# Think my wife is at it again with a new hand (long)



## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

I wish I could have found this forum sooner as it would have helped me through a lot of things. I really can't explain my problem without giving the backstory so here goes.

My wife and I own a Ranch in Texas. We have various horses and other animals. Our primary income is renting our horses at the Riverwalk. We also rent our horses for special occasions such as weddings and funerals. It is a very profitable business and we have been doing well.

Last summer, we were busy with a lot of events and going back and forth to San Antonio with our horses. Sometimes we are both gone and sometimes, it's only one of us. Because of our schedule in the summer months, we usually hire a couple seasonal ranch hands to care for the animals and property while we are away so we can focus on work. My wife does all the hiring and firing since I have never been good with those HR things.

There was an event that I had which should had lasted a weekend. It was a wedding where they needed 2 horses in the afternoon and later that night. My wife said that she was worn out and wanted to stay back home and rest. I usually wait on her hand and foot in these moments because I hate to see her sick. We agreed that I should go alone and that we shouldn't cancel because it would be an automatic lawsuit. Once I got to the location, I found out that bride had gotten cold feet and the wedding was postponed until further notice. I turned around and drove back home which was another 3 hour drive.

When I got home, I noticed my wife's car still there along with our ranch hand's car. I also noticed a 4 wheeler parked there too. I knew I had seen the 4 wheeler before but I couldn't recall where. I got to the house and I'm sure by now, you know what happened.

My wife was in my bed with the hand sexing her from behind while his friend was sitting naked in the chair watching. I don't know if they were taking turns or what but I instantly raged. I punched the guy on my wife and I also punched my wife (I'm not a woman beater but I couldn't control myself in the moment). It was chaos with blood and the sheriffs got involved. It was a total mess but nobody pressed charges since they knew it was wrong. The friend sitting in the chair grabbed his things and ran before I could get my hands on him.

I was so hurt but I knew I needed a divorce. They say time heals all wounds and after separating for 2 months, we got back together. I guess I felt sorry for her but one of stipulations was she had to fully tell me what happened. Initially, she tried to say that he forced himself on her but I called bull**** since what I saw and heard was consensual. She later told me that at the time, she was weak emotionally and thought he was a handsome kid. She said that they flirted casually and he told his friends that she was hot for her age. She told me that they only had sex once and the other guy was just watching. She couldn't explain why he was there naked in the chair. I should have pushed for more details because even as I type this, it doesn't even make sense. She also told me that they were only having sex for 5 minutes before I showed up.

If I had known about this place before, I would had known about things like the polygraph test. Needless to say, we picked up the pieces and I took her back. I thought I needed her at the time because my workload was just too much. I also still loved her and honestly thought she made a mistake. From what I have learned here, this is called rug sweeping. 

This summer, she hired 3 new hands. I didn't want to appear jealous so I didn't give her any preferences about who she should hire. One guy she hired is very handsome. That wouldn't bother me except for the fact of how they act around each other. She blushes, sometimes gets quiet around him. He is up front when I am alone with him but when my wife is around, he acts more charming and stares at her. My conversations with him are short and to the point while they can stand outside and talk for 30 minutes at a time.

This is driving me crazy! I can't leave home without thinking that something is going on between them. I tried bringing it up casually to my wife and she accused me of being jealous. She said that he is just a kid and she would never do something like that again (he is 19). I just can't help but to think that they are sleeping together.

So that's where I am now. What should I do or how can I force myself to trust her? I have found myself snooping more often and also doubling back home when they are there. I have found that it is driving nuts. I would like to believe that she would never cheat on me again but my mind keeps telling me "What if". Any helpful advice would be appreciated!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She had sex more than once, more than 5 minutes, and the guy in the chair was on deck. You know this. This scenario had probably happened more than once. Think about any other times around then when she was home alone. 

You think its bound to happen again with the new guy. Read the threads here about investigation. Do it and keep your cool.

You'll find out what you need to know and you'll know what to do then. Just keep cool.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well it's never to late to demand a polygraph BTW

Have you tried putting a voice activated recorder in places they might meet/talk?

You could always just fire the kid - you're the boss and if he gives you a bad vibe let him go.

Trust your gut.

And maybe rethink your R again. You caught her red handed with 2 guys and she obviously planned the whole thing and got rid of you. And yeah, the story about them only doing it once sounds way off - who lets a third person in the room the first time you cheat?


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

You have every right to have your suspisions. Sorry you are here.

Since your wife seems to be POSSIBLY heading down that same road with the hand's (hiring young attractive men), you should be prepared for the outcome. I could go on about the why's (why did you allow her to do the hiring, hire a young attrative man without your say so, etc, etc, ) but that is not progressive after the fact.

You need to get some VARs to place in your bedroom, and anyother place your wife and hand's exchange interaction. That would be the first step. Second step is talking to your wife about your feelings and how her actions are making you feel uncomfortible. Be open with her, give her that chance, but also up your surveillence. I dont need to tell you her story was total BS, you know yourself. So with that, you know she MAYBE not be 100% with you when/if you do inform her about your concerns.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I can't believe you made it so easy for her to get back together.
She double-betrayed and cheated on you, yet you forgive her after jut 2 months of separation.
She's probably tickle truth'ing you.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I can't believe you made it so easy for her to get back together.
> She double-betrayed and cheated on you, yet you forgive her after jut 2 months of separation.
> She's probably tickle truth'ing you.


sorry but that doesnt help his situation now. Talking about the why's he did something when the action has already been done isnt helping...


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## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

You are right. My gut told me the whole time that this had happened many times before. I guess some part of my brain just tried to block it out and take her at her word. I have thought about firing him "just because" but I don't want to come across as an ******* since it may be a slim chance that they are not doing something behind my back.

As far as the R, it makes me upset thinking about it. I went through quite a few pages here and realized how I should have done things. I should have went ahead and filed and let her come crawling back to me. I probably would have gotten the real truth that way. She needs me more than I need her but at the time, I was the one that reached out to her to reconcile. I saw the other guy again but kept my distance because I couldn't imagine holding a conversation with him without punching him in the face. Also taking in consideration that the other guy was naked, it's obvious that it was some sort of 3 way. All I can think about now is this new guy's face and him banging my wife. I really want to get my emotions in check because I feel I may get to the point where I think that every guy I see is banging my wife behind my back.


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## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

I have looked into the VARs and I am prepared to get one. The only thing that worries me is that she will find them. I grew up on a farm and was always a hands on person. I am pretty good at using the computer and electronics but she knows a lot more than me. She is the type of person that uses her ipad for notes while I prefer a good ol fashioned pen and paper. Are there any VARs that someone can recommend that are very difficult to detect and easy to setup. Price doesn't matter as it's my happiness that I'm worried about.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

robbsms said:


> You are right. My gut told me the whole time that this had happened many times before. I guess some part of my brain just tried to block it out and take her at her word. I have thought about firing him "just because" but I don't want to come across as an ******* since it may be a slim chance that they are not doing something behind my back.
> 
> As far as the R, it makes me upset thinking about it. I went through quite a few pages here and realized how I should have done things. I should have went ahead and filed and let her come crawling back to me. I probably would have gotten the real truth that way. She needs me more than I need her but at the time, I was the one that reached out to her to reconcile. I saw the other guy again but kept my distance because I couldn't imagine holding a conversation with him without punching him in the face. Also taking in consideration that the other guy was naked, it's obvious that it was some sort of 3 way. All I can think about now is this new guy's face and him banging my wife. I really want to get my emotions in check because I feel I may get to the point where I think that every guy I see is banging my wife behind my back.


All the men in the world are not your enemy my friend, your wife is... get her in check.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

This summer, she hired 3 new hands. *I didn't want to appear jealous so.* Why would she think your jelalous?I didn't give her any preferences about who she should hire. One guy she hired is very handsome. *That wouldn't bother me except for the fact of how they act around each other. She blushes, sometimes gets quiet around him.* And you are quiet, when it happens because? He is up front when I am alone with him but when my wife is around, *he acts more charming and stares at her.* And you allow this disrespect in your face. Because ? My conversations with him are short *and to the point while they can stand outside and talk for 30 minutes at a time.*]Again you allow this disrespect in your face. Because ?[/COLOR]

This is driving me crazy! Why ?I can't leave home without thinking that something is going on between them*. I tried bringing it up casually to my wife and she accused me of being jealous. *Considering the past
I assume you just took it. *She said that he is just a kid and she would never do something like that again (he is 19).*And ? the other two guys where young to *I just can't help but to think that they are sleeping together.* If not. they surely are going to. Its just matter 
Of time. 

So that's where I am now. What should I do or how can I force myself to trust her? You can at least start to pretend to go bat s...t. How come you allow a 19 year old punk disrespect you in your one house? I have found myself snooping more often and also doubling back home when they are there. I have found that it is driving nuts.* I would like to believe that she would never cheat on me again but my mind keeps telling me "What if". Any helpful advice would be appreciated!* You should ask your self. Why do I allow 
My self to have her your “wife” keep DISRESPECTTING my this way. And keep
doing it. Also ask your self, why you are allowing it.

Trust me the kid is not your problem.Could and will be someone else in the future You are.

You never seem to put your foot down.
You are far more concern about how your wife is
Going to react. Why you haven’t fired the kid by now
Is mind boggling. Considering the past. And t hat you don’t even know half of the story. One has to ask. Why are still married to her??
I mean seriously. Perhaps its tie for you to move on.


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## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

It's not that I'm allowing him to disrespect me, it's just I'm not sure if it's harmless. My wife is attractive at 38 so if I had not known about her infidelity, I would perceive this behavior as harmless. At this point, I have not caught them doing anything sexual so I feel that I could be overreacting. I found that I have become obsessive with these ideas and it is controlling everything I do.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

robbsms said:


> It's not that I'm allowing him to disrespect me, it's just I'm not sure if it's harmless. My wife is attractive at 38 so if I had not known about her infidelity, I would perceive this behavior as harmless. At this point, I have not caught them doing anything sexual so I feel that I could be overreacting. I found that I have become obsessive with these ideas and it is controlling everything I do.


Of course you are obsessing - you didn't get any closure the last time, and your wife is neglecting your feelings about this. She probably thinks it's no big deal. You need her to understand that it IS a big deal. The way things were before the infidlity doesn't matter at this point, because you have both changed now.

So; IMO you need to start to man up and show her that you care about this. Tell her that her response to your concern is worrying you, and that you are going to let this dude go.

Did she ever go to the bottom of her infidelity and learn exactly WHY she did this? And did she tell you? Do you understand it? If not, I would rewind and make sure that you both understand the all the why's and how to prevent it from happening again. In fact I think you NEED to do this. 

That will probably help ease your mind.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

robbsms said:


> It's not that I'm allowing him to disrespect me, it's just I'm not sure if it's harmless. My wife is attractive at 38 so if I had not known about her infidelity, I would perceive this behavior as harmless. At this point, I have not caught them doing anything sexual so I feel that I could be overreacting. I found that I have become obsessive with these ideas and it is controlling everything I do.


Also, I want to make a point that you didnt suspect anything last time, just kinda walked in on her affair(s). She maybe a good role player and is able to be deceptive in her actions. Do not let her carry on with this type of flurtacious behavior which is causing you distress. Like I said, talk to her about your feelings, see how she changes/responds. But still, get yourself prepared with surviellance.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> My wife does all the hiring and firing since I have never been good with those HR things.





> My wife was in my bed with the hand sexing her from behind while his friend was sitting naked in the chair watching.





> She later told me that at the time, she was weak emotionally and thought he was a handsome kid. She said that they flirted casually and he told his friends that she was hot for her age. She told me that they only had sex once and the other guy was just watching.





> One guy she hired is very handsome. That wouldn't bother me except for the fact of how they act around each other. She blushes, sometimes gets quiet around him.


Forget a red flag, This is the ATOM bomb. You caught your wife with multiple sex partners. And YOU let her continue to hire ranch handlers to flirt with and you stand by and watch to not seem jealous???? Nobody makes a mistake of having an orgy behind your back . You did let her off easy and allowed her to continue hiring *Fresh Meat* to pick from. You are enabling her to continue her ways. She will cheat again. And she's been cheating long before you caught her. (Naked guy in the chair waiting for his turn). It doesn't matter if its 5 minutes or 5 years it doesn't in NO way shape or form excuse her actions. She is living in paradise with her stable of men and a husband she thinks she can walk over. 

Take control of hiring the handlers. Fire the handlers she has hired and tell them to not come back. Take your wife to counseling immediately. 

Trust your gut. If she being secretive about anything you should already know something is up. She has not proven to you she can be trusted and considering what happened how can she still flirt with another man right in front of you???? She doesn't have any respect for you. Draw the line in the sand and tell her what she needs to do to earn your trust again.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

robbsms said:


> *It's not that I'm allowing him to disrespect me,* _yeas you are._ *it's just I'm not sure if it's harmless.[/B Blushing ,get quiet,talk alone with him 30min.Harmless? Yeas pigs can fly by windows.*[/B] *My wife is attractive at 38*_ And the point with that is? _*so if I had not known about her infidelity, I would perceive this behavior as harmless.* _Sigh_ At this point, I have not caught them doing anything sexual so I feel that *I could be overreacting.* _Do you really belive it?_I found that I have become obsessive with these ideas and it is controlling everything I do.


 _Easy solution fire the guy-_


WTF you got to be effing kidding me.

You actually belive that a another man is hitting on your wife.
And the reaction she displays, is harmless??

Especially given you couth you wife in a three some.

Hence knowing what she is capable of.
Oboy..You are in some serious denial…

And finally. DONT ever , and i mean ever let a another man hit, charm 
And disrespect you with being alone and talk with your wife.

In you on HOME..


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Fire his as*! 

Who gives a flying fvck that she hired him? 

Also who cares about she wants at this point? At 2 months she should still be licking your boots so don't put her feelings above yours after what she did. 

You rugsweeped the whole affair and lo behold what shes doing two months later. No one can really be surprised at that. 

This is gonna be frank.

You never put your foot down, you never manned up and let her back in after two measly months so now she doesn't respect you. 

Despite the fact that you punched he,r she probably thinks you're a pus*y because you let her take the reins of the marriage after only two months. 

You need to bust her as* off that cloud shes on BIG TIME and I don't mean by violence. 

And are you really gonna pay a man to fvck your wife

Fire his as*, you don't need a reason to do it to some prick flirting with your wife while he takes your signed checks. The balls on this guy, maybe you should ask him to borrow them so you can let your wife know that you won't tolerate her bullsh!t and that if she doesn't shape up she'll be out on her as*


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

robbsms, if you were living in Georgia, I'd think you somehow had run into my ex and blindly had married HER.
This behavior isn't new to me. The only difference is that I never discovered it until after I was served my walking papers. You need to come to grips with the fact that you have no reason to be jealous of her actions simply because she is no better than a dog in heat and I can guarantee you what you saw wasn't her first rodeo where she pulled that train.
(I really don't know why I come to this site since it only reminds me how stupid I was for twenty years. For some reason, seeing other people being just as stupid after discovering the betrayal doesn't make me feel any more justification for my own lack of action to end it.)


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stop waffling and take steps to protect yourself and discover the truth.

Tell her for you to start healing she has to write a timeline of her affair and the detail of what happened as well as answer specific questions , such as - name the men she has had sex with since married to you and , how many times has she had sex with these men.

Then take her in for a polygraph 

Be very prepared to D her if she declines to answer the questions or attend the poly

and fire the hand , there is no need for you to put yourself through this emotional trauma.

Your wife can agree to all of this and pass, giving you peace of mind or she can oppose it and fail, both of these tell you what your next steps should be ; an opportunity for recovery or D .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

I can't believe you stayed with your wife after you caught her in act with two guys . Dude , have some self-respect and dump her yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Robb

You should take your wife on a date. And drive over to your local lie detector agency.

Give her no warning.

And tell her she takes it or she is packing because that woman lied her ass off to you.

Then go see an attorney and know your rights. Because if my wife was having a threesome and I was even thinking of letting her back in the door she would have to sign a post nup agreement.

Because your wife deserves nothing my friend until she earns your trust back.

Frankly, you should have blown her world up. Or you could get out of the horse business, put a hidden camera in your bedroom and sold the sex tapes of her doing the fram hands for a living.

Not that she is hiring the meat again when are you going to let her send you out of town again???

Your choice buddy.

HM64


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

The OP is a cowboy? What slef respecting horseman puts up with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Cheating changes the marriage from discovery until death do you part. If you R then the WS must change from discovery and on. It appears she has not. If you want anything to trust, trust your gut. You dont need a poly test to know she cheated on you multiple times with 6 men or 10 or 1, you dont need a wife with whom you rugswept into a false reconciliation. The fact is you dont need her. 

If you want a real R then read threads on here about how these WSs acted after betraying their spouses and you will see the gigantic difference. If you want to stick around and waste more time by all means do so and set up vars under the bed, under drawers, in her car, by the door and you may have an epiphany that nothing changed or maybe did after you find enough evidence or not.

Why live with constant fear, doubt, without fully trusting your wife, thats not love. Decide how much MORE evidence you need to make a decision to D or R, because you have not R, there is no transparency, no discussion as who to hire, etc etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

It's been a while since we talked about her infidelity but I know we must now since I'm obviously not over it. I have already decided to let this guy go. It does not work out for him but I have to do what's best for my family. I am prepared to tell her to fire him. If she doesn't comply, I will do it myself. It may be too late for me to do the 180 that I've read about but I'm just going to tell her how I feel and how her behavior makes me uncomfortable. I'm really eager to see her reaction when I tell her that I want to fire him. I'm thinking that if she gets very upset and refuses, then I will know that something was going on that I didn't know about.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You did not really resolve what happened last time. At this point you do the hiring and firing, Go with your gut. Also I would tell your wife you need access to everything, Ipad computer email accounts her cell phone.

Woman do not get into three ways the first time out either. This happend many times I am sure. 

You need to get into MC with your wife. I would not trust anything at this point, you need to verify everything and I would not leave the wife at home alone.

How long have you two been married, any kids?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

robsms If I were you I'd take away hiring and firing. Also I'd make up a contract that if any the ranch hands are not allowed in the house for any reason. Doing so will result in immediate termination. 
Also You need to get tested for STD's. One more reminder it seems like your wife is going to do this again. Normally I would say try for R. Considering the multiple partners and the railroading. That she has been doing this for a long time. Long enough to feel comfortable having multiple partners and doing anything but one on one vanilla sex. 
The reason your hand is being flirty is because your wife probably is giving him all the signals. 
I this situation I think the only prudent thing is to file for divorce. 
I know you love this woman but she obviously does not love you. You are her support while she has her fun. She is what we call a cake eater. Considering the fact that it is short term relationship she is not looking for EA considering most hands come and go. With her doing the HR she is probably hand picking the ones she wants to play with. I am sorry you are here. File and kick her out let her see what life is like on the other side. See if the banging the bosses wife still works out for her. 
I wouldn't touch this woman until the STD tests came back. YOu were legally divorced for at least two years. And she had passed several std tests since then. Some STDs take up to six months to pop positive. 
I am sooooo sorry.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Threesome on her first time cheating.REALLY? Did she came from Mars?

She is a seriel cheater, she was doing it for a long time.

How can one forgive so easily after seeing his wife having a gang bang. 

She is really lucky to have you as her husband, if it was someone else she may not be having a marriage right now.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer, POST-NUPTIAL.
Polygraph, full disclosure.
Total transparence.
IC for her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I have never been good with those HR things.


If your wife employees people and then has sex with them, neither is your wife, to be fair. 

She is leaving your business open to charges of sexual harassment.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

What the hell, you're not supposed to trust her after what she did. And the reason the naked guy in the chair didn't make sense is because there was a whole lot more to the story. If she felt comfortable enough to have one on top of her while the other guy watched, it was not the first time. She probably likes three-somes or more. 

Boy, you have a big decision to make. Here are some options.

1. Start swinging. That way at least you can have fun too.
2. Force yourself to trust her (Bad Idea), so she can just have another affair.
3. Get a Divorce.
4. Go to marriage counseling.
5. Start having an affair of your own, since she's probably not going to stop.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Robb

Trust your gut.

It is that simple. 

Tell your wife why you fired the guy after you do it. And then tell your wife why you are unhappy.

Deal with the issues head on.no rug sweeping.

You need to find out if she is worth having a marriage with in the future.

It is never to late for that brutal conversation.

You also need to find out what kind of lifestyle she wants to live and if it matches what you want.

For some reason I think you two are worlds apart.

Get the truth.

You deserve nothing less.

HM64


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

robbsms said:


> She couldn't explain why he was there naked in the chair. I should have pushed for more details because even as I type this, it doesn't even make sense. She also told me that they were only having sex for 5 minutes before I showed up.


She’s lying, they ALWAYS lie and minimize as long as you don't have any evidence otherwise. She's insulting your intelligence.




> I tried bringing it up casually to my wife and she accused me of being jealous.


It wouldn't be an issue if you hadn't already caught her red-handed screwing a hand before. She can't be trusted, duh.




> She said that he is just a kid and she would never do something like that again (he is 19).


More lies, she doesn't care.


File for a D. She has no respect for you and after you let her get away with screwing the last guy she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger. Dude, if she ever REMOTELY cared about your feelings she would do anything to make you feel comfortable. Instead she is looking for a new boy toy.

It is not too late to talk to a lawyer, if you feel you can't ever trust her again and she shows no remorse then it’s pointless to stay married to her. I personally could never recover from catching my W in the act and would D out of principle regardless of my feelings. I would have more issue living with myself than living with her. No spouse is worth sacrificing your dignity for.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

You walked in on your wife having a three-way and by your own admission “rug-swept” it. Now your wife has hired a new ranch hand and is brazenly flirting with him under your nose. Chatting him up for 30 minutes outside?! That’s what you pay him for, to chat with your wife? Getting doe-eyed when she sees him?? Him staring at her?!! And you are worried first and foremost about appearing “jealous”. 

Friend it is time to set the mark of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you, and enforce it with the reality of divorce when, not if, she continues to blatantly disrespect you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Firing the hand may not keep him gone. I still suggest a VAR, ther small, the size of a cell phone and the can easily be taped under the seat of her truck and in her offfice. So go get one and buy some velcro tape along with it. Check out Bestbuy.

At least you know your chick is not an "all at once girl" but rather a "one at a time girl". If it makes you feel any better my wife is a "one at a time girl" also.

With out remorse or consequences she will continue, even if you fire the new hand, there is always next summer, you might be best served in doing some of the hiring.

So is your wifes ipad still locked, what about her laptop, has she made an appointment for individual counselling to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage, has she had long talks about her behavior....not just what happened, we have seen enough porno to know what happen, I am talking about a behavioral issue your wife has with the choices she made.

This isn't about you its about a woman that can't affair proof her marriage and what she is going to do about it. Mistakes and accidents don't just happen someone makes a choice a short cut if you will and poeple get hurt.

After all the crap I went thru I can only tell you this, its up to your wife to do the real heavy lifting to affair proof her marriage thru her own actions. You can be the best husband in the world and if your chick is broken then its up to her to fix herself and keep her marriage. You on the other hand have to choice to tolorate her current behavior in not affair proofing the marriage or move on.

Maybe you guys are just better off as business partners rather the husband and wife?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The main problem is her. Simple as that.

It's never too late to prepare yourself for divorce. First separate your finances and your assets.

When ready file for divorce.

She hadnt learnt her lesson and you appear not to let her have her consequences.

Get ready for divorce and file. Then you have the several options, one of them is to reconcile. Till then she's going to cake-eat because you're letting her.


(btw, I think her reputation as an easy lay is already out there.)


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> sorry but that doesnt help his situation now. Talking about the why's he did something when the action has already been done isnt helping...


Perhaps. However, it will help him in the future.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Really JB?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Look---you do not have to explain one F'ing thing to your wife about ANYTHING---she had a F'ing 3some in your own bed

For a whole he*l of a long time to come if you say jump she says HOW HIGH---and that is the way it is

Tomorrow, you go to the 19 yr old and fire him, you are the boss, and you have every right to fire him---if he wants to know why---tell him point blank---he is wasting time talking to/staring at/flirting with your wife----tell him if he is not off your property within one hour, you will have him picked up on trespass charges

Your wife doesn't get to say one word---if she does, tell her she can leave also---believe me she ain't goin anywhere over some 19 yr old, that can't feed her, or take care of her

You HAVE TO BE HARSH, and your wife doesn't get to say one word---SHE FORFEITED ALL RIGHTS TO COMPLAIN, or be treated with respect

What I wanna know is did you put her, all her clothes, and her cosmetics, in a small room somewhere in the house, and did you get rid of the marital bed---if either of those things were not done---WHY NOT

Remeber you do what is necessary for you, not your cheating wife, and if she doesn't like what you do, remind her why this is all happening.---Also at this point stop being mr nice--guy, and stop being lovey--dovey---your wife who has cheated once, is openly flirting, and looking to cheat again---you better stop it right now, with her knowing exactly why you are doing what you are doing!!!!!!


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## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

I had to get rid of the guy last night. I told my wife that I wanted him gone and she wondered why. I simply told her that I was not comfortable about the way they interact and that I'm not over what happened last year even though I told her I was before. She got pretty irate over it. At one point, she refused to fire him and said that he should stay until the end of the season. We fought for a few hours over this. She ended up leaving the house and told me that I was a jealous old man.

I did call him and told him that his services won't be needed anymore. Things have slowed up a bit so we really didn't need the extra help. I also told him that I would send him his last check and he just said he was grateful for the opportunity to work with us this summer. We just left it at that and I know I won't be calling him back.

My wife isn't speaking to me now. I tried calling and texting her but she won't answer. I felt bad initially since I thought that I appeared to be jealous. From the way she blew up, it appears that she had some sort of attachment to him. Her reasoning was that: 

-He didn't do anything wrong
-I was being jealous and controlling
-If I don't trust her now, I could never trust her
- I shouldn't have lied and said that I was over it when I really wasn't

I have to admit that I'm a lot older than her. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage and my wife was never able to have children. In a strange way, I kind of felt good that she left. I was really unsure about these thoughts and didn't know if I was overreacting or not. If/when we do try to work things out, I will not allow myself to move on this time without peace of mind and the entire truth. I have my brother staying here for a while and he will help out until then.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

robbsms said:


> I had to get rid of the guy last night. I told my wife that I wanted him gone and she wondered why. I simply told her that I was not comfortable about the way they interact and that I'm not over what happened last year even though I told her I was before. She got pretty irate over it. At one point, she refused to fire him and said that he should stay until the end of the season. We fought for a few hours over this. She ended up leaving the house and told me that I was a jealous old man.
> 
> I did call him and told him that his services won't be needed anymore. Things have slowed up a bit so we really didn't need the extra help. I also told him that I would send him his last check and he just said he was grateful for the opportunity to work with us this summer. We just left it at that and I know I won't be calling him back.
> 
> ...


Ok, sounds like you did the right thing, but you must quit blowing up her phone, it makes you look weak. Go "dark" and let her contact you. There must be consequences for her actions. The question I have is, where did she go? To the OM's house?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It takes a sh!tty wife to not care about her husband's feelings.

Do you really want to stay married to someone like this?

This better not be JB...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop calling her---also, you are not controlling---you are protecting the mge, as to jealous---no way---you are just reacting to her already cheating on you---

Seems like her leaving is a little suspect---as in maybe she is hooking up with the guy you fired


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

-He didn't do anything wrong
-I was being jealous and controlling
-If I don't trust her now, I could never trust her
- I shouldn't have lied and said that I was over it when I really wasn't

Tell her she's hit number three right on the head.
FACT: You will NEVER be able to trust her.

As far as number four goes, ask her how she'd like for you to hire a couple of street pros, move them in on the ranch and start having them service you while she watches?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

robbsms said:


> My wife isn't speaking to me now. I tried calling and texting her but she won't answer. I felt bad initially since I thought that I appeared to be jealous. From the way she blew up, it appears that she had some sort of attachment to him. Her reasoning was that:
> 
> -He didn't do anything wrong
> -I was being jealous and controlling
> ...


STOP trying to contact her and go dark, completely silent. 

Her reaction is entirely like that of a cheating spouse. I would suggest that there is a very good chance she walked right out and into bed with him.

She didn't react as a remorseful spouse with understanding of how much of your trust she threw away last year by cheating, or understanding that you see a situation developing that could lead there. No, she got irate, defensive, and insulting to you.

She is back at it.

Now - *"I was being jealous and controlling" * - this is cheater speak for you are interfering in my ability to cheat. This line alone makes me think she already has had something going on with him.
*
If I don't trust her now, I could never trust her* Trust is earned and not given blindly. She destroyed all trust when she cheated before. And while you've given her the gift of some trust, you would be a fool to every again trust be blindly until she has earned you trust. And that doesn't come from her just saying "I'll stop cheating". She was earning it, but her current actions are once again throwing it away. Including how she reacted tonight.

I suggest when she does come home, that you grab her underwear that she is wearing from the laundry put them in a zip-lock bag and have them tested at a lab for semen. I think she went to him last night, or some other guy either to be with the guy she is cheating with , or out of spite. Either way, she isn't acting like a remorseful loyal wife who is trying to save her marriage and rebuild it after her cheating with multiple men. Instead she is acting like a cheating wife, who believes she has a right to cheat and is angry that you are standing up to her games.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

robbsms said:


> I have to admit that I'm a lot older than her. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage and my wife was never able to have children. In a strange way, I kind of felt good that she left. I was really unsure about these thoughts and didn't know if I was overreacting or not. If/when we do try to work things out, I will not allow myself to move on this time without peace of mind and the entire truth. I have my brother staying here for a while and he will help out until then.


Then don't call her or make any contact with her. You are not overreacting, you are simply reacting to what SHE did to the marriage.

If you truly want peace of mind and the entire truth, you have to be willing to end the marriage if that criteria never takes place. Peace of mind comes from within knowing that it was not you who broke your marriage vows and lied. As for the truth, you may or may not ever get that from her. That is her burden to deal with.

See a lawyer. Cut her off financially as much as you can. Do not contact her at all. If she contacts you, simply tell her that you need the whole truth from her, and even then, you can't guarantee that you will ever take her back.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You chasing her with texts and even offering any kind of compromise in this is you validating to her that her reaction of anger is appropriate.

So go dark. 

But while you are dark, I strongly suggest you get investigating ASAP - cell phone records, where she is at, panties for semen. Because she is a woman who just a year ago was having a three-way while she sent you off alone because she feigned being sick. 

You are living with a guiltless skill manipulator and you really need to watch your back.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

robbsms said:


> My wife isn't speaking to me now. I tried calling and texting her but she won't answer. I felt bad initially since I thought that I appeared to be jealous. From the way she blew up, it appears that she had some sort of attachment to him.


Your wife is having a temper tantrum because she just lost a little bit of control over you in your relationship. She'll get over it. Stop trying so hard to contact her to "make it right". 

And if you want to know the truth about what she's up to, as others have suggested, you need to investigate. At face value, it seems unlikely that you know the whole truth right now about your wife's sexcapades.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop calling her!!!!!!!!!

This tactic will show her how confident you are in letting her go. This tactic will make her think twice in what she is about to lose.

Your begging and pleading will only give her the perseption of control and that there are no consequences for her so in her mind she can do what she wants.

What sucks is do you know were she went and is there a way to prove it.

I'm sure the 1st time she screwed around you had the " if you do it again we're done" right? so if she went of to this kids house or had a ONS then that would be a dealbreaker.


AGAIN STOP CALLING HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop getting sucked into her power play, it won't work out for you in the long run....trust us!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW you are not jealous or controling, you are protecting.

Protecting your marriage and more importantly protecting your self from her emotional torture.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

From another cowboys perspective.
I found out my ex was banging the whole rodeo circuit I was on. Most of them didn't know she was even married, but my travelling partners did.
You think the whole town doesn't know by now? You fire this one and another young buck will be waiting in line for the job because of the great "benefit plan". 
She has done it before, and she will do it again. She didn't slip up and have a moment of weakness that can be worked through. This is what she does. 

You need to be done with her. Plain and simple. You have a ranch to run and you don't deserve this.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I haven't read any of the responses or updates. Reading the OP hurt me. Because I see so much of my denial and forgiveness in your response.

I can only offer my story and my interpretation of your wife's actions and your current situation.

Your wife lied to you and never told you the true story. This will happen again. And you will have to go through this pain all over.

There's not a lot I can do to change your mind. Her response tells me that she is not capable of remorse or a successful reconciliation.

My heart breaks for you because you sound like a good dude. I wish you the best on your journey, and remind you that this can be a blessing in disguise. You have the opportunity to make your life into what you want, and find a woman who is dying for her cowboy and will treat you right.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Dark on her. Start just now the 180.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

robbsms said:


> -If I don't trust her now, I could never trust her


Her lack of empathy and remorse is telling. She clearly doesn't understand the hurt and betrayal she caused you. If she really wanted to make your marriage work, she should know that it will take more than moving back in together. She needs to do a lot of work to rebuild your trust in her, living open-book and bending over backwards to ensure you know where her heart is, if it is in fact with you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's gone, the helper is out. She's not responding to OP right now, just wondering if she's giving the helper a final test drive.

That's just my wild imagination but...

If she comes back ask her where she went, and then verify it, even if you have to get a polygraph test done. Or just rug sweep it again until the next guy comes along.

Again, just my wild imagination running away with me here. But it is something to consider.

You have a pre-nup right??? If not, maybe a post-nup might be needed??


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This was my first chance to read this thread. 

robbsms, do I have this right? You walked in and saw your WW with your own eyes, having a threesome with 2 OM? And you're worried about hurting *her* feelings because of her inappropriate relationship with these new guys?

I'm flabbergasted, but not surprised. We see this type of situation all the time here. Have you been in therapy for your low self esteem?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You are getting a lot of advice... I see a three things.

1. A marriage that is in big trouble and R is not possible unless she is willing to grovel for your forgiveness, however by your own admission you know that.

2. You have a business to run and by your own admission, you are not good with the HR part of it.

3. I somewhat understand the physical action you took toward the PA you walked in on, but there is some serious anger issues there.

First, I would tell she needs to prove to you that she is not having an affair with the new ranch hand. You have already received advice on this issue. Her word is NOT good enough. If that is all she can give you... she needs to pack up and move out.

Second, You probably then need to hire someone (you just need to do it) that can take over her side of the business. This just shows her that she can be replaced. 

Finally, not to pick on you, but I would recommend you find some way to quell your anger issues. Not sure trying to strike out physically is a suitable action. You are lucky charges were not brought against you. Don't assume that that will always be the case. If you were to strike someone the wrong way and it resulted in the death of that individual, this could be bad. You probably should read chapter 19 of the Texas Penal code. 

Just be careful, however also be direct. Don't do anything foolish to compromise your position... Make sure you are able to call all the shots.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Rob, how long have you been married?

It may be best to divorce her now. If you don't you'll probably regret it and your daughters may not see a penny of the inheritance, as she may squander it away after you're gone. She is completely undeserving of you.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

First time poster but i read this site for more then 2 years. The reason why i decide to post is your situation is very similar to mine. 

First D-day 2008 my ex-wife with a woman (co-worker) in the living room (in our house) and the bf of the woman watching ( supposedly was there only to record it with his camera not to Participate ) . 

Second D-day 2010 my ex with another woman in bed and three men this time in our house and in every possible combination .... every combination 

Between 2008 and 2010 i have found nothing not because there was nothing to found but because i have showed her very often that i didn't trust her ,so my ex was very careful and smart . 

What i did is give her a false sense of security for few months and hired a pi. 

He installed a a/v surveillance system in my house ,her office and her car (in the car a GPS and a/v) and followed her when i was on a business trip out of the country. 

After she has called me at my hotel to be sure that i was out of 
the country the party started. 

Never spoke with her again everything was done through my lawyer ,divorced 2011 . 

What i learned from her married co-worker (one of the three men) after some "creative persuasion" was that from 2002 until 2010 (we where married 1999) he and my wife had participate in countless parties 

Never never never trust a cheater they lie and deceive and never rush things gather as much information as possible before you act 

You must find out if she cheats . To try to prevent cheating firing pretty boy does not make a big difference she can find him of ranch or she can find someone else 
Then you can decide if you divorce or try to fix the situation. 
If you don't find anything.... .... .... slim chance sorry 

Don't apologize to her but tell her that you have made a mistake offer her to hire him again if she wants and acknowledge that it was wrong of you and that you have overreacted , tell her that you will go to IC and that you need to talk about the affair with her so you can get over and maybe that MC would be a good solution , ask her not to be so friendly with the hands or other men because its a trigger for you , don't demand it ask only( give her a false sense of security) ..... 

Hire a Pi and if money is a problem by VARs lots of them GPS for her Car , Keyloger for her computer and phone .....VIDEO CAMERAS with mics Hidden in everyday objects (clocks ,*electrical junction boxes* , smoke alarm .....) 

Watch and Listen and read threads on this site educate your self and read the treads of the CHEATERS at Affair Discussion Forum • Index page very very informative maybe even more useful then the treads on this site (SORRY GUYS)


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

> My wife isn't speaking to me now. I tried calling and texting her but she won't answer.


You appeared weak, needy and clingy. It should have been the other way around. She should have been calling and begging you.
Your wife sounds far away from being remorseful, instead, she feels she'd do the same things all over again at any given chance. 

Just because you're way older than her it doesn't mean you can't find a woman you deserve and one who will love you just the way you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

giashasa2012 said:


> Watch and Listen and read threads on this site educate your self and read the treads of the CHEATERS at Affair Discussion Forum • Index page very very informative maybe even more useful then the treads on this site (SORRY GUYS)


No need to apoligize....its good to know your enemy


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> No need to apoligize....its good to know your enemy


:iagree:

A couple of members would be right at home there.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

the guy said:


> No need to apoligize....its good to know your enemy


I could have lived my whole life not knowing a site like that existed. W.... T..... F......


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Wow...just...wow.

Not since shamwow's debacle with his (ex) wife have I been compelled to post.

Your wife makes the average wayward spouse look like Mother Theresa. Yeesh...she's carrying on like a wanna-be porn star. One mounting, and one watching? Wow. This is so far beyond the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" that it's heartbreaking.

I think you are a very kind man, and your wife is taking advantage of you. Seems to me that this is *way* outside the cowboys code of conduct and it doesn't even register. 

Please don't let her return home until she starts shovelling her way from beneath this massive pile of manure she's dumped on your marriage.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

hookares said:


> -He didn't do anything wrong
> -I was being jealous and controlling
> -If I don't trust her now, I could never trust her
> - I shouldn't have lied and said that I was over it when I really wasn't
> ...


Hook

Do not tell him to say that to his wife. She was working on a threesome when he caught her. She just might like to join in......

HM64


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, you want to know why she is not answering, she is busy doing a threesome for spite.
Thats the woman you are married to.
Its been said, but worth repeating,,, " who does a threesome the FIRST time they cheat ??"

The question is, why do you want someone who is just using you to pay for her studs ??

Also, you can bet everyone knows what she has been doing. So most folks see you as an old man willing to look the other way to keep a younger woman.
Yeah it hurts to know the people at the feed store know. but did you think the studs would keep quiet ??

Do yourself a favor. Forget investigating. Get back your self respect by getting rid of the lowlife.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> Its been said, but worth repeating,,, " who does a threesome the FIRST time they cheat ??"


:iagree:

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Who know how long she's been at this? She didn't just graduate from hugging and kissing some dude to doing 2 guys at once over night. She has to have years of affairs under her belt to get to this point.

I suspect if robbsms actually did any digging, he would uncover all kinds of horrific stuff.


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## robbsms (Aug 15, 2012)

Luckily, we have a lot of work to do to keep me busy. Otherwise, this whole issue has been killing me!!!! I already stopped calling her since earlier but I have not heard from her. No calls, texts, or nothing. I was compelled to call around to try to see when she is but if I strike gold and find out where she's hiding, it may make me appear as being needed and remorseful. It's still eating me up about where she could be.

Also, I have to admit that the fight was pretty bad. I have a pretty bad temper but it's hard to push me to the brink. The only time I hit her was when I lost control the first time walking in on her. She never told anyone that I hit her and it made me feel bad because that wasn't how I was raised. I think this paid a big part of me forgiving her and welcoming her back home.

Since she has gone dark, I plan to meet with an attorney. Ideally, I would want to make it work but it takes two to do that. I think I am more shocked as to how long this went on under my nose without me suspecting a thing. I'm a lot older than her and it made me feel inadequate that she decided to cheat with a much younger guy. It's becoming more and more obvious that she has been using me all this time.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

robbsms said:


> I'm a lot older than her and it made me feel inadequate that she decided to cheat with a much younger guy. It's becoming more and more obvious that she has been using me all this time.


How much older are you than her?

I guess she's not sexually attracted to you anymore and no matter what you do, I'm afraid it won't help. She'll never be attracted to you again. She wants to feel fresh and sexy by dating younger guys. She wants to have their validation. 
That's why it's NOT worth saving this marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm wondering if she's a gold-digger who thought she'd landed a nice life with land and someday a big payoff for her. Meanwhile she had lots of freedom to cheat and play you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I'm wondering if she's a gold-digger who thought she'd landed a nice life with land and someday a big payoff for her. Meanwhile she had lots of freedom to cheat and play you.


That's what I was thinking. Just heard a horse trainer tell me that she hears young, hot, female clients all the time saying sh*t like that. "Oh so and so's coming home this weekend, I'm so glad I only have to screw him <x> times a year." And then they chat about their crazy sex adventures.

I'm starting to lose faith in humanity lol.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

COguy said:


> That's what I was thinking. Just heard a horse trainer tell me that she hears young, hot, female clients all the time saying sh*t like that. "Oh so and so's coming home this weekend, I'm so glad I only have to screw him <x> times a year." And then they chat about their crazy sex adventures.
> 
> I'm starting to lose faith in humanity lol.


Or if you are the guy, then push for more and X times a year - that way at least she is earning her keep.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

robbsms said:


> Luckily, we have a lot of work to do to keep me busy. Otherwise, this whole issue has been killing me!!!!
> Ideally, I would want to make it work but it takes two to do that. I think I am more shocked as to how long this went on under my nose without me suspecting a thing. I'm a lot older than her and it made me feel inadequate that she decided to cheat with a much younger guy. It's becoming more and more obvious that she has been using me all this time.


You actually saw her doing a couple of guys, and say its becoming obvious that she has been using you all this time.

But also say you want to make it work,,,,,,,,, PLZ tell me I did NOT read that !!!!
This woman has been exposing you to all kinds of diseases, not to mention making you the laughing stock of the county, and you are so needy that you will take her back.

OK, then do this,call the kid you just fired and go talk to him. Tell him you just want to know what he and everyone else knows of your wife.
Or,if you have ANY REAL friends left, ask them what they have heard.

Be warned, you won't like it. I bet people really like you, and never said anything to keep from embrassing you. 

What you need to be doing is cutting off her access to money. 
Have you checked your accounts today??? 
She is laying up getting her grove on while you is paying for it.
Where dos the guy lives that was doing her before??
And NO DO NOT go there !!
Its time for YOU to act like the GROWN A** man you are, not some needy old man.

She called you like she see you, and OLD MAN.
Thats the woman you want.:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This is just the tip of the iceberg. Who know how long she's been at this? She didn't just graduate from hugging and kissing some dude to doing 2 guys at once over night. She has to have years of affairs under her belt to get to this point.
> 
> I suspect if robbsms actually did any digging, he would uncover all kinds of horrific stuff.


lordmayhem, I disagree with you here, she was not doing 2 guys at once, she was doing 2 guys one at a time.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

But hey, we see this all the time in the inner city. But its some pill popping chick or crackhead staying with and old guy on SS. When he can't buy her some,she go out an do whatever to get them.

PLZ don't be that old man.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

the woman pull trains. bottom line.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Check your bank statement and see were she is using her ATM card.
In fact you might want to think about stopping all jount accounts. Cut her off finacially and she will be ringing your phone off the hook.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

That`s one cold self centered woman you have there OP.

I think the lawyer is your best bet.


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