# getting her over my ea



## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

My wife and I are in our 30s and been married for 12 years. five years ago I had an emotional affair for about 3 months, wife found out, I was sooooooo lost, my emotions clouding every rational thought. Now, five years latter she will seem ok for a few weeks and then all out attack me with my wrong doing. Hurtful texts and emails, emotionally shut down, says she cant trust me, wish I had left, doesn't belive that I love her, she just goes guns a blazing. 

Can someone give me hope that this will end? Ya, I did wrong, totally screwed up, am I damned forever? 
Any suggestions on how to help her feel loved? 
At what point does she need to let it go? 5 years, ten, 20? NEVER???? 
How do I tell if the problem is still me or her non forgiveness?

More info....
3 kids, romantic gestures are useless, sex is terrible, and very infrequent, she deals with mild depression, we get along in all other aspects of married life, I love her more than ever and I want her to be whole.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You want her to be whole? She needs to talk to a counselor.

You want her respect, and trust? You have to earn it over a long period of time while doing all the most honorable things and treating her the way you want her to treat you. You have to be extremely open and honest, allowing her into all of your devices whenever she wants without so much as a whimper. You have to do all of this with a smile or at least with acceptance that it is a fate you asked for when you stepped out of the marriage. 

That's only a start. It's as much as I know. Look through some threads on reconciliation. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Not all can do it, though. 

Then, maybe, just maybe she will be able to trust and respect you again some day. Sorry for the harshness of my post. It is the basic truth with no glamour.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think it takes a long time to heal BUT continue to be patient. I also think it will always be in the back of her mind. Talk about anything she wants to talk about, nothing should be off limits.. How about date nights? Or a weekend getaway? Continue to be loving and supportive and hopefully one day your relationship will be better. Have you tried marriage counseling? Perhaps that is whats needed to move forward.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's hard for us to know what's going on here. It could be that you have not done enough to show that you are trustworthy, or it could be that she is hanging on to the hurt because it serves her purposes.

Either way she needs counseling to learn how to get through this. And you have more work to do.

Here is a book that might help.


*Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity * by Shirley P. Glass (Author), Jean Coppock Staeheli


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

First, there is not enough information to glean a clear picture on things here... 

But it sounds as if you have not done some key things to help her get past it. You may think you have done everything but maybe not. 

Give us more information. What were the circumstances of the EA? Why do you think it really happened? What was (wifes) initial reaction to the affair? What was your initial reaction to being found out? 

It is useful so we dont jump all on you when it could be all just wife's depression. 

More info please.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Mr. Fix it said:


> My wife and I are in our 30s and been married for 12 years. five years ago I had an emotional affair for about 3 months, wife found out, I was sooooooo lost, my emotions clouding every rational thought. Now, five years latter she will seem ok for a few weeks and then all out attack me with my wrong doing. Hurtful texts and emails, emotionally shut down, says she cant trust me, wish I had left, doesn't belive that I love her, she just goes guns a blazing.
> 
> Can someone give me hope that this will end? Ya, I did wrong, totally screwed up, am I damned forever?
> Any suggestions on how to help her feel loved?
> ...


I can help you with this from a woman's perspective if you would like to hear some ideas...

My husband had EAs on a number of occasions. He hid all of them from me - the information just trickled out and trickled out and created a huge mess over a number of years. I completely did not trust him. I would find out about one and he would make a bit of a confession, then another one would happen and the cycle just was over and over. I began to lose count. I finally was bleeping LIVID. 

We went to therapy, he went to therapy - and it was of *some* help but the patterns didn't stop. 

I can tell you right now that I totally *get* your wife and I'm not saying I agree with her behavior but that is exactly what my behavior has been over it. To me, my husband's focus left and he was not invested in our relationship - and I was doing all the pulling and heavy lifting for the relationship. 

The biggest thing that helped us was that I finally said: Okay, we're going to do a BOOT CAMP where will spill ALL our stuff out there and lay all our crap out on the table with openness and honesty to the thousandth degree. Much was revealed and dug into and hashed over. 

It has taken us 3 years of hanging in there with each other and having conversation after conversation to get to a point where trust is a possibility. 

Each person has to talk and listen long enough to get down to each person's core issues. Betraying her may have strummed an old chord that is so painful for her that the way she tried to take care of that pain is just to vomit words and spew venom to release that pain. 

For me, I finally got to the point where I cried from the bottom-most layers of my emotions that I just wanted someone to love me, to walk beside me feeling like he was the luckiest guy in the world and that all other women paled by comparison. 

One suggestion I have for you that I felt like I needed to hear and that I asked my husband to do for me was to tell me why this/these other women were disgusting to him. I didn't care if it was personality or what - but I needed to hear from him *now* in detail what it was about her/them that was disgusting, like, "Yeah, it was disgusting how she snorted when she laughed and cake on the makeup an inch thick." One of the women was very young and ended up having an actual affair with another married guy and broke up a beautiful family - then, instead, went on to marry some OTHER guy that she didn't stay married to, etc. I wanted my husband to look at who this woman was as a person and tell me if, since he said he wants only to be with me - then get real with why he wasn't with this other woman. I mean, he had my blessing - GTFO if he wanted something else - but if he didn't want that something else...what was the turn off? I wanted him to get detailed about exactly why I was a treasure to him and she was worthless to him. It's important. Your wife needs to feel like your QUEEN and she wants you to treat her like a QUEEN. Don't be loyal one single degree towards that other women. She's worthless, she's a POS and she ugly with knocked knees and crossed-eyed and just pick a whole bunch of stuff that is actually true - that, by comparison with your wife, she's pond scum.

It's not enough to say, "I was wrong, I did this" - what she is suffering from now is the fear and threat that the person she loves and is invested in could be lured away from her. 

How long do you need to listen? FOR AS LONG AS SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. That's the rule, PERIOD. If guys friends are, like, "Man, you shouldn't have to put up with that" - think about who is the priority in your life. Who is the priority in your life?

How long does it take? It takes as long as it takes for her to break down in tears and reveal her deepest agony and fear - which is when you will be there for her to tell her that you look at yourself like you were some other idiot guy with a diva for a wife who damn near blew it. You were like the fable of the dog with the bone who saw his reflection in the water and wanted to take the other bone...but ended up losing both of them. You dang near blew it. 

She's scared because she's waiting for the other shoe to drop - for you to do it again. She compares herself to the other woman and needs to hear from you why she is the freaking most fantastic beautiful woman on the planet and your behavior was appalling, disgusting. 

Then both of you keep talking until you get into the whys and wherefores of things that have happened to you in your lives that may have caused a trigger like the EA to happen. 

For my husband, he was in a family with an unpredictably abusive father and experienced other abuses also. This really nicked his self-esteem and caused him to look outward for validation instead of being able to validate himself and feel confident in his own mind and accomplishments. Therefore, when a woman would compliment him, he was like a moth to a flame. He had nothing inside himself to shore himself up. 

For me, I've got trust issues and abuse issues from a former husband so I truly hate secretiveness and deception. My husband's issues were the perfect match to strum the chords of my issues. 

This is what I mean about openness and honesty for getting to the bottom of core issues between two people so that they both can heal and find happiness together.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Are you still around the person you had an ea with? Coworker or friend, etc? My stbxh had an ea about 2 years into the marriage and it almost killed me because of how he treated me during it when I had no idea what was going on. After she dumped him he treated me a lot better but he still worked with her for another 6 years which was awful.

You seem remorseful, you seem like you’re trying really hard. If my husband had been like you I would have been over the moon. He was none of those things. He was mainly upset and sad that she dumped him.

Did you end it, or did your ea partner end it? Or did it simply end when you got caught? If the OW ended it, your wife might be thinking that you would have continued with her all the way to pa and possibly leaving her for the OW. She might feel a little like a plan b. That’s only if she ended it though, we need more info.

Also how and why is the sex terrible?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mr. Fix it said:


> wife found out, I was sooooooo lost, my emotions clouding every rational thought.


I'd like to give you one thought I had, as the victim of my wife's affairs.

It's ok if you explain yourself in these terms to us here. However, I really hope you don't make statements like these to your wife.

When I heard statements of this nature from my wife, they indicated an unrepentant state, that my W didn't "own" her actions, but instead, made excuses for factors beyond her control which "drove" her affairs.

The facts were, she had her affairs for 2 reasons:
1) they made her feel good, and she wanted to feel good;
2) she had no respect for me, our family, our children, and didn't give a rat's a$$ what her "feel good" did to us.

With these facts in view, I could not possibly "trust" her, or truly want a continued relationship to her.

As she never expressed that she saw the truth of her behavior, nor took effort to correct the self-centeredness and lust which were the actual driving sins, nor asked me to forgive her for the REAL attitudes she had taken, I did not "get over" her affairs.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Study what happiness27 wrote. Much of what she says was true for my wife as well.



happiness27 said:


> For me, I finally got to the point where I cried from the bottom-most layers of my emotions that I just wanted someone to love me, to walk beside me feeling like he was the luckiest guy in the world and that all other women paled by comparison.


This is what Mrs. meson wanted as well and the EA took it away. Actions and transparency are needed to bring this back. Mere words are not enough.



happiness27 said:


> One suggestion I have for you that I felt like I needed to hear and that I asked my husband to do for me was to tell me why this/these other women were disgusting to him. I didn't care if it was personality or what - but I needed to hear from him *now* in detail what it was about her/them that was disgusting, like, "Yeah, it was disgusting how she snorted when she laughed and cake on the makeup an inch thick." One of the women was very young and ended up having an actual affair with another married guy and broke up a beautiful family - then, instead, went on to marry some OTHER guy that she didn't stay married to, etc. I wanted my husband to look at who this woman was as a person and tell me if, since he said he wants only to be with me - then get real with why he wasn't with this other woman. I mean, he had my blessing - GTFO if he wanted something else - but if he didn't want that something else...what was the turn off? I wanted him to get detailed about exactly why I was a treasure to him and she was worthless to him. It's important. Your wife needs to feel like your QUEEN and she wants you to treat her like a QUEEN. Don't be loyal one single degree towards that other women. She's worthless, she's a POS and she ugly with knocked knees and crossed-eyed and just pick a whole bunch of stuff that is actually true - that, by comparison with your wife, she's pond scum.


Mrs. meson had her self image damaged. Continued affirmations of the issues with the OW is what helped her regain that trust in me and her self image.



happiness27 said:


> It's not enough to say, "I was wrong, I did this" - what she is suffering from now is the fear and threat that the person she loves and is invested in could be lured away from her.
> 
> She's scared because she's waiting for the other shoe to drop - for you to do it again. She compares herself to the other woman and needs to hear from you why she is the freaking most fantastic beautiful woman on the planet and your behavior was appalling, disgusting.


One EA poisons future relationships with women. It doesn't leave their minds. Each new woman you interact with can trigger the hurtful memories from the EA. It can take years to restore the trust that you burned.

Mrs. meson had other issues in addition to the ones happiness27 mentions. It was thought the process of getting all out that happiness27 mentioned that I learned what pained Mrs. meson the most. The OW was her close friend and I deprived her of the intimacy she had with her friend. 

Lastly in my case the issue was boundaries. I worked on better boundaries so that it would not happen again with the OW or anyone else. Remember the healing is always a work in progress.


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

Thanks for the replies.
2ntnuf, that's like no hope at all! 

I wasn't looking to get into a EA, it happened much to my surprise. The lady came at me with her gun set to stun! To her credit she did not know I was married, at first. This happened in a different country, while I was on a bit of an humanitarian trip, my wife was not with me. 
I fell hard and when back home carelessly wrote her in an email about how I felt and my wife found that. The whole time I was in the EA I knew it would blow over if given enough time, but wife found out. 
I connected the woman with my friend on facebook, wanted to get her off the market and help her in any way I could because she was an orphan and had to leave the orphanage. I felt trapped because to just drop communication would mean I had to turn my back on an orphan, I just couldn't do that! My friend and her got married, she moved here, my wife and her became friends, we even went to there wedding. They now live in a different state. But what I carelessly wrote keeps coming back to my wifes mind and haunting her. Three sentences written in a hurry are ruining my marriage! 

I work 363 days a year, about 80-90 hours a week, feel trapped, cant hardly get a date night, she understands, but that to is painful to her...... the lack of romance, quality time together. Its a farm, a very unforgiving occupation. 

Thanks again for the suggestions, I have read them all, really looking for female input here, or from guys who have been in similar situations.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Your AP was an orphan? I’m confused.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Mr. Fix it said:


> My wife and I are in our 30s and been married for 12 years. five years ago I had an emotional affair for about 3 months, wife found out, I was sooooooo lost, my emotions clouding every rational thought. Now, five years latter she will seem ok for a few weeks and then all out attack me with my wrong doing. Hurtful texts and emails, emotionally shut down, says she cant trust me, wish I had left, doesn't belive that I love her, she just goes guns a blazing.
> 
> Can someone give me hope that this will end? Ya, I did wrong, totally screwed up, am I damned forever?
> Any suggestions on how to help her feel loved?
> ...


Dude, you are handling this all wrong and I can say that for certain because what you've been doing hasn't worked after 5 years! Look, your real issue is your wife has no respect for you and doesn't love you the same way you love her. Yes, you screwed up! But it wasn't the biggest screw up you could do...it's not like you physically cheated, assaulted her, or killed anyone and you've tried to make amends. So, stop being a *kitten* and man up and fix your relationship dynamic. Tell her that you've given her enough time to either move forward or call it quits and since she is keeping you in a state of limbo that you'll make the decision for her because you no longer choose to live your life under these conditions. Tell her that you EXPECT your spouse to love you, trust you, respect you, F-you passionately, and treat you kindly all the time, and if she doesn't want to be that spouse you'll cash in your chips and move on. 

If you do this expect anger from her, but don't react to it. Keep yourself balanced and pull her into your frame of existence rather than you moving back into hers. Ask a lot of probing questions about her anger to get her to open up to you. These could include: why do you think this still crops up after all this time, how do you think we could regain normality, how could we get back to a loving and passionate relationship, if you don't think it's possible do you think you'd be happier alone, do you think I'd be happier alone, etc. Then let her talk and explain herself with you not justifying your actions, simply let her speak and be the man that wants to listen and understand her.


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> Dude, you are handling this all wrong and I can say that for certain because what you've been doing hasn't worked after 5 years! Look, your real issue is your wife has no respect for you and doesn't love you the same way you love her. Yes, you screwed up! But it wasn't the biggest screw up you could do...it's not like you physically cheated, assaulted her, or killed anyone and you've tried to make amends. So, stop being a *kitten* and man up and fix your relationship dynamic. Tell her that you've given her enough time to either move forward or call it quits and since she is keeping you in a state of limbo that you'll make the decision for her because you no longer choose to live your life under these conditions. Tell her that you EXPECT your spouse to love you, trust you, respect you, F-you passionately, and treat you kindly all the time, and if she doesn't want to be that spouse you'll cash in your chips and move on.
> 
> If you do this expect anger from her, but don't react to it. Keep yourself balanced and pull her into your frame of existence rather than you moving back into hers. Ask a lot of probing questions about her anger to get her to open up to you. These could include: why do you think this still crops up after all this time, how do you think we could regain normality, how could we get back to a loving and passionate relationship, if you don't think it's possible do you think you'd be happier alone, do you think I'd be happier alone, etc. Then let her talk and explain herself with you not justifying your actions, simply let her speak and be the man that wants to listen and understand her.


Would someone who has been the victim in an ea care to comment on the above opinion? My wife doesn't give any indication that she could be part of the problem, and any time we have an argument she pulls out the trump card of my wrong doing. However, I am the perpetrator and I know healing takes time, particularly with emotions, and women are delicate.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So how old was this orphan???
Guessing she was 16 to 18 if she was just about to leave the orphanage, and you were there supposedly to help such people not get into relationships with them. Was there any physical stuff? Kissing, cuddling, touching? etc 

BTW, you wife's depression is probably because of the hurt and betrayal. That's why so many leave after an affair, its hard to stay with someone who has treated you so badly. 
If she does stay, at some point she will need to make that decision not just to forgive, but to move on and not keep bringing it up.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Dude, you are handling this all wrong and I can say that for certain because what you've been doing hasn't worked after 5 years! Look, your real issue is your wife has no respect for you and doesn't love you the same way you love her. Yes, you screwed up! But it wasn't the biggest screw up you could do...it's not like you physically cheated, assaulted her, or killed anyone and you've tried to make amends. So, stop being a *kitten* and man up and fix your relationship dynamic. Tell her that you've given her enough time to either move forward or call it quits and since she is keeping you in a state of limbo that you'll make the decision for her because you no longer choose to live your life under these conditions. Tell her that you EXPECT your spouse to love you, trust you, respect you, F-you passionately, and treat you kindly all the time, and if she doesn't want to be that spouse you'll cash in your chips and move on.
> 
> If you do this expect anger from her, but don't react to it. Keep yourself balanced and pull her into your frame of existence rather than you moving back into hers. Ask a lot of probing questions about her anger to get her to open up to you. These could include: why do you think this still crops up after all this time, how do you think we could regain normality, how could we get back to a loving and passionate relationship, if you don't think it's possible do you think you'd be happier alone, do you think I'd be happier alone, etc. Then let her talk and explain herself with you not justifying your actions, simply let her speak and be the man that wants to listen and understand her.


The OP asked for an opinion on the above response from another spouse who has experienced EA. 

"it's not like you physically cheated, assaulted her, or killed anyone and you've tried to make amends."

This is using hyperbole to excuse and dismiss the problem. It doesn't work to do that. 

"So, stop being a *kitten* and man up and fix your relationship dynamic."

Another common response that doesn't work. Telling a man to stop acting like a wuss and "man up" is not going to work to help a woman through this, speaking as a woman who has been through this with a man who didn't pull that stunt. If you want me to go into greater detail as to why this doesn't work, then I will. But the statement comes off as if a man can somehow use his manliness to get a woman to do what he wants. The main reason not to do this is because it just pushes her further away. That statement comes off as "I am the MAN of this family and what I say goes and what I say is that your time for being p.o.'d about this is over."

"Tell her that you've given her enough time to either move forward or call it quits and since she is keeping you in a state of limbo that you'll make the decision for her because you no longer choose to live your life under these conditions."

Okay, sure. Do that. If you don't want the relationship anymore, then break it off and leave. That's a solution. Be prepared to leave.

"Tell her that you EXPECT your spouse to love you, trust you, respect you, F-you passionately, and treat you kindly all the time, and if she doesn't want to be that spouse you'll cash in your chips and move on."

This is all kinds of ways 1950s male-thinking. Say that to her and expect to leave. This is a statement from a man who feels he is entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it from wherever he can get it. No thanks. Love is a two-way street not a one way directive.

"If you do this expect anger from her, but don't react to it. Keep yourself balanced and pull her into your frame of existence rather than you moving back into hers. Ask a lot of probing questions about her anger to get her to open up to you. These could include: why do you think this still crops up after all this time, how do you think we could regain normality, how could we get back to a loving and passionate relationship, if you don't think it's possible do you think you'd be happier alone, do you think I'd be happier alone, etc. Then let her talk and explain herself with you not justifying your actions, simply let her speak and be the man that wants to listen and understand her."

First off, why would you say something to your wife that would anger her? That makes zero sense. 

The questions do make sense. Talking and listening openly and honestly is something that really works. 

However, stepping into "do you think you'd be happier alone?" is stepping into lack of commitment territory. A woman who has been through an affair PA or EA, is already feeling like the relationship is built on sand. She needs the relationship to be shored up - not to receive further threats to the relationship - such as demanding she get over it or you'll leave or asking her if she would feel better if she left or you left. 

That is the very LAST f-ing thing she needs to hear right now. 

Telling another man to "be a MAN" "act like a MAN" "MAN up" - I find this confusing. Those same men are the one's who insist that women, by turning down sex *however often* is rejection, which is supposedly horrible, because it hurts a man's ego. Which is it? Is a true man strong and forceful and yet the same guy who gets his feelings hurt from getting turned down for a sexual overture? 

I would postulate that a man is a human being just like a woman is a human being. Both have feelings, doubts, shortcomings. A man's ego is not more hurt by life's interactions than a woman's ego is hurt by life's interactions. Or, conversely, a woman's ego can be equally hurt as a man's ego. 

I wrote you a very long post about what helped me with my husband's EAs. My husband made it clear that I can talk about it whenever I want about whatever I want. I also talk to HIM very, very openly about how I feel and felt. He tells me how he felt and feels now - openly, honestly. "I wanted to f her. I would have, too, if she had just made one little further move..." That's harsh, man. It's real. It's not dancing around the topic. That's what I wanted to hear was the butt-ugly truth.

Through the discovery of the EA, basically, what happened was that part of our whole marriage history was changed - the things we were doing at the times this was going on...what I thought was a great trip to Germany became tainted by the fact that the very minute I left to go back to the states (he was stationed overseas), he was on email to her. That action completely blacked out the supposed happy memories of my first ever overseas trip and everything that went with it - from all the effort I went to to get my passport to every little cute place we visited, to the beautiful B&B where we stayed and the gingerbread houses dusted with snowfall on that Christmas morning - everything...fade to black. Stabbed, right through the heart, wiping out one of the most memorable times of my life.

I was FURIOUS. I finally started in on a series I called our Boot Camp. It was a full on confession of every single thing, every single time, every single moment of every single thing he thought and did. Nothing held back. He wanted her. Why did he want her? What did he think of every single aspect of her? Where was I in every single one of those moment? He wasn't thinking about me - he separated the two people and what he did and thought of each person...how he *juggled* it, how he lied to me, how he felt about lying to me (he didn't care), how he felt entitled and...how he felt that sexual tension (oxytocin) that he kept chasing because "it felt good and I was just thinking about me and what I wanted and not what anybody else thought or wanted." All the emails he hurriedly erased - what did they say? The extra accounts he deleted...on and on. All the actions he had to take to cover up his lies.

This exercise will make both people feel completely skinned, exposed and vulnerable. How did it feel to me to know from my spouse that he was chasing something else and not thinking about me at all? Horrible, scared, sad, very hurt. Scared that he would leave me. Scared that he wanted something else or was looking for something else because I'm not what he wants, not what he needs - that he's scouting for something *better*. What did I do wrong? Was I not a loving spouse? What was wrong with our marriage that someone could intercede so easily? 

What it came down to from him was:

"I was a selfish a-hole who wanted what he wanted with no regard for anyone else - not even the other woman. I can't stand that about myself. I wanted what I wanted because it made ME feel good." 

So, you can see how assurances that "you are the only one who has been on my mind" doesn't work anymore. You have shown you are capable of not honoring that statement. It takes, from here on out - actions. You need to know what made you succumb to the EA. Are you a guy who gets so bowled over by looking at a genetically-gifted woman that you can't think straight? Or are you a focused person who can appreciate physical beauty as something to appreciate but not pursue? Was your marriage lacking in some way? ARE you still looking for someone else? DO you think there is something better out there for you? Are you and your wife committed to each other enough to *never ring the bell*? (give up).

For me, my personality is that "When I can least stand for someone to touch me is when I need a hug the most." Is that possibly true for your wife? When I finally told my husband this, he stopped standing aside waiting for me to get better on my own. At some point in all our conversations, he reached out to me and let me feel hurt in his arms..."I will never leave you, I love you, you are precious to me."

In my mind, that's how you "man up."


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah, the knuckle dragging, get her in line advice is utter garbage when you've cheated. Follow it at your peril.

So how old was this orphan, and why was she more important than your wife?


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

She was in her 20s, the ageing out of this particular orphanage was fluid. And she was trying to make it on her own but was back home for a bit, if I can use that phrase. Looking back I'm realizing that the thought of any other woman getting to my heart wasn't something I thought I had to even think about, I had never heard of an EA til I was in one. She was resorting to prostitution to survive, and in her situation I think many people would. So, to drop communication with her would have been to say that the health of my marriage is more important than her life. I gave her a hug when I left the country, nothing other than that. 

I could have cut down on the communication a great deal, except I asked my wife (while I was mentally in a cloud) if she minded me talking to her and she gave me permission. That part still confuses me. 

My wife says she does not feel protected. What can a man do to make his woman feel protected? Loved? I have no need to feel protected, so cut me some slack on that. 

I'm sure all this is preventing her from enjoying or wanting sex with me, any help there?


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

What did you say in your email to the OW? What you wrote to the OW seems to be the tipping point for your wife. How did you make amends for the email? I feel like we’re still missing a lot of info that could help.

You said “I have no need to feel protected, so cut me some slack on that.”

One of a husband’s basic jobs is to make his wife feel protected and safe. You said you don’t have the need so you don’t understand her need. That is a lack of empathy on your part that’s separate from the ea.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mr. Fix it said:


> My wife and I are in our 30s and been married for 12 years. five years ago I had an emotional affair for about 3 months, wife found out, I was sooooooo lost, my emotions clouding every rational thought. Now, five years latter she will seem ok for a few weeks and then all out attack me with my wrong doing. Hurtful texts and emails, emotionally shut down, says she cant trust me, wish I had left, doesn't belive that I love her, she just goes guns a blazing.
> 
> Can someone give me hope that this will end? Ya, I did wrong, totally screwed up, am I damned forever?
> Any suggestions on how to help her feel loved?
> ...


*Your only real hope may lie in Marriage Counseling(MC). And I did say "hope!" 

Deception, no matter how small, is an awfully hard disease for a jaded spouse to ever be able to effectively recover from. But unless you don't make a concerted effort to try and be willing to take your lumps before her within a counselors presence, there may be no hope available!

I wish you well, my friend!*


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr. Fix it said:


> I fell hard and when back home carelessly wrote her in an email about how I felt and my wife found that. The whole time I was in the EA I knew it would blow over if given enough time, but wife found out.
> *I connected the woman with my friend on facebook, wanted to get her off the market and help her in any way I could because she was an orphan and had to leave the orphanage. * I felt trapped because to just drop communication would mean I had to turn my back on an orphan, I just couldn't do that! *My friend and her got married, she moved here, my wife and her became friends, we even went to there wedding. * They now live in a different state. But what I carelessly wrote keeps coming back to my wifes mind and haunting her. Three sentences written in a hurry are ruining my marriage!
> 
> *I work 363 days a year, about 80-90 hours a week, feel trapped, cant hardly get a date night, she understands, but that to is painful to her...... the lack of romance, quality time together. * Its a farm, a very unforgiving occupation.


Question, you mention that your friend married the OW and that you and your wife have remained friends with them. Do you still have direct contact with OW? If so, stop it. Your interactions with the OW are triggering your wife. Remove the OW from all your social media platform. Never email, call, or text her. Contact your friend but remove any direct lines of communication with his wife, your OW. 

The bigger issue is that you and your wife have an unfulfilling marriage and she knows it. Even if you had never had the EA, I can bet you'd be having issues in your marriage because you don't date, romance, or spend any quality time together. You would do well by reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. There are also some great podcasts on his website Marriage Builders discussing the need for Quality Time and how to make it happen on a tight schedule. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Timing is everything. Had your wife found the e-mail before you asked permission to communicate with her? Did your wife know about the EA before you introduced her to the woman?

I'm guessing you weren't a farmer 5 years ago.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

happiness27 said:


> The OP asked for an opinion on the above response from another spouse who has experienced EA.
> 
> "it's not like you physically cheated, assaulted her, or killed anyone and you've tried to make amends."
> 
> ...


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

To answer your question, we've been married for 28 years - since before the internet. Over that course of time, we raised kids, worked time-demanding, stressful jobs and had many life events, some tragic ones.

We lived through relationship dysfunction pretty much not realizing until the past few years how dysfunctional it was - which is sort of the conundrum of living with dysfunction. 

For the past 3 years, the *work* we have put into our marriage has intensified. "Boot Camp" was something we did three years ago.


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

Lila said:


> Question, you mention that your friend married the OW and that you and your wife have remained friends with them. Do you still have direct contact with OW? If so, stop it. Your interactions with the OW are triggering your wife. Remove the OW from all your social media platform. Never email, call, or text her. Contact your friend but remove any direct lines of communication with his wife, your OW.
> 
> The bigger issue is that you and your wife have an unfulfilling marriage and she knows it. Even if you had never had the EA, I can bet you'd be having issues in your marriage because you don't date, romance, or spend any quality time together. You would do well by reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. There are also some great podcasts on his website Marriage Builders discussing the need for Quality Time and how to make it happen on a tight schedule.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I have no contact with the ow, haven't for years. 

I think you are sooooo right with what you say about the unfulfilling marriage. And I'm looking for ways out of this career, but that takes time. I have read His needs Her needs, twice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mr. Fix it said:


> She was in her 20s, the ageing out of this particular orphanage was fluid. And she was trying to make it on her own but was back home for a bit, if I can use that phrase. Looking back I'm realizing that the thought of any other woman getting to my heart wasn't something I thought I had to even think about, I had never heard of an EA til I was in one. She was resorting to prostitution to survive, and in her situation I think many people would. *So, to drop communication with her would have been to say that the health of my marriage is more important than her life. * I gave her a hug when I left the country, nothing other than that.
> 
> I could have cut down on the communication a great deal, except I asked my wife (while I was mentally in a cloud) if she minded me talking to her and she gave me permission. That part still confuses me.
> 
> ...


This may sound cold, but in your world your marriage IS more important than this outsider's life. Her situation was NOT your responsibility. You had/have what is called white knight syndrome. You had a need to swoop in and rescue this woman for whatever reason (probably due to your attraction to her) when you had no business doing so. Did you ask your wife about communicating with her before or after she knew you wanted to bang her? Then for you to make arrangements to create a situation where this woman is a permanent part of your life?? Really?? Pretty sick dude, and in all honesty, Im surprised your wife didn't divorce you at that point. 
@happiness27 has made excellent posts and given you some brilliant insight. Some of the best Ive seen here, honestly. The fact that your wife is still angry and resentful over it shows that it was not properly addressed and fixed. What happens the next time there is a damsel in distress? Are you going to go riding in on your white horse and rescue her too? You are a married man, you have no business being another woman's knight in shining armor. (KISA) Also, what in the world makes you think its ok for you to still be friends with this woman? A starting point to try and make amends would be to remove her, as someone else suggested. You absolutely put your wife as number two priority behind this woman, beyond even the normal emotional affair bullcrap. Its not like you went no contact, like you are SUPPOSED to do in these situations. 

I do put some blame for the current situation on your wife, however... If she isn't able to deal with this, then she should get out of the marriage. Its possible that she may not be able to, in spite of any effort you may make. I applaud you for wanting to try and make this work and to help her heal. But sometimes people just cant get past this kind of betrayal.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> This may sound cold, but in your world your marriage IS more important than this outsider's life. Her situation was NOT your responsibility. You had/have what is called white knight syndrome. You had a need to swoop in and rescue this woman for whatever reason (probably due to your attraction to her) when you had no business doing so. Did you ask your wife about communicating with her before or after she knew you wanted to bang her? Then for you to make arrangements to create a situation where this woman is a permanent part of your life?? Really?? Pretty sick dude, and in all honesty, Im surprised your wife didn't divorce you at that point.


THIS.

No contact for life with this woman, even if it means you lose a friend. You made the choice.

I also suggest these precautions:

a) I am responsible to protect my wife at all times.
b) I will give full access of all my business records to my wife.
c) I will agree to give all passwords, account codes business and personal to my wife.
d) I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.
e) I will defer to my wife as the advice giver when it involves another woman, unless she specifically calls on me.
f) I will not spend any time alone with another woman with out the approval of my wife.
g) I will not share my problems or concerns with another woman.
h) I will not share my infirmities with another woman.
i) I will openly share my daily schedule with my wife.
j) At any time she requests, I will trade cell phones with my wife for the time she deems necessary.
k) I will allow only men to provide individual counselling
l) I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and will agree to eliminate any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.
m) I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without making frequent contact with my wife AND her enthusiastic agreement.
n) When travelling without my wife, or a member of the church, I must stay at least 100 kilometres away from OW place of residence.
o) I will not go to the store where the OW and I used to work without my wife
p) If the OW makes contact with me I will immediately inform my wife and show her all text messages, emails etc.
q) If I start to have feelings for another woman, despite these precautions, I will immediately tell my wife.
r) I will return home after work and not stop off to visit people on the way home.
s) I will not install or operate messaging type programmes on the computer in my radio shack.
t) If at any time my wife desires it, I will enable GPS tracking of my cell phone.


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

azimuth said:


> What did you say in your email to the OW? What you wrote to the OW seems to be the tipping point for your wife. How did you make amends for the email? I feel like we’re still missing a lot of info that could help.
> 
> You said “I have no need to feel protected, so cut me some slack on that.”
> 
> One of a husband’s basic jobs is to make his wife feel protected and safe. You said you don’t have the need so you don’t understand her need. That is a lack of empathy on your part that’s separate from the ea.


In the email I said that I wish I hadn't married and that I must have made love happen. The wording gave the idea that it was never love to begin with. It was bad, very very bad! 

You can beat me up all you want about the protection aspect, but that does no good. I'm just totally clueless what protecting a woman looks like. I'm sure its about emotions, can a lady put flesh on this for me?


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Mr. Fix it said:


> In the email I said that I wish I hadn't married and that I must have made love happen. The wording gave the idea that it was never love to begin with. It was bad, very very bad!
> 
> You can beat me up all you want about the protection aspect, but that does no good. I'm just totally clueless what protecting a woman looks like. I'm sure its about emotions, can a lady put flesh on this for me?



That email is horrible. No wonder your wife isn't over it, because she knows she's your Plan B.

Protecting a woman comes naturally if you love the woman. It means devoting yourself to her, being open about with your devices and passwords, being honest about your whereabouts, not getting into EAs, being concerned about her health and wellbeing, having solid boundaries and no inappropriate flirting or contact with other women - to name a few. You probably can't do this because you don't feel these things toward your wife.

After I thought about it some more, you did protect the OW. You went to great lengths to be her hero and savior. Your wife...well she was and still is on her own.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

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Mr. Fix it said:


> In the email I said that I wish I hadn't married and that I must have made love happen. The wording gave the idea that it was never love to begin with. It was bad, very very bad!
> 
> You can beat me up all you want about the protection aspect, but that does no good. I'm just totally clueless what protecting a woman looks like. I'm sure its about emotions, can a lady put flesh on this for me?


I responded to you in earlier posts - have you read them? Please re-read. Plus others who have offered suggestions. There's no easy way out of this or quick fix - unless you decide to divorce. 

You are not being honest. You just now said you are clueless what protecting a woman looks like - yet you did exactly that with the OW. 

You exposed your private intimate thoughts (in writing) about your supposedly most valued relationship to a prostitute you were trying to save. 

If your wife ever trusts you again, you will have to follow very strict guidelines and not complain about how long it takes.

My husband told me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He refuses to ring the bell (give up). But it's been a LOT of hard work and crucial conversations.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I written and deleted a response to this so many times because I don’t want to be snarky to you OP. I hope I succeed this time. 

I think part of the problem is that you are still romantizing this. You refer to OW as an orphan. How many posts in did it take to get that she was actually a hooker. A manipulative hooker that saw you coming. And then you give her credit for not knowing you were married. So she thought you were a mark that was single, much better. 

Your wife is angry and lost all respect for you because after 5 years you are still calling this an emotional affair with an orphan. Until you can admit that you were conned by a hooker at the expense of your family I don’t see it getting much better. 

Let’s pretend that it was a real EA (it was on your part anyway). Do YOU ever bring it up? Do you ever come home after work and tell her out of the blue you were thinking about all the pain you have caused her, that you regret every second of the lifelong agony you have gifted her and that you thank god for every day that she lets you stay and try to make it up to her? I can tell you from experience that my reaction to the proactive approach is quiet sad tears and relief. It doesn’t hurt less, but it helps to hear he understands the magnitude of what he did. It is also like a relief valve for the anger and hurt. It is a relief that I didn’t have to unleash my wrath - that doesn’t feel good for the person doing it either. 

Speaking of her wrath...the timing of her anger is probably hormonal if it is happening every few weeks. Many women who are coping with infidelity think they finally have their **** together for 3 weeks at a time only to have PMS make the negative emotions unbearable. Don’t take this as blaming the hormones for her being upset - your actions and reactions for the past 5 years are the cause. But hormones certainly heighten it. Never ever ever say anything about the hormones and her lashing out. EVER. That info is for you. So down the road when you have actually stopped romantizing the “orphan” hooker, made an effort to spend time with your wife and proactively apologize and she still loses it every three weeks, it isn’t just you. Don’t give up. Wait it out. Or better yet, track it and be proactive.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr. Fix it said:


> I have no contact with the ow, haven't for years.
> 
> I think you are sooooo right with what you say about the unfulfilling marriage. And I'm looking for ways out of this career, but that takes time. *I have read His needs Her needs, twice*.


Then you don't need to read the book again. Instead, put what you've read into practice. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, it was very hard to hear but much of it was true. Except the prostitute part, I think you twisted that. 

I have hand written the following to my wife and will accompany it with flowers.

Dear .......

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I've done and how it caused you such deep pain. Many of the things I miss understood I now understand, and I'm sure there are more to come.
I imagine your probably worried I will do it again. I invite you to check my email, phone and anything else you wish. I want you to know that my heart is yours! 
I want you as my wife, and I want you to be whole. Please tell me exactly what you need from me when bad thoughts/emotions come. Forgive me when I lash back, its because your making me look at my ugly actions. I want to treat you as a queen but my ugliness prevents me. Your a wonderful woman, very buitiful and smart. You could have left me,, but you didn't. I will now spend the rest of my life doing what I need to do to thank you for staying with me.

Your humbled husband,
.......


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife needs to see a psychologist to set her mind in the right place. She needs to heal. You have betrayed her & told the OW that you wished you were not married. You placed this woman above your wife. You brought her to your home in the guise of a friend. You have invaded a sacred space in your marriage.

Woman here; a 60 year old retired educator, married 38 years (I was 22 years old & my husband 24 when we married), & first marriage for the both of us. You've killed the love of your wife with your own hand. I don't think there is any going back. You let the ugly genie out of the bottle. The least you can do is pay for her counseling & let her go to have a better life.


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