# my husband kissed someone else....



## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

hello, 

i am new here, and would appreciate some help as i have no one to talk too, and i have searched all over the internet for something similar, and can't find it.

some background - second marriage for both. my first marriage, extreme abuse, verbal and physical. he cheated on me too many times to count. finally got out. one child. his first marriage, bad choice, no children. 

we have been extremely happily married for almost 5 and a half years. we have a 3 yr old princess that we adore. we have an extreme amount of communication, and we have had hundreds of conversations on how lucky we are, we have never had an arguement or disagreement. we want the same things out of life, have the same beliefs. we have talked in length over the affairs or indiscretions of friends and aquaintences, how they could do that, how they could be with their spouse and children after lying and being with someone else. we always talked about how lucky we were to have such peace and tranquility in our lives. we are always asking the other how we feel, if we are happy, if there is anything the other could do, or is doing something that could be changed. this was sooooo different for me, compared to my experience of what marriage was...well i have been on cloud 9 forever.

so, he asked me to send out an email from his account... and on his email are text transcripts from his cell. as soon as i sent out the email the page came up, so i wasn't snooping, it was just there... and there were hundreds of texts to a woman from about a month ago... where he met her to pick up some items to deliver to her family on a trip he took 3 weeks ago. i was aware this had happened as she is a sister of a friend of his whom he had never met. after the favor, she texted him to say thank you, etc... it all was very innocent, they texted about her husband and kids, and me and our daughter, even that we might all get together as he wanted her to meet me, because i was an amazing wife... then...

the texts just changed, and he started pursuing her... she was reluctant at first... said she was a one man woman, married her first boyfriend and couldn't continue the texting... then she started texting him... and from there it ended up in a couple of very quick meet ups, until finally some kissing at one of them. there was only kissing, i guess some pretty serious kissing, as he marked her neck, one of the next texts was how desperate she was to cover the mark so her husband wouldn't see.....

then a few texts on how horrible she felt, and then some phone calls in between, some more texts on what were they going to do, they both texted on how they had never done this before and both sounded quite regretful with eachother and what had happened... that was the last texts that i found, and i called her. she was devastated that i knew, and cried and apologized over and over to me... that she was soooo regretful and would never contact him again. she hasn't...

i flipped out... my husband works grave driving a truck, and i disconnected the garage control, his only way in the house. he has been out of the house since then, about a week, i won't take his calls. he leaves me soo many messages, crying, sooo sorry. he texts me constantly, how he will do anything to have his family back, etc etc... begging me not to take his life and daughter away, that he was sooo stupid, he doesn't even know how he could let it happen. 

what do i do??? i am devastated because of the great marriage we had... we were really in bliss, always laughing, loving, always wanting to spend all our time together... our daughter is our life... do i stay with him just for our little girl?? can her really be so regretful that he will never hurt me like this??

help..... please


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her husband about the affair (without letting your husband or the OW know).

Only you can decide if you want him back but if you decide to reconcile, youneed to list out CLEARLY what he needs to do in order for you to even consider reconciliation.

By the way, it's good you took a hard stance with him cause he knows you are NOT f*cking around. Good for you for NOT being a doormat.

You may want to copy/paste this into the Coping with Infidelity thread.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

i am trying desperately to tell her husband... i can't get a number for him... all i have is her number. she answers every time too. i tell her that i am giving her the opportunity to tell him the truth, or i will... she says she won't tell him. i don't know her last name or her address... i call late at night, hoping he will get fed up with the calls at all hours and answer.. but no luck yet.

i think because of my previous marriage and heartache, i was able to stand a little bit strong... i am just so lost... everything i read is about things like this happening when things are not so good in the marriage or things like that.. but i am at a total loss. we were in bliss, we constantly talked about things like this.. he always told me how lucky we are.. the last time we had a talk about this was last saturday.. i then found the texts on sunday about midnight... 

what should i do.. please please help... i am sooo lost, and have no one in my life to talk to... my mom is too old and i don't want to affect her health.. no friends... no family... please help me.

he wants to work things out... my heart breaks for my daughter.. i have seen my son suffer through my previous divorce... i am in so much pain... i would appreciate any opinions, advice... thank you!!!!!!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would not be able to stay myself because once trust has been broken i just can't live like that.

I hate the thought that he chased her.

Ask him why he didn't persue you? Ask him what he felt was lacking and why he didn't come to you to help each other add excitement? Ask him why he has such poor impulse control?

He does seem genuinely remorseful, now I think you need to find a marriage counselor you are both comfortable with. He needs to perhaps find a job if he can that will give him more suitable hours and allow you to have some peace of mind. (I would not advocate him leaving untill he finds a new job). I would make sure that he was being totally transparent and was happy for you to read his emails and look at phone transcripts etc.

I am sorry he did this to you.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

thank you... i appreciate it...

i have asked him why he was soooo desperate to kiss her.. kissing is my favorite thing and am constantly asking him for kisses.. it is like my thing with him, and definitely why this has hurt me soooo badly. it's not like he wasn't getting it from me... our sex life is great, our communication was great.. we laugh a lot... we are sooo considerate with eachother... i mean he will just bring me a glass of water, just because... i am just blown away by his behavior.

he actually texted me today, to tell me that he is going to train on another job, that a friend of mine actually got him an interview for.. he said he wanted to do it to have better hours, and to be able to dedicate more time to us (baby daughter and i) he said he wants us to be inseparable, so there is noooooo doubts on my part.. i can check on him 24/7, all emails, texts, phone calls, etc. anything so he can come home and recooperate his family. and he swears to have all the patience in the world with me as i go through the process of forgiving him..... he seems so sincere. we have never even argued ever before, and he is soooo calm and patient... i am at a loss, i truly am. if it weren't for my extremely horrifically abusive prior marriage, i would probably have given him a second chance already... but because of my past pain.. i am terrified to do so... am i wrong????


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

No you are not wrong. Nobody can tell you what to do or feel.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

thank you.... i just hate to think that he is paying the price of someone else's broken dishes... you know what i mean??

i know men can be slimey (as can some women), but when children are involved, well most women tend to sacrifice themselves for them. i finally left my abusive ex when my son was 11... and he is still suffering from that.... and the thought of doing this to my daughter... it is KILLING me.. and i just can't deal with the fact that i stayed previously with a wife beater and cheater for 20 years, and now just over a kiss (that seems to have hurt me worse than the other things i have suffered) i will not even try to stay married for my daughter.... i am just feeling like a very bad mother..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> You may want to copy/paste this into the Coping with Infidelity thread.


That counts as a duplicate thread and will be deleted. This thread is now in the infidelity section though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop calling her. It was a bad idea to tell her if she doesn't tell her hub you will tell her yourself because now she and your husband have time to get their story straight. She is a coward who had no problem interjecting herself into your marriage but won't own up to the problems she has now caused for her own. Ugh.

Can you research on your own and find out who her husband is and how to contact him on your own? Facebook? There are ways to do it (your own husband's phone and call logs).

I like that you took a hard stance with hub.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You should definitely tell the OW's husband. Drive to her house when he will be there if you need to.

As for forgiving your husband, there's no right or wrong answer. He started pursuing her, which means this may not be the first time. The fact that he told her it was a first for him means nothing. No man will tell a women she is just another potential notch to him.

The best thing for your daughter (and son) is to be raised in a 2-parent house with a good marriage. Whether that is possible is unclear. Your husband may fully repent and never stray again. Or he may be biding his time for another opportunity. You just can't know.

Good luck.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> You should definitely tell the OW's husband. Drive to her house when he will be there if you need to.
> 
> As for forgiving your husband, there's no right or wrong answer. He started pursuing her, which means this may not be the first time. The fact that he told her it was a first for him means nothing. No man will tell a women she is just another potential notch to him.
> 
> ...


Can you contact this friend of his (the one she is sister to) and fish out info on hubby this way? Pretend something was left behind or need a mailing address or something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Can you contact this friend of his (the one she is sister to) and fish out info on hubby this way? Pretend something was left behind or need a mailing address or something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP's husband knows the address. He delivered something to their house. So that shouldn't be a problem.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

txgirl said:


> i am trying desperately to tell her husband... i can't get a number for him... all i have is her number. she answers every time too. i tell her that i am giving her the opportunity to tell him the truth, or i will... she says she won't tell him. i don't know her last name or her address...


H knows it, poster doesn't. You think H will tell her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She shouldn't ask him cause he will give her an excuse as to why he won't give it to her. We ALL know that.

She should try to find out on her own.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> She shouldn't ask him cause he will give her an excuse as to why he won't give it to her. We ALL know that.
> 
> She should try to find out on her own.


Exactly, that's why she needs to get hold of the friend. Make an excuse of something left behind that you want to drop off at the house or something. I wouldn't confide in friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The husband is saying he will do anything she asks. If she asks for OW's address, and he is serious, he should give it to her.

I suppose she does run the risk of her husband and the OW being tipped off in order to get her story straight. But, the OP has been in contact with the OW telling her that she will tell her husband. So, that cat seems to be out of the bag.

I would ask her husband for the address. If nothing else, it will be a simple test to gauge how serious her husband really is about reconciliation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> .
> 
> I would ask her husband for the address. If nothing else, it will be a simple test to gauge how serious her husband really is about reconciliation.


True.

If he is truly committed, he will do any/everything in order to restore her trust.

That said, I don't see him giving it up. Try to find out on your own!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am most concerned by the apparent lack of problems and conflict. If there were no problems why did he persue this OW. How can you fix the problem of there is none? 

Two things pop out - is he really happy or conflict avoidant. You say he is nice and calm, maybe too calm? He may be hiding anger resentment and dissatisfaction. My advice is to look at your marriage, were there really no issues that may have needed discussion but you both avoided because of your experience in the previous marriages. 

Was he so concerned about the what you suffered the ex that he went overboard in avoiding even a hint of conflict and anger. Did you or he ever explore and overcome the role you each played in the problems in your previos marriages. Do you know exactly what happened in his marriage 

I would not reconcile quickly. I think you need MC to help you both need to learn how to be honest and expressive no matter what. Without that you do not have real intimacy and he may stray again. if he does not reveal his true feeling, then you have to decide if you want to have a relationship with a person you really don't know and cannot know what he will do. Do some hard work first then decide. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

i called the brother, he said he would get me the number... i told him that i accidentally didn't pack something and want to return it to them... he was really nice... doesn't seem to suspect anything. hopefully soon i can tell the the poor unsuspecting husband... 

my hubby seems even more repentful... i have been through this sooooo many times before with the ex... i just don't have the patience for games anymore.. tooo old for that (39)...

just never know what can make a person change, i know it probably wasn't the first time... and a strong possibility it isn't the last.. this definitely isn't my first rodeo.

just feel like a realllllly bad mother for not even trying to fix it, you know??


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

His remorse is a very good sign. It does seem that he is very much wanting to reconcile and feels horrible. If you do want to have him back I think at least you have a repentful H, more than many on this board. But it's up to you.

The fact that he was regretful even to the OW before you found out is also a good sign. It was a serious lack in judgment, and given your prior marital history you may be extra sensitive to it.

From an outsider who was betrayed by his wife (not physically though), this seems rectifiable to me, but that's only the case if you want it to be.

I agree with the poster above who said there must have been something secretly wrong. The marriage sounded too good to be true - something doesn't add up.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

ok, i got a hold of her brother, and made up some story of finding something that i didn't pack, and didn't get sent... i asked for the BIL # because his sister wasn't answering her cell for days now. so he gave me the number.. and.. UGH!!! it must have been an old number because it was no longer in service. he doesn't know the exact address, as he has never been in her home.. he lives out of the country. i have tried facebook, my space, etc... but i have no clue what her last name is. only her maiden name, and that didn't come up with anything. my hubby is computer challenged, so i set up all the accounts, fb, ms, emails, bank accounts, etc. i have checked everything, and nothing at all bad. it was just the texts that got him caught. he thought by deleting them they were gone forever...but not on google voice they aren't. what was delivered was to the brothers house in mexico.. not her house here in the U.S.... so i can't get a hold of the husband and it is driving me batty!!! 

hubby is soooo desperate to come home, and i am holding strong. i haven't taken a single phone call... only some texts. i am telling him sorry charlie, basically. but it is really killing me, with my daughter, that i am not even trying to repair anything. i feel like a very very bad mother. what do you think????


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

i have been thinking a lot about our marriage... was it too good to be true?? i truly lived in hell with the ex... i did take a lot of counseling, even while still married to get me back on track, and to be able to get the strength i needed to leave him...

i agree, that there must be something wrong, obviously.. or it wouldn't have happened, right?? i mean, we had everything, great passion, respect, communication, no money issues.. i mean we are struggling like everyone else, but surviving, you know? we planned to have our daughter... she is our life, and i really thought that all our time was dedicated to eachother and her... he doesn't really have to much time that is unaccounted for. it is work, eat, sleep, family and then they cycle starts again.

i asked him for the address and any other numbers... he said if he had it he would give it to me... they met at a park initially, then at a couple of grocery stores where she would go. they didn't really have the time to really get together. she has 4 kids, married and does not work... he works to much, so only when it coincided that he was getting off work, and she was available for a quick meet, did they meet for a couple of times. he says it was 90% texts, about 7 or 8 quick phone calls ( which i reviewed and they are all less than 5 min) and 4 quick meets. where one of them was where the kiss happened... then on another meet it was only a quick peck, he said more on the cheek than the lips.

he says that they had already discussed on the last phone call to erase eachothers numbers, as they were both regretting it... that was the last text was her to him, "what are we going to do", "him to her, what we agreed on"... so that sounds true too... 

ugh!!! i don't know.. my head is reeeeeling... help! plz.. some more...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tx do you think putting more of your energy into exploring the problems in your marriage would be more fruitful for you and your daughter? Even if you do not ger back with your husband, it is important to get to the bottom of why he felt compelled to persue this woman while in an apparently happy relationship. You said there were no signs of problems and he was strong in negative feelings about deception. 

I think the person he presented himself to be is not who he really is. He could not have been as happy as he presented himself to be nor was he so against cheating. He may very well have cheated before if he found it so easy to lie to you and go after this woman. So who is he and what is he really about? Are you willing to communicate with him to find out? You can tell him that you have not made up your mind about R. You are communicating to get to know who he is and to get complete honesty from him. If he cannot reveal his true feeling and thoughts then R may not happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He worked a great deal and had little time. He stated and acted as if spending time with his family was important. Yet, he took valuable time to see this woman instead of making time to see his wife and child. How does he explain that? 

He obviously had a great need to see her if he went to all of that trouble. How do you? Really look deeply into what your husband was really like. Were there no signs what so ever ? What happened in his previous marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

catherine you are psychic... and sooo helpful thank you, as is everyone on here.. what an amazing forum.

that is exactly what i am thinking... i only know the "he" he wants to show me... hard worker, loving family man, doting husband... but really really, i don't know the real him.

he was previously married to an "older" woman.. his senior by about 12 yrs... and he said that the marriage changed from hubby and wife, to her becoming his mother.. and eventually, she strayed. i actually have spoken to her quite a bit, as he has a step daughter that is very close to him, and we all get together for the girls bday, holidays, etc. she is a soldier stationed in afghan currently, and i go over there and help her skype with her daughter quite a bit. so i know what he explained about their marriage is true.

i would love to explore, and get down to the bottom of it. because there is a reason that is screaming to be heard... he just won't even whisper it. i have asked him repeatedly why he did it... or if i did something, or if he was unhappy in even the smallest matter... he says it was absolutely not me, he has never been happier in his life, and he truly has no real clue "why"... he just keeps telling me that he can't believe how stupid he was, and why he risked everything...

i don't know...ugh!!!!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Maybe tell him that untill you know why, you cannot be sure it won't happen again. It avoid future errors we must understand the errors in our past and what led to them.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

How old was this woman? Do you know what she was like? 

He needs to tell you what about her attracted him? What she was like and what he was looking for. Telling you he does does not know will not help you in a positive way to R. If he wants reconciliation, than he must be transparent. If he continues to hide then you cannot consider R because he is likely to hurt you again. 

You may want to go back to therapy to help process this. You may want to do MC with your husband even if you do not plan to R. It is important for you to know what happened so that you avoid this pitfall in future relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

oh as for signs.... NONE..

i am a complete expert due to my previous marriage on all the red flags... you know the private phone calls, exiting the room when the phone rings... the unaccounted time... the subtle change in attitude... the lies, or explanations that just don't add up... and i saw nothing... he leaves his phone around, answers all calls in front of me... we are both on his fb page talking to family in chat... culturally we generally kiss another person on the cheek when we meet them and say good-bye, he was always very careful with any women, or friends of mine, and always gave his hand and pulled away from anything like that... he was always soooo careful. even when we are out.. i secretly try to catch him looking at girls, like most men do... and i have never caught him. i usually point out some clantilly clad girl and he just laughs at me and says why do i point her out for him to see.. that he doesn't wan't to...

so not a single sign.. and it is just in my nature to observe and be a little wary of anything because of what i lived through for years... so unless i was in an abyss and missed something.. but i know i didn't...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have lots of questions. Are you the same ages? Is he a take charge guy or passive? Do you do all of the planning in the relationship or does he? Like outings, what moves to watch. Does he have hobbies or things that he peruses that he likes. Does he engage in activities independent of family? Does he make any of the major decisions in the marriage. Do you work. Who handles the finances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

syrum and catherine you are both right.. and i wasn't even looking in that direction.. but i need to know.. and he as to be honest, if not it fixes nothing. thank you for the guidance and the strength. 

she is 36, a little shorter than me, and a little thinner than me. i know this because i had to pack some of her old clothes that she was sending to her sister, so i got a good idea of her size. i know she is 36 going on 37 next month because of a text, my hubby asked her... as for what she looks like, according to some texts, she is darker than me... shorter hair. she has 4 kids, been married to the only boyfriend she had for 22 years... kids are 19 down to 2 yrs old. she is a stay at home mom, that a couple times a month will help a friend clean other peoples homes.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You know it is normal for men to look at attractive women. It has nothing to do with how much they love the woman that they are with but it is something that is difficult for them to suppress. A good man will suppress the desire to look when he is with his partner. 

He seems to have been saying and doing all of the right things. Maybe just to please you. He may have hidden things about himself that were not necessary bad but that he thought you would not like. Is that possible? 

It is interesting that you know his ex. Did you get a sense as to why she cheated? Did he divorce her or did she get out to go with the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What types of things did they communicate about in the texts? Were they emotional in nature? Did he tell about his plans, dreams desires? Did he tell her why he was attracted to her. When he started to peruse her how did he do it? What feelings did he express? Did she talk about her problems or did she seem needy in any way? Did she seem to what or need something from him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I have lots of questions. Are you the same ages? Is he a take charge guy or passive? Do you do all of the planning in the relationship or does he? Like outings, what moves to watch. Does he have hobbies or things that he peruses that he likes. Does he engage in activities independent of family? Does he make any of the major decisions in the marriage. Do you work. Who handles the finances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


wow! you all are amazing.. i can't believe how much you are helping me, how much time you dedicate.. THANK YOU!!

hubby and i are 6 months apart, he is older.. he is 40 i am still 39.

we are both pretty passive.. he works, i stay home with our daughter.. a decision we both made when we decided to try and have a baby. i have constantly offered to go back to work, and he says he really wants me to stay home and take care of our princess.. and if he can't make it for us, we will discuss it at that time, and make a decision together about me working.

we both hate drama ( you would never know that now, right
we both value family and are at our happiest when all of us our together ( step kids, in laws, etc) and all cooking and eating and chatting... he even built my parents a casita behind our home to have them nearby as they are getting older...

our biggest "disagreement" you could say was deciding where to go to eat, as we both want the other person to choose... so we finally agreed to just not pick unless one of us had a craving, and we hit the buffets... we are in vegas, so that is pretty easy. that way we eat anything we like. but it was never really a disagreement, but since we have never been upset or mad or anything at all with the other, this is what we considered our "fight" you know??

outings are always together, even for groceries, the mall, we try to be together all we can since his work and sleep schedule is so difficult... so on the days off we are inseperable.

his only interest is nascar which we all attend as a family including my parents. other than that, nothing without us ever. he likes to watch soccer, nascar, and bullriding on tv. neither one of us drinks, at all. nor do we smoke, drugs, etc. we like to make homemade popcorn and hang out at home, with our daughter.

as for movies, well with the little one, we usually don't go.. maybe once or twice a year. we knew that we were going to be homebound with the conscience decision of having a baby, when most of our friends kids are graduating highschool... but we did go out and dance some before the baby... but we are both more homebound.

decisions, anything at all, major or minor are equal... we discuss it, give opinions and make a decision, never ever has anything been an issue.

finances, he gives me his paycheck, i pay the bills, i coupon to stretch his dollars for groceries and incidentals. he is aware of the bills, but i am the computer savvy one, and i pay them. we have goals we are saving for. he never pulls money or spends on anything, no surprises there... if i want something, more really for our princess usually, he makes sure we get it if we can as soon as possible. we are very cost conscience, and frugal to a point.

i do most of the cooking due to his schedule, and i prepare his lunches to take with him to work.. but when he is up, he is 100% hands on with our daughter, with housework, and loves to cook for us, and surprises us regularly with breakfast in bed...

did i answer everything??? what do you read out of this???


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You know it is normal for men to look at attractive women. It has nothing to do with how much they love the woman that they are with but it is something that is difficult for them to suppress. A good man will suppress the desire to look when he is with his partner.
> 
> He seems to have been saying and doing all of the right things. Maybe just to please you. He may have hidden things about himself that were not necessary bad but that he thought you would not like. Is that possible?
> 
> ...


it does seem to good to be true now... i had thought this last night.. that he was a certain person with me, and after these years the real him came out...???

they had been divorced awhile, and i met her, and she really liked me and was sooo happy he had met such a "good" woman.. and just, well i believe we are all adults, and i wasn't the reason that ended their marriage, i mean, i didn't even exist you know... and his step daughter adores me, and her mom loves that.. are we toooo weird?? everyone looks at us weird when they see us together at outings for the daughter?? i just think it is normal... why should any one of us be ugly to the other... we have nothing to make us that way, and we all have something in common, we love the daughter.

she (ex wife) told me she completely sabotaged the marriage... just never believed he would stay with her with the age difference, i mean for the long run.... she had been married before, and been cheated on repeatedly and that left her "stunted" she said. they still lived together for a year after the long term affair, but seperately... and they were both suffering, so the agreed for him to move out. he did, and then they both went for the divorce about a year after that. he still supported the family until after the divorce.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You did. And I have to admit I am stumped. May I appeal to one of the men reading this as to what may have happened here? He may actually not know why. It is possible I suppose. It may be something that a man can explain better. 

Men think and react so differently from us. They are wired completely different from women. Can I suggest some books that may help you both understand each other. "his needs, her needs" and the five love languages". 

Your marriage sounds wonderful so I don't know. I need to go now but I will log back in tomorrow. It is late now so the men may not see the post. Post something tomorrow about noon when they can see it and ask for a man opinion. Or better yet, post in the men's clubhouse with a link back to this thread and ask what they think may be happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> What types of things did they communicate about in the texts? Were they emotional in nature? Did he tell about his plans, dreams desires? Did he tell her why he was attracted to her. When he started to peruse her how did he do it? What feelings did he express? Did she talk about her problems or did she seem needy in any way? Did she seem to what or need something from him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ok.. trying to answer everything.. 

no.. the texts were pretty short, very small, not long at all. not emotional at all, started very normal, like when you get to meet someone. talked about the spouses, children, her brother that he knows. even 2 weeks into normal friendly texts, he tells her he would like for her to meet me, that i am a great wife and person, and that of course, her with her family might come over to bbq. 
then she mentioned that her hubby was extremely jealous, probably because he had cheated on her in the past a couple of times, so it makes him suspicious of her. so my hubby said to make sure to erase the texts, and he would quit texting her, so she wouldn't have any problems.. then a couple of days go by, and she texts him to see how he is, and he asks if she misses him and the texts, she says yes.. and then it starts.

he said he thought she was attractive when he met her to pick up the articles to take to her brother.. she laughed and said she hadn't even showered or had any makeup on at all...

then it just went from there, like, we get along, we should meet. she said no, she couldn't do that, her husband would kill her, and she wouldn't be able to look into her kids faces.

then back and forth of yes lets meet, no i can't, both intiating it. until, one day, they were at the groceries together for a few minutes, then again at the park while she watched her son's game for about 15 minutes... then the third time was a quick 15 minute meet, and the stupid heavy kiss, then once more quickly and that was it for the meetings... 

and then lots of texts of how they regretted it, and it can't happen again... she can't look at anyone in their eyes... blah blah blah... and that was it.

this all happened in about a month.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

PS he sounds like a gem. Talk to you T. Keep you head up it may not be as bad as you think. You have a marriage supportive family and friends. My sense is that he is too good of a man to give up with out trying. But he must learn not to go down the slippery slope again or there will be no next time.

I just read you post above. I see the problem - she began talking about her problems and he got pulled in by feeling sympathy for her. Thats probably what happened. That is the most common reasons for emotional and physical affairs. People of the opposite sex talking about relationship problems. He sounds like a good man who got caught up innocently in an emotional connection because he listened to her problems. I don't think he was looking for a connection but when he listened to her problems they were similar to your's. Hevlives you andcmay have felypt sympathy for her predicament. Got to go husband is about to kill me :/. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> PS he sounds like a gem. Talk to you T. Keep you head up it may not be as bad as you think. You have a marriage supportive family and friends. My sense is that he is too good of a man to give up with out trying. But he must learn not to go down the slippery slope again or there will be no next time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like it all snuck up on him. Initially it was like he found a friend for the family. You know what I mean? You meet a nice girl at work, become friends and invite her and her husband and kids over. And the different sex (he a man, her a woman) with a jealous husband confused the issue until the sneaking became around you too. It's just so damn weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You did. And I have to admit I am stumped. May I appeal to one of the men reading this as to what may have happened here? He may actually not know why. It is possible I suppose. It may be something that a man can explain better.
> 
> Men think and react so differently from us. They are wired completely different from women. Can I suggest some books that may help you both understand each other. "his needs, her needs" and the five love languages".
> 
> ...


thank you.. 

wow, if you are stumped i am done for...lol

do you think this was just like a guy thing?? an ego thing?? you know like an old married guy and just one more little thing to make him feel good?? then realizes what a mistake???

i think my marriage sounds wonderful too.. i mean.. it is... but then this... ugh!!! what do i do??? i mean i know what to do.. it is pretty simple.
A- divorce as fast as i can and move on, deal with the drama, etc of that
B-try and make this work, and either it works out, he learned his lesson, and will be even a better hubby, or try and work it out, and it turns out this is the real him and then it happens again, and i have no choice but to follow step A...


but what do i dooooooooooooooo???

oh, i will post it in the men's clubhouse, i have only been on the forum a few days, and did not know about that... 
thank you !!!!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I definitely think it's an ego thing. However you need to be sure his ego isn't more important then your marriage or children. Remember that cheating isn't about you or what the other woman looks like.

I think you need to get him to fully understand why he did and the pain he has caused you. He needs to be able to put himself in your shoes and demonstrate he gets it, that he knows what he has done, and how damaging it is. Things like this just leave such a scar on us, they chip away at self esteem and hurt so badly. 

I don't think he sounds like a bad guy, but it is worse that he did the chasing, maybe he is one of those guys that will learn from this and never do it again. 

You do have several good things going for you, that it never went beyond a kiss, he is very remorse full and looks to be willing to do what it takes.

I wish you all the best.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

wow.. you guys are giving me some hope.. really you are... i mean what have i got to lose right?? besides either being happy to a point again, or hitting this low again, and then that is it... he has already been out of the house for a while, no phone contact.. no clothes, nothing... and he is taking it all. being patient, and just begging for an opportunity.. he texted me a little bit ago and asked if we could go to counseling, he has never tried it, but he thinks we could learn from it and not lose what we have from his stupid move..

i think he might have been sucked into the sympathy thing with her.. maybe, and just you know, it happened. i always think those things don't just happen, but maybe they sort of do, and you get it out of your system and never do it again??? 

should i let him return??? under what conditions??? the spare bedroom?? or just stick to my guns and wait until therapy is finished?? i just don't know??? but you all are amazing.. it is just amazing to hear all these caring and dedicated ideas and opinions. i hope i can pay it forward soon... thank you!!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You keep asking us "what should I do?". This is not for us to answer. You will have to make that decision yourself. Right now this is too raw to make a permanent or large decision. 

If it were me, I would meet to discuss why this happened. Maybe his impression of the marriage is different than yours. You need to get a good hard answer from him as to why. He can't say "It just happened." or, "I don't know". Not acceptable. There's always a reason, even if that reason is him just being horny, or liking the thrill of the forbidden nature of the relationship. Maybe he was bored in the marriage a little bit.

It does sound as if he is truly remorseful, you have a daughter. Not telling you what to do, but if it were me, I would at least make an attempt to see why it happened and work from there - see if it is fixable or not. His answer might make that more clear for you.

My wife didn't kiss her OM, but got into a deep EA (emotional affair) where they expressed love for each other. It sucked big time, but we are trying our best to work toward reconciling. 

Good luck


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

thank you gabriel... you are right.. i need to decide... it just feels like i am in a black hole not knowing which end is up... like i can't trust what i feel, or what i think, and that of course as you are correct again.. i am to raw...

that is great that you are trying to reconcile... i will have you in my prayers. i just kinda feel that eventually i would have to try.. for my daughter and for me... but just not yet. may i ask how long it took you to consider reconciliation?? sorry, i am not used to the abbreviations yet.. but i will learn...


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## TempleBlack (Jul 17, 2011)

My husband recently cheated on me too, and I couldn't figure out why. I've been the perfect wife and friend to him throughout our entire relationship. I was in shock, and felt my world come tumbling down on top of me. He kept saying the same thing "I don't know why; it was just stupid". I think mine did it because his life was too perfect; he felt on top of the world, and that he could do anything with no repercussions. 

I'm giving mine one more chance, and I've also come from a previous abusive relationship where I was cheated on repeatedly. It's funny how we try to find the perfect man, not repeat past mistakes, and this is what we get. When seemingly good people do bad things, it makes me wonder if there is such a thing as a good person out there. 

Good luck to you on whatever path that you choose! Either path sounds good actually based on your story. Your justified to divorce him, because he did betray your love. He also sounds like a good enough guy to give another chance to. Don't do it for your kid though, because leaving him does not make you a bad mother. If you're going to give him another chance, then do it for love.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

thank you templeback... your words are insightful... and i feel your pain, for what you are going through, for what you have already survived...

i am just amazed, truly i am, on how similar we are to others... people we may never meet, but are living similar lives as we are, suffering the same pains... 

life to perfect... that is insightful... i like that one actually... makes it hard to live up to day in and day out... that whole i was stupid is really rubbing me raw... i mean, everything has a reason...

thank you for saying that i am not a bad mother.. that means the world to hear that right now... i wish you the best on your painful journey... you are in my prayers...


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're going through this txgirl, but at least it sounds like you're getting some good advice.

My H cheated (unfortunately waaaay more than a kiss) and a huge factor was ego. My H also said in some ways it felt almost "preemptive" to create a feeling of invincibility. He had been cheated on by girlfriends in the past & his parents cheated on each other. It's like there was a small subconscious part of him thinking, "do it to her before she does it to me."

The term "self-fulling prophecy" is apropo for this situation. I never cheated on him, but now by him cheating, he gave his fear of me cheating a higher probability. I refuse to become a cheater, but I'd be lying if I didn't say the thought of "payback" never entered my mind.

Despite all this, the main draw of my H's affair was the ego stroke. Seeing that he could attract a younger woman and have her fawn all over him was something that made him feel alive when career and life felt so ordinary.

I strongly recommend that your H reflects deeply on the "why", because like others have said, you can't fix what you don't know is broken. Either within your marriage, himself, or both.


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## TempleBlack (Jul 17, 2011)

Thank you txgirl, that means a lot. Just to clarify, we should put our children first, but I don't believe in staying married because of children. If the marriage is an unhappy one, then your children will not benefit from it. He will be a good father no matter what from the sound of it. To stay married, that is a commitment of love between the two of you. If one of you has lost that love, then the marriage will be nothing more than a sham. I believe that you both do love one another though. That doesn't mean he deserves a 2nd chance, but it does mean that if you graciously give him one that there is hope for a happy marriage. Again, good luck, and I feel for you! (((hugs)))


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

saffron... sooo sorry for your journey... it will be a big prayer night tonight..  men and their egos, my mom always said that men were just little boys in big bodies, but after dancing with the devil for so many years and surviving.. i just wanted to have faith in humanity...
i also, have never cheated... i try and take care of myself to not put myself in any situations that might even tempt me... just the thought of hurting another soul with the pain i have felt.. i just try to protect myself as much as possible. sort of why i have never tried drugs, not because i am superior or anything, but more because i am a wuss, and would not have the strength to stop i think. i mean i get it.. i remember getting that HI, or that type of smile from a strange guy who walked by me...lol it has been awhile... i am definitely not at "that" age anymore, but i am not dead..lol but to risk anything you have, or to possibly hurt someone, well i just don't get it... i think that is why i am soooo deeply offended because my husband and i discussed this sooo much, and he KNEW, he understood how wrong it was... i mean this hurts me soooo far beyond what i ever suffered with my ex.. that surprizes me as well, with the ex it was waaaaaaaaaaay more than kissing as well with soooo many women i lost count. and then this "kiss" is killing me... hmmmmmmmm talk about needing professional help, right??

templeback, thank you... i would have to agree he would be a good father regardless... together or not... there might be some hope... we have just texted, and he wants to speak to a professional, he says he wants to understand, and get educated so he would make sure to never do anything like this. he says he still doesn't understand it, like he was not him, and he feels like he is ready to wake up and get out of this nightmare that he can't even get into his head that it is happening to us...

here is a new question for you all... what to do about our princess. of course going through this, there has not been any communication except for texting... but i feel wrong in princess not seeing her father... i mean regardless of our marriage status, he is still her father. would it be nuts to allow visitation with her while we figure this out??? anyone have experience with this? how did it work?? what did you do??

thanks again... i don't have friends really, not any i want to share this life strike with... but i feel like God led me here and gave me more friends than i could ever have.. so thank you!


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

for all your good intentions you still have to confront the OW and expose to her husbad. even if you want to reconciliate and get past this, you need to inform her BS. its part of the process.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ She already did confront the OW.. Now she needs to confront the OW's husband.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ She already did confront the OW.. Now she needs to confront the OW's husband.


I think OW did more pursuing than she is getting credit for - she's just sneaky about it and lets him feel like he's chasing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

i just can't figure out how to get to the husband... i am sure the brother has spoken with the OW by now... so i can't call him and ask him to see if he can try and get a new number for the husband.

without a last name, or address i just think this might be impossible. 

they met at a park and a grocery store... he doesn't know her last name, just her maiden name... and she has been married 22 years, so the maiden name is a dead end.

i am so upset that she gets to live her life nice and calm with a blind family to what she is... while my daughter and i are suffering.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi Tx i think what may have happened is that for some reason that only he can say, he maintained contact with a woman he was attracted to by texting and talking about family. He knew that he should avoid contact, he was apparently aware of where it could lead. She began talking about her problems and he got pulled in emotionally by feeling sympathy for her. That is how affairs start - the opposite sex talking about relationship problems. 

He sounds like a good man. He may have needed some kind of ego boost and decided to chat up a woman he found attractive to see how far he could take it. I don't think he was looking for a affair but he certainly knew it was possible when he chased her. He may not want to admit what he was thinking because he does not want to risk losing his family. 

You really can't expect him to admit what he was up to right now but at some point he must as the cost of R. Admitting what was in his mind will help him to avoid the same bind . It is normal to be attracted to others throughout a long-term relationship. What you do with the attraction depends on character, impulse control, and commitment to fidelity. 

I think you should at lest try. Tell him that going to MC does not necessarily mean that you will R but his honesty and transparency will convince you that you will not have to endure this pain again. He must atone for this betrayal by his willingness to listen to your expression of pain and to answer questions honestly. Also, you need to arrange for him to see the baby, no matter what, she will alway have a dad and needs to feel love from you and him. 

It sounds like you both have a good chance to succeed if he will be honest. You must determine if there have been other times that he has attempted to chat up attractive women. You may want to offer him a challenge by not always being available. You say you have no friends or activities outside of the family. I would definitely cultivate at lest one pursers activity. 

Change your look, get your nails and hair done, go to the gym, wear makeup, look sexy. Don't let your looks go, always look as good and attractive as you can. That will maintain his interest. Never let him be too sure of you. He needs to feel he has to keep his eyes on you not chasing after OW. 

Remember everything will not come out at once. Some of it may be painful to hear. There is much more to this that has not come to light and will take time. In the meantime, take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

if you've exhausted all you options about finding where she lives, you should tell him that you need to know where these people live and he needs to tell you NOW; or reconciliation is off the table. that should tell you how much he wants you back.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

justsam... i agree... the only thing is i know he never went to her home, and i believe he is telling the truth of not knowing where she lives... he asked once in the text if she lived far from the park they met at and she said not really... then once when she texted him and was in another area of town, she let him know she was there, if they could meet, if he lived near there, and he answered no, and that he lived very far from there... so i really don't think either one of them know where the other one lives... all i have is her cell number, we don't have mutual friends at all... besides her brothers number in mexico, that would be the only contact... and i already tried that. it all happened in less than a month, and really the first 2 weeks of texts were just friendly getting to know eachother, wasn't till the last week that things escalated... i am just stumped.


catherine, 
i agree with all you say... it is the only thing that makes sense. i know he is happy with his family and his marriage... this just had to be an ego boost, or to see if he could maybe?? maybe realizing this is it for the rest of his life was too much, although good, people always wonder how it is out there... 

he is very open to mc, and really wants to figure it out. he also says i can put any expectations, rules, etc and he will follow them... i know talk and action are 2 different worlds normally.. 

you are right, i am going to find activities that aren't revolving around my family... i do my best to stay in shape and look good, but i will bump it up a couple of notches...

his graveyard shift starts tonight, and he will be starting his part time tomorrow when he gets off in the morning... he says he wants to be able to go full time and quit the night job in 30 days so he can dedicate all his time to us and be on the same schedule.

i will try and arrange daddy time next week on his day off on sat... but at least for this week, he will be so busy and only have time for sleep. he is at a coworkers home, sleeping on the couch. he says he will wait until i am ready to talk on the phone, and to come home hopefully. i know it will be excruciatingly painful when i see him in person.. but i don't know of another way for him to get our daughter without letting all of this get out...

i will try and relax a little this week, and think more clearly... try and see what i really want, either way, and how to make that work. just have noooo clue what that is right now... ugh!


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

ok.. he just texted me...

he says he has been thinking and thinking and trying to get to the "why" of it... and he says he knows the reason.

it is that is was sooooo easy. he never meant for it to go in that direction, he really thought we could all become friends.. the families he means... then it just abruptly and very very quickly it just changed in a matte of 4 days.. and that it was just soooo easy.

he says that he goes out of his way to avoid all of these types of situations, that he doesn't even look at other women in the street, whether he is with me or not... even with the guys, he avoids it.. and that he cant believe how stupid he is, at 40 yrs of age, and going through this... that he is happy, that he loves us, that he is very attracted to me... that she wasn't even pretty at all.. just that it was abrupt, and sooooo easy.


Is that a valid reason???? i don't know how to respond to that...


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

> that she wasn't even pretty at all


is that supposed to make you feel better?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hmmm easy, how does he know if it will easy at another time. Did he cheat in the first marriage? I don't think he is lying but may not want to say. It could be a number of things. 

I think I mentioned this before - You may not offer enough of a challenge for him. He is very sure of you and does not have to chase. Men like a challenge and the chase. 

Perhaps he is bored sexually. He may fantasies and things he wants to try and he does not express them or you may not want to do. He may be lonely being on the road so much and working so hard. 

He may feel trapped because of all the responsibility. He may need to have help financially but does not to say because he made a commitment for you to stay home. 

He works two jobs and that is a lot for one person. It may help for you to carry some of the financial burden if that is at all possible. 

That will do a few things, you get out of the house and meet more people and maybe cultivate good friends outside of the family. You can get together with friends to have some much needed me time. 

You may actually have more time together. Go out on dates and talk about your hopes dreams and worries. Gives you time for shared leisure activities which strengthen relationships. You will have more time for that.

I think you need more time together to engage in serious conversation. You may need to pay more attention to him and make sure he feels supported and appreciated. 

i dont remember if I mentioned two relationship books that are good "His needs her needs" and "The five love languages" 

Sounds like I am putting it all on you but I am just talking about his side of things to help you figure out what he may be feeling. You have unmet needs too and you must say what they are. 

Right now, you need to hear what his plans are to fix this because what has done in the past did not work. 

Going to MC is a great start. Be prepared to be honest and talk about the good and the bad. Vow to each other not to conceal things that are lacking or what makes you unhappy. 

I hope you decide to give it a chance. It is too early right now to decide but give as much time as you need.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

justsam said:


> is that supposed to make you feel better?


no of course not... it was to explain to me that is wasn't out of being horney, or lust... 

besides i believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and she might have looked like a monster, but if in his eye a monster is pretty, then i can't say monsters are not pretty. 

and there isn't much he can say to make me feel better at this point...


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

catherine, 
now that some days have passed and i am not reeling at the shock... i have been thinking along those lines...

i think he is working to hard, and not getting enough down time... i have had 2 job offers, but he insists that he wants me home, and not want anyone else raising our daughter... i did the daycare and babysitter thing with my son, so i would do it again.. this is his first baby to raise, he has a stepdaughter but didn't begin raising her until she was already 11... but that doesn't mean he isn't overwhelmed in providing for us of course. 

i try to go out of my way to support him, and make sure he has no needs or wants... either from having good meals prepared, house and clothes clean, being able to have an extremely comfortable and quiet home when he is asleep during the day. i get his work clothes ready, his lunch and smoothies ready for his work nights. when he is home he is free to watch his nascar or sports, and we are near him to be together.. we have some fun, and activities with and without our daughter... i coupon and try to make his dollars stretch to the max, am very conscience of expenses and do not "shop" at all for anything except necessities... we really are pretty humble and frugal, but not extreme... we will save up for things, or to go somewhere... so it's not dreary and stressed i mean.

one thing i completely agree is, he is 100% sure about me... there is no challenge... i have lived through hell and he knows it, and i never strayed... i am a modest, faithful woman. i am pretty old school, and am thrilled and to be a wife and mother, and enjoy keeping a clean home, i love to cook, and take care of my family.... freakin snow white with birds chirping all around her as she cleans and cooks... sooo dumb right?? 

i have been only with my ex, and my husband... i think we have a lot of passion, and a great sex life, but he is more experienced and obviously there might be needs he isn't expressing to me... i have asked, and i am open.. either he is happy with it, or won't tell me... ugh!

as far as i know he did not cheat in his marriage... and his ex and i have talked about things... i mean it definitely would have come up i would think, since we spoke of her straying... there was some drinking he did during that time in their marriage, but nothing extreme... and he does not drink at all now.

i do think i need to be more social... and we need to be more social.. it is all about family.. well i mean it was. since there is no real free time for him, the time there is was about family. with him starting this new job, and leaving the other one in about a month, it will free up an extreme amount of time.. he will only be working 4 days... so possibly after recooperating and really resting, there could be more social events, more "dates"??? not just center everything around our daughter maybe... ???

i think i am going to give it a chance.... we will be going to our churches relation ship counselor beginning aug 2... his suggestion... i have been looking for a therapist, but i have found out our insurance does not cover that, and well like i said we are ok, but not financially set to be able to spend on that, with the frequency that we need too... but it is a start..

i think i will suggest to him to pick up our daughter next sat.. so he can spend the day with her... she misses him terribly...

he tells me he gives me full control over anything pertaining to him.. he will be 100% accountable for time, to and from work, he will answer all my questions, support me in my pain he has caused. give me all the room i need... he will be switching jobs to dedicate time to us, and have more free time... he just wants the opportunity to try... to prove to me everything i believed in him will be again... he is not pressuring me to come home like he was the first days.. he says he doesn't want to make anything worse for me... so he says he can wait forever, but he would just like the opportunity to start proving everything to me.

i know words are nothing, it is actions that matter... and it is a long road ahead... i am sooo hurt, and soooo angry at his stupidity!!!

i did write down the names of those books, and tomorrow after my park outing with my princess we will go to barnes and noble to get them... i am an avid reader... so i should get through them quickly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tx I think you have an excellent marriage. And you sound like a wife any man would love to have. 

You can approach the work issue as a temporary try to get you out of the house and to make more money available for a vacation for just the two of you. 

I really think woman need to have an identity outside of motherhood and wife. It makes you more independent and the outside contacts makes your life fuller.

I also think that men are less sure that a working wife will stay if he cheats. He may find it easier to forego the temptation on that basis. 

I am glad you are going to give it a shot. Don't be too good of a wife and anticipate his every need. You don't want to seem like his mother. Be a little more selfish from now on perfect wife sometimes backfires. 

Nice people really don't finish first. Being a little selfish is good, you are more interesting and keeps his interest. Also, let him support you emotionally from now on. 

If I am reading him right, he is a caretaker married to a caretaker. That may have been what appealed to him with this woman. Don't be a stoic and make like you don't need anything. Especially if you work. 

Let him take care of you sometimes, bring your problems and concerns to him. He may show his love though acts of service. 

You have to strike a balance. Just enough independence to appeal to his male side and just enough dependence to let him know you accept the way he shows love. 

I am certain you show him respect and appreciation. You both sound like rare and wonderful people. He made a mistake, it was a very bad one.

We all make them even very bad ones. I know you will eventually be able to put this behind you and trust him again. It does take a while but it happens.


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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

caretaker married to a caretaker... that is so extremely interesting.

can't wait to read those books... Marriage is sooo hard... i felt so lucky being in this one compared to the other one... how do you ever strike the correct balance?? seems like soooo much is against everyone, you know??

just seem like an easy equation, good wife+good hubby= good marriage... guess not.

i just feel alone.. lost, well pretty much every emotion except the good ones... how do you ever get over that to really have a shot at a happy marriage again?? just seems like sort of impossible...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No you are not alone. You remind me of myself. I am a caretaker too. In my mother's time, a man who allowed his wife to work would be shunned. The women were all caretakers when I grew up. Thankfully that is not so in my generation. I have a career but I am more like my mother and grand. I love to cook, keep house, take care of tge comfort of my family and make my husband happy. 

I am also sensitive to infidelity as my father cheated on my mother. I give as much as I get in my relationship. May sound selfish but I find it effective. It is human nature to value a woman who values herself and who does not worry overmuch about losing a man. My husband is not so sure about me and he should not be. I feel the same about him. I value him greatly too. 

Relationships take work, that surprised me but it is worth it if the work pays off. It not a simple formula or a fairy tale like girls are brought up to believe. It takes work to be understood and to maintain feelings of love. Giving too much is sometimes counterproductive. It may make your partner complacent and seeking challenges and excitement out side of the marriage. I give my husband a run for his money not too much but just enough. He does the same. We talk about so it no secret. We like it this way. 

I needed to learn how men and women think. We are very different. That has helped me to understand my husband and be more open to him. I am also able to understand some of the things he does that puzzled and annoyed me in the past. I think if you read and understand you husband as a man and individual you will join the ranks of women who do understand. It not as many of us as there should be but there are some. I consider myself fortunate. 

I learned a lot by studying men and reading post on TAM. I am a much happier woman and I don't feel as confused and alone as I did before. I am certain you will get to the same place so don't despair. 

I talk about my husband like he is an alien or adversary. I don't feel that way though - I appreciate his differences they complement me. I did not before I understood. It is important to understand why male female differences work to bring us together if we accept them as natural. 

When we rail against each other for being typically men or women we work against ourselves. 

Tx I wish this did not happen to you but on the other hand you can make it the best thing that ever happened.
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW you are lucky read some of the post of women dealing with infedelity. The reactions of most of tge men are nowhere near as remorseful as you husband. And they have done far worse. Read the infidelity web site that is maintained by a member named Affaircare(sp?). You can find the link on her page. there are different kinds of affairs some less promising for R than others. It will gradify you to know that you stand a very good chance to recover and have a good marriage if your husband is sincere. You just have to see based on what he does not what he says.
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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

thank you sooo much... time to educate myself, that is without a doubt. i think lots of women like me probably think this is it, life is sweet, and then WHAMMMM... and we are blindsided by something we hadn't even thought of...

i am very hopeful at our future, his attitude is great... now comes time for action. i will give him the opportunity to fail, and hope he succeeds... we are planning on talking on saturday.. face to face. since it has been only texts so far. i have a baby sitter lined up, he will actually drop her off there and then meet me, in a park.. not at home... we will just see what happens... we will start our relationship meetings in a few weeks at church...

this has the potential to make this marriage stronger, by opening our eyes (definitely mine) to all the work we must do, and how not to just take it all for granted...

i have started to read some posts, and i am sooooo sad with most of what i have read... and you are right, i feel very fortunate with mine.... i don't think i will dare reply in the posts yet... but i am definitely lighting some serious candles for the souls on this wonderful forum...

after counseling starts, and if all goes well, i think i will be ok with letting him move home... not in the house, but in the casita in the rear of the property... i think it will help us as well... he will be able to really rest from his job and the training for the new one... it will be easier with daddy time with princess.... and we can just try and get through this as best we can... i am still hurt and angry... but i am a strong believer that time heals all wounds..... and faith in God can move mountains...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I believe as you do. I think God challenges us and ask us to walk in faith. We don't always get what we want in exactly the way we expect but if we go with faith it always works out. I have been advised not to read what upsets me and distorts my view of men. 

Dont read any more now you see from the other side and that is enough. Also woman cheat as much as men and are just as heartless. You know just enough to put you relationship in perspective.

I think your plan is excellent. You show a strength of character and self- repect that should be a model for all women. Cheap forgiveness cheapens the giver and is not valued by the recipient. You are allowing him to earn your trust again. Just remember if you R he cannot be kept in purgatory forever. He has to have hope that if he proves his love and commitment that you will trust and respect him again.
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## txgirl (Jul 15, 2011)

so tomorrow is going to be the first time we see each other, and he will also be having his daddy day with our princess... and i am really nervous. i am worried that seeing him will bring this flood of emotions that have pretty much chilled all this week. i hate this roller coaster ride of emotion... truly sucks...


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