# My ignoring PROBLEM with DH...NEED advice!



## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

_(Deep breath)_

Ok, I have been with my DH for 5 years. (dating 4 married 1) (we don't live together yet we are married religiously )
I love him and you can never be too sure that a person can be the ONE** but that doesn't matter I want him to be the one.

We do not communicate great at all. I'm the yeller and the one with the temper. If we get into a fight I will NEVER call or shoot him a text saying sorry or something cute.. my pride wont let me. He is the calmer one who calls but always at the wrong time and it just frustrates me..


I HATE that I'm like this but I can't help it. I expect him to come to me. And when he doesn't put in effort to call or text and see how I'm doing because he knows I'm ignoring him it makes me hate him and want to ignore him for a longggggggg time. 

It seems like I am always angry at him for something ..and i can tell hes getting tired of it but I am constantly fighting with myself. Part of me wants to give in and call but I always think hes going to shut me down or not pick up the phone or something.*[[I CAN NOT STAND REJECTION..]]* so i just wait and get even more heated in the process that i even want to talk to another guy but i don't have the heart to. I don't want to feel like this but I feel that he is pushing me to it because I tell him my needs and how I am but he just doesn't get it. SO i just shut off..

But at the end I love him ,I'm obsessed with him and always think about him so anything wrong he does or irritates me sets me off..It's so weird


I want to change this behavior but I don't no how too, i've been like this for soo long.. 

I just need some advice because I think I have a problem.


----------



## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

sounds like there is a deeper issue going on here. Are you like this with just him or all people??
You mentioned religion, practicing forgiveness, sometimes even when you are right, is essential to a long marriage. 

You mentioned you are married but don't live together, has it been consumated? Is this an arranged marriage?


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

*Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two common meanings. With a negative connotation, pride refers to an inflated sense of one's personal status or accomplishments, often used synonymously with hubris. With a positive connotation, pride refers to a satisfied sense of attachment toward one's own or another's choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people, and is a product of praise, independent self-reflection, or a fulfilled feeling of belonging.*

It is not pride that stops you from making the call, but fear that he will see you as weak. I dont say this to be rude, but perhaps if you thought about it from a different angle, you may be able to make better progress with this issue.

But really, if you are always angry at him, and not willing to apologize, how long do you think he will take it before handing you divorce papers?

Be vulnerable with him. If you truly love him, then why can you not show that by admitting you have an anger issue?


----------



## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> *Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two common meanings. With a negative connotation, pride refers to an inflated sense of one's personal status or accomplishments, often used synonymously with hubris. With a positive connotation, pride refers to a satisfied sense of attachment toward one's own or another's choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people, and is a product of praise, independent self-reflection, or a fulfilled feeling of belonging.*
> 
> It is not pride that stops you from making the call, but fear that he will see you as weak. I dont say this to be rude, but perhaps if you thought about it from a different angle, you may be able to make better progress with this issue.
> 
> ...





*YOU ARE COMPLETELY RIGHT I DO FEAR HE WILL SEE ME AS WEAK.

When I get into little arguments with my friends I expect them to call but I don't over do it like i do with my DH.

I just can not be rejected by him , it will really cause me depression.

I wish I can be vulnerable with him..but that'.s a big risk for me



& no this was not a arranged marriage we fell in love. Yes we have had sex.



*


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TheOne1 said:


> It seems like I am always angry at him for something.... I want to change this behavior but I don't know how too, i've been like this for soo long.


Most likely, you've been like this since about age four but the anger didn't start coming to the surface until your mid-teens, at which time you started trying to establish LTRs outside your family. I say this because the behaviors you describe -- fear of abandonment and rejection, inability to do self soothing to calm yourself, inappropriate anger, and temper tantrums -- typically originate in early childhood. These are behaviors that we all have occasionally throughout adulthood, albeit at low levels if we are emotionally healthy. 

Such traits become a problem only when they are sufficiently strong to undermine one's marriage or other LTRs. The likely reason that you have little or no problems of this kind with strangers and your casual friends is that they pose no threat of abandonment or rejection to you (because there is no close LTR that could be abandoned). This likely is why they do not trigger your anger.

Because these traits usually originate in childhood, and because they are such a normal part of the way you've been thinking your whole life, it is extremely difficult to manage them without obtaining professional guidance. You can make some progress by reading on your own -- but you won't get very far. I therefore suggest that you see a clinical psychologist to find out what it is you're dealing with and how you can manage these issues. 

Because psychologists vary greatly in ability and skill sets, I suggest you do some research before selecting one. You might obtain a recommendation from a trusted MD or by calling the psych departments at local hospitals or universities. Or you may even find good information about them online. Take care, TheOne.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh hi. You sound like my ex-husband. He never apologized for anything, his pride ruled every single fiber of his being, and he would ignore ignore and ignore me some more until he was satisfied with it being enough. Until he felt he had "won." 

When this ignoring business is used habitually, it is emotionally abusive. 

This passive-aggressive bullsh!t is the #1 reason why I left him. He even cheated on me and NOTHING hurt my feelings more than him straight up ignoring me and never admitting to being wrong ever. 

Continue to this do and you will make him run clear away from you.

Promise.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe growing up might help? Just a suggestion, you can't always get your way.

Sometimes you gotta give in during a relationship, you might lose the battle but you're looking to win the war dammit!!!!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CH, this goes way beyond "growing up." 

People who do this have a majorly deep-seeded issue. It's a psychological thing most of the time. 

I firmly believe it stems from their own insecurity and so they project how they feel inside outwardly to those around them. In this case, the husband is the one being projected upon.

It's interesting how the OP says she fears being rejected by him. The irony is that by her blanking him and stonewalling him and refusing to speak to him, she IS doing the rejecting. 

OP--get therapy. Because this behavior will destroy every single relationship you have if you don't nip it in the bud.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> CH, this goes way beyond "growing up."
> 
> People who do this have a majorly deep-seeded issue. It's a psychological thing most of the time.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I have done that sort of thing so many times. I was diagnosed with BPD 6 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

TheOne1 said:


> *
> I wish I can be vulnerable with him..but that'.s a big risk for me
> *


The things in life we find most challenging, offer the best rewards.

Jelly is very true, and if this relationship goes down hill, you can expect every single relationship to faulter the same way.

Try this on for size: First, stop thinking, and just read: Call him right now and apologize, then read the rest of my post. *JUST DO IT.*


































...sucker


----------



## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

you guys are right... as hard as it is to hear your right.

I need to stop now.

I'm a good person and I have a very pure heart and no one will see it If i keep this up..




I'm open to anymore more advice..always..


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Please take a moment to click on the video link in the 1st line in this thread - 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

....it is all about the importance of vulnerability in a healthy love relationship. 

I agree with everyone else here, you are doing the rejecting -very badly and this is hurting your partner terribly....no man can be happy in a relationship like this. Why he keeps holding on, maybe he sees potential in you - lets hope..... 

He has already shown a tremendous amount of love -for putting up with this behavior...rest in that, but do not abuse it ..... If you love this man, you will get help, you will open yourself and allow him to see your weaknesses. Believe me- he will love you more so -for this -in comparison to what you are doing now -this will push him away and make him feel like a weak man who can never please his woman, a loose / loose situation, a merry go round of destruction. 

Take 20 minutes , listen to that video...


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You sound like my wife. Never said please thank you or sorry in her life. But expects it always to be said to her. I have to ask her daily if I have missed anything otherwise she is just impossible. 
It seems to me you dont feel secure with him. 
* because I tell him my needs and how I am but he just doesn't get it*
Why doesnt he get it. What kind of needs do you have that are so difficult to 'get'.
You want to pretend youre ignoring him and see if it hurts him so much that he contacts you.
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING GAMES WITH HIM.


----------



## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

accept said:


> You sound like my wife. Never said please thank you or sorry in her life. But expects it always to be said to her. I have to ask her daily if I have missed anything otherwise she is just impossible.
> It seems to me you dont feel secure with him.
> * because I tell him my needs and how I am but he just doesn't get it*
> Why doesnt he get it. What kind of needs do you have that are so difficult to 'get'.
> ...




*It worked out a lot for me in the beginning..I would ignore him and he would go crazy and call me nonstop and i Loved it..it made me feel like he cared in a wired way. We met when I was just 16 and he had just turned 18.we were both each-others first REAL relationship....so you can say it was a bit of a game for me..the chase and all... 

but were grown now and hes matured ..i guess i'm the immature one :/ 


I know there's something wrong with me and the way i act..I just wanna know why I act this way...?? ( I really do want to change)

He treats me good and I should be grateful... I just think wayy too much into things and think there's a deeper meaning with every move he makes


If he doesn't call in the right time or a good amount of times I get mad and think he doesn't care about me and has better things to do...

i know i should call and text too but i wont do it unless i feel he has done X amount of times and i feel secure..

*** & yes I tell him what I NEED and what gets me frustrated..he knows..but he thinks i over exaggerate??? 
*


----------



## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Please take a moment to click on the video link in the 1st line in this thread -
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
> 
> ...



Thank you for your reply and the link..much appreciated.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are killing your marriage.

You know the problem (and it is a problem...a control issue) and you need to get help for it.

Egos have no place in love. that's not to say you should lay down and be a doormat, but...anger, pride and stubborness are not love.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TheOne1 said:


> It worked out a lot for me in the beginning..I would ignore him and he would go crazy and call me nonstop and i Loved it..it made me feel like he cared in a wired way.


Crazy. And sick.




that_girl said:


> You are killing your marriage.


:iagree:


----------

