# Just found out...



## waves (Feb 22, 2013)

Hello. I am new here. I am engaged and my wedding is three months away. My fiancee recently bought a home and we have begun moving in. We both work very long hours. He works shift work with lots of overtime opportunities. We have an amazing relationship, or at least we did. I never questioned his love for me, I could see it in his eyes. It is (or was) the best relationship I have ever been in. Recently, after buying the house, he was picking up a lot of overtime (which is not uncommon. He is a very hard worker). Lately, however I have been worried that he wasn't always at work. I picked up his last three bank statements and found charges for restaurants and a hotel that I know I was not at. I did confront him and he immediately came clean. He said he tried telling me once before, but lost his nerve. He also said the other woman knew about me. He said they went out a few times, and they did have sex. I asked the obvious questions...why did it happen? When did it start? Is it over? Can I see your phone? What did I do to make you do this? Did you feel guilty? Etc. He answered everything honestly and I do believe him. And, I know that this is not my fault. I do want to work it out because I love him. He is guilt ridden beyond belief, as he should be. I'm very hurt, disgusted, emotional, angry and in a general state of disbelief. If anyone has any advice on how I can move past this it would be greatly appreciated. I do want to marry him. I do want to make this work and I do want to learn to trust him again. Right now I just don't know how, or even where to begin. Please help.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sorry you are here.
In my opinion you should postpone the wedding. This is a terrible way to start married life. You need a lot longer than 3 months to work through this.
My H cheated on me after 17 years of marriage and 3 kids. You've got the chance to walk away from this without too much fallout apart from some heartache.
You serious need to reconsider marrying this guy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

waves, I would agree with daisygirl and take a time out. When a relationship is rocked by infidelity there is no quick fix. I also suggest you read everything you can on this problem before making any decisions. Good luck


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is a very bad sign going into a marriage, but I think you know that. You want advice on how to get past it, but the odds are against you that he will be a faithful husband. Some people are after this sort of behavior, but most are not.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I would agree to put the brakes on the wedding for now. You need to decide if you can get past this and not look over your shoulder for the rest of your life...because you always will to some degree. If you are young, have no kids together, I would give serious thought to calling it a day and moving on. Better now than ten years and three affairs down the road.

He has already shown how he handles stress. The stress level is going to get worse as life/kids/family/job goes on. This is supposed to be the happy time when everything is bliss! Think about it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DO NOT MARRY HIM. Do not postpone the wedding. *Call it off.*

For good.

No no no. Don't do it. Don't marry him. He just showed you WHO HE IS. Believe him. Please. omg.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ask him for a hall pass for you to have a one sided open relationship. You can sleep with any men you want for a set period of time, say 6 months.

No, I don't think he'd agree to that.

So why should you accept him doing it?

As others have said this is a really bad sign. Chances are you two are pretty typical, so your outcome will be pretty typical. And that means he continues to cheat after the wedding.

You really do deserve better than this. There are billions of men on the planet, some of which won't cheat on you!!!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i fear that you're gonna marry this scumbag regardless. 

he's only sorry he got caught. who knows how long this could've gone on.


you'd be making a serious mistake if you went on with the wedding.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Also, if you stay, you show him you don't value yourself more than you value his feelings or whatever.

I speak from experience. Not with cheating, but about LISTENING to someone when they say who they are. It doesn't change.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PLEASE do not marry this person. For him to do this before you are even married is a huge gift. He's telling you he isn't committed to you. He's letting you know that you are facing a lifetime of heartbreak if you marry him. Please do not waste this gift by marrying him. PLEASE


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Good for you for following up on your instincts.
Keep going!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

He never would have come clean on his own, IMO. Plow through this pain, don't marry him. You're future pain will be much worse if you marry him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I too agree that the best course of action should be to call off the wedding.

Look, if you're engaged to someone you each should be crazy for each other and NO ONE ELSE! This wasn't a one night druken stand and he didn't trip and fall and his pen!s fell into her vagina. He pursued her! He got THEM a hotel room!

The level of deceit runs deep with this one


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are not married and I am betting you have not told anyone, you have exposed the A to your family or his. Think and take out your emotion. Three months before you were to take your vows and he cheated. It will happen again the next time yoiu will be married and maybe kids on the way.

Why would you take that chance. At the very least postpone the wedding and get into C with him right away.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And she'll be around for your marriage too.

Unless you want to share your husband, call this off and kick this man to the curb.


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## Manejadora (Feb 18, 2013)

Take it from someone who ignored his friend's and family's advice not to marry the girl because of character flaws, which I refused to listen to. After all, the wedding had been planned, invitations sent. Within a year, she was involved with a co-worker. Quit him now and find someone who really loves you. In the future, if you have a family together it will make this situation that much harder. The only certain thing is that he doesn't respect you enough now; for God's sake don't marry into it.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

PLEASE do not marry him. If he's cheating on you before you're even married, chances are he's not going to change after you're married and will either keep cheating on you or will be cheating on you down the road. No matter what he says or how guilty/remorseful he appears.

You basically have a bullet coming at you in slow motion, fortunately now you can see it, and it's up to you to choose whether to dodge it or not. 

Please dodge it. This man is not who you thought he was. You need to see him for who he is and what he's done rather than how you want to see him and wish he was.

Good luck.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

He has not answered everything honestly....they never do at first. Just dont be surprised. Oh, and my vote? at the very least postpone the wedding.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

stop! if you marry this guy there is pain and heart ache in the future. Move on, oyu will get over it.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I would say the consensus is to postpone/cancel the wedding. 
Im on that wagon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Agreed, take a walk on this one. You are not even married and he is cheating. RUN!!!


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

As hard as it may be I would cancel the wedding and dump him. You may never be able to trust him again completely. You'll be always wondering where he is and/or what he's doing. There is a very high chance he will do it again.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

free pass out of hell, i would take it...........


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He has shown you everything you need to know about himself. Actions speak louder than words. You have so much invested but its time to learn when to stop throwing good money after bad.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

I also agree that you need to at least postpone the wedding because healing takes A LOT of time. I discovered my exH was cheating on me in May 2011. I REALLY wanted to forgive him, stay in the relationship etc.. because I LOVED HIM. We went to MC, we had some really good times in there and then he left me 18 months later because he couldn't take the guilt of what he had done. 

Hopefully my story can save you a very painful heart break in a few months time (never mind the $$ you will have spent actually marrying that guy).


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

waves said:


> Hello. I am new here. I am engaged and my wedding is three months away. My fiancee recently bought a home and we have begun moving in. We both work very long hours. He works shift work with lots of overtime opportunities. *We have an amazing relationship*, *Your perception - if you had such an amazing relationship, he wouldn't have sought out another woman and cheated on you behind your back for the last three months*or at least we did. I never questioned his love for me, *I could see it in his eyes* *Please divest yourself of the fallacy that you can see love in someone's eyes*. It is (or was) the best relationship I have ever been in. Recently, after buying the house, he was picking up a lot of overtime (which is not uncommon. He is a very hard worker). Lately, however I have been worried that he wasn't always at work. I picked up his last three bank statements and found charges for restaurants and a hotel that I know I was not at. I did confront him and he immediately came clean. He said he tried telling me once before, but lost his nerve. He also said the other woman knew about me. He said they went out a few times, and they did have sex. I asked the obvious questions...why did it happen? When did it start? Is it over? Can I see your phone? What did I do to make you do this? Did you feel guilty? Etc. *He answered everything honestly* *How would you know if he answered everything honestly? Please don't say that you could tell by looking into his eyes.*and *I do believe him* *Why do you believe him?*. And, I know that this is not my fault. I do want to work it out because I love him. *He is guilt ridden beyond belief* *How do you know he is guilt-ridden "beyond belief," or even guilt-ridden in the slightest?*, as he should be. I'm very hurt, disgusted, emotional, angry and in a general state of disbelief. *If anyone has any advice on how I can move past this it would be greatly appreciated*. I do want to marry him. I do want to make this work and I do want to learn to trust him again. Right now I just don't know how, or even where to begin. Please help.


Because you didn't post a lot of details, I'm going to make a lot of assumptions here. So if I'm wrong, just ignore this.

Before you found him cheating, you were very excited that all of your hopes and dreams were about to come true. You were going to marry your Prince Charming, who is very handsome, sexy, funny, classy, honest, loving, and hard-working, move into your own little dream house, and begin to live "happily ever after." That's how you felt. NOW, reality is smacking you in the face, trying to tell you that your dream is not real. Please don't go forward with the wedding as if you just had a spat over the new sofa and he told you he lied when he said he liked the furniture in the living room. This is a lot more important than that.

You should postpone your wedding until he can prove himself again. Call the whole thing off, do not set a date until he has proven himself. I know you don't want to do this, because you want to get married, even if it's to a guy who hasn't shown he can be faithful to you.

Call off the wedding. Tell everyone why. You can continue to be engaged, but don't set another wedding date for at least six months. It is obvious that he does not judge the relationship to be as "amazing" as you do.

For the immediate future, check his phone bill and see how often he called/texted her. Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of his car. See if he still is involved with her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It may seem really difficult now but think how much more difficult it would be in 5 or 10 or 20 years down the road when you have children to consider and you find out he's cheating. 

Don't marry him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have NO idea why people are saying to POSTPONE the wedding.

Holy crap. Cancel it. Yesterday.

You don't have an amazing relationship. He was cheating. He had his body part inside another woman while in your amazing relationship.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Waves, how old are you? (Are you even still here?)

Imagine getting 30 years down the road and finding out you've been living a lie the entire time. Imagine you discover he's been cheating over those 30 years.

Now imagine what you would think of yourself for putting yourself in that position.

There is only one answer, which is to move on to someone much better and whom you can love and trust without reservation.


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## waves (Feb 22, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all so much for the advice, stories and wisdom. I did actually tell my friends and family about it right away because I don't keep secrets. 

I wanted to let you all know that the wedding has been cancelled and I have moved out. I have seen all of his cell phone bills for the last 6 months, installed Google Latitude on his phone and have seen all of his bank statements for the last 6 months. We are still speaking and are seeing each other twice a week, but that's it. 

I appreciate all of your insight in this situation. I am sorry we're all on this forum and I wish all of you luck!

Thank you so much for your guidance and help!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Glad to see a follow-up story.

Hope you can find a better fish in the sea!

The big fear is that you end up with someone that has to have you baby-sit his behavior.

Good luck Waves!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

YAY a semi happy story. Replace him with a non defective loyal man.

Fiance v2.0 should be better. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

YOUR AGE?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry you are here, but you made the hard and smart decision in my book. Good Luck!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I get a sense that you might patch it up. That is for you to decide, of course.

Instead of telling you to ditch him totally, let me go off script and say that if you DO try to reconcile, that you get a pre-nup with a section on infidelity.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

waves said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> Thank you all so much for the advice, stories and wisdom. I did actually tell my friends and family about it right away because I don't keep secrets.
> 
> ...


Waves, I'm so glad you made the courageous move to cancel your wedding, that would have been very very hard, but, that alone proves how strong you are and that you respect yourself.
Just one more thing, he wouldn't admit it if you asked him if he used protection or not, so I suggest that you get tested for any STD's...

Waves, you sound like a strong person with high morals, so you deserve the same in a partner.

Sorry that you are here, good luck with everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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