# 32 years of trust broken



## lost36 (Jan 22, 2015)

I have been married 32 years. My husband for the last 12 years or so has been travelling to Bangkok twice a year for business. Although I admit that some doubts did arise I felt that my trust of 32 years was valid. Last November we were working on his computer and some explicit photos appeared - I raised my eye and he said someone had sent them to him. I'm not proud of myself but when the opportunity arose I searched his computer and I discovered photos of him with a girl in her mid 30s which looked like they were sightseeing and the more explicit photos of the same girl. I confronted him a few days later as to why the photos were sent to him and he told me a guy in a bar sent them to him. I then asked why he was in some of the photos with the same girl. He immediately broke down and said that it was just a few days back on his March visit with this girl where he'd spent days out with her and had sex. I was devastated. He begged me that on his next visit in October that he told her he was married and could not continue and could we start again and he also begged me not to tell our 2 adult sons.

We went to counselling , which he willingly attended, and he vas very upset to witness my distress and at each session admitted it was all his fault and he would do whatever it took to make it right. I struggled through Christmas and new year and was in a real dilemma whether to make another go of it though was erring on the side of trying again. During this period we were sleeping apart. Ten days later, and again not very proud of myself, I checked his computer and found another photo - I worked out he had another email account and managed to acquire the password. There I found a string of emails and more photos of this girl and how he was missing her and would soon be booking his next trip over there. I flipped out and threw him out and now our two sons know and were devastated also.

Forward on 2 weeks and we have yet to talk - my eldest son went to see him last night and was shocked at how ill he looked and he was concerned for his welfare. We are meeting early next week for our first discussion and I am so confused. I have always been the person who agrees to keep the peace and not hurt anyone so how am I going to face the man I have loved for 32 years. I'm very worried he won't cope. I am so confused about ending 32 years and even more so about being on my own. I really don't know what to do.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lost36 said:


> I have been married 32 years. My husband for the last 12 years or so has been travelling to Bangkok twice a year for business. Although I admit that some doubts did arise I felt that my trust of 32 years was valid. Last November we were working on his computer and some explicit photos appeared - I raised my eye and he said someone had sent them to him. I'm not proud of myself but when the opportunity arose I searched his computer and I discovered photos of him with a girl in her mid 30s which looked like they were sightseeing and the more explicit photos of the same girl. I confronted him a few days later as to why the photos were sent to him and he told me a guy in a bar sent them to him. I then asked why he was in some of the photos with the same girl. He immediately broke down and said that it was just a few days back on his March visit with this girl where he'd spent days out with her and had sex. I was devastated. He begged me that on his next visit in October that he told her he was married and could not continue and could we start again and he also begged me not to tell our 2 adult sons.
> 
> We went to counselling , which he willingly attended, and he vas very upset to witness my distress and at each session admitted it was all his fault and he would do whatever it took to make it right. I struggled through Christmas and new year and was in a real dilemma whether to make another go of it though was erring on the side of trying again. During this period we were sleeping apart. Ten days later, and again not very proud of myself, I checked his computer and found another photo - I worked out he had another email account and managed to acquire the password. There I found a string of emails and more photos of this girl and how he was missing her and would soon be booking his next trip over there. I flipped out and threw him out and now our two sons know and were devastated also.
> 
> Forward on 2 weeks and we have yet to talk - my eldest son went to see him last night and was shocked at how ill he looked and he was concerned for his welfare. We are meeting early next week for our first discussion and I am so confused. I have always been the person who agrees to keep the peace and not hurt anyone so how am I going to face the man I have loved for 32 years. I'm very worried he won't cope. I am so confused about ending 32 years and even more so about being on my own. I really don't know what to do.


You are concerned for his welfare?

Sad he wasn't so concerned about your welfare.

No matter what happens you MUST get tested for STDS and HIV now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Divorce him if its a deal breaker for you.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He apparently didn't value those 32 years like you did, look what he threw them away for. A cheap slvt.

Or he didn't really think he'd lose his marriage and life, he figured he'd cry, beg, and go to counseling and get away with it.

And why would you feel bad about looking at his emails? The first time you knew something was up and the second time he'd lost all privacy privileges.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you want to do?


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Detach and leave him alone to stew in the consequences of his choices.

180 for you and IC to heal, recover, and explore your codependency which would have you "rescue" him


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please do not be shocked should you find he wasn't as faithful during your 32 years as you were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Someone should be looking out for your pain.

Are your sons close by to help you? or other family members like a sister or a brother?

You have been rocked by his actions. 

I do hope you get some IC. When this happens you are not in a good place to make decisions quickly. 

You do need some things to happen if you decide to R. If he is really remorseful, he will not return to that land and stop all contact with the OW. He would be honest with you and tell you whatever you want to know. He will be transparent on his phone, computer, etc. 

When you do meet can you have one of your sons there in case things get out of hand? I am not saying that he would hurt you physically, but these are not ordinary situations.

Be good to yourself. Do something nice for yourself.

Hope someday things get better. This kind of pain has hurt for years.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I am sorry to find you here.

I can't figure people like him out. 32 years, both of you have to be middle age or higher and to have your world torn apart at what should be your golden years together in retirement.

IMO, I feel you have to be thinking with your mind now moreso than your heart. 

1) Are there any signs that there were prior infidelities from the past ?
2) As Matt said above, get tested. Bangkok is a dirty place. 
3) When you meet next week, what are you looking to achieve with that meeting ?
4) I applaud you in throwing him out. You need the time and space to heal. After being loyal to him for 32 years, to find this out, is crushing and you need to figure out some things
5) His affair is all on him. No excuse for it and don't let him gaslight you any other way ?
6) While I certainly understand your sons visiting him, as he is their Dad, your sons should also support you, even moreso because of the betrayal. 
7) I don't blame you for still caring about him and his welfare. The shock of what happened won't erase that after 32 years but you have to be concerned for your own welfare first and while most of the people I see who come on to these boards don't want to lose their relationships later in life, or in their middle years, you have a few days here to figure out what you want to do and how to proceed. Talk to your most trusted friends/relatives and have an agenda aimed at where you want to go from here.

It seems like he's lucky to have you and he ate cake. Regardless of your decisions from here on out, whether divorce or reconciliation, it is he who is to blame for forcing your hand on this.

Do what's best for you


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Why wouldn't he take you to Bangkok. One of my favorite cities. Tons to do and see.

Seems he's recently started to live two lives. He needs help. IC. Cheaters are liars. His words say one thing. His actions say truth. Watch his actions. A secret email account... Silence and omission is deceit too.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

and collect evidence


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Q tip said:


> *Why wouldn't he take you to Bangkok. * One of my favorite cities. Tons to do and see.
> 
> Seems he's recently started to live two lives. He needs help. IC. Cheaters are liars. His words say one thing. His actions say truth. Watch his actions. A secret email account... Silence and omission is deceit too.


Yep. If by some miracle you decide to reconcile with him, he needs to know that if he takes any more trips to Bangkok, you'll be going along for the ride. That oughta calm his ardor.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Detach from him.

He was spending money on that woman. 

If he wants to talk ask for a timeline of all his infidelity.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

First of all, he's been going there for 12 years, so he has probably been doing this for a long time. This OW may be a long-term gf or just the latest in a string. 

I, too, have been married for 32 years & my H travels as well, also sometimes to the same city year after year. I don't trust it for a NY minute quite honestly (a major reason I am on this site).

If I were you, I would:

- Get checked for STDs.

- Make him do a polygraph & find out how long he has been cheating.

- Keep his a*s out of the house until you have the polygraph results.

- If he is so ravaged by his guilt and needs to 'come home,' let him beg a bed with one of your children.

- In the meantime, consult a lawyer about finances and divorce. At 32 years, you shouldn't have to worry about being left without support.

- Realize that when he has been home, he has been thinking about her all the time. You have been background noise for him for as long as this has been his reality.

- Realize that he may well be making these trips on his own dime, that they may not be business trips at all.

Look up a poster here called Openminded. She ended a 45-year marriage after discovering her H's cheating. She says she is happy now and glad she did it. I would do what she did. I wouldn't live as the background noise to the man I gave so many years to.


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

You came to the right place. These people are very helpful. All I can offer you is complete understanding of what you're going through. I just came here recently myself. My story is below. 28 years of "perfection" came crumbling down before my eyes. It's best to talk to people like us who are where you are. I don't want to tell you what to do because I'm not healthy enough (emotionally) right now to do that. What I can offer you is complete empathy. I'm so sad for you. Take each day one at a time and just breathe.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/244162-ok-my-story-i-need-help.html


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm just going to give you my personal honest opinion... I don't think I could get over that. That said... I can tell you from experience that the pain of being alone while recovering from such a deep emotional trauma is HARD. If you decide to jump ship it will suck so bad that you will probably second guess yourself. But you go through that for a chance to get to the other side. 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing to know - in Bangkok, women literally throw their young daughters at men to try to get them to have sex; it's how many of them survive. When my H would go, he'd get propositioned multiple times every single day. His best friend lives there, and it's pretty much just expected for long-term Westerners to pick a girl to live with them, and then get rid of them when they hit 18 or 20 and get another one. Disgusting, but it is what it is. 

I'm not excusing him in any way, just trying to point out that it's probably not like he went hunting someone to be with.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

What you discovered has been going on for a long time, perhaps the 12 year span that your husband travelled. My speculation is that he met this woman as a business acquaintance as she is around 30 years of age. Asian women look younger than they appear. (My mother was Asian.) I would guess that the Other Woman is in her 40s but appears to be in her thirties. You are very disturbed of what you discovered on his other email. This is a long-time affair and he lived two lives.

Your sons want you back with him as what children normally want. They are feeling sorry for him. Don't fall for this trap. Your husband loves another woman. You know the cliché: "he loves you, but not in love with you". You know the truth and that is the reason that you throw him out.

I am 57 years of age and a career woman. I'm ongoing 35 years married. You have had a very long marriage and I can see why you are conflicted and very disappointed.

See a psychologist to help out with your framework of mind. Do not let him back in your home. Work on yourself. Give yourself time to get over your shock and analyze your situation. You have the answer as to what you need to do.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey lost36----STOP, JUST STOP--------this is all on your H---he was the one who cheated, and CONTINUED to cheat when you made it clear where you stood, after his being caught

He LIED/MANIPULATED/DECEIVED you----so if he is now all screwed up----HE BROT THAT DOWN ON HIS OWN HEAD---do not worry about your H---he is a big boy, and he knows/knew what he was doing----when he CHEATED, AND CONTINUED TO CHEAT, AFTER HAVING BEEN CAUGHT

You must at this point be harsh, and take a hard line---he must take accountability, and show extreme remorse-----IF YOU ARE AT ALL WEAK AT THIS POINT, ABOUT HIS CHEATING, AND CONTINUED CHEATING----HE WILL TAKE THAT AS A SIGN THAT HE CAN CHEAT IN THE FUTURE AND GET AWAY WITH IT

If you wanna R, and that decision needs to be completely yours----HE GETS NO SAY IN THE MATTER----but if you do wish to attempt R---then he has to know, that at this point in time, you are completely pis*ed off at him, and really do not want anything to do with him----this has to be done, so that once again---he needs to know, that he screwed up, and he must pay for what he did------also make him sign a POST--NUP, as a condition to allowing to stay in this mge with you

Remember at this point, this is your ball game, to be played by your rules----if he looks bad, and is all messed up----"BUT FOR" what he did, none of this would have occurred, so bottom line---he has caused all his own problems, and he now has to live with what he has done---------you need to take a strong stand and stick to it----YOU ARE THE BOSS, and make sure he understands that!!!!!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Another businessman in the Far East wrecking his marriage. This reminds me of Poppy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Honestly it's weird to me people that are married with family that take jobs that keep them on the road. Why would they do that? I'm a software engineer. If I went the route of consulting I'd make 3 times as much money per year as I do now. I've never even considered it because that would take me away from the family too much and I'd be miserable. I love my family. True enough I've heard some people say they don't let their family stand in the way of their own ambition but those people, in my experience, are usually douche bags anyway.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> Honestly it's weird to me people that are married with family that take jobs that keep them on the road. Why would they do that? I'm a software engineer. If I went the route of consulting I'd make 3 times as much money per year as I do now. I've never even considered it because that would take me away from the family too much and I'd be miserable. I love my family. True enough I've heard some people say they don't let their family stand in the way of their own ambition but those people, in my experience, are usually douche bags anyway.


Kev, you went one way and I went the other (consulting), and we both have WWs.

“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” 
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

Hang in there Brother ... JA


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Jung_admirer said:


> Kev, you went one way and I went the other (consulting), and we both have WWs.
> 
> “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
> ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
> ...


Yep. I guess that means there's no right answer. I trusted my wife with my life and she used that trust to easily get away with cheating. I knew she was having a midlife crisis but I did nothing but support her through it. Not happy with your chosen profession? Go back to school, or start your own business. I'll do anything you need to help. Not happy with something about you personally? Change it. Cut your hair, change your wardrobe, I'm here to help. Not happy with your free-time hobbies? Take up skydiving, rock climbing, crossfit, whatever, I'm here to support you. I even offered not happy with me and the kids, your life? If that's it then you can leave, I won't hold it against you. We can be friends. She told me don't be silly, you guys are the one thing in my life I'm sure about. Wasn't that a hoot.

Oh well, it doesn't enrage me anymore. I'm past that point and so is she.


----------

