# Am I being reasonable?



## anneb24 (Mar 30, 2020)

Please be nice. I'm already in this situation. 

I have been married for almost 2 yrs (this Nov) and am unhappy and contemplating divorce. The sad part is that a year before I got married, I was already regretting it. You see, I am Armenian, and did not like men of my culture. I was dating outside the race, and my parents were not having it. I did my own thing, but every so often their disapproval would creep up and upset me. Needless to say, I gave up, and basically dated and married the first Armenian guy (my now husband) to take interest in me. He is a very nice, polite, hard-working guy. He is also a lawyer who works all the time. I am alone in this marriage, and knowing I went into it half-assed, it just got worse, it didn't get better or convince me that I did the right thing. He is somewhat inexperienced w women (as I have come to learn), and needs help knowing that he has a wife who needs attention too. In the last 1.5 yrs of our marriage, we have gone grocery shopping together twice, and never even to the mall. We only TRY to have a date night maybe once a month and on a Saturday, so if I am working one of those Saturdays, we just don't.. 

It's to a point where we have sex once a month, and it feels like a chore. I have brought all of this to his attention. When he kisses me in the day, its on the cheek, never tries to be sexual or anything to make me feel desirable. I brought up an example where Id like for him to grab my butt sometimes, and it's the ONLY thing he does now, almost like if I said I want my nose picked, it's the only thing he would do. I am at my wit's end. I am 30, he is 34. And I have actually, after several several mentions of this to him, we decided that if we cant make it work by the end of this year, we will divorce amicably. I am living a comfortable life, hes a lawyer, I'm a nurse, but it's perpetually boring and nothing to look forward to. I spend my days off out and about doing my own thing, and when I get home, it is usually in bed by 7pm. 

More than that, it's my parents who are having these panic attacks of the thought of my divorcing, so I honestly feel like I'm keeping this ****ing marriage together just for them.

I havent been sexually attracted to my husband in almost a year now, and how can I be when he sleeps on the couch (because according to him, he wakes up early for his work from home), and only sleeps in the bed w me once a week? He never enlightens me or teaches me anything new, so I am very alone in this marriage. I cant imagine the rest of my life being this way. As much as I wanted kids before, I don't anymore. Not even a little. What do you think I could do? 

I was thinking if I divorce, to do it quietly away from my parents, and get an apt. I dont know how to ignite that spark. I married for the wrong reasons and hes a great guy, but not the guy for me. Even though he says he is trying now, I can't seem to be into it anymore.

I'm so sorry that this is long, I am very lost these days. Very depressed, very hopeless.


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

It sounds like both of you have exited the marriage mentally, emotionally and sexually. I understand that the decision to marry and keep up the appearance of the marriage was partly cultural too. I get that because I’m from a similar culture too. It’s good you don’t have kids yet. That makes it a little easier. 

It’s not your parents who have to live your life. It’s you. And you are only 30. Imagine another 30-40 years like this. That’s going to be tough. Whatever you decide, do it for yourself and your husband. Not for your family. They will be gone one day and you will have to live with the choices you make. 

I’ll let the more seasoned members of this forum advise you further on this.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sounds like a lot of miscommunication and no communication. If you can’t make it work by the end of the year, you’ll divorce amicably? It doesn’t really seem like you're trying to make it work now. What do you expect to change under the current conditions? I don’t know what your husband, would say, but your post seems to come from a place of having given up.

I wouldn’t advise staying or going but I would advise honesty, with him and with yourself. Lack of physical intimacy is a real killer but in other aspects your marriage seems fixable if you want to go that way. You don’t seem to be suffering financial problems. There doesn’t seem to be any infidelity.

There are things you want him to do for you. What would he say is missing? Since you’ve talked about it, what’s his feedback or state of mind? Making it work requires work. Neither of you seem to be doing any work according to your post. Absent that work, what are you waiting for?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

anneb24 said:


> we decided that if we cant make it work by the end of this year, we will divorce amicably.


As noted above, it doesn't sound like you are trying to make anything work or that you even want it to. 



anneb24 said:


> I brought up an example where Id like for him to grab my butt sometimes, and it's the ONLY thing he does now,


This is him trying to make you happy by doing what you asked. I don't think he knows what else to do. You might need to tell him/show him.

I'm sorry things are hard, but I say get real open and real honest and start making changes. Or, if you are really done just leave now instead of dragging it out for several more months.


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## Faris2005 (Aug 4, 2021)

anneb24 said:


> Please be nice. I'm already in this situation.
> 
> I have been married for almost 2 yrs (this Nov) and am unhappy and contemplating divorce. The sad part is that a year before I got married, I was already regretting it. You see, I am Armenian, and did not like men of my culture. I was dating outside the race, and my parents were not having it. I did my own thing, but every so often their disapproval would creep up and upset me. Needless to say, I gave up, and basically dated and married the first Armenian guy (my now husband) to take interest in me. He is a very nice, polite, hard-working guy. He is also a lawyer who works all the time. I am alone in this marriage, and knowing I went into it half-assed, it just got worse, it didn't get better or convince me that I did the right thing. He is somewhat inexperienced w women (as I have come to learn), and needs help knowing that he has a wife who needs attention too. In the last 1.5 yrs of our marriage, we have gone grocery shopping together twice, and never even to the mall. We only TRY to have a date night maybe once a month and on a Saturday, so if I am working one of those Saturdays, we just don't..
> 
> ...


I am very sorry to hear this story, I think in this case, you must get separated from your husband. Even your parents will be unhappy, I am sure you will get the proper husband, you still very young.
Please, update me with any new information 
Thanks


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