# how to revive sex life?



## m.molloy (Jan 24, 2009)

7 months ago i had a baby. before i got pregnant hubby and me had a great sexlife, even for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy it was still very good but one time around the 12 week mark we were making love and he put his fingers in and to me it felt like he was fumbling with the cervix and i asked him not to be so rough because of the baby. if i hadn't been pregnant i would have loved it but i just got a fright about baby and blurted it out. after that he was afraid to make love, which is understandable after what i had said, but even since baby was born his sex drive hasn't returned, i believe. i tried to initiate a few times a week but most of the time there would either be no response or he would loose his erection. to make it worse,he has recently started "taking and interest" but whenever he starts to initiate lovemaking i respond at first, but within a few minutes i suddenly start feeling very unsexy because i think that he only want to have sex to keep me happy and not because he wants to. even though i wouldn't refuse him he has noticed that i don't get "wet" which isn't good for him either because he must think that i don't fancy him anymore and that sex is a chore for me. which in a way it has become because i think that he's only doing it to keep me happy. i have told him that when he asked me, but he says that he doesn't do it just to keep me happy but becasue he wants to make love to me.
i have lost all my baby weight and have my flat tummy since 6 weeks after giving birth, so i don't think that the problems arise from me feeling fat or hubby seeing me as fat.
i just don't know how to break this cycle and revive our sexlive to the way it was before baby number 3 was born.
my other kids are 7 and 10 years old by the way


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

WELCOME ABOARD​
I am sure that in time things will happen again for the two of you just take BABY STEPS ... I am sure that he will understand that. 

But, things will happen. I am sure that he is wanting something & your just not up to it as of yet ... but then again you might be so ... just take a little time ... BABY STEPS !!

I had all of mine C - Section so it took awhile for me and when it did happen it was WORTH THE WAIT !!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

m.molloy said:


> i just don't know how to break this cycle and revive our sexlive to the way it was before baby number 3 was born.


You are already on track for things to get better. He has gone from perhaps scared to disinterested to interested over several months. You can't expect instant change from some people. Also your own sexual response is flagging by your own admission, so this is being reflected back to him. 

For me, nothing is more erotic than enthusiasm. You have enthusiasm for the project - it is weak, but it is getting stronger. His enthusiasm is also clearly increasing little by little. 

All you need to do is really make the most of him, and demonstrate as much enthusiasm as possible. One thing that really makes sex go with a bang is to vocalise as much as possible. It can still be sexy without being loud, but quite frankly, the louder the better, kids etc. permitting.

Are you and he comfortable about talking sex? If so tell him you are really getting into it again, and suggest you use a bit of KY jelly until you get back up to full lubrication. This stuff is amazing - and no, I'm not on their payroll 

How old are you by the way, and how is the general tone of the marriage outside of sex?


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## m.molloy (Jan 24, 2009)

i'm 29 and my husband is 41. talking about sex isn't really done, whenever i mention it he'll say something like "i was waiting for you in the bath last night, but you didn't come in" or "you were already asleep when i came to bed last night". but even though he seems to start being interested again, and whenever he initiates at times when it is possible to have sex, we do have sex, it just isn't much fun for me because i feel like a charity case. i don't know how to get over that feeling.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

m.molloy said:


> but even though he seems to start being interested again, and whenever he initiates at times when it is possible to have sex, we do have sex, it just isn't much fun for me because i feel like a charity case. i don't know how to get over that feeling.


Practise!

You both went cold, perhaps at different times, but now you're warming up. Give it time. 


m.molloy said:


> whenever i mention it he'll say something like "i was waiting for you in the bath last night, but you didn't come in" or "you were already asleep when i came to bed last night".


He simply sounds a little timid. The force with which you told him to stop touching you when you were pregnant probably shocked him. He was probably really turned on at the time and it was like being woken abruptly from a deep and pleasant sleep - very jarring. After that, he was probably associating being really turned on with you snapping at him. That reaction is now wearing off. Be kind and gentle, abut also be inviting.

Did you not have sex again during pregnancy after that?


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

Having a baby can be very stressful on a man! There are things the new dads go through that we dont even think about. how will provide for this baby? how will I not screw up the baby? etc...
I agree with m22's post a lot of it might lie in what she said.
everything has changed now for both of you. For the better of course, but this kind of change can be very scarey, especially for a man. I dont think his sex drive has gone down. I dont know, Ive never really heard of that happening to men, but his sex drive could have diminished some as a side effect due to the stress/distress he's been feeling.
I know the baby is still small, but maybe if you got away from him for a night? IT doesnt have to be overnight, but leave him with a trusted family member or sitter, and go out and have a nice dinner/movie together. Then rent a nice hotel room, have a couple of drinks, and see what happens!
Good luck and congrats on the baby!


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