# Trying to make it right....



## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

Man... Where to begin?

My husband and I have been married just under two years, and been together nearly 5 years. We've had our ups and downs, and been through a lot both while were dating and after we got married.

April of 2012, we were really tested as a couple. I was diagnosed with a very early stage of cervical cancer after having fought various issues with my cervix for years.

To make matters worse, we found out a few months later that I was going to have issues carrying a child to term. While we were never 100% sold on having kids, it still felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me. 

I wasn't dealing with all these changes well, as a person who strives to maintain control in my life, this was a tough blow. I began retreating into myself, pacifying my husband's requests for me to talk to him, to seek help, I wasn't interested at that point. All I wanted to do was retreat. So I did.

The situation worsened when we discovered I was pregnant in early December 2012. I was devestated because I was still fighting cancerous cells and was advised it was in my best interest to terminate. We agreed that my health needed to be more solid before we had children and went ahead with termination.

As a person who is not normally an "emotional" thinker, this was really a tough blow for me. He was there throughout the process, but I just dug deeper into my pit of numbness and retreated.

I made a mistake. I allowed a weak moment with a co-worker to escalate into an encounter. Yes, there was alcohol involved, but I don't blame that. I made a decision, I chose to do what I did.

Initially, we were both very adamant that this was a mistake and it couldn't happen again. Unfortunately, within a couple of months, the subject came up again. We talked of doing it again but ultimately did not, as I was starting to realize how very damaged my marriage had become. We called it off and discontinued our friendship.

Unfortunately, my husband discovered an incriminating email a few weeks later.

Obviously the fall out was massive. I didn't spend the first night there and he was furious with me. He was insistant that he didn't believe me, that he was convinced that it had happened multiple times, with potentially more than one person. I assured him that was not the case, that it was the one time.

Don't get me wrong. I completely understand how damaging one time can be. I do.

We spoke the next day and he wanted me to return to our home and see if we could work this out. 

It's been a month. In that month I have found a new job that I will be starting in a week, I have been seeing a therapist regularly, (he has agreed to attend couples therapy when the therapist believes it's time) I maintain a journal of my thoughts, ideas, etc. I have happily handed over my phone whenever he asks for it. I have really shifted my focus to him, and have done and said everything I can to reassure him that I want to be here, with him, that I will continue to try until he tells me he doesn't want this anymore.

Obviously this sort of thing is killer on self-esteem and I don't doubt he's feeling very insecure right now.

Bottom line is that I'm aware and taking ownership of my indiscretions. I realize the damage I did and I'm aware that the road going forward is going to be a long one, and that it may still end up with us parting ways.

Currently, we're doing better-ish. He's still got questions, he's still having a hard time believing me (though I suspect he doesn't believe much of what I say at this point since I've shattered his trust), it's a bit like a roller coaster. We have several days where we're good and I feel like we're on the right track, then he has a blow up and I don't know what to do or say because I don't have all the answers and/or he doesn't like the answers I give. 

I realize that my words don't carry a lot of weight right now, and in his calm moments he acknowledges my efforts and feels they are genuine. But he fears that I'll either quit trying or that it will happen again.

Right now, I just... I feel lost. I feel like I walk on eggshells half the time, and I never know when the switch is going to flip. I don't know what to say in those angry moments, it always seems wrong, no matter what comes out of my mouth.

If anyone has any advice or thoughts, that would help.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have been through a lot in two years of marriage. But I have to say that your decision to have an affair was an indication that you are not in love with your husband and you have no respect for the man.

Not even married two years yet and already looking outside the marriage - are you sure you want this marriage? It does not sound like it to me.

It might be best for both of you to just walk away.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> You have been through a lot in two years of marriage. But I have to say that your decision to have an affair was an indication that you are not in love with your husband and you have no respect for the man.
> 
> Not even married two years yet and already looking outside the marriage - are you sure you want this marriage? It does not sound like it to me.
> 
> It might be best for both of you to just walk away.



He has posed that question to me on multiple occasions, he has also pointed out the lack of time that has gone by. He has called into question my feelings for him and my lack of respect for our marriage. I definitely understand where that comes from but I dont' want to give up and walk away. I feel like I don't recognize the person I allowed myself to become. I want to figure out who I am now and I hope that he wants to be with me for that.

To me, when you look at this situation long term, the easier thing to do would be to walk away. Staying, proving my desire to be there, that's the path I've chosen, and to me, it seems infinitely harder. And I didn't choose that lightly. My husband has repeatedly told me that he wants me to want this as well. I'm not giving this a try just because it's convenient to stay married, or because I don't want to deal with divorce. I'm doing this because I want to be with him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MOH820 said:


> To me, when you look at this situation long term, the easier thing to do would be to walk away. Staying, proving my desire to be there, that's the path I've chosen, and to me, it seems infinitely harder. And I didn't choose that lightly. My husband has repeatedly told me that he wants me to want this as well. I'm not giving this a try just because it's convenient to stay married, or because I don't want to deal with divorce. I'm doing this because I want to be with him.


That, and it really is difficult to find a man who will stick with you through thick and thin and with all your health issues. He stayed with you and supported you emotionally. He's a good provider.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> That, and it really is difficult to find a man who will stick with you through thick and thin and with all your health issues. He stayed with you and supported you emotionally. He's a good provider.


That's a good point. I hadn't looked at him so much as a good provider as I had a "good man" though I suppose those things are essentially one in the same. The point is, we both think it's worth fighting for, which is a good thing, so right now, we endure and keep fighting. I will fight for as long as he wants to.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Just be open and give every detail he asks for.. Hold nothing back.. Show him all evidence and show him how much you want your marriage to work out.. Its all up to him and your just along for the ride now, he will determine if he can forgive and move forward, do not set a time limit on his healing also there is none. You need to help his self esteem cause it toast now.. You need to do some heavy lifting.. 

I to am in your spouses shoes. My wife went through Hodgkin Lymphoma, then cervical cancer and now were dealing with a autistic child.. She decided to have a EA. I cant imagine how your spouse is handling this with a PA especially all the stuff he stood by your side on.. Id would of left if my wife had a PA.. Be ready for some resentment once his starts getting his mind wrapped around this as well. Once he thinks of what he has done for you and starts to figure out why he has to go through this and its not fair may be tough to go through.. Good luck.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

ody360 said:


> Just be open and give every detail he asks for.. Hold nothing back.. Show him all evidence and show him how much you want your marriage to work out.. Its all up to him and your just along for the ride now, he will determine if he can forgive and move forward, do not set a time limit on his healing also there is none. You need to help his self esteem cause it toast now.. You need to do some heavy lifting..
> 
> I to am in your spouses shoes. My wife went through Hodgkin Lymphoma, then cervical cancer and now were dealing with a autistic child.. She decided to have a EA. I cant imagine how your spouse is handling this with a PA especially all the stuff he stood by your side on.. Id would of left if my wife had a PA.. Be ready for some resentment once his starts getting his mind wrapped around this as well. Once he thinks of what he has done for you and starts to figure out why he has to go through this and its not fair may be tough to go through.. Good luck.



A lot of that has come up over and over again. He has the moments, and he brings all of that up, nearly everthing you said, and it's hard on both of us because he's hunting for all these answers, reasons as to what happened, what went wrong, but in the end, I don't have them all, not yet. So I do my best to show him and re-affirm my dedication and desire to see this through. Thank you for your honesty and forthrightness.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You turn away from your marraige under stress.
Not good. Most people turn toward it. That's something you should explore during counseling. 

Let your husband go through his process. It will take time for him to decide if he can stick with you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So far it looks like you're doing the right things:


You quit your job and have went NC with your OM and starting a job somewhere else
You hand over your phone easily upon request and try to be transparent
You freely answer questions about the affair.
You are in therapy to help fix yourself and determine why you did what you did

You're doing what many of us BSs have dreamed of our WS doing. Now what you did wrong thats causing your BH to feel the way he is:


After being with you through thick and thin, you had a PA with a coworker. You repaid his love with deceit
You broke NC with your OM, and your BH had to discover it instead of you confessing to him. You broke trust for the second time. This is considered DDay #2.

Betrayal and infidelity is one of the most traumatic things that anyone can experience. It ranks above the death of a loved one in many cases. You describe his feelings and actions perfectly.


The Emotional Roller Coaster - One day you are the love of his life, the next moment he's angry and can't stand the sight of you
Triggers - Any situation or visual images or music can trigger his memory of your affair
Questions - He will be asking questions about the affair for a long time. This is normal.

It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from the devastating trauma of an affair. DO NOT ever try to rush him, or tell him to get over it already. This takes time. Continue to answer any questions he has about the affair, don't hold anything back just because you fear hurting him more, he needs to know. Continue to be transparent with him. Give him any passwords to any accounts that you know of, that way he won't think you're hiding anything from him. If you're going somewhere, let him know when, where and what time you will be coming home. Call/text him when you're out. 

You can't say sorry enough. Continue to comfort him when he triggers and assure him that he is the only one for you and that you regret ever having betrayed him. A PA, for many men and women, is sexually emasculating. We have what's called *MIND MOVIES*, where we imagine what our WS did with their OM/OW. These mind movies replay over and over in our minds. We wonder if the OM/OW was better in bed, was OM bigger than us, did you enjoy it better with OM/OW than with us, did you give OM/OW something that you denied to your BH, etc, etc. The thing you can do is continue to reassure him. If he wants sex, then you need to sex him up, big time. Hopefully you're in Hysterical Bonding at this time. The physical intimacy of sex can help you both reconnect.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> So far it looks like you're doing the right things:
> 
> 
> You quit your job and have went NC with your OM and starting a job somewhere else
> ...



A lot of what you mentioned really hit home. It was good to read something from someone on the other side. Your words were encouraging. A lot of what you mentioned seems to be what he's experiencing, especially the triggers and mind movies.

I've been very open about this process taking time and wanting to continue to go down that path with him. It's daunting but I'm doing this because I want to be here. The sex you mentioned, that's definitely happening more, and I've for sure been very open to that, does that really help as much as you say?

He's been very forthcoming. When he's got an issue or a question, he asks. I know that will be the way it is for awhile. But I'm here to stay, and I have reassured him of that, and will continue to do so.

Thank you for your input, that was very helpful.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

yes the sex helps. its a way for him to reclaim what he lost, marking his territory (all mental healing stuff) enjoy it odds are it wont last. its a 2-5 year road ahead of you


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MOH820, you are very brave coming here, and full marks for that. However, I am going to give you a demerit for your use of one word that is redolent of unicorns running underneath pink sky affairland speak.

"Indiscretions" is such a lovely, fluffy word, isn't it? For such a nasty, calculatedly, deceitful and vile betrayal.

And if it was only once, why use the plural form of that word?:scratchhead:

Would there be other matters you aren't being quite 100% truthful about?


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> MOH820, you are very brave coming here, and full marks for that. However, I am going to give you a demerit for your use of one word that is redolent of unicorns running underneath pink sky affairland speak.
> 
> "Indiscretions" is such a lovely, fluffy word, isn't it? For such a nasty, calculatedly, deceitful and vile betrayal.
> 
> ...


The "s" in the word was to indicate the first time it happened, as well as the second time it almost happened, as both my husband and I feel like it wasn't just one betrayal, but two. But I appreciate the honesty in your statement, that's what I'm here for.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MOH820 said:


> The "s" in the word was to indicate the first time it happened, as well as the second time it almost happened, as both my husband and I feel like it wasn't just one betrayal, but two. But I appreciate the honesty in your statement, that's what I'm here for.


Thanks for your explanation.

Hey! You did something bad. But you only did one bad thing. Don't build your part up! :rofl:

The important thing is that you realised you were doing something bad and you stopped it.

By the way, be sure to only tell your husband as many details as he wants. When my wife had an affair I did not want any details. The betrayal was enough to cope with. We got through it but if I had demanded every last detail? I don't know if we could have got through it.

But do not use the word indiscretion. It's too 'nice' a word. Maybe use something like betrayal, perhaps?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

you are brave like mattmatt said, for the record if your husband was here posting i would tell him to divorce you and leave.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MOH820 said:


> The sex you mentioned, that's definitely happening more, and I've for sure been very open to that, does that really help as much as you say?


There's no guarantee of course, that HB will result in R. The HB in combination with you doing the heavy lifting (what you've been doing by NC, transparency, etc) will give you two a much better chance at R. 

With that said, look at this guy's story and see why he's in limbo and pain and why his marriage probably won't make it. There are more like this, but I'm going to work and don't have more time to look up the other threads.

My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex

"She/he did things with him/her"

F me Like she F'ed Him


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

listen to lordmayhem, gives great advice


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> you are brave like mattmatt said, for the record if your husband was here posting i would tell him to divorce you and leave.


I can respect that. I know he's had those moments, he's questioned why he's stayed. I realize there are no guarantees in this situation. If he doesn't want me, then I'll walk. But if he wants to work on it, I'll stay for as long as he'll let me.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Thanks for your explanation.
> 
> Hey! You did something bad. But you only did one bad thing. Don't build your part up! :rofl:
> 
> ...



Thanks for the clarification, I get the word choice. I have spoken with my therapist about how I feel on the subject and she has indicated that while my behavior is not acceptable and that I should hold myself accountable, I'm going to have to figure out a way to cope with this internally (regardless of the outcome of our relationship) because the only way to move forward is with a healthier mindset.

I've not provided him with any details he hasn't asked for. He has asked for "nitty-gritty" details and while I wasn't sure if these answers were in his best interest (because who am I to judge that?), I provided the answers becasue I didn't want to give him the impression I was hiding anything.

Thank you for your insight.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

ody360 said:


> Just be open and give every detail he asks for.. Hold nothing back.. Show him all evidence and show him how much you want your marriage to work out.. Its all up to him and your just along for the ride now, he will determine if he can forgive and move forward, do not set a time limit on his healing also there is none. You need to help his self esteem cause it toast now.. You need to do some heavy lifting..
> 
> I to am in your spouses shoes. My wife went through Hodgkin Lymphoma, then cervical cancer and now were dealing with a autistic child.. She decided to have a EA. I cant imagine how your spouse is handling this with a PA especially all the stuff he stood by your side on.. Id would of left if my wife had a PA.. Be ready for some resentment once his starts getting his mind wrapped around this as well. Once he thinks of what he has done for you and starts to figure out why he has to go through this and its not fair may be tough to go through.. Good luck.


Thank you for sharing your story and your opinion. I'm here for all the words and thoughts I can get. I appreciate you speaking up.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> There's no guarantee of course, that HB will result in R. The HB in combination with you doing the heavy lifting (what you've been doing by NC, transparency, etc) will give you two a much better chance at R.
> 
> With that said, look at this guy's story and see why he's in limbo and pain and why his marriage probably won't make it. There are more like this, but I'm going to work and don't have more time to look up the other threads.
> 
> ...



Thank you for referring me, those will be useful. As for the HB and the heavy lifting, I'm game to keep going. I want to see this through, I have and will continue to accept the responsibility of my actions and continue to prove my desire to be with him. I hope that R is in our future, as it seems to be slowly moving along, but I take things a day at a time, and take nothing for granted.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

good luck to you i hope things work out for you health wise!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

When you had your sexual encounter did you use protection? If you did not then this will have to be perceived by your spouse as your lack of appreciation and respect for him as a spouse and a man.

If you did not use protection has you and your husband been tested for STD's?

Finally has the OM's girlfriend or spouse been notified? There has to be consequences to the actions involved and this will no doubt help your husband somewhat. Otherwise he will always feel that the OM got to have sex with his wife and then go on his merry way without consequences for his actions.

I do have to say that you have been blind. Your husband has gone through hell to help you in your time of need and then you repay him by having sex with a co-worker. You compound it further by getting close to doing it again a few months later and you have been only married 2 years. You clearly have taken your husband for granted.

If the roles were reversed would you have been so accepting and forgiving as you husband as been? I am sorry for your health but you have deliberately humiliated your husband on multiple levels. You need to thank your lucky stars that he still wants to be with you at all.


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## MOH820 (Apr 29, 2013)

bryanp said:


> When you had your sexual encounter did you use protection? If you did not then this will have to be perceived by your spouse as your lack of appreciation and respect for him as a spouse and a man.
> 
> If you did not use protection has you and your husband been tested for STD's?
> 
> ...


Precautions were taken and I ended up needing to be tested for multiple issues after the fact (on an unrelated health issue) and everything returned back clean.

I was, in fact, blind to his support and efforts to maintain and help me. I definitely took him for granted and (stupidly) thought he would always be there and love me no matter what. Needless to say, that belief has gone out the window.

There was no one to alert on the OM's side of things. My husband did confront him via email, as he was not in a state to contact him in any other way.

Believe me when I say I thank my lucky stars every single day. 

Thank you for your thoughts, I definitely appreciate your point of view.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> you are brave like mattmatt said, for the record if your husband was here posting i would tell him to divorce you and leave.


But I would not. I think it is fixable with work on both sides.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MOH820 said:


> Thanks for the clarification, I get the word choice. I have spoken with my therapist about how I feel on the subject and she has indicated that while my behavior is not acceptable and that I should hold myself accountable, I'm going to have to figure out a way to cope with this internally (regardless of the outcome of our relationship) because the only way to move forward is with a healthier mindset.
> 
> I've not provided him with any details he hasn't asked for. He has asked for "nitty-gritty" details and while I wasn't sure if these answers were in his best interest (because who am I to judge that?), I provided the answers becasue I didn't want to give him the impression I was hiding anything.
> 
> Thank you for your insight.


If your therapist suggested you use the word indiscretion then that's not good. When I had a stupid sort of accidental revenge affair I didn't have an indiscretion I betrayed my wife and myself. When I realised that I was able to move on with myself and my marriage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i never said it wasnt fixable matt, anything is with both sides committed. im just saying if he was here id tell him to D because after all he did for her (being there supporting her) she did the ultimate betrayal. granted im a burn all bridges kinda guy i will admit that.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

keep doing what you're doing. it's gonna take time. his trust in you is shot- you're gonna have to earn it back.


you must understand this might very well be a dealbreaker for your husband no matter how much effort you put into it. these are the consequences one must face.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MOH820 said:


> That's a good point. I hadn't looked at him so much as a good provider as I had a "good man" though I suppose those things are essentially one in the same. The point is, we both think it's worth fighting for, which is a good thing, so right now, we endure and keep fighting. *I will fight for as long as he wants to*.


No MOH.

If you really love your Husband and know he is the one then you have to continue to fight for your marriage even he no longer wants to.

Real love is not just out of convenience. Real love is a necessity.

You need to prove that to him now. Not because of a ONS but because it turned into an Affair.

That is what is really damaging to him.

Keep posting and I am glad you are in therapy. Your health issues plus termination of a child for health reasons is truly mind bending.

I can actually understand just how messed up you got. It is just sad that you went there....... 

Especially when you have a loving husband supporting you.....


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