# Well, I gave it my all



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I’ve been away from this forum for a while now, just checking in occasionally, as I tried to make things work with my WW.

As some of you know my D-Day was May 2011. I took great comfort and support from the folks on this site and made the decision to reconcile, only for her to break NC in June. I kicked her out and she ended up in a psychiatric hospital. After that incident she committed to the marriage and things went well.

Until two days ago. I discovered that she’d been secretly texting the OM again and has been for about a week. Now, the POSOM is responding but he has told her he won’t go near her (This is because I once went to his house with verbal guns blazing and he had to hide behind his mum) and just wants to be friends. I, however, have started divorce proceedings.

I have talked calm and openly with my WW and we have both agreed that this is the best way forward. We are doing it slowly and amicably so that it doesn’t upset the children as much and have agreed to divorce terms (not much to sort out as we have little) on how we will proceed.

The strange thing is though, I feel relieved! It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my back. I don’t have to worry about what she’s doing, checking keyloggers or phone bills, where she’s at, who she’s with etc....I had serious doubts about whether I could stay in the relationship anyway with that kind of paranoia floating around me, and it feels so nice to have that weight lifted. 

I used to be scared about the future as a divorced man and I still am to a degree, but there’s also an excitement, a nervous energy that is starting to bubble out of me – I almost feel like a teenager again and that nothing can stop me.

The overwhelming feelings that took over me last May no longer envelop me, instead there is a sadness of an ending, but also an excitement of a new and unknown beginning.

I never thought I’d feel this free and in control, especially after last year, but it goes to show just how resilient the human mind can be.

Best wishes to all

N-B


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Awesome! I think you can drop the numb from your name.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How did she respond when you told her you were on to her? How did she respond to your intention to divorce her? 

Seems to me like she just gave up on R.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

She did get into a flap and tried to deny it - even though I was holding her phone with his number staring her straight in the face.
When I mentioned divorce though I think she felt a little disbelief at first, but we've spoken about it a length today and we have to agree that this is the best for both of us now. 
I don't think she so much gave up on R, but rather she knew deep down that her fantasy life wouldn't stand up to reality so stayed in the marriage for security whilst secretly rebuilding the fantasy back up in her head, and this was probably picked up by me subconsciously - hence the paranoia.
Anyway - it'll be interesting to watch how her fantasy holds out once this is done.
I know how it'll turn out.
You know how it'll turn out.
But she's got to experience it first hand.
He doesn't want to get involved with her, part of this is a fear of confrontation with me again. The other part is that he got what he wanted and is done.
She has part one in her head and probably thinks that if we divorce then they'll be together.
Just wait until part two comes into being.

Still, it's not my problem anymore.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If he rejects her do you think she will have another breakdown?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Man. I hope mine does not go that way. 

It goes to show how resilient you are.

Be strong and stay well my friend.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

I just want to say that stories like this are the reason I divorced my wife. You tried to make this work she didn't and I think it's right for you to move on. True remorse only comes from within and if your wife is so blasé about this then there's nothing you can do. 

I have followed your story since I joined this site and your wife has always struck me as someone who was willing to just coast along and not do the real work. Sorry to say I don't think she ever really had "true" remorse only remorse for getting caught. 

you think this will be the hard part but it really won't be the hard part will be when her fantasy comes crashing down and she wants to come running back to you her safe and secure "second choice" this is when you will need to be truly strong. Best of luck


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Possibly, but I hope not.
After all that's happened, I don't want her to suffer or have her fall into a big gaping hole and be swallowed by the earth. I have no time for bitterness or resentment, and I genuinely believe that I will be able to fully forgive her once we are apart.

I just hope that she can move on from this too.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

oldmittens said:


> Sorry to say I don't think she ever really had "true" remorse only remorse for getting caught.


You don't need to be sorry, I just needed to make sure that I did everything that 'I' could do to make it work. She was never sorry about what she did, she was only sorry that it didn't turn out how she wanted and she was 'exposed' to all for what she was.

I can walk away from this with my head held high and my conscience clean. I did all that I could.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Letting go of the bitterness and resentment is the best thing you can do for yourself it heals the mind body and soul. Being able to forgive her and working with her for what's best for the kids is what you should strive for now (that and getting the divorce done as soon as possible) Also making sure that when the affair does blow up in her face that she has people there for her so she can be the best possible mother for her children. The most important thing (not that I have to tell you this) is that this divorce has as little affect on your children as possible you can't avoid it but you can minimize it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Absolutely.
That's why there's no 'Throwing' out of the house.
We are processing this gently, organising our seperation without fighting and in a few weeks we will both be moving to a new place. Her closer to the university, me and the kids will stay local (family support and schools) and the kids will have access to her any time they want to and the same for her to them.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Absolutely.
> That's why there's no 'Throwing' out of the house.
> We are processing this gently, organising our seperation without fighting and in a few weeks we will both be moving to a new place. Her closer to the university, me and the kids will stay local (family support and schools) and the kids will have access to her any time they want to and the same for her to them.


You sound like you really know what you're doing. Making sure the kids are not in the middle is a mistake a lot of people do when going through a affair/divorce. As parents we have to put our own desires for repentance/justice in perspective and think of what's best for the kids and you have done that. You are handling this class and dignity and you should be proud of yourself.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

So that psychiatric hospital shtick was all hot air


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm so sorry it didn't work out, I thought you were going to be one of the successful R stories here. Sadly, it wasn't to be. Yes, you can move on without her. For her, the affair never really ended, and it was her plan all along to resume it after the dust has settled. 

That's why we trust but verify. Now you know what False R looks like and will be prepared for the future. Sending you strength, and know that I'm pulling for ya.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear it badger.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Sorry man.
My wife came back and wanted R. Turned out she couldn't do without the OM . She knows it is wrong for her and yet still continues whatever the cost.
When she finally gave up on R I burst out laughing. Tears of relief came and that huge weight of responsibility and care just vanished.
What made me laugh was that she said verbatim the things she had said almost a year earlier. Last time it destroyed my world, this time it freed me.
It came at a cost though, it put me back a few months but I made up ground again quickly. Don't give her too much head space. She has had enough.

There is still the sadness for the kids.

There is the sadness of the divorce now. Come over to the Divorced forum, we have a bit of a whinge there when the tirggers hit.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Thanks guys.
@Complexity: She has suffered from anxiety and depression for a lot of years now and I think the breakdown was not so much an effect for drama, but rather a sudden loss of self and direction which left her scared and confused. It is easy to think that things like this are done for effect, but she had no one – her family have nothing to do with her, the OM wanted nothing to do with her and I threw her out – and I think it was a sudden reality overload that caused her to cave in mentally.

@LordMayhem: You’re right in that the affair never really ended for her. What is strange is just how long they will wait for their fantasy, and stranger still, just how clever we are on a subconscious level in picking up these signals. Deep down I was aware of it and my gut was telling me she’s not in this for real, but I just needed to make sure that I held my end of the deal.

@Ing: I too felt relief and still do. I’ve had such clarity and confidence in this decision to start to separate and divorce. That she is thinking of him no longer hurts me. I can also see that as I start to walk free of the pain she caused that it is her I feel sorry for. She is tortured by a fantasy that will never happen, her thoughts and dreams on something that isn’t real, a gambler handing his house deeds to the cashier – hoping that the big win is only moments away. It is sad, but it is her choice.

Thanks to all

N-B


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I am glad for you, in that all this walking on eggshells, and misery, will finally go away---You can stop being a parole officer---and soon enuff---you will be involved in a great big enjoyable world out there

If your wife, is a good mother, than the 2 of you will hopefully do the best you can to make a good future for your kids

Just remember---the sun will come up tomorrow morning, and hopefully a fine future awaits you.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Badger

It sounds like you will be able to look back knowing that you tried your hardest.

I'm at the same point you are. My husband was the one who was unfaithful and we were unable to reconcile because of his lack of remorse and rug sweeping. If you cannot heal for whatever reason, then how can you move forwards as a couple? 

I finally told my WH that I want a divorce and there is no going back this time. He is moving out tomorrow, back to his mum's house. Our kids are very small so I'm hoping that they won't be too upset as I am just telling them at the moment that he is working away from home. Like yourself, I just want to keep things as peaceful as possible for their sakes.

I have mixed feelings. I feel relief and also excitement at a new life! But also sadness and I'm also a bit scared of looking after myself and the kids on my own. I will be alright though! You will be too.

Best wishes

Jen


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yet another case as to why verification through spying on a WS is essential and that transparency alone will not always work


Good luck to you Badger


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Good to know that you are at last getting out of it. With conscience clean, head held high!

How is it that you did not get to know about her renewed (or continuance of) affair with OM for 9 months? Lesson for those take to R.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

What a shame that she chose fantasy over reality. You're handling it well, though! Much luck to you.


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