# My parents might divorce next year :(



## applelemon

Pardon me if this all sounds jumbled up, but I'm very "not here" right now.

My mother has been telling me for years (at least 3 years) that she doesn't think she can be with my father after all the kids are grown and out of the house. I'm the oldest at 27 and I have a sister 25 and a brother who is still 15. She told me today that she wants to wait until my brother is graduated and she wants to leave back to the UK (where she is originally from).

I didn't know what to say or how to respond so I told her to do what she wants. Inside I felt very uneasy and confused. I have very vivid and distinct memories from when I was a small child about her being unhappy with my father. My father doesn't abuse or anything! I guess she was always just not truly happy. All these memories starting making sense. I think my mother was just staying with my father because she felt the need to do so as a mother and provide us a stable home with a mother and father together. (It all makes sense now) I have never seen them affectionate in front of me. And I think my youngest brother was a "mistake." Of course I would never bring it up but it's all so weird now.

I know it's not my business to tell her what to do because she's the one married to my father, but I feel very strange and confused right now. I just saw her looking at apartments for sale in the UK and it was so awkward. I'm not sure if she is going through a midlife crisis and needs help. I'm not sure what to do.

I'm really worried for my father if they do divorce. He has almost no friends and his life has been all about taking care of the house and the family. I'm especially worried because my cousin's father committed suicide after their divorce. It's all so much to handle right now for me. And this is only a month or so after I got divorced. Is it my fault that I put the thoughts in her head? What should I do? Should I advise her to see a therapist?
I don't know what to do.
I'm


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## EleGirl

No it's not your fault. Don't even go there. 

Does your father know what your mother is thinking? She really needs to talk to him about this. Women leaving their husbands when the children leave is epidemic in our society.

I wonder if your father would do things to rekindle the marriage if he knew what to do?


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## applelemon

EleGirl said:


> Does your father know what your mother is thinking? She really needs to talk to him about this. Women leaving their husbands when the children leave is epidemic in our society.
> 
> I wonder if your father would do things to rekindle the marriage if he knew what to do?


I don't think he does! That's what worried me the most about my father. I don't want him to find out and have a heart attack or something.
Should I tell my mother to tell him? I mean, I don't know if that's appropriate but I think she is just going to bust the news to him one day. It sounds unfair.


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## EleGirl

applelemon said:


> I don't think he does! That's what worried me the most about my father. I don't want him to find out and have a heart attack or something.
> Should I tell my mother to tell him? I mean, I don't know if that's appropriate but I think she is just going to bust the news to him one day. It sounds unfair.


If she were my mom, I'd tell her that divorce is not all it's cracked up to be. She has almost 3 years left before her youngest is 18. That you would hope that for that time you hope she would give the marriage one last shot. To tell your dad that she's not happy.. so unhappy that she wants to divorce.. and she wants him to work with her to fix the marriage. And then I would buy them the books in my signature block for bulding a passionate marriage.


Does your mother work outside the home?

I have known may women who do what your mother wants to do. And they do not end up happier. They end up in pretty bad financial situations. And they end up very lost. If your mom moves to the UK, how often will she even get to see her children?

This is so sad.


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## applelemon

EleGirl said:


> If she were my mom, I'd tell her that divorce is not all it's cracked up to be. She has almost 3 years left before her youngest is 18. That you would hope that for that time you hope she would give the marriage one last shot. To tell your dad that she's not happy.. so unhappy that she wants to divorce.. and she wants him to work with her to fix the marriage. And then I would buy them the books in my signature block for bulding a passionate marriage.
> 
> 
> Does your mother work outside the home?
> 
> I have known may women who do what your mother wants to do. And they do not end up happier. They end up in pretty bad financial situations. And they end up very lost. If your mom moves to the UK, how often will she even get to see her children?
> 
> This is so sad.


I'm not sure if she wants to deal with us (kids) anymore. Maybe we tired her out as well as her marriage gone sour, I don't know. 

She asked me earlier today if I would be able to hold the fort. I was thinking, what a horrible question, and she said it with such ease and casualness.....She also said something about quitting her job and working at a local grocery store before she leaves so she can just work without use her brain. She is a teacher right now! What the heck is she thinking.

How do I go about telling her she needs to rethink her options first? Do I just go about telling her straight up and directly? Is there any subtle way to tell her? I don't want to upset her and make her want to leave now


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## Tap1214

Your Mom has confide in you because she obviously trust you. And given you went through divorce yourself, perhaps she feels comfortable talking to you.
Having said that, I don't think you should say anything to your father. Instead, encourage your Mom to communicate with your Dad and express her true feelings about marriage and her plans to leave etc. Just say .."Mom, how would you feel if Dad did this to you" and I think she will understand and listen to you.
Either way, please be there for her, as she has been there for you for 27 years. She will be needing your friendship and your unconditional love, no matter what decision she makes in the end!


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## applelemon

So I guess I have to tell her nicely about my concerns about keeping it a secret from my father. 
This certainly won't be easy but I will definitely give it a try. I really don't want to see them divorce but I know my mother is miserable. I only hope she find a way to be happy without leaving my father and us (kids), but I understand if she must.
This is very confusing day for me today. I think I'm the only one who knows. My sister is away in the army and she is always busy, still a kid anyway.


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## readyforbaby76

I think if your mom is unhappy and has been for (what you say) has been a long time, then she should DEFINITLY divorce.
I think its so very sad that women stay in unhappy marriages (for the kids).
Your mom deserves to be happy and if the marriage isn't doing it then she deserves better. This doesn't mean anything negative against your dad, it just means you mom needs to move on.
I hope you can see it that way and definitly DO NOT THINK THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You said it yourself that you can remember back when you were little that she wasn't happy - so your own divorce has NOTHING to do with her decisions now.

Your dad will be ok. if she is unhappy that im sure he is unhappy too. They both deserve to live the rest of their lives happily.

Seperating could be the BEST THING that happens to both of them.....


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## gonefishin

Very difficult situation.

The best thing you can do right now is be there for your family. Your brother is going to need you. Especially if your mom is leaving for the UK.


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## EleGirl

Perhaps you could suggest that your mom go to individual counseling. She’s not happy and in the end she is responsible for her own happiness. From what you have said, her wanting to take a job where she does not need to think, it sounds like she is depressed. If you think that depression is a concern perhaps you could encourage her to see a doctor to get some anti-depressants.


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## applelemon

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words.
I'm still at little lost here though and despite all your replies to not blame myself. I can't help but feel like i am one of the reasons she's so unhappy with herself. I mean, she stayed with my father for us. I don't know if she felt that all our lives but I feel really confused at the moment, trying not to but doubting if she ever really wanted to have me. I know I know don't think like this...! It just crossed my mind a couple times.
I'll talk to her about other options and individual therapy once I get a little less shocked at what's going on. She clearly is depressed and unhappy. I hope I can help in some way.
Thank you all again 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

I'm sorry you are in the middle of this. 

You might want to tell your mom that she needs to talk with your dad so that they can seek counseling together--if only to have the support of a therapist for your dad while he is coming to grips with the shock, and to give him time to adjust to the possibility. Tell her she owes it to you and your siblings, b/c it is not right for her to leave the burden of your dad's suffering on you "kids." It is not right for her to ask you to "hold down the fort," either; you have your own life to live and this mess is of your parents' making. They are equally responsible for the end of the marriage, and while they are individually responsible for their own happiness, if your mom knows that your dad is likely to fall apart, then she owes it to the kids NOT to leave them to deal with it. She won't want to; she has years of resentment built up and she figures he needs to step up to the plate. But he won't if his children are there to rely on--and it simply isn't right to ask you guys to do this. So if they start counseling now, she should be, in a year at least, in a good position to know if she wants to leave or stay. She may know in her heart that she will never want to stay, but that's not as important as making the effort, getting him used to the possibility, and then used to the coming reality. I think it would be a lot less painful for everyone if she did this, although it will be a lot more burden than she wants. But if it is for her kids, she'll do it, and she will eventually be glad that she did. Going through counseling will help her deal with her anger and guilt, too, so she will have direct benefits. 

You need to tell her you are worried about your dad committing suicide, too, if she isn't already aware that thought may be crossing your mind. She has put you in a position where you are feeling a burden well beyond what she anticipated in telling you what she did. Moms don't want to do that to their kids, and knowing that YOU are suffering is likely to give her the strength to accept responsibilities she'd rather not take on. 

And no matter how much she thinks she will *never* decide to stay, or how much she thinks counseling cannot work, she might be surprised. If not, at least she did a good thing by trying, and by making sure your dad has a transition time--for your sakes, not for his (she probably doesn't care if he has an easy time of it or not, so don't get into that). Since she isn't planning to leave for a few years yet, it is not like you are asking her to put off her happiness any longer than she already plans to. 

God bless.


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## Tap1214

Don't ever feel like your Mom didn't want you. Of course she loves you and want you, very reason why she stayed in the marriage for all these years even tho' she was unhappy.
Hang in there and we will be praying for you ...


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## sisters359

Tap1214 said:


> Don't ever feel like your Mom didn't want you. Of course she loves you and want you, very reason why she stayed in the marriage for all these years even tho' she was unhappy.
> Hang in there and we will be praying for you ...


Yes, I agree--as my marriage broke down, I never wanted anything but to be with my kids, and the joy of having them in my life was always so much greater than the unhappiness of the marriage. That's what "disconnecting" in a marriage is really about--when a person can be really happy in an unhappy marriage b/c their happiness comes from their kids and the life they have beyond their marriage. I'm sure that does not make any sense! But it's the best I can explain it. I have loved every moment of my life with my kids and would do it all again just to have them in my life. I don't regret staying as long as I did, and I don't regret leaving when I did, so I guess I timed it right.


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## applelemon

Sorry, I'm trying to hold back my tears after reading your posts Tap and Sisters...

Thank you, that really means a lot; I take it you are both parents yourselves? I guess with me not being a parent, it's a little harder to see things from my mother's eyes and I should stop being so quick to assume what she may think of us.

I'm still unsure how I should bring the topic up but I will try and work up the courage maybe next time she mentions it or when we are alone together. 
Will update, thank you all.


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## asylumspadez

I think what she's doing is rather stupid. She stayed in her "unhappy" marriage for her children and now she is leaving her children (one of which isnt even grown up yet) and going back to the UK, where I doubt she will see much of you (and your siblings) any more.

If I were you then I would ask the questions. Why is she so unhappy with her marriage (and life, from what I seem to get from your post). Is she tired of you and your siblings like she is your father. There are a lot of things you can but you have to actually ask them in order to get answers. So ask.

Also leaving your father in the dark about this (while he assumes he has a happy family) is only gonna hurt him more when she does come around to telling him (who knows how long that will take). I would talk with your mom first then (if you are satisfied that she is leaving for good) talk to your dad about this.


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## FirstYearDown

My mother was planning on leaving my father after nearly forty years. He cheated when I was 12 and she only stayed because of her children. 

Turned out that she didn't have the balls to walk away, even though all of her four children are grown. I can't say that I am that surprised; La Maman puts up with everything such as my father not helping around the house AT ALL. 

Even though I always felt that La Maman was not a good match for my father, I was still sad and blindsided by the news. I am nearly 30 years old and it doesn't get any easier when you are an adult. There is comfort in consistency.


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## applelemon

FirstYearDown said:


> Even though I always felt that La Maman was not a good match for my father, I was still sad and blindsided by the news. I am nearly 30 years old and it doesn't get any easier when you are an adult. There is comfort in consistency.


Yes, it is sometimes hard to accept the change. In this case a huge change! 
I feel blindsided about the situation as well, and with the pressure that my mother is putting on me it makes it harder. I don't want to worry but I can't help but worry.
Still waiting for an opportutnity to tell her about my feelings... Don't have the courage to tell her.


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## heartsbeating

Maybe she's been wanting to go back to the UK for years but didn't want to disrupt everyone? If the marriage has been unhappy for a long time and there's not really a chance for it to come together, then they are better off apart.

My parents (finally) split when I was about 16. It was somewhat tough to deal with, with her depression, to see my dad move out of our family home, and then observe him fall into depression too, and go through my teen stuff ...but I knew they'd be better off for it. They loved each other but were completely incompatible. They could never have made it work. They're happier for it now. My father actually remarried and his wife is a really good match for him. Your brother will be fine. You will be fine. My advice would be to be there as much for your father as you are for your mother. From personal experience, my dad doesn't open up much and while he was dealing with it in his own way, I failed to realize how devastating it was for him. I didn't visit him much because I had my own stress of living with her, her depression, hearing about her suicidal thoughts, and felt he was the adult and should have been there for me - not the other way around. I didn't close him out on purpose, I just had enough to deal with and didn't have much room to think about him on top of it all. It was years later that he actually opened up to me and said he needed me around at that time. I told him I was the child dealing with all of this (and some other personal stuff of my own) and as the adult, as my father, he should have been there for me. He didn't know half of what was going on and perhaps that's partly my fault for not telling him, perhaps it's partly his fault for not asking. As an adult now looking back, I see it from his perspective too.

So you're their "child" but you're also an adult now and likely can have a matured outlook on this. Be there for your family the best way you can. In saying that, it's also not your responsibility to pick up any pieces that your mother might leave behind.


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## applelemon

heartsbeating said:


> He didn't know half of what was going on and perhaps that's partly my fault for not telling him, perhaps it's partly his fault for not asking. As an adult now looking back, I see it from his perspective too.
> 
> So you're their "child" but you're also an adult now and likely can have a matured outlook on this. Be there for your family the best way you can. In saying that, it's also not your responsibility to pick up any pieces that your mother might leave behind.


Thanks hearts. Everytime I think about the possibility of my mother leaving my father, it makes me very worried about what will happen to the "family." My father especially, because I think he tends to keep his issues to himself. 

My cousin's father committed suicide when his wife left him. I think it had a lot to do with the loneliness, since my cousin and her only brother left with their mother when they divorced. I plan to stay with my father and brother until I know things are going to be better. My father might be old for a new relationship (Who knows though!) but I hope he will be able to find a new spark in life. His entire life has been only about my mother and the kids. I'll be there to support both my parents. 

I have to admit it makes me frustrated that there will be no "right" in this situation. My mother leaves and my father will be unhappy. My mother stays and my mother will remain unhappy about her life. Dealing with this dilemma later in life as an adult seems just as hard as dealing with it earlier in life as a child, huh. Thankfully though, I have a better view about the dynamics of the family now that I'm an adult. Still don't know what will happen; it will be hard and it will hurt, but I will be okay.


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## heartsbeating

applelemon said:


> I plan to stay with my father and brother until I know things are going to be better. My father might be old for a new relationship (Who knows though!) but I hope he will be able to find a new spark in life. His entire life has been only about my mother and the kids. I'll be there to support both my parents.


Are you still living at home? (there's no judgement attached to this, I'm just asking) .....because while I commend your intention to stay with your father and brother, it's also not your responsibility to do so. If you're already living out of home, then visiting and checking-in, should suffice and let your brother know he can always call on you to hang out, that he has a place to go if needed. Apologies if I have misinterpreted but you don't need to stand-in as your mother. This is her decision to leave. If you knew as a child earlier on that she wasn't happy in the marriage, then no doubt your father will too. Please don't confuse supporting with taking responsibility. That seems the benefit of being the adult with dealing with this - to recognize that you don't need to take ownership/blame/responsibility for someone else's actions, just your own. I hope this makes sense.


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## Lone Star

My parents divorced when I was 27, my older brother was 31 and my younger brother was 20. I can tell you from our stand point it was hard to deal with. I was married and out of the house as well as my older brother was too. My parents never fought in front of us growing up, whatever disagreements they may have had were behind closed doors. One day my dad just left. It tore our family apart. My little brother lived with my mom so he got to see her pain and blamed my dad for it all. I knew my mother had skeletons in her closet but financially she couldn't make it. She had never really worked outside the home. I did all I could financially to help my mom and I suppose that caused me to resent my dad because I was paying for things he should have been paying for. My older brother tried to remain in the middle but he seemed to spend less time with my mom. My little brother barely spoke to my dad anymore other than to curse him out. Things broke down between all of us. It's a long story that I won't go into but I can tell you this. Do all that you can to maintain a relationship with both parents should they divorce. You may naturally feel sorry for one of them more than the other. I tell you this for a reason. Things got a little better between me and my father but then I learned he was terminal with cancer. From the time we found out to the day he died was 2 weeks. Most of that time he was on a ventilor and couldn't speak. Whatever had happened during the divorce of my parents meant nothing in those two weeks. I just wanted my dad to know that I loved him and I desparetely needed to hear him say he loved me. I didn't get what I needed because of the medical situation but I know he loved me but I just needed to hear it from him. With all my rambling I am just telling you I know how the difficult situation you feel but life can leave us far too soon. Deal with your parents divorce as best you can but never stop loving them and I hope that they will always let you know that they love you. {{Hugs}}


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## applelemon

thanks hearts beating and lonestar
I guess I'm being overwhelmed primarily because I feel a need to "take place" for my mother is she leaves; and I know my father and my brother will expect that to some degree as well. Cooking, cleaning, and making sure the house is "okay".

I do live with my parents so it makes it just that much awkward to be knowing this and seeing their interaction together.

I understand what you both say and that I shouldn't have to take responsibility. I am trying hard to not think about the aftermath but it still makes me uncomfortable. But, I suppose that's normal. A divorce is not comfortable.
Thank you for your kind words and helpful advice. I know it's not my responsibility! My "oldest child syndrome" is taking effect I guess.


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## heartsbeating

I agree with other previous posters who suggested you encourage your mother to tell your father ...especially as it seems you're gearing yourself up to "step in" and partly take on aspects of her role. 

Do you find it easy to say no to your mother? I understand that she might value the trust and friendship she has in you, but it seems she's essentially ignoring the loyalty you might have to your father. It seems to me that for your own benefit (as well as theirs), she be encouraged to deal with her issues beyond just telling you. And perhaps you need to decide what role you're comfortable with if this does eventuate. Be there for your family, but you don't need to be responsible.


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