# Two Months In, No End In Sight



## downnoutinaz (Jun 20, 2012)

I've been coming to this site regularly for the last two months since my wife dropped the "I love you but..." bomb on me. My initial thread was met mostly with responses of "She's having an affair" which turned me off to posting.

To give everyone the quick version of my story, my wife and I have been about three and a half years, married a little over one. We have a two and a half year old daughter that means the world to me.

Looking back I think my wife started pulling out of our relationship the minute things got serious. She tells me now she has commitment issues but up until now I had never heard of them. I realize she is probably just telling herself this so she has an easy out - "I realize I'm broken, but I like me so I'm not going to change."

What makes out situation a bit different, is she when she says she want's to be friends she seems to actually mean it. To put it a bit more bluntly, since she has said it's over our sex life has improved and she has said she want's to remain f-buddys.

At this point I am torn between giving her exactly what she wants, completely letting her go, and struggling to fix things. Complicating the situation is the fact that neither of us can really afford to live on our own. So while she say's we are separated, we still live in the same house, and sleep in the same bed. She has not filed for divorce and I don't think she has any immediate plans to do so. She has expressed to me that because she cares for me deeply she will not date or sleep with anyone else in the near future, but everyday I dread that today might be the day.

I have been desperately trying to fix things, but all it has done is emotional push her away. I am having difficulty doing any part of the 180 consistently and often over share with her in regards to how I am feeling on a particular day.

There are times when she seems like she may be having second thoughts but I don't know if I'm just seeing what I want and in complete denial of my situation.

My intention for posting is to vent, hoping if I get those feelings out on here I can go home and not be emotional. After two month's I am still in complete shock, I feel like I'm living a nightmare I cannot wake up from. She has not been the best wife and I haven't been a great husband, but right now as much as I try not to I only can focus on the good parts of our relationship which is making things all that much more difficult to accept.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

File for divorce NOW.

Don't wait for her to determine your destiny. You have control over your life and your daughter's.

I know it sounds mean, harsh and totally unlike you, but guess what? Your traditional approach has got you to where you are. Time to do a real 180 (not just a fake act).

The following list is what you should do *DESPITE* all the love, empathy and sadness that you are feeling towards your wife:

1. File for divorce

2. Tell your wife you would like to keep things friendly without involving lawyers. If she doesn't cooperate, simply tell her that you will be spending all the money there is on the meanest, most expensive lawyer in town.

3. Move out

4. Grieve the death of your marriage (by doing a lot of reading, thinking and attending counseling sessions)

5. Start living a single life with all its perks (yup. Keep those perks in mind at all times).

6. Wish your wife a lifetime of happiness.


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Within a couple of months (or even less), your wife will have her chance to regain your attention. It will be up to you whether you want to give it to her or not. 

GET TO THAT POSITION ASAP.


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## downnoutinaz (Jun 20, 2012)

Synthetic, I appreciate the advise and will take it heavily into consideration. I'm not sure if I am ready to take those steps, though if I'm being honest I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.

She has already told me I can have the house, she doesn't want to fight over anything, just wants to move on with her life. I get the impression she has been emotionally checked out for a long time.

With everything that has been said and done over the last two months, I'm not sure why I still love her at all. It seems like she is doing a lot of cake eating right now and I know it going to be up to me to push things forward.

The couple times I have grown a pair and told her I was done, she has started crying and talks me out of it.


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## zebulona (Aug 15, 2012)

She still loves you. Have you both gone to counseling?


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## zebulona (Aug 15, 2012)

What are the stressors in her life? Why is she emotionally checked out?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Mine said the same things.. but 6 weeks in.. she has checked out..

I served her today.. she has to be held accountable for her actions.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

She may love you still, but that kind of relationship is not going to work for you, is it? Look, I know that feeling of shock and confusion, man don't let it paralyze you. I agree with synthetic, I waited for the ex to file, and lost some dignity in the process. BUT, it's been one year divorced for me, I have time with my D10, and time to myself. It's a LOT Better now. Making you a cuckold is not love or respect, don't fall for the patronizing self serving b.s. Your wife,,,, wants out. Time for you to make plans.


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## downnoutinaz (Jun 20, 2012)

zebulona said:


> She still loves you. Have you both gone to counseling?


She tells me "I love you but it's not that kind of love. You are my best friend and I don't want to lose you. I just don't want to be married."

I personally think there is some love still there but she would be er admit it because she has spent so much time convincing herself of the opposite. I learned early on in this situation to not try to reason with her on this point because all always lose and be worse off for bringing it up.

As far a stress goes, since this entire thing started she has not been doing well at work. This was what initially convinced her to stop working on our marriage and just give up. Thinking about us at work was just too much for her, she was distracted got in trouble for not being up to par. Then decided that fixig our marriage wasn't worth the effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> The couple times I have grown a pair and told her I was done, she has started crying and talks me out of it.


Yup. Because you allow her.

Women cry a lot. It doesn't make them loving people. They can be cruel and still cry a lot.

You'll do your share of crying too. She won't give a crap. 



> She tells me "I love you but it's not that kind of love. You are my best friend and I don't want to lose you. I just don't want to be married."


In other words: I want to do whatever the hell I want, but I don't want to see you take interest in other women until I find my perfect guy.

Are you willing to live like that?

Dude,

The only thing that will give her a shock is seeing you move on with life in her absence. Give her that shock and observe the situation for a couple of weeks. If she comes back full of love and remorse, then consider giving her a chance. If not, you're already on your path to a better life.


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## downnoutinaz (Jun 20, 2012)

Next few days are going to be a little rough I think. She's spending the weekend at a friends and once she gets back on Sunday I'm leaving town for a few days. The separation should help me detach a bit I'm hoping. Once I get back to town I think we are going to start sleeping in seperate rooms.

We had a long conversation last night regarding her intentions as far as dating go. She says she isn't interested in seeing or dating anyone and that she hasn't met anyone yet that would be worth breaking up the family for, yet. I trust her in this regard but it still is feeling like I have somehow become her plan b.

During a conversation this week she said that if I wanted we could date each other, I could court her again to see if there was anything there. It is her impression that we never had much romance due to her getting pregnant so soon after we started dating. She blames me for not making more of an effort. I know this is just her rationalizing what she is doing and blame shifting but it still cuts a bit everytime she says this. I know I could have made more of an effort, I could have worked less, but I focused on work because I thought it would, in the end, help us get to a happier place. That conversation ended with her saying she had been "faking it" ( her love for me ) for the last three years and me sleeping on the couch to get away from her.

I'm not sure if I actually have a decision to make. Dating again might help, but do I really want to date someone that quit the first time so easily? There is no guarantee it could work and part of it just feels like a manipulation on her part. She has a history of breaking her word on a whim if the mood strikes.

She is pressuring me to start dating, to replace her. She thinks I'm in love with love and the financial stability our marriage brings, not actually in love with her. I have wondered about this myself over the last two months but always come to the same conclusion that I do love her. I feel like and idiot for wanting this to continue but right now the future just looks bleak without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## downnoutinaz (Jun 20, 2012)

Alright, I am having a weak moment and figured posting something on here would be better then texting the STBXW.

The weekend is going as expected. I've been irritable wanting to reach out to her to see what she did last night, how her day is going etc. She sent me a text this morning wishing me a good day, which I ignored.

The trouble came later in the day as, during a lull in the day, I saw posts she made to Facebook chronicling her day. The fun she was having without me, the worry that she might be meeting someone to replace me at that exact moment, wanting her to just come home.

Those feeling have continued into the evening eating away at the barriers I have been trying to build. Spending the day with family, with the questions and advice haven't helped either. I know this is because no one is telling me what I want to hear. Just wanting someone to tell me there is still hope.

I am leaving town tomorrow for a trip till Wednesday, pleasure not business. I know I'm going to be thinking about her half the time and my daughter the other half. I would really like to use the next few days to detach, come home with a clear head, and be willing to do what I need to to move on with my life. I deeply need to let go but I'm afraid if I do it will be the end, that there will be no coming back and the family and home we made will be gone.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

UNFRIEND HER on FB

I stopped looking at my STBEX's facebook last week. I could access it through my daughters account.

I feel so much better. If you don't want to unfriend her select that you don't want her posts to show up on your feed.

There is nothing you can do about how she is living her life so you might as well not see it.

I have no idea if my STBEW is seeing anyone.. and if she is there is nothing I can do about it so I try to ignore it and try to live my own life.

I'm coming up on 7 weeks and I of course I still hurt, but i have turned to my support group in my times on need, not creeping her FB trying to see what she is doing.


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