# Contacting ex mistress



## BecSad (Nov 29, 2012)

Long story but will make it short. Husband had a long term affair with out of town coworker. They would see each other maybe twice/yr and talk weekly. I found out about the affair by him telling me. Since then...he has abided by the no contact and when there was contact due to work...he would let me know or see what the contact was. I have not spoken with her.

Now, he will be working with her again. Long distance. I feel the strong need to contact her now....just to let her know I know the whole sordid story and that guess what...I DO exist. She knows I "know" because he is the one that broker it off with her....

Thoughts??? How would you handle?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tell him to start looking for another job, which is more important- his job or the marriage?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Agreed. He can't continue working with her, unless you don't mind their affair continuing? Cake eater...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

even IF the affair hasn't already started up again due to contact still be allowed you have to consider the following damage that still results-


1) as evidenced here- you will go apesh!t crazy with wondering and paranoia, as much as you want to trust him deep down you can't yet. This is no way to live

2) Even if the affair isn't ongoing, by remaining in contact the affair continues in your husbands mind and as a result is very detrimental to your R and marriage.

3) By remaining in contact the affair could very easily start up at a moment's whim


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

BecSad said:


> Long story but will make it short. Husband had a long term affair with out of town coworker. They would see each other maybe twice/yr and talk weekly. I found out about the affair by him telling me. Since then...he has abided by the no contact and when there was contact due to work...he would let me know or see what the contact was. I have not spoken with her.
> 
> Now, he will be working with her again. Long distance. I feel the strong need to contact her now....just to let her know I know the whole sordid story and that guess what...I DO exist. She knows I "know" because he is the one that broker it off with her....
> 
> Thoughts??? How would you handle?


When you say that he has abided by the no contact, did he send her a no contact letter? Should she not already be aware of your existence? 

Is there a reason that you currently don't trust your H and believe he will attempt to rekindle the affair?

I don't know that contacting her will make any difference. Unfortunately, she owes you nothing and may just lie or manipulate you into believing whatever is convenient for her. It's your H who owes you faithfulness and loyalty. If you believe that they will get together again, then perhaps your H's behavior has lead you to believe that it isn't over and would make your R a false one.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> When you say that he has abided by the no contact, did he send her a no contact letter? Should she not already be aware of your existence?
> 
> Is there a reason that you currently don't trust your H and believe he will attempt to rekindle the affair?
> 
> I don't know that contacting her will make any difference. Unfortunately, she owes you nothing and may just lie or manipulate you into believing whatever is convenient for her. It's your H who owes you faithfulness and loyalty. If you believe that they will get together again, then perhaps your H's behavior has lead you to believe that it isn't over and would make your R a false one.


I'm sorry, but I just realized that the OP said he abided by no contact....how the hell do you have 'no contact' when you still work with your AP????


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would not contact the OW. She knows all about you. Or at least, she thinks she does. If you call her, you are exposing precisely how insecure you are about the relationship.

OWs and OMs are notoriously smug. They believe that they can do what you cannot--that is, make your spouse happy. If you contact her, all you'll accomplish is giving her more satisfaction in that department. She won't be scared and she won't be dissuaded.

I actually met with my H's AP and talked with her for an hour face-to-face. But while I might have scored a point or two, there were plenty of other things she said that were very sobering. For example, when I told her never to contact my husband again, her very first comment back to me was that it was up to my H not to contact her. I assure you, this woman will be thinking the exact same thing.

And that's the issue. Your problem actually isn't with this woman. She doesn't have some magical powers. She is not unique. Her primary quality for your H was availability as a mistress. HE crossed marital boundaries and she was there. She's not some temptress who tricked a good man into being bad. He is the one who made these terrible choices, and he is the one you need to be dealing with.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I'm sorry, but I just realized that the OP said he abided by no contact....how the hell do you have 'no contact' when you still work with your AP????


:iagree:

That's what caught my attention as well. Is his "no contact" purely due to distance since they don't work in the same office; a "convenience" thing, or was there an actually no contact letter sent? Those are the questions I hope the OP can clarify.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I agree he should leave his job in this case. Have you found out if OW is married or in a relationship? If so have you exposed her husband or partner? If you haven't exposed, why haven't you? If quitting his job is not an option then you have to expose like crazy to the OW's partner, and the employer. It's the only other way you can guarantee that the OW will keep her hands out of your husband's pants.


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