# How do I cope with the heartache of betrayal?



## Astonefeather (Jan 1, 2010)

As you might have seen in my other thread, I recently left my husband because of an EA with his best female friend.

Even though I've left, I still snoop to see if they are in contact. He recently emailed her that they can no longer communicate because he wants a chance to win me back. She was irate and forwarded her angry response to me- basically blaming him for allowing things to escalate and negating her role in the affair.

But today was the OW's birthday and I saw that he texted a few times today. He could have texted anyone, but I just assume it was her.

I don't plan on going back to him, but the pain of the betrayal is still there. I wanted him to choose me even though it wouldn't change things. I just can't stand the thought of them happily together now that I'm out of the way.

How do I learn to let go of the resentment? I want to move forward and not care what he does. I want to not cry at the thought of the OW holding my baby when she's born. I want to be prepared to deal with it if he and the OW end up together.


Any suggestions?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If he's having seconds thoughts with the OW and wants to get back with you, indifference is best way to move forward. It robs him of any sort of power and leaves him as helpless as he left you. Plus, if he sees that you're still chasing after him (even though you're not) it'll just feed into his ego as now he has two women vying for his affection.

If you're trying to get back at her, I wouldn't bother. Affair relationships only have a 3% success rate and it already looks like theirs is falling apart.

Goodluck.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Astonefeather said:


> As you might have seen in my other thread, I recently left my husband because of an EA with his best female friend.
> 
> Even though I've left, I still snoop to see if they are in contact. He recently emailed her that they can no longer communicate because he wants a chance to win me back. She was irate and forwarded her angry response to me- basically blaming him for allowing things to escalate and negating her role in the affair.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't worry about what he or his OW do. 

Worry about making yourself happy going forward. 

The pampered OW in my STBEH's affair has really met her karma, things have gone way downhill for her since her own husband came out of shock and denial and realized what she, a serial cheater, had been doing to him while he is slaving at work. 

The OW in your case will likely meet hers someday, too. 

If she marries him, there is a saying, and I paraphrase, if you marry a man who cheated on his wife, you are married to a man who cheats on his wife.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Hi ASF,

I followed your previous thread and, like so many, find your story heartbreaking. I also think your husband is very immature and easily led. I got the feeling that he let the OW convince him that your 'issues' were all the result of hyperactive pregnancy hormones & that it would pass, so he patronized you and went about his business. Could be wrong, but that was the impression one got from some of your descriptions. Men are understandably mystified by female hormonal swings & often read them wrong (I'm not sure, as a woman, that I even understand them myself at my age.)

So...my sense is that he's immature & may have been waiting for the baby to be born to have you 'return to normal.' What will happen when you have your baby is that you will automatically mature dramatically. You realize more than ever that a tiny little creature is completely reliant on you for its survival & you grow in tremendous ways in order to rise to the challenge. You love the baby more than anything in the world in ways that you can neither imagine or quantify. A new baby is also exhausting and completely consuming; you won't have time to worry about yourself the way you're used to doing. (This is, I think, a godsend in many cases.) In short, I bet that some of the heartache you're feeling will evolve once the baby is born & your focus is on him/her. The joy of it will put your life in a different perspective. Needless to say, I wish you the best of luck.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Hi ASF,
> 
> I followed your previous thread and, like so many, find your story heartbreaking. I also think your husband is very immature and easily led. I got the feeling that he let the OW convince him that your 'issues' were all the result of hyperactive pregnancy hormones & that it would pass, so he patronized you and went about his business. Could be wrong, but that was the impression one got from some of your descriptions. Men are understandably mystified by female hormonal swings & often read them wrong (I'm not sure, as a woman, that I even understand them myself at my age.)
> 
> So...my sense is that he's immature & may have been waiting for the baby to be born to have you 'return to normal.' What will happen when you have your baby is that you will automatically mature dramatically. You realize more than ever that a tiny little creature is completely reliant on you for its survival & you grow in tremendous ways in order to rise to the challenge. You love the baby more than anything in the world in ways that you can neither imagine or quantify. A new baby is also exhausting and completely consuming; you won't have time to worry about yourself the way you're used to doing. (This is, I think, a godsend in many cases.) In short, I bet that some of the heartache you're feeling will evolve once the baby is born & your focus is on him/her. The joy of it will put your life in a different perspective. Needless to say, I wish you the best of luck.


:iagree:

To the OP:

It's kind of like a road you were meant to travel in order to bring this new person, the baby, into this world. This particular child that you will love with all of your heart is a product of this marriage. You can regret a lot of things, but that child is certainly worth all of the pain it took, both physical and emotional, to bring her into the world. She is and will always be - yours.

And that's something that the OW will never have. She will never be the mother to this baby that you are about to give birth to.

Your H is immature. The OW is selfish. You are the one that this child will look to for guidance, and I am confident that you will rise to the task most admirably. And your family being there is a bonus for you.

Look to the baby and her needs and to your family to help you cope. Believe that you have chosen your path wisely and you truly will do just fine.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, to the above, definitely. And you know, since your H may have thought that he could downplay your concerns because of the pregnancy, he may still be thinking that you'll 'change back' once the baby is born. I truly doubt that the OW is encouraging him to think of you as anything other than someone to be managed & his hormonal explanation is simple and manageable.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I have followed your last thread. Am dismayed to see he did not rise to be the man he should have been. I agree with previous posters. 

But also, watch out for the baby blues. If you are feeling down, all will be worse. 10 times worse....and more. If you are not getting the support, the love, the care you need then you may feel soooo low. U may cry for nothing, feel like it is the end of the world. Watch out...they can be harsh. I had them after the birth of my 1st child and they started on day 3 of being a mother. They lasted about 2-3 months. I cried for nothing, felt low, down, depressed, the end of the world was nigh. But I am sure if my husband was more supportive and I didn't feel so unloved I would not have felt so bad. Totally sure. But who knows. 

Good luck to you and I hope he stands up and wins you back. And that moving forward is all you do from here.

Xx


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

Yes, yes! Watch out for those baby blues! You have been through so much, and seem to have handled it all so well. Just remember that it is so normal and does pass, and DOES NOT verify your husbands thoughts that pregnancy hormones were your "issues."

Remember that you do not have to decide anything now. You don't have to announce that you are never moving back in with him. You have so much going on moment-to-moment (and will have even more when the baby comes) that focusing on right now is more than enough. Who knows what the future brings. Wrooying about it is another stressor that you absolutely do not need.

But, as to how to get past the betrayal. Unfourtionately, I have found that a bit of it will stay. It is a part of your life story now. BUT, I have found a book that has helped me enormously to put it all into perspective. The Art Of Forgiving by Lewes Smedes. It is a book I read and re-read whenever the resentment in me threatens to take over. It is about letting go, not for their sake but for your own. I highly recomend it. And wish you the best!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The problem with the "hormonal woman" excuse is she has confronted this this EA for ages, way before she was pregnant.
It's a years long thing. The fact he didn't stopped even after the pregnancy was the last straw.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> The problem with the "hormonal woman" excuse is she has confronted this this EA for ages, way before she was pregnant.
> It's a years long thing. The fact he didn't stopped even after the pregnancy was the last straw.


Right, but I seem to recall from her thread that he was using her pregnancy as an excuse to explain why she was finally fed up with his behavior with the OW. Essentially acting like she was oversensitive because of the pregnancy. (Could, of course, be misremembering.)


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