# Just a vent



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You don't have to pay any attention to this post. I just need to vent. I just need to finally get a few things off my shoulders and afterwords, ask myself, yet again, "why?"

I had a hard night last night. I was at work and my co-worker asked me if we had a big wedding and if we got married before or after out daughter came. I told her we were engaged before, but got married after. I laughed and said no, we didn't have a big wedding, we got married at the little chapel down the road with a quick service. I told her it was so small that my dad didn't even bother coming. She asked me why. Didn't he like my husband? Why not? What'd he do? 

I kind of stuttered. I didn't expect so many questions. I haven't spoke about the "why" to anyone, and no one has ever asked. I just told her that my husband left me and the baby when she was 3 months old and my dad didn't trust him not to do it again, so he didn't support the wedding...though he is slowly learning to trust my husband more and more since my husband is supporting us.

However, this brought up some old wounds that haven't been healed over completely yet. There are things before and after the wedding that no one else but me and my husband know. For instance, now that I know what it is, I now know that my husband had an EA with the same OW that he later had the PA with just last September. The EA was in 2008. He had his shoulder surgery and I was nursing him back to health. I was doing everything for him. Bathing him, cooking for him, cleaning the house and laundry, doing chores and even helping him use the bathroom. I didn't know it at the time but during this he was contacting the OW on Myspace, telling her that he wanted her. We were living in GA at the time and she was in OH, so a PA was out of reach.

When I discovered this old email in his inbox a few months ago, I was shocked. My stomach hit the floor. This was before he had the PA with her. I didn't know what to do about it. The first time it ever came up, it was in a fight. How could he do that to me while I was doing everything for him?

We moved to Pennsylvania where my family lived to have our daughter. He never picked up a job bigger than mucking out stalls at a local farm even though I tried to explain to him that he needed something steadier. He seemed in denial that our daughter was there and that it was time to step up. The day finally came when she was 3 months old where he packed his bags and left us. We were constantly bickering and I guess he finally had enough and just took off. 

During this time, he started dating the 17 year old slag that he had been having the EA with earlier. 4 months later we got back together and he asked me to marry him again, and I said yes. We were married and 2 months later he slept with the OW. He's had no contact with her since then.

However, the pain and unsteadiness is still boiling under the surface. Everyone has their scars to bear but I'm so ashamed of mine. I'm ashamed and embarressed by my husband's actions. My family doesn't know the half of whats happened. I don't know why I keep it sercret. I think it may be my own denial of not wanting to admit that I'm married to "one of _those_ guys". I want our marriage to last so badly. 

When he had the PA, the only thing I could think of is "Its ok, I can fix this. Just give me a little bit more time, I can make it better. Don't give up, I'll make it better" I took on the responsibility and frantically retied all the broken rope. He's done his fair share of helping to repair the situation. He's agreed to transparency and he answers all my questions and he's doing everything right, but I can't seem to let go of the pain and heartbreak.

I love my husband. I don't know why. It hurts to know the things he's done, but it'd hurt even more to go without him by my side. I feel ashamed of my secrets and embarressed by his past actions. I sometimes wake up and wonder why I love him, and why I can't be without him, but how I can feel this way about someone I adore. I'm 10 years older than the OW. I'm still young, but I feel so old and unattractive. Not because he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful, because he does, but because of how his actions have made me feel in the past.

I guess this is just a vent. I went to bed feeling like crap last night just because someone asked me if I had a big wedding. It hurts knowing that I married without my father's blessing. It hurts knowing that he never showed up for it just because my husband left when the baby was 3 months old. If he knew the rest, he'd probably never talk to me again. I'd probably be the epitome of failure and weakness and shame to him. I want his support (not financially, mind you) and I feel the only way to get it is to report that everything is fine and dandy, even when I feel like crap. 

I never thought I'd be embaressed by what someone else has done. I don't embaress easily myself...so why would I be embaressed by what someone else had done? :scratchhead:

Anyways, sorry for the rant/vent. I just needed to get it off my chest...feeling down today and theres not much comfort to find anywhere else. Thanks for reading.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

We feel shame... who wants to admit to everyone they know that their SO is f*cking around? Who wants to admit that their marriage isn't picture perfect? 

We know that no one has the perfect life or the perfect marriage, but we want everyone to think that we do! It's hard to admit to anyone that something is this wrong.. and its fearful to hear that they might say we did something to make it this way. I told my mother and she told me to "suck it up, its a phase he will get over"

a phase? 

in that case.. is our marriage just a phase too? 

I know how hard it is, but you do really need support at this time. Reach out to someone, a friend, family member that you trust not to judge, anyone. I talk to my close friends about it, (they all tell me to leave the b*stard) .. which I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do yet. But it's nice to have someone to talk to, it makes the weight on your shoulders less burdensome. 

Look for a local womens support group. Try therapy. Try getting out there and doing anything that isn't focused on your H's issues. That is just time for YOU. Make some new friends. Build a support group for yourself.

I know its hard, any little thing can trigger us in to digging up not completely healed wounds. You really do need someone to talk to, and being here, I find, does help. Even if no one reads your post at least its out there and not stuck deep inside you waiting to fester.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jazz, I can relate to you in the feeling "embarassed and humiliated" sense. When I think of some of the things my ex did it makes me embarassed that 
1. I tolerated it and 
2. embarassed for him. 

So this is totally normal. Because I think it boils down to you KNOWING what he has done is wrong and it makes you on some subconscious level feel ashamed that you have put upt with it whereas you would totally tell someone in your shoes to get the heck out of dodge if someone did it to them. 

Your H had an affair with a 17 yr old? Omg. I can't imagine what you must have felt like. That is dirty, no matter how you slice it. 

One thing that was and still embarasses me is that I discovered my ex trolling for sex on dating sites looking for "intimate encounters." I have never shared that with anyone who knew our marriage. We were not even married for a yr when this happened. I felt gutted and like less of a woman, inadequate, hurt, betrayed and sad. The fact that he tried to play it off like it meant nothing and it was a "joke" made it even worse. Our sex life *I thought* was good and adventerous. Looking back now I know the issue was with him, not me. He made an active choice to do that. It had nothing to do with me. Hindsight is a motherf-cker. Looking back, I should have broken it off then. Because we wouldn't have had to deal with what later came: cheating on both sides and a very acrimonious divorce. I should have just left.

Your feeling bad that your dad didn't give his blessing is also normal. Your dad has always been there for you and stood by you so to know this person who's played a major role in your life iddn't approve probably further makes all of this feel worse. It is natural for you to feel the way you do.

Know though, that you are not alone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

17? You sure? 16? in some states sex between a 16 yo and a male 24 or older is specifically a felony even where the age of consent is 16. I know, it's weird. So it's a grey area but in either case your hub was banging a near-child.

He's not a good man.


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## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

i feel the same. Im embarrassed of myself. He cheated on me and got chlamydia. idk how many women hes been with. i wish i cud jus walk away sometimes. i love him but i always find myself wondering why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ You can walk away. You just choose not to. 

That may sound harsh but it's true. We all put up with things because we *want* too. Sucks, don't it? But it's true.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

She was 17 when they dated during our 4 month separation (and its not a crime in this state if the minor is 17, consents and the parents approve, which they did...believe me, I looked it all up and after they broke up she tried to press charges for it out of spite and it never passed). She was 18 when he had the PA affair with her.

This has really devistated the way I look at teenagers now. I can't stand them. I'm jealous and hateful towards them and I envoy their bodies, even though they're nowhere near having the body of a full grown woman.

Believe me, Runs, I know he was nailing a child. It digs at me everyday and I want to cry, run into a hole and never come out. The embaressment is horrible. I stand confused on a lot of things. I asked him how he would feel if our daughter was 17 and was having sex with a 24 year old. He just shrugged, though now that she's a bit older (only 2 though), he's beginning to change his mind on a lot of things he would have previously thought "no big deal". 

I haven't told anybody. I did tell a friend of mine who lives out of state when it happened, and the only thing she said to me were "Divorce, child support". Thats not very helpful to me. I can't file for divorce 2 months after I'm married. I can't give up without trying. I seriously love my husband with all my heart. I feel he loves me...I don't know how much anymore though. I'm constantly insecure and wondering when and if I'll have to make the decision to pull the plug. 

I love him. I don't think I can leave him. But sometimes the things that he's done make me wonder why I CAN'T leave him. Why is it so hard to just walk away? Why is it so hard to throw in the towel? Why can't I just mail this one in as "failure, try again"? It would have meant the world to me if my father was there for the wedding, but because he wasn't, it makes me want to work harder to make this marriage work and last.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Don't sit here like me.. the longer you put up with it the harder it is to leave. I've been dealing with H's sh*t for 10 years or better, we've been married for 15.. one more day is another day gone and wasted to what possibly could be a wayyyy better future.

I type that.. and wish I could take my own advice.. I know how ya feel hun


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You have only been married two months and he slept with a teenager?????

RUN.



JazzTango2Step said:


> I don't think I can leave him.


You can leave him. You are just choosing not to.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I don't think we're ready for that step yet.

As of right now, he's been doing everything right. The last couple months he's really stuck to his guns about showing me how much I'm loved and how much I could trust him. He's very open about everything and doesn't mind me checking all of his online and phone things. He asks my permission to go somewhere (more like my opinion) and if I dislike the idea, he doesn't do it. 

I do think that he's learning and dedicating himself more and more to his family, so I'm not ready to pull the plug. He's helping me build and rebuild the things that were torn down...so as long as he helps and is supoortive, I think I'm going to continue to work with him.

I made it perfectly clear to him though (in case he was "confused" earlier) that if it would ever happen again, I'd be gone. I don't care if it happened now and I discovered it 10 years down the line...I'd be gone. He seems to understand and is working at things...so I'm reluctant to leave just yet.

He's trying his best to make me feel right again, but I sometimes get so down and swamped with the "what was" that its sometimes hard to focus on "what is".


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I understand the being embarassed thing, I myself was unfaithful, my husband unfaithful before me. I was horribly ashamed of what I did, I was ashamed of what he/we did. When I got to the point where I confessed to my sister, mother, and good friend B, it got easier, it was wonderful to have support. I have come forward to a few others since then and you really know who your true friends are. My husband right now is what I believe is still the fog, my head is clear, and I know what needs to happen for me, I am taking baby steps, moving slowly, I know I can't push him or make him do anything. I get the love thing, I love that man like you wouldn't believe. I know I should leave, he has the right for that as well, I just can't, I love him. I hope you can get through this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Para, how did your family react when you told them? You can PM me if ya want


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ohhh i didn't see this until now, my family was very supportive, my father cheated on my mother twice, so she's been quite helpful, my sister very protective, brother and dad don't want to know all gory details. My friends that I have told have been amazing.


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