# Marriage minus sex



## 358848 (20 d ago)

So I’m currently separated and I was wondering if I manage to salvage my relationship is it possible to have a successful marriage without intimacy? Are there any success stories with this? Me and my spouse are pretty much done with all things resembling intimacy and romance. If we stay together it would be for the kids and companionship. Should I offer an arrangement to her so our needs can get make outside the relationship?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

HopelessinCT said:


> Should I offer an arrangement to her so our needs can get make outside the relationship?


Sure, if that’s what you want.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Sounds fraught with danger


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

HopelessinCT said:


> So I’m currently separated and I was wondering if I manage to salvage my relationship is it possible to have a successful marriage without intimacy? Are there any success stories with this? Me and my spouse are pretty much done with all things resembling intimacy and romance. If we stay together it would be for the kids and companionship. Should I offer an arrangement to her so our needs can get make outside the relationship?


Of course you can have a marriage without intimacy. Many do. The question is DO you WANT to have a marriage without intimacy. If you are opening the marriage what would be the point? Just divorce. Just realize that if you open it it opens for both people.

I assume since you are talking about opening it you are the one not having your sexual needs met.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Are those needs what we think they are?

Does your wishes line up with hers?

Is this your idea, or hers?

Let me guess.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


HopelessinCT said:



So I’m currently separated and I was wondering if I manage to salvage my relationship is it possible to have a successful marriage without intimacy? Are there any success stories with this? Me and my spouse are pretty much done with all things resembling intimacy and romance. If we stay together it would be for the kids and companionship. Should I offer an arrangement to her so our needs can get make outside the relationship?

Click to expand...

*Ugh. Stop being so damned desperate. Does your wife actually think this type of a **** show that you're going to propose to her is something she would want? To be roommates who date other people but put on a dog and pony show for your kids? 

Stop the dysfunction for the love of all that's holy.

Just* move on*. It's time to put your big boy pants on and stop clinging to your wife's skirt for god's sake. This is so pathetic.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh. Stop being so damned desperate. Does your wife actually think this type of a **** show that you're going to propose to her is something she would want? To be roommates who date other people but put on a dog and pony show for your kids?
> 
> Stop the dysfunction for the love of all that's holy.
> 
> Just* move on*. It's time to put your big boy pants on and stop clinging to your wife's skirt for god's sake. This is so pathetic.


It's the new American Male. SMH


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

HopelessinCT said:


> So I’m currently separated and I was wondering if I manage to salvage my relationship is it possible to have a successful marriage without intimacy? Are there any success stories with this? Me and my spouse are pretty much done with all things resembling intimacy and romance. If we stay together it would be for the kids and companionship. Should I offer an arrangement to her so our needs can get make outside the relationship?


Why are you done with intimacy and romance? Did I miss something? I don't think a person could sustain a healthy relationship without intimacy and romance.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

HopelessinCT said:


> So I’m currently separated and I was wondering if I manage to salvage my relationship is it possible to have a successful marriage without intimacy? Are there any success stories with this? Me and my spouse are pretty much done with all things resembling intimacy and romance. If we stay together it would be for the kids and companionship. Should I offer an arrangement to her so our needs can get make outside the relationship?


Why bother?
Why not just get a divorce, agree to joint custody of the kids and get a dog for companionship.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

gameopoly5 said:


> Why bother?


Maybe, he's like you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let me ask you this...your chidlren are going to look at the both of you as a role model for a marraige, for a mate to spend their life with is this what you want them to walk away. a marriage based on some arrangement? that is just sad.


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## 358848 (20 d ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Of course you can have a marriage without intimacy. Many do. The question is DO you WANT to have a marriage without intimacy. If you are opening the marriage what would be the point? Just divorce. Just realize that if you open it it opens for both people.
> 
> I assume since you are talking about opening it you are the one not having your sexual needs met.


Neither of us are having our needs met sexually. And I don’t know what she would say to an open marriage. If we don’t go that route I was wondering what a marriage without intimacy looks like. Like what are the rules? Can it still be full-filling?


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## 358848 (20 d ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Why are you done with intimacy and romance? Did I miss something? I don't think a person could sustain a healthy relationship without intimacy and romance.


It doesn’t seem to work for us. We tried it in the past and it just overly complicates things. There’s a compatibility issue. So it just seems easier to forget it all together.


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## 358848 (20 d ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Let me ask you this...your chidlren are going to look at the both of you as a role model for a marraige, for a mate to spend their life with is this what you want them to walk away. a marriage based on some arrangement? that is just sad.


That’s not the example I want to set for our children of course. But I’m just trying to explore all options before calling it quits. Plus if I stall atleast the kids will be older and may take it easier.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

HopelessinCT said:


> Neither of us are having our needs met sexually. And I don’t know what she would say to an open marriage. If we don’t go that route I was wondering what a marriage without intimacy looks like. Like what are the rules? Can it still be full-filling?


So what exactly have you tried?

As far as go without and rules. That’s specific to each marriage many continue on in friendship and companionship. Usually both are celebrate but still very much a couple. This can happen with menopause, low testosterone, ED, prostate cancer or other areas of sexual dysfunction. Sometimes if sex has caused too much issues in the marriage people just give it up. But in that last case usually at least one isn’t happy.

Let’s say for the sake of this conversation you stay but open the marriage because one or both want sex with others. So you stay for the kids. This is the example you want for your kids? A loveless marriage where you sleep with others until one of you catches the feels for your affair partner and split the marriage up anyway but now with cheating? Sure technically it’s not cheating if you both agree but it’s also not the best example you are settling for your children.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

HopelessinCT said:


> Neither of us are having our needs met sexually. And *I don’t know what she would say to an open marriage*. If we don’t go that route I was wondering what a marriage without intimacy looks like. Like* what are the rules?* Can it still be full-filling?





HopelessinCT said:


> *That’s not the example I want to set for our children of course*. But I’m just trying to explore all options before calling it quits. Plus if I stall atleast the kids will be older and may take it easier.


A few thoughts. I thought you said you were already separated, so your kids know something is not right. They will see through any kind of shame marriage or consensual non-monogamy.

One of the typical outcomes of sex is to emotionally bond two people together, which is why it is called making love. So any kind of open relationship and still maintaining the pretense of a marriage will be quite challenging. As to rules, whatever all the parties agree to are the rules and they can change at anytime.

Ask yourself a serious question. Let's say you really enjoy sex with a woman. Do you think that you and she would really be OK with your leaving around midnight after a date, going to her place and having sex. Wouldn't one of you prefer to stay there for the night, wake up in the morning snuggle and spoon all night? 

It can be done, but it will not be easy. You would be far better off to either work with a sex therapist and marriage counselor or else just divorce. 

Good luck.


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## lmucamac (5 mo ago)

Sex and intimacy are not the same. Yes, I know several marraiges that do not involve sex, but intimacy (holding hands, hugs, a kiss, conversation) exist. If you want to be roommates with your wif, and she agrees then go ahead. But before doing so, think of the impact and damage this willl have on your children. 

Do NOT say you’re staying together for the kids. They don’t need to be in the middle of this dysfunctional situation.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

HopelessinCT said:


> Wow you sound very hurt, closed minded, inexperienced in life and ignorant. Thanks for the advice simpleton. You clearly have nothing constructive to offer. Sad.


if your like this to you partner i can understand why your marriage is on the rocks , 


once you start leaving things out of your marriage it is like making a cake but you don't have all ingredients for the cake , it might look like a cake it might pass all the outward looks but it is not the same ,


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I have been there. Doesn't work. Intimacy is the glue in a marriage. Without it, you are just friends. It's not really a marriage. Discuss it with you wife. If you still want and desire a sex life, maybe you can have an open marriage and have your sexual needs met elsewhere. But it's risky. I think, if you go down the open marriage path, you will end up divorcing, eventually. Good luck!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I have been there. Doesn't work. Intimacy is the glue in a marriage. Without it, you are just friends. It's not really a marriage. Discuss it with you wife. If you still want and desire a sex life, maybe you can have an open marriage and have your sexual needs met elsewhere. But it's risky. I think, if you go down the open marriage path, you will end up divorcing, eventually. Good luck!


true on your point about Intimacy is the glue in a marriage.
open marriage can work for some but not in this case as open marriage is not a cure for broken relationship , 
swingers are the first to tell you that to open your marriage unless to relationship is strong it will end in divorce 
most swingers have a lot of sex before and the swinging just brings different sex to people that are able talk openly about these things their needs and other things around their sex life


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> true on your point about Intimacy is the glue in a marriage.
> open marriage can work for some but not in this case as open marriage is not a cure for broken relationship ,
> swingers are the first to tell you that to open your marriage unless to relationship is strong it will end in divorce
> most swingers have a lot of sex before and the swinging just brings different sex to people that are able talk openly about these things their needs and other things around their sex life


We don't know exactly why the marriage is broken. I get the impression that they probably have mismatched libidos and they've given up. Sometimes, a marriage without sex is much more peaceful and relaxed because the tension disappears.So, it can be done. But it also depends on their age. I'm ok at almost 60 not having sex any more, but I wouldn't have been ok with that at 40.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> We don't know exactly why the marriage is broken. I get the impression that they probably have mismatched libidos and they've given up. Sometimes, a marriage without sex is much more peaceful and relaxed because the tension disappears.So, it can be done. But it also depends on their age. I'm ok at almost 60 not having sex any more, but I wouldn't have been ok with that at 40.


I get the age thing as now at 58 I feel each time we have sex it is to test it is still working 
but I can not think it is a runner to think we will stop all together at our age now sex is less often but often better than when we were younger , 
it is hard to put our-self into the place of the op when we can't see what it must be like for in my case my wife if she wanted more sex as I now feel once a week is a lot but she is able for more , if I was suffering from some illness that affect me I would be happy for her to find pleasure outside and sex toys can only do so much and she has never taken to sex toys ,
it would be something I would do out of love for her knowing she enjoys sex still and I would not like her to have to stop feeling and enjoying sex because i was not able ,

but I don't know what it is like for other men you say you can now live happy not having sex i could not but happy with sex sometimes only once a month but still some times two nights in a row , but if i believe others on Tam my age say they have sex everyday 365 a year , and that is me been a man


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> but I don't know what it is like for other men you say you can now live happy not having sex i could not but happy with sex sometimes only once a month but still some times two nights in a row , but if i believe others on Tam my age say they have sex everyday 365 a year , and that is me been a man


I'm not happy about not having sex at all. I would be very happy to still have sex with my wife. But she's withdrawn from our sex life because she doesn't need sex, but now I'm left at 59 with the daunting prospective of getting out there and find another partner if I still want to enjoy sex. I would definitely not pay for it. I just don't think I can be bothered. I really wish we divorced when I was 43.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not happy about not having sex at all. I would be very happy to still have sex with my wife. But she's withdrawn from our sex life because she doesn't need sex, but now I'm left at 59 with the daunting prospective of getting out there and find another partner if I still want to enjoy sex. I would definitely not pay for it. I just don't think I can be bothered. I really wish we divorced when I was 43.


judging by the amount of men in their 60s that try to seduce other men's wife's while they have a wife at home I think if you opened your mind to looking for a relationship opened your self to love again you would find it , 
they say if you don't use it you lose it in regrade to sex 
but you might feel happy to settle in what you have got that risk it for what you don't have 
but in a few days we step into a new year 2023 which is just the same we have no idea what 2023 holds for all us 

has a wife or husband the right to force someone into sexless life ahead of time that is another question


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> has a wife or husband the right to force someone into sexless life ahead of time that is another question


They have all the rights in the world, but honesty is paramount in a marriage. If you know that's the ultimate goal for a spouse, then communicate so we can take an informed decision.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> They have all the rights in the world, but honesty is paramount in a marriage. If you know that's the ultimate goal for a spouse, then communicate so we can take an informed decision.


I am just thinking of the age gap , we here often get a question about people that if one is older is it ok , and while it might be nice for a guy at 45 to have a woman 10 years younger than him it is not a lot and my father and mother had a 9 year gap , but give the two of them 15 years which is only more than what we are today but the woman is just 50 so yes I would be happy for a younger man to help out in the bedroom as the op said open marriage we read a post here and we use our life and relationship to respond to it but there are so many different cases , 

my wife and I are the same age but I could be mistaken for a man 10 years older while she could pass off for 10 years younger and WE are happy together , 
I have given my wife the freedom to do as she likes , up to now she has not but haven her freedom is important to both us for me I don't want a woman to be with me because she said I do before 250 family and friends many many years ago , I want her to be with me because she wants to be and not because she has to be , and the same goes for her , 

up to now she has not stepped out but if she did I would have to know with who , when and where , and ideal if the man was a person like you that was in a sexless or mix matched sex drive 
person on a regular base other than picking up strangers on the internet on friendfinder or other site


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

OP...

You didn't give us much to work with, so its hard to give advice...What are the circumstances? How long has your relationship been sexless(or is it not?) etc...

You can live in a sexless marriage, a lot of people do...Then there are other scenarios...I know a lot of people sacrifice themselves for their kids...I don't believe a lot of what others say with regards to "an example to your kids"....Hate to break the news to a lot of those people, but kids aren't really all that concerned with their parents happiness.....Kids are selfish, by design, they have to be in order to survive...That type of understanding doesn't come until later on in life...What they desire is stability and security above all else...I am not saying divorce shouldn't be on the table as an option, but divorce is a sure fire way to create instability and chaos in a child's life...Would they prefer that you and your wife get along and are "happy", sure, but not ff it comes at the expense of their security and stability....In other words, I wouldn't worry so much about kids getting the wrong idea if you and your wife aren't getting laid, they won't care as long as they are happy and safe..

I have known guys over the years that either got by with masturbation, or they did other stuff....One guy in particular, whose wife flat out told him she was done with sex, didn't bother trying to convince her otherwise, actually went the route of staying in the marriage and had 2 long term runs with high level escorts that he met for sex several times a month...No one knew(outside of a few close friends) about it, so as far as anyone knew he was just living his life...He chose that route to keep things together for the kids, and then when they got old enough, he ended the marriage...For him, it worked just fine...But obviously its not for everyone...

Other guys figured other ways of working around the problem...Its easy for people on the outside to tell you to just man up and divorce, they have nothing invested and nothing to lose...So take that info and consider the source....

Its now up to you to figure out what's best for your own sanity and the welfare of your kids...Just bear in mind that even getting divorced doesn't guarantee that you will find fulfilling and enjoyable sex...I know several middle aged guys that couldn't even get a date after divorce, let alone get someone to agree to a sexual encounter...

Good luck and if you can, please provide more detail...


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