# Is it all in my head? Am i the crazy one?



## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

I really don't know what else to do or no where else to turn at this point. I am in a really dark place and I'm living in it everyday and it's hard to get out. 😪 I have a fear of being alone from childhood traumas where I was always left alone. My husband isn't a great man. I just don't know why I haven't gotten the strength to finally walk away. He hasn't kept a consistent job since we been together. I'm the bread winner for our family and it's not easy at all. I've been emotionally abused and physical sometimes when I make him very mad but it's not a constant thing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried to admit myself into a mental hospital, and once he found out he told them no. I really need and want help for myself. It's been a month since we had sex because I can't stand for him to touch me it makes me cringe. I don't feel like a woman I don't feel feminine like I feel like the man of the house. We don't go on dates we don't spend quality time together. I've even started smoking supporting his habit to make how I feel go away. I work but don't do anything for myself I look and feel a mess. Working from home being inside a dark room with a computer even more depressing but I have to work from home because we have a daughter who is autistic and 3 other children to tend to. He is always talking about my mental how I need to get help but when I try he say it's all in my head nothing wrong with me I need to have a strong mind. Today he really made me upset as I'm working taking calls he come rub up against me saying he stuff was cleaned and ready to be handled. This is mid call with a client while at work. We just recently moved into a new house with cheaper rent because our condo rent went up 300 and I was not going to pay that alone plus our 600 dollar car Note. I don't mind working I've always been a hard worker, but I would love a partner to work as much as I do so we could have more. He doesn't make anything easy for me. Before moving into the new home my idea was to get the house alone because only my income was to show for it. And he threaten me that he will call the landlord make up some stuff and we all would be homeless before he not have a place to go and when he said that it scared me, because if you don't care about your kids being homeless it's something wrong. I'm starting to really hate this man. I talk and pray with my kids everyday that they don't be nothing like this monster and I am going to get the strength to leave.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Amy6789 said:


> I really don't know what else to do or no where else to turn at this point. I am in a really dark place and I'm living in it everyday and it's hard to get out. 😪 I have a fear of being alone from childhood traumas where I was always left alone. My husband isn't a great man. I just don't know why I haven't gotten the strength to finally walk away. He hasn't kept a consistent job since we been together. I'm the bread winner for our family and it's not easy at all. I've been emotionally abused and physical sometimes when I make him very mad but it's not a constant thing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried to admit myself into a mental hospital, and once he found out he told them no. I really need and want help for myself. It's been a month since we had sex because I can't stand for him to touch me it makes me cringe. I don't feel like a woman I don't feel feminine like I feel like the man of the house. We don't go on dates we don't spend quality time together. I've even started smoking supporting his habit to make how I feel go away. I work but don't do anything for myself I look and feel a mess. Working from home being inside a dark room with a computer even more depressing but I have to work from home because we have a daughter who is autistic and 3 other children to tend to. He is always talking about my mental how I need to get help but when I try he say it's all in my head nothing wrong with me I need to have a strong mind. Today he really made me upset as I'm working taking calls he come rub up against me saying he stuff was cleaned and ready to be handled. This is mid call with a client while at work. We just recently moved into a new house with cheaper rent because our condo rent went up 300 and I was not going to pay that alone plus our 600 dollar car Note. I don't mind working I've always been a hard worker, but I would love a partner to work as much as I do so we could have more. He doesn't make anything easy for me. Before moving into the new home my idea was to get the house alone because only my income was to show for it. And he threaten me that he will call the landlord make up some stuff and we all would be homeless before he not have a place to go and when he said that it scared me, because if you don't care about your kids being homeless it's something wrong. I'm starting to really hate this man. I talk and pray with my kids everyday that they don't be nothing like this monster and I am going to get the strength to leave.


@Amy6789 I haven't read your other posts yet so I'm sure I'm missing some details but I will say this right away.

You need to start reaching out immediately to women shelters, police, churches, friends, family, whoever can help you.
Do NOT stay with an abuser.
Get yourself and your kids somewhere safe. Do not stay with this man.

You mention your kids and what they will be like if they are around this monster...so protect them! Run away!

You're a praying woman and that's good. Go to churches in your area for help!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I think you already know you need to leave him.

Step 1 - talk to an attorney.
Step 2 - consider reporting past abuse to the police, because you may need a restraining order.
Step 3 - pull the trigger on having him served

There will be a ton of emotions involved in that, but you have to push through on the tasks needed to change your situation. You aren't proceeding due to fear. You will be stuck in the same place you are forever, which is hell, if you don't take the steps to get out of it.

When going through hell, keep going..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Amy, reach out immediately to Domestic Violence shelter/councellor. Being at home working all the time and carrying such a heavy burden is bound to affect your mental health.
@re16 has listed what you need to do also.
Keep a voice activated recorder on you (or your smart phone) and record all your interactions (esp the angry ones). Keep a journal to remind yourself of all the **** he does, it is useful when you start to feel weak and want to back out. Remember you are also doing this for your kids, it is no way for the kids to live seeing their mum being taking for granted like this.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's not all in your head but your very real mental health concerns make it tougher to trust yourself. 

You do need to get rid of him because of the physical abuse. Once he's gone you can get better help for yourself. He's the biggest problem.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

www.thehotline.com

learn to use your browser’s “in private” or “incognito” mode

learn to delete your browser history, including individual page visits so it looks less suspicious

you need help from experts in real life, with years of experience dealing with abusive situations

we can support you emotionally here, but most are not seasoned experts and none are engaging you face to face or in phone conversations, so we are effectively not seeing a full enough picture to advice as wisely as others could

it is not in your mind. He is abusive. It can escalate. You need to choose your steps wisely with the benefits of experts. But you need to take them. It shouldn’t stay like this.


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## billyroberts (10 mo ago)

You have mentioned your children and what they'll be at risk if they're in the vicinity of this monster...so take care to keep them safe, run.


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