# Dating after two years single



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I've been seeing a man for a couple of months. I really care for him and want to try my hardest not to sabotage it. Because my relationship of 7 years ended, I seem to always be worrying about the other shoe dropping. I am filled with anxiety about him leaving me. I find myself attempting to do all I can to "fix" any issues even though it's not possible.

He's going through a phase where he's unhappy with his job, his home, and wanting more time with his children. He's told me several times to relax, enjoy us, don't get mired down in his troubles. He wants me to be a light in his life and to be the fun person that attracted him. 

How do I be that person when there is so much insecurity swirling around me? If I don't get a handle on myself, he will eventually leave.

Ugh. This is hard.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Ok, you need to breath. In the past three years I have met two guys I really liked. One of which I REALLY started to care for. I just kept telling myself that however things turn out, I would be fine because I had already survived the heartache of my divorce where I had so much more of me invested.


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Communicate! Let him know you are feeling insecure. Let him know you worry about losing him. Let him know you want your relationship to work. You should try to relax, lean back, and really look at what kind of man your dealing with. If he seems to be a good guy who can be trusted, then let your guard down a little bit and just be happy. Try to be your true self. You can't just flip a switch and be 'the light of his life'... you have to be you, and let things fall into place naturally. Don't try to to be what you think he wants you to be... just be who you know you are.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

HI WREN!!! 

I am glad to see that you are around TAM!!!! 

WREN you already survived a heartbreak....I agree with the others state your insecurity. But...you know you can't do it all! He needs to bring something to the plate and not just his problems!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

His issues aren't yours. Nor are his concerns. You have nothing to do with them ... at all.

Do not own or offer to handle somebody elses baggage.

Focus more on you ... not him. Sounds like you are with a sharp guy ... but a flawed one. But you're in luck, we're all flawed. That's important to keep in my mind. His issues are his own.

You should be focusing on the fun, on the enjoyment, on the opportunity to interact in a positive way with a potential partner. Don't hang your hat on this guy. There is no need to worry about sabotage unless you are wrapping yourself up in the relationship prematurely.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

be yourself. get to know you and enjoy what you do have. life, job, health, good spirits.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Did you do counseling through/after divorce? I suspect the man is picking up on some desperation from you--and that can put pressure on the relationship. You might benefit from trying to "fake it 'til you make it" as far as feeling more secure goes. Geez, it's a great opportunity to practice a new approach to relationships--one based on simple desire, not neediness.

Imagine the worst--he decides it isn't working for him. So what? You have been single for two years, you can do it again. I suspect your fear of being single means you didn't learn to embrace it, to love your own company, to trust yourself to take care of yourself, whatever. Counseling can really help with that. Some people are so afraid of being alone that they'll tolerate anything. That does not make the partner feel loved/wanted; it makes them feel like a crutch. Don't let that be you! 

Take one day at a time, and start thinking, "what would be fun to do today, with or without Mr. X?" Make plans. If you enjoy reading, you plan to stay home and read. If you think you feel like seeing a movie, you plan to see a movie. If you have kids, include them in your plans (ie, activities they can enjoy with you; you don't have to ask their opinion b/c that can add stress/expense, but maybe sometimes let them choose). If you find you *must* get out of the house everyday (like, you aren't a reader or don't have any home-based activities you enjoy), so what? Do what you want to do. Enjoy each day as it happens. Literally take time to smell the roses! Revel in the sun or the rain. Just a few minutes each day, appreciating what is around you (and, in my case, ignoring the mess!), can really help your attitude.

And if you are not exercising regularly, get moving! Nothing will help your attitude as quickly as a brisk walk or something more challenging (depending on your fitness). And of course the long-term benefits of exercise are even more positive! Good luck.


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