# How to get over an infatuation or is it an EA?



## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Forum,

I have just last week overheard my wife explaining to her sister that "she really likes this guy" - note the use of present tense. When I confronted her she said it was nothing but as I gradually drew more and more information out of her it became apparent it was more than nothing, she seemed to have a real attraction for the guy even going as far as to say her heart fluttered whenever she saw him but that she had seen the warning signs and decided to avoid contact with him from then on - she last had contact with him about two months ago she says.

I don't think the other guy shared the attraction but I could be wrong, they spoke to each other for a fairly long time on a number of occasions in a local bar. What seems strange to me is that she felt the need to discuss it with her sister after apparently deciding to avoid further contact over two months ago? I'm confused and just want to do what's best to help both of us move forward.


She has assured me that she decided to stop "seeing" him as she knew the path led to a bad place - we have a comfortable lifestyle and a gorgeous little girl and what I had thought was a happy marriage. I am absolutely prepared to forgive her and move on with our marriage - I love her dearly and had no idea that this "affair" had happened.

What I'm finding extremely hard to cope with is the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it, she explained the situation when I overheard her but since then I sense the the subject isn't up for discussion - she asserts that as no physicality took place she has not done anything wrong.

What does everyone think? Should I let it lie and move on or continue to seek dialogue with her about what happened. I don't want my marriage to end because I love my wife and love being married to her but I think I need to talk further with her about the underlying reasons for the infatuation and also help me get over the sense of betrayal and to help me rebuild my trust in her.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the fact that she doesnt want to mention it, has many implications. 
if she talks about it, you wil keep questioning her. if she doesnt talk about it then she is harbouring her feelings for you and her sake. so really where does it end, whichever path she takes. really she is in a no win situation. 

my suggestion - take her out and buy her some flowers. the fact that she had attention of this guy - shows your not giving her what she needs. sorry to be honest. but you need to listen. 
your not loving her the way she needs to be loved. 
listen to her, or you wil lose her.
ask her what she wants, in terms of n e thing. what can you do for her. dont mention what happened. concentrate on her and u. 

this is what happened to me, my H lost me because he was so selfish a man, that took everything for granted that i'd always be with him. take nothing for granted and evolve in your relationship. dont stay stagnant. your wife has simple needs, she wants love and attention. i personally dont think they are much to ask for in a relationship. especially when you love your H or W. love should be unconditional that you'd put them first.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks Justean for your reply, you have given me some good advice. I think that I will have to let it lie and focus on us and the future. Although I have many questions I think if I do force answers out of her I will just get more hurt. She has said she just wants things between us to be great again, and so do I, I just need to work out a way to get there.

I have always trusted her and have never had any reason to suspect that trust is misplaced, I think what I find hardest to accept and deal with is how well she kept her feeling hidden from me but then I suppose if the boot had been on the other foot I would have done the same. 

Thanks,

Hombre


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I think it is commendable that your wife resisted the temptation and cut things off to preserve your marriage. It sounds like a crush, assuming it was just light socializing in public, not romantic gestures, etc. It seems pretty human nature to develop attractions, but a happily married couple is faithful enough to not act out on it. I agree with the previous recommendation to rebuild by paying more attention to your wife.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

again, it is interesting to see the female responses to this scenario. a "straying" wife gets a pass cause the husband isnt paying attention to her needs. your responses were based on very little info as to the real cause of her actions. i cant help but feel if the husband was seeking companioship elsewhere that you would be blasting him.

i respect both of you ladies and your opinions tremendously but you have put the burden of her decision to seek fullfilment somewhere else right onto the husbands shoulders because he hasnt given her what she needs. you have commended her for not going too far with it. i see it on here alot, free pass to the ladies from the ladies. i guess this sounds harsher than it is really intended to be but it is how i feel.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi okeydokie, you make an interesting point and a part of me does agree with you - I suppose I had taken my eye off the ball in some regards but we both still seemed to be happy although our sex life had been somewhat lacking for sometime.

I think what is the saving grace here as far as I'm concerned is that I found out about the involvement after my wife had decided to terminate further contact with the other party. I don't even think the other party knew that my wife had taken a shine to him and was probably just chatting to her without any inkling that she was interested in him. I wonder what would have happened had her interest been reciprocated though!

Anyway my wife and I are hoping to patch it all up and work with each other to resolve any underlying areas that need more effort - hopefully this whole episode will serve to bring us closer and I'm just thankful that the situation is retrievable - the hurt I currently feel will pass with time.

Thanks


Hombre


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hombre, i wish you nothing but the best believe me.

I also wasnt trying to start a poop storm up with Justean and Sensitive, i hope they understand i was just making an observation.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

*Re: How to get over an infatuation or is it an EA? Or Not in Love Anymore?*

I had a good long talk with my wife tonight and discussed the infatuation, I now know that this isn't the real issue. The real issue here is that although she still loves me she is no longer in love with me. I had no idea this was the case, I thought we were getting along great but it turns out that she has gradually shut out her emotions and avoided dealing with issues to such an extent that she now needs time to decide what to do with regard to our marriage.

She has said she wants to make things work, we have a gorgeous little girl of 5, but I am so heartbroken it has got to this stage without me realising it. I will stand by her for as long as it takes because I want this marriage to be a success and definitely want our daughter to come from a "whole" family but I dread the possibilty of living in a loveless marriage - my marriage has changed so much in the space of a week I am reeling!

She says she needs space and time to work out her feelings and decide what she want to do - we'll still be together during this time, she hasn't asked to be seperated or anything like that. I think I'll also find it hard dealing with not knowing what the outcome will be - it all seems so unfair as I still love her and am in love with her. How I wish we had communicated about these issues when they arose, it's insipid how this has caught up on us but little by little she has fallen out of love with me and it really, really hurts.

Any advice on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated,


Hombre


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If she "needs space", she's done with you. The EA with the OM is her trying to find out if she's still attractive to others. 

Brace yourself! It's going to get bumpy. Getting through "this" is going to be difficult. 

I'd suggest testing for STDs... this may be only the tip of the iceberg.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

dcrim said:


> If she "needs space", she's done with you.


Sheesh! Needing space does not mean she is done in the marriage. It doesn’t mean she is sleeping around. There is no guarantee what it means but it probably means she needs time to think and sort out her own feelings and look for answers within herself. 

Hombre, when a spouse has withdrawn to this extent then the last thing they want is a doting mate falling all over themselves to try and fix everything they think is wrong in the marriage and in them self. My marriage survived an EA. My wife told me she loved me but is no longer “in love” with me. That was over two years ago, but we are still together, still working on our marriage, still raising our kids, enjoying each other’s company,….. There were times when she needed space and a lot of it. It didn’t mean separation or not spending time together, it meant let’s give the emotions, the pain and the anxiety a rest and slow the pace. Find out what we really want. There have been times during this that I needed space also. I certainly didn’t feel like I didn’t want the marriage to work, I just needed time to sort things out, to look back and reflect. 

I commend your wife in seeing that the relationship was a danger to your marriage. Many spouses wouldn’t see that or if they did they wouldn’t do anything to stop it from progressing.. She did, you’re a lucky man in that. The real question for you now is do you believe she has truly ended it? Can you trust in her that it is over and she won’t succumb to the temptation. Can you trust her that it was an emotional affair and went no further. If you can trust her then do it and leave it alone. If she feels a need to open up about the relationship she will, but I doubt it. Because it hurts her too. She feels the loss of her marriage and the loss of him and it will take time for her to get passed that. Give her the space she needs for now. But you will need to communicate about the marriage and discuss what you both need to be happier. You mentioned a lack of sex as an issue. If that is an issue for you discuss it and the other areas of the marriage that need to improve for you both. Don’t dwell on the EA. This will take time, but she has stated she wants the marriage to work. Build on that and leave the baggage at the door.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks Amplexor, what a kind and thoughtful reply - it has really lifted my spirits. 

I will take on board what you have said and give her time to reconcile her emotions. It's very painful for me at the moment - it all came as such a shock and I keep thinking the worst but in time I will realise that my wife really does want to make a go of things and I'll try just to be myself - hopefully without the bad bits that put her off me!

I'm pretty confident that the EA was nothing more that a few conversations in a bar, I still trust her and she has told me that that was all it was. In fact I suspect that the OM was simply being freindly to my wife and doesn't realise he has a secret admirer!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hombre,

If it helps at all I have read much on relationships and marriage and many experts say that when one spouse "falls out of love" with the other they can still "fall back in love". All is not lost.

Communication is key now...and Amplexor's advice of leaving the baggage at the door is good. It might be difficult to communicate where you are so hurt. Is there any way you can go to see a good marriage therapist?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

If it is any consolation to you, I've had "infatuations" with two or three men in my 27 year marriage. I didn't have an affair with them, I just found myself attracted to them. If one thinks one's spouse is only going to have the hots for ONE person (them) their whole marriage they are sadly mistaken.

Acting on the infatuation is the error. If I see someone who makes my head turn: I run the other way and tell my dh "Another one bites the dust....":rofl: I don't cheat, I am attracted, however, as I am human. I just know not to ACT on it.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi,

I've spoken to my wife about going to see a marriage therapist but she says she couldn't talk to a stranger about all of this. She just wants things to return to normal and I suppose if I try to force her to do something she isn't comfotable with it will create tension.

I'm willing to play it her way for the time being and see how we go. We are still talking very often (I work away from home which doesn't help) and she sounds positive that she wants to make it all work - she doesn't want me fawning all over her, she says just be yourself (which is kind of odd as thats what got us into this mess in the first place!).

I'm am being proactive about things which I know she was unhappy with me about, I'm losing weight and starting to take exercise to improve my fitness and will try to be as happy and supportive as I can be when I'm with her at the weekends.

We're still planning things for the future - holidays, moving house, etc so I'm going to go along with all of this and give it my best shot - if it all unravels at least I know I will have tried my best.

I think if I get all paranoid and suspicious of her that will be the end of it.

Wish me luck!


Cheers,


Hombre


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi Hombre,

Sounds like you are taking the right steps..wish you the very best! We are all here if you need to talk.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Best of luck, there are some positives here. Whatever changes you need to make to improve the marriage, commit to them for life. Don’t waiver even if things get bumpy. She may be more receptive to counseling down the road if things don’t improve in the current course. Be sure to communicate your needs to her also. This won’t turn around overnight.


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