# Do I, don't I?



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hi,

I've been researching/reading about abuse, and I'm confused. I've read people say the abuser does not change or seek help unless he/she wants to, no one can make them do it. But there is the idea that they have to reach rock bottom before that happens. There's also the idea of their friends/family not condoning that behaviour. So my point is should I tell his friends/family what actually happened, for him to perhaps realise what he has done is wrong? At the moment I've kept completely quiet about the abuse and in all honesty I would feel as though I would be pushing them away from him (I wouldn't feel right about alienating him), but the other side is that he may seek help.

As side from letting his family know, my husband never opened up about his past at all, and isn't close to his family, therefore I haven't been close with them either. I'm tempted to ring his mother up and ask her what went on? I don't know if she would tell the truth, or what the repercussions might be. Maybe I shouldn't open that can of worms and in this case ignorance is bliss?

Alternatively I can just leave it as a report with the police, and forget about the family/friends involvement.

Thanks in advance for your advice.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

If it is truly the type of abuse that can be reported to the police (I only clarify because you didn't mention the type of abuse), then one point to consider is that he apparently already puts some effort into hiding it, and it could only be repeated with another again if you split. Point is, if his family and best friends know, hopefully they will bring this to the attention of a future girlfriend if you two divorce.

Secondly, if it is a police issue, he caused the issue. Why should you hesitate to include the police and get an order to protect you?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I read your other post where you indicate his parents were abusive and his father towards his mother. Depending on whether that is still going on, his mother may be reluctant to open up to you. Is there any way to get in contact with his twin sister? She may be the neutral person to speak with.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

If it's bad enough to warrant police, then I believe you really need to involve them, yes. The laws exist for a reason. Yes, it is likely to ruin your relationship, but I would argue that allowing the opportunity for further abuse to continue will not help anything for anyone.

About involving his family... I can only speak for myself regarding my verbally abusive husband (we are now going through a divorce).

I did not involve them ever. Not once. We were always "fine". I just took the horrible feelings in check, and thought this is the sort of thing you do for your spouse. Like not teasing them for farting in bed. Seriously, I figured this was dues.

Once I filed for divorce, I came clean for the family. They were worried, as H was spinning the issues, and it was very confusing for anyone to figure out what was going on. I wrote them all a 3-page letter that protected him, told them my end goal is for his support system to remain strong and in-tact, but also to reveal the truth. 

The entire family came to our house the day after I emailed the letter, and tried to have an intervention. Like I don't know commitment (after 15 years). During their 2 hours here, they saw it. They saw the contempt (at the least), and they saw lying, and they saw heartless treatment. Both my MIL and SIL related to MY SIDE due to leaving past abusive relationships. I was (in a way) worried about H and his support system.

HOWEVER, what has actually unfolded is ideal. His family is family. They know how to help each other in their own way, and they do. Telling them was the best thing I could do. Now, the focus is on providing a great family to the kids, and what we are doing is just business (sort of)... No one is worried about taking sides. Everyone is supporting the family they have had their whole life.

The one left in a really strange spot is H. I'm the one that always protected him, and now I don't. He won't leave the house, so we are living together in separate bedrooms, NOT telling the kids, and working our way through this thing. This is really hard on me, too. But, the kids are fine. We will be well through this and REALLY able to support them once they know.

I don't know if this helps, but coming clean can work out ok, too. Absolutely do everything you can to protect yourself. If you go to the police, the least you will have is a restraining order, I would think.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Thank you all for your posts.

I'm not in the same house as my husband. I will be going to the police.

Swedish - I don't know if his mother is still being abused. I have no contact details of the twin sister. I'm not sure it would be worthwhile - from the sound of it the whole family is pretty dysfunctional. I thought I was marrying the Matilda of the family (character of the Roald Dahl book).

GoDucks - thank you for your story.


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