# Help- so confused- do i leave or stay with this person?? Any advice would be nice!



## ESavage (Jan 23, 2010)

Ok, where do i start?? Well i have been married now for a little over a year so not too long but we dated for 4 years before we got married. We have been having a really tough time and honestly do not know if our marriage will survive much longer and i honestly do not know what to do at this point. We have financial stress, different goals, and arguments about the same issues all the time. The main issues are that i bought a condo 3-4 years ago in az where its the biggest foreclosure boom and so my place is now upside doen over 100,000. The argument with my husband is why should we keep paying for something that is not worth anything. The condo is only in my name and so my credit will be ruined at a young age if i just up and go. He knew my condo was a lot of money to begin with when we met. The second problem is that i work for a school and get free tuition benefits and he never finished his bachelors degree so he is stuck in a rut with jobs- he has the experience but not the degree. Me on the other hand has 2 bachelors and will be done w/masters next year and then after that would like to go to phd school to get a doctorate and actually have a career instead of being in dead end jobs all the time. The biggest problem here is that he said he would have never married me if he knew that i wanted to take out financial aid loan to go to doctoral school and he said he is not in his stable career to be supportive of that and of me. I feel like he is working against me and not being encouraging of my career. My friends all say that soon i will turn 30 (which is not old) and have no kids and no career and still be stuck in az with the same bs! The other problem is that i am actually feeling a lot better now but this whole year i was sick and was diagnosed with some medical problems and the whole time he tells me that im making up ailments and stuff just not to go to work when he doesnt even go to the doctors with me! The other issue is he always gets either my parents or his mom (which hates me anyway) in the realtionship by telling them about our arguments which he is not supposed to do. Another issue is everytime we have a argument over the same issues he tends to tell me he will see me in court or he is gonna get papers and leave. And last nite i guess he left and i called him at 5am and he said he will be fine and will be sleeping in his truck. I do not think this is normal at all even if someone makes you that mad. Another problem is that he lies a lot about things and makes empty promises- when we married he had promised to quit smoking and a bunch of other things- well that still has not happened and its been over a year and we have spent a lot of money on smoking aides etc. He complains about money but yet he wastes it on stupid things and things he is not following through with. He is not responsible in the fact that he forgets to pay bills, he forgets to call certain people and everything eventually falls on me- even when i had medical problems. I realy do not know if this marriage is even worth going on any longer because there are so many issues. Any advice would be appreciated because i am so confused and lost at what to do right now!! Thanks!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know you're really frustrated but to me it seems like these are things you can work through. I dont think leaving the marriage is the answer. 

Something that helped my H and I a lot was working on our boundaries together. I think at some point in every relationship the lines get skewed and couples start to become too emotionally enmeshed. 

I think you're friends are a bad influence in your marriage. If you run away from this bs you will find it again somewhere else. While its true that its important for you to find a career, have children, and feel successful, dont neglect your spiritual growth as well. Being married is extremely difficult but can help you grow as a person. 

I dont really understand why your H would think its a good idea to skip out on the condo. Definitely do not do anything that would ruin your credit. 

Try working on your boundaries for a couple years and see if things dont improve. i know that sounds like a long time but that's about how long it took my H and I to sort things out. When we first started the books things actually got worse. divorce was a frequent threat. But if you both keep working at it i really think things could improve.


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## ESavage (Jan 23, 2010)

Hi Blanca,
Thanks for the advice. The reason why he wants to leave the condo and it would ruin only my credit bc its only in my name is bc we dont have enough money to save or do things or even buy necesseties sometimes. It is a major burden and has taken a major tole on the relationship. He is still not back yet... so i have no idea where he went and i do not know if this is considered abandonment or not but i never thought a marriage would be like this! And I never thought divorce threats were normal. I do not know what to do realy all i know is that if he hands me papers then I guess I know where I stand..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you renting out your condo or are you living in it? Can you get a roommate to help pay for it if you live there? Do NOT walk away from this just because your H isn't happy. He sounds like a 10 year old. Do what YOU know is right for yourself, including college and maintaining your credit history. Don't let him drag you down into his lethargic existence. If he won't live up to yours, then you'll find better options in the real world. Sorry, but I don't see him doing anything to help the marriage, or YOU. Just having a man around isn't reason enough to lower your standards. That said, make sure you are being a good wife - not ignoring him, etc., so that he doesn't have a valid reason to balk.


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## ESavage (Jan 23, 2010)

Tumera,
I own my condo... we have only a 1 bedroom so no room to rent it and if we rent it out to someone else we have to pay 700 more for them as wel because its upside down so much. My H just says oh well u made a big mistake buying this .. blah blah blah.. and well we all didnt know the economy and real estate market was gonna go to pot. I am not sure what to do about this, I feel that he is not really supportive..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you doing to improve your work situation, i.e. earn more money?


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