# 29 Years of Marriage Gone In a Flash



## MarkInChicago (Oct 5, 2012)

As of September we had it all...2 great kids, decent sex life (so I thought)...now its nearly gone. I agreed to counceling and set it all up...but still its tough when your spouse tells you "they want space".

We have no infidelity issues, nor substance abuse or physical violence, etc. We own our own home and are both employed so you'd think we had everything.

She told me that she has 20 years of resentment built up and feels numb. No she no longer says I love you. Feel so blindsided.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Do you know why she's had 20 years of resentment building up??


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## MarkInChicago (Oct 5, 2012)

Apparently its about things that I said or did. My wife was never one to talk about her feelings and by her nature she avoids confrontation. For example, I gave her a surprise birthday party when she turned 40 and didn't invite her family because she didn't want some and others were so scattered around the country. It was stupid on my part and I apologized...but that party was 12 years ago. Stuff like that.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

After 20 years what was the catalyst that precipitated her telling you now of her desire for space? Was it some event in particular or input from another person?


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## MarkInChicago (Oct 5, 2012)

My wife recently found some approach that allowed her to lose 50 lbs. She did it for health reasons - definitely not another guy. I noticed though that while she would take care of me in bed, she wasn't interested in anything for herself...she did this for a while. I said she looked great and could ffit into her wedding dress. I said I'd love to renew our vows and she said "Once was enough". These two things sat inside of me for a day then I started to tell her I was hurt by what she said. 

After I told her that calmly, it was like her inner voice roared up and all her repressed issues rocketed to the surface and boom...felt like the game was over.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Ummmmm, no, this has nothing to do with a party from 12 years ago. She's bottling something inside. There's obviously resent, a lot more than you're presenting us with, and she just about sounds like she's ready to pop. You think you can communicate with her some more? Really see what's wrong? Youre obviously shocked at her outbursts, lack of communication maybe? Misunderstandings perhaps? Neglect? I'm kinda having a hard time putting my finger on this one :/


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> I'm kinda having a hard time putting my finger on this one :/


Not me. She lost 50 pounds. Time to party.


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## SomeDamagedGoods (Nov 11, 2012)

Weight loss, sudden resentment of spouse - this is an onset of midlife crisis on her part.

Make plenty of room, avoid arguments - they are to justify the resentment. Things are going to be rough.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I spent a 10 day vacation reading 30 books on marriage and relationships and saved a shaky marriage. What I learned is I didn't know jack. Now I handle things as they come up. It helps.


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## MarkInChicago (Oct 5, 2012)

In my case, there is ZERO infidelity on both our parts. Neither my wife nor I want any other person. The issue with us is she is going through a mid-life crisis.

1. She is 52 and has been dealing with menopause for a couple of years.
2. Our youngest (son) is being deployed to Afghanistan in Jan and she is terrified he'll be hurt.
3. Empty nest syndrome in that our two kids are grown and really don't need her.
4. I tried to always have things go my way in the past and not respect her job, focused on work more than family, etc. She built up resentment over last 20 years.

We are both in therapy. Hers for trying to figure out why she feels numb and to decide on things. Me for trying to manage my fears. We still hug with small kisses, she stiill undresses in front of me, still sleep in same bed. But she isn't ready to talk about emotions and has said "I can't give you a lifeline now". She did say "Believe in us." Everyday is a struggle.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> "Believe in us."


So Mark why don't you do just that.

Believe that everything is going to be ok. Give her the space to get her head straight.

Give her a time and place of her choosing to discuss her resentment of you and the marriage.

There are times in a long term relationship where one or both spouses get lost in the relationship or family and they lose their individual identity.

She has been known as Marks wife or Mom for so long that she no longer can see herself anymore.

EmptyNest, menopause and health issues can certainly bring this feeling on.

So stand tall.
Be the guy she married all those years ago.
That means
confident
caring
loving and most of all
respectful of her needs, identity and issues.

Communicate to her that you love her, want her, need her but understand that she has issues she needs to deal with.

Let her know that you are there for her in any way even if it is an unbiased ear for her to discuss her fears.

That respect that she needs can go a long way to calmimg her anxiety/resentment that she has shown towards you.

Stop being fearful and sieze the day for yourself.

Figure out as the head of the family you can work with your kids to help Mom's fears get cut down.

Maybe an iPad for her and the kids so she can talk to them/see them on a weekly basis.

My oldest started college this year and my wife had a meltdown with fear.

We facetime with her once or twice a week and my wifes attitude has gotten much better.

So get with it and support your wife.

And if you have your own issues to deal with then get that done and let her see and benefit from your improvements.

Good Luck!

HM64


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## SomeDamagedGoods (Nov 11, 2012)

MarkInChicago said:


> In my case, there is ZERO infidelity on both our parts. Neither my wife nor I want any other person. The issue with us is she is going through a mid-life crisis.
> 
> 1. She is 52 and has been dealing with menopause for a couple of years.
> 2. Our youngest (son) is being deployed to Afghanistan in Jan and she is terrified he'll be hurt.
> ...


Sounds like you understand the situation well, which doesn't necessarily solve the problem, but at least there's no confusion about what is happening. 

I can say from experience that she doesn't know what the future will bring because her system of guiding values has collapsed as new conflicting "realities" are emerging. Don't blame yourself, don't blame her either. This happens and from what I've read here you had a strong foundation prior and thus there is hope after all the cruel changes that come about from getting older settle in. Many come out stronger and wiser at the other end of this odyssey we call MLC.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> In my case, there is ZERO infidelity on both our parts. Neither my wife nor I want any other person.


You are talking too much for your wife. Sudden weight loss, sudden resentment just boiling over for nothing? No expression of dissatisfaction until this bad patch? You need to open you eyes and don't be afraid of what you may find. 

All that behavior is typical behavior of someone who has sights on someone other than the spouse. Suddenly spouse is such a bad person and did so much wrong that cheating is almost mandatory and justifiable. And the equivalents of the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" thing.

Dig around the dirty. You may find some skeletons. If you don't, you won't be worse off.


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

Nope, it is strained, not gone. I think that it is good that your W is venting. Think of this as an opportunity. No infidelity? Great, makes things much easier. She lost 50 lbs? Amazing - I'll have my W call your W.

Try this:

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) 

So here's the list: 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.
Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.
No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Could she be suffering from depression? 
The signs being; weight loss, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, irritability, low mood, apathy.


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## aahnaagrwal (Dec 3, 2012)

This is too long time which you spend with your wife. Now i think it is too late to get a divorce with one another.As I think this is the main time when you have a strong need of one another. Because you can not survive alone in this life.It is long long journey of life.




____________
love vashikaran


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

I have lots of friends in the same age group and several of their marriages had gone through a bit of a roller coaster ride around this age (50s), things eventually settled down and back to normal after a couple of years, some of them even talked about divorce but none did and now they're all seem to be fine. I think menopause is likely the cause as it is the only common denominator among all of these problems, I believe some women are mentally unstable while going through this biological change in their life. And if it is, then space is what they need, give them a lot of space to deal with it. The more you're trying to get into her issues, the worse it may be come. Stay away but be supportive, difficult to do but I think it would be the best thing to do at this point.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mark

When you come back here, define what you are your wife consider a "lifeline".

HM64


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