# Just venting



## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

You know what sucks the most in a situation when your wife cheats on you with no warning (well, at least for me)? The fact that there's literally no one to talk to about it. Family and friends, few who know about this? "That's horrible, but we would so much want your lovely family together so could you please get all this mess fixed. Besides it's Christmas time please don't ruin this for us". Family therapy? Apparently the way out is that my wife needs to forgive herself to be a better person to be able to fix our marriage (really) and I need to forgive myself to be a better person to fix out marriage (wtf) and we all need to work hard to fix our marriage. Social media? Tried Reddit, got swamped by casual comments from random people, half of hem didn't bother to read my post and another half thinks it's my fault.

So out of all things that suck now this one takes today's highest rating.

So yes I'm using this forim to vent although to me half of stories in this section look like to be written by the same person or the same style or whatever.
So you're welcome to mock this or ban me or just ignore.

Best


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hugo, you are hurting. No one here is going to mock you. Most of us have been in your shoes. We made mistakes in handling our situations. We have lashed people who were trying to help us because of our pain. We have walked the path you are traveling and know how hard, lonely, heart-wrenching and scary it is.

The reason the stories are so similar is because human nature is in essence uniform and infidelity follows such a universal script, we call it the cheater's script.

You are welcome to vent, we will try to help. The more information you provide, the easier it becomes to point you in the right direction.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Take a breath and know that you are not alone, even-though you feel that you are.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Hugo41 said:


> So yes I'm using this forum to vent although to me half of stories in this section look like to be written by the same person or the same style or whatever.


There's not much variation in the sad tale of infidelity. 

It's called the ''cheater's script'' for a reason.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @Hugo41 fir what has happened to your like and marriage but trust me you will get some great advice here. The more information you provide the better and more detailed help you will receive. Let us know the type of affair (emotional, physical, or both) the length of it, how you found out, is it over and what you think you want to do personally and together etc.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Hugo remember that most family members don't know how to deal with infidelity. Most families, especially parents, just want equilibrium. They want things to go back to being comfortable for everyone, so they will try to walk atop the fence, not wanting to piss off the WW or you. If they piss you off they risk losing their son and brother. If they piss off WW, they worry that if a divorce ensues they will lose access to their children. You haven't said if children were involved but this happens a lot: the parents of the BH will appease and play nice with the WW because they don't want to risk her being petty and restricting their access to their grandkids.

Oh and stop spending money on that therapist. Take that money and hold it for a lawyer retainer. Nothing wakes a cheater up faster than the BH going for lawyer consult.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Hugo41 said:


> You know what sucks the most in a situation when your wife cheats on you with no warning (well, at least for me)? The fact that there's literally no one to talk to about it. Family and friends, few who know about this? "That's horrible, but we would so much want your lovely family together so could you please get all this mess fixed. Besides it's Christmas time please don't ruin this for us". Family therapy? Apparently the way out is that my wife needs to forgive herself to be a better person to be able to fix our marriage (really) and I need to forgive myself to be a better person to fix out marriage (wtf) and we all need to work hard to fix our marriage. Social media? Tried Reddit, got swamped by casual comments from random people, half of hem didn't bother to read my post and another half thinks it's my fault.
> 
> So out of all things that suck now this one takes today's highest rating.
> 
> ...


Welcome to the **** show of being cheated on and then finding out that every person on the planet wants to make it go away. I learned the hard way that marriage and family counselors are really great at making the trauma worse, and people who really love the idea of your family and marriage are going to say stupid things and make things worse. 

Being cheated on is the singular most lonely, isolating and destructive thing that can ever happen to a person. Period.

I encourage you to wade through the posts and find the genuine and helpful stories, you can benefit greatly in knowing you are not alone. That we have felt and experienced the same things as you, and that there is hope for you regardless of what you want to do. I'd also like to encourage you to be strong, stand up for yourself and know that your cheating wife needs to be held accountable for her actions. She is no victim and don't buy any crap from anyone that she is.

Strength and luck to you friend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thank God you found us at TAM.

And we have been where you are. So we know what you are going through, to an extent.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Reddit is a cesspool. Some subs are better than others, though.

As for the whole family thing — family, especially parents, are hesitant to get involved, as they think that will mean “picking a side”, which could lead to them losing access to their grandkids.

But as far as feeling alone and isolated goes, I’ve gotta believe that you've got at least one friend — or maybe a cousin or brother — that you can vent to.

Either way, sorry that you’re going through this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hugo41 said:


> You know what sucks the most in a situation when your wife cheats on you with no warning (well, at least for me)? The fact that there's literally no one to talk to about it. Family and friends, few who know about this? "That's horrible, but we would so much want your lovely family together so could you please get all this mess fixed. Besides it's Christmas time please don't ruin this for us". Family therapy? Apparently the way out is that my wife needs to forgive herself to be a better person to be able to fix our marriage (really) and I need to forgive myself to be a better person to fix out marriage (wtf) and we all need to work hard to fix our marriage. Social media? Tried Reddit, got swamped by casual comments from random people, half of hem didn't bother to read my post and another half thinks it's my fault.
> 
> So out of all things that suck now this one takes today's highest rating.
> 
> ...


Sorry you’re here. As you’ve seen most like you don’t have a clue about infidelity in a marriage or how to deal with it. You’re in total shock. Never thought you’d have to deal with betrayal. 

Marriage counselors can cause more damage than help. Finds a decent one os precarious at best. Some are notorious rugsweepers. They are not all knowing gods. Beware!!!!

Start off on a good foot by informing the other mans wife if he’s married. Nothing can be done unless the affair ends if that’s your goal. It’s not your job to help hide the affair.

In the meantime you need to take the time and decide if this ia a dealbreaker or not. Most upfront are so blindsided they just want back what they had. What you thought you had is gone forever.

In case you have figured it out. All cheaters lie a lot. You won’t be able to trust anything upfront.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Sorry you’re here. As you’ve seen most like you don’t have a clue about infidelity in a marriage or how to deal with it. You’re in total shock. Never thought you’d have to deal with betrayal.
> 
> Marriage counselors can cause more damage than help. Finds a decent one os precarious at best. Some are notorious rugsweepers. They are not all knowing gods. Beware!!!!
> 
> ...


Not all cheaters lie. Some betrayed spouses get 100% honesty. Which can be just as unnerving, to be honest.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

I think someone has called it a show. It does feel like that, although it's is more like modern days murder trial, where it is all about the criminal - did he or auffer any child abuse, is there any doubt or mitigating circumstances, what is the best way to rehabilitate into society, if criminal's rights violated in any way. The victim is just an exhibit, the reason for these nice people being in the room and enjoying the debate.

In the murder trial though the victim doesn't get to watch the show, probably a good thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What initially struck me from your post was your wife apparently telling YOU what she and you need to do after her affair. No. YOU as the cheated on one must be able to decide what you and she must do now.
So you decide whether you are going to stay or divorce. If you want to stay then YOU give her a list of conditions that she must fulfill in order to stay. If you decide to end the marriage, tell her and get legal advise. 
It's not about her forgiving herself, it's about whether you want to forgive her and whether you want to stay married to a cheater.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hugo41 said:


> I think someone has called it a show. It does feel like that, although it's is more like modern days murder trial, where it is all about the criminal - did he or auffer any child abuse, is there any doubt or mitigating circumstances, what is the best way to rehabilitate into society, if criminal's rights violated in any way. The victim is just an exhibit, the reason for these nice people being in the room and enjoying the debate.
> 
> In the murder trial though the victim doesn't get to watch the show, probably a good thing.


Here you find people like me unashamedly hold the feet of the adulterous to the blow-torch.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

It is not like she is telling me what to do. It is that everyone who know and care to think about it have an expectation of I have to do.

And oh yes the mandatory part, it was one episode of ***** and weeks of online affair before that.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hugo41 said:


> It is not like she is telling me what to do. It is that everyone who know and care to think about it have an expectation of I have to do.
> 
> And oh yes the mandatory part, it was one episode of ***** and weeks of online affair before that.


In my book that's more than enough to divorce her.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

Oh yes, the divorce, another item in the hamper.
Why didn't she just run away with the ****boy and be done?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hugo41 said:


> It is not like she is telling me what to do. It is that everyone who know and care to think about it have an expectation of I have to do.
> 
> And oh yes the mandatory part, it was one episode of ***** and weeks of online affair before that.


Ok, so ignoring everyone else, what do YOU want to do?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hugo41 said:


> Oh yes, the divorce, another item in the hamper.
> Why didn't she just run away with the ****boy and be done?


He didn’t want her he just wanted the sex. When she started getting clingy he dumped her. 
Now you get the leftovers. Isn’t that great?


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Ok, so ignoring everyone else, what do YOU want to do?



That's an interesting question no one cared to ask before. I mean I want many things right now but not strategically if it makes any sense.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> He didn’t want her he just wanted the sex. When she started getting clingy he dumped her.
> Now you get the leftovers. Isn’t that great?


Technically he bailed put when I found who he is, but yes I'm left with leftovers. It is great, for a masochist


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Hugo41 said:


> Oh yes, the divorce, another item in the hamper.
> Why didn't she just run away with the ****boy and be done?


Why would she?
She can have her fun with another man and still keep you around for comfort, security and a back up plan.

She calculated that you’re the kind of man who would tolerate being cheated on and betrayed and would still stick around. She didn’t believe that you would have the strength or integrity as a man to do anything serious about it.
And so far you’re proving her right.

let us know when you’re done just venting, and when you’re ready to stand up and DO something to improve your situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hugo41 said:


> Technically he bailed put when I found who he is, but yes I'm left with leftovers. It is great, for a masochist


Its your choice whether to stay or end the marriage. Many would end it.
Do you have children?


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Why would she?
> She can have her fun with another man and still keep you around for comfort, security and a back up plan.
> 
> She calculated that you’re the kind of man who would tolerate being cheated on and betrayed and would still stick around. She didn’t believe that you would have the strength or integrity as a man to do anything serious about it.
> ...


I've made it as clear as I could that I came here to vent. If that is not allowed here and I owe you a progress report do let me know. I'll either provide one so you don't have to jump to conclusions on what am I doing or not doing apart from letting some steam out or just move on.



Diana7 said:


> Its your choice whether to stay or end the marriage. Many would end it.
> Do you have children?


Yes, yes and yes


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hugo41 said:


> I've made it as clear as I could that I came here to vent. If that is not allowed here and I owe you a progress report do let me know. I'll either provide one so you don't have to jump to conclusions on what am I doing or not doing apart from letting some steam out or just move on.
> 
> 
> Yes, yes and yes


I think you’ll find TAM is a good sounding board. Take what you need. Leave the est.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

"Ending marriage" introduces an enormous amount of issues and problems I've never even thought about. I wonder if those who decided to stay after being cheated on did so not because of some all conquering love (yes it looks like mine is not that strong and all forgiving) but just to avoid dealing with all that *****.
So this is another problem I must be fixing now.
Can I please rewind about two months back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hugo41 said:


> "Ending marriage" introduces an enormous amount of issues and problems I've never even thought about. I wonder if those who decided to stay after being cheated on did so not because of some all conquering love (yes it looks like mine is not that strong and all forgiving) but just to avoid dealing with all that *****.
> So this is another problem I must be fixing now.
> Can I please rewind about two months back.


You need to decide what YOU want to do and ignore everyone else. Dont just stay out of apathy though.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How did you find out? Did you stumble upon it? Did she confess? Was she exposed by someone? How was she with you on the lead up to her rendezvous? Did she become really cold and nasty? Did she stop having sex with you? 

Why did OM dump her? Because he knows that you know? If so, don’t think for a second that he was looking to steal your wife. No, this guy wanted to enjoy the sex. Having a free prostitute that all you have to do is blow her head up with compliments interspersed with some jokes and she’s willing to offer up her body is a great deal.

Now you have to determine if you can forgive her. A sexting EA that culminated into a one time sexathon is not the worst affair we have had and BHS have forgiven and R from much worse. How has she been since discovery day? Is she doing the whoe is me, I’m a victim game? Or is she looking all sad because she’s pining away for lover boy? I hope she’s been on hands and knees crying with snot running down her face in begging for forgiveness, but I suspect that’s not the case. No, it is usually only WHs who do that. 
vent away but when you’re ready for a plan of action, TAM will be here.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You need to decide what YOU want to do and ignore everyone else. Dont just stay out of apathy though.


You know what, I think you know a thing or two about this infidelity situation. You write this simple sentences that initially seem trivial if not useless, then they are strated to sink in. Don't take as offence as no offence intended. 

My apathy period ended few weeks ago. What do I want? If I could afford some wild wishful fantasy I'd say I want to understand why she did what she did especially as she "never wanted to lose you and our family" end of quote and if I has a chance to prevent or fix.

Since I have to stick to the reality, I want to invent a time machine.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hugo41 said:


> I want to understand why she did what she did especially as she "never wanted to lose you and our family" end of quote and if I has a chance to prevent or fix.


The answer is both simple and heart-wrenching. She did it because she wanted to and has so little respect and love for you that she didn't care what it would do to you.

It really is just that simple.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most cheat because they wanted to and never thought they’d get caught. They also probably never thought about any consequences.


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

jsmart said:


> How did you find out? Did you stumble upon it? Did she confess? Was she exposed by someone? How was she with you on the lead up to her rendezvous? Did she become really cold and nasty? Did she stop having sex with you?


Mate, not that I don't appreciate your post, it is just too many questions for Saturday midnight in a **** serviced apartment. Answering just a few.
I almost walked on them after realising she was lying about her whereabouts. She has become somewhat distant, this plus dozens of other small symptoms culminated in my trust turning into suspicionand paranoia, only I wasn't paranoid. No, since discovery I have stopped all sex, all physical contact, anything of that nature myself. She's not cold and nasty, all tears and remorse now.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hugo41 said:


> She's not cold and nasty, all tears and remorse now.


Regret or remorse? I would wager regret that she got caught and can no longer have her lover for passion and her husband (you) to pay the bills.

If it were remorse, she'd have been on her hands and knees crawling through broken glass to try to fix this and her tears would have been for the pain she caused you, not for her own shame and the loss of the other man.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hugo41 said:


> Mate, not that I don't appreciate your post, it is just too many questions for Saturday midnight in a **** serviced apartment. Answering just a few.
> I almost walked on them after realising she was lying about her whereabouts. She has become somewhat distant, this plus dozens of other small symptoms culminated in my trust turning into suspicionand paranoia, only I wasn't paranoid. No, since discovery I have stopped all sex, all physical contact, anything of that nature myself. She's not cold and nasty, all tears and remorse now.


Sorry but she’s probably just sorry she got caught. That’s not necessary remorse. If her boyfriend is married you should inform his wife. An important first step. Don’t make the mistake of helping hide their affair.

Just because you found out doesn’t mean they’ll stop.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hugo41 said:


> No, since discovery I have stopped all sex, all physical contact, anything of that nature myself.


Sounds to me that you can benefit from searching for a detachment technique called the 180 and implementing it in order to establish emotional distance and perspective.

The 180

The link above may be useful.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Hugo41 said:


> Mate, not that I don't appreciate your post, it is just too many questions for Saturday midnight in a **** serviced apartment. Answering just a few.
> I almost walked on them after realising she was lying about her whereabouts. She has become somewhat distant, this plus dozens of other small symptoms culminated in my trust turning into suspicionand paranoia, only I wasn't paranoid. No, since discovery I have stopped all sex, all physical contact, anything of that nature myself. She's not cold and nasty, all tears and remorse now.


I get it if it’s all too new and raw. But those are questions that will help others give targeted advise. Those questions can also cause you to think on a questions to ask her.

It’s rare that a WW is remorseful this quickly. It is more likely that she’s regretful. Regretting your actions is usually about self pity. She regrets that she got caught and may even regret having the affair for what it has wrought in her life. Remorse is when she feels bad about hurting you. Very doubt that she’s there because it is very likely that she has detached from you.

Most women are emotionally not able to have sex with more than one man. For her to get to the point that she could give herself to another man means that she had to emotionally detach from you as her lover. Which is why you probably saw her pulling away from you. It is normal for a WW to start arguments over very petty things. They’re making you the bad guy to justify their betrayal. Im sure if you were to read her communication with OM, you’ll probably read a lot of complaining about you and of course OM fanning the flames to reel her in. 

You caught her because your gut was telling you she was up to something. If you ask her if she loves you, I’m sure she’ll tell you some form of I love you but I’m not in love with you.

You need to find out if OM is married or has a live in girlfriend. If so, without letting your wife know, expose all the details to her. If you’re WW gets mad at you, then you know they’re still in contact. We’ve had so MANY threads where BHs report that their WWs became very protective of their OM’s marriage. These WWs blew up their own marriage but wanted to protect their OM’s marriage and family. These WWs actually lashed out at their husbands for “ ruining “ their marriage ; as though it was the BHs exposure and not the WW’s adultery that caused the damage.

Do you have access to all of her communications? Her text, social media, email, etc on all of her devices. If not insist on getting access to everything. Do a restore to get anything she may deleted. Also be sure she doesn’t have a burner phone. You can also get a VAR from Best Buy. Strap it to the bottom of the passenger seat. This can help you get more info like is she still secretly in contact with OM or more likely is she confiding in some friend . A great way to get more details and also to get into her true mindset. Is she telling a friend, I F’d up. I don’t know what to do or is she talking about how good OM was and how she misses him. ?


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## Hugo41 (Dec 15, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Most women are emotionally not able to have sex with more than one man.


Yet somehow she managed. Wonderwoman? In any case I'd be happy with average Jane in this department. 



> Im sure if you were to read her communication with OM, you’ll probably read a lot of complaining about you and of course OM fanning the flames to reel her in.


I did have a questionable pleasure to, and surprisingly there were no mentioning of yours truly at all. Nada. Zero. Like I've not existed. That was of course before the true lies day.



> You need to find out if OM is married or has a live in girlfriend...
> Do you have access to all of her communications? Her text, social media, email, etc on all of her devices. If not insist on getting access to everything.


That is exactly why I'm trying to avoid and that is why I'm pissed off approx 25% more than I should have been. I refuse to accept that fixing all this mess is my problem because I've not done anything that could cause this. This is costing me this marriage?, ok, so be it.


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