# Am I overreacting?



## LifeTouch4 (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi everyone, I'll try not to be long but I need an outside perspective on this.

My husband and I went on vacation and I invited my sister along because she's going through a divorce and needed some cheering up. This was a road trip also. We picked my sister up in another state. This is the first time my husband and I have gone on a trip or anywhere with my sister. 

First incident: When I started driving after picking my sister up, while driving my hubby offered her some water from a cooler in the back seat and reached in and handed it to her. Never asked me if I wanted one at all. Got himself one too. I was pissed. Didn't say anything. 

Second incident: We sit down to eat in our condo, she goes "oh, I need a fork." He gets her a fork and himself and commence to eat. I sit down and no fork. I'm pissed again. I get up to get the fork and sit back down, both of them know I'm in a pissy mood now and they both asked what was wrong with me once I sat back down at the dinner table. I told him I didn't appreciate him getting water for him and her while in the car and now getting a fork for him and her and not me. He looked dumbfounded and didn't say anything. My sister just made the comment "oh, boy. you're in the dog house now." 

Third incident: While having dinner at a dinner show, we were in a bleacher type sitting arrangement. After dinner my husband decided we weren't going to wait for the people next to us to get up so he jumps over the bleacher to leave. I followed behind him. My sister looked up and saw us and commence to do the same thing and "couldn't get up over the bleacher." My husband yells "do you need help?" over me and she didn't respond. He reaches over me and grabs her hand to help her up. He never once turned around to offer to help me when we were doing this in the beginning. I was truely pissed and started crying. No talking at all on the way home. 

Got back to the condo, he asked what was wrong and I told him about this last incident and he immediately blew up and said that everything didn't have to be about me and he was tired of me getting mad for something he did not do or didn't do. I tried to explain how I felt and still didn't understand and wAnd what was he supposed to do just stand there. And wanted to know why I didn't offer to help my "sister" when she needed help. I honestly didn't feel she needed any help in doing anything. She's been living on her own now for a year and I'm quite sure she's had to lift her legs high enough to do something in that year. I'm still pissed. 

Now I feel bad for feeling the way I do and reacting the way I did but I still feel like he was more concern about her welfare than mine. Oh, another thing: when she wanted to take some pictures during a tour, she asked him to hold her cup of pop for her. I thought she should have asked me instead of him. I was pissed again. 

Please, someone, tell me if I was wrong or not for feeling the way I do. I can't seem to come to a conclusion. And, we are still on vacation.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LifeTouch4 said:


> he asked what was wrong and I told him about this last incident and he immediately blew up and said that everything didn't have to be about me and he was tired of me getting mad for something he did not do or didn't do.


He's guilty. Of what i dont know, but his explosive anger is a sure sign of guilt. 

I dont think your complaints are out of line at all. Stick to your gut feeling and dont let him off the hook until he explains what's going on. 

What has your marriage been like leading up to this point? how long have you been married? any kids?


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## LifeTouch4 (Sep 22, 2009)

We've been together for aobut 15 yrs and married 10 years. I have a son from a previous marriage but we have no kids together. 

We're going through some tough times right now financially -- because of him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He's guilty of being polite to your sister?

I'm sorry, you are too overreacting.

Should he be more considerate of you? I guess so, but I really think you are overreacting.

I don't think he and your sister have a thing going on. He considered her a guest on your trip. He does not consider you to be one.

Men are not mind readers. If you wanted him to get you a fork, then tell him. If you wanted a boost over the bleachers, pipe up!

Your vacation is going to be a long one until you change your attitude.

Yeah, he yelled at you. Bad form. But I understand why he did. You have been acting pissy.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My guess is that he perceived her as a "guest" and extended her some extra courtesy. 

Do you really want to be seen as someone relatively helpless, b/c that is how you are coming across. On the other hand, you could definitely say that you would enjoy being the object of similar courtesy on occasion--"Acts of service" is from the 5 language of love, and apparently that is important to you. He didn't know and is either a really slow learner, clueless, or doesn't care about how you feel--but once you express yourself in an appropriate way (without it being accusatory or reactive, and without crying) that you would just really like that kind of treatment, he can respond. Forgive and forget about the trip--really, she was your guest and deserved some extra courtesy from an outsider's point of view. 

FWIW, My dh absolutely refused to treat me or the kids with decent respect--he "should be able to relax" at home. WTF? Treat the people you love without any courtesy (I wasn't asking for "best manners," just "good manners.") That was not acceptable to me. Definitely contributed to our disconnect.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I’m not going to say you’re overreacting because you are feeling slighted and I don’t want to diminish that. However, I don’t think these are actions that deserve the reactions you’re giving them. Yes, it was thoughtless of him to offer your sister a bottle of water and not you. Same goes for the fork. But I think it could be the other problems in your marriage that are causing you to have such a strong reaction. When the marriage is already entering a rocky bit of road every little thing can bug a person more than it usually would, I know that’s how I am! 

Once you calmly point out what the problem is, your H should be extra careful to make sure he offers the same considerations to both of you. 

Maybe your sister is enjoying having someone pay extra attention to her. Do you think that if you were struggling to get over those bleachers your H would ignored you?


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## LifeTouch4 (Sep 22, 2009)

Thank you, everyone. I do feel I overacted and he was being nice to her as a guest. I don't know why I feel this way and maybe I will later on upon further reflection of my actions and reactions.


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## dingdong (Apr 9, 2010)

Well it seems that everyone has taken his side and said you overreacted but I dont. If your husband truly loves you he would be mindful of you at all times - especially in the company of other women. This is what i seek to do and am careful when out with my wife. if she feels that i am not paying her equal attention then my ass needs kicking.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is a passive aggressive quality to what is setting you off.

You describe these tests that take place in your mind, that apparently he keeps failing. But he doesn't know that he's failing.

Did he regularly practice the behavior that you are looking for now, in the past? If he didn't, then you are only setting yourself up by expecting him to do something that is outside of his norm.

My stbx would get upset and expect me to 'figure it out'. That was simply flat-out never going to be a model for success.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dingdong said:


> Well it seems that everyone has taken his side and said you overreacted but I dont. If your husband truly loves you he would be mindful of you at all times - especially in the company of other women. This is what i seek to do and am careful when out with my wife. if she feels that i am not paying her equal attention then my ass needs kicking.


 Perhaps. But you don't achieve that by breaking down in tears or giving him the silent treatment. It's good that she tells him the truth about her feelings, but she could work on the delivery.

Bottom line, you've been together 15 years. You have issues with him because of money. You're bored with each other and take each other for granted. What to do? Take a good look at the marriage and see where to strengthen it, so that he will WANT to help you over the seat and get your fork.

Marriage takes work. Do you know what Love Busters you do that upset him? Do you know what his Emotional Needs are, and are you meeting his top 5?


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## LifeTouch4 (Sep 22, 2009)

turnera said:


> Perhaps. But you don't achieve that by breaking down in tears or giving him the silent treatment. It's good that she tells him the truth about her feelings, but she could work on the delivery.
> 
> Bottom line, you've been together 15 years. You have issues with him because of money. You're bored with each other and take each other for granted. What to do? Take a good look at the marriage and see where to strengthen it, so that he will WANT to help you over the seat and get your fork.
> 
> Marriage takes work. Do you know what Love Busters you do that upset him? Do you know what his Emotional Needs are, and are you meeting his top 5?


Wow, I hate to admit this, but what is the Love Busters and top 5 emotional needs?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, sorry. I should have added that. Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and look for them. Read up on LBs and ENs while you are there. They have an excellent program for fixing your marriage so that you don't have situations like this any more, because you both become so in love with each other that you WANT to keep each other happy, rather than taking each other for granted. 

It goes like this:
Learn and eliminate your Love Busters (what YOU do that annoys your spouse)
Learn and be the ONLY person meeting your spouse's Emotional Needs
Communicate!

LBs can be as huge as spending $1000 without checking with your spouse first, or it can be as small as not putting the cap back on the toothpaste. The point is, they are VERY specific for each person. The best way to learn what your husband's LBs (that you do) is to ask him to fill out the questionnaire. If he won't, try to do it yourself for him, as best you can. But having it in writing is a great way to keep on track.

Emotional Needs are different for each person, but they tend to follow patterns. Men often have sex, admiration, affection, and recreation as top ENs. Women often have conversation, honesty, and affection as top ENs. Best way to learn is for both of you to take the questionnaires. 

Once you know your H's top ENs, make sure you always make sure they are taken care of - that is the #1 way for affairs to start, when you no longer meet your spouse's top ENs. For men, it's often when the wife stops having as much sex, since he typically has a stronger drive. For women, it's often when the husband gets complacent and comes home and watches tv and stops talking to her - she craves conversation and some guy searching for free sex will sweep her off her feet just by talking to her and 'understanding' her.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

LifeTouch4 said:


> Thank you, everyone. I do feel I overacted and he was being nice to her as a guest. I don't know why I feel this way and maybe I will later on upon further reflection of my actions and reactions.


I think he was trying to be nice with your sister only to make her feel comfortable with you. She was your sister and he felt like he had to do something. He had to be nice with her because of you. You have to be glad that he was nice with your sister, and didn't ruined your vacation because he had to share it with a member of you family, since you invited her, and not him. Mostly men do not feel comfortable in the presence of somebody else, especially when is from wife's family side.


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## LifeTouch4 (Sep 22, 2009)

turnera said:


> Perhaps. But you don't achieve that by breaking down in tears or giving him the silent treatment. It's good that she tells him the truth about her feelings, but she could work on the delivery.
> 
> Bottom line, you've been together 15 years. You have issues with him because of money. You're bored with each other and take each other for granted. What to do? Take a good look at the marriage and see where to strengthen it, so that he will WANT to help you over the seat and get your fork.
> 
> Marriage takes work. Do you know what Love Busters you do that upset him? Do you know what his Emotional Needs are, and are you meeting his top 5?



Thanks for the information. I read it and boy do I have a lot to learn.


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