# Am I really paranoid or intuitive?



## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

My husband has expressed an innocent enough sort of "respect" and "admiration" for this woman at our children's school a couple of years ago. Since then our families have become closer. Although I don't think she wants to necessarily be with my husband, I do think that she has a certain way of communicating with him that is supposed to be "under the radar." It could be a look, a smile, a hug. This makes my husband so happy. I've told him to stop sending her signals. He says I'm crazy and that he's not doing anything. I don't think he is actually "doing" anything, but he is sending signals of approval. His face lights up when he sees her and hangs on to her every word. He does little favors for her that are not a big deal by themselves, but I don't like it.
She even asks him about when we will get together next instead of asking me. Once she even texted him with homework issues. 
I've told a friend of mine about this and she and I think it's weird, to say the least. Once he found out I told someone else, he really has backed off A LOT. I think it is because he is embarrassed that his reputation will be on the line and wants me to stop spreading the word. I still think he likes this lady, but he has really simmered it down. What do you guys think?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You are intuitive. Keep an eye on them.


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## mochamom (Nov 28, 2012)

This is how it all begins...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

She wants to sink her mandibles into YOUR husband and get some of what you're getting from him.
She is envious , and wants your husband.
She's already fantasizing about both of them.

Your husband in turn likes the attention from this woman. He's feeding on it because it gives him an ego boost.
He's moving right into her " venus fly trap "

You are not paranoid, but very intuitive.
You need to bring this to an abrupt end.
Destroy any expectations.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You're intuitive. I wouldn't put up with it and I would end your family's relationship with her family.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Lastor said:


> My husband has expressed an innocent enough sort of "respect" and "admiration" for this woman at our children's school a couple of years ago. Since then our families have become closer. Although I don't think she wants to necessarily be with my husband, I do think that she has a certain way of communicating with him that is supposed to be "under the radar." It could be a look, a smile, a hug. This makes my husband so happy. I've told him to stop sending her signals. He says I'm crazy and that he's not doing anything. I don't think he is actually "doing" anything, but he is sending signals of approval. His face lights up when he sees her and hangs on to her every word. He does little favors for her that are not a big deal by themselves, but I don't like it.
> She even asks him about when we will get together next instead of asking me. Once she even texted him with homework issues.
> I've told a friend of mine about this and she and I think it's weird, to say the least. Once he found out I told someone else, he really has backed off A LOT. I think it is because he is embarrassed that his reputation will be on the line and wants me to stop spreading the word. I still think he likes this lady, but he has really simmered it down. What do you guys think?


I'm going to break from the norm.

I think you are intuitive, but I also think you're being a little paranoid too.

There's an old phrase "It's only paranoia if they're NOT really out to get you." 

I think your husband "simmering it down" is because he sees it bothers you and it's just not that important to him. I don't think it was ever that big of a deal for him. Was there SOMETHING?!? probably, but no where near what you FEEL. I see a lot of "there's really nothing...but I just KNOW" type of talk coming from you.

My guess is you nipped something in the bud, which is great, but I'd also be careful because you seem to be looking for a Tree, when a seed hasn't even fallen.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm assuming she is married & you are "couple" friends.

You are spot on. They both are attracted to each other.

I'm basing this on the fact that she texts him about plans.

We have "couple" friends. The husbands text my husband & the wives text me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd say that as long as you're only getting together as a group, there's probably little to worry about, but if these "favors" involve any one-on-one time, it'd pose a risk.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'd say that as long as you're only getting together as a group, there's probably little to worry about, but if these "favors" involve any one-on-one time, it'd pose a risk.


Sorry Kathy I have to disagree. She's talking to him directly about plans and started texting him. She's knocking on the door, he opened. It's just going to escalate.

This is how it all starts


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Lastor said:


> He does little favors for her that are not a big deal by themselves, but I don't like it.
> She even asks him about when we will get together next instead of asking me. Once she even texted him with homework issues.


This is what I noticed most about your post. I have a couple of questions that are probably dumb but are have me curious.
These "little favors..." are they the kinds of things that he would do for other friends, or just for her?
Does he tell you about these favors before he does them?
Who has more contact with this woman, him or you? Does this impact why she would contact him instead of you?
With the text about homework, since it sounds like she was asking you about your own kid, why would it be so important that she contact you instead of him about a homework question?


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

Hi Dr. Rockstar, I'd love to answer your questions and get more feedback. I finally figured out how to reply, I think.
Question 1: These "little favors..." are they the kinds of things that he would do for other friends, or just for her?
Answer 1: Absolutely not "just" for her. If that were so, I wouldn't be asking "if" I'm being intuitive. No, seriously, I really wish I could lay it all out here as others have done. 
It's a feeling I have. What he has done for her, he has done out of courtesy, but with a lot of speed and enthusiasm. Do you get what I'm saying? He replies quickly to their requests to get together (meaning her and her husband), makes sure I follow up when it's just something about me, is nicer to her kid sometimes, makes sure to be at certain school events where it is likely that she'll be there, will move something out of the way quickly -- seemingly little, unimportant things. Now, he's not naturally very social AT ALL. Although he tries, he's just not that into hanging out with other people except for this couple.

Q2. Does he tell you about these favors before he does them?
A2. Yes and no, meaning he may have already had contact with her at a school function or sporting event (always public) where I may have been off doing something somewhere else or talking to someone else and I find out about it later. He always does mention later on in a very casual manner. In these cases, I must say most of the time it is she who approaches him and makes some contact about something. Nothing is a huge deal by itself, but it's just that none of the other moms do this with him or anyone else. Then I start with "oh, really?" And this is where he says "What's the big deal?"

Q3. Who has more contact with this woman, him or you? Does this impact why she would contact him instead of you?
A3. I had more contact with her initially but then I started sensing these things I've been discussing and I have been trying to reduce contact with her ever since, sort of get rid of her unsuccessfully for quite some time now. She is persistent and comes back with a different angle each time. Sometimes I could swear she makes her husband call my husband to get together for a bike ride with the family or a game or out to eat or something. We are usually busy and cannot go every time, so I usually feel some relief during those times, but she is right around the corner for something else. Once we're all together and with the kids, it's not like she and my husband go to some corner, but it's something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Of course I just talk and socialize like everything is fine. 

Q4. With the text about homework, since it sounds like she was asking you about your own kid, why would it be so important that she contact you instead of him about a homework question?
A5. Okay. Nobody does this. There's not one mom in any of the classes that my kids have been in that will ask another dad for homework that their kid has forgotten at school. The funny part is that she didn't text me directly but included my name in the text she sent to him. 
There was a time that it seemed that we were hanging out almost weekly or biweekly for one reason or another. I was getting really tired of that.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

Thank you Satya. I will look into this as I am unfamiliar with this book.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'd say that as long as you're only getting together as a group, there's probably little to worry about, but if these "favors" involve any one-on-one time, it'd pose a risk.


Yes, we are only getting together as a group, but I know there are some lights and sounds going off in his head when he sees her! And now that he knows I'm watching him, he gets frustrated with me for doing so.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm going to break from the norm.
> 
> I think you are intuitive, but I also think you're being a little paranoid too.
> 
> ...


He has been saying almost exactly the things you are saying, Dad & Hubby. At first I would just bring up little things I didn't like about how she behaves and he would completely dismiss them. Then I upped it by actually getting angry and bringing up more weird things that she does (weird to me, anyway. apparently not to him) and he would make excuses and dismiss bad behavior. Then when I actually "outed" him by telling my friend, that's when he did, what seems to me, a 180 and said the same things you're saying, that it's not a big deal, never was, asked me what I want him to do, said he'll cut off everything if I want.
You know what? That made me even more upset. Until now when I was talking to him, everything I said was dismissed and unimportant and paranoid, et cetera. Now that he's afraid I'm going to tell the world, he got scared and is willing to pull back as much as I want.
I just remembered something, actually. Once she told me that my husband called her to ask something about a game that we were going to, to make sure that their kids are available also. here is the "weird" part. I know he didn't pick up the phone and call her. She wanted me to know and think that he did. She did this on purpose. What he did is when he "ran" into her in school, he mentioned the possible conflict to make sure all the kids can go together. I know for sure he did NOT call her on the phone. Why would she say that he did? To get me angry and paranoid at him? Why? Well, I confronted him and said if she's crazy to be doing this, this should be raising a red flag. He just laughed it off that all birds are a bit crazy, meaning women. Maybe so, but this behavior is unusual and alarming to me.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> She wants to sink her mandibles into YOUR husband and get some of what you're getting from him.
> She is envious , and wants your husband.
> She's already fantasizing about both of them.
> 
> ...


He is absolutely feeding on the attention, Caribbean Man. You are correct. And for the most part, I wouldn't even mind because that can be a fun little thing, but I think that she is too forward and crazy and relentless.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I'm assuming she is married & you are "couple" friends.
> 
> You are spot on. They both are attracted to each other.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU! Exactly! No one else, I repeat, no one else does this. Husbands call husbands and the wives call the wives. That's it. That's what is considered normal in our school.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You're intuitive. I wouldn't put up with it and I would end your family's relationship with her family.


I'm trying. Boy am I trying to stay away from them. Until now I've had no success. Since I talked about this whole thing with my friend, he now also agrees that fine, we should stop hanging out so much.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Lastor, seems to me that they are mutually attracted, like they possibly have a crush on one another. It’s something we’re talking about at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/62795-attraction.html.

My view is these things happen in marriages and the longer we’re married the more likely they are to happen.

What you can see is what we can’t see here on a forum and that’s the body language associated between you and your husband and between your husband and the other woman.

It’s that body language that’s setting your alarm bells off and which you are trying to communicate to us here on the forum. It’s that gut feeling, intuition we all get from time to time. Your emotions will be screwing up your mind a bit as well, telling you one thing while your H is telling you another as though you are being gaslighted. It’s crazy mind making stuff.

In some ways what’s going on will be happening in your H’s subconscious mind. He will not be totally aware of what he’s doing least of all the consequences of it and its affect on you.

Your “job” is to bring it all up into your husband’s conscious mind. I had to do this a couple of times with my wife during our very long term marriage. These things are one of the things that really do have the power and tenacity to bring a marriage down.

I think the very best thing to do as a first step is to give him the book Not Just Friends as recommended by Satya and hope that wakes him up to what’s actually going on around him.

Plus be very very direct with the guy. Make it a boundary thing and tell him it’s either you or her, he can’t have both in his life.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Also if you’re not already then spy on your H. Why? Quite simply because if something is going on and you ask him what it is in a direct way he will deny it. You can see that he’s attracted to the woman, it’s obvious to you yet he even denies that.


He’ll deny because he has secret thoughts and plans running around inside his head that he just does not want you to know about. That’s why the only chance you have of getting to the truth of what’s going on is to spy on him. It’s sad but true. It’s due diligence, something you do to protect your marriage and your investment in it.



There’s something else here as well. In that you are now feeling very insecure in your marriage with your husband. You probably feel jealous of the other woman and that will invoke in you a whole set of negative emotions, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, betrayal to name some of them.


It is in a way your H’s DUTY to make you feel safe and secure, comfortable and happy in your relationship with him you he persists in doing the opposite!

You may want to be MINDFUL about that. About the fact that your husband is continuing with behaviour that creates in you all those rotten negative emotions and that seemingly he just does not care.

That should tell you something about how he views and values you as a person in his life. Maybe you are already his Plan B. The quicker you can catch these things the easier they are to resolve, a stitch in time really does save nine.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Also if you’re not already then spy on your H. Why? Quite simply because if something is going on and you ask him what it is in a direct way he will deny it. You can see that he’s attracted to the woman, it’s obvious to you yet he even denies that.
> 
> 
> He’ll deny because he has secret thoughts and plans running around inside his head that he just does not want you to know about. That’s why the only chance you have of getting to the truth of what’s going on is to spy on him. It’s sad but true. It’s due diligence, something you do to protect your marriage and your investment in it.
> ...


Thank you for your post. I look around on the site and see that there are cheating spouses all around. I may sound like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. To quote Dad & Hubby, the seed from the tree hasn't fallen yet, so why be paranoid. However, I feel really good about having put a stop to it the way I did. I appreciate the fact that you understand what I "feel" is real but hard to put across in posts.
I don't have ways to spy on him, really. I am not very technical at all so I wouldn't be able to put in spyware or anything like that. I am open to suggestions, though!

I do feel good about having sort of brought the whole thing to a head. Of course I cannot control what goes on in his mind and how much he thinks about her still, but at least I don't have to be subject to it like a doormat. Honestly, I think it has more to do with her feeling powerful and in control by sabotaging my marriage. I am not usually confrontational, and I'm just tired of people walking all over me. The fact that she wanted me to know that my husband had called her (which I'm sure he didn't. What he did is ran into her and discussed plans), tells me that she wants to see me upset and ruined.

Anyway, I want to thank everybody for helping me out with this one.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Where there's smoke, there's fire! Yes, you are intuitive; not paranoid. Your gut's telling you this for a reason. What concerns me about this is your H total lack of concern for your feelings. It should not have taken a possible threat to his reputation before putting a stop to it. The first time you mentioned you were uncomfortable should have been the end of it. 

If he cares at all, the communication between him and her will cease. If she contacts him (phone, email, text, etc), he needs to ignore it and either contact her husband to make plans or have you contact her in return. If she approaches him in person, he needs to refer her to you and walk away. He needs to avoid seeing her 'alone' at all costs!!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Lastor said:


> I'm trying. Boy am I trying to stay away from them. Until now I've had no success. Since I talked about this whole thing with my friend, he now also agrees that fine, we should stop hanging out so much.


Please forgive me if I sound naive but can't you just tell him that this ends now. You stop associating with them immediately, you make sure your kids stop associating with them (forbid them from going) and the tell your husband if he doesn't stop you are going to make his life miserable. My wife would drive me freakin' crazy if I kept it up. Also, you can start bad mouthing her in the neighborhood. You can make life difficult for the both of them....you don't have to put up with this sh1t.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> and the tell your husband if he doesn't stop you are going to make his life miserable. My wife would drive me freakin' crazy if I kept it up.....you don't have to put up with this sh1t.


Oh, that put a big smile on my face! That's right. I'm gonna stop this thing before it gets bigger. Let him try that innocent, good guy stuff with me just one more time .... Miserable will be the beginning of it!


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> What concerns me about this is your H total lack of concern for your feelings. It should not have taken a possible threat to his reputation before putting a stop to it. The first time you mentioned you were uncomfortable should have been the end of it.
> 
> That concerns me a lot too. Even if now everything has seemingly come to a halt, the fact that it took for me to "out" him for him to back off is something I cannot forget, to be honest. It's still tugging at me because it's the absolute truth.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

If she's showing your husband that much attention, chances are she's not happy in her own marriage. He's flattered - might be a little crush.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

All of that would bother me. She is obviously attracted to him. She sounds nuts with her lie about him calling her. Who does that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Plus be very very direct with the guy. Make it a boundary thing and tell him it’s either you or her, he can’t have both in his life.


I can't really do that because he can say that there is absolutely nothing going on between them and that I sound crazy and whatever ....

I mean, I have brought up the subject in different ways. Once I said, "Why do you get so giddy when you see her?"
Another time with the phone call thing, he admitted that she was not telling the truth (which if had said she was telling the truth and that he had called her, he would be in more trouble. But I do believe he did not call her). Then I pointed out that if she's not telling the truth, what's up with that? Isn't that completely unacceptable behavior? He just shrugged his shoulders for the most part and said that yes, she's probably a little wacky. 
But the point is that it always went back to well, gee, they called and want to get together. 

So there really isn't anything concrete that I can say her or me. I mean, it's not like if I wasn't in the picture, he was going to get with her the next day. It's just that nagging feeling that I guess there is a mutual attraction between them, as mentioned before. I guess I am jealous. It's natural. I can't stand the sight of her anymore.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

kipani said:


> If she's showing your husband that much attention, chances are she's not happy in her own marriage. He's flattered - might be a little crush.


Yes, that's the feeling I get also. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side or something. Actually, I don't care what happens to her.
What upsets me is that my H has, what you call, a "little crush." 
God, that hurts! I can't stand it. And I don't really think I am the jealous type. I mean, he does sneak looks at other women sometimes and might even verbalize it. I could care less about that. I do the same. It's nothing. 
But this one seems more serious and personal and real and mutual, and that's why it hurts.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I can't really do that because he can say that there is absolutely nothing going on between them and that I sound crazy and whatever ....


If it is true that nothing's going on then I have to ask why in the world is he so adamant that your feelings on this issue not be addressed. If in fact nothing's going on, then YOUR feelings should be a priority and the relationship you have with them would end. He's pushing you on this because the threat of losing 'his thrill' is looming. IMO.....it sounds like they're in the middle of an EA that he doesn't want to end...... That's not good!

All contact with them needs to stop ASAP! YOU do have a choice as to whether or not you/your family 'hang out' with them. Just because the offer is there, doesn't mean you have to do it. Can you not just say No, we're not interested? What about blocking her from calling and/or texting your H phone?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Lastor said:


> I can't really do that because he can say that there is absolutely nothing going on between them and that I sound crazy and whatever ....


Lastor, Your being too nice here. Don't worry about what he's going to say or that you might be called controlling or that you might appear crazy. If you are uncomfortable with this relationship .... then tell him it must end. If he doesn't want to end it then letting him know that he is risking your marriage by choosing a "friendship" with this woman over your feelings. *DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ACT.* 

I'm not making this next statement to be insulting, so please call it tough love. You are boardering on being a door mat. Take some action.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Lastor,

Dumb question... If you're concerned about who called, can you check the phone bill? On mine it lists every call in or out in chronilogical order. You should be able to find something there.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I too do not think you are being paranoid.

If your husband had been completely open with you from the start, that might have been slightly different - you would have been able to control the situation, decide what you are comfortable with. Because he was not, your confidence in him has inevitably been weakened.

My wife allowed me to rebefriend my first love fifteen years ago (she was in trouble, needed help) but it has always been on the basis of me being completely open with my wife and doing only what she is happy about. That has worked - we are all three still friends (and us two married for 35 years!).

Your husband needs to be totally open with you from now on and agree that you call the shots here.


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## Lastor (Dec 11, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Lastor,
> 
> Dumb question... If you're concerned about who called, can you check the phone bill? On mine it lists every call in or out in chronilogical order. You should be able to find something there.


No, it's a good question. I don't have access to his phone bill because it is issued by his work. I do know his password, but it doesn't store numbers for too long. Honestly, I never check his phone, even now.
I just remembered something else right now. Once my H got a text from her H about meeting up. Later it turned out that she had used her husband's phone to text my H. We just laughed about it, though. hahahaha! I was forced to laugh along, but that was one of the things I pointed out to him as being weird.


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