# Being tested all weekend!



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

So after reading and writing on this thread all week, I felt like I had made some progress with my attitude. I resolved not to control, nag, or do anything remotely biotchy if I could help it.

It seems by some cosmic practical joke, the universe decided that by my doing this my husband would morph into the absentminded professor! 

I've been working on my need to control, so I didn't remind him to do anything as I normally would. He kept forgetting things left and right. On Friday we had separate plans and he forgot the formula for the babies so we had deviate from the already tight schedule to go to the store. He forgot his cell phone at his mom's house, so we also had to go there. Between those two things I was an hour late. UGH! True to my word though, I did not complain. As a matter of fact, I just told him that we were running low on formula anyway so we may as well have gotten some more. 

Usually when I get into the car with him and he has to back up I turn my head too to see what is behind us. Attempting to be the more trusting wife, I didn't do this yesterday. Don't you know he backed into his sister's car! OMG. Usually, I would have been looking too so I would have warned him. I must admit that I probably could have handled this situation better. I was startled and visibly shaken. No damage to the cars. Later, he asked me if I was upset and I answered no. I honestly had forgotten about it.

Anyway, this is going to be a rough transition. Now that he doesn't have me to remind him to do things, he seems to be in a tail spin. It is really testing me to stay the course, but I have faith that he'll figure out a way to become more organized on his own.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

That's how it works.

The moment you decide to do something, (or not to do something) you are presented with opportunities to prove it.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

It was out of control. He even started asking me to do things for him because he knew he would forget. I didn't take the bait.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Good for you!

I have the same issue, but with my husband's TBI, he actually has memory or "forgetful" issues so it's hard for me to back off - but, he is better than he was and wants me to "control" less, so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and going to let him fly.

Hopefully I won't have the same type of disasters.

It's hard - it's like sending your kids off to college...HA HA


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

themrs said:


> It was out of control. He even started asking me to do things for him because he knew he would forget. I didn't take the bait.


My ex STILL does this. I have diagnosed ADHD, she is aware of this. I NEVER use it as an excuse, but the circumstances are real.

She can't let go of an opportunity to remind me of something. I think it must be like muscle memory. 

But in the scheme of things? She probably forgets, overlooks, or omits about as much as I do. She simply chooses to focus on ME.

I never call her out. Never. Because I get it.

I do just fine without my ex reminding how to conduct my life or what 'I should be doing'.

You need to be aware of whether or not you are 'setting him up'. Odds are this isn't about him testing you ... you are still testing him - and expecting him to fail.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Deejo said:


> My ex STILL does this. I have diagnosed ADHD, she is aware of this. I NEVER use it as an excuse, but the circumstances are real.
> 
> She can't let go of an opportunity to remind me of something. I think it must be like muscle memory.
> 
> ...


I don't expect him to fail. Quite the opposite. I didn't expect him to forget as much as he did. 

I don't think he's consciously testing me, but it's still a test for me. I have to keep being supportive and trusting even though every iota of my being wants to control. So far so good.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

themrs said:


> I don't expect him to fail. Quite the opposite. I didn't expect him to forget as much as he did.
> 
> I don't think he's consciously testing me, but it's still a test for me. I have to keep being supportive and trusting even though every iota of my being wants to control. So far so good.


I don't believe that anybody actively chooses to be a knucklehead. Well ... most don't.

Have these issues always been in play, or were they cultivated as a result of your relationship dynamic?

Good for you by the way. I know you have been working this angle for some time, no?


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I don't believe that anybody actively chooses to be a knucklehead. Well ... most don't.
> 
> Have these issues always been in play, or were they cultivated as a result of your relationship dynamic?
> 
> Good for you by the way. I know you have been working this angle for some time, no?


My husband recently went to a therapist who is pretty sure he has ADHD. He hasn't been formally diagnosed, but we're pretty sure he has it. When the therapist started telling him about the symptoms and giving him more information to read, he said it was like "A lightbulb went off in his head."

This new information has helped both of us. He now feels like there isn't anything "wrong" with him, his brain is just wired differently and I know don't take it personally when he does bonehead things (I used to take it really hard).

Prior to this however, the dynamic in our relationship has always been that I take on most of the responsibility because I simply don't trust that things will work out if I don't. That's because when I let my husband take the reigns, bills didn't get paid, things didn't get cleaned, appointments were forgotten, etc. It stressed me out so much, but being responsible for everything left me resentful.

So a while back I decided to let go of the stress AND the resentment and just let my husband sink or swim. I decided to just be the best wife I can be and that does not include nagging or controlling. So far, he's amazed me at how much more initiative he has taken with regards to his career and how much more accommodating and generous he is with me. 

This is the last step in my transformation. Even though I wasn't intentionally trying to control or nag, I realized that I remind him to do everything. So I decided to stop. I don't want to set him up to fail, rather I am giving him an opportunity to figure out a way to become organized on his own. I keep telling myself, "What's the worst that can happen?"


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

As a homemaker I think it is partly my job to help my husband stay organized. I tried letting go of all control and that just seemed to make my life worse. Now what I do is pick and choose. Usually anything having to do with the kids is my domain. Now he wanted to sign our son for boy scouts and I wanted no part of that. All him. Anything work related is all him too.

My kids are older than yours though so you need more help than I do and I've got more free time.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> As a homemaker I think it is partly my job to help my husband stay organized. I tried letting go of all control and that just seemed to make my life worse. Now what I do is pick and choose. Usually anything having to do with the kids is my domain. Now he wanted to sign our son for boy scouts and I wanted no part of that. All him. Anything work related is all him too.
> 
> My kids are older than yours though so you need more help than I do and I've got more free time.


That exact same strategy seems to have doomed my relationship.

But, it's stepchildren. I'm assuming these are both of yours.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> That exact same strategy seems to have doomed my relationship.
> 
> But, it's stepchildren. I'm assuming these are both of yours.


Yes they are our kids. Why did it doom your relationship? My husband works 50-60 hours a week he doesn't have time to be in charge of kids stuff. He does plenty when he's home. I have no complaints in that dept. He helps out every single night. What I meant was I'm in charge. He helps out but ultimately it's me that makes sure that the deadlines are met, that they get to and from school, eat well, etc.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

Wow, this thread describes my life to a T (myself being the absent-minded husband.)

The worst is the kitchen. I love to cook, especially breakfast, but no matter hard I try to clean up I will always forget one thing. There is hell to pay for leaving a greasy pan on the stove, but it's a double standard because she does this all the time; when I point this out she says it's "because I know I'm going to clean it up anyway," which I think is BS.

I've discovered that we are both happier when I stay out of the kitchen, but the price is that I rarely get to cook anything, and I do enjoy cooking from time to time.

There's other stuff, but the biggest thing is the kitchen.

I've started to notice that she forgets things as well - especially with shopping/spending habits (she overdrew her account after buying lots of baby clothes), but I am not one to beat a dead horse because I see our time together as valuable and precious and would much rather state my grievance briefly and then go back to enjoying each other's company.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

nader said:


> Wow, this thread describes my life to a T (myself being the absent-minded husband.)
> 
> The worst is the kitchen. I love to cook, especially breakfast, but no matter hard I try to clean up I will always forget one thing. There is hell to pay for leaving a greasy pan on the stove, but it's a double standard because she does this all the time; when I point this out she says it's "because I know I'm going to clean it up anyway," which I think is BS.
> 
> ...


You're right. It's BS that she leaves a pot on the stove but has a different standard for you. That's not fair.

I've realized lately that I hold my husband to the same standard that I hold myself. If I can get things done in X amount of time, so can he. If I can clean up a kitchen after making dinner, so can he. That way of thinking hasn't really worked out well for me. Now, I'm doing my best to accept that there are double standards in life and no one said that marriage was fair. 

At this point I'm just praising him for the things I see him doing well every chance I get. In addition, I'm working on not resenting him not doing the things I think he "should" be doing. It is a daily struggle for me.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Girl you know there isn't a man out there that can do things as well as you can? You are just too fabulous for words.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Girl you know there isn't a man out there that can do things as well as you can? You are just too fabulous for words.


Things don't have to get done well. At this point I'll settle for just done at all. 

I'm just having one of those days. This too shall pass.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm so glad I'm 45 and don't give a ****. Done, not done, in the grand scheme of things I just don't care anymore. And not from a whiny, martyr place this is from an enpowered don't sweat the small stuff place. I can have this zen peace regardless of what is going on around me. Fabulous!


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm so glad I'm 45 and don't give a ****. Done, not done, in the grand scheme of things I just don't care anymore. And not from a whiny, martyr place this is from an enpowered don't sweat the small stuff place. I can have this zen peace regardless of what is going on around me. Fabulous!


I'm not in a whiny, martyr place or a zen place. I'm in transition. I'm in a place where I know what I have to do but I'm having a hard time doing it. I know I shouldn't let my circumstances dictate my happiness, but sometimes I do. That's where I am right now.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I mean no disrespect at all. You know that right? What I meant was yes I no longer let my circumstances dictate my happiness but didn't know how to say that. So when I said I don't care I didn't want you to take it like I'd given up because that's not what it's about. I used to think if I controlled the world I'd be happy but now I see the exact opposite is true. The less I control the happier I am. It's incredibly hard to do though. My hats off to you for setting this as a goal. It's taken me a decade to get it. Hope you figure it out sooner than I did. LOL!!


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I mean no disrespect at all. You know that right? What I meant was yes I no longer let my circumstances dictate my happiness but didn't know how to say that. So when I said I don't care I didn't want you to take it like I'd given up because that's not what it's about. I used to think if I controlled the world I'd be happy but now I see the exact opposite is true. The less I control the happier I am. It's incredibly hard to do though. My hats off to you for setting this as a goal. It's taken me a decade to get it. Hope you figure it out sooner than I did. LOL!!


I didn't take it disrespectfully at all. It's so hard to get across tone on message boards.

I really respect your opinion. I am happy for you and I hope one day I will be where you are. I am really working hard to get there but it is a struggle.

You are right, I don't want the control at all. Yesterday, I had to register my daughter for PreK. It took a while so my husband said he would prefer if I called out of work because he had the opportunity to earn some money. I didn't want to do it because I don't have any time saved up with my job so my check will be short a day's pay. He said, "Well I guess you could go back to work." I told him, "Whatever you want me to do, that's what I will do." He said, "I want you to call out of work."

I didn't WANT to do that, but I did. After that I had a GREAT day being with my kids and I actually resented coming in to work this morning. I should be at home with them. That's where I want to be. I don't want to be in the driver's seat of any part of my marriage. I want to be free of this burden and it feels good when I have any opportunity to let go and let HIM. 

I think he understand this, but he just doesn't have the sense of urgency I have. Regardless, my plan to quit is still in motion.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> I told him, "Whatever you want me to do, that's what I will do." He said, "I want you to call out of work."


My 30 year old best friend does stuff like this but then gets upset when it's not the answer she wants. Why do ladies like you ask questions when you know full well exactly what you want to do? Just do it and don't ask. It only builds resentment on both parts. 

On quitting your job. Hang in there. Took me 3.5 years to get home after my first was born. And I complained about it the whole time. Oh if I only knew then what I know now...I think I would have appreciated my job more. Who knew that my days were numbered and that I was so close to retirement. LOL!


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If your husband does have ADHD, you are going to have to realize that he is NOT like you and won't be able to do the same things as you do in the same time frame or with the same level of accuracy. If he goes on an ADD drug like Adderall or something, that might help him with being more organized and to plan better, but having both a husband and son with ADD, I can tell you that you will be forever frustrated if you hold them to "normal" standards. They have a cognitive impairment that gets in the way of many executive functions. They are not intentionally forgetting or being less detailed. They are impaired! To be honest, people with ADD have to work MUCH harder than the average person on just about everything. 

If you want him to be more proactive, I think it is important to talk about what you both agree to do and not do for the family responsibilities (bill paying, vacation planning, etc.). There is nothing wrong with you doing the stuff that is easier for you to do and having him do stuff that works with his skill set.

Maybe you should get some counseling to help with your issues of control. It might make it easier for you to cope. And I do think your husband trying ADD meds would help with the attention issues.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Laurae1967 said:


> If your husband does have ADHD, you are going to have to realize that he is NOT like you and won't be able to do the same things as you do in the same time frame or with the same level of accuracy. If he goes on an ADD drug like Adderall or something, that might help him with being more organized and to plan better, but having both a husband and son with ADD, I can tell you that you will be forever frustrated if you hold them to "normal" standards. They have a cognitive impairment that gets in the way of many executive functions. They are not intentionally forgetting or being less detailed. They are impaired! To be honest, people with ADD have to work MUCH harder than the average person on just about everything.
> 
> If you want him to be more proactive, I think it is important to talk about what you both agree to do and not do for the family responsibilities (bill paying, vacation planning, etc.). There is nothing wrong with you doing the stuff that is easier for you to do and having him do stuff that works with his skill set.
> 
> Maybe you should get some counseling to help with your issues of control. It might make it easier for you to cope. And I do think your husband trying ADD meds would help with the attention issues.



The diagnosis is new and we are still adjusting. This is sound advice though. 

He did FINALLY tell me that when he starts his new job and I stay home with the kids that he is giving me total control over the finances. He admitted that he felt like he SHOULD be doing that part in the past, but now sees that I'm just better at it so he's letting me do it. I'm grateful for that. So we did have that talk and it has helped a lot for him to feel less pressure to do things he feels like he's not good at. 

I'm beginning to take things less personally than I used too now that I know he is impaired. We make a joke about things now and say, "That's just that damn ADHD again!" It's like, if we can laugh about it and not take it too seriously it won't be a point of stress.


----------

