# Overly Concerning or Overly Controlling?



## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

Hello forum members. This is my first post as I really just wanted some perspective on a situation in my marriage. Thank you in advance for any comments as I really am trying to figure out if I need to change or if my wife does or both. 

The basics: My wife and I have been married for just under 15 years, some good, some average, none bad, and some very ggod that remind me why I love her so much. We are 40 and were high school sweethearts so have been dating since we were 16. We literally are best friends and we have demonstrated the ability to work through minor issues but never have had a major issue. 

My issue: I have long had trust issues for a number of reasons from my youth that I will leave out here (I have had to see a psychiatrist to deal with some abandonment issues but probably am 90% through those and no longer in need of that). Part of the reason that I love my wife so much is that I trust her far more than anyone else on the planet. That said, I still get jealous of her interactions with other men despite the fact that she has literally never given me a shred of a reason to doubt her fidelity. I worry that I will lose her to a better person without these issues. 

The situation: My wife informed me last week that her job was sending her on a business trip with her coworker, a married man about the same age. It was just the two of them and that raised my anxiety level. When I discussed it with my wife, she told me not to worry and that although she couldn't change her flights that she would rent a separate car, stay in a separate hotel, and not go out to any one-on-one dinners with him. She called late last night and admitted that they had only rented one car, ate meals together, and stayed in the same hotel. They were not in the same hotel room as she was calling me from hers and there is no way she would have had that conversation with him there. The conversation of course didn't go well. When I called back this morning she didn't answer so I waited a few minutes and called again, this time it went straight to voicemail. 

Request for comments: I would really like to hear your opinion on whether or not you think that I have been too controlling in asking all the details of her trip such that she needed to lie to me about the hotel, car, etc. It is high maintenance for her to have to deal with my trust issues despite her never doing anything to deserve them so I do feel guilty in part for this situation. That said, the one person I can trust lied to me. Obviously Im concerned about what happened on this trip, should I be? How would you react?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

FirstName said:


> That said, I still get jealous of her interactions with other men despite the fact that she has literally never given me a shred of a reason to doubt her fidelity. I worry that I will lose her to a better person without these issues.
> 
> The situation: My wife informed me last week that her job was sending her on a business trip with her coworker, a married man about the same age. It was just the two of them and that raised my anxiety level. When I discussed it with my wife, she told me not to worry and that although she couldn't change her flights that she would rent a separate car, stay in a separate hotel, and not go out to any one-on-one dinners with him. She called late last night and admitted that they had only rented one car, ate meals together, and stayed in the same hotel. They were not in the same hotel room as she was calling me from hers and there is no way she would have had that conversation with him there. The conversation of course didn't go well. When I called back this morning she didn't answer so I waited a few minutes and called again, this time it went straight to voicemail.
> 
> Request for comments: I would really like to hear your opinion on whether or not you think that I have been too controlling in asking all the details of her trip such that she needed to lie to me about the hotel, car, etc. It is high maintenance for her to have to deal with my trust issues despite her never doing anything to deserve them so I do feel guilty in part for this situation. That said, the one person I can trust lied to me. Obviously Im concerned about what happened on this trip, should I be? How would you react?


I would have said that you were overly controlling however then you said that she got separate cars, meals, hotels, etc. She felt the need to lie to you and mostly likely as a result of your trust issues (despite her never doing anything to deserve it). Really it was a dumb thing to lie about because it's just ridiculous to expect that all things would be separate during a work trip. 

So she's probably pretty mad at you. So what exactly was said during the phone call?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Getting separate cars, hotels etc. would only be accomplished if it came out of your pocket. The travel departments of any business look to reduces costs for travel. That includes sharing cars. Lodge at same hotel. Separate rooms if male and female are attending the trip. Share a room for male/male on the trip. As far as eating together, it is business and expected that coworkers traveling for business in a town they do not know would eat together. If your W has not lead you to believe anything other than her faithfulness then you should go on that assumption.


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I would have said that you were overly controlling however then you said that she got separate cars, meals, hotels, etc. She felt the need to lie to you and mostly likely as a result of your trust issues (despite her never doing anything to deserve it). Really it was a dumb thing to lie about because it's just ridiculous to expect that all things would be separate during a work trip.
> 
> So she's probably pretty mad at you. So what exactly was said during the phone call?


Thanks Tropical. To answer your question, it actually was a relatively calm conversation although admittedly with tone of argument. She said it was my fault for making her feel the need to lie and wouldn't apologize until the very end of the conversation. I apologized for not trusting her initially by asking what hotel she was staying in, etc. So we ended on a relatively decent tone but when she wouldn't answer my call this morning, my anxiety is through the roof because I do not know if anything happened last night after we got off the phone. Maybe completely irrational to have that fear because I don't think she would throw away 20+ years of being together but I really don't want to be abandoned by the one person I do trust. She has never lied like this before and has to be either pretty mad or hiding something not to answer my calls.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Abandoned by somebody you trust? 

You may want to revise that statement.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stop calling her. Give her some room to breathe; to miss you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

well one thing for sure if her behavior changes when she comes home, that may be an issue.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

FirstName said:


> Thanks Tropical. To answer your question, it actually was a relatively calm conversation although admittedly with tone of argument. She said it was my fault for making her feel the need to lie and wouldn't apologize until the very end of the conversation. I apologized for not trusting her initially by asking what hotel she was staying in, etc. So we ended on a relatively decent tone but when she wouldn't answer my call this morning, my anxiety is through the roof because I do not know if anything happened last night after we got off the phone. Maybe completely irrational to have that fear because I don't think she would throw away 20+ years of being together but I really don't want to be abandoned by the one person I do trust. She has never lied like this before and has to be either pretty mad or hiding something not to answer my calls.


If she's given you no other reason to suspect, then I would say that she's mad & frustrated with you. Having everything separate like that with no past history isn't a reasonable expectation. It's sad that she had to say that to make you feel warm & fuzzy. You have to stop projecting your anxiety & jealously onto her. You're smothering her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> If she's given you no other reason to suspect, then I would say that she's mad & frustrated with you. Having everything separate like that with no past history isn't a reasonable expectation. It's sad that she had to say that to make you feel warm & fuzzy. You have to stop projecting your anxiety & jealously onto her. You're smothering her.


Besides the lying to him about everything on the trip. Look I am not saying she is doing anything but that was not a good start. This should be addressed when she gets home. Even if he is controlling lying about it isn't going to help him. 

OP you need to separate yourself from your wife a little. You need to get to the point that you know even if she were to abandon you you would be alright. Only then will you stop controlling. I am saying give up on your marriage or anything like that, I am saying you should never be so dependent on anyone to the point that you think your life is over without them, or even your happiness couldn't be without them. This goes even for your wife.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

My gut tells me she lied because she wanted to avoid a fight. My company has very strict constraints of what hotels you can stay at and which car rental companies can be used. My company wouldn't pay for two coworkers renting 2 separate cars on the same project. They always allow renting of separate rooms.

Even though she lied about the separate rooms, car's etc she "did" tell you the truth in the end. 

If she's never given you any reason to not trust her then it's on you to fix that. It must be exhausting for her to be worried about your reactions together with holding down a full time job with travel and be a full time wife. Think hard about how to address this situation in a calm and respectful way when she gets home. I could see this situation escalating pretty fast if you don't think this through.


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Besides the lying to him about everything on the trip. Look I am not saying she is doing anything but that was not a good start. This should be addressed when she gets home. Even if he is controlling lying about it isn't going to help him.
> 
> OP you need to separate yourself from your wife a little. You need to get to the point that you know even if she were to abandon you you would be alright. Only then will you stop controlling. I am saying give up on your marriage or anything like that, I am saying you should never be so dependent on anyone to the point that you think your life is over without them, or even your happiness couldn't be without them. This goes even for your wife.


sokillme- thanks for this advice. I do think it is smart to keep balance in all things and I do actually apply that axiom to many other parts of my life so its a good reminder here. I think at times this dependency on her stems from having been with her since we were in high school and therefore all I can imagine of my life. I also am concerned that as we turn 40 she is looking at her life and wondering if she missed out on having other relationships since I am all she knows too. This work trip will be the first time she has ever gone somewhere with just one other man and if she were having those thoughts, she certainly could act on them without me knowing, which is why I am concerned in particular about claiming that he was staying at a different hotel. Now, its possible that she was having those thoughts and that is why she lied before leaving and had the opportunity to act on them while on the trip but ultimately did not, felt guilty, and that's why she told admitted to lying


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

Grogmiester said:


> My gut tells me she lied because she wanted to avoid a fight. My company has very strict constraints of what hotels you can stay at and which car rental companies can be used. My company wouldn't pay for two coworkers renting 2 separate cars on the same project. They always allow renting of separate rooms.
> 
> Even though she lied about the separate rooms, car's etc she "did" tell you the truth in the end.
> 
> If she's never given you any reason to not trust her then it's on you to fix that. It must be exhausting for her to be worried about your reactions together with holding down a full time job with travel and be a full time wife. Think hard about how to address this situation in a calm and respectful way when she gets home. I could see this situation escalating pretty fast if you don't think this through.


Thanks Grog. I have no doubt its exhausting for her and it honestly hurts me when I see her frustration. I wish I didn't come with the trust issue baggage and that is why I went to the psychiatrist (for her and to help me interact with other people too). Its not like this is a dysfunctional marriage at all. Its frankly our only issue but it does flare from time to time. Never like this though.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

There is nothing worse than jealous and insecure behavior levied against a spouse without good cause. You're made to feel like a criminal in your own home and to second guess any action you take. Get that in check or you're going to slowly erode your marriage.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP I can relate to your anxiety about this. My H had a business trip last year, DID NOT tell me it was just going to be him and another female co-worker until AFTER they got there. Picked her up from the airport, had dinner together, etc. 

The reason I was anxious is that he was acting distant when he came home. I found text messages back and forth but nothing incriminating. BUT there was a picture he posted to FB of the both of them with his arm around her, and another picture of him and her sitting right next to each other at a table taking a selfie. 

Do I think anything happened? No, probably not. But what I didn't like was the "closeness" that they displayed and the way that this could have become an emotional affair or more. I had to lay down some boundaries with him in counseling. Basically it was to let him know that if he is on business trips...if he wouldn't do something with me there, then he shouldn't be doing it if I'm not there. 

What I would recommend is to back off and give her some space. You said she has never given you reason to distrust her, so continue to trust. You can keep an eye on things just to verify.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FirstName said:


> sokillme- thanks for this advice. I do think it is smart to keep balance in all things and I do actually apply that axiom to many other parts of my life so its a good reminder here. I think at times this dependency on her stems from having been with her since we were in high school and therefore all I can imagine of my life. I also am concerned that as we turn 40 she is looking at her life and wondering if she missed out on having other relationships since I am all she knows too. This work trip will be the first time she has ever gone somewhere with just one other man and if she were having those thoughts, she certainly could act on them without me knowing, which is why I am concerned in particular about claiming that he was staying at a different hotel. Now, its possible that she was having those thoughts and that is why she lied before leaving and had the opportunity to act on them while on the trip but ultimately did not, felt guilty, and that's why she told admitted to lying


Me thinks you worry to much and it is completely unfounded as you stated your W has never given you reason to doubt anything. You are working on a self-fulfilling prophecy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FirstName said:


> sokillme- thanks for this advice. I do think it is smart to keep balance in all things and I do actually apply that axiom to many other parts of my life so its a good reminder here. I think at times this dependency on her stems from having been with her since we were in high school and therefore all I can imagine of my life. I also am concerned that as we turn 40 she is looking at her life and wondering if she missed out on having other relationships since I am all she knows too. This work trip will be the first time she has ever gone somewhere with just one other man and if she were having those thoughts, she certainly could act on them without me knowing, which is why I am concerned in particular about claiming that he was staying at a different hotel. Now, its possible that she was having those thoughts and that is why she lied before leaving and had the opportunity to act on them while on the trip but ultimately did not, felt guilty, and that's why she told admitted to lying


So basically, you have little to no self esteem; you EXPECT her to be able to find someone better than you; you've never lived on your own without her so you can't even imagine what life without her is like and that scares the hell out of you - making you even MORE dependent on her good will; you're just waiting for her to figure out that she's 40 and needs something better; and something nebulous in your past has taught you not to trust anyone...and you don't need therapy anymore? 

You may want to rethink that.

I'll just leave you with one thought: biologically, psychologically, women are attracted to strong men. Mentally strong, physically strong, self-assured, men they can trust to both protect them and yet be ok without the women if need be. You're not being any of that.

And fwiw, I wouldn't be answering your calls, either.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

If she'd told him the truth in the first place, I'd tell him to just deal with it. 

Is was a mistake for her to lie about the separate cars, hotels & meals in the first place.

She threw away the trust that she deserved.

She should apologize for misleading him and promise not to do that again.

Then he can work on getting over his insecurities.


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

bluezone said:


> OP I can relate to your anxiety about this. My H had a business trip last year, DID NOT tell me it was just going to be him and another female co-worker until AFTER they got there. Picked her up from the airport, had dinner together, etc.
> 
> The reason I was anxious is that he was acting distant when he came home. I found text messages back and forth but nothing incriminating. BUT there was a picture he posted to FB of the both of them with his arm around her, and another picture of him and her sitting right next to each other at a table taking a selfie.
> 
> ...


Im sorry to hear that bluezone and I hope that things have settled down for you and your husband. Your advice is consistent with many others in that I should give her some space. It will just be very challenging on the heels of the lying but I suppose if there is ever a time to show that I can give her that space it would be after this most difficult experience. 

I guess its the old adage to let something go and if it leaves it was never meant to be but if it comes back then you know for sure. I hope she doesn't fall in love with someone else in the meantime. Out of my control I guess.


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

turnera said:


> So basically, you have little to no self esteem; you EXPECT her to be able to find someone better than you; you've never lived on your own without her so you can't even imagine what life without her is like and that scares the hell out of you - making you even MORE dependent on her good will; you're just waiting for her to figure out that she's 40 and needs something better; and something nebulous in your past has taught you not to trust anyone...and you don't need therapy anymore?
> 
> You may want to rethink that.
> 
> ...


Harsh advice tunera but I do appreciate it. Much better to see every side of things. I will take this into consideration.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I wouldn't call it controlling just hyper-paranoid. Not trusting your wife in situation she has to go on a business trip is not going to make her feel better about you as a husband. This might be a situation where you want to keep her so much you end up driving her away. Unless you have a reason to be suspicious, you need to leave her alone when she's on a business trip.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

FirstName said:


> Im sorry to hear that bluezone and I hope that things have settled down for you and your husband. Your advice is consistent with many others in that I should give her some space. It will just be very challenging on the heels of the lying but I suppose if there is ever a time to show that I can give her that space it would be after this most difficult experience.
> 
> I guess its the old adage to let something go and if it leaves it was never meant to be but if it comes back then you know for sure. I hope she doesn't fall in love with someone else in the meantime. Out of my control I guess.


Yes things have settled down. But we did go through many marriage counseling sessions to get through some issues. In my case, my H had betrayed my trust before the business trip issues. It wasn't an affair it was financial betrayal. But betrayal is betrayal...it still wrecks havoc on a relationship. 

My advice to you is to work on yourself right now. Get some exercise...do some things you like to do, take a class, etc. Start feeling good about yourself and you won't worry about her so much. Hang in there.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

As usually happens, turnera hit the nail on the head. I'm just about your age, in a marriage of similar length. I'm female. I used to travel for work, and often had to travel as the sole female with one or two male co-workers. We'd rent one car, stay at the same hotel and eat meals together (sometimes with clients, sometimes just me and my co-worker(s)). It was company policy. Since we both had rings on our left hands, we even had people assume we were a couple and had to correct them - "just co-workers!"

Nothing untoward, or remotely close to it, ever happened on these trips. If my husband was a fly on the wall there is not one thing that ever happened that I would have been uncomfortable with him witnessing. I'm not saying 100% that there is nothing going in your situation, but my gut is that you are being overly insecure on this issue. She lied because she thought you were overreacting and didn't want to deal with it. She sounds annoyed and likely justifiably upset that you are suspecting of her of activity that she given you no reason to suspect.

My husband has had insecurity issues in the past, and I've always told him it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is. The surest way to get her to consider another man in a sexual way is to suggest that something is going on. Trust me on that.


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

I wanted to thank everyone for your comments and help today. It has been very useful to have all of this input. Especially the criticisms which I actually put into practice when my wife called back. I just got off the phone with her and She spent over an hour in the airport talking things through with me, including deep into my past on the events that caused my issues with trust. She is a wonderful and patient woman for her willingness to put aside her frustration and work with me, not against me. 

As many of you had suspected, she lied consciously because she wanted to avoid a fight and knew that it would cause my anxiety to flare. In some odd way, she was actually trying to be helpful which I guess I can kinda see. That said, she recognizes that I will not get better if she shelters me from dealing with things so she promised not to do that again. My response was appropriate in that she doesn't have to tell me - I should trust her without that but I do appreciate her willingness to do until I can get over these issues. 

We talked a lot about controlling my thought patterns that lead to these irrational scenarios that are super unlikely. I think if I can learn to avoid listening to low probability high impact thoughts, it might help change this around. I think we are on a good path now as we have both learned something that will avoid this situation in the future. 

Im not sure many women would find a corner in an airport just to talk through everything with their husbands. I feel very lucky to have someone like her on my side.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Buddy400 said:


> If she'd told him the truth in the first place, I'd tell him to just deal with it.
> 
> Is was a mistake for her to lie about the separate cars, hotels & meals in the first place.
> 
> ...


If this wasn't the first time she's done it, I would agree with you. 

I'll agree she shouldn't have lied; but I wouldn't put this whole thing on her shoulders. It's very obvious the insecurities came far before they lying, unless he isn't giving us the whole story.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FirstName said:


> In some odd way, she was actually trying to be helpful which I guess I can kinda see. That said, she recognizes that I will not get better if she shelters me from dealing with things so she promised not to do that again. My response was appropriate in that she doesn't have to tell me - I should trust her without that but I do appreciate her willingness to do until I can get over these issues.
> 
> We talked a lot about controlling my thought patterns that lead to these irrational scenarios that are super unlikely. I think if I can learn to avoid listening to low probability high impact thoughts, it might help change this around. I think we are on a good path now as we have both learned something that will avoid this situation in the future.


You guess you can kinda see?

If you can learn to avoid thinking to low-probability thoughts? How are you planning to do that? It doesn't sound like you're all that 'on board' as you think.

btw, what you're calling 'criticism' isn't criticism. It's analysis of the situation you're dealing with. You can't fix things unless you acknowledge what's what. It's the low self esteem translating what you read into criticism and not help.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I really caution you against leaning on your lovely wife too much about this, and turning her into your therapist by default. This isn't a couple issue, nor hers, it's your and yours alone and it's up to you to fix it.

I say this with kind intent so please don't be upset - but when I was reading how the two of you talked for an hour at the airport, and delving into your past blah blah I thought to myself "what a weak man". I guarantee you on some level your wife feels that too..women are not attracted to weak men. Again, I say this in kindness and I'm sincerely sorry if I upset you. I just want you to look at this from an outside perspective.

You were completely unreasonable in your expectations of separate cars etc. for your wife's work trip. I completely see why she lied to you, and I completely see why she never requested of her work the separate flights/cars - she was likely trying to save herself some embarrassment and protect you at the same time...imagine having to explain to your employer that you require separate everything on your work trip because your spouse won't allow you to be alone with opposite sex colleagues? You would have looked like a total @rse.

If you don't get YOUR issue under control OP you run the very real risk of driving your wife away. She's going to get resentful eventually - she's picking up the tab for things that happened to you long before she met you and that's very unfair.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

frusdil said:


> OP I really caution you against leaning on your lovely wife too much about this, and turning her into your therapist by default. This isn't a couple issue, nor hers, it's your and yours alone and it's up to you to fix it.
> 
> I say this with kind intent so please don't be upset - but when I was reading how the two of you talked for an hour at the airport, and delving into your past blah blah I thought to myself "what a weak man". I guarantee you on some level your wife feels that too..women are not attracted to weak men. Again, I say this in kindness and I'm sincerely sorry if I upset you. I just want you to look at this from an outside perspective.
> 
> ...


This is true, you need to shelter her from your issues to a certain extent. Your job is to be emotionally strong for her. You need to work on you with IC and if you have good male friends. Also again you need to start separating yourself a little bit. You CAN NOT put all your happiness/security in one person. You will never have a safe life that way and it is very unfair to that person. OP do you have other friends, male friends? What is something were to happen to her. I get that you have been dating since you were kids but that is not a healthy way to have a relationship. Please start letting go a little. It will be very good for you, her and your relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But he's saying he doesn't need to work on anything, that he's done his time in IC and doesn't need it anymore.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FirstName said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your comments and help today. It has been very useful to have all of this input. Especially the criticisms which I actually put into practice when my wife called back. I just got off the phone with her and
> 
> *She spent over an hour in the airport talking things through with me, including deep into my past on the events that caused my issues with trust.*
> 
> ...


*You are 100% correct. Mrs.MarriedDude would think I lost my damn mind...or took some bad acid..or shrooms...or she was being punk'd....regardless she would be pissed...not coddling, not soothing, sure as hell not appeasing my insecurity. But Meh, I've always had a thing for badass women...


Wake up OP...granted I only have what you have stated to go on...either you left out a TON of stuff (what I'm leaning towards)...You are mega-controlling/passive-aggressive as hell and she is trained to appease you (less likely)...or....You somehow married Mary Poppins of the infinite patience who's love language is reassuring you....Whichever it is....Good Luck*


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> But he's saying he doesn't need to work on anything, that he's done his time in IC and doesn't need it anymore.


I think OP left out a TON of stuff....... Separate Cars.....Separate Meals......You don't start there, logic would dictate a medium (not that Im Yoda) level of insecurity would be something like frequent texting....not ISOLATION.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> And fwiw, I wouldn't be answering your calls, either.


If you were married to me you would!

But you aren't. Lucky for both of us. ;-}

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Seriously~

I do not believe in hurting people if I can avoid it.

I would rather have a spouse at home who worried about me, then one who could give a crap, one way or another.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. But I also know how damaging it is to enable dysfunction.


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## Ruby210 (Oct 14, 2015)

FirstName, 
I sent you a private message because our situations are very similar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP if your wife hasn't done anything to deserve your mistrust than you need to back off. I dated a woman who acted like you and frankly her neediness was exhausting, in a fit of frustration at her constant insecure badgering I broke up with her simply because I was tired of dealing with it. As you admit you are lucky to have a woman who "talks you thru" your insecurities, yet I would bet she gets very frustrated with you, and the day may come where she will say "enough". She is to the point of lying to you just to keep the peace, that's got to make her feel like ****, and trust me, if you keep making her feel guarded about everything she does she will become resentful toward you, if she's not already.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Grogmiester said:


> My gut tells me she lied because she wanted to avoid a fight. My company has very strict constraints of what hotels you can stay at and which car rental companies can be used. My company wouldn't pay for two coworkers renting 2 separate cars on the same project. They always allow renting of separate rooms.
> 
> Even though she lied about the separate rooms, car's etc she "did" tell you the truth in the end.
> 
> If she's never given you any reason to not trust her then it's on you to fix that. It must be exhausting for her to be worried about your reactions together with holding down a full time job with travel and be a full time wife. Think hard about how to address this situation in a calm and respectful way when she gets home. I could see this situation escalating pretty fast if you don't think this through.


This. Companies expect coworkers to pool cars unless 2 are truly needed FOR WORK. Separate rooms are the norm but at the same hotel. As to eating together. I would not do it 1 on 1 but it is not unusual. Usually they get a per diem (allowance) for meals.

My radar would be working, looking for changes, but I see NO reason to go all 007 on her unless her behavior changes.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> This. Companies expect coworkers to pool cars unless 2 are truly needed FOR WORK. Separate rooms are the norm but at the same hotel. As to eating together. I would not do it 1 on 1 but it is not unusual. Usually they get a per diem (allowance) for meals.
> 
> *My radar would be working, looking for changes, but I see NO reason to go all 007 on her unless her behavior changes.*


*
*

Everything said has been correct except the bull **** bashing you. It would be hard to explain to their boss why two co workers going to the same meetings and location would need two cars or two separate hotels. Makes no sense. 

But, the LYING to you and the apparent excusing of it by the group is not acceptable to me. All that did was make the situation worse, as lying usually does. her knowing you have issues should have made it imperative in her mind if she wanted to avoid a fight to not lie. How are you going to get over these anxieties if you believe anytime it is convenient she will lie. not a good pattern to encourage.

Now back to the original situation, a couple of questions
(1) from your post, it appears this was not something that is a regular occurance nor is it something that is going to start to happen regularly????
(2) if it is why??? change of responsibilities, etc
just curious on the above.

As Weightl;ifter just told you, right now there is no real reason to be overly suspicious UNLESS prior to this trip some things have changed or since the trip some things have changed. i suggest you just google "Signs your wife is cheating" and then do your own HONEST evaluation. If the signs are there trust your gut. if not, just insure you know what they are.

One thing you said that you are wrong on is that you cannot imagine your wife having a man her room while talking to you. The odds are at this point she is not cheating but if she is she could be lying in bed with him and talk to you. 

Just a couple of things. Your wife obviously knows you have these insecurities that you need to work on. She can either make them worse ( which she did) by lying or she can talk things out with you even if it is not easy. it's called communication and no one said all communication in a marriage is going to be easy.

lastly, before you let anyone blast you as a controlling idiot, make sure they know first hand what it feels like to be a BS. if they don't, I'd ignore their opinion. The fact of the matter is that most folks who do get betrayed can go back and realize that out of blind trust they missed at least one or two obvious signals that were not big time red lights.

You are probably fine and not betrayed. That does not mean you are not allowed to ask any questions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BS? When was he betrayed?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

As a classic rock Buddhist, .38 Special's Hold On Loosely is well applied here.

There are a lot of pressures here that created a series of bad choices for both of you... you have issues from your past that are still unresolved and those are impacting her decision-making to keep honest communication with you for fear of the fallout leaving a lesser of two evils approach. 

Lie, or deal with the outcome of honesty while addressing an insecure relationship... ugh.

I'll bet she feels pretty lose-lose right now... and while feeling pretty weary with it, one of these are still very much in her control, but it comes with a cost of your reaction.

Your reaction, she has no control here... but attempted control by not being truthful to lessen how things were received, thus a price paid for wanting something she could not have. 

A lot of this simply comes down to choice... whatever it is that needs to still be addressed in self-history, that is not allowing trust and is creating an environment that places her in a corner and makes her most unmindful trying to deal with your unmindfulness.

If you continue to allow your anxiety to set your pace, you will finish this race with first place in a contest you don't want to win, because there will be no other participants. Getting back into counseling is essential and accepting that she is there with you because she wants to be is going to free you to find the things inside you the will finally be seen without the walls of fear you have in place... this is your choice to act on.

Her choice is open truth, it's a tough road, honesty is... it's hidden at times for reasons we cannot always bring into light at that time, but patience and trust is critical for us to see the obstacles in out path so we can move around them and not fall over them, and definitely not on them.

Sometimes honesty just flat out hurts... but it is actually an unbridled respect, see it for what it truly is. If you make it something different with your insecurity, you will see something unhealthy and you will suffer it's disguise.

I see nothing that tells me your wife doesn't love you and isn't committed to you... but hold on loosely, she will appreciate that confidence you have in her and your relationship.

Your wife loves you.

Your wife cares for you.

Your wife wants what's best for you.

Peace be with you both...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What you expected of your W on her business trip was unreasonable but, rather than lying to you in an attempt to keep you happy, she should have reassured you very firmly that you had absolutely nothing to worry about concerning her trip, but that she would not be embarrassing herself in front of her colleague and employers by altering her business plans to allay your unwarranted fears.

Time to revisit and do some work on those insecurities, OP?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> I agree. But I also know how damaging it is to enable dysfunction.


The dysfunction you admonish is not a blob.

It is a boy, albeit a big one.

Part of cherishing your spouse means polishing their ego.

Nourishing their feelings.

Am I being serious? Is this sarcasm?
...............................................................................................................
Yes, I agree with you.

Cold logic [minus compassion] when applied to those you love the most, unsettles me.

It is the raw emotions and a generous dose of romance that makes marriage desirable. 

Always being correct is useful at work, unsatisfactory at home. Holding your spouse in your arms is better than holding them to logical truths and behaviors.

I do admit, there are limits to anything. Coddling a codger might reach that limit.

Thank you, in advance, for your patience!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Let me help ease your mind here, hopefully! Not quite the situation but almost. I am recently divorced so I am a free woman. I met an old male classmate who I considered as a friend at the airport, we traveled to our final destination together. We shared a car, we stayed at the same hotel, different rooms, we ate breakfast together every morning but it was nothing more than friends. I did not have more feelings for him and vise versa. It was completely innocent.

If your wife's behavior is any different when she gets back then there might be something to suspect.

Do call her but do not question her with your thoughts. Let her know you love her and I think most of all wives love it when they know their husbands are emotionally available to them....understanding, sympathetic and caring.....seeing us for who we are on the inside and hear that appreciation.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> If she'd told him the truth in the first place, I'd tell him to just deal with it.
> 
> Is was a mistake for her to lie about the separate cars, hotels & meals in the first place.
> 
> ...


Companies don't give a rat's ass about insecure husbands or wives who think they have the right to dictate what their spouse does on a business trip. It's absolutely* ludicrous* to expect your wife to rent a separate car, stay at another hotel, treat her coworker like he's some kind of leper by avoiding him like the plague, and it's downright insulting to her male coworker whose done nothing to deserve that disrespect. 

Your insecurities are YOUR problem and you put her in a very embarrassing position professionally for no reason at all. It would be one thing if this guy had a history of being inappropriate towards you wife but you don't mention anything like that. I couldn't imagine going on a business trip and telling my male coworker I'm not "allowed" to drive with him, have any company meals with him, or stay in the same hotel with him because my insecure husband has issues. She acted like any NORMAL person away on business would act and should act.

She lied to you because your ridiculous demands would have made her look like a paranoid fool, plain and simple.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Companies don't give a rat's ass about insecure husbands or wives who think they have the right to dictate what their spouse does on a business trip. It's absolutely* ludicrous* to expect your wife to rent a separate car, stay at another hotel, treat her coworker like he's some kind of leper by avoiding him like the plague, and it's downright insulting to her male coworker whose done nothing to deserve that disrespect.
> 
> Your insecurities are YOUR problem and you put her in a very embarrassing position professionally for no reason at all. It would be one thing if this guy had a history of being inappropriate towards you wife but you don't mention anything like that. I couldn't imagine going on a business trip and telling my male coworker I'm not "allowed" to drive with him, have any company meals with him, or stay in the same hotel with him because my insecure husband has issues. She acted like any NORMAL person away on business would act and should act.
> 
> She lied to you because your ridiculous demands would have made her look like a paranoid fool, plain and simple.


SheStillGotIt summed up my thoughts very well, the simple reality of the position his wife was in. The only part I disagree with was the last statement of making "her look like a paranoid fool". I think just the opposite is true, I think the scenario would have made the husband look like a paranoid fool, and the thought of that embarrassed the hell out of her. While I don't agree with the wife lying I can sympathize with her reasoning, 
I would bet this has been going on for so long she is just worn out constantly having to reassure. Her love and understanding is being pushed beyond the limits. Can you imagine how embarrassing and frustrating it must have been for her to spend an hour on the phone while at the airport reassuring her husband? I wonder what she told her co worker. 

Know what I think? I think the guy is using "insecurities" passive aggressively to control his wife's behavior. Instead of being able to sit with her co worker at the airport and talk the husband kept her on the phone the entire time, that's control. I bet he calls the hotel room first thing in the morning, then calls her at dinner time, then calls her later in the evening, he will tell her he loves her and misses her, but what he really doing is checking up on her and making sure those strings of control are pulled tight.

As I said before, I bet the wife is exhausted dealing with his "insecurities". OP you need to man up, if that means more counseling so be it, this issue is yours alone.


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## FirstName (Nov 22, 2016)

Thank you again for all the comments. I was surprised to see so many more after my last post so that makes for a good forum discussion. That said, the discussion did get a little off base so a couple points of clarity: first, my wife did not embarrass herself in front of her co-workers in the airport - she went to a quiet place - and in fact I had asked her that question before the discussion for exactly that reason. Second, I never asked my wife to get separate cars/hotels/food for many of the reasons several posters stated so while I appreciate the feedback, some of those comments are a little unfounded. She claimed before the trip that she was going to do get the separate car/hotel/dinner--obviously in an attempt to ease my worries--but when she called late one night in the middle of the trip to admit that she was in the same hotel/car/dinners with her male co-worker there was a level of suspicion because why hide it from the beginning and then admit it half way through. 

Most normal people would have left it at that, a concerning sign; however, I obviously wrote here because I know I have some past issues with abandonment/trust from my childhood (see original post) so I was looking for a gauge on whether or not this behavior is something I should be concerned about or if I was over-reacting due to my previous issues. Basically just looking for how people without those issues would react. The first couple pages of posts were super helpful and as I noted I actually implemented many of your advice to positive effect. The last few posts, however, about "man up" to get over insecurities were not so useful. I would ask if its better to "man-up" and suppress the issues or, as I had done in the past, "smart up" (ie learn to control thoughts) and admit there is an issue and seek counseling/advise to address the childhood issues so they have minimal affect on my otherwise happy marriage. That said, I do agree to a small extent that sometimes in therapy its easy to lose perspective of the "man-up" concept and sometimes it is better for small issues to simply just get over it. My childhood issues, however, are significant and require a lot more smarting up than manning up. 

The conclusion I have come to is that I set the environment where she felt the need to lie prior to the trip. She felt guilty of lying and came clean, albeit with some unfortunate timing late one night. I need to continue to address my fear of abandonment, which I am working on. Thank you again to everyone who took the time to post - some of them were very useful!


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