# Wife's friendship with one of her ex's



## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

Looking for a little advice here. So I have no problem with my wife being friends with her ex. However, he is moving about 40mins away from us in a month or two and she is already planning to have him and his wife and their kid over to our house for dinner or something. We have a kid too and she is looking forward to the kids playing together. Is it wrong to feel weird and uncomfortable about hanging out with them? I told my wife that I would be a good host and everything, but I still am not looking forward to it at all. Once again, I'm not worried about her being friends with him because I trust her completely. I just don't really want to see or hang out with him. I've told her how I feel about it and I somehow feel like she's not really thrilled with my feelings towards it. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Do not allow this to happen. And perhaps check your phone bill. See if they've been communication often.
Things can ramp up very quickly.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How long have you been married? Is the ex a ex-bf or ex-husband? What was the reason your wife and her ex split? Some more details will help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I personally wouldn't have it. Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Did she even ask you about it????

How would she feel if you brought your ex in or an ex girlfriend????!


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

No way in he11. Ex's are ex's for a reason.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> Looking for a little advice here. So I have no problem with my wife being friends with her ex. However, he is moving about 40mins away from us in a month or two and she is already planning to have him and his wife and their kid over to our house for dinner or something. We have a kid too and she is looking forward to the kids playing together. Is it wrong to feel weird and uncomfortable about hanging out with them? I told my wife that I would be a good host and everything, but I still am not looking forward to it at all. Once again, I'm not worried about her being friends with him because I trust her completely. I just don't really want to see or hang out with him. I've told her how I feel about it and I somehow feel like she's not really thrilled with my feelings towards it. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.


Any ex's of yours you could invite over? >:surprise:

If you don't share any kids with the ex, why have them anywhere near your family?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would feel weird too. Mrs. Conan and I have that as one of our marital boundaries.

We are not even FB friends with exes. She allows me one from when I was 14, 30 years ago.

I would not want my wife even talking with one of her exes much less being friends with them.

If she wanted her ex beat to hell, that would be the only reason for shoving him in my face.

If you don't like it, put your foot down and expect the same boundaries from her.

How long have you been married? How long ago was she with her ex? How long was that relationship?

Why did she break up with him or did he break up with her?

Ask your wife if your exes can come over and visit with her and be around your family.

He is at least married with his own kid but I still wouldn't want any man that had romped with my wife in the past to be around her, my child or myself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Any ex's of yours you could invite over? >:surprise:
> 
> If you don't share any kids with the ex, why have them anywhere near your family?


EXACTLY!!!!


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

She doesnt call him on the phone from what i've seen. Their friends on facebook and she is pretty good about telling me when they talked about something over messenger even without me asking or anything. We have been married for 6yrs now. He's an ex-boyfriend that was head over heels for her. From what she told me, it didn't work out because she mostly saw him as a friend even though they were intimate at least once that she told me about. They used to talk a lot early in our marriage and I made it known that I didn't really like it mostly because I knew about how he felt about her. After a while, he got stationed somewhere else and got married.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Does his wife know they're communicating?

Exes have no place in a marriage.

My hb would never have one of his exes over for dinner..... that would not end well for him.

Tell her if this is how it is you'll look up a few of your exes and plan get togethers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read "Not Just Friends".

There is no good to come out of this. If you're smart you'll cut this out.

Tell her I wouldn't contact or bring an X gf into the picture. 

80% of affairs start out as friendships. 

Nothing may develope from this but if he's not in the mix it can't. 

Better wise up your gut is telling you NO!!!!! That's why you're here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cut it off. How long have you been with your wife before marrying her?


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Does his wife know they're communicating?
> 
> Exes have no place in a marriage.
> 
> ...


That was one of the things I asked too and she just assumed that he told his wife. I did ask her how she would feel if I was to put her in that situation and she said she would be fine because she trusts me. I don't think she gets that it's not a trust thing for me, it's just that I don't want to hang out with a dude she slept with. I don't understand what she doesn't get about that.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Do ya want your wife lookin at him & thinking to herself " I remember how his face looked while he launched his load"

Sorry to be so rude, but if this doesn't get nipped, you have a good chance of posting in the coping with infidelity section.

As suggested before, maybe get a few of your ex's over. At least they may distract ex bf from chasing your wife.


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Cut it off. How long have you been with your wife before marrying her?


We were together for about a little more than a year and a half


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

A couple years ago my wife's best friend (married, kid) cheated on her husband (they had marriage problems) with an ex boyfriend (also married, with kids) . She would have left her husband and moved in with ex-bf, but the ex-bf eventually decided not to leave his crying/pleading wife and kids. 

"He's an ex-boyfriend that was head over heels for her. From what she told me, it didn't work out because she mostly saw him as a friend" So, he probably still desires her and will meet her anytime your wife says yes. 

Does your wife think you and ex-bf will drink beer together and swap stories about your wife's sexual performance?

So very much not a good idea!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

StepOnRice said:


> We were together for about a little more than a year and a half


 7 year itch.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would not allow it under any circumstances (been there). As far as I'm concerned, it's him or me, end of discussion.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

StepOnRice said:


> That was one of the things I asked too and she just assumed that he told his wife. I did ask her how she would feel if I was to put her in that situation and she said she would be fine because she trusts me. I don't think she gets that it's not a trust thing for me, it's just that I don't want to hang out with a dude she slept with. I don't understand what she doesn't get about that.


You're missing the point. She doesn't need to understand. You manup and say NO. Read it for your own good.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=amL1G83OeuDIAqPYJa9OR0x7a98-


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good advice is worthless if you don't follow it. You gotten plenty. 

No one thinks it's a good idea. What's that tell you?????


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Oh and while your at it check your phone bill again.


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> You're missing the point. She doesn't need to understand. You manup and say NO. Read it for your own good.
> 
> http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=amL1G83OeuDIAqPYJa9OR0x7a98-


Link doesn't seem to be working.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

StepOnRice said:


> Link doesn't seem to be working.


Look up No More Mr Nice Guy.

Free download is available


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Worked perfectly for me


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In the meantime. Strengthen your marriage. Read some good marriage books together and try and take your marriage to the next level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Look up No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> Free download is available


Some good insights in that book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

H3ll fvcking NO. Are you mad. I would not want to see any old boyfriend my wife had before I met her. You need to nip that sh!t in the bud. Listen to your gut. Instinctively you'll want to crush anyone that had your wife. Deep in your gut you know that looking at a guy who [email protected] your wife is going to tear you up. It's not like you had his wife. 

As a matter of fact why is she even friends with him. This guy had a thing for her and that bull$hit about your wife ending it because she was seeing him more as a friend is to lull you to sleep. 

This guy banged her and would probably love another shot at her. When she sees him in person, a lot of stuff can come rushing back. I'm telling put your foot down. If not, your next thread could be in the CWI section.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, you can see the TAM advice as it's spot on. What person wants their ex in their current relationship? The reason you feel weird about it is because it seriously violates boundaries. 

Don't waffle on this. Tell your wife that any contact with exes is just too much. This isn't about controlling or jealous. Ask her why on earth she needs to be in contact with a past BF? 

Don't let her shame you as insecure, etc. You need to bite the head off this snake ASAP. Tell her you are TOTALLY not ok with it and you want her to cease contact with him. You already let this go too far by accepting her willingness to be exchanging private messages. 

Tell her she needs to respect the marriage and that by allowing another man into the mix is going to far. 

Be prepared to let the insecure, controlling, jealous, blah blah blah to go in one ear and out the other. Stand your ground. 

Don't make misteps and without your thoughts. Because your silence and not objecting is the same thing as saying YES to your wife in this matter.

REMOVE THE HEAD OF THE SNAKE. Ex bf needs to go bye-bye entirely. And tell your wife either you or him. But be ready to back it up. Continued interaction like she is doing is bonding far far beyond that which should be done when married.

I'd also try and sneak a peek at things they've exchanged in the messages. Curious if he flirts, compliments, etc. Try and snoop but don't confront or ask without any evidence as she'll hide everything. Will kill you to keep quiet but that must be done or she will delete (if not done already) stuff that currently she might be sloppy with today.

Keep us posted but don't let this drag out. Get her at dinner and ease into the conversation. "babe, you know when you asked my about ex ********* kids playing with ours, it made me realize that you too see to have way too much bonding and connection considering you are married to me. I would like that contact to end as it exceeds what I am comfortable with". Look her smack in the eyes when you say it. Don't beat around the bush. 

As some point you need to drop the "well I've decided it's got to be me or him but with you in contact with an ex bf and now wanting to spend time together tells me this is out of hand. You need to decide."


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Good advice is worthless if you don't follow it. You gotten plenty.
> 
> No one thinks it's a good idea. What's that tell you?????


Ya, I'm gonna talk to her about it as soon as the kid goes down for the night. I will take everyone's advice and let her know that the get together isn't gonna happen. Thing that sucks is that i know she needs another person to tell her this too though because I can already see it not going over too well. I'll probably hit up her best friend for backup. Thanks guys, you've definitely made me feel better about my feelings on the matter and what course of action I need to take


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Wife, I'm as enlightened as the next guy, but no way in hell am I going to invite some guy into my home, feed him, and let our kids play together when he used to bend you over. I would of course offer you the same courtesy. I guess I'm a little Neanderthal after all. Case closed."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Steponrice,

An ex of any description can never be a part of your marriage, this includes men who she just kissed. They are poison to your marriage!

The initial barriers to intimacy are gone with an ex as they have already been physical. That connection is for life they can NEVER be just friends again, and that goes double because OM left your W.

Please read some of the threads here it is laughably common how often a spouse ends up restarting a relationship with an ex.

If there was no chemistry why the He** is she still talking with him.

Do not allow your W to bond your children with his children it's a common ploy to keep someone in their life.

Tamat


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

The reason I keep bringin up ex's is YOU know how she would react if some ex gf of yours kept coming over. 

She'd be tellin you that 'HO' wasn't welcome!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DoneWithHurting said:


> Do not allow this to happen. And perhaps check your phone bill. See if they've been communication often.
> Things can ramp up very quickly.


It depends on several factors. Why they split up, what kind of a person he is and so forth.

In general terms this need not be a problem. I have known a number of cases when this type of arrangement causes no problems and works out well for everyone concerned.

There are however other cases where this kind of thing can go wrong.

But if you are unhappy about the idea, then it should NOT happen. 

Because the happiness of her ex is now the responsibility of his new wife.

And your happiness is the responsibility of your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Steponrice,

BTW the reason people here are responding so quickly and strongly is because we see the bolder rolling down hill about to flatten your house and destroy your life.

Tamat


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

StepOnRice said:


> Ya, I'm gonna talk to her about it as soon as the kid goes down for the night. I will take everyone's advice and let her know that the get together isn't gonna happen. Thing that sucks is that i know she needs another person to tell her this too though because I can already see it not going over too well. I'll probably hit up her best friend for backup. Thanks guys, you've definitely made me feel better about my feelings on the matter and what course of action I need to take


Look, this is your marriage and your life you have a right to stop this.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Quit acting like a doormat.

You knew what you wanted before you came here. Stand up for yourself. Your wife doesn't own you or the marriage 100%.

Definitely read No More Mr Nice Guy!!!!! You need it badly.

Tell her it's not happening, calmly but forcefully. No discussion about it.


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Steponrice,
> 
> BTW the reason people here are responding so quickly and strongly is because we see the bolder rolling down hill about to flatten your house and destroy your life.
> 
> Tamat


I'm really appreciative for all the responses too and did not expect to get so many, so fast


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

StepOnRice said:


> Ya, I'm gonna talk to her about it as soon as the kid goes down for the night. I will take everyone's advice and let her know that the get together isn't gonna happen. Thing that sucks is that i know she needs another person to tell her this too though because I can already see it not going over too well. I'll probably hit up her best friend for backup. Thanks guys, you've definitely made me feel better about my feelings on the matter and what course of action I need to take


 Dude, we are not just telling you to nix the get together. We all 100% agree that she needs to go 100% no contact with anyone that has every banged her. Many couples have boundaries that exclude opposite sex friends. Those that do have boundaries that allow for opposite sex friends, almost always have boundaries that exclude exs as opposite sex friends. That is not you not trusting her. This is you having normal marital boundaries. As for being controlling, your marriage vows was the two of you agreeing to be controlled by the normal boundaries of marriage. It is time that you put your foot down and hold her to those vows.

The other man (OM) still has a thing for your wife. She knows that he would probably bang her right now if she wanted him bad enough. No matter if she acts on this or not, knowing that the OM probably wants her, gives her an ego boost every time she is in contact with him. Man up and take her anger. End all contact now, or regret it latter.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> The reason I keep bringin up ex's is YOU know how she would react if some ex gf of yours kept coming over.
> 
> She'd be tellin you that 'HO' wasn't welcome!


 But until the shoe is really on the other foot, with him being the one with the ex and her not having an ex, she will never admit to this, and claim otherwise.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up Facebook is called fvckbook for a reason. He needs blocked. There appears to be a spark there. 

This happens all to frequently. You have been warned. 

I hope you wake up


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

StepOnRice said:


> That was one of the things I asked too and she just assumed that he told his wife. I did ask her how she would feel if I was to put her in that situation and she said she would be fine because she trusts me. I don't think she gets that it's not a trust thing for me, it's just that I don't want to hang out with a dude she slept with. I don't understand what she doesn't get s
> 
> She says she wouldn't care because you doing it is in the abstract.
> 
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> StepOnRice said:
> 
> 
> > That was one of the things I asked too and she just assumed that he told his wife. I did ask her how she would feel if I was to put her in that situation and she said she would be fine because she trusts me. I don't think she gets that it's not a trust thing for me, it's just that I don't want to hang out with a dude she slept with. I don't understand what she doesn't get s
> ...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

StepOnRice said:


> Ya, I'm gonna talk to her about it as soon as the kid goes down for the night. I will take everyone's advice and let her know that the get together isn't gonna happen. *Thing that sucks is that i know she needs another person to tell her this too though because I can already see it not going over too well. I'll probably hit up her best friend for backup.* Thanks guys, you've definitely made me feel better about my feelings on the matter and what course of action I need to take


Looks like we woke you up but I'm sensing much weakness in you. If you think something as big as this needs a friend to "convince" your wife then you're not really holding down the fort. 

Don't cave to that "you're controlling", "you don't own me" crap. This is your family she's playing with. As the husband, you have to protect your family. This includes protecting your wife from herself. 

Too many woman think they have $hit under control until they start responding to the guy's moves. You have no idea of how many threads I've read of woman who said they didn't even like the guy or he wasn't her type until he let her know how he felt about her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

marduk said:


> I had a buddy that did that.
> 
> He moved here to be with her. She insisted on being friends with all her ex's - to the point that she would invite them to family events like their kids' birthdays.
> 
> ...


You're a sly one Mr Marduk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> lifeistooshort said:
> 
> 
> > I had a buddy that did that.
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

He needs to not only get exes on FB, but he needs to start text exchanges and mentioning them to wifey as well. After a couple mentions in the same week the bell in her head will get rung that hubby has someone else can entertain him too.

Issue is MOST exes know married people only contact exes when there is nefarious intentions involved.



lifeistooshort said:


> StepOnRice said:
> 
> 
> > That was one of the things I asked too and she just assumed that he told his wife. I did ask her how she would feel if I was to put her in that situation and she said she would be fine because she trusts me. I don't think she gets that it's not a trust thing for me, it's just that I don't want to hang out with a dude she slept with. I don't understand what she doesn't get s
> ...


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

StepOnRice said:


> She doesnt call him on the phone from what i've seen. Their friends on facebook and she is pretty good about telling me when they talked about something over messenger even without me asking or anything. We have been married for 6yrs now. He's an ex-boyfriend that was head over heels for her. From what she told me, it didn't work out because she mostly saw him as a friend *even though they were intimate at least once* that she told me about. They used to talk a lot early in our marriage and I made it known that I didn't really like it mostly because I knew about how he felt about her. After a while, he got stationed somewhere else and got married.


Okay OP I sorry but I have to come out of retirement to drone on about this but it is imperative that you set this boundary hard and fast. Stay that course do not deviate.

I was introduced to my wife by a friend. This guy married a girl I dated but we just decided to be friends. I fell hard for my wife and she said she had been with one guy once and it was no big deal. I honestly thought it was an older guy that was "showing her the world" when she was 18.

What became very clear after we married is that my friend was the guy. It was not just a one time thing it was a big fing passionate turbulent fling that went on for awhile. 

Next thing I know her sister is marrying his brother and her best friend is married to his other brother. The spectre of this guy has been around my marriage for 30 years. She knows better than to let me catch her communicating with him (I believe she has) because it would be over faster than she could blink. 

Honestly I look at as a betrayal from both of them that I have carried for 30 years. You do not need any of this in your marriage. He only has one motive for getting together with your family and you and the kid are not the reason.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> He's an ex-boyfriend that was head over heels for her.


This is one of the biggest red flags I can imagine. 99%+ probability that he would still screw her in a minute if he could.

Don't let him anywhere near her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> She doesnt call him on the phone from what i've seen. Their friends on facebook and she is pretty good about telling me when they talked about something over messenger even without me asking or anything. We have been married for 6yrs now. He's an ex-boyfriend that was head over heels for her. From what she told me, it didn't work out because she mostly saw him as a friend even though they were intimate at least once that she told me about. They used to talk a lot early in our marriage and I made it known that I didn't really like it mostly because I knew about how he felt about her. After a while, he got stationed somewhere else and got married.


Oh please, say no more; unless it's that you are manning up and making it known that you aren't having ex boyfriends around to prey on your wife. It's ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, another way to go about this is have the discussion with your parents, her parents, and all siblings.

Tell them and get it on the table.

This is another way to put a wet blanket on her idea.

Ask her if you want her to tell your child that "this is the man money used to f" but they are just friends.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Personally, that would be a 'no' from me. I don't want to hang out with his exGFs, ever. Would not ask him to hang out with my ex/s either. That would be seriously awkward.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The future sounds like fun, joint family vacations, kids growing up together and laughing how they could have been siblings, shared holidays, heck your wife is so thoughtful she may even set you and the ex up on a weekend fishing trip so you can bond. How about the thought of becoming so close your kids grow up calling the ex Uncle! How about the day you're standing in the garage and the guy does the nudge, nudge, wink, wink and asks if you ever found your wife's sweet spot that gets her to howl with pleasure. Awkward. 

He may be a great guy, his wife may be a great woman, regardless of that if you are uncomfortable (and I would be) your wife needs to respect that and not bring this guy into your life, it's just too weird.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This is not about trust, this is about respect. 

If she says that the kids need to play together, find neighborhood kids or school kids for your child to be friends with. 

Under no means allow her to play the playtime buddies card to keep her ex close. 

You can do this very diplomatically with her. She might act like it's no big deal, but inside I hope you know that were the shoe on the other foot, she'd not let an ex gf of yours set one foot close to YOUR (collective) children.

Set a boundary and you both enforce it. Ex's have no place in a marriage if there's no reason like children keeping them in contact.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Exactly. When he holds out his hand for you to shake will you not think of where its been? This isn't about distrust but about her respect for you. If this is to end you have to let her know how you feel. Anything less of a response then makes whatever happens next your fault.

Seasalt


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Excellent advice has already been given on this thread, so I'm just repeating: NO WAY!!!!!!

What does the exBF's wife think about this? I can't imagine that he told her the truth. I feel sorry for her. 

Your W probably LOVES the fact that this guy was totally smitten with her. She also probably likes the idea that he 'settled' for his current wife because he couldn't have her. If you let this socializing begin, both you and the exBF's wife will be extremely uncomfortable.

Just say no. Period. If she insists, tell her to move out and go live with the guy. This is how I would respond.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TRy said:


> Dude, we are not just telling you to nix the get together. We all 100% agree that she needs to go 100% no contact with anyone that has every banged her. Many couples have boundaries that exclude opposite sex friends.


This! I can't emphasize this enough!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How many threads have we read on TAM, LS, and SI of spouses reconnecting through FB, with an old flame, that started with innocent chatting and evolved into sexual PA? 

To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some nostalgic conversations about their intimate past already. If not, it's on both their minds, just unspoken. It adds to the sexual tension. Trust me, they 're both on same page. This talk about kids playing is just a ruse to get their spouses to put their guard down. 

You already had to get her to stop communicating with him in the beginning of your marriage, when she gave you that BS line about only thinking of him as a friend. So who knows the real story of their past. Maybe she wanted something more and he just wasn't ready to be serious, so she moved on. Either way, there is something in this water that keeps her going back to this well.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

StepOnRice said:


> We have a kid too and she is looking forward to the kids playing together.


Yeah, of course she is. Manipulative words, throwing off any interest of her own in seeing the ex.

How does she see her and the ex's friendship and your friendship developing over time? 

It was her and him. 
It's now her and you. 
It will be her and you and him. 
Then her and him and you. 
Then her and him.

Don't let this happen.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@Omego makes a good point. OP's wife needs to be empathetic with ex-bf's wife, whom she has never met. Does she really want cause another wife/mom to have to worry about her husband's fidelity? This situation will introduce more stress, worry, concern and suspicion into TWO marriages and TWO families with kids. TWICE as many reasons why this is a NO!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I've got to ask: what does she hope to gain from this? To find out if he still has a thing for her in order to stroke her own ego?
To ask if you'd like to wife swap so she could try him out again?

I don't mean to be crude, I just don't see her motive if she's not still into the guy. How this could be beneficial to you is beyond my comprehension. 

It would be obvious to ANYONE how this would make you totally uncomfortable. Why don't you just tell her you will spread your legs and let her take a free kick at your nuts?
I would have a total field day telling her how far she could stick her ex boyfriend up her arse. She'd be wondering how I could yell that long without taking a breath....
Surely you nixed this bizarre request. 

I'm worried for you that your wife thinks you're this naive, or that she has enough interest in this guy to risk lighting your boiler.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This sounds like the one you keep out of your marriage. Here's the problem with MattMatt's assertions, this dude was head over heels in love with his wife before they met. Especially when she admits to being intimate with the guy she friend zoned. Let me add, you can't ignore the FACT they are exs not due to troubles, but because he felt like more of a friend. 

This isn't a typical ex-BF.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

StepOnRice said:


> I'm really appreciative for all the responses too and did not expect to get so many, so fast


The question I have for you is: What are you going to do about this situation?

When I was faced with a similar situation, I took a the position: "there is no way you will be in contact with an EX while we are married". More or less, I gave an "it's either him or me" ultimatum. For the record, while doing that sacred the living sh!t out of me (that I would lose everything), I was willing to take the risk because that's how much a deal breaker being in contact with an EX is for me ... and to show serious I was about it, I electronically blocked her ability to contact him (as best as I could), by various means.

So, that's what I put on the line when I was in your shoes. What's your plan?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> Looking for a little advice here. So I have no problem with my wife being friends with her ex. However, he is moving about 40mins away from us in a month or two and she is already planning to have him and his wife and their kid over to our house for dinner or something. We have a kid too and she is looking forward to the kids playing together. Is it wrong to feel weird and uncomfortable about hanging out with them? I told my wife that I would be a good host and everything, but I still am not looking forward to it at all. Once again, I'm not worried about her being friends with him because I trust her completely. I just don't really want to see or hang out with him. I've told her how I feel about it and I somehow feel like she's not really thrilled with my feelings towards it. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.



It's real simple...you advise your W you did not sign on for communal living with sharing of everything including the X. 

For the life of me I do not understand how these things come to be. My W cousin has been married 4 times. 3 of the women are best buddies now. I just don't get it.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

My w's ex started responding to every post she made on FB.
Then on a very romatic anniversay post I made on her wall, he comments "remember when..., lets get together for lunch"

I expressed my concern. She said "we were just friends" yea right... I knew the history.
I told her if he says it again, shut him down.

A week later we were discussing some FB crap and she showed me her PMs. burried, he has again asked her to lunch in the PM.

I went f-king ballistic and threatened divorce. She immediately defriended him.

i have checked all electronic communications and whereabouts since (2 years now) there has been no contact I am sure.

And the best part - she LOVED that I was protective of the relationship like that... a REAL man.

Stomp this down hard. No wiggle room. If she baulks, threaten divorce... but mean it.
In order to save your marriage, you MUST be willing to lose it. It's true.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

seasalt said:


> Exactly. When he holds out his hand for you to shake will you not think of where its been? This isn't about distrust but about her respect for you. If this is to end you have to let her know how you feel. Anything less of a response then makes whatever happens next your fault.
> 
> Seasalt


This is starting to get a little bit silly.

Where was his hand? On the end of his wrist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This sounds like the one you keep out of your marriage. Here's the problem with MattMatt's assertions, this dude was head over heels in love with his wife before they met. Especially when she admits to being intimate with the guy she friend zoned. Let me add, you can't ignore the FACT they are exs not due to troubles, but because he felt like more of a friend.
> 
> This isn't a typical ex-BF.


I will iterate the point I made.

If her husband is uncomfortable about this, then it MUST stop.

But he must tell her in no uncertain terms that this is indeed the case.

And this doesn't matter if the ex is a saint or a sinner.

That is not at issue. What is at issue is that the husband must make his feelings known and without filtering it through passive-agression.

I am one of the people in this thread whose wife DID have an affair with a former boy friend so I have seen this through what happened to me and the fact that a work colleague has no problem with her current man and her ex getting together on occasion. Plus I have seen it with other couples and there's been no cheating.

Well, except in my case! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> marduk said:
> 
> 
> > Again. People are weird.
> ...


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi,

Hope this link for no more mr, nice guy works for you https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

As to why EXs should stay ex read F-102 post here (its is about half way down) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html. Although he wrote about how a work place relationship develops into an EA and then a PA it shows clearly how allowing ex's into your lives is asking for trouble. It would be very easy for them to start discussing their spouces and marriages. If the children are already friends it becomes even easier for the friendshiptp become an EA and then a PA.

I get their "hey thats not us" attitude but pride gpeth before fall and why should great drivers wear seat belts ? 

What would your wife


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > The problem I've found is usually traced back to one member of their social group who clings to their ex's and who has a husband who tolerates it.
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> marduk said:
> 
> 
> > I guess I'm just taken by surprise that your wife as well as your friend's didn't have enough clarity of thought to realize they were doing something destructive that only occurred to them when you two did it back to them.
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > Well, in a shiny happy world where you break up without breaking hearts and everybody's happy happy and no-one cheats, why wouldn't you be buddy buddy even with those you used to bump uglies with?
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The number one affair partner is .... an ex. 

The number one comment from cheating wives is .... I never intended it to go that far.

The number one deflection to hubby before and during the affair ... OM is just a friend. Nothing is going on.


Make no mistake, this ex-bf is a high threat to your marriage and your family. Regardless of what your wife says or believes, any ex-bf of hers is a high threat. And ditto any of your ex-gf's. Exes should be out of your lives unless there is some critical need such as shared children, in which case your interactions are limited to what is necessary wrt those shared kids.

You have every right to be bothered by this. _You have every right to be bothered by anything_. The fact that it bothers you is reason enough for you to take action, and it is reason enough for your wife to cooperate.

Your wife's choice is to either respect your boundaries or to leave the marriage. That's it. If she thinks you are being unreasonable, she can leave or she can stay and live with it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This is exactly how it goes. Ask any marriage therapist (my sister is one and she has innumerable stories exactly like this). Brad Paisley's "Facebook Friend".

https://youtu.be/4Gc30PPvs3M


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The worst day of my life was the night my wife took me to one of her ex-bf's concerts. He was and still is a professional musician. She thought I'd be friends with him or something. She had previously arranged for us to be at the same social events several times. Which is actually a fairly common approach taken by women who have feelings for another man. There's a thread here on TAM about cheaters who intentionally try to get their hubby to be friends with their affair partner (AP).

So she arranged for me to be a roadie for the show. The worst part was sitting in the wings stage right and watching him sing their song to her, as she sat front row center. It still kills me to think about it as I write this, and that was 30+ years ago.

That's what you're in for eventually if this guy is around your family at all. At some point they'll mention something about their past. A song will come on the radio, a particular movie will be on tv or in the news, a certain food item will get served. Something, and *they'll have that moment, right there in front of you*, reliving the good ol' days.

Your wife doesn't have to like it that you make this an immovable boundary, she just has to respect it. There's the concept of "joint agreement" which your situation hits on. Nobody does anything the other spouse isn't in agreement with. In this case you are not in agreement with ex-bf being at your home or in your wife's life. If your wife does not embrace the concept of "joint agreement" then there will be breakdown in your marriage. She will be undermining the very foundation of the marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get and read the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. It is far more than the title suggests. You'll get a lot of it.


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## StepOnRice (Jan 26, 2016)

So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Is she saying he is still her best friend? That is a big big problem if so.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Good job talking to her, btw. These kinds of things are not easy. Expect her to bring it up once in a while. Don't let it bother you, because you're in the right on this one. I think women understand men are bothered by ex-bfs and are not being honest when they try to convince their husband he is being stupid, controlling, or abnormal.

Here's how my sister the MC explains this situation. There are two parts to this, one related to her, the other to you. Every time your wife has some kind of contact with him or reminder of him, she diverts a little bit of emotion away from you and the marriage. Even though they are just friends for now, they have a romantic past. That memories of that past are being tickled every time she gets some kind of reminder. It could be a object she has around the house and sees, or it could be a conversation or text she has with him. And she has a positive response emotionally when that reminder happens.

On your side, you are irritated by any reminder of this guy. Especially when your wife has a positive or friendly interaction with him. Reasonable or not, it doesn't matter, you still have that emotional response. Almost all men have that response. This is a negative emotion related to your wife's behavior and your marriage.

So she is leaking out positive emotions away from the marriage. You are having negative emotions related to the marriage. None of this is good for the marriage, and is completely unnecessary.

Of course she gets something from her friendship with him, or she wouldn't keep it going. Is it so important and good that she is willing to damage her marriage over it? If so, the marriage is in serious trouble right now. If the relationship with the ex-bf isn't that important to her, she would be eagerly willing to end it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, Not surprised at her reaction and response. She resents that you ruined her expected fun. Even putting you and her aside and any discussion of cheating, did your wife really think that ex-bf's wife would want this interaction? Of course, your wife could care less about ex-bf's wife. She would be tolerated only so that your wife can mingle with the ex. 

Read some of these TAM replies to your wife if you really "need" her to understand that she is being selfish and inconsiderate (of both you and ex-bf's wife.)

I wonder if your wife had already discussed this get together with the ex.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


He's her bf, huh? Hold on, puked in my mouth a little.... Who are you to her? Just an ATM or security blanket? She TELLS you she is going to be resentful???? I feel like there are some red flags here.

You're just a controlling BFF hater, aren't you? You are an insecure, domineering, temper-tantrum-throwing jerk! 

Any guy would turn their heads when there wife invites her BFF guy friend who she's had sex with over to play and start another relationship with! You are just overbearing and insensitive to her needs.

I'm ashamed of you, you heartless bas****.

Really, though, you know you did the right thing. You just have to figure out now what is going on in your wife's head that results in complete lack of empathy toward YOU and a total lack of reason.
Something is amiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


Sir,

Her BBF is supposed to be you. Not to mention OM is an EX. Yes, it is in the past and should stay there. I would be damned if I had one of my EX over with kids to visit all day. It just does not happen.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's not her best fvcking friend, he's someone else's hb. He's not there for her ego boost.

Geez, give me a minute while I puke.

I think it's crappy and says a lot about her that someone else's hb is her "best friend", and she's willing to disrespect another woman's marriage to get her little ego boost.

Which is exactly what this is.

You really need to find a nice female best friend. Since this is her attitude she'll romanticize this and do it behind your back. 

Empathy is in order here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm not sure StepOnRice said ex-bf is currently her best friend. I'm not sure he didn't say it either. We need clarification.

In any event, expect to be tested again by her. Expect her to take her friendship underground where she thinks you won't know about it. Unless she really truly understands that this is a bfd to you which could end the marriage, she'll be like a child and see how far she can push things.

I'd recommend a little bit of surveillance if you have any doubts at all that she has fully understood the what and why of your boundary. Check her cell phone, facebook, emails, phone bill, etc sporadically over the next few months. Not paranoid, but careful.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> Ya, I'm gonna talk to her about it as soon as the kid goes down for the night. I will take everyone's advice and let her know that the get together isn't gonna happen. Thing that sucks is that i know she needs another person to tell her this too though because I can already see it not going over too well. I'll probably hit up her best friend for backup. Thanks guys, you've definitely made me feel better about my feelings on the matter and what course of action I need to take


The guy still hasn't gotten over here. And she - even if she is not planning on cheating - is really enjoying his attention / admiration. She is either naive or in denial in addtion. Kind of cruel too to play with him and you like this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


Let her resent you. Hold firm.

Any time she tries to spin a sob story about "I can't have my old boyfriend over" just laugh.

She's being childish. She'll learn to respect it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She's resentful toward you for imposing borders that protect the marriage and family. That's a very bad response. It tells me she's really building this reunion up in her head. She's exposing how important this guy is to her. An old boyfriend from over 7 years ago is all of a sudden so important that now he's her best friend.

You're supposed to be her best friend but instead she's putting you in dad mode to her rebellious teenager mode. It leads to her talking about you being controlling and this ex being able to plant things in her head. "I would never treat like that." "Why do you let him treat you like a child." With her taking the relationship underground. You feeling that you have to police her. 

Don't think for a second that this is over. Her reaction tells she's going to continue talking to him and will retry later. 

YOU MUST SHUT THIS $HIT DOWN. This is your family. You see how unanimous the responses on TAM have been. That does NOT happen all the time. We've seen this movie before. It ends with your wife in a sexual PA convinced that he's her soul mate and that she never really loved you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> marduk said:
> 
> 
> > All good apparently until you and your friend started acting like your wives.
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

StepOnRice said:


> I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, *but I still want her to understand why it's not okay*.



Because it hurts you, and in result it will hurt your marraige. That should be enough for the caring wife.

this is the only argument you need here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > It does not have to be hypocrisy, rather lack of empathy combined iwht wishful denial. Once you treat them the same way they treat you, all of the sudden they get it. So, it's not hypocrisy. It's this need for freedom, and having cookies and eating it too, it is rebelling against those "oppressive" rules. And they do not get it, until it is done to them, and they can feel the pain and disrespect of this kind of behavior.
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> WandaJ said:
> 
> 
> > I am "actions" defined.
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > I agree, I do not understand this kind of behavior myself.
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> WandaJ said:
> 
> 
> > I see. They are severely ignorant of themselves.
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marduk said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > I think it's a bit different.
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

There is something weird going on with quoting system, it keeps assigning quotes to incorrect posters. anyone else has that problem?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> There is something weird going on with quoting system, it keeps assigning quotes to incorrect posters. anyone else has that problem?


yes


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Here is the thing. WHAT THE HE** ARE YOU TO TALK ABOUT WITHT THE EX. Only thing in common is having SEX with your wife. O, and being in love with her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He might ask ex's wife "hey, seeing how are SO have hooked up in the past maybe we should level the playing field". This is a joke. Really, what would be talk be about. Because the first time the ex hugs the wife hello, it's done.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > I think it's a bit different.
> ...


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> There is something weird going on with quoting system, it keeps assigning quotes to incorrect posters. anyone else has that problem?


Yup. LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


You'd be wise to have her block him on fvckbook as well.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

To those who suggest mirroring your wife. I get it, and it can be a bucket of cold water in the face but you both have too much to lose. At times someone needs to be the adult. That does not mean accept her decision to bring her into your life is acceptable. 

It is real simple simple no-exs in your lives is like wearing a seat belt in the car. EXs are never a problem until they are and you never need a seat belt until you do. 

Please read the link I gave you to the nature of EAs.

To other posters here: how soon till she plays "your too controlling" card. Perhaps we should offer OP some advise on this to get him ahead of the curve.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> WandaJ said:
> 
> 
> > I am "actions" defined.
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jsmart said:


> Don't think for a second that this is over. Her reaction tells she's going to continue talking to him and will retry later.
> 
> YOU MUST SHUT THIS $HIT DOWN. This is your family. You see how unanimous the responses on TAM have been. That does NOT happen all the time. We've seen this movie before. It ends with your wife in a sexual PA convinced that he's her soul mate and that she never really loved you.


I agree. That has been my experience with my W.

Really I should have shut down my wife at the first instance of keeping ex-bfs around, whether in conversation (telling me a story about someplace they went or something they did) or in person (social events where they were, assclown's concert, etc). Letting it happen more than once, and over significant periods of time, lets her think it is ok. _It becomes normal to her, so she thinks nothing is wrong with it._

Which makes it that much harder to shut it down now, but shut it down is what StepOnRice must do.

Even after talking to my wife about it in an attempt to explain why I had problems with assclown her ex-bf she didn't really take to heart how big of a deal it is to the marriage. She probably was thinking I was being stupid, immature, unreasonably jealous, or something similar. I never explained that his was destroying my feelings for her and my desire to be married.

SoR, your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms how deeply destructive this friendship is to the marriage. Look how things have escalated. She went from occasionally having some text or facebook contact to now wanting him on close friend status and in your home! The trend is your friend (as they say on Wall St.), and the trend is not in the right direction with this guy!

Idk that you're as far down the road as I got, but you're on that path. After blowing off my first couple of talks with her, she decided to blow off a request that she simply un-tag herself from a photo on FB of him at one of his performances (posted by somebody else). That was 6 months ago, and it was probably the final straw. We're partially separated now in large part because of what happened.

It sounds harsh and is frequently derided as cave man behavior, but I really believe the right thing to do is to tell her that it is him or you. When a wife becomes careless about her husband's feelings and she continues to prioritize another man, worse that its an ex-bf, over her husband, she is sending a powerful message. She needs to know that this is the message you are receiving even if it isn't the message she intends to send.

It doesn't matter what the reality is, if they're just friends now. What matters is she is prioritizing him over you. Her poutiness and saying she resents you is proof.

If I could go back I would nuke it hard, saying something like if she resents me she should leave. If she genuinely and enthusiastically wants to be with me, flush ex-bf from her life and do so enthusiastically.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, I haven't caught up yet, but I had to respond to this post.



StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now* she said she resents me*. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally.


Yeah, well put your guard up right now. This shows you how important this dude is to her. 

Angry I get.
Hurt I get.

She went straight to resentment. That's a huge leap in my eyes,


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> So, I haven't caught up yet, but I had to respond to this post.
> 
> 
> Yeah, well put your guard up right now. This shows you how important this dude is to her.
> ...


You're a better man than me.

I would not tolerate angry or hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


Stop by the book store and pick up a copy of Not Just Friends (Glass) and give it to her when you get home. Tell her that will explain everything.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

There are things I understand, "get it" but it does not mean I would tolerate them. IMO resentment leads to bitterness which leads to hate which leads....oh wait too much Star Wars.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> There are things I understand, "get it" but it does not mean I would tolerate them.


QFT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

StepOnRice said:


> She doesnt call him on the phone from what i've seen. Their friends on facebook and she is pretty good about telling me when they talked about something over messenger even without me asking or anything. We have been married for 6yrs now. He's an ex-boyfriend that was head over heels for her. From what she told me, it didn't work out because *she mostly saw him as a friend even though they were intimate at least once that she told me about.* They used to talk a lot early in our marriage and I made it known that I didn't really like it mostly because I knew about how he felt about her. After a while, he got stationed somewhere else and got married.


Ohhhh! God!!!! 

Your wife is a lying sack....

Don't tell me you honestly believe that? 


There is no room in any marriage for ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. None. 

Refuse it. Stand your ground.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thor said:


> Is she saying he is still her best friend? That is a big big problem if so.


Agreeeeeeeeeeeeeed.


OP should be his wife's best friend. Not some ex-dooshbag.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now *she said she resents me.* I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


Tough sh!t.

Tell her there is one man in her life....you. If she needs more than one, she can go join a fvcking free-love commune in Northern California somewhere. You will divorce her and go and find a woman who values you and considers you her best friend.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If she resents you over a "friend" she doesn't even see in person, who isn't even a part of her life, that should tell you that somewhere in there are inappropriate feelings.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> marduk said:
> 
> 
> > isn't this kind of manipulative and egoistic?
> ...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

StepOnRice said:


> So I talked to her shortly after I read what everyone was saying. Needless to say it went pretty much how I expected it to. He's not gonna come over ever and now she said she resents me. I do trust her completely and I feel like I don't have the worry that she might cheat on me with him, even emotionally. However, she is oblivious to why it should bother me because she said it happen before me and her and he was her best friend. I understand that it was in the past, but I think it's stupid to think that it shouldn't bother me. That talk was last night and we seem to be doing good today, but I still want her to understand why it's not okay.


Yeah, same thing happened to me. It took my wife 5 days before she would speak with me again. In the end, it worked out. My point of view is that it had to end the way it did; no EX's.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Right. She's free to 'resent' you for keeping a healthy boundary in your marriage. She's free to LEAVE that marriage if she doesn't want to have a boundary. Your job is to remove your emotion as far as it comes to this issue.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

You done the right thing in confronting her and putting in place firm boundaries to protect your family your emotional investment in her and your marriage. I would be very concerned and seek clarification on the resentment that she is feeling why is her friendship with an ex more important than making sure that the marriage remains secure,


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> You'd be wise to have her block him on fvckbook as well.


Yup, this is probably not over and he's likely still texting/messaging.

OP, you need to cut of the head of the snake and tell the person who is pretending to be your wife to cut all contact with her ex bf.
You will thank yourself later for doing this.

Ex bf and your wife communication is not marriage. Right now your marriage is 3 and not 2. You need to use subtraction button on your calculator.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The it around on her.

It's a social faux pass. You were just telling her. It's the social equivalent of wearing white in November, you just pulled her aside and told her that it wasn't something that people do.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@StepOnRice One other thing that I did when this happened to me was that I insisted that all contact with the EX end. I also sent the EX an e-mail saying that my wife will not be contacting him again, and if I found out he reached out to my wife (which he couldn't because I blocked him on several platforms), I would be having a conversation with his wife. 

Do you know if his wife knows of this "friendship" he has with your wife? You mentioned that "He's not gonna come over ever" (whatever that means), but does their relationship continue?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Tough sh!t.
> 
> Tell her there is one man in her life....you. If she needs more than one, she can go join a fvcking free-love commune in Northern California somewhere. You will divorce her and go and find a woman who values you and considers you her best friend.


BOOM!
Drop the mic!

QFT about a 1000 times

This is something where there is no give. 

When I was younger and considerably less experienced, I allowed my wife to reconnect with an old friend. Later I learned she was intimate with him. 

I will spare you a lengthy read but that reconnection bulldozed my relationship with my wife. It took years before we were even able to get back to just an okay state. 

Even today, my relationship with her isn't 100% what it was before she connected with that old ex. It has hurt our relationship in ways that would take me days to try to write something without going into a rage.

So please, stand firm on this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Question: "Wife, who is your best friend?"
Answer: "That's an easy one! It's my ex-husband!"

"Oh, I am sorry Wife! But that is an incorrect answer! The correct answer should have been 'my husband'! Your wrong answer has potentially cost you your marriage!"

Sorry OP. I misread your wife. 

She is not a keeper. As her ex found out.

Monitor her and be ready to go Big D on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Question: "Wife, who is your best friend?"
> Answer: "That's an easy one! It's my ex-husband!"
> 
> "Oh, I am sorry Wife! But that is an incorrect answer! The correct answer should have been 'my husband'! Your wrong answer has potentially cost you your marriage!"
> ...


Maybe the OP will be her best friend after he is *also *her ex-husband?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

technovelist said:


> Maybe the OP will be her best friend after he is *also *her ex-husband?


This is classic.

"Wife, I love you. For that reason, I am choosing to divorce you, as it is clear that your exes have a higher priority in your life than your currents. I see it as increasing my odds!"



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marduk said:


> WandaJ said:
> 
> 
> > Perhaps.
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Broken quote tags FTL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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