# yes , no or maybe..any imput please



## misty111 (Nov 13, 2012)

hello everyone, long story hopefully cut short. husband of many years been having affair last 18 mths, bouncing back and forth, back and forth between his ap and me, i should have put my foot down earlier but anyway.... when he was home was no emotion, or very little, slept on sofa, the usual ..i dont know.. i dont rembember, a lot of the time i was very angry and he was withdrawn like a stranger to me, i think both of us felt uncomfortable with each other (before affair never like this) anyway 2 mths ago he went to her, stayed overnight... (no sex???) duh... i threw him out, we have not lived together since stayed here once or twice on sofa, im getting on with things , well im trying my best but i am ripped apart inside, he is living with her... spare room.. yeah right.. says he does not love her, only there because he cant afford a place of his own, loves me, and has told nobody that we have split up ?? what thats about is beyond me, he wants to bring me out for the day tomorrow and im totally torn by this half of me wants to go so badly but the other half of me says no are you mad or what ,any imput welcomed please


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have only one thing to say. As his wife you are due 100% of his AFFECTION and LOYALTY. I would look him in the eye and say "Are you ready to give me 100% of your Affection and Loyalty, and give NONE to anyone else? Because I'm not taking crumbs anymore!" 

If he's ready to give you 100%, and back it up with actions that SHOW he's giving you 100%--maybe you can consider it. 

If he's NOT ready to give you 100%, then the question becomes "Why are you willing to settle for crumbs?" and I'd say don't even consider less.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So, he had an affair with a member of the Sisters Of Charity? 

They're the only ones I can think of that would give a WH a place to sleep and expect nothing in return. 

Seriously, 
You may as well go with him. 

Listen to what he has to say. And if what he says doesn't include pleas (on his knees) for forgiveness, a pledge to remain faithful, and the host of other details a WH should shoulder (find them in the threads, or the newbie sticky) then you will know the reality. 

Say very little, make no promises. Don't be aggressive, or unpleasant. Listen. If you like what you hear then tell him you need a few days to think things over.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This was written by a man just change the genders as you read.

I do have one question, am I wrong in that it only seems women often let their man come and go as they please? 

The Healing Heart: The 180


*Quote:
Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything! *


You know the sooner you get rid of the trash the sooner things will smell better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW

See doctor for a little medicinal help

Great time for dieting since you are probably already losing weight

Get a new hairdo

New clothes/underwear

Most importantly, start exercising like a banshee. You can't think and weight train at the same time. The adrenalin and other hormones etc. released when exercising makes you feel better phsyically and more importantly mentally.

The good news? He has almost no chance of treating you worse than he is treating you now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know from what you have written that you will go & even if you don't show him that your heart is on your sleeve, you will feel that it is.

The smart thing for you to do would be to say 'no' and focus positively on yourself. His selfishness is directing your life. He is claiming the right to capture and hold your emotions, and ultimately how you live your life. He really shouldn't have that right, certainly not anymore.

I think life is too short for this. I would 180 and move ahead without him, no matter how hard it is initially.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

If he has ANYTHING at your house- pack it in garbage bags and send him a text telling him he has 24 hrs to get them then they are donated to charity. Then do JUST that. Tell him ONE time that you are not tolerating this anymore and he can have her.Then go completely dark. DO NOT speak to him, DO not answer his texts, phone calls, emails. Completely dark. wait and see what happens. Again, DO NOT give an inch unless and until he gives 100% of what YOU need. That includes immediate NC and coming home and into counseling ASAP and FULL transparancy. NOTHING less. Give it a certain amount of time, then file for D.

BTW, IF you believe for even 1 second that he isn't having sex with her......


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> If he has ANYTHING at your house- pack it in garbage bags and send him a text telling him he has 24 hrs to get them then they are donated to charity. Then do JUST that. Tell him ONE time that you are not tolerating this anymore and he can have her.Then go completely dark. DO NOT speak to him, DO not answer his texts, phone calls, emails. Completely dark. wait and see what happens. Again, DO NOT give an inch unless and until he gives 100% of what YOU need. That includes immediate NC and coming home and into counseling ASAP and FULL transparancy. NOTHING less. Give it a certain amount of time, then file for D.
> 
> BTW, IF you believe for even 1 second that he isn't having sex with her......


Him telling her that just shows how little he thinks of her intelligence.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Him telling her that just shows how little he thinks of her intelligence.


Not unusual for a wayward to play a BS for an idiot. Afterall, they are the smartest person in the room....


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## misty111 (Nov 13, 2012)

no i dont believe for 1 min they are not having sex , id bet my life they are and reckon id win, the house is jointly owned (him, me and the bank) as regards his stuff iv just put whats left here in the spare room , maybe i should ask him if his ... affair partner... partner.. mistress.. or whatever she is knows he is texting me that he loves me, misses me, wants to bring me out ..blah, blah, blah, or maybe ask him is she coming along with us


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

misty111 said:


> no i dont believe for 1 min they are not having sex , id bet my life they are and reckon id win, the house is jointly owned (him, me and the bank) as regards his stuff iv just put whats left here in the spare room , maybe i should ask him if his ... affair partner... partner.. mistress.. or whatever she is knows he is texting me that he loves me, misses me, wants to bring me out ..blah, blah, blah, *or maybe ask him is she coming along with us*


That's the attitude! Don't lose that sense of humor.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

misty111 said:


> no i dont believe for 1 min they are not having sex , id bet my life they are and reckon id win, the house is jointly owned (him, me and the bank) as regards his stuff iv just put whats left here in the spare room , maybe i should ask him if his ... affair partner... partner.. mistress.. or whatever she is knows he is texting me that he loves me, misses me, wants to bring me out ..blah, blah, blah, or maybe ask him is she coming along with us


Youre not understanding the symbolism of putting his stuff OUT. Talking to HER is of no help. If he wants her then he doesnt get YOU. STOP talking to him NOW. Its the only way. You are not requiring respect. You are letting him have you both. You cannot control him or her, only yourself. Cut him off unless and until he can committ 100%. Putting his stuff in the spare room still says to him he's got a place there.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Although I am only going to echo what good advice you are getting, at least I'll add my $0.02.

He's lying to you and playing you for a complete fool. Then, to make himself look good for appearances sake wants to take you out. That means he's playing you for a stupid fool.

I suggest you be neither.

Go to fb and let everyone know your husband has moved out and moved in with his lover. That he doesn't want people to know for appearances sake and you have not only been faithful but are divorcing him.

Then get an attorney, file a restraining order and get rid of him. 

And lastly, do good things for yourself. Like already stated, a new 'do', a massage, some clothes... get positive about yourself and forget this man. He has treated you badly.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

misty111 said:


> no i dont believe for 1 min they are not having sex , id bet my life they are and reckon id win, the house is jointly owned (him, me and the bank) as regards his stuff iv just put whats left here in the spare room , maybe i should ask him if his ... affair partner... partner.. mistress.. or whatever she is knows he is texting me that he loves me, misses me, wants to bring me out ..blah, blah, blah, or maybe ask him is she coming along with us


You need to blow this affair completely out of the water by exposing the two of them to whomever they respect. Your family, his, hers, their employer if they work together. 

ITA with the other posters - pack his sh*t up and put it on the porch. When you do, include a letter to him, telling him that you love him, but you will not share him with another woman. Let him know that you want no further contact with him as long as he is with her, as this contact is too difficult for you. Tell him that he is not to contact you unless it is to tell you that he wants to leave OW permanently and come home to recover your marriage. Keep the letter very concise - don't wander into finger-pointing, or long-winded diatribes about how terrible he/she is. Keep it loving and BRIEF. Less is more, here.

It wouldn't hurt to throw in a framed picture of the two of you on your wedding day, or on a fun vacation that you both enjoyed. You might also want to spritz your favorite perfume over his clothes before you bag them up. He'll smell it and be reminded of you. She'll smell it and be furious. 

Do you still have the texts he sent you about loving you? Forward those to OW at the same time you expose the affair to everyone. Let her know that you thought she might like to know that her boyfriend is being unfaithful to her. :rofl: He can gaslight her by telling her that you spoofed them, but the seed will be planted.

And Misty, once this is done, STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Do not call him. Do not email him. Do not answer the phone when he calls you. Don't open the door when he knocks. NOTHING. He's going to try to thwart your attempts at no contact, because you're removing part of his cake-eating equation. And that is EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. Don't derail your efforts by allowing him to get through to you. This isn't to punish him - it's to help get him out of the fog and back home. And that's what you want, right?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

committedwife said:


> You need to blow this affair completely out of the water by exposing the two of them to whomever they respect. Your family, his, hers, their employer if they work together.
> 
> ITA with the other posters - pack his sh*t up and put it on the porch. When you do, include a letter to him, telling him that you love him, but you will not share him with another woman. Let him know that you want no further contact with him as long as he is with her, as this contact is too difficult for you. Tell him that he is not to contact you unless it is to tell you that he wants to leave OW permanently and come home to recover your marriage. Keep the letter very concise - don't wander into finger-pointing, or long-winded diatribes about how terrible he/she is. Keep it loving and BRIEF. Less is more, here.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree: with EVERYTHING here!!! You have to get in the drivers seat Misty.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You did a good job when you drew a line in the sand and tossed him out.

He was living the cake-eating lifestyle. He got the comfort of a married life, and his sex with the floozie on the side.

You took away his cake (image of being a married man, home, comfort, etc.). Now, all he has is his floozie and he's getting hungry for cake again.

He's trying to wiggle his way back into your good heart for the sole purpose of getting back his cake.

DO NOT LET HIM IN!

All he has given you to go on are his words, which you cannot trust to be sincere. 

He can't even afford his own place? Doesn't he have any friends or family? Couldn't he move in with them? Nah...he chose his floozie's place. Spare room my @ss.

Why would you want him back?

Stay strong, girl. Don't let him bamboozle you.


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## misty111 (Nov 13, 2012)

the texts are still on my phone, wont forward them to that woman whats the point, more drama no.. had enough to last a lifetime and most likely id be made out as the crazy woman in all this (again ) im still not too sure about going out tomorrow, half and half decided will see what happens, its my birthday im sure she knows this so what the hell is he going to say if he goes missing for a few hours ? more lies probably


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Don't ruin your birthday by going out with him. Get together with some real friends instead. In fact, do not talk with or contact him at all. No texts, no messages. Go dark.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't ruin your birthday by going out with him. Get together with some real friends instead. In fact, do not talk with or contact him at all. No texts, no messages. Go dark.


:iagree: *QFT *(quoted for truth) :iagree:

If you go out with people who truly love you, whom you truly love, with whom you have fun and who make you laugh, you will have given YOURSELF the birthday present of actually respecting yourself. 

AND 

You will have shown him (not told him...SHOWN him) that you can and will survive without his "crumbs" and that you love yourself enough to enjoy your own company and you don't need people in your life who treat you poorly. 

If you go out with him, while he's living with another woman and giving you "crumbs"--all you show him is that you are desperate. That is not a place of strength. 

Misty, I know it's hard and it hurts and every fiber of your being wants to be with him and have him love you. Well... this is where the rubber meets the road. If you want him to love you, then show him what a woman you--show him your character and love yourself enough to endure some loneliness during this one day in order to save a marriage for a lifetime. Trust me.


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