# Need Help



## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

This is a complicated story, like many others on here i assume. I'm going to be very honest because i'm desperately needing some solid advice and maybe answers. 

My wife wakes up one morning after sleeping on the couch (i went to bed early and didn't realize) that she's not happy anymore and wants to leave. I knew something was wrong the day before because she was definitely down, i asked her 20 times if she was okay and she just kept saying it was one of those days. I come home from work that evening and she's taken our son to her mothers and wouldn't answer my calls. She comes back and stays at her friends for the next few days until i finally put my foot down and told her that our son was staying in his home in his bed. She comes back to the house but will barely look at me or talk to me and won't make eye contact. She says she can't get over the past (i'll explain later) and that she wants out. We spend three weeks passing by each other with me desperately trying to talk to her (doing everything your not supposed to do i guess). She stops talking to our friends, and starts buying new clothes and iphones and starts getting very dressed up for work but says she has no interest in saving, working or being in the marriage. We'd recently both just started new jobs and i had definitely been a little preoccupied and busy with the new job so we were maybe a little more short with each other than we'd be recently. 

Just over a year ago we separated because of a drug addiction i had. For two years i actively suffered from addiction and i fully know that the price was high for her. I got help and got clean and stayed clean. As a matter of fact i became a better person and was growing more each day. After three months we reconciled and moved back in together and since then life has been good. We've been healing, raising our son together and genuinely life had been overall good. Wed bought a new vehicle six months ago because we needed a vehicle, she primarily drove this vehicle, we bought a house and renovated it and she was so engaged, happy and in love with the house. Three weeks before she stated she wanted to leave she had just gone off birth control because we'd been planning our next child and she wanted to flush her system for a few months, whether she stopped taking her anti depressants i don't know. Life was genuinely good, you know the normal marriage stuff but good overall. 

After she declared she wanted to leave we attended one counselling session at my request and the next week she got a call saying she got an apartment, she gave me the keys to the vehicle back, said i was on my own to pay for our house and after she pays the bills in the new apartment she probably has less than 200 dollars to spare. Her rent is more than our mortgage. Her mom shows up with her when she tells me and it gets a little twilight zone. they both start attacking me and blaming it on me, i get defensive and yell back. It ends in a fight. 

Now fast forward two weeks and she's living her life out on facebook, completely walked from all of our friends of 7 years and won't listen to anything anyone has to say. Apparently her life is getting filled with drama but i don't know the details. I did find out that apparently there's rumours going around that she's "seeing" or has been emotionally involved with a man from her new work. Which would explain alot. I called her out on this but she says it's not true. Were sharing custody of our child right now and she seems to be out all the time with him (i dont know where) and her drinking has picked up (she wasn't much of a drinker prior). 

She is not anywhere near the person i know right now and i'm so lost, hurt and confused. In august two years ago our son was born and in Oct/November she was diagnosed with post partum depression and was put on meds which she was remained on. Last year in oct she left me (over my addiction and she can't be blamed for that) but she also suffered from severe depression boughts which i'm also partially responsible for, this year in November she clearly goes into another depression bought and this time it's pretty severe. 

I've been doing some look into BPD and she has alot of the symptoms but i don't want to start diagnosing her myself. She communicated to me that she was feeling depressed but thinks it's our marriage (in the past year she's said not only to me but to everyone else how happy she was) so i take this as pretty blindsided. 

How do i approach this? How do i deal with this? If she is BPD when she comes down from this will she realize what's going on or will she still feel this is right? What do i do if she's with another man, it would be incredibly not her to have an affair or go outside of the marriage but it also makes sense. 

Thoughts?

I've moved this over from the Depression forums to get more feedback as i'm pretty messed up over the situation.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

She told me last night that she obviously doesn't think our marriage is worth working on. 

To understand my wife is one of the warmest people you'll ever meet. She's definitely had some up and down moments over the past few years and i've had without doubt caused her some great pain, but she stuck it out and in the end, i changed in wonderful ways for her. 

I do not recognize the person that speaks to me, the way she speaks to me and what she's now doing with her life. 

She has detached herself from all of our friends, initially she tried reaching out to many of them but i think they all told her what they thought of her actions and thus she's stopped speaking with them because there going against what she's doing. 

New hair cuts, new clothes, increased drinking, not sure about her spending but since our credit cards are joint i saw that she took out a large cash advance off her credit card that almost maxed it out. I can only assume it was for bills at her new appartment as the total expense there is more than our home and there's no feasible way she can afford it and have much left over to live on. 

She vehemently denies being with this man from work and i haven't heard anything new to the contrary but time will tell. All the rumours from people at her work are still there, she got in trouble for spending too much time talking in his office, and apparently he told his boss they were an item or together. 

I'm struggling because we had literally just moved into the next phase of our life, bought a new vehicle which she picked out and drove, bought a house together and renovated it, and were planning our next child. I know our marriage wasnt without issue, she does things that drive me crazy and vice versa but we were generally happy. 

She wakes up one day and tells me she doesn't want this life, she doesn't love me and shes' leaving. She told me last night that it hasn't all been bad but that she woke up and realized she wasnt happy and she wanted out. She's not interested in councilling because she doesn't feel it's worth saving. 

My entire world has been pulled out from under my feet and i really don't know how to process all of this. Last night i told her that i didnt want anymore communication from her unless it was regarding drop off/pick up times for our son or if he's sick. My door was open for councilling or to talk about us but that was it. She text me almost everyday, usually just about silly stuff like where's this, hows Zayden. And each time it rips me apart to think this is it for our family. I can't pretend like nothings happening which is what she seems to want to do.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

The only advice I can offer in your situation is that as long as you make things easy for her to be gone, she has everything she wants. As hard as it might be to turn your back on her you need to go dark, dont talk to her, dont ask her for anything, dont be there when she decides she wants or needs you. 

Pretend if you have to, that your life is going great and belive it or not you're happy! Let her think she did you a favor.

I assume you still have your child with you? Let her know he will stay with you!! She can pay you child support (which I doubt she will want to do since she only has $200 a month left). Go hard.

Wake her up and then see if its worth saving.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Be sure you cancel any joint accounts or credit cards ASAP. If she wants to live on her own, truly let her live on her own.

Sorry this has happened to you. Just try to detach the best you can and go dark on her.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'd advise going to speak to an attorney. When both of your names are on the mortgage, car note, it is BOTH of your responsibility to make the payments. There needs to be a formal arrangement on custody, finances, etc.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Longingforhome,
I have seen these types of things play out on this site time and time again. You are not alone. This board is littered with stories of women who go off the deep end and decide "They don't want this life" or "I don't love you, etc." So what is going on?

1. Your W is having an affair. Emotional for sure but women go from EA to PA with lightning speed when the OM is easily accessable. The signs are all there that she is cheating.

OR

2. Your wife is suffering from some mental health condition or is starting a mid-life crisis. 

Her behavior, like so many women who have done what you are describing, is typical. They get sick of being married. They decide they want the single life, meet an OM, or whatever and want out. 

So what do you do? You give her what she wants. If she doesn't want to be married then nothing you can say or do will change her mind, so you let her go. This means total no contact except for your son. This means you close all joint accounts immediately. This means no more money for her from you unless ordered by a judge. This means you speak to an attorney to get custody of your child and child support if need be. Your son will need you since his mom has now gone crazy. Your wife is going to self destruct sooner rather than later. You sit back and watch her train wreck happen while emotionally protecting yourself via NC and you son. Best of luck here.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

When we have talked she say she's happy, she's keeping busy and she's not thinking about things. It hurts, but i don't entirely believe her either. I chose to initiate NC because literally i couldnt go another day with her texting me 5 times and each time this switch goes off inside that wants to respond out of hope. My councillor has indicated it's her way of staying in touch with me but i realized i can't deal with it. I didn't want this to happen and i'm the one holding out hope for our family but i can't do this to myself anymore. I can barely get through a day with the emotional swings as it is. 

My wife does not have any long term friends she has never been able to sustain relationships. She has a habit of trying to get too close to people, i've always felt it had to do with low self esteem but she definitely has said some wildly inappropriate things, personal things to people in the past that have pushed them into an uncomfortable zone. Her relationships with other woman have always been rocky, more so with her needing/wanting the friendship and them eventually pushing away. 

I'm trying to figure out how to cope with the emotions and definitely looking for solid advice. I don't want to push her to the brink of no return but i have to do what's in my best interests right now. 

I definitely have felt that there is some mental health issues going on here but i'm not a doctor and so i dont want to diagnose her. but it has been an issue in our marriage since our sons birth the depression and medication she's received. 

Do these woman ever come down and realize that their marriages are important? When we seperated last time she was a scary single person, she made a whole mess of her life and the relationships in it, she wasnt with anyone during the time and neither was i but she goes into this, i want to gossip, talk, chatter and pretend like nothing is going on mode and you could see her destructing as a person. I"m worried for her that's going to happen again. I don't want her to go through that, but i guess i want her to go through whatever she has to too face what she's done.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Longingforhome,
> I have seen these types of things play out on this site time and time again. You are not alone. This board is littered with stories of women who go off the deep end and decide "They don't want this life" or "I don't love you, etc." So what is going on?
> 
> 1. Your W is having an affair. Emotional for sure but women go from EA to PA with lightning speed when the OM is easily accessable. The signs are all there that she is cheating.
> ...


It's amazing how many cheaters like to mistake the high and excitement of a new fling for "happiness". Someone shows some interest, they feel a "connection", their brain chems go nuts, and all of a sudden THIS must be what happiness is all about, and the past countless years count for nothing.

It is a small mind that does not understand the process that takes place in our bodies and minds when we meet "someone new", can't logically understand what happens to them, and they continue to pursue this drug that is bad for them and their entire family.

I agree with MinVA... She's cheating. We see the same signs time and again, and extremely rarely have the signs been wrong. New clothes. New friends. New (locked) phone. New hair. New attitude. New "work" hours. Staying out at a family members or "friend's" place. Put all or most of them together, and it typically means "new d!ck".

She didn't "fall out of love" or "this life" with you. She fell for someone new. And in those that can't see beyond the immediate satisfaction and rush of "new love", well, as the guy who's been there for years, you just can't compete with that.

So...take yourself away from her. Make her feel the loss. Right now she doesn't, as she left you. In her mind all is right with the world. 

VA is right. Give her what she wants (space). In fact give her more than she could ever hope for. Until you do, you're the annoying husband getting in the way of her good times.

Go NC except as required regarding the kids and divorce. Stop helping her carry on in this happy affair fog by not giving her consequences. Bring some real turmoil into her life by:

1. Removing yourself from it. She may not "want this" anymore, but she's known you for years. Just you being around in any way is reassuring to her. Take that away.

2. Filing for divorce. Right now she's putting that on the back burner so it doesn't get in the way of her fun now. Can't be bothered with messy things like divorce when she's trying to have a good time, right? Well don't let her dictate that. File now, and mess up her new, fun, exciting life now.

Added benefit is she will be pissed. In shock. And she'll want to talk about it. To her new "man". She'll pass it off as she's happy about it, but she'll still be nervous and pissed. And the OM will have an "oh chit" moment or three as he realizes his "no strings attached" fling will be looking to him soon for a relationship. That will snap HIM out of fantasy land, and he'll start looking at her and her many faults much harder. 

3. Stop supporting her and her good time. She's now "independant and on her own". Let her see what the reality of that little fantasy is as well. 

4. Again, remove yourself from her life. Stated twice because this can be the biggest step with the most significant results. Someone can't miss you or think about you logically when you are around too much (and in a cheater even a text or call can be "too much) because any negative feelings they have for you are reinforced every time they see or hear from you (pressuring them in effect), even if it's "just to talk" once a week or so. Plus, it reinforces to her that you're "still there". Don't contact her. Don't send her texts. Don't "accidentally" call her or text her (you may think you're being slick, but it's obvious to her what you're doing). Disappear from her life except as needed for the kid and to settle the divorce. The further away you stay, the more time she'll spend thinking about you, what you're doing, and why you're not contacting her. She'll begin to wonder if she really is too good for you (in her mind now she is, otherwise she wouldn't have left or sought out another man) since you seem to be so easily walking away from her. She's not expecting THAT. 

Good luck. Time to rattle her cage.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

What have other people done in these situations? I'm choosing to walk away right now because i respect she says it's not worth it and i need to respect myself enough to know i'm worth more than that. 

My problem is that i don't believe we've neared the truth. She may be having an EA or a PA, i'm not so sure it's happened yet, or if it's actually happening but the signs are definitely there and there's some wild and weird events going on. I'm more inclined to believe that she feels attracted to someone and as said previously this can go to a PA quickly. I also can't believe much of what she say since honesty is few and far between right now. 

I'm going NC and i have my threshold for what i can find in myself to potentially move forward from in the future and if it gets there my switch will flip. But in the mean time, i'm going to do whats best for me and my son, but what other "things" can be done while i'm NC that will push her to make a final choice one way or another. I know that she's on a fine line right now personally and i think this has more to do with something she's going through than me. That's not saying i havent contributed to this but the woman i've spent 7 years with would have confronted me about the feelings. So how do i "handle" this new person?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Her relationships with other woman have always been rocky, more so with her needing/wanting the friendship and them eventually pushing away.


Pretty much the same way she treated you, then?


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

That could be said to have some merit. But i haven't always been so great to her either, if it wasn't for her strength when i went through my struggles we would have literally never known some of the wonder we've experienced the past year. 

I believe in Love, i believe that it's love and take, i believe she's worth fighting for, but i believe i'm worth fighting for as well. I'm walking away right now because i need to do this for myself not because i don't love her. 

She may have many faults, but she has many strengths as well. I'm just having a hard time differentiating between who i'm dealing with now versus who i know her to be.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

No spouse wakes up one day and wants out. There is always a driving force behind that motive which is always usually infidelity or severe unhappiness from abuse etc etc.

A good solution is working on your own coping ability through the body first. Start exercising and getting plenty of fruits and vegetables and drastically increasing the amount of ascorbic acid (vitamin c, helps GREATLY vs. stress) and testosterone production (saw palmetto, helps GREATLY vs depression) should be a good start.

Don't cling to your wife, or call her unless its related to your son. Focus on yourself, do not ask her about "us", leave her be and focus on yourself, become a better man than you are now. Let the dust settle, she is high on dopamine with the new freedom of the fantasy single life that she is living. 

Give yourself some time be able to build up your focus and drive to remain calm when SHE brings up the "us".


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Longingforhome said:


> This is a complicated story, like many others on here i assume. I'm going to be very honest because i'm desperately needing some solid advice and maybe answers.
> 
> My wife wakes up one morning after sleeping on the couch (i went to bed early and didn't realize) that she's not happy anymore and wants to leave. I knew something was wrong the day before because she was definitely down, i asked her 20 times if she was okay and she just kept saying it was one of those days. I come home from work that evening and she's taken our son to her mothers and wouldn't answer my calls. She comes back and stays at her friends for the next few days until i finally put my foot down and told her that our son was staying in his home in his bed. She comes back to the house but will barely look at me or talk to me and won't make eye contact. She says she can't get over the past (i'll explain later) and that she wants out. We spend three weeks passing by each other with me desperately trying to talk to her (doing everything your not supposed to do i guess). She stops talking to our friends, and starts buying new clothes and iphones and starts getting very dressed up for work but says she has no interest in saving, working or being in the marriage. We'd recently both just started new jobs and i had definitely been a little preoccupied and busy with the new job so we were maybe a little more short with each other than we'd be recently.
> 
> ...


 So have you figured out who the OM is yet? Because I can assure you that she is eyeballs-deep in an affair. 

Have you done any snooping to find out who he is? I would suggest you do so. Check her cellphone. Check your cellphone records. 

Find out who OM is and be ready to expose the affair to everyone.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

I don't know him, but i know who he is. He works at her new job. 

I've asked her for NC and she' texted me twice to ask about things she knows she doesn't need to talk to me about. I haven't responded. 

Last talk we had she was adamant she wasn't cheating and that it's all just rumours. I don't believe her and i wish i could just find out the truth so that i could process the pain and start to move on. 

If she was unhappy about things in our marriage than i'm not upset about that, i'm upset that she didn't say a word, led me to believe she was happy and then wakes up one day and walks out the door under all the circumstances i've listed above.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

Well it was confirmed. I got into my wife's email account and found the most painful to see photo of things she was ending to the man from work along with emails. Naked, self touching, and just break my heart to see. I outed her to her family and our friends and got the truth out there. She said she apparently called this off and that they never once actually got physical, when she was moving out although i'm not sure i agree. 

She says she still stands by her reasons for leaving despite the poor choice she made. Still says she was unhappy and doesn't regret leaving. Said she's sorry for what she did but that's it. 

Although she seems to be softening in terms of her attitude and behaviour i'm not sure she's fully ready to face what she's done. 

I'm not holding out hope, i communicated to her that i'm here, told her what i thought. But said that unless she was willing to make significant changes than i'm not willing to face this with her. 

I'm utterly devastated but i suppose i feel better that i know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Contact her boss and hr. you might cause her to loose her job, but you more likey will end the affair, and that is your only chance to save your marriage.

Kill the affair and you have a chance,

Let her and the OM see each other everyday and you will get what you already have.

Exposé the affair at work to HR.

Post the OM on cheaterville.com

It's tine to go to war to fight for you children's future.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If her affair partner is a coworker you need to notify her boss or HR. without one of them leaving the work the affair will never stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Longingforhome said:


> Naked, self touching, and just break my heart to see.
> She says she still stands by her reasons for leaving despite the poor choice she made.
> Still says she was unhappy and doesn't regret leaving.
> Said she's sorry for what she did but that's it.


Longing, if you were my friend, and I came to you with this story about my wife, what advice would you give me? Better yet, imagine your son is an adult, and he came to you with this same story, what would you advise him to do?

My friend, I have to say, in my opinion she's crossed the unforgivable line; I would cease to know her. I know your head is spinning right now, but give it all some more time to sink in; you know the truth, *you'll never feel secure with her again*. Never.

T


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

It's tough to say for me what's unforgiveable but basically it's pointless she says she has no interest in working on our marriage and that's it. 

So, i guess i'll work on me. Don't know how i'm going to do this but i suppose i'll find a way.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

The update as it stands is that, my wife has fully come clean, at least i believe about whats going on. She did what she did, she knows it was wrong and she's in therapy to deal with it. 

Her therapist has advised her that talking to me is not a good idea. She says she doesn't love herself, she's not happy with who she is and what she just did is a big part of it, but more so what i did to her while i was in my addiction for two years. She has some valid points about what i put her through, i won't take that her away. But i faced my problems, cleaned up and provided in wonderful ways for my family. She brought up some one of points about things that i didnt do at certain times, things i neglected but stated that it was her being unhappy with who she was and the fact she didnt lover herself anymore. 

I don't know what to do, obviously i'm walking away to let her figure this out, but emotionally i'm left to deal with the situation i'm in alone. I've got all of our families possessions, debts, liabilities to take care of. We apparently are set to start some councilling in two weeks with the councillor i've been seeing but she says it's only to find out how we can be amiccable for our son. I told her that while that will need to happen at one point, i'm not looking to be a amiccable, i'm looking to either find a way to work on my marriage or get as far away from her as possible. I told her not to bother showing up if that was her intention. 

She still seems like she's depressed, and she's much more levelheaded than she's been so i've been advised that depression is a big part of this. I can respect some of the things she said and i'm willing to face them with her but i still don't think like she's gotten to the bottom of everything thats going on inside herself yet. 

Any advice for somenoe who's not ready to give up hope? Anybody been through this and seen how it ends up?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

The 180. It helps you cope with the sadness. It's not a cure all but it does help you gain some internal footing. The journey is ugly but the other side does have some relief. I am always sad to see people go through the pain of infidelity. Keep a inner motto that you will get through it even if its not the results you hoped for.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is in an affair and has followed the cheating wife script to a T. She will continue to blame you for everything. She wants out of the marriage to pursue the other man - but that will be blamed on you as well. So far you have let her have everything she wants. She is in total control. Nothing will get better until you stand up for yourself.

Forget about what you wish she would do or what you hope will happen. This is as much of a fantasy as her affair world. Deal with reality. She is cake eating. Living a single life and you are letting her do it. Quit letting her control you.

Get an attorney ASAP and file for divorce. That is the only thing that might shake her out of the fantasy. If it doesn't, you are ahead of the time line to end the marriage.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

I've been doing alot of reflecting and thinking and i've come to the conclusion that i value my family and my son's future enough to want to try and face this. I'm not in love with my wife, but i know that i love her nonetheless. I'm destroyed as a person by what has happened, i feel betrayed and abandoned. But i also realize that i contributed to the causes of her betrayal. I'm not responsible for her decision but i know that i did not show her the love and appreciation that she deserved. I'm a little absent minded and i do feel i negelected her emotional needs. I feel terrible for doing this because i do genuinely love her. 

She is no longer seeing the EA partner. She still works at the location but that cannot change because she is living on her own and has to pay for her apartment. It's been confirmed that he is indeed seeing someone else, who happens to be a friend of my wife's through mutual friends. They do not know what happened, bu ti encouraged her yesterday to tell them before the truth came out because i wasn't keeping any secrets. It was also confirmed that they never got physical with each other, although that doesn't actually make anything better. She did betray our life to him, she told him things about our marraige that i did not know, that i was not aware of and that are damaging and embarrassing to both me and my son. It seems this man obviously knew there was trouble before i did. This betrayal and the pictures is utterly devastating for me. 

We talked and she told me that it was his attention to her that drew her in. She wasn't happy at home, it has to do with our past and certain perceived things she says i do. Some are true, some are just definitely being blown out of proportion. 

I do believe she's in a fog, she is definitely not herself, although i can feel the fog lifting in terms of her anger and hostility towards me. But she is insistent that she doesn't feel anything for me and doesn't see this working out. I've asked her if she loves me and she won't answer. I could care less if she's in love wiht me at the moment that would be an obvious lie if she said she was. We have alot of history, a son, and a ton of responsibilities. We start councilling in two weeks together, each of us meets privately with the councillor next week. We've committed to going to councilling for 3 months together to attempt to see if this can be resolved. I'm hoping that with some help and the truth in the air we'll be able to decide to go through the process of reconcilling. But she says it's unlikely she's going to change her feelings and her mind. 

How much of this is the fog? And how much of this is the truth? Our marriage wasn't perfect prior to her cheating but it was good. We were moving in a good direction, and for the most part were happy. But we were definitley not emotionally close anymore. Thoughts?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Longingforhome said:


> She is no longer seeing the EA partner. She still works at the location but that cannot change because she is living on her own and has to pay for her apartment.


People who live in apartments change jobs all the time. Why can't she? Because there's no way you're going to get her back if they're still working together. Zero. 



Longingforhome said:


> It was also confirmed that they never got physical with each other, although that doesn't actually make anything better.


Unlikely. Women don't usually show pictures of their nana's to men unless sex is in the picture. Long distance EA's are known for doing this, but the two of them were elbow-to-elbow at work and she's alone in an apartment. Nope. Don't count on her chastity at this point.

What did she say when you told her about the picture? Have you told her? Does she realize that some people get off on splashing pictures of lovers' naughty bits all over the internet, and that her 'maidenhood' could be floating around on the world wide web for eternity? 


Longingforhome said:


> Thoughts?


Wasn't she going to a counsellor who advised her not to talk to you? Do you really want her in IC?? 

I'd skip all that and save your money. Pick up "Surviving an Affair" - make that TWO copies. Give one to your WW. Use this as your handbook to recover your marriage. Which, by the way, is completely recoverable IF she leaves that job. 

Speaking of money, you're not helping her out financially, are you? Stop it if you are. If she wants the fun of living single, she has to take the responsibility of living single along with it. You'll be surprised at how much that will help the fog to lift. 

Call your card issuers and find out how to cut her off any card you're responsible for. It's very common for waywards to completely clean out savings accounts and destroy credit ratings while they have their little flings.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

I had originally asked her to leave her job and start somewhere else. She has refused because she says she doesn't want to save the marriage and that she has a good job that she needs to support herself and our son when she has him half time. I know that R can not even begin to occur while she's there and the challenge is that he's now dating someone in her circle. So i doubt this will end up working well for anyone. I've told her that i can't even begin to get over what she's done with him around her. And while she's agreed to go to councilling and she's started to be more human and closer to herself nothing has changed in terms of her desire to end the marriage. She's started to make some slips however, she called me honey the other day. It actually hurt more than anything and i just ignored it. I don't even know if she caught it and i certainly didnt think it was intentional. She's indicated that she's trying to process everything that has happened. She's provided clear and concise guilt for what she's done and she's facing it publicly. She's agreed to "try" and all i've asked for is honesty and an open mind through the process. I've also indicated that i don't want to address whats happened with the A in councilling unless she's willing to put in the work. Because my goal in councilling is for truth and to get towards reconcilliation not to find out how to forgive my wife for walking out and abandoning her family. 

The physical part, i don't know what to believe. I'm not sure if it matters either way. It doesn't make it better if she didnt and i don't think it can make it worse if she did. This is a full blown affair either way. I've brought up the same points to her and she insists that it didn't happen. I'm really not interested in pushing that issue right now because as i said it doesn't change anything. 

I'm not helping her financially and she's started to make comments about the struggles to survive on her own. I am however stuck with our vehicle payments and mortgage since she left them all to me. 

Who wrote the book?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Your story is almost identical to mine except I don't have a child yet (thank God for that!). I had to go through the most agonizing two months of my life because of my STBXW who seems like an identical twin sister of your wife. i can gurantee that your wife has mental health issues. My wife actually went to shrinks long ago, but that didn't show any significant improvement. 

I am walking away from her. I understand that it might seem hard for you to do, and only you can decide what is good for you. I asked myself this question: would I want a morally culpable, dishonest, and two-faced person to bear and raise my children? The answer was a resounding NO.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

"longing for Home" is your major problem. You should be longing for peace, tranquility, truthfulness, fidelity, and honesty. 

Your goal of living without love and passion with the person who betrayed you so callously for the sake of your son will actually ruin his life. Totally. 

And it won't heal yours. Not at all. 

You have changed from the drug addict you were. You will never be THAT drug addict again. 

Oh, you might fall back into drug abuse, but never again the way you were. It will differ. 

She was a hard working faithful woman at one time. A woman who loved you, went through troubled times with you. She's not that woman anymore. Never will be again. 

Your child will grow up observing your relationship with your wife. Observing the coldness, the arguments, the lack of physical affirmations, the separate lives within a single household, the resentments (spoken and unspoken). This is how he will view relationships. This is how he will form his relationships. 

His relationships will fail. Each and every time. Your heart will break each time they do. You will want to give him advice. 

When those days come I want you to remember these days. The days you could have shown him how troubles are handled but failed to do so. 

In the end you won't be happy and certainly not fulfilled. Nor will your wife. And the most innocent of all, your son will be the most damaged. 

Think about it. Think hard.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

Wow, is this ever the most painful experience of my life. I found out my wife has continued to see the other man from her work and is actively spending time with other men including drinking and what she call cuddling????? Can't believe a word she says about anything. I've truly gone NC now, i have the forms being processed with my lawyer for intent to divorce, only thing you can do in Canada right now. Have to be seperated a year before divorce can be finalized but this gets the ball rolling. 

My wife obviously has no self esteem or self respect for herself. THis is the furthest thing from the type of person she is. I told her no councilling and she agreed she didnt want to go. She is just simply a different person. Everything is my fault, i'm the cause of all her pain and unhappiness and she is content to continue doing what she is doing. She told me during our last conversation that she loves me (not in love i'm sure) but that she doesn't want too. I left it at that. 

I'm arranging for mutual friends to facilitate the drop off of our child because i simply cannot look at her without feeling disgust. I've been weak and in shock for too long and i need to start finding my strength again. I'm terrified to face this, i can't sleep, i can't eat, and everywhere i turn i'm faced with dealing with the pain of what she's done. I'm finally able to sleep in the bedroom again, after i found out what she was doing in those photos i went back to the couch. 

How have other people been able to let go. I'm trying to get my heart to cooperate with what my head is telling me and i'm just not there yet. I"m an idiot but this is the mother of my child and my wife and i stupidly still love her. But i know that she will never put the right effort in that would enable us to get past that, nor has she indicated she wants too. So i need to start moving on as well. I have a great job, i'm a good person, i'm a strong and dependable man who provides well. I need to find a way to remember all the good qualities about myself so i can forget about her. 

Sigh.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> Be sure you cancel any joint accounts or credit cards ASAP. If she wants to live on her own, truly let her live on her own.
> 
> Sorry this has happened to you. Just try to detach the best you can and go dark on her.


THIS^^^^^^^

Also, take half the money in any joink bank accounts and move it to an account with only your name on it!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Longing,

as this continues to unravel, keep your head up high.

While you may be responsible for some of the issues in the marriage, onle SHE is 100% responsible for HER decision to let another man get into her pants.

She choose not to let you help her deal with her issues and instead decided the best way to make herself feel better was to open her legs for another guy. In doing so, she has exposed you to STDs so please see your doctor and get yourself a full work-up

Remember, this is NOT your fault!


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

I filed for divorce with my lawyer today, she'll be served the papers next week likely at her work as i'm told that's where the companies usually go first as it's easiest to catch someone at there place of employment. 

I havent responded to her texts, i havent contacted her, and when i had to see her while she dropped off my child on Saturday i refused to look at her and told her that i didnt have to time to wait while she diddled because being around her disgusted me. 

I'm done worrying about her, i'm working on putting this behind me. I decided to file for divorce mainly because without something in writing indicating that it's over i've felt like she's still cheating on me. IN my mind taking off your wedding ring and moving into a new apartment after an affair may mean you have a marriage in serious serious trouble, but to me your still marrried. So her continuing this on has just left me feeling like garbage. Today, she's free to do what she wants and so am i. I won't have to think about it from this point of view anymore. 

I'll keep posting because i greatly appreciate and need the advice and support. Thanks.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Longingforhome said:


> I filed for divorce with my lawyer today, she'll be served the papers next week likely at her work as i'm told that's where the companies usually go first as it's easiest to catch someone at there place of employment.
> 
> I havent responded to her texts, i havent contacted her, and when i had to see her while she dropped off my child on Saturday i refused to look at her and told her that i didnt have to time to wait while she diddled because being around her disgusted me.
> 
> ...



Im sorry that you had to come to this point but I think you know in the long run you and your child will be happier!! Good luck! Keep posting!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

LFH, what you are going thru is the same as the others BS on here.
But I have to say, I'm so glad you have finally found out the truth of the A.
We knew she was sleeping with the dirtbag, you just was not ready to see it. That's a product of your addiction guilt.
Now use the disgust to get this woman as completely out as possible.
Yeah, you still love her, that's not going to go away just like that. But you can limit the hurt with the disgust.
Stick with the 180, and NC unless it concern the child

You, my friend are a catch, so don't think for one minute you're not.
Sure it's tough handling the bills, but you have a home, new car, and a bright future.
So take your life by the throat and shake it to where you want it.
Cause Bro, even I can read how strong you are.

Good Luck and take care.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Change your addiction for my STBXH's abuse, and I could have written most of your story as my own. I believe that she feels that there was no sense in telling you the truth because in her mind, the marriage is over... doing the 180 in a manner that is not angry or malicious will be your best bet. 

The sooner you make her life more uncomfortable, the sooner she will realize the contributions you brought to her life. If she wants to go out and party, let her... but that means that you are keeping your son with you. 

Does she fit the normal criteria for being a "walkaway wife?"


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

Well the divorce paper work is completed and just awaiting my lawyer to approve everything. She should get served in next two weeks, wish it was faster. I got a call from her lawyer yesterday asking if it was okay if they mailed me her seperation papers, i just said go ahead, i'm going straight to divorce (didnt tell her that was just thinking it). 

Yesterday STBXW starts calling my cell phone in the morning, i let it go to voicemail both times. After lunch she calls again, i have no idea what she's calling about but its apparent she wants to talk to me. But i'm adamant that i'm not going to answer. IF she needed me that badly she'd text to tell me what its about and i can choose to respond. I havent responded to anything from her except drop off/pick up times for my son in two weeks. By 4pm in the afternoon she's calling again and when i just hang it up she calls my restaurant and my staff are like uh....it's your wife. For the life of me i couldnt figure out what was driving this woman so crazy but she was told i wasnt available. She called one more time than finally texted me "wow real mature" and went on to tell me taht her step grandfather had a brain aneurysm the night before and had to be rushed into the hospital they couldnt operate and he was critical. 

I still didnt know what to say i felt bad for her grandmother who is a wonderful lady more than anything but i still couldnt figure out why she needed to call me 5 times to tell me all of this. Anyways, it kind of threw me off. I texted her back later saying that i was sorry to hear, was wishing for the best but wasnt sure what else i could possibly do. Today i sent a card and teddy bear to the room for her grandmother who i do care about but that was just so that i wouldnt feel like i was a cold sob. I said nothing to her, didnt mention her in any way, and just left it at that. 

I can't handle her trying to contact me so much in one day by the end of the day it was really throwing me off. It took alot not to reach out to her because i knew something was going on that she needed to get in touch with me. 

But i deleted my old facebook page because she had made some comments about pictures that i'd posted (nothing crude, she just let on that she was looking), my pictures were of me and my son gearing up for the return of hockey. so i started a page that she can't find and deactivated the old one, i havent spoken to her or responded to her in two weeks and now she's going through **** and thinks that i'm going to be there. NOT happening.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like you're doing everything you need to move on. Keep your head up.

And keep us posted.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Oh, she'd love to have you in reserve - sort of an emergency parachute if she needs to bail. 

Real mature? She wouldn't know mature if she tripped over it.

You did the right and honorable thing with respect to her sick relative. You were there for them not her. She's still going to think everything is all about her bad self. That's how a little precious princess thinks. 

Continue to be indifferent to her.


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## Longingforhome (Dec 16, 2011)

so my son unfortunately is losing his daycare spot and the stbxw and I have to see a daycare together tmrw. I got the letter from daycare and unfortunately had to let her know. shes trying o be polite on the phone but it only makes me sicker. I really dont want to see her. but I want to do whats best for my son. hes havinv a really hard time adjusting. it hasnt been easy for him and im nervous about the transition on him to new daycare but im also nervous about going to a daycare the three of us and ut really confusing him. Im thinking I can go check it out by myself in the afternoon and then talk to her about it in the evening but im wondering if thats wrong. I do not see why I need to see it with her but for some reason I feel guilty. I just dont think I cohld pretend not to be disgusted in her presence and I dont think thats good for anyone.

I could use some real fast advice as its tmrw.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You have your son's best interest in mind. That's what matters most. You soon will be doing that without her presence. So, what's wrong with starting early?

You can check out the daycare center with your son or by yourself. You know what to look for. You can also inform them, if they don't already know, about your domestic situation. They should be able to give you some tips. 

There's no need for acrimony with your stbxw, you can be civil with her. But you owe her NOT A THING, if she want's to project herself as a wholesome woman who just fell out of love with you, that's her right. You don't have to play along. 

Why don't you go early in the day to the daycare and after you've checked it out, ask them if there's a benefit in you accompanying your wife later in the evening. If they think there's things you should hear together, then suck it up and go. If not - then tell your wife you've checked it out and you have no problems. 

It's tragic that the kids will suffer, but always remember - it wasn't you that caused this. And staying together for the sake of the children is almost always worse for them in the long run. 

Take no blame for the state of your children's emotional turmoil, that falls to her. But you need to be there for them and show them that daddy loves them still and always will.


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