# Wife Left Me for Her Married Boss



## sczinger

My WS wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day.
I had a regular 9-5, and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite some time. We were married after an 8-year engagement later in September of 2016. She worked late nights, and I worked days.

We loved each other dearly and valued the times we were both off together, usually late, late weekend nights and the two evenings a week she would be off when I got home at 5.30 PM.

I am 57, and she is ten years younger, both in good shape. Her kids are grown and out of the house as is my one daughter. This is the second marriage for both of us. In September of 2017, shortly after our 1 year anniversary, she seemed to act a little different. Just my gut talking.

She would work most Friday and Saturday nights till the restaurant closed at 12 and count money. It seemed to be taking a little longer, however. I felt compelled to track her with an iPad for three weeks. I did this for about three weeks and discovered nothing. I felt terrible that I would even suspect anything. We got along great, never argued and had a wonderful sex life. I decided to remove the iPad the next day. The next morning, when she was off work, she texted me she was running to the store and asked if there was anything I needed. I said no. 20 minutes later iCloud showed she was at a park at 9 am about a mile from the restaurant she worked. I jumped in my car and went to the location and found her truck and her general managers, AP, truck parked nose to nose. I walked up to his truck where both of them were “talking inside” and knocked.

She was very quiet as she stepped out. I said “so this is what it feels like” and drove away. My next actions show how a person’s mind can hear and think what it wants and how the WS can prey on those emotions of the BS that dearly loves them. She told me later at home that he had been chewed out by the owner regarding the restaurant’s financial numbers and needed to talk. She apologized for lying about where she was.

Because of her impeccable past with me I tended to believe her. I wanted to believe her. Two months later as I returned home at the end of the day and after she had acted perfectly normal, she suddenly said she was not “in love with me anymore” and was going to move out. She started blaming me saying things like "I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people" That I had all of her pet peeves and she wanted to travel more and go to concerts and blah, blah blah... I'm sure he has promised her travel and going out more, and she thinks the grass is greener.

She had gotten her tax check that day and had the funds to move out. She told me she didn't want anything from the marriage. It became a business at that point so I filed immediately, no kids, and uncontested by her, the divorce was final in 10 days. She moved out within a week. The OM wife got in touch and asked if I thought there was something going on between the two of them. I had not shared the meeting in the park with anyone to that point, but I felt impelled to share it with her. She had been tracking his emails and texts. Now, the AP is spending time at her new apartment while the APs wife confronted him with all the emails and texts. He asked for a separation, but his wife went ahead and filed for divorce, not what he wanted. His wife and I have compared notes and everything jives. Both marriages have now ended in divorce and I've chosen not to receive any updates about them form his wife. So far as I know, it is still a secret at their work. I have gone no contact since she moved out. She has emailed me a couple of times needed some little things she left behind. I did not respond, simply mailed them to her.

The two of them continue to deny having a "relationship" before the divorce, even though they both know they were tracked and the body of evidence his wife and I have amassed. None of this should matter to me since I’m single again, but still going through the grieving process.

I want her to know that I am aware of all her lying and cheating to give me some closure. I can’t begin to think this will last for them since he has an 11-year-old daughter and his wife has not worked for seven years.

With all that she has done, I still love who she was and miss her dearly. I could never take her back if this fails for her. I hope I couldn't.


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## bandit.45

I'm sorry this happened to you. Just understand that none of this was your fault. Your exWW will end up repeating this same behavior throughout the rest of her life. 

Was she divorced from her previous husband before she met you? Have you ever talked to her ex to ask if she had cheated on him?


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## sczinger

I met her shortly after her ex-took his own life. Makes me wonder now what drove him to it. And she did tell me years down the road she cheated on him. She somehow justified to me. Love is blind I suppose.


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## personofinterest

First, her affair is NOT your fault. It was 100% her choice no matter what else was going on in life. Period.

I do want to ask though, why an 8 year engagement? Who wanted to wait so long?


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## sczinger

Some legal and financial issues from my first marriage took a couple of years, but I think I drug my feet a bit with no pressure from her until the last couple of years before we were engaged.


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## jlg07

Sorry man, that Sucks. You may want to drop the dime on them with the owners of the restaraunt about their affair. Letting them keep quiet about it does no good. At least you will let her know that YOU knew about it and get that resolved in your head.


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## Evinrude58

Yeah dude, she cheated on the man and he never got over it. Don't be that guy. Put this cheating low-life behind you. You're hopefully old enough to understand what a narcissist is, and how charming they can be until the sheep's clothing comes off and you see the real person. 

She WAS NOT and IS NOT the person you remember and love. You love the role she played. Not the actor she is.

"I wanted to believe her. Two months later as I returned home at the end of the day and after she had acted perfectly normal, she suddenly said she was not “in love with me anymore” and was going to move out. She started blaming me saying things like "I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people" ".

Get it? She ACTED perfectly normal. She's been acting the whole time. ACTING like a person of character. ACTING like she had strong feelings for you, when she really just liked how you made her feel at the time. ACTING like a decent human.

Sir, it is giving up your own dignity to waste any more thoughts on this person. Go on with your life and I wish you luck finding a woman who does actually have the characteristics you desire, not a woman who is a good actor. Lots of actors out there. Users, if only using you for their own emotional needs.


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## Evinrude58

And yes, in this case, I WOULD tell the owners about their affair. The owners of the restaurant need to know the character of the people they employ.


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## sczinger

jlg07 said:


> Sorry man, that Sucks. You may want to drop the dime on them with the owners of the restaurant about their affair. Letting them keep quiet about it does no good. At least you will let her know that YOU knew about it and get that resolved in your head.


Oh, the owner knows. But he is very good friends with the AP. It is a solely owned establishment and very high end. He'll do nothing about and probably has slapped him on the back. A couple of ankles. She know's I know everything. She is in denial. Completely took herself off of FB because she was getting so many nasty messages from so many people. I didn't want her to be in control of the narrative so I told anyone that asked me. We were the "happiest couple people knew". All were shocked to find out when it happened. Of course, now that they are both divorced they are saying they were just good friends but going through their respective divorces together brought them closer and now they have feelings for each other. Textbook.


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## Evinrude58

Then people already know they are morally corrupt, and will treat them accordingly. You do the same. 

You now have the opportunity to meet a woman who is who you think she is. ENJOY IT BRO!

Life sucks, but it can be the other way as well. Especially when we stop shooting ourselves in the foot with thoughts of the past, and start living the present. Move forward to the next one! ENjoy! You still have your health.


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## Spicy

First off, welcome to TAM, but I am very sorry for the reason you found yourself here.

Good for you that you followed your gut on investigation, and then when you got your answer, you divorced her immediately, rather than believing her lies. Frankly, you will probably always love who you thought she was. And that's ok sweetheart. 

I hope your healing process goes as smooth as possible, and that when you fall in love again, it will be for the last time. Please feel free to stay with us on this forum. There are lots of great people here, and YOU would be a very welcome addition, oa person to give excellent advice to others who find themselves in this lousy situation. There is healing in giving back. Hugs to you.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Evin is right! Time to enjoy it. Your still young enough to get some game. And you obviously can spot tigers in the grass now. No b cluster type girls for you sir...

Your 57? Sexy silverback. The best way to win at this game, and to give your brain the mental jolt it needs is to toss this experience into the trash heap and start making new ones that fit you. And are deserved by you. She destroys herself, but you just move right along and live life better. Be that king. Sorry it happened, but atleast she didn't take anything, and you in the poor house. Sunny side up moment right? Take care, and I will keep cheering you on.


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## jlg07

"because she was getting so many nasty messages from so many people. I didn't want her to be in control of the narrative so I told anyone that asked me. We were the "happiest couple people knew". All were shocked to find out when it happened." Also you said it's a secret at work, but if the owner knows, then most others will also.

This being the case, they can TRY to say whatever they want, but the real story is already out there. Since this is well known, then move on. Forget her and her cheating. Move on as if she never existed. Go enjoy life and find someone else who will appreciate you. Just keep your eyes open for any red flags early in any relationship and move on if you find them....


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## wilson

sczinger said:


> I want her to know that I am aware of all her lying and cheating to give me some closure.


It's unlikely you'll get the closure you need. She won't be contrite. She's morally deficient. What if she laughs and says she doesn't care? She may enjoy the fact that she's occupying space in your thoughts and you're bringing drama to her life.

Living well is the absolute best revenge in this case. Have fun dating and live life large. She's about to get slapped in the face with the reality of being with a guy who's broke from paying child support and alimony, with his puberty-age daughter hating her because of the divorce. Combine that with the fact that they are both cheaters, and it's a certainty things are going to get rocky. Just live a great life and she'll look back with deep regret at giving up what she had.


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## Evinrude58

wilson said:


> It's unlikely you'll get the closure you need. She won't be contrite. She's morally deficient. What if she laughs and says she doesn't care? *
> [*]She may enjoy the fact that she's occupying space in your thoughts and you're bringing drama to her life.*
> 
> Living well is the absolute best revenge in this case. Have fun dating and live life large. She's about to get slapped in the face with the reality of being with a guy who's broke from paying child support and alimony, with his puberty-age daughter hating her because of the divorce. Combine that with the fact that they are both cheaters, and it's a certainty things are going to get rocky. Just live a great life and she'll look back with deep regret at giving up what she had.


Yep, read this post carefully. Spot on advice.


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## bandit.45

No doubt her cheating ways drove her first husband to off himself. 

What a disgusting waste of carbon and water she is.


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## Lostinthought61

if i were you i would be going out of my way to help the om wife, make it a point to have him see you with her...this will drive him crazy and in turn piss off your ex.


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## arbitrator

sczinger said:


> I met her shortly after her ex-took his own life. Makes me wonder now what drove him to it. And she did tell me years down the road she cheated on him. She somehow justified to me. Love is blind I suppose.


*That's the primary reason that I could never date anyone who had cheated on a prior spouse of theirs!

Gut instincts, IMHO, are premonitions from God and are the most reliable indicator there is regarding someone cheating on you. Your experience with it is certainly no exception!

I wish you well my friend! Sorry that this has happened to you! Welcome to the TAM Family!*


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lostinthought61 said:


> if i were you i would be going out of my way to help the om wife, make it a point to have him see you with her...this will drive him crazy and in turn piss off your ex.


Take her to "their" restaurant. 

*I shouldn't like this as something for OP to do....but I do. OP could do for his entertainment, nothing more.


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## Spicy

ragnar ragnasson said:


> take her to "their" restaurant.
> 
> *i shouldn't like this as something for op to do....but i do. Op could do for his entertainment, nothing more.


epic idea


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## skerzoid

Hmmmm, she was probably hoping to a quicker & cleaner end like her first marriage. But you were much stronger than that last guy.

She is a biotch of the first magnitude. Move on and good riddance.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

I doubt you will ever get closure. Best just to leave that circus behind and try and forget about it. A little distance and you won't even care anymore.


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## MThomas

I worked in the restaurant biz going through college. My wife did in retail, not much difference. You meet some great people but you also run across people with issues, demons, and addictions. Our jobs helped us out a great deal through the lean college years. We married in college with a promise to never return to the restaurant scene unless we were about to starve to death.

I am most certain I am headed for divorce. There is no way I would consider dating a woman in the restaurant field, retail can be thrown in too. District / regional would not apply, I am referring to the workers. I myself could never do it again, work in those fields. Super drama, infighting, who is better than who, I'm you're boss (then act like one and get that damn powder off the end of your nose).

I am not saying ALL are but a plenty are. Most do not do background checks nor drug testing. OP was your ex ever in the industry before? Knowing her first H committed suicide would have made me do plenty of investigating. But it's over now. Chalk it up as a mistake and try not to repeat it. But hell what do I know? I'm hitting the D roller coaster. My additions may not even be helpful.

The OMs wife has to know a super hot relative. Maybe in her 30s. Take her to the place your ex works. Trust me the OM will hear about it, many times. Always worked when I saw it happen years ago.

Best wishes to you OP. I'm sorry you are here. Hell I'm sorry I am here.


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## *Deidre*

sczinger said:


> My WS wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day.
> I had a regular 9-5, and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite some time. We were married after an 8-year engagement later in September of 2016. She worked late nights, and I worked days.
> 
> We loved each other dearly and valued the times we were both off together, usually late, late weekend nights and the two evenings a week she would be off when I got home at 5.30 PM.
> 
> I am 57, and she is ten years younger, both in good shape. Her kids are grown and out of the house as is my one daughter. This is the second marriage for both of us. In September of 2017, shortly after our 1 year anniversary, she seemed to act a little different. Just my gut talking.
> 
> She would work most Friday and Saturday nights till the restaurant closed at 12 and count money. It seemed to be taking a little longer, however. I felt compelled to track her with an iPad for three weeks. I did this for about three weeks and discovered nothing. I felt terrible that I would even suspect anything. We got along great, never argued and had a wonderful sex life. I decided to remove the iPad the next day. The next morning, when she was off work, she texted me she was running to the store and asked if there was anything I needed. I said no. 20 minutes later iCloud showed she was at a park at 9 am about a mile from the restaurant she worked. I jumped in my car and went to the location and found her truck and her general managers, AP, truck parked nose to nose. I walked up to his truck where both of them were “talking inside” and knocked.
> 
> She was very quiet as she stepped out. I said “so this is what it feels like” and drove away. My next actions show how a person’s mind can hear and think what it wants and how the WS can prey on those emotions of the BS that dearly loves them. She told me later at home that he had been chewed out by the owner regarding the restaurant’s financial numbers and needed to talk. She apologized for lying about where she was.
> 
> Because of her impeccable past with me I tended to believe her. I wanted to believe her. Two months later as I returned home at the end of the day and after she had acted perfectly normal, she suddenly said she was not “in love with me anymore” and was going to move out. She started blaming me saying things like "I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people" That I had all of her pet peeves and she wanted to travel more and go to concerts and blah, blah blah... I'm sure he has promised her travel and going out more, and she thinks the grass is greener.
> 
> She had gotten her tax check that day and had the funds to move out. She told me she didn't want anything from the marriage. It became a business at that point so I filed immediately, no kids, and uncontested by her, the divorce was final in 10 days. She moved out within a week. The OM wife got in touch and asked if I thought there was something going on between the two of them. I had not shared the meeting in the park with anyone to that point, but I felt impelled to share it with her. She had been tracking his emails and texts. Now, the AP is spending time at her new apartment while the APs wife confronted him with all the emails and texts. He asked for a separation, but his wife went ahead and filed for divorce, not what he wanted. His wife and I have compared notes and everything jives. Both marriages have now ended in divorce and I've chosen not to receive any updates about them form his wife. So far as I know, it is still a secret at their work. I have gone no contact since she moved out. She has emailed me a couple of times needed some little things she left behind. I did not respond, simply mailed them to her.
> 
> The two of them continue to deny having a "relationship" before the divorce, even though they both know they were tracked and the body of evidence his wife and I have amassed. None of this should matter to me since I’m single again, but still going through the grieving process.
> 
> I want her to know that I am aware of all her lying and cheating to give me some closure. I can’t begin to think this will last for them since he has an 11-year-old daughter and his wife has not worked for seven years.
> 
> With all that she has done, I still love who she was and miss her dearly. I could never take her back if this fails for her. I hope I couldn't.


Sorry that you're here with this. Do you feel that your ex wife is a good person who made a bad mistake? Or do you think you overlooked things (red flags) at other times in the marriage, because you were in love? Not necessarily that she was going to cheat on you, but that she wasn't as happy and fulfilled as you were?


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## Openminded

She cheated on her previous husband and she cheated on you. She never was who you thought. It's possible when her new relationship fails, as it's likely to do, that she'll see if she can rekindle things with you. Don't.


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## manfromlamancha

Out of curiosity, how old is the OM ?


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## MattMatt

Evinrude58 said:


> And yes, in this case, I WOULD tell the owners about their affair. The owners of the restaurant need to know the character of the people they employ.


Yes, indeed! If he will abuse his position by seducing an employee who is junior to him, there's no telling what else he might do. Skimming off the tips, running a scam on the bar takings, etc.

The owners need to know.


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## MattMatt

Openminded said:


> She cheated on her previous husband and she cheated on you. She never was who you thought. It's possible when her new relationship fails, as it's likely to do, that she'll see if she can rekindle things with you. Don't.


She has Relational ADHD, can't commit to anyone for any length of time.


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## Betrayedone

Dude.......You have got this wired! You are so far ahead of the game as compared to most people. You have minimized your grieving process which is good. Now finish her off, cut the ties and move on to funland......No reason to ever get married again in today's environment. Enjoy the ride, so to speak.......


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## Lady of the Lake

These circumstances stun and hurt. Sorry it happened to you. Your last paragraph is something to understand...that you loved who you thought she was and you hope you wouldn’t open the door for another round. She showed you who she is. The other side of her is a mirage. It doesn’t feel like it right now but you’re lucky that you found out so soon and it didn’t cost you financially. I chose to ignore red flags in previous relationships, rationalizing for my purposes. It was a costly mistake in terms of loss of years, my dignity and a lot of pain. They say when someone shows you who they are believe them. I finally did and I hope you will too.


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## Jharp

Spicy said:


> First off, welcome to TAM, but I am very sorry for the reason you found yourself here.
> 
> Good for you that you followed your gut on investigation, and then when you got your answer, you divorced her immediately, rather than believing her lies. Frankly, you will probably always love who you thought she was. And that's ok sweetheart.
> 
> I hope your healing process goes as smooth as possible, and that when you fall in love again, it will be for the last time. Please feel free to stay with us on this forum. There are lots of great people here, and YOU would be a very welcome addition, oa person to give excellent advice to others who find themselves in this lousy situation. There is healing in giving back. Hugs to you.



I don't think any of us found TAM by being happy. We were all looking for answers concerning odd or bad behavior from our spouses. Or to find some kind of solace. I'm not even married and I found some answers to questions I didn't even know I had.


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## sczinger

That is my main frustration/hurt/depression/...name the stage of grieving here______. There was no indication. It was the business of loving as usual. When we were off at the same time we talked and laughed, went to dinner during the week(she always worked weekend nights). Even looking back now with my "new perspective" the only thing I can pinpoint are some of the things that red flagged that some type of infidelity had begun. Before September of 2017.... nothing. Normal. It's as if something in her just snapped. She was going through the change of life as well. With her job, menopause... It was just the perfect storm to reveal her weakness.


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## sczinger

The OM is 42, 5 years younger than her.


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## sczinger

"Yes, indeed! If he will abuse his position by seducing an employee who is junior to him, there's no telling what else he might do. Skimming off the tips, running a scam on the bar takings, etc."

That's interesting. The OMs now ex said he always has tons of cash in his wallet. Inordinate amounts.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Yeah, she's a cold-hearted *****.

If your avatar is a current picture of you, then I'll just say this.

Not only is she a cold-hearted *****, but she's an imbecile.

That is all.


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## sczinger

Thank you. The pic is 6 months old.


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## sczinger

Only now after 5 months is she starting to reach out to her friends to make up with them. It infuriates me. It’s like she is winning and I am losing. I know at some point a few of them will welcome her back. I didn’t have the affair. I’m the one that has experienced the pain and they are going to accept her back, especially her girlfriends that know what she did to me and the APs family. That just kills me.


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## Tatsuhiko

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, she's a cold-hearted *****.
> 
> If your avatar is a current picture of you, then I'll just say this.
> 
> Not only is she a cold-hearted *****, but she's an imbecile.
> 
> That is all.


Yeah, I was going to say I hope I look like him when I'm 57.

OP, I'm thinking you can do much better!


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## Marc878

Life is not necessarily fair. You never really knew her only being married a year.

You have zero control over her or her friends. Block everything. Going completely dark and time is you're only good choice. You don't have much options here.

At this time the only one who can keep you in this mess is you. Easier said than done but....


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## SentHereForAReason

sczinger said:


> Only now after 5 months is she starting to reach out to her friends to make up with them. It infuriates me. It’s like she is winning and I am losing. I know at some point a few of them will welcome her back. I didn’t have the affair. I’m the one that has experienced the pain and they are going to accept her back, especially her girlfriends that know what she did to me and the APs family. That just kills me.


This is how it goes, sorry man, I know it hurts because it doesn't seem just or fair but I have learned to live with it an move on. At one point my STBXW's entire family was on my side as we attempted to save the marriage, etc but sooner or later, they have their own lives and fatigue sets in and they make up. With friends, they just really don't want to deal with it anymore and block out the bad in an attempt to move on with life was, to forgive and forget. Since it hasn't happened to them it's hard to relate.

Move on with peace, forget about what she is doing and go out and make the best life you can possible. She will get what's fair but usually when you have reached the point of not caring and have already moved on to something and someone that brings you even more happiness.


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## sczinger

I have blocked everything. In fact, she was getting so much hate mail she took herself off FB. I have religiously been no contact for 5 months. Maybe I'm the exception but I don't want to see her, hear from her...anything, for the rest of my life.


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## Marc878

sczinger said:


> I have blocked everything. In fact, she was getting so much hate mail she took herself off FB. I have religiously been no contact for 5 months. Maybe I'm the exception but I don't want to see her, hear from her...anything, for the rest of my life.


Nice job. That's really all you can do. Time will fix the rest.


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## sczinger

Marc878 said:


> Nice job. That's really all you can do. Time will fix the rest.


I hope sooner than later, Marc878. I know it's only been 5 months but I'm just tired of the feeling great one day, especially after I talk with my therapist, to the next day just feeling like I'm out of control. Waiting for it to subside. Truth is if I put her in a lineup with 10 of the prettiest woman I've known, I would not pick her based on appearance alone. But that is not what I fell in love with. It was her spirit. Maybe that was fake too. I can't imagine being able to put up a front for 10 years...


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## jlg07

If her "friends" that are friends with you will welcome her back after what she did, they are no friends of yours. You don't need them, and you should tell them that to their face. If they want to be friends with someone who can do that, why would YOU want to be friends with them?

Sorry you are dealing with this, but things will get better.


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> Only now after 5 months is she starting to reach out to her friends to make up with them. It infuriates me. It’s like she is winning and I am losing. I know at some point a few of them will welcome her back. I didn’t have the affair. I’m the one that has experienced the pain and they are going to accept her back, especially her girlfriends that know what she did to me and the APs family. That just kills me.


Stop think about being with her as winning. She is a married women who went for a married man. She is overall a net loss so be happy that you have gotten rid of her. You can't think of her as you key to happiness, she is not. You can still have a great happy life without her. No one will ever feel about her the same way. Deep down even she knows she is garbage.

By now this is not a problem of your wife, it's a problem of your perspective.


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## sczinger

I don't want to have her back. I want to get to the point where if she were to come back I could simply say Thanks but no thanks instead of the vindictive answer I would give now. And you're right...when I start getting worked up about all the good things I miss about her, all the great times we had and missing her and thinking poorly of myself that I couldn't keep her, I end up telling myself.."She cheated on you, she was unfaithful, she broke our marriage vows, she slept with another man while she was sleeping with you!!! All the time acting as if she was in love with me now as she was ten years ago". Then I feel better for another day till the whole process begins again... Ugh. That is what I'm hoping time takes care of. That stupid line of thinking.


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> I don't want to have her back. I want to get to the point where if she were to come back I could simply say Thanks but no thanks instead of the vindictive answer I would give now. And you're right...when I start getting worked up about all the good things I miss about her, all the great times we had and missing her and thinking poorly of myself that I couldn't keep her, I end up telling myself.."She cheated on you, she was unfaithful, she broke our marriage vows, she slept with another man while she was sleeping with you!!! All the time acting as if she was in love with me now as she was ten years ago". Then I feel better for another day till the whole process begins again... Ugh. That is what I'm hoping time takes care of. That stupid line of thinking.


It will I promise you that time will help you heal, once you fall in love with someone else you healing will be complete. It's the love you feel for this women that gives what she did so much power, once the love is gone the power goes away as well. 

Few things to remember. 

The years you had that were good don't go away, they will be tainted, true. You might want to look at it like seeing a movie, even though some of it wasn't real it was still fun while it was happening. I am sure for a lot of it she loved you in her own dysfunctional way. A better way to think about it is you succeeded, you were able to love a women long term and be a good husband. That means you can do it again with someone better. Maybe there are things you can improve upon but in the end you didn't end the marriage. Where you failed is that you picked a broken person who maybe even held on as long as she could, but her brokenness means she is not a good person for marriage, she can't do it. But most of us who end up in this situation have that happen because we had no idea someone could be this way. Why would we, we are decent moral people. It's only when it happens do you realize how emotionally dangerous these folks are. You had no context. Now you do. Believe me we have all been there. Just make sure you learn from this. People's past are very important when you are choosing a mate. 

Another way to look at your history is that you lived it but it's done, so holding on to someone because of it is just not worth it. You can't relive history so treating it like currency held in a bank is a mistake, it's more like money that is spent you won't get it back. However there was never going to be a future with this women, she was a time bomb and eventually something was going to trigger her to go off. She is not capable of happily ever after because again she is broken. This had nothing to do with you, it's all about her. She is expecting someone to fix her brokenness but a person is not going to solve the hole in her soul. 

If she really cheated on her first husband and he killed himself because of it how she could just move on to another relationship? (What was the timeline on this? Were you around then?) So this happens and then a decade later she does it again? That shows what person she really is, how despicable. Who know what she is capable of or if she even has feelings at all. This however is not a truly functioning human being, her ability to do this also means she has no ability to make connections that don't involve a selfish motive. Which means even with these connections she is truly alone. That is it's own hell I suspect which is probably what drives her cruelty and relentlessness. Imagine if everything in your life was like how you feel about your TV? How empty that would be, to not have the richness of caring about someone more then yourself. Of not being able to give more of yourself then your own emotional safety. Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all right? These types of people are incapable of love. That is their punishment. 

You need to discipline your mind to think this way. Write it down on paper and read it every time you feel this way. It will force your brain to make neural connections around this so eventually your brain with just go there. 

Finally have the courage to allow yourself to have hope. There are tens of thousands of women out there that you have to potential to create a happy future with. Once you heal you can do that, but while you are waiting to heal have some hope in that future. Your life didn't end, you can find someone who you feel just as strongly about and if you pick right you may even have a better future, plus all the excitement that comes with the newness of it. That is something to get excited about.

Plus you look like Patrick Dempsey so that gives you an advantage in the beginning.


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## Hope Shimmers

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, she's a cold-hearted *****.
> 
> *If your avatar is a current picture of you, then I'll just say this.
> 
> Not only is she a cold-hearted *****, but she's an imbecile.
> 
> That is all.*



HELL yeah, I'll second that. And third and fourth. 

You can do way better, and she is an idiot.


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## BluesPower

sczinger said:


> I hope sooner than later, Marc878. I know it's only been 5 months but I'm just tired of the feeling great one day, especially after I talk with my therapist, to the next day just feeling like I'm out of control. Waiting for it to subside. Truth is if I put her in a lineup with 10 of the prettiest woman I've known, I would not pick her based on appearance alone. But that is not what I fell in love with. It was her spirit. Maybe that was fake too. *I can't imagine being able to put up a front for 10 years...*


Brother this happens all the time. I finally figured out after 26 freaking years of hell, that my ExW never really loved me, at all. 

The hell that she put me through was/is unimaginable. But now, she gets to live in a crappy rent house, with a roommate, and work for a living at a 10$ a hour job. And I will have her paid off in seven years. 

And while I don't like paying that debt out, it is the best money I have ever spent...


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## Evinrude58

Time will help. Moving forward makes it better and eventually fixes it. Getting healthy and meeting a woman that you have confidence in her character and falling madly in love with---- your ex wife will not even blip your radar. 
You'll go days and possibly weeks without her ever crossing your mind.

You'll get through this. But it's hard, especially at first.


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## sczinger

Well, thanks for the Dempsey reference... Right now I feel more like McDepressed. lol. So it sounds like 5-6 months is nothing after a 10-year relationship. 'sokillme' I literally laughed out loud at this "Imagine if everything in your life was like how you feel about your TV?" That was awesome. In fact, I've printed your entire paragraph. You know she did do a lot of things for me the first 8 1/2 years. We both gave equally to each other emotionally. It was only after the "I do's" and the new night job in the restaurant industry that things changed for her. Again, just the perfect storm.


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> Well, thanks for the Dempsey reference... Right now I feel more like McDepressed. lol. So it sounds like 5-6 months is nothing after a 10-year relationship. 'sokillme' I literally laughed out loud at this "Imagine if everything in your life was like how you feel about your TV?" That was awesome. In fact, I've printed your entire paragraph. You know she did do a lot of things for me the first 8 1/2 years. We both gave equally to each other emotionally. It was only after the "I do's" and the new night job in the restaurant industry that things changed for her. Again, just the perfect storm.


Unfortunately the way her mind works is you are like a possession, not a person or a partner.

I am glad I could help, I remember the feeling, like the pain would never go away. I remember asking people is this really going to go away? They all told me it would and I am grateful for that, it's why I post on here. To pay it back. Once you heal be sure to do the same. People who go through the trauma you are going through now really need support, the world is too busy singing songs about how romantic infidelity is, or how it's really just self discovery then helping them. 

If those suffering like me and those causing the suffering don't then I must be doing the right thing.


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## Lostinthought61

did you ever go see the OM's wife?


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## sczinger

Yes. It's funny, the week and a half before my ex moved out I had "friended" the OM wife on FB. I thought better of it and canceled the request. Turns out it stays in her notifications until she checks them. She messaged me and asked:

OM wife: "Did you accidentally friend request me?" 
ME: "No..."
OM wife: "You are WS's husband, aren't you?" 
ME: "Yes" 
OM wife: "Do you think there is something going on between them?"
ME: "Yes"
OM wife: "Can you call me in 10 minutes after my daughter goes to bed?"

After the phone call, it was on... We had lunch 2 days later and compared notes. My story about them meeting in the park, her pulling up text and phone records for that morning, and scores of other significant events leading up to all of this jive. Puzzle pieces all fit together. She had been tracking his phone for a few months and he would always turn his off the nights my ex got home extremely late/early. The OM wife did not present all the information to the AP until mediation was over and signed so as to not upset him and get less in the settlement. He, of course, denied all of it even with the evidence right before him.


Sorry...didn't mean to duplicate below...


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## sczinger

Yes. It's funny, the week and a half before my ex moved out I had "friended" the OM wife on FB. I thought better of it and canceled the request. Turns out it stays in her notifications until she checks them. She messaged me and asked:

OM wife: "Did you accidentally friend request me?" 
ME: "No..."
OM wife: "You are WS's husband, aren't you?" 
ME: "Yes" 
OM wife: "Do you think there is something going on between them?"
ME: "Yes"
OM wife: "Can you call me in 10 minutes after my daughter goes to bed?"

After the phone call, it was on... We had lunch 2 days later and compared notes. My story about them meeting in the park, her pulling up text and phone records for that morning that substantiated their plan to meet, and scores of other significant events in the couple of months leading up to all of this. It all jived. Puzzle pieces all fit together. She had been tracking his phone for a few months and he would always turn his off the nights my ex got home extremely late/early. The OM wife did not present all the information to the AP until mediation was over and signed so as to not upset him and get less in the settlement. He, of course, denied all of it even with the evidence right before him.


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## manknot

yeah the same behavior goes on lifetime...


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## Lostinthought61

just to rub it in their face, (yeah i can be a **** sometimes) i would take the OM's wife to dinner or lunch at the restaurant when both of them are working...just to rub it in their face...


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## BluesPower

Lostinthought61 said:


> just to rub it in their face, (yeah i can be a **** sometimes) i would take the OM's wife to dinner or lunch at the restaurant when both of them are working...just to rub it in their face...


Frankly, I would go a LOT further than that....


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## BarbedFenceRider

Now with that knowledge, go forth and live well. And deposit that energy and love into yourself....Be strong, we are all pulling for you.


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## sczinger

It's pretty amazing. My brother went through the same things years ago. I asked him when this feeling was going to end. He said "Everyone is different. But one day, after you are just tired of feeling that way, you will wake up one morning and feel like "What a waste of time worrying about her." " I felt that for the first time yesterday morning. Thought about just how fortunate that she didn't wait another ten years, that it only cost me $148.00 for the divorce, that she left 90% of all her belongings legally signed over to me in the divorce decree, that my landlord, who is the same age as me, reduced the rent on the house from $1200 to $900 a month. There is so much upside for me. I'd been saying it to myself the whole time. I just couldn't appreciate it until just now. There will still be triggers and firsts, I realize, but the bigger picture is starting to become much more clear. I'm riding this wave as long as I can.


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## bandit.45

sczinger said:


> Well, thanks for the Dempsey reference... Right now I feel more like McDepressed. lol. So it sounds like 5-6 months is nothing after a 10-year relationship. 'sokillme' I literally laughed out loud at this "Imagine if everything in your life was like how you feel about your TV?" That was awesome. In fact, I've printed your entire paragraph. You know she did do a lot of things for me the first 8 1/2 years. We both gave equally to each other emotionally. It was only after the "I do's" and the new night job in the restaurant industry that things changed for her. Again, just the perfect storm.


Sczinger do yourself a favor...next time do not marry a woman who works in the restaurant industry. 

I just built two very high-end Italian restaurants in Houston last year and, in working closely with the managers and staff, I got a brief glimpse into that world. What I saw were extremely passionate and very drama-loving people who worked every day with no days off, 80 plus hours a week. They seem to live in a kind of cuccooned existence, much like the medical industry...which is an industry also rife with adultery. I would imagine your WW was caught up in this lifestyle and it has become a habit for her.

You sound like the exception to the rule, which is why I recommend you date people from outside your industry.


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## bandit.45

sczinger said:


> It's pretty amazing. My brother went through the same things years ago. I asked him when this feeling was going to end. He said "Everyone is different. But one day, after you are just tired of feeling that way, you will wake up one morning and feel like "What a waste of time worrying about her." " I felt that for the first time yesterday morning. Thought about just how fortunate that she didn't wait another ten years, that it only cost me $148.00 for the divorce, that she left 90% of all her belongings legally signed over to me in the divorce decree, that my landlord, who is the same age as me, reduced the rent on the house from $1200 to $900 a month. There is so much upside for me. I'd been saying it to myself the whole time. I just couldn't appreciate it until just now. There will still be triggers and firsts, I realize, but the bigger picture is starting to become much more clear. I'm riding this wave as long as I can.


You have your whole life ahead of you. Just think of the possibilities.


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## sczinger

Going back reading some of these posts. MThomas, I hope your situation is better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate yours and everyone else's comments here. My life is starting to equalize and I'm finding joy in the little things again. Especially with some new people in my life. It is very refreshing to tell a woman that I am not looking for a commitment right now, nor am I looking for a hook-up. Just dinner or movie or drinks with someone that shares some common interests... I tell them it is too soon for me to bring 100% of myself to a romantic situation. This is very freeing for me and the other person. More than anything woman seem to appreciate the honesty. Be anxious for nothing...


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## sczinger

MThomas said:


> I worked in the restaurant biz going through college. My wife did in retail, not much difference. You meet some great people but you also run across people with issues, demons, and addictions. Our jobs helped us out a great deal through the lean college years. We married in college with a promise to never return to the restaurant scene unless we were about to starve to death.
> 
> I am most certain I am headed for divorce. There is no way I would consider dating a woman in the restaurant field, retail can be thrown in too. District / regional would not apply, I am referring to the workers. I myself could never do it again, work in those fields. Super drama, infighting, who is better than who, I'm you're boss (then act like one and get that damn powder off the end of your nose).
> 
> I am not saying ALL are but a plenty are. Most do not do background checks nor drug testing. OP was your ex ever in the industry before? Knowing her first H committed suicide would have made me do plenty of investigating. But it's over now. Chalk it up as a mistake and try not to repeat it. But hell what do I know? I'm hitting the D roller coaster. My additions may not even be helpful.
> 
> The OMs wife has to know a super hot relative. Maybe in her 30s. Take her to the place your ex works. Trust me the OM will hear about it, many times. Always worked when I saw it happen years ago.
> 
> Best wishes to you OP. I'm sorry you are here. Hell I'm sorry I am here.


Going back reading some of these posts. MThomas, I hope your situation is better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate yours and everyone else's comments here. My life is starting to equalize and I'm finding joy in the little things again. Especially with some new people in my life. It is very refreshing to tell a woman that I am not looking for a commitment right now, nor am I looking for a hook-up. Just dinner or movie or drinks with someone that shares some common interests... I tell them it is too soon for me to bring 100% of myself to a romantic situation. This is very freeing for me and the other person. More than anything woman seem to appreciate the honesty. Be anxious for nothing...


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## bandit.45

https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/he-held-me-until-i-could-breathe/news-story/b5f6285c7bfd7266b7fdfafac35d50ea


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## sczinger

bandit.45 said:


> Sczinger do yourself a favor...next time do not marry a woman who works in the restaurant industry.
> 
> I just built two very high-end Italian restaurants in Houston last year and, in working closely with the managers and staff, I got a brief glimpse into that world. What I saw were extremely passionate and very drama-loving people who worked every day with no days off, 80 plus hours a week. They seem to live in a kind of cuccooned existence, much like the medical industry...which is an industry also rife with adultery. I would imagine your WW was caught up in this lifestyle and it has become a habit for her.
> 
> You sound like the exception to the rule, which is why I recommend you date people from outside your industry.


Well, I don' work in the restaurant industry. I'm a 9-5 M-F kind of guy. Another factor in this debacle. We went from seeing each other 50 hours a week to maybe 10. Her new 80 hour per week job was her new reality. After a few months of indoctrination, I no longer existed in that world.


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## bandit.45

sczinger said:


> Well, I don' work in the restaurant industry. I'm a 9-5 M-F kind of guy. Another factor in this debacle. We went from seeing each other 50 hours a week to maybe 10. Her new 80 hour per week job was her new reality. After a few months of indoctrination, I no longer existed in that world.


Yep. So steer clear of chefs and restaurateurs. Just don't even go there again. From the little I saw of the way people in this industry exist, it is a very sheltered world, and that is where people form inappropriate relationships. Your WW's problem is that she had no boundaries. First time her co-worker told her she was pretty, he had her hooked. 

You don't need anymore immature women like her in your life.


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## MThomas

sczinger said:


> Going back reading some of these posts. MThomas, I hope your situation is better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate yours and everyone else's comments here. My life is starting to equalize and I'm finding joy in the little things again. Especially with some new people in my life. It is very refreshing to tell a woman that I am not looking for a commitment right now, nor am I looking for a hook-up. Just dinner or movie or drinks with someone that shares some common interests... I tell them it is too soon for me to bring 100% of myself to a romantic situation. This is very freeing for me and the other person. More than anything woman seem to appreciate the honesty. Be anxious for nothing...


Thank you! The timeline I have for an R or any type of trying has about run its course. I have an appointment set with a lawyer the day after. Talking about dates, I can't tell you the last time I was on a date. From friends who are single after divorce, it is quite different. Far cry from the old AOL days. After two kids, I don't have a real affinity for dating, at least in the here and now. 

But what Bandit said is true. You work long hours in food. Mostly 2nd shift. When the doors close at 10-11-midnight, you clean-up and are wound-up. Nothing like serving 100s of people who want nothing more than to take out their frustrations, on you. Bad day at work, car cut them off, in-laws coming to visit, spouse wasn't in the mood night before. You name it, we heard it. So after closing, damn right we were in the mood to get a groove on.

When I worked it, mind you this was 20+ years ago, nothing else was open, except the bars my parents age went to. There were cots in the back, for a reason. Add together high stress, high alcohol intake, and casual flirting to pass the dinner rush by quicker and, viola! Next day they're right back at arguing and posturing against one another. 

If you are in the right place, food industry, you can make nice money. But those are few and far between, What you run into are nice people who quickly turn into 3rd shift alcoholics. Not many quality places to go after midnight. Unless you're looking for trouble. Guess if I knew you personally and you told me what she was doing, I would have cautioned you up front. Again not all fall into this but many do.

Wish it was this easy to start my damn thread. I know the first post is the hardest.


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## BarbedFenceRider

bandit.45 said:


> https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/he-held-me-until-i-could-breathe/news-story/b5f6285c7bfd7266b7fdfafac35d50ea



Oh bandit....That is a rough one. That woman was cooold.


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## bandit.45

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Oh bandit....That is a rough one. That woman was cooold.


And sanctimonious.


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## Yeswecan

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Oh bandit....That is a rough one. That woman was cooold.


Simon just wanted to get into her pants. The only reason old Simon hung around. As for the woman, she is nuts. The death of my H who was found dead by his own hand in our marital home I was able to still find love. Callous.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Narcissism 101 and the fact that Australian media thinks this is "trendy" is sooo telling of the times we live in.


https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/psychological-effects-divorce-fathers-men-suicide/


It's an epidemic and shows just what society thinks of Men and Fathers in general....


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## ReformedHubby

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Narcissism 101 and the fact that Australian media thinks this is "trendy" is sooo telling of the times we live in.
> 
> 
> https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/psychological-effects-divorce-fathers-men-suicide/
> 
> 
> It's an epidemic and shows just what society thinks of Men and Fathers in general....


Very interesting article, and I think very true. Its equally applicable even if its you that wanted the divorce. It took me over a year after being separated to start actually living healthily. I am still overweight by my standards, but close to where I should be. You just don't take as good care of yourself. Many of us complain about how the women in our lives push us into making healthier choices, but honestly a lot of us need that. Truth be told when you get older your kids stop you from eating stupid stuff too. I can't count the number of times my daughter says to me, "Don't eat that daddy". How can I not listen? They have your best interest in mind when they tell you things like that.


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## SentHereForAReason

ReformedHubby said:


> Very interesting article, and I think very true. Its equally applicable even if its you that wanted the divorce. It took me over a year after being separated to start actually living healthily. I am still overweight by my standards, but close to where I should be. You just don't take as good care of yourself. Many of us complain about how the women in our lives push us into making healthier choices, but honestly a lot of us need that. Truth be told when you get older your kids stop you from eating stupid stuff too. I can't count the number of times my daughter says to me, "Don't eat that daddy". How can I not listen? They have your best interest in mind when they tell you things like that.


Tale of two people for me;
- On the outside, I am kicking a$$ at the gym, energy into my work and side business, putting more effort into my wardrobe than I ever have been, doing tons of projects around the house, landscaping like a mad man and taking pride in everything I do from the grass to pulling weeds, to dusting the damn inside of the house but ...

- On the inside I'm still a freakin' whirlwind of emotion, going from numb to a wreck to sometimes feeling good (when I'm at the gym or when my kids are home).


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## ReformedHubby

stillfightingforus said:


> Tale of two people for me;
> *- On the outside, I am kicking a$$ at the gym, energy into my work and side business, putting more effort into my wardrobe than I ever have been, doing tons of projects around the house, landscaping like a mad man and taking pride in everything I do from the grass to pulling weeds, to dusting the damn inside of the house but ...*


This is me now...but not at first. It takes time. Men tend to hold things inside...and even when you don't when you call your buddies for support the first thing they want to do is take you out so you can get drunk and laid...which actually makes things worse.


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## SentHereForAReason

ReformedHubby said:


> This is me now...but not at first. It takes time. Men tend to hold things inside...and even when you don't when you call your buddies for support the first thing they want to do is take you out so you *can get drunk and laid*...which actually makes things worse.


Part of me, a small part wonders if that would actually help me because it's so NOT me. 

I will default to doing what I think is right and being me and focusing on goals that hold up but I just fear at some point, even when it should be time to date, that I will use excuse after excuse not to because I'm 'scared'. 

In the meantime I have goals that I know I'm doing for the right reasons but eventually I'll have to get over my timidness and fears and try to conquer dating scene like I would my business or my workout, etc.


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## BluesPower

stillfightingforus said:


> Tale of two people for me;
> - On the outside, I am kicking a$$ at the gym, energy into my work and side business, putting more effort into my wardrobe than I ever have been, doing tons of projects around the house, landscaping like a mad man and taking pride in everything I do from the grass to pulling weeds, to dusting the damn inside of the house but ...
> 
> - On the inside I'm still a freakin' whirlwind of emotion, going from numb to a wreck to sometimes feeling good (when I'm at the gym or when my kids are home).





ReformedHubby said:


> This is me now...but not at first. It takes time. Men tend to hold things inside...and even when you don't when you call your buddies for support the first thing they want to do is take you out so you can get drunk and laid...which actually makes things worse.


Guys, please listen to me, for gods sake listen. You both got screwed over in a horrible way by your Ex's, I get it, it hurts. 

But guys, get the F*** over it. You got cheated on by two POS women that are of low moral character. If you were fat and out of shape then hit the gym. 

SFFU, I bet at this point that you look better the 90% of the guys out there, and you think you may want to date? 

Guys, come on, get over it. There are MILLIONS of women out that, and I assure you that more than a handful will want to date you. 

Guys I am 54 YO, 20lbs over weight, and not nearly as pretty as I used to be, and guys, I had a never ending stream of women that I was banging. 

The only reason that I am not, is that I met my GF. 

I am not discounting that you both are hurt and traumatized by your experience, I get that. 

But come one guys, time to get laid...


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## ReformedHubby

BluesPower said:


> Guys, please listen to me, for gods sake listen. You both got screwed over in a horrible way by your Ex's, I get it, it hurts.
> 
> But guys, get the F*** over it. You got cheated on by two POS women that are of low moral character. If you were fat and out of shape then hit the gym.
> 
> SFFU, I bet at this point that you look better the 90% of the guys out there, and you think you may want to date?
> 
> Guys, come on, get over it. There are MILLIONS of women out that, and I assure you that more than a handful will want to date you.
> 
> Guys I am 54 YO, 20lbs over weight, and not nearly as pretty as I used to be, and guys, I had a never ending stream of women that I was banging.
> 
> The only reason that I am not, is that I met my GF.
> 
> I am not discounting that you both are hurt and traumatized by your experience, I get that.
> 
> But come one guys, time to get laid...


Thank you for the advice, but it really isn't applicable to me. I wasn't cheated on, being honest I am very flawed. I don't think I am a bad person through and through but I am not suited for monogamy, that's why I left. With that said being newly single does present health challenges when you are so used to a household where a SAHM literally runs everything including finances. Its like learning to be responsible again. That's what I was alluding to about the health challenges of being newly separated/divorced. As far as getting laid that isn't an issue for me at all, in all honesty approaching things the way SFFU did would have been better for me. I was wild and wreckless at first. But...with that said I encourage SFFU to get back out there, no reason to be afraid. I have a feeling he will quickly realize he had nothing to fear.


----------



## ReformedHubby

stillfightingforus said:


> Part of me, a small part wonders if that would actually help me because it's so NOT me.
> 
> I will default to doing what I think is right and being me and focusing on goals that hold up but I just fear at some point, even when it should be time to date, that I will use excuse after excuse not to because I'm 'scared'.
> 
> In the meantime I have goals that I know I'm doing for the right reasons but eventually I'll have to get over my timidness and fears and try to conquer dating scene like I would my business or my workout, etc.


You approached this the right way. You got yourself established and emotionally steady first. I didn't do that. I started dating almost immediately...and because my picker was in fun mode, I ended up dating people that were fun partiers and really attractive, but not much else. I know a lot more now about what I want.


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## AVR1962

Sadly, I understand what you are saying by needing that closure. You want an answer as to "what" happened and "what" went wrong. You were very much in love. This can haunt us if we let it and just because she gives you an answer doesn't mean it is the truth. I am afraid you might have to find the answers for yourself, or you might have to conclude that you will never have the answers to your questions but somehow you need to try to move on. Her life has now taken her a whole other direction. Only she can learn her lessons. Love her enough to set her free (from the space in your heart).


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