# In total DENIAL, Help please.



## Callie3005 (Mar 4, 2015)

Hello,

I have posted a Thread recently under a different name, but my husband found me here and wanted to continue updating my history, only thread, under the name of "malagacoast".

Any way, I have keep the NC for about two weeks and the divorce is being done.

Yesterday, he send me and e mail and I did respond to it.

Told him that I would have prefer to works things out with him since I do believe there is still love between us. And we did not have any other problems with the exception of his continue close relationship with coworkers and exes for the past 5 years, (the term of the relationship). Many of these e mails, texts etc being overly friendly, openly flirtatious and double meaning.

He answered the e mail telling me he wanted desperately to give it another try, but was afraid when some of these women will write to him, I would take it wrong.

I have not problem with him communicating with coworkers as I have explain it many times, I have a problem with the way they communicate, way too close , personal and flirty.

So I did tell him, again, he was more worried about not making these girls uncomfortable than loosing me. 

Told him farewell.

I know this is the right thing for me to do, but I am again, at point 1.
Devastated and with NO HOPE.

I am wondering if someone has been in my shoes before and if their husband/significant other has turned around and did the right thing and they were able to reconcile and make amends and live happily ever after.

Thank you for listening.

Any reinforcement from you guys is very welcome. Because obviously I am as brainless as a brick.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

You're probably doing the right thing. He seems to want to have his cake (you) and eat it too (flirt with his skank coworkers). As much as "modern" people say that that flirting is harmless the reality is it never is. It's one side or the other, or both, testing the waters. Think of it this way. He flirted with you when you two were early in the process of getting to know each other and look where that led.

I guess it's at least good that he was honest about probably not giving up these work skanks. At least you know where you stand. He could have lied and said he'd never speak to them unprofessionally ever again and then did it anyway.

I'm a very pro-marriage guy but I think your man isn't. To use TAM'er speak, he's a cake eater.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

WOW, it seems like you have it all together to me. You know what you want, your being firm about it, and your doing what you feel is best for yourself and your situation. I wish I had enough courage and strength to do exactly what you are doing right now. Instead Ive been playing this round about game and have been in a circle of being treated good and like complete crap. ANd have been lying to myself in the process. 

Keep doing what feels right.


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## Callie3005 (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you. 
Yes. 
I must be STRONG and let this man/child/attention seeker go.

I have not choice. 

I want a respectful, committed , no lies, amorous, relationship, and this is NOT it.

But regardless the Logic, it hurts so much.
I know.
It takes time.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

we need more people like you in this world. values, integrity...

i mentioned somewhere that I had texted a former staff only a couple times a year for like 2 or 3 years. my W met her and her BF. when she mentioned she was not comfortable with that, i completely and totally stopped. i only wish she said something before.

nothing was wrong, bad or evil. my W knew of any and all communication. nothing hidden or inappropriate by any interpretation including my Ws interpretation.

i immediately stopped all communication. my W and marriage is so far ahead in my priorities, i didn't even consider a discussion over it. if my W does not like it, i give it my full attention.

i am totally responsible to her as she is to me. thats how we roll.

good for you. always maintain those values and high expectations. if the guy does not measure up, its on him. his failure.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

Just an UPDATE.

We got divorced about two months ago.
After, I did send a couple of e mails to him , saying that I did love him, still, and that I thought it was a shame that this relationship was lost. He did not reply to it.
I called a couple of times, he did not pick up.
After that, I went totally dark. No Communication whatsoever. For almost two months.

A week ago, He send me an e mail, telling me, " he misses me, thinks of me everyday and he misses the relationship we shall have had."

He used sweet words and my pet name and send two songs : "Stuck on you" and " Penny Lover" by Lionel Richie.

I answered, that I missed him too, everyday and that he could have
"that life " if he wanted.
He responded : "Yes, let's talk about that " 

We spend this past weekend together. Talked a little and then he got sick. Mostly flu like symptoms.

I was attentive to him, cooked, etc. But not much of relationship talk until Monday morning were I asked what was the Next Step for us.

He said he loves me, but when he thinks of our relationship, he feels bittersweet, longing, anger and then A Big Black Cloud overpowers him.

And he still thinks that the problems in our relationship were brought up by ME. My perception of his flirtatious conversations with co workers, his late night out when they are in a work-trip etc, not contacting me when he goes out on these trips, or just the minimum amount, by text.


I asked why he did send these songs, which they specifically say " I have been a fool , but I am ready to come home " 
His response, I like these songs and I knew you like them.

Am I being very stupid to think that he shouldn't have send me these songs, after two months of silence if he didn't mean what was say in these lyrics? I mean Who does that? 

I am seeing a Counselor and he said he will go to her. My Counselor doesn't want to see him. 
She says it is a conflict of interest. I asked why, being a couples Counselor.
She responded you guys are not a couple.

The day he left, he embraced me, and say he loves me.
But for the past couple of days, he called Monday night to wish me a good night rest. And yesterday about the same.

Should I assume, that he is DONE but feels guilty because he didn't want to give me the opportunity of the "trying" to fix the relationship before the divorce and , wants me to tell him to get Lost, knowing that I do not swim in muddy waters, so he feels better about not being the Bad Guy? 
I am again, very sad and hurt. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Or, he is addicted to the validation, attention, more than he is addicted to your relationship.

Point is, if you sent flirty text to other men, have them call you, and take you out to dinner, it would be a totally different story. He would be the one still saying your the one who ruined the marriage.

I trust my gf to go out to dinner with other men, and my boundary would be the flirting, and constant communication throughout the day, that would mean that there is a more intimate relationship of some sort.

Here is the thing, people's behavior is mostly determined by motivation, and his motivation is geared towards having intimate relationship with multiple women,. He prefers it over your marriage.

As you see, he still has the same issues, and it is a near certainty that anyone else he marries, will have the same issues. Lets say 9 out of 10 of his long term committed relationships would not work because of this issue.

You should be working on detachment because you got a glimpse of him being the same man. If you get back together with him, expect the same. In his view, you're the one with the problem. If you decide to get back together with him, you will have only yourself to blame for getting back into the same situation. His other relationships are a known factor,. Perhaps you should be in an open relationship if your going to be with him, so at least you would be on equal footing.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

malagacoast said:


> Just an UPDATE.
> 
> We got divorced about two months ago.
> After, I did send a couple of e mails to him , saying that I did love him, still, and that I thought it was a shame that this relationship was lost. He did not reply to it.
> ...


He's willing to walk away unless you let him cake eat. He doesn't really love you because his love is conditional. He's a real piece of work. Very manipulative from what I read. Your only mistake was answering his email and letting him mess with your head. You should of continued to ignore him. You gave him EVERY opportunity prior to divorce. You BOTH need to understand that ship as sailed. He's toxic to you, please just stay away from him. You'll never heal if you continue communicate with this guy. Remember WHY you got divorced. YOU DESERVE BETTER.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

Thank you both, Mr. Fisty, and BetrayedDad.

I wouldn't do the Open Relationship thing.

You are right.
Stay AWAY!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Go find a guy that loves you, respects you, only wants to be with you and only has eyes for you.

Don't you deserve a guy like that?

He had his chance and blew it.

He is selfish.

Now get out there.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

The man is a problem child.

He will not change. His toxins will leak soon. Distance is your friend in this case. He desires a virtual harem. 

He's actually a very poor manipulator. You should be able to see through all his nonsense and really get angry right about now. Then, 'poof' he's gone. Was just checking if he's still in control.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

PBDad said:


> The man is a problem child.
> 
> He will not change. His toxins will leak soon. Distance is your friend in this case. He desires a virtual harem.
> 
> He's actually a very poor manipulator. You should be able to see through all his nonsense and really get angry right about now. Then, 'poof' he's gone. Was just checking if he's still in control.


PBDad ....Wow.... you are probably right. But what would be the point of it? 
I don't understand. Would you please tell me more....


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

He is Extremely close to his mom. They talk everyday for up to an hour and of course he is her golden son. He is the younger child of 3 and the difference in ages is about 17 years with the 2nd child.
I thought that was maybe a little bit off and some enmeshment was in place.
You know, they cannot marry anyone because they are married to their mom?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Happyman is 100% right. Even if he is not carrying on with these other females, it is clear that he is not much interested in loving you the way you want and need to be loved.

Go find someone who will.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree, he sees nothing wrong with having other women in his life and that isn't going to change. He probably does miss you but the only relationship you can have with him is on his terms. And he's STILL feeding you bullsh!t about how it was really your fault.

I don't think the mom things is such a big deal unless she meddles in his life. I was really close to my dad like that, but he didn't meddle in my life.

Don't bother with him, you're better off without him. You'd be signing up for the same stuff you had before, but now he'd be extra sure he can get away with it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

From what you describe about his upbringing, his mother seem to enabled some poor traits in him. His mother probably minimized some of his mistakes, and blamed others. She placed him on a pedestal, making criticism harder to reach him. Hence, your the one who is wrong and to blame.

If you go back to him, in his mind, it will only validate that you're the one who is wrong and mistaken. He has no problem, and the problem lies with you and only you.

Even if you get back together, be prepared for that type of view from him. He probably does not take time and consider his own actions, only to believe that you're the one at fault.

Logically, if he were think about and analyze his own part in the demise, he will see that he took time and energy away from the relationship to stop, interrupt your own time with him, to make time for others. His flirty behavior is nothing wrong because he cannot do any wrong, but if it were you, totally different story.

You love him, but be logical about this. He may never get beyond this behavior which has been ingrained in him, making it his own personal belief.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

12465114 said:


> Don't bother with him, you're better off without him. You'd be signing up for the same stuff you had before, but now he'd be extra sure he can get away with it.


:iagree:[/QUOTE]


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> From what you describe about his upbringing, his mother seem to enabled some poor traits in him. His mother probably minimized some of his mistakes, and blamed others. She placed him on a pedestal, making criticism harder to reach him. Hence, your the one who is wrong and to blame.
> 
> If you go back to him, in his mind, it will only validate that you're the one who is wrong and mistaken. He has no problem, and the problem lies with you and only you.
> 
> ...


I am aware of that.
It is just so UNBELIEVABLE to me that he wouldn't even consider his actions and behavior allowing these flirty coworkers in our lives, has been the paramount of the demise of the relationship. Cannot wrap my head around it.

Well, it has been 5 days since he left and no communication from him.
We did not agree to anything about going on in different paths or not trying to fix our problems after multiple mentions of his love for me. 

I guess he is just addicted to any kind of attention and he is not mature, strong enough,  to say the definitive Good Bye when applicable. That explains the rest of the Orbiters around him.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

Thank you for all the Comfort you guys send me.

I am totally AWARE and in Agreement with everyone's assessment of the situation.
I have made up my mind that I have not choice but to GO ON. And that is the best decision I have made in the past 5 years.

It is just very sad to realize I was involved with someone that has such an immature, shallow and manipulative character and it took so long for me to come to that conclusion .

I used to think it was just a matter of misunderstanding, but I know now that it's a Character Issue. That cannot be Fixed.

Hopefully, I will be able to replace my thoughts of melancholia and get real within myself and look back as a learning experience.


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