# Together 11 years, married for 6 months - possible divorce



## FreeSpirit1990 (Apr 18, 2020)

Hello everyone,

I’ve always read stories on dating and marriage forums and I never thought I’d be posting about my own issues. I’m sort of at a loss for what I think is going on in our marriage and wanted to hear your opinions and thoughts.

We’ve been together for a long time (I’m 29 and she’s 28) and recently got married and had a blast at the wedding and honeymoon.

We went to a dance studio to be able to have a fun and unique choreographed dance just for the wedding and she learned that she really loved dance in general. She also danced when she was little, so it awakes an old hobby, which I thought was great. However the dance instructor has seemed to catch her interest, especially while the corona iris thing is going on and they often go hiking together during the week several times when I’m either still at work or home working on the house (bought a house three years ago and renovating). Which I was neutral about the whole idea, but as a couple or more weeks have went by it has gotten on my nerves her coming home late and doesn’t really want anything to do with me.

She was sheltered by her parents and never really had a true boyfriend before me, and I fear she has awoken that part of her that wants to see what else is out there (so to speak). She has no problem meeting him for walks, watching movies online together (he streams it from his laptop or something) or texting back and forth. I have been more than polite about asking about where they go to walk etc, and it usually irritates her but not to the point of anger. The red flag for me has been that the last two weeks she completely hides or keeps her phone on her even when she sleeps (puts it under the pillow on the charger).

this past weekend I told her that I didn’t mind her hanging out with him as long as she tells me that she’s going to and where they are, but several days a week for 6-12 hours at a time I think is ridiculous. I don’t think she is truly interested in being married now since she knows I don’t like her meeting him that often and for long durations of time.

I went with her walking with him last weekend and he mentioned he would have brought wine, but the two of them drank all of his in the past several “walks” that they met up for. Who honestly meets to walk and drinks two bottles of wine each time BEFORE the walk? Seems fishy to me.

I will add that the last three years since we bought the house we never have sex. I’m 5’10” 180 lbs and she is (blonde) 5’7” roughly 160 lbs, so we aren’t having health issues or self image issues etc. Previously we were very active and always having fun, I just thought stress from work and working on the house were the reasons.

I always do the chores around the house and do things for her, and I do my best to go with her to see her friends to keep her company. Sometimes I’ll have a big project on the weekend (just built a pole barn) and I can’t go to lunch with her and her parents because I’m working to complete my task. She is almost always understanding of that.

I can going further into detail, but does any of this make any sense that she is willing to defend her friendship with him (the dance instructor) over our marriage? Or the fact that it really bothers me that she has more interest hanging out with him? I have told her in every way possible how I feel and she just ignores it and says she loves me and that he is just a friend. This time it just gives me a gut feeling that something isn’t right, and I don’t want to ignore it, wether it be for better or worse.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> We went to a dance studio to be able to have a fun and unique choreographed dance just for the wedding and she learned that she really loved dance in general. She also danced when she was little, so it awakes an old hobby, which I thought was great. However the dance instructor has seemed to catch her interest, especially while the corona iris thing is going on and they often go hiking together during the week several times when I’m either still at work or home working on the house (bought a house three years ago and renovating). Which I was neutral about the whole idea, but as a couple or more weeks have went by it has gotten on my nerves her coming home late and doesn’t really want anything to do with me.
> She was sheltered by her parents and never really had a true boyfriend before me, and I fear she has awoken that part of her that wants to see what else is out there (so to speak). She has no problem meeting him for walks, watching movies online together (he streams it from his laptop or something) or texting back and forth. I have been more than polite about asking about where they go to walk etc, and it usually irritates her but not to the point of anger. The red flag for me has been that the last two weeks she completely hides or keeps her phone on her even when she sleeps (puts it under the pillow on the charger).
> 
> *Bud, they are dating. Stop being so naive.*
> ...


“Just a friend“ is the biggest lie told. A blind person could see what’s going on here. Wake up!!!!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I’ve always read stories on dating and marriage forums and I never thought I’d be posting about my own issues. I’m sort of at a loss for what I think is going on in our marriage and wanted to hear your opinions and thoughts.
> 
> ...


What she's doing looks like she is dating him. It's completely unacceptable.

You really need to tell her that you are not ok with their friendship or the state of your marriage. No sex for 3 years? That's not acceptable at all. You two are really in need of marriage counseling.

There is a good book that would benefit both of you: *





Amazon.com: Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Audible Audio Edition): Shirley P. Glass Ph.D., Jean Coppock Staeheli, Laural Merlington, Brilliance Audio: Audible Audiobooks


Amazon.com: Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Audible Audio Edition): Shirley P. Glass Ph.D., Jean Coppock Staeheli, Laural Merlington, Brilliance Audio: Audible Audiobooks



www.amazon.com




*
They are clearly "not just friends".

It sounds like she does not have a job. Why doesn't she have a job?


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You haven't had sex in three years, but you got married six months ago??

Can you get it annulled?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Someone OBVIOUSLY needs to read the "No More Nice Guy" book a few times until it clicks.

Jeez OP, do you also throw yourself to the ground when she comes home so she can wipe her feet on your back? I'm just going to say it. For a lot of women, a wimpy, needy pushover is NOT in the least bit attractive.

Not even a little.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's pretty obvious your wife has a boyfriend. I can't imagine why you would have gone through with the wedding when your sex life was so non existent but here you are. If it were me I'd tell her she can keep the boyfriend and I hope they have a nice life together. Go find someone who you can love who loves you back and having a real relationship with that person that includes sex. You'll be much happier, trust me.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I’ve always read stories on dating and marriage forums and I never thought I’d be posting about my own issues. I’m sort of at a loss for what I think is going on in our marriage and wanted to hear your opinions and thoughts.
> 
> ...


Be a man.

Tell her you do not appreciate her interacting with and spending so much time with another man.
Tell her this is a deal breaker issue. She is having an emotional affair...at least a mild one. This hurts you, this is hurting your marriage, she needs to cut him 100% out of her life.
If she does not separate and begin divorce proceedings.
If she wakes up and realizes she wants a healthy marriage....she wants to put your heart and the relationship first and cuts him out....disaster averted, if she just keeps on seeing him and puts some guy "pal" above the marriage and does it anyway even though she knows it is hurting you....divorce her.

If you want a marriage to be strong it must have STRONG BOUNDARIES. Marriages do not protect themselves from a sleazy world you both have to proactively protect it from an "anything goes" society that emphasizes to do anything you feel like, screw anyone who tells you you "can't" do something. Marriage means YOU are her number one man and priority, not 18-20 hours a week....wine dates with ANOTHER MAN.

Man up dude. Make a stand.

Follow your gut. It is fishy.
Do something about it today.
She needs to know...if she keeps this "friend".....hours and hours per week, drinking wine....without you around....the marriage is over.
Set the boundary. Keep it.....even if it means divorce.
That is how serious this is.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd normally say to take swift action to get back into the game.
This one isn't even worth the effort.
Get some legal advice and move for an annullment.
She's moved on. You need to do the same.


----------



## FreeSpirit1990 (Apr 18, 2020)

To answer some questions:
We have had sex in the last three years, but only once every few months or so and seemed to lead to argument. My old job sucked, and I had to work crazy hours which led to getting home late; I have a high sex drive but when I’m physically exhausted I’m out. We had a great time on our honeymoon, but it isn’t a reality to be on an island living the dream for the rest of our lives. 
She also went on the Nuvaring about 5 years ago, and her sex drive plummeted. She went off of it for roughly a year and it remained low. After a while of trying to initiate things to no more than kissing or extended make out session, and I literally had to do everything I just grew tired of all the effort on my part. It made me feel like she was doing it just to “do it” not because she truly wanted to. 

I went through her messages to the dance guy last night, and seemed like their conversations were pretty lame (not to say there is or were another chat somewhere else that I didn’t see). He is a huge fan of a fantasy game called dungeons and dragons and was trying to recruit her to play; he wore Celtic type clothes and a cape to their last walk 😂. I also might add that the dance studios policy is that he is strictly not allowed to have friendships with students outside of work. 
Even if he isn’t interested in a relationship, it seems she definitely is no matter what she is telling me. She does love the fact that they both share the same political views, and has expressed that to me. We differ on those types of things but we never argue about it.

100% agree that she is in a type of emotional relationship. I think she is in denial that she is. Maybe I have witnessed her red flags over the last few years and just didn’t think it could ever happen to us, or think that one or the other would stray. It also sucks that I’m the one working all week to come home and do all of the chores, I guess I’ve grown accustom to it and never have it much thought other than every weekend I feel like I’m playing catch up for the next week. 
She typically works four days a week; Monday Tuesday Wednesday and every other Sunday. She is a speech pathologist and works with stroke patients, and lately has told me that she has a lot of trouble mentally when patients that she has met have passed away wether they were her patient or not. I personally don’t think she likes her job now, but if she were to change careers she would have to go back to school to do something else in the medical field (or something not medical field).

To me I would think on thursdays or fridays when she is home she could do the dishes or small things around the house. Instead I come home and she’s been on the couch all day and hasn’t touched a thing. I know it is her own free time, but I would think in a relationship we should help each other out. Not push everything on the other (me), and then complain I’m always busy.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This is an emotional affair. She is also in denial. First, cut him off. Complain to the dance studio that he is being inappropriate with your wife. Then you tell her that she is in an affair, and that you are unwilling to share her with another, so she is to go to him. You need to confront her, and to motivate her to fix whatever damage appears to be rolling around in her skull. TBH I have seen your wife before. I have problems with women who come out of nowhere with a new found hobby or interest. Go all in to the exclusion of all else, and say it awakened something inside of them. That is my big red flag. Essentially that is what your wife has done, and the dance guy is her new suitor in that world. Nip this now. If you are disposed toward keeping your marriage, and that hinges on what, if anything, she has done with dancing boy, then you need to bring the hammer down on this right now.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She works 4 days/wk and you're doing all the chores and renovating the house? Cut her loose. You have a parasite - not a partner.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A sexless marriage is considered to be one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times a year. You are in a technically sexless marriage.

If your wife's sex drive has plummeted, there are things that she could do to fix that. Loss of sex drive is a potential side effect of Nuvaring.

I've played Dungeons and Dragons. It can be fun. We had a weekly game setup for a while with your children. It gets very involved. "he wore Celtic type clothes and a cape to their last walk".. 😅😂🤣 Is he 10 years old? That's the sort of thing my kids used to do when they were in elementary school.

Your relationship does not sound healthy at all. You should not be doing all the housework, etc. It's not about the fact that you are a man, it's that you both have equal responsibility to keep up your home, cook, shop, etc. If she's not doing those things, she's not contributing as she should be around the house. And, if you work longer hours than she does, then she should take up more of the house work to take some burden off you. 

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing things that you both enjoy? What sorts of things do you do together?


----------



## expat_uae (Feb 26, 2017)

It seems that she is findings soul mate in the dance instructor.

Rather than being confrontational about this l, why don’t you join in on the hikes? Or say to her in a nicer way it would be great seeing different parts of the US and go hiking together ? Then see what reaction you get.

But for me it would be totally unacceptable for my wife to spend this much time with another guy. A couple of times a month no issue but the amount you describe would be a big no.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> To answer some questions:
> We have had sex in the last three years, but only once every few months or so and seemed to lead to argument. My old job sucked, and I had to work crazy hours which led to getting home late; I have a high sex drive but when I’m physically exhausted I’m out. We had a great time on our honeymoon, but it isn’t a reality to be on an island living the dream for the rest of our lives.
> She also went on the Nuvaring about 5 years ago, and her sex drive plummeted. She went off of it for roughly a year and it remained low. After a while of trying to initiate things to no more than kissing or extended make out session, and I literally had to do everything I just grew tired of all the effort on my part. It made me feel like she was doing it just to “do it” not because she truly wanted to.
> 
> ...


Yeah, what Taxman said. 
Report him to the studio that he is having contact with your wife.....waaaaay too much contact and tell them you want it to be stopped. 
On top of YOU insisting on no contact by confronting your wife.


----------



## FreeSpirit1990 (Apr 18, 2020)

Sorry for the late reply, and thank you guys for chiming in I really appreciate it.
Yesterday when she came home from work her parents called her and wanted to see if we could come over and “social distance” have dinner outside etc. She blew up and became upset, thinking they were going to corner her about running around with the dance instructor (as I’ve talked about earlier in this thread) even as just friends.

After an hour or so of her arguing with her parents she said that it was my fault that I have made her feel like she can’t be herself and go to dance classes and dance with the instructors there. I had offered Saturday to take classes with her whenever businesses open back up if that would help our marriage and also to make her happy.
She thought it was a bad idea and that she wouldn’t want to waste time helping me learn when my heart isn’t really in to dancing. I asked her to just tell me what she really wants from me, or where she sees herself in a few years with a response if I don’t know. She tells me that she loves me with all of her heart but doesn’t know if she wants to stay married and that she’s been unhappy for ten years because she doesn’t have friends of her own, and that it’s not ok that all of her friends were mine first. (Where does a person begin to think like this?)
I told her that if she didn’t want to be married that I would fill out the dissolution, and she completely fell apart. She wants to travel to all of the places we have talked about (off-roading trips out west etc) and argues she wants to do things with me and go places, but she says she isn’t sure about being married?

I feel like a pretty bulletproof and highly positive person, but when I asked her to decide yes or no, she told me that it would have to wait until after the coronavirus things that are going on at the hospital for her to think clearly to decide. I think she is acting like she is the only person in the world that sees people die in a hospital and that is only affecting her.
I think I would have emotionally handled her telling me she hates my guts and wants a divorce instead of the above remark.

I have suggested going to a counselor or therapist and refused both. I wouldn’t be where I am or we are today without her, and I’m willing to fight through anything; however I think I’ve given her plenty of opportunities and time to talk, and the only thing to hold in the wind is a dissolution or to go to a counselor.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> Sorry for the late reply, and thank you guys for chiming in I really appreciate it.
> Yesterday when she came home from work her parents called her and wanted to see if we could come over and “social distance” have dinner outside etc. She blew up and became upset, thinking they were going to corner her about running around with the dance instructor (as I’ve talked about earlier in this thread) even as just friends.
> 
> After an hour or so of her arguing with her parents she said that it was my fault that I have made her feel like she can’t be herself and go to dance classes and dance with the instructors there. I had offered Saturday to take classes with her whenever businesses open back up if that would help our marriage and also to make her happy.
> ...


Yeah, who doesn't want to be married to that. 
A spouse that doesn't even know if they want to be married to you.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> Sorry for the late reply, and thank you guys for chiming in I really appreciate it.
> Yesterday when she came home from work her parents called her and wanted to see if we could come over and “social distance” have dinner outside etc. She blew up and became upset, thinking they were going to corner her about running around with the dance instructor (as I’ve talked about earlier in this thread) even as just friends.
> 
> After an hour or so of her arguing with her parents she said that it was my fault that I have made her feel like she can’t be herself and go to dance classes and dance with the instructors there. I had offered Saturday to take classes with her whenever businesses open back up if that would help our marriage and also to make her happy.
> ...


Brother, the only thing the would help is you agreeing to share your wife sexually with another man, or getting a divorce. 

You do understand that. Do you also understand that everything she is saying is complete and total ********? 

Going to a counselor just gives her someone else to listen to her blaming her affair on you. 

I don't think you have much to work with here, do you???


----------



## FreeSpirit1990 (Apr 18, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Brother, the only thing the would help is you agreeing to share your wife sexually with another man, or getting a divorce.
> 
> You do understand that. Do you also understand that everything she is saying is complete and total ********?
> 
> ...


I think you are right, and yes I feel like she gave me a BS answer. I guess I’m having a hard time with it because I picture in my mind how I would feel if I fed her a line like that; I wouldn’t is the fact.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> She blew up and became upset, thinking they were going to corner her about running around with the dance instructor (as I’ve talked about earlier in this thread) even as just friends.
> 
> After an hour or so of her arguing with her parents she said that it was my fault that I have made her feel like she can’t be herself and go to dance classes and dance with the instructors there. I had offered Saturday to take classes with her whenever businesses open back up if that would help our marriage and also to make her happy.
> She thought it was a bad idea and that she wouldn’t want to waste time helping me learn when my heart isn’t really in to dancing. I asked her to just tell me what she really wants from me, or where she sees herself in a few years with a response if I don’t know. She tells me that she loves me with all of her heart but doesn’t know if she wants to stay married and that she’s been unhappy for ten years because she doesn’t have friends of her own, and that it’s not ok that all of her friends were mine first. (Where does a person begin to think like this?)


She is DEEP in the fog -- that's why she is acting like this. She doesn't want to give up the OM, doesn't want her parents to judge her and make her feel guilty, and doesn't want YOU coming along and messing things up by going to dance class.
She is re-writing your history to justify this cheating in HER mind (I was unhappy for so long, HE drove me to it by not allowing me to have friends, etc.).
She wants YOU to hang around as plan B until she is sure of this dance guy.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> I think you are right, and yes I feel like she gave me a BS answer. I guess I’m having a hard time with it because I picture in my mind how I would feel if I fed her a line like that; I wouldn’t is the fact.


You W answer was no answer. You are still in limbo. You W has been unhappy for 10 years? When did your W plan on telling you? Your W is re-writing marital history to make you look like the bad guy. Draw up a resolution and hand it to her. Happiness is not always on the other side of the fence.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She's not having sex with you and is actively dating another guy right in front of you.

If that's not screaming at you that this is over, I don't know what is. It's over. Walk away.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Wow!
I don't know you, but I'd be packing her bags and let her know we are over. 
She has it so easy, you work, provide a safe home for her, give her space to do whatever she wants to do. On top of that she has a boyfriend. Are you her husband or her father?

I feel she's using you. She doesn't want to lose what you're providing for her. She tells you she doesn't know if she wants to be married to you. She wants to wait to make a decision and keeps you hanging with a little string of hope. Don't you see she's manipulating you? You barely have sex with her. What are you to her??

This is ridiculous and you are not getting mad at all?!?!? 

You need to find your pride and self love. Wake up and put an end to this cheating game.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Marduk said:


> She's not having sex with you and is actively dating another guy right in front of you.
> 
> If that's not screaming at you that this is over, I don't know what is. It's over. Walk away.


OP this is actually what is going on, you need to file for divorce NOW... Call a lawyer.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

so, you are working on your new house after coming from work, and during that time she goes for long walks with another man?

Come on, you know that this is not right.

You settled, you have married a woman at the time when it was already obvious the spark is gone. You went with the flow, maybe you put your head in sand when you married her. Time to unsettle. I do not think you will ever get what you need out of this relationship.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

In haven’t read the whole thread yet but why are you letting your wife date??


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ok now that I’ve read it... why are you letting her call the shots?? No answer IS an answer! Stop putting control of your own life in someone else’s hands. Women despise weak men, and you just sitting there waiting for her to choose you (which she won’t) is the ultimate display of weakness. 

Your wife is cheating on you and she isn’t even sorry. Yet there you sit. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Oh I forgot to mention she's not sure if she wants to be married to you, but she's pretty sure about her relationship with her dance teacher. She's so sure she's defending her "friendly" relationship in front of her parents.

I don't know what more proof do you need to realize she's not that into you anymore. She's disrespecting you. Don't let her use you.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FreeSpirit1990 said:


> I think you are right, and yes I feel like she gave me a BS answer. I guess I’m having a hard time with it because I picture in my mind how I would feel if I fed her a line like that; I wouldn’t is the fact.


You need to man up and blow up her world.
Lawyer up, and have her served.
If you can stage it, have her served at her "Dance lesson."
That'll be a buzz kill for her.
Study up on the 180. Give it to her HARD and COLD.
Get some really nice Hefty heavy duty bags and pack her crap.
Have it staged by the front door for her.
Tell her that you are done, and summarily dismiss her.
You probably can't legally kick her out, but she can sleep on the couch or a spare bedroom (if you have one.)
As far as your bedroom, she will have no access because you will have gone down to the hardware store, purchased and installed a keyed lock on the door.
Demonstrate a veneer of indifference towards her. All communication should be short and to the point. Be civil, but keep conversation focused and to a minimum.
As for the annulment or divorce, only you can decide that. However, you will quickly see what you have. All I have to say is if you stay together, make sure it is on your terms and that you include all the steps that are outlined on the forum (including a post nup.)
However, if you're smart, you will just move on.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She's acting l


FreeSpirit1990 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I’ve always read stories on dating and marriage forums and I never thought I’d be posting about my own issues. I’m sort of at a loss for what I think is going on in our marriage and wanted to hear your opinions and thoughts.
> 
> ...


If you are not a man to her, why would she see you has her man? 
You lack self-respect, self-love and being a doormat is the *last *thing (not only she) but any woman wants.

That said, I'm not justifying her teenage-behaviour but get your act together because you've been putting with a lot of crap from her. As long as you tolerate,it why wouldn't she do what she actually does?

She's dating someone else right in-front of your eyes and you simply feel powerless to stop it. 

Either give her *an ultimatum NOW* or enjoy watching them together!


----------

