# Impefect husband to a Perfectionist wife



## monkeypants

It seems from my brief trolling around on the boards that I am not the only person that is feeling the way I do.

I've been married to a wonderful lady, for 1 week short of 2 years but I'm getting very tired, and very fed up.

You see, my wife is a perfectionist. She needs/wants/etc everything in the home to be perfect. Everything has to be put away ALL of the time. 

I am not a neat freak, but I like things tidy. I may leave a few things out from time to time but I don't leave things a horrible mess. Try as I may, no matter how hard I work at it, I can never reach her level of expectation, and am forever being discouraged. 

When we moved in together almost 3 years ago, it started out that I was able to have a small space that was mine, that I could keep in whatever way I wanted. That quickly shrunk to a shelf, and now I'm stuck with my office desk (which even that is too much to ask for)

If i leave anything out, I find nice piles of things I've left out, even if I've just placed it down for 30 seconds while I rush off to do something else she's asked of me.

But wait. There's more.

When she wants something done, It's the "Drop whatever You are doing and help me now". I could be in the middle of something requiring my full attention, but I have to drop it and rush off for every "Uh-Oh' that she utters.

I feel that she is also very VERY needy. When we first met, she was very independant, and prided herself on the things she was doing, but now, it feels like she's incapable of doing anything unless I'm present, and helping, but is constantly nagging me because I cant live up to the expectations presented.

I have ADHD which doesnt help the matter any. I've got a very short attention span and have been tested. I can rarely keep more then 2-3 instructions in my short term memory at any time. But the honey-do list is constantly changing, updating etc. Half of the reason I ;eave things out, is because I'm called away, and then forget what the last things i was working on was. 

AND IF YOU ACT NOW..... We'll double the offer....

The Double standard also Kills me. I've always tried to live by the Golden rule. Forwards and backwards. If you treat someone someway, you should be able to expect the same in return. Why is it then when she requires something she needs it now, but when I require something, I have to wait for her to decide that it's time. 



I'm so tired. Phsyically, mentally and emotionally. I love this woman so much but I'm to the point where I'm seriously considering just walking away. I don't know how to express things to her clearly, she doesn't seem to listen to anything I ask for. I can't communicate in "womanease". 
All I want is equal consideration. I want some attention, some admiration, some respect. I want to feel wanted and needed, but I don't want to be NEEDED for everything.


We've been trying for several months to get pregnant. And we've given it a good try up until a couple months ago. The sex isn't really my problem here, its the force behind it. There's no real caring or intimacy about it. It's all mechanical "Make baby time". And with all the other stuff I've mentioned, I frankly don't care to spend the time or energy on it. My interest is waning, again making things worse.

I've suggested councelling, but been told that *I* have to fix things. That she wont go to it.

Well Geepers. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and frankly, I'm tired of being the only one to change.

The worst thing is, all the things about her that REALLY irritate me are also the things that I adore the most. 


I don't know what advise I'm asking for, but I'd LOVE to figure out how to improve things, make things work.


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## voivod

question: before you came along, how did stuff get done in her world?


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## monkeypants

voivod said:


> question: before you came along, how did stuff get done in her world?


That's a question I ask myself regularly. Hell I've asked her that before, but I've never really gotton a response.


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## voivod

monkeypants said:


> That's a question I ask myself regularly. Hell I've asked her that before, but I've never really gotton a response.


stop doing stuff and find out...

oh, btw...i can hear your wife sneaking up behind you...telling you that you spelled imperfect wrong in the title of your thread i'm playing buddy..smile!


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## monkeypants

voivod said:


> stop doing stuff and find out...


A guilt trip is likely to follow should i decide to stop doing anything.

Im not good at doing nothing. I need to be doing something.

She's told me that she feels loney, that I ignore her. Well I ignore her because all I ever hear is all the things I haven't done right. I'm not appreciated, I'm not cared for, why the hell would I want to get MORE of that?

I hate feeling like this, I hate being up at 2am just trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing, if I've made the right choice, If i should stay/go/whatever. Neither of us seem to be able to communicate. Always things get bottled up till they explode.

I know that I'm not happy right now. I'd like to think that I can be happy again, but I know that it's a two way street, and I'd love to see some roadwork happening on the OTHER side too....

I really got to go to bed. I've got a long day of who-knows-what tommorow. Canada day (July 1st) is a big day for her. Her father died on canada day when she was 10 or 11. So, the big fight we had this morning, was BAD TIMING. not to mention our 2nd anniversary next week. *sigh*


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## JDPreacher

Great, she has OCD, you have ADHD and you can't spell...sounds like a match made in...um, in...well...nowhere in all things good and honest.

Not seeing the relationship working out here...polar opposites that aren't going to match up no matter how hard you try.

Make an exit plan...

Preacher


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## MarkTwain

monkeypants said:


> We've been trying for several months to get pregnant. And we've given it a good try up until a couple months ago. The sex isn't really my problem here, its the force behind it. There's no real caring or intimacy about it. It's all mechanical "Make baby time". And with all the other stuff I've mentioned, I frankly don't care to spend the time or energy on it. My interest is waning, again making things worse.


I think you have encapsulated the problem totally in the above. Once the baby arrives, she will not want sex at all, and her nagging will go into overdrive.

Stop all the self defeating labels. ADHD people are fun. OK, it's harder to take when they are at the far end of the spectrum but you sound totally cool to me.

My advice: Paddle your own canoe and if she doesn't want to come along for the ride, drop her off before you make any babies. It's just possible that if she feels you pulling away, and doing your own thing, she may try a little harder. Maybe. If not, let her go.

TRAP TRAP TRAP.


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## Mommybean

QUIT trying to get pregnant. Try to figure out if you can work it out for the long haul before you drag a child into it. Trust me, the addition of a child, while a wonderful experience, will only place more stress on your realtionship if you are not on the same page.


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## preso

JDPreacher said:


> Great, she has OCD, you have ADHD and you can't spell...sounds like a match made in...um, in...well...nowhere in all things good and honest.
> 
> Not seeing the relationship working out here...polar opposites that aren't going to match up no matter how hard you try.
> 
> Make an exit plan...
> 
> Preacher




:iagree:


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## dcrim

This is just sooo wrong...why did you two get together? Why marry her? DO NOT!!!!!! have a baby!!!!

GET OUT!!!!! Do NOT drop things when she wants you to do something! 

Leave it to her to "fix" it.Do NOT be her doormat! Her slave. 

aarrgghh...I'd have told her off a long time ago...


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## revitalizedhusband

Step 1-STOP TRYING TO HAVE A BABY! It will only make your bad relationship worse. Children can be a great thing, but they also put strains on even the best marriages, a child would finish off your marraige and "trap" you with that woman in one fashion or another for 18 years.

Step 2-Have, what I like to call, a "balls out" talk with her. Tell her that this crap is going to change or you are leaving, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If she wants this marriage to work she has to stop that "crap".

Step 3-If she doesn't change, get out a Dodge.


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## swedish

I think your biggest issue is convincing her how imperfect being perfect really is. 

I also like my house neat and clean, everything in its place but after three kids, working full-time, etc. I would much rather spend the few hours of free time with the kids having some fun than barking orders to them to put their things away, clean their rooms, etc. Sometimes my kids will move a vase over a few inches and when I come into the room I notice and move it back...and then I hear the giggles 

I'm not suggesting having kids will help your situation, but for me that is what made me adjust my way of thinking. And wanting people to feel comfortable in my home...not like they are in a museum. I would definitely see if she can adjust her expectations before having children...if she will not, it will only get worse once babies come along.

Saying you want her to lighten up with the house stuff probably will not work because in her mind it is settling for less and will make her feel uncomfortable, unsettled to leave things in disarray. It might be better to approach it from a couples exercise...make some sort of quiz you can both take and review your answers....

Rank in order of importance (most to least):

clean house
having fun together
happy spouse
intimacy

or some type of spring board for a good discussion. If being happy and intimacy scores high for you both, you at least can begin some discussion there about how to compromise...you already acknowledge you are both very different...her more OCD you more ADHD and if you understand that about one another and try to work with it rather than against it, I don't think all is lost.

To me, the only real issue is that she is currently unwilling to compromise and if you can get her to see things from your angle and that you are having serious concerns about your marriage, having children maybe she will plug in.


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## elattoo

Wow...it amazes me that with almost all of the advice given here, only one or two actually attempt to provide suggestions to fix the marriage. Personally, suggesting he give an ultimatum to his wife, whom he loves, does nothing to repair a marriage that is completely fixable.

Let me say...there is hope to save your marriage. I have totally been where you are, saying the same things, shaking my head, and wondering if it were possible to avoid this train wreck.

The problem as I see it, isn't with you guys finding a compromise or coming to some kind of understanding together, even though that would be nice. The problem is with your definition of marriage and your definition of love. I struggled through this for 8 years, and then finally learned it by passing through the fires of difficulty. Love, particularly in a marriage covenant, is not the feely good affection you feel when you first get married. The love required to keep a marriage together is a love that requires you to lose your 'self' and give up that part of you that attempts to claim rights or make demands on her. The Bible refers to this as "dying to yourself". That does not mean you quit watching sports and only do what she wants to do. But it does mean serving her, and many times that will not be convenient for you as you have mentioned. It means that you put her first, ahead of yourself. If you do this, however, she will respond. It may not happen right away, and it won't happen if you are just faking it in hopes to get her to reciprocate. You have to do it daily, hourly, and do it without expecting anything from her. You would be doing it for the sole purpose of how much you love her and want to fix your marriage. 

My belief is that the husband should be the leader in the relationship, based on Biblical principles that I won't go into now. You should rise to the occasion and "show yourself a man". You be the one to lead the two of you back to a healthy marriage. I won't say it's easy or quick. I can say however, that my marriage is better now (13 yrs) than it ever has been. We have learned the secret of true selfless love, although there is always more to learn and improve upon.

I could say more, but want to keep this readable. I wish you the best in your situation and pray that you are able to find peace with her. Would love to hear more from you or talk further. Use the occasion of your anniversary to begin changing things. A great movie on the topic is "Fireproof".

-Kevin


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## TabbyCat

That's a tough one. Maybe you should just nicely sit her down and seriously talk to her about all these feelings. Let her know that you're on the same side she is. (Sometimes my husband says that, and it really hits a tender nerve inside of me. It softens things and shows me he does love me.)

I'm a big fan of Dr Laura. She has a web site. I think, DrLaura dot com. A start could be looking at some of the questions posted there. She also writes a lot of really good books. One example is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". She suggests to the husband that he read it and then give it to his wife to read. Sometimes the women won't read it until they are faced with losing their marriage.

I read it before I got married, and it works!

I hope things get better for the two of you.


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## Sandy55

Before I had kids I was much like your wife. I learned you can't keep up with 2-3 kids' messes; I wore myself out.

The "drop everything now" was also an issue with me and my dh.

I am always the one doing something. He was always the one sitting on his butt doing NOTHING. I would be WORKING on say, cleaning out a closet and something would fall down on my head, I'd be standing there yelling "I need some help, come help me!" and HE would not even get up, or would get up and then berate me about my interrupting him! Or one of the kids needed to be "caught" or watched while I cooked and cleaned and he'd just SIT.

SO - he would always accuse me of making him "drop everything now" . I just quit asking and accepted he is just lazy.

BUT, if people leave crap sitting around (I do it too...and get mad at myself at times, as I too am a bit ADHD, I KNOW the feeling when you say: tell me more than two lines of instructions and I've lost the first one when I hear the third one....) I WILL pile it up and sit it on his dresser, as he spreads crap all over the kitchen counter like an amoeba! It is AWFUL! The counter is 4.5 x 6', and why it has to be covered from stem to stern, I have no clue.

BUT, I don't think you should give up...opposites often learn to complement each other. Then on the other hand, IF she is like my SISTER - run away! You cannot put a coffee cup down to go pee and come back and it's not gone. Very disturbing! She is clean CRAZY, horribly OCD when it comes to clutter.

It is a LEARNED behavior, and can be unlearned, so hang in there and work with it, put some HUMOR into it. You seem to love her a lot, work it out.

Marriage isn't for the weak and non-creative.


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## elattoo

Nice post, Sandy. Totally agree. You should view each annoyance in the grand scheme of life. Yes, issues come up and we annoy each other, but view it through the lense of how big a deal is this really, and can I live with it? Not to say your husband shouldn't get off his ars and help...let me at him!  However, often times we can bring the tension and bitterness down a lot just by showing love and kindness in return.


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## NothingMan

Monkeypants!


I dont know who you are...but you married my wife. Now we do paper rock scissors to see who gets to keep her.

Hehe..dude, you sound like me. I've had this same thing going over and over in my mind for the past 5 years. I've gotten good at jumping through hoops. I've gotten good and cleaning the house, and building fences and finishing basements and cooking dinner. I've gotten good at being a father, a real 100% full time father who aspires to be great at it. I've gotten much better at being clean and keeping things clean.

let me ask you, does she ever go away for a couple days in a row? Like to visit friends or family? If she does, how many hours do you invest in cleaning the house before she gets home so she doesnt flip out over the "mess"? I usually put aside a solid 6 hours of general cleaning, of course, depending on how long she's been gone for and how often i've tried to keep ahead on the cleaning.

My point is this, you are not alone. Im not alone. That doesnt make it ok to be treated like we are. But it's not grounds to end a marriage either. Some of us have this lot in life, to love a woman who takes us for granted. We have two beautiful children now, one is 6 weeks and one is 2.5 years. I love them both dearly. 

My only fear is that some day they might grow up and see me for who I have become. A well kept cook/maid/childcare worker. God willing, they'll forgive me for breaking and becoming what she thinks she wants in a man.

Just remember, your not alone.


John


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## Mommybean

Nothingman, 
Why do you feel the need to refer to yourself as a "childcare worker" when the kids are YOURS and HERS? Parenting is mutual...I do not and will NEVER buy into that "my husband is babysitting our kids" crap....you cannot babysit that which is YOURS by nature.


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## elattoo

Good point, Mommybean. More husbands/fathers, need to lead in that area, not just get involved when asked. I get the feeling Nothingman here though wasn't complaining about it, but saying that he does his part, more than the stereotypical guy.


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## NothingMan

Mommybean said:


> Nothingman,
> Why do you feel the need to refer to yourself as a "childcare worker" when the kids are YOURS and HERS? Parenting is mutual...I do not and will NEVER buy into that "my husband is babysitting our kids" crap....you cannot babysit that which is YOURS by nature.


Let me try to explain what I meant a little better. Sometimes words can lose their meaning.

I never consider my time with my boys to be babysitting. ever. In fact, its the most enjoyable part of my life. What I was trying to get across is at some point you feel less like a husband and more like an employee.

If you did those things I listed but never received any emotional response from your spouse how would you feel? Now try it over the course of years. At some point in time you no longer have an emotional attachment to the mother of your children and you turn into what amounts to an employee of the family.

Hope that clears it up.


John


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## okeydokie

i have an interesting twist on this story, a wife who is messy as hell but expects everyone else to be neat. and she cannot help it and wont get help for it. i'm sure its my fault though


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## Chopblock

I empathize with you completely! My partner is the same way!!!!!!

I think there is hope though. Lets look at a few things you've said.

---I've always tried to live by the Golden rule. Forwards and backwards.---

You are using the wrong golden rule. The CORRECT one is: the one with the gold, creates the rules. If you make most of the money, you make most of the rules.

---A guilt trip is likely to follow should i decide to stop doing anything.---

Funny thing about guilt, it doesn't work on the guiltless.

What the hell do you have to feel guilty about? The only reason she can guilt you is because YOU have CONVINCED YOURSELF that YOU have any fault in this.

SHE is the messed up one. Next time she tries to guilt you, read what you've written on this thread. The only thing you are guilty of is not giving her the proverbial kick in the tail she deserves.

---Well I ignore her because all I ever hear is all the things I haven't done right. I'm not appreciated, I'm not cared for, why the hell would I want to get MORE of that?---

This could go either way.

I do know ONE woman personally whose husband told her he felt the way you feel, and she actually IMPROVED! She said she had no idea she made him feel so bad, and she really worked on emphasizing good stuff from then on.

So yeah, there may be a chance, however slim, she just doesn't know. If she just doesn't care though, you are in a bad place.

---It's all mechanical "Make baby time".---

This is normal to a point, but the other stuff you've said is definitely bad.

One of my friends and his wife are expecting now. His wife is cool, and caring, but he did joke that when she wanted to get pregnant, it was exactly like you described. He said for a while, he was kind of afraid that once he "did his part", he would be cast aside.

---But it does mean serving her, and many times that will not be convenient for you as you have mentioned. It means that you put her first, ahead of yourself. If you do this, however, she will respond. It may not happen right away, and it won't happen if you are just faking it in hopes to get her to reciprocate. You have to do it daily, hourly, and do it without expecting anything from her.---

While all that sounds GREAT on paper, it only works if the other partner works at it too. Great marriages involve people who BOTH give 60% and take 40%. Too many men are in bad situations because they gave and gave and gave to a woman who only knows how to take.

There is a reason people here have bitter advice -- it is because they made the same mistakes and want others to avoid it.

Seriously, do not get her pregnant until this is fixed. There are so many details to take care of when a baby comes along. While on the one hand, her perfectionism could be an asset, it can also be an extreme liability. If she can't harness it for good, she will only make all 3 of you miserable.

I agree 100% also with the fact that in her mind, compromise just means "settling for less". My gf is like that in SOME (not all) areas. It is sad, but it is something you ahve to deal with. In her mind, any slight deviation from what she wants, and you might as well not bother in the first place.

The "balls out" conversation is the way to go. Once you start valuing yourself, she'll be forced to do the same. Reconnect with your friends, get your own interests, and if she wants to have the house in tip top shape, in the way she wants it, at the time she wants it, by the methods she wants it, for the reasons she wants it, in exactly the fashion that only she herself can do it.... well let HER do it.


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## corplhicks

Hi. New here. Couldn't help and read this after yet another trifle this morning with my spouse...

Man, it is so ironic how our stories work out. Same thing here, sans baby making--we already took care of that part. We just celebrated our one year anniversary bickering. I love my wife with all I have, but I'm ready to run away as fast as I can. But I can never leave my son.

The other difference is that my wife is needy and OCD, but she does nothing around the house and usually tosses the baby to me so she can go smoke a cigarette while reading a book. I work out of the home and am on the verge of being fired because my productivity is low due to her constant requests to change, feed, whatever the baby. "Helpless" is the best word I can think of. There are days I want to scream that word right at her, letting her know she would be a lost cause without me. She never cleans house or takes care of her responsibilities when she gets a break, claiming she needs "rest." That would be fine if I was at the office all day, but half of my 40-hour week is taking care of my son.

The hardest part here is that we both have balls the size of South Africa. If we get into it, we f**king get into it, ready to slam each other against the wall. And we're stubborn. But when we do calmly talk about it, she forgets what I'm saying a few weeks later and just switches back to old habits.

It is frustrating, my friend. I feel like I have my own personal hell that I'm locked into. I'm an ambitious, determined, life-loving person who has a thousand hobbies and interests, and that has all faded in trade for...well, THIS. The thought leaves me with a sick stomach. I have no advice for you at this time, since things are getting worse over here, but I can say this: do NOT have a baby. It is a stupid idea that will only tread on you and lead to a broken family. The best time to have a baby is when you both are sure of each other personalities, and now I understand that can take a good ten years. It's great to have kids...but the way they zap your independence, sexual intimacy, free time, ambitious endeavors, and sleep in general is not healthy for the man who wishes he could live life a bit more.


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## elattoo

corplhicks: 

I’m reading this shaking my head wondering how to respond. You say “I love my wife with all I have”, and then spend the next three paragraphs running down the list of all the reasons why you really love yourself and can’t stand your wife. Why did you get married? It seems like you are too into you to be committed to anyone else, and you should have considered that before entering into a covenant as serious as marriage – where two people become one person.

I’m going to just talk plainly, and you can take or leave my advice. I know it will most likely offend you or at least provide a good laugh. Save the grace of God, there is no hope for your marriage. How can a marriage work when one partner is totally living for himself? My advice? Pray right now that God will remove the blinders from your eyes and give you a spirit of humility. Is being independent and living for yourself really all it’s cracked up to be? Think in an eternal perspective, what is all this “ambition” and “freedom” going to get you? You will never be satisfied and will live your life always searching and seeking, creating a wake of destruction in your path. One day, you will wake up at an old age and wonder what it was all for and if there is any real purpose in life. Consider the joy of loving and serving others…selflessly.

Best of luck to you…


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## corplhicks

Well said, elattoo. I have no argument here. It's a frustrating ordeal that I'm dealing with every day, trying to cross over into that realm of complete sacrifice for my wife and child. Attitude must match up with action.

I wouldn't say, however, that I am "in love with myself." I'm just very confident. God has given me a great life, and does a great work in me. My fault lies within the fact that I feel my confidence is threatened by the "distractions (for lack of a better word)" at home. Like I said, I'm continually learning how to leave the old life and embrace the new.

We both married in our late 20s, so we've had our chance of total freedom from interpersonal responsibility. There's so much we want to do and see, which was possible then, but it all remains as distant endeavors now. So we become frustrated. My wife is loved because i actively love her, albeit I have those scattered moments where I don't feel happy or satisfied. Then I wake myself up and realize my job is to bring her happiness every day. That brings me joy.

I can't dismiss her faults, however. I told her flat out last night that she nitpicks. Thankfully, it turned into an interesting conversation which made me understand her more. No punches thrown. That's the way I like it. But it's rare. I still wish she would do more around the house and feel more confident with her son (after all, the love is surely there). I also wish she would be less uptight and anxious over small things.

But I suppose you can put a wish in one hand and take a sh|t in the other, and only one of those will be there in the end. My contentment is dependent on when my attitude toward the matter of a selfless marriage will adjust. Until then, it's going to be a heady battle in my head. I am confident, however, that we will last until the end of time.


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## elattoo

corplhicks - 

It sounds like you have thought through it more than I gave you credit for. I'm sorry if I was too assuming or harsh. I agree that this is not an easy process to undertake. As they say, old habits die hard. What makes it harder is that our spouse has to work through their own issues, and neither of us are perfect by any stretch.

I also work out of the home, so I've experienced what you're talking about...at least to an extent. It definitely took some time for us to define what works for us, and sometimes that means closing my door or putting on headphones. More importantly though is figuring out how to talk things through and come up with a workable plan.

Hang in there. If and when the two of you are able to work through this together, you will definitely come out stronger on the other side. A great book on the subject is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

Cheers...


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