# Still not feeling right after H cheated



## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

I know it's still early days (H confessed end of Aug.), we are trying to work through things but I still feel, well I don't know how I feel, empty, still getting upset, questions going round and round in my head still, even though he has answered everything I have asked. I want to feel normal again (if that's the right word to use), feel like I am getting worse, crying, don't know what to do and I am over eating, it's like I need to stuff myself with food and I don't know why this is. Trying to stay strong isn't easy, I have no-one to talk to as I haven't told any of my family what happened. Just posting here I suppose to get it off my chest. Trying to be happy for the kids with Christmas coming, even though they are 11 and 15, just want them to have a nice, happy time. 
Will I ever get over this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What have you been doing to work through the damage that's been done? Counselling? Books? 

C


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. Dont try to bury those feelings. Will you ever get over it? Yes, and no. Dont rush things. You need to seek counseling. You are experiencing a very traumatic event in your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

toonaive said:


> Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. Dont try to bury those feelings. Will you ever get over it? Yes, and no. Dont rush things. You need to seek counseling. You are experiencing a very traumatic event in your life.


Happyman64 said something especially poignant in another thread a while back, and it really stuck w/ me (paraphrasing here)...

"Your goal shouldn't be to get _over_ it; your goal should be to get _*through*_ it."


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

If you want to get over this you need your husband's help and commitment to your relationship. A counsellor would be helpful too. 

Is he truly remorseful? Does he apologies a lot for his mistakes? Does he make a genuine effort to make you love him again? 

If not, you may not get over it without growing resentful. 

I found this the following article very useful when my wife cheated on me. It's only because she made sure to following each one of the points to the dot that we are still together and may be able to work it out:

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/11/23/20-mistakes-former-cheaters-make-in-marital-recovery/


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Happyman64 said something especially poignant in another thread a while back, and it really stuck w/ me (paraphrasing here)...
> 
> "Your goal shouldn't be to get _over_ it; your goal should be to get _*through*_ it.


I probably should have said: 'if you want to get through this..':smthumbup:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> I know it's still early days (H confessed end of Aug.), we are trying to work through things but I still feel, well I don't know how I feel, empty, still getting upset, questions going round and round in my head still, even though he has answered everything I have asked. I want to feel normal again (if that's the right word to use), feel like I am getting worse, crying, don't know what to do and I am over eating, it's like I need to stuff myself with food and I don't know why this is. Trying to stay strong isn't easy, I have no-one to talk to as I haven't told any of my family what happened. Just posting here I suppose to get it off my chest. Trying to be happy for the kids with Christmas coming, even though they are 11 and 15, just want them to have a nice, happy time.
> Will I ever get over this?


_*PLEASE*_ talk w/ a close friend or family member about what you're going through. This is one of the worst things that you'll ever experience, and having no one w/ whom you can talk about it only makes it worse.


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Haven't looked into counselling, don't think I could face it, been reading through some books and posts on here. 

My H was apologising a lot, but now I feel he was took a step back, I have told him this but feel I am now getting nothing back. I am feeling like a fool, am I doing the right thing, is he playing me, I just don't know, that is why I haven't really told anyone.

I use to talk to my friend, but felt she got too involved with everything, wasn't her fault, she was just seeing me upset all the time, then I felt she was advising me wrongly.

I am going to keep going until after Christmas and see how I am feeling then I think.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do u of think you couldn't "face" counselling? Even individual counselling will give you someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. 

C


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I found out about my H affair the end of Aug as well & just this past weekend we finally got to where we could talk without fighting. I had to figure out how to ask my questions in a way that he didn't feel I was attacking him, Not saying that's what you're doing. He answered my questions to start with & as time went on he started to shut down. He thought I should be getting over it by now. I found when I started out with something like "I need to know this to help me get past it" He was a lot more open with me. only now am I starting to have more good days than bad. I started focusing more on myself. Visiting friends & working out. Take care of yourself & stay strong


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

The "aftershock" response is normal but you do need support to conquer it. (Read the Newbie Thread by AlmostRecovered in my signature below). Some of it is when your gut tells you he isn't remorseful, his answers aren't sincere or you may fear there are more "truths" pending...Makes you feel like you are in "pending" status, up in the air... Makes you wonder if you asked the "right" question/s or if you "worded" your question right. Right now what you are feeling is chaos. It's all difficult to adjust to but you can do it.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

You're likely trying to confort yourself with food - or use it to bury your feelings. Whatever the case, you're using it as a crutch, and even if you can stop, if you don't address the root cause, you'll just move on to another unhealthy coping mechanism.

Sounds like your husband isn't exactly remorseful. You may want to read the evidence thread here (usually on the first page of this section), and look up the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MP,

You are barely 5 months out. Regardless of R or D your emotions will be all over the place for months if not years to come. There is no fast track to dealing with betrayal. My MC told me it takes as long as it takes, very true. 

Advise... Follow your Heart, follow your instincts, trust yourself. Don't allow yourself to be swayed by "what's honorable, what's discrete, what's the* "right"* thing to do". Now is the time to take care of yourself, protect your well being, physically, emotionally, and financially.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> I know it's still early days (H confessed end of Aug.), we are trying to work through things but I still feel, well I don't know how I feel, empty, still getting upset, questions going round and round in my head still, even though he has answered everything I have asked. I want to feel normal again (if that's the right word to use), feel like I am getting worse, crying, don't know what to do and I am over eating, it's like I need to stuff myself with food and I don't know why this is. Trying to stay strong isn't easy, I have no-one to talk to as I haven't told any of my family what happened. Just posting here I suppose to get it off my chest. Trying to be happy for the kids with Christmas coming, even though they are 11 and 15, just want them to have a nice, happy time.
> Will I ever get over this?


Hugs to you. This is normal. Of course you are feeling this way. You have been betrayed by the person you trusted the most. What did he admit to? Has he answered every question or made you to feel that you were asking too much?
Why haven't you told anyone but your one friend?
Do you exercise?
The more you feed your cravings for high carbohydrate food, the more it will grow. I recommend you switch to munching on vegetables, fruits, and nuts instead. Also be sure to drink plenty of water and/or herbal teas. This will help stave off the cravings. It may take a week or two before you level out.
What are your religious beliefs?
Are you employed?
Can you tell us more about your life, so we can get an idea of how to advise you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes 2 - 5 years for the BS to recover from infidelity. For the first 6 months after D-day.. I went to work and just stared at the compute screen all day. I have no idea why I was not fired.. well I did a little bit but very little.

Basically I had fallen into a very deep depression. I needed help to get out of it.

Your eating, the way your feel, it sounds like you have slipped into a depression. This has lasted over 2 weeks. You would most likely benefit from seeing your doctor, telling them what's going on and getting on an anti depressant. I'm not a doc but something like Wellbutrin is a good idea because of you eating. Talk to your doctor.

Anti depressants do not make you feel dopy or anything like that. They help you quiet your mind so that you can deal with the problem at hand.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

You are not okay and you won't be for a while and that is okay and normal. What you have experienced is traumatic, do not bury your feelings or try to numb them, you have to endure the trauma.

You will experience pain, anxiety, anger, massive depression and symptoms akin to PTSD. It is important that even though these feelings may overwehlm you that you must take care of yourself and your body.

Stop overeating, it'll do nothing to help you. Engage in exercise, begin today, maybe a walk around the neighbourhood to get started. Physical activities will help improve your mood and expend excess emotional build up so do strenuous physical activities daily or when you're feeling manic with emotion, trust me it helps.

I think you wrote previously that you talked about to a friend but stopped, confide in a close family member or friend, it'll help you immensly to talk about it out loud way more than typing keys on a keyboard.

How do you feel about your husband and your marriage at the moment?


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies.

I stopped talking to my friend because she told me I should leave, she is single, never been married, no kids and had a few long term relationships, she was seeing me so upset and all over the place and I know this was upsetting for her to see me like this, we have been friends all our lives. I just felt she was too close to what had gone on if that makes sense.

I wouldn't speak to any of my family, it would only get out and I feel ashamed and embarrassed, and it may seem wrong but I don't want them judging cause up to now we are still together.

I love my H, we have been together for 17 years and whilst I had other relationships I had never felt really close to anyone like I do/did to him. Trying to work through things, I don't know if I should let it all go, but then is that me thinking it would be easier to walk away, rather than deal with the affair and trying to make it work, I do want it to work, and I know it will take time, I am just all over the place, one minute ok and then breaking down, I also feel the more he sees me like this the less he will want me. 

I spoke to him today, asked if he was happy, he said yes, I am here, but I am not feeling it, then I am thinking is this cause of what happened why I don't believe him. I have told him to walk away if he is not happy and not to hurt me, he said that's not what he wants. I suppose I can only see how things go.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

marypoppins said:


> I use to talk to my friend, but felt she got too involved with everything, wasn't her fault, she was just seeing me upset all the time, then I felt she was advising me wrongly.
> 
> I am going to keep going until after Christmas and see how I am feeling then I think.


Why did you feel that your friend gave you the wrong advise? Friends can get weary after getting dumped on. Afterwards, when the advisee continues their behavior without change the friend gives up.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Nobody ever "gets over" being cheated on.

It's like an emotional tattoo that will stay with you until the day you die.
You can decide how you'll wear it and how big it will be, but make
no mistake about it. It doesn't go away.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> Thanks for all the replies.
> 
> I stopped talking to my friend because she told me I should leave, she is single, never been married, no kids and had a few long term relationships, she was seeing me so upset and all over the place and I know this was upsetting for her to see me like this, we have been friends all our lives. I just felt she was too close to what had gone on if that makes sense.
> 
> ...


This is why some counsellors advise that you not lean on friends and family to much when you are going through this sort of thing. They can burn out from hearing your problems all the time. Especially in your case where your friend keeps seeing how upset you are. 

You two really need to do some counselling imo. At the very least you do.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

burning your bridges with your friends and family is a bad idea IMO. If something happens again, you are on an island. Further, it's not your friend or family who cheated on you so why punish them ? Even if it was the wrong advice, which it appears it may have been the correct advice (otherwise your R would be working out better now), if you can't have friends advise you without retaliation, noone is ever going to help you in that situation


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