# FWS checking up on BS



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

So the R is going well.

We both changed for the better and the M feels better, but I keep catching her checking up on me. It would make sense if I was the cheater.

I don't mind her going through my stuff, because I don't have any secrets from her, but what bugs me is she accused me of cheating a few months before she started. Makes me wonder if I should get D papers drawn up because that's the only way a second Dday will end. 

On the other hand I made a ton of physical changes, and am now in the best shape of my life. Saying something considering I used to be fairly athletic. I know to some degree she feels insecure about this. On the other hand it's not something I'm willing to give up, and I'm happy with her as she is.

The one year since Dday is the 29th, so I'm also a little... I don't know what to call it, but I'm that...


----------



## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

She cheated, you didn't yet she's always checking up on YOU?

I'd put a stop to that immediately.

She can either trust you or spend the rest of your time together wondering if you'd do to her what she did to you.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I know this will sound like the record scratch when the good guys walk into the scary biker bar...but....

It's okay, man. It's transparency. If for whatever reason it makes her feel better to check on you then fine. You seem to have stuff working out well. You haven't found anything and she hasn't exhibited any improper behavior, right?

The feeling you're talking about is snarvel. It's where we, the betrayed, go when we get wound up and wondering or fearful of remembering just how sh-tty things were. It's normal. Don't be afraid of it. You've been through a ton worse.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Her initial accusations were projection on her part. Pretty standard stuff, unless they really feel like there is no way on earth you could get laid. So, you obviously were not that devalued. Now that you have a rockin' body, she's sweating it big time. Continue with surveillance from time to time, continue with the training, keep dressing good and attracting the attention of the young cuties, too. If she says anything about you pulling girls, agree and amplify. Keep gaming her, but keep watching. From time to time. Kind of like running random QC checks. Don't wait for a problem to suddenly appear.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She may be afraid you are going to have a ra.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its my experience that liars think everyone lies. Thieves think everyone else steals. I believe most cheaters think everyone else cheats or would like to. If they can't be trusted, they think other people can't be trusted either.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think if you want to reconcile, this comes with the territory. Your wife has baggage and so do you (I mean you both have insecurities - whoever is to blame). It doesn't harm you if she checks up on you and there is nothing intrinsically "wrong" with it. You are where you are as it were.

Don't object to it, but don't go out of your way to present evidence to prove anything either. Just accept it as part of your relationship now. She will be happier and feel more secure and this should feed into making you happier too.

I hope you make it.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would not get worked up on her looking at your stuff, I think it is just projection. Keep working on yourself. Sounds like she is threatened by the fitter you. I would check on her from time to time. And yes the reality of what she has done still lingers after a year. Suc*s.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Ovid said:


> So the R is going well.
> 
> We both changed for the better and the M feels better, but I keep catching her checking up on me. It would make sense if I was the cheater.
> 
> ...


Just a thought, but perhaps she's checking up on you to see if you are still snooping on her or how you do it.

I'm sure I'm in the minority, but I don't let my WW have password access to my laptop computer - not since Dday. She has a laptop and we both can use another desktop for paying bills, etc.

For one thing, part of her betrayal to me was letting the POSOM go through my PC when she was cheating. All our finances, all my personal stuff; I'll never forget that. Never.

And if I do decide to step up surveillance on her again, (hope I won't have to) she won't know what I'm doing. A consequence to her that she'll just have to accept.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yep she's afraid you are upping your sex rank with the weights. You even said SIL was noticing right? In my opinion she should have that state of mind because she knows there won't be a second Dday.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Chris989 said:


> I think if you want to reconcile, this comes with the territory. Your wife has baggage and so do you (I mean you both have insecurities - whoever is to blame). It doesn't harm you if she checks up on you and there is nothing intrinsically "wrong" with it. You are where you are as it were.
> 
> Don't object to it, but don't go out of your way to present evidence to prove anything either. Just accept it as part of your relationship now. She will be happier and feel more secure and this should feed into making you happier too.
> 
> I hope you make it.


:iagree:


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hmmm...how long has it been since you checked her stuff? Any red flags there?

And if you started checking her stuff, would she totally flip out?


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Hmmm...how long has it been since you checked her stuff? Any red flags there?
> 
> And if you started checking her stuff, would she totally flip out?


It's been a few months. I'm thinking of going through just for my own piece of mind.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Ovid said:


> It's been a few months. I'm thinking of going through just for my own piece of mind.


Yes, please do.

I just feel that a WS checking up on the BS FOR NO REASON is a huge red flag in the WS behavior. 

Maybe nothing is going on, but doesn't mean her thoughts aren't going in the wrong direction. Being suspicious and untrusting like that and checking your things just doesn't sit right with me.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How obvious is she when she checks up on you? Do you notice that she's looking at your e-mail account? Or worse, is she is asking you leading questions as if you have something to hide? or somewhere in between?

While I agree that both sides need to be transparent, tit for tat behavior is very unhealthy.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I would say transparency is healthy, and that if she needs to check for her own peace of mind, fair enough. She may be very insecure of a revenge affair.

However, I can see how this is just totally triggering you. Have you had a talk with her about it, how it triggers you and how it makes you feel? 

I would suggest a thorough check on her to make sure history is not repeating, and then sit her down and have a good heart to heart.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP it may be nothing but could also be an indicator like last time when she accused you of cheating. I would be vigilant and would definitely invest some time checking her records etc. 

I hope it is nothing serious and wish you both the very best
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ovid said:


> It's been a few months. I'm thinking of going through just for my own piece of mind.


My big guy goes through spells of this years later. I have never cheated on him once, never even given him reason to think I would but he gets scared sometimes. He cheated on me many years ago and has never forgiven himself. He says..."I deserve it, after everything I did I wouldn't blame you if you did have an affair. Just if you do.... come back home to me don't leave me." I think it is harder for some WS once they realise what they have done... and how easy it was ...they get scared that it could happen to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> How obvious is she when she checks up on you? Do you notice that she's looking at your e-mail account? Or worse, is she is asking you leading questions as if you have something to hide? or somewhere in between?
> 
> While I agree that both sides need to be transparent, tit for tat behavior is very unhealthy.


She pokes around while I'm asleep, then asks leading questions. The last question was "Do you have a secret MySpace account?"


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

mineforever said:


> My big guy goes through spells of this years later. I have never cheated on him once, never even given him reason to think I would but he gets scared sometimes. He cheated on me many years ago and has never forgiven himself. He says..."I deserve it, after everything I did I wouldn't blame you if you did have an affair. Just if you do.... come back home to me don't leave me." I think it is harder for some WS once they realise what they have done... and how easy it was ...they get scared that it could happen to them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's probably this, but with the history we have any time she starts checking up on me it does trigger me. I don't mind her checking otherwise.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ovid, it's totally normal. 

She is projecting what she did onto you. She knows she was capable of it and knows you could be to.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I think you should shut that crap down. 

Its not good that she feels insecure, but I don't see how she has a right to interrogate you when shes the one who creeped. 

I just find it hypocritical I suppose, and her constant checking up is only going to make her more paranoid. 

End this crap.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ovid said:


> It's probably this, but with the history we have any time she starts checking up on me it does trigger me. I don't mind her checking otherwise.


Some triggers just don't go away. :-/ 10 yrs..out and I still trigger when he does this. It really gets me down...but it usually only lasts for a day or so and he snaps out of it thankfully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

