# Time to move from 'considering' to 'going through' forum



## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

For those of you who didn't read my initial post, in the Considering Separation or Divorce forum, I will give a short and dirty run through. I decided last month (on the 8th) that I couldn't handle taking care of my H in every way possible anymore after a very very short marriage. He got extremely upset, begging me to stay with him and work on our relationship. After a few days, so around the 11th, I said ok, let's try to work on our relay. I love my H very much, and would love to have made it work. The only thing I have ever asked him to change is for him to take care of himself (I don't think it's too much to ask). The next week, I found out that he had cheated on me on the 4th, and has been talking with this girl, and going out meeting other women (telling them that he is divorced) since then. He denied denied denied it all until I finally found the truth through the boyfriend of the girl who he had oral sex with (on the 4th). 

At that point, I was so angry that if we were living together, I would have ... I don't know. Oh...and I just moved at the end of December 800 miles from home to COLD Iowa to start grad school. He moved me up and went back to Alabama the first week of January. He left AL last month to go to a military school in SC so that he could get a position here. I yelled, cursed, called all of the women that he had been talking with (and had good conversations with all except the one who he had OS with who just lied), stayed awake almost all week, got sick more than once, took time off of my brand new job, ... I was a wreck. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying. And, I couldn't seem to find words to express how I was feeling. Through writing dozens of letters (not sent) to my H, I think that I have sorted things out A BIT.

I'll try to keep this short while getting my point across (hard for women, I know). Overall, I'm lonely and depressed. I moved up here and immediately got depressed...cold weather, no friends, school/work was tough, and I missed my best friend, my husband. Every emotion possible, I am feeling. It is the most insanity I have ever experienced. We didn't talk for about a week. Things started to get a tiny bit better. Then, he called yesterday...I yelled, cursed, etc. He ended up hanging up on me after saying that me talking to an ex while we were together (which I did, and never lied about) was worse than what he did with those women. I know that is his way of trying to make himself feel better and make me feel bad about myself...which I do feel bad. I guess that's no matter though.

One minute he is yelling at me, and the next he is crying saying that I am the love of his life and he will wait for me until he dies. He begs me to take him back and try to make things work. So, here is my question...how can I want to try so damn bad, but know in my gut that it's not the best thing for me to do? I cry myself to sleep wishing that he were curled up beside me, I cry while watching our tv sitting on our couches, I cry when I get out of the shower and dry off with our towel. It just seems like my life is him. And I KNOW that in five years, that will not be the case. I honestly think that it is best that we continue with a divorce and move on. But, how long will it take before I'm just a little better? How long before I don't to call him to tell him I love him before I go to sleep? And why does my heart want something that my head knows isn't right? I feel like a teenager in puppy love again! Am I making a mistake? Did I make a mistake when I got married? 

Why do I obsess over knowing why he cheated? The last time we talked, I said I wanted two things...a sincere apology without blaming what happened on anyone else and a reason for what he did. Is it normal to feel like this is my fault in part? Are these CRAZY feelings normal? I feel like my life has just been turned upside down and shaken up! How do I fix this?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

If he is cheating then he already made the choice to not be in your relationship! You will always be wondering if he is cheating if you stay. I too have been married a short time and am wanting a divorce but not sure what to do. Its a scary situation especially when you've changed your life to be with him and now don't know where to go. I hope the best for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_ and this is most definitely not your fault but it is totally normal to feel that way!!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> sincere apology without blaming what happened on anyone else and a reason for what he did.


 Most people justify cheating based on the fact that they are hurt, and this is probably what your husband did.



> How do I fix this?


MC if you want to continue marriage, PC if you want to move on.


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you, both. I agree ku, he did make the decision that night. Last night I asked him to tell me the whole truth. It took him about an hour, but he finally did it. I told him, like you said, that I would spend the rest of my life in a jealous crazy (and I can't stand that) checking emails, phone, where he is. That's no way to live. Thanks, anx, for the advice. I am on a waiting list to see a counselor at my university. Until I get in for PC, I am writing on here, blogging, writing letters, and reading lots.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I have been married for a VERY short time as well. Going on 9 months soon, and have experienced almost exactly what you're going through. The only difference is that I have no way to prove my stbx was cheating. Its still speculation. Although I know in my gut that he did. I mean duh, some girl plastered photos of both of them all over fb -- they were completely drunk. 
Anyways, thats beside the point. 
Emotionally, Ive gone through what you have. It was so hard. I cried daily, wrote tons of un-sent email and couldn't look anyone in the eye without falling apart. People would ask how I was doing and I'd have a meltdown right there, no matter where it was. But I want you to know it WILL get better. I was like that for about a month. Honestly, this forum helped me get through it without losing my sanity. Lots of support from so much people who I find are going through worse, or similar situations. If at anytime I felt like contacting my stbx, I'd post here, my burning angry questions. It really helped me to learn how not to contact him daily. I started separating myself and it felt good. You can do it too. It really was rough. But woman, you'll get stronger.
In my opinion its normal to feel how you are now. My stbx wants to work things out now too, but I just can't trust him. It gets easier to tell them NO. And it gets easier to accept that being with him isn't going to last and soon enough you'll realize that you've made the right choice to leave. Infidelity is not to be taken lightly, again, my opinion. Im just not so easy to forgive something like that. Even though we're getting a divorce, we haven't yet, and its just a respect issue.
So cry, because you do love him, thats why you married him in the first place. But slowly try to start to put YOU first. It is okay, you're grieving now because it is a loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

This time is needed to go through every emotion possible. You'll feel crazy, almost psychotic at times for crying so much, wanting nothing to do with him, but wanting nothing but him at the same time. It will just take time, but the picture will become less blurry, less pixelated as time progresses. We're all here for you.
My advice that I'd like to pass on (that I got here from some great supporters) is to try a little, even if not every day, just try to do something for you. Something, anything that used to be your favorite thing to do, or something you always wanted to do, but never really tried. Spend this time re-finding yourself. The first week I started trying to eliminate contact on my end, I would just take my 2 year old for a walk or to the park. I know it doesn't sound like much at all, but everyday was spent waiting for his call, or an email, or a text, or sending him msgs somehow and I let that consume me. Even when things were good, my life had become this telephone attachment to my ear and/or a desk chair stuck to my butt as I was contacted by him daily and for hours. (We live in different cities - well - on different islands, so it was our only contact). But it was too much. And so the little thing like the park with no time restriction was so liberating. It really was. Finally focusing on myself and my children really helped. I didn't have my children often then, as I was in the process of moving (they stayed not to far away down the road with family ) and I am in my last trimester of pregnancy. So it was harder being completely alone at times.
Better times will come, the crazy thoughts will subside, and the breakdowns will eventually come to a halt. You know what you need in your heart. 
Take good care, and remember we're all here for you when it starts feeling like things are too tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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