# Please, please Help!



## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

Hi everyone, I need advise, help, SUGGESTIONS, honestly, just feedback period! Here goes:

Ive been married to one of my best friends since 2005. Before marriage, we were together since 2002. 

Until the last couple of years, the marriage was always wonderful. Because of our jobs, we started to to see less of one another during the week. And the weekend, he spent time with his friends or NFL football games and tailgating.. We stopped having sex..For a awhile, I didnt know why, I thought it was me. But he insisted that it wasnt. So I finally talked him into going to see a doctor. The doctor didnt find anything wrong, but nothing still changed until about a yr and half without having the sex or any kind of intimacy. He finally confest and said that he was having trouble with getting hard and that he was going to seek medication. A couple more months went by, no change. Throughout the whole time, I suggested counseling and and for him to see another doctor. And that I would support him. He refused both! 

I ran into a old class mate, and we decide to keep in touch..(Big mistake, I know) we started talking through email and then it moved to the phone. We would about our marriages and the things that were going wrong. More like support for one another. The more and more my husband wasnt there, the more this old friend was.. One weekend I decided that I just needed to get away, and breath and get mind mind together. Well that same weekend, the old friend decided to do the same, so we went on a weekend trip together.. (Huge mistake).. One thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together.. (my stupidity).. I didnt tell my husband at the time, but he had some kind of feeling that something was going on.. Me and the old friend, still talked, but we realized that having sex with one another and that the trip was a huge mistake..so we backed off from one another..

A couple months went by, still no change between me and my husband. I decide that maybe if I should moved out, and that it would get his attention and make things better..When I told my husband that I was going to move out because our relationship wasnt going anywhere and that he wasnt trying to work with me nor seek any kind of conseling..He pleaded and said that he would try..he also asked me about the trip and asked if I had every cheated.. I came clean and told him everything. He said he respected me for coming clean and wanted to go forward with working things out. Months went by and still no change, nor did he seem interested in any marriage conseling.. so I decided to go forward with moving out to see if that would change things.. 

I moved out, me and my husband still talked on a daily. Still no sex, nor tying to seek conseling.. So me and my old friend started talking again, we hooked up one night and had sex again..

Moving forward, about 5 months later, I found out that I was pregnant. I was 5 months pregnant when I found out. The first person I told was my husband. His responds was, was I going to get an abortion because he wasnt raising another mans child. At five months pregnant, it was to late for an abortion. My husband was so hurt, and I was just as hurt because all this was my fault. Throughout the pregnancy, my husband would call and check on me, but nothing more and nothing less.. 

After giving birth to my son, he came by to visit. He would even still call and check on me.. My son is now 5 months, and still calls me every morning and even wants me to call and let him know I made it home at night. He says he loves me, but could never raise another mans child because it would remind him of me cheating while we were still married.. He says he loves me to death and will always be there for me..and that he has forgiven me..

I love this man to death, and I feel so guilty! It hurts so bad!! I wake up crying and go to bed crying..I dont know what to do? I made a HUGE mistake, and I know this.. Im not pointing fingers at him, nor am I saying any of this is his fault.. I know we all make our on choices, and I made the worst.. Please anyone who has been through something like this with a postive outcome..Please give me advise on how to get this man back or what should I do from here? Or any man who has been through this, what would it take for your wive to win you back..Please help!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It sounds to me like your husband is more interested in being friends than a husband. While the cheating was a huge betrayal and this is a mess, I don't know if anyone could call it a surprise. Years of a sexless marriage take their toll.

If you did win him back, and the relationship was exactly the same - friends but no intimacy - would you be happy?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your husband has made it clear what he wants--he does not want to raise another man's child. So you need to accept that.

Youguys are separated and living apart and you had a married man's baby (a married man who is NOT your husband).

What happened with the married man? Does his wife know??? 

If your husband doesn't want to be with you anymore, you must accept that. File for divorce and move on with your lives.

Him not having sex with you is bad. An affair is bad. A child resulting from said affair = the worst possible outcome, IMO.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

and what's exactly the role of ur child father in this mess do u still on contact does he see his child or help u through pregnancy and birth ????


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

My son's father is divorced..when I found out I was pregnant by him..I was so hurt that I hurt my husband and angry that I let the relationship get this messy.. I have no feeling for my son's father, nor do I care for his help with my son. He's tried to be there for my pregnancy, but I didnt want him around. I did let him be a part of the birth, but thats it. We dont talk!! I dont want my husband to think that I'm lying to him..so I dont have any involvement with anyone of the opposite sex. 

My husbands family is still in the picture..His mom calls and checks on me..His aunts come and get my son. Like I said, we too still talk daily and when he dosent hear from me, he blows up my phone. He lets me know where he's going and so forth and lets me know what's going on in his life. I keep him posted as well..

I dont know if I should mention counseling again, or is there just no hope...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does your husband's family know the child is the other man's? If not, you need to be honest with them as that is a pretty big lie if they think the baby is your husband's when it's not. 

Did the OM divorce because of the affair and your subsequent pregnancy? 

You coul offer MC to your husband though I'm not sure how much good it will do. He has made it crystal clear he wants no part in raising another man's child.

I would get individual counselling for yourself to help you deal with the fall out of your marriage, the affair, the baby produced from it, and your guilt. I cannot even fathom how much guilt and remorse you must have over all of this.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I hope that you have contacted the OM's spouse. In addition, I do hope the OM's name is on the birth certificate and that the OM is paying child support.

I do not mean to be harsh but why or why would you not have used birth control protection of some sort? Surely you must have known that this was a possibility by having unprotected sex.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bryanp said:


> In addition, I do hope the OM's name is on the birth certificate and that the OM is paying child support.


:iagree:

OM should to be held financially responsible for his child, NOT your husband.


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

Yes, My husbands family knows the truth..But they also know how my husband is. And they try not to get in our business..

At the time, I was on birth control..On the pill..Had missed a couple weeks, but didnt think that it would get me pregnant..

My son's father was already in the middle of the divorce before I became pregnant..


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

I have never asked my husband to help me with anything regarding my son. I try not to even bring him in the picture. We do still help each other out financially, and we still have bills together that we pay.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Is the OM's name on the birth certificate and is he paying you child support?


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

watever happens with your H, there is no excuse for A. you must divorce him before slept with other man. you sold yourself to OM and got pregnant and you are happy and made no abortion. what a mess. sorry for you.


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Is the OM's name on the birth certificate and is he paying you child support?


He's not paying child support yet, but I did file.. His name is not on the BC yet..IN MY STATE..if married, the husband goes on the BC until a test is done to prove other...Now that I filed, a paternity test will be done, and I can get the BC changed..My husband knows about this as well..I have been complete honest with him about everything..Even my son's father being there for the birth. 

I realized that I made the biggest mistake ever and that it may be impossible to fix it. But Im willing to give all that I can to try before giving it all up.. I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, and he's still very supportive throughout everything. I dont want him back to raise my child or anything like that! I miss us, I miss him! and did way before the pregnancy. The only reason I moved out is because I thought that it would make things better..No more, no less!


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

@useable: I sense you are not fluent in English, perhaps from another country, and we might be misinterpreting this. Totally ok.

@Brooklyn: I'm so sorry to have to say this, but all of this are a result of your own actions, not the actions of your husband, who from all you have posted has a medical condition of some sort. Him not willing to go to counseling to seek help is his issue and has nothing to do with you. You made your bed, now IMO, you have to lie in it with one of the following options (given your husband does not want to raise a child that is not his own):

a. Divorce, remain friends. Hope that in time he can accept the child and perhaps move past it. Hope that he gets help for his issues, but don't dwell on it as they are HIS ISSUES.
b. Put the kid up for adoption. Unlikely given that you've had 14 months with the kid (9 womb + 5 world). Reconcile with your husband by following the wayward spouse script to the letter.
c. Remain separated but married, and either keep whoring around or become chaste and continue to push your husband towards getting help in the hopes that he accepts your child.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband demonstrated before and after your affair and pregnancy that his idea of marriage and yours was different. And he didn't seem like he was going to change. Having another man's baby isn't likely to have fixed that.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Agree. There were and still are fundamental differences between OP and her husband.

Seems it is best to cut her losses and move on w/ her life.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Please be mindful to respond to the OP rather than hi-jacking the thread.

Also, keep in mind that we have many members from other countries and cultures, so sometimes there are statements that may be lost in translation (say for example, posting invalid to mean illegitimate) 

I have seen members that have decided to stay in their marriage and raise a child from a spouse's affair as well as others that have given up their biological child because it was the only way to initiate a divorce. While it may seem unheard of in your own culture, it may be a way of life for others.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

blaming the H because of his problems and this is the excuse for her A. sorry for the H


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

I never blamed my husband for anything..I had to simply state what went wrong inorder to explain why I moved out. Believe Me Im not blaming him for my actions.. I take responsibilty for everything! 

Thanks for your honest responses..I appreciate you guys being honest and not sugercoating, but at the same time being respectful! 

I want and need the truth! so no problem at all..

Thanks So much!


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

useable said:


> blaming the H because of his problems and this is the excuse for her A. sorry for the H


@ Usable..I dont mind you being honest..but disrespectful is uncalled for..

I will not disrespect you, nso I expect the same respect from you..

Thank YOU


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Brooklyn,

So what do you think it is for your husband's non sexual drive? Is he on blood pressure medication or other medication? Not to be too personal but do you know if he relieves himself sexually in other ways or he is just totally asexual? Was he traumatized as a child? Did you ever have a positive sexual relationship with him? Did you ever notice anything odd in the past?

Good Luck.


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Brooklyn,
> 
> So what do you think it is for your husband's non sexual drive? Is he on blood pressure medication or other medication? Not to be too personal but do you know if he relieves himself sexually in other ways or he is just totally asexual? Was he traumatized as a child? Did you ever have a positive sexual relationship with him? Did you ever notice anything odd in the past?
> 
> Good Luck.


We had a strong sexual relationship..Sex was never a problem..Thats why I conforted him to see if it was me or something I did..and why I suggested seing a doctor. He not on any medication, he loves his job, and has no other stressors..He's usually an upbeat, playful fun guy..Guess thats why he has so many friends..


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This does not make sense. A happy upbeat man who has a strong sex drive does not just go cold turkey without a reason. Is it possible that he is engaged in an affair? If not, then how does he deal with his sex drive? Since the doctor cannot find a reason then it has to be something else. What reason did your husband give you for stopping sex with you? Was he intimate in other ways?


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

bryanp said:


> This does not make sense. A happy upbeat man who has a strong sex drive does not just go cold turkey without a reason. Is it possible that he is engaged in an affair? If not, then how does he deal with his sex drive? Since the doctor cannot find a reason then it has to be something else. What reason did your husband give you for stopping sex with you? Was he intimate in other ways?


Yes it confused me as well..We went from sex all the time, to no sex at all..I would ask if there was someone else, if he was still attracted to me, if I wasnt doing something and he claimed that none of that was the problem...That he has alot on his mind and not for me to worry..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to consider also posting on the Marriage Builders website because they have a forum dedicated especifically for married people with a child born from a spouse's affair. They can probably give you some ideas and support.

Can I ask you a question? If you had not gotten pregnant, would you have divorced your husband?


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

@ Morituri, No, that wasnt my intention..Me leaving my husband was to try and get his attention and to show him how fed up I was with us not moving forward. We never brought up divorce, still to this day it hasnt been brought up. I just wanted us to go through conseling so that we could fix whatever it was that he was dealing with..


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## brooklyn0415 (Sep 12, 2011)

And Thanks for your advise on posting in the Marriage Builder's site! Any advise, suggestions or Help I appreciate..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The fact of the matter is your husband has stated very clearly he refuses to raise another man's child because it reminds him of your betrayal and infidelity.

That is his choice. 

Just as it was your choice to have an affair that resulted in a pregnancy and now your 5 month old baby. 

The past cannot be undone. You are now responsible for that baby. You cannot make your husband want to work things out with you and cannot make him want to be family and be in you and your child's lives if he does not want to.

You need to accept that.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, there could be a viable medical condition to explain the drop in the male sex drive. Medications or horomone imbalance. Not producing enough testosterone...anything.

HOWEVER, a lot of the things you mentioned in your story doesn't add up. Sorry, but you're on a site where A LOT of us have been cheated on and we kinda have an internal radar that has us throwing up the BS flag when we see it. And no disrespect intented, but you took a weekend just to decompress and get your head straight and WOW! What a coincidence! The OM is doing the SAME THING TOO!!! ON THE SAME WEEKEND!!!! Throwing the BS flag. That weekend was planned from the get-go. You knew you were getting together with the guy. And you knew what was going to happen. You took your EA and made it a PA.

Also, a lot of cheaters will either move out or have the BS move out while they're in another relationship. The reason? So they can stop trying to hide their affair so much. They can continue the affair without too much interference from the spouse. So, what happened after you moved out? It wasn't a wake up call to your husband. I don't think you had your husband in mind because you slept with this guy again after you moved out.

Sorry to say this, but I have a friend that is a therapist and he does couples counseling. He's told me that out of all the couples that he's couseled that involved an affair and resulted in a child, only one couple is making a go at it. The rest ended in divorce. The odds are stacked greatly against you.

If you are getting mixed signals from your husband then you need to ask. Straight up! What's going on. Are we going to try or is it completely over. The two of you have been stringing each other along for quite some time now. So, you need to find out. Because, you have a son to raise and he needs to move on with his life.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, there could be a viable medical condition to explain the drop in the male sex drive. Medications or horomone imbalance. Not producing enough testosterone...anything.
> 
> HOWEVER, a lot of the things you mentioned in your story doesn't add up. Sorry, but you're on a site where A LOT of us have been cheated on and we kinda have an internal radar that has us throwing up the BS flag when we see it. And no disrespect intented, but you took a weekend just to decompress and get your head straight and WOW! What a coincidence! The OM is doing the SAME THING TOO!!! ON THE SAME WEEKEND!!!! Throwing the BS flag. That weekend was planned from the get-go. You knew you were getting together with the guy. And you knew what was going to happen. You took your EA and made it a PA.
> 
> ...


And that is the best post in this thread and pretty much sums it up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, you would take him back and return to a marriage of friends?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Reading through the post I see lots of projection and blameshifting going on. Affair, moving out, affair, exactly the best path to fix a relationship!!!!! It is not disrepectful to try and show you what you are saying might not be the right view on the matter. 

I'm not sure what to say? Adoption? I hope it turn out ok for you.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

Locard said:


> Reading through the post I see lots of projection and blameshifting going on. Affair, moving out, affair, exactly the best path to fix a relationship!!!!! It is not disrepectful to try and show you what you are saying might not be the right view on the matter.
> 
> I'm not sure what to say? Adoption? I hope it turn out ok for you.


well, she is never right on her stories. she is the wrong party, confirmed.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, there could be a viable medical condition to explain the drop in the male sex drive. Medications or horomone imbalance. Not producing enough testosterone...anything.
> 
> HOWEVER, a lot of the things you mentioned in your story doesn't add up. Sorry, but you're on a site where A LOT of us have been cheated on and we kinda have an internal radar that has us throwing up the BS flag when we see it. And no disrespect intented, but you took a weekend just to decompress and get your head straight and WOW! What a coincidence! The OM is doing the SAME THING TOO!!! ON THE SAME WEEKEND!!!! Throwing the BS flag. That weekend was planned from the get-go. You knew you were getting together with the guy. And you knew what was going to happen. You took your EA and made it a PA.
> 
> ...


This is EXACTLY what I was going to say and now I don't need to. People come on here and angle things to get the advice they want to hear. We've all done it. I also second the suspicion that your H may have been having an affair, or else discovered and really enjoyed porn. Him stopping sex doesn't add up either.


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