# husbands confession, would this upset you??



## Cindy1968

A few weeks during a conversation about our sex life, (which has always been pretty good, 2-3 times a week) My husband told me that he often fantasizes that he is having sex with other women while we make love....He said it is not specific people we know, but about things things like him having a threesome with two women he just met, or that he is an older man having sex with a young college age girl.
I was very hurt by this, but he says I have no reason to be...that they are just fantasies he likes to use to "get off" when we have sex..
I only think about him when we are making love...
am I wrong in feeling hurt ?
Am I being to sensitive as he says ?


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## PBear

Unless you want him to shut up about every fantasy that he ever has had or will have, then yes, you're being too sensitive.

Just my opinion, as a guy... But judging anyone's fantasies as wrong or icky is a good way to shut down communication. They're fantasies, he's not asking you to bring someone else in your bedroom or do something you're uncomfortable with, so let it go.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga

Female here, Cindy, and yeah, you are being a bit too sensitive. All men do this. No, he shouldn't have told you, but try not to dwell on it. It's very normal.


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## nachopenguin

It would upset me, too. I expect him to have fantasies when he's "enjoying" his alone time, but when he's with me I would hope that he's with me in body AND mind.

And if he's not, he should keep it to himself. I don't see what good he expected to come out of telling you that.


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## Cindy1968

Thank you French, you just explained how I feel perfectly.....

I am not a prude by any means, but if you need to "pretend" you are with someone else while making love to your spouse.

To me that is totally disrespectfull, and hurtfull


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## confusedwithconflict

FrenchFry said:


> I might be weird here, and I'm not a man so I don't have that perspective but-
> 
> I'd totally be hurt too. Sex for me is intensely sharing with a driven focus on how _I_ can make _my_ husband feel like fireworks. I have nothing else on my mind when we are getting down except how we can make this experience better. Even when it's not optimal conditions, I don't wander in my focus.
> 
> I kinda expect the same focus from my husband on me. I want him taking in all of ME, not all of the mind movies in his head and I'd be pissed off if he checked out like that. To me that would immediately signify he checked out on passion and is using my warm holes just for masturbation purposes. Tell me what I can do to make this truely me and you, whatever making this _me and you _entails. If you can't be bothered with the chore of making sex bonding between us, go and jerk off in the other room with whatever porn you choose.
> 
> This isn't advice at all, and I might be too sensitive too, but I know where you are coming from.


Complety agree with you. Its disrespectful that he even told you this. I would be extremely bothered by the comment. If my H ever told me this I'd tell him that's fine he can imagine his hand are the other women! It would hurt me to know I wasn't enough for my husband to get off just being with me, and he likes to fantasize about other women WHILE we were doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75

I guess that means my DH is lying when he says he only thinks of me during sex? I think only of my DH, even when getting in the mood when he's not around. My own experience, when I think of someone else, it leads to disaster.


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## PBear

Did you ask about his fantasies or what he's thinking, or did he just spit it out?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cindy1968

we were in a general discussion about our sex life...all positive.
when the topic came up...I guess he thought it would turn me on...I don't know, just told me very matter of factly, 
Then he was totally dismissive of my feelings, and is saying I am being silly and I need to get over it, and that I have no right or reason to be hurt or upset...


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## frustr8dhubby

lamaga said:


> Female here, Cindy, and yeah, you are being a bit too sensitive. All men do this. No, he shouldn't have told you, but try not to dwell on it. It's very normal.


Here we go again. No, all men do NOT do this. I do fantasize about other women/threesomes/etc but not when I am with my wife. 

I have to agree that I would probably be hurt too if my wife told me that. Though the points about shutting down communication are valid too...


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## donders

Maricha75 said:


> I guess that means my DH is lying when he says he only thinks of me during sex?


Yes he's lying but it's one of those acceptable white lies such as when you tell your wife she looks great even though she's put on 30 lbs since you got married.

The guy who tells his wife he fantasizes about other women.. well he's being honest, can't fault him there but he needs to understand that women just don't understand that guys think this way and telling his wife isn't going to gain him any brownie points.


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## COguy

I've never thought of anyone else when having sex with my wife.

I know plenty of men (and women) that do. I can see why it would hurt you. More telling is that he said it at all. Why would someone bring that up unless it was to hurt the other person? I would chalk it up to your husband being a bone head.


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## rider

As a guy, I agree and would be hurt. If he wants to mentally act out a fantasy like that he should ask you to go along with it. Way more fun that way...

family guy i'm a paladin - YouTube


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## swedish

What comes to mind for me is that this is somewhat similar to asking your husband 'Does my butt look big in these jeans?' It might be putting him on the spot to either lie if he thinks it does but does not want to hurt you or tell the truth even if he knows it will hurt you.

It sounds as though the frequency is there in your sex life. Do you spice things up? Leave the lights on? He may just be spicing things up in his mind by thinking of 'taboo' scenarios, which I don't think equates to him not being turned on by you, especially since he is describing scenarios not specific women. Have you considered doing some dress up to spice things up and explore his fantasy as a couple in a way you are both comfortable with...maybe sexy school girl outfit?


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## PBear

Net effect, he's not being sensitive enough to your feelings, and you're judging him for his. So you both have some things to work on.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cindy1968

our sex life is not really vanilla but not wild either,he kind of likes our "routine that works" as he puts it..
When role play has come up in our talks, he says that kind of thing is silly and he would not be into it...
and apparently his fantasies don't involve me....
He told me when I asked that I am not one of the women, or the young girl in his scenerios.
He spends a good amount of time with his eyes closed during sex...which never bothered me till now...
now every time he closes his eyes I am going to wonder what or who he is thinking about...


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## Cherie

Female here - I think you are allowed to feel hurt, but not allowed to make him feel bad for his feelings. It's kind of a lose/lose here. You're being a little overly sensitive and he probably should have kept his trap shut. Ignorance is sometimes bliss. 

I have thought about other people when having sex with my husband. Sometimes even my ex boyfriend!! Does it mean I really want to be with him - no. But sometimes you need a little something different or exciting. It does NOT mean your husband is going to act on these fantasies, and to be quite honest, if he can't tell you this kind of thing, who can he tell?


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## confusedwithconflict

Cindy1968 said:


> our sex life is not really vanilla but not wild either,he kind of likes our "routine that works" as he puts it..
> When role play has come up in our talks, he says that kind of thing is silly and he would not be into it...
> and apparently his fantasies don't involve me....
> He told me when I asked that I am not one of the women, or the young girl in his scenerios.
> He spends a good amount of time with his eyes closed during sex...which never bothered me till now...
> now every time he closes his eyes I am going to wonder what or who he is thinking about...


Ask him. When he closes his eyes ask him who he is thinking about. It will ruin the moment, but isn't that what he's doing when he closes his eyes and thinks of things of unmentionable. Why should he be allowed to get off while you're now left wondering if its you in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherie

confusedwithconflict said:


> Ask him. When he closes his eyes ask him who he is thinking about. It will ruin the moment, but isn't that what he's doing when he closes his eyes and thinks of things of unmentionable. Why should he be allowed to get off while you're now left wondering if its you in there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. That's really gonna help the relationship. :scratchhead:
That's like telling a guy he can't look at porn. People need outlets. Have you guys ever kept a secret from your husband that could hurt him? Same thing here IMO.


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## confusedwithconflict

Cherie said:


> Yeah. That's really gonna help the relationship. :scratchhead:
> That's like telling a guy he can't look at porn. People need outlets. Have you guys ever kept a secret from your husband that could hurt him? Same thing here IMO.


Telling my SO I think about other people during sex is not an appropriate outlet. And no I don't keep secrets from my H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedwithconflict

Cherie said:


> Female here - I think you are allowed to feel hurt, but not allowed to make him feel bad for his feelings. It's kind of a lose/lose here. You're being a little overly sensitive and he probably should have kept his trap shut. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.
> 
> I have thought about other people when having sex with my husband. Sometimes even my ex boyfriend!! Does it mean I really want to be with him - no. But sometimes you need a little something different or exciting. It does NOT mean your husband is going to act on these fantasies, and to be quite honest, if he can't tell you this kind of thing, who can he tell?


Not his wife that's for sure. This kind of thing out in the open makes the SO insecure about themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cindy1968

Cherie said:


> Female here - I think you are allowed to feel hurt, but not allowed to make him feel bad for his feelings. It's kind of a lose/lose here. You're being a little overly sensitive and he probably should have kept his trap shut. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.
> 
> I have thought about other people when having sex with my husband. Sometimes even my ex boyfriend!! Does it mean I really want to be with him - no. But sometimes you need a little something different or exciting. It does NOT mean your husband is going to act on these fantasies, and to be quite honest, if he can't tell you this kind of thing, who can he tell?


cherie, so have you told your husband you were thinking about your ex while you were having sex with him??
and if so how did he react???


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## donders

confusedwithconflict said:


> Ask him. When he closes his eyes ask him who he is thinking about. It will ruin the moment, but isn't that what he's doing when he closes his eyes and thinks of things of unmentionable. Why should he be allowed to get off while you're now left wondering if its you in there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Horrible advice.

All you're going to do is destroy your sex life with such crazy antics.

People fantasize about others during sex.



Cindy1968 said:


> cherie, so have you told your husband you were thinking about your ex while you were having sex with him??
> and if so how did he react???


It would be hurtful and pointless to share these private fantasies with a sex partner and serve no purpose. 

Get over it.


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## Cherie

confusedwithconflict said:


> Not his wife that's for sure. This kind of thing out in the open makes the SO insecure about themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think that he should have said it. I'm not saying that. But he has these feelings and did try to share, doubtfully trying to hurt her. That is all I am saying.



confusedwithconflict said:


> Telling my SO I think about other people during sex is not an appropriate outlet. And no I don't keep secrets from my H.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I said I agree it would hurt to hear...I don't think you got my point. TELLING her wasn't his outlet, but thinking of it was, and I think his overshare has now hurt him b/c of how it made her feel. I was just saying cut the guy some slack, we all have our imperfections. This is the real world, not a fairy tale. Not everyone thinks of their SO every time they have sex.


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## Cherie

Cindy1968 said:


> cherie, so have you told your husband you were thinking about your ex while you were having sex with him??
> and if so how did he react???


No, because that would be pointless and stupid, and yes, probably hurtful. I think it was a bad call for him to tell you, but I'm merely saying these things happen. I am pretty sure my husband doesn't only think of me during sex. I'm not hurt by it but I prefer not to know WHO he is thinking of. The pain is the details.


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## Tall Average Guy

I understand why you are hurt. I think of only my wife, and would be hurt of she thinks of others.

While you probably need to address this, please take care in doing so. Your husband was honest with you. Yes, it hurt, but he did not lie to you. That has value and indicates a certain strength in your marriage. If you react to harshly, he will hesitate in being honest when truth might hurt you. That is a bad things, so be careful how you raise this with hi,


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## Cherie

Tall Average Guy said:


> I understand why you are hurt. I think of only my wife, and would be hurt of she thinks of others.


Really? You have never once fantisized about someone else? 
I just find that hard to believe about anyone. (Not just you, but anyone, male or female, that they only think about one person EVER during sex). 

I think of my husband 99% of the time, but I can't say there are not days when my mind might wander to someone else albeit briefly.


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## Toffer

Cindy,

My wife told me she fanatasies during sex too. I don't (except about her) and I was hurt too. However, according to something I saw either on Dr Phil or Dr Oz (take these sources for what they are) it is natural for both sexes to fantasize.

I don't buy it. I guess I'm just more into her than she is into me. Would explain alot about our love life!


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## confusedwithconflict

Cherie said:


> Really? You have never once fantisized about someone else?
> I just find that hard to believe about anyone. (Not just you, but anyone, male or female, that they only think about one person EVER during sex).
> 
> I think of my husband 99% of the time, but I can't say there are not days when my mind might wander to someone else albeit briefly.


I do understand your point, sometimes humans can be bone heads and not think first how it could reflect on someone else. I don't however think about other guys with H, not in that personal and connecting point in our life. I feel horrible thinking about thinking about it and how it would hurt him. But I do see others points.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8

FrenchFry said:


> I might be weird here, and I'm not a man so I don't have that perspective but-
> 
> I'd totally be hurt too. Sex for me is intensely sharing with a driven focus on how _I_ can make _my_ husband feel like fireworks. I have nothing else on my mind when we are getting down except how we can make this experience better. Even when it's not optimal conditions, I don't wander in my focus.


French fry:

I totally agree. IMO, fantasy while masturbating is one thing, fantasizing while making love to your spouse is a turn off and should be.

It's interesting that I read recently somewhere and I wish I could find the link, that in the past some Marriage Counselors would encourage this to spice up a the sex lives of long time married couples. 

Now, however, the thinking is that fantasizing during sex is an instigator for an affair. 

The partner needs to learn how to look his/her spouse in the eye and be totally present when making love. 

There is a book called "Passionate Marriage" by david Schnarch, in the book he talks about how the reason infidelity is so rampant is that men or women, but more typically men, become bored with sex with their wives.

As he put it men don't want to do certain types of sexual things with their wives so they lust after other men's wives and have affairs....that's a paraphrase. 

Nonetheless, he counsels against fantasizing while "doing" your spouse.

He agrees that both need to be focusing on each other totally and exclusively.


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## Maricha75

Cherie said:


> That's like telling a guy he can't look at porn. People need outlets.


Not gonna get into a porn debate, but not everyone looks at porn...be it pics, online, or video. I have seen some, yes. Wasn't my thing. My DH is totally against porn. It's religious convictions, and we agree on it. Again, not a debate, just saying not every man uses porn as an "outlet". Not saying that he doesn't find other women attractive. I, of course, certainly find other men attractive. But they are not my "outlets" My DH is, no one else.



confusedwithconflict said:


> Telling my SO I think about other people during sex is not an appropriate outlet. And no I don't keep secrets from my H.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 :iagree:

And I don't keep secrets from my DH. I used to, and that led to a very long, painful road I do not want to go down again.



donders said:


> People fantasize about others during sex.
> It would be hurtful and pointless to share these private fantasies with a sex partner and serve no purpose.
> Get over it.


Ugh! Again, not everyone fantasizes about other people during sex! I fantasize about other ACTS, with my HUSBAND during sex. Positions I know I am physically incapable of doing now. Regardless of the act, I have my DH in my mind the whole time.

That said, I can admit that there was a time when I DID think of other men... and it only led to disaster in the bedroom, as well as other aspects of our life. In OUR experience, whether people want to believe it or not, thinking of others took away from our feelings for each other. 

Believe what you want. Call me delusional if you choose. But I know from my own experience how those thoughts affected me and my marriage.


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## reset button

Yes it would upset me too.. here is why.

I can honestly say I never fantisize about me having sex with another man when I am with my husband, that being said, I occasionally will run the "highlight reel' of fantasies I have or stimulating porn scenes I may have once watched in my head to "get over the top' once in a while.

The difference....I am picturing a man and a woman engaging in these acts but my husband and I are neither of them. So its kinda of like pushing play on a porno movie in your head where neither you nor your spouse are in it.

If my husband said he fantisized about a specfic person he/we knows while having sex with me it would make me feel like a blow up doll


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## Cherie

Marcicha, no one thinks your delusional as not eveyrone is cut from the same cloth - but if there WAS a time where you have thought of others as you have said, then there you go - you see how her DH could fall victim to it as well.

As far as porn goes...I find the men that are the most against it are the ones with the secret lives. Check your internet history or that of the history on his laptop or smartphone. Bet it's cleared regularly.


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## frustr8dhubby

Cherie said:


> Really? You have never once fantisized about someone else?


WHILE having sex with my wife? I can honestly say never. Actually I am not even sure how someone has the capacity to. I am focused on the task(s) at hand and my wife. But I am a man so maybe I can't multi-task there.. 

Now, when relying on the hand, sure, but that is a wholly different scenario..


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## Maricha75

Cherie said:


> As far as porn goes...I find the men that are the most against it are the ones with the secret lives. Check your internet history or that of the history on his laptop or smartphone. Bet it's cleared regularly.


Nope. He never clears it and it's open for me to check anytime. Not one single site. As far as the computer, he is never on it anymore. Our 4 year old is on it most of the time. And the TV, we always have on together. Not one single porn site has been accessed. Sorry if that bursts your bubble lol. But, I will concede that, perhaps the reason he DOESN'T view it at all is because of his dad's porn addiction and how it affected his parents' marriage.

And please define secret lives? If you mean PA, there has never been one. EA? Yes, there was briefly.... and I mentioned that in my intro post


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## Maricha75

Cherie said:


> Maricha, no one thinks your delusional as not eveyrone is cut from the same cloth - but if there WAS a time where you have thought of others as you have said, then there you go - you see how her DH could fall victim to it as well.


Yes, there WAS a time... when I was involved in EA. And that's the point I was making. I only thought of other men when I was checking out of my marriage. Before that, and even now, I only fantasize about him. Just the way I feel about it. I have no need to fantasize about other men. I am happy fantasizing about all the things I can do with my husband.


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## Cherie

Sorry ladies I am new to the site so not familiar with all of the acronyms yet. I do not know what PA & EA are . explain? 

You know, that does not Burst my bubble! It is Refreshing, and I am happy that your husband is not a liar LOL!


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## Maricha75

EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair


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## Tall Average Guy

Cherie said:


> Really? You have never once fantisized about someone else?
> I just find that hard to believe about anyone. (Not just you, but anyone, male or female, that they only think about one person EVER during sex).
> 
> I think of my husband 99% of the time, but I can't say there are not days when my mind might wander to someone else albeit briefly.


That has happened briefly, but I quickly push it down and refocus on her. I would not be surprised if she did the same.

However, I have never been having sex with my wife but thinking about another woman for any length of time, such as closing my eyes and imagining I was having sex with a famous actress. I really focuse on my wife when I am with her.


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## donders

Maricha75 said:


> EA = Emotional Affair
> PA = Physical Affair


In most cases what is believed to be an EA is really a PA but the BS doesn't want to believe that so they call it an EA because it's easier to handle.

If they're exchanging I love you's and texting back and forth dozens of times a day and there's no sex between the two married partners and the betraying partner has met in person with the supposed EA partner its NOT an EA no matter what they might think.


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## Maricha75

Ok, donders... let me clarify... mine and my husband's were, in fact, EA, not PA. There was no chance of ever meeting in real life. We live in the Midwest. His lived on the west coast, mine lived on the east coast of Canada. Anyway, just saying that I do know the difference between the two.


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## SoWhat

The reactions here indicate that Dad was right - "Lie until you die" is sometimes the best policy. 

I'd never cheat on her.
I think she's a stone-cold fox with a brickhouse body. 
Sometimes the images of other women I know pop in my head while we make love. 

There seems to be absolutely no reason to be honest about this...


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## SabrinaBlue

Hmmm. I had to rack my brain to be sure, but I can't remember ever thinking of having sex with someone else while having sex with my husband. As someone else said, I'll do the "porno reel" in my head on occasion, but that's no different than watching it on TV during sex. 

Maybe my husband has fantasized about other women during sex with me, but he's never said or indicated that. If he does, he realizes it would be crass to tell me!

On a side note, I do verbalize a fantasy of his during foreplay (walking him through an exhibition scene), but we're both engaged in it, so that's not the same.


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## Maricha75

FrenchFry said:


> I married my husband for many reasons, but one of the biggest ones was he was the first person who was able to overwhelm me sexually just by sheer focus alone and that hasn't waned at all. He might be in la-la land but if he is, he's such a good actor my hypersensitivity cannot pick up on it. But he's also one of those who doesn't watch porn either, and they don't exist either so...lol.


:rofl: Love that FrenchFry!


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## Entropy3000

Maricha75 said:


> I guess that means my DH is lying when he says he only thinks of me during sex? I think only of my DH, even when getting in the mood when he's not around. My own experience, when I think of someone else, it leads to disaster.


No he is probably not lying. I am totally 100% into my wife when we have sex. I need no external fantasy to "get off". I have never fantasized while having sex with my wife. I am living one out. Seriously.


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## Entropy3000

donders said:


> Horrible advice.
> 
> All you're going to do is destroy your sex life with such crazy antics.
> 
> *People fantasize about others during sex.*
> 
> 
> 
> It would be hurtful and pointless to share these private fantasies with a sex partner and serve no purpose.
> 
> Get over it.


I don't. Maybe some do. So sad they need that little extra to make it through.


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## COguy

Cherie said:


> Really? You have never once fantisized about someone else?
> I just find that hard to believe about anyone. (Not just you, but anyone, male or female, that they only think about one person EVER during sex).
> 
> I think of my husband 99% of the time, but I can't say there are not days when my mind might wander to someone else albeit briefly.


The ONLY time I've ever thought of someone else when having sex, was when I was picturing an ugly old woman to last longer.

Never thought of someone else WHILE having sex. I don't want to judge, but I would just feel really weird about that. When pleasing myself, yes, I fantasize about other women sometimes.


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## Cherie

Maricha75 said:


> EA = Emotional Affair
> PA = Physical Affair





Got It. Thanks.




COguy said:


> The ONLY time I've ever thought of someone else when having sex, was when I was picturing an ugly old woman to last longer.
> 
> Never thought of someone else WHILE having sex. I don't want to judge, but I would just feel really weird about that. When pleasing myself, yes, I fantasize about other women sometimes.


Okay, so my question is too many of you guys have said this: how is this any different? The point is you were thinking of somebody besides your wife to get off. If you try to paint it whatever color you like, but it's still getting painted with the the same brush stroke.


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## heartsbeating

Cindy1968 said:


> A few weeks during a conversation about our sex life, (which has always been pretty good, 2-3 times a week) My husband told me that he often fantasizes that he is having sex with other women while we make love....He said it is not specific people we know, but about things things like him having a threesome with two women he just met, or that he is an older man having sex with a young college age girl.
> I was very hurt by this, but he says I have no reason to be...that they are just fantasies he likes to use to "get off" when we have sex..
> I only think about him when we are making love...
> am I wrong in feeling hurt ?
> Am I being to sensitive as he says ?


The only thing that would upset me about this would perhaps be not being included in those fantasies. I don't mean I need to be up in his every thought ...but we like to dirty-talk our fantasies and I like to know what turns him on, and it can dictate what kind of mood our interaction will be. Sometimes I'll be the one to initiate that type of play, sometimes it will be him.

Not every interaction is like this for us but I think it's fun when it is. I like to know what turns him on and what fantasies he has. It's a positive thing that your husband has opened up with you this way. Imagine if you could be more actively involved with those fantasies? 

Do you have fantasies at all? 

With fantasies, I'm referring to role-playing, not specific people that one knows. We are still present with each other, but with a little imaginative role-play.


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## heartsbeating

Cindy1968 said:


> He spends a good amount of time with his eyes closed during sex...which never bothered me till now...
> now every time he closes his eyes I am going to wonder what or who he is thinking about...


That would bother me too. 

I understand the need for him to be present with you. I do. I'm not discounting your feelings there. I can't help but wonder if you could both indulge in some role-play together?

I must admit that, even in our role-play fantasy interactions, I always feel that he is very much present with ME. And when he says my NAME ...oh boy! So I totally agree that being present with each other is connecting and sexy. I also think there's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy talk either, given the right circumstances. 

I would hate to feel like I was "used" as a body part. I have never felt this way with my husband. 

He was honest with you though. So where do you go from here to continue your relationship and sex life on a healthy, positive path?


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## Cindy1968

Again, he is not interested in any kind of role play,says it would feel silly to him.
He says he likes our normal routine, which is not at all vanilla.
I would haveno problem putting on a school girl outfit,or fantasizing about a threesome with him during hot sex.
But that is not what we are talking about.
From what he told me it seems he likes to " pretend" he is having sex with different women in different scenarios while he is having sex with me.....to help him get off.
I am not in those scenarios...
To me that is basically mental cheating,totally disrepectful ,and hurtful .
In my opinion fantasies are fine..if they involve your spouse.
And frenchfry, you have summed up how I fell completely ..
How would you men feel if your wife told you the same thing.?..
That she had to pretend she was doing another man or two men at once to reach orgasm while she was having sex with you,her husband.
And to make things worse he will not even acknowledge that I have any reason to be hurt or upset by him doing this or for him telling me about it.
His atitude is...lots of people do it and I'm not really cheating on you..
When two married people share lovemaking, it can be loving, wild, kinky, etc. but it should always be about just the two of them, mentally,physically ,and emotionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating

Cindy1968 said:


> Again, he is not interested in any kind of role play,says it would feel silly to him.
> He says he likes our normal routine, which is not at all vanilla.
> I would haveno problem putting on a school girl outfit,or fantasizing about a threesome with him during hot sex.
> But that is not what we are talking about.
> From what he told me it seems he likes to " pretend" he is having sex with different women in different scenarios while he is having sex with me.....to help him get off.
> I am not in those scenarios...
> To me that is basically mental cheating,totally disrepectful ,and hurtful .
> In my opinion fantasies are fine..if they involve your spouse.
> And frenchfry, you have summed up how I fell completely ..
> How would you men feel if your wife told you the same thing.?..
> That she had to pretend she was doing another man or two men at once to reach orgasm while she was having sex with you,her husband.
> And to make things worse he will not even acknowledge that I have any reason to be hurt or upset by him doing this or for him telling me about it.
> His atitude is...lots of people do it and I'm not really cheating on you..
> When two married people share lovemaking, it can be loving, wild, kinky, etc. but it should always be about just the two of them, mentally,physically ,and emotionally.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apologies that I misunderstood.

I would feel disrespected too. You seem open to fantasy-play. I think it would be hard for me to consider sex in the same way after realizing that he wouldn't want to share IN the fantasy and that he wouldn't really want me to be present as myself/ as myself as catwoman (I'm kidding about the catwoman part).

He has been honest and maybe that's his own bad for doing so. I'm not sure where you go from here. Obviously closing down and being hurt is only going to cause a slippery-slope of damage. Yet I can understand how you would be feeling. Perhaps the saving grace is that his scenarios were more situational based. I don't understand how he wouldn't want you included in on this though. 

Do you do other things together, outside the bedroom? Do you connect in other ways?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

lamaga said:


> Female here, Cindy, and yeah, you are being a bit too sensitive. All men do this. No, he shouldn't have told you, but try not to dwell on it. It's very normal.


this is not true


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## CH

lamaga said:


> Female here, Cindy, and yeah, you are being a bit too sensitive. All men do this. No, he shouldn't have told you, but try not to dwell on it. It's very normal.


Women do it also. I suspect my wife closes her eyes and pretends I'm one of her K-drama hunks when we're doing the deed. But she'll never tell me.

heck, my best friend's wife has straight out said that she fantasizes that my friend is one of those K-drama hunks when they're going hot and heavy.

But I'm not gonna complain, as long as I'm getting some I don't really care who she fantasizes about. It's only when I'm not getting any and she still fantasizes about someone else then we've got a HUGE problem.


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## frustr8dhubby

Cherie said:


> Okay, so my question is too many of you guys have said this: how is this any different? The point is you were thinking of somebody besides your wife to get off. If you try to paint it whatever color you like, but it's still getting painted with the the same brush stroke.


Not even remotely. When I am with my wife, I am into my wife. I don't need some other stimulus to finish the job so to speak. (In other words, she is more than enough for me).

Masturbation (at least for me) is just a release, nothing more. No emotional connections, no closeness, etc.


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## Cherie

Look, I don't care either way. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I'm not saying you guys are wrong, and would expect the same in return.

Obviously masturbation is not about closeness. My point is that stimuli is stimuli so do u only masturbate to visions of your wife? stop trying to make it sound like you are better than others who do fantasize. The human brain is swift moving and not capable of compartmentalizing perfectly. Chances are visions or thoughts of others have slipped in a time or two.


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## frustr8dhubby

Cherie said:


> Look, I don't care either way. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I'm not saying you guys are wrong, and would expect the same in return.
> 
> Obviously masturbation is not about closeness. My point is that stimuli is stimuli so do u only masturbate to visions of your wife? stop trying to make it sound like you are better than others who do fantasize. The human brain is swift moving and not capable of compartmentalizing perfectly. Chances are visions or thoughts of others have slipped in a time or two.


No worries. I am far from trying to claim that I am better than anyone else.

I don't know that I ever masturbate to my wife because she, unfortunately, is nearly asexual anymore.

However, when we do have sex I have no need to fantasize because I have the real thing... Maybe that just makes me a simpleton, who knows...


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## KanDo

Unbelievable! 

Are you going to be upset because of the content of his dreams next! Fantasies are not reality and in many case the fantasisor doesn't want them to be realities! He is open enough to talk to you about his sexual urges and fantasies. Count yourself blessed! He is with you. He has chosen to be in your bed and to love you. Get over yourself and the same goes for the rest of you who would be hurt by this honesty.


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## Sanity

Cindy1968 said:


> A few weeks during a conversation about our sex life, (which has always been pretty good, 2-3 times a week) My husband told me that he often fantasizes that he is having sex with other women while we make love....He said it is not specific people we know, but about things things like him having a threesome with two women he just met, or that he is an older man having sex with a young college age girl.
> I was very hurt by this, but he says I have no reason to be...that they are just fantasies he likes to use to "get off" when we have sex..
> I only think about him when we are making love...
> am I wrong in feeling hurt ?
> Am I being to sensitive as he says ?


This is why some things just should not be said. Your husband was too honest and should have more discretion.


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## questar1

If I were in your shoes, I'd feel creeped out. And left out.

That said, if you're having plenty of sex, some of it could be pretty casual and leave room for wandering fantasies, no harm done. 

Then there are those special times when it's a total soul-connect. 

I distinguish between the two. Maybe your dh does too. 

In a way, you now have an invitation or a dare to have him really focus on you. I recommend picking up any of the good tantric books that are around these days. An intense spiritual connection during sex is all about focusing on the person you're with. Try some of that and his mind may never wander again.


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## cruiser

Nope. Guy here, when I'm having sex with my wife, she is all I'm thinking about. All my energy is focused on her.


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## CandieGirl

frustr8dhubby said:


> No worries. I am far from trying to claim that I am better than anyone else.
> 
> I don't know that I ever masturbate to my wife because she, unfortunately, is nearly asexual anymore.
> 
> However, when we do have sex I have no need to fantasize because I have the real thing... Maybe that just makes me a *simpleton*, who knows...


No. A simpleton is a person who tells their partner that they fantasize about others during lovemaking!


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## Kimberley17

Do you guys talk dirty? How about when his eyes are closed start talking really dirty to him?


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## swedish

questar1 said:


> In a way, you now have an invitation or a dare to have him really focus on you. I recommend picking up any of the good tantric books that are around these days. An intense spiritual connection during sex is all about focusing on the person you're with. Try some of that and his mind may never wander again.


I was just thinking the same thing...the antithesis of what he is currently doing might actually turn him on if he is open to trying it...


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## lifesabeach

I am a guy and I have never thought/fantasized about another woman while making love with my wife.


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## TwoDogs

KanDo said:


> He is with you. He has chosen to be in your bed and to love you.


Actually, apparently he has chosen to be in bed with another woman or women mentally when he is physically with her. :scratchhead:

I'm with FrenchFry, I'm just wired to be too concrete and reality-based to easily replace my partner with an imaginary one. The only times I've ever done this are a few rare occasions when I had emotionally checked out of a relationship and I absolutely NEEDED to pretend I was with a different man in order to get off.

Solo activity is another matter entirely.


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## Maricha75

TwoDogs said:


> Actually, apparently he has chosen to be in bed with another woman or women mentally when he is physically with her. :scratchhead:
> 
> I'm with FrenchFry, I'm just wired to be too concrete and reality-based to easily replace my partner with an imaginary one. *The only times I've ever done this are a few rare occasions when I had emotionally checked out of a relationship and I absolutely NEEDED to pretend I was with a different man in order to get off.*
> 
> Solo activity is another matter entirely.


Exactly! In that instance, I can see it happening. But if you are truly into it with your spouse/partner, there should be no need to fantasize about being with others... IN THE MOMENT. And I also agree, solo activity is a different thing.


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