# Counseling



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Some of you may know my situation; I've posted on here numerous times.

Long story short we are going to try counseling. Well even that is an issue.

My wife wants us to go see a Christian "counselor." I use that term loosely because the guy isn't actually a licensed counselor. He has a degree in counseling but no license to practice. He operates out of his house and brands himself as a "life coach." She wants to see him because he came to speak to a group of moms that she's involved in which meets at the local church once a week. 

I have problems with this. First, I don't really consider myself a Christian. I don't want to go to a marriage counselor to be preached at and read Bible verses for an hour. I don't judge others but I do not feel comfortable in this setting. Second , the counselor is not licensed and runs his business from home. He told my wife that he doesn't have a payment arrangement with his clients but that he accepts suggested "donations" of $50 per session. 

I expressed my concerns to her and told her I wanted to at least see someone who has a license. She said she doesn't like "psychologists" because she's had bad experiences in IC with them in the past. 

She made an appointment for us to see this guy next week. I do NOT want to go. What should I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you are really wanting to work on the marriage, then I'd go. I'd give it a try..... for HER. Just because she wants to. 

I'd try weird stuff with h if he asked....it's part of the whole partner thing.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

a professional copunselor would be better imo. how does she know this guy? If you arent BOTH comfortable with the counselor its not gonna work


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> If you are really wanting to work on the marriage, then I'd go. I'd give it a try..... for HER. Just because she wants to.
> 
> I'd try weird stuff with h if he asked....it's part of the whole partner thing.


I agree. I would go at least once to check it out. Maybe you can make agreement if you go see her guy then she agrees to see someone you pick. Maybe then you two can make a decision on who to continue to see.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I would not see this person simply because the two of you cannot agree. She has heard him speak and obviously she liked what she heard, you look at him and unlicensed and aren’t comfortable. The whole working out of the house, unlicensed, life coach, accepting donations instead of just having a straight out fee, that stuff in general would make me nervous to start with. 

Your seeking counseling because you are having trouble communicating, and you wont open up because your not comfortable with the situation. You don’t need to see a full blown psychologist but you can find licensed social workers etc. who are capable of helping. I think you are probably better off going with someone who does this for a living and has better credentials than a donation working out of the house.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

He came last year to speak to a group she's involved in. She said she likes what he said. I asked her what she liked about what he said and she couldn't remember - typical. 





anonim said:


> a professional copunselor would be better imo. how does she know this guy? If you arent BOTH comfortable with the counselor its not gonna work


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It can't hurt to give it a try.
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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Try it one time, you might like it and find that he's on your side. If not, use your professional skills and training to argue him in circles until he cries.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

If you agree to go, I would send a message in advance that you are not really into Christianity, are worried that you are going to be preached at and do not want Bible readings.

If he is any good, he will tailor his approach to your preferences.

It is possible to be a Christian without shoving it down other people's throats. Indeed the best way of teaching is by example, which means, among other things, being appropriately sensitive to others.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This is what I'm worried about. I've looked at his website and articles. Everything goes back to bible verses. Again nothing wrong with that but I don't particularly relate to it. 



tryingtobebetter said:


> If you agree to go, I would send a message in advance that you are not really into Christianity, are worried that you are going to be preached at and do not want Bible readings.
> 
> If he is any good, he will tailor his approach to your preferences.
> 
> It is possible to be a Christian without shoving it down other people's throats. Indeed the best way of teaching is by example, which means, among other things, being appropriately sensitive to others.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jd08 said:


> This is what I'm worried about. I've looked at his website and articles. Everything goes back to bible verses. Again nothing wrong with that but I don't particularly relate to it.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is something wrong with it if it's to be the basis of a marriage counseling session and you don't buy it. If your counselor can stick to secular solutions and leave the religion out, it might still work out fine - but you'll have to be sure that he understands this requirement.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Cletus said:


> There is something wrong with it if it's to be the basis of a marriage counseling session and you don't buy it. If your counselor can stick to secular solutions and leave the religion out, it might still work out fine - but you'll have to be sure that he understands this requirement.


I agree. It's a waste of time and money for him to be approaching you from a biblical perspective. If he can't address you from a secular perspective you might as well skip it.

Is she still talking smack about you to her mom?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

She still tells her mom when we are going through sex droughts and tells her that I get upset as a result. That's an issue I intend to address at counseling. 



Nucking Futs said:


> I agree. It's a waste of time and money for him to be approaching you from a biblical perspective. If he can't address you from a secular perspective you might as well skip it.
> 
> Is she still talking smack about you to her mom?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

I wouldn't see this guy, period. You and the wife need a professional MC if things are going to change...I went back and read your first post about the lack of sex in the M. She doesn't want to see a "psychologist" because she had a bad experience during IC:scratchhead: What is she afraid of??? Facing her fears or seeing the truth? Or both

Tell her that MC is focused on the interactions of the relationship and not so much the individual dynamic. Maybe that would be a little comforting to her. You need to find a way to get her to move in that direction so you can be happy again and enjoy your life, wife and child.

Now, as to this self-taught love guru The husband and I had the following happen to us, but doesn't mean it would happen to you...H had a friend from way back that he had reconnected with about 8 years ago. His friend, G, comes from a very close-knit conservative christian family. He hung out with him and the entire extended family...went on trips, weekends, etc. Sometimes our son went with but I never went and hadn't met any of these people. 

Jump to 2011 when the crap hit the fan and things are not going well. We start MC and my H turns to G for advice unbeknownst to me. Now G is M'ed to HS sweetheart and has a few kids. He is a devoted husband and father and very religious. He sees himself as an un-ordained minister and has counseled many people. The husband buys into this because he comes from a religious background as well and really respects G's father...he was like a second father to him while he was growing up. I should also mention that during this time his other close friends included guys from "the cheaters club" or "the wolf pack" so he thought G was the best choice for "saving your marriage" advice.

It is at this time I get to finally meet everyone and even stay with them for a weekend event. A year later things are better and we plan a vacation, one of many that year. H mentions to G that we are going to a resort and G decides that it would be fun for the 4 of us. So we go. One evening G has a bit too much to drink and goes on rant about how it would be okay if we swapped partners for some oral gratification... My hubby almost punched him in the face. Of course the next day G didn't remember anything so we calked it up to being really intoxicated. 

Shortly after returning home, my hubs was talking with a mutual friend that was also receiving counseling from G for his marital problems and tells him what happened on our vaca. The guy proceeds to tell my hubs that G tried to convince him to have sex with his wife (G's wife) while he (G) watched. I'm not sure, but what part of the bible suggests partner swapping as a cure for infidelity


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

jd08 said:


> She still tells her mom when we are going through sex droughts and tells her that I get upset as a result. That's an issue I intend to address at counseling.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand the need for a network, but I've always believed this to be a very bad thing. If she is going to mom, their are issues that you will be trying to deal with the way her father did. 

I think there is something wrong with your wife that is evident with psychologists. That's why she won't go to one who is qualified. This hidden issue, if worked on, may help you both to have a better time with MC. 

I think it's a mistake to go to this guy. You may have to go, just to get her into one with a real counselor, but I think I would talk to a real one first and ask him/her how to handle the situation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Cletus said:


> There is something wrong with it if it's to be the basis of a marriage counseling session and you don't buy it.


Do be aware that this holds true even for secular approaches to counseling. If it's something you absolutely don't buy, or even something that you sort of buy but doesn't seem to really fully address the issues in your marriage, then it isn't going to be effective. 

Imago was that for us.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

No way I'd go to a Religion based counselor unless I was 100% behind said religion. Good luck!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, the bible does specifically address the problems you are having in your marriage..... You can ask him "What does the bible say about involving your mother in your marriage"... "What does the bible say about sex in marriage? "Does the bible say women should sexually reject their husbands?"


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

NO WAY I would go see an unlicensed guy working out of his house and just accepting donations - that's downright not real smart. If wife objects, simply remind her, a licensed "legit" counselor is obligated by law to keep everything said in that room confidential or he'll lose his license and could face civil or criminal charges as well. 

This guy, because he's not licensed in any way, can take anything you two say and post it all over Facebook if he wants to. Not saying he will, but there's nothing to stop him, legally, from sharing your information with anyone he wants to. 

NO WAY would I go see that guy... nope, nope, nope!


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