# Wife Gone - Please Help!



## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Hi everyone - 

I posted a couple times on here since Xmas, so to get a full background on "my story" please read my other threads.

A basic very short description is this: Just before Xmas my wife told me she no longer loved me in the right way and saw me just as a brother type figure, no proper emotional connection anymore etc.. She wanted to leave - I was dvestated. We have 2 children, 2 and 4 years old, and I really do love my wife and wantto make things work. I knew things had ben distant between us for some time, for the usual reasons, of docussing on busy lives with children, school, doing the house up, work etc.. We didnt have much support from outside so would never get any time alone. Communication became a problem also.

My wife is a vet "up and down" person and it is hard to know what mood she will be in alt of the time. She has been on anti depressants for a year for isues she had with herself and her parents - not getting on etc.

Anyway.. After weks over Xmas of hell as seh gradulaly vut ties with me and lived in same house, but very awkward, refussing to sit in same room as me, I felt like I had done something wrong..

She finally left me and took the children on 30th January, stayed with her parents for a couple weeks and then 2 weeks ago moved into rented accomodation, leaving me with the mortagage to pay and no money. We have managed to sort access arrangement to the children and at least I am still seeing them.

My wife has been having an emotional affair it turns out, which I guess due to our relationship drifting, this is why it happend.. AlthoughI am fairly sure it was actually more than an emotinoal affair. Last week she asked if I would meet the other man to talk to him about him meeting my children... All this a few week after she left.. I am finding it so so hard to cope with! My reactino was "NO"! and the children are so upset and confused by all this as it is, to meet another man just seems too much to bare for them so soon.

She is still relying on me heavily to help with the children as I haev always been very involved and hands on with them and I really am very close to them, when they stay with me they are happy and setteled, when they are with her, she finds it hard to cope with them..

Even through all of this deep down inside I eel empty and I just wish I coudl have her back in my life. The reality is that she has a lease on this house for 12 months so no way back from that for the next year and I have been left in a financial mess. BUT.. I hold on to any hope I can.. Am I wrong for doing this? Some days I feel strong and positive, others, lke today, I have thought about her and him and I cant function I go into a mess. The past week or so I have kept more of a deistance from her, apart from things to do with the children, and when I have seen ehr I've been very postve and appeared like Im getting on with life to her..

On sunday She invoted me round for tea with the children as a nice thing for them so I accepted and it was lovely to all be sat together again.. The afterwards she just came out and asked me if I had any "female interest".. I flatly said no and that I couldnt even consider it so soon.. Why would she ask me that? It confuses me..

Then 2 nights ago I was at home about to go to bed, I hadnt heard from her or spoken all day. which took alot of my will power to do.. And I got a text from her saying something about parents evening at the school and then asking me how I was finding things now? I replied asking what she meant and she then replied saying "how are you finding things without me?".. To which I replied statingh that I was finding it hard as she had had an affair, I dont see teh children as much as Id like, but that I was coping day to day etc.. She then texts me saying she didnt ave an affair (lie) and then "do you miss me or just the kids? do you think you are a different person now?"

I replied saying that I missed the kids but I loved haviing them to stay and make teh most of my time with them, I also said that I do miss her as she was eevrthing to me but I have had to move on. Also said that I had changed as aperson because I have had to to... and that I'm just sorry it was too late.

Not heard anything to do with this since, all conversation since has been normal again about the kids and very distant..

Please someone give me some perspective.. What do you think that type of questioning is about on her part? What should or shouldnt I read into it?

Does the distancing and acting fine around her like Im moving on help.. will it maybe make her wantto come back?

The problem is, if she is now seeing this guy, how do I get through that excitemnt that they hav and show that Our relationship was right etc and things can/have changed? The other guy very recently left his wife and child under similar circumstances.. coincidence? who knows...

Will their relationship last? based on deciet, lies and with children involved on both sides...

I know I need to move on for myself, but she really is the one for me, thorugh all ourproblems, it was just neglect and taking things for granted.. I am so willing to change all that.. But she wasnt... HOw long do I hold out hope for her and what is the best way for me to give myself the best chance of getting her back?

Any advice really really appreciated

Tom


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I have read your other posts and have a few comments.

First the tough interpretations of what I see from the small window we have into your situation. I would find it highly unlikely that the EA hasn't passed over to a PA and probably did before she left. Your wife has lied to you on several occasions and shows little regard to your feelings or rights as a father. She does not respect you at this time. The behavior is pretty much one of a resentful and vindictive woman, I'm sorry. But the EA/PA probably has a lot to do with that. She is in the "fog" as many speak of here. Her view of you is jaded partially due to the relationship with TOM. He is her knight in shining armor but believe me that shine will tarnish as she moves into "real" relationship with him. Relationships that are birthed out of an affair almost always fail. If you think about it, their early development is done in a pool of deceit, lies and betrayal. A pretty foul place to nurture a loving union. Sooner or later those traits will surface in the new relationship also and one or both parties are left awash in guilt and regret. That is likely what your wife is heading for it's just the timing that you don't know.

Her emails asking about you could be a sign she is starting to regret her decision or she could be playing you for what ever reason. To make things more friendly if a divorce does occur or to simply be mean and play with your feelings. Or she could be genuinely concerned for you. Hard to tell.

Since she has moved out and disconnected from you the only thing you have control over is you. You cannot impact her with words or actions on the short term. 

As far as what you should do at this point, I think tough love is in order. Read Dobson's Love Must be Tough ASAP. If you think about it the day you went no contact with her, she reached out to you asking questions. That is the concept behind tough love. If you chase and dote on her she will run further away. If you stop pursuing she stops running and wonders why. Read the book and see where it applies to you.

Secondly prepare yourself mentally, legally financially for divorce. Part of LMBT will help you with this. Document her bizarre behaviors like moving the furniture out of the house. Organize your phone records and any texts or emails you can recover. Read up on your rights as a father and start to understand the laws regarding divorce, child care and such. Understanding the process will give you a better sense of empowerment and control in your life. 

Once you show her you are ready to move on with out her with an air of confidence she will take notice. It is also the healhy thing for you to do for yourself and you'll feel better with a little time no matter which way it falls. I'm not suggesting you give up on your marriage, don't leave anything in the tank but I think this avenue has a chance to bring her back around. Good luck.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

tomtom80 said:


> Hi everyone -
> 
> I posted a couple times on here since Xmas, so to get a full background on "my story" please read my other threads.
> 
> ...


it might sound harsh but u r not showing much self-respect and thats why she thinks what she's doing is right . 

For this same suituation I have seen most posters would suggest distancing urself from ur wife & no contact at all except its very urgent . The slight possibility of getting her back is only possible when u show that u r not bothered to get a cheater back in ur life .

I hope some poster who has similar experienece would help u .
best of luck


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## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Hey Best Player and Amplexor - Thank you so so much for your resonses, it is good to know there is support out there.

I guess I'm a bit mixed up as to hwo to act, I try tough love and it drives me insane and I worry about what that does, if it helps her move further away (if thst possible) then I play distant but still caring.. Its a fine balance I suppose.

If I was advising a friend or someone else I would say they had low self respect as you shouldnt stand for cheating, but its easy to say as I have found out and yet so hard ot so when you are head over heels in love with someone. I realise the part I played in our relationship downfall.. Although her many issues entwined with my side of things and spiralled to "dullness" and daily resentment..

I never would have cheated though and I really actually ironically thought we had reached a point where we coudl move forwad, stresses in our lives had calmed down and life was becoming good etc, which would have given us the time and space to breath again and be us.. But I suppose she was already halfway down the road of leaving.

I cant bear the thought that she has been physical with this guy, although realistically I guess there is a good chance.. she flatlydenies it but then she would! he has been on the scene in the past during a previous low spot we had.. Its like a leach that just comes out when he senses trouble.. Not a nice person or a real man in my opinion, but my wife (ex soon) obviously see's something in him.

Anyway.. A quick update... I had the children stay the night before last and that was really nice, I always look forward to them coming over as they are lovely to be around. Yesterday my wife sent em lots of messages quizzingme on how they slept etc.. which I replied saying fine (as they always do with me).. Then in the evening I dropped their stuff back to her house and sw them briefly, she offered me some tea to take away as she had cooked too much.,.. very "nice"...

I have the children this weekend starting today, so she dropped my son round to my house this morning for me to take him to school. She seemed fien but looked liek she had been upset.. After she left I sent her amessage to ask if she was ok, to which she replied saying "yes, why do you ask".. I jsut explained that she seemed liek she had been upset and that Im glad she is ok though... and a little bit later she text me saying "actually i dont feel 100%", to which I replied asking "why" she then replied saying "dont know, thanks for asking though"... I just said I'm there to talk to if she ever needs to and left it at that..

All very confusing to me. I have to admit though whenever I geta message or email from her my stomach and brain goes into panic scared of what it may or may not say, which is crazy really as she has caused me so much pain I dont kwno what else she can do.. :S

I'll keep you all posted.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

tomtom80 said:


> Hey Best Player and Amplexor - Thank you so so much for your resonses, it is good to know there is support out there.
> 
> I guess I'm a bit mixed up as to hwo to act, I try tough love and it drives me insane and I worry about what that does, if it helps her move further away (if thst possible) then I play distant but still caring.. Its a fine balance I suppose.
> 
> ...


see the problem is that she has caused u so much pain but she doesn't realise it because u r still being friends , exchanging texts e.tc so she doesn't think she has done any thing horrible . u need to show that u r completely detached & distancing ur self from her because she has hurt u badly . 

Right now she trying to downplay her actions by pretending to be friends .
Although the possiblity of her coming back is very little , its only possible when she sees that u r man enough to not let her continue playing games with u & u can be much happier without her . Trust me in this process even if she doesn't come back , u will be much confident in ur life .

best of luck


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tomtom80 said:


> I try tough love and it drives me insane and I worry about what that does, if it helps her move further away .


If you haven't read the book, please do. There is a lot in there to help with the process. In the mean time whenever you are around her show as much confidence as you can. Show her you are OK with this and are now looking out for yourself and your kids. Good luck and have a great time with the kids this weekend.


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## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

An Update.. Oh how things change so rapidly, but I seem to be knocked back everytime.

Last week I ddi my best at keeping a distance, not replying to all text messages and not initiating contact unless it was about the children. The weekend before last this seemed to work well, and she ended up reinging me with some excuse but really wanted to tell me what she had been up to, a new tattoo etc. I wasnt really that interested and the conversation was short. However after this she started to demand the new proposal that I had fo her with regard to access to the children. I had basically worked out a way of having 50/50 nights between us. I said Iw ould do it asap, and she got abit funny, I had the children that weekend and it was yet anouther example of her trying to distract from my quality time with them. On the saturday night I put my son to bed and then she text me saying she cuodl pick up my proposal then.. so I replied saying I would leave it outside. ust as I goty downstairs and opened the front door to put it out the front of the house - She was there in her car! Impatient as ever. I gave her the proposal and that was that, I had a couple texts afterwards as she didnt understand it but there were no initial objections. On the sunday I took the children out for the day and I recieved a text from wife saying she loved the children and to give them a kiss etc from her.. Totally out of charachter and I felt it coudl be out of guilt as she prob spent the previous evening with the other man... ANYWAY..

later that day I took the children to the swimming pool and when we got out i had a missed call and mesage from her asking to collect her wardraobe... I replied saying that it had been a busy day and I wanted to enjoy putting the children to bed and then relax, I didnt really want to be lugging furniture around etc.. She got extrelely angry and threatened me that her solicitor would sort it etc... Not sure what a solicitor would do.. I told her a month ago that she could have it and I would help her to move it out etc,, but now she wanted it there and then and that was that..

Again, I left things...

The following week (last week) I was puut in contact by a family member with the wife of the guy that my wife had left me for. I rang her and we spoke for hours on the phone and then met up to talk and spoke for hours again. Words cannot describe how haunted and bizarre the whole situation was,, my wife and this guy had talked about doing similar things in the past and my wife had been a constant threat to this woman throughout their relationship, although it appears the other man was doing the chasing, during low points etc.. He was depressed, low etc like my wife, but he never bothered with his daughter or his wife who has a serious medical condition, he is basically a bit of a layabout. It also turned out that they have been waling around hand in hand for all to see, which I think is very offconsidering the children coudl bump into them etc. Also turns out that he actually went back and slept with his wife several times whilst he was starting his relationship with my wife.. so a liar as well...

There was a situation afew weeks ago where my wife said I could have the children on her weekend for a few hours as she knew I missed them dearly and she wanted to go and visit her nan who is very sick.. it turns out that she actually went and met this guy and wentshopping with him etc.. and was late back to get teh children and do their dinner etc.. hat made me mad.. 

So last weekend, on the friday my wife emailed me demanding the wardrobe and stating that the only time she coudl arrange collection was 7am Saturday morning, I said that it was too early as I had plans teh night before and that she can re arrange and I will help her.. she flipped again and basically threatened me with the children, my house, my pension, the divorce,, anything she could really. This threw me off balance for a bit - she was absolutely mad and nasty. All I was being was reasonable. And all this over a wardrobe!

On the saturday she text to say she wanted to be amicable,, after all of that the day before and then asked me if Id have my daughter one weekend in june on her weekend so she coudl spend time with my son.. I couldnt hold it in so i replied saying what i knew about the last time I had them on her weekend etc...

She was obviously worried as she sent text after text wondering how I knew and what else I knew..

In the end she mad me go to her house.. which I did.. I 3 hour converation ensued and it was actually nice to be open with her.. I told her exactly what I knew of her new bf and that his wife was actually a genuine nice person (as she thinks she twists things..) she couldnt believe it and then she started asking me strange questions like di I fancy her, is she super skinny? is she nice what she look like exactly blah blah.. all very strange. I also told her stuff I'd been up to, vistiting friends, hooked up wit old female friend etc.. She coudlnt beliebe it and said that it wasnt "like me" and that if I had been like that before it could of worked etc... Wierd!

Anyway.. That night she tect me because she was down about all the lies etc that had come out from her bf and not knowing who to believe... Next morning.. she was mad again.. as she had spoken to him and he had turned it all around on me and his wife, saying we lied and twisted things...

My wife again asked me over and basicaly crushed me.. I know I told the truth and his wife was genuine.. he had done all this.. I also know now from his wife that he has blakcmailed her to keep quiet about the sleeping together bit as it had upset my wife and she was gonna leave him etc.. so she wont back that up anymore and I cant push that as its not fair on her... It turns outthat on the Friday the whole wardrobe thing and anger was partly because she had fallen out with her new guy about it as he thought she was being unreasonable..

I spologise for the long waffle, just 2 weeks worth of stuff to get off my chest.. Where do I stand now.. well I kow he is a liar and is uncaring towards his daughter etc and yet wants to meet my children.. He is putting on aperformance for my wife to attract her and she has fallen for it... He has lied to my wife and while he was seeing her he was going back and sleeping with his wife... My wife has said that if that was true she wouldnt stay with him blah blah.. But I can no longer prove this as the other wife is scared of consequences to her and her daughter.. 

As an attempt to make their relationship work he has been telling my wife that our contact means Im not getting over her etc and so now she has drawn back from all contact with me apart from essentials.. now this is something that I probably need but I shoudl iniate! And now it is happening I feel lost and very very very low again, I cant stand the fact that I am now the other man, she is with someone else and I have no say in anything. 

To make it worse she left em "to be happy" and has got with someone that she has known for years and actually isnt half the man I am, and yet right now he is gods gift to her... how do I deal with this?

Sadly I do still want her back, but know it wont happen I think inside, I could not have done more and yet I lost everything I ever wanted.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

tomtom80 said:


> An Update.. Oh how things change so rapidly, but I seem to be knocked back everytime.
> 
> Last week I ddi my best at keeping a distance, not replying to all text messages and not initiating contact unless it was about the children. The weekend before last this seemed to work well, and she ended up reinging me with some excuse but really wanted to tell me what she had been up to, a new tattoo etc. I wasnt really that interested and the conversation was short. However after this she started to demand the new proposal that I had fo her with regard to access to the children. I had basically worked out a way of having 50/50 nights between us. I said Iw ould do it asap, and she got abit funny, I had the children that weekend and it was yet anouther example of her trying to distract from my quality time with them. On the saturday night I put my son to bed and then she text me saying she cuodl pick up my proposal then.. so I replied saying I would leave it outside. ust as I goty downstairs and opened the front door to put it out the front of the house - She was there in her car! Impatient as ever. I gave her the proposal and that was that, I had a couple texts afterwards as she didnt understand it but there were no initial objections. On the sunday I took the children out for the day and I recieved a text from wife saying she loved the children and to give them a kiss etc from her.. Totally out of charachter and I felt it coudl be out of guilt as she prob spent the previous evening with the other man... ANYWAY..
> 
> ...


and after all this I think u are still acting like a needy person. 
It was a good decison that u exposed her lies on her face so that she will not try to use these lies to manipulate things .

However how her relationship with other man is going or how he is using ur wife , or to prove that he is still sleeping with his wife , make u seem like u r still begging her , while she made it clear who she wants . 
This will only convince her more that even after betraying u she has not done any thing wrong & u r ok with being treated that way.

so u need to act that she has hurt u badly , & u r moving on . Distance urself , u dont want to hear from any thing about other man , she is treating u that u r the other man.
Get rid of her as soon as possible 

best of luck


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

My heart goes out to you man. I feel from reading your story that our stories are somewhat similar. Isn't it a pity that we dredged ourselves through all the crap before action could've been taken? But I feel we've taken a better path by posting in a forum like this. I know that now it doesn't feel "revitalizing", it certainly doesn't feel like that for me but I hope for the future. Whether its with my wife or not I think from being here I've become a better man & I hope that you too will feel like this one day. Read my posts. There is good advice given.


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

Also I found this list posted within these forums which might help you.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes


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## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks for the reply guys.

I can see that I come across needy etc from what you have said... and deep down inside Iguess I am.. I find this whole counter inmtuitive stuff very hard.. Like if I act like Im happy and moving on she will be happy that she made the right decision as she keeps saying "You will be happier now we arent together".. it does my head in as I know that he her shifting her guilt on to me.

Also, with the other man, I am crippled when I think of them together, but I cant stop thinking about it, it must be so exciting for them right now, the sex etc.. we used to have that but in the past year of our relationsip we drifted etc as she became distant.. But I hate the thought that he seems better than me right now, even though to me, it is all based on sex and just the thrill of a new relationship, whereas what she had in me was a really decent. honest hard working guy, who yea lost his way a bit in the relationship, but I was always doing ny best by her and my children.

The Other man has mentioned meeting the children but this hurts as he has a daughter who he rarely paid attention to, why would i want someone lik ethat being involved with my children who I am extremely close to and who are close to me

ahhh this is hard


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tomtom80 said:


> .. Like if I act like Im happy and moving on she will be happy that she made the right decision as she keeps saying "You will be happier now we arent together".. it does my head in as I know that he her shifting her guilt on to me.


So if you act sad, depressed and lonely she will what? It appears to me that your wife is a manipulator. When you stop showing her that she has some control over you she will stop the games and either move on or question her behavior. Either way you and she will be tied together for life because of your children. The sooner you take control and set your boundaries the sooner you will be happy and ready to move on.


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

Most nights these days I go through the same thing. The thought of another man touching my wife kills me too. Now though I scream at myself to think of my son when this happens. Not that its easy my friend. I'm dreading going to sleep tonight alone with my thoughts. I'm am here for you.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> So if you act sad, depressed and lonely she will what? It appears to me that your wife is a manipulator. When you stop showing her that she has some control over you she will stop the games and either move on or question her behavior. Either way you and she will be tied together for life because of your children. The sooner you take control and set your boundaries the sooner you will be happy and ready to move on.


op doesn't need to act sad or depressed but he shouldn't act as if he's perfectly ok with her actions . U are not . Dont let her get away without being told about her actions .

Tell her that u have been betrayed by the person u loved most . Tell her that she has stabbed u in the back and u can never want to be friend with a selfish person like her . Remember speaking ur heart out will help u get over her & u will not be carrying the baggage in ur other relationship .
Detach ur self as much as u can . There is no point of having small chats with her when she is sleeping with other man . 

U need to get rid of her as soon as possible to start a much better life with someone who is not unfaithful .


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

bestplayer said:


> op doesn't need to act sad or depressed but he shouldn't act as if he's perfectly ok with her actions . U are not . Dont let her get away without being told about her actions .


I would beg to differ. Part of the LMBT approach is to not try and sway or reprimand the straying spouse. The more you do the more they will retreat. It is when you stop and say fine, you do what you want but I need to get on with my life. Only when they turn their back and start to walk away does the offending spouse finally understand the impact of their actions. Sometimes they start to follow. In this case his wife pretty much shows she doesn't care what he thinks or says so what good do reprimands do? At this point being in control of himself and moving on seems the best course of action. IMHO.


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