# Can anyone help me understand what I did wrong?



## Mindy2010 (Feb 15, 2013)

It's Valentine's Day & my husband did the usual flowers, card, & chocolates, which was nice. He brought dinner home so I didn't have to cook, which was really nice, since we have 4 kids & can't go out. I told him & showed him that I appreciated all of this very much. But it is especially clear to me on this day about love, that what I really want is for my husband to step up & be my partner, especially in parenting. 
After the kids went to bed, our 8-yr-old came out to tell us that he thought our 2-yr-old, with whom he shares a room, needed a diaper change. It turned out he had a bad case of diarrhea. He needed bath, the bedding needed to be changed, the whole bit. My husband just doesn't do the gross stuff, which I can live with. But there were things he could have done, such as start the bath running while I got most of the mess cleaned up; removed the bedding, which really wasn't that bad, & replace it; open the window to air out the room, get a change of clothes, etc. Instead, I had to rely on my 8-yr-old to help with those things, because my husband was too busy WATCHING TV. And when my 8-yr-old had trouble finding something & needed dad's help, my husband got angry that he was being interrupted. I bit my tongue & got the situation under control & the kids back to bed. I waited so as not to interrupt his TV show again. But when he asked me what was wrong, I told him. It was obvious I was upset, but I didn't yell. I just told him exactly how I felt, that I needed him to be my partner & not let those responsibilities fall to our oldest child. It is too much like how my own father treated my mother. They have been divorced since I was 11. He listened without interrupting & then when I finished asked me if there was anything else. I said it wasn't the first time that something like this had happened, but other than that, no there was nothing else. And then I started to cry. He said NOTHING. He didn't ask a question, didn't offer a response or any comfort whatsoever. He just went back to playing a video game. Then about 15 minutes later, got up & left the room, his body language making it clear that he was very angry. He was even throwing things around & making angry sounds. Then he just walked out without saying anything to me. 
I am stunned. I do not think I am being unreasonable nor do I think that I handled the situation badly. Frankly, I feel I showed him more courtesy even than he deserved. I didn't want to "pick a fight." I just want him to understand how I feel. And if he has a problem with how I feel, he has a responsibility to tell me, not just walk out of the room in anger. 
But I am genuinely asking this question because I know everyone feels they are justified when they are angry about something, so I need to put this situation in perspective by getting an outside observation. Am I unreasonable for getting angry that he didn't step up to help me in any way, even when asked? Am I unreasonable in expecting him to help me with the kids when something goes wrong, even if it interferes with one of his favorite TV shows? I know I have missed plenty of favorite TV shows myself because the kids have urgent needs, but I don't think that should only be my responsibility. Even if I am not being unreasonable for feeling that way, did I do something wrong in the way that I handled the situation? Please give me your take. Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume that he works a normal work day and you are a SAHM. 

When he's home, yes he should help equally with the children and house work (this assumes that you do most of the housework when he's at work).

If you asked him to help, he should have helped. How long did it take you to take care of the baby and clean everything up?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Mindy, just from a guy's perspective, your post is almost entirely about childcare and his Valentine's Day efforts are almost an afterthought.

For perspective, if he were to write the post, it'd be 90% about how Valentine's Day was a complete flop and the childcare thing would be the afterthought. Admittedly he brought it on himself, but I bet he's pretty upset that the most passionate moment of the night was an argument about dirty diapers after the efforts he put in prior to that to make the day special.

But anyway, for the record, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect help with the kids.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I didn't see anywhere in your post where you (not your child) asked for his help in this situation and he refused to help.

Did I miss something? If so, I apologize.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Yup. You could be 100% correct in your assessment of the overall situation and be 100% wrong in your choice of time to be confrontational over it. 

I'm not transferring the blame to you here, just saying that if you want to reinforce your husband's good behavior, or call him out on his shortcomings, you don't pick a fight with him on Valentine's day after he buys you flowers, dinner, and chocolates. 

Have that conversation again under less loaded circumstances and have wild monkey sex with him for remembering you on V-day.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Mindy2010 said:


> It is too much like how my own father treated my mother.


This was the sentence that stood out to me the most. Sadly many of us marry the parent we had the most problems with as a child. You father wasn't there for you and subconsciously you picked a man who isn't there for you either. I totally get this.

So there are two problems here. One is to dig deep and deal with your past and two is to yes understand that you have the right to want a partner to help with kids. 

I could even add a third problem...him. He's checked out which is why he prefers tv over you and the kids. Do you know why? What was his childhood like? Is he happy?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm with Acorn on this.

No guy wants to hear about what he screwed up or didn't do, when he actually did make quite an effort to be nice and thoughtful. Yes he could have come and help with the 2 year old, but after getting it sorted I would have put the discontent with his parental help on the back burner for another day. The time should have been spent snuggling up on the sofa together IMO.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Mindy--As a dad, I've changed so many diapers. Maybe just as much as my wife. Although I worked all day, she was working at home, which is also a full time job, especially with a baby. So I did my part. my wife would always ask for help. 

On a side note, at times when I was home early any something like that would happen, I would almost feel like I was in the way. She had her routine. Maybe your husband thought that you had it all under control. If my wife needed help with something, all she had to do was ASK. I'd help in a heartbeat. So many nights I would be up at 2 in the morning along with my wife, when our little one had a stomach virus or something...Not fun!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mindy2010 said:


> I told him & showed him that I appreciated all of this very much. But it is especially clear to me on this day about love, that what I really want is for my husband to step up & be my partner, especially in parenting.


As I read your post, I had the same question as others: Did you ask him to help? 

It also occurred to me that you said you told and showed him your appreciation, but if you got mad at him not helping with a child's diaper messes, he probably didn't feel like you appreciated anything. You said it but did not really show it, especially if you didn't specifically say, "Honey, this is bad. I know you hate the nasty stuff, but would you help by opening the windows?" 

It's almost as if you had a preset idea of "I've shown enough appreciation, and this falls outside of showing appreciation, so instead of giving him a gift of peaceful time while I'm going crazy with this mess, I will let him know that I'm not appreciative at all of him taking peaceful time when I'm going crazy with a mess." 

That's fair. But it is also what he did. "I've shown enough love, and this falls outside of showing love, so instead of giving her a gift of easing her difficulty, I'll let her known that I don't love stinky messes."


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why should she have to ask him to help? It's his child too. Seems to me if he is a father, it's just as much his responsibility to help take care of sick child as it is hers. Also she probably figured it wouldn't do any good to ask for his help after he yelled at the 8 year old.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

>husband
>4 kids
>playing video games

Sounds like someone needs to do a little more maturing


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Whose idea was it to have 4 kids in 8 years?

The reason I ask is that my wife was all for getting pets, against my wishes, and stated she would take care of them. 

But I admit that I get a little p!ssy when one of them makes a mess and I have to clean it up.

Could there be some resentment towards the kids on your husband's part... sort of a "well, you wanted all these kids, you clean up the mess!" kind of thinking?


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

He was thinking he had been a wonderful romantic husband, and was he was looking forward to a romantic sexy time with you after the kids fell asleep.

You then acted upset, and when he asked why you told him he was not a good partner. At that point loverboy realized that all his efforts had gone for naught, and he was not going to get laid. He didn't take that well. 

Your feelings about needing him to help out proactively were valid, but timing is everything. Just my two cents....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

karole said:


> Why should she have to ask him to help? It's his child too. Seems to me if he is a father, it's just as much his responsibility to help take care of sick child as it is hers. Also she probably figured it wouldn't do any good to ask for his help after he yelled at the 8 year old.


I agree she shouldn't have to ask. I don't think any of it should have been addressed on V-day. Maybe today would have been better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I didn't see anywhere in your post where you (not your child) asked for his help in this situation and he refused to help.
> 
> Did I miss something? If so, I apologize.





Mindy2010 said:


> Am I unreasonable for getting angry that he didn't step up to help me in any way, *even when asked?* Am I unreasonable in expecting him to help me with the kids when something goes wrong, even if it interferes with one of his favorite TV shows?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Mindy - i think you handled the whole situation well. You held it together enough to get the baby cleaned up and kids back in bed. Then talked to your hubby about what was upsetting you. Asking for help is perfectly acceptable. Your a team aren't you?

We've got 3 boys and whenever anything projectile came out of any orifice it was ALWAYS my job to clean up the mess. BUT hubby was there...opening windows, getting cleaning stuff, cheering me on.

Hopefully your H was in a better mood once he came back...


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## Erin143 (Feb 12, 2013)

Ok I had a similar circumstance this year with my wife, sorry to say. Not with kids but with arguing. And though I still do not feel like it is my fault to this day, I think the main issue may have been maybe you didn't ask him? And if you did, then yeah Valentines Day is a day for Love, anything anyone has an issue with should be put aside for that day. I hope everything worked out well afterwards, and yeah no guy likes hearing their flaws ESPECIALLY after feeling they've really done something right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Valentines day does NOT stop diareah..

Sorry..:redcard:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't believe in special days..Not "pre-marked"..

A special day is any day you make it special.


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## Erin143 (Feb 12, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I don't believe in special days..Not "pre-marked"..
> 
> A special day is any day you make it special.


You can make every day special, hey you wanna send 3 dozen roses a teddy bear a box of chocolates and a card in the mail to surprise your wife and in the morning act like you forgot everyday by all means go for it. All I amm saying is that Valentines Day should be the one day no matter what couples just drop it. And yeah its not gonna stop life but we can still find what we initially fell in love with for that one day can't we?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> I don't believe in special days..Not "pre-marked"..
> 
> A special day is any day you make it special.


YOU may not "believe" in special days, but others might. Many believe Valentines Day is a special day. The husband of this original poster might be one of those people. People also generally consider birthdays and anniversaries special days as well.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

I have to say that opening the windows and starting the bath would never have entered my mind. If you need something done just ask, if he refuses or gets very angry after you ask, then yeah he's out of line. But you can't expect him to know how bad the situation was or what you needed done if you didn't ask for help.

Your post says the 8 year old said the 2 year old needed a diaper change. If that's all that was said most people would think it's a one person job.

Wanting more help is perfectly fine and understandable. You did nothing wrong in telling him after that you would like him to be more helpful IMO. As long as you were nice about it.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

One of the main rules for the relationship I am in right now is "If you don't speak up and Ask/Tell, you forfeit ALL rights to complain or hold the other person responsible (for not 'knowing' or doing). No one is a mind-reader." That even extends to commonly repeated things such as impromptu helping with chores... i.e. it's nice if they notice at the moment and chip in without asking, but to tell someone they failed/were bad because they didn't "just know to" is inexcusable and likely to prompt "There's the door". 

And for us at least, it's helped our relationship a whole lot. We work to minimize assumptions and maximize clarity and communication. Obvious we can define the roles and expectations for recurring situations so they don't need to be always be reiterated, but that's not in conflict with the rule because by definition the 'speaking up' already occurred earlier. If there's not a standing prior discussion or similar clarification, then just because it happened one way the previous time doesn't mean it's required to happen the same way the next time if nothing is said.

Now what that rules really helps with is to prevent one partner from arbitrarily deciding, possibly on a whim, that other partner did something bad and then "punishing" them in some way (complaining, yelling at, withholding affections, or whatever). That leads to a severe desegregation of the relationship, and I've heard of plenty of women guilty of doing this to their husbands by telling them they failed to (read their minds and) do something they had no idea they were expected to do... because NO ONE TOLD THEM ... and then they find themselves in the proverbial dog house and told they have to make it up to their wives in some way.. all for not being told anything in the first place. ( and likely a good bit of 'one partner holding the other responsible for their happiness' dysfunction ) I experienced this in my first marriage, and it was like acid poured on the foundation of our relationship.

I'm going to add than in the OP's situation, I'll bet that the husband was looking forward to and building up hopes that'd he'd would have some intimate time with her where their relationship was #1, but what he got was a big giant reminder that his paying for everything, parenting, doing housework and being her butler were much higher priorities to her than being his wife and best friend. With 4 small kids in the house, I wouldn't be surprised if he feels he's gotten the message that he ranks lower than the cat on her priority list.

I also noticed that the OP said "And if he has a problem with how I feel, he has a responsibility to tell me". For that to work, it really needs to go both ways very, VERY consistently. If she is expecting him to always speak up when she doesn't, she's sending him a powerful message about their relationship, and it's not a good one.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

This is the way it plays in my sick mind. I go all out with the flowers meals cards and such. All day long I picture in my mind the awesome sex I'm going to get that night. The big moment is getting close then BAM! Something happens and all that planning, all that fantasy just gets blown to smithereens! Now I'm pissed and hurt. You meant for the child to get the squirts so you wouldn't have to have sex with me. I doubt you really care about me. Just a small window into my sick mind.
 I hope your husband is not like me.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

He felt unappreciated, attacked and disappointed with the V-Day outcome. All of that is immature and unworkable along with his reaction.

As a reformed husband, I know had he handled it correctly you would have felt connected to him and he would get a double scooby snack.

Helping out being asked or at least comforting you when he realized he effed up would have worked out well.

This was not his finest hour. Had my wife approached me the way you did I would have agreed I dropped the ball, apologized and assured her I would pay better attention to the crises outbreaks and jump in to help. BTW I also am the go to guy for anything gross. 

That being said, my wife asks for help when she needs it or wants it and I never fail to help her even if I dont want to or its inconvenient. I suck it up and then she is amazing toward my needs in return but I always go first setting it up. 

I call it service attitude towards my wife without being a beta wuss.


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## Wonderinginnc (Feb 17, 2013)

Anubis said:


> I'm going to add than in the OP's situation, I'll bet that the husband was looking forward to and building up hopes that'd he'd would have some intimate time with her where their relationship was #1, but what he got was a big giant reminder that his paying for everything, parenting, doing housework and being her butler were much higher priorities to her than being his wife and best friend. *With 4 small kids in the house, I wouldn't be surprised if he feels he's gotten the message that he ranks lower than the cat on her priority list.*
> 
> I also noticed that the OP said "And if he has a problem with how I feel, he has a responsibility to tell me". For that to work, it really needs to go both ways very, VERY consistently. If she is expecting him to always speak up when she doesn't, she's sending him a powerful message about their relationship, and it's not a good one.


I'm trying to understand how taking care of a child which had such a messy diaper that sheets had to be changed and a bath given, is showing her husband that he isn't her top priority. So in an appropriate relationship, a horny man trumps a child with crap over him?

The OP left a romantic situation to take care of a messy diaper. She was gone long enough to change the bedding, air out the room, run and give a bath to a child with poop covering him, while the husband just sat there, and yet SHE ruined HIS valentine's day? 

If the situation had happened at my house, three things might have happened: First, exactly what happened in OP's case, with husband mad; 2. I play like nothing has happened (not wanting to ruin the mood). We proceed to sex, but in the back of my mind I am worrying about why the baby pooped like that, and why my husband didn't help me, and thinks so little of me that he left me to deal with crap. I wouldn't react as quickly or as into it as he would want, so it wouldn't be great, he'd get frustrated and mad, and finish, leaving me frustrated. 3. I talk with him about it later, and he gets mad that I "kept a grudge, or held this in...why didn't I talk about it earlier." It's not just men who feel they can never win.

The fact is "sh*t happens" even on Valentine's Day.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thound said:


> This is the way it plays in my sick mind. I go all out with the flowers meals cards and such. All day long I picture in my mind the awesome sex I'm going to get that night. The big moment is getting close then BAM! Something happens and all that planning, all that fantasy just gets blown to smithereens! Now I'm pissed and hurt. You meant for the child to get the squirts so you wouldn't have to have sex with me. I doubt you really care about me. Just a small window into my sick mind.
> I hope your husband is not like me.


SHEESH!!

Sorry no meant to offend..


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

:rofl:


dallasapple said:


> SHEESH!!
> 
> Sorry no meant to offend..


No I'm not offended. Just ten years of bad sex. Like I said just my thoughts. I just need to man up and change things. Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thound said:


> :rofl:
> 
> No I'm not offended. Just ten years of bad sex. Like I said just my thoughts. I just need to man up and change things. Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread.


Yeah understand..I guess my comment would be good sex doesnt have to be only on Valentines day.:smthumbup:


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

As well as other points already made, I wonder if you said that your marriage reminds you of your parents' marriage. Given that your parents divorced he may have felt you were hinting that your marriage was going the way of your parents'. If that was the case, I could imagine him feeling that after all the effort he had gone to to make Valentine's day a special occasion, he felt he was being threatened with divorce because he had not read your mind? That would hurt me a lot.

Just trying to see it from his point of view.

I found being a husband of a wife with several small children is very hard work. For both of you. That causes a lot of stress for both of you. 

Could it be he is also having problems at work?


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

I would have being annoyed by the water works ,because in my mind I will be thinking this is an attention seeking reaction because the issue at hand does not warrant tears. But if it is your parents that triggered the crying I can understand


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> SHEESH!!
> 
> Sorry no meant to offend..


Yes you did. Own it if you're going to post it.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I am in a bit of disbelief at many of the comments on this thread. Particularly those that are in support of the "poor Valentines martyr" who was unable to get laid even though he put forth such a strong effort. I mean candy and flowers? A regular Don Juan.

Wake up people. The older child completely got it and even asked Dad for help and was chastised for it or did you miss that part. I think he is lucky she did not take that game stick and shove it up his puckered a$$. How about that for some Valentines reciprocation. 
He may be the father but he does not appear to be much of a man.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

RClawson said:


> I am in a bit of disbelief at many of the comments on this thread. Particularly those that are in support of the "poor Valentines martyr" who was unable to get laid even though he put forth such a strong effort. I mean candy and flowers? A regular Don Juan.
> 
> Wake up people. The older child completely got it and even asked Dad for help and was chastised for it or did you miss that part. I think he is lucky she did not take that game stick and shove it up his puckered a$$. How about that for some Valentines reciprocation.
> He may be the father but he does not appear to be much of a man.


I'm not going defend what the husband did as right, but what I am reading between the lines here is a marriage where there is inadequate communication in both directions. I'm thinking he's not (clearly) telling her what his expectations for time with her are, and she's not (clearly) telling him what she's expecting of him help-wise until after the moment's passed. And they're both getting mad at each other afterwards for things not said. I'm willing to bet this is just a symptom of a larger set of issues that's been a while in the making.


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