# How to Cope? Stuck with kids, wife has no drive?



## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

I met my wife in 2005, and throughout dating, throughout engagement, throughout marriage, it's just been this CONSTANT roller coaster ride of: We hardly have sex, I get upset (internally) that we're not having sex, I admit to myself it's not going to change and vow to forget about sex, I break down in a week and talk to her about it, we have pitty sex and the cycle starts over. 

Yes I married into it (I know) and we have kids (0 and 2), but I've always had the hopeless romantic complex where the one I'm with is totally the one (until they break up with me and then I can see why they weren't) so I feel compelled to make it work. But as I said married with kids now, and i'm kinda stuck. I love the kids to death so I have to stay, but how do I make it so it's not a living hell? 

I've tried EVERYTHING to make it work. I've talked to her about it (which almost always ends in her saying she knows somethings wrong but she never goes to a Dr. or changes), I've treated her like a queen (flowers, romance, dinners), I've tried being not so nice, I've tried begging, I've tried being aggressive, I've tried fishing for ideas, asking outright for kinks/ideas. I've told her 'i wish just for once you'd come into the room, throw your clothes off, and jump on me.' But the majority of times we have sex (and the frequency is once a month on average) it starts with me asking if she wants to (in many different ways) and her saying 'no i really dont want to', which totally kills my mood, then she says 'oh well you're upset so let's go do it'...which makes me feel like now it's a chore for her and I know she's not into it so i dont want to...and so we either go do it as a chore or she gets mad 'that i'm acting weird' and goes to bed. And it's not that I dont pay attention to her, I've told her 'babe even if you just want me to go down on you and that's it I love doing that just let me know'. There's not even any play during the day, I said the other day can you just kiss me every now and then out of the blue? I mean I call her hot twice a day, smack her butt, kiss her randomly, go rawr (however you make the cat noise). I make her feel sexy but god forbid I wrap my arms around her and try to be intimate for 5 seconds. She almost runs away from it. 

So I guess now I'm asking how do I get off my own roller coaster. I can't stop myself from being pulled back into the loop every time she throws out starfish pitty sex once a month. It's like a drug, I try to get off the stuff but I can't stop. Porn is a temporary relief but it doesn't fill that emotional gap. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. It consumes my thoughts. How do people deal with this situation?


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## fleet (Aug 26, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> god forbid I wrap my arms around her and try to be intimate for 5 seconds. She almost runs away from it.


As I read your post, I though I was reading about a woman with low drive and simply not interested. But given the statement above, do you think it could be a larger issue like fear of intimacy?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Stop treating her like a princess and find yourself a mistress. I'm not kidding. You both deserve it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When did the sex drop off?

Does she work outside the home?

Usually when this happens, it's because the spouse who appears to be LD is resentful. So what is she resentful about?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When you were dating, did you ask her, "hey wanna have sex?" Lord I hope not!

Read up on responsive desire.

Foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day.

Enagage her mind into the erotic.

Be playful with her, but not annoying. Challenge her to an arm wrestle. Play tackle with her. Pick her up and carry her to the bed as you pin her down then about I won, and challenge her again. 

Make foreplay fun, make sex fun, make getting ready for sex fun.

Read what I wrote, then ask yourself, what is fun about... Wanna have sex?


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Have you asked her what she likes? Have you tried having an entire sexual encounter devoted to her own pleasure, with no expectation that she will pleasure you? You make it sound like the only problem here is that your own needs are not being met. Maybe she needs to feel like her own pleasure is a priority too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

Have you tried getting her to watch some hot porn with you?..Most women will get aroused by doing this...Unfortunately, if she didn't show hot moments before marriage this behavior could be just carrying through...How about sleeping naked?...This could be another turn on...The naked body gets aroused more easily....

Good luck and if this continues have her check with her OB-GYN for some sort of Estrogen supplement...This could be a salve that she uses vaginally....She does sound like she needs help...and to make it worse she is happy not being in the habit of wanting what she should want.....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> When you were dating, did you ask her, "hey wanna have sex?" Lord I hope not!
> 
> Read up on responsive desire.
> 
> ...


Just spitballing here, but from reading his posts I sense that he's doing what I used to do in my former marriage.

He talks about trying different things, making suggestions, etc. but that it gets him nowhere. Same with me. After a while you feel like you've tried everything and it doesn't work, or works very rarely. Far to rare to make it 'worth it' in terms of energy spent versus the actual frequency of success.

"Wanna play?" (that was my line) isn't sexy. It isn't romantic. It isn't riddled with foreplay and erotic images. But it is also a lot easier than going through a lot of effort for what is likely to be a small rate of success. Even asking "Wanna go play?" can be emotionally taxing, you have a huge build up on it some days as you think for hours how best to ask, when is best to ask, etc. and the odds are stacked against you. Why put in a great deal of effort like you suggest when you still stand a sizable chance of getting turned down?

That was what went on in my marriage, and it was a big reason why it isn't one still. I know I wouldn't have minded putting in a full days worth of efforts such as you described every time I was in the mood, but the success rate needs to be there to validate it. He's said they have sex once a month now, and clearly he wants far more than that. He's likely tried somethings similar to what you suggested and its gotten him little in return, so whats the point. There's better uses for that time, such as watching football, learning a hobby or spending hours on the internet scoping out the best way to handle a divorce.


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

kingsfan said:


> "Wanna play?" (that was my line) isn't sexy. It isn't romantic. It isn't riddled with foreplay and erotic images. But it is also a lot easier than going through a lot of effort for what is likely to be a small rate of success. Even asking "Wanna go play?" can be emotionally taxing, you have a huge build up on it some days as you think for hours how best to ask, when is best to ask, etc. and the odds are stacked against you. Why put in a great deal of effort like you suggest when you still stand a sizable chance of getting turned down?


This exactly. I've actually planned entire days with dinner and massages and subtle hints and got turned down. 

I make sure to pay attention to her and have told her I'd totally be down with just getting her off any time if she wants, but she just doesn't want it.

I think there is some fear of intimacy, she has the personality like she's scared of being judged. But I constantly tell her how hot she is, how what she does is amazing, how she doesn't need to worry and I I'm her husband and love her no matter what. I think it's a combination of this and just no drive (so she's scared of doing something wrong, but doesn't really care because she doesn't want to do it anyway).

I just need to know how to get out of the cycle. I've just sworn it off to myself again but in a week or two when she says what's wrong and i tell her and she offers it I dont know if i'll have the guts to say "I dont want it, because i'm tired of this roller coaster".


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Whether you want to try more things to fix your marriage (which sounds extremely unlikely to occur), or you want to end it, you need to start by turning down the monthly pity sex and let your indignation and anger build. You need this in order to ACT. Once you reach that point, you will need to destabilize your marriage, perhaps by filing for divorce. The shock of doing so may jolt her into an attempt to save it, and you will need to insist on medical and psychological help and marriage counselling, and within a reasonable time begin to see sincere - and _sustained_! - attempts to build intimacy, or you proceed with divorce.

Others here have great suggestions on the destabilization process and how to handle it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, you married her knowing she was like this. You then created children. So you should get some therapy to understand why you would get yourself into this situation.

You are the one who has to change. You should stop doing most of the things you describe that you are doing.
Stop talking to her
Stop begging
Stop accepting pity sex
Stop acting like you need sex
Stop groping her
Stop making the cat noise.

Would you do any of these things if you started dating a woman and were trying to pick her lock?

If you are willing to take some steps that could lead to less sex in the beginning and more sex in the future, I could give you some advice.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

she sounds either uber LD, or is having an affair elsewhere. Check on the later with some snooping. But if she is LD and pushes you away..well that is not a marriage. Tell her you are thinking of leaving because there is no sex in the marriage, and you want to find a woman that loves you and wants your body before you get too old. See if that gets any sort of response.


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

No she's 8 months old now. I appreciate everyones responses. I know the kids make it a lot harder and i was dumb to keep overlooking the issue or pretending it wasnt one. I honestly dont know if she has it in her to change which is why im trying to find a way to cope, i cant imagine leaving my kids. I know shed get them she only works 2 days a week.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your goal is not to get your wife to want sex.

It's to get her to want to do anything possible to make you happy.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for the situation and for the struggles you are in. I have counseled with couples and understand that sex is one of the most common things that cause dissatisfaction in a marriage relationship. I read everything that you have "tried to do" but did not see anything about counseling. This is a big deal because of how it makes you feel and what it does to you inwardly. You do not need to feel guilt because you want to have sex with your wife. If there was no sex most men probably wouldn't get married, but keeping it inside and never dealing with the real issue isn't helping in any way.

Sex is as big a part of marriage as is communication, finances, and anything else that defines a true intimate relationship. I recommend a book titled _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book which provides specific steps to take in order to change your marriage. Having an affair is an awful option. If you didn't love your wife or your children you wouldn't be experiencing such heartache - you would just be indifferent. But you do love her and that's why I encourage you to do whatever it takes to produce change.

I am aware of a Christian ministry which provides a free session with a state licensed therapist by phone. If you are interested just send me a private message and I will share the information. There is help available and settling in your heart that things will never change will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope to hear from you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> ...i cant imagine leaving my kids. I know shed get them she only works 2 days a week.


She won't necessarily "get them." Most divorces are 50/50 custody.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't about kids. You said the problem started when you were dating. She's being her normal self, the person you married. She didn't hide her aversion for sex. 
She withholds basic human needs from you, so why would you be treating her like a queen? Desirable behavior gets rewarded. Knock off the begging. Quit it with the flowers and romantic gestures. Those are for lovers. That's not what you have. Even though she doesn't particularly like romance or sex and married you even though she had apparently no intention of giving you either, she is getting something out of being married. Figure out what that is and give in abundance when she gives in abundance, withhold when she withholds. Whatever you do, don't beg and don't accept any pity sex. Before I'd approach her for sex again, dust and cobwebs would form between her legs. If she doesn't want her husband to be sexually interested in her, show her no more sexual interest than you would give a box of Wheaties. I'd find something interesting to do elsewhere (preferably in an atmosphere where there is an abundance of very desirable women). You have two small kids, so make sure you stay home long enough to spend quality time with them, but once they are in bed, head off to your second job or your night classes at college, the gym, synchronized swimming classes, or whatever else would make you scarce and give her the notion that you are in the company of sexually active women who might find you desirable. I wouldn't date one or have sex with one, but a subtle reminder to your wife that she has something to lose if she doesn't rediscover her vagina wouldn't hurt.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. The above post.

I discovered this lesson after divorce, entering the dating scene again. Quite by accident. 

It's funny. Every single lady gave me the "I'm 40 now and I know what I want. I don't want to just give it away anymore. It has to mean something. So I'll let you know when I'm ready"

Well. Fine by me. It's not like I was going to get married again. So I'd have fun with it. Like I was a teenager again. Lots of grinding, kissing. Agressive behavior. But I'd always stop the bus ride when the tension was the highest. Just get up and walk away. Like a light switch. Nicely done though. A quick kiss and ass grab. Let them know I was still interested, but I didn't "need" it.

A few weeks of that, and every one of them literally threw me on the bed and took what they wanted. 

It's funny. The less i would show i need it, the more I actually got. That whole princess idolizing thing with my ex didn't work for me either.

Not sure if ths would work in your situation, though.

But for starters. Go out three nights a week. Take boxing or martial arts or race car driving. Stop idolizing. Stop bending over backwards.

Since I'm not emotionally entangled like you are at the moment...heck..I'd even grab her ass and give her the ten second kiss. But always walk away with no regrets or frustration. Let her know you don't need it, and your confident you could get it if you really wanted it. Maybe just not with her in the future picture if she doesn't also want to work for it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> This exactly. I've actually planned entire days with dinner and massages and subtle hints and got turned down.
> 
> I make sure to pay attention to her and have told her I'd totally be down with just getting her off any time if she wants, but she just doesn't want it.
> 
> ...


Coming from a situation you seem to be in now, here's my take.

Telling her you'll 'get her off' anytime she wants, understand one thing. She DOESN'T want. At least not from you, and odds are at all from anyone. She's as horny as a beachball right now. 

You can mention sex all you want, drop subtle hints, make suppers, buy flowers, rub her back or whatever you want. Right now this won't change unless you do one thing. Talk to her.

And by talk, I don't mean a 'dear, it'd be nice to have sex' talk. I mean a 'Our sex life doesn't work for me, this NEEDS to be fixed now.' You need to be blunt and honest about the problem and how it hurts you. Be 100% open and honest. 

After that, see how she responds, but be ready to hold her that response. My ex-wife about one minute into the talk (and I gave 'the talk' a few times) would say 'Well fine, go find someone else then.'

So I did. She didn't think I'd ever leave, so she tried to shut down the conversation but basically telling me to piss off. It took a few times, but I did leave. I left for more reasons than a lack of sex, but I let her know it was an issue for me. After I left I had sex tossed my way repeatedly from her. Suddenly she was more than happy to talk about it.

Its up to you if you want to leave or not, especially with sure young kids. But if she says anything else, hold her to what she says. If she says the problem is she's to tired, tell her she needs to find a way to get more rest. Then hold her to it. If she's not, call her on it. If she says she's to stressed, tell her to figure out how to unload the stress. Then hold her to it.

And please, stop treating her like a princess. Tell her that she's getting the royal treatment and you are done doing it. She gets what she gives.

Be prepared for her to maybe leave too. One thing to keep in mind, you won't lose your kids outright if you are willing to go to court over it (and you don't have a criminal record or other issues). I know I didn't lose mine.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Whilst this won't help much, there are women out there who just arent 'in to' sex. They simply don't see it as important and worse still, don't and won't understand just how important it is to men (their husbands).

My wife is the same...she can't do the intimacy thing either...and its not just towards me either....towards the children too.

You can't get a leopard to change its spots.....just as you cant get a woman like this to change either. 
I think the most you will get is 'duty sex' once maybe twice a month.

What can the OP do now?

1)Accept that his wife is the way she is and get on with life
2)Leave but accept that his children will no longer be an integral part of his life - not the way they are now
3)Have a girlfriend on the side - whether he tells his wife or not is up to him

My wifes attitude towards sex is the same.....doesn't bother her neither does it bother her that it bothers me.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> So I guess now I'm asking how do I get off my own roller coaster. I can't stop myself from being pulled back into the loop every time she throws out starfish pitty sex once a month. It's like a drug, I try to get off the stuff but I can't stop.


If you really want to, you *will* stop yourself. As it stands considering you are justifying the staying, you are not willing to get off the roller coaster.

You are capable of self determination, therefore you are the only person who can do something about it.

Whether you will or not, is solely up to you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My observation is that in these situations people first exhaust the possibilities trying to get their spouse to come around to liking sex more. 

After those are exhausted people start to try to dial their own desire down to match their partners.

After that doesn't work it's time to fish or cut bait. It's entirely possible to completely turn off sexually to your spouse, but its not possible to be be different. Us or them. 

I've spent a year weighing my marriage against what I want and need sexually. I can have one or the other, but not both. While it's easy for me to wish every unhappy spouse on this board would file for divorce, that's easy to say because it's not me. I'm not there yet and I don't know that I ever will be there. My husband is a great, hard working, fun supportive spouse who will never ever see sex the same way I do. 

It sucks, sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> "Wanna play?" (that was my line) isn't sexy. It isn't romantic. It isn't riddled with foreplay and erotic images. But it is also a lot easier than going through a lot of effort for what is likely to be a small rate of success. Even asking "Wanna go play?" can be emotionally taxing, you have a huge build up on it some days as you think for hours how best to ask, when is best to ask, etc. and the odds are stacked against you. Why put in a great deal of effort like you suggest when you still stand a sizable chance of getting turned down?


:iagree:

My line is, "Want to go have sex?" Real sexy huh.  But it is what it is. I also plan out when is it best to ask. Although asking is lame, it's hard to put yourself out there too much, if you're probably just going to get rejected anyway.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My line is, "Want to go have sex?" Real sexy huh.  But it is what it is. I also plan out when is it best to ask. Although asking is lame, it's hard to put yourself out there too much, if you're probably just going to get rejected anyway.


We need t-shirts that say "Wanna go have sex?" on the front and "I didn't think so." on the back. It would save a lot of useless talking.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

4x4 said:


> We need t-shirts that say "Wanna to go have sex?" on the front and "I didn't think so." on the back. I would save a lot of talk.


:lol:

Genius! We could make them trademarked for TAM members only.


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## thetiredmommy (Sep 10, 2014)

I don't know. OP, it seems like you have sex sometimes, right? Sex does drop off after marriage. Maybe she's being turned off because you keep pressuring her or she's afraid of physical contact because she knows that any contact will lead to you wanting sex.


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

Thanks to everyone i really didnt expect so many replies but it really helps seeming all the perspectives and points of view. 

So she asked me at work why im mad and i didnt want to answer but i knew it was then or when i got home. So i laid into her that im tired of the roller coaster and i cant do it anymore and it feels like we're just roommates. I did suggest counseling which she was hesitant to but didnt shoot down. She said she feels like we're roommates too and we need to spend more time doing things together and suggsted we plan for twice a week to do activites either as a family or me n her. I agreed and said one of those nights could involve games after the kids go to bed (something sexual and leading to sex) or something like that. She agreed and it went well this week. 

After all your advice im going to try to stay vigilant and keep her to this and take steps if she doesnt. Im trying to stay wary that this doesnt turn into just another talk and short term fix and go away. Ive also talked to a close friend who said 'if shes hesitant about your ideas u just need to tell her no we're going to do this'. So we'll see.


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## thetiredmommy (Sep 10, 2014)

kingsfan said:


> Coming from a situation you seem to be in now, here's my take.
> 
> Telling her you'll 'get her off' anytime she wants, understand one thing. She DOESN'T want. At least not from you, and odds are at all from anyone. She's as horny as a beachball right now.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I understand this. You mean to say that she'll be more in the mood if he is less nice to her? What about courting her, telling her she's beautiful, and taking her to old spots where their love began to grow?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

thetiredmommy said:


> I'm not sure I understand this. You mean to say that she'll be more in the mood if he is less nice to her? What about courting her, telling her she's beautiful, and taking her to old spots where their love began to grow?


People take things for granted and get lazy when they believe they have a sure thing. This is not a value judgment-- just a description of human nature.

Husband is really into his wife. Wife is pretty indifferent to him. Is wife likely to have a strong reaction to husband saying (or doing something to demonstrate)--- hey honey, I am really, REALLY into you. She already knows this. It is as ordinary as the air she is breathing.

She is more likely to notice and have a different reaction if the thing she takes for granted suddenly isn't there any more.


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## thetiredmommy (Sep 10, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> People take things for granted and get lazy when they believe they have a sure thing. This is not a value judgment-- just a description of human nature.
> 
> Husband is really into his wife. Wife is pretty indifferent to him. Is wife likely to have a strong reaction to husband saying (or doing something to demonstrate)--- hey honey, I am really, REALLY into you. She already knows this. It is as ordinary as the air she is breathing.
> 
> She is more likely to notice and have a different reaction if the thing she takes for granted suddenly isn't there any more.


Oh I see the point he was making now. Hmm...but doesn't the feel manipulative to "act" in that way to make her feel insecure about the relationship?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

It is manipulative if it is done for the sole purpose of trying to convince her into wanting something.

On the other hand, it would not be manipulative if husband just decided he had better use of his time than trying to unlock his wife's affections.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

You probably don't want to hear this. Journal of America Medical Association (JAMA) 1999 report 43% of American women are sexually dysfunctional. No MC or Doctor can cure this! 

Your wife just had a baby, sex produces babies she most likely will not want sex until after breast feeding has stop. If you need sex I would try opening up your marriage for now. Good luck!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Stop treating her like a princess and find yourself a mistress. I'm not kidding. You both deserve it.


This must be how you've handled your sitch, since you keep suggesting it to others.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> This must be how you've handled your sitch, since you keep suggesting it to others.


You told me you'd be discreet about us!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Now you've blown it, I was trying to make it seem like it wasn't me.

Mods could you please delete all posts between me and WOM immediately, thanks.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

D'oh


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

thetiredmommy said:


> I'm not sure I understand this. You mean to say that she'll be more in the mood if he is less nice to her? What about courting her, telling her she's beautiful, and taking her to old spots where their love began to grow?


Tell her the truth, but don't put her on a pedestal. Also, it appears love for the OP can grow, at least in part, out of a healthy sexual relationship and she has apparently no need to try to work on that. Why would he reward her neglect for his needs?

He has been courting her, and courting her hard by the way he described the situation and where'd that get him?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> After all your advice im going to try to stay vigilant and keep her to this and take steps if she doesnt. Im trying to stay wary that this doesnt turn into just another talk and short term fix and go away. Ive also talked to a close friend who said 'if shes hesitant about your ideas u just need to tell her no we're going to do this'. So we'll see.


It will be a short term fix. Because in order to get a wife to desire sex, you have to act attractively. So what are you doing to act more attractively? You STARTED by stating that things are not working for you. But you have to make it your mode of operation. Regarding what your close friend said, he's on the right track. He's getting at telling you to be confident and sure of what you want. But, it's too controlling. Invite her and if she rejects it, you allow her to make choices. But she should understand what those choices mean (i.e. you tell her that it means she is not committed to her marriage and that you need a wife who is committed to you).


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