# Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere



## bobb (Feb 23, 2012)

My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

bobb said:


> My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?


Divorce her.

You don't have a wife, you have a roommate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Look a little closer and you may find that she is only suggesting that which she is doing.
A "sexless marriage", baring physical complications, (i.e. one spouse missing all limbs, is prevented from using their organs in that fashion, including lack of the ability to open one's mouth) is CLEARLY not a marriage.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

'she would do anything to save the marrige,' except seek counseling, or have sex with you??

The open marriage suggestion sounds like a cop-out. Why do you think she is treating you that way? People don't just wake up one morning and 'decide to be asexual,' like joining a cult. The whole thing sounds fishy.


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## bobb (Feb 23, 2012)

nader said:


> 'she would do anything to save the marrige,' except seek counseling, or have sex with you??.


 Yes anything except these 2 things that actually matter. 



nader said:


> The open marriage suggestion sounds like a cop-out. Why do you think she is treating you that way? People don't just wake up one morning and 'decide to be asexual,' like joining a cult. The whole thing sounds fishy.


She joined some feminist movement a few years ago, since then sex has just evaporated from our marriage, but all the other good things that we share are still here. I am 100% sure that she is not unfaithful.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Bobb what if your best friend asked you the same question about his circumstance what kind of advice would you give him ?? 
Since she is unwilling to work on the M I would start the D process myself 

Good Luck


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

"she would do anything to save the marriage"

Her actions do not match her words. Need to bump back at her on this point.

My take is she has lost her respect for you, consequently she is no longer attracted to you, but likes her life just the way it is. In Athol Kay's words, you may need to destabilize the relationship in order to get her to reset her priorities and reawaken her attraction for you. No guarantee of success, but understand that doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is the functional definition of insanity. You need to shake things up a bit... Excellent guidance can be found elsewhere on this site and at Athol Kay's site.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

bobb said:


> Yes anything except these 2 things that actually matter.
> 
> 
> 
> She joined some feminist movement a few years ago, since then sex has just evaporated from our marriage, but all the other good things that we share are still here. I am 100% sure that she is not unfaithful.


What kind of feminist movement would have their supporter cast away femeninity? This sounds more like a nunnery than a simple rights movement.

You need to man up, badly, and deem all of this to be unacceptable, if such a state truly is to you. 

You are still the other half of the marriage. You still have equal input into the marriage. It seems to me like your wife, conversely, makes decisions for the both of you.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

bobb said:


> My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?


bobb! You describe a really tough situation to be in.

The important points from your two posts so far are:

1) You are in love with your wife since the two of you got married 14 years ago.

2) You think your wife is in love with you since the two of you got married 14 years ago. You're wrong about this one.

3) The sexless marriage is making you depressed with frustration, but not making you so frustrated that you are prepared to start over fresh.

4) Your wife will do anything to save her meal ticket (that would be YOU, bobb) except have sex with you or do counseling or otherwise try to change things.

5) In addition to not caring about your physical needs, your wife doesn't-love you so much that she doesn't care if you have sex with other women.

6) You are at a loss of what, exactly, you should do in order to change things so that you get more sex with your wife.


Well. 

If you love this woman you married so much that you can't stand to be without her, buy lots of kleenex and use them for crying into or cleaning up after yourself as the need arises. And get used to the idea of life without sex with your wife.

If this notion strikes you as totally sucky and stupid, maybe you can find some inspiration at Married Man Sex Life, and I hear No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book for nice guys like yourself.

The basic problem is that I have this horrible suspicion that "manning up" is not going to work because your wife just flat out doesn't love you, care about you, or have any interest in having a sexual marriage with you. But she does appreciate you paying her bills.

The best thing you can do, IMHO, is read up on setting boundaries, then set some up with her that require sex. If that's too bold for you, set the boundary lower, at "you have to go to MC with me to work on this, and we need to be having sex X times per month by the month of Y."

If that approach is still to bold for you, go back to the part about buying kleenex and head for the store.

Good luck. You obviously have the patience to see this through. You also are the only one who can decide whether or not you are willing to live like this.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> What kind of feminist movement would have their supporter cast away femeninity?


All of them.


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## amegirl (Feb 23, 2012)

bobb said:


> During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times.


This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores. 

If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

amegirl said:


> This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.
> 
> If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.


If a woman doesn't feel that, she shouldn't be wasting a man's time and committment with marriage.

A man doesn't feel like having sex when he's doing the same, going to work, raising his kids, and household chores either, but most WOULD MAKE the time when they're DONE with that.

SPOUSES have to be patient with their SPOUSES, none of that patient and loving husband crap, please. The wife is NOT SPECIAL. Husband and wife are BOTH important.

MOST men, maybe not your husband, sign up for an EQUAL marriage, where BOTH partners take the time to initiate, feed, and nourish the marriage's sex life.

And in the case that you're the only one doing all the chores, raising the kids, etc, combined with what you said that sex is the last thing on your mind, then you have TWO strikes against you. Both are dysfunctions of your own neglect and responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility to see that you are being helped at home, and it's YOUR responsibility (along with your husband's) that your marriage has sex in it. That's not his job to uphold while it's last on your mind. 

Thankfully, my own wife is as responsible as me with making sure we are both having sex. I would never have married her otherwise... And we BOTH raise our son, and we BOTH do chores, and we BOTH get tired, but we BOTH, including HER, make sure we're screwing.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Marriage is all about doing things we don't feel like in order to keep things going. The only thing that is different about sex is that with sex you are supposed to enjoy it or at least act like you enjoy it. being ready for sex is a life skill just like riding a bike or managing finances. It's not something you should just be able to opt out of because you don't feel like it!

There's only so many times you can "not feel like" doing the dishes before the kitchen starts to be unbearable. You can put it off every now and then, but eventually it'll be a problem.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

amegirl said:


> This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.
> 
> If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.



You can`t be serious.

We have 3 kids my sex life has never suffered due to them.

I pity your doormat husband.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lesbian?


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## bobb (Feb 23, 2012)

amegirl said:


> If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.


We both work full-time and equally share all the chores and responsibilities. We're both equally stressed but we're happy to have each other and our kids. She loves me and respects me a lot but when I touch her, she immediately removes my hand. Ten years ago she would get aroused by my voice on the phone. I'm so confused.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> What kind of feminist movement would have their supporter cast away femeninity? This sounds more like a nunnery than a simple rights movement.


Like any socio-political movement, there is a very wide spectrum of ancillary thought among those that embrace the basic ideals. Not all of it is pretty.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

One of two things are going on here.

1.) bobb & amegirl are husband & wife. If so, since you now have the issue out on the table I'd suggest you address it between yourselves.

2.) bobb & amegirl are the same person making you a troll. If so, I suggest you quit waisting our time. 

Both accounts have been tagged.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> lesbian?


Thank you for saying that.

Almost every thread where a man isn`t interested in sex with his wife a couple of posters question his sexuality.

This is the first I`ve heard it about a woman.


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## pana1089 (Feb 24, 2012)

Pulling away from you and not wanting to have sex with you to the extent of suggesting you satisfy your desires with another woman suggests major rejection. You can go on pretending she loves and cares for you but action speaks louder than words. Don't kid yourself! I think you should insist on marriage counseling so you can get to the bottom of this and figure out what your wife really wants. She has already checked out of the marriage so you either need to get it fixed (counseling) or go your separate ways. You probably have experienced what happens when you disregard the symptoms of a problem with your car. It doesn't fix itself. It only gets worse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

amegirl said:


> This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.
> 
> If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.


Wow. I don't think your husband is as understanding as you think, no one gets married to NOT have sex... he just doesn't push the issue because he doesn't want to get turned down. And the OP isn't selfish.

I work full time, have two kids, take care of the home, hubs works 12 hours days 5 days a week, I just found out I have a 9 inch diameter tumor on my ovary that needs to be removed yesterday and yet....sex is still amazing.

Priorities. Sex in a marriage is a priority. Sex in marriage is part of being a good wife/husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Thank you for saying that.
> 
> Almost every thread where a man isn`t interested in sex with his wife a couple of posters question his sexuality.
> 
> This is the first I`ve heard it about a woman.


When I read the "woman's group", I thought lesbian.

It wouldn't be a surprise. MANY gay men get married and have children because it's society's 'norm'....I'm sure women do it too.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I just found out I have a 9 inch diameter tumor on my ovary that needs to be removed yesterday and yet....sex is still amazing.


That_girl, I pray that your surgery will be a success and that your recovery will be a speedy one.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Someone who's I love with you is not going to deny you your sexual needs. I'm I'm love with my husband and I can not imagine not having sex with him. I'd divorce him if he had sex with someone else. I'm sure he'd do the same for me.

I can't see this ever working out.


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Man, do I sympathize with you! I thought I was in bad shape; you make me look like I'm in high cotton, although I have my own issues! Demand marital counselling! If she continues to refuse, divorce her. I think she is lesbian because she obviously has zero hetero sex drive--at least for you. For years, my wife refused to go to counselling. Only when I gave her the MC or D choice did she go.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

amegirl said:


> This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.
> 
> If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.


1x/wk @ 20-30 minutes = 21-26 hours/yr......i.e. losing 30 minutes of sleep a week or missing a tv show...... Really asking so so much??????

Does your spouse help around the house, play with the kids do chores....... 

Yes the young children years are difficult, and can easily expect a dry spell and diminishing sex, but the OP only has 1 child and 4X in 5 years!!!!!!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> One of two things are going on here.
> 
> 1.) bobb & amegirl are husband & wife. If so, since you now have the issue out on the table I'd suggest you address it between yourselves.
> 
> ...


Holy crap, if it's number two, I will bang my head against a wall for being trolled hard. 

If it's number 1, amegirl's first impression as the wife does her very little credit.


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