# Ready to start dating - just feel kind of lost



## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I've been divorced since August 2015 (separated since March 2015). The divorce was not my choice - it hurt quite a bit - but I'm to the point where I'd like to start dipping my toes back into the water.

I feel like I've given myself enough time to at least get to that point.

Meeting people just seems a lot more daunting at 40 than it did when I was in my 20's.

I briefly tried online dating about a year ago, but gave up. It just seemed like I never got anywhere and I gave up - honestly, my heart really wasn't in it back then.

I have 2 young kids who I share custody/placement of 50/50.

Any advice? Should I look at online dating again?

It's strange because from the time I was 18 until I got divorced...I was pretty much always in a relationship. It was easier to meet people when I was younger and the social calendar was far more open.

I just feel like I have a lot more miles in the tank.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Surfer Joe said:


> I've been divorced since August 2015 (separated since March 2015). The divorce was not my choice - it hurt quite a bit - but I'm to the point where I'd like to start dipping my toes back into the water.
> 
> I feel like I've given myself enough time to at least get to that point.
> 
> ...


Good Luck @Surfer Joe I am going to follow this thread for the same advice to use in future. I am in same position been in relationship since I was 19 pretty much and have 50/50 custody. 

Hope you get some good advice.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

I was an only child of divorced parents. Here's some gold for you:

1. Parks / Playgrounds. Go for a walk with your kids. Especially on weekends (but even weekdays too), you will see mothers with kids EVERYWHERE. Don't feel embarrassed about sitting down on a bench to organize a bag of toys, diaper bag, pads/helmets (not sure exactly how old your kids are) and striking up a conversation with someone. It's surprising how non threatening a man with a baby carriage can be. Even if you don't meet someone single right away, chances are you will eventually meet some "regulars" at the park/playground who have single friends in the same boat you are in.

2. Back to school night. Don't be the first parent in the room. Walk in when it's about 1/3 full. Sit next to a lady you find attractive that isn't wearing a wedding ring (there are many nowadays). During a lull in the presentation, gently lean over and try to begin a conversation. If things go well, offer to meet over coffee to "go over school/parenting notes", etc. ...

3. Do not go to nightclubs. Newly divorced people (male and female) stand out like sore thumbs. As a male, unless you have fist loads of cash to spend, you will get nowhere...

4. Avoid meeting people at church (unless you are the super religious type). Things may start out well, but she will eventually find something that she wants to change about you and you don't need that in your life right now.

5. Learn to cook and cook well. Very few things are more attractive to a woman in a similar position as you than a man who can make food preparation into an art form rather than a chore.


Good Luck!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Surfer Joe Everyone moves at their own speed. It's probably good that you took some time before deciding to dip your toe back in. And YES, it can feel overwhelming. 

Feel free to try OLD, but don't invest too much emotional energy into it. You'll send a lot of messages; some will reply, but many won't; of those that reply, some will turn into a face-to-face meeting, but many won't; of those face-to face meetings, you'll get a few second dates, but most will fade away. It really is a numbers game. I really didn't like that aspect of OLD. It also felt quite superficial, though I only tried the free sites. I've heard that pay sites like Match are much better, but unless you're looking for an actual relationship (which I don't think that you are at this point?), I would stay away from the pay sites... it's a waste of your money, and if the women on there are looking for a relationship, you're just going to waste their time, and that isn't fair.

You can try meetup.com for activity groups. It's not a dating site, and they don't allow singles/dating groups (anymore--they banned them maybe a year or two ago, because they wanted meetup to be an ACTIVITY site, not a dating site), but you can find a lot of single people with similar interests if you join in and go to stuff. It's also a great way to make new friends, if you find that your social life has dried up since the divorce. And new friends can introduce you to their single friends...

Have you considered speed dating? I did one speed dating event, and while I didn't get any matches, I did have fun and met some cool people during the mingling part. If I had stayed single longer, I might have done more speed dating events.

Figure out what you want/what you're looking for, and be honest about it. If someone else says they're looking for a relationship, and you just want to date casually... be respectful, honest about what you want, and don't waste their time (or yours). You have to be willing to walk away if you and she want different things... some women think if they are patient enough, they can change your mind and convince you that you want a relationship. 

If you didn't like OLD, you don't have to do that... there are still other ways to meet people (the old-fashioned way).


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Of course you have more miles to go.. Your human!! I would take dating with a grain of salt.. Set up a profile with enough information and see what happens. Continue to live your life and care for your kids, this is first. But if someone comes along then great. Take your time getting to know this person. If you feel something is off, move on! I'm sure you know this put don't bring anyone around your kids for awhile..


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Whatever hobbies you had before it's time to get back into them.Look up meetup.com in your area.It is not a dating site but just a place for like minded individuals to get together and hike,cycle,take photographs etc.You will find it easier to meet someone genuinely interested in you this way rather than dating sites.Try volunteering at a local charity,maybe you have skills that people who may be down on their luck could use and the people you meet at these charities are likely to be similarly unattached.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The key to meeting people is to get involved in activities that bring you meaning/joy. In those activities you'll expand your social circle and meet new people and they'll naturally want to set you up with their single friends if they know you are looking. OLD is fine, if you want to do it but there are far more men than women on there, so you'll have a harder time meeting a quality woman (it's all supply vs. demand). 

Dating at 40 is so much easier than dating at 20 if you are a man because the balance of power has shifted quite a bit and most men have developed far more confidence/experience than they had in their 20's. If you are a decent looking guy, that keeps in shape, and has made something of his life then you'll have no problem finding plenty of women to date. If you aren't as I described then improve on yourself. Trust me, a good guy is a rarity and there are plenty of women who will jump at the opportunity to be with one.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Thanks for the advice! I would consider myself a good guy and a pretty decent catch, but I've never been good at "advertising" my qualities. I would not call myself shy...but definitely reserved and often too humble for my own good.

...and I do know how to cook!

In all honesty, I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I'm also not looking for a hook up. I really just want to meet someone who I can spend time with. If something comes from that, great...but I don't want to sweat it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Edo Edo said:


> I was an only child of divorced parents. Here's some gold for you:
> 
> 1. Parks / Playgrounds. Go for a walk with your kids. Especially on weekends (but even weekdays too), you will see mothers with kids EVERYWHERE. Don't feel embarrassed about sitting down on a bench to organize a bag of toys, diaper bag, pads/helmets (not sure exactly how old your kids are) and striking up a conversation with someone. It's surprising how non threatening a man with a baby carriage can be. Even if you don't meet someone single right away, chances are you will eventually meet some "regulars" at the park/playground who have single friends in the same boat you are in.
> 
> ...


Golden!!! However, in a relationship don't do more than your share. 50% if you're smart


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Good advice here. Mainly don't take yourself or OLD too seriously. I'm fact don't take either serious at all. Go out and have fun. Make mistakes, learn from them and keep moving forward.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Surfer Joe said:


> I have 2 young kids who I share custody/placement of 50/50.
> 
> Any advice? Should I look at online dating again?


I was in the same boat. Mid 30s, two young kids, and feeling long in the tooth.

Dating, even OLD, is super easy if you meet some simple criteria:

1) You have a normal BMI and go to the gym a few times a week.

2) You have a job, a home, and just in general not a loser with no prospects.

3) You aren't short. If I had a nickel for every woman on OLD who asked me my height.

(I'm 5'11" by the way and they all seemed very relieved with that response)



Surfer Joe said:


> I just feel like I have a lot more miles in the tank.


No one you are going to meet in your age group is not going to have baggage. 

So don't worry about it. Just avoid the bitter and jaded ones and/or the man hating types.


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