# Need your feedback/thoughts.



## rohrock (Jan 18, 2018)

Thought I'd post here to get women's feed back as well: sorry for the double post, first time here..

Hi folks,

I'm a married man with a 2 and 4 year old daughter. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, but our disagreements and perceptions about money have escalated despite Marital counseling and Therapy for 1 plus years (which also costs a fortune). We are not getting anywhere. She accuses me of this and that.

So most recently, she took all of our money from our joint account and left me with $0 to pay bills (im the breadwinner), and in arguing, said to my face "I hope you die on your f**** harley." She then spends in the last month more than what she took, and despite our going to therapy on a bi-weekly basis, she wants me to pay for what she spent and not use any of the money that she took. This is of course long story short, but hell, to me this is crazy.

I'm thinking of separating as everything is costing me my earned money for the family and therapy is not working. Maybe this has been said before, but in our insane world, when men are accused of any type of abuse, they get thrown in prison and labeled as all sorts of sh** But when women are accused of verbal abuse and such, men have to pay for damned counseling.

Just needed a place to express myself after 5 years of hell with exception to my two lil girls. What do you guys think? Should I separate or please share with me you experiences/thoughts/questions. This was one recent example to a bigger story.

Thanks.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

it's obvious there's still a lot of love in your relationship. i think you two will do fine


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

toblerone said:


> it's obvious there's still a lot of love in your relationship. i think you two will do fine


HA

First thing to do is set up an account of your own, and switch all direct-deposits and auto payments to that one. If she handles the bills you better take over paying them to be sure of where your money is going. Cut up and / or close any joint credit accounts. Now put her on an allowance. Enough to get the normal day-in day-out expenses to feed and take care of the kids and house. But not enough to blow it because she's mad at you.

Now, is she right about you? Are you wasting all your money? Does she have a legitimate reason to think you might be putting her and the kids at risk? Did you have 23K in the bank as a nest egg, and you just spent 22K on a new Road King? While it is "your" money if you are the breadwinner, there's an understanding between you that you will earn that money to ensure your family's health and future.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

We need more details...


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## rohrock (Jan 18, 2018)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> HA
> 
> First thing to do is set up an account of your own, and switch all direct-deposits and auto payments to that one. If she handles the bills you better take over paying them to be sure of where your money is going. Cut up and / or close any joint credit accounts. Now put her on an allowance. Enough to get the normal day-in day-out expenses to feed and take care of the kids and house. But not enough to blow it because she's mad at you.
> 
> Now, is she right about you? Are you wasting all your money? Does she have a legitimate reason to think you might be putting her and the kids at risk? Did you have 23K in the bank as a nest egg, and you just spent 22K on a new Road King? While it is "your" money if you are the breadwinner, there's an understanding between you that you will earn that money to ensure your family's health and future.


Hey,

Thanks for that response. We have one SUV (which i own and pay all the auto insurance and maintenance for) and one Road Glide (own and pay all the insurance and etc... for as well). And the Road Glide was something that she took me to the dealers to get about 4 years ago and said "Happy Father's Day," but everytime we have conflict, she uses that and says you spend so much on your bike (but it's maintenance and I'm a daily rider) and she was the one who insisted on having no car in So. CAL because she believes in all this environmental ra-ra stuff. And I said "If you have no car and I just go to work on the SUV, how will you get to the hospital and etc.. with the kids if we have an emergency?" Her response was "Oh I'll just ask the neighbors and we can walk to places." Of course within the last fourr years, if she had no car, she and the kids would've been screwed. 

Now when she complains about ^ I'm like "You had a chance to buy a car and you refused, and you even took me to the dealers to get the Road Glide and said happy father's day." 

And no, I'm not using up all the money and we have never been i debt cause I make sure everything is paid for and taken care of. I'd say we use discretionary funds equally, but she does not believe that. So our views there are different. 

What initiated this conflict, was 2 years ago took 2 thousand dollars from us and put it in a separate account and did not give me access to it or tell me until after the fact. So I set up a private account and put some money in there from my paycheck. 1 year later, she found out and was upset, and 4 months after she found out and after therapy she did this act of taking away all the money leaving me with zero.

The problem is, despite therapy and all the agreements we make about our budget, she always overspends and does not follow thru and then blames me for spending money on maintanence for the vehicles i pay for and on some entertainment (after bills are taken care of). I'm also paying for our damn therapy.

And I here I am. I do have a separate checking account at the moment.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay questions 

1. does she work...and if so where does her money go?
2. are the credit cards in your name or hers? 
3. what what has she done with the joint money (legally she is only entitled to half)
4. is this truly about money or is there an underliying issue here (control?) 

here is what you need to do...change direct deposit into another account with out her (ToDAY)
cancel all credit cards where you and her share an account. (maybe leave 1)
talk to a lawyer about your rights.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You should ask yourself why would any self-respecting man tolerate anyone treating them this way?


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## rohrock (Jan 18, 2018)

Hey,

1. No she does not work; she stays at home with the kids and "tries" to take care of them. But last year, she threw our daughter over a wooden kitchen door because she wanted to do something "different" playfully. Guess what? My daughter's arm was broken. She is now 4 years old.

2. We have a separate credit cards.

3. She has taken all the joint money and put it in a separate account that i do not have access to.

4. I think it could be both. More so control probably, cause she seems to not trust me and wants to have control of all the money/budget..


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## rohrock (Jan 18, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> You should ask yourself why would any self-respecting man tolerate anyone treating them this way?


Thank you. I was thinking the same way, but I'm wondering if I'm off or if I'm not seeing something. Your post confirms how I feel and my thoughts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is a nut. But I'd sell the Harley... she's going to get it anyway if you divorce.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

rohrock said:


> But last year, she threw our daughter over a wooden kitchen door because she wanted to do something "different" playfully. Guess what? My daughter's arm was broken. She is now 4 years old.


:surprise: This incident would have ended it for me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What does your counsellor think about the situation? 
The thing is that you have 2 very small children and if the marriage ends you will not be around for them very much. So you chose being a good full time dad for them or going back on your marriage vows and leaving. I could never ever have left my children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rohrock said:


> Hey,
> 
> 1. No she does not work; she stays at home with the kids and "tries" to take care of them. But last year, she threw our daughter over a wooden kitchen door because she wanted to do something "different" playfully. Guess what? My daughter's arm was broken. She is now 4 years old.
> 
> ...


She broke your daughter's arm?

Let me repeat that... *She. Broke. Your. Daughter's. Arm.*

That's really all we need to know.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No enough info so far, but you most be a passive/kind of weak guy to be second guessing yourself at this stage in your life and allowing your wife to do the things she does without any kind of repercussions. 

If you continue this path, before you know it, you're being taking to the cleaners by your stay at home wife, specially in CA. Man up and start looking ahead for your protection. It looks that sooner or later it will happens. Remember you would not be losing your kids, you can perfectly co-parent. So don't be afraid, if that's what you end up having to do.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

See a lawyer privately. 

Start your exit plan!

Or regret it later down the road.


Another stay at home mom goes crazy!


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

You have those posters coming out and saying you need to man up. Marriage is not a game. This is not about power and control. You are both very childish and of course your marriage is hell. You’re both doing tit for tat, but no one is thinking of the marriage. No one is thinking of your children. Both your wife and you are at fault. It is not solely your wife’s fault. If this marriage is to be saved you both need to learn respect for and trust in each other.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> What does your counsellor think about the situation?
> The thing is that you have 2 very small children and if the marriage ends you will not be around for them very much. So you chose being a good full time dad for them or going back on your marriage vows and leaving. I could never ever have left my children.


You do understand that, in the US, 50/50 custody is fairly standard. So is video chatting and nightly phone calls in custody orders. Failure to comply means being charged with contempt of court, a fine, and possibly jail time as well as a modification of the custody order in favor of the parent who was being denied.

In other words, stop scaring men who want to leave bad marriages by telling them they will hardly ever see their kids. That's simply not true.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

rohrock said:


> Hey,
> 
> 1. No she does not work; she stays at home with the kids and "tries" to take care of them. But last year, she threw our daughter over a wooden kitchen door because she wanted to do something "different" playfully. Guess what? My daughter's arm was broken. She is now 4 years old.
> 
> ...


So...she's completely worthless, has zero respect for you, shouldn't be trusted to take care of a goldfish much less 2 young kids, is an idiot about money, and is basically a childish *****.

What's not to love about that?

Time to man up.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> You have those posters coming out and saying you need to man up. Marriage is not a game. This is not about power and control. You are both very childish and of course your marriage is hell. You’re both doing tit for tat, but no one is thinking of the marriage. No one is thinking of your children. Both your wife and you are at fault. It is not solely your wife’s fault. If this marriage is to be saved you both need to learn respect for and trust in each other.


And about not breaking your child's arm and excusing it as "play."


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, get yourself to a lawyer. You live in California and you will be taken out to the cleaners financially, if you reach the 10 year mark of marriage. Your wife is irresponsible, financially and to the safety of your children. Sorry you are here.


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