# Seperation confusion.



## mruk (Jun 16, 2018)

my wife and i have separated, we had issues with before we went into this relationship, i had anger and anxiety issues and she had relationship issues from the past, boyfriends and bullying at school, her mum made her leave the house when she was 18 to "fend for herself".

Our marriage has always had its ups and downs, like all marriages do. I would get irritated by the things she would say and her sulking if i didn't do what she wanted. When we first go together I had been in 2 terrible relationships and wanted to be a fresh new man, unfortunately I thought I could manage these things myself, I had been going through alcoholism and quit smoking by myself before without help so i thought i could just "forget" my problems and move on.

We very quickly moved in together, got engaged, seemed to share the same life goals, wanted children, house, cars you know the normal family type stuff, we were both ready and it all started to go as planned.

Everyone said it was too fast but we both felt right together doing what we wanted, I moved into her flat after a couple of months, got engaged 6 months later, married 9 months later, had our first child 9 months after that. Our first child was 18 months old when our second was born.

I never felt like a good enough father or husband, she worked in childcare and to a point followed her about how to raise the children, still had my own input to bring which she listened to. I didn't adjust very well though, my "spare" time was now gone and i would do a lot of work to support our new life together, I would then have to spread myself between work and home and family, don't we all?

She would tell me that I need to work less, spend more time with the family, I knew what she was saying but I would respond with we need to pay the bills, clearly not what she wanted to hear. This would however completely change if I did something for her side of the family then it was fine, that confused me.

2 years down the line and I am feeling so burnt out that I can't keep my anger under control like I once could, she would tell me i need to get help but I just buried my head, thinking it would be fine once we were debt free. 

We had to borrow some money from a relation because I overspent that month and she was not happy, she wanted to take over running the finances and asked her mum to help, they decided to take my bank card and I needed to listen so we could get on track. I said to my wife that I was happy to let her do the money but didn't think we need her mum involved with it.

This went on for a month and I was fine most of the week until the day her mum would come round and my wife would totally change, One day I came home and she and I had a much bigger argument than usual about how much I felt like she had pushed me to the side. A paranoid part of me thought at this point she was running finances so she could know what was going on to leave me but I didn't want to say anything as I didn't want this to be true.

Then she said if I don't get help she's leaving, packed a bag and said she was taking the children. I convinced her to stay, went to the doctors the next day to explain. He said to try yoga and meditation, something I was not happy with and told my wife it felt like as waste of time.

Another week went by and on the day her mother came round again the same thing happened she was questioning me about money and i snapped again, she at this point she was done, her mum came round and told me I need to leave and give her the keys and they would be in touch. I went to the doctors the next day to explain how serious things had become he put me on anti depressants, at this point I felt it was too late.

I seriously would want to work things out with my wife, I have now started CBT, counselling and acupuncture to get myself right for me. She's telling me were done and we can amicable and "friends" for the children. I asked her about divorce and she wasn't bothered, maybe in time if we find new people…wasn't happy with that answer.

I have been doing a lot of research into her behaviour about this and she's been very cold about the breakup to my face but our dynamic has changed and we talk and are getting on much better than before, even flirting a bit. She still tells me that she doesn't want me to get false hope so I'm just trying to move on and not think about getting her back.

Please be blunt with me, I don't want to be stuck in limbo. This has been going on a month so I know its early days but I would like other peoples opinions please.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ok I will be blunt. So get ready. 

First off, this is not all your fault, but a lot of it is. I am guessing that you are less than 25, have not gone to college or trade school. You woke up one day and you are busting your butt raising 2 kids with a wife that is just as immature as you are. 

What is going on is you are both kids, and you both have made all the mistakes that kids make when they really are just too young and inexperienced to really understand what you guys are doing. 

I am also guessing that you may not have had a father that was a good role model and actually showed you how to grow into a responsible young man. 

So I am just going to present this as a list of what you and her have done wrong. 

1) Neither of you understands how to manage your money. Further it was something that you two should have tried to learn about together. You can read and right, so I know that you can add and subtract. 

You two guys could have worked and learned about budgeting and worked as a team like adults should. You both need to understand your budget and what you have and don't have. 

2) Never, ever, ever, ever allow any of your in laws to get involved in your marriage. You should have never allowed that and neither should your wife. This is a huge mistake. Parents should never be involved in your marriage at that level. 

3) The anger, yeah dummy, it is a problem. Yeah the doc was stupid to start with by not putting you on an AD in the first place. You were stupid to think that this is how normal people deal with issues, because it is not. 

You more than likely have some emotional issues from your child hood that you never dealt with. Further you never were taught how to cope with stress which is something that everyone has to learn. 

Further, you thought your were man enough to bull you way through it, your not, you are a kid.

4) You are probably working a low paying hourly job. So the only way you can make more money is to work more hours, which causes more stress, you are tired, and long term you can't continue to work that many hours, and you just will never make enough money that way. 

If you want to make more money, you have to get a specialized trade or go to school and get educated and find a way to make a living smarter and not just work harder.

5) What made you think that when you got marred and had children you would get to keep your free time? I will tell you, childish immaturity. Dude when you have kids, your whole life REVOLVES around the children, how do you think that they get raised until adulthood. You and your wife do that, that is what having kids is all about. 

That is not to say, you and your wife can't get a baby sitter and spend some time alone, which unfortunately also leads to more kids if you are not careful, but a couple needs that time together to keep their relationship strong. And you can take day every month or so, and hang with the guys but that does not get to happen all the time when you are married with kids. 

End of list....

So now, what to dol. Well if your wife is done, she may be done. She is tired of the fighting and anger. She is tired of being broke and you working all the time. 

Now, I have not even listed all of the things your wife has done wrong, but you get the general idea. 

As far as putting this back together, I may be too late. If it is possible, you don't need to chase your wife, you need to let her see you grow and learn to become a grown responsible man. 

That is really all you can do and it may not work, but at the very least you need to learn how to be a healthy responsible man for your kids and your next relationship...


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## mruk (Jun 16, 2018)

Thank-you for your reply, I appreciate your honesty.

I am 29 so pretty close, I do have a decent education but I am not in a well paid job, UK money £20000 per year.

My dad was out working away all week when I was little, until i was about 5 I hardly saw him. My wife had her mother divorce twice before she was 10 so we both had a fair amount going on when we were young, neither of us acknowledged these issues which I know was wrong and stupid. Through therapy now I understand that a lot of my problems stemmed from childhood and I don't want to transfer those to my children. 

1) Before we met she did have a flat but was always right on the edge of money and I had no idea to be honest as I'd moved in with her. It was a wake up call for me. I'm moving into my own place and going through my spending issues to keep within a budget now.

2) I didn't want her mum involved, it made me really uncomfortable, i wanted to work through the things together, I didn't ask my parents for any help because i just wanted us to figure it out.

3) You're right, that's how I saw my dad and other people dealing with things so I thought that's what was right because I saw them "make up" afterwards so that's where my behaviour came from.

4) I trained to be a mechanic which was fine, the garage closed in the recession and I found a delivery job, never went back to vehicles, but here i actually get paid more to do my current job funnily enough although hours aren't great.

5) I was aware that I would lose a lot of time, never truly believed it though, like you say I didn't value what I was doing in bringing a child into this world. I am not saying i regret my children as i wouldn't change them and love spending time with them more than my hobbies.

In the early days we did have grandparents look after the children regularly so we could go on date nights and things but with time and lack of money we didn't do the things we used to together and never looked into anything else, going for walks or even just talking which i really regret.

Thank- you for your list of things at the end. As i say i am going through different therapies now, trying to get myself on track and be there for the children when they need me, child support etc. I am in the process of getting my own place and moving on with what life will bring me, I know actions speak louder than words. My head is a lot clearer now and I have calmed down from being in a high state of arousal constantly to being more reasonable with my decisions and not making knee jerk comments.

I don't suppose you could list the things about my wife so i can better understand the situation?

I am trying really hard not to chase her and simply be everything about the children, her behaviour is confusing to me because initially she didn't want anything to do with me and 2 weeks later we're talking and sharing jokes like when we got together like the last 6 years have disappeared besides the children? Hope that makes sense. 

if anyone else has any thoughts/advice please just say them


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Mruk You said "...she had relationship issues from the past, boyfriends and bullying at school, her mum made her leave the house when she was 18 to "fend for herself". And " My wife had her mother divorce twice before she was 10..." and also asked "I don't suppose you could list the things about my wife so i can better understand the situation?"

I don't believe it is possible for your wife not to have "Abandonment Crisis Issues" also often written about as "Abandonment PTSD" You might want to research some of those key word and see if it fits her behavior. If it does that may lead to a better understanding of her, maybe even how to deal with it if you want to.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

mruk said:


> Thank-you for your reply, I appreciate your honesty.
> 
> I am 29 so pretty close, I do have a decent education but I am not in a well paid job, UK money £20000 per year.
> 
> ...


I think this is a good response. It seems like you are making the changes that you should be. All that is good. 

Like the last poster said, she probably has issues from her childhood. It is hard to really be sure with what you have posted. Her and her mom are codependent with each other that is for sure. Google codependency so you can understand it more. 

With her mom in and out of relationships like that you know that some of her issues are from that. It is almost sure that mom did not model a lot of positive behaviors for her, so there is that.

You know if it is over, fine, may be for the best. But if it was ever to have a chance, then you just have to be the best you that you can be. Get in shape physically, mentally and spiritually and move on with life. 

But I REALLY want to caution you about one thing. You are from the UK and the thought process is different than the states. But think about this: 

You don't sit around and see what YOUR LIFE will bring you, no, that is the wrong way to look at it. You are not a passive participant in your life. 

What you need to be thinking is, "I am going to be the best me I can be, and I am going to MAKE something great out of my life."

See the difference??????


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## mruk (Jun 16, 2018)

Sorry I should have explained that further. I meant what could I do to understand her more and work towards possibly listening to hear with her problems should the situation arise. I found some of these things out through her family members after we got married as I didn't want to push her to talk about things. Totally the wrong way round to do things I know now.

Im going through my process of moving forward with my life for the better and for my children, things that are said to me may hurt me but its the truth and I need to face it no matter how hard it is. Do you think it would be realistic to work things through with her despite she's saying she's done right now? Ive heard things about "get your wife back" and "give her time to heal". I would love to build a new relationship with her going forward but don't want to backslide.

My wife has always been to her older sister and her mum for any problems we've had no matter how small so now in this current situation I feel they're just going to tell her what she wants to hear, not the truth. I know I cant change what someone else is doing, only work on myself, move ahead and see if she comes around.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

mruk said:


> Sorry I should have explained that further. I meant what could I do to understand her more and work towards possibly listening to hear with her problems should the situation arise. I found some of these things out through her family members after we got married as I didn't want to push her to talk about things. Totally the wrong way round to do things I know now.
> 
> Im going through my process of moving forward with my life for the better and for my children, things that are said to me may hurt me but its the truth and I need to face it no matter how hard it is. Do you think it would be realistic to work things through with her despite she's saying she's done right now? Ive heard things about "get your wife back" and "give her time to heal". I would love to build a new relationship with her going forward but don't want to backslide.
> 
> My wife has always been to her older sister and her mum for any problems we've had no matter how small so now in this current situation I feel they're just going to tell her what she wants to hear, not the truth. I know I cant change what someone else is doing, only work on myself, move ahead and see if she comes around.


First, if that ever happens, it will take a long time. Who knows how long. Now, yeah, you had issues but she is not clean in this either. When you bring in your in-laws into a marriage, nothing but bad things happen. They will only see her side, and look down on you. Further, they, esp mom, will say if you are not happy, then leave. 

So if she says she is done, then let her be done. You have to continue to work on yourself, for you and your kids. What she chooses to do is out of your control. 

But I can tell you this for sure, if you chase her and don't give her space, there will be no chance ever of you guys getting back together, none. 

In general, when a woman says that she is done, usually they are done. Women seem to reach a point where they have had enough and you can usually never get back those feelings again. 

All you can do is better yourself, be a great dad, and don't wait around for her. If, though your journey you meet someone, and wife has not come back to you, well then you do what you have to do. Just don't go looking for that yet. 

Basically, if anything happens with your wife, she has to choose to come back to you, you actively trying to get her back is a waste of time...


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## mruk (Jun 16, 2018)

I have seen lots of places saying that going no contact except for child communication. How on earth do you manage to initialize this? I know i need to use balls but it makes me quite anxious thinking about saying to her that "i'm going to move on with my life and when/if you're ready to talk let me know."

I say this because through mine and her faults i've always thought marriage was through good and bad etc. Should i even bother to put in the effort in the marriage or just tell her i'm done even though i'm not? Again I've heard one person can change for the better and the other person sees this and changes themselves...probably 1 in 100 rose tinted glasses style i guess.

I am already back to enjoying my music and moving my recordings forward etc. I'm finding it very hard at the moment living with my parents to get away from the whole situation and just keep my mind clear.

Thanks to everyone for your help so far.


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## mruk (Jun 16, 2018)

I've just been thinking a bit more since the replies, i'm probably living in cloud 9 but why would she not just serve me with divorce papers? If we were truly done surely that would make sense to do? Her mum has been financially supporting her currently to make up the shortfall that she can't pay on the bills etc until her benefits come too.

She asked me last night while I was packing up some stuff how my therapy was going, I told her what I was doing and left it at that. She said she was proud of me. I then went upstairs to start packing more stuff and she was sitting on the bed talking to me, playing with her hair and generally being flirty about a few things. I didn't reciprocate although I wanted to do much more...

What can I make of this? Is this all just a big test of my patience/becoming a man in her eyes etc?


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