# I am at a complete loss with Step Daughter



## liifeiisabeach

My 14 year old step daughter has been living with us for 2 years now. She came to live with us when her mom moved to a neighboring state, and figured it would be easier to get established without a kid to worry about. I have been in her life since she was 10. Her dad and I have been married for over 2 years, we have a 2 1/2 year old boy and I'm pregnant with a little girl due in March. 

She is your typical teenager full of attitude, but our biggest issue is her failing grades. She is a Freshmen in high school and she is failing 4 out of 8 classes. When we ask her what the issue is she says there isn't one. She says she doesn't talk in class and gets all of her work done. When we talk with the teachers it's a different story. They are all telling us that she is more concerned with talking and socializing in class than doing her work. She has a lot of missing assignments and failed tests. We have tried everything from positive reinforcement, visual rewards, grounding, taking things away. I don't know where we go from here. This is her future she's messing with, and I know that she can't do it for anyone but herself. We don't expect a 4.0 average, just not failing. 

Her mom is absolutely no help. She doesn't agree with raising a child. She would rather us just let SD do whatever she wants whenever she wants. We gave her chores to do, her mom called my husband saying "My daughter won't be anyone's n****r" NO JOKE. Her mom is about 10+ years older than me, and acts like a child herself.

While SD was with her mom over the summer she was always dumped on my SIL instead of spending time with her mom. Her mom would rather spend time with her boyfriend. She would have sex with her boyfriend while SD could hear and her response was " I don't care".

Not only do we have to deal with a teenage girl, we get to try and handle a teenage girl who feels abandoned by her mom. 
Any thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated. This is causing a lot of stress on me and my marriage.


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## JustTired

Have you considered counseling for your step daughter? Or family counseling?


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## EleGirl

I lived this with my two step children.

You need to get family counseling that also provides individual counseling for your step daughter. We found a place that had a sliding scale fee. (All Faith's Receiving Home). While I think they are only local to New Mexico, you might be able to find a place like them near where you live.

From experience, with her mother interfering, your step-daughter is going to make your life miserable. If she will not start becoming a real part of your family, you might need to let her go live with her mother. I'm serious about this.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Emotionally abandoned, then physically by being 'dumped' on you and the father - who mom may've told abandoned her in the first place,, or she feels that way.

I went from straight A student to nightmare teen. Different circumstances,, but probably some similarities.

Children want recognition and approval from parents. Frequently, they don't get it from busy parents when they're being good. Like "Oh. Just another A." Throw a D in there and suddenly they get a whole day or more of attention as the 'busy' parents suddenly find time to contact schools and shrinks about their 'problem child'.

Negative attention is better than none at all and if it's much easier to get, "Hey. I can do that!"

Caught up in there will be the lack of firm boundaries set by the immature mother, and the girl's desire to punish one or both parents for her sufferings - real or perceived.

I doubt the girl can tell you why she's the way she is - it took me years to figure out how it all went tragically wrong - but fighting parents won't help,, especially if she's what they fight over.

All you can do is try to give her positive attention for any good stuff that she does. If she's intent on causing mayhem, you may be playing into her hands if you get sucked into the drama of it.

Remember,, if you're taking an afternoon out to fret over a D,, you can afford the same time to reward her for an A.

Mom and dad need to work on better boundaries. You can set yours for your home. Do that,, and be positive to her when she sticks to the rules. She'll be negative if that's the only thing that gets her noticed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Emotionally abandoned, then physically by being 'dumped' on you and the father - who mom may've told abandoned her in the first place,, or she feels that way.
> 
> I went from straight A student to nightmare teen. Different circumstances,, but probably some similarities.
> 
> Children want recognition and approval from parents. Frequently, they don't get it from busy parents when they're being good. Like "Oh. Just another A." Throw a D in there and suddenly they get a whole day or more of attention as the 'busy' parents suddenly find time to contact schools and shrinks about their 'problem child'.
> 
> Negative attention is better than none at all and if it's much easier to get, "Hey. I can do that!"
> 
> Caught up in there will be the lack of firm boundaries set by the immature mother, and the girl's desire to punish one or both parents for her sufferings - real or perceived.
> 
> I doubt the girl can tell you why she's the way she is - it took me years to figure out how it all went tragically wrong - but fighting parents won't help,, especially if she's what they fight over.
> 
> All you can do is try to give her positive attention for any good stuff that she does. If she's intent on causing mayhem, you may be playing into her hands if you get sucked into the drama of it.
> 
> Remember,, if you're taking an afternoon out to fret over a D,, you can afford the same time to reward her for an A.
> 
> Mom and dad need to work on better boundaries. You can set yours for your home. Do that,, and be positive to her when she sticks to the rules. She'll be negative if that's the only thing that gets her noticed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree with your post.

However, from my experience, some teens in her position will not let positive attention through. They react like the positive attention is like water bring up in a hot frying pan.

Some put up barriers that make it very hard to reach them and reject every attempt. 

I've been through this as the step parent. Now that my step daughter is 25 we have talked about what she was like from age 10 to about age 22. She knows that this is what she was doing. Now she can talk about it. And thank goodness she has finally started to let the good in and has released her anger.

You know what? As hard as those years were on everyone. I don't blame her. It's awful for a child to be put in such a position. It's a form of abuse.


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## liifeiisabeach

We know she would much rather go live with her mom, but her mom doesn't want her to live there.



EleGirl said:


> I lived this with my two step children.
> 
> You need to get family counseling that also provides individual counseling for your step daughter. We found a place that had a sliding scale fee. (All Faith's Receiving Home). While I think they are only local to New Mexico, you might be able to find a place like them near where you live.
> 
> From experience, with her mother interfering, your step-daughter is going to make your life miserable. If she will not start becoming a real part of your family, you might need to let her go live with her mother. I'm serious about this.


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## liifeiisabeach

Her dad was always there for her on the weekends, that was their custody agreement. He lived in his car to be able to stay by her side even when he couldn't afford a place to live.

She get's recognition and approval when it's warranted. When she pulled a B in biology I took her to get her nails done. However, most of the reward is coming from me and not her dad. Not sure if that makes a difference. And it's not like she went from being a straight A student to failing. While she was living with her mom she got an F in every single class in 6th grade. We pulled her from school in the middle of 8th grade due to bullying and she was in online school, she passed that with all Cs, and 2 months early. We know she's capable of doing the work, but she's given up on herself. If she tries for a week and doesn't see immediate improvement she just stops trying. 

It's also really frustrating when we don't get the truth from her. She lies about everything. Even silly things. 



Flying_Dutchman said:


> Emotionally abandoned, then physically by being 'dumped' on you and the father - who mom may've told abandoned her in the first place,, or she feels that way.
> 
> I went from straight A student to nightmare teen. Different circumstances,, but probably some similarities.
> 
> Children want recognition and approval from parents. Frequently, they don't get it from busy parents when they're being good. Like "Oh. Just another A." Throw a D in there and suddenly they get a whole day or more of attention as the 'busy' parents suddenly find time to contact schools and shrinks about their 'problem child'.
> 
> Negative attention is better than none at all and if it's much easier to get, "Hey. I can do that!"
> 
> Caught up in there will be the lack of firm boundaries set by the immature mother, and the girl's desire to punish one or both parents for her sufferings - real or perceived.
> 
> I doubt the girl can tell you why she's the way she is - it took me years to figure out how it all went tragically wrong - but fighting parents won't help,, especially if she's what they fight over.
> 
> All you can do is try to give her positive attention for any good stuff that she does. If she's intent on causing mayhem, you may be playing into her hands if you get sucked into the drama of it.
> 
> Remember,, if you're taking an afternoon out to fret over a D,, you can afford the same time to reward her for an A.
> 
> Mom and dad need to work on better boundaries. You can set yours for your home. Do that,, and be positive to her when she sticks to the rules. She'll be negative if that's the only thing that gets her noticed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## liifeiisabeach

I can only imagine how hard this is on her, but I'm trying to make sure she has a good future. Neither her mom or dad graduated High School. Her life would be so much better if she stopped fighting everything and everyone, she just doesn't see it. 



EleGirl said:


> I completely agree with your post.
> 
> However, from my experience, some teens in her position will not let positive attention through. They react like the positive attention is like water bring up in a hot frying pan.
> 
> Some put up barriers that make it very hard to reach them and reject every attempt.
> 
> I've been through this as the step parent. Now that my step daughter is 25 we have talked about what she was like from age 10 to about age 22. She knows that this is what she was doing. Now she can talk about it. And thank goodness she has finally started to let the good in and has released her anger.
> 
> You know what? As hard as those years were on everyone. I don't blame her. It's awful for a child to be put in such a position. It's a form of abuse.


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## Flying_Dutchman

EleGirl said:


> I completely agree with your post.
> 
> However, from my experience, some teens in her position will not let positive attention through. They react like the positive attention is like water bring up in a hot frying pan.
> 
> Some put up barriers that make it very hard to reach them and reject every attempt.
> 
> I've been through this as the step parent. Now that my step daughter is 25 we have talked about what she was like from age 10 to about age 22. She knows that this is what she was doing. Now she can talk about it. And thank goodness she has finally started to let the good in and has released her anger.
> 
> You know what? As hard as those years were on everyone. I don't blame her. It's awful for a child to be put in such a position. It's a form of abuse.


I've said to people here and elsewhere, don't minimise or let anyone else minimise your abuse. It doesn't have to be wilful. My own parents were well-meaning and (kinda) fine when everything was going well. Anything bad and they always knew best, my opinions all but ignored. They weren't bad,, they were just,,, clueless. If parents can't see or understand the problem,, what hope the child? In the space of a year, a weekly row becomes a 24/7 war zone, with neither side understanding how it started or what to do about it. 

Maybe not abuse, but certainly a destructive environment that can affect a child every bit as much as visits from Uncle Pervy.

I know what your SD means about the anger - I can feel and remember the RAGE 35 years on. Now, I can draw on it for motivation and apply it appropriately. Then, I just used it to make their lives as miserable as mine was.



liifeiisabeach said:


> When she pulled a B in biology I took her to get her nails done. However, most of the reward is coming from me and not her dad. Not sure if that makes a difference.


I'm not sure you'll get any instant result from it, but that's exactly the kind of thing that can make a huge difference.

Again, your situation is different. You share a home with one of the people she's (probably) mad at so you'll be guilty by association. But, you can be a port in a storm and she might realise you aren't the enemy.

Before I left home, shortly after I was legally able, I'd spend as much time as possible at my friends homes. One in particular. It was a relief to be out of my own home - prosecuting a war is hard work - like a weight lifted.

I had no need or desire to bring my drama with me. Less, when my friend's parents would talk to me like a person rather than a nuisance. I'd talk to them more in a week than I did to my own parents in months. There is no price you can put on the value of that. Inclusion instead of rejection. I wasn't an angel,, but I was just a regular kid round there. Back home it'd be game on.

Unlike my friend's parents, you're in the eye of the storm. She'll likely test you to see who's side you're on. That won't be easy but, if you can distance yourself from any fights with her dad and make yourself available, just by being aware you could be the key to any salvation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

1. Never talk with or conference with the teacher unless the student is present.

2. No cell phone use until all grades are up to a C. Put some teeth into the threats.

3. No going out on weekends if there are missing assignments. Email teachers and CC the step daughter on Thursday to check for any missing assignments.

4. She can have friends over for a few hours to watch a movie, but only under you and your H's supervision.


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## liifeiisabeach

Flying_Dutchman said:


> I've said to people here and elsewhere, don't minimise or let anyone else minimise your abuse. It doesn't have to be wilful. My own parents were well-meaning and (kinda) fine when everything was going well. Anything bad and they always knew best, my opinions all but ignored. They weren't bad,, they were just,,, clueless. If parents can't see or understand the problem,, what hope the child? In the space of a year, a weekly row becomes a 24/7 war zone, with neither side understanding how it started or what to do about it.


To be honest, I try and sit down and talk to her human to human to see what's going on inside her mind. Trying to get even the smallest glimpse to what she's seeing or feeling. She's not very easy to talk to. She's learned that if she tells you what you want to hear, then you'll leave her alone. One time she did open up and said to me "If my own mom gave up on me, then what's the point? I've tried to tell her to screw everyone else. Do this for yourself, but at 14 it's hard to grasp that concept. I have told her that I'm not going anywhere and I am not giving up on her. 



Flying_Dutchman said:


> Maybe not abuse, but certainly a destructive environment that can affect a child every bit as much as visits from Uncle Pervy.


Can I ask why you think her environment is destructive?


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## MysticTeenager

She obviously is angry at her mum, at her dad and maybe even at you. She is also a typical, hormonal teeanger who will do anything to make your life miserable. Do not crack next to her, she will just get worse. 

It would be best to get her some councelling to deal with everything. The councellor would also tell you how to deal with her. 

I would suggest the harsh approach. No cell phone, not laptop, no going out, and no seeing friends after school until her grades get better or the teachers see an improvement. Maybe you could talk to the teacher about the homework she gets and then supervise her at home and makes sure she gets it done. She will act even more miserable for a while and try and make you feel sorry for her. Do not crack. She will eventually figure it out herself. If she does improve, slowly give back the things she enjots doing and maybe a reward too. Maybe from her dad would be better. 

I wish you could cut ties with her mother who is clearly a very bad influence on her and she will always feel bullied or abused by chores and stuff because her mum has her back, which is ridiculous. 

If you could, snoop around, try and see if she is up to no good, drugs, smoking, sex...etc. All these could effect her like this. This isnt invasion of her privacy. She is a child and you are her parent and you need to know what is going on. If she wont talk to you or her dad then you need to find out for yourself.


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## Flying_Dutchman

liifeiisabeach said:


> Can I ask why you think her environment is destructive?


I wasn't referring specifically to the environment she's in now. I was describing how myself and other kids become 'problem teens' due to well-meaning but misguided parenting.

You're dealing with the aftermath of something that's already been done. Hard to say what, but telling you that her mom has given up on her is revealing,, and indicative of what I've previously described.

If her mother doesn't listen to her, gives up on her, she'll feel rejected and worthless. That HURTS. She's not about to trust you right away and risk more hurt. Rightly or wrongly, she's at a stage where she'll manage her own pain and control it as best she can. If she gives you nothing to hurt her with you can't hurt her. She knows what kind of grief she gets from bad reports - been there and done it. Trusting somebody and being let down by them (again) is much worse.

That's a tough wall for you to break down but, you've taken her out and you've got one sentence about her mom. That's progress.

What you have to be careful not to do is take anything she tell you to her parents who then decide on the basis of it to take some punitive action or just tackle her about it. She'd feel betrayed and you'll go top of her hate list.

It's a difficult position to be in. If she feels the same way about her dad you're the only person she might talk to. When she does, you need to make sure there aren't negative consequences for her. If that happens, your opportunity to get through to her will be gone.

You and hubby need to be certain of your strategy,, then hope the ex's influence doesn't mess it up.

I can't give you a detailed strategy, cuz I don't know how she got to her current mindset. I only know that it'll be a slow and difficult process to unlock it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz

MysticTeenager said:


> She obviously is angry at her mum, at her dad and maybe even at you. She is also a typical, hormonal teeanger who will do anything to make your life miserable. Do not crack next to her, she will just get worse.
> 
> It would be best to get her some councelling to deal with everything. The councellor would also tell you how to deal with her.
> 
> I would suggest the harsh approach. No cell phone, not laptop, no going out, and no seeing friends after school until her grades get better or the teachers see an improvement. Maybe you could talk to the teacher about the homework she gets and then supervise her at home and makes sure she gets it done. She will act even more miserable for a while and try and make you feel sorry for her. Do not crack. She will eventually figure it out herself. If she does improve, slowly give back the things she enjots doing and maybe a reward too. Maybe from her dad would be better.
> 
> I wish you could cut ties with her mother who is clearly a very bad influence on her and she will always feel bullied or abused by chores and stuff because her mum has her back, which is ridiculous.
> 
> If you could, snoop around, try and see if she is up to no good, drugs, smoking, sex...etc. All these could effect her like this. This isnt invasion of her privacy. She is a child and you are her parent and you need to know what is going on. If she wont talk to you or her dad then you need to find out for yourself.


the problem with a completely harsh aproach with girls is that they take it out on themselves.

I have a 14-year-old stepdaughter who has had some really harsh treatments. 

She started cutting herself in response.

Bad grades, acting out, lots of crap.

At this point she is on meds, has a psychiatrist and a counselor.

The way to treat a troubled teen is with positive and negative reinforcements, someone clinically depressed or with PTSD, harshness only makes it worse.


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## turnera

Anon Pink said:


> 1. Never talk with or conference with the teacher unless the student is present.
> 
> 2. No cell phone use until all grades are up to a C. Put some teeth into the threats.
> 
> 3. No going out on weekends if there are missing assignments. Email teachers and CC the step daughter on Thursday to check for any missing assignments.
> 
> 4. She can have friends over for a few hours to watch a movie, but only under you and your H's supervision.


This. Everything outside food and shelter and SOME clothing is a bonus and if they are not living up their end of the bargain (stay in school and pass), the rest of it is gone. When she gripes, let her know this is what she has to look forward to if she drops out of school - no money to buy ANYthing, and probably not even food.

Keep the emotion out of it. She has a job. She has to earn the perks. This isn't about you being mean or mad or anything like that. It's your logical attempt to help her help herself. It's not being harsh.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Conferences with teachers that INCLUDE the student are a great idea. Wish I'd been included,, it would've saved their misguided plots backfiring to everbody's detriment.

Punishments are another thing altogether. They're a great fix for a short-term behaviour issue, but this one is ingrained. I'm guessing some punishments have been tried already. Don't see any improvement from them.

From her own mouth, she has 'lost' her mother. The loss of some 'privilege' is incomparable and will likely just affirm to her that she's EXCLUDED from all decisions pertaining to her welfare.

It might work. It might cause her to 'punish' right back with worse behaviour.

Anything that includes her is good. I'd be very reluctant to inflict non-negotiated punishments on a child that's already entrenched in a bad place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

liifeiisabeach said:


> Her dad was always there for her on the weekends, that was their custody agreement. He lived in his car to be able to stay by her side even when he couldn't afford a place to live.
> 
> She get's recognition and approval when it's warranted. When she pulled a B in biology I took her to get her nails done. *However, most of the reward is coming from me and not her dad. Not sure if that makes a difference. *And it's not like she went from being a straight A student to failing. While she was living with her mom she got an F in every single class in 6th grade. We pulled her from school in the middle of 8th grade due to bullying and she was in online school, she passed that with all Cs, and 2 months early. We know she's capable of doing the work, but she's given up on herself. If she tries for a week and doesn't see immediate improvement she just stops trying.
> 
> It's also really frustrating when we don't get the truth from her. She lies about everything. Even silly things.


The fact that most reward comes from you make a HUGE difference.

Your SD has been basically rejected by her mother. Her father is apparently not showing her the kind of attention she needs and craves.

My SD was in the same situation. Her mother walked out on the kids when SD was 8. Her father and I married when she was 10. They moved from MD to NM to live with me. 

She had surodic contact with her mother, a some visits. The visits were only be I paid for them. Her mother and father would not put out a penny to make this happen.

Her father, my then husband, lost his job as withdrew not long after we married. 

So my SD got near zero attention from either of her parents.

Like you, I was the one doing most of the positive rewards. And I was the one doing most of everything for her. 

But that was not what she wanted. She wanted attention from her REAL parents.

So she got more and more angry. She acted out more and more. Once in a while her father would stop playing video games to chew her out. Your mother ignored her.. called about every 6 months.. except when she would get manic. then her mother would call a lot for a week to two and tell her daughter that I'm a b!tch who she did not need to listen to, and on and on.. you get the drift.

Your SD needs her father now more than ever. HE should be the one doing 99% of the parenting of her, giving there positive feedback, etc. You have been put in a very bad position. 

Like me, you are trying to do everything you can. But that's not what your SD needs. She needs her dad and her mother.


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## LongWalk

Sometimes kids go wrong and there is little that can be done.

Anger and punishment may not help. Cutting privileges may be necessary but do it calmly.

Meeting her teachers and knowing what she has study may help.

A tutor whom she likes may be able to reach her.


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## turnera

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Conferences with teachers that INCLUDE the student are a great idea. Wish I'd been included,, it would've saved their misguided plots backfiring to everbody's detriment.
> 
> Punishments are another thing altogether. They're a great fix for a short-term behaviour issue, but this one is ingrained. I'm guessing some punishments have been tried already. Don't see any improvement from them.
> 
> From her own mouth, she has 'lost' her mother. The loss of some 'privilege' is incomparable and will likely just affirm to her that she's EXCLUDED from all decisions pertaining to her welfare.


I agree, including her is paramount. However, I don't view taking her down to bare bones as punishment. It is a logical progression of HER choices. And she's old enough to understand that. By explaining it logically - that you are expecting her to keep up her end of the bargain of being a kid in school. And that, if she for whatever reason - and make it clear you're willing to get her to whatever type of help she feels necessary to enable that - she chooses not to, then you're going to remove the distractions from her life that keep her from focusing on her ONE JOB - graduating from high school.

And then you continue to sit down with her and ask her what she sees her future as. For this week, this month, this school year...ask her to talk it out with you so you can understand where she's coming from. Help her see any fallacies in her thought process. I know mine had a lot of misconceptions at that age. Help her work out how to achieve her goals. Work small. Like, if she wants to go to the mall on Saturday, make a deal - get an 80 or above on your science test Friday, and you can go. It's your choice if you want to work and study for that test. Equally your choice if you don't, and don't get to go with your friends. Stuff like that.

And for God's sake, get her father involved! These talks should be coming from him!


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## liifeiisabeach

turnera said:


> I agree, including her is paramount. However, I don't view taking her down to bare bones as punishment. It is a logical progression of HER choices. And she's old enough to understand that. By explaining it logically - that you are expecting her to keep up her end of the bargain of being a kid in school. And that, if she for whatever reason - and make it clear you're willing to get her to whatever type of help she feels necessary to enable that - she chooses not to, then you're going to remove the distractions from her life that keep her from focusing on her ONE JOB - graduating from high school.


We have taken away her Kindle which she used solely for social media, TV, and going out with friends. We have her sit at the kitchen table to do her homework. 



turnera said:


> And then you continue to sit down with her and ask her what she sees her future as. For this week, this month, this school year...ask her to talk it out with you so you can understand where she's coming from. Help her see any fallacies in her thought process. I know mine had a lot of misconceptions at that age. Help her work out how to achieve her goals. Work small. Like, if she wants to go to the mall on Saturday, make a deal - get an 80 or above on your science test Friday, and you can go. It's your choice if you want to work and study for that test. Equally your choice if you don't, and don't get to go with your friends. Stuff like that.
> 
> And for God's sake, get her father involved! These talks should be coming from him!


Her dad is involved with these talks. He's the one that does the punishing. I was merely stating that when there's rewards, they usually come from me. But, I am a girl and understand things that she likes and I'm able to do them with her. When they spend time together they go off-roading or to the movies, etc.


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## Flying_Dutchman

I agree with the punishment/reward process if it's done by mutual understanding and for specific goals/events.

When it's bad is when random deprivations are inflicted for hazy reasons.

I'd like the father to be more involved. Hard to tell if communications have already broken down though. You'd think she'd be happy there if it were just a bad mom.

Where are all the school counsellors they have these days? My generation didn't have them. Similarly, sending me to a shrink would've shamed my parents. Nowadays you can send kids there and nobody thinks you have a loony in the family.

I'm concerned that the OP et al seem to be lacking help from the professionals. Professionals who always seem to be nearby to suspend kids for drawing pics of guns or boobs.

Hard to tell where this kid is at,, but there are similarities to me and if the OP/family/school get it wrong she could, like I did, get a LOT worse before she gets better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## liifeiisabeach

EleGirl said:


> The fact that most reward comes from you make a HUGE difference.
> 
> Your SD has been basically rejected by her mother. Her father is apparently not showing her the kind of attention she needs and craves.
> 
> My SD was in the same situation. Her mother walked out on the kids when SD was 8. Her father and I married when she was 10. They moved from MD to NM to live with me.
> 
> She had surodic contact with her mother, a some visits. The visits were only be I paid for them. Her mother and father would not put out a penny to make this happen.
> 
> Her father, my then husband, lost his job as withdrew not long after we married.
> 
> So my SD got near zero attention from either of her parents.
> 
> Like you, I was the one doing most of the positive rewards. And I was the one doing most of everything for her.
> 
> But that was not what she wanted. She wanted attention from her REAL parents.
> 
> So she got more and more angry. She acted out more and more. Once in a while her father would stop playing video games to chew her out. Your mother ignored her.. called about every 6 months.. except when she would get manic. then her mother would call a lot for a week to two and tell her daughter that I'm a b!tch who she did not need to listen to, and on and on.. you get the drift.
> 
> Your SD needs her father now more than ever. HE should be the one doing 99% of the parenting of her, giving there positive feedback, etc. You have been put in a very bad position.
> 
> Like me, you are trying to do everything you can. But that's not what your SD needs. She needs her dad and her mother.


You hit the nail on the head. Her mom will text her when she has time to, and the only time there's a phone call is when SD makes that call, and even then it's about a 5 minute conversation. We just found out that she will be coming to get her for Christmas, so at least she's making that effort. 
I really feel bad for my SD, I can't imagine how it would feel to have your mom give up on you because she wants to live the single , kid free life.


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## liifeiisabeach

Flying_Dutchman said:


> I agree with the punishment/reward process if it's done by mutual understanding and for specific goals/events.
> 
> When it's bad is when random deprivations are inflicted for hazy reasons.
> 
> I'd like the father to be more involved. Hard to tell if communications have already broken down though. You'd think she'd be happy there if it were just a bad mom.
> 
> Where are all the school counsellors they have these days? My generation didn't have them. Similarly, sending me to a shrink would've shamed my parents. Nowadays you can send kids there and nobody thinks you have a loony in the family.
> 
> I'm concerned that the OP et al seem to be lacking help from the professionals. Professionals who always seem to be nearby to suspend kids for drawing pics of guns or boobs.
> 
> Hard to tell where this kid is at,, but there are similarities to me and if the OP/family/school get it wrong she could, like I did, get a LOT worse before she gets better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am in constant contact with her teachers and guidance counselors. Unfortunately the counselors are only interested in her grades, not with what's making her give up. 

I have looked into family counseling with individual counseling for her, but my husband does not agree with it. He doesn't think we need it. My husband is involved with his daughter, he just doesn't know how to show her the love she's craving from him. And I know it hurts her to see him playing with her little brother and not spending good quality time with her. However, last time they went for an off roading trip (just the 2 of them) she had attitude and was rude the whole time. They were going to go to the air show together and she ended up getting upset about something and staying home.


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## turnera

Maybe you need to be a little more forceful with him about it. She only gets one childhood to get it right. And it only gets harder from this age on. Talk him into going to at least one session. I think all the fears or judgments he has about them will melt away when he sees what they can do.


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## Flying_Dutchman

liifeiisabeach said:


> I am in constant contact with her teachers and guidance counselors. Unfortunately the counselors are only interested in her grades, not with what's making her give up.
> 
> I have looked into family counseling with individual counseling for her, but my husband does not agree with it. He doesn't think we need it. My husband is involved with his daughter, he just doesn't know how to show her the love she's craving from him. And I know it hurts her to see him playing with her little brother and not spending good quality time with her. However, last time they went for an off roading trip (just the 2 of them) she had attitude and was rude the whole time. They were going to go to the air show together and she ended up getting upset about something and staying home.


Fat lot of use those school counsellors are then. They sound just like,,,, teachers. Talk about money for old rope.

Message from both dad and mom is that they have no time for her. She's an inconvenience. Small wonder she plays up. If she can't get positive recognition she'll invite negative recognition that, at least, tells her she exists.

Dad is rugsweeping his daughter and her problems. YOU are trying,, he needs to do more.

If one or both parents don't get on board this'll progress to more trouble in school, running away, the 'bad crowd', drink, drugs, petty crime and cops.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## liifeiisabeach

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Fat lot of use those school counsellors are then. They sound just like,,,, teachers. Talk about money for old rope.
> 
> Message from both dad and mom is that they have no time for her. She's an inconvenience. Small wonder she plays up. If she can't get positive recognition she'll invite negative recognition that, at least, tells her she exists.
> 
> Dad is rugsweeping his daughter and her problems. YOU are trying,, he needs to do more.
> 
> If one or both parents don't get on board this'll progress to more trouble in school, running away, the 'bad crowd', drink, drugs, petty crime and cops.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I'm afraid of. She's going to seek that approval from anyone / anything that'll provide it for her.


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## turnera

Find some articles about how teenage girls take the wrong turns when parents don't get involved. There are TONS of research and articles about this; it's proven. And I know you say he does things with her, but he needs to do the HARD things with her, not the FUN things. Girls desperately need fathers who represent the rule in their lives; it's how they determine right from wrong, how to respect themselves and their body. If the dad's absent, the girl looks for other avenues. I'm living proof of that.


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## liifeiisabeach

Something needs to happen. She just got suspended from school for 3 days for disrupting the class.


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## turnera

Straight to a counselor. Today. Don't wait for him. Just make the appointment.


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## Flying_Dutchman

liifeiisabeach said:


> Something needs to happen. She just got suspended from school for 3 days for disrupting the class.


Jeeeez. There's #1 off my list in under 24 hours since I posted it.

Time to light a rocket under dad's àss. Rattle him out of his apathy. This shouldn't be on you to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117

So far nobody has mentioned the obvious...

Does she have the academic background to be in 9th grade? If she pulled all F's in 6th grade and barely all C's in online class she likely has (a) no clue how to study (b) behavior issues that need counseling and (c) Grand Canyon sized gaps in her background academically.

Start with a psych evaluation to rule out ADHD and the like or mitigate if present; then work with the school to develop an individualized instruction program of some kind and get her tutoring. She will likely need to be held back a year to catch up...


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## Malpheous

This behavior just since the split? Or prior also?


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## liifeiisabeach

Malpheous said:


> This behavior just since the split? Or prior also?


I'm going to say since... but my husband and her mom split when she was 5.


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## Revamped

I've given up on the punishment side of dealing with bad grades. My son was impervious to taking things away, grounding, extra chores. He just didn't care. Didn't bother him enough to improve at all.

Then I switched to what I call, "What's in YOUR wallet" campaign. I never mentioned a bad grade at all. But when I saw a good grade, when he went to school, I slipped something in his wallet. A dollar or two, maybe a fiver. A Mickey D's card preloaded with $3.00. A picture of when he was little, looking so cute. A picture of his cat, with a smiley face. Anything I could think of just to get him looking in his wallet every day.

Some days, there wasn't anything in it. That bothered him. He wanted something in there. Every day. Towards the end, I had to start getting creative. Poems, a piece of string with a heart attached to it. I even wet his wallet, and put a note that said he was doing so good that he melted Frosty the snowman's heart. 

It took about six months. He finally come to me, asking what in the world I was doing. I told him that I loved him. And no amount of bad grades will change that. However, I DO appreciate the good grades, it's rewarding to see him do well.

Corny, I know....


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## john117

Get her to see the BIG picture. 

The big picture is that with bad grades you're toast in life. Can't get into a good college, can't pay, and even if you can get in and pay you can't finish.

Rewards with money work up to a point. Eventually they have to understand why. 

Also if she has learning issues tutoring or other intervention may be worthwhile. But first stabilize what is there.


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## turnera

Revamped said:


> I've given up on the punishment side of dealing with bad grades. My son was impervious to taking things away, grounding, extra chores. He just didn't care. Didn't bother him enough to improve at all.
> 
> Then I switched to what I call, "What's in YOUR wallet" campaign. I never mentioned a bad grade at all. But when I saw a good grade, when he went to school, I slipped something in his wallet. A dollar or two, maybe a fiver. A Mickey D's card preloaded with $3.00. A picture of when he was little, looking so cute. A picture of his cat, with a smiley face. Anything I could think of just to get him looking in his wallet every day.
> 
> Some days, there wasn't anything in it. That bothered him. He wanted something in there. Every day. Towards the end, I had to start getting creative. Poems, a piece of string with a heart attached to it. I even wet his wallet, and put a note that said he was doing so good that he melted Frosty the snowman's heart.
> 
> It took about six months. He finally come to me, asking what in the world I was doing. I told him that I loved him. And no amount of bad grades will change that. However, I DO appreciate the good grades, it's rewarding to see him do well.
> 
> Corny, I know....


I love it. Just gotta ask, though...how old was he?


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## firebelly1

I haven't read through all the posts but I'm not a big believer in punishment as the only way of changing behavior. My son has had the same issues including being abandoned by his dad. 

I think the most immediate thing you can do, if you can afford it, is to get her into something like Sylvan Learning Center. It's completely one-on-one and she will see positive results right away. My daughter went there to improve her math skills and I honestly thought it would be better for her to go there full time than school. 

My son never established a homework habit, which I think is key. There is a time everyday when a kid should be setting aside time for homework. But my son socialized in class, which meant he missed hearing the material as it was being taught and missed hearing what the homework was. Homework time only works if you know what the homework is. So that means you need to work with the teacher to make sure your SD is sitting in a place in class where she is away from her friends and the teacher can observe her listening. You might go as far as to have a sheet of paper that the teacher initials everyday to indicate that you SD was paying attention and reward / punish for the number of checks.

I got this idea from a book called "The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder." Even if your SD hasn't been diagnosed as such, this book is the best one I've read on what to do with kids that are impossible to deal with and there are recommendations for action items you can take for schoolwork. 

There's another book called "Bright Minds, Poor Grades" that I read and it helped me a lot. 

I think the need for family / individual counselling is a given, but you do need some immediate tools to deal with school and these are my suggestions.


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## turnera

The only time punishment works, usually, is when it's applied logically, as is the case with Authoritative Parenting (what I used):

Authoritative parenting
Described by Baumrind as the "just right" style, in combines a medium level demands on the child and a medium level responsiveness from the parents. Authoritative parents rely on positive reinforcement and infrequent use of punishment. Parents are more aware of a child's feelings and capabilities and support the development of a child's autonomy within reasonable limits. There is a give-and-take atmosphere involved in parent-child communication and both control and support are balanced. Research shows that this style is more beneficial than the too-hard authoritarian style or the too-soft permissive style. An example of authoritative parenting would be the parents talking to their child about their emotions.
Parenting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

When my DD started slipping, I sat her down and said, 'your job is school. I expect you to complete it with good, if not great, grades. Therefore, it's my job to help you achieve it. We're going to have some rules that will help you get there. This (ABC) is what happens when you meet all the requirements; this (XYZ) is what happens when you don't. It's up to you to decide which path you'll take. I hope you'll take the ABC route but if you choose the XYZ route, the consequences are on you. I'll still be right there with you, ready to help you move back to the ABC path when you're ready.'

This takes the emotion out of it, leaves out any recrimination which leads to helplessness or self-loathing, and shows a continuous level of support and a path out of the consequences. 

In her case, the consequences were things like bare bones living, removal of her beloved items like books or Dragonball Z movies (which she had bought with her own allowance), having to turn down dates with friends if the grades weren't back up to Bs, having to do extra homework in front of me so I could check it, and of course me meeting her teachers - the worst, lol. I told her once that if she ever skipped school, I was going to quit my job and my new job was going to be driving her to school, walking in with her, and sitting in on all her classes to make sure she attends. She never skipped until senior year, lol. And then she asked my permission!


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## the guy

What sucks is the big picture for 14 yr old girl is getting that cute guy and having a lot of friends.

Lets face it it, the world needs waitress and maids so that's her path (for now).....lets just focus an getting her through high school with out getting pregnant or running a way with some pimp.

The kid got dealt a sh!tty hand in life....that sucks!

She may not be collage bound now, but in time she will see the light...so again stay focused in stablizing what you can work with now and do the preventive maintenance to keep her future out of a strip club while taking care of infant.

It might take a year (or 2) after HS for her figure out she is being a screw up......but for now get through HS

I'm guessing the world sucks for her right now and a college and a high paying job are the furthest thing from her mind so keep it simple for her.....graduate high school and you and her can figure out the rest when that happens.


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## the guy

If this poor kid doesn't have one single goal in life at least you can support her to finish high school.....hell its only 3 more years.

With all the crap going on with her phucked up mom this just might be her biggest achievement......lets hope not. but for a kid with out any goals it's a damb good start.

I know you want more...hell we all want more for the ones we care about but she can turn a corner that is way worse then what you half expect from her.


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## Revamped

turnera said:


> I love it. Just gotta ask, though...how old was he?


14. Second half of 8th grade.


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## john117

You have to first find out what the child can do then demand excellence in what they can do well, and progress an effort where they are struggling - if any - 

I expect excellence from my girls but in different ways. But I also expect lots of effort.


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## the guy

I'm thinking the child doesn't care what she can and can not do. The child gets what she want from her old man out of guilt and the POS mom could give a phuck.

So here is the step mom....caring and seeing the child's sh1t going south.

You can demand all you want....at the end of the day if her own mom doesn't give a sh1t then why try?

The fact is the step mom does care but what does that mean to a 14 yr old who really doesn't care....what this kid wants is her own mom to care

That ain't going to happen (selfish b!tch).


What this kid can do is wake up in the morning and hope the other kids like her....cuz she has already gotten a taste of when they don't.

After the sh!t sandwich this kid has eaten I'd be happy with completing high school ....then you can figure out her excellence.

A 2.5 GPA should get her through and that sucks but getting a GED in juvy is a hell of a lot worse.

Demanding excellence is the right thing to do, but lets open up that sh!t sandwich this little girl has to eat and see exactly what you actually can demand of her as a step mom.

From were I'm sitting.... OP (the step mom) is the only one that gives a sh!t about finishing high school!

So try not to screw that up by pushing the kid away by "demanding" anything but graduating HS!


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## the guy

The bio mom should be the one demanding excellence......but the bio mom is in no shape to demand anything.

The kids dad well...he never finished school so .....IDK what his phucking problem is!

Its suck OP, but as a step mom you would be doing a dam good job if you can get this kid to finish school before she gets banged up or pimped out.


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