# Living together - who pays what?



## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

How do you split the bills in a long term living arrangement (be it marriage or not)?

I live with my SO of 3+ years in a home that I just purchased. I make 3x what he makes. He's not ambitious at all, and will probably never make more than he does right now. I work in the financial industry, you'd think I would know better, but we have gotten into the habit of pooling all our money and paying everything from the whole pot. 

That works, mostly. I have grown children from a previous marriage, one that is still in college and I pay rent/car note/insurance/gas/phone for him, while he pays for actual college tuition and books. He also works. I do this because I can afford it. If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't do it.

My SO has a single child in her first year of college. She often asks him for money, gas, tires, etc. This comes out of the pooled money. I am beginning to resent this because he can't afford it, and I have no desire to support his child. If he were living alone he would have to charge these items because he lives paycheck to paycheck. 

Since it is my house, his name is not on the loan, what is a fair way to split costs? I think half of all utilities and 1/3 of the mortgage payment. He would of course pay for all his own gas, insurance, car note, clothing etc etc. And he could use whatever he has left over anyway he likes. 

I've worked hard to be where I am. And I share generously I thought, but buying for his daughter just doesn't work for me. I've tried to develop a relationship with her (even my SO agrees with that) but it just hasn't happened. We are not married, and I have no plans to be married. 

So, how do you share the cost of living together, married or otherwise?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You're thinking is correct. For example if you make 3 times what he does, he should pay AT LEAST 1/4 of the total entire household expenses.

don't let him get away with anything less, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as trouble collecting money from clients, et., but he can make that up when he does get paid.

My wife is a well paid nurse, I am self employed and struggling but I make 40% and she makes 60%, so we split expenses on that %.

You say he is not ambitious, but does he work hard? There is a difference between being not ambitious and being lazy. Non- ambitious people can still be hard workers even if they have no vertical mobility. That's important, because if he is just not ambitious but works hard that that is not necessarily a bad trait.
Being lazy is

Are you committed to him over the long haul (marriage or not)?

Or are you just bidding time waiting for the right time to split?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Your SO child in college. That's a tougher one. Others may have better advice, but my opinion is she is a grown adult. Therefore you should not factor that in to your house-hold expenses.

75% you 25% him. Excluding college $. He's got to foot that bill from what's left over after his 25%.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm. My SO of around 3 years and I are discussing moving in together as well, so the question of finances is a topic of interest to me. I've got two teenagers, she's got no kids. I make about 4 times her income. Just to give you some context...

We haven't discussed how the finances will play out. But I wouldn't expect her to finance my kids college education in any way, even if we end up married. My kids are my responsibility, 100%. If she had kids, I guess I would expect her and her ex to finance their kids education. Might that cause some discrepancies? Perhaps... But the way I see it, even with my kids there might be some discrepancies. If one kid works hard, gets a scholarship at a good school, they will have opportunities the other one might not. Or one might decide to go to trade school instead of college... Doesn't mean I'm going to fork out the same money to each one...

Just some rambling thoughts...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

He is lazy, and he has no ambition. He's the first one to volunteer for time off if his work is slow, the very last one to volunteer for OT. That's part of the problem I have with paying for anything related to his kid. He could afford much more if he were willing to work hard. He does work physically hard at his job, but that's the nature of the job. 

I'm really not thinking that him paying 1/4 is fair. He lives in a beautiful home and has all the benefits of living here. I agree he shouldn't make half the mortgage payment (he has no financial stake in it), but he couldn't rent a cheap one bedroom apartment for less than $1000 around here. I think him paying $500 or $600 of the mortgage ($1900) is fair. I think he should definitely pay 1/2 of all utilities, he uses half of them. His kid even has her own room here.

No, I am not waiting on the perfect time to split. I do love this guy, and at one point I did want to marry him. I've backed away from that, not due to loving him less, but after a lot of thought I realized marriage did not really offer much for me at this time. Maybe I'll change my mind.

We lived together at his house for a year or two, I wanted to get married, buy a house, buy retirement property, etc. I was surprised to learn he did not want to get married. I was hurt and surprised. I really examined why marriage was important to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't need to be married, what I wanted I could do alone, for the most part. So, I went about doing just that.

I wanted to buy a house. His was less than ideal, old, in need of major repairs, not in a great location, etc. So, I bought a house and then he decides that marriage probably IS a good idea. :scratchhead: Sorry, but that horse has left the barn. 

Funny thing about that 180 idea I learned about on this board, it really does work.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Another way to handle this, if he can be honest about it is like I did with my wife before we got married.

That is, I laid out all my monthly expenses. Car, Work expenses, debt payments, taxes, et. Then subtract what i need to live, gas, pocket money (modest). What ever is reasonably left over goes into the household piggy bank.

Period. Can make exceptions for unexpected expenses, but stick to it otherwise.

It can't get any fairer than that. You can't squeeze lemon juice out of an apple.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Laziness is a deal breaker for most people.

He must have other really good qualities to make up for that laziness.

No excuse. Don't work. Don't eat.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

He has to work. There are no options on that, but he is ok with working 30 hours a week if he can get away with it. I'm just not willing to finance his laziness.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why do you want to live with him? Is that necessary? What exactly do you get out of living with him that you wouldn't be able to have together as a couple otherwise? 

A lot of the financial issues would go away if you lived in separate homes, especially as it sounds like you have some major issues with his laziness and you don't want to be funding his daughter's expenses in college.

Since marriage is off the table, I don't even see the point of living together under these circumstances. You can still spend as much time together as you want even if living in separate homes.

Also, look into common law marriage laws in your state. You don't want him to end up with a stake in your home accidentally, I suspect.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also question what you're getting out of this, and what you're hoping/expecting long term. You're enabling his behaviors. 

What do you two do for holidays? Presents? Retirement planning?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

So unless I plan to marry him, I shouldn't live with him? That's not really what I was asking about.

I do have issues with his laziness and I will not fund his daughter's expenses, college or otherwise. I'm asking for advise on how to split our expenses in a fair manner.

No common law marriage in my state.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I'm not hoping for anything more than a happy, healthy, fulfilling life PBear. I'm enabling his behaviours? 

Holidays, I buy gifts for my family, he buys (or doesn't buy) gifts for his family. Not sure why you are asking this?

He's got about half as much as me for retirement.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you asked him what he thinks is fair? Have you tried having this discussion with him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your breakdown doesn't seem unreasonable to me. It's cheaper than if he was on his own, and it's helpful to you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

The first thing you should probably do is talk to an estate planning attorney. It may very well be that if he is contributing to the mortgage, whether he's on the paperwork or not, he could be entitled to equity in your home if you decide to split. He could also have a potential claim if he's paying documented other expenses related to the house. I'm assuming that it is not your intention that he inherit your home should anything happen to you, that your intention is that your assets go to your children if you aren't there. That would need to be decided beforehand and legally documented.

Otherwise, what worked for me and my ex was that we figured out the household bills and we contributed an equal percentage of our pay to the running of the home. I think for the first year or two I made quite a bit less than him, so my contribution was small, in the realm of 30% or so. All that was left after I put 30% of our total household expenses was mine to budget as I wished. We also had an agreement that I would pay for groceries and utilities, that my funds were not to be used toward the mortgage, the home and improvements to that home were his sole responsibility and would remain solely his in the event of a split. He made all mortgage payments through his personal account to make sure that those funds were never co-mingled. We did keep one joint account that we deposited bill money into, but it also only paid utilities and some groceries and other sundries. Personal expenses for either of us didn't come from that account. That was documented in our cohabitation agreeement, our prenup and our wills. 

It's easy enough to figure out ways to split expenses and manage the day to day budgeting, I would strongly advise you to look a step past that and make sure that the decisions don't have unintended consequences.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trudy Abby said:


> I'm not hoping for anything more than a happy, healthy, fulfilling life PBear. I'm enabling his behaviours?
> 
> Holidays, I buy gifts for my family, he buys (or doesn't buy) gifts for his family. Not sure why you are asking this?
> 
> He's got about half as much as me for retirement.


By picking up his slack financially (paying for his daughter's expenses out of pooled money, for example), it means he doesn't have to work full time hours or OT. 

As far as the other things... I can see resentments when you have money to go on a yearly tropical vacation, and he doesn't (and doesn't want to work harder to get it). Or you buy him a really nice Christmas present, and he buys you a $50 gift card... Discrepancies and financial disagreements are a big issue in relationships, and resentments that are allowed to fester are serious concerns. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Gotcha PBear! Thanks for the clarification. You are correct, that's why I'm changing it!

As far as vacations, yes, that's a problem already. In the past I've financed them willingly. And may continue to do so, but I almost have to force him to go, as he feels bad he can't contribute more to the cost. The vacations are ALWAYS my idea. He would never ask or hint about going anywhere, and that's not fun either, to be honest. The whole money issue is such a drag.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I should have mentioned upfront that he does 75% or more of the household chores. He's not a freeloader, but he is lazy. I'm a go-go-go type.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trudy Abby said:


> Gotcha PBear! Thanks for the clarification. You are correct, that's why I'm changing it!
> 
> As far as vacations, yes, that's a problem already. In the past I've financed them willingly. And may continue to do so, but I almost have to force him to go, as he feels bad he can't contribute more to the cost. The vacations are ALWAYS my idea. He would never ask or hint about going anywhere, and that's not fun either, to be honest. The whole money issue is such a drag.


I don't mean to poke holes in your relationship; I know that's not what you were asking about. But...

This is going to get worse. Especially because it's not being dealt with cleanly. Resentments (on both your parts) will build. And as my marriage counselor told me... You can pay for something up front, you can pay for it later, with interest. Which one do you want to do?

I don't know how my SO and I will handle vacations in the future, to be honest. I suspect I'll end up financing the bulk of them (like 75%), and she'll end up paying the 25%. Just as a rough guess, based on our incomes. But in the past, I've (for example) paid for all "joint" vacation expenses (hotel, car rentals, etc) and she's covered a few meals and her airfare. And that was fine by me. If nothing else, those expenses would have been incurred by me anyway, if I made the trip on my own. 

Anyway... I don't know what your solution is... But the problem, I think, is the resentment that is there now, and will continue to build. Right now, I don't resent my SO's financial situation. She works as many hours a week as I do. I just happen to work in a well paying job, and she works for a non-profit group helping get people off welfare. So it's cool between us. You, on the other hand... Oh, and you have the added dynamic that he appears to be building resentment BECAUSE you're better off financially. That's hard for some guys to take. 

Good luck! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I was married forever and we always put all our money in one account. We never had a problem with it at all. The kids in the relationship were ours together, so there was no his/mine in the kid department. 

During the course of our 20+ year marriage, I went from college student to making more than him over that 20 year period. Most of the time money was tight, as it can be when raising children. We still lived in a 3/3 house, drove nice cars, lived in good subdivision. My ex husband was a very hard working 60hrs plus a week man. We never ever vacationed together, couldn't get along, finally divorced, although he would marry me tonight if I'd agree, but that's neither here nor there.

So imagine my surprise to find money to be an issue in a relationship that I'm very happy in otherwise. That was a rude awakening.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

We just share everything.Our rule is we never take vacation days unless the other person does too or unless we have an appt.We don't leave work early and use our vac time unless we're very sick.Our time is saved for each other no matter how lazy we're feeling on any given day.

As far as money goes...we're both on all accounts. Our mortgage is deducted from the account with the bank that holds the loan. All of his checks go into that account bc we just throw extra money at the mortgage as often as possible. He uses his credit card for anything he needs when we aren't with each other such as gas for his car. All of our utilities including cable and car ins and my expenses get paid on my reward card. 
I deposit my check into an account that is attached to our savings. Every month I pay off the credit cards to $0 and transfer the rest to savings.
Oh,and I pay my son's dad money every month to help out w/my son.That comes from the checking account that I deposit my check into.

lol sounds complicated but it runs smoothly


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

PBear said:


> ....
> 
> This is going to get worse. Especially because it's not being dealt with cleanly. Resentments (on both your parts) will build. And as my marriage counselor told me... You can pay for something up front, you can pay for it later, with interest. Which one do you want to do?......
> 
> ...


You know I'm stealing this one! 

I honestly value your opinion - how would you suggest dealing with it cleanly? I want to stop the resentment build up, I can feel it and I don't like it. And I really dislike paying interest.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Scarlet - Is there a noticeable difference in your salaries?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> Scarlet - Is there a noticeable difference in your salaries?


yes,I make significantly more than he does.That's why I pay for our lifestyle and pad our savings while he handles the mortgage.It's just easier that way for us.It gives both people a feeling of equal importance regardless of salary differences. We agreed on an amount we're allowed to put on our credit cards for frivolous things for ourselves and we never go over that amount.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trudy Abby said:


> You know I'm stealing this one!
> 
> I honestly value your opinion - how would you suggest dealing with it cleanly? I want to stop the resentment build up, I can feel it and I don't like it. And I really dislike paying interest.


For me and my SO, I think we'll be sitting down and having a financial discussion prior to moving in together. Having an open discussion, hopefully starting with a clean slate and working out a mutually agreeable framework. We will have an added complication that she will be bringing in a substantial lump sum to the relationship that I don't have, but I have much larger monthly income. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## footballguy89 (Dec 22, 2013)

What the simplest and most fair ways to split the bills and mortgage (given he doesn't believe in the 40 hour work week) is add your hourly wages together and figure out each other's percentage for the fixed expenses.

So if he makes $20/hour and you make $60, he pays for 25%. If he works less than 40 hours, he would struggle a bit and rightfully so. Just like you struggle to work those extra 10 hours to hit 40 hours for the week.

One huge incentive is each person keeps their OT. Whoever gave up their free time gets rewarded. Want to spend more money? Work OT to help cover your extra costs that you want.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

In this situation I would consider pooling money in such a way that it's equal. You both put in equal amounts into an account for all household expenses. He pays you a weekly amount for rent which should just go directly to you, not the household expenses account, since it's your house and your mortgage, unless you want him to own part of it. Your mortgage payment would of course come from your own money. All household bills like groceries, electricity, gas, water, rates etc should be paid from the household expenses account.

Money that is distributed to your children comes from your own personal money, not from the household expenses account.

I would total the cost of all household expenses and figure out a weekly amount and split it evenly. The remainder of your money should go into your own personal accounts.

Edited to add: This way if you run out of money in the household expenses account you both know you either need to cut your expenses or you both add more per week. If one of you pays for something out of the account that is outside the scope, that person owes that money and needs to pay it back from their own personal savings. I just think this would work better than splitting this bill and that bill and figuring out percentages of each etc.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trudy Abby said:


> I should have mentioned upfront that he does 75% or more of the household chores. He's not a freeloader, but he is lazy. I'm a go-go-go type.


I see this characterization as a huge problem. Him doing 75% or more does not say lazy to me. It may be that he has different values than you do. That perhaps he likes have some down time to relax and enjoy. That he works to live, not lives to work. What you call a go-go-go type he may be secretly referring to as a workaholic.

This sounds like you don't respect him. That is a problem that will remain regardless of how you end up handling your finances.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I should have said 75% of the chores that are left over after having the house professionally cleaned 2x a month and the all the yard work professionally done. I do all the cooking. He does do 75% of the left over part. I don't really considering cooking a chore, I enjoy it. 

Just because he has a different work ethic does not mean I don't respect him. I do. But I'm not going to finance his child's support because I make more money. And that is why I posted, to get an idea of how other people handle money issues.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Talk to a lawyer. 

In some states, 10 years becomes a common law marriage. At that point, if you have commingled assets you will have huge financial exposure. 





Trudy Abby said:


> How do you split the bills in a long term living arrangement (be it marriage or not)?
> 
> I live with my SO of 3+ years in a home that I just purchased. I make 3x what he makes. He's not ambitious at all, and will probably never make more than he does right now. I work in the financial industry, you'd think I would know better, but we have gotten into the habit of pooling all our money and paying everything from the whole pot.
> 
> ...


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I was going to say the same. 

In your situation I agree you should not have to pay for his daughter's expenses. 

However, I would be more concerned with my home. I wouldn't mix my funds with anyone and have them pay a portion of my mortgage. He may have no legal right to the property 10 years down the road but he most certainly can claim that he contributed to the mortgage payments and helped you buy your house and he is left with nothing at the end of the relationship. 

Perhaps it would be better for you to pay the mortgage and have him pay utilities.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trudy Abby said:


> I should have said 75% of the chores that are left over after having the house professionally cleaned 2x a month and the all the yard work professionally done. I do all the cooking. He does do 75% of the left over part. I don't really considering cooking a chore, I enjoy it.
> 
> Just because he has a different work ethic does not mean I don't respect him. I do. But I'm not going to finance his child's support because I make more money. And that is why I posted, to get an idea of how other people handle money issues.


I don't disagree with you about not wanting to pay his child support. That seems pretty reasonable. I would like to ask how were things split when you lived at his house for those first couple of years and how did that arrangement work for you?

But you called him lazy a number of times. Your posts certainly don't make it sound like you think much of him. He has no ambition. He should work harder at his job. Despite a job that requires physical hard work, he still does more than his share of the chores around the house. But he is lazy. And you note numerous times that you won't fund his laziness. I don't see any respect for him anywhere (heck, you show more respect for your hard working ex than you do your bf). I see that as a problem, but you are certainly not obligated to address it if you don't want.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Would you respect him more if you weren't the primary breadwinner? I see this happen often.Other tam ladies have admitted they'd lose respect if their partner made significantly less than them.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Scarlet - I made more than my ex husband as well. Doesn't bother me in the least. 

The ONLY thing that bothers me is finding an equitable split of our living costs, so that I'm in no way obligated to fund his child. That's truly the only issue I have. I don't care how many hours he works or doesn't work, how much he spends on his child or doesn't spend, how much he saves or doesn't save. His financial situation is not my business so long as he fulfills his financial obligations that directly effect me. I really don't know any other way to say this. I stupidly mixed our finances together, and now I'm trying to find a fair way to untangle it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I understand where you're coming from on that one. You've got your work cut out for you when it comes to unsnarling your finances from his.The only thing you can do is be straight with him."look I love you but I don't want to pay for your offspring.We need to separate things so I don't begin resenting the situation."

He HAS to understand you don't want your money going toward his responsibilities.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> I was going to say the same.
> 
> In your situation I agree you should not have to pay for his daughter's expenses.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure why it would matter if he has no legal right?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He seems to think living together means it's like a marital situation where everything is in one pot. Time to wake him up and make him understand that you are not the stepmom to his kid at this point therefore none of your money should go toward caring for his kid.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> I'm not sure why it would matter if he has no legal right?


you may be required to reimburse him for his financial contributions to the mortgage.Unless you have a rental agreement and make him your tenant


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Yes Scarlet I do have my work cut out for me. And you are right, that conversation has to happen asap.

At least now I have a quasi-plan.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Nah on that reimbursement idea. He's contributing to his own living expenses. That's just not hard to see.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's not hard to see that if he weren't paying towards your mortgage, he'd be paying rent somewhere. However, that's the viewpoint now. While things are relatively good. Without precautions taken otherwise, it could be an entirely different story. And frankly, rightly so. 

Imagine if 5 or 10 years down the line you break up. Thanks in part to his contribution, you will have equity in your home and most likely increased value in the home overall. He on the other hand has been paying toward that equity, but is now looking at leaving the joint home and having to either rent or buy something new for himself. He's facing both a big outlay and the opportunity cost of having contributed to a household for a number of years with no return on his investment.

While we would hope that he'd abide by your handshake deal, he would be completely within his rights to petition to recover some of his capital investment. If the breakup is nice and smooth, there would probably be no problem. However, if things turned ugly....he could potentially put you in a position where you would have to sell your home to repay his investment.

You have homeowner's insurance for the structure itself, right? I'm just suggesting that it might be worth talking to an attorney and making sure your agreement with each other stands up over time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trudy Abby said:


> The ONLY thing that bothers me is finding an equitable split of our living costs, so that I'm in no way obligated to fund his child. That's truly the only issue I have. I don't care how many hours he works or doesn't work, how much he spends on his child or doesn't spend, how much he saves or doesn't save. His financial situation is not my business so long as he fulfills his financial obligations that directly effect me. I really don't know any other way to say this. I stupidly mixed our finances together, and now I'm trying to find a fair way to untangle it.


What was the arrangement when you were living in his house?


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I think you are wrong about the house issue, but I will check with an attorney Monday.

Thanks for heads up.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

With my ex and I, once we agreed on the terms of living together with regard to the property, it wasn't ever an issue again. We rolled the same terms over into each successive agreement (cohab, prenup and separation) and even through the divorce it wasn't an issue. We just signed at the lawyers office and filed it with the other important papers.

The way I see it, I have advanced directives and a power of attorney completed and on file in spite of the fact that I don't ever expect to be on life support. Better to have it and never need it than to need it and not have it. Even more so when you're talking about an asset that has not only considerable monetary value, but emotional value as well.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Has your partner ever raised the issue? Has he discussed the fact that you are contributing towards funding his child? 

Personally I would see it as an issue if he is happy to let you pay his and his childs way in life, it is not a good trait.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Why don't you buy some rental property. since he only works 30 hours at his current job, he could take over that as well. If you two stay together, you just have more assets. If you split up, he could take the rental property and do as he pleases.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My buddy has had a couple LTR with women and they lived at his house. 

What he did was pay the mortgage, taxes on the house and property and utilities which were all in his name and his GF paid for the food and a few other things.

His reason was that if something happened and the relationship hit the skids, she couldn't make any claims on his property since she didn't pay for anything. Hope this helps.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My math is different. You make 3x what he makes - that equates to him paying 1/3 of the mortgage and not 25%. You're wanting to un-join the finances so the 75 and 25 ratio doesn't add up.

Even at 1/3 he'd be hard pressed to rent a 2 bedroom apt for $634/mo. Bet he's kicking himself now that he didn't want to get married when he had the chance.

Frankly, I don't see how you're going to work out the vacations etc.
unless you go and he stays home. Lots of landmines to tiptoe around. Also, don't be surprised if he continues to provide for his daughter and his contributions to the house go by the wayside.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> My math is different. You make 3x what he makes - that equates to him paying 1/3 of the mortgage and not 25%. You're wanting to un-join the finances so the 75 and 25 ratio doesn't add up.
> 
> If my wife makes $75,000/year and I make $25,000/year, she makes 3 times what I do.
> 
> ...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You never agreed to pay for his kid, right? That's how the relationship started, yet this seems to have bled into where you are today. Time for a reset -- "Honey, we need to go back to the original deal. I can't afford to finance your kid's adventures. If there's an emergency, I'm there for you and for your kid. But this day-to-day stuff was never part of our deal. We need to change it."


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I may have missed some info, but can you not have just one joint account into which each contributes an amount proportional to earnings, and this uniquely for household/couple expenses, and keep the rest separate? That way, if he has money left for his daughter, great he can pay, and if he doesn't too bad...

The dynamic of the situation would irk me, that's why I sound a bit harsh...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> > My math is different. You make 3x what he makes - that equates to him paying 1/3 of the mortgage and not 25%. You're wanting to un-join the finances so the 75 and 25 ratio doesn't add up.
> ...


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Why don't you buy some rental property. since he only works 30 hours at his current job, he could take over that as well. If you two stay together, you just have more assets. If you split up, he could take the rental property and do as he pleases.


Why in the world would I buy rental property to give to him if we split up?


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Omego said:


> ..... he has money left for his daughter, great he can pay, and if he doesn't too bad...
> 
> The dynamic of the situation would irk me, that's why I sound a bit harsh...


No you do not sound harsh. It's just the facts! I think the same thing. Well maybe that makes me harsh too? I've been told that a time or two. :rofl:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Trudy Abby said:


> Why in the world would I buy rental property to give to him if we split up?


That had me:scratchhead:, too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, I'd have kicked him out by now.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

6301 said:


> My buddy has had a couple LTR with women and they lived at his house.
> 
> What he did was pay the mortgage, taxes on the house and property and utilities which were all in his name and his GF paid for the food and a few other things.
> 
> His reason was that if something happened and the relationship hit the skids, she couldn't make any claims on his property since she didn't pay for anything. Hope this helps.


I agree with this approach. Home owner pays for 100% of mortgage, property taxes, capital improvements. Non-equity partner pays for 50% of all family expenses (perhaps excluding vacations at your option).


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

I think that a proportional split only makes sense.

We are MARRIED and I was considering changing to a proportional split before we decided to separate.

I net almost 4x what he does so we are close to a 20/80 split.

So for easy numbers sake...say together you net $4000. 

He nets $1000 and you net $3000. That's a 25%/75% split.

Say your total household expenses (mortgage, utilities, food, other bills like cable, internet, etc) come to $3000 (just using round numbers here)...he has to contribute 25% of that amount or $750. 

From there...you can either 

ask for $750 per month and pay all of the bills yourself.

"assign" $750 worth of bills to him; e.g. he pays all utilities 

I love my (minor) stepkids to death but the reality is, my husband pays $1500 in child support and only brings home under $1000. There is no additional money in the pot for them. He needs to earn extra money if he wants to do extra for them. I have my own biological kids (that are not his) to support. 

It sounds harsh but it really isn't...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, it's logical.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

IMO, if your married then finances should be joint. I make 3x what the wife does. We both put 90% of our checks into a joint account. 10% goes into individual accounts for hobbies and such.

All bills, and expenses come out of the joint account. We don't worry about her money and my money, it's all our money.

Now, if your not married. I'd do a typical roommate split and just divide up the bills and such.


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## Phil Landers (Apr 26, 2014)

Truly Abby said:


> How do you split the bills in a long term living arrangement (be it marriage or not)?
> 
> I live with my SO of 3+ years in a home that I just purchased. I make 3x what he makes. He's not ambitious at all, and will probably never make more than he does right now. I work in the financial industry, you'd think I would know better, but we have gotten into the habit of pooling all our money and paying everything from the whole pot.
> 
> ...



I have a job chart for my wife. She makes $2.00 spending money for doing the bed, $5.00 for doing the dishes. I give her $20.00 for having sex. It works really good. If she does not do what I say she makes no money. Set up a similar system for your SO.


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

With my partner of 2.5yrs, he works 3wks out of the month away and earns 5x what I earn. I work part-time as well as have my own business and work as much as I can with 2 children in school. SO knows I earn as much as I'm able while the kids are young. How we do our finances is I pay for my children's expenses,my car/fuel,business expenses, weekly living expenses while SO pays rent, utilities and any activities we do when he's home. He's also paying for an O/S trip later in the year for us both (there's no way I could fund a holiday). SO has also given me a credit card in case I ever need it as he works away and if anything comes up that I can't pay for.ie; vet bills,things he wants me to purchase for him while he's away etc.

I have always paid my way as much as I can and he's happy knowing I do as much as I can….when the kids are older I will be able to work more hours therefore earn more.

Working the way I do enables me to work less the week he is home each month as if I worked a regular job/hrs I wouldn't see him at all.


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