# Hopefully it's not too late



## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I just found this forum a few days ago. I hope it's not too late. Beginning of october after the worst fight we've ever had, the wife began to be distant. A couple weeks later she wrote me an email detailing her problems with the marriage. I told her I would stop those actions. She continued to be distant although at that time I just felt she was acting weird, which made me angry. During one of those arguments she stated she wanted marriage counseling to which I said no because I did not realize how serious matters were. Approx 3 weeks later, I realized that she was still distant, I asked for marriage counseling at which point she said no. I asked multiple different times. She stated that she needed space and so I moved out for a week to live with a friend. After that week, she said she was going to stay with one of her girlfriends. Forward a few more weeks to early december, she states she wants a divorce. At this time, my parents came and tried to talk her out of it which obviously didn't work. All along I had been suspecting their might be an affair going on, but never thought she could do anything like that. I had enough proof the few days after my parents came and confronted her. She denied until I told her the proof I had after which she confessed. It seems like it's mostly emotional but they have at least kissed. She already wanted a divorce so this didn't change matters. I immediately made her expose it to her siblings and I also wrote them an email, but didn't seem like that had much of an affect. I exposed it to a couple of her friends who although say it's not right what she's doing are supporting her and understand because in her mind the marriage was over. I exposed it to her parents last week, and although they said they would never tolerate the behavior they are believing her lies even though I have provided proof. I have asked the OM to quit having contact with her. I mailed a letter to his parents a couple days ago. Then I came across this forum. She completely moved out yesterday, so I suppose we are automatically in plan B. The OM is her coworker. Is my next step to continue exposing? Thank you


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes expose it to there employer and that you are hoping for there support in rebuilding the marriage. In addition company time maybe being spent with there affair.


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

I am sorry you are going through this. Your story sound a little like mine at the moment.

What proof did you have the she was having an affair? n. I know who the OW is, where she works but I don't have any proof of cheating.....just what I feel is an EA.

Please reply. I am interested in your story.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I have sent the OM an email today to stop contact with my wife or I will expose to their workplace. 

I had phone records, text messages, followed her around as my proof. She admitted it finally after I presented her with some of my knowledge.

It's a sad situation, I wish she had gotten family/friends involved to talk with me about the problems she had. I was blind-sided by her unhappiness. I wish I had listened to her instead of being a stubborn fool. I am working on those issues, I was hoping that I would be able to show her the new me, but most likely it will have to be for a new wife some day.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did you cc your wife?


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

No I did not cc my wife, should I?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm curious to were your wife moved to? If it was with the OM it sounds like it is to late, especially if SHE continues to contact OM. You can only hope he doesn't want this baggage and bails on her.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

If she is gone now all you can do is let her know you are willing to work on your marriage if she ends the affair, but until she is committed you will not engage her in any way, 
then you let the reality of that relationship play out......affairs usually only last between 6 months and 2 years.......once she has to have all her needs met by the Om, she might be disappointed in him.........just work on yourself, expose the affair to everyone close to her. be nice when you do speak and just work on being a better person..........
it's hard to wait it out, go for therapy, it helps to talk things through, keep your family and freinds close.........
and don't do anything to make things worse


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

abc098 said:


> I have sent the OM an email today to stop contact with my wife or I will expose to their workplace.
> 
> I had phone records, text messages, followed her around as my proof. She admitted it finally after I presented her with some of my knowledge.
> 
> It's a sad situation, I wish she had gotten family/friends involved to talk with me about the problems she had. I was blind-sided by her unhappiness. I wish I had listened to her instead of being a stubborn fool. I am working on those issues, I was hoping that I would be able to show her the new me, but most likely it will have to be for a new wife some day.


Have you gotten a response from the OM? I wouldn't expect one but you never know. Everyone is different.

Did you see the actually text messages or did your proof come from the bill? 

Everything revolves around communication. I am struggling with my own lack of communication with my H. I am scared/nervous that if I do open up and tell him my feelings on his texting and phone calls to girl 15-20 years younger than him, I'll be ridiculed. He's told me it's all good and he's doing nothing wrong but I see it as your texting girls your daughters ages and calling them, so yeah it's a problem.

Maybe I just don't know.....:scratchhead:


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

My wife did not move in with OM..she moved a couple miles away from me by herself. I only emailed the OM not her. I just said that this is unprofessional behavior and unless he has no contact with my wife I will expose him. OM did not reply however she replied to me saying "how dare u try to bring work into this! u are hateful and vengeful! u will be defaming him at work...u are the unprofessional" How should I reply? She also sent a nice email to my sister (who she hasn't contacted at all until now) asking her to tell me not to tell people at work as it will affect her career. Obviously she has a strong connection with the OM. I'm planning on speaking to her parents again in the next couple days hoping they understand how serious this affair is (she continues to tell them they're just friends) and can have some influence on her. It saddens me that three months ago she was telling me she can't wait to have kids and now this is all happening.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

She keeps stating that even if he wasn't in the picture the marriage would have ended. I don't believe that, but if that's true all she has to do is not have contact with him until we are officially divorced. But obviously that won't happen.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I appreciate and look forward to any more replies. Thank you


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I'm kind of surprised you haven't gotten more responses! What your wife is doing is standard - pretty much predictable behavior - making you the reason for everything, turning the arguments around so that you are the bad guy, etc. 



> I only emailed the OM not her. I just said that this is unprofessional behavior and unless he has no contact with my wife I will expose him.


May I make a suggestion? This is water under the bridge, and you can do nothing about any 'damage' control the Other Guy (or your wife) may employ regarding this particular situation, but from here on out, do not show your hand in any dealings you may have. 

What I mean is this: a more effective way of dealing with this (again, this is _after the fact - hindsight_) would be to have written to the Other Man, and simply tell him who you are, request that he leave your wife alone, and that you intend to fight for your marriage. By leaving out the threat of exposing him, you leave that avenue much more open - by this time, he will have had time to start spreading rumors at work about how insane her husband is, how he is falsely accusing, etc... so that if you DO expose the affair, you have a much smaller bargaining position.



> OM did not reply however she replied to me saying "how dare u try to bring work into this! u are hateful and vengeful! u will be defaming him at work...u are the unprofessional" How should I reply?


I wouldn't reply. In her combative state of mind, there is little that you could do that will make the situaiton any less volatile. But you should be very clear with her that:

1) Your marriage is still open to her
2) You love her
3) You will not support, nor enable and affair.

Yes, she will fling all kinds of invective at you. Her quotes above are so typical it would be humorous in a sitcom. The real problem is that this man's behavior has 'defamed' him, not the fact that you noticed it. 



> She also sent a nice email to my sister (who she hasn't contacted at all until now) asking her to tell me not to tell people at work as it will affect her career.


So will the fact that if her place of employment finds out that she and her 'lover' are using company time and equipment for personal reasons (company time for 'meetings', company email for planning, etc. 

If this affair ends, and your marriage is to recover, it will be either she or that Other Man who will have to leave the place of employment. That is the cost of infidelity. 

Check this article on why I make that claim. 



> Obviously she has a strong connection with the OM. I'm planning on speaking to her parents again in the next couple days hoping they understand how serious this affair is (she continues to tell them they're just friends) and can have some influence on her.


Good idea - it's quite possible this will have a good effect. Keep in mind, however, that you have given your wife prior warning of these actions, and have given her time to build her case (including lies to her parents). Trey may well take her side - and even if they are not approving of an affair, it is quite possible that they will still take the stand that 'while they don't approve, she is their daughter, and they will stand by her...'




> It saddens me that three months ago she was telling me she can't wait to have kids and now this is all happening.


Actually, this can be good news. It reveals that she is buried in 'the fog' - she has re-written her entire life so that the things she wanted just a short time ago have all of the sudden become null and void. And this is because she has built a fantasy around this Other Man - she magnifies all his good points, and minimizes all his bad - while doing the exact opposite (maximizing your BAD points and minimizing your good ones). 

This is done to justify behavior that she would find reprehensible in others - as a means of maintaining a moral high ground while choosing immoral means. By re-writing her world, her choice becomes the best possible one - _regardless of reality_ (for example, the fact that she is choosing a guy who will sleep with married women....

Have you read our 'Seven Steps' to ending an affair? This may help you plan how you will address this situation to your best advantage...


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you for your reply tanelornpete

I spoke to her parents today. They stated they have tried to tell her to stop however she is not listening. They said they will try to come to our city once a month and stay with her to hopefully direct her. But they obviously can't make any promises.

I was thinking of sending an anonymous email to their work place and only stating that the OM is having an affair with someone however will not state her name in hopes the OM will not want to deal with the troubles.

I have read the 7 steps to ending an affair, right now I have exposed it to her immediate family, my family and friends (should I have them contact her?), and a couple of her friends (who although are telling her it is wrong, "understand" why she's doing what she's doing).

I don't think there's a point of the consequences letter as she left me.

So basically it seems, expose and wait and try to heal myself? Not much else to do it seems like at this point


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. States that her filing for divorce has nothing to do with him, but due to he feelings of not being treated well for all those years. Then I said I want to make his life a living hell, and will do whatever I can to ruin his life. Granted my feelings change daily if not hourly, but at this point I dont know if what I'm doing is right or even worth it at this point.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

exposure is the key to breaking up that affair, look if you conduct yourself in this manner than surely you are prepared to take whatever comes your way because of your actions. 
as far as hurting her isn't that what she did, you didn't make her have an affair that was her choice, so maybe she could blame the right people here, her and the OM.
you owe the OM nothing, do you think he cared at all about you.
you do what you have to do to save your marriage and that is removing the OM from your wife's life.............
if she says anything just keep repeating yourself that you are doing what you have to do to save your marriage.
hell some people will pat you on the back for what you are doing, most people know that an affair while you are married is a very hurtful thing to do to someone you are suppose to love, someone you made a vow to..........
just tell your wife you will do what you have to and when she comes to her senses you will be willing to work on your marriage. tell her you love her and always have, tell her you think she is worth fighting for..........
It will be tough to take this stance but your only shot at this point..........
Look up FOG BABBLE and you can see she is doing everything test book, saying everything every wayward says.......she is lost in affair fog and that needs to be hit with a huge shot of reality..........
Hang tough, and post here when you get weak.........
Take your power back, be pleasant and just keep repeating the same reasons you are doing this...........
Look up Reverse Babble, lt takes a great plan to do this, but your marriage is worth it.......


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Granted my feelings change daily if not hourly, but at this point I dont know if what I'm doing is right or even worth it at this point.


First thing to do is to step back and realize that if you want to have any hope of recovering your marriage, you have to begin creating a habit of being calm and rational. By that , I don't mean 'feeling' calm or rational. Your feelings happen, and will happen throughout your life. But you would do much better if you did not respond to whatever emotion you sense, and instead follow a preplanned set of principles - a plan of action. If you have that set up ahead of time, you can refer to it, rather than to any emotion you may be experiencing - and then proceed with whatever action you have planned. 

My guess is that at least part of the troubles between you two has arisen because of a tendency to 'act first, and think later'. 

Second, keep in mind that your wife is 'fog-bound' - that is, she is not thinking clearly right now. Her promise of fidelity is standing between her and what she believes she needs and wants, and she is doing all she can to override the knowledge that she is cheating - including filing for divorce.

Keep in mind that once she sees an attorney, it will be in that attorney's best interest to keep the affair going until the divorce is settled - so that there are plenty of billable hours to charge. Almost no attorney has their client's best interests in mind - they are trained to find ways to garner wealth by manipulating laws, people and circumstances (usually for the benefit of 'the firm'). 

What this means is that your wife will be receiving advice from him on how to avoid reconciliation. This means that you will be on your own as to the work of saving your marriage. Your wife will be in the midst of legal distractions and sleight of hand to keep her 'in tow' - even if she begins to see that she doesn't want to leave you after all, which is where you should be aiming right now. 



> States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying...


Here is evidence that she is not thinking clearly and is deep in 'the fog'. She has no clue about any 'legal' proceedings concerning exposure. This, ironically, is a good sign for you.

Concerning exposure:



> She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him.


First off, have no concern for the Other Man. His choice to have an affair with a married woman is what has ruined his life, not the fact that her husband objects and forces the issue! The argument that 'exposing him will ruin his life' has about the same weight as the notion that reporting a murdered to the cops will ruin the murderer's life. Poor murdered - if only people hadn't objected to his actions and 'told on him,' he'd still be free and happy!

Exposure is intended to put stress on the affair itself, by revealing it. An affair flourishes when it is secret (it's much more exhilarating that way!) Once it is exposed, the partners begin to face each other more honestly. Quite often this is enough to end an affair

_Ending the affair is priority one. You cannot save your marriage until there is no affair in the wings._

In my last post, I made a request that you stop reveling your hand. Doing this will give the other 'players' an advantage over you - since they know your next step, they will find ways to prevent you from doing it.

Here is a place where that would have been extremely useful - hopefully you will take my advice soon!:



> I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her.


Whether you are going to expose her actions to people who will or are being affected by her actions, the fact that if you had not told her that you _weren't_ would have left her wondering and worrying -and right now, that kind of stress works in your favor by placing stress on the affair relationship. And stress on that relationship is a huge motivator to end it. Which, as I stated, is priority one.

So stop revealing your hand. Let her wonder. Don't give her your plans. Instead, let her know you are her friend, you care about her, and you want to work on your marriage. _Regardless of her responses to this information_ keep that as a 'mantra'. Let it be the most common hing she hears from you. At night, while she is alone, thinking she will recall those words. 



> I don't think there's a point of the consequences letter as she left me...So basically it seems, expose and wait and try to heal myself? Not much else to do it seems like at this point


No point to the "Consequences stage" now anyway - those 7 steps are like a ladder - each one is designed to follow the previous one - skipping rungs on the ladder is not very useful. At this point, you are more than likely at the Exposure stage, and headed toward 'Carrot & Stick' - which is where I suggest you remain until the divorce is finalized. 

Expose first, and then move to 'Carrot & Stick' (or, Plan A.) That step is extremely involved (see the "180" that I am posting following this post). 

We use the metaphor of a lighthouse in our work: your wife is lost in the fog, and you are the lighthouse, showing her the way home. An important point to consider regarding this analogy is that a lighthouse is consistent, stable, and solid. It isn't dashed about by whims (crashing waves), nor is it's meaning obscured (that light is bright!).


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

A repeat of the 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting, get busy, do things, church, sports, tan,
15. When home with your spouse, be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you’ve had an awakening and as far as you’re concerned, you’re going to move on with your life.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold, wait to see if spouse notices.
19. No matter what you’re feeling TODAY, only show spouse happiness.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk.
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on other parts of your life).
28. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed
much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of
what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives
because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you for your continued replies. You guys are gonna think I'm not listening to you, I am, just have a lot of anxiety about doing this for whatever reason. In my state there's a 6 month period of separation before we can be divorced. My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final, but still definitely wants divorce (i don't think she knows about the 6 month rule). If she gives me access to phone records, email, etc should i take her up on this? Basically it seems she's willing to do whatever if I don't expose him at the moment. I was thinking about even making her go to counseling for herself (to help with her perspective about things, low self esteem at times, always looking at negative aspects in things, to be emotionally stronger), my reasoning would be that I care about her and she needs help with these things even if it is for another relationship. I've been reading a lot and haven't seen this particular twist. I know I should have a particular plan, just want to run this twist by you guys. Thank you


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Your wife is making promises to you that you cannot believe, she is a liar and a cheater right now. You can't trust her.
If she is looking to protect him from exposure, what does that tell you, he is upset by all this, this is a good thing they are probably fighting about the subject right now, I would expose she will be mad so what , they will fight and really learn what it is like to be accountable...........when she sees him for what he really is, she will be running back to you in no time...........
You can survive her being mad for exposing, just tell her you will do anything to save your marriage.................you can't survive your wife being in a relationship with someone else and you just sitting back watching it happen.
I know it's tough, be the best man you can be and don't be afraid to fight for what is yours......


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I am working on composing a letter to their workplace..any suggestions of how to phrase things?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If no one has posted a sample by tonight Central US time I will look for a template to share with you. At this stage no matter how much you love your wife this is her evil twin you are dealing with and dishonesty is second nature. For the sake of your marriage expose this affair to the OM's family, work aquaintances and friends. I am assuming that he is of the age group that is very likley to have facebook or access to another social network site. Do a bit of investigative work and track down these contacts, your wife may even be under his friends list. Do not feel guilty to dig and obtain their details even if it is mobile phone numbers. Within one of my posts on another thread there is a mail/facebook/text exposure note.

Do not discuss divorce if she brings it up change the topic. You have a finite window to shatter this affair, every day that passes without you exposing enables them to badmouth you so they can cover their tracks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Below is a facebook type message targeted at the OM, his friends and family. If you use facebook send the messages at 90 second intervals, target as many of his family, married friends, co-workers as you can.



> Dear friend of XXXX,(full name of OM)
> 
> It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends and family should know that XXX is having an affair with my wife, (your wifes first and last name) . They started the affair in ZZZZ.
> 
> ...


I added a paragraph for the work situation. Do not worry about threats etc. this is a working template , try not to dilute the content and message.

I suggest you get this message out this weekend, the longer you wait the more time they have to undermine you and they are doing hat have no doubt. The letter and exposure does work. Remember you are fighting for your marriage. 

The OM and some of his friends may make all sort of comments non will hold as you are telling the truth.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

sent email to their bosses today...see what happens...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you sent mails/facebook messages to his friends and family. A drip drip will prolong your pain, you must expose this to those he is in contact with. The pressure of the affair must be enough for him to drop your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

abc098 said:


> I just found this forum a few days ago. I hope it's not too late. Beginning of october after the worst fight we've ever had, the wife began to be distant. A couple weeks later she wrote me an email detailing her problems with the marriage. I told her I would stop those actions.


So wait. She communicated to you her issues. And you told her to stop communicating her issues? 
then...


> She continued to be distant although at that time I just felt she was acting weird, which made me angry. During one of those arguments she stated she wanted marriage counseling to which I said no because I did not realize how serious matters were.


Someone asks for marriage counseling. You say no "because you didn't realize how serious things were"? Hello? Marriage counseling?

So now you hope it is not too late. Sounds like it is. I am not going to be like the affair care folk who tell you how to draw it out ad naseum. Let the woman go. She obviously was not worth your effort when you had her. Let her find someone who does consider her worth it.

Just my two cents, probably from the bitter side of my brain.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Just my two cents, probably from the bitter side of my brain.


Most likely - us 'affaircare folk' do NOT advise you draw something out ad nauseum. We advise you draw it out as long as you believe that you can handle it, until _you_ decide that you've had enough, because there is always a chance that 'dragging it out' can result in a return to the marriage if, over time, it becomes apparent that the person the cheater is trying to escape is actually the one they want to find. But if you come to the point where you come to the understanding that this just isn't going to happen - at _that_ point, you take the next step - rather than jumping into a decision based upon emotional reaction and the promptings of people who are ... slightly?...embittered by their own experiences...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Most likely - us 'affaircare folk' do NOT advise you draw something out ad nauseum. We advise you draw it out as long as you believe that you can handle it, until _you_ decide that you've had enough, because there is always a chance that 'dragging it out' can result in a return to the marriage if, over time, it becomes apparent that the person the cheater is trying to escape is actually the one they want to find.


I don't have any issue with the advice you give, There are different perspectives. 



> But if you come to the point where you come to the understanding that this just isn't going to happen - at _that_ point, you take the next step - rather than jumping into a decision based upon emotional reaction and the promptings of people who are ... slightly?...embittered by their own experiences...


Not all marriages are worth saving.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I honestly believe this marriage would have been great. Just needed a wakeup call...


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

email from here today:
also please understand that i am sorry for everything. i wish this marriage worked out. i feel sad about it. i still wonder if i couldve been better. but i just can't feel this way any longer. please understand that OM has nothing to do with the decision for ending the marriage. please try and understand that. i know its hard and its upsetting. but i do care about you and your well being. and i want you to be happy. maybe we were just not good for each other but i know there will be someone out there better for you than me. i felt like i told u when we would fight and when i would tell you i don't like how you treated me a certain way ... that was enough for me ... but i guess not for you ... that is both of our faults ... and sorry it happened this way.

i appreciate that you are willing to work on the marriage ... but my fear of our future is weights too heavily and i think that we have struggled/i have struggled for so long that a future will be the same. i don't want to have kids and be unhappy. and i don't want you to be with someone unhappy. you deserve a very happy/loving marriage/family.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

This is such a standard form letter - I've read this one so many times before - it's almost as if there is a script book that cheaters follow (oh wait....The Script!)

It's amazing that this has come about so suddenly! Remember this quote?



> "...It saddens me that three months ago she was telling me she can't wait to have kids and now this is all happening...


Not long ago she was saying the exact opposite, and within the space of 90 days things in your marriage have become so intolerable, and the problems so insurmountable that she needs to leave to escape the horror? It takes longer than that to grow a good tomato! 

This letter is mostly pure fog - and still justification for her decision to cheat. Store it for future reference and move on - and when I say 'move on' I mean keep doing your plan A (Carrot & Stick) - be understanding, grow as a person, and maintain the '180.' Keep working to end the affair.

Once it is over, the fog will begin to lift, and the justifications she is using to prove the necessity of her choices will begin to vanish. More troubles await that particular issue, but nothing you cannot handle - especially if right now you show yourself to be the person she really wants to be with.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

How did people get through this stuff before the internet?? Thank you all for continued replies


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

abc098 said:


> She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. *States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work.* I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that *if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career.* I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. States that her filing for divorce has nothing to do with him, but due to he feelings of not being treated well for all those years. ...


I would like to remind you of something, abc098. If any trouble occurs to him at work, it is because of his actions and choices--not because you spoke the truth. If he had been a conscientious employee, not used the company resources (like laptop, cellphone, or company time) to sexually pursue a co-worker, and kept to his work...you could have also spoken the truth and said that! But since he chose to use company time inefficiently, use their resources for other than business uses, and put the company at risk for sexual harassment--it is HIS CHOICES, not you speaking the truth, that would get him in trouble. 

Now your wife will no doubt do her best to blame you, scream and yell, huff and puff... but remind yourself of that, okay?

Regarding:


> ...I am not going to be like the affair care folk who tell you how to draw it out ad naseum.


 I'll just say that as a general rule we do indeed encourage people to give their marriage every possible opportunity, because there will be plenty of people who say things like "You deserve to be happy" or "Dump him/her and move on!" There's no shortage of that kind of advice to be had from friends and family alike! But there often IS a shortage of people encouraging folks to keep at, don't give up, honor your promise, do everything you can do so that even if it does end you can look yourself in the face. 

I don't think every marriage is able to be saved, but I do think a lot of people have forgotten what "forsaking all others" means or likewise how to encourage someone who made a mistake to do better and start doing the right thing. ABC's wife came to him and told him point blank what the issues were and at that time he chose to ignore her--now I bet you money he wishes he had woken up and listened! But he is where he is now, so my thought is to give every opportunity to save the marriage, and if that doesn't work out...save the person (him).


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If you have not notified your wifes family and close friends of the situation here is a sample template adapt it to your situation:



> Dear xxxx,
> 
> I would like to ask you to support yyyyy (your wifes name) and myself in restoring our marriage which currently is undergoing an extremely difficult time due to zzz(OM's Name) and yyyyy being involved in an adulterous affair which is affecting our marriage and both of our physical and mental health.
> 
> ...


You can use the above either as an email or on the social network sites.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have to believe before the internet poeple had others to lean on and books to read, but more interesting is the fact that with out the social networks hooking ex's and strangers up and/or getting emotional attached to someone you have never seen. Well then I would have to believe back then there was less cheating but more folk in unhappy marriages. 

I quess it's the good with the bad. We now have forums that help us cope with affais, and more of a.... avenue to find an affair.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Her close friends haven't helped at all. She just tells them she's been unhappy and they follow along. Same thing with her siblings and her closest cousin. There's a couple other she hasn't told but when I wanted to speak to them they didn't cause my wife didn't want them to so I suspect the same thing would happen once they know. So I think my greatest hope is her coworkers.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sounds like your wife is telling you about these people and that person, and what friends think. I would still send the letter, even to the ones you least suspect support from. You can be happily surprised by finding the ones who deep down, really care about the the both of you. Plus it will help you get much needed perspective from the ones that don't support you but do reply.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The letter serves a second purpose of raising a question in their minds - "is your wife telling them the truth or is she gaslighting you". Send the letter it tells all very clearly you are fighting for your marriage, most people do not support affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Divorce papers slid under my door today... guess it's time to find a lawyer


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You can change. Marriage problems are 50-50 each an affair is 100% her fault. 

Lawyer up and if the state allows charge her with adultery, subpoena OM to court, life gets messy for them as they know their names will be on record forever. Affair people are very afraid of adultery charges it clears their minds very quickly when they see the legal ramifications. 

If the state does not support a counter file charge her and OM with mental and emotional abuse. Key here is not to be afraid .

In the interim follow Plan A.. do you need a copy??


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I exposed yesterday to coworkers and friends..haven't gotten any angry emails/texts from wife so she must not have gotten the news yet.

Also about plan A, what carrots do I give at this point or I guess a couple weeks maybe when she's calmed down a bit from the exposure once she finds out...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Plan A



> The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
> 
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> ...


Key here is to stop love busting behaviours, use the 180 in combination with this. There is an emotional needs questionnaire on the Marriage Builders site if you hunt through their articles, fill out one as if you were your wife and then change those negative areas. 

I recommend you buy two books and read them

"his needs her needs" and "surviving and affair" by Dr Harley. 


Both have pointers to love busters and how to fill her love bank.

This is a long process so buckle down, look after your health, exercise, eat well, delay the divorce , every day that passes helps break the affair. 

Always assume the worse so you are not shocked if something adverse happens. 

Check the laws on your state, make sure your lawyer knows you are fighting for the marriage not a divorce , there is normally a 30 day response time, if you play your cards right she may have to refile.

Send a Pm to Affaircare ask if she can give you some guidance on the divorce processes of your state. .


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I guess I should be more specific about the carrots, since we are separated and have no reason to really meet or talk.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

abc098 said:


> Divorce papers slid under my door today... guess it's time to find a lawyer


ABC~

Do you realize that sliding the papers under your door does not constitute legal service? 

For the divorce to actually proceed, the court will need proof that your spouse served you with the petition. Proof of service is obtained in one of these ways:

*1. Acceptance of Service:* The paperwork is personally delivered by someone over the age of 18 (and not your child). You would need to sign and date the Acceptance of Service (also called sometimes the "Waiver of Service") paper to verify that the petition was actually received. 

*2. First Class Mail, with acknowledgement:* The petition can be mailed, along with an acknowledgment form that you would need to sign, date, and return. If it's not returned by the specified period, she would need to use another method of service. In other words, she could mail you the papers and a copy of the "Waiver of Service," with an envelope, and you return the Waiver to her.

*3. Certified mail, return receipt requested*: Serving divorce papers this way requires that you would sign that green, "return receipt" postcard attached to the envelope when you received the petition in the mail. This “return receipt” is then mailed back to her after it is signed, and would serve as proof of service.

*4. Personal Service by Sheriff or process server:* She would have to hire a Sheriff or professional process server to deliver the divorce petition to you. A proof of service form will be filled out by the person serving the petition, which will then be filed with the court. 

*5. By Publication:* When all other methods fail, the court will allow service to be made by publication. This means she would have to announce the divorce petition in a newspaper where you are likely to be living for a specified amount of time. She would need to return a copy of the newspaper notice, with a statement for how long the notice ran, to the court for proof of service. 

If you didn't sign any papers and she just slid a copy of papers under your door, she can not prove that you were served, so by the letter of the law you have not been served. In almost every state she has 30 days from the date she files to prove you've been served using one of those methods above, and if she doesn't then the divorce just drops and she would have to re-file. SOOOOO do not assume this divorce is going to happen. Check with a lawyer and see if you've been served!!

********
Now, regarding the "carrots" here's my thought:

In the course of your marriage, you stopped doing the things that kindled love in the first place, and you started doing things that extinguished the blaze of love. Very often when a couple goes to marriage counseling, the counselor suggests they start doing romantic things again and yet the couple feels like they're spinning their wheels and getting nowhere. The "romantic things" don't seem to make any difference. Know why? 

Let me give you an image. Imagine the love your wife had for you as a bucket. Every time you did a love extinguisher, you put a little hole in her bucket. Every time you did a love kindler, you poured water into her bucket! Well you extinguished, extinguished, extinguished....and there are holes all over her bucket! If you add kindlers now (those are the "carrots") all you'd do is pour water right through the bucket, it leaks out the holes, and it never builds back up...BECAUSE THE HOLES ARE STILL THERE. Before you start working on the romantic carrot things (aka "Doing loving things for her") you need to work on filling up those holes and stop adding new holes! 

Now, don't be mistaken. I don't mean "Do nothing that makes her mad or that she disagrees with." She is like a person on drugs, and if you really think of a drug addict's best interests, you'll get them off the drug cold turkey--and trust me, they WILL NOT like that and they WILL be mad!!!! No, filling up the holes means taking a look at yourself and recognizing the things you did that extinguished love, and then conscientiously changing those things. Often it's little things like always "going out with the guys" instead of choosing to come home to her...or working 80 hours a week thinking that money = love to her. Sometimes it's "not so little things" like being an attack dog, a fault-finder, or controlling. Before you can really start doing romantic things that would kindle love and fill the bucket, you have to stop up the holes--end the behaviors that put out her fire of love. Once you've done that...THEN you start in with the kindler "carrots" and start bringing that fire back to life. And when you're rebuilding a fire from an ember, do you drop a big old log on it? No! You add some straw or paper to let that catch a little...then a twig...then a branch...and when it's blazing, THEN you add the log!

Make sense?


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Affaircare:
Thanks for the getting served information.

As far as the carrots, I get where you're coming from...I'm just trying to think of ways to show her the actions when we are not living together and really have no reason to have contact with each other unless I initiate something...


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I got an email from his parents that they flew into town to talk to OM. I wanted to meet up with them however they never called/emailed me back. Wonder if it's true...

Got an email from OMs boss that he has referred my concerns to a higher boss...

Out of 60 coworkers only got a reply from 2 of them saying they're sorry of what's happening

Continue to wait and see i guess...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The message will spread people talk, either everyone knows or they will soon. Let the message spread on it's own. You said the mail came from his parents, perhaps they are to embarrassed to speak to you or he is deceiving them as well, it does not matter if your wife and him are ever seen together all will know you told the truth. You focus on bettering yourself, your wife may go into an avoidance strategy as she will be known as a cheat. When she does speak or see you show you best side, give this a week to sink in and reassess the situation. You may have to contact her if she does not call you, invite her out to dinner, do not react negatively of she declines, you are running a Plan A and you are courting your wife. The challenge is daunting you have to find those triggers that drew your wife to you the first time. 

Did you get a lawyer ? Challenge the papers do not roll over if she calls you be calm and keep to the script that you love her, that you can change and forgive her for the affair, you are fighting for your marriage.

Be strong and look after your physical and mental health.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have no doubt that the OM is talking to your wife, he will know his staff and co-workers will be looking at him. The aim is to make his affair with your wife so uncomfortable that he dumps her, it will be a good day if he 'throws her under the bus' to save his job, few affair men will sacrifice their jobs for an affair person. It looks bleak however before you had less than a chance to save your marriage now you have at least a fifty fifty chance of success.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Called a lawyer today. Told him my goal is to try and save marriage and want to delay divorce if I can. Also asking about suing OM for alienation of affection.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Just wanted to add something else...to me and my family it also doesn't make sense when now she is saying she's been unhappy for a really long time...my dad looked at a her phone records and in september she only texted/called me and her mom..a month later the other guy basically took over for me....the only thing that really changed was the affair...


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

She's told her parents she wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want any contact with me. I guess I'll just send her an email every few days and maybe she'll change her mind.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Keep on track, once the OM is completely out of the way things may get better. Please do assume the worst but be impeccable in your behaviours, you do not have children as a draw to ensure she engages with you, take your time gentle steps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

abc098 said:


> She's told her parents she wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want any contact with me. I guess I'll just send her an email every few days and maybe she'll change her mind.


No, you go silent. 

She'll be happy at first (because she'll expect for you to bug her to death) but after a while she will begin to worry. She'll eventually break and contact you to see what's up. Your best bet will be to not respond at first. She needs to feel the reality of you being completely out of her life to see if that's what she really wants. Sometimes this doesn't hit them until AFTER the divorce. That's why 80% of people that get a divorce while having an affair regret the decision (I don't have the link to the stat handy). 

Move forward as if it's over for good. If it can be saved she will have to contact you and convince you to take her back, not the other way around. Being nice to her will not get you anywhere, time for some tough love.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I even told her that 80 percent stat once..she obviously didn't care..oh the fog


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop, why in the h*ll would you want to send her a email every few days? 

Sorry for shouting,

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE, YOU ARE PUSHING HER FUTHER AWAY BY BEING TO AVAILABLE. SHE SEES YOU AS ALWAYS BEEING THERE WHEN EVER SHE NEEDS SOMETHING. 

Take your availablity away and she has a better chance of seeing what see maybe losing.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

she's really mad i sent an email to her work

she filed an injunction against me to not send any more emails (not that i was planning to)....

don't see how this marriage can be saved with this kind of anger against me....


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well did she GET a court-ordered injunction that you can not email her work email address....?
OR 
Did she motion the court to order an injunction? 

There's a difference. 

The one means that the court did look at some evidence and based on what it saw, it issued an order that you can not email her. 

The other is her asking the court to make an order but it's not ordered yet. AND if she motioned for an injunction, at some point you would have to receive the court-order and you'd have a chance to defend yourself (aka, present your side and your evidence).

Sooooo...of those two which one was it? Did you get notification of this "injunction", or a copy of it? OR (as I suspect) is she just saying fancy legal words to try to scare you?


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

She has motioned the court...I'm not really concerned about it

Just the whole situation is so upsetting...99.999 percent marriage is obviously over...but i guess keep trying to work a plan


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Abc get a lawyer now, you did not sign for the divorce papers and you do not react to threats from her legal team. Turn this around and get good legal council, first get the divorce papers nullified as you were not served correctly, thereafter counterfile for adultry , she has a lawyer who is intimidating you, get a better one and hold nothing back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I don't really see the point in counterfiling for adultery except to piss her off even further... I asked lawyer abt alienation of affection but would cost another 5000 dollars
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

So far she has slipped divorce papers under your door--so my guess is that she prepared them herself and did that to scare you....

...and she has motioned the court for an injunction, she says. For civil injunctions she must file a motion for a hearing before a judge, setting forth good reason why she believes an injunction should be issued by the court. The papers are served on the defendant and ultimately the court will review the motion and schedule a hearing on the matter in which the judge will rule on the motion. Have you seen this supposed "motion"? 

Finally, even if she DID file a motion for injunction, all you would need to do is file a petition with the court in which you must set forth the legal reason(s) why the injunction should be lifted--things like "I asked for a copy of her company email contents and you can see your honor I sent one email in X weeks. Here is a print out of that email. You can see there's no threat, no anger, nothing. I told her I was thinking of her. Thereafter it was another month before I wrote another and here is a print out of that one. It asked about a certain joint bill we had to deal with. As you can see there is no legal reason for this injunction and I ask that it be lifted."

I think it's all smoke, mirrors and threats myself so you leave her alone and let her carry on her affair with interference.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

ABC, Dude, In my opinion, Your marriage is deader than fried chicken. BUT, if you still want to try to "save", it, listen to Pete and Affaircare about the legal aspects of what has been happening. Sometimes I disagree with them, but they have a great fund of knowledge about divorce issues............ First, did you , in any recordable way, admit to her that you recieved the divorce papers? If she can prove that you got them, you have a far weaker case. If you've told nobody (but your lawyer) then you can ignore them. Just say that you saw some trash on the floor and without looking at it, threw it away. If she is going to serve you papers, she is going to have to do it in a legally verifiable way. Second, at this point, you've nothing to lose, so out her and OM to every person you know, including ALL of his bosses and co-workers. Make it tough on them to conduct the affair. If it becomes too hard or embarrassing, then a lot of the "fun", will be taken out of it, and maybe some of the fog will lift. Third, if and when you DO talk to her, tell her NOTHING concerning divorce-related items, only talk to her about reconciliation, and be honest and truly try to communicate with her. Carrot and stick......publically, you make it hot for them, privately, you show your loving, reasonable, affectionate side.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I agree that it's deader that fried chicken but it doesn't hurt to try except that it'll take me a bit longer to move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

abc098 said:


> I agree that it's deader that fried chicken but it doesn't hurt to try except that it'll take me a bit longer to move on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her parents are going to suggest she get counseling because they believe she has changed mentally. Any thoughts on individual counseling helping to stop an affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

abc098 said:


> I agree that it's deader that fried chicken but it doesn't hurt to try except that it'll take me a bit longer to move on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You have nothing to lose, so why not pull out all the stops? Good luck, I hope things work out.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Haven't posted in awhile...my wife still continues to be extremely angry about exposure...i finally spoke to her on the phone after almost 6 weeks of no contact...does not want to meet up for coffee or anything...she is cleaning up loose ends such as closing our joint bank account etc...lawyer is dragging divorce per my request...affair continues although she says repeatedly it has nothing to do with the divorce which i'm assuming is fog babble (although we did have problems before all this which i'm working on)...anyway any suggestions of how to proceed..thanks


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

abc098 said:


> She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. States that her filing for divorce has nothing to do with him, but due to he feelings of not being treated well for all those years. Then I said I want to make his life a living hell, and will do whatever I can to ruin his life. Granted my feelings change daily if not hourly, but at this point I dont know if what I'm doing is right or even worth it at this point.


You seem to be acting a bit like a bully right now. I don't think that will get you the desired results. Doing what you can to ruin his life will not bring your wife back to you, quite the opposite I would guess, and will likely make you look like a crack pot. This is not about the om, it's about what she believes was missing in the marriage. If it was not him it would have been someone else.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

I wrote that post about two months ago...so that's old news...


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

She also states she doesn't want to take the chance that we will have a bad argument ever again...i've told her we won't but she doesn't trust me she says...she actually doesn't have a reason not to trust me because i have literally never lied to her in our relationship but she keeps saying the affair has nothing to do with it and it's because of all the stuff i did and she never wants to take a chance it will happen again.

I've told her she will have arguments with any relationship but she doesn't listen..

Any suggestions?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who made the contact, did you call her. If so ....it sound like you will need to contact her in another six week.

If she was the one that made contact then let her know that what ever she wants to discuss she will need to to it in person.

Other then that, you know you can't control what she will or will not listen to. So why both speaking to her at all...thats why we hire lawyers.

So in the mean time if you called her then stop and just wait and see. She my call you the next time, and if she does then this may give you that oppertunity to call for an in person meeting.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

so anything new?


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

i made the point to trying to educate her about the "fog" that didn't go over so well

Also she keeps saying she doesnt trust me to stop arguing with her that I used to even though I say I won't (i have never lied to her during our relationship) and I promised...

Then I told her I really don't trust her because all the times she lied about the affair

And then she said I'm the liar because i got a private investigator and snooped in our phone records (i know doesn't make sense)

Now she refuses to talk to me again...I can't bring anything up without her getting angry...and she doesn't want to "small talk" , only wants to talk about divorce related stuff...

Running out of ideas...


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

Dude just let her go! SHE doesn't want anything with you anymore. You should expose the jackass, she's mad at you anyway, right?


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

i'm moving across the country in three months anyway so that's my end date...i figure might as well try until then...i'm not a quitter

just need to get her out of the "fog"...at least don't give me BS reasons for leaving me...just tell me it's cause of him..but i'm still gonna try to get her back

the affair has been exposed as thoroughly as i can think of exposing it


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

wow six months since my last post...so we are going through the divorce proceedings..i'm doing well...basically in a plan B with her (which she initiated, not the way it's supposed to happen)...anyway I happened to chat with one of her cousins on FB last weekend and then he asks me how WW is doing...i was shocked and quickly realized he had no idea what was going on with us..i told him..well looks like he talked to her parents today because she sent me an email for the first time in six months..is it bad that her response made me chuckle:

"You have no right telling my family about these issues ... It is up to my parents when they are ready to tell people ... Nor urs ... U haven't changed at all ... U have to make urself look like the better person ... How would u feel if I told everyone of ur family all the crap uve done ... U are so unbelievable ... U make urself loom the the only one hurt in this ... U need to realize just how vengeful and hurtful u really are .... And don't give me excuses about going with advice from others ... U chose the advice u wanted ... So it's u who made all thE wrong decisions ... And that is what showed the type of person u really are ... And that is why I will never be with u again bc I've seen exactly the kind of person u are .... Manipulative ... Vengeful ... Spiteful ... Will hurt others at any cost to prove
What u want even if u are wrong .... So don't ever speak to my family about this ... U have no right"


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You can talk about it to anybody you want -- as long as it's the truth which you have evidence to back up.

tell the world. post it on cheaterville? or, tell no one. it's up to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

aug said:


> You can talk about it to anybody you want -- as long as it's the truth which you have evidence to back up.
> 
> tell the world. post it on cheaterville? or, tell no one. it's up to you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

If you post him on cheaterville his cheating will come up anytime his name is googled.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

haha....what do you think about a response to that? I was thinking of sending her the below:

I'm sorry you feel this way. If you have any suggestions to resolve the issues and finalize the divorce quickly I will try to keep an open mind. Let me be clear once again, I have NO desire to be with someone who is cheating on their husband, lies for months about it and still takes no personal responsibility for it. Like I told your cousin, I am divorcing you because of your adultery. As far as telling my family, you are more than welcome to talk to them, I will even give you their phone numbers if you want. I am trying to be honest and live a life of integrity, that's all. I believe I told your cousin the truth, but he will let me know when I speak to him again. I decided that for myself as long as I'll be able to tell my kids the entirety of my life and not be ashamed then I am living a good life. I can tell them mistakes were made and I have tried my best to learn from them. I am responsible for my actions as you are yours. I guess you have to decide for yourself how you want to navigate this journey we call life, and if you are proud to be an adulteress than that's your call.

Below for your reading pleasure I have copied three different marriage and infidelity experts and their response to this email

Rick Reynolds/Tony Fetchel (both of whom had affairs): It's very normal for a spouse to have reasons and issues to hold over another spouses head. We call that justification of their affair, or rewriting the past to excuse their behavior.

Anne Bercht (husband had affair) : we believe the martial issues need to separated from the infidelity. Your marriage was not perfect, there is not such thing as a perfect marriage. In a marriage we have two imperfect people trying to do life. There will always be failures, hurts, misunderstandings, etc... It is not uncommon for the unfaithful to change the martial history, find fault with their spouse and the marriage to justify the behavior they are or have been involved with.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I might edit a little to leave less opening for counterattack:


I'm sorry you feel this way. If you have any suggestions to resolve the issues and finalize the divorce quickly I will try to keep an open mind. Let me be clear once again, I have NO desire to be with someone who cheated on her husband, lied for months about it and still takes no personal responsibility for it. Like I told your cousin, I am divorcing you because of your adultery. As far as telling my family, you are more than welcome to talk to them, I will even give you their phone numbers if you want. I believe I told your cousin the truth, but he will let me know when I speak to him again. I decided that for myself as long as I'll be able to tell my kids the entirety of my life and not be ashamed then I am living a good life. I can tell them mistakes were made and I have tried my best to learn from them. I guess you have to decide for yourself how you want to navigate this journey we call life, and if you are proud to be an adulteress than that's your call.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Her response clearly shows that her family has probably been hurt by her actions and now she is trying to lay the blame on you for it. She is definitely so full of conceit if she believes that you will be swayed by her comments. You may want to consider sending her the following:

*"Just like I have reaped what I have sown, so have you"*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't reply to her at all. She's dilusional.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you bother to reply ? That is giving her power. She was the cheating spouse. That was her choice. Did she feel the need to get your ok ? Nope! Tell the world if you want, her opion on you speaking the truth doesn't matter. Bottom line: she cheated, your getting divorced, yet she thinks you should help by hiding her cheating?

Personally I would be telling anyone who would listen the truth. It's pretty obvious that she has been spending time telling everyone stories about his awful you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Once they're an ex, it no longer matters what they think and they no longer control who you speak to. Just stick to the truth and you're good.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Reply to her calmy one more time then move on with the proceedings, she is selfish and self serving therefore your marriage with her probably wouldn't work. I honestly felt this marriage wasn't worth saving months ago simply because she does not seem to see things from your persepctive, she ought to at least take her responsibilty for her role in the demise of this marriage and her messed up choices but she does not. No need to continue, be a better person speak your mind in a calm and coincise manner then move on to the rest of your life and future (post the OM on cheaterville lol) eventually she will get hers. They always do.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you for all your responses. Took time but I believe I'm ready to move. I'm going depose her so I can laugh at all of this 20 years from and then finalize the divorce.


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## abc098 (Jan 11, 2011)

Just going through old websites I had bookmarked and came on this one. I'm assuming no one that posted previously on this thread is still active. Just reading this brings back some of the old (bad) memories. The divorce finalized 1/2012, so more than two years ago. I am doing good, have a long term girlfriend. Although sometimes I do think about her and the failure of my marriage. I still feel guilty of my side of things. I was not a great husband by any means and luckily have learned a lot. Lots of regrets still, hindsight is 20/20 as they say, hopefully one day won't have those regrets anymore. She will be getting married to the same guy in a couple months (found out through a friend who is friends with her friends). For some reason I want to call her and ask her how she's doing etc, but the last email (which I posted on here and didn't even remember) she sent me was as scathing as it gets, so will hold off on those thoughts about connecting with her. Still surprises me how this event 3 years later can still affect me so much.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Is good to know that you are doing fine in your live, the important here as you said, is that you realize your previous faults to avoid them in this new relationship, I wish you well, and regarding your ex well, is up to you, but I think the best is not coantacting her at this point.

good luck man


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

She's marrying the guy she cheated with. Guess what's going to happen when either one of them stay out late at night or don't answer their phones when called...yep suspicions. 

Go live your life pal. Their life is based on deception and lies, they may live happily ever after but they will always have issues. You walked away with your head held high.

Don't contact her. Not your problem anymore. Be faithful to your girl and show her the respect your ex never showed you.


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