# Journal



## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

So since the discovery of husband's EA a few months ago. I decided to keep a secret diary to help me say things or express feelings that may not be helpful toward healing our relationship. It's just an app I put on phone. Well from my original post, husband has been questioning me, etc as if I was the one who broke the trust past few weeks and it has been very frustrating because I wonder if he isn't talking to OW again. He never wants to talk about affair though, gets upset and defensive if I bring it up and tells me we should just move forward, which I want to do, but I also want to heal myself (why I was keeping journal). I have no way of knowing if he is talking to her again as l didn't know the first time because he did all his communication at work with a an email acct he had created and his phone calls were also at work. So I really can't trace computer at work, and at home he never goes on computer. If it wasn't for the OW getting mad at him because he stopped talking to her and emailing me, I never would have known. Anyways, yesterday husband was being overly sweet and overly complimentary and was asking things like "Do I know he loves me?" and while I enjoyed the tenderness it just seemed off to me, due to the questions ... Today we had went to an appt and I had inquired about a quitting smoking plan for him and when the lady walked away, he said "Why do you care, you are just planning on walking out on me anyways." I still didn't understand why he said that, because I didn't say that to him and after much prodding, he admitted that while I was in the shower yesterday he read my journal. (He was able to put in correct 3 no. code to open it) My initial reaction was shock but I am a little annoyed. It was my outlet for my feelings, since he never wants to talk about it. Of course now I will not be using the journal because now I'll be subconsciously censoring it. Yes in my journal I said I thought about divorce out of hurt and anger, but I also said I cared too much for our family and him and wanted to begin making new memories since our relationship won't ever be the like it was. Mostly just would dump all my anger and pain into the journal but felt like this should be for me since he doesn't want to talk about details, etc. So I don't know if he read my journal because he is worried/scared about how I feel and what our plans are or if this is another red flag that I'm missing.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I see this as good and bad. I understand your anger and feeling violated because he read your journal. On the other hand, the more open and honest the communication between the two of you right now the better your chances of successfully reconciling. So I guess I would say make the most of it and try to use it as an impetus to get him to talk about it. Try explaining to him that you need to talk about it, not to punish him by dragging him through his shame over and over, but for you to process it and heal. If he's more comfortable doing it via letters - i.e. your journal - then do it that way, but you've got to get the dialog open for both your well being.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The only other thing I would add is that a reluctance to talk by the wayward is, IMO, a sign that they still have not taken full ownership and accountability of what they did. It can be difficult to get someone to do this, but it mandatory for full reconciliation.


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