# "Open" relationship turned infelity



## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30. 
Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.

Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.

My husband (boyfriend at the time), found out I was seeing this guy through my Instagram account. Confronted me, and I told him what I did.

We got over it (though, obviously not deep enough, as issues regarding me sleeping with this other person still come up 8 years later). It turns out, when my husband found out about this other person, he actually liked it. And our relationship took a strange turn. We began experimenting with "cuckold" or "hotwife" fantasies where I would sleep with others and send him pictures or tell him about it. 

I semi regularly checked in with him, making sure he is still okay with the arrangement and he never once spoke up about changing anything.

Fast forward to me being pregnant with baby #2... Every time we get pregnant, we take a break from this cuckold "life style" for obvious reasons. Well, it turns out that when I was pregnant with baby #1, I find out he frequented strip clubs and paid strippers for blow jobs and sex. This was obviously not part of out arrangement, even without me being pregnant. But it hurts even more to find out that he did it while I was pregnant (and we were both supposed to be focussing on our relationship and soon new baby).

Upon further investigation, I find out he's been on 11+ dating sites, messaging both men and women (telling some women that he would meet up with them, I never "caught" him saying this to men, but he did tell me he exchanged nude photos with men and women... Looking for "validation"), he tells me he has a sexual addiction on and off (depending on the argument we are having). 

We have been to 4 or so marriage councelling sessions, didn't think our councellor was a great fit for us considering our very out of the norm relationship, we just didn't feel like she understood us enough to help us.

So now I'm here, 9 months pregnant into a relationship for 10 years and find out all along, my husband has been sort of living this second Life online and in strip clubs.

You may find yourself judging me for being angry with him because of our cuckold lifestyle, but it was the lack of communication and lying behind my back that hurts so deeply. (Also, finding this out while pregnant with his baby is also pretty painful)...

Please refrain from being harsh, as I'm 9 months pregnant, feeling like I don't have trust in my relationship. I don't have much hope that we will get better, as we have a seemingly large problem with lack of communication.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this, as I feel stigmatized because of our original cuckold arrangement, so here o am, trying to get some gentle advice from strangers on the internet.

I don't see myself without him, I want to forgive him, we do love each other, but no just don't know how I can trust him again. What signs should I be looking for? And in your opinion, does it sound like he has a sexual addiction? 

I'm so lost. It's so fresh.. and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Really needing support from him during this time, and finding it hard to lean on him when I feel like I don't even know him.

Thanks for reading...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Open the door to infidelity you have no control over what comes out of it.

Sorry but there’s no magic to fix these things. It sounds like you’ll have a decision to make after the child is born.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am not sure what you want exactly. It is a crappy situation. He has violated your consent. And no you don't deserve it because you guys have a kink. (And just to note, just because he ended up enjoying it doesn't mean that you should get a pass for cheating on him in the first place.) If I were in your situation, I would end the relationship. I don't know if he has a sexual addiction or not, but lying would be a deal breaker to me. 

But I get that you are in a difficult place. Being 9 months pregnant makes things complicated. 

Is he seeking individual counseling? Have you guys looked for counselors who serve the kink population? What else is he doing to to address he SA? Has he fully disclosed or is he only admitting what he thinks you already know? These are the questions you are going to have to ask yourself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30.
> Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.
> 
> Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.
> ...


I am not excusing your pain or saying it's right but I think you kind of opened Pandora's box by cheating. Your husband never really recovered and it seems to me his way of coping was to dismiss the importance of fidelity at all in your relationship. This was probably brought on by a real deep shame and insecurity. It was probably always there but I suspect the cheating probably broke him. Now I am no expert but I have read a lot about Trauma having experience a different kind and forced to deal with PTSD.

Often time it seems the way people deal with trauma is to put themselves in a situation where they can relive it in what they feel is a controlled environment. The control in this case being at least knowing it's coming. This is often the case with women who were sexually abused and can lead to acting out sexually unhealthy. I suspect some of the hot wife stuff might have been the same thing. Reliving the event in a controlled environment isn't even an unhealthy idea at least that is what therapist try to do except they talk about the trauma. You relive it in your mind but with someone there to talk you through it.

For instance if it's violent trauma no one would think it's healthy to allow yourself to bet beat up again, but you might talk to to a therapist about your feeling about it over and over. My overall point is that he may not really have been into this hotwife lifestyle so much as he was subconsciously trying to deal with his trauma from your affair. But if that is the case it probably has contributed to the total breakdown of your relationship and probably his value of fidelity with you. 

He also may have even been trying to kill his feelings. Which is what happens to most people when they see their partner with someone else. Maybe the thought was if experiences you being with other men enough he will eventually not care about it anymore and in that way he won't feel the pain he does when he thinks about your cheating. This is an unhealthy but logical way of thinking. But it probably also killed any value he had in fidelity at all. Again it wasn't right to not tell you he felt this way, just saying what it might be.

So though you may have thought you had come to some sort of solution but your husband is very very broken. I am not saying that to excuse his actions but I think all of this is connected. You both need to see someone who specializes in sexual trauma. There is a lot of damage here on both sides. Also your relationship has a much more complicated relationship with fidelity and what that means then most. It's going to be hard to find a counselor. Maybe you deal with the sexual trauma and see what kind of relationship you are left with after that. His and your priorities might change. 

Some questions I might ask is did you have an open marriage or not? Would he have described your marriage as open? I understand that people who do this still feel there is cheating if it's not discussed first, but at the very least it adds a layer of complication. Is it just the fact that you didn't know? Is it the idea of him sharing himself sexually with someone else? Is it partly that you are pregnant and reasonably feeling more insecure?

Being honest with yourself was the lifestyle just for him or did it also play into your own desire (particularly in the fact that you are a cheater so it's not like that isn't in you)? I ask that because maybe he feels that is a very unbalanced and unfair situation. You should work on clarifying your feelings because your relationship is so complicated being able to have and speak with clarity will help whatever therapist end up working with.

In my mind he is almost like a guy returning from war who gets into violent fights. I think we can all understand why it happens but the destruction is so great I am not sure it matters at that point.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ugh..huge problem that developed long ago. I'm sorry to say this but the relationship was built on a very weak foundation and your relationship style isn't one that lends itself to longterm success. My suggestion is to learn from your past so you can better understand his present and realize the pain you have now was the pain he felt then, after all you are both guilty of the same wrongdoing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s unlikely to change. You’ll have to decide what you’re going to do with that.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

I agree, I'm not innocent.

But I was 19, he was my only sexual partner (he took my virginity). I made a stupid mistake 8 years ago, and I have not broken his trust since. After reading another poster's comment on my thread I realize that even though he said he was over it and forgave me, there was absolutely some subconscious trauma left behind, and unhealthy coping mechanisms brought on.

We decided to move forward and build a family, set black and white parameters with our new lifestyle, and he chose to break them. Especially sleeping with strippers/prostitutes then coming home to me to have sex with me while I'm pregnant (with baby#1). He could have hurt our baby...

I effed up, but now I feel like he effed up bigger, and during a more vulnerable time in my life...

Something else I didn't mention was that when I asked him if he even considered me or my sexual health while I was pregnant, he flat out said no. He didn't consider it.

I appreciate all these new perspectives. When you aren't able to talk to anyone about such a large secret, you sometimes can't tell who is right and who is wrong, and what sounds crazy and what doesn't. Sharing my story and hearing from others is helping to ground me a little, and I appreciate you offering your opinion, while still being gentle enough towards me.


BlueWoman said:


> I am not sure what you want exactly. It is a crappy situation. He has violated your consent. And no you don't deserve it because you guys have a kink. (And just to note, just because he ended up enjoying it doesn't mean that you should get a pass for cheating on him in the first place.) If I were in your situation, I would end the relationship. I don't know if he has a sexual addiction or not, but lying would be a deal breaker to me.
> 
> But I get that you are in a difficult place. Being 9 months pregnant makes things complicated.
> 
> Is he seeking individual counseling? Have you guys looked for counselors who serve the kink population? What else is he doing to to address he SA? Has he fully disclosed or is he only admitting what he thinks you already know? These are the questions you are going to have to ask yourself.


I like your suggestion to look for a counsellor who has experience with kink couples... I hadn't thought this could even be a thing to look for. But on the internet I supposed you can find anything, and remote counseling might be a good idea. Thank you for sharing. He did trickle truth, but I feel like there is a good chance I know about 95% of the secrets. You can never know for sure though...


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

OP, Sokillme makes an excellent point in referencing trauma as an underlying yet predominant issue. It's a very important point to consider going forward.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Needingadvice333 said:


> I agree, I'm not innocent.
> 
> But I was 19, he was my only sexual partner (he took my virginity). I made a stupid mistake 8 years ago, and I have not broken his trust since. After reading another poster's comment on my thread I realize that even though he said he was over it and forgave me, there was absolutely some subconscious trauma left behind, and unhealthy coping mechanisms brought on.
> 
> ...


How old you were back then doesn't matter, it still had a massive impact on him. It's the foundation that was weak. He did wrong as well, worse or not is a debatable opinion, if you want to fix things stay out of the blame game arena.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I am not excusing your pain or saying it's right but I think you kind of opened Pandora's box by cheating. Your husband never really recovered and it seems to me his way of coping was to dismiss the importance of fidelity at all in your relationship. This was probably brought on by a real deep shame and insecurity. It was probably always there but I suspect the cheating probably broke him. Now I am no expert but I have read a lot about Trauma having experience a different kind and forced to deal with PTSD.
> 
> Often time it seems the way people deal with trauma is to put themselves in a situation where they can relive it in what they feel is a controlled environment. The control in this case being at least knowing it's coming. This is often the case with women who were sexually abused and can lead to acting out sexually unhealthy. I suspect some of the hot wife stuff might have been the same thing. Reliving the event in a controlled environment isn't even an unhealthy idea at least that is what therapist try to do except they talk about the trauma. You relive it in your mind but with someone there to talk you through it.
> 
> ...


I appreciate you sharing your perspective on how he may be attempting to cope with the trauma I caused him by reliving it in a more controlled environment. I'll have to read more about this so I can understand better.

With regards to defining our marriage, in short we might use this term, but if we were to explain it in more detail, open definition would not fit.

Of course this relationship was also beneficial to me. But it was he who started the cuckold portion. I found out he was watching "cheating" porn and asked him about it, he explained that he actually enjoyed thinking about me with other men, and the rest is history (as you know).

So as far as my understanding, it was mutually beneficial. Where we went wrong was me not asking often enough and him not sharing that he actually did have other urges he was apparently not telling me about. So he went behind my back.

I really truly appreciate you taking the time to offer your insight in a constructive and gentle way. It's opening my mind and giving me some suggestions on how to move forward. As much as we had couples therapy, I think he could benefit from individual also. We will try and make this happen.


Benbutton said:


> How old you were back then doesn't matter, it still had a massive impact on him. It's the foundation that was weak. He did wrong as well, worse or not is a debatable opinion, if you want to fix things stay out of the blame game arena.


I mention my age, because after reading many posts on this site, they say it takes 3-5 years to rebuild trust and this was 8 yrs ago. I have not gone behind his back since, sorry, I know I effed up royally and wasn't trying to diminish. Even though it was a while ago, clearly he is still messed up by my affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

People are saying how much the affair damaged him, yet he asked you to carry on having sex with other men, so clearly it wasnt that bad!


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> How old you were back then doesn't matter, it still had a massive impact on him. It's the foundation that was weak. He did wrong as well, worse or not is a debatable opinion, if you want to fix things stay out of the blame game arena.


It's hard to not address blame when trying to get over this. I'm open to leaving it out of the discussion but I guess what I'm looking for is what should we be talking about, what should be be laying on the table. How do we both move forward, what can he do to rebuild my trust in him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For starters, he will need to be 100% transparent in what he does going forward. No secrets. That’s easier said than done for some and time will tell if he can do that. Trust is difficult to get back and takes awhile. And it’s really not a good idea to ever again be as trusting as you were before this happened. It takes at least several years — often more — to recover from infidelity and it’s a tough road full of triggers. Some succeed and some don’t. If the two of you are willing to put in the work and effort it requires, you could be one of the lucky ones.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Needingadvice333 said:


> It's hard to not address blame when trying to get over this. I'm open to leaving it out of the discussion but I guess what I'm looking for is what should we be talking about, what should be be laying on the table. How do we both move forward, what can he do to rebuild my trust in him?


I get it and I understand. I guess my point is that placing blame on one another for sins against the relationship will not help as you both have been hurt by eachother. What I would do is work to acknowledge each others feelings and expressing to him how it made you feel. Talk to each other about how it felt, the hurt, the pain and then acknowledge.

Try very hard not to blame. I can't stress it enough because it will only lead to more hurt feelings and less time healing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Could I ask you, if you could define of relationship you want, having gone through all this what would you want? In getting pass this how would see a future together?


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Could I ask you, if you could define of relationship you want, having gone through all this what would you want? In getting pass this how would see a future together?


That's a very good question. I have considered answering this... but I'm also 9 months pregnant, out of my mind and out of my body. 

So I think I can't make a hard decision about what I want while going through such a drastic period of change (women really don't feel like themselves being super pregnant... ) I do think defining this in the very near future after the baby comes will help me with my next relationship moves. I agree,. It's important to figure out what we both want and define it clearly. That's what our councellor said also. I just can't arrive at that definition right now. Thank you for bringing this up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> Of course this relationship was also beneficial to me. But it was he who started the cuckold portion. I found out he was watching "cheating" porn and asked him about it, he explained that he actually enjoyed thinking about me with other men, and the rest is history (as you know).


I think you will find that when almost all men who are cheated on, feel like they were cuckolded, particularly if it's gone on for a while, and they were still expending the same emotional and "sweat of their brow" energy the whole time their partner is having sex with someone else. There is a whole phrase for this that a lot of men use - alpha ****s, beta bucks. Crude to be sure but the idea being that she thinks of the one guy as exciting and who she wants to give herself to physically, but she uses the steady guy to help support her financial and often even emotionally. This is a very big thing for men. So honestly I doubt your husband would say that he was the one who created the cuckold dynamic.

Depending on his level of self esteem he may have even resigned himself to only being worthy of this cuckold role, maybe even thinking at least in the way he could participate in that with you. Not lose you. I am not even saying this was conscience, with and exact clinical understanding as I just wrote it. But I could see how he chose this dynamic going forward. Another thing that may have happened is he may have enjoyed the rush of adrenaline that the cheating gave to him. Kind of like an adrenaline junky, he may have found that his own cheating gave him the same thing.

It's also not uncommon for men whose wife's cheated to get turned on by the fact in a twisted way. I have read a bunch of posts about that. I think that be a product of how lots of men think. They think of there wives as the good virtuous women who they marry, but their is the bad girl harlot who you fantasize about having crazy sex with. This is the same kind of thing as the bad boy thing that women have. So for these guys it's like the move their wives from the virtuous category to the harlot one and that can be a turn on. But it's really not a healthy way to look at the opposite sex to begin with. So maybe this got all mixed up with your husband.

I think even if you were to take the hotwife stuff out of it, once someone opens up their marriage by cheating it's kind of a stretch to expect the partner to value it the same why they once did. You kind of set the environment at that point, and the environment is one that has infidelity as part of it's nature. So did the hot-wife stuff contribute? Yes probably but I suspect your affair is really where this began. And cheating may have always been in his nature. Or maybe if it hadn't happened if he was tempted he would have thought to himself, I would never do that, but now he thinks. What the hell, she won't care really. She didn't care with me. Some people see fidelity as either sacred or not but that it always exists for both people. Kind of like a state of mind or something.

Again I am not saying any of this is right the whole thing was wrong, yours and his. But I just have to be honest, personally I think cheating on your part probably started it, sounds like he was trying deal with it and that lead to this lifestyle. In the end there has been a toxic aspect of all this for years for a long time. Even the best marriages would have problems with this, and I would argue if you have one of the best marriages you wouldn't want this lifestyle though because the best marriages as most people understand it have fidelity as something they celebrate.

This kind of lifestyle seems like it would be very hard not to spiral because there seems to either have a humiliation (when it comes to the husband) aspect to it, or power dynamic where the husband is essentially pimping out his wife like his own personal porn-star. In the later case I think it's often because his sexual nature was developed around porn at a young age and he is more into the idea of women having sex then having sex with them. I think your marriage kind of feel victim to some of these toxic dynamics which seem hard to avoid. I don't say that to put you down but to try to get you to open your eyes about where you are now so you can try to recover in some way. I think you think you understood your husband but I don't think you have as good an understand as you though. 

Now I am not saying any of that to discount your pain. Infidelity is very painful. Even when it's just emotional it's life changing. If anything this may help you understand how he could spiral so far. But you also need to protect yourself. I am just trying to give you some ideas to work with. Both of you need to talk to someone who specializes in this.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife and I aren’t into any of that stuff but just because the two of you are different doesn’t discount that a foundation of any relationship is complete transparency and offering to your partner a piece of mind that offers them a safe emotional place to do so.

Until you can provide that to one another... you have no foundation to start from.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> That's a very good question. I have considered answering this... but I'm also 9 months pregnant, out of my mind and out of my body.


I think this is a place where you have some control and can do some work to help yourself. It seems at least in part, understandably being pregnant has contributed to your fear. Just seeing that as part of this may help you. 

First of all - your hormones are heightened and out of wack, it's not uncommon for women who are pregnant to struggle emotionally as you acknowledge.

Next you probably feel like you have lost control of your body to some extent. That would be hard already but on top of that you feel like you have lost control of your marriage and your life.

I suspect you feel less attractive and given your cheating an lifestyle I would suspect that being attractive and desirable is something that you place a very high value on as far as your understanding of your worth. On top of that getting cheated on makes everyone feel less attractive because we feel like we were past over for someone better. Even if that has no basis in fact.

And of course there is your future with your arriving child. 

All of this is really hard without the uncertainty of infidelity.

What I can tell you is no matter what happens you will survive this. Plenty of people separate and have great lives. Growing up in a divorced home is not uncommon anymore. You will have this baby, and you will be OK no matter what happens. Believe that.

This is very hard no doubt, but it's not insurmountably.

I am not saying you shouldn't mourn and feel pain from this, I am saying just don't assume your life is over. I know you probably get that intellectually but you may have to continue to remind yourself emotionally.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

If you don’t mind me asking how many other men had you been with during this time frame? Also congrats on your new baby!!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, especially with children. But did you really expect that you could have a normal, healthy marriage/family situation on a pathological hotwife/cuckold foundation? 

Let’s put aside your initial infidelity (which probably did impact your husband deeply), the lifestyle you agreed to and embraced is completely antithetical to a healthy relationship, and especially a family.

I’m sorry to say I’m not sure I see any way to a good ending for you. The only way forward I can see would be to kill and bury your dysfunctional marriage and re-establish your marriage as a monogamous relationship, reform your boundaries, and move forward together as such. And get serious individual and joint counseling. Can you both actually survive and overcome the pain and dysfunction of your history, I don’t know. But that’s the best shot you have.

That’s assuming you really want to try to save this marriage. You need to be able to respect each other for a successful marriage. You need to ask yourself if you can really respect a husband who would allow himself to be a cuckold. Can you really look at a man, who would allow his wife to give herself to other men, with admiration and respect? And can he respect you after participating in it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Needingadvice333 I think that it is possible your husband would have done exactly what he did even if you had not cheated on him and even if he hadn't decided to take up the cuckold lifestyle.

However, if there was humiliation of your husband, then it's possible he might have needed reaffirmation of his manhood by doing what he did and might not be able to cope without this reaffirmation.

You need to shop around for a therapist who can help you with your unusual, but not unique, situation.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Matt brings up a good point, after being with these men and you came home did he feel he need to re-own you in some way? Also could you put the hot wiring behind you completely?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Needingadvice333 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30.
> Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.
> 
> Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.
> ...


You have a lot going on here. And you are understandably confused especially since there are things in your lives that are outside the statistical norm.

Someone mentioned a therapist who is familiar with kinks and such. Look up Kink Aware Professionals. It's a list of professionals of all types who are aware of kinks, and the LBGT community and their needs. Even if you can't immediately find someone in your area, maybe someone nearby might know of another closer to you. Or as you noted, there is the online conference thing.

Yes, once you are more mentally and emotionally stable, then think hard about what you want. You then need to make sure that he is aware of them. He also needs to make sure you are aware of what he wants. I got the impression that you were ok with the cuckold and hot wife situations. So ethical non-monogamy is not the issue. The problem stems from where he has made non-ethical decisions of late, and you earlier on.

In this case sex addiction is an excuse. That is not to say he doesn't have such an addiction, but it doesn't excuse the lying and going behind your back. It will be one thing if he fails to control himself and informs you. But more lying and deception will mean that you cannot trust him. You have to keep the two separate. And decide on what you want, and if he can provide it. Do not fall into the trap that love will overcome this. Love is no sole basis for a marriage. A single factor among many, but never the only one. Love does not conquer all.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’m sorry you’re in this situation, especially with children. But did you really expect that you could have a normal, healthy marriage/family situation on a pathological hotwife/cuckold foundation?
> 
> Let’s put aside your initial infidelity (which probably did impact your husband deeply), the lifestyle you agreed to and embraced is completely antithetical to a healthy relationship, and especially a family.
> 
> ...


To answer your question yes, I did expect to have a _healthy_ relationship. Normal? By whose standards. Every relationship is extremely unique and what works with one couple will not work with the other. With regards to the subtle Kink shaming regarding my husband's enjoyment in cuckold, or me sleeping with others, yes I can still look at him and respect him. That does not bear any weight on my wanting to be with him.

the issue I am having in my marriage right now is the fact that he went behind my back and crossed boundaries that we had talked about, set and both agreed to.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Matt brings up a good point, after being with these men and you came home did he feel he need to re-own you in some way? Also could you put the hot wiring behind you completely?


it does make sense from a logical standpoint but he would pick me up from the guy's house and truly be on cloud nine. He has told me many times even after the fact how much he enjoys that and how it turns him on, and affirms how desirable I am. But then again that doesn't mean on a subconscious level he's not embarrassed. Sexuality is a very fluid thing and two opposites can coexist sometimes.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> You have a lot going on here. And you are understandably confused especially since there are things in your lives that are outside the statistical norm.
> 
> Someone mentioned a therapist who is familiar with kinks and such. Look up Kink Aware Professionals. It's a list of professionals of all types who are aware of kinks, and the LBGT community and their needs. Even if you can't immediately find someone in your area, maybe someone nearby might know of another closer to you. Or as you noted, there is the online conference thing.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the suggestion on the specialist professionals I will definitely be looking them up.

And yes you hit the nail on the head. The ethical non-monogamy I don't think was the issue it was the lack of ethics with regards to what he chose to do behind my back. did the ethical non-monogamy blur the lines for him and maybe give him a sense of moral "go ahead"? Maybe. 

I think this is a very complex situation and there is no one thing that led us to where we are. As someone else mentioned, blaming one another might not be so important, and maybe we should be focusing our energy on propelling forward as opposed to establishing who is most at fault.

We both understand that if we are going to work at this we need to be very clear with boundaries and that if someone chooses to cross them after they've been clearly communicated, we will not work. Upon reflection, we didn't spend enough time communicating our hard boundaries. It was something that in hindsight we really should have spent more time on.

At this point, working on our relationship issues are on pause until baby girl is born in 2 weeks and probably a short well after she's born so we can get settled. We are going to take all of these tips, evaluate where we see our relationship in the future and begin reaching out to the professionals who can help us with the best chances of getting there. Thank you for sharing your insight and resources, I appreciate this. It's really helpful for me to get this off my chest and dialogue with others.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sounds like you have a handle on the situation going forward. There have been a couple people come through this place with situations not too different from yours. It seems to me that people who are a bit more successful at this stuff have some hard established rules about how they go about it.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Sounds like you have a handle on the situation going forward. There have been a couple people come through this place with situations not too different from yours. It seems to me that people who are a bit more successful at this stuff have some hard established rules about how they go about it.


I was freaking out for a while feeling like I was the only one in the world going through something remotely similar to our situation.

I was looking on Facebook groups, trying to think if there was someone in my life who had experienced infidelity that felt comfortable to reach out to (nope), don't feel comfortable sharing with my mother, found some other blogs online that hadn't been touched since 2014, and here I am on the "talk about marriage infedelity thread" and I'm so glad I have found others who have been there done that, and can share their perspectives.

I've been scrolling all day, soaking everything in and I feel like it's the start of me becoming a lot more equipped to deal with this.

Sharing experiences can help rationalize, it can help you detect patterns, and it can help you sort of know what to expect in the healing process, ect...

This is an amazing resource. I just have to learn how to properly reply to comments lol.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Needingadvice333 said:


> I was freaking out for a while feeling like I was the only one in the world going through something remotely similar to our situation.
> 
> I was looking on Facebook groups, trying to think if there was someone in my life who had experienced infidelity that felt comfortable to reach out to (nope), don't feel comfortable sharing with my mother, found some other blogs online that hadn't been touched since 2014, and here I am on the "talk about marriage infedelity thread" and I'm so glad I have found others who have been there done that, and can share their perspectives.
> 
> ...


You might find that a lot of answers (good or bad) arrive on there own very soon. It’s baby time and not sex play time. Dynamics and logistics are on their own terms for a while yet. The two of you are probably still weeks away from talking to the right kind of help...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's disgusting Portland has let this go on like this. I really hope all these businesses sue the bejesus out of the municipalities who aren't doing anything about it. It's just ridiculous that the police can't use any normal riot-control methods. Just sad.


Your husbands issues may be manageable but they aren’t curable. Do some research online So you know what you’re dealing with.

Serial cheater, homosexuality, etc.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> And yes you hit the nail on the head. The ethical non-monogamy I don't think was the issue it was the lack of ethics with regards to what he chose to do behind my back. did the ethical non-monogamy blur the lines for him and maybe give him a sense of moral "go ahead"? Maybe.


I was in the sex trade a number of years ago and had several clients where the husband was into cuckolding and wife watching/filming, so I'm familiar with your lifestyle. Virtually all couples ultimately divorced. I've had to walk away from several because the husband wanted to engage in male to male contact, which I strictly prohibited and is a common problem in these assignments, calling his wife names, (wh-re, sl-t, et cetera) during or after the fact.
Your expectations of him may be a bit unrealistic. You're married to a man who enjoys seeing and hearing about his wife banging other guys. Why wouldn't he set a low bar on the rules he's to follow. I doubt if he views his monogamy as being important, considering his views on your fidelity, and may look at it as only your idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> To answer your question yes, I did expect to have a _healthy_ relationship. Normal? By whose standards. Every relationship is extremely unique and what works with one couple will not work with the other. With regards to the subtle Kink shaming regarding my husband's enjoyment in cuckold, or me sleeping with others, yes I can still look at him and respect him. That does not bear any weight on my wanting to be with him.
> 
> the issue I am having in my marriage right now is the fact that he went behind my back and crossed boundaries that we had talked about, set and both agreed to.


Cant you understand though that once you opened the door to adultery and bringing others into the marriage that its effectively opened the door to more of the same or similar? Clearly neither of you sees faithfullness or sex being only between the two of you as important. To be honest I am surprised that you are surprised.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Your husbands issues may be manageable but they aren’t curable. Do some research online So you know what you’re dealing with.
> 
> Serial cheater, homosexuality, etc.


I will thank you. I'm of the personal opinion that we are all on the kinsey scale, and I have been with women also. So the "homosexual" aspect is something I will look into, but doesn't seem like a major reed flag? Maybe I'm naive. I find some women attractive.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Cant you understand though that once you opened the door to adultery and bringing others into the marriage that its effectively opened the door to more of the same or similar? Clearly neither of you sees faithfullness or sex being only between the two of you as important. To be honest I am surprised that you are surprised.


If you read any of my thread replies you would understand that yes I do understand the role my cheating 8 years ago has played. Thanks for your comment.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m curious if you want to continue in this lifestyle? Is this something you and your husband still want to do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> If you read any of my thread replies you would understand that yes I do understand the role my cheating 8 years ago has played. Thanks for your comment.


Not talking about the cheating. Talking about you having sex with other men and him encouraging it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Needingadvice333 said:


> I was freaking out for a while feeling like I was the only one in the world going through something remotely similar to our situation.
> 
> I was looking on Facebook groups, trying to think if there was someone in my life who had experienced infidelity that felt comfortable to reach out to (nope), don't feel comfortable sharing with my mother, found some other blogs online that hadn't been touched since 2014, and here I am on the "talk about marriage infedelity thread" and I'm so glad I have found others who have been there done that, and can share their perspectives.
> 
> ...


Look up Touch of Flavor. They have a lot of information and advice and such for those in kink and poly situations. You are not alone in this. As I often say, you are not the first, and you won't be the last.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Need, where is your husbands head in all of this today, is he being accountable for his actions or is he trying to hide it or suppress it.....my feeling is that this cuckold lifestyle has left him psychologically damaged and he needs to find other women and possibly men attracted to him, that he has decided to find venues for that. Sadly stripped joint are the furthest from true attraction because just having money in your pocket makes you attractive. You may need to ditch the cuckold lifestyle for more of a swingers lifestyle, where he gets attention as well. Again as others have suggested you need a professional in this field.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I was in the sex trade a number of years ago and had several clients where the husband was into cuckolding and wife watching/filming, so I'm familiar with your lifestyle. Virtually all couples ultimately divorced. I've had to walk away from several because the husband wanted to engage in male to male contact, which I strictly prohibited and is a common problem in these assignments, calling his wife names, (wh-re, sl-t, et cetera) during or after the fact.
> Your expectations of him may be a bit unrealistic. You're married to a man who enjoys seeing and hearing about his wife banging other guys. Why wouldn't he set a low bar on the rules he's to follow. I doubt if he views his monogamy as being important, considering his views on your fidelity, and may look at it as only your idea.


I don't understand what


Torninhalf said:


> I’m curious if you want to continue in this lifestyle? Is this something you and your husband still want to do?


I don't know if we want to continue. As I mentioned up thread I'm nine months pregnant and we don't engage in that lifestyle while I'm pregnant so we will have to see after baby is born whether the future of our relationship will look like that.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Look up Touch of Flavor. They have a lot of information and advice and such for those in kink and poly situations. You are not alone in this. As I often say, you are not the first, and you won't be the last.


Thank you. I will look it up. For those who lead heteronormative relationships, I can tell they are judging me on a level which doesn't really help my situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who can sort of understand where we are coming from. Thank you for that


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Needingadvice333 said:


> I don't understand what
> 
> I don't know if we want to continue. As I mentioned up thread I'm nine months pregnant and we don't engage in that lifestyle while I'm pregnant so we will have to see after baby is born whether the future of our relationship will look like that.


Maybe the better question is what do you want to do?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Cant you understand though that once you opened the door to adultery and bringing others into the marriage that its effectively opened the door to more of the same or similar? Clearly neither of you sees faithfullness or sex being only between the two of you as important. To be honest I am surprised that you are surprised.


Once flood waters get into a foundation, it quickly erodes and fails.

From the beginning, both of your sexual cravings and emotions flooded out your (courting) and marriage bond.

Your husband finding out about your initial cheating, prior to marriage, gave him an excuse to carry on with his serious, willy, nilliness.

In his eyes, you devalued yourself, and he _hurtfully_ accepted your rating (image).

Sometime after that, say, near that 8 year mark, that you mentioned, he saw you as a sex toy. 
A means to his pleasure.

I believe he felt he could no longer satisfy your sexual needs, so he loaned you out for others to do that 'chore'.

You were no longer his treasured wife, the mother of his children. He cut his own wrists by doing this.
No, he did not physically die, bleed out; he symbolically died via moral loss.

He threw in the towel, after wiping away his semen on the whole marriage failure.

I personally think he always has had that low esteem, and *he developed coping mechanisms* by self-indulging in strip clubs, and the services of sex workers.
He had no feelings for these others. They were means to an end.
It made him feel* potent.*

He did this to take his mind away from _your high sex drive and needs._
He shot his seeds elsewhere, knowing (in his mind) he could not 'really' satisfy _you.

I believe you somehow made him feel sexually inadequate during that initial ~9 year period, prior to you cuckolding him.
You did this, knowingly or not._

In all, he is just another troubled and incomplete man.
His existence is totally tied to his penis.
Not, an uncommon thing.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Thank you. I will look it up. For those who lead heteronormative relationships, I can tell they are judging me on a level which doesn't really help my situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who can sort of understand where we are coming from. Thank you for that
[/QUOTE]

So basically, you don’t want to hear any input from anyone who might suggest that your hotwife/cuckold lifestyle might be problematic. You don’t want to consider any possible link between your lifestyle and current marital problems...

Here’s the reality:
You are engaging in a lifestyle that destroys the vast majority of marriages that engage in it, so understand that you are playing with fire. Understand that most men don’t respect cuckolds and most women don’t respect cuckold men. And that’s not said with any animosity and your not being “shamed.”

When you come here (or anywhere similar for that matter) you’re going to get different perspectives, and that’s a good thing. Take what’s useful and leave the rest. But don’t whine about being judged or shamed because people point out the obvious issues with successfully incorporating behaviors so antithetical to marriage/family into your marriage/family.

You do you. You can live however you want, but don’t expect the world to pat you on the head and tell you it’s a healthy thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

God gave men penises to keep them in the barnyard, and out of HIS hair.
God gave women vaginas to keep men occupied, and in keeping them both from usurping HIS power.
God gave women vaginas to make babies, keeping them so busy, they have no time to get into HIS business.

We are put on Earth to procreate.

How we do that is our business, yay, HE created us. HE created us, all different, some say with flaws and claws, I say with evolutionary aims.
Evolution is a risky endeavor.
This makes God a gambler, or an Experimentalist.

THRD- from his archives


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Needingadvice333 said:


> Thank you. I will look it up. For those who lead heteronormative relationships, I can tell they are judging me on a level which doesn't really help my situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who can sort of understand where we are coming from. Thank you for that


"heteronormative relationships" are practiced because they are the best option for raising children. This isn't about what arrangement works best for your kinks, or which one works with your lifestyle.

What was the purpose of marriage vows when they really isn't a marriage. There is no fidelity or respect here

Now if you want to FIX this, one option would be to create a new arrangement. Renew your vows, swear never to have sex with people outside the marriage again, assert that you will be focused on building a solid relationship, and to focus on the children.

If you can both do that, you can right the ship. If you can't, you will end up divorced at best, and having your kids taken from you by protective services at worst


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I mean, you could be sexual partners and co-parent your children without being officially married. That way you each may feel more freedom and less accountable to each other. 

Someone asked how many partners you've engaged with in the cuckhold lifestyle. Is this something you do very regularly, or just once in awhile?


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

This may sound nit-picky, but yours does not sound like a cuckold relationship, it is more voyeuristic. Your husband gets off seeing pictures of you having sex with other men, and he gets off acting like a pimp. Cuckolding is more when the woman takes a dominant role and her husband a submissive one. She has sex with other men ("bulls", right? Men who are generally well-endowed and olympian level at keeping it going) and uses it to humiliate her **** husband, who gets off on being humiliated. 

But there are some things that aren't clear to me. To me, this sort of relationship works only you having sex with other men makes him love you more, and vice versa. But it doesn't sound that way. When you have sex with other men do you feel closer to your husband, do you love him more? It just sounds like you experimented to see what it was like. So what gets him off, the sight of you with other men? Being humiliated? Pimping you? All of the above? 

And what about you? Do you like having sex with other men? Do you prefer it? Do you want more of it?

The problem I see here is that when you go down this road, you don't know which emotions are going to come into play and they may spiral out of control. It sounds to me like this is what happened with your husband. After playing at being pimp and cuckold, he got it into his head to go one step further on his own. Verbal agreements cease to matter in these circumstances. Matter of fact, breaking them might be another turn-on for him. One set of rules has already been broken by you and him, and he went and broke another set. That's not to justify anything, it's more of a 'genie out of the bottle' thing.

Living out your fantasies often times ends badly.


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Once flood waters get into a foundation, it quickly erodes and fails.
> 
> From the beginning, both of your sexual cravings and emotions flooded out your (courting) and marriage bond.
> 
> ...


I mean that's a lot of assumptions, I don't even know what to address first. I'll say you're about 70% off the mark though. Although I do appreciate your insight from the outside looking in!


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## Needingadvice333 (Feb 28, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Thank you. I will look it up. For those who lead heteronormative relationships, I can tell they are judging me on a level which doesn't really help my situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who can sort of understand where we are coming from. Thank you for that


So basically, you don’t want to hear any input from anyone who might suggest that your hotwife/cuckold lifestyle might be problematic. You don’t want to consider any possible link between your lifestyle and current marital problems...

Here’s the reality:
You are engaging in a lifestyle that destroys the vast majority of marriages that engage in it, so understand that you are playing with fire. Understand that most men don’t respect cuckolds and most women don’t respect cuckold men. And that’s not said with any animosity and your not being “shamed.”

When you come here (or anywhere similar for that matter) you’re going to get different perspectives, and that’s a good thing. Take what’s useful and leave the rest. But don’t whine about being judged or shamed because people point out the obvious issues with successfully incorporating behaviors so antithetical to marriage/family into your marriage/family.

You do you. You can live however you want, but don’t expect the world to pat you on the head and tell you it’s a healthy thing.
[/QUOTE]
Absolutely, I've said many times, I have received some really good feedback, and I appreciate the community!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I believe I have a good ear for genders.
That gender stratification, its separation, one from the other, their aims and their patterns of speech.

Yours, yet, gives me pause.

I can be amazed, even amused, ah, rarely buffaloed.

Just a thought.


_King Brian-_


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Once flood waters get into a foundation, it quickly erodes and fails.
> 
> From the beginning, both of your sexual cravings and emotions flooded out your (courting) and marriage bond.
> 
> ...


I agree with SunC here and I realized I missed this aspect in my post. Fantasies are so often driven by a sadomasochistic element and SM can often times be the core. That's the dark side that few are brave enough to stare in the face.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PreRaph said:


> I agree with SunC here and I realized I missed this aspect in my post. Fantasies are so often driven by a sadomasochistic element and SM can often times be the core. That's the dark side that few are brave enough to stare in the face.




More the masochist label for the cuckold.

The sadist element is _not always_ present.

With one enjoying the other, who is enjoining pleasurably, their loins, with another, not them.
Phew! Lotta words!

Feasting with their eyes, or with their imagination, when the sexual encounter is verbally regurgitated later, back to them.

In a nutshell, ah, a cuk-shell.


_The Typist-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I will be glad when this Winter breaks free, Spring arrives, and the Wuhan Virus drops, dead away.

I need to get far and away from this damn keyboard!!!!!

Really.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

PreRaph said:


> I agree with SunC here and I realized I missed this aspect in my post. Fantasies are so often driven by a sadomasochistic element and SM can often times be the core. That's the dark side that few are brave enough to stare in the face.


Or mad enough to stare in the face.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> I don't understand what





Needingadvice333 said:


> I can tell they are judging me on a level which doesn't really help my situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who can sort of understand where we are coming from. Thank you for that


I may be misconstruing the statement of your problem. My perception is that you have a problem with him messing around with strippers without your prior knowledge and approval. Am I wrong? Beyond that, there is no real "mystery" to the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle ( I tend to believe your old man is a hotwifer rather than a ****). Its a form of excitement that some enjoy and tying it to evolution or giving it a science, sperm competition, spin is overly complicating the issue ( and is probably done to give sophistication and modernistic flare to those who participate). Simply put, people enjoy watching other people f--k, and nothing can be as up close and personal,-- from a man's perspective, -- as watching your wife put on a live porn show for his entertainment, hence voyeuristic quality on steroids.
Since your husband puts little real importance in you being mono, its hard to believe he'd put any more impotence in him being mono.
Based on his actions, its obvious he's doesn't have the same perspective of the requirements of y'all's "arraignment" as you do. I expect as you drill down on your marital issues you're going to discover a little more than, "lack of communication and lying behind my back". 
Here's the thing Needing. If either one of you are wanting a spouse who puts a premium on monogamy and faithfulness, both of you are married to the wrong person.

.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Needingadvice333 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30.
> Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.
> 
> Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.
> ...


Ok. So I haven't read the rest of this, just your OP.

If you two have a chance of getting through this together, you both have to stop ****ing other people.

When you cheated, he seems to have taken that as an opportunity to open your marriage but didn't let on that he would be getting some on the side as well.

I do fault him for not being truthful with you and this lifestyle came as a result of your infidelity and him taking advantage of it.

My advice is to stop immediately and don't look back.

You will both have to set boundaries that can be verified by both of you for a long time as well as working on good communication and monogamous relationship building skills.

If you both want to, you can make this work but you both have to alter your behavior.

Non monogamy ain't working for ya.

Hopefully you are upset about the deceit and not the fact that he got to play around too?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Needingadvice333 said:


> Thank you. I will look it up. For those who lead heteronormative relationships, I can tell they are judging me on a level which doesn't really help my situation. I'm looking for advice from someone who can sort of understand where we are coming from. Thank you for that


Some are indeed. Their instant reaction to anything outside of "tradition" is that that is what is wrong and not doing what they do will fail every time. However, not all are, even being in heteronormative relationships. Their intent is to point out where other similar situations have imploded, and provide warning of potential. Make sure to take time to figure out who is who, as it is not always obvious first flush. That said, there are those of us who are lifestyle, even if we don't engage in a particular kink. We are the most likely to know where the resources specific to people like us are.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> I may be misconstruing the statement of your problem. My perception is that you have a problem with him messing around with strippers without your prior knowledge and approval. Am I wrong? Beyond that, there is no real "mystery" to the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle ( I tend to believe your old man is a hotwifer rather than a ****). Its a form of excitement that some enjoy and tying it to evolution or giving it a science, sperm competition, spin is overly complicating the issue ( and is probably done to give sophistication and modernistic flare to those who participate). Simply put, people enjoy watching other people f--k, and nothing can be as up close and personal,-- from a man's perspective, -- as watching your wife put on a live porn show for his entertainment, hence voyeuristic quality on steroids.
> Since your husband puts little real importance in you being mono, its hard to believe he'd put any more impotence in him being mono.
> Based on his actions, its obvious he's doesn't have the same perspective of the requirements of y'all's "arraignment" as you do. I expect as you drill down on your marital issues you're going to discover a little more than, "lack of communication and lying behind my back".
> Here's the thing Needing. If either one of you are wanting a spouse who puts a premium on monogamy and faithfulness, both of you are married to the wrong person.


Monogamy, or lack thereof isn't the issue in this case. It's the not informing her when he stepped outside. I've noted often enough here our poly and open natures in our marriage, but there would be a row is any of us got into an intimate relationship without informing the others. Her problem is his non-ethical actions within their ENM context. 

On a technical note, he can be both a hotwifer and a ****, if they are doing the cuckold on a more kink basis than a lifestyle basis, since the denial will only be for the period of the session.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Needingadvice333 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I'm 28, he's 30.
> Been married for 3 years, I'm pregnant with baby #2.
> 
> Backstory: In the first few years of our relationship, I moved out of province to nanny for a family and got lonely. I slept with a guy I met online.
> ...


So here's the thing you need to address what your husband did in the same way one would address in a traditionally monogamous relationship. My wife and I went through a few years in the swinging lifestyle, my wife leaning bisexual we only ever played with other women and our rule was only together. You say you had black and white boundaries and he broke them, so that is the same thing as some one in a traditionally monogamous marriage cheating. 

I think your biggest problem was you entrance to the lifestyle was born out of your cheating, in my experience that rarely leads to a successful experience in the lifestyle I can't think of any example where it has to be honest. We have met many many people in the lifestyle and were lucky to meet some great very experienced couples early on before we ever played with any women and got a lot of great advice about setting boundaries and over communicating. 

Now can you ever trust him again, that is a difficult question to answer, but my best answer is, it depends. I think he never really recovered from your cheating, his enjoyment of hotwife or cuckold scenarios may stem from his failure to completely process and get over that. Sidebar, is it hotwife or cuckold he's into, theres a sizable difference in the two really, I'm thinking he is more into hotwife lifestyle than cuckold as I didn't take anything to say he wanted to be humiliated as part of the fantasy. As another poster pointed out he might have drifted towards the fantasy as a way to take back control of the betrayal. If this is the case then basically going back to basics and spending a lot of time on working through that together may allow you to both regain trust again. What you might find is that the original wound may need to be reopened and you might find out he was never really OK with you being a hotwife and as a result he went into a mental tailspin the landed him where he ended up. That does not excuse his behavior at all just that the experience in the lifestyle may have added to his pain even though he might have been saying he was into it. I think the main problem you had is it sounds like from the beginning when you were with these men you were on your own. The problem there is from what I have seen and read here a big part of the trauma people suffer with cheating spouses is the wondering exactly what happened, what you acted like, how enthusiastic were you etc. Well that part of the trauma might have been added to by the lifestyle and how you approached it. So for you to be able to trust him again you need to process his infidelity how you would any normal infidelity and work on making sure he has properly processed yours. From what the experienced people around here say it can take many many years to fully recover and you might never get to 100% trust. 

So with all that being said, I do agree his betrayal looks worse on paper. So you are both going to have to do a lot of work to repair this. Under no circumstances can you continue in the lifestyle until all of this is totally, completely 150% resolved. And once it is I think you need to have a long waiting period before even beginning to consider re-entrance. Basically consider it over at this point. 

My recommendation for you now is to take a breath, and focus on you health and preparing for your baby. Tell your husband he is not allowed out of your site until you two are in a place to begin working on this, you're not going to have time to properly deal with this for a few months.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> On a technical note, he can be both a hotwifer and a ****, if they are doing the cuckold on a more kink basis than a lifestyle basis, since the denial will only be for the period of the session.


Hey, I'm not knocking the lifestyle they choose. There a plenty of couples into it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Hey, I'm not knocking the lifestyle they choose. There a plenty of couples into it.


Didn't think you were, and apologies if it came across that way. I was attempting to clear up what seem to be some misconceptions. That was all.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

With all due respect I can’t wrap my head around this kind of behavior at all. I can’t for a second imagine liking seeing my partner with someone else. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> With all due respect I can’t wrap my head around this kind of behavior at all. I can’t for a second imagine liking seeing my partner with someone else. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Exactly.

The moment this happens (he, she) went from being your partner to that of a shared partner.

The term exclusive has a decided meaning.

Being inclusive, has that undecided feeling

From the get-go, to likely, that one-day gone dread.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

With some, lust becomes a must, becomes the action that busts, wide open a marriage.

Yes, some married folks like extra hands in the bedroom.

Those extra hands have their own demands, and they often divide and conquer loyalties.

What feels good does not always end good.
Again, for most.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You both ****ed is and are broken people.

I feel bad for your kids. What a messed up life awaits them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Needingadvice333 said:


> To answer your question yes, I did expect to have a _healthy_ relationship. Normal? By whose standards. Every relationship is extremely unique and what works with one couple will not work with the other. With regards to the subtle Kink shaming regarding my husband's enjoyment in cuckold, or me sleeping with others, yes I can still look at him and respect him. That does not bear any weight on my wanting to be with him.
> 
> the issue I am having in my marriage right now is the fact that he went behind my back and crossed boundaries that we had talked about, set and both agreed to.


What boundaries? 

The one that states you can sleep with others but he can’t?

Or did you just have to know about it?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Who’s the father or did you stop f’n others before you came off BC?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Torninhalf said:


> With all due respect I can’t wrap my head around this kind of behavior at all. I can’t for a second imagine liking seeing my partner with someone else. 🤷🏼‍♀️


I’m not into this stuff but if there is one thing I have learned in my time at TAM it is that it’s different strokes for different folks. I’m your typical conservative type but hey ... I guess their choice is on them...... blow them up if it may.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Who would have thought that this would have happened?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ABHale said:


> The one that states you can sleep with others but he can’t?


Its not an uncommon practice among hotwifers where the wife can sleep with others but the husband must remain faithful.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

To the OP:

I hate to say this, but you brought this upon yourself. Your husband apparently has never forgiven you. Maybe you've made him accept the **** lifestyle and all this time he's been against it. 

When you had your affair, in my opinion, you destroyed all respect your husband had for you. He doesn't see anything wrong doing his own thing now. Now that its being played against you, you're upset. 

My opinion.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Question i have is who's kids are they. Have you done a DNA test to verify if either are your husband's children?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The question is: will you be able to trust your husband ever again? If the answer is "no", then you know what to do, unfortunately.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Agree with In Absentia ^. OP has he stopped ****ing strippers? 

"when I was pregnant with baby #1, I find out he frequented strip clubs and paid strippers for blow jobs and sex."

Has he held off from this during your current pregnancy? 

I would think stripper sex would be something he could hide from you if he and the strippers didn't get emotionally involved. I'm sorry to say this to a 9 month pregnant woman, trusting this guy to fly right in your marriage, oh boy. Be very careful about trusting this man not to cheat on you.

Good luck with your birth and best of health for you and your baby.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She calls it an open relationship but is saying she is the only one allowed to step out. I don’t understand the rules that they have for doing what they do.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ABHale said:


> She calls it an open relationship but is saying she is the only one allowed to step out. I don’t understand the rules that they have for doing what they do.


Where do you get that? Quote the words. The only thing she is upset about is that he did it behind her back. With the exception of the first incident, her "stepping outs" have been with his knowledge and approval, and even encouragement. There is nothing in her wording to say that he's not allowed to "step out" as well.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Where do you get that? Quote the words. The only thing she is upset about is that he did it behind her back. With the exception of the first incident, her "stepping outs" have been with his knowledge and approval, and even encouragement. There is nothing in her wording to say that he's not allowed to "step out" as well.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


What you are saying is true. It doesn’t mean we have the rules that they settled on. All we have is her side of it. Her side of it sounds like a CO or HW, not an open relationship.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ABHale said:


> What you are saying is true. It doesn’t mean we have the rules that they settled on. All we have is her side of it. Her side of it sounds like a CO or HW, not an open relationship.


Assuming CO is cuckold, by default CO and HW are open relationship. Open relationship usually refers to having sex outside a relationship. Swinging would be a specific type of open relationship as would HW.

And for the record, I'm not dismissing the possibility that the OP is not giving us a full or even correct accounting. But since she is the only source we can only go by her words.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

I don't think it matters as it looks to me like the OP has stopped posting here. She said she was 9 months pregnant so I imagine she has other concerns atm. 

The kind of sexual adventurism that she and her husband engaged it is a touchy subject to say the least, and that was very apparent in the replies. But like it or not, there are plenty of people out there that do it in some form or another, and it's not our place to rake them over the moral coals. Nothing is stranger than sex among humans. We do it for intimacy and emotional satisfaction, yes, but we do it most of all for pleasure. And however you get it, you get it as long as the lines you cross don't cause real harm. 

There's really not much else to say. She and her husband are going to have to figure this out in the midst of caring for an infant. I wish them luck.


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