# alone with angry husband...



## tiredandsad (Feb 16, 2012)

Hello,

I have been reading here and it has helped me clear my head I hope. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married just over 2. I thought he was the man of my dreams...

There were some red flags early on looking back, but nothing major. but now I am coming to believe while he may not mean to, he is emotionally abusive. He is fine but then he turns on a dime, his issues range from deciding I am not walking right to other things, like him spontaneously seeing me in town and me not seeing him so I'm an idiot and need to learn to open my eyes. Its laughable if not so sad. If I let him berate me, it eventually passes but the moment I try to stand up for myself he gets much worse, nothing physical, he gives me the silent treatment or leaves all day, for days, won't speak to me.
We are on vacation right now and he hasn't spoken to me for 4 days and he is seething angry. 

Because I told him we need to get help (therapy), come up with a plan together or while I want to keep our marriage, I can't go on like this. Not that I have anywhere to go 

Things had been better since last spring when I went to counseling - alone, he refused to go but then he seemed to really try. He even changed his job to reduce stress and we moved overseas (near his home).

So now I find myself in a new country, no ability to work, my parents are gone (died) and I left my career (no returning). We have some money, but I feel scared and trapped. I have no friends here, we sold my house. I feel like a sucker now looking at my position. How stupid could I be?

He has never hit me, and he wont but I fear he is emotionally messed up. I have been told by his family just now...that he has always had problems like this. I never would have guessed, he is successful, worldly....I left everything thinking I could trust him. I am praying that we can get through this but while I am pretending to be strong and not crumble in front of him, I'm scared and feel sick. I don't want to overreact and I realize reading here that I may have to leave at some point but I can't right now, I literally have nowhere to go.

Thank you for listening


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I have been with my wife for 25 years, married 20. I always knew I had temper problems, said some mean things, but it always blew over. There were no negative consequences. Sound familiar to you?

Flash forward to a little over 2 years ago when I tried to fix what I saw as a rut in my marriage. Long story short, I finally got my wife to (sort of) admit that she checked out of our marriage years (decades?) ago due to my emotional abuse. So now I was :

1 - Miserable that my wife didn't really like me.
2 - Devastated that the state of my marriage was my fault.
3 - At the beginning of living the rest of my life with a woman who does not love me, may not even like me, and it won't change.

As soon as it hit me that it was my fault, I changed. IMMEDIATELY. I RARELY lose my temper. Nothing but honey comes out of my mouth now. But it's too late. 20 years of it and she only knows the man she hates. I can go 6 months as the perfect husband and father. ONE slip and I'm back to square one. She's gone and ain't coming back. I am committed to loneliness and misery for the rest of my life. I am about as miserable as a man can be in a monogamous marriage.

Buy yourself a plane ticket back to your home country. Walk out the door. Leave a letter stating why you are leaving. Print this post as an attachment. Make sure he KNOWS it's his fault. He will be scared straight when he see's how important it is to you. He's not going to change because you and a counselor tell him he needs to. He needs to see for himself how bad it is. How bad HE is.

5 years. Maybe the damage wasn't so great that you can both get over it. I envy you your desire to fix it. Maybe you can. Let your husband know he doesn't have to be as miserable as MrK in 15 years.

Good luck to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry you are in this situation.

Most abusers do not change. They get worse over time. For one to change, they have to first acknowledge tat they are doing something wrong and commit to stopping the behavior. Through actions. Most never get to that point. 

You said he wasn't aware he was doing it, but he is 100% fully aware of how he treats you. Everyone is. So do not push his behavior aside on the chance that he "may not" know what he's doing. That is a very poor excuse.

Ignoring you for days/ leaving for days/prolonged silent treatments--do not resolve any problems. It sounds as if anytime you bring up a concern you have, he blanks you. I have been in this exact relationship before. It never got better. My ex husband was a master sulker and no matter what I said about it, he would just ignore more. It is extremely emotionally damaging and emotionally abusive to intentionally ignore someone for days. It's used as a form of control/manipulation. My ex could go WEEKS, and over a month doing this. I ended up leaving him. I don't pity you. It sucks. 

You also said your family has told you "he has always had problems like this." Expand. Explain more so we can get the full picture. That is a big red flag.

What is his relationship like with his family? Has he been married before? If so, why did this relationships end? Does he blame past relationships ending solely on his ex partners? Does he ever accept any blame for his behavior? Or does he blame everything he does on you/everyone else?

What's going to happen is that his behavior is going to make you lose respect for him. And once someone loses respect, the thing that follows is resentment. That is a hard one to come back from. He is either committed to making the relationship better with your or he isn't.

Stop enabling his bad behavior.
The bottom line is that abuse is never ok. If you tell him how you feel and he doesn't do anything to stop this, you need to decide if you are willing to tolerate a relationship where you are feeling hurt all the time. Cause that is what it comes down to.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

T&S, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a painful experience with your H. The behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, punishing you with icy withdrawal, irrational anger, lack of impulse control, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine a person's ability to sustain a friendship or marriage.

Only a professional can determine whether your H's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full blown disorder. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that level, they can make your life miserable. I therefore suggest you read about these traits so you can spot the red flags, i.e., the strong occurrences of such traits.


tiredandsad said:


> He is emotionally abusive. He is fine but then he turns on a dime.


The Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde behavior you are describing -- where a man flips quickly from adoring you to hating you -- is called "black-white thinking." It is one of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits at or below the diagnostic level). 

It occurs because BPDers cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings or ambiguities. They therefore categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad" -- i.e., as "with me" or "against me." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. 

This instant "flip" is necessary because they are unwilling to place someone in a middle ground or grey area. That is, they are extremely uncomfortable with the notion that someone is basically a good person who occasionally does bad things. This distorted "all-or-nothing" view of other people also will be seen in the way a BPDer frequently uses the expressions "you _always_ do..." and "you _never_ do...." This distorted perception of other people exists because the BPDer's emotional development is stuck at the level of a four year old.


> We are on vacation right now and he hasn't spoken to me for 4 days and he is seething angry.


If he is a BPDer, he has been carrying an enormous amount of anger inside since early childhood. Because it is always there, you don't have to do anything to CREATE it. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger. This is why it can erupt in ten seconds.


> If I try to stand up for myself he gets much worse ... the silent treatment or leaves all day, for days, won't speak to me.


Typically, a BPDer's anger is displayed as temper tantrums and verbal abuse lasting several hours. This "acting out" way of releasing anger is what most BPDers do whenever their anger is triggered. A substantial portion of them, however, will often turn their anger inward -- called "acting in." This does not mean you escape punishment. Instead, it means that you will be punished with sulking, passive aggressive remarks, and icy withdrawal -- sometimes for days. 

BPDers who "act in" more frequently than they "act out" are called "quiet BPDers." A.J. Mahari wrote an excellent article about them. You will find it at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. 

I mention this article because, if your H has strong BPD traits, he may behave like a "quiet BPDer" much of the time when he is punishing you by freezing you out. Yet, no matter how the anger is displayed, the abuse usually gets worse if you keep enabling it to occur by walking on eggshells around him -- as Jellybeans says above. It therefore is important to establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them, as Jellybeans is encouraging you to do.


> I fear he is emotionally messed up. I have been told by his family just now...that he has always had problems like this.


If he has most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level, he has had the problem since the age of about 3 or 4. Typically, for a high functioning BPDer, the traits are not very noticeable outwardly until the mid-teens, at which time he is trying to establish LTRs outside the family. If your H is a BPDer, he almost certainly is high functioning or you would not have been dating him, much less marrying him.


> I never would have guessed [that he has emotional problems], he is successful, worldly.


Because the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, most of them interact very well with business associates, casual friends, and complete strangers. None of those people pose a threat to a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned. And there is no intimacy that can trigger the frightening feeling of being engulfed by another person's personality. Lord help those people, however, if they ever make the mistake of trying to draw close to him. This is why a BPDer can treat strangers with kindness all day long and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him.


> I'm scared and feel sick. I don't want to overreact.


T&S, I don't know whether or not your fiance has most of the nine BPD traits at a strong level. Yet, if he does, I am confident that you can easily spot the nine red flags if you will take time to read about them. Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. 

Likewise, you could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.

I therefore suggest you read my description of these traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell and the traits seem to describe your H's behavior, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I also would be happy to point you to a good book and excellent online resources. And I would encourage you to see a psychologist, on your own, to obtain a candid professional opinion. Take care, T&S.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Assuming there's an 'all good' at all, you mean. Some people are in reality always unpleasant miserable angry self suffering a-holes who frequently erupt into open warfare for no reason. We become inured to their non-outbursts and consider that to be normal after a while. In truth though it's not normal.


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## tiredandsad (Feb 16, 2012)

Thank you so much for your input. Uptown, I will do some reading, thank you fo rthe information. MrK...your story was very sad and very honest. Thank you for sharing with me.

I handled myself better this time, I didn't cave in and calm him down and let him off the hook.

He is obviously in pain and initiated a conversation this morning (by insulting me but it was clear it was an opening - sigh) In a nutshell, he refuses to go to MC at this time, but would if something got "bad enough", he agreed to read a book about solving conflicts/relationships and I insisted he come up with something proactive from him so he came up with a tiered verbal warning system to use with him, and he would abide by the "rules". 

That's the best progress we have made to date and I want to be hopeful but I'm having a difficult time trusting him anymore.

I was thinking in the least it will buy me some time? I really do want to try but I am worried about things I am learning from his friends and family.

My plan for now is to get back from vacation and get some control back. Figure out my flight plan just in case...I can't do this overnight as I don't have parents or close friends I can run to.

If I need to leave and cannot do so immediately, perhaps I could put some distance between us and send a message by moving into another part of the house? That does not seem very nice but I am not sure what I can do. If this continues and I can't leave right away, I could use some healthy suggestions on setting boundaries with him.

Thank you again.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wow,sounds like I was,not as bad but close.I almost lost lost my wife,there were other issues but I needed IC bad.It taught me so much.I was so damn stubborn,it took a crisis for me to get my head back on straight.I'm glad I did.Almost lost the most important person in the world to me.She's,happy with me now.When I start feeling the anger rise i have to honestly ask my self what the outcome is going to be.The answer is everyone gets hurt, it works for me,now I want to please her (no doormatt) and in doing so she pleases me.Wished I would have done this years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

tiredandsad, I'm sorry to tell you this but MC is NOT going to solve anything. Emotional abuse is also considered another type of domestic abuse. In MC, likewise couples therapy, the counselor will try and get both parties to take fault of the problems that are faced. Unfortunately, with domestic abuse, there is only one person who has to claim fault for the problems (abuse), that is the abuser. 

MC isn't going to change anything, and sometimes it makes things worse. I'm not telling you there is 0% chance of any help at all but, chances are MC or therapy isn't going to "create a change" in your husband. Trust me, I've been there, done that. It's your husband who has to change and it can't be some mediocre ultimatum you lay down that forces him to go "okay I'll go/do it since you are going to leave if I don't" or "okay I'll go/do it and change".

Those "verbal warnings" you're thinking of... not to sound so pessimistic but if they work... I'd be at a loss of words. It sounds as though you are the one initiating these conversations about your problems. You can never force change on anyone. Sure, they can pretend to change. My exH sure was good at pretending!! He went on to websites, read up on stuff and even went to therapy for a while! Boy he had me on the merry-go-round. You can take the pig outta the dirt but you can't take the dirt outta the pig, (unless it AINT a pig of course!). Also, secluding your husband away from yourself in the house is going to most likely have little, if any effect, on the problem. It might even make him more frustrated and likely to lash out on you.

I don't care how long couples have been married/together for. My golden rule is: If it smells, looks, and sounds like abuse, then get the heck out. I know, easier said than done but, it's a very important rule. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to, but I have very little faith in abusers changing (aside from MrK's situation, bravo  !)

In your case, I'd suggest you start up some sort of secret financial safeguard or yourself. Get a bank and a postal box so your husband can't have access to it. Start saving up, and rebuild your independence so when you make the stand to take action, you won't be in a situation where he has authority over your decisions. I was with my exH for 6 years before I finally cooked up the courage to leave. It CAN be done, you are not alone or helpless, you are just confused. Everyone gets confused, it's completely normal.


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## tiredandsad (Feb 16, 2012)

I really don't know if it is possible he can change, if he genuinely wants to or if he is an abuser or has emotional issues....

It occurred to me that it really doesn't matter what the label is, I was having such a nice time and then it starts again. It doesn't even upset me like it used to the pattern is so sad and predictable. He's so relieved its over and acting so nice tonight and I just feel sad, I look at my handsome husband who I always found so attractive and I feel completely detached right now. 

I want to try, I want him to try and we agreed so its the idea for now. I realize it is unlikely to do anything so I am preparing my exit plan, I will need some time. If he will change, lucky me but I think I see my situation clearly now. I contacted the MC from before and we arranged something long distance so I have a independent person I can talk too. 

Wish me luck in either outcome, this is a very helpful forum, I'm glad I found it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I couldn't live with my abusive husband. I left after a year, but he still had visitation. I was lucky for a few years to have it supervised, my husband just about killed my daughter and I in a rage after holding us hostage in my own home. It was a year of hell. I have blocked a lot of those memories and put them behind me.

The abuse went straight to my daughter, especially as she grew older. His abuse has gotten much worse over the last 17-18 years. He was also unfaithful and one of his mistresses moved in 3 days after I left, he is still with her and remains to be very abusive and unfaithful. I've never seen such an angrier person in my life. He is not a man, but a coward. The red flags were there. He told me that he will never respect women and all us women are going to hell. He has some serious mental issues going on. My ex refuses my daughter to contact her siblings. He says it's all her fault, but she has done nothing wrong and listened to them. My daughter says he treats her 2-3 year old sister the same way since she was born, he wants nothing to do with her and will grow up abusing her as well. They have social services on their case, due to living in an apartment and others worried for the safety of my daughters step mom and siblings.

You need to do whatever it takes and leave that situation as fast as you possibly can. My ex stalked me for a year after I left. He actually would disguise himself with a fake mustache and beard. He stole my checkbook, one credit card and drivers license out of my car, later to take another credit card in my name and maxed them both out.

I remarried to a man who fully respects me and who is in love with me. We live a very peaceful life with our children. There are much better men out there. You can not fix or change your current husband. You need to get yourself out fast! I know it's not easy, but you'll live a much happier and normal life. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

tiredandsad said:


> I really don't know if it is possible he can change, if he genuinely wants to or if he is an abuser or has emotional issues....
> 
> It occurred to me that it really doesn't matter what the label is, I was having such a nice time and then it starts again. It doesn't even upset me like it used to the pattern is so sad and predictable. He's so relieved its over and acting so nice tonight and I just feel sad, I look at my handsome husband who I always found so attractive and I feel completely detached right now.
> 
> ...


And that detachment will continue to grow. If your H has agreed to work on it, what has he committed to exactly? 
My H has been abusive on every level. We've been married for 5 yrs and I'm determining my sex drive has diminished over the years in part due to his behavior. This past year was mixed with some of the worst abuse I've ever experienced and some of best behavior I've ever experienced from my H. Talk about further confusion over the state of my marriage.

My H has diagnosed behavior issues (ADHD) and probably some kind of bipolar (he refuses the label and refuses to talk to a therapist about that), but does acknowledge the similar characteristics. I think he finally noticed that this past year... And it could be the reason for his marked improvement.

I think getting your H to notice his behavior as a form of abuse is very important for change too. 

If after all that, he doesn't change, then you will have to do what you need to do to protect yourself and any future children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoodLove (Feb 19, 2012)

I was in a mentally abusive relationship for several years, and it doesn't get better--it only got worse until I got out. I think you should offer him a chance to get counciling and tell him what he needs to change to keep you. If this doesn't work, start formulating an exit strategy and try to work on buidling up your stength and independence in the relationship so you can stand on your own two feet without him. Start building friendships, enjoying hobbies, maybe see a therapist and focus on getting mentally strong. Then find someone kind and good, who treats you with respect and honor. It sounds like you'd be better off alone than with someone who destroys your spirit. You deserve better, and you need to start figuring out how to get it.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

I am so very sorry you are going through this 

My husband is somewhat like that, and I've been on here posting about my problems. Someone gave a great term that explained my hard to pinpoint problem with, and it was "Gas Lighting". It's basically where a person will try to shift your reality, feelings, and confidence about yourself to gain control over you and the situation. Gaslighters must always be right because in their insecure nature, they must desperately try to maintain a positive self image, so maybe look that up. I'm going through this with my hubby at the moment, and so far it's helping understanding what we're dealing with.

However your husband sounds even moreso difficult. He does not want to do anything to change himself because in his mind he is not wrong in the slightest, so why should _he_ have to change? And quite frankly nothing you do will change that in him, he needs to _want_ to do it. 

It's a rough climb out from under this behavior, but you must do it, with or without him, for your own sake. Be strong. KNOW that you are not these things he's labeling you as and you don't deserve this treatment. He's trying to control you with this type of abuse because he is terribly insecure and selfish. Remember that fighting back will not work with him. Being strong, calm, to the point, and resolute in progressing, don't give him the satisfaction of his words and behavior making an impact. I know it's a lot more difficult than that, and a lot of hardship on your part will be adherent to this, but in the end with practice you will become a stronger more confident woman who can take control of this type of unfairness and abuse. Hopefully your husband will see his type of control is no longer tolerated, and if he loves you enough, will truly seek out how to change.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

The thing with emotional abuse is that the abuser thinks that the love will never die. They think that by emotionally abusing someone...that they will take that person down soo much and suck so much confidence out of them that they will never leave.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think most of the time with emotional abusers..they have no confidence in themselves..and thus think that if they take the other person down..that they will never ever leave them.

It's a control issue for them.

Granted, it may work for awhile..but in the long run..the person that loves them...day by day, the love grows less and less until finally, there's no love left to get back and thus..no matter what you do to get that love back..it's just plain gone.


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