# Wife left after I got sober



## dbjr

I was a drunk for the 20 years we have been together, and it wasn't pretty. After several stints in rehab I finally got sober 6 months ago. Last week she asked me to leave, saying she needed space, she loved me but wasn't sure she was in love with me, that I had been a terrible father and husband, and she needed a change. She wants us to date again and see how it goes. Why now when I got sober? Why not while I was still a drunk?


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## Mavash.

When someone changes even for the better it always changes the dynamic. You quitting has probably triggered all kinds of anger over all the years she put up with it.


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## Runs like Dog

Some people are in love with their own martyr complex. Others see their relationships as their personal Florence Nightingale project.


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## dbjr

How do I diffuse that anger? I understand the change in dynamic part. Sometimes I don't have any idea what I'm doing anymore or why I was the way I was. Sometimes I see my wife as if she is a stranger, since I'm sober now.


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## dbjr

Runs like Dog said:


> Some people are in love with their own martyr complex. Others see their relationships as their personal Florence Nightingale project.


Martyr?


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## Runs like Dog

yeah. the cross they hung on putting up with you. now they don't have to and it's a disappointment.


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## Mavash.

If my dad quit drinking my mom wouldn't have a reason to get up in the morning. She is an enabler. She'd have to leave to find someone else to 'fix'.


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## Mavash.

dbjr said:


> How do I diffuse that anger?


You don't. You focus on your health, your happiness and you let her go.


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## Trickster

When we stop the alcohol, we start to grow up a little. We change. Maybe she liked picking up the mess while you were drinking. Maybe she liked the abuse. (if there was). 

Does she drink?

Did she loose her drinking buddy?

We you nicer when you were drinking?

She could have many years of resentments and she doesn’t or is not ready to forgive you.

Are you going to A.A? Working on the steps to make amends to the ones we hurt. She may have told you where to go…

I see this a lot in A.A too much to mention.


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## dbjr

She probably has a Lot of resentments. She didn't drink. It is just disappointing because I quit drinking because I didn't want to loose everything, and I'm losing it anyway!


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## In_The_Wind

Stay Sober work on yrself get a sponser work the steps help others friend of Bill W. sd 06/24/2000


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## Trickster

dbjr said:


> She probably has a Lot of resentments. She didn't drink. It is just disappointing because I quit drinking because I didn't want to loose everything, and I'm losing it anyway!


Maybe you can work on yourself without any distractions. Work on being a better man. For myself, I have a very long way to go. I am still half the man I want to be. I'll get there and so will you. Stay strong my friend!


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## 67flh

In_The_Wind said:


> Stay Sober work on yrself get a sponser work the steps help others friend of Bill W. sd 06/24/2000


buddy i feel bad 4 u..but you have done the hard part by getting sober...dont let this throw you beck into the drinking lifestyle. you only been sober for 6 months..youre minds still in a alchol fog
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fearful55

dbjr said:


> How do I diffuse that anger? I understand the change in dynamic part. Sometimes I don't have any idea what I'm doing anymore or why I was the way I was. Sometimes I see my wife as if she is a stranger, since I'm sober now.


Keep it simple. Don't drink, NO MATTER WHAT! You were that way cause you are an alcoholic. For now, that's all you need to know. The only thing you can do that can influence her is what you need to do for you. You are powerless over people, places, and things. That includes the people you wish would see the potential in the "sober" you. 

One thing is certain...nothing will get better if you pick up a drink. It is guaranteed to get worse. I've never heard anyone say that it got better when they went back out. 

You didn't say you were thinking about drinking. But when you are feeling what you are feeling in early sobriety, true friends will tell you to keep your sobriety in the top priority position. Use that serenity prayer to help you determine what you can control and what you can't, to let go of the things you can't control and to take action on the things you can control.


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## jayde

So . . . you stopped drinking 6 months ago and now she asks YOU to leave. Don't go anywhere! I assume you are both on the mortgage/deed of the house. If she's not happy that you're not drinking, then she can leave. And TBH, you said now you've lost everything . . . if she now wants you to leave after you get your act together, I'm not so sure you had what you think you had. Stay strong.


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## dbjr

Unfortunately, I already moved out....

Thanks for all the input! I'll stay sober, it's gonna be hard...


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## Mavash.

Hang in there. Nobody is worth giving up your life for. At this point in your journey you really need to focus on healing and less on what your wife is doing. She had a part in this too. She stayed when she should have left years ago. I hold her responsible for that part.


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## 67flh

buddy stay sober,right now you are in a bad spot, but when it's all over you will still be sober, and a much better person.


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## sisters359

Maybe she didn't leave b/c she felt guilty about it--leaving you and maybe the kids at times with someone irresponsible. 

You will not lose everything--even if you lose your wife. 20 years of your drinking cannot be undone in 6 months, if ever. 

Let her go and don't be an a*shole about it--if she still wants to date, she may feel she needs to find out if she can still love you, b/c she sure as heck didn't "love" the man you were while drinking. If you think of it as a fresh start and a chance to prove to YOURSELF that you are serious about your commitment to be sober and to be a better person, then you win whether she decides to stay married or not.


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## becky1234

Hi. Just want to say that I did the same thing as your wife. My husband drank for the first 10 years of our marriage and gave up 3 years ago. 
I found myself wishing he would start drinking again and not because I enjoyed being a matyr or because I needed to continue enabling his habits. It was a long nightmare that has caused serious damage to our marriage and children. I was horrified when I found myself wishing he would start drinking again but I realised it was because he was also a more relaxed person then as he had a release for his frustrations and irritations. 
Just because he's abstaining from the alcohol now doesn't mean he has dealt with the issues that caused it in the first place. He is now an extremely moody and irritating person and we have separated for the time being. 
We are starting counseling tomorrow and I also feel I don't want to get back together with him until we find out whether the counseling is working. 
Your wife has suggested you start "dating". She probably needs to get to know the new you.


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## dbjr

I'm not going to be a jerk about it. I am going to give her the space she asked for. All I can do is be the best person I can be and hope for the best!


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## Chris Taylor

She needs to see whether she can fall in love with the sober you after living with the drunk you for so many years.


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## Trickster

My wife also told me that I was more relaxed when I would drink a few glasses of wine. She doesn't drink but She would rather me drink a few to unwind. I could be more of an A-hole sober. I don't really know. I wasn't a mean drunk at all.


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## Going Mental

You've been drunk for 20 years man. Your coping skills and hers no longer work for both of you. I should know, I told my H it was the pot or me/our family. I could no longer stand it and was prepared to lose my 20 year R. He's been clean now for nearly 9 months. Even after he stopped smoking, things went from bad to worse and are only now seriously trying to reconcile. 

My anger and resentment came before the ulimatum, your W's is coming after. Both of you need IC and MC stat. The work has only just begun. As sister359 says, you can't undo 20 years of damage in 6 months. Like many things it will take a lot of time and a lot of hard work. You can win her back....are you prepared to take up the challenge??? 

Please, please stay on the wagon. If you fall off, get up and get back on. I agree with others on this thread that your wife may be an enabler/co-dependent. If you are going to AA, suggest she goes to AlAnon. I hope you can both take this journey together.


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## Peachy Cat

My second husband (separated for several years, still married) is an alcoholic. While he was drinking, I learned to be independent in lots of ways (emotionally, financially) and I got used to doing my own thing. I always felt responsible for him (taking care of him, covering for him... all the things codependents do). After he got sober and I no longer felt the obligation to take care of him, I realized I no longer wanted to be with him.

Sadly, we change while the addict stays the same. And, once the drama ends and "real life" can finally begin, sometimes we realize we are stronger than we thought.

My husband never stayed sober more than 9 months at a time for the entire 14 years we were together. So, I did find it difficult to start over ... and over.. and over. So, I finally left.

I hope everything works out for you and that you STAY SOBER with or without her.


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## Awakening2012

Hi There - I'm in a similar situation, and can only tell you, sometimes the spouse stays with us during our active illness for all kinds of reasosns, sense of responsibility, obilgation to care for us , etc. But when we're "stabilized" it is like they can finally breathe and need space to focus on taking care of themselves and seeing if they can come to terms with all their hurt and resentment. It is sad and painful, but we have to put ourselves in their shoes, take responsibility for the collateral damage our disease has caused them, have deep compassion for their pain and give them all the time and space in the world to process. 

I am now sober 3+ months, coming back from a 2 year relapse that was hell on my husband. One month back from rehab, he separated from me two weeks ago, and it is HARD AS HELL not medicating the pain I feel over this every day, for screwing up the best thing in my life -- all I had worked hard for, to be in a health relationship with the man of my dreams AFTER 14 YEARS IN RECOVERY! 

All I can advise is stick VERY CLOSE to the program, get to a meeting every single day (more than one if needed), work with a sponsor and call them every day, and develop a sober support network. Also, pray, if you can, for God to watch over your wife and heal her heart -- this is what I do: re: my husband, and try to focus on cleaning up my side of the street. It is really difficult and painful, but DO NOT let fear get the best of you -- this is your time to work on your beautiful second chance for a better life FOR YOU, with or without her. It will all get better, one way or another, as long as you stay sober and live the program! Hang in there and have faith that God will sort things out to the best interests of all involved.

Best Wishes, - A12


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## Peachy Cat

I hope everything works out for you A2012-14 years is a LONG time. Perhaps, after a little time has passed and he can begin to see the "real" you, the "old" you that he loved before your relapse, he'll work it out with you.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, Peachy Cat - I did not mean to hijack dbjr's thread, but appreciate your kind words. I realize that if I am serious about re-committing to my recovery (and most defiitely am), then I cannot afford to live in fear and remorse. I have to respect my husband's space and process, work on my own emotional and spiritual health and independence, and trust that all will work out as it is supposed to.

I hope your life has gotten better for you since you chose your new path!

Cheers, - A12


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