# My sick need to know everything



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??

I feel like it is seriously ruining me, how will I ever feel confident in myself again after hearing him pick me apart, but I asked him! And I can't stop asking him crap like this! It is torture!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??
> 
> I feel like it is seriously ruining me, how will I ever feel confident in myself again after hearing him pick me apart, but I asked him! And I can't stop asking him crap like this! It is torture!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUO
> ...


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You ask because you want to feel loved. The one person who is supposed to love everything about you and overlook your flaws betrayed you. Instead of helping to build you back up, he keeps tearing you down.

If your profile pic is actually you, he is a dope.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> distraughtfromtexas said:
> 
> 
> > What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??
> ...


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Acoa said:


> You ask because you want to feel loved. The one person who is supposed to love everything about you and overlook your flaws betrayed you. Instead of helping to build you back up, he keeps tearing you down.
> 
> If your profile pic is actually you, he is a dope.


Thank you. I pretty much told him he's an idiot last night. She's all fake. Dyed hair, fake boobs, fake nose. All my body parts are mine, I can't ever compete with fake, but I feel like if he loved me for real, he would feel like you just said above. Overlook my flaws because he is in love with me and I've given him so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

DFT,

I believe that you are asking questions not to really know the answer but because you are crying out in pain. Betrayal hurts on so many levels and worst emotionally.

When you are wrapped around someone and they hurt you, all those intertwined threads become so lose you lose your way a bit. It is awesome that you donated your hair to kids for cancer.

Your worth as a person should not be defined by someone else, especially a cheater. Cheaters act selfishly and don't care about your feelings especially when they are in the throws of the actual deeds.

I am sorry you are here. I am sorry you are going through this torture. I know how it feels but there are better days ahead. Believe in yourself. Don't let someone else's stupid actions define who you are. Some guys are total morons. They believe the grass is greener on the other side and they will ruin their own grass just to jump the fence into a patch of weeds. It will get better. Keep on working on yourself and stay strong. God Bless!


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I am the same way. I cannot seem to stop checking, asking, looking and it is making me tired. I just want that part over with. With every call between them, I pull back a bit more, but still I have to check to see if they have talked or emailed, driving me nuts.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not about looks. You love someone because they were meant for you. I never looked at other women when I was married but that was not enough for my WS. You are right in wanting to be the most beautiful person to your spouse. It is how they treat you. Yes you should take care of yourself, but you shouldn't have to be a super model. You are fine the way you are.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

I think one of the reasons we ask so many questions is because we are trying to gain some sense of control ... we feel that if only we knew every detail of what was going on in their heads and what actually happened, we could control it and stop it from ever happening again. 

As time passes hopefully we come to accept that we can never know what another person is thinking, nor will we ever know exactly what happened. Coming to a place of acceptance takes a very long time. 

What also happens over time is that not only do we start to obsess over them less, but begin to turn the focus back to ourselves and in a more healthy way. We begin to care less about whether we measure up, and begin to like ourselves again. I had a very hard time forgiving myself for being so "stupid" for not seeing what was going on. Now my blame is placed squarely where it belongs. 

Your reactions are normal. 

Strength and hugs to you


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

obsession--- it's normal in this part of the healing. I know it feels bad to be so consumed with it but it actually starts to fade about 8-12 months into recovery. 

The obsession represents a void. Your are trying to make sense of it all and you will never be able to. I heard it described as "trying to do a 1000 piece jigsaw with the the lights out and 15 extra pieces thrown in". <-----that's what infidelity does to your brain/heart. 


As women we buy into the _fairytale_ of that perfect marriage, where you are the center that your husband circles around. We've all seen those good morning America contest of the "Most Romantic Husband" ---- and most of us don't have that spouse. It's a unattainable situation. No it's not wrong to want to be the most desirable beautiful soul mate to your man....but it's not reality. The world is full of gorgeous people, what you want is a spouse that wouldn't trade you for that super model. 


I think most affairs revolve around how it made that person feel more than the looks of the AP. How did your spouse feel about himself in the affair? Was he feeling more desired, attractive, sexy, daring and lustful? See, the AP could be interchangeable because it's not about their looks......it's the emotions that are awakened within. 

One of the best things I have ever seen to explain the "how did this happen" is the TED talk by Esther Perel----it describes the dynamics of desire in long term relationships...go watch it and tell me what you think. 

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Video on TED.com


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Here is another nugget for you to digest...


I was the BS and my WH had a online EA...... after DDay I was jealous......for these reasons and see if you can relate. 


I wanted to be swept up in passion again. 

I craved desire and a erotic sex life. 

I wanted secrets and dreams. 

I wanted to feel hunger and lust. 

I wanted to feel desired and have my fantasies explored. 

I wanted to feel infatuated again. 

I wanted deep soul gazing eye contact. 

I wanted to be interesting again. 

I wanted interactions that fuel me and made me feel alive. 

I wanted all that with my spouse and I thought him incapable of that, and I dimmed my inner sexual being to match his libido and I suffered but made peace with that part of our marriage...until I found out he was doing all that and more but directing it towards someone else. 

I felt robbed. I naturally was curious as to "how" she was able to get that response from him. How did the affair re-awaken that dormant part of his personality and could we re-direct it within our marriage?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

There is something wrong with him not you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honest answer: no. My wife is the ONLY beautiful woman in the world. I tell her this all the time. Even the ONLY woman in the world; all other female humans are just biological creatures with whom we share the planet. Not only does she like hearing this (and I feel it), it helps to put another brick in that affair-proofing of our relationship.


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

I believe that a lot of wanting to know all of the details is an attempt to understand something that is not understandable. You are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

Just know that his affair had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his weakness. However, if you choose to recovery with him, then maybe understanding the details will give you a hint as to what needs she was meeting that he needed so much. We are all responsible for the problems in our marriages, but the WS bears 100% of the responsibility for their affair.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??
> 
> I feel like it is seriously ruining me, how will I ever feel confident in myself again after hearing him pick me apart, but I asked him! And I can't stop asking him crap like this! It is torture!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


STOP RIGHT NOW. Stop thinking about the OW stop comparing yourself to the OW. IF you H dittles someone that is more attractive it doesn't matter. You are worth more than one man's arbitrary observation. You have got to implement the 180 in your life. You need to find strength in yourself. B/c you H is only going to hurt you at this point. You need to focus on yourself and not on him.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stupid? No, not stupid. Especially if you work hard at maintaining your looks (Healthy diet, exercise, personal hygiene). Being complimented feels good. Being put on a pedistool by at least one person, would feel pretty awesome. 

Two things to keep in mind:
1.) Your self worth shouldn't be based on what anyone else says about you. Just because someone else doesn't find you beautiful, doesn't mean you should feel any less beautiful. You need to be good with you. 
2.) Your H isn't going to be able to feel that way about you on demand. He is dealing with affair fog, self loathing, denial and guilt. He could do a better job of navigating these types of conversations. But you also want his honest feelings. When he does say it, don't you want to feel that he means it?

For example, I'm currently pissed at my wife. She is still very attractive, and I still love her. I tell her that. I couldn't currently tell her "she is the best thing that ever happened to me" (That used to be in my repertoire). I would have a hard time with saying she is the most beautiful person in the world right now. Part of that for me is that beauty is more than skin deep. And she has exposed a side of herself that I don't find attractive at all. 

Maybe I'm the stupid one. But I feel like honesty should be in words and actions. Many people feel it's okay to have little 'white lies'. Like when someone gets a really bad haircut and everyone says they like it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating we all be cruel to each other. I find nothing wrong with saying, "I like your old hairstyle better." You can be honest without being cruel.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The XOM told my wife that she "takes his breath away", yet he has a very beautiful and very sexy wife. My wife very apologetically told me that the XOM was "huge". Explains the very load moans on the recording.

So we are left with feelings of inadequacy. It is certainly common to compare the OM/OW but in the end it really does not matter. And that is the hard part, convincing ourselves that it does not matter.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being a married man with 2 kids. I have to say that I feel terrible for how you are feeling. Question I ask myself through reading what he has said is, does he love you? I can't imagine a person loving someone and treating them this way unless they are the abusive type, verbally or otherwise. It sounds like he likes to hurt you. His actions, his words are all hurtful, and unless you are a bad person, which I don't see from your comments, then he is. You should not be in competition with anyone. For him to make you feel that way is just awful. You are beautiful, and valuable, don't let his actions and words make you feel otherwise. Good luck!


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Beauty comes from within, so yes, you should be the most beautiful woman in the world to him because you have the deepest connection to him. I wouldn't say that you should be the prettiest. That's a superficial title. There are lots of pretty people but I really couldn't care less about them.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

If it were just about physical appearances, then why do these gorgeous celebrities get cheated on? Tiger Woods' ex-wife is GORGEOUS, and some of the women he cheated on her with weren't anything to write home about. Shania Twain? Also a gorgeous woman cheated on, and the OW is REALLY nothing to write home about. 
I'm a BS too, and it's hard because every woman has their insecurities, and an affair just magnifies them. While my stbxh's OW are attractive, and I think even more attractive than me, when I look at their pics again, I see faults too. Bad teeth, love handles, etc. Not to mention that these are the type of women that would mess with a married man so... that right there is a type of ugly NOTHING can fix (oh, an OW2 is a twice divorced, mom of three and only 28. How you have two failed marriages by age 28... I don't know). 

In my quest to move on, I've started a light exercise regimen. I have never weighed more than 115 (other than when pregnant, and I think I peaked at 145). I don't need to lose weight, but I'm going to tone up, just because I want to. I've always had bad skin (this was a HUGE hit to my self-esteem when the affairs came to light), but all the treatments I tried never worked, and I never did Accutane because of the high risks if you get pregnant while on it. Well! Now that there is ZERO chance of me getting pregnant, I'm going to do it. 

Start doing things for you. Seriously. Don't to it for him. Measure up to your own standards, because you will never know what other people's standards really are, and how quickly they can change. 

Remember, the affair is 100% the cheaters fault. Stop bearing the burden.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It destroys your self esteem to ask. Don't. The point about all other women and other men is they are new and different. Details can kill your soul.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I'm sorry to see things aren't getting better, but maybe it's fate that it shouldn't. Do you really want to stay with him always walking on eggs knowing he has a wandering eye?
His picking you apart is just justifying the affair in his mind. It's time to do things for you alright, it's time to get out.
In 10 years all that plastic on the OW is going to be drooping from wrinkled skin...gross.
From a mans point of view...at least mine...looks need to meet certain criteria for attractiveness of course. You've seen the discussions in the men's clubhouse where the first thing that goes thru a guys mind when he see's a woman is "hit it? yes or no", and in most cases it's very true. It's basic human nature, would I mate with this female?
Beyond that however, there is so much more that completes "beautiful" based on personality and values.
Don't let your STBXH beat you up with anything. Place zero value on any words that come out of his mouth.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not stupid at all. I think we all want to be that for our SO's.

The problem that's happening is you're looking at this comparison as a spreadsheet analytical analysis and WORSE is your husband is answering that way. (Is this guy REALLY this stupid?)

DFT....you're comparing for many reasons.

1. You want an answer to how this could happen. If she's out of your league, than there's an explanation, if she's not than what the EFF was your H thinking? (that's kind of what you battle)

2. And the opposite direction, you want to feel better/more attractive etc. than she is. There's an ego issue going on.

There are so many contradictory things that happen after a betrayal like this but none are good for your psyche. Adding into this mix the recent birth of a child and how giving birth affects a woman's view of herself and wow..that's quite the combo you've been hit with.

I know it's not easy but you gradually have to learn that this happened had nothing to do with you. You could have been the most attractive, attentive, sexually open wife in the world and he STILL would've cheated because the failure and break down is with HIM and only HIM.

PS fake is awful. If I wanted to screw a barbie doll, I'd buy one...in the long term it's a lot cheaper.

Give me a woman who's all natural with a little extra meat and nice curves.....ALL DAY LONG. That's a REAL woman.

There are way too many women who have the body of a 12 year old boy only with cantelopes stuffed under their skin (both in look and feel) with skin like an oompa loompa and hair that looks like they lost a wrestling match with a hydrogen peroxide bottle.....not my thing.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Thank you. I pretty much told him he's an idiot last night. She's all fake. Dyed hair, fake boobs, fake nose. All my body parts are mine, I can't ever compete with fake, but I feel like if he loved me for real, he would feel like you just said above. Overlook my flaws because he is in love with me and I've given him so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you love someone, it's not a matter of overlooking the flaws, it's a matter of learning to love them.. the fact that you know your partners body intimately is a comfort thing. If my wife got a belly, I'd love that belly.. if she went bald, I'd love her bald head. 

Natural beats fake any day of the week. She's fake beyond her body parts I'd be willing to bet...

Next time you're beating yourself up, look at your H, then look at a picture of Brad Pitt... who do you think is more attractive.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??
> 
> I feel like it is seriously ruining me, how will I ever feel confident in myself again after hearing him pick me apart, but I asked him! And I can't stop asking him crap like this! It is torture!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is that you in the avatar?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Oh boy - the "was she prettier than me" issue. That's a really tough one.

My WH had two PAs right after each other. The first I think he actually cared about but he immediately moved onto number 2 when she dropped him. Number 2 dropped him too - he only saw her about 3 times in 2 months - he said she wanted more.

I asked him what they looked like. Were they prettier than me? I didn't want to hear yes as then I would feel inadequate, but I also didnlt want to hear no, as then I'd be like "You threw away our marriage for a fugly?"

He said that they weren't more or less attractive than me, just different.

In fact they were both a little older than me, which made me feel better. The first was 44 and a grandmother! The second was 42 I think. Both slim and blonde - and he says he doesn't have a type.

Onbe thing that did bother me was that the first one was VERY slim - UK size 6 which is about a US size 2!! When we met I was an 8 (US 4) but I had put some weight on and when he had his affairs I was a size 12 (US 8). Now _that_ made me feel unattractive, I felt he thought I was unattractive because I had put on weight and he was looking for someone thinner. He said not, but it's hard to know for sure.

At least I'm on the way down now. I've lost 25 lbs since D-day! It's what I call the "get your husband to f*ck about with two women" diet.

I understand the need to know, but is there really a right answer? However, your WH shouldn't be putting you down at all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I never met my fiance's EA but I did see photos of her. And she written on a social media site that she hoped to "loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30."

Uh, huh, so a woman under 30, no kids and fat already. She had an interesting face so I imagine with the right personality she probably could be attractive to some guys.

But then the messages between them..... while I will accept that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I know rude behavior when I see it. And that's what I found so interesting. After some discussions between us, he agreed to stop this charade of just friends.

But I still find it fascinating ....as I have said before, stop being surprised at the wierdest places that people find value.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Is that you in the avatar?


Yes, that's me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??
> 
> I feel like it is seriously ruining me, how will I ever feel confident in myself again after hearing him pick me apart, but I asked him! And I can't stop asking him crap like this! It is torture!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is nothing of value I can add to some of the incredible responses, except to say that your feelings seem perfectly normal as it is natural for the betrayed to view this as a comparison test. 

It really isn't. It's an addictive betrayal from a person who is broke inside. 

If he cannot accept you and love you for who you are, then it's his problem and not yours. 

When I was a mod at a different betrayal board a guy sent me two pics. One was his (6'1, 210, rock solid, handsome, college educated, great father...) and another pic of the OM (5'8 or so, 250 pounds, trash worker, homely...). The point is that it's rarely about looks and more of feeding the addiction.

So feel good about yourself. It.................. wasn't................. about..................... you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Yes, that's me.


Very photogentic.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

You're a pretty woman. But, again, it's not about you. What your H did is about your H. You could be Miss America and it wouldn't matter. Again, look to my celebrity examples. 
Do you have a pic of the OW? I'm very curious to see the level of "trading down" he did... LOL


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Reminds me of a story about George Burns, the famous comedian/actor. He was married to Gracie Burns for decades. Long after his wife died and he was approaching 100 he was asked in an interview if he ever cheated on her. After a long pause, he said “yes”. Then he continued and stated that Gracie wasn’t very pretty so he cheated with beautiful women. But then he said if he had been married to Marilyn Monroe, he would have cheated with ugly women. 

The point being that it’s all about the betrayal and not about the spouse. Some people have the addiction and some don’t.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Your H is a dope. 

Until my W cheated I saw her as the girl I fell in love with. She never aged a day or gained a pound. On Dday she gained 20 years and 30 lbs. I'd never tell her that. I love her still but she took a lot away. You've been faithful so that isn't the issue.

The problem here is him. He got sucked into the A fog. That made her more attractive, and you less so. Besides making evrything smell sweet, and taste like cotton candy, affair fog also changes the way things look. It makes the AP look better and the BS worse.

For an example. My Ws AP was shorter than me, less attractive, half my income, a dead beat dad, and didn't even have a bigger d!ck. There was no comparison. There wasn't one thing I could find to explain why she would throw me away for him, but she still told him "I don't know if I want him anymore because I've fallen for you" When Dday came and I flat told her I didn't want her cheating @ss at all and he could have her she suddenly opened her fvcking eyes and saw what she was doing. Your H is still foggy and needs to open his fvcking eyes.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Also wanting to know everything is normal. I know I did the same thing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> What is this? I can't stop myself from asking questions I don't even really want to know the answer to. Like finding her more attractive than me and telling me ways in which I don't measure up to her. Including the fact that I cut 10 inches of hair off recently to DONATE TO KIDS WITH CANCER... I just have 8 more pounds to lose after HAVING HIS BABY but my body is not the same... Well couldn't you just be in love with it because it's mine, and I had your child less than a year ago, and I'm trying the best I can? Couldn't you love it because I sacrificed it to give you the family you asked me for??
> 
> I feel like it is seriously ruining me, how will I ever feel confident in myself again after hearing him pick me apart, but I asked him! And I can't stop asking him crap like this! It is torture!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could be being picked apart because they don't feel good about themself - or they could've always just been mean.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand this too well..........................


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I glean from your threads, distraught, that your WH is exceedingly 'open' about his cheating and thoughts and feelings in the wake of his A. Much of what he tells you appears gratuitous to me, i.e., beyond what is needed as truth for a BS to heal. So, I want to question his motives in offering you his unvarnished and hurtful truth to this degree.

Does he have cheater's Tourettes and just blurts out the awful truth? Or has he been counseled to answer in a brutally honest way all of your questions? I seem to recall that he was volunteering some difficult memories uninvited at one point. Why is he behaving this way? I take it this is very new behavior and post-EA.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I am the same way. I cannot seem to stop checking, asking, looking and it is making me tired. I just want that part over with. With every call between them, I pull back a bit more, but still I have to check to see if they have talked or emailed, driving me nuts.


I have this deep need to understand why he said certain things to her or understand why he chose to betray me and why he chose her. It's making me crazy. My therapist said I'm overthinking all of it.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> I glean from your threads, distraught, that your WH is exceedingly 'open' about his cheating and thoughts and feelings in the wake of his A. Much of what he tells you appears gratuitous to me, i.e., beyond what is needed as truth for a BS to heal. So, I want to question his motives in offering you his unvarnished and hurtful truth to this degree.
> 
> Does he have cheater's Tourettes and just blurts out the awful truth? Or has he been counseled to answer in a brutally honest way all of your questions? I seem to recall that he was volunteering some difficult memories uninvited at one point. Why is he behaving this way? I take it this is very new behavior and post-EA.


I agree, like he is trying to eye poke her with it, not come clean and work on R.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I glean from your threads, distraught, that your WH is exceedingly 'open' about his cheating and thoughts and feelings in the wake of his A. Much of what he tells you appears gratuitous to me, i.e., beyond what is needed as truth for a BS to heal. So, I want to question his motives in offering you his unvarnished and hurtful truth to this degree.
> 
> Does he have cheater's Tourettes and just blurts out the awful truth? Or has he been counseled to answer in a brutally honest way all of your questions? I seem to recall that he was volunteering some difficult memories uninvited at one point. Why is he behaving this way? I take it this is very new behavior and post-EA.


It is very new behavior and you are correct, a lot of it is just random "I just remembered this and wanted you to know." Taking honesty to a whole new level...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> It is very new behavior and you are correct, a lot of it is just random "I just remembered this and wanted you to know." Taking honesty to a whole new level...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


dft, do you think it would help if you had him not tell you these 'rememberings', but rather had him write them and place them in a box (or somewhere) for you to read, or not, when you felt like it?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Thank you. I pretty much told him he's an idiot last night. She's all fake. Dyed hair, fake boobs, fake nose. All my body parts are mine, I can't ever compete with fake, but I feel like if he loved me for real, he would feel like you just said above. Overlook my flaws because he is in love with me and I've given him so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just saw your pic he is right You are perfect.

He however is badly flawed


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> telling me ways in which *I don't measure up to her.*



why would you stay with him after learning this?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> [/B]
> why would you stay with him after learning this?


No kidding. Those are just hurtful words.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But you *are* the most beautiful woman in the world! (Well, apart from my wife, of course!)

But your husband is an idiot. Now, everyone has the right to be an idiot, but your husband is abusing the privilege.:smthumbup:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Yes, that's me.


I promise I'm not hitting on you, but you are a beautiful woman. I think your husband has some serious issues or you are secretly a b!tch, which I doubt. I mean you are from Texas.:smthumbup:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Is he getting advice to be honest in all things at all times? Did you demand that he do this?

If not, it is gratuitous and it almost seems like he wants to hurt you. Is that the feeling you are getting?

From the female perspective, you are going to have to keep your spine stiff and your confidence where it should be. No one died and left him the judge of your worth as a woman. Just keep remembering that.

It doesn't matter what she looks like relative to you - there's no accounting for taste. What matters is that you know your own value and you don't let him take that away from you. He has no right. If he's doing it to get back at you, don't take the bait. If he isn't doing it for that reason, don't take the bait.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Is he getting advice to be honest in all things at all times? Did you demand that he do this?
> 
> If not, it is gratuitous and it almost seems like he wants to hurt you. Is that the feeling you are getting?
> 
> ...


No, I didn't demand it, I think he's taking the Not Just Friends book to a literal level no one even knew existed.

Thank you so much for the insightful words.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I really appreciate everyone's feedback and insight. Thank you guys so, so much!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i'm a little confused.

i read your previous threads, and if i'm correct, you were once the OW in all this. you go on to say that his behavior mirrors his actions with you while being married to his then-wife. am i correct?

if this is true, then you married a serial cheater, girlfriend. 

good luck with that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

DistraughtinTX~

May I remind you of something? See this lady?








That's Halle Berry. Her husband cheated on her. 

See this lady?








That's Jennifer Aniston. Her husband cheated on her.

See this lady?








That's Sandra Bullock. Her husband cheated on her.

See this lady?








That's Demi Moore IN HER 40's!! Her husband cheated on her.

I point this out to you to remind you, it is not about looks or outer beauty or even about *you!* It's about him and how he feels. 

Look... I'm more than 50yo, short, plump dumpling of a woman (envision a hobbit Mrs. Santa and you'll be right on the money), and my Dear Hubby LOVES me. My body is nowhere near Halle Berry's or Demi Moore's and it never will be even if I exercise like a wild woman. I might hit "Mary Lou Rhetton" but that's because I'm built to play softball and be firm and solid, not all long and lean and waif-like. I have no hope of every keeping my husband if it's based on looks and outer beauty!

But I am 100% confident my Dear Hubby loves me, and I am convinced of his love, because I act toward him in a way that makes him feel loved. He feels good around me. He feels heard. He feels accepted. He feels interesting. He feels like I care (because I do). He feels like I want to be with him (because I do). He feels like I desire him (because I do). And even though my tummy is not flat and my hips are a bit wider than when I was younger, I don't worry because he feels LOVED in a way that means love to him, and since he feels loved he associates that positive, lovey kind of thing with me. Positive, lovey feelings means he associates my curvy hip and my fuller figure with softness and a sexy body because it's associated with me. 

Does that make sense? I am NOT Sandra Bullock, and I'm not saying any of these ladies did anything wrong with their husbands either. But come on, if it's based on looks and Jennifer Aniston can't keep her husband, what chance would I have? NONE!!! But it's not about "looks" or "beauty."


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

LostCPA said:


> I believe that a lot of wanting to know all of the details is an attempt to understand something that is not understandable. You are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.
> 
> Just know that his affair had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his weakness. However, if you choose to recovery with him, then maybe understanding the details will give you a hint as to what needs she was meeting that he needed so much. We are all responsible for the problems in our marriages, but the WS bears 100% of the responsibility for their affair.


Very true. So many BSs here say the same thing, it could never happen to me, h/she wouldn't do that. I know that I did. My mind rebelled at the thought, didn't want to accept it. I was possessed by the same need to know. She fought me at first, but relented. Now I know more about the when and the where. Did it help? I suppose so. But I can't say with honesty that I know whether it bolstered my confidence in a successful R or just me recognizing the inevitable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Thound said:


> I promise I'm not hitting on you, but you are a beautiful woman. I think your husband has some serious issues or you are secretly a b!tch, which I doubt. I mean you are from Texas.:smthumbup:


LOL, thank you! Born and raised!


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> i'm a little confused.
> 
> i read your previous threads, and if i'm correct, you were once the OW in all this. you go on to say that his behavior mirrors his actions with you while being married to his then-wife. am i correct?
> 
> ...


His wife had already left him and they were separated. But yes, I'm afraid I have.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I just wanted to comment on the part about carrying his child and how you view your body after. For me my wife has a great body and gorgeous face. She endured a lot to give us a family. Weight gain, stretch marks and so on. After giving birth and to this date, I find her more attractive. She sacrificed her body (so to speak), for our happiness and so I will never, ever forget that. It just makes me love her even more. But that's me.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Yes, that's me.


Sorry hun then your husband is a :loser:. Not that beauty is skin deep but you appear to be a very beautiful woman and should never allow someone else to dictate how you see yourself.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I found out he drove a Mercedes, I hate Mercedes to this day. He was a Division 1 coach, I hate that sport to this day. I guess what I am saying the more you know the more that will stick with you and haunt you the rest of your life. Having saying that, I also do not think we can stick our head in the sand and act like all is fine. We are still married and I still love her more than anything, but she took a lot away from me for her few minutes of excitement.


One thing I learned is that you have to conquer your triggers, not let them control you.

In the first couple of months after my WH's affair, I triggered over everything. The very mention of the town where she was from, where they had most of their liaisons, was enough to send me into a panic. One of the things they did was go to the circus in our home town.

My daughter had a silly app on her phone that plays sound effects, one of which is the classic circus music. I had to ask her to turn it off, because I couldn't bear to hear it.

One night for one of their dates, they went to a Frankie and Benny's and the cinema.

Another time they went to a Toby carvery. Every time I drove past a Toby carvery I thought of them and cried.

And so it went on. But I realised I couldn't run my life like this, avoiding all the places they had been - they weren't even the same branches, just the franchise names.

That weekend on our date night, I told my husband I wanted him to take me to a Frankie and Benny's and then we were going to the cinema.

On Saturday we are going to the circus - the SAME one they went to.

Will I trigger? Of course I will. Will I let it control my life? Will I hell!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Robsia said:


> One thing I learned is that you have to conquer your triggers, not let them control you.
> 
> In the first couple of months after my WH's affair, I triggered over everything. The very mention of the town where she was from, where they had most of their liaisons, was enough to send me into a panic. One of the things they did was go to the circus in our home town.
> 
> ...


Why? :scratchhead:Oh! You want to see her family!:smthumbup:
Here are her family


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why? :scratchhead:Oh! You want to see her family!:smthumbup:
> Here are her family


Why? I'm going because my children want to go to the circus and it will be a fun family day out. It's a once a year thing.

I have no animosity toward the OW. She didn't know he was married, and she has been nothng but helpful to me. If it weren;t for her, I would never have the truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Why? I'm going because my children want to go to the circus and it will be a fun family day out. It's a once a year thing.
> 
> I have no animosity toward the OW. She didn't know he was married, and she has been nothng but helpful to me. If it weren;t for her, I would never have the truth.


Joking apart, that sounds as if you are going to have a fantastic family day!

By the way, reclaim The Toby Carvery and reclaim Frankie And Benny's. Make them *yours*.:smthumbup:


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Joking apart, that sounds as if you are going to have a fantastic family day!
> 
> By the way, reclaim The Toby Carvery and reclaim Frankie And Benny's. Make them *yours*.:smthumbup:


Frankie and Benny's is done - we have already been there.

Toby Carvery not yet - probably because I'm not overly keen on carvery food, also because I went to a carvery five days after D-day with my family, and I was suppressing the whole time - it was really tough. But maybe one day.

Funny how these things affect our psyches, isn't it?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Why? I'm going because my children want to go to the circus and it will be a fun family day out. It's a once a year thing.
> 
> I have no animosity toward the OW. She didn't know he was married, and she has been nothng but helpful to me. If it weren;t for her, I would never have the truth.


Robsia, you have opened my eyes. I have become obsessed with the POSOM but like you he is the only one who has given me detailed info about what happened. The graphic stuff and all. But.... he knew my WS was a mother in a long term relationship and he is also married with 2 children so he retains sc**bag status.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Robsia, you have opened my eyes. I have become obsessed with the POSOM but like you he is the only one who has given me detailed info about what happened. The graphic stuff and all. But.... he knew my WS was a mother in a long term relationship and he is also married with 2 children so he retains sc**bag status.


Fair enough - I think I would feel differently if the OW knew he was married.

But the way I see it, he cheated on both of us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Frankie and Benny's is done - we have already been there.
> 
> Toby Carvery not yet - probably because I'm not overly keen on carvery food, also because I went to a carvery five days after D-day with my family, and I was suppressing the whole time - it was really tough. But maybe one day.
> 
> Funny how these things affect our psyches, isn't it?


Oh, yes, it is. 

I think Toby Carvery's do burgers, too, by the way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way I wanted to know absolutely no details of what they did. At all.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> By the way I wanted to know absolutely no details of what they did. At all.


It is human nature to want to know. Ignorance is bliss when you don't know it happened. When you do, curiosity kills the cat.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Here is another nugget for you to digest...
> 
> 
> I was the BS and my WH had a online EA...... after DDay I was jealous......for these reasons and see if you can relate.
> ...


Great post.

You maybe should start a new thread with this as the base questions. I think it deals a lot with the inner, maybe unconscious, motivations of people in a relation, or wanting a new relation.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Frankie and Benny's is done - we have already been there.
> 
> Toby Carvery not yet - probably because I'm not overly keen on carvery food, also because I went to a carvery five days after D-day with my family, and I was suppressing the whole time - it was really tough. But maybe one day.
> 
> Funny how these things affect our psyches, isn't it?


Just a question, but what is a carvery? This feels...English to me, and I'm a yank. 

Dday 2 was mothers day, and when I found out it was a PA and not the EA she had been claiming. We were staying at her moms house, out of town. Confrontation was at 1 am, after I cracked the code on her phone. After basically no sleep, we went to brunch with her entire family. Fake smiling the whole time, I had to force myself to eat a little. It was a fancy place, so instead of normal food, we had omelettes with lobster, smoked salmon, etc. Damn hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Just a question, but what is a carvery? This feels...English to me, and I'm a yank.


Carvery - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Carvery - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Brazilian BBQ, got it...thanks Robsia!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Honest question...is it stupid to want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone? Just one person, because they love me so much. Is that dumb?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, not stupid. I think it's quite natural. And he should love you and think you're beautiful because you're you, not because your body meets some standard or another.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Honest answer: no. My wife is the ONLY beautiful woman in the world. I tell her this all the time. Even the ONLY woman in the world; all other female humans are just biological creatures with whom we share the planet. Not only does she like hearing this (and I feel it), it helps to put another brick in that affair-proofing of our relationship.


I'm stealing this. Thanks for not putting any copyright infringement notations anywhere


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> Here is another nugget for you to digest...
> 
> 
> I was the BS and my WH had a online EA...... after DDay I was jealous......for these reasons and see if you can relate.
> ...


This is to the letter how I felt and still feel 14 months after DD. I never asked for intimate details because it would make me feel nauseous to hear them but I am determined that if he could be like that with OW that I deserve no less; so it has meant that a few times I have gone places I REALLY had no wish to go in order to make my point. It's not good, and I resent having to do it, but I cannot accept that the R is worth having without these things


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> obsession--- it's normal in this part of the healing. I know it feels bad to be so consumed with it but it actually starts to fade about 8-12 months into recovery.
> 
> The obsession represents a void. Your are trying to make sense of it all and you will never be able to. I heard it described as "trying to do a 1000 piece jigsaw with the the lights out and 15 extra pieces thrown in". <-----that's what infidelity does to your brain/heart.
> 
> ...


Okay, I finally had a chance to watch this. It was very insightful, though a little hard for me to follow at times. Thank you for sharing!!


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> DistraughtinTX~
> 
> May I remind you of something? See this lady?
> 
> ...


I have acted in a way that makes him feel loved. Accepted. Heard. Cherished. All those things. He even told me so. He told me it wasn't anything I did or could have done, and continues to tell me this. I wasn't getting those things from him, but I still gave them. I rarely feel heard (because I'm usually not). I don't feel cherished, especially now that I know that I haven't been and that he wanted to abandon me and his 10 month old son. He doesn't associate that lovey dovey feeling with me, or he didn't, and I did all those things for him.

So when do I get to say, you know what, you aren't showing ME love, you aren't making me feel beautiful, heard, accepted, wonderful?? I've done what you mentioned, I've been doing it for years, yet here I sit, and I'M the one who was cheated on and I'M the one who feels like I will never be good enough?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> No, not stupid. I think it's quite natural. And he should love you and think you're beautiful because you're you, not because your body meets some standard or another.


This is all that I want.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why? :scratchhead:Oh! You want to see her family!:smthumbup:
> Here are her family


LOL, this makes me laugh every time I read it!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> So when do I get to say, you know what, you aren't showing ME love, you aren't making me feel beautiful, heard, accepted, wonderful?? I've done what you mentioned, I've been doing it for years, yet here I sit, and I'M the one who was cheated on and I'M the one who feels like I will never be good enough?


When you open your mouth and speak those words to him. I know that was a coy answer but I am overly blunt sometimes.

Obviously you have resentment toward him. He was cheating you like a prize or a trophy. We won you so he put you up on the shelf for you to collect dust and he hasn't been taking care of you.

The best way for him to know how you are feeling is to to speak the words plainly and simply. You have to remember he is made of sticks and snails and puppy dog tails, so it may be hard for him to translate all the sugar and spice and everything nice talk.

My girlfriend is gorgeous. Most guys believe that beautiful girls know that they are beautiful so they don't think they need to tell them. She gets hit on all the time but she told me that she always wants me to tell her that she is pretty and that she needs to here it from me for her own security and because she loves me and wants that love returned.

It was a novel concept to me. I was like, nut you know you are beautiful, you get told all the time, but you need to here it from me? Sure, I can do that. I do that anyway.

It only took a few times of her telling me maybe 3000 before it sank in. I was doing the right things but I got it from her PoV. If she would have used an analogy that had a motorcycle in it, I would have gotten it much faster I'm sure.

You are doing well DFT. You deserve to be told, so communicate with him. He is a guy so expect to have the conversation 462 times before the light bulb goes on


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Just beware, you can't unknow things. I got some details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Just beware, you can't unknow things. I got some details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did you get the details and how do you know their valid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

treyvion said:


> How did you get the details and how do you know their valid?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Asked her for them. I don't have a way to independently verify, but it didn't help things. Got the where and the when. Earlier, much earlier, then I thought it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Asked her for them. I don't have a way to independently verify, but it didn't help things. Got the where and the when. Earlier, much earlier, then I thought it was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bit of a negative bias, honestly. If it isn't comforting to hear, I'm more likely to believe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

I'm surprised this thread isn't more active. This topic always seems to come up. For me, part of it was a need to know things so I could accept the reality of it all. Came out of left field, and my mind railed at the possibility of believing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> I'm surprised this thread isn't more active. This topic always seems to come up. For me, part of it was a need to know things so I could accept the reality of it all. Came out of left field, and my mind railed at the possibility of believing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I cannot stop checking the phone bill, their "secret" email account etc. It drives me nuts. I already know so why do I just torture myself this way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> It is human nature to want to know. Ignorance is bliss when you don't know it happened. When you do, curiosity kills the cat.


I knew what they did. But the details would have hurt me too much.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I cannot stop checking the phone bill, their "secret" email account etc. It drives me nuts. I already know so why do I just torture myself this way.


I think that fades, a little. I checked our online bill constantly right after I found out. Saw no communication, so went through everything trying to find a burner phone. Every few weeks, I do still check the bill. If that's what you need to do for now, go with it. Give it time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> I think that fades, a little. I checked our online bill constantly right after I found out. Saw no communication, so went through everything trying to find a burner phone. Every few weeks, I do still check the bill. If that's what you need to do for now, go with it. Give it time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am at this point too. It has been 3 months. I check the Verizon usage, his remaining email acct -he closed the others and I can't see evidence of a new one, but how would I- I found them before because he got sloppy and transferred some stuff between the accts to send to her, songs, etc. and i saw the new email address.

The only reason I found out about him restarting his online affair from last year this past March was because he forgot to delete his call history on his phone that one day. I had not been checking his phone every day as it had been a year since they ended their online/phone affair last time, or so I thought. So, the phone is the key and I will keep checking it.

He knows I do, says he understands my need to do it and will answer any questions and be an open book. But, since I am twice burned, I will most likely be checking up on him for the foreseeable future.

When I forced him to finally answer the last of my questions because I knew there was more and he was trickling, trickling, I told him my need to know would not go away and it would mean we could not reconcile until I knew all I needed to know. I told him I could not forgive him if I did not know what I was forgiving him for.

So far, so good.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> I'm surprised this thread isn't more active. This topic always seems to come up. For me, part of it was a need to know things so I could accept the reality of it all. Came out of left field, and my mind railed at the possibility of believing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is exactly how I feel. My mind has to make sense of it logically before I can begin to process it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> That is exactly how I feel. My mind has to make sense of it logically before I can begin to process it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But how much is enough? Isn't knowing they did suffice? Do you really need to know if they did it in your bed, or whether they had more orgasms together then you did?


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Just beware, you can't unknow things. I got some details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is sooooooo true 
Be glad you didn't see a video of it. Hearing what happened is one thing, seeing it is another.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I have acted in a way that makes him feel loved. Accepted. Heard. Cherished. All those things. He even told me so. He told me it wasn't anything I did or could have done, and continues to tell me this. I wasn't getting those things from him, but I still gave them. I rarely feel heard (because I'm usually not). I don't feel cherished, especially now that I know that I haven't been and that he wanted to abandon me and his 10 month old son. He doesn't associate that lovey dovey feeling with me, or he didn't, and I did all those things for him.
> 
> So when do I get to say, you know what, you aren't showing ME love, you aren't making me feel beautiful, heard, accepted, wonderful?? I've done what you mentioned, I've been doing it for years, yet here I sit, and I'M the one who was cheated on and I'M the one who feels like I will never be good enough?


Due to your looks and inherent strength, there me some power games that come into play when you get into a relationship with many people. Your husband may be one of them, so all the things you feel "he does" might be done to keep things "even". This happens in real life and happens to men too.

I guess in a ideal world, someone would take great care of you and you take great care of him and it spirals upward. Your happiness, confidence, etc spiral upward together.

It's not the way it works out most of the time, but I've been looking to doing that sort of thing with someone who is aware.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Unaware said:


> This is sooooooo true
> Be glad you didn't see a video of it. Hearing what happened is one thing, seeing it is another.


That's absolutely horrible, I'm very sorry that you had to experience something like that. I can't begin to imagine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

jay_gatsby said:


> But how much is enough? Isn't knowing they did suffice? Do you really need to know if they did it in your bed, or whether they had more orgasms together then you did?


I didn't need to know the gory details, personally. I asked immediately if there was protection, which she confirmed. For a while she fought me on telling me the where and the when. When she finally relented, and told me, it was hard to hear. It gave me some new triggers. I had suspicions as to the when, but as stated above, it ended up being much earlier than I had expected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

For me, finding out when it happened, which like for others was earlier than he had initially said, helped me to understand why it happened.

There were things going on when it started which led him down that path. But there was nothing going on at the time he SAID it had started, so that made no sense to me.

As soon as I had the correct timeline, the 'why' made much more sense.

The sad part is, I now have to factor in our wedding anniversary into that time, when before it hadn't been. We went away for the weekend and everything.

In fact, we're just coming up to the first anniversary of when the whole thing began, which was the beginning of July. This next year is going to be full of triggers.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Unaware said:


> This is sooooooo true
> Be glad you didn't see a video of it. Hearing what happened is one thing, seeing it is another.


There are a couple of video's of my WS and his skank. He thinks I have seen them, but I haven't.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I have acted in a way that makes him feel loved. Accepted. Heard. Cherished. All those things. He even told me so. He told me it wasn't anything I did or could have done, and continues to tell me this. I wasn't getting those things from him, but I still gave them. I rarely feel heard (because I'm usually not). I don't feel cherished, especially now that I know that I haven't been and that he wanted to abandon me and his 10 month old son. He doesn't associate that lovey dovey feeling with me, or he didn't, and I did all those things for him.
> 
> So when do I get to say, you know what, you aren't showing ME love, you aren't making me feel beautiful, heard, accepted, wonderful?? I've done what you mentioned, I've been doing it for years, yet here I sit, and I'M the one who was cheated on and I'M the one who feels like I will never be good enough?


Do not shape your life around trying to shape someone else's behavior. The point of the photos Affaircare posted was to liberate you. To allow you to give yourself a break.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Just beware, you can't unknow things. I got some details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I missed something here, and am now confused. :scratchhead:

I've been following this thread and when I went from one page to the next, this shows up, and it appears everyone BUT me knows what you're talking about....?


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I missed something here, and am now confused. :scratchhead:
> 
> I've been following this thread and when I went from one page to the next, this shows up, and it appears everyone BUT me knows what you're talking about....?


My point was that there is a need to know for some people. But if you can't help but ask questions, the answers don't necessarily provide any relief. I received some details about what happened from my WW, and it hasn't exactly helped our attempt at R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> My point was that there is a need to know for some people. But if you can't help but ask questions, the answers don't necessarily provide any relief. I received some details about what happened from my WW, and it hasn't exactly helped our attempt at R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh lord aint that the truth!? Thanks for clarifying; I was trying to p ut the comment in context of the thread, and didn't think to put it in YOUR context. 

But yeah, that's the wonderful effect of trickle truth, aint it grand? My fWW doesn't do that so much any more, but she sure never offered things up that I would want to know. Had I not discovered her PA, I am sure she never woulda told me about it. Ugh.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Oh lord aint that the truth!? Thanks for clarifying; I was trying to p ut the comment in context of the thread, and didn't think to put it in YOUR context.
> 
> But yeah, that's the wonderful effect of trickle truth, aint it grand? My fWW doesn't do that so much any more, but she sure never offered things up that I would want to know. Had I not discovered her PA, I am sure she never woulda told me about it. Ugh.


I'm sure of any us that had to find out, rather than being told, feel the same. Even now, when she assures me I know everything, I do find it hard to believe. I had to rip this from her unwillingly, so if I didn't have concrete proof of something else, why would I ever believe she's being honest? Again, there exists a negative bias.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Knowing what happened would be enough. Any more would be mind movies for years to come, don't go there.
I was(thought I was anyway), smart when I was younger and never picked up with women who had a BF. I figured if the woman would dump him for me it could easily be me getting dumped for the next guy that came along. I didn't want to end up being one step in the flight of stairs.
I realize that isn't always the case, but the odd's of being the next future ex were obviously much higher.
Stop dwelling on him and get out. Let him be with plasti-tits and find yourself someone who deserves you.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I did, and still do, have the need to know. He tells me. Sometimes, he'll wrinkle his face before he answers and say, "This is bad..." Like the where/when wasn't enough, they "confessed" to eachother when they had sex at home but the "RULE" was that they couldn't be jealous (although it made her cry...WAH!). Also that the physical part of their relationship was so premeditated that she got an IUD first because they didn't want to use condoms, and her husband had a vas. Yep, I asked for details, I got them. Just when I thought I knew everything I could possibly want to know, my mind would travel somewhere else and another question would come up.
He did tell me there was no comparison between us physically. After seeing her bovine tanka$$ I know he was telling the truth about that, too.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> After seeing her bovine tanka$$ I know he was telling the truth about that, too.


I'm sorry, but that comment :lol: just cracked me UP!!! I'm going to memorize that one. Thanks! 
:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

I get the NEED to know, but yeah The trickle truthing makes the questioning harder. With my POSX every time I asked I would get a slightly different answer. This made me ask the same questions over and over again.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

pollywog said:


> There are a couple of video's of my WS and his skank. He thinks I have seen them, but I haven't.


Don't ever watch them if you really love him or want to R (I dont really know your story). 
Even now I can still play that little video clip back in my head. My situation was very different the OW showed it to me thinking I would not realise it mas my partners c0ck. but still you cant unsee it and if I had the choice, I would never have watched it.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Unaware said:


> Don't ever watch them if you really love him or want to R (I dont really know your story).
> Even now I can still play that little video clip back in my head. My situation was very different the OW showed it to me thinking I would not realise it mas my partners c0ck. but still you cant unsee it and if I had the choice, I would never have watched it.


My question to you is: isn't knowing it happened enough? Why do you want to see it? or hear it (if it is a VAR)? This just confounds me that anyone would want to do that.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

jay_gatsby said:


> My question to you is: isn't knowing it happened enough? Why do you want to see it? or hear it (if it is a VAR)? This just confounds me that anyone would want to do that.


I agree, but in my situation this was the only proof that he had cheated on me. If I had not have seen it I never would have known for sure and confronted him.
If I had of known that he was cheating I would have never looked at the video.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Lord what a horrible kind of evidence to look at. My heart goes out to you for that one. Damn.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jay_gatsby said:


> My question to you is: isn't knowing it happened enough? Why do you want to see it? or hear it (if it is a VAR)? This just confounds me that anyone would want to do that.


It is not fun listening to the moans of my wife, but it is undeniable and no matter what my wife said to me and she can be very convincing, the recording brought me back to reality.

Personally, I have only listened to a few minutes of that crap. I have not been able to listen to the entire thing. Got my proof and my wife could not deny it.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> That is exactly how I feel. My mind has to make sense of it logically before I can begin to process it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES!

Like Judge Judy says "If it doesn't make sense, it's not true".

My stbxwh says nothing physical happened, yet one OW sent him VERY intimate pics. It doesn't make sense that she would be so comfortable with sending him those types of pics if they were "just talking". 

Then there is the other OW. When he would be out of town on "business", I noticed on the phone bill that her number would appear frequently throughout the day, stop at around 9pm, then start back at 3am and go right through until morning. 

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE TEXTING YOU AT 3AM FOR, *AND*, WHAT IS SHE, "COINCIDENTLY" DOING UP AT 3AM ALSO?

Logic would suggest (and I know those of you who have been here before already see it) that the 6 hour time lapse was time SPENT TOGETHER! 

Now, I don't know about you, but I generally don't text people after about 9pm, unless I know FOR SURE they are awake. I don't want to interrupt someone's sleep or wake their kids, etc. So again, logic would suggest that she KNEW HE WOULD BE UP and had no fear of waking him... which leads to... HOW WOULD SHE KNOW HE WAS UP?

When I put it to him, his pathetic response was "I don't know why she was texting me that early, but we weren't together".

I'm not sure which is worse - the lying, or the thinking that I can't process things logically and come to the conclusion that the stories told are bulls**t!


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

How funny... I quote that line from Judge Judy ALL. THE. TIME. I live by it.


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