# She want's a "civil" relationship



## deadendahead (Mar 9, 2016)

I'm new here - not sure the best forum to post this. I am at a loss. 
I've been married 12+ years to my soul mate. I feel she's only been in love with for 1 or 2 of those 12 years. 

About five years ago, I began talking with another woman. There was nothing ever physical - but there was plenty of flirting. I felt wanted... for the first time in quite a while. 

This past year, my wife found out about it. We began working on our marriage, and then I slipped up and reached out to my friend. It was innocent but still wrong. 

Now my wife is refusing to work on our relationship. She feels she already gave me a chance - and I did wrong again. She now only wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of our three kids. Beyond that, she wants nothing to do with me. 

I love her more than anything... and I'm beginning to make myself a better man, hoping she'll fall in love with me. I'm just not sure she ever was in love with me... and now I've given her an excuse to hate me and having nothing to do with me. 

Anyone else have similar experience? 

For more about my situation, I'm beginning to blog about it and my path to improvement - https://deadendahead.wordpress.com/


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

deadendahead said:


> I'm new here - not sure the best forum to post this. I am at a loss.
> I've been married 12+ years to my soul mate. I feel she's only been in love with for 1 or 2 of those 12 years.
> 
> About five years ago, I began talking with another woman. There was nothing ever physical - but there was plenty of flirting. I felt wanted... for the first time in quite a while.
> ...


You did not give her an excuse to hate you. You gave her a reason to hate you.

You seem to be blaming your wife for your mistakes. 

Are you?

If so, why?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Start by realizing that there's no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a soul mate.

And even if there was such a thing, you wouldn't have had a repeated EA with another woman.

You were given more than most -- a second chance. You blew it. If you care about your wife, you'd let her go if that's what she wanted.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Grow up and be a better man in every area of your life wether she notices or not.

Start hitting home runs in your life and don't be looking over your shoulder to see if she noticed or gives you any acknowledgement.

Engage in life. Become confident.

If your wife wants romance, dates, be awesome and fun.

If she wants sex, take her like Clint took sister Sarah when he found out she wasn't a nun.

Give her honor, not ass kissing, in every aspect of your life.

A year or two of this and she might just fall head over heels for you.

When you look at her, be like a wolf looking at a steak.

Confidence, confidence, confidence and perfect fidelity.

Or.....

You could strap yourself into some bdsm gear and let her punish you for being a bad boy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

She gave you a chance, what did you do with this? You took it for granted and repeated your foolishness. 

She should not be expected to give you a another chance. Because what if you did the same thing yet again. She is just protecting herself from your stupidity. You did not learn your lesson before. 

Be happy she did not kick you out. Learn how to be a better person. Maybe, in time when she sees how you have changed, she might give you another chance. Might....


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## deadendahead (Mar 9, 2016)

I hear what you all are saying. She did give me a second chance, we began seeing counseling (which I had been wanting for years), and then she accused me of cherry picking the hottest counselor in town (I did not). We didn't last long in counseling... and she seemed to forgive me or at least act like it. Soon... things ended up back where they have been for years. 

I did make a mistake reaching out to my friend again - but that's exactly what she was, a friend I could talk to. I know this was a mistake... and I have since ended all communication with her. 

I am focusing on improving myself. I'm placing family ahead of everything... I even began setting boundaries at work (meaning not working 15 hour days, 6 days a week). Well, as a result, I was recently laid off. 
I'm actually okay with this - this is allowing me to get my life back in order.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Do you both have faith in your life?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the mmslp book linked to below. Respect has to be earned. I would say you lost that a long time ago. 

The book can also be downloaded at amazon.com.

Sounds like you know the difference between right and wrong, it takes guts to do the right thing.

Also, get the book NOT JUST FRIENDS. What you were doing with your "friend" is an emotional affair. Your wife has been cheated on.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You should have addressed not feeling love after year 2, but I'm one to talk. I never addressed our issues either. Wished I would have though.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

deadendahead said:


> Now my wife is refusing to work on our relationship. She feels she already gave me a chance - and I did wrong again. She now only wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of our three kids. Beyond that, she wants nothing to do with me.


You screwed up and you know it. But I wouldn't recommend staying in an unhappy marriage with her as a viable choice. Talk with her and if she is adamant that she doesn't want to try to fix things then accept that as her choice and end the marriage.


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## deadendahead (Mar 9, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Do you both have faith in your life?


We are now. One of my ways to improve myself is to bring faith into our lives. We are now attending service weekly and I'm looking at joining a men's group.


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## deadendahead (Mar 9, 2016)

Thound said:


> You should have addressed not feeling love after year 2, but I'm one to talk. I never addressed our issues either. Wished I would have though.


I actually did - in fact continued to for years. Nothing ever worked. I even suggested counseling early on.


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## deadendahead (Mar 9, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> Get the mmslp book linked to below. Respect has to be earned. I would say you lost that a long time ago.
> 
> The book can also be downloaded at amazon.com.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

deadendahead said:


> I actually did - in fact continued to for years. Nothing ever worked. I even suggested counseling early on.


Then at that point you should have asked her for a divorce. Look, we get it: you married a cold fish. Still no excuse for having a flirtatious affair.

If you did everything you could to save the marriage, then asking her for a divorce would have been the honorable way to end the marriage. But you blew that chance. Now if you divorce her, she can say you are leaving her for another woman. 

Sorry man, either leave the marriage as the bad guy or suck it up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She accused you of cheating for years before you got so attached to Jessica, no? I wonder if there is any significance there?

And now you are unemployed. That must be hard. I hope you find something soon.

It certainly was not helpful for you to contact Jessica. It surely hurts her, too. Have you thought about that?

But in reality, people are going to seek to get their needs met. If your wife thinks that freezing you out is going to end well, I think she is mistaken. 

You both need to humble yourselves (find an unattractive therapist if her looks are an issue) and start meeting each other's needs. Like Conan said, you go first. With enough kindness, understanding, patience, and fidelity from you, your wife may soften. If not, you may have to leave her. Otherwise you may end up cheating again. 

Any chance your wife would come here? It would be interesting to hear her side of things. I am sure she is hurt. But she may have contributed to your vulnerability. Husbands and wives have to work together in marriage.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You are married for over 12 years. What exactly happened after year 2 to make you think she did not love you anymore (bearing in mind that you continued to call her your "soul mate" to this day}?

What exactly did you do to address her "falling out of love with you" after year 2 and what was her response ?

You then had an affair at the year 7 mark - the famous "itch"?

And then never really let go of the itch. Are you sure you are not rewriting your marital history? You need to be honest with yourself in order to have any chance of fixing this. I agree with jld in that it would be useful to hear her side.

Why do you still call her your soul mate ?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Do you really want your marriage to work or are you still in denial? Why do you want her back if she never really loved you? Are you starting to realize you might lose 50% of your net worth and only see your kids 50% of the time and that makes you want to work it out?

I was in denial for years but finally accepted my marriage was loveless and sexless. It was a sham. I am looking like the bad buy for walking out and my wife still wants to R, but I know I'm doing us a huge favor by ending our misery.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

jld said:


> Any chance your wife would come here? It would be interesting to hear her side of things. I am sure she is hurt. But she may have contributed to your vulnerability. Husbands and wives have to work together in marriage.


Would be nice but I don't see that happening. 

If the W doesn't like counseling and goes back to her old ways shortly after counseling stops, I don't see her wanting to come here to take 2x4's for being a 'cold fish'.

As for the OP...you really stepped in it and what's done is done now.

I wouldn't commit yourself to living forever as roommates just for the kids. I don't see the benefit of that lesson. What does that really show them about healthy relationships, marriage and how to love someone? Not much. 

So, first thing is I would tell your wife that staying in a loveless marriage is not going to work for you in the long run. I wouldn't say much more than that.

Then I would read a few books on what makes a good marriage. You might start with His Needs Her Needs and Not Just Friends and see if your W will read them with you. If she won't then read them on your own.

As for you, I would get a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer and the Mindful Attraction Plan by Athol Kay and set out to read those yourself. Try and implement the recommendations in there. Become 'awesome'! 

Mostly you're gonna have to build yourself into a husband that any woman would want. This process may take a while, but once you get there she will either notice and you'll have a better chance to get your marriage back on track or you will be in a stronger position to move on and get the divorce done.

All this is predicated on you wanting to stay in this marriage and not cheating on her in the future. If you can't 'not cheat' on her, then just file for divorce and end the marriage. Otherwise, you'd really just be wasting your time and hers. 

A little bit of counseling for you might also be in order to at least help you figure out why you are in this marriage and if she is really the person for you. I have my doubts.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Your wife's suggestion is completely stupid. You were somewhat unhappy and now she is going to make the marriage even worse.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

What you did was wrong but was not cheating because it was not sexual. Counseling is needed and you two need to work on your marriage and if she does not want to do that, then divorce is probably the best choice and remind her that she decided to break up the family rather than work on the marriage.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> What you did was wrong but was not cheating because it was not sexual. Counseling is needed and you two need to work on your marriage and if she does not want to do that, then divorce is probably the best choice and remind her that she decided to break up the family rather than work on the marriage.


Cheating doesn't have to be sexual.

It can be emotional - which for some people is way worse than sexual


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unless you BOTH are going to work on the marriage now, cut your losses and move on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You didn't reach out because she was a "friend to talk to" and you know it. You can't fix anything while you're in denial or being dishonest.

If another woman that you've had an inappropriate relationship with is the only possible friend you can reach out to then you have bigger problems.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

deadendahead said:


> I've been married 12+ years to my soul mate. I feel she's only been in love with for 1 or 2 of those 12 years.
> 
> Now my wife is refusing to work on our relationship.


Don't worry mate. You're fine. She only loved you the first two years? And NOW she is refusing to work on the relationship?

**** her. The "reaching out" made it your fault. She's quite good actually. Now she has a REASON to treat you like ****.

She's a manipulative *****. She manipulated you into marriage and now she's manipulating you into not having to even work on your problems any more.

Go out and find someone that doesn't treat you like ****.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> What you did was wrong but was not cheating because it was not sexual.


bull. Flirting is sexual by definition. do you flirt with the same sex? nope.

and 5 years wasn't just flirting, it was 100% emotional affair, sneaking behind her back.


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