# Threat of an Ex-husband: Real or perceived.



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'd like some takes from men only, or women trained in male psychology (professionals only).

I have a problem either real or imaginary at this point.

Essentially, I have been dating a woman for 3 years. She has 3 kids, 2 by this father. I don't know him from squat, never met him, other than a threat I got from him on Facebook when we first dated. He's Cuban in descent and I have no experience other than talking to Hispanic women at my place of work and they say men of this descent are the worst with violence. (I am sorry for the non-PC nature of that comment - they initiated the conversation and taked about Mexicans, Peruvian men, Puerto Rican men, etc, and their culture towards women).

What I fear is this guy reminds me of the profile of people who do the murder/suicide thing.

A. He abuses alcohol/is alcoholic.
B. He has no "raison d'etre" other than 1x/week parenting of his kids.
C. His mother enables him and supports him totally in a trailer.
D. He was arrested for domestic violence twice, so he is capable of violence against his family/women.
E. He quotes the Bible on stuff. I find "religious people" very much a violent threat. . .we all know other than Buddhists and Hindus, look to the whole world for evidence of that.
F. ADHD or Bi-polar (I confess I am not sure which)

In other words, a man who has lost everything, has nothing, and nothing to lose.

My gf and his sister are very close and I have thought about approaching his sister for perspective, but honestly, I find women are terrible at judging threats to the Pride. A Male Lion would have no problem gonig over and crushing his neck if he was a threat.

And honestly, if it was just me I had to worry about, I'd have no problem taknig the next step with engagement/marriage. But my own kids come first. I dont' want them to be collateral damage from a guy who gets a deranged bug up his butt.

Now, my gf said he never owned guns, that she woudln't allow it and he didn't seem intent on pursueing it, but we all know in the US how readily available they are, even in NJ.

I don't know. . .you know us men. . .we live in our own heads with this stuff b/c we are charged with family protection.

I don't know what would be a best approach to this - a Tony Soprano approach (as if I could anyway) or a Mother Theresa approach for this sad man.

Thoughts?

(and yes, the good women always seem to come with drama, dont' they?)


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What was the threat? How did you respond at the time


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Welcome back.

What kind of volatility towards you or your partner in the last 3 years?

Have you interacted with him at all?
*Just reread. Presuming you and GF don't live together. Has GF been instrumental in assuring you and he haven't ever interacted? No kids events, functions, birthdays? 3 years? That's downright bizarre.

I completely get the safety of the partner and children thing. I'm trying to understand if there is precedent in your case, (other than the DV priors) or if your concern is that this guy is on 'slow burn', or your concern is purely because he's Latino ... which holds the least water in my opinion.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

What state do you live in? What state does the father live in? He has 1x/week visitation right - supervised? Unsupervised?

What does the GF think about this? Honest dialogue would be good. Ditto the question on if your missing him entirely is by GF's design.

Depending on the state, your GF could have quite a bit of influence. It can be very easy to constitute a threat or even assault, so you really should have a honest but no-pressure conversation and see how she feels. I would imagine it would not be too difficult to put his visitation rights in jeopardy if he has a record.

If she deflects and says she is fine, but your gut doesn't buy it, come back here and let us know how that went down.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> I have a problem either real or imaginary at this point.
> ...
> 
> a man who has lost everything, has nothing, and nothing to lose.


Yes sir, when that man has committed the crime of threatening physical violence on FB, I'd remain wary at the very least, I don't care what ethnic origin but agree it increases the statistical likelihood. 

Like you, I just don't know what I'd do about it other than remain highly vigilant. And maybe carry.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

As hard and unpleasant as it sounds, maybe you should call him up, and tell him you want to try and square things up between the two of you. It might not work, but you never know.

Tell him you want the same thing as him for his kids, and want to make sure everything is smooth between the two of you for the kids sake. Would never try to act like their daddy, but you like them, and want them to be happy.

Don't beat around the bush, be concise and civil, but not groveling. Maybe avoid words like "problems", "drama", "trouble". 

Be honest. "We don't know each other, but I'd like to at least meet up so I can show you I'm trying to do right by your kids".

Then cross your fingers.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Has he done something recently to make you question this?

I ask because you have been dating her for three years now.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think you should really take a closer look at your girlfriend and think about what kind of person would even consider being with a guy like that.

I know people grow up and mature and all but that's really something you should think about before you go deeper into this relationship.

Also, think about the kids as they spend time with their father/learn from him.....how it's going to effect your/her life.

:scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Is this guy capable of violence? Obviously, "yes". He's been arrested at least twice for violence. He abuses alcohol. He has a pulse. He is capable of violence. Do you encounter numerous other people who are capable of violence every day? "Of course". 
Now, you may wish to consider a larger problem. For three years, you have been dating a woman who thought it was a great idea to marry and have two kids with this defective guy. 
If you persist in this relationship you are going to have occasional dealings with this man your entire life. Maybe she's worth that drama. 
My life has been threatened hundreds of times and I'm still here. Whether a threat comes from this turkey or someone else, it is going to come. At some point you are going to have to face violence. Rather than wonder who might offer violence, you might as well develop the mindset that you are going to have to defend yourself and your loved ones and come up with a plan to do so. I would worry less about those who post their BS on Facebook than those who won't give you any warning. 
Preparing is a productive use of time. Worrying is not. You can take self defense classes. You can obtain a firearm and become proficient with it. You might consider getting a dog. I have all the above. Just make up your mind that your family won't be harmed and neither will you permit yourself to be harmed. If someone comes to you for friendship, they get friendship but if they come seeking violence they'll get more than they ever dreamed of. 
It's not being paranoid. You have layers of protection from fire in your home, smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, a phone to call the fire department, some evacuation plan. Same thing goes for violent threats.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Has he done something recently to make you question this?
> 
> I ask because you have been dating her for three years now.


I guess I, too, am wondering why this is such an issue now? You say you've had no contact with him at all in 3 years. Sure, he's a scary dude with a history of violence against women. But I'm not at all sure that poking him with a stick by reaching out - in any way - is really a productive move. I would suggest continuing to basically ignore him unless or until he presents himself in some more immediate way. This really feels like you're trying to borrow trouble. 

As for whether or not you want to deal with a woman who made the obviously poor choice to marry and reproduce with a guy like this, only you are in a position to determine that. You describe her as a good woman. Has she really "come with drama" or are you creating more drama in your head than has actually materialized in the last three years? I say plan your life with her, or not, based on actual factors rather than imagined scenarios.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I thought OP was now concerned because he is thinking of getting engaged, and fears this may trigger a reaction from the ex-...


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

*Re: Re: Threat of an Ex-husband: Real or perceived.*



Scannerguard said:


> Thoughts?
> 
> (and yes, the good women always seem to come with drama, don't' they?)


First thought? No the good women don't come with drama. I highly doubt any good woman would have ever been involved with this guy in the first place.

Second thought. This is a situation and drama you don't need in your life. Take that advice or leave it. It's just how I see things. But to me, drama free was a huge criteria for a wife.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Some information seems missing. You've known all this for a long time right? Something change?

Regardless, the man sounds like a mess and you and gf should have as little interaction with him as possible. The best approach isn't Tony Soprano (which is stupid btw, dude clearly has issues with authority, self-control and flying off the handle), or Mother Teresa. Its Joe Friday: "Just the facts" of interactions required for the kids.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, if this is a preview of things to come then your going to have to put up with this crap and the question is. Do you want all this hassle in your life?

I got a feeling that this guy will be a thorn in your side so maybe you should re think your options. 

There's plenty of women out there with less problems and maybe you should consider finding one.

I just see a bad ending in the future.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

There aren't many threats that can't be properly managed w/ a CHL and a Kimber 1911 .45 cal.

Just sayin'.


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