# Separated husband still won't file divorce



## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

Hi
When we'd been separated a year (requirement for divorce in the country I live in) my ex said he was going to file. It's now 8 months later and he still hasn't. I've seen him a few times and he hasn't even mentioned it. 

I don't want to file myself as he said he'd do it, it made no difference to me and if I'm honest there's probably a small part of me that worries about making a mistake.

Question is-should I just get on with it and file myself so I can move forward?  

I've tried to keep things friendly as don't want to hate someone that meant so much for so many years but I feel like I'm being walked all over. We've met for coffee and chat occasionally by text but it's all ever on his terms (he cancels meeting at last minute, rearranges etc). 

I did meet someone and while not really go anywhere he didn't seem too happy I'm not divorced and still in contact with ex (not reason it didn't work out I don't think but did get me thinking!) I also realised as I keep thinking about whether or not to file it's on my mind a lot which is not good for moving forward with someone new either! 

Help appreciated!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You're in a building. None of the doors are locked, and you want to leave.

You instead wait for your ex (let's just call him that) to come open the doors for you.

Does this make sense?


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## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

Thanks for reply-yeah it does make sense! Did try to meet him a few weeks ago so could have face to face conversation about it but he cancelled twice and it was back to limbo again. Definitely think it's time I stopped trying be so considerate of his feelings (even I can see I'm just making excuses for him such as he's never been good with paperwork etc when the reality is most likely he can't be bothered or he's just keeping me as an option) 

Still kicking myself not doing it sooner as going out way to be nice about him, seeing him occasionally and not getting a divorce not exactly what a new date wants to hear!! Reading that back screams not over the ex when that isn't actually true! 

Time to take back control of my life!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bertie said:


> Thanks for reply-yeah it does make sense! Did try to meet him a few weeks ago so could have face to face conversation about it but he cancelled twice and it was back to limbo again. Definitely *think it's time I stopped trying be so considerate of his feelings *(even I can see I'm just making excuses for him such as he's never been good with paperwork etc when the reality is most likely he can't be bothered or he's just keeping me as an option)
> 
> Still kicking myself not doing it sooner as going out way to be nice about him, seeing him occasionally and not getting a divorce not exactly what a new date wants to hear!! Reading that back screams not over the ex when that isn't actually true!
> 
> *Time to take back control of my life!*


Only the part I bolded matters. Take care of your business and MOVE ON. What he wants at this point is really irrelevant. You are only making things final.


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## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

True! Thanks


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Bertie, come back and let us know when YOU'VE filed! We will want to CHEER YOU ON and be a support for you long-term if you need it!


*hug*


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Separated a year.
Met someone.
Trying to be considerate of stbx's feelings.

He'll be your ex. Pull the trigger and be done with it.


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## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

Thanks! Really does look less of a dilemma when you see other people summarise the facts! As we all know not so clear when on the inside looking out! Even though didn't work out with other guy fact would have liked it to speaks volumes! 

Shouldn't be considerate of exes feelings as it hasn't been mutual!

Wrote to him to ask what happening and if nothing then do no contest joint divorce-heard nothing. Should have called as ball back in his court and waiting again. If not heard by tomorrow (as said he's not considerate of my feelings!) will just file myself!! 

Will keep you all posted!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I wish I had had the chance to file before my cheater did it. I envy you, but the longer you wait the more minutes of your life you are wasting and will never get back.


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## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

So sorry your ex cheated-can see why you wish got in first and hope that you've been able to move past it. Know what you mean about the more minutes wait the more wasting life-still haven't heard from him but either way won't be long now! :0)

On a different topic-if someone sent you a text after met when they were holiday from out of town, ultimately stayed at house for week and went on dates and never discussed what happen afterwards and on day they left it said "thanks for the last week, had a great time. always welcome at mine. would be great to stay in contact. have a good one" would you take it as a break up message/sign they're not interested in a relationship or that they liked you and don't want to lose contact? Just curious as bit worried I took it wrongly!! Had forgotten how confusing the dating world is!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Have you checked the records in the courthouse? You can do it online with your name to see if anything has been filed.

My ex filed 8 months ago. He never told me.

Just because you haven't been served, doesn't mean he didn't file.
He may be looking for a good time (money/tax wise) to officially start the process.. or keep dragging it on only to hit you with papers. You never know.

I saw my stbx maybe 2 months ago and he never said a word, I found out about it while trying to file order of protection.

Have you separated assets at all? Or is there a formal restraining order preventing him from disposing of things?

Sorry for the sinister take.. but it happened to me!

Oh and it makes no difference who filed first, but if it keeps dragging on.. time for action


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## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

Don't think you can file here without the other person being served-is no fault divorce only (why have to wait a yr) so pretty streamlined process. Will have a look just in case-split finances ages ago but didn't make it official-looking back should have done!!


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## shownjjkb (Sep 22, 2013)

Trying to be considerate of stbx's feelings.


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## bertie (Apr 28, 2012)

Tell me about it-fine line between being considerate and being walked all over!!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

You can file... you file and then serve.

What would you serve the person with? Nothing?

No you serve divorce papers.. and you have to hire a process server or Sheriff does this.. you should get 30 day notice once served.

Lets say he filed but has not served you- usually the state will then open a case on that D.. in my case it was 7 months after filing and no one showed up.. so it was stricken and is just "there" in limbo. The court picks a date for the case to be heard

Now the court has the option of dismissing that case, although some courts will just keep the case.

The only advantage of filing first and working with an attorney, if the divorce is contested or assets are involved is that they would know the courthouse and judges.. and how they typically rule.

As an example, our legal strategy is to have the venue changed to another courthouse, because the judge assigned to the case notoriously rules "no" on matters of maintenance and abuse issues. Had I filed for D I would have immediately picked a different courthouse. Plus my H lawyer is kind of um.. bad.. and he only goes to that courthouse. He will be even worse swimming with the big guys at the big courthouse where he has never presented a case.

Also... in my state you have to live apart for 2 years when filing no fault, but that can be waived by both parties.

I would really look into this if I was you.. in some states he could serve you personally or whatever, have a case pending... then have it default or post notice in the paper and get a judgement against you.

I'm not trying to scare you.. but you really need to talk to a lawyer and figure out what the dangers of waiting are in your state... 

If you are worried about serving him, this can be arranged to be private. No one needs to show up at his office and hit him with D papers.

But I would not put this off.. there is a reason why he won't file. It could be that it's all innocent and he is trying to figure out if this is really what he wants to do.. or it could be something ugly brewing behind your back.

Wish you luck 

I think once you talk to a lawyer things will be clearer and also you can move on


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