# End of my sex tether



## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Hi people

First post here, and hoping some of you may have some insight for me please :scratchhead:

Synopsis: together 4 years, living together 3 years, married for 6 months. No sex.

This stopped after getting married.

Husband just doesn't seem interested in sex, or me. The interest level has always been a little up or down, but with the sex added in now I am just finding it hard to carry on.

He gives reasons such as: I'm tired, I'm 40 and these things change. He admits he's never had this problem in previous relationships.

He is addicted to computer games and sits on them from the minute he gets home from work until the minute he goes to bed (usually later than me). Sitting on the sofa 6pm - bedtime.

I sit with him watching tv, surfing the net - anything. And it's driving me slowly mental.

He shows no interest in any of the things I enjoy - and he never has done. He has actually derided them all as silly or boring.

With the sex thing he just can't seem to maintain anything around me. No problems otherwise e.g. porn and helping himself out. Since we got married there is just nothing there. He even came home with viagra a few weeks ago which helped a little but he seems turned off by me.

I've tried probing further, he's said he finds my underwear and my night attire unattractive. I tried putting on something ****ty and he pushed me away.

He's been doing overtime the last couple of weeks and was miserable - so I said this week let's spend Sunday morning in bed, I'll make a gorgeous breakfast and we'll get naughty and spend the morning snuggling together - which he seemed pleased with.

Saturday day he tells me he's going over his friend's house and will stay the night, not coming back til late morning. I said it was a shame we'd be missing our lovely morning together and maybe we could do it next week - he shouted at me saying I was trying to start an argument and said he'd have to get a taxi back so it would cost too much (£10). I said I wasn't starting anything and he stormed upstairs.

He came back this morning and has laid on the sofa all day again. There was no sorry but I'd really like to go cut loose with my friend, can we do it next weekend - just an argument.

I'm feeling pretty destroyed today. I went out with a girlfriend last night and told her how I felt about everything. She was really supportive, especially as this week at work we've been told our review is starting - we're at risk of losing our jobs. I texted my husband at work to tell him and his reply was that he was sorry and we could talk more about it later. He hasn't said a word since.

Good god I've run on forever here. Basically I'm feeling really sad and rejected, and I'm starting to feel lonely in my own home. Does anyone have any suggestions to help please?


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Hi again
Last night after posting we had a huge row. He kept asking if I was feeling annoyed with him or in a mood and he kept on prodding. Eventually I said I had been a little disappointed that he hadn't acknowledged that our little sunday morning together would be fun but was happy that he'd had a good night out. Immediately he started shouting at me saying I'm trying to stop him going out and he shouldn't need to ask permission, and that I was making a big deal out of the proposed Sunday morning.

It did mean a lot to me, because we never have sex anymore.

We got in a fight and he wouldn't listen to me and kept having a go at me and telling me to f*** off, so I told him that when I'd been out the night previously myself and a friend had got into a conversation wtih people at a bar about no sex in marriage. He went nuclear. He threw clothes at me, shook his fist in my face and told me he doesn't want to sleep with me because I'm a fat c**t. He said he's biding his time until we've been married a year so he can divorce me, he regrets marrying me and called me psycho etc etc.

I feel utterly destroyed and lost today. How can anything be resolved or move on? I don't know what to do. Please if someone can give me some advice I'd be really grateful.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to divorce him. Clearly you'll have more sex with him as a single man. But if you are both single, heck, you can find a new SO.

No normal guy in love loses his libido like that. He is either gay, porn addicted or has some other major issue.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> He shows no interest in any of the things I enjoy - and he never has done. He has actually derided them all as silly or boring.


It sounds like you made a big mistake in marrying him. It also sounds like he doesn't want to talk to you about the issues or do anything to fix them.

Give him an ultimatum - work with me to fix our relationship, or I'm filing for divorce. However, only do this if you are able and willing to follow through on it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you have any friends or family that you can lean on right now?

Honestly it sounds like you can take him at his word. For whatever reason he no longer wants to be married and is avoiding you at all costs, both with sexual and emotional intimacy. 

If he doesn't want to be married, unfortunately, there is not much you can do to solve the situation. It takes two people trying to resolve any marriage issue.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Longwalk, why do you say I'd have more sex with him as a single man? 

Why is this happening only 6 months after marriage, and why would he propose and go through with marriage for it to end up like this?

Maybe I'm stupid, but I really am confused by this.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

MissScarlett I completely feel what you're saying, and I have told him that if this is the case (as it's what I feel the truth is), that I'll support us both through splitting up and we can call it a day as friends.

Every time it comes down to it, he doesn't leave. So I kept trying.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

weeble78 said:


> MissScarlett I completely feel what you're saying, and I have told him that if this is the case (as it's what I feel the truth is), that I'll support us both through splitting up and we can call it a day as friends.
> 
> Every time it comes down to it, he doesn't leave. So I kept trying.


The problem is that you are the only one trying. Just because he's behaving like a child and refusing to actually move out of your place doesn't mean he is 'trying' to resolve things.

Everything else he has said (underwear, etc) - excuses.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Well he came to counselling with me once last year after I'd had a miscarriage and we nearly separated due to his behaviour towards me. The counsellor suggested he needed to try and be supportive and pay more attention to the relationship - and he refused to go again. He blames everything on me saying I'm constantly complaining. I do complain about housework as I look after everything while he sits on the sofa, but I try to do it constructively and convey appreciation for whatever he does do.

I'm just struggling to get my head around someone being with someone for 4 years and proposing etc, if really it's not what they want.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sorry but this guy is a loser and he simply wants to manipulate you to be his live in nanny. He does not care about sex or you.

He is attempting to bring you down to his level. You can do better. Split ASAP


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Together 4 years, living together 3 years... I have to guess that you ignored the signs that were right in front of you.

And now he realizes his mistake and has actually told you he's going to divorce you. What are you waiting for???

Chalk this one up to a bad decision on your part and his. Get the divorce and move on with your life.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Weeble - why on earth did you agree to marry him? OK, it sounds like you had sex before marriage, but you said that he has always derided you and your interests. That's no way to have a happy relationship.

I'm very sorry to hear about the miscarriage.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

I agreed to marry him because I have never loved anybody as much as him and nobody has gone to the ends of the earth for me like he used to. I split up with my first love many years ago and was never the same person since. When I met this guy, I suddenly felt like myself again. I became more confident and realised how much in life I'd been missing out on. It was all very romantic and adventurous. 

I'm not perfect myself and have been told by the counsellor that I can be a little controlling.

I also don't know everything there is to know about relationships, and have simply tried my best to create something wonderful. I'd never met someone ever that I wanted to marry or have children with before I met my husband - he made it all so simple.

Is this really as clear cut as everyone else seems to think?

Why would somebody waste all this time on somebody when they could be out there looking for a better match?


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to be on high alert. My husband had the exact same behaviors when he was inVolved in extra marital activity. Working longer hours, demanding the right to spend time away with friends (even overnight), avoiding intimacy in every form with me and picking fights for no reason. 

I maybe jaded but this sounds way too familiar. Investigate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

No one is perfect but this guy is being abusive and cruel. I have to think that maybe you have been way to nice and he is learning that he can simply do whatever he wants.

I do not think that there is any reason he can't go play video games all night with his friend occasionally but his overall behavior seems poor. 

Maybe he is bluffing and he does not really want a divorce but I think you need to stand up for your right to your own happiness because I do not see him getting any better on his own.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

How do I stand up for my right to my own happiness? Does this mean I have to leave him? I just want to have a happy marriage. Could he have married me for the wrong reasons and if so, why doesn't he just leave?

I feel so lost and confused right now. We only met 4 years ago - I don't want to have to start again in my 30's.

How do you know if it's right to leave?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

weeble78 said:


> How do I stand up for my right to my own happiness? Does this mean I have to leave him? I just want to have a happy marriage. Could he have married me for the wrong reasons and if so, why doesn't he just leave?
> 
> How do you know if it's right to leave?


How? I don't know why you aren't already. What's preventing you? I think the concensus here is that you should leave him. How will you know? When you can't take any more - it sounds like you're close to that, and since things will NOT get any better, eventually you may reach that point. If you want a happy marriage, you'll have to find someone else with whom it have it.

He doesn't leave for any of many reasons. He's too lazy to upset the status quo. He can't face looking for another person he can emotionally abuse. He knows he won't find anyone better than you (or anyone at all), even though he feels you're not at all what he wants. He likes things the way they are well enough.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Honestly what's preventing me:

1. I left a man once years ago who I loved deeply, and regretted it for almost ten years. I never felt this way about anyone until I met my husband. I never want to risk feeling this way again.

2. I'm 35. I have no house of my own and no kids. I want a family. Very soon the years and time needed to have children wont add up any more.

That's it.

Another question is, if this guy is emotionally abusive, what's wrong with me that I'm in this position and what's to say the next guy I meet won't be like that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

weeble78 said:


> How do I stand up for my right to my own happiness? Does this mean I have to leave him? I just want to have a happy marriage. Could he have married me for the wrong reasons and if so, why doesn't he just leave?
> 
> I feel so lost and confused right now. We only met 4 years ago - I don't want to have to start again in my 30's.
> 
> How do you know if it's right to leave?


How much clearer does he need to be? He told you straight out. He's just putting in time till you've been married a year so he can divorce you. And apparently, he can behave like a single person in the meantime, so no big deal to him. 

You want to be married to him an awful lot more than he wants to be married to you. I see an awful lot of pain in your life until you come to accept that fact. And start to let go of your fantasy marriage. 

And btw... If you thought starting over in your thirties was bad, consider starting over in your fourties, with kids, a mortgage, etc... It's not any easier then, I can promise that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> How much clearer does he need to be? He told you straight out. He's just putting in time till you've been married a year so he can divorce you. And apparently, he can behave like a single person in the meantime, so no big deal to him.
> 
> You want to be married to him an awful lot more than he wants to be married to you. I see an awful lot of pain in your life until you come to accept that fact. And start to let go of your fantasy marriage.
> 
> ...


Just don't wait around to 50's or 60's... Get on with your life, move on and you will be ok in due time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have to have sex to have kids, and he's not cooperating, it seems. Besides, if all he does outside work is play video games and ignore you, what kind of father would he be? You can always get a sperm donor, but this guy does not sound like good genetic material. You're in a terrible situation to want to bring children into it. I'm no psychologist, but the term "codependent" comes to mind. You can learn from the choices you made, and make better choices the next time - but you have to do some work on yourself, some reading, and perhaps some IC.


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## gluvst (Jan 26, 2014)

Hello Weeble, It seems almost strange to hear of a woman going through what you are as usually it's us guys who feel and can be deprived of the sweet intimacies that marriage is meant to afford. I am going to say a few things that may wrinkle a few noses here, but I don't blieve in candy coating, but I am not one to usually play hard ball either. Also, I am almost never one to encourage a break up but rather, it is much more my style to encourage and uplift and suggest alternatives.

There a couple of things that with all due respect, I suggest that you give your head a shake and take off the rose coloured glasses. I am a bit perplexed that you spent three years with this person ( I'll refrain from the word "man" because I am not so sure that it applies to said person given his treatment of the woman who he supposedly loved and married ) and never found his behavior to be - well - odd? Were you not aware of your different levels of sexual interest before the last while? Love can indeed make us blind but after three years, were there no warning signs that he has no interest in you as a sex partner?

There are things about this that of course, we outsiders do not know such as was he gainfully emplyed beore and/or after youmet him? Are you employed as in do you have a career or means of income that produces a decent revenue stream monthly into your home? Why does he want to wait a year to divorce you? Could it be so that he has claim against you for sposal support? It wouldn;t be the first time that I have heard of some dead beat latching onto a woman who unlike himself, actually had a life and then divorcing her and she ends up supporting him. My appologies if this doesn;t apply to your life.

Do you know anything about his personal life before he met you? Did he date? Did he live with someone? How much do you know about his past and how much can you find out bytalking to old acquaintances of his from before he got together with you? What kind of people did he associate with? Productive, normal people who work for a living or dopers and losers? Sorry to be blunt here, but sometimes you have to call a spade a spade.

You mentioned porn and him getting himself off. Most guys do that at some poing if they are honest but exactly what is it that he is watching? Straight? Bi? Gay? Kink? Or a combination of the foresaid? Based on the little that you have shared, he doesn;t seem to like and most certainly, he doesn't respect women. Who is the friend that hw went to spend most of the night with when he had promised to spend the evening with you and see to your emotional and physical starvation? AGain, with all due respect and I do not know the person, but I'd consider that he likes boys more than girls as being a possibility.

Dear lady, you need to pull your head out of the sand and do it soon, to be quite blunt. Waiting a year for a divorce sends up a huge red flag to me. If it is that bad, get it over with and part. If he is going to have his hands in your pockets, then you'd best be doing some serious research into himand the laws of where you live - see a lawyer and find out what his rights are and what yours are. I am not saying divorce - but learn what your rights are and where you are vulnearble. There are a lot of leaches out there of both sexes who prey upon people who they mislead and many times the victim or the prey unfortunately bond with them and fall in love.

Maybe I am paranoid but there is a lot wrong here and while I pray that I am wrong, unless you do something to determine just who and what this person really is who you are married to, you are going to be taken to the cleaners, gobbled up and spit out. It angers me to read your situation and to feel your hurt and pain because I too know what it is to feel used. Get serious - hire someone to do the research of you must but find out what it is that you are married to. Once you know, you can really make an honest assesmsnet as to whether you want to continue or not trying and hoping for things to get better, or you can rid yourself of what seems to show promise of becoming a leach on your life that you will feed forever. 
You deserve so much better than this and no one deserves or needs to be called names or threatened. No ones perfect and we all have our flaws - make no mistake about that. But by the same token, no one who is capable of looking out and supplying for themselves deserves a free ride on some one else's emotions, love and/or finances. I wish you well and I hope that something that I have said here helps even just a little bit. *HUGGGGGGGS*


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Ok I will try and answer your thoughtful response and questions as fully as possible:

This sex problem has only been since we got married. We’ve had a wild and wonderful sex life, which waned a little when moving in, but has now completely disappeared.

We have both been employed full-time and earn an average wage. I do, however, have some money come from parents which was tied up in a property but now is not. The issue before getting married was that I wanted to get married, he was happy as is. I wanted to move on and buy a house, he wanted in with me. I refused to buy unless married – then the proposal came.

Can he lay any claim to my money if we divorce? I’m in UK.

His last GF he lived with for a year, she loved him, he didn’t love her but wasn’t explicit about that. His ex-fiancee ended up cheating on him and he got into an EA with somebody who ended up not being interested in him. I only know about those two relationships.

He used to smoke weed until we moved in. I hate it and have never wanted to be with a smoker – he said he wanted to give it up but didn’t for a long while, until I said I couldn’t be with him any longer because it changed who he was.

Porn is a sometime thing – and he has tried sharing it with me (it’s just normal one on one really) but it’s not really my thing. His friend he went to see is an old Uni friend who has just got engaged. I dropped him off, and he goes there every now and again when said friend is home alone.

Re the divorce thing, he said he said it to hurt me and doesn’t want to get divorced. Apparently you have to wait a year in UK before you can file? That’s worried me about the money though. I will definitely look into it unless anyone else has any idea.

Basically he lost his temper and says that I wound him up, and he said horrible things to lash out (I responded in kind, because my frustrations lately have just escalated).

I don’t know what to think.

The only odd thing about him is his hatred for his mother. His parents split when he was 12 and they had a horrendous relationship. His dad left for another woman, and his mum stopped him seeing his dad with whom he did not reunite until he was 22. He blamed everything on his mum, and now I know his family fairly well, it seems to be his dad who lets him down more than his mum and I just can’t get my head around this hatred for her.

I have so much to think about. Recently I’ve started to look out for myself again. [email protected] been down since the miscarriage last October and put on a tonne of weight. I started the gym two weeks ago, and a fitness dvd; I’ve applied for new jobs, bought new clothes and started going out with friends more regularly. Also I have posted on here and heard back from you kind thoughtful people. I miss having that in my life.

It’s really helpful to gain perspective through others. People have told me I’m naïve nad it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been taken advantage of. I’m determined not to mess up again.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

What I mean is that you need to set some basic expectations that he should provide for you to be happy. 

Him going over to goof around with a friend occasionally is no big deal as long as he is meeting his responsibilities to keep the house in fairly good shape and give you the love and support you need. 

It could be you both need to learn to communicate calmly without ratcheting up the harsh rhetoric.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You need to speak to a lawyer about the money, ASAP.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Weeble, its likely you just need to focus your efforts on bettering yourself instead of bettering your marriage where he is not trying. Certainly being with a person who treats you this way and makes you feel as you feel has damaged your self esteem greatly. 

You mention this first love and how you didn't feel complete or like yourself until you met your husband. Achieving a good, solid self esteem will make it likely you won't fall into this situation again. It could be that you seek out in relationships how you feel towards yourself. Perhaps you feel unworthy or unimportant and you attract men who treat you this way as well.

I did this as well, earlier in my life. I suffered very much in the relationships I chose to get into. Some people are abusers and are unkind for whatever reason. They need a target and someone that will suffer the abuse and hang in there, not leaving. I wouldn't surprise me if he stuck around until he found another woman to move on to. He's broken you and is now just biding his time, from the sound of it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think he is cheating.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> You need to divorce him. Clearly you'll have more sex with him as a single man. But if you are both single, heck, you can find a new SO.
> 
> No normal guy in love loses his libido like that. He is either gay, porn addicted or has some other major issue.


I totally agree. With such a short timeframe, you can be sure it's not you. It could also be that he was looking for a wife for reasons other than having an intimate relationship.

Just like you sometimes hear about ladies marrying to have a family, have someone care for them, not be alone; men can have the same motivations.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

weeble78 said:


> Hi people
> 
> First post here, and hoping some of you may have some insight for me please :scratchhead:
> 
> ...



When a recently married guy looses interest in sex with his wifee, its because

-* he is seeing someone else*
- he is secretly addicted to porn, cams, sexting, etc.
- he might be gay
- he got married for other reasons and not sex
- he was really a low drive LD guy and after getting married, his true self came out. "Bait and switch"
- some guys do get lower test levels when older, Dr. would fix that with natural supplements and test shots though.
- *perhaps its financial stress? Money issues? He hasn't talked about it much....*

*Sounds like it could be money issues or he is having an affair. Maybe the overtime and spending over night at a friends house is him seeing that other woman???*


If my wifee said, I am going to have a sexy weekend with you, new sexy undergarments, make you food, cuddle, I would be saying......SOLD!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WaitForIt... said:


> You need to be on high alert. My husband had the exact same behaviors when he was inVolved in extra marital activity. Working longer hours, demanding the right to spend time away with friends (even overnight), avoiding intimacy in every form with me and picking fights for no reason.
> 
> I maybe jaded but this sounds way too familiar. Investigate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Totally agree......investigate. If I didn't know any better, these reds flags are him seeing another woman!!!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I consider myself to be a very passionate gamer - when the Halo release comes out at the end of the month I will probably spend a few hours a day for a week or so.

BUT...

It's not something I will do 24/7 and certainly not at the detriment of everyone else around me. 

The guy seems to have serious issues of his own. Issues that somehow he managed to conceal. Maybe he is having second thoughts. But that's not the way to treat anyone, let alone his wife.

Is he in a high stress job? a lot of people unwind via video games but not to that extent.


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## weeble78 (Jan 26, 2014)

Morning everyone
Thank you for your help so far.

So to answer a few more questions, he is in a high stress sales job from which he often comes home stressed and unable to relax. He is doing overtime for a month which all his colleagues are - they have to do a certain number of hours to get a bonus which will go towards a house (if I decide I want to buy with him).

He used to work in the gaming industry and all of his friends are the same with gaming. He didn't used to be AS bad but has recently bought some new football game and can't leave it alone.

He did remind me last night that we went out for a meal two weeks ago and he also bought some viagra to help as he says he doesn't know what's going on. I asked if he'd go to a doctor as I was worried but he got furious about it.

I know he was at his friend's the other night as I saw texts between them both. My husband is furious because he believes I was being sh1tty towards him for going out for the night when I asked him if we could do the thing next weekend and that I was being sarcastic - I wasn't.

I don't like what I'm seeing - and I don't like what I'm hearing from people, but it kind of helps make things clearer. I'm not the best at working out peoples intentions.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

It is possible that he could get his hands on your money, yes. A 50/50 split of marital assets is assumed in cases of long marriage unless either party can give a compelling reason for the split to be different. "He cheated" is not a compelling reason as far as UK courts are concerned; in other words behaviour is not generally taken into consideration.

In your case the marriage is short and I think it likely that money coming from your parents to you would not be counted as marital assets when deciding a split. However the point is arguable and you absolutely need proper legal advice.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

So what are you saying OP, that you want to have kids with this person?

So your personality disordered husband can screw them up too? Misery loves company?

Gee, I bet they'll thank you for that. 

Read up on NPD and love bombing. Your H is likely a user who put on a mask when you were first together, but now that he has you, he expects you to cater to him while he puts in no effort. You can't wish him into being something other than this. Leave.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Did The Narcissist Ever Really Love Me?


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