# wife is in the military history of infidelity



## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

I posted here a few months earlier about how my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago. She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks. so my issue now is that she has currently gone overseas again for the next three weeks and I'm not really sure how to handle this l. because everytime we talk it immediately feels like the exact same as when she cheated on her last depmotnent. and of note this is her first deployment since she cheated. She says its different now and that nothing will happen but it is impossible not to think about it. I dont want to bring it up but I just feel the trust is still not there yet.

thanks for the help


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You're nowhere near stable enough yet for her to be deployed again.

Did you inform her friend's husband of his wife's similar transgression? If yes, okay then. If you didn't then you should be ashamed of yourself.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Tell her that you will be setting up a polygraph for her upon her return!

She lost your trust so she has no right to complain


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

davidpete1517 said:


> I posted here a few months earlier about how my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago. She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks. so my issue now is that she has currently gone overseas again for the next three weeks and I'm not really sure how to handle this l. because everytime we talk it immediately feels like the exact same as when she cheated on her last depmotnent. and of note this is her first deployment since she cheated. She says its different now and that nothing will happen but it is impossible not to think about it. I dont want to bring it up but I just feel the trust is still not there yet.
> 
> thanks for the help


I read your prior posts. Did you do any of the suggested things--polygraph, contact other man, other couple, etc. Did you learn how long the actual affair was going on--not just twice? She only told you four months ago because she was caught. Has she been in contact with OM over this time? What work have y'all done to reconnect. This is fresh for you. Don't let her gaslight.

Just what does she say is different now? Has she had a character transplant? Does she want you to fool around while she is gone? Trust or lack thereof is going to be a long-time issue as deployments will continue. Has she done anything to SHOW REMORSE. 

Infidelity is rampant in the military--there is an 'it's not cheating--I need this mindset'. That is just an excuse. There are also MANY who have the boundaries and character not to cheat.

I am no help at all to you, but I do feel your pain. When she gets home, y'all need to do massive clean-up on this. Obviously, you really don't know if she will be faithful or not or what will happen over years to come.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Well DavidPete, 
I sure don't know what you can do other than "trust" her and white knuckle it until she returns. No matter what she is doing you will get that same thing from her in your discussion...that all is well and she misses you and the kid.
So use the 3 weeks to enjoy (or try out) the single dad life. Do stuff with you kid have fun - don't waste the time getting all tied up in knots when there is pretty much nothing you can do. Deal with it on her return.

This being the first deployment since you found out she cheated, it's whole new fresh experience.
Of course she says nothing will happen and probably is right but that doesn't mean you trust her, after she lied for 5 years after her affair. For a 3 week deployment she I hope that she would be able to not get drunk and bang anyone. Are you sure that she has been faithful at home? DNA the kid?

You have every right to bring it up because that's what couples do, they talk about what is on their mind.

Hang in there / here. She will be back soon.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Oh DavidPete, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. But, to your question: Deployed females are notorious for cheating. There you have it! Deployed females resemble women who travel for work in that they cheat way more than by pure chance alone.
My advice, and I hope you take it, is to see a lawyer first thing, and file on her. You don't have to complete, just file. Then take appropriate action with respect to military matters regarding the OM(or men).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

davidpete1517 said:


> I posted here a few months earlier about how my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago. She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks. so my issue now is that she has currently gone overseas again for the next three weeks and I'm not really sure how to handle this l. because everytime we talk it immediately feels like the exact same as when she cheated on her last depmotnent. and of note this is her first deployment since she cheated. She says its different now and that nothing will happen but it is impossible not to think about it. I dont want to bring it up but I just feel the trust is still not there yet.
> 
> thanks for the help


You got the best advice back then. 

Divorce your cheating wife. 

She will cheat on you this deployment just like the last one. 

It wasn’t a oops. She did him then did him again. More then likely she did him the entire deployment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is not unusual. I spent just shy of forty years in the military. 

Seventy percent of the younger women cheat, maybe thirty percent of those over forty. 

Almost always with a member of their unit; rarely a stranger.

It is a sad fact of life, especially on longer deployments.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

davidpete1517 said:


> I posted here a few months earlier about how my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago. She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks. so my issue now is that she has currently gone overseas again for the next three weeks and I'm not really sure how to handle this l. because everytime we talk it immediately feels like the exact same as when she cheated on her last depmotnent. and of note this is her first deployment since she cheated. She says its different now and that nothing will happen but it is impossible not to think about it. I dont want to bring it up but I just feel the trust is still not there yet.
> 
> thanks for the help


You only found out 4 months ago? How? did she finally confess?

Any kids? How long married? Is the other guy going to be deployed also?

You have barely had time to process what you have learned. Once an affair is exposed, even a "trust but verify" attitude comes slowly. You are still in the shocked stage. I would find it hard to trust her - even a little. But there is nothing you can do about it at the moment.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

davidpete1517 said:


> I posted here a few months earlier about how my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago. She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks. so my issue now is that she has currently gone overseas again for the next three weeks and I'm not really sure how to handle this l. because everytime we talk it immediately feels like the exact same as when she cheated on her last depmotnent. and of note this is her first deployment since she cheated. She says its different now and that nothing will happen but it is impossible not to think about it. I dont want to bring it up but I just feel the trust is still not there yet.
> 
> thanks for the help


She's lying.

Divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She'll hide it better now so you probably won't find out.

Ignorance is bliss.

If you are gonna stay with a serial cheater you have to learn not to ask questions or dig. It's easier to stay in denial that way.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you find yourself here. Given that she is away its going to be harder to keep tabs on her. Does she have a laptop with her? Carry a phone? If so have Webwatcher installed.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

OP, if you continued your last thread from May you would receive clearer, more focused advice. Consider asking the mods to merge the 2 threads. Plus perhaps fill in the blanks on what has happened since.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As a woman who was in the military, I can also say that cheating is rampant. It is higher among women, mainly because there are fewer women so they have more opportunity to cheat. 

If the men had as many opportunities they'd do it just as much if not more.

There's a kind of "what happens on deployment doesn't count" mentality.

They can't refuse to deploy and they can't just quit, so you can either trust them or you can't. 

My ex was career military and even though he was a ********* he was not a cheat.....I never worried about his deployments.

You can't trust her.

That's it.

Accept that she cheats or file for divorce. 

Sorry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly after two times cheating that you know of, how many more times is enough......btw you should at least get a hall pass.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

When you get more pain from being with your spouse then you do joy it's time to rethink your marriage.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sad to say that infidelity in the service is fairly common. I lost my ex fiancée and then a new girlfriend to cheating when I was in the Army. The wives with husbands overseas dated a lot of guys. With few women on an Army base filled with lots of horny men, an average looking woman can get a hot guy. There is also a lot of flirting going on with all the guys around. 

To be fair there is also a lot of stress on the women both in the service or not. Long separations from loved ones, working closely with others who you know want sex with you, can be difficult. I knew a few men who had arrangements where each spouse could have sex with anyone when separated. In fact, if you look at the history of swinging, it was started by Air Force pilots in WWII whose life expectancy was not very good. It was a way to get the wives and men back home to bond so that if a pilot did not make it back, the wife had a support system and other who loved her.

Due to my experiences and a roommate who had sex with wives whose husbands were in Vietnam so easily, I ended up in a non monogamous marriage. You cannot have cheating when you are allowed to have sex with anyone you want. Funny thing is that we both tried someone else once and both hated it Instead we played with couples and single women together. We shared and it worked for us for 46 years.

From all I have read on the subject, the chance of working through cheating depends on whether the cheater takes full responsibility for their actions. In other words if they use excuses like being lonely or you do not give then enough attention or try to place some of the blame on you, then you have little chance of surviving since you have a partner who will deal with their problems by cheating. You can also do was we do and be realistic and open up the relationship. It all depends if you can live with always being suspicious and not knowing if what you are told is the truth or not. I could not trust someone who proved they were untrustworthy. I could not believe someone who proved to be a liar. Although I am non monogamous, I do believe that if you are monogamous, cheating is not to be tolerated. However it is up to you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

DavidPete, are you familiar with the Gen. Petreus affair? He had a female colonel banging him, and she had a physician husband. Affairs are common even among commissioned ranks. Sorry! Your WW may be the unit pump.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

This is already over. I don't know why you are looking for advice. 

First mistake, why did you marry someone in the military?
Second, once she cheated on your you should have divorced her. 

I have no idea why you are trying to stay in this ESPECIALLY since she is still involved in the same behavior.....deployed overseas with nothing but men. 

Keep beating your head against this wall.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

As someone who spent 20+ yrs in the military, I have seen many situations like yours. 

The good news is the cheating ladies almost always go back to their happy lives and husbands when the deployment is over. The cheating husbands usually want to file for divorce and move in with their AP upon return.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> Oh DavidPete, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. But, to your question: Deployed *people* are notorious for cheating. There you have it! Deployed *people* resemble *people* who travel for work in that they cheat way more than by pure chance alone.
> My advice, and I hope you take it, is to see a lawyer first thing, and file on her. You don't have to complete, just file. Then take appropriate action with respect to military matters regarding the OM(or men).


Fixed that for ya!

OP, your wife seems to have a lifestyle of cheating while in a vocation that enables it. I do not foresee her changing without radical changes to her life and habits - something I doubt she is motivated to do.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Thing is, once she crossed the cheating line it gets a whole lot easier. You would be wise to divorce her.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm including info below from previous first post because I think is relevant.

Both are military. They were living together and were to get engaged--she had ring. While on deployment, she had EA and then PA of undetermined (TT) length. (He had warned about possibilities, but I'm thinking she was already too far gone.) They have been married 5 years and have a daughter. He found out about EA/PA four months ago--before her most recent deployment. She minimized, rug-swept. There is no talk of measures taken to work on this. Carry on:



* im just looking for advice both me and my wife are currently in the military. she was deployed to aghanistan for 4 month 5 years ago. At this point we had been dating for 7 months and just moved into together the relationship was going great. when she arrived in afghanistan the only guys she could find her to talk to were force protection or generaly infantry f your not familiar . anywa her female friend from the base she worked at back home {iknew her friend as well} and her started working out with the these two force protection guys. she always told me it was becaus it was only because they were all a similiar age.anyway as the tour progresses she keeps telling me how she enjoy wokring out with these two guys. At this pint i let her know to be careful for in an extreme envirnment things can happen you dont intend. so at the end of the tour they are getting ready to head to cyprus for 3 days at a resort to decompress, I tell her alot of bad stuff happens when everyone suddenly is able to drink all they want and dont make any stupid decisions. wel over the course of the next few days i barel hear a word from but i do ask her if she did anything stupid she said no she loves me. so she rrives home three days later the first month back is good .life is back to normal. but thn after reading an email at works she starts crying and said she hd been caught kissing the guy she had been workoing out with and hanging out with in afghanistan. i got mad but said we would get through. i proposed 1.5 mnths later on new years. fast forward 5 years and one baby daughter later. after asking some questions she finally admits what happened in cyprus . she went out with everyone started drnking then flirting with that guy thy eventually snuck back to her room and had sex . then she woke up the next day and went drinking that and night and ended up sleeping with him again. Also she had picked out her engagement ring in afganaistan and it was in her luggage in her room. so after finidng this all out i just dont know what do ever since she came back i have not doubted her faiftfulnes over the last 5 years. She states it was the environment of being overeas in a compound for 3.5 months. our relationship was strong before and on deployement i thought it was strong throughout we discussed getting married . I just dont know what to think now i know it was 5 years ago but i cant shake the thoughts right now. I remeber giving her alot of warning about the leave in cyprus im military as well i said people make stupid decisions be smart. just dont really know what to do loking for advice

*


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

davidpete1517 said:


> I posted here a few months earlier about how my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to Afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago. She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks. so my issue now is that she has currently gone overseas again for the next three weeks and I'm not really sure how to handle this l. because every time we talk it immediately feels like the exact same as when she cheated on her last deployment. and of note this is her first deployment since she cheated. *She says its different now and that nothing will happen* but it is impossible not to think about it. I don't want to bring it up but *I just feel the trust is still not there yet*.
> 
> thanks for the help



@davidpete1517, 

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of "divorce her now" because there have been plenty of voices offering that option, and let's be honest...it really is one choice of many you could make. 

Instead I'm going to focus on the two things I bolded up above: "She says its different now and that nothing will happen" and "I just feel the trust is still not there yet."

Let's start with "She says its different now and that nothing will happen" ... @davidpete1517, she SAID she was being faithful to you while she was deployed. She SAID she was being honest. She SAID she was telling the truth. She SAID a lot of things that later turned out to be a lie...so what she SAYS is not how to measure this. People can puff hot air across their vocal chords any day and say any word whatsoever, so words (while "nice") are NOT reliable. ACTIONS are reliable. What ACTIONS has she taken to make this deployment "different" (as in "NOT THE SAME AS BEFORE")? What ACTIONS has she taken to police herself so that "nothing happens"? What things has SHE changed about HERSELF? What things has she done differently? If it is so different now...what steps has she taken, what movement has been made, what work was done to be NOT THE SAME WOMAN who committed adultery? 

If you look at her actions only--not her words--and you see changes she has imposed upon herself without you having to monitor her, and you see her working on herself and her own issues as to why she would be tempted by this AND ACT ON IT, and if you see her living differently and thinking differently...then there may actually BE a difference. But if you look at her actions only, and you don't see her enforcing any changes upon herself, and you see her resenting the changes you ask for in order to be reassured, and you see her resisting working on herself and her own weaknesses, and you see her living and thinking the same way she did ... then there is a very likely chance she will be THE SAME because she hasn't really changed. 

Next, let's talk about "I just feel the trust is still not there yet." I'm curious--what has she done to earn the trust back? Specifically...of her own accord what actions has she taken to hold herself personally responsible for the choices she made, to slowly build the trust brick-by-brick, and to act in a manner worthy of trust? Here's why I ask: by being unfaithful, she ACTED in a way that was not only NOT worthy of trust, but was distinctly DESTRUCTIVE of trust! What trust had previously been there was destroyed! So if she wants to be trusted, she has to act in a way that demonstrates trust WORTHINESS.

Now some people do say that the only way to trust is to trust, and there is some truth to that. I mean ... either you do trust someone or you don't, and if you decide to trust someone you step 100% on there and trust. But I think reaching that point of choosing to trust someone comes after there has been some time of them proving by their actions they are worthy of trust. You might be a person who is "a trusting soul" and you start off trusting a person until they give you reason to not trust them...but in real life she has given you reason to not trust her. So think of it like a brick wall. You maybe started off with a nice brick wall and maybe she built the wall one brick at a time, but there it was--nice and tall and solid. That wall was a symbol for strong, solid trust. Well, committing adultery doesn't just push the wall over...it drops a bomb on the wall and you can't even find pieces of the bricks left! To rebuild, she has to start all over from scratch and start making bricks even! 

Sooo...just ask yourself, do you feel the trust isn't there yet because of some "lack of trust" flaw in you, or could it be that the reason you don't feel the trust is because ACTIONS have not been done to demonstrate trust worthiness...ACTIONS have not been done to rebuild the trust that was destroyed?

You are there--we are not. Only you can answer these questions, but I think if you are honest with yourself, you'll see why it feels so shaky to have her deployed. I get it--she has no control over when or where she's deployed, and being apart...being in high stress situations can lead to detachment. I do get that. Yet efforts CAN be made to stay connected and efforts CAN be made to reassure. Are those efforts being made? Are they being done without you having to nag or beg? 

My thoughts are with you, brother.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I'd like to know more about THIS deployment....

Is it a simple TDY for training that she just "had to have"?

Or is this more of an attrition through numbers game that your unit is stuck in?

Did she WANT to go on this deployment? What was said before she left? Did she give you ANY signal that she wants you to feel safe?

Or is this a giant rug sweep. And you are just to go along to get along...Your feelings be damned? (I am leaning on this one, as you posted earlier)

What if you divorced and just co-habitat-ed for the kids sake? Take the fidelity and vows out of the equation. Let her know that she lost that part...Then work as a psuedo couple if you want. OR You can start looking elsewhere for true fidelity.....


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

It is the uncertainty that drives you crazy.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

DavidPete, surprise! Cheater lie. Do you understand that? Your WW is an inveterate liar and will pull the wool over your eyes again (and probably laugh about it as well). I once knew a guy who was married to a reserve major who cheated while deployed several times. Long story short, he finally divorced her after sixteen years of pain. You like pain? If so, continue with your WW.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Don't be surprised if you get some funny looks at the unit homecoming ceremony, because some guys may have tasted your W.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

davidpete, it seems, right now, and for the recent past, that your wife has much more power in your relationship than you.

You know what happened because your wife told you about it. It wasn't a "clean" confession, it included a healthy dose of dragging it out to get to get there.

She cheated, kept it a secret, then married you. The cheating benefitted her. It was fun, sex feels good. She was there two nights, she had sex with him two nights. According to her, which probably is tame compared to the truth.

The secrecy benefitted her, too. She wanted to marry you, she knew if she told the truth you would not do it.

Even when she confessed, she lied about it.

I see zero honesty. Only if it benefits her. Maybe you know her better, but any truth she gives you is for her benefit. As her lies. She felt guilty, so she unloaded on you. Not because she thought it was the right thing to do. My opinion. I am looking at all her actions, and trying to see what her motivations are. I don't see much in a "do the right thing" vein there. I think if she's nice to you, it's because she gets something in return. I don't see a woman who will sacrifice FOR YOU, unless she gets something out of it, too.

As far as I can tell, the way she decided to fix this about herself, was to tell you that you have to deal. Your problem, not hers.

She blamed it on circumstance. She felt a certain way, so she did it. You warned her, she ignored it.

What kind of advice are you looking for?

She has to keep her pants on. You can't do it for her.

Davidpete, you can only control yourself. What are YOU going to do? What CAN you do?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Would not tell her but I would set up a poly for her when she gets home. Further, she would have to take a poly every time she comes home from a deployment. This is assuming I would not have divorced her already. She has already proved she isn’t capable of being in a long distance relationship. Few people are from what I have experienced.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Would not tell her but I would set up a poly for her when she gets home. Further, she would have to take a poly every time she comes home from a deployment. This is assuming I would not have divorced her already. She has already proved she isn’t capable of being in a long distance relationship. Few people are from what I have experienced.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

DavidPete, are you still here? I think a lot of us are sorry to bear bad tidings, but the outcome for you isn't good.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

davidpete1517 said:


> I posted here a few months earlier about how *my wife cheated on 4 years earlier while she was deployed to Afghanistan and I found out 4 months ago.* She slept with a person who she had been working with while they were on leave before they headed back 2 nights in a row after some drinks.


BTW, chances are that deployed affair was not her first rodeo. The "first" lie in cheating... "I've never done anything like this before!". :crying:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She cheated 4 years ago while unmarried but in a committed relationship with OP. He was told the truth only 4 months ago after marriage and a child.

Of course he is still in shock and still processing everything. For her, it is ancient history, for him it is still entirely recent. Emotions and mind movies are still in high gear.

Her excuse is that thing are different now and she would never do it again. Has she changed her entitled attitude? Who know?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

This scenario has been played so many times, it's sickening. I hope he has enough sense to get rid of her. She can be somebody else's problem.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Give her a polygraph the day she gets back....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Give her a polygraph the day she gets back....


Why would she take it? I mean if you are going to give her an ultimatum the moment she gets back I is probably going to just cause conflict. I suggest OP tell her he can't live under these circumstances, he has lost his faith in her because of her affair and he is not sure they can survive. It's just too painful to have her go away on her career and since she is in the military she can't just leave. Maybe then the discussion of polygraphs can come up.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

OP needs to understand exactly what he is prepared to do about this before she returns.

Is he ready to cut the relationship? If he isn't polygraph and ultimatums are not wise.

I've seen this story before with military spouses. It usually contains further lying and cheating and an eventual painful breakup.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Well, DP, it's been several days since your post. How are things going now? She's taking off again for another deployment, but, hey, everything is different now, right?! I'm not sure your union is going to survive this separation. You'll *ALWAYS* be wondering what she's up to and who is she giving in to. Here's luck to you, buddy. When I was deployed to Vietnam, my wife's ex boyfriend, who was going to the same college, came sniffing around trying to get her to start up again. She swore nothing came of it, yet other people apparently saw them together. Did she or didn't she? I'll never know. Oh, and we divorced years ago.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Whenever she's away, she always plays. Of course she's going to cheat on you. Why? Because she's always gotten away with it so there's no motivation for her to change.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Doesn't sound like the OP wanted to hear the truth instead he wants to live in a pretend bubble of reality. Good Luck


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I don't think DavidPete is here anymore. I'm really sorry for him.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lostinthought wrote, *Doesn't sound like the OP wanted to hear the truth instead he wants to live in a pretend bubble of reality. Good Luck *

His WW is thousands of miles away and he is relatively powerless to do much of anything about it in the meanwhile he has to take care of his kids. I think, and hope, he will do something when his WW gets home.

Without proof of a current affair it would be difficult to even go to the Inspector General and I don't believe they would consider investigating the prior affair. 

I've felt the frustration he is feeling when my W was with OM1 and I didn't have the advantage of knowing what to do that I've gained from these kinds of websites. I just swallowed the grenade and smiled.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Doesn't sound like the OP wanted to hear the truth instead he wants to live in a pretend bubble of reality. Good Luck


The OP is a hurting, betrayed spouse, who came here for help. He is not a performing dog who is here jump through hoops for our entertainment.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The OP is a hurting, betrayed spouse, who came here for help. He is not a performing dog who is here jump through hoops for our entertainment.


Fair enough Matt, but he did request advice and then when we take the time to respond he runs away...so what are we suppose to conclude....if the OP wants to disagree with our post then by all means let's discuss but inside he runs away. So again what do we conclude?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Fair enough Matt, but he did request advice and then when we take the time to respond he runs away...so what are we suppose to conclude....if the OP wants to disagree with our post then by all means let's discuss but inside he runs away. So again what do we conclude?


That he got the information he needed and is now trying to make sense of it all?


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

hey guys sorry for the big delay my job became hectic , I'm a medic. but ya I mean everyone has there own opinion my best bud said that if someone did that to him he would never be able to see them again and i understand that. But I also know humans are very flawed creatures if I wa put in a situation where I could cheat and was guaranteed I wouldnt get caught I honestly dont know if I would say no. I think we all like to think the best and project the best of ourselves but man **** happens. I still dont know fully what i am going to do but I gained alot of insight from your posts, obviously our personal experiences will shape our perceptions and that's fine. I won't stick my head in the sand but I also won't just walk out. for some sexual infidelity is the end all be all for others not. I always think of a favorite song of mine that has a line." If it weren't for second chances we all would be alone" .obviously some infractions are larger then others but the larger idea I think is a good one. Thanks again


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sometimes it is not the act of sex that is the dealbreaker. It is the lies to deny the betrayed person the truth that would allow them to make an informed decision. In your case, your marriage was based, at least in part, on her hiding the truth from you.


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

ya it's exactly that . it's the hiding and lying that all things being said does the most damage. it's not having the courage to stand up admit what you did and face the consequences even though your scared as ****...


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

also have to add in here cause I saw it somewhere and agreeing. deploying females is the stupid **** ever ,but nothing not evades the current political correct world we live in. "let's send a bunch of grunts into a warzone and hey for ****s and giggles we will throw one women in there with them"


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

David this is after all your life not ours and everyone is different in their approach...but when she gets back are you intending to polygraph her? trust but verify


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The most telling thing about the first deployment is not that she got drunk and slept with another. It is the fact that she repeated that performance the next night.

Kinda like "the cow is already out of the barn, no use to close the door now. I'm up for round two. Dave will never find out."

She only admitted the truth a few months ago. Now she is in the same situation 4 years latter. 

Definitely poly when she gets home. You might even find out that you still do not know the whole truth about the first deployment.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

David,

Is she still with the same group of people or with people who know what went on previously?

Was the OM properly exposed?

Did you DNA your children.

Tamat


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

davidpete1517 said:


> ya it's exactly that . it's the hiding and lying that all things being said does the most damage. it's not having the courage to stand up admit what you did and face the consequences even though your scared as ****...


_Okay, I have read both of your posts. Nowhere do I see what actions you have taken. Have you taken any of the advice given in either post so far?_

Lets recap:

1. *Has she written a timeline* of the affair that will be authenticated by polygraph? If not, why not? What is the start of this about getting caught kissing. Was she about to be exposed to you and decided to try to tell you herself? I'm not clear on this.

2. *Have you contacted a lawyer* to find out your rights? If not, why not?

3. *Have you both been STD tested?* If not why not? Some of these things don't show up for years. It sets a tone. *You need to let her know you are not playing games here*.

4. *Has she written you a letter of apology* stating why you should continue in the marriage? If not, why not?

5. *Have you DNA tested your child?* I don't care whether he is your spitting image, *it sets a tone!* She should be scared to death of losing you, begging, & snot nosed crying. _While she is gone would be a good time to do this._ If not, why not?

6. *Look into IC for yourself.* Forget marriage counseling! You seem to need help with co-dependency. 

7. Have you looked into the *"180" Technique* and implemented it? If no, why not?

8. There has been a lot of talk about her being a coward. *How about yourself?* If you are not doing these things, why not? Are you afraid? She is the one who should be afraid of becoming a single mother. Put the fear of God in her! 

9. Have you *exposed the affair* to family. Have you exposed to the toxic friend's husband? If not, why not?

10. *She should be the one worried* that you partake of a revenge affair on her while she is on deployment. If not, why not? 

11. The only people who come out of these things show *Strength, Courage, & Decisive Action*. Do this for your child if nothing else. Thank you for your service, but you have to take action to save this. Otherwise, your doubts will tear your family apart. "YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOSE YOUR MARRIAGE TO SAVE IT."


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DavidPete,

Just don't wait another 4 years for another confession, that's alot of life gone by.

Although for almost 100% of your marriage she has been lying to you, and you likely only have 25% truth even now.

Tamat


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Hey buddy why don’t you keep posting and responding to people‘s post. I see that your online here. Look I know that some of these questions seem to be really harsh maybe some come of you been at offensive.! I hope you realize that everyone has or is walking through the same pain and uncertainty that you are. Just want to make that clear people are here to help donating their free time. So people like us to walk through horrible situations may be a little bit easier then they did. That’s all for now


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

His marriage is dead but he doesn't know it yet. He's still trying to hang on. And the lies and obfuscation will continue.


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

thanks for all the responses I do appreciate the time. I have looked into a polygraph test I am Canadian and those things aren't very big up here. I have had paternity done and she is mine.
Also I believe in the us military adultery is still a publishable offence in Canada it isnt


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

From all your previous posts, your gut feelings were dead on target during the first deployment - all along.

What is you gut telling you now?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DavidPete,

An indirect polygraph is to get in contact with the OMs current wife or SO, she might know something or be in the dark, in any event it's worth trying. Don't threaten or warn the OM before doing so or he will spin a story to his wife.

Advise her to snoop on the OM and get a polygraph for him.

Tamat


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

didn't have a wife at the time he is still single I thnk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I thought you wrote that he had a fiance back then, do some research.

Are you going to expose the OM to his parents, family, facebook, etc? Have you confronted the OM yet?


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

I said...another female she was friends with there did cheat as well and she had a fiance. I contacted her and told her to tell her partner


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

But did you tell her fiancé?

What proof do you have that she actually told the fiancé?

That fiancé has a right to know whether or not the woman he plans on marrying is a cheater or not.

Please do the right thing, called him and talk to him directly.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Make every excuse you want for your wife. 

She willingly ****ed another man. 

Wasn’t a drunken mistake. 

She wanted him.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Making an indictment of women on deployment because of the behavior of your lousy wife says more about you than it does about the Army. And FTR, I retired from the Army in 2013.

So, if only she didn't deploy, perhaps she wouldn't repeatedly give herself to other men...

Pull your head from your fourth point of contact, man...please...and see this for what it is.


davidpete1517 said:


> also have to add in here cause I saw it somewhere and agreeing. deploying females is the stupid **** ever ,but nothing not evades the current political correct world we live in. "let's send a bunch of grunts into a warzone and hey for ****s and giggles we will throw one women in there with them"


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Goose54 (Feb 11, 2018)

Yeah, ahhh, any experience with FETs? Just saying...


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

well honestly guys I have tried to pick the meaning from the weeds here long enough. say what you will."Mans got his head up his as he is going to back to her and she will keep cheating." I have not decided what I am going to do. But I have decided I will not look to the toxic comments here for any real guidance. But I'm smart enough to know that an internet forum is not where i go to for advice. But to those that actually offered rational calm thought out suggestions thanks I got what i needed from you select few, more power to ya .


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Not sure what you expected.... the advice you get is only as good as the information you provide.

Perhaps you should have told people what you needed.

*”HEY! .... I... AH... GOT SOME STUFF TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.... :crying:
SO... CAN I GET SOME REASSURANCES THAT EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE OK?? :woohoo:
OH YEAH! AFTERWARDS I, AH.... GOT SOME SWEEPING TO DO. 
SO, AH... CAN I GET SOMEONE TO HOLD THE RUG UP FOR ME? :grin2:
THAaaaaNKSsssaaaa”*


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Good post Seadoug105! Yep. To be honest about it, he will go back to his WW and she will continue to cheat. I guess he doesn't want to confront the truth. Someone said, "People will believe only what they want to believe".


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

" There are none so blind as those who will not see. "


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

DP,

Understand your frustration from 1st hand experience...

The 2 universal truths I painfully learned regarding affairs:

1) You think you know the whole truth... There's always more.
2) Your WW will never disclose her darkest secrets. To the grave they shall follow.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

davidpete1517 said:


> well honestly guys I have tried to pick the meaning from the weeds here long enough. say what you will."Mans got his head up his as he is going to back to her and she will keep cheating." I have not decided what I am going to do. But I have decided I will not look to the toxic comments here for any real guidance. But I'm smart enough to know that an internet forum is not where i go to for advice. But to those that actually offered rational calm thought out suggestions thanks I got what i needed from you select few, more power to ya .




If you really think deployment is the problem I would invite you to share why you think that is the catalyst in her being unfaithful...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> If you really think deployment is the problem I would invite you to share why you think that is the catalyst in her being unfaithful...


*cough* Opportunity!


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## sunbucket (Oct 6, 2018)

@davidpete1517: I've been lurking around but your post actually got me to register. Just want to say I empathize with you. My ex-wife was also in the military. She cheated on her first tour after we got married, came back as if nothing happened, and then cheated again on her next deployment. She cheated with multiple men. I found out after the second time. We eventually divorced. The trust was a big problem, but we had other issues. But we have no kids and weren't married for long, so it was not a messy split.

I'm not here to pass judgment or tell you what to do. I think you have all the information you need. Funny thing about trust is that it has to be earned from doing, not talking. If you don't have it, you will always doubt whenever she goes on deployment, which was what happened to me. Sure you can give her a polygraph or what not, but how long will you keep doing that? It's tough to have that lingering feeling. So I just want to say you have to take care of yourself. If you can live with the doubt and give her a chance -- and I ain't saying whether she deserves it or not -- then suck it up and see what happens. If not, I think you know what to do.

best of luck


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

davidpete1517:

Sorry I tried to help. 

1. Its always interesting to hear someone's reaction to being told uncomfortable things.

2. You do understand that the people on this site are not here to hurt your feelings don't you?

3. People come here seeking aid and triage bleeding from horrendous wounds. We try to help them. Sometimes they need to hear harsh truths to shake them awake to reality.

4. Sometimes they react with anger and refuse to accept that reality.

5. We don't know your situation because you held back information and refused to give back feedback.

6. You seemed to think that by not taking any kind of decisive action that you have the situation under control.

7. Good for you. Good luck with that. By the way, that approach has been shown to have an extremely poor track record. But you know better and chose to attack those who tried to come to your aid.

8. Either way, your experience will be good for those to learn those lessons that infidelity is best answered by courage, strength, and decisive actions. Since you have chosen the direct opposite tack, it will be interesting. Let us know if your efforts are successful. We are willing to learn.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife has proven she can’t be trusted on deployment. If she learned anything it is she has to keep her mouth shut. If she was all that concerned about her marriage she would not have deployed again. Although, cheaters always think they are slicker than their spouses. 

Your response is on you. You have to figure out how to live with a wife that can’t be trusted out of your site. You will never have 100% trust in another woman either. I consider that a good thing.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Chaparral is right. Your WW will learn to be more circumspect, but if she is ever to be trusted, it will take years to do so. And she probably will have to leave the service.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he might not 100% follow our orders? I mean, advice?

How rude!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

It is a sucky place to be. I wish you the best, thank you for your service.


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