# Update update



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

So I send my H a post that I found in one of the other threads telling the WS how the BS feels. His basic response was that I am making this out to be more than it is, he was never in love with her, or had feelings for her, and he did it for entertainment and when he got bored he quit. :scratchhead: :wtf: He said sorry that I, as me, am making this out to be more than it is so I can feel pity for myself....wow....He did the whole "lol" when I called it an emotional affair....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get a lawyer

you will remain in pain and limbo unless he does what is necessary and stops trying to minimize his actions and rugsweep so he can cheat again


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I am just really shocked by what he said, I think that hurt even more than finding out...you screwed me over as your wife for entertainment??????


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he's belittling you, your pain, your marriage and your needs


what's it going to take to see that this isn't what you deserve?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

GreenEyes said:


> I am just really shocked by what he said, I think that hurt even more than finding out...you screwed me over as your wife for entertainment??????


You're still not seeing things the right way!!! It had nothing to do with you!

He wanted entertainment - "she" was there - and its all about him!

(laced with sarcasm - and some truth)

They aren't thinking about the damage they'll do when they go to "entertain" themselves. The assumption is that they'll keep control of the situation and you'll never find out.

You guys need to get to a counselor. Sounds like the more you look for closure - the more he's hurting you. A counselor "might" be able to get him to see what he's doing.

Have you tried a 180? Just ignore him - try to detach?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

OH I have detached a whole lot....mostly to maintain my sanity lol .....I'm really just in disbelief that that's the excuse lol...I can't do anything but laugh about it because I think if I don't I will bawl my eyes out....not a good time right now for that lol


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

At some point, bawling may need to be done. Really - maybe you'd feel better instead of trying to fight how you are feeling.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> get a lawyer
> 
> you will remain in pain and limbo unless he does what is necessary and stops trying to minimize his actions and rugsweep so he can cheat again


:iagree:


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Expose the OW to her husband asap, let her husband also knows with whom he is living with. he have the right to know. he is also a human and BS like you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> get a lawyer
> 
> you will remain in pain and limbo unless he does what is necessary and stops trying to minimize his actions and rugsweep so he can cheat again


I also... :iagree:


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> get a lawyer
> 
> you will remain in pain and limbo unless he does what is necessary and stops trying to minimize his actions and rugsweep so he can cheat again


And another :iagree:

I say get him in the car and drive to a lawyer. When he asks where you are going say to see a divorce lawyer. Tell him you are doing it for entertainment and chuckle as you get out of the car and walk into the office.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

GreenEyes I read that post on that thread too, and it so accurately described everything I felt and would have liked to be able to put marriage on recovery. There was no remorse from my ex and I guess she was atleast "kind" enough to let me go, so I really didn't have choice as to offer R or not. I can't tell you what to do, but if he is belittling your pain it sure doesn't seem like genuine remorse. Maybe he has been and this is just a little blip in his process of doing the heavy lifting?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Expose the OW to her husband asap, let her husband also knows with whom he is living with. he have the right to know. he is also a human and BS like you.


I don't think she is married, she was only 19...I don't even know who she is...I just found the chats and when I tried to email her using the email address she had, I got no response


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

square1 said:


> And another :iagree:
> 
> I say get him in the car and drive to a lawyer. When he asks where you are going say to see a divorce lawyer. Tell him you are doing it for entertainment and chuckle as you get out of the car and walk into the office.


LOL thank you, that actually made me laugh


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Lon said:


> GreenEyes I read that post on that thread too, and it so accurately described everything I felt and would have liked to be able to put marriage on recovery. There was no remorse from my ex and I guess she was atleast "kind" enough to let me go, so I really didn't have choice as to offer R or not. I can't tell you what to do, but if he is belittling your pain it sure doesn't seem like genuine remorse. Maybe he has been and this is just a little blip in his process of doing the heavy lifting?


Yeah I sent it to him just maybe to help him get an understanding of what I felt about it, I didn't intend to get a response back from him, I didn't even want one, it was more for him to just read and remember.....and then it turned into this huge ordeal and blew up into this, and I"m left like what just happened here?? :scratchhead: He thinks I am trying to make him apologize to me again (and again and again) and he doesn't get that that's not what I am asking for, I'm just asking him to see it from my p.o.v and thought maybe that article would help a little...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> At some point, bawling may need to be done. Really - maybe you'd feel better instead of trying to fight how you are feeling.


I'm sure that moment will come soon haha but not right now


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He seems very shallow and self centered. Can't imagine that changing or this getting better.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Another interpretation may be that he cannot face what he has done to you and the relationship. It depends on the type of person he is. Is he usually self centered? Does he have a tendency to ignore how you feel in favor of trying to get you to feel the way he does. Is he caring kind and loving? 

Outside of this EA, what is your honest gut feeling. Do you think that he loves and cares about you? If you walked out the door tomorrow would he be devastated or more worried about losing the convience of a wife and the risk of financial loss?

Based on the honest and brave consideration of what you see as a future with him, make you decion about what you want to do. Think carefully and set up boundreies. That is decide what you need to continue in the relationship. Make it simple and take into account that it will take time for him to get it.

Don't make demands or ultimatiums. But let him know what you need and invite him to meet your needs. If you think MC would help you both then ask him to do that. If he refuses, go your self and keep the door open. If he still negates what you feel and seems to not care that you are having a rough time you may want to let him know what his refusal is doing to you.

Again tell him what you need. If he continues to refuse, you may want to consider that you may be happier without him. Through it all, make major improvements in your self. Become much more focused on you. Take more time on you. Make physical changes break old habits. 

Depend on him less and be less available but stay pleasent but cool. He may need a taste of what he is handing you. Less concern and less meeting his needs until he earns the privilege. You may undergo a change of heart and decide you want someone in your life that loves and cares about how you feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Another interpretation may be that he cannot face what he has done to you and the relationship. It depends on the type of person he is. Is he usually self centered? Does he have a tendency to ignore how you feel in favor of trying to get you to feel the way he does. Is he caring kind and loving?
> 
> Outside of this EA, what is your honest gut feeling. Do you think that he loves and cares about you? If you walked out the door tomorrow would he be devastated or more worried about losing the convience of a wife and the risk of financial loss?
> 
> ...


He is somewhere in the middle I suppose...I know he cares about me by the little things that he does for me, things that need to be done but he doesn't have to do (change oil, fix my car stuff like that) it may not seem like a big thing, but I know that's how he shows he cares (I never did have a need for jewelry, flowers, not my thing) I know that he thinks very highly of himself as well...

In the last year or so he has been showing more often that he cares how I am feeling and he has been making an attempt to improve communication between the two of us, but given the things that he said to me today, I'm thinking that all that could have been a show to get me back in the same place I used to be, I, unintentionally, have become quite detached over the last 2 years, not really all that fun....If I walked out tomorrow, I couldn't say if he would care or not, because I honestly have no idea, I know he loves me but (and this is so cliche) I don't know if he is or ever has been in love with me....he isn't a very emotional person by nature so it's hard to tell....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

GreenEyes said:


> In the last year or so he has been showing more often that he cares how I am feeling and he has been making an attempt to improve communication between the two of us, but given the things that he said to me today, I'm thinking that all that could have been a show to get me back in the same place I used to be, I, unintentionally, have become quite detached over the last 2 years, not really all that fun....If I walked out tomorrow, I couldn't say if he would care or not, because I honestly have no idea, I know he loves me but (and this is so cliche) I don't know if he is or ever has been in love with me....he isn't a very emotional person by nature so it's hard to tell....


He wants you back the way you were but how badly. Is it badly enough for him to show some empathy? 

Can you get him to go to therapy? Do you think it would help if you went yourself? 

I wonder why you stay in relationship where you feel disconnected and that he is not in love with you. 

The situation you are in now leaves you and him vulnerable to cheating. Wouldn't it be better for you if you resolved to get what you need or quit the relationship? 

You seem to be quite despondent and the comfort you seek from the person who hurt you is not coming. 

Have you worked on you to make you feel that if you did leave you would be able to get into another relationship? Maybe you should work towards that goal. 

Not saying you should get rid os him but improve yourself so that you have the confidence to let him know that you stay with him by choice not because you have to. 

That might turn him around. It will at lest answer one question. Does he care enough to be worried about losing you.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> get a lawyer
> 
> you will remain in pain and limbo unless he does what is necessary and stops trying to minimize his actions and rugsweep so he can cheat again


Oh hell yeah!, that may be the only thing that will wake this dude up. He is not only minimizing his actions his minimizing your marriage. If my H had responded to me in this manner I would be alone now, and maybe a lot closer to recovery.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> He wants you back the way you were but how badly. Is it badly enough for him to show some empathy?
> 
> Can you get him to go to therapy? Do you think it would help if you went yourself?
> 
> ...



As far as MC or IC, that suggestion went over like a lead balloon with him when I suggested it around the end of summer, even IC for myself set him off. 

I stay because I don't believe divorce is the right thing unless you are 100% positive that it will never ever work, I feel like people my age give up too often and too quick on their marriages and jump to divorce as a fast and easy solution. I know myself, and the day that I can honestly say I have done all I can do, and this still is not working I will not have a problem walking out the door, it will suck and I will be sad, but I could do it if I knew that was my only option at the time. Becoming disconnected from the relationship has given me the time to work on my strength as a person, and I am in a totally different place with how I feel about my life than I was a few years ago. 

I know that if the relationship ended that I could have another with no problem....My only problem is that I have a very, very hard time trusting people around my kids, too many bad things happen in the mom's new boyfriend and her kids scenerio around here....and anyway after being drained from working on one relationship I wouldn't be in any hurry to jump into another, I tend to do better on my own anyway....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Oh hell yeah!, that may be the only thing that will wake this dude up. He is not only minimizing his actions his minimizing your marriage. If my H had responded to me in this manner I would be alone now, and maybe a lot closer to recovery.


Yeah his responses to everything yesterday had me in a state of disbelief, like is he for real.....he can't be... It amazes me that he can be that heartless...he did it because he got bored and for entertainment, Idk about most people, but when I get bored I usually idk read a book, watch tv...clean maybe....

What is holding up the progress of us moving on from it is that he does not classify it as an A, at all, not even close....he laughed at the term EA and said wth, seriously?..He says it was all fun and games, I, on the other hand, remember the chats and I am no idiot.....


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