# 31 and Husband Not Interested in Sex



## lonely_31 (Sep 24, 2014)

I'm 31 and my husband 32. We've been married for 7 years and together 9. We have two children together 6 and 3. When we were dating and even up until we had our 2nd child, we had a very active sex life. We would have sex weekly, at times twice a day. Ever since we had our 2nd child, he shows zero interest in sex. I had some weight from having 2 children. I went from 100 lbs when we met to 155 after our 2nd child was born. I am now back to 125 lb, and happier at this weight than I have ever been. It feels like everyone around me, has noticed my weight loss and has complimented me, except for him. He has always told me that I'm pretty and he loves me. 

I know for a fact he's not having an affair. He goes to work and comes directly home. I feel his main issue is his addiction to video games. He used to be a World of Warcraft addict, but has now switched to the Xbox One and console games. He turns it on the moment he gets home and continues playing until bed time. I could literally walk around the room naked and he wouldn't notice me. 

I have mentioned to him many times, that I feel like our sex life is lacking. (It has currently been over 5 weeks since we last had sex, and we have gone as long as 3-4 months in between.) I have told him I have zero desire to live in a sexless marriage and would like to be intimate at least once a week. He tells me that he agrees and he will work on it, but never does. 

I have offered spicing things up and trying new things... anything and everything at this point. He says he wants to have sex with me, but when it comes time to, he suddenly is exhausted, has a headache, a stomach ache, or needs a shower or some other excuse.

I go to bed in tears many nights. I have worked hard to lose weight, to dress sexier (I wear little dresses almost daily now trying to get his attention and sleep with next to nothing on), and to make sure the kids are down early. 

Nothing I do seems to catch his eye. I love him. He's my best friend and I would never want to leave my marriage or my kids, but it's so difficult being rejected over and over again. My self confidence takes a major blow each time I get turned down.

I found this website and I noticed a lot of people are in similar situations. I hope maybe just talking about it and getting it off my chest will make me feel a little bit better. Maybe even "accidentally" disconnecting the xbox one would too! ;-) 

Thanks for reading.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

lonely_31 said:


> He turns it on the moment he gets home and continues playing until bed time.
> 
> He's my best friend


I don't understand.

Would your "best friend" ignore you (and your kids) all night in order to play video games.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to express my sympathy. It's bad enough to have another woman in the picture but to compete with a box of electronics is surely sad.

The best I can think of is that you should spend some time on yourself. I'm not saying you should accept a sexless (and presumably intimacyless) marriage, but that you should defer drastic decisions and just look for other ways to find fulfillment in life and improve yourself.

It may be that eventually you will have to lay down the law with him but you might want to first try to investigate whey he prefers a fantasy world to the real world. That might be easier if his toy were to, shall we say, malfunction.


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## lonely_31 (Sep 24, 2014)

Buddy I agree that seems like an odd statement. We've been through a lot together. A child with birth defects that required special care, loss of pregnancies, job loss, and more recently I was in a car accident that kept me down for a little over a month. 

He's always been there for me when I've needed him and he's the sole provider of our family. He recently received a big promotion at work and feels a lot of stress from that. He says the way he relieves his stress is through playing video games, so I try not to make a huge deal about it very often. I know that's my fault and I should demand for the games to be turned off more. 

I want to set a time limit or at least have 2 nights a week without the distractions of video games, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I have to parent him. 

I did personal marriage counseling a few years ago and she told me to leave him. I came from a broken home and don't want to put my children in that same situation over video games. 

I just want to feel wanted and attractive to my partner. :-/


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## lonely_31 (Sep 24, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to express my sympathy. It's bad enough to have another woman in the picture but to compete with a box of electronics is surely sad.
> 
> The best I can think of is that you should spend some time on yourself. I'm not saying you should accept a sexless (and presumably intimacyless) marriage, but that you should defer drastic decisions and just look for other ways to find fulfillment in life and improve yourself.
> 
> It may be that eventually you will have to lay down the law with him but you might want to first try to investigate whey he prefers a fantasy world to the real world. That might be easier if his toy were to, shall we say, malfunction.


Thanks Lady.

I actually decided to go back to school and finish my Bachelor's, when all of this really got to me awhile back. I am now in my final course for my degree and will be done in the next month. 

I also continue to live life without including him. I take my kids out to the park, shopping, ect. and always leave an open invite to him. Sometimes he joins us other times he doesn't. I have a philosophy of I will continue to live my life and do things with or without you, but I won't sit on the couch watching you. 

I feel so much better about myself being at the end of my degree, losing weight, and hoping to go back to work in the spring. I feel like if I had more financial independence then, maybe I would feel like I had more power to demand attention or truly leave.

And we actually do have some intimacy. Ever single night he rubs my back while I fall asleep. He's typically on his iPad watching game reviews or sports stuff. I think he might be the only man who gives free back rubs and wants nothing in return! lol


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to express my sympathy. It's bad enough to have another woman in the picture but to compete with a box of electronics is surely sad.
> 
> .



Hey, some of us work on those boxes 

OP, the behavior described is strange on many counts. How does he interact with your children? Do chores? Quality time with you? The family? 

I have been playing video games for four decades (university high score for Pacman and Ms. Pacman, thank you). But I think he has deeper issues he's trying to escape. 

- work 
- responsibility
- family
- reality

Figure out what he's trying to run from then you can fix it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

how about this: tell him that you will unplug the games(over and over again) until he shows you that he wants you. in other words, when he comes home, be a ***** about it and dont let him play his games until he takes you back into the room and ****s you senseless. just make it clear that he has to show how much he wants you before you will leave him to his games. 

a bit of a drastic move, i know. but you have to do something. in your shoes, i would cut the power cable right in front of him, but thats just me. i like to make my expectations very clear, and i like to feel like i actually did something about it if they are not being met. 

it probably wont end well the FIRST time, but if you stay consistent with it, he will either have to actually spill the beans on why he is avoiding you or just get on board with satisfying your needs. if he does neither and decides to resent you, you will know that he is just thinking of himself. just be clear on why you are doing it and what you are trying to get from him. 

he is ignoring you for a video game. he may just be stupid. i have wanted to ignore my wife for tv shows before(i grew up poor, never had TV. its like crack to me) but at some point i had to realize that if i didn't focus on my wife, our marriage will end. and i wasnt about to let THAT happen...


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

lonely_31 said:


> Buddy I agree that seems like an odd statement. We've been through a lot together. A child with birth defects that required special care, loss of pregnancies, job loss, and more recently I was in a car accident that kept me down for a little over a month.
> 
> He's always been there for me when I've needed him and he's the sole provider of our family. He recently received a big promotion at work and feels a lot of stress from that. He says the way he relieves his stress is through playing video games,


There are always going to be stressers in life and marriage, the trick is learning to recognize them as a couple and to deal with them....as a couple. Each of you deserve your own time to decompress, but he seems to have isolated himself from you sexually, and socially somewhat. 
If you have spoken with him about this, I think you said you had, give him a wake up call so you know you have his full attention. Before he arrives home from work, leave a note saying "I know you will want to unwind with some video games after a stressfull day, I am out with the children, as I had a stressful day as well. Please call me when you have conquered the World of Warcraft." You should have a dinner out and check into a hotel. He may call you right away or he may play games till 11:00 and start to wonder where you are. Whenever he does call (and you are not to call him or txt him first) you must wait for him to call you, no matter how long it takes. When he does call, calmly tell him you are at the Marriott just relaxing from a stressful day. Lack of attention, intimacy and sex with the one I love is causing me great stress. I would love to talk with you about it, I will be here when you are ready. Do not discuss over the phone, just give him the room number. If you have a friend/confidant or family member you can put the children with, that would be best. You two can talk right then while you have his attention. Get him out of the house and away from the games. Tell him you really appreciate his hard work and can't imagine how stressful it must be for him. We both experience stress daily and we need to work together to release the pressure.
Tell him very clearly that you want and need sex and intimacy on a regular basis, the current situation is unacceptable.



> I know that's my fault and I should demand for the games to be turned off more.


I wouldn' say it is your fault but you do need to tell him emphatically what you expect, remember this is a man you are dealing with here.





> I want to set a time limit or at least have 2 nights a week without the distractions of video games, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I have to parent him.


Limits definitely need to be set, try to get him to suggest limits first but be firm with what you expect....within reason of course. Tell him you will not parent him because parenting a misbehaving little, immature boy is very unsexy. You would prefer to go find a real man who would like to play games with your toys in addition to his xbox. Tell him he can play with his xbox if he plays with your sexbox.
Good luck

. :-/[/QUOTE]


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

lonely_31 said:


> I actually decided to go back to school and finish my Bachelor's, when all of this really got to me awhile back. I am now in my final course for my degree and will be done in the next month.
> 
> I also continue to live life without including him. I take my kids out to the park, shopping, ect. and always leave an open invite to him. Sometimes he joins us other times he doesn't. I have a philosophy of I will continue to live my life and do things with or without you, but I won't sit on the couch watching you.
> 
> I feel so much better about myself being at the end of my degree, losing weight, and hoping to go back to work in the spring. I feel like if I had more financial independence then, maybe I would feel like I had more power to demand attention or truly leave.


You should feel good about yourself, you have been through alot, you have accomplished alot and you deserve attention with or without financial independance. Financial independance will give you the ability to take action if you do not get respect and attention.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> how about this: tell him that you will unplug the games(over and over again) until he shows you that he wants you. in other words, when he comes home, be a ***** about it and dont let him play his games until he takes you back into the room and ****s you senseless. just make it clear that he has to show how much he wants you before you will leave him to his games.
> 
> a bit of a drastic move, i know. but you have to do something. in your shoes, i would cut the power cable right in front of him, but thats just me. i like to make my expectations very clear, and i like to feel like i actually did something about it if they are not being met.
> 
> ...


I too am a tv junkie and I get the need to sometimes just come home and veg out in front of the tube. In the past, i had done this way too much , now I like to flip the b*tch before I flip the switch.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

thumbper said:


> I too am a tv junkie and I get the need to sometimes just come home and veg out in front of the tube. In the past, i had done this way too much , now I like to flip the b*tch before I flip the switch.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

lonely_31 said:


> ...He says he wants to have sex with me, but when it comes time to, he suddenly is exhausted, has a headache, a stomach ache, or needs a shower or some other excuse.


This is so familiar to me. My wife likes to think of herself as sexual, and is always very eager for sex...*in the future* (very rarely "now").

Then sometimes after her losses of interest, I end up being a bit childish. One night while sitting up alone I started crossing out instances of the word "sex" with a black marker in her new Cosmo.

On my birthday, which did not include any sex, for some reason she'd bought me two cakes, so on the second one, uncut, which just said *"C_e_l_e_b_r_a_t_e!"* that night I changed the frosting to *"C_e_l_i_b_a_t_e!*" which eventually I called to her attention.

Childish, yes, but better than just giving up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonely_31,

Your husband has gotten into a very bad habit that can infect his entire life. You are already seeing the harm that this causes.

There is actually a problem called computer game addiction. Here's one site that talks about it. Look up other info on it too.

Video Game Addiction - Internet Gaming Addiction

I went through this with my ex. He got to the point that he became completely dysfunctional. It causes behaviors that appear to be similar to AD/HD, obsessive compulsive behavior and even clinical depression.

My suggestion is that first you concentrate on finishing your degree. It's just a few weeks off. Then you can tackle this.

Do a lot of reading/research on the topic. Come up with a plan and then sit him down and tell him that this will not continue if you are to stay married to him.

One woman I know threw out the computer and all game equipment. It sounds harsh on the surface but it worked... he got angry, threw fits but in the end they are happy again. 

I wish I had done that a long time ago. I might still be married today had I not just let his bad behavior continue because I was over loaded with supporting us and raise his kids and my son.

You have to address this head on.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, I agree concentrate on finishing your degree.

Have you read about the 180? You cannot sustain his addiction. You have talked about this problem but he ignores you.

There are no consequences to his behavior.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ladymisato said:


> I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to express my sympathy. It's bad enough to have another woman in the picture but to compete with a box of electronics is surely sad.


sad yes, but i think it would be easier to compete with. its SO much easier to get away with smashing a box of electronics than it is another woman...


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Maybe there is another thing going on here...I said maybe!

You now have two children and one has a birth defect. Is it possible he just wants to make sure there isn't a third?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is actually a problem called computer game addiction....
> I went through this with my ex. He got to the point that he became completely dysfunctional. It causes behaviors that appear to be similar to AD/HD, obsessive compulsive behavior and even clinical depression.


EleGirl:
Much as I enjoy reading your postings (at least the small fraction of the eighteen thousand postings I've seen), I have to wonder if you're taking proper care of YOURSELF, taking time to live a balanced life...?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Has he had his T levels checked?? At this age he should be very active.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I know for me computer games can be addictive. I will sit down with the intent of playing for an hour. However at the end of that hour I'm just short of that 'level' I wanted to get to or I just got to a new 'level' I want to explore and the pattern repeats itself until next thing I know it's 3AM and I have to be up for work at 6. 

The solution for me is just to not get started because I know can't control myself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am 55 and have played video games since Pong. I'm very good at many games such as Halo or CoD. But I'm not one to let games ruin my life...

It can be done.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

john117 said:


> I am 55 and have played video games since Pong. I'm very good at many games such as Halo or CoD. But I'm not one to let games ruin my life...
> 
> It can be done.


I assume the vast majority of people can play games, blow of a little steam and then put the game away. Some though can't...and it appears the OP's husband is one of them. When a person is choosing Halo over time with their spouse and children they have a problem.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lonely_31 said:


> I actually decided to go back to school and finish my Bachelor's, when all of this really got to me awhile back. I am now in my final course for my degree and will be done in the next month.
> 
> I also continue to live life without including him. I take my kids out to the park, shopping, ect. and always leave an open invite to him. Sometimes he joins us other times he doesn't. I have a philosophy of I will continue to live my life and do things with or without you, but I won't sit on the couch watching you.
> 
> ...


I am glad that you have found ways to pursue your own life. While I would certainly not encourage you to leave, anything that gives more confidence to demand from him what you want in marriage is for the better.

So no sex but back rubs. Does he communicate openly when you are intimate? Is it just the sex that is absent?

It could be that he's just LD and the game playing, while extreme, is unrelated. Have him tested.


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