# please ,desperate for any advise.



## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

Hi,this is a fairly long story so please bear with me and i thank you all in advance for reading this.my partner of 6 years has ended us but he has only moved to the spare room as i suggested,
we met 6 years ago fell in love,we was both married to other people,both marriages was not that good,so we had an affair,he left his wife and my husband moved out,he also gave up his two small twin boys they were 2 at the time,he has no contact with them at all as they are in another country,anyways,he moved in with me at my marital home,we was ok but we wanted a house of our own so we moved,it was after this that i became quite insecure ,by the way he is 11 years younger than me,im 54 now,i became insecure about the age gap,he also admitted to me that he had 7 affairs behind his x wifes back to which she knew nothing about and one of those women was his wifes cousin.i did not have a great up bringing as a child and iv allways found it hard to trust anyone,but i really loved this man and i tried to bury my insecurities about him,it was tough and he knew i was insecure he did try very hard to put my mind at rest but i allways thought this man will hurt me one day.so he did,he did cheat on me a few years ago,it was only one night and he told me about it six weeks later because he could not live with the guilt,he said he felt unloved by me and hurt that i didnt trust him,why did he tell me about that???he confided in his mum and even she said do not tell her,it was only one night,but he told me,so from then on my insecurities went through the roof as you can imagine,we had MC but that didnt really work,as i felt the lady we had was more on his side,i know it is not about sides but i felt she understood him more than what i was going threw,so we muddled through with our relationship,ups and downs along the way,when we are good we are very good but when we are bad we are quite toxic,everything gets brought up about our past,its like neither of us can let go of the past.however i thought this year would be our turning point,we had a fantastic holiday back in may,i got made redundant and found a new job,we have even moved house for a real fresh start to which i thought,however a month ago we had a silly argument over something and nothing and he said its OVER for good i cant do this relationship anymore,i begged pleaded cried didnt want us over,i begged for one last chance to make this work,he said no and was making plans to move out,,,,because i dont want to completely loose him out of my life because i love him and he loves me to peices he says i suggested we stay friends and we share the bills etc,and we also have sex with each other if we both want to,our sex life has allways been amazing,if their was anything we ever got right in this relationship it was sex,it was 100% good we fit like a glove,i mean thats how we started off really, sex,an affair...so he agreed to this,he is now in the spare room,he has taken his ring off because we was engaged to be married,i am just sooo confused about what to do hear,if he did not want to be with me surly he would move out so is he thinking their might be hope and we could get back together,i just live in hope that he wants us back as a couple again,but he is so distant,except when we have sex which is about once a week so far,he dont look happy at all,i dare not ask him if he is ok as he would go off on one at me,does anyone think he just needs time away and space from me as he is certanly is not really getting that,because the only thing different we are doing as to when we was a couple is not tex during the day,we dont kiss when he comes home,we dont sit and snuggle and watch tv we sit seperatly,but everything else we do the same as we did,like shopping,etc,he has told his mum it is over,but has suggested i go with him to see her if i want to,what is going on in his head??????any advise from any guys out their from a mans point of veiw?any advise from anyone please.x


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well obviously rainbow and unicorn land is now fading to reality for you. What was so wrong with your marriage before this so called mr right that you had to have an affair with him? He has admitted to cheating on his wife seven times before you and he cheats on you when you two are "finally" together. What in the world made you think you were "special?"

Clearly this boy has no loyalty nor does he seem too guilty about it either. He may have told you he felt guilty but he may have told his previous wife this too. Obviously it's a load of bs. 


Sorry to say but seems like the karma bus hit you here. Now you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and imo you should ditch this guy. He clearly doesn't want to be committed and must see himself as some wild mustang needing to play the field some more. 

You on the other hand can learn from this, get some therapy and hopefully in your next relationship you will try harder to make it work.


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

thank you for reply...but just so you know if you had read my post properly,,,,,his wife knew nothing about his affairs.....my marriage to my x husband was a good marriage that lasted almost 26 years,we both grew apart it was a mutual decision on both parts,and i thought i was special because he told me i was...but hey thats life,


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

So his wife didn't know about you then either? Doesn't that raise a red flag? Or is that what he "told" you? Hey i get you made a mistake but do keep cheating history in mind if/when you look into a future relationship. It says alot about someones character.


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

his wife does know about me,he told her he had met me and she made him choose,her and the twins ..or me,he chose me,which made me feel very special...he was in a dead end marriage and so was i.he did not love his wife anymore but he was in love with me and i with him,yes your right ,cheating is not a good foundation for any relationship,their will not be anymore relationships for me,i will never love another man like i love him.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Nonsense. If he chose you over his long term spouse and kids... that should have been another red flag. Whose to say he wouldnt do that again but with you? 


You will find love... but make sure it is true love not delusional fog love based off an affair. Trust me.. there is a better man out there for you and you can be a better woman and learn from this.


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

yes,i saw all the red flags but chose to ignore them hence my insecurities about him........because i loved him,yes love is blind and that is so true in my case and in many others,but we both gave up alot for each other and i still think their is hope hear to work it out,as i said if he really did not want me anymore he would of moved out and moved on but he is still hear.and our love was mot based on an affair,we did not sleep together until he had left his wife and my husband had moved out of my house,everyone involved was told the truth their was no lies no sneaking around to have sex,we was just texing and talking to each other,when his wife was told and my husband was told and moved out thats when we began having sex.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

An affair isn't just physical it's emotional too. I honestly think you can do better but if you want to work it out with this guy then good luck.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ladybird54 said:


> yes,i saw all the red flags but chose to ignore them hence my insecurities about him........because i loved him,yes love is blind and that is so true in my case and in many others,but we both gave up alot for each other and i still think their is hope hear to work it out,as i said if he really did not want me anymore he would of moved out and moved on but he is still hear.and our love was mot based on an affair,we did not sleep together until he had left his wife and my husband had moved out of my house,everyone involved was told the truth their was no lies no sneaking around to have sex,we was just texing and talking to each other,when his wife was told and my husband was told and moved out thats when we began having sex.


Sorry, but the texting and talking were still a part of the affair. You "fell in love" while still married to other people. It doesn't matter if there was sex at that point or not. "I love you"s were exchanged, you made plans to leave your respective spouses and move in together, etc. It is still an affair, even without sex.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

ladybird54 said:


> his wife does know about me,he told her he had met me and she made him choose,her and the twins ..or me,he chose me,which made me feel very special...he was in a dead end marriage and so was i.he did not love his wife anymore but he was in love with me and i with him,yes your right ,cheating is not a good foundation for any relationship,their will not be anymore relationships for me,i will never love another man like i love him.


Apply this to your own marriage. He has told his girl friend that's he in a dead end marriage. Like you, she didn't "steal" him from his current wife... it was already over!!!

I'm wondering how many affairs he's had on you... that you don't know about.

It's the same song... just that you are on the other end.

He's just using you... he's playing with your life. RUN!!!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

ladybird54 said:


> Hi,this is a fairly long story so please bear with me and i thank you all in advance for reading this.my partner of 6 years has ended us but he has only moved to the spare room as i suggested,
> we met 6 years ago fell in love,*we was both married to other people*,both marriages was not that good,so *we had an affair*,*he left his wife and my husband* moved out,*he also gave up his two small twin boys* they were 2 at the time,*he has no contact with them at all* as they are in another country,anyways,he moved in with me at my marital home,we was ok but we wanted a house of our own so we moved,it was after this that i became quite insecure ,by the way he is 11 years younger than me,im 54 now,i became insecure about the age gap,*he also admitted to me that he had 7 affairs behind his x wifes back* to which she knew nothing about and one of those women was his wifes cousin.i did not have a great up bringing as a child and iv allways found it hard to trust anyone,but i really loved this man and i tried to bury my insecurities about him,it was tough and he knew i was insecure he did try very hard to put my mind at rest but i allways thought this man will hurt me one day.so he did*,he did cheat on me* a few years ago,it was only one night and he told me about it six weeks later because he could not live with the guilt,he said he felt unloved by me and hurt that i didnt trust him,why did he tell me about that???he confided in his mum and even she said do not tell her,it was only one night,but he told me,so from then on my insecurities went through the roof as you can imagine,we had MC but that didnt really work,as i felt the lady we had was more on his side,i know it is not about sides but i felt she understood him more than what i was going threw,so we muddled through with our relationship,ups and downs along the way,when we are good we are very good but when we are bad we are quite toxic,everything gets brought up about our past,its like neither of us can let go of the past.however i thought this year would be our turning point,we had a fantastic holiday back in may,i got made redundant and found a new job,we have even moved house for a real fresh start to which i thought,however a month ago we had a silly argument over something and nothing and *he said its OVER for good* i cant do this relationship anymore,i begged pleaded cried didnt want us over,i begged for one last chance to make this work,he said no and was making plans to move out,,,,because i dont want to completely loose him out of my life because i love him and he loves me to peices he says i suggested we stay friends and we share the bills etc,and* we also have sex with each other if we both want to*,our sex life has allways been amazing,if their was anything we ever got right in this relationship it was sex,it was 100% good we fit like a glove,i mean thats how we started off really, sex,an affair...so he agreed to this,he is now in the spare room,*he has taken his ring off because we was engaged to be married*,i am just sooo confused about what to do hear,if he did not want to be with me surly he would move out so is he thinking their might be hope and we could get back together,i just live in hope that he wants us back as a couple again,but he is so distant,except when we have sex which is about once a week so far,he dont look happy at all,i dare not ask him if he is ok as he would go off on one at me,does anyone think he just needs time away and space from me as he is certanly is not really getting that,because the only thing different we are doing as to when we was a couple is not tex during the day,we dont kiss when he comes home,we dont sit and snuggle and watch tv we sit seperatly,but everything else we do the same as we did,like shopping,etc,he has told his mum it is over,but has suggested i go with him to see her if i want to,what is going on in his head??????any advise from any guys out their from a mans point of veiw?any advise from anyone please.x


OP, I highlighted the things that you should focus on.

1. He is a serial cheater. Just because his wife didn't know about the other affairs doesn't mean they didn't happen. If she was only aware of one, the chances are, he has been having many affairs while with you, but only told you about one.

2. He is not to be depended on. He abandoned his wife and twin babies. This stinks and repulses me. You didn't mention anything about having children yourself and maybe you are indifferent to the responsibilities of a parent. But that should not stop you from feeling disdain over a man who would abandon his young family, for what ever the reason.

3. You are in a relationship that started from an affair. Two homes were broken because of it. Most relationships that start this way don't make it. You know the old saying "IF THEY WILL DO IT WITH YOU, THEY WILL DO IT TO YOU". 

4. So now he has taken his ring off, is cheating on you and wants out, are you really surprised? After all, this is his MO. He is not a one woman man. Keep giving him the free sex, who knows maybe he will come back. But I highly doubt it. You can't have what was never yours.

OP, I am sorry you are hurting, really. But did you ever consider the hurt YOU caused your husband, his wife and his babies. He has two 8 year old boys that have not seen their father since they were 2. That is disgraceful, selfish and unforgivable. Not to mention they are probably living in a much lower financial level than if their father had stayed and been the man he was supposed to be. I would fancy to guess that their mother had to put them in day care and go to work to support them too.

Did either one of you ever stop to think of those babies????:banghead:


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

yes of i certainly did think of those children,i have tried many times to try and get him to have contact with them,but all he has ever said to me was,it was his decision to leave them and everybody should respect that,i did never agree with this,i have allways felt he should of stayed in touch with them....but see it this way,they live in new zealand not in the uk where we are,if they were not taken to NZ then im pretty sure he would of stayed being their dad,he left them once,he did not want to keep repeating that,it broke his heart leaving them kids so please stop judging him over something you know absolutely nothing about.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I am sorry but a man dedicated to his children will do anything and everything he can to continue to see them. You keep believing the load of bull he is feeding you though. I am sorry if that seems harsh but perhaps you should really stop and take a look at things here.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ladybird54 said:


> yes of i certainly did think of those children,i have tried many times to try and get him to have contact with them,but all he has ever said to me was,it was his decision to leave them and everybody should respect that,i did never agree with this,i have allways felt he should of stayed in touch with them....but see it this way,they live in new zealand not in the uk where we are,if they were not taken to NZ then im pretty sure he would of stayed being their dad,he left them once,he did not want to keep repeating that,it broke his heart leaving them kids so please stop judging him over something you know absolutely nothing about.


Ok, let's make one thing clear here... He is, and always will be, their dad...or at least their father... no matter how many women he chooses to bed. And, no matter how you try to color it, by choosing his mistress over his children, he showed he didn't give a damn about them. You can try the sob story, saying it "broke his heart"... bullsh!t. If he really cared, he wouldn't have had even ONE affair. Period. His priority was not to those kids, but to his instant gratification. He "didn't want to keep repeating that"? Yea, well, he shouldn't have started in the first place!

ETA: You know what? I was wrong. He never was their "dad", he was always their "father". Why do I say that? Because a DAD wouldn't put his penis ahead of his kids!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

ladybird54 said:


> his wife does know about me,he told her he had met me and *she made him choose,her and the twins ..or me,he chose me,which made me feel very special*....


This pretty much says it all.



ladybird54 said:


> thank you for reply...but just so you know if you had read my post properly,,,,,his wife knew nothing about his affairs.....*my marriage to my x husband was a good marriage that lasted almost 26 years*,we both grew apart it was a mutual decision on both parts,and i thought i was special because he told me i was...but hey thats life,


Ladybird54, much of your posts are all about your insecurities, but you were married to a good man for nearly 26 years. Maybe instead of cheating on your husband you should have tried to bring new life to your existing marriage. Then, you would be with a man who was faithful and loyal.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

he chose you cuz he was a chicken s*** and it was easier .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, let's make one thing clear here... He is, and always will be, their dad...or at least their father... no matter how many women he chooses to bed. And, no matter how you try to color it, by choosing his mistress over his children, he showed he didn't give a damn about them. You can try the sob story, saying it "broke his heart"... bullsh!t. If he really cared, he wouldn't have had even ONE affair. Period. His priority was not to those kids, but to his instant gratification. He "didn't want to keep repeating that"? Yea, well, he shouldn't have started in the first place!
> 
> ETA: You know what? I was wrong. He never was their "dad", he was always their "father". Why do I say that? Because a DAD wouldn't put his penis ahead of his kids!


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

WOW,i certainly have upset you,had the same thing done to you have we.....you can not judge people by what you know absolutely nothing about ,he had affairs before his children came along,and just for the record his x wife was no angel either,she decided to take them boys away from their dad in the first place,he did everything he could to stop her taking them to new zealand through the courts,but because they were born in new zealand he did not have a leg to stand on...what was he supposed to do,stay in a dead end marriage which would of certainly affected those boys in a BIG way,his mom and dad arguing all the time,neither of them happy,yeah great life they would of had,he did not choose his penis over his children,he chose to try and give everyone a better life.you know what,i dont know why im even bothering hear,you are obviously just a BLACK AND WHITE THINKER without obviously know all the facts,...........................................................................


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ladybird people go by your posts so to give limited information even if from your perspective and considering many people have gone through this same situation.... and your getting info from betrayed spouses like your fiance's ex wife ... yes your going to get some responses you obviously don't want to hear. Take a minute to actually think here. Already your trying to villianize the ex wife because she was hurt and betrayed by the most scumbug unfaithful man ever.... Yes she had every right to walk away from said dead end marriage... especially when her husband would rather cheat then be a man and actually put effort into working things out. 

He took his ring off with you already because obviously he doesn't want to be comitted and he is feeding you some bs story to string you along. Your no longer the exciting mistress so he is bored.... he doesn't want you anymore simply because the thrill of the affair is over for him now. 


Please stop acting like him cheating on his ex wife is no big deal. He wasn't justified in it no matter what the reason. She was going through the same hardships.... in fact more so considering he cheated. She was hurt and it seems as if he doesn't care. 


I am not sure why your here either if all you were looking for was a sympathy card and a try harder. You won't get that here. I hope you do take these posts into consideration and really think about things.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

ladybird54 said:


> WOW,i certainly have upset you,had the same thing done to you have we.....you can not judge people by what you know absolutely nothing about ,he had affairs before his children came along,
> 
> *OK, so he was already cheating on her before she gave birth. WTH, is that supposed to show how bad of a wife he had or does it show what a scum bag he was?*
> 
> ...


Ladybird, I am sorry you are hurting, truly I am. But I am also amazed that a woman your age would be so gullible, naïve and in denial of the hurt and pain you caused others. If you were at least admitting to the damage that you and your boyfriend caused his wife, his kids and your ex husband, possibly we would be having a different conversation.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

He cheated 7 times on his wife, that tells you all you need to know. My first husband was a cheat. They make you feel like you were the one they have been waiting for all this time. You think things are going to be different. Things are very intense at first but it doesn't take these types long to start searching for another squeeze. I am 50, also female, don't let your age make you feel less than enough. He is the one that's not good enough for you. You don't need someone like this. Look at it as the guy that helped you out of your marriage but let him go.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He's still in the home because it's easier for him. Easier financially, and he gets free sex if he wants it and doesn't have to DO anything to be a good husband/bf. Why would he change that? He's got the best end of the deal. He can do whatever he wants and too bad if you aren't happy about it. 

YOU have the power to change your life. If you are unhappy with the way things are.... then CHANGE them. He doesn't respect, honor, or cherish you.... so what do you get from him? 

You have two choices:
1. Live like you are, even if you feel like crap doing it.
2. CHANGE the direction your life is going. 

It's your problem, you have to figure out what will work for you and your life.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

ladybird54 said:


> his wife does know about me,he told her he had met me and she made him choose,her and the twins ..or me,he chose me,which made me feel very special...he was in a dead end marriage and so was i.he did not love his wife anymore but he was in love with me and i with him,yes your right ,cheating is not a good foundation for any relationship,their will not be anymore relationships for me,i will never love another man like i love him.


There is a problem in YOUR life that ignored and appreciated being "chosen" by this man.
A man that chooses ANY woman over his kids is messed up, period.

You are as disposable to him now as the kids are.

This is not love.. this is a deep insecurity and irrational attachment to someone. But not love.

Kick him to the curb, work on YOURSELF and you will find someone worthy of saying "I love you" to.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ladybird54 said:


> WOW,i certainly have upset you,had the same thing done to you have we.....you can not judge people by what you know absolutely nothing about ,he had affairs before his children came along,and just for the record his x wife was no angel either,she decided to take them boys away from their dad in the first place,he did everything he could to stop her taking them to new zealand through the courts,but because they were born in new zealand he did not have a leg to stand on...what was he supposed to do,stay in a dead end marriage which would of certainly affected those boys in a BIG way,his mom and dad arguing all the time,neither of them happy,yeah great life they would of had,he did not choose his penis over his children,he chose to try and give everyone a better life.you know what,i dont know why im even bothering hear,you are obviously just a BLACK AND WHITE THINKER without obviously know all the facts,...........................................................................


Actually, no, I have not had anything like this happen to me. I just hate when people have affairs and then choose the affair partner over their own kids. He could just as easily have LEFT the marriage, without screwing around on his wife. 

Now, you say his ex-wife was no angel, but the only thing she did was take the kids with her to NZ? She didn't cheat on HIM? Yea, sorry, but I see his actions as worse. I'm guessing she was/is a citizen of NZ, not where you are, right? So... what was she supposed to do, if that was the case, hmmm? Guess you and the boyfriend didn't think that completely through, huh?

See, another thing that has bugged me with your posts is that in the first one, you stated "I had an affair", then later you tried to backtrack and say "no, not an affair, just texting"... And THEN you, yourself, stated that you felt SPECIAL that he chose YOU over the kids. Seriously, I cannot wrap my head around someone feeling special about something like that.

You say I am a black and white thinker. Maybe I am. I think that comes from my own experience with emotional affairs. In the first paragraph of my response, I said I haven't had the same thing happen. That's true. I have never experienced the devastation of a parent (or even myself/my spouse) choosing an affair partner over a child. But I do know how it feels to be in an emotional affair. And if given the choice: AP (affair partner) or kids... it's a no-brainer. The kids. 

See, maybe their marriage WAS a dead end marriage by the time you met. But, you only had his word to go on that...the word of a known liar and serial cheater. Had he not cheated, they might have been able to fix the marriage, by addressing whatever it was that had him looking elsewhere. Unfortunately, he WAS thinking with the wrong head... and now, he has lost his family.

So, with all that, I'm sorry you are upset that he's decided he wants someone new...again. And, considering his track record, I'd kick him to the curb, as others have suggested. And, if/when you find someone new, make sure he is not married.


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

thankyou for all your replies.i am sorry if i have upset anyone on hear,but you can not help who you fall in love with,and i did care about those boys and i still do even tho you all think i did not,i guess its ,what goes around comes around,thank you anyway.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

ladybird54 said:


> but you can not help who you fall in love with


Yes you can. You can help who you fall in love with by *staying away from* married men/taken men in the first place! 

When you first meet a man, ask him if he's married. Check for a ring, or that little 'indentation' where a ring is usually worn. Don't get 'involved' right away until AFTER you check him out. It's not that difficult that find out if someone is telling the truth about their marital status these days. While it's true that SOME people can be very good at hiding their marital status, you need to make a diligent effort to find out BEFORE proceeding with an intimate relationship with that person. 

If he DOES tell you he's married, has a live-in partner or has a g/f, *BACK OFF*. Don't flirt with him or try to be "friends" with him; don't agree to give each other your email or invite him to join you on Facebook (or accept HIS invitation). Don't accept drinks from him or buy him drinks. 

Put yourself in the other woman's place. Would YOU like it if your boyfriend, husband or fiancé was chatting it up with another woman, buying her drinks, flirting and getting her phone number? I'm guessing the answer is 'no'. Then, don't do it to someone else!

If you apply these principles, you will avoid ever "falling in love" with a married/taken man again.

Vega


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You may not be able to help who you fall in love with - but you sure do have complete control of ALL you actions.


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