# Question about stepson's crying



## personofinterest

Let me start by saying I see nothing wrong with boys/men showing emotion. My big 6/3" son broke down crying just last year, and I held him while he did. My husband cries from time to time. Nothing shameful about men crying.

My step son is a GREAT kid. Thoughtful, funny, creative, kind. He is about to be 12. Thing is...he cries about, well, everything. If he can't find something, he cries. If he doesn't get his way, he cries. Here's an example. This weekend he was with us, and on Saturday, he said he couldn't find his cap. He looked in the car and it wasn't there. We called his grandmother (my hubby's mom) to see if he had left it in their car the night before. His granddad was out with the car at the time, but grandma said she didn't remember him having a hat. I could see he was about to tear up, and he was frantically insisting that he DID have the hat in their car. I told him that just in case, while we were waiting for grandpa to get home, I would call his mom and see if he might have left it in her car and just forgotten.

Well, it wasn't in grandma's car, and I couldn't get mom to answer. I tried reassuring him that I forget where I put things sometimes, so it's fine if he didn't exactly remember. That I know he is careful with his things and that it HAD to be in one of those three places, so it probably WAS in her car.

No dice. He still freaked out. Something like this happened a few months ago when we got half way to dropping him back off at his mom's (an hour drive), and he realized he had forgotten a picture he had drawn for her.

I can understand a 6 or 7 year old doing this. But he is starting middle school in a couple of weeks, and I REALLY worry about him. I was a teacher, and I have seen what happens to 12 year old boys who cry over everything. Bullying is absolutely wrong - don't misunderstand me. But I am really really worried he will become a target. He also worries about everything, but that is more his mom's influence. For example, I bought some lettuce to make a salad (it was organic from a local store). He had heard something on the news about salads at Wal Mart having listeria, and he went on and on about being worried about that lettuce and how he thought we should throw it away. His dad got choked when some popcorn went down wrong, and he coughed, and his son was very upset because dad didn't cover his mouth and now everyone would get sick.

I have two kids on the spectrum, one of whom is OCD, and he displays non e of that type of thing, so I do not think this is a disorder. I think it may be more a maturity thing?

It really isn't my place to say anything to him, but I wonder if I should ask his dad what he thinks? Being a step-mom can be tricky. I don't want to butt in, but I don't want him getting bullied either.


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## sunsetmist

Sounds like he has a lot of anxiety and maybe some depression? His hormones are starting to rage too--or maybe they aren't and he worries about that. Is the timing related to attending school? Perhaps you should let your husband take the lead on this, but continue to be aware. Great to have a caring step-mom.


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## personofinterest

sunsetmist said:


> Sounds like he has a lot of anxiety and maybe some depression? His hormones are starting to rage too--or maybe they aren't and he worries about that. Is the timing related to attending school? Perhaps you should let your husband take the lead on this, but continue to be aware. Great to have a caring step-mom.


I'm not sure. He's always been the way he is since I have known him. But he also struggles academically, and I know that probably bothers him. He's just so much fun and such a good kid, I hate the thought of him having a hard time.

I do know that he want to a child's counselor during their divorce. My husband came home from a hunting trip, and all his stuff was gone, along with his wife and son. She had been having an affair and she left while he was out of town. His son was 5 or 6 years old. I'm sure hormones are probably playing a part as well. His voice is starting to drop a bit over the summer, and the pants we bought him in the spring are way too short now lol.

Both my kids have always been so much like their dad - almost non-emotional at times. I may not have a normal frame of reference. And it may be that crying is his mode of expression because anger is frowned upon? I sometimes feel for young males. They have all this testosterone, and their bodies are changing. But they aren't supposed to be angry or aggressive. And they aren't supposed to cry. And we expect them to sit in a desk for 7 hours.....

No wonder they struggle sometimes.


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## sunsetmist

Thinking psychoeducational testing might separate academic problems from others. You sound savvy in this area. Your husband could broach this subject. Can see why your stepson might worry about being abandoned.


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## Oceania

Forgive me for being blunt it's early morn where I am. Do you think he might be gay? Either way you're right in that he will be in for a tough time at school if he's in any way viewed as a 'drama queen'. So does he have more girl friends rather than mates? He'll need to have friends or at least one good friend at school. Yes your husband will have to take the lead in this but with guidance and insight from you because of experience with schools.

From what I have read of your posts your husband is very lucky to have you. All the best.


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## brooklynAnn

I dont think he has learned how to cope with stress. He sees everything as black and white. He did not develope the capacity and the ability to have reasoning and work out how he can handle things. So the most ready respond is to cry which allows him to release his tension. It's his coping mechanism. 

It also a learned behavior. He has seen someone using tears as their coping mechanism and he is mirroring it. 

What i can advice is that you teach him different ways to work things out. Like e.g. what would happen if your cap is lost? We get a new one or we go without or we wait and hope we find it....

He just needs to relearn how to handle each situation as they come.


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## brooklynAnn

And I do agree thats its tough being a young boy. Everyone expects them to act tough and be brave. Sometimes they are scared and need to be handle with care and compassion. 

In middle school, i wrote a letter to our principal relating some of the ways I saw the boys being treated. She shared my letter with the teachers and they were all so glad that I brought this to their attention. 

Later, in high school my Dd had a talk about this with the girls. 

Just becuase he is a boy does not make him braver, stronger with more capacity to take being yelled at or talk down to. It will take long while for those straits to develope. In the mean time we teach and guide and prepare them for manhood.

Your stepson is lucky to have you. I am sure you all will find a way to help and guide him.💟


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## personofinterest

I am going to be blunt and I apologize in advance. His mother babies him. As do his grandparents. Crying typically "works." I do think there is something to the idea that he does not know how to handle life's hiccups. I think he has been heavily helicoptered. Of course, that is out of my control, and I certainly would not say that or get involved in that kind of thing. His mother has a big tendency to worry, and his grandmother (my MIL who I DO adore - she is so sweet) is a huge worrier. 

I don't think he is gay. He seems to notice pretty girls, and when they had a 5th grade dance, he invited a girl. She ended up being grounded, but he was still stoked because he went by himself and said his "REAL crush" asked him to dance lol (it was a girl, yes). Of course, if he is, I'm not going to freak out or anything.

I believe his is likely emotionally and academically immature. This will probably work itself out with time, but in the meantime, I wish I could give him some "tools" to deal with stress. I'm a lot like my parents were. You fall, and their response was, "Oops, no blood! Keep playing!" I mean, I am not lacking in compassion, but I do not rush over flailing in concern for a scraped knee. I kiss and put on a band aid and send them back out there.

I get the idea that when all of the leaving and divorce stuff went down, and of course he had a hard time, and people tended to go overboard? Like in the attempt to make him "okay" they have bubble-wrapped him? I'm not sure how to express it. Then again, I may be just grasping. In the end, I'm not sure the "why" of the past is as important as giving him tools now.

Thanks for the insights though. I'm just going to keep trying to be a good step mom and do like I did with my own. 2 or 3 years from now he'll be a different kid because that's what puberty does lol


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## Rowan

The behavior you're describing is a pretty good indicator that the kid is suffering from anxiety. A therapist might be able to help him work out ways to cope with his emotions and deal with stress more effectively so that he functions better. Yes, greater maturity will help. Hopefully. If his helicoptering mother will allow him to actually mature. But in the mean time, it wouldn't hurt to suggest getting the kid some professional help learning coping skills. 

Oh, also, my ADHD son can become fixated on things from time to time. When it's something productive, it's usually a positive. But sometimes it's non-productive worrying about a potential bad outcome. It's a bit like mild OCD that comes and goes and shifts targets a lot. It happens because he has a harder time than most kids calming and focusing his brain enough to think through logical outcomes. He gets "stuck" in worry/obsessing mode and it can take a bit of doing to get him unstuck. Again, if that's what's going on, then he needs help developing coping skills. A good therapist or a developmental pediatrician would be great places to start.


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## Magnesium

The trouble with babying children is that it causes anxiety and the response to that anxiety reinforces the response. So, he may have an anxiety problem and his crying about everything is part manipulative and part lack of coping mechanisms, but he is getting his needs met through the responses people have to his crying. Vicious circle. Add in the fact that he is a 12 year old boy and his hormones are probably making him crazy and I do not envy you the next few years!

I would ignore the crying and the lead up to it. If he can't find his hat, repeat a few words, don't go searching with him, calling everyone in the world to track it down, or catering to his fears. Remind him that it is only a hat and he can look for it later. Try diversionary tactics - probably one - and then ignore the rest. When he stops getting "fed" for this behavior, it will probably stop. At least you can teach him he won't get what he is seeking through that behavior around you. That's a start.


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## Andy1001

Does he have any hobbies or participate in any sporting activities? Anything that involves physicality?
If I can be blunt this boy needs to toughen up because he will be eaten alive in middle school.For a twelve year old boy to start crying it would be as if he drew a target on his back.
When I was ten I was bullied in school and my Dads answer was to send me to boxing lessons.I took to it like a duck to water and after a few weeks I started talking Karate classes also.
Nobody ever bullied me again lol.


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## personofinterest

Andy1001 said:


> Does he have any hobbies or participate in any sporting activities? Anything that involves physicality?
> If I can be blunt this boy needs to toughen up because he will be eaten alive in middle school.For a twelve year old boy to start crying it would be as if he drew a target on his back.
> When I was ten I was bullied in school and my Dads answer was to send me to boxing lessons.I took to it like a duck to water and after a few weeks I started talking Karate classes also.
> Nobody ever bullied me again lol.


 See, this is exactly what I am worried about. We can say all day long in our theoretical utopia that people should just be able to be who they can be tears and all… but in the real world it just doesn't work that way. I'm not saying I like it, I'm just saying I am a pragmatist. I wonder about getting him involved in some physicality. He likes music and computer games and horror movies and that sort of thing. Hes never been very intrested in sports, which is not a problem, but I do think something physical might be good for him. He is on the small side so that can already be sort of a handicap.

It's really hard to balance the warm fuzzy no one should ever be made fun of philosophy with the cold hard real world people are cruel philosophy. I had a hard time with it when I was growing up, and as a teacher I had a hard time with it as well. I always punished the bullies, but there were some kids that justMade it really easy for people to find reasons to bully them. I don't mean that in a badd way, it's just that when you are intentionally and extremely weird and intentionally and extremely in people's face about how we are jus are, kids are going to be main.

My stepson doesn't have to worry about that because he is friendly and funny and everybody likes his personality. The main reason I made all the phone calls about the hat was to try to be prepared to head off any drama. Because honestly I'm not very good at handling drama over things that seem silly. I am more likely to accidentally say it's silly to be that upset over a hat. Now if his dog died I would be ride in they are sobbing uncontrollably with him. But leaving a hat in a car was not something I was prepared to sob about with him. And I want to be a nice person lol


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## I shouldnthave

When I read this, I thought anxiety anxiety anxiety. To be so deeply affected by such little things, to have so much worry and consternation - I admit, I am not a parent - nor a teacher (but I do coach a group of kids).

You are worried about bullies having their way with him? LIFE will eat him up and spit him out unless this anxiety (and at its core insecurity) is addressed. 

Coddling and hoovering does not make for a confident and secure kid, it does just the opposite. 

Empowering a child, encroaching independence, letting a child learn that they are capable - THESE are the things that build confidence and security. It has to come from within, from their own actions, from their own achievements - and the adults simply need to provide the opportunities so the kid can expand their comfort zones, trip and fall, and learn from their mistakes. 

I know 12 year olds that can hold it together while a German riding instructor shouts commands. Kids that age that are extremely independent and capable - they don't need mommy and daddy holding their hand every step of the way. They have earned their knocks and bruises and came out the other side stronger people. 

Curious... something like the dad coughing incident. How was that handled? Was he educated a bit on how his reaction was unreasonable? About how life is a big dirty world and we have these amazing immune systems, and he can't like the little things like this affect him so much? 

He seems to be "sweating the little stuff" to the extreme - when life starts throwing the big stuff, I worry he will be totally unable to cope.



personofinterest said:


> The main reason I made all the phone calls about the hat was to try to be prepared to head off any drama. Because honestly I'm not very good at handling drama over things that seem silly. *I am more likely to accidentally say it's silly to be that upset over a hat.* Now if his dog died I would be ride in they are sobbing uncontrollably with him. But leaving a hat in a car was not something I was prepared to sob about with him. And I want to be a nice person lol


Whats wrong with saying its silly to be upset over a hat? IT IS silly to be this upset over a hat. Maybe he could talk through as to WHY he is so upset? Maybe that will help him better understand and control his emotions? 

LIFE is going to tell him its silly to lose his cool over a hat - its not a productive way to live life. Now are people going to keep permitting this kind of behavior, or help him see that its not acceptable?


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## sunsetmist

It is not the event that causes tears. It is his fear, his overriding anxiety that overwhelms him. I had a family member who took lessons in the marital arts and did a real turnaround. They teach more than just moves. This young man needs some confidence.


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## Maxwedge 413

I don't think I've seen anything about his father other than his wife snuck out on him, and that he is bad at eating popcorn. Does his father interact with him much? I see lots of women analyzing a nervous little boy. What he needs is a man to teach him how to be a man. There is nothing wrong with crying or feeling emotional or being gay (not that he is). But a woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man in a man's world. That is his father's job.


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## happiness27

personofinterest said:


> See, this is exactly what I am worried about. We can say all day long in our theoretical utopia that people should just be able to be who they can be tears and all… but in the real world it just doesn't work that way. I'm not saying I like it, I'm just saying I am a pragmatist. I wonder about getting him involved in some physicality. He likes music and computer games and horror movies and that sort of thing. Hes never been very intrested in sports, which is not a problem, but I do think something physical might be good for him. He is on the small side so that can already be sort of a handicap.
> 
> It's really hard to balance the warm fuzzy no one should ever be made fun of philosophy with the cold hard real world people are cruel philosophy. I had a hard time with it when I was growing up, and as a teacher I had a hard time with it as well. I always punished the bullies, but there were some kids that justMade it really easy for people to find reasons to bully them. I don't mean that in a badd way, it's just that when you are intentionally and extremely weird and intentionally and extremely in people's face about how we are jus are, kids are going to be main.
> 
> My stepson doesn't have to worry about that because he is friendly and funny and everybody likes his personality. The main reason I made all the phone calls about the hat was to try to be prepared to head off any drama. Because honestly I'm not very good at handling drama over things that seem silly. I am more likely to accidentally say it's silly to be that upset over a hat. Now if his dog died I would be ride in they are sobbing uncontrollably with him. But leaving a hat in a car was not something I was prepared to sob about with him. And I want to be a nice person lol


I've raised 3 girls and heavily involved with 4 grandchildren (3 boys) and the middle school years are where they are surging with new hormonal changes. You are doing everything you can, being there for him in a myriad of ways and I think that is the most important thing. Thank goodness you are the person you are. 

I have one grandson who is probably "on the spectrum" a bit. He gets pretty bent out of shape if things aren't familiar. He's had a similar life to your stepson - disruptive family situations, some unpredictability in who is telling him what to do, behave and reacting to his personality. 

Give you a for instance: He had a jacket he really loved and, well, he outgrew it and wanted to look for one in a bigger size. He wanted THAT jacket. In a bigger size. I took him to a mall and we looked in every store, looked at other possibilities, even had a young, pretty clerk help him off on his own for awhile in the store so he could be with a peer to help him decide. By sheer DUMB LUCK, we found a store that had the exact same jacket (this was not a common jacket) and in the size he wanted/needed. I was never so ecstatic over anything as I was helping this kid get something that would ease his anxiety. 

Was it a little thing? Not to HIM. 

Another quirk...he's small...short and thin. He absolutely hated it. He refused to be consoled about it. It was on his mind daily. No matter how many times we tried to assure him that he would grow, he refused to believe it and was really depressed about it a lot. Well, FINALLY, when he turned 14, he began to grow a bit and, yeah, just about right on time, he shot up several inches and his voice dropped an octave. ::::)))))

Yes, something as little as a hat can turn into a big deal because kids are processing so much. 

It wouldn't be out of line at all to let him have a therapist to sort of have a safe place to dump some of his emotions to give him some ideas on how to process them.


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## TeddieG

brooklynAnn said:


> I dont think he has learned how to cope with stress. He sees everything as black and white. He did not develope the capacity and the ability to have reasoning and work out how he can handle things. So the most ready respond is to cry which allows him to release his tension. It's his coping mechanism.
> 
> It also a learned behavior. He has seen someone using tears as their coping mechanism and he is mirroring it.
> 
> What i can advice is that you teach him different ways to work things out. Like e.g. what would happen if your cap is lost? We get a new one or we go without or we wait and hope we find it....
> 
> He just needs to relearn how to handle each situation as they come.


I read this far and haven't read further yet, but this sounds exactly like my niece's stepson. He's not 12, but every time we've had a family gathering and he's there, he has some sort of drama. Someone looked at him funny, or wouldn't give him a toy, or if he tripped over the toy truck in the floor, it is someone's fault for leaving it there. I attribute it to him having to compete for attention. His mother remarried and has a child with her second husband, and when he's at my niece's his dad is often at work, and she has two younger children with the boy's father. It's a learned behavior, I think, and I hope he grows out of it.


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## NobodySpecial

My son was younger. But he was just ACCUSTOMED to responding with crying when things went wrong. No joke. Pure habit. I asked him one time, are you really upset or are you just used to crying? The fact that he was coherent enough to hear and think of the question was telling. He thought for a second and said, no I am not really particularly upset. And went about his business. Many fewer tears were shed after that. I have NO IDEA of that is helpful.


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## personofinterest

Maxwedge 413 said:


> I don't think I've seen anything about his father other than his wife snuck out on him, and that he is bad at eating popcorn. Does his father interact with him much? I see lots of women analyzing a nervous little boy. What he needs is a man to teach him how to be a man. There is nothing wrong with crying or feeling emotional or being gay (not that he is). But a woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man in a man's world. That is his father's job.


They spend lots of time together. I dont think a lot of his family realizes how old 12 actually is. The women seem to have him stuck around 6 or 7


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## Diana7

I am sure that being ripped away from his home and dad out of the blue a few years ago didn't help.


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## SarcasticRed

It sounds to me like some major anxiety issues. All the examples you gave...they were all times he was worried about something. Not crying because he was physically hurt or sad about his dog dying but things he was worried about. It seems like you (general "you"-his family) doesn't have the skills to teach him the skills to cope so he really should see a therapist for a few sessions at least to learn some coping techniques. Any 12 year old who cries a lot will have a hard time at school. But he might be different at school. You could ask his teachers. If he is holding it together at school either 1) that is taking all of his emotional energy or 2) he has learned crying as a reaction to stress at home. Either way, it needs to be addressed. 

12 is pretty young still, especially for a boy. I teach 11 and 12-year-olds and it continues to amaze me the wide variety in their maturity. HUGE range. 

And speaking from personal experience but when I am anxious and freaking out about something, my husband telling me to "just calm down" or "it is no big deal, why are you so upset" makes me want to punch him in the face. Even if just says "I can see how anxious you are about this. How can I help?" that is a totally different response. Not all kids/people respond well to 'tough love'. 

He pediatrician would be a good starting point. As step-mom, it might be a hard situation for you to take the lead on, but maybe his dad can help with that?


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## personofinterest

Interesting Li enough, this morning he was telling us that his friend down the street told him that kids can be mean in middle school. I told him about a few girls who were made to me in 6th grade. Then we talked about what it was like when I was a teacher in middle school. I told him that I noticed that the kids who kind of learned to ignore it and laugh it off didn't get bullied very long because it wasn't much fun for the bullies. But that the kids who really got upset and cried seemed to make the bullies even worse because bullies are main and they want to make people cry. His dad reinforced the S by saying he remembered the same thing. I then told him how I learned how to breathe through it at school and then when I got home if I need it to cry I would talk to my mom or dad. It was a really good conversation, and he seemed to really be taking it all in period I ended the conversation by telling him how friendly and funny he was and how everybody in the neighborhood likes him so he shouldn't have much problem at all. I was glad it came up


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## cashcratebob

Maxwedge 413 said:


> I don't think I've seen anything about his father other than his wife snuck out on him, and that he is bad at eating popcorn. Does his father interact with him much? I see lots of women analyzing a nervous little boy. What he needs is a man to teach him how to be a man. There is nothing wrong with crying or feeling emotional or being gay (not that he is). But a woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man in a man's world. That is his father's job.


I was going to say something similar...plus it sounds like the coddling he is receiving is likely winning out over whatever interaction he has with his dad. 

Also, to muddy the waters, 12 years old is when things can start to get rather emotional for any child, so that could be exasperating his feelings. I remember an uptick in emotions in my self around that time.


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## Randy Lafever

Does the child express other emotions freely, or not at all? 

The reason I ask is that I am 33 years old but do not express emotion of any kind. You might think this sounds like a good deal. But it has a down side. The emotion still exists, I just squash it down inside me. Every once in a while (twice in the past decade, for example) I loosen my emotional clamp just a little bit. The issue is that I don't know how to deal with emotions because I have repressed them since before I can remember. So when that little bit of steam comes leaking out of the valve, I can't contain it, and I break down sobbing uncontrollably. For a half hour or so. Even for positive emotions. Sobbing.

Of course, if the child has no issue showing, for example, happiness, or excitement, then ignore everything I just said.


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## turnera

personofinterest said:


> I wish I could give him some "tools" to deal with stress. I'm a lot like my parents were. You fall, and their response was, "Oops, no blood! Keep playing!" I mean, I am not lacking in compassion, but I do not rush over flailing in concern for a scraped knee. I kiss and put on a band aid and send them back out there.


This is good, and you're right. Sometimes it's just frustration, but given the frequency, I doubt that.

I think what might be missing is a sense of capability and a sense of accomplishment. Perhaps have him help you build a coffee table together. Or tile a bathroom. Or start a lawn-mowing business. Or change oil in the car. Or groom the dog. Find ways for him to DO things, so he starts building his quiver full of possibilities. The tendency to cry is usually from a sense of FEAR - fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of judgment...Helping him see that he's very capable of finding solutions will go a LONG way to helping him stop before he resorts to the crying.

And of course, like you say, not RESPONDING to the crying. If you're all packing to go to the ice cream shop and he can't find his favorite cap and starts a fit, just say 'Whoever's going has to be in the car in two minutes; anyone not in the car is gonna miss out' - and then LEAVE if he doesn't buck up. He'll learn soon enough.


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