# What should I do?



## Alba (Jul 27, 2013)

I want a divorce from my husband of 10 years. We have an 8 year old and a 1.5 year old. We have grown apart in many ways, and it is clear that we would both be happier divorced. There are no affairs going on. We just do not think it best to stay together for the children, as being in an unhappy marriage just for the kids - we believe it to be a bad example. 
The biggest issue I have had through the years with him is his inability to take responsibility and get help for his anger management issues. I believe he has an angry temperament. he refuses to go to counseling. Daily, he explodes and lets off steam, as his stresses build up. 
In discussing the particulars of the divorce we actually could agree on almost everything, except him taking a class or getting therapy for the anger management issue. He tends to deny, blame others, or change the subject when it comes up.
One percent of the time, I feel uncomfortable with him around the kids, as when he gets angry he looses all sense, threatens to kill them, etc. It rarely becomes physical, but on occasion he has shoved them, grabbed the neck of the oldest, but rarely has it gone beyond just barking aggressively. I know this is scary and affects the kids deeply, even if there is nothing physical.
The other 99%, he is a good to great father, nurturing, a good teacher, compassionate, etc. 

This one issue and his refusal to take it seriously, along with his efforts to be emotionally abusive to me, as well, make me seriously regret my marriage. It is just not okay with me to live like this, and I want out.

We had talked about doing a prose divorce with a 50/50 custody split, but it all broke down when I asked him to take a class in anger management. 

He claimed that if I pursued the anger management course, that he would claim that I am crazy and need psychiatric help, that he would turn the kids against me, that they would eventually see that I am crazy, etc.

I know all that BS - what I call reverse-talk - his issues and problems not mine. If you know what The Work by Byron Katie is then you know what I mean...

It made me realize that I need to step up on behalf of the kids and seek full custody and do my best to limit the time he sees them, as he really will never be capable of taking responsibility for his problem. This is not something I want to do, just something I feel I have no choice but to do.

Are there other choices here to consider?

Thanks for your thoughts.
What do you think?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You do not deserve any kind of abuse, physical or emotional. If he is exploding and will not seek, help you have every right to walk away from this. If he tries to bully you with threats and such that he'll tarnish your image, then let him try. That is on him. That is his control issues, not yours. He won't be able to get what he wants all the time. What he wants is for you to stay and be his puppet, his rag doll to vent on and treat however he wants: he wants to control you and the situation. You can let him or not.

Perhaps instead of jumping right to divorce you could just move out or ask him to move out for a trial separation. Maybe that would wake him up once he sees what life is like when he has nobody to beat up on because he has become such a prick. But don't let him bully you, or scare you. You do not have to put up with his sh!t.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

No.. I don't know the work of Byron Katie.

I do know the work of Bob Marley though and he states,
"no woman no cry."

Can it get more simple than that?


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