# Expectations of your children



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

As parents we always wish so much for our children, like:

They will have a better life than ours. 
They will have achieve success and happiness like ours. 
They will be more successful and will not have to struggle with finances as much as we have had to
 etc...
. 

So I want to open this up to parents of young ones as well as the home where the nest is empty. But, I also want to keep the responses very open ended... Feel free to answer in terms of the personality, profession, etc...

So for those with young ones, what are you hopes, dreams, expectations for your children as they get old enough to fly on their own?

And, for the empty nest households, did your expectations pan out as you had hoped; better; about what you thought; worse  etc? 

I understand this may be a painful thread for some, I am not intending to pick anyone's scab, if you wish to share some painful experience, I ask all responders to treat each other gently and with a great deal of respect.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My oldest is 13, but since he was 3.5 years of age was diagnosed with a mental disability. We used to have to lock the doors to our house... he would run. Up till he was in the 4th grade he had to be schooled in a fully self contained classroom. He at times still functions like a 3 year old. To this day he still cannot be left completely unsupervised. We love him dearly, we would never ever have anyone else. Do not wish for any other son but him as our oldest. He has taught us what love really is all about. 

But, having said that we also understand he will not graduate from HS like other kids. He will get a certificate of completion. Even now as he is about to enter HS, they are already looking at what kind of vocational training he will be able to do. This will mean he is likely to live with mom and dad for years to come. Our biggest fear is when we are too old. We know he will likely need to be part of an assisted living, but hope that it will also be one where he can still function close as possible like everyone else in society. We know we don't have it that bad. So many have it worst than us. We are financially able to manage, but it is just the long-term future that gives us the biggest worry. 

Youngest who is 11... Another boy, but full of energy. All boy, but very affectionate and a softie (like dad) when it comes to others who are hurting. His only problem is he is dyslexic, but we pay to get him tutoring and it helps. He has made big progress. He makes up for it in his great math skills. His biggest asset in life, he is a very likable kid. I always try to teach him that all the smarts in the world will not make you successful, but rather to teach him that someday he will be a co-worker, spouse, and neighbor to someone.

He says he wants to be an inventor (dad of course is an academic scientist)... he spent some time in his younger years in my research lab when I used to be a bench scientist... hmmmmm. Anyway, I really don't care what profession he seeks just want him to be a person others will want to work with, someone will want marry and others will want to live next to. Everything I see I think he will meet these expectations.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am quite happy with where all three of mine are at this point. Pretty much all I ever wanted for them was to be happy. Which they generally are. They've had their issues, and my daughter still battles anxiety, but none of them has ended up on the streets or run away from home or in jail or addicted to drugs or pregnant.

I can't say that I ever had 'expectations' of them like some parents do. Well, I guess I did, I expected them to get an education and to grow up to be a contributing member of society, but I never tried to tell them how they should do so. I never told them they had to go to college or university, or high school for that matter (all three graduated grade 12 and the boys both are in post secondary). 

I expected that they would abide by most of the rules of the house as they grew up, and if they didn't like something and wanted it changed they should plead their case rather than just defy it.

And, someday, I do expect grandchildren. From at least one of them


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My children are free to live their lives as they see fit. Free to succeed. Free to fail. Free to learn at their own pace the same way I did.

My job (aside from parenting to the best of my ability) is to have healthy boundaries as they grow up.

Experience: 4 years of therapy.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My expectations are academic achievement (which she is more than capable of) and to be a decent, compassionate human being (which she is)

I think I've done a pretty f*cking awesome job so far 

Once she is an adult she is free to do as she pleases, all I ask is that she lives life to the full


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I never expected my son to be dating a cheerleader from state (my sons in Jr college, go figure). I hope I can get free tickets to the basketball games......the seasons sold out.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My daughters' Father had very high expectations of our daughters. College was not an option. They were overloaded in extracurricular activities. I thought he was too strict, demanding, etc. They rebelled but interestingly not too bad. Maybe because I was a very laid back parent.

Something worked.

Both girls are college educated, career-focused & nice people.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

drerio said:


> My oldest is 13, but since he was 3.5 years of age was diagnosed with a mental disability. We used to have to lock the doors to our house... he would run. Up till he was in the 4th grade he had to be schooled in a fully self contained classroom. He at times still functions like a 3 year old. To this day he still cannot be left completely unsupervised. We love him dearly, we would never ever have anyone else. Do not wish for any other son but him as our oldest. He has taught us what love really is all about.
> 
> But, having said that we also understand he will not graduate from HS like other kids. He will get a certificate of completion. Even now as he is about to enter HS, they are already looking at what kind of vocational training he will be able to do. This will mean he is likely to live with mom and dad for years to come. Our biggest fear is when we are too old. We know he will likely need to be part of an assisted living, but hope that it will also be one where he can still function close as possible like everyone else in society. We know we don't have it that bad. So many have it worst than us. We are financially able to manage, but it is just the long-term future that gives us the biggest worry.
> 
> ...


What is your oldest's illness?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I expect my children to be self-sufficient.
I expect my children to follow their hearts, but also to be responsible.
I expect my children to make mistakes and learn from them.
I expect my children to pay it forward.
I expect my children to be the people they were born to be.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I expect my daughter to give my wife hell, which she does and it amuses me hehe

But on a serious note: I'm happy with how she is right now, she's sweet, doesn't cause problems, fun and curious, obedient (at least to me hehe), and follows after daddy annoying mummy!


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

I want my boys to achieve the highest education possible. This will allow them to get ahead in the future. 

I want them to be repectful and polite saying " yes sir or yes ma'am "

The most important thing i want them to be is simply ....... happy


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I expect my daughter to give my wife hell, which she does and it amuses me hehe
> 
> But on a serious note: I'm happy with how she is right now, she's sweet, doesn't cause problems, fun and curious, obedient (at least to me hehe), and follows after daddy annoying mummy!


If my husband took such delight in making my kids treat me like that, I would hate being at home. It would be hell and I would have to distant myself from my husband and kids. I'd probably resent and hate him a whole lot.

Home should be peaceful. dang. But that's another thread.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I am pregnant with our first child and while I have many hopes and dreams for this baby, I don't necessarily expect our child to accomplish everything. My mother had huge expectations for me and the pressure from her was overwhelming, which I hated. I was always bound to fail in one way or another. I don't want to be like that with my own child and honestly, just want him or her to be happy with what he or she decides to do in life, as long as he or she is a good person. 

Can I ask you what your son's illness is drerio?

I think kids are very resilient and he may surprise you. I have a couple health problems that have resulted in me having many surgeries(I lost count) and so many people told me that I would never be able to do this or that. Well, I liked to prove people wrong and played soccer for many years, got off pain medication not that long after starting it, and regained my flexibility in that part of my body. I'm not sure if you use facebook, but there is a page on there called "shut up about your perfect kid" that is a fun way to connect with other parents who are going through similar things.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Darn it that_girl, I wasn't serious lol

Still I do find it amusing how much of a smart-ass she can be with her mum 
I don't make her treat my wife like that, and she doesn't most of the time, I just find it cute when she does heh

Now her kissing boys at school, I'm not happy with it, but I admit, that's still cute


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Emerald said:


> What is your oldest's illness?


He is on the autism spectrum. He is verbal, but has enough serious deficits that keep him from being able to function in a normal classroom setting. We had him assessed a few years back at Yale... the 35 page report was very sobering, but we love and accept him the way he is.

Edit: a bit perspective. If you were to talk to my son, his response would be to repeat back what you said word for word... Even if it was 500 words in length. He could not comprehend it, but he could repeat it. Not a good social skill for the work place.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I don't actually want to make this about my son... Want hear from others... But you have to understand we were overjoyed when my son was finally toilet trained at 11. No matter what we love him but have simple expectations.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

As a parent, I do always make sure that I could guide my kids as they grow up. Good environment is one helpful aspect in which they could adapt good values.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I want my girls to be happy, healthy and whole. Whatever that means *for them*

I want them to be their authentic selves, not hiding parts to try and be more acceptable.

I hope to be strong and trustworthy enough for them to be open with me about who they are and what they need.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I have raised my children to be able to think & act independently.
To understand that there are consequences for their actions & that they cannot blame others for their mistakes.
My kids all joke that I never miss an opportunity to make something a learning experiece. I taught them reading, maths & budgeting in the supermarket. They have all been avid news watchers since they were little & thus know a lot of world news.

Where they are now: DS24 - aspergers, pregnant girlfriend when he was 18, works for my MIL, drinks too much & I suspect smoes pot. We had bigger hopes for him.
DS22 - married to a lovely girl, working, studying, the most laid back & calm person I know.
DS20 - started his own web & graphic design business, Australian karate champ, very focused. From birth he has been driven (& driven us mad some times)
DD18 - was a bit wild from 13-15(sneaking out etc), settled down at 16, found out today she was successful in her audition to tudy flute at the music conervatorium. She is stoked
DD15 - strange child, always has been her own person. She has decided she wants to be an author, she does write very well. She has also decided she will study child care so she has an income while writing.

We have always encouraged them to follow their dreams, ie music, art, writing. They get to chose what subjects they want to do at school & if they want to study after school, they can choose their own career path.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you Bellavista for sharing.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

13 yr old daughter.....high spirit, rebellious, book smart, street smart, athletic. She wants to be a teacher or photographer. I just want her to find a man that loves her for her and not to live pay check to pay check. 

10 yr old son....athletic, loving, smart about math, has a hard time with spelling and reading. He wants to drive a tank. I see him as a warrior. I hope he finds a wife that supports him emotionally and that he not live pay check to pay check.

1 yr old daughter....loves to dance, entertain, lots of hugs and kisses. I see her being a stay at home mom or working with little kids. Of course she is to young to know more yet.

In general, I hope that they find happiness and do not have to struggle in life.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I wish that every parent could accept their child for what the are. Not every child will be on honor roll. Not every child is meant to go to college. All we can do is help to push them in a direction that will lead to a fullfilling life. There is nothing wrong with trade schools or military. 

I have accepted that my son will probably only be a B/C student. What good will it do to force him to earn As. I want him to enjoy school, not dread it.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

drerio said:


> I don't actually want to make this about my son... Want hear from others... But you have to understand we were overjoyed when my son was finally toilet trained at 11. No matter what we love him but have simple expectations.


What a great step in your son's life. I am glad to hear that you are doing what is best for him. Sometimes the cards we are dealt suck, but we have to make the best of them. Some of the best people I have meet have disabilities. They tend to be honest and loving. I have complete and utter respect for parents of children with special needs.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you underwater2010 for your kind words of encouragement. We love our sons dearly. Oldest has certainly taught us never to take anything for granted and not to be selfish.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My greatest desires for each of our children....is..to find their passions in life...whatever that may be.... BE HAPPY & fulfilled (I would hope this includes a family).... be able to afford to take care of themselves financially, and when they die, have few regrets, leaving a legacy of loving memories behind them. 

In this day & age, without some special Trade skill or a College education, I don't see how many young people will make it. I do worry about this, even those with a College Education -may not get anything out of it ... our 3 oldest are bright - good grades, rarely study, just not worried about them, they seem to have bright futures, hang with good kids.... our youngest 3... they struggle in school, I foresee our 4th maybe going to a "Trade" school over college, seems to be a "working with his hands" type. 

Our daughter thinks school is the dumbest thing ever invented, hates to read, hates to study & ...well... I hope she will pick up as she ages. Our youngest is by far our biggest handful, giving our family a bad name ....... he's gotten detention twice in Kidnergarten, his temper & mouth is too unruly. My expectation for him right now -is just hoping I don't get a call from the Principal !!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

drerio said:


> My oldest is 13, but since he was 3.5 years of age was diagnosed with a mental disability. We used to have to lock the doors to our house... he would run. Up till he was in the 4th grade he had to be schooled in a fully self contained classroom. He at times still functions like a 3 year old. To this day he still cannot be left completely unsupervised. We love him dearly, we would never ever have anyone else. Do not wish for any other son but him as our oldest. *He has taught us what love really is all about. *
> 
> But, having said that we also understand he will not graduate from HS like other kids. He will get a certificate of completion. Even now as he is about to enter HS, they are already looking at what kind of vocational training he will be able to do. This will mean he is likely to live with mom and dad for years to come. Our biggest fear is when we are too old. We know he will likely need to be part of an assisted living, but hope that it will also be one where he can still function close as possible like everyone else in society. We know we don't have it that bad. So many have it worst than us. We are financially able to manage, but it is just the long-term future that gives us the biggest worry.


Drerio: You sound like such a loving Father... I don't feel it would be easy to be in your shoes ... Some people say to me how can you handle 6 kids.. for me, I feel that is easy....but your road, the challenges you face day to day.. God bless you. 

To hear parents -with such thankfulness -given these daily challenges you face...and not easy ones you've shared here...that your children has taught you what LOVE really is......it's very touching . I've often thought had I had a child with disabilities, I could not handle it...actually I still feel this way...I feel it would drag me down. Someone told me once, God just gives you the strength to get through. 

It takes 2 very special parents to have that kind of loving patience, encouraging them daily, celebrating every little joy -being there through thick & thin. 

So I have the highest praise for You & all those who walk a similar path. 

We have good friends who has 2 Autistic children...one had Selective mutism (but he is talking more now as he entered his teens).. the other highly functioning Aspergers...we've watched them grow up, coming to our house for visits....their challenges, so I got to see 1st hand some of the Joys...along with sharing their struggles.....we would laugh at some of the older son's obsessions.... I remember this one time he was obsessed with vacuum cleaners -you could ask him anything, he'd know the answer in detail. The boy loved to study what he was into. 

Just different things when he'd came to our house, they'd talk about what he was into now.. always made for some interesting stories. A great blessing to their lives also. These friends of ours moved away now, but we miss them... Keeping tabs on Facebook.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SA,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It can be a challenge, but my wife and I take it a day at a time. I actually think had it not been for my son, I would be selfish and bitter. My post on TAM would probably not be very encouraging or too judgmental. My son (Asher) has taught me more about the human experience than any book or all my education has ever given me. I am so thankful for my loving wife, I love her soooooo much and I am blessed to have her part of this experience. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with your friends children.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

drerio said:


> SA,
> 
> I actually think had it not been for my son, I would be selfish and bitter. My post on TAM would probably not be very encouraging or too judgmental. My son (Asher) has taught me more about the human experience than any book or all my education has ever given me. I am so thankful for my loving wife, I love her soooooo much and I am blessed to have her part of this experience.


 I do feel our hardships help us be more understanding/ compassionate that we might not otherwise have been. Though many may be bitter *with* those hardships...it is a blessing you see it's opposite effect in your lives. 

I did *not* handle MY hardship well...for instance... 

I suffered infertlity for years -when my hearts desire was a large family....which helped me understand "loss" -you might say -even though at the time we still had one child... We once attended an "Infertility Retreat" - (I was friends with the organizer)....... Many there probably thought we didn't belong, who was this Mother wanting more children -when I had the blessing of a son... Life can be so unfair, I sat & heard their stories, seen their tears...watched them plant a tree for the babies they hoped to conceive one day. I almost felt guilty being among them - but so thankful at the same time. 

I HATED that experience, I was impatient, MAD at God, wasn't the nicest to my husband either... I didn't handle my hardship very well ....

So in this way.... I understand the struggle of human emotions & a passion for a "hearts desire", as this was mine. AND ANGER over it's unfairness when it hits our door....

Had all of these things came easy to me... maybe I would have taken my children for granted... (funny as they started coming, that is what I did with their dad!)

I loose my patience at times...feeling like pulling my hair out ..with the arguing, dirty feet on the floor, seems they all have a tape worm, crusty cereal bowls, water bottles scattered around the house, gum in the carpet/ in their hair, the Mom "I threw up" at 3am's, the boys can't aim their pecker in the pot, the drain of $$ for friends birthday parties is enough to make us go broke... I am tempted to scream -ENOUGH... then it hits me.... 

What if their wasn't any fingerprints on the wall, if the house was silent, no need to buy gum, no Plays to go to & cheer, only our boring schedules to tend to, no laughter of friends in the other room, around a bonfire, family howling together watching "Home ALone", or children playing in the sand box......

I KNOW what a blessing children are, because I walked this road of infertility & had many yrs of worrying I may never get the chance for the beautiful chaos it brought to our lives. 

But when going through it.... I wanted to rip the head off of everyone who told me to "RELAX", I questioned God, I cried many tears, my husband was very patient with me, so was my friends. I did more whining, bi*ching & moaning over wanting more kids than - well anything else in my life.

This was getting off the beaten path of course....but just to say... I know what you mean about hardships building some character in us.


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