# I'm Ready To Own What I've Done



## Comingclean (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi everyone, 

I've tired doing this before on a message board about a year ago. It's taken me a long time to finally get here and get my head out of my posterior!

I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have three awesome kids! I have a very good life. I know that. 

About two years ago my high school sweetheart contacted my via facebook. He said he was coming to town and would like to catch up with me and meet my husband. Husband saw the flashing red lights and said "heck no!" (Man that man is smart!) 

Anyway, I couldn't let it die. So much had happened in my life and I needed to forgive him for the way I still felt about him. I needed to close that chapter in my book. I emailed him and told him I'd like to hear how he was doing. We emailed each other a few times and he was cordial, but very careful. Then I called him. I told him I wanted to know what his intentions were. He said he just wanted to make amends in life and thought of me. We talked for hours and hours.

Then, I called him again, then again, then again. I was already in too deep. I had strong feelings for him. But I couldn't stop, knowing that it was wrong and that it would destroy my family.

Next he came to see me and a pleasant talk turned into a kiss. I tried to get away from him before anything happened, but he talked me into staying a little longer saying he traveled so far and can I at least go with him to lunch. 

Slowly, the innocent phone affair turned into a full fledged affair...emotional, physical, everything. I told him I wouldn't leave my husband and kids for him and he was ok with that. Of course, he really wasn't ok with that. People deserve more in a relationship. People deserve a faithful companion who devotes their lives to their "us".

I broke it off with him many times, because I want my marriage back, I want my family together. I want my life back. And then I'd go back.

This last time was the last time. I will not go back to him. I love my husband too much. I love my family too much. 

I'm here because I want to be held accountable. I want to come here when I'm feeling weak and want to go back to OM and you to tell me to get my crap together. 

I also need guidance on what to do. I don't know how to get through this, what to tell my husband, how to get back to my old self. I liked her much better than what I've become.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

be prepared for a nuclear explosion after you tell him, especially after he first said NO.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am not sure you quiet know what you are in for..

If you have any doubts about this OM and you not being able to resist him. Divorce your husband. 
At this stage the affair MUST BE OVER. if you can not say this with absolute clarity you need to divorce your husband. Now. 

He does not deserve to be put through the crap he is about to go through more than once!

it will be very hard and you will feel very weak when your husband of 15 years collapses in a heap. He will not be attractive, he will not be strong and he will not be understanding.

If you are going to tell him. You will need to be totally transparent with him. Do not hold anything back because it might hurt him.
He will ask about the sex. Tell the truth. All of it.
Give him your phone.
Open up all your emails [yes even the hidden one] facebook. Everything. 
Make an effort to tell him where you are. 

What you have done shows no love at all for your family, your husband or the "us" that you took so long to build.

You owe the OM nothing. Be prepared to lose your husband.

Well done for making it here. The advice you recieve will be hard to hear but it is the best chance your going to get to save your marriage


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You committed the ultimate selfish act.

Tell your husband. He deserves the right to make a choice. To not do so is to cheat him out of an honest life. 

Keeping this secret will eat away at our soul. Your self hatred will backfeed off your husband and you _will _grow to resent him.

You may be able to keep it hidden for ten years, twenty... but sooner or later you will slip up, or someone else will, and the dirty, puss-filled infected canchor you have created will burst all over you and your marriage. Your husband will realize that everything he has known about his wife and marriage has been one big fat lie. 

If you are morally courageous enough tell your husband, and he chooses to keep you, you need to get the OM completely out of your life forever. Call him with your husband listening, or send him a No Contact letter cutting him out of your life for good while your husband watches.

Then commit yourself to a life with absolutely no privacy. You have lost that privelege. Your life must be an open book to your husband: no secret passwords on your computer, total transparency with your cell phone.... you know the routine.

You will always be an adulteress -- you cannot fix that. But you do have a chance to no longer be a liar.


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I don't feel real remorse from your post because you talk about needing to come here when you are weak towards the OM. That tells me that you are not finished with that relationship. You best get your head screwed on correctly before making an attempt to be held 'accountable'.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow you sound exactly like me..I did the same thing..your story is my story, only difference is it never got physical but was definately emotional..i broke it off too, came back, same thing. It was like an addiction..we texted and talked daily. Well I finally blurted it out to hubby, he insisted I quit contact imediately. I refused and told him I wanna date him! Hubby kicked me out. I lived back and forth with my 2 sisters. Well a few days later I lost it..had a bad nevous breakdown..was really gonna check in the mental hospital. My husband rescued me..fed me, took me home after goin.g on no sleep. I've been back a month and we are working on. our marriage. Thank God! I blocked the ex from cell phones..did no contact letter and have been honest to hubby with all the hard questions..Got the ex out of my system, got that closure but boy do I wish I never would have facebooked the ex..What a rollercoaster and mess I made with hubby of 20 years!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You came here to ask us for accountability when you feel weak.

Here's the thing. You KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

When you first answered the email, first made the first phone call, you knew you would end up in bed together, because you wanted that so badly. You didn't listen to your husband, so now you are in a huge pickle, aren't you?

Ing is right - if and when you tell your husband, he is going to die and look like the weakest POS in the world. This will tempt you even more to take on your lover again. Given he said NO, and you did it anyway, I would be SHOCKED if he could ever recover from this. If he decides to keep the marriage (I sure as heck wouldn't), he will constantly check up on you, need reassurance, and smother you. He won't trust you for months, maybe YEARS. 

And you will eventually say he is "controlling" you by doing these things, which of course, is ridiculous. But you'll do it anyway.

If you come back (not sure you will) to this board, let us know if you plan on telling him. If you do, you'll likely lose him. If you don't, you'll lose your own soul. Kiss one of those things goodbye. Sure hope it was worth defying your husband's explicit wishes for a romp in the hay with your ex.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Right now one person is messed up about this... you.

After you tell your husband, five people will be messed up about it. You, your husband and your three children.

What makes you so important that your crappy decisions making you feel bad have to make everyone else feel so bad?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The only one that will really help you from going back to OM is your H!
Sure he might leave you but take the chance and the consequence that comes with getting this monkey off your back.

If the OM is married or has a GF tell them too, they will tighten up the leash on OM side of things.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why in the hell do people recycle old relationships? Whats there to close after so many years?


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

sorry to tell you this but they are all right..if he takes you back..it will not be the same..your marriage has been damaged due to your selfishness, hey I did it too and yes it was very selfish..the self hatred is something I cannot get rid of..I do have the best husband in the world but not many husbands would be as forgiving..He cant and will never be able to forget...so much more I could say, send me a private comment if you wanna talk
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you're ready to own it, tell your husband.
You already know what the right thing to do is. You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What to tell your husband? The truth. Any be prepared that if he is a smart man, he will wonder if those three beautiful children are really HIS children. 

You don't need people on the internet to make you accountable. You need to let you husband in on the details of his marriage so he can make some decisions. If he decides to leave, then that is the price you pay.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It really doesn't matter what any of us think.Or, what you think, for that matter. Your choices are to come clean with your husband and hope ye's the forgiving type, or try to keep it hidden and chance his finding it out from a different source. You can bet that he isn't likely to be as stupid as I was in keeping the blinders on for twenty years.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh and I forgot to mention how bad it hurt my children..I still feel like they don't look at me the same anymore..wow why didn't I think about all the consequences before jumping into an EA?? Can't take back what I did but sure wish I could.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Well you have committed one of the biggest sins out there and will be heavily judged by god for it. You can only be saved if you truly devote your life to god and except Jesus Christ and even than you will be heavily judged for what you have done and it is not guaranteed you will be forgiven for your sins. 

You need to tell your husband i think you have already shown you are incapable of a consummate love and that you are to pleasure driven, and exhibit characteristics found in hedonistic and narcissistic people. You allowed another man inside you while you were in a marriage it is unacceptable the only thing you can rightfully do is try to get one with god. (if you do not believe in god) than that is fine however none the less you need to tell your husband of what you have done. I suggest you see a psychiatrist and a marriage counselor as your behavior is one that is not "healthy" or "normal" you are a cheater and you have the type of personality in you. Some people would never cheat no mater what it is not in their character. Other people all they need is justification to cheat and they will do it you are that person you needed to justify it and so you did.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Comingclean said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I will not go back to him. I love my husband too much. I love my family too much.


^^ that is very hard to believe seeing how you engaged in the affair to begin with. I will basically tell you the straight up truth some people are incapable of living happy lives some people are incapable of being committed. I really think you should tell your husband you two should probably divorce honestly but that all depends on how he takes it. I am not sure how you two are but there are just a million reasons why i can explain and give you reasons hell i could find you stats and give you a number of other info in regards to why and how marriages always fail after one partner has cheated. If you two do manage to stay together after you tell him that is the very rare instances. However none the less you need to tell him it is not fair that you cheated on him.



You need to divorce your husband he likely does not deserve this unless he himself was a cheater. If he never did than he does not deserve the pain you caused. Its is absolutely disgusting how people take advantage of others and than commit wrong and than act as if it can all be better. It is not right that so many people feel they can live a life of sin and be corrupted by the devil's poison and than act like they are "done" and can all of a sudden change and deserve things good things to be done to them and deserve the old way things were. Your husband needs to know and i think you should divorce the statistics of marriages that are healthy and last after an affair prove my case and point my point can be further proven if you talk to any marriage counselor or lawyer who deals with divorce cases let alone people who cope with helping people through infidelity. Your need to divorce your husband because he does not deserve this and he does not deserve the pain you have caused and a cheating unfaithful wife who at the sight of a "attractive male with quick words" will give it up and betray her husband, mock her marriage, sin before god with one of the worst sins of all, and than return to her family as if it never happened. There is so much wrong that you need to see a marriage counselor and a individual counselor for your mental health. You are not stable if you think as you did think its okay to commit such acts. The lying the cheating the pleasure seeking and driven seeking lust filled ideology you harbored is just a repulsive insult to the intuition of marriage. Not only have you exhibited lack of commitment, lack of compassion lack of "True Love" lack of morals, lack of character lack of control, lack of what forthcoming would be you showed a lack of interest in your marriage.

How you managed to convince yourself to go along with such acts is what is really astounding and shows an obvious lack of a healthy mind. I highly suggest you see a psychiatrist and work out what your issues are. Also you did not "become" this person you have always been this person. The sooner you realize that you have always been this way the sooner you can get past it. One of the biggest mistakes people make is they try to act like they were not "really themselves" when they did wrong doing actions. That is preposterous you have always been like this and capable of such actions because if that was not the case than you would not have DONE set actions. Thus it leads me to come to the utter realization that you are not mentally healthy however do not blame these problems of your's your sinning on your mental health this is all 100% you. You 100% did this and you 100% did this through the same person you have been all these years. One does not simply because corrupted and filled with the devil's poison. A person does not simply cheat all of a sudden if they were truly a "loyal and good loving person" they do not simply cheat. It has to have a spark of past corruption past narcissistic behavior can spark it and allows you justification for your cheating affair. You let your out of whack and clearly twisted emotions and mind to lead you to infidelity which commenced through your previous behavior.


What i am trying to say in short is that you have always been this person and it needs to be addressed. A person of truly good faith does not do this they do not wake up and commit adultery they see the warning signs they see the corruption and they turn away from it. You embraced it and found justification for it that is what is truly unhealthy and is unhealthy to those around you as they likely might be learning and feeding off your energy. Narcissistic behavior is truly a problem you exhibited you found that your own importance was better than others and your pleasure lust driven among other things drive you to infidelity.


----------



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> Well you have committed one of the biggest sins out there and will be heavily judged by god for it. You can only be saved if you truly devote your life to god and except Jesus Christ and even than you will be heavily judged for what you have done and it is not guaranteed you will be forgiven for your sins.
> 
> *I hope this is fake. *
> 
> You need to tell your husband i think you have already shown you are incapable of a consummate love and that you are to pleasure driven, and exhibit characteristics found in hedonistic and narcissistic people. You allowed another man inside you while you were in a marriage it is unacceptable the only thing you can rightfully do is try to get one with god. (if you do not believe in god) than that is fine however none the less you need to tell your husband of what you have done. I suggest you see a psychiatrist and a marriage counselor as your behavior is one that is not "healthy" or "normal" you are a cheater and you have the type of personality in you. Some people would never cheat no mater what it is not in their character. Other people all they need is justification to cheat and they will do it you are that person you needed to justify it and so you did.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Lol its not

look i have seen much worst posts if you are not religious than that is fine and you can simply ignore that one post of mine. Nevertheless would you really deny that her behavior is the complete opposite of what a healthy marriage should be about?


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Here's the thing.  You KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
> 
> When you first answered the email, first made the first phone call, you knew you would end up in bed together, because you wanted that so badly. You didn't listen to your husband, so now you are in a huge pickle, aren't you?.


I agree with Gab 100%. Personally Comingclean (interesting screen name btw) I think you're full of crap as evidenced by "So much had happened in my life and I needed to forgive him for the way I still felt about him." It's really like my Uncle Lonnie used to say, " The girl just couldn't forget how just looking at him made her wet her pants". What I believe you really want is to "confess" strongly suspecting he'll leave you and clear the way to your, "everything old is new again" boyfriend. I hate that most everybody believes he'll cave in and become a shell of a man. Hopefully, he's more like me and would help you be with the one you really want to be with; the boyfriend ( in the meantime, he'll be test driving a few newer models. )


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your betrayal was not a mistake but a series of *bad choices*. So if you choose to confess to your husband, don't you dare use the word "mistake" to refer to your betrayal.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

Read the following to help you prepare to help your husband after you confess your betrayal.

*"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*

*#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.

*#2 Be around*. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of your affair is of the '''utmost importance''', keep in mind that ''you can only be emotionally available when you're around.'' Understand that, left alone, your spouse's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with images you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. ''Paranoia is only natural during this time''; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as '''they are right to mistrust you - you have betrayed them deeply'''. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your spouse. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your spouse's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep ''yourself'' available to ''them.''

*#3 DO NOT get defensive or assign blame.* This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, DO NOT waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence or falling prey to a stalker or that he/she was someone that you came in contact with at work or via a friend. '''You should have no room for excuses anymore.''' Telling your spouse you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues the victim spouse. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to ''take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior.'' '''Remind yourself that it is quite possible that the victim spouse was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration, but instead made a conscious decision not to betray you.''

*#4 Treat your spouse as if they are the very center of your world.* While you should do this anyway, it is of ''monumental importance'' that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the discovery of the affair. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; '''dedicate yourself to it.''' Being cheated on will make your spouse feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your spouse will be under the rightful impression that you have chosen someone over them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life.'This is especially true if you were involved in a long term relationship.'Giving your spouse your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to choose somebody over them again.'' If you can, also show and tell to other people and the world even more how much you care or love your spouse in order to help the victim spouse overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused.

*#5 CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman.* Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, ''it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse.'' It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, or have to see this person at work. It is time to break those ties. '''Do what you must to avoid any contact.''' Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. ''You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman.'' '''It is in fact an insult''' to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this ''destructive individual''. Furthermore, '''because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, most likely they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage.''' Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage.

*#6 Your life MUST be an open book.* ''You no longer have the '''luxury''' of coming and going as you please.'' Once you have ''abused'' that privilege, ''it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back.'' Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book. Offer to let your spouse see your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. ''Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust.'' Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while continuing to hide your cell phone or spending is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.

*#7 Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.* Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. ''The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your spouse.'' Remember, they have already been '''hurt beyond belief''', so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the ''deception''. Your spouse needs to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. That there are people that know about that relationship and may be talking about your marriage. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting or mooching around with their lover/relationship.

*#8 '''Do not ever''' attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take.* You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, '''you are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”.''' The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. '''One of the worst things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though its “business as usual”.''' Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a '''Major decision''' and one which can be both '''very humiliating and enormously stressful.''' ''DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened.'' '''For the next few years''', the adulterous spouse '''needs''' to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and THANK them for another chance. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and '''vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever.''' Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. ''Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance'', gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future.

*#9 Choose your battles wisely.* Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your spouse is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to your affair. If a random stranger flirts with you, or buys you a drink at a bar, and your spouse becomes agitated, remember that your spouse has an '''understandable right''' to this possessiveness; you have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. ''Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding.''

*#10 '''Do not''' behave inappropriately or create future problems.* Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Putting your friends before your spouse, joining singles website, spending time with friends of opposite sex, or available singles, and forming relationships with them, is certainly not wise. Even with work relationships keep the conversations to a minimum, remember that this is how relationships begin or cross messages are sent. ''It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your spouse.'' Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance. Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than finding out about contact with the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won't hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. ''Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.''

*#11 Use this '''opportunity''' to create a new relationship with your spouse.* Be open to opportunities to bring each other closer together. Remember that your spouse now views your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. The key, then, is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. '' Finding new places to spend time and share activities together will help this.'' Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your spouse means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. '''Speak highly of your spouse in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others'''--talking badly about them behind their backs is ''not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR'' (it may also reflect badly on you as their spouse). You and your spouse (and your children) are one family that must always protect, support, and lift each other up all the time especially from strangers and NOT the other way around. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is very well on its way, to renew your wedding vows. Help your partner to see that you have created something new, stronger, and therefore not threatened by the sins of your past or the likelihood of future infidelities.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Really - then tell your husband tonight.

tell your husband he can have the kids and the house - and that you are truly an awful wife, and you will take nothing from him in the divorce.

call the OM's GF and whatever and tell her.

call your family and tell them.


then ask your husband how you can begin to earn the chance to have a second chance at becoming his wife and second chance at becoming a good mom.

Right now you have given up any right to be with your family. That you will have to grovel and fight for.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Goldmember357 said:


> ^^ that is very hard to believe seeing how you engaged in the affair to begin with. I will basically tell you the straight up truth some people are incapable of living happy lives some people are incapable of being committed. I really think you should tell your husband you two should probably divorce honestly but that all depends on how he takes it. I am not sure how you two are but there are just a million reasons why i can explain and give you reasons hell i could find you stats and give you a number of other info in regards to why and how marriages always fail after one partner has cheated. If you two do manage to stay together after you tell him that is the very rare instances. However none the less you need to tell him it is not fair that you cheated on him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 I fail to see how any of that is useful to the OP. Spewing hate filled messages with nothing but name calling doesn't bring anything to the table.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have three awesome kids! I have a very good life. I know that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


First be honest here - each step you willing chose to take. At each step you chose to toss your family into the gutter so you could cheat. You didn't love them, you only selfishly thought of yourself.

So what has really changed here? Why have you suddenly decided that the lovely lie you have been putting over on them isn't working out for you? Has your husband gotten wise and started pulling away and checking out other women? Have your kids seen the way you act and now treat you with contempt and disrespect?

Do these words make you want to defend yourself and your choices? To justify them? Because if they do - you honestly aren't going to come clean , because you do not yet own what you've done.

Instead of stopping the affair and coming clean to your husband - you've posted here, hoping that strangers could some how off a get out jail card that would make it possible for you not to suffer the consequences you are due.

sorry, but you need to talk to your husband, you need to humble yourself to him and you family.

you also need to expose the OM to anyone who will listen for the piece of living junk that he is.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

a final thing - you're not weak towards the OM. It's not that you have a sickness, or an illness. It's that you continue to choose yourself selfishly over your so called family. 

Look - I'm not trying to just be nasty here. I AM trying to get you to honestly look at yourself and your choices and own them. Don't hide behind romance and talk - own it like you said in your post.

If you truly own it - then tell your husband outright and throw yourself to his mercy. Be prepared for a h3ll of a ride and anger from him for a while - and realize that it is his right and due to very angry and even hateful of you and what you choose to do.

If you actual do love him - this is your chance, for the first time in 2 years, to actually show him that you do.

And DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH him. Tell him the whole story the first time. Answer every question and every detail he asks.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And the OP hasn't come back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I fail to see how any of that is useful to the OP. Spewing hate filled messages with nothing but name calling doesn't bring anything to the table.


I totally agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tell your husband. Real intimacy cannot abide secrets of this magnitude. It will also help you to get this man out of your system. Part of the allure is secrecy.

You have already hurt your family. Now it is time to let them know why and to atone. Your husband has a right to know and a right to decide if he wants to stay with you. 

Tell him it is the only way. Get tested for STD's and have your husband do the same.

This man is a deceptive selfish person. It is likely that he has had other affairs and may even have had an affair while seeing you.

He apparently hurt you once why would you give him a second chance. If you think that he will continue with you if you divorce I think you fool yourself. 

You are OK to stabilize his marriage but he will not leave his wife for you.


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

CantSitStill said:


> Wow you sound exactly like me..I did the same thing..your story is my story, only difference is it never got physical but was definately emotional..i broke it off too, came back, same thing.* It was like an addiction*..we texted and talked daily. Well I finally blurted it out to hubby, he insisted I quit contact imediately. I refused and told him I wanna date him! Hubby kicked me out. I lived back and forth with my 2 sisters. Well a few days later I lost it..had a bad nevous breakdown..was really gonna check in the mental hospital. My husband rescued me..fed me, took me home after goin.g on no sleep. I've been back a month and we are working on. our marriage. Thank God! I blocked the ex from cell phones..did no contact letter and have been honest to hubby with all the hard questions..Got the ex out of my system, got that closure but boy do I wish I never would have facebooked the ex..What a rollercoaster and mess I made with hubby of 20 years!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Can'tSitStill. Her posts seem to be the most encouraging on this thread. I would echo her in saying that you can do this!!! Complete honesty (from here on out) is what will eventually heal this marriage and help restore the trust.

Many marriages are destroyed by affairs, but there are also many marriages that are able to overcome the effects of an affair and be incredibly strong. You willing to talk to your husband and be comepletely honest is the first (and hardest) step.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Many marriages are destroyed by affairs, but there are also many marriages that are able to overcome the effects of an affair and be incredibly strong. You willing to talk to your husband and be comepletely honest is the first (and hardest) step.


Yeah, some marriages do survive, but its rare that they end up stronger.


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah, some marriages do survive, but its rare that they end up stronger.


Agreed. For those who are able to overcome the effects of an affair, it is rare. But it is very much possible.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Comingclean said:


> I needed to close that chapter in my book.


That was done when you got married.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think the OP bailed folks. I'm picking up my toys and going home.


----------



## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> 
> 
> I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have three awesome kids! I have a very good life. I know that.


I hope that your selfish actions and ****ing your boyfriend was worth destroying your husband and children...

Please respect your husband for once and tell him the truth...You cant have a chance to recover your marriage before you tell him the truth...

Good Luck


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

The sad reality CC is that you are now "Soiled" in Gods eyes. Sorry


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> The sad reality CC is that you are now "Soiled" in Gods eyes. Sorry


That would depend on which book you go by. In some religions, all one needs to do in order to be forgiven, is to say to the "deity" I'm sorry. 
:scratchhead:


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

How true hookares, "If wishes were horses than beggars would ride"


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

kenmoore14217 said:


> The sad reality CC is that you are now "Soiled" in Gods eyes. Sorry


Again, how is this helpful or bringing anything to the table for the OP??


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

I'll try as hard as possible to over aid and comfort to those who have been aggrieved, not so much the other way


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

hookares said:


> That would depend on which book you go by. In some religions, all one needs to do in order to be forgiven, is to say to the "deity" I'm sorry.
> :scratchhead:


Yes, that is true but...

You must say "I'm Sorry" but you Must really mean it.

In the Christian faith true remorse must be deeply felt and forgiveness must be asked for from God...He knows if you are really sincere about it. 

One should also ask for forgiveness from the ones that have been offended and hurt by your choices. There must be a deep desire to right the wrongs that have been committed and a willingness to accept and do the appropriate penance. You must also be committing to not doing this offence again...true remorse.

Only then will God forgive you or can you truly forgive yourself.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

You need to get over the OM! You can't mentally be with your husband when you are thinking about the other man..get your butt in counseling quick..do not ever contact the ex..hurry up and tell hubby! The sooner you do the faster you can heal..this has to be eating you up. I bet you cant eat, sleep, think clearly... Do what you need to do now! stop stalling!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

kenmoore14217 said:


> The sad reality CC is that you are now "Soiled" in Gods eyes. Sorry


Ignorance speaking on behalf of God


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's gone guys. We scared her off.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Bandit I was just thinking the same thing..She doesn't own crap..she's busy in lala land
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She may be scared of our comment, so she may have went to her BF for a lap dance with him, poor husband. may god help him to get away from this horrific lady.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I have to say tho some of you sound like you need to let God judge..not you, I mean some of these comments I see you are telling her shes going to hell..As a christian I think Jesus would have a gentler approach. God does forgive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I guess she wasn't as ready as she thought she was.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

morituri said:


> I guess she wasn't as ready as she thought she was.




No she wanted cake and eat it too..
She is now scared of loosing her cake, if she tell him the truth.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> I guess she wasn't as ready as she thought she was.


So many aren't - sigh...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> The sad reality CC is that you are now "Soiled" in Gods eyes. Sorry


Seriously, WTF is up with comments like these? It helps the OP how??? 



triton1984 said:


> Ignorance speaking on behalf of God


----------



## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

More than twelve hours have gone by since she posted her OP and she has not returned to take her beating at the hands of angry strangers on the Internet!

What a wicked woman.

I assume most people, when they first repent of an affair, take a while to really, REALLY own everything they've done. They've got to start somewhere. 

She may be reading and thinking. It may take her time to get her courage to tell her husband. 

She's not personally insulting or hurting anybody on this forum, so no need to get uptight. It's not personal. Anyway, this thread may help somebody else in the future.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> I have to say tho some of you sound like you need to let God judge..not you, I mean some of these comments I see you are telling her shes going to hell..As a christian I think Jesus would have a gentler approach. God does forgive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Isn't it "judge not lest ye be judged" I know I have a lot to answer for at the end of my days.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I hope that she chooses to implement the advise given to her.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well - while we wait to see if the OP returns - it seems to me that the cheaters who post here and follow up as others respond generally seem to fare better than those that post and run. In other words it seems like the threads started by a cheater who doesn't post again just become vent threads and pile-ons and the anger and venom get worse and worse with every post. I'm not sure I would have returned if I posted my thread, left for 17 hours and came back to find this. Anyone else see this or am I just imagining it?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Well - while we wait to see if the OP returns - it seems to me that the cheaters who post here and follow up as others respond generally seem to fare better than those that post and run. In other words it seems like the threads started by a cheater who doesn't post again just become vent threads and pile-ons and the anger and venom get worse and worse with every post. I'm not sure I would have returned if I posted my thread, left for 17 hours and came back to find this. Anyone else see this or am I just imagining it?


You're not imagining it.It's down here in black and...pink.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Anyone else see this or am I just imagining it?


No. Unfortunately, it's a common theme here when a DS posts. People come on and post a lot of personal attacks and hardly offer any words of support or advice.


----------



## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Well - while we wait to see if the OP returns - it seems to me that the cheaters who post here and follow up as others respond generally seem to fare better than those that post and run. In other words it seems like the threads started by a cheater who doesn't post again just become vent threads and pile-ons and the anger and venom get worse and worse with every post. I'm not sure I would have returned if I posted my thread, left for 17 hours and came back to find this. Anyone else see this or am I just imagining it?


It's pretty easy to tell the difference, I think, between people who are using some "tough love" tactics and those who want to take out their personal anger.

I don't think that cheaters are monsters. I think they're ordinary people. Some of them are really awful (sociopaths or whatever that do what they do because they don't care about anybody else) but I don't think that's true of all cheaters. So, while I appreciate the need to make sure they understand just what they've done while they were in the fog, I don't think they need to be told they're intrinsically horrible people.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you for saying that somelady. I come here to help others learn from what I did. I do of course get attacked yet I remind myself that alot of people on here have been hurt and betrayed and hold alot of anger and so I am understanding of that but this post has gone so crazy with comments that I feel went too far..I'm done with this thread unless the original girl who posted comes back for more help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> No. Unfortunately, it's a common theme here when a DS posts. People come on and post a lot of personal attacks and hardly offer any words of support or advice.


:iagree: I wouldn't stay around for a forum full of people who just want to try to shame and humiliate me. Educate and inform, sure. Attempting to show one the damage their affair has caused, of course. Coming in and taking out all your aggression towards your own WS on some stranger because you are too much of a p***y to say it to your own WS, not okay. I am a BS, and I am embarrassed at most of the posts on this thread.


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm here because I want to be held accountable. I want to come here when I'm feeling weak and want to go back to OM and you to tell me to get my crap together.
> 
> .


The only way to be held accountable is to tell your husband. So yes, get your crap together and be truthful with him.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> if and when you tell your husband, he is going to die and look like the weakest POS in the world. This will tempt you even more to take on your lover again. Given he said NO, and you did it anyway, I would be SHOCKED if he could ever recover from this.


I see that a lot on this forum. When the affair is found out the betrayed spouse goes to pieces and gets very needy/clingy and weak and does all these pathetic controlling things (which is understandable) but it drives the wayward spouse right back into the arms of their lover.

The way to handle it is to listen, then tell them they need to leave while you sort it out in your own head and decide if the marriage will continue, and let them do what they must do to rebuild your trust as in breaking it off, giving you access to all their accounts, their whereabouts, etc.

Stay strong, stay independent, stay tough, and show them that they are in real danger of losing you. The WORST thing you can do, and like I said I see it all the time is to go as far as to beg them to leave their affair partner and ask them what you need to do to get them to come back, and be all emotional and crying and devastated. Even if you can't control your inner feelings, fake it if you have to otherwise you've got everything to lose.

In the case of this thread, we have the cheater who is posting and she feels remorse. Hopefully your husband will stay strong and you will remain attracted to him and you can give up this other guy but it sounds to me like there are bigger problems here.

If you were that into your husband the affair wouldn't have happened, let alone perpetuated.

My 2 cents based on what you wrote? The best thing you can do for your husband is tell him you had an affair, you can't get this other guy out of your head and that has proven you don't love your husband the way a wife needs to and give him a painless divorce, and give him anything he wants in terms of marital assets/support/custody etc since you are the one totally at fault here.



Goldmember357 said:


> Well you have committed one of the biggest sins out there and will be heavily judged by god for it. You can only be saved if you truly devote your life to god and except Jesus Christ and even than you will be heavily judged for what you have done and it is not guaranteed you will be forgiven for your sins.


Says who? Not everyone believes in God and Christ, including myself. Believe it or not we can be "saved" as well even if we don't spend a single minute in church.



kenmoore14217 said:


> The sad reality CC is that you are now "Soiled" in Gods eyes. Sorry


This religious claptrap is not only untrue, it's not the least bit helpful. There is no God, there is no soiling, there is no "sin".


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

This religious claptrap is not only untrue, it's not the least bit helpful. There is no God, there is no soiling, there is no sin

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap;...".


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> This religious claptrap is not only untrue, it's not the least bit helpful. There is no God, there is no soiling, there is no sin
> 
> "Be not deceived; God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap;...".


Wasn't this a quote from Porky's?


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Amen brother!!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> This religious claptrap is not only untrue, it's not the least bit helpful. There is no God, there is no soiling, there is no sin


Hope for your sake you're right.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Hope for your sake you're right.


I'll take my chances.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

What's up with these touch and go threads? are they just here to incite.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

come to think of it, if she did tell him, there is the possibility he may have kicked her out and she may not be able to get on the internet at this time..i dont know..just a thought (yes I know I said I wouldnt come back here but well, changed my mind)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

OMG people what is your problem!

It's been less than 24 hours since the Op posted and I count over a half dozen posts to the effect of "she bailed" and "she's gone and isn't coming back" and even "she went to her boyfriend for a lap dance".

The first post about her not coming back was less than 4 hours after she posted!

Not everyone sits on their computer all day reading and responding to posts on an internet message board, especially those that are of an attacking nature that go so far as calling her "horrific".


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

CantSitStill said:


> come to think of it, if she did tell him, there is the possibility he may have kicked her out and she may not be able to get on the internet at this time..i dont know..just a thought (yes I know I said I wouldnt come back here but well, changed my mind)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please don't go away or stop posting. Your input is very valuable. I admire your courage to keep coming back and facing working on your recovery and sharing your insights.

To expose yourself to the discomfort of the responses to cheaters shows a commitment to Calvin, whom I have come to like very much. 

The people who spit fire and brimstone and worse are those that have been devastated by one of the most painful things that can happen in the life of a human being. 

If you have never been on the receiving end of one of the biggest shocks in your life, reading these post will give you a fraction of an idea of the abject pain that the recipient of this deception feels.

My experience with cheating - I grew up in a household with a cheating father and a devastated depressed mother who could not leave. 

I feel no sympathy for unrepentant cheaters and even those who repent, I hope they feel the other end at some point in their lives. 

That may sound mean but I think if you have not felt the horrible emotional blow cheating causes, you really have no idea. 

That is why you have to walk in pain with your spouse to pick up their burden and help them heal. 

That's why the betrayed seems to need go back to the pain again and again for years. That has to be accepted, the pain is so enormous that it is not easy to get past.


----------



## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

CantSitStill said:


> It was like an addiction..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CantSitStill, I really admire your courage for posting on this forum. From reading the responses there are many people here that are understandably angry from being betrayed. That said there are fewer people here responding from the other side of the fence to give another perspective. 

I am not condoning affairs at all, they are destructive. I now appreciate if there are issues in a marriage, work on these first before looking for a bailout option. I had a brief taste of being in the fog last year. I became infatuated with another person and in my head the fantasy grew. It was totally an aberration in my mind, there were no inappropriate conversations nor texts nor emails. I become limerent over her and I had a taste of how addictive this whole thing can be. I disclosed to my wife a couple of weeks in, she felt more betrayed then had I just had a PA with no emotional involvement. We had already been in MC for a year but my wife was defensive and was not opening up to the process. My disclosure gave her the kick she needed. Things are much better now. 

The experience made me way less judgemental towards the AP. It made me realise given the perfect storm, this can happen to any person, any time any place if our boundaries are compromised. I had been scrupulously faithful for 27 years and this blind-sided me completely. And I just had a fantasy in my head, how much more powerful would this be had there been consummation? I now appreciate its very hard for the AP to break the addiction. NC is so vital as with any other addiction.

I got much support that was non judgemental over at http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence.

I also feel moved to say it saddens me that someone comes on here for support and they get shot down. I am not religious, but I can sense she is in pain and is reaching out for help. How does it help her by projecting rage and anger on to her? To me this does not feel religious in any shape or form. Just me perspective. 

good luck CantSitStill and i hope things work out for you.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Bit of light relief on the thread. There are many religions and many interpretations of those. 


Welcome to Hell - YouTube


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

UCan Talk,CantStandStill's hubby here,things are working out for us,slow but moving ahead that God.Its amazing how powerfull love can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

calvin said:


> UCan Talk,CantStandStill's hubby here,things are working out for us,slow but moving ahead that God.Its amazing how powerfull love can be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck Calvin. From what I've seen if there is a will on both sides many marriages can become much stronger after such an event. Only conclusion I have come to is long term relationships are hard work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh I'm still here, not going anywhere, I do learn from this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Comingclean (Feb 27, 2012)

Yeah, I'm back. Thanks for all the helpful input. I don't have anyone's names figured out yet or who said what, etc...

Update: I've been having the hardest struggle in myself the last few days. Yesterday I cried and I mean cried. I feel like **** for what I've done to my family, especially my husband. He's such a good man. The best, in fact. I am such a dirt bag and don't deserve my great life.

I haven't told my husband, yet. I guess that just proves what a ***** I am. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I want to talk it out with her first. I think you are all right, though and I need to tell my husband. 

I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here. I still haven't contacted him. I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family. I was being totally selfish. I was buying into what OM was telling me. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I'm so fickle. I get this way with my friends, too, I buy into what they say and start following along. I've ****ed up so many friendships in my life because of that. 

I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> Yeah, I'm back. Thanks for all the helpful input. I don't have anyone's names figured out yet or who said what, etc...
> 
> Update: I've been having the hardest struggle in myself the last few days. Yesterday I cried and I mean cried. I feel like **** for what I've done to my family, especially my husband. He's such a good man. The best, in fact. I am such a dirt bag and don't deserve my great life.
> 
> ...


Isn't it a little late to be asking those questions. I always find it weird how the consequences are never even thought about ahead of time. You already made the decisions for your family future without there input. Three more people s lives are already forever altered all that is left is for you to accept the consequences of your actions and give your husband his life back. What is the point of life if it is all just make believe and that is what your husband has. Today was another day that you got up and purposely decided to lie and cheat on your husband. Just like yesterday and probably just like tomorrow. Make today be the start of the rest of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

CC,

Do you have somewhere to stay if your husband asks you to leave?

Not trying to scare you, but maybe if you start preparing for the worst (packing a bag, making arrangements to stay with someone, etc.). It may help you bolster up the courage to tell your husband what happened. 

When you do tell him what is going on, you need to be prepared to come clean on every aspect of your affair -- even the sexual parts. 

If he does decide to keep you, his male ego is going to be nuked and in order for him to move on he is going to want to know the dirty details. Be ready and prepared to answer everything: how many times did you have sex with the OM?; was he bigger than me?: was he better ? where did you have sex?: in our house, at a hotel? did you do things for him that you have never done for me? -- that type of questioning. 

I don't feel sorry for you, but I do empathize with what you are going through. 

Best thing to do is get the kids out of the house, set a date to tell him, and just do it. 

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I would not be surprised that he has known that something has been going on in your life, and he might surprise you with his responses.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Comingclean said:


> Yeah, I'm back. Thanks for all the helpful input. I don't have anyone's names figured out yet or who said what, etc...
> 
> Update: I've been having the hardest struggle in myself the last few days. Yesterday I cried and I mean cried. I feel like **** for what I've done to my family, especially my husband. He's such a good man. The best, in fact. I am such a dirt bag and don't deserve my great life.
> 
> ...


Glad to see you back ComingClean. You are correct, you absolutely need to tell your husband, let him get tested for STD's as well as yourself, and it is in his hands then. There are some excellent tips on this site to help guide you through what you should be doing to help him heal, should be choose to remain married, or attempt reconciliation.

Don't be suprised if he doesn't seem to know. He may want to work it out one minute and the next he may hate you. It kinda rotates and spirals.

Your kids are definitely something you should have thought about before this, but you can't un-ring a bell. Don't use them as a reason to not be honest with your husband. 

The more time you wait to tell him about this affair, the worse it will be on him. I didn't find out until 18 months later, and it was like everything that happened during that time was a lie. Because I was not an equal partner in my marriage due to his lying, the recovery was a lot harder on me. Be aware of that, and don't waste time trying to justify lying to him. Best of luck, and keep gathering information on what you can do once he knows.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't know if you should wait til Thursday to see your therapist.. Can't you get an emergency appointment. I know you gotta be scared. It's not gonna go well when you tell him but you really need to if you ever want a good marriage. You know what you need to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

I get the sense that you are truly sorry for what you've done, and I hope you are. You're scared now that you realize what you could lose, and you should be.

You say you are ready to come clean with your husband, so just do it. It's probably going to be horrible, but you earned that. He has a right to know.

I hope you remember to allow him his reaction, whatever it is. He's entitled. You betrayed him in the worst possible way. I'm not saying that to be mean or hurtful, but I think sometimes the WS is so busy trying to make the affair seem like less than it is/was, than it is that they almost resent the reaction of the betrayed spouse.

Remember that if he chooses to forgive you, it will take time. ((hugs))


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

by the way..excuses are not working
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

I can honestly say I would have an easier time getting over what mine did to me, if she would have ended it before I found out, and came clean. 

I sometimes feel like it only ended AFTER she found out what it did to me, or after the fog cleared. 

the fact that you ended it, and what to come clean, is definite step in teh right direction. 

THERE WILL NEVER BE A GOOD TIME TO COME CLEAN! You need to do it yesterday.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And when you come clean come fully clean. Heck write it out in a timeline to give to him when you confess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And when you come clean come fully clean. Heck write it out in a timeline to give to him when you confess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe he isn't going to want that level of detail.

Might be enough for her to say, "I messed up, I had an affair, it's over, what can I do to make it right" and leave it to him to ask for whatever it is he wants or needs to know.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Comingclean,

I went back and re-read your original posting, and something jumped out at me. You wrote that you need to know "WHAT to tell my husband."

Are you trying to present what you've done to him in a sugar-coated way so he will be more forgiving?

If you tell him the TRUTH, then you don't have to think about it at all.

If he does decide to give you another chance, and try to re-build your marriage, then it has to built on a foundation with NO secrets and NO lies.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> .
> 
> I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????


You have started on a long hard road. You cut off the OM. 
Seeing your therapist and discussing it there is a good idea and your right, the kids do deserve not to come from a broken home.

You can't undu what has been done and this is one of the saddest things about it. It is right to fear the worst. This is the worst thing that can have happened to him. You telling him, assuring him that it is over and recommitting to the marriage are your best chances . 
Remember that your guilt is not his to carry. he has a broken heart to deal with. You have to do both.
Be truthful with him. Connect with him. Don't rely on other friends as support. He needs to see like never before that you are there with him. 
You just lost your right to any privacy. he is not being controlling when he wants to know where you are, he is protecting himself from further hurt.
It does sound like you are sorry and this is a good thing.
Tell him after you see the therapist. Good luck.


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Comingclean said:


> I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here. I still haven't contacted him. I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family.


From you first post, you've been down that, "I broke it off with him many times and want my family back" road before. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give it a little time, let things settle settle down with your husband, a little routine set in, and you'll be back in contact.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

5stringpicker said:


> From you first post, you've been down that, "I broke it off with him many times and want my family back" road before. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give it a little time, let things settle settle down with your husband, a little routine set in, and you'll be back in contact.


Why bother posting here? You aren't being helpful to anyone, just getting your anger out. post your own thread and vent, or go take it out on whomever it is towards.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> From you first post, you've been down that, "I broke it off with him many times and want my family back" road before. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give it a little time, let things settle settle down with your husband, a little routine set in, and you'll be back in contact.


She wouldn't be here if she didn't have the desire to make things right. Quit projecting your own anger at your WW onto ComingClean and give the girl some honest advice. 

I do believe we are all here to help save marriages; and as often as I tout divorcing an unrepentant wayward, I really don't think ComingClean is one of those. She's just scared.


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Sorry Bandit, I'm not convinced Comingclean is ready for give up her fellow on the side. Go back an read what she sez. By her own admission (first post) she practically seduced the OM.

_"Anyway, I couldn't let it die." 
"I emailed him and told him I'd like to hear how he was doing." "he was cordial, but very careful.
" Then I called him. "
"Then, I called him again, then again, then again."
"But I couldn't stop, knowing that it was wrong and that it would destroy my family.'_

Her old man picked up on the gleam in her eye and put the quietus on the plan when the old boyfriend wanted to come down for visit. But she wasn't going to be fettered.

Now she says, reading between the lines, 

"I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here._ I still haven't contacted him."_ Still a possibility?
_" I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family." (something she wants; not because of her love and respect for her old man)
"I don't know why I'm so fickle. I get this way with my friends,"
_

I think many years ago this guy was a bad boy, probably ditched her, and was always a challenge. Women love guys that are a challenge. From her comments, what do you think would happen if he contacts her? But he won't have to. 

I am giving advise; for her to face the fact that she has three options;
a. be satisfied with what she has at home and comfortable with that's as good as its going to get.
b. Give up hubby and make a play for a more permanent situation with the boyfriend
c. keep something going on the side and hope she doesn't get caught.

BTW, as far as I know, I've never had a WW. So I'm not angry. I've been the one to step over the line and I know the game. But to be honest, my brother is pu--y whipped with a son that's not biologically his and a wife that treats him like crap. I am angry, not a her, but at him for putting up with it. So maybe that does play into my responses. In respect to the above case however, I think I'm on the money.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

5stringpicker said:


> Sorry Bandit, I'm not convinced Comingclean is ready for give up her fellow on the side. Go back an read what she sez. By her own admission (first post) she practically seduced the OM.
> 
> _"Anyway, I couldn't let it die."
> "I emailed him and told him I'd like to hear how he was doing." "he was cordial, but very careful.
> ...


Coming from a person who has experienced a wayward, what i've read from ComingClean sounds NOTHING like someone who is unremorseful. It sounds like she has finally started to come to grips with the devastation she has caused and is unsure of what the future holds. 

I've been on this site for a long time and i've read tons of posts about waywards and many by waywards. To me, she seems to be coming out of the fog but has a lot of work ahead of her. 

Give her some credit. She cut things off herself. Thats a good start. There is still much more to do. Let's not discourage her but encourage her to take the right steps to try to do the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

marksaysay said:


> Coming from a person who has experienced a wayward, what i've read from ComingClean sounds NOTHING like someone who is unremorseful. It sounds like she has finally started to come to grips with the devastation she has caused and is unsure of what the future holds.
> 
> I've been on this site for a long time and i've read tons of posts about waywards and many by waywards. To me, she seems to be coming out of the fog but has a lot of work ahead of her.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Encouraging her to do right by her family is what she needs. Not people trying to beat her down with their own issues and anger.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

5stringpicker said:


> BTW, as far as I know, I've never had a WW. So I'm not angry. I've been the one to step over the line and I know the game. But to be honest, my brother is pu--y whipped with a son that's not biologically his and a wife that treats him like crap. I am angry, not a her, but at him for putting up with it. So maybe that does play into my responses. In respect to the above case however, I think I'm on the money.


I do have to wonder why you are on the coping with infidelity forum offering advice if you haven't experienced either side of it. The people who have had no personal experience in their marriage with these kinds of things are the last people I would be taking advice from.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ComingClean, please understand that sooner or later the truth comes out. As some of the others posters have already touched on this, your husband has probably noticed the change in you from the time your affair started to the present. If you choose to keep the truth about your affair to yourself because of some bad advice given to you by friends or your therapist, then you are making an already bad situation, a thousand times worse. DawnD said it well when she stated that *everything *she experienced from the time her husband's affair started to the day she discovered it (D-day), had been nothing but a big lie. Now imagine if years from now your husband were to discover about your affair, how do you think he will feel? Not just devastated about your betrayal but feeling that the time after you started the affair had been a huge farce and he the butt of the joke.


----------



## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Why bother posting here? You aren't being helpful to anyone, just getting your anger out. post your own thread and vent, or go take it out on whomever it is towards.


*****. I completely agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I do have to wonder why you are on the coping with infidelity forum offering advice if you haven't experienced either side of it. The people who have had no personal experience in their marriage with these kinds of things are the last people I would be taking advice from.


I thought I said I was on the cheater side of the equation so I have experienced one side of it. Curious about your reluctance to take advise for the non-experienced in this area. What about a MC. 
Nevertheless, lets take a look at this situation from the OM perspective. Maybe she can glean whats hidden behind that excitement door she keeps going through and the man behind the mask. This is the game I've played many times with a number of married woman.

Here's the way I'd handle the situation back in the days I was a player and probably the way the OM is handling it. 
She's keeping me on the side. Since women control half the money and all the pu--y that's the way it is; me on the side. As long as she's banging me, I really don't care what her relationship with her husband is like. I just let her do what she's going to do. In the meantime, I'm going to be hustling other women to have others on standby when her guilt takes over. I'm not one of those jokers who get all invested in a woman who is married, waiting for her to leave her husband. I just think of Comingclean as my entertainment. I let her call me and when she does I keep it light. I don't get into an analysis of the situation with her husband. I don't make her feel like I want anything more from her because that a total lie. I let the excitement of the illicit act drive her. I let her do all the touching until I her get back to the room for a couple of hours of pleasure. I don't take her anywhere special. No dinners. No dancing. She's just my FWB who I don't spend more than ten bucks on. Well maybe more for a room
I only meet her every few weeks for a couple of hours of getting laid by an old girlfriend from 20 years ago that's risking everything and betraying the man that loves and trust her just to feel me inside of her. That ain't bad when I consider she can't resist me even after I treated her like crap years ago. It may not go one forever, but right now she is choosing to be in the sack with me, rather than with him, and willing to jump through hoops just to be with me. It's one hell of an ego boost.

Who knows, she just might see the light and let me know that the fun is over. But if that's going to happen, the initiative has to come from her. If it never does, I'll eventually grow tired of her and move on. In the meantime, I ain't giving up a little extra on the side. Hey don't blame me. There are plenty of other guys who'd be happy to take my place. This is the way the OM feels folks, like it or not.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So 5String, are you a reformed OM or still in circulation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So 5String, are you a reformed OM or still in circulation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've reformed. But its like an alcoholic. You never lose that thirst. I've been on the wagon for about 12 years, a little while after I married my current wife who forgave me but said that would be the only time. Former wives would go for it but there is more to that story. I'm in a position (college instructor) to have access to a lot of temptation but I've resisted the temptations. You just have to make up your mind you're quitting and stick with it. My exploits is nothing I'm proud of but I do know the game.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Machiavelli thy name be 5stringpicker.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

5stringpicker said:


> I've reformed. But its like an alcoholic. You never lose that thirst. I've been on the wagon for about 12 years, a little while after I married my current wife who forgave me but said that would be the only time. Former wives would go for it but there is more to that story. I'm in a position (college instructor) to have access to a lot of temptation but I've resisted the temptations. You just have to make up your mind you're quitting and stick with it. My exploits is nothing I'm proud of but I do know the game.


I appreciate the insight but again, ComingClean came here to try to get help. We should be encouraging her and not telling her what's possibly going on in the mind of the OM. He is not her concern right now. Her busband is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I appreciate the insight but again, ComingClean came here to try to get help. We should be encouraging her and not telling her what's possibly going on in the mind of the OM. He is not her concern right now. Her busband is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And that we have done and I doubt the input of one lone poster is going to undo all the good advice given to her. That is simply giving him too much credit.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

morituri said:


> And that we have done and I doubt the input of one lone poster is going to undo all the good advice given to her. That is simply giving him too much credit.


Agreed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

marksaysay;608353 We should be encouraging her and not telling her what's possibly going on in the mind of the OM. He is not her concern right now. Her busband is.
[size=1 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


I may be wrong, but it may be insightful to compare the OM who is at best a FB with her husband who hopefully is the father of her children and man who truly supports and loves her. What I provided is SOP for what the OM thinks. Personally I believe if she can do it, cancel the boyfriends ticket, forever ban him from her thought and presents, don't tell the husband a damn thing that will destroy the fairy tail world he may have build and live with the guilt. Ya, there's some downside but confessing everything is going to hurt her old man.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

5stringpicker said:


> I may be wrong, but it may be insightful to compare the OM who is at best a FB with her husband who hopefully is the father of her children and man who truly supports and loves her. What I provided is SOP for what the OM thinks. Personally I believe if she can do it, cancel the boyfriends ticket, forever ban him from her thought and presents, don't tell the husband a damn thing that will destroy the fairy tail world he may have build and live with the guilt. Ya, there's some downside but confessing everything is going to hurt her old man.


Living with the guilt will eat away at her. Her husband needs to know. If she is really remorseful, she must confess and deal with the consequences. One of the hardest things a person can do is face themselves. By coming clean, she will be doing that. 

In doing so, there are no guarantees that her husband will want to continue but it will be one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences she will go through. She decided to stop living a lie. Right now, her marriage is a lie. Her husband has not been her one and only. He deserves to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

marksaysay said:


> Living with the guilt will eat away at her. Her husband needs to know. If she is really remorseful, she must confess and deal with the consequences. One of the hardest things a person can do is face themselves. By coming clean, she will be doing that.
> 
> In doing so, there are no guarantees that her husband will want to continue but it will be one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences she will go through. She decided to stop living a lie. Right now, her marriage is a lie. Her husband has not been her one and only. He deserves to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can see the temptation to cover up, lie and live with the guilt but how can that not get in the way of building an honest, respectful and strong relationship? 

Last week a business colleague confessed his "secret" to me that he has been carrying for 15 years and has told no one. I raised "radical honesty" as a possibility and asked how can holding this secret not weigh him down? How can it not stop him having a truly honest relationship with his wife? I can see things are weighing heavily on him. He knows he has to do it for his own conscience. 

Perhaps that's what it comes down to. Do you have a conscience?


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

5stringpicker said:


> I thought I said I was on the cheater side of the equation so I have experienced one side of it. Curious about your reluctance to take advise for the non-experienced in this area. What about a MC.
> .


I wouldn't choose a MC who hadn't dealt with it before. There is knowing ABOUT it and KNOWING IT. Two separate things.

If you are a reformed cheated, why are you in here being unhelpful and posting snarky comments to other cheaters? Does it make you feel better?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Confessing her affair before her husband discovers it, improves - not guarantees - the odds in her favor that her husband may choose to continue with the marriage. I know that in my situation it would have been less traumatic if my ex-wife had come forward and confessed than me discovering that horrible video. Perhaps I'd even still be married to her.

Comingclean, if you choose to take the secret of your affair to the grave, you will be forever on guard not to slip for fear that your husband finds out and ends the marriage. If your marriage is fated to end, better that it end now than years later when the damage will be exponentially much greater to your husband. Your choice.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Wasn't there a published case of a man divorcing his wife when in their 90s? He found out about her affair in 1940s.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah. Just a few weeks back. In Italy I believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

See, "taking it to the grave" part can fail in unimaginable, spectacular ways.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Comingclean, you need to tell your husband about your affair, it will eat you alive, especially if you are remorseful, and really love your husband. Your relationship has to be built on honesty if it is to survive. It's a tough decision, I know.

And when and if you do, tell him EVERYTHING all at once, don't let little bits and pieces slip out, it will just anger him more. I destroyed my marriage because I was unable to tell all the truth at once, we think the less they know, the less it'll hurt, and they keep asking if there's more, we say "NO", and more comes out.

good luck


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The man is in his 90's. Last year he discovered letters from his wife to her lover from WWII. They had only been married a short number of years when she started her affair. He went straight to an attorney and filed for divorce despite his wife's pleas to him for forgiveness. The sad thing is that he will die firmly believing that his marriage was nothing but a sham.


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

DawnD said:


> If you are a reformed cheated, why are you in here being unhelpful and posting snarky comments to other cheaters? Does it make you feel better?


No Dawn, it doesn't make me feel better. I don't think its going to hurt her to get an idea about the situation she is really dealing with, and what she has jeopardized her marriage for and possibly destroyed it. Its not some romantic fairy tail where everybody lives happily ever after she recovers the lost joy of experiencing interaction with a long, lost love. She pursued this guy because of some romantic vision of him and how he possessed something that could fill some emotional need. Women tend to believe the man has a similar emotional connections. She needs to know she is trading a temporary taxi ride for a Cadillac. This vision she has that the OM feelings are mutual most likely doesn't exist and she is nothing more than a play thing. Ya, the sex was fun and exciting but that's not some magic generated only by the two of them . It would be fun and exciting with me and hundreds of other guys. Sex, in and of itself, is a physical act that is performed basically the same by everyone. And sex is all it is to the OM. The fare she is ultimately going to pay is a very high one. Unfortunately, her husband is going to have to anny up most of it. Hence my suggestion she not confess to him to offload the guilt. In this situation, if she can truly give up the other guy and never do anything like this again, I don't see a lot of upside to confessing and letting her husband know the Ferrari he thought he married is a kit car. That's my take and I maybe wrong.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well I found it very interesting reading what goes through the mind of the OM, thank you for sharing that, for I had an EA and as I read what you said..kept shaking my head telling myself yep..I do believe the OM was a player...and there I was in lala land.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

5stringpicker said:


> Hence my suggestion she not confess to him to offload the guilt. In this situation, if she can truly give up the other guy and never do anything like this again, I don't see a lot of upside to confessing and letting her husband know the Ferrari he thought he married is a kit car. That's my take and I maybe wrong.


For that to be successful, she would need to be able to successfully compartmentalize the affair so she could put it away from her mind - like storing away old pictures inside a box placed in the attic. Most of those who can compartmentalize in such fashion often have personality disorders which bring a host of other issues to the marriage. The rest of us are unable to do that and are faced with harboring an emotional toxin which slowly poisons our lives and the lives of those closest to us. And as we've seen, if the affair is discovered later on by her husband, then all bets are off as far as any chance for the marriage to survive.


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

That is a downside to not confessing Morit. In a situation like this, the culprit has to choose their torture. The cost of extramarital affairs are greater than any benefit you can possibly receive and leave wounds that never heal and scars that are forever visible. You have sentenced both you and your spouse to a living hell. Its unfortunate that the expected excitement of such liaisons overshadow the damage you're doing and the pain youre causing.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Wonder if she's told him yet. Hope she gives an update.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why didn't you think what an A'hole POS, your lover was BEFORE you spread your legs for him.

He didn't give one crap about the destruction of your family---all he wanted was what he got in HS, some sex---you couldn't make it with him, then----and now guess what, you have let him completely destroy not only your life, but the life of your H., and even more improtantly the life of your OWN FLESH AND BLOOD THREE KIDS

I hope you don't want us to believe you are a good mother---cuz a good mother would not have sacrificed her kids on the alter, of split homes, divorce, misery, and growing up not knowing who they belong with, on whatever day it happens to be.

Sorry but you deserve no sympathy, I know you are asking for none, but no matter what you decide---it will all end up miserably, so it doesn't really matter which way you go

I won't say good luck to you, as I will never dignify what you have done, for some cheap meaningless sex, I will say good luck to your destroyed, husband and kids., they are gonna need it.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Thank you jnj express


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

9 pages in. Has the original poster owned it yet?

LostAlso, you may want to start your own thread so you don't high-jack this one. And why on earth are you still hanging out with the OM and his wife? Yuck.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> 9 pages in. Has the original poster owned it yet?
> 
> LostAlso, you may want to start your own thread so you don't high-jack this one. And why on earth are you still hanging out with the OM and his wife? Yuck.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

What kind of a lady she is? she is reading everything and she is afraid of loosing and her husband fighting with OM. What a horrific lady she is still cake eating without a trace of self respect and respect for her husband. He have the right to know, tell him directly and face the consequences.
You should have thought of the consequences when you decided to spread your legs for some one.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostalso,

Start your own thread please.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hey comingclean let us know what happened at your counseling session please, hope you are ready to talk to your hubby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

still waiting to hear from you coming clean..I've been in your shoes to a point and am really hoping and praying for your family. It's the weekend, good time to confront him incase he kicks you out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

meant  it made it a happy face hmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She was a hit-and-run poster. She didn't get the validation she was looking for so she picked up her toys and went to another playground.

It's always a disappointment when they don't come back, but you have to expect that here on TAM where we pull no punches.


----------



## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

67flh said:


> be prepared for a nuclear explosion after you tell him, especially after he first said NO.


Yes be prepared. 
I am the cheated on. And its not easy for us. My advice would be

A. HOLD ACCOUNTABILITY 100% 
B. be transparent 100% 
C. NEVER blame your spouse for your cheating
D. Whatever space your spouse needs, give it.
E. NEVER DEFEND WHAT YOU DID it will get you nowhere


----------



## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> She was a hit-and-run poster. She didn't get the validation she was looking for so she picked up her toys and went to another playground.
> 
> It's always a disappointment when they don't come back, but you have to expect that here on TAM where we pull no punches.


The OP doesn't owe anybody at this board anything. She may come back, she may not. We don't know what is going on in her mind. We may never know. All people can do is offer advice and she can think on it. She may think on it for a long time. She may need to get her courage up to act on the advice. That really is her business.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Comingclean said:


> I'm here because I want to be held accountable. I want to come here when I'm feeling weak and want to go back to OM and you to tell me to get my crap together.


With the length of time in the affair, before she posted, then her absence leads me to believe that she doesn't have a lot of strength of character. To weak to stop, to much of a coward to tell her husband and face the pain.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

it's never to close. it's always curiosity and to open doors. basically to start drama and trouble because people say they want the perfect life but when they get it they feel bored and trapped and seek adventure. once they find it (the drama that is) they realize, "oh s%$# it wasn't worth it"


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

SomeLady said:


> The OP doesn't owe anybody at this board anything. She may come back, she may not. We don't know what is going on in her mind. We may never know. All people can do is offer advice and she can think on it. She may think on it for a long time. She may need to get her courage up to act on the advice. That really is her business.


Doesn't it become our business when they ask us for help? I don't get paid for this but do it to try and help others going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> What kind of a lady she is?


Lady? You're kinda using that term loosely there Kallan.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

folks it's been a week since she logged in.
given her history, she's already hooked back up with OM, and the husband is still very much in the dark on why his wife is absent from the marriage.


her kids are wondering why mom is tuned out, and her ongoing actions on the way she treats her husband are teaching them first hand on how to live in a dysfunctional family.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well call me crazy but I bet she will come clean to her hubby when she is ready. It's a hard thing to do, I give her credit for coming here for support. I still have hope that she will be back here. I was in her shoes..I had an EA and telling your spouse knowing it's gonna crush him is very hard to do. Hopefully she has been going to her counseling and will do the right thing soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let's hope.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Since I'm still new here...does this happen a lot, where people post and then you don't find out what the outcome is/was?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Since I'm still new here...does this happen a lot, where people post and then you don't find out what the outcome is/was?


All the time.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Since I'm still new here...does this happen a lot, where people post and then you don't find out what the outcome is/was?


Yup, many people don't like the advice they receive. They're looking for a magic pill to make it all better. Doesn't exist.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> Slowly, the innocent phone affair


There was nothing innocent about it. Just because sex or physical contact wasn't involved doesn't make it innocent.

Cheating is cheating whether its physical or emotional.




> turned into a full fledged affair...emotional, physical, everything. I told him I wouldn't leave my husband and kids for him and he was ok with that. Of course, he really wasn't ok with that. People deserve more in a relationship.


Not all people deserve that, much less people who would seek to deny that to someone already in a relationship.




> This last time was the last time. I will not go back to him. I love my husband too much. I love my family too much.


Maybe you love them too much NOW. But if you did all along, you wouldn't have messed around with the OM in the first place because you wanted to feel the excitement/thrill of having sex with someone other than the same man you have been with all those years.




> I'm here because I want to be held accountable. I want to come here when I'm feeling weak and want to go back to OM and you to tell me to get my crap together.


No problem there. But if you TRULY love your husband "too much" as you say, OM shouldn't even be a thought for you.

Therefore if you are "weak" and thinking about going to OM, or even pining for him, then you do not love your husband. Don't even say you do.



> I also need guidance on what to do. I don't know how to get through this, what to tell my husband, how to get back to my old self. I liked her much better than what I've become.


Get off Facebook for one. You are one of the many that can't handle the temptations. FB has become a real pain in the ass for faithful spouses of a spouse that FB's all the time.

Second, you tell your husband straight up what happened. That way HE can hold your feet to the fire. You will, for a while, more than likely be held under surveillance, but that is what needs to happen so you know the severity of what you have done.

If you don't come clean to your husband, you won't suffer any real consequences and will learn a valuable lesson......you can get away with it.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Comingclean said:


> I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????


You should have thought about that before you started and affair, much less have sex with another man.

Does your husband deserve to be cheated on and never know what kind of woman he is married to? No.

You tell him and let him decide how his life should happen from here on out, whether with you, or without you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanks for the Bible Dex. She's long gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Thanks for the Bible Dex. She's long gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Consider it the NEW New Testament


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

I posted earlier in this thread that I thought she was genuinely sorry for her actions. I guess I was wrong.

I feel bad for her husband.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

This is like the never ending thread..lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Dexter Morgan - you are right - Facebook is a very dangerous tool in the hands of the weak. That is how my husbands EA started....she had him at "Hello....Remember me?".....kills me thinking about it. We are working on our marriage, and deleted our FB accounts the day after he said he wanted a divorce and then retracted and admitted the affair and said he wanted us. We now share a page , but don't even use it, has a coded name so it is not easily searchable, and don't put pictures up. Kind of makes me angry because I lost contact with good friends from high school (of the same sex)....all because he could not see the trainwreck he was slowly moving into. 

As for the original poster of this thread - until she says goodbye for the last time and means it, I don't think she should tell her husband. My WS did that, went back and forth twice, and that almost killed me more than the affair itself. I do believe she should tell her husband and let him make the decision to stay or go, but she needs to make it a fair decision for him and she needs to be 100% honest when she does. She has to feel remorse first, not just guilt.


----------

