# Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

You love someone more than life itself. You live all out for eachother. You'd take a bullet for them... Then you realize the bullet you just took was your spouse having sex with another person. You know it's wrong. You know it's unfaithful. You know it completely broke your trust and everything you've ever worked for, but still, you take them back. 

Picturing myself taking my wife back makes me feel weak. She spent the night in a hotel room with another guy for 3 days. According to the room reservation, it was 2 adults, 1 bed. She hasn't confessed, but I've stopped trying. She cheated, if not physically, emotionally for sure. I would have to be a complete idiot to even think about taking her back. 

The thing is, I want her back so bad, but I feel weak even thinking about it. My wife betrayed me. The trust was broken and is now gone. I can never EVER trust her again. I can't get this thought out of my head. 

Are people who take their WS back mentally weak? Is taking back a WS letting your heart get in the way of the truth that your spouse cheated on you? Is it even a "real" marriage afterwards?


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i just found out a week ago my H had an affair that lasted 2 months, but they only slept together twice. i was and still am devasted. im not sure if i will ever trust hima again fully but i am prepared to work on it. we have been together since age of 15 and he is my best friend. we have a daughter and i am not prepared to let someone else come between what we have had for the last 17 years. it is so out of character for him to do this sort of thing and it has devasted him almost as much as me. w were having some problems before and he works away a lot. but this is no excuse for what he did. and he knows that. i did feel weak at first, like a doormat, who said "yeah sure cheat on me, and i wont mind!" but i dont feel like that now. i am staying because i want to, not for my daughter, but for me, because i believe that we do have something very rare and special, we just need to work really hard on getting "us" back.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Yes, the relationship can survive and it can be gotten past. Generally for this to happen, though, you need to get your questions answered. There is a pretty clear process for successful reconciliation:

1. Full disclosure including the details the betrayed spouse wants/needs to know
2. Amends through loving actions
3. No contact with the affair partner
4. Personal transparency - access to email, passwords, etc.

If you don't have the above in place, reconciliation is pretty hard.

The stats are also that it takes 2-5+ years to get past it. So it isn't a fast or easy process.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Is she asking to come back? If she shows no remorse you must not take her back. The boundaries are clear she admits the truth , show remorse, does every she can to evidence that she is committed to you and you only. If in doubt , polygraph her.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

my H is doing all 4 of these things listed. he is truely remorseful and down right disgusted with himself,as he should be. he says it has destroyed hima s aperson as he neve thought he could do something like that. but he did. and i have to accept that


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

For me it's 9 years and a son together. Best friends, soul mates, die for each other... But there's this one thing I can't get out of my head, oh yea, another **** in her that wasn't mine. It just doesn't seem that real to me anymore. Sure, I don't want my son to live with a stepmother either, but it looks like that's where we're headed.

I can't turn a blind eye to this. I wish I could, but I honored my marriage. I held us up so high. My friends are shocked. Her own family is shocked. No one has taken her side. She cheated on her husband AND her child. I just can't take her back, there's no way.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

its the mental images of them together that are killing me! i dont know that they will ever go away. we are starting MC net week so hopeully that might help. my H has only ever been with me, i wa his first love, first everything, and now after this i cant look at him the same way, knowing that he did things with anther woman that he has only ever done with me. but i love him deeply and believe that we can come out of this stronger than we ever have been. but i do undersatnd youre anger. how long has it been since you found this out?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Is she asking to come back? If she shows no remorse you must not take her back. The boundaries are clear she admits the truth , show remorse, does every she can to evidence that she is committed to you and you only. If in doubt , polygraph her.


Eli-Zor

I'm just asking in general. I've already made up my own mind; I'm just trying to get other people's opinons on how they've dealt with whether or not to take back their WS.

"If in doubt a polygraph?" Read that again. Give my soul mate, the mother of my child, the love of my life, a polygraph to see if she cheated... I'd rather just move on and feed her to the wolves.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey 13th taking back, not taking back---nothing to do with weakness---it's all about you living life to the best of your ability---with some attempt at happiness, peace of mind, and carefree days-----If those mental images, and your sub-conscious do not allow that to happen, then if you need to move on you do so-

--If for some reason you wanna stay and try to overcome the knowledge that your wife spread her legs how many times in that hotel room---that she deceitfully planned the sexcapade---that she has lied to you by ommission---if you can handle all of that---then by all means take her back---and I wish you good luck, cuz I sure as heck couldn't do it


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

As long as the WS admits their wrong doing and is remorseful I don't think the LS is weak for taking them back. As a matter of fact, I think it takes a very strong person to do so. 

Taking back someone who can't admit their faults is like asking them to do it again, IMO.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

honeybum said:


> its the mental images of them together that are killing me! i dont know that they will ever go away. we are starting MC net week so hopeully that might help. my H has only ever been with me, i wa his first love, first everything, and now after this i cant look at him the same way, knowing that he did things with anther woman that he has only ever done with me. but i love him deeply and believe that we can come out of this stronger than we ever have been. but i do undersatnd youre anger. how long has it been since you found this out?


It's been since February 18th 2011 for me. I have no mental images though, Honeybum. All I have is a hotel reservation that I found in her email and that's enough.

I know you still love him, don't want anyone other woman to have him, you care for him, would give anything for him. Trust me, I felt the same way and still do, but it's not the images, not the emails, not the text messages... It's the "principle," that I can't get out of my head. It's just wrong. I really hope you and your H work out. I've read your story before and even commented on it. It reminded me of mine 9 years ago, she was 17, I was 21. You want to talk love? She cheated on me and I would still die for her... But I could never take her back.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey 13th taking back, not taking back---nothing to do with weakness---it's all about you living life to the best of your ability---with some attempt at happiness, peace of mind, and carefree days-----If those mental images, and your sub-conscious do not allow that to happen, then if you need to move on you do so-
> 
> --If for some reason you wanna stay and try to overcome the knowledge that your wife spread her legs how many times in that hotel room---that she deceitfully planned the sexcapade---that she has lied to you by ommission---if you can handle all of that---then by all means take her back---and I wish you good luck, cuz I sure as heck couldn't do it


Thanks for the visual! No need to wish me luck. I've made my decision and my future includes her as nothing more than my kid's mother.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Ok I didn't read every post but IMHO it takes a much stronger person to forgive and reconcile rather than divorce and remain bitter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Anything is possible... I guess. As you can see, many people here have been successful at R. It all depends on you. I, for one, am not staying around. Like you the betrayal is just too much. I stayed this long because I wanted to see IF I can forgive- I CAN"T. Check out my thread. Dude, your not alone in wanting out. Those that R'd are going to tell you to "go for it," those that D are going to tell you "get out." It all depends on you, bro. All the advice given here don't mean **** if you don't believe it yourself... 'know what I mean. 

disbelief- You're my man, but- Why does it take a stronger person to stay, than leave? If the person that leaves realizes the situation is not to his/her liking. Believe me, its gonna take a lot of guts walking out that door, when I do. We too have to be strong.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I guss its perspective and hind sight. Its only my perspective. Rt now looking back I am starting to wonder if I should have done the quickie divorce when she was ready to give me everything and all the kids. But now she is still doesn't know what she wants but is out of the fog enough to know she doesn't want to just give me everything
I see it as the person having the A, chooses the weak way out, either way the betrayed must be strong.
you are right strong to stay strong to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I took back a cheating spouse and he turned around and cheated again.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

taking a cheater back make you weak and look bad. who cheat once will do it again and again and again.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I have read stories of succesful reconciliation without repeated cheating. Then there's divorce...some divorcees report the weekend visitation and child exchange and seeing the ex again like living through all the feelings of divorce again.
so only my opinion but we each need to do what we feel is best for our situation based on our own values and do it to the extent it does not cause futher harm to oneself. For me when I feel I have done all I can I will be done. To each their own. I am extending the graces I would want if the shoe were on the other foot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

disbelief said:


> I have read stories of succesful reconciliation without repeated cheating. Then there's divorce...some divorcees report the weekend visitation and child exchange and seeing the ex again like living through all the feelings of divorce again.
> so only my opinion but we each need to do what we feel is best for our situation based on our own values and do it to the extent it does not cause futher harm to oneself. For me when I feel I have done all I can I will be done. To each their own. I am extending the graces I would want if the shoe were on the other foot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I couldn't agree more. I think we all have a threshhold as to how much we can handle and how long we are willing to fight. There are several on the site who have been fighting for a while. You do what is right. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance. With the proper plan in place, I believe amarriage can rebound but you'll never know if you don't try. Marriages are not disposable and should not be thrown away like trash. You can decide to divorce and move on or you can forgive, if given the chance, and create a new life together because things will never be the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

No, it means you are strong of spirit, and morality. 

What 99% of people lack, when taking back a spouse, is the ability to be resolute about the boundaries they set.

And THAT is weak.

Ultimatums are fine, threats are not... the difference? You follow through with ultimatums.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Heres my take, I could have moved on and met someone else. My choice in women has a little to be desired. I'm a little freaky and most likely pick another freak. So my point is and what I have learned is if the behviors don't change then you will have the same relationship as before with someone different. So why not change the behavior and have a new marriage with the same person ,but with differant behaviors. Granted it takes both spouse to have this mind set.

I can understand the idea of a deal breaker and I respect 13 for it, but he's looking for different perspectives and thats mine. 

13, your mind is made up and good for you, thats awsome. So many here are on the fence and confussed and have a hell of a time deciding. Its tough but make a dicision and stick with it. If its the wrong one then man up and take your likes. I have no one to blame but my self and I have no one to count on but my self to get out of that dicision and make the change and hopefuly the right one the next time around.

Again I have this mind set b/c my wife has the same mind set and is working very hard and suffering her consequences like a trooper. She has helped me heal and it all works for us.

I can see how a LS is not getting the support I have been getting I too most likely would leave. It is In my opinion, up to the DS to do the heavy lifting when it come to R. I can also see some folks arent as freaking as may self and would have a hard time at moving forward with a cheating spouse, or in my case an excheating spouse.

ya I know once a cheater always a cheat, well you folks don't now everything lol ;-) and 13 great thread idea.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey disbelief---I really wonder--how many of those who R, and tell you everything is at least--OK---and there are many reasons to R, and try to stick it out

I really, really wonder how many of those people don't spend many lonely moments with their sub-conscious throwing visions at them, with their sub-conscious not letting them forget---There are many noble betrayed out there who say one thing---but what is their sub-conscious really doing to them---and I know it goes on for years-----you just don't forget something like a betrayel---It is akin to the murdering of a human being---as it truly is the murdering of the mge., and all the innocence that went with it


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I don't think talking someone back after an affair makes you weak. It takes a very strong person to take someone back after a betrayal like an affair. Leaving also doesn't make you weak either IMO. It is all about what YOU can handle and what you can't.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Does taking back an unfaithful spouse make you weak? Well that would depend, wouldn't it?

I am going to reply based on Christian values because I happen to be a believing Christian and not some other belief. Even in the bible, the one acceptable reason to divorce your spouse is sexual immorality. Thus, if a spouse cheats and the faithful spouse decides to divorce, the faithful spouse has that right and should end the marriage...no dragging it out or waiting. Just file in a clear conscience knowing that the act of infidelity is what ended the marriage, not filling out blanks on some piece of paper. 

However, if a faithful spouse does decide to give it a try I would say there is a weak way to take an unfaithful spouse back...and a strong way. The weak way would be to help them continue their adultery, turn a blind eye, let them "get away with it" and experience no consequences, and/or just be a doormat and decide to give them blind trust no matter what they've done. The weak way is sometimes called on here the "Nice Guy" approach or "Being a Doormat" etc. but the result is that no one grows or changes and the chances of adultery happening again are close to 100%. 

The strong way to take back an unfaithful spouse is to look at yourself and admit ways that you contributed...and don't use your spouse's adultery as license to do things that harm the marriage. Be strong and change whatever your own issues were, and face yourself head on. Then being strong in your own self and your own value and self-worth, demonstrate heroism by allowing your spouse to experience the consequences of their choices and don't stand in the way of them learning what they NEED to learn! For example, if your spouse chose to be deceptive, the consequence is that in order to earn your trust back they are going to feel a little like they are being watched! For example, if the affair was at work they may have to quit their job in order to maintain no contact--the job is a COST of their decision to cheat. For example, they will have to demonstrate sincere repentance (which means admitting what they did and TURNING FROM IT 180 degrees). The strong way to take an unfaithful spouse back means showing them the way to rebuild a vow that they broke, and it means demonstrating heroic size mercy to someone because you love them. It also demonstrates deep character to not punish your spouse and "do to them what they did to you." 

So in general, no I think when a loyal spouse agrees to take their spouse back it doesn't show weakness. If they take them back in a strong, healthy way, it shows AMAZING character and personal qualities that speak volumes about who THEY ARE. 

In your case, OP, I mean no disrespect but I would strongly recommend separating and filing for divorce immediately (like tomorrow). Continuing to stay in your current state of mind is pretty much torture and demonstrates an uncomely trait in you to harm others. Let her go and then work on yourself to remove the vitriol because it will harm you; whereas if you work on it and rid yourself of that hatred it will cause you to grow and mature as a man. Don't put it off.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I posted this on the inspiration thread...

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Granted, just because you forgive someone for infidelity, doesn't mean you can still share a life with them. I believe that it is up to each individual to decide.

For myself, I feel I'm much stronger for staying. There have been many days when I think about what it would be like to start over. Then I wouldn't have to be reminded daily that I married a man who could hurt me in such a painful way. If I was with someone new, I could once again enjoy the illusion that I was with a man who would never betray me.

However, we have two children and over 15 years of a shared life together. Supposedly statistics show that children do better long term when their parents stay together, even in "soft" conflict marriages. 

Our children are blessedly oblivous to their father's infidelity and it's because of them he never got kicked out of the house. Kicking him out would only have satisfied my need for action and to make him hurt like I was hurting. In the end it would have only hurt our children. I was strong enough to spare them that anxiety. But living with him those first few weeks was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To smile at dinner, pretending everything was normal and sitting next to him made me want to scream. Then, once the kids were asleep, I'd sob my heart out while he answered all my questions.

Thankfully my DS seems to be doing everything he's supposed to and he's thankful every day that I'm trying. However, he's well aware that he has his children to thank for this second chance. If it wasn't for them, I don't know I would have had the strength to try. At 3 months since D-day, I actually have days where I'm thankful for giving him a second chance too.

However I do understand where 13 is coming from, when I have my bad days it's usually based on the principle of the matter. However, I'm too much of a realist to stand on a soapbox and say I'd never cheat. Because, up until my husband cheated, he used to be one of those people who truly believed he'd never cheat. 

Given the right time, the right circumstance, and the right person.... I believe everyone is capable of cheating. I think acknowledging you're capable, is the first step in preparing yourself. So someday, when the most tempting opportunity presents itself, you have already decided to make the right choice.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Another thing I've been thinking about is "why" I would consider taking my wife back after her affair. What I mean is, are all of the reasons I came up with valid? To name a few:

I love her - Valid
Our son - Valid
To give her a second chance - Valid
I don't want any other guy to have her - 'Invalid'

With that said, my reasons for reconciling with my wife after her affair, although mostly valid, they're not good enough for me to consider. To be more specific:

I love her - Yep, and I still do, as a friend. We'll always remain great friends and have stayed civil thus far. Just because our marriage was torn in half doesn't mean our friendship has to be.

Our son - Yea, he needs his mother, but she'll always be there for him in any way he needs. 

To give her a second chance - She got that by me remaining civil and not dishonoring her reputation with family and friends. She betrayed our marriage, but her second chance is our friendship and I don't see her screwing that up.

I don't want any other guy to have her - This is the MAIN reason I felt I HAD to reconcile with her at the beginning of all of this. God forbid any other person has a chance at getting what I worked so hard to keep, but in reality, someone already has and nothing can change that. 

You see, the valid reasons I came up with to work on my marriage can still be acheived, but because of my feelings towards her infidelity, I think it's better to acheive the same goals as friends. As for the invalid reason, this was getting in the way of me not making this decision a long time ago. Yes, I didn't want any other guy to have her, but it's too late for that now isn't it...


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey 13th taking back, not taking back---nothing to do with weakness---it's all about you living life to the best of your ability---with some attempt at happiness, peace of mind, and carefree days-----If those mental images, and your sub-conscious do not allow that to happen, then if you need to move on you do so-
> 
> --If for some reason you wanna stay and try to overcome the knowledge that your wife spread her legs how many times in that hotel room---that she deceitfully planned the sexcapade---that she has lied to you by ommission---if you can handle all of that---then by all means take her back---and I wish you good luck, cuz I sure as heck couldn't do it


What are you on this site for? All I see in your posts are anger and bad advice. Don't you think this man is hurting enough without your semi pornographic depictions of something you have no actual knowledge of?. This is torture to a person in this situation, cut it out! If you can't help others, at least don't hurt them. Try anger management classes.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

All the men in my family of origin, were proud cheaters. I was disgusted with the way the wives not only accepted the cheating, but still waited on their WS hand and foot! All of the older wives loved their hubbies more than they loved themselves.
Taking back a WS is a sign of low self worth. Children grow up seeing a dysfunctional dynamic and respect is often lost for the LS. Marriages are seriously compromised with cheating because trust is impossible after that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Taking back a WS is a sign of low self worth. Children grow up seeing a dysfunctional dynamic and respect is often lost for the LS. Marriages are seriously compromised with cheating because trust is impossible after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think this is true at all. I would have to agree with Affaircare, in that it is not the simple act of accepting the back that makes you weak, it is how you do it. If you allow them to come back under ANY circumstances, that is weak. If you allow them to come without having shown remorse and repentance, that makes you weak. If you allow them to come back without setting some boundaries, that makes you weak. 

Trust would not be impossible. As countless people have said over the years, "You have to earn my trust". That is what would be necessary in such cases. To earn that trust, total transparency is a must. Without transparency, trust would be impossible.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

disbelief said:


> Ok I didn't read every post but IMHO it takes a much stronger person to forgive and reconcile rather than divorce and remain bitter
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or get rid of them and NOT remain bitter.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Or get rid of them and NOT remain bitter.


Agreed

Like it has been said each situation is different. I think children add another dimension than if just husband and wife. AND THEN if you start reading and learning about other cultures and how they deal with punitively or acceptingly on infidelity, it can really make your head spin.

I am sticking with what I would want done for me if I was the DS, not that she would act the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Or get rid of them and NOT remain bitter.


Exactly, and bitter I am not. Disappointed, yes, but bitter, no. I can't be bitter if she has feelings for another man. I can't force her to love me again and won't try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Exactly, and bitter I am not. Disappointed, yes, but bitter, no. I can't be bitter if she has feelings for another man. I can't force her to love me again and won't try.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's like 'pulling the plug' on a family member. It's a relief.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I would say it's more like pulling the plug on a family member who's on life support (fog)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mrs.G said:


> Taking back a WS is a sign of low self worth. Children grow up seeing a dysfunctional dynamic and respect is often lost for the LS. Marriages are seriously compromised with cheating because trust is impossible after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That, to me obviously, is completely ridiculous. Anyone can proclaim that anything on earth is a sign of low self worth. I can sit here and say your specific statement is a sign of low self worth. Its all about perception. You perceive it that way, yet I don't think you have actually experienced it in YOUR marriage. 100% of people think that same thing UNTIL THEY LIVE IT. Guarenteed.

To rebuild a life with someone after a huge fallout like that takes mounds of strength and patience. A sign of low self worth? No. A sign that I refuse to write my husband off because he made a horrible mistake. Because I do love him with all that I am, and as long as it remains a one time mistake, then he deserves the chance to return that love for the rest of our lives.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

DawnD said:


> That, to me obviously, is completely ridiculous. Anyone can proclaim that anything on earth is a sign of low self worth. I can sit here and say your specific statement is a sign of low self worth. Its all about perception. You perceive it that way, yet I don't think you have actually experienced it in YOUR marriage. 100% of people think that same thing UNTIL THEY LIVE IT. Guarenteed.
> 
> To rebuild a life with someone after a huge fallout like that takes mounds of strength and patience. A sign of low self worth? No. A sign that I refuse to write my husband off because he made a horrible mistake. Because I do love him with all that I am, and as long as it remains a one time mistake, then he deserves the chance to return that love for the rest of our lives.


:iagree:

For me I accepted that life and people are complicated - and our actions don't solely define us. People behave in difficult ways all the time and it's often not a reflection of who they are so much as where they are in their head at that time.

In this infidelity example: How many wayward spouse, snap out of the fog one day and look at themselves and think "what the hell did I do. I must be insane." Remorse and horrific guilt are a typical reaction after the headiness and biology wears off. If what they did was who they are, they wouldn't feel guilt.

So, the once a cheater always a cheater mantra is bs. That taking them back makes you weak is bs. Though it is hard to work though the associated emotions.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

The 13th_Floor said:


> You love someone more than life itself. You live all out for eachother. You'd take a bullet for them... Then you realize the bullet you just took was your spouse having sex with another person. You know it's wrong. You know it's unfaithful. You know it completely broke your trust and everything you've ever worked for, but still, you take them back.
> 
> Picturing myself taking my wife back makes me feel weak. She spent the night in a hotel room with another guy for 3 days. According to the room reservation, it was 2 adults, 1 bed. She hasn't confessed, but I've stopped trying. She cheated, if not physically, emotionally for sure. I would have to be a complete idiot to even think about taking her back.
> 
> ...


Hotel three days she cheated both.. I am sorry to say that and I know you dont want to hear that. I know I wouldnt. but what were they doing in a hotel for three days?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

sunflower said:


> But what were they doing in a hotel for three days?


Do you need me to draw you a picture?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

If you decide to draw us a picture, make sure you make the OM look like Corky from Life Goes On because that's exactly who he looks like, just dumber. Red hair and all...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

HA please draw me a picture smart A$$ cause I don't understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

sunflower said:


> HA please draw me a picture smart A$$ cause I don't understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It was you who assumed I didn't understand what went on in that hotel room for 3 days when I obviously do... They played cards, shared secrets and had a ginormous pillow fight all while fully clothed!


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

13th,

I discovered that my exW was having a PA. I confronted her. She "wanted to work things out." I tried for about six months.

The truth was that every time she opened her mouth she was lying. After much computer sleuth I discovered that she just worked harder at hiding things. I also discovered 3 concurrent PA's, not just one.

On the other hand...

My GF discovered her exH was having a PA. She called an attorney who HAMMERED him in a very painful (for him) divorce. For her, a PA was an absolute dealbreaker.

In retrospect, I kind of wish I'd handled things the way she did. But the effort proved to me that there was no saving the marriage. If I'd taken the other road, I likely would have always wondered if there was anything I could have done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OOE made me think, its not us the LS that makes us weak for taking DS back. It the DS that is weak...weak enought to continue the affair especilly when the LS is watching. 

How weak are they when they can't knock it off even when their being snooped on.

It still amazes me how DS's can be so fogged in.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

DawnD said:


> That, to me obviously, is completely ridiculous. Anyone can proclaim that anything on earth is a sign of low self worth. I can sit here and say your specific statement is a sign of low self worth. Its all about perception. You perceive it that way, yet I don't think you have actually experienced it in YOUR marriage. 100% of people think that same thing UNTIL THEY LIVE IT. Guarenteed.
> 
> While I have not experienced cheating directly, I DID grow up seeing constant infidelity. My views are shaped from watching doormat women forgive cheating and live unhappily ever after, as well as WS who lost respect for these wives when they were forgiven. I can learn from other people's mistakes.
> I'll leave you to think about how my statement points to low self worth. :rofl:
> ...


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I did it, and I had the visual because I caught them. 

Forgiving her wasn't weak, it was the strongest thing I've ever had to do. But living with that over time has made me weaker.

I chose to forgive someone who just wasn't worth it, my bad. And 12 yrs later her dark side is showing again, once a cheater always a cheater. I'd say if it was a mistake by someone with proven morals then forgivness should be an option, just be sure.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> disbelief- You're my man, but- Why does it take a stronger person to stay, than leave? If the person that leaves realizes the situation is not to his/her liking. Believe me, *its gonna take a lot of guts walking out that door, when I do. We too have to be strong.*


:iagree:

My decision to divorce was the second most painful experience in my life but I knew - in my case anyway - that loving the woman I married more than life itself, was not enough to continue with the marriage.

Courage is not as the absence of fear but the conquering of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think until you've been cheated on in a marriage, you have NO idea how you'd react. Then and only then can you give an honest opinion about how you'd handle it... 

So for those who haven't had the experience, they are fortunate but also can't relate to others who have had the nasty 
experience of having a spouse cheat on them. 

Are people weak who take back a cheating spouse? I don't think so. I think some marriages can make it through cheating. I think others can't.

I will never know what would have happened had we stayed married but I do know for us, the relationship was never the same after the admission/confession of cheating. The dynamic changed forever. Oh I still loved him and still do love him but I would be remiss if I said things were ever like they were pre-cheating.

We simply weren't meant to be.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Until you have walked in those shoes I think it would be unfair to say someone is weak.

Sometimes it takes a stronger person to forgive and move on.


Sometimes it takes a stronger person to let go and walk away.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Wrench said:


> I did it, and I had the visual because I caught them.
> 
> Forgiving her wasn't weak, it was the strongest thing I've ever had to do. But living with that over time has made me weaker.
> 
> I chose to forgive someone who just wasn't worth it, my bad. And 12 yrs later her dark side is showing again, once a cheater always a cheater. I'd say if it was a mistake by someone with proven morals then forgivness should be an option, just be sure.


The problem I see with people with regards to forgiveness is that they treat it as though it was the Siamese twin of reconciliation. It is not.

Forgiveness does not absolve the offender from the consequences of his/her actions, quite the contrary.

You can have reconciliation without forgiveness as well as forgiveness without reconciliation. For me it is much better to have the latter because it frees me to move on with my life, while the former doesn't.

If you can't forgive your spouse but choose to reconcile with him/her anyway, you are sabotaging the marriage and it will eventually end.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> The problem I see with people with regards to forgiveness is that they treat it as though it was the Siamese twin of reconciliation. It is not.
> 
> Forgiveness does not absolve the offender from the consequences of his/her actions, quite the contrary.
> 
> ...


I never really saw it that way, so I guess we reconciled more than I forgave her. I never have loved her the same as before the PA, I know that now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ How is it different in the way you love her...can you elaborate?


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ How is it different in the way you love her...can you elaborate?


When I was young and we were in love, we dated, married, it was the best time of my life. We had a good thing, I thought. After her affair with her old bf she pleaded with me to forgive her and I did, we bought a house, had our kids and did a lot over those years.

I think I knew inside that I didn't feel the same love for her but wouldn't admit it so I just focused on her good body and our similarities as friends. The longer time went on the less I even remembered what it felt like before the affair so I just got used to it. And we have both grown into a very different people, our goals and lifestyles are miles apart.

When she dropped the bomb on me in early March I was devastated, my time here has taught me that I was living in a fog of my own and even she is shocked at how quickly I'm ready to move on. The thought of not having my kids with me everyday is what makes me choke up, I no longer see her through rose-coloured glasses.

We never should have reconciled but I take marriage very seriously, too seriously probably.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So are you guys divorcing?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I think until you've been cheated on in a marriage, you have NO idea how you'd react. Then and only then can you give an honest opinion about how you'd handle it... You can plan your reactions for future reference. My husband and I agree that we would divorce if cheating became an issue. After watching infidelity for many years, I can say with conviction that I will NOT tolerate such blatant disrespect. Just don't have it in me to turn the other cheek.
> 
> So for those who haven't had the experience, they are fortunate but also can't relate to others who have had the nasty
> experience of having a spouse cheat on them.
> ...


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

It's a strong possibilty, we've both talking about the details of how it will feel, what we have to do with our business/property/debt.

Her contract is up in the fall and we'll move back across the country, you have to live there a year before you can divorce so we'll get seperate places and see how it goes. I wish we could live seperatly out here but it's not going to happen.

She's not saying she wants to save it and I'm starting to wonder if it's smart to try, but we haven't done any councilling either so we'll see what happens.

Holy hijack!


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

It doesn't make sense to forgive cheating if you are expecting the marriage to be the way it was before it happened. Both partners should be working to make the marriage BETTER than it was before. If nothing changes, it is likely to happen again. To answer the question as to whether it makes you weak to give a cheating spouse another chance, I think it depends on the individuals involved and whether or not they are both willing to make changes in the marriage and themselves. 

I wouldn't want my marriage to be the way it was before or during my husband's infidelity. It was miserable for both of us- we just dealt with it in different ways. We are much closer and happier together now because we are both better spouses today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Watching others go through it isn't the same as going through it yourself, guarenteed. That is like you saying you understand how hard military deployments are on families because you have seen one. Nope, doesn't even begin to scratch the surface, sorry!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

wow, my laptop is killing me LOL. Mrs. G, I tried to quote you but it isn't letting me do it. I saw your other post about some one knowing lots about kids and not having her own but still being capable. Sure she can teach them and knows about them, but it isn't the same as being a parent. its just not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I agree. Witnessing infidelity vs. actually having it done to are no the same at all.

I have no doubt though that witnessing something has an effect on you. But actually living it...is a raw experience unlike any other.


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## liteheaded (May 5, 2011)

It all depends on circumstances. A huge part of me feels weak for taking my wife back because cheatings something I'd never do. On the other hand if the person truly knows it was wrong and are sorting out there OWN problems or demons, then no. You're not weak. If you choose to give your marriage another shot and it's not out of fear, then I don't think that's being weak. I know I've laid a black and white story out for my wife. It either leads to our life together or shell never see me again. She knows it too. 

If changes are made and the person changes, are they the same person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ I agree. Witnessing infidelity vs. actually having it done to are no the same at all.
> 
> I have no doubt though that witnessing something has an effect on you. But actually living it...is a raw experience unlike any other.


:lol: Few things are worse than hearing your father on the phone, talking sex with another woman, especially at the tender age of 13. You think that wasn't raw for me? Trust me, that wasn't a picnic and it taught me a lot about men, infidelity and marriage.

I have no doubt that having a child and knowing about children are vastly different. It's just that experience cannot be ignored, if you are open minded and realize that wisdom can come from anywhere.

My opinion still stands. I will NEVER be a doormat wife who accepts cheating and wants to live in a fantasy world, pretending that everything is okay.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Watching others go through it isn't the same as going through it yourself, guarenteed. That is like you saying you understand how hard military deployments are on families because you have seen one. Nope, doesn't even begin to scratch the surface, sorry!


No need to be sorry. It is different when those "others" are family members, especially when it is your mother. 
Empathy is a wonderful quality that I have been blessed with. It is a no brainer how hard military deployments are, because the reasons are so obvious.

As I said before, my opinion still stands.  People can post that I know nothing until the end of the world; as long as I know my experience and what I would do, that is all that matters. If other wives want to forgive cheating, that is their choice. I'm just saying that I learned from my past and could not.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> It doesn't make sense to forgive cheating if you are expecting the marriage to be the way it was before it happened. Both partners should be working to make the marriage BETTER than it was before. If nothing changes, it is likely to happen again. To answer the question as to whether it makes you weak to give a cheating spouse another chance, I think it depends on the individuals involved and whether or not they are both willing to make changes in the marriage and themselves.
> 
> I wouldn't want my marriage to be the way it was before or during my husband's infidelity. It was miserable for both of us- we just dealt with it in different ways. We are much closer and happier together now because we are both better spouses today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was referring to the trust never being the same.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> :lol: Few things are worse than hearing your father on the phone, talking sex with another woman, especially at the tender age of 13. You think that wasn't raw for me? Trust me, that wasn't a picnic and it taught me a lot about men, infidelity and marriage.


I don't doubt that wasn't raw for you. In fact, it sounds awful. I cannot imagine going through that. No doubt that shaped the way you think about relationships and men and marriage. 

I respect your opinion but still maintain that a person who hasn't had the experience themself of their own spouse, the person who vowed to love them and married them, betray them--they have not had the same experience as someone who has had it done to them personally. Because simply, it has not been done to them. Fortunately! 

But I do agree w/ you that it's unhealthy to pretend everything is A-ok in a marriage when someone steps out because let's be honset: it is never the same after that.

Some folks will work through it, others can't. I was in the latter camp. While a divorce wasn't anything I ever imagined for myself, I am not sure we could have ever overcome it. It still hurts for me post-divorce.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> My opinion still stands. I will NEVER be a doormat wife who accepts cheating and wants to live in a fantasy world, pretending that everything is okay.


Your pain of discovering your father's infidelity is very valid and equally painful as ours.

In my case, I KNOW because I have already gone through it and did not reconcile with my unfaithful ex-wife.

If you can withstand one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences of your life - the first being your spouse's betrayal - the decision to divorce the one person in the world that meant the most to you, then your assertions will be proven valid. But until you've crossed that bridge you will never really KNOW.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> :lol: Few things are worse than hearing your father on the phone, talking sex with another woman, especially at the tender age of 13. You think that wasn't raw for me? Trust me, that wasn't a picnic and it taught me a lot about men, infidelity and marriage.
> 
> I have no doubt that having a child and knowing about children are vastly different. It's just that experience cannot be ignored, if you are open minded and realize that wisdom can come from anywhere.
> 
> My opinion still stands. I will NEVER be a doormat wife who accepts cheating and wants to live in a fantasy world, pretending that everything is okay.


My children who are ages 15, 13 and 6 (plus my husband's 16 yr old daughter from a previous relationship) all know that he is being unfaithful to me. I do not know how they will look at him in the future. Will they be forgiving or will they forever hold a grudge against him? What if when my children are married and they have an unfaithful spouse? Children should have their fathers to lean on, even when they are adults. If that situation were to happen, they would not be able to go to him for support. And I think that is very sad.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't doubt that wasn't raw for you. In fact, it sounds awful. I cannot imagine going through that. No doubt that shaped the way you think about relationships and men and marriage.
> 
> I respect your opinion but still maintain that a person who hasn't had the experience themself of their own spouse, the person who vowed to love them and married them, betray them--they have not had the same experience as someone who has had it done to them personally. Because simply, it has not been done to them. Fortunately!
> 
> ...


Respect for my opinion was all I was looking for, so thank you. I'm glad that we can disagree politely. :smthumbup:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

morituri said:


> Your pain of discovering your father's infidelity is very valid and equally painful as ours.
> 
> In my case, I KNOW because I have already gone through it and did not reconcile with my unfaithful ex-wife.
> 
> If you can withstand one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences of your life - the first being your spouse's betrayal - the decision to divorce the one person in the world that meant the most to you, then your assertions will be proven valid. But until you've crossed that bridge you will never really KNOW.


Yup! So I'm not just some dumb kid spouting inexperienced nonsense. 
My assertions are already valid, thank you. :rofl: Don't have anything to prove.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mrs. G, 

I wouldn't ever say you don't know anything. All I do claim is that experiencing something in your marriage and seeing it happen elsewhere are two very different games. Of course I can respect that you know what you would do in that situation. But I can not respect grouping all cheaters and all LS who take them back as having low self esteem. Generalizations like that seem insane to me since circumstances leading to these things can be vastly different. I am sure you have generalizations that you can't agree with as well, everyone does!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> My children who are ages 15, 13 and 6 (plus my husband's 16 yr old daughter from a previous relationship) all know that he is being unfaithful to me. I do not know how they will look at him in the future. Will they be forgiving or will they forever hold a grudge against him?


I'm no psychic but I am pretty sure your kids aren't going to like the fact he abandoned you and his family repeatedly to be with different women throughout the course of your marriage.

Mrs. G--how did what you saw shape how you think about your father?



Mrs.G said:


> Respect for my opinion was all I was looking for, so thank you. I'm glad that we can disagree politely. :smthumbup:


We all just want respect! LOL :iagree:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> My children who are ages 15, 13 and 6 (plus my husband's 16 yr old daughter from a previous relationship) all know that he is being unfaithful to me. I do not know how they will look at him in the future. Will they be forgiving or will they forever hold a grudge against him? What if when my children are married and they have an unfaithful spouse? Children should have their fathers to lean on, even when they are adults. If that situation were to happen, they would not be able to go to him for support. And I think that is very sad.


I am a grudge holder by nature. I also have no patience for the way my father likes to shove morals down my throat at times.
He has implied that I am loose because I dated a lot when I was single. He also became angry and self righteous when I moved in with my then boyfriend.

Hypocrisy greatly reduces parental credibility. I am a mouthy sort and when I reminded my dad of his cheating, he shut the eff up. A simple "Yeah, you know all about being loose, don't you Dad?" ended the insults about my character. :smthumbup:
He and my mother shacked up, so my dad, albeit my favorite parent, is a damn fool about some things. :rofl:

I have this awful belief that all men cheat, because that is all I saw growing up. Intellectually, I know that *all *men cannot possibly be unfaithful. My heart lags behind my brain, because my heart has trauma tattoed on it. I will be in therapy for quite some time; unfortunately, infidelity is only one of many perverse things I have been exposed to or endured. I am 29, but I feel 50.

My husband has gently approached me about my lack of trust. "I know you must be afraid, but we will not have a good marriage if you don't trust me. I haven't done anything." In his family, infidelity is a rare occurence and when it does happen, the cheater is frowned upon. Where I came from, the men get high fives for sleeping around. 

I trust my husband 90%. I can never trust any man completely, not with all the abuse I have survived. He worked late twice this week...I know "working late" is a common alibi. Paranoia is not helpful or fair to Mr.G, so I abandoned the thought. Still hypervigilant though.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Yup! So I'm not just some dumb kid spouting inexperienced nonsense.
> My assertions are already valid, thank you. :rofl: Don't have anything to prove.


Never said you were dumb. And as far as proving anything to anybody, the only person you have to prove anything to is YOU after you experience spousal betrayal.

In the meantime, please respect our healthy skepticism.


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