support before my head explodes.


Good idea. Do it. Help you think clearer.


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## daisygirl 41

Lets just hope your boyfriend doesn't get pissed off when you dump him and tell your H himself!
Do the right thing!
End the A and tell him the truth and when he dumps you you'll realise just how much you want and need him afterall.
Sounds to me like you only want your H for the financial stability he can offer you. That's so unfair on him. Can you hear what you are saying?
You talk about upsetting your boy friend and letting him down? What about your poor H?
Stop being so selfish. Grow up and face what you have done! It's time to stop playing games with people's lives!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## choochoogirl

I know that and this is precisely why I'm on here getting perspective and advice much of it down the line with no beating around. I know I am using everyone and will lose in the end. I'm not unaware of that.


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## TBT

Seeing as you're disconnected in your marriage and the OM is dishonest and a user,maybe your best choice right now is to be on your own for awhile.


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## choochoogirl

I don't believe the OM is dishonest. He didn't feel I would ever leave so a dating website was his option. He has removed himself from it and I know that.


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## daisygirl 41

choochoogirl said:


> I know that and this is precisely why I'm on here getting perspective and advice much of it down the line with no beating around. I know I am using everyone and will lose in the end. I'm not unaware of that.


what perspective do you need honey?
You are cheating on you husband with a nobody. Its going to end badly, whatever happens. People are going to get hurt, there is no happy ending here1

You need to be a big girl and tidy up this mess you have created! Im sorry, you are totally unaware of the fall out from this!

Do the right thing, do you really really think this OM can make you happy? Ok the sex is great, but what happens when that wears off? What has he got to offer you?


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## choochoogirl

I am fully aware if the consequences of my actions ... I just honestly am trying to dig deep right now and find the courage to be honest with everyone around me. That is what I need help with. It's not easy facing the mess you have created and hurting everyone around you ... Then being alone.


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## daisygirl 41

choochoogirl said:


> I don't believe the OM is dishonest. He didn't feel I would ever leave so a dating website was his option. He has removed himself from it and I know that.


So does that mean you have told him you are leaving your husband?


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## daisygirl 41

choochoogirl said:


> I am fully aware if the consequences of my actions ... I just honestly am trying to dig deep right now and find the courage to be honest with everyone around me. That is what I need help with. It's not easy facing the mess you have created and hurting everyone around you ... Then being alone.


What do you need help with?
What do you expect us to say to you?
Thats a genuine question by the way.


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## choochoogirl

I have. But my husband is in the dark about much of the reason for our separation which is unfair.


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## daisygirl 41

choochoogirl said:


> I have. But my husband is in the dark about much of the reason for our separation which is unfair.


Yes it is unfair. you really need to find the courage to tell him yourself because he will find out eventually and it will be much worse hearing it from someone else. Believe me Ive been there!


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## Wazza

Lover is pressuring you. Be wary of trusting him too much too soon, even if you decide to go with him. 

A marriage takes commitment, controlling your feelings, and in return, when it works you get a whole new level of closeness. Be very careful the decisions you make and the pattern that they set.


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## daisygirl 41

I've PMd you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower

Hi Choochoo. I've just finished reading your thread and, as you have said, you've received excellent advice here. I want to raise an issue that has not so far been discussed. If you were to form a permanent relationship with OM, what about your children? I assume you would want at least joint custody with your H. That means they would be living with you and OM at least half of the time. How is that going to go? Is he willing to share his life with another man's children? With any children for that matter? This is a man who seems to have no ambition, who is still being taken care of by his mother. He is also someone who has acted extremely selfishly by getting involved with a woman who is still married. Even if he is willing to take them on, is this the sort of man you want step-parenting your children?


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## choochoogirl

Well everyone ... One significant party finally knows about me and the OM ... I told my mother today and it went well ... NOT! Everything that you have all said to me she just reiterated with more if I can't believe you have let yourself get into this mess ... The OM is now ready to just walk away cause its well too hard ... Telling people always puts the situation into perspective doesn't it :-/


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## Wazza

Frostflower said:


> Hi Choochoo. I've just finished reading your thread and, as you have said, you've received excellent advice here. I want to raise an issue that has not so far been discussed. If you were to form a permanent relationship with OM, what about your children? I assume you would want at least joint custody with your H. That means they would be living with you and OM at least half of the time. How is that going to go? Is he willing to share his life with another man's children? With any children for that matter? This is a man who seems to have no ambition, who is still being taken care of by his mother. He is also someone who has acted extremely selfishly by getting involved with a woman who is still married. Even if he is willing to take them on, is this the sort of man you want step-parenting your children?


Good point Frostflower.

ChooChoo, what has OM said about the kids?


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## Wazza

choochoogirl said:


> Well everyone ... One significant party finally knows about me and the OM ... I told my mother today and it went well ... NOT! Everything that you have all said to me she just reiterated with more if I can't believe you have let yourself get into this mess ... The OM is now ready to just walk away cause its well too hard ... Telling people always puts the situation into perspective doesn't it :-/


Right thing to do. You need support in this. Your Mum loves you. She will support you.

Well done.


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## moxy

Leave your affair partner. Confess to your husband. Give it a chance to work things out or split up. What you are doing now is in poor taste and it is good for no one.


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## EleGirl

Only about 3% of affairs ever last for long after they are exposed. 

Your OM wants to walk now? Makes sense. The affair has now changed. It's real and he now has responsibilities. One reason for a man living at home with mom to have an affair with a married woman is because there are no responsibilities.

There might have been distance between you and your husband when you started the affair. But once you started the affair there was zero chance of fixing your marriage. You took away your husband's chances of connecting to you.

This OM is not your answer. If anything he's your destruction.

end the affair and then settle your marriage. Either stay and repair your marriage or end it with dignity.


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## happyman64

Choo choo

Reality has a way of smacking us in the face.

Now tell your husband the truth today.

It is gonna hurt both of you but you need to inform him about why you really want to leave him.

I hope the fog lifts and you begin to make decisions clearly for everyone's sake.

Maybe your Mom can watch the kids while you break it to your Husband.

Sending courage and strength to you.

HM64


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## Frostflower

The fact that OM wants to walk away because its too hard should tell you that this was never about love for him.

Don't wait for him to walk away from you. Walk away from him. Walk right to your husband and tell him the truth. Let him make his choice. If he chooses to stay married, then you will have a decision to make. Do you love him? If the answer is no, then let him go. He deserves to be with someone who loves him.

But, should your marriage not survive this, don't go running back to OM. He has shown that he is not mature enough to commit to a lasting relationship with you. At least not to one built on love.


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## mel123

Your H will find out about your A sooner or later, it will come to light. The sooner you tell him the better, he deserves to know. I can tell you now, at this moment he senses something is wrong , he just isn't sure what it is.

You are also caring a burden, you need to be honest and transparent, you are destroying your self esteem, and your family in the process.

TELL THE TRUTH TO YOUR HUSBAND


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## Wazza

mel123 said:


> Your H will find out about your A sooner or later, it will come to light. The sooner you tell him the better, he deserves to know. I can tell you now, at this moment he senses something is wrong , he just isn't sure what it is.
> 
> You are also caring a burden, you need to be honest and transparent, you are destroying your self esteem, and your family in the process.
> 
> TELL THE TRUTH TO YOUR HUSBAND


As a betrayed spouse....this is sooooooo true. Heck you are separated....think he has worked out all is not well.

The other thing is, if you tell him he whole truth he has a basis to work on trust again. If he finds out elsewhere then you are an unrepentant liar in his eyes.


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## ilou

Boy lady, you are so in the fog you listed every reason why you shouldn't be with him and yet you want him.

"have a husband...makes more money...OM is still on the dating site....you feel like he's using you as a ticket to get out of his mom's house...no license and car...not to mention you have a husband".

It's like your the BS writing down all the bad points of the OM.

Good luck lady


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## moxy

You say you need help finding courage, but no one can truly hold your hand through this. You've got to find courage in you. Face yourself.

I know this will sound ridiculous, but go into a bathroom alone, look in the mirror and admit what you've done to yourself. Say it out loud. Look at yourself. Say it over and over to yourself until you realize that this IS reality and you cannot hide from it with secrecy, lies, or evasion. You need to face it.

Then, practice telling your husband. Say the words aloud. To a mirror, to a photo of him, whatever. Go this, as of practicing to give a speech. By the time you have steeled your resolve, you will be able to confess the truth to him.

Figure out whether you want H or OM. Really figure it out. Journal if it help. Write lists of pros and cons here. Figure out why you cheated. Figure out what joke you were trying to fill. And send OM a no contact letter. Mean it. Cut him out of your life for real. Then confess to your H. It's way worse if he finds out from someone else. If you decide you want OM, tell your H the truth do he can move on and act fast toward divorce and moving on.

The fact that you need help to get the courage to face your life suggests that counseling would do you good -a safe space to figure out how to improve what's lacking in you.


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## Olo912_Agape

Choochogirl -- Hi there I am in a similar situation. I would love to offer you my perspective and I promise not to be judgmental. If you like we can IM and I could share my story with you with the hopes that it brings you some clarity to your situation. [email protected].



choochoogirl said:


> Hi .. I am new to forums and really would like some advice. I have been married for almost 9 years and together for 12. We have two beautiful children. After the birth of number two, we really disconnected. Found ourselves heading in different directions and our paths not crossing much ... kinda like two ships sailing in the night sky. We both started our own interests and unfortunately as part of my interest I met someone and immediately connected. That was over 18 months ago now. What started as simple texting, developed into an emotional affair and has been an intimate affair for a long while. Over the period of the affair I have tried in vein to cut ties with the other person, I have been to counselling with my husband and really just tried to forget that I did something so dreadful and terrible. The fact is I have really grown to love the other person and whilst I care immensly for my husband, I am no longer in love with him. I decided finally that perhaps a trial separation is in order, my husband is being very understanding as we both just want the absolute best for the kids. As part of this trial separation, the other person has said he will stand by me and "catch me when I fall" ... yet he is still active on a dating website. I know I have caused him pain by not making a decision about my marriage ... but what if I am making a huge mistake, throwing away my life with my kids and my husband for someone that is not being completely honest with me. How will I ever know what is the right choice to make until I've ruined everyone's lives ... I am really confused and upset. I know I am a bad person, so please don't judge me anymore that I already judge myself. Thanks to anyone for listening.


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## A++

Olo912_Agape said:


> Choochogirl -- Hi there I am in a similar situation. I would love to offer you my perspective and I promise not to be judgmental. If you like we can IM and I could share my story with you with the hopes that it brings you some clarity to your situation. [email protected].



Olo, I recommend that you edit your post to remove your email address, and PM it instead to safeguard your account.


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## LiamN

There has been some great advice here, and yet you still appear confused on what to do? The biggest problem with the situation you are in is that your judgement is being clouded by your emotions. 
Rather than try to decide Man A or Man B, why not sit down and try to figure out what you really want in life and the sort of person you want to share it with. What are your highest values? What would your ideal man's values be? what would you want him to think about such things as intimacy, finances, goals, spiritual outlook, your children (to name a few)>
Come up with as clear a picture as you can about what would be a happy life would be for you and honestly ask yourself if either man is going to really meet your needs in the long term.
There are warning bells about your lover, but you need to step back from the emotion somehow. There's nothing worse than jumping into a new relationship for all the wrong reasons.


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## VFW

Let’s see you are cheating on your husband, lying to him about the circumstance of your false reconciliation and you expected folks to support you….really? I can’t believe you didn’t at least consider your children. I’m sure that you love them, yet you want to expose them to the Barney that is living in his mommy’s basement. You think you have a future with a guy who has no ambition. Did your plan include you moving into his mom’s house or are you moving Barney in to replace a good husband? If you dust off your crystal ball, what you will find in a couple of years is: you expecting Barney Jr, him dropping you off at work in the BMW, while he tools around town all day. He can come home, check out the flavor of the month on his dating site, before picking you up in the afternoon. This is obviously absurd example, but so is your thought process here. You don’t get to be a CPA by being an unintelligent person, but this idea is so off the scale, Stevie Wonder can see this is a BAD idea. My advice is that you put your Big Girl pants on, tell your husband the truth and honestly work to fix this marriage. I think that in a couple years you will be happy you did.


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## The Cro-Magnon

"The sex is amazing, but he only earns $2k, where my husband earns $9k, what do I do? I'm such a victim"

Holy crap!

Pure fcuking evil.


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