# What to do when he refuses to go to therapy?



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi, guys,
I guess some of you know me. I'm here again, cause i feel hopeless with my marriage. I feel i have no energy to work on it.
I still want to work it out but it feels it gets worse. No tactics work, the fights happen more often. Lately he hasn't given me exactly the silent treatment, but he started fighting dirty
/saying hurful things, mocking me, laughing when i talk, telling me to shut up.../ I feel very much detached from him, but i'm willing to try feel the way i did before we got married/that was the last time i felt happy-year ago/ To sum up i feel we need therapy to try to make it work. He says NO!. In the past he went once with me and that was it. I went 3 months for myself.
Am i right to think that therapy is our last chance? And if he doesn't want to go and i can't take it anymore? what next? i'm very lost in my feelings and thoughts. If someone could just tell me what's the right thing to do... no chance i know....have to figure it out my own.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Get yourself to individual counseling. You're going to need it regardless of what happens. Your counselor will help you make a decision. I think you already know the answer.

Sorry


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Get yourself to individual counseling. You're going to need it regardless of what happens. Your counselor will help you make a decision. I think you already know the answer.
> 
> Sorry


:iagree:


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

When i wasgoing to therapy, which was kind of individual,cause he came only once, i was starting to feel more like myself. I was more calm, he said then that i'm drifting apart....
She/the terapist/ said that if we're looking to solve marital problems it will be much faster if he came. I went 3 months ,then i stopped. I felt i have done ,what is needed,but the other party has done nothing. I thought about going again... but for how long ? Til i make the decision? You're right ,i kind of know the answer. I'm just still hoping he''ll believe in counseling, and we''ll give it a try...


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## Theangryone (Oct 10, 2011)

I know where your at Charlene, it's were I am. I know what the right thing is I just can't bring myself to take that step. Not really sure why, I go from day to day saying I can't live like this anymore but that's as far as I get. 26 years is hard to walk away from. Here's praying you find the strength to do whatever you decide is right for you.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks a lot for your support. I feel for you, must be hard after so many years! Can't imagine....that's why i feel i need to do it now, so that i won't lose the chance of happiness,children...
But i feel that if i leave a minute sooner i will regret it and eventually come back.The timing must be right so that i won't feel like a had some unfinished bussiness... What is that i need go get me out forever? Don't know! I feel i had enough,but apparently i haven't


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think.... that you do the best that you can do, so that if you do decide to end it at least you or ok with yourself in that you did everything you could. 

I tried...lots of things, including going to marriage counseling without him. After 23 years, he left... snuck out actually.... but by that time, I had my own sh*t together and was ok. I was bummed, I was PO'd, I couldn't understand how he would not even TRY to fix the marriage... how could he throw away a perfectly good wife? 

Anyway, the bottom line is do what you need to do to be ok with yourself. You can wish and hope and pray that he is different, or "sees the light" or whatever, but the bottom line is ... get YOURSELF in a good place, and you will be ok no matter how it turns out. 

AND.... my marriage counselor told me what I needed to hear... she said, "His lack of effort and lack of communication make you feel powerless, right? But really you have ALL the power. The power over you as well as the power over a nowhere relationship in which he is not participating. So figure out what you want, decide if you will stay in a nothing relationship knowing you can't fix it, or whether you want/need something different for yourself." See, I knew this.... I think you do too. But I needed to hear it I guess. She suggested, and I took her advice, that I set a mental time line to continue to work on myself, and my marriage... in whatever way worked for me, knowing that I could change my mind at any time. THIS worked for me. I gave it a year (after 23 years and 5 kids), but he walked out after 6 mos. By then, I was ok mentally with it...and ready to move on with my life. 

Hang in there....do what works for you!


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Thank you for your advise . I did set a mental time line in which i should decide whether i can live like that and have kids with him, or i leave if nothing's changed. This time line ends by the end of the year, in which i think he feels i've already given up on the merriage. For him it looks like i made an attitude, which shows i'm concidering leaving. And that doen't helped things to get better. It that possible? Every time i try to say something about me not wanting that kind of relationship and tell him " If things between us didn't change i think we should split" He says " ok, we''re splitting, if you say so" He doesn't know we can work on this, he refuses to believe it. He's the type of guy ,who believes thing either go natually or nothing can't be done.


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