# A year post affair and it is making me sick



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

It has been a year since WH and OW started their 5 month online and 5 day PA. It has been 8 months since WH and I have been in R. Things have been going great, and we have made significant strides. I feel good about where we are, and I know he is doing what he should be doing. It has been very good even with setbacks (arguments and hurting). That is not what is bothering me. It has all come full circle, and I feel physically ill at times. Not because of us, but because I can't help but remember dates, conversations, arguments, things that were said after DD, etc. I don't want to talk about it any more w/my husband because we have already talked about it and gone over it, so it is not anything I need information on. It is information I aready have and it makes me sick to think about it. 

I already accepted that it happened and I have forgiven him (he still has not forgiven himself), and I am not changing that or how I feel about is. It is just these triggers one right after the other - dates - that bring everything back up. It sucks. It's not false R, its not me changing my mind, its not that I have had my head in the sand or not really realized what happened, it's not that I have any doubts - none of that - it just sucks. 

I feel like I am defensive and I don't want to feel like that. I don't have a reason to be at this point. I know I am strong and I am happy (all things considered) with our marriage and the progress and life we are rebuilding, but I feel at times that this is kicking my a$$. Is this normal for first year out and first cycle?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Its the cloud. 

Even in R, it doesn't just fade into the background. Its just gonna sit there day after day, especially in the beginning.

And nothing is really normal in R to be honest. People can tell you so, but everyone does R differently. 

Some people feel bad 1st year, and it lessens each year

Some people in R die inside a little bit each year.

It all varies.

Also, can you give me some more information? Are you feeling like this all the time or frequently, or just when the dates come up?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Just randomely, but more so last month and this month - I am a date person - organized - so I remember everything. Every email I read, every text, every conversation. A lot of stuff was going on around the time the affair started and through DD - then there were 3 DDs to follow because they started talking again. Then holidays - birthdays...a bit much at times. I feel confident that making it through a full year of R is what is going to lesson it...it is just making the rounds. We have already started - made it through some events and Halloween...I feel good about those and almost like I own those dates with my family again...does that make sense? 

I feel like every day that they were in the affair was stolen from me and I have to regain it by experiencing it with no affair so I can reclaim it and put it into my good memory bank again. Even my oldest's bday last year was tainted and I don't want to think about it because I know he talked to OW for an hour that day on his way home. We just celebrated her birthday this year and it was great. I barely had time to think about it and I feel really good - something great that we did together and I can look back at this birthday and have good memories. I think next years bday I will be totally fine. I just have about 30 other dates to make it through before then.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im 3 years in R with my WH and yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had a bill collector call me about a debt that I was disputing so I had to look back over 6 years of bank statements. I had to relive the years he was living away from home and doing his own thing, right there on paper. I was so sad and upset all day I wanted to run away! 

I dont think these things ever totally leave you, they just get easier to deal with as time goes on. To the point that eventually you dont even think about them ( I HOPE!).


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> It has been a year since WH and OW started their 5 month online and 5 day PA. It has been 8 months since WH and I have been in R. Things have been going great, and we have made significant strides. I feel good about where we are, and I know he is doing what he should be doing. It has been very good even with setbacks (arguments and hurting). That is not what is bothering me. It has all come full circle, and I feel physically ill at times. Not because of us, but because I can't help but remember dates, conversations, arguments, things that were said after DD, etc. I don't want to talk about it any more w/my husband because we have already talked about it and gone over it, so it is not anything I need information on. It is information I aready have and it makes me sick to think about it.
> 
> 
> I already accepted that it happened and I have forgiven him (he still has not forgiven himself), and I am not changing that or how I feel about is. It is just these triggers one right after the other - dates - that bring everything back up. It sucks. It's not false R, its not me changing my mind, its not that I have had my head in the sand or not really realized what happened, it's not that I have any doubts - none of that - it just sucks.
> ...


Could this be your intuition talking to you some how. 

I know my wife was this way while I was in my affair. She thought we were in R five years after learning I had been visiting a particular prostitute regularly. 

I stopped when caught, but five years later, lost control again and succumbed to a women who came on to me in a sexually aggressive way. 

My wife seemed down in the dumps and I thought she knew but she didn't. It was just her intuition. 

I hope he learned his lesson. I did not, and now I am living alone and miss my wife terribly.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im 3 years in R with my WH and yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had a bill collector call me about a debt that I was disputing so I had to look back over 6 years of bank statements. I had to relive the years he was living away from home and doing his own thing, right there on paper. I was so sad and upset all day I wanted to run away!
> 
> I dont think these things ever totally leave you, they just get easier to deal with as time goes on. To the point that eventually you dont even think about them ( I HOPE!).


I am sorry to hear this. 

I hate myself for hurting my wife. 

I am praying to god that there is a genetic predisposition to cheating to explain my compulsion to doing it again, even though I loved my wife.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'd say it's normal. I think the first trip around the calendar is the hardest because it's the "first" anniversary of anything associated with that date. The one year anniversary of D Day for us was a big deal, we turned it into a positive and productive day for us, but it was still very much a presence. The second anniversary of D Day we hardly noticed. We knew what day it was for sure, it just didn't matter much. 

I'm speaking for my wife here but I'm confident she'd agree that the second year is significantly better than the first.


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

From what I have read, it is normal to have these feelings on significant dates. I'm really sorry--that doesn't make it any easier. 

I'm only a day shy of two weeks after DDay, so take that with a grain of salt. But I have been doing a lot of reading.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes... Anti-versary dates suck. Still trigger me three years out. Also, just a head’s up. The second year can be rough. It’s the first year is just coming to terms at what happened and getting all the information. It’s when “the plan” for recovery is made. Rollercoaster and dealing with the trauma.

The second year is has a ton of reflection. Is the plan working? How do you feel? On top of that, you also start digging inwards... What kind of person am I that would take back a cheater? It’s also beyond that intense rollercoaster. So you aren’t so much just trying to stay sane, it’s thinking clearly without all that emotion. You will question the validity of the marriage again, particularly if your wayward hits a “comfort zone” and starts reverting to the old dynamics in the marriage. Your brain will be going: Is this it? Is this all he has to offer me now? 

Just keep the faith and keep talking. You don’t want that old marriage again.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hang in there. It'll get better come December when she is totally out of the picture and the time moves on. He is really trying it seems. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow will be a better day.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of LookingForTheSun (LFTS)
> Even my eldest’s bday last year was tainted and I don't want to think about it because I know he talked to OW for an hour that day on his way home. We just celebrated her birthday this year and it was great. I barely had time to think about it and I feel really good - something great that we did together and I can look back at this birthday and have good memories. I think next years bday I will be totally fine. I just have about 30 other dates to make it through before then.


LFTS
Get mad, I mean freaking fighting mad on those dates. Especially your child’s BD. I am not talking about getting mad at your husband (He sounds like a real truthful R person). I am talking about the fact that this stab in the heart day(s) are trying to take away your joy. When those dates come get pumped up, get prepared to do battle and just *force your mind to beat the shyt out of those evil memories.*


If your husband wants to help then tell him to make some GREAT memories on those days so that the bad memories are snuffed out. I hope that he realizes how important that is to you and helps you slay the dragon. If he is not able to completely do this then you do not stop with what you can do. After all, a lot of this is going to be on you to defeat the dragon. Fair? NOPE, but don’t think about fair think about WINNING!

On your child’s birthdays concentrate on all the good memories your child has brought you; the glow in your child’s face in the crib, the first steps, the hugs, all the warm times. Let those warm times just stomp the shyt out of the evil memoires that are trying to rob your victory and blessings from God.

Sorry for the cuss words but this is fighting fire with fire.

LFTS
I think that you and your husband are one of the bright shinning stars of this R business. You may get pummeled from time to time but you seem to have the evil of betrayal on the ropes and wobbly. Wipe the blood off your face and attack every time you are able! *We are on the sidelines cheering!*


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks all - good to know that I am still "normal" in this. I don't doubt us at all, and he has gone above and beyond on these "dates" to make sure it is great and filled with lots of happy memories and smiles and to show that he knows that while he can never take back what he did, he will try to replace bad memories with good. He acknowledges the dates. Next week - OMG - will be tough. The dates she was out here, the date I buried my brother...just a lot. I know he feels it. He sent my dad an email yesterday again to acknowledge my brothers death and to again apologize for everything. Betrayal is such an ugly thing and he sees it. I know he is dealing with his own triggers, some same dates and I am sure others that may stand out based on what they talked about. I know when he is triggering - over the last couple of weeks he will out of the blue send me a text saying how much he loves me and how sorry he is for what he did. I don't even ask, but just tell him that I love him too and to get back to work 

I am very confident that we will come out of this a success as long as we can make it past the first year. Like I told him from the begining, we will either end up a tragedy or a great love story. I'm working on the love story - I still believe in love, pain and all.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

...and Mr. Blunt - your post made me cry - in a good way - yep - wipe the blood off my face and beat whatever is thrown my way. It would be nice to erase the last year from memory - but I do have so many good ones with my girls and I can't ignore those even though they come with pain attached. I even have a lot of good ones with my husband weaved in there since true R began. Fight like hell and pray for a little bit of heaven


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ...and Mr. Blunt - your post made me cry - in a good way - yep - wipe the blood off my face and beat whatever is thrown my way. It would be nice to erase the last year from memory - but I do have so many good ones with my girls and I can't ignore those even though they come with pain attached. I even have a lot of good ones with my husband weaved in there since true R began. Fight like hell and pray for a little bit of heaven


AMEN sister!!! Had a rough night ourselves last night. So yeah, Im hoping for the little bit of heaven soon.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

I was having this EXACT conversation with another poster yesterday via PM. It's almost the same conversation! (Btw I like you're name better. I'd change mine if I could--I can't stop thinking about orphan Annie and that's not what I had in mind when I chose my name).

Hang in there. A lot of us are having these days. I'm the same re dates. If I can just make it through the next date... I think I may take a TAM break of two days, or a day, or maybe an hr lol b/c so many threads today, though full of good advice are just triggering a storm.

Hugs to all (and a HBD soon? To one poster.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> I was having this EXACT conversation with another poster yesterday via PM. It's almost the same conversation! (Btw I like you're name better. I'd change mine if I could--I can't stop thinking about orphan Annie and that's not what I had in mind when I chose my name).
> 
> Hang in there. A lot of us are having these days. I'm the same re dates. If I can just make it through the next date... I think I may take a TAM break of two days, or a day, or maybe an hr lol b/c so many threads today, though full of good advice are just triggering a storm.
> 
> ...


MY H hates, Hates Hates my screen name for obvious reasons I guess. But It came to me right away when trying to come up with a name. I was typing w/o thinking almost. It was weird. 

tomorrow, tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow....

And Thanks for theHBD. Next week. Kind of dreading it for obvious reasons.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Stop singing that song! (I'm laughing so hard!) (Did I tell you OW is a "stunning redhead"? (Her words)) What was I thinking? Little orphan Annie --such a peach. The whole idea was that the Sun would come out from this oppressive darkness. So eager to post that first time I didn't think it through. So HBD next week! And someday if your husband is really good you can ask a Mod to change your name to Itrustyousortof and then graduate to itrustubutiverify. Hope it's a landmark goodie!

And OP, the other Sun with a cool name, helps to know this carousel is one we're all riding. I'm hoping we're all off the ride someday soon. Hang in there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I think I have some broken stuff in my noggin.

I couldnt resist opening this thread because I noticed the OP was named "lookingforthesun" and the last response was from someone named "thesunwillcomeout" at first I thought, lol... how cute. 

Then that somehow transitioned to "I wonder if 'the sun will come out' was a user profile made by the DS to influence whoever 'looking for the sun' is....

Fruck, this whole process will bend your perspective of the world.

I sure would like to think like a normal person again someday.

Sigh...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Stop singing that song! (I'm laughing so hard!) (Did I tell you OW is a "stunning redhead"? (Her words)) What was I thinking? Little orphan Annie --such a peach. The whole idea was that the Sun would come out from this oppressive darkness. So eager to post that first time I didn't think it through. So HBD next week! And someday if your husband is really good you can ask a Mod to change your name to Itrustyousortof and then graduate to itrustubutiverify. Hope it's a landmark goodie!
> 
> And OP, the other Sun with a cool name, helps to know this carousel is one we're all riding. I'm hoping we're all off the ride someday soon. Hang in there!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thaTs Hilarious!!!!!! How about trustubutgottaVAR??? or trustusomewhat.....:rofl:

"a stunning redhead" eh? How very confident of her. In her description did she mention "ho" anywhere? "homewrecker"?? Just curious. I wondered if she put those descriptions at the top or bottom of her resume'....:rofl:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I think I have some broken stuff in my noggin.
> 
> I couldnt resist opening this thread because I noticed the OP was named "lookingforthesun" and the last response was from someone named "thesunwillcomeout" at first I thought, lol... how cute.
> 
> ...


Oh Ive given up on thinking like a 'normal' person EVER again. I have fully embraced my warped head. 

On that subject when I first came here I saw your name and thought it said Put-it-0n-my-stomach at first glance. And I was like WTH? Put what on his stomach....:rofl:

Yeah, this breaks your brain.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I think I have some broken stuff in my noggin.
> 
> I couldnt resist opening this thread because I noticed the OP was named "lookingforthesun" and the last response was from someone named "thesunwillcomeout" at first I thought, lol... how cute.
> 
> ...


I think we gained wisdom through hardship, not broken our brains.

I'm wondering if anyone ever caught the irony of the name i picked...


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

I discovered my wifes affair back in august, in fact she confessed her affair on my birthday and for that i will always be pissed about. I'm still dealing with triggers on a daily basis and im glad to read posts from other ppl who say it will get easier but i also know it will never completly go away. Im not really sure how im gonna feel on the anniversary of my D day, but Im sure it will be hard and glad to know others feel the same way


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> thaTs Hilarious!!!!!! How about trustubutgottaVAR??? or trustusomewhat.....:rofl:
> 
> ....In her description did she mention "ho" anywhere? "homewrecker"??......rofl:


And the laughs just keep comin'......

Here's one: iseeyouwhenyou'resleeping_iknowwhenyou'reawake_iknowifyou'vebeenbadorgood....

HereComesTheSun, sorry for the threadjack. I really do like your name better. Beatles, viel besser.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ovid said:


> I think we gained wisdom through hardship, not broken our brains.
> 
> I'm wondering if anyone ever caught the irony of the name i picked...


Because he wrote metamorphases???? Is that what youre referring to?

Not sure thats Ironic so its prob not what youre referring to. Help a dummy out???


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Ovid said:


> I think we gained wisdom through hardship, not broken our brains.
> 
> I'm wondering if anyone ever caught the irony of the name i picked...


Ovid - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

lots to mull over there....


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Can't help but laugh...

put it on my stomach
the sun will come out

thank you both....yes, Pit - all this stuff will make you second guess and first guess things - but "Annie" is not my hubby. He got on here back in December first to try and get his head clear and has not been back since....kinda wish he hung around for awhile and we might not have experienced a few more DDs after that. I am off and on periodically, more so when I begin to wonder "is this normal"? Good to know that there are others along for the ride but sad to know that it is not by choice. 

I'm not sure why I chose the name that I did - makes sense though - guess I was in the fog, everything seemed dark and dreary and all I wanted to do was lay down and do nothing...something I would never do on a sunny day..something I never have time to do...just looking for a glimmer of hope and some clarity. This time last year I was still in the dark about it all....to go back in time.....but since that can't ever happen, we must push forward. For some reason, Mel Gibson yelling "Freedom" comes to mind.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

hurthubby said:


> I discovered my wifes affair back in august, in fact she confessed her affair on my birthday and for that i will always be pissed about. I'm still dealing with triggers on a daily basis and im glad to read posts from other ppl who say it will get easier but i also know it will never completly go away. Im not really sure how im gonna feel on the anniversary of my D day, but Im sure it will be hard and glad to know others feel the same way


Sorry for you :-( Ob birthday - not good - not ever good. At least you don't have 4 DDS - those are going to bite. 

Here is another thing - so OW flew out here over Thanksgiving while I was out of town on family matters....so as bad as it sucks, I have to take comfort in knowing that he wasn't able to sneak off on Thanksgiving with his mother here and our girls, so she spent Thanksgiving alone in a hotel room watching the Twilight marathon......sucks, cause I loved the movies - not sure I can ever watch them again...but she was alone, and this year she will still be without MY husband - too bad, so sad. This goes into a whole new thread, but I actally thought of outing her to her SO right before Thanksgiviing this year so she can spend it alone again - he doesn't know....but to keep her out of our lives, I won't....don't get me started on that topic. It's all good.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> And the laughs just keep comin'......
> 
> Here's one: iseeyouwhenyou'resleeping_iknowwhenyou'reawake_iknowifyou'vebeenbadorgood....
> 
> HereComesTheSun, sorry for the threadjack. I really do like your name better. Beatles, viel besser.


Who is HereComesTheSun? great - now I will have that elevator music stuck in my head the rest of the day


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Who is HereComesTheSun? great - now I will have that elevator music stuck in my head the rest of the day


This has just gotten hilarious. 

Lookingforthesun-AKA-Herecomesthesun
Pit-O-My-Stomach- AKA- Put-It-on-my-stomach
Thesunwillcomeout- AKA-Littleorphanannie
cantrustu-AKA-shesasmartass....

Now here is where using  would be perfect BUT since its a flipping HUGE trigger lets pretend I used


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

:smthumbup:


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Who is HereComesTheSun? great - now I will have that elevator music stuck in my head the rest of the day


LookingForTheSun -- I got mixed up when I typed that other user's name. This is all getting so confusing. I believe, nay, am pretty sure there's another TAMer with HereComesTheSun.

So we are 3 suns, HA! :

• LookingForTheSun -- you. Very cool name

• HereComesTheSun -- another TAMer. Also cool name. Beatles song

• thesunwillcomeout - me, an unfortunate user name b/c of it's association with "Annie", orphan Annie and her red hair, given the OW in my case has red hair. Didn't think about that at the time. 

But back to your original post and theme about triggers. It's amazing how so many of us are triggering this time of year. Halloween was big for me. Then Nov 8 (our anniversary). Thanksgiving will be big. Christmas even bigger. End of January really bad. And February will just be one big awful mess. If we can make it through these days/months to March I think I'll change my user picture to a sun breaking out from behind the clouds -- or get a mod to change my name to sumthin else.

And I totally relate to your reasoning regarding choosing your name. The Sun never goes away --- it's always shining at a very consistent bright. We just have to get ourselves into it. 

Here we go......


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Oh my - actually that is kind of a trigger for me - hubby would send me texts with the thumbs up guy when they were still talking...would like to break those two thumbs now - guess that is a good sign - totally forgot about the trigger for a sec.....hubby knows not to ever use it again....apparently I don't...face your fears...:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> This has just gotten hilarious.
> 
> Lookingforthesun-AKA-Herecomesthesun
> Pit-O-My-Stomach- AKA- Put-It-on-my-stomach
> ...


Oh please shesasmartass -- I can't stand it. I have GOT to get some work done and I just can't catch a break with your smartarse comments. 

pit-o-my-stomach.....Do you think if your pic wasn't so wobbly that pit in yer stomach would settle down? (that's what I thought when I saw your photo. not bad, but simmer down....) Makin' me all nervous-like. (Cuz I am the epitome of calm. yessiree. Me and my little guest squirrels that live in my head.)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> LookingForTheSun -- I got mixed up when I typed that other user's name. This is all getting so confusing. I believe, nay, am pretty sure there's another TAMer with HereComesTheSun.
> 
> So we are 3 suns, HA! :
> 
> ...


Seems we are on the same timeline here Sun. Come on spring!!!!!


And to join LFTS in her bravery....OMG!!!!!and thentheresAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!:


GOD I hate that emoticon. H and I have a strict rule with him using emoticons at work. The rule is -DONT. EVER.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Isn't it terrible to have so many dates - and holidays - fuggedaboudit! Halloween was big - daughters bday - lets see....Nov 17, Nov 22 - Nov 27, Dec 7, ...ok - most of December because it follows DDay - had to Christmas shop, put up a tree, make dinner - all not knowing what was going on and sheltering our girls...new years eve - yep - had awesome night (should have been)...ruined when I found out he was not sure he wanted to start new years off without her...sorry - almost vomited in mouth...Jan 3, Jan 19, Jan 28, Feb 14, Feb 15, March 6, Mar 7. Pretty much until Mar 7, 2013 roles around, I will wake up wrinkling my nose, breathing deeply and probably popping in on TAMS. 

So I deleted all pics of us taken during that time, tore up all cards (there were some "heartfelt" doozies), don't wear jewelry he bought me and refuse to verbally acknowledge those dates. We just have to wake up and make them our own again. One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus! (is that anyones name on here)?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Arbor day is always tough


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thats something I did. I got rid of every "heartfelt-aka bull****" card he gave me during the whole A. If I got that card or present during Feb 2011- March 2012 yah, likely its history. He had the nerve to go with me and we picked him out a new wedding ring(yep, while he was 'in love' with another chick). Oh excuse me had to run to the bathroom and puke. That ring, expensive as it was, is in a landfill somewhere. He threw it away b/c it was just a huge trigger for me. I kept asking him "why would you get a new wedding band while youre having an affair?" No real answer. I guess what can he say other than "so you wouldnt know" right? We have pictures from an entire year that are packed away in a box. Yeah, lots and lots of things get covered up and walked all over inside of a year long A dont they?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Oh please shesasmartass -- I can't stand it. I have GOT to get some work done and I just can't catch a break with your smartarse comments.
> 
> pit-o-my-stomach.....Do you think if your pic wasn't so wobbly that pit in yer stomach would settle down? (that's what I thought when I saw your photo. not bad, but simmer down....) Makin' me all nervous-like. (Cuz I am the epitome of calm. yessiree. Me and my little guest squirrels that live in my head.)


STOP! I am gonna have to change it to shejustpeedherpants...!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus! (is that anyones name on here)?


oh please, i have to stop laughing....


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Jackass Face Your Fear - YouTube


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> STOP! I am gonna have to change it to shejustpeedherpants...!


i have nothing....:rofl:

signing off, cuz i have to stop......

oh Lawdlawdlawdhelpme


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Isn't it terrible to have so many dates - and holidays - fuggedaboudit! Halloween was big - daughters bday - lets see....Nov 17, Nov 22 - Nov 27, Dec 7, ...ok - most of December because it follows DDay - had to Christmas shop, put up a tree, make dinner - all not knowing what was going on and sheltering our girls...new years eve - yep - had awesome night (should have been)...ruined when I found out he was not sure he wanted to start new years off without her...sorry - almost vomited in mouth...Jan 3, Jan 19, Jan 28, Feb 14, Feb 15, March 6, Mar 7. Pretty much until Mar 7, 2013 roles around, I will wake up wrinkling my nose, breathing deeply and probably popping in on TAMS.
> 
> So I deleted all pics of us taken during that time, tore up all cards (there were some "heartfelt" doozies), don't wear jewelry he bought me and refuse to verbally acknowledge those dates. We just have to wake up and make them our own again. One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus! (is that anyones name on here)?


My dday is also coming up and basically I have horrible memories from Halloween to July (kind of screwed ha)! Thanksgiving and Xmas will be lots of fun! I am already getting moody and haven't even decided if I will be giving him a second chance but just seeing him beg and text all day gets me. By the way I burned all wedding albums and photos of him.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Grey Goose - sorry you are here....you know what, you did what you had to do and I bet you felt just a little better after setting fire to his mug  

You are still in it early...way early...so keep your eyes and ears open. Hopefully he will be one of those who realizes right away what he did and takes action. Mine did not - he thought he did, but he was too far gone, I am sometimes amazed that he came out of it before it was all over and his life was even more a disaster than it has been. Don't decide now what you are going to do, just take time, stay were you are, see how you feel and see how it plays out and then YOU decide. I thought about doing the same thing, only ours were packed away and I didn't have the energy to find them - but I did delete pics off my phone and camera. I wanted to destroy all of his cherishables, but he did that on his own (not talking about his family)....pretty much anything associated with the military (his life for 21 years and ours for 15) he sold for next to nothing or destroyed it in a heap for the garbage men to haul away. Said he has no honor and doesn't deserve any of the awards or items he recieved. Then we went though about 5 cell phones smashed against the wall, 2 hockey sticks, appliances, IRobot roomba (he loved that thing almost as much as me - maybe more)....so we ended up getting another one of those. Affairs can be very costly too unfortunately. 

Anyway - take your time to decide. Go with your gut....I have yet to see it prove wrong.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Thanks LFTS I have to say I am grateful you posted this one because I was going to ask the same questions. 

Time has flied this year, I am so tired but at the same time so proud. I have gone back to being me and doing things for me and my 2 year old. How did you get over the why? My head still gets stuck there even though we have talked about it, I know what I did wrong in our marriage (became super mom and super worker, burnt out), therapy and I know what I had to fix, but my head just can't seem to understand how you go and have an affair at work, screw them in lunch and then come home and kiss your wife and son? Amazing how triggers work huh?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

First - you should be proud. I did the same thing - I tried to do it all because failure is not in my blood. As for the reason why - not sure there is a good answer or complete answer. There are reasons my husband gave me - selfishness, hormones, stupidity, entitlement - but even he said there is no good answer. 

My feedback to him was that I accepted that it happened - know that it happened, but still couldn't (and still to this day)wrap my mind around it. It is a huge mystery, honestly. If you don't feel it in yourself, it is difficult to understand how something like that could ever happen. I told him that whatever he felt was missing from the marriage, I felt it too. That attraction to my partner was important for me and that bonding and sex were always top on my list. I wanted to point out, that while I may have added a few pounds since we were mrried 15 years ago (went from a size 6 - 10), he needed to take a good hard look at himself. He didn't have 2 pregancies, 3 miscarriages and daily responsability caring for our 2 children like I did. He didn't work full time and do the laundry, shopping, cleaning, karate lessons, soccer practices, etc. 

Oddly, I was the one in our marriage who brought up divorce on several occasions, telling him that we were in a rut and we needed to get out. He got angry if I brought it up, told me to never say it again and that he thought we were fine and just had a few problems. If there is such a thing (not really), but I had more of a reason to have a realtionship outside of our marriage than he did. Especially 5 years ago when his dad passed, he shut down. I was 3 months pregnant with a grandchild his dad would never get to see, not knowing if she was a girl or boy, then 3 years later he retired from the military and took a desk job. He job hunted for several months prior driving all across the country for interviews. Then we moved to another state, bought a house, new car, painted our kitchen and 3 months later he gets a FB msg from the OW - remember me??? I know so often it is said (in anger) that the OW is a tramp....well, this one is...and the naked pics started flying and my hubby flew the coop and was going to run away with her. 

I could say that stress and wanting to escape real life was a reason, but then again, I was living it too and an affair never crossed my mind. I just wanted to fix what was broken, get settled in our new home and our new life post military. I was looking forward to having him home and be a full-time dad. Now almost a year later, here we are in our semi-new home, just starting to care about it and decorate, trying to get settled in our new life post affair. This is way harder than the last 5 years put together, and I know he knows it too. 

I love him, and he is trying. I know when to say no and I know to take time for me. I know not to put up with sh*t and I know when to let things slide. These triggers are a test for us, and one that we both have said we won't let break us, but it is hard. 

What used to be days of crying at the drop of nothing have now turned into having to be triggered to feel that knot in my stomach. Most times I can say "FU*K" out load and move past a trigger in a matter of minutes. It is when they are back to back that it is the hardest. It is also knowing that dates that you both know wat happened are the triggers and there is an awkwardness in the air becuase you don't want to say anything to ruin the progress you have made and he is embarrased and remorseful and angry with himself that he did that to you. 

Sorry - a little off topic - but there is no good reason, but you can look back at how things in your relationship were and how they are now. If they aren't any different, I would be worried. However, you are still so early to make a solid call (I think). You mentioned a child - focus on making the holidays as memorable as you can. Then when they come around next year (if you are still together), hopefully they will have new meaning. That is what I am hoping for. I got gift cards and perfume from Walgreens that he picked out while we were all shopping together for Christmas (tacky) - he was totally out of it....I still have the gift cards. Will eventually use them for my daughters. I did use the perfume though - every day - not for special occasions - just becuase I liked the smell. He had better 100 up it this year. I'm not talking about spending money - he had just better do something great.....100% heart and soul. 

Don't fall for his words, watch his actions.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

...and FYI...I dropped 28 lbs in 5 weeks (not by choice - just a biproduct of infidelity) - and am now in a sz. 4/5 and i work out and have some "guns". He is still struggling with losing the 35 lbs he gained. He just sent me a text today that he needs to get motivated again. I told him that I thought he was sexy-er when we were both working out....he said OK we will get started...gotta nip stuff like that in the bud so it doesn't become an issue. Don't worry so much about why it happened. Just feel good that you didn't choose tat path. That is one demon I would not want to live with.


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## Copingwithit (Nov 8, 2012)

The first time around when my wife had an EA, mind you it was going to be a PA but I caught it. It took me 10 years to semi finally relax about her going out for a business dinner once a year with co workers who are all women except for the boss who was a man. I would basically talk to myself to be calm when she didn't come home at 10 PM and to be a big boy. I also got sick and tense around the same time of year as the incident. Unfortunately it was around our wedding anniversary. We never really celebrated it because of that. 

Well she had a PA around the same exact time and even wished me a happy anniversary when the very next day she told me she was leaving me after I caught her. 

I would have to guess that July, August and September will be bad months for me probably for forever. 

I think what happens is you eventually over the years just suck it up and internalize it. You eventually understand you need to calm down about it. Unless your in my shoes of course then it just magnifies because of old wounds. 

I love her and I love my kids so I hope I can suck it up. 

The problem with this stuff is the cheater just has to admit they had an affair they are cleared. They can only feel so bad for what they did. 

Where as we go through this insane range of emotions. The only thing the cheater needs to do is just be honest and transparent. As long as you know where they are at all times for a period of time that you can regain their trust back, hopefully. Then all will be good.

But eventually there will be a time where even though you want to just choke them because of what they did you need to suck it up and internalize it otherwise you end up being that person who just never lets anything go. 

I know a friend who did cheat and was accused of cheating all the time. When he got caught 10 years later again, he told his wife. _"Hey you accuse me all the time so I might as well do what your accusing me of"_.

Chevelle - The Pain Below song says it all.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I kind of agree that we have to just suck it up, but if we do that, we have to make sure that it is worth it. As for the WS, if they are truly remorseful, I am not sure that they ever get over it either. I would think that they trigger at the same dates and songs and movies, etc that they did from the very beginning and hopefully in time it becomes managemeble to them too. I think the key is to be open and not afraid to let your spouse know or at least acknowledge that you are triggering and that it has nothing to do with how you feel about your significant other now or where you are in your realtionship, but it just has to do with coping and managing something that happened in your past. In the end, a remorseful WS will always know that it is their fault why you are both triggering and dealing with the situation.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> pit-o-my-stomach.....Do you think if your pic wasn't so wobbly that pit in yer stomach would settle down?


doubt it changes anything... but if it upsets ur stomach...

That better? I have nothing to worry of be anonomus about anymore, so that's actually me while on a recent fishing trip.

*edit* Nope my stomach doesnt feel any different.

I'm gonna put my shaky cloak back on... Feels weird to have my face out. lol.

Oh other side issue, you can look at almost anyone here's joined date under the pic and get a good idea when DDay was close to... so needless to say... This month, Thanksgiving and BIG TIME Xmas are tough and not good for my triggers... it was a 2 years ago during the holidays that all hell broke loose and reality as I knew it was changed forever... 1 year later (last XMas) the D was finalized... 

SO anyway, this next month or so are going to be filled by nasty thoughts Im afraid. :-(


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

One more SUN chiming in!!

OP, as mentioned first year dates passing is the hardest! What you are feeling is soooo normal. 2cnd year will pass, easier but still there....3rd year easier yet and you start to forget! Im 4 years out now and I have really cant even remember all those texts/emails you thought will never go away! Successful R will help you forget. It gets better, time is the only way!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> doubt it changes anything... but if it upsets ur stomach...
> 
> the squirrels are all quiet now....
> 
> ...


Good time to take another fishing trip, no? What could be better. So, so, sorry. Though there's never a good time for a DDay...the Holidays have to be the apex of bad timing.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Lfts I was laughing so hard with the Walgreens perfume, I also got one of those last minute ones!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Pit - good pic! That whole shakey-jake pic is a different, but if it makes you happy - meh - we are all a bit sick to our stomaches already I think if we are on here - so go bak to what you love.

Sorry the holidays are bad for you too. Do you have family and friends that live around you that you hang with? We have a husband's cousin and their family about an hour and a half away - may invite them over for Thanksgiving. They have some chaos (not infidelity) going on in their family too - may be nice to keep busy enough and help someone else during that time. 

Goose - Walgreens - don't get me wrong - I love Walgreens - I can spend an hour in there and not buy anything - but it was like a slap in the face...and funny enough, I am actually laughing at it myself today. Who does any of what the WS does, right? Not us! I had a really hard time trying to decide if I should get him anything - and honestly, I am sure I did but I can't remember what it was. ...and I almost never forget anything - maybe I can forget a little piece here and there and soon none of it will matter. I had better use up the gift cards though - every time I open my wallet I see them and remember - so I am carrying around a trigger. Boo to me. 

Some of the stuff that goes on in an affair and after is so ridiculous, that if it didn't happen to us or someone we know, it might be funny. I think I might start writing a book. I have always wanted to - I think I certainly have enough material.....put that on my TOP DO list.

Have a great day all! Thanksgiving lunch today at both kids' schools (thank God I started Insanity again), then a fun filled soccer weekend!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I got brave - added avatar pic - think it is too small...trying again. Face your fears!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Though there's never a good time for a DDay...the Holidays have to be the apex of bad timing.


YUp... If you'll indulge me... I think I'll have a feel sorry for myself/why holidays SUCK pity party...

3 years ago, ON thanksgiving I clearly sensed my xwife had someone else... As that day was the first time I was lied to blantantly, and I knew it.... My son was 18 months old, I was sick, and broke.. I had just bought us our first home a few months before that... I was recovering from a very bad sickness and in no mental shape to battle infidelity. Perhaps I thought it would pass... But, I was alone and needed my strength to fight my illness and reinvent my entire life... My son needed me.

Flash forward exactly 1 year. DDay was the following thanksgiving, after finally being in the mental and physical prepared to handle what obviously never went away... You can read the first couple pages of my thread  to give you some idea what I went through and the shear madness of what happened through the holidays... My situation was quite fuct, and my XWife was the apex of fogged. I fought through PTSD, and mad craziness. WOnt bore you with the particulars...

Flash forward exactly 1 year. Divorce was finalized between Thanksgiving & Xmas last year... followed quickly by my XW trying to introduce OM to my child and plug him into my kids life... Obviously, that didnt go well... lol. MOre fun ensued. 

Flash forward present day... Hi  ! Countdown to triggerville... ETA.... 1 week.... LMAO :rofl:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> YUp... If you'll indulge me... I think I'll have a feel sorry for myself/why holidays SUCK pity party...
> 
> 3 years ago, ON thanksgiving I clearly sensed my xwife had someone else... As that day was the first time I was lied to blantantly, and I knew it.... My son was 18 months old, I was sick, and broke.. I had just bought us our first home a few months before that... I was recovering from a very bad sickness and in no mental shape to battle infidelity. Perhaps I thought it would pass... But, I was alone and needed my strength to fight my illness and reinvent my entire life... My son needed me.
> 
> ...


Im sorry its sucking for you Pit. How is your son doing? Have you moved into the glorious world of dating?????


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Im sorry its sucking for you Pit. How is your son doing? Have you moved into the glorious world of dating?????


It's not sucking exactly. Relative to what I went through for the better part of 3-4 years it's reasonably peaceful now.

Dating... No. Absolutely not. Obviously have spoken with a few women, and mess around a bit... BUt, it's very complicted, complication I dont want. Well I do, but I have trust issues and the risk / reward ratio is still skewed onto the wrong side of the my willingness to get involved. 

I should be clear though, I promised myself after I researched divorce and it's impact on children that I would invest myself 110% into my son and wouldn't introduce new women into his life or get myself invested in any new relationships until both of us were ready... That hasn't happened.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> It's not sucking exactly. Relative to what I went through for the better part of 3-4 years it's reasonably peaceful now.
> 
> Dating... No. Absolutely not. Obviously have spoken with a few women, and mess around a bit... BUt, it's very complicted, complication I dont want. Well I do, but I have trust issues and the risk / reward ratio is still skewed onto the wrong side of the my willingness to get involved.
> 
> I should be clear though, I promised myself after I researched divorce and it's impact on children that I would invest myself 110% into my son and wouldn't introduce new women into his life or get myself invested in any new relationships until both of us were ready... That hasn't happened.


Ive been exactly where you are. Good on you for putting your son first. And yes, I think that being cheated on does create a mindset of trust issues possibly forever. Its an unfortunate by product I think that most of us have for at very least a VERY long time. 

Just know that there are good women out there!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Just know that there are good women out there!


That's the rumor. But, I'm sceptical. 

I'm also introverted. So, slim chance in h3ll I go on an extended fishing trip in that big fuct up dating pool. I'm not interested in sorting through all the trainwrecks to find that one keeper... :rofl:.

Think I'll wait for her to fall in my lap. (says the passive, cowardly man) lol. No rush, I'm not quite done licking all my wounds anyway.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Just know that there are good women out there!


I've been told there are good men out there too.Lies.All lies I tell you!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I've been told there are good men out there too.Lies.All lies I tell you!!


this kind of reminds me of something I said to my H when talking about his A. I told him that "I thought you were different. I used to feel sorry for the wives of the guys at work who were always hitting on me. Now, IM that wife to be pittied" UFB, eh. I still believe there are good ones. My brother is a good man, he cant be the ONLY one. My H is a good man but boy do his boundaries need some work...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> That's the rumor. But, I'm sceptical.
> 
> I'm also introverted. So, slim chance in h3ll I go on an extended fishing trip in that big fuct up dating pool. I'm not interested in sorting through all the trainwrecks to find that one keeper... :rofl:.
> 
> Think I'll wait for her to fall in my lap. (says the passive, cowardly man) lol. No rush, I'm not quite done licking all my wounds anyway.


completely understandable. Im skeptical myself but I do have a few examples in life that Ive come across. My best friend is a good woman. Faithful to a H that IMO is a total ass. I am faithful to a cheating H. We arent the only ones......Promise.

But I understand youre not ready. You'd be no good to a good woman if youre not ready. I will tell you this- IF R should fail-marriage is out of the question for me ever again.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You know I'm glad we are talking about this, gives me a chance to spill out some thoughts that circle around in my head sometimes...

Here's one that specifically dominates my thoughts when I think about women and dating, etc...

Sometimes my thoughts are a mess, a jumble of things that pop in and out of my head and are sometimes less than coherant so I hope some of this makes sense...

I think i'm going to need a women who's been betrayed. 

That seems like a funked up thing to think and say....! But, I think it's true. I don't think im a normal man anymore, I probably wasn't to begin with... But anyway... People just don't seem to get it, the impact this entire event has had on my life and how it's rewritten the way I think... 

Only someone that has been through this can clearly understand what I mean by that. It's not something that I can gloss over or pretend didnt happen, and it easily explains many of the glitches Im going to have when I try to 'trust' another women... 

I can't just bury this stuff, and if you haven't been there.. you simply couldn't understand. It exists, and it's part of who I am. I lost my family to this, and dispite my ability to logically understand what happened and that it isn't 'my fault'... I have some trouble shaking a feeling of 'failure'... Does that make sense? 

These things are in the deepest part of my mind, Im just being perfectly honest here... To a women who hadn't experienced this, it would be easy to discount the core impact this can have on a man... 

Even discussing it, makes me feel somehow damaged or 'weak'... Very odd, because I'm far from weak... and I don't think I'm damaged so much as 'aware'. Acutely aware that being vulnerable and trusting come at a very high risk... It's all very confusing.... 

Guess you had to be there... Oh.. Wait, you guys have...

So maybe you understand.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I think i'm going to need a women who's been betrayed.


I can totally relate to that. I have thought the same thing many times. I dont want a woman though..lol

I also might need to leave my H first as well but if the opportunity arose I think I would be better with someone who had been betrayed as well.

Makes me wonder what the statistics are for new relationships where both have been betrayed, wonder if any of them ever stray?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Well here's the real rub... I mentioned this has all rewritten the way I think... I thought about it.... it's not so much what happened it's what I learned about what happened. That's the biggie. 

I have such a deep knowledge of behaviors, emotions, and the physiology and psychology of 'love', 'lust', attraction and everything that surrounds it that I involuntarily dissect everything around me... That really makes things difficult for me. I can't seem to shut it off and just 'be' and enjoy.

That make any sense? Sorry if I hijacked your thread a little, you got my mind going and I felt like talking.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Analyzing every thing down to tiny little pieces takes all the zing out of the bubbly good feelings.No wonder you aren't excited to date.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> That's the rumor. But, I'm sceptical.
> 
> I'm also introverted. So, slim chance in h3ll I go on an extended fishing trip in that big fuct up dating pool. I'm not interested in sorting through all the trainwrecks to find that one keeper... :rofl:.
> 
> Think I'll wait for her to fall in my lap. (says the passive, cowardly man) lol. No rush, I'm not quite done licking all my wounds anyway.


You are a peach, sir.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Not to get all wonky but honestly, I'm so grateful for TAM. Sometimes it gets me down to read all the stories. At other times it's one big gift because we have a safe place to ask questions, give and get feedback, and most importantly gain perspective and encourage each other. Each and everyone one of you -- I hope you have some small or large happiness happen to you today. 

Poco a poco


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Analyzing every thing down to tiny little pieces takes all the zing out of the bubbly good feelings.No wonder you aren't excited to date.


lol. that's not why im not excited to date. crazy cheating hussies chasing rainbows and hollywood love stories are the reason im not excited to get involved. lol.

I still have the bubbly good feelings, i get butterflys in my stomach and I'm capable of crazy stupid wrecklace passion. But i understand those feelings and their limits. My love is grounded and based on commitment and choice, not those butterflies... 

I'm scared of women that base everything on those feelings and have been forcefed the idea of a knight in shining armor or a movie plot soulmate that sweeps them off their feet and happily ever after follows.... I don't believe that is how love works. I don't believe love is an emotion or a feeling. I think there are lots of feelings when you love someone, but love is a commitment not a never ending swoon... 

Go to a dating site sometime and read the womens profiles. Believe me I have, lots and lots and lots of times.... It's very scary how many women are looking for thier 'notebook', soulmate, prince charming or knight in shining armor.

Obviously you didn't mean anything by it but what you said is a perfect example of why I don't get 'out there'

I can't help but analize things... Its who I am. None of what has happened to me with the infidelity and divorce has helped. Should I apologize? or should I just not get involved because something is wrong with me and I ruin good bubbly things and kill 'zingy' feelings??


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Alrighty then.Bowing out of this one quickly.Good luck out there


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Pit - good pic! That whole shakey-jake pic is a different, but if it makes you happy - meh - we are all a bit sick to our stomaches already I think if we are on here - so go bak to what you love.
> 
> Sorry the holidays are bad for you too. Do you have family and friends that live around you that you hang with? We have a husband's cousin and their family about an hour and a half away - may invite them over for Thanksgiving. They have some chaos (not infidelity) going on in their family too - may be nice to keep busy enough and help someone else during that time.
> 
> ...


I also love going to Walgreens but hey when your husband gets you a perfume from there for xmas you know you were not on the top priority list and more so when you find out the lover got a watch! I got dady for xmas, wuhuuuu!

God I have all these triggers today and I am suposed to go on a date with him today, any suggestions?


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol. that's not why im not excited to date. crazy cheating hussies chasing rainbows and hollywood love stories are the reason im not excited to get involved. lol.
> 
> I still have the bubbly good feelings, i get butterflys in my stomach and I'm capable of crazy stupid wrecklace passion. But i understand those feelings and their limits. My love is grounded and based on commitment and choice, not those butterflies...
> 
> ...


Hey Pit maybe you should not look into the dating websites. I for one do not want a prince in shining armor and never did. I wanted a real guy, who I could trust, be my friend, accept me for who I was, have fun with, raise a family with and do sports with. I got all the above plus a cheater :rofl:! My WS was that guy that everyine thought was perfetc.

Now I have no idea if I want to give him a chance or not and the holidays are my trigger (from Halloween when I started to suspect - to Xmas when I got evidence and dday came, plus Valentines, my Bday and Mothers Day when he made fake attempts to reconcile). Wonderful year I would say!

I guess this is the time for you to find friends and maybe from there you can start a new thing? Do the things you love and also do not try to overanalyze anything, there are things that we will never be able to control and we just have to let go. Date but do not analyze, feel but don't think. Does that make sense?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You know I'm glad we are talking about this, gives me a chance to spill out some thoughts that circle around in my head sometimes...
> 
> Here's one that specifically dominates my thoughts when I think about women and dating, etc...
> 
> ...


Let me start by saying I do understand. And I totally agree that you have to have felt the unfathomable burn of being betrayed to truly 'get it'. 

I think I am very different than I was just a year ago. In fact, Im positive that I am. The very thought of fully trusting ANYONE makes my stomach quiver. And like you, Ithink that only someone who has been on the receiving end of this can understand the stomach churning fear that comes the moment you are faced with trusting someone.

Its the reason that when i am at my lowest only the people of TAM help. Now some would say thats sad. What about your IRL friends? Well, they can listen. They can feel bad for me. BUT, they cant understand my view of the world anymore. They cant understand why my birthday makes me sad. They cant understand why I hate when my H uses emoticons. They cant understand why I feel like somehow I must be sub par in his eyes otherwise I would have been enough. Now, I know intellectually thats not true and his A was about him being sub par. But emotionally I cant shake the 'feeling'. They dont understand that this has made me question EVERYTHING I've ever known about my H, about our relationship, about who I am for taking him back. I dont think theres anything in my life for the past 15 years that this A hasnt caused me to reflect on. That it hasnt tainted. That it hasnt weaved its way into. Things as little as how he used to tell me he "was a one woman man" and how much I miss not just hearing it but the security that it brought. I miss the life that I thought I had and I am doing all I can to keep my head above water.

So, yes Pit- we understand. And only someone who has been here can. I hope and believe that it wont always be this way for either of us. And yes, it does fruck you up. In more ways than one can imagine. It messes with your sense of self worth. Your sense of worth to others and most of all it ruins-at least for a time- your belief in anything or anyone.

Hang in there Pit. I believe it gets better. You will meet her. she will understand your wounds. And you will wear them as a badge of honor once they scar over.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Let me start by saying I do understand. And I totally agree that you have to have felt the unfathomable burn of being betrayed to truly 'get it'.
> 
> I think I am very different than I was just a year ago. In fact, Im positive that I am. The very thought of fully trusting ANYONE makes my stomach quiver. And like you, Ithink that only someone who has been on the receiving end of this can understand the stomach churning fear that comes the moment you are faced with trusting someone.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I can relate to the whole TAM only understands me thing but even more since I lost whom I thougtht were my BFF during the process cause they could not understand why I was still so hurt after 5 months (and him making approaches). We are talking about a friendship of more than 20 years. Only you guys understand me, my self esteem is shattered and no matter what i do i don't see myself in the same manner.

I think we just took over this post, how bad of us!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Alrighty then.Bowing out of this one quickly.Good luck out there


No, no, no... Hold on there. Where you going?

Im not being confrontational, not at all. I'm not angry, hurt or anything really. We are just having a discussion. I'm explaining how I feel and my perception of things. 

Your saying your running away from this conversation... That doesn't help, actually it feels like a cheap shot. I don't think you meant it that way obviously, but 'alrighty then' sounds dismissive. Like 'why bother'. and 'good luck out there' ? 

I'm not sure the emotional context you took my reply in, but it was meant to be 'matter of fact', not 'right or wrong' I was just communicating and working through my own thoughts.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

The site is open to all, and the thread seemed to attract some great peeps

I too look at people differently, yet somehow I have almost become more compassionate for those who deserve it, and less tolerant of those who are just a$$ O's. 

I still belive in love - the kind that can last a lifetime - but not without a lot of hard work. My history is tainted. Nothing will change that....not loving and not leaving. Do I want him to be my night in shining armor? I want him to be a strong man, a dedicated and compassionate father, a protector and healer of our family, a truthful and funny best friend. I told him after last DD that if he could not be all of those things that I didn't want him....and here we still are. I know it is going to take time for the "I feel good about us" feelings to be 24X7, but they are mostly there, cracked, but repairable. If he doesn't get (and I am pretty sure he does) what this ALMOST did to me and our family, it won't be any great loss to lose him. He does not know what it is like to be betrayed, but he knows what he did, he knows what he said, and he has to live with that. 

If I were in the dating game, I think I would just be sowing my oats and for the first time in my life I might be considered a tramp  Surviving infidelity takes the life out of you for sure. How do you know the next one won't do the same thing? You don't. I agree - maybe someone who has been through it might be more understanding and less inclined to cheat. That being said, Pit, you might start your own dating website for XBS's...you might make a million! I applaud you for not wanting to introduce your child to just anyone. I see that too often and it is damaging. Makes the parent look like a ho when they have a new person every week. Have fun, but focus. You will meet someone when you least expect it. You have plenty of time.

Grey Goose - at least for me I know she didn't get anything for Christmas (one of the few days they weren't in communication), but she did get a bday e-card (hence the start up of the affair again for DD4), and I laugh now, but one time she sent him a text that she wanted the cologne back that she bought when she was here because the "$h*t was expensive"....it took him a couple of weeks, but he finally mailed it back. She hurt his feelings, making him think he wasn't worth the cost of the cologne I think...school yard crap.....like I said - so sad and almost funny if it weren't true. I almost forgt about that.....OK - refocus. I do love him - yes, he was very stupid, but I love him now.

So a date? Just try to have a good time, try to focus on the moment instead of the past and try to fill your memory bank with good times and feelings. Easier said than done, but I think it is crucial if you are even thinking of R. You can't be a crab all of the time and expect to have a good time. And if your hubs is truly remorseful, you can't beat him up every second either if you want him to become a better husband. It's not fair, but is important I think. We suck it up a lot as a BS, but tell yourself you are doing it for you, so that you can make an educated and heartfelt decision in the end.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> The site is open to all, and the thread seemed to attract some great peeps
> 
> I too look at people differently, yet somehow I have almost become more compassionate for those who deserve it, and less tolerant of those who are just a$$ O's.
> 
> ...


good post LFTS. I do think its hard on TRULY remorseful WS'. It must be very difficult to look in the mirror and not like who you see. I know my H struggles with it. Most days I have some sympathy for him there but other days, ARGHH. 

Youre right though, you dont know that the next one wont do the same damned thing. I think thats what Pit is saying . A BS KNOWS the pain. They dont have to imagine it. They know and are hopefully less likely to inflict that kind of gunshot on someone else. A WS can guess how you feel. They can watch you suffer. They have their own demons for sure But they can never truly know what they have done unless they have it done to them. so I get what Pit is saying. Good idea with the fBS website! DO it Pit!

Youre also right aobut beating up your WS all the time. Its a fine line between letting them off the hook and beating them up sometimes. Some waywards require the 2x4 approach at times(mine). Not always but he most definately does try to manage the damage and that can cause way more problems than just letting go and relinquishing control. Something he truly struggles with doing.

Sucking it up is a part of being a BS. Its also a part of being a TRULY remorseful WS. I think not many WS' can handle the pressure ultimately. Lets face it, likely youre not the strongest person in the room to begin with if youre a cheater.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Sucking it up is a part of being a BS. Its also a part of being a TRULY remorseful WS. I think not many WS' can handle the pressure ultimately. Lets face it, *likely youre not the strongest person in the room to begin with if youre a cheater*.[/QUOTE]

YESSSS!!!!! My hubs is really struggling. Pit - I went back and read some of your other threads started, especially the one on depression and cheating - OMG - both times my husband went Physical he hated his jobs with a passion and was depressed (IMO) and an a$$ to live with - I told him that. I know he is depressed right now, (yes, still hates his job), but I am only concerned with the effect that the reality of his choices most recently and 10 years ago have on his mental health. He is dragging butt somedays and apologinging, then other days he is OK - I almost think he trigges worese than I do. Maybe it has to do with the fat that can choose to live with what happeed or not and continue on thsi path. He can't run from it. I think it has broken him. Part of me hopes so, and another part f me feels bad for him.

(I have to tell you - I got beat up quite a bit on some earlier threads because I said I felt like I needed to help him...early on, I was an idiot, and I should have paid more attention - but you just don't know when you are so vulnerable - but then later on in the last 6 or 7 months, I knew I was in it, so I wanted to help. If he is all mopey and depressed, what does that do for us? I don't want him to ever forget, but I want him to leave it behind and not look back. It's done - just don't ever do it again (is what I tell him). I feel like I am the strong one more times than not. But I won't let it beat me.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Sucking it up is a part of being a BS. Its also a part of being a TRULY remorseful WS. I think not many WS' can handle the pressure ultimately. Lets face it, *likely youre not the strongest person in the room to begin with if youre a cheater*.


YESSSS!!!!! My hubs is really struggling. Pit - I went back and read some of your other threads started, especially the one on depression and cheating - OMG - both times my husband went Physical he hated his jobs with a passion and was depressed (IMO) and an a$$ to live with - I told him that. I know he is depressed right now, (yes, still hates his job), but I am only concerned with the effect that the reality of his choices most recently and 10 years ago have on his mental health. He is dragging butt somedays and apologinging, then other days he is OK - I almost think he trigges worese than I do. Maybe it has to do with the fat that can choose to live with what happeed or not and continue on thsi path. He can't run from it. I think it has broken him. Part of me hopes so, and another part f me feels bad for him.

(I have to tell you - I got beat up quite a bit on some earlier threads because I said I felt like I needed to help him...early on, I was an idiot, and I should have paid more attention - but you just don't know when you are so vulnerable - but then later on in the last 6 or 7 months, I knew I was in it, so I wanted to help. If he is all mopey and depressed, what does that do for us? I don't want him to ever forget, but I want him to leave it behind and not look back. It's done - just don't ever do it again (is what I tell him). I feel like I am the strong one more times than not. But I won't let it beat me.[/QUOTE]

I bow to you LFTS, if I had to be the one cheering my WS and helping him get over the decisions he made (I know this woman was persuing him and warned him) I think I would do it with a 2x4 on his head!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> good post LFTS. I do think its hard on TRULY remorseful WS'. It must be very difficult to look in the mirror and not like who you see. I know my H struggles with it. Most days I have some sympathy for him there but other days, ARGHH.
> 
> Youre right though, you dont know that the next one wont do the same damned thing. I think thats what Pit is saying . A BS KNOWS the pain. They dont have to imagine it. They know and are hopefully less likely to inflict that kind of gunshot on someone else. A WS can guess how you feel. They can watch you suffer. They have their own demons for sure But they can never truly know what they have done unless they have it done to them. so I get what Pit is saying. Good idea with the fBS website! DO it Pit!
> 
> ...


More times than not I too am the strong one. Even now. He is much stronger than he was a year ago, six months ago but still I am the Island in the stream. I will say that watching his A unfold in real time, after getting suspicous and getting into his email, and VAR'ing him, while nearly killing me, also made me really realize just exactly what I am capable of. I think I got in just as it was really ramping up and was stunned by what I was witnessing. Unable to process that this was MY H doing this. I didnt even recognize him when seeing his interactions with OW. It was UFB. 

So, yes. I am the stronger one. Not for one minute do I believe he could/would have endured what I have. If anything good came of this disaster, its that he has newfound respect for me on a few levels. What a way to earn it, eh?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, no, no... Hold on there. Where you going?
> 
> Im not being confrontational, not at all. I'm not angry, hurt or anything really. We are just having a discussion. I'm explaining how I feel and my perception of things.
> 
> ...


Not meant as a cheap shot. It was more a light way to get out of a heavy response to a light comment I made about the bubbly zinger things.I felt anything I said to reply to your post would have come off as cheap and unhelpful. Saying good luck out there is sincere. With the way you feel about relationships,dating,and women in general,it will take a bit of luck for you to find the right person for you. We all need a little luck for that. 
I'm sorry if I came off as callous or anything negative. Not my intention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

A 2X4 - I often wished for a bus to just run him down - sad, I know - and not like me - so you can see I was a bit off during the first few months.

Sorry about all of the typing earlier - sticky keys and work calling...no time to spell check. 

Well, I just read a thread that sounded oddly familiar, and to be honest, I would not put it past OW to be trolling this website...she literally has no life and unfortunately I always have it in the back of my mind that she is not one to just let it go. Maybe I am just being parnoid, but it has been a year next week, even though NC for 8 months. She is a psycho, so I think I am going to take down my avatar. I pray that all is done - I know it is on this end. I'm just a mama bear protecing my den and cubs, ya know? 

So all, have a great weekend! Push through whatever comes your way and know that the sun does shine <insert joke of your liking>.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Dear Lord.....breathing deeply....so hubby just got home. One year ago tomorrow my big brother passed away from cancer. Ow was parking her bags to fly out next the following week....back to now, hubby bought me a rememberance bracelet. He said he wanted to do something for me...knows that it is not a happy memory but thought it may or may not be something I would wear. Said he wants to get more for the rest of the family and himself, but had that one fedexed to get here on time ( and within budget). He has 2 bracelets he wears and switches out...one for his dad and one for a good friend. On one hand I see it as a mother of a trigger, but I just put it on knowing that it is an ode to my brother saying that I will never forget him. It has been hard to think of my brother without thinking of the affair, and I hate myself for that. I compartmentalized his death when the affair broke. I just have to take comfort knowing that my brother would understand and would tell me it's ok. I have to take back this moment as a time to set aside for rememberance of my brother and nothing else...God I miss him.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Fuc.k, that hurt to read. I'm so sorry for u. Truly.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I am so sorry, you are a strong woman who will come out of all of this even better!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

We had a good night last night. Went to a hockey game. Halfway through I had to take off the bracelet because it brought everything rushing back. I know he noticed but did not say anything or ask. I just thought of the betrayal, the whole time I was worried I might not make it in time too see him before he passed and hubby was getting in deeper and deeper, sneaking off to call or text at soccer practices. It doesn't matter now, but it hurts like hell.

This morning we had both daughters soccer games (we both coach), then awards and party, now going to babysit for some friends. Another mom asked me in front of him if I liked the Twilight movies...not sure if I mentioned the relevance of those in this thread, but that was hard for both of us...uncomfortable, but I said I did like them.

I am thinking of my brother but still compartmentalizing it....too much right now and around people all day. I did call my parents to check on them, but have to stop at that. I know I am strong, and I know I love my family and husband. Why me. Why any of us.

For now, the bracelet stays put away. While a kind gesture, my feelings are more important than having to look at something that is a reminder. I just want to remember my brother with happy memories. Hopefully in time...hopefully soon, I can deal with both because one will be less painful. Now that I have typed, I feel better. It will be a good night, tomorrow rest and then make it through next week. Hang in there you guys. If I can do this, so can you. Like a wise man once sang....I won't back down ;-)


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

It does take time, but over time, the triggers become a little less shattering. 
The biggest one for me, my H's previous OW has the same birthday as me. How messed up is that!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Dear Lord.....breathing deeply....so hubby just got home. One year ago tomorrow my big brother passed away from cancer. Ow was parking her bags to fly out next the following week....back to now, hubby bought me a rememberance bracelet. He said he wanted to do something for me...knows that it is not a happy memory but thought it may or may not be something I would wear. Said he wants to get more for the rest of the family and himself, but had that one fedexed to get here on time ( and within budget). He has 2 bracelets he wears and switches out...one for his dad and one for a good friend. On one hand I see it as a mother of a trigger, but I just put it on knowing that it is an ode to my brother saying that I will never forget him. It has been hard to think of my brother without thinking of the affair, and I hate myself for that. I compartmentalized his death when the affair broke. I just have to take comfort knowing that my brother would understand and would tell me it's ok. I have to take back this moment as a time to set aside for rememberance of my brother and nothing else...God I miss him.


Sun. Im so sorry. I too have lost a brother. It sux and I feel for you. And I am truly sorry that your loss is compounded by the triggers surrounding it. I hope you find some peace with the connection eventually.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Had a crazy/busy weekend. It was nonstop, so I think that helped with the triggers. Hubs has been sick last few days, so after we babysat for friends Sat night we went home and actually slept a full 8 hours + for the first time in a long time. Sunday was busy, birthday party to go to for the kids and then husbands hockey game late afternoon. In the morning, he pulled me on his lap and asked if I was OK. I told him yes, and asked if he was. He said yes. He then said that if I needed anything to let him know and I said OK and we hugged and I kissed his head. Then we got on with our day. Last night and this morning he told me what a great weekend it was and that he loved me and our family. 

Now today we are dealing with the week that a year ago OW flew out here, I buried my brother, and he lied about having to go on a training trip for work while his mom stayed here watching our girls. Brings back the intricate lies he told, the days he took off from work without us knowing, the short conversations he had with me when I needed him the most. I shudder at the thought that I watched the Lord of the Rings marathon to try and keep my mind off my brother while he took the day off and spent the whole day and late into the night with her....loved that series too and now I can't ever enjoy those...stupid, I know - but that series was a love of mine from childhood. I know he hates himself for that - told me that he can't stand to think where he was on the day I buried my brother. Made him want to end it (life), but looking at me made him want to live to try and fix it and be the man he should have been and give me the life I deserve (that was early in R). 

So not just the dates, but the days of the week are a trigger - how it all played out. Luckily for me, my girls are out of school this week, I still have to work M - W (I work from home), so I will be working like crazy up until Thu. (the 22nd - the day the ho came into my life and my family's). I have a million different ways to not look at it and be OK with where we are, but I only need the one to make me angry....and this trigger is making me angry more than anything - and yep, thoughts of exposure have come back - outing her trist to her BF of 6 years right before Thanksgiving....this whole process sucks.

I thought of putting on the bracelet yesterday, I felt good, but then thought, if I just triggered, maybe I still need to wait. Of course I know he knows this - and has not said anything about it - giving me space, but also asking me yesterday if I was OK and telling me to tell him if I needed anything...that was positive. I am not quite sure what he is going through this week. I know he won't say anything. He always says that he caused it and he has no right to talk about it. He hates himself for what he did and is just disgusted with himself. 

So, I guess that we just get through this together like we did Halloween and daughter's birthday. Unfortunately, from this point of no return in the affair, it just might get harder to deal with until the day of last contact w/OW. I know we are good and as solid as it could possibly be at this stage, so I will take some comfort in that. I love my husband, I love my family, I hate this.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> It does take time, but over time, the triggers become a little less shattering.
> The biggest one for me, my H's previous OW has the same birthday as me. How messed up is that!


sorry - that is crappy :-( 

OW has same middle name as my oldest - I saw in an email he wrote one time like a school girl does on her notbook about the boy she likes "Name, Middle Name, Same as MY married last name" - made me gag....sick. At least it is spelled differently - not the proper way - guess her mom was not any better at spelling than she is - so I take comfort in that.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Wow we all have to endure so much pain and humiliation while they are playing the whole playboy thing, but I can not believe he was not there for you during your brother's death. I take my hat off to you and your forgiving power! Hope you can get through this week and come out with all the happiness you deserve.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks GG. Yep - he told me after this all came about that if I treated him like this after his father died, he would have left in a heartbeat. Maybe that is one of the reasons why he can't forgive himself - besides the obvious, the circumstances surrounding this are really ugly and sad. And then the OW's retaliation to me and my family just compounded the situation during our time of loss - that is where my anger comes in. A part of me feels like I have to avenge my brother and parents for what she did. And my mother-in-law too - she called up my mother-in-law who only found out one morning about her, and asked for me, saying "This is her husband's mistress". Then my MOL said that there was no (my name) there (and I wasn't), and called my sister-in-law who called me. They have been the most supportive in-laws I think anyone could ask for. They both told me that they did not blame me if I left and said the girls and I always had a place to stay. Sister-in-law even has a second home we could have stayed in.

Anywho - yes - very sad circumstances. Forgiveness has not been easy when there seemed to be an easier choice. I just didn't want that one.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

A year ago on a Tue is when OW flew out. I remember my hubby called me after he got done work to see what I was doing. He said he was waiting around for hockey to start up a couple of hours after he finished work. I thought he was going to play hockey - he was waiting to pick her up from the airrport. Why did he call me? What did he want to hear from me? I was about to bury my brother the next day. I know I told him I loved him and probably gave him details about the funeral. One of the things that pains me (and I just remembered it), is that he posted on my dad's FB page "Prayers to the XYZ family".....WTF. He is not religious and why do that when you are having sex with someone other than your wife? 

My question is more of why did he call me right before he was going to pick her up? I have asked him a couple of times early on and he says he does not know.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> A year ago on a Tue is when OW flew out. I remember my hubby called me after he got done work to see what I was doing. He said he was waiting around for hockey to start up a couple of hours after he finished work. I thought he was going to play hockey - he was waiting to pick her up from the airrport. Why did he call me? What did he want to hear from me? I was about to bury my brother the next day. I know I told him I loved him and probably gave him details about the funeral. One of the things that pains me (and I just remembered it), is that he posted on my dad's FB page "Prayers to the XYZ family".....WTF. He is not religious and why do that when you are having sex with someone other than your wife?
> 
> My question is more of why did he call me right before he was going to pick her up? I have asked him a couple of times early on and he says he does not know.


maybe so you wouldnt call him while he was with her? Idk, just a guess.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

And let me point out, I am still happy, I am just reflecting. It was a messed up thing and talking my way through each trigger day/date has surprisingly been helping.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

That could be. All I know is that I called him quite a bit (I was obviously in pain for my brother and he was my go-to support), and he told me after the fact that he never talked to me while he was in the room with her (I'm sure), and she kept asking why I was calling so much - so there you go - I am sure he told her that we were in a horrible marriage and not talking anymore, so why would I be calling.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I have asked my WS something along those lines and his response is always that he would not talk about the marriage. And you know what? That is one of the few things I believe him, cause I guess it would be a party pooper. So I do not think they even talk about the marriage when they do what they do. That would mean they would have remembered us while they were doing what they were doing.

I am the type of person that needs to understand everything and to understand what and why they do it is impossible. I guess your questions just come up bc of the triggers and our need to understand the root and avoid it, but my guess is it will never be understandable.

Also I have a friend, who has been an OW (not proud of it) and she says they always know that half of what men say is BS!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> That could be. All I know is that I called him quite a bit (I was obviously in pain for my brother and he was my go-to support), and he told me after the fact that he never talked to me while he was in the room with her (I'm sure), and she kept asking why I was calling so much - so there you go - I am sure he told her that we were in a horrible marriage and not talking anymore, so why would I be calling.


I think she's got it. He was checking in before he picked her up to buy some time; to look involved. Punching the clock. The way you're tackling these triggers today is inspirational.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

He said he never talked about us. I suppose that could be true. Doesn't really matter anymore. I know he feels like crap for what he did do and say. He barely chokes it down when we have talked about it. Said he told her that he would never hate me because I am the mother of his children - so I know she had lots to say to try and convince him...couldn't do it - she had not a clue about me and the type of person I am (although she did troll my FB page for 3 months before I took it down)....and look where she is and look where I am  A year ago and she is right back where she started. Good riddance!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> He said he never talked about us. I suppose that could be true. Doesn't really matter anymore. I know he feels like crap for what he did do and say. He barely chokes it down when we have talked about it. Said he told her that he would never hate me because I am the mother of his children - so I know she had lots to say to try and convince him...couldn't do it - she had not a clue about me and the type of person I am (although she did troll my FB page for 3 months before I took it down)....and look where she is and look where I am  A year ago and she is right back where she started. Good riddance!


Right on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> He said he never talked about us. I suppose that could be true. Doesn't really matter anymore. I know he feels like crap for what he did do and say. He barely chokes it down when we have talked about it. Said he told her that he would never hate me because I am the mother of his children - so I know she had lots to say to try and convince him...couldn't do it - she had not a clue about me and the type of person I am (although she did troll my FB page for 3 months before I took it down)....and look where she is and look where I am  A year ago and she is right back where she started. Good riddance!


Amen sister! Maybe we could cook up some OW soup and serve it to the pigs....


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

CT - you made me laugh. I am trying to work and keep checking back in - logging in and out - not very productive I'm afraid - but TAMS and Bon Jovi on Spotify is keeping me lifted....and I have been hungry all day and hubby just texted about how much he ate at their work turkey day, so I know we are both OK....I don't eat when depressed. I guess I had never been depressed before - was a stress eater , but this depression thing is a whole new ball game. ...perhaps some depression on turkey day may not be so bad.....naaaaaaaa....bring me a leg and some gravy, baby!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> CT - you made me laugh. I am trying to work and keep checking back in - logging in and out - not very productive I'm afraid - but TAMS and Bon Jovi on Spotify is keeping me lifted....and I have been hungry all day and hubby just texted about how much he ate at their work turkey day, so I know we are both OK....I don't eat when depressed. I guess I had never been depressed before - was a stress eater , but this depression thing is a whole new ball game. ...perhaps some depression on turkey day may not be so bad.....naaaaaaaa....bring me a leg and some gravy, baby!


Good. You deserve a good laugh. and Im glad youre doing ok. Cant let that turkey go to waste, no sir.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Last night should have been difficult, but it wasn't. Hubby and I cuddled on the couch watching TV and he held my hand tight. the gorilla was in the room, but nothing said - it was understood. I knew he was feeling it more than me.
Went to bed and I asked him what was going on in his head. We talked very calmly - same stuff - hating what he did, unforgiving, wish he could change things. Yet in spite of it all, right then he said he could not be any happier because of us. Told me I was his strength when he was weak and was glad that I fought for us. I asked him if he thought back then if I would have done anything but fight, an he said he has no idea what he was thinking back then. 

I had a nightmare that made me trigger, but I was able to recover. It as just a bad dream. Guess that is what I get for watchig violence, drinking a wine cooler and talking about "stuff" right before bed.


This morning, woke up to a text from husband that said he loves me, always has and is very much in love with me - that he knows I am there for him and he will always be there for me. I almost texted back the nightmare I had, but just sent an "I love you". We texted some more, and I did tell him that he needed to focus on now and where we are going, not what happened, because what happened involved 2 parties, and as long as he was thinking about that, the other party is not too far from thought, and that is what kills me. Was that a bad thing to throw out there?

I think that might have been hard to hear, but it was what I felt and needed to say. So we ended with more ILY's and we have a great family, and back to work. 

I feel good today. Today should be hard too. Buried my brother the day before Thanksgiving last year. Hubs was with her. I know he is feeling it too. Maybe just leaving it unspoken and living our lives and going about our day is the best way to get through this? We know the significance. I would rather make it insignificant. We are here together now. 

So we are going out tonight with the family again tonight - will be fun. Keeping busy and making good memories is key I think to get through tough times that might be triggres.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Good work LFTS. I will try to take a lesson here...


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Happy Thanksgiving LookingForTheSun -- once again, your post, inspirational. And, your husband, how lovely. Dear.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Hope everyone had a bearable Thanksgiving! I had a good day, but broke down with tears when my oldest gave Thanks at dinner, then it was my turn. I couldn't do it. The tears just started streaming so I pointed at my youngest (4), who then pinted at her dad, who then said he was thankful for his family and that he loves his wife (my name). Then I went - said I was thankful for my beautiful daughters who are the best any mother could hope for, it hit me right there I could not say the best husband and that made the tears flow even more. I said I was thankful that I had my family together, that I loved my family more than anything. We had a nice dinner, then the family went upstairs and I looked at OWs FB page hoping to see some indication that she was alone or miserable....I have not done that in a very long time. Nothing, because most is blocked except for Farmville crap. What a step back I just took for myself, but my heart just ached.

Day ended up good - we took the golf cart out for a cruise, watched TV together and then went to bed. Today I have been triggering - hubs is at work (took the day off last year after Thanksgiving to be with her for the weekend. Today is the actual calendar date I burried my brother (last year it fell the day before Thanksgiving). Oldest is at friends house, youngest is watching TV and I am off work and the house is quiet. 

I thought I was going to be able to ride this week out better than I am. Part of me wants to ask questions just for verbal validation again. The other part knows that it has already been discussed and bringing it back up may or may not put the gorilla in the room for the entire weekend. 

Crap - this sounds stupid - watched Extreme Couponing on Netflix last night because my oldest wants to start couponing. Reason a lot of woman start - they are single moms. My husband almost made me a single mom. Kills me. 

Part of me just wants to say (and I have said it before in so many words) - please, just one more time, tell me that you are fully committed, no exceptions. Because if there is any doubt, let me know now because I don't want to be a single mom 5 years from now. Just cut me loose now if there is even a minute chance of this.

This sucks. I know this sounds so contrary to everything else I normally post...and it is! This is just the mother of all triggers and every day being something, I just want to get through this. When not triggering, I have no doubts, and even now triggering I am happy with the state of my marriage all considered and I do love my husband. It's just getting the better of me right now and I am trying to beat it without it beating me. I feel a little better getting it out (typing). God help me through this one!


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I hear you LFTS, but good thing is that you know these are just triggers and you can work through them. I have had a journal for the past year as part of my therapy and it helps sometimes to write in it. I also turn into Forrest Gump when I really get bad (Run Forrest run - and I am not even in real R). I know you do Insanity so maybe this is the right time to let some steam and anger out through excercise, so go hit something and scream (I have a 100 pound punching bag for that!)

Try to focus on what you have accomplished and all you have achieved. These times can not be easy for you, it was too much. Hopefully you will be able to talk to him about it as well. I am here if you want to PM me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LFTS, I am so sorry youre having a rough go. Triggers are miserable. If you need more affirmation you should ask for it. I understand what you say about the "this time last year" trigger. So far, those are the worst for me. Ive heard the first trip around the calendar is the worst so keep that in mind. This is as bad as it gets, so try to just keep pushing yourself to move forward(easier said than done, I know). Remember, he is trying. Hang in there. Feel free to PM if you need. As you know, I was right where you are now just last week.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Good morning! Thanks GG and CT. I am doing much better this morning (although sick with a cold).

So right before I hit enter on my post yesterday, hubby was knocking at the front door - they got to leave work early yesterday. So I quickly hit enter and wiped my eyes, ran to the bathroom to blow my nose and opened the door. He said "You don't look like you are feeling well." I have had a cold since Wed night and he has been sick for a week now, so it was not much of a surprise, but he noticed my eyes were glassy and just kind of watched me as I tried to stay busy and faced away from him. I went to our bedroom to resume folding clothes and he came in. I sat down and the tears flowed.

I said everything I wanted to say. Told him I am happy with us and I love him, but this week of triggers was gettig the best of me. I told him that I know we have been all over it before but that I needed for him to confirm that he he is firmly committed to me and our family and he has no doubts or he needs to cut me loose now. He said he will never leave me and it would have to be me who left him. I told him he knows the only reason why I would leave and he said he will not allow it to to happen.

He then went on to tell me that he has looked up this week how to forget about things and how dates and events are the hardest, how time will lesson the pain (boy, I know), and how he needs to forget about how he failed as a man and be there for me now. We were holdng hands tight this whole time and then he broke down. He said he wished he could change it, forget it all and erase it from his memory. He said he hates this week. Besides the other days, the 23rd is significant for us both. For me, it is the day my brother was buried. For him, it was the day a very close friend of his died about 8 years ago that he wears a rememberance bracelet for. He pointed those out and said he not only ruined everything else, but ruined that day for us both too by taking the focus off of what was important. I told him that what is working for me is getting through each trigger date by making a good memory with each other and/or the family. I told him that if there are any other dates of significance that I do not know about (and he sad there are not), that we need to make them insignificant with what happened and significant with new memories that we create, so that when the date rolls around next year, we have new good memories to think about.

Never once was there a raised voice. We just held hands and after about 10 min of silence, he said he just needed to lay down for a few minutes, so he lay on our bed and I covered him up. He was the sickest yesterday he has been and should have stayed home from wrk but knows that he is still playing catchup from the past year. 

I checked in on him a few times and asked if he needed medicine or a drink. The last time he told me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I told him that I loved him too but sometimes I just like to hear him say and have him do things to reassure me and sometimes I NEED reassurance, and he teared up and said he knows. 

So I spent the night watching TV and tellig stories to our 4 year old as our 10 year old was spending the night at a friends house. Hubby is getting ready to get up after about 16 hours of sleep and says he is feeling better. 4 year old carries the iPad into the bathroom and plays Johhny Cash's Ring of Fire while she goes potty...picking daughter up from frinds house at noon - I have coffee...I love my family. Today will be a good day 

Sidenote - CT - I thought of you the last 2 days - Thanksgiving night we got in bed, we talked about how it was a good day and hubby was asleep in about 30 seconds snoring. Then after our talk last night, he said he just needed to lay down and was asleep in about 30 seconds again - I had to smile. 

Sorry my post is so long - had to get it out


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Yes - This whole week is making me a bit emotional. I know that. I know it will pass - that is the good thing. Yesterday, I grabbed a pair of jeans out of my closet that used to be way too small a year ago. I forgot they were there and I told myself for the last few years that I was going to fit in them. Well, they are way too big now. Happy - yes, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

From the time I was 18 - 26 I was a size 5/6. Then I had 3 miscarriages, 2 babies, 5 moves, and an army spouse life and full-time working mom. While reasons, no good excuse to not stay "me". Since then, I was a size 12 after pregnancies and then to a size 10. Those are not high numbers, but they were high for me and I have been carying arond teh extra weight since I was 27. I should have known the jeans would have been too big - I'm now between a 4 and 6 and 30 lbs lighter. That all happened 5 weeks after dd (you don't eat or sleep, and you lose - rapidly). Since then, I have been working out doing various programs and love the new "old" me - how I used to be.

But, I broke down. I went to my hubs an told him that I know he thought I was fat, that he was not attracted to me anymore, and aked if he was now. He got mad and said yes he was, but don't put words in his mouth. I told him I was not stupid, and he said to look at him - he is 30 lbs heavier now and still - has been for many years as well. It never bothered me. He lost about 20 this summer when we were working out together but has slipped back into a funk and put it all back on. I have not. 

I told him I didn't want to be the person I was, that I wasn't, and that I would never put weight back on again. I told him I was mad that he never said anything to me, that he led me to believe that I looked good, that when I cut my hair after both pregnancies (hormones), he told me to do it, that it was just hair, but it looked horrible. I told him it made me mad because he just didn't care anymore and he should have. I looked at others around me, and instead of looking in the mirror, I compared myself to others and justified myself. (I am thinking this deserves another post - self discovey after an affair). I hate that. I am smarter than that. Why did I sabotage myself? 

He told me that I was not that person anymore, that I looked great and asked why I was doing this now. I told him that it is all coming around. It is an emotional time for me and he knows that. Then it started getting to him. He was getting upset. Although it was not my intent (I can see it now), I was basically telling him how shallow he was. That he failed me as a husband to support me and went outside our marriage because of his selfish, shallowness.

I kept going on about how we are supposed to love each other enough to be honest and care about ourselves and each other enough to want to look good - for ourselves and each other. We should want to be heatlthy for us and our daughters. Physical attraction is important, but we have to be honest to each other about what is working and what isn't and keep it fresh. 

I told him the truth doesn't hurt me - it is trickle truth and lies. I can handle the truth - I am a different person since this, and he needs to realize it. I told him I am not going back, and I want his support and I want him to jump on board with me.

Tears, and more tears, from me and it made him upset too. We didn't argue, but it brought up a lot and he looked at it partailly as I was pointing out his failures. It wasn't my intention, it was about me. I never said "I don't care if I gained 100 pounds, you still had no right to step outside the marriage and betray me". That wasn't my intent. I would never blame myself for what he did or feel that I need to justify his behavior in any way. I physically changed from the person I was and so did he. I had my aha moment ysterday that the physical change in me also changed my attitude and my once "outgoingness" and happy attitude all the time and willing to try anything once, not afraid of anything, fun to be around persona. 

I always liked myself - my heart and soul. I am a good person. I care about others. I try to do what is right. That never changed. But I think where I let my physical side go, I took away from myself (time and money) and fully put it into our children and family - and even let hubs spend money when I wanted it for myself to do something for me. I pointed that out - that I always did and gave to others before me and he told me that I needed to find balance. I wish he had encouraged me along time ago. What happened? What went wrong. The same thing that happens in too many marriages, I am sure.

I am owning my 50% of the marriage problems. It wasn't that I did not love or care about us. I just didn't love and care about myself enough that led me to where I will never go again. 

I want my husband to get healthier. Healthy is what is important to me. Physical attraction is important, but I have always been attracted to someone more for their mind and spirit. However, for me personally, I know what I want to be physically, I know how I was, how I am and I will not go back to being a second or third priority in my life. I have found my balance. 

Whew....ok - so enough about that - that will go in a new tread -I think I may have finally hit on something there...

We went over a friends/couples house yesterday and they told us about a lady who housesat for them who recently shot herself. They both said that her husband was cheating on her and that it either drover her to it on her own or maybe she just threatened to do it and he egged her on and she broke and did...anyway - I knew right away it bothered him and he was quiet on the way home and dissapeared into the bathroom when we got here. I think just hearing that peple do break down so badly - that an affair is more pain to a BS than anyone who has ot experenced can imagine - that on top of my breakdown yesterday.....

But we ended up having a good night. Youngest fell asleep and we played video games with out 10 year old until 1 in the morning. Today should be a good day


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

LFTS. 

I've not read your whole thread or your others (unless I just don't remember who wrote it, I read A LOT sometimes and don't pay attention to who's who, too much to try and remember)

I had it bad recently. My wife cheated, walked out and is wanting a Divorce. Blame shifting, Rewriting history etc etc. I got strong, thanks very much to Conrad and Upnover etc. BigMac's been there for me as well as NoWhere, and many many others. 

I had been strong, until THanksgiving. I've been doing nothing but trying to keep my mind off Christmas. I have $40 to my name now. No gifts bought for my beautiful 3 yr old daughter that I may or may not have to spend Christmas with. 

I woke up this morning from 2 major, MAJOR bad dreams. I layed in bed from 4:30 till 9. Praying, trying to keep my mind movies out, etc. I finally got up and came to your thread here by browsing around. 

I read the first couple posts and then the last page here. Though teary eyed, I smiled for the first time in almost 65 hours. I'm so happy for you guys. I truly hope this progress continues for you. 

Then I got to the end. I've done some things, and almost done some things that were terrible thoughts as well. My 3 year old daughter is what saved my life. Her and the people on this forum. I think it's rare that the betrayer's really see how devastating this is on a BS. To know he acted that way... I feel for him. There's no telling what kind of pain and thoughts that put him into. Knowing my situation, Yes, I can feel sorry for him. 

I just wanted to say, as bad as I've had it, your story made me smile today. I'm so happy for you. 

Take care.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Yes - This whole week is making me a bit emotional. I know that. I know it will pass - that is the good thing. Yesterday, I grabbed a pair of jeans out of my closet that used to be way too small a year ago. I forgot they were there and I told myself for the last few years that I was going to fit in them. Well, they are way too big now. Happy - yes, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
> 
> From the time I was 18 - 26 I was a size 5/6. Then I had 3 miscarriages, 2 babies, 5 moves, and an army spouse life and full-time working mom. While reasons, no good excuse to not stay "me". Since then, I was a size 12 after pregnancies and then to a size 10. Those are not high numbers, but they were high for me and I have been carying arond teh extra weight since I was 27. I should have known the jeans would have been too big - I'm now between a 4 and 6 and 30 lbs lighter. That all happened 5 weeks after dd (you don't eat or sleep, and you lose - rapidly). Since then, I have been working out doing various programs and love the new "old" me - how I used to be.
> 
> ...


WHEW! LFTS, good introspection there. I know that A's cause the BS to question everything about themselves. I think that is healthy as long as we keep perspective. Realizing our faults and the things we want to change and where we went wrong is not only healthy but necessary to move forward. With that said I also think you have to be careful not to take on any of the blame for what happened. Its a natural thing I think for us to do. To find something wrong with us- that would explain everything- right? IF we can find that problem, that flaw that 'caused' him to stray well, then we can fix it thereby fixing this trainwreck, right? Its alot easier in some ways than saying "WTH?" and looking thru our good marriages, our happy lives, the love we know we felt for them and we thought they felt for us and not being able to answer the "WHY?" I think "why" is the hardest part-aside from the lies. And if we can find that "why" within ourselves we can fix it, right? Then this will NEVER happen again. It will give us a sense of control back. Because lets face it we feel like we have no control sometimes. So finding faults w/i ourselves to 'explain' the A- to say "yeah, I'd have cheated too" to yourself that would alleviate all of the future anxiety. I so get all of that. Ive done it myself. Alot.

So, reflection is good. Accepting blame- not so much. Making any sort of excuse for what they did- not so much. I think its great to make adjustments to ourselves, to improve ourselves and by default to become more attractive to our H's. Lets just remember these two things- the need for self improvement vs. why he cheated are VERY different. 

I look forward to your thread about this. I have some thoughts as well both about myself and what I am working to improve and about the affect those things had on our Marriage prior to the A.

Hope you have a great day! You deserve it.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks  I added some more text to the new thread - I may get some negative feedback on it (from other BS's I am guessing), but that is OK - not an intent - just a very harsh reality check. One that I was unwilling to admit fully too because franly it hurts.

I don't in anyway blame myself for what WH did. There is no excuse fo that. I do blame myself 50% for letting the marriage get too comfortable and for not being me the whole time. Seriously, I stopped putting the effort in myself that I once did, and I know I was unhappy a lot of the time. I was uncomfortable with myself. I still did all of the "right" things, and took care of everyone else, but neglected myself. Should my husband have supported me and encouraged me - yes but he was doing the same thing to himself and if I haven't learned anything but from this affair is that I am in charge of my own life. I control what I will and will not feel and I will decide how I react to what life throwsmy way. 

I know he and I would both turn back the clock on this, but we can't. And what I have learned from it is that if it is worth fighting for, it is worth nurturing every day. I didn't nurture it and neither did he. I didn't make the worst mistake, but I made mistakes. I should not be here, but I am, and if anything good comes from an affair it should be to learn from your past mistakes and not repeat them. It is hard for a BS to admit that they made any mistakes, but here I am....and am not going to repeat any of my marriage mistakes. How he responds and reacts and learns is up to him. I know how remorseful he is and how we hve grown so far from this, so I am very hopeful.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> LFTS.
> 
> I've not read your whole thread or your others (unless I just don't remember who wrote it, I read A LOT sometimes and don't pay attention to who's who, too much to try and remember)
> 
> ...


Dewayne - you don't know how good it makes me feel that my ramblings could actually make someone smile. You warmed my heart. I am so sorry you have a reason to be on TAMS. It shows that you have strength and courage though, so take comfort in that. If your story is posted, I am going to go and read that today. Not knowing it yet, let me still say - you will always have your beautiful daughter. That is a constant. As for worrying about Christmas - she is 3 - pick up a couple of things at the Dollar Store and she will be just as happy as anything. Your comfort and love will do her more good than anything else during this time. Act excited and make a big deal over the little things with her, and she will be happy and excited too. Our children take their cues from us when they are that small, so give her your best to go from....that should not be too hard once you get her laughing and smiling. 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I do hope my husband and I continue on the path we are now walking together. It has been a long road getting here, and I wish it had happened sooner (the discovery of renewing/reviving our marriage, definately not the affair). We had more discussions yesterday and it was a tough one. A year ago yesterday he drove the OW back to the airport, then came home and took our girls to the movies like nothing wrong just happened. It was a tough day for him. He was very emotional - said "I did this to us. I'm so sorry. I don't want to be sad any more." I told him I knew what day it was, and perhaps what was getting me through it was that I was hoping he was looking at it as the same way I was - thinking - he has not seen her for 1 year today - "Sayonara b**ch! Where are you at now - right back where you started!". (I was hoping), but I knew that he was reflecting on the horrible devistation he caused and what he sacrificed and almost lost for nothing.

So we had a quiet moment, hugs, ILYs', and got changed and took our girls out for pizza. We had a good night, and I am hoping with last week behind us, things can only get better. We made it! I made it and came out an even newer me through my reflection over the last year. Now we have DD's and some more holidays to deal with....bring em on!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LFTS -- I'm making some short rounds checking up on my fav peeps and I continue to be amazed at the grace you display through this whole thing and the major triggers of this past week (for you.) One thing that continues to strike me as so honest is that your husband will actually let you know when he is triggering too. (I realize he had to head to the bathroom after hearing about the suicide) but really, it sounds like he is tuned in not only to your needs but he's being open about what he's feeling as well which is so good. That keeps you two connected and the windows open between the two of you. (love the Sayannora b**ch). 

We susbscribe to a magazine called "The Week". They always have these hilarious cover illustrations. Last week's showed an illustration of Petraeus and the two dueling broads flanking his powerhouse (not) self. It was actually an amusing illustration. The title said something to the effect of "How could he be so dumb?" -- My father-in-law picked up the magazine and read it and said something like "You know, really, how could he have been that dumb?" -- He wasn't thinking about what he said. (My husband told his parents about his EA.) At that moment I looked over at my husband and he just deflated. The shame washed over him -- he was quiet and had to walk away. I don't think my FIL noticed. Later before bed my husband told me that it was a really, really hard moment for him and I think that was one of the first times he's come close to talking about something triggering him and really feeling it like that (without my triggers triggering him.) In any event, I thought of some of your posts and how your husband has actually let you into that part of him and it just seems so open. 

I hope you all are having a good day today. Nov is almost gone and just a few more months to get through! Go team go!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

two Suns and a CTU will all emerge from this first trip around the calendar in just a few months!! Come on spring!!!!! Actually I am looking forward to early May when NC will be a whole year! Ding flippin' Dong- the witch is DEAD!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> LFTS -- I'm making some short rounds checking up on my fav peeps and I continue to be amazed at the grace you display through this whole thing and the major triggers of this past week (for you.) One thing that continues to strike me as so honest is that your husband will actually let you know when he is triggering too. (I realize he had to head to the bathroom after hearing about the suicide) but really, it sounds like he is tuned in not only to your needs but he's being open about what he's feeling as well which is so good. That keeps you two connected and the windows open between the two of you. (love the Sayannora b**ch).
> 
> We susbscribe to a magazine called "The Week". They always have these hilarious cover illustrations. Last week's showed an illustration of Petraeus and the two dueling broads flanking his powerhouse (not) self. It was actually an amusing illustration. The title said something to the effect of "How could he be so dumb?" -- My father-in-law picked up the magazine and read it and said something like "You know, really, how could he have been that dumb?" -- He wasn't thinking about what he said because my husband told my parents about his EA. At that moment I looked over at my husband and he just deflated. The shame washed over him -- he was quiet and had to walk away. I don't think my FIL noticed. Later before bed my husband told me that it was a really, really hard moment for him and I think that was one of the first times he's come close to talking about something triggering him and really feeling it like that (without my triggers triggering him.) In any event, I thought of some of your posts and how your husband has actually let you into that part of him and it just seems so open.
> 
> I hope you all are having a good day today. Nov is almost gone and just a few more months to get through! Go team go!


Sun - thanks for your support! Hubs does not always let me know directly when he is triggering, but I can see it more now and don't question it, and then when he does let me know, it makes me feel better (even though he still thinks it would make me feel worse, and sometimes it tends to make him feel worse). He is slowly coming around though...it's all about communication and supporting and getting through it together. I have also come to realize that he triggers quite a bit...this has been really hard on him and quite the wake up call. 

Oh - and the other day when he told me that he had been searching for ways to forget or put painful events out of mind - he also said he had been following the news about Petreaus. All I said was "I know. It is a huge mess". It hit home.

It is good that your husband is starting to outwardly show his shame. That is a good sign....it means that he recognizes what he did. I think a truly remorseful spouse has their own stash of pain to weed through. It should be hard for them - to almost single handidly destroy the person/family you vowed to protect and love and watch them crumble in front of you and to have constant reminders and triggers of that...nope - can't be easy.

It is hard to watch him sometimes. I don't wish him pain, but I do want him to feel what is necessary in order to make sure this never happens again. I am hopeful, and I am in it. I just hope we continue to progress as we make it to 1 year of NC.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> two Suns and a CTU will all emerge from this first trip around the calendar in just a few months!! Come on spring!!!!! Actually I am looking forward to early May when NC will be a whole year! Ding flippin' Dong- the witch is DEAD!


"Off wth her head!"....that sounded good at the moment  I am so glad the 3 of us "found" each other, athough I would have rather bumped into you both at a Starbucks and started up conversation there! I know we can do this. I think we all have a sense of humor, which is very important. I think we all have a goal in mind - which is very important. I think we all know that however our hands play out, we will be OK....it hurts like heck, but we haven't rolled over and given up yet, so don't underestimate what we can push through.!

Just keep posting and taking it one day at a time...then when spring has sprung, the sun will shine, the flowers will bloom, and the air just might smell right again....not like the crap we have been dealing with...I hate the smell of crap


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Now see you chiquitas -- you both have miles and miles on me with the NC. Ours starts officially day after tomorrow. Can NOT wait!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Now see you chiquitas -- you both have miles and miles on me with the NC. Ours starts officially day after tomorrow. Can NOT wait!


We will have a virtual party!!!! I know when my H had his last day of contact it was an awesome feeling to be physically rid of HER. Just to not have to accept her name on his phone, in his email or her voice calling MY house(for work) ever ever again was a great relief. I didnt have to hear about their interactions(our rule was he told me anything and everything that happened with her while he still had to work with her.....10 ft away! All day every day...! SUCKED! As you know just the same building is enough to cause your brain to short circuit...

How is your H reacting to her leaving? He has to have some feeling about it I would think.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I can't imagine having them work together - although, about 7 years ago OW was one of my husbands soldiers - that is pretty disgusting in itself. Blah.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I can't imagine having them work together - although, about 7 years ago OW was one of my husbands soldiers - that is pretty disgusting in itself. Blah.


well that doesn't surprise me. seeds were sown (not literally mind you) -- but you know the familiarity bit. my husband and ow worked together for 8+, 9 years. Bits of flirting starting two years ago. One year ago it was engaged and then they were off to the races for the months of Jan and Feb. It took her whittling down after spawning and getting her predator on for him to all of a sudden "see her" in a different light. Now he sees her in another light -- someone who was a threat to our marriage. 

I updated my original thread today. It's blather.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> We will have a virtual party!!!! I know when my H had his last day of contact it was an awesome feeling to be physically rid of HER. Just to not have to accept her name on his phone, in his email or her voice calling MY house(for work) ever ever again was a great relief. I didnt have to hear about their interactions(our rule was he told me anything and everything that happened with her while he still had to work with her.....10 ft away! All day every day...! SUCKED! As you know just the same building is enough to cause your brain to short circuit...
> 
> How is your H reacting to her leaving? He has to have some feeling about it I would think.


How bout a party tomorrow? or after I get through this slump? I updated my thread so you can read my "poor me" there. This too will pass. (I kinda hate my original thread -- but someday I'll export it so I have a record of what I was feeling over time.) Thanks for all your help CTU and LFTS (GG too.)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> How bout a party tomorrow? or after I get through this slump? I updated my thread so you can read my "poor me" there. This too will pass. (I kinda hate my original thread -- but someday I'll export it so I have a record of what I was feeling over time.) Thanks for all your help CTU and LFTS (GG too.)


OH girl! Read mine " Fingers and toes crossed" how pathetic but its miserable while its happening, I so get it. Its not "poor me" its "God this sucks so much". Bleed on sister, we're listening.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Go on and vent, a tus anchas, we are here to listen and support. I feel better when I know I am not crazy. Tomorrow I will be in and out of meetings until like 2 or 3 my time (Atlantic) and Friday available after 1PM.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Go on and vent, a tus anchas, we are here to listen and support. I feel better when I know I am not crazy. Tomorrow I wil be in and out of meetings until like 2 or 3 my time (Atlantic) and Friday available after 1PM.


Mis hermanas! I feel like I'm hijacking LFTS's (Sun1, I'll be Sun2) thread. Thx for all the support. Just had a good cry. Geez, can't I just get overmyself? Sick of myself. I need to work and instead I'm here and just can't get anything done. Think I'll run some errands and come back and try again. My post from this morning is here -- last pp of my post is the part particularly that has me down. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49584-getting-over-my-husbands-ea-3.html


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Good to see you ladies on here....will have to check out your updates.

My update....a year out, and the 3 glasses of wine that were free at the new restaraunt we went to that didn't have their liquor license yet so could not sell but could serve is what is making me feel sick this morning.... Other than that, I feel good 

It was a good dinner with the family, TV night for hubs and I and then instead of grownup time, I fell asleep on his chest as he posted a picture of me and our daughters on OUR facebook page (OW is blocked).


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Good to see you ladies on here....will have to check out your updates.
> 
> My update....a year out, and the 3 glasses of wine that were free at the new restaraunt we went to that didn't have their liquor license yet so could not sell but could serve is what is making me feel sick this morning.... Other than that, I feel good
> 
> It was a good dinner with the family, TV night for hubs and I and then instead of grownup time, I fell asleep on his chest as he posted a picture of me and our daughters on OUR facebook page (OW is blocked).


Awesome, awesome, awesome update! hilarious about the vino. And lovely imagery falling asleep (or was it passing out?) on his chest. So nice......


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Good to see you ladies on here....will have to check out your updates.
> 
> My update....a year out, and the 3 glasses of wine that were free at the new restaraunt we went to that didn't have their liquor license yet so could not sell but could serve is what is making me feel sick this morning.... Other than that, I feel good
> 
> It was a good dinner with the family, TV night for hubs and I and then instead of grownup time, I fell asleep on his chest as he posted a picture of me and our daughters on OUR facebook page (OW is blocked).


Next time have 2 glasses fo water with aspirin before you go to bed and you will feel better!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Probably a little of both...shame of me...that is trickle truth...ok....passed out...but I do remember him telling me he was posting us......and then the alarm went off. It was a good night, but I am swearing off alcohol for the next 2 months....hubs and I are starting Insanity again together....I think he is starting to get motivated again and maybe (hopefully) moving out of his depression.....hope all the "dates" coming up don't let us or him slip back...I am starting to really like where this is going and I don't want it to slow down any time soon.

The family that goes "Insane" together, stays together


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ...but I do remember him telling me


bwaaaa haaa haaaa haaa. 



on a serious note --- sounds like you all are doing great!!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Good Lord - please help me through this one!

MAJOR TRIGGER - came about innocently enough...then curiosity - then found something that could be nothing but when you have been betrayed, "nothings" become something...texted hubs - says it isn't anything - I am on the fence...scared to be here at this point. He is mad that I think it is something then responded angrily (is that a word)??? His response triggereed me more - "but what's the truth from me right?"

I know he is at work...then he throws how he hates this and how he hates work - breath - breath - breath....

It's not going to be a good night :-(


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Good Lord - please help me through this one!
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER - came about innocently enough...then curiosity - then found something that could be nothing but when you have been betrayed, "nothings" become something...texted hubs - says it isn't anything - I am on the fence...scared to be here at this point. He is mad that I think it is something then responded angrily (is that a word)??? His response triggereed me more - "but what's the truth from me right?"
> 
> ...


tell us more.... what triggered you in the first place?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Here is an email I sent to him - I think you can figure it out from this. I can't type it again - will just change names...

I wanted to download a game for (youngest daughter) to surprise her when she got home. I needed the Apple login to do this. I sent you a text. You did not respond. I clicked on the itunes app on the computer, your yahoo acct came up, so i figured i could just reset the password and have it sent to that email. So I reset it, logged into that account - I didn't see an email for it, but did see a welcome to HTC account or something like that, so I clicked on it. I opend it up, curious, used the standard login info, and looked at acct details to see what it was. The birthday said XXX, 1970. I know you have used Jan 1, 1970 in the past for bogus accounts, so wondered why you picked XXX .I triggered - just coming off a very tough week. 



I texted you - asked you to trust me. I wanted to get through this on my own, but needed the info for confirmation. In the past, you were very inconsistant. You gave me different information on different occasions - changed dates, stories, numbers, etc. Those are the things that hurt the most. The lies and inconsistancies and half truths are what dragged everything out. Instead of the band-aid just being taken off with one swift pull, it was slowly lifted, then pressed back down, then slowly lifted over and over again. I would have been better off and preferred everything coming out at once.



So when you told me that you didn't remember, and that the dates you gave me today were not the dates you gave me in the past, I don't know what I am supposed to think. To not remember someones birthday....recent...and a date that you told me you resumed contact - for you to not remember is a little unbelievable. Sorry if that hurts, but put yourself in my shoes. 





Then your reaction to me - the anger - the "but what's the truth from me right?" That is the response I used to get from you 9 months ago. It And your work and us - 2 very seperate things, but yet you always wrap us in with it. 



I was wrong for contacting you at work about it. I'm sorry. I really did want to nip that in the bud myself. I started off today hung over, but happy. I wanted it to end that way too. I don't know what to thnk when you respond to me that way. I can understand if you are upset, but after all the times we have talked about ita nd experienced it, and you telling me that whatever I need....what am I supposed to think. 


...ok - so I basically triggered thinking the worst - that the date was her birthdate - hoping not - wanted him to confirm (I know asking him for "her" birthdate is not normal and I don't know what I was thinking that he wouldn't need more than that to trust me....but anyway - he called me - said it was either this day or this day - he couldn't remember exactly. I still don't belive it and not sure why he would lie about it. At this point he didn't know why I was asking. I just told him I needed it. He told me in the past it was one date and that was the date that he resumed contact again (2 weeks after DD 3) to send her an e-card for her birthday. 

So I googled her and the date in quesion - a website with pictures of her came up wth a creation date of that month/date (not year). I texted him I found a correlation. 
His response in text to me - 

Yep I found (date) why I picked that date is beyond me (my name). I know I randomly picked a number, believe me don't believe me. I don't know what else to say, I thought her birthday was on 17 or 18. No, I wasn't lyning to you. What do I say. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you and I don't know what to say or do but there was no intent when I set that up and I don't have passwords or anything associated with her. ****ING SICK OF THIS ****. You still think I have something inside me.? And this ****ing job I'm ****ing working and they ****ing still give me **** I won't be here much longer I'm not doing this **** any more...!!!!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

hmmmmm.....I don't like his response. 

He could have said "I'm sorry you triggered, we will talk about this when I get home"

He seems very defensive...

Do you feel that he could be hiding anything? Or do you think that it is just a trigger?

I triggered bad earlier this year. Turns out stbxh started an EA. This was 5 yrs post EA/PA and we were supposably in R. He said similar things to me when I would email him at work or ask any sorts of questions about things (he worked with her)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Here is an email I sent to him - I think you can figure it out from this. I can't type it again - will just change names...
> 
> I wanted to download a game for (youngest daughter) to surprise her when she got home. I needed the Apple login to do this. I sent you a text. You did not respond. I clicked on the itunes app on the computer, your yahoo acct came up, so i figured i could just reset the password and have it sent to that email. So I reset it, logged into that account - I didn't see an email for it, but did see a welcome to HTC account or something like that, so I clicked on it. I opend it up, curious, used the standard login info, and looked at acct details to see what it was. The birthday said XXX, 1970. I know you have used Jan 1, 1970 in the past for bogus accounts, so wondered why you picked XXX .I triggered - just coming off a very tough week.
> 
> ...


Ok. Well I will say that Im not thrilled with his response. It likely should have waited to be dealt with when he got home but I know when the trigger hits just how hard it is to control. So some of his 'attitude' can be accounted for bc he's at work. As far as him being ****ing sick of this.....well you reap what you sew. If he thinks he's sick of it he should be in your shoes. At least HE got some fun out of it at some point. All you've ever gotten from it is misery. But its fatigue on his part too and I get that. He does however need to apologize and get hold of himself quickly.

So let me be sure I have this right- he has an account that you didnt know about and the password is HER birthdate? And he's claiming its a coincidence? Thats not likely. As we all know the lies are worse than any truth. But to say he "randomly picked a date" that happened to be her BD just seems far fetched to say the least. 

And whats with the job issue?? Am I missing something here?

*"And this ****ing job I'm ****ing working and they ****ing still give me **** I won't be here much longer I'm not doing this **** any more...!!!!!"*

So how are you feeling now? What are your plans for dealing with this? What kind of account is it?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

The account is not even an email account - I knew this - not the issue. It is an account that he set up for his new phone so he could get updtes. There is no email capability associated with it. 

The date it was was a date close to what he told me her birthday was. 3 days off. Seeing that just made we wonder if he didn't tell me the truth when I asked him back then....but now that I think of it, I am almost certain that I remember seeing in his old/now cosed email when he sent an ecard on the day he told me her birthday was. 

Still - I triggered - what if he told me wrong and this happened to be her bday and he was still associating wth her? I could not believe it, but yet my mind told me that anything is possible. So, I texted him and asked when her bday was....at work. The whole work thing - he hates it. It's a desk job - he's retired army - since he was in the affair from last Oct untl now, he has been behind and they are riding him hard. He is in a constant mode of catch-up. He is stressed from that ALWAYS. But he knows it is because of what he did. He has to judge people to decide if they are worthy enough to give a chance and approve for a job. That is a trigger - he has to go through peoples files, read about infidelities, divorce, child support, and of course seeing specificdates.......I get all of that - his job is a daily trigger...and I was wrong to text him there. I know that. I hd been getting better at that, but I slipped. I own that. 

We talked on his way home from work. I told him how I tried to handle it on my own, but when he told me he didn't remember - then I had to point it out - I find it hard to believe that you don't remember the birthday of someone you were goin to divorce me for...he said he reacted like he did becuase he is angry and doesn't know what he is supposed to do - that he is telling the truth and has been since NC but I still don't belive him. So, I reminded him that he did this. All of the lies and deceipt he did back then are rippling into now. And when he reacts like he did he reacts like he did back then, and he is giving me every reason in the world not to believ him then. I told him/reminded that most triggers I don't need elp with, but coming off a hard week and him saying he does not remember the exact date when he told me something definite in the past (lying past), and then I googles the date an it was a date that she opened up an account with pics of her - I googled other dates but nothing came up - could not find her birth date. This is the one I found. He kept telling me that he just typed in a random date and it didn't mean anythin and he didn't remember if it was X day or X day for her birthday, an then said "(My name), I don't even remember the exact date that my dad died. I just know it was the end of August. I don't remember every specific dte, and if any date I should remember, that is significant."

I told him that while we were doing great, the one thing he keeps messing up is being supportive of every trigger I have. I had one last night - trailer for new Lord of the Rings movie came on. He grabbed my hand and rubbed my arm as tears rolled down my cheeks (the significance to that series is in another thread). I triggered last week, he triggered and we talked. Sometimes he is great, others not so much. I think it has to do with what kind of a day he has at work. I told him that any betrayed spouse will say that it is better to rip the band-aid off and tell the whole truth and all details once, rather than to drag it out and trickle truth. Because he didn't do that and becuase nothing he said to me meant anything between the day he started talking to her until DD4 and the day he stopped talking to her for good, I told him that any inconsistancy that pops up will be questionable, and that is on him. 

The date - could it be coincidence - sure. He never uses his real bday - but why that date out of 365 dates? instead of the 1st, he chose the 16th. Am I making something out of nothing, maybe, but mabe not. My heart and head are at odds again. I hate this.

So I told him I would let him go (he was supposed to get a beer after work with a coworker), instead he stopped at the convenience store, bought beer and came home. He came up to me in the kitchen, hugged me and said he loved me. I told him I loved him too but my hug wa not as tight as it usually is. Then he went upstairs and is playing a video game with the girls online with his nephew.

Up to this point, there has been no indication of anything relating to her. We have been doing great. I so hate this.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So, you've had 4 dd's?!?!?! He should be kissing the ground you walk on, Im sorry. Oh LFTS. Im gonna go read your original thread, Ive only read this one I think. 

So some words of encouragement- alot of WS' would have gone on to have that beer with the coworker(mine would not have and thankfully yours didnt). Thats a great thing. It would have been a real kick in the head. I understand his getting a bit bent at having to deal with this at work HOWEVER you shouldnt have to deal with this AT ALL sooooooo he's gonna have to buck up here. Is he usually bad with dates? It is possible that this is coincidence. Its unlikely IMO but it is _possible_. So to me, I think you wait and watch. Whats your plan? and how are you feeling today?


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So, you've had 4 dd's?!?!?! He should be kissing the ground you walk on, Im sorry. Oh LFTS. Im gonna go read your original thread, Ive only read this one I think.
> 
> So some words of encouragement- alot of WS' would have gone on to have that beer with the coworker(mine would not have and thankfully yours didnt). Thats a great thing. It would have been a real kick in the head. I understand his getting a bit bent at having to deal with this at work HOWEVER you shouldnt have to deal with this AT ALL sooooooo he's gonna have to buck up here. Is he usually bad with dates? It is possible that this is coincidence. Its unlikely IMO but it is _possible_. So to me, I think you wait and watch. Whats your plan? and how are you feeling today?


I'm with CTU on that.....Gotta say, didn't like his defensiveness and the bleepin bleeps. Those never seem to be a good sign (however, when we let it rip, you know, we are *s e r i o u s!*)

I hope as well that it's just exhaustion on his part and that it was a mental slip. I found the whole explanation a bit confusing so still not entirely sure what happened but I know, that you know if something seems fishy or amiss. It's his job to PROVE to you by his actions (and reassure with his words even if they don't sink in) that he was telling the truth. He is so not allowed to put anything on you for not believing his words. (We had some of that talk last night. H is bummed, but 'understands' that I still don't trust him. Heck I told him some trust is better than 0 --- cuz I have some trust now.) It's important that your husband not blow any trust he's built back up in the bank so he should be working in overdrive to make sure he's making deposits.

And honestly, I'm not quite sure I understand him getting mad at you regarding contacting him at work. If it's a top secret environment that discourages non-secure, familial contact during work hours I understand. But otherwise, I would assume his handling the 'inconvenient' calls is part of his duty to address your needs caused by his "poor choices".

Hope you're doing okay today. Thinking of you......


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

How's it going there LFTS? Whats the feeling today? Youve slept on it now. whats your perspective? I just wanted to ask when did he open this account? I think it matters if he opened it a year ago as opposed to a month ago especially IF he's using ANYTHING having to do with the OW. Like if My H had an acct using AP's BD that he opened during the EA it would be far less hurtful than it would be if he did it DURING R. See where Im going?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

How is today going? Do you feel any better? It really does help to hear your perspective to help me understand BH's questions about different things. 

There are times I feel like responding the way he has but then I step back and remember that he's only doing this because I hurt him. 

I really hope it gets better for you both.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

D-day was one year ago today. Still in R. It has been better but I have been sleeping on the couch the last two nights and plan on it again tonight. Triggers!!!! My WS seems not to care about these dates and what they do to me. I keep warning her about me having bad days on these dates and she blows them off and says she doesn't remember. I have not spoken to her today, we normally speak a few times during the day. We are now together in our new home and the other day she had to go to our other home to take my youngest son (he is renting our home that we build 16 years ago) to court. She came home in a bad mood and I was triggering. I called my son later to see how court went. He told me that he told his mother (my wife) that if she ever does this again (have an A) he will never speak to her again. They are very close and I had thought that perhaps he had put this behind him and based upon what my wife was telling me I thought my son saw some of the reasons she had an A. I was wrong. My son does not get it either and is still very upset at what his mother did to me. He asked me not to say anything to her about what he said. At least I understand her bad mood. In one way I still feel that she is trying to get support in justifying her A. That is my thinking and may not have any truth to it. 

Hang in there. Our lives are changed forever due to someone's selfishness.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thinking of you LFTS and hoping all is as good as can be for now. Hang in there.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Thinking of you LFTS and hoping all is as good as can be for now. Hang in there.


Me too. Hope you're okay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Good morning all! Sorry - I didn't mean to bail yesterday. Wednesday was not a good night. In summary - i do believe it was random. It wasn't here birthday, the account was set up on Nov 5 - the day after he got his phone, but again, it is just an account to get phone app updates - no email or anything like that. Remorse - yes - he admitted to be ing a jerk, a shi**y husband, father, friend for how he reacted . I told him he was doing everything right but handle the triggers that hurt me the most (I think I was just giving advice to another TAMmer about this last week) poorly. I asked him why the reaction, why couldn't he see that any little coincidence IS a big deal. He said because he was telling the truth and he knew that because of what he did there was nothing he could say to convince me otherwise. He said he has been trying hard and felt like I attacked him and told him that nothing he has done matters and I still think he lies about everything. 
I told him that was not true, but I just came off a hard week and (I told him I know he did too), but when a trigger like that hits, as a BS, you don't want to wait until it festers....your heart feels 
like it is going to explode. Again, I stressed to him the importance of being there no matter what and taking it, because we would not be having the conversations or me dealing with triggers if he didn't cheat. And no matter how well we do, there will be ripples from the past, and all we can do is work through them together. 

It got ugly, he got drunk and said some things out of anger and drunkiness. I knew better than to try and reason with him, but I was so mad. We both said divorce, even though its not what we want. He asked me how I could still love him after what he did, asked me if I would tell our daughters to stay with a man who did what he did to them. I said no. He nodded his head and said that we don't ever let happen to them what he did to us. Then he told me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, how he doesn't deserve me, but how thankful he is for me. I asked him why he loved me, and he said because we have been married for 16 years. I countered that with "people have shoes for 16 years, doesn't mean they are not indisposable". He said "Because we have children together: and I countered that with "people who have children get divorced all the time", then he said "because we are good for each other", and I countered that with how is this good for either of us. He said because I was good for him. ( I was careful not to throw out - well if we were so good for each other and I am good for you, why did you cheat - very counterproductive), then he said" because when we are good, we are great. Because we make each other laugh. Because we make each other smile. Because I love you. I just love you so much and I am so sorry I did this to us. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I messed up and I am so sorry. I want us to be happy again more than anything and I don't know how to fix it. I thought I was doing the right things but you told me you don't belive me and I don't know what to do. It makes me feel like I am back at day 0 and I haven't helped us at all. I don't remember the day my dad died. I don't remember the day Sgt. XYZ died, so I wear a rememberance bracelet to remind me. My head is so messed up I don't hardly remember anything anymore. I swear there was nothing - no meaning, nothing when I typed in the date for the account. It was random. I didn't think it mattered what day it was. It was just a number. I have no ties to her, I have no feelings for her. I wish I had never met her. I hate her. I hate that we are going through this and nothing happened to her. I know I did it, but I hate it that she gets away like nothing happened and she did nothing wrong."

So, I told him that I did not care about her, that I care about us, and he needs to let that go. I asked how does he know that she is not miserable, and he said he doesn't know, but he hoped she was. 

I took the day off of work yesterday to reflect and get caught up on housework and laundry - my therapy  House is clean - I feel better. What do I make of this? I connected a random date with a date that is not significant, just a # date that she had an account set up on 3 years ago. 

I know I got him at work and that was a bad thing. I know he is already under huge stress there. I could have waited.

I did attack - looking back at my texts - I called him a liar before I explained why.

What he did wrong - he got drunk - he got defensive when he should have been sympathetic. 

What I still see - he is still having a very hard time accepting what he did - maybe not accepting - he knows what he did and he knows the damage it caused - but moving past it - he is struggling. 

Where we are at - we are good. Maybe these moments happen for a reason - he was in a funk with work - he knows that he needs to try harder over all and said he was. 

I am happy again - he sees where he still needs to do more work, and I hope Wednesday night was his trigger to kick it up a notch.

A year ago, my life felt like Hope Floats. Now, it feels more like the Notebook (and I can't watch either anymore because Hope floats was one of my faves but just too "real", and I can't watch the Notebook because they watched it - hubs and I watched it first, but it was one of her things to try and romance him in I think. 

But those are just movies, ad this is my life, so who knows how the ending will turn out. I just know that we have breakfast with Santa scheduled for tomorrow morning and date night tonight after the girls are asleep....today is a good day.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> D-day was one year ago today. Still in R. It has been better but I have been sleeping on the couch the last two nights and plan on it again tonight. Triggers!!!! My WS seems not to care about these dates and what they do to me. I keep warning her about me having bad days on these dates and she blows them off and says she doesn't remember. I have not spoken to her today, we normally speak a few times during the day. We are now together in our new home and the other day she had to go to our other home to take my youngest son (he is renting our home that we build 16 years ago) to court. She came home in a bad mood and I was triggering. I called my son later to see how court went. He told me that he told his mother (my wife) that if she ever does this again (have an A) he will never speak to her again. They are very close and I had thought that perhaps he had put this behind him and based upon what my wife was telling me I thought my son saw some of the reasons she had an A. I was wrong. My son does not get it either and is still very upset at what his mother did to me. He asked me not to say anything to her about what he said. At least I understand her bad mood. In one way I still feel that she is trying to get support in justifying her A. That is my thinking and may not have any truth to it.
> 
> Hang in there. Our lives are changed forever due to someone's selfishness.


 Yep - wish we had the option of choosing if this happened to us or not...and the unanimous answer would be "ummmm.....heck NO!"

Thorburn - glad to see you again - sorry that you are still having issues too. Congrats on the new home. I think it is great that your son called her out - I think WS's need a reminder every now and again not to get comfortable too quickly. I am sorry if she seems to be justifying the affair - that should never be the case. She should own that it was wrong and stupid and build on that. She should never think there was any good reason for it. 

So what are your plans for Christmas? Will you have it at your new home or at your old one with your son there?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Triggers just plain ole' suck dont they. You were going thru on Wednesday what I went thru last week. The triggers can consume us if we arent careful. Your H, like mine didnt have the 'right' reaction and made that trigger 10 x's what it already was. I hope he realizes what to do next time. This R thing is the hardest work any of us are likely to ever do. 

glad youre back on track LFTS! Im sure we'll all have to pull each others's train back up on the track over the next few months. Good work talking it thru with him. Be sure to go back now and acknowledge what he IS doing right so he has the strength to keep fighting.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

CTU - I know - us BS's have to remember that - to support and love the WS too so long as we are choosing R. Without that, R won't work. 

Hate the triggers, but make-up XXX is always good 

Feel Lucky Tonight - YouTube

(no - I am not in this video


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> CTU - I know - us BS's have to remember that - to support and love the WS too so long as we are choosing R. Without that, R won't work.
> 
> Hate the triggers, but make-up XXX is always good
> 
> ...


Bow chick wow-wow!!!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

So I've typed about three different posts here and then deleted and started over....everything I write seems so trite, or rote, or silly in comparison to what you've just posted. Bottom line is, I'm so glad YOU are okay and that the two of you were able to work through the mother of triggers.

They really do need to know when they're getting it right! So important.

When they get defensive, however, and have scents of stonewall it compounds the trigger and then...more work to get out. I'm so glad you two dug out. Good show. 

Have a wonderful "date" night, after "the girls go to sleep". winky winky.

hugs,

sun2


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Bow chick wow-wow!!!


Thanks - and now when it starts to heat up, I will picture your post and that 70's porn music.....good thing I made a song list - cheesy, teenage-like, but anything to get bow chicka wow wow out of my head  And what if I start to laugh ...I am screwed...no pun intended!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> So I've typed about three different posts here and then deleted and started over....everything I write seems so trite, or rote, or silly in comparison to what you've just posted. Bottom line is, I'm so glad YOU are okay and that the two of you were able to work through the mother of triggers.
> 
> They really do need to know when they're getting it right! So important.
> 
> ...


Thanks - it was a mother, but I did not handle it well (neither did he - and a hangover the next day I am sure  ) yes, I still see a coincidence - maybe just a small one, but things are going to happen. I have to try to really look at all angles - sometimes hard, and sometimes not what you want to see - but not enough to go on when everything else is right. I even tried to get him to slip up a few times while he was drunk...didn't even do that, so I have to let this go (and I am happy to) and chalk it up to a bad moment.

Bed time at 7 PM tonight!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I even tried to get him to slip up a few times while he was drunk...didn't even do that, so I have to let this go (and I am happy to) and chalk it up to a bad moment.
> 
> Bed time at 7 PM tonight!


omg -- i would've done that too! i would've used the drunk scene to try to get some more info, just to see if he could keep all of his former stories straight. so twisted. but in some way reassuring that we're all 'alike' 

'cept i'm not going to bed at 7pm tonight. you lucky duck. (those are for ctu) and these are for u


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Really good weekend, but had a trigger at Build-a-Bear yesterday. Last year right after DD (around this time) we took the girls to BAB right before his hockey game....I thought we were in R back then (clearly not the case).....so yesterday it came flooding back for a minute and I had to spend about 5 min in the rest room to stop the tears and wait out the flushed face. I thinks hubs knew...when I came out my eyes were glassy and he just looked at me for a second but did not say anything. I didn't make anymore of it and we went on to his hockey game and had a good day and night. DD is Dec 7 :-(


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Damn those triggers! Had a couple of small ones myself this weekend. So sorry they are plaguing you so much right now. This too shall pass. Dec was a really bad month for us last year too. I really started pushing him about her. He got more and more defensive. December 13th was the infamous "you are a jealous nutjob. You should see a dr for that!" And I broke my hand that day....He went right back to her the next day and sent her his all tiime high of 66 emails THAT day plus loads and loads of face time. Clearly totally unaffected by my misery. Triggers SUCK! I hope you got thru your night as best you could and H was supportive.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Sorry to hear about the hand - ouch. Well, I didn't break my hand, but I did seriously bruise it a couple of times in the last year. Try as I might, can't punch through or open hand slap a 12 X 12 wooden pillar and bring the patio roof down  Not some of my better moments. 


Yesterday was hard, but I got through it pretty quickly, and once we left BAB, I didn't even think of it again. We had a great night and the girls said it was one of the best days ever. We put them to bed together, talked about their favorit parts of the day,and then had some alone time (until 4 year old came sneaking in about 2 AM)...not looking forward to Friday...will try not to think about it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Yep - wish we had the option of choosing if this happened to us or not...and the unanimous answer would be "ummmm.....heck NO!"
> 
> Thorburn - glad to see you again - sorry that you are still having issues too. Congrats on the new home. I think it is great that your son called her out - I think WS's need a reminder every now and again not to get comfortable too quickly. I am sorry if she seems to be justifying the affair - that should never be the case. She should own that it was wrong and stupid and build on that. She should never think there was any good reason for it.
> 
> So what are your plans for Christmas? Will you have it at your new home or at your old one with your son there?


Having Christmas in our new home. It is starting to look really nice. My wife has done quite a bit to make it look really nice. I will be painting one large room tonight in the upstairs. One project after another but it is fun.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Just wanted to say hello. Glad you were able to get through that trigger and it ended with a good night. Will be thinking of you on Friday. Hope you have something wonderful planned to offset the old and create something new!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Doin ok LFTS? Friday is almost here and gone. Keep talking to your H. I know you will. this too will pass.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

So last night I kind of guilted hubby to work out - told him that he didn't have to but I was going to anyway. So we did, and he was quiet all the way through. Not even a complaint on how hard it was. Then after, I drank my recovery shake and he ate pizza and drank a beer. Soon it was 10 pm and I gave him a kiss and told him I was going to bed. He asked if I was tired and I said yes - we have stayed up late the last 2 nights <wink> and the opportunity to get a decent nights sleep sounded good. He said I was acting weird. I said I was fine and asked if he was OK...he said just frustrated with our youngest who has been a bit stubborn this last week and not wanting to go to bed.

Instant reaction from me - I felt like he was projecting to take what I thought was weird (him working out and then throwing that effort away by pigging out and having a drink). So I put on PJs, brushed my teeth and he followed me in. Said I was acting strange. I told him that I have been down this road before - he asked what that meant. I told him that whenever something was bothering him, he would turn it around to make it seem like something was wrong with me. I told him if something was bothering him, and he didn't want to talk about it, that was fine. I didn't need to know, and he did not need to bring me into it or make me feel like it was me. I was just fine not knowing anything and going to bed. 

So, he followed me in and cuddled up behind me and I know I fell asleep. This morning he gives me the regular morning kiss goodbye and send me a text that he loves me and a link to Lee Brice Hard to Love song. So I told him I love him too. Now he is texting me to go do an assessment to start Crossfit training at a gym 20 min from our house - $125 a month. I am POd about that. What about our Insanity or rip60 that we have that we can do at home together - no cost. The results have been amazing (for me anyway). 

What is that. Is he seeing that he is not getting the same results...is it a new fad (he does that)....Honestly, I am not in the mindset to have hm going to a gym without me. I don't belive that is the reason - he wanted us to get assessed together, but he knows that we can't both go because we have kids and no childcare there. Breath....I was fine a second ago...athough, wth Friday being DD#1 anniversary - thinking of how it all went down...God, what is this - I am shaking and tearing up. Thoughts of calling OW's BF and exposing her on the same day as my DD are crossing my mind. WTF. This is not good. I hate this feeling.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LFTS, oh my goodness, sounds like a very, very bad trigger. I'm typing on my phone so apologies in advance for poor thumb work and truncated sentences. I can totally understand how all of that would crescendo in your feeling low especially with tomorrow being the day. LFTS you need to talk to your husband and to the best of your ability explain all of this to him, even show him your post if it makes it easier. Hopefully this was just a clueless action on his part. If his joining a gym 20 minutes away from you where only one can go at a time (b/c of child are issues) then let him know this. Out of concern for YOU he should put that on hold until you feel safe. This is his work. This isn't one of those triggers you handle by yourself. Everything will feel magnified right now. If he insists on joining anyway or makes you feel guilty for asking him not to go then as you know, that's not good. He should be supportive and understanding. 

Re the beer and pizza, I have to say I chuckled at that. I realize it wasn't your healthy choice but the GOOD thing was that he exercised with you. Celebrate the positive. Maybe exercising at home is hard for him. Don't most gyms have childcare? Does this gym 20 min away have any? If not can you encourage him to find one that does and see how he reacts to that?

Can you do something for yourself today to cheer yourself up? It's understandable that you're hyper-sensitive right now. He can't "be there" with you unless he knows what's really going on. (My husband tried and tried last tues-Monday and it was a "female dog in heat". I didn't handle the triggers well at all and was too numb to let him help. 

Big, big hug
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thank you again  Just my overload I think - these darn triggers. So we texted more - I asked him why and he said a guy at work has been telling him how great crossfit is and that he should try it. I told him that I was happy with Insanity, but if he wanted to do that he could. We couldn't both do it because of childcare (its a small specialzed gym), so if he wasn't happy with what we had at home (and we have a bowflex, treadmill and heavy bag at home too), he could, but I was going to keep doing our program bcause I liked the results. 

He said he was fine with working out at home and wanted to add running too. He just thought it would be neat to check out and do something new, but maybe we could finish this program and try another one after to do at home together.

So - we both agreed that we need to shop healthy again and get moving. We were supposed to start back up last week after being sick, but that didn't happen. With all the dates/triggers flying around, I knew I couldn't wait. 

About last night - yes - it was good he worked out. He didn't want to, but he did. Why was he projecting, or was I just imagining it? I don't know. I am sure he knows what Friday is too - maybe that is on his mind. I honestly can't believe I stayed when I think about it now, but I am glad I did. It's just heartbreaking what he put me through (what any of our WSs put us through). Is this normal - to reflect on DD when it comes up? I know it is all true - obviously, but a part of me still finds it unexplainable how a person flips like that and throws everything away without a second thought.

Well, that is not healthy to be dwelling on, so I won't. I know I need to focus on where we are now. Our problems and our arguments now are only results of the affair. Ripples - waste. If that never happened and we were like we are when that is not the gorrilla in the room, we are amazing....how we were a long time ago. Almost like our marriage was reborn..and I guess in a sense it was. 

Sorry - I am just reflecting way too much - trying to talk myself down and typing it all out - that is how cope - I think I give myself good advice, and for the most part it has served me well. I just really appreciate this site and all of the advice, support and reflection I get from everyone else....because you have walked in my shoes....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Lfts, If you cant handle him being at the gym just yet- tell him so and why or as Sun said I think most gym's have childcare. 

Keep your eye on the ball here. What you want is within your reach. Keep talking to him. Pull when you feel like pushing. Get thru these next few days. I think youre gonna feel better once youre over the year past dday hump. But the ride to get there is a mother- huh? I feel ya. Keep up that exercising, it will do wonders for pumping the good chemicals and keeping your spirits up. Is it possible to make a date night for tomorrow?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Thank you again  Just my overload I think - these darn triggers. So we texted more - I asked him why and he said a guy at work has been telling him how great crossfit is and that he should try it. I told him that I was happy with Insanity, but if he wanted to do that he could. We couldn't both do it because of childcare (its a small specialzed gym), so if he wasn't happy with what we had at home (and we have a bowflex, treadmill and heavy bag at home too), he could, but I was going to keep doing our program bcause I liked the results.
> 
> He said he was fine with working out at home and wanted to add running too. He just thought it would be neat to check out and do something new, but maybe we could finish this program and try another one after to do at home together.
> 
> ...


cope on girl! We are here with you. We get it. This week you need the help. Come the 13th or so Im probably gonna be saying these very same things. and Im sure the triggers will be building to peak levels between now and then. So right now its ok for you to reflect. Probably good so long as you reflect and then look forward. This first trip around the calendar is no fun for any of us. You LFTS, have had your share of misery. But what you want is there for the taking. You just have to get thru the here and now.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Lfts, If you cant handle him being at the gym just yet- tell him so and why or as Sun said I think most gym's have childcare.
> 
> Keep your eye on the ball here. What you want is within your reach. Keep talking to him. Pull when you feel like pushing. Get thru these next few days. I think youre gonna feel better once youre over the year past dday hump. But the ride to get there is a mother- huh? I feel ya. Keep up that exercising, it will do wonders for pumping the good chemicals and keeping your spirits up. Is it possible to make a date night for tomorrow?


Yes! This ^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

I have the same problem. Unfortunately no one really seems to care. They think that I should have gotten over it by now even though it's only been 4 months since. His friends tell me I'm abusive and try to get him to divorce me whenever I tell him how I feel and they find out about it. 

I guess the only thing I can say to help is that what you're going to in my opinion is normal.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks - and hugs to you  The gym thing - I think he just wants to get motivated again and I know he has been looking at the program, but until today has not said "hey, let's do it". So I guess I can look at it in that sense - he is motivated again. He just loses sight easily that what we have at home is good and works great if we keep at it - kind of like our marriage and he ventured for something new, eh? 

Boo....anywho, not sure what we are going to do Friday night. We have another couple (aquaintances from soccer that we like and I hope we can become regular friends with- are just swapping babysitting for now - haven't hung out, but I thnk they are good people and would be happy if hubs and other hubby hung out - good family values - him and I co-coached my oldest daughters soccer team) and their kids coming over Saturday night to watch boxing, so we might stay in and save money for that. We definitely keep busy, and that helps. Now we have someone to trade babysitting with once a month so we can go on dates. Also found a babysitter who does overnight sitting (also from soccer - great connections), so we can have a late night/early morning date and not worry about the kids. All things we never did or moved away from doing that made our marriage a bit dull at times. All we needed to do was do it. How simple is that? That is why working out is very important to me. I have control over that and I will never feel uncomfortable in my skin again. I can work out by myself if I have to, but I prefer doing it together. Its a motivator and makes it enjoyable.

I just type way too much....random thoughts...that's what happens when you work from home and your only communication is with coworkers via email and text 

You hang in there too. Our situations are tough, but we are tougher. I'll be here if you need a friend :smthumbup:


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Laurelindoren said:


> I have the same problem. Unfortunately no one really seems to care. They think that I should have gotten over it by now even though it's only been 4 months since. His friends tell me I'm abusive and try to get him to divorce me whenever I tell him how I feel and they find out about it.
> 
> I guess the only thing I can say to help is that what you're going to in my opinion is normal.


Sorry you are here on this site - sound like hubs needs some new friends...I bet they knew about the affair and didn't tell you?

I haven't read your story yet (if you posted), but 4 months out - how does he act towrds you? Is there full transparency? Why is he talking so much to his friends? Does he tell you that they think he should divorce you or do they? If he is telling you, that is a bad sign in my opinion - he is listening to them and he should never tell you something like that if he is remorseful and trying to work it out with you. If this is the case, he is keeping you on egg shells and from experience, maybe hoping that you will say you have had enough and make you be "the bad guy and file for divorce from him. And if tht is the case, most likely he is still in the affair....its like a flow chart - one thing means one thing and that is a result. of something else.

If it i his friends saying it to you, he should have told them to shut up and he should realize that his friends are toxic to any chance you may have in working through this. Again, I have not read your story, and maybe I am jumping the gun, but I know how my hubs was when I thought the affair was done and it was not - he didn't defend me, fight for me, and even told me "well she said"......that one still haunts me. Just some things to think about.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I agree. My H would tell his friends to STFU real quick like or they wouldnt be friends for very long. Your H needs to support you. He messed up BIG TIME and its gonna take BIG TIME effort to fix. Sounds like beginning with his 'friends'. 

Make sure he is worth the pain of R. What is he doing to help you? Is he transparent? Has he told you everything? Is he remorseful?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

good morning Lfts! I hope the day finds you as well as possible. I know its a big day today. I thought of you first thing today. I am really hoping the two of you can connect this weekend and get over this particular hump as smoothly as possible. Hang in there today and let us know if we can help....


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> good morning Lfts! I hope the day finds you as well as possible. I know its a big day today. I thought of you first thing today. I am really hoping the two of you can connect this weekend and get over this particular hump as smoothly as possible. Hang in there today and let us know if we can help....


Really, how many times can I ditto CTU? I'm a CTU--wannabe. Thinking of you today. Hope you can re-write the day with a good memory. Tomorrow is the next day, moving up! Hugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Sorry you are here on this site - sound like hubs needs some new friends...I bet they knew about the affair and didn't tell you?
> 
> I haven't read your story yet (if you posted), but 4 months out - how does he act towrds you? Is there full transparency? Why is he talking so much to his friends? Does he tell you that they think he should divorce you or do they? If he is telling you, that is a bad sign in my opinion - he is listening to them and he should never tell you something like that if he is remorseful and trying to work it out with you. If this is the case, he is keeping you on egg shells and from experience, maybe hoping that you will say you have had enough and make you be "the bad guy and file for divorce from him. And if tht is the case, most likely he is still in the affair....its like a flow chart - one thing means one thing and that is a result. of something else.
> 
> If it i his friends saying it to you, he should have told them to shut up and he should realize that his friends are toxic to any chance you may have in working through this. Again, I have not read your story, and maybe I am jumping the gun, but I know how my hubs was when I thought the affair was done and it was not - he didn't defend me, fight for me, and even told me "well she said"......that one still haunts me. Just some things to think about.


I think that maybe one of his friends from work knew, but I've never talked to him and my husband has a new job now, so he's not in the picture. 

He tells his friends that he doesn't want a divorce but they seem to keep pushing it. Though it's funny that he tells me when he has tried everything to keep this marriage together when I haven't noticed him do a thing, except for leave me messes to clean up. 

Pretty much the only councilor we've seen who has put any blame on my husband was one we weren't even paying and he was only there to see us because I was in the hospital. He chastised my husband for sharing personal parts of our relationships with his friends, like text messages etc.

Not that they blamed me for the affair they just were like well what are you going to do moving forward?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I have been doing very well...but this morning, I was short with my daughter for not having her homework done and having to rush her to finish it and then rush her out the door. As she crossed th street, she was running so fast her water bottle fell out, she picked it up quick and kept running (we live right across the street from school). I watched her for a minute then walked in the house and then cried. What a sh*tty mother I have been for the last year. Why - because of my husbands affair. I have less patience and in all honesty I was mad at him for not checking with her the last 2 nights (I have been in bed by 6 both nights - strep and tonsillitus i found out today). Yet, even though I did not yell, I took it out on her. I know that I was a great mom before all of this, and no one would argue.

I did apologize to her when she got home and she didn't think anything of it really - she is a bigger person than me some days at 10 years old. I couldn't hug her because I am contagious for the next 24 hours. Sh*t.

Tomrrow - DD2 anniversary....when my husband posted his thread for the first time here on TAMS. 

Tues - NCIS - if any of you watch, it was about a dad and son. My hubs lost his dad 5 years ago. I knew it started him thinking and when it was over he went into the other room, tears streaming down his face. I rubbed his shoulders for a minute, kissed his head and told him I was going to check on the girls and go to bed. He said he was coming in too and followed me in.

For the rest of the week, he has been bringing home beer and staying up late watching TV and playing video games. He does that when something is bothering him. So last night I woke up at midnight and he is just coming to bed and browsing the internet on his phone. I ask him if he is OK. He said yes and asked me if I was OK..."no, I feel like crap. I have been sick for 2 days." So i calmly pointed out his drinking and staying up late (as to why I asked him) and he tells me that I am reading into things. So I say OK and go to sleep, even though I know better.

This morning after crying my eyes out for being short at my daughter, I text him to make sure he is following through with anger management (he said he checked into it - I am not letting this slide anymore) and fixes the holes in our front door this weekend from our last argument before I have to take down the Christmas decorations that will no longer cover them after next week. Yes - I was mad at him again for putting me through this for the last year. I hate that this this has been a part of my life.

He said he will, then sends me a text: "I love you. I'm fine. I think you wonder about me. I stopped thinking about my dad and the other night we watched NCIS and it hurt a bit and just made a whirlwind of thoughts and disappointments and my personal failures in life. Some people may think that I made some mistakes that people make. I have lived in a fantasy that I used to think I was better than that and I'm not. I'm just trying to make things right and sometimes forget I was never perfect. I feel like I need to save the world to make up for my mistakes. Even then I couldn't change my past. I have a lot to offer you, the girls my family and the world. I just need to get over a obstavle of self disappointment."

So I replied: You don't need to save the world, just yourself and make a great life with your family. Once you get that figured out, then expand."

Thenn he worte: "Yea, the world could use some help too." Then told me about a candle light vigil in our community for the shootings in CT last week - we live 2000 miles away.

Then later, I reread what he wrote, after he sent me some more texts, and I got angry. I wrote: You know, I just reread wat you wrote. That you feel you have to save the world to make up for your mistakes. I'm sorry. If you think doing something for the world will make up for anything to me you are wrong and your feelings about your mistakes are misplaced unless there is something more wrong that you did and you did not tell me about. You want to fix things with us then you need to strtfocusing on the people right in front of you. Like Rick on the Walking Dead (we both love this show)....he wanted to do the right thing by everyone else when he should have put his effort into his family and he might have saved it. The world doesn't belong to just you but your family does. There is no one else worried about or trying to save your family."

Then about 15 min later he wrote: "Yea, I guess I didn't write t right. I know who I need to do right by, (my name). I'm not stupid and I don't think savining the world would make things right. Never mind. Just forget what I wrote. Its being misunderstood." Then we just texted regular stuff.

Sorry so long....anyway - bad day for me....what does all of this mean? Am I just having a bad day, reflecting? Did I misinterpret his comments about saving the world and everything else? I don't know.

Sorry so long - that's how I roll.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wow. Thats alot. I get what youre saying about "saving the world". It starts with one piece at a time. That piece in this instance needs to be what he broke. So I get why youre upset, especially given that its dday 2. aarrgghhh!! So how are you feeling today?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Made it through DD3.....one more to go! Had a great night.....things are going well.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Made it through DD3.....one more to go! Had a great night.....things are going well.


GOOD news!!!!! When is dd4? Wow, thats even hard to type. How is your H doing now that you're getting thru the dates fairly smoothly?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I would not say they are totally smooth....but we are making it. DD4 - March 6.

So Wed/Thu I felt like something was off. I knew he was bothered by something. He said work is going pretty good again and he is off the sh*t list, so that is great. He is being productive again. So yesterday he was really quiet w/txting, and I sent him a text that I felt like something was off and I would like to talk about it when he got home if there was something. He wrote this:

"No was feeling blah yesterday and this morning. Telling myself to push through. We watched the movie the other night and the girl said only a coward would leave his children that hit home kind of hard, you asked yesterday if anything was wrong and there wasn't then I started to think about the time frame and how much of a loser I was a year ago. I'm still the same loser I'm just a better man then I was. I think about how I basically wrote my mom off when my dad died. I still have my mom and I've neglected her also over the years. I'm fine and just need get tough again. I was a good person once still can be. Darth Vader changed "

Then some more texts and then this:

"I don't like the things I've done to you (my name) and I'm not proud of how I've treated you as my wife. I just feel the way I was over the last year was more than being a bad husband I was a bad person and a poor excuse for some man. I became evil without regard to anything. I caused pain without regret and became a bad person. I don't forgive myself for my actions however you chose to give me yet another chance and regardless of why I won't fail you. I don't know who I became in that time I just want to be good again."

Then a few more texts and then he came home. We had a lazy night and got the kids to bed. I am not sure if he knew exactly what yesterday was - I didn't say it, but he knows the timeframe and what happened.

I post some of his texts/emails, hoping that others might see what a WS says/does through this process. He has achnowledged wanting March to hurry up and get here as well. 

We are doing well, and we have set some goals for us and ourselves for the new year. I look forward to our future. I look forward to fully letting go of the past.

How are you CTU?


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## teedee (Jan 4, 2013)

I am not in your situation. I am a divorced mother or 3 children aged 6, 10 and 13, they were 4, 8 and 11 when the divorced went through due to my ex husbands affair. Even now 3 years down the line, when I am settled, have my own house I bought with my own money, have a good job and a man that I am in love with and know he is in love with me, I still find it hard.

Hard when he walks up the path to my door with his new girlfriend (who he had the affair with) to pick up our children whom we both adore. 

He is the father of my children and when I married him I believed it was forever. To have gone through all this is hard, to always have it shoved in my face is harder. But I have recognised it is her and not him.

Your husband loved you and stayed. 

You will hae good days and bad (you are entitled to them).

You have to make a decision as to whether you can live the rest of your married life like this. Only you know.

I wish you every success.

Oh and by the way, cut yourself a break you have been through a sort of berevement for your old life. Things will change. You will be more short-tempered, impatient or just genuinely sad.

Believe me, your children love you no matter what, and if you have to explain to them why you feel sad, it's not to cast a bad light on their father, you are explaining how cruel life can be.

x


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I would not say they are totally smooth....but we are making it. DD4 - March 6.
> 
> So Wed/Thu I felt like something was off. I knew he was bothered by something. He said work is going pretty good again and he is off the sh*t list, so that is great. He is being productive again. So yesterday he was really quiet w/txting, and I sent him a text that I felt like something was off and I would like to talk about it when he got home if there was something. He wrote this:
> 
> ...


Oh I know these times arent without rivets. No doubt. But as smooth as it can be is what I really meant to say.

It sounds like he is doing alot of reflecting- good. He, like my H, still hasnt forgiven himself. It will come I think, over time. The more we heal hopefully the more they will. 

Good for you for keeping those communication lines open. I know sometimes it can be hard to listen to "woe is me" from them. But they hurt too, Its just a different kind of hurt I think. I think its utter disappointment in who they allowed themselves to become. Hard for them to recognize themselves when they look in the mirror sometimes. I know my H has this feeling. Like he became somone else and now he's trying to find the real MR. CTU again. Its shocking how much of themselves they lose. We lose faith in them and they in themselves. That must be very difficult to accept for them. 

I am doing ok. Its a pretty trigger ridden time for me too as you know. Yesterday, he brought home his work laptop(first time he's done that with this job) and it hit me as it sat on the counter how much he abused the last one and used it for communication with HER. How it would 'ding' when she sent him an email and I didnt know it was her bc I wasnt looking for him to push me off a cliff. Then this am he had to get up really early and work and he was sitting downstairs emailing(IM dept) but its what he used to do with her. Sent her emails first thing everyday. So when he's reading email at 6am- yeah its a trigger. I didnt mention it though. Instead, I packed his lunch and put him a love note in there. So instead of reacting to the trigger- I responded. I responded by showing him love when I wanted to scream. Its a decision Ive made to try to reroute my triggers into creating something positive each time or at least sometimes when I have a trigger. Im hoping I can override the triggers that way- in my own head. Thereby taking away HER power over me. She is dirt beneath my shoes. I feel like if I can take back some of the pavlovian responses to things, I'll be taking him back somehow???? Make sense?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I have no doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man as long as he keeps on the path he is on. It has not been easy, but so far worth it.


As for my children, I have been very protective of them. As long as there are no more strays, they will never know the real reason for some of my pain and sadness that they have witnessed. They will learn about the cruelty of the world in time, but not because I am offering it to them or trying to turn them agains their father. 

We are both working hard, and love each other very much. It was a hard path that brought us to this point, but we are good and only getting better.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I responded by showing him love when I wanted to scream. Its a decision Ive made to try to reroute my triggers into creating something positive each time or at least sometimes when I have a trigger. Im hoping I can override the triggers that way- in my own head. Thereby taking away HER power over me. She is dirt beneath my shoes. I feel like if I can take back some of the pavlovian responses to things, I'll be taking him back somehow???? Make sense?


Makes total sense - and you are awesome! I try to do that too...sometimes it gets the better of me, but triggers for the most part are a thing of the past as far as keeping me down for too long. I actually didn't cry yesterday and it turned out to be a great night. It was another day - nothing special about it - a DD is not special is what I told myself - life went on and mommy and daddy had a great night


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Makes total sense - and you are awesome! I try to do that too...sometimes it gets the better of me, but triggers for the most part are a thing of the past as far as keeping me down for too long. I actually didn't cry yesterday and it turned out to be a great night. It was another day - nothing special about it - a DD is not special is what I told myself -* life went on and mommy and daddy had a great night *


Bow-chica-wow-wow!!!!!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Bow-chica-wow-wow!!!!!


.....and fun....I won't go into details, but i can't help but smile and will remember last night for many years to come....deposit in the loooooooove bank 

Big & Rich - Save A Horse [Ride A Cowboy] (Video) - YouTube


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> .....and fun....I won't go into details, but i can't help but smile and will remember last night for many years to come....deposit in the loooooooove bank
> 
> Big & Rich - Save A Horse [Ride A Cowboy] (Video) - YouTube


YAY!!!!!! Sounds like he's checking back into the homefront! Good for you LFTS. Good for you, you've earned it God knows. Im assuming the pun was intended here:deposit in the loooooooove bank :rofl::rofl::rofl: 
OMG! Im terrible today. Bad CTU, Bad, bad bad girl!!!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Well, I wasn't thinking about the deposit quite like that, but the video is relevant 

Sad thing is, we used to be like we are now - what happened? To say life got in the way....poor excuse...and poor choices. Not sure, but what is important is that we survived and are now thriving and getting back to our greatness....still work to do, but I like not having to put this aspect of our marriage on the back burner. Truth is, I feel better now at almost 40 than I did at 30...and look better too. I care about me again.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm back chiquitas. Happy to read both of your threads and the can-do 'tudes. Just now rousing. Working my way there. Too tired to post the details...but so happy to read positives with you and CTU.

Happy New Year. 2013 is going to be a good year.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

How ya doin today LFTS? Been quiet.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> How ya doin today LFTS? Been quiet.


CTU, I was reading through the thread and I just wanted to thank you. Your plan on how to deal with the triggers (turning the negative feeling into a positive action). It's the best idea I have heard in dealing with triggers while reconciling. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mandynga (Jan 11, 2013)

I replay everything in my head everyday and it makes me miserable, unfortunately I've turned to drinking to try and numb the pain. I'm suspicious and suffer anxiety everyday. I hope time heels this, I feel like it might be, but husbands affair is giving birth in a month and we are "trying" to reconcile. I don't know how I'll be able to handle him leaving for the delivery. 
I understand your feelings.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> CTU, I was reading through the thread and I just wanted to thank you. Your plan on how to deal with the triggers (turning the negative feeling into a positive action). It's the best idea I have heard in dealing with triggers while reconciling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im certain I wont be successful every time but its my goal to do it more often than not. Good luck to you.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Good morning! I have not updated on here for awhile. Things are going well. Had a very tough weekend - everything just kind of hit me at once and I thought I was having a panic/anxiety attack - probably was - kinda scary...don't remember having one of those (probably did early on), but did a lot of reflecting. 

Result - have been waiting for dates to pass - putting too much emphsis on bad things that happened. Too many bad dates since DD1 and DD4, and while I made it trough DD 3, if I keep placing the emphasis on making it full circle (1 year of NC), I am certain that I will sear each of those in my mind...the LAST thing I want to do. So while it once was important to make it to the first anniversary of NC/DD4, I had to ask myself what was the real importance of that date if we have been in R since then. I don't want to celebrate it every year. I want to be able to happily celebrate our wedding anniversary again, because we are married, and we did survive and we are thriving in spite of a tragedy. 

So I will give 100% not to focus on any dates except birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and know that each day I wake up is a day that belongs to just me and my family. That's not to say that I won't still trigger, but the reason why...that is sooooo 2011/2012, and its 2013...this whole year has been us!

On that note - and a funny (but not so funny)....my oldest comes home from school yesterday - head lice. Guess she got it from a sleepover over winter break. Check youngest - not so sure, but tell husband to pick up treatment for her too on way home - just in case - so then I start to get itchy as I am vacuuming, bagging stuffed animals, washing bedding and pillows.....so I do a comb through.....Mama's got it too (just 5 we found out, but still)....so as hubs is combing his daughters' hair (and he was really great about it, kept them calm, played music, talked), I go to the store and get a kit for me.....and hubs combs my hair too  I think he would have had it too (girls fell asleep in our bed the night before, so we left them their and slept in the guest bed which they usually sleep in together because it is bigger), but his hair is about 1/4 in long......

Anyway, that is one oddly good memory that we will be talking about for years.......


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Afternoon Sunshine! Love your post....and your resolution. Honestly, you and CTU are one big cheering squad for taking back what's been stolen, and powering through the heavy clouds out into the posow-free light. Love it! 

Talk about commitment and care, fighting the little varmits together and your husband in the varmit-fightin' trenches with you. Honestly, good to make new memories, uh, right ? (-: 

My mother always said "whatever you give yourself to, you grow to love" -- His taking care of you and the girls in meaningful ways can only strengthen and re-build that bond.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I felt like today was as good as any to take a break from talkiing about or purposely thinking about all the bad things that have happened to my family since Oct 2011. Today, my husband and I are starting day 1 of year 2 in R. I have to admit, it feels really good saying that in spite of the reason for it. Instead of why it is, I choose to celebrate what it is...a better sense of who we are, what our family means to us and what we mean to each other....knowing that we ARE worth it.

My husband has just recently started a "revelation" or spiritual journey of sorts. My first instinct was to shake my head and think "great...so he is still trying to find himself. He's almost 42 years old...what hasn't he been able to figure out after all of this? What is so confusing?" But I stopped. Then I thought about my own journey since DD1....

I know that I hit rock bottom. I became the worst version of myself that I could imagine. I did not like me for the weakness I felt and the anger I was not able to appropriately channel. I lost at least a year of my life that I will never be able to get back. Instead of focusing on what was right in front of me the whole time, I focused on what was in the past and what might happen. I missed a great year in my childrens lives. 

I won't beat myself up about it, because as we all know, times like these can be the hardest in a person's life. I did the best I could and pulled myself back up when I was able to. I protected my children as best as I could and am thankful that they are so amazing. I could not have done this without them.

As children we all belived in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. They were magical and perfect. As a person going into a first time marriage, we believe the same. That our partner is magical and perfect. We can choose to believe anything we want, but there is always the reality of what really is. No person is perfect. We all have our flaws. We will all make mistakes in our marriages, be them small or just plane titanic!

I believe that the reason why we are still in R is because we both have finally chosen to learn from what happened, change ourselves for the better, and found new meaning in what it means to be a good life partner. 

While my husband may be just beginning his road to enlightenment and redemption, I belive I have already settled in for a good long ride in the road to happiness.

I love me. I love my family. I am in love with my children and I am in love with my husband. 

While I am sure there will be bumps in the road, I look forward to having my husband there beside me to deal with them. I am not afraid of what the future holds for us. I embrace it and I am energized by the thought that each day is ours to do as we choose. 

A long time ago we were great. We talked about our children before we even had plans to wed. Our relationship was built on greatness, and I think that having that strong foundation to begin with has helped us weather this storm.

I believe I am married to a new man, and I kinda like him He is amazing with my girls and he cooks and cleans house now....the changes are wonderful.

I am tired of thinking about it. I don't want to dwell on it. I just want what is right in front of me, right now. What we have today is what we have to build on. Where we are now is the beginning of where we will end up tomorrow.

On that note, my hubs and I have decided to ride RAGBRAI (google it) this year on a tandem bike. I am totally looking forward to it, and so our journey begins.....


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

APPLAUSE!! APPLAUSE!! 

You may not need it but I am really pulling for you and your husband! This was a great post to read and happy you are in a great space with your life. Keep on trucking LFTS!!!! :smthumbup:


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

asia said:


> APPLAUSE!! APPLAUSE!!
> 
> You may not need it but I am really pulling for you and your husband! This was a great post to read and happy you are in a great space with your life. Keep on trucking LFTS!!!! :smthumbup:


Ditto to this LFTS! Loved reading this! Seems you've found the Sun. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Looking, I haven't posted but have been following your thread.
Your latest post is truly wonderful. So glad to see you are in such a good place now. It truly is inspirational.
Hubby and I are also doing well. Not quite there yet, but more than on our way.
Well done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> I am praying to god that there is a genetic predisposition to cheating to explain my compulsion to doing it again, even though I loved my wife.


Seriously??


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

LookingForTheSun, how encouraging and inspiring!! Reading your post has really lifted me up and given me hope that myself and hubby can make it. It's only just before Xmas my H cheated on me! Things are going fine; he's very remorseful and doing his best repairing the damage. Hopefully by the end of 2013 I will talking like you!! Well done again.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Lookingforthesun
> 
> I love me. I love my family. I am in love with my children and I am in love with my husband.
> 
> ...



*Very encouraging. Great to see someone with such a great attitude; that is rather rare on TAM*


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