# Am I Just Stupid, Wasting My Time?? Should I leave???



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Hi, I'm new here, and pretty much the only way I see myself getting advice is if I do this online. Unfortunately my sorry seems long, but I want to make are I give you everything so that I can get honest, open, and clear advice. 

Before I start tho, I want to say that I'm starting to feel like this is all my fault, I'm doing this to myself. I'm looking for both women and men to help me figure this out because I honestly feel like giving up, willing to start over with absolutely nothing! 

* My story:*

I am 31 (32 in Aug.), and my DH is 39 (40 in May), we have been married for 16 months/together for 3 years, and for the most part get along great. We have a lot in common, and are both pretty laid back. I have a SD 17 who I also get along with, but over the past few months I'm starting to not want to be around her. 

My problem is with everything right now; marriage, SD, myself. I feel like all of my problems including those with my SD are my fault. I cannot find a job where we live and that is putting everything on hold like having a baby, buying a house, buying a car.

I pretty much gave up my business when I moved to be with my DH. We live in a small town where most of the interviews I go on I'm told I'm over qualified, or I just don't get a call, or will have to go back to school to work for the state.

I'm not working (well I am part-time and volunteering) and feel like I'm just not going to progress here, but we can’t move because of my SD. 
*
My DH Problem:*

Although I made it my business not to date a man with I child all my life, I met, feel in love and married my husband. We all get a long but 1. I feel like I'm never going to have the family I always wanted although he says he wants too. 2. I don't know if I can deal with the constant fight for his attention because SD wants to be number one. It feels like she is in competition with me and wants to be his wife or woman of the house. 3. He wants to wait to have kids until she is almost out and I feel like that once she goes to college he is not going to want too. 4. I hate doing family things with them because all I can think about is starting my own family. I end up feeling excluded and alone.

I'm just starting to feel like I'm wanting him to live a life that he really doesn't want. We do a lot just him and me, vacations, nights out, etc. And it seems like since SD is almost gone he now has a life. I'm torn as to if I should wait to see if we get to start our happily ever after, or if I'm wasting my time.

I did not want to start working on kids until I was 32. I have never wanted to be in an uncomfortable situation when starting my family, I want a house, baby's own room, etc. I have had two jobs since living here, and currently working part time, but looking for a more permanent job (which is very hard). We own a duplex which we live on one side with 2 bedrooms/one bath, very low bills to save money to buy a house. No credit at the moment (working on it), but we do have cash.

He has a very good job (billable), 10,000 a month. When we spoke last night he was upset thinking that I wanted to get a divorce when all he wants is for me to have a steady job, whether it be my business again or something else (I used to make very close to 100k before i moved here, now nothing. and that's all he talks about. About how i have the potential to make more then him, and at the very least he makes about 120k a year with bonuses). He said he hates that if I don't even want to start trying until I'm 32 (8 months from now), I'm giving up and making him feel bad when he really does want a family, and he's ready, but just wants me to also be working, even if just a 40k – 60K a year job. He did say that it will also be easier when SD is out of the house because of all she is going through, and he feels bad because of how her mom treats her (BM has another girl, and married for 9 years now, and throws it in her face a lot).

I don't know if I'm just panicking and causing myself problems, I have trust issues, or what????

I know what I want, and marriage is about trust, but when I watch how stressed my SD makes my DH, the guilt I see him feeling, I just feel like he is forever going to try and make her feel as if she is number one, making it hard for us to move forward. Although he is turning 40 in May, and most of his friends are too - they are just trying for babies, or have really small ones 1/2/3/4 yo. He knows that not have kids it is a deal breaker for me, and that 32 is really when I want to start, but I just feel like I don’t trust that we will.

I breakdown a few times a year, and he says he hates when I breakdown because I’m not really giving us a chance to be married, be husband and wife first, and then have babies with a good history behind us. He does not want what happened with SD to happen to any other kids, it was hard from him to watch her mom treat her like S*&%$.

There is a real possibility that I will not make more than $20hr here. And as I told him yesterday, I’m just lost to why I’m waiting to find a job before having kids to just turn around to take time off to have the baby??? I want to work, and I get that I can be making money leading up to the time I give birth, but I’m also doing nothing right now, I am pretty much a HW! 
I also feel like we are not working on being One Unit, but focused on each person separately. I have never been one to compare myself, life, wants, needs, to others, but when I look at his friends and family, and even co-workers, everyone seems like a family unit. They talk about their kids, baby plans, everything. Wives work part-time, and husbands are happy with that and the fact that they have their 3 kid families. My DH just puts down how they have to ask their wives for permission, or have kid duty, or are stay at home dads, etc. It makes me feel like a family is not what he wants, or that what he has now; as pretty wife, and a kid almost out is good for him????

I feel like I am just too damn nice, and that those women have their families because their husbands treat their homes like one unit. By nature I am not a B*&^%. I do not like to nag or have someone nagging me. I don’t like to cry, and argue all the time, because I feel it makes me weak, but I’m just not getting him. 

*
My SD Problem:*

My step daughter is in therapy because of the way her mother treats her and talks bad about her dad. (I have no interaction with the BM because I told them it's not my drama to deal with, and I won’t).

When she comes back from her mom’s, my house becomes tense; my DH wants to just do nothing because he becomes stressed, and I feel like I’m battling with another women so I do my own thing. She is 17 yo, and she and I are sharing a car because she gave the one her mom gave her back because she doesn't want her mom to have control over her. She and I are annoyed with each other over the car, and she feels that her dad bought the car for her in the first place. When my DH bought the car we asked her if she was taking the one her mom gave her, and if so I was getting that one - it did not make since to go by two cars if she was taking her moms. She gave back the car without telling us while my DH and I was on vaca.
I am nice to her because she is truly a good girl, but she has no respect. She thinks she is still the woman of the house, but I told them both that that changed the minute he got married. She comes and goes from our home as she pleases, but has to announce herself before going to her mom’s. My husband and I have no alone time, and cant plan for it because it’s her house and she can do want she wants. 

I feel like I'm living with two adult people who I must clean after, when I don't feel I should be cleaning after her. I cannot use chemicals to clean so that's her job, but she never does it (she will bath in a dirty tub! I will go to the gym), not until my DH has to really blow up and then I feel bad because he works so hard, and she does not act like this at her mothers. 

She wants to know all of our business; how much money we have/make, why we go on vaca and out so much, why am I his beneficiary, etc. I feel like I can’t have an adult/private conversation with my DH because she needs to know too. 
When it’s just my DH and I, we are so happy, talking about the upcoming months, trips, and yes sometimes planning for baby, etc. but when SD comes home, that happy feeling goes away. Then I'm back to thinking about what am doing here, how I'm not working, not growing, not progressing, not succeeding.

I'm starting to hate myself because I feel like me not working is what’s causing all of this craziness. My husband is very supportive, tries to tell me to be positive, but I just don't know how right now, because he is a part of the problem as a whole. 
I just don't know how to handle all of this. I will be 32 this summer and I just feel like I'm never going to have the life I want for myself. I feel stuck where I live, no growth potential. My SDs mom is doing great (she doesn't work, her husband makes about 200k a year, but does not help with SD). We have all of the responsibility financially of SD. My husband is stressed a lot, and has a heart condition that he has to monitor (never had a problem, but we think about it more that he is turning 40).

I just feel like giving up, but I really don't want to!


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

shouldigo said:


> I'm starting to hate myself because I feel like me not working is what’s causing all of this craziness. My husband is very supportive, tries to tell me to be positive, but I just don't know how right now, because he is a part of the problem as a whole.
> I just don't know how to handle all of this. I will be 32 this summer and I just feel like I'm never going to have the life I want for myself. I feel stuck where I live, no growth potential. My SDs mom is doing great (she doesn't work, her husband makes about 200k a year, but does not help with SD). We have all of the responsibility financially of SD. My husband is stressed a lot, and has a heart condition that he has to monitor (never had a problem, but we think about it more that he is turning 40).
> 
> I just feel like giving up, but I really don't want to!


You are ongoing 32 years of age and your husband at 40. You have a stepdaughter living with you at 17 years of age. You are unemployed for many years and still looking for a job. You want a baby with all the trappings. You want a house. Your husband has a variable job that pays from $3,000.00 to $10,000.00 a month. You are financially responsible for your stepdaughter. You resent your stepdaughter. Your husband has a heart condition.

You need to come down to reality. You are 32 years of age. We are in a tough economic condition globally. My college students who are 21-22 years of age (single) with work experience and internships are having a tough job landing a job. Many will work for $10.00 an hour just to pay for student loans and living with Mom and Dad. This is tough competition for you.

You are hoping that your stepdaughter will leave home and go to college. What makes you think that she is college material. She is in therapy. How can she survive a competitive and tough college environment? I believe that she'll be with you for a long time.

You want a baby and you believe that your husband wants the same thing. Are you sure? You mentioned that he is stressed. Also, you are envious of his ex-wife, not having to work and having a husband who earns $200,000.00 a year. You feel that you are entitled to stay at home and have a high earning spouse to support you. This is not your present scenario.

Your husband has a heart condition. What makes you think that he will grow old with you and not pass away before your child would be of age to leave home. Your chances of being a single mother is a reality. You need to assess which ones are your needs and your wants.

The reality is that you need to be employed to be able to support yourself and a child. You might have to support an ailing husband as well. If you give up, that means that you'll need to find a man who wants a baby and can support a stay-at-home Mom.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Hi Roselyn, 

Sorry no, let me clear somethings up. DH makes 10k a month and always has, but there is a chance that one day claims can stop coming in and only make 3k a month, but unlikely. he is number one in his company and has been for 2 years. We are ok with money, my part-time job brings in 3k a month and i work 15hrs a week. The thing is I used to make very close to 100k before i moved here, not nothing. and thats all he talks about. About how i have the potential to make more then him, and at the very least he makes about 120k a year with bonuses.

I really do want to work, I do not want to stay home. But im home. there are no jobs here. I have applied to 23 positions this week alone, with a degree, and national press and accolades. 
I moved from NYC to a small town. 

DH has a heart conditions that runs in the family but never had a problem. I just worry because I see how stressed he gets and I worry that one day it can be a problem. 

I am not envy of the BM, but mad that she actually said SD was our responsibility and her husband should not take care of another mans kid, but shes her's.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I have a friend who is in a similar situation as you, but without children. Her husband made a great deal of money before they married, but his scoliosis condition worsened and was forced to take disability. 

My friend's husband has a daughter who is an actress in NYC. She has not broken into the big leagues. They have been supporting her for about 20 years! My friend works in social services. She cannot quit as their insurances are covered in her job. In addition, they are still paying the bills of her stepdaughter. She chosed to stay in her marriage as she loves her husband. Her reality is that she won't be able to afford an extra mouth to feed. Therefore, no children for her.

She is a good friend and I admire her courage. Her choices are not for me, though.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm not sure why you got married to your husband. You should have married someone younger with no children who wants children right away. You don't have a lot of time to try for a baby especially is you want more than one child. Your SD is always going to be the number one person in your husbands life and she should be. She is probably resentful of the time he spends with you. Children is the main reason second marriages end in divorce. You knew about her and her and her behavior before you got married and suddenly its a problem?

Don't bring a baby into this situation if you are thinking about divorce and don't assume things will be great when SD moves out. She will always be around. It sounds like she is troubled and may not be able to be on her own for a while. 

I wouldn't worry so much about getting a job that pays great money unless you are thinking of being on your own, until then your husband is working so he can support you. You have to decide if you want to stay in this marriage, if you waste years waiting for the situation to get better or for SD to move out it may be too late for you to become a Mom.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I get what your saying. I just feel stuck here. I love my husband, for the most part we are great. I doubt that it would be hard for me to remarry if that was to happen but I dont have that. 

Im at a hard place because my husband keeps staying that he wants more kids, but would like me to be working. I have had two jobs since living here 2 1/2 years now, but it's retail which DH dose not want me to do, or admin for mom and pops which never last.

Im fighting with myself because I am known to run way when things dont go my way from the start vs. working through it. But I dont know if working through this will lead to what I want.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Happily25- things changed after we got married. she no longer wanted a schedule of the two homes and doesn't get along with her mother so is now with us full time. 

I have always dated men 30-40 but they did have kids. 

and she was not always like this.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your husband is not making sense. if he wants you to have children then you shouldn't be working, you should be home with your baby. Why have a baby if you are going to him/her in daycare? Can't he support your family? I understand that your situation with your SD had changed from when you first got married but that is the situation it is now and you have to accept it or move on.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately, you need to put a priority in yourself now. The reality of your husband's situation is he lets his daughter dictate his life. She either needs therapy, or her father will end up lonely once his daughter moves on , and does not need him anymore. By that time, he might not have a wife.

It takes more than love to make a relationship work. Your life has to be somewhat in sync. The reality is that is not what is happening. The fact is your career is going nowhere in the location you are at. You have an sd in the middle of your relationship, and it sounds like it would take years for you to even get a chance of having a child with him. Love does not conquer all.

You have to dismiss your feelings and look at the reality of your situation. Could you be happy and content living like this. Life, people, and circumstance change, and people simply are no longer compatible, though it may be different in the beginning. Life may simply alter both your courses. Only you can figure how much you are willing to sacrifice to make it work. Also, it depends on him willing to sacrifice too. You would not be wrong for leaving or trying, things just did not work out when it came to it.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

You know once you hit 35 it is harder to get pregnant, birth defects go up and so do your chances of miscarriage. Also older men are more likely to produce children with mental problems especially if they are boys.

Not saying this will happen but throwing it out there for you to think about.


----------



## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

I'll start with the number one thing: Your husband is *not* responsible for your happiness. From what you've written, you were expecting a fairy tale of sorts: a great provider focused on you and you alone, a great house, your pick of high-paying jobs, and a couple of kids. Plus an obedient and loving stepdaughter. Now that nothing is going the way YOU wanted it to, life blows chunks. Unfortunately, Life DOES blow chunks. Quite often. And one has to roll with the punches and face reality. If you're not happy, do something about it.

You knew from the moment you met him that he had a stepdaughter and "baby mama drama." (Your stepdaughter's not a baby, true — but she does have a bio mom who's a drama queen.) And it appears he's not handling that very well. Why do YOU want to have a baby with him so badly when he's not parenting his current child very well? Do you want to cement YOUR claim on him? Show your stepdaughter that YOU are truly his wife by having a child with him? 

From what you've written, you see yourself in competition with your stepdaughter (who, given how her bio mom and stepdad act toward her, shouldn't be blamed for wanting to live with Dad), and you're not very compassionate or caring with or about her. She can probably sense that quite easily .... and that may be where part of her acting out is coming from. It also sounds like you're very impatient and judgmental about a lot of things. The reality is, it takes time to make blended families work, especially when teenagers are involved. Unfortunately, all too often, things like this happen in blended families (one parent having emotional problems and taking them out on the children). 

Now, your husband has some issues too: 



> When we spoke last night *he was upset thinking that I wanted to get a divorce when all he wants is for me to have a steady job, whether it be my business again or something else (I used to make very close to 100k before i moved here, now nothing. and that's all he talks about.* About how i have the potential to make more then him, and at the very least he makes about 120k a year with bonuses). He said *he hates that if I don't even want to start trying until I'm 32 (8 months from now), I'm giving up and making him feel bad when he really does want a family, and he's ready, but just wants me to also be working,* even if just a 40k – 60K a year job. He did say that *it will also be easier when SD is out of the house because of all she is going through ...*


YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness, either. Why did he immediately jump to thinking you want a divorce if all you were discussing was how you felt? Why is he complaining that you're making him feel bad with your feelings? And why is he harping about you needing a better job if you're doing okay with money between his job and yours? It also sounds like he really doesn't want to be dealing with his daughter's problems .... and that's not a good thing.



> ... when I look at his friends and family, and even co-workers, everyone seems like a family unit. They talk about their kids, baby plans, everything. Wives work part-time, and husbands are happy with that and the fact that they have their 3 kid families. *My DH just puts down how they have to ask their wives for permission, or have kid duty, or are stay at home dads, etc. It makes me feel like a family is not what he wants,* or that what he has now; as pretty wife, and a kid almost out is good for him????


Sounds like your husband, deep down, doesn't want more children *at this point.* YOU have to decide if that's a deal breaker.

I feel for you; you had high hopes for this situation, but reality is now showing up. If you want to continue in this marriage, I suggest counseling and a LOT of it.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Your SD is always going to be the number one person in your husbands life and she should be.


Wife should be number 1. Spouses first, kids second. Kids grow up and move out. If someone's spouse isn't their no.1 they may just find them gone too.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much of a commute is it from where you used live and had your business?

Could you do the same business where you are now?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

sunvalley - I hear you, and you are right kind of, but I need everyone to know that I am not looking for a provider. That is my problem, by DH thinks its all about money and it has never been we me. I want to work, I always have, its not about him taking care of me. 

I just got off a 2 hour call with my MIL and she cleared up a lot of things I did not know about how my DH is feeling, and that's because he sucks at communicating, but he did talk to her when we visited for xmas. 

I don't just want a baby, I've had opportunities to do that, I want a family as I always have. I waited to get married to make sure I was in love and happy with my partner, and so did he. Im just at that stage naturally it has nothing to do with cementing my claim. He has never been married, although many women wanted him, but chose me. In my eyes I cemented my claim already he sought out and chose me. 

I love me SD, and I know for a fact that she looks up to me and all that I have done and my background, but its hard! Her bios cant stand each other and everyone knows this, she knows this. 
They weren't even together and he was 21, I have nothing against BM at all besides how she treats SD (I don't really know her), and I have to deal with it. 

My SD is hard to deal with for everyone, but according to everyone Im doing an awesome job with her. She looks up to me, etc. but she does things to cause issues btw DH and I. One minute she is curios how he and I get along so well, perfect for each other, and the next doing things to see us fight, and when that doesn't work she really acts out and I want nothing to do with her. DH and I barely fight, the mane thing we love about each other. 

It is bad with her mom, and has been since birth apparently, and everyone has tried to mask it to make SD feel comfortable and normal, which is great, but because of this DH is sacred to say things in fear of making her feel unloved. 

SD thinks im going to be a great mom, tells me all the time. But then she throws random things out like how DH will be a better parent to our kids because he is older, he always wanted to be married, he was just a boy in college when he had here, and how he really didn't want her mom, and that makes everyone feel bad meanly me! I dont like that shes says this, and I just feel that DH not being a good communicator is making things hard then they need to be. 

I am impatient and judgmental about a lot of things, and I'm working on that. My reality is im not use to being dependent on someone else. Trusting someone else with my life, and that's whats really causing this. I know I have to relax, im just use to being in control of me, and im not because growing my family can only happy if my DH is willing, HAPPY, and ready. 

The thing is, I am very emotional right now, but I take it out on my DH and not my SD, and I dont like that.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

3000 miles. I was in NYC now on the west coast. 

I tired my business here, but didn't work. I'm working PT doing something similar here.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

BTW, Thank you for everyone replying. It is helping me work through this.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Sounds like SD's bio mom does not pay support for SD. Why not? The fact that *she *is not working should not be the sole deciding factor. Bio mom's family income definitely has an effect. Has DH even bothered to consult an attorney about this?

Honestly, based upon what you have said, DH married you for your earning capacity. He claims to want a baby but then complains about his friends acting as a family unit. He is telling you he wants a baby because that is what you want to hear but he wants you to keep bringing in those six figures.

Get some heavy duty MC if you want to stay married to this man. He needs to understand his wife is and always be his priority.

Get some IC whether you stay or go. You say a family, not just a baby, is a deal breaker for you. Counseling will help you decide if you want to stay or go.

IamSomebody


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IamSomebody said:


> Honestly, based upon what you have said, DH married you for your earning capacity. He claims to want a baby but then complains about his friends acting as a family unit. He is telling you he wants a baby because that is what you want to hear but he wants you to keep bringing in those six figures.


I agree with the above. Your earning potential and his desire for you to bring in the big bucks is his focus.

I'm leaning towards that you would do best to go back to where you used to live, restart your business and find someone who sill not drag you to the middle of nowhere while still expecting you to bring in lots of money... and someone who admires those who build and maintain a strong family unit.

This is a guy who has never been married. There is a reason for that.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Im so use to running from my relationships, I don't want to just run from this and not try, i'm just like how much do I try???? How long????


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> Im so use to running from my relationships, I don't want to just run from this and not try, i'm just like how much do I try???? How long????


Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Get your husband to read them with you and to do the work that the books lead you through.

Get into counseling for blending your family.. with him, SD and you. Fix this. There is no way that you and your husband should be doing things like telling her your income, your bills, etc at her demand. it's not her place. She needs to know that. He needs to learn that being afraid to set limits/boundaries for her will actually and act of not loving her.

Give it 3 months. At that point evaluate how things are going. 

If things have not improved enough, leave.

Do the same thing at the 6 months and 9 months point if you are still with him.

At the one year mark, if you are still with him, do a HUGE evaluation. If things are not where they need to be.. leave.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Thank you!!!! Im also working on being positive, because I feel I'm always thinking negatively.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> Thank you!!!! Im also working on being positive, because I feel I'm always thinking negatively.


When a person is in a situation where something is not going right, of course they will think negatively.

You are second guessing your knowledge and intuition. Stop doing that. Doing this is what gets a person stuck in a bad marriage for years.

I understand your desire to make sure you did everything you can to fix this. Your marriage is not working very well at this point. So do the work. But pay attention to what you know and your intuition. If this marriage cannot become a relationship in which you grow and thrive, then don't stay in it.

Are you feeling very isolated? You moved 3000 miles, gave up basically everything you know. Do you have friends of your own?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I feel very isolated here. I have one friend and she just got married, so she is busy as a newly wed. I spend most of my time with DH and SD, or alone. I dont mind being alone because Im learning things I didn't have time to before, like makeup, hair, spending more time taking care of body, skin, etc. 

But I am lonely. I have never had a lot of close girl friends, because i worked a lot and was just focused on that. Its very hard to make friends here, most people think im stuck up, and to much for this town. I dont have women to talk to about this stuff, and if i find some one, they are divorced, bitter, and just tells me its life, or stay at home moms how just ask me why I would even leave the city for here. 

It's so bad that I'm contently told, your so pretty what are you going to do here??? or everyone my DH knows when they meet me say; you moved here for him, that's big? or Ask how did he get such a pretty wife. IT"S ANNOYING!!! I feel like im not liked by most because of this, I dont get it, and im lonely.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you in the USA?

If so take a look at Find your people - Meetup see if there is anything in your area. If there are, find things that you enjoy and go do them. That way you can meet some people and you won't be so isolated all the time.

What's the population in the area/town where you live? 

In small towns it can take a long time for a new person to fit in.

If your husband lives 3000 miles away, how did you meet him when you lived 3000 miles the other way?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

We have meet ups and I tried a few, but not a lot going on here. most are for stay at home moms, or the environment, not much of what im in too. I started volunteering but even there it's "what are you doing in the state?".....

I met my DH when he was visiting my city. We started via phone and online, then we traveled to see each other each month, for 6 months, by month 9 I moved. We got engaged, and married a year later.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> We have meet ups and I tried a few, but not a lot going on here. most are for stay at home moms, or the environment, not much of what im in too. I started volunteering but even there it's "what are you doing in the state?".....


What state do you live in, if you don’t mind sharing? 

Are you volunteering at one place? Or do you volunteer in many different places? I ask because it would seem that if you volunteer in one place.. say a hospital, then how many times can the same people ask you what are you doing in this state?

I wonder if you are being hyper sensitive. People always ask questions and are curious. It’s pretty natural. They want to find something to talk about. So you answer that you moved there to be with your husband. 


shouldigo said:


> Its very hard to make friends here, most people think im stuck up, and to much for this town.


Do they tell you this? 


shouldigo said:


> It's so bad that I'm contently told, your so pretty what are you going to do here??? or everyone my DH knows when they meet me say; you moved here for him, that's big? or Ask how did he get such a pretty wife. IT"S ANNOYING!!! I feel like im not liked by most because of this, I dont get it, and im lonely.


Things like “how did he get such a pretty wife” is something that people say all the time to joke with guys. They also say it to complement his pretty wife. Why would you take that as meaning that they don’t like you. If they did not like you, they would ignore you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, why doesn't your husband want you to work retail?


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Try this as well; Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family by Susan Wisdom. 

Sounds like your SD is behaving very much like a normal SD. She's trying to push you as well as appreciating you. It takes about 5 years for a stepfamily to function well, and if she has issues with her BM it will be tough.

You can learn how to manage the SD situation from the book above or if you find a stepfamily course locally.

Be patient with yourself and your H. I don't think he's just after your money, and I think he's probably just as confused as you are. 
I think there's no reason why you can't have a family, I understand your H worries about money.

But the big issue seems to be you're lonely. Moving so far would be tough for that. The meetups could be good, and finding friends through your job. If you've been busy working all the time up to now, you tend to have built-in friends, but now you need to find some.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

First of all, the SD does come first to your husband. She is his daughter and his first responsibility. However, it sounds like he is not setting good boundaries with her. She should be doing her chores and she has no right to any of you and your husband’s personal information. I also don’t understand why the two of you are sharing a car. That is ridiculous. I understand her reasoning for giving the car back but that does not mean she has a right to your car. If she really wants a car, she is 17. She can get a job and pay for one. Ultimately discipline of your SD is your husband’s responsibility. But I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that you are not sharing your car with your SD. It’s hard for both of you to get used to each other and the change in house dynamics. She will probably be going to college soon and that will ease that. 

I’m confused about the baby thing. You say you’re afraid your husband doesn’t want one but then you said he would prefer you start earlier. So it sounds like he wants one. Is there a reason you had your mind set on starting at 32?

I’m sorry you are feeling pressured about finding a job. Do you want to be a stay at home mom?


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> 32 years old is a very late stage to begin building your family. I hope you realise how hard it is to conceive your first child at 32. Your fertile years are coming to a close.


Foolscotton3, check the census - average age at birth of first child's is going up all the time in western countries. Friends of mine have been having children well into their 40's. Fertility is the last of OP's problems.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

The "how did he get such a pretty wife" thing is something the women ask, and tell me they ask each other. Its just annoying because now I feel like Im just looked at as the Pretty Ex Model from NYC. 

My DH tells me to stop talking so much about NYC, but that's all anyone wants to talk about when they meet or see me. 

He does not like the retail hours. Says that it would be hard with a baby. Plus I'm a really good cook, I make dinner every night, this was even before I met him. He likes that and I would not be able to cook every night with a retail job. 

I live in Olympia WA.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> Hi Roselyn,
> 
> Sorry no, let me clear somethings up. DH makes 10k a month and always has, but there is a chance that one day claims can stop coming in and only make 3k a month, but unlikely. he is number one in his company and has been for 2 years. We are ok with money, my part-time job brings in 3k a month and i work 15hrs a week. The thing is I used to make very close to 100k before i moved here, not nothing. and thats all he talks about. About how i have the potential to make more then him, and at the very least he makes about 120k a year with bonuses.
> 
> ...


I see. Ick. I'm sorry. Have you talked to him about the fact you are now in the middle of nowhere and so it is a lot harder to get a job. He's not being very realistic.

SD is half his responsibility. But she's also her mother's responsibility. She sounds like a terrible mother.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Thanks, Deep Down.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

You are hoping that your stepdaughter will leave home and go to college. What makes you think that she is college material. She is in therapy. How can she survive a competitive and tough college environment? I believe that she'll be with you for a long time.

Uh, not true. Unless she has a debilitating mental illness, she is probably very capable of functioning. Even many people with mental illness function fairly well.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I don't talk bad about the BM at all, and never in my house. But it's bad with that woman!


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

She is going to college, and really wants to badly. My DH and I both did, and she looks up to that. She wants me to help her look for scholarships this week. I love her, but she hard for everyone to deal with. 

My MIL praised me today for how well im dealing with her, because no one can. I love that she admires me, but its also like she hates that I dont have problems. She will say things like "not everyone is as smart as you, or not everyone is as cultured as you", its just hard.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I always wanted to get married at 30 and start my family at 32. In a big city like NYC where you need a lot of money to live well, you have to hustle during your 20's, not thinking about man and babies. You do that at the end of your 20's so you ready to go by 30/31.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Thebes said:


> You know once you hit 35 it is harder to get pregnant, birth defects go up and so do your chances of miscarriage. Also older men are more likely to produce children with mental problems especially if they are boys.
> 
> Not saying this will happen but throwing it out there for you to think about.


It is harder to get pregnant. And although there can be birth defects there may not be. My husband and I had a healthy baby boy and I was 41 and he was 49. But we did have difficulty getting pregnant. If you want to make a change because he does not want kids, I would do it now. I would let him know he needs to commit to it or you will have to move on. Not as a threat but as the reality that this is what you want and this is a deal breaker.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Why did you guys move?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I talked to my MIL today for the very first time about my feelings, and the first thing she said to me was that she was wondering when I was going to call her. 

She told me that over xmas my DH was telling her that he is trying to get us in a better place (more money, better credit), a bigger house, etc. because he wants more kids and knows that I want them. 

She told me that when he met me she mentioned to him that I was younger and would want kids, and he told her that he wanted the same. But I feel like my marriage and the future of it is based off of how much money we can make and not for marriage itself, being in love, and growing our family.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

He lived here, I moved. We cant move until she is out of HS.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> The "how did he get such a pretty wife" thing is something the women ask, and tell me they ask each other. Its just annoying because now I feel like Im just looked at as the Pretty Ex Model from NYC.
> 
> My DH tells me to stop talking so much about NYC, but that's all anyone wants to talk about when they meet or see me.
> 
> ...


Oh my gosh, I was born there! So why would he expect you to cook dinner every night if you are working full time? Is cooking something you do to relax?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Lol, in Olympia?


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> I don't talk bad about the BM at all, and never in my house. But it's bad with that woman!


Yeah. That's best to not talk with them about her. But, I can't believe she would dump her child like that. Terrible.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> I talked to my MIL today for the very first time about my feelings, and the first thing she said to me was that she was wondering when I was going to call her.
> 
> She told me that over xmas my DH was telling her that he is trying to get us in a better place (more money, better credit), a bigger house, etc. because he wants more kids and knows that I want them.
> 
> She told me that when he met me she mentioned to him that I was younger and would want kids, and he told her that he wanted the same. But I feel like my marriage and the future of it is based off of how much money we can make and not for marriage itself, being in love, and growing our family.


Did you tell her about his push for you to make more money before having children?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I love too cook, and I think I spoiled him with that. He is very appreciative and tells me all the time.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> I talked to my MIL today for the very first time about my feelings, and the first thing she said to me was that she was wondering when I was going to call her.
> 
> She told me that over xmas my DH was telling her that he is trying to get us in a better place (more money, better credit), a bigger house, etc. because he wants more kids and knows that I want them.
> 
> She told me that when he met me she mentioned to him that I was younger and would want kids, and he told her that he wanted the same. But I feel like my marriage and the future of it is based off of how much money we can make and not for marriage itself, being in love, and growing our family.


I'm sorry.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I did tell her, and she is confused by it too. Said that he kind of said that a career is important to most women, and I think he gets that from me stressing out about not working. 

I feel like im damned either way. I want to work, and happiest when I am, so I think that's why he thinks that.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> Lol, in Olympia?


Yes. We moved when I was five. That's hilarious. I live in Portland so not too far from you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> I did tell her, and she is confused by it too. Said that he kind of said that a career is important to most women, and I think he gets that from me stressing out about not working.
> 
> I feel like im damned either way. I want to work, and happiest when I am, so I think that's why he thinks that.


You were a model in NY. Have you considered opening up some kind of school to teach this?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

We talked about moving to Portland I like it there, we visit a often.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> I love too cook, and I think I spoiled him with that. He is very appreciative and tells me all the time.


That's cool. I hate to cook so I would be like, 'Excuse me!'  But I know it is really relaxing for some people.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You were a model in NY. Have you considered opening up some kind of school to teach this?


That's a good idea. People would flock to that.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I did think about that, but he is so confusing and hard to understand; he would prefer that I just work for the state here because its steady, benefits, 401k. Anything else would be extra.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> We talked about moving to Portland I like it there, we visit a often.


I love it here. It's a great place to live.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> I did think about that, but he is so confusing and hard to understand; he would prefer that I just work for the state here because its steady, benefits, 401k. Anything else would be extra.


You keep talking about what he would prefer for your job/career.

Do you want to work for the state? What kind of job would you have with them and is it something that you want to do?


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> I did think about that, but he is so confusing and hard to understand; he would prefer that I just work for the state here because its steady, benefits, 401k. Anything else would be extra.


You should do what you want to do. Find what makes you happy. Plus, if a modeling school takes off, you could make a lot more than you can for the state. If you are happy working and he just wants you to be happy, I think you should seek out what you would be passionate about.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I do not want to work for the state, but I understand that they are the major employer here, so I would have to do what I have to. But NO it's not what I want to do. 

I have a business management background, and really do enjoy that.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Thank you ladies, this is really helping me. I'm always stuck trying to bounce ideas btw myself and the walls in my house.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Honestly im just very afraid that if I just focus on what I want to do for work, I will never have kids. That's all i ever did and my ex's hated it. Now im more relaxed and its working against me.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouldigo said:


> Honestly im just very afraid that if I just focus on what I want to do for work, I will never have kids. That's all i ever did and my ex's hated it. Now im more relaxed and its working against me.


You can have kids no matter what you do for work.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

- Pooh Bear


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I have two sisters 30 and 27. we are close, same mom, they have the same dad. but they are closer. I have been working since I was 12 (i started modeling then). 

I have always been more focused on me, money, and nice things. It wasn't until my DH that things changed and I really wanted to settle down. I even became closer to my mom, after I met him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of my brothers and his wife had a dance studio for years. it was great for raising their children. The children grew up in the studio.. literally. When they were babies they were there in playpens, swings, etc. at the studio. 

A business like that could make it so that you have your child with you most of the time.

I'm a software engineer. When my son was young (he's 26 now) I had a consulting business. I kept a room in my business for my son and hired a high school girl to help me out. When I had client meetings, she'd watch him. For a long time my secretary also brought her daughter as she was the same age as my son. But most of the time he was in my office playing under my desk, etc. I loved it. He loved it.

I've known a lot of professional women who do this. For example I had a lawyer who had a nursery in her offices for her children.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Step families are very hard and more than likely you are correct that she wants to be #1 in her dad's life. It's not just girls. I married a man who had full custody or 5 & 7 year old boys. The younger boys always wanted daddy and when he could not get what he wanted from his dad he would cry and have fits. I always felt our family was divided. 5 years into the marriage we had a child of our own and that did unify the family somewhat for awhile.

My thoughts here is that as hard as it is for you to find work where you are you have the option to stay and keep looking or return to the area you had your business and resume that life you had there. SD 17 will have the time with her dad and you would not have to deal with the competition part of it. It might help you feel better about yourself and your own personal accomplishments. Perhaps not ideal as you do want to be by your husband but would he consider moving to where you once lived once his daughter graduates high school?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

He does not want to live in NYC. But taking some time and going back, I have though about.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

He is a very poor communicator, and I was too until I met him. one of us had to start talking so I did, but he does not talk to anyone about his feeling, his wants, or needs, its like he expects you to just know.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shouldigo said:


> He is a very poor communicator, and I was too until I met him. one of us had to start talking so I did, but he does not talk to anyone about his feeling, his wants, or needs, its like he expects you to just know.


The books I suggested will teach the both of you a lot about how to communicate in a marriage.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

I'm going to get them tomorrow


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

She does not. she is very pretty, but honestly, too much like her BM and that woman is not ok. Her own husband called the cops on her a few times. Mental .


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Oh wow, how old is your DH?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Do you have or want kids?


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Got it. 

I'm starting to think im just stressing to much.


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I reckon you are perfect to set up some sort of model school/agency. I don't know Washington, but google tells me you are not too far form Seattle and Portland, large population centres. With a good online presence you could even have satellite offices in those cities. You have contacts in NYC, everyone in your town know that you're an exmodel from NYC so you have the reputation already! Its so obvious!

Anyway stop me and my good ideas. But if you think about what you bring to the situation form your history, you've got great opportunities there. 

And I agree you can manage a baby with your own company, you see women setting up their own company to be able to look after their children and work all the time. 

You've made many life changes in a short period of time. It takes a while to absorb. I can see your DH is trying to earn enough to get you a bigger place to fit the new family. Many guys think that way. They feel they need to get the money bit sorted, and the rest will be OK.


----------



## shouldigo (Jan 10, 2015)

Thank you ladies, I have to stop fear from getting the best of me.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

shouligo, how are you doing? Have you thought about things? I know it has only been a few days.


----------

