# How do I stop thinking about this?



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

For 3 months my wife's affair has been the only thing on my mind. The ONLY thing. You fellow BS's know what I'm saying. I've never thought about one thing so intensely for so long. My mind is fried.

They say the best thing is to just do the things you enjoy. Well, I'm an artist and a writer - the damn affair is the only thing I can draw or write about. I have to move soon because of this mess, so I can't really go take a class or join a group to get new interests. I have no money because of the affair too - she had to go get her own place - so going to shows isn't an option. I feel stuck in every sense. Left to sit here and think about it.

I wish she could experience this pain for ten minutes. Then maybe she'd feel remorse. That's the worst, knowing she doesn't feel remorse and I'm stuck with the wreckage of her careless, evil behavior.

I know, I can't control her and I can't let her behavior control me. But I'm still pretty early in this living hell, and only beginning to shake her out of my heart. On our wedding candle it says "And the two shall become one" - I just saw it the other day packing up our stuff, and maybe if I cut it in half I'll feel better. So hard to not let her actions hurt me, and not to think about the affair every second of the day. But I'm building that wall with one brick every day.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> For 3 months my wife's affair has been the only thing on my mind. The ONLY thing. You fellow BS's know what I'm saying. I've never thought about one thing so intensely for so long. My mind is fried.
> 
> They say the best thing is to just do the things you enjoy. Well, I'm an artist and a writer - the damn affair is the only thing I can draw or write about. I have to move soon because of this mess, so I can't really go take a class or join a group to get new interests. I have no money because of the affair too - she had to go get her own place - so going to shows isn't an option. I feel stuck in every sense. Left to sit here and think about it.
> 
> ...


I wish I could tell you how to stop thinking about it but you and I know it's not possible. Time is the healer here, just time. I am 6 months out and still think about it a lot. I will admit though we are reconciling and in a much better place. Still, It's on my mind a lot. 

You are, I assume, 3 months out, at that stage it was consuming me still, as it is you now. 

I don't think building a wall is the right way to handle it. Can you talk with a counselor, pastor? you need to talk it out with someone who can help you deal with your emotions and these feelings of hurt, rage, anger and pure raw pain.

It gets better with time, just hang on and ride it out, try to stay as busy as you can. Some people see their doctor if they are hopeless, obsessing, have anxiety etc. sometimes meds can help in this situation. 

Good luck and sorry you are here and going through this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> For 3 months my wife's affair has been the only thing on my mind. The ONLY thing. You fellow BS's know what I'm saying. I've never thought about one thing so intensely for so long. My mind is fried.
> 
> They say the best thing is to just do the things you enjoy. Well, I'm an artist and a writer - the damn affair is the only thing I can draw or write about. I have to move soon because of this mess, so I can't really go take a class or join a group to get new interests. I have no money because of the affair too - she had to go get her own place - so going to shows isn't an option. I feel stuck in every sense. Left to sit here and think about it.
> 
> ...


Like B1, I too am working on reconciliation, however the hurt is still the same. I am 8 months out and I still feel that raw pain every time I have to go to my training office and drive by the hotel where they last were. It is literally right in my face every time I get off the f'ng exit.

It's times like then that I take a deep breath and know one thing for certain: All of the stupidity and recklessness that she imbibed in had absolutely *ZERO* to do with me. She acted in a selfish way because she had some idiotic ego feed going on with the xOM. It had *NOTHING* to do with me.

I cannot and will not tell you that this is going to be easy. In fact it has been shown that living with infidelity is actually harder on the soul than even losing one's child. It is purely the most brutal assault on one's ego that you will ever undergo. I know this...I've gone through it with 2 wives. My first didn't follow the rules of no contact and I caught her in a bar with the guy less than a year after Dday and going to MC. I will never get that image out of my head...the two of them sitting on bar stools...her arm around him...their heads kind of touching as they talked. That was in 1996. I got over the pain of it, but not the images. They don't haunt me like they used to...but they're still there.

It took me 3 years before I felt I could trust someone again to start a relationship. Oh, I dated and had sex in between...but that wasn't the same. Who did I meet 3 years later? You guessed it. My wife, Regret214. Talk about having a bunch of old tapes in my head start playing!

I understand where you are right now, man. I am also a writer. I was actually in the middle of the final editing of my 2nd book back in March. I literally had just finished the dedication page...which thanked Regret for her standing by me and supporting me.

I haven't touched the book since. I really should.

I honestly think that once you move, things might be a little better. Right now you're in a place where she was. There are ghosts of memories there. For me, I sit on this couch and look across into the hallway and I know...that is where he pushed her against the wall and kissed and fondled her and she gave in to her bullsh-t ego/lust. For almost 2 years they met here.

I would like to move, too. We plan on doing just that next summer.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

I found out about my wife's affair 5 months ago to the day. We are working on reconciliation, however an endless movie goes through my head almost 24 hours a day of what happened. To make matters worse, some of it happened in our house. My wife of 6 years is doing everything she can to make things better and assure me it will never happen again. But I cannot stop thinking about what she did. I finally saw a doctor who prescribed an anti depressant and anti anxiety. Sometimes they help take the edge off. Exercise is also a great way to get the aggression out and calm down for a little bit. Other than talking to your doctor, exercising, and maybe finding a different hobby, I believe only time will and mind control attempts will stop you from constantly thinking about it. It's hard, and I'm sorry you are going through it. Good luck.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It took me four months to start taking an anti-depressant. Today is the first day I took one and I already feel much better. It's the first day I've felt normal and "right-thinking". I wish I had started months ago. Please go see your doctor straight away. 

I obsessed a lot. Like every minute of the day. Now I'm much more functional. Amazing difference so far.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Yeah I'm on medication now, started about 2 weeks after D-Day. Everyone says it gets better. I certainly hope so, cuz I feel like everything's on pause right now while I process these emotions. Horrible, just horrible.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> For 3 months my wife's affair has been the only thing on my mind. The ONLY thing. You fellow BS's know what I'm saying. I've never thought about one thing so intensely for so long. My mind is fried.
> 
> They say the best thing is to just do the things you enjoy. Well, I'm an artist and a writer - the damn affair is the only thing I can draw or write about. I have to move soon because of this mess, so I can't really go take a class or join a group to get new interests. I have no money because of the affair too - she had to go get her own place - so going to shows isn't an option. I feel stuck in every sense. Left to sit here and think about it.
> 
> ...


One thing that helped me through such period was reading various posts on TAM. That gave me huge relief, although temporarily.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

One thing that had happened to me helped me a lot. May be it happens with others too, I don't know.

Previously, the mornings were the worst. I was doing a hard 180 but every morning as I woke up I would feel like crying and calling her, trying to persuade her to come back to me. A couple of days ago, I woke up in the morning and the moment of epiphany hit me: why should I pain myself thinking of someone who doesn't love me, doesn't want to live me, and more than anything else, doesn't respect me? I deserve better, and I am not going to settle for less anymore.

Posts on TAM have helped me a lot, and so did this mantra: "I will make it."


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Force yourself to do something else besides drawing or writing about it.

Your strengths are turning into a form of wallowing.

Get out of your comfort zone, do something physical.

Take a walk, go swimming, something.

I know of what I speak. Time is only part of it. Time filled with activities and a plan on how to move forward will do it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The hard truth is it may actually never go away---it is your sub--conscious you are at war with-----hopefully you have all the details, so there are no gaps for your imagination to roam in---if you have all the details/facts---you know what you are dealing with---your sub--cons. comes after you at 3 a m when you wake up crying---when you drive by yourself--when you are in your office at work by yourself----at home alone---it is your sub--cons.----that is what you are dealing with!!!!!!

If you stay with your wife---she unfortunately will trigger you----if you rid yourself of her---then in time it will fade

You do need to do other things, to help take your mind off of what your wife has done---new hobbies, get involved in athletic activities---golf/tennis/horseback riding----just do things, that are active, that force you to concentrate on what you are doing

Reading/computer/movies---your mind will wander, back to the A.----you must make your mind concentrate on things that will occupy it

I don't understand why you say you have no money----are you paying for your wife's apartment---if so, stop----she gets half of everything, yes, but she also pays for half of all debts, including insurances, house mtg, car payments---CC's---utilities-------you should still have enuff money to live life---which is what you have to do!!!!!!!!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a year out and it does get better but!. I have been triggering the last couple of weeks due to Nov. 29th being D-day and all the other dates. Thursday Nov 15 was a year that they last had sex. So it comes back and bites you. Like I said, it gets better but this last week I have been thinking of nothing but her A.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Thorburn

Out of curiosity, did you guys stay together and work things out? And if so, how long did it take for things to be remotely normal again?


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

My first marriage was the same way. Months of focusing on it. Really, it was the most horrible time of my life.

On the image of the actual PA that may be going through your mind. It does get better with time, but not gradually at first. You may go through months with no progess, then one day it just feels slightly better. From there on, it could get gradually better.

Important - Keep telling yourself, it's not about you. Your wife was selfish and NOT thinking about you or your relationship during the act. She was wacked out in her mind - a dark hidden personality that you thought could never emerge from YOUR wife. 

Just remember, you're not alone - thousands of us out there dealing with the same thoughts and DS's.

My 1st wife was a virgin when we were married - I waited about 2 years to fulfill her desire to be married first. Then some old married guy just gets it super easy from her... 2 years into our marriage! 

That was a hard mental visual of her enjoying it. However, make it through this, and there will be very few things in life that can rattle you to your core.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Important - Keep telling yourself, it's not about you.


But make sure you examine the reasons why she may have been unhappy in the marriage. Sometimes we are not clued in to what we might have done to create an environment ripe for an affair.


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