# Kids or no kids? Regrets?



## QuietSoul

Was wondering of anyone here chose not to have kids and regrets that decision now?

i'm 31, H is 38, we do want kids I guess bit we're not clucky for them and I have a MASSIVE phobia that I will face if he wants kids that bad, and we're trying now. If it was all up to me, I would prefer to adopt or foster, and we were looking into it at one stage, but his heart wasn't in it. I feel like we would regret it later if we didn't have at least one. I think we would be good parents.

Any advice or personal experiences from the mature couples?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13

My wife and I were similar ages as you guys. When we first had kids, five years ago, I was 36, wife was 28. 

If I am being honest, all through dating I wasn't sold on the idea of having kids. All my friends started having kids. To a guy, the greatest birth control is being around other people's screaming kids.

My wife really wanted to have kids, so we did. My mentality at that point was yes I could have kids but I would be ok without them. But again she really wanted to. She got pregnant within the first 5 months after we were married. Lost her pregnancy at 3 months, then was pregnant with our son a few months after that. Two years after he was born we had our daughter. They are 3 and 5 now. 

They are my whole world, the best thing that ever happened to me. They are a crimp on your social lives, they tear the house apart, and your privacy goes out the window. But I wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes I wish we had waited another year or so before we got pregnant, we had only 4-5 month "newlywed" period. But at this point I wouldn't change a thing.

So I guess to answer your question, and obviously I cannot speak as an older couple without kids, I would say if you didn't have kids it wouldn't mean there was something missing in your life. But if you did have kids through any means, you would not have any regrets.

Just make sure your bathrooms and bedroom have locks on the door.


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## CharlieParker

Mature couple??? I'm 46 and she's 52, married 21 years, yes, OK, we resemble that remark. (Below is copied from a previous post of mine.)

We don't have any children. We initially thought we would and bought a house with kids in mind. While the neighbors raised 11 kids in the same set up, ultimately that house would not have worked for us. We regularly checked with one another, no not yet, we're enjoying "us" too much at the moment. When she was about 36 she said we needed to decide once and for all as she didn't want to go to a HS graduation at almost 60. We agreed it would only take a single yes to make it happen. But there were no yeses.

She has said the timing was just off, not having the right guy at the right time.

No regrets. The closest I've come to that is seeing pics of parent and children here on TAM. Yes kid photos are always cute but it's the look on some of the parents. I've never seen quite that look on her.

We get to see the nephews fairly often, then they go home.


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## okeydokie

Three teenagers, I love them more then I can possibly express. They take a lot of stressful work to raise right. It has taken a major toll on our marriage. It's not their fault, it's my wife and I who are to blame


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## daffodilly

I'm 43, husband is 44, when we married I had a 7 year old from a previous marriage. My husband really, really wanted to have kids, so by the time the wedding rolled around I was pregnant with twins.

I had them at 36. I would say if one of you wants them, and the other is not strongly opposed (which it doesn't sound like you are), definitely go for it. I would think if someone wants kids and never tried for them they will have regrets. We can't imagine our lives without them, frankly. Just be sure to take care of your marriage first and foremost...it's easy to just put the relationship on a back priority and devote all your attention to the little ones. But it doesn't have to be that way....always make time for each other. Luckily H and I were always in agreement on that one. Kids know we have "date nights" and there's some sneaking around which is fun when we want to mess around....a little harder to do with the teenager, though!

(Locks on the bedroom door are a must!  )


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## southern wife

1 child and no regrets! She is my world and I've always known I wanted to be a Mom since I was a little girl. I had her when I was 35.

If you want kids, go for it!


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## Red Sonja

No kids by mutual choice and then … 14 years into our marriage we “inherited” a 5yo due to a family tragedy. Best laid plans and all that, but no regrets whatsoever.


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## CharlieParker

Red Sonja said:


> No kids by mutual choice and then … 14 years into our marriage we “inherited” a 5yo due to a family tragedy. Best laid plans and all that, but no regrets whatsoever.


Did he/she changes things between the two of you? I've wondered what if that happened to us.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Three kids. No regrets.


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## COGypsy

No kids. No regrets. Kids are in fact a deal breaker for me now that I'm divorced. I don't date guys that have them and I don't date guys that can make them.


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## ChargingCharlie

Two little ones (twins) and they are my pride and joy. However, through no fault of their own, they've put a major stress on our marriage. As stated in way too many posts, DW is very immature, and she won't hesitate to cuss in front of the kids if something goes wrong. Also loves to be a nag to me (nothing I do is correct). She's also very insecure, and a lot of this is due to her insecurity. 

Before kids, we seemed to be much happier, and I didn't mind her being around. Now, I love it when she goes out and I have the kids (or I take the kids somewhere myself) as that means that I won't have to deal with her. When she's around, the stress levels are elevated through the roof. When she's gone, the stress leaves with her. 

Just make damn sure you're both ready, and make note of how he was raised (meaning how his parents are), as this will give you a window on the kind of parent he'll be. I like my in-laws (they're nice people and are very well-meaning and generous), but I have to wonder how they raised their kids, as DW and her one sibling are immature, and the other one is a total PITA.


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## TooNice

His child was 2 when we married, and we were pregnant with our first within a year. Had some bad life things happen, and never ended up having more...first because I had some things I needed to work through. I handled that, but then he wasn't ready. Now I think he was already doubting our marriage. So, I will always, always mourn the fact that I didn't have more and never will. 

As for the two we have though, NO regrets whatsoever. We made amazing humans.


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## over20

We had our first baby at 21 and 22. It was hard but then had 3 more. I am glad we had them all in our twenties. No regrets.


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## jld

We have five, 18 down to 5. We don't regret it at all. Most of the time. 

I look at the damage to my body, and I am still glad I had them. And I think about how fulfilling a career, or at least more education would have been, and I am tempted to regret . . . but I think if I look deep inside, I don't really regret it. 

I feel privileged to be a SAHM. And I certainly feel lucky to be married to a man who is committed to me and loves me no matter what. I am glad I listened to him and had our kids. We have learned, and continue to learn, so much from them.


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## richie33

2 kids. Only regret is I wish we started our family earlier.


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## ntamph

I don't have any but definitely planning on it. Can't imagine being old and not having kids and grand kids.


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## Miss Taken

I have two, 8 1/4 years apart. Neither of them were planned but I love them both very much and am looking forward to (hopefully anyways) having grand kids one day.


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## SimplyAmorous

Being an only child & not liking this at all growing up..then seeing the Joy / even boisterous chaos of my Best friend's larger family up the road, feeling a part of that...I knew from a young age.... *THIS IS WHAT I WANTED FOR MY LIFE*.... 

No regrets...

1st son was conceived almost immediately...then nothing... Doc visits, many tests, a surgery ..took another 6 + yrs to conceive son #2...11 months later son #3 was born......then boom, boom, boom.. 

We have 6 (ages 7-23)...darn they grow fast! 

Our children have been the greatest of blessings...we can't imagine life without them, they fill our days, make us laugh, get us out of the house to go cheer them on, we love seeing them enjoy their lives , their friends... they greatly fulfill our lives. 

Husband told me early on ...I could have as many as I wanted ...so long as I took care of them.. meaning not expecting him to get up in the middle of the night & start complaining how much work they are.. 

Me & husband look upon raising Children similar to the message contained in this book *>>* 







The Giving Tree 







.... it is a story of Unconditional Love...Giving to them ...to enrich their lives...encouraging their friendships, helping them reach their dreams as they grow....

This makes us Happy (we are the tree)....we are only here for *a season *in their lives.. .to love, nurture, and prepare them for this world... so they have wings to fly on their own..


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## jorgegene

Almost everybody that I know and talked to who has kids has never regretted it. It is a VERY rare couple or individual Dad or Mom who regrets having kids. How many do you know in your lives who has said 
"We wish we didn't have kids" I bet nobody knows anyone.

That's proof that kids are a much greater blessing than otherwise.
On the other hand almost every parent will tell you that kids are a giant pain in the @ss, expensive and can cost a marriage and husband/wife relationships.

As for myself, I've never had my own kids and don't regret it. There have been a few times in my life, when my brother or sister have gone on long cross country trips with their kids (like we used to do when we were young), I had twinge of jealousy.

But I married into kids who are older (hers), so in a way I have the best of both worlds.

Think hard. I think the bottom line is if you REALLY want kids, have them. If your not sure, don't. Don't have kids just because that's what everybody else does


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## Anonymous07

Either way it can work out. I know people who never had kids and are happy, and people who have kids and are happy. 

I have a 9 month old son and have no regrets. I am starting to get that "itch" for baby #2, but know that it's better to hold off on that for another year or so. I can't imagine life without my son and love my little family. It's exhausting and frustrating at times, but I really enjoy being a mom.


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## COGypsy

jorgegene said:


> As for myself, I've never had my own kids and don't regret it. There have been a few times in my life, when my brother or sister have gone on long cross country trips with their kids (like we used to do when we were young), I had twinge of jealousy.


Ha! I loved this.....I think the first time I've ever seen long car trips as something to be wistful over and "missed out on"--from either childfree folks OR parents! :rofl:


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## Skate Daddy 9

My wife and I have 7 from 20 to 10 years old, Even though people look at us like a circus side show I love it.


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## Mer-Maid

jorgegene said:


> I think the bottom line is if you REALLY want kids, have them. If your not sure, don't. *Don't have kids just because that's what everybody else does*


Bravo!


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## kag123

What is your exact phobia, if you don't mind sharing? I ask because I had a huge phobia of hospitals/medical procedures/needles...seriously a full blown phobia. I got pregnant twice back-to-back in my early/mid 20's unplanned (despite using multiple forms of BC) and it forced me to confront my phobia for the sake of my unborn children. I won't lie...it was hell...but I got through it. If I would have had to plan to try to concieve a child I am not sure I would have ever been able to get past the phobia to do it. Sounds silly but true. 

We don't regret our kids at all, despite that they came a bit earlier than we would have liked at the time. Looking back now I have felt that things happened that way for good reason. Because of the specific circumstances of when we concieved them both, we have always felt it was "meant to be". Before I got PG I had absolutely no idea whether I wanted kids. I had honestly never even thought about it and could have gone either way. I couldn't picture myself as a mother and didn't particularly like other people's kids. As soon as I found out I was pregnant and saw the little bean moving around on the ultrasound, it changed my whole life and I knew I wanted to be a mom. Sounds cliche but true. Could've been hormone related too...I'm pretty sure biology has made sure that a mother maintains an interest in keeping her baby...

I have friends and family members who chose not to have children and they are perfectly happy with that decision. 

It doesn't really matter what everyone else says about their own decision though. Just don't let your decision be based largely on a phobia. Get into therapy or see a doc and get treated for that phobia...THEN make your decision about having a baby knowing it had nothing to do with a phobia ruling your life.


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## doobie

You need to do what's right for you. However, I grew up not particularly wanting kids. I had an early marriage and had my first daughter at age 23 - that's when I woke up and smelt the coffee. Within 18 months, I had left my husband and began to bring up my daughter on my own. I had another daughter 9 years later, split up with her father when she was 6 months old and then decided to not bother with having a relationship with a man as I didn't want anything to conflict with the way I brought up my kids. 

Bringing up my two girls has been the biggest privilege and joy in my life. They've both had a university education, are great people that I really admire. I'm now a grandmother and, fortunately, I now have a wonderful son in law as well as my two daughters. My son in law is an excellent husband and father and I love him as much as I love my daughters. 

So, from growing up not particularly wanting to have kids, I went to focussing most of my adult life on the pleasures of bringing up my girls and the rewards have been immeasurable. My kids are what gives the most meaning to my life - I have learned so much from them and they have made me a much better person than I could ever have hoped to become without them.


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## Adeline

jorgegene said:


> Almost everybody that I know and talked to who has kids has never regretted it. It is a VERY rare couple or individual Dad or Mom who regrets having kids. How many do you know in your lives who has said
> "We wish we didn't have kids" I bet nobody knows anyone.


I agree with this sentiment. But it's also all in how you make it. One of my very best friends has 2 kids and she claims she wants 4, but she just doesn't seem to enjoy them or motherhood. She is a good mom and loves them, she just never seems to be able to be in the moment and think outside of feeding, cleaning, and putting them down for naps and being stressed and upset about everything. Theres so much more to life and family than that. I would never say this to her face, but watching her go through this experience has really opened my eyes to how I hope not to be. I really want to enjoy my children once I have them.


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## soulseer

I have 2 kids. I dont regret my children. 

However I do miss the way the relationship with my wife was about US rather than our children. I miss the fun , freedom and yes the sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GIM003

We are an long term couple (25 years married), but I'm not sure if either of us are "mature".

I always assumed that parenthood was part of the plan and it was something we discussed prior to marriage. In truth I was less committed to the idea of parenthood than my wife in the sense that I think that I would not have felt regret if we weren't able to have our own. My kids are now both at university and I can honestly say that being a dad has been (and continues to be) the best experience of my life. Without a doubt it has made me a better person. It is also a lot of work and sometimes it is not fun.

I also remember back in the day, once we had decided that we were "ready" to start a family that it was a lot of fun trying to make that first baby.


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## Jellybeans

Sometimes us childfree folks have moments where we weremember our happiness at being childfree.

Today that happened to me. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about her last vacation and how nice it was fo rher to finally be able to get some alone time w/o her kids--her first real vacation and she looked so damn happy as she was telling me this. And I thought, Yeah. That does sound perfect. Sometimes the idea of being a parent sounds exhausting to me.


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## Jellybeans

Oh and I thought about when someone asks me, "Do you have any kids" and I say "No. No kids. And I am ok with that" because really.


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## BostonBruins32

alright. I'll be the bad guy.

There are times where I regret deciding to start a family. This is an honest opinion. My reason for this has less to do with my daughter and more to do with my overall family situation. I'm at a different place. In hindsight, I wanted children but I do not think my wife and I were ideal to start a family together. I do not think we were ideal to marry, so obviously this extrapolates to having children. 

I know this is probably obvious, but the satisfaction of having children will weigh heavily on how your marriage is. If your marriage is not healthy or strong, having children will feel very different from those who start in a healthy relationship. So the advice to anyone here is to reallly really understand your relationship with your spouse before you sign up for children.

I sound like the bad guy here, but this is just an honest assessment.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Jellybeans said:


> Sometimes us childfree folks have moments where we weremember our happiness at being childfree.
> 
> Today that happened to me. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about her last vacation and how nice it was fo rher to finally be able to get some alone time w/o her kids--her first real vacation and she looked so damn happy as she was telling me this. And I thought, Yeah. That does sound perfect. Sometimes the idea of being a parent sounds exhausting to me.


It is exhausting. I've spent the majority of my weekend dedicated to my kids and its only half over. Between being a shuttle service for them and their friends, softball practice for my youngest daughter, easter egg hunt, painting easter eggs, making sure they are fed, painting my oldest daughter's bedroom and then running out to a couple of stores to make sure I have my duty as the Easter bunny fulfilled, I've had little time for myself. My house is constantly a disaster and I find it impossible to stay on top of things. My list of things to do grows faster than I can knock things off.

Despite all that, from my perspective, it is worth it. I couldn't be prouder of the fine young ladies they are becoming. Every day I come home knowing the chaos that is going to ensue and yet I still can't wait to see them. I honestly don't enjoy taking a vacation without them, they are always on my mind. My last "vacation" without them was a trip to the Dominican to help build a home for a poor family. I found myself constantly wishing that they were with me to have that same experience.

That is NOT to say though that my life wouldn't be just as fulfilling without kids. My house would be cleaner, my wallet fuller, I would be able to stay on top of things and enjoy what I want to do ... heck, I might even have a love life. My life wouldn't be better ... or worse ... just different.


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## john117

Absolutely worth it. 

From my ice queen younger premed daughter who enjoys cutting up cadavers (anatomy lab) and challenging Asian kids on academic duels (she's half Asian lolz) to my drama queen design daughter who puts all her emotions and passion in her work, I'm the luckiest dad ever. 

Right when my day is not going well I get a text with my daughter's college cat antics or the latest insights from the biology lab and it's all good.

I taught both great life skills (Xbox, how to get away with things, photography) and I'm thrilled they both chose academic areas related to mine so we can talk shop once in a while...


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## GIM003

You know, I really enjoy reading the encouraging positive messages from a lot of us parents; I respect BBruins' honesty and it's great to hear non-parents who are equally happy with their choices. 

OP, the main thing is that you need to talk to your partner about your concerns and you need to decide together. Your "massive phobia" is not something that you should being trying to sort out on your own, especially if the two of you want to minimize chances of regretting whatever you decide.


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## hawkeye

I have one, she's awesome and I love her to death........but probably wouldn't do it again. Not a fan of being a parent. Oh well, at least I got a good one. That helps a lot.


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## TurtleRun

The only thing I regret about having kids is that I don't have a housekeeper and a cook so I can enjoy my babies more  Ah one can dream.


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## Unique Username

On the idea of Regret 

for choosing to have or not to have kids (or not being able to)

Gotta take this life - what one is dealt - and just move on along.

If you didn't have them and wanted them - there are many ways to mentor children...volunteering, being a great Aunt or Uncle, Foster Parenting, teaching kids the skill or hobby you are passionate about

Having kids and regretting that you did, or did too early or too late...not much you can do about it NOW. So, You are entrusted with the caring and nurturing of another human being...give it your absolute best possible effort. You WILL find pleasure in it, and satisfaction, and more love than you ever possibly imagined...and yeah annoyances, disappointments, tears of joy and sadness, 
kinda like plain old life I think.

Whatever your choice, make the best possible life you can out of it.
We do only live once, and every day is a new beginning to making it better than the day before.

 

P.S. I don't regret in the least having my son.
I do regret choosing his Father lol BUT - if I had chose differently then maybe I wouldn't have such an awesome kid.
Butterfly effect


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## Trickster

I know many older people. Some with kids and who never had them. After a D or when their spouse passes away, the ones with children seem to be happier. One older female friend, 70, with Parkinson's Disease, never married, no kids, and she has no friends anymore that visit her. 

Having a daughter later in life has been so hard. I've made many flubs as a dad. I hope she has her sanity when she gets older...I believe we would of regretted it if we decided to not have a child...


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## daffodilly

BostonBruins32 said:


> I know this is probably obvious, but the satisfaction of having children will weigh heavily on how your marriage is. If your marriage is not healthy or strong, having children will feel very different from those who start in a healthy relationship.
> 
> I sound like the bad guy here, but this is just an honest assessment.


:iagree:


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## Trickster

BostonBruins32 said:


> alright. I'll be the bad guy.
> 
> There are times where I regret deciding to start a family. This is an honest opinion. My reason for this has less to do with my daughter and more to do with my overall family situation. I'm at a different place. In hindsight, I wanted children but I do not think my wife and I were ideal to start a family together. I do not think we were ideal to marry, so obviously this extrapolates to having children.
> 
> I know this is probably obvious, but the satisfaction of having children will weigh heavily on how your marriage is. If your marriage is not healthy or strong, having children will feel very different from those who start in a healthy relationship. So the advice to anyone here is to reallly really understand your relationship with your spouse before you sign up for children.
> 
> I sound like the bad guy here, but this is just an honest assessment.


I thought a child would bring us closer together. I agree with you Boston, the marriage has to be strong to begin with. I don't think there are many parents that would admit that they wish they never had kids...ever. Not out loud. Even if they were thinking it. Especially when their children are going through those crazy teenage years...

We're not there yet, but we're close...

One day when our daughter asks us the same question, of course we will say she was the best thing that ever happened to the two of us... What else would we possibly say to her or anybody else we know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie

BostonBruins32 said:


> alright. I'll be the bad guy.
> 
> There are times where I regret deciding to start a family. This is an honest opinion. My reason for this has less to do with my daughter and more to do with my overall family situation. I'm at a different place. In hindsight, I wanted children but I do not think my wife and I were ideal to start a family together. I do not think we were ideal to marry, so obviously this extrapolates to having children.
> 
> I know this is probably obvious, but the satisfaction of having children will weigh heavily on how your marriage is. If your marriage is not healthy or strong, having children will feel very different from those who start in a healthy relationship. So the advice to anyone here is to reallly really understand your relationship with your spouse before you sign up for children.
> 
> I sound like the bad guy here, but this is just an honest assessment.


Know where you're coming from, BB. My kids are my world, but I can barely stand to be around my wife. Kids can show you how someone really is as a spouse, let alone a parent. I encourage my wife to go out and do things, as that makes this place stress-free. She's out this morning, so I have the kids. Already had breakfast and cleaned up, and now going to do some fun stuff. If she was here, breakfast would be stressful and the dishes wouldn't be cleaned ("I need a break"). She'd be mad that I didn't clean them up correctly, didn't change their clothes correctly, they're whining, etc. If I'm at work and she's home with the kids, she's mad ("you get to go to work, they won't listen to me, I can't get anything done"). If I have the kids, all is well. We have fun. I am so dreading going on vacation this year as she will be at DefCon -1 with the stress level.


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## Tmj4477

Yes, massive regrets. Always wanted one married a person who already had some (massive regret). Now I''m over the age where I wanted them and I feel that I will have no legacy and now I'm reevaluating my retirement priorities since I will completely have to depend on myself. On the pro side though I now feel like I can have fun since I will have no one to take care of.


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## Coffee Amore

No, I don't regret it. I wish I had started our family earlier. My husband is an amazing father and I like to think I'm an equally wonderful mother.


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## EleGirl

QuietSoul said:


> Was wondering of anyone here chose not to have kids and regrets that decision now?
> 
> i'm 31, H is 38, we do want kids I guess bit we're not clucky for them and I have a MASSIVE phobia that I will face if he wants kids that bad, and we're trying now. If it was all up to me, I would prefer to adopt or foster, and we were looking into it at one stage, but his heart wasn't in it. I feel like we would regret it later if we didn't have at least one. I think we would be good parents.
> 
> Any advice or personal experiences from the mature couples?


One adopted son.
Two step children.

All are in the mid 20's now.

Why would you rather adopt or foster. Talk about each separately as they are very very different things.

I have no regrets with adopting.

I do have regrets with by two step children as there were serious problems because of some very bad things that happened to them prior to me becoming their step mother. sometimes all the good in the world cannot fix the harm done by bad people. I would equate raising my two step children to being similar to fostering older children... it's full of problems.


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## Happilymarried25

We have two kids a 16 and 20 year old. They really are great kids. We got married in our late 20's and waited 5 years to have the first one and 4 years later to have the second one. That was a great decision as it gave us time to be a couple, travel, buy a house and get more established in our careers. Having kids has made our marriage stronger. I think it has helped that we were older when we got married and waited to have children.


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## john117

I'm carrying on an IM conversation with my younger girl (18) who's in college about the kind of music I used to listen at her age. She was blown away that bands like It's A Beautiful Day or Deep Purple or Pavlov's Dog existed... 

She now has a better understanding of where I come from. This cross pollination of cultures and times allows us to share experiences.

That is why you have kids. Trying to explain to a neurobiology major the significance of psychotropic drugs is quite entertaining :rofl:


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## ChargingCharlie

Adeline said:


> I agree with this sentiment. But it's also all in how you make it. One of my very best friends has 2 kids and she claims she wants 4, but she just doesn't seem to enjoy them or motherhood. She is a good mom and loves them, she just never seems to be able to be in the moment and think outside of feeding, cleaning, and putting them down for naps and being stressed and upset about everything. Theres so much more to life and family than that. I would never say this to her face, but watching her go through this experience has really opened my eyes to how I hope not to be. I really want to enjoy my children once I have them.


Yep, this is spot on. My wife is always harried, stressed, and gets mad about the smallest things. She is ecstatic that I can take them out to play and all is well, but when we're all together, it's all stress and Daddy does nothing right. A friend of ours noticed how stressed she is last week - they were outside with the kids, and the friend said the wife couldn't even enjoy the kids playing outside - she was all stressed out just watching them play. 

This is why OP, and anyone else thinking of kids, make sure you're ready. It's gotten to the point here that I dread the weekend, as the stress will start with breakfast and will proceed for the entire weekend, which is why the kids and I go out by ourselves when we can - let's kids have fun and allows Daddy to get away from their Mommy, who is full of stress and nags Daddy to death over the smallest things.

Also, forget about sex. Kids will be three next week, and we've had sex once in that time. She always complains that she's tired, doesn't feel well, etc., so I don't bother. Sex is last on the list behind her TV programs, Facebook, computer games, etc.


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## Caribbean Man

QuietSoul said:


> Was wondering of anyone here chose not to have kids and regrets that decision now?


We chose not to have any kids and initially all along I had no regrets.

But now since I have crossed my 40's I'm beginning to feel a sense or regret creeping in.


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## barbados

WE have two kids, 16 & 13, and I sometimes regret not having at least one more, but am grateful for the 2 children we have.


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## john117

My older girl is flying to Europe for the summer for school. Her main concern was finding the perfect type of shoes that fit well and do not look gaudy. I spent 2 hours at Macy's and Nordstrom Rack. 

Chalk it up to the regrets column. On second thought she won a nice sum of money on an art competition and wanted to spend part of her first 'earnings' on something nice.

It seems like yesterday that I had to make the same decision. In 1978. Headed straight to the camera store for a Canon Speedlite electronic flash unit. 

Sniff sniff.


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## Lyris

My daughters are bliss. They are joy. They are life-enhancers.

2 girls, 4 and 7, I was 34 and 37 when they were born. My husband and I have been together since highschool, so we had a long time to be just us.

It was a big adjustment. We had a difficult couple of years. But things are fantastic now and our girls are growing up. They amaze me everyday, I adore being around them. 

Not a single regret. Well, a tiny one in that I miss going away with just my husband, but now that they are getting older, that will be possible soon.

And it's Mothers' Day today. The sweetness of the two of them this morning was indescribable.


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## PieceOfSky

I love my children dearly. If my life adds up to nothing else, I know I have nurtured strengths and other traits in them that are good and will serve their lives well. And, so maybe things I value in this world will be helped to live on, after I am gone, and perhaps more than I could have facilitated directly.



They also give me love and admiration that is of an importance and quality I don't get elsewhere.



It is not the only way to have these things, of course. But, I am very grateful I do, and I love them more than I can express.



But, having kids adds stresses and risks. Best to make sure first one is with the right partner, and both have healthy approaches to life and difficulties.


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## PieceOfSky

Op,



What is the massive phobia?


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## jld

I was just thinking, as the kids were giving me hugs and a card today for Mother's Day, how glad I am to be a mother. I don't think I would have ever thought of having five children on my own, but I am glad I listened to dh's vision for us.

I think family life in general is a gift.

We grow so much from having children. We become less selfish. We are stretched in so many ways, and forced to adapt.

I am really glad things have turned out the way they have, even though the idea did not come from me.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
I know couples with kids and couples who chose not to, or couldn't have kids.

Some of the couples with kids are extremely happy. Some are happy, but miss the things in life that you can't easily do with kids. I know one couple that really wishes they hadn't had kids.

The childless couples have not indicated that they are unhappy, and 2 have very strongly stated that they are happy with their decision.

I think it completely depends on the people. Children change everything. Since it is one of the few decisions in life that you can never change, it is worth very careful thought. I suggest that anyone considering children find a way to spend a lot of time with children first (say as shelter foster-parent). Find out for sure what life is really like with kids and whether or not it is what you want.


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## Wolf1974

2 kids. Both daughters. They are the only two things I have ever done right in my personal life


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## ariel_angel77

I have a child. I wish so so much that I would have waited. I knew I wanted children and jumped the gun. I wasn't ready at all. However, I love my babygirl to death and of course I don't regret HER. Just the decision to have a child at 19.


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## DvlsAdvc8

I've found a greater connection to my kids now that I'm divorced. Before, everything kid related was mom's domain and my opinions never really mattered nor could I seemingly do anything "right" (she would undo/redo whatever I had done or constantly correct me).


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## Almostrecovered

my only regret is that my kids didn't come with an off switch


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## Lyris

Almostrecovered said:


> my only regret is that my kids didn't come with an off switch


They take after the turtle


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## SimplyAmorous

intheory said:


> *Sorry. Not a very positive post. I guess honesty is more important.
> 
> Childless couples are often portrayed as selfish and shallow. People don't seem to want to consider that there are often substantial reasons for not having kids*.


Honesty is so very important...we all come from different situations and these experiences can GREATLY influence our desires for our future and how we envision happiness.. 

Speaking from one who Dreamed of a larger family (I hated being an only child and envied my best friends large family growing up, they inspired me)...yet I would never say this about childless couples -EVER.....I have always stood up for couples who choose to NOT have kids.... because if there is anything I have learned in life & the pursuit of happiness...by just observing others...their story's....it is this >>>

The last thing any of us should do is ... CONFORM to another's beliefs or life choices *out of guilt*, or some notion of *"acceptance"* if it's NOT in our 's to go that route....this will almost inevitably lead to a place of unhappiness / unsettledness....True, this could change later down the road, but our personal passions ...so often = feeling our purpose.... so we shouldn't get sidetracked with pleasing others too much...only in the "responsible"....as this blesses ALL. 

There is NOTHING wrong with being childless, choosing a career...living life as a "vacation" even... I had a great Uncle & his wife... never wanted kids....retired early & Traveled the United States....Life was a "vacation" for them... they both lived to be in their 90's ...they'd say they didn't miss a thing! 

Also a cousin...she's a Physician's Assistant / works in the ER in a Big city...LIFE is hectic...she thrives on it... her husband a Fine chef, fancy Restaurant...they love exercising, their 2 big dogs....never wanted kids....their careers fulfill them greatly, they are very GOOD at what they do! 

I'd also say....some who throw the "*they are selfish*" comments out so quickly may even be secretly wishing they LIVED the life of those they are saying this about! It's a cover up....it makes THEM feel better about themselves, superior in sacrifice somehow..... One just never knows. 

I would even go as far as to say... (bet you never heard this one!)... I *wanted kids* because I am "selfish"...as I selfishly enjoy having a family...(I was pi$$ed off when I couldn't conceive - mad at the freaking world ... no jealousy or envy has overtaken me more in this life - over "doting Mothers" with little ones round about her)....My children brought me happiness.... fulfillment... so I don't think those who don't are selfish... I see them as loosing out (from my own perspective).... just as they see ME as being half crazy, why I would invite this hassle, these little mouthy brats, the added expense, sucking our time, slowing us down..

So No.. to each their own.. to know what brings you happiness and to pursue it... this is wisdom... the world is full of diversity as it should be.


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## BostonBruins32

ChargingCharlie said:


> Know where you're coming from, BB. My kids are my world, but I can barely stand to be around my wife. Kids can show you how someone really is as a spouse, let alone a parent. I encourage my wife to go out and do things, as that makes this place stress-free. She's out this morning, so I have the kids. Already had breakfast and cleaned up, and now going to do some fun stuff. If she was here, breakfast would be stressful and the dishes wouldn't be cleaned ("I need a break"). She'd be mad that I didn't clean them up correctly, didn't change their clothes correctly, they're whining, etc. If I'm at work and she's home with the kids, she's mad ("you get to go to work, they won't listen to me, I can't get anything done"). If I have the kids, all is well. We have fun. I am so dreading going on vacation this year as she will be at DefCon -1 with the stress level.


digging old on a post here. but this is so true.

we had the most stressful day on Sunday because we got an invite very late to attend a bday party. wife lost her cool, snapping at me and snapping at our daughter. All because the thought of putting on shoes, combing hair, and grabbing a juice for the road was too stressful to do last minute. 

Our daughter was already dressed. The party was 15 minutes down the road. We had an hour to get there. This was literally too much for my wife to handle. 

sorry for the late response, but i had to.


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## Scannerguard

I love my 3 kids to death. Love them.

But yes, I regret the whole experience.

I use this analogy if you doubt my love for them:

Ever know people in the army? Some of them really love it. They love their country. They loved the marches. The dirt. The dysentary. The travel. THE LOSS OF SLEEP. The adventure. They come back from a tour of duty and talk about their adventures, mis-adventures, dangers and close calls. They yearn for those days again; you can hear it in their voices.

Then there were people like my father. They hated the army (peacetime draft). He loves his country with all his heart but the drill sergeant was an S.O.B, his brothers in arms were dumbasses, and just generally didn't like the lifestyle. He never recommended the army for me for anything and I followed his advice.

He was a good soldier though.

I'm that guy with kids. Love them like my country. I'm a good soldier (or at least everyone says) but I am longing for my discharge papers when I can go "stateside."

Don't care to serve them the way I was drafted.

No, I wouldn't do it again. . .they send you to the poorhouse, they fuss and complain all the time, and have held me back in many ways.

I only scrolled back a little but I suppose I am the only one to feel this way.

PS: All my kids are really good kids too. The oldest just did great on his SAT's, the middle one is so well rounded, and the 6 year old is just plain funny (spoiled though). They have all never been in serious trouble (the middle one is a bit a troublemaker at school, couple of "referrals" but nothing really bad). I'm super proud of them. I couldn't ask for anything better nor would I want to father any of your little turds instead of mine, just sayin.


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## heartsbeating

Approaching 38 - never had that maternal yearning that many of my friends have. I do get a little smitten from being around friend's children. I mean, when that little girl takes your hand and wants you to jump on the trampoline with her at a dinner party... I'm sold. I'm on that trampoline with her, holding my dress at the sides and sharing in goofy faces and laughter. I recognise that that's just a few hours of fun together.

Hubs and I don't plan on having a family. No regrets. We dig our lifestyle and don't know any different. From time to time we check in with one another about it though. 

'How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan

QuietSoul said:


> Was wondering of anyone here chose not to have kids and regrets that decision now?
> 
> i'm 31, H is 38, we do want kids I guess bit we're not clucky for them and I have a MASSIVE phobia that I will face if he wants kids that bad, and we're trying now. If it was all up to me, I would prefer to adopt or foster, and we were looking into it at one stage, but his heart wasn't in it. I feel like we would regret it later if we didn't have at least one. I think we would be good parents.
> 
> Any advice or personal experiences from the mature couples?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On the flip side of those that do have kids(being me and my wife of 20 years)...no regrets. A lot of work certainly but also a lot of good times with them! I would not change a thing. 

Admirable of you to want to adopt or foster. Both come with their own set of possible problems. I have an adopted sister and nephew. Both Korean. Both with similar trials and tribulations.

As far as being a good parent...there is no instruction manual! I find we raise our kids just like we were raised but we try to do a bit better. Just in our nature. 

My wife's aunt and uncle have no children. Sometimes I feel bad for her aunt. She somehow appears unfulfilled. Hard to explain. Would you feel unfulfilled if you did not have a child? Ultimately I think the answer is with you.

Btw...I'm 49. Just went to a KISS and Def Leppard concert. I grew up with these bands. Guess who asked me to take her? My 16 year old daughter. She loves them. So, I get to see some of my favorite bands and our generations bond a bit more. Plus, I get to go to all the amusement parks and ride the ride with my kids. In short, your kids sometimes afford opportunities you probably would not think to attempt if your child was not around. I tell ya...we have a blast together.


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## kindnessrules

My perspective is a bit different, as I did not change my mind from not having to having. I have never desired to have kids. My H had foster kids with first wife; they were a handful and he did not want more kids. I don't think I have regrets but I suppose I have felt a bit lonely and unneeded and without purpose. I have never been "Mom" to anyone, never been that person who makes up someone's entire world, that person who is there for you, a cheerleader, support, encourager, etc. I never had the confidence that I could do a good job. Maybe I could have.

Almost everyone I've ever heard has said having children was the most amazing experience ever. I feel we are created for it and that is our main purpose in life and it brings great fulfillment. A few Sundays ago the pastor said a married person who "chooses" not to have children is sinning. That made me feel hurt and judged. 

I just look at so many people I know whose children have gone wayward, or struggle with illness, etc. Being a parent can bring great heartache. But still, most people seem to say it's the greatest experience and the greatest love.


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## SimplyAmorous

kindnessrules said:


> A few Sundays ago the pastor said a married person who "chooses" not to have children is sinning. That made me feel hurt and judged.


This is a ridiculous thing for a Pastor to say (and yes , hurtful..it's just wrong!).... 

I can think of many people who DEVOTE their lives to a passion they seemed born for.....sometimes it even involves helping children , who never had one of their own.. our sons's Band Teacher comes to mind.. Great great man... Wholly devoted to this craft...and it shows... the kids love him.. he is full of purpose for what he does.... and how he inspires others..another is a Cross Country coach.....(Granted, these are men but the one is married.. I know his wife...she is a devoted Aunt !)

But one doesn't even have to work with kids.. we all have a purpose.. finding it can make all the difference..it need not involve being a parent.. 

And I am speaking as one who Did want that larger family...it was my hearts's desire.. but we're all so different... I feel people should strive for what makes them Happy.. not what may make others happy, or our perception of that.


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## DvlsAdvc8

kindnessrules said:


> But still, most people seem to say it's the greatest experience and the greatest love.


Bear in mind, that some people will say so simply to conform to social expectation. How bad would it seem to hear someone with kids say, "I wish I never had kids. I hate being a parent, it's awful"? But I suspect there are many people out there who truly wish they didn't have kids regardless. When we think about in the abstract, we romanticize it... but the truth is that it is a difficult daily GRIND that can be quite stressful.

For me, it's like reaching a point of frustration where if not for that one really cute thing they do at the right moment, you'd just as soon eat them.


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## ChargingCharlie

BostonBruins32 said:


> digging old on a post here. but this is so true.
> 
> we had the most stressful day on Sunday because we got an invite very late to attend a bday party. wife lost her cool, snapping at me and snapping at our daughter. All because the thought of putting on shoes, combing hair, and grabbing a juice for the road was too stressful to do last minute.
> 
> Our daughter was already dressed. The party was 15 minutes down the road. We had an hour to get there. This was literally too much for my wife to handle.
> 
> sorry for the late response, but i had to.


OMG, that's bad. WTH is it that makes people all stressed out? You should have told her that you'd take her yourself (easier said than done, I realize). 

I have to admit, my wife has gotten better, but she still does get stressed out. This weekend, starting Friday when I got home early, I had the kids the entire time, as she had a couple of events to do (one work related), so I took them to see family on Sat and to the park on Sunday. Leaving the park, got a text to meet friends at another park, so wife met us there. Some stress involved there that would not have been there had it been just Daddy with the kids. Of course, have to leave early today as wife has another appointment. Weekend prior, took the kids to a public event with some friends, then ran them around all day. If Mommy would have been there, she would have been stressed out firstly about where we parked (go over there!!, just park there, why don't you listen to me?!). With Daddy, it's fun and stress-free. 

My favorite part is when she tells everyone how the kids just wear her out - really? Who's had them all weekend? Who has them in the morning and gets them ready? Who lets you go out to do stuff while we go to the park? Who takes them out to eat and get ice cream? But she's worn out.


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## AlmostYoung

Wife and I decided early on we didn't want to sign up for the responsibility of kids. Yes, some in society will judge us unfavorably for that choice. The way we see it, no one needs a reason or explanation for NOT having kids. Having them on the other hand, SHOULD be proceeded with a lot of thought as to the reasons one would bring another life into this world. Sadly, this is often not the case.

31 years later no regrets at all on either side over here.


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## Relationship

I can only tell you that I have two daughters ages 20 and 15. no matter what curves have been thrown at me over the years, it is my kids and the pleasure they give me that get me through. That being said, they also present many obstacles from costs to dating and college. But it is worth it. While I have nothing against adoption or foster care, you do not know what issues they can bring you that you are not expecting.


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## john117

Children are non deterministic regardless of biology  my daughters are so unlike that I could suspect a nursery mixup... But they're both awesome as all kids are.


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## heartsbeating

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Bear in mind, that some people will say so simply to conform to social expectation. How bad would it seem to hear someone with kids say, "I wish I never had kids. I hate being a parent, it's awful"? But I suspect there are many people out there who truly wish they didn't have kids regardless. When we think about in the abstract, we romanticize it... but the truth is that it is a difficult daily GRIND that can be quite stressful.
> 
> For me, it's like reaching a point of frustration where if not for that one really cute thing they do at the right moment, you'd just as soon eat them.


This made me chuckle.

My friend's daughter said she wants hubs and I to have children. She took my hand to walk with her during outings. She'd sit on my lap while I cuddled and chatted with her. And on the last day of their visit, said in a saddened voice, 'I didn't get enough [Heartsbeating] time.' We agreed that next visit we'll ensure there's time set aside for just her and I. She hugged me so tightly as we said our farewells and almost melted my childless heart  ....almost.


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## larry.gray

john117 said:


> Children are non deterministic regardless of biology  my daughters are so unlike that I could suspect a nursery mixup... But they're both awesome as all kids are.


My daughters are great examples of just that. I know they are both mine just looking at them. They look very similar, and have many of my family's physical features. My oldest (18) takes after my wife and MIL in temperament, personality and intellect. The younger (14) is SOOO like me. The younger one TOWERS over her sister - 5'10" vs. 5'2".


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## Longtermer

We have 2 girls who are now 23 and 25. They are my pride and joy. The oldest lives alone and copes brilliantly with her Aspergers and the youngest lives at home and intends to stay here forever. She has a career and thinks she will have built in childminders when she has kids lol. I love them but only really started to appreciate them in their adulthood as I am not really child friendly. would I have kids if I had my time again? Not sure.


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## justfabulous

When we first built our house and moved into the neighborhood close to 10 years ago, one of the neighbors came by and was chatting us up. "Do you have kids?", he asked. "No, not yet", we replied. Then he looked us straight in the eye and said with such intensity, "Kids will drive a WEDGE through a marriage". He was dead serious. Over the years we heard all about his family problems til they finally split up and sold the house. They had 3 kids and were constantly fighting over them. He felt she was too soft on them, she felt he was too hard on them. I'll never forget one spring day a few years ago, I was planting geraniums in my front flower beds, and heard this crazy noise coming from down the street - turned around to look and his wife was going ballistic, taking a baseball bat to his Porsche. Holy Cow. Couldn't believe what I was witnessing. Its a pretty upscale area - don't usually see stuff like that around here. He was screaming at her to stop. Next day my husband and I were driving down the street and saw him inspecting the damage in his driveway. Husband stops the car and calls out "Was it about the kids again?". "Yeah" he says, and proceeds to come over and fill us in on all the crazy details. Anyway, we don't have kids, and I suspect we probably won't (running out of time and still haven't decided that we should). I had some somewhat serious health issues beginning in my 20s that lasted well into my 30s and it really disrupted the flow in terms of starting a family. We never really planned not to have kids, it just didn't work out. Neither of us really felt a pressing need like some people/couples, nor did we ever specifically decide we didn't want to. Nor do we particularly feel a void without them. Kind of indifferent I guess. But on occasion we wonder if we'll regret it once its too late if we don't. We're at the stage that if we're gonna do it, we better do it NOW or we'll really be out of time. Anyway, in those moments when I wonder if the absence of kids will ever start to bother us, and if we should just go for it before its too late... I have a flashback to that almost crazed face with those words "Kids will drive a WEDGE through a marriage!". LOL. Maybe, maybe not. My husband and I are pretty convinced we would have AWESOME kids IF we decided to have them


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## Waits4Mr.Right

So I was married for 6 months before I got pregnant. Split from the dad when daughter was 2 1/2. Dad didn't want nothing to do with her unless I was part of the package as well. I was a single mom for 14 years. The preteen yrs and teen yrs were horrible! Daughter just wanted her dad in her life, for him to love her and he rejected her. She would then act out violently, skipping school, doing drugs, drinking and having unprotected sex...I love my daughter and yes my granddaughter as well but I will Never have another child in my life! They are alot of work, and even when you try to guide them in the right direction by talking, role modeling, they still can go buck wild. I seen that first hand. Glad that stage of my life is over! I'm a very happy empty nester, with a boyfriend and enjoying my freedom. I will enjoy being a grandma ma much better. I spoil, feed, and take her fishing, then send her home with mom. It's Great!


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## john117

If the parents have different ideas about children then it's not a wedge but a log splitter. We almost split not because of anything more critical to the marriage but due to differences in our cultures spilling over child rearing...


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## ChargingCharlie

justfabulous said:


> When we first built our house and moved into the neighborhood close to 10 years ago, one of the neighbors came by and was chatting us up. "Do you have kids?", he asked. "No, not yet", we replied. Then he looked us straight in the eye and said with such intensity, "Kids will drive a WEDGE through a marriage". He was dead serious. Over the years we heard all about his family problems til they finally split up and sold the house. They had 3 kids and were constantly fighting over them. He felt she was too soft on them, she felt he was too hard on them. I'll never forget one spring day a few years ago, I was planting geraniums in my front flower beds, and heard this crazy noise coming from down the street - turned around to look and his wife was going ballistic, taking a baseball bat to his Porsche. Holy Cow. Couldn't believe what I was witnessing. Its a pretty upscale area - don't usually see stuff like that around here. He was screaming at her to stop. Next day my husband and I were driving down the street and saw him inspecting the damage in his driveway. Husband stops the car and calls out "Was it about the kids again?". "Yeah" he says, and proceeds to come over and fill us in on all the crazy details. Anyway, we don't have kids, and I suspect we probably won't (running out of time and still haven't decided that we should). I had some somewhat serious health issues beginning in my 20s that lasted well into my 30s and it really disrupted the flow in terms of starting a family. We never really planned not to have kids, it just didn't work out. Neither of us really felt a pressing need like some people/couples, nor did we ever specifically decide we didn't want to. Nor do we particularly feel a void without them. Kind of indifferent I guess. But on occasion we wonder if we'll regret it once its too late if we don't. We're at the stage that if we're gonna do it, we better do it NOW or we'll really be out of time. Anyway, in those moments when I wonder if the absence of kids will ever start to bother us, and if we should just go for it before its too late... I have a flashback to that almost crazed face with those words "Kids will drive a WEDGE through a marriage!". LOL. Maybe, maybe not. My husband and I are pretty convinced we would have AWESOME kids IF we decided to have them


I don't know if I'd say kids put a wedge in a relationship, but speaking from my experience and viewpoint, it certainly changed things. In our case, my wife suddenly became a total PITA nag - she would be all over my ass about stupid stuff (not parking the car correctly, not changing diapers correctly, being totally stressed out over little things, mad at me because I have to work while she stayed home, etc). This lasted just about two years or so, and has gotten better in the past year. She still has her moments, but they're fewer than before, and she realizes that Daddy does know what he's doing (two times I wanted to just walk away were both when she blew up at me about finding a parking spot - I didn't blow back at her because the kids were in the car plus I wanted to show her what an adult acts like, which was the wrong move, IMO).

And forget about a sex life - we've had sex once in three years and prospects don't look good anytime soon.


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## SimplyAmorous

justfabulous said:


> When we first built our house and moved into the neighborhood close to 10 years ago, one of the neighbors came by and was chatting us up. "Do you have kids?", he asked. "No, not yet", we replied. Then he looked us straight in the eye and said with such intensity, *"Kids will drive a WEDGE through a marriage". He was dead serious.* Over the years we heard all about his family problems til they finally split up and sold the house. *They had 3 kids and were constantly fighting over them.** He felt she was too soft on them, she felt he was too hard on them.* I'll never forget one spring day a few years ago, I was planting geraniums in my front flower beds, *and heard this crazy noise coming from down the street - turned around to look and his wife was going ballistic, taking a baseball bat to his Porsche. Holy Cow. Couldn't believe what I was witnessing. Its a pretty upscale area - don't usually see stuff like that around here. He was screaming at her to stop.* Next day my husband and I were driving down the street and saw him inspecting the damage in his driveway. Husband stops the car and calls out "Was it about the kids again?". "Yeah" he says, and proceeds to come over and fill us in on all the crazy details.


That is one crazy story !!...Sounds like something you'd see in the movies ...







...usually over another woman.. not kids.. you never know what can transpire when one sees Black & the other WHITE!



> Anyway, we don't have kids, and I suspect we probably won't (running out of time and still haven't decided that we should). I had some somewhat serious health issues beginning in my 20s that lasted well into my 30s and it really disrupted the flow in terms of starting a family.* We never really planned not to have kids, it just didn't work out. Neither of us really felt a pressing need like some people/couples, nor did we ever specifically decide we didn't want to. Nor do we particularly feel a void without them. Kind of indifferent I guess*.


 Sounds you & he are *content.*. that's great.. when a woman wants them , and like you in your early yrs couldn't... I can tell you SHE IS NOT CONTENT...it was the hardest thing I ever faced...when my body would not co-operate getting pregnant month after month, year after year... It consumed me at times..a constant yearning ...the strongest envy I ever felt was to be a Mother of children... Just saying..



> But on occasion we wonder if we'll regret it once its too late if we don't. We're at the stage that if we're gonna do it, we better do it NOW or we'll really be out of time. Anyway, in those moments when I wonder if the absence of kids will ever start to bother us, and if we should just go for it before its too late... I have a flashback to that almost crazed face with those words "Kids will drive a WEDGE through a marriage!". LOL. Maybe, maybe not.* My husband and I are pretty convinced we would have AWESOME kids IF we decided to have them*


 What you say in the ending here... I have to ask.. are you like this Crazy woman neighbor and is your Hubs like her husband ? I know the answer is NO!!...

Outside of the very small risk a child may require special needs... after this...

I think so much comes down to *Our GENES*....(temperament traits of each parents, even the same quirks, mannerisms, so often we are a chip off the old block of or a grandparent, Uncle, Aunt even)... *ENVIRONMENT..* (what they see modeled in the home -those neighbor kids - Oh my!)..... *INFLUENCES* (family friends, music, what they read, listen to)...add *EXPERIENCES* (try to keep them safe, but well rounded too)... and what you learned from the neighbors...parents need to be on the same page, with each other in dealing with discipline...

When others come up to me and say good things about our kids, I so often say..."They take after their dad"... he is just a really GOOD GUY...responsible, dependable, never one to cause trouble, a man of his word.. this was modeled to our children always...and he's been a model husband as well in front of our kids.. they see how he makes me happy... .our 1st 3 boys have been so easy to raise.. I mean that..I couldn't ask for better ....I would even say we have LEARNED FROM THEM .....Our oldest paid his landlord a year in advance last year (who does this!)...always helping a friend in need.

..I/ We have found parenting , for the most part a JOY.....the highest calling... the returns for me are priceless... Many times at a restaurant, an older couple will stop us and tell us what a well behaved bunch we have.. after we get the "you got a baseball/football team there".. sometime they say to my husband '"Are they all yours?".. then the next question ... "all to the same woman?".. we always laugh at that one. Oh there are 3 younger ones to get through high school yet.. it all goes much too fast... 

But really..I am sure you know some decent kids, and families that get along well.. would be a shame if you allowed those very dysfunctional neighbors to prevent something awesome.. IF it was meant to be.. not that it is .. just saying.. but it does sound you & husband are Content JustFabulous (I like that name!)...

So enjoy ...


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## TDSC60

Two kids, 

We had it all planned out before we married. Right down to the "kid" schedule. Then she had to be taken off of "the pill" because it ran her blood pressure sky high. We were careful or so we thought. Got pregnant 5 years ahead of our carefully planned schedule. Oh well. Life has a way of letting you know that no matter what you think or how you plan, in the end, you are not in charge.


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## LonelyinLove

4 kids. 2 bio, 2 adopted.

I would never do again it if I had to do it over. I'm just not a kid person.


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## NewLife2017

No kids. Regretted it in my 30's and now I'm 49. I don't have any regrets. Honestly it's a blessing. My H's mother comes from a family with Huntington's Disease (14 children, 6 died from the disease, 2 unknown, 2 out of the 6 living has the disease but no symptoms). Neither of us knew how bad it was so it's a good thing. In our entire marriage it was only mentioned once. Found out in 2011 after my MIL passed away.


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## SimplyAmorous

NewLife2017 said:


> No kids. Regretted it in my 30's and now I'm 49. I don't have any regrets. Honestly it's a blessing. My H's mother comes from a family with *Huntington's Disease* (14 children, 6 died from the disease, 2 unknown, 2 out of the 6 living has the disease but no symptoms). Neither of us knew how bad it was so it's a good thing. In our entire marriage it was only mentioned once. Found out in 2011 after my MIL passed away.


I read the story of Carol Carr.. nothing but pure sympathy.....that is the worse disease I have ever read about , it sticks in my mind.. .. We have a friend who adopted a little girl from China after 10 yrs trying..

Then she gets pregnant on her own... then of all things...learns her husband has Huntingtons.. I couldn't believe it.. haven't seen her in years now......just the sheer worry their daughter might come down with this.... I can't even imagine..


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## Lancer

We certainly have no regrets on having children. Both of ours were planned.


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## FalconKing

I am not married nor do I have any kids. I love kids but I just think it would be too much to compete with for attention and affection. I am just hypothesizing all of this but:

My body doesn't change with kids and I can't birth kids so I may be somebody she feels can't understand her or sympathize with her body issues. If I have kids and I could afford it, I would like my wife/partner to be a SAHM. I just think about all that might entail, especially with smaller children. There would probably be a lot of sleepless nights and if she is home with the kids she would probably have little time for herself and just be exhausted. Maybe with kids crawling over her and cleaning poop and food messes, she may not feel particularly sexy. And at the end of day when I am in the mood she would probably just want to be left alone. Rightfully so. Also, what if she has postpartum depression. Now she is trying her best to take care of herself as well as being the best mother should could be. Of course, I would help with anything I can but It just seems a lot for a person to go through. I just can't justify asking a person to think more about me with all of this going on. And if you don't say anything it could just continue on as the norm. It just sounds like a difficult place be in a relationship.


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## unbelievable

Honestly, when I was young and dumb, I didn't give parenting much thought. Met my (then) wife and she had a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. I became husband and dad on the same day and my life instantly changed forever. I can't even remember what it was like to not be a father and I haven't regretted being "dad" one second. I've regretted their moms on several occasions but I have never wished I wasn't a father (now, a grandfather). 
Kids are just the best part of living. Can't really speak for mothers, but being a dad is a hoot. In their eyes, you are the smartest, bravest, strongest, funniest guy on earth. Of course, when their teens you get to be an idiot again for a few years. That will pass and your teens will become adults. Once again, you'll get to be the big hero. Grandkids are the best, though. It's just unlimited fun and if they get on your nerves you can hand them back to their parents. If I could go back to my twenties and have some do-overs, I'd change a few things, but being a father isn't one. If I came into a stack of money, I'd buy a ranch and foster dozens of kids. I'd rather be a dad than the CEO of the largest company, President of the United States, recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor, or a rock star with a bus load of groupies.


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