# Thought I cud do it.



## shotta (Jan 10, 2011)

*Thought I cud do it*

Been married for over a year now with a lot of ups and downs. We had a major problem before where my wife was bringing down my household and the way we live etc... (we do live as a joint fam. and that is what it is in our culture). So i felt like i was not worthy enough, that I cud not step up to the plate and be there for her or cared to as she pulled me down. I felt lost and just wanted to be appreciated. My ex was there to console and was understanding and her love for me was still there. I ended up being intimate and feeling for my ex and not at home. me and my wife then took a break and decided to start fresh and to not be that way with each other. My ex devastated but understood yet i wanted to hold on... selfish on my part i know. Eventually she left the scene and family interevend and i decided to give my marriage another shot and tried my best to put the past behind.

as we started new, thngs were going well, but still in the back of our minds she didnt trust and i wasnt feeling the chemistry. so as time went by, we took trips every weekend and met up with friends etc... to jus refresh and feel different about each other. But while on these trips and around friends everything seemed rosy, what was really happening was that in conversations with my wife after a night on the town, she would compare me to others. she would want me to be like others. I really tried to ignore what she was saying but felt that maybe she is this way. its not with bad intent. She also, put me down by telling me I dont want better for my life and that i jus choose to be a leech on friends and family and then my emotional response all gone. dont wanna put myself anywhere close or even be intimate. So she throws tantrums, gets angry and tells me that she is done with this and she wants a divorce, and that she will find someone to love her and they will havekids n then when she is happy that she will laugh at me and that i will not find anyone as good as her.
As a man, I feel unworthy, and I feel I cnt do it for her. I will never measure up to it. And I dont feel anything positive. Ive become bitter and miserable and feel there is nothing left. Am I wrong to feel this way. Its not about forgiveness. I jus dont feel I wanna be feeling like im walking on egg shells everday and carrying this weight on my shoulders. I didnt get in this to feel this way. Family is tellin me to give it a try. I did and I would jus be dragging it cuz I dont feel I can do it for her. although she says she will change etc... Nothing changed the 1st time...Pls give me your views. I dont wanna go out there and find someone while being here. I jus wanna end it in an understanding way that I cant cut it. I dont feel like a man who whats to be here and feel unworthy.


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## shotta (Jan 10, 2011)

*Re: Thought I cud do it*

Let me add to say that she has involved my family and hers about our issues and i feel that is a violation of our marriage. She tries to win them over me and i jus feel like its a competition. she comes from a society that is totally different and she is so judgmental, and puts others down and their cultures etc... I am so not that way. Seen a different side after getting married and the commanding and controlling person. Now ive had enough and hv made up my mind. Jus trying to get some views... thanx

p.s. we are both of the same culture.. Hindu.
We operate the family business. and its joint meaning jus us and my parents as im an only child. we living in a bungalow. We are financially stable. 

Lets add to it that she is very materialistic as well and has been given all the luxuries.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Please expand on this culture clash.

What cultures are you each from?

Also, are you employed and aiding in support of this "Joint family"?
How large is this joint family?
Who does this family consist of?
What are your living conditions, size Of home, amount of space?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shotta (Jan 10, 2011)

we are both of the same culture.. Hindu.
We operate the family business. and its joint meaning jus us and my parents as im an only child. we living in a bungalow. We are financially stable. 

Lets add to it that she is very materialistic as well and has been given all the luxuries.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Shotta, the behavior your describe -- temper tantrums, very controlling, inappropriate anger, distrustful, blaming you for every misfortune, and verbal abuse (putting you down frequently) -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. I am struck by your comment that you feel you are always "walking on eggshells everyday" to avoid triggering your W's temper tantrums. This comment may be significant because the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to nonBPD spouses like you) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ 

Shotta, several cautions are in order. First, _every adult_ occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if they are healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are so strong as to interfere with the person's ability to form and maintain LTRs with loved ones. At issue, then, is whether your W has most of those traits at a moderate to strong level, which would interfere with your marriage. 

Second, only professionals can determine whether the traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. This does not imply, however, that you cannot recognize the red flags, i.e., strong occurrences of the traits, in a woman you are living with. There is nothing subtle about temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and controlling behavior.

Third, it is far from clear what part of your W's anger and distrustfulness is a problem she has had for many years and what part is the natural result of her discovering you had an affair during the first year of your marriage. Significantly, if these traits have surfaced only in the past year, she CANNOT have a strong pattern of BPD traits. Such traits do not lie hidden for years and then suddenly surface. 

Instead, what happens is that the emotional core damage is done in early childhood and the traits typically start appearing in the mid-teens when the person is trying to establish LTRs outside the family. The only time that the traits seem to disappear is during the 3 to 6 month courtship period, at which time her infatuation convinces her that you are a nearly perfect man -- thereby holding at bay her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. As soon as the infatuation evaporates, the fears return and you will be walking on eggshells from then on to avoid triggering those two fears.

If you are not dissuaded by my three cautions above, I suggest that you read my description of typical BPD traits in Berilo's thread to see if most of them seem applicable to your W. My several posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29373-distressed-3.html#post391827. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss these traits with you further and to refer you to good online resources. Take care, Shotta.


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## shotta (Jan 10, 2011)

Iunderstand what your saying uptown. Ill also add that my W is very fond of meeting and mixing with ppl and i amthe opposite. Sheis inquisitive about ppls lifestyle etc, and compares all the time or judges. I know a lot of ppl like that and they are just aquaintances to me as i dont entertain that, but never sawmy wife as that. She comes from a society that is like that, but never came off like that. Honestly, tere is an energy that is around that I am jus not comfortable with. Hence me not being able to respoind as wel. I go to bed with this person, but something doesnt feel right. Idontwanna stay here andcannot committ to it. I dont wanna hurt her or feel this way. I jus dont think I have it in me anymore. I really would be lying. ANd i am not an animal or a monster to feel this way when I cant respond. I dont feel like myself. I feel Im losing myself. Im not trying to understand...Im trying to let go and not hurt each other.... Thanx uptown...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

shotta said:


> Im not trying to understand...Im trying to let go.


Letting go and moving on is the best thing. If you are able to do that, then by all means proceed with that. Given your decision to leave her, understanding her behavior becomes important only if -- like I was -- you are a caregiver who is trapped in the toxic marriage by an overpowering sense of guilt and obligation. In that case, understanding her behavior could cut you loose from that guilt and feeling that you are obligated somehow to remain there taking care of her.


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