# After a EA,what should WS show they are serious about R



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

What does your WS really show you that he or she is really serious about repairing the relationship after a EA? Any examples?
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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Tell us a whole lot more about your exact situation, so we can know what types of examples and help to give you!!!!!!!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

calvin,

The answer to your question is 110% transparency. It's actually quite tiring and over-kill for a normal relationship, but a WS who wants to repair a marriage should indeed *WANT TO* be overly transparent just to stand on high ground as far as trust goes.

Another thing that perhaps will help put both minds at ease is increased sex. It's important for both parties to be sexually exhausted and satisfied by each other so the BS feels confident that the WS has little desire to seek extramarital help in that department. 

Finally, above normal levels of affection are needed (sometimes even exaggerated/faked) to ensure all the positive emotions are staying inside the marriage and romance is fully expressed. Again, this is a piece of mind for both parties. The BS is relieved that the WS is fully checked-in and the WS gets high marks in the transparency department.

Is your wife doing all that?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks Synthetic,yes wife is doing all that and more,maybe its just me,I figured by now I would futher along than I am.I'v been triggering here and there and I feel pretty good one day but then the next I cant stop thinking about the EA,I guess there is no "script" to follow in all this,evwryone heals at their own speed
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The first reconcilliation between my wife and I that happened eighteen years ago was a false one, although she seeemed very contrite at the time. I believed it, but I'm thinking she was just a very good liar because she did it again a few weeks ago. 

So I am hardly the one to give advice on this subject.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

The WS needs to show you, by word and deed, that you and the marriage and the family is/are their priority. The WS needs to "get it". Every time they minimize and say it didn't mean anything or wasn't much of anything or they were/are just friends, or they blame shift, you know they don't get it. That means you can't heal because you know they don't have any internal barrier to it happening again.
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why has your wife stopped posting Calvin?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Another thing that perhaps will help put both minds at ease is increased sex. It's important for both parties to be sexually exhausted and satisfied by each other so the BS feels confident that the WS has little desire to seek extramarital help in that department.



I have trouble with this one, I don't look at my H the same way after his EA's, I sure don't want to give in and just "give him more sex" I don't think that should be something the BS should HAVE to do more of if they don't want to, "just to keep the POS from going somewhere else for it... if they want it somewhere else,,, they're going to find a way no matter what. 
Why just give him extra icing on the cake for him to have and eat?

I'm not going to just start worshiping him, giving him all this attention, as if rewarding him for having an A, just to try to convince him to stay with me...... I think it just shows them a bad "positive" consequence.

I agree with the transparency and they need to show "great" remorse, be willing to answer any and all questions without hesitation and honestly. THEY need to do all the lifting....

Even so, sometimes that is not enough, some BS's just can't forgive or get past. It depends on the person. Sorry you are going through this.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks again all,Bandit,I'm not sure why she isnt posting,I wish she would,not a lot but at least sometimes,I think it might help me.I think she's not posting because of guilt,shame and seems like she doesnt want to be reminded of the EA.She has said a few times we need to move forward and put this behind us and I am doing that but not at the speed she would like,she did mention she feels picked on sometimes when she post,so I dont know.It seems to me she is doing the right things but she want this to move along much faster.I wonder if she knows how much this really hurts
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> She has said a few times we need to move forward and put this behind us and I am doing that but not at the speed she would like,she did mention she feels picked on sometimes when she post,so I dont know.It seems to me she is doing the right things but she want this to move along much faster.I wonder if she knows how much this really hurts


Its called rug sweeping my friend. Don't let her do it. Sounds to me like there is alot of guilt but not much remorse. Guilt can go away but remorse needs to stay if your marriage is going to survive.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

....More I think about it, I think the fact that your wife is not participating with you in these postings is a part of her rug sweeping. That's unfortunate because there are many former waywards on this board who can identify with her and help her in her recovery. Its free. No cost to her but time and finger energy. Too bad she won't take advantage of it.

Why not be her point man? Ask her to participate and tell her you will go through a thread first and if any posters have abusive or abrasive comments you can steer her away from that particular thread? It could be a bonding thing for the two of you.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Here I am Cals wife..I read alot on here and these posts are sad and remind me of what I did and sometimes I do not know what to say. This morning I mtaught preschool and was smiling and feeling normal and happy, did not have the other guy on my mind..Here I come home and he is brought up again and I feel naucious when his name is brought up because I hate what I did and am trying very hard not to hate myself, it's natural for someone in my shoes to stop thinking about the past and move forward. It hurts me when I know hubby is thinking about because I know it's hurting him..I've been praying alot. I do not want that guy on my mind and hubby shouldn't want me thinking about him either..I am glad th EO did not go to far but it still happend and I cannot change tht, if I could I would so I try to keep positive and pray that Calvin and I will always love, support, give affection, attention, acceptance, and allowing so that we will be happy forever together. I am scared, don't get me wrong, I'm so scared Calvin will leave me. This has been a nightmare by my own fault and I just don't want salt on that wound.
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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> The first reconcilliation between my wife and I that happened eighteen years ago was a false one, although she seeemed very contrite at the time. I believed it, but I'm thinking she was just a very good liar because she did it again a few weeks ago.
> 
> So I am hardly the one to give advice on this subject.


Bandit....where you and your wife separated the first time it happened? If so, how long?
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

About two to three months. She was staying at her sisters and I had my feelers out making sure she was not still seeing her old BF. I was no contact the first month and then I called to check on her when I heard she had gotten in a car wreck. She was ok, but that got us talking again. She stayed with her sister a few more weeks before she and I decided to give R a try. That was back around Sept '94.
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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> Here I am Cals wife..I read alot on here and these posts are sad and remind me of what I did and sometimes I do not know what to say. This morning I mtaught preschool and was smiling and feeling normal and happy, did not have the other guy on my mind..Here I come home and he is brought up again and I feel naucious when his name is brought up because I hate what I did and am trying very hard not to hate myself, it's natural for someone in my shoes to stop thinking about the past and move forward. It hurts me when I know hubby is thinking about because I know it's hurting him..I've been praying alot. I do not want that guy on my mind and hubby shouldn't want me thinking about him either..I am glad th EO did not go to far but it still happend and I cannot change tht, if I could I would so I try to keep positive and pray that Calvin and I will always love, support, give affection, attention, acceptance, and allowing so that we will be happy forever together. I am scared, don't get me wrong, I'm so scared Calvin will leave me. This has been a nightmare by my own fault and I just don't want salt on that wound.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And it's understood you don't want to be reminded of the OM, but as a BS, as you are able to go teach and not think of the OM, your H is not so lucky. My H doesn't like talking about his EA either,,, says he does not think about the Owomen. (I don't believe) And thinks since he's not talking to them anymore, things are supposed to just be normal again. 

Yet I wake up thinking about it, and go to bed thinking about it. I talk about it to friends every day. I search phone records, check his keylogger, wonder if he has another phone with him, wonder what they talked about, wonder how attached they were, wonder "why??" he did this to me, wonder if he will do it again? Etc... etc...

while in your EA, I'm sure you thought about your AP everyday and night,,,,,,and your H not so much. Well now it's the other way around. 

I am not attacking,,,, just explaining what I go through, and it's been 5 months since first Dday.

I do wish you luck on your H forgiving and being able to R.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I have trouble with this one, I don't look at my H the same way after his EA's, I sure don't want to give in and just "give him more sex" I don't think that should be something the BS should HAVE to do more of if they don't want to, "just to keep the POS from going somewhere else for it... if they want it somewhere else,,, they're going to find a way no matter what.
> Why just give him extra icing on the cake for him to have and eat?
> 
> I'm not going to just start worshiping him, giving him all this attention, as if rewarding him for having an A, just to try to convince him to stay with me...... I think it just shows them a bad "positive" consequence.
> ...


I agree with YOU 100%
You don't feel the same way nor do you like them as much as a person for a while.
The few weeks I was too angry and bitter to be intimate was crushing to my wife.
It really made clear how damaging emailing and texting a "platonic friend"(unbeknownst to me)- was to our marriage. 
If it were business as usual in the bedroom, she probably wouldn't have realized how serious what she did was.
I wasn't once worried about her going elsewhere because we were not intimate at home. At that point I was fully prepared to end the marriage and she could see it in my eyes.
If all takes is a week or two of no intimacy to cheat, guess what..
The relationship is already toast.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

NumbinOhio you sound just like my husband. It's not something he can just forget about. It is hard to read this stuff, it is hard to hear and no you shouldn't reward your spouse after the betrayal but it would never work out if they are being punished for it daily either. It takes alot of repairing and work...yes I wish it would all be perfectly better but I caused this so I must deal with it the best I can.
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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Believe me I hate going through this,the details she has told me,what they said to eachother,the disscusions about me and the lies hurt like hell and its so hard to get through all that.I wish my life had a FF button sometimes.There has to be forgiveness also,thank God it didnt get to far but it went far enough.I see she is working on this R,actually all in,her actions prove it and it is hard to get over some of the doubt I have.Seems so ironic that I need comfort from her but if you cant forgive and start trusting some then whats the point.I am optimistic that this will work,we both know there wont be another chance at this.She know the hurt she caused and I am willing to trust enough that she will do her part to make us whole again
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds exactly like what my wife and I went through after her first PA. I could have bought a nice truck for the amount of money I spent on MC. It lasted us 18 years before another man caught my wife's eye. Then it was off to the races again. 

Calvin, if I can give you and CSS any advice it is that you must never become complacent with each other. Never. You need to spend the rest of your lives checking and verifying and treating your marriage like an open book.
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't right. You cannot let your marriage get to this point ever again.
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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I could have bought a nice truck for the amount of money I spent on MC.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kind of ironic you saying this, because just a couple weeks after I confronted H about his EA,,, he went out and bought me a new car............Said it wasn't a "guilt buy",,,,,,,,,,,,But??? 

Yet , says he won't go to counseling.......I'd of rather gone to counseling.........Going to find out about IC for myself, since he is not willing to go for "us".


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

wow how weird...buy you a new car? You can't buy love. Calvin and I have a long way to go. I agree that we need more counseling, have alot of work to do but if you can never trust your spouse then you have no business being married. Some day he will trust me..don't know when, time will tell..there are 2 choices Calvin can make..divorce me or work on our marriage together..It is his choice. Time will tell how things go. My mind is made up that I do not need any other man but I need Calvin to check my phone and everything else so that he doesn't think I'm doing anything I shouldn't be doing. I'd rather him check than wonder or worse accuse me of doing things I am not doing.
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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My husband tells me if there is going to be an odd number on phone bill, but he has his computer PW protected ( even though I know it without him knowing I do, I put up a camera to see him typing it in) And I had his FB password but he has since changed it again, so don't have it again. 

But I have a keylogger on his laptop (he doesn't know) and so I can see everything he does, which right now is mostly porn. 

I sent an email and am going to call tomorrow to set up initial consultation for a therapist for IC. I am going to ask him again if he would consider joining me at least for a couple of them, but he has already said he had went to a therapist years ago, and it didn't help him, so he won't go to another one. Guess we will see. He has a lot of holes in his "story" about his EA's and until he opens up to me , I don't feel like I can heal. 
I am glad you are able to be transparent and working to R. My H is not on this site and he does not know I post on here. He pretty much doesn't want to discuss any part of what he did wrong.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

wow sounds to me like your husband doesn't care if he's not willing to do counseling, even if it didn't work for him before a different counselor may be more helpful
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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Lot of men on tams seem to object to counseling,at one time I thought that was for the weak but we both have done 5 IC sessions each and 3 MC,before we R'd.So we will go for more in the near future with a different MC,the guy we had was great for our own issues but not very good at joint couseling.It helps,nothing to be afraid of if youre serious about your marriage and the one you love you'll do it.
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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

100% transparency and no contact with the OM or OW.
Perhaps marriage counseling.

You also have to be willing to forgive her. You won't forget what happened, though. But she needs to be sincere in her desire to continue with the marriage and you need to be sincere in your wish to forgive and move on in your life.

I think once the trust is gone, it takes a really long time for it to come back and it will never come back the way it was before the EA or PA.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A couple of times last year, my guy got snippy with me and I felt the reason for it each time was unfounded. So my first reaction was, could you be in contact again with your "ex". Interesting now, as the pattern that I see whenever I have brought her name up, he has offered me something, something in the material sense or other things like letting me see the text messages between them. (Something which I never thought I could ask for before finding this message board.)


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

If your spouce had any type of affair you have the right to full transparency,phone,FB,e-mail and anything else they use to communicate
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I feel on top of the world now with Calvin..finally! After 20 yrs of marriage..We go out on dates often, we enjoy eachother so much. Calvin has made some very positive changes and I think I have too. We both seem happier and more stressfree. I have made my husband my first priority and boy does it feel better..Yes it's still hard when he thinks of my EA and I support him as best as I can. Anyway just thought I'd update. Calvin is the best.
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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

CantSitStill has done all the right things to show how remorseful she is and has shown me how dedicated she is to us and our marriage.I.cant find the words to properaly express how much O love her,we still have work to do but everything is looking good.I'm not kidding when I say I'd give my life for her
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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Very happy you two are making the proper steps in your marriage. Keep up the good work.
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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Clinginess and constant remorse is the best indicator.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cantsitstill - I'm in your position - I had an EA - only difference is I'm a guy. Anyway. Don't be afraid to talk to Calvin, the more you talk to him the better it is for both of you. He gets to hear and feel where you are emotionally and better understand the how and why. Hopefully he will slowly get more comfortable with the whole thing as he hears the same answers and details from you - the story doesn't change - because you're being totally honest and transparent with him. It's good for you because as you talk to him about it, you get to see him slowly get more comfortable and can come to believe that he is forgiving you and that will hopefully give you permission to forgive yourself. 

If you don't talk to him about it and him to you about his feelings then you each start to wonder what the other is really feeling and the whole thing tends to go the wrong direction - lack of communication during reconciliation breeds more mistrust and resentment. 

I know this will sound weird, but I got to where I actually like to talk about my affair with my wife because I knew we were making progress when we did - and still do 18 months later. Let the shame go - at least where you husband is concerned - it is what it is - you can't change it and the shame only serves to make saving and improving your marriage more difficult.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you for the advice sigma..it's hard to talk about but if this is what he needs to heal then I'll do what I need to do.
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think of it like cleaning a wound. Yeah it hurts like a SOB cleaning it out but if you don't it will get all infected and only hurt worse later on. 

Another way to think about is this; all growth requires some pain. 

Best of luck to you.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Like I once told my counselor.."the truth hurts" then his reply was "but the truth will set you free"..I never told my counselor about the EO but now I have a feeling he suspected it all along and was waiting for me to admit it...You talk about the wound..my problem is I feel like every time the OM is brought up I feel like salt is being thrown on my wound yet I must always remember that if this is what will heal hubby's wound I must just answer him and think about how I can make him better.. I love Cavin soo much I just wish I would have realised it long ago.. We had alot od bad issues in our marriage prior to all this.. He owns his part and I ran to another man instead of working on us first..big mistake because now we are no longer in that horrible, miserable rut we were in..Yes now we are on a rollercoaster ride but now we are acknowleding and learning from our past behavior.. He is my first priority and I am his.
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

EO meant to say EA still learning the abbreviations lol
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I have a question for you all...in your eyes how do you define remorse? Like to me remorse means having no want or need to ever find happiness because of your own self hatred.. Like I should be sitting here holding my head down and feel I have no right to even lookb at my husband...umm I will not punish myself or let hubby punish me the rest of my life...don't get me wrong, I have yet to forgive myself and I do hate what I did but am not suicidal...please answer this for me because I'm not sure if I'm remorseful or not.
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

First remorse is understanding a wrong you have committed, taking ownership of it, accepting responsibility and accountability, and being genuinely sorry. It is not guilt and it is not self hatred. It's accepting what you did, learning from it, and never letting it happen again. 

Second, you need to talk to heal as much as Calvin needs you to. That wound you have will never heal until you air it out. At least that was my experience.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you, thank you thank you...then if this is true I have remorse and am moving in the right direction
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

uggg this is a rollercoaster..what have I done??? I mean I know what I've done..his moods go from so so good to out of nowhere not good. I'm trying my best...trying to encourage him..is it best to sometimes leave him alone in his thoughts?
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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

CSS I hate you have a roller-coaster: I do this to my H who had both EA then a PA. I am happy and have a positive outlook the snap I'm freaking out.

I have to say, I have gained lots of hope reading just this post between you, sigma, and hubby. I try to get into my H head and can't tell if there is remorse or not. He says there is. We go to our first MC together since the 3rd D-Day last August this coming Monday. He says the exact "salt in the wound" remark and that he is needing to forget it. Which I believe if the shoes were on the other foot I too would feel like that!?!? 

To answer the q as to leave him alone I say no. I need my H to hold me and re-assure me. When I'm triggering and having movies I start to let my mind go even further into the danger zone.
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> uggg this is a rollercoaster..what have I done??? I mean I know what I've done..his moods go from so so good to out of nowhere not good. I'm trying my best...trying to encourage him..is it best to sometimes leave him alone in his thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's triggering. Just hold on tight, be remorseful and tell him you love him. He'll come around.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Yep you're right, he's ok now..I must remember these triggers do pass..ty sometimes I feel so lost when I can't get him out of it for a while..Yes I know this is all my fault but one cannot help but want to fix it all
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Today I'm an emotional wreck. Thought..wondering..what if he changes his mind? Crying alot, it's crazy. I should be comforting him and now I feel paralized in fear. Hard to explain. When he gets doubts it makes me so uneasy..I have severe panic disorder and it's hard to calm down. I don't want to lose him. He is the only man I want and I'm trying so hard to convince him. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. Why am I worrying like this??
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's an emotional roller coaster as you know. You will have triggers just like Calvin, and they'll pass just like Calvin's. 

To me the best thing both of you can do is talk to the other when you trigger. You can help each other and the communication will hopefully serve as reassurance and help the triggers pass more quickly. 

As time progresses the peaks and valleys will both spread out and get less dramatic.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hard?you bet your @ss it is.No one is leaving anyone,commited to this,going to keep on plowing, never stop.Love can do some pretty amazing things.United we stand.United we never shall fall
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The triggers will come and go but eventually fade. Took me about four years to fully get over them on my first go 'round.

Now that it is happening all over again a second time, I might just have to put on my best suit, walk out in a field with my .45 auto and...

Just kidding.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Read my first post on here..wow I was defensive when everyone was just trying to help. I see how far I've come now from looking back. I was remorseful but was thinking this would be easier. The pain I put Calvin through is unexplainable. I feel it and will always feel it. But Calvin is one to NEVER give up on anything. Thank God he is the best ever 
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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Dark sense of humor,I like that Bandit.Really sorry man,Christ and I think I had some fvcked up [email protected] to go through.You took quite a few sucker punches,didnt seek revenge and pulled yourself together.Speaks volumes about what type of man you are Bandit. Hats off to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Calvin and CantSitStill together forever...nothing and no one will stop us
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Calvin and CantSitStill together forever...nothing and no one will stop us
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Embroider that on a flag and hang it in the living room.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

calvin said:


> Dark sense of humor,I like that Bandit.size=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


More like chronic smartassedness. 

It gets me in trouble alot: here on TAM, with my STBXW and in my everyday life. Its a character trait I'm not proud of.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> Read my first post on here..wow I was defensive when everyone was just trying to help. I see how far I've come now from looking back. I was remorseful but was thinking this would be easier. The pain I put Calvin through is unexplainable. I feel it and will always feel it. But Calvin is one to NEVER give up on anything. Thank God he is the best ever
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad you stuck around to see the light and that y'all are committed to each other.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> More like chronic smartassedness.
> 
> It gets me in trouble alot: here on TAM, with my STBXW and in my everyday life. Its a character trait I'm not proud of.


Hey don't dismiss it so easily. If there were more people who told it like it is this world wouldn't be so screwed up.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

That aint no sh!t
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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I know another way the WS can show they are serious,book a jacuzzi suite at a really nice hotel for the weekend...oh this is gonna be fun!
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ahh yes..a much needed, away from the kids, total luxury weekend....so excited to have alone time with you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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