# My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore



## Scottlati (Sep 14, 2015)

I am in my early 30’s and my wife is in her late 20’s. We have been married now for just under 2 years. My wife recently informed me that she no longer feels sexually attracted to me. She told me that she still finds me attractive and still loves me, but she no longer has any sort of sexual feelings towards me. This wasn’t a statement that I wanted to hear, but after how this year has been unfortunately didn’t surprise me too much. 
A little background on our relationship. After we first met, we struggled to have a good sex life. We had what seems like a million different road blocks in our way. Before we met, I was single for a significant amount of time, after getting out of an on-and-off relationship where my previous partner had cheated on me multiple times. This did a lot to my self-confidence and may have played a small role in our sexual problems. On top of this, I was also addicted to porn. I had no idea that this would affect me in the bedroom, and after realizing what it had done to me sexually, stopped. When I would have trouble performing in the bedroom, I often felt both embarrassed and like I was letting my wife down. This then lead me to not seek sex with my wife and only have sex when she confronted me about it. I had a couple minor relapses, in which I had lied to my wife about at first but have not had any since. Now to make matters even worse, I was also recently diagnosed with low testosterone.
On top of my problems, my wife had a minor surgery to remove some cancerous cells on her cervix. After this happened, whenever we had sex, it caused her some pain. I wanted to have sex with her, but I didn’t want to at the expense of her pain. This is another factor that lead me to not reach out and attempt to have sex with her. I completely waited for her to make the move. 
My wife and I have been having chats on and off over the past year about our sexual problems and other problems due to my lack of motivation to help around the house and to complete projects. I had struggled mightily in both areas, almost leaving my wife to fend for herself. When we spoke about the sexual aspect of our relationship, she mentioned that she wanted me to be more assertive and more of the starter when it came to our sex life instead of her having to start it all the time. At this point, you can probably see my problem. I have wanted to have sex with my wife, but didn’t want to feel embarrassed or cause her pain. On top of this problem, the few times that I attempted to start something with her, she backed me away and told me that she couldn’t have sex then because she wasn’t prepared. (This didn’t happen all the time. I only attempted this a couple times.) 
I focused mainly on helping around the house and working on projects instead of working on both. In hind-sight, I should have focused on both or possible jus the sexual aspect of our relationship, but I didn’t. 
I have recently started taking a testosterone replacement drug, and am feeling like I did when I was in my early 20’s. I am full of motivation and full of sexual desire. 
The problem that I am having now might be a case of too little too late. I do not want my marriage to end. I truly love my wife and want things for us to get better. We are going to be starting to go to marriage counseling this week. I am looking forward to this and am really hoping that this will help us, but I just asked my wife last night what her complete outlook for this situation is and she told me that she wants it to work but that she isn’t holding out any hope. 
I do not know where to go from here. I hope that some counseling can help us but I am not sure if we are too far gone. Any advice for helping re-start our marriage or helping me come up with a way to make my wife feel sexually attracted to me would be helpful.

Thank you and many apologies for this extremely long winded message. 

Scott


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fortunately female sexuality is fairly fluid and she can become attracted to you again. I've actually had my wife tell me that she was not attracted to me at one point a few years back. Here is my advice:

- Work on your overall health and make sure that she sees you caring about yourself (and her).

- DON'T make all your arguments about sex. If anything, argue about anything else other than sex. Placing too much focus on sex during arguments may make her feel like a sexual object and give the gesture that you do not care about her as a person. 

- Be romantic in ways that show you have an absurd amount of self confidence!!!! An example might be to get a haircut and brag about how awesome it looks and that women in the grocery store next door were racing to help you check out at the register for a bottle of wine and begged to help you to let them help you carry it out to the car! (even if they didn't)

- Try to be fun to be around!!!!

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Confidence is sexy. Sense of humor is sexy. Domination is sexy. Being asked " wanna...?" Ain't sexy!
@badsanta is right, your wife can get it back. In fact women can get it, lose it, get it, lose it, all throughout their marriage. Right now she can't see it because of all the damn roadblocks you two have had to cope with.

Get the book 
http://www.amazon.com/Just-****-Me-...1442257389&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=JuAt+****+me

And 

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captiv...442257432&sr=1-1&keywords=mating+in+captivity

Read them cover to cover and have your wife read them.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Scottlati;

You have gotten some great advice.

May I suggest a couple more books for you after you have done your initial reading.

First, Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Second Chapman's 5 Languages of Love.

If you can, also get a copy of MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage or one of her Divorce Busting books.

My next suggestion is that you work on "Getting a Life." By that loose weight or step up your exercise and get really fit. Exercise helps counteract depression and will put you in a better mode.

Start doing interesting things that bring you happiness. Don't look to your wife for all your validation or happiness. As was pointed out, begging for sex or affection is not sexy.

Apologize to your wife for hurting her. Trust me, even if you didn't think you did anything wrong, she probably is angry at you over something. If you can resist any urge to yell back, ask her about the lack of sex and tell her that you realize you shouldn't have withdrawn from her.

Ask her if after her cervix operation if that combined with a lack of sex from you made her question her role as a woman? Tell her that you didn't want to physically hurt her and yet you now realize that by withdrawing, you may have emotionally hurt her.

Finally, I would suggest that the two of you try some really good marriage counseling. I prefer sex therapists over regular marriage counselors if there is any kind of sexual issues and there seems to be some from what you posted.

Good luck. There are several people here who were in Sex Starved Marriages, close to divorce and found a way to reconcile. It will be hard work and take time, but it is sometimes possible.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> - Try to be fun to be around!!!!


Seriously, this is the best piece of advice on this subject. There's nothing more mood-killing than not being fun to be around. Doesn't matter what gender you are, either.

I am only just now coming out of a 4 year funk with my wife, and it can basically be attributed almost entirely to the above statement. I didn't listen to the advice given here on TAM, or to what my wife was telling me (in a round about way). But it's right there above my reply.

Sex problems are almost always a relationship problem. And we men, being the neanderthals we are, tend to focus solely on the sex problem, not what caused it, nor what can actually fix it.

It ends up being a cycle that's difficult to get out of at first, but once that light bulb goes off, it's not difficult.

FYI, the more you talk about the subject with your wife, the more anxiety it causes both of you, and the less you'll have.

It took me years to understand this. Don't be me.


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## Scottlati (Sep 14, 2015)

I would like to thank everyone for their advice. It really give me some hope. We have a counseling appointment set up for next week Wednesday and I really hope that we can get some help and save our marriage. 
One dynamic about our situation is that do not fight or anything like that. Outside of the sexless marriage situation, we have an extremely good relationship. My wife has told me time and time again that she does find me attractive, just not in a sexual way. She told me last night that she equates the amount of sexual desire towards me very similarly as that towards one of her best guy friends. (A gay man that she does not have any sexual feelings towards).
It is very difficult to be fun to be around with all of this looming in my head, but I am attempting to not let this get in the way. I still try to do things that are fun and romantic towards my wife. I agree that the more we sit down and discuss this together, the harder it is.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It sounds like you have fallen into a bit of depression and complacency. Time to shake that up. Sounds like the testosterone is really helping.

You need to be a man who can kick ass and take names. By that I mean take charge of life. I don't mean be a bully, but be a 'take action' kind of guy. It's super sexy. You might not naturally be an ambitious sort of guy but it's time to 'just do it'. Any time you find yourself sitting, get up. Fix something, clean something, work out. Get some energy about your person. Be enthusiastic about your career, your home, your wife, etc. 

It ties in to being the kind of person she likes to be around. Happy, enthusiastic people who accomplish things are attractive! Shleppy people who mope, move slowly, do the bare minimum and otherwise ruminate about life are not. If you love and respect one another as human beings, you are ahead of the curve. Getting your sexy back is the next step. And yes, take charge there, too. No, you don't want to hurt her. But if you do so in the throes of passion because you just love her and think she's so darn sexy... well she won't blame you for the discomfort - she'll feel flattered. She might want to follow up with her doctor just to be safe, though.


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

I'm not sexually attracted to you is the same statement as "I love you but I'm not in love with you!" Typically when you hear that statement your wife already has her eye on someone and wants you out of the way or she already has someone. I would go 007 for about a month and see if there is someone else. You can find lists of what to do on weightlifter's thread (check email, FB, GPS location, phone records, credit statements for gas outside your local area, VAR, is her phone locked down, dating apps? etc). Take a large sample size of evidence and don't confront on the first flirty email you find because if she is having any kind of affair she will take it underground and if it's with someone at work good luck trying to expose that. 

Hopefully, you'll find nothing. Regardless, saddle up and work on yourself. Hit the gym, buy new clothes, get a new hair style, take up manly sports, buy a motorcycle, be awesome and have fun. Whether single or trying to win your wife's attraction back you want to be the best you period!!!


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Can't like the post above enough........

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer(MMSLP) by Athol Kay. 

Work on yourself; workout(lift heavy), lose some fat, read, change your wardrobe, get a new haircut, whiten your teeth, advance your career, pick-up a hobby, etc. Look up some old friends, get out and socialize WITHOUT your wife. 

Be the best YOU that YOU can be!

If your wife still isn't sexually attracted to you after all you've done, then at that point it's on her. If your marriage should eventually fall apart you'll be in the best position to replace her with someone who IS sexually attracted to you.

You aren't going to like this advice but at your age I'd be thinking about what my life would be without her. You should be in the BEST years of your marriage. Life is sure to become more difficult in the years ahead of you(i.e. children, money, family issues/deaths, more serious health problems). Are you certain that your wife is the person you can trust as your partner when you need to face these issues? Is your wife a rock, the spouse that will stand by you when you fall down(and some day you will fall down, we all do)?


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

You have received much, much, good advice so far, including not to rule out that she has her sights set on someone else. One thing I would point out is that the author Athol Kay mentioned above maintains is that even if you work to get the intimacy back, your ceiling is what the intimacy was like in the beginning. And by your own admission even then it was never very good. And I know you (and she) have reasons to explain that away in your own minds. But I can tell you none of those situations would have stopped most couples from going after each other hot and heavy for an extended period at the start.You guys never did. 
I know this is something you don't want to hear but you need to realistically understand what your range of outcomes look like. Take stock of your situation before you decide this is what you want to live with the rest of your life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

hospitality said:


> I'm not sexually attracted to you is the same statement as "I love you but I'm not in love with you!" Typically when you hear that statement your wife already has her eye on someone and wants you out of the way or she already has someone. I would go 007 for about a month and see if there is someone else. You can find lists of what to do on weightlifter's thread (check email, FB, GPS location, phone records, credit statements for gas outside your local area, VAR, is her phone locked down, dating apps? etc). Take a large sample size of evidence and don't confront on the first flirty email you find because if she is having any kind of affair she will take it underground and if it's with someone at work good luck trying to expose that.
> 
> Hopefully, you'll find nothing. Regardless, saddle up and work on yourself. Hit the gym, buy new clothes, get a new hair style, take up manly sports, buy a motorcycle, be awesome and have fun. Whether single or trying to win your wife's attraction back you want to be the best you period!!!




Sure. Hubby doesn't shower, brush his teeth, have a job, and he whines all the time. But the fact that I'm turned off must be because I have someone else.

I know it's hard to believe but there are reasons we are turned off by our partners that have nothing to do with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scottlati (Sep 14, 2015)

Once again, thank you for all the advice. To clear a couple things up, I do not have any fear that my wife has someone else or has someone else on her mind. Outside of the sexual aspect (or lack thereof) in our relationship we have a fantastic relationship. We do not fight or yell at each other. We have both respect for each other as well. 
As far as the whole cleaning up and getting into shape aspect, I am a fairly clean individual and am not out of shape. 
I did struggle with depression for a long part in our relationship and I do really believe that it has not helped at all with this issue. I am feeling much better since starting my testosterone treatments. I really regret not actively pursuing this earlier. I did attempt to get treatment before but the doctor I had told me that I didn’t have a problem. Looking back, I should have sought a second opinion.
I have been putting in a huge effort over the past month to do things for my wife to make her happy. In turn, I am finding great happiness in doing little things for her i.e. buying flowers, helping around the house, edible arrangement, making her dinner etc.
I understand that I need to find some “me” time and focus some energy with that. I have a hard time doing this because of my busy schedule, but am going to look for some activities that I can do and enjoy without having to bring my wife along.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I too had my wife tell me that she was not sexually attracted to me. She wasn't for seven years. It was a mixture of me being a beta male, suffering from PTSD, and she felt like she had to nurture me, like I was a child. She was also on Yaz. All of these things went into the pot of her unwillingness to have much to do with me. I can count on one hand the number of times she initiated sex in seven years. Long story short, I had a vasectomy; she got off of Yaz. I now work out six days a week on average. I am in pretty good shape. She is attracted to me more now because I am more assertive. I have replaced my addictions with healthy actions like exercise. I am no longer a child in her eyes. Sure, I still have PTSD. I choose to combat that with exercise, instead of pills. I no longer whine about a lack of intimacy. I also changed my job, a more dangerous job. I am looked at as a provider now. Work on you, physically, bro. If you're already in decent shape, get in more decent shape.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Scottlati said:


> Once again, thank you for all the advice. To clear a couple things up, I do not have any fear that my wife has someone else or has someone else on her mind.


And you shouldn't - at least not to start with, anyway.

Generally speaking, those types of things come later on, once the spouse has been unattracted to you for a long time. Eventually they will require their needs to be met and may go elsewhere.

While the advice to be wary now isn't unsound, I also wouldn't jump to conclusions like that right away. There seems to be a lot more going on here (there usually is), and you have to remember the forum in which you're posting looking for advice. Infidelity is a touchy subject around here, for good reason, but it also tends to wind up being the "catch-all" diagnosis for even the most minor of marital/sexual problems.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She repeatedly begged you to be an active participant in the marriage. Nobody lowers a bucket down a dry well forever. You've given her very little reason to imagine that she's important enough to you for you to make serious changes. On the bright side, she hasn't left you let, so the ball is in your court (as it has always been). You don't need to ask your wife or us what the future prospects of your marriage are. You either will be a worthy partner or you won't. She's told you why she is unhappy. Her basic complaint is that you are too passive and take her wishes for granted. Considering her complaints and your stated goals, is spending time on this forum the best use of your time? Isn't it a little like porn; a passive activity that you might get something out of but does nothing for her?


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Scottlati said:


> I have been putting in a huge effort over the past month to do things for my wife to make her happy. In turn, I am finding great happiness in doing little things for her i.e. buying flowers, helping around the house, edible arrangement, making her dinner etc.
> 
> I understand that I need to find some “me” time and focus some energy with that. I have a hard time doing this because of my busy schedule, but am going to look for some activities that I can do and enjoy without having to bring my wife along.



One thing I found out fairly quickly (with the help of TAM'ers) in trying to turn things around in my sex starved marriage was that I was pouring a lot of energy into trying to make her happy. Huge displays of love, over the top acts of service, etc. It was completely PUSH in trying to regain her desire. However, this was very hard to maintain and it led to resentment from me when unreciprocated. I needed a PULL mentality. I then started to work more on myself, being more interesting, getting even more fit, and finding my OWN happiness rather than trying to always look to her for happiness and gauging my mood by her mood. I actually try to need nothing from her. I am my own person with my own outlook independent of her. It shifted the balance and I believe this made me more attractive to not only her but to everyone (including myself).


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sure. Hubby doesn't shower, brush his teeth, have a job, and he whines all the time. But the fact that I'm turned off must be because I have someone else.
> 
> I know it's hard to believe but there are reasons we are turned off by our partners that have nothing to do with someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a huge difference in not wanting to have sex with your husband because he doesn't have a job, gained some weight or whines all the time and a wife who says "I'm not attracted to you" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you." You can search TAM or a dozen other sites and when you hear these statements it almost always means the same thing. When a spouse gets a job, gets in shape or stops whining all the time the sex returns absent an affair.

So for OP I hope his wife just needs him to alpha up and be someone a woman can be attracted to. The action a person takes to restore attraction when an affair is taking place and the action one takes when attraction just needs to be restored are black and white. OP has set the stage for his wife to have a PA, he hasn't looked at all because they are such great friends and now he is going more beta which says he is completely lost. Any guy looking to hook up she fits the vulnerable profile. 

Hopefully he is the exception to the rule but his progress with be futile if an EA or PA is in existence while he tries to improve.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I would agree that your wife flat out saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore" is pretty extreme.

Most of the time, it's more like "I'm not in the mood tonight."

If it has reached this level there may not be any going back.

The advice to work on yourself is great, but make sure your focus is doing things to build yourself up, not just performing tricks to please her.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Scottlati said:


> ....We have a counseling appointment set up for next week Wednesday
> 
> ....My wife has told me time and time again that she does find me attractive, just not in a sexual way.
> 
> ...





Scottlati said:


> .... We have both respect for each other as well.
> 
> As far as the whole cleaning up and getting into shape aspect, I am a fairly clean individual and am not out of shape.
> 
> ...


Great for counseling. I am glad your HRT is helping.

If you are in shape then finding some outdoor hobbies that you do to make you happy should be easier.

I am not really sure that your W does respect you, at least not in the way that a man wants to be respected by a woman. She may respect your paycheck, she may respect your willingness to fix things for her, respect you as a friend she can rely upon, or respect you not actively hurt her, but not really respect you as a man or husband.

As to doing things for her, that is a really good step. However, you need to always ask yourself what is your motivation. As a former Nice Guy, it was hard not to tie doing something for my wife into a covert contract. I eventually figured out what unconditional love was and then didn't have to worry about covert contracts. 

You also need to figure out some 180's to do that will change the dynamic between the two of you in areas where you have problems. 

In counseling, you might ask what your wife feels your relationship will be like in 10 or 20 years if there is no sexual attraction on her part and no or little sex between you? 

If you find it hard to sit down with her to talk about things, it is because change is very hard and you might both be afraid of change but for different reasons. Gottmans refer to this as grid lock issues. They and Schnarch urge heavy negotiations that are sole rendering and require a lot of skills at knowing when to stop the discussion to let emotions/fears settle down.


Good luck.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is basically a "I love you but not in love with you." That is not good. You need to check that she's not already emotionally involved with a coworker. I don't know how many threads I've read where the man says that they get a long but the sex is missing when it turns out the wife is banging someone.

Like others have said it's time to go James Bond to make sure. A var (voice activated recorder) velcroed to the bottom of the passenger seat of her car can get you the info you need within a few days. Talking to an OM or a girlfriend about an OM is usually done on the commute to or from work. 

While you're doing some digging you need to really work on upping your game. You said you're in ok shape. Well that's not good enough in your situation. Also work on your style: clothes, hair, hygiene, ETC.
Get busy with manly hobbies that get you out of the house. Reconnect with male friends. 

You get the idea. Basically become the best version of yourself. If she doesn't come around all is not lost. You will have built your life enough to not stand for a sexless marriage and be in a position to confidently divorce knowing that you'll be able to meet another woman who will be into you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jsmart said:


> This is basically a "I love you but not in love with you." That is not good. You need to check that she's not already emotionally involved with a coworker. I don't know how many threads I've read where the man says that they get a long but the sex is missing when it turns out the wife is banging someone.
> 
> Like others have said it's time to go James Bond to make sure. A var (voice activated recorder) velcroed to the bottom of the passenger seat of her car can get you the info you need within a few days. Talking to an OM or a girlfriend about an OM is usually done on the commute to or from work.
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth. "I'm not sexually attracted to you any more" is a giant red flag that needs immediate attention!


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You should get yourself some help because this is abnormal and extremely excessive. Your wife is sick and tired of you making her feel used. Nobody is desired that much. Either you have a problem or you're just greedy, but it has nothing to do with your wife. You just think she is available for your purpose, but you have gotten on her last nerve.


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