# Hubby came home but its weird.......



## Confused42

Well my Hubby came home finally on Thanksgiving day. We were all at my parents home. He said he wanted to come home and stay a night without any expectations from us. I thought this was weird but did ssay much. 

Hes been home for over a week now and He is very distant. He cries a lot and tells me he doesn't deserve me. Feels very guilty about everything and he sleeps a lot. He doesnt really seem to be making much effort in talking to me or our son.

Just wondering if anyone our there has went through this is the beginning stages of getting back together?


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## robotmonkeyparts

He may not know what to do next. Go see a MC together, that would at least open up the lines of communication between you.


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## Confused42

Well Im confused as to why he came home now. He says that he is no longer attracted to me. That he thinks he never has been. We have been married for 16 years!! I sometimes do not believe the things he says its like he makes stuff up as he goes. We have always had a great sex life. 

He says that there has always been something missing between us something intimate. He feels we were never meant to be. He says that he is trying to make things work but he doesnt feel as if there is any hope for us. 

We have a 14 year old son so I dont believe we were never meant to be. I just dont see how a man can be so cruel to his family. 

I am frustrated and about to just give up.


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## Dewayne76

I'm sorry confused. Sounds a lot like my wife.. stbx. 

Told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore (*after the affair) told me she didn't love me "that" way anymore (never said the actual "I love you but I'm not IN love with you") 

Said we just don't have "it" anymore. 

Of course, she's had the same attitude basically almost since the beginning of the whole ordeal. So it's probably all B/S...

Like they all say.. believe NOTHING that they say and less than 50% of what you see.


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## Bellavista

Is there a possiblilty he has met someone else & is conflicted? Perhaps he is trying to make it work with you, but is thinking of someone else.
What you have described is how my H was when he came back from an 8 week overseas trip where he had an affair. Long story, he left me for her then we R'd again after a year.
Pretty much everything you have said your H said is what mine said back then. Not to alarm you or anything, but have you investigated this area. (I had a quick look back over previous posts but could not see anything.)


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## Chuck71

H has deep conflict. A remourseful WS has more trouble forgiving themselves than BS. Here is an example, you get a full ride to Harvard and try and flunk out. Big deal...you tried your best. WS has full ride and passes it up. He should seek IC before the two of you go MC. The issues inside him need to surface or it will not work. Don Henley said it best in 1990 "the heart of the matter"


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## Confused42

My hubby did have an emotional affair with someone else. He has talked to her in a while he says he wasn't in love with her that she was just a friend that he talked to about US and our problems. He says the never dated her or slept with her she is quite a bit older than him. He said she was going through a divorce also so they were just talking things out. 

You guys will have to excue me i dont know what have of the abreviations are what is IC?


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## This is me

IC = Individual Counselling or Individual Counselor.

This all sounds like the MLC...Mid Life Crisis. They start blaming all their internal depression on the spouse and find another to have an emotional detachment with, in your case someone going through a divorce. So common. Misery loves company.

Its devistating to the emotional connection of the married couple when one does this. Sometimes worse than a PA = Pyhsical Affair. The MLC is a mental glitch in most cases, that gets better with time and patience. Fog lifts.

Mine did.

It was amazing how she became this different person in so many ways, and is now back to her old self.


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## Dewayne76

Out of all my pain, out of all my misery and hurt... This_is_me, you, your posts and story always makes me smile... maybe with a bit of hope. 

I was told my wife was "snapped into a MLC" I'm not so sure I want to put faith into that, but she's definately NOT the same person I married. 

I've come to the conclusion that if R ever happens, it won't be with this new woman she's become. She'll either be her old self, or I'll move on. And by moving on, depends on who I find, or don't find until then!


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## Chuck71

This is Me-I'm glad to hear that. It's nice to hear that some, do work out.


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## Confused42

Mu husband does blame me for everything! Hald the time he doesnt even remember what he says to me and his story changes daily. Its getting really frustrating. 

Yesterday he said that he was always doing things for me like starting my car, keeping up my car, did laundry(his own) at least once every now and then and he stated that he cooked. 
Well he cooked maybe 1 a month. 

So I said well what do you think I did for you. I cleaned the house its always neat and tidy, your clothes were always clean. I worked 84 hours every two weeks (make my own money never spend his). I had a mice meal for him when he got home. He never gorcery shops or pays our bills I do all of that. 

Plus I was always the one to ask him want to go out to eat or see a movie. He never wanted to spend time with me on his own. I always had to initiate a date. I made all our special plans for birthday;s (even my own ) valentines day anniversaries etc. 

He says that he never did because something with us was just missing. (he has BS'd me for 16 years?) why would a person rob another person's lifetime away if they really didnt care for you?

This crap is almost too hard. Love and marriage should be fun.


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## Chuck71

Sounds like a great deal of blame shifting. In any marriage there has to be an agreed compromise. I am a history buff and remember dates easy. Missing a big date with a female will get you in the doghouse. The housework is an extention of the true problem stated previously. He needs to address the problem, if it can't be who really would care who cooked how much?


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## This is me

"This crap is almost too hard. Love and marriage should be fun." 

It is when things are going right, but for some of us it is work to get there. But when you do the fun begins.

I understand it takes two to tango, but sometimes one can start the fun dance and the other starts tapping their foot and eventually gets up and on the floor.

The other night we were both joking in bed. It was fun, but there have been many more stressful and uncomfortable nights next to each other over this past year. Worth the wait.

Hang in there!


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## Confused42

My biggest concern right now is that it has been over two weeks since he came home and it seems as if we have gotten nowhere. He still talks like we will not make it. 

He doesnt want me to see him naked. He locks himself in the bathroom (not that I'm trying to get in He has total privacy)
He sleeps naked so in the beginning when he went to bed he would wrap a blanket around him so he doesnt touch me. This has gotten somewhat better because I confronted him about this. He said he is not comfortable around me. 

I asked him what he wants for christmas he says nothing. BUt if I dont get him something he will be mad. He does this every year. Problem is no matter what I get him hes not satisfied.


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## This is me

When my wife came home, she hid from me all the time. Where she would bath with the door open in the past and again now, she didn't for about 3 to 4 months. She wanted no intimacy.

I flat out told her I want this to work, but it will only work if we are a complete couple in everyway. We move towards the good marriage or move on.

It took patience, but she is back. Stay the course and make sure he understands the efforts need to improve or time is just wasting.

Just buy some simple gifts that you know he can use. Don't make a big deal about it. Give him space.


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## Chuck71

Tim is exactly right. You are adults. Sit down and show your cards. Back away to give time to reflect. I just did with my STBXW, but what result it will give, is really up to her. But I can understand your postion, greatly.


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## Confused42

Well I have had many long talks with him. He just sets there and doesnt say much. I have just told him how I felt (nicely) sometimes he cries and says he has a hard time looking at me because he knows hes been an ass and that I deserve so much better. He lays on the edge of the bed like hes afraid I might touch him. 

I think its funny because he always stated that I never showed him much attention. I always did. He has done a lot of blameshifting during our seperation to make me feel like our martial problems are all my fault. 

I told him he needed to straighten up and take some of the responsibility for what has happened. When he talks to me its like he loathes me. I really dont know what I did to him to make him feel this way about me. 

I have always been a good wife at least the best that I can. My world has always centered around him. Hes never wanted for anything. I work a great job. contribute to the family income. OUr home is always clean he always has a hot meal waiting form him when he gets home (even on the days I work) He never does any inside chores etc. I dont want to say I wait on him hand and foot I dont. 

Then when it come to sex I would try to get his attention and he would flirt with me during the day/evenings then bedtime came and nothing. He would say he was tired etc. 
Funnny because he told me the biggest reason he wanted a divorce was because I never initiated sex. 

Ive noticed that some of his stories have changed also just little things but it annoys me that he can be untruthful about small things. I mean why? It seems as if he can keep his stories straight anymore.


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## Chuck71

keep in mind what appears as such to you may be different to the other. i'm not judging but to understand anything, you have to see both sides of the equation.


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## kindi

I read your back posts. Your husband wanted out, he said he was never attracted to you, he left, he filed for divorce, then he said lets try to reconcile and put the divorce on a 6 month hold at which point if things dont work out it's final, now he's back but he never really came back..

How long will you put up with this before you step up and start calling the shots for what will hopefully be the last time?


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## soAppieTogether

Do you think you could approach him sexually? Maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move. When my wife and I got back together, I was kind of scared of her emotionally. After she made the first move, that lifted a lot of emotional pressure, in the bedroom and throughout the house.


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## Confused42

kindi said:


> I read your back posts. Your husband wanted out, he said he was never attracted to you, he left, he filed for divorce, then he said lets try to reconcile and put the divorce on a 6 month hold at which point if things dont work out it's final, now he's back but he never really came back..
> 
> How long will you put up with this before you step up and start calling the shots for what will hopefully be the last time?


Well I know it all seems black or white to some people but this is my husband whom I have been with for 16 years. This is my whole life and my family I am trying to preserve. My husband of course was attracted to me he married me and jumped my bones for 14 years. He started this crap this year so no I dont believe that he has never been attracted to me or loved me. 

He came back because he wants to preserve our family as well but he doesnt know what to do with himself. I dont believe that one person needs to call the shots over the other. This makes a bigger mess of the problem. WE need to comunicate but right now its hard and I'm looking on advice on how to make things better. 


Not sure about the sexual part. I think we still have a way to go before I try that one. BUt i have always been a little forward in that department not shy at all.


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## Chuck71

C42-I posted this in another blog but it explains a lot of what you said.
********Lack of communication ends so many marriages that were saveable. Pride seems to get in the way. I neither started the ball rolling but I added to the demise. I checked out via occurances and she checked out because I checked out. It's funny communication is what made us fall in love but was what tore us apart. Mistakes are always a two way street. But when your heart is broken....it's hard to fix. Emotions are the one thing you can't lie about.***********

I may be disagreed here but right now, sex should not be the objective. Sex is not a need, it is a want. The wants the two of you have should be addressed first. Take baby steps. I give an apple, you give an apple. I give a slice of pie, you give......I'm sure you know where I am going


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## Chuck71

needs* addressed first, what i get for not proofreading


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## This is me

This all sounds so fimiliar. Get a good pro-marriage MC. Read Divorce Remedy. He is in a MLC fog.

My wife took 17 years of a very good relationship and became an alien. She blamed me for all of her issues and rewrote our history to justify it. Its a mental glitch that should eventually lift. Our job is to mitigate the damage, give space, set boundaries and prepare for the worst, but leaving the door open when they return to their old selves.

There is usually a person or persons who walk with them down this dark path. Possible EA, PA, someone having their own relationship issues, possibly going through a divorce that guide the fogged MLC sufferer along in the hole with them.

Be patient! I wish you well.


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## Confused42

This week I have suffered a really bad cold ive been down and out! i went to work two nights when I should not have and it got me down more. 

He never asked me how I was if he could do anything for me etc. I really got to where it was killing me. He used to be so attentive to me and I miss him. 

He tells me goodbye in the morning and have a good day. 
and Good night when he goes to bed. thats it. nothing no conversation. 

Not sure what to do do anymore.........


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## This is me

Are you guys in counselling? If one person is closed to communicating, a professional should help. For us it took both MC, IC and even some marriage workshops. She barely contributed, but it did help her open up somewhat which was better than what we could have done on our own.


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## Confused42

No we are not in counseling he refuses to go. 

Christmas was not a good thing. HE got me nothing. I didnt really expect him too but he didnt try. He hasnt tried since he came home. I am ready to just call it quits. 

A person can only take so much at least I can say that I have tried.


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## Chuck71

C42 I can so much relate. I gave my W a lifeline but it will not be there long. It is all up to her. I refuse to beat my head against the wall. You sound like you are there too. She does little things that my radar picks up but I will not take the bait. Agree to counseling is my non negotiable. If not, games over. I hate it, I swear but whatever she is going through.....I'm not wanted. This is me (TAMer) has given really great insight. If we had kids I would be more patient. We do not. Sometimes letting them go is the only way they can realize what you truly meant to them.


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