# Affair 25 years ago



## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Hi all, I guess my post is a lesson to show that everything really does eventually come back to bite you. I’ve been married 32 years, the first 10 years were rocky. My husband had drug and gambling issues that we needed to work through but he eventually became a good husband and father and now grandfather. However I found out a few months ago through Ancestry.com that he fathered a child (now adult) 25 years ago through infidelity. He admitted to the affair, apologized, cried, and was profoundly sorry. He does not want contact with this person as he feels they have a “father” in their current home and he deleted his ancestry account to prevent future problems. However I feel like a loser and a moron. It’s been months, and I’m in therapy, but I still feel pretty bad and still pretty angry. Any tips on how to move forward? Our marriages WAS in a great place prior to this discovery.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What is he doing to help you cope with this new info?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sorry to hear this. Keeping this hidden, not only infidelity but a child is quite something to accept. If at all. Your H lived a lie by omission for 25 years.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

. Your marriage wasn't in a great place before this because you lacked crucial information about your husband. You just thought it was in a great place because you didn't know about the affair or the child.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry your here, and that you're going through that.

The simple answer is, do you want to be married with the man your H has become (before you found out about the son)?

It's a hard spot, not uncommon in society, sadly.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Did he know about the infidelity baby at the time or did he just find out? I assume he knew as his name is likely on the birth certificate.

If he knew, he's been lying to you for 25 years.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> What is he doing to help you cope with this new info?


Apologizing a lot. And he’s gotten into therapy. I’m not sure what else I need him to do though I feel I do need more.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> Did he know about the infidelity baby at the time or did he just find out? I assume he knew as his name is likely on the birth certificate.
> 
> If he knew, he's been lying to you for 25 years.


No he didn’t know he had fathered a child. Ancestry told him. She was also married at the time so I’m guessing her husbands name is on the birth certificate.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> Did he know about the infidelity baby at the time or did he just find out? I assume he knew as his name is likely on the birth certificate.
> 
> If he knew, he's been lying to you for 25 years.


He just found out. But he’s still been lying though honestly I wish I didn’t know.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Sorry to hear this. Keeping this hidden, not only infidelity but a child is quite something to accept. If at all. Your H lived a lie by omission for 25 years.


Yes it is indeed a lie by omission though he didn’t know he fathered a child.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What exactly is the purpose of therapy?

He had an affair a long time ago, kept it from you, and it came back to bite him.

Therapy is to address current behavioral issues.

So what is the goal of his therapy? I feel like a lot of people run to therapy to basically ******** and avoid consequences for ****ty choices. I'm not suggesting its never a a good thing, I just think it's good to be clear on what you're going to get out of it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My opinion: if he’s changed his ways and been a good husband for many years, then he’s truly changed. He was a horrible person in the past. If he’s been a good person for many years, work it out, try to forgive, maybe consider a post nup to give him consequences if his ugly past returns to bite you in the arse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Apple12 You found out about an affair. Was it the only affair? Or are there more?

If he found out via Ancestry, chances are others might, including the son's half-siblings, other relatives, etc.

They were not using protection, so if he had other affairs he might have fathered other children.

You need more information.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> What exactly is the purpose of therapy?
> 
> He had an affair a long time ago, kept it from you, and it came back to bite him.
> 
> ...


He had pretty severe abuse in his childhood and as I said, struggled with addiction issues. I think the abuse needs to be dealt with as he never received help for it. I figure now is better than never.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> My opinion: if he’s changed his ways and been a good husband for many years, then he’s truly changed. He was a horrible person in the past. If he’s been a good person for many years, work it out, try to forgive, maybe consider a post nup to give him consequences if his ugly past returns to bite you in the arse.


I never heard of a post nup. I’ll look into it.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Apple12 You found out about an affair. Was it the only affair? Or are there more?
> 
> If he found out via Ancestry, chances are others might, including the son's half-siblings, other relatives, etc.
> 
> ...


He claims it was the only affair. But how could I ever really know? I either choose to believe or not.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> . Your marriage wasn't in a great place before this because you lacked crucial information about your husband. You just thought it was in a great place because you didn't know about the affair or the child.


Yes that’s true. I was a happy idiot.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry your here, and that you're going through that.
> 
> The simple answer is, do you want to be married with the man your H has become (before you found out about the son)?
> 
> It's a hard spot, not uncommon in society, sadly.


That is the million dollar question.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Apple12 said:


> That is the million dollar question.


It's going to be difficult to make that decision. But hang in there. You'll get there.

Best wishes


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You could try to set up a polygraph to ask questions about him ever having other affairs, but they aren't 100%.
You may get him to confess to any others before he actually goes in to the test though, if he's had them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d hold it over his head that he sign a post nup in order for you to stay and if you find out more and choose divorce, he gets a screwing vs doing the screwing like he did years ago and never received consequences for. Did he confess about the child 🧒 r did you catch him?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

So when you married him did he have the addiction and gambling issues or did those arise post marriage? Was this affair an ongoing thing or was it a ONS? 

Thinking back all those years, forget about everything since then what would you have done if he had immediately told you about it and shown true remorse what do you think the 25 years younger you would have chosen to do then. 

I ask this because based on what we know it seems like he is a rare person who has made a significant change and has become a far better person. If the 25 years younger you would have found out and given him a second chance today you would be sitting here an example of a reconciliation success story. 

The hanging onto the secret for 25 years is obviously problematic. But in my opinion he was a messed up person back then who messed up bad in a lot of ways. I can somewhat see a point of view that he came out of the fog of addiction and bad choices, turned himself around and in his head he was protecting you from a mistake a completely different version of himself made. Granted this viewpoint is putting the best possible spin on it. 

I think therapy for yourself is the best thing to be doing right now as this information is a nuclear bombshell that just exploded in your lap. Give it sometime and work through it a bit with your therapist before making any decisions at this point. I think your husband being in therapy to work through the abuse is good. I would guess that if there are anymore secrets the therapist will be urging him to come clean on anything else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> No he didn’t know he had fathered a child. Ancestry told him. She was also married at the time so I’m guessing her husbands name is on the birth certificate.


So not only did he cheat, he cheated with a married women, presumably without using protection so putting you at risk of STD's. For him its in the past, for you its as if it just happened so the shock will be just the same as if he cheated last week. 
You must also be wondering if you can trust him after all these years of deception, and whether he has been honest about the extent of the affair and if there were any more women. You would never have have found out if it wasnt for that site.

This is a hard one, it will take years to get through this if you choose to stay, some do and some dont. Some can and some can't. Some just cant trust again and feel they have been living a lie. Its also sad to think that the OW's husband probably doesnt even know he isnt the dad, what a mess.

Of course its entirely possible that the now adult child has also found out who his real dad is from that site, and he may come looking.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> He claims it was the only affair. But how could I ever really know? I either choose to believe or not.


Has he come clean about the extent of the affair. IE who she was, how long it lasted etc?

I think that for me it would be the deep deception that would be just as bad as the affair, when the trust has gone what else is there?. If he can lie about something so massive then what else can he lie about? 

You could ask him to take a polygraph test. I think I would in your position, and I would ask about other women and about the affair you know about They are not 100% accurate but not far off.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> . Your marriage wasn't in a great place before this because you lacked crucial information about your husband. You just thought it was in a great place because you didn't know about the affair or the child.


Take note of this, OP — every word of it is correct.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> Hi all, I guess my post is a lesson to show that everything really does eventually come back to bite you. I’ve been married 32 years, the first 10 years were rocky. My husband had drug and gambling issues that we needed to work through but he eventually became a good husband and father and now grandfather. However I found out a few months ago through Ancestry.com that he fathered a child (now adult) 25 years ago through infidelity. He admitted to the affair, apologized, cried, and was profoundly sorry. He does not want contact with this person as he feels they have a “father” in their current home and he deleted his ancestry account to prevent future problems. However I feel like a loser and a moron. It’s been months, and I’m in therapy, but I still feel pretty bad and still pretty angry. Any tips on how to move forward? Our marriages WAS in a great place prior to this discovery.


He has no idea if the now adult child has a father . They may be divorced. The husband may have found out about the affair, he doesnt know. Poor kid.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> He claims it was the only affair. But how could I ever really know? I either choose to believe or not.


A properly organise polygraph test might help.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You could try to set up a polygraph to ask questions about him ever having other affairs, but they aren't 100%.
> You may get him to confess to any others before he actually goes in to the test though, if he's had them.


It’s true. They are not 100%. It just might make more problems but I will think about it.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d hold it over his head that he sign a post nup in order for you to stay and if you find out more and choose divorce, he gets a screwing vs doing the screwing like he did years ago and never received consequences for. Did he confess about the child 🧒 r did you catch him?


He didn’t know about the child. That I believe because he was pretty shocked to see the ancestry results. He claimed OW broke it off after one time sleeping together. Hard to believe but that’s what he claims.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> A properly organise polygraph test might help.


Maybe. I’m considering it. But somehow it feels wrong if I have to go this route.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Has he come clean about the extent of the affair. IE who she was, how long it lasted etc?
> 
> I think that for me it would be the deep deception that would be just as bad as the affair, when the trust has gone what else is there?. If he can lie about something so massive then what else can he lie about?
> 
> You could ask him to take a polygraph test. I think I would in your position, and I would ask about other women and about the affair you know about They are not 100% accurate but not far off.


I’ve asked him to come clean and he gave me some details. That she worked for him at his previous job, that she broke it off early in the affair (maya be found out she was pregnant?). He was moved to a different work location soon after and didn’t see her again. I too feel like what else has he lied about. But then again, I also understand not telling for fear of loss of everything.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

You might be facing a Principle vs. Pragmatism choice here. Your husband did you wrong, justice demands some kind of answer. You're completely entitled to divorce this man because his infidelity is a fresh wound to you. However, your rational mind knows that he has been a good husband to you of late. How much do you value those recent years? Heart vs. Mind. There are consequences for both of you no matter which way you chose to go.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> So not only did he cheat, he cheated with a married women, presumably without using protection so putting you at risk of STD's. For him its in the past, for you its as if it just happened so the shock will be just the same as if he cheated last week.
> You must also be wondering if you can trust him after all these years of deception, and whether he has been honest about the extent of the affair and if there were any more women. You would never have have found out if it wasnt for that site.
> 
> This is a hard one, it will take years to get through this if you choose to stay, some do and some dont. Some can and some can't. Some just cant trust again and feel they have been living a lie. Its also sad to think that the OW's husband probably doesnt even know he isnt the dad, what a mess.
> ...


It is an awful mess, I agree. I can’t believe I’m in the middle of it all. I hate him for putting me in jeopardy for stds and for breaking our trust.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> So when you married him did he have the addiction and gambling issues or did those arise post marriage? Was this affair an ongoing thing or was it a ONS?
> 
> Thinking back all those years, forget about everything since then what would you have done if he had immediately told you about it and shown true remorse what do you think the 25 years younger you would have chosen to do then.
> 
> ...


He used some drugs when we were dating but it was getting progressively worse and reached an ugly peak early in our marriage. He went to rehab but I think even though the drugs stopped, he still thought like an addict. The OW was not in his life prior to our marriage. I don’t know what I would have done if I had found out then. I think I would have left but it’s hard for me to truely know. I had 3 small kids when this happened. I might have stayed out of necessity.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> You might be facing a Principle vs. Pragmatism choice here. Your husband did you wrong, justice demands some kind of answer. You're completely entitled to divorce this man because his infidelity is a fresh wound to you. However, your rational mind knows that he has been a good husband to you of late. How much do you value those recent years? Heart vs. Mind. There are consequences for both of you no matter which way you chose to go.


You hit the nail on the head. I feel he needs to suffer, but when I do make him suffer, he weeps and apologizes and I feel horrible. Hard to feel that I have to take care of him while I’m trying to take care of myself.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> You hit the nail on the head. I feel he needs to suffer, but when I do make him suffer, he weeps and apologizes and I feel horrible. Hard to feel that I have to take care of him while I’m trying to take care of myself.


The regular posters here will be able to hook you up with some good books that your husband should read, focused on how to help YOU heal. It's good that he's feeling YOUR pain. He needs to man up and help you, rather than you helping him. He needs to really understand the depth of trauma you're feeling. For a lot of people the after-effects of infidelity are an abstraction. He's now getting a first hand view but even that doesn't really put him in your heart and mind. That's where the books really help to open eyes.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> The regular posters here will be able to hook you up with some good books that your husband should read, focused on how to help YOU heal. It's good that he's feeling YOUR pain. He needs to man up and help you, rather than you helping him. He needs to really understand the depth of trauma you're feeling. For a lot of people the after-effects of infidelity are an abstraction. He's now getting a first hand view but even that doesn't really put him in your heart and mind. That's where the books really help to open eyes.


That sounds really helpful. I would appreciate that. I almost feel like I have PTSD though I know that diagnosis should be saved for more serious traumas. But it’s a trauma for me nonetheless.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> That sounds really helpful. I would appreciate that. I almost feel like I have PTSD though I know that diagnosis should be saved for more serious traumas. But it’s a trauma for me nonetheless.


There is a condition called PISD, Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. Don't minimize that comparison to PTSD, what you're feeling is real, it's deep, it's life-changing and marriage changing. The past in your marriage is dead. This new information changes everything that happened and changes how you see your man. There's no going back. You're in for a rough ride. This is a new wound. 

Now for some people, they really get bothered by the 25 year lie of the relationship, they feel that their life has been stolen from them. Some others don't attach that much meaning to the lie. In your case, your husband didn't actively deceive you about this child, just the affair. You will make of this what you will. Some just can't get over it, but for others they can put aside the active lie of omission and rationalize away the long ago affair by focusing on the recent good times. For some, they let their heart guide them, for others they let their intellect lead them to where they desire to go.

Read the forum archives, other people who've walked your path. You're going to go through stages, the next 6 months are going to be difficult, then the wound will, somewhat, start to heal but you're still looking at 2-5 years of reminders, some daily, some intermittent, but your marriage is forever redefined.

Some folks, I'm sure, will come forward with good book recommendations. Get those books.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He had an affair during the 10 rocky years of his drinking and gambling issues. He since got himself straight and has been an exemplary husband according to you. This has come back to bite him and he did not know about it.
He needs to come clean about any other affairs too though. If there are othes, you need to know.
I cannot see that there is much that he can do about it, it is what it is. You knew him not to be an upstanding guy when this all happened but now he is so what has changed except for this matter. You seem to have forgiven him for the 10 bad years and how he treated you, although a much more serious consequence it is nothing he can do anything about.
I think you both should have time apart from each other, no marriage counselling, that solves nothing. Work on how you accept this, you have to, with or without him. He is probably devastated as he has put a nuclear bomb in what seemed to be a good marriage. Let the dust settle and ask yourself, do you want to leave him for something that happened in the past that he cannot control?
Take time out from each other. He however, must be prepared to answer all your questions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> Maybe. I’m considering it. But somehow it feels wrong if I have to go this route.


Nope. the wrong is that he caused this.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> There is a condition called PISD, Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. Don't minimize that comparison to PTSD, what you're feeling is real, it's deep, it's life-changing and marriage changing. The past in your marriage is dead. This new information changes everything that happened and changes how you see your man. There's no going back. You're in for a rough ride. This is a new wound.
> 
> Now for some people, they really get bothered by the 25 year lie of the relationship, they feel that their life has been stolen from them. Some others don't attach that much meaning to the lie. In your case, your husband didn't actively deceive you about this child, just the affair. You will make of this what you will. Some just can't get over it, but for others they can put aside the active lie of omission and rationalize away the long ago affair by focusing on the recent good times. For some, they let their heart guide them, for others they let their intellect lead them to where they desire to go.
> 
> ...


Thank you for legitimizing my trauma. I didn’t know about PISD, thank you for telling me. I am trying to learn as much as I can to better understand and handle my situation and have already been reading through the forums. There’s so much there but I’m appreciative of it. Right now my emotions are a rollercoaster. Some moments I want him gone and others I don’t. I have no idea where this will take me. Thank you for your kindness.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

aine said:


> He had an affair during the 10 rocky years of his drinking and gambling issues. He since got himself straight and has been an exemplary husband according to you. This has come back to bite him and he did not know about it.
> He needs to come clean about any other affairs too though. If there are othes, you need to know.
> I cannot see that there is much that he can do about it, it is what it is. You knew him not to be an upstanding guy when this all happened but now he is so what has changed except for this matter. You seem to have forgiven him for the 10 bad years and how he treated you, although a much more serious consequence it is nothing he can do anything about.
> I think you both should have time apart from each other, no marriage counselling, that solves nothing. Work on how you accept this, you have to, with or without him. He is probably devastated as he has put a nuclear bomb in what seemed to be a good marriage. Let the dust settle and ask yourself, do you want to leave him for something that happened in the past that he cannot control?
> Take time out from each other. He however, must be prepared to answer all your questions.


Thank you for this. Intellectually I know what you are saying is true but emotionally it feels like I’m a fool. I hate that feeling. And I hate feeling like a victim. He absolutely is devastated and while I am glad to see that, I also feel that his devastation is not my problem. I’m all for letting the dust settle. I just hope it eventually does. It’s been too raw.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. the wrong is that he caused this.


True


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> Thank you for legitimizing my trauma. I didn’t know about PISD, thank you for telling me. I am trying to learn as much as I can to better understand and handle my situation and have already been reading through the forums. There’s so much there but I’m appreciative of it. Right now my emotions are a rollercoaster. Some moments I want him gone and others I don’t. I have no idea where this will take me. Thank you for your kindness.


I'm glad that folks here are helping you. The key though is for your husband to legitimize what you're feeling, to understand the true scope and nature of your feelings. 

A number of people think that what you're suffering is the equivalent of dropping a plate on the floor and being upset. You sweep up the shards of glass and then get on with your life. What the don't get is that it's like they chopped off your hand. It's permanent, every time you want to scratch your face, you're going to be reminded that HE chopped off your hand, every time you want to pick up a glass of water, you're going to be reminded that you no longer have a hand. This doesn't go away. He needs to get that.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> I'm glad that folks here are helping you. The key though is for your husband to legitimize what you're feeling, to understand the true scope and nature of your feelings.
> 
> A number of people think that what you're suffering is the equivalent of dropping a plate on the floor and being upset. You sweep up the shards of glass and then get on with your life. What the don't get is that it's like they chopped off your hand. It's permanent, every time you want to scratch your face, you're going to be reminded that HE chopped off your hand, every time you want to pick up a glass of water, you're going to be reminded that you no longer have a hand. This doesn't go away. He needs to get that.





Lance Mannion said:


> I'm glad that folks here are helping you. The key though is for your husband to legitimize what you're feeling, to understand the true scope and nature of your feelings.
> 
> A number of people think that what you're suffering is the equivalent of dropping a plate on the floor and being upset. You sweep up the shards of glass and then get on with your life. What the don't get is that it's like they chopped off your hand. It's permanent, every time you want to scratch your face, you're going to be reminded that HE chopped off your hand, every time you want to pick up a glass of water, you're going to be reminded that you no longer have a hand. This doesn't go away. He needs to get that.


yes he does.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> yes he does.


Then this is a ray of good news, he's ahead of many. Now comes the long slog. He must never tell you to "get over it already."

One thing you will see in many past threads, advice given to men, is for the man to get his kids DNA tested. Many men immediately jump to the defense of their kids and their status as fathers. These men miss the point. The point of the DNA test is to give a gut-punch to the wife about just how much trust the husband has lost in her. Nothing in their past can be trusted. Now obviously the letter of that advice doesn't apply to your immediate family, but the spirit of the advice does. Your marital history has been rewritten, you're not sure of anything. Husband needs to get that down in the core of his being. A polygraph is a good substitute to create that effect, even if there are no burning questions you want answered. His submitting to the test is a reminder to him of the severity of trust which has been lost due to his long-ago choice of action and his continued silence about it.

Once he is fully devastated alongside you, then you can both begin to rebuild together, or divorce, depending on how you feel.

Seeing how no one is coming for with book recommendations yet, one I've seen recommended frequently is "how to help your spouse heal from an affair."


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> Then this is a ray of good news, he's ahead of many. Now comes the long slog. He must never tell you to "get over it already."
> 
> One thing you will see in many past threads, advice given to men, is for the man to get his kids DNA tested. Many men immediately jump to the defense of their kids and their status as fathers. These men miss the point. The point of the DNA test is to give a gut-punch to the wife about just how much trust the husband has lost in her. Nothing in their past can be trusted. Now obviously the letter of that advice doesn't apply to your immediate family, but the spirit of the advice does. Your marital history has been rewritten, you're not sure of anything. Husband needs to get that down in the core of his being. A polygraph is a good substitute to create that effect, even if there are no burning questions you want answered. His submitting to the test is a reminder to him of the severity of trust which has been lost due to his long-ago choice of action and his continued silence about it.
> 
> ...


Yes I found the book after reading through other threads. I also found a great article from emotional affair.org. He doesn’t tell me to get over it, but he will sigh or say that I already asked some particular question many times before, which of course, I know. That article tells the cheater to answer as many times as needed and I really appreciated reading that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I could have a number of adult children show up and call me dad. If I have any other kids, I don't know it. You're hurting from the discovery, and that makes complete sense. It's a horrible thing to have happen this late in the game. Stop and think about what you want for the long term. If he's a POS, get rid of him. If he's worth keeping. work towards it. Good men and women are getting harder and harder to come by.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> Yes I found the book after reading through other threads. I also found a great article from emotional affair.org. He doesn’t tell me to get over it, but he will sigh or say that I already asked some particular question many times before, which of course, I know. That article tells the cheater to answer as many times as needed and I really appreciated reading that.


He needs to understand that this is not your rational brain dealing with the trauma, it's your hind brain. Your brain has been wired to see your husband as your most trusted protector, ally. Your brain is wired to look outward for the incoming enemies. Now you feel stabbed in the back by your most trusted ally. To whom do you want to turn for comfort? Your husband, of course. But hold it, a part of your brain screams, he is the person who hurt you. 

You repeatedly asking for details is because that is what a part of your brain is deeply calling for. It's not a rational thing because clearly you remember what he said the first 20 times you asked him. It's your brain healing itself, wanting his engagement, the details, his presence even. Don't be surprised by a spike in your anxiety if he leaves your presence. You know that the other woman is long gone, but your destroyed trust is going to kick in.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Let's go back to the very beginning. Did you talk about boundaries & notions of privacy? Were there other relevant issues that came up aside from the affair? What degree of privacy did each of you expect, if any?

Going forward, what will you be comfortable with? Will you feel more secure if he's required to let you know all his passwords, his whereabouts at all times? Would you feel comfortable insisting on that?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

re16 said:


> Did he know about the infidelity baby at the time or did he just find out? I assume he knew as his name is likely on the birth certificate.
> 
> If he knew, he's been lying to you for 25 years.


I would just like to add, there are many, many counselors and psychologists who advise cheaters to never disclose the cheating to their spouse. If it’s over, they are truly sorry and aren’t “in danger” of doing it again there is no point in devastating their partner. I’ve even heard it being called “selfish” to disclose such information to alleviate themselves of guilt. 

Not saying this is my viewpoint, but it is a very common one and maybe one that the OPs husband took or maybe was advised to all those years ago.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Apple12 said:


> Thank you for this. Intellectually I know what you are saying is true but emotionally it feels like I’m a fool. I hate that feeling. And I hate feeling like a victim. He absolutely is devastated and while I am glad to see that, I also feel that his devastation is not my problem. I’m all for letting the dust settle. I just hope it eventually does. It’s been too raw.


Of course you are traumatized as you just found out so it is a fresh wound for you and is opening up all the old stuff agan. You have no choice but to go through this, I would suggest your own IC to help you deal with it and give you tools to be able to be at peace with it. Leave your H and your marriage to the side for now. Once you sort out yourself you do not know how you will be, you may want to continue or leave the marriage. Do not let your H force you into making any decisions. Tell him, he is on his own to sort out his own **** and you will not be a shoulder to cry on, you are in no position to be strong esp. considering the mess he made, and why should you, he should be the one holding you up!
If necessary take time apart.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> Hi all, I guess my post is a lesson to show that everything really does eventually come back to bite you. I’ve been married 32 years, the first 10 years were rocky. My husband had drug and gambling issues that we needed to work through but he eventually became a good husband and father and now grandfather. However I found out a few months ago through Ancestry.com that he fathered a child (now adult) 25 years ago through infidelity. He admitted to the affair, apologized, cried, and was profoundly sorry. He does not want contact with this person as he feels they have a “father” in their current home around he deleted his ancestry account to prevent future problems. However I feel like a loser and a moron. It’s been months, and I’m in therapy, but I still feel pretty bad and still pretty angry. Any tips on how to move forward? Our marriages WAS in a great place prior to this discovery.


Do you have kids of your own with him?

There is one loser and moron in this story and it ain't you. All you were was trusting and faithful to your husband which makes you a victim in this and nothing else. You did what we are all expected to do, this happens to everyone at least once unfortunately for you it comes after 32 years, which makes it really rough. Then add the kid. One of the worst.

This is a very long and hard process. For you it's like the affair just happened. You really need to embrace that your perception of him is going to change whether you want it to or not. He didn't "become a good husband" because he lied to you about his affair for decades That, by very definition makes him the very worst of husbands the whole time. He was effectively stealing your agency which makes adultery a lot like rape.

I suggest that it is just as traumatic. Some people might be upset that I say that but whenever this suggestion comes up there will be folks who experienced both and say that the affair is worse because the shock of having it is done by someone they know and love, and there is no support system. Of course there will be other who disagree, but just the fact that some feel that way shows it is extremely traumatic. And at least close enough to put it in the same category.

So you are going to be very hurt and traumatized for a while. Also when someone does something like this to you you can help but have that effect your feelings for them. Better to prepare for that. A lot of this will be about learning how to live in your new reality.

I say all that because I am sorry to say don't expect that you should just get over this. It would be a good idea to go get some counseling, may I suggest a trauma specialist. The good news is I promise you will get better but it may take some time. You should post on here and maybe some other board where people are recovering from this. Stuff like this changes people.

I know this post is hard to read and I am sorry for that, you may even feel like I am not helping you but only making it worse, but I am really trying to prepare you so you will protect yourself. If you read these boards a lot you just know that these stories all follow the same script.

With that in mind I have to tell you, you would be profoundly unwise to trust the word of someone who was capable of lying to you for decades. If I were you I would NOT do that. I think a better way forward is to understand that you really don't know what went on or if he has giving you all the facts. I personally think the chances are very small.

I also want to warn you don't just expect that this child won't just show up one day, you will need a plan for that.

Make him get the book - Not just friends and READ IT. This is kind of the goto book on boards like this. Most people swear by it.

Next make him write a timeline of his affair and inform him this is his one chance to tell you the whole truth of what has gone on in your marriage. You should brace yourself, it's very possible there is a lot more to this and his behavior. Sounds like women might have been a part of his addictions.

Then I suggest you make him take a Polygraph exam (you probably think that is harsh but you will find out that this is very very common and what most polygraphs are used for.) We can help you with the questions, but the examiner will to. Just broaching the subject might tell you a lot of how honest and transparent he is being with you. Part of the reason for the Polygraph is to force him to be transparent. His MO is obviously to hide difficult things from you. Also you may also wish for them to stay hidden bu these thing have a way of coming out. 

The worst thing you could do is just blindly trust someone who has proven to be a liar and a good one at that. Then find out 5 years from now when you are feeling better about something else and start all over again. This is done to reestablish trust in your relationship, and is pretty common advice on boards like these. It give you the framework to start to rebuild. Besides you have a right to know who you are spending the rest of your life with.

Finally part of this is about taking the agency back in your life which create the true foundation for long term healing. You need to take charge of your healing and how the rest of your life is going to go, that includes your marriage. Part of the trauma you are experiencing is the feeling like your reality was ripped away with a few revelations. The things I outlined will help you feel more grounded again. I really don't believe people start to heal until they become assertive in their life again and start to feel safe and in control.. Only YOU can do that for yourself.

And it's OK if you can't get over this monumental betrayal and in the end want to move on. You will know this in time.

I promise you that you will have joy again, you will feel like yourself again, but like having cancer you have to first cut the cancer out, then have your chemo to finally heal, you are going to have to suffer for a while. That is what everything above is about.

I am sorry that this happened to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> I would just like to add, there are many, many counselors and psychologists who advise cheaters to never disclose the cheating to their spouse. If it’s over, they are truly sorry and aren’t “in danger” of doing it again there is no point in devastating their partner. I’ve even heard it being called “selfish” to disclose such information to alleviate themselves of guilt.
> 
> Not saying this is my viewpoint, but it is a very common one and maybe one that the OPs husband took or maybe was advised to all those years ago.


I wish more Betrayed spouses, whose cheating partners used this as a pass to tell the truth and in the process causing them to lose years of their life, having the agency stolen, would reach out these counselors after the face. They should at least be confronted with the real life circumstances of their advice.

When you understand that allowing someone to live a lie is advocating stealing ones agency you then understand how immoral this advice truly is.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> Then this is a ray of good news, he's ahead of many. Now comes the long slog. He must never tell you to "get over it already."
> 
> One thing you will see in many past threads, advice given to men, is for the man to get his kids DNA tested. Many men immediately jump to the defense of their kids and their status as fathers. These men miss the point. The point of the DNA test is to give a gut-punch to the wife about just how much trust the husband has lost in her. Nothing in their past can be trusted. Now obviously the letter of that advice doesn't apply to your immediate family, but the spirit of the advice does. Your marital history has been rewritten, you're not sure of anything. Husband needs to get that down in the core of his being. A polygraph is a good substitute to create that effect, even if there are no burning questions you want answered. His submitting to the test is a reminder to him of the severity of trust which has been lost due to his long-ago choice of action and his continued silence about it.
> 
> ...


I think that is what I’m mourning the most. That my marriage was not what I thought it was. So now I don’t know what is was or even what it currently is. It’s a weird emotional state to be in at this stage of my life (I’m 59) but I imagine it’s always a weird state to be in regardless of where one is in their marriage.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Sfort said:


> I could have a number of adult children show up and call me dad. If I have any other kids, I don't know it. You're hurting from the discovery, and that makes complete sense. It's a horrible thing to have happen this late in the game. Stop and think about what you want for the long term. If he's a POS, get rid of him. If he's worth keeping. work towards it. Good men and women are getting harder and harder to come by.


He was a POS and there were years that I wanted out of the marriage but practical reasons like finances prevented me or maybe I was scared. I don’t know. But he did a lot of self awareness work to realize how his history of child abuse probably caused his addiction issues. So he’s not a POS anymore. But I def don’t feel the same way about him anymore because I feel like I don’t know who he is, at least right now. I don’t know if that feeling will change.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think ypu should seriously consider a polygraph. It's highly unlikely this was one ONS....cheaters are notorious for only admitting what you can prove. And since this was someone he knew it's even more unlikely it was a one time thing.

Notice how he admitted to the absolute minimum he had to in order to explain a child?

Even if there was more you could make a case for letting it go if you really think he was in a bad place and has changed, though I'm not crazy about him sighing when you ask questions. Sighing is a sign of contempt and tells me he's not that great of a guy.

But forget about that for now. By keeping this from you he denied you the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding whether you wanted to stay married to him. 

If you're going to forgive him now its going to be based on the assumption that he's changed and you can't know that until you know you have the entire truth. If he's still lying then he's not a changed man.

Schedule a polygraph and watch his reaction...that will tell you a lot. Then get in the car with him and see if anything else cones out aa you're pulling into the parking lot. Then you'll at least know what you're forgiving.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree with the polygragh. It’s been 25 urs if good behavior for the guy. Let’s face it, he was a terrible husband. But he changed. Few do. He did it for himself and you didn’t have to force him or plead with him. This revelation about 25 yrs ago is hurtful for sure, but it’s something you’re going to have to deal with or you’ll be without a husband that by your own profession fits you well now. I honestly think you should count your blessings and be thankful the man you’re with now is a decent guy. There’s a helluva lot worse things that could happen.
Give him a poly and find out how many other women he’s been with in the last 25 years. If you’re the only one, I’d try and out it behind me. If he’s still up to his cheating ways, of course I’d boot him.

I know you’re hurting. I’ve been cheated on.
But it was the lousy, drunk, gambling, cheating husband that did that— not the husband you’ve got now. Keep the one you’ve got now—- be glad that other one is gone.

Wouldn’t you feel worse if you endured all of that bs and some other woman gets him after you divorce him, and has this great husband you once had? I would. Hell, ma’am, you’ve EARNED a good husband. Enjoy him and out this in the past where it belongs. I assure you, a decent husband that makes you happy for 25 yrs ain’t easy to find.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

sokillme said:


> I wish more Betrayed spouses, whose cheating partners used this as a pass to tell the truth and in the process causing them to lose years of their life, having the agency stolen, would reach out these counselors after the face. They should at least be confronted with the real life circumstances of their advice.
> 
> When you understand that allowing someone to live a lie is advocating stealing ones agency you then understand how immoral this advice truly is.


I think counselors choose the easiest path. One that will “right” their clients but not be too difficult and painful. And I think that tactic can come back to bite the couple later on in their marriage. I don’t know how I would have handled this monstrosity 25 years ago but at least it would have been my decision and not his. And I could own it and move forward anyway I wished.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> He needs to understand that this is not your rational brain dealing with the trauma, it's your hind brain. Your brain has been wired to see your husband as your most trusted protector, ally. Your brain is wired to look outward for the incoming enemies. Now you feel stabbed in the back by your most trusted ally. To whom do you want to turn for comfort? Your husband, of course. But hold it, a part of your brain screams, he is the person who hurt you.
> 
> You repeatedly asking for details is because that is what a part of your brain is deeply calling for. It's not a rational thing because clearly you remember what he said the first 20 times you asked him. It's your brain healing itself, wanting his engagement, the details, his presence even. Don't be surprised by a spike in your anxiety if he leaves your presence. You know that the other woman is long gone, but your destroyed trust is going to kick in.


Yes this is a really accurate description of what I’m feeling. I wish I could stop asking for details but I seem to be driven by compulsion to do so. They don’t always help when I get them though.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree with the polygragh. It’s been 25 urs if good behavior for the guy. Let’s face it, he was a terrible husband. But he changed. Few do. He did it for himself and you didn’t have to force him or plead with him. This revelation about 25 yrs ago is hurtful for sure, but it’s something you’re going to have to deal with or you’ll be without a husband that by your own profession fits you well now. I honestly think you should count your blessings and be thankful the man you’re with now is a decent guy. There’s a helluva lot worse things that could happen.
> Give him a poly and find out how many other women he’s been with in the last 25 years. If you’re the only one, I’d try and out it behind me. If he’s still up to his cheating ways, of course I’d boot him.
> 
> I know you’re hurting. I’ve been cheated on.
> ...


Everything you said makes sense to my brain but it’s my heart that is another story. I feel like he needs to be punished and if I don’t leave, I’m stupid. Kind of a cutting off your nose to spite your face situation. I already told him about the polygraph and he seemed unphased. We will see.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> Thank you for this. Intellectually I know what you are saying is true but emotionally it feels like I’m a fool. I hate that feeling. And I hate feeling like a victim. He absolutely is devastated and while I am glad to see that, I also feel that his devastation is not my problem. I’m all for letting the dust settle. I just hope it eventually does. It’s been too raw.


You could agree to a temporary separation, say 3 months, just to give you time and space to think and grieve and decide what to do next. I hardly think its fair for you to have to see him day after day being apparently devastated. As you say its NOT your problem. Remember he is only devastated that you found out and that the marriage may end and everyone will know. He clearly wasnt devastated by what he did, if he had been he would have told you at the time or soon after and been honest. If this hadnt happened you would never have known and that is just plain wrong and deceptive of him.
I feel his tears and shows of being so sorry are pretty manipulative to be honest. YOU are the one who has been hurt and betrayed not him.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think ypu should seriously consider a polygraph. It's highly unlikely this was one ONS....cheaters are notorious for only admitting what you can prove. And since this was someone he knew it's even more unlikely it was a one time thing.
> 
> Notice how he admitted to the absolute minimum he had to in order to explain a child?
> 
> ...


I’ve already told him I want him to take a polygraph and he said ok. Today I will start looking at dates to pin him down to an appointment. I’m pretty good at reading him so I may learn something but so far I see no reluctance. But he may think I’m bluffing. 
I gave him hell for his BS sighing already.To his small credit, he accepts what I tell him and doesn’t fight me on it. But he can still do more.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> Yes I found the book after reading through other threads. I also found a great article from emotional affair.org. He doesn’t tell me to get over it, but he will sigh or say that I already asked some particular question many times before, which of course, I know. That article tells the cheater to answer as many times as needed and I really appreciated reading that.


Wow so already he is sighing when you ask questions? Thats just awful.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Do you have kids of your own with him?
> 
> There is one loser and moron in this story and it ain't you. All you were was trusting and faithful to your husband which makes you a victim in this and nothing else. You did what we are all expected to do, this happens to everyone at least once unfortunately for you it comes after 32 years, which makes it really rough. Then add the kid. One of the worst.
> 
> ...


Your post didn’t upset me. It’s what I’ve been feeling since I found out. I am in therapy but I don’t think she’s a trauma specialist though I do like her. He is in therapy too at my request.
We do have 3 children together, they are all grown. When this happened, they were small. I’ve asked my husband to change our bank accounts to my name and we added a POD to our kids should I die before him. I know his child is innocent and a victim too, but I do not want this person to take inheritance from my kids. I will also consult a lawyer about how to be sure that doesn’t happen. right now I feel sort of numb. It’s a sh***y feeling.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> You could agree to a temporary separation, say 3 months, just to give you time and space to think and grieve and decide what to do next. I hardly think its fair for you to have to see him day after day being apparently devastated. As you say its NOT your problem. Remember he is only devastated that you found out and that the marriage may end and everyone will know. He clearly wasnt devastated by what he did, if he had been he would have told you at the time or soon after and been honest. If this hadnt happened you would never have known and that is just plain wrong and deceptive of him.
> I feel his tears and shows of being so sorry are pretty manipulative to be honest. YOU are the one who has been hurt and betrayed not him.


It’s also not fair for me to have to tend to his feeling, as I am a pretty empathetic person. I don’t know how I feel about the separation part. I found out in late August and was separated from him most of September. I asked him to come back not because I missed him but because I needed to talk about stuff and I didn’t find the phone to be a satisfactory way to do that. Sometimes I do wish to be alone with my feelings but then I wonder if I’ll be able to do the work that I need to do. I was glad, when we were apart, that I was fine with being alone. It gave me confidence that I could handle D if that’s the route I choose to take.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Let's go back to the very beginning. Did you talk about boundaries & notions of privacy? Were there other relevant issues that came up aside from the affair? What degree of privacy did each of you expect, if any?
> 
> Going forward, what will you be comfortable with? Will you feel more secure if he's required to let you know all his passwords, his whereabouts at all times? Would you feel comfortable insisting on that?


It’s interesting. I don’t feel insecure right now. I could ask for passwords but I don’t feel the need to. But I do feel very comfortable asking for that. And I’m reasonable confident that he would comply. I actually know quite a few of his passwords already. I do believe this was part of his past psyche and not his current. How extensive this was in his past is another story though, one I don’t have answers to. Reconciling this event is my biggest challenge, one I’m insure I can do.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Wow so already he is sighing when you ask questions? Thats just awful.


Yes it is awful. And I told him so.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> You could agree to a temporary separation, say 3 months, just to give you time and space to think and grieve and decide what to do next. I hardly think its fair for you to have to see him day after day being apparently devastated. As you say its NOT your problem. *Remember he is only devastated that you found out and that the marriage may end and everyone will know. He clearly wasnt devastated by what he did,* if he had been he would have told you at the time or soon after and been honest. If this hadnt happened you would never have known and that is just plain wrong and deceptive of him.
> I feel his tears and shows of being so sorry are pretty manipulative to be honest. YOU are the one who has been hurt and betrayed not him.


I totally disagree with this. Only he knows how he truly feels, and after being with this wonderful lady for 25 yrs as a good husband, I think the man is probably sick about this and all of his other past behavior. He acts like it. Why are you so in compassionate towards a man who screwed up 25 yrs ago, but TURNED HIMSELF AROUND? I’m just asking. You seem really cold towards men in general.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Apple12 said:


> Yes it is awful. And I told him so.


There’s a difference in a sigh of “I wish you’d just get over it”, and a sigh of, “**** there’s nothing I can do to fix it, I’m a guilty asshole, and I don’t know that the hell to say.”


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is totally going to be what you think is best for your happiness, and the whole relationship condition. 

Just be aware, if you beat him everyday he may eventually give up and D you first.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> There’s a difference in a sigh of “I wish you’d just get over it”, and a sigh of, “**** there’s nothing I can do to fix it, I’m a guilty asshole, and I don’t know that the hell to say.”


thank you for this. This is a good point; one I didn’t recognize.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is totally going to be what you think is best for your happiness, and the whole relationship condition.
> 
> Just be aware, if you beat him everyday he may eventually give up and D you first.


With respect, I don’t think that should be my concern or worry. I am the wronged party. If he can’t handle my trauma and needs to bail, then he’s not worth my effort. I won’t walk on eggshells to keep him around. I think he’s the one who should be doing that. I’m not trying to be rude. And I’d genuinely like to hear more comments on this issue.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I totally disagree with this. Only he knows how he truly feels, and after being with this wonderful lady for 25 yrs as a good husband, I think the man is probably sick about this and all of his other past behavior. He acts like it. Why are you so in compassionate towards a man who screwed up 25 yrs ago, but TURNED HIMSELF AROUND? I’m just asking. You seem really cold towards men in general.


I love men, I have a very dear husband, and lovely men in my family. However, I dont love cheating lying deceiving men. Especially those who took the cowards way out and didnt even tell their spouse. Especially those who clearly didnt use protection and so not only risked a baby being conceived(which it was), but risked their wife catching an STD or even AIDS. He may have cheated 25 years ago, but he deceived her year after year after year until she found out herself just a few months ago. That isnt being sorry or repentant, that is hoping that she never finds out and now she has he is apparently deepy sorry. Not sorry enough to tell her in all that time though.
IF he was truy sorry he would not have been able to keep such a deep betrayal from her for 25 years. Honestly I couldn't keep such a secret from my husband for a single day.
Now that she has found out, and its possible that they may divorce and that all their family and friends will know, he is sorry. Most cheaters are sorry they are found out, it happens all the time as I am sure you know.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> It’s also not fair for me to have to tend to his feeling, as I am a pretty empathetic person. I don’t know how I feel about the separation part. I found out in late August and was separated from him most of September. I asked him to come back not because I missed him but because I needed to talk about stuff and I didn’t find the phone to be a satisfactory way to do that. Sometimes I do wish to be alone with my feelings but then I wonder if I’ll be able to do the work that I need to do. I was glad, when we were apart, that I was fine with being alone. It gave me confidence that I could handle D if that’s the route I choose to take.


Could you meet up on a regular basis and talk then? Any questions you could email so you dont need to deal with his reactions. 

Thinking about this, if it happened to me at the age I am now, (if I was eventually able to get over the 25 years of deception and lies,) it would probably only be as a couple of friends sharing a house, but the trust for me would be gone. When these things happen the marriage is basically shattered, and its then up to the betrayed partner to decide whether they want to painstakingly try and piece it all back again or sweep it all into the bin. It will never be the same of course, but it depends on whether you want the new norm (whatever that may be), or not. It depends on whether you think you could ever trust him again after all those years of lies.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Two thoughts. 
My main thought is did he take responsibility for the child and give child support? This would be my main concern unless the mother was also hiding something and just didn't want him involved. Because it's about decency.

My other thought is he has overcome gambling and drugs and gone on to be a good father. You knew he was messed up during that period, so you had to expect some bad to come of it. Now you know. I'd forgive him unless he just abandoned that child he fathered when the mother needed him. To me, that is the bigger problem. Because now he's been doing well and he could have helped, IF she wanted his help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Two thoughts.
> My main thought is did he take responsibility for the child and give child support? This would be my main concern unless the mother was also hiding something and just didn't want him involved. Because it's about decency.
> 
> My other thought is he has overcome gambling and drugs and gone on to be a good father. You knew he was messed up during that period, so you had to expect some bad to come of it. Now you know. I'd forgive him unless he just abandoned that child he fathered when the mother needed him. To me, that is the bigger problem. Because now he's been doing well and he could have helped, IF she wanted his help.




The guy never knew until now that he had a son.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Two thoughts.
> My main thought is did he take responsibility for the child and give child support? This would be my main concern unless the mother was also hiding something and just didn't want him involved. Because it's about decency.
> 
> My other thought is he has overcome gambling and drugs and gone on to be a good father. You knew he was messed up during that period, so you had to expect some bad to come of it. Now you know. I'd forgive him unless he just abandoned that child he fathered when the mother needed him. To me, that is the bigger problem. Because now he's been doing well and he could have helped, IF she wanted his help.


Now you have a point there, he said he didnt know about the baby, but if they worked together for a while afterwards why wouldnt she tell him at least?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m very sorry this happened to you.

Unfortunately, yours isn’t the first story like this that I’ve seen here. I wish I could remember the names of the posters (three or so, I think) so you could read their stories. I believe all left soon after posting their story — or at least I don’t remember a resolution but I think they all wanted to stay with their husbandsand we’re trying to decide if that would be possible. They were all shell-shocked and sick and couldn’t believe it.

My ex-husband was a cheater. His married-but-separated girlfriend had a very young toddler when I found out about the affair and I wondered if that child was his. He denied it and swore it was her husband’s but that was long before DNA so who knows. Decades later, I still remember what a shot to the heart it was when I realized how very young her child was and what that might mean. You are living what my biggest fear was then and I greatly sympathize.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> No he didn’t know he had fathered a child. Ancestry told him. She was also married at the time so I’m guessing her husbands name is on the birth certificate.


Well, since he didn't know (assuming you know for sure that's true), then it's not on him about the child support. But like Diane said, odd that she didn't tell him if they have known each other, but not unheard of. 

I wouldn't upset the other family about it if you're convinced she made a choice there. Also, I'd get past it if he didn't know he had the child, if that's true and you're sure. If he knew, he should have come clean a long time ago, but like you said, she was married. 

I'd get past this unless you just keep finding out more bad news or lies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Apple12 said:


> I’ve already told him I want him to take a polygraph and he said ok. Today I will start looking at dates to pin him down to an appointment. I’m pretty good at reading him so I may learn something but so far I see no reluctance. But he may think I’m bluffing.
> I gave him hell for his BS sighing already.To his small credit, he accepts what I tell him and doesn’t fight me on it. But he can still do more.


Good. Now tell him that if you find out he's keeping anything from you at the polygraph you're done, but if he fesses up you'll think about working on things.

Watch his reaction then follow through with an appt. If it truly was a one time thing at a ****ty point in your marriage that's something you can deal with.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Now you have a point there, he said he didnt know about the baby, but if they worked together for a while afterwards why wouldnt she tell him at least?


Probably she didn’t actually know whose kid she was knocked up with... and it was easier to pin it on the husband. Wonder what that guy would think after finding out the kid wasn’t his? I mean... did the whole family do the DNA test thing? Things might be blowing up on that end... what a mess.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Two thoughts.
> My main thought is did he take responsibility for the child and give child support? This would be my main concern unless the mother was also hiding something and just didn't want him involved. Because it's about decency.
> 
> My other thought is he has overcome gambling and drugs and gone on to be a good father. You knew he was messed up during that period, so you had to expect some bad to come of it. Now you know. I'd forgive him unless he just abandoned that child he fathered when the mother needed him. To me, that is the bigger problem. Because now he's been doing well and he could have helped, IF she wanted his help.


He didn’t find out about the child until recently. At the time his job involved moving from location to location, sort of acting as a consultant. He was only at that location for about 4 weeks before being sent elsewhere and the two of them had no further contact. The OW was also married at the time.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Probably she didn’t actually know whose kid she was knocked up with... and it was easier to pin it on the husband. Wonder what that guy would think after finding out the kid wasn’t his? I mean... did the whole family do the DNA test thing? Things might be blowing up on that end... what a mess.


It’s possible she didn’t know who the father was but I suspect she did. I stalked her FB page ( I know I shouldnt) and she has many posts about a family member who died. From drugs OD. My husband looked just like him. Part of me thinks she planned this out to replace the person she lost. But I have an active imagination. I have no idea if the whole family did a dna test.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Good. Now tell him that if you find out he's keeping anything from you at the polygraph you're done, but if he fesses up you'll think about working on things.
> 
> Watch his reaction then follow through with an appt. If it truly was a one time thing at a ****ty point in your marriage that's something you can deal with.


I’m going to try to get an appointment later today.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It really seems like you should talk to his former affair partner directly and learn about how your step son was born.

To me, it seems very unlikely that your husband had a one night stand only once, and it produced a child. I think likely there is more going on here and that is the biggest concern... if he is still lying to you in the present, there are deeper issues.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I’m very sorry this happened to you.
> 
> Unfortunately, yours isn’t the first story like this that I’ve seen here. I wish I could remember the names of the posters (three or so, I think) so you could read their stories. I believe all left soon after posting their story — or at least I don’t remember a resolution but I think they all wanted to stay with their husbandsand we’re trying to decide if that would be possible. They were all shell-shocked and sick and couldn’t believe it.
> 
> My ex-husband was a cheater. His married-but-separated girlfriend had a very young toddler when I found out about the affair and I wondered if that child was his. He denied it and swore it was her husband’s but that was long before DNA so who knows. Decades later, I still remember what a shot to the heart it was when I realized how very young her child was and what that might mean. You are living what my biggest fear was then and I greatly sympathize.


I got to know another lady on another forum who found out her husband cheated 17 years before. She did stay, but even years later she just couldnt trust him and it seemed to just ruin their marriage. Not sure if they are still together or not. It was so sad. 
I think that more could stay and forgive if the cheater owned up to it, much harder to trust again if they didnt and they found out another way.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Could you meet up on a regular basis and talk then? Any questions you could email so you dont need to deal with his reactions.
> 
> Thinking about this, if it happened to me at the age I am now, (if I was eventually able to get over the 25 years of deception and lies,) it would probably only be as a couple of friends sharing a house, but the trust for me would be gone. When these things happen the marriage is basically shattered, and its then up to the betrayed partner to decide whether they want to painstakingly try and piece it all back again or sweep it all into the bin. It will never be the same of course, but it depends on whether you want the new norm (whatever that may be), or not. It depends on whether you think you could ever trust him again after all those years of lies.


Yes there’s still a lot to figure out.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> I’m going to try to get an appointment later today.


Make sure you arrive a good 30 to 45 minutes early so you have to sit in the car together for a while before and he can fess up....


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> It really seems like you should talk to his former affair partner directly and learn about how your step son was born.
> 
> To me, it seems very unlikely that your husband had a one night stand only once, and it produced a child. I think likely there is more going on here and that is the biggest concern... if he is still lying to you in the present, there are deeper issues.


I’ve contemplated contacting her, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing for me to do. It might make things worse for me. I think I’d rather deal with my husband. Though I too find it hard to believe that they slept together only once and I’ve expressed this multiple times.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> Make sure you arrive a good 30 to 45 minutes early so you have to sit in the car together for a while before and he can fess up....


This made me smile. I guess I’m a little vengeful.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Apple12 said:


> With respect, I don’t think that should be my concern or worry. I am the wronged party. If he can’t handle my trauma and needs to bail, then he’s not worth my effort. I won’t walk on eggshells to keep him around. I think he’s the one who should be doing that. I’m not trying to be rude. And I’d genuinely like to hear more comments on this issue.


And that's a good answer. 

Only you know the entire circumstances and it's a great thing to hear you're doing all the right things. I do believe you're correct in your actions and are prepared for any outcome. 

Continue planning and keep moving forward! If you truly want to split there is nothing wrong with that at all.

The reason I point out don't be fooled by thinking only you can control the outcome is that too many times one SO gets too focused on being aggrieved and then is blindsided when their SO leaves them abruptly. 

You're doing great!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> It’s possible she didn’t know who the father was but I suspect she did. I stalked her FB page ( I know I shouldnt) and she has many posts about a family member who died. From drugs OD. My husband looked just like him. Part of me thinks she planned this out to replace the person she lost. But I have an active imagination. I have no idea if the whole family did a dna test.


I mean, how does Ancestry work? Woudn't his name be on the birth certificate? Or was it DNA results only?


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And that's a good answer.
> 
> Only you know the entire circumstances and it's a great thing to hear you're doing all the right things. I do believe you're correct in your actions and are prepared for any outcome.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I appreciate your response. Thank you for the warning.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean, how does Ancestry work? Woudn't his name be on the birth certificate? Or was it DNA results only?


Her husbands name is probably on the birth certificate. Ancestry matches dna of anyone in their database.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

But then why wouldn't her husband know about that?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> It’s possible she didn’t know who the father was but I suspect she did. I stalked her FB page ( I know I shouldnt) and she has many posts about a family member who died. From drugs OD. My husband looked just like him. Part of me thinks she planned this out to replace the person she lost. But I have an active imagination. I have no idea if the whole family did a dna test.


A very active imagination happens to most of us that get cheated on. It’s a curse.

These DNA profiles are unearthing all kinds of secrets for many people...it may be a remote possibility but if you did reconcile, what might you feel if the 25 year old comes searching for your husband at some point? I think you’d need to prepare for that just in case. 

I’m sorry for all you’re going through. I have to say, I hope your husband tells you everything he needs to and helps you heal from this, but you have the right to every emotion, every heartache. And you have the right to leave him and not feel bad about it if it’s what you need to do. Hugs.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But then why wouldn't her husband know about that?


Only the person who submits dna gets matches. Unless the child’s “father” submits dna, he is not going to know that he doesn’t match his daughter. In addition this “child” is an adult and handling their own ancestry account without interference from their family.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> Only the person who submits dna gets matches. Unless the child’s “father” submits dna, he is not going to know that he doesn’t match his daughter. In addition this “child” is an adult and handling their own ancestry account without interference from their family.


Right. Let’s hope dad doesn’t get a DNA kit for Christmas. What a rude awakening that would be.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> A very active imagination happens to most of us that get cheated on. It’s a curse.
> 
> These DNA profiles are unearthing all kinds of secrets for many people...it may be a remote possibility but if you did reconcile, what might you feel if the 25 year old comes searching for your husband at some point? I think you’d need to prepare for that just in case.
> 
> I’m sorry for all you’re going through. I have to say, I hope your husband tells you everything he needs to and helps you heal from this, but you have the right to every emotion, every heartache. And you have the right to leave him and not feel bad about it if it’s what you need to do. Hugs.


Thank you for your support. I already told my husband that if we stay together I will not have a relationship with his offspring. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s not what I signed up for.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Right. Let’s hope dad doesn’t get a DNA kit for Christmas. What a rude awakening that would be.


Or should he? I’m torn about who should and should not know.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> Thank you for your support. I already told my husband that if we stay together I will not have a relationship with his offspring. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s not what I signed up for.


It doesn’t sound harsh. You didn’t make the decision to get her pregnant. You have zero responsibility for his poor choices.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> Her husbands name is probably on the birth certificate. Ancestry matches dna of anyone in their database.


I think this public document should be checked.....


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> Or should he? I’m torn about who should and should not know.


The truth is always the best path forward.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> Or should he? I’m torn about who should and should not know.


Good question.... this is what I would call an ethical dilemma. And a moral one. What would knowing do for that man and the 25 year old? Probably cause a lot of pain. But do they have the right to know? I would say yes. What a crappy situation.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> Only the person who submits dna gets matches. Unless the child’s “father” submits dna, he is not going to know that he doesn’t match his daughter. In addition this “child” is an adult and handling their own ancestry account without interference from their family.


I get alerts for new DNA matches on my profile, wouldn't this child have a received an alert that a father matched her?


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> It doesn’t sound harsh. You didn’t make the decision to get her pregnant. You have zero responsibility for his poor choices.


Thank you.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> I get alerts for new DNA matches on my profile, wouldn't this child have a received an alert that a father matched her?


That’s how we found out. We got an alert. My grown daughter (who also got an alert) emailed the child to ask what the relationship was since they shared so much dna. My daughter actually asked the child point blank if they knew who their father was. The child laughed it off and said, “ oh we’re probably just cousins. I know who my parents are, is you father Italian?” Once my family all figured out what was going on, my daughter and husband deleted their accounts on ancestry. But the child’s reaction was curious. Maybe they know, and just wanted ethnicity info, or maybe they’re not toobright. I don’t know what to make of it all.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Good question.... this is what I would call an ethical dilemma. And a moral one. What would knowing do for that man and the 25 year old? Probably cause a lot of pain. But do they have the right to know? I would say yes. What a crappy situation.


Yes pain and family disruption.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> I think this public document should be checked.....


Birth certificates are public documents?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> Or should he? I’m torn about who should and should not know.


This turn of events in your life is not like a return of Hailey's Comet, a once in a lifetime event. Your children can order their own Ancestry kits at any time in the future, and once they do then they'll get a return on the "lost" half-brother. While they may have no interest in that today, that's no guarantee that they never will.

Once you've processed and come to terms with this new reality, then I would counsel to tell your own kids and also tell them about the effect on your marriage (give them a free lesson the pain of infidelity that they can use in their own lives) and tell them about your own no-contact requirement and how to manage that if they want to have their own contact.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> This turn of events in your life is not like a return of Hailey's Comet, a once in a lifetime event. Your children can order their own Ancestry kits at any time in the future, and once they do then they'll get a return on the "lost" half-brother. While they may have no interest in that today, that's no guarantee that they never will.
> 
> Once you've processed and come to terms with this new reality, then I would counsel to tell your own kids and also tell them about the effect on your marriage (give them a free lesson the pain of infidelity that they can use in their own lives) and tell them about your own no-contact requirement and how to manage that if they want to have their own contact.


My children already know. They have ancestry accounts and they’re the ones who got the alerts. They’re the ones you told me and my husband. This is the way he was outed, by his children in front of his family while on vacation. And this is the way I learned about it, through them. They have discussed their feelings with my husband and although they were initially shocked and upset, they have forgiven him. Which just leaves me to figure out what I need or even can, do.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> With respect, I don’t think that should be my concern or worry. I am the wronged party. If he can’t handle my trauma and needs to bail, then he’s not worth my effort. I won’t walk on eggshells to keep him around. I think he’s the one who should be doing that. I’m not trying to be rude. And I’d genuinely like to hear more comments on this issue.


Agree to a point. Some people like to wallow in victim status and self-pity, I mean it becomes a part of their personality. This is a trauma, process it and then live your life, either with him or without him, and take your time, but don't let this define you, because if this does define you, then your husband will change his own views about how he sees you. So understand the fine line I'm trying to draw here, this will always be a part of you and your marriage, it will always be lurking around the corner even after you've mostly healed, you will always find some occasion to think and talk about it, but after you're healed it's not a defining part of you, don't let it become that. Treat it like the loss of a relative, at first the grief is all consuming, but life does go on, however some people just can't get over a loss and that's where the loss comes to define them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What do you WANT to do? I know you want to stop hurting.
You’ve said you don’t miss him. You’ve said you’re ok alone.
What do you want? Do you want to divorce him? You’ve got perfect justification.

Can you hate the man that did this because of who he was, and love him for who he is now, and forgive him of the horrible misdeeds and betrayal he has subjected you to in the past? I seriously doubt this was the only instance with her, and probably even less likely he wasn’t having sex with more women than her. He sounds like a bad guy then.
Do you feel he’s a better person now? 

I’m sure you don’t know the answers to all these, and ask yourself this constantly.

I hate to see you divorce the guy. Life alone is hard. Your husband apparently has been a good one for 25 yrs. im sure you could find another, but every man will have some flaws. this flawed man seems to love you NOW.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> My children already know. They have ancestry accounts and they’re the ones who got the alerts. They’re the ones you told me and my husband. This is the way he was outed, by his children in front of his family while on vacation. And this is the way I learned about it, through them. They have discussed their feelings with my husband and although they were initially shocked and upset, they have forgiven him. Which just leaves me to figure out what I need or even can, do.


If I had a half sibling I would want to know them if it were possible. I am guessing that the poor child in the centre of this knows as well as they would have got the same notifications even though your family all came off the site after that.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> If I had a half sibling I would want to know them if it were possible. I am guessing that the poor child in the centre of this knows as well as they would have got the same notifications even though your family all came off the site after that.


If my children want to contact this person, they certainly can. They are all adults. I, however, have no interest in knowing this person.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> What do you WANT to do? I know you want to stop hurting.
> You’ve said you don’t miss him. You’ve said you’re ok alone.
> What do you want? Do you want to divorce him? You’ve got perfect justification.
> 
> ...


I want to understand why this happened. I want to find meaning in this event. If I can, I can forgive and continue my life with him. If I cannot, then I won’t be able to stay with him despite my love for the person he has become. Because I wouldn’t be able to forgive without meaning. At least that’s how I feel right now. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ll be fine.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> Agree to a point. Some people like to wallow in victim status and self-pity, I mean it becomes a part of their personality. This is a trauma, process it and then live your life, either with him or without him, and take your time, but don't let this define you, because if this does define you, then your husband will change his own views about how he sees you. So understand the fine line I'm trying to draw here, this will always be a part of you and your marriage, it will always be lurking around the corner even after you've mostly healed, you will always find some occasion to think and talk about it, but after you're healed it's not a defining part of you, don't let it become that. Treat it like the loss of a relative, at first the grief is all consuming, but life does go on, however some people just can't get over a loss and that's where the loss comes to define them.


I understand what you’re saying but at what point does wallowing become too much? Where do I draw the line and realize I either have to move on or move out? I already feel like I’ve been suffering too long and need to “get better.” It’s been only 3 months. My therapist says I am too hard on myself.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Apple12 said:


> I understand what you’re saying but at what point does wallowing become too much? Where do I draw the line and realize I either have to move on or move out? I already feel like I’ve been suffering too long and need to “get better.” It’s been only 3 months. My therapist says I am too hard on myself.


It's when you, and only you are ready. Some folks would have decided one way or another by three months, others longer or shorter. All is typical. 

No worries.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> I understand what you’re saying but at what point does wallowing become too much? Where do I draw the line and realize I either have to move on or move out? I already feel like I’ve been suffering too long and need to “get better.” It’s been only 3 months. My therapist says I am too hard on myself.


I really don't know where the line is drawn. I'd say self-monitor. You won't see any healing in the first few days, slow going in the first few weeks, maybe month, but you should see incremental coming to terms changes, incremental periods of this NOT being on your mind, some mornings you wake up and it's not the first thing on your mind. At 3 months you should be less traumatized than you were on D-Day. The healing, as others have pointed out, takes 2-5 years. Faster if your divorce because your husband is no longer an ever-present trigger. But there should be some movement on the healing. At 3 months you're still in the beginning of healing so my advice isn't about today, it's about what I saw as possibly an absolute statement about your husband always having to deal with it, and that's the situation that I'm warning about with people wallowing and letting it define them.

Your husband needs to read about what you're going through so that he's not discovering this journey one day at a time, he needs a roadmap, he needs to know what to expect so that he can help you. You've been through a lot together, helped each other, now this is a new challenge for him. There are childbirth classes to teach what to expect, he needs the equivalent for this new path you're both on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wanting to understand why it happened is common. Finding out the complete truth is another story. Most of us end up having to go on, or not, based on the sometimes very little information that we know for certain. He may not even remember why at this point — other than he could so he did.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I haven't watched Dr. Phil in many years but I remember something he said during one episode I saw.

He said that women can get over things when they think their husband truly gets the damage he did. Sighing at you is a sign to me that he doesn't, but you know him so what do you think?

Also, if he doesn't really get it right now that doesn't mean he can't, but I think that if it is your wish to remain happily married you need two things:

First, you need to be absolutely sure that you've got the whole story and you know what you're forgiving, along with a husband who is not a liar. A polygraph will help with this.

Second, you are going to need your husband to really comprehend the damage he did. A marriage counselor who deals with infidelity and holding the cheater accountable may be able to help with this.

I'd bet that if you're able to get these two things you'll be able to move forward with him.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> I want to find meaning in this event. If I can, I can forgive and continue my life with him.


You can only forgive what you know, and right now I personally don't think you know the extent of your husbands extra martial activities, as the story he has given seems like exactly that, a story.

I guess you'd have ask yourself the question, what if he had a long term affair or more than one affair and is not admitting to that (which is likely), are you OK with blindly forgiving all that and just moving on? That is a called a rugsweep in my book and I would think that you will continue to wonder about what really happened for years, and this will eat at you and your relationship for a long time.

I think there is no way this was a one-time event for him. I hate to pound on an idea that is likely painful, but it is likely true, and not dealing with it now will just bring more pain later.

The goal is to get the pain out of the way, and put it behind you....not have it show again and again over time because it was unresolved or rugswept...


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Wanting to understand why it happened is common. Finding out the complete truth is another story. Most of us end up having to go on, or not, based on the sometimes very little information that we know for certain. He may not even remember why at this point — other than he could so he did.


Yes I realize this but it upsets me. A lot.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

re16 said:


> You can only forgive what you know, and right now I personally don't think you know the extent of your husbands extra martial activities, as the story he has given seems like exactly that, a story.
> 
> I guess you'd have ask yourself the question, what if he had a long term affair or more than one affair and is not admitting to that (which is likely), are you OK with blindly forgiving all that and just moving on? That is a called a rugsweep in my book and I would think that you will continue to wonder about what really happened for years, and this will eat at you and your relationship for a long time.
> 
> ...


I’m not okay not knowing but it’s possible that even the polygraph might not give me full closure. From what I’m reading, they’re not prefect. I intend to do my best to try to find out, but I also need to be ready to realize that I might not get all the answers that I want.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, I haven't watched Dr. Phil in many years but I remember something he said during one episode I saw.
> 
> He said that women can get over things when they think their husband truly gets the damage he did. Sighing at you is a sign to me that he doesn't, but you know him so what do you think?
> 
> ...


I believe he is not minimizing the damage he has done. The sighs may be his own impatience with himself. He’s been beating himself up over this extensively. I hope I get the whole story. I found a polygraph person and left a message. I hope his test will be conclusive.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> I’m not okay not knowing but it’s possible that even the polygraph might not give me full closure. From what I’m reading, they’re not prefect. I intend to do my best to try to find out, but I also need to be ready to realize that I might not get all the answers that I want.


In this situation you have to be like a cop interrogating a suspect and wanting to coax a confession out of the suspect. How do they do this? The cops create kind of a safe space for the suspect to spill the beans.

You should make clear that you're willing to forgive and move on but you need the whole truth, that's the carrot, but if he's caught lying later then divorce is what you favor, that's the stick. Right now he doesn't want to make matters worse, lying to protect you, and especially himself, is what he's done for 25 years. This is the smart play for him, so you give him a smarter play, give him incentive to be forthcoming. And if more comes out, handle it smoothly, for the moment. He shouldn't regret confessing. If it goes well, then he's less reluctant to further confession.

Start with the details of this affair. Then work up to "were there others, I need to know and this is the time for us to clear the decks and move on."


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apple12 said:


> Yes I realize this but it upsets me. A lot.


I know. I’ve been there. When you don’t know the truth it feels like they won and you lost — or it did to me. When you stay without knowing the full story (as I did) it’s a bitter pill. My ex-husband was a very smooth liar.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> I’m not okay not knowing but it’s possible that even the polygraph might not give me full closure. From what I’m reading, they’re not prefect. I intend to do my best to try to find out, but I also need to be ready to realize that I might not get all the answers that I want.


As others have said, it will hopefully be the fact that he is going to have a polygraph that may make him finally be honest, I hope so. Its pretty unlikely that a baby came of one occasion although technically possible of course. Cheaters always say it only happened once.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> I understand what you’re saying but at what point does wallowing become too much? Where do I draw the line and realize I either have to move on or move out? I already feel like I’ve been suffering too long and need to “get better.” It’s been only 3 months. My therapist says I am too hard on myself.


Yes you are too hard on yourself, 3 months is nothing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> If my children want to contact this person, they certainly can. They are all adults. I, however, have no interest in knowing this person.


Its interesting how we all so different isnt it in how we deal with things. For me its the innocent child who I could be more accepting of than the husband who has betrayed, lied and deceived me for 25 years. The child was and is the totally innocent victim. I doubt your children would do that even if they wanted to, because they know that you dont want anything to do with the now adult child. If they did they may have to keep it secret.
The consequences of adultery are so deep and wide reaching arent they.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> That’s how we found out. We got an alert. My grown daughter (who also got an alert) emailed the child to ask what the relationship was since they shared so much dna. My daughter actually asked the child point blank if they knew who their father was. The child laughed it off and said, “ oh we’re probably just cousins. I know who my parents are, is you father Italian?” Once my family all figured out what was going on, my daughter and husband deleted their accounts on ancestry. But the child’s reaction was curious. Maybe they know, and just wanted ethnicity info, or maybe they’re not toobright. I don’t know what to make of it all.


They'd probably been given a cover story.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> That’s how we found out. We got an alert. My grown daughter (who also got an alert) emailed the child to ask what the relationship was since they shared so much dna. My daughter actually asked the child point blank if they knew who their father was. The child laughed it off and said, “ oh we’re probably just cousins. I know who my parents are, is you father Italian?” Once my family all figured out what was going on, my daughter and husband deleted their accounts on ancestry. But the child’s reaction was curious. Maybe they know, and just wanted ethnicity info, or maybe they’re not toobright. I don’t know what to make of it all.


Maybe she doesn't know and her mother who had a child by another man has been lying to her entire family for just as long as your husband has been. Make no mistake they are all innocent victims in this too. I get that you don't want to be associated or have any contact with this person completely understandable, but you should focus your anger on who monsters who are really responsible. 

She might be trying to figure it out now, if she didn't know yet or maybe just figured it out. She wouldn't be the first child to find out the the man she thought was her father wasn't actually her biological father and her Mother has been lying to all of them for years. Which is even worse then what you going through which is monstrous. 

If this kid finds out they are probably going to reach out for answers, after all people have a natural desire an curiosity to know who they are. 

What a terrible evil this all is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> I want to understand why this happened. I want to find meaning in this event. If I can, I can forgive and continue my life with him. If I cannot, then I won’t be able to stay with him despite my love for the person he has become. Because I wouldn’t be able to forgive without meaning. At least that’s how I feel right now. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ll be fine.


When you say the person he has become you are discounting that he lied to you for years. Unfortunately that is not going to go away. Eventually that fact and these actions will become a part of the entire picture of who he is and will probably have some effect on how you feel. You should try to come terms with this because avoiding it will prolonging your healing.

You have not reached your anger stage yet but you will get there, assuming you are healing in a healthy manner. Anger is the next entirely healthy emotion that will follow. Interestingly enough it seems to follow the stages of grief that are often discussed.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its interesting how we all so different isnt it in how we deal it things. For me its the innocent child who I could be more accepting of than the husband who has betrayed, lied and deceived me for 25 years. The child was and is the totally innocent victim. I doubt your children would do that even if they wanted to, because they know that you dont want anything to do with the now adult child. If they did they may have to keep it secret.
> The consequences of adultery are so deep and wide reaching arent they.


I'm more aligned with Apple12's views. 

The family I created with my wife is something special and dear to me. If we divorced and she remarried and had another child, that would kill me, this outsider child is now intruding on the family we created together. And that's with no infidelity thrown into the picture. If the tables were turned and I was the one having another child, that would be different. Why? Not because of double standards, because I selfishly want another kid or because I love my new wife and want to start a family. That though doesn't erase the pain I know my wife is going to feel about this outsider child now intruding on HER family. So, either way, her having the new kid or me having the new kid, the one who has the new kid is doing it selfishly and hurting the other one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lance Mannion said:


> I'm more aligned with Apple12's views.
> 
> The family I created with my wife is something special and dear to me. If we divorced and she remarried and had another child, that would kill me, this outsider child is now intruding on the family we created together. And that's with no infidelity thrown into the picture. If the tables were turned and I was the one having another child, that would be different. Why? Not because of double standards, because I selfishly want another kid or because I love my new wife and want to start a family. That though doesn't erase the pain I know my wife is going to feel about this outsider child now intruding on HER family. So, either way, her having the new kid or me having the new kid, the one who has the new kid is doing it selfishly and hurting the other one.


This is an adult child who may need to know who her real father is and who her siblings are. I doubt she will want a full relationship, but the OP's children may want to get to know her as well. I hope that I woud be able to accept and even welcome the now grown woman as someone who is entirely innocent and whose life may well have been shattered by these recent discoveries. 
As for the two who had the affair and lied and lied about it to their spouses and children for 25 years and who caused all of this mess, they cant be trusted at all in my opinion.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Apple12 said:


> With respect, I don’t think that should be my concern or worry. I am the wronged party. If he can’t handle my trauma and needs to bail, then he’s not worth my effort. I won’t walk on eggshells to keep him around. I think he’s the one who should be doing that. I’m not trying to be rude. And I’d genuinely like to hear more comments on this issue.


Agree absolutely, if he has become half the man you say he has become, then he has to take one for the team cause he is the one who f**** up big time. He needs to see this from your perspective, it is completely new to you. If he wants you and his family to stay intact then he has to do all the work, not you. You actually owe him absolutely nothing. You chose to stay with him in spite of all of his s** and keep the family unit together when you could have walked but you didn't. You were the bigger person, now it is time for him to step up to the plate and do likewise and let you fall apart if you need to, you did enough cleaning up after him.
If he doesn't then you are better off without him a he isn't worth your time. 59 is not old and you can still have a great future without him if necessary. I pray though that he will fill those shoes and somehow I suspect he will.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d really need to understand the full extent of the affair. I’d also need to know if there were other affairs.

and his crying... That wouldn’t work for me at all! He needs to quit avoiding acknowledging how you feel and start using his words to fully express his feelings instead of crying and sighing!

I get the feeling he’s using the crying to avoid talking about what he did and how you feel - and that’s manipulation which is really mean...mean to you!

If he’s not willing to do anything and everything to repair the damage he did to you, the marriage and the family - then there’s no reason to kee wasting your time. This could take many years - ask him if he’s willing to endure doing the repair work for years.

but first I’d need to know if there were other affairs.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be awful. And it would be even harder for the guy who thinks he knows who his dad is. Or that dad. Just sucks all around.

But in the end, the real issue here is whether you can move forward with your marriage regarding the affair. While this offspring is how you found out, it's not the crux of the issue. The crux is your H cheated on you while you had small children. You'll have to decide whether that's a dealbreaker in and of itself.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

you found out on a family vacation? Man, that must have been an intense scene. I feel awful that you and the kids had to go through that. 

That he never knew, so didn’t have to use any of his time and resources in another woman’s kid, makes it not as bad for you as it is for the other betrayed spouse.

think about it, he put his time, resources, and most importantly love into another man’s kid. Who knows if that was the only kid they had. He might have been completely cheated out of passing on his legacy.

Your husband is a POS for cheating on you with a married woman but that woman is a complete monster. letting her BH raise another man’s kid. Not to mention looking at her kid everyday and letting him live a lie. What a horrible woman.

you will get confirmation if this was his only affair and if this was a hit it once and quit affair or if they were going at it like rabbits in the supply closet. But that husband won’t know the truth . Not even sure he should know. The devastation may lead him to suicide if that was his only kid.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Apple12 said:


> I understand what you’re saying but at what point does wallowing become too much? Where do I draw the line and realize I either have to move on or move out? I already feel like I’ve been suffering too long and need to “get better.” It’s been only 3 months. My therapist says I am too hard on myself.


You need to give it some time. The answer will bubble to the top. Whatever you do, don't make lifelong decisions based on what you read in an online forum. Most of the people here mean well, but they don't know you or your husband. In essence, they're dealing in stereotypes that are often not accurate in a particular situation.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Apple12 said:


> I found a polygraph person and left a message. I hope his test will be conclusive.


A polygraph may be a good idea, but they are NOT conclusive. That's why they're not admissible as evidence in court in the US. Even though I have never done anything to give my spouse a reason to demand that I take a polygraph, I would never take one on the condition that my marriage depends on it. A lot of people here suggest that the threat of a polygraph often gets the wayward spouse to open up, and it probably does, but it's not a panacea. 

I hope you will tell us what you decide to do. You're in a very unfortunate situation, and I feel for you. If he has "repented", he's probably worth keeping. If there is additional deception, maybe he's not.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its interesting how we all so different isnt it in how we deal with things. For me its the innocent child who I could be more accepting of than the husband who has betrayed, lied and deceived me for 25 years. The child was and is the totally innocent victim. I doubt your children would do that even if they wanted to, because they know that you dont want anything to do with the now adult child. If they did they may have to keep it secret.
> The consequences of adultery are so deep and wide reaching arent they.


While I agree that the child is innocent, I still want nothing to do with this person. Perhaps because the person is a painful reminder. Maybe that will change in the future but that’s where I am now. . My own children do not know how I feel about the child, nor do I intend to ever tell them. I would never sway their inclination to see or not see this person. They are free to do what they wish. But yes adultry impacts so many.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

aine said:


> Agree absolutely, if he has become half the man you say he has become, then he has to take one for the team cause he is the one who f**** up big time. He needs to see this from your perspective, it is completely new to you. If he wants you and his family to stay intact then he has to do all the work, not you. You actually owe him absolutely nothing. You chose to stay with him in spite of all of his s** and keep the family unit together when you could have walked but you didn't. You were the bigger person, now it is time for him to step up to the plate and do likewise and let you fall apart if you need to, you did enough cleaning up after him.
> If he doesn't then you are better off without him a he isn't worth your time. 59 is not old and you can still have a great future without him if necessary. I pray though that he will fill those shoes and somehow I suspect he will.


Thank you. This was a very affirming and kind reply, I truly appreciate it.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

jsmart said:


> you found out on a family vacation? Man, that must have been an intense scene. I feel awful that you and the kids had to go through that.
> 
> That he never knew, so didn’t have to use any of his time and resources in another woman’s kid, makes it not as bad for you as it is for the other betrayed spouse.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I have rage for the OW and I often wonder if it’s misplaced. I mean, I have rage towards my husband too, but I’d really like to ***** slap her. Thank you for confirming my rage. Internet snooping told me the child appears to their only one. I do feel for the live-in father and for the child who have no idea of their history. Although many on this forum advocate truth for all, I too worry about how such information would impact the live-in father and since I have no way of helping him to pick up his pieces and heal, I will not tell him anything.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Sfort said:


> A polygraph may be a good idea, but they are NOT conclusive. That's why they're not admissible as evidence in court in the US. Even though I have never done anything to give my spouse a reason to demand that I take a polygraph, I would never take one on the condition that my marriage depends on it. A lot of people here suggest that the threat of a polygraph often gets the wayward spouse to open up, and it probably does, but it's not a panacea.
> 
> I hope you will tell us what you decide to do. You're in a very unfortunate situation, and I feel for you. If he has "repented", he's probably worth keeping. If there is additional deception, maybe he's not.


The polygraph recommendation took me totally by surprise. I’d never thought of it myself. It just seems wrong to have to do. But yes, the threat of it absolutely works. He came clean prior to getting it done. Though there were no other affairs, they did sleep together more than once; the affair lasted one month. I was, and still am, furious that I had to threaten a polygraph to get this information because frankly, it’s what I suspected all along. Why gaslight me? His response was that he thought a one night stand would be more palatable for me. Bull***t, it was more palatable for him. So while this admission brought me back emotionally to day 1, I also found it strangely calming. I was right and I felt I had some closure. Now we see where we can go from here.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Sfort said:


> You need to give it some time. The answer will bubble to the top. Whatever you do, don't make lifelong decisions based on what you read in an online forum. Most of the people here mean well, but they don't know you or your husband. In essence, they're dealing in stereotypes that are often not accurate in a particular situation.


Yes I realize that and thank you for reminding me of it. Everyone has their own experiences and those experiences color our interpretations of others’ situations. Nonetheless I appreciate everyone here; I assume many have gone through similar pain and yet they still reach out to others to help. That is not easy as it can often reopen wounds.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be awful. And it would be even harder for the guy who thinks he knows who his dad is. Or that dad. Just sucks all around.
> 
> But in the end, the real issue here is whether you can move forward with your marriage regarding the affair. While this offspring is how you found out, it's not the crux of the issue. The crux is your H cheated on you while you had small children. You'll have to decide whether that's a dealbreaker in and of itself.


Sometimes it helps to think of people who have it harder, and it could have been even harder for me. Thank you for directing my focus.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> I’d really need to understand the full extent of the affair. I’d also need to know if there were other affairs.
> 
> and his crying... That wouldn’t work for me at all! He needs to quit avoiding acknowledging how you feel and start using his words to fully express his feelings instead of crying and sighing!
> 
> ...


The crying is sincere. It can be manipulative, I agree, because it creates empathy on my part, leading me to more easily think I forgive. But he is clearly in crisis and doing lots of soul searching. And I appreciate that. He is working with a therapist to understand his former self, which he is absolutely stymied by. It’s interesting, but he is just floored and devastated by what a sh** husband he used to be, not just in terms of the affair. It’s like he is seeing himself through a different lens, one that no longer makes excuses. I’m willing to wait and see what he learns.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> They'd probably been given a cover story.


Maybe.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Wanting to understand why it happened is common. Finding out the complete truth is another story. Most of us end up having to go on, or not, based on the sometimes very little information that we know for certain. He may not even remember why at this point — other than he could so he did.


This may be true. I find it such an unsatisfying answer to why this monumental event occurred to me though.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Maybe she doesn't know and her mother who had a child by another man has been lying to her entire family for just as long as your husband has been. Make no mistake they are all innocent victims in this too. I get that you don't want to be associated or have any contact with this person completely understandable, but you should focus your anger on who monsters who are really responsible.
> 
> She might be trying to figure it out now, if she didn't know yet or maybe just figured it out. She wouldn't be the first child to find out the the man she thought was her father wasn't actually her biological father and her Mother has been lying to all of them for years. Which is even worse then what you going through which is monstrous.
> 
> ...


I am not angry with the child or the husband. They actually break my heart. I am angry with my husband and the OW.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Follow through with the polygraph. He gave you enough to get you to back down.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> The polygraph recommendation took me totally by surprise. I’d never thought of it myself. It just seems wrong to have to do. But yes, the threat of it absolutely works. He came clean prior to getting it done. Though there were no other affairs, they did sleep together more than once; the affair lasted one month. I was, and still am, furious that I had to threaten a polygraph to get this information because frankly, it’s what I suspected all along. Why gaslight me? His response was that he thought a one night stand would be more palatable for me. Bull***t, it was more palatable for him. So while this admission brought me back emotionally to day 1, I also found it strangely calming. I was right and I felt I had some closure. Now we see where we can go from here.


So even then he wasnt prepared to tell the truth. Thats just terrible. How does he ever think you will be able to trust him again? Good that the threat of a polygraph did the trick though.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Follow through with the polygraph. He gave you enough to get you to back down.


I did. It was a nerve wracking experience for me too which I didn’t expect. But the results were the same.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> So even then he wasnt prepared to tell the truth. Thats just terrible. How does he ever think you will be able to trust him again?


That’s what I said.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> Thank you for your reply. I have rage for the OW and I often wonder if it’s misplaced. I mean, I have rage towards my husband too, but I’d really like to *** slap her. Thank you for confirming my rage. Internet snooping told me the child appears to their only one. I do feel for the live-in father and for the child who have no idea of their history. Although many on this forum advocate truth for all, I too worry about how such information would impact the live-in father and since I have no way of helping him to pick up his pieces and heal, I will not tell him anything.


Its often the case that the betrayed spouse seems to have more hate and anger for the lover than for the cheating spouse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Follow through with the polygraph. He gave you enough to get you to back down.


You have a point there, I think I would still go ahead with it, who knows what more may come out either before it or during it. It called trickle truth I believe.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The OW may not have known if it was not her husband’s baby or not, or didn’t care. I have “doubts” she ever told him this child wasn’t his, and I suspect it would totally crush this man to know she wasn’t biologically his. It’s been so long, I don’t even know if it would be best to tell him. He’d likely still love the child of course. I can’t see how it would bring anything but pain. This month long affair has surely caused you a lot of pain, OP.

you know your husband. He sounds like he sees just how bad this is, and takes responsibility. I’d go through with the polygragh too, but I think you likely know that whatever he did back then, he doesn’t do now. Good luck figuring it it how to get through this. It’s humdinger.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apple12 said:


> This may be true. I find it such an unsatisfying answer to why this monumental event occurred to me though.


Believe me, all of us who have been cheated on find it an unsatisfying answer. But it’s realistic. My husband only admitted to what I could prove and even then he tried to spin it. Cheaters and the truth tend to be far apart. It doesn’t benefit them to admit all they’ve done so they rarely do. That makes it hard to know what you’re dealing with when trying to decide whether to reconcile.

As to the OW, she may have seen your husband only as a possible sperm donor. The truth of that story won’t ever be known either but it could be more complicated than it appears. But she’s obviously not your real problem although I remember in the beginning wanting to rip the OW in my life into shreds. Whatever you decide, I hope that you are able to find peace.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

I am going to leave this forum now. I am so grateful for everyone’s input, helping me to find truth and giving me the strength to proceed. I don’t know where the road will take me, but I’m ready to travel on it. I am especially grateful because I know, for many of you, infidelity is a personal issue that has impacted you and your family. Being selfless in continuing to offer support to others affected by adultry is a testament to your kind and generous spirits. Thank you for being with me. I may switch over to another thread to help me on my travels. I hope you all stay well.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Believe me, all of us who have been cheated on find it an unsatisfying answer. But it’s realistic. My husband only admitted to what I could prove and even then he tried to spin it. Cheaters and the truth tend to be far apart. It doesn’t benefit them to admit all they’ve done so they rarely do. That makes it hard to know what you’re dealing with when trying to decide whether to reconcile.
> 
> As to the OW, she may have seen your husband only as a possible sperm donor. The truth of that story won’t ever be known either but it could be more complicated than it appears. But she’s obviously not your real problem although I remember in the beginning wanting to rip the OW in my life into shreds. Whatever you decide, I hope that you are able to find peace.


Thank you.


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## Apple12 (Dec 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its often the case that the betrayed spouse seems to have more hate and anger for the lover than for the cheating spouse.


That is not the case with me. While there is no love lost for the OW, it is my husband who I blame for breaking our trust.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wish the very best for you. Take care.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Apple12 said:


> The polygraph recommendation took me totally by surprise. I’d never thought of it myself. It just seems wrong to have to do. But yes, the threat of it absolutely works. He came clean prior to getting it done. Though there were no other affairs, they did sleep together more than once; the affair lasted one month. I was, and still am, furious that I had to threaten a polygraph to get this information because frankly, it’s what I suspected all along. Why gaslight me? His response was that he thought a one night stand would be more palatable for me. Bull***t, it was more palatable for him. So while this admission brought me back emotionally to day 1, I also found it strangely calming. I was right and I felt I had some closure. Now we see where we can go from here.


And there it is. He’s running damage control TWENTY FIVE YEARS LATER. This is the mindfuck of cheaters, they minimize and lie to serve themselves, why? Because saying he effed her 10 times instead of one might get you to NOT LEAVE HIM. Still selfish as hell. They filter information to get what they want, you to stay. This is the crux of the problem with cheaters, they have the propensity to be utterly selfish and self serving, and apparently 25 years doesn’t change that.

True remorse doesn’t feel the need to lie, true remorse will do whatever it takes to help you heal EVEN IF YOU LEAVE. This is still “I care about me.”

I’m sorry for all you are going through, your feelings are all very normal. Wishing you strength.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> The polygraph recommendation took me totally by surprise. I’d never thought of it myself. It just seems wrong to have to do. But yes, the threat of it absolutely works. He came clean prior to getting it done. Though there were no other affairs, they did sleep together more than once; the affair lasted one month. I was, and still am, furious that I had to threaten a polygraph to get this information because frankly, it’s what I suspected all along. Why gaslight me? His response was that he thought a one night stand would be more palatable for me. Bull***t, it was more palatable for him. So while this admission brought me back emotionally to day 1, I also found it strangely calming. I was right and I felt I had some closure. Now we see where we can go from here.


Unfortunately this is the second time your husband has proven to be a liar. I think you should absolutely follow through with the polygraph. As I said in my first post this is VERY COMMON when it comes to affairs and the thing they are most used for. It's important that you take emotions out of this and protect yourself. 

I am sorry for your pain, and this is not to discount it because any of us who have gone through it know it's horrendous, but this story follows a very typical pattern which is why most of the advice you have gotten is the same. 

A month long affair with a love child, why did she keep the kid? This seems off to me. I mean I guess she could have had some moral objection to abortion but given her affair it's hard to believe her morals were a motivating factor. 

I don't think you have the full picture yet. You should absolutely not be making a decision to move forward until you are certain that you have a full picture. Now is NOT the time to even be thinking about that. Figure out what really happened first.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apple12 said:


> The crying is sincere. It can be manipulative, I agree, because it creates empathy on my part, leading me to more easily think I forgive. But he is clearly in crisis and doing lots of soul searching. And I appreciate that. He is working with a therapist to understand his former self, which he is absolutely stymied by. It’s interesting, but he is just floored and devastated by what a sh** husband he used to be, not just in terms of the affair. It’s like he is seeing himself through a different lens, one that no longer makes excuses. I’m willing to wait and see what he learns.


With all do respect he lied about having a child with another women for decades. It's not like he suddenly forgot that and now remembers. He may have passively avoided telling you but he also actively chose not to do so. Even after this came out he lied to you when he had the chance to come clean. This is a man who lies. I don't think he has changed as much as you think. He just has his issues under control enough so that it generally doesn't effect his day to day life. But the lying still follows the typical pattern of someone who had addiction issues.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> The OW may not have known if it was not her husband’s baby or not, or didn’t care. I have “doubts” she ever told him this child wasn’t his, and I suspect it would totally crush this man to know she wasn’t biologically his. It’s been so long, I don’t even know if it would be best to tell him. He’d likely still love the child of course. I can’t see how it would bring anything but pain. This month long affair has surely caused you a lot of pain, OP.
> 
> you know your husband. He sounds like he sees just how bad this is, and takes responsibility. I’d go through with the polygragh too, but I think you likely know that whatever he did back then, he doesn’t do now. Good luck figuring it it how to get through this. It’s humdinger.


The problem with this is heredity and how it effects your potential health. Also now that it is out there I suspect eventually this child will find out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Apple12 said:


> The polygraph recommendation took me totally by surprise. I’d never thought of it myself. It just seems wrong to have to do. But yes, the threat of it absolutely works. He came clean prior to getting it done. Though there were no other affairs, they did sleep together more than once; the affair lasted one month. I was, and still am, furious that I had to threaten a polygraph to get this information because frankly, it’s what I suspected all along. Why gaslight me? His response was that he thought a one night stand would be more palatable for me. Bull***t, it was more palatable for him. So while this admission brought me back emotionally to day 1, I also found it strangely calming. I was right and I felt I had some closure. Now we see where we can go from here.


So now you know he's still willing to lie to hold on to you.

He's not aa changed of a guy as you thought.

Schedule a polygraph anyway. Whether its conclusive or not isn't the point...the point is whether he spills anything else on the way when it's about to happen.

As you now know cheaters lie and what it usually takes to get them to come clean is the knowledge that you're going to find out.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apple12 said:


> The polygraph recommendation took me totally by surprise. I’d never thought of it myself. It just seems wrong to have to do. But yes, the threat of it absolutely works. He came clean prior to getting it done. Though there were no other affairs, they did sleep together more than once; the affair lasted one month. I was, and still am, furious that I had to threaten a polygraph to get this information because frankly, it’s what I suspected all along. Why gaslight me? His response was that he thought a one night stand would be more palatable for me. Bull***t, it was more palatable for him. So while this admission brought me back emotionally to day 1, I also found it strangely calming. I was right and I felt I had some closure. Now we see where we can go from here.


Wow, so he was lying to you 20+ years ago and was still lying up to now.... that is a tough one, but what we expected. Glad the parking lot confession worked...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Apple12 said:


> I did. It was a nerve wracking experience for me too which I didn’t expect. But the results were the same.


Per the above, it seems he has already taken a polygraph.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Follow through with the polygraph. He gave you enough to get you to back down.


This! there could well be more


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Apple12 said:


> I did. It was a nerve wracking experience for me too which I didn’t expect. But the results were the same.


what were the results, only this one time?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Apple12 wishing you well whatever you decide to do


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