# have reached an impasse



## longtimecoming (Apr 16, 2012)

I have been seraching among the threads for understanding of how to deal with my difficulties with my wife whom I love very much. It appears to me that I both recognise the problems but also seem unable to deal with them constructively and engage my wife in achieving a satisfactory progression out of the web of behaviour that I feel I am and we are trapped in.

WE have known each other for 20 years and earlier we would have sex once a day or even more. The intervening years have seen our relationship blessed with 4 children and to all intents and purposes we have a great family.

UNfortunately, this has dwindled over the recent years to a level of maybe once a week and a gap of over 6 weeks. THe causes are many. 

At 49 after a calamitous 9 months when my business venture upon which I had placed so much hope and my wife had placed reliance on was shafted by my business partner not telling me that he had not paid the bills for 6 months. We now are having to sell the house which my wife did not want in the first case as a big mortgage burden which she as the stable income earner was underwriting. Looking for a new way to do what I am skilled at i.e recapping old landfills ( I am an environmental scientist and panning lawyer) She fairly wants me to get a job that brings in the bacon, particularly since this venture has alrady cost 4 years work on sweat equity. Her manner is that she does not take anything of the future that I ma amking efforts about . She discounts it as more words whcih has left me in the early part of this year contemplating before bed about not wanting to wake up in the morning. My wife was committed to sorting her father's situation out and I was left in primary care of the children which I still am and sorting out extricating myself from my lying business partners machinations

My wife's father had a series of strokes whcih led to afamily member exercising terrible oppression of actual undue influence over him prior to his death in January. My wife had welfare power of attorney and the interactions during this period between family members was intense. 

However, before all this our sex life had become increasingly formulaic. We would kiss for a while and then I would go down on her . I thoroughly enjoy the taste and smell of her vagina and then she would come quite quickly or she would pull me inside her to gain an orgasm.

Things have travelled further in that I got myself into such a state of insecurity that I hardly dare appraoch her for sex as she has deflected the advances as being too tired, resentful at the past years loss of her being able to be at home with teh children whilst young and retorting that I am otherwise undemonstrative in affection. My sexual anxiety has undoubtedly played a part in this. At one point when we had not had sex for 6 weks and I made the objection that this was causing me pain she responded by saying why dont you go and **** someone else which I said I did not want to do. 

I have broached the subject with her on a number of occasions to express my emotional state and unhappiness and pointing out that the resentment ultimately is corrosive of our realtionship and is a further direct emotional rebuff from attempting a wider more varied sex life. 

The state of play now is that when she feels in the mood I respond and it goes down the route described. Last saturday night I explained how frustrated I was becoming and that I did not want my back to be the whipping of her resentment. She said my dissatisfaction was a demanding for sex and that there was no lead up to having sex . Although she herself previously sat on my face and wanked me off whcih I enjoy but it was done in such a perfunctory manner I left the bedroom to sleep elewhere as she did not want to share. However When I try and kiss her passionately/ feelingly she calls it jokingly 'predatory' although on the saturday in question she jumped me after we had fallen asleep and we had good sex where she was very wet. The very thing that she has pointed out is my behaviour which she does not find turning on. 



Whilst we have briefly discussed fantasies, we have not done anything about them apart from her sharing with me the her fantasy about another man watching her having sex with me. My fantasies of having anal sex with her whilst not turned down as she mentioned in her 20s she wanted her then boyfriend to doit . She now is ambivalent. 

Fundamentally, we dont share a wide enough space where my insecurity can be laid to rest and I get laid in ways that fire the imagination and create a deeper sense of each other through our shared lovemaking with enough time. 

Ultimately, I want bridge this gap between us. She has said that when things are good between us they are very good but these difficult times have taken their toll on my confidence . I have my fingers crossed that an interview executive role part time paid will begin to restore her faith in me. Though i am troubled by the thoughts that we as a couple should be facing adversity together and trying to gain strength from each other . I am hoping that I can perservere in showing a more generous spirit than my doubts and fears have played on me so far. 

Any insights would be welcome


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

This sounds too simplistic I think... but I think you have to "woo" her. Treat her as your girlfriend, the one you are trying to impress.... the one who you WANT to desire you. Be the best man that you can be, and let her SEE you as part of HER team, not just the guy who wants something from her. The more effort you put into "being there" for her and with her.... the better the sex can be, evolving hopefully into something more fulfilling. 

Date her.


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## longtimecoming (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks for that. In bed earlier she asked whether there was anything I was looking forward to this week and I was surprised by my own response which was there was nothing other than hoping to make love with her soon. On a practical level dating someone when you have no money and £25k debts to others and £75k to her and she is paying all the bills is tricky. I even did not buy a bottle of wine for wanting to show that I was becoming as frugal as possible to show solidarity with her taking sandwiches to work. ( used to drink a lot but have virtually stopped and have lost 20 pounds through that and worry.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

You need to reign in her financial demands of you and strive to bring her expectations in line to what she is willing to give of herself, not base them off some detatched notion of what she feels she deserves.

I get that she would be upset over your business collapsing. But, unless you were negligent, it seems her anger with you is misplaced. The business could have failed regardless despite your best efforts. I have to ask though, were there any signs that the business might have been a bad idea? Where is the cash that should have been coming in? How was business?

I also get that your wife wants you to provide some stability for the family and not leave her to be the only breadwinner. Perhaps running a business is not your speed; there's nothing wrong with working for a living while seeing about getting any subsequent business off the ground, given that you have to catch up financially.

But, where your wife is completely off base is in holding you responsible for her "lost years". Unless there was a specific agreement, how does she feel entitled to stay home while you support the family? Being a SAHM is a privilege and not a right. The ability to do so depends on factors out of your control.

You do need to step up and prove yourself to be a reliable partner in the present. But you should not be beaten up over the past. Business has ups and downs. Just as times are tougher now, there likely was a time when you were doing well and she was benefitting. Also, she has to come to the table willing to be an equal contributor.


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