# Truly Confused – But I want it to work out (long one)



## glutenforpain (Dec 21, 2011)

Ok so here it goes. I do apologize in advance for the length. I have been reading on the message board for some time now and have seen some great posts that have really helped me, but I need some more insight as to what to do. 

We were very young when we started our relationship, we had many problems but we were young and I expected that. When she was around 19 I bought her first car, she started going to clubs with our gay friend John, I was working a lot and the club wasn’t really my scene. I soon felt left out and started asking to tag along. I was shot down every time or she convinced me that the club wasn’t my thing. One night she went out after we had a fight and I felt horrible about it so I called her to tell her how much I love her and couldn’t imagine life without her. She did not come home that night and her cell was going straight to voicemail. I was worried and called our gay friend John, he said he didn’t go out with her that night and that “I should talk to her”. I went through her phone bill and found the number that she had called the night before, it was the worst gut wrenching pain of my life as it was a guy that she was out with that night. He said she had left after sex and he didn’t know where she was. Turns out she got a DUI and was arrested.

We broke up, but I still felt that I needed to take care of her so against all the advice of all of my family and friends we moved into an apartment together. In hindsight it was the biggest mistake of my life. We had set one ground rule: No BFs or GFs at the house, for her this turned out to be more of a grey area could not resist. I was still in love and never had a GF. At the time I never thought we would ever be couples again as there were too many trust issues. The most vivid memory of this 1 year period was a party that we had it was a great party and neither of us had any sexual encounters but we did get very drunk. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up there was a girl on the couch with me (no we didn’t do anything) She was in our room (yes our room, we still slept in the same bed together) and came out the morning after saw that I was on the couch with another girl and decided to get some revenge after making sure I was awake she grabbed one of the guys passed out on the floor and into the room they went. 

There was also a BF of hers that she went to see often and knew that we shared a bed. I was still having sex with her on a regular basis (I was still in love but figured that would pass why not get a little nookie) She was cheating on him with me and others. I was trying to move on but with us living together it obviously was not working out. One of her acquaintances had showed interest in me and gave me her phone number. Rather than go behind my ex’s back I asked her if it was ok to go out with this girl. She responded by swallowing a bottle of pain killers and had to take a trip to the ER. I finally said enough is enough after all the emotions of that year had caught up. I put her on a plane to her relatives and thought I would never here from her again. About a week went by and I started getting phone calls from her again begging to restart and try again. I soon caved as I was still in love with her. We decided to move to a different state and start over. On the day of the move I was informed by my best friend that he had slept with her at a party he had after we broke up. 

We have come a long way since then now 6 years ago. We are married with a beautiful little girl. She has been in counseling for about a year and is trying to figure out what happened in that dark time. Our relationship has never been better. I have put a lot of things behind me without actually dealing with then. She has decided to take a trip back to our old stomping grounds to visit our gay friend. This has brought up a lot of feelings that I thought I had blocked out and made me suspicious. 

Against my better judgment I went through her e-mail and found a letter that was to her old BF from “that year”, but delivered to our gay friend for review. In it said that she is sorry for showing up out of nowhere AGAIN and that she thinks they talked this time last year. Then expresses the LOVE that she once had for him. Saying she wanted to fight to be with him, but wasn’t strong enough. As if that wasn’t bad enough she then recalled a memory of a time after her 21st b-day that she had gone back for court and apparently this was “the only time she let herself make love to someone”. This time frame is after we moved and started over. 

We do not make love, we have sex. I want to make love and she has always turned me down (this part really bothers me the most), said she just wasn’t that kind of girl. When I brought this to her attention she said that the letter never went to him and she wasn’t really in love with him and that her therapist had told to write him a letter to work through her feelings. Also the timeframe was off and she couldn’t remember exactly when this encounter had happened so she just picked a date. I don’t know what to believe or how to feel. She is still going back to visit but I have some real issues with it and she knows but still is going. 

Now I am all kinds of suspicious and paranoid. I still don’t want to lose her. Like I said up until this point our relationship has been great. Any thoughts or opinions our welcomed. There is much that I am leaving out about her and other things that happened but I really don’t want the pain of recalling all of those memories. It is probably worth mentioning that I have only had sex with one person. I just love this girl soo much that I am willing to go to hell and back. I am truly confused and hurt.


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## nicole8125 (Nov 17, 2011)

if she truly loves u, she WILL NOT go!! if she has no respect for u and cant respect ur feelings as ur wife, then she doesnt love u!! ur reason is legitament for her not 2 go. she needs 2 woman up and respect ur feelings as u r her husband not some friend with bennifits etc...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You gotta hold the line, maybe have gay friend visit you guys but she can't go...maybe talk to gay friend about the situation and your triggering and he can 'change his plans'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like she's going back to see if her old BF wants her. See a lawyer. Tell her if she goes you are fileing divorce papers. The reason she treats you like this is because you won't man up. She's looking for a man that won't be her door mat.

Start reading here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Make her pack everything. Find someone decent.


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## glutenforpain (Dec 21, 2011)

Thank you for your comments. You are right I need to man up, but I am still confused. You see she is in therapy dealing with some issues that do and don't involve me. She had a troubled childhood, and never really went out and did things with her friends or had many of them. She really feels she missed out. Please keep im mind that I have a Beautiful little girl that would be greatly affected if we were to split.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

"Against my better judgment I went through her e-mail and found a letter that was to her old BF from “that year”, but delivered to our gay friend for review. In it said that she is sorry for showing up out of nowhere AGAIN and that she thinks they talked this time last year. Then expresses the LOVE that she once had for him. *Saying she wanted to fight to be with him, but wasn’t strong enough.* As if that wasn’t bad enough she then recalled a memory of a time after her 21st b-day that she had gone back for court and apparently this was* “the only time she let herself make love to someone”.* This time frame is after we moved and started over." 

How long ago was this email sent. If it was recent, then you have your answer. She is going to hook up with the old BF.

Even if it was never sent, the feelings she expressed in it shows that does not respect you and does not hold your relationship in high regard.

Don't try to make excuses for this behavior (she is not the only one that had a crap childhood, having thoughts about "missing out" and has other issues). These are not excuses for cheating. Your beautiful daughter will be better off with two parents that are divorced and both love her versus being raised in a home where there is always tension and suspicion.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Whoops. Missed the part about writing but never sending the letter. But if it was never sent, why show it to the gay friend for approval while hiding it from you?


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

You say that you love her,but sometimes love is not enough and in your case the love is one sided...she doesn't love you,she never loved you from the begining of your relationship because you dont do this things to someone you love...

She never respected you,and its because you always forgave her and took her back to easily and she knows that this time it will be the same...she will do whatever she will and you will take her back no matter what she'll do to you and how bad she humiliates you...

She never faced serious consequences for her actions and that is why she doesn't understand the enormity of pain that she is causing you...

And for you...you never respected yourself as a man,and that is why she is not respecting you,your marriage and your child...

You need to man up and show her for the first time in your life that you are serious and that if she goes to OM that you will consider it as not respecting you marriage and family and that her going will mean divorce and this time you should be serious for once in your life and make a decision for your own well being and for your child...

Sorry if I was harsh but this is your reality and its time for you to man up NOW...

Good Luck


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

glutenforpain said:


> Thank you for your comments. You are right I need to man up, but I am still confused. You see she is in therapy dealing with some issues that do and don't involve me.


So what? Did her marriage vows have an exception for, "unless you're dealing with some issues?" Guess what? Everybody has issues. You can either deal with your issues honorably and not treat your family like crap, or you can be a narcissistic jerk and hurt everyone around you.



glutenforpain said:


> She had a troubled childhood, and never really went out and did things with her friends or had many of them. She really feels she missed out.


Again, so what? She got married. Married women should not go out partying all night long without their husbands. If she wants to go out partying, she should leave you the kid, get a divorce, and tear it up. She needs to choose one or the other.



glutenforpain said:


> Please keep im mind that I have a Beautiful little girl that would be greatly affected if we were to split.


How will your beautiful little girl be affected by having a narcissist for a mother and a cuckold for a father? Will you teach her that she should love, honor, and respect her future husband, unless she's working on some issues, or feels she missed out on some casual sex, so in that case she should go nuts?

You made a mistake and married a woman that didn't value you. It is possible that you can stand up for yourself now, set some boundaries, and get her to respect (and possibly even love) you. Or, you can continue to be afraid to lose her and just let her do whatever she wants with whomever she wants.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yes, this one is getting ready to cheat if she hasn't cheated already. 

Like others have said, she has NEVER valued you. You need to accept this fact: *You have always been the back up guy*.

This stuff about having missed out on partying is a complete bunch of bullsh!t. It's just an excuse to cheat. I married young too (19), got divorced and married the rebound girl, so I never really had the chance to party it up either. Do I care? No. And I'm a guy. 

She cheated on you multiple times, and she cheated on other guys multiple times. She's had multiple ONS, one with your so-called best friend, right?

Of course, I'm sure she tells you she doesn't want a divorce. Why should she? You're the back up guy. She is what's called, a classic cake eater. She wants the security of marriage with you, but free to bang the man she TRULY loves. And the man that she truly loves, isn't you.

This happens all the time. A girl loves the bad boy, but ends up with the steady nice guy. How does it feel to be the consolation prize? You're very codependent. Please seek professional help for that.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You're very codependent. Please seek professional help for that.


Bingo!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

glutenforpain said:


> We broke up, but I still felt that* I needed to take care of her so against all the advice of all of my family and friends we moved into an apartment together. In hindsight it was the biggest mistake of my life.* We had set one ground rule: No BFs or GFs at the house, for her this turned out to be more of a grey area could not resist. I was still in love and never had a GF. At the time I never thought we would ever be couples again as there were too many trust issues.



It seems you continue to make mistakes.

If you didnt take advice from your family and friends, I dont expect you would take advice from us TAM strangers. 

Or, maybe you'll take advice now that 6 years have past. But, alas, your title of this thread betrays you.

By now, if you have not realized you can't force someone to love you, then you'll need to undergo more pain and turmoil.

Such is the way of life -- you may want to find a very competent counselor or therapist.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Many excellent advices. I just want to add that you demand polygraph after the trip.


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