# Husband and his fetish dating sites



## Marriebelle (Nov 10, 2013)

Same ol' same ol' *sigh* I know right, it's such a common issue. If you can stomach another story please help me figuring this out since I've been at loss completely. 

Long story short. We've been together for a 5 and married for 4 or so. My husband always just loved loved loved fetish sites with dominatrixes and such. I would run into this when we used the same laptop on a trip ones but he was always majorly embarrassed about it. How ever a year or so in our marriage I started to notice he was signing up for fetish dating sites. He lied and turned 15 corners to avoid talking about it. That's where I put a key logger on his laptop and got a few passwords. He was still mostly browsing and not sending emails. I confronted him, he got his privacy back and we made a deal. Porn no problem, dating sites no. However since then sex has disappeared from our relationship and he has his fix jacking off to videos for the last couple of years. Of course I tried to do the fetish thing with him and that was fine for a bit but he says he doesn't like sex....well not with real people. Beats the crap out of me how twisted he's thinking. 

We share one gmail account for selling and buying things on Craigslist and Ebay and so on. Google apparently keeps track of you search history. I found this feature by accident looking for other settings but also found that he has been searching extensively for "Femdom singles (+ our city)" "Meeting Femdom" "Dominatrix (+our city)" and he browsed a whole series of websites. One of the sites listed a username and behold I saw him looking at a dominatrix directory in the city we live and where he travels to sometime. Now I know that my husbands explanation is BS: he was curious, he wanted to see pictures etc so I am not going to bother listing all of that. Extremely defensive and he turned this around on me, how could I snoop on him. (Well is he had bothered to log off from Google before his search it wasn't so obvious) He threw a whole tantrum about it. How could I not trust him, how could i even think yada yada. (When we fight in general he calls me mentally unstable and paranoid.) I went to bed in the end. The following morning I checked his search history (he had no idea how I found out lol) guess?.....20 min after I went to bed he googled "FemDom singles (+our city)" and "Femdom dating" and browsed 5 websites. This just broke me. We fought about it and he defended his hobby and his actions with his life and later on said he would never do it again. He would never meet one of those people because of safety alone and....aw well I don't believe him anymore period. He swore on his everything & nothing but I just gave up. I felt all my energy just drain through the floor right there and that is pretty much how it stayed from there. 

We talked about it later a few times but after some time he just blamed me and even went as far as tactics like asking me if I was cheating on him since I was so suspicious. It gets so tedious I just feel my knees buckle sometimes from going in these circles. His laptop is locked always now but I don't want to check it either. I don't look in his phone, laptop or anything even when it's right there. There is this overall fatigue since then which sometimes prevents me from taking on things I should be doing like actively pursuing better work. Talking I just gave up on. It only provokes silly conversations with my husband defending himself like a 15 year old. 

Because we don't fight about it anymore and life just has been going on he is happy in our relationship and I think he believes we both are. We look like a great couple, my husband is supportive of me, he throws me birthday surprise parties, is never stingy, we go on trips, we have many friends, everybody loves him and....we never have sex ever. 

I moved countries for my husband and I rely on him for my papers, my job here barely pays for the groceries and it's been hard for me since economy is low. For some time it felt it was going better and I thought we can live like this but I resent him even on good days, generally feel down and I lost respect for him to a certain degree. I like our lifestyle, our friends but I feel like I live with a room mate and a big elephant in the room. To be honest, I don't know if I'm actually asking for advice or just letting off steam but please share anything you like on the matter. I might just get insights.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Have you ever asked him if he has always had these desires sexually?
Have you both ever talked about sex openly?
In the beginning did you both have lots of sex?
Your husband is good in ever other way so all I could
say is don't judge him and try to get him to open
up and talk.

If you can't accept or try or deal with it,divorce him.


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## Marriebelle (Nov 10, 2013)

@nevergveup , of course. We talked about it so many times. We used to have regular sex but it died down after a few months of marriage. I do not understand your comment on trying to accept? Accept what? To have a sex starved marriage or accept my husband signing up for femdommatch and other fetish dating. For me datingsites of any kind are out of the question. My husband would break into a fit if I ever did it. What kills me is wondering what he is up to the last18 mnths. I do not check up on him anymore because I think it's unhealthy but I just don't trust him.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Addictions of any kind are relationship killers. Did you know about these fetishes before marrying him? Was there any discussion surrounding how these would be handled now that you were going to marry him?
It has been a while since then and it has now become a chronic issue that is obviously affecting your marriage. It is unacceptable. The two of you definitely need to talk this one through, as much as it hurts him to have to address it face on. BOTH the porn and the fetish sites HAVE to go. From my point of view, if there is something that has become an addiction, there is no middle ground with it. There is no 'good' amount of exposure to porn for your husband, it is fracturing your relationship with him, and he fails to see that. 

Marriage is supposed to be an institution where you spouse meets ALL of your physical needs, and you are both happy meeting them. Sex is a big part of a man's needs, and he has been seeking his sexual gratification outside of the marriage bounds. This to me is not on. But it is up to the two of you to decide what is and isn't acceptable for your own marriage and find ways to repair it. It will need a constant effort on his part to relinquish his infatuation to pornographic imagery and focus his time and effort on making you the most important thing in his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well, you could keep putting up with the lies and burying your head in the sand. Or you could get some self-respect and set AND ENFORCE clear boundaries.

If you were reading this post from another person what would you say? To all of us the answer is obvious that this isn't just a simple hobby.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My ex H is gay so I've been where you are. I kept "catching" him searching for guys on different websites, craigslist, you name it. Not to mention the porn. And our sex life was nonexistent. But we were great friends/roommates/coparents. 

It seems to me that you have 2 options:

1. Ask him for an open marriage
2. Get divorced

He's not going to change. This fetish is inside him and it won't magically go way. So you have to figure out if you can live with it and get your own needs met (open marriage) or divorce and find someone else.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Seems to me his addiction is going beyond just watching porn, since most of his searches centered on finding someone local who would dominate him.

I can see why you've lost respect for him- blaming you for invading his privacy and trying to make you feel like you're the one with the problem.

How old are you? No kids? Is a sexless marriage with a man who pays other women to act out his fetish a dealbreaker for you? If so, at least start planning for your eventual exit.


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## Marriebelle (Nov 10, 2013)

Thank you all. Pinklady, I agree and I'm stalling. Since I moved countries I have fewer friends here and most of them are mutual. We don't have kids. For those asking did I know. Yes I knew he had watched porn like most men. We Didnt have problems then. I only started checking up on him after a few times I ran into strange popups and seeing the content of his email when he left it open. By that time I had moved here. Only since 2 years I started to see how big of an issue it really was and I started to notice how much he would protect and defend it. You see I am not at all familiar with this. The term femdom was unknown to me till then and I only got to know about it when I followed his tracks. 

I know he loves me to death and if I would leave him it would devistate him but I can't hardly live for him.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

justonelife said:


> My ex H is gay so I've been where you are. I kept "catching" him searching for guys on different websites, craigslist, you name it. ...
> 
> It seems to me that you have 2 options:
> 
> ...



Those are not her only options because her situation is fundamentally different from yours in an important way: He's interested in females, and his wife is a female.

So, Marriebelle, there is another option here that is so freaking obvious that it's just screaming out. *If he's so obsessed with Femdom, have you considered dominating him yourself??*

Obviously, it won't work if you are turned off by the idea. But if you haven't tried it, then maybe it's time to learn a bit about it and give it a try. You might even enjoy it, and that would be a win-win for you both!


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## Marriebelle (Nov 10, 2013)

@Theseus. Of course I tried that too. Worked only for a little while. He went back to doing the same thing online. I couldn't care 2 cnts for it but I played along the whole game, got the outfits, did the research. He's from a culture of hypocrite double standards and I think they call it the *****-madonna syndrome or something. 

He says he is just not interested in sex but he only likes to watch it and help himself. Which for a little while I bought into till I just couldn't fit the dragging up local dominatrixes and fetish singles into that explanation. Good one though. Thanks for bringing it to the table. Might help someone else.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I was going to suggest telling him he's been a very bad boy and has to be punished and 'force' him to have sex. That might be what he wants. But since you've gone that route (it seems) and it's not working, have you thought about a sex therapist? 

So he's embarrassed. Well, you are the one person he should be able to lay it all out there without shame. Can you talk and find a compromise? Go to a dominatrix together? I learned that they often don't have sex with the guys - they just like not having control for a while - liberating for them.

In the end if you can't resolve your sexual differences, this may be one that can't be fixed.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's not going to change. It is escalating. If he hasn't cheated yet, he will definitely at some point, probably soon.

It's really all on you now. It's your life that you are leading and you are ultimately the one to make decisions about it. I doubt you want to have a lifetime of this, so file for divorce and start to work on healing.


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## Marriebelle (Nov 10, 2013)

Any MC or Couples therapy hardly work. Their success rate is not even 40%. Go to a dominatrix together? Are you for real? I don't even want an "open Marriage". I don't think that ever works for anyone. There is always one party making too many concessions in a desperate attempt. I think it's true, my husband will never change. And I don't really care about technicalities if there is actual penetration with a dominatrix and so on, it's a intimacy thing I'm not included in period. My husband tried this sophisticated approach too. "They" don't have actual sex. Yeah sure but you sit through our days together counting down till you can see you Dom again. How is that not ffin useless to anyone. He failed me in all aspects. If he would have told me from the beginning I would have never married him regardless of the comfortable life style we have now. I have no idea where he has been the last 18 months. He swears he never went anywhere but what does it mean. People lie so easily and I can never check. This is what drives me nuts. Not knowing. And the worst is that all good intentions become part of the fear. When he planned my surprise bday party and I didnt pick up on anything, thoughts of how great a liar he was started to creep up on me. Even the good gets tainted by this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I wasn't implying an open marriage - just a way to learn about his fetish beyond the books you've read. If you feel it would merely become a countdown to the next appointment then I agree there isn't anything left to do. He should not have hidden this important facet of his personality from you. Likely he wanted the respectability marriage brings but now he loves you too much to have sex with you (so weird - I 'get it' from a psych standpoint but not from a human one) and if you are convinced no amount of therapy will change that then it's time to move on.

Just throwing out ideas different from the standard "leave him" mantra.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He doesnt like sex with real people. Why in the world stay married to someone like this? What is the point? Why are you allowing yourself to take a backseat to the computer and his hand?


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## Marriebelle (Nov 10, 2013)

@EnjoliWoman, the open marriage was pitched here before so I just put that in one comment with your dominatrix-4-2 suggestion. Yaahh....maybe not. That looks good from a 'psych' point of view maybe but how is that going to look in real life? Really, think of it....Right? Indeed there is a "Leave him" mantra always with these discussions and it's kind of non-advise, I don't need a forum to come up with that one. 

Anyway thanks all of you for coming up with answers and thoughts. Really appreciate it. 

Usually I just ignore people like CoGuy and 3xNocharm (I see how you that name suits you btw) but not only are you no where constructive. Your comments are damaging to vulnerable people. And really there is a little more to marriage than just sex.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, my name DOES suit me, thats why I came up with it. If that was a dig at me, it didnt work. 

You didnt like my comment because the truth hurts sometimes. I was pointing out to you that he has told you who he is, flat out. You arent going to change who he is, which you do seem to understand. If you stay in this marriage, you have no chance at a "normal" relationship. Now, if you wish to take part in his fetish and maybe become his dom, things could be different, but I am not getting a vibe at all that you would want that. 

Yes, there IS more to marriage than sex. Like respect, intimacy, trust. You are not getting these in your marriage. You have even stated this yourself, see the bolded comments in the quote. 

You deserve better. 




Marriebelle said:


> Any MC or Couples therapy hardly work. Their success rate is not even 40%. Go to a dominatrix together? Are you for real? I don't even want an "open Marriage". I don't think that ever works for anyone. There is always one party making too many concessions in a desperate attempt. *I think it's true, my husband will never change*. And I don't really care about technicalities if there is actual penetration with a dominatrix and so on,* it's a intimacy thing I'm not included in period.* My husband tried this sophisticated approach too. "They" don't have actual sex. Yeah sure but you sit through our days together counting down till you can see you Dom again. How is that not ffin useless to anyone. He failed me in all aspects. If he would have told me from the beginning I would have never married him regardless of the comfortable life style we have now. I have no idea where he has been the last 18 months. He swears he never went anywhere but what does it mean. People lie so easily and I can never check. This is what drives me nuts. Not knowing. And the worst is that all good intentions become part of the fear. When he planned my surprise bday party and I didnt pick up on anything, *thoughts of how great a liar he was started to creep up on me. Even the good gets tainted by this.*


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Marriebelle said:


> Usually I just ignore people like CoGuy and 3xNocharm (I see how you that name suits you btw) but not only are you no where constructive. Your comments are damaging to vulnerable people. And really there is a little more to marriage than just sex.


There sure is.

One of them being able to give a straight, honest, as you see it opinion that wasn't abusive, profane, or otherwise inflammatory without fear of getting called out as being unhelpful.

When it comes to being around people who want to coddle or help me vs. people who want to be honest with me, I'll take honest every day of the week.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You don't sound vulnerable OP, not in the slightest. You sound like a person that knows exactly where she is and what she wants to do about it, and that may be nothing. You don't want pity, you don't want people telling you what to do...

Resent away. Although I can't see why you're so resentful. You accept what you're being handed when it comes to your husband. How is that on him? Is it anger with yourself here? Maybe that's it.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

You don't want an open marriage (understandable). You don't want us to tell you to leave him. What advice do you want? You can't change your husband and admit that he will probably never change. You aren't willing to try marriage counseling. So there you go. Live with him as he is or leave. What other options were you hoping for?


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