# Confused



## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

Hello,

I am new to posting on the forums but have been reading for a while. Everyone on here is so talented and smart. Here is my story and thank you for any advice and reading. I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I am engaged and have a beautiful and amazing daughter. We have been together for almost 8 years engaged for 3. I am very loving, i love to cuddle, kiss and hug a ton. I call her beautiful every day, she makes me smile she’s cute and adorable Recently, rather it be parenting or just boredom or lack of intimacy. My fiancé and I have begun to drift apart. I have discussed this with her briefly and she usually gets defensive or calls me "weird" for bringing it up. She is usually is not always receptive (depending on her mood) The past few weeks she has been more distant than usual. I did some snooping and found out that she has a crush on a guy at work. (I have no idea if anything happened and he has since moved away) I also found some communication between her and another man. It was sexual, although he did most of the "sexting" she responded in kind. He sent nude photos to her and she commented on her favorite ones. 

My dilemma is that I am not very happy in the relationship but i really want to make it work. I am not the kind of guy to give up on anything. I want to sit her down and confront her about all this. Unfortunately, the means on how I obtained my information wouldn't be received in a positive light. I am seeing a lawyer to discuss possible legal road to separation and custody. I don't want to do this to my family. It keeps me up at night the thought of us not being together. The thought of my daughter not seeing her mother every day or not seeing me every day. I miss my fiancé so much and love her to no end. How does someone willingly break apart their family? Even though I’m not that very happy in the relationship and i don’t think she is either. I want to make it work. I am not afraid of being alone or finding someone else. I just think she was the one and I love her and miss her more every day. I think that maybe I’m blinded by love to really be able to read between the lines. Any thought? Sorry this message is all over the place but this is the first time this is all really coming out. Thanks again in advance.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Hello Mainstays,

Sorry you are here

Your fiance is clearly having an emotional affair (EA) with her guy-friend (who knows what happened with the co-worker that moved?) That is most likely why you have felt a disconnect on her end. She is emotionally bonding with him, and this will most likely evolve into a physical affair if nothing is done to stop it. Sexting with pics is a bad sign.

What I am unclear about is where you stand with the relationship. I'm getting the impression that you really don't want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, but obligation to your daughter and desire for a future "family" together has you stuck.

Keep in mind a couple of things:

1.) If your fiance is cheating on you already, this behavior will most likely continue into your marriage. Do you want that? Could you ever get past her current affair?

2.) You are not legally bound to her now, so a split would be an easy process. If a Divorce happens years down the road, kiss half of your assets, retirement, etc. good-bye!

3.) Raising a child in a split family is common-place these days. Although it is noble to think of your daughter, you are actually setting a bad example by tolerating a relationship with a cheater. 

My advice?

1.) Confront your fiance about her EA's. If you need to gather more evidence first, then go ahead. Personally, I think you have enough...although screen shots of her texts might be a good idea so she can't deny it all.

2.) Start separating your finances. 

3.) Consult a lawyer about the custody laws in your state.

If it were me, I'd end it now. You don't want to deal with a cheating wife for the next several years.

Sorry....


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Hello Mainstays,
> 
> Sorry you are here
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I am talking to a lawyer this week. I just wanted to stay as a family. My feelings about her? I still love her deeply and it hurts to discover all of this. She acts sort of "normal" but distant at home but I've discovered that she complains about me behind my back. Do you think a consouler would help? Everytime I bring up anything about our relationship she gets defensive and calls me "weird" for asking. I've read on here people that go to counseling and it works. I'm not sure how to bring it up. I honestly don't think she knows how I feel. I am scared to talk about it for fear of what she will say. I really want to "man up" and tell her but I can't. Sometimes I wish I was one of those guys who didn't care and was fearless in these situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You two are drifting apart is because she is looking elsewhere. If you are in an exclusive relationship there is no privacy like in marriage. Consider yourself lucky you found this out now and move on and co parent. You may want to DNA test your child also at the very least to show what you think of her word. I'm sorry.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Counselling is a waste of time if she's involved with other men.

Be courageous, not fearless.

Like Tom said, it's better to find this stuff out now, before marriage.

I understand that you love her, or at least the idealized version of "her" you have created in your mind, but realize that *she is not that person.*

I'm thinking it's not really love, but attachment. 

She is showing you her true colors now. 

She is having covert affairs. Which means lying, sneaking, and compartmentalizing. Why would you love someone who treats you like that?

Here's an article that might help:

Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Mainstays;3389602She acts sort of "normal" but distant at home but I've discovered that she complains about me behind my back.
[size=1 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


It's typical for cheaters to "re-write" the history of the relationship to make the loyal partner out to be the villain. It's a way for them to justify their cheating, in their own minds.

When you confront her, be prepared for her to shift all of the blame onto you. 

Don't buy into it.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

I guess I look at this situation differently than the others that have posted a reply. You have been together 8 years, you love her, miss her, you're engaged to be married and you have a child together. This sounds like something worth fighting for to me. Have you thought about going out to a neutral place to have coffee and talk about your future or lack of one? A relationship that is headed towards marriage must include honest communication. Trying to read between the lines is never a good idea. Hope this helps.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Dating/engagment is an interview for marriage, She failed. Leopards don't change their spots.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think it IS worth fighting for given what you have put into the relationship, especially for your daughter. There are limits however.

I also agree with ThreeStrikes in that counseling will be an utter waste of time if she is already looking elsewhere, which you already know she has done with the two other guys, and is very (very) likely still doing, either with the most recent OM or a new one. From everything you describe, it really sounds like that is going on, be it physical or emotional. 

A few questions... when is the wedding date? (Why has it taken so long to tie the knot?) How did you find out about the crush on the co-worker or her EA/PA with the other guy? Is it very obvious that it is just an EA or is it possible that it's a PA? Do you know the names of both guys? (As in, could you confront them as well, or contact their significant others if they too are cheating?)

Ultimately you have to confront her. You can selectively do so based on evidence you feel comfortable sharing that you attained less... invasively. Or you can use what you know to attain the same info in a more honest way if need be. How she responds to your confronting her will speak volumes to her willingness to make things better. If she gets angry, reactionary, storms off, etc., then I'd say that spells the end of the relationship as she really feels no shame, no guilt, and no responsibility towards you/your child or the relationship. If she bursts into tears and apologies, swears up and down that she'll change, swears she loves you, etc., then that at least means there is hope. It could be codependency talking though, so you still have to be aware of that. But if anything, confronting her could provide a simply test to see where she stands and whether it is worth further effort?


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