# am I engaged to a child? am I just getting cold feet?



## FrenchGirl75 (1 mo ago)

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post, but I'm getting married in a month and I am freaking out. To remain anonymous I'll call my other half Jesse. Jesse and I met playing video games a year ago. I'm from Paris France, he's from St Paul MN. We fell in love immediately and called each other every single day. After a few months of this long distance relationship, he came to visit me in Paris... with an engagement ring. We drove to England (my second home, I used to live there so it had meaning for me) and that's where he proposed. We also drove to Belgium and Holland. This road trip was amazing, especially for him since he had never travelled outside the US. While he stayed with me in Paris, he was very messy, but to be fair, I did know that before. On FaceTime I noticed the mess. I say mess, but really there should be another word for it. You know those TV shows where a team goes to someone's house and cleans it and transforms it? That's the kind of house he was living in... with his parents. We had discussions about this a couple times of course. Because I'm the exact opposite of him (borderline OCD when it comes to cleanliness) and also because I like to understand people, understand the world that surrounds me. I wanted to understand why Jesse was messy and disorganized. He explained that his father was the root of it all. I won't get into his and his family's past traumas, there is no point. But that's what I was gonna deal with: someone messy, and not organized. To give you a couple examples, Jesse is the kind of person who left the drawer I gave him in my small studio ALWAYS OPEN. I can't explain it, it just HAD TO BE OPEN AT ALL TIMES! He also is the kind of person who will remove his clothes, leave them on the spot he is standing in, go take a shower, get out of the bathroom and go live his life without worrying about the clothes on the floor. Like a 5 year old. I did have hope that he'd be like his sister... She moved out of the house a couple years ago and now lives with her boyfriend. Her house is immaculate. Jesse told me that once, him and his sister tried to clean their dad's mess. They were shocked to find 17 tape measurers in one drawer, I mean who needs this many? And no he does not work in construction. He just accumulates sht, most of which is stuff that doesn't work and needs either serious repairing or to be thrown away. The sister moving out to a cleaner and organized space gave me hope that maybe Jesse also just needed to get out of the house. Now that he has, turns out, he's not like his sister. He is a messy person. Just like his dad. And now I'm questioning the entire relationship. Not only because of the mess but also because of other things. For example, he came to Europe to see me without any decent clothes. I'm not the superficial type at all, but he came with shorts that had oil stains, holes. Boxer shorts that were very old, too big and also had holes in them. On my end, I had gained weight and felt so self conscious about it. I'm talking bulimia, depression and agoraphobia here. So it was pretty bad. I guess you can imagine the effort it was for me to buy new clothes, different size. But I loved him so much I just had to. I wanted to be pretty for him. He never did any of that, he never tried to look good for me. I accepted it because I'm not superficial and looks don't matter. He's gorgeous, he is sexy so I thought, what does it matter that he's stylish or not? But it does matter. Not the clothes he wears, the effort he makes. What does it say about him that he didn't even try? I know he had bought a ring and a ticket to come visit me. I know he didn't have money, which is why I let that go. But now that I think about it, you don't money to try and look for your other half! I'm talking doing his hair at least. He never did that so he always looked like he had just gotten out of bed... 
On September, I moved here in Minnesota. We decided that since he was going back to school this year and I can take my job anywhere in the world, it was the best decision. Stay here in MN at least until he finishes studying, which is probably going to take 4/5 years. Moving to a different country is a LOT. Yes I have travelled a ton, yes I've been to the US many times, so it was not uncharted territory for me. But it's hard being far from family, friends, my city. So of course it doesn't help in the problems we're having. A couple days ago, I nicely asked if he could make breakfast the next morning, he agreed. I wake up, just needing coffee for now, so when he asks about breakfast, I say "maybe in like an hour?" We sit down, and an hour later when I get hungry and kiss him and say "baby could you please make breakfast"? He gets upset and rants about needing to do homework. We argue. He tells me I should have accepted breakfast an hour earlier. I tell him I always make food, I always cook and make him an amazing lunch box for work. I gladly do it because I love him. But that morning, when all I asked was breakfast, he got upset. Why doesn't he ever want to cook for me? He used to be a chef! When I ask him that, he replies "I used to cook for people all the time, I don't wanna cook anymore." I'm not people... I'm his future wife... It just broke my heart that he doesn't want to cook for me, at least once in a blue moon. It breaks my heart that he doesn't care enough to want to look good, instead he dresses like a homeless person all the time. Recently I found out the boyfriend of his sister hates him, for many reasons. One of them being because Jesse dresses like a homeless man. No offense to the homeless, I just mean, he's not, he does have the privilege of having a house, having clothes. He just doesn't care... Even after I spent so much money in clothes that don't have holes in them... 
On top of everything, he told me many times that he has a labor job, I sit behind my desk all day AT HOME, I should be cleaning and cooking more. He said this for the longest time and I would always kindly reply that I do work, even if I have a desk job. When we fought yesterday, I reminded him that I used to be a flight attendant. I was on my feet ALL THE TIME. After work I'd explore which ever city I was in, on my days off I'd ride my bicycle in the city, visit friends. I was outside and on my feet all the time, every single day of the week, on top of having a job that killed my sleep with different time zones and flying for so long. I still did all my cleaning, my grocery shopping, everything, with no help. 

I'm afraid that I'm marrying a child. If I do marry him... How can a grown man act like this? Not care about seducing me, when we've been together only a year? Not want to cook for me when he used to be a chef, until not too long ago? Not help clean and find excuses? Am I just getting cold feet because the wedding is getting closer and closer and I'm just stressed out? Is this the right decision?
I feel sad and alone, trapped in this house, I never go out because I don't have a car yet so I have to wait on him to be available and not too tired to take me out. I feel trapped. And I feel sick right now... so I'll stop writing... thank you to whoever reads this.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your fiancé is a man-child slob that lives with his parents. You basically moved half-way across the planet to be with the equivalent of a recently graduated high school student. Being good at Halo while living in your parents basement doesn't always equate into quality husband material. I think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What are your ages?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

RUN. It will NOT get better with time.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FrenchGirl75 said:


> Sorry this is probably going to be a long post, but I'm getting married in a month and I am freaking out. To remain anonymous I'll call my other half Jesse. Jesse and I met playing video games a year ago. I'm from Paris France, he's from St Paul MN. We fell in love immediately and called each other every single day. After a few months of this long distance relationship, he came to visit me in Paris... with an engagement ring. We drove to England (my second home, I used to live there so it had meaning for me) and that's where he proposed. We also drove to Belgium and Holland. This road trip was amazing, especially for him since he had never travelled outside the US. While he stayed with me in Paris, he was very messy, but to be fair, I did know that before. On FaceTime I noticed the mess. I say mess, but really there should be another word for it. You know those TV shows where a team goes to someone's house and cleans it and transforms it? That's the kind of house he was living in... with his parents. We had discussions about this a couple times of course. Because I'm the exact opposite of him (borderline OCD when it comes to cleanliness) and also because I like to understand people, understand the world that surrounds me. I wanted to understand why Jesse was messy and disorganized. He explained that his father was the root of it all. I won't get into his and his family's past traumas, there is no point. But that's what I was gonna deal with: someone messy, and not organized. To give you a couple examples, Jesse is the kind of person who left the drawer I gave him in my small studio ALWAYS OPEN. I can't explain it, it just HAD TO BE OPEN AT ALL TIMES! He also is the kind of person who will remove his clothes, leave them on the spot he is standing in, go take a shower, get out of the bathroom and go live his life without worrying about the clothes on the floor. Like a 5 year old. I did have hope that he'd be like his sister... She moved out of the house a couple years ago and now lives with her boyfriend. Her house is immaculate. Jesse told me that once, him and his sister tried to clean their dad's mess. They were shocked to find 17 tape measurers in one drawer, I mean who needs this many? And no he does not work in construction. He just accumulates sht, most of which is stuff that doesn't work and needs either serious repairing or to be thrown away. The sister moving out to a cleaner and organized space gave me hope that maybe Jesse also just needed to get out of the house. Now that he has, turns out, he's not like his sister. He is a messy person. Just like his dad. And now I'm questioning the entire relationship. Not only because of the mess but also because of other things. For example, he came to Europe to see me without any decent clothes. I'm not the superficial type at all, but he came with shorts that had oil stains, holes. Boxer shorts that were very old, too big and also had holes in them. On my end, I had gained weight and felt so self conscious about it. I'm talking bulimia, depression and agoraphobia here. So it was pretty bad. I guess you can imagine the effort it was for me to buy new clothes, different size. But I loved him so much I just had to. I wanted to be pretty for him. He never did any of that, he never tried to look good for me. I accepted it because I'm not superficial and looks don't matter. He's gorgeous, he is sexy so I thought, what does it matter that he's stylish or not? But it does matter. Not the clothes he wears, the effort he makes. What does it say about him that he didn't even try? I know he had bought a ring and a ticket to come visit me. I know he didn't have money, which is why I let that go. But now that I think about it, you don't money to try and look for your other half! I'm talking doing his hair at least. He never did that so he always looked like he had just gotten out of bed...
> On September, I moved here in Minnesota. We decided that since he was going back to school this year and I can take my job anywhere in the world, it was the best decision. Stay here in MN at least until he finishes studying, which is probably going to take 4/5 years. Moving to a different country is a LOT. Yes I have travelled a ton, yes I've been to the US many times, so it was not uncharted territory for me. But it's hard being far from family, friends, my city. So of course it doesn't help in the problems we're having. A couple days ago, I nicely asked if he could make breakfast the next morning, he agreed. I wake up, just needing coffee for now, so when he asks about breakfast, I say "maybe in like an hour?" We sit down, and an hour later when I get hungry and kiss him and say "baby could you please make breakfast"? He gets upset and rants about needing to do homework. We argue. He tells me I should have accepted breakfast an hour earlier. I tell him I always make food, I always cook and make him an amazing lunch box for work. I gladly do it because I love him. But that morning, when all I asked was breakfast, he got upset. Why doesn't he ever want to cook for me? He used to be a chef! When I ask him that, he replies "I used to cook for people all the time, I don't wanna cook anymore." I'm not people... I'm his future wife... It just broke my heart that he doesn't want to cook for me, at least once in a blue moon. It breaks my heart that he doesn't care enough to want to look good, instead he dresses like a homeless person all the time. Recently I found out the boyfriend of his sister hates him, for many reasons. One of them being because Jesse dresses like a homeless man. No offense to the homeless, I just mean, he's not, he does have the privilege of having a house, having clothes. He just doesn't care... Even after I spent so much money in clothes that don't have holes in them...
> On top of everything, he told me many times that he has a labor job, I sit behind my desk all day AT HOME, I should be cleaning and cooking more. He said this for the longest time and I would always kindly reply that I do work, even if I have a desk job. When we fought yesterday, I reminded him that I used to be a flight attendant. I was on my feet ALL THE TIME. After work I'd explore which ever city I was in, on my days off I'd ride my bicycle in the city, visit friends. I was outside and on my feet all the time, every single day of the week, on top of having a job that killed my sleep with different time zones and flying for so long. I still did all my cleaning, my grocery shopping, everything, with no help.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to say but you really need to re-think this relationship.

You will get the boy that you are marrying.

Are you expecting him to change for you? When he won't even make the effort _now_, when he _should_ be making extra ordinary efforts?

Nope, sorry... you need to find someone more compatible.

All of those points you listed need to be closer to your expectation. You sound level-headed, I think you know that nobody is perfect. But _effort_ counts a LOT.

Find someone else and leave this guy at home with mommy.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

FrenchGirl75 said:


> Sorry this is probably going to be a long post, but I'm getting married in a month and I am freaking out. To remain anonymous I'll call my other half Jesse. Jesse and I met playing video games a year ago. I'm from Paris France, he's from St Paul MN. We fell in love immediately and called each other every single day. After a few months of this long distance relationship, he came to visit me in Paris... with an engagement ring. We drove to England (my second home, I used to live there so it had meaning for me) and that's where he proposed. We also drove to Belgium and Holland. This road trip was amazing, especially for him since he had never travelled outside the US. While he stayed with me in Paris, he was very messy, but to be fair, I did know that before. On FaceTime I noticed the mess. I say mess, but really there should be another word for it. You know those TV shows where a team goes to someone's house and cleans it and transforms it? That's the kind of house he was living in... with his parents. We had discussions about this a couple times of course. Because I'm the exact opposite of him (borderline OCD when it comes to cleanliness) and also because I like to understand people, understand the world that surrounds me. I wanted to understand why Jesse was messy and disorganized. He explained that his father was the root of it all. I won't get into his and his family's past traumas, there is no point. But that's what I was gonna deal with: someone messy, and not organized. To give you a couple examples, Jesse is the kind of person who left the drawer I gave him in my small studio ALWAYS OPEN. I can't explain it, it just HAD TO BE OPEN AT ALL TIMES! He also is the kind of person who will remove his clothes, leave them on the spot he is standing in, go take a shower, get out of the bathroom and go live his life without worrying about the clothes on the floor. Like a 5 year old. I did have hope that he'd be like his sister... She moved out of the house a couple years ago and now lives with her boyfriend. Her house is immaculate. Jesse told me that once, him and his sister tried to clean their dad's mess. They were shocked to find 17 tape measurers in one drawer, I mean who needs this many? And no he does not work in construction. He just accumulates sht, most of which is stuff that doesn't work and needs either serious repairing or to be thrown away. The sister moving out to a cleaner and organized space gave me hope that maybe Jesse also just needed to get out of the house. Now that he has, turns out, he's not like his sister. He is a messy person. Just like his dad. And now I'm questioning the entire relationship. Not only because of the mess but also because of other things. For example, he came to Europe to see me without any decent clothes. I'm not the superficial type at all, but he came with shorts that had oil stains, holes. Boxer shorts that were very old, too big and also had holes in them. On my end, I had gained weight and felt so self conscious about it. I'm talking bulimia, depression and agoraphobia here. So it was pretty bad. I guess you can imagine the effort it was for me to buy new clothes, different size. But I loved him so much I just had to. I wanted to be pretty for him. He never did any of that, he never tried to look good for me. I accepted it because I'm not superficial and looks don't matter. He's gorgeous, he is sexy so I thought, what does it matter that he's stylish or not? But it does matter. Not the clothes he wears, the effort he makes. What does it say about him that he didn't even try? I know he had bought a ring and a ticket to come visit me. I know he didn't have money, which is why I let that go. But now that I think about it, you don't money to try and look for your other half! I'm talking doing his hair at least. He never did that so he always looked like he had just gotten out of bed...
> On September, I moved here in Minnesota. We decided that since he was going back to school this year and I can take my job anywhere in the world, it was the best decision. Stay here in MN at least until he finishes studying, which is probably going to take 4/5 years. Moving to a different country is a LOT. Yes I have travelled a ton, yes I've been to the US many times, so it was not uncharted territory for me. But it's hard being far from family, friends, my city. So of course it doesn't help in the problems we're having. A couple days ago, I nicely asked if he could make breakfast the next morning, he agreed. I wake up, just needing coffee for now, so when he asks about breakfast, I say "maybe in like an hour?" We sit down, and an hour later when I get hungry and kiss him and say "baby could you please make breakfast"? He gets upset and rants about needing to do homework. We argue. He tells me I should have accepted breakfast an hour earlier. I tell him I always make food, I always cook and make him an amazing lunch box for work. I gladly do it because I love him. But that morning, when all I asked was breakfast, he got upset. Why doesn't he ever want to cook for me? He used to be a chef! When I ask him that, he replies "I used to cook for people all the time, I don't wanna cook anymore." I'm not people... I'm his future wife... It just broke my heart that he doesn't want to cook for me, at least once in a blue moon. It breaks my heart that he doesn't care enough to want to look good, instead he dresses like a homeless person all the time. Recently I found out the boyfriend of his sister hates him, for many reasons. One of them being because Jesse dresses like a homeless man. No offense to the homeless, I just mean, he's not, he does have the privilege of having a house, having clothes. He just doesn't care... Even after I spent so much money in clothes that don't have holes in them...
> On top of everything, he told me many times that he has a labor job, I sit behind my desk all day AT HOME, I should be cleaning and cooking more. He said this for the longest time and I would always kindly reply that I do work, even if I have a desk job. When we fought yesterday, I reminded him that I used to be a flight attendant. I was on my feet ALL THE TIME. After work I'd explore which ever city I was in, on my days off I'd ride my bicycle in the city, visit friends. I was outside and on my feet all the time, every single day of the week, on top of having a job that killed my sleep with different time zones and flying for so long. I still did all my cleaning, my grocery shopping, everything, with no help.
> 
> ...


Paragraphs are your friend. 

Somebody who is incessantly messy often have ADHD. Their mind is on the moment and they have difficulty doing more difficult things, if there are easier, or more enjoyable things, to do instead.
I would make it clear to him that his ability to learn to be neat is a condition of the relationship and that you will end it he doesn't become a neater person, because it will not get better as time goes by if you do not nip it in the bud right now. You can give him grace and pointers to help him become a neater person, but he has to be willing to do so on his own.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

UAArchangel said:


> Paragraphs are your friend.
> 
> Somebody who is incessantly messy often have ADHD. Their mind is on the moment and they have difficulty doing more difficult things, if there are easier, or more enjoyable things, to do instead.
> I would make it clear to him that his ability to learn to be neat is a condition of the relationship and that you will end it he doesn't become a neater person, because it will not get better as time goes by if you do not nip it in the bud right now. You can give him grace and pointers to help him become a neater person, but he has to be willing to do so on his own.


Agree on paragraphs. That was hard to read. 

There is no better time than BEFORE you get married to cut your losses, especially if you can already see the issues. It's kind of like hindsight, but with the huge advantage of happening beforehand. Call it off and go back to Paris. Sounds like you have a great support system there, too. I've been to MN and Paris. WTF are you doing in MN? LOL There will be plenty of other grown men interested in you who are not hoarders living in their parents' basement playing video games.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you are not willing to run -- because none of this is likely to improve -- at least postpone the wedding.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> If you are not willing to run -- because none of this is likely to improve -- at least postpone the wedding.


Absolutely postpone the wedding. You can't change this guy who lives in filth. They are called hoarders here in the states.

Live with it or get rid of it


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## FrenchGirl75 (1 mo ago)

WoW thanks for the replies! And thanks for reading and giving advice. A friend was telling me similar things. My fiancé doesn’t see how good of a person I am. Even his family said I “cleaned him up” at thanksgiving when they saw he was decently dressed.
tbh with you all, I feel not deserving. For many reasons. I’m really torn. 
He does have ADHD (good catch!)And I try to see my own flaws. I expect a lot, I don’t let things go. But this relationship is really freaking me out because I’ve never been with a man (child) like this before EVER.
postponing is a great idea actually… I’ll see if that’s possible with the venue. Buying time will maybe show him how serious these issues are.
To reply to the age question, I’m 39 he’s 31.
yeah I know duh… what did I expect.
My window to have biological kids is closing. I guess that’s a contributing factor to why I accept his flaws. But Jesse does have qualities, he’s kind and loving. But is he a good teammate… ?


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

FrenchGirl75 said:


> WoW thanks for the replies! And thanks for reading and giving advice. A friend was telling me similar things. My fiancé doesn’t see how good of a person I am. Even his family said I “cleaned him up” at thanksgiving when they saw he was decently dressed.
> tbh with you all, I feel not deserving. For many reasons. I’m really torn.
> He does have ADHD (good catch!)And I try to see my own flaws. I expect a lot, I don’t let things go. But this relationship is really freaking me out because I’ve never been with a man (child) like this before EVER.
> postponing is a great idea actually… I’ll see if that’s possible with the venue. Buying time will maybe show him how serious these issues are.
> ...


Can he maintain a standard to a clean home?
That is probably the measure I would use in deciding if he can be a good mate or not. If he can learn to not trash the home while you go out for the afternnon, the situation may be acceptable. Keeping the house clean may have to be your primary responsibility, but there is no reason that he has to double your workload.


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## lmucamac (5 mo ago)

DO NOT GET MARRIED. It’s easy to fall in love when you’re living in a fantasy world (traveling thru Europe). Do you really love him? You made a commitment before even knowing him. Now that you do know him, yore realizing he’s not the right person for you. Give him the ring back and move on with your life.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You lost me when you said you met a year ago. You don't even know this guy. Do not marry him.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Please do yourself a huge favor. Postpone the wedding. You are slowly finding out more and more about him. He is NOT going to change, and in fact as people get older they get more into their ways. You barely know him and what you do know if him isn’t pleasant and you watch, his treatment of you is going to go downhill quickly. It’s starting. He doesn’t respect your work, your time or your role as an equal. You really haven’t spent enough time with him in person to have developed a deep and lasting love. Not having pride in your appearance is very telling of someone’s attitude on life. One doesn’t have to primp but wearing stained and dirty clothes in public? That’s ridiculous. Think long and hard about what you envision in a life partner. The red flags are being waved fervently in front of your face. Look closely at his dad, because I dare say that’s who you’re going to end up with. Good luck.


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## Leavingyou (1 mo ago)

FrenchGirl75 said:


> Sorry this is probably going to be a long post, but I'm getting married in a month and I am freaking out. To remain anonymous I'll call my other half Jesse. Jesse and I met playing video games a year ago. I'm from Paris France, he's from St Paul MN. We fell in love immediately and called each other every single day. After a few months of this long distance relationship, he came to visit me in Paris... with an engagement ring. We drove to England (my second home, I used to live there so it had meaning for me) and that's where he proposed. We also drove to Belgium and Holland. This road trip was amazing, especially for him since he had never travelled outside the US. While he stayed with me in Paris, he was very messy, but to be fair, I did know that before. On FaceTime I noticed the mess. I say mess, but really there should be another word for it. You know those TV shows where a team goes to someone's house and cleans it and transforms it? That's the kind of house he was living in... with his parents. We had discussions about this a couple times of course. Because I'm the exact opposite of him (borderline OCD when it comes to cleanliness) and also because I like to understand people, understand the world that surrounds me. I wanted to understand why Jesse was messy and disorganized. He explained that his father was the root of it all. I won't get into his and his family's past traumas, there is no point. But that's what I was gonna deal with: someone messy, and not organized. To give you a couple examples, Jesse is the kind of person who left the drawer I gave him in my small studio ALWAYS OPEN. I can't explain it, it just HAD TO BE OPEN AT ALL TIMES! He also is the kind of person who will remove his clothes, leave them on the spot he is standing in, go take a shower, get out of the bathroom and go live his life without worrying about the clothes on the floor. Like a 5 year old. I did have hope that he'd be like his sister... She moved out of the house a couple years ago and now lives with her boyfriend. Her house is immaculate. Jesse told me that once, him and his sister tried to clean their dad's mess. They were shocked to find 17 tape measurers in one drawer, I mean who needs this many? And no he does not work in construction. He just accumulates sht, most of which is stuff that doesn't work and needs either serious repairing or to be thrown away. The sister moving out to a cleaner and organized space gave me hope that maybe Jesse also just needed to get out of the house. Now that he has, turns out, he's not like his sister. He is a messy person. Just like his dad. And now I'm questioning the entire relationship. Not only because of the mess but also because of other things. For example, he came to Europe to see me without any decent clothes. I'm not the superficial type at all, but he came with shorts that had oil stains, holes. Boxer shorts that were very old, too big and also had holes in them. On my end, I had gained weight and felt so self conscious about it. I'm talking bulimia, depression and agoraphobia here. So it was pretty bad. I guess you can imagine the effort it was for me to buy new clothes, different size. But I loved him so much I just had to. I wanted to be pretty for him. He never did any of that, he never tried to look good for me. I accepted it because I'm not superficial and looks don't matter. He's gorgeous, he is sexy so I thought, what does it matter that he's stylish or not? But it does matter. Not the clothes he wears, the effort he makes. What does it say about him that he didn't even try? I know he had bought a ring and a ticket to come visit me. I know he didn't have money, which is why I let that go. But now that I think about it, you don't money to try and look for your other half! I'm talking doing his hair at least. He never did that so he always looked like he had just gotten out of bed...
> On September, I moved here in Minnesota. We decided that since he was going back to school this year and I can take my job anywhere in the world, it was the best decision. Stay here in MN at least until he finishes studying, which is probably going to take 4/5 years. Moving to a different country is a LOT. Yes I have travelled a ton, yes I've been to the US many times, so it was not uncharted territory for me. But it's hard being far from family, friends, my city. So of course it doesn't help in the problems we're having. A couple days ago, I nicely asked if he could make breakfast the next morning, he agreed. I wake up, just needing coffee for now, so when he asks about breakfast, I say "maybe in like an hour?" We sit down, and an hour later when I get hungry and kiss him and say "baby could you please make breakfast"? He gets upset and rants about needing to do homework. We argue. He tells me I should have accepted breakfast an hour earlier. I tell him I always make food, I always cook and make him an amazing lunch box for work. I gladly do it because I love him. But that morning, when all I asked was breakfast, he got upset. Why doesn't he ever want to cook for me? He used to be a chef! When I ask him that, he replies "I used to cook for people all the time, I don't wanna cook anymore." I'm not people... I'm his future wife... It just broke my heart that he doesn't want to cook for me, at least once in a blue moon. It breaks my heart that he doesn't care enough to want to look good, instead he dresses like a homeless person all the time. Recently I found out the boyfriend of his sister hates him, for many reasons. One of them being because Jesse dresses like a homeless man. No offense to the homeless, I just mean, he's not, he does have the privilege of having a house, having clothes. He just doesn't care... Even after I spent so much money in clothes that don't have holes in them...
> On top of everything, he told me many times that he has a labor job, I sit behind my desk all day AT HOME, I should be cleaning and cooking more. He said this for the longest time and I would always kindly reply that I do work, even if I have a desk job. When we fought yesterday, I reminded him that I used to be a flight attendant. I was on my feet ALL THE TIME. After work I'd explore which ever city I was in, on my days off I'd ride my bicycle in the city, visit friends. I was outside and on my feet all the time, every single day of the week, on top of having a job that killed my sleep with different time zones and flying for so long. I still did all my cleaning, my grocery shopping, everything, with no help.
> 
> ...


Run away fast! Things will not change and you will end up resenting him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you’re engaged to a child and there’s no reason to think he’ll grow up after you marry him.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

If you want to marry him, fine, but please do not bring a child into a situation where they have to compete with their own father for who gets their undies changed, hair brushed, or gets the puréed pears. Thats not a fair situation for any kid to be in.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So you’re 39 and met him on a game. You sounded so much younger in your post. 

Have you been married before?


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Having a baby as a single woman would be less work for you than having one with him. I guarantee it. There’s a lot that you know that you’re not telling us because you know what we’ll say. So deep down you KNOW this is a train wreck waiting to happen. You DO deserve better. I promise. Problems NEVER get better with marriage and kids. You should still be in the dating phase where you see if you’re compatible. This engagement happened WAY too fast.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

slow down girl , 
he was wrong packing a ring to give to you the first time you met no matter how good you thought things were between you over the internet , you need to slow this all down I am not saying to through out the baby with the water , just to put off the wedding and give him and you time to see the real you


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If he's 31 & still this immature, there is very little hope. Don't waste your time. 

If you want a fixer up project, buy a run down house. With a potential life partner decide whether you want to spend forever if things are exactly like this forever.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FrenchGirl75 said:


> Sorry this is probably going to be a long post, but I'm getting married in a month and I am freaking out. To remain anonymous I'll call my other half Jesse. Jesse and I met playing video games a year ago. I'm from Paris France, he's from St Paul MN. We fell in love immediately and called each other every single day. After a few months of this long distance relationship, he came to visit me in Paris... with an engagement ring. We drove to England (my second home, I used to live there so it had meaning for me) and that's where he proposed. We also drove to Belgium and Holland. This road trip was amazing, especially for him since he had never travelled outside the US. While he stayed with me in Paris, he was very messy, but to be fair, I did know that before. On FaceTime I noticed the mess. I say mess, but really there should be another word for it. You know those TV shows where a team goes to someone's house and cleans it and transforms it? That's the kind of house he was living in... with his parents. We had discussions about this a couple times of course. Because I'm the exact opposite of him (borderline OCD when it comes to cleanliness) and also because I like to understand people, understand the world that surrounds me. I wanted to understand why Jesse was messy and disorganized. He explained that his father was the root of it all. I won't get into his and his family's past traumas, there is no point. But that's what I was gonna deal with: someone messy, and not organized. To give you a couple examples, Jesse is the kind of person who left the drawer I gave him in my small studio ALWAYS OPEN. I can't explain it, it just HAD TO BE OPEN AT ALL TIMES! He also is the kind of person who will remove his clothes, leave them on the spot he is standing in, go take a shower, get out of the bathroom and go live his life without worrying about the clothes on the floor. Like a 5 year old. I did have hope that he'd be like his sister... She moved out of the house a couple years ago and now lives with her boyfriend. Her house is immaculate. Jesse told me that once, him and his sister tried to clean their dad's mess. They were shocked to find 17 tape measurers in one drawer, I mean who needs this many? And no he does not work in construction. He just accumulates sht, most of which is stuff that doesn't work and needs either serious repairing or to be thrown away. The sister moving out to a cleaner and organized space gave me hope that maybe Jesse also just needed to get out of the house. Now that he has, turns out, he's not like his sister. He is a messy person. Just like his dad. And now I'm questioning the entire relationship. Not only because of the mess but also because of other things. For example, he came to Europe to see me without any decent clothes. I'm not the superficial type at all, but he came with shorts that had oil stains, holes. Boxer shorts that were very old, too big and also had holes in them. On my end, I had gained weight and felt so self conscious about it. I'm talking bulimia, depression and agoraphobia here. So it was pretty bad. I guess you can imagine the effort it was for me to buy new clothes, different size. But I loved him so much I just had to. I wanted to be pretty for him. He never did any of that, he never tried to look good for me. I accepted it because I'm not superficial and looks don't matter. He's gorgeous, he is sexy so I thought, what does it matter that he's stylish or not? But it does matter. Not the clothes he wears, the effort he makes. What does it say about him that he didn't even try? I know he had bought a ring and a ticket to come visit me. I know he didn't have money, which is why I let that go. But now that I think about it, you don't money to try and look for your other half! I'm talking doing his hair at least. He never did that so he always looked like he had just gotten out of bed...
> On September, I moved here in Minnesota. We decided that since he was going back to school this year and I can take my job anywhere in the world, it was the best decision. Stay here in MN at least until he finishes studying, which is probably going to take 4/5 years. Moving to a different country is a LOT. Yes I have travelled a ton, yes I've been to the US many times, so it was not uncharted territory for me. But it's hard being far from family, friends, my city. So of course it doesn't help in the problems we're having. A couple days ago, I nicely asked if he could make breakfast the next morning, he agreed. I wake up, just needing coffee for now, so when he asks about breakfast, I say "maybe in like an hour?" We sit down, and an hour later when I get hungry and kiss him and say "baby could you please make breakfast"? He gets upset and rants about needing to do homework. We argue. He tells me I should have accepted breakfast an hour earlier. I tell him I always make food, I always cook and make him an amazing lunch box for work. I gladly do it because I love him. But that morning, when all I asked was breakfast, he got upset. Why doesn't he ever want to cook for me? He used to be a chef! When I ask him that, he replies "I used to cook for people all the time, I don't wanna cook anymore." I'm not people... I'm his future wife... It just broke my heart that he doesn't want to cook for me, at least once in a blue moon. It breaks my heart that he doesn't care enough to want to look good, instead he dresses like a homeless person all the time. Recently I found out the boyfriend of his sister hates him, for many reasons. One of them being because Jesse dresses like a homeless man. No offense to the homeless, I just mean, he's not, he does have the privilege of having a house, having clothes. He just doesn't care... Even after I spent so much money in clothes that don't have holes in them...
> On top of everything, he told me many times that he has a labor job, I sit behind my desk all day AT HOME, I should be cleaning and cooking more. He said this for the longest time and I would always kindly reply that I do work, even if I have a desk job. When we fought yesterday, I reminded him that I used to be a flight attendant. I was on my feet ALL THE TIME. After work I'd explore which ever city I was in, on my days off I'd ride my bicycle in the city, visit friends. I was outside and on my feet all the time, every single day of the week, on top of having a job that killed my sleep with different time zones and flying for so long. I still did all my cleaning, my grocery shopping, everything, with no help.
> 
> ...


Why would you even consider marrying this guy? And please don't tell me because you love him. You're not going to love him once you live with him. He's not husband or father material. You're his new mother.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

You made a mistake in getting engaged to a man you did not know very well. 

And now that you are learning who he is, you are discovering you two are completely incompatible. Don't make another mistake and marry him. 

End this now. Go home (or wherever you please) and find a man who is on the same level as you. You can't make this guy into the husband you dream of, nor the Wonder Dad of the children you hope to have.


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