# OM coming to town! What to do?



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Quick recap...
My wife had an affair with a man she knew from high school. It was EA/PA the back to EA. After I discovered it she has adhered to a NC. Here's the problem...

During their EA she made it clear that the PA was over but he was constantly ignoring boundaries to try to get the PA back on track. During that time he arranged a 'guy's trip' with a 2 day stopover near us. My wife claims they were just going to have lunches and talk etc. I think he had other plans, but that is neither here no there.

After the NC call was made we assumed he would be rearranging his travel to get rid of the stopover. Today we found out (because I'm a suspicious sort) that his trip is still on with the stopover. We (wife and I) are both concerned that he is still in the fog and thinking he is going to show up at her office and sweep her off her feet and back into his life and bed.

She has assured me that if he attempts any contact she will let me know immediately and tell him to please go away. 

Since she has admitted that she is having trouble letting go and is still sad about the end of the EA and missing him, I am getting stressed about this and not sure what to do. Suggestions?


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Tread lightly my friend. This is going to be hard, but you decided to stay with her so you're gonna be going to go through this every time he shows up in town.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If she is afraid of the temptation, perhaps she needs to call in sick that day. Heck, maybe you need to also call in sick that day just to be on the safe side. Or, do what some folks I know did this week. They knew some pain in the butt relatives would most likely be heading to their place for a weekend stay. It happens like clockwork every year, so this couple booked a vacation this week. They are now enjoying themselves out of town. Therefore, maybe you and your wife need to think along those lines around the time the OM plans to arrive.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

I'm assuming you know when the stop over will occur, and how long it will be for.

Go on a short vacation with WW to some other place. Maybe go to one of your parents places. Just get out of town.

Write a better NC letter. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that she will never see, talk, chat, phone, FB him again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Cypress said:


> I'm assuming you know when the stop over will occur, and how long it will be for.
> 
> Go on a short vacation with WW to some other place. Maybe go to one of your parents places. Just get out of town.
> 
> Write a better NC letter. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that she will never see, talk, chat, phone, FB him again.


I agree. Do both!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Her telling you of it is a plus. And maybe her wish for you to make a decision to protect her from herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

So... is he going to go on vacation every time this guy shows up? This is not a viable option guys. I'm telling you, you're gonna have to deal with this every time he shows up- PLAIN AND SIMPLE.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not forever, just now when she is weak.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Time to take two days leave(both of you) to make sure. Find his hotel, flight arrangements etc.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I agree a trip out of town would be best during this time, especially with your wife feeling so weak. Seeing the OM, even if she thinks she's strong enough to resist, may be just too much this early after NC. Her reaction to taking time off and leaving might be enlightening too. If she's resistant it might be a sign she's holding back and not throwing herself into R. 

If going out of town is out of budget, just take those days off and spend some fun times together. Go on lunch dates, visit a museum, see a movie, or go for a day hike. So many options. Most importantly, focus on each other and reaffirm why you're both choosing to stay together.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If he calls her, make sure you are there and listening in. Don't let her out of your sight while he's in town-he fully expects her to go underground for a booty call.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't agree with any of this. This guy is still waging a full out war on your family. A boundary of yours that should never ever be crossed.

This is simple. Call him up. Get all up in his face. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he will never ever be seeing your wife again. You will make certain of that. Just be strong enough that you don't feel the need to get physical...or you'll end up in jail or something stupid like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I wouldn't run away or go on vacation; I agree with ahhhmaaan, you have to deal with this, and do it now because it will happen in the future, too.

Do you know for sure he's not been 'invited' to keep his plans...?

I'd reinforce/remind the NC rule with wife... then leave it up to her as to what she would like done. Assuming she says she will handle it and kindly tell him to please go away if he contacts her, I'd give her the opportunity to do the right thing, but just like checking her cellphone,email,computer, chat I'd call in sick and literally follow wife to/at/from work. It wouldn't necessarily be her fault if the OM came and showed up at work, unless she invited him - but it would surely be her fault if he spent more than a minute with her, and certainly if she left work with him. The doubting would otherwise stress me, and the confirmation that no contact happened would soothe me.

Or hire a PI for the day. Here's the first true test of her re-commitment.

I'd also be having lengthy conversations about whether she's truly letting go.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This will send a powerful message to the OM. The OM is having a hard time with accepting the NC request. He needs to see and feel this women really wants no contact. It will only take a couple of times and he really will get the message. Furthermore, it will provide great time for OP and his wife to work on their relationship. This idea works on the problem from two different angles.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

with all the tough lovers here.

this would really test my faith as per non-violence. remember, i'm not "perfected" yet.

i'd tell W he needs to hear it from u & believe it, that its over.

if shes not convincing, then tell her its up to u, and violence 
may ensue if he doesnt "get the msg".

so we'd see how convincing she can be, or how much she cares
about me/him/her/whatever.

i'd also consider many offshoots/possiblities of whats really
going on, as some gals love drama, love complications etc.

u wouldnt believe the stories i've read/seen/heard in my time.
so dont be fooled/surprised/caught unawares all because u 
refused to "think about it" (all).


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. Going out of town for those two days isn't an option for me for a few reasons. Some work related and some just me not willing to live in fear of this a-hole showing up in our lives.

I have considered calling him but wife wants to wait. He does have some business interests in the area so it's possible he could have not changed his flights because of that.

I have thought about just going to the airport and following him to see what he does. I have a few different scenarios in mind. One where I just sidle up to him at baggage claim and ask him why he's there. 

I don't have any intentions towards violence, so not concerned about going to jail. 

Anyway, have another 10 days to plan, just need to figure out if I just let the W handle this or if I step in. 

The thing that sucks is we are doing well on our efforts towards R and it would be a lot easier if this guy would stop throwing his shadow over our lives. Sigh.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he married? If so, I sure hope you've already told his wife of all that went on.

And get on the phone today and call him yourself and let him know that if he comes anywhere near your wife - and you WILL be watching - he'll have a restraining order slapped in his hand before he can get back in his car.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

It's a shame this guy still has some control over your wife and your life, to some extent. If she was serious about reconciliation, then I would count this as a test. If she failed, it's over. Simple as that. If she perserveres, then there is a some hope yet.

If I was having to put forth any extra ounce of effort (to include a mini vacation, time off day, etc etc) to keep my wife from seeing her "boyfriend", it would be over. I refuse to stress myself out with that kind of garbage. She's either with me or without me. I will not compete with anyone ever again over my wife. If she had a doubt about whether or not she could lose control and cheat on me again, SAYONARA!!!

It urkes me that you are having to deal with this because it sounds as if your wife isn't giving you 100%. Which you deserve and should expect.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> ...I have considered calling him but wife wants to wait.


Sorry, but what SHE wants pertaining to the OM in any way is simply of ZERO concern whatsoever here. Only your opinion matters on this subject.

WHY does she 'want to wait'...?? Red flag.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> During that time he arranged a 'guy's trip' with a 2 day stopover near us. *My wife claims they were just going to have lunches and talk etc*. I think he had other plans, _but that is neither here no there._


Um, yes. That IS here AND there. WHY in the world was yoru wife planning on meeting him at all???? HELLO??? No contact is no contact. I don't buy the "lunch" story.



StrugglingMan said:


> I have thought about just going to the airport and following him to see what he does.


Do not do this. He can file a police report against you that you're stalking him and/or harassing him.

Don't bite. Don't give him power.

Your wife needs to have ZERO contact with him. How did she even find out about the trip and make plans for lunch? She needs to be totally honest with you re: this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

2xloser said:


> Sorry, but what SHE wants pertaining to the OM in any way is simply of ZERO concern whatsoever here. Only your opinion matters on this subject.
> 
> WHY does she 'want to wait'...?? Red flag.


BIG RED FLAG.

Who's running the show at your house - the cheater or the victim?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A difficult situation no doubt about it. Yes, it is a red flag as it seems your WW is or wants to protect him for some reason. While I know it won't accomplish that much because this OM is a scumbag who will attempt to fish, I would call him if for no other purpose than to serve him notice that you are fully aware of what his plans are and that you are a man who is protecting his marriage.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@ Jellybeans - Her intent to meet him for lunch was from before I discovered the A. Now that she has agreed to no contact she has no intention of seeing him and was quite shocked to learn that he had not changed his trip plan to take the stopover out.

@ - those questioning her 'i want to wait' - He has some business interests in the area so he may be coming for that. She is concerned about either of us opening up contact w/him again. She doesn't think he is coming to see her so doesn't want to open the door to him again by reestablishing contact. 

@- Turnera - I am running the show, but I am willing to discuss with her. She has assured me repeatedly that she will have no contact and that if he tries to see her she will turn him away and inform me immediately.

We have discussed a restraining order, but unless he actually does show up then there's nothing to restrain. Our NC was verbal, not written so no paper trail to work with the police on. I had not been to this site at the time of my discovery so I made some early mistakes that I am now stuck with.

One such mistake is that I haven't spoken with OM's wife. I promised my wife that I would let him tell her and get into counseling, which he said he would do. Because I am trying to stick to my word I haven't done anything and we have no idea if he told her or got into MC. However, I did let him know that if he attempted to contact her again my first call was to his wife. So I may be able to let her know within the next week.

I know I should tell her and that I am doing her a disservice by not. Feel free to beat up on me about it, it can't be any worse than what I've done to myself these past few weeks. But I have been all over my wife about her lying, cheating and dishonesty. Since I gave her my word that i wouldn't, I'd feel like a complete hypocrite if I did. 

I know that meeting him at the airport would be a huge risk in a lot of ways. I don't honestly know how I'd behave if I saw him. I have managed to work through a lot of my rage, but given the circumstances I don't know that I wouldn't take a shot (physical punch, not a gun just for clarificaton) at him if I were in the same room with him. 

It sounds like the best course of action is to call him, let him know we know his travel plans and warn him not to attempt contact.

I am sorry if my unwillingness to break my promise has offended any of you. As a BS, I would absolutely want to know about it and keeping my word is tearing me up. But if I don't hold myself to the highest standard in keeping my word than how can I expect her to. Does that make any sense?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> I am sorry if my unwillingness to break my promise has offended any of you. As a BS, I would absolutely want to know about it and keeping my word is tearing me up. But if I don't hold myself to the highest standard in keeping my word than how can I expect her to. Does that make any sense?


It doesn't offend anyone.
People are pointing out that if she does not want you to tell his wife, then she is protecting him. Why is she protecting him? If she views him as a threat to your marriage and a predator she would not want to protect him. It speaks volumes about her committedness to you and your marriage. This is what's being pointed out to you. She manipulated you using your sense of morality which neither she nor her affair partner possess. You can either have your marriage or your standards intact. Take your pick.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> It sounds like the best course of action is to call him, let him know we know his travel plans and warn him not to attempt contact.


Thats kind of letting in know you're on to him a little early and he might change his plans accordingly to one you don't know about. It would probably be better if the call was made after he landed.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I understand that. I do. Part of the reason I am struggling with it is her grieving for the loss of the relationship. She doesn't want him back, but she does feel protective of him because she cares about him. The other piece of the puzzle is that she is concerned that if his marriage implodes that he will just pursue her more strongly since he no longer has that secret to protect. 

I am going to talk with my IC and MC about it and see if I'm being naive and blind in trying to keep my word.

Thanks for the input.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SM, yes, that makes sense to me. I'm going through similar issues. I think you are doing the right thing. The test should be on her, not you. She fails, then you bail. Don't be the one mucking it up.

After writing my WW a letter yesterday finalizing my feelings about trust, lies, and the OM, I realized it really doesn't do any good. It felt good to say all those things, but beating up the OM, physically or in writing, does nothing. If anything, the WW might get defensive about it. 

She knows the rules. If she breaks them, it's not your fault at this point.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hicks said:


> It doesn't offend anyone.
> People are pointing out that if she does not want you to tell his wife, then she is protecting him. Why is she protecting him? If she views him as a threat to your marriage and a predator she would not want to protect him. It speaks volumes about her committedness to you and your marriage. This is what's being pointed out to you. She manipulated you using your sense of morality which neither she nor her affair partner possess. You can either have your marriage or your standards intact. Take your pick.


That is a very good point. She SHOULD be throwing him under the bus if she is committed to you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I posted too soon - I see your WW is defensive about him. So is mine. Because they were friends for so long and the EA was very recent, she still has a care for him in a friendship way. Plus, she was the "predator", and started the EA with him. He was being a friend and didn't cross the line until she did. So in our case, everything really should be about her, a lesson I have learned.

In your case, the guy may or may not be purposefully crossing a boundary with this trip. He booked it a long time ago, and probably figures even though the A is over, he has other sh*t to do. And it's a pain to cancel travel plans. So let this be a test for your wife. I wish you all the best of luck. I hope she passes the test.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Lord - He hooked her pretty well with his tale of woe and that is why she wants to protect him. Kids w/medical issues that put massive strain on marriage, separate bedrooms, other issues, so she doesn't want their A to be the nail in the coffin. 

I think she views herself as Debra Winger to his John Lithgow in "Terms of Endearment". 

Personally, I believe he is a player, but I have no proof.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Gabriel - From what I understand, their EA became very deep before they went to PA so I don't know if there is a 'predator' in the scenario. They believed they were in love. 

I hope she passes too. I'd hate to have made all this progress and still have to go through with a D.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Got it. My WW's EA was deep also, but no PA. They made the conscious decision to not go PA due to the fact she was married. How noble, right? The way she tells me you'd think she wanted a freaking medal. But it does help that they did refrain. If they went to PA I don't think I could ever get over it. At least our sex isn't laced with mind movies. Physical intimacy is still good between us - and that wouldn't ever be the case again if she had a PA, I don't think. But that's just me.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Read this thread 3x in the last couple days and tried to think through what I would do, or what the best advice would be. Trying obviously to avoid my natural/instinctive reactions and focus on being the "bigger" person...

Ur wife says she told him clearly to stay away?, you feel he will likely disregard her request and he has no respect for you or the consequences of openly persueing another mans wife... 

Dude, I suck. I'm sorry. I'm gonna growl, snap and show my teeth to this clown. Even if my intention was to avoid any physical confrontation Im still a puffed up porcupine and he will be clear if he chooses to get closer there are consequences... 

Ignore me, That reply was just an outburst from my dormant caveman DNA. So much for evolution.

lol.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Got it. My WW's EA was deep also, but no PA. They made the conscious decision to not go PA due to the fact she was married. How noble, right? The way she tells me you'd think she wanted a freaking medal. But it does help that they did refrain. If they went to PA I don't think I could ever get over it. At least our sex isn't laced with mind movies. Physical intimacy is still good between us - and that wouldn't ever be the case again if she had a PA, I don't think. But that's just me.


That's not just you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> One such mistake is that I haven't spoken with OM's wife. I promised my wife that I would let him tell her and get into counseling, which he said he would do. Because I am trying to stick to my word I haven't done anything and we have no idea if he told her or got into MC. However, I did let him know that if he attempted to contact her again my first call was to his wife. So I may be able to let her know within the next week.
> 
> I know I should tell her and that I am doing her a disservice by not. Feel free to beat up on me about it, it can't be any worse than what I've done to myself these past few weeks. But I have been all over my wife about her lying, cheating and dishonesty. Since I gave her my word that i wouldn't, I'd feel like a complete hypocrite if I did.


Understandable. But please understand also that if you do not carry OUT your promise to tell his wife if he contacts yours, you're harming your marriage and theirs. At that point, do NOT let your wife cry her way into you relenting. Please.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> They believed they were in love.


Then you are doubly in trouble, because you don't just 'give up' your one true love just because you got caught. Ask a friend to wait at the airport and follow him. Pay for his cab fare to do so. Or hire a good PI to do it. Know the truth. And put a VAR in your wife's car - she may have a throwaway phone. IMO, this is the ONE 48-hour period that will determine the future of your marriage. If you find nothing, regress back to what you're doing.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Now, meeting him at the airport might be out of line. He may be able to get you for stalking/harassing/threatening or something like that. What about "visiting" your wife at work for the days he will be there. She has told him to stay away. If he shows up, couldn't he be considered a stalker/harasser/threatener? If you acted accordingly in that situation, wouldn't it hold up in a court of law? You were protecting your wife from a predator.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I am sorry, but how fricking ridiculous is this? You really want to stay in a relationship where you walk on pins and needles based on what some other guy does with his vacations??? 

You simply can't trust your wife, plain and simple. I would never live like that. She has to tell you unequivocally, that she is done with this guy, not sit around and say she misses him and she can't resist him! WTF? Marriage is about trust, love....she is adult who can control her urges! Does she love you to be monogamous with you or not? Simple question and should illicit a one word answer.

This is all BS, I am sorry. If she can't deal with this guy and simply tell him to buzz off, then why are you married to her? Seriously i find this situation ridiculous. Some relationships are just not worth saving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Corkey, immediately after an affair has ended, it's prudent and logical to monitor your wayward spouse for a few months because they simply haven't withdrawn yet from the PEA chemical high they were on while cheating. 

She did not say she can't resist him. In fact, she's being open with her husband. And she DID tell him to buzz off. SM is just worried about what the OM will do.

And WE are assuming that, if he were to show up, she'd have trouble at that point because each time you see your affair partner, the chemicals start up all over again. That is all. 

That said, just to be clear, SM, did YOU see the letter she sent or hear the call she made, telling him to stay away from her? Or did she just tell you she did?


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> Corkey, immediately after an affair has ended, it's prudent and logical to monitor your wayward spouse for a few months because they simply haven't withdrawn yet from the PEA chemical high they were on while cheating.
> 
> She did not say she can't resist him. In fact, she's being open with her husband. And she DID tell him to buzz off. SM is just worried about what the OM will do.
> 
> ...


PEA chemical high??? This is simply a means of excusing the cheating spouse's behavior - I couldn't help myself, I was on a high...sorry please ecxcuse me! Honestly, let's cut the psychobabble and tell her to gain some self-control! She needs to take responsibility for her behavior, like an adult should. Admit she made a mistake and vow never to do it again. Stuggling Man, you need to set boundaries and let her know you won't tolerate her seeing the OM, period. No contact means no contact. If she does see him, then it is over. It really is that simple. Actions speak louder than words. She needs to demonstrate her commitment to the marriage and her fidelity to you otherwise, this marriage is over. No husband should have to spy on his wife....if trust is gone, say goodnight and turn off the lights!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are such things as PEAs.

That said, I agree she needs to cut the chord if she hasn't already. If not, there is no marriage.

I don't think SM should call this dude or go to the airport. That could be seen as harassment. I like Turn's idea about the VAR.

When was the last time they supposedly had contact? How long did the affair last? When did she go no contact? How does she know him? I don't remember the backstory?


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

In the movie _French Connection II_, Poppey Doyle was captured by the drug dealers. While in captivity they made him to become a drug addict before releasing him. After he was nourished back to health (going thru numerous times of cold turkey), in one scene he came upon the possession of some heroin packets. No one is in the room. He can do whatever he wants. With great struggle and determination, he tore the packets and dumped them on the floor. That scene was so captivating because I really didn't know if he can overcome the temptation. I don't even know if I can overcome that at all.

I suggest you two to watch that movie together and discuss that particular scene afterward.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

SM, get with your W, BOTH of you tell this guy to have NO CONTACT whatsoever with her while he is in town. Then, the both of you get with the local fuzz, her boss and whoever else may be involved, and arrange it that if he shows up at her place of employment, he gets dragged out in handcuffs, and you will expose him to his W, his employer, etc.

Uh, by the way, one of those "business interests" wouldn't happen to be with your W's company, would it?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Sorry was away at lunch. Okay, to just buzz through a few things brought up.

- I didn't say she can't resist him, I said she is sad about losing the relationship and missing him. I don't think if he shows up she'll start salivating like one of pavlov's dogs and just go with him. She is as worried about this as I am as she knows what is at stake.

- If he does show up, I will call his wife, regardless of what my wife says or does. Even if it hurts my R I will do it because that is what I said I would do and she needs to see that I won't back down from any of this.

- I have an old digital recorder that I could use. It's not VAR but at slow speed it records for 16 hrs. I could drop it in her car before she leaves and just check it at the end of the day. A pain in the arse to be sure, but one option.

- I have considered 'staking out' her place of work just to see if he shows. That way she can handle it, she has said if he turns up she will ask him to leave immediately and inform me of it as soon as it happens.

- The EA began last year after the two of them reconnected at their high school reunion. I didn't go as it was 2000 miles away. They continued their electronic courtship for several months, falling in love. They had two rendezvous out of state while she was allegedly away on business. In December of 2010 she ended the PA because she wanted to work on saving our marriage. She started IC soon after and we started MC a short time after that. 

However she never revealed the affair. Our MC was going nowhere because she was still in the EA. I heard all the standard lines, "Love you but not in love" etc. Just after mother's day I discovered the affair by looking on her phone and finding e-mails. I confronted her the next morning, and demanded that we either divorce or she go NC immediately. I was there during the NC call and I even spoke directly to the OM and explained that if he attempted contact again that I would contact his wife and let her know what was going on. He assured me he would not. 

While they were still in the EA he had planned this trip thinking they could hang out. I believe he intended to try to restart the PA as he is still very much in love w/her. We believed when we went to NC that he would change his flights. found out yesterday that he hasn't and we are now trying to figure out whether it's for business or if he intends to try to break NC.

[email protected] - In my opinion my relationship is worth saving. We are less than a month from Dday so all of these emotions are still pretty raw which is why this is such a difficult thing. You are welcome to your opinions.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

F102 - no the biz interest isn't with her company. If that were the case I'd have a much clearer course of action.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I hope so too. And I do love her, unfortunately. If I was emotionally checked out, I would have physically checked out once I knew about the A, but I'm determined to try to make it work. And even though she is going through her withdrawal from the A I believe when she says she is committed to making it work.

Thanks for the thoughts.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

So your wife said that she doesn't want you to tell the OMs wife right? Maybe you should tell your wife that she should confess to the OMs wife about the A. I bet his trip would be cancelled if his wife found out.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Then you wouldn't have to worry about what your going to do for 2 days, especially since it's your wife telling his wife, because that would really show that she isn't interested in him coming around ever again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's actually a great idea. A month into recovery, she should be willing to do this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Forsaken said:


> So your wife said that she doesn't want you to tell the OMs wife right? Maybe you should tell your wife that she should confess to the OMs wife about the A. I bet his trip would be cancelled if his wife found out.


That's a great idea.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey SM, like I said you can't always be taking a quickie vacation every time this douche-bag shows up. It does seem that your wife is somewhat protective of his situation, but you know what... tough luck he shouldn't have put his [email protected] in your wife in the first place if he had sooo much to lose. This is his sob story so he won't be found out by his wife- doesn't she see that. As far as HER loss of friendship- TOUGH COOKIES SWEETHEART- she should have though of that before she crossed the line. She really needs to snap out of this funk already if she wants this to work. To me it seems you're doing all the heavy lifting here, while she wallows in the pity of her failed "friendship" with this guy. This is called tough love, and sometimes its necessary to snap people out of their FUNK- know what I'm say'in.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> Sorry was away at lunch. Okay, to just buzz through a few things brought up.
> 
> - I didn't say she can't resist him, I said she is sad about losing the relationship and missing him. I don't think if he shows up she'll start salivating like one of pavlov's dogs and just go with him. She is as worried about this as I am as she knows what is at stake.
> 
> ...


Not only stake out her work in the morning, but take her to lunch as well. Later you can keep watching. Just prudent really.

BTW, general comment to folks. I have seen a good number of marriages break up over long distance H.S. reunions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not only stake out her work in the morning, but take her to lunch as well. Later you can keep watching. Just prudent really.
> 
> BTW, general comment to folks. I have seen a good number of marriages break up over long distance H.S. reunions.


:iagree:

Tell me about it. 

Happens more and more nowadays with the advent of social networks like Myspace, facebook, etc.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

good luck this, we all wish you the best.

keep us posted on this issue, alot can be learned.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

Let me see if I have this straight. She had a "EA" then it went "PA" and then she went back to EA and ended the PA, and now this guy is coming to town on a planned vacation and she is sad she cant see him and youre considering taking your wife on vacation to ensure they dont meet up? You didnt tell his wife because your wife convinced you to let him tell her and goto counseling. 

So essentially you have to run for the hills everytime some guy wants to sleep with your wife. On top of that he gets to have his cake and eat it too because your wife wanted to protect him and his family from harm, but had no problem casting that harm onto you. Youre the only one who actually had any sort of repercussions from their affair, and to top it all off you willfully accept it. Welcome to doormat beta male status. Until you decide you wont allow this behavior there is nothing that can be done for you. Good luck

Ronin


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Call his wife tell her about the affair, if he contacts your wife lay a harassment charge against him, this is a test for your wife, if he calls her she should put down the phone and call you immediately. You then call him warning him of an impending harassment charge. Your wife has to be onboard anything less says she is still wanting contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Ronin said:


> Let me see if I have this straight. She had a "EA" then it went "PA" and then she went back to EA and ended the PA, and now this guy is coming to town on a planned vacation and she is sad she cant see him and youre considering taking your wife on vacation to ensure they dont meet up? You didnt tell his wife because your wife convinced you to let him tell her and goto counseling.
> 
> So essentially you have to run for the hills everytime some guy wants to sleep with your wife. On top of that he gets to have his cake and eat it too because your wife wanted to protect him and his family from harm, but had no problem casting that harm onto you. Youre the only one who actually had any sort of repercussions from their affair, and to top it all off you willfully accept it. Welcome to doormat beta male status. Until you decide you wont allow this behavior there is nothing that can be done for you. Good luck
> 
> Ronin


Reading comprehension?:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ronin, you did NOT get it straight. Read more carefully.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I still really like the idea of having your wife confess to the OMs wife. I think it's safe to assume that if OMs W knew then he wouldn't be taking this trip. Plus your W could tell his W that he needs to back off and leave you guys alone because you guys are trying to R.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Ronin - you don't have your facts straight, but if things were as you say your response would be warranted. 

@Forsaken - That's not a bad idea and I have not discarded it. I think I am either going to call him directly and warn him off or I will just go ahead and let the OMW know and that should put the kibosh on the trip. Among ideas I haven't discarded is the idea of just watching it all. Go to the airport, see what he does. If he goes to W's work, see what she does, how she handles it. 

All of the arguments presented on just going straight to the omw are good ones and I know as a bs that I would want to know. I am working on the issue of my giving my word to my W that I wouldn't contact unless he tried to resume the relationship. i don't like to break my word, but it is very much bothering me that she doesn't know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SM, NONE of the options you just described involve having your WIFE step up to the plate.

Why is that?


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

You won't be going against your word if you have your wife do it. You only said that you wouldn't tell the OMs W, not that she wouldn't tell her.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Make her be accountable for her own actions and own up to them. This would be a good way of seeing if she really wants to work on your relationship. You can even bring it up to her in a way that shows your concern for the future of your relationship, like saying that you think she needs to let the OMs W know because you fear that hes not going to stop and that if she knew maybe she could put a stop to all of this and you guys won't have to worry about this happening again in the future.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Turnera - I don't have a good answer for you. I think it's a good idea, but I'm just having trouble with it. I don't know why, and it's something I'll be discussing in IC. There is a part of me that feels like it's something I have to do. Like I owe it to the OMW. 

@Forsaken - As I said above, I agree and I haven't ruled it out. 

I think some of it is she has sworn to me that she is done with this guy and she is committed to R. I guess I am worried that if I push too hard we will lose the ground we've gained.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, I know why you won't ask your wife to call OMW; I just wanted to know if YOU know. It's because she proved to you that she's willing to ditch you and you are now terrified that if you piss her off she will give up on you altogether. You still haven't found YOUR strength, YOUR self-respect, and you are walking on tiptoes to make sure your wife doesn't walk away.

The only real solution for that is for you to LET GO. Let go of the fear that she may leave you because, frankly, she MAY leave you. At any time. And that has been the truth during your entire relationship; it's just that you took it for granted for so long that she WOULDN'T leave you, that you also took HER for granted. And then she strayed. So now that you get it, you're terrified that if you push too much she'll just say screw you and leave.

Is that the marriage you want?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@ Turnera - no it's not. But I do accept that she may leave. I am not walking on eggshells. I am not terrified of pissing her off. You may not believe me, but the truth is that even though she has hurt me deeply that I don't want to hurt her back. I appreciate how hard she is working and that she still has work to do. And I haven't said I won't do these things, I just said I'm having a hard time with them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why? Do you know?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> F102 - no the biz interest isn't with her company. If that were the case I'd have a much clearer course of action.


Then in that case, he has no business showing up at her place of employment. Get with her boss and have this scum "met" at the door by security.

And, in regards to some other posts, I would love to see the look on your W's face if you told her: "I'm not going to tell his W, YOU are!"

BTW, how long until ********* shows up?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@ Turnera - Again, I don't have a good answer. It's something I'm working on in IC. Not saying I won't do it. I'm not ruling anything out at this point. Just trying to figure out where my head is. I appreciate your perspective.

@ f102 - Receptionist will be on alert. I agree that the look on her face would be priceless. He is set to arrive on the 21st, leave on the 23rd. 

Thanks for all the comments. I am listening and I am thinking. I may not always agree, but I am not rejecting anything out of hand. I am working through a lot (4 deaths (1 a suicide), an affair and near divorce since Jan 1, so dealing with a heavy load and not making any snap decisions. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the tough love.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

The reason why I press this issue with your W telling his is because not only does his W deserve to know, but I also think its an experience that she needs to go through so she can see how big of an impact her actions have made on other peoples lives. So she can really look the horror/hurt in the face and know more of an extent of the damage she caused.

That's something she will never forget and she will carry it with her for the rest of her life. After that I bet she will think a lot more than twice about ever doing that to you or anyone else ever again. It may even be a very humbling experience for her because she will realize more about the aftermath of the A and see that after everything she has done, you are still there by her side.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you have to show her that "doing the right thing" means more to you than anything. Tell his wife. Then, you say to yours "Wife I realize in a moment of desperation I promised you I wouldnt to this. However, my conscience weight too heavily on me. I had to do the right thing and tell her."

In the end, she may very well respect your need to live by doing the right thing more than your willingness to cover it up.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

"I think you have to show her that "doing the right thing" means more to you than anything."

Well put Hicks!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey struggling----you don't need to leave town, or anything like that---both of you just stay home the day, he is due in town---if you have work related things to do, bring them home, and do them at home, both you and your wife advise, your bosses, that you need to be home the day you wanna stay home, and that you are willing to work on things from home

Make no contact with the other guy, at all---he has no right to know what you do, from day to day----If he does on his own find out you are at home, and he comes looking for your wife, the minute he sets foot on your property, have him arrested for trespass

Also, do not let your wife give you any grief, over causing this guy pain----I seriously doubt, that your wife is willing at this point to give up her mge., for this guy, even if she once had feelings for him


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Struggling, follow your conscience but stay away from the OM and don't contact him. If anyone is to contact him (ducking to avoid slings and arrows) it should be a written return receipt requested NC letter from your wife to him that you have seen and agreed on and that you mail. It should clearly state that this is forever and that if he attempts contact his wife will be told all. I'll post an example of the one my wife wrote. DO it now so you have the return receipt before he gets here. If he attempts contact then, you have documentation that YOUR WIFE cut it off and can pull a restraining order as well as notifying his wife with your wife's consent already agreed to in the letter. Key thing is SHE writes it with the key elements included and agreed to.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I have decided to be completely honest and have told him everything.
We have decided to stay together permanently.
There will be no contact ever of ANY type - direct or indirect, for life with ANY member of our family. 
I will refuse any attempts at contact and notify him immediately if you try to contact me.
You are not contact me or my family in any way, no gifts or cards or anything.
Your wife will be notified of the affair if you attempt contact, it’s duration and that it is over.
His or my name is NEVER to be revealed to anyone including your wife, we want no contact with her either.

Please destroy this after reading.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Because of my wife's work situation, we did not want his wife running all over telling people. It would have damaged her permanently.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

We are working on an e-mail similar to the one you posted 8. I think the way we are looking at it is as a warning shot across the bow. 

I have also talked to my wife about making the call and if it comes down to that we both will do so. I have told her that she should apologize to the OM's wife just as sincerely as she has apologized to me. She is very embarassed and upset by the thought but has agreed as it is something I need her to do if we are to R.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wow 8 years, I wish my wife's NC communication was that good. Hers was more of "I need to give my family a chance. You'll always be the lost love of my life. Love you desperately. Goodbye."

With a bunch of other fluff. Of course, she didn't let me read it. I found it myself. But things are going well toward R for us.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Gabriel,

Sorry yours went down like that. Mine was a phone call that I sat in on and then spoke with him myself. She got emotional but at no time did she say she loved him, would miss him or anything. Just said that she is choosing her marriage and that he needs to respect it and she hoped that he would do the same and work on his marriage.

Of course the fact that he may be showing up next week seems to argue against the idea that he is respecting her wishes or working on his marriage. But who knows, maybe he really does have business here. Guess we'll find out. 

Here's another question for the group. Once the OM's wife finds out and he's no longer bound by that threat, do you all think he's going to pursue her more strongly? Or blow the whole thing wide open by posting about it on FB or something similar?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would think once the OM's wife knows he is only going to worry about his sh*tstorm for awhile. Quite awhile, actually.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Once reality hits him in the face he will stay away from like a rat from poison. He will be too busy trying to save his marriage despite all the horse hockey he fed your wife.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Remember what I said about the letter being documentation for a restraining order if he contacts her again. In fact you can include in the letter that she (your wife) will consider any attempt at contact as hostile and harassment and will immediately file a restraining order in open court and make sure his wife gets a copy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> I have also talked to my wife about making the call and if it comes down to that we both will do so. I have told her that she should apologize to the OM's wife just as sincerely as she has apologized to me. She is very embarassed and upset by the thought but has agreed as it is something I need her to do if we are to R.


 That's amazing! I hope you have significantly rewarded her for this decision.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

It doesn't matter what the other mans wife does---If he continues to try to go after your wife---and make sure she tells you of any HINT of contact---you go after him LEGALLY ---get him for stalking, harrasing, trespass---whatever else

If he persists tell him the next time there is any attempted contact by him---you will file a civil action against him for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS----the thought of losing a civil suit and parting with money, is a very large deterrent


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I am hoping that once the wife knows, it will truly be over. I don't want this guy's shadow to fall on my marriage ever again. 

I like the idea of threatening legal action. Will add that to the e-mail. Thanks for the suggestions.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

AN email doesn't cut it, you can't prove he got it. Registered return receipt requested mail fron the post office!!! You can even do it overnight delivery! That way he has to SIGN for it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> AN email doesn't cut it, you can't prove he got it. Registered return receipt requested mail fron the post office!!! You can even do it overnight delivery! That way he has to SIGN for it.


:iagree:


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@findingmyway - that's actually a concern. If what he told my wife is true he may use that as an exit visa. Gets him out of the marriage w/out him having to be the one to tell her. 

Made it over one hurdle as wife went out of town for business yesterday and we stayed in close contact. She really tried hard to make sure I knew where she was and what she was doing. It feels good to see her working so hard on us. Feel like I'm not the only one doing the heavy lifting anymore. Now we just need to get through this potential visit next week. 

We are finalizing our version of the letter 8 suggested and am hoping to overnight it tomorrow. Then wait to see what happens I guess.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I would not blink about telling his wife , carry on and tell her, , it works both ways she may tie him up so much he can't move especially if she leaves and goes for his assets. Your wife is with you on this, if he persues her after the letter charge him with harassment , he loses all ways..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your right NZ but that is part of the hypervigilance early on and it's best confronted and dealt with the best way you know how to find peace.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@NZ - you are totally correct. I am driving myself a little nuts with it. I should probably delete this thread and just hunker down and see what happens. I talked about it at IC yesterday and will probably talk about it a little at MC tonight. Concensus among my support group here is to let sleeping dogs lie.

Maybe he has moved on, I just don't know. The main reason I am still stressing about it is that when she ended the PA and went to an EA (friends only, hahhahahahaha) he was ignoring boundaries she set and trying to move things back toward PA. 

Anyway, that's where my (wildly spinning) head is at right now.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Go make love to her ways that make her head spin and foget about it!


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I like your thinking! LOL, thanks for the suggestion.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SM - you posted on my thread. Sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Good luck. If you need to discuss anything, feel free to send me a PM. I have to hand it to you though - the fact yours went PA makes a difference in our situations. My wife didn't get all the way to PA and that would have added a lot to my plight on here. Wish you the best.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Gabriel - Thanks for the offer. Same back at you, if you need to talk. While I was initially very upset about the PA, I found the EA to be the more damaging to our marriage. Having to hear my wife talk about her 'relationship' with another man, how she loved him, even if it was fog-related, was tough. But we are working through, I'm working on me, and I'm feeling stronger every day.

Thanks to all the great people at TAM for all your support since I started coming here. That's been a huge help, knowing I am not alone.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your sure as heck aren't alone here. SO proud of the fact you are working through it and didn't throw in the towel. I have tons of respect for those who decide they can't continue and divorce. That to me is the ultimate hard road. But I also know for those that love their spouses, it too is really tough and a LONG road. To me, talking it out here, using others experiences and finding your OWN way is in itself very rewarding. You should be very proud of your progress and your desire to make it work at all costs. You looked inside yourself to find the things that needed to improve to make your marriage a fortress of honesty and joint respect. That too took some serious strength. Your finding it in your heart to forgive your wife and help her deal with her own grief and guilt and remorse, truly a heroic effort. Like the preist told my wife when she went in for confession, go to the church and pray to god fro half hour and thank him for giving for you such an exceptional man and pray for his help so you never hurt him again. You too are an exceptional man and in an elite minority. Be proud!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

And no I'm not a motivational speaker! LOL


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Thanks 8! Are you sure you're not a motivational speaker? LOL. So after IC and MC I'm feeling ok with the current plan. We did get a curve ball tonight that we're both trying to deal with. My wife got a call from her best friend from high school (she happens to live about half an hour from us - another Illinois transplant). She was sent a message through facebook by this guy saying he is coming to town and wanting to know if she wanted to have dinner. So her bf called my wife to see if she'd like to join them. 

Of course that set everything a little off, as she had to lie to her friend. And she admitted to me that a part of her would really like to go to the dinner, just to be with friends. She admits that going would be a terrible idea, and she would not do it. Just had that feeling of wanting to hang out like she did at her high school reunion. 

I feel strong and know we'll get through it, just annoys me that this guy is still throwing a shadow over our lives. Oh well...we endure right? 

Thanks again for all the great support. Wouldn't have made it w/out all your kind words.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Be very vigilant---this doesn't seem to be over---look for anything out of the ordinary

Your wife in no way, shape, or form, should be pining, or wanting---she knows what is at stake, yet still has thoughts, which put her lover, and her friends over you, and her mge., and family

She needs to drop these friends, they are not friends of the mge.,---something like this should have never even come up----


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's possible that her friends have no idea what is going on.

Man, the OM really thought he was smart, didn't he?

It's good that your W told you, instead of going to dinner and "forgetting" to mention who would be there.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@jnj - The friends have no idea aboutthis guy. All her friend knows is that the two of them hit it off w/this guy at their h.s. reunion. So when he sent the msg, it just naturally occured to her to ask my wife.

@f102 - I am of two thoughts on this. I think that either the OM is fishing, knowing that mywife's friend would contact her about his arrival. Or he is looking for his next conquest, as the friend's marriage is also pretty unsteady and she would be fairly vulnerable.

This experience has led me more strongly to believe my wife's sincerity. When she heard the voicemail from her friend she reacted in such a shocked fashion I thought someone had died. Then when she played me the voicemail I understood why she was so upset. 

When she said a part of her wanted to go, it wasn't to resume the A. She explained to me early this morning (neither of us really slept much - too wound up) that what she was wishing for was that the affair never happened and that she could just go out w/friends and enjoy them w/out the memoryof what she did hanging over her. Does that make sense?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This OM seems to be a pretty sneaky [email protected] by trying to fish through her friends. 

I too think that your WW is showing transparency by informing you immediately about the attempted contact. That's a very, very good sign that she just might deserve the precious gift of R.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It's an excellent sign she told you. How about her contacting her girl friend directly and setting up a gathering without him? ANd you going along for your comfort and hers?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@ Lord Mayhem - This situation is reminiscent of the mind movies. When you don't know what happened, or how they reacted the mind movies are worse. Without knowing this guy's motivation or thoughts I ascribe all sorts of sinister motives to him. I figure by the time he actually arrives I will have him on a par with a Bond villain. I will just be happy when he leaves town again. Going to meditate hard and try to put all of this in a box and stop making myself nuts. ;-)

@ 8 - She gets together periodically with this friend so it's not like she never sees her. I think the whole thing with her having to lie to her best friend is just making her upset and poking at the wound. She told me last night, "I thought I was done having to lie about this." I'm sure we'll get together with her at some point.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, maybe her friend is "toxic"-it sounds like she automatically VMed your W as soon as she knew he was coming to town. Of course, it could be totally innocent on the friends part...

...or, she noticed the "chemistry" between them at the reunion, and is encouraging her to have a fling. Remember, the friends M is on shaky ground, and she probably sensed some signs from your W that your M was shaky, too.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

That's a fair point F-102, although I don't think that's the case. The way I interpreted the VM was that the friend wanted my wife along because she would rather spend time w/her or that it would be more fun if she could be there. I don't really know. The friend has always been very complimentary of me and the type of husband I am so I don't see her encouraging a fling.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SM, very good sign she told you immediately. I am on the side of thinking the friend doesn't know, and was just innocently inviting your wife along.

FWIW, I went with my wife to her HS reunion (well, some of it). I actually already know many of her old HS buddies and this isn't an issue for us, but it seems this is a VERY common danger zone, especially the 20 or 25 year one, when everyone is in their late 30s or early 40s. At the 10 year one, people are typically smitten with their spouses still, or not married yet.

I totally get the "I wish this didn't happen so we could all be friends" thing. My wife's OM said that exactly to me (we corresponded after the EA). I told him not a chance in hell.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Gabriel, I've heard that statistic about h.s. reunions before and so has my wife. She said she feels like such a cliche as a result. ;-) I had to laugh at that one. I could have gone to the reunion, as we both went to the same high school and she was in the same class as my sibling so I would have know a lot of people. Only problem was it was 2000 miles away and I had to stay home to take care of the kids. Believe me, I'm totally wishing I'd gone now. Of course, even if I'd been there I might not have seen the signs so playing the 'what if' game is a totally losing proposition. 

I understand her wish that they could all just be friends, but we also know without question that that ship has sailed.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> OM is coming to town!


You better watch out 
You better be sly 
Better not doubt 
I'm telling you why 

Other Man is coming to town 

He's making a list 
And texting her twice; 
She’s gonna gaslight, that naughty wife! 

Other Man is coming to town 

He Calls her when you're sleeping 
He thinks that you’re a flake 
He knows that she is hot to trot 
She’ll be good for woody snake! 

O! You better watch out! 
You better be sly 
Better not doubt 
I'm telling you why 

Other Man is coming to town 

Other Man is coming to town


lol. sorry man, not making fun.. couldnt resist.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Oh, boy, Pit. Now how am I going to get that song out of my head? It will probably jump out of my subconscious around Christmas. I'll sing your version while the kids are singing the other version. That will fun to explain. "Daddy, what is woody snake?" lol


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That was great Pit! ANd I mean it!


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

That was sad and funny at the same time. And now that's going to be stuck in my head too. lol. 

Thanks for the laugh Pit. ;-)


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you like, pit, I'll give you my version of White Christmas (White Crackhouse)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you guys considered that maybe your wife should tell her friend the truth? One, so that she will have a friend to talk to to help her through this. Two, so that someone is helping her look out for the OM's maneuvers. And three, so that her friend will KNOW he's a slimeball and protect HERSELF from him, something she couldn't do without the knowledge your wife has?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great points Tunera!


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

And yes Turnera, I have thought of that. My wife is concerned about sharing the info w/her friend because her friend would not keep it a secret. 

I also expressed concerns about warning her. It is something we are talking about. These are all valid concerns. My wife doesn't believe this guy is a player, so doesn't think he's setting her up for a conquest. I think some of this is fog thinking and that she doesn't want to believe that she is just a notch on the bedpost. I intend to bring it up at MC which will be before this dinner would take place.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

She is not going is she?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am VERY CONCERNED that your wife's #1 issue right now is keeping this a secret. That does NOT sound like remorse or even acknowledgment. I would have a huge issue with this if I were you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm not in agreement with Turnera on this. My guess is she is just embarrassed and doesn't want people to know. I mean, my wife and I each have a few friends that know, but that's it, and neither of us want to spread it further as long as we are in R. What's the point if they are in real R right now, which it kind of sounds like they are?

I think it is natural to not want to tell. It's embarrassing! Now, if SM WANTS her to tell, and she refuses, then I'd be more concerned.

Wouldn't it be just a little bit awesome if SM's wife did go, with both of them in on the plan to have SM show up 5 minutes later? Not recommending it, but man would that be a WHAM! Then watch the OM squirm in front of the other girl.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

It seems to me that this scumbag is a predator. You say that your wife's friends' marriage is a bit rocky- doesn't bode well for her meeting this guy. I think maybe you guys should at least put him on notice to her husband about him being a little too "friendly' toward married women. It would be tragic if you found out that this moron broke up another marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what if she's embarrassed? A marriage torn up by cheating CANNOT RECOVER unless the cheater achieves total humility. In the most successful recoveries I've seen, the cheater actually goes around - on their own - to both families and admits what they did in total humility, and asks for forgiveness and asks them to help her/him stay on the straight and narrow.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't see the necessity of telling everyone either. That is completely a personal decision. Especially telling a friend with big mouth. I do however agree your wife should have at least one close friend she can use for support that supports marriage and staying together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Nobody said you tell EVERYONE, but this guy is obviously fishing for "something." I just said- put HIM on notice. It wouldn't be cool to find out later on that he put the moves on wife's friend too, while it could have been averted by notifying friend and friend's husband what a cad he is- chasing women around and praying on their vulnerability during a marriage problem. NOT COOL AT ALL. Just burying your head in the sand isn't going to solve anything either


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@8 - No she's not going. it was never even a consideration. Although I did like the suggestion of having her go and having me show up five minutes later. That would be amusing.

@Turnera - Gabriel nailed it in that she is very remorseful and she is also embarassed that she did this to us. We are in R and working hard so I have no need to humiliate her. If she were to resume or if I find out she was lying to me then all bets would be off and I would out her from every rooftop. But she has done a great deal to prove to me her sincerity and we are working to get past it. I'm sure that there have been cases where some sort of public admission was necessary, but that is not what I need in order to forgive her and move on with my life.

She knows without question that if she falters in even the slightest way, a text message, voicemail etc, we are done. Unequivocally. I have also told her in no uncertain terms that if he should show up at her office she is to have no physical contact with him, not even a handshake. She is to offer nothing, not say she misses him etc. 

@ahhhman - I agree that this guy is fishing. Whether for my wife, using the other woman as bait, or trying to start something with her. I want to put him on notice, I want to warn her friend. I'm just not sure how to do it without spilling the beans on our situation, which is something I'm not willing to do. If this makes me a bad guy because I'm not willing to jeopardize everything we are working for on the suspicion that this guy is a player, then hand me my black hat and six shooter.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Oh and she does have two good friends who she trusts implicitly who know all the details so we both have a support network to talk things out with outside of IC and MC.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That's great you both have the support. Your wife can always ask the friend in an offhand way after the dinner how it went and if he played her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Foget about it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Trying to put it in a mental box until Tuesday and just stop thinking about it. 

I am hopeful that I am just over-thinking it and he's just trying to find things to do during his stop-over.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your wife told you she has no interest in seeing him. Leave it at that and quit worrying about him. Your wife should be your only concern. He can't cast a shadow if you don't let him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> @jnj - The friends have no idea aboutthis guy. All her friend knows is that the two of them hit it off w/this guy at their h.s. reunion. So when he sent the msg, it just naturally occured to her to ask my wife.
> 
> @f102 - I am of two thoughts on this. I think that either the OM is fishing, knowing that mywife's friend would contact her about his arrival. Or he is looking for his next conquest, as the friend's marriage is also pretty unsteady and she would be fairly vulnerable.
> 
> ...


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I understand that and I am pretty sure she does too. I think she was just voicing her regrets. 

@8 - You're right. If I don't put any attention on him, he can't bother us. I will work on that. Thanks.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Of course, maybe her friend is "toxic"-it sounds like she automatically VMed your W as soon as she knew he was coming to town. Of course, it could be totally innocent on the friends part...
> 
> *...or, she noticed the "chemistry" between them at the reunion, and is encouraging her to have a fling. Remember, the friends M is on shaky ground, and she probably sensed some signs from your W that your M was shaky, too.*


This will be pushed off as not the case but, chemistry can be very obvious. Some woman find it romantic and live somewhat viacriously through it. This seesm very enabling to me. Why in the world would a friend invite a married woman to a dinner without her husband because she hit it off with this guy? Seems a bit dumb and not marriage friendly.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> Gabriel,* I've heard that statistic about h.s. reunions before and so has my wife. She said she feels like such a cliche as a result. ;-) I had to laugh at that one. I could have gone to the reunion, as we both went to the same high school and she was in the same class as my sibling so I would have know a lot of people. Only problem was it was 2000 miles away and I had to stay home to take care of the kids.* Believe me, I'm totally wishing I'd gone now. Of course, even if I'd been there I might not have seen the signs so playing the 'what if' game is a totally losing proposition.
> 
> I understand her wish that they could all just be friends, but we also know without question that that ship has sailed.


Let this be a serious lesson to folks about this. My advice. No matter what the excuse, put your marriage first and go to the reunion with your spouse. Find a way. Make it happen. No excuses. It is not about trust or being controlling. It is about respecting the relationship and taking care of it.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

That's a hard one to figure. The friend really just wants to hang out w/my wife and I think she's using the dinner as an excuse. When my wife said she couldn't go, the friend said she didn't really know the guy and wasn't sure what they would talk about and really wanted my wife to be there so she'd have a good time. I don't think it's a setup but I don't know. He could be trying to manipulate the friend into bringing my wife. I just don't know and until he is gone again I'm going to have to just operate as though his motivations are not focused on my wife. It is a leap of faith, but I am going to take it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You better watch out
> You better be sly
> Better not doubt
> I'm telling you why
> ...


Actually, this is very clever and there is wisdom here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Have you guys considered that maybe your wife should tell her friend the truth? One, so that she will have a friend to talk to to help her through this. Two, so that someone is helping her look out for the OM's maneuvers. And three, so that her friend will KNOW he's a slimeball and protect HERSELF from him, something she couldn't do without the knowledge your wife has?


She absolutely should and be clear that she wants the marriage not the OM. A great step forward to recover.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> *And yes Turnera, I have thought of that. My wife is concerned about sharing the info w/her friend because her friend would not keep it a secret. *
> 
> I also expressed concerns about warning her. It is something we are talking about. These are all valid concerns. My wife doesn't believe this guy is a player, so doesn't think he's setting her up for a conquest. I think some of this is fog thinking and that she doesn't want to believe that she is just a notch on the bedpost. I intend to bring it up at MC which will be before this dinner would take place.


We have our answer now on the friend. She is not trustworthy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> I am VERY CONCERNED that your wife's #1 issue right now is keeping this a secret. That does NOT sound like remorse or even acknowledgment. I would have a huge issue with this if I were you.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I know this sounds far-fetched, and ban me from your post, SM, but this scenario just occurred to me:

Her friend secretly is in love with you, she wants your W to cheat so that your M will be destroyed, then she could leave her rocky M and come to you.

OR...

She deep down wants to hook up with the OM, knows it's wrong, and wants your W there to "stop" her.

I know, I know-disgusting...

...but not entirely impossible.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> That's a hard one to figure. The friend really just wants to hang out w/my wife and I think she's using the dinner as an excuse. When my wife said she couldn't go, the friend said she didn't really know the guy and wasn't sure what they would talk about and really wanted my wife to be there so she'd have a good time. I don't think it's a setup but I don't know. He could be trying to manipulate the friend into bringing my wife. I just don't know and until he is gone again I'm going to have to just operate as though his motivations are not focused on my wife. It is a leap of faith, but I am going to take it.


But just to be clear, your wife is no going to the dinner, so then what is your leap of faith? His motivation? Your wife's friends motivation?

You pretty much have to be concerned about this guy for forever and a day. Sorry but even if he is not focused on her now, once an affair like this occurs your wife and this giuy have a bond that will always exist to some extent. It can never ever be trusted again. I think you now this.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Let this be a serious lesson to folks about this. My advice. No matter what the excuse, put your marriage first and go to the reunion with your spouse. Find a way. Make it happen. No excuses. It is not about trust or being controlling. It is about respecting the relationship and taking care of it.


I took my W to my reunion.

And get this:

There was a girl there that I was desperately in love with in HS (albeit secretly-me being a total geek, and she practically had the words "PROPERTY OF WBHS FOOTBALL TEAM" stamped on her forehead)
Well, I went up to talk to her, she was very friendly, hugs and all, and then I introduced my W.
She suddenly cooled her demeanor and went to find someone else to talk to.

Gee, I wonder what she was hoping to find there?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Entropy - I have answered those comments earlier in the thread but basically I feel that since we are both working very hard on R that I don't feel a need to broadcast the info about the A. She has suffered a lot of remorse, apologizes almost daily and has taken a strong hit to her self image. Maybe that's not enough for some of the folks on here, but it's ok for me. No, the friend isn't completely trustworth, but mostly because she is extremely judgemental and would not let it die, ever. Even if we are able to put it behind us, she would continue to bring it up in perpetuity. My wife has two other friends she has confided in and has a support network that is urging her strongly to keep working towards R, which has been doing.

@ F102 - I don't plan to ban anyone from the thread. I appreciate all the input. I don't always agree, but generally I think everyone has the best intentions. As for your suggested possibilities...

1. Not just LOL, but LMAO. I don't see that as probable.
2. I don't think it's that so much as I think the friend is very insecure and self absorbed and doesn't want to have to do the work of having a conversation w/this guy she doesn't really know without my wife there as a buffer. Her marriage is rocky, though, so I don't really know.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@ Entropy - My leap of faith is not doing anything. My big concern isn't this dinner (and no she is not attending ), but that he may try to show up at my wife's office. When they were still in the A he made comments about surprising her for lunch sometime when he was in town. We don't think he's going to do that, we are hopeful that he intends to respect the nc, but we just don't know. All my instincts are screaming to me that I should be at her office in case he shows up, but instead I'm going to go to my scheduled IC meeting and have faith that he won't show up and that if he does my wife will send him packing.

LOL @ F102. Sounds like that woman at the reunion was one of those cliche'd statistics.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> @ Entropy - My leap of faith is not doing anything. My big concern isn't this dinner (and no she is not attending ), but that he may try to show up at my wife's office. When they were still in the A he made comments about surprising her for lunch sometime when he was in town. We don't think he's going to do that, we are hopeful that he intends to respect the nc, but we just don't know. All my instincts are screaming to me that I should be at her office in case he shows up, but instead I'm going to go to my scheduled IC meeting and have faith that he won't show up and that if he does my wife will send him packing.
> 
> LOL @ F102. Sounds like that woman at the reunion was one of those cliche'd statistics.


I wish you luck my friend. I can only imagine what you are going through. The stress and other emotions have to be overwhelming. 

We have instincts and gut feelings for a reason. They are very Darwinian. Not saying we have to cater to them continuously by any means but they should not be dismissed. I know you are not. You have real reason to be concerned.

If he does show up and she does not send him packing then, if I were you I would wash my hands of this.

Maybe you are hoping she can pass this test.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I am completely hoping that she can pass this test. We have had several discussions about it, just the two of us and with the MC. She said she has made her choice (me) and she doesn't care if he is willing to blow up his entire marriage. She has assured me in no uncertain terms that she will tell him to go and she has also agreed that if he does show up there is to be no physical contact, not even a handshake. And yes, if things do not go the way I hope and she offers him so much as a ray of hope for continuing, then I am history and taking the kids with me.

My feelings run all over the map. In general I feel very strong and I feel good that I can make it through this no matter what happens. Today, with the date looming a few days away, I am kind of depressed about it. But I have faith in her when she tells me that she wants me and is willing to do whatever to make it work.

Thanks for the thoughts!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

StrugglingMan said:


> That's a hard one to figure. The friend really just wants to hang out w/my wife and I think she's using the dinner as an excuse. When my wife said she couldn't go, the friend said she didn't really know the guy and wasn't sure what they would talk about and really wanted my wife to be there so she'd have a good time. I don't think it's a setup but I don't know. He could be trying to manipulate the friend into bringing my wife. I just don't know and until he is gone again I'm going to have to just operate as though his motivations are not focused on my wife. It is a leap of faith, but I am going to take it.


SM, it sounds to me like your wife had a talk with you. 

Did she?

As in, honey, Friend is really bugging me about going. It's all just honest, I swear. She just feels weird going alone, and I'll just be there for her. 

Something like that?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I know this sounds far-fetched, and ban me from your post, SM, but this scenario just occurred to me:
> 
> Her friend secretly is in love with you, she wants your W to cheat so that your M will be destroyed, then she could leave her rocky M and come to you.
> 
> ...


Do you write soap opera's F? This is really a stretch. LOL


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I took my W to my reunion.
> 
> And get this:
> 
> ...


A now rich and suddenly not so nerdy geek? ROFL I hope your taking this ribbing and laughing! Hate to say it but that girl had more miles on her than a bald tire!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, it's none of your wife's business if her friend goes out with this guy. If she's uncomfortable meeting him for dinner on her own, then she's a big girl and SHE can say NO. 

NOT Y'ALL'S PROBLEM.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This time, I feel Turnera might be on to something. How did you W bring her friend's complaint about going alone to you? Do you think she was fishing for a way for you to let her go to the dinner? You said she isn't going, but was she fishing?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh fer Chrsit sake, let the man foget about it!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> This time, I feel Turnera might be on to something. How did you W bring her friend's complaint about going alone to you? Do you think she was fishing for a way for you to let her go to the dinner? You said she isn't going, but was she fishing?


Since she is in a FOG, her mind was trying to work this out and was entertaining this idea. Fishing. Probably.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Turnera - The answer is no. She did not have a talk with me. At no time during all of this did she ask to go. The only thing she said was that she wished none of this had happened so she could just go and hang out w/friends and not have to lie to anyone. 

I was there for the entire conversation w/the friend (iphones are very loud) and I could hear both sides of the convo. The friend just kept trying to egg her on into coming and then threw out the "i'm worried we won't have anything to talk about" as a hail-mary to get my wife to cave. I'm sure she may also have sensed something odd about my wife's refusal to go but she never said anything.

My wife reiterated again at lunch today that she is happy with the choice she made, happy with how we are moving toward R and not interested in resuming anything with OM. We are both worried that HE might try to contact her, but we are doing our best to put it aside as it might not happen.

@*8 - Thanks for jumping in. I guess if I really want to put this out of my mind I should not log into this site for a few days, huh? :-D


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Yeppers - the analysts are working overtime!


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Would that make them over-analysts, then? ;-)


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Hey - did you hear the one about the young man that went to a ***** house? 

The madame politely told him to practice on the tree on top of the hill and come back later.

He came back a week later and she asked him - did you practice? He said yes I did, a lot! So she took him to a room and left him with a lady and closed the door.

A few minutes she hears screaming and runs up to the room and throws the doors open only to fin the young jamming the ***** with broom stick. "What the hell are doing" she screamed!

Just checking for bees Maam.....


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Maybe that will get me all kins of hate posts!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Ba da dum!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Yeppers - the analysts are working overtime!


What are you trying to say?


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

LOL. Just what I needed. A good distraction. Thanks again.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Hey - did you hear the one about the young man that went to a ***** house?
> 
> The madame politely told him to practice on the tree on top of the hill and come back later.
> 
> ...


:rofl:


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Entropy, he wants to stop thinking about it for now.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Entropy, he wants to stop thinking about it for now.


I understand. Maybe he should step away from the keyboard. Just a suggestion. However, I guess I am hearing he does not want to think about that piece of things in particular but still is looking for support. I agree, it is over analyzing to think about that aspect any more. It really is way down the list of things to be concerned about.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Entropy - Yes, I am going to log off the site and not check back until after this visit happens. If he shows up at her office I'll be definitely letting you all know, but for now I'm closing up shop on worrying about this and just trying to enjoy my family for the weekend. You are absolutely right that there are lots of other things to be concerned about. 

Thanks everyone! I'll look forward to giving an update either late tuesday or sometime Wednesday depending on how things go. 

Over and out! Have a great weekend all!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Cya
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Good luck, bro-we're all here for you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In response, 8 yrs., I work a 24/6 (one day off) on-call schedule, so I'm home during the day a lot, and daytime TV coupled with an imagination like mine could be toxic.

Maybe I should write trash novels?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You'd be good at it!


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