# Husband supporting his friend's cheating



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband of nearly 15 years had an EA with a neighbor that I confronted him about 18 months ago. We did the usual rounds of fog-babble and trickle-truth, but eventually I thought we were in a somewhat stable and real recovery with no contact established. So, there's some history of hiding things and being dishonest on H's part. 

But this latest thing has really got me stumped. Thanks to the spyware I slapped on H's phone during the last round of trickle truth, I've read several text messages between H and a male friend we'll call G. The texts strongly indicate that H has offered our house as a place for G to have sex with his AP. When we're not home, of course. I haven't found out who the AP is in this scenario, but G is someone who we see socially often and who frequently visits our home - often with his wife and young children. So, basically, my husband isn't just condoning his buddy's cheating - _he's actually providing the room_. 

Inviting someone to use our home as a fvck pad just feels so disrespectful of me, our home, our family, and our marriage in general. I just feel like this is yet another betrayal. Not to mention how disrespecful this whole situation is to G's wife and family. And then there's the lies, hiding things, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" thinking that my husband has obviously resumed. 

I'm not sure whether or not G and his AP have actually had sex in our house at this point, just that the offer apparently stands and that H updates G on our schedules in an attempt to avoid me stumbling on the couple who would like to be shagging in my guest suite. I have also found no evidence of H having resumed contact with his OW or with any other OW. But is this obvious support of infidelity just proof that we're in another false recovery? Am I spinning my wheels trying to put back together a marriage with someone who's this supportive of his cheating friend? Sometimes he seems so genuine in his remorse and desire to repair our marriage, but then there's this going on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That would bother me. Obviously your husband has no respect for marriage.

Birds of a feather, and all that...


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Ugh; gross and creepy.

Advice will probably vary here on whether to confront. I have to tell you that it would be nigh impossible for me to let this go just for the idea of someone violating the sancity of my home, let alone the implications of his wandering days or supporting his friend. 

This is a genuinely crappy situation you find yourself in. My condolences.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I wonder if the charity is mutual


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My thoughts exactly. Hey, I use your place, you use mine...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So he has given access to his home to a know cheater. WTF? This is wrong on so many levels. 

It does not even seem like a safe thing for him to do.
He has involved you in this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I'm a brand new poster, but have been reading here for several months and have found the forums here very helpful. I have just been so gobsmacked by this situation that I felt I needed some feedback from someone other than my obviously suspicious self. So, I appreciate it a lot!

So, the consensus seems to be that this is as wrong and creepy as I think it is. Fabulous. And yes, I do realize that he's involved me in this very sordid situation, and that fact really makes me very mad. 

Now what do I do about it?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have no idea.

What can you do? I would be grossed out and wonder if and when they'd be doing it in my home. YOUR HOME!  so sick. 

What can you do other than confront...I mean, so what if you were looking in his phone. He cheated before! you were suspicious and saw what it was.

Then lay down the law about this. If he doesn't like it, maybe his buddy has a couch for him to sleep on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Does all the info you have about this affair come from the keylogger?

I`m assuming your H is unaware of the keylogger.

If my two assumptions above are correct there isn`t a lot you can do overtly without outing your surveillance systems.
Systems you obviously need in place if your H still has this mentality.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Tell G's wife. You'd want her to tell you...wouldn't you?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Tell G's wife. You'd want her to tell you...wouldn't you?


You can`t just tell her, she`s going to NEED some evidence or it`ll be very ugly for the OP.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Does all the info you have about this affair come from the keylogger?
> 
> I`m assuming your H is unaware of the keylogger.
> 
> ...


Yes, all the information I have about this comes from the spyware I have on his cell phone. I have no access to his work computer and he doesn't use the computer here at home, but I have a keyloger on it just in case. He doesn't know about the spyware, but does know that I sometimes look at his phone. He doesn't hide the phone and is okay with me looking at it from time to time. He simply deletes any texts that he doesn't want me to see, assuming that I won't know the difference. And I wouldn't if it weren't for the spyware.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Yes, all the information I have about this comes from the spyware I have on his cell phone. I have no access to his work computer and he doesn't use the computer here at home, but I have a keyloger on it just in case. He doesn't know about the spyware, but does know that I sometimes look at his phone. He doesn't hide the phone and is okay with me looking at it from time to time. He simply deletes any texts that he doesn't want me to see, assuming that I won't know the difference. And I wouldn't if it weren't for the spyware.


The only way you can confront him or expose to the BW is if you can make him think you found info about it somewhere else besides the spyware.

I don`t believe this is worth blowing your spyware over especially since he seems more than OK with supporting his unfaithful friend.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Abetting someone else in infidelity, deleting texts he doesn't want you to see. This man has some serious boundary issues. Sounds to me like you are not in recovery at all. May be time to re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with someone of his moral fiber.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

humanbecoming said:


> Hmm....
> 
> How funny would it be to let them have their tryst, and call the cops about a break in at your house where you know they are there?
> 
> Ok, my sick mind at work, but I imagine that the excitement of the affair would quickly dwindle with having to explain THAT to his wife!


I have the same mind. I was going to suggest this very thing. I think she has every right to do this.

I would for sure. Hopefully they don't catch her huband having a threesome with them.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rowan said:


> My husband of nearly 15 years had an EA with a neighbor that I confronted him about 18 months ago. We did the usual rounds of fog-babble and trickle-truth, but eventually I thought we were in a somewhat stable and real recovery with no contact established. So, there's some history of hiding things and being dishonest on H's part.
> 
> But this latest thing has really got me stumped. Thanks to the spyware I slapped on H's phone during the last round of trickle truth, I've read several text messages between H and a male friend we'll call G. The texts strongly indicate that H has offered our house as a place for G to have sex with his AP. When we're not home, of course. I haven't found out who the AP is in this scenario, but G is someone who we see socially often and who frequently visits our home - often with his wife and young children. So, basically, my husband isn't just condoning his buddy's cheating - _he's actually providing the room_.
> 
> ...


Holy f*ck, that's bad! I think I'd be blowing it open, if I were you...Wow.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just send anonymous info. to G's wife---that her H., is/is about to cheat---tell her you can't give her concrete evidence---but you can give her the warning signs, if his lifestyle, and activities change, he starts staying out---you know the drill,---If nothing else it will put her on guard----and then the last poster said it very well, try to find out when they are gonna be in your house, and have the police drive by, you can claim someone broke into your home

What you do with your H., is up to you, you know for sure he condones cheating---he cheats, and he helps others to cheat-------what he needs is a harsh awakening!!!!!!!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just keep up your surveillance, and when you know there's going to be a tryst, out it the next day; say a neighbor saw 2 people going into your house. This is total bullsh!t. And ya, I'd wonder too, if it's a case of you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Pigs!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you can pin down when/where they are hooking up, arrange for his wife to discover them. You shoud bring along a baseball bat to hand her spthe right moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When the house is "empty" are you with your husband? I only ask because what if he is using some kind of code, like, hey G my house will be empty tonight, no one will be there, while he is contacting the OW (Where G is the OW). Sorry but my mind is so suspicious. 

Do you have money? IF your H is truely "helping his friend", Hire a bunch of actors to crash the house while they are in the midst of their love making. Make sure they have video recorders.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is totally wrong and creepy. I would copy these messages and give it to G's wife. I am sure if the roles were reversed you would want G's wife to show them to you. By the way, it is clear that your husband has learned nothing. He still is a slime bag.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

My personal belief is by his condoning and supporting his friends affair he is showing that he still believes that A's are not wrong. This to me would be a deal breaker for R, how could you expect him to stay faithful to you when he thinks its okay to have affairs? Me I would blow it wide open, my initial reaction, realistically I would contact the friends wife and give her all the information about her H from the view of the OW's friend. Saying he has a male friend supporting him and offering him their house. That way you can give all the information you have without fear or repercussions. Get a throwaway phone to send the message and or texts, hell send some to yourself so you can confront your H about it, preferably in MC. 

Good luck, R is hard enough without this added to the mix.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

always_hopefull said:


> My personal belief is by his condoning and supporting his friends affair he is showing that he still believes that A's are not wrong. This to me would be a deal breaker for R, how could you expect him to stay faithful to you when he things its okay to have affairs? Me I would blow it wide open, my initial reaction, realisticaly I would contact the friends wife and give her all the information about her H from the view of the OW's friend. Saying he has a male friend supporting him and offering him their house. That way you can give all the information you have without fear or repercussions. Get a throwaway phone to send the message and or texts, hell send some to yourself so you can confront your H about it, preferably in MC.
> 
> Good luck, R is hard enough without this added to the mix.


This, exactly. I would never be with someone who condoned cheating, that is incredibly wrong and how could you ever trust him?

Who cares if you blow your spyware's cover on this? Divorce his arse before he cheats on you again (if he isn't already) and let his friend's wife know that if the friend isn't already sleeping around, he sure wants to be.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. I agree. When I really think about this, I would be shocked at my partner. This would probably be a deal breaker for me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The more I think about this, coupled with the other stuff that's gone on surrounding and since his EA (I have no proof it went to PA, though they had ample time and opportunity and H has always been highly sexually charged), the more I think this might, in fact, be the final blow for me. The fact that I was only mildly surprised to discover this was happening tells me that my marriage is already in a very, very, bad place. 

And to think I thought H was making more of an effort to connect by asking me to meet him for long lunches after my half-day of work on Friday. It turns out that G is also off work on Friday afternoons and that's when he's meeting his AP for trysts. From the messages I've read, they're currently trysting in the car while parked in the woods, and apparently once in his grandparent's hayloft. 

This is a rural area, a very small town, and our house is out a good distance from town. There are no neighbors with a view of our house unless they've come down our driveway. Same goes for the cops "driving by". So, there is no opportunity to have someone else see G and his friend accidentally, no chance anyone would think there was a break-in. Nope, if I blow this open, all the information will be obviously from my snooping. 

I am considering a discreet nanny-cam in my guest room. If I'm going to send this news to G's wife, I'd like to have concrete proof so I don't come across as crazy-stalker gal or H's bitter wife who's just spreading rumors to cause trouble. 

I also need a few days to set up some things for myself, since exposing this will most likely be a marriage-ender for H and I. Isn't it sad that at this point, I'm not even really all that upset?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I think you should share the information you have, but I don't see that you need to make a big production of it. It's up to the other wife to do what she wants with that information. If nothing else, it should put her on alert for other red flags. It's not up to you to prove anything.

Then worry about your own backyard. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

definitely a false R

he still thinks cheating is justified and acceptable, even if he isn't doing it himself. If he isn't still cheating it's because he feels he can't get away with it and not because he has remorse.

I would see your lawyer


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If anything, OP, you should also consider the fact that he is offering the use of YOUR home, both his and yours, without your permission.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

They may not be using the guest room.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> If anything, OP, you should also consider the fact that he is offering the use of YOUR home, both his and yours, without your permission.


Well, he's always had a bit of a habit of inviting people over or otherwise making plans without consulting me first. Sometimes I find out we're having company when the guests actually show up. I don't think he needs my "permission" to have guests over, but some consideration for me in who and when he invites people into our home would be nice. It's an issue that has been an ongoing problem throughout our marriage and that I thought we'd been working on of late. Guess not. 




Entropy3000 said:


> They may not be using the guest room.


True. Ick.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Can't you get someone to drop in to your house while you know they're trysting??? Or....boobytrap the house, somehow....let them 'catch' themselves!


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Rowan said:


> The more I think about this, coupled with the other stuff that's gone on surrounding and since his EA (I have no proof it went to PA, though they had ample time and opportunity and H has always been highly sexually charged), the more I think this might, in fact, be the final blow for me. The fact that I was only mildly surprised to discover this was happening tells me that my marriage is already in a very, very, bad place.
> 
> And to think I thought H was making more of an effort to connect by asking me to meet him for long lunches after my half-day of work on Friday. It turns out that G is also off work on Friday afternoons and that's when he's meeting his AP for trysts. From the messages I've read, they're currently trysting in the car while parked in the woods, and apparently once in his grandparent's hayloft.
> 
> ...


I think by exposing G to his wife is the right thing to do, she has a right to know.

I agree, if your husband sees no problem with his friend cheating on his wife, this speaks volumes of his morals, he WILL cheat again, and his friend will "help" him "get away with it". That is why he is so eager to help G in my opinion.

He doesn't respect you, your house, or your marriage, you deserve better and so does his friends wife. 

Good luck, and be careful


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You could present it to the wife, and have her go over and catch her husband herself....he really wouldnt' be able to get out if it, and at that point, the focus would probably be on them and not on you.

And as stated above, your husband still doesn't see anything wrong with cheating...keep us posted.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is bringing up some really bad memories. 12 years ago, my W's friend told my W she was cheating on her H. This girl made her H out to be a total monster, and before revealing her secret, made my W promise not to tell anyone. My W told me, and we stayed out of it for years, figuring they were on their way to D anyway.

Then later, my W and this girl had a falling out, to the point they never speak. And the girl and her H have since moved out of state, but we still know she is in this A with an OM, and has been for at least 10 years. And they're still married, we think.

Now, we didn't cover for her, nor did we know her H (met him once), but thinking back on it, we really should have said something to him, or at least got her out of our lives much sooner.

I relay this story because while I think it can be easy to stay out of someone's business by not ratting on the cheater, I could NEVER imagine actually ARRANGING the cheating. It's so disrespectful, and immoral. I can see why you are thinking this might be the last straw for you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I am going tomorrow to set up a separate bank account for myself that I will start depositing my paychecks into. I will need to ask for a raise at work sometime soon. My boss and H are friends, so actually I may need to start looking for a new job. The attorney I consulted after our second D-day simply requires a retainer check to get going on a separation/divorce. 

For right now, I'm still monitoring H's cell phone while I compile all the texts that are relevant into a single document that I can print out to send G's wife. You know, separating the texted high-fives on G's "bagin' that smokin' hot p*ssy" (if you'll forgive the direct quote), from the texts from our son about the A he just got on his math quiz. Stuff like that. 

Have you ever just stopped and really looked at your life and just been....appalled?


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Rowan, your life, as you see it now, may be appalling, but you didn't make it that way. You know the right thing to do here.


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