# Fellow People with personality disorders



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Please comment only if you have a mood/personality disorder. No judgement please, I’m trying to work through some things so this post may not make a lot of sense. 

My whole life from as long as I can remember has been yearning to be normal. I want to be A person who has control of their emotions, who is stable, and practical and who makes decisions based on what’s good for me. I have been trying to fix myself for as long as I can remember and because of that I live a life that is constantly on a wave, up and down. 

I function good and normal and people wouldn’t be able to tell I have any issues... then a certain amount of time goes by and it goes down hill again. All I want is stability. I want my moods and behavior to be stable but I know that probably isn’t possible. I’m tired of it. 

On the outside I am such a control freak. I need everything to be a certain way. And I understand that is because I have absolutely no control of my insides... my moods, emotions, obsessions etc. I am very smart and hyper aware of all my issues. I have researched and learned so much about my issues and lifestyle and diet and all these modifications to make to remain on a good track. Ive tried everything (and I’m on medication), and they always work for a little while then they don’t. 

I just always thought that when I grew up I would be a certain type of women, smart, confident, strong, in control. And now that I am here, I am still like my kid self, low self esteem, unable to control my obsessive behavior/moods, always searching for something to make me happy ect. 

I’m pretty sure this is just how it is. We can’t be cured. Anyone have any thoughts of comments? Am I the only one struggling?—-


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Dad and husband (not for long  I hope) of PD's here, and life long ADHD myself (gee thanks)

Myself: spent much of my life wondering if I'm crazy or if everyone else is. I was a lousy student till college. But, ADHD being ADHD, i was diagnosed in grad school and I had to cope by becoming a great planner. That worked. Growing up in a country where mental health isn't an important topic wasn't much help.

S-wife. Diagnosed with (adult onset) BPD, no treatment per her choice. Ended up costing the marriage after 3 plus decades. Control freak. 

DD1: much like you describe yourself. Did therapy thru high school. Also ADHD. She found creative outlets for her emotions in the form of music, art, and design. Luckily for her design is also her career. She works well by being busy and being focused. She has an emotional support animal (Mies van der Rohe the cat) and a rather serious college path (just started her PhD in design). Basically sink or swim. 

She started therapy again on her own accord and she has made great strides. I help her out with planning things, her fiance is golden guy, and I have no doubts she will be great. 

It is possible. To summarize, use planning to make sure things happen for a reason as needed. Be proactive, not reactive. Seek counseling as needed. Find outlets for your emotions. Seek support groups.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I never fit in with others and also used to yearned to be “Normal” . I’m smart, tested IQ of 158, highly introverted and dyslexic and an Injt I can work well with everybody, but I play well with no one. I have few friends. 

Surprise surprise,; I‘m normal for me & I’ve stopped fighting my nature. I’ve accepted who I am and I know my limitations and faults. I’m OK. It’s taken 51 years to get here. 

And as plus I’ve found a gal that is cut from the same cloth, she is my 2nd wife; My first wife died on me in 2002 and once told a friend of mine that she thought there was something wrong with me. She was a high extrovert; while i did love her and still miss/think about her; life was challenging with her.

At work I do not care what others think; the exception is I want their respect. I focus on the work and being friendly. I want them to know that I’m very dependable.
On my last review when asked “What parts of my job are the most difficult?”. I put “Hell is other people”

I feel that we should only fight our nature when it is destructive to ourselves or others.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

john117 said:


> Dad and husband (not for long  I hope) of PD's here, and life long ADHD myself (gee thanks)
> 
> Myself: spent much of my life wondering if I'm crazy or if everyone else is. I was a lousy student till college. But, ADHD being ADHD, i was diagnosed in grad school and I had to cope by becoming a great planner. That worked. Growing up in a country where mental health isn't an important topic wasn't much help.
> 
> ...




So I too have adhd, and I have the obsessive part of it as well. Coupled with that I have low self esteem and I think my adhd really hurts my issues with self love.
I am an obsessive planner. I have to be with my ADHD as you know. My problem is that I do really good for a while... I’m productive, I’m happy and healthy and making good choices but eventually something happens or whatever and it goes down hill. (Below I will give examples of what I mean by good and bad days). But my point is that being on the right track never lasts for me. Do you still go up and down or are you pretty stable?


When I’m doing good... I wake up early, I get dressed and do my hair, makeup and look nice and I’m happy and I look put together and I’m prepared for the work day and I come home and I am productive, doing chores or working out and making dinner going to bed early blah blah. Then when I am bad.... I roll out of bed, I don’t comb my hair, I put on mascara and throw on whatever and walk out the door. I’m unhappy. And I waste my day doing these obsessively bad things that aren’t good for me but for whatever reason I’m In the mood like... sleep all day. Binge really bad food. Masterbate and watch porn all day. Don’t leave my house, don’t clean my house. Obsessively stalk someone on social media, or fantasize/day dream unrealistic thoughts, or obsessively look up and research random topics like shucking oysters(I did that for like 8 hours one day). Then I eventually snap out of the bad days and start back up on this vigorous planning and I’m going to be better and fix myself and blah blah and I make this big plan and I get excited and motivated and it works and I’m good for a while and then something happens and I’m back to acting weird and unhealthy again. 

For me... I am trying to figure out when and why I turn and go bad but I still haven’t been able to correct the problem before I go down hill if that makes sense.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What drives me nuts is that I do things that I know are bad for me, both physically and mentally and emotionally when I am down. And even though my head knows it’s bad for some reason I still obsessively do it. It’s like I’m subconsciously trying to mess up my life.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ever since I was young I would do this thing where I would “like” a guy. And it’s always a guy I never really knew because If I knew him than I wouldn’t like him. Anyway... so I would basically make this guy who I wanted him to be, and I projected a fantasy over him and I obsessed over him (from a distance of course), and it made my day exciting and like naughty because it was like my little secret. And I would obsessively think about him and masterbate over him and blah blah. It’s like super crazy I know but it’s fun and I only did it every once in a while. 
But of course once I got to know them it was ruined because they were nothing like I wanted them to be. It’s just like a weird game that I play in my head and sometimes I am not even aware I’m doing it until I’m full blown obsessed.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

You actually sound very much like me!

Everything you've described, I've done or continue to do. I'm very black and white/all or nothing. Very avoidant. I can see aspects of myself in every disorder I read about.

I find that have much less anxiety now that I'm on my own and no longer married and no longer raising children. 

Like Max, I'm very introverted, and find that people tend to respond to me in a more positive way when I'm silent and distant. 

Most of my behavior (in terms of interacting with others) has been learned from reading massive amounts of articles and books, yet it's almost impossible for me to connect in a significant way with most people. 

And I don't seem to be wired to 'miss' things or others. Like when I think of my children, I'll text them and catch up. And when I'm with them, I enjoy our time together. But the parents who weep when their children go off to college? I've never understood that.

Also, I dissociate very easily, and unfortunately spent most of my marriage and family life on autopilot. Looking back, it just seemed like a coping mechanism to handle feeling constantly overwhelmed, which doesn't take much.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You need to find something to keep you busy. Work, school, activities... If, at the end of the day you haven't passed out from all of that, then worry 

Self esteem is an area where the creative mind does wonders. It doesn't have to be Photoshop or sculptures. My girl learned to cook and I'm not bragging when I say she's exceptional. The tougher the recipe the better. A few years ago she was in Italy studying abroad and the class wanted tacos. You won't find taco shells anywhere there, so she figured out how to make them from scratch. Corn flour, the works. Instant hero.

Even small accomplishments help. So, take it one step at a time, plan your activities, reward yourself, and don't just sit idle. 

Are you in counseling? Do you feel you need it?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

john117 said:


> You need to find something to keep you busy. Work, school, activities... If, at the end of the day you haven't passed out from all of that, then worry
> 
> Self esteem is an area where the creative mind does wonders. It doesn't have to be Photoshop or sculptures. My girl learned to cook and I'm not bragging when I say she's exceptional. The tougher the recipe the better. A few years ago she was in Italy studying abroad and the class wanted tacos. You won't find taco shells anywhere there, so she figured out how to make them from scratch. Corn flour, the works. Instant hero.
> 
> ...




I don’t feel like I need counseling. I’m very introspective and I learn from others and read a great deal about my issues. I think I would make a great therapist myself and I think I know the right answers it’s just not that easy for people with mental illness. I mean don’t we all know what to do but struggle to do it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

minimalME said:


> You actually sound very much like me!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It’s interesting you say that because I’m the same way. I don’t think that I am often present and enjoying the moment. I have time urgency, and I’m constantly planning and scheduling and super future oriented and I am at a constant state of stress. But I kind of like it that way.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> But I kind of like it that way.


I don't. 

I find it all extremely uncomfortable. 

I'm hyperaware of other people - tone of voice, movements, facial expressions. I find it exhausting and spend a lot of time alone to get relief.

Yet on the rare occasion that I'm able to connect with someone - even for a moment or a single conversation - it's like a high that has a very powerful, positive effect throughout my whole body.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t feel like I need counseling. I’m very introspective and I learn from others and read a great deal about my issues. I think I would make a great therapist myself and I think I know the right answers it’s just not that easy for people with mental illness. I mean don’t we all know what to do but struggle to do it.


I could have said that myself. After all, I spent a decade studying psychology . Tried with my s-wife. A few things worked, a lot did not (I'm not clinical or behavioral but I took a fair amount of courses on those early on). 

It didn't work. Introspection will carry you so far. Your mind will not see what it doesn't want to see. 

We had a long six month counseling marathon before agreeing to call it a day. Without counseling we'd still be deliberating...

Introspection is great if paired with objective views of your situation. Individuals can rarely give those to themselves. I'd say give it a try.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

john117 said:


> Introspection is great if paired with objective views of your situation. Individuals can rarely give those to themselves. I'd say give it a try.


This is a great talk about introspection: Getting Out of My Head - the Problem of Introspection, Andrew Fellows


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

First off how you described your thoughts about yourself are very much in line as I would describe myself. I have always wanted to fit in, be normal, be stable, etc etc. I too tried medicine, all it made it did was make me feel nothing. At least off medicine I could feel something, even if I didn't always enjoy it.
Secondly, one of the things I have come to understand, is that I am actually very normal, as are you. Almost every one feels these things, it is just that many people ignore them. So I guess I would say that any "abnormality" you or I may have is not that we feel this way, but that we recognize that we do and seek to fix them.
Thirdly, I think many of these feelings come from comparing ourselves to some ideal we have been lead to believe is normal. But just as you fantasize about some guy only to find out later he is not quite what you thought he was, the same thing goes for these ideals. In the end they are not what you think they are. In fact they are really just fantasies.
Finally I think the best that we can do is to except ourselves for who we are and to stop comparing ourselves to an ideal that really doesn't exist. Be happy that you have the insight and intelligence to actually know yourself. Because that is something many people truly lack. They stumble thru life, doing what they are told, while trying (and often times failing to) convincing themselves that what they are feeling can't be so because they are doing the "right thing". The problem is that "right thing" is something that someone else decided was the "right thing" and never something they determined was right for them. So they end up in unhappy relationships and unsatisfying jobs. 
So I guess my answer has been to embrace my true nature and stop thinking about what others think. If someone wants to judge me, that is their problem, not mine.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My oldest has a disorder, and both my kids are on the soectrum.

She thought she was introspective enough as well. Introspection isnt her problem.

She does Cognitive Behavior Tgerapy, and her life has changed dramatically. I am so proud of the way she has chosen to take responsibility for her life. Her disorder is something she will always have, but she is treating her disease. 

I consider a person who would not treat their mental illness/disorder to be the same as a type 1 diabetic not taking their insulin.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> But I kind of like it that way.


You do until you don't; I used to joke that the stress kept me sharp. But in reality, the anxiety is now robbing me of being in the moment. I see everything that crosses my desk as a crisis. I’m working now to try to change that. What I trying to do is to get up earlier and ride my bike, it does not stop me from over thinking but I seem to care less about it.

I also saw a counselor last year too over this. And what he recommended did/is helping the overthinking. 

https://medicine.umich.edu/sites/default/files/content/downloads/Cognitive-Skills-for-Anxiety.pdf

Cognitive retraining; see above; i take an anxious thought that I'm spinning on and reclassifies it rationality

Thought: DAME; after manually migration 3734 records to the new database format I screwed up on 16 of them;. I’m going to called on this; I need to be perfect!

Distortion in though is: predicting the future or negative thinking

Reclassification of the thought; wow, 16 bad records out of 3724 that a score of 99.057% pretty good Mr. HeadRoom

The key to this reprogramming it to writing it down like I did; your brain see the thought & go through the process; writing it down forces this knowledge through many parts of the brain.

i carry a notebook with me to write it down when it happens; even at 2am when it's keeping me up.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with Max. Most of the time (not all of the time) many of our issues are in our head and how we process the information. Every report I write gets picked apart, oftentimes for meaningless stuff that has no bearing on the conclusions. I used (still do) get very upset that after all my due diligence and thorough research, that some nimrod will ALWAYS find something wrong with it. I would complain to my buddy, who would often ask me "do they keep coming back for more reports?" 
In the larger scheme of things, the little things (which we feel we must get absolutely correct) do not really matter. So in many ways it is a matter of reframing an issue in a more positive light. 
That is one of the things that many get wrong. When we live in our heads, we can convince ourselves of anything. That anything is typically a negative or limiting thought which we arrive at thru the process of circular reasoning. Speaking to someone else can short circuit the circular reasoning by forcing us to look at things from another POV.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I agree with Max. Most of the time (not all of the time) many of our issues are in our head and how we process the information. Every report I write gets picked apart, oftentimes for meaningless stuff that has no bearing on the conclusions. I used (still do) get very upset that after all my due diligence and thorough research, that some nimrod will ALWAYS find something wrong with it. I would complain to my buddy, who would often ask me "do they keep coming back for more reports?"
> In the larger scheme of things, the little things (which we feel we must get absolutely correct) do not really matter. So in many ways it is a matter of reframing an issue in a more positive light.
> That is one of the things that many get wrong. When we live in our heads, we can convince ourselves of anything. That anything is typically a negative or limiting thought which we arrive at thru the process of circular reasoning. Speaking to someone else can short circuit the circular reasoning by forcing us to look at things from another POV.


I had a boss tell me once that she was not doing her job unless she found something wrong with everyone every day;


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I had a boss tell me once that she was not doing her job unless she found something wrong with everyone every day;


I had no idea you worked for my ex wife :grin2:

Seriously though that is what she did. Not only to me, but later I found out to my daughter as well. My ex insists she lacks social skills and she is autistic and tries to tell her what to do and how to do. She does this because my ex "is the parent and you (my daughter) is the child. My daughter is 26 years old. She has been married for 4 years. She left for college 8 years ago. She has been to Europe twice. She is an oncology nurse with a BSN and just got accepted to NP school. She also suffers from low self esteem from being told over and over that her opinion didn't matter. I know exactly how she feels.


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