# To stay or leave? 6.5 years together & 2 kids



## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

This will probably be rather long but I am looking for some input. I have a little over a week to decide to get divorced or stay married. The reason for the deadline is money, if we file now then its only $380 but if we wait then my husband loses his legal insurance and we have to pay $2500. So here is the back story of the past 4 years...

April 2010 We broke up (honestly don't remember why) but things were obviously bad back then if we chose to break up. So I started hanging out with my other ex bf more (had stayed friends after our break up) but would still come home to my now husband and we would still sleep together. I never did anything with my other ex but make out and I even told my husband about it. Well my husband and I obviously got back together and a month later I ended up pregnant and my husband denied that it was his kid and told his family it wasn't his kid. His mom blasted my facebook calling me a cheating wh*re and my husband took her side. None of his family ended up coming to my baby shower. Went thru absolute hell for the 9 months of my pregnancy. Had the baby and got a DNA test which proved he was the father and not once got an apology from anyone. 

Sept 2011 Female coworker tries to get with him and his response is "are you drunk?". Not sure what else was said cause he deleted the convo.

Nov 2011 We got married.

May 2012 He makes friends with a female coworker. I find out I am pregnant again.

August 2012 He starts school and I gave up working to be a stay at home mom so that he could still work full time and go to school.

Oct 2012 I find out he has been cheating on me with that female coworker he met in May.

Jan 2012 Finally stops cheating on me and cuts off ties with the coworker even though he had promised me numerous times during earlier months that he was done with her.

Feb 2012 Had our 2nd baby

Since the whole cheating on me he has lied and hid numerous things about other girls. He has deleted texts from other girls. I have had to find out things by going thru the phone bill or by other people telling me. 

Now I had a male friend for 3 years that I talked to regularly and my husband was always accusing me of cheating on him with this male friend. He would go thru my phone and would call me a liar about everything. He was just constantly up my ass about everything. Well he finally took it too far and now the male friend isn't talking to me anymore because my husband tried to sabotage his relationship with his gf that he has been with for 4 years. Also this male friend lives 500 miles away. I even went as far as taking a 2 month break from talking to this male friend and as soon as we started talking again my husband was right back up my butt again.

Well now I have a new male friend, we know each other from high school. Been friends for 2-3 weeks now. My husband has met him. We both have made it perfectly clear that its a platonic friendship. Well my husband went thru my phone twice and even went as far as driving around stalking us.

I can't take the jealousy and insecurities anymore. He wants to have female friends and me to be ok with it and not give him a hard time about it but he doesn't want me to have male friends. I haven't treated him like sh*t or given him hell since he cheated on me but he is the one always up my butt. He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him. Everything has to be about him. Everything is a double standard. My feelings and thoughts don't matter. It doesn't matter what I want.

He claims he wants this fresh start and to let go of the past and stop with the jealousy and insecurities and have trust for each other but I don't ever think that can happen. I don't think he will ever change.

We tried marriage counseling and a marriage retreat and neither worked. He is currently in counseling for himself but no improvement yet. 

If you were me, would you stay?

Oh and now because we talked about divorce, his family has disowned me and I am not welcome around them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your relationship started off dysfunctional, and it's only gotten worse over time. There's nothing to save. You don't give a single reason to not go your own ways. 

I just feel bad for the kids, as I suspect co-parenting is not going to be easy, and the two of you still haven't learned from your mistakes. Here's a hint for you... Read "Not Just Friends". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> Your relationship started off dysfunctional, and it's only gotten worse over time. There's nothing to save. You don't give a single reason to not go your own ways.
> 
> I just feel bad for the kids, as I suspect co-parenting is not going to be easy, and the two of you still haven't learned from your mistakes. Here's a hint for you... Read "Not Just Friends".
> 
> ...


I think co-parenting will be extremely easy. It just baffles me that people think that people of the opposite sex can't be just friends. Since when? So I should never talk to a male and he should never talk to a female? Kinda hard when he works 12 hours a day with a female in an ambulance and develops that friendship. What ever happened to the days when people just trusted each other and had no worries about their spouse being friends with someone of the opposite sex? Why is everyone so up tight lately? I'm not going to control him and I expect the same from him. If he becomes friends with a female should I demand he ends it? Umm that is a little ridiculous.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just as an FYI, I have opposite sex friends. One in particular I would consider a very good friend. But you know what? If that friendship started causing my SO anxiety and stress, I would scale that back and phase it out. Because in the end, my relationship with my SO is more important than the one with my friend. If that's not the case for you, that's a big sign that perhaps your marriage isn't very high on your priority list. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> Just as an FYI, I have opposite sex friends. One in particular I would consider a very good friend. But you know what? If that friendship started causing my SO anxiety and stress, I would scale that back and phase it out. Because in the end, my relationship with my SO is more important than the one with my friend. If that's not the case for you, that's a big sign that perhaps your marriage isn't very high on your priority list.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It isn't just one male friend he has an issue with. He doesn't want me talking to any males at all. But he wants to be able to have female friends. He is the one who cheated. It's a double standard. If I can't have male friends or even talk to males at all then why should he be allowed to talk to females and have female friends? He meets my male friends and says he likes them but still continues to be up my butt about them. He even once thought there was something going on between me and his middle brother.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So go back to my first paragraph, then... Give one reason (besides the kids) why you should stay together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> So go back to my first paragraph, then... Give one reason (besides the kids) why you should stay together?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I ask myself that all the time but I can't imagine living without him. I try so hard to stick to my guns and leave him and file for divorce but then I look at him and a flood of emotions go thru me, all the love I have for him and how things are great when we aren't fighting. It is just a really difficult decision.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I get the impression there is alot of growing up to do

Both of you

55


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## RuralMama (Jun 18, 2014)

I am sorry you are struggling. If you love him, you should give him a chance. If he wants to start fresh, you should attempt it. Sit down and talk about what a fresh start would look like. Can you each make a list of what makes you feel loved? There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman that really helped me understand HOW my husband received love. It was time. For me it is Touch and word of encouragement. He takes every opportunity to encourage me and constantly pats me on the back or holds my hand. I feel loved. That might just be what he needs. Just a thought friend. Hope it works out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Take a look at "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

RuralMama said:


> I am sorry you are struggling. If you love him, you should give him a chance. If he wants to start fresh, you should attempt it. Sit down and talk about what a fresh start would look like. Can you each make a list of what makes you feel loved? There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman that really helped me understand HOW my husband received love. It was time. For me it is Touch and word of encouragement. He takes every opportunity to encourage me and constantly pats me on the back or holds my hand. I feel loved. That might just be what he needs. Just a thought friend. Hope it works out.


We have that book lol. I try to do everything to meet his love languages but he doesn't meet mine. He thinks mine is gifts and I keep telling him that it isn't and that I want acts of service. We tried a "fresh start" after the marriage retreat which was probably 8 months ago and since then everything has gotten worse. He keeps saying he will do all these things and try to be better but his actions speak louder than his words.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

kmarie328 said:


> I ask myself that all the time but I can't imagine living without him. I try so hard to stick to my guns and leave him and file for divorce but then I look at him and a flood of emotions go thru me, all the love I have for him and how things are great when we aren't fighting. It is just a really difficult decision.


You sound codependent. You can imagine living without him if you allow yourself to.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This situation is so messed up. You should have never gotten married in the first place. Why did you? You were in love with your ex who you were still making out with, your husband turned his family against you like a pit of vipers, husband was cheating on you.

And you've had two "male friends", one from the past, and now another new one for the past 2-3 weeks which is NOT conducive to a healthy marriage. Why are you tormenting him with these male friends? I don't blame him for going through your cell phone.

You both sound very young, too immature for marriage.

File for divorce. Do yourself a favor.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think that there is a BIG issue with the fact that you are holding onto a very new friendship (2-3 weeks) vs. your marriage. :scratchhead:

My question is, what did your husband give as his reason to disapprove of this new friendship? Have you even heard his reasons? I ask because there might be signs their that this friend is not just a friend, or at least not wanting to be platonic, which your spouse can see or maybe it is your behavior to the friend that he is seeing that you are not that he finds flashing warning signs at him.
Are you holding onto this friend simply because your husband wants to be friends with females, a tit for tat kind of thing (You mentioned the double standard you are feeling)?

To me it sounds like you both are missing something important to a marriage.....real communication. It sounds like you are reacting to emotions instead of figuring out what is causing those emotions then communicating that to each other.

Personally, I would recommend finding couple friends rather then all these separate his and her friends. Neither of you sound healthy enough for the separate friends thing right now. 

That is my two cents.


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> This situation is so messed up. You should have never gotten married in the first place. Why did you? You were in love with your ex who you were still making out with, your husband turned his family against you like a pit of vipers, husband was cheating on you.
> 
> And you've had two "male friends", one from the past, and now another new one for the past 2-3 weeks which is NOT conducive to a healthy marriage. Why are you tormenting him with these male friends? I don't blame him for going through your cell phone.
> 
> ...


Who said I was in love with my ex? I sure as hell never said that. Who I make out with when I am single is no one's business. I didn't even have to tell my husband about it cause him and I weren't together but I was honest with him about it before we got back together. Please explain how I am tormenting him with these male friends? I am pretty sure people can have friends of the opposite sex. It is not against the law nor is it abnormal. Just like he has female friends, I have male friends. People need to open up their eyes and see that males and females can be just friends and nothing more. My male friends aren't even remotely attractive. I also lay down the line/rules with any male before being friends with them. But yes continue to act like you know anything.


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

Kurosity said:


> I think that there is a BIG issue with the fact that you are holding onto a very new friendship (2-3 weeks) vs. your marriage. :scratchhead:
> 
> My question is, what did your husband give as his reason to disapprove of this new friendship? Have you even heard his reasons? I ask because there might be signs their that this friend is not just a friend, or at least not wanting to be platonic, which your spouse can see or maybe it is your behavior to the friend that he is seeing that you are not that he finds flashing warning signs at him.
> Are you holding onto this friend simply because your husband wants to be friends with females, a tit for tat kind of thing (You mentioned the double standard you are feeling)?
> ...


Why should I give up a friendship AGAIN because he can't control his jealousy and insecurities? So I should never have friends? Just continue to sit at home with a 3 year old and 1 year old 24/7 and have no adult interaction? Give him what he wants which is control over me and who I can and can't talk to? And at the same time allow him to have female friends and whatever he wants and pleases? Sounds legit. He met my friend and he likes him. He is just jealous and insecure no matter what. I have even sent him screen shots of our convo where the guy clearly states he respects me and my marriage and would never see me as more than a friend. All my husband and I do is communicate but it gets us no where. His mind just doesn't operate like mine does. What he sees as okay, I see as wrong and what I see as okay, he sees as wrong.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Now now... No need to get so upset. You said you were broken up, making out with the ex-boyfriend, but then still coming home to sleep with your (now) husband. In fact, your behavior made your husband think he might not be the father of your child. Am I understanding this correctly? If so, that's not exactly the traditional definition of "being single."

Didn't mean to offend you, but your situation is confusing at best...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Now now... No need to get so upset. You said you were broken up, making out with the ex-boyfriend, but then still coming home to sleep with your (now) husband. In fact, your behavior made your husband think he might not be the father of your child. Am I understanding this correctly? If so, that's not exactly the traditional definition of "being single."
> 
> Didn't mean to offend you, but your situation is confusing at best...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Last I checked you can't get pregnant by making out. Why would I have sex with my ex and then go home and have sex with my now husband? My sex drive is extremely low so that would not even be possible. How would me making out with someone make a guy think that they didn't father the child when they are the one who had unprotected sex with me, not my ex. Why would I even have unprotected sex with my ex? God only knows how many women he slept with after we broke up *shiver*. Plus like I said, my husband and I were back together when I got pregnant. I had cut off all ties with my ex before we got back together.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

kmarie328 said:


> Who said I was in love with my ex? I sure as hell never said that. Who I make out with when I am single is no one's business. I didn't even have to tell my husband about it cause him and I weren't together but I was honest with him about it before we got back together. Please explain how I am tormenting him with these male friends? I am pretty sure people can have friends of the opposite sex. It is not against the law nor is it abnormal. Just like he has female friends, I have male friends. People need to open up their eyes and see that males and females can be just friends and nothing more. *My male friends aren't even remotely attractive*. I also lay down the line/rules with any male before being friends with them. But yes continue to act like you know anything.


This is why they are "Just Friends"

You just don't seem to understand the book

Read it again

55


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What good qualities does your husband have?

Why doesn't he stand up to his family to restore normal relations?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> This is why they are "Just Friends"
> 
> You just don't seem to understand the book
> 
> ...


I never read the book so can't really understand something I never read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

the reason he doesn't trust you is he doesn't trust himself. ever heard that before?


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## kmarie328 (Jun 18, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> What good qualities does your husband have?
> 
> Why doesn't he stand up to his family to restore normal relations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Basically he is a p*ssy and won't say anything to them. They say they need time to calm down before we have a sit down talk. It has been over a month since we started the divorce talk. What do they need to calm down about? It's not their marriage and they aren't the ones possibly going thru divorce. 

Good qualities: Good father, good cook, good sense of humor, affectionate, share same interests, attractive, doesn't do drugs or smoke...ect.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

kmarie328 said:


> I never read the book so can't really understand something I never read.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My mistake you made reference to reading that book
but it was Love languages 

Perhaps you should read it then

55


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