# marriage advice



## laura_j

I registered to this forum, because I don't like bringing friends or family into my relationship; I might get over the situation in my marriage, but friends/family may not. Talking to strangers is so much easier!

As an introduction, I have been married 14 years and in a committed relationship for 18 years. We have two kids aged 12 and 10. We have never had any real serious problems until now. 

Trust is the foundation of a relationship. It is hard to earn, but easily lost. I want to trust him; but when he is on gone, my mind goes to a dark place.


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## arbitrator

laura_j said:


> I registered to this forum, because I don't like bringing friends or family into my relationship; I might get over the situation in my marriage, but friends/family may not. Talking to strangers is so much easier!
> 
> As an introduction, I have been married 14 years and in a committed relationship for 18 years. We have two kids aged 12 and 10. We have never had any real serious problems until now.
> 
> Trust is the foundation of a relationship. It is hard to earn, but easily lost. I want to trust him; but when he is on gone, my mind goes to a dark place.


*Welcome to TAM, @laura_j ~

Could you please take some time to expound on the details of your domestic problems?*


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## Bremik

Welcome. Do you have instances of where your husband has violated your trust?


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## laura_j

It feels good to talk about this. I have not talked about my marital issues with anyone.

Three weeks ago I found flirty text from other women on his WhatsApp account in Spanish, but let me start from the beginning

My husband would go to the Dominican Republic where prostitution is rampant, to hangout with his brother who owns a motel and club; this happened about 1-2 times a year. He would go to the club dance with many other women, flirt, buy them drinks. I knew this was going on and it didn't bother me. I trusted him

This year he go a huge promotion that also reduced his work load. He started going to Columbia (in Latin America) every month with his single friends who I know sleep with prostitutes there, he started practicing Spanish more (he is fluent, but wanted to learn the nuances), taking more interest in his appearance (new clothes, cologne, braces, hair implants, working out).

I went through is text after his third trip, but they were in Spanish, so I did not understand much. I saw goggle eyes, heart emojis, and translated one text that a woman wrote to him that said
"just remembered yesterday what we had lived together the previous nights and I felt so alone without you"

I immediately confronted him and he told me "everything" (I think). He says he didn't sleep with them or kiss them, but just danced, bought drinks, and talked and hugged. I asked why are you exchanging numbers, said he did not want to be rude. We have been talking and trying to work on things these past three weeks. He deleted his Whatsapp account and said he would change his behavior when he went out.

Fast forward today. My husband went to the Puerto Rico for a business trip, but his is making a stop in the Dominican for the weekend and returns Monday. I want to trust him, but I don't. I took pictures of his previous conversations and translated them today. The women are doing most of the talking and the same woman said:
"what happened to me with you had never happened to me with anyone. You were very special to me, I want to tell you that I will miss you, that I long to see you soon, and I miss your soft lips, your hands, your body." 
-What does this mean and how far did they go??

I am definitely going to confront him when he lands today.

We have sex regularly, 4-5 times a week, he tells me is attracted to me, loves me, will never divorce me, but I feel their is a void in his life and I am not enough anymore. We married early and most of his 20s and 30s were filled with work. Now he is trying to relive is 20s, but I am not at that point in my life anymore and I don't want to relive my 20s nor do I want him engage in that lifestyle anymore. 

Do I put my foot down on partying in Latin America 
- I know his life would be incomplete, but this lifestyle makes me insecure.

We both can't be completely happy and I don't know what to do?


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## wilson

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds like you are very trusting and perhaps a little naive about these matters. Unfortunately, it's a virtual certainty that a lot has gone on with these women. If he is seeing prostitutes, then likely they will be quite manipulative with their loving messages in order to extract more money. They may say they love him or whatever, but they just love his wallet. At a minimum, he's spending money on these women that should instead be spent on his family and household. 

You definitely need to find the strength to fight your yourself and your children. This will be a fight, and a hard one. He is not going to want to give up his fun easily. He will lie and manipulate you to keep things as is. You need to decide what kind of life you want for you and your children and fight to make it happen.


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## Marduk

laura_j said:


> It feels good to talk about this. I have not talked about my marital issues with anyone.
> 
> Three weeks ago I found flirty text from other women on his WhatsApp account in Spanish, but let me start from the beginning
> 
> My husband would go to the Dominican Republic where prostitution is rampant, to hangout with his brother who owns a motel and club; this happened about 1-2 times a year. He would go to the club dance with many other women, flirt, buy them drinks. I knew this was going on and it didn't bother me. I trusted him
> 
> This year he go a huge promotion that also reduced his work load. He started going to Columbia (in Latin America) every month with his single friends who I know sleep with prostitutes there, he started practicing Spanish more (he is fluent, but wanted to learn the nuances), taking more interest in his appearance (new clothes, cologne, braces, hair implants, working out).
> 
> I went through is text after his third trip, but they were in Spanish, so I did not understand much. I saw goggle eyes, heart emojis, and translated one text that a woman wrote to him that said
> "just remembered yesterday what we had lived together the previous nights and I felt so alone without you"
> 
> I immediately confronted him and he told me "everything" (I think). He says he didn't sleep with them or kiss them, but just danced, bought drinks, and talked and hugged. I asked why are you exchanging numbers, said he did not want to be rude. We have been talking and trying to work on things these past three weeks. He deleted his Whatsapp account and said he would change his behavior when he went out.
> 
> Fast forward today. My husband went to the Puerto Rico for a business trip, but his is making a stop in the Dominican for the weekend and returns Monday. I want to trust him, but I don't. I took pictures of his previous conversations and translated them today. The women are doing most of the talking and the same woman said:
> "what happened to me with you had never happened to me with anyone. You were very special to me, I want to tell you that I will miss you, that I long to see you soon, and I miss your soft lips, your hands, your body."
> -What does this mean and how far did they go??
> 
> I am definitely going to confront him when he lands today.
> 
> We have sex regularly, 4-5 times a week, he tells me is attracted to me, loves me, will never divorce me, but I feel their is a void in his life and I am not enough anymore. We married early and most of his 20s and 30s were filled with work. Now he is trying to relive is 20s, but I am not at that point in my life anymore and I don't want to relive my 20s nor do I want him engage in that lifestyle anymore.
> 
> Do I put my foot down on partying in Latin America
> - I know his life would be incomplete, but this lifestyle makes me insecure.
> 
> We both can't be completely happy and I don't know what to do?


Ok, here's what you do: you give your head a shake and realize that of course he's had sex with these women, probably prostitutes included, and you act accordingly.

Start by booking an STD test. God knows what he's bringing home. Back up all the evidence you have somewhere safe. Call a lawyer and protect yourself. Don't confront him today, he'll just lie, lie, lie. Just act cold as ice... and don't have sex with him.

Instead, do what your lawyer tells you to do.


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## Yeswecan

Your H is actively physically engaging women on these "business trips". Take screen shots of these messages. Quietly file for D. You deserve better.


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## laura_j

Thanks for the support. I know I may sound naive, but my husband has been an open book for most of our marriage

I have all his passwords to emails, phone, facebook, twitter, etc, access to all his money his paycheck goes to our joint account. He leaves his phone lying around the house all the time and this last time I picked it up and went through it and found the text. Did he delete the sexual texts, perhaps. 

- Just went for my annual last week Friday no STDs all good there. I haven't had that test done since I was pregnant 11 years ago, so I am aware of potential transgression/cheating that could have occurred

- The money is not the issue, he makes a tone of money and he has always spent it frivolously on everyone. It took awhile, but I have gotten over the crazy spending. He spares no expense on the family and we still save $9,000 a month, so I am cool if he wants to buy a few hoes some drinks.

My husband has always been a flirt, but this time it is the exchanging of numbers, devoting time to one ho in the club and talking all night to her, and the big no,no - a potential physical relationship. 

I asked him about a physical relationship (**** suck, intercourse, anal, and kissing) I don't want a divorce, especially since I don't have proof of a physical affair-highly suggestive though

I have been with this man since I was 21, the last 18 years of my life. I don't know how to trust him and if we are moving in the same direction anymore




Could he have other social media accounts I didn't go through


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## Bremik

I don't see how you can stop this or confirm he does what he says.

Why were you good with him dancing with other women especially without you there to begin with? Just asking not judging. The Spanish type cultures tend to be very sexual in nature especially dancing. 

You already have proof that what he says and what you read don't match up. Go with your gut it's telling you something isn't right.

It seems since you allowed it early on it is part of what he does and it wouldn't be difficult at all with the culture, drinking, single friends etc that this is beyond the point of simply talking about it. 

You have no way to verify what he does. He would have to completely quit what he does as far as the traveling to even make it possible to monitor what he does.

It would seem based on what things he has done for himself that you may have the resources to hire a private investigator. Get one to follow him on a trip to get the answers you need to make your decision. Trying to monitor via phone is exhausting, and they can easily hide things. Him being at such a distance makes all this much harder if not impossible to get good information. The PI seems to me to be fastest most viable option


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## wilson

laura_j said:


> He spares no expense on the family and we still save $9,000 a month, so I am cool if he wants to buy a few hoes some drinks.


The problem with buying drinks for hoes is that it rarely stays at that level. And if he's that loaded, those women are going to be all over him as hard as they can trying to get a big payday. Countries like the Dominican Republic are very poor. Women will literally do anything for a rich guy like that. Even the most moral man would have serious temptations in that environment.


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## BarbedFenceRider

I'm going to throw in with he's compartmentalized his marriage and "single guy" antics. Is he with other women....YOU betcha! Latinas are very passionate and discriptive when there is a man involved. I should know. And with that said, even if they are not prostitutes in the American sense, they are still "clocking". This is a term that us guys use when a girl would go out with a guy with the hopes of a good meal, dancing and the buying of trinkets. Kid you not. My bro used to live in Costa Rica and we would always find lovely women "clocking" or "on the clock" that would jump at the chance for a goood meal and good time. Usually lasted the whole weekend. Provided you bought it!
As for the big issue, when you guys did marry, I bet compartmentalization wasn't on the list of vows.... He is cake eating at it's finest. Usually a deal breaker.


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## EleGirl

I agree with the others. Your husband is having sex with women on these trips. 


@Marduk has given you very good advice.

Do not confront your husband at this time. He will only lie. He'll probably claim that she's some crazy woman who is stalking him. If you confront him he will lie as all cheaters lie. He will then just be much more careful about leaving evidence that you can find.

You can also keep looking for more evidence so that when you do confront him, you will be able to know that he is lying and he will not be able to make silly excuses to convince you otherwise.

What he is doing is putting your health at risk. Protect yourself.

See a lawyer and file for divorce.


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## sunsetmist

Depends on what kind of marriage you want. You certainly cannot trust him--he cheats, but maybe you like the benefits? Besides he has now made himself over for the hoes and he likely has a few special 'ladies' on the side.

I'd do the PI, and get as much as possible to carry on a new life.


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## FeministInPink

I agree with @Marduk and @EleGirl -- he's definitely been sleeping with other women on these trips. He's giving you ready access to everything because he knows how to cover his trail, and having access will give you a false sense of security. He makes enough money that he's not worried about you being suspicious of his spending, or if he has a secret "fun money" stash that you don't know about.

Do NOT confront him when he gets home today--he will lie, lie, lie and then he will be extra good for a while until he thinks your suspicions have died down, but he will go back to it and be even sneakier than before.

Take screenshots/document all the evidence you have right now, and have him followed by a PI the next time he takes a trip so you have irrefutable proof. You need proof before you confront him. And start learning Spanish! No wonder he feels comfortable trading messages with these women, because he knows you can't even understand them if you find them. Frankly, I'm wondering how many women he's spoken to on the phone with you in earshot, because he was speaking Spanish instead of English.


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## Diana7

Yes he has cheated and probably multiple times. No he wont tell you the truth, cheaters never do. 
So you either stay with an unfaithful liar who puts your heath at risk daily, or you end the marriage. You have trusted a man while he is acting like an immoral single guy. You are very naïve.


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## laura_j

I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I asked him for more info about his trips and the most he copped to was being kissed by her. He tried to make a distinction that she kissed him, but there are no differences in my eyes considering they were dancing and how close they had to be dancing for this to happen. I am aware more could have happened and I know his friends would never tell me the whole story.

At the end of the day, I love my H and I am not going to throw away nearly 2 decades together and disrupt my kids life based off kissing another woman and suspicions of intercourse but NO more trips to Latin America without me. Marriage takes work and we both are committed to repairing the relationship. We have made a lot of positive steps these past weeks and me finding more info about an earlier trip is a speed bump.

It was great to talk my problems out. I really appreciate the advise and you all maybe right, so I will keep your suggestions in mind the next time I have suspicions.


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## BluesPower

laura_j said:


> I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I asked him for more info about his trips and the most he copped to was being kissed by her. He tried to make a distinction that she kissed him, but there are no differences in my eyes considering they were dancing and how close they had to be dancing for this to happen. I am aware more could have happened and I know his friends would never tell me the whole story.


Listen, you need to understand that he is lying to you about everything. Now if you accept that and are OK with it then fine. 

However, you need to understand something... It is one thing to have an affair. It is another thing to BANG prostitutes in terms of sexual health. 

Yeah, you may catch something if he is having an affair, if he continues to bang hookers, it is probably just a matter of time until you catch something. 

The only question is will it kill you or can it be cured????


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## Marduk

laura_j said:


> I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I asked him for more info about his trips and the most he copped to was being kissed by her. He tried to make a distinction that she kissed him, but there are no differences in my eyes considering they were dancing and how close they had to be dancing for this to happen. I am aware more could have happened and I know his friends would never tell me the whole story.
> 
> At the end of the day, I love my H and I am not going to throw away nearly 2 decades together and disrupt my kids life based off kissing another woman and suspicions of intercourse but NO more trips to Latin America without me. Marriage takes work and we both are committed to repairing the relationship. We have made a lot of positive steps these past weeks and me finding more info about an earlier trip is a speed bump.
> 
> It was great to talk my problems out. I really appreciate the advise and you all maybe right, so I will keep your suggestions in mind the next time I have suspicions.


I have had a number of MCs tell me the first time the spouse notices - or perhaps admits to themselves - that their partner has been unfaithful is when they get an STD test.

And then their health, and any future relationships are disturbingly often severely damaged. Imagine contracting Hep B, HSV, or HIV from him and imagining the rest of your life. Even though sometimes manageable, they come with severe health consequences, and try to imagine dating after that.


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## laura_j

Update:

We stayed together. No STDs I got tested ASAP. Since I found out, he has been the man I married 15 years ago. He tells me he loves me often, we go out on date nights, he spends time with the family, he has completely changed the things I did not like when I believed he was having an affair. He does not take guy trips anymore. His ‘buddies’ have asked him to go a few times and he tells them no (I still read his text message regularly behind his back). Long story short, he has been nearly perfect in every respect, except…

He refuses to talk about what happened and is adamant that nothing ever happened. I don't believe him; thus, I have made up stories in my head of what happened. I constantly snoop through his things looking for evidence of something that happened in other countries over 1.5 years ago. I can’t stop ruminating may have happened, so much so that I view him negatively. I try to talk to him, so I can change the story I tell myself, but he refuse to talk.

He doesn't want to talk about the past anymore and wants to move forward. How do I move past an affair he won’t admit? And how do I change my perception of a man I have villainized in my head? Does anyone have any experience with this?


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## Lostinthought61

Laura, welcome back and thank you for the follow up on your life....i can see where this is an impasse for you , how are you able to move on if there is no resolution to what happen...let me ask you this question is not knowing worse then knowing he had an adulterous affair with that woman ?


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## Diana7

laura_j said:


> Update:
> 
> We stayed together. No STDs I got tested ASAP. Since I found out, he has been the man I married 15 years ago. He tells me he loves me often, we go out on date nights, he spends time with the family, he has completely changed the things I did not like when I believed he was having an affair. He does not take guy trips anymore. His ‘buddies’ have asked him to go a few times and he tells them no (I still read his text message regularly behind his back). Long story short, he has been nearly perfect in every respect, except…
> 
> He refuses to talk about what happened and is adamant that nothing ever happened. I don't believe him; thus, I have made up stories in my head of what happened. I constantly snoop through his things looking for evidence of something that happened in other countries over 1.5 years ago. I can’t stop ruminating may have happened, so much so that I view him negatively. I try to talk to him, so I can change the story I tell myself, but he refuse to talk.
> 
> He doesn't want to talk about the past anymore and wants to move forward. How do I move past an affair he won’t admit? And how do I change my perception of a man I have villainized in my head? Does anyone have any experience with this?


Tell him that you know he is lying and that unless he tells you the whole truth you will end the marriage. I suspect he has slept with multiple women.
Tell him you are going to book a lie detector test.


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## Openminded

It’s very difficult to get past a situation when you don’t know the truth. The problem is: would you believe anything he said?

For future reference, never again trust him 100% (assuming you once did). That’s asking for trouble.


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## laura_j

Openminded said:


> It’s very difficult to get past a situation when you don’t know the truth. The problem is: would you believe anything he said?
> 
> For future reference, never again trust him 100% (assuming you once did). That’s asking for trouble.


You are right, I don't and probably would not believe anything he says about that situation. I don't trust him which is why I constantly go through his phone/computer behind his back. I have not found anything. He is so committed to just spending time with me and the kids. 

I hold on to the pain as a reminder and this prevents me from being 100% committed to this relationship. I know I would be happier with him than without, 

Question
I believe my husband would go on vacation with his brother and a friend from childhood and they would engage in these actives. He has basically cut off communication with his childhood friend; his friend doesn't even have his new number. He's not going to cut off communication with his brother, that is understandable. His brother lives in a different state, so they didn't hang out unless it was on vacation. He already knows that going on trips with him is not going to happen. Am I wrong for telling him his brother is not welcomed around me? 

background: I rarely see this brother, I have seen him once in the past 2 years. They rarely get together for the holidays, since his parents no longer celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.


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## laura_j

Diana7 said:


> Tell him that you know he is lying and that unless he tells you the whole truth you will end the marriage. I suspect he has slept with multiple women.
> Tell him you are going to book a lie detector test.


I think you're right, he probably has slept with multiple women in multiple countries. I don't think his has told me the whole truth. Just the aspect that he thinks I can accept. 

I wish I could tell him to do those things (lie detector), but I think that will push him away and I don't want a divorce. I am trying to learn to accept that I will never know what happened and try to be happy knowing he has changed where and who he goes with when he is not around me.


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## laura_j

Lostinthought61 said:


> Laura, welcome back and thank you for the follow up on your life....i can see where this is an impasse for you , how are you able to move on if there is no resolution to what happen...let me ask you this question is not knowing worse then knowing he had an adulterous affair with that woman ?


The only thing knowing would do is bring closure to the situation. I still go through is things hoping to find the "smoking gun" Last week I found out that he had brothel houses saved in an old digital map on his phone from when he went to this country over 2 years ago. I already believe he slept with multiple women, but I keep looking for things which is time consuming and re-enforces this negative perception I have of him. 

At this point I know he will never tell me the complete truth and I am trying to accept that he has changed every aspect that I have asked of him. He has really changed and it is not just where is goes, he is more engaged, present, and closer to me and the kids, since they were born.


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## Al_Bundy

laura_j said:


> The only thing knowing would do is bring closure to the situation. I still go through is things hoping to find the "smoking gun" Last week I found out that he had brothel houses saved in an old digital map on his phone from when he went to this country over 2 years ago. I already believe he slept with multiple women, but I keep looking for things which is time consuming and re-enforces this negative perception I have of him.
> 
> At this point I know he will never tell me the complete truth and I am trying to accept that he has changed every aspect that I have asked of him. He has really changed and it is not just where is goes, he is more engaged, present, and closer to me and the kids, since they were born.


The problem is that he knows you are looking through his phone and all that. You said you have passwords to his accounts.......you have the ones he wants you to have. Deleting an app doesn't mean anything since some messaging apps can be deleted after use and you won't lose your contacts or messages they sent. 

The doubt makes you question everything. It probably feels like the past two decades were a lie.


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## Openminded

You want to stay so you’re going to have to accept that you’ll never know the truth and just let it go. That’s extremely difficult to do but he’s never going to tell you what happened so that’s where you are. Just don’t make the mistake of completely trusting him 100% going forward. Those days are gone and they should be.


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## Diana7

If you are happy being with a serial cheat and a liar then stay with him.


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