# Read a past message stream about swingers and find myself in the same situation



## AnyaM

Hi, I'm not to this website, but so far it looks great to be able to discuss things anonymously. I tell my best friend everything, but I found out something about my boyfriend that I can't share with her, because I know she will tell me to kick him out. I found out he was on a swingers website and had used our intimate photos posing as a couple. I confronted him, he said he would never have acted on it. Just likes using it as a porn website. I think I do believe him, but have lost my trust in him. It's good to get some feedback. But I think what I need, naively, is some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing in believing him, without being too trusting, but I just want to see how it goes? I don't know. I'm confused too. I've been lied to by every single man I've ever had a relationship with. I turned 50 this year. I just want a life with no drama. Don't we all I suppose!


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## Casual Observer

Have you set boundaries in your relationship? Because just posting those photos, anywhere, showing them, to anyone, would often be a boundary-crossing situation. If you haven't set boundaries, it's quite possible you're about to discover that he's not looking for the same things you are.


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## Sfort

At the very least, posting the pictures is rude and inconsiderate.


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## SunCMars

A life without drama?
Life is dramatic.

After 50 years your man-picker has not improved. 

Ask the Laird for an upgrade.

I would dump this guy, while you are still young.


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## Blondilocks

Casual Observer said:


> Have you set boundaries in your relationship? *Because just posting those photos, anywhere, showing them, to anyone, would often be a boundary-crossing situation.* If you haven't set boundaries, it's quite possible you're about to discover that he's not looking for the same things you are.


It is also illegal.


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## dadstartingover

Your desire for a normal no-drama life is causing you to ignore some pretty freakin' huge red flags... and ironically introducing some drama into your life.

What you're showing is a tendency towards being "agreeable". Do you think this has gotten you into trouble with past men?


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## sokillme

AnyaM said:


> Hi, I'm not to this website, but so far it looks great to be able to discuss things anonymously. I tell my best friend everything, but I found out something about my boyfriend that I can't share with her, because I know she will tell me to kick him out. I found out he was on a swingers website and had used our intimate photos posing as a couple. I confronted him, he said he would never have acted on it. Just likes using it as a porn website. I think I do believe him, but have lost my trust in him. It's good to get some feedback. But I think what I need, naively, is some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing in believing him, without being too trusting, but I just want to see how it goes? I don't know. I'm confused too. I've been lied to by every single man I've ever had a relationship with. I turned 50 this year. I just want a life with no drama. Don't we all I suppose!


You should tell your friend, she would be right. This is not appropriate and abusive. Sharing your intimate photos without your consent is just gross. You don't know him as well as you think.

Discard.
Next.


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## Married but Happy

Posting your photos is a violation of trust, IMO, unless he had told you that he wanted to join whatever site and post photos. And most people on such sites aren't there to be someone's porn object, despite being there to find consensual sex partners. People just there as voyeurs are usually viewed as parasites.


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## jlg07

This is your BF, not your husband. You REALLY need to think about continuing this relationship -- what IF you were to get married? Would you want someone who felt it was OK to treat intimate pics of you in such a way, and NOT letting you know? Do you WANT to be in a relationship with someone who ACTIVELY wants to be a swinger? There are plenty of porn sites that show amateur swinging porn that he could have been watching -- NOT going on to an ACTUAL site where swingers go to meet other swingers.

You should work on YOU and getting your picker better -- don't be so accepting of things that are outside what YOU have as boundaries.


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## happyhusband0005

So what you need to do is get onto the profile he created and check out what he is doing on the site. The swinger sites are loaded (probably the majority of profiles) with guys pretending to be part of a couple who swing. Often these guys wives/gfs have no idea what the guy is up to. Some of the guys treat it like a free porn chat, some are looking for couples looking for a guy for a hotwife or cuckold fantasy. 

So what does his profile say? Has he exchanged messages with anyone? Has he portrayed himself as looking to meetup? 

Basically him setting up the account using pics of you without you knowing is bad, creepy, and highly disrespectful to you. It only gets worse if he is using your pics to suggest you are on board with something you're not. How dishonest is he being in his dishonesty. 

In the end there is enough betrayal in posting of pics of you in the way he did that you have very good reason and are wise to not trust him at all.


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## EveningThoughts

You say that you can't tell your best friend about this situation, because she will then tell you to kick him out.

So, you know your friend well enough to predict her response.
Does she usually give good advice and want the best for you?
If so, then it would be worth you giving that advice and the rest posted on here, some serious thought.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?
Did you take intimate photos with previous partners, or has this one pushed more for them than others have?
Has your boyfriend been involved in swinging or threesomes in his past?

Using your pictures without your knowledge or consent is a huge betrayal. Unless you had previously discussed sharing them.

It's possible he wouldn't have done anything more on the site as most meetups require couples. 
What was he looking for, and who was he chatting with on there?
Sometimes these sites will advertise for a male to join for MFM, so a couple with an extra guy. 
Make sure your boyfriend wasn't looking to be that third person for another couple, (or alternatively he might have wanted a guy to join you two)


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## BlueWoman

AnyaM said:


> Hi, I'm not to this website, but so far it looks great to be able to discuss things anonymously. I tell my best friend everything, but I found out something about my boyfriend that I can't share with her because I know she will tell me to kick him out. I found out he was on a swingers website and had used our intimate photos posing as a couple. I confronted him, he said he would never have acted on it. Just likes using it as a porn website. I think I do believe him, but have lost my trust in him. It's good to get some feedback. But I think what I need, naively, is some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing in believing him, without being too trusting, but I just want to see how it goes? I don't know. I'm confused too. I've been lied to by every single man I've ever had a relationship with. I turned 50 this year. I just want a life with no drama. Don't we all I suppose!


I think your best friend is pretty smart. And she would be right when she tells you to kick him out. You are 50? I'm almost 50 and I look at it to mean that I don't have time to waste on cheaters and liars.


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## AnyaM

happyhusband0005 said:


> So what you need to do is get onto the profile he created and check out what he is doing on the site. The swinger sites are loaded (probably the majority of profiles) with guys pretending to be part of a couple who swing. Often these guys wives/gfs have no idea what the guy is up to. Some of the guys treat it like a free porn chat, some are looking for couples looking for a guy for a hotwife or cuckold fantasy.
> 
> So what does his profile say? Has he exchanged messages with anyone? Has he portrayed himself as looking to meetup?
> 
> Basically him setting up the account using pics of you without you knowing is bad, creepy, and highly disrespectful to you. It only gets worse if he is using your pics to suggest you are on board with something you're not. How dishonest is he being in his dishonesty.
> 
> In the end there is enough betrayal in posting of pics of you in the way he did that you have very good reason and are wise to not trust him at all.


Since I confronted him, he has shared all his passwords with me, I've been on the website on his phone. He has posed as a couple and when I questioned him he said he said he uses it like porn and would never meet up with anybody because that would mean involving me. We have been together for nearly 3 years. He makes me so happy, we have so many interests. I'm trying to be open minded. I know most men like porn. As long as it's not harming anybody else I'm fine with that. But because this is so unlike him, I'm scared that I don't really know him at all, and I'm struggling with that so much because we are so close. My heart tells me it's just voyeurism. It's really hurtful that he used photos of me, I thought it was just a bit of fun just for us. I'm so confused. I've had such a ****ty time with men, a really bad divorce after being married for 20 years. Met another man and he had an affair too and buggered off 2 days before Christmas. Is there any man out there that ticks every single box? Or is there always something in a relationship that causes problems?


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## AnyaM

EveningThoughts said:


> You say that you can't tell your best friend about this situation, because she will then tell you to kick him out.
> 
> So, you know your friend well enough to predict her response.
> Does she usually give good advice and want the best for you?
> If so, then it would be worth you giving that advice and the rest posted on here, some serious thought.
> 
> How long have you been with your boyfriend?
> Did you take intimate photos with previous partners, or has this one pushed more for them than others have?
> Has your boyfriend been involved in swinging or threesomes in his past?
> 
> Using your pictures without your knowledge or consent is a huge betrayal. Unless you had previously discussed sharing them.
> 
> It's possible he wouldn't have done anything more on the site as most meetups require couples.
> What was he looking for, and who was he chatting with on there?
> Sometimes these sites will advertise for a male to join for MFM, so a couple with an extra guy.
> Make sure your boyfriend wasn't looking to be that third person for another couple, (or alternatively he might have wanted a guy to join you two)


He says he has never been involved in any swinging of any kind, he just likes to use it as porn. I have been on the website on our profile. I have told him not to delete it so that I can look at it from time to time. He has given me all the passwords to all his devices. I really honestly don't think he would ever meet up with anybody without me, and seeing as I didn't know anything about it, he wouldn't be able to meet up as couple! In every other area he treats me with respect, curtesy. I can honestly say I understand how women feel now when they say they've found their best friend. This is why I am so confused.


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## AnyaM

Married but Happy said:


> Posting your photos is a violation of trust, IMO, unless he had told you that he wanted to join whatever site and post photos. And most people on such sites aren't there to be someone's porn object, despite being there to find consensual sex partners. People just there as voyeurs are usually viewed as parasites.


I think this was voyeurism. Seems a bit cowardly and creepy. I'm trying to be open minded that a bit of kink doesn't mean he doesn't love me, or that he wants to be with anybody else. If it's just porn, can I accept that. I have by the way told him I will be keeping an eye on it and he is not to use it again. He said he would delete it, but I told him not to because he might in the future open a new account that I don't know about. I now know all his passwords to all his devices. He gave me full access to everything.


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## Blondilocks

Ask him how he would feel if you went to the police and inquired about the legality of his actions? May as well put a little fear into him to dissuade him from pulling this again.

You do know that the longer those pics are up, the more people will see them and the more opportunity for someone to recognize you?


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## AnyaM

Blondilocks said:


> Ask him how he would feel if you went to the police and inquired about the legality of his actions? May as well put a little fear into him to dissuade him from pulling this again.
> 
> You do know that the longer those pics are up, the more people will see them and the more opportunity for someone to recognize you?


There was never any of my face!! But yes, they have been deleted. Funnily enough, he is a retired policeman, so going to the police would be a double whammy for him, still lives in the area where he served.


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## Blondilocks

Dang, the dude can't even claim ignorance of the law. I can't understand how he can be so blase about treating you like a piece of furniture. His only excuse is he was treating it like a porn site; but, with total disregard of the fact that you are a human being with rights. You were merely an object to help him meet his goals.


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## happyhusband0005

AnyaM said:


> Since I confronted him, he has shared all his passwords with me, I've been on the website on his phone. He has posed as a couple and when I questioned him he said he said he uses it like porn and would never meet up with anybody because that would mean involving me. We have been together for nearly 3 years. He makes me so happy, we have so many interests. I'm trying to be open minded. I know most men like porn. As long as it's not harming anybody else I'm fine with that. But because this is so unlike him, I'm scared that I don't really know him at all, and I'm struggling with that so much because we are so close. My heart tells me it's just voyeurism. It's really hurtful that he used photos of me, I thought it was just a bit of fun just for us. I'm so confused. I've had such a ****ty time with men, a really bad divorce after being married for 20 years. Met another man and he had an affair too and buggered off 2 days before Christmas. Is there any man out there that ticks every single box? Or is there always something in a relationship that causes problems?


His excuse is plausible, there are plenty of people on those sites there for voyeuristic purposes, but caution is still warranted. It's not a big leap to go from sexy chat with people to meeting up for a drink. I get you are trying to be flexible given you bad luck with past relationships, just keep a close eye on things and watch for red flags and suspicious behaviors. Keep in mind that not all or even a majority of guys are cheaters and maybe look into if there is some common things with guys you're ignoring when choosing men.


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## Diana7

I wouldn't trust him an inch, especially as he posted sexual photos of you without your permission. No way would I stay with this man. You aren't married so find yourself a decent man of integrity.


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## Lostinthought61

Anyam, i am a bit confused still with his thinking process, if i understand this correctly he post a picture of both of you, so he clearly was not looking for himself but as a couple so why not tell you, since you might be recognized...and if he was using this as a porn because these are real people he might actually meet out in public...my point is that there are hundreds of site he could have visited for porn where he did not need to show a picture of himself let alone you as well. 

here is what i conclude thus far based on what you have shared. He either wants to slowly get into swinger of some sort and will slowly work on you to get into it or he is hoping to meet these women in real life and he can masturbate to pictures of these real woman and the price to play that game was a picture of both of you so they would not creep out if it was a picture of just him.,


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## sokillme

AnyaM said:


> Since I confronted him, he has shared all his passwords with me, I've been on the website on his phone. He has posed as a couple and when I questioned him he said he said he uses it like porn and would never meet up with anybody because that would mean involving me. We have been together for nearly 3 years. He makes me so happy, we have so many interests. I'm trying to be open minded. I know most men like porn. As long as it's not harming anybody else I'm fine with that. But because this is so unlike him, I'm scared that I don't really know him at all, and I'm struggling with that so much because we are so close. My heart tells me it's just voyeurism. It's really hurtful that he used photos of me, I thought it was just a bit of fun just for us. I'm so confused. I've had such a ****ty time with men, a really bad divorce after being married for 20 years. Met another man and he had an affair too and buggered off 2 days before Christmas. Is there any man out there that ticks every single box? Or is there always something in a relationship that causes problems?


Lots of men (probably most) men look at porn. They don't share pictures of their girlfriends online. The vast majority of us know this is a very big breach of trust, and he did too. He just did it anyway.

I really feel bad reading this and for what I have to write next but it has to be said. 3 years on a swinging site? He went to the trouble of making a profile while with you? If it were a dating site would you be as cool with it? Finally posting your sexual photos without your consent is abusive and a huge breach of trust. I'm sorry but these are all giant red flags. I would hope that people who eventually swing know better then to post their partners sexual pictures without consent. I would think they talk to their partner. This is more then someone looking at some naked pictures on a video screen to get off, this is a character issue.

Look you say you have a hard time with men but I have to ask, if you are willing to disregard such a big red flag because he makes you feel good, is that why? That is the thing with choosing a mate. Where lots of people go wrong is they use the feels as the guide. But it's like picking a diet by only the most immediate gratification of what taste good, if you did that you are not going to be very healthy. You need to choose using the criteria of what will the long term affects of this food be on my body. What is good for your body and will make you healthy. In the same way you need to pick a mate who is emotionally healthy.

This is a man who is obsessed with swinging enough so that he violated normal healthy boundaries and your consent. I have read enough of these kinds of stories to know that most likely this kind of character flaw is going to lead to a very hard relationship in the long run. And some serious trouble. It will very likely still end with you in pain, but you might lose any control over the ending.

You have seen the red flags, you know it's a big deal or you wouldn't be posting here. You have had to hide it from your girlfriend.

Look it's your life, but you can't say your eyes aren't wide open.


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## AnyaM

sokillme said:


> Lots of men (probably most) men look at porn. They don't share pictures of their girlfriends online. The vast majority of us know this is a very big breach of trust, and he did too. He just did it anyway.
> 
> I really feel bad reading this and for what I have to write next but it has to be said. 3 years on a swinging site? He went to the trouble of making a profile while with you? If it were a dating site would you be as cool with it? Finally posting your sexual photos without your consent is abusive and a huge breach of trust. I'm sorry but these are all giant red flags. I would hope that people who eventually swing know better then to post their partners sexual pictures without consent. I would think they talk to their partner. This is more then someone looking at some naked pictures on a video screen to get off, this is a character issue.
> 
> Look you say you have a hard time with men but I have to ask, if you are willing to disregard such a big red flag because he makes you feel good, is that why? That is the thing with choosing a mate. Where lots of people go wrong is they use the feels as the guide. But it's like picking a diet by only the most immediate gratification of what taste good, if you did that you are not going to be very healthy. You need to choose using the criteria of what will the long term affects of this food be on my body. What is good for your body and will make you healthy. In the same way you need to pick a mate who is emotionally healthy.
> 
> This is a man who is obsessed with swinging enough so that he violated normal healthy boundaries and your consent. I have read enough of these kinds of stories to know that most likely this kind of character flaw is going to lead to a very hard relationship in the long run. And some serious trouble. It will very likely still end with you in pain, but you might lose any control over the ending.
> 
> You have seen the red flags, you know it's a big deal or you wouldn't be posting here. You have had to hide it from your girlfriend.
> 
> Look it's your life, but you can't say your eyes aren't wide open.


Thank you for your frankness. I would give the same advice to my friend. This man if flawed, I am realising that. I never thought he was perfect, but I never ever thought he would cross this line. I can lie and say I'm thinking about leaving, but why lie. I can't face it. I can't face another breakup. Not after the bad times I've had. I don't know what to do. I know I should leave. but I know I won't. I'm trying to rationalize his behaviour.......... and I know anybody reading this will tell me that's wrong. I guess this is a huge flaw in my character. I am always too accepting. For the moment I am staying. It's hit my confidence. I'm working on it. Do I have him one more chance. Will i be in a worse situation down the line..... possibly, but possibly not. People come back from affairs. Are those relationships still imperfect? I don't know. I threw my husband out when I found out about his affairs. I just don't know, that's the problem. 90% of this relationship i so perfect, more than I've ever found before........... aarghh I wish I had a crystal ball.


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## AnyaM

Lostinthought61 said:


> Anyam, i am a bit confused still with his thinking process, if i understand this correctly he post a picture of both of you, so he clearly was not looking for himself but as a couple so why not tell you, since you might be recognized...and if he was using this as a porn because these are real people he might actually meet out in public...my point is that there are hundreds of site he could have visited for porn where he did not need to show a picture of himself let alone you as well.
> 
> here is what i conclude thus far based on what you have shared. He either wants to slowly get into swinger of some sort and will slowly work on you to get into it or he is hoping to meet these women in real life and he can masturbate to pictures of these real woman and the price to play that game was a picture of both of you so they would not creep out if it was a picture of just him.,


I think you're analysis is bang on the nail, with both scenarios. He had a fantansy or a threesome or something else swinging wise that he would love for me to be part of. He has said he would never do anything without me and kept wanting to delete the site after his initial exploration but kept getting drawn in with just one more visit, or one more message. I don't know if he masturbated over some of the photos. That's a bit gross. But I definately think it gave him more credibility to be able to look online as a couple instead of some creepy single guy.


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## sokillme

AnyaM said:


> Thank you for your frankness. I would give the same advice to my friend. This man if flawed, I am realising that. I never thought he was perfect, but I never ever thought he would cross this line. I can lie and say I'm thinking about leaving, but why lie. I can't face it. I can't face another breakup. Not after the bad times I've had. I don't know what to do. I know I should leave. but I know I won't. I'm trying to rationalize his behaviour.......... and I know anybody reading this will tell me that's wrong. I guess this is a huge flaw in my character. I am always too accepting. For the moment I am staying. It's hit my confidence. I'm working on it. Do I have him one more chance. Will i be in a worse situation down the line..... possibly, but possibly not. People come back from affairs. Are those relationships still imperfect? I don't know. I threw my husband out when I found out about his affairs. I just don't know, that's the problem. 90% of this relationship i so perfect, more than I've ever found before........... aarghh I wish I had a crystal ball.


OK, well wait and see but be very vigilant.


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## QuietRiot

AnyaM said:


> Thank you for your frankness. I would give the same advice to my friend. This man if flawed, I am realising that. I never thought he was perfect, but I never ever thought he would cross this line. I can lie and say I'm thinking about leaving, but why lie. I can't face it. I can't face another breakup. Not after the bad times I've had. I don't know what to do. I know I should leave. but I know I won't. I'm trying to rationalize his behaviour.......... and I know anybody reading this will tell me that's wrong. I guess this is a huge flaw in my character. I am always too accepting. For the moment I am staying. It's hit my confidence. I'm working on it. Do I have him one more chance. Will i be in a worse situation down the line..... possibly, but possibly not. People come back from affairs. Are those relationships still imperfect? I don't know. I threw my husband out when I found out about his affairs. I just don't know, that's the problem. 90% of this relationship i so perfect, more than I've ever found before........... aarghh I wish I had a crystal ball.


If he wanted to look at porn he could have done so at many of the thousands of sites without posting pictures of you. He used YOU and your private pictures to get interaction from other people. And he never wanted you to know about it. This is called exploitation.

When you have a liar, user, porn addicted boyfriend, I’d say 10% of your relationship is authentic, and 90% is based on a lie. A man that will exploit you for his own perverse gain cannot be a man that respects you. A man who respects and loves you would NEVER exploit you. You can’t have it both ways.

Your true struggle is not whether he’s a good guy or not, you already know the answer to that. No your struggle is that you don’t want to leave him. So don’t. Keep him. At least give yourself enough credit to be honest about the fact you would rather be **** on than alone though.


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## CatholicDad

Yeah, sorry- porn wrecks men. His sexual "integrity" is like zero which doesn't speak much to his integrity in general. Not all men watch porn- only little wussies do that.


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