# Emotional Infidelity



## dazed&confused_txn (1 mo ago)

This is my story. My wife and I have been married for almost 29 years. I have had issues (addiction) with pornography since I was probably 10 years old. My wife caught me with magazines in the beginning before the prevalence of porn on the Internet. Once the Internet was available, it became worse. I tried seeking counseling once, but the counselor then was more of an enabler and said it was normal.

About 5 years into the marriage, I had a short-lived emotional affair that my wife discovered after the fact. About 11 years into the marriage, my wife found a photo of her sister I had saved to the computer. Her sister was a stripper. That was almost the end of the marriage. At this time, we had 3 children. We talked about it and went over all the hurt and deceit. She admitted to me then that she had had a one-night stand about three years into the marriage because I had not been giving her attention. We moved past this, but did not work through it. We did not do any counseling.

We had another child at year 14 of the marriage. Throughout this time, I was still having issues with porn use and wandering eyes. From this point, my wife was always suspicious and never really trusted me again. I had betrayed her, and she lost a lot of love for me. It got the point where she admitted about 5 years ago that she didn’t think about me when we were having sex. She refused to kiss me anymore and said it was a turnoff. She started counseling over a year ago to deal with other issues from her childhood and to deal with the hurt I caused as well.

I finally got the porn under control for the past 5 years. I have been going forward hoping that things would get better on their own. In my opinion, I have been the ideal husband. So earlier this year, about February or March, I tell my wife that I need more from her. I want us to be passionate again. She says she lost that and doesn’t know if she can get it back. I suggest counseling, but she says she is not ready.

In mid-July, we are having sex but during she says she is not going to “finish.” In an effort to get it over with, I rush through to completion. A couple of days later, she says she felt I was being aggressive and it made her feel used. In fact, she says she has felt used the past few years. She decides she needs time and doesn’t want any physical contact for a while. She says she needs time and space. This all sucks and hurts, but I do my best to comply.

So since July 15, 2022, we have had no physical contact or intimacy. She says everything else in the marriage is good, but she doesn’t think about or need the physical part. We started counseling, but she wasn’t ready for it and we stopped. I have pretty much been in limbo for 5 months. I have left out some details and other things, but I wanted to set up the background and get into what I found so that I could get advice and input.

I had a gut feeling that there was more to what I was being told was going on. I had even asked her if she was cheating at the beginning of August, which she denied. I had acknowledged my role in how my wife was and had been feeling. But I still had this gut feeling that there was something else at play as well. On Halloween, my feelings were confirmed.

That night, my wife was asleep and had left her phone unlocked; she had changed the password shortly after cutting off physical contact. I found texts and facebook messages between her and her best friend talking about one of my wife’s coworkers. From the texts, you could tell there was definitely an attraction there. When she woke up, I asked her about it. Her first response was to get mad at me for going through her phone, even though she has done this to me constantly since the beginning of our marriage. She then played it off as her and her friend acting like teenage girls and there was nothing to it. I asked her who the guy was (I already knew), but she refused to tell me and said it wouldn’t make a difference. This did not sit well with me, and I have had this unease ever since.

Things have slowly been improving between us for the past two months, but still no physical contact. I had still been feeling like I was missing something. After perusing this forum, I saw a post suggesting to look at google history. I did this a few days ago and found what I knew my gut was telling me. So this is the real timeline.
Wife starts new job in May. A couple of weeks to a month, she starts searching this other man’s name. At the end of June, she’s looking up topics about sexual tension at work and work crushes. In the beginning of July, she is looking up topics about older women dating younger men and should I get a divorce. Mid-July is the last physical contact and her telling me she needs time and space to decompress. Shortly after this, she is searching topics about how to tell if somebody is into you, how to tell make someone know you are interested in them, and the crusher…how to measure penis size.

At the end of July is where there are some messages with her best friend about getting mixed signals from her coworker. There are more searches about penis size and now she is starting to look at porn. Now she’s looking at astrology sign compatibility. This is the first week of August and I ask her if she is cheating which she denies. For the rest of August, she is searching for pictures of this younger coworker, looking up sexual attraction, looking up older women dating younger men; at the same time she is telling her friend she is done with me.

In September, it looks like she is finally realizing she is in over her head with this infatuation. Half way through the month, she starts looking up how to stop fantasizing about someone and why do I miss my ex. There aren’t many searches like the previous two months, but she is looking at more porn and occasionally looks up this person’s name. It is basically the same for the October, November, and the present.

A couple of nights ago, I tried to tell her I wanted to get past this attraction she had, but I needed to ask her some questions. She was more upset that I had found her history. She also admitted that she has been looking at porn because she gets urges and needs to relieve herself; even though she admitted earlier that she didn't need sex anymore. This upset me and made me do more digging which is when I found all the stuff from the early months. In an event where I was trying to move forward, her defensiveness upset me and I chose to dig deeper. Now I feel worse off then before, but I still want to work past this as it doesn’t appear anything physical happened. It was definitely, in my mind, emotional infidelity. I feel like when she tried to tell me she needed time and space to deal with the things I did in the past, she was using that to justify what she was currently feeling for this new person.

I guess I am just venting and looking for advice on how to proceed and talk about this with the wife. She gets so defensive when confronted and the discussions escalate into arguments. Arguments which she promptly chooses to end and never finish.


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## dazed&confused_txn (1 mo ago)

timeline I made:


5/1/22Wife new job5/13/22Search for male coworker name5/31/22Slender men with muscular physique6/7/22Origin of coworker’s last name6/7/22Search for coworker on US Phonebook6/26/22Sculpt away reviews6/26/228 sexual tension signs6/26/2216 obvious signs someone is thinking about you sexually6/26/225 body language signs a guy is lusting after you6/26/22Sexual tension sexual chemistry6/26/22Your body on love6/26/22Questions to ask your crush7/2/22More older women are dating younger men7/2/22Should I get a divorce7/3/2223 signs he secretly likes you but is hiding it7/3/22A guy secretly looks at you7/3/22Why are veiny arms attractive to women7/3/22Veiny arm image7/4/22Search for male coworker name7/7/22Male toned stomach7/9/22Outfits under 39 that are sexy without being too revealing7/14/22Best sex positions7/15/22Message to friend: Gotta let husband get some7/15/22Last physical contact7/18/22Is he trying to make me jealous7/18/22Compatible with libra woman7/18/22How to tell if you are being used7/18/22Being used to make someone jealous7/21/22DJ envy wife faked orgasms for 10 years7/23/22How to tell if hes into you7/24/22How to change your phone password7/24/22New gmail account7/24/22Sexy love in latin7/25/2216 definite signs a married woman wants you to make a move7/25/22How can you tell if a married woman is attracted to you7/26/22Is he just flirting or really interested7/26/22How can you tell if a man is just flirting with you7/26/22Married woman attracted to single man7/27/22friend message: talks about something sweet that made yall smile7/27/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time7/28/22How to measure penis length and girth7/28/22How to measure penis size how big package his fingers?7/28/22Text to friend about office games and not getting anything from coworker since yesterday7/28/22Friend responds: Until you know play office games, sweet guy likes you, you have choices7/29/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time7/30/22Average Caucasian penis7/30/22What is the average penis size by race7/30/22Average penis size white male7/30/22Top 25 sexy hairstyles for women that men find irresistible7/30/22What hair do men prefer8/1/22Pron 10:47 am8/1/22Do men like tousled hair8/2/22Do tall men have bigger penis8/2/22What actually determines penis size8/2/22Which zodiac signs are most sexually compatible8/2/22Libra and pisces compatibility8/2/22Pisces & libra compatibility is a match made in heaven8/4/22Waiting for text? (from who)8/4/22I asked wife if she was cheating on me8/5/22She actually told me she didn’t appreciate my accusation, but I wasn’t far off.8/5/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time8/5/22What does it mean when a guy friend send me heart eyes emoji:8/5/22Heart eyes emoji meaning from a boy8/6/22How to know when a guy just wants to hook up8/6/2214 body language signs that he definitely wants to sleep with you8/6/22What does emoji wink mean8/6/222 bedroom apartments8/6/22Signs your marriage is over quiz8/6/22Is it worth staying married for kids8/6/22Young man older woman romance8/6/22The 30 subtle signs your marriage is over8/6/22How to know when your marriage is over8/8/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time8/8/22What is sexual chemistry: - verywell mind8/8/22Love languages8/8/22Familycentre.org – 5 different ways to show love and improve your relationship8/8/22Can someone having lots of sex draw you in8/8/22Is he attracted to me or just being nice8/8/22Is he into me or just friendly8/8/22Sex, emotions, and intimacy: 12 things to know about attraction8/8/22When your body sexually reacts to a person8/9/22Friend asks if it was awkward when got back to work? Not egging it on, got scared for you, not judging, you’re a big girl8/10/22Signs a pisces likes you8/11/22Why having immediate sexual chemistry and attraction with someone is a bad thing8/11/22Immediate sexual attraction8/11/224 reasons why you should avoid affair with married women8/11/22Young man sleeping with older women8/11/22What does it feel like for a younger man to sleep with an older woman8/11/22Dating a man 15 years younger8/11/22How to keep a younger man happy8/11/2212 tips for older women dating younger men8/11/22Can younger men keep a secret relationship8/11/22The 7 types of affairs – the infidelity recovery institute8/11/22Young single guys who sleep with older, married women8/11/22What you must know about attraction – sexual chemistry8/11/22Why we feel instant attraction to some people, but not others8/12/22message to friend: Over my husband right now8/14/22When is a separation necessary8/14/22How do you know when to divorce8/14/22Marriagehelper.com when is it time to divorce8/14/22When to get a divorce: watch for 9 silent signs of separation8/15/22He young but still of age for you8/16/22Guilty about forgetting ring8/16/22Pisces men and sexuality – Love to Know8/16/22Pisces men in bed8/16/22Pisces male traits in bed8/16/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time8/17/22Latin women with Caucasian men8/17/22White men with latin women8/17/22How to stop thinking about someone8/17/22How to stop fantasizing about someone8/17/22How to get over a crush8/18/22Search for coworker’s name8/18/22message to friend: Don’t know if I want to be with him anymore, this had to happen been avoiding feelings, don’t think it will ever be same, love affection went out the door long ago, don’t want to work on it anymore8/18/22message to friend: My husband is an asshole, spent so much energy to end up in loveless marriage8/20/22Is it ok to sleep with a married woman8/20/22How to seduce a married woman8/20/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time8/20/22Everything you wanted to know about the male sex drive8/20/22What is the sex drive of a 30 year old male8/20/2210 alpha male body language tricks…8/20/22Body language signs of flirting8/20/22Does he like me8/20/22Can a married woman and a single man be “just friends?” - Evie8/21/22Workplace flirting signs8/21/22Flirty or friendly? 12 signs your coworker…8/23/22Mentioned bringing up separation to me8/25/22Average 50 year old woman body8/26/2220 signs a pisces man is playing you8/26/22Sleeping with a pisces man too soon8/26/22Single pisces man8/26/22Search for coworker on clustermap (addresses)8/26/22Pisces horoscope8/26/22Men with big penis9/2/22Search for church where coworker may attend9/3/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time9/3/22Search for relatives of coworker9/11/22Search for coworker high school graduates 20089/12/22Pisces and libra compatibility9/12/22Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh9/12/22No man shall separate what God9/14/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time9/15/22Pron 1:46 PM9/17/22Pisces and libra compatibility9/17/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time9/21/22Olvera boudoir9/21/22Why do I miss my ex9/25/22Pron 10:11 pm9/25/22Search for my name9/26/22Message to friend: Marital counseling today, just here with nickname for coworker10/3/22Search for coworker’s family crest10/4/22Pron 5:29 pm10/7/22Message to friend: coworker looks hot today10/7/22Search for coworker’s last name10/17/22Pron 5:40 pm10/19/22Message to friend: In office about to see my bf10/19/22Pron 7:34 pm10/20/22Search for coworker’s name10/28/22Pron 4:24 pm10/28/22Search for coworker’s name10/31/22Message from friend: I see you leaning into coworker and blushing (reference to work group photo)11/1/22Pron 5:34 pm11/1/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time11/1/22Photo search of coworker11/3/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time11/7/22Pron 9:20 pm11/9/22Pisces horoscope11/9/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time11/11/22Pron 4:48 pm11/14/22Bumble11/14/22Match.com11/14/22Bumble app11/26/22Pron 7:57 pm11/28/22Pron 5:46 pm11/28/22Pron 12:24 am12/2/22Search for coworker 10:20 pm12/2/22Search for coworker 7:33 am12/4/22Pron 11:37 am12/11/22MY NOTES: I wanted to get past what I thought was just an attraction between you and coworker, but you were really infatuated with this guy. You looked up a lot of stuff regarding compatibility, age difference dating, sexual chemistry, and white guy penis size. And you have been looking at quite a bit of pron lately, while I am right here waiting to try and connect with you. I am devastated. I am worse off than I was before. I wouldn’t have dug deeper if you had just been honest about what was going on. Instead, you deflected and put it back on me for going through your stuff and finding all this junk. You are also being very hypocritical in that you have done the exact same thing several times over the years. You say it’s all about what has been building up from the years, and maybe that’s true to an extent, but this also looks a lot like an infatuation that has made it hard for you to reconcile with your husband. The deceit makes it hard for me to know what is really the truth. I had actually written this scenario down on Thursday when I found you were lying about your party. It turns out that my gut feeling about all this was correct. In fact, as evidenced by your web history, you were contemplating this stuff about 2 months before you decided you weren’t going to let me “use” you anymore. I feel like I’ve been played for possibly 7 instead of 5 months.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your wife in no better than you, don't let anyone, especially her, make you feel otherwise. You both are cheaters, she's a serial cheat, you both have/had porn problems, she's made your marriage sexless, and she's not remorseful for what she's done. Don't be so sure she didn't screw the other guy. She had the desire and plenty of opportunity. I think this marriage might be DOA.


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## dazed&confused_txn (1 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Your wife in no better than you, don't let anyone, especially her, make you feel otherwise. You both are cheaters, she's a serial cheat, you both have/had porn problems, she's made your marriage sexless, and she's not remorseful for what she's done. Don't be so sure she didn't screw the other guy. She had the desire and plenty of opportunity. I think this marriage might be DOA.


I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> This is my story. My wife and I have been married for almost 29 years. I have had issues (addiction) with pornography since I was probably 10 years old. My wife caught me with magazines in the beginning before the prevalence of porn on the Internet. Once the Internet was available, it became worse. I tried seeking counseling once, but the counselor then was more of an enabler and said it was normal.
> 
> About 5 years into the marriage, I had a short-lived emotional affair that my wife discovered after the fact. About 11 years into the marriage, my wife found a photo of her sister I had saved to the computer. Her sister was a stripper. That was almost the end of the marriage. At this time, we had 3 children. We talked about it and went over all the hurt and deceit. She admitted to me then that she had had a one-night stand about three years into the marriage because I had not been giving her attention. We moved past this, but did not work through it. We did not do any counseling.
> 
> ...


Wow, what a story.
And that timeline...holy smokes!

First...your question :"_ looking for advice on how to proceed and talk about this with the wife_"
Answer: You don't. 

You proceed with your life by going to a lawyer and filing for divorce.

Your wife is not into you anymore and actively chasing other men. She's got her profile out there on Bumble, Match, maybe others. She's _trying_ to leave you. She tells her friend she's done with you.

Take the hint.

All this on top of the fact that she is a cheater with history, just like you. You got reformed but she didn't.

Move on. let her go to her new bf(s). She's done with you.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


The problem is your wife doesn't want to work on the marriage.


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## dazed&confused_txn (1 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Wow, what a story.
> And that timeline...holy smokes!
> 
> First...your question :"_ looking for advice on how to proceed and talk about this with the wife_"
> ...


Yikes! I appreciate the candid and blunt replies. I'm just not totally there yet. Like I said, I'm an optimist and the past couple of months have gotten better and her web history does show that. I think she searched those apps but didn't join them. I still have access to her phone. It sucks feeling this way, and I can see why some of y'all reply the way you do. Thank you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


So forgive her, that's admirable. But divorce her. Those are consequences and not related to forgiveness. It's call enforcing boundaries. "My wife cannot have affairs with other men". Boundary.

You want to work through it? Go ahead, take her to counseling. Oh yea that's right she won't go!

You have no choices here. Live with this and let her do her thing.
Or move on and try to make something new of your life.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> Yikes! I appreciate the candid and blunt replies. I'm just not totally there yet. Like I said, I'm an optimist and the past couple of months have gotten better and her web history does show that. It sucks feeling this way, and I can see why some of y'all reply the way you do. Thank you.


The past couple of months show that she's letting go of the coworker but expanding her search to include any other dudes out there. I don't call that an improvement.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Some people just aren't compatible. I'd say that's you two, and I'd call it a day. Too many things to try to ''overcome.''


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It obviously takes two to make a marriage work. You don’t have that.


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## dazed&confused_txn (1 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> The problem is your wife doesn't want to work on the marriage.


Yes, that is problem. One that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me. I don't think I will let that go past the end of the year.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stop talking to her.
From her standpoint you look weak and pathetic, groveling for someone who doesn't even want you.

Just step back, disconnect from her, start to think of your life without her.

Then head to the lawyer and look at your options.

Once you have your plan defined and initiated, then let her know.

That accomplishes 2 things:
-The shock of that happening is _sometimes_ enough to knock sense into the BS and they realize how serious you are, what they are losing, etc. There's a small chance that it could turn to real remorse. Then and only then will you have options that could end in happily ever after.

-Second thing it does is put you back in charge of your happiness and your future. It shows strength and conviction and purposeful actions. That's theme you will need to keep going forward no matter if you divorce or not.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Stop talking to her.
> From her standpoint you look weak and pathetic, groveling for someone who doesn't even want you.
> 
> Just step back, disconnect from her, start to think of your life without her.
> ...


Agree, sometimes you have to be willing to burn it all down in order to rebuild!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Captain Obvious said:


> The problem is your wife doesn't want to work on the marriage.


This is really the whole thing.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Your wife if living in a fantasy land that feeds her emotionally. That emotional high need to be stopped somehow. Let her know that you feel the marriage is on the line and that divorce is a direct result unless she starts to be open with all of her communication and transparent with her daily actions.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

The timeline sure sounds to me like they've bumped uglies a few times. If she expressed attraction to him, 98% chance a younger single dude jumped on the opportunity. Can you live with that? If not, you're wasting time & energy and should just move towards D.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

meson said:


> Your wife if living in a fantasy land that feeds her emotionally. That emotional high need to be stopped somehow. Let her know that you feel the marriage is on the line and that divorce is a direct result unless she starts to be open with all of her communication and transparent with her daily actions.


*At first*, she cheated on you with that one night stand, three years in, your marriage.
Later, it will show, she did not get a good look at, or measure of the OM's penis involved.
Or, maybe it did?

She did this _prior_ to your porn using discovery.
She physically cheated, long before your porn habits were discovered.

You never approached the line but you kept sneaking a peek at those babes on porn.

Of late, this wife of yours has crossed the line, with her work, mushy-crush.
She dreams of his flat belly, and maybe his perceived, stand tall, wiener size.

Is this coworker tall?

She believes taller men have longer sausages.
Why would she think this?
Maybe, those porn views of hers, pointed in that erection-direction

She has a penis fantasy.
Yes, because she cut you off, and she needs that porn relief given by masturbation.

She watches porn and sees that variety of sizes, with most sizes displayed, maybe, being larger than yours.
The fact that she does this, tells me she thinks yours is small.

In August, she has that final lookee-see at your size, and mentally compares it with what she sees on those porn sites.

Once that measurement is noted, she tells you she is not interested in finishing.
She finds the whole sexual act with you, a bore.

She got what she wanted, your size.
She does not enjoy sex with you and blames it, partially on your size.
She is not likely having any orgasms with you via, PIV.
Not, uncommon, if you read on TAM.

Not satisfied, and _frankly, curious_, she does a scientific look up of men's penis sizes and looks at white men penis size, black men penis size, average size, etc.
This is more common (with women and girls) than one would think.

She comes to the conclusion that it is not something one can know, _in each case_, except by hands on experimenting.
Porn has shown her what she is missing.

And, to be fair, porn has shown, what you, OP, are missing, also.

Conclusion:_ Porn does much more harm, than good._


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> timeline I made:
> 
> 
> 5/1/22Wife new job5/13/22Search for male coworker name5/31/22Slender men with muscular physique6/7/22Origin of coworker’s last name6/7/22Search for coworker on US Phonebook6/26/22Sculpt away reviews6/26/228 sexual tension signs6/26/2216 obvious signs someone is thinking about you sexually6/26/225 body language signs a guy is lusting after you6/26/22Sexual tension sexual chemistry6/26/22Your body on love6/26/22Questions to ask your crush7/2/22More older women are dating younger men7/2/22Should I get a divorce7/3/2223 signs he secretly likes you but is hiding it7/3/22A guy secretly looks at you7/3/22Why are veiny arms attractive to women7/3/22Veiny arm image7/4/22Search for male coworker name7/7/22Male toned stomach7/9/22Outfits under 39 that are sexy without being too revealing7/14/22Best sex positions7/15/22Message to friend: Gotta let husband get some7/15/22Last physical contact7/18/22Is he trying to make me jealous7/18/22Compatible with libra woman7/18/22How to tell if you are being used7/18/22Being used to make someone jealous7/21/22DJ envy wife faked orgasms for 10 years7/23/22How to tell if hes into you7/24/22How to change your phone password7/24/22New gmail account7/24/22Sexy love in latin7/25/2216 definite signs a married woman wants you to make a move7/25/22How can you tell if a married woman is attracted to you7/26/22Is he just flirting or really interested7/26/22How can you tell if a man is just flirting with you7/26/22Married woman attracted to single man7/27/22friend message: talks about something sweet that made yall smile7/27/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time7/28/22How to measure penis length and girth7/28/22How to measure penis size how big package his fingers?7/28/22Text to friend about office games and not getting anything from coworker since yesterday7/28/22Friend responds: Until you know play office games, sweet guy likes you, you have choices7/29/22Search for gym where coworker works part-time7/30/22Average Caucasian penis7/30/22What is the average penis size by race7/30/22Average penis size white male7/30/22Top 25 sexy hairstyles for women that men find irresistible7/30/22What hair do men prefer8/1/22Pron 10:47 am8/1/22Do men like tousled hair8/2/22Do tall men have bigger penis8/2/22What actually determines penis size8/2/22Which zodiac signs are most sexually compatible8/2/22Libra and pisces compatibility8/2/22Pisces & libra compatibility is a match made in heaven8/4/22Waiting for text? 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You looked up a lot of stuff regarding compatibility, age difference dating, sexual chemistry, and white guy penis size. And you have been looking at quite a bit of pron lately, while I am right here waiting to try and connect with you. I am devastated. I am worse off than I was before. I wouldn’t have dug deeper if you had just been honest about what was going on. Instead, you deflected and put it back on me for going through your stuff and finding all this junk. You are also being very hypocritical in that you have done the exact same thing several times over the years. You say it’s all about what has been building up from the years, and maybe that’s true to an extent, but this also looks a lot like an infatuation that has made it hard for you to reconcile with your husband. The deceit makes it hard for me to know what is really the truth. I had actually written this scenario down on Thursday when I found you were lying about your party. It turns out that my gut feeling about all this was correct. In fact, as evidenced by your web history, you were contemplating this stuff about 2 months before you decided you weren’t going to let me “use” you anymore. I feel like I’ve been played for possibly 7 instead of 5 months.


I can’t believe I read this whole list. Yeah, your wife is trying really hard to cheat, but it sure doesn’t seem like this man wants anything to do with her. She also stalks and Google searches like a 16 year old. Ridiculous. She probably sent him a note asking if he liked her. 

You need deep counseling and help for your problems, but also to move on from your wife. She is a cheater and is actively looking for the exit affair. Whether she finds a man to take her is beside the point. She’s pathetic.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP I think your best bet is to get aggressive here -- if you want to try to save the marriage, you tell her she (1) quits her job now, and cuts all contact with the younger man, and (2) gets into MC with you ASAP, (3) you now have an open device policy, no more passcodes or cheater apps, and (4) she dumps her friend, who is not a friend of your marriage. If she refuses to do all of these things immediately, then you will file for D with all haste. No mulling it over, no trial separation, no more time to "find herself," either she commits to you or you are done. 

Or, you can just find a lawyer and file, no further conversation needed. That's what I would do.

Why wait until after the new year? You won't be able to get papers filed until after Xmas anyway, but don't wait to set up consultations with three D lawyers in your area. Let her see you doing that, and work the hard 180. Take back your self worth and start driving the bus. Good luck.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

QuietRiot said:


> She also stalks and Google searches like a 16 year old. Ridiculous. She probably sent him a note asking if he liked her.


Agree, 100%.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> Yikes! I appreciate the candid and blunt replies. I'm just not totally there yet. Like I said, I'm an optimist and the past couple of months have gotten better and her web history does show that. I think she searched those apps but didn't join them. I still have access to her phone. It sucks feeling this way, and I can see why some of y'all reply the way you do. Thank you.


She is looking up hookup sites the past month. It isn’t getting better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> Yikes! I appreciate the candid and blunt replies. I'm just not totally there yet. Like I said, I'm an optimist and the past couple of months have gotten better and her web history does show that. I think she searched those apps but didn't join them. I still have access to her phone. It sucks feeling this way, and I can see why some of y'all reply the way you do. Thank you.


So, YOU can be an optimist, and YOU want your marriage to continue, but I hate to say this -- it takes TWO and the other half of your marriage is clearly done. If she still works with the guy, her EA isn't done and won't be.
You should at least get with a lawyer to make some contingency plans.

Also, YOU were watching porn, and you had an EA yourself (which IS cheating and sucks!), but none of that gives any good reason to excuse HER one-night stand. You both rug swept this instead of trying to really resolve the issues, hence the crap you are both dealing with now.
She is a KNOWN cheater, so there really is no reason to think she won't/hasn't done this again already.

Great that you got your porn addiction under control, so continue to improve YOUR life. You cannot make her fall back in love or really feel ANYTHING -- you can only control you. Get some plans in place just in case...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


why would you still wish to stay married to any woman who shut down sex with you and spent that much time and energy focused on another man? Time that focused on how big his penis is…
Seriously, she hasn’t shown you loving behavior for a long long time! Any time you have to beg someone to love you - it’s already over!
Face reality and know that life is way too short to stay in a marriage where your spouse is treating you like crap while they focus all their time and energy on OM.
Personally, I think she would have sex with him. Even IF she didn’t - she would have.
So the marriage is dead. You both didn’t treat each other right. And she doesn’t intend to do counseling with the right attitude (to own how she has participated AND to change her behavior). That’s why she won’t go - she doesn’t want to change anything.

can she support herself on what she earns?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I think it looks like she was having an affair with him and it ended and that’s why she was sad in the autumn.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> This is my story. My wife and I have been married for almost 29 years. I have had issues (addiction) with pornography since I was probably 10 years old. My wife caught me with magazines in the beginning before the prevalence of porn on the Internet. Once the Internet was available, it became worse. I tried seeking counseling once, but the counselor then was more of an enabler and said it was normal.
> 
> About 5 years into the marriage, I had a short-lived emotional affair that my wife discovered after the fact. About 11 years into the marriage, my wife found a photo of her sister I had saved to the computer. Her sister was a stripper. That was almost the end of the marriage. At this time, we had 3 children. We talked about it and went over all the hurt and deceit. She admitted to me then that she had had a one-night stand about three years into the marriage because I had not been giving her attention. We moved past this, but did not work through it. We did not do any counseling.
> 
> ...





dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.





dazed&confused_txn said:


> Yikes! I appreciate the candid and blunt replies. I'm just not totally there yet. Like I said, I'm an optimist and the past couple of months have gotten better and her web history does show that. I think she searched those apps but didn't join them. I still have access to her phone. It sucks feeling this way, and I can see why some of y'all reply the way you do. Thank you.


Wow, what can I say. You want to save your marriage. I would like you to save your marriage for the sake of your children.

If your wife was not hell bent on EA's and PA's, my advice to you would have been to initiate Senstate Focus exercises with your wife while you are not having sex. Link to Sensate Focus 
Exercises

Next once you and your wife had mastered those, I would have suggested getting David Schnarch's book Intimacy and Desire. Each week each of you reading a chapter and then later in the week discussing it and what you found motivated you. I did those things with my wife in a Sex Starved marriage and it made a huge difference. 

However, the problem is, as others have pointed out, it takes two to make a marriage. You can't force your wife to be monogamous, she is the only one that can do that and only if she wants to. You have certainly contributed to the problems in your marriage and driven your wife away by your behavior. 

Is it too late to save the marriage? I have no idea. Can you save the marriage without professional help from a marriage counselor? I have no idea. 

If it were me, for the sake of my children, I would try marriage counseling in an attempt to get through to my wife. I honestly think it is a long shot, but I would still do it for the kids.

I wish you luck. Your marriage has been in crisis for a long time. You have made huge changes in your life and the way your treat your wife, they just have been too little to late.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You said you had a session of counseling? What happened exactly? How did the counselor approach it?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@dazed&confused_txn I doubt you can make the marriage work, but you can at least be roommates so long as you are content with being Plan B and are willing to tolerate her lack of love for you and her lust for others. You're married to a dud. Over time you will be able to see what we're seeing here (hearing only your side of the story.) 

Unlike most people here, I do not equate an "emotional affair" (that I don't believe in) with a physical affair. She has NO right whatsoever to criticize you for any of your behavior in that regard. The marriage was over after the ONS, in my book. It sounds like she may have badgered you into believing that you are equally at fault in betraying the marriage. If you believe that, so be it. A lot of us don't. Just offered for perspective.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. *But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness*. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


Christians aren’t supposed to ignore the obvious and stick our heads in the sand. We are supposed to have confidence in solving problems. Also, turning the other cheek doesn’t mean laying down, being a doormat, and expecting all our problems in life to go away simply because we pray about them.

Signs your marriage is over: Your whole timeline. I’m sorry. You need to move in with your life. Your wife has zero interest in being your wife. She’d bang anyone that showed interest based on what you’ve written.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

After everything that you both have done in this relationship I would say from what your saying she is done. She doesn't mind living with you, family life but she doesn't want to be your wife.. you can either have an open relationship with her or leave but she seems like she is ready for something new.. sorry


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


If you want to fight for your marriage, you have to be willing to break it.
First thing that you should do is take charge. Go on offense. Shock and awe is your friend.
Study up on the 180, and implement it.
Get your affairs sorted, and lawyer up.
Have her served at work, right in front of her cohorts and superschlong. 
At that point, you have her attention. You will know what you have.
She either is willing to do what is required to save the marriage or she isn't.
What she did was more than looking at some porn. She was actively creating a template to end your marriage.
Forget your gut on this one point. It should be made incumbent upon her to prove that she didn't cheat. What I have read here is pretty damning, just on its face.
Make her make the case and do the work to prove that you are the one that she wants to be with (if you want to stay together.)
Stay on offense and see how it plays out. Frankly from what you said, I think you would be better off letting her go her own way, and just end it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

dazed&confused_txn said:


> I agree that we are no better than one another. But I am Christian and believe in forgiveness. Plus, I really do love my wife. I am the eternal optimist and feel that we can move forward. It might take a lot of work and marriage therapy, but I am willing and able. My gut tells me nothing physically happened, but my gut also tells me that if the opportunity had been there, she would have. The marriage might end up being over, but I am willing to fight a little longer.


I'm a believer as well, but it takes two to make a marriage work. It sounds like you spend a lot of time obsessing over your marriage, and that's not healthy. From a faith perspective, let alone a secular one.

It's great to be optimistic in life, but it sounds like you're more worried about what life may look like without your wife, so you stay. 

If your wife isn't Christian, or if she is one in name only, that could be part of the problem, because you're viewing marriage as a sacred commitment and one to sacrifice for, and she's definitely not on that page. 

My only advice to you would be don't put your wife before your faith. We aren't to worship our spouses. Not suggesting that you are, but it's bordering on obsessing.


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## Trdd (Jan 11, 2022)

You have been married a long time. Recommendations that you just up and divorce her are pretty ridiculous given that you are telling us you want a chance to fix this. . However, you have to realize that divorce is an option to take seriously and it may come to that. There is an axiom for infidelity that says "you have to be willing to lose the marriage to have a chance to save it". That's where you need to get to, imo. 

That means you take back the initiative. DO NOT do the pick me dance, it will not work. Show her the timeline you showed us and tell her that if she wants to chase this guy she can but not as your wife. You will not share her emotionally nor physically. For the marriage to survive, you need two people. Right now she is not on board so you are going to talk to a divorce lawyer to understand your options and you recommend she do the same thing. If she decides that she wants to work on the marriage seriously then you are open to that as an option. If she is not serious, then you can separate and then divorce. When you tell her this, define for her what serious means to you. No contact with this other guy, marriage counseling, indivdual counseling, reading the book Not Just Friends etc. 

Set up and go to an appt with a divorce lawyer one way or the other. Show her this needs to end if she wants to stay married. Be firm! The other thing is to share what is happening with hwr parents or siblings if you think they will not condone her affair or that they will help the marriage. The light of day ends affairs often. 

It is true that this sounds like an exit affair fantasy in her mind. But it sounds like it is only fantasy at this point. Bring the harsh light of day onto her fantasy. She may choose to leave you but I can guarantee this strategy will be better for your self esteem and for your chances at saving the marriage than the pick me dance.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, your wife was fully looking to attract her co-worker. I would assume that she likely eventually did and got ignored afterwards.

She was deceitful to you about all this as it occurred. She has no interest in working on your marriage.

I don't know why you are so bent on saving this so-called marriage, but if you are, the way to do it is the same as the exit strategy....file for divorce.... the reason for this is, you likely provide stability for her, when that boat gets rocked, it might a strong enough jolt for her to decide to make some changes.

She is not even admitting what she did or remorseful... she probably views you as weak for trying to convince her to come back to you after what she has done....

You need to let the idea that she already ended the marriage sink in.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Or maybe just send the co-worker guy the non-redacted version of the timeline?


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## aphroditie (May 23, 2018)

She needs help if she can find a good therapist. You need to enjoy each other or move on while both of you are young enough to do that. People often pick similiar problems in the next person and divorce is expensive and hard on the kids. I didn't notice how old the children or or either of you. Give a choice to fix it or divorce. Marriages are never really over even in divorce the disagreements go on and on. That is an observation of many divorces I have seen and I am definitely over reitrement age.


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## aphroditie (May 23, 2018)

omited "Give her a choice to fix it or divorce"


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