# equating allowance with sex



## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

First of, I still love my wife very much. She said she loves me too. However, we are in a sexless marriage. She does not want to do it for some reason. So far, nothing have work for me to get my wife to have sex with me regularly. 

I am thinking about telling her that her allowance for the month is based on the number of sex on the previous month. So if we done it 4 times, she would get $1,500. With 3 times, she would get $1,000. 2 times, she would get $750. 1 or less, she would just get the normal $500.

Is this a weird idea? Do you think it is a good idea to proceed?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So basically, she's a $400/night prostitute?

C


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I wish I got paid $400 a night, would be making $2800 per week off my partner. Good times.

As for the OP, well this exact topic comes by every few months here. I struggle to believe that it is genuine, do people really have such little clues on life? 
If you are genuine then think before you act. Super stupid idea that will only make your life worse. Be an adult instead and fix it or end it.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

I thought it was a good idea, but apparently not so good responses. 
I still trying to fix, but nothing has work. I can't end it, because of my kids.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> So basically, she's a $400/night prostitute?
> 
> C


I was not thinking like that. I just thought that money may motivate her differently. that all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Visual said:


> I was not thinking like that. I just thought that money may motivate her differently. that all.


Think about it. Why do prostitutes have sex with clients? It's not because they're concerned about their client's prostate health. They're motivated by the money.

C


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> Think about it. Why do prostitutes have sex with clients? It's not because they're concerned about their client's prostate health. They're motivated by the money.
> 
> C


Great point!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, you haven't posted any details on what you've tried, or what the issues are. Maybe you should start there? Rather than throwing out random solutions like taking off your ring or paying her for sex.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you suggest this to your wife you can pretty much ensure that she will never have sex with you again.

Is your wife a SAHM? Or does she have a job outside the home?

How many children do the two of you have?

How much of an allowance do you give her right now?

What is her allowance used for? Is this just her fun money? Or does it have to be used for other things like groceries, the kids, etc?

The problem in your marriage. So what have you done to try to fix your marriage?


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you suggest this to your wife you can pretty much ensure that she will never have sex with you again.
> 
> Is your wife a SAHM? Or does she have a job outside the home?
> 
> ...


My wife is SAHM. Maybe this is the problem.
We have two kids (9 and 5 year old).

Each month she withdraws $500 as her fun money.

The only problem with the marriage is the lack of sex.

So far I have tried to loose weight. I lost like 17 lb in 3 months. Got to the normal weight for my height. I tried the PX90 to build up muscle and everything. No changes from her.

We typically have sex 1 time a month and this is based on her cycle. I tried to not initiated to see if she would initiate. Nothing from her. We went 6 months without sex. So ignore her did not work either.

I tried writing her letters to communicate my need. Did not work either.

I took off my ring, and this did not work also.

Tonight, I thought of bribery her, but it is a bad idea.

One time I ask her from 1 to 10, where is our relationship is. She said is a 8 or 9. So, in her mind, everything is great. 

I have not tried MC yet. I think that maybe the next step.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Look closely at the dynamic in your relationship. The fact that you refer to the money she spends as her "allowance" may be very telling. Do you treat her as a respected equal or as a child? 

I can't imagine many women wanting to have sex with a man who treats her as a subordinate. You think that the lack of sex is the problem. It is quite possible that it is a symptom.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Visual said:


> She does not want to do it *for some reason.*


What I bolded is a big part of your problem. You say she doesn't want to do it FOR SOME REASON. Have you ASKED her _*WHAT THE REASON IS?*_ From what you've written, it seems like you've done everything EXCEPT to try TALKING to her and finding out WHY she doesn't want it more often. 

You also wrote that she sees the marriage as an "8" or a "9". She might not think there's a problem, especially if you haven't SAID that there's a problem. 

It seems that you're trying to approach this issue in a passive-aggressive manner. For instance, you wrote that you took off your ring. Does she have any idea WHY you removed it? 

He who has the problem that involves another person has the responsibility for making the first move to effectively communicate the problem to the other person. Taking off your ring is NOT a form of 'effective communication'! 

I think MC is a good idea, but I think IC FOR *YOU* _RIGHT NOW _is a better. Perhaps your counselor can help you to learn how to be more assertive in your communication style. 

Vega


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I too am at a loss....I might be in a sexless marriage but when it comes to money, my wife knows what comes into our joint account and what needs to go out. 
If we don't have enough money for her to have (for example) highlights she doesnt have them.

I didn't think husbands gave their wives 'allowances' any more. This is 2014 not 1914.

Or is it me?!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Sex and money. What a surprise these two things are root cause marriage issues. You're married...everything is a joint account in some respects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Visual said:


> First of, I still love my wife very much. She said she loves me too. However, we are in a sexless marriage. She does not want to do it for some reason. So far, nothing have work for me to get my wife to have sex with me regularly.
> 
> I am thinking about telling her that her allowance for the month is based on the number of sex on the previous month. So if we done it 4 times, she would get $1,500. With 3 times, she would get $1,000. 2 times, she would get $750. 1 or less, she would just get the normal $500.
> 
> Is this a weird idea? Do you think it is a good idea to proceed?


It's a crazy and dangerous idea, but there have been couples who have done it.

I would make it $100 per sex session. Let her pile up play money that way if she like.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

I treat her with the highest respect and not subordinate. We have 1 joint bank account and she have access to it. 

Money is not the issue since I am making 6 figures. Our net saving per month is $5K. We stick to a budget that has an allowance of $500 per month to do whatever she wants. 

I tried many time to communicate with her about my needs, but nothing changes. One time I talk with her about this issue, she even said I am sorry. But I see no changes in her. She does not know why she would not want sex. I thought it was the attracting issue, but she said that she do find me attractive.

Another thing with her is that she does not like kissing, no BJ. When we make love, she is very in control. A typical sex with her would be, me giving her O from oral sex. Then she wants me to hurry up to do it and finish right away. We do it only in 1 position (missionary?). All of these are pattern of an LD.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It is a very bad idea; even if she goes for it all you're going to get is sex that she doesn't want, and her opinion of you will nose dive. Prostitutes generally don't think that highly of men. Is sex under these conditions something you can really get off on? You say you treat her as an equal but does she feel that way? Perhaps there's a disconnect there. My ex hb would tell you I was an equal as we also had a joint account, but in my view he so did not treat me as an equal. You guys really need MC so you can both lay your cards on the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, my thought is that she feels too secure in the marriage. She doesn't have to change because she knows you're not going anywhere no matter what she does. You need to shake up that dynamic if you have any chance of making it change. 

Have you read the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer"?

C


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't think it is a good idea. I suppose you could ask her if there is some incentive you could provide but she most likely has everything she needs. If she has hang-ups than money will just make her feel like a prostitute and not valued as a wife. 

Unless *she* decides that *she* needs to change, once a month will probably be it for you. That is your allowance.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Bad plan on so many levels. This thought process is not much different from guys kowtowing to their wives hoping vacuuming the house will get them sex. At least you're suggesting an obvious business transaction. Until your wife respects your desires in the marriage you won't make any progress. Bribes don't buy respect in any aspect of life.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Whilst I have great empathy with anyone in a sexless mariage, with an attitude like yours, I think your marriage is likely to become even more sexless...

Find out why your W doesn't want sex with you and try to work on that instead of thinking up ways to financially humiliate her.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you have that much money to use for this ideas, why not spend it on marriage counseling? You'll get better results.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Why does everyone get so wrapped up in the quantity of sex? If you bribed her to have sex with you every night, it wouldn't change anything about what's lacking in your marriage & sex isn't the problem, just the aftermath.
A lot of these posts make me wonder if anyone desires emotional closeness or is it just about "getting your rocks off". There is your hand or toys for that. I personally have chosen to have no sex over "duty sex" because it lacks closeness, but I guess that doesn't matter to you? My marriage is happy, besides the intimacy issue & my wife is perfectly content, but that doesn't change the facts that it is still a broken marriage. Good marriage=Good sex!!


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Visual said:


> Is this a weird idea?


Yes


Visual said:


> Do you think it is a good idea to proceed?


No


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I still can't wrap my mind around giving an allowance to my wife...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, hopefully you've been convinced that an 'allowance', especially tied to sex, is a BAD idea.

There's a book called 'His Needs Her Needs' that it might be a really good idea for you and your wife to work through. One chapter is devoted entirely to a mans need for sex. Perhaps your wife doesn't get this. And I have an inkling that you could benefit from some of the chapters about what HER needs are too.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Might I ask if Mr OP and Mrs OP are foreign born and if so from where?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> OK, hopefully you've been convinced that an 'allowance', especially tied to sex, is a BAD idea.
> 
> There's a book called 'His Needs Her Needs' that it might be a really good idea for you and your wife to work through. One chapter is devoted entirely to a mans need for sex. Perhaps your wife doesn't get this. And I have an inkling that you could benefit from some of the chapters about what HER needs are too.


It's not common. Some couples did the sex for money as a fun addition to their life. Others, did it to get more sex sessions, the wife didn't really want to, but the money motivated her somehow and it was fun for them.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe you should sit her down again and this time make her listen about you concerns about the lack of sex and let her know that in her opinion your marriage may be an 8 or 9 but in your opinion it isn't and lay it our in front of her so she understands.

I think she know that your not going anywhere because of the kids and if that's the case, why change it. 

A MC is a good idea and IMO you should let her know that if one person in the marriage isn't happy because the other won't make an attempt to move off of square on can only result in a big bunch of trouble in the future.

Right now she's in the drivers seat and until you let her know that your seriously unhappy with the intimacy situation and there has to be changes, it will continue. Let her know that one way or the other changes have to be made.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Why is people concerned about him giving an allowance? My H give me an allowance and himself too. Every thing else stays in checking account for bills and expenses or savings accounts. Allowance is each partner money to spend some they please or save for something big as they please. It's also how we save to buy each other gifts. What's childish or old fashioned about that? 

By the way we both get the same allowance.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> Why is people concerned about him giving an allowance? My H give me an allowance and himself too. Every thing else stays in checking account for bills and expenses or savings accounts. Allowance is each partner money to spend some they please or save for something big as they please. It's also how we save to buy each other gifts. What's childish or old fashioned about that?
> 
> By the way we both get the same allowance.


But does your allowance get withheld if you don't do your chores?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> Why does everyone get so wrapped up in the quantity of sex? If you bribed her to have sex with you every night, it wouldn't change anything about what's lacking in your marriage & sex isn't the problem, just the aftermath.
> A lot of these posts make me wonder if anyone desires emotional closeness or is it just about "getting your rocks off". There is your hand or toys for that. I personally have chosen to have no sex over "duty sex" because it lacks closeness, but I guess that doesn't matter to you? My marriage is happy, besides the intimacy issue & my wife is perfectly content, but that doesn't change the facts that it is still a broken marriage. Good marriage=Good sex!!


So you would be okay with once a month as long as you don't perceive it as duty sex?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

PBear said:


> But does your allowance get withheld if you don't do your chores?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I ALWAYS do my chores. ALL of them. 

Seriously though if you look at the people tripping over him giving allowance it's not because it's connected to any reward or punishment it's just the fact that he gives her one period.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

An 'allowance' is something that someone inferior gets from someone superior. Such as a parent gives to a child, or the government gives to welfare recipients. If a husband is the sole breadwinner, he should be giving his wife money for things when she needs it, within their budget. They should be working out a budget together and agreeing on it. When I hear of someone getting an 'allowance', I think that the recipient just gets money and gets told what to do with it and has no say in anything else. That's my preconception about it and of course may not be true in any given case. I'm just trying to explain why the word 'allowance' may get people hackles up. If you called it 'extra money' or 'entertainment fund' or something else it doesn't have the same connotation.

Of course, if your husband withholds your 'entertainment fund' money when he doesn't get sex, we're back to the original problem again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> I ALWAYS do my chores. ALL of them.
> 
> Seriously though if you look at the people tripping over him giving allowance it's not because it's connected to any reward or punishment it's just the fact that he gives her one period.


To be fair, though... He doesn't say a thing about HIM getting an allowance. I think your approach is very valid, IF it's equal on both sides (no matter who makes more money). But that's not the initial sense I got, even if he never specified. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

PBear said:


> To be fair, though... He doesn't say a thing about HIM getting an allowance. I think your approach is very valid, IF it's equal on both sides (no matter who makes more money). But that's not the initial sense I got, even if he never specified.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a SAHM since we recently had our first baby. But the allowance for both of us is the same as when I was working and we both get the same amount.

I agree it is a HORRIBLE idea for the allowance/spending money/whatever you want to call it to be tied to sex like she's a prostitute. But I find nothing wrong with the fact thst she gets one. It helps to budget and assures she has money that she doesn't have to discuss what she's spending it on. Since she has access to their accounts she could always withdraw more but hopefully this would first be discussed. 

For example I have found a christening gown for our baby. That's not coming from my allowance. But it is rather pricey so I told DH how much it cost and asked if he was ok with it before I purchased. Then I found a dress to wear for myself since I'm still not at pre - pregnancy weight. I didn't discuss that purchase at all because it came out of my allowance. But it cost more than baby's dress. But it not up for discussion (unless H sees the price tag which he won't).


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> An 'allowance' is something that someone inferior gets from someone superior. Such as a parent gives to a child, or the government gives to welfare recipients. *If a husband is the sole breadwinner, he should be giving his wife money for things when she needs it, within their budget. * They should be working out a budget together and agreeing on it. When I hear of someone getting an 'allowance', I think that the recipient just gets money and gets told what to do with it and has no say in anything else. That's my preconception about it and of course may not be true in any given case. I'm just trying to explain why the word 'allowance' may get people hackles up. If you called it 'extra money' or 'entertainment fund' or something else it doesn't have the same connotation.
> 
> Of course, if your husband withholds your 'entertainment fund' money when he doesn't get sex, we're back to the original problem again.


See I think this is worse. I don't want to have to tell my H I need money for every little thing I need/want. I want my own money so that when I need or want something I can just buy it as long as I have allowance money. And if I decide I want a Louis Vitton purse I can save my allowance until I can buy it. No questions asked (in theory anyway )


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> See I think this is worse. I don't want to have to tell my H I need money for every little thing I need/want. I want my own money so that when I need or want something I can just buy it as long as I have allowance money. And if I decide I want a Louis Vitton purse I can save my allowance until I can buy it. No questions asked (in theory anyway )


That is not what I meant at all. The budget that they work out together should include exactly what you have going on - free money. Neither spouse should have to 'ask' for money like a kid, nor should either one dole out money to the other as if they were a kid.

I was trying to explain why the use of the word 'allowance' gets people's backs up.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> That is not what I meant at all. The budget that they work out together should include exactly what you have going on - free money. Neither spouse should have to 'ask' for money like a kid, nor should either one dole out money to the other as if they were a kid.
> 
> I was trying to explain why the use of the word 'allowance' gets people's backs up.


Well maybe personal money?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

We call it an allowance too and we both get it. When I was a kid my allowance was money that was given to me for me to spend as I pleased, no convincing anyone that I needed anything. Otherwise I had to plead my case for why I really needed something and why I couldn't just go without or use my old one. If it's from my money/allowance dh doesn't bat an eye even if he thinks it's a complete waste of money. Now if either of us were wasting budgeted money or savings for things there would be a lot of discussion.

Allowance is just the word they use.

Now to the original question I would be pissed if dh proposed something like that. 

I agree that you need counseling. I would try individual first as you might just need help learning how to communicate your needs.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Why is people concerned about him giving an allowance? My H give me an allowance and himself too. Every thing else stays in checking account for bills and expenses or savings accounts. Allowance is each partner money to spend some they please or save for something big as they please. It's also how we save to buy each other gifts. What's childish or old fashioned about that?
> 
> By the way we both get the same allowance.


Because he wants to make it commensurate with the amount of sex they're having...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Because he wants to make it commensurate with the amount of sex they're having...


I already addressed this further in the thread.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> OK, hopefully you've been convinced that an 'allowance', especially tied to sex, is a BAD idea.
> 
> There's a book called 'His Needs Her Needs' that it might be a really good idea for you and your wife to work through. One chapter is devoted entirely to a mans need for sex. Perhaps your wife doesn't get this. And I have an inkling that you could benefit from some of the chapters about what HER needs are too.


Great suggestion on the book. I have been watching youtube videos on 'His needs her needs' and it really open my eyes. I can see where my marriage went wrong now. Both of our love tanks are empty at this point.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you suggest this to your wife you can pretty much ensure that she will never have sex with you again.
> 
> Is your wife a SAHM? Or does she have a job outside the home?
> 
> ...





PBear said:


> Well, my thought is that she feels too secure in the marriage. She doesn't have to change because she knows you're not going anywhere no matter what she does. You need to shake up that dynamic if you have any chance of making it change.
> 
> Have you read the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer"?
> 
> C


I read MMSLP already. This is where I get the idea of the weight lose. I also read 'No more mr nice guy' also. I applied this technique and saw some good reactions from her. But I stopped doing it because I get tired of not being myself.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> If you have that much money to use for this ideas, why not spend it on marriage counseling? You'll get better results.


I have been reading on here and it seems like going through MC does not have much success rate. Also, it is kinda hard to find a good MC. I don't know how and where to find a good one in my area. 

I did mentioned with her today and she agreed to go with me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Visual said:


> I read MMSLP already. This is where I get the idea of the weight lose. I also read 'No more mr nice guy' also. I applied this technique and saw some good reactions from her. But I stopped doing it because I get tired of not being myself.


I think part of the point is to change yourself... If you're just doing it to get laid, you're doing it wrong.

C


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Together we agreed on a monthly budget that each person has $500 allowance/fun/entertainment money that we can use on whatever we want to. Sorry for all the confusions.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Visual said:


> Together we settle on a monthly budget that each person has $500 allowance/fun/entertainment money that we can use on whatever we want to. Sorry for all the confusions.


Could this be a saver vs spender issue? I'm on board with living within your means and accumulating wealth. But some might think that having $500 monthly free money is miserly when you are banking 10x that. If the situation is this way, then she will be expecting more and will greatly resent being offered money that she feels should be hers anyways to do something she does not want to do.

I'm curious: what are your plans for that savings? Are you planning on retiring fairly early (essentially trading material stuff for free time)? What future does she map out for the two of you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Visual said:


> Together we agreed on a monthly budget that each person has $500 allowance/fun/entertainment money that we can use on whatever we want to. Sorry for all the confusions.


Then why don't you pay her for sex out of your fun money rather than the family budget?


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

DTO said:


> Could this be a saver vs spender issue? I'm on board with living within your means and accumulating wealth. But some might think that having $500 monthly free money is miserly when you are banking 10x that. If the situation is this way, then she will be expecting more and will greatly resent being offered money that she feels should be hers anyways to do something she does not want to do.
> 
> I'm curious: what are your plans for that savings? Are you planning on retiring fairly early (essentially trading material stuff for free time)? What future does she map out for the two of you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since you brought this up, make me think about it. We setup this budget 9 years ago. At that time we still have mortgage and car payment so the fun money was set at $500 each. I have not thought to increase yet since i a fine with it. Actually, she does not spend much either. She always have money left that she put in her piggy bank.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

DTO - you just give me another idea. Go ahead and increase the fun money and see if thing changes. If she really resent me because this, then this would solve it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Visual said:


> Since you brought this up, make me think about it. We setup this budget 9 years ago. At that time we still have mortgage and car payment so the fun money was set at $500 each. I have not thought to increase yet since i a fine with it. Actually, she does not spend much either. She always have money left that she put in her piggy bank.


Well, definitely explore this issue and know where she stands, then decide whether (and how) to act.

This may or may not be it. You still need to explore this issue head on with your wife. The context should be (as noted earlier) you've been trying to communicate your unhappiness with your sex life for some time. Your wife rates your marriage an "8" or "9" so obviously there is a huge disconnect. You want to bring your happiness up to that same high level, the lack of sex makes that impossible, and it's okay to feel that way.

I actually would have the talk first and then decide how to act, lest the extra provision for her give the mistaken impression that you are not as unhappy as you say, or lest she think your actions have ulterior motives.

ETA: I re-read the part where you said the allocated spending money had not kept pace with your disposable income, which has increased as you have paid off your home and cars.

I now more strongly suspect that your wife has somehow lost respect for you. As far as I can tell, you are happy with your standard of living and are working towards solidifying that position and winding down your career sooner rather than later, instead of striving to have more. I think that's the right call.

But, some people feel differently. I don't understand that way of thinking. But it seems that you aren't judged so much on how you have achieved and provided more than most but by how much you left on the table. In other words, you are perceived to have lost your drive, become lazy, and are looked-down upon.

I've seen the stories online. Also, I saw it happen to a friend of mine. He had a very successful business. His wife was a nice lady - had been a SAHM for several years. As the children grew up she put in some time at the office but not enough to be full-time. But, he was expected to keep grinding to provide the stuff she expected to have. And, he seemed resigned to this dynamic.

When you have the talk with your wife, be prepared for this to come up. If this winds up being an issue, you'll just have to meet it head on. My view in your situation (if my assumption is correct) is that you are providing a great deal, working very hard to do so, and should be having your needs met just out of sheer fairness. Your wife doesn't have many of the stresses that most of us overcome and still manage to have a good sex drive. If having a heart-to-heart doesn't drive behavior change, you are going to impose some serious boundaries, simply because there aren't very many barriers to good sex here.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Thanks for the advice DTO. 

I watched the videos on her needs and his needs. Great videos that you can watch on YouTube. I learn a few things in those videos. The main one is that I equate sex with love. The reason I want more sex with my wife is because that is how I show her my love. We'll, her meaning of sex obviously different than mine. She does not equate sex with love. Understanding that, I don't feel that bad now. I just need to show her my love in a different ways.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

We have "mad" money that we are allowed to spend however we want. $50/month, no crap given. We both agreed that anything we spend has to fall into an agreed upon category or in the "mad money" for ourselves.

That said, back to OP, sex should be enjoyed in marriage by both, not a reward.


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## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

May I assume you're past the point of even considering paying your wife for sex? Controlling to the max and I feel like it would destroy any chance of sex again...

"His Needs, Her Needs" is a good starting place.

You said your wife rates your marriage as an 8 or 9. Are you sure? I know she said it, but did she really mean it? 

Sit down with her and, instead of telling her you want this or that, ask her what she wants and needs from you. Not so you get more sex, but so you are a better husband. Because you want to be a better husband. Make her feel like it's genuine - which you won't be able to do if it isn't - and find out what is lacking from you.

It's possible she is just LD but IMO, women who are called LD are often simply tired from the kids, tired from doing everything and don't feel cherished, appreciated, loved, etc. And most women need that to respond sexually. 

Do you kiss her and touch her without it leading to sex? Rub her back, touch her arm, look into her eyes when you talk? Try it.

Do you watch porn? Stop. Nothing makes a women feel less sexy than to know her husband is looking at nubile young women who have never had a child. Who feels sexy when that's what he looks at?

Do you do your share around the house and with the kids? Without her asking? Because if she has to ask or nag, it puts her in the role of parent - not very sexy.

Do you cook? Grocery shop? Keep the social calendar? Car care? Lawn care? 

If you read the stats, men do far less than their share. Even if you work full time and she is a SAHM, housework and child care is more than a full time job and you should still be helping. This isn't me making this up. Women almost universally agree that their mates do not measure up. And yet men almost universally cannot understand why that would matter in the bedroom. BUT IT DOES. And it's not that women necessarily are thinking, "Well if he doesn't help around the house, I'm not going to have sex with him." It's that women may lose sexual desire for someone who treats her like she is there as a maid and sex partner but doesn't invest in the marriage himself.

I'll admit - these were our issues. So maybe some projection here. My husband would rather complain about not getting enough sex and blame it on me than do his share of work around the house - for 18 years! Suddenly when the marriage nearly ended, he decided maybe he should help a bit. He finally apologized for 18 years of blaming all of "our" issues all on me. 

I'm not assuming these are your issues - I've just not seen anyone really lay this out - but it COULD be your issue. Consider it.

If she will go to counseling, don't treat is as if you are there to fix HER. Be open minded.

Just trying to help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sudra said:


> May I assume you're past the point of even considering paying your wife for sex? Controlling to the max and I feel like it would destroy any chance of sex again...
> 
> "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good starting place.
> 
> ...


Preach on sister! Too bad more men don't get this, though it's risky to bring up the porn because from what I've seen a lot of men will fight to the death to defend porn use and expect women to accept that men do this and we're not allowed to have an opinion about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

I am a SAHM and would be offended to ends of the earth by A) getting allowance and B) being offered money to have more sex with husband.
BAD IDEA. Ask her why she doesn't have much interest in sex and tell her you would like to seek counseling so BOTH of your needs can be met.


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