# Thoughts about revenge and it's worth



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Revenge

New York Times 2004:

''The best way to understand revenge is not as some disease or moral failing or crime but as a deeply human and sometimes very functional behavior,'' said Dr. Michael McCullough, a psychologist at the University of Miami. ''Revenge can be a very good deterrent to bad behavior, and bring feelings of completeness and fulfillment.''

Retaliatory acts, anthropologists have long argued, help keep people in line where formal laws or enforcement do not exist. Before Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger, there was Alexander Hamilton, whose fatal duel with Aaron Burr was commemorated on the banks of the Hudson River. Recent research has shown that stable communities depend on people who have ''an intrinsic taste for punishing others who violate a community's norms,'' said Dr. Joseph Henrich, an anthropologist at Emory University in Atlanta.
.....End quoted article...

After reading so many situations on here and knowing my own story and my fathers story, I start to wonder what magic combination helps expedite recovery. With some of the more liberal or "evolved" views basically saying revenge is for Neanderthals and we should rise above that need. And some of the more tough guy approaches saying to "send a message" to the AP. 

If you've read my story about my father (my fathers secret) you know that he got physical revenge on the OM, he seemed to heal somewhat but had a wife who was only a little sorry. I've read some scenarios on here where there was healing without any revenge of any kind. 

But thats the healing part....but what about the part of discouraging men from preying on other men's wives? 

Where is the negative repercussions? 
Why not steal time with another mans wife if you can walk scott free?
I know if a woman wants to cheat she will, but many times it takes hours of talking and thousands of texts for a man to actually sleep with a married woman. That's a lot of work and a lot of time to contemplate the wrongness of it. Sure there's alway the wife out there that doesn't reveal that she's married and I guess I'm not talking about that. 
And just to be fair, what about the husband who cheats, should there be some fear on his part that his male inlaws will "find him". 
So many things are ok with society now that used to be something worth avoiding. So should there be a reason to not sleep with another mans wife outside the simple moral factor? At least some social stigma? There's simply not right now.

Thoughts...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

dogman,

I think your original post has some great insight, and also basically answers the question itself.

Some people heal without revenge...they do not seek it...in fact, they may do more damage to themselves then the other people involved if the seek it.

But others are VERY different. They cannot heal unless they get justice for the wrongs done to them...without retaliation, they feel like a doormat and their own self-esteem will suffer because they feel they just sat there like a helpless victim and 'took' insults and injuries from others.

But I do not think it has anything to do with 'liberal' or 'conservative/traditional' views in life.

Personally, I am in the second category on revenge....cross me at your own peril....I do not do unprovoked bad things to others and I demand the same in return....violate that, and you better expect retaliation of some kind.

At the same time, I am of a very 'liberal' or 'enlightened' opinion on nearly every social or political issue you can imagine, shockingly so to some of my very religious family members (I no longer believe).


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

dogman said:


> I know if a woman wants to cheat she will, but many times it takes hours of talking and thousands of texts for a man to actually sleep with a married woman. That's a lot of work and a lot of time to contemplate the wrongness of it.


It's a lot of time for the woman to contemplate the wrongness of talking and texting another man behind her husband's back. 

What, you don't think the woman knows the man is also interested in sex? :scratchhead:


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

The best "revenge" for your spouse cheating on you is dumping their cheating butt, making sure you protect your assets, and enjoying life without a cheater.

Life minus a cheater is an improvement, all other things being equal.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Just my personal take, but I believe that the revenge against the OM/OW should be proportional to the severity of their actions during the A.

Exposing them to their SO's is just the starting baseline point. But there are some OM's who are not just content with boinking your wife. They want to brag about it and humiliate you in the process; and they deserve some extra attention.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

As a guy if you come at me my 1st instinct is to stand my ground and defend myself blow for blow. But like any battle I must choose my fights carefully. It may not be in my best interest to fight or try to win. Maybe it’s just better FkIt and walk way.


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## JohnnyMyst (Feb 13, 2014)

I'll tell you a true story. 

I became friends with a married couple. Tom was 30, stout, and a great guy. His wife Bonnie was 27, beautiful, flirty, vivacious and fun to be around. They were married (7 or so years) and had 3 small children. They had frequent marriage problems and legally separated. Six months into the separation Tom discovered Bonnie was dating a man and was enraged. Tom found out who he was and were he lived.

Tom made the decision to confront the guy. When the man refused to open his apartment door, Tom kicked it in. The man ran into his bedroom, locked the door, then ran into the bathroom and locked himself inside. Tom kicked in the bedroom door, then the bathroom door. The man inside fired 7 rounds from a .45 from less than 8 feet away. Tom was pronounced dead at the scene.

A great guy dead, 3 kids without a father, and a lot of people with one less friend. All because Tom could not control his anger. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

All good responses.
I think the high road is tough sometimes. And the low road is sometimes satisfying in the short term and destructive in the long term. 
But with that said there needs to be more negative reinforcement on spouse stealers and infidelity needs to have an impact on the outcome of the financial end of a divorce more than it does, I realize in some states it may have an impact but not most and not enough.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think revenge is fine, but like one poster stared, it has to be proportional. And personal. My ex had 3 betrayals yet I only went one of them as it was the only situation that called for it. Another, by the totality of his actions, destroyed his reputation and his business collapsed. The last one was just a sad loser and I had had enough.

The type of revenge I think is useless is damaging their property or something like that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JohnnyMyst said:


> I'll tell you a true story.
> 
> I became friends with a married couple. Tom was 30, stout, and a great guy. His wife Bonnie was 27, beautiful, flirty, vivacious and fun to be around. They were married (7 or so years) and had 3 small children. They had frequent marriage problems and legally separated. Six months into the separation Tom discovered Bonnie was dating a man and was enraged. Tom found out who he was and were he lived.
> 
> ...


Had the wife never cheated on him, there wouldn't be a situation tot begin with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This thread reminds me that sometimes there is a very fine line between revenge and consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

dogman said:


> ''The best way to understand revenge is not as some disease or moral failing or crime but as a deeply human and sometimes very functional behavior,'' said Dr. Michael McCullough, a psychologist at the University of Miami. ''Revenge can be a very good deterrent to bad behavior, and bring feelings of completeness and fulfillment.''
> 
> Retaliatory acts, anthropologists have long argued, help keep people in line where formal laws or enforcement do not exist.
> 
> ...


I'm so happy you posted this. The McCullough quote is exactly what I've been trying to say here about getting revenge on the wayward and their AP for the last two years. Revenge has its value to the betrayed and society as a whole. Your posting is right on the money, as usual, Dogman


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

dogman said:


> Revenge
> 
> 
> but what about the part of discouraging men from preying on other men's wives?


Good luck with that.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I've posted it here till I'm blue in the face. 

It should be expected that if you touch another man's wife, repercussions will follow. Anything less is letting down a set of morals that have existed hand in hand with marriage throughout the years. Only recently have our sissy-breeches laws and courts put a stop to this, and (expectedly) infidelity and morals are in a horribly intolerable state.

The OM in my case has backed down and been humiliated, and has physically barricaded himself to protect his precious skirt wearing, menstruating split tail. He's a coward- he knows it, his coworkers know it, but he's too afraid to do anything about it. What a POS. I'd much sooner take a few punches than behave that way.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Forest, what about your wayward, did she pay a price?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Some insightful replies here. I think revenge upon another man should be in inverse proportion to the guilt of the cheating wife. If she was fairly innocent the revenge upon other man should be harsh. (preferably by legal means) If she was the main perpetrator of the affair the other man might get more of a pass. 

Truthfully, some affair partners should be rewarded by the betrayed spouse for taking the POS cheating spouse off their hands. I have thus come to see my situation after a couple of decades. 

In my case those many years ago I promptly left town and never returned because I knew myself well enough that, having the ability and disposition to inflict epic revenge, I chose to not tempt myself. I'm exceedingly glad I did this. It saved me from the death penalty. No doubt.

However, I did get my revenge. I improved myself and became everything good that my ex could have ever wanted. I am a better man than POSOM in every aspect and I know without a shadow of a doubt that my ex does not deserve me, nor would I ever settle for her again. I now have a wife who is much better.

I also know that I took the high road and restrained myself when I had every opportunity, ability and inclination to inflict any and every level of horror upon those who betrayed me. To those of you recently betrayed, I can tell you that I like what I see in the mirror and I feel a special peace with myself that is priceless. I invite you to choose this path.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Forest, what about your wayward, did she pay a price?


Yes, she's been thru all the tears, shame, counseling, apologies. She's watched me suffer. Endured countless shouting episodes, the occasional smashing episode, the whole shltstorm.

Also, when she ended it she quit her job, went to the doctor, got back to church, that kind of thing. Changed her behavior at home. Am I all nicey and forgivey toward her now that I know? No. Still working on a lot of areas.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

JohnnyMyst said:


> I'll tell you a true story.
> 
> I became friends with a married couple. Tom was 30, stout, and a great guy. His wife Bonnie was 27, beautiful, flirty, vivacious and fun to be around. They were married (7 or so years) and had 3 small children. They had frequent marriage problems and legally separated. Six months into the separation Tom discovered Bonnie was dating a man and was enraged. Tom found out who he was and were he lived.
> 
> ...


I bet Bonnie is not so much fun to be with now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cheating isn't a justified response to perceived problems in a marriage and it makes things worse

violence isn't a justified response to being cheated on and it makes things worse


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dogman said:


> If you've read my story about my father (my fathers secret) you know that he got physical revenge on the OM, he seemed to heal somewhat but had a wife who was only a little sorry. I've read some scenarios on here where there was healing without any revenge of any kind.


Your father should have been more concerned with his wife over the OM. Anger towards the OM is justified, but no more than the wife. IMO one should not wish to dole out more dire consequences to the OM/OW than they would to their own spouse.
And no, I'm not saying if he committed violence against OM he should have beat his wife. I'm saying he could have picked a non-violent form of revenge, and reserve the brunt of his wrath on his wife if he felt the need for revenge.

And if his desire was to reconcile, then no revenge, not for his wife, and not for the OM. If you are going to treat the WS with kid gloves, then the OM/OW should become irrelevant at that point....unless they are continuously in pursuit of the spouse.




> But thats the healing part....but what about the part of discouraging men from preying on other men's wives?


That's the wives' job. If they are willing, nothing will discourage the POSOM and the wife is a POS as well.




> Why not steal time with another mans wife if you can walk scott free?


Why not? Because some men aren't pieces of sh!t. Only an outright POS will bed down someone elses wife, much less do it and not care who he is helping to hurt.




> I know if a woman wants to cheat she will, but many times it takes hours of talking and thousands of texts for a man to actually sleep with a married woman.


And that's because the woman is allowing it because she enjoys it. A wife with integrity and worth a crap will shut such a man down early.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

And as far as revenge, it appears to me that some here that have cheated on their spouses will indirectly out their behaviors as revenge against their BS for things they did or didn't do in the marriage. 

A WS will use "neglect" or lack of a particular frequency of sex as an excuse, and cheating is the revenge for that BS's shortcomings.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Your father should have been more concerned with his wife over the OM. Anger towards the OM is justified, but no more than the wife. IMO one should not wish to dole out more dire consequences to the OM/OW than they would to their own spouse.
> And no, I'm not saying if he committed violence against OM he should have beat his wife. I'm saying he could have picked a non-violent form of revenge, and reserve the brunt of his wrath on his wife if he felt the need for revenge.
> 
> And if his desire was to reconcile, then no revenge, not for his wife, and not for the OM. If you are going to treat the WS with kid gloves, then the OM/OW should become irrelevant at that point....unless they are continuously in pursuit of the spouse.
> ...


I theoretically agree with this but in reality I disagree with almost everything you've said here.

The truth is some things you have need to be protected and others need to be afraid to abuse what's yours. This is not a new idea this is centuries old....no wait...this is as old as mankind. If youre weak, people will take whats yours or simply what you're set to protect. I had some scenarios play out with my sisters when I was young and even my own mother, later I had the same thing with my daughter. If I wasn't there to "enforce" respect for those I love then they would have been abused whether they brought that on themselves or not. If it's my daughter choosing to mess with a bad boy should I let it play out bc she is asking for trouble. And let the bad boy walk away when he's done since it was my daughters fault? I think not.
If it's my wife who chose to cheat then I'll deal with her by divorcing or whatever but I'll be damned if I'll let someone take what's mine without some kind of repercussion. And honestly, I feel like most of the time in my experience the guys who take SH!t and walk away saying they are better than that bc they don't engage the bully, are copping out. I'm not saying a beating but they have to be dealt with because it matters.

Many on here will fault me for this but I have to be able to look in the mirror and, for me, a POSOM will have to feel it. 


Like I said, I get your point...I just disagree.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I agree the POSOM will need to feel it. I won't begrudge anyone a little satisfaction towards the OM/OW.

But the spouse that cheated on you needs to feel it MORE. Does that make more sense?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I still believe the best revenge is to live well. I am forever changed by my x wifes cheating but I live a great life now and on my own terms. 

She has been dumped and found out that dating as a divorced twice, mom of two, with cheating on every relationship she has been isn't easy. The fantasy bubble I would say has burst.

I thought that would be my experience being single but total opposite. Great age and time to date. Worked out for me


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

vellocet said:


> I agree the POSOM will need to feel it. I won't begrudge anyone a little satisfaction towards the OM/OW.
> 
> But the spouse that cheated on you needs to feel it MORE. Does that make more sense?


:iagree:QFT


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

vellocet said:


> I agree the POSOM will need to feel it. I won't begrudge anyone a little satisfaction towards the OM/OW.
> 
> But the spouse that cheated on you needs to feel it MORE. Does that make more sense?


I agree.


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