# What if infidelity happens more than once? Just another story ...



## LoneHiker (Jun 30, 2010)

I have read many threads on the internet about infidelity. Most of them only deal with the first-time discovery of infidelity and almost none with the emotions of repeated infidelity.

This is my story. I am not seeking for answers ... there are none, but I hope other people in this situation can reflect on this.

I met my wife 14 years ago when I was 19. She was my first and only love and only sexual partner I ever had. We got married 4 years ago. That is a long time, especially in that phase of your life. It was not smooth sailing. Both of us suffered of depression and I am an introvert. None the less, we "stuck" together for all these years. Two years ago I found out that she had multiple affairs with much older men (22 to 33 years older). Two of them sexual and one emotional affair (two of them married). The disbelieve, pain and shift in reality you feel is unbelievable. After that I had one suicide attempt and real difficulties coping with the explicit and intrusive images of her and the other men (I read her diaries where ALL was written down). She begged me to stay and I was not able to divorce her. We were too intertwined (not in a good way). One factor that kept me from divorcing was the age of the men she had affairs with ... obviously this was not normal and not all my fault. Now that I knew about everything, perhaps things could change? So, we tried again. But how do you do this if you know that on the day you got married she was already screwing somebody else? I should have divorced her then and saved me more pain!

Then 3 months ago I get this nagging feeling. I told her that I don't trust her and that I think she needs the excitement and attention of another man. She thought that our relationship was going well. However, all the signs were back and it turns out she was exchanging erotic letters with another man. This time he is only 8 years older. Now this changes everything, except her! Again she is begging me and promising to change if I change and become more engaged. Why is she doing this? If I am so crap that she is willing to cheat on me, why try to keep me?!

What went wrong? Well, many things went wrong. I think she has a tendency to cheat, but in a relationship with me this tendency got much more likely. As I said: I am an introvert and need time alone. She interpreted this as "not caring". However, going to somebody else is NEVER justified. I am her comfort zone and the sick thing is: she was also my comfort zone.

At this stage I am busy with the divorce. I have stopped feeling anything. I don't feel that sharp pain or anger anymore. I don't feel sad, just a dull ever present pain. I approach everything factually and nothing is allowed to reach my soul. Nothing bad and nothing good is allowed to enter, because I cannot differentiate anymore between good and bad intentions.

Never let this happen to you!! Yeah, if your spouse cheats on you, perhaps things can be fixed if you had a happy history spanning a few years before the incident. I, however, no longer believe this. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you cheat, boundaries are irreversibly crossed and both partners are "stained". This will make a next time much more likely.

Re-reading my message above I think: perhaps I did deserve to be cheated on. However, I don't think I am going down this path ever again.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is a serial cheater. You are well rid of her. Keep moving forward, working on yourself. I tend to be introverted too. My wife, just the opposite. But she is true blue. So there are trustworthy women out there.


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