# I reget ever getting married



## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

I got married at the age of 22 and my husband was 24. The past two years of our marriage have been the worst years of my life. We have a 3 year old daughter and he doesn’t know that having a child goes beyond just playing with her, tickling and picking her up from school. He doesn’t know how that you have to feed her, buy her clothes, pay her fees , hospital and doctor bills and pay the nanny that has to look after her when you are unable to. 
2 months into my pregnancy I asked him to prepare for the 4 months I’d be on unpaid maternity leave. During the 9 months he didn’t pay for the doctor visits or buy anything to prepare for the for the arrival of the child and I took it as he is preparing for the time when I’ll be on leave at work.
When the baby arrived he didn’t pay for the baby’s hospital bills (mine were paid by my medical aid), baby food or clothes. Yet he still couldn’t help me with the baby during the night or the day first after my C-section, but playing pc games the whole night was ok. He had asked me not to involve my family and he wouldn’t involve his, because he would look after our child. I had to go open credit accounts to support my child, because she didn’t have nappies and food. I had to go back to work a month before my leave ended to be able to pay bills. When I signed my child as the beneficiary of my policies he told me he would sign his other child (with another woman)as the beneficiary since I didn’t make him the beneficiary of my policies. 
When we decided we should get a car because we didn’t have one, I took it in my name and he promised to help with monthly instalments, but when I asked for the money a few months down the line he said “It’s not his fault I decided to buy things I can’t afford.” Keep in mind that I was paying half for every expense we had except the rent and electricity (That later changed because he couldn’t afford it anymore). We earn more or less the same amount. When I tried to help with his other child he said I should stay out of it as his other child is his problem not mines. Things got so bad at some point he hit me and said I push him too far.
When things got tough he would leave and sit at some bar until the early hours of the morning saying his life is stuck in a loop(Having to go to work and coming home) while other people are living the good life out there. He met a girl at this bar and they started chatting on his phone during the evening when he was home or 
When things got tough he would leave and sit at some bar until the early hours of the morning saying his life is stuck in a loop(Having to go to work and coming home) while other people are living the good life out there. He met a girl at this bar and they started chatting on his phone during the evening when he was home or he would go out to lunch or the bar with her or she would get him tickets for some event so they could go together. He said they were just friends and I believed him. She sent a message that I shouldn’t worry because she is not dating my husband.
One day I got tired of waiting around for him to realise he’s married and has a child and responsibilities and I started doing martial arts and yoga and I got myself a motorbike. I felt I needed to do something beside sitting at home and doing nothing. I stopped sleeping with him especially when he started telling me that it was my duty as a wife to have sex with my husband (Kind of ruined sex for me). I suggested counselling and3 weeks into it he didn’t like the guy because he says he concentrated on me more than him.
I told him how I felt and I asked him to move out of the flat. He refused so I told him I’d move out. He organised for us to go to another shrink to try save our marriage. I agreed, but now I don’t know why because I don’t want to be married to him anymore. I’ve seen the type of person he is and I don’t like him anymore and as far as sex goes I don’t want him to touch me. I still went to the counselling (Which I know won’t work because I don’t want to fight for our marriage). 
He called his parents and told them I wanted to leave him and they drove 1200KM to confront me. Telling me that the way I’m acting shows that I never wanted to be part of this family and my problems are petty and the fact that I’m not sleeping with my husband has a bit of Satanism in it. They won’t even talk about promises that were made before the marriage. I need to stop acting like a child and appreciate everything my husband is doing for me. They said I should also realise that everything bought in the marriage stays in the marriage and since I’m the one who wants to leave and he’s the one staying in the marriage. My husband sat there and never defended me instead he kept adding fuel to the fire. After they left he told me that everything has been sorted and He hopes his family did not waste they money coming to solve our problems and that we should have sex. When I refused he just had sex anyway. The next day I left and moved into a flat. My baby is currently visiting his grandparents for the holidays.
My family doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand and his family doesn’t understand why I left. I don’t ever want to go back. I’d rather die than go back. I don’t know where to go from here. Should I file for divorce or wait for him to years from now. All I know is I don’t have any support on y side at the moment, and the one person I thought was my friend just told me he has feelings for me so now I’m all alone because I can’t deal with him right now. Please advise???? (Sorry it’s an essay)


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I have a question, you said that after his parents left that he asked to have sex with you, you refused but he did it anyway? If so, he raped you. 

Get the heck out of there and don't ever look back. It sounds like he doesn't want to support you and the baby in any way. I can't even imagine living with someone like that because you can't depend on him for anything. He is avoiding his responsibilities as a father and a husband. 

Why are your parents or family not understanding this? Have you told them everything?


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## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

The best my family could say is I'm married now so I can't just pack up and leave.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Avesa said:


> The best my family could say is I'm married now so I can't just pack up and leave.


That's nonsense. You hate your marriage. You're allowed to leave. 

Try to seek out a women's shelter and see if they have any support groups you can join. It may help you to feel less alone.

Hang in there. I'm sorry things seem do rotten right now. Hope they get better.

Since you're sure of what you want, just file for divorce yourself. Don't wait on him.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is a common theme now days. So many people are not prepared to participate as responsible adults.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Yep, two kids playing house. Too bad there's a real child involved. 

It sounds like you got pregnant and then married. True or not? that doesn't make for a good situation in any case. You got married way too young to a man who wasn't ready for it. And your poor baby...That's the real victim here. 

I wouldn't stay where you are. Don't even listen to your family. I'd get out and file for divorce and try and salvage your life. Sounds like your family isn't much help. Where is your child? Are you going to abandon your baby? 

Damn, what a mess..


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Avesa said:


> The best my family could say is I'm married now so I can't just pack up and leave.


That's no excuse. No one should stay in a mess like that and your family SHOULD know that. It makes me question how you were raised.  I can't imagine a loving family telling their daughter that. 

If you really want out, you will find a way no matter what it takes. I would get my child away from that as soon as I could.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Which country are you in? We Americans have a lot more options for getting out of a bad situation than some others, and it's more accepted here. The man is crazy and you need to get out; these kinds of problems only get worse over time, and you need to keep you and your baby safe. Good luck. You have support here, and wherever you are, there are surely options for women suffering domestic violence.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Avesa,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. I know that you are in a situation that you never imagined would happen to you. The trouble is, now that your here and you have a child depending on you, you've got to deal with the reality life dealt you.

You are a strong woman and a good mother and you will get through this. You deserve to be with someone who loves and appreciates you and knows that building a marriage and family takes two people to do the hard work involved.

All the other responders have told you what needs to be done. Sending you strength and (((hugs))) to do what you need to do to put your life back together.

Good luck!!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OK.... I'm gonna take the guy side.

I did a few of the things he did. I didn't pay attention to the need I should have. 

I did do quite a bit for the children but wasn't the rock my wife needed to be. I liked my video games and slacked on being on top of the bills.

Know what my wife did? She left. The difference was that I had the kids.

Now I had to learn how to pay bills, keep a house clean, look after the girls , laundry, make supper, lunches, tuck in the kids and do all the things I was supposed to do during the marriage.

My wife and I had no conversation for 4 months. I had no choice but to learn everything. I didn't take the hint while I was married but sure did during the separation.

Turns out i surprised her. She thought I would fall on my face, but I took this as a wake up call to grow up and be a man.

The best learning thing for me was NO CONTACT. I couldn't have her bale me out of this one. I assumed that she wasn't coming home so i learned how to live without her.

He needs this wake up call. Leave him be, file for custody and support to show him you are serious then let him steep in his own misery. If he grows up you know he can change. If nothing else happens you know you made the right decision.

My wife and I are working it out only because she saw that I could step up to the plate. You need to see if he can.


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