# Is anyone in a marriage that's not so great, but you're staying anyway?



## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

Just wondering. Is anyone having problems and aware of the fact that it's really not a "successful" marriage, but you're staying anyway? What are your reasons for staying?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Many people stay for many different reasons, but settling for not wonderful isn't a good way to go. 

Couples that are staying together can find ways to make it better if they make the effort. So, my guess is that the couple stay and put up with less than wonderful because they are too lazy, or just don't know where to start, to make some efforts that might improve their situation.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

My marriage is far from perfect.. I know things are bad, yet I'm still here, and as selfish as it sounds, I'm here for the sake of my son. I don't want to put him through it. I'm to the point to where I don't feel the love in my marriage that was once there. The hubby says he loves me, but I sometimes think it's out of habit. I just don't know. Im doing my part to work it out, but the husband isn't doing his share. Im at a big fork in the road and I'm still trying to decide which way to go.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

If you read my post (EVER THOUGHT YOUR MARRIAGE WAS A MISTAKE) you'll find my answer...
Reason # 1 my kids


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Have you asked your husband if he's willing to try some different ways of responding to you and working to refresh your marriage? Many people feel a sense of security when they can take their relationship for granted, but it also takes away the spark. There are ways to get it back though, if you are both willing to put forth the effort.


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## hillybug (Jun 26, 2010)

Yes, but we know that we still love each other, despite our problems, and are both willing to work through our issues. Also we have 2 children, and it's not fair to them split the family up, just because things are "hard". When kids are involved, you have to take things that are less than ideal, because its not all about you anymore.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

thats wot im trying to decide nw


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## hurtin4certain (Jun 30, 2010)

Marriage is hard work...PERIOD. If you don't invest in it, you'll go bankrupt. It doesn't matter who you're with, you still have to do your 110% to keep the home fire burning. Yes, you may have to work a little harder on some issues that someone else may not have, but trust me, there would be something else that you'd have to work on. You are in a place that you chose to be. When two people marry, they are agreeing that they will do the work necessary to stay together. It's your choice whether that "together" is joyful or just not any fun at all. Start with some surprises. Anything will work...pick up your spouse's favorite softdrink on the way home from work. Order a sexy book to read together. Things may not always be great, but if you change it up on your part, it's sure to at least be different. :smthumbup:


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

what's missing in your marriage? what's "not so great" about it? you don't have to settle, and neither should your husband. 
what do you want more of? 
what do you want LESS of?

please reply--"not so great" implies FIXABLE.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

My marriage is in the worst place its ever been. I feel like its clinging together by a thread. 
I have tried talking to my H to discuss what we can do but he is so disconnected that all this does is fire anger.
I am still here though but I think if it wasn't for my kids I would be gone by now. I went through quite a big spiral of depression feeling hopeless. Then I realised that I had to get my act together. I started taking a bit better care of me. I started reading up what I can do. I started reading lots of threads here. 
So now I am on Project Me. I am doing everything I can to be better each and every day. I am still interacting with my H but I am putting in a healthy distance, I had become too 'needy', too dependent on him throwing a good word in my direction as if I were some subservient dog. 
I think there are very few marriages that don't hit a bad patch of some sort or other. I think if you are both prepared to work through it then you will manage it. Not so sure on the prognosis in my situation where only one of you wants to work it through, but I know that even if it all implodes today I am in a better place, physically and mentally, than I was even two weeks ago, and transformed from a month ago when I was a sobbing despondent wreck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i posted something akin to this thread,
when i 1st came here.

i think of the 50% (or so) marriages still alive, only 25%(or so)
are stable/healthy. leaving the other 25%(or so...lol)on life support systems.

and i might be "generous" w/ these figures of mine.


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## jhef83 (Jun 7, 2010)

Right now I'm sitting at home babysitting my 2 Granddaughters while my wife takes a 2 week trip out of state with her Mom, Aunt and Grandparents. She's been taking care of them since they were born. I decided to step up and do it while she's gone. This is my vacation. I'm trying very hard to make her happy but not getting much in return. She's called a couple times a day to check on us but never talks long. I think she's told everyone but me she misses them, she does tell me she loves me though. I'd love to hear her say she misses me. I tried to talk to her about us earlier this year but she gets defensive so now I just act like it doesn't bother me. I miss her but not like I would have a year or so ago. I don't know how much more I'll put up with. It all depends on her. I've already made it clear I want our marriage to work. I'm not nearly as depressed about it as I was. I'm getting an F'it attitude. Still got 12 days till her return and I never watched these girls for more than a day before so this is nerve racking. I little about my wife, she had a hysterectomy, has no ovaries, has thyroid disease, refuses to take hormones and we haven't had sex in 4 long years. She weights over 200 due to her thyriod, she was skinny when we married but I still think she's beautiful. Her eyes are gorgeous. Me I work 10-12 hours a day do most of the house work and satisfy myself looking at porn late at night which is getting old. I need some passionate sex. And I want it with her. But I don't see that happening. So why an I here? Waiting it out I guess.


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## PoppyRivera (Jul 11, 2010)

BorrowedHalo said:


> Just wondering. Is anyone having problems and aware of the fact that it's really not a "successful" marriage, but you're staying anyway? What are your reasons for staying?


I am in a marriage where it's painful to stay and painful to go. There are so many reasons that I'm still here. My son, my disability and afraid that I won't be able to get medical help where I want to go. My last reason is of course selfish. I don't want my marriage to end. I didn't get married to get a divorce. I don't want to be in a sexless marriage were he seems to hold resentment and regret towards me and our son. I don't know what's going on, every thought that's going through my mind is quietly screaming "cheating, affair, lying" and asking him doesn't get me any honest answers. I'm confused, depressed, worried and . . .I don't know what else.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

cb45 said:


> i posted something akin to this thread,
> when i 1st came here.
> 
> i think of the 50% (or so) marriages still alive, only 25%(or so)
> ...


Good point and YES you are being generous with your figures.


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## crushedsoul (Jul 13, 2010)

I too am in a marriage that I stay because of my children. At this point that is the only reason I am staying. I love my kids so much I cannot leave them. If I were to leave her, her and her family would do everything they could to hurt me by not seeing my children. I am so upset and confused. I am sorry I didnt' give you any advise, I am new to this as I have no one to talk to.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I am a recent newlywed and just want out, before I bring kids in to the factor. I have been unhappy and not as blissful as one should be when it comes to enjoying each other. I am scared to walk away, when deep down in my gut - I should ! I am more concerened how his parents and how hurt my mom might be. 
He knows I am unhappy - he tries but emotionally and physically i am withdrawn, it been 8 months of that.. I doubt it will ever re-surface.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

Yes.

My frustration stems from our sex life (see post). There is also a lack of respect I feel/command from my wife. I am growing weary of walking eggshells, fearing angering her. 

I am stayin cuz I have hope, cuz I love her more than I ever thought I could love another and of course because of the kids.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

hey Crushed,
its ok to vent yer probs here but u may want to start yer own thread so u can fully describe yer case, and people here can respond.....all w/out the OP (amber?) feeling like their thread or problems got hijacked (if u know what i mean:scratchhead

63Vino, my russian blue saw u up on the screen and "said" *PPPPPPPPPPPPPPuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

to which i replied, :iagree:


have a good pm everyone!----------------------ray:*


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I know way too many lonely married people... lonelier than single people I know and Im 40. To say that single 40 something's are less lonely than married's... that is a sad fact.

Im likely to start a meetup group "married and lonley" I think it would get a terrific response... and what fun we all could have hanging out going to movies, hiking, biking, jogging anything that our spouses wont do with us... give a compliment, have sex, whatever it is that is missing.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Oh and Im staying only for my kids, only. The good few days here and there arent worth it for any other reason, and that reason is dwindling. Its hard staying with being controlled and manipulated on a daily basis. I have truely come to understand that my husband doesnt know how to love unless everything is perfect and when things arent (which in real life they never are), he begins controlling everything around him but then blaming it on other sources. Justifying abuse, denying manipulation and taking pride in watching me get hurt or sad.

So, after the kids excuse fades, I will leave.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

whynot said:


> I know way too many lonely married people... lonelier than single people I know and Im 40. To say that single 40 something's are less lonely than married's... that is a sad fact.
> 
> Im likely to start a meetup group "married and lonley" I think it would get a terrific response... and what fun we all could have hanging out going to movies, hiking, biking, jogging anything that our spouses wont do with us... give a compliment, have sex, whatever it is that is missing.



Where can I sign up?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

whynots about to become very popular here at TAM........:lol:

u may have given me a good idea tho' 'nots.

hmmmm...........


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## jhef83 (Jun 7, 2010)

Sad_in_NY said:


> Where can I sign up?


:smthumbup: Me too! I'm 45 taking care of a 2 and 4 yr old to keep me from being lonely. It works but I'm pulling my hair out:crazy:


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## PoppyRivera (Jul 11, 2010)

Sad_in_NY said:


> Where can I sign up?


You and me both.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

I'm in the boat with you girl. I'm clinging to the cracks of my marriage's foundation right now. I have zero trust for my husband due to his infidelity and lies. I don't really know why I stay. People ask me that a lot. I think I stay because I am aware of the things I have done wrong in this marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I had done things differently, would things be better now. I don't know. I stay because of the children, because I come from a broken family, my mom was married 5 times. I also believe that I can never feel this way about another man. Thinking about him moving on and getting married again and having children with someone else makes me sick. I worry that I would be making a mistake if I left one that I couldn't correct and would always hurt. I also worry that all men are the same, so "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't". I don't have a lot of faith in marriage or men anymore. If I were to leave my H, I would be bitter. I will never be the same whether I stay or leave. In some ways, I wish I could go back in time to when I met him and run.


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## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

Thanks for all your input ladies. I get so tired of people acting like it's inconceivable that I would stay. I just can't see "sharing" the children. What a horrible life! I am not convinced that our problems are not fixable. Plus, they seem a LOT worse during one week out of every month!  Most of the things are just my gripes, and a few are things that have changed since his HARD deployment to Iraq where they lost 5 soldiers...one of which my H was the last to talk to. He had diffused a bomb and told my H that he was all clear. But there was another one under it. My H was working in the Ops center. But he heard/felt the blast and knew. 

The military needs to figure out how to help us wives help our husbands. It's so sad. It's been 5 years, but these problems have only gotten worse. 

The money is our worst problem. He, to his credit, has gotten a lot better. I'm hoping that this year...as I bring income in, for the first time...things begin to get better.

 Thanks again everyone.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

At this point in time, I hate my marriage. I look at my husband and I just want to cry because I have absolutely no respect for him. Part of these feelings may be because I'm 6 months pregnant with twins and very hormonal.

I've pretty much given up and accepted the fact that he's not going to change and that anything I want out of life I have to get myself without his help. Since we've been married, I've had one job and he's had too many to count. We've lived in the same apartment for years that I found and I got on my own. Both our cars were given to us by my grandmother. He does absolutely nothing for me or our children financially. Plus he drinks too much.

I am not going to leave him. The children adore him and he's actually a really nice guy. He makes me laugh all the time. I'm just tired of the BS and if I had it to do over again, I'm not so sure I would have married him.


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## AprilButterfly (Jul 26, 2010)

Unfortunately, I'm in this boat too. DH and I had a rocky, but romantic, start to our dating life...but neither he nor I are happy in our marriage. It's getting to the point where I can't remember the last time I felt happy in this relationship. 

We already know we're headed for divorce. But I selfishly want to stay married for another year; we moved to a foreign country shortly after getting hitched, and I don't want to be alone here.


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## Bellmount (Jul 28, 2010)

Yep im still with him and each day i keep on wondering why. I compleatly understand


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## CompFedUp (Aug 4, 2010)

Yep, I sure am. I stay for 2 reasons only. The first is my son, who is struggling with depression & trauma after his biological father abused him and I don't want to upset my son's life again. Second is I lost my job and have no income, so I'm financially forced to stay. I'm miserable - I want out, but I have to think of my son first.


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## Mrs. Wishy Washy (Aug 7, 2010)

Not sure myself. Here are possible reasons: our child, finances, fear of being alone, dreading the thought of learning to be intimate with someone else all over again although recently it wasn't a problem, what family will say, how the friend pool would split, because the thought of him with someone else still makes me a little mad. But in the end the answer is "I don't have a clue." Best of luck to you!


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## howdoidothis (Aug 17, 2010)

Runawaytrain said:


> I'm in the boat with you girl. I'm clinging to the cracks of my marriage's foundation right now. I have zero trust for my husband due to his infidelity and lies. I don't really know why I stay. People ask me that a lot. I think I stay because I am aware of the things I have done wrong in this marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I had done things differently, would things be better now. I don't know. I stay because of the children, because I come from a broken family, my mom was married 5 times. I also believe that I can never feel this way about another man. Thinking about him moving on and getting married again and having children with someone else makes me sick. I worry that I would be making a mistake if I left one that I couldn't correct and would always hurt. I also worry that all men are the same, so "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't". I don't have a lot of faith in marriage or men anymore. If I were to leave my H, I would be bitter. I will never be the same whether I stay or leave. In some ways, I wish I could go back in time to when I met him and run.



I dunno if I willbe heading for divorce or staying for the children and because I am still in love with my husband. Runaway, I feel exactly like you do. How long have you been keeping it up?


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## patience6 (Aug 18, 2010)

yep! i'm currently 5 months pregnant in staying in a marriage where I am more then sure my husband is doing the dirty on me, I am ashamed to admitt that I am tgrying to bury my head in the sand


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

So far, yes. We were together for 9 1/2 years before we got married and have been married for barely over a year. In the last year I learned that my husband is an amazing liar who can't be trusted with money. He also has anger and communication issues and has had a difficult time adjusting to being married and not just doing what he wants. I feel incredibly stupid for marrying him and wish that I hadn't. The main reason I'm still here is financial. I finished my master's degree nearly a year ago and still can't find a permanent job. We don't have kids yet, but I turn 30 in a few months and it's on my mind. I feel like if things don't improve soon, I'm going to have to leave and try to find someone else before it's too late to have kids. I'm afraid of having kids and then getting divorced. I was raised by a struggling single mom and spent every other weekend with my dad and I don't particularly want that for my kids.


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## patience6 (Aug 18, 2010)

I just got my masters when I got married and gave up the chance to complete a placment at the ECHR to stay with him and have this baby, I feel like a total idiot for marrying him, and feel like I have let myself down my not focusing on my aspirations... don't give up, keep searching for that job, if he's lying now do you really want your son or daughter to have liar?
As much as I can't wait to have my baby noone wants to bring a child up alone, and bringing a baby into a relationship where you are being treated this way would be a mistake.. I feel more vunrable now then ever, our baby has linked me to him for always despite us being togther or not, and he will always use that... If i'ts a baby you want I am sure it will for into place, cut him off now if you feel ready and give yourself the next couple of years to meet the right person and if not then find a good sperm donor, but do not stay with him to have a child if is capable of such deciet.


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## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

BorrowedHalo - Yep... I've been unhappy in my marriage for the last 8 years, and next week we will hit our 22 year anniversary. My husband has become addicted to his job and the Internet, to the point where our kids are completely invisible to him and he rarely acknowledges them or talks to them. But... I'm thankful that I have an incredible relationship with both our kids, and they are amazing people that I am so proud of   . My husband and I don't fight or argue, we've never raised our voices to each other in 22 years. We just basically "exist" in the same house.

The reason I've stayed is strictly financial. That sounds selfish and horrible, but it's true and I'm able to be honest about it. My husband's paycheck allows me to only work part time (from home) so that I can be a full time parent, which is by far the most important and amazing job I will ever have in my life. One of my daughters goes to an alternative-schedule school because of a sleep disorder, so as her mom I have to be available at odd times of the day (and night) for her school and for helping her with her school work. My being able to work only part time from home allows me to be a mom 100% of the time. If DH and I separated or divorced, I would have to work full time and wouldn't be able to support my daughter so that she can be successful in her life. 

Both my kids are teens and they are not stupid, they are very aware of what is going on. They have asked me why I stay, and I've explained to them that I stay because it allows me to be their mom the way I want to be able to parent them. Yes, I would rather not be with my DH anymore, since I've been emotionally divorced from him for years, but my kids are my #1 priority and staying is what works for now. If they were in any way exposed to fighting, arguing, abuse of any kind, we would be out of here in one second flat. But things are actually very calm at our home and so we stay.... it's by no means an ideal situation, but it works and as long as my kids and I keep up the wonderful open communication that we have, we're doing ok.

Wow... that was a good vent!!!! Thanks for starting this thread, it's wonderful to know that others are going through the same thing and to be able to talk about it


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## noluxatall (Aug 22, 2010)

I am staying because I have no where else to go. I am pregnant with my 2nd child and I just recently got laid off. I cannot find a job because they will not hire me =(. I am just in a constant battle with my husband. I never get respect and now that I don't have a job it's even worst.


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## CANTARES16 (Aug 26, 2010)

Hello:
I am new to this thread and sympathized with what all of you are saying. My marriage is a wreck. I have been struggleling for 6 years on trying to make it work. For some reason I can't just let it go and say no more cheating. But I guess I am stuck here because I want my kids to have what I didnt have, which is a family. A family for me consist of mom and dad, but I am at the edge of giving up. I have gone through with DH domestic violence, cheating consistantly, make videos of masturbating and posting it on the internet, taking pictures of his erected penis, and bills of phone calls to DR because he was calling this woman he met on myspace... Also that I am fat and no a great mom to my kids. Right now is been three weeks and he has not touched me, he says is because I am fat and discusting. I just gave birth 4 months ago and have lost all the baby fat and in top of that I lost 10 more. I am just wanting to run away fromn this situation, so yes I understand you and am holding strong in here... I hope I get the strength to get this over with.


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## Allison2010 (Aug 26, 2010)

I stay in my marriage for my three year old daughter. Currently, my H and I moved in with my parents for financial reasons. I think the biggest problem is that we live back home with my parents! I have not been intimiate with my husband for the year we have lived here plus the two years prior which equal a total of three frustrating years. We are now financially stable and ready to move out ASAP. I guess at this point I stay in my marriage because I am too dependent on my spouse. He works, and I stay home. I went back to school but will not be finished in two-more years. My arrangement at this point is for convenience and money. I feel horrible for typing such selfish remarks, but its true. Such a sad day. Didn't think I would be this miserable when I said "I Do ". Sometimes I think of telling my H to move out without me and our daughter so I can be happy on my own or someone else. I can't bring myself to take my daughters father away....so I stay in this so called marriage.


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## CANTARES16 (Aug 26, 2010)

breeze said:


> When you were growing up, would you have wanted a father like him in your life? Would you have wanted a mother who was so degraded by her husband that she couldn't take care of herself, let alone her childre
> 
> Well I would never wanted a father like this, neither would have wanted a mother who was degraded. But I am in a position in where I am so confused on what should I do. I was thinking to move to Florida where my grandparents are and leave everything behind to start a fresh new start. But is only a thought, I tried talking to H and he just says that there is nothing wrong with our marriage. Is like talking to a brick wall. Today is the last time a talk to him if nothing productive comes out of this conversation, then is set I am leaving to FL.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Google "Un-divorce"

Staying in mediocre/lousy marriages for financial or other convenient/unromantic reasons has become common enough that we now have a word for it.

The Un-Divorce: When Leaving Your Marriage Is Just Too Much Work


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## CJ1978 (Sep 1, 2010)

I feel that the only reason we've stayed together this long is for our kids. I was married once before and my ex turned into someone I didn't know - lying, wanting to move around and not keep a job or pay bills, and in the end he tried to cheat on me with a 15 YEAR OLD, and then his ex girlfriend got into the mix. I dislike drama and I knew the day I found all of this out that I would leave him, BUT it was a 'process' as I had a baby at that time, and didn't know what to do, and was scared to drag my family into it. 

So....I've been there before, and I have 3 kids now, been with my husband for 10 years. We've had our good times, but sadly I remember the bad times more! 
I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years, and I worry about finances, finding a good job, maintaining a dependable vehicle, etc. Plus our house is paid for, I love where I live, I love our critters, and I don't want to loose them either. It's just very hard, and he is a hard person to live with and to love. He's never cheated on me, he is the hardest worker I know, tries his best to get all the bills paid, has been under a lot of stress because of recent change in jobs <he lost his job due to them closing down>. And in the end he takes it out on me, wanting to be mean to me for every single little thing that goes wrong in his 'perfect' little world.
Yet, here I am still here. 
How I deal with it? I have no idea. I just want to SCREAM! I want to break something <but I don't!>. I just want to let out all that frustration! 
I try to set my mind to something, I'll write short stories <99% never get finished!>, I'll try to read, or watch a movie/tv show, I'll go out and work on a project whether it's weeding the flower bed, coming up with something new in the barn, or visiting with our critters. 

I really am tired of seeing all of the others being couples, and being happy....and me sitting over here....jealous, wishing I had a spouse that was like that... I wish there was an easier way to make it all better, or cut it off like water from a faucet...and move...


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## Zonygirl2 (Sep 1, 2010)

I have been married for almost 2 years. I came into the marriage with 2 children and we recently had a baby. My frustration is his interaction with the children. Before we married he knew my children were my #1 priorities, especially their happiness. I feel as though once we got married he felt as though he had me and there was no need to impress me or the children anymore. Our new baby is 2 mos old and he doesn't connect with her at all. It hurts my feelings. I remember being daddy's little girl...its the greatest feeling. He sleeps in the other bedroom to avoid her cries at night, if I ask him to hold her while he says he needs to go outside to smoke or he's tired. I remain in this marriage because of my desire to please GOD and for my children. Not that their going to miss out because their dad/step dad doesn't do anything with them, but it's like a cover up and I don't want them to have to go through a divorce.


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## 101desperation (Sep 2, 2010)

Yep. I stay because I have one more young child to go. I stay for him and because of money. If I were to leave, my self-employed husband would be able to hide the money and leave me penniless. It's a no win. I'm miserable.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I am in a marriage where I do believe if I could take care of myself financially, I would have been gone a long time ago. I have what you would call "the walk away wife syndrome." The only reason I am still here is b/c of the feeling of nowhere to go, not enough money to do it, and my kids. I feel like no matter which way I turn that it is a losing situation. If I stay in this marriage, I lose b/c it isn't getting any better, and I will have to settle for a lousy marriage. If I leave, how can that be anything but losing? Especially when the kids will be hurt by it more than I could know. I have to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. That is NOT winning. I still believe though, if I had the finances that I would leave. I am stuck in this prison, but I really DO want out.


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## Liam_680 (Aug 31, 2010)

I am in a one year relationship and everything seems to be repetitive, nothing changes, he has some attitude problems and although I did see his efforts of trying to change it for me, when he gets really mad - he couldnt control his mouth and say the most undesirable things.. he also dont have any plans in his life, he lets things happen in its own course, he doesnt make any effort in making a change.. 

I love him but I started to have doubts lately if it is even right to continue the relationship even if I think we would have no future together... but i still stay because I just dont believe in giving up and finding a better man.. I would always rather stay with him even though he is the worst man to be with and just suffer the consequences of my decision


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## Liam_680 (Aug 31, 2010)

I am in a one year relationship and everything seems to be repetitive, nothing changes, he has some attitude problems and although I did see his efforts of trying to change it for me, when he gets really mad - he couldnt control his mouth and say the most undesirable things.. he also dont have any plans in his life, he lets things happen in its own course, he doesnt make any effort in making a change.. 

I love him but I started to have doubts lately if it is even right to continue the relationship even if I think we would have no future together... but i still stay because I just dont believe in giving up and finding a better man.. I would always rather stay with him even though he is the worst man to be with and just suffer the consequences of my decision


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## Karelise (Sep 8, 2010)

I seriously approve of any man who is into his woman, married or not. Good for you for being there for her. I wish that my husband was willing to do half the things you are. Anyone who is willing to go the extra mile deserves a woman worthy of the attention. She just needs to accept that you're doing plenty for her, and that you're all she needs. I've been telling myself that lately, and it's hard to do sometimes, but she should know she's lucky. Good luck!!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you think about it, marriage is an institution specifically designed to keep you bonded to someone you'd rather be free of. If people stayed madly in love, there would be no need for any institution to keep them together. They'd simply stay together because they chose to.


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## twilight101 (Sep 15, 2010)

We have no affection or sex in our marriage. I stay mostly for my children (only 5 and 7 ). Especially the youngest adores his dad and I can't bear to break the family apart. Also, to be honest, it would be hard financially. We have a nice home neither of us could afford on our own. A divorce would force us both to move to lesser homes, also negatively affecting the kids.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

I think there's a difference between an unhappy marriage and an imperfect marriage. The reality is there is no such thing as a "perfect marriage" but many still believe it exists and feel let down when theirs doesn't measure up.

Marriages ebb and flow over time, people change, external elements shift. It's important to be sure to distinguish between a problem marriage and one that may just be in a lull period and could use a little charge to reconnect.


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## AllTornUp (Sep 28, 2010)

Wow, it's sad to see so many people in this situation, yet comforting to know I'm not alone. I just posted a long one about this in the parenting section. Long story short - we agreed on 2 kids before getting married, because that was a deal-breaker for me. If he had changed his mind before we had a child I would have left him easily (Seeya!). Now it's not so easy because we have one child and he changed his mind about having a second, which is the main source of our problems. After 2 years of arguing fruitlessly about this (there is NO compromise here - someone has to be the loser) I am feeling very bitter and resentful to him, but don't want to leave him and deprive my daughter of a father growing up. What is the lesser of 2 evils? Growing up with divorced parents or growing up with 2 parents who are friendly but no longer in love?

I know without a doubt that I would die for my daughter, so if I am willing to sacrifice my life for her, shouldn't I be willing to sacrifice my life for her? (happiness, hopes of more children, etc). Getting hit by a bus or jumping into a raging river to save her means a quick death but this feels like a slow painful one. 

I have ordered a book from my library in the hopes of finding some direction and relief from my feelings of hopelessness and depression. It's called "Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married For the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy" by Joshua Coleman. Sounds perfect for my situation. Has anyone else read it? I hope it doesn't take long to come in!

I am planning on a total life makeover as much as possible - I'm going to get more exercise (hot yoga!) and pick an activity I enjoy to learn more about and get out of the house more. My husband comes home from work and watches TV or plays computer games non-stop all evening. I'm alone every evening after my daughter goes to bed, and lonely. I'd love to join a "married and lonely" club. I also think a trip to the sex shop is in order because I'm certainly not getting any satisfaction from my husband these days (I refuse to go back on the pill).


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## Luciddreamer (Apr 23, 2010)

Well, my reason is partly financial, but in a different way. I am actually the main breadwinner in the family, as my husband lost his full-time job several years ago and has only been able to get part-time work since (partly due to health issues -- some jobs he can't do anymore). But due to him losing his job, health costs, trying to juggle with credit cards, etc. we got into financial trouble and had to declare Chapter 13 bankruptcy. We are now paying our required amount faithfully each month and have straightened out our finances and spending habits, but there is no way I can leave in the middle of the bankruptcy period without totally destroying everything (for me as well as for him). Since some of the original financial mess was my fault, I don't think it is fair for me to abandon him and probably lose the house and so forth, so I am sticking it out at least until we get through our allotted time (3 more years now). 
Sometimes there is just no good way to do things, unless you want to be a total jerk, which I don't. It's not that my husband is a terrible person -- messed up, maybe, but not a bad guy. I know I made a mistake marrying him, but that is partly my fault too -- I shouldn't have married anyone. (I have realized too late that marriage isn't for me -- had been divorced before, but didn't learn in time that it was me as much as the other person).
So, I do sympathize with anyone who feels "stuck" for whatever reason.


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## Asmarino (Aug 20, 2010)

My marriage is under life support (and has been like that for the last 5 years). I hate to admit failure and couln't accept that my marriage has failed. That is the reason I cannot switch off the life support. I am determined to switch it off and declare it officially expired soon.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

I would have stayed in my first marriage forever even though he refused to work and generally was a poor husband and father. I would have stayed for the kids because I wanted them to have an intact family. I caught him cheating, forgave him, and went through all the work to change me in attempt to keep him from cheating again. When I caught him again a couple years later I was done. We divorced. Now he's cheating on his 4th wife.... Maybe it wasn't me.  I learned that the kids are ok and that staying in an unhealthy relationship for them was ultimately not good for anyone.


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## winner54 (Aug 12, 2008)

For those of us who are victims of "learned helplessness", we are still hanging in because of that situation.......simply put, we have been conditioned to feel that we can not make it on our own without him. We're programmed to think that no one will help us, we will never land a good job and no other person will want us as a partner. 
Fortunately, I found out about this stigma a few years ago. In the meantime, have tried to make the marriage work, one last time. It's no good. There's PTSD from Vietnam on his part and that played a big role in how he handled our relationship. I'll tell you, it was not pretty.So, now he's in therapy, taking meds and wanting me to take another shot at the marriage.....yeah, right. The woman's name that he slept with 5 years ago has magically found it's way into his cell phone again.
There's a part in a song by Evanessence that says 'there's just too much that time cannot erase". That's how I feel about my marriage of 35 years. He has caused me too much pain and distress to let it all go.
So, now I am just bidding my time, waiting for a new job to present itself, saving some cash, then I'm outta here!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Wow...I just joined today and can't BELIEVE how many people are in the same situation I am! I'm so glad I found you all! I started a thread, just don't know how to find it...could really use some advise as well! =)


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## loouise (Oct 5, 2010)

yes absolutely. i simply cannot afford to leave. plus for my son.


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## redcatcherb412 (Oct 8, 2010)

Believe me you can have both unhappy and imperfect. 
*Imperfect* 
as in the wife for 4 years lived with another man. During that time she was going to divorce me, marry him. Came home repeatedly over the 4 years, the time gone varied from a few weeks to 6 months at a time. Yep, I let her come back each time, lived thru the brief honeymoon period, saw therapists, psychiatrists etc. But if anything got her mad, off she scooted again. Finally after he managed to spend every penny of both our life savings, plus talk her into getting numerous credit cards in her name with him allowed to charge on them. She saw he was a con-man. WHen the bills came due, he paid nothing and left her (me) in the lurch. The imperfection being that I had let things get to the point she left me in the first place.

*Unhappy* 
Now she has been back for 4 years, I am still paying off her and the BF's credit cards (almost done). No intimacy between us. She states it is due to that it was my fault she was 'forced' to live with another and love another. She gets mad when I tell her it doesn't bother me. I won't tell her that I harbor enough hurt over thinking of the 2 of them together over that 4 years that I really don't want anything intimate to do with her either. 

Now the clincher ...

I met this girl when she was 14, she waited for me to come back from Vietnam which I came back shot up and broken. Married me, nursed me through, became an Army wife. Stayed at home raising 3 daughters, and always was the love of my life. I accept what was an 'imperfect marriage' and mainly my fault. I forgave her all, even though to this day she says she never cheated on me since she left me to marry another, not have an affair. 

We still say we love each other, I doubt we are 'in love' as we were and will probably never get back there, but will grow old and die together as we envisioned so many years ago.

So, sometimes we stay in an imperfect and even unhappy marriage. Roll over some very big rocks and come out bruised and a bit battered. And we hold out that hope that the spark that started it all will come back some day.

Oh, we passed our 42nd anniversary this year.

Maybe not happy enough of the time, imperfect in many ways, but dammit all I still see my 14 year old love at times when I look upon her face, and she doesn't realize what I am looking for and seeing.





lisakifttherapy said:


> I think there's a difference between an unhappy marriage and an imperfect marriage. The reality is there is no such thing as a "perfect marriage" but many still believe it exists and feel let down when theirs doesn't measure up.
> 
> Marriages ebb and flow over time, people change, external elements shift. It's important to be sure to distinguish between a problem marriage and one that may just be in a lull period and could use a little charge to reconnect.


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## Jinnyandlamb (Nov 6, 2010)

Ya, I'm in a bit of a pickle, my husband of one year has been caught by me numberous time sending inappropriate text messages to woman and has lied to me allot about what he's doing or who he's seeing. He keeps denying everthing till he's caught. And I know truths he still wont admit, I told him I hate half truthes and feeling uncomfortable. I told him that i would leave if i could never trust him again and he crumbled, and he said he'll change...what do i do? I'm waiting to be disappointed again and again. Its no way to live and I really need help, i'm also very peraniod by the texting.:scratchhead:


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Yes I am and am pretty sure I stay due to my own lack of confidence. I am in therapy to try to work on this. Also trying to bring up issues with husband more often. I think I am on the right track and will end up with some resolution eventually (either he will agree to discuss issues and reach resolution or I will leave), but I am finding you just don't go out and get confidence in a few counseling sessions! I feel I have made a lot of progress but it's taken over a year. My problems stem from considerable abuse as a child and I never realized this until I went to counseling.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Also wanted to mention this thread is great! I had no idea so many felt the same way. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I have learned a lot just reading all the posts and it certainly makes me feel better knowing I do not struggle alone.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

whynot said:


> Im likely to start a meetup group "married and lonely" I think it would get a terrific response... and what fun we all could have hanging out going to movies, hiking, biking, jogging anything that our spouses wont do with us... give a compliment, have sex, whatever it is that is missing.


:iagree:

Where do I sign up? For almost 20 years my husband and I lives almost separate lives. Then, two years ago we reconciled and really changed things and decided to invest in our marriage and made some significant changes. Our kids are older now so we could go out and have a good time together for the first time in years. For about a year we had a blast. Then the bottom fell out of our marriage. He got depressed, started drinking and despite everything I've done to make things better nothing seems to work. 

Now he says he needs "space". He won't even make plans on the weekends with me because he wants to have "options". He doesn't want to discuss things and when we do it turns into a fight. It's killing me. He says I'm a control freak and do everything "to the extreme". I'll admit it, I'm a very intense person and not easy to live with but I consider myself fun and for a middle aged woman, I'm pretty damn good looking (no bragging here). 

I'd love a group of people to do stuff with. I don't want to find another man, have an affair, etc..I just want to have fun and not be lonely! I don't know where we are going to end up. I gave up so much of my life, all my hobbies to build a life with him and now I don't a life of my own or one with him. 

I drown out my anger and sorrow by taking tranquilizers, playing video games, working out and spending time with my kids (who are terrific!) and working at my job. I keep hoping it'll get better someday. Maybe..maybe not. Soon I'll be starting therapy again and hope that will help. I don't want to divorce and keep hoping things will get better again. I feel like a starving man who got a taste of steak for a few minutes and now I'm back to bread and water. 

Yeah, life sucks sometimes. I love my husband and when things are good, they are really good and we have a great sex life. I really don't want to leave but I don't like what's become of our marriage. I gave up a lot to try and make our marriage work and now I feel sad and abandoned.  I don't even have the energy to be angry. I just feel...lost. 

Guess there's a lot of people out there in the same boat as I am. Don't know whether that makes me feel better or hopeful. Definitely could use a support group, that's for sure.


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