# When should I play all my cards and reveal sources?



## Leah77 (Apr 22, 2013)

My H has been having at least an EA with someone in his office building. I know from his phone records, deleted texts and notes I found in his desk that he has taken her to lunches, to hockey games, to dinner and given her gifts (small dollar value). I have challenged him on the lunches, saying that mutual acquaitances saw them out together frequently. Of course he was angry and defensive. I asked if he had taken her anywhere else or ever bought her gifts and he said no. I gave him several opportunities to come clean and I asked him to seriously scale back his relationship with her. These conversations occurred over the past two weeks. I was hopeful that he would change his behavior. Last Thursday I recovered a deleted text attachment that happened to be a picture of his private parts. (I must say I was simultaneously horrified and amused. I don't understand why anyone would want that picture.) I couldn't hold back any longer and I told him if he watned to fvck her to go ahead and do it but I didn't want to be in a three person relationship. I didn't tell him I saw the photo. Of course he said he thinks I'm going crazy as my behavior is irrational. So, I finally got some VARs and put them in his car and around the house. I had to listen to a lot of boring stuff, but yesterday, she hopped in his car for lunch and I caught that on the VAR. It was hard to hear over the radio, but they were friendly and flirtatious, although not really intimate in their exchanges. I really could have bought off on the whole friends thing, but after she got out of the car, he turned off the radio and said to himself "Liz, you mean everything to me." (Her name is Liz, not mine.) I lost it with him again and said I knew they had lunch again even after everything we talked about over the weekend. I told him I felt like he didn't care about my feelings at all. How could he do that right after our conversation?? Anyway, he said the lunch was set up ages ago and he couldn't cancel it, but he will now cut off contact with her, other than maybe running in to her during smoke breaks outside. I told hm I was very close to calling a divorce attorney and although I love him very much, I will not be played for a fool. Anyway, I have held back so much of the intelligence I have on him becasue I dont want him to stop using his phone to contact her. Now that I can see all his messages, I feel like I have a way to monitor him. I would love to play the audio recording and show him the picture of "himself", but once I play those cards, I'll never have them again. He could get a prepaid phone or just use email. I can't monitor his email as it is a work account. 

I dont want to give up my information sources, but I feel like he just keeps explaining away the things I have shared with him. If I do play all my cards, how will I ever trust him again if I can't monitor his communications? I don't want to divorce him but I have no idea how to trust him again. Any advice would be welcome. We've been married 30+ years.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Well just reveal a little bit of your sources. Not the VAr. Tell him someone at his work is helping you out instead of mentioning the VAr. Also you need to print everything out so you can have a hard copy. Reveal the hard copies to him and not the the source from where you go it.


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## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't reveal sources. He knows what he is doing. Do you live in a "no fault" state? If you do and you D the evidence doesn't matter regarding alimony. I'd meet with an attorney and tell him you have the ball rolling. He's a smoker? yuck.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Well what are you going to do when you show him any of your proof and he swears he won't do it again and will cut her out (as he has already said). Yet he does it again and you still don't leave? Because all that has been happening is you telling him he needs to stop or you will leave. He says he will, he doesn't, you confront him that you know he hasn't and you still stay.

If you have no intention of acutally leaving then no don't show him anything because then you will lose it forever and you will be stuck forever not knowing what is going on.

What I think you should do is show him one thing of proof and LEAVE HIM. Don't show him proof hoping he will stop seeing her because he won't if you stay. You have already showed him you will stay. Then if he tries to move heaven and earth to get you back you start _talking_ R with him. Then you will have some of your other sources to fall back on to monitor. But it is pointless to do anything like that if you have no intention of showing him you are serious. Because right now he doesn't take you serious at all.

He doesn't need to see proof of what he is doing to be knocked to his senses. He already knows what he is doing and he knows you kinda know. Your proof is things he was a part of. What knocks them to their senses is the realization that you are serious and you will not stand for it, and he is losing you.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi leah sorry you are here and welcome to the club no one deserves to be in. I feel that you should decide which direction you want to take this too if you decide to R then I wouldnt reveal your sources, If you decide to D i guess it really doesnt matter if you do or dont However i would never reveal anything myself. Take care of yourself develop some new routines such as exercising, working out, contact old and new friends and go and do things these kinds of activities will help you deal with this and 
Good Luck


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

if you reveal your sources, he will know how to take it further underground, bypassing said sources, and will be better prepared for next time...and there will be a next time.

He doesn't care about your feelings. He thinks he is falling in love with the other woman. If you want a shot at snapping him out of it, you have to stop with the accusations-without-action...you never follow up with actions.

You should file for divorce and 180. That will be a jolt of reality for him, and he will start to see that he could actually loose you. If he fights for you back, you will be better able to decide how the R will go about. If he doesn't fight for you, you know where his heart is....not in it with you.

You can't save your marriage on your own. 2 people have to make it work, and unless he's willing to fight for it, he's just not worth it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Tell him you know how he feels about her, let him know you know about the hockey, the lunches and so on. Expose this to his family and your kids and pack his stuff up and tell him to get out.

File for divorce. If you know who this Liz is expose her if she has a husband or GF

Do not reveal your sources but get this done now!


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## Leah77 (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks for the input. It's really hard for me to hear because I want to believe him. I feel like I'm still kind of in denial, but since I've started thinking about D and protecting myself emotionally and financially, I'm starting to slowly accept this. I live in Missouri - don't know if this is no fault D or not. I'd be Ok with just getting half the assets, which is how it would probably work out. We both make good money; I make a little bit more so there would be no spousal support as far as I can tell. Our youngest is 18 and starting college, so I no longer feel I need to hold it together for the sake of the kids. He keeps telling me he never saw this side of me and he wants the "old me" back. I told him that's because for the first time in 30 years I'm telling him I won't stand for something he is doing. He can be a jerk and I always put up with it. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot over the years to keep the peace, help the kids and keep him happy. When I first found some of this evidence, I was devastated. I wanted him to love me so badly, and I was so afraid to be alone. After a couple of weeks, my attitude has progressed significantly. Now I'm more concerned about being happy and keeping my dignity. Before this started, I was working out 5 -6 times per week and I have lost about 15% of my body mass. Pretty close to goal weight. My daughter graduates in two weeks. To keep the peace a little longer, I may try to stay in stealth mode for two weeks. And maybe see a lawyer during that time. I am copying some financial records today to make sure he doesn't hide them if he gets clued in about the lawyer. H is starting to get a little paranoid. He has stopped demanding to know who my sources are. Now he gives a deer in the headlights look and asks me if I have cameras everywhere. I guess right now, I will keep my sources concealed and perhaps look for a good attorney. Maybe I should get Lasik now, while marital assets will pay for it. I'm not trying to make light of this. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut everyday, all day. I just need to develop my plan and execute it. It will be very hard for me to pull the D trigger, but I think I can do it if he doesn't change his ways. I actually can't even get him to agree to a MC in spite of the fact that he tells me he is so scared and loves me so much. Sorry I rambled kind of aimlessly. I'm glad y'all are here for support.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Who is the OW? Is she married or have a bf? 

There was a poster on her a week or two ago. She was engaged in an online affair. She came home to find her husband gone and a box on their bed containing his evidence and divorce papers.

Put the fear of god into her and she immediately began chasing him to come back.

What might work for you is a variation of that where you give a copy of the same evidence to her bf/husband the day you pack and move out.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Divorce is a tool. 
The spoken threat of divorce - not so much. 

Visit several high profile divorce attys in your city or region. You can often get a 1/2 hr or hr free consultation - look for those. That way you can wrap up these sharks and they won't be available to your H if it comes to that.

Don't say a word to him. Start the 180 (click the bottom of my post) and don't discuss these issues with him any longer. He'll just sandbag you anyway. Keep collecting evidence. 

When your daughter graduates have him served - at work. NEVER let him know you have recorded him - it is illegal in your state to record someone without at least one of the parties giving consent - so NEVER reveal that you have done this (maybe not even to your lawyer, unless s/he asks).


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Never reveal your sources, no matter how tempting it is to throw it in his face.

You need to just follow through on your threat, and implement the consequence.


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