# I'm not her brother or father



## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

This one is a long time coming. My wife says she loves me, yet periodically throughout our marriage she tells me that I am not religious enough, that I do not pray enough, that I am nothing, etc. She tells me everything that she believes that I do too much of, and everything I don't do enough of. I have tried every angle: defending myself, explaining that I have not misrepresented myself, that I love her for who she is and that she should reciprocate, argue, fired back with what I believe to be her downfalls, and everything I can think of to try. She will continue to come back with how I need to be more religious, pray more, read religious books with her, etc. I go to church with her every Sunday, and support her affiliation to church, but she cannot come up with the understanding that I am not her, I am not her father and I am not her brother. Although I was raised in a household where we went to church for most of the time, I am not that over outward Christian that she believes I should be. I have explained to her that open prayer is uncomfortable and awkward to me, but she doesn't care. Sometimes she comes back and talks very rudely or mean to me, which I will ask her if that is Christian which makes her mad. I am so desperate to make this marriage last, and we have three kids which further complicates it. I am a good father, and love my wife and kids completely. I just wish she would accept me for me and not who she thinks I should be. Would love any advice!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you feel that you lead a good life, love and respect your wife and kids and respect others then it doesn't matter how many prayers you say.

What bothers me is that if a person is religious then I'm fine with that and I would be the last one to criticize, but when someone tries shoving their religious beliefs down my throat thinking that they have the right to do so makes them no better then a person mocking their beliefs.

Maybe you should tell your wife that this is how you always were and she knew it when she accepted your marriage proposal to her. Let her know that you accept her for who she is and would never condemn her her beliefs and that you expect the same in return and wont accept anything less.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

How Christian of your wife to point out how un Christian you are. I am not quite sure how you take it or even why you do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You need a stronger core, OP. Try not to take this stuff personally. See it as her issue, and let it roll off your back.

Try active listening when she comes at you. Just repeat back to her what she says. "You feel like I should pray more with you," or, "You feel that I am nothing." When she hears what she said repeated back to her, she should feel embarrassed.

Try to strike a commanding tone. You don't have to sound mean or demeaning; just try to sound in charge. It will help if you get stronger within yourself and actually feel like you are in charge when she is being immature.

Just commit to the marriage. Don't worry about it souring.

Keep asking her what Jesus would think if he heard her talking like that. That should make her squirm. Even if she gets defensive, it will bother her conscience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's something to try.

Sit her down and tell her that when she berates you and insults your faith, it's a love buster. It's destroying your love for her over time. You do love her and want this marriage to last a life-time so this has to stop. From now on, when she starts attacking you, you will not listen to it. You are going to tell her "STOP". Then you will go somewhere so that she has time to calm herself down and you do to.

When she can speak to you with respect and love, you will be glad talk to her and hang out with her. 

Then do this every time she attacks you verbally.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read the together in the order I've listed them. Do the work the books say to do.

What your wife is doing is a love buster. You need to tell her very clearly that she is hurting you and the marriage and it has to stop. So you will no longer listen to the garbage that comes out of her mouth when she's on a rant.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

teach9497 said:


> This one is a long time coming. My wife says she loves me, yet periodically throughout our marriage she tells me that I am not religious enough, that I do not pray enough, that I am nothing, etc. She tells me everything that she believes that I do too much of, and everything I don't do enough of. I have tried every angle: defending myself, explaining that I have not misrepresented myself, that I love her for who she is and that she should reciprocate, argue, fired back with what I believe to be her downfalls, and everything I can think of to try. She will continue to come back with how I need to be more religious, pray more, read religious books with her, etc. I go to church with her every Sunday, and support her affiliation to church, but she cannot come up with the understanding that I am not her, I am not her father and I am not her brother. Although I was raised in a household where we went to church for most of the time, I am not that over outward Christian that she believes I should be. I have explained to her that open prayer is uncomfortable and awkward to me, but she doesn't care. Sometimes she comes back and talks very rudely or mean to me, which I will ask her if that is Christian which makes her mad. I am so desperate to make this marriage last, and we have three kids which further complicates it. I am a good father, and love my wife and kids completely. I just wish she would accept me for me and not who she thinks I should be. Would love any advice!


I think she is fixated on perfection, not realizing that we can not be. Never will be. She is battling herself on this one.
If she cannot be accepting of the person you are, then she cant really call herself a Christian.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

So, what do I do when she attacks me? She often asks me why I cant be more like her brother or father or brother in law. She comes at me with, you watch too much TV, drink beer (she drinks wine), are not a good enough father (I coach youth sports, play in the yard constantly with the kids, teach at my kids' school, even volunteer with the youth program at church). She then goes on to say you need to pray at dinner, and pray out loud, be the spiritual leader, etc. It is constant and consistent. I do notice that more often than not this accompanies her period, right before, but not always. I am just so tired of being made out to be a bad father or person when I KNOW that I am not. I am just trying to enjoy being a father and husband. She grew up with a father who is a pastor and brother and sister who are missionaries. Help Please!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Wow. You are on a high pedestal. You can have your beliefs and be spiritual and religious, but she is going the wrong way about you being a man in general. She is very demanding and seems to be controlling over the man that you already are. I don't even know how you have the strength to endure all of that pressure. She does need IMO, a reality check. I think you should just drink another beer. JK! : I really wonder too, if her head is being filled with bs from her family at all?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

First as a man, never DEER. Do not defend, explain excuse or rationalize. 

If your sorry about it, say sorry, otherwise you owe her ZERO explanation. 

My wife used to go on and on about how much I traveled for work, and how no other couple she knows lives like this, etc. the more I tried to DEER the more she was justified she was right. 

Practice the art of STFU. She's playing on your guilt to manipulate you into a behavior she finds better to her needs. Only you have the right to judge your actions. 

How'd i fix it with my wife? I finally said "this is enough! Your being unfair and I'm not going to talk about this!" And I walked out of the room. She only tried a couple more times, each of which I just walked out. 

Don't put up with it. Zero tolerance.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> So, what do I do when she attacks me? She often asks me why I cant be more like her brother or father or brother in law. She comes at me with, you watch too much TV, drink beer (she drinks wine), are not a good enough father (I coach youth sports, play in the yard constantly with the kids, teach at my kids' school, even volunteer with the youth program at church). She then goes on to say you need to pray at dinner, and pray out loud, be the spiritual leader, etc. It is constant and consistent. I do notice that more often than not this accompanies her period, right before, but not always. I am just so tired of being made out to be a bad father or person when I KNOW that I am not. I am just trying to enjoy being a father and husband. She grew up with a father who is a pastor and brother and sister who are missionaries. Help Please!


Did you read my post? Don't take all that stuff personally.

Use active listening. It will validate her feelings without your having to agree with her.

Have an upfront talk with her about how you are not the man she is dreaming of. You are yourself. At some point she may have to take it or leave it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So here is my question. Did she not know all this before you married or did you present that you were more in line with her way of thinking on religion and then after marriage switch it? Cause the fact that this is coming out after marriage is a bit curious


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Women tend to get overwhelmed and burp out all their fears and emotions on their target (husband in the crosshairs).

When she starts complaining about you tell her "I am a good husband and a good father. If your brother is better than me, then you should marry him"


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Personally, I wouldn't get involved/be with someone that's religious. But that's just me. 

Send her this video?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPOfurmrjxo



From my experience (and I come from a country that had more churches per capita than any other country in the world...and religious ran rampant).......religion makes people blind. 

Just me though.

She is taking the whole thing to the extreme, expect it to get worse...


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

jld, I did read your post, and I have tried as many active listening approaches as I possibly can.

Wolf, I have never represented myself being someone else. I would almost say that she flirted with that, however.

She told me that she would get pissed off when her sister would ask her about her spiritual journey, and that her other brother and her would avoid prayer at family functions, etc. 

She has always known who I am and knows my family and history.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> First as a man, never DEER. Do not defend, explain excuse or rationalize.
> 
> If your sorry about it, say sorry, otherwise you owe her ZERO explanation.
> 
> ...




Spot on!!! By STFU, means YOU STFU. Don't defend yourself to her because it won't work. It's your life, no one else can dictate your beliefs. 

Sadly, it's how 95% of women are. It sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Spot on!!! By STFU, means YOU STFU. Don't defend yourself to her because it won't work. It's your life, no one else can dictate your beliefs.
> 
> Sadly, it's how 95% of women are. It sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that's the case than I blame men for even getting into marriage.....it should be "think of the past" by now!!!

:scratchhead:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

teach9497 said:


> This one is a long time coming. My wife says she loves me, yet periodically throughout our marriage she tells me that I am not religious enough, that I do not pray enough, that I am nothing, etc. She tells me everything that she believes that I do too much of, and everything I don't do enough of. I have tried every angle: defending myself, explaining that I have not misrepresented myself, that I love her for who she is and that she should reciprocate, argue, fired back with what I believe to be her downfalls, and everything I can think of to try. She will continue to come back with how I need to be more religious, pray more, read religious books with her, etc. I go to church with her every Sunday, and support her affiliation to church, but she cannot come up with the understanding that I am not her, I am not her father and I am not her brother. Although I was raised in a household where we went to church for most of the time, I am not that over outward Christian that she believes I should be. I have explained to her that open prayer is uncomfortable and awkward to me, but she doesn't care. Sometimes she comes back and talks very rudely or mean to me, which I will ask her if that is Christian which makes her mad. I am so desperate to make this marriage last, and we have three kids which further complicates it. I am a good father, and love my wife and kids completely. I just wish she would accept me for me and not who she thinks I should be. Would love any advice!


let me paint a scene for you

With the wife sitting in bed reading the bible, awaiting bed time. The husband walks in and kneels at the foot of the bed where there are two indentations because this is a nightly routine. He looks up to the sky with wondrous eyes while clasping his hands together. A look of muted frustration comes across the wife's face as her husband starts to pray.

"Oh please god, please make this woman stop bringing up the fact that I should pray to you more. Please make her understand that everyone has their own beliefs and that I don't say she's wrong for hers and maybe she can show me the same respect in my beliefs. Please lord, let your wonderful light shine down upon this woman so that she may, again, love and cherish her husband like you say in the bible. That she should accept me for the man that I am and appreciate the husband she has. And lastly oh dear lord. Please give me the patience to not throw her ass out the door if you don't grant the first part of this prayer". AMEN!!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

teach9497 said:


> This one is a long time coming. My wife says she loves me, yet periodically throughout our marriage she tells me that I am not religious enough, that I do not pray enough, that I am nothing, etc.


I'm not a Christian, but as a student of the source languages, this is the first thing that popped into my mind: 

---_The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get._'


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

DoF said:


> If that's the case than I blame men for even getting into marriage.....it should be "think of the past" by now!!!
> 
> :scratchhead:


It's because the wives do the bait and switch thing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lol, D&H. Actually, I think your prayer idea is pretty good, minus the last sentence.

I am surprised she is being so hard on you, OP, considering you already go to church with her every week. Do you think maybe she is really just upset with herself, but is blaming you? If she is feeling bad about her life, in whatever way, it might be easier to just attack you, rather than look at herself and see what is making her unhappy.

Would you be willing to compromise at all, for example, praying with her, just the two of you, before you go to bed at night? Or reading the Bible together?

She does need to accept you as you are, for the marriage to be harmonious. But until she gets there, just work on accepting yourself. The more confident you are in yourself, the more calmly you will be able to handle her.

And could you describe the active listening approaches you have tried, and how she has reacted? I am always surprised to hear that active listening does not work for people. It has been a miracle worker at our house.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jld said:


> Lol, D&H. Actually, I think your prayer idea is pretty good,* minus the last sentence*.
> 
> I am surprised she is being so hard on you, OP, considering you already go to church with her every week. Do you think maybe she is really just upset with herself, but is blaming you? If she is feeling bad about her life, in whatever way, it might be easier to just attack you, rather than look at herself and see what is making her unhappy.
> 
> ...


I thought that was the most important part 

The wife should be happy her husband is praying more, and he's reminding her one of his options if she keeps acting this way. 

That's a Win Win right there.

(yes I'm joking....somewhat...a little...maybe not )


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

jld, I have tried, "I love you but...." I love you honey but when you tell me that I should be someone that I am not it hurts, etc.

I have tried waiting to respond, and when I do I repeat what she says. 

I have tried not saying anything until she is completely done.

I have tried repe4ating things several different ways.

I have written things down, and asked her to do the same.

It's all futile


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I thought that was the most important part
> 
> The wife should be happy her husband is praying more, and he's reminding her one of his options if she keeps acting this way.
> 
> ...


Well, you made me chuckle, D&H. But somehow I don't think that prayer is going to go over well . . .


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> jld, I have tried, "I love you but...." I love you honey but when you tell me that I should be someone that I am not it hurts, etc.
> 
> I have tried waiting to respond, and when I do I repeat what she says.
> 
> ...


Definitely don't do that first one. Anything with "but" in it is sure to fail.

I think you need to see this as a challenge for you to become stronger in yourself. You need to not react to her. Just know in yourself who you are, and don't take what she says personally. She may be working out her own issues, but you do not have to absorb it all.

If you feel you have done all the active listening you could, and it has not worked, then you might want to set some limits. You tell her what you are willing to do, and then stick to it. She will get used to it, or she will eventually leave you.

Just work on yourself, teach. As you get stronger in yourself, she will react more favorably to you.

Religion aside, do you think she just wants to see you showing more leadership, period? Just the way you react to her seems pretty emotional. Emotion in men may not come across as leadership to women. 

Try to get stronger inside, and see if that doesn't help you be calmer and more effective in dealing with your wife.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is a concept of "religiousity."

It has to do with the outward expressions of religious beliefs.

Her belief system requires it. Yours does not.

Does hers consider you to be the head of the household?

If it does, then play that part and respectfully decline her poking at you to align with her beliefs.

You are far from being an infidel.

If she persists? Recite scriptures to her about the role of women and men.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

teach9497 said:


> This one is a long time coming. My wife says she loves me, yet periodically throughout our marriage she tells me that I am not religious enough, that I do not pray enough, that I am nothing, etc. She tells me everything that she believes that I do too much of, and everything I don't do enough of. I have tried every angle: defending myself, explaining that I have not misrepresented myself, that I love her for who she is and that she should reciprocate, argue, fired back with what I believe to be her downfalls, and everything I can think of to try. She will continue to come back with how I need to be more religious, pray more, read religious books with her, etc. I go to church with her every Sunday, and support her affiliation to church, but she cannot come up with the understanding that I am not her, I am not her father and I am not her brother. Although I was raised in a household where we went to church for most of the time, I am not that over outward Christian that she believes I should be. I have explained to her that open prayer is uncomfortable and awkward to me, but she doesn't care. Sometimes she comes back and talks very rudely or mean to me, which I will ask her if that is Christian which makes her mad. I am so desperate to make this marriage last, and we have three kids which further complicates it. I am a good father, and love my wife and kids completely. I just wish she would accept me for me and not who she thinks I should be. Would love any advice!


Ask her who she is to judge another man's servant? If she doesn't get the reference tell her she should read her Bible more. If she can't find the reference let me know. I'll point it out.

Are you a Christian?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Excuse me for bringing up the 800 lb. gorilla here but what is your current religious affiliation and what were your affiliations growing up? I think that might be helpful.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

I grew up Methodist, and we attend a Bible Chapel now. None of this has anything to do with it. I am uncomfortable praying out loud, and being an overly serious person. I do not want to pray out loud at any time. I believe in God, and accept Jesus as my savior, however I am not going to push religion on anyone, nor do I want it pushed on me. I am a great dad and husband! I am a teacher, and love my own kids and all of my students. I don't believe there is anything else that I need to outline about myself SpinDaddy. The fact is I have never tried to represent myself as an overt and outward Christian.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

teach9497 said:


> I grew up Methodist, and we attend a Bible Chapel now. None of this has anything to do with it. I am uncomfortable praying out loud, and being an overly serious person. I do not want to pray out loud at any time. I believe in God, and accept Jesus as my savior, however I am not going to push religion on anyone, nor do I want it pushed on me. I am a great dad and husband! I am a teacher, and love my own kids and all of my students. I don't believe there is anything else that I need to outline about myself SpinDaddy. The fact is I have never tried to represent myself as an overt and outward Christian.


I didn’t mean to be offensive Teach, but yes your religious backgrounds probably do play into this a great deal. From my experience Methodists are pretty low key and usually have great choirs. I’d guess Bible Chapel is your wife’s background it and it is more “charismatic” maybe more into the witnessing and etc.? 

I think I’d very much discuss with her that the differences in your upbringing and background do not necessarily indicate any more or less of a spirituality within you but that you are who you are. I appreciate your situation. I was raised Episcopalian (another low key denomination) but attended a Baptist University. I never really felt comfortable there. I became Lutheran for Ms. Spin and when we moved back to Texas it took us forever to find a Lutheran church that wasn’t “too Baptist.”

And I’m not knocking any one church here. Variety is the spice of life but as Popeye would say “I yam what I yam”. Another thing I might suggest is one Sunday a month go to different churches – not for the purpose of changing affiliation but just so that your wife can see that there is more than one recipe to this thing we call religion.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

mainline protestant vs evangelicals is dramatic difference in expression, I agree.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> She then goes on to say you need to pray at dinner, and pray out loud, be the spiritual leader, etc. It is constant and consistent.
> ...
> She grew up with a father who is a pastor and brother and sister who are missionaries.


Even before you said her father was a pastor, I already guessed that. I think I understand what's going on. She grew up in a home where her father often loudly called everyone to prayer, and she thinks that's normal (it isn't). So she is insecure because you are not playing by the same script that her family played by. Nor should you be expected to. 

Have you told her that you're not a pastor or a minister? *Make it clear to her that the way she grew up is not the only way to live. You both have to find your own path, NOT COPY HER PARENTS!*

After all, if she demands you act like her dad, then couldn't you demand she acts more like your mom? Fair's fair.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

I don't think it has anything to do with denomination. My problem is this has been re-occurring for 13 years, and every time it happens I feel crappy a bout then mad, then our relationship is weird for a few days. I just hate it! I love these kids and adore my wife, but know that she doesn't respect all of me, and truly believes that she is a better person. I don't know how to get her to look in a mirror or just understand that I am not a posable doll! It's very depressing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

teach9497 said:


> So, what do I do when she attacks me? She often asks me why I cant be more like her brother or father or brother in law. She comes at me with, you watch too much TV, drink beer (she drinks wine), are not a good enough father (I coach youth sports, play in the yard constantly with the kids, teach at my kids' school, even volunteer with the youth program at church). She then goes on to say you need to pray at dinner, and pray out loud, be the spiritual leader, etc. It is constant and consistent. I do notice that more often than not this accompanies her period, right before, but not always. I am just so tired of being made out to be a bad father or person when I KNOW that I am not. I am just trying to enjoy being a father and husband. She grew up with a father who is a pastor and brother and sister who are missionaries. Help Please!


If she washed all the religion away...what would be left..what did you & she have in common or loved/admired in each other outside of church going / religious beliefs when you dated each other ?? Was she always this way...or has it grown worse, the nit picking , the comparing...

I can relate in a small way -as I was more into Church going and reading my Bible over my H in our early yrs...he was never a reader though....every now & then I would say something ...how I wished he'd read the Bible or his taking a firmer lead -suggesting we pray.... but ya know...Here is the funny thing..probably even true of your wife & you...

My H always had more of those fruits of the spirit over me !! 

I fully recognized his willingness to go to church with me -when he was able.... or anything the church was doing, he was there by my side.....he never griped, or moaned.. he didn't fall asleep either.. but I think he wanted to!!... I used to chuckle at this one husband , he fell asleep every time he went...

Ya know..it sounds you have a good attitude.. you are there for your family... and Darn...she could have it so much worse....where is her thankfulness for what you DO BRING...can she see this...Look at that list...can I say...IMPRESSIVE.....heck...You blow most christian men out of the water here..."I coach youth sports, play in the yard constantly with the kids, teach at my kids' school, even volunteer with the youth program at church"...

Does she ever acknowledge or Love on you -for what you do...and the good you serve? 

Maybe she should look around her church and notice all the wives whose husband's refuse to go with them... instead of focusing on her missionary relatives... 

Sometimes what we wish for could come to bite US even .... IT sounds to me she is overlooking things very badly and caught up in trying to feed some void .....she likely doesn't even understand what it is...yet she is using religion/spirituality and turning her focus on you... so she doesn't have to look back at herself...

Even if you reached these heights she has dancing in her head.. ...she'd probably find something else to compare...and push the marker even further....and you'd never win...when someone can't find that acceptance in the other... it could be something lacking in themselves even..

I am suggesting she has a void in her life.. any thoughts on this...and she has allowed reaching for this perfection to keep her stuck on a hamster wheel....like a religious addiction.. many of us do this in various forms.. in her case, she is using religion to measure you... I lost my religion some years ago..and now I thank the Living God my H was never religious...Our oldest son is a worship Leader and he tells me "Mom, all you had was religion anyway" -I had it all wrong.. but just saying.. I feel much freer getting away from all that... but yeah.. not what you are looking to hear , of course... Nothing wrong with faith.. if it helps you be a better person.. if it ends up making one compare everyone around them, however, like your wife is doing.. it can cause more harm than good.

I am sure all her Missionary men she is measuring you up against have their imperfections and BAD -but she doesn't live with them....ya know...



> *I am uncomfortable praying out loud*, and being an overly serious person. I do not want to pray out loud at any time. I believe in God, and accept Jesus as my savior, however I am not going to push religion on anyone, nor do I want it pushed on me. I am a great dad and husband!


and there is nothing wrong with this....we are even told to pray in secret ..Your wife likely has an extroverted personality and your's is naturally introverted.. GOD created you different and your expressions are different.. and opposites often Attract !...

..Remind her of Matt 5-6...



> "*5* When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. *6*"But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you".


And she might do well to pick up a temperament book ... this one written by a christian...

Why You Act the Way You Do: Books

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

Yes Theseus, I have said many times that I did not grow up the same way she did. It only seems to anger her worse. I know that it is not normal. I have tried to explain to her that even her own friends do not live that way, she doesn't seem to want to hear and often blows it off. She can be very passive-aggressive sometimes too, like asking me to pray in front of her family (which she knows I cannot stand), or sitting silently at the dinner table expecting me to pray, even though I have told her thousands of times that I am uncomfortable and do not want to. I absolutely HATE IT when she says, "Go ahead" or "how about daddy prays". I have told her this but she continues this practice. I bow my head to appease her and show that I respect her faith, but that is never enough. UGH!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> Yes Theseus, I have said many times that I did not grow up the same way she did. It only seems to anger her worse. I know that it is not normal. I have tried to explain to her that even her own friends do not live that way, she doesn't seem to want to hear and often blows it off.


I remember years ago watching an interview with the actress Suzanne Somers (unless you watched TV in the late 70s you wouldn't know her). Anyway, she said her first marriage didn't work because things were too happy, of all things. She grew up in a home where parents were often getting into drunken fights, hitting each other, and police were regularly showing up at the house. She thought that was normal, and so she was freaking out when her husband didn't behave that way. 

That's a rather extreme version of what your wife is doing, but the point is she should realize that everyone finds God in their own way, and her road map isn't the right road map for everyone. 



> _or sitting silently at the dinner table expecting me to pray, even though I have told her thousands of times that I am uncomfortable and do not want to. I absolutely HATE IT when she says, "Go ahead" or "how about daddy prays". I have told her this but she continues this practice. I bow my head to appease her and show that I respect her faith, but that is never enough. UGH!_


Here I'm a bit sympathetic to your wife. Marriage always involves compromises. If you want her to change, you should be willing to change just a little too. Simply saying grace at the dinner table once in awhile shouldn't be a big deal, should it? Just say a quick prayer, and that's it! It doesn't have to be a big production. There are certainly worse things she could ask of you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She does not sound like she is emotionally healthy. Look up personality disorders especially borderline personality disorder. 

When you read about PD, see if your wife fits. Also, search for Uptown's post on this site. You may find them very helpful.

Having an idea of what is wrong with her will assure you that its not you and that there was never anything you could have done to make her happy. Unfortunately for your wife, she is the one with the pathology. 

Now comes the hard part. You have to do something that you have had little practice with since your marriage - being yourself. Learn that there is and never was anything wrong with you. 

It will take time to sort things out but this is a good start. 

BTW - if more prayer will make you a better person why is she not a better person since she is the expert on prayer?


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation!

How old are the kids?

Best wishes


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> I don't think it has anything to do with denomination. My problem is this has been re-occurring for 13 years, and every time it happens I feel crappy a bout then mad, then our relationship is weird for a few days. I just hate it! I love these kids and adore my wife, but know that she doesn't respect all of me, and truly believes that she is a better person. I don't know how to get her to look in a mirror or just understand that I am not a posable doll! It's very depressing.



All this stuff about background etc is secondary. 

Here's how you deal with this, when she says this crap to you, say this exactly:

"Knock it off! I'm not going to take this manipulation"

And walk away. 

I'm not kidding. 

When my wife behaves badly I call her on it!!! Make no mistake, this is poor behavior. This is YOUR fault. You are allowing it to happen. 

Don't explain. Don't tell her why she's wrong. Most of all STOP LETTING HER FEELINGS GUIDE YOUR ACTIONS. Her feelings are hers alone to deal with. 

Some of the most manipulative poorly behaving people were the most religious zealots I knew. Hiding behind zealotry doesn't excuse bad behavior.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

Hobbes, my kids are all in grade school.

U.E., I have definitely had those moments. I have fired back at times with things I wish that I didn't say. I do call her on her actions, but she always comes back with, "I expect more out of my husband". It's just so sad that she can't realize that none of her friends follow this lifestyle. She always figures out a way to point out the 1% of people we know who do. I am going to take the advice of D.E.E.R. which was posted early on in this thread.

In retrospect, I grew up in a household where my father took care of everyone. He has always been so kind and considerate to my mother and us kids. He never has a negative word for anyone, and always strives to find the happy medium to create harmony. I work to emulate my father, but I am also my own person. My wife refuses to recognize that I am a good guy who cares completely for his family. She doesn't see that I am working to make a happy life for her and our kids.

Theseus, although I appreciate your advice, saying a prayer at dinner is exactly what makes me uncomfortable. By making this suggestion you are really fostering a way to make things worse. I know her personality. She will come back with statements like, "see you could have done that all along....now let's read the bible and join every life group available at church, etc.". This would make my life miserable and eventually lead to me resenting her. Her family loves me and accepts for who I am, she just can't seem to do this.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm a little confused as to what you want. You've ignored some advice and been negative towards other advice you were given. What is it that you expect from us?


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

SimplyAmorous, We have a lot in common when you wash away the religion. We are in the same profession, involved in the community, we are both of the same national descent, etc. We love our kids, house, neighborhood, community, going out to restaurants, and travelling with our kids. Many other areas of our relationship have a very strong connection.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. 

May I ask, is divorce an option (at all) for you if things get worse and worse? Or is it completely off the table?


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

sandc, I am looking for strategies that I have not tried yet. I appreciate the advice, but am not looking for a personal attack. I like the DEER strategy, and am getting other tidbits from posts. I am not sure how you view this board, but I see it as a sounding board, support board, and a place to discuss issues in people's lives. I know when something will work, and what I have tried that won't work.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

Hobbes, I don't see ever entertaining the option of divorce as I love this woman!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks, I understand that you love her. But do your religious views forbid you from divorcing her?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Teach9497, I think I have a different take on your situation than has been mentioned on this thread.

In reading your posts, I get the impression that your wife is challenging you for dominance of the marriage.

As an outside observer who is not particularly religious, I think that you pass all the general tests for being devout. I believe that most everyone else would agree, based on your regular church attendance and additional involvement in church activities.

Your wife keeps challenging one of your "strengths," indeed, one of your greatest strengths. Its like she's sh!t-testing you (not cursing gratuitously, that's the actual scientific term from Married Man Sex Life).

May I suggest that you head over to MMSL and do some reading, and if it makes sense to you, buy the book.

Nothing you have described indicates any level of messed-uppedness that would bring divorce into the discussion in any way. It just sounds to me like she wants you to be more dominant in the marriage.

Disclaimer- I could be wrong!

But additional perspective rarely makes things worse.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> Theseus, although I appreciate your advice, saying a prayer at dinner is exactly what makes me uncomfortable. By making this suggestion you are really fostering a way to make things worse. I know her personality. She will come back with statements like, "see you could have done that all along....now let's read the bible and join every life group available at church, etc.". This would make my life miserable and eventually lead to me resenting her. Her family loves me and accepts for who I am, she just can't seem to do this.



I suggested it as one type of compromise that maybe would be tolerable to you. Everyone could even take turns saying grace; one day it's your wife, next day you, next day one of your children, etc. 

Obviously it would change from a compromise to a capitulation if she expected you to do a lot of other things, so you would have to be firm about where the limits are. 

Bottom line is, you have to do what is right for you, but if you want her to change, then you should also look for some small ways you could compromise to her side without making life intolerable for you.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

teach9497 said:


> sandc, I am looking for strategies that I have not tried yet. I appreciate the advice, but am not looking for a personal attack. *I like the DEER strategy*, and am getting other tidbits from posts. I am not sure how you view this board, but I see it as a sounding board, support board, and a place to discuss issues in people's lives. I know when something will work, and what I have tried that won't work.


Good luck on that Teach! “_STFU and get me a turkey pot pie_” is an excellent approach to mutual growth, caring and admiration in a marital relationship.

Since you’re going to take anything you don’t particularly like as a personal attack let me further observe that I think you are being exceptionally thin skinned, myopic and will never work this issue out to some semblance of an amicable compromise.

“_If you didn’t want to go to Chicago why did you get on the train going to Chicago_?” Ponder that for awhile before you let yourself become offended.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> Yes Theseus, I have said many times that I did not grow up the same way she did. It only seems to anger her worse. I know that it is not normal. I have tried to explain to her that even her own friends do not live that way, she doesn't seem to want to hear and often blows it off. She can be very passive-aggressive sometimes too, like asking me to pray in front of her family (which she knows I cannot stand), or sitting silently at the dinner table expecting me to pray, even though I have told her thousands of times that I am uncomfortable and do not want to. I absolutely HATE IT when she says, "Go ahead" or "how about daddy prays". I have told her this but she continues this practice. I bow my head to appease her and show that I respect her faith, but that is never enough. UGH!


 Look. It comes down to this. Simple respect. You have given her the respect that she deserves and respect her views on religion and at the very least, she should give the same in return. 

Problem is, she's not doing that and is shoving her views down your throat not knowing that when anyone does something like that, all it does is make the other person more an more resistant to complying.

Time for you to sit her down and in a way that she will fully understand let her know that her views are hers and you cannot or will not allow her to shove her views down your throat an longer and do it in a way that she finally realizes that your at your breaking point.

If she gets pissed then let her but at least she'll know that she pushed too far and she's asking for trouble. 

I once ran into a woman who kept trying to take me to a faith healer for my illness and it got to a point where she just didn't know when to stop and finally when push came to shove, I had to pretty much get in her face and tell her to keep her views to herself because I was tired of hearing about it. She finally got the message.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

6301, I agree with you. And, yes I have tried over and over again to explain that her views are hers and my views are mine. It usually comes back with, "the bible says....", and "why can't you be more like [brother's name] or [bro in law's name]" 

I really like the post with the bible passages from Matthew 5-6! This gives me some perspective from the bible, and I am not sure how she will take it, but I will use that next time. I will also use DEER. I am not sure if I can just STFU and walk out of the room, as I am hopelessly trying to get her to understand wh, there is no other domestic situation I am interested in. I am coming from in hopes that someday she will grasp it.

Is divorce against religious beliefs? Not completely, Christians get divorced all the time. But its not for me. I would like to work this out, but getting her to understand what she is doing is impossible.

Those of you asking me to give up and pray are basically doing the same thing that my wife is doing. She doesn't want me to go through the motions, she wants me to emit something that doesn't exist and makes me uncomfortable. What if I asked her to just stick a little pin in her hand? I know it causes discomfort, but it would be better for me? Ridiculous, definitely, yet the same idea all the same. I would love for her to just accept me for me!

The next time this comes up I am going to use some of the pertinent strategies outlined, but I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. 

I was in church once with my wife, and the pastor said, "Don't be a religious bully". He went on to outline that shoving religion down people's throat is not good for anyone. She admitted that she did this, however tHat was 10 years ago and she still continues to behave like this.

Thanks for all your good ideas! I appreciate it!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, you can't control other people. You can only control your reaction to them.

You have already told her how you feel. Now, just don't react. Even leaving the room is reacting.

Just believe in yourself, and go on with what you are doing. If you are at the table, and she asks you to pray, just say No, thanks, and either let her do it, or start eating.

Don't let her issues bother you. Be strong in yourself.

Like others have said, I think that is what she is really wanting, anyway: strength from you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

teach9497 said:


> 6301, I agree with you. And, yes I have tried over and over again to explain that her views are hers and my views are mine. It usually comes back with, "the bible says....", and "why can't you be more like [brother's name] or [bro in law's name]"


 And your answer you give her is this. "I'm not your brother. I'm not your brother in law. I'm not your Dad. I'm the guy you married and right now I'm wondering what happened to the woman that I married because she's turned into a religious fanatic and making me start to question if I made a mistake".

Then you let her know that if she brings this crap up any more than she can go live with her people.

Honest to God, when people start getting that fanatical about their beliefs and then trying to shove it down someone else's throat, I start thing................cult. Sorry I mean no offense to your wife but she's out of control and your the only one that can do anything about it. 

I would give her a choice. Either accept me as I am or find someone else. Let her know that she's driving you away and she's getting close. It's inexcusable on her part and she should know better


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

But 6301, he doesn't want to leave her. He wants to stay with her, but to be respected.

Responding the way you are suggesting is very reactive. It does not convey inner strength.

He just needs to know his own limits, and abide by them. He does not need to put anything on her.


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## teach9497 (May 8, 2014)

6301, I know that you are right! I have fired back out of anger with similar thoughts in the past which only seems to make things worse, but I know that you are right.

At present time we are in kind of a typical transition period. She came at me with the same negative comments about two weeks ago, and is now very snuggly and loving. This continues until the next time she fires back. I always hope it won't happen again, but history shows it will rear its ugly head again. And no 6301 I take no offense at all as some of these thoughts have come to me before.

Thanks again to everyone who posted. I know there are many things I can do, but I just have to figure out the best way to apply. I appreciate you!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

jld said:


> But 6301, he doesn't want to leave her. He wants to stay with her, but to be respected.
> 
> Responding the way you are suggesting is very reactive. It does not convey inner strength.
> 
> He just needs to know his own limits, and abide by them. He does not need to put anything on her.


 I understand that but no one has the right including his wife to brow beat him into submission. 

If the shoe was on the other foot, she wouldn't like it, neither would you or me.

There comes a point in time when enough is enough. It's just a total lack of respect on her part and every bit as ignorant and sometimes you have to resort to different measures to bring someone back into reality.


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

This post sounds like an episode from the Waltons. Olivia is always on John's case about not being baptized or going to church. But Olivia wouldn't push it like your wife.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

How about you reject every criticism from her and just go be awesome?

Do not get sucked into her black hole of negativity, and most of all: DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE DEFINE YOU AND DEFINE WHAT SUCCESS IS.

This is how men fail.


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## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm a christian and I understand what your wife feels but her response to you is not what the bible teaches. She has to be patient with you and by her good attitude and example, God will change you at His time. 

Meanwhile, continue to be the responsible and loving husband and father you are. I'm sure your family will grow out of this phase soon.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Married Man Sex Life Forum

That's the link to MMSG forum. You'll get more great advice threre if you start a thread. But call the thread "emotional abusive wife" or "wife forcing her views on me"

Yeah, I've been down that road. I'm a SAHD and wife makes very good money. So the dynamics of my marriage was she thought she was the boss of everything, controlled everything. Took me a while to change that around but I succeeded. Thing is, once a norm (controlling behavior) has been set in for years it takes just as long to break it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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