# I'm happier when my husband isn't around



## Eireann

I have been married for 23 years to a guy who is really overall a good person, husband, father. However, in the last couple of years, he's had some career disappointments, and our financial situation isn't the best it could be (we pay all our bills, but are digging ourselves out from a ridiculous amount of debt). Anyway, I feel that the sum total of our conversations are him discussing/complaining about every aspect of his job. Trying to discuss my feelings with him is a losing proposition because he is of a very logical/analytical nature and simply proceeds to explain to me why my feelings don't make sense--or he turns the conversation back on himself and his feelings. If I say he hurt my feelings, well, his feelings are hurt, too. He seems to anger more easily than he used to, and when he does, he slams doors and stomps around. Sometimes I don't say things for fear he'll create a little scene. We don't argue in front of the kids, but he makes these little scenes from time to time which I find childish and selfish. 

He doesn't do much of anything to help around the house, except he does do his and my kids' laundry (I do my own by choice, not because he wouldn't). He mostly hangs around in his basement rec/tv room, and occasionally makes martyr like comments about how "no one comes down here to see me." One night he was gone to Lowe's for quite some time and when I called to check on him, he made some comment about "since someone finally missed me." 

I do all the cooking and shopping, and almost all of the cleaning. Yet the only comments I ever hear--it seems to me--are "Can you start getting two milks instead of one? We're always out of milk," and, when I ran out of butter, "Well, this doesn't seem to be especially well planned out." None of these comments are a big deal in and of themselves, but when it seems like that's the only thing you're hearing. . .

This is all my side of the story, of course, but I am very interested to hear anyone's perspective outside of my own.


----------



## sinnister

Depression.

Job stress can destroy a mans world.


----------



## accept

Look he is depressed and there is not much you can do. I suppose you dont work. I think you should take on more of the housework, if its stressful for him. You also have to do things together like a jigsaw. He feels alone you have to change that.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

If it's any consolation, like you, I'm happier when my wife isn't around. But that doesn't solve anything for either of us.

In my humble opinion, whatever his problems are, your husband is suffering from a leadership crisis. Instead of trying to challenge you for whose feeling hurt the most or whining about not getting attention, he needs to take responsibility for himself, your marriage and your family. Your kids need to see an example of strength, courage and loving behavior regardless of whatever setbacks life has dealt to him. He should be more concerned with providing direction, support and being of service to you and your kids and a little less concerned about himself, especially about how he feels.


----------



## s.k

accept said:


> Look he is depressed and there is not much you can do. I suppose you dont work. I think you should take on more of the housework, if its stressful for him. You also have to do things together like a jigsaw. He feels alone you have to change that.


That is pretty harsh. Why should she do more, why cant he make the effort and wake up to see what she is putting up with. Why cant he do the shopping if she isnt organised in his head. 

Eireann I think you should say what you have on your mind im sure your stressed out to with the debt that your in. So his stress shouldnt put you down if you can be adult enough not to let your stress be known to him in making snide comments then he should do the same.


----------



## accept

This post is not about what is right or wrong. She has posted and wants to improve and that is one way even if its 'wrong'. I would add that slamming doors means he wants to punch you. Do you antagonize him at all.


----------



## s.k

How is it her fault if his slamming doors, thats his way of being intimidating. Your just being really incosiderate have u woke up on the wrong side of bed today??


----------



## accept

No its his way of responding to being antagonized.


----------



## Eireann

accept said:


> Look he is depressed and there is not much you can do. I suppose you dont work. I think you should take on more of the housework, if its stressful for him. You also have to do things together like a jigsaw. He feels alone you have to change that.


Actually, I do work full-time.


----------



## s.k

No its itimdating accept that your being harsh. I think you have women issues that need fixing good luck to you, your going to need it if your that insensitive.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I agree that it sounds like it could be clinical depression, has he been to a doctor about that?


----------



## NaturalHeart

Clearly he sounds depressed. The things you talk about could be far worse than what they actually are. Seriously


----------



## Michelle27

I have been down this road. My husband was diagnosed with depression about 3.5 years ago (but has been depressed for close to 5.5 years). It took awhile for us to realize it could be depression because his major symptom was anger eruptions. About all he could handle during that time was his job so even though I too work full time (and bring in 75% of the household income), I ended up taking over everything to do with parenting and running the household. My husband works out of town so for 4 days he's home and off work, and 4 days he's out of town working 4 twelve hour night shifts. So when he's out of town he has no responsibilities other than his job. I even pack him home cooked meals for his 4 days out of town (7 in total). 

Over time my resentments built because I felt there was no breaks for me in my parenting and household responsibilities even when he was home....and in fact, I felt that I now had one more person to "take care of" when he was home. That resentment grew to the point that I realized that I was much happier when he was out of town. I didn't have to deal with his unpredictable moods and also didn't have HIM to take care of. That's a sad way to live. Things have improved now to the point that he is making more of an effort to help out (he now cooks one meal during the four days he's home and is working on helping more around the house as well as getting help for his depression). But I am still struggling with resentments for all the years of this. I realize this is my problem, and I'm working on it. I have also told him that it's going to take time for me to get to the point that I'm no longer worried about what him being home with bring and he is usually pretty understanding about it. 

Depression is a pain for everyone...but your husband has to be the one to want to get help. Believe me, I tried to "take over" for so many years only to have him feel like I was nagging and pushing him to do something he wasn't ready to do. But being there as a supportive person can help. Good luck.


----------



## southern wife

Eireann said:


> If I say he hurt my feelings, well, his feelings are hurt, too.
> 
> We don't argue in front of the kids, but he makes these little scenes from time to time which I find childish and selfish.
> 
> He doesn't do much of anything to help around the house, except he does do his and my kids' laundry (I do my own by choice, not because he wouldn't).
> 
> ....makes martyr like comments about how "no one comes down here to see me." "since someone finally missed me."
> 
> "Can you start getting two milks instead of one? We're always out of milk," and, when I ran out of butter, "Well, this doesn't seem to be especially well planned out."
> 
> This is all my side of the story.


Just from what you've said here, it seems that this man is *screaming for attention - positive attention*. Sure careers go bad, or whatever, but at least he still has a job.....right? He does help with laundry. Why not try setting up a "cleaning schedule" where everyone pitches in, kids included, so all the burden is not mostly on one person.

Why not take him a nice cold beer down to "his" basement and say "hey, what'cha doin' down here?" Plan better for the shopping - make a list what you're out of. Ask HIM is he needs anything from the store. I often call my H on my way home from work to see if he needs anything from the store. It's a small gesture, easily carried out, and he appreciates that I think of him like that.


----------



## EleGirl

accept said:


> This post is not about what is right or wrong. She has posted and wants to improve and that is one way even if its 'wrong'. I would add that slamming doors means he wants to punch you. Do you antagonize him at all.


If a man is at the point that he wants to punch his wife, it's time for her to divorce him.... not for her to be intimidated, careful and not antagonize him.


----------



## jayde

southern wife said:


> Just from what you've said here, it seems that this man is *screaming for attention - positive attention*.
> 
> Why not take him a nice cold beer down to "his" basement and say "hey, what'cha doin' down here?" Plan better for the shopping - make a list what you're out of. Ask HIM is he needs anything from the store. I often call my H on my way home from work to see if he needs anything from the store. It's a small gesture, easily carried out, and he appreciates that I think of him like that.


I agree that he's screaming for positive attention. He is also suffering from low self-esteem. One way people deal with this is to put down others ("Not very well planned") which increases their own self esteem in a relative manner. 

I think these suggestions are really really good... BUT, brace yourself for him to find fault with this too. If you can not take these put downs/insults personally (yes, it will be hard) and just reinforce that you are being nice in an objective fashion, this miight help him to start to 'move' from where he's at. For example, if you bring him something to his man-cave and he snaps at you, your reply might be that "I wanted to come down and see how you are. We miss you upstairs" - he might have something snide to say about this too, but at least you have provided a positive message for him.

I know from my depression that much of my behavior were bad habits that self-perpetuated the depression. 

And yes, he should get evaluated for depression just to see if it is that and what the treatment options are.

Good luck.


----------



## accept

Well we seem to have started about the same time here and also to follow each other and you have many more posts than me.
We hardly ever agree but thats life and thats why we are both here. I will try again but dont think it will help you to understand. If someone is antagonised he has to retaliate, well he feels he has to. He would like to punch her which of course would be reason for divorce like you say. Instead he vents his anger on the door. Not a reason for divorce. I cant make it clearer.


----------



## speakingforsomemen

Depression is brutal. If you love him, stick by him, if you don't you should move on. This seems to have been going on a long time.


----------



## Enginerd

He's depressed and struggling from losing his self-identity. Many men, including myself, tend to identify themselves by what they do and how well they provide for their family. We are programmed to be providers and when we can't do that we become very lost. How do I know? Because I was your husband and my wife was also happier when I wasn't around. 

About three years ago I was home alone and I was looking at some old pictures (This is what depressed people do.). Deep in a box I've never looked in I came across a picture of my wife with her boyfriend from the 80's. They were on a couch together and she was looking at him as he looked into the camera. The joyful expression on her face was something I hadn't seen in many years. I was very jealous and sad all at once. She was looking at him with such obvious admiration that I was stunned. I literally cried for an hour. At that point I realized I needed to get her to look at me this way again. I knew I needed to get over myself and my many perceived disappointments. I needed to become someone she could admire and someone my family wanted to be around. I needed to be the leader that I thought I was. It was a turning point that I'll never forget.

Here's the key: Your husband needs to realize that if he continues to tie his self worth to his career he will never be happy. Corporate America is a soulless vacuum that will suck all the humanity out of you if you let it. Don't let Corporate America define you because they are not worthy. I also realized that I was a perfectionist in an imperfect world. I needed to stop sweating the small stuff and keep my eye on the big picture. What would my kids think of me after I died of a stroke? Would they remember why I stressed or would they just remember that I was stressed all the time? Do they care if my day at work is satisfying? Not so much. 

My solution: I stopped looking at my career as a zero sum game and learned to take a more philosophical approach to the job market. I began daily cardio and focused on introducing only positive elements to my life. I changed my diet which helped clear my head (no sugar!). I completed some inexpensive home projects and joined a coed volleyball league so I could be around positive people. In about 3 months my head began to rise above the depression fog. I started to realize how much I had to offer my wife, my children and my future employer. I broaden my job search and I rewrote my resume many times. It wasn't easy but everyday I would dedicate 2-3 hours to the job search and I was really aggressive. I knew that I would come across as pushy to some potentional employers, but realized I would fit in better with an aggressive crowd anyway. What did I have to lose? I ended up having to move my family out of state to find a good position which was not without its consequences, but I no longer tie my self worth to my career and have been a much happier guy to be around. There is one caveat. If your husband figures this out and makes the changes you say you want be sure you're ready to love the new man. My wife took a couple of years to get over her resentment and it nearly ruined us. 

Good Luck


----------



## oldfashioned1

It sounds like a pain in the butt to go home to everynight. lol But.. For better or worse. It sounds like he is just going through self esteem issues etc. like the other posters have mentioned. It happend to me when I made a big move and didn't have a job for a few months. I felt like a looser.

If you can muster up the strength to be supportive ven tho he is acting childish, perhaps you could try to put a positive spin on it for him and say something like" you know, you may not have this amount of time off in the future when you go back to work so maybe you should take advantage of it and ...."
Then if somehow maybe you could lead him to Tony Robbins website or some motivational speaker. There are alot of self discovery and career path self tests and stuff on Tony's that are free. It might give him some inspiration and just enough motivation to get off his butt and quit feeling sorry for himself.


----------



## RP49D22

Eireann said:


> I have been married for 23 years to a guy who is really overall a good person, husband, father. However, in the last couple of years, he's had some career disappointments, and our financial situation isn't the best it could be (we pay all our bills, but are digging ourselves out from a ridiculous amount of debt). Anyway, I feel that the sum total of our conversations are him discussing/complaining about every aspect of his job. Trying to discuss my feelings with him is a losing proposition because he is of a very logical/analytical nature and simply proceeds to explain to me why my feelings don't make sense--or he turns the conversation back on himself and his feelings. If I say he hurt my feelings, well, his feelings are hurt, too. He seems to anger more easily than he used to, and when he does, he slams doors and stomps around. Sometimes I don't say things for fear he'll create a little scene. We don't argue in front of the kids, but he makes these little scenes from time to time which I find childish and selfish.
> 
> He doesn't do much of anything to help around the house, except he does do his and my kids' laundry (I do my own by choice, not because he wouldn't). He mostly hangs around in his basement rec/tv room, and occasionally makes martyr like comments about how "no one comes down here to see me." One night he was gone to Lowe's for quite some time and when I called to check on him, he made some comment about "since someone finally missed me."
> 
> I do all the cooking and shopping, and almost all of the cleaning. Yet the only comments I ever hear--it seems to me--are "Can you start getting two milks instead of one? We're always out of milk," and, when I ran out of butter, "Well, this doesn't seem to be especially well planned out." None of these comments are a big deal in and of themselves, but when it seems like that's the only thing you're hearing. . .
> 
> This is all my side of the story, of course, but I am very interested to hear anyone's perspective outside of my own.


I have been married 21yrs and coming from a husbands point of view, I think he is buckling under the pressure and stress of trying to cover things financially. The last 2-3yrs have been tough on everyone.

He probably feels alone and like nobody gives a dam....hence his comment from the basement or Lowe's. He might be crying out for attention in his own way, because he's so stressed.....I know I was.

The best advice I can give you is to engage in conversation with him, let him vent about the job, the bills, etc., and don't take it personal. I think he needs an outlet and you need to be there for him right now...listen, talk, communicate. My wife wasn't in a position to do that many years ago and it led to greater problems.

I understand that you have feels too, but you might need to focus on his right now on account of the pressure he is under.


----------

