# Walkaway wife wants divorce



## lastchance (Aug 14, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 10 years. She filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. We don’t have any children (mutually agreed upon for now). We met and started dating in college. Over the last couple of years, we have just been sort of going thru the motions, focusing on jobs, separate hobbies, etc. and not focusing on each other. We have sort of grown apart emotionally. Other than that, we have had a pretty great life together – financially stable, great house, wonderful jobs, fantastic friends. We didn’t even argue very much.

About a 5 months ago, she told me she “needed space” and “some time to think”. Over the next few weeks, I ended up uncovering an EA (possibly a PA) she was having with someone a few hours away in a neighboring state. I confronted her about it. At first she denied it, then she confessed that she felt like she could “talk to him about things”. She doesn’t feel like she can talk to me because she feels like I’m always critical, negative and judgmental. I asked her to stop contact with OM but she refused. She thinks it’s too late to save our marriage. She says she does not love me like she used to. I kept monitoring her phone and contact with OM did not stop. So, after a few weeks of not making much progress, I exposed the affair to her parents, her sister, and a few mutual friends. I did not expose anything on OM’s side because he is not married and I don’t have much information on him, despite scouring the internet. She was very embarrassed that I exposed, but I don’t think it changed her decision to want a divorce. In fact, she told me, “I was 99% sure I wanted a divorce, but now I’m 100% sure since you told everyone”. 

Adding to the complexity of our situation, she started a new career in January and I think she now feels she doesn’t need me from a financial perspective. I think she’s taking a long, hard look at her life right now and wondering what she has accomplished. She sees me as an obstacle to her happiness and thinks divorce is the only way out. I’ve been reading a lot about midlife crises, and she is showing a lot of the classic signs: new clothes, spending lots of money when normally she was budget-conscious, neglecting activities she previously enjoyed, emotional affair, etc. Her parents have both been sick recently too, so I think she may be coming to terms with her own mortality. I tell you, it was like a switch flipped one day and she was a completely different person.

As the weeks progressed, my wife wanted to talk about divorce and splitting the assets up. She said she did not feel like trying to save our marriage. She said she felt trapped, numb, and doesn’t love me anymore. She said this is not the life she wanted. This was HARD to hear. 

I don’t know what to to…she has already filed for divorce and I feel like it’s inevitable. She wants to be amicable about the divorce, but says if I keep resisting, she will go hire an attorney and just get it done. She has made up her mind and has just checked out. When I try to talk to her about what would make her happy, she says she would be happier alone and poor than with me. This is not the person I fell in love with. She is being very hurtful towards me. 

I’m so confused and scared of losing my wife, I don’t know how I should act around her anymore. I’m committed to this marriage and I will do whatever it takes, but she refuses to make any effort. Please help.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Sorry man, thank GOD you don't have kids - yet.

I am living through the same exact thing without the 5 month warning.

It's about you now and that's harsh but cut her off everything you can, money, credit cards, etc. Protect you, get an attorney, she's gone. Don't beg, don't be a doormat, don't talk about changing, give her what she wants - less you.

Sometimes I have better advice but she's in the fog of this guy and her super new life and unless her family or OM tell her to go away she'll hang in tough.

AND get your head around you don't want her back. You don't, you deserve better.

her BS is just to justify leaving you, it's a narrative

I can tell you all this and can't do it myself but you can!!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LBHmidwest said:


> Sorry man, thank GOD you don't have kids - yet.
> 
> I am living through the same exact thing without the 5 month warning.
> 
> ...


Sigh...
find out who the OM is and rock his world.
:lol:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? It could help.

In the past, before the affair, what sort of things did your wife complain about in relation to your marriage?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lastchance said:


> We met and started dating in college. Over the last couple of years, we have just been sort of going thru the motions, focusing on jobs, separate hobbies, etc. and not focusing on each other. We have sort of grown apart emotionally. Other than that, we have had a pretty great life together – financially stable, great house, wonderful jobs, fantastic friends. We didn’t even argue very much.


A lot of people who marry young find that they grow apart as they mature. It doesn't always happen, but it often does, and you realize that who you were and what you wanted in college aren't who you are and what you want 10 years later. The 20's are a time of great change and development.

This didn't happen overnight; it's been happening all along. Unfortunately, you can't now just decide to reconnect and it happens. She has to want that, too, and she doesn't.

You, too, have been disconnected and distant from her and your marriage for the past couple of years, as you say. Why do you think you disconnected? Are you a different person from who you were in college? Do you want the same things now? Are you sure that you want your marriage when you were so disconnected before your wife told you she needed space and had her EA?

I'm just saying, give this some thought. Maybe you disconnected from her because you know this relationships isn't right for you, either.


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## lastchance (Aug 14, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Sigh...
> find out who the OM is and rock his world.
> :lol:


I know who he is and where he works. Advice on how to "rock his world"??


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## lastchance (Aug 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? It could help.
> 
> In the past, before the affair, what sort of things did your wife complain about in relation to your marriage?


EleGirl, I haven't read SAA yet, but I've read all of Dr. Harley's articles online. That's where I got the idea for exposure. I was in Plan A for a couple of months, but I feel like now I need to go into Plan B.

We honestly didn't argue very much. We had our occasional arguments, but we would usually make up and be fine (or so I thought). It's hard to separate what is actually wrong with our marriage vs. what she has convinced herself is wrong with our marriage. Since she is "in the fog" she is telling me things like "there were never any good times in our marriage" and "we should have never gotten married". Re-writing history. I think her main complaints about me are that I'm too critical and negative about the little things in life, which is true. I'm very cautious by nature and when I look back on things, she has a very valid point. I now recognize my part in how we got to where we are, however, there is no excuse for her affair. Since this all started, I immediately got myself into IC to work on my issues and I've made tremendous progress, but she says it's too late. She does not see that my changes are real.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lastchance said:


> I know who he is and where he works. Advice on how to "rock his world"??


To help come up with ideas.. what kind of work does he do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lastchance said:


> EleGirl, I haven't read SAA yet, but I've read all of Dr. Harley's articles online. That's where I got the idea for exposure. I was in Plan A for a couple of months, but I feel like now I need to go into Plan B.
> 
> We honestly didn't argue very much. We had our occasional arguments, but we would usually make up and be fine (or so I thought). It's hard to separate what is actually wrong with our marriage vs. what she has convinced herself is wrong with our marriage. Since she is "in the fog" she is telling me things like "there were never any good times in our marriage" and "we should have never gotten married". Re-writing history. I think her main complaints about me are that I'm too critical and negative about the little things in life, which is true. I'm very cautious by nature and when I look back on things, she has a very valid point. I now recognize my part in how we got to where we are, however, there is no excuse for her affair. Since this all started, I immediately got myself into IC to work on my issues and I've made tremendous progress, but she says it's too late. She does not see that my changes are real.


The critical/negative stuff can be a huge love buster. 

She is 100% responsible for having the affair. It sounds like it's an exit affair. These usually happen when the cheater has 1.5 feet out the door. It's a way to break the final emotional attachment. 

Unfortunately it sounds like both of you knew that you were growing more and more distant but neither of you cared enough to raise a flag and insist on working to fix the marriage. 

If you are in Plan B, she's probably not going to change her mind. You might want to start doing things for yourself. work out, do things with friends. Start moving on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lastchance said:


> I know who he is and where he works. Advice on how to "rock his world"??


What would be your goal for "rocking his world"? Just to harass him? Get revenge? Save your marriage? End the affair (if it's still in progress.)?


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## lastchance (Aug 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What would be your goal for "rocking his world"? Just to harass him? Get revenge? Save your marriage? End the affair (if it's still in progress.)?


It wouldn't be for revenge, but to intimidate (not physical), and expose the affair to the light of day. Break the fog. If there's any chance of reconciling with my wife, the affair has to end. Despite what she has done, I still want to save the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lastchance said:


> It wouldn't be for revenge, but to intimidate (not physical), and expose the affair to the light of day. Break the fog. If there's any chance of reconciling with my wife, the affair has to end. Despite what she has done, I still want to save the marriage.


You said he's single. How do you know he's not married?

I wonder if you can find his parents. They would be good to expose to.

You could have a PI check him out if you can afford one. They might find a vulnerably.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

lastchance said:


> EleGirl, I haven't read SAA yet, but I've read all of Dr. Harley's articles online. That's where I got the idea for exposure. I was in Plan A for a couple of months, but I feel like now I need to go into Plan B.
> 
> We honestly didn't argue very much. We had our occasional arguments, but we would usually make up and be fine (or so I thought). It's hard to separate what is actually wrong with our marriage vs. what she has convinced herself is wrong with our marriage. Since she is "in the fog" she is telling me things like "there were never any good times in our marriage" and "we should have never gotten married". Re-writing history. I think her main complaints about me are that I'm too critical and negative about the little things in life, which is true. I'm very cautious by nature and when I look back on things, she has a very valid point. I now recognize my part in how we got to where we are, however, there is no excuse for her affair. Since this all started, I immediately got myself into IC to work on my issues and I've made tremendous progress, but she says it's too late. She does not see that my changes are real.


She wont see any changes because she doesn't want to see any change in you. She rewriting history and convincing herself the path she if now following will make her happy. 

You need to stop trying to get her to work on the issues or marriage for now, the more you try the more she will convince herself she is right. She has filed for divorce, like it or not will get one and nothing you can do will change that right now. 

You need to start making the life she wants to pursue real, she is chasing a dreamland right now. The more real world you make it for her less perfect it is. Until she is willing to work on the marriage its a losing battle.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lastchance said:


> *I’ve been reading a lot about midlife crises*, and she is showing a lot of the classic signs: new clothes, spending lots of money when normally she was budget-conscious, neglecting activities she previously enjoyed, emotional affair, etc.


Don't confuse "mid-life crisis" with "affair-fog." Unfortunately, the "symptoms" are the same.

In other words, don't justify your wife's cheating by making excuses that she is in a mid-life crisis. She didn't have to step out on you. That was her choice.

I would hate to see you "rug sweep" her behavior and make excuses for it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She does not care about you or your feelings. Not having children makes things much easier. Start planning your life without her forever. Hire an attorney, split assets, move on. You can do better. Sorry for being blunt. But, your wife, doesn't give a damn about you, don't give her the satisfaction of caring for her. She will only use it against you. You cannot nice her back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Unlikely she became a different person overnight, you two have been disconnected so you didn't see anything until she wanted a divorce. Men tend to assume everything is fine if they're having sex and not arguing. When they start to make an effort once they realize their wife is leaving the efforts are not usually well received.

Unfortunately at this point the best thing might be to let her go. You don't have kids and you won't be in it for alimony, and by pushing you drive her away. Maybe once you're gone she'll miss you, but if not you haven't lost anything. Even if you break the affair up do you really want a wife that stays because om didn't work out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Unlikely she became a different person overnight, you two have been disconnected so you didn't see anything until she wanted a divorce. Men tend to assume everything is fine if they're having sex and not arguing. When they start to make an effort once they realize their wife is leaving the efforts are not usually well received.
> 
> Unfortunately at this point the best thing might be to let her go. You don't have kids and you won't be in it for alimony, and by pushing you drive her away. Maybe once you're gone she'll miss you, but if not you haven't lost anything. Even if you break the affair up do you really want a wife that stays because om didn't work out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Ok. I'm gonna give you the hard advice. People think I'm callous but this is reality. You've done nice. It failed. You can't nice your way back to a good marriage. Personally I think your wife is 95% gone. 

So here's the hard truth:

Your wife is 100% replaceable and upgradable. In fact based on your age you're hitting the prime of your life while your wife is on the sexual downswing so to speak. 

The affair is 100% her fault. But a crappy marriage is 50/50. 

Worrying about her or trying to get her to "see" how good it is will only steal her resolve to leave. 

Your wife lost interest in you because you probably weren't leading like you should. 

So here's the prescription. Go be awesome. Focus on you first, always. Women shun men who are wishy washy and move through life without purpose. They say they want a man who caters to their whim, but that's not what turns them on. 

Go lift some heavy weights. Get I great shape. Get your finances in order. Go hang with guys. Get a hobby that is your and yours only. Center around your purpose and do everything according to that. 

Read "no more mr nice guy" and "married man sex life primer". It will explain everything I'm talking a about. 

You may fix yourself and your wife could come running back. But by then you may find out she's not right for you. There's always two broken people in a bad marriage. You can only fix yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let her go. It wont matter if you break up the affair, this woman is DONE with your marriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Unlikely she became a different person overnight, you two have been disconnected so you didn't see anything until she wanted a divorce. Men tend to assume everything is fine if they're having sex and not arguing. When they start to make an effort once they realize their wife is leaving the efforts are not usually well received.
> 
> Unfortunately at this point the best thing might be to let her go. You don't have kids and you won't be in it for alimony, and by pushing you drive her away. Maybe once you're gone she'll miss you, but if not you haven't lost anything. Even if you break the affair up do you really want a wife that stays because om didn't work out?


Can't really add anything to this other than to emphasize that you're pushing her further away by trying to hold onto her. There had to be red flags but you had your head buried in the sand for a bit too long and now it's probably too late. 

She wants out, get yourself the best deal you can, since at the moment she's willing to make it easy on you (or at least she says she is).

Sometimes they have regrets and they come back. But the best thing you can do right now is to agree to the divorce, but try to do it on your terms and get yourself a favorable settlement. 

Be strong, be tough, and disappear from her life. Only then might she realize what she's losing, but if not, there was no saving this thing and you at least got out of it with your self respect reasonably intact.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Last Chance

Sorry about your situation. I really feel for you because I experienced almost exactly the same thing many years ago. The feelings and lessons learned are still in the front of my consciousness and I probably have good advice for you. I know you desperately want to salvage the marriage and I can't blame you, but the harsh reality is you must be ready, willing and able to lose this marriage if there's any hope to save it. This must be demonstrated to your wife. Another reality you must align your psyche with is even if she changes toward reconciliation you'll later likely want to divorce her for what she's done. You just don't know it yet. Been there, done that.

The proper course of action might be counter intuitive to you, but experience has taught many of us otherwise. First, stop talking to her, especially pleading and reasoning why the marriage should be saved. This takes away some of her leverage over you. Learn and implement the 180. You must do the 180 to prep yourself for either the loss of or the rescue of your marriage. 

Lawyer up with a good divorce lawyer. You are not capable of protecting yourself in your present emotional state, so lawyer up right now. Follow his advice and protect your finances. Make her interact with you through your lawyer. Though you love her consider her to be toxic to your well being. She is. She is not the person you have loved all these years and odds are she will never revert back. Sorry.

Serve her divorce papers and go dark on her. Let her experience the consequences of her affair. She must experience this to become capable of reconciliation with you. At the same time you will need individual counseling to help you either move on or execute a successful reconciliation. Regardless, you will need to work on improving yourself to ensure success in whatever future relationship you may have. Good luck.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> The proper course of action might be counter intuitive to you, but experience has taught many of us otherwise. First, stop talking to her, especially pleading and reasoning why the marriage should be saved. This takes away some of her leverage over you. Learn and implement the 180. You must do the 180 to prep yourself for either the loss of or the rescue of your marriage.
> 
> Serve her divorce papers and go dark on her. Let her experience the consequences of her affair. She must experience this to become capable of reconciliation with you. At the same time you will need individual counseling to help you either move on or execute a successful reconciliation. Regardless, you will need to work on improving yourself to ensure success in whatever future relationship you may have. Good luck.


You are not going to get any better advice than this.

Work on yourself for you. Prepare yourself for your future whatever it ends up being.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> Sorry about your situation. I really feel for you because I experienced almost exactly the same thing many years ago. The feelings and lessons learned are still in the front of my consciousness and I probably have good advice for you. I know you desperately want to salvage the marriage and I can't blame you, but the harsh reality is you must be ready, willing and able to lose this marriage if there's any hope to save it. This must be demonstrated to your wife. Another reality you must align your psyche with is even if she changes toward reconciliation you'll later likely want to divorce her for what she's done. You just don't know it yet. Been there, done that.
> 
> The proper course of action might be counter intuitive to you, but experience has taught many of us otherwise. First, stop talking to her, especially pleading and reasoning why the marriage should be saved. This takes away some of her leverage over you. Learn and implement the 180. You must do the 180 to prep yourself for either the loss of or the rescue of your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This...1000%

I've been exactly where you're at right now. You must read, understand, and live this advice. 

I didn't understand it then, but I sure do now. This may all seem counter-intuitive because you still love her and want her back but it is the only thing that will work. This may not win her back...but it will save you. You may think you want her back despite what she's done, but in time...you would regret it. I wanted my XWW back more then anything but I realized what it would be like to live a life with her and what she had done. I would always be worried and suspicious about it happening in the future...I could never trust her again. 

When I finally grew a pair and did the 180...she noticed. We have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now and my life is getting better all the time, her life is a mess. Her POSOM soul-mate dumped her right before our divorce was final and has moved on to someone new. She still tries to contact me regularly...looks for any excuse. She rents a dinky condo while my home is 3 times larger. She can no longer sleep with out sleep aids. Shes on her 3rd brand because the first two are no longer effective. She's gained a lot of weight and aged significantly. She now works twice the hours she did when we were married just to get by. Does she regret it? I think so.


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