# Reconciliation possible?



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I chose to leave my husband of 7+ years because we had become totally disconnected. We were roommates. He was not invested in the relationship at all. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc came and went without an acknowledgement - card, gift, nothing. We no longer went out. I can't remember the last time we laughed and had fun. He comes home from work and we sit on the couch and watch TV. Same on the weekends, pretty much. The only time we do anything is if I suggest it, make the plans and most often, feel like I'm dragging him there. 
I tried talking to him about it on many occasions (although I'll admit I'm not great at communication or confrontation). He didn't take me seriously. After all, we weren't screaming at each other, we weren't hitting each other, everything seemed quite peaceful to him (he's a police officer so he sees the worst in humanity daily). 
On top of all this, when he does talk its all negative and ranting about the world and just in general, tends to assume the worst in people (again, I think that goes with the job). That was sucking me dry - I absorbed all his stress and turned it into my own. 
So I left. Rented a condo and left our home. That was 3 weeks ago. He's begged me to come back. He's taken a few early steps to show me that he hears me now and he's changing. He has broken down and agreed that he didn't take me seriously - didn't LISTEN. But now he wants to. Now when I see him he does listen and its fantastic. I feel like I'm getting the old "him" back. The person I fell in love with. He's gone to get some personal counselling (something he adamantly refused to do in the past) and now he's even getting us a marriage counsellor. 
Is there hope? And if so, how soon do I wait before moving back? I really hate being away from my home, my pets, etc. I hate starting the separation process of getting the lawyers involved to separate our assets. I'm hestitating in doing it, but at the same time I realize its so early, how do I know this new behavior will stick? It would be even harder if I move back and then we end up right where we were since he figures he doesn't have to try anymore. 
Advice from anyone who's reconciled or tried to reconcile?


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

To note, there are no children involved.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes! There is hope, and plenty of it... for THESE reasons:



SARAHMCD said:


> He's taken a few early steps to show me that he hears me now and he's changing.
> He has broken down and agreed that he didn't take me seriously - didn't LISTEN. But now he wants to.
> Now when I see him he does listen and its fantastic.
> I feel like I'm getting the old "him" back. The person I fell in love with.
> He's gone to get some personal counselling (something he adamantly refused to do in the past) and now he's even getting us a marriage counsellor.


Don't rush into moving back home right away. Give it some time to see how much effort he is putting forth, and if these changes will truly "stick."

Normally I don't think separations are very helpful to a marriage. But in your case it sounds like it has truly been a wakeup call for your husband. It has prompted him to do things to save your marriage that he never would have done before. Be sure to set firm boundaries during the separation -- no living the life of a single person -- you are both still married and working towards reconciling.

As time goes on and things get better, you can spend more and more time together, "date" each other all over again, eventually spending some nights together. Let the marriage counselor guide you with transitioning back to the marital residence when YOU feel it is the right time.

We read countless stories on this site where one partner refuses to "own" their problems, refuses to go to counseling, refuses to make necessary changes. The fact that your husband is not only willing, but has already taken steps towards it, speaks volumes to how much he loves you and values your marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is there hope yes...there is always hope, but do not misconstrue change for desperation, he is desperate to have you come home, so he will say and do anything...what you need to see is real change...what does that mean

1. he needs to identify with a counselor (without you) his problems and show what he needs to do to resolve or address them
2. he need to write out what you can expect form the "new" him, and he has to demonstrate it too you 
3. do not move back in, have dates with him but not right away...he needs time to work on him.
4. you need to better understand yourself as well, and what you need to work on

Please read Dayone thread...you might get some good insight from it


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd give it some time, as others have suggested. If you cave and go home right away you'll send the message that a few crumbs will crack you. You need more proof that these changes are serious and he needs to see that you're serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> I chose to leave my husband of 7+ years because we had become totally disconnected. We were roommates. He was not invested in the relationship at all. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc came and went without an acknowledgement - card, gift, nothing. We no longer went out. I can't remember the last time we laughed and had fun. He comes home from work and we sit on the couch and watch TV. Same on the weekends, pretty much. The only time we do anything is if I suggest it, make the plans and most often, feel like I'm dragging him there.
> I tried talking to him about it on many occasions (although I'll admit I'm not great at communication or confrontation). He didn't take me seriously. After all, we weren't screaming at each other, we weren't hitting each other, everything seemed quite peaceful to him (he's a police officer so he sees the worst in humanity daily).
> On top of all this, when he does talk its all negative and ranting about the world and just in general, tends to assume the worst in people (again, I think that goes with the job). That was sucking me dry - I absorbed all his stress and turned it into my own.
> So I left. Rented a condo and left our home. That was 3 weeks ago. He's begged me to come back. He's taken a few early steps to show me that he hears me now and he's changing. He has broken down and agreed that he didn't take me seriously - didn't LISTEN. But now he wants to. Now when I see him he does listen and its fantastic. I feel like I'm getting the old "him" back. The person I fell in love with. He's gone to get some personal counselling (something he adamantly refused to do in the past) and now he's even getting us a marriage counsellor.
> ...


My dear, YES, there is hope!
I have been separated 8 months from my husband and he has not done any of the things you mentioned above. In fact, rather than showing me that he is a changed human being, he continues to blame me (just as he did when we were living together) for his own shortcomings.

If my husband did what yours did - go to counselling, listen to me, show me he has changed...then absolutely I would consider reconciling. Marriage is not easy, it's hard work, and your husband is starting to put work in to it. 

Don't move back in. But give it time - go to couples therapy together. Get to a place where you feel love and affection for each other again, first, before you move back in.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In the meantime, what will you be doing to fix your deficiencies?


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