# Missing the connection you get from making love... H with porn addiction.



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Husband 30, me 35. Married less than 3 years. No kids.

A few months ago I posted a thread re: issues of my semi sex deprived marriage and finally figured out that my H was not interested in having sex with me anymore because he has a porn addiction. He first told me he'd quit, instantly that week he initiated sex more often because he had the needs. I no longer initiate sex because of fear with rejections from him in the past. I gave more bj in hope to save our marriage and tried to get the sex going again. Then lately he's showing no signs of needs again, so I know he's back on his computer. 

I brought it up tonight and H said he understand and he'll try to stop. I know many members here have asked me to just pull the plug, but deep down I really wish I can trust him... 
Suggestions anyone?

Also, even when he was no longer looking online for that month or so, sex still felt like a chore for him. At least that's how I feel. Is that normal? I no longer feel the connection that I got when we had those real sex (lust) or what I would consider "making love" during the first year or 2 of our relationship... It seems like sex is just... sex without feelings. I tried to get him to do it at different places, different position... that seems to just kill the mood for him. He's still most comfortable with his 1,2 positions in bed -_- (he would want it everywhere during the first few months of our relationship)

Obviously I'm back starting a new thread because I'm back where I was, feeling horrible again as a woman who have a startup biz and work as hard as I could to look good everyday. And now with the added lack of connection...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No kids is good, get out now. How can you respect a man/child like this? Get some respect for yourself and move on with your life without him.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

But the honeymoon phase wears off in a year or two. Do you think porn is the real issue? (I watch porn mainly when I'm not getting sex... not the other way round.)



anonymous388 said:


> Husband 30, me 35. Married less than 3 years. No kids.
> 
> A few months ago I posted a thread re: issues of my semi sex deprived marriage and finally figured out that my H was not interested in having sex with me anymore because he has a porn addiction. He first told me he'd quit, instantly that week he initiated sex more often because he had the needs. I no longer initiate sex because of fear with rejections from him in the past. I gave more bj in hope to save our marriage and tried to get the sex going again. Then lately he's showing no signs of needs again, so I know he's back on his computer.
> 
> ...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Is he willing to go to counseling to address is issues?

If yes tell him to go and see if that plays out

If no then pack your bags and get out


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

@Peacem, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm totally not against him turning to porn if he can accommodate both real sex and his fantasy world. Unfortunately its really like he can only do one or the other, and obviously the online world can satisfy him much more than his needs so real sex is like a chore. 

May I ask if you long it took for your husband to finally made the long term change?

No, he won't go to marriage counseling or therapy. He said its not necessary -_-


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

@brownmale, yes, that's what I understand from most of the men I've dated before. Unfortunately, I married one that's the other way around. Once the honeymoon period was over, its porn first... and if he had a choice, he would probably just use porn for his needs without needing me at all. 

He thinks sex is not important in marriage but I don't think he understands that the more he withdraw sex from me, the more we're disconnecting from each other.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Instead of thinking of it as an "addiction" just think of it instead as a habitual routine. Odds are he has been looking at porn for a very long time and has a routine engraved into his personality to masturbate to it. The parts of our brain that create a drive for sex are similar to the parts that create an appetite for food in that they are very primal. 

So look at your situation this way. Hypothetically lets say your husband has a routine of going to get a premium frapoccino caramel coffee with extra whipped cream every morning on his way to work, but now the coffee has been determined by you to be inappropriate (never was to him and never will be), and now you are insisting he only drink your coffee brewed at home everyday instead as that will be much better for him and the two of you as you can drink it together and have quality time together.

Even if you could brew coffee twice as good as the previous one from his routine, you have to realize that it is very difficult to break a routine. Just like when you drive to the grocery store without thinking and make a wrong turn in the direction where you normally have to go to drop your kids at school everyday. 

So this is the point of my advice where I'll tell you that looking at porn and masturbating requires no effort for a guy and can be done almost completely in the subconscious since it has been a long standing routine. I would advise you to accept the changing one's routine will not be easy and make them vulnerable to mistakes. Be patient, present, and encourage him to make healthier decisions. Don't have unrealistic expectation that one can change overnight and understand that mistakes happen out of routine and are not a conscious effort to ignore and hurt the other person. 

If all else fails go to the store and get red food coloring. Each night while you husband is sleeping, dribble some on his balls. Give it a few days and when you see a concerned look on his face ask him if something is bothering him. Tell him that you have noticed red stains in his underwear, and I'll make you up a fake website you can send him to that claims high speed internet porn is so potent that it now can cause nightly testicular bleeding in men in what is commonly referred to on the street as zombie penis. It will scare the crap out of him and then you can help him heal and get him to fall in love with you all over again:

Clip From Warm Bodies (Zombie Movie)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUE6Sh92M-k


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

???? food coloring on his package while he's asleep ????

OK, so he can acknowledge there's a problem. That at least gives you a place to start. Next is creating a new routine for the both of you that brings you together and fills the idle time he would use to be online. Don't worry about the sex part so much as creating "us" time that he can grow to appreciate and look forward to. It's that "quality time" thing. Go for walks, ride bikes, go for a beer and watch a game, play pool, tennis...anything that you two can do together and you both enjoy. If you work on the foundation (ie connection) while replacing the distraction (porn) the better sex should come..... (pun) 
It's possible he's not willing to make a change and if that's the case than you have to be willing to make one for yourself and find a better man. Best of luck.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

@badsanta, thank you for your advice, your food coloring suggestion it made me laugh as well. Many things are easier said and done. Really training my EQ everyday, though I'm not as angry as when I first found out, it is still hard to get through everyday just thinking everything will be ok.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

peacem said:


> Dare I say it - probably 20 years. The thing that finally made him stop was his ED - it frightened him and he knew I was not going to put up with a non-sexual marriage.
> 
> I understand about the therapy, it is not easy to talk about these things with strangers. I honestly believe people who choose porn over sex have some childhood issues or psychological problems. For my H he has had to come to terms with that he was raised in a neglectful family - where he became co-dependent, alongside his mothers ultra conservative religiousness which meant he already had a warped view of sex before we even met. He started using porn the moment we got married because he firstly didn't feel he was very good at sex and needed to learn more, he thought he had PE (but he was just normal) so would use porn to M quickly in a morning so he could last longer with me. It then escalates. Recently he turned back to porn because he was having ED issues and was trying to fix things or hide from it. It was time for him to grow up I suppose.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I was pretty angry the first 2 times around, because he was not opening up and I was really hating myself with the insecurities and self-esteem issue, it wasn't until I pointed out its his porn addiction instead of "nothing", and linking it with intimacy that he finally said he understood and will make a change.

Even this time around he's back at it after a few months it's still really hard to hold back the anger and not blame him for making me feel so insecure with our relationship. I'm really trying to understand and be patient, while trying to gather myself together to have another talk with him hoping that he'll understand what lack of "connection" mean since he's pretty far gone without seeing the importance of that. 

The core of the problem here for me is that I'm afraid he won't or can't understand what making love is anymore (which is what I've been feeling even when he was off the porn). Because if that's the case I don't even know how to repair this marriage.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Shoto1984 said:


> ???? food coloring on his package while he's asleep ????
> 
> OK, so he can acknowledge there's a problem. That at least gives you a place to start. Next is creating a new routine for the both of you that brings you together and fills the idle time he would use to be online. Don't worry about the sex part so much as creating "us" time that he can grow to appreciate and look forward to. It's that "quality time" thing. Go for walks, ride bikes, go for a beer and watch a game, play pool, tennis...anything that you two can do together and you both enjoy. If you work on the foundation (ie connection) while replacing the distraction (porn) the better sex should come..... (pun)
> It's possible he's not willing to make a change and if that's the case than you have to be willing to make one for yourself and find a better man. Best of luck.


@Shoto1984, yup been trying all that. I think tho whenever he have anytime alone or even very late at night like 3am and he can't sleep, he gets up and go hide to do his thing on the net -_- I hate the feeling of thinking that he could be sneaking his porn whenever I'm busy at work or even now when I sleep at night. Its a horrible and lonley feeling really...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is more common than post people realize.

I've been through something similar. He would not do anything to address it. We are now divorced.

Your husband is not going to be able to change this on his own. Find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. They have this that they can instruct him on that will help him end the addiction to porn. I've read that it takes 3 to 6 months of no porn and no masturbating before a man's desire for sex with a life woman comes back. He and you are going to need help.

Here is a site that I think will help give you and him some good info.

Your Brain on Porn


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

First, I am sorry you are here. I recently discovered my husband had this problem as well. 

The past 4 years our sex life was basically dead and he had completely shut down from life. I tried to get him to open up, go to counseling ...to no avail. I caught him in activities that were beyond regular porn and he admitted to it being a problem since age 13. 

I suspected something in February, and did a light confrontation. When I found out the extent of his acting out, I made him leave that very second. He is broken and I cannot fix him, so I have asked to end the marriage and he can go and focus on himself.

Good luck.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I've read that it takes 3 to 6 months of no porn and no masturbating before a man's desire for sex with a life woman comes back. QUOTE]
> 
> I have read this more than once as well. Oddly enough, my husband told me today that as part of his treatment he is still allowed to masturbate, he just can't do or use any material that was causing his addiction. I thought the masturbation was part of the acting out and that should cease for at least a certain amount of time. I did not ask him if he was actually doing it, I am sure he is! He is seeing a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist).
> 
> I know this is different, like an eating disorder. You still need to eat and have sex. You can't avoid your vice like you can drugs or alcohol. But shouldn't there be an abstinence period. I am so confused.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Hi anon,
Out of curiosity, are there any sexual acts that you used to perform but are now off the table?
Is he watching a particular genre?
The answers you're looking for might be simpler than you think.
For some perspective, here's my situation:
Wife is no longer willing to perform certain sexual acts. Sexual frequency was crap (by my standard).
I'm now getting something nearer to the frequency I was chasing but cind myself resorting to porn because I need these things in my life. 
Of course DW is wondering what's going on but how do you explain "nicely" that if you can't do xyz, I'd rather just do it myself for the most part. Sex with DW has become a chore of sorts.
Is any of this ringing any bells?
How to fix it? I do not know.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Even if he gives up the porn and focuses more on you, you say he's a boring and limited lover, only managing a few positions and deflated by variety and creativity. Is that enough for you for a lifetime? His limitations seem to outweigh his potential good points.


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