# What are reasons to separate?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Just wondering what your reasons are. In our situation, it seems like it wouldn't be a good choice. But, then again maybe we'll miss each other and want to get back together. I think it's a "foot out the door" kind of situation. 

He had an EA almost 4 years ago, we got past it, worked to be closer and not neglect each other. Had another child. Now, we find ourselves distant again. He's pessimistic, I'm the optimist. He thinks we "tried" before and we ended up disconnected again, so he's afraid to work at it again for fear of failure. I'm insecure due to the EA and continued suspicious activity (he's not cheating, just a dumba$$ that tries to cover things that would cause me to be insecure). We're so busy with life and kids that we don't make time for each other. 

Before Christmas, I had a long talk with him since we were at a crossroads, always fighting and screaming after 10 years of marriage where we rarely fought. We got a lot of things out in the open and I told him the options. Next day he says he's in 100% and will do whatever to work this out. Things got better real quick, we had some deep heart to hearts, both read The 5 Love Languages, and really were working to fill each other's love banks. But then he left town for a week and it was hard on me. I felt insecure and like he wasn't making time for me, but there was a 3 hour time difference and I was working. I made him love letters to read for each day he was gone and he loved it. 

Things fell apart when he got back. Not sure exactly why. He asks me what's wrong and I say "nothing" which pisses him off. Then I tell him I don't want to say anything because he'll get upset. I was trying to tell him how I feel insecure and want him to be transparent and he gets mad because I snoop. Trainwreck. But now it's a week later and we're a mess. He thinks because we had a roadblock that the improvement and love we were feeling was fake. He's hesitant to jump back in because he says he "jumped in without a parachute and it hurt when he fell flat on his face". I just hate where we're at.  What do I do? We're wondering if him going and staying with his parents would help things, but I don't think it would. I think we need to cut the crap, start fresh, and work on improving ourselves in order to make each other happy. Date each other and find our love again. I wish I could erase the last week and go back to that happy place. It was like a tease of how things could be. We were both so optimistic. Now I just don't know.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Put your insecurities aside first because they're blocking the prossess & progress.

Insecurities work pretty much like resentments, they're like jam on the road only to confuse you & make you feel hopeless & weak to fight for your happiness in marriage.

Your husband would follow up if you are able to see & guide him the direction of a bright & beautiful future with you. 

When he saw you feel insecure, he also felt insecure. 

Sometimes our mood swings influence & taint each other.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

You have seen that it works. It just takes extra time and care. You both can do it. From the little you wrote here, it looks to me like you can work this out.

I'm not a fan of seperation. I seem to have a mindset that you're either together or you're divorced, with little middle ground...I guess it might be different if i had kids, but I don't, so I can't speak to that. 

I agree with MsLonely. Have you tried to seek counseling for your insecurities? That's not to say that HE doesn't need counseling as well, but you can only control how YOU react to situations, not how he does.


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## springgirl (Dec 9, 2010)

from reading I think you have a lot to work on. keep communicating even when it's hard. I don't believe in putting a lid on feelings like insecurities. they need to be talked about. it's ok for you to say you are afraid he will get upset. but tell him how you feel anyway. put all the cards on the table. i think that you man was just expressing his feelings too and they were hard to hear for you. but whats important is that he said them. if things gets too upsetting or you think you are going to lose it take a break and then go back to the discussion after a while. maybe your feeling will have changed or you will have had a chance to think about stuff from his point of view. this will get heated if there is passion and it is common for men to shut down when they feel like they have failed. it doesn't have to be like "starting over" every time. that is not progress. little by little you will get to know each other and trust each other again. 
best of luck


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

I recommend you read "Project Happily Ever After" by Alisa Bowman. It's an amazing book and it's incredibly easy to read.

You could also view her blog at FREE Marriage Help and Advice - Project Happily Ever After. I have found her book and blog to be extremely helpful.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks for your responses. I'll check that book out. Things blew up worse tonight. I logged into his facebook (I know, I know) and looked at the ex gf's page that I feel uncomfortable about. She posted one of those "25 Things About Me" and listed the one place she'd love to go in the world as our hometown. Which she's never been to, is not a vacation spot, and is 3,000 miles from her. WTF? He goes on and on about how he's such a screw up and can never make things right and I'm always going to feel insecure. The weird thing, is that I didn't cry. Why? 

We were both harsh and I'm just so hurt. I feel like he needs time away to figure out if he wants to save this. I can't do it all by myself.


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