# is this an emotional affair?



## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

Here's some background - it's a little complicated to say the least. I have been married for 30 years some of the years good some bad like most couples. I do know we are committed to one another and our major problem we have always dealt with is communication. I do know he loves me and I love him and still enjoy an active sex life. That being said here's my dilemma that is causing me so many emotions (betrayal, loss, jealousy,snoopy, feeling Im not important etc) so many I have never felt before and I do not like who I have become from all of this. I realize I am responsible for my feelings but I just cant let them go. Here goes: My husband and I have been friends with a neighbor couple for many years. We were involved in their lives/family stuff.They moved a short distance away. Over the last few years my feelings/relationship has changed towards them. I think they are users,pushy, presumptuous, all about image and that is not me or who I want to surround myself with. I don't really care for them nor do I want to spend time with them. My husbands feels differently and thinks of them like family. My husband walks with the wife at least 4 times a week.
She calls the shots when they walk and calls at 530 am to wake him (me too which i think is wrong)up to walk. A little background on her - she's a family law attorney very aggressive, gets what she wants. He is very dependent on her to walk he says he wouldn't if she didn't. In fact he has said to other's "she's responsible for saving my life" (needs to walk for health reasons) I know he shares his feelings, thoughts, his day etc etc and is very close to her. They share secrets and have pet names for one another. One day he told me she was his best friend and then said she is one of my best friends. This really hurt and was devastating to me. I have tried to tell him how i feel in fact I told him i felt like the third wheel and that I didnt like the relationship he had with her and he responded im just jealous and "you are not going to dictate who my friends are" and that i am controlling. He cant understand how i use to be friends with them and now i don't like them. He also has said "she is like my sister" and gets angry defensive if I approach the subject. He is also very involved in their lives (he's friends also with the husband) and does lots of things for them/their family etc. I really don't know what to do about it. I question myself everyday: am I being crazy?Is it ok to have this kind of relationship with a female friend? All I know is I don't like how i feel or how it has affected our marriage. Any thoughts or perspectives on this?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I think it is, or on the verge of it, more so leaning torwards a yes it is.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

What he is doing is not cool. It's like he is married to another (very pushy, bossy rude ) woman. If any ones controlling it is her, she is calling the shots in your marriage, and that's weird.

I would let him know it was hurtful and unacceptable. I would offer to walk with him, and let him know hes having an EA, that either he stops or you are out of there.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Syrum said:


> What he is doing is not cool. It's like he is married to another (very pushy, bossy rude ) woman. If any ones controlling it is her, she is calling the shots in your marriage, and that's weird.
> 
> I would let him know it was hurtful and unacceptable. I would offer to walk with him, and let him know hes having an EA, that either he stops or you are out of there.


i agree.
have you offered to walk with him instead of him with her?
it seems a bit strange he would tell you she is his best friend, even if he felt that.
that one sounded like a shot at you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's an emotional affair and very inapprorpriate.

Tell her husband you feel uncomfy with their relationshp.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's an emotional affair and very inapprorpriate.
> 
> Tell her husband you feel uncomfy with their relationshp.


yup


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

I have thought of this also - to walk with him but I don't want to walk with her. Maybe I should rethink this? Walking is not my thing never really done it but I am willing to try. They walk 5 to 7 miles in one and half hours so I definitely would need to work up to it. The problem I don't think he would give up her walking with us.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

If it's not an emotional affair yet, then it is very close to being one. Wonder what he would say or do if you had a similar relationship with another man...let's hear him cry and whine and see if he dictates to you who you can and cannot be friends with.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

serenity53 said:


> I have thought of this also - to walk with him but I don't want to walk with her. Maybe I should rethink this? Walking is not my thing never really done it but I am willing to try. They walk 5 to 7 miles in one and half hours so I definitely would need to work up to it. The problem I don't think he would give up her walking with us.


Essentially you are saying he would choose another woman's "friendship" over his marriage. He must have more invested in the friendship then he is letting on.

If the person I loved would choose any body else over me then I would not stay. He is supposed to put you first. This friendship and walking thing was a bad idea to begin with. I think if you love your spouse and are mature you know not to put your self in a situation where you would be investing time and energy and talking intimately with someone of the opposite sex. No other relationship should come before your marriage, it should be top priority.

I would show him this thread if I were you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

And if he calls you jealous and insecure, tell him that yes you are feeling jealous and insecure, and that you married him and trusted him to care for you and your feelings, and not put your marriage in a place that you would have those feelings.


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

Thanks for all of your posts. All of the things that were said I know to be true but I guess I just dont want to face /act on it and what I mean by that is giving him an ultimatum. Fear of being on my own after 30 years is so scary. I try and think of the positives: Im pretty independent, have a great career as a flight attendant,have lots of support from family and friends. Its just so hard....


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

Your husband shouldn't be doing this--the fact that it bothers you this much should be reason enough for him to stop. But that said, it may be too soon to give him an ultimatum. As long as your husband hasn't told you that you can't come along, you might try going with him every time he goes walking with the Other Woman. It would be good for your health too, anyway, and if you have trouble keeping up at first, they should be able to figure out some way to accommodate you. (For example, if they're starting out from a parked car, they could take two short loops instead of one long one, and you could sit out the second one. And be sure to give your husband a big public display of affection when he gets back.)

It's inappropriate for these two to be alone together like this, but if your husband wants to continue the walks, you should always be involved in one way or another, to chaperone, or mark your territory, or whatever. And it would show your husband (and the Other Woman) that you care enough to protect your marriage. Words obviously haven't been working, but getting up at 5:30 a.m. and trying to walk five miles just might.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

paramore said:


> I think it is, or on the verge of it, more so leaning torwards a yes it is.


First of all. I think you have done really well to spot the danger and ask for help!

The thing about emotional affairs is that they develop between people without them acknowledging them. It is very easy to slip form acquittance, friend, special friend, lover.
The fact he said she is his best friend is VERY hurtful. It was the hardest part for me. 25years as best her friend and all of a sudden I'm not?

I think you have caught it in time! 


Now you have look hard at yourself as well as him. Spin on your heal and be the person you are. 
He is getting fit. looking outwards and away from you. Start walking. Ask him about walking shoes! Involve yourself in this activity. You will get fit too! 
Do say to him you are uncomfortable too. Tell him you are feeling insecure. Open the dialog, go to Marriage Counseling. Do whatever you have to do 

You do not want this to go any further..


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

Scottt said:


> Your husband shouldn't be doing this--the fact that it bothers you this much should be reason enough for him to stop. But that said, it may be too soon to give him an ultimatum. As long as your husband hasn't told you that you can't come along, you might try going with him every time he goes walking with the Other Woman. It would be good for your health too, anyway, and if you have trouble keeping up at first, they should be able to figure out some way to accommodate you. (For example, if they're starting out from a parked car, they could take two short loops instead of one long one, and you could sit out the second one. And be sure to give your husband a big public display of affection when he gets back.)
> 
> It's inappropriate for these two to be alone together like this, but if your husband wants to continue the walks, you should always be involved in one way or another, to chaperone, or mark your territory, or whatever. And it would show your husband (and the Other Woman) that you care enough to protect your marriage. Words obviously haven't been working, but getting up at 5:30 a.m. and trying to walk five miles just might.


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

Thanks for your input and I am going to take your advise! You are so right on about this/makes sense and it really is the right thing/approach to do. I think I have been balking at it because I want to do it my way - walk alone with him (because I don't like her and have a lot of resentment towards her) I need to let that go and just do it! Thanks again and I will repost how all this goes.


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

ing said:


> First of all. I think you have done really well to spot the danger and ask for help!
> 
> The thing about emotional affairs is that they develop between people without them acknowledging them. It is very easy to slip form acquittance, friend, special friend, lover.
> The fact he said she is his best friend is VERY hurtful. It was the hardest part for me. 25years as best her friend and all of a sudden I'm not?
> ...


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

I agree ing the most hurtful for me my husband saying she is his "best friend" and then corrected himself "one of my best friends" and then "she is like my sister"(like that made a difference lol) I am really struggling with jealousy issues ( its making me crazy so insecure obsessing over it) like you wouldn't believe and honestly I have never been a jealous person. I don't like how I have become!! By the way, we have been to marriage counseling (8 months ago) and when I talked about what i was feeling and how i didn't like the situation my husband rebutted to the counselor about it only being about his health, that he had been walking with her for years (he use to walk with 2 other woman now its only the OW) and that I use to NOT have a problem with it and now i do so its my issue etc etc. and im nuts...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

serenity53 said:


> that he had been walking with her for years (he use to walk with 2 other woman now its only the OW) and that I use to NOT have a problem with it and now i do so its my issue etc etc. and im nuts...


No.Your not nuts! One person is very different to three! You should go with them. Get fit

Be patient, Be yourself.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

serenity53 said:


> I am really struggling with jealousy issues ( its making me crazy so insecure obsessing over it) like you wouldn't believe and honestly I have never been a jealous person. I don't like how I have become!!


Don't be so hard on yourself--in your situation, it's right and good to feel jealous! Your passion shows that you still care about your marriage and want to save it. And here your husband's going out with another woman on what would look to a lot of guys (at least us older ones) like dates four times a week. I'd worry more about you if you didn't care.

To be fair, your husband may really not get that what he's doing is wrong and hurtful. He's probably a bit flattered and carried away by the attention he's getting from the OW, so even if it doesn't feel quite right to him either, he can always fall back on the argument that women and men can be "just friends." (Typically, they can't.) The OW probably gets it, though. And I wondered earlier if the stuff about her saving his life and being his best friend were really his ideas. They sound more like the OW's words coming out of his mouth, if you ask me.

I agree with ing, too: Walking with three women is much different from walking with just one. Walking with three women might be an odd choice for a guy, but OK; walking with one woman is a date. But if you go along, whether your husband or the OW acknowledge it or not, you will have instantly redefined the situation. In that case, you'd be a couple (you and your husband) out walking with a third wheel (the OW). It's probably the most graceful way to go, at this point.


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

Scottt said:


> Don't be so hard on yourself--in your situation, it's right and good to feel jealous! Your passion shows that you still care about your marriage and want to save it. And here your husband's going out with another woman on what would look to a lot of guys (at least us older ones) like dates four times a week. I'd worry more about you if you didn't care.
> 
> To be fair, your husband may really not get that what he's doing is wrong and hurtful. He's probably a bit flattered and carried away by the attention he's getting from the OW, so even if it doesn't feel quite right to him either, he can always fall back on the argument that women and men can be "just friends." (Typically, they can't.) The OW probably gets it, though. And I wondered earlier if the stuff about her saving his life and being his best friend were really his ideas. They sound more like the OW's words coming out of his mouth, if you ask me.
> 
> I agree with ing, too: Walking with three women is much different from walking with just one. Walking with three women might be an odd choice for a guy, but OK; walking with one woman is a date. But if you go along, whether your husband or the OW acknowledge it or not, you will have instantly redefined the situation. In that case, you'd be a couple (you and your husband) out walking with a third wheel (the OW). It's probably the most graceful way to go, at this point.


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## serenity53 (May 4, 2011)

Thanks scottt - it really helps to get a man's perspective. Two nights ago the "s**t hit the fan. I tried to talk to him about it and told him it was inappropriate. Again he brought it up that I use to not have a problem with it and now I do and its because I don't like her or her husband (remember we were friends for like 10 years) and that is what this is all about. I asked him these questions and said if you answer yes to 3 or more (which he did) you are most likely having an emotional affair. 
Are you sharing your thoughts, problems and feelings etc more with your friend than your spouse?
Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse?
Is this phrase "were just friend" or "he or she is like my brother or sister" your rationalization or justification for your close relationship?
Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse?
Do you tell your friend more about your day than your spouse?
Do you tell your friend about your marital problems/dissatisfaction?
Is alone time and being with your friend important to you?
Do you share secrets?
Do you meet your friend's needs before spouse?
The conversation or I should say fight went all over the place. He tried rationalizing that i tell my friends stuff spend time with them (these are best girlfriends I don't have a male friend outside of the marriage) and that if he told me to stop being friends with them i wouldn't either. I told him its not the same don't you get it??? Oh he said no problem that i could walk with them but as far as accommodating me they have a certain pace/certain distance they do and the OW wouldn't deviate from it (remember its all about when she wants to walk due to her job schedule and she never walks on saturday (day of rest) so my husband always accommodates her never the other way around) so I could do as much as i could and then return. So I decided yesterday to walk with a girlfriend and try and build up my endurance etc. One more thought concerning the OW. I think my husband is in awe of her with her being an attorney becoming one late in life after raising a bunch of kids (her husband doesn't work retired like at 53 - kinda weird i think - he's always bugging my husband to hang out both of these people have a problem taking no for an answer) Why i say awe because if we are with other or mutual friends and were talking about some subject he will bring her up like"OW has done this or that" or "let me ask OW" Again this really gets under my skin. I never in my life have had had such bad feelings for one person - It mades me squirm to say this but I hate the woman and the horse she rode up on and also her sidekick of a husband!!!


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

You have found yourself in a delicate situation. Trust your gut that this isn't right. However, simply demanding he break off contact after ten years just because you want to is tricky, especially because the walking is for his health. 

Have you ever heard people who have gotten divorced say, "we grew apart"? A good marraige is two people looking in the same direction. Think of it this way, when you get married, you don't marry just the person, you marry their family and their life. That means sometimes you may have to bear people you arent crazy about and engage in some activities that arent your favorite. That is called compromise. Granted, he may have to bear some of your requests too. What I am saying is that the solution isn't in your outright demand he stop. You were being honest about your feelings, but I believe if you want a happy marriage again and to be his best friend again, you need to re-engage yourself into his activities. You will need a lot of patience right now. If I were you, Id try to join in as much as possible and not leave them alone. I understand you need to build up to it, but do it. I might also make a request of your husband of marriage counseling again, because you wish to improve your relationship and dont wish to be having these conflicts anymore. He might agree, thinking the counselor will agree with his side, but I think he needs an outside person to explain why this isn't right. Instead of you telling your husband what he is doing wrong, you need to find out what you need to do to be his best friend again, again, I think the counseling will help balance this out and help you two reach a healthy compromise. At the very least, don't leave these two alone if you can help it. If you can't beat em, join em. I know it sucks, but if you are there and cheerful all the time, this other woman may loose her glitz. Remember, you look like the grump right now. I didn't say it's your fault, I'm just asking you to look at it from his perspective and help you fight this unfair fight. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar. It will take time. Don't expect this to turn around in one day. Whatever you do, don't cave into them walking alone.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

serenity53 said:


> Oh he said no problem that i could walk with them but as far as accommodating me they have a certain pace/certain distance they do and the OW wouldn't deviate from it (remember its all about when she wants to walk due to her job schedule and she never walks on saturday (day of rest) so my husband always accommodates her never the other way around) so I could do as much as i could and then return. So I decided yesterday to walk with a girlfriend and try and build up my endurance etc.


I get that your husband and the OW want to keep up a certain pace and distance, but exactly where they walk shouldn't matter, so they can accommodate you nonetheless. If they start out from home, they could make a few short loops instead of one long one, and you could sit out every other one, for example. It's good that you're walking with a friend, too, to build up endurance, but if I were you, I wouldn't leave your husband and the other woman alone for a minute. He said you could go, so do it!

Your husband understands the benefits of exercise, obviously; he said the OW saved his life, so now it's his turn to save yours. Tell him you can't do it without him. Just be positive!


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

serenity53 said:


> One more thought concerning the OW. I think my husband is in awe of her with her being an attorney becoming one late in life after raising a bunch of kids (her husband doesn't work retired like at 53 - kinda weird i think - he's always bugging my husband to hang out both of these people have a problem taking no for an answer) Why i say awe because if we are with other or mutual friends and were talking about some subject he will bring her up like"OW has done this or that" or "let me ask OW" Again this really gets under my skin. I never in my life have had had such bad feelings for one person - It mades me squirm to say this but I hate the woman and the horse she rode up on and also her sidekick of a husband!!!


I'm sorry for you that you're in this situation--it must be really terrible. This couple sounds pretty creepy, if you ask me, but as long as your husband's under their spell, it's probably best to stay as close as you can to keep an eye on him. I hope for your sake they move on eventually.


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