# Problems in bedroom



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

I am posting this to get some insight and possibly some advice. Primarily, I am interested in the input from women, but from men will also be accepted. Please do not thread jack this post, keep it on topic.

Background: Been with each other for 40 years, married 38+. I am 57 and she is 56. We were in a dead bedroom for 6.5 years, due to my cancer, which is now taken care of. I have also been diagnosed with low T, 175, where is should be 900 - 1100 and am getting injections. My wife has rhuematod arthritis and is on meds for that. For my history, due to my undiagnosed cancer, my libido dropped, I had body inflamation, my energy dropped and I had constant fatigue. I also gained quite a bit of weight during this period. For my wife, her RA meds (steroids) contribute to weight gain too. Since recovering from cancer and surgery (radical left nephrectomy), my energy has returned, I am working out and have lost 30 lbs. already. My wife tries to walk some with me, but not as much. She has been able to lose around 10 lbs.

The issue we are having is, it is almost impossible to have PIV relations. As she said last night "we just don't fit together like that anymore", and this is physically. We are and have maintained intimacy, we cuddle, do stuff together, we do not fight. I can live without the full sexual experience, but would obviously not want to.

Mentally, I feel unattractive due to my weight and am working on it. I also have a bit of an issue being aroused by her physically, due to her weight as well. I love her and she is the only woman I desire to be intimate with, emotionally or sexually.

I am rather reticent about discussing the need for her to work on physical fitness with me. Besides the aspect of it making our love life fully functional again, carrying this weight is determental physically in the long term. I am not expecting either of us to suddenly revert to the status of our 20's or 30's, but being obese is now negeatively effecting both of us individually and as a couple. Prior to my surgery, I had gotten to be 80 lbs over-weight and my wife is about 60 lbs. overweight.

I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I am not attracted to her or am sexually repulsed. I genuinely desire her and enjoy being intimate with her. I am just at a loss on how to approach the need to reprioritze physical fitness for all the benefits.

We both work full time and our kids are grown and out of the house. When we get home from work, we eat and then we generally watch TV together for an hour or so. I then go power walk. My wife, watches TV a lot. She records all the medical, police and fire shows and literally spends 20 - 25 hours watching TV, while I am working out or working in the yard, etc.

Maybe I just need to accept things how they are. I would not divorce her, commit infidelity or treat her badly. I would like to convince her to work with me and make our sex life and our physical lives better as we continue to age together.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Boots, I'm glad to hear you made it through the cancer scare! Congrats. I'll let the female members address your questions as requested, but do want to strongly encourage you to get on testosterone replacement therapy. With levels that low, I can almost guarantee that you will feel like a new man within a few weeks of starting the injections (skip the creams if you can, although some doctors will make you start there). Your workouts will be better and have better results, you'll have a much easier time dropping weight, and you will perform better in the bedroom and you will just flat out feel better. Let us know how that works out for you.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Boots, I'm glad to hear you made it through the cancer scare! Congrats. I'll let the female members address your questions as requested, but do want to strongly encourage you to get on testosterone replacement therapy. With levels that low, I can almost guarantee that you will feel like a new man within a few weeks of starting the injections (skip the creams if you can, although some doctors will make you start there). Your workouts will be better and have better results, you'll have a much easier time dropping weight, and you will perform better in the bedroom and you will just flat out feel better. Let us know how that works out for you.


I started injections this last Monday.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BootsAndJeans said:


> The issue we are having is, it is almost impossible to have PIV relations. As she said last night "we just don't fit together like that anymore", and this is physically.


I suggest an easy fix, an easy fit.

Your wife lays on her back at the edge of the bed. You stand facing her.
With her legs straight up, and resting on your shoulders.

With a little wiggling, everything will fit, and pop into place.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

OK, I think that I can sympathize with you. I and my wife are in our early 70's and have been married 51 years, Shortly after our kids left and established their won families we drifted into a sex starved marriage. With the help of a really great marriage counselor and board certified sex therapist our marriage was saved. My situation was one of us emotionally drifting apart. Yours is more of medical problems forcing the two of your to drift apart sexually.

Prior to retirement, we did another round of marriage counseling. One of my stated goals to the MC was to discuss how we were going to handle retaining intimacy and emotional love as we become more fragile as we age. AARP has guides on Sex for older people. There are podcasts from people like: Joan Price -Senior Sex

The Sex Therapist told us that if you don't use it, you will loose the ability to do it. My take on that is that you need to keep finding ways to physically and emotionally connect with your partner either sexually or sensually. The ST provided us with Sensate Focus Exercises that really help save our sex starved marriage. Sensate Focus Exercises

You also might investigate a book call Still Sexy after all these Years. It is a set of interviews with older women who have either for medical reasons, death, divorce, etc. no longer have a sexual partner and what they do to find love, intimacy, and sensual pleasure in their lives. I found the book kind of depressing, but I read it when I was in a sex starved marriage. 

Keep an optimistic attitude, don't blame your spouse, look for positive examples. You and your wife are not alone in facing sexual problems associated with growning old and poor health. You can find a sex therapist who specializes in older adults.

Good luck.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I am posting this to get some insight and possibly some advice. Primarily, I am interested in the input from women, but from men will also be accepted. Please do not thread jack this post, keep it on topic.
> 
> Background: Been with each other for 40 years, married 38+. I am 57 and she is 56. We were in a dead bedroom for 6.5 years, due to my cancer, which is now taken care of. I have also been diagnosed with low T, 175, where is should be 900 - 1100 and am getting injections. My wife has rhuematod arthritis and is on meds for that. For my history, due to my undiagnosed cancer, my libido dropped, I had body inflamation, my energy dropped and I had constant fatigue. I also gained quite a bit of weight during this period. For my wife, her RA meds (steroids) contribute to weight gain too. Since recovering from cancer and surgery (radical left nephrectomy), my energy has returned, I am working out and have lost 30 lbs. already. My wife tries to walk some with me, but not as much. She has been able to lose around 10 lbs.
> 
> ...


No, you should not just accept this situation as it is. 50s is way too young to be sexless.

You will need to lead this for both of you. Set the expectations with your wife that you will both be getting fitter, healthier, and better together.

1. Diet is everything. You both can lose significant weight just by managing your nutrition properly. Cut out the sugar and excess carbs and unnecessary calories. 
Obviously you should be working out as well, but start being very serious with the diet and nutrition.

2. Your wife needs a more active lifestyle. She needs to be doing more things, going more places and actually living life.
And you are going to need to lead that.
There’s nothing wrong with vegging in front of the TV for a bit, but it sounds out of balance and unhealthy in this case.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I am posting this to get some insight and possibly some advice. Primarily, I am interested in the input from women, but from men will also be accepted. Please do not thread jack this post, keep it on topic.
> 
> Background: Been with each other for 40 years, married 38+. I am 57 and she is 56. We were in a dead bedroom for 6.5 years, due to my cancer, which is now taken care of. I have also been diagnosed with low T, 175, where is should be 900 - 1100 and am getting injections. My wife has rhuematod arthritis and is on meds for that. For my history, due to my undiagnosed cancer, my libido dropped, I had body inflamation, my energy dropped and I had constant fatigue. I also gained quite a bit of weight during this period. For my wife, her RA meds (steroids) contribute to weight gain too. Since recovering from cancer and surgery (radical left nephrectomy), my energy has returned, I am working out and have lost 30 lbs. already. My wife tries to walk some with me, but not as much. She has been able to lose around 10 lbs.
> 
> ...


You had something of a near death experience and you are now wanting to live life,, and in her current condition she is probably not too far off from some kind of life impacting if not life threatening event or condition herself.

I’m not sure why people have so much trouble addressing the fact that a healthy diet and getting out of the chair and moving around is a life enhancing and even life saving endeavor that is beneficial to all aspects of one’s existence. 

At this point you don’t even need to use the words weight, diet, exercise etc etc.

Just say you want to live life and want her to live life with you and to do that you both need to start eating healthier and getting out of the house doing more things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You said that she is on steroids due to rheumatoid arthritis and that this made her gain weight. Was she a lot slimmer before? Is she still on steroids? If so then it may be very hard to lose that weight the medication has made her gain. One of my cousins had a wife who gained a lot on steroids, she was average before that. 

As for exercise, if she watches a lot of tv would she use an exercise bike or rowing machine while she watches for half an hour each evening?


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

You sound like a very loving husband. I hope she knows how lucky she is. 

I would not advise mentioning anything about 'weight' or you being disappointed in Your intimate life.

Shame is a terrible motivator and will throw a big bucket of ice water on your wife's sex drive. It will be all she can think of when she is intimate with you. 
Every woman wants to feel beautiful and that her contribution to the marriage and family is valued. Every. Single. One. 

I would start by reinforcing how much you love her and want to have a long and happy, active life together. 

If finances allow book dancing lessons. It's is a great way to rub up against each other in an intimate way and depending on the dance can be quite physical. 
Or
Book a holiday to warm place and set goals for both of you to reach before the holiday. 

Start taking swimming lessons or going to water aerobics. Do it together. 

Instead of watching TV in the evening light some candles, turn off the TV, put on some music and slow dance. 

Is there a charity that is close to her heart. Challenge her to help raise money with a walk. There are often organise walks or runs every couple of months. 

Give her fun and goals that make her feel valued worth while. She needs something to look forward to other than salads, shame and gruelling workouts 

It sounds like you have both come through a lot together. This challenge can be as fun as you make it. There are several you tubers that have lost weight and got fit as a couple. It is very doable at your ages.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Look, weight loss for women, specifically weight loss for women over 50, and specifically a large amount of weight loss for a woman over 50 (I do consider 60 lbs. a lot of weight to lose) is not as simple as eating an occasional salad and taking the stairs. She is looking at a year, possibly longer (if she loses it in a healthy way, no surgery). It will be hard, she will be tired, sore, unable to sleep, and constantly hungry, and it will be around 6 months before there is a visible difference. It is very intimidating when you think about a journey this long, it's overwhelming and depressing and seems insurmountable. I've been fighting this fight for years, she's already at an advantage because you're supportive of her weight loss, but it's so bad I'm considering drastic measures in my marriage. This is NOT a small thing. 

She has to want it, and I'm willing to bet that she actually does. No woman really thinks she is beautiful when she's fat. (I know, Lizzo and body positivity, blah blah blah, those women are lying. Lizzo cries herself to sleep after eating a bag of Oreos, I promise she does.) Sometimes it takes a jolt to make someone take action. She's an adult. Her weight is a health hazard, plain and simple. She's destroying her heart, her liver, her kidneys and her joints. If she isn't listening to the doctor, it may be past time for niceness. There is no kind and gentle way to say, "You're fat." No one likes to hear that. It's really unfair for you to have to say that to her, but at this point, it may be the only real option. Saying nothing may feel kind, but it's really not. And it's shouldn't fall to you to say it, she should take the initiative on her own. But she's not, and it's messing up your life too, and that isn't fair. 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice. What I can tell you is, even when she's all mad and hurt, she knows you're right. She hates her body, trust me. 

I don't know your wife at all, but a lot of women do really well with a support group. Weight Watchers has been around for a bazillion years because they are good at this. She can go to meetings, make new friends, talk to people online about her struggle, it's a really touchy-feely group that are super supportive or you can do it all online if you're not into the group thing (there's an app). If that is an option, I would encourage you to look into it. Then she won't feel so alone, she will meet women who are her age, who have lost more than she has to lose and who really understand all the feelings around eating, especially emotional eating. Lots of couples join together too, even though men lose so much faster it makes us mad.  WW is really, really slow usually, but it's also healthy and teaches you things like portion control and healthy eating habits. It really helps, IMO.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I have been on steroids more than a few times for my lungs. Each and every time I am ravenous! Starved! I'll even eat food I don't like. I am not at all surprised your wife has gained. I have, too, between age and various health issues. Seriously losing weight, especially in middle age, is hard. She'll need your support and encouragement. She will also probably need a kick in the butt and a reality check here and there, too.

You're going to have to have a talk with her. "Wife, I am worried about our health and the state of our marriage. I love you. I desire you. I need you to love yourself and me enough to make some changes. We need to count our calories, make better decisions, and be more active so we can fully enjoy the years we have remaining." 

Because that is the reality. You're on the back 9. Weight at this age is harder on the body than when we were younger. If she doesn't lose the weight she may very well die far too young.


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Look, weight loss for women, specifically weight loss for women over 50, and specifically a large amount of weight loss for a woman over 50 (I do consider 60 lbs. a lot of weight to lose) is not as simple as eating an occasional salad and taking the stairs. She is looking at a year, possibly longer (if she loses it in a healthy way, no surgery). It will be hard, she will be tired, sore, unable to sleep, and constantly hungry, and it will be around 6 months before there is a visible difference. It is very intimidating when you think about a journey this long, it's overwhelming and depressing and seems insurmountable. I've been fighting this fight for years, she's already at an advantage because you're supportive of her weight loss, but it's so bad I'm considering drastic measures in my marriage. This is NOT a small thing.
> 
> She has to want it, and I'm willing to bet that she actually does. No woman really thinks she is beautiful when she's fat. (I know, Lizzo and body positivity, blah blah blah, those women are lying. Lizzo cries herself to sleep after eating a bag of Oreos, I promise she does.) Sometimes it takes a jolt to make someone take action. She's an adult. Her weight is a health hazard, plain and simple. She's destroying her heart, her liver, her kidneys and her joints. If she isn't listening to the doctor, it may be past time for niceness. There is no kind and gentle way to say, "You're fat." No one likes to hear that. It's really unfair for you to have to say that to her, but at this point, it may be the only real option. Saying nothing may feel kind, but it's really not. And it's shouldn't fall to you to say it, she should take the initiative on her own. But she's not, and it's messing up your life too, and that isn't fair.
> 
> ...


I agree with most of what you have said tmom but I think brutal honesty from your sexual partner will have a detrimental effect of your sex life. Family members can do it, doctors can do it, strangers on the beach can do it but not the person wanting you to have sex with them. 

I gained weight after my pregnancies and was made to feel shame for my changed body by my husband. Even after I lost 25kg it was difficult to feel sexy with him again. When we were intimate all I could think of was how disappointed he had been. It changed our dynamic. 

Also if she is an emotional eater you have to replace the happy feelings she gets from eating and zoning out in front of the TV with something healthy that she can enjoy. Lifestyle changes have to be sustainable long term and those happen slowly for most. 

When I lost 25kg I started with a fitbit and started walking, preferably with a dog, but sometimes alone. Eventually I came to love those walks and even completed the couch to 5k running program. Which I'm planning to do again just because I enjoy it. 

But, I've never found a way to overcome the shame my husband made me feel about my body.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DaringGreatly said:


> I agree with most of what you have said tmom but I think brutal honesty from your sexual partner will have a detrimental effect of your sex life. Family members can do it, doctors can do it, strangers on the beach can do it but not the person wanting you to have sex with them.


I don't disagree with you at all, what you say is completely true. The OP asked what he should do. If he really wants her to lose weight and she won't listen to doctors or her family, there's nothing but for him to say it. 

There is no doubt it will change their dynamic. She won't feel safe or attractive any more. It's a bad situation all around. 



DaringGreatly said:


> I've never found a way to overcome the shame my husband made me feel about my body.


Nope. There isn't a way. But congratulations on losing the weight, it's really hard. You're healthier for it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> (I know, Lizzo and body positivity, blah blah blah, those women are lying. Lizzo cries herself to sleep after eating a bag of Oreos, I promise she does.)


Hahahahaha  



MJJEAN said:


> "Wife, I am worried about our health and the state of our marriage. I love you. I desire you. I need you to love yourself and me enough to make some changes. We need to count our calories, make better decisions, and be more active so we can fully enjoy the years we have remaining."


Nice, he could just get away with that!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DaringGreatly said:


> I agree with most of what you have said tmom but I think brutal honesty from your sexual partner will have a detrimental effect of your sex life. Family members can do it, doctors can do it, strangers on the beach can do it but not the person wanting you to have sex with them.
> 
> I gained weight after my pregnancies and was made to feel shame for my changed body by my husband. Even after I lost 25kg it was difficult to feel sexy with him again. When we were intimate all I could think of was how disappointed he had been. It changed our dynamic.
> 
> ...


For those having huge pride, the weight loss, roughly equals the shame gained from those well-meaning, throwaway words.....you are way, too fat.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I have rheumatoid arthritis and exercising actually makes it a lot better. If she’s gained weight from the steroids, she needs to talk to her doctor and switch to a different medicine. Enbrel has worked wonders for me, but of course it depends on her type of RA. Don’t just accept the weight gain as a side effect.

Have you encouraged your wife to go for walks with you after dinner? If not, I would try that.

To be honest, it sounds like she may be using her RA as an excuse. Just a hunch. But that’s a lot of TV she’s watching.

You’re doing awesome working on yourself. Keep it up man!


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

I may not be real smart, but I not stupid enough to be brutal with her....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I may not be real smart, but I not stupid enough to be brutal with her....


Bless your heart. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Does she have friends or family you talk to and ask them to talk to her? Or could you tell her you're joining WW and ask if she'll join too? It is a LOT easier to diet when you're both dieting, ask me how I know... 😬


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

I was given some ideas by a member privately. We have talked this evening and will try them.


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## OdliDPrincess (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Look, weight loss for women, specifically weight loss for women over 50, and specifically a large amount of weight loss for a woman over 50 (I do consider 60 lbs. a lot of weight to lose) is not as simple as eating an occasional salad and taking the stairs. She is looking at a year, possibly longer (if she loses it in a healthy way, no surgery). It will be hard, she will be tired, sore, unable to sleep, and constantly hungry, and it will be around 6 months before there is a visible difference. It is very intimidating when you think about a journey this long, it's overwhelming and depressing and seems insurmountable. I've been fighting this fight for years, she's already at an advantage because you're supportive of her weight loss, but it's so bad I'm considering drastic measures in my marriage. This is NOT a small thing.
> 
> She has to want it, and I'm willing to bet that she actually does. No woman really thinks she is beautiful when she's fat. (I know, Lizzo and body positivity, blah blah blah, those women are lying. Lizzo cries herself to sleep after eating a bag of Oreos, I promise she does.) Sometimes it takes a jolt to make someone take action. She's an adult. Her weight is a health hazard, plain and simple. She's destroying her heart, her liver, her kidneys and her joints. If she isn't listening to the doctor, it may be past time for niceness. There is no kind and gentle way to say, "You're fat." No one likes to hear that. It's really unfair for you to have to say that to her, but at this point, it may be the only real option. Saying nothing may feel kind, but it's really not. And it's shouldn't fall to you to say it, she should take the initiative on her own. But she's not, and it's messing up your life too, and that isn't fair.
> 
> ...


I agree with the most of what you've written, tmom, but I believe that harsh honesty from your sexual partner will be destructive to your sex life. Family members, physicians, even strangers on the beach can all do it, but not the person who wants you to have sex with them.

My spouse made me feel ashamed of my changing figure after each of my pregnancies. It was impossible to feel sexy with him again without toys, even after I shed 25kg. All I could think of while we were intimate was how disappointed he had been. It altered our dynamic.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I am posting this to get some insight and possibly some advice. Primarily, I am interested in the input from women, but from men will also be accepted. Please do not thread jack this post, keep it on topic.
> 
> Background: Been with each other for 40 years, married 38+. I am 57 and she is 56. We were in a dead bedroom for 6.5 years, due to my cancer, which is now taken care of. I have also been diagnosed with low T, 175, where is should be 900 - 1100 and am getting injections. My wife has rhuematod arthritis and is on meds for that. For my history, due to my undiagnosed cancer, my libido dropped, I had body inflamation, my energy dropped and I had constant fatigue. I also gained quite a bit of weight during this period. For my wife, her RA meds (steroids) contribute to weight gain too. Since recovering from cancer and surgery (radical left nephrectomy), my energy has returned, I am working out and have lost 30 lbs. already. My wife tries to walk some with me, but not as much. She has been able to lose around 10 lbs.
> 
> ...


I live in Thailand.
I have an English friend here who is 64 years old.
His Thai wife is the same age and both of them have health problems.
My friend is diabetic, has prostate cancer that is under control for the present and a few other health problems. He is a short guy who has also put on a lot of weight due to the medications he is taking.
His wife too has put on a lot of weight, has a heart problem and looks much older than her age. Sex for her has become a no, no and I doubt in the condition my friend is in, he`d be physically up to doing the deed even if his wife was still sexually active.
My friend loves his wife, relatively happy together only celibate.
So his wife suggested to him that he try a body to body (B2B) massage parlour.
They are staffed by young attractive girls. The guy chooses a girl. She takes him upstairs to a private room. In there they both get naked, she showers with the guy then on a bed she gives a massage followed by what is called a happy ending for the guy. I`m sure most of you will know what that means.
They also do a couples massages but my friend`s wife wasn`t interested and now he goes on his own once a month. Lasts an hour not expensive.
As I said, this was with the blessing of his wife on her suggestion. No strings attached.
My wife has also told me, if ever she can`t perform any more in the bedroom she`d have no problem with me using a B2B.
So in the case of the OP if his wife is a good sport, than this could be an option for him, meaning can have your cake and eat it.
Just a thought.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> So in the case of the OP if his wife is a good sport, than this could be an option for him, meaning can have your cake and eat it.
> Just a thought.


For me, that suggestion is not only not what I asked about....it is immoral and where I live, illegal. Please do not thread jack.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Mods, please lock thread. I got answers from some nice female members.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DaringGreatly said:


> I gained weight after my pregnancies and was made to feel shame for my changed body by my husband.


There is a difference between shaming your partner and discussing a very valid medical and lifestyle concern.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> There is a difference between shaming your partner and discussing a very valid medical and lifestyle concern.


The problem is it never is seen as that...even if the persons intent was as you are saying..

No one needs to be told they are overweight and its unhealthy...Its as obvious as the sun rising...Most women(maybe men too) interpret these "discussions' as "you are too fat and gross to give me a boner, so you better get off your ass or ill find someone else who isn't"...


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