# Perimenopause/menopause and the female brain



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

An interesting post on a blog from a 55 year old woman and how the menopause changed her perspective on her marriage. Many women I think but up with so much but as Dr Brenzidine in the Female Brain explains the drop in oestrogen often results in a woman who is less inclined to be everything to everyone and starts to put herself first. Is this why we are having more divorces in the 50-60 age group, majority initiated by women? What are your experiences of the perimenopause/menopause? Did it put pressure on your marriage?


https://www.theperimenopauseblog.com/dear-magnolia-im-committed-marriage-not-man-2/


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't know if it's the menopause talking (15 years and counting), but I never stood up for myself until lately. I just thought it was because I only have so many years left.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I've been going through peri-menopause for about 6 years now, so I was divorced prior to any symptoms.

At first I had intense hormonal triggers prior to hot flashes, which has been the hardest part. I've had both hot and cold flashes. I've had night sweats - just at first though. My periods range from 1 to 2 annually - mostly just light and annoying.

So far, I haven't noticed any changes in terms of the way my body responds sexually. Arousal, responsiveness, lubrication - all the same.

It's interesting cause the last man I was dating kind of seemed to kick my body back into gear. 

For the past two years, I've only had one period in the spring. But when I was with him, although we weren't sexually active, the kissing was great, and I had an extra period, plus very light spotting that would come and go.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I will be reading this with interest, since my wife has just hit the menopause and has decided she can't be bothered to have sex with me anymore (some of you might have read my thread...  )


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My second wife did put herself first at some point through peri. She ended up leaving me out of things she was doing. She met other men on a regular basis. She had here brother talk with me about her keeping a boyfriend, but I didn't understand he was talking about her until I put that talk and another which were some time apart and generally along the same lines, together. I thought he was telling me about his life. He wasn't married, yet had several women he would visit, while his steady long term relationship partner had no clue.

Anyway, once she didn't have her period for a year, she calmed down completely. This is menopause. That paragraph above is perimenopause. You can find forums with all or mostly women who discuss what they are going through while being in peri. It isn't pretty. Some don't want sex. Most want it more. Some do other things they didn't do before. 

A friend at work told me his wife went nuts and put them in debt so badly, he wasn't sure they would get out of it by retirement age. He was very concerned. He loves her dearly. They stayed together. 

I'm fairly sure what happens is dependent on the individual, but many women find themselves so horny, they can barely stand it. I believe that is due to the balance between estrogen and testosterone being off. There is not more testosterone. There is less estrogen to balance it. It's pretty similar, from my perspective, to what a boy in puberty goes through. The difference being, the adult woman in her forties can live as she wants. A boy has his mother and/or father telling him stop it and whatever, even though he cannot help what he thinks and feels. He is mostly powerless to do much about it. As it takes about ten or more years to go through puberty and have hormones return to something normal, so it is with peri, as far as I can tell from reading and talking with others. 

I'm not trying to fix anything for you. I am telling you what I found. It's been several years since I read about it, but I was here while I learned and was able to see the effects in threads. I do believe it can contribute to infidelity in some marriages, and some end in divorce. It depends on the individuals. Many marriages, though, have issues already and peri just seems to push something that might be inevitable. I'm not sure.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@Anon Pink knows a great deal about it. I found her explanations to be comforting to my confused and doubting mind. Don't know if she is around. She's a smart cookie.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My wife never had trouble putting herself first (in a healthy way). I’m sure no kids helped with that. 

We were always well matched until menopause totally zapped her libido. It changed the entire sexual dynamic, which of course affected the relationship in general and put pressure on the marriage. Took us a while but we’re good again.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Menopause is brutal, pressure? That is charitable, biggest disappointment of our time together. Young couples should be warned there is a 20%+ (50%?) your sex life will suck after 52-55, have those arguments early cause the clock is ticking.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Menopause was/is a blessing. My mom thought so too. She had a surge in her sex drive.

Just putting that out there to really screw with the cynics


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Menopause was/is a blessing. My mom thought so too. She had a surge in her sex drive.
> 
> Just putting that out there to really screw with the cynics


One year after her last period?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> Menopause was/is a blessing. My mom thought so too. She had a surge in her sex drive.
> 
> Just putting that out there to really screw with the cynics



Hey, if it worked out for you great. Not here, we've worked through some stuff but it has been a years long slog and there are no surges of libido involved other than about 2 or 3 weeks around age 49:wtf:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

https://www.everydayhealth.com/menopause/post-menopause.aspx



> According to the Mayo Clinic, menopause is diagnosed after your body goes 12 months without a period. While menopause can happen in your late 30s, 40s or 50s, the average age is around 51.
> After menopause, it is important to get regular physical exams and checkups with your physician, because a woman’s risk of certain more serious health conditions may escalate with the loss or decline of estrogen, including:
> Cardiovascular diseases (heart and blood vessel)
> Osteoporosis (weakening of the bones)
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Here are 10 basic facts about menopause women should know:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

It still sounds all about a woman's "feelings", which did change. But she stays because he's useful? My wife was very abusive for a time. I can't forgive her for all things part, but we're happy together (I think, lol). It's a bargain we reached together. I can't know if she would have done the same, but here we are. What is her commitment to her family, to herself? Being happy to be sure, but feelings change, even for the positive. Most marriages which end in divorce, do so at the woman's choice and there are always reasons, some justified, some just out of boredom or the realization that he is more of a burden at this time, not being able to consider the times that being married was a burden for him, but he stuck it out and hopes the years of effort pay off with happiness at the end.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My mom went through menopause at 48. I know at 68 they were still going strong. I haven't asked lately; Dad has Parkinson's and dementia.

I think menopause probably amplifies or continues what was already there....or Wasn't already there.

Since my parents have always loved and respected each other and valued the marriage, they weathered whatever bumps they had. Mom worked hard to be a good wife. And dad didnt expect her to become a frigid shrew.

Apparently grownups with a loving attitude and already strong relationship to fine.

Cynics who are already dubious about the gender they married, predictably.......dont.

Unless menopause is extreme or causes other health problems, I would guess most people dint consider it the end of life as they know it.

I do know my ex-mil became a racing banshee....but they already had a weird marriage.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I think menopause probably amplifies or continues what was already there....or Wasn't already there.


Drive-wise that was certainly not the case for my wife. That’s why her going from 100mph to 10mph was so difficult. Our good communication did continue, and it was needed. That and we both continued to care about and actually give a crap about each other.



personofinterest said:


> Unless menopause is extreme or causes other health problems, I would guess most people dint consider it the end of life as they know it.


And for most (most, not all) women it’s not a medical “condition”, it’s part of normal life. 

Sorry about your dad, that’s rough.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I agree it does affect the marriage and now I understand why communication is so important in a marriage. All women are different and I have read that sex really takes a toll on most but then other women want it more which explains the 'cougars'! My friend friends claims that she still wants sex 5 days a week at 56. Some husbands can't deal with a sexless marriage or even the moods so they divorce and then I have heard that many mature women want to take charge of their own life not wanting to be bothered with the husband anymore (too much work) and kids are gone so they divorce. Men can also experience menopause.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

cc48kel said:


> I agree it does affect the marriage and now I understand why communication is so important in a marriage. All women are different and I have read that sex really takes a toll on most but then other women want it more which explains the 'cougars'! My friend friends claims that she still wants sex 5 days a week at 56. Some husbands can't deal with a sexless marriage or even the moods so they divorce and then I have heard that many mature women want to take charge of their own life not wanting to be bothered with the husband anymore (too much work) and kids are gone so they divorce. Men can also experience menopause.


Communication is vital, yet sex is one area where many women don't want to talk for fear of losing the respect of their husband. All women are different and one might just end up wanting to provide for a long term parnter's needs. She may also want to avoid osteoporosis and the pain of a dry netherworld. HRT would reduce these and other symptoms which are natural for most, if not all women, and uncomfortable at best. The icing on the cake is, the addition of estrogen might cause her to desire her mate more. 

This thread isn't about men, though a thread in the men's clubhouse would not be undesirable. If communication is the key, then understanding each other better, is the goal.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Hint:
If you dont like your wife, you probably won't enjoy menopause.

If you dont like women in general....

You might BE in menopause lol

I know many good men whose wives never decided "they didnt want to be bothered with husbands anymore." I wonder what the common denominator was...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Hint:
> If you dont like your wife, you probably won't enjoy menopause.
> 
> If you dont like women in general....
> ...


The first sentence I agree with, but it isn't about like. It's more about natural attraction, and also, respect given and received. 

If you don't like women in general, you might be gay, if a man. If you don't respect them, you might not trust them. If you don't trust them, you might not be interested. If you don't have a natural attraction for women in general, but do for certain women, you might just be something other than a cad. If you respect yourself, as a man, you may not want to sleep with just any woman... even when you are horny and lack companionship. 

I believe those women have found a man they can respect and admire. I believe they have mutual, natural attraction. I believe they have accepted their lives as the best for them and do not dwell on the tough times. 

I believe the common denominators are respect, admiration, and a natural attraction that cannot be denied and is as confusing as it is inescapable.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Is that mutual natural attraction even possible for women after their final period? I don't know. It seems as though it is more of a pity type thing in conjunction with a payment for long term good treatment and accepted responsibilities which a husband or long term partner has repeatedly and consistently performed well. However, I don't see the attraction, desire or need for her husband as was probably present in the early stages of the relationship or marriage. Now, that doesn't mean there is no desire to please the man, but it mean there will likely be less emotional connection within and throughout the acts of love making. Can it then be called lovemaking? I'm not sure.

I do not believe this is common to all marriages. I do believe it may not feel as emotionally fulfilling, unless the couple has lived through a lifetime of troubles and conquered them together. I feel very cynical about this. I don't like that. It is how I feel about these things at this time.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

My friends wife is a very rare case and had it twice. She hadn't had a period in years and was symptom free when all of a sudden she started having periods again and raging mood swings. She started becoming hyper jealous, almost paranoid. She'd show up at the office screaming at all the women to stop trying to "steal her man" and quit sleeping with him and various other rants. Mind you one of the women who worked for us was her own daughter and she got the rants too. She almost lost her own job because of the outbursts she'd have.

I'll never forget the look on his face when he was telling me she was going thru it again and his quote "I survived it once what did I ever do to deserve a second round?" Doctors confirmed she was going thru it again and when they suggested treatments to help with symptoms her response was no man will control me with drugs. Round 2 lasted about 9 months and disappeared as quickly as it resurfaced but what a ride it was. 

My brothers wife has hot flashes to extreme. Summers are misery to her now and you'll find her sitting on the porch at home in winter, 0-10 degrees, in shorts and tshirt trying to cool down. My brother has the cheapest heat bills the last 2 winters. 

The peri symptoms where becoming more obvious in my ex and I'm sure played a large role in the new version she has become. 

Other friends of mine wives/gf have gone thru with very little as far as symptoms. It's a complete wildcard as no two people experience it the same.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

How long do these crazy mood swings/hot flashes last?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> How long do these crazy mood swings/hot flashes last?


I dunno. I haven't really had them much.

My mom had hot flashes for a year or so.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Variable, my wife's hot flashes were around 10 years. Mood swings, not so much. Horny phase, 2 weeks 1/2 way through.


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

Thanks for posting this. I want to read this and look more into it. I do have a question . If my wife is at or close to the very beginning stages of perimenopause/menopause should i say something or say something if/when she gets this i would like to be there for her? She is 47 and i say a little overweight does not exercise. She was trying to diet some months ago and eating better but stop. Now after we split up she is not eating very good from what the kids said. On her periods she has that birth control that goes in her and there for a few yrs so she does not have them. Not sure of the name. Thanks


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

changingmale said:


> Thanks for posting this. I want to read this and look more into it. I do have a question . If my wife is at or close to the very beginning stages of perimenopause/menopause should i say something or say something if/when she gets this i would like to be there for her? She is 47 and i say a little overweight does not exercise. She was trying to diet some months ago and eating better but stop. Now after we split up she is not eating very good from what the kids said. On her periods she has that birth control that goes in her and there for a few yrs so she does not have them. Not sure of the name. Thanks


No. You need to leave her alone like she asked.


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