# Moving on and dealing with anger



## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Hello everyone, this is my first post. On 1/23, W and I mutually decided to do a dissolution. For anyone familiar with MMSL, I went through the phases of that to a T and now am at 7 - moving on. Here's a brief history of events:

In Jan 2014, we were waiting for a "I got home safely" text from our babysitter, who was driving home in the snow. A message popped up on W's phone, but it was from a man whose name I didn't recognize. Looking through the history briefly, it was a work client. They had been flirting back and forth for months. She apologized and said it would stop immediately. The day after, she claimed she talked with him and they agreed to keep things professional only.

In March 2014, D2 was playing with W's phone. I took it from her, and found more chats with this man... including a flat out sexual one akin to "I want you to F me". When I confronted, I demanded no contact with this man and marriage counseling. It was made clear if this continued, our marriage would not.

In the several months afterward, W was overall unsupportive and did little to rebuild my trust. She repeatedly expressed that her affair was my fault, and wouldn't have happened if I met her needs. I maintained that while I made mistakes, I was in no way responsible for her stepping outside of the marriage. I was accused of having a victim mentality, and not moving on. Her lack of remorse was a great point of conflict. At times when I was triggered, sad and in pain, her first reaction was always defensiveness, not support.

Just before thanksgiving, while W was putting D2 to bed, she received a text. Since her phone was on the coffee table 2 feet in front of me, I glanced down and noticed it was from him, inviting her to use a chat app (Cyber Dust) that deletes messages 30 seconds after they are read. She said that came out of the blue, and she had done nothing to instigate it. At our marriage counseling session following, she said she simply deleted it and did nothing.

I felt more had to be done, so I contacted POSOM myself, and told him to stay away from W. I told her afterward, and she was enraged. Rather than be concerned about my feelings or our marriage, she was worried about work. She didn't want him to talk with other contractors and give her company a bad reputation.

Later on, I found that the very night she received that invite, she forwarded it to her work and personal email addresses, and deleted it from her sent items in an attempt to hide that from me. I also found that she created an account within the app. She clearly lied to me and our therapist about deleting the message.

I confronted her about this... asked if she had talked with him, even though I already knew the answer. Again she lied and said no. Later in the conversation, she revealed that she had emailed him for an explanation, clearly breaking the terms of no contact. When I called her on these lies, I was called a "psychotic, insecure *******" before she stormed out.

Through the holidays to the present, she had been extremely distant and unwilling to work with me. She did not want to go to marriage counseling any more, saying that it only made her depressed and didn't help. In late Dec, I sat her down, and told her she needed to get her head out of her ass and work on things, or I wouldn't be around much longer.

She became even more distant after that, essentially ignoring my presence. I reached a point where I couldn't take it any more, and needed to see improvement. On 1/23, I sat her down and gave her two options as an ultimatum:

A:
Work with me. I must see a positive effort to improve.
No more distancing.
I will no longer live like your roommate.
B:
Divorce. (I had the completed paperwork in my hand)

After a very long talk filled with DARVO from her, we decided to split. I recorded the conversation without her knowing, as I wanted to be protected in case she did something BSC. And yes, I did run that by my lawyer first... I'm in a one party consent state.

While it didn't turn truly BSC, it turned out to be helpful for other reasons. When I felt sad, in denial, or questioned my decision, I could go back and be reminded of gems like these:

"You deserve someone standards not as high as mine."
"I had an emotional daliance, it was not an affair. There was nothing remotely affectionate." After me saying, "except for the come F me part", she started hitting the couch screaming "You are blowing this out of Fing proportion!" :scratchhead:
"I'm not the insecure person at 37 that I was at 23. I don't need the things then that I need now. I need different things." So much for commitment I guess. 
"I didn't lie (about Cyber Dust), I freaked out then told the truth later." Yeah, after you realized you were caught red handed. 

My absolute favorite is too wordy to quote in entirety. Basically, I'm an introverted person. She has known that from the beginning, but apparently married me thinking she could change me into a schmoozing socialite. While I'm much more social than I used to be, I can't and won't change (MAP for the MMSL fans) core character traits. She said she invested so much into me and hasn't seen enough in return. Well, trying to change who I am was your first mistake. 

After several days of processing that conversation, I felt an overall relief! All the trying, the wondering, lack of remorse, etc is all explained. She just doesn't love me enough to care. It wasn't something I was doing... it's not my fault. I no longer have to dump extreme amounts of energy into something that won't be fixed. I don't have to cater or walk on eggshells. I don't beat myself up wondering what I'm doing wrong. I am happy with the way I handled things. Even in the ultimatum talk, I never lied, never called names. I was honorable. She was not.

Last night I started reading a book about how to break the news to our children: D2 and D6. It made me imagine the hurt in them. It stirred up anger all over again that I'm trying to work through. My individual therapist got me into journaling, which is very helpful for me. Here's what I wrote last night, something I'd love say to the W:

_I hope when you see the pain in D6, that you think about what a cheating, lying, frigid, unsympathetic ***** you are, and perhaps realize that yes, your affair was a HUGE deal and I'm NOT blowing it out of proportion. Your complete inability to be a loving spouse is the cause of her pain. I hate you more than words can express. You chose to cheat instead of fixing the issues or leaving... issues that were around in your mind since before their birth. You were a selfish coward, and your choices have ruined the lives of two innocent girls. I hope you die and go to hell._

Obviously, that wouldn't help anyone though. I still have to coparent with this person. I have a quote on my desk that I have to keep staring at to keep myself in check: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Her complete inability to see what she did wrong, how it affected and ruined our family... the DARVO... it makes me borderline crazy sometimes.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Mods, could you please move this into the "Going through divorce or separation" section? Thank you!


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

There is a saying that i have on my desk that i read everytime i think about the STBXW, i found it here on TAM, forgot there name so i cant give credit where credit is deserved. 

" Life gets easier once you accept an apology you never received! " 

Helps everytime!!


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## JustFree (Sep 17, 2014)

You did good. Isn't it great even with all the turmoil to look yourself in the mirror and be pleased that you stood up for yourself and did all you could with what you could control.
My story is somewhat similar and not all that far back.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You did a spectacular job! You laid everything out, said what you wanted. 

Same thing I did with my XW in late 2012. As the D approached...she started 

reaching. Yours will most likely RT. Be prepared. I never knew if she cheated

or not but when she "walked out on the marriage" .... it didn't matter.

Keep posting....


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

RedTool said:


> Her complete inability to see what she did wrong, how it affected and ruined our family... the DARVO... it makes me borderline crazy sometimes.


I see you have met my ex-wifes doppleganger.

Dont worry, your life is about to start getting better by leaps and bounds.

To steal a little bit from WWII...."How about a nice cup of FREEDOM?"

Drink up man, you handled it well.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

RedTool said:


> Hello everyone, this is my first post. On 1/23, W and I mutually decided to do a dissolution. For anyone familiar with MMSL, I went through the phases of that to a T and now am at 7 - moving on. Here's a brief history of events:
> 
> In Jan 2014, we were waiting for a "I got home safely" text from our babysitter, who was driving home in the snow. A message popped up on W's phone, but it was from a man whose name I didn't recognize. Looking through the history briefly, it was a work client. They had been flirting back and forth for months. She apologized and said it would stop immediately. The day after, she claimed she talked with him and they agreed to keep things professional only.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry about your situation, and you clearly care a lot about your daughters. 

My advice is to focus on yourself and on your daughters. They are the innocent party in all of this, and deserve to know that both their parents love them a lot. That's all children need, to know that they are loved, have support, and be safe in their home. 

I too struggled a lot (and still do sometimes) with hateful feelings towards my husband. We are separated and I feel like he let my daughter and I down so much. But there is a point where we just have to accept that the other spouse made his or her choices, we are at the point that we are, and decide how to proceed. If you hate her, and always act on this hate, and express that around your children, you and they will be consumed by it. That is no way to live. You really will have "drunk the poison", so to speak. 

Anger is a phase, a very painful one, but it will dissipate with time. There are no short-cuts. You have to grieve the loss of your marriage, the loss of trust, the betrayal. But you WILL move on. In the mean time, no matter what you feel, don't do or say things around your kids that are destructive, or anything destructive to yourself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You did good, Red! You are certainly to be commended!

Good luck to you during the D process, which I'm hoping that you seek primary custody of your daughters!

BTW, Red, did you ever, at any time, get around to appraising the OM's wife of the situation? And did you ever have yourself checked out by your MD for the presence of STD's? Was just wondering!*


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> There is a saying that i have on my desk that i read everytime i think about the STBXW, i found it here on TAM, forgot there name so i cant give credit where credit is deserved.
> 
> " Life gets easier once you accept an apology you never received! "
> 
> Helps everytime!!


Sammy that is an excellent quote and one that I applies to my situation as well, Thanks

RedTool, you are right on target. While my children are much older and out of the house I too am angered at the horrible lesson my ex has visited upon our children, My ex basically just decided to lie and blame me rather than sit down and talk. It all came out of the blue due to a situation that she created solely give her an excuse to leave. I still have a lot of anger. I ALMOST feel as though I could forgive her IF she could ever grasp the hurt she caused me with her lies. I am not saying the truth would have been easier, but at least I wouldn't have gone thru 5 months of needless soul searching and recrimination over something that is really her problem and her problem alone!


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *You did Good luck to you during the D process, which I'm hoping that you seek primary custody of your daughters!
> 
> BTW, Red, did you ever, at any time, get around to appraising the OM's wife of the situation? And did you ever have yourself checked out by your MD for the presence of STD's? Was just wondering!*


Right now we are generally agreeing on dissolution terms (friendly, non conflict, terms decided in advance). As much as I hate this woman for what she did to me, sole/primary custody would only hurt my girls. She is a great mom, and we are going with a shared parenting plan and 50/50 time wise.

STDs - yes, got tested.

OM's wife - this is one of my regrets, that I didn't. Right now, I'm minimizing conflict in order to get the dissolution process done ASAP.

My other regret is not blowing up the affair to her family. I myself underestimated the nature of an EA in the beginning. Knowing what I know now, I would have taken out a billboard to broadcast it. 

I have talked with a couple people in her family, though not her parents yet. My wife is selling it as "a little flirting months ago, and he just can't get over it." She conveniently skips that it went on for months, that she showed no remorse or support, the explicit sexual nature of some texts, and the entirety of the recontact in Nov.

I'm torn between silence now in the interest of an amicable dissolution, and the anger fueled satisfaction of broadcasting that she's a lying cheater. Any tips from those of you with experience?


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm so sorry about your situation, and you clearly care a lot about your daughters.
> 
> My advice is to focus on yourself and on your daughters. They are the innocent party in all of this, and deserve to know that both their parents love them a lot. That's all children need, to know that they are loved, have support, and be safe in their home.
> 
> ...


Agreed. As bad as things are, the kids have no clue at this point. We have never even argued or done anything in front of them. As I said above, she is an excellent mother, just useless as a wife.

How do you get over it? Just a matter of time and mindset? I can forgive her for what she's done to me... but our daughters... they are totally innocent here.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RedTool said:


> Right now we are generally agreeing on dissolution terms (friendly, non conflict, terms decided in advance). As much as I hate this woman for what she did to me, sole/primary custody would only hurt my girls. She is a great mom, and we are going with a shared parenting plan and 50/50 time wise.
> 
> STDs - yes, got tested.
> 
> ...


I'm not an example of success (yet) so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Many, many years ago I helped my SIL figure out her H was cheating. At the time I did not at ALL understand why she didn't want to blast all the info. to anyone and everyone. He deserved it!

Fast forward many years and my H (his brother) cheated. I now understood. Despite my feelings at the time for him and what he had done, I still felt my kids deserved to think their dad hung the moon, even if he didn't. I wish I could say I always always so gracious (with my verbal and/or emotional outbursts) during our divorce, but I wasn't. 

I know it's not a popular opinion here, but I really think it is taking the high road to just not put her on blast. Just my opinion.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

One thing I've seen here is that the younger the kids are, the easier they adapt. It comes their norm. It will be OK. 

You seem to have made a good decision and handled things well. I am curious - did you ask how SHE would feel if you were flirting and have sexual texts with another woman including chats that delete which certainly implies impropriety (otherwise why the need to delete)? I would correct the families assumptions that it was a little flirting and you overreacted. I'd clarify that to say OH, months of texting including sexually explicit texts isn't a big deal?

Get a copy of the phone records. See just how many texts were exchanged. Even without content, talking to another man more than she talks to her own spouse is hugely problematic.


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