# my wife moved out yesterday (update)



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

My story is long, ridiculous, and floating around somewhere
like the title says, she moved out. I tried to post this as it happened but was having trouble with the site. I sat there as her and her sister packed her things into a truck and moved it to the place she's renting. This is something we decided together so it wasn't a shock. We decided it was best for us both individually. Each of our respective "halves" are super damaged and the whole can't function until this is fixed. I plan on stating therapy soon to help me through this. 
Even though this was discussed it is still heartbreaking. My wife is gone and I am alone with my kids for half of the day. We're keeping them on the same schedule we are now. Working opposite shifts helps alot with that problem.
The biggest issue still is the presence of the OM. He's still around to be part of the baby's life and with her family past, this is not open for debate. I'm sure he'll mess it up, but for now it's a problem. She already can't stand him and
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

They argue constantly, so that's a small consolation I guess. I love my wife to a fault. I've looked every which way of foolish throughout this whole thing. I don't think my dedication to someone I love can be questioned. I'm also not dumb and this will never happen with her or anyone again. I have more then enough issues because of this.

So now it's on to fixing myself. I've already made some selfish purchases and have made plans to go to Chicago for a concert and see the Cubs play in May. I am excited as to what I can do by myself. This is really the first time I've been on my own ever. I am very sad, heartbroken, and upset that it came to this
It's difficult to stay upbeat, but I see more of the old me in myself and so do my friends, whom I've leaned on exponentially through this. I guess I'm just posting to feel better about watching the only love I've had move out of our life.I dunno, but this is kind of theraputic, thanks for reading, I'll update when things start happening, hopefully alot and often
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya this wont mean much but I'll say it any way, cheer up.

Things are looking down but keep in mind that its not how we get knocked down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.

Things will look alot different in the next few days and you will make it through.

You can go to bed knowing that you did your best with the cards that were dealt to you. It is a tough thing you went through and God bless you for trying. A weak man could not have gone through what you went through, so you diserve to keep your head up high and be confident that you are stronger then most and you will have learned so much from this crap.

Good luck man your W will and is regretting this so I would like to say sorry for that.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I will make you this guarantee. Whether it makes you less sad or not I don't know. You will be happier then her. You have the ability to find someone and be content. She does not. Because she is not happy with herself. Do not take her back. Live you life, find a good person to invest it in and be happy. Please check in often.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am assuming your wife had the OM's child? I will search around to see if I can find your original post with your story.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I think I found it, if you love her I guess do what you can, and if you can find it in your heart to accept the baby as your own, then make a go of it, it takes an amazing man to do accept a child born under those circumstances. I am really really hoping for a happy ending here. If you decide to get back together and make a go of it, maybe have OM sign off rights??? That way you can have him out of your lives, someday the child would have to know the truth, but at least he/she would have a wonderful stable family, with an amazing father that the baby deserves. It never ceases to amaze me with stories on here, I never realized until the last couple months the amount of people that are in this whole mess, when it comes to infidelity.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

He will not sign rights away. He likes the title of dad to show off too much. It's being dad is where the problem lies.

Quick update..I told my wife Friday I wanted a divorce. I've been working 12 hour days, 3am-3pm, Thursday night it was snowing and I offered that instead of driving to my place to pick our kids up and then back to hers, that she just stay with me instead of driving. She made many excuses so I just said whatever, forget it. 
Early the next morning I drove past her place on my way to work and his car was here. No lights on or anything, so I called at 3 in the morning,caught her in her lies, and went off on her. I'm pretty sure there was no sex involved but I won't blindly accept that. My kids were in the next damn room and could have walked in on that.
I was so pissed that I left work early and came over to her place, sat down, and said I am going to file for divorce. You obviously can't be trusted with anything involving my feeling and heart and I won't do it anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I put myself through alot of hell for this amrriage and this woman, and the first chance she got she treated me like I and all my efforts were nothing.
We talked for a good 5 hours about everything and I am going to look into my options for filing. We agree on everything that needs done so we're going to do this without lawyers.
I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders and chest. It's a strange feeling I have now. My mourning process was long ago and I just feel calm and at peace with this. I didn't expect it.
Of course now she is regretting what happened and is trying to make amends, but it's too late. I told her if this ever worked between us it would be many years away and after she showed me drastic changes in her life and personality.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am sorry Josh


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> I put myself through alot of hell for this amrriage and this woman, and the first chance she got she treated me like I and all my efforts were nothing.
> We talked for a good 5 hours about everything and I am going to look into my options for filing. We agree on everything that needs done so we're going to do this without lawyers.
> I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders and chest. It's a strange feeling I have now. My mourning process was long ago and I just feel calm and at peace with this. I didn't expect it.
> Of course now she is regretting what happened and is trying to make amends, but it's too late. I told her if this ever worked between us it would be many years away and after she showed me drastic changes in her life and personality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stand strong, Space Monkey.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Josh...i felt the same peace when H. told me this is it...he doesn't want me....just went numb...and somehow relieved...
than of course 2 hrs later he Emails me and says that he is still confused and felt nauseous after we talked...so i'm still waiting on his final decision...slowly though i realize that i deserve waaaay better...the only way why i still tolerate him is that i know there is no OW...if there was there wouldn't be a chance...

But i just want that final say so we can all move on...

So sorry that you've waited that long for her and in the End it was all for nothing...


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> I put myself through alot of hell for this amrriage and this woman, and the first chance she got she treated me like I and all my efforts were nothing.
> We talked for a good 5 hours about everything and I am going to look into my options for filing. We agree on everything that needs done so we're going to do this without lawyers.
> I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders and chest. It's a strange feeling I have now. My mourning process was long ago and I just feel calm and at peace with this. I didn't expect it.
> Of course now she is regretting what happened and is trying to make amends, but it's too late. I told her if this ever worked between us it would be many years away and after she showed me drastic changes in her life and personality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that is a good decision on your part. You need to be true to yourself and your kids, she seems to flip flop at best may be playing you at worst.

As for the no lawyer thing be careful with that, I would at least do some searching and have a lawyer in mind in case you need one, Are you going to go to a mediator? I would at least have a lawyer look over the settlement agreements and custody part of your divorce if you do them on your own.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Well the custody thing isn't a problem. We work opposite shifts from each other so when one has the kids, the other is at work, and vice versa. She has already told me that she won't go after me for child support as long as I pay on the debt we owe. She really can't take on that much more financial burden, and the benefits of getting support from me don't outweigh the financial drag down of helping our debt. Plus I'm paying on that already so it's no different then now anyway. 
for the most part we are very agreeable with normal every day things. This is one aspect of her I trust her not to go astray on. Just about the only part of her I can.
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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

And that part is a deal breaker. Sorry Josh! Who knows, maybe you find the real one out there. The one that wil actually live their vows and take precautions to protect what they have. You may also find that one who will do that and also tell you when you're screwing up and not run around like this one did. 

I've seen you grow past all the crap. Stay strong brother!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> Well the custody thing isn't a problem. We work opposite shifts from each other so when one has the kids, the other is at work, and vice versa. She has already told me that she won't go after me for child support as long as I pay on the debt we owe. She really can't take on that much more financial burden, and the benefits of getting support from me don't outweigh the financial drag down of helping our debt. Plus I'm paying on that already so it's no different then now anyway.
> for the most part we are very agreeable with normal every day things. This is one aspect of her I trust her not to go astray on. Just about the only part of her I can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be very careful with this. Most states don't care what sort of agreement the formerly married parties come to when it comes to child support. When your divorce is finalized, unless you have a 50/50 shared custody plan in place and on paper, the state will decide how much support you need to pay to her and will mandate that you pay it. Oh, and you'll be paying it to them, and they'll be taking out a "small processing fee", and forwarding the rest on to her. You should at least look into how your state works these things and if you refuse legal counsel, be wary.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I fully plan on letting a lawyer look over everything when we're done. I don't want to get the screw job because of a filing mistake on my part.

ever since i said to my wife I wanted a divorce she has changed completely. She is basically her old self, in sense of attitude and interraction with me. She is beginning the process of colecting child suppoert from the OM and cutting him out. An ex girlfriend of his contacted her and told her about how he really is.

This is all very confusing for me. It's what I've been wanting for so long and now that I finally got to the point of saying go away, she wants to give me a 180 to make things right. This makes my head and heart spin. I want to go on with my life now, but I also want my life with her back.......just so conflicted
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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Take it day by day Josh. 

Your wife might finally be realizing the big azzz mistake she is making by letting you go. She is probably respecting you now that you have told her what you want and are making strides to make it happen. 

I'm probably the worst to give you advice further. I'm very pro-marriage but not at the cost of yourself. 

Ask some of the Man-Up Crew like MEM, Deejo, Atholk, Conrad and AFEH for some assistance too.
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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Just make sure she gets tested for STD's and washes her mouth and the rest of her self really well. I think you my have won, but with a bomb over her head aka (divorce). I maybe would try for one more time for the kids. Just say in 15 years from now, not that long really. You can say to your self, I made a difference in a child's life. You will be the best kind of dad out there. One that will help even if the kid is not yours. I have my brother in law kids, two girls. He went to jail, lost his rights to parent. The mother is, I repeat is, a real crack ho. I could not sleep knowing that they were going to be wards of the state. One day I will look back and say, I made a difference, I get a very warm feeling form it, in my heart. As I sit here, talking about it, it makes me start to cry, about the pain my girls had to go through before I got them. (first 3 years of there life) We can see you are a good dad josh, I think maybe, just maybe your life is turning around for the better. Just look at a little different this time around. Most women I know must have a man at all times. If she thinks that she will lose the man. She has to a least pick a maybe replacement. I think it my be a instinct that is very powerful in women. I can under stand it a little bit, most need help from men. Lifting, fixing, holding, (feel safe) etc.. I think it starts young, like the mother says I can't lift that tire. We need a strong man for that, go get your dad. Then before you know it your little girl is dating, looking for a man to help them with there life. Like her mother did, she says subconsciously "must have man, if man is not working out, Sick, not around to help, not bringing home money,etc.. must find a replacement." So they think it's love, but really you are a tool in there life. then before you now it, your replaced. So, I think a lot of women out there think this way. So sometimes it's not really love they want, it's help with day to day life they want. So it's maybe not you, (your body/mind) that she loves, it's the help you give her from day to day stuff that she does.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I am going to have a talk with my wife tonight about what is going on and how confused this is making me. I don't get how she can just switch this on like that after everything that has happened, and then be totally astonished that this is putting me back ten feet. I mean I said I wanted a divorce. I got to the point where even I said screw it, I'm done....and now she wants it all back. 
I get all the stuff I wanted and missed. The I love you, I miss you, I need to cuddle....everything I wanted to have and hear the last 2 years.
I dunno, guess I'll see how things go tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My only suggestion is what ever you do, do it on your terms. Explain your boundries explain your rules explain that its my way or the high way.

She has put you thriugh so much for so long that this time its going to cost her. Is she realy going to be prepared to take on what you demand and in helping you heal? How long to you think she can tolorate you as the dictator.

Lets face it.. this women needs a dictator to direct her life, are you willing to play that roll? She will need to crawl very low and stay there a while. Can she really handle be handled? Is she ready to play the roll that she needs to play to succeed in this marriage?

I think she is sad that you are moving on and is afraid you will not be there. She moved out and now sees the reality of it all and it doesn't look good. So now she is ready to submit? At the very least warn her..warn her of the demand that it will take to work things out...like being told NO...like asking for permission..like having her world exposed to you when ever you fell like looking?

My wife has gone through hell in our R and I wouldn't have it any other way. My WS has and still is putting up with some crazy stuff in helping me heal and having the privlage of staying with me. It is not easy having her phone taken from her and looked at when ever I please. Its not easy turning down girls night out. Its not easy getting spanked when she forgets to turn in her reciepts. 

The point is... is she really ready to give her self back to you? Or is she just affraid to be with out you? There is a big difference here.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> I am going to have a talk with my wife tonight about what is going on and how confused this is making me. I don't get how she can just switch this on like that after everything that has happened, and then be totally astonished that this is putting me back ten feet. I mean I said I wanted a divorce. I got to the point where even I said screw it, I'm done....and now she wants it all back.
> I get all the stuff I wanted and missed. The I love you, I miss you, I need to cuddle....everything I wanted to have and hear the last 2 years.
> I dunno, guess I'll see how things go tonight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey, stop stressing out over it. She's the one who cheated and she seems to need you more than you need her. If she really wants to make it work then she has to catch up to you. Until then just stay on the path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

So much garbage and drama going on right now. I will have to update this all later
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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I'm sorry you are having to go through what you are living right now. I know what that pain feels like, to be let down and to give and get nothing in return........
I think you need to just let your wife live her choices for a while so she can really get a grip on what she has let her life become.
You live your life better than the one you had with her.....
When she comes to her senses if she does and you still are willing to try then get a plan together that includes therapy..........
Marriages have come back from worse places but this is going to be a learning experience for her..........let her live the pain and guilt of her decisions, let her learn by herself, let her feel her regrets.........
In the meantime enjoy yourself and keep an open mind and heart about life and just let it take you where it does.............


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I only have a few minutes so I'll try and be quick.

Yesterday my wife texted me saying that the OM was demanding the baby and freaking out on her. Then he took care to remind her that he is licensed to carry a gun now and that she needs to be scared. She also found out that he has been making plans to steal the baby and run to Florida with the aid of his parents. Found out from this guys ex gf.
She called the cops and got a restraining order from him. CRAZY DAY...
since then she's declared her devotion to me and given me passwords and her phone and said she'll do anything to win my trust and prove herself to me. She said she wants to grow old with me and she knows now how much I meant to her.
The only problem with that is I'm not sure if I care anymore....because I also find out she has been keeping her options with him open this whole time, and telling me it's nothing. Basicall an EA over texting and phone calls.
really thinking about divorce as a serious option right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

Dont fall for it. You will get emotionally involved again, and who says she wont do this again with another guy.
It sucks, but let her deal with this situation on her own since she is the one that started it. Sounds like she didnt want much to do with you until things went South with the other guy, so she is using you. File the papers and find another woman.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> I only have a few minutes so I'll try and be quick.
> 
> Yesterday my wife texted me saying that the OM was demanding the baby and freaking out on her. Then he took care to remind her that he is licensed to carry a gun now and that she needs to be scared. She also found out that he has been making plans to steal the baby and run to Florida with the aid of his parents. Found out from this guys ex gf.
> She called the cops and got a restraining order from him. CRAZY DAY...
> ...


****.

Uh, damn, can you confirm all of this?

Anyway, if you don't know if you care anymore, you probably don't and, if she's been "keeping her options open then she can keep on moving."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

It does sound suspiciously like the OM front caved in and she is running for cover. I'd be tempted to let her go it alone from here, at least for a while. 

Remember, there is absolutely no reason why you can't get back together, even after a divorce but at this point, i'd let her experience life on her own and let her decide if she truly wants to put the effort into repairing the relationship.

Q~


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Josh,

Hang in there. I think you're really angry right now. Don't make snap decisions while angry.

It's a start. She's still going to be going through withdrawal - real withdrawal this time. 

IF I'm not mistaken with these restraining orders, she nor he are allowed to communicate. 

This might be enough to get her to a more sane place. 

I also agree with some of the others above. I've never had to go through this but my Dad did when I was real young but in his case Mom never came back. The trauma still haunts me to this day because I still have a shadow of Mom in my memories but can't quite see her. 

Give it one more go. She seems to making the right steps. 

Take this time to reinforce the boundaries with your wife and make sure Craxy OM stays the hell away. Trust me - he doesn't want the baby. He's just out to make as much havoc in your lives as possible. 

Good Luck and God Bless.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

Josh, I've been following your journey and I'm sorry that I have nothing to contribute. I wish I had some wisdom to make at least a small improvement in your situation but all I can offer is that I feel for you and I respect the way you've handled yourself. Through your writings I have truly felt your pain.
I hope you find peace soon my friend.

WHN


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Nice to get some words of encouragement. I'm used to being called dumb for putting up with this as long as I have.  I've felt that way throughout the majority of this. 
Kinda hard to put a finger on the pulse of how I feel with this atm. I go from being done, to wanting to work on it now that things are returning to some semblance of "normal". Guess I'll just let some time pass and decide.
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