# Does it seem like he wants to move in with me because it is convenient for him?



## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months. We are not living together at this point. I know he would like to but I'm not ready for that just yet. He actually moved in with me about 3 months into the relationship. We ended up breaking up after 5 months of living together and him moving back to his other place due to a big issue we had and one which broke my complete trust. We were broken up for approx. 4 weeks and have been back together now say 6 weeks.

His mother his coming from overseas to live in June (another 5 -6 months) and she will be living in the house he rents. Upon getting back together with each other I did explain to him that due to the severity of the initial relationship issue which caused my trust to plummet to zero that I wanted to take things more slowly this time which includes dating each other for a year before I would consider another living arrangement. That would mean we would revisit this at the end of this year.

Today he suggests we give the living together thing another go in six months time when his mother arrives and can take over the rental. I told him I wasn't ready for that to happen so soon and I still wanted to give it the rest of the year to see how our relationship goes. He then said to me that if I don't want to live together by the time she arrives that he is going to look for a new place to live on his own and that he isn't prepared to live with his mum and then if he does take out a new lease it means it will be quite a while before we can ever get to that point of living together.

It sounds to me that he is rushing me along to suit his predicament with his living arrangements with his mum and I really feel that he is pushing for this because of his situation and convenience for him.

I suggested he would only have to share with her for 6 mths until we got to the end of the year and surely she can't be that bad too be around but he isn't happy about it. 

Opinions?


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## haveandhold (Jan 15, 2018)

lululu said:


> due to a big issue we had and one which broke my complete trust.


You seem uncomfortable to share what happened here. However if it is big enough to completely break your trust, then it sounds pretty important to me. Can you tell us so that we can accurately gauge the health of this relationship.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Too much drama, move on. 

And if even he won't live with his mum then you are potentially entering into a toxic family. Life is too short for that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off, living together outside of a committed relationship is absurd, so that’s my stance on that. Setting that aside...

How old are you guys?

Yes, what he did to break your trust will help us in our advice. If you are willing to share...

He may just simply be feeling like six months is probably sufficient to rebuild to that point. It really is a decent amount of time. What about the year time frame makes you more comfortable? I mean, there are TWO of you in this relationship...what does HE want, and does that matter to you?

Relationships have a decent amount of comprises. Could you agree on 9 months perhaps?


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

He kept the fact that he had a drinking issue from me and that he had relapsed.

He is attending AA meetings and hasn't touched a drop for 2 months now and I can see he is really trying but it really broke my trust and although we are working through things, I don't think it would be wise for us to move back in together so soon.

I love him and I have hope in my heart for us and I see so many good qualities we have together as a couple. However we aren't completely compatible and I notice those things too, I would be a fool to ignore them as its an important part of anyone's relationship and that you should be mostly in tune with each other. Its important to look at these things during our time together so that we are both making the right decision for our individual selves, our life and that of our children's (he has 2 young kids from previous relationship, they are 5 and 6 and I have one 6yr old). Just because we are in love doesn't mean we are right for each other and this is why the most responsible thing to do is for us to date each other for an extensive amount of time to see if our lifestyles, values, morals, personalities, communication styles, behaviours and day to day living line up most of the time which they should, if they are not lining up then time will show that up. 

We rushed everything the first time and it probably wasn't the wisest thing we ever did. I realize now that dating and being in a relationship are supposed to be taken slowly so we can determine if we are a good fit. I just want to be careful with what we are doing and don't see the need to rush through it. I want to get to know him better and a whole year will give me a fantastic snapshot of that. The year will show me his personality in depth, it will show me how he handles stress and difficult situations, it will show me how he manages his sobriety and relapses, it will show me if our parenting styles are a close match, it will show me how he communicates on an emotional level, it will show me his maturity levels, it will show me his commitment & dedication, it will show me how he handles conflict, it will show me if he values me, it will show me how he handles criticism, it will show me the level of respect he has for me, it will show me if he is moody and aggressive and last but not least it will show me if we are financially compatible, very important to be on similar levels, it makes it hard to have a healthy relationship if our budgeting skills are very different or if one of us is always struggling to pull money together for stuff, saving for things. Its important to me that we be able to afford a family lunch or dinner out once a month as a treat. I've thought very deeply about this. I'm not sure he is though, I guess he wouldn't because he wasn't the one that got burnt...


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

He is 38 and I am 44.

I really gave him the best of my love the first time we were together, I was giving my all because I trusted him 100% until I found out that I couldn't trust him due to him keeping that secret. During that time together he eventually did admit after the breakup that he had become complacent and took my love for granted and during the time we were together there were times I had felt that his commitment level to the relationship was below mine. The relapse also affected his behaviour - personality wise and financially.

During that time I was caring for his kids like they were my own, feeding them, being financially responsible to some degree for them on the weekends he would have them and they were over my place which was every second weekend sometimes there were times where we had them 3 weekends in a row with no break. I would shower them, help dress them, bought them treats, scooters and clothes. I put in a lot of effort and got burnt by the fire and it will take a while for me to heal and recover from that hence why I don't want to jump back into the same scenario again so soon. I guess its my self protective mechanism kicking in.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Spicy said:


> First off, living together outside of a committed relationship is absurd, so that’s my stance on that. Setting that aside...
> 
> How old are you guys?
> 
> ...


wants to move in with me because it is convenient for him?

He is 38 and I am 44.

I really gave him the best of my love the first time we were together, I was giving my all because I trusted him 100% until I found out that I couldn't trust him due to him keeping that secret. During that time together he eventually did admit after the breakup that he had become complacent and took my love for granted and during the time we were together there were times I had felt that his commitment level to the relationship was below mine. The relapse also affected his behaviour - personality wise and financially.

During that time I was caring for his kids like they were my own, feeding them, being financially responsible to some degree for them on the weekends he would have them and they were over my place which was every second weekend sometimes there were times where we had them 3 weekends in a row with no break. I would shower them, help dress them, bought them treats, scooters and clothes. I put in a lot of effort and got burnt by the fire and it will take a while for me to heal and recover from that hence why I don't want to jump back into the same scenario again so soon. I guess its my self protective mechanism kicking in.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I have two concerns. First, I catch a smell of him using you. He clearly doesn't want his mother living with him and he wants to use your place as an alternative.

The other concern is his alcoholism and recent relapse. Is this really the best you can do? It's sad to say it, but he's seriously flawed and you're taking a big risk here. Why is he worth taking such a big risk on, especially since you've already witnessed him failing you once?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think he's trying to manipulate you into living together. Him saying that he will have to find another place to rent once his mom gets here is bull ****. Why can't he find his mom a place to rent/why can't she find her own place to rent once she arrives? There is no reason he will need to move and sign another long term lease.

Don't give in, your concerns are valid and you need to trust your judgement on this, he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is trying to pressure you and that's so wrong. If he is so desperate not to live with him mum for a few months, then he is free to get another place, but it shouldn't change what you want. It will give you more breathing space. Stick to what you want and do not be pressured. 
To be honest he sounds like trouble. I would never be with a man who has a bad drinking problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's come up with an excuse to move back in and he's pushing hard to convince you. Don't fall for it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Addiction messes people up. It also messes their relationships up. I've known a few addicts who have been sober for years. All of them will tell you that you should never get into a relationship with an addict who hasn't been 100% clean for _at least_ 3 years. A newly in-recovery addict, including one fresh off a recent relapse, is still messed up. And just because they're no longer drinking/using, does not mean that they have healed. It can take years for the brain chemistry to return to something closer to normal. And then they often are still beset with whatever issues they were self-medicating for to begin with. A lot of addicts start as a really crappy coping mechanism for their other issues, which are still there and still need coping with after the addict is in recovery for their addiction. Nothing about a freshly in-recovery addict makes them a good bet for a healthy relationship.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

End this now. You have a child who is far more important than anything else you could possibly want in life. Inviting the presence of an addicted person into your life like this is a recipe for disaster. All of your concerns are your guts and experience telling you how wrong this whole thing is.

Cut ties now and move on. You can love him from afar. 

And for future relationships, give it at least 2 years of dating before any major commitments.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

He is suggesting you change the schedule you already told him you wanted. In my opinion the instant he did that you should have given him the boot.

This is my opinion:

He’s testing to see how easy it is for him to manipulate you into changing your mind. If he gets you to give up on this, he will push for something else. Before long you will realize no decision of yours matters at all. Whatever you decide or want, he is going to overrule you and get what he wants.

This is your home. It’s a big deal. It will be a major coup for him in his campaign to crush your disgusting attempt to show independence.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I do think that part of his motive for wanting to move back in with your is that it's easier than getting another place for himself.

You have told him your boundary. He is pressuring you with threats of ending your relationship if you do not let him move back in. Basically he does not respect you. If you give into his pressure on this, he will have no respect for you at all going forward. It will teach him that you do not mean what you say and that he can manipulate you.

This is a very common tactic of an alcoholic. They seek out partners that they can push around emotionally. This allows them to control the entire relationship and for them to continue their addiction to alcohol. Do not give into this. 

You set your boundaries. Stand by them. Let him learn that when you say something, you mean it. It will be good for both of you.

Dating is a time to find out if he's the right match for you. So far it's not going well. He's an alcoholic. Just because he tells you that he has not been drinking for the last couple of months does not mean he's no longer an alcoholic. Once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic. It's a mind set.

Get the book "Codependent No More". It talks about how not to let yourself be manipulated by an alcoholic.

Codependency is when you put the needs of someone else ahead of your own to your own determinate. It's profoundly emotionally unhealthy.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Don't do it. Sooo many red flags that I will not repeat here because the other posters have itemized them. He's an adult. A big boy. Let him figure out his life before you get entangled in that mess again.

Nope, nope, and HELL NOPE.


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

Hello. My take on this. Some addictions are stronger than love. No matter how many ultimatums you create, you will be disappointed.
The only person you can change is YOU! You cannot make anybody stop doing anything.
Alcoholism is a life long battle with many upon many relapses. Everyone carries a bag of something they are not proud of, his happens
to be Alcohol. 
My wife and I quit smoking 4 years ago only to catch her smoking on the front porch again. I was mad, but that didnt change 
anything. I can support her, but I cannot stop her.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Luckily for me i dumped his ass 6 days ago


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

lululu said:


> Luckily for me i dumped his ass 6 days ago


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Good for you.

And don't worry, there are plenty of other great dysfunctional guys to get to know later.

No hurry. Get to know yourself and your new freedom.

Be well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Excellent!!


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