# Do you really trust your partner?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What if you find out something suspicious, do you trust your partner? 
Personally I trust no one, even my last one I always had suspicions she had an emotional affair at work hence leading to the breakup but not like it matters now.

Curious how many relationships actually do have this so-called trust.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Trust....but verify.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> Trust....but verify.


I agree. Trust until you don't, if you can't, that's the end. What's the point in having a partner if you won't extend any trust.?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My default is to trust my wife, until or unless she provides me a reason not to trust her.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I am also not inclined to worry about what I don’t know, or fret over what might be.

That said if I find out my wife has egregiously betrayed my trust, she will forfeit her opportunity to keep me as her spouse.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> I agree. Trust until you don't, if you can't, that's the end. What's the point in having a partner if you won't extend any trust.?


I do extend trust - trust in *what I trust them to do  *

I always act like I trust them though and then 'collect data', think out of all the women in my life ex-wife was the most trustworthy, also the most psycho, ironically.


----------



## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

My wife and I had a rather dramatic early relationship. She is from Australia and had lived in Germany for a time. When I became interested in her, I knew that she might not stay in the US, might go back to Australia or Germany. I knew this when we began living together.

At that time there was no basis for trust other than that she would be honest with me. After a year it seemed she'd made her decision so we wed and immediately went for having a daughter.

I got a job that required over 2 hours of commuting every day. A few months after our marriage I came home to find she was not there. We were big on notes, but there was none. Finally she called about 9 PM to say she was in Santa Monica (50 miles away) visiting with a male friend from Germany who worked on the airlines and had flown into Los Angeles.

I did not know what her relationship had been to the male friend while she was in Germany. I didn't know what to think, but I think I still had the acceptance of her freedom I'd had when we were living together. Trust? I don't think there was yet a basis for demanding trust. Still living the drama.

That was the last incident where I had any reason for questions of trust. I have absolute trust in her.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Although I've had suspicions in the past...
I never found any proof of infidelity. 
It was mostly my own insecurities. 
Once I figured that out I was in a much better place.


----------



## ayushiest (Sep 26, 2021)

We don’t talk about trusting each other. We just do.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I do extend trust - trust in *what I trust them to do  *
> 
> I always act like I trust them though and then 'collect data', think out of all the women in my life ex-wife was the most trustworthy, also the most psycho, ironically.


Dude.. that sounds like an uncomfortable state of being, I can't live with anxiety like that and I can obsess and become overanalytic if I let my mind jump down the rabbit hole.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> Dude.. that sounds like an uncomfortable state of being, I can't live with anxiety like that and I can obsess and become overanalytic if I let my mind jump down the rabbit hole.


I wouldn't say it's uncomfortable though, I don't exactly go around paranoid or anxious about everything I just go on life normally smiley faces, 'collect data' and after a few patterns are identified then I may investigate further and draw my own conclusions but I never just take anyone's word for anything.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No point in being married if you can't trust your spouse.


----------



## Cooking4fun (Apr 9, 2017)

To be honest, I think I trusted her more before I found TAM. Maybe I should start a new thread with this specific question. 😎


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Trust, and have boundaries to avoid / preclude obvious, preventable stupid situations.


----------



## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

I trust my husband to be who he is.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Part of the problem with not trusting your partner is that you may be visualizing the failure of the marriage. I am a great believer in how visualizing success can lead to success. I also therefore believe that visualizing failure (of a marriage) can lead to failure of a marriage. Visualization gets you subconscious and conscious minds in synch. A long term spouse can also read you non-verbal (body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.) and so if you really "believe" something like a spouse cheating, you are probably communicating that to your spouse in subtle ways.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Now let's say something happened and it's all very suss, all evidence points to something deceptive that your partner has done, and they tell you to drop it and trust them? Also refuses to share their phone? No transparency?

Would you drop it and trust him/her?


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I think trust can ebb and flow a little bit.

There are seasons in my marriage that I’ve trusted her completely and never thought a thing about it. And there are seasons when, because of my own insecurities, I’ve wondered. And I’ve had trouble trusting.

I think that’s normal for broken people. Is anyone here perfect? Scars can interfere with good sense.

Ride the ebb and flow, be patient, never trust blindly, but never look to feed your own paranoia. Pay attention.


----------



## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> What if you find out something suspicious, do you trust your partner?
> Personally I trust no one, even my last one I always had suspicions she had an emotional affair at work hence leading to the breakup but not like it matters now.
> 
> Curious how many relationships actually do have this so-called trust.


You should NEVER give your partner your full trust. Only your offspring get that.

Let her actions be the guide, not her words.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I went with "I trust no one".

Why?

"Everybody lies."- Dr. House.

That said, I'm damn close to 100% trusting my husband. I just can't...quite...reach...... Mostly because I am convinced he tells me little white lies to make me feel better.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JBLH said:


> You should NEVER give your partner your full trust. Only your offspring get that.
> 
> Let her actions be the guide, not her words.


You 100% trust your offspring? Have you had teenagers?

Just pulling your leg a bit. My sons have grown to be solid trustworthy men but there are times when growing up, whew!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I trust people to be people. 

I trust women to be women and trust men to be men. 

I trust that at the end of the day people will do the right thing……..for them.

So to put it in context, I trust that on a normal daily basis, my wife is not going to do anything where she will lose her home or her lifestyle or relationship with her children or hurt my feelings unnecessarily. 

However if Channing Tatum we’re to happen to show up on the scene and fall in love with her and ask her to join him on his yacht in the Bahamas for a week and then move her to his Hollywood mansion and attend all the Hollywood A-list parties etc - She may or may not still be at the house packing before I get home from work. 

And if I happened to walk into a room where Kate Mara and 3 Swedish bikini models were all writhing around on each other in a lesbian oil orgy and they started pleading for my schlong …… well, let’s just say I hope I would have a moment to take some pictures for my spank-bank scrapbook. 

I trust that my wife is not going to lose her home, marriage and relationship with her children for Dale the pot bellied, balding American Family Insurance agent that lives down the street.

But for Jon Bon Jovi (who she still leaves snail tracks on the floor for) or Channing Tatum or anyone else with his looks, money and status - I might as well help her pack because that way I could get on with my own life that much quicker. 

I trust she won’t do anything dumb to disrupt her life and her family over anyone in my league or below. 

But for a sure thing with someone head and shoulders above my league……. Well let’s just say the world follows pretty predictable and consistent patterns.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I trust my wife 100%. She has never given me any reason not too and until she does it will remain 100% I'm not dumb or blind though and I know people are fallible. If she were to do something out of character or suspicious it would raise huge red flags and I would investigate.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I did not trust my husband. Interestingly enough I was just talking on this very subject with a girlfriend a couple days ago. I believe if two people are not completely transparent with each other you hurt the relationship. In my marriage it was more than obvious when my ex became infatuated with various ladies. I asked what was going through his head and how he was feeling towards this person and he denied there was any feelings for years. When a partner lies and you know this person is not being truthful you become stuck in mud and you start spinning your wheels but you cannot move forward. 

On the flipside now with someone I have been cautious with but have learned that he will be honest with me and we can talk, I can say I have not fully gotten to a point where I feel I can throw caution to the wind and I wonder if I will ever feel that way again. It does feel nice though to be able to ask a question and get an answer instead of feeling like I am talking to a little boy who is covering things up and hiding in a corner.


----------



## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

RandomDude said:


> Now let's say something happened and it's all very suss, all evidence points to something deceptive that your partner has done, and they tell you to drop it and trust them? Also refuses to share their phone? No transparency?
> 
> Would you drop it and trust him/her?


Dunno. That's never happened over the last 44 years.


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

ayushiest said:


> We don’t talk about trusting each other. We just do.


Is that why 70% of women in big cities in India have extra-martial affairs? See A study claims 7 out of 10 Indian wives cheat on their husbands out of boredom | The Times of India


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

JBLH said:


> You should NEVER give your partner your full trust. Only your offspring get that.


If you think of "trust" from a more general perspective (not just sexual fidelity) then, even offsprings should get trust only to a certain extent.


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> Trust....but verify.


@Enigma32 exactly.

And how has that been working for you the last 12 hours or so? 

Again, congratulations and BEST WISHES FOR YOU BOTH!




JBLH said:


> Only your offspring get that.


Haha, that's very astute. I know exactly what to expect from each of my kids, which one(s) are going to "borrow" my tools, who I can count on, etc.

So, yes, I trust them to act exactly as I know they will act.




MJJEAN said:


> "Everybody lies."- Dr. House.


@MJJEAN, that guy is hopped up on opiates all the time. I'm not sure we can trust his judgement about trust.




oldshirt said:


> And if I happened to walk into a room where Kate Mara and 3 Swedish bikini models were all writhing around on each other in a lesbian oil orgy and they started pleading for my schlong …… well, let’s just say I hope I would have a moment to take some pictures for my spank-bank scrapbook.


@oldshirt So you would expect your wife to take Channing up on his offer, but you wouldn't help out the ladies, just take pictures? You should be carrying an emergency dose of Viagra with you at all times. Just in case!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Noman said:


> @Enigma32 exactly.
> 
> And how has that been working for you the last 12 hours or so?
> 
> ...


Either I didn’t write very clearly or you misunderstood.

What I meant is I would be so busy I may not get a chance to snap a picture of one of the greatest events of my life LOL 😆


----------



## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Is that why 70% of women in big cities in India have extra-martial affairs? See A study claims 7 out of 10 Indian wives cheat on their husbands out of boredom | The Times of India


That can’t be true.


----------



## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Do I trust myself with an open container of my favorite ice cream when I'm trying to lose weight? The most trustworthy people are those that understand human nature and do not even fully trust themselves.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I voted 100%.

Mrs. C would kill for me and try to take the repercussions for any killing I did.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JBLH said:


> That can’t be true.


I saw that as well. I would hope it is inaccurate but I don't think it has been debunked yet.


----------



## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

No I don't completely trust the SO. I've caught him in many lies, mostly inconsequential stuff, over the years. I told him right at the outset to be scrupulously honest because lying would erode my trust, yet he has chosen to behave otherwise.

He's fun to hang out with and we're on the same wavelength a lot of the time but he's not husband material (assuming I wanted to marry again). The relationship has an expiration date anyway because I'm planning to move away when I retire and he will remain here. It's fun while it lasts.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

I believe in trust till there a reason not to. Right now I'm working on this with my wife due to incidents I rug swept years ago.


----------



## kevin.kolodzy (4 mo ago)

After 22 years, I am certain I can trust my wife 100%. She has my best interests at heart even when I don't! Trust comes with time and the total lack of any actions that put it into question. I don't trust easily, so for me to have such confidence in anyone is remarkable.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Now let's say something happened and it's all very suss, all evidence points to something deceptive that your partner has done, and they tell you to drop it and trust them? Also refuses to share their phone? No transparency?
> 
> Would you drop it and trust him/her?


Refusing phone is proof to me.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I trusted everyone until they gave me a reason (in some cases more than one) to not trust them. For me, once my trust in a person is gone, it never comes back.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I trusted everyone until they gave me a reason (in some cases more than one) to not trust them. For me, once my trust in a person is gone, it never comes back.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> View attachment 90886


I hate that I’ve become that person. It’s just happened way too many times. Cheating is an epidemic with the advancement of technology and social media.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> I hate that I’ve become that person. It’s just happened way too many times. Cheating is an epidemic with the advancement of technology and social media.


Read the bible, it goes back thousands of years. Cheating is nothing new. The technology is just another method of communication. 

While it does give people another means of communicating, it also provides another means of getting busted. In the good ol' days before social media, txt, emails, phone apps etc etc there was no electronic footprint or log of what had taken place while someone was out of the house. 

Back then, if there were no eyewitnesses and no one was caught red-handed, it was pretty certain they wouldn't get caught.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m sure it does go back thousands of years. It’s just so easy now. I’m sure the rates of cheating (especially women) have gone up considerably in the last 20 years. It’s a lot easier for them to get their fill of attention from SM and texting old flames then getting it from their spouses. You’re right, it’s also a lot easier to get busted, but busting them doesn’t solve the trust issue, which was the question of this thread.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sure it does go back thousands of years. It’s just so easy now. I’m sure the rates of cheating (especially women) have gone up considerably in the last 20 years. It’s a lot easier for them to get their fill of attention from SM and texting old flames then getting it from their spouses. You’re right, it’s also a lot easier to get busted, but busting them doesn’t solve the trust issue, which was the question of this thread.


I still remember my first serious GF who lived with me when I was 19-20. Back then, if you wanted to talk to someone, you had to call a house phone. No cell phones and no social media. I still remember the consensus opinion on opposite sex people calling your house to talk to you...it wasn't gonna happen. Does anyone else remember that? Like there was no way another man would call your house and speak to your wife on the phone. Nowadays, I barely know anyone that isn't entertaining at least a couple of exes, old flames, and some potential people via social media and texting. They even did a study about how many people were keeping backup boyfriends/girlfriends on their social media and it was most people. I honestly think most people are cheating these days.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> I still remember my first serious GF who lived with me when I was 19-20. Back then, if you wanted to talk to someone, you had to call a house phone. No cell phones and no social media. I still remember the consensus opinion on opposite sex people calling your house to talk to you...it wasn't gonna happen. Does anyone else remember that? Like there was no way another man would call your house and speak to your wife on the phone. Nowadays, I barely know anyone that isn't entertaining at least a couple of exes, old flames, and some potential people via social media and texting. They even did a study about how many people were keeping backup boyfriends/girlfriends on their social media and it was most people. I honestly think most people are cheating these days.


One why or the other the cheating is going on. Less stress on me now that I am single and under the rules of the game.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> One why or the other the cheating is going on. Less stress on me now that I am single and under the rules of the game.


Sadly, at 51, I don’t see myself getting into another relationship. The BS just isn’t worth it anymore.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sadly, at 51, I don’t see myself getting into another relationship. The BS just isn’t worth it anymore.


It isn't. I'm enjoying being single and having fun without the headache


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sadly, at 51, I don’t see myself getting into another relationship. The BS just isn’t worth it anymore.


I still think it is worth it, obviously. Just have to be really, really picky. My marriage seems to have come with some kind of cult membership too so there is that 🤣


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sure the rates of cheating (especially women) have gone up considerably in the last 20 years.


 If anything there is no change in ability to find an AP as a woman, but the chance of getting caught is actually higher thanks to tech.


----------



## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. 
Because if you love your girlfriend and don't trust her 100%, how are you gonna know that she'll not tell your wife?


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> If anything there is no change in ability to find an AP as a woman, but the chance of getting caught is actually higher thanks to tech.


I think my thinking was, thanks to technology, even the SAHM’s can search out and hook up with their high school hookups. It’s only one click away. You just didn’t have that in the 1990’s. Your point about it being easy to get caught is well taken. It’s the only line of defense people like us have anymore.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sure it does go back thousands of years. It’s just so easy now. I’m sure the rates of cheating (especially women) have gone up considerably in the last 20 years. It’s a lot easier for them to get their fill of attention from SM and texting old flames then getting it from their spouses. You’re right, it’s also a lot easier to get busted, but busting them doesn’t solve the trust issue, which was the question of this thread.





MJJEAN said:


> If anything there is no change in ability to find an AP as a woman, but the chance of getting caught is actually higher thanks to tech.


I also question whether a woman's actual *ability *to find an AP has really changed much over the years. With social media and other electronic communication, it's certainly easier to have a bunch of orbiters and have people showering them with attention and accolades all the time, but for a woman to actually hook up with an AP, all she needs is a place where no one is looking at the time and give a wink and a nod. 

It was that way back in the cave when men went out on a wooly mammoth hunt, it was that way back in medieval times when the men were off on the crusades and it was that way as people were crossing the great plains in covered wagons and it is the same way now. 

Electronic communication can definitely help set the stage and have the orbiters in position. But the actual act of pulling the trigger and ducking behind closed doors probably hasn't changed all that much in reality. 

Is there 'more' cheating going on these days than in days gone by? 

I dunno. 

There is definitely less repurcussion and real cost for it today for sure. Other than upsetting one's spouse and possibly getting divorced over it, there really is no real world cost. 

In days of yore, there were actual laws against adultery and people could be charged. People could lose their jobs over it. If violence occurred to the WS, people often looked the other way and even in cases of actual murder, there was often the "crime of passion" excuse and many got off scot-free. There was public shame and humiliation. Some times banishment from the community and people thrown out of churches etc. 

Today no one really cares. There is no actual public sanctioned punishment for WS's. If a BS does do something to a WS, they are the ones that face charges and lawsuits that appear before the judge and they are the ones that get public shame judgement for being psycho or for stalking or being vengeful. 

Statistically most BS's end up staying married to the WS so there really isn't even the price of divorce for most. Other than hurting the BS's feelings, there really is no actual price to be paid for a WS. And if one happens to be a narcissist or sociopath, then even hurting the BS's feelings has no actual cost to them. 

So whether there is actually "more" cheating going on, I do not know as there are probably no actual statistics or research from days gone by. 

But there definitely is a lower cost for it today.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think my thinking was, thanks to technology, even the SAHM’s can search out and hook up with their high school hookups. It’s only one click away. You just didn’t have that in the 1990’s. Your point about it being easy to get caught is well taken. It’s the only line of defense people like us have anymore.


Another argument for having a spouse with a very low "body count"?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Never trust anyone 100%.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think my thinking was, thanks to technology, even the SAHM’s can search out and hook up with their high school hookups. It’s only one click away. You just didn’t have that in the 1990’s. Your point about it being easy to get caught is well taken. It’s the only line of defense people like us have anymore.


What electronics do in general is make things less physically laborious. Want to cook a meal, you can gather firewood, burn it down to good cooking coals and cook your food in a pot over the coals stirring continuously. .... or you can throw it in the microwave and set the timer for 2 minutes. 

Electronic communication has kind of done the same with infidelity. It's made it quick and less labor intensive at our finger tips. 

Back in my youth in the late 80s/early 90s, there were a number of WW's stopping by my house at various hours of the day and night. We didn't have cell phones or social media or email etc,,,,, they just knocked on my door when the spirit moved them. 

And I was single at the time, so some times they called first. 

But my point is, when they wanted to, they simply showed up. 

Now with electronics making it easier to contact someone, has that increased the number of times people actually hook up on the down low?? That's a reasonable assumption that the easier something is, the more likely people are to do it more often. 

But when it comes to sex, women have sex when they want to and don't when they don't want to. The lack of electronics did not stop them back in the day, and if they want a hook up now, they can get it with or without electronics just the same,,, so whether it's truly happening "More" today or not can be up for debate. 

What is happening is the electronic footprints and data are leaving a trail to the AP's doorstep today, where as back in my day, unless someone was being tailed or happened to be seen by eyewitnesses, there was no lingering evidence.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Oddly enough, I trusted my exH completely in this area. He didn’t treat me very well over the years but this is one area where I knew exactly who he was. I would like to say this is something we can sense/pick up on in other people but reading here on this forum has shown me otherwise.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

This kind of implies that you're trusting them not to cheat. I trusted my ex wife 100%. I knew that if she wanted to have sex with someone else that she would announce the fact. Much like when she announced that she was going to move out and live on her own.

My current GF is in the honeymoon phase and a bit of a recluse. I trust her 100% right now.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think my thinking was, thanks to technology, even the SAHM’s can search out and hook up with their high school hookups. It’s only one click away. You just didn’t have that in the 1990’s. Your point about it being easy to get caught is well taken. It’s the only line of defense people like us have anymore.


 I was WW in the 90's. The 90's were just as easy. In a way, easier. I perhaps couldn't easily find that guy from High School, but there was always a steady supply of men that made their interest known. And, back then, people interacted more in person. As a woman, men are always buzzing around online. Ignoring them is easy. Those guys who frequent the same places in real life, on the other hand, could work their way in.



BigDaddyNY said:


> Another argument for having a spouse with a very low "body count"?


Not necessarily. Over the years I've known more that had a low body count and cheated than the reverse. Especially common in those that married young and eventually got to wondering what they missed out on.

When my DH and I were having the whole history chat we were both relieved we'd sown our oats and were definitely ready to settle down.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> I was WW in the 90's. The 90's were just as easy. In a way, easier. I perhaps couldn't easily find that guy from High School, but there was always a steady supply of men that made their interest known. And, back then, people interacted more in person. As a woman, men are always buzzing around online. Ignoring them is easy. Those guys who frequent the same places in real life, on the other hand, could work their way in.


This is exactly what I was going to say as well. 

Before the internet, people interacted and socialized and recreated in the physical world. 

No matter what gender you are, 50% of the earth's population is the opposite sex so unless you are sequestered away in a convent or mountaintop monastery, there is opportunity there. The internet might make it easier to line up your tryst before leaving the house, but the actual opportunity is always there with or without the internet.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Another argument for having a spouse with a very low "body count"?


You're assuming people only hook up with those they have hooked up with prior. 

That is an erroneous assumption to have. 

People hook up with who they are attracted to and interested in the present tense, not necessarily those where they have already been. 

Yes people can and do periodically reconnect and rekindle with old flames, but I'm sure the vast majority of affairs are with people in the own current life presently rather than someone in their past. 

It does happen, but the lack of prior lovers is not insurance against current interests.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You're assuming people only hook up with those they have hooked up with prior.
> 
> That is an erroneous assumption to have.
> 
> ...


I was really only referring to the comment about SM making it easy to find an ex, much easier than 30 years ago. But you are right, they are only but a few of hundreds or more candidates for an AP out there.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I trust people to be people.
> 
> I trust women to be women and trust men to be men.
> 
> ...


I remember one guy who's wife was hot for an actor on The Living Dead, he was one that supposedly had some plan to save everyone in the group. Don't know who. But there was a party to meet the actors of the show. She flew out to where ever it was, Vegas or somewhere, he knew and was pleading with her not to go. She was like a moth to the flame and she screwed the acter during that weekend. Don't remember what happened with him. Don't know if it was here or SI. Probably there cause it seemed like there were some saying it should be a free by because it was an actor after all.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> View attachment 90886


Oh man! I have a bunch of VHS tapes with X-files!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Read the bible, it goes back thousands of years. Cheating is nothing new. The technology is just another method of communication.
> 
> While it does give people another means of communicating, it also provides another means of getting busted. In the good ol' days before social media, txt, emails, phone apps etc etc there was no electronic footprint or log of what had taken place while someone was out of the house.
> 
> Back then, if there were no eyewitnesses and no one was caught red-handed, it was pretty certain they wouldn't get caught.


But unfortunately the repercussions of cheating are no longer severe to the adulterers. No wonder so many do it. Might be lower instances if the penalty was harsh.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> This is exactly what I was going to say as well.
> 
> Before the internet, people interacted and socialized and recreated in the physical world.
> 
> No matter what gender you are, 50% of the earth's population is the opposite sex so unless you are sequestered away in a convent or mountaintop monastery, there is opportunity there. The internet might make it easier to line up your tryst before leaving the house, but the actual opportunity is always there with or without the internet.


There are a large percentage of affairs that are online, exchanging nudes, and, in my case, phone sex. None of that was around 20 years ago. That’s what I’m saying. The physical affairs are still going to happen with the coworkers, church groups, exs and the like. My point is now, even full time SAHM’s can run the house, get the kids to school, grocery shop, and then engage in her online play. Unheard of prior to the millennium. Thank you technology.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> I remember one guy who's wife was hot for an actor on The Living Dead, he was one that supposedly had some plan to save everyone in the group. Don't know who. But there was a party to meet the actors of the show. She flew out to where ever it was, Vegas or somewhere, he knew and was pleading with her not to go. She was like a moth to the flame and she screwed the acter during that weekend. Don't remember what happened with him. Don't know if it was here or SI. Probably there cause it seemed like there were some saying it should be a free by because it was an actor after all.


If it was SI, I’m sure he forgave her and took her back.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> I still remember my first serious GF who lived with me when I was 19-20. Back then, if you wanted to talk to someone, you had to call a house phone. No cell phones and no social media. I still remember the consensus opinion on opposite sex people calling your house to talk to you...it wasn't gonna happen. Does anyone else remember that? Like there was no way another man would call your house and speak to your wife on the phone. Nowadays, I barely know anyone that isn't entertaining at least a couple of exes, old flames, and some potential people via social media and texting. They even did a study about how many people were keeping backup boyfriends/girlfriends on their social media and it was most people. I honestly think most people are cheating these days.


Like that with my friends now, if you call someone or they call my house. You ask for the male or if female they ask for wife. If wife was not home, they were informed of spouses return time or message taken and disconnected. No carrying on opposite sex phone calls unless it is relative.


----------



## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

Well, seeing as my partner is my ex-husband who cheated on me when we were married, over a decade ago, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely trust him but I really don’t spend time thinking about it because I’m happy with our relationship now and who he is now (which is a much improved version of who I was married to back then). I know what he did in the past and I accept that it happened and am not naive, so that is on me and I’m willing to accept that risk at this time in my life. I was with a man who I trusted 100%, without question and I wasn’t nearly as happy with him.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> But unfortunately the repercussions of cheating are no longer severe to the adulterers. No wonder so many do it. Might be lower instances if the penalty was harsh.


There are place in the world where women are covered hear to toe in bedsheets and are not allowed to go to school or obtain employment and are not allowed to leave the house without a male relative escort. 

And actual adulterers are castrated and WWs are doused with gas and set on fire…….and there is still adultery in those places. 

That tells me that it is just part of the human experience and part of the landscape. It’s like ruts in the road that we all have to be vigilant for and navigate around periodically.

Most people are faithful most of the time, even without dire consequences.

But if it is perfectly acceptable for your in-laws to lope your balls off or douse you with gas and throw in a match if you cheat,,, and yet you still take that chance…. That tells me that drive to get with others is stronger anything a western, democratic nation can make laws for.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> There are a large percentage of affairs that are online, exchanging nudes, and, in my case, phone sex. None of that was around 20 years ago. That’s what I’m saying. The physical affairs are still going to happen with the coworkers, church groups, exs and the like. My point is now, even full time SAHM’s can run the house, get the kids to school, grocery shop, and then engage in her online play. Unheard of prior to the millennium. Thank you technology.


There is that but I think a lot of that is what I was saying about electronics making the world less physically laborious.

How much of that is actual affairs vs getting attention? 

Chicks have always gotten attention from men, even those they weren’t having physical sex with. 

But in the old days, they had to get all primped and preened and polish and go out and get it in real life. 

Now they can sit at home in their sweat pants and have their orbiters tell them how great they are at any time.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> How much of that is actual affairs vs getting attention?


Well, I don’t agree at all with this statement. You are minimizing the online interaction by calling it “attention” rather than what it is, an affair. You sound very similar to my ex’s initial reaction. People that have gone through this would also most likely disagree with you.
Aren’t all affairs attention seeking anyway?


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Never trusted my exH. He never gave me one single reason I could trust him. I divorced him because he had no ability to stop cheating.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

May be retitled? Because there’s so much more involved is “trust” in a relationship than just sex, but this seems focused entirely on just that.

Do you trust your partner to make decisions on your behalf? And vice versa?


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> There are place in the world where women are covered hear to toe in bedsheets and are not allowed to go to school or obtain employment and are not allowed to leave the house without a male relative escort.
> 
> And actual adulterers are castrated and WWs are doused with gas and set on fire…….and there is still adultery in those places.
> 
> ...


I bet the rates of adultry are not as high as in the states or other European countries.


----------



## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You're assuming people only hook up with those they have hooked up with prior.
> 
> That is an erroneous assumption to have.
> 
> ...


Thank you for making that point. I was sitting here confused because I wouldn't want to hook up with any of my exes, most of whom I am cordial with (amicable breakups, no drama). Nor can I think of any friends who have the slightest yen for their exes.

Something new and exciting would present far more temptation than an old well-worn (and not very scenic) path.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

To everyone talking about how easy it was to cheat back in the 90's or whenever when you were younger, of course it was....you were younger! When I was 22 years old and in great shape with a ton of friends like most younger people, it was easier for me to get laid too. When I was younger, I felt like I had to fight to get some of those women away from me opposed to now when it's almost an event when a new woman shows interest. It's not because cheating was easier back then, it's because you were younger, hotter, and knew more people.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> Well, I don’t agree at all with this statement. You are minimizing the online interaction by calling it “attention” rather than what it is, an affair. You sound very similar to my ex’s initial reaction. People that have gone through this would also most likely disagree with you.
> Aren’t all affairs attention seeking anyway?


I’m not saying that online activities are ok or that it can’t be destructive.

But I’m willing to bet that a lot of online stuff never leads to actual sex in the physical world. 

Lots of chicks just get off on being told how hot they are and how great they are and that deserve more etc etc by other men that they don’t actually hook up with.

A lot of it is online orbiters but when push comes to shove they back down and say they weren’t really going to hook up with them. 

It’s all a mindf..k. 

The orbiters are there at the ready in case she does decide to pull the trigger and perhaps at some point she may with some of them.

…but if she gets busted sending pics of her lady bits, she can deny everything and just say she got caught up in the attention. 

Maybe she would have and maybe she wouldn’t. 

But I’m willing to bet a lot of internet tomfoolery does not actually end up getting down in the real world. 

It’s really no different than a woman going to a meat market bar back before Tinder. 

She may have gone home with some hunka hunkas at some point on some nights, but for every guy that she actually had sex with, a dozen or more were approaching her and flirting her up and telling her how great she was. 

The same plays out on the internet. For every guy that scores, there are many orbiters circling around telling her how hot and sexy she is.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> I bet the rates of adultry are not as high as in the states or other European countries.


I would hope not or the streets would be flowing. …….oh wait a minute… the streets are flowing in those places.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> To everyone talking about how easy it was to cheat back in the 90's or whenever when you were younger, of course it was....you were younger! When I was 22 years old and in great shape with a ton of friends like most younger people, it was easier for me to get laid too. When I was younger, I felt like I had to fight to get some of those women away from me opposed to now when it's almost an event when a new woman shows interest. It's not because cheating was easier back then, it's because you were younger, hotter, and knew more people.


Yes people get older and greyer and wrinklier with age, but that just means that the people they get with now are older and greyer and wrinklier now as well. 

The point was never that it was "easier" to cheat back then. It's that people did not need the internet and cell phones and social media to cheat,, they simply did it when they wanted to and the opportunity was there.... no Tinder required.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Yes people get older and greyer and wrinklier with age, but that just means that the people they get with now are older and greyer and wrinklier now as well.
> 
> The point was never that it was "easier" to cheat back then. It's that people did not need the internet and cell phones and social media to cheat,, they simply did it when they wanted to and the opportunity was there.... no Tinder required.


You don't NEED those things to cheat but they sure do help. You had to at least work a little bit to cheat back in the day. Now, you just just send a Facebook message here and there on your locked phone and set up a date without your partner ever knowing. If you have an issue with your partner keeping opposite sex friends on their social media or texting them, you're being jealous and controlling. The cheaters are making the rules now.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have full trust until Aquaman shows up on our doorstep and offers her a huge swordfish.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> You don't NEED those things to cheat but they sure do help. You had to at least work a little bit to cheat back in the day. Now, you just just send a Facebook message here and there on your locked phone and set up a date without your partner ever knowing. If you have an issue with your partner keeping opposite sex friends on their social media or texting them, you're being jealous and controlling. The cheaters are making the rules now.


There’s definitely an infrastructure supporting infidelity being set up in the world. 

Secret phone apps, self deleting messaging, anonymous accounts, burner phones not to mention Ashley Madison and all the pro-adultery forums on Reddit.

We’ve gone from scarlet letters and stoning in the town square to entire industries created to promote and support it. 

What’s a lot different in the world between the scarlet letter days and today is there is very little public support for the individual to combat it.

Whether one will experience infidelity in their life is largely based on the individual’s due diligence as a partner, their partner’s moral compass and the level of temptation and opportunity that presents. 

No one can rely on the community or societal infrastructure to keep one’s partner out of someone else’s bed.


----------



## wolfstooth (10 mo ago)

You can trust anyone within limitations, even a psychopath.

I haven’t trusted my wife completely in years, mostly due to one of her small friend groups.


----------



## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Sadly, at 51, I don’t see myself getting into another relationship. The BS just isn’t worth it anymore.


Oh I hear you my friend. I have a lot of younger people at my work. Most are in college. A few of us are old timers. I'm 57. We have a pretty good group and we occasionally all go and catch a beer or hit a restaurant to get to know each other better. When we go to a bar, I see what is out there, for both me and my Ex wife. It is not pretty.

Very few men and women seem to take care of themselves very well in my observations. I have seen some very attractive women in public but they look like they just got up. Men are worse.. they look like they're up, they just forgot to put clean clothes on and shave.

The way they act is even worse...and I'm sure all of this is just a time bomb for someone trying to date on-line. I'm not even factoring in the baggage they have with them.

My focus is on me. I don't want to get near that hornets nest.


----------



## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> Well, seeing as my partner is my ex-husband who cheated on me when we were married, over a decade ago, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely trust him but I really don’t spend time thinking about it because I’m happy with our relationship now and who he is now (which is a much improved version of who I was married to back then). I know what he did in the past and I accept that it happened and am not naive, so that is on me and I’m willing to accept that risk at this time in my life. I was with a man who I trusted 100%, without question and I wasn’t nearly as happy with him.


Good for you. You show confidence. A sign you are right inside of yourself. Should your trust ever be breached, you have the confidence to move on. If not, your bravery paid dividends.


----------

