# Wondering if I should be worried



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Been a while since ive been on here. Long back story you can look up if you wish, but I will just speak about the current issues.

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 18 months and we just bought a house and moved in together. Im 35not and he is 41 and weve both been married and divorced. We are still going through adjustment issues, and on the whole, I like to think our relationship is pretty stable/healthy.

Yes, I have gained about 15 pounds since we met. I have no excuse for that other than my "exercise time" was cut because i wanted to spend time with him! Lol! Also, he is an amazing cook and gets his feelings hurt if I dont eat what he prepares. (Which he prepares a lot, usually, and its delish!)

The other night I asked him why our sex life was dwindling, and he admitted that hestoo "very visual" and that he's not as attracted to me any more. Ok, fair. Yes, it hurt (especially considering hes gained 30 pounds since we met, but i still think hes sexy.)

My best friend is livid. Says he doesnt love me for me if 15 pounds is causing him to not want to have sex with me. I give him plenty of BJs, lots of attention. More than he gives me, and it does get a little annoying. 

I wasnt a skinny girl when we met, but i was smaller. I was in a solid 8, could fit some 6's. Now im in a solid 10, can squeeze into some 8s. (And im only 5 feet tall.) I remember him having some "issues" with his staminaeven back then. Weve been talking about him going to the doctor for a while now.

There are other issues i wont get into here, but they have to do with his past and some lingering legal bullcrap that i have to deal with. I make more money than he does too, even though he has a good job and works full time (LOTS of past bills and such.) So i support most of the household. He mainly cooks, but i clean, take care of the animals, and my two kiddos who live with us. 

We usually have a pretty good line of communication, although he can be immature and dramatic at times. But i guess im just wondering if maybe i should ask him to talk about some of these things. He kinda gets a little "bored" for lack of a better word when we talk too much about us. He just wants us to be. And i agree to a point. I dont want to talk up a probalem that doesnt exist. 
But i also dont want to make the same mistake i did for the last 12 years of marriage hell i lived in. This guy and I get along great for the most part, but he does have a selfish, manipulative side. It gets tiring trying to combat it all the time.

Advice?
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Yes, he's an ass. 15 pounds isn't much at all. And what's he going to do in 5 or 10 years? Stuff happens over time... We age, and for most of us, we don't get better looking as we do. 

But now that it's out there, perhaps both of you could start working on being healthier? Use it as a positive. 

FWIW, both my SO and i have put on "happy" pounds in our three years together. Same sort of thing, rather spend time together instead of working out. Now we've started working out together. Hopefully that will turn things around. 

C
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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> The other night I asked him why our sex life was dwindling, and he admitted that hestoo "very visual" and that *he's not as attracted to me any more*. Ok, fair. Yes, it hurt (especially considering hes gained 30 pounds since we met, but i still think hes sexy.)


That's a pretty strong statement, don't you think? I gotta believe there is something more behind this than 15lbs. Find out what it is. Or if talking about it is too difficult/tedious for him (red flag?) then you'll just have to eat less of his food, take back some exercise time, lose 15+ lbs and see if anything changes.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Yes, they are happy pounds. I tried to get him excited about working out with me when we met, but he didnt like it. I loved it and do miss it. But its very hard to find the time now. I loved going yo the gym and since ive moved have found a great one, but with it being summer and the kids out of school, it would be a waste of money to go at this point. Part of me wishes he just hadnt said anthing about my weight, but then again, i have always asked for open communication. And could tell he just wasnt as interested lately anyway.
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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Why would it be a waste of money?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Maybe there is more to it. He doesnt approve of my cleaning abilities, even though the house looks great to me. O have cleaned more since i moved in than i have in the last 5 years combined. But he sees things that I dont. Honestly. And then he gets upset that i dont see them. Ove told him time and time again that i cant read minds and that he needs to jjust tell me to do something, but he wants me to automatically do it. (And im talking about nit picky stuff like throw a stack of mail away that im oblivious to.) Ive already trained myself to go throw a load of clothes in when i see them in the bsket, or was the cup or two in the sink. Im TRYING. Very hard to make him happy, but im worried its not going to be good enough.
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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Waste of money right now because i dont have the time to go. Once the kids get back in school it will be easier.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good lord, he sounds like an ass. Why are you WITH him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GA HEART said:


> Waste of money right now because i dont have the time to go. Once the kids get back in school it will be easier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How old are your kids? And if you slimming down was so important to him, why wouldn't he make sure you had some time for working out? Although for me, when I was serious about working out, I was up at 5:00 in the morning to get my run in before anyone else was up, or I'd go out after everyone was in bed...

But really, your guy sounds more and more like an ass. If things being cleaned up exactly right is so important to him, why isn't he cleaning up? 

How long did you two date before moving in together? How old are you two?

C
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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Lol, he definitely can be a d*ck, but perhaps im being slightly unfair. He doea have unbeleiveably sweet moments. Although they do seem to be coming less and less. I took a loooong time to even get into a real relationship after my marriage ended. He just wouldnt take no for an answer. Lol! He does love me, and has proven time and time again that he will admit his faults and i see genuine effort to work on himself. But i mentioned the other day it seemed like he was slipping a bit. I am not faultless, and i know old habits die hard. Im trying to take responsibility for myself, and less responsibility for my significant other (i had it backwards in my marriage.) 

So it's kinda a fine line to find, honestly. Ive never felt more emotionally healthy in my life. But i want to keep that emotional health. The lines get a little blurry when it comes to him. Sigh....
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Simple, "honey when you lose the 30 lbs you have gained, you can help me lose my 15. Also, feel free to take over the cleaning so that the house meets your standards."
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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Fifteen pounds is a lot on a 5' frame. 
Just from a health perspective, you should take care of yourself.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

You want him to be ok with your weight because you're ok with his? I personally wouldn't be attracted to a man who put on 30 pound. I'm a full time student, work part time, volunteer at numerous location. However, I still find the time to work out. I hate to say it but I understand his side (not being visually attracted to you because of your weigh). But I think that you have other issues such as him not being satisfied?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You've both gained weight, but it's more of an issue for him than you, and that's often the case between genders. However, if this relationship is going to succeed, you need to be able to talk about things, including weight, his worsening stamina problem (probably weight related!), and communication in general. Obviously, just going with the flow has resulted in a sex problem, and that's not acceptable going forward.

It sounds like you need to discuss diet, healthy eating, and exercising, as well as general communication issues.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

GA HEART, you ask for advice. Here's what I see.

You go into some amount of detail about problems you are having with your boyfriend. You paint him as being a hypocrite (overweight for thee but not for me), selfish (will take a BJ but won't take care of your needs), financially inadequate (makes less money than you), and as having lots of baggage (LOTS of past bills and such).

You toss in that your best friend thinks he's a shmuck, presumably to add some outside validation to your opinions and feelings.

All good so far, and asking for advice seems to flow naturally in your decision-making process.

And the advice you get back is....

Yep, he's an ass.

And here's where it gets weird.

You got the validation you were looking for and <cue sound of needle scratching across record>

"Wait! Perhaps I'm being unfair! He does have unbelievably sweet moments. Lol! He does love me, and has proven time and time again that he will admit his faults and i see genuine effort to work on himself."

My advice to you is to pick a side and stick with it. Either decide it's your problem, his problem, or both of your problems and run things down that way.

"He's such an ass until someone agrees with me" is about as complete a waste of time as I have encountered lately.

Do better.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Fifteen pounds is a lot on a 5' frame.
> Just from a health perspective, you should take care of yourself.


Good lord. Fifteen lbs isn't a lot unless you're a mouse for gods sake. And gaining 15 lbs isn't going to have much of a health effect either. 50, yes, but not 15.

If he's one of 'those' guys who can only be turned on by skinny women, then, OP, you're going to have to decide if he's worth you killing yourself to live up to his expectations, or if you want to find someone who loves you for YOU and not simply the visual image you provide. Besides, like someone else pointed out, if you lose the weight, then what's he going to find fault with about you?


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I agree 15 lbs is a lot on a 5' frame.  And its only an 18 month period. But certainly if both of you are gaining weight it would be a good thing to figure out together how to lose it & then maintain your original weights.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Good lord. Fifteen lbs isn't a lot unless you're a mouse for gods sake. And gaining 15 lbs isn't going to have much of a health effect either. 50, yes, but not 15.
> 
> If he's one of 'those' guys who can only be turned on by skinny women, then, OP, you're going to have to decide if he's worth you killing yourself to live up to his expectations, or if you want to find someone who loves you for YOU and not simply the visual image you provide. Besides, like someone else pointed out, if you lose the weight, then what's he going to find fault with about you?


I posted a totally conflicting post right as you were posting! 

Honestly I'm just slightly taller than the poster and on me 15lbs is a LOT.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I read the rest of the thread. Does your SO have kids? Its quite an adjustment to move from your own place at 41 to a family home with smaller kids. The mess makes my SO crazy. Is there a possibility of getting a housecleaner so you can just kind of both focus on tidying?

I have been living with my SO for a year and a half now and we have had a lot of adjustments regarding the house. We try to now understand what is important to each other (for me - tidy counters in the kitchen, for him - no kid clutter on the floor, especially lego!). Its a touch adjustment at an older age so you both have to have some give and take.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I appreciate ALL advice given. Truly. 

I agree that im a chunk, and i do want to lose the extra.....and will because i know i can. 

Interesting point about me being wishy washy. I have been accused of that before. I dont want to be that way, however. A little bit of back story is that i used to be an extreme codependant in a relationship withis a man who has a moderate case of borderline personality disorder. Ive spent about 3 good years trying to work on JUST me. I feel like ive come a long way with my emotional health, and always want to stay mindful of it. But not being wishy washy is part of emotional maturity that i suppose i do need to work on. 

I dont guess my issue is about the weight comment at all. But a number of things i have let build up. I feel a little taken for granted and disrespected.

I will mention it to him tonight.
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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And my kids are older, 10 and a very respectful 16. Both boys, and yes, he has kids, and they both try to clean up after themselves. The dogs leave more toys out than the boys do. Lol!
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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i spent a few weeks in israel and jordan this summer, and the food they eat there is VERY different. LOTS of vegies, not so much meat, no salad dressing (they use lemon juice), humus, eggplant. 

Also, seafood is VERY low in calories, you can eat clams and shrimp all day long and pack on very few calories.

Its the carbs....pasta, bread, potatos, sugary drinks...just get rid of them! He can gourmet cook without that stuff.

Try a side salad of cut tomatos and cucumber with lemon with every dish....it will fill you up with zero calories. and cut those meat/protein sizes down. Use only olive oil..no butter.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Thanks for the tips, Murphy! I actually used to be a health nut (was when we met.) So i know what works for my body. And it is very similar to what you posted! Along with avoiding all refined sugars. I have NEVER been a skinny girl though, and never will be. I have boobies and butt to spare, even when I was in excellent shape last year.

The BF said i was "happier" back then, and I said of course! Because I let all my other priorities go and concentrated solely on myself! Lol! But I couldnt sustain it because my kids needed more of me. And I also have horses and chickens and want to spend time with them. 

But i have "let myself go." And need to get back on track. 

We talked last night and came to agreements. We are both happy with it.
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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Just wanted to give a quick update on this in case anyone is in a similar situation in the future and needing to know what worked.

We talked. Heart to heart. And things are good. He still hasn't gone to the doctor, and we still don't have as frequent sexual encounters as I would like. But he has chillaxed on me about the nazi style house issues (house is still spotless to me!) We recently took a "staycation" when his son came to visit for a week and we had a GREAT time all hanging out. He has been stressed at work, and I think that might have contributed a bit to his issues with me.

Overall, the integration of households has gone pretty smoothly. We are still chunks, but he hasn't said anything else about it and I'm gearing up to get going again.....a friend invited us to participate in a zombie 5K and I think that would be great fun! I just need to dig out my Brooks and get running again!


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My girlfriend has gained about 15 pounds since I met her. She's a little taller but it is noticeable. She complains about it all the time. It puts me in an uncomfortable position. My ex-wife gained like sixty pounds and I never said anything, even though it definitely lessened the physical attraction. And then in the end one of the reasons we got divorced is she said I didn't support her through her weight loss (which she lost right before the divorce). 

I am still attracted to her (my girlfriend), but I can admit that was better looking before the weight gain. She's a great dresser so she looks just as good to everyone now and before, but obviously I see her when its hard to hide the flaws...

My drive hasn't changed yet but I try to walk the thin line in encouraging her to exercise more and eat less. Of course, its a bit easier for me to say since I have actually lost over ten pounds since we met (she will say I gave it to her). 

I expect in any long term relationship weight will go up and down... I'm ok with where she is now but if she gained another 15, 30, etc it might start affecting me too. I also have an open communication policy but to be honest this is one of those where you have to tread lightly too. 

So I guess my answer is I don't know if you should be worried, but you should continue to communicate and show evidence that both of you are committed to a healthier selves. I tell my girlfriend when I work out and support her in doing the same (actually she tells me to stop working out since now I'm underweight -- which is funny for a guy that was obese a little under two years ago).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

People gain weight as they age. I sure hope that all of you guys who think 15 lbs is a turn off find super skinny women to marry, because once she's 50 or 60 it's pretty much guaranteed that she's gonna weigh that much more, unless she tortures herself to keep it off.

It's no wonder there is such an epidemic of things like anorexia and bulimia these days.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

so lose the damned 15 lbs and see what happens. This is not rocket science. go on a vegan diet or something for a month and it will be gone. stop making excuses.

Now if you lose the weight, and it is not enough for him, THEN I might start thinking its his issue, not yours.


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