# Advice



## Daisy1984 (Nov 24, 2016)

Hi there,

I am married for 1.5 years, we have a 7 year old (from my previous relationship) and a 4.5 month baby as well. 

I've been with my husband for 4 years now and we have a pretty good relationship/marriage. 

My husband is a hunter and I never stopped him from going hunting (includes a 1 week hunting trip 9 hours away) even when our baby was only 2 months young. I don't stop him from doing what he loves.

One of his coworker that he knows for over 10 years (I think) recently got divorced (separated). They have similar jobs and work very closely. Lately, during work functions/dinner, my husband would stay behind with his friend after everyone, including his boss leaves the work function. Their boss lives out of town and when their boss is in town, they would always go out for dinner. 

I'd say the latest he had come home was a bit past midnight. I know that if his friend is still married, his friend wouldn't have stayed that late and my husband would be coming home way earlier than midnight. I was upset that night and we talked l about it the next day and he said he will not stay that late and will come home on a decent time.

I understand that his friend is going through a big change in his life. Both his friend and soon to be ex-wife wanted the divorce. 

Last night, my husband told me that they have a work function/dinner next Thursday. He quickly mentioned that the work function/dinner will run late. And that his friend has bought a truck camper (the one that atraced on the cab of a truck). And they were discussing that my he will just crash in his truck camper so it's easier for him in the morning to go to work, meaning they will sleep at the parking lot where they had dinner and where the truck is parked.

That being said, my husband won't be coming home.

My husband always makes good choices. 

But my husband crashing into his newly divorced friend's truck camper after a work function so that my husband has an "easier" time to go to work the next morning, I don't think is a good choice. 

My husband saw how I reacted to it. Just from my facial expression, I think he got that I disapprove of it and he quickly said, "Are you jealous? You're a bit controlling." Jokingly...

I didn't think it would affect me, but I felt hurt, not angry. 

I simply told him, "You should always come home. Why do you feel the need to sleep at someone else's space when you can take a cab home? Not unless it is impossible for you to come home and have tried all possible ways to come home."

I couldn't sleep and felt crying. 

Am I overreacting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Are you sure that he is hanging out with a man? If so could he being having a relationship with the man?

It all sounds very weird to me, if he is indeed staying late nights with a male.

I don't know your husband but something sounds fishy, are you ever invited to these so called work functions? If not why?

Have you met this guy?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What always amazes me is seeing a 27 lb. toddler defy a 230 lb father, yelling and swinging at {his poppa}.

Toddlers do this.

They know no fear. They know no boundaries. When this baby is the first, the parents fret and get upset.

When the angry toddler is the second [one] they laugh and brush it off.

When the toddler is a 30+ year old man, there is no parent to pick him up, smile and put him to bed.

He is too young to be having a second childhood. That comes when Mr. Senility does the mind meld with dear Dad.

Is this mid-life crisis? Sounds like it.

Immature behavior. If this is "the extent" of his immaturity, then deal with this [instance] with grace. If this is repetitive [big belly laugh] behavior.....stick a fork in it. Tell him No Mas.

Offer to come pick him up after the party, MOM....... OK, Mom? Sheesh!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are not overacting... it sounds like your husband is not just a hunter, but a fisherman as well.

Fishing for boundaries...

Time to let him know what your limit is...


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, married ongoing 37 years (first marriage for the both of us), neither one of us has cheated, & a career woman. Stop this behavior of your husband's. Show and talk about your dissapproval. I do not recommend married people, hanging out with soon to be single or single individuals in overnight socials. He has a responsibility to come home at a decent hour.

Sorry you are here. Don't be a doormat. I hope that he'll see the error in his ways. Keep posting. You will get good advice at TAM.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Daisy1984 said:


> Am I overreacting?


No.


I read your post feeling _grrrr_ .....then thought of our friends, another couple with a baby. Wife and baby away visiting family, we invited husband to ours for dinner and to stay as we live quite far away. Made a night of it with a few other friends. Perhaps naively on my part, I anticipated he'd be missing his wife and baby. Of course he adores them! But he was loving the time to himself and letting his hair down. Upon arrival and seeing the guest room, he exhaled and commented how much he appreciated being in a clean home. His wine was flowing and saying how much he loved (temporarily) not having responsibility until we called it a night about 2am; him saying what a great night he'd had. He'll be back to reality of responsibilities again soon. 

It sounds like you have been understanding with your husband going on his hunting trip. He may be feeling an 'escape' of responsibilities with divorced friend but that's not being a team to your family. And not coming home would not be acceptable to me in our marriage. He needs to wise up and be the man by your side. If divorced guy was a friend, he wouldn't be encouraging him to stay out with a young family at home - of course your husband is responsible for himself. What did he say when you said he ought to take a cab home?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

First of all, a married man with a 4 month old baby at home should be home at a reasonable hour and not drinking so much that he cannot get home.

Sounds like his newly divorced friend is giving him an excuse to (1) party like a frat boy or (2) go out and pick up one night stands. Wonder what's really going on in that truck?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are not over reacting. Married people dont do things like this, you just dont. He really needs to set some boundaries with his soon to be single friend. If the guy wants to party a few times a week, he needs to find friends that are a better fit to do that. You husband needs to be home with his wife and baby. More than once or twice a month is excessive.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nah this is bull5hit and your spider-sense is rightfully tingling. Better get to the bottom of it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is just using the divorced guy as an excuse, he is doing exactly what he wants to do. Absolute BS him having a "work function" that's going on so late he has to sleep in a camper. Good gosh who would ever believe that? He's either hooking up with someone or he out getting **** faced drunk or drugging. 

A real man would WANT to be home with his wife and infant, your husband is looking for ways to stay away from home. OP don't let him turn this around on you and make you feel guilty, his ass needs to be home where it belongs taking care of his family, if he chooses not to be then what's the point of having a husband?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Daisy1984 said:


> Last night, my husband told me that they have a work function/dinner next Thursday. He quickly mentioned that the work function/dinner will run late. And that his friend has bought a truck camper (the one that atraced on the cab of a truck). And they were discussing that my he will just crash in his truck camper so it's easier for him in the morning to go to work, meaning they will sleep at the parking lot where they had dinner and where the truck is parked.
> 
> That being said, my husband won't be coming home.
> 
> ...


Ok, without knowing exactly how much time he's spending with this friend, he should always come home and always at a decent hour. He has a family and that should be his first priority. It's really strange that he wants to spend the night in a truck with his friend. I'd be suspicious if I were you. It's possible that he's not spending his time with this friend. This friend could be a cover up? It's also possible his relationship with this friend is more than just friends. I don't want you to get paranoid but it's something that you need to consider. First, I'd be doing some snooping if I were you. Then if all checks out, lay down some boundaries.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You are not over-reacting. This is inappropriate behavior and needs to stop.

You've given this man too much slack. No married man should leave a wife with a 2 months old and go on a week long hunting trip. Your husband needs to grow up.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This has to be the worlds worst excuse ever given to a wife for a married man to spend the night with an affair partner.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

It's bad enough for all the reasons given by others but it could be much worse.

Have you ever met this coworker, can you be certain it's a true story and nothing more than an excuse for him to be with someone else?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're not overreacting, but you are also contributing to the problem by allowing it to happen. If my H started going out at night and not coming home, he would come home to new locks on the door, and him on the outside.


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## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

Just an update. We worked it out and he will go out once a month and come home at a decent time. He will not have any sleepovers at his coworkers truck camper. He will come home every night. 

Tonight was one of his work functions, tomorrow is the 2nd one. And he did come home at 11 pm but he was unhappy. He felt that he did not get his freedom. He did not have fun like the usual as he likes to be the last person standing and he likes to drink at his work functions. 
He was proposing that he should be able to have fun once a month and be able to come home late , 1 am (he mentioned). 
I feel like this is going to be mandatory for him and needs to be. Why? I don't exactly know why. I am starting to get really paranoid and think this once a month fun, party thing involves more than just drinking with his friends ... ? Ugh. Back to square 1! 

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


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## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

Ooops, I forgot to mention.. I forgot my password so I had to re-register again, hence the new username...

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jasmine1984 said:


> Just an update. We worked it out and he will go out once a month and come home at a decent time. He will not have any sleepovers at his coworkers truck camper. He will come home every night.
> 
> Tonight was one of his work functions, tomorrow is the 2nd one.* And he did come home at 11 pm but he was unhappy. He felt that he did not get his freedom. *He did not have fun like the usual as he likes to be the last person standing and he likes to drink at his work functions.
> He was proposing that he should be able to have fun once a month and be able to come home late , 1 am (he mentioned).
> I feel like this is going to be mandatory for him and needs to be. Why? I don't exactly know why. I am starting to get really paranoid and think this once a month fun, party thing involves more than just drinking with his friends ... ? Ugh. Back to square 1!


He wants to be single but he wants you taking care of him like his mom did. Set him free. I will bet you money this 'agreement' will not last; by New Year's Eve he will be blaming YOU for it and screaming every name in the world at you and telling you that you are the devil's spawn and you've ruined his life. He will try to 'anger' you back into submission so that you give up this 'stupid' agreement he only agreed to to shut you up but now he doesn't care anymore, he can't live like this.

This is what you will hear by the end of the month. Prepare yourself. How? By practicing this: "You are free to leave any time you want. If you want to live here, you will abide by the rule; it's your choice." 

_And nothing else._


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## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

turnera said:


> He wants to be single but he wants you taking care of him like his mom did. Set him free. I will bet you money this 'agreement' will not last; by New Year's Eve he will be blaming YOU for it and screaming every name in the world at you and telling you that you are the devil's spawn and you've ruined his life. He will try to 'anger' you back into submission so that you give up this 'stupid' agreement he only agreed to to shut you up but now he doesn't care anymore, he can't live like this.
> 
> This is what you will hear by the end of the month. Prepare yourself. How? By practicing this: "You are free to leave any time you want. If you want to live here, you will abide by the rule; it's your choice."
> 
> _And nothing else._


The agreement is already changing. Like what he said last night he wants to stay out later that what was already discussed and agreed upon. I told him that I don't feel comfortable of him asking permission from me. I don't like it. I think if he wants to go out, he needs to tell me (for schedule purposes like family gatherings etc...) and it's up to him if he wants to stay out late. 
But I told him how I feel about it. He knows what I think about it. I think that him going out late like that should wait until the baby is a bit older. He will have lots of time to do that. It's just the first year of having a baby, those things usually gets put on hold. 
He just told me that he will be home at 11 pm tonight. I think I'm just being paranoid. I think it is just a work function and nothing else. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop discussing it. Every time he goes out and isn't home by 11, lock the bedroom door and go to bed.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I join in concurring with the "not-over-reacting" crowd!

A married father to an infant definitely has priorities and those priorities are not to some soon-to-be-divorced buddy!

It is preeminently to both his wife and their child!*


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## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

I will ask him later if there's someone else and why the need all of a sudden for a night out until late when he didn't need one before. 

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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm sorry but in general terms- what does he do for work that there are monthly mandatory functions that last until 1:00 am and everyone drinks and gets sh!t-faced?

I understand an annual holiday party. I don't understand this.

Here's a message for your husband: Time to man up and grow the f--- up. You can tell him I said so and invite him here, will be happy to deliver the message directly.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jasmine1984 said:


> I will ask him later if there's someone else and why the need all of a sudden for a night out until late when he didn't need one before.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


This is a bad idea. If there is someone else, he won't admit to it and it will just drive him to cover it up more, assuming something is going on. Best to research and verify on your own.

This assumes something is going on. I have a feeling it is him still wanting to be a single frat boy partying up all night every night. See above on my message for that.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

What exactly are all of these "work functions"? I've never heard of so many before and think it's weird. Are you sure that these are truly work functions? It could be that he's calling them that but they're just outings with his friends? 

I still think you need to snoop around. And asking him isn't going to get you a straight answer if he is doing something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jasmine1984 said:


> I will ask him later if there's someone else and why the need all of a sudden for a night out until late when he didn't need one before.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


Don't do that. That's weak and needy. Show self respect but also concern for your partner. If anything, ask him how he's feeling now that a baby's here - is he feeling like he's losing out on his youth or something? Are his friends making him feel dumb for being married with kids? What's going on?

But that issue is separate from the disrespect he's showing you as his wife. For that, you must simply say "I can't tell you what to do; I can only tell you what I will do if you do something that hurts me. If you choose to start going out like a single man, I'll consider that you now want to be single, and I'll go see a lawyer. But if you want to stay married, we'll have to talk about what that looks like."

Do you see the difference? If you just go "who are you cheating on me with?" he will immediately become angry and defensive and NOT want to work with you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> What exactly are all of these "work functions"? I've never heard of so many before and think it's weird. Are you sure that these are truly work functions? It could be that he's calling them that but they're just outings with his friends?
> 
> I still think you need to snoop around. And asking him isn't going to get you a straight answer if he is doing something.


It wouldn't be uncommon in, say, marketing and advertising... and some of the shenanigans that can occur wouldn't be aligned to being a family man.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> But that issue is separate from the disrespect he's showing you as his wife. For that, you must simply say "I can't tell you what to do; I can only tell you what I will do if you do something that hurts me. If you choose to start going out like a single man, I'll consider that you now want to be single, and I'll go see a lawyer. But if you want to stay married, we'll have to talk about what that looks like."


SOLID advice.

Preferably delivered calmly.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

Daisy1984 said:


> Am I overreacting?


IMO, you are UNDER-REACTING and this is a very bad situation for you children! If he isn't willing to be a responsible parent, get rid of him and find a better dad for your kids - ASAP! Your relationship is gradually dying due to very bad communications and a serious lack of friendship and respect which is going to have a harmful effect on your kids!


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