# I Love My Wife but I'm Tempted by A Coworker Please Help



## RedGrant

Hi all,

I'm hoping someone here can help me out with some real stressful problems ive been having the last 2 months. I realize a lot of people here have much more serious issues than I do but I've never been this conflicted before. Any advice or comments no matter how small are greatly appreciated.

A little about me I married a wonderful woman and have been married for 4.5 years. We've had our rough patches nothing serious. I've never thought of cheating before and I've always remained 100% faithful to her. My wife is very attractive in a Grace Kelly old fashioned starlet way. Shes very sweet and kind and this is why I've been under so much stress. For those of you that want a numerical classification say an "8"

I recently started a new job two months ago and I've met what seems like the most beautiful girl. I've worked at other jobs with some very attractive women but in all those situations it was oh well dont care on with life. I certainly never fantasized about them in the last 4 years ive been married. I'm not the kind of guy to talk about coworkers or women with guy friends or even contemplate cheating. Thats why i've been so conflicted.

This coworker of mine is downright sexy - think Angelina Jolie esque. Physicall shes a "10". Shes really friendly which only complicates things further. I'm kind of high up in the company shes a secretary - not that this matters just fyi in case any advice is given. It would probably be easy for me to not be attracted to her if she wasnt so well liked by everyone and kind but she goes out of her way to be exceptionally helpful to me. Of course shes doing her job and being hugely professional. Shes not being flirty at all, i've had other coworkers flirty with me and was never interested. 

Now im fantasizing about her everyday. At first I wished this was a little crush that would wean off but its not happening. Now im scared im going to do something stupid thats gonna make me hate myself. I've already taken to stupid habits like coordinating the time I leave work to coincide with when she leaves so we can ride the train together "by coincidence" and talking all journey. 

I have to see her everday and im always finding reasons to talk to her - I just know im going to complicate things further and do something like ask her for lunch and only hurt myself more. I know shes married and she knows I'm married. I'm actually really glad shes married or I might have done something incredibly regrettable by now.

I know I havent "cheated" yet but i feel sick with myself. My wife is such a great spouse and I only want feelings for her. This coworker I am first and foremost attracted to her cause I've never seen a woman so attractive. Her and I also have a lot of the same similarities. But I would also say my wife shares the exact same ones.

I sometimes wish i never took this job in the first place sometimes. Its planted these seeds of doubt where I'd never look at another woman twice in the last 4 years to fantasizing about a coworker non stop.

This job pays me a ton of money and its a career i love or else i may have considered leaving. I cant leave this job for the amount im getting paid. Dont know what to do. 

Please help with any advice on what i should do. 

Should I avoid her?
How do i get over her?
Is what im feeling wrong?
How do i get rid of it and go back to only having my wife in my heart and mind?
What do i do now knowing even if i get over this girl I can hugely be attracted to another similar person say 5 years down the road?

Any advice is most appreciated.


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## *LittleDeer*

> Should I avoid her?


Of course you should, you all ready know that.


> How do i get over her?


Stop thinking about her, turn your thoughts over to your wife. Avoid her, stop having any on work related chats. 
Learn self control, and don't fantasize about other women this way. 


> Is what im feeling wrong?


yes because you are obsessed and clearly if she made a move you would not resist.


> How do i get rid of it and go back to only having my wife in my heart and mind?


Look for another job. Even one that's not paying quite as well, because your marriage should be worth it.


> What do i do now knowing even if i get over this girl I can hugely be attracted to another similar person say 5 years down the road?


You need to let your wife know what happened. Get some strategies in place for what happens if you meet another attractive woman, for instance-
No fantasizing.
No time spent together out of work.
No time alone 
No making excuses to see them
and so on.

You say your wife is an 8. Soemone else probably thinks she's a 10.

In my mind when you really love someone, and have stayed true to them, you think they are a 10 despite their flaws. 

Think of how crushed your wife would feel if she read this post. How her trust would be gone. How unattractive she would feel, even though she's probably beautiful.

Imagine if your wife wrote this post about you, almost word for word except it was about another man? 

What would you think she should do?


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## RedGrant

Little, 

I appreciate your comments. First of all I do feel awful with myself. As I said I never felt this way ever before. As I said my wife is beautiful and I love her and I don't know why this has happened. I feel like im being tested by God.

Quitting is out of the question. I cant get another job this same level so easily. I just don't want to think about this girl in my office - i really want it to go away but I have to see her everyday.

Instead of just berating me cant you see i feel awful with myself. I cant help the way my mind is feeling. I've come here cause its an private board and I'm looking for advice. I dont wanna hurt my wife I wanna go back to the way things were 3 months ago where she was the only woman I fantasized about.

If it helps any bit I cannot reiterate enough I feel awful about myself.


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## *LittleDeer*

Yep got it, most cheaters feel awful.

I'm not berating you, I'm giving you advice on how not to do it.

You think your jobs worth more then your marriage, well that's fine.

If you don't prioritize, and learn how to put your marriage first, you will end up cheating, maybe not with this woman, but with someone else for sure.


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## d4life

Go ahead and act on it. Then you will lose your great paying job and your loving wife at the same time. I have seen it happen several times when I was working. 

Cheating is never the right answer, ever. You better think twice before you act on this. 

Shame on you!


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## Wiltshireman

RedGrant, 

You do not say (In the post or on your profile) how old you are or if your marriage is your first serious relationship. A clue as to your level of maturity might help with any advice given.

From what you write it is obvious that you know you have a problem. It is not your wife problem, it is not your co-worker problem, it belongs to you.
You are the one who is fantasizing about a co-worker, you are the one going out of your way to spend more time with that co-worker.

You need to "back off" from this women "NOW". 
Do Not, 
Meet outside of work,
Travel together,
Spend lunch together,

Do,
Be polite to her in work situations (she has done nothing wrong),
Find a way to divert your mind when you fantasize (rotate your wedding ring to remind yourself of your wonderful wife).
Give yourself a small pat on the back for realizing there was a problem before you tried to start a physical affiar.

IF you can draw back from this unhealthy fasination for this co-worker then it could have been just the wake up call you needed. If not you will need to find another job.

Some people in relationships can have close friendships with single people of the oppersite sex without it adversly effecting anyone but at this time you are not displaying the level of maturity that is required for that.


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## in my tree

Why don't you check out the Coping With Infidelity section? It might give you some insight into what you are setting yourself (and your wife) up for.

Btw - what Little Deer said about telling your wife - do this. It sounds crazy and as though you are setting yourself up for a fight (and you would be!) but you need her help in fighting this. If you are completely honest with her, she may be mad, furious even, but if you aren't honest you just may give in. Have faith in her that after the shock, she may appreciate that you were honest with her and she may help you get to the bottom of why you are willing to risk it all for this women. 

Btw - you may try to fool yourself into thinking that you could get away with it but why? Why do that to yourself and the one that you know that you love? Also spouses are more intuitive than you may think. Her sixth sense would go off like an alarm bell.


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## EleGirl

What you do is to avoid this woman as much as you can. Never, ever be alone with her. Do not ask her out to lunch or on a break. If she does things professionally for you try to find another person who can do these tasks.

If you make any move towards her you could end up sued for sexual harassment. She is not there to fill your fantasies. If she is not interested in you she would most likely be mortified to know you are having this thoughts and fantasies about her. You need to realize that your thoughts are not only inappropriate for your marriage but they could harm this woman as she could also lose her job.

Start looking for another job. Hopefully these thought will pass. But open up options for yourself just in case the feelings do not stop and you continue to be so tortured.

What you are going through is a huge warning sign about your marriage. There is something seriously wrong in your marriage. If you do not want to lose your wife down the road you need to tend to this and forget Ms Ten. It’s Mrs. Eight who loves you and who you dedicated your life to.

Get some photos of your wife and of the two of you together on your desk, as your computer screen saver, in your brief case, in your wallet. Phone her and text her during the day to tell her that you love her, etc.

Get the looks “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” (see links below). Start with “HN, HNs”. This book will explain why you are having these types of feelings. There is a crack in the love you feel for your wife and it can be fixed.


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## Terry_CO

Think of how you would feel if your beautiful wife did the same to you .......

You'd feel rotten. Do you really want to destroy her like that?


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## Plan 9 from OS

Sexual Harassment Lawsuit. You're pretty high up the ladder and she's a secretary. Aside from ruining your marriage, you also ruin your career, lose most or all of your mutual friends, probably lose the respect of a number of your friends, and you get to screw up your kids (if you have them). 

Did you ever stop to think that all you see is only the positive persona of this secretary? Surely you realize that this woman is not 100% all positive, and that if you would ever be with her that you would sooner or later start to see the real her. It's tough to compare you wife - who you know completely - to the fantasy you have constructed in your mind about this other woman.


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## Mavash.

What's so funny about this is what 90% of the time affairs never last. The fantasy and sneaking around is what was fun about it. The reality is RARELY as good as what you've got going on in your head. 

For someone as high up and as successful as you I'd think would be smart enough to know this.


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## KeepLoveGrowing

Kudos to you for seeking out help before anything... unfortunate.. happened. I can see your motives are good. 

You can't pretend it didn't happen. I would tell your wife - getting her "up an arms" about it might help you keep your focus. If you know she is going to ask you every day about the girl, you might be more likely to avoid her.

Take a picture of your wife with you in your wallet. When you're feeling conflicted.. take it out and remind yourself of what your priorities are. 

Ask for either the girl or yourself to be moved to a different department or area if that is possible. 

Can you shift your hours by 30 minutes to make sure you CANNOT "Accidentally" meet on the train? Or, setup a "phone date" with your wife for right after work to delay yourself. 

Start looking for flaws in the girl. Everyone has flaws. Every time you think of her, try to pull those flaws foremost in your thoughts.

Will this happen again in 5 years? Maybe. But if you learn how to control and manage your thoughts now, it might not be such a battle. Remember, you cannot undo negative actions, you can only change future actions to be positive. Don't ruin your career and your marriage for what would probably not work out anyway.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

RedGrant:

Maybe spending 20 minutes with paper and pen DWELLING on the after-math of an affair would be enough to shake you out of the fantasy.

Write it down....alll of it.....what would happen to:
you
wife
kids
marriage
career
family
friends
co-workers
social acquaintences
secretary
her husband
their kids
their marriage
their families
their friends
their social acquaintences

Did you include breaking up two households? Financial devastation? One or both of you getting fired? Unemployment? Explaining your last firing? 

Hopefully, *this* will KNOCK the WOO-HOO out of the dream!

BTW: Do NOT start texting/calling your wife throughout the day UNLESS you have decided to come clean with this temptation. Suddenly starting to check-in on her will make her wonder what the heck you've been up to!


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## Shoto1984

Lots of good advise here. I also applaud you for looking for help in finding yourself before real damage is done. There is a certain maturity that is required in being (and staying) married. You have committed to one person and yet there are thousands of other people that you will meet after you've taken your vows. There will always been interesting and attractive people crossing your path. Appreciate them but know that you have chosen your partner and are already building a life together. We all know the butterflies of infatuation but you need to have the character to take that energy and direct it back into your marriage. Go home and romance your wife.


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## Shoto1984

I'll just add that I am pointedly not suggesting you go tell your wife about your temptation provided that you deal with it on your own. Just curious, do you wear a wedding ring? If you have one and its in the a drawer maybe you should put it on. Understand that the choices you make right here will define you for the rest of your life. Do you want to be another cheater or do you want to be a person with character who doesn't need to make excuses for the rest of your life?


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## Aunt Ava

You have received very good advise already, I just want to add a couple of things.

Marriages need to be nurtured. How much time do you and your wife spend together? Focused time - not watching TV, or being in the same room while one of you is on the computer. Couples should spend 15 to 20 hours a week to keep the relationship strong. What activities did you do together when you dated? Revisit those.

You are on a slippery slope, you haven't physically cheated but you have certainly emotionally cheated. You have made time to be with the OW, gone out of your way to be with her, spending focused time building a relationship with her and fantasizes about her. 

Please follow the advise others have given you, if you love your wife and your life. Work on making your marriage affair proof, this is addressed in "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley Jr.


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## Drover

I don't get it. Are you 16? So you're tempted. That doesn't mean you have to act on that temptation.


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## Hicks

You have to turn into your marriage.

You have to focus on spending time with your wife, speaking to her, having recreationa fun, sex... 

You stay in love with your spouse when you make the conscous effort to spend quality time together, just as you are doing with another individual.


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## Pravius

Just think to yourself how you would feel if your wife had the same thoughts, would it devistate you? Now evertime you focus on her think of your wife doing the same thing and think if she ever found out how you would make her feel. Simple as that.


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## always_alone

Or how about inject a iittle reality into the fantasy? What makes you think she is even remotely interested in servicing your fantasy life? Is it at all possible that when she sees you on the train, she's actually thinking "oh, crap, there he is again. Now i have to sit here and make pleasant chit-chat when I'd much rather just zone out or read my spy thriller"? Or that she is being nice just because she happens to be a nice person, or that she wants to keep her job, maybe even advance to a higher position? That she loves her husband and her life?


It annoys me endlessly that so many men seem to think women were put on earth to cater to their sexual whims -- regardless of whether they themselves are 10s, 8s, or -2s on the so-called sexual ranks. That the default setting seems to be, "yeah, she wants it", when in actual fact, she just finds him creepy and seedy. Ever think of that mid-fantasy?


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## richie33

Turn to your wife and your marriage. Its something you realize is wrong and you need to stay away from this woman. Respect that she herself is a married woman. 
Always alone it annoys me that you label men the way you do. Sorry you pick the wrong men but that might say something about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald

I feel bad for you. We can't help/control our feelings...they just come.

But what we CAN do is make a choice on what do to about our feelings, ie, act or not act on them.

As long as you are working with her, your obsession (that is what it is) will continue to be fed.

You need your wife's help to keep you in check if you must stay in this job and/or get yourself into counseling now.

If you do not do any of the following, then you know that you want to keep the obsession going:

Quit your job
Tell your wife & ask for her help
Go to counseling.

Good luck.


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## Emerald

Also, don't fool yourself that she is into you also. You are having a one-sided EA.

You are just one of thousands of men that are tempted by her beauty. 

You go on to say she has such a wonderful personality so as to not sound so shallow, but if this woman was a "2" you would not be obsessing.

It's all about her outer beauty.


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## always_alone

richie33 said:


> Always alone it annoys me that you label men the way you do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am just responding to the OP who has given no evidence of trying to look at any of this from her perspective. 

And frankly, I've seen this again and again and again. It is why I rail so much about objectification and how it totally discounts the women's POV.


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## 3Xnocharm

Living with yourself after having cheated is miserable. It follows you for the rest of your life. You have to live with what you did. Its NOT WORTH IT. Even if you arent found out, YOU know what you did, its always, always there. 

Its good that you are aware of how you are feeling and behaving. You need to get ahold of yourself, its just a beautiful woman. She is probably a nagging shrew when she is home with her husband. And like someone else mentioned, she may dread having to be stuck on the train with you, she is just being professional at work, like she is supposed to be. Turn to your marriage, turn to your wife, whether you tell her or not. Its not to late, but if you continue as you are, then it will be.


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## Anon Pink

It seems that this attraction you feel toward the other woman has surprised you to such an extent, you are wondering if there is something inherently wrong with you or your marriage that you could even develop feelings like this for another woman. A character flaw that you didn't know you have or something missing from your wife or marriage?

I think it's important to recognize that all relationships go through cycles. Depending on a lot of different factors, those cycles are what leave us vulnerable to developing "crushes" on people we find attractive. Being married doesn't prevent us from appreciating beauty in others, nor does it automatically prevent us from fantasizing about others. What you are feeling about this other woman is a relatively common event. If you knew going into the marriage, that there would be times when you are vulnerable to developing crushes, even strong crushes that might cause you to contemplate, seriously contemplate, an affair you might not be so caught off guard when it happens, and consequently be better armed to put it all in perspective.

Appreciating the relative attractiveness of another person is one thing, acting on that attraction is something else entirely. You've been given excellent advice about avoiding temptation. You've been acknowledged for having the integrity to recognize, and not delude yourself, that you are in a vulnerable position and need to avoid behaviors, thought patterns, that might make this a devastating event, rather than a passing fancy.

Back to relationship cycles. Your marriage is a good one and you love your wife. But you two have been sliding into a "comfort zone" of pattern and predictability. Everyone likes novelty, everyone likes that rush of adrenalin we feel during new love. Developing a crush gives you that adrenalin rush that fools you into thinking grass is greener scenarios. In the midst of that rush your vulnerability peeks. Step one is recognizing the relatively common event of developing a crush. Step two is to not allow fantasies to develop to the point where you might be trying to convince yourself that the grass might be greener. Step three is to break patterns of predictability within your marriage.

And that is where marriages begin to fail. I think the previous comments were wrong when they suggested that having crushes or fantasies about someone other than your wife is wrong and you must fight them. They're not wrong because they are not under your control and if you could choose, you wouldn't choose to be attracted to anyone other than your wife.

Here is where the rubber meets the road in marriages. As has already been said, put this energy into your relationship with your wife.
1. You could take those fantasy scenarios with this other woman and make them a reality with your wife.
2. Reassuring your wife of your love for her and your commitment to your marriage, now is the time for you both to really grasp that marriage takes work and you are currently feeling that adding some spice, some unpredictability, some fun and crazy times together will keep your relationship moving in an exciting way. Work together to identify patterns of predictability that can lead to stagnation. 
A, Share fantasies with each other and find ways to rediscover each other. 
B, Time for you both to explore your passions together. Does your wife LOVE to dance, does she LOVE to be creative, does she love the outdoors? 
C, Take a vacation together and learn to surf, learn to snowboard, learn to rock climb, ride horses. 
D, Do something new together. 
E, Take her shopping for the express purpose of finding an outfit that is outside of the norm for her and have her help do the same for you. 


I've been married for 28 years and have had several crushes. I am married, not dead nor blind. But I'm also not stupid. I avoid the crush as soon as I recognize it. When fantasies come, I try to identify ways to spice things up within my marriage. A few times I've gone for hikes with my husband for the express purpose of finding a secret spot where I can shock the hell out of him and jump his bones. On those rare occasions when we have the house to ourselves, I play dress up and wear dresses or outfits that I wouldn't be caught dead in on the street. The tricky part is finding shoes to match that are cheap enough that I don't feel guilt never ever wearing them except for those rare times.

Early in my marriage, my husband said he felt like we were in a rut and we needed to add some spice, something new. At the time we had little ones that took all my energy and focus and wasn't getting help from him, so I rebuffed him. He felt ignored, as I had been feeling, and let it drop. I mention this because had he not let it drop, had he continued to try, we might have avoided years of growing distance and dissatisfaction.


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## Fledgling

I'm not sure that the 10 secretary is being entirely professional. The OP says that she seems to go out of her way for him at the office and she has great personality. Not that she is actively persuing him but most women will respond in some manner when a man is attentive to them.

Secondly, the OP is only saying his wife is an 8 is comparison to this woman who is a 10. I imagine he has always thought his wife was a 10 until now. He's already admitted that other attractive women flirted with him and didn't phase him. They wer all 6's? That's why comparisons rarely help. 

Thirdly, there does seem like he is a little heady with power considering how much his job pays.


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## sinnister

Drover said:


> I don't get it. Are you 16? So you're tempted. That doesn't mean you have to act on that temptation.


I wanted to say this. 

We're adults here. Have some restraint. I missed lunch and want 3burgers and a couple chocolate bars, but I can't eat that crap because restraint prevents it.

Toughen up.


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## Faithful Wife

The OP said: "Instead of just berating me cant you see i feel awful with myself. I cant help the way my mind is feeling."

This is nonsense. Yes we CAN help the way we "feel" about things. We do this by re-directing our thoughts and becoming self-disciplined in our minds. 

So you find yourself fantasizing about the secretary...and the moment you realize "oops, I went there again" you mentally snap yourself out of it by thinking "stop....stop...this is not the way I want to feel or think" and then you deliberately picture your beautiful wife and yourself embracing and telling each other you love each other (or other appropriate thought). You do this EACH and EVERY time you find yourself fantasizing about the secretary. 

Then, of course, you avoid situations where you have to talk to her for any other than work reasons (instead of inventing reasons to ride home on the train with her).

Between these two things, you will soon find your crush is easing up and then eventually, your mind will stop fantasizing as a habit. You will have broken the habit of this.

Your thoughts are your own and you need to OWN them. In fact, your thoughts are the only thing you can control in the world, so just do it. This is what free will means. You are free to think (or not think) whatever you WANT. So choose wisely.


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## Shoshannah

My husband had an EA and possibly a PA with a beautiful, much younger coworker. He was in a higher position than she, but they worked closely together. I was a stay at home mom with a large family. I did not know what was going on for a long time and caught him after about a year. It did a huge amount of damage to our marriage and family. It isn't fair to compare your wife to this other woman. You have no idea what it is really like to live with her. You already know you have a wonderful, attractive woman at home, who does so much for you. Do you want to throw all of that away for a dream? That's what your coworker is, a fantasy. I'm trying to warn you that it isn't fair to your wife at all. She needs to know about this. If for no other reason, as a protection for herself and your marriage. Se deserves to know.


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## TDSC60

Obviously she is going to be nice and attentive to you. You are an executive in the company where she is a secretary. Do not read "she is attracted to me" because she is cultivating a friendship with someone who can help her career. As a matter of fact I have seen several very sexy ladies do exactly this with executive in my company. Some have even been setup for sexual harassment complaints. Once this happens, you are labeled forever.

You say that your job pays too much for you to quit. You are setting yourself up to get demoted or canned if you pursue this fantasy.

Wake up and come back to earth. Nothing good can come of this.


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## RedGrant

Anon thank you so much for your advice. As well as the rest of you with constructive help. I really do appreciate it.


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## RedGrant

First of all those of you that have taken time to reply to me thank you so much. I realize everyone's time is valuable and I've always appreciated the help of strangers.

I just wanted to share some more details on some questions people have been voicing. 

My age is 31 and i have your sterotypical executive job for a large organization. My wife is 28. The coworker in my office is 26.

My wife does not work as shes a full time student studying to be a doctor. My job pays a significant amount and quitting it is off the table given other work opportunities. Quitting my job is out of the option.

Also requesting a girl whos been there for 5 years to be transferred is also out of the question. I maybe much higher in the organization but last thing I want are questions raised and looking like im on a power trip.

Regarding the whole my wife is an 8 my coworker is a 10. The reason i pointed this out is cause I wanted people to know I have an extremely attractive wife. Many of you have pointed out that before you probably thought your wife was a 10. Yes...youre absolutely correct. I remember before I was married to my wife I felt the same way. There was another extremely attractive girl interested in me and situations would be easier with her as my wife was on the other side of the country at the time but I was head over heels in love with her. Now for the first time in 4 years I have feelings for someone else.

Have I cheated before? No never. In fact I'm quite certain I can control myself in my office I just hate the feelings I have want them to go away and live my life. Eg this morning I woke up thinking of my co worker. I am not willingly doing this but when shes the first thing I'm thinking of every morning and pops into my head its difficult. I'm out of town for 2 weeks at my request handling an assignment to try and get away from her and still I cant get her out of my head.

As a sidebar I called my wife and told her I'm meeting a friend of mine for dinner tonight. My friend is a single female but I have zero feelings for her romantically. I have this kind of transparent relationship with my wife. Shes got plenty of male friends too and I trust her to go out have dinner with them as well.

I'm one of the few younger people in my office. Definitely the youngest at my level so perhaps age wise I have a lot in common with the administration girls. I have had already in the first few months women openly flirting with me - I wont go into detail but I'm well aware of friendly professionalism and outright flirting. I have never acted on this nor been attracted to anyone that has done so. I can handle this as thats quite frankly how my line of work is. Several of my married male counterparts have acted on such incidents. Non of them have been caught so I havent seen the aftermath. 

Telling my wife is also out of the question. I have not cheated on my wife and god willing ill have the strength to never do so. Id hate myself. All that will do is cause my wife to always worry when I'm out on business or in the office or something. I'm hoping to get over this without involving her.

How would I feel if my wife felt the same way about lets say a young doctor in her medical school? Lets say she was thinking about him all the time hes a 10 im an 8? I really dont know....I guess Id feel sad. I know for sure I'm no 10. I suppose its natural for her to find someone shes attracted to. Id still feel bad. I dont want my wife to ever know and feel bad. I do love her.

As for my coworker shes just extremely attractive. I have worked with very attractive women before and never thought of them for a second. Her personality is very friendly. Not flirty at all. Shes extremely professional. When she talks to me does something for me....i.e. her job being professional and smiles at me my heart just melts. I was hoping this would have ended by now but its only gotten worse. 

Another problem also is after us taking the train so much and talking so much in office I dont know how shed react if I just ignored her. Shes really innocent in this along with my wife. Im 100% to blame for everything and no one should be punished for my mental weakness.

Thanks to all who have listened this much.


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## Starstarfish

> As a sidebar I called my wife and told her I'm meeting a friend of mine for dinner tonight. My friend is a single female but I have zero feelings for her romantically.


Again - how much time are you with your wife? Or - working on your relationship with her? After you developed these feelings for a co-worker, why would you meet with a single female from work for dinner, rather than go home with your wife?


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## RedGrant

Starstarfish said:


> Again - how much time are you with your wife? Or - working on your relationship with her? After you developed these feelings for a co-worker, why would you meet with a single female from work for dinner, rather than go home with your wife?


Because I'm out of my office and city for 2 weeks. So there is one friend I have from college here who happens to be her.

When I'm in my home city I have dinner with my wife every night.


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## Thound

Don't risk a working marriage for lots of hurts and drama. Try to figure out why you are tempted and correct whatever is tempting you. And also don't get your meat where you get your bread.


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## Sigma Uber Alles

TO THE OP:

I'll give you the three possible answers here...

1) This is a TROLL, RIGHT?? SO *GO AWAY !*

2) This is a hypothetical that some "Alt" here just threw out for conversation... so no real answer necessary.

3) You're serious... really? *YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR &#%@*^ MIND !* and I mean that literally because of what your midbrain parts can do to you if you let them. *Believe me, you DO NOT want to go down this road !*

If the correct answer is number 3... just reread your post and look in the mirror to see how affairs get started. As for all the damage that follows... just reread the responses above.


----------



## Entropy3000

RedGrant said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I'm hoping someone here can help me out with some real stressful problems ive been having the last 2 months. I realize a lot of people here have much more serious issues than I do but I've never been this conflicted before. Any advice or comments no matter how small are greatly appreciated.
> 
> A little about me I married a wonderful woman and have been married for 4.5 years. We've had our rough patches nothing serious. I've never thought of cheating before and I've always remained 100% faithful to her. My wife is very attractive in a Grace Kelly old fashioned starlet way. Shes very sweet and kind and this is why I've been under so much stress. For those of you that want a numerical classification say an "8"
> 
> I recently started a new job two months ago and I've met what seems like the most beautiful girl. I've worked at other jobs with some very attractive women but in all those situations it was oh well dont care on with life. I certainly never fantasized about them in the last 4 years ive been married. I'm not the kind of guy to talk about coworkers or women with guy friends or even contemplate cheating. Thats why i've been so conflicted.
> 
> This coworker of mine is downright sexy - think Angelina Jolie esque. Physicall shes a "10". Shes really friendly which only complicates things further. I'm kind of high up in the company shes a secretary - not that this matters just fyi in case any advice is given. It would probably be easy for me to not be attracted to her if she wasnt so well liked by everyone and kind but she goes out of her way to be exceptionally helpful to me. Of course shes doing her job and being hugely professional. Shes not being flirty at all, i've had other coworkers flirty with me and was never interested.
> 
> Now im fantasizing about her everyday. At first I wished this was a little crush that would wean off but its not happening. Now im scared im going to do something stupid thats gonna make me hate myself. I've already taken to stupid habits like coordinating the time I leave work to coincide with when she leaves so we can ride the train together "by coincidence" and talking all journey.
> 
> I have to see her everday and im always finding reasons to talk to her - I just know im going to complicate things further and do something like ask her for lunch and only hurt myself more. I know shes married and she knows I'm married. I'm actually really glad shes married or I might have done something incredibly regrettable by now.
> 
> I know I havent "cheated" yet but i feel sick with myself. My wife is such a great spouse and I only want feelings for her. This coworker I am first and foremost attracted to her cause I've never seen a woman so attractive. Her and I also have a lot of the same similarities. But I would also say my wife shares the exact same ones.
> 
> I sometimes wish i never took this job in the first place sometimes. Its planted these seeds of doubt where I'd never look at another woman twice in the last 4 years to fantasizing about a coworker non stop.
> 
> This job pays me a ton of money and its a career i love or else i may have considered leaving. I cant leave this job for the amount im getting paid. Dont know what to do.
> 
> Please help with any advice on what i should do.
> 
> Should I avoid her?
> How do i get over her?
> Is what im feeling wrong?
> How do i get rid of it and go back to only having my wife in my heart and mind?
> What do i do now knowing even if i get over this girl I can hugely be attracted to another similar person say 5 years down the road?
> 
> Any advice is most appreciated.


I changed jobs buddy. You should too. Sorry.


----------



## Entropy3000

RedGrant said:


> Quitting is out of the question. I cant get another job this same level so easily. I just don't want to think about this girl in my office - i really want it to go away but I have to see her everyday.


Total horse [email protected] Then it is not real. I found a job for more money that allowed me to teach at night too.

I was a top technologist at an Aeospace company. I had a job people envied in my field. Not boasting.

Just saying my marriage was more important than my job.

So if you stay you are being selfish and not very bright. Jobs come and go.


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## terrence4159

i dont believe you really love your wife! my wife is going through some medical issues we havent had sex in 2 1/2 months wont even come near me and guess how many times ive been tempted to go and cheat.......wait for it.....wait for it 0times thats 0 ZERO. if you loves your wife you wouldnt be here asking for advice you would know what to do.. just my .02 cents


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## sandc

Just think of your wife enjoying her next husband. Think of how much he will enjoy and appreciate her. He'll think she's amazing. He'll wonder why you ever wanted anyone else. Lastly he'll thank you.


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## AlmostYoung

Tell your wife everything. Tell her you love her and would like her help getting over this. Problem solved. There can be no secrets in a successful marriage.


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## in my tree

Lots of excuses there for why you can't change anything about this situation. 
"Telling my wife is also out of the question. I have not cheated on my wife and god willing ill have the strength to never do so. Id hate myself. All that will do is cause my wife to always worry when I'm out on business or in the office or something. I'm hoping to get over this without involving her."
You don't give your wife a lot of credit, do you. Or doesn't she deserve to know the real you and who she is married to?

So since you don't want to seriously consider what others are trying to tell you here - what are you going to do??


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## AlmostYoung

RedGrant said:


> Telling my wife is also out of the question. I have not cheated on my wife and god willing ill have the strength to never do so. Id hate myself. * All that will do is cause my wife to always worry when I'm out on business or in the office or something.* I'm hoping to get over this without involving her.


Hogwash. After telling her you become 100% transparent. Allow her to check your phone, emails etc. when ever she wants. When out of town you CALL HER and tell her all about your day/night. Let her know how special she is and that you miss her. Keep a close, honest connection, and she won't have to worry about a thing.

EDIT: RG, really the only question is do you want your wife, or do you want this OW? If the answer is W, come clean my friend.


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## Michie

If you love your wife, don't **** around on her. That would present evidence to the contrary, would it not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia

We humans are weak in front of temptation. You feel tempted, and sooner or later will fall into that temptation. I know you love your job but there's a saying : "cut the evil from its root" . You're new there, your attachement to your job, workplace, colleagues is still minimal. You can choose to leave NOW, coz the longer you stay, the harder will be to quit. And the longer your thoughts linger around this woman, the stronger your attraction for her will grow. If you leave NOW, in a few weeks, focusing on your marriage and on your new job, you will forget her. If you allow your feelings to escalate, it will get ugly.
You may not like the idea of quitting, but I honestly don't see another way. Do it, and you don't need to tell you wife why you left this job. Let sleeping dogs lie.


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## RedGrant

I think there is a huge confusion with several posting here. 

1. I have not ever cheated on my wife.
2. I am interested in not thinking about the coworker romantically.

Can someone please help me with point two?


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## RClawson

Uh Red allow me to chime in. Not to be an a$$ but you are 31 not 13. Feelings are fickle my friend. I am pretty confident that you are an fairly determined and intelligent individual seeing as how you have achieved such a station in life at such a young age.

Since it would appear you will not leave your job, it being impossible to do so and all, I suggest you act like a mature adult who covenanted with his wife to live a life of total fidelity. 

Oh and change your schedule as much as possible. Quit worrying about how your co worker may feel. All you are obliged to be is polite.


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## EleGirl

RedGrant said:


> I think there is a huge confusion with several posting here.
> 
> 1. I have not ever cheated on my wife.
> 2. I am interested in not thinking about the coworker romantically.
> 
> Can someone please help me with point two?


You have been given a large part of the answer to your question in post #8 but are apparently ignoring it.

Your focus here is completely wrong. You keep just talking about the feelings you have for this other woman. Just stop talking about her. Stop thinking about her. Every time you start to think of her refocus your thoughts on your wife. You can do this. I've used this technique before and it works great. It just takes some discipline.

Your feelings for this woman are not your real problem. They are a symptom. The real problem in your marriage. There is something wrong with your relationship with your wife. You say that she’s in medical school. When my husband was in medical school we hardly had any time together. I’ll bet that the tw of you do not spend enough time together.

Do the two of you spend 15 hours a week doing date-like things, just the two of you? How’s your sex life with your wife? You are not getting your needs met by your wife so your subconscious is looking for someone else to fill your needs… and this woman is apparently appeals to your subconscious. 

Get the books I suggested, read them, do what they say to do and work on your marriage. Your feelings for this woman will fade.

If you are not interested in working on your marriage, you are going to have an affair because you seem to have very little real control over yourself.


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## Zing

You sound frustrated (rightly so) and are rattling the members of this forum for answers to cure your temptation...but your temptation is a part of your mind...something that you alone can cure...besides RedGrant, it's all already here in writing - 
You've had advice from members who've undergone the temptation phase, from members who've been at the receiving end of the aftermath and from members who've had stable marriages... and all of their advice relies on some form of action from your end...Now, it's up to you to choose what path you want to take.

The truth is that you could go to any psychologist or read any book - but it would all boil down to the advice in the posts above.... advice from a number of mature sensible married men and women who've seen different facets of life...

You are attracted to your co-worker...
Granted she has done nothing wrong, so you don't want to start seeing her in a different (negative) light just to crush your temptation. 
Granted, you have an excellent job that you do not want to give up
You do not want to move positions/places and you don't want her to be moved either. 
Infact, you say you don't even want to ignore her as that may appear rude.
You don't want to tell your wife either as it's not yet technically cheating...
Then my friend, let me tell you that there is no magic sentence/statement that would cure temptation -if so, don't you think many men would have used it before...

When I'm tempted by anything and have seriously wanted to give it up, the best method I've resorted to is to take it up with an authority that can put an instant end to it.

If a student was coaxing me to co-cheat in exams, the only solution for an instant end was to this issue was approaching the teacher. Yes, the student is going to hate me but years down the line what matters is that I didn't cheat/get caught and tarnish my grades permanently. 
If there's a chocolate cake in my house that I'm desperately resisting...if its sitting there in front of me...trust me I could think all about the calorific aspect and health aspect to shut it away, but within a day or two I am going to down large chunks of it (I am known to eat an entire cake by myself!). So, I get rid of it instantly by dividing it into big pieces and distributing it to my family/friends etc. 
*The reason you are so tempted by her is because she sits in front of you everyday and yet you know that you shouldn't have her...much like the chocolate cake on my dining table that I shouldn't be having...* 
In my university year, I obsessed over a certain celebrity - so much so that I would eat, drink, sleep him...any movie of his I'd watch...watch...watch...7 -8 times over and over again...I had no access to internet or the sort to get info etc, so I actually had to research different theatres that I could visit to watch his movie...any friend to mine who'd feed my temptation by talking about him was a good friend and the others just boring...I lied to my parents about why I needed the money to go to cinemas and watch his movies....now, when did this temptation go? When there was less and less of him to watch...no further news to feed...so it sort of died down in months...I'm sure if I could see him/read about him everyday etc my obsession would never have ended so soon lol...

*The only way to end temptation is to remove yourself from the face of it.*..so, either approach your wife -carefully weighing your words in advance or try to remove yourself from her vicinity as far as possible.


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## tobio

It is scary how many justifications you are already making...

*I can't change my job because...
*I'm not telling my wife because...
*I go out of my way to time my leaving so we can catch the train together
*My wife is an 8 but she is a 10 ( having said your wife WAS a 10)

I am the wife that had this happen TO ME. Somewhat "luckily" (and I use that work loosely) my husband decided to confess after him and the OW had kissed but before it went any further.

Thus followed a couple of months of general hellishness where he was in the "fog" (aka loved up, read up about it), and she decided she absolutely had to have him.

You are walking a fine line. Tell me again, why was it you got married? Was there something mentioned about loving and honouring your wife "except when I meet someone I REALLY fancy"?

Nope don't remember that bit?

Man up and deal with it, instead of acting like a lovesick teenager. Or it's only going to end badly.


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## Flowers

The message from everyone here is very clear, stay away from that woman! Thats the right thing to do.


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## AlmostYoung

RedGrant said:


> I think there is a huge confusion with several posting here.
> 
> 1. I have not ever cheated on my wife.
> 2. I am interested in not thinking about the coworker romantically.
> 
> Can someone please help me with point two?


1. Incorrect. You are in an emotional affair, my friend. It's just in its infancy. The good news is you realize it is wrong, and want to end it. The bad news is you're refusing to take the necessary steps to do that.

2. Tell your wife everything. Tell her you love her and would like her help getting over this. Problem solved. There can be no secrets in a successful marriage.


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## Emerald

Fair enough.

You've removed quitting your job & telling your wife.

What about counseling?


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## Tigger

I am just truly amazed at your inability to just be professional and do your job. I don't understand why you are an executive if you have so little self control?

Just focus on your job and push thoughts aside. If i was your boss and knew you couldn't do that, I would fire you.


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## ubercoolpanda

Does the co worker have feelings for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

First off, avoid the pretty coworker like the plague. If you must work with her, keep the conversation all business. You may have to be somewhat rude in cutting off non-business-related conversation.

Secondly, when you're thoughts turn to her, consciously return your thoughts to your wife. Think about things you really enjoy about your wife.

A new person showing you attention can affect your mind like a drug. You have to retrain your mind.


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## Tonilou

I tried to read through all the the thread so I'm not sure if anyone has said this. Guess what? The girl your fantasizing about is flawed in some way, you've not had a chance to see her not put together, without make up. You haven't been around when she's had a bad day and is so tired from smiling and trying to please everyone at work that she goes home and bites her husbands head off just for asking "what's for dinner?". Marriages aren't ever perfect. Her husband has seen this side of her and you haven't. Think of that, keep telling yourself she's not a ten because she is flawed just like the rest of us. Instead, keep telling yourself your wife is a ten. She's seen you at your worst and yet she still loves you. That makes her a ten. Hope this helps.

Please, go home, take your wife in your arms, tell her how beautiful she is to you and watch her blossom. We need this from our husbands so much! Take her to a nice dinner where she can get all dolled up with maybe a dress you've picked out because you know she'll look smokin'! Then take her home and make love to her like you never have before. I know in our marriages the love making can become routine.....surprise her.


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## swedish

:iagree:

and force yourself to go back to the old train schedule so you do not speak to her outside of work.


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## Mavash.

I think the only way you're going to fix this is either:

1) get a new job

2) tell your wife.

You're obviously way deep in the fog if she's the first thing you think about in the morning.


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## RedGrant

Thanks again for all the comments. Everyone seems to be saying "tell your wife".

I have a marriage that has remained consistent the last 4 years. I never felt like this about anyone and I don't know how my wife will take it if I say ive developed feelings for a coworker.

I'm putting myself in her shoes. I don't notice any change in her attitude. If tomorrow she came home and said, "i dont know how to tell you this but i have feelings for a guy i work with", i dont know how id react.

I'd be concerned everytime she went to work. Even if she changed jobs I'd wonder if this is the first time shes felt this way in our marriage or has she had these problems the entire marriage going back to when we dated. 

Essentially I'd always be stressed out if I were her and she told me she had feelings for a coworker. I might even want her to quit her job....then i'd worry at the new job she'd feel that way about someone else but this time not telling me.

Regarding the other question if my coworker has feelings for me. No shes just friendly and completely innocent in all this. I'm entirely to blame.


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## kiss

"The _man_ doth protest too much, methinks" ... look it up in Wikipedia!

It might even distract your _uncontrollable_ mind for a while from the charms of the lady worker. Imho you're enjoying this too much to give it up. Behaviour is normally repeated when it has a reward... whats yours?


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## AlmostYoung

RedGrant said:


> I have a marriage that has remained consistent the last 4 years. I never felt like this about anyone and I don't know how my wife will take it if I say ive developed feelings for a coworker.
> 
> I'm putting myself in her shoes. I don't notice any change in her attitude. If tomorrow she came home and said, "i dont know how to tell you this but i have feelings for a guy i work with", i dont know how id react.
> 
> I'd be concerned everytime she went to work. Even if she changed jobs I'd wonder if this is the first time shes felt this way in our marriage or has she had these problems the entire marriage going back to when we dated.
> 
> Essentially I'd always be stressed out if I were her and she told me she had feelings for a coworker. I might even want her to quit her job....then i'd worry at the new job she'd feel that way about someone else but this time not telling me.


You're right, your wife will be hurt... but also glad that you confided in her early on. You'll still have to earn her trust back, but it will be MUCH easier now than it will be when she finds out about your affair on her own... which I'm not afraid to say is where you're heading. 

Why do I say that? Because you admit it yourself that you can't stop fantasizing about OW from the moment you wake up! The whole reason you started this thread* is because you realized you couldn't control your feelings _and actions_ on your own. 

_Enlist your wife's help!_ while you still have that option. She will ensure you succeed nipping this affair in the bud, even if you have to update her every hour. This is how you will earn her trust back. _With complete honesty._ 

It will still take some time and effort for you to get over dream girl and W to fully trust you again, but isn't your marriage worth it?

*Kuddos to you for that.


----------



## Zing

RedGrant said:


> Everyone seems to be saying "tell your wife".
> 
> If tomorrow she came home and said, "i dont know how to tell you this but i have feelings for a guy i work with", i dont know how id react.
> 
> I'd be concerned everytime she went to work. Even if she changed jobs I'd wonder if this is the first time shes felt this way in our marriage or has she had these problems the entire marriage going back to when we dated.
> 
> Essentially I'd always be stressed out if I were her and she told me she had feelings for a coworker. I might even want her to quit her job....then i'd worry at the new job she'd feel that way about someone else but this time not telling me.


Yup, but THAT'S precisely the reaction needed here to bring this mind-affair to an end...its called the spouse's watchful eye and can be quite powerful - something that would make you think twice before you start getting lured into something like this again...


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## Granny7

Red Grant,
I am your wife right now and I'm in emotional pain. Just pretend that I am. I was married 25 yrs. when my H had an an emotional/sexual affair with a secretary at his job and he was a senior executive. The difference is she flirted with him and him being 38 enjoyed this new attention. She too was married with 2 children. They started out with drinks at a conference, then he asked her to lunch, then dinner, then a weekend was planned. This lasted 3 yrs. and he was hooked and couldn't give her up. I found out about it when her husband sent me a letter along with the love letters my H sent to her. What started out as flirting, almost cost him his 3 figure job of 22 yrs., his family and the worse pain I've ever experienced. I almost took my life over this affair that started out with her flirting with him. It took 5 yrs. of counseling, totally changed our marriage for life and now 25 yrs. later, since I never got all the truth I'm suffering from PTSD. Don't ask me why, I don't know. But the affair he had changed me as a person, changed our youngest daughter's life and hurt her. The wonderful, carefree and trusting relationship that we had has never recovered. I sincerely wish I had divorced him as it lasted 3 yrs. off and on. I couldn't have loved him any more than I did and I thought he felt the same way. My life, our life has been forever changed because of this affair. Talk to your wife, tell her of this temptation and if you can't do this, PLEASE listen to the pain I've suffered and am still in. Do you want to do this to your wife who loves you? You could lose your job over this, as the OW's husband almost came to my husbands office when he found out and was going to punch his lights out. Can you imagine that happening to you? After her husband sent me the love letters my husband wrote to the OW, he divorced her a year later. Two little girls lives were also changed due to the selfishness of 2 married people. I CAN'T DESCRIBE THE PAIN I'VE BEEN THROUGH! Please don't do this to your wife. Get away from this person as quick as possible and listen to all the advice you've been given.

Granny7


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## anchorwatch

Hey let's really be be honest. 

That's the best you can do for a first post on a marriage forum? Dig up an old thread and encourage cheating? 

Speak for yourself about what feelings you don't get anymore. After forty years I still get that felling with my W.

You'll find I'm not all that alone.


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## Wiserforit

RedGrant said:


> I'm putting myself in her shoes.


Second related lie to yourself and to us. You claimed you were 100% transparent, and "proved" that by giving an example of some other girl who wasn't a threat to the marriage.

The only ones that are important to be transparent about are the ones that are threats to the marriage.

This is a rationalized version of putting yourself in her shoes:



> If tomorrow she came home and said, "i dont know how to tell you this but i have feelings for a guy i work with", i dont know how id react.


No, putting yourself in her shoes would be a third party coming to her and saying they are watching this little secretary exercise all of this sexual power over you, with you changing your train schedule in hopes of an affair, and rationalizing away any warning to the wife about what you are doing. 

She's going to love you a lot more for warning her than for concealing it and acting like you are.

This secretary is not stupid. It takes the brains of a cow to understand when someone is interested in you, and a secretary with the kind of beauty you claim has been aware of how to use it since she was a little child. 

This kind of power thrives in secrecy. Bringing the white heat of light upon it and having an ally in your wife is what breaks the spell. It is the little rationalization hamster in your head that has you concealing this from the wife, not concern for her feelings.


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## PrettyHappyOverall

Granny7, you're a troll. Your husband is 38 and you've been married 22 years? If you're going to troll, at least take a basic math course. Then again, maybe you live in Alabama.......
Grant, what it really boils down to is you are greedy. If your wife truly is an 8 and you've only been married 4 1/2 years, you have some serious issues. You need a shrink, or it will happen again and again. Most guys would give their left foot to have an 8 at home; you seem to be in the market for an upgrade. I'm guessing you are the type of person who isn't happy driving a Corolla and is always looking to get a Porsche.
Men want one thing from every woman; women want everything from one man. Nature developed us to want to spread our seed as far as possible, but the reality is society doesn't allow it, so you have to play by the rules, and judging by your comments you have things pretty good. You either need to buck up and admit you are a lucky man or leave her before you do any more damage and let some other guy have the benefit of an 8.
Besides, the grass is always greener. I've gone out with raving beauties many a time, and it has been my experience that they are almost universally shallow and greedy. If she's flirting with you and she's married, what do you think she'd do if she was with you? You think she'd be satisfied? For all you know, she has a power fascination and doesn't think much of you as a person at all. Or worse, she may be trying to bed you in order to extort you.
Staying faithful isn't hard, I've done it for 14 years or so. My wife may not be a 10 physically, but she's pretty amazing overall, and in 20 years when we're old and wrinkled she'll still be amazing, and your work chick will be just as old and wrinkled. Marriage should be like having a favorite book; the slipcover is irrelevant, since they all get torn up anyways, it is the content that matters.
Ditch the *****, and say a prayer to whatever deity you worship thanking him for what you have.


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## Caribbean Man

*LittleDeer* said:


> *You say your wife is an 8. Soemone else probably thinks she's a 10.*


Haven't read any other comments, but this comment made me chuckle.

It is soooooo true!


----------



## Granny7

I'll do the math again for you. I'm not a troll first of all and not after anyone's money and I'm excellent in math. Just made a mistake, which some of us do. We got married at 18, he started the affair with her at the age of 40, so we had been married 22 years at that time, not that it matters, but it seems to matter to you. I found out about the 3 yr. affair one year after it was over. So it ended when we had been married 25 yrs. found out after 26 yrs. of marriage. I hope this straighten's it out for you. I'm a woman, not a man first of all. We are still together 26 yrs. later, but not happily. Still working on the PTSD that has invaded my life due to his recent behavior with drinking and depression over loss's in the stock market. I'm not a greedy money seeking woman. I came from a poor family and we started our marriage with $90 between us and we both worked our way up by making smart decisions, with the exception of his stupid one, the Affair, which he readily admits, but it can't be taken back. The damage to our marriage will always be there. The pure love that I had shared with him and only him in my life time was taken away due to his selfishness of giving into temptation. He would have never started the flirting with a woman, it wasn't his style. He has an addictive and selfish personality so when she came on to him he didn't turn it down. He also felt that since he had worked his way up the ladder he felt invisible and could have this fun and I would never find out. After all, I wasn't getting hurt as I didn't suspect anything. I couldn't have loved him anymore than I did and he sure knew it, but took it for granted. A wife of 22 years (hope I got that right) can't compete sometimes with a fresh face and someone 6 yrs. younger. And yes, I looked young for my age and was an 8 and just as pretty as she was, she was just new and he was weak!

I don't drive a Porsche, I drive a Toyota and love it. Money isn't what brings happiness, I know because I didn't have it as a child or when I first got married and I was a lot happier then than I am now. I would trade in everything we own and go back to our beginning where we started out with $90 and have a husband who only loved me. That's how important monogamy is to me and he was fully aware of how I felt about it. No, I'm not from Alabama, which you shouldn't be slamming either. 

Yes, she was a shallow and greedy person and purposely tried to seek my husband out with her flirting. She felt pretty darn good capturing an executive while she worked as a secretary (no offense intended to secretaries, they work hard) and didn't like her life and wanted a better one. Forget her blue collar worked husband and her 2 beautiful little girls. She was just out to have fun, get her ego boosted by my husband and his position, with no regard to the damage she was going to do to a family. Her husband divorced her one year after he sent me the letter telling me about his wife's affair. She has since remarried twice, so what does that tell you? She obviously wasn't satisfied with what she had and was on a power trip and who knows might have wanted my husband, even though that was never his intention. He was in it for the ego boost and going through a midlife crisis, I guess. He sure wasn't lacking anything at home, quite the opposite. He couldn't have been showered with any more love or praise than I gave him and I felt the same way about him after we had been married 25 years as the day I married him. I was so proud of our marriage and our 25th. Anniversary that was coming up, never suspecting that she had just ended the affair 2 months before. It was supposedly mutual but I think my husband was still enjoying seeing her periodically as they did the last 2 years of the affair. 

So, I originally responded to your post to let you know how much damage an affair can cause, even in a happy marriage by one person coming on to another. He regrets it now and says it's hard to even imagine himself doing what he did. Now he's trying, finally to be a better person but it might be to late. I've been through a lot these past 25 yrs. as he didn't learn from his mistake, still drank to much and was a controlling person. All this made it difficult to live with him but I still loved him. Now, I'm not sure anymore. At 69 it's hard to start life over after being married 51 years, but maybe the counselor can help. We're both working on it to try and salvage it, but happiness is the most important thing in a marriage, otherwise you need to get out of it. So hopefully after all the "not true, except for a math mistake" will show you how false all the things you said were about me, not that I care. Affairs to me are the worse thing that can happen to the betrayed spouse, no one can truly understand the damage till they see the results on their spouse's face and the pain in their heart.

Granny7


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## pink_lady

PrettyHappyOverall said:


> Nature developed us to want to spread our seed as far as possible, but the reality is society doesn't allow it, so you have to play by the rules.


Society doesn't really care- marriage is what doesn't allow it. 

If a man does not want a committed relationship and all the responsibility that comes with it, for God's sake just don't get married! You'd think they were forced into it by the government or something.

OP at only 31 and you're this desperate for variety, you may want to think about divorcing. You can chase whomever you want, and your wife can find someone who really wants to be with her.


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## Granny7

pink_lady said:


> Society doesn't really care- marriage is what doesn't allow it.
> 
> If a man does not want a committed relationship and all the responsibility that comes with it, for God's sake just don't get married! You'd think they were forced into it by the government or something.
> 
> OP at only 31 and you're this desperate for variety, you may want to think about divorcing. You can chase whomever you want, and your wife can find someone who really wants to be with her.


Pink lady,
I couldn't have said it any better. My husband didn't even think about the word commitment or respect for me. He thought it wasn't so bad because I didn't know about it and I wasn't getting hurt. He didn't show the remorse he should have afterwards and lied about everything. If I had known the total truth in the beginning he would have been out the door. I didn't for over 8 months and totally devastated me when I found out and at that point I was in such bad shape from the stress of his affair I wasn't strong enough to take different actions. I so wish now that I had! He knew my feelings about affairs and I had always told him, "jokingly" that he would be out the door if he ever did that to me. Yet, he lied and I didn't kick him out. I had also said what you mentioned. If you are going to have an affair have the decency to get out of the marriage first. I'll never understand how anyone can have an affair and look at themselves in the mirror. Come home and sleep with their spouse and act normal. I sure couldn't!
Granny7


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## sosotired

RedGrant said:


> Thanks again for all the comments. Everyone seems to be saying "tell your wife".
> 
> I have a marriage that has remained consistent the last 4 years. * I never felt like this about anyone* and I don't know how my wife will take it if I say ive developed feelings for a coworker.
> 
> Regarding the other question if my coworker has feelings for me. No shes just friendly and completely innocent in all this. -- Maybe but I wouldn't know until I heard her responses-- sometimes people play the game.


Seems like a common phrase here, "she (OW) is the love of my life..." 

You are in a fog. Focus on your wife. Ask or pray everyday to love, appreciate your wife more and get this OW out of your mind.

No excuses on what you perceive her reaction may be. She may even be helpful b/c of your *honesty*.


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## sosotired

Granny7 said:


> Pink lady,
> I couldn't have said it any better. My husband didn't even think about the word commitment or respect for me. He thought it wasn't so bad because I didn't know about it and I wasn't getting hurt..... *I'll never understand how anyone can have an affair and look at themselves in the mirror. Come home and sleep with their spouse and act normal.*


Agree. 

Funny thing is my H complained that other people in business have lied to him before. When he had an EA, what did he do to me?

Just don't understand.


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## sosotired

Granny7 said:


> Red Grant,
> I am your wife right now and I'm in emotional pain. Just pretend that I am. I was married 25 yrs. when my H had an an emotional/sexual affair with a secretary at his job and he was a senior executive. The difference is she flirted with him and him being 38 enjoyed this new attention. She too was married with 2 children. They started out with drinks at a conference, then he asked her to lunch, then dinner, then a weekend was planned. This lasted 3 yrs. and he was hooked and couldn't give her up. I found out about it when her husband sent me a letter along with the love letters my H sent to her. What started out as flirting, almost cost him his 3 figure job of 22 yrs., his family and the worse pain I've ever experienced. I almost took my life over this affair that started out with her flirting with him. It took 5 yrs. of counseling, totally changed our marriage for life and now 25 yrs. later, since I never got all the truth I'm suffering from PTSD. Don't ask me why, I don't know. But the affair he had changed me as a person, changed our youngest daughter's life and hurt her. The wonderful, carefree and trusting relationship that we had has never recovered. I sincerely wish I had divorced him as it lasted 3 yrs. off and on. I couldn't have loved him any more than I did and I thought he felt the same way.* My life, our life has been forever changed because of this affair. Talk to your wife, tell her of this temptation and if you can't do this, PLEASE listen to the pain I've suffered and am still in. *Do you want to do this to your wife who loves you? You could lose your job over this, as the OW's husband almost came to my husbands office when he found out and was going to punch his lights out. Can you imagine that happening to you? After her husband sent me the love letters my husband wrote to the OW, he divorced her a year later. Two little girls lives were also changed due to the selfishness of 2 married people. I CAN'T DESCRIBE THE PAIN I'VE BEEN THROUGH! Please don't do this to your wife. Get away from this person as quick as possible and listen to all the advice you've been given.
> 
> Granny7


So true! I've experienced that stress. It' s horrible to do that to another person. 

Not saying there is some true to what you see in the OP, but keep in mind, More than half of your EA is a fairy tale in your mind. Come back to reality. If something is missing in your relationship, ask your wife for it. Otherwise, after a few years with the OW, you'll be right back to where you are today.


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## funkberries

RedGrant said:


> Little,
> 
> I appreciate your comments. First of all I do feel awful with myself. As I said I never felt this way ever before. As I said my wife is beautiful and I love her and I don't know why this has happened. I feel like im being tested by God.
> 
> Quitting is out of the question. I cant get another job this same level so easily. I just don't want to think about this girl in my office - i really want it to go away but I have to see her everyday.
> 
> Instead of just berating me cant you see i feel awful with myself. I cant help the way my mind is feeling. I've come here cause its an private board and I'm looking for advice. I dont wanna hurt my wife I wanna go back to the way things were 3 months ago where she was the only woman I fantasized about.
> 
> If it helps any bit I cannot reiterate enough I feel awful about myself.


Grant, I can totally understand where you are coming from. Shortly before I got married to my wife, I got the best job I've ever had. A job that has taken me years of sacrifice and wading through other muck jobs just to get. Unfortunately, at my job is a woman who absolutely drives me crazy. She's been married since I've known her and now, of course, I'm married as well. We both share the same core belief's, the same interests, we even share the same hobby. She'll look at me with that look and I'll look at her with that same look, but we've never even spoken of our attraction to each other much less acted on it. I know she loves her husband and I love my wife. But I think we could both easily fall in love with each other if we weren't careful. There was one time we were working on a difficult project together and when we finally got the job done we high five'd and as soon as our hands touched we both quickly jerked away and we couldn't even look at each other. So, I know it's hard when you are that attracted to someone, to not think of them obsessively.

What has helped me is to think of how much I love my wife. When I start having thoughts of her, I immediately switch my thoughts to positive memories I've built with my wife. This has helped me a tremendously. Sometimes you will just have to ignore this woman on purpose and that will help as well. Distance to attraction is like water to fire. There have been weeks where, after a period of extreme attraction to each other, my co-worker and I have purposely ignored each other and it helped a lot.

It's also not about just you. I saw my co-worker out at a social function with her husband once and she looked the happiest I've ever seen her look. That's another tool I have that I use. If I start to get to the point where I feel like I may act on my feelings, I think about how I would hurt my wife and my co-worker and how I would hurt myself as well and that helps the logical side of me to regain control and avoid disaster.

To summarize, there isn't going to be one magic bullet that will get this woman out of your head. What you're going to have to do is use a variety of tools, depending on the situation, to help you avoid losing everything you love. You're not abnormal, you're not a horrible person, you're simply human. Recognizing that fact, however, you should strive to live an above normal life if you're a believer. You say you feel like God is testing you, no He's not. The devil is tempting you brother. And if you don't cling tight to God and seek after him for strength by studying His word, praying, and spending time with fellow believers, all the tools in the world won't stop you from making a decision which you WILL massively regret later.

Bottom line is, it's up to you to put in the effort to not make this bad call. And only you can decide which path you would like to take.


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