# Swapping has ruined my marriage helppppppp



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

My wifey and I have been discussing swapping. We did it once with a couple and another time she did it with this guy.
Now the 2 nd guy, she is the one who said she wanted to do it with him and even told him so. I encouraged her to do it.
Now she feels guilty, and cheap.
She says the other guy also feels bad and is not interested in doing it again as he feels guilty( he doesnt know that i know).
He doesnt even call her anymore.
She too says she feels guilty. She blames me.
She doesnt want to have sex with me again or even have any form of intimacy. Im a Christian and i know it was wrong. THE dEVIL IS A LIAR.
How do we recover?
She has said its okay if i go have sex with someone else or get a separation.
Her answers to :

Do you want to separate? I dont know
Do you want to remain married? I dont know
Do you want to seek counselling? I dont know
Do you want to pray about it ( and shes a Christian) is go pray by yourself.

So i asked why she is still wearing her wedding rings her answer was " cause im married."

So im confused. Please help. I want to make it work. 
I dont want another woman, even for sex.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I know what I would do. I would tell her, I don't plan to stay in a celibate marriage, so let's split.

It's obvious she is feeling guilty for having had such a good time, and for having all those naughty but delicious thoughts. She is putting it all onto you as a way of diminishing her guilt.

What was your sex life like before you started swapping?


----------



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

our sex life before was poor. maybe once a month or twice a month.
She says that on time sex wasnt even good cause it was too short. I was in the hse when they did it, i was in our room, it was less than 5 minutes. The guy she says was nervous n did it like a rabbit.
She also says he felt guilty n is not interested in doing it again. They dont even talk.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

take the christian thing out of this....has no bearing.

How old are you both? How long together? Any children?


----------



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

i wont take out the Christianity, why should I?
Im a Christian.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

It has nothing to do with Swapping and what has happened in your marriage.

You both made a Concious decision to do this swapping, The Devil had nothing to do with it, take responsibility of your own actions and your wife needs to take responsibility of hers, Using the Devil and Christianity is an excuse, this has to do with free Will.

We can try and help you out, but you need to understand you both drove down this road together, you both need to fix it.

That is what you want right? When your done fixing it, your religion will always be there for you.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Um, yeah, it's the devil's fault...uh huh...

Anyway...pretty stupid thing to do huh...encouraging your wife to have sex with another man...and then wonder why things are bad?

Oh where is that crippled guy in a wheelchair with the genius IQ when you need him to help you figure things out. Maybe call Stevie Wonder too so someone can see what's going on here...

Alas, enough of the irony here...I digress...might just give up now...maybe find a zombie, see if he'll share some brain...

Wait, I guess I should offer some advice...she blames you because you encouraged her to go have sex with the second guy...and I'm sure there are a number of emotions she is dealing with right now, guilt aside...she could be wondering why you would want her to do such a thing...

This probably could be saved if you both worked at it hard enough, she sounds a little depressed...might want to step back, breathe and then sit down and talk about what happened, why and what you want to do about it...either you want to salvage the marriage or you want to give up.

If you want to salvage the marraige, then no more swapping, swinging or cheating...write down what you think needs to happen to save the marriage and then work on doing so...

If you don't want to...then make up and exit plan and end this.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ouch JD...

Anyway Doc, seems like you both had marital issues before the swapping...Some couples try the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. Couples that are trying to "add a spark" usually fail and end up in divorce.

The couples that can handle the lifestyle usually are really open and extremely sexual, which is like daily.

Seems you had issues and this was really a BAD IDEA. Wish you guys had done some research before taking the plunge. Honestly my wife and I thought about it, thought it would be fun, even went to a club, then we decided that was not for us, we didn't want to touch anyone else, so we left and been happy since. It was a unique experience, but our marriage mattered more to us, then a good time.

What can you do to repair it....well sit down with your wife...Tell her how you honestly feel. Tell her you want to work it out, to give it time. You both need to let go of the past and move on. No more swinging, no more threesomes, no individual meetings. Don't cash in on the "I get 1 time with another" thingy.

Tell her you want to work on you BOTH, go on dates, make it romantic, don't discuss the past, tell her it was a bad idea and that you want to reconnect with her, that you love her and truly want to be with just her.

Get some marriage counseling, you both need it. The swinger lifestyle is not for you, and not for 95% of people. 5% can handle it, let them have their fun, but for you, it's just you two and you need to reconnect. It will take time and honesty


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You can't claim to be a devout christian and engage in sex outside your marriage. Why oh why people think this is a good idea I have no clue. Go to councelling on your own. Sounds like you need it or talk to your pastor on your own. At this point you can't make your wife think or do anything. She will deal with what happened on her own. Wether that's to move to resolve these problems and get past it or to seek separation and divorce. Anyone else who is reading this post who wants to engage in this "lifestyle" needs to use this as an example and think twice.


----------



## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

People,

Now repeat this again for I do believe same story 3nd in 6 months.

If you going to swap, DO NOT DO IT locally. This mean no addys, emails, phone numbers etc.

A few drinks chit chat She does you, he does her. Then a few drinks after chit chat bye bye.

#1 rule seems to be broken over and over again.

Why do you think non swinger cruises at 2am can become swinger cruises with married couples.


----------



## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

Oh, 

As a FYI, your relationship alot stronger than many here.

Nobody cheated.


----------



## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I can only add abotu 2 cents.

My wife and I discussed and researched all the swingin, open crap and all that.

At the end I decided if we wanted to do that then the word "marriage" really wouldn't mean much and we should just get devorced but stay together.

She never wants a divorce

We did it 3 times a week befor it came up, we do it every day now.

I think the "I dont know" means give her some time and understanding, but be prepared to accept either awnser.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

docj said:


> i wont take out the Christianity, why should I?
> Im a Christian.


Mmmm...nope. No no no :scratchhead: Why in the hell if you are such a devout Christian would you EVER suggest your wife sleep w/someone OTHER than YOU?!?!?! :scratchhead:

"Thou shall NOT commit adultry"....correct me if I'm wrong. BUT adultry is sleeping with someone OUTSIDE your marriage. Agreed to or not. 

"You shall not covet they neighbor's wife, the girl down the street, the hooker on the corner, the hot piece of a$$ at your office, the girl your wife says it's ok to or otherwise...." (oh and you're wife shouldn't covet any of the above (replaced with the word man of course either)

It never ends well thus you are here....


----------



## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

Do you people even know what swapping is.

Sleeping, there was no sleeping.

His wife: A double of Paris Hilton.

Her Husaband: A Bruce Willis type.

Interlude about 4 hours enjoying each other.

15 yrs ago, never met, heard or know of them again.

Got to love Carnival Cruise lines late night parties.


----------



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Well my wife and him dont talk anymore. But he has invited several people( ncluding her) to a music talent show that he is participating in, in his city out of state 6 hrs away.

Dunno if i should be comfortable with her going.

And for those yelling at me for doing so yet im a Christian i just have one thing ot say. EVEN CHRISTIANS FALL. Doesnt mean that i will never sin cause i am a Christian. I am a Christian not CHRIST. 
I know we did wrong, and im looking for ways to repair my marriage without the lectures on how can i do such a thing if im a Christian. I know i sinned and God does and i have asked for forgiveness.

But i dont know if i should feel comfortable with her going out of state for this takent show that he has invited several several people. She says she isnt interested in him anymore an dthat he isnt interested in her. But what if sparks fly? I dont see any form of communication between them.


----------



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

smgmtman said:


> Do you people even know what swapping is.
> 
> Sleeping, there was no sleeping.
> 
> ...



yes i do. we have done it once before. Thank you.


----------



## LOVETAKESWORK (Mar 9, 2009)

DOCJ, Dear little brother, I appreciate your honesty but from my experience this is not a Christian Website, and you should not expect Christian advice here, I truly believe there are some very dear people posting here, and some good advise given, but not all advise is wise nor healthy, you need to be careful and use some common sence when viewing and certainly applying anything you read here. There are Christian Boards and you should seek them out if you find this type of forum therapeutic. First your wife and you need to make some choices 1. Do you each want this marriage? 2. Are you willing to do what is required for a fulfilling Marriage? 3. Do you want to Our Heavenly Father to intercede in your lives and transform your failing marriage into a glorious marriage? If your answer is yes to these questions, then first put all this nonsense of “swapping” behind you both, recognize that is was wrong and not healthy or beneficial to your marriage, repent and put it behind you. Cut all communications with people you both had contact with for this purpose. Change your telephone numbers, your e-mails, and if you rent move. If you like the church you attend, I highly recommend not sharing this with anyone there, having been a Christian for many years and a part-time pastor I have learned that Christians can be weak and are given to gossip. If your Pastor is very seasoned, and proven himself to be a wise man of God and you truly believe you can trust him and that he is able to minister to you two then yes seek out his help. If not seek out the assistance of a Christian counselor for you two. You both need to get to the bottom of what caused this desire to seek partners outside your marriage covenant. Our Lord is able to do all things, I have seen him transform couples on the brink of divorce to the most loving couples, my dear wife and I are testimony to this as we went through very hard times and almost divorces many years ago, and the Lord didn’t just save us from divorce, but gave us new love, a new marriage, and a new life beyond belief. What did it take on my wife and my part? A choice to trust the Lord, patience to see His promises realized, a great deal of time and relationship work. I recommend each of you seeking out a mentor each within your church or group of Christian friends ideally an proven elder would be best one that has a good reputation for wisdom, love, and integrity. I want to close with a scripture verse that has changed my life: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” I am sure you know this verse, it is the love verse and recited at many weddings, it is found in I Corinthians 13 Verses 4-8. This is the kind of love we need to give and it is the best love to receive. It takes our Lord to transform our hearts so that they can love like this.  I challenge your wife and you to pursue this kind of love as it is the key to true happiness not just for your marriage but all relationships in your life. Please do not hesitate to private message me for further counsel and assistance. Praying for your success! Love In Christ LoveTakesWork (a/k/a a sinner on the journey we call life fully dependent on God’s Love and Support)


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can find decent advice here. But I agree, it is not a Christian website.

That said, you can find it within yourself to act decently to each other going forward. But you need intervention by professionals.

I recommend that you seek counseling for your marriage. Both you and your wife.

It could be christian-based. But it doesn't have to be.

It is kind of simplistic of you to blame your troubles on the devil.

Reflect on your behavior, your wife's behavior, read up on marriage. Remember your vows.

Seek professional marriage counseling. You two need it.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:slap:


----------



## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

I dunno did not ruin our relationship, and when home did not pursue it again quite happy couple here.

That was eon's ago.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

smgmtman said:


> I dunno did not ruin our relationship, and when home did not pursue it again quite happy couple here.
> 
> That was eon's ago.


WTF did you just say?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Ok im sure some people enjoy swapping partners ... you have learnt it so very easily can destroy every thing you had !! 
I cant imagin making love/sex with anyone else apart from my husband .
you have made a choice now you need to know if you can fix it or even if you want to!! does she ? TALK to her


----------



## aj420 (Jun 24, 2009)

Well, obviously you two had some issues before deciding to swap. Swapping to add some excitement usually doesn't work. It definitely won't help a broken marriage. I think that it can only make things worse in that situation. 

I had a swapping experience you could say. It was more like a threesome. It was with my ex that I was with before I got married. We were not married. We were together for 3 1/2 yrs. We had a very sex based relationship and we were always into to trying new things. I think the alcohol use probably aided in our choice to experiment. We had talked about things for a while before we decided to go through with it. We set limitations on what we were both comfortable with. His friend was over drinking one night and we decided to make it happen. I seduced his friend and took him to our bedroom and my ex came in to watch and join in. There was no touching between the guys. Just me with the both of them.

I must say it was a fun experience. We did it a couple more times with that friend and a couple of times with a different friend of his. I wasn't _in love_ with my ex so it didn't effect me that bad emotionally, but it did make me wonder why he would want me to be with another man. How could he really say that he loved me if he wanted to see be get banged by another dude? Like I said, we did have a relationship based on sex, but of course you start to love someone when you have lived with them for 3 yrs. 

I think that if you don't have intense love and are in love with the person your with then it is easier to be with other people sexually. It's just sex. Now I'm married to a wonderful man and I could never imagine doing the things I used to do with him. Almost every time we have sex we make love. It's intense emotion that is expressed through us during sex. It is amazing. I guess because we are so in love. I never had that with my ex maybe one time in our whole 3 1/2 yrs together, every other time it was just sex. I think when you have the passion, emotion, love, and connection in the equation it makes it pretty impossible to want to be with anyone else. There is no need to because you already have all that you could ask for and more.

So basically I think it can be a good experience unless you have a intensely passionate and romantic relationship with someone. Being married and swinging is one I don't quite understand because I wouldn't marry someone unless I have this connection I've been talking about and I only want to be with that person and no one else. Isn't that what marriage is, committing yourself to one person that you want to spend your life with. If you don't want the ultimate commitment then don't get married. People have great relationships without being married.

Well I hope that you and your wife figure out what is best for the both of you. It sounds like you love each other but have lost your way on your journey together. Try councling. See if it helps. If not move on.

Wish the best to you

AJ


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

docj said:


> Well my wife and him dont talk anymore. But he has invited several people( ncluding her) to a music talent show that he is participating in, in his city out of state 6 hrs away.
> 
> Dunno if i should be comfortable with her going.
> 
> ...


I apologise for hurting your feelings. I don't mean you aren't Christian or never could be, I'm not trying to take it away from you. Yes we're all sinners. One of the basic facts in accepting Christ is accepting the fact that we ARE sinners. Again let me apologise for questioning your faith.

Although we do all sin, yes remove it from the situation. It really doesn't matter on this board truely. Your sins and how you've repented for them are between you and your God. 

As far as you and your wife are concerned, religion aside, do get some counseling, if you're more comfortable going to a Christian counselor do so. If it doesn't make here nor there to you then do some research and find someone highly recommended and go from there. Counseling highly recommended or not is about comfort too. You must feel comfortable w/your counselor in order for it to work. But do get some. I can tell you love your wife and want w/all your heart to fix it. Please don't feel attacked I'm sorry if I'm one of those whom placed those feelings on you. 

Hope you're well.
Rhea


----------



## blueman77us (Sep 17, 2010)

Hi there,

Just came across your page, "Swapping has ruined my marriage"
I just want you to know that there is still hope in your marriage,just like other sin it can be forgiven...dont let the enemy to use condemnation to ruin you two.

Start all over again, i know this is not easy but we have the Holy Spirit who is our helper, who can lead you into the right track.
Forgive each other and forgive yourselves.
Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

God loves you still the same.

Pastor Angel






docj said:


> My wifey and I have been discussing swapping. We did it once with a couple and another time she did it with this guy.
> Now the 2 nd guy, she is the one who said she wanted to do it with him and even told him so. I encouraged her to do it.
> Now she feels guilty, and cheap.
> She says the other guy also feels bad and is not interested in doing it again as he feels guilty( he doesnt know that i know).
> ...


----------



## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

docj said:


> i wont take out the Christianity, why should I?
> Im a Christian.


 Ok, as a Christian you know marriage can not be sexless. 
A sexless marriage is no marriage at all.
Also a Christian does not swap....ever under any cicumstances.

Also, you should get counceling from a church of your following.
You are a very confused man.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is a dead thread. Since 2010.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

My husband and I have done some same-room, sex club swinging but not enough to call us swingers or say we're in the "lifestyle". We have been married over twenty years, are both very sexual and talked in depth over and over and over again (for years!) before we did anything. I was on board, in fact I did the research where to go, etc. We have not done anything with friends, don't try to make friends with the people we're met and we don't give any real, personal information. We also communicate before, during and after each experience.

The times we've gone out, it is quite obvious that a large number of the women there are not into it and are there trying to keep/please their husbands. Very forced. We avoid those people because there is nothing sexy about seeing an unhappy, unwilling woman being pressured to have sex. That is shameful! OP, did you push your wife at all into the experience? Be honest with yourself. Also, the people who go into it looking for friends usually end up with significant drama. 

Overall, we have found the experience to be mediocre at best and realize that the greatest sex happens at home. But, the way we handled it, at least for us, removed any shame or confusion...and mystery. And we did it together, never, ever separate. 

I think with counseling and honest, open communication you can work through this.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> This is a dead thread. Since 2010.


Oh shoot. I need to check dates before I post on threads. Between that and troll threads, I seem to waste a lot of time typing.


----------

