# How Long Does It Take To Disconnect?



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I know that there probably isn’t a general answer, there are probably so many variables such as length of marriage or if you were the one that sought the D or not. 

I was just hoping to get an idea if it takes most people years, months?

I sought the D, but I have so many good memories as well as the bad and after 35 years with the same person it’s hard to just let them go. I wonder sometimes if I haven’t accepted the fact that the relationship is over. After all I didn’t want a D, I needed one for the sake of my sanity and integrity. I can relate to myself over and over again all the bad (and if anyone on here knows my story you know it was pretty bad!) but it doesn’t help me disconnect, he is still such a part of me and it hurts that he’s with another woman making new memories when I still have all the old ones inside my head.. I can be going along having an ok day then bam! And it hurts, its been been a year ago yesterday I found out about the new affair so I dont want this connection any more.. Another year out of my life, I want to move on emotionally as well as physically..

In a dark place today… sorry…


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

There are degrees of disconnection. You will always have the memories so there will always be some level of connection. The key is to get to the point where those memories are just that - a memory.

Start creating new ones. Build on them and soon they will push out a lot of the old ones. 

This weekend was one year since my STBXW told me she wanted a divorce. I've been in some deep and dark places. Now I'm having a great time with my kids as well as new and old friends. 

Focus on your happiness - take it one day at a time. You'll be great.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Longer than you'd like...

Longer than you might expect...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How Long Does It Take To Disconnect?

Forever plus one day.

Just kidding. (But I love giving that answer to "how long does it take to..." questions).

TIME and NO CONTACT (or minimal contact) are the only ways. It always hurts more and takes longer to disconnect for the person who did not want it. Fact. 
But... time is on your side. Promise. No time doesn't erase alll the hurts but it makes them subside.

One day at a time. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep it moving. Every single day. One day it will hurt less. One month later, it will hurt less, one year later, even less and so on and so on.

Time is your friend.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

depends even ever relationship is different... my marriage took 2-3 months after he walked out, and we had regular contact cause of a child, we had been togther 14 yrs. most recent exbf togther a year, 2 months post breakup and im still hurting like hell, sporadic contact.

so it just depends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It took a long time for me, and since we have nearly daily contact due to our son, it's not a true disconnect as much as a mental and emotional one. Time does help. Plus for me, it helped to realize that the man I'm dealing with now is very different from the one I loved, married, and planned to spend my life with (setting aside the whole red flag thing for the moment, lol). If I saw this version of him, knowing what he is capable of, I wouldn't have married him. That other guy is gone, therefore the relationship is gone. There's no point in doing anything but mourning him and our relationship as if he was dead. When I see glimpses of the 'old him', it's similar to seeing, for example, an uncle doing something just like your dead grandpa used to do. It still hurts, and it makes you miss them, but in a different way.
I agree with Ceegee - try to make new memories so that ones with him aren't the first thing you think of. You're right -- you were together a long time. It's gonna take a while, no matter what.
Sorry you're having an extra hard time lately. ((hugs))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Yes the amount of contact you have is a key factor. 

Emotionally I had disconnected way before most people (about a month or two) but I've always had the ability to emotionally detach from situations and start to rationalise - it's a bit of a defense mechanism but it's come in pretty handy over the years

Because I barely see him (I haven't even heard his voice in well over six months) and have no text/email contact it's been very easy for me. 

People might be surprised by this but sometimes it feels like I was never married. Obviously that's not all the time and I still have the need to talk about things sometimes but it's fairly dispassionate. In general terms I've moved on completely (18 months down the line). The thought of never seeing his face again doesn't bother me in the slightest


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I thought it would take me years, but I was over it for the most part after about 2 months.

I don't think that's necessarily normal but I can tell you a few things I did that I KNOW helped me move faster.

1. I never EVER took shortcuts with my emotions. I didn't run to drugs or alcohol or prescriptions. When I was sad, I let myself feel sad. When I was angry, upset, depressed, etc, I accepted it and did my best to understand why I was feeling that way.

2. I got a life. Meaning, I picked activities that looked like I'd enjoy, and did them. Very awkward at first, having to make new friends and a new life, but it got really rewarding really fast. I met a great new friend after offering to help someone learn chess, and got introduced to some amazing activities that I never would have experienced in my marriage.

It kickstarted me on a journey of re-experiencing life, and life has been awesome ever since. The only time I ever even think about my marriage is when I see couples at the store with their kids, because I always wanted my kids to have two parents together.

Everyone's story is different, but honestly I think the above advice is good for everyone in all situations. Let your emotions be your guide, and work towards creating a new life filled with excitement.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments! 

It just reinforces some things that I’ve been thinking about lately. Mostly the "less-contact".

In my D settlement I agreed to live in the house until "he" put it on the market, as he wanted to do some necessary repairs first. He couldn’t afford to pay mortgage, taxes, electric ect and pay me the agreed amount for my maintenance. We compromised with me living in the house until it sells and his paying the expenses. 

What that did however is still leave me there with him having access. He's much better now at not coming over at all times but still way to much contact. I’m not getting as many emails or text but still a a couple a week.
The house is still not on the market because he says he has to come up with the $ to do the necessary repairs. I’m considering just saying that I’m going to be moving out so he will have to figure something out or go back to court. On the other hand my very low budget is already stretched so I can’t move out without the maintenance and even then I know it’s going to be a struggle. Also I have to find someplace that takes my two small dogs. I know that won’t be a problem but the idea of taking away their fenced in back yard bothers me. 

Also living in the same town as him & the OW is hard. He can be at the house doing something and then latter I will go out and have people telling me where they just saw "them" together. I have yet to see them together but I know if I stay around it could happen any moment. 
Angelpixie: you are exactly right with seeing that “glimmer” of the man I thought I had married and needing to come up with a defense mechanism against that. Those are the moments that are hardest, is when he’s kind and seemingly caring.

Thank you all again!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm. It sort of depends where you start. I started about three years prior to leaving the marriage. Gradually detaching, trying to save it but wondering what was worth saving. I held firm to my decision once I made it - no running back to him. When I was gone, that was it. After I left I didn't date but spent more time with friends. I met my first 'boyfriend' out playing darts about 4 months later and I cleaved to him a bit too soon. Not specifically sex but I expected too much and got too emotionally involved too soon. 

After I realized we were NOT exclusive (and learned what couldn't be assumed haha - dating is different in the 2000s vs. 1980s!) I took a little 'me' time to get my head on straight. It was another year before I felt emotionally healthy. I met someone that I can look back on and feel good about with no regrets; I knew I had gotten to a good point back then because of my ability to set boundaries and know what I wanted. We are still friends, as I am with everyone I dated for any length of time (3), which feels nice to say, what with the relationship with my ex being so contentious. Reassuring that it wasn't me that was the problem! After that first guy I felt I made pretty good choices.

Sometimes I have the time and energy to devote to dating; other times not. I let myself have down time without the need for a man to occupy me. I finally did several things I had wanted to do when married but wouldn't have. I feel I'm in a very healthy place emotionally and have a lot to offer the right one when the time comes but I don't dwell on it. Sometimes I put effort into meeting people and other times I don't. It doesn't occupy my thoughts excessively.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I agree that the less contact one has, the more quickly the disconnect happens. that's why i can't understand why people want to vacation and be buddy-buddy after a divorce. It just makes it tougher to let go.


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