# Update from Thorburn



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Been away for a while. This stuff was getting to me and I had to regroup.

I wrote a lot and deleted it.

My WS is making progress. Not like I want but she is doing fairly well.

As far as me. I could write a book. Three weeks ago I was eating peanut butter off a knife for supper. I was at the point where I was literally going to be living in my truck and had $200 to my name. Having to pay for rent, pay for my wife's chemo because we lost the grant that was paying for it, my wife's chemo is $6,000 every 8 weeks for the rest of her life and I have great insurance but it does not cover it all, and all the added expenses of me living in another city during the week, wiped out my finances. We had thousands of dollars worth of bills that we could not pay. I was literally ready to eat a bullet and end it all.

August 1st I came into some money. I am not ready to explain it but I at my weakest moment, when I was ready to end it all, God came through. I am a Christian and do not wish to preach or come across to those who do not share my beliefs as special or start a debate on the validity of Christianity, God, the bible, etc. All I want to share is that I was at the end of my rope. And everything fell into place. We got another grant for my wife's chemo, I received a huge amount of money and we were able to pay off all our bills in time for it not to affect my credit rating, I found a very cheap apartment with great roommates. Our lender for our home loan lowered our interest rate and eliminated most of our closing costs when we finally do settle on a house all due to my military service. I have money in the bank and paid for two vacations, one for the Bahamas and one for Cancun. I am being reimbursed for every medical bill I had in the past two years and all my medical care will be free for the rest of my life. My income has increased significantly and I will be getting another promotion or perhaps two within the next year.

My wife is finally coming around. I do not think she has cheated on me since November 29th 2011, but she has not been completely honest and until that happens I cannot comfortable move forward. It got fairly nasty with my wife in the past several months but in the end it turned out positive and that is all that I wanted. If she continues this trend then we will see a very positive result as far as our marriage.

Right now I am hoping we can settle on a second home so we can be together at the end of the day. 

I do love my wife though there are days when I am just ready to move forward with my life.

I am positive.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Thoburn, that is great news!

It's great to see you snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

Stay positive.


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## wrsteele1 (May 29, 2012)

Wow, whatever happens with you and your wife reading your story I'm really happy for you that you got good news on the job and financial front. That has to be weight off your shoulders.

I remember the lucky breaks I got at my weakest moments and they always make me think about that poem about footprints in the sand.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Been away for a while. This stuff was getting to me and I had to regroup.
> 
> I wrote a lot and deleted it.
> 
> ...


I'm not familiar with your story, Thorburn, but I am familiar with medical and financial hardships, marriage in distress, and being overwhelmed with the feeling that I did not want to wake up in the morning. I just wanted to say that I am so happy that, by the grace of God, that things in your life are now going in a more positive direction. I hope that they only continue to get better from here on out! 

Thank you for sharing your update. 

Take Care,
EI


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Thoburn, that is great news!
> 
> It's great to see you snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
> 
> Stay positive.


thanks Count. I just about lost it. I know better and am trying to stay above it. It wore me out and I am not out of the woods but it is a hell of a lot better now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Such very uplifting news , so glad to read it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Good for you! I had been wondering what had happened to you. So much has happened to you, and it looked like your faith was wavering there.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thorburn:

I am so glad to hear that. 

Congrats on the promotion, too.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thank God youre ok! I have asked about you several times with other posters. Dont do that to us! just disappear like that- Ill put my boot in your a$$.

Glad its all working out. Welcome back.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Stay Strong brother.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dude!! glad you sound better


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The last major episode we had was with her sister. My wife decided at the death of our brother in law to reconsile with her sister. My brother in law up till September 2008 consider me his best friend. My wife and her older middle sister had a fight the day I deployed to go to Iraq. It was nasty for 3 1/2 years between them and I wrongly supported my wife. I lost my friendship with my brother in law over this. when I got home from Iraq I wanted to make amends with him and had NASCAR tickets (he loved NASCAR and I hated it), had a flag I flew in Iraq to give him. My wife told me to hold off on doing anything until I saw how things were. Dumb me listened to her and yes they were cold to me but under the circumstances I now see why. Anyway I threw the tickets away and kept the flag. My BIL got sick shortly after I came home in 2009 and he died a few months ago. My wife decided that she would reconnect with her sister. My wife did not include me and I was upset about it. My wife kept telling me that she would not talk about her A with her sister. Then I got some VAR's and bingo found out my wife was lying to me, blaming me for her A and laughing about it with her sister I was upset and confronted my wife, firmly. My wife lied. I played the recording for her and told her to stop lying. We had long talks. During this time my wife told me that she would like to see me on Wednesday since I live in another city during the week and we could hook up mid week to ease my discomfort of being away from the family and her. Over a month went by and we did not hook up due to her schedule. I was not bothered by it as she had legitimate reasons not to be able to meet with me. Then the first Wednesday came where she would be free to meet me. We discussed it. We talked about where we would meet. We talked about it on the weekend and I thought we were set. Wednesday came and she decided to meet with her sister for over 8 hours till midnight. Thursday the same. And I lost it. She lied to me about sharing this with her sister. I asked to talk to her privately and the VAR in her car recorded her and her sister listening to my conversation and I could not hear my SIL's comments on the phone (they would mute it) but I could hear her comments on the VAR. She spent another 8 hours with her sister on Thursday and we had a big fight over it. The next week my wife came midweek to visit with me and it progressed from there to weekly meetings and we had some good times. Then my wife called me on a Wednesday and told me she was having a bad day. OK, we all have them. I was still expecting her to come visit me as this was still her plan. She called me at 4 P.M. and said that she was going to see her sister. I kept quiet. She went out with her sister till 1:30 A.M. The next morning I calmly and firmly told my wife how upset I was. My wife came down to the city that afternoon and we had a good time but inside I was boiling. I came home that Friday and asked her what the hel* she did with her sister. Long story but after 6 times sitting down and discussing what she did that THursday (Iknew everything they did) she kept lying to me. Her first story was we went to a gas station, bought some items them we drove back to her sister's house and cried about the loss of her husband in her driveway. I said really, you sat there from 5 P.M. till 1:30 A.M. crying? Then the next story she added more and and so on. The six time we sat down was Sunday and I said I had enough. I packed up my truck and I said I am leaving and will leave for good unless you tell me the whole story. She added more but not everything and I lost it. We drove around for a few hours and talked. I said things very rationally but firm. I told my wife that she can see her sister, that I will not and can't control who she sees, but keep this in mind. Your sister was involved in cheating over 12 years ago with you. That your sister cheated on her husband before with two men in a bar. My wife said, "I don't know about it", I said bull, you told me. Then my wife said, OK, I did tell you. I said, your sister is a nut case and will suck you dry, you know that and I do as well, so if that is who you want to spend your time with them have fun hanging out with a nut case. I said I heard your sister say at least two times that your A is my fault and laughed about it, so you decide who you want to listen to for your support. I then said, I want an apology from your sister and until that happens you are on your own with her. I will forgive her but I will not allow her into my life. I told my wife that the two of them broke up a friendship and because my BIL is dead it can't be fixed and that I will never support her again in family fights or when she is not getting along with other people, because I can't trust her and will not allow her drama into my life. I told my wife we discussed that she can meet with her sister on Monday and Tuesday afternoons and evenings, that she has all day Wednesday to meet with her, all day and night on Thursdays and all day Friday and that I will never understand why, when you came up with a plan to meet with me on Wednesdays that the first time we had an opportunity to meet you decided to meet with your sister and then on another ocasion you blew me off and stayed out till 1:30 A.M. I said it does not make sense unless you do not want to be with me. I said decide now, because I am packed and I will not come home.

There is more to this story but my wife since that time has made a drastic turn about.

She rarely talks to her sister. She went over one day and left after ten minutes because she could not take her sister's complaining. Duh, her sister was always a pain in the arse and my wife could only tolerate a little of it. Years ago her sister and BIL moved to our town to be with us and my wife rarely spent time with them because her sister would just complain all the time and has not changed. So my wife is again distancing herself from her sister. She got what she needed from her in support when I was verbally abusing her but since I stopped there is no reason to see her. She told her sister that she no longer wants to talk about me and her sister just complains about her life and believe me it is not fun being around her. We tried to have fun with her over the years but everything was negative. It is too cold, too hot, too expensive, food sucks, my back hurts, my feet are swollen, why would you want to do that?, I remember many times her husband getting up and walking out, because he could not take her negativity. So, my wife is getting fed up again and keeping her distance and I am glad.

House hunting. We are keeping our house and trying to buy a second one. I rent an apartment in another city during the week. My wife will drive, like last night, hours to look at houses with me and our real estate agent, after a full days work. She has spent hours online looking for houses, even after i got frustrated, my wife keeps at it. I was to meet with the real estate agent two weeks ago to look at two houses and told my wife that I am looking with or without her and that her schedule would not allow her to be there. My wife showed up and she said I want to be with you. We have put offers on houses but they have not worked out yet. I just put an offer on another house a few hours ago and my wife is super excited. Since August 1st, I can now afford 50K more on a mortgage and we will have little to no closing costs so even our price range has changed in less then a month. Funny, last year at this time when we were looking she was only looking where the OM lived and I could not figure out why she kept having me look in this area.

Phone contact. I get anxious whenever she has to be near the OM's house. She has to pass it whenever she comes to look at houses and I feel the need to talk to her during this time. She knows it. But ironically her phone or my phone dies whenever you drive by his house. It is true. My phone and my wife phone will say, "Lost signal". I keep telling my wife that it is the town of evil. Last night I tried to call my wife on her way home. She finally called me and said why didn't I call her. I said I did, five times and I said where are you? She told me and I figured it out. She said it does not show missed calls and I said because you were in the town of evil when I was trying to call you and you had no signal. It is the wierdest thing. It has triggered me on more than one occasion while talking to her on the phone on my way home and I pass the OM's house and my phone dies. It has caused several nasty Fridays because it set my mood due to triggers. Now I just tell my wife, I an entering evil and my phone dies. Wierd. Last weekend my wife and I were driving our son to another town and she was on her phone and it died right by the OM's house and I said, see, EVIL.

Her GF. We had a big blow up months ago about her. My wife decided after 30 years of no contact to hook up with her old party GF from high school. It triggered me. They had originally planned on meeting in our town with me. But, my wife decided to meet with her in a bar over an hour away. I gave her an ultimatum that did not work. They met twice but since April have stopped and almost all communication has stopped between them. Again, it was during my rampage and I believe my wife was looking for an out and reached back to times she remembered as good times. Her GF has turned out to be a decent girl but I felt it was strange that they never wanted to include me in their meetings and my WS's GF never wanted to include her husband in their meetings. Maybe I was reading too much into it but my older BIL (who I trust) told me that my wife's GF's FB page has no mention of her husband and that it makes no sense in the two of them hooking up at this time in their lives. Anyway, my wife has little contact with her and their longing to get together has died.

My wife started working in March. She told me that she needed to get on her feet in case I left her. Her attitude has changed and she is working hard so we can get a decent house and be together. Not only do I feel it I see it as true. My wife works for a company that is in my area and she has been in contact with the company stating that she would like a transfer when we move. I am very comfortable with this as when we do finally move she would have to drive by the OM's house and I do not want this so a transfer will take my anxiety away. 

So my wife has made strides.

Her faults:

1. She was lying to me up until a month ago. The thing with her sister, staying out till 1:30 A.M. was the last big lie. It was not a big deal to me about where she went. I knew where she was and when. It was the fact that she lied and did not have to lie. And of course it was suppose to be our night and she decided to spen it with Ms. Negativety.
2. She will not talk about the A unless I bring it up and she wants me to get over it. I won't yet and she still has questions to answer and I will not rug sweep this. I told her I have zero trust and until she stops lying and tells me what I need I can't move forward. I am hoping that this change in her will bring about a change in her ability to talk about the A and answer my questions.

We are going to the Bahamas in a few weeks and then Cancun in November and I am hoping that by then we will be settled on a house. I see possitive things in my wife and I now have a sense of peace that she is on board with me again. I don't have those negative vibes that I had even up until a month ago. Some of you know what I mean. I do think her GF and her sister was feeding her crap. And these two became her support system. My WS has turned her back on everyone I know would be a positive influence on her and gravitated to those that supported her A and it was only two.

So I stay positive and I am hoping for the best.


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## peterwilli (Aug 29, 2012)

Thoburn, that is great news!


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Wow, that's quite a story. I'm happy for yu that things are working out. Keep your chin up. 

Regards
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Thorburn

I was wondering how you were but I did not want to push your buttons for an update with everything you were dealing with.

I am happy to see you made it through the fire and was only a little singed.

And I believe in miracles Thorburn.

You were due one my friend.

My best to you and your entire family.

Carry On!
HM64


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