# Wife wants mediation, but I'm already trying!



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I had made a fair (IMO) proposal to my STBXW about child custody. She lives thousands of miles away and moved there for good back in August. The kids have been with me. I have offered the standard visitation that Texas offers and the standard child support (25%). She feels it's not fair because I get the kids more than she does. She's right, but she is unable to see the reality of living thousands of miles away. She wants mediation, but I don't know what that will accomplish because I feel there is not much flexibility to the long distance parenting. If she wants to have extra visits with the kids, I would not get in the way. BOTH parents need to be a part of their lives as much as possible. But she also knows she can not afford airline tickets every month also. Just frustrating that she's unable to see that I'm trying to be "fair".
Should I do mediation? Will the mediator respect the fact that I'm already trying to meet her 50/50 and that I'm not fighting for sole custody, etc.?
What should I do?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Why are you even considering this? Didn't your lawyer tell you that once she's been out of the house for 6 months that its a slam dunk for abandonment and full custody of the kids?

She doesn't have a leg to stand on, why are you even negotiating this with her? What happened to change the situation? She ABANDONED YOU and the CHILDREN. There's nothing to discuss. Stop trying to be fair now, you've been more than accomodating. She's been using your sense of fairness against you. Time to put an end to that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Amen to Mayhem.

Seriously. SHE LEFT. SHE MOVED. What kind of mother moves THOUSANDS of miles away from her children?! Holy crap! 

Screw her and her whining. Do right by you and the kids.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Does your state mandate mediation? I really don't see that you would gain or lose anything by it. It would just be a waste of money. You would probably be better off in the judge's chambers, since your wife abandoned you and the children.

If the children are primarily living with you, why would you pay child support?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I don't understand the child support from you if they are with you most.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's her saying we should negotiate child support instead of the state's 25% version because she feels she can't afford that, medical insurance (50/50) and all the airfare tickets she would have to purchase. 
I'm just trying to think about the kids. They need a mommy as much as they need a daddy. Pisses me off she prefers to live far away. I'm not going to go less that what the state of Texas offers because that's pretty tough on me too (kids gone for 6 weeks in summer).
I want mommy to be a part of their lives, but not under her terms, which are screwed too say the least.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

she will find a way to pay.

that's life.

She's sickening. Leaves her kids, then complains about not affording things. Better get a 2nd job, lady.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> It's her saying we should negotiate child support instead of the state's 25% version because she feels she can't afford that, medical insurance (50/50) and all the airfare tickets she would have to purchase.
> I'm just trying to think about the kids. They need a mommy as much as they need a daddy. Pisses me off she prefers to live far away. I'm not going to go less that what the state of Texas offers because that's pretty tough on me too (kids gone for 6 weeks in summer).
> I want mommy to be a part of their lives, but not under her terms, which are screwed too say the least.


I am not sure if TX has laws about abandonment... Does she want them for 6 wks at a time in the summer? She made her choices and yes they need their mommy but you don't have to make it easy for her. In some counties in TX a co-parenting class is required before divorce is permitted does that apply to you? I think the fact she left and moved away the judges would side with you on many issues (she's probably very nervous about that).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your agreement that she will pay you child support?

How many weeks a summer do you get the children? To me it looks like you will have them for only 2 weeks. Is that really enough for you to enjoy them and be the fun dad for a while?

There is a very good reason for you to not give in... acutally a lot of good reasons. But one is that if she values her children she will move back to be closer to them if it's too hard for her to have time with them.

If you are not mandated to go to mediation by the court, do not go. And if you do go just stick by your offer. You do not have to agree to anything in mediation. They will push you to make an agreement but you do not have to agree. 

It sounds to me like you will need to go to court over this.

My suggestion if you go to court is that you change your approach and go for 100% custody with her having as little out of state contact with the kids as possible.

She has abandoned her children.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Well the airfare is all on her isn't it? If she wants to have a bigger part in your kids lives she needs to bend not you. I've followed your story and don't recall her moving that far being anyone's idea but hers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

joe kidd said:


> Well the airfare is all on her isn't it. If she wants to have a bigger part in your kids lives she needs to bend not you. I've followed your story and don't recall her moving that far being anyone's idea but hers.


If memory serves, she has a bit of a difficult time with that whole "taking responsibility" angle.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> It's her saying we should negotiate child support instead of the state's 25% version because she feels she can't afford that, medical insurance (50/50) and all the airfare tickets she would have to purchase.
> I'm just trying to think about the kids. They need a mommy as much as they need a daddy. Pisses me off she prefers to live far away. I'm not going to go less that what the state of Texas offers because that's pretty tough on me too (kids gone for 6 weeks in summer).
> I want mommy to be a part of their lives, but not under her terms, which are screwed too say the least.



Stop negotiating with her, your legal team should be holding out for you. She made her choice she needs to live by it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

TX definition for abandonment for divorce purposes:
ABANDONMENT. the court may grant a divorce in favor of one spouse if the other spouse: (1) left the complaining spouse with the intention of abandonment; and (2) remained away for at least one year. 

Googling child abandonment in TX... it talks about no financial support and lack of contact. The court may actually feel that she made the move and maybe you can work it out so every other summer you get more time or something esp since you won't be working and she will have them in daycare.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Her dad is trying to persuade mediation to us. I think he's trying to use it as a way of convincing his daughter that what I'm offering is the best she's gonna get. She told me it's not fair and would I think it's fair if the roles were reversed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Her dad is trying to persuade mediation to us. I think he's trying to use it as a way of convincing his daughter that what I'm offering is the best she's gonna get. She told me it's not fair and would I think it's fair if the roles were reversed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, let your lawyer deal with her, to protect your children keep them close to you. She had zero concern when she left home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HoustonDad,

Are the two of you trying to do this divorce without lawyers?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I have a lawyer. She doesn't and prefers we don't use one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I have a lawyer. She doesn't and prefers we don't use one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course she prefers that. She knows that she is screwed. Man you have been more than generous, it's time she gets a dose of real life.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Amen to Mayhem.
> 
> Seriously. SHE LEFT. SHE MOVED. What kind of mother moves THOUSANDS of miles away from her children?! Holy crap!
> 
> Screw her and her whining. Do right by you and the kids.


:iagree::iagree:

She abandoned the family, end of discussion. If it gets nasty then it gets nasty.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey everyone. Here in Texas, a judge will send us to mediation if we can not agree before coming to court. So it looks like I'll might as well get it outta the way.

My STBXW called to ask if I could meet for mediation later this month. The mediator is a current judge who does mediation on the side. She wants to charge each of us $600 for 1/2 a day. Ouch. Isn't that kinda high for mediation? I know mediation can be worth it vs duking it out in court, but I thought mediation was 1/2 that amount?!?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh, and here's her "rebuttal" as to what she suggests regarding child custody and finances. I changed our names to protect our identity with "husband" and "wife". Also, the ( ) are my additions.

From my STBXW:
Due to our circumstances the typical Texas child custody/visitation may not be in the best interest in our children. I want to create an agreement that reflects what is in the best interests of our children. I believe that our children need to have both a mother and father in their lives as much as possible. I also believe that their needs will change from time to time as well.
Financial Responsibilites:
I would like both of us to split the financial support of our kids 50/50. Financial support would include:
medical
dental
travel
clothing
education
other miscellanous items :summer camps, sports, etc
The parent that does not have the kids for the month will pay child support.
If we want to use Texas recommendation of 25% then here is the formula to determine the amount:
About.com: ... ulator.pdf 
Here are the state statues that talk about what is considered in determining a child support amount:
http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.us/D ... FA.154.htm
keep in mind the following are considered when determining an amount in a court:
amount for travel to see other parent
amount of time each parent has the kids
annual agreement of living arrangements:
I would like for us to arrange a date each year to discuss the kids living arrangements for the upcoming school year.
For example living arrangements/visitation for the upcoming year might be defined as follows:
The parent that has the kids for the 2012- 2013 school year:
would get the kids the first 2 weeks and the last 2 weeks of summer
The other parent would get the kids for the 8 weeks in the middle of summer and have the kids for all of:
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Break
Assets and Debts
House
"Husband" can keep the house(there's no equity by the way) and all furnishings in it. Wife’s name must be taken off the loan- so that way she is no longer responsible for that debt.
"Wife" would like one last opportunity to go through the house and pick up her belongings, artwork, and anything else that "husband" does not want.
Cars
"Husband" will keep his car
"Wife" will keep her car and pay off the remaining loan amount(about $2500)
Credit Card Debt
We will split the credit card debt 50/50 as of Sept 1
All other debt after that date is the responsibility of that individual.
Student loans
"Husband" will be resopnsible for his student loans
Retirement/ Savings
"Husband" will keep his retirement savings: TRS, Roth IRA, IRA
"Wife" will keep her retirement savings: TRS, Roth IRA, IRA, 403B
Money market account- "Husband" can keep whatever balance is in the account


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Oh I hope you are thinking... NO way! If I remember right you are a teacher, you are often busy the first two wks and the last two weeks of summer (so you miss out) and the other parent getting all the holidays is BS too. She chose this... let YOUR LAWYER handle it and hopefully you have a bulldog of a lawyer! She would be getting way too much! All of that is much more than TX would allow for. Eight wks while they wouldn't even have her at home. Ergg


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

so your ex wants you to cough up for travel expenses! she's freaking nuts. then if i'm correct she wants them to attend 1 year of school in minn, and next year texas? where's that in the kids best interest? buddy if you agree to ANY of this crap,you're just as crazy as her. F--mediation. go to trial where you know the judge WILL make a fool outta her. you're letting her get away with way too much.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

dude, you should be going for 100% custody with reasonable visitation rights. Really. She is living in Neverneverland if she thinks she has any sort of bargaining power here. 

Do you have laws about desertion in Texas?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

67flh said:


> so your ex wants you to cough up for travel expenses! she's freaking nuts. then if i'm correct she wants them to attend 1 year of school in minn, and next year texas? where's that in the kids best interest? buddy if you agree to ANY of this crap,you're just as crazy as her. F--mediation. go to trial where you know the judge WILL make a fool outta her. you're letting her get away with way too much.



Oh so TRUE to different states w/ many differences in curriculum is also not in the best interest of the kids esp with the STAAR kicking in.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Houstondad....I live in Houston too. Lol...

Don't let her run over you! She's the one who moved away. Then she's the one who gets to pay travel expenses. My husband has a son in another state who lives with his mother. He pays her child support and also pays for all his travel to fly to see his son, hotel while he is there, etc. He would never think of asking her to share that expense! Nor would she even entertain that thought!

I dated a guy who was getting a divorce several years back (before getting married). He went to mediation with his wife. They wasted the whole day and got nowhere. He had to pay all that money and it was useless.

Let your lawyer handle this. I would refuse to discuss the divorce with her otherwise. If you keep on, you're going to get screwed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

yea if houstondad don't get his head outta his behind, he's gonna be on here asking for donations so he can fly to minnasota to see his kids.


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