# My GF's ex committed suicide



## numberonedad

Hello,
I need help.
Mutual friends had introduced my GF last year in April, we hit it off and have been very serious and strong for a year.
Now... My GF has a 18 yr boy and 16 yr girl, Her Ex....their Dad ...died of a self inflicted gun shot on June 12 last year. She was with him 17 years and filed divorce twice and never went through with it. She was living in an apartment for a year before we met.
She took care of the funeral and had cleaners fix and clean the house,she also seen the crime scene and took over where his business left off ect. ect. ect. I admired her for her strength and the way she handled things,she helped her kids through this...its been a rough road on the daughter.
I haven't mentioned yet the whole marriage was unhappy very abuseful and draining,shes had broken bones,bloody kids ect. ect. from her husband who suffers from alcohol and drug use. This last Memorial weekend she has gotten distant from me and friends, she says she's having a hard time with it,I believe the shock is gone and her kids are on their feet and she is finally starting to grieve,her son graduates this week and she is sad, sad at any milestone for her kids, I can understand. 
What Im struggling with is I usually hear from her everyday and this week only once all week,ive left her alone to have some space. I feel like the ex is getting all the honor and respect, I feel slightly betrayed and backstabbed, I just learned (through a friend)that she finally bought a bench for his grave site and it has her name on it too!! she told the mutual friend that she wants to be buried next to the kids father. 
I was devastated when I heard this,she does not know that I know,How can I have a future with this person when I know this info,I have nothing to look forward too.
I don't know whether to bolt or try to tough this out,I don't know what to do, She is an amazing person but cant believe that ive been treated like this the last week.
thank you for your help in advance.

And if I stay by her side how do I get her help? She's gotta have post tramatic stress.


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## numberonedad

125 views and no replies????:scratchhead:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

People have their own feelings that don't involve anyone else. In a relationship, you have to respect that, because whatever they value in memory for someone else, is something that might apply to you too. Expecting someone to have no emotional history or sense of family (even if you think it's flawed and should be forgotten) isn't realistic. It takes grace to accept that even if you are the center of someone's current universe, someone else may have been the center of it in the past. People deal with past, present, future concepts of time differently. It's a very unique experience. You have to realize that the way you experience the past may not be the way your GF does, or her kids. Imagine being given the impression by one parent or a group of people that your father should be forgotten and ignored and maybe even disrespected just because he was flawed. Kids are very tied to their roots. They may even worry that they might grow up to have the same tendencies as their dad. Staying close to his memory is important, to know that it's manageable, and not some experience that has to be swept under the carpet. They need to know, all of them, that their past, their life, and especially her choices, while not entirely healthy, are not shameful or dishonest either. You may be relieved that the guy is gone, but he's not going to be forgotten, so why pretend or request otherwise.

My father committed suicide when I was 17. Yes he could be angry at times. He could even be physically and emotionally abusive. But there were times when he was uniquely my dad. If I get rid of all of the bad memories, I have to get rid of the good. So I never got rid of either. There are plenty of people who took his place in terms of fatherly duties, some of them did well, others had major issues...nobody is perfect. But to sweep my dad under the carpet is like saying he shouldn't have existed and therefore someone else should have been my dad, and I would have been better off. I think that's bunk! And completely theoretical. You can't change the past. And forgetting it is impossible either.

Yes, goaded into replying by comment. :-o


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## See_Listen_Love

numberonedad said:


> What Im struggling with is I usually hear from her everyday and this week only once all week,ive left her alone to have some space. I feel like the ex is getting all the honor and respect, I feel slightly betrayed and backstabbed, I just learned (through a friend)that she finally bought a bench for his grave site and it has her name on it too!! she told the mutual friend that she wants to be buried next to the kids father.
> I was devastated when I heard this,she does not know that I know,How can I have a future with this person when I know this info,I have nothing to look forward too.
> I don't know whether to bolt or try to tough this out,I don't know what to do, She is an amazing person but cant believe that ive been treated like this the last week.


Hi #1Dad,

I think you are right with your feelings about this. I understand she was still married to him? That means you are the Other Man, to the family?

She at least does not take you serious, she is not with you grieving about him, so the two of you are missing the most deep level of communication and intimacy in your relation: That of grief, when you have to be alone in that, what good is your relation anyway??

You need to explain the kind of relation she has with you, and the one you have with her.

Does she feel left alone by you in these heavy circumstances, or did she feel the need to be alone.

How old are the two of you? What is your relation history? What are your common interests?


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## EleGirl

You need to talk with her about how you feel.

It sounds to me like she was still emotionally connected to her husband when she was dating you, before his death.

Her name on the bench might be a way for her to show support for her children in their grief more than anything else.


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## Thebes

You really need to talk to her and find out where you stand here. 

If she is wanting to be buried by him she probably was still in love with him and only left because of the abuse and wants to be beside him in death. 

I've seen men buried right in between their first wife and second when the first wife died then they remarried.


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## lifeistooshort

Death tends to elevate people, and she's probably rewriting her history with him to be more favorable now that he's gone. This will turn into her own little fantasy, the one true love that took his life, and you are never going to be able to compete with it. Death does that, heck even many artists didn't become famous until they died. She probably wasn't ready to be dating on the first place. Cut your losses and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numberonedad

I just got done talking with her,she said this week has been very hard,the anniversary of his death is coming up and sons graduation,She feels a lot of guilt.She has been praying with the pastor this week. Shes had a lot of mixed feelings,she has bad dreams. We had small talk and I reassured her that shes in my thoughts and prayers. We've never had comm problems till this week but its understandable. I don't know how to feel about the her name on the grave site,im going to have to ponder that,its not a jealousy thing but more of a sacred thing to me,the guy who hopefully is at her side till we die.
I just know that I would want to be buried next to the woman who has my heart, I would NEVER consider being next to MY kids' Mother

I asked her to talk to me if she has irrational thoughts and odd mood swings,I told her im going to be keeping an eye on her... she said"thats good!"

And she thanked me for the space I gave her this week.
We both agree that she has PTSD,I mean she seen the blood ,teeth,scull pieces all over the house. She moved back in the house after the cleaners finished and weeks to months later she would find a piece of him.....

So bottom line is im going to stand by her even if I feel pushed away or not getting all my needs ,we are best friends and I love her .
I have to get over my worrys and anxiety in this situation and not be defensive. 


Oh and she's gone to one grief camp with her daughter.
She has seen her dr about different anti-depressants,
As far as I know she hasn't seen anyone about PTSD


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## unbelievable

Nothing elevates people to sainthood quite like being dead and I believe this is especially so when they were taken suddenly. She was with the guy 17 years, birthed two kids for him, suffered broken bones for him, etc. If one called her "codependent", they wouldn't be taking liberties. As rotten as the guy was, he was her guy and his drama occupied a huge segment of her life. If she didn't feel a sense of loss at his death, she wouldn't be operating as a normal human being. 
She's mourning and we all do that in our own way and rationality has little to do with it. The up-side of this coin is two-fold. Your girlfriend is obviously capable of tremendous devotion. You might find her devotion to you quite handy in the future. Secondly, if you ever did have a rival, you know he aint going to be calling, texting, writing, or sneaking around with her. Bless his decomposing heart, he set the bar very low. If he could extract love and devotion from your wife with his sorry, abusive character, imagine what a decent guy might get.


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## numberonedad

Her husband cheated on her a lot and even at the workplace where they both worked, she never considered straying, she is a very loyal woman, She's tried to work things out more than any else I know. she's a trooper, but she also was scared to death, her and her children had to hide a lot when he would come home. She has not ever mentioned or suggested cutting ties with me even after the stress that she has endoured over the year. Its been hard, Ive never gone through anything like this and I have a lot of mixed feeling and worries. I just hope "good things happen to those who wait" comes true!
I love her and I treat her like a queen!


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## Wing Man

It's a touchy subject indeed; but even as crazy as my ex was there are parts of her that I did really love - and still do, so if she ever died I would be very upset at hearing that news and would need some time to grieve and hopefully my wife would understand. Because if her ex boyfriend died I would definitely be understanding if she needed time to grieve over it.


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## See_Listen_Love

numberonedad said:


> Her husband cheated on her a lot and even at the workplace where they both worked, she never considered straying, she is a very loyal woman, She's tried to work things out more than any else I know. she's a trooper, but she also was scared to death, her and her children had to hide a lot when he would come home. She has not ever mentioned or suggested cutting ties with me even after the stress that she has endoured over the year. Its been hard, Ive never gone through anything like this and I have a lot of mixed feeling and worries. I just hope "good things happen to those who wait" comes true!
> I love her and I treat her like a queen!


As a precaution you could read No More Mr Nice Guy to begin with. To prevent a situation where she would cheat on you because the somewhere likes the Bad Guy type because of the typical Bad Guy traits. You would not want to find yourself in a situation like so many here where you find yourself the 'friend' but not the lover.


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## numberonedad

any particular author??? I googled it and there's a million books about that.
I have often thought about that statement "nice guys finish last" I am blind to be takin advantage of sometimes , I think im just very easy going and I don't try to sweat the small stuff.


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## See_Listen_Love

No More Mr Nice Guy even has a free pdf download, you find a link on these forums if you search for it.

Robert Glover I think is the author


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## See_Listen_Love

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

This was in another thread


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## jpr

My brother committed suicide...and yes, while he could be a massive jerk, when a loved one takes their own life, there is a certain guilt that haunts you for the rest of your life. She is probably going through a mix of emotions right now. ...thinking if she could have done anything to prevent this from happening? What if she would have stayed with him, would she have been able to prevent this? 

...the fact that he took his own life highlights the severely of his problems. When my brother was alive, I would get so angry with him about how he treated other people and his family. He could be a real jerk...but, after he died, I don't know..:scratchhead:...it is sort of like I started to really feel sorry for him. He was in so much pain---an incredible amount of pain--a pain so deep that I don't think I could ever possibly understand. 



It has only been a year since his death. My brother died 9 years old June 15th. ...this time of the year still brings back a lot of sadness and a lot of memories. I have found a bit more peace in my brother's decision...but, I still wonder what he would be doing today if he were still alive.

Your girlfriend is probably having similar feelings about her ex at her son's graduation. At her son's graduation, she was probably remembering and reflecting on her son's childhood--and her ex is linked to that childhood...he was a part of it. ..and now he is gone. He will never be a part of another one of his child's milestones again.

About the bench...I remember when my brother's tombstone was finally placed on his gravesite. It was placed on there about 6 months after his funeral. I remember thinking to myself, "Well...this is the last major event in my brother's life. His tombstone has been placed. Nothing momentous will ever happen to him ever again. "

Personally, I think you are thinking of this through sort of a selfish point of view. In time, your girlfriend's thoughts on being buried next to her ex might change---they may not...but they might. She did once have a family with him. It is hard to let go of these things--with time it is easier.

But, it has only been one year. There is no easy fix for this. ...just time. In time, you start to recall the entire history and you gain a greater perspective. The most you can do is support her and make it known that you are there for her. Don't try to fix this by suggesting medication. She needs to do this on her own. It is good that she is talking to a pastor.

In her eyes, there is no way that you can truly understand what she is going through. ...but, you can make her know that you love her. I remember cherishing cards and emails that I would receive on my brother's death anniversary one year later. It meant that my friends remembered still...that they still cared. Just knowing that people care means so much. ...and just knowing that they don't just want to wipe away this memory and "fix" my sadness meant a lot to me.

My mom found a lot of support and help in support groups for suicide survivors. In the support group, you are surrounded by people who have lost a loved one to suicide--in this support group, my mom found people who could truly understand her emotions and what she was going through.


This has got to be such a tough time for your gf. My heart goes out to her. The memories must just leak through into her brain all the time.


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## numberonedad

Thanks for all the comments!

I think maybe im worring too much of looking into things a little negatively.

Im starting to understand the grieving process better. I spent the night on her Bday and had a good time. I wanted her to come to my house this week sometime to talk and she came tonight. We had deep conversation nonstop

from 6 to midnight. We're back on the same page,there was a bit of communication breakdown that started this, but we sorted through it with ease. I understand her as well as she understand my feelings.


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## See_Listen_Love

numberonedad said:


> We had deep conversation nonstop
> 
> from 6 to midnight.


THIS

If you have this, you may praise yourself a lucky man.


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## jerseygirl123

If I read your post correctly, you had only been dating a few months when her ex died. That had to be so shocking to you! I'm really sorry.

She didn't have the chance to have closure. He took that chance away from her. She could indeed have PTSD and needs grief counseling. 

I would definitely make it plain to her that you are in for the long haul. The fact that she's withdrawing could mean she is just lost in depression. It's the anniversary month of his death. 

I am so glad you've been talking again. Hopefully, together, you can get through this.


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## loving1

I am going to have to agree with unbelievable when it comes down to it, death has a way of making even the vilest person something of a saint. i think that if you have the patience you will be able to see this through, but then again you deserve to be happy also. To be frank, the fact that you were the OM in this family's life might make her feel cold towards you as guilt swallows her up, but that is on her shoulders and she will have to work through that too.


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## nogutsnoglory

loving1 said:


> I am going to have to agree with unbelievable when it comes down to it, death has a way of making even the vilest person something of a saint. i think that if you have the patience you will be able to see this through, but then again you deserve to be happy also. To be frank, the fact that you were the OM in this family's life might make her feel cold towards you as guilt swallows her up, but that is on her shoulders and she will have to work through that too.


 I wish you the best of luck. She may end up being only a close friend in the long run for you, but when we put our hopes aside sometimes the closeness of a good friend is as important in life than almost anything. She needs a good friend and you are being that. You have done well to put aside your wants to be that for her.


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## numberonedad

Hi.
Its been awhile ,I would like to update you all and once again thank you for the help!
We had about 4 weeks that were amazing starting about a week into June,we had a nice 4 day vacation at her camper over 4th of July,I remember that Sunday about an hour before I had to leave to get my kids and go home,I looked at her and she had big tears in her eyes,she was already missing me. 
Things were good till last week in July and things have been chaotic for her. A lot of very expensive vehicle breaks downs and stress with her kids. She found her daughter at the gravesite one day taking a nap on the gravestone. Very sad.
It tears my GF up. She has also been working odd hours,day shift,then graveyard shift, It seems like when She's stressed her communication and affection,flirtyness goes down hill fast.
And it is hard on me, I like to flirt and if I send txts I don't get a reaction or the reply I was hoping for. Its hard to deal with when we only see each other about once a week.
Its always made me a little uneasy when any GF is cold and distant to me.
I have been reading the book "no more mr nice guy" There is some good points of interest in there and also some material has been confusing. Some doesn't apply also. 

I went camping with my kids this last weekend and I sent some flirty txts(its been a couple weeks since some naughty txts) in the morning and there was no reply,just a "morning,I just got up". I told her it was starting to frusterate me and that it makes me feel unattractive to her. That pissed her off. Havent talked since yesterday when it happened other than we txt "goodnight" to each other. I plan on talking tonight with her.


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## nogutsnoglory

numberonedad said:


> Hi.
> Its been awhile ,I would like to update you all and once again thank you for the help!
> We had about 4 weeks that were amazing starting about a week into June,we had a nice 4 day vacation at her camper over 4th of July,I remember that Sunday about an hour before I had to leave to get my kids and go home,I looked at her and she had big tears in her eyes,she was already missing me.
> Things were good till last week in July and things have been chaotic for her. A lot of very expensive vehicle breaks downs and stress with her kids. She found her daughter at the gravesite one day taking a nap on the gravestone. Very sad.
> It tears my GF up. She has also been working odd hours,day shift,then graveyard shift, It seems like when She's stressed her communication and affection,flirtyness goes down hill fast.
> And it is hard on me, I like to flirt and if I send txts I don't get a reaction or the reply I was hoping for. Its hard to deal with when we only see each other about once a week.
> Its always made me a little uneasy when any GF is cold and distant to me.
> I have been reading the book "no more mr nice guy" There is some good points of interest in there and also some material has been confusing. Some doesn't apply also.
> 
> I went camping with my kids this last weekend and I sent some flirty txts(its been a couple weeks since some naughty txts) in the morning and there was no reply,just a "morning,I just got up". I told her it was starting to frusterate me and that it makes me feel unattractive to her. That pissed her off. Havent talked since yesterday when it happened other than we txt "goodnight" to each other. I plan on talking tonight with her.


You need to be grateful for what she can give and stop putting expectations on her. It will drive her away IMO. She can't be there to meet your needs in full and on cue. Sounds like her personal plate is full and certainly her emotional plate is over full. I am glad to hear you have had some good moments but you need to put yourself in her shoes more and stop trying to get her to make you feel better about things. Be a friend and support her and let time pass. Her daughter on the grave is sad but also very telling. There is a great loss there, regardless of the history. She needs to take care of herself and her family. You are an after thought to her and you should be right now. She is your primary thought and although understandable, you cannot pressure her or make her feel like she is failing in any way. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.


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## numberonedad

nogutsnoglory said:


> You need to be grateful for what she can give and stop putting expectations on her. It will drive her away IMO. She can't be there to meet your needs in full and on cue. Sounds like her personal plate is full and certainly her emotional plate is over full. I am glad to hear you have had some good moments but you need to put yourself in her shoes more and stop trying to get her to make you feel better about things. Be a friend and support her and let time pass. Her daughter on the grave is sad but also very telling. There is a great loss there, regardless of the history. She needs to take care of herself and her family. You are an after thought to her and you should be right now. She is your primary thought and although understandable, you cannot pressure her or make her feel like she is failing in any way. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.




I totally agree with everything you said. She came over tonight and we talked for 4 hours. I listened to the reasons why she feels so guilty...I understand what she was saying , weeks before his end he was calling her all the time begging for his family back and begging for help....she's went back so many times except this time.......now hes gone. It brought tears to my eyes,I feel her pain shes going through. Our relationship is back on track and she is so appreciative of me being there for her. Its going to be hard but I believe there is gold at the end of the rainbow some day. I have to quit worrying!


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## See_Listen_Love

and about the texting:

The need for constanct contact and reaction may be a bit unheathy in this society of nowadays.

It's like you cannot be apart for some time, but if there is love it can bridge at least a vacation. 

Have more confidence in yourself, and GIVE her the trust and, GIVE her the time to be alone. Your confidence, your gift.


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## numberonedad

Yeah I agree with the texting also, whats hard is it is not just me,we were in kinda a routine when it came to talking and texting. She felt the same,she felt the need to to talk at least once a day,and we always talked right before work to tell each other to have a great day and communicate what each other is doing after work ect..... 
So my point is when your used to something....talking,texting,flirting and all the sudden it changes,its hard to understand at times,the feeling of being pushed away doesn't feel good at all,but im learning im going to have to keep myself busy and be more confident(which I do have a problem with,more so in past relationships....its hard to be confident when you see and hear so many unfaithful people and amount of divorces,news,media,ect... the world has a lot of demons,seems like no one has values anymore)

Im glad I have this forum to get educated.
I don't remember if I mentioned this,I moved out of my home town to be closer to my GF and my kids. So im in a apartment and don't know anyone for 30 mile radious. Im a single Dad and always have a bit of emptiness when I don't have my kids.

thanks everyone!


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## numberonedad

this last month has been hard. The amount of stress on my GF is ongoing and random things keep happening. Now her daughter was dumped by her BF and we have been dealing with teenage drama everynight of the week. Very exhausting on my GF. I hope this starts to get better,I don't know how long I can hang in there. I am receiving very little reaction,intimacy,deep talks, or anything lately. She has called to vent about things and shes been there for me this last weekend when I had behavior issues with my kids.(my GF is a para at a school) she talked to the kids for me over the phone. I wish things were back to normal


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## Decorum

NOD,
Thank you for updating your thread. I remember when you posted.

You did not expect this when you started seeing her, but it is still very early for her by any measure.

Maybe IC would be in order.

If you want to be there for her then this is part of it, but you still need to tell how you feel without placing expectations on her.

She will understand your pain most likely, women are good that way.

Thank her for anything she does for you, she needs to know that she is an important part of your life, talking to your kids was very good of her. She sounds like a decent lady.

I wish you well,

Take care!


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## numberonedad

So I have been skimming through "no more mr nice guy"
and I have to tell you a lot of it doesn't make effin sense at all.


One story of a man that would listen to his wife vent every night after she comes home from work. He was reinforcing the behavior????? really???? isn't that what we as partners and best friends supposed to do is be there when your love one needs to vent???? the advice was to ignore her and the next day she came home happy cause she figured it out by herself.
really????? So to be in a healthy relationship you have to ignore your partners bad days and do things for yourself????
This seems so wrong!!!!! I don't know if im just making myself worse off by reading this book.

Last night I told my GF the she is important in my life and that I love her. I never did get any reaction back. So I have hardly told her lately that I love her,I will wait tiill she says it first.

I appreciate everybody's replys on this forum.Thank you!


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## Jasel

I mean no offense when I say this, but your posts come off as kind of as needy and clingy. They also come off as more than a bit self-centered. I can understand why your gf would be growing more distant from you.

I'm seeing more about how you feel, what you're not getting, what you want from your gf, what you need from your gf, what your gf isn't giving you, etc much more so than what she or her children are going through, how they feel or what you're willing to do for them. 

It really does sound like you need to step back and give your gf the amount of space she needs and stop placing expectations on her as to how she should make _you_ feel. Especially considering what her and her children are going through.




> Last night I told my GF the she is important in my life and that I love her. I never did get any reaction back. So I have hardly told her lately that I love her,I will wait tiill she says it first.
> 
> I appreciate everybody's replys on this forum.Thank you!


That sounds pretty passive-aggressive. I hope things work out but you really should keep an open mind with NNMNG and should probably read Married Man's Sex Primer as well.


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## numberonedad

Jasel said:


> I mean no offense when I say this, but your posts come off as kind of as needy and clingy. They also come off as more than a bit self-centered. I can understand why your gf would be growing more distant from you.
> 
> I'm seeing more about how you feel, what you're not getting, what you want from your gf, what you need from your gf, what your gf isn't giving you, etc much more so than what she or her children are going through, how they feel or what you're willing to do for them.
> 
> It really does sound like you need to step back and give your gf the amount of space she needs and stop placing expectations on her as to how she should make _you_ feel. Especially considering what her and her children are going through.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That sounds pretty passive-aggressive. I hope things work out but you really should keep an open mind with NNMNG and should probably read Married Man's Sex Primer as well.


 That's why I am on here,cause im confused and don't know how to feel or react towards things. And yes I haven't talked much about what I do for them,again that's why I am needing advise,I am in a situation where I am putting way more in than im getting out of this relationship and don't know what to do. wait it out? maybe shes the typical woman that ive had a lot of and she don't have the balls to end it?? IDK !!!!!! our relationship is nothing but a text in the morning and a text before bed. I admit im a little on the defensive side lately,why wouldn't I be????? Stop saying " I love you" is a suggestion from many of my friends. Even my GF's best friend doesn't understand why shes being like this to me and she has worked with her for 10 years. Ive been in so many relationships that where I have trusted and had patience and it was a big dishonest joke. I would hate to walk away from a similar situation and have this a legit downfall that I SHOULDVE stuck through.


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## Entropy3000

numberonedad said:


> That's why I am on here,cause im confused and don't know how to feel or react towards things. And yes I haven't talked much about what I do for them,again that's why I am needing advise,I am in a situation where I am putting way more in than im getting out of this relationship and don't know what to do. wait it out? maybe shes the typical woman that ive had a lot of and she don't have the balls to end it?? IDK !!!!!! our relationship is nothing but a text in the morning and a text before bed. I admit im a little on the defensive side lately,why wouldn't I be????? Stop saying " I love you" is a suggestion from many of my friends. Even my GF's best friend doesn't understand why shes being like this to me and she has worked with her for 10 years. Ive been in so many relationships that where I have trusted and had patience and it was a big dishonest joke. I would hate to walk away from a similar situation and have this a legit downfall that I SHOULDVE stuck through.


I suppose I am being lazy in not reading the rest of this. This is one of those times where I think you do need to give her space. You are not married to her. Consider moving on. Or just backing off for a while.


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## numberonedad

Entropy3000 said:


> I suppose I am being lazy in not reading the rest of this. This is one of those times where I think you do need to give her space. You are not married to her. Consider moving on. Or just backing off for a while.


We've talked about having a future and even have a ring picked out last fall and , its so hard having that kind of friendship and intimacy and for over a year and now we don't even catch up or commicate what each other doing from day to day.I have gained so much trust from her daughter,she talks to me about her boyfriend problems and so on and now me and her mom hardly talk??? I really don't think I have the strenghth to hold on anymore


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## bunny23

SHE needs to get in therapy.

My ex didn't die and we don't have kids.... but abuse, in general will change who you are as a person. I'm 1 year out from separation and I have gotten close to starting a relationship with someone but didn't. 

After an abusive relationship (nevermind the suicide) it's hard to trust people. And I would almost bet she has no idea why she is acting that way towards you.

I have the same "moods" 

She needs to work on herself before you can have a relationship. I think you should tell her that she needs help for her sake and the kids sake.

I'm sorry you are going through this... it's a tough situation to be in.


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## Rafters

My step-daughter's biological father killed himself with a gun a couple years ago. He called my wife and left her a message right before he did it. Rough time.


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## tug

nogutsnoglory said:


> I wish you the best of luck. She may end up being only a close friend in the long run for you, but when we put our hopes aside sometimes the closeness of a good friend is as important in life than almost anything. She needs a good friend and you are being that. You have done well to put aside your wants to be that for her.


I agree with noguts, your relationship with her may not turn into one that you expected. The loss of her ex has hit her hard, you would think that after all the physical and emotional torture he put her through she would be done with him but instead wants to be close to him for all of eternity. She may have pushed her feeling to the side to save her kids from growing up in a dysfunctional family which could effect them for the rest of her life but it sounds like she never stopped caring for him and still loved him. Had it not been for his chemical dependency she would more than likely still be with him


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## LostViking

I think you need to back way off OP. You are investing too much into a person who is not able at the present time to return your affections. Your girlfriend sounds like she is overwhelmed, and I agree with the others that you are very low on her priority list. I know you love her and you have tried to help, but you are spinning your wheels against forces you cannot hope to overcome. 

My advice is to start detaching. Start living for yourself again. Turn off the phone when you get home from work. Go jogging, work out, take guitar lessons.... In a sense you need to get back control of your life because you have focused on her life too much. 

I also get the sense that to her you were a rebound relationship. You were the avatar for the husband she left. She was not used to being without a man and used you to fill the gap. Now that her husband died she has found other things to fill that gap with. You no longer fit into her life. You have outlived your usefulness to her. I think yo may need to accept the fact that you loved her far more than she ever loved you. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to make you think of the worst case scenario. Look at her actions towards you and ignore her words. What do her actions speak to you?. Her ignoring you and reducing communication to one text a day speaks volumes to me. 

Frankly I would not accept this kind of treatment, regardless of whether or not she is mourning her late ex or not. I don't buy the fact that this is the reason she is detaching from you. Her actions say she wants you gone, but she is too much of a coward to tell you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

LostViking said:


> I think you need to back way off OP. You are investing too much into a person who is not able at the present time to return your affections. Your girlfriend sounds like she is overwhelmed, and I agree with the others that you are very low on her priority list. I know you love her and you have tried to help, but you are spinning your wheels against forces you cannot hope to overcome.
> 
> My advice is to start detaching. Start living for yourself again. Turn off the phone when you get home from work. Go jogging, work out, take guitar lessons.... In a sense you need to get back control of your life because you have focused on her life too much.
> 
> I also get the sense that to her you were a rebound relationship. You were the avatar for the husband she left. She was not used to being without a man and used you to fill the gap. Now that her husband died she has found other things to fill that gap with. You no longer fit into her life. You have outlived your usefulness to her. I think yo may need to accept the fact that you loved her far more than she ever loved you. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to make you think of the worst case scenario. Look at her actions towards you and ignore her words. What do her actions speak to you?. Her ignoring you and reducing communication to one text a day speaks volumes to me.
> 
> Frankly I would not accept this kind of treatment, regardless of whether or not she is mourning her late ex or not. I don't buy the fact that this is the reason she is detaching from you. Her actions say she wants you gone, but she is too much of a coward to tell you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:
:iagree:


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## bandit.45

So any updates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

numberonedad said:


> I just got done talking with her,she said this week has been very hard,the anniversary of his death is coming up and sons graduation,She feels a lot of guilt.She has been praying with the pastor this week. Shes had a lot of mixed feelings,she has bad dreams. We had small talk and I reassured her that shes in my thoughts and prayers. We've never had comm problems till this week but its understandable. I don't know how to feel about the her name on the grave site,im going to have to ponder that,its not a jealousy thing but more of a sacred thing to me,the guy who hopefully is at her side till we die.
> I just know that I would want to be buried next to the woman who has my heart, I would NEVER consider being next to MY kids' Mother
> 
> * I asked her to talk to me if she has irrational thoughts and odd mood swings,I told her im going to be keeping an eye on her... she said"thats good!"*
> 
> * And she thanked me for the space I gave her this week.*
> We both agree that she has PTSD,I mean she seen the blood ,teeth,scull pieces all over the house. She moved back in the house after the cleaners finished and weeks to months later she would find a piece of him.....
> 
> * So bottom line is im going to stand by her even if I feel pushed away or not getting all my needs ,we are best friends and I love her .
> I have to get over my worrys and anxiety in this situation and not be defensive. *
> 
> 
> Oh and she's gone to one grief camp with her daughter.
> She has seen her dr about different anti-depressants,
> As far as I know she hasn't seen anyone about PTSD


You have answered many of your questions. There seems to be a positive basis for hanging on.

I wouldn't worry about the bench or where she is buried. Maybe you will marry and you bury her next to him because it remains her wish. But by that time you will understand each other deeper. Maybe you'll get a plot on the other side of her.

Her desire to be reunified with him the in the after world is related to her sorrow over his death, but also her regrets that she could not turn him around. She tried so hard. So in a sense a big part of her died with him.

By being there for her she may regenerate. You are investing in the green shoots out of what could be a dead stump. You cannot say how well she will do. You are taking a risk. Life has risks and sometimes we have to embrace them, knowing they can turn out wrong.

Your GF is not a taker. She is giver who is worn out. Don't be in her face trying to define your role. Be more self confident, happy in yourself. That will give you the strength you will need for this relationship or its dissolution.


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## TheGoodGuy

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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