# It's just sex.....or is it?



## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I want to post a thought again....from a comment i made in the discussion (so she had wild sex with him but married you) thread.

It seems to me that there is something hard wired within us that wants an exclusive sexual relationship with our loved one. And I DON'T mean just after we are married. I think we begin with a desire for our spouse to have experienced and shared no one else. (sure a lot of folks argue that they prefer an experienced partner but i am not so sure) Over time and through sexual trysts with others....this desire may lessen....may even simply fall away. But i think most of us begin with it.

How often do we read about folks strugging with their spouses sexual past? As often as subjects like this come up I think it reveals how we have been sold a lie and try to believe it ourselves. The pain of a spouse or loved one having had sex with others is obviously very real and many, many people have a very hard time dealing with a loved ones past. Nonetheless we try to buy the line that it is in the past....they married you and not them.....etc. etc.. It seems to me that sex is a very special act and we live in a culture that treats it as a cheap hobby. Everytime we have sex with people other than our spouse we are giving something away that we can never reclaim and I think it steals something from the intimacy we would have one day had with a marriage partner. 
It is contradictory for people to be insanely jealous of their spouse having sex with someone after marriage....but not having it bother them before they are married. I think that is a mental coping mechanism....we tell ourselves it does not matter....but the fact is it eats us alive to picture them in the arms and bed of someone else.

It seems to me that we are born with a desire for an exclusive sexual relationshp with our loved one. But we live in a culture that tells us it does not matter. Oh it does. We read it day after day on these boards. 

No questions.....just my thoughts


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I should say that much of what i said up there is over generalizing and that there are certainly many for whom my statements simply do not fit. There is obvilusly no "one" way of thinking or viewing life that fits us all. I am saying that I think for most of us this is true..... Our spouse being pleasured by another....whether before or after marriage...is something we do not want to think of.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Honestly it has never been an issue for me and the older I get (mid 40's) the less it matters.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I agree. I had a hard time with my wife's (very limited) past. Would feel a little jealous about it. Especially if we were having a bit of a sexual dry spell.

I am less likely now to ever even think about it, but had some jealousy early in our relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know what you're talking about, and I know I think that way. But for me, I believe it's a product of my uber religious upbringing. It was pounded into my head that you do NOT have sex before you get married, that you do NOT masturbate, that you do NOT EVER have unclean thoughts, etc etc etc. So when I got out into the real world and discovered other people didn't think that way, and that these things are in fact normal, my mind isn't able to think that way.

Thinking today about the fact my husband had previous sexual partners doesn't bother me. But it did when we first got together. I still have hang ups today because of the way I was brought up, and I'll be 48 next month!!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

people destroy themselves and we struggle to find our purpose when you come to face reality you realize we are bacteria and life is meaningless. Enjoy and do what makes you happy but in doing that do not destroy yourself with always chasing something which can never be obtained. 

Sex is an issue because of the way we are raised and rightfully so.



My advice

Don't marry someone you are not compatible with! do not marry someone who has totally different views on life/sex/"morals" etc. 

If you cannot deal with their sexual past and if you two do not know everything about each other and cannot accept it than move on


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Meh... I think it’s because you have it sort of wrong.


youkiddingme said:


> It seems to me that there is something hard wired within us that wants an exclusive sexual relationship with our loved one.


Slightly changed wording...
I want my wife to have an exclusive sexual relationship with me. See the slight change? I want to be so freaking great that I’d be the only one she’d ever want to do this with. I’m selfish that way and want my ego stoked like that. I believe most are like this. Who doesn’t want to believe their spouse looks at them like that?

In my head, others want me too and it makes me feel good that I’m above my emotional impulses and willing to make that sacrifice for her. It’s the standard fare fantasy we build up in our head. Depending on how you view yourself, can your ego really take the blow that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t the greatest lover out there and your spouse might actually prefer others over you? That leads to questions about what other redeeming qualities you have that she’d be able to overlook your short-comings physically or mentally with being super-awesome attractive? Will you displace it and feel like if others don’t flirt or tell you how awesome you are, that maybe you aren’t as awesome as you hope to be?

It all stems back to insecurites with yourself...


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

INteresting thoughts. I just don't know. I see folks trying to recover from an affair often. And I will tell you it tears their insides out to think of all of the ways their spouse enjoyed and was enjoyed sexually by another. And this cannot just be because trust was broken....they cannot bear the thoughts of their loved on in the arms of another. I am saying I think this illustrates our innate desire for exclusivity.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> I think this illustrates our innate desire for exclusivity.


But where does this desire stem from? I think it has a lot more to do with nurture than nature. I don't really believe that humans are innately monogamous. I think monogamy is an ideal we've set for ourselves, and those of us who ARE monogamous are supposedly morally superior, because we're able to overcome our nature. So it's something to strive for, like overcoming your natural desire to eat steak five nights a week because you know it isn't what you SHOULD do.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

HOpe.....I see wehre you are coming from. But I just don't know. I have observed so many spouses whose hearts were just torn apart because of an affair. Thinking of the sex.....it just killed them. I don't think that is because of nurture. Maybe.....but in our culture cheating and divorce are rampant....most folks are not raised in church. But even these struggle with it. I think anyway.....


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I think the genders have different hard-wiring as a result of evolution. On the basest level, it's all about propagating our genetic history, which leads to different strategies for men and women. We've invented many social constructs and organizations (marriage, religion as two examples) that try to tamp down the hard-wiring for various reasons; some admirable, some not so admirable. These constructs are relatively new in the history of humanity. The conflicts between nature and nurture leads to the issues discussed in this forum.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

My new rule is, only get married the best lover you have had. And only marry someone for whom you are their best lover.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Racer said:


> Meh... I think it’s because you have it sort of wrong.
> 
> Slightly changed wording...
> I want my wife to have an exclusive sexual relationship with me. See the slight change? I want to be so freaking great that I’d be the only one she’d ever want to do this with. I’m selfish that way and want my ego stoked like that. I believe most are like this. Who doesn’t want to believe their spouse looks at them like that?
> ...


I think this is the key - it's definitely about feeling secure and your background/culture. I know my husband 'got around' in his 20's and it doesn't bother me in the least. I think if he weren't happy with my skills/qualities as a lover, he wouldn't have married me or stuck with me during our recent issues. Same with how I feel about him.

We were talking about this last night (in bed strangely enough) and he started putting together a timeline of my previous lovers. It was weirder for me than it was for him since I'd never really done a count like that with time frame. It sure didn't slow him down after we finished talking though - LOL!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

east2west said:


> My new rule is, only get married the best lover you have had. And only marry someone for whom you are their best lover.


Interesting comment. Might be a "lightning bolt" moment for me, thanks


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