# My wife is considering separation/divorce



## Lafayette (Apr 23, 2013)

Hello, everyone. I was doing a search for something that will give me hope, or at least ease the anxiety so I can focus on daily life. I came across this forum and decided to join.

I'm sure my situation isn't unique, so I'll get right to the current issue. My wife has been falling out of love with me over the last 3 years. I lived everyday trying to do the things that would make my wife happy. Unfortunately, I didn't understand what she really needed, and she couldn't tell me. So years of miscommunication, or lack of communication, lead to her losing intimate feelings for me. She claims to still love and care for me. She finally told me how she felt in December. We started counseling together in February. It started great, but it took time to get to the core issues. Combine that with the fact that this situation was new to me, I didn't handle it the best. I was trying too hard to make it work. Mostly out of fear and panic. It took me a few months to finally realize what I needed to do, and what my wife needed me to be to make this work.

Unfortunately, I had my break through at the exact time she was trying to figure out how to tell me she couldn't do this anymore. While there were more good days than bad days in the past few months, the bad days carried more weight with her. Each time convinced her more and more that it couldn't work. She finally felt she couldn't do it anymore but was trying figure out how to tell me. I did not know this and before she could tell me, everything became clear. I let go of any resentment caused by this situation, and finally realized I could be everything she needed. I wanted to do it. I didn't have to change, I just had to be myself. I had stopped being myself. I knew this and wasn't happy about it either, but I didn't realize how much it had affected our marriage. She needed me to be myself, the person she fell in love with. Once I realized this, it all felt so clear.

This confused the hell out of her, and it took her a few days to tell me. She had one foot out the door, and then I finally show up (as she described it). I'm hoping its better late than never, but she's been struggling with it for the last week or so. She just doesn't feel like her feelings can come back. I believe they can with time, and I let her know I'll wait as long as it takes. She doesn't know how long she can wait. She's scared to let me back in when she finally concluded she wasn't going to. She's scared of taking a chance, and taking the time, to let me back in only for it not to work. Because if she stays and it doesn't work, she has to go through all the pain again of getting to the point of accepting its over. Her mother left when she was 3 and never made an effort to be a part of her life. Her step Mom treated her poorly, and she felt like her Dad didn't always step in when he could have. She learned to keep her feelings in and not cause trouble. As a result, she built big/strong walls around her heart. She let me in those walls, and I let her down. Fair or not, I am taking the brunt of everyone who has let her down in her life. Those that she truly cared about. This is why its so hard for her to believe I can be there for her. To let me back inside those walls.

My question is how do I get through every day? Right now its heart wrenching every day knowing she could say its over. We have two kids, 9 and 5. We do everything together with them. We are a very close family. The thought of that ending hurts me just as much as losing my wife. She is my best friend. Its especially difficult because we are just to the point of really understanding how to make it work. We are so close to being on the mend. All I need her to do is give it time. I feel so helpless and thats its all in her hands. It takes every part of me to give her space right now and not pressure her. What is the best thing for me to do right now? I'm trying to positive, and I relay that to her. She says that makes it harder because she doesn't feel positive right now. That its just another example of how disconnected we are. If I act negative, its definitely over. If I act like nothing is going on, it looks like I don't care. So I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?


----------



## Adam801 (Apr 21, 2013)

Take a deep breath. Don't worry about the day to day or week to week. Change takes time, months years. Look for small improvements, not perfection.

It's easy to fall out of romantic love. It's also posable to still love someone but not want to be romantic. You love your family, friends etc. all on different levels. I don't know that I'd say I still love my past partners, but I'll also be concerned for their wellbeing. I know I'll always love my wife even if we don't stay together. 

While you've been a bit vague, it sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction. You have a very fragile relationship but with time your be stronger. 

I sympathize with her anxiety. I'm at the same point with my wife. I'd work on being friends. Avoid deep conversations about your relationship. Keep things simple. Ask "how can I make your day better" no "We set a goal to do xyz before our next therapy session…" Treat it like a new friendship. 

To me it sounds like you both need a way to blow off your frustration/pain in a healthy way apart from one another. Dump on, and get support from good friends. Don't put too much pressure on one another. With time you'll grow together and be emotionally more apt to deal with bigger issues.


----------



## Lafayette (Apr 23, 2013)

Thanks for the reply and advice. The hardest part for me is taking it one day at a time when I don't know if she'll call it quits tomorrow. I believe her when she says she wants it to work, she just doesn't know if she can try anymore. She does not want our marriage to end for a number of reasons, but she is starting to feel like she needs to move on to start the healing process.

I am confident if she commits to making it work, we can have a happy marriage. Thats what makes this so difficult right now. She has lost hope. Its her call one way or another. If she commits to making it work, I am confident I learned from my mistakes and I can do the things she needs. But she could also decide tomorrow that its just too overwhelming to try. I feel like she believes I have changed. She just doesn't believe her feelings can come back.

This has only been out in the open for 5 months. It took until 2 weeks ago to really learn what the real issues were. So it seems quick to give up to me. For her, she's been trying to deal with this on her own for 3 years. She understands its not fair that she only told me recently, but that doesn't change the fact that she had been falling out of love for 3 years. That is why it feels too late for her. I think she was hoping her feelings would come back sooner with the help of counseling. When they didn't, she feels there is no hope.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Go and get a therapist right away. When you choose a place tell them you want the oldest most experienced person.

My wife called it quits for the second time last Friday.. and I'll tell you. I am so glad I am in therapy. He is keeping me focused on me.. just like you need to do.

If she is gonna check out.. let her..

trust me.. get professional help .. NOW...

Go to the last few pages of my thread and look at the updates I put from my therapist.


----------

