# Trying not to go nuts



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I really am.
IC focused on "boundaries." helped me see how I may be pushing my H's boundaries when I expect something from him and get upset if I don't get it.
Other good things...ive been responding differently to my H when he does things like:
interrupt me and loudly talk over me
responding directly, politely, with humor. This is good.

BUT one thing is driving me crazy, and I'm open to advice:

imagine one thing that means a lot to you.
Your spouse has always known this, and before you got married, you shared it. They were happy to do it for you/with you.
(it isn't sexual)
it used to be a happy thing.

Now, they simply don't do it anymore.
You've told them why it's important to you, they seemed to understand and care.
But they just...won't...do it.

You see your spouse doing very thing for other people.
Hard not to take it personally.

He hasn't told me WHY he won't just do it already.
He just passively aggressively DOESNT.

I'm holding myself back from nagging and bringing it up yet again.
And trying instead, to actually do for HIM what HE'S asked ME to do.
Without that "what's in it for me?" attitude, but sincerely because I think when a spouse lets their spouse know what they'd appreciate, it's nice and good to do that for them.

Can anyone relate to this?
advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Basically the best formula is to make it known what you want, make sure he is always given the choice to do or not do. Then praise him when he does what you like. Nagging or forcing does not work.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hicks has said what sounds the right thing; can't help but wonder what the thing is you want him to do - ok it's maybe something you've deliberately not mentioned on the basis that it doesn't matter what it is it's the principle
Find myself just wondering because if for example it's actually quite a big whatever yet he's doing it for others, then it's possibly more of a 'snub' than if it were trivia - though yes I get that whatever it is it matters to you and he knew it and knows it (did he say ANYthing when you've raised the fact that he's not been doing it; and for how long HAD he done it and now HASN't he done it)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He's said he "will" do it.
So I'm supposed to believe and trust he will.
But I can't help wondering what's holding him back.
It's like it's become a "thing" that it needn't have become, with pressure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He hasn't told me WHY he won't just do it already.
> He just passively aggressively DOESNT.
> 
> I'm holding myself back from nagging and bringing it up yet again.


I wouldnt assume he's being passive aggressive. many guys are reactionary- they dont exactly know why they do what they do, they just follow what feels right, which is appropriate. 

for the longest time i wanted my H to write me letters. he used to do it in the beginning of the relationship. then he stopped. i would ask him again but he never did it. It was very depressing for me. What i realize now is that he didnt feel loving towards me and that is why he stopped. He recently wrote me again. It is much nicer to know they are doing something for you because they feel love towards you and want to express that love then to think you pestered them into doing it for you. If you pester them then the act can never exactly be loving. 

It is really hard not to take it personally and be hurt. There is still some things i wish my H would do but he doesnt. im not sure how to handle it. i guess im just letting it sit there until i figure it out. 

Your counselor sounds fantastic btw. im amazed that you got such a good counselor on the first try.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't be mysterious about this "one thing" you want and he doesn't do.

What is it?

It can make a difference in opinion.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Its a hard pill (for me) to swallow but I don't think you can make anyone do anything. 

He won't tell you why, you have told him it is important to you so there is no misunderstanding.

He still won't. At least for now, maybe he won't ever. 

Is that something you can live with or is there someway in that you can get that same need filled?

I'm sorry you are still struggling, its lonely I know. You do what you are "suppose to" - to make a marriage work and yet the other person (seemingly) won't play by the same rules. 

It sounds like there is some unspoken issue since he won't say "why". You have asked him, he won't elaborate, I would leave it alone. He knows, if he wants to "play" he will. People do what they want to do, ya know?

Best, Leah


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's said he "will" do it.
> So I'm supposed to believe and trust he will.
> But I can't help wondering what's holding him back.
> It's like it's become a "thing" that it needn't have become, with pressure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife likes is I help clean the house. But if she orders me around, nags, or gets pissy I don't do it on those terms.

So you don't have to "trust" that he will do it, but you observe whether he does or doesn't.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

OMG I HATE that my SO won't do the silly little things that mean the most to me. He is trying, but I know I will be looking around for ways to keep him going on it LOL Drives me INSANE!!! Especially when the things that do it for me are truly silly, little, SOOOO easy. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I am joking and that what I really want is flower, candy and all that crap HAAA NOPE REALLY I am NOT lying or joking HAAAAA 

He has been told the end all be all for me right now (and for the last year +) would just be to find me the John Adams gold dollar (I have a thing HAHA) but instead I get a stinkin ROSE? HAHA All they do is make me sneeze and a big mess when the cat turns it into a toy LMAO 

He thinks I was some big night out to a fancy resturant, when to send me over jupiter ad back, all I need a little note telling me how he feels, something as silly as stopping by just to give me a hug when I am going absolutely nuts over school. That's it. 

CANNOT figure out what the short circuit is on the issue, but if YOU do OMG pleeeeeeez share HAHA


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I really am.
> IC focused on "boundaries." helped me see how I may be pushing my H's boundaries when I expect something from him and get upset if I don't get it.
> Other good things...ive been responding differently to my H when he does things like:
> interrupt me and loudly talk over me
> ...


So, when you guys sit down and talk about this "issue" what does he say? When you say "Honey, we used to have fun doing this together, at least you seemed like you were? Was that a lie were you just doing that to make me happy and really hate it? Because it really is important to me and miss sharing that with you!"

Elaborate....


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

woodstock said:


> OMG I HATE that my SO won't do the silly little things that mean the most to me. He is trying, but I know I will be looking around for ways to keep him going on it LOL Drives me INSANE!!! Especially when the things that do it for me are truly silly, little, SOOOO easy. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I am joking and that what I really want is flower, candy and all that crap HAAA NOPE REALLY I am NOT lying or joking HAAAAA
> 
> He has been told the end all be all for me right now (and for the last year +) would just be to find me the John Adams gold dollar (I have a thing HAHA) but instead I get a stinkin ROSE? HAHA All they do is make me sneeze and a big mess when the cat turns it into a toy LMAO
> 
> ...


It's because they're idiots who think they know us better than we know ourselves. My boyfriend and I just had this issue yesterday, when I asked him about something he said, and he said something about that I would have exploded over it if he hadn't said it. Even though it was something I never would have even thought of if he hadn't said it first. And then he got mad because I asked him to tell me when I have ever done anything to make him think that I would explode over that issue. Because he couldn't. I hate it when they think they know what we think, feel, or want better than we do. 

As for the OP, while you don't want to nag, I don't see why you can't tell him that you don't understand why he won't do this thing for you when he'll do it for other people. If he won't tell you why, I'd really have to wonder what the reason is that he can't tell me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

michzz said:


> Don't be mysterious about this "one thing" you want and he doesn't do.
> 
> What is it?
> 
> It can make a difference in opinion.


Ok. I've posted about this before.

I've written a few short books that have been published.
On subject matter he's interested in (our religion, which we both are pretty involved in).
One was recently published and distributed. He brought a few copies home, all happy for me.
But hasn't read a single page of it. It's on a 6th grade reading level.

Now....
He reads other things every day---his friends' blogs, online articles, magazines--about *similar* subject matter.
----->(that's what I meant by "he does it for other people.")
so it's not that "he's just not a reader." he is.
It's not that "he's just not into the subject matter." he is.
He brags to people that his "wife is a published author, great writer."
but I feel like his accolades are just for show. I want to say to him, "how would you know?"

other people read what I've written---either because they care about the subject, know me, or both.
It hurts and confuses me that my own husband doesn't seem to care enough to read what's been published by me.
It makes me feel unsupported by him.
You want to be relevant to the person closest to you.

He knows all this---I explained my feelings about this IN MC.
I've told him since then it would mean a lot to me if he reads it.
Any more repetition about it from me turns it into me being needy and narcissistic. 

So...why hasn't he/doesn't he?

Either:
he simply doesn't care. Simply isn't interested. 
He's passively aggressively, maybe subconsciously withholding *because* I've asked him to do it.
It reminds him of his parents' stupid fights over political speech writing when he was a kid and he's afraid it'll lead to arguments.
---->(cry me a river)
he feels pressure from me so he wants to "do it right," take his time, not somehow screw up by not giving it full attention and then eliciting some scary response from me.

Here's the thing, though:
if HE created or produced something, I'd be the first to see/read/listen to/appreciate it. Happily.
And I have. When he performs, I show up, applaud, smile, support. I read the program cover to cover.
I've told him that his reading when I get published is, to me, "showing up."---to put it in his terms.
If he told me one specific thing he'd love for me to do, I'd do it.

I don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I wouldnt assume he's being passive aggressive. many guys are reactionary- they dont exactly know why they do what they do, they just follow what feels right, which is appropriate.
> 
> for the longest time i wanted my H to write me letters. he used to do it in the beginning of the relationship. then he stopped. i would ask him again but he never did it. It was very depressing for me. What i realize now is that he didnt feel loving towards me and that is why he stopped. He recently wrote me again. It is much nicer to know they are doing something for you because they feel love towards you and want to express that love then to think you pestered them into doing it for you. If you pester them then the act can never exactly be loving.
> 
> ...


This resonates. 
He's more likely to want to do it within a climate of happiness and peace.
Our current climate is tenuous.
But....chicken...or egg???

I purposely sought out an IFS counselor. 
The accuracy of IFS is like nothing I've ever encountered in psychology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

You both sound like smart educated individuals, so I trust he does understand what this means to you, and as you stated, he does have an interest in the subject matter and is a reader. So it sounds like he is doing it to punish or hurt you in some way. I just don't see any other reason, if he knows it will make you happy but refuses to do it then his intention can't be good. It sounds like you need to understand why he feels the need to hurt you. Or maybe you already know but don't feel it's justified. I am beginning to realize many people don't see the same situation in the same way and can actually see it in completely different ways, which often causes a lot of issues. It just doesn't make sense that anything else is going on other than him wanting to deny you this.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I suspect he sees it differently than the other stuff he reads.
That other stuff---he wants to. His choice. For him.
My stuff--he "has to" or "should." his duty and obligation. For me.

To me, that distinction sucks. 

Lately, he sees ME in a way I wish he wouldn't: as a high-maintenance, insecure, demanding PITA.
So anything in the category of request or meeting my "need," pushes him away.

Sucks. I'm trying to change things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How do you know he hasn't read your material?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

michzz said:


> How do you know he hasn't read your material?


He wouldve told me.
He knows how happy I'll be when I hear that he has.
He may even know we'll have great sex the day I hear that he has. 

before we got married, I'd written another that got published.
He read that one, was happy and interested to, didn't seem like such a big deal.

Now it's become a "thing."
I wouldn't get hung up on it if he didn't SEEM resistant, kwim?
If he read a page last week, browsed another this week, gave a generally "interested" vibe, I wouldn't be watching and waiting.

Likewise, maybe he feels like it's a "test" or something, so he doesn't want to "give me what I want."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Merely an observation
I too have written a book, and to be honest I'm not sure if my OH has ever read it in its entireity since publication because during my writing process he had input into certain parts of it and helped me consider the way specific chapters, sections, etc., flowed
It doesn't faze me that he's never specifically picked up the finished article because he demonstrated his interest 'during'.
Fingers crossed this might apply to you?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Merely an observation
> I too have written a book, and to be honest I'm not sure if my OH has ever read it in its entireity since publication because during my writing process he had input into certain parts of it and helped me consider the way specific chapters, sections, etc., flowed
> It doesn't faze me that he's never specifically picked up the finished article because he demonstrated his interest 'during'.
> Fingers crossed this might apply to you?


Mad,

"Disrespect" seems to be a bit of a fluid concept when tensions are high.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I know you say he used to do this for you and now he doesn't. But I wonder...is there any possibility that he's not reading it because he's afraid he won't like it or might disagree with some of it and he doesn't want to have to hurt your feelings? 

Did he ever disagree with or dislike what you've written before? You share the same religion, but are you sure he hasn't changed any of his opinions or feelings on it? 

If I'm remembering your other posts correctly, it seems you and your hubby haven't been getting along very well, but things have been improving a bit. I would consider the possibility, even if it's a slim one, that he knows how important this is to you, and is concerned that his reaction to it may not be what you expect or hope for, and he doesn't want to disappoint or hurt you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sure.

I'm a physical touch person and my husband is perfectly aware of that - I've told him more than once and we've talked about it.

While he would like to touch me more (hold hands, hug, etc.), it's just NOT COMFORTABLE for him - he didn't grow up in that type of family and he is actually uncomfortable with all the physical touching...it makes him 'feel' bad (his words).

At first I took it personally - very personally. But once I understood that he WANTED to touch me more, but it made him UNCOMFORTABLE to do it, I've backed off and compromised. I take what he can give. He does slap my butt and pat me on the back, arm, etc., and sometimes even throws his arm over me when we sleep - I live for these moments and no longer grieve what I wish I had. 

Sometimes you HAVE to compromise, even if you don't want to. Depends on how important it is to you and whether its a deal-breaker. If it's not, then compromise and move on. If it is, then you have some thinking to do.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I know you say he used to do this for you and now he doesn't. But I wonder...is there any possibility that he's not reading it because he's afraid he won't like it or might disagree with some of it and he doesn't want to have to hurt your feelings?
> 
> Did he ever disagree with or dislike what you've written before? You share the same religion, but are you sure he hasn't changed any of his opinions or feelings on it?
> 
> If I'm remembering your other posts correctly, it seems you and your hubby haven't been getting along very well, but things have been improving a bit. I would consider the possibility, even if it's a slim one, that he knows how important this is to you, and is concerned that his reaction to it may not be what you expect or hope for, and he doesn't want to disappoint or hurt you.


What makes sense here is that he doesn't want to "do it wrong."
he's afraid if he reads it, I'll then trot up to him like a puppy with my tail wagging and go, "what'd ya think? Huh? Huh? Did you love it??"
previous interactions are a factor in why he would feel this way.
So it's not all on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Mad,
> 
> "Disrespect" seems to be a bit of a fluid concept when tensions are high.


True. And, I'm going to try and interpret this. 

1. If our tensions weren't high, I wouldn't perceive this as "disrespect."
2. If our tensions weren't high, he'd "respect" me enough to do this.
3. Both?
4. Neither?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Merely an observation
> I too have written a book, and to be honest I'm not sure if my OH has ever read it in its entireity since publication because during my writing process he had input into certain parts of it and helped me consider the way specific chapters, sections, etc., flowed
> It doesn't faze me that he's never specifically picked up the finished article because he demonstrated his interest 'during'.
> Fingers crossed this might apply to you?


Congrats on writing a book!

That does not apply here.
It applies somewhat to my thesis---85 pages of academic, specific writing that I wouldn't expect him to read through. For that, it's enough that he knows and cares what it's about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sure.
> 
> I'm a physical touch person and my husband is perfectly aware of that - I've told him more than once and we've talked about it.
> 
> ...


But if your husband was out holding other people's hands on a daily basis and walking right by yours, it might hurt your feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

At this particular moment, I need to quit obsessing about it,
this particular moment should matter more than what hasn't happened or what might happen.
At this moment, he has things on his mind and MY support would help him.
So I need to understand that and "show up" for him.
I'm just venting here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So you really do not know if he actually read your publication and you are not sure if he absorbed parts of it during the writing.

I have the impression that he may have read it but does not want to be quizzed about it in case he offends you by not interpreting it correctly or not having memorized the entire thing.

He's in a kind of a no-win trap.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

michzz said:


> So you really do not know if he actually read your publication and you are not sure if he absorbed parts of it during the writing.
> 
> I have the impression that he may have read it but does not want to be quizzed about it in case he offends you by not interpreting it correctly or not having memorized the entire thing.
> 
> He's in a kind of a no-win trap.


No, dude.
I'm certain he didn't read it.
We live in a one-bedroom apt and we're together 90% of the time.
I'm 100% sure he didn't read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

michzz said:


> So you really do not know if he actually read your publication and you are not sure if he absorbed parts of it during the writing.
> 
> I have the impression that he may have read it but does not want to be quizzed about it in case he offends you by not interpreting it correctly or not having memorized the entire thing.
> 
> He's in a kind of a no-win trap.


And i can see why he'd feel he's in a no-win.

He currently sees me more as a PITA than a delight.
To him, my needs are currently a burden, not a pleasure.

Am I a PITA? Sometimes. 
But until HE doesn't see me as one, he won't be inclined to do something like read what I wrote.

Yesterday we were out with a few friends. 
One guy joked about his wife's "hot temper." (she wasn't there)
my H said, "actually with us, it's the opposite. I'm the one who flips like a switch. My wife is my ROCK." and gave me a hug and kiss.
It meant a lot to me to hear him say that.

That's the view and attitude that's going to make him want to do this "one thing."
But, the person who's "the rock" doesn't complain, whine, and reiterate this need.

Counterintuitively, the more I ask for something right now, the less likely he is to provide or do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I was a news reporter early in our marriage. I was really proud of EVERYTHING that I wrote. I wanted my wife to read it all.

But she only read some things and had really noncommittal responses to even those.

it wasn't so much a rejection of me, but she was busy with her own things.

We fought about it once or twice. I had revelation about it. To her, it was like how I didn't want to hear about every little thing that happened at her job. She saw my writing as my job. Glad I had one, glad I was good at it.

Maybe it's like that for him?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

michzz said:


> I was a news reporter early in our marriage. I was really proud of EVERYTHING that I wrote. I wanted my wife to read it all.
> 
> But she only read some things and had really noncommittal responses to even those.
> 
> ...


Yes, it is.

I write a lot of stuff.
I don't want him to read it all.

Just whatever is *published for general consumption.*

it's also part of "walking the walk" and practicing what he preaches.

He was a church youth director for years.
Supposedly, "this stuff" matters to him. 
You'd think he'd show interest.

He's a performer. 
I don't need to go to every practice or watch every video.
But when there's a *show*.....I show up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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