# Signs of flirting but not necessarily cheating



## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

What should I look out for to tell if she is flirting but not cheating at work? Also how does it affect a married woman that gets attention at work from older men


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How long have you been married? What are your ages? How long has she been at her job?

What type of flirting have you noticed?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think you would be better served to have a moderator( @EleGirl @Lila @MattMatt can help) merge your thread from the new member section here. It will save you from having to re-write a lot of info that is pertinent.
To answer your question here different women are affected differently by attention from older men.
As far as the flirting/cheating goes, the only way to tell is to get into her phone and social media accounts and see if there are messages. I think you already said you didn't have her passcode in your other thread.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Upon further review, I think you are in deep doodoo.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You know exactly what your wife is doing.
She is cheating on you at work. More then likely she is the third with the husband and wife she was supposed to go out with.
Pull your head out of the sand and show some self respect.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

It’s been said already,time to man up and cut the bull****. She is pulling the wool over your eyes and you are allowing her to do so. Were I you and she was my wife, I would be playing hardball. She doesn’t want you seeing her phone, didn’t want you going to parti with her, GNO’s are definitely a red flag especially at her age. I think you are being duped. You’re rug sweeping the situation yourself so she doesn’t have to.
I would inform her that “ yes, I love you, but I feel something fishy is going on. Now I want XYZ to happen and I want it to happen now” then I would pass her divorce papers and let her know that she has the power to stop the proceedings. If not, remember you are the power.
i hope it’s as you feel, but I don’t think so. Wishing you well in your trials.

OT


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Saints1234 said:


> What should I look out for to tell if she is flirting but not cheating at work? Also how does it affect a married woman that gets attention at work from older men


I am rather concerned about your responses. There is a possiblity that your wife could be cheating. Cheaters do exactly the same stuff your wife has been doing.

Top sign of cheating - hiding/guarding the phone.

Second top sign of cheating - change in behavior - cold, distant, maybe annoyed - increase in sex or intensity in sex, or decrease in sex or decrease in intensity.

I read your post about the sacred privacy of the work phone, like your wife is the only person in the world who ever had a work phone. Listen, practically every company has a policy that the phone is private and, more importantly, that the phone is for use of business only. At best only for incidental personal use. INCIDENTAL. So if your wife is using her phone on social media, web surfing at home, etc., she is very likely violating her information security policy at her company. Why don't you just ask her to show you the policy? Then ask why she follows the privacy policy but not the business use policy?

I have a work phone and a work laptop and I don't care if my wife or kids use it. They aren't going to steal any company secrets. Do you think your wife really thinks you are going to steal her customer info and sell it or use it to defraud? Do you think her clients' request for loans has some deep dark national security interests that you can't see? Do you think my kids or wife care one bit any information from my company? And your wife is telling you that you cannot even see her phone while she keeps it in her hand and just shows you the screen.

Your wife's behavior is not indicative of "flirting but not cheating." You seem really, really invested in the idea of "she is NOT cheating." I hope you are not too blinded to see that her behavior looks more like cheating that flirting.

As far as flirting, and flirting alone, not cheating - I personally consider it to be extremely disrespectful. TO ME, it's like the wife is sayng, I THINK YOU ARE HOT. I may see a dozen (pre-virus) women on any given day who I think are really hot. But you know what? I don't actually tell them that, not in a cutesy way, and not even if they do so to me. That is because of respect for my wife.

Anyway, you've brought your feelings to your wife, and she's dismissed you. You have been dismissed. Please go back and sit down and wait for me to come home later to ignore you.

Cheating or not, flirting or not, you have a bigger problem - you are not happy with your marriage. You feel your wife is not committed to you, does not care for your feelings, do not try to make you happy. The cheating or flirting, or lack thereof, happens all outside of your house. But even inside your house, you have problems.

What do people do when that happens? You can't possibly think you're the first. Get a counselor if you need help in navigating your marriage issues. Ask your wife to join you. Do so anyway even if she declines.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm sorry if I seem a little harsh. Too blunt. I mean to be, because you don't seem to get it. I'm really not that much of a hard ass, and I do have some sympathy for you. Empathy even. Maybe your marriage is fine, but I don't think you understand, many who post like you lose their marriage soon after. Your wife may not be a phase, or at least not a short-term phase. Your wife's hobbies are: (1) thinking guys are hot (2) being the hottest woman in the office (3) drinking and dancing with men not my husband (4) going to the types of bars I would call "singles" bars - guys and women go there to get "social" with attractive of the opposite sex.

As I've gotten older, I gain weight more easily. It helps me if I stay away from temptation. So I don't keep chocolate, potato chips, unhealthy snacks in the house. How long can you tempt the things you like without partaking?


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

I agree and I have been paying attention as much as I can. And yes I have ask for the phone since last post and the answer is still no. I do think she is worried about this new girl (admin) thats fixing time start working in her office, and I think she is a little intimidated by another female that maybe younger & she told me she overheard her boss ask another male if she is “worried about a younger female” “cause she (my wife) has been asking how old she is. I think she Is worried that she might be second fiddle to the new girl. Also during the conversation she was talking about what the other interviews wore and she said “I’ll just dress even better” . I have asked her to leave after a few arguments we’ve had about these threads, but she says things will work out and she doesn’t want to divorce. But still no sex and no phone. I feel like she doesn’t truly understand meme needs. I have read and listen to ester perel and a lot of why I learned from Perel I see happening to my wife. Anyway thanks again for the advice


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Your being gaslighted? Use a little pity to hide the truth of the matter.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Saints1234 said:


> But still no sex and no phone. I feel like she doesn’t truly understand meme needs. I have read and listen to ester perel and a lot of why I learned from Perel I see happening to my wife. Anyway thanks again for the advice



Saints my man! You know whats going on but just don't want to admit it. She has little or no romantic interest in you, gets her cookies sashaying around the guys at work and gawd only knows who else, and doesn't give a rats azz about your needs. When a woman loses romantic interest, your needs are of no concern to her. She's keep you around for kicks Dawg and doesn't want to give up any territory just in case she want to deplete what's left of your resources. She gets all the free oil she wants and you don't even get to pump the well. Let reality sink in. In the long run, its your friend.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course she doesn’t want a divorce. Why would she? She has you for security and she has the office for a little fun. She’s not going anywhere.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Saints you need to read No More Mr Nice Guy.
You need to file for divorce to show your cheating wife that you mean business. Then you need to follow through with it.

Or just continue to be a door mat and learn to enjoy it. There are those that get off knowing their wife is enjoying herself with others. Maybe this is you seeing how you won’t do anything to put a stop to it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Saints1234 said:


> What should I look out for to tell if she is *flirting but not cheating* at work?


Well, cheating is defined as breaking your agreement. Have you agreed between you that a certain level of flirting with other people is OK? 

The fact that she won't show you, does suggest that *she *thinks what she's doing is unacceptable to you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> *But still no sex and no phone. I feel like she doesn’t truly understand meme needs. *


Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

She understands your needs just fine. She just doesn't give a rat's ass about them, is all.

And as long as you're going to be afraid of your own shadow, she'll *continue* to call all the shots while you stand helplessly by, letting her.


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
> 
> She understands your needs just fine. She just doesn't give a rat's ass about them, is all.
> 
> And as long as you're going to be afraid of your own shadow, she'll *continue* to call all the shots while you stand helplessly by, letting her.


So what’s your recommendation for me?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You have two threads full of advice, read them again and follow the posts. The first thing you have to do is stop defending your wife’s actions. Even if she isn’t cheating physically, you are being disrespected.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, please stop reading Esther Perel. Her theories will allow your wife to justify her cheating, but won't help you deal with it. If you want to read about couples therapy, you're better off with Shirley Glass and the Gottmanns, imo.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Saints1234 said:


> So what’s your recommendation for me?


File for divorce to show that what she is doing is cheating. Then she will either change her ways (meaning she still loves you and doesn’t want to lose you).

Or

Then she will go a long with the divorce proving she doesn’t care a bit about you.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> So what’s your recommendation for me?


Seriously? Page after page of good advice here and you ask this question? You have crossed the line from seeking advice to playing the victim. You show weakness which will never win your wife back. You are in this situation so what are you going to do about it? Dude, it's time to grow a pair and take action.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Saints1234 said:


> So what’s your recommendation for me?


My opinion is Perel is an apologist for cheaters. I wonder if she cheated.

My advice for you is based on your current mindset, being you don't think she's cheating, she's flirting. Your complaints, in no particular order, not order of importance:
1. Not spending time with you
2. No sex
3. Flirting with old rich guys who are applying for high-end real estate loans
4. Worried about her behavior of acting single, going out with friends to single-type stuff, drinking, texting, possibly sexting
5. Deception and secrecy, hiding communications, not wanting you to be with her when she's with other people that you suspect she flirts with

You are temporarily unhappy and you are looking for easy answers in my opinion. Like you could do or say something fairly easy, she will start to act more like you want her to act.

My advice is to do nothing in particular. Do whatever you've been doing that you think has helped at all. Eventually, it will begin to work, she will become more like you want her to be, or she will become further away from what you want.

In situations like yours, where you are tenuous to make her angry, because she is in a vulnerable phase of ready to leave you, many guys just complain a lot about it, do basically what you do, and what happens is eventually, a few days, weeks, months, you have enough of the disrespect, and you are willing to take more of a direct stand. Many guys, once they lay it all on the line, stop your cheatin' ways or I'm divorcin' you, the cheater comes back, but not usually without some bluffing on saying, "OK, go ahead and divorce me."

You must admit, your wife is much bolder than you, cheaters are like that, generally, more willing to take risks, roll the dice, even with the family and lifestyle on the line. Many betrayeds are more risk-averse.

What it comes down to is that your wife is taking you for granted and may not stop until she realizes she might lose you. Of course, you'd think if she's cavorting and doing cheating-type behaviors, doing the things she's doing, you might think she already should know she's risking you. But she knows you well, she pushed you an inch by inch, to test you, then started taking a yard when you didn't do too much about it. The real truth is you can't control her, only yourself.

I'm sure you'll be OK in the end, whether you are with your wife or not. 



> What should I look out for to tell if she is flirting but not cheating at work? Also how does it affect a married woman that gets attention at work from older men


It's a weird question, because you don't leave a lot of background info, but I read your other posts. I am assuming you don't want to know all the possibilities, like many married women would shut that stuff down pronto, tell the old dudes to cut it off or you'll get a sexual harassment complaint against you. In your situation, you have already discounted that it could lead to cheating. So what else is there to say. She just enjoys it, but she will not cheat because of things you know about her which you are keeping a secret from posting. From my point of view, and what you described, your wife will do what's needed to be number one "it" girl, so if she has to get a little more permissive in allowing guys to touch her a bit, or her touch them, she'll do what she needs to do. It's the most important thing for her, it is how she defines herself. It's like a baseball pitcher defining himself as having the top fastball. One, you never know when some new guy is going to come up and displace you, and two, as you get older, you can't throw the heat like you used to. Time is going to defeat you eventually. Same as your wife and her top girl aspirations.


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> My opinion is Perel is an apologist for cheaters. I wonder if she cheated.
> 
> My advice for you is based on your current mindset, being you don't think she's cheating, she's flirting. Your complaints, in no particular order, not order of importance:
> 1. Not spending time with you
> ...


I like your advice, thanks, and yes we cant control whats out of our control, but i can tell you, her mood swings and frustrations that i have posted have really hit me hard. Honestly i still have not seen any physical signs of her cheating, i firmly believe she just enjoys the attention at her job and it drives me ****ing nuts that she wont let me see her cell phone. She is the type that goes by the book always and that to drives me nuts. Things have been better the last week or so, but i do feel i get taken for granted because I do 90% of the house chores and 100% of the outside chores, i make less than her with the new job i took about 18 months ago which makes me feel a little weird, but took the job so i could be with her and the family more. What i am saying (bias of course) is that i have sacrificed, compromised and have been patient throughout this phase, and feel she "literally" doesn't recognize what she is doing or acknowledge how her actions effect me. She has said on many occasions everything is OK and it takes time to get back to normal. the one thing that i think about periodically is when the sex has left our relationship (it has in the past) whats the cause? is she thinking of someone else? is there a new customer that has her mind? or is it just typical married life?

thanks again out of retirement good stuff


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