# Need a man’s perspective, that’s why im asking here



## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

So I don’t want to write a 3 book novel, but there is a little back story so I’ll keep this as short as I can to get the best opinions from you guys out there (and Ill answer any questions) But basically, my husband and I are in our mid 30ths, married 6 yrs, one child. Our sex life hasn’t been the greatest the last few years, but has taken a real noise dive within the past year. Like to also note, I’m a more then adventurous and willing wife(with a very strong sex drive), who would “do it” if not once a day multiple times a day. But right now we are at about once every 6 to 8 weeks and when we have sex he never finishes( bc I think he is terrified of getting me pregnant again). We have been fighting about this issue with in our relationship for about a yr & ½ now. He just always tells me he is too tired to do it. And he isn’t that interested in sex. Meanwhile, I’ve lost a lot of my self-esteem, I don’t feel desired and just all around not in a good place. I’m not a supermodel, but I’m not over weight either. Well one night my husband came home late from working & apparently wasn’t tired, so he went on the computer & I was asleep, I woke up b/c I had to use the bathroom and realized he was home. I went downstairs to say hi and I just got this feeling in my gut, well he was like I’m not tired I’ll be up in a little bit. Well I decided to stay up just to see if my gut was right. (bc I’ve heard him on the PC before and the next morning ? him and he would just tell me he was listening to music) Well low and behold I was right; I opened our bedroom door and heard him watching porn and taking care of himself. I can’t even describe the feelings that came over me, I was hurt, I felt betrayed, I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or throw up. I just calmly called him a liar and told him he was full of **** and turned around, went back into our bedroom and locked the door. He came up stairs and eventually got inside. He told me he was sorry, how embarrassed he was, he didn’t think it was a big deal. And I found out he’s been doing it about once a week and started about a year ago. He promised me that he would stop. This all started about month ago, well he’s been making an effort to try to have sex with me, more often. But since I caught him, he said he wouldn’t do it anymore. Well he has flat out lied to me, b.c I know he has at least twice if not more. I’m a woman I just know but can’t prove it, he’s a smart guy he will never do it again when I’m around. So to my ?’s: 
Should I be so hurt about this? Do guys look at these women and wish we were like them? Is it really as simple as he says, just reliving his stress? And ultimately wouldn’t a man rather have sex with a woman then his hand? Since I’m a woman I don’t understand how your guys brain work, but right now I just feel so hurt and betrayed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's taking away from the intimacy of your marriage doing this. Plus the more time and energy he spends on porn, etc. the less time/energy he can give you.

you have to figure out how to stop this. I'm at a loss on this subject but there will be someone along that can help you address it.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP just another addiction young lady

If this behavior does not stop Ultimatum time approaches no?

Start with counselling for him.

Now way you should allow him to disrespect your marriage and waste his energy like this.


55


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

So I'm not going crazy? Because I've read a lota out this and some say it's just what a man does get over it. And then I read stuff thAt says yes he's doing something wrong.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Yanking it to Porn once in a while is just Okay

Siphoning of sexual energy from your lover to self gratify is selfish and foolish

If porn is detracting from your intimacy then it's an obvious problem

Does your husband have size insecurities ?

55


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## plomito (Apr 7, 2015)

Maybe he sees some stuff that he is afraid to ask you to do for him. I been in the situation where sex became dull and repetitive. Try something different. You mentioned you are adventurous and willing, then take that and show him what you are capable off, show him what he is missing by wasting his time in a computer when he have a woman more than capable to fulfill all his fantasies. 


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

No guys do not expect you to be like porn. Men are visual creatures. They use it to get aroused. Men mostly focus on the parts not the women. There also are aroused by things their wives will not do. In my case I would much rather be with my wife but lately that isn't happening.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It definitely can be an addiction and your h is addicted. There's something wrong if he's wacking off to porn and not having sex with his wife. You aren't wrong.
I just don't know how one breaks that addiction. It takes character and some people don't have a lot.

I'm lucky in that I'm not easily addicted to things. I do like to look at a pretty woman and my gf is very much upset if we are even at the beach and I notice a beautiful woman in a bikini. I'm willing to keep my impulses in check because I think very highly of her. Same for porn and other such stuff. 
I will say this-- I don't think your h is expecting you to look like those people, nor is he having some kind of emotional connection. He's just gotten himself into something that's screwed him up. He won't be able to finish or enjoy having sex with you until he stops the Kung fu grip on his .... He's got to go cold turkey for good. If he can.

Hopefully you will find out in a good way how highly your h thinks of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I suspect that this:


> Our sex life hasn’t been the greatest the last few years, but has taken a *real noise dive within the past year. *
> 
> But right now we are at about once every 6 to 8 weeks and when we have sex he never finishes*( bc I think he is terrified of getting me pregnant again).* *We have been fighting about this issue with in our relationship for about a yr & ½ now. *


has a lot to do with this:


> And I found out he’s been doing it about once a week and* started about a year ago*.


He probably started the porn as a way to relieve himself when you two started having issues, and now he's hooked on it. It's impacting his performance (finishing) and desire (he's not interested except in the variety and intensity of porn).

He needs to re-set by stopping the porn entirely for a while. You both need to communicate better and figure out why you're drifting apart.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Papmers123 said:


> snip
> But right now we are at about once every 6 to 8 weeks and when we have sex he never finishes( bc I think he is terrified of getting me pregnant again)..
> snip


Good evening.
This may be the key. An unwanted pregnancy is a HUGE deal, enough to ruin anyone's libido. He may be afraid of getting you pregnant so he can't have sex with you, so he turns to porn as a substitute.

Do you want to be pregnant again? If so, then you need to resolve your disagreement on having more children - that is a very important issue.

If not, then I would recommend suggesting doing things in bed that absolutely cannot get you pregnant - oral (for both of you), hands, sex toys, anything that is fun for both of you, but which doesn't have a chance of accidents.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Have you ever watched porn with him? It could add a little spice to your relationship and you might enjoy being included.


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## bb-jay (Dec 15, 2015)

@Papmers123...I think you and your hubby need to be on the same page about having another baby. The anxiety of not wanting another baby might just -vely affect his desire for you. Trust me, it can be a real worry for some men (a colleague of mine has gone one full year without sex because he's afraid of getting his wife pregnant, and she doesn't want to go on any contraceptives)

Also, could there be other (deeper) issues for which he has sexually disconnected from you?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

So it sounds like he still has a need to finish bu the fear of pregnancy is enough to kill his drive and turn to porn (since pregnancy is no issue there).

Really, the big issue, and a few have asked as well, what is the deal with you two and getting pregnant? Does he not want to have any more children but you do? I think it would be easier for everyone to understand the issues here if we had a better idea about why this has been a 1 1/2 year argument.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hi, Papmers, sorry you're here.

Manly perspective requested, manly perspective delivered.

In answer to your questions- 

Yes, you should be hurt, very hurt, by this. You should be deeply offended and resentful, in the short term.

It varies from guy to guy. It may sound strange, but plenty of guys who watch porn and don't think about their partner at all- they are focused on whatever performer they are watching right then and there. So don't worry that you're being "compared" and found lacking.

It varies from guy to guy. It can be as simple as "relieving stress." However, in the case of your husband, that is not what is going on. 

Ultimately, yes, a normal healthy man would rather have sex with a real live woman, preferably his exclusive partner.

So, now that we've got the answer out of the way, here's some additional manly perspective. You probably won't like it.


Papmers, you made a bad choice of men to marry. You married a man of low quality. He's a sad specimen, to want to have sex with you less frequently than you want to have sex with him. He is pathetic and contemptible for preferring porn to his willing and able wife. He is a coward and a liar to claim that he is scared of getting you pregnant. There are plenty of proven and effective means of birth control to avoid that happening.

Those horrible feelings you experienced when you caught him? That was your subconscious, realizing that you have a loser for a husband.

Your best bet to save your marriage is to get him into therapy, asap, so that he can start becoming something resembling an actual man.

Evinrude suggests that your husband may have a porn addiction. That may be the case, but his addiction is not really your problem. 

Changing other people is a real iffy proposition at best. A better use of your time and energy would be working on yourself and being a good Mother. Do that enough, and I have to think that you will know whether or not you want to stay married to someone who diminishes you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

giddiot said:


> No guys do not expect you to be like porn. Men are visual creatures. They use it to get aroused. Men mostly focus on the parts not the women. There also are aroused by things their wives will not do. In my case I would much rather be with my wife but lately that isn't happening.


Is that why guys (especially young guys) get all dressed up, spend hours in front of a mirror or picking out clothes in stores. How men obsess over the fact that someone in the office or formal dance are wearing a similar suit to them. That men get all fancied up, you know, not to show other women how they look, but to impress other men....

the visual thing is BS.

Men are far more touch and project orientated. Many also are powered by status, although often that's a security thing from their parents.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

For a bloke.... sex, romance, emotional stuff.... it's not like what most women get at a woman's circle thing - where it makes everyone pumped up and happy vibes.

When one is young, he has little stress and only has to worry (and gets quick feedback) about oneself and what is in the future. and what stress there is, and sometimes its intense, is acute and based around certain things (certain people, tests, money, status, fights, women, "the future"). It also helps if he's fit and got some friends.

As he gets older that kind of stuff disappears. No longer are the dreams these wonderful mysteries, and the stories all new; reality has set in. It's the woman's world now : no heroes, repetitious entrapment in an uninspiring grind of 'that's your proper place', only social games and other status and profit garnering crass tedium, no adventures or pioneering for most guys that's all on the covers of the magazines and books women like to read about (women like to "be there", men like to "do it": Notice the "Mary Worth" affect in many of the modern TV shows - seriously, ask me if you haven't heard of this)

So yes your man is "tired"...actually he's clinical depressed. Onaism and lack of exercise and motivation will just let this get worse as he continues to withdraw from humanity. Good news is its not "your" fault. Bad news is its not something you "did" that you can just fix.

Porn is easy. The drive for many men for sexual release does build up and alters the thinking. And the brief second or two of orgasm is ecstatic and mind-releasing, for a second or two a day the man can ignore the world and chronic **** of his life, and for just a second have pleasure in his life. The follow up chemicals are also good for dulling the world and chemically forcing a man to withdraw from the world mentally (dulling the pain and ever present tiredness). And just for that moment he can forget about all the other things he's supposed to be caring and carrying.
And you wish to take moment away from him?

As to how to fix it? I don't know. How does one put value and enjoyment back into a valueless life? (hint: I don't think giving him sex chores is the answer)


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Really, the big issue, and a few have asked as well, what is the deal with you two and getting pregnant? Does he not want to have any more children but you do? I think it would be easier for everyone to understand the issues here if we had a better idea about why this has been a 1 1/2 year argument.


To answer your question yes I want another baby more then I want air. And he said he is done. With yes is a huge issue between us. However in efforts to get us back on track I've told him I'll go back in the pill. Or we could us protection. I've even gotten so upset about it that I've told him if so freakin' worried about it to go get snipped. All of which he's said no to. I think in his mind the only contraceptive is abstaining from sex. Which isn't working for me. And the funny thing is when we first got together our sex life was just fine. I was on the pill and he would have no problems finishing inside me. But all of a sudden now he thinks if he comes near me with his seed, I'm gonna get pregnant. Which I've told him we can do other things. Like before we did have our child, I went off the pill (to get my body regulated but we still wanted to wait a few months) we would DTD and he would then MB next to me to finish himself off. He felt this way he was controlling he's seed from getting in me. If that makes sense. But now he won't even finish around me. Or have me involved. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not the greatest at oral but I'd wouldn't mind getting better for him but he just doesn't seem to want to work with me there either. 
I just don?t know how or what to think. Someone once told me he has some resentment built up towards me but in my mind the only way for us to overcome that is to start being intimate again and hope we can find our connection again. Oh also would like to note I've never turned him down for sex every while he on the other hand has turned me down countless times.


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## Normalguy062302 (Dec 30, 2015)

I can give you a man's perspective and not just a normal one. My perspective is from someone who has a problem with porn and who's wife knows about it. Let me say this first....you know how drug addicts and alcoholics say that they are always an addict or an alcoholic even if they are not using. The same is true for porn/sex addicts. I am a porn addict even though I currently do not use (look at) porn. My wife found out about my problem and that led to a very long and deep conversation. This conversation made my wife and I realize that my problem with porn was not that I didn't desire my wife, but that the women on the computer or in the movies satisfied me. They satisfied me because (this is important) when they were screwing some dude or taking their clothes off, they were in fact "communicating" to me that I was the single most important person on the face of the earth. It's all about ego. I know that sounds childish but it is. Now to the solution. My wife asked me what I liked so much about the porn actresses. What did they do or wear that was so appealing. Here it is: they almost worship the man with everything they do....how they dress, how they talk, how they walk, how they do the act itself. It's all about the man. So, my wife took that knowledge and changed how she approached sex. I'm not saying our sex life is all about me...it's not. Most of the time, I ensure that she orgasms before I do. The point is that my wife now dresses sexier, she wears heels more often, she whispers naughty things in my ear, she sexts me at work, she almost always wears lacy, sexy underwear (unless it's lady time), and she puts forth more of an effort to do what I like in the bedroom (ie - oral sex, anal sex, roleplay, her on top, etc!) Here's the really cool part though....because she makes more of an effort there, I make more of an effort to tell her she's beautiful, to say I love you, to buy her flowers, to take her out on a date, to buy her nice things, etc. She makes more of an effort with sex, and I make more of an effort to woo her. I mean, there have been date nights where we both get all dressed to go to dinner and never leave the house because she gets super horny and rips my clothes off....not the other way around. My point is...if your husband is into porn and pornstars....then give him a PORNSTAR. GIVE HIM YOU!!! You don't have to do the nasty things that some pornstars do (ie - facials, abuse, etc) but become a little sex goddess. Maybe he just needs to be worshiped a little bit. If that doesn't work, then he's got a major problem and needs help. My wife turning into a little sex goddess helped me. Do I still look at porn? Sometimes. My wife watches my favorite actresses sometimes to figure out how to act. It's really hot. Find out who he likes and watch her....not the act....watch her. Emulate her and see if that helps. Pick out some naughty lingerie or a hot dress and heels and do a little pornstar roleplay. Important part here - the key is though that you have to really enjoy it....not fake enjoy it. If you fake it...he will know.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

A lot depends on whether he is actually addicted to porn which I think is relatively rare, or using it to get off which I think is much more common. 

There is software you can put on your computer that will keep a record of what web sites were visited even if he goes through the process of erasing the browser history. That won't help you if he's using his phone, though. 

A previous commenter said you married a low quality guy which isn't very helpful. If he's a high quality guy in most ways, then he should be able to work on his problem. And you two have a source of conflict - having child #2 - which is the source of your issues. That has to be resolved. 

As far as being in competition with the women in porn. It depends on whether he has an addiction or not. Most guys don't and they use porn to help them get off. It's like getting a buzz or a contact high from the scene. It revs the motor so to speak. It's a physiological situation not an emotional one. If a guy has favorite actresses and imagines relationships with them that's sad and it's a big problem. 

I wouldn't attempt to turn yourself in to his private porn star unless it excites you. It would be going in the wrong direction and create more problems in the long run.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I agree with the above, in that it may not be an addiction. In fact, if he is to be believed and it's once a week or so, then no, it's not an addiction. Hell, if it's 2 or 3 times a week, I wouldn't classify it as an addiction.

It sounds like this is what others are mentioning here - a fear of getting you pregnant, possibly coupled with a general lack of interest in you, sexually. And it's probably not at all physical, so don't take his rejection that way.

Men are much, much more mentally stimulated than we're given credit for. It's not all T&A. I haven't read any of your other posts, so I can't comment on what it might be, but it's something.

I went through a period of several months where I had a difficult time finishing with my wife. It had nothing to do with pregnancy scares, but everything to do with a sudden change in how I viewed her sexually. It took me a while to wrap my mind around it, and in the meantime, my head was not in the game. It ended up being a vicious circle of resentment on her part ("what's wrong with you? why can't you finish?) to hurt ("what's wrong with me? are you not attracted to me any more?") to general avoidance.

We eventually talked about it, and things have returned to something close to normal. I still don't have the sexual passion for her that I once did, but that will never return, at least not the way it used to. But keep in mind, OP, my wife is not you. You do have a sex drive, and are sexual. My wife basically pretended to have one for the first few years of our marriage, and that is what I had to wrap my head around after discovering she, in fact, did not.

But communication is key. I don't think your husband is addicted to porn. More like he's using it as his safe outlet for his otherwise normal sexual needs during this period of, well, fear.

The bigger problem with this is that you want another child "more than air", and he does not. That has to be resolved one way or the other before your sex life can even begin to return to normal. You did say that he can have a vasectomy (and he refused, big surprise... What is wrong with some guys??? Anyway...) So that shows willingness on your part to bend to his wishes - which is good, and admirable.

So right now, he's "stuck". He doesn't want more kids, but he also won't have a vasectomy. The pill is not an ideal option, and affects you in negative ways. Condoms suck (and I assume this is probably his view, as well). And he's deathly afraid of finishing anywhere near you. So that leaves you at an impasse, mostly due to his reluctance to do anything to solve this issue.

So there's not easy answer here. If you are, in fact, totally okay with him having a vasectomy (and make damn sure you are, and it won't be an issue down the road for you), then that would seem to solve this problem. But you also can't sit down and try to convince him to have one, if he's adamant about not doing it, for whatever reason. I had one in my mid-20's (!!!) and I can tell you, it's no big deal. It's not pleasant, but it's certainly not painful.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

OP, I don't have any magic. Words of wisdom for you but wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. It is so easy for our husbands to minimize it as something all men do or "its not like I'm fu***ing anyone". I am not sure if they truly dont understand how it effects a wife. If this is something relatively recent then you have a good shot at addressing it successfully. Is he willing to get counseling? And not marriage counseling...I mean IC? Does he even see it as something that needs to be addressed? 

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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

intheory said:


> This statement is, of course, a complete contradiction^^^^^
> 
> The solution:
> 
> ...


And people wonder why that attitudes not a turn on....


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Him not being able to finish is likely physical sensation. He has become so familiar to the sensation that his hand gives that he is unable to climax without.

I had the same problem, when I was dry masturbating daily, I could not climax otherwise.

After 2 weeks of not masturbating I was able to enjoy a very mutually fulfilling sexual experience with my girlfriend.


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## jc0187 (Feb 16, 2013)

Some guys (and gals) watch porn for several reasons. Some are addicted to it. Some would rather be selfish and have self gratification. Some figure it's a job, or chore having sex because it takes a long time for their s/o to climax. Here's a question: does he know you want to have sex often? You probably already covered it somewhere so I apologize if it has.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Being a man, this is my perspective. Keep in mind, this may or may not be what is the complete problem, or solution.

It appears that you two have a severe communication problem, and is rooted in selfishness and resentment by the both of you. He is afraid of getting you pregnant, and you want to get pregnant. The only thing left to do now is compromise. You need to put off your wanting to get pregnant, and he needs to be comfortable knowing that he can trust you to keep it from happening. You need to build that trust a little at a time. You two need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, and in a mature and calm manner. Agree to not get mad about the other's differences. Bringing another child into the world is a HUGE deal, and has to be something that BOTH parents agree to.

My suggestion is to put away your own selfish desires first. That will be a starting point to build trust between the two of you. This absolutely HAS to be communicated unequivocally, or your marriage will continue to be unhappy.

If it's sex you truly want, get back on the pill and stay on it. Make sure he knows and trusts that you're doing it. In the meantime, you can suggest that y'all watch porn together (if he won't put it away on his own). You have to take control, but without making ultimatums. You could even give him a BJ, masturbate together, jack and jill, or whatever, to make that sexual connection again.

Yes, you have a right to feel the way you feel. It's normal. He IS being self-centered and selfish. If he still doesn't come around after the trust is assured, he is addicted, and his problem will need further attention. If that's the case, the best thing you can do is be an encouragement, and help him get the help he needs. If he won't admit to the problem, he won't seek help. If that's the case, you may then issue an ultimatum, or settle for what you have.

I have seen so many marriages end because one or both partners are so self-centered and selfish that they can't make a compromise when the opportunity presents itself. Communication is key to any long-lasting relationship. Two mature adults should, and must, be able to have rational discussions without producing anger and resentment.

I hope it works out for the both of you. Take my advice for what it's worth. I'm sure I don't know the whole story, just the little parts of it that I've seen posted.


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