# I think my fiance hates my son



## unhappy4

I have four sons, ranging from 12 to 7. We left from their father about 5 years ago due to abuse and drug usage. Since this time I have been a single parent and have tried very hard to make my life work as well as provide my boys with a stable situation.
About 2.5 years ago I met Tony, who is now my fiance. We are to be married next June. 
In the very beginning, we moved things quite fast and he ended up moving in with us. At first it was great. I was working full time and he was watching my boys. I know it sounds bad, but it really wasn't. My mother lives with me as well, so there was always somebody here. After about 6 months, I ended up having to switch job positions and my shift changed dramatically. Tony, by this time, had begun to lose patience with the boys, and since he had no prior experience in raising children, I'm sure it could not be helped.
Over the course of our relationship, Tony and I have fought quite a bit in regards to all of the boys. They made no secret that they wanted a dad, but it was on their terms. They have continually been disrespectful towards him and after so much of that, he has come to a spot where he only deals with them when it is convienent for him. 
At the present moment, my 3 younger sons have adapted okay to the changes in the house, but my oldest seems unmoving. He is a different sort of boy, likes to stay inside, play video games, not into sports, enjoys reading, and has the tendency of feeling like the world is against him. He is very intelligent and because of this, feels like he can partake in any conversation with adults. This is frustrating to Tony. 
Tony is trying to develop manners...sitting right at the table, homework first thing, chewing with your mouth shut, don't interrupt. But I fear that his past techniques of dealing with these situations has caused damage that will take a long time to fix. 
Seeing as though my mother lives with me, it is a very hard situation to be in day in and day out. I have always loved my boys and have found someone that I love too. The fact that Tony has gotten to the point where he would rather stay in the bedroom than be faced with the disrespect is extremely hard on me. My son is not happy in his home life and his grades have begun to slip dramatically. 
I have tried so many different ways to make them see eye to eye and to explain them to each other...all it is doing is making me very unhappy. My oldest son believes that I am choosing Tony over him and Tony believes that I feel like I am betraying my children if I side with him.
I love Tony very much and all that I desire is to have a normal, happy family...the kind that you see when you go to the zoo. Fathers with their children laughing and great memories. We have that very rarely. There is no joy in my home and I am hurting so much that my oldest son thinks that I do not have any time for him...that I am more worried about my fiance than any of the boys. That's just not true.
I am just so tired of the venting from both of them and the lack of understanding and compromising. Tony says that he does not hate my son, but he ignores him and is very critical of everything that he does. My son goes to my mother to talk about things and that is hurtful, because he says he does not think that I will listen or do anything about it. 
I guess the fact is that I love Tony and finally found someone who is very good to me and with 3 out of 4 of the kids, he is good...but there is something that just does not sit right with the two of them. I know that I should always pick my children over my partner, but when all this stuff is not going on, I have a very good, healthy, loving relationship with Tony. I feel that I should be able to have someone in my life to make me happy...but how do I change what is going on in my house. I am extremely lost and very unhappy.


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## greeneyeddolphin

It sounds to me like you let him take over as a parent and your son resents that. Now, I'm not saying what you did was wrong, necessarily, but...you have to be careful with situations like this. 

My boyfriend acts as a father to my kids...but their bio father is out of the picture by his own choice and for so long that my kids don't really remember him, and my kids are ok with him acting as their father. If they weren't, then my boyfriend and I would have had a discussion of what role exactly he would be playing in their lives. 

I don't think it's so much about disrespect here. Well, at this point, perhaps your son is disrespecting him, but I think that's more an end result rather than the issue itself. I think the main issue is that your son doesn't see Tony as a father figure, and yet feels he's being forced to do so anyway. 

To fix this, It hink the first thing that you need to do is talk to your son. Find out exactly how he feels about Tony. If he says he dislikes him, ask why. Keep in mind that kids are often very good judges of character; if he tells you something, even if you disagree or don't want to hear it, give it some thought. 

You also need to talk to Tony. He needs to understand that kids are very different from adults, and he also needs to understand that they are YOUR kids, not HIS, and therefore, he only has the rights and responsibilities you CHOOSE to allow him to have. 

YOU need to be the parent here, and ensure that your kids are treated fairly and appropriately. I feel that the relationship between my (your) kids and my (your) new partner is one that they have to work out for themselves; you can't determine that they will be father/son or buddy/buddy, they have to do that. But...at the same time, if they can't seem to work it out, then you do need to step in and help them figure it out. Your child should not be made to feel as an outsider in his own home, among his own family, and honestly, to me, that's what you describe. 

If there's nothing that can be done to change this, then you need to ask yourself this: What's more important, you being happy with Tony and never seeing your son again after he turns 18, or making sure your son feels happy and loved and having a great relationship with him? For me, hands down, it would be my son.


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## turnera

Why would you want to marry someone who does not want your TOTAL life? There is no way I would choose such a man over my child.

You say: Over the course of our relationship, Tony and I have fought quite a bit in regards to all of the boys.
But you say: I know that I should always pick my children over my partner, but when all this stuff is not going on, I have a very good, healthy, loving relationship with Tony. 

And then you say: I feel that I should be able to have someone in my life to make me happy.

So basically, you want us to tell you it's all right to sacrifice your sons' healthy mental upbringing so you can no longer be alone. 

Sorry, not from me.

Especially when you say this: Tony, by this time, had begun to lose patience with the boys, and since he had no prior experience in raising children, _I'm sure it could not be helped_.

That is the language that an abuse victim uses when she tries to defend the abuser's actions. Are you sure there's not more to your story?


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## unhappy4

By no means am I saying that it is ok to have Tony in my life and sacrifice my sons mental health. Not at all.

There is no more to this story. I have been in an abusive relationship before and I know the signs.

The deal with this situation is that Tony has tried to be a dad to my sons...he has played with them, taught them sports, introduced them to different genres of music, helped with homework, went to father son events, and taken them out alone for the day.

The reason for me saying "It couldn't be helped" was meaning the way that he started out in this position. He had never raised kids before so had no experience in how kids behave. I understand why is patience is low, how could it not be. Here he has been trying to be a dad but my oldest will not budge. My oldest constantly talks back, disrespects, and only wants Tony to be dad when it suits him...which is not often.

I want my family to be a happy one. Tony and my sons relationship can be great one minute...laughing and joking...and then the next my son hates him. So, Tony gives up. 

I have no problem being alone. I have done it. But I have found someone that loves me and wants to be a dad, but we have no guidance on how to blend a family. Tony is lost and so am I. 

In response to atruckersgirl, I appreciated your post. I think that I do need to talk to my son...the problem that I face is that he won't open up to me. I bought him a journal and I hope that he starts to write in it. 

I have also talked to Tony and we have agreed to start premarriage counseling at our church, starting this wednesday. We are hoping that we can have biblical guidance on how to work with this situation. I know that our situation is not hopeless, but we need someone else who has experience to tell us how to change the way that our lives are. 

I wish I knew how to get my son to see Tony as a father figure. All of my boys want a dad, and Tony is willing to do it...but there has to be a middle ground met. If any of the kids ask Tony for a Pepsi at 10pm, and he tells them no...they automatically turn against him. They hate him, think he is mean, tell him he isn't their father. It's very frustrating to me. I feel that I am always talking to them about how they all treat each other and it is not going anywhere.


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## friendly

Quote: Tony is trying to develop manners...sitting right at the table, homework first thing, chewing with your mouth shut, don't interrupt. But I fear that his past techniques of dealing with these situations has caused damage that will take a long time to fix. 
__________________________________________________
Allow me to put straight forward!

You suck! Your boyfriend is helping you teaching your children you should be appreciated! Instead, you are unhappy!

Loving children doesn't mean no discipline and no needs to teach them manners. Especially boys. If I were you, I will slap my son for being rude. Tony instead, he was doing a good job as a father.

You're unbelievable spoiling your kids! You are supposed to take care of your own kids, not pushing away your responsibilities and ask him to be a perfect Dad. 

If you want he to help you, you should feel grateful and trust him.

He's been offering you countless help and you take things for granted. 

He deserves a better treatment than this.

I hope Tony leaves you for a single woman.


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## greeneyeddolphin

I have to be honest here. I don't agree with friendly's tone, or phrasing, but the point is valid. It sounds as though perhaps your kids weren't all that disciplined before Tony came along, and now he's trying to do that, and they resent that. They've gotten spoiled and used to getting their way, and he's not letting that continue, and since he won't give them their way, they don't like him. 

As for saying it couldn't be helped, low patience, because he's never had kids before...I'm sorry, but that's bull. I didn't have kids until I had them, I don't run out of patience. Neither do you. My boyfriend never had kids before he met me, and he has no patience for pretty much anything, and he doesn't run out of patience with my kids; and my kids have ADHD.

If he's run out of patience with them, there's a reason, and that reason is not "he's never dealt with kids before". It's either he has no patience with kids, doesn't like kids, or something to do specifically with your kids. 

You say you've been in an abusive relationship before and you know the signs. Knowing the signs and not being blind to them are two different things. Love, or what you think is love, can make you blind to a lot of things. And abuse does not always take the same form. There's a checklist of obvious signs of abuse, but there's also a wealth of more subtle signs that under certain circumstances might not even be abuse, but in context with the situation or other things taking place, are abuse. 

I'm not trying to say that you've necessarily done anything wrong, or done it on purpose. And I'm not trying to say that there's a problem in your relationship with Tony. What I am trying to say is that I think you need to take a huge step back from your relationship with him and try really hard to take a good, hard, objective look at it, and at that same time, take a hard, objective look at his relationship with your kids.


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## friendly

I don't like my tone, either! If a man has been working hard to help you. Hello! It's taking care of your kids when he has no experiences! That's really something! He needs your positive support and trust. I'm sure he has some ideas to teach kids good manners but you just stopped him! You don't trust him only because he has no experiences but he's learning to be their father.
He's a great person. If you lose him, it's at your own loss. 
Stop spoiling the kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButterflyKisses

I strongly disagree with friendly's post also. 

The fact that *any man* is 'working hard to help you' with your kids doesn't mean crap if he's doing it in a manner that is going to hurt the children in the long run. That's not help. If someone is going to 'help' me by creating problems, then no thanks.

In no way am I saying that children shouldn't have rules or learn manners, but as a new stepparent, (or in this case, fiance) he shouldn’t step in as the enforcer at first, but work with you to set limits. Some kids may be more open and willing to engage. Shy, introverted children may require you to slow down and give them more time to warm up to a new parent. Given enough time, patience and understanding, most children will eventually give them a chance. They cannot be forced.

Like I've always told my kids, they don't have to love or even like their step-dad, but they will respect him. At the same time, my H needs to be understanding and not expect to be welcomed and accepted with open arms and not take things personally. *You* should remain primarily responsible for discipline until your fiance has developed solid bonds with the boys.

It's possible to have the family life that you talk about but it has to be done in the right way, with time, patience and understanding. Patience is critical. You said yourself, you feel your fiances techniques in these situations have caused damage that will take a long time to fix. Having no experience can't be changed, not having the knowledge and skills, can.

If your fiance lacks the patience, then he seriously needs to re-think what he's getting himself into. Do you want to spend the next several years in conflict and always feeling you're in the middle and being torn apart? Or your son(s) being full of resentment and hate? I strongly suggest counseling to help with this transition.


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## unbelievable

Teaching kids manners is ok, but if the manner in which it's being taught is abusive, it's not ok. This, "you and the kids against me" or "me and you against the kids" is not going to work for anyone. The only way this works in the long term is for everyone to get on the same page. If Tony expects to be with mom for the long haul, he's got to learn to love and accept all the kids as they are. That will require effort and work on his part, but presumably, she's worth it. Tony needs to figure out how to develop his own relationship with the 12 year old. If he's trying to "father" a 12 year old the same way he does a 7 year old, no wonder the kid doesn't dig him! 
Kids have different needs at different ages. If you're a halfway decent male, it's not hard to win over 7 year olds. Throw a ball, go to Chucky Cheese, you're in. A pre-teen is much more complicated. The 12 year old had a longer experience with natural dad and might feel the effects of the divorce more keenly than the younger kids. The older kid is highly intelligent, likes video games, etc. Maybe Tony and the 12 year old could build model rockets and launch them or go to science fairs and museums. Tear down the lawnmower engine and rebuild it. If this kid isn't into sports, that's cool, they can still find a way to bond.


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## turnera

What I see is a need for real communication. How about a weekly conversation where everyone is free to speak their mind? Allow your sons to say what they think of him, but allow him to tell them how they make him feel.


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## friendly

Quote: Like I've always told my kids, they don't have to love or even like their step-dad, but they will respect him.

Quote: I have four sons, ranging from 12 to 7


I'm wondering if she told the kids to respect him. 

Now this guy tried to teach children "basic manners," Hello?! 

From here how her kids, not little babies, ranging from 12 to 7 years old are still without manners. 

From what they behave at the dining table, it's very obvious that her kids are spoilt.

So if you wish your Fiance to be a good figure as a step father. You will need to teach your kids basic respect first. 

It's pretty much a shame that I need anyone to teach my kid basic manners.

Obviously she's not doing well her job as a mother herself but expecting too much from a man who simply loves her and willing to help.


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## friendly

Quote: Some kids may be more open and willing to engage. Shy, introverted children may require you to slow down and give them more time to warm up to a new parent. Given enough time, patience and understanding, most children will eventually give them a chance. They cannot be forced.

Like I've always told my kids, they don't have to love or even like their step-dad, but they will respect him. At the same time, my H needs to be understanding and not expect to be welcomed and accepted with open arms and not take things personally. You should remain primarily responsible for discipline until your fiance has developed solid bonds with the boys.


This suggestion is very good! Pay attention to the last sentence!


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## unhappy4

Just a note to friendly...

I don't appreciate your attitude toward me. I put a post on here t have opinions on a situation, not to be negatively criticized. 

My children are not spoiled like you think. I do expect certain behavior but I am a more passive parent. My children do have manners but the manners that I was referrring to are those that are expected out of rich children...perfect posture, eating with the right fork...just bogus behavior. My children are very well behaved when it is necessary...but I have always believed that if a child can not be themselves in their own home, then they will never be able to figure out who they are.

My children do not lack discipline either. I have always been the one to give it to them but was asking opinions on how to handle another person coming in to do support in the parenting. 

I don't know how you dealt with the introduction of your children to your new husband, but not all situations are the same. I don't know if you have ever gone to counseling or had pre marriage counseling...if you haven't then you better go to gain a new perspective on blended families. Your world must be very different from others who have posted on my original post. The others were very understanding and offered their opinions in a manner as not to offend. They read my post and acted accordingly in a manner that did not cause more damage than good. Maybe you should rethink your thoughts before replying to threads if they aren't appropriately stated.

I have just spent the night in my first round of pre marriage counseling and it was explained to me that it is very NORMAL for children to react this way. My attention is now split up rather than all on them and they are reacting. There is nothing wrong with the way that I am handling things and what I was explained tonight was that a bond needs to be formed between Tony and the boys before discipline and that over time things will get better when they realize that he is here to stay.

I may not feel as secure and happy as I would like, but trust me...your comments worsen the situation rather than give me hope. Your ignorant comment that Tony should leave me for a single woman was horrible. I just want you to know that your ignorance is evident and you must have the picture perfect marriage and I hope that you are very happy. 

As for everyone who posted to my post, thank you for your kind words. I was able to see things from a different perspective, and I went into counseling with an open mind rather than my own feelings. I appreciate your understanding and uplifting comments.


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## turnera

I'm so glad to hear it. Is your boyfriend going, too?


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## unhappy4

Yeah my boyfriend is going too. We have talked about this for a while and started attending church. We are in the process of becoming members and the pastor offered to give us premarriage counseling up until the wedding next June. 

The pastor said some very uplifting things to us. He said that the kids are acting very normal for the situation. He also told me that I am trying to be the peace maker and working so hard to fight a fight that is not mine, that I need to take the burden off of myself and let Tony and the kids work this out. He said that they see my struggle and my arguments and they play on that. Anything they can do to cause strife, they will do it..it gives them attention. 

He also told Tony that his lack of experience with raising children is not working in his favor. Tony needs to understand about puberty, adoloscence, past hurts, feelings..... The pastor is giving Tony a book that will help him understand what his role is with the kids and how to create a bond with them in which they don't view him as the enemy. He also said that my oldest son has always been the alpha male in my life...but also the most broken of the boys, so by Tony coming in and trying to be the man of the house that my oldest feels as if he is losing his position in the house. 

The counseling opened both of our eyes to how wrong we have been dealing with things. And alot of what the pastor said to Tony were things I had said, and alot of what the pastor said to me were things that Tony had said...but the way he said it was different and not in a way that would get our defenses up. So, we were able to see another side to this. 

Throughout this whole situation, I always thought that I was the only one feeling lost and unhappy, and I found out last night that Tony was feeling the same way. Tony has always showed the persona that he was just angry or impatient or uncaring. I took that as he didnt care, but in reality he was just as a lost and he reacted in the only way that he knew how. Right now, Tony and I are at a common ground. We went in there with an open mind and came out with hope. 

I am really looking forward to the next couple of months. We are going to work with the pastor together and by his recommendation, we are going to incorporate the kids as well. He believes that by talking to the kids and seeing their viewpoint that we can find out what the root of the issue is. They will also feel as if they are part of the family...that it is not just Tony and I in the relationship, but them as well...it will make them feel important. He also said that they need to understand that they have a bigger part in this than they realize. Their happiness matters just as much as Tony and mine.


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## turnera

Awesome!


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