# YOU WERE ALL RIGHT! Husband has been CHEATING!



## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

I am so so sorry I was so naive. You were all right.

He has been cheating with this "Sarah" person. I found messages on Skype between him and friends talking about everything. Even really horrible things about me. He was also talking sexually with other woman. He still won't admit it. Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th! 

I am so disgusted! He has slept with me and her at the same time and it was unprotected with me. I am so broken... Our house and cars are in his name and he says if I don't stop telling everyone he cheated, he is going to take my car away. 

I don't know what to do. He has ruined me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ugg the worst kind of "I told you so" 
I'm so sorry but I am happy you are seeing the truth now and aren't falling for his games anymore. 

Sarah has a bf too? He needs to know. 
He can't "take" your car. You are married. Expose the heck out of the affairs. Get screen shots if you can of the conversations but he likely deleted everything now


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

His denial is one of the biggest piles of manure i'very ever heard.

Anyone who would so boldly and ridiculously lie to try to cover themselves is worth leaving in the long run.

Seek help through friends, church, or women's shelter.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I have not been following your story since I am new here. I am sorry to hear this. Nobody sets up elaborate traps with conversations, etc to see if their spouse trusts them. The fact that he thinks he can get away with such an outlandish lie tells me he has been telling a lot of other lies that you have bought into. 

My husband knew I trusted him, so he would tell me things and I did not question them. In the end, I found out that lying to me had become so easy for him.

I am not sure of the laws in Canada, but you need to get to a solicitor TODAY. In the US, the first 30 minute consultation is free so that you can know what self-protective measures you need to take. If he is threatening you like this, you need to look at your joint accounts and get printouts of their balances. In the US, it does not matter that the truck is in his name if it was purchased with joint marital assets.

Get your personal papers (birth certificate, etc) into a safe place outside the house so he can't destroy them. Get some cash and stash it in a safe place in case you need it. Have a plan for getting away if he gets abusive - always have your purse and keys where you can get them as you run out the door. Always, always have cash. Get a credit card in your own name.

My advice is don't think about the betrayal and lies if you can help it. (there will be time for that, and frankly, you won't be able to stop what comes over you). Right now, though, you have to start using your head. Do NOT engage him in arguments or try to get him to confess. He won't and all it does is tears you down. He has lost the PRIVILEGE of knowing what you think and how you feel and of being near you. My guess from my own experience is that he will use your thoughts and feelings against you somehow anyway. Boundaries, sister, boundaries. Set them up now. 

Good luck. My heart is breaking for you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry I was so naive. You were all right.
> 
> He has been cheating with this "Sarah" person. I found messages on Skype between him and friends talking about everything. Even really horrible things about me. He was also talking sexually with other woman. He still won't admit it. Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!
> 
> ...


Sorry Melissa. The material things can be replaced. His excuse of you making the entries is quite clever....does he believe you are stupid? Dump his butt. Not sure of CA divorce laws. Are marital assets split 50/50?


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ugg the worst kind of "I told you so"
> I'm so sorry but I am happy you are seeing the truth now and aren't falling for his games anymore.
> 
> Sarah has a bf too? He needs to know.
> He can't "take" your car. You are married. Expose the heck out of the affairs. Get screen shots if you can of the conversations but he likely deleted everything now


That was a lie, he said "Sarah" has a boyfriend as part of his web of lies. I have all the screen shots of all the messages. They're disgusting.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Normally it is 50/50 of assets gained within the marriage with some exceptions.

Is property always divided 50 - 50 when separating or divorcing?

Also you are able to skip the 1 year seperation rule when there is cheating.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> That was a lie, he said "Sarah" has a boyfriend as part of his web of lies. I have all the screen shots of all the messages. They're disgusting.


I'm so so sorry. I hope you know this wasn't your fault. I know he's been putting a lot of blame on you lately. That was affair talk. It means nothing. 

Divorce him. He won't change.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Now that you finally know exactly how much of a POS he is, DO NOT let him bully you! HE is the one in the wrong here, NOT YOU. Now you finally understand that you cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I cant believe he tried using that same bullcrap story that he purposely "set you up", what a damn joke. Tell him to go stay with Sarah while you get your next steps planned out. First thing, retain legal help! 

He hasnt ruined you, get out of that defeatist mindset and get PISSED.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry I was so naive. You were all right.
> 
> He has been cheating with this "Sarah" person. I found messages on Skype between him and friends talking about everything. Even really horrible things about me. He was also talking sexually with other woman. He still won't admit it. Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!
> 
> ...


Go speak with a lawyer. He can't do that. I'm sorry. However you are not ruined. Don't give up hope on yourself or your life.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I am SO SORRY you are going though this. My heart also breaks for you... especially when your first post was about making him feel like you do love him, and trying to save your marriage. 

You deserve better than this. Like the others have already stated, no one goes through such an elaborate plan to test if their spouse does indeed trust them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry I was so naive. You were all right.
> 
> He has been cheating with this "Sarah" person. I found messages on Skype between him and friends talking about everything. Even really horrible things about me. He was also talking sexually with other woman. He still won't admit it. Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!
> 
> ...


His threats are hollow, as he's likely VERY limited on what he can "take away" from you.

Either way, get the ball rolling on divorce -- start talking with attorneys TODAY.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> That was a lie, he said "Sarah" has a boyfriend as part of his web of lies. I have all the screen shots of all the messages. They're disgusting.


Turns out that HE is Sarah's boyfriend.

(And like that's ever stopped anyone anyway.)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry I was so naive. You were all right.
> 
> He has been cheating with this "Sarah" person. I found messages on Skype between him and friends talking about everything. Even really horrible things about me. He was also talking sexually with other woman. He still won't admit it. Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!
> 
> ...


*Better late than never! You've been had!

Get yourself to a good family lawyer post haste!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry I was so naive. You were all right.
> 
> He has been cheating with this "Sarah" person. I found messages on Skype between him and friends talking about everything. Even really horrible things about me. He was also talking sexually with other woman. He still won't admit it. Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!
> 
> ...


Melissa, don't let him away with anything, your WH is a POS and is trying to bully you into silence. Do the following;

1. Tell all your family and friends and his family what he is doing. I hope you kept the evidence. He is a right mean B*
2. Go and see a lawyer to see what your rights are in your state, he will have to give you access to the car and house, etc. Start filing for divorce, do not tell him anything
3. Do you work, have you access to finances?
4. Ask one of two friends to be your support during this time
5. Start going out, go to the gym, keep yourself occupied 
6 Go for counselling/look for church counselling if you cannot pay
7. Get STD tested and tell him you are doing so, throw the test on the table
8. Do not have sex with him

Plan to leave him. Tell everyone quickly so he does not have time to rewrite. He is a sick SOB for saying he was trying to set you up, who does that? Noone, you need to get away from him asap but do not leave the house, see a lawyer first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he tries to physically take the car, call the police and report it stolen. It may be in his name, but he'll still go through a ton of **** to get it settled. Meanwhile GET A LAWYER.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> I don't know what to do. He has ruined me.


Don't believe this for a second...

Through his poor choices he has simply made you aware to the level you need to be at. 

Time to make things right... you will get through this and you will be better for it.

Believe in yourself... him, let go.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Melissa, don't let him away with anything, your WH is a POS and is trying to bully you into silence. Do the following;
> 
> 1. Tell all your family and friends and his family what he is doing. I hope you kept the evidence. He is a right mean B*
> 2. Go and see a lawyer to see what your rights are in your state, he will have to give you access to the car and house, etc. Start filing for divorce, do not tell him anything
> ...


He wants to separate too, denies cheating, says I was emotionally abusive and he felt like a slave (not true in the least) He has already moved his stuff to the spare room and put a lock on the spare bedroom door! He says if I tell anyone else he has been cheating he will sue for defamation of character, which he can't because the allegations would have to be false for him to do that. They are so true so he can stop that BS. I live in Ontario, Canada - Divorce here is pretty standard.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

He's trying to scare you. Of course he doesn't want everyone to know he is a cheater- it will ruin a lot of his relationships. 

He can't take your car from you. He is married to you. Both of our vehicles were in my ex-husband's name as well. Guess who is still happily driving the newer car 2 years post divorce? 

Expose him (with your proof) to both sides of the family, and close friends, before he is able to weave a story to make you look like the bad one. If this Sarah woman has a boyfriend or spouse, he needs to find out ASAP as well.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Melissa, you know he is full of ****, right?

Please...please...do not let him bully you.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

go see a lawyer first/take all evidence and important papers you can think of

marriage license
bank statements
pay stubs
bills 

explain everything to the lawyer and then come up with a game plan


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

do not tell him what your doing. do not even argue with him about anything.
put a dead bolt on your bedroom do if things get heated run in there lock the door and call 911


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

First, I am Canadian and live in Ontario. 
He cannot sue for defamation. Even if he could find a lawyer to take his case, the costs of doing so would bankrupt him within the first hour or so. Second, he should have some consequences of his actions. That little warning he gave you speaks volumes. He is deadly afraid to be "outed". Do so as soon as possible. Tell everyone your know. Third, ensure that your proof is rock solid, and ensure that it is safe. Make copies and share them with the affair partners spouse and family. Do not ever reveal your sources. Fourth, get and secure all banking records credit card statements deeds warranties etc etc etc. This forms your finance file, which you will share with your lawyer in order to get settlements underway. 

Keep your eyes on this site. You will find a lot of guidance here. There are a lot of resources here, use them. Beyond that, divorce is pretty straightforward here, so look for a good lawyer, and this bears repeating: Protect yourself.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> That was a lie, he said "Sarah" has a boyfriend as part of his web of lies. I have all the screen shots of all the messages. They're disgusting.


Save then somewhere safe that he can't get to.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> He wants to separate too, denies cheating, says I was emotionally abusive and he felt like a slave (not true in the least) He has already moved his stuff to the spare room and put a lock on the spare bedroom door! He says if I tell anyone else he has been cheating he will sue for defamation of character, which he can't because the allegations would have to be false for him to do that. They are so true so he can stop that BS. I live in Ontario, Canada - Divorce here is pretty standard.


You are dealing with a Narcissist. Prepare yourself!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> He wants to separate too, denies cheating, says I was emotionally abusive and he felt like a slave (not true in the least) He has already moved his stuff to the spare room and put a lock on the spare bedroom door! He says if I tell anyone else he has been cheating he will sue for defamation of character, which he can't because the allegations would have to be false for him to do that. They are so true so he can stop that BS. I live in Ontario, Canada - Divorce here is pretty standard.


Did you keep all the evidence? Pls say you did. Then put in a safe place and then tell him to back off or you will release it all over social media.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am so so sorry to hear this. I know you are in such pain. Time to get angry. Lawyer up. I don't recall, do you guys have joint accounts? You need to get the money issues squared away immediately. I'm afraid he will drain the accounts if they are jointly held. 

And, he is your number one enemy. Treat him as such.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Tell him you want a divorce because he was cheating. OR, if its really true he set up an elaborate trap for you, you want a divorce to avoid living with someone who sets elaborate traps. 





melissa8585 said:


> snip
> 
> Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!
> 
> snip.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

This guy's a real piece of work. Make sure to save the evidence and protect yourself. I have a feeling it's going to get real nasty with his bullying tactics.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@melissa8585, 

In Canada, the divorce process is a little different than here in the USA, but I do know that the laws heavily favor the female party in that child support and alimony laws absolutely favor the ladies. So a couple things to note that are not exactly the same as the USA: 

1) No-fault divorce requires 1 year of separation. He's probably moved into the other bedroom and locked the door so he can continue his affair and to begin the separation period.
2) Adultery is grounds for an at-fault divorce, but you would have to prove it with evidence in a court of law. 

Thus, your husband is blowing smoke if he thinks he will "get to keep everything" and just remove you and insert to OW. He will lose half of his possessions and bank accounts, and will very likely be ordered to pay you spousal support and child support if you have children, AND you will get to keep at least half of all the marital property no matter whose name it's in. 

Second, here is a site that has a step-by-step explanation of the Canadian divorce process: Filing Divorce in Canada: The Steps Involved and Divorce Process

Finally, right now you're mostly in shock. You trusted him to care about you and now it is occurring to you that he is NOT on your team, but is actually actively involved in doing what's best FOR HIM even if it harms you. Thus, from this point forward it would be best for you to figure out what YOU want to do and do that, rather than hoping or wishing that he would do what's best for you. He won't. As much as you want to think: "Oh he would never do that..." please don't fool yourself--he would. 

So here I have put together a little pre-divorce checklist to help you get started on some actions you can take to protect yourself: Leaving an Abusive Spouse Checklist - Affaircare


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

They have only been married less than a year. No spouse support or child support and only assets during the marriage will be split 50/50 BUT that doesn't mean she's screwed. 

OP- are you able to support yourself? I forget now if you work or not.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Did you keep all the evidence? Pls say you did. Then put in a safe place and then tell him to back off or you will release it all over social media.


I did but he is threatening to take my car which is financed under his name as well as the ownership is in his name.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> They have only been married less than a year. No spouse support or child support and only assets during the marriage will be split 50/50 BUT that doesn't mean she's screwed.
> 
> OP- are you able to support yourself? I forget now if you work or not.


We bought our house after we got married, one car just prior but we were common law and one car after. Everything is in his name though. 

I do work, he makes twice as much as me but I am Management at an Insurance Brokerage so I do decently well for myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It doesn't matter, unless Canada has different rules. Here, everything that a married couple accumulates once married belongs to BOTH people.

Have you looked up lawyers yet? You've had all day...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> They have only been married less than a year. No spouse support or child support and only assets during the marriage will be split 50/50 BUT that doesn't mean she's screwed.
> 
> OP- are you able to support yourself? I forget now if you work or not.



Okay these are valuable things to know, but she's still may be due some spousal support due to co-habiting for 3-4 years. @melissa8585 here is a site where you can put in your real information and get an ESTIMATE of what (if any) spousal support you may be due: https://www.mysupportcalculator.ca/ 

In addition, just know that his threats can not be legally enforced. He's making threats to scare you into complying with "doing things his way" and he does NOT want to be outed as the cheater that HE IS, nor does he want you to stand up for yourself. That is to say, he can threaten to paint you blue and make you dance naked...but that doesn't necessarily mean he WILL do that, and even if he tries, you would have rights to protect yourself from his crazy attempts. 

It's okay--this is a VERY shocking day for you and you may not be able to do too much today to protect yourself, but what you can do is look at some of the links and begin to get inform yourself of your rights. 

Here's a site for the Ontario Attorney General about Divorce and Separation: https://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/divorce/
Here's some frequently asked questions about Ontario divorce: https://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/faq.php


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You co-habited before marriage for longer than 12 continuous months with no separation for longer than 90 days during that period. Therefore under the auspices of the CRA (Canada Revenue Agency) you are considered legally married. (We recognize common law marriage as marriage, and the rules are, either after 12 continuous months or upon the arrival of a child) Therefore, anything acquired after the twelfth month is marital property and will have to be divided. Secondarily, I am unclear, does the OP work? Is she financially dependent on the spouse? There would be some considerations if she is unable.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Taxman said:


> You co-habited before marriage for longer than 12 continuous months with no separation for longer than 90 days during that period. Therefore under the auspices of the CRA (Canada Revenue Agency) you are considered legally married. (We recognize common law marriage as marriage, and the rules are, either after 12 continuous months or upon the arrival of a child) Therefore, anything acquired after the twelfth month is marital property and will have to be divided. Secondarily, I am unclear, does the OP work? Is she financially dependent on the spouse? There would be some considerations if she is unable.





melissa8585 said:


> We bought our house after we got married, one car just prior but we were common law and one car after. Everything is in his name though.
> I do work, he makes twice as much as me but I am Management at an Insurance Brokerage so I do decently well for myself.


Now @melissa8585 remember that I am no attorney, and I'm especially not a Canadian attorney! But it sounds to me as if you'd be splitting the equity in the house and both cars. Often people will do this: the house could sell for $300k and our mortgage is $290k so the equity (being SUPER simplistic here) is $10k and you would each get $5k from it. The bad news is, you'd have to sell your house and either rent or use the $5k as a down-payment on your own place, but $5k isn't a lot to start with to finance a house. 

He gets his car...you get your car...but you'd also probably have X number of days (90 days? maybe) to refinance the car in your name and get your own insurance, etc. Maybe his credit was GREAT and yours was medium, but the dealership where you bought the car may be able to help you with refinancing options etc. since it's a divorce situation. 

Your marriage was short, so my guess would be that his ordered support (if any) would be low and for a short time--like $100 a month for 2 years. Thus, you'll probably need to figure out how to live within the means of your salary. Now, that's not the end of the world--being self-sufficient is financially wise!! You are lucky--you have the means to pay for some of life's necessity's with your own paycheck. I'd say, beginning immediately, start looking at your bills, make sure the balances are what you THINK they should be (in other words, they aren't months behind because he's using the money to cheat), and begin to separate your cell on your own plan...and your paycheck in your own bank account, etc. You don't want any of YOUR pay going to fund his adultery! Right?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I did but he is threatening to take my car which is financed under his name as well as the ownership is in his name.


Get a lawyer, asap! Do not him bully you. Then when you have the lawyer threaten him with the law!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Spoons027 said:


> This guy's a real piece of work. Make sure to save the evidence and protect yourself. I have a feeling it's going to get real nasty with his bullying tactics.


Agreed, I see it too.
@melissa8585

I highly recommend getting legal advise as well. You are afraid, shocked, and your husband has no remorse, bullies and intimidates you. Legal advice WILL empower you.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Listen to Affaircare, very very sound advice.
The good news is that your house has appreciated in the current Ontario (GTHA) especially the housing market has been extremely robust. The bad news, I had expected more or less a bubble, but instead a cooling off period is in effect. Houses are staying on the market a little longer than before, but I am advised the pricing is still there. You and your ex stand to profit somewhat. That should make for a softer landing, and you will be funded sufficiently to afford a rental apartment, if not a smaller property. The vehicle will likely be part of a settlement. Start working with a lawyer. Know your rights. He cannot threaten you with penalties of any kind.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Melissa- please be careful. I just remembered you had mentioned your husband is on steroids and side effects of those can be quite harmful. Add to that his anger of being caught and trying to protect his little fantasy world and you could end up in a dangerous situation. 

I'd leave as soon as you can and don't bother talk to him any more. He'll just try to bs you and get angry when it doesn't work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> He wants to separate too, denies cheating, says I was emotionally abusive and he felt like a slave (not true in the least) He has already moved his stuff to the spare room and put a lock on the spare bedroom door! He says if I tell anyone else he has been cheating he will sue for defamation of character, which he can't because the allegations would have to be false for him to do that. They are so true so he can stop that BS. I live in Ontario, Canada - Divorce here is pretty standard.


Make sure that you have the poof (copies of texts, messages, emails, etc) copied to a place that he cannot get to. You might very well be able to use that legally to help you in the divorce.

Plus if he starts telling people that you are lying about his cheating, you can show them the evidence (copies only as you keep originals safe).

Remember that when controlling people lose control over you, they start trying to control how others think of you. So he's might very well start lying to others about you and telling others that you made this all up. So use that evidence if you need to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> I did but he is threatening to take my car which is financed under his name as well as the ownership is in his name.


This is why you need to talk to a lawyer. You need to find out if you still can get the car and your part of the equity in the house. You might be able to because he used martial income to make payments on the house, right?

Also, see about what we call interim alimony here. That's alimony (spousal support) paid to the lower income spouse until the divorce is final. Even if you cannot get any support after the divorce, he might have to help you during the divorce. That way you can get on your feet. 

With the car, they often make sure that each spouse gets a car when there are 2 cars. does not matter whose name is on what.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Melissa, don't waste time. Get a lawyer.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

Just caught up with this (and had a quick look at your other posts to get some background).

First off, let me say how sorry I am that you have found yourself in this situation. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

Second, take the advice given by everyone here. Lawyer up, get evidence, protect yourself.

I expect your next post to be about how it went with the lawyers.

Third, I wish you the best of luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> I did but he is threatening to take my car which is financed under his name as well as the ownership is in his name.


Well, so what? Go buy your own car. Maybe he wont be able to keep up payments on both by himself and manages to destroy his credit... not your problem any more.

HE is the one in the wrong, stop losing sight of that. HE is the one who cheated and destroyed the marriage.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

I still have to live with him. We are being civil. He asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything as I am so emotionally drained. Can't eat, barely sleeping - He sees it. I am unsure at this point if it is just pity or if he actually cares.

I'm trying to be strong but it is hard.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It gets better if you take ACTION.

Have you called a lawyer yet and set up an appointment just so you'll know what you're entitled to?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Melissa, find your anger. He has been lying straight to your face for HOW LONG?? He has endangered your health by possibly exposing you to STD's. Find your anger, it will get you and keep you moving, and wont allow you to be swayed by his bullsh!t.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

When is your lawyer appointment?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I still have to live with him. We are being civil. He asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything as I am so emotionally drained. Can't eat, barely sleeping - He sees it. I am unsure at this point if it is just pity or if he actually cares.
> 
> I'm trying to be strong but it is hard.


Melissa, you have to rise up, find your fighter and garner enough inner strength to move forward. Stop the wallowing and 'oh woe is me'. In the long run you will be much better off without this kind of man. Imagine after one year he is pulling this crap on you, you should be taking this opportunity to run and never look back.
Go get that lawyer, what are you waiting for, why are you even entertaining the narcissist? He is probably getting some perverse pleasure out of pretending to care, and having you right where he wants you. How can a man who cheats on you, then ask you are you ok, cant you see the perversity in this? You need to remove yourself asap.

Do the 180, emotionally detach, no communication, no nothing for him, no cooking, cleaning, etc. Do not talk to him, tell him anything, etc. GET A LAWYER then get some IC.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> I still have to live with him. We are being civil. He asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything as I am so emotionally drained. Can't eat, barely sleeping - He sees it. I am unsure at this point if it is just pity or if he actually cares.
> 
> I'm trying to be strong but it is hard.


What support do you have in your real life? Are there people you can talk to and go to for help? Any family or friends? It's time for you to reach out to them if you have not already.

The way you feel is normal. Just know that. It will take you some time to get your strength back. So be gentle with yourself. Take extra care of yourself. You might want to see a doctor about getting some antidepressants to take for a while. They won't dope you up. Instead they will clear your head so that you can deal with this.

Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you need to interact with your husband from now on. If he shows concern for you, it's only because he thinks that serves him. His lies about doing all this just as a game to set you up are very disturbing. I agree with the person who said that it's become pretty clear that he has probably been lying to you for a long time.. this is just the tip of the iceberg. So do the 180 to separate yourself from his manipulation.

The 180 will help you handle your situation and help you heal a lot faster.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I wouldn't discuss it with him any longer, you have proof, and I'd seek out a good attorney. He sounds horrible, and emotionally abusive, thus the 'crazy making' that he's trying to do to you by making it look like you're the one who set him up. Sorry you find yourself here!!


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> I still have to live with him. We are being civil. He asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything as I am so emotionally drained. Can't eat, barely sleeping - He sees it. I am unsure at this point if it is just pity or if he actually cares.
> 
> I'm trying to be strong but it is hard.


Careful.

This sounds like he's trying to keep you right where he wants you - under his control.

I will say this though, if you're not eating or sleeping, this is going to affect your reasoning. Get whatever help you can. Go to the doctors, go sleep at a trusted friend or family member's place for a day or two so that you can get your head together.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

@melissa8585

Now that you see this forum has a ton of experience in these matters, please calm down. They will help you. They feel what you feel. Experienced what you going through right now. 

Take what these fine folks have to offer. Judge their advice against your situation and what you want to do. 

It's your life. Settle down, make yourself some hot green tea and start strategy towards your goals. 

Plan. What is it you want. Your husband? A fresh start? Date more? Find a decent guy who won't cheat?

What do you want right now? Where do you want to be in 3 and 5 years. It starts today.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> He wants to separate too, denies cheating, says I was emotionally abusive and he felt like a slave (not true in the least) He has already moved his stuff to the spare room and put a lock on the spare bedroom door! He says if I tell anyone else he has been cheating he will sue for defamation of character, which he can't because the allegations would have to be false for him to do that. They are so true so he can stop that BS. I live in Ontario, Canada - Divorce here is pretty standard.


Get ready for the roller coaster. To keep your sanity, assume everything he says is an outright lie or highly twisted. He seems like the type to invent a reality in his head and believe it, so you probably won't be able to convince him otherwise. Don't waste a lot of time trying to get him to see your point of view. Also, his past behavior demonstrates that he is highly manipulative and will likely try similar tricks going forward. You need to look out for yourself and do what's right for you.

BTW, since you're in Canada, you might want to try our sister website: www.talkabootmarriage.com


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

melissa8585 said:


> I still have to live with him. We are being civil. He asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything as I am so emotionally drained. Can't eat, barely sleeping - He sees it. I am unsure at this point if it is just pity or if he actually cares.
> 
> I'm trying to be strong but it is hard.


This part is important, but not for what you think. Use this temporary weakness of his in your favor and talk about amicably ending things. You need your car. You need to sell the house you two bought and split any equity you can get from it. You really don't want to be married to someone who doesn't respect marriage vows. You need to lawyer up, but at the same time work on getting what you need from this dead marriage. He didn't ruin you. He is teaching you some very valuable lessons for you future. Live and learn as that is about the only positives you will get from his cheating arse! Thank your lucky stars you didn't have children with this piece of work!


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> I still have to live with him. We are being civil. *He asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything as I am so emotionally drained.* Can't eat, barely sleeping - He sees it. I am unsure at this point if it is just pity or if he actually cares.
> 
> I'm trying to be strong but it is hard.


I signed up to respond to this since I ran across your threads while researching an unrelated question, and followed along. This comment, specifically, sets off alarms.

Please consider that this behavior is typical of narcissistic abuse. He knows he's gone far enough that he's in danger of losing control of his victim, but also that you are emotionally shattered. He will "hoover" or "lovebomb" you until you're convinced to stay because it's the path of least resistance. He has obviously been playing this game with you all along and it's only now that you've finally spotted the tip of the iceberg. There is ten times more under the surface that you don't know about, because that's how that personality type works.

He is reacting to a perceived danger to himself, not a danger to you. He will make an effort to convince you that he has changed or that you're being dramatic and that it really isn't as bad as you thought it was. This is not the same thing as making a genuine effort to change or it really not being as bad as you thought it was. Everyone here is telling you to get out for a reason, and I hope you'll listen. You will not outmaneuver this person into being what you want him to be, because he is simply very good at lying to you.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

UPDATE

I can not tell you how different everything is. 

He apologized endlessly, came with me to counselling, cried, and has done a complete 180. He says he made a giant mistake and realizes what he did was horrible. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Says he felt we lost our connection and we didn't talk and he was weak. 

He completely ended it with the other woman and blocked her. He has allowed me to put a finger print on his phone, I can look at it when ever I want. He has given me all passwords as well. 

He has put in 1000% effort and has been very patient while I learn to trust him again. 

He says he will never ever allow that to happen ever again. Says he can't stress enough how horrible he felt for what he did, says he was a complete idiot and realizes what he has and will never ever take it for granted again. Says he is the luckiest man alive that I am even willing to give him a second chance. 

I have changed too. I am more understanding and compromising. We communicate very effectively now. We have date nights and we spend a lot of time together. I firmly believe we are the love of each others lives and meant to be together. 

I know what happened was a lesson. We have both grown as a couple and as people. I know a lot of people say once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater but if you knew him and his actions now, I think you would have the some hope and faith I have.

The counselor said we are doing everything right and she says we seem very much in love and looks like we can get passed this and have a very happy life together. Slowly but surely each day it gets better and easier so we shall see...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I like it, but please come back in 4 more months and tell us if it's still sticking. I am very skeptical. Most fakers can put up an amazing act for a few months, but not 6.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> I like it, but please come back in 4 more months and tell us if it's still sticking. I am very skeptical. Most fakers can put up an amazing act for a few months, but not 6.


I understand. I have known him for long enough to know when he is being genuine, I get an extremely genuine feel from him, I am still keeping my guard up though. Going in with an open mind but still have my eyes and ears open. So far so good. We shall see.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I didn't mean he's not genuine. He believes it. Now. I mean that he's not undergone a deep enough conversion to REALLY change deep enough to never go back to what he was. And lots and lots of counseling.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It's a great sign that he's doing all the right things. It means he's on the right path. But there's a difference between "I'll never cheat again" and "I'll never cheat as long as things are good between us." So stay hopeful and optimistic, but also be aware that backsliding is always a possibility.

It's kind of like someone who has a addiction problem. They might go to rehab and be totally, honestly, and in their heart committed to staying clean, but then it's not so easy when they get back to the real world. When the usual stresses of life come back, they often return to their old habits. It's not unusual to have many slipups on the way to true recovery.

I'm very happy to hear this news and I honestly hope for the best. Just keep an eye open going forward--especially when times are tough--to make sure he stays on the path of recovery.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I will not take away that which you seek dearly: Hope.


Good luck!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

melissa8585 said:


> I can not tell you how different everything is.
> 
> He apologized endlessly, came with me to counselling, cried, and has done a complete 180.





melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry *I was so naïve.* You were all right.





melissa8585 said:


> He says he made a giant mistake and realizes what he did was horrible. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Says he felt we lost our connection and we didn't talk and he was weak.





melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry *I was so naïve.* You were all right.





melissa8585 said:


> He completely ended it with the other woman and blocked her. He has allowed me to put a finger print on his phone, I can look at it when ever I want. He has given me all passwords as well.
> 
> He has put in 1000% effort and has been very patient while I learn to trust him again.





melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry *I was so naïve.* You were all right.





melissa8585 said:


> He says he will never ever allow that to happen ever again. Says he can't stress enough how horrible he felt for what he did, says he was a complete idiot and realizes what he has and will never ever take it for granted again.





melissa8585 said:


> I am so so sorry *I was so naïve.* You were all right.





melissa8585 said:


> Says he is the luckiest man alive that I am even willing to give him a second chance.


He's so lucky he found someone so naïve that she would actually believe a narcissistic sociopath like himself.



melissa8585 said:


> I have changed too. I am more understanding and compromising. We communicate very effectively now. We have date nights and we spend a lot of time together. I firmly believe we are the love of each others lives and meant to be together.


You poor thing. You really need to find new counselor to give you the strong individual therapy you need for your naiveté.



melissa8585 said:


> I know what happened was a lesson. We have both grown as a couple and as people. I know a lot of people say once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater but if you knew him and his actions now, I think you would have the some hope and faith I have.
> 
> The counselor said we are doing everything right and she says we seem very much in love and looks like we can get passed this and have a very happy life together. Slowly but surely each day it gets better and easier so we shall see...


Just sweeping some dirt under a rug. Nothing to see here. Gonna go stick my head back into the sand. La la la la!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let's not forget: 


> He says if I tell anyone else he has been cheating he will sue for defamation of character


Narcissists, if he truly is one, care about one thing above all else: their reputation. Just sayin'.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

melissa8585 said:


> Says the messages were set up for me to find to see if I didn't trust him and if I was "stalking his life" - as if I would believe that as these messages have gone on from July 5th!


This is just the weakest **** ever.... He's not even a good liar and NOW you think he's telling you the truth?!? 

Never mind what's wrong with him. What's wrong with YOU?!? You got some hardcore denial issues going on.



melissa8585 said:


> he says if I don't stop telling everyone he cheated, he is going to take my car away.


Is he your daddy or your husband? He's at the very least a controlling ***hole. 

I'm not gonna sit here and applaud your "progress" cause that's not doing you any favors. 

He's a POS scumbag and you need to spend some time AWAY from him so you can see it. 

You live in a THICK mental fog of naiveté. You need someone, anyone to wake you the hell up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Saw this one coming.. I KNEW he would be able to sucker you into staying with him. I don't buy this for a minute, I'm sorry. I am with BetrayedDad on this.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

so schedule a polygraph.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> UPDATE
> 
> I can not tell you how different everything is.
> 
> ...


Puke!


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Be very very careful. He is trying to save his ass. I know of which I speak. Narcissistic behavior to the core. It’s better now because he’s playing games with your head. It would still not hurt to have a lawyer ready to go. My mister nice guy lasted from Feb to April before he raised his ugly head.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@melissa8585
Husbands that have acted like yours can change...but only with help...odds are against this however.

If he was showing Narcissistic tendencies.....these are part of who he is and despite being able to turn them on and off to suit him, they are still lurking below the surface. It’s only been a few months.....he is on his best behaviour because he knew he was losing you, this could go on for quite a few months.

DO NOT let your guard down. When things settle down and back to normal.....he will show his true colours. 
You may be one of the lucky ones...I hope for your sake you are.

And a Narcissist ( not saying he is) will know what to say to manipulate the marriage counsellor to be on his side, and say all the right things to pull the wool over his/her eyes. Pay attention when you are there together...you may not be getting the best help you could be.

Seriously think very hard before deciding to have children with this man. If he is a Narcissist he will resent any time and attention taken away from him and onto your children. Your children will suffer if this happens ..... Regardless of whether he cheats again or not...Narcissism is all about them and he will make your life a living hell when he realizes he has to share you with children....Children deserve 2 healthy parents.

Please don’t be naive enough to think 6 months of good behaviour on his part will be all it takes to show he is “cured”.
I hope you are on the positive side of the small percentage of men that have acted like this in their marriages and shown remorse and held themselves accountable for their atrocious behaviour.

People only change if they want to and feel they have done wrong ....otherwise it will be all for their own advantage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> I understand. I have known him for long enough to know when he is being genuine, I get an extremely genuine feel from him, I am still keeping my guard up though. Going in with an open mind but still have my eyes and ears open. So far so good. We shall see.


Yeah, and before you knew him enough that you KNEW he wouldn't cheat.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Time will tell if it's real. But never again trust him the way you once did. You got burned. Remember it.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Did not follow the story but sorry you have to go through this, no one deserves that kind of deceit. Now you can find someone worth your time and effort. Don't be scared of the empty threats, seek help from lawyers, family and friends. Stay strong!!!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I see a train acomming its comming round the bend.

Better keep your eyes open.and a lawyer on speed dial. Start saving some cash on the side.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

Please keep us posted with updates. The majority of these truly remorseful men do a 180, do everything they need to in saving their marriage, only to cheat again in a couple years or less. Read Chump Lady.com for stories. Some women waste decades thinking their spouse changed and it turns out he ended it with one affair partner, gave all access to his wife to his phone, emails she knew of (most cheaters have a bunch of hidden email accounts) only to start up with a completely new women years later and would only use their work emails to communicate with her so the wife didn't learn of his new affair. These women all thought their husbands were amazing to them and did all the work to save their marriage, only to find out it was all a facade. You don't want to hear this but he's going to cheat again... just a matter of time. Be prepared.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I'm sorry to jump on a thread that might be best left alone, but I took a break from this site of a few months, and I remembered Melissa's story from before she knew her husband was cheating, and I wanted to check what had happened. Anyway, I might be asking nobody, but Melissa, you mentioned in your first posts that your husband was taking steroids, and I wonder if he stopped? Did that cause the change in his behaviour? I have known a few very "alpha males" (yawn), I'm not saying your husband is one, but in my experience an excess of manliness can lead to some quite disturbing and almost always self-absorbed behaviour. 

I hope whatever is going on now is working for you, anyway.


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