# Married but longing for someone else...



## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

I have been married 4 years and together with the same man for 8. I have had one serious relationship before meeting him and many short-lived ones.

The thing is I am longing for someone I have never met. Someone who loves me and connects with me. Someone who allows me to be myself and finds me interesting instead of trying to change. 

I am longing for someone who shows me great affection and wants to be around me all the time but feels confident to give me some space. Someone who completes me and makes me fall inlove. I have never been inlove before. I have cared before and felt the rush of first love but never met someone I was willing to fight for. 

My husband shows me little affection but we pretend that everything is fine because we have kids and I will stay with him for their sake. If I could do what my heart feels, I will leave him and raise my kids on my own. I do raise them like a single mother anycase because he is hardly involved in anything although he loves them. We have sex about 4 times a year and usually after we had some liquor so there is not really any romance or passion. We hardly hug each other and it always feels awkward anyway. We only kiss passionately when we are about to have sex but there is not sparks. I actually fantasize to make myself want to have sex although I have a high sex drive.

He is a conventional 'good husband'. He provides for the family although I also work full-time. He cares for the kids but I feel so lonely. I cannot express my feelings to him as he does not have the ability to deal with anything negative so I just keep it all to myself and pretend away. 

Through all this I feel like there is someone out there that is going to fullfil me and make me fall inlove.

Please tell me I am not a douchbag and that what I have in my marriage now is how it is suppose to be.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Layla, talk to him. Tell him the negatives and ask him to deal with them. Give both of you a shot at a fulfilling marriage.

You are at the stage where these sorts of thoughts are normal. But you either learn to manage them or you plan to change partners every few years.

Have a read of this:

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Thank you Wazza. What does one do when you have never been inlove with someone and never want to be with that person. Alot has happened in our past that I resent him for but cannot tell him as he will fall into a depression again. 

He is many years older than me and maybe its just the generation gap that makes up incompatible. 

Thank you for the advice and I am going to read the link you sent me.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Layla83 said:


> Thank you Wazza. What does one do when you have never been inlove with someone and never want to be with that person. *Alot has happened in our past that I resent him for but cannot tell him as he will fall into a depression again.*
> 
> He is many years older than me and maybe its just the generation gap that makes up incompatible.
> 
> Thank you for the advice and I am going to read the link you sent me.


I'll say it again. Talk to him.

He's going to get depressed at bad news? Try this piece "I don't love you and I'm leaving." Think that might depress him? Because that is where it is most likely heading unless you change course. 

Not trying to be harsh here. It's just that relationships take work. The link I posted will give you some insight into your thought processes. What you do with it is up to you.


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Wazza said:


> I'll say it again. Talk to him.
> 
> He's going to get depressed at bad news? Try this piece "I don't love you and I'm leaving." Think that might depress him? Because that is where it is most likely heading unless you change course.
> 
> Not trying to be harsh here. It's just that relationships take work. The link I posted will give you some insight into your thought processes. What you do with it is up to you.


Thank you


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I hope it works out for you.

You can come back from where you are now and have something really good. I know this from experience.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Layla,

Actually, the two of you need a counselor involved in these discussions to help you navigate through what seems to be a difficult situation.

Find a counselor and talk to them ahead of time to warn them about your husband's depression problems so they are aware before your first joint counseling session. Then make an appointment for the two of you and tell him when it is.

Were you ever in love with him? Why did you marry him? How old are you two and how old are the kids?


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

I was infectuated by him but never in love. He was successful and promised me a out of my miserable life then. 

We have two toddlers.

Age is a good question. He is 43 and I am 29. This may also explain that I feel now that he manipulated and used me in the beginning to make his ex wife jealous but now that I am older I can see the signs. However I think that now he will not leave me to spare himself the embarresment 



Toffer said:


> Layla,
> 
> Actually, the two of you need a counselor involved in these discussions to help you navigate through what seems to be a difficult situation.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

I was infectuated by him but never in love. He was successful and promised me a out of my miserable life then. 

We have two toddlers.

Age is a good question. He is 43 and I am 29. This may also explain that I feel now that he manipulated and used me in the beginning to make his ex wife jealous but now that I am older I can see the signs. However I think that now he will not leave me to spare himself the embarrassment of a second divorce. Although I haven't told him I'm unhappy, I know he knows. 



Toffer said:


> Layla,
> 
> Actually, the two of you need a counselor involved in these discussions to help you navigate through what seems to be a difficult situation.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He's way too old for you and you're still young. There is no sex. You don't love him - I doubt he loves you either. You're both unhappy and got married for all the wrong reasons. You assumed he'd save you and he used you as a rebound/make the Ex jealous.

Almost impossible to fix something that was never right to start with.


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

I wish I knew how to fix this without hurting his feelings and ruining my kids lives. 



Mavash. said:


> He's way too old for you and you're still young. There is no sex. You don't love him - I doubt he loves you either. You're both unhappy and got married for all the wrong reasons. You assumed he'd save you and he used you as a rebound/make the Ex jealous.
> 
> Almost impossible to fix something that was never right to start with.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Did he use you as an exit affair from his previous marriage? You said he promised you at better life. Did he present himself as a white knight? I see this a lot in couples with a age gap. The older partner is somewhat like a parent to the younger partner. They tend to take care of the younger partner. Once that dynamic is established its hard to break out of that. But as you grow in the marriage or just grow as a person you start to resent this person and view them as controlling. As a grown man I can't take someone criticizing me all the time and or constantly evaluating me actions. Even if they mean well. Is your situation like that?


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

He was already divorced when we met but only a few months. I was 21 at the time and still ignorant to the complexity of what it involved.only after I was there I realised but I dumped my boyfriend, left my parents who didn't approve so I felt I had to stay. 

Also he did come across as a very succesful man that could give me better but it was an illusion. 2 days after moving in I was playing housewife. Totally not prepared for it. We moved in together too soon. 

Its definitely exactly how you explain. 

I miss passion and adventure but I realise he shared that with his ex already. 




FalconKing said:


> Did he use you as an exit affair from his previous marriage? You said he promised you at better life. Did he present himself as a white knight? I see this a lot in couples with a age gap. The older partner is somewhat like a parent to the younger partner. They tend to take care of the younger partner. Once that dynamic is established its hard to break out of that. But as you grow in the marriage or just grow as a person you start to resent this person and view them as controlling. As a grown man I can't take someone criticizing me all the time and or constantly evaluating me actions. Even if they mean well. Is your situation like that?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What are the things you resent him for? You should talk to him about it. 

Marriage counselling?

I may be confusing you with another poster but aren't you the one that used to post about how awesome your sex life was?


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

Definitely not the girl with the awesome sex life but lucky her. 

He emotionally drained me and I now know manipulated me to the core but I was too dumb to see it. Using suicide to make me stay. Lots of other things that's too shameful to mention. I resent him for holding me back.

I know I chose to go but I would have been so much further. I stopped studying when I moved because I could not afford my studies as I struggled to find a job again. I had hopes and dreams of becoming a singer and he told me over his dead body will I be on stage. There's lots I resent him for. I just never told him as I am too afraid to voice my feelings to him.



Jellybeans said:


> What are the things you resent him for? You should talk to him about it.
> 
> Marriage counselling?
> 
> I may be confusing you with another poster but aren't you the one that used to post about how awesome your sex life was?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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