# HELP!!! Just left my husband. Scared!!



## confusedsad_wife (Dec 4, 2012)

Short history: together 7 years, married nearly 3, two preschoolers together and he has teenage boys from previous relationship. 

Okay, so if you have read my other post you will know that I have a huge issue with my hubby disrespecting me. Every single day he manages to say something which indirectly puts me down. He assumes that I am lazy, that I am a liar and that I don't deserve his respect. Yet he also constantly tells me he loves me, he bought me thoughtful christmas gifts, he tries to spend time with me, we still have a good sex life and he tries to be thoughtful in his actions. (Lets me sleep in, takes the kids so I can have me time etc)

I know actions speak louder than words but words still hurt and I can't take his hurtful words anymore. So this morning was the final indirect insult I could take. I told him I was leaving. I packed my bag. I have come to my mum's house and will have to talk to him tomorrow about where we go from here. As I left, he said to me "please think about this, make sure it's what you really want. we can sort it out if we work together"

Now I'm even more confused. I know that it takes two to make drama, but I don't know what it is I can do to make it work. I need my husband to stop making these indirect slurs at me. It hurts my feelings and I'm tired of being hurt all the time. What am I doing to make him treat me this way? I feel as though our marriage is worth fighting for, I just don't know how


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Let me start by saying "Good for you!" for letting your actions demonstrate clearly that he's behaving in a way that you will not tolerate. 

His statements show that he is just as scared and confused now as you are, which is a good thing. We rarely change our habitual behaviors unless we face a crisis. Until now, he has used various denial methods to tell himself it was ok to talk down to you. Now, those denials aren't going to bring you back, and you'll have an opportunity to let him learn this without you using blame, criticism, etc. 

Are either of you in counseling individually or in marital counseling together? If you can stay at your mom's for a while, I'd tell him you want one week of no contact while he makes a decision to set up marriage counseling for the both of you or to let you go from his life. 

I would also encourage you to stay apart until you get around to addressing this in counseling long enough for him to demonstrate that he is capable of not using such slurs or at least shows commitment to change. One thing I'll note on this: There's a big difference with a person who "complies" with therapy recommendations and a person who is "cooperative" with them.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I have read your other posts, and I must say I'm glad you left. I know you're confused and hurt, but right now this might be for the best. You need to clear your head some and if you're not already into some IC, you might want to seek that out for yourself.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I think there are two possibilities. 

1) He says these things that hurt your feelings because he is bad a communicating.
2) Or he actually has no respect for you and doesn't love you.

In the case of number 2 there is little you can do. You should find someone else who actually loves you. In the case of number 1 maybe just some counseling and retraining for him will solve it. 

I think you did the right thing. If there is anything you can do that will cause change, it is pulling away from the relationship.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

His version of love is confusing, as that type of disrespect is foreign in my love language. I don't understand his need to cut you down. What is he getting out of it?

His comment as you were leaving was pure manipulation, as if he really wanted to work on your marriage, he would have stopped the disrespect prior to your bags being packed.



> What am I doing to make him treat me this way?


He needs to answer this to you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Good for you for not putting up with verbal & emotional abuse!

He loves you (his actions show it) but he will probably need outside help to stop the abuse. It can be done. I wouldn't just take "his word" that he will stop. If he is serious about changing & saving his marriage, he will take the steps (anger management, counseling) to do it.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Stay gone for a few days so he has time to think then go into counseling together.


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## kevinocarro (Jan 3, 2013)

You need to clear your head some and if you're not already into some IC, you might want to seek that out for yourself.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

Any updates? How are you holding up?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where are the children? Where are you?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

confusedsad_wife said:


> I need my husband to stop making these indirect slurs at me. It hurts my feelings and I'm tired of being hurt all the time. What am I doing to make him treat me this way? I feel as though our marriage is worth fighting for, I just don't know how


Some people are just not made to be married. You're already more than half way out an maybe that's for the best. I was thinking of leaving for a couple days earlier this week but my wife talked me out of it.


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## confusedsad_wife (Dec 4, 2012)

Okay, so I left for four days with the kids. He agreed to talk to me calmly, which we managed really well. He really opened up to me and gave me some insight as to why he is this way. Long story short he was abandoned by his mum, rejected by his adopted parents, bullied as a kid and sexually abused. His ex completely screwed him over and still tries to. So I knew all this but we came to a realization that he has huge trust issues and believes that everybody will eventually mess with him. When he accuses me of lying, it's because he subconsciously believes that everyone lies to him. And so it goes on. When the house isn't 100% clean, he suspects that I'm trying to take him for a ride and make him do all the work. Anyway, he has asked me to come back and has agreed to go to MC to learn to trust me and understand that I am the one person in the world he can rely on not to screw him over. I'm really happy with that. We have been to MC in the past and it worked for the issues we had at the time and he actively worked on his side so I am confident that it will go well. But I really feel as though he would benefit from some IC also. If he has such a huge inner trust issue which is bordering on paranoia I feel that hubby should really work on that not jet for us but for himself. Any thoughts On how I can persuade him? Also sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I just got an iPhone and can't find the right button! Thankyou all for your help and concern, it's nice to have support 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

confusedsad_wife said:


> Okay, so I left for four days with the kids. He agreed to talk to me calmly, which we managed really well. He really opened up to me and gave me some insight as to why he is this way. Long story short he was abandoned by his mum, rejected by his adopted parents, bullied as a kid and sexually abused. His ex completely screwed him over and still tries to. So I knew all this but we came to a realization that he has huge trust issues and believes that everybody will eventually mess with him. When he accuses me of lying, it's because he subconsciously believes that everyone lies to him. And so it goes on. When the house isn't 100% clean, he suspects that I'm trying to take him for a ride and make him do all the work. Anyway, he has asked me to come back and has agreed to go to MC to learn to trust me and understand that I am the one person in the world he can rely on not to screw him over. I'm really happy with that. We have been to MC in the past and it worked for the issues we had at the time and he actively worked on his side so I am confident that it will go well. But I really feel as though he would benefit from some IC also. If he has such a huge inner trust issue which is bordering on paranoia I feel that hubby should really work on that not jet for us but for himself. Any thoughts On how I can persuade him? Also sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I just got an iPhone and can't find the right button! Thankyou all for your help and concern, it's nice to have support
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MC probably will not fix him. You said he puts you down every single day. Many people have horrific childhoods but are not abusers. 

I think he's playing the victim card to get you to stay with him.

He needs intensive outside individual therapy that deals with anger management.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think Emerald said it well. 

As far as how to convince him to get IC, ask the marriage counselor for an opinion while your husband is in the room.


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