# My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?



## ihat (Oct 21, 2010)

A little background, my wife and I have been together for 4 years, and married for 2 with no children. Our sex life has always been amazing (4-6 times a week) until she started her new job. She is an RN and works a night shift, so she is tired very often and i understand this and respect her wishes. Also in this same time period i have felt that our relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me. well, this morning she gets home from work and i make an attempt to have sex with her and she says no. As i said before i try to respect her wishes because i know her job is hard on her, so i leave the subject alone. Well less than five minutes later, i go into our bedroom to tell her that im leaving and i find her masturbating. I was immediately offended but i offered to give a hand or have sex since she was obviously in the mood, and she asked if i could leave the room. 
So why would she rather masturbate than have sex with me? I have found that this is making me feel very inadequate, and im not sure is I can ever make love to my wife again without wondering why she would rather share the experience with herself, than with her husband.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Did you ask her why she preferred to do it herself?


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

The answer to "why" could be many things. I highly doubt it's your skill in the bedroom though. My guess is it has more to do with your feeling that your, "relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me."

One thing I've learned from this website is the power of resentment (deserved or not) to create a wall in a relationship. Can you think of any reasons she might resent you right now. Things said, not said, maybe this new job.

If it is something like that it will grow and fester and she will resist being with you emotionally or physically (like this morning.)


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm gonna let my overactive imagination go to work here.
She doesn't want to spend time with you, you imply that there is a bit of a "coldness" from her, and she doesn't want to have sex with you.
She's a RN, working the night shift. Usually the newest doctors are on that shift. And by newest, I mean young, handsome SINGLE and with a bright future ahead of them.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you may have to consider the possibility of an affair here.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The timing of it was a completely hostile act on her part.

It was not just a preference of masturbation over sex with you.

I'd buy that if you had not just tried to be intimate with her and when you came into the bedroom even then she rejected you.

Something is up. Find out what it is.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

It makes perfect sense. She's tired (from night shift) so she probably just wants a quick orgasm and then sleep. There is nothing quicker than masturbating by yourself alone, and it requires minimal effort. Drawing it out for longer with a partner may not appeal to her because she is tired (and if you do many night shifts, studies have shown that it is bad for your health, as well as making you constantly tired).

Is it possible to wait and bring it up at a more appropriate time, say on her days off or when she gets up after sleeping? If you let her rest, she won't be so tired and thus will be more open to it. It sounds pretty clear cut to me.


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

I am going to throw something out there and you can take from it what you choose. While i agree there may be some serious issues here it may also come down to something simple. Masturbation is not always about sex or intimacy or any thing else dramatic. It can also be about one persons relationship with themselves. It could be simply that she wanted an orgasm. not all the drama and work of a sexual encounter, but a quick bit of alone time. It might make sense after a tough shift. I know it is not easy to accept from a male ego standpoint, but...
I admit it sounds like there are things there that need to be talked about but i would not jump on the affair bus just yet.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

work on ur relationship issues, then only think about sex...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

76Trombones said:


> It makes perfect sense. She's tired (from night shift) so she probably just wants a quick orgasm and then sleep. There is nothing quicker than masturbating by yourself alone, and it requires minimal effort


As a woman, i'd also go ahead and say the above. I have many times when i'm tired from work and i want an orgasm because it's an "anti-stress" pill. If i'm allowed to be more revealing, i can actually afford to have 5-6 of them in a pretty short interval by myself (it's probably due to all that "practice" i've had in over 15 years of doing it and knowing all the buttons to push to get there quite fast). 

At that moment of tiredness, sex with a partner (and the responsibility it implies, of not just sitting there and feeling pleasure but giving too) can be the last thing on your mind. 

To note that sometimes i'm not in an actual mood for sex. I just go do it because i know it lifts my mood, makes my body relax. Like i said, stress reliever. The pressure you guys feel down there when you don't do anything, i personally believe us women feel in our heads. That's probably why some of us are cranky close to hysterical when we go without for long.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

ihat said:


> A little background, my wife and I have been together for 4 years, and married for 2 with no children. Our sex life has always been amazing (4-6 times a week) until she started her new job. She is an RN and works a night shift, so she is tired very often and i understand this and respect her wishes. Also in this same time period i have felt that our relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me. well, this morning she gets home from work and i make an attempt to have sex with her and she says no. As i said before i try to respect her wishes because i know her job is hard on her, so i leave the subject alone. Well less than five minutes later, i go into our bedroom to tell her that im leaving and i find her masturbating. I was immediately offended but i offered to give a hand or have sex since she was obviously in the mood, and she asked if i could leave the room.
> So why would she rather masturbate than have sex with me? I have found that this is making me feel very inadequate, and im not sure is I can ever make love to my wife again without wondering why she would rather share the experience with herself, than with her husband.


Brush up your skills and always be playful & unpredictable.  I musterbate a lot but only f my husband twice a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

From what I am going through with my H, I agree with Ted.

When there are resentments from a spouse (and the OTHER spouse ALWAYS KNOWS deep inside what those resentments are!!!), it comes out in the bedroom.

I've been reading Schnarch's books, and in his sex therapy he helps each spouse overcome their own limitations. Once that is done, and they are strong and healthy in themselves, desire naturally flows. It is not about technique in sex, it is about desiring the other and loving the other, and making yourself vulnerable. Like opening your eyes during sex, or during orgasm, really letting your partner see you.

That's why the best sex happens in your 40's, 50's, 60's.

My H and I are going to counseling now, and after we got home from our first session, he did something for me that I have been wanting him to do a long time. Never underestimate the power of counseling either.

If she were just tired, AND she was open and loving to you, she would say, "Honey, I'm so tired now, you can sit and watch me", or "Let's you and I get together tomorrow, I just am doing this quickie".

She pushed you away, she knowingly hurt you. AND SHE KNOWS IT.

(I will start posting again next week - have been busy dealing with some personal stuff).


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sara Ann said:


> She pushed you away, she knowingly hurt you. AND SHE KNOWS IT.


This was my point in a nutshell.

Everyone makes good points about just wanting stress relief after a difficult night working as an RN.

But the context of rejecting sex and then running off to the bedroom to masturbate is the clue to the whole dynamic.

How many threads have there been on this and similar forums regarding a rejected wife whose husband does the same have there been? The general conclusion on those threads is that he has a problem and needs to change.

Seems like she has a problem. Is it an affair? Can't say. But her problem includes hostility for something in her relationship with you.

If you hadn't just attempted to have sex with her and literally 5 minutes later she's diddling herself behind the unlocked bedroom door ( as if you wouldn't be going in there? She wanted you to find her so she could reject you overtly.) all those arguments about her just needing stress relieve would apply.

There is a whole 'nuther layer to this than that.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You've gotten some very good suggestions on what may possibly be going on.

Maybe I discuss technique for a minute just to cover additional bases. 

When you say:


> Our sex life has always been amazing


Are you 100% certain she would agree? I'll share my story in case it's useful to you. When my H and I first got together, I considered it my duty (duty of love, mind you) to engage him sexually whenever he was interested. Mind you, I was often also interested, so it worked out. However, I found myself without orgasm a VERY disproportionate amount of times and started to resent him and resent the whole act of having sex with him. He was very sensitive to criticism and I tried to find very gentle ways of encouraging him to, well, get me off. But at first I was so worried about bruising his ego that I spent way too long pretending that either I had been pleased or that I was just fine with not having "finished" and he could just "catch me next time". Anyway, my point is that, if you had asked him back then, he would have said that our sex life was "amazing" ... however, it was amazing for HIM. In the meantime, I grew to resent him something awful and, eventually, took to pleasing myself over doing it with him. This, of course, was in large part my mistake for not speaking up for my needs and for not even respecting the fact that I did have needs.

Not saying this is your situation. Just suggesting that you be sure that the sex life WAS amazing. Women rarely throw away "amazing" sex lives for masturbation.

Having said that, given the nightshift work, I would also consider not approaching her for sex right after she's coming home from a night shift. I can see how a quick individual session would be much more appealing than all that's involved in sex with a partner.

Finally, seems like there are problems outside the bedroom that need to be address. Focus on those first ... chances are that's the source of the sexual problems anyway.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lots of double standards on this board.

If a man dosen't get head then hes supost to except it.
If a woman don't get head then she married to the biggest jerk in the world.

If a woman would rather Jilloff(masterbate)then she was to tired or some other bull **** excuse

But if a man would rather masterbate then theres a real problem and hes addicted to porn. 

Not really responding to people who responded to this particular thread.
It just seems like there are two set of rules conserning certian things.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> Lots of double standards on this board.
> 
> If a man dosen't get head then hes supost to except it.
> If a woman don't get head then she married to the biggest jerk in the world.
> ...


Keep coming back and you'll find that there are really no "rules" , it's more about how some people view reality.


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## anonymom (Oct 13, 2010)

76Trombones said:


> It makes perfect sense. She's tired (from night shift) so she probably just wants a quick orgasm and then sleep. There is nothing quicker than masturbating by yourself alone, and it requires minimal effort. Drawing it out for longer with a partner may not appeal to her because she is tired (and if you do many night shifts, studies have shown that it is bad for your health, as well as making you constantly tired).
> 
> Is it possible to wait and bring it up at a more appropriate time, say on her days off or when she gets up after sleeping? If you let her rest, she won't be so tired and thus will be more open to it. It sounds pretty clear cut to me.


I agree with this. There are times when I am just exhausted and I want to orgasm then fall right to sleep. Nothing against my husband, personally.


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## usedandabused (Oct 25, 2010)

Might I offer another view point? I am not saying to not watch for other behaviors that might be signaling something else, BUT the other explanation from a woman's point of view is that women are taught at a young age to be people pleasers BIG TIME. Meaning, she probably wanted alone time because not only did she want to orgasm by herself, because it would be quick, but, she wouldn't have to feel guilty about not pleasuring you because she was too tired. Might I also suggest another way you could surprise her? Go onto youtube.com and look up the omgym, you could use it for lovemaking, it's suppose to make positions alot easier, and if she is working hard, why not make it easier for her to 'layback..?' So to speak. They also use the omgym for Tantra, might I suggest getting a book on Tantra, and practice on the omgym? Just some helpful ideas!


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

I feel your pain. First of all, It's very hard to not take this personally. It's not your fault, it's her choice. I had this happen to me recently. She aske me to run up to MCDonalds one moring to fetch breakfast. I was gone, no more than 5 minutes. I got home, and I walked in on her getting herself off. I felt a myraid of mixed feelings. This is a tough one, especially if there is unstablility in your relationship. I felt that she sent me off, so she could do what she wanted. She claims no, but I really don't believe that. She tried to be nice, but I rejected her. I asked her, Why do you not want me or like me looking at porn? Her reply was, it makes her feel less than, like I'm compairing her, yadda, yadda yadda. I asked her, if you walked in the room and I suddenly closed the IE windows, or looked like I was hiding something, she gets pissed off. Well, she was hiding this. She didn't ask me to leave the room, but she asked me to leave the house.. She didn't want me to be a part of it, she didnt' want me to know about it, and she didn't wnat me to see it. Well, If I were looking at porn, guess what I would be doing the same thing right? That's called projection. We will never know the real truth. It hurt, it made me feel bad. She rejected me and it felt like rejection. It was! That's on her. My wife claimed, she was really aroused and wanted more after breakfast, but didn't say anything to me before I left, there are lots of holes in her story. After I explained the porn issue, I think that hit home with her. I know she does this when I'm at work and she's home alone. There's nothing I can do about it. and sometimes, I do to. I don't judge her. We know what we're doing, and sometimes we project our stuff on to them. You will either have to face it, and let it go, or it's going to eat you alive. It hurt. It wasn't fair and it's not. This is a very tough thing to deal with and how do you? I don't know yet. I"m still working on it. We've had itimacy issues, and we were doing fine and I didn't think she would need to do this, if things were good. I guess, woman are different. I don't know. This is a trust issue. A really big trust issue. Mine has violated our trust on several occasions on a very high leve. If they don't want you around, it's hard to accept and believe, they are thinking about us. Wanting us, fantasizing about us. We will never know. It will probably turn into a huge fight, it may not. Talk to a therapist. Bring it up to a marriage counsler. A one time thing, is just that. one time. If it continues, then you have a real problem brewing and it needs to be addressed. Have plan B ready just in case.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess I'm just old fashioned, but I think it's just plain wrong to frequently or consistently turn your spouse away when they come to you for sex (as long as what they want is anything reasonable).


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

An interesting quote from my therapist. I saw her today, and asked about my situation and her reply was this. "she is sending a clear message, like in my case, because 1. She didnt' want me to be a part of it, 2, I wasn't supposed to know, 3, She waited until I left to do this. It was supposed to be a secret. She wanted to provide her own pleasure and give her self her own emotional satisfaction. My wife claimed it was just an after thought, and just wanted quick relief, but wanted more later. She claimed to be sorry,I pushed her away, because I knew what was happening. she was sorry she got caught. Not that this was a message, she didnt' want me. that was exaclty what it is. I have 3 woman here at work who have been wanting to go out with me. Guess what, baby.. I am giong to give them what you could have had you F"G B. She didnt' want this from me. When I walked in on her, she was embarassed, but apologetic, yet claiming she wanted more. the message is, she is getting her emotional and physical needs from herself. It's not me. I have been busting my butt to fill her love tank and giving her what she's been telling me she wants and needs, and then to turn around and do this? BS. This is not healthy. What she is saying is, I was being rejected. So were you. What she did was selfish and rude. I need to decided since I'm not getting my emotional needs met outside the bedroom met, nor inside the bedroom it's time to end this crap. Good luck bro. I hope yours was just a stupid deal. Sex is supposed to be sacred. shared. Not kept alone and to ourselfs.


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## swanwoman (Dec 24, 2010)

I think that women are learning more and understanding their bodies. I agree with much of what people say about better communication and what is going on in the relationship that underlies this.

What if your wife said, Im so tired, I really just want to masturbate and fall off to sleep. Maybe she wanted privacy, like taking a bath by yourself, you don't always want someone there and that's ok. As women learn more about their orgasams and their ability to have multiple and deeper orgasims, ( are you aware of the many places that women have contraction's during orgasms , inlcuding the uterus), they desire and need the health benefits that they give, healing, and relaxation as well as tone to the back, and core muscles. Plus the more they learn and understand their own bodies, the better they can communicate to their partners what they want and need.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Don't guess. Communicate with her and understand her problems. Make sure she knows you are willing to fullfill her needs and fantasies.
No matter what she likes, she should be assured not to feel shy in front of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Next time when she MB, offer your tongue and mouth to suck her off. Don't offer your penis and hands.
Because she has her own hands and she's not into a penis. So when you tell her,"I would love to taste your juice and eat your pxxxx..." you might have a better chance to get into her pants. It's a good idea if you give her a massage to make her feel relaxed first.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Your situation aside..personally i think that there is nothing wrong with masturbating and enjoying it and it is not unnormal to occasionaly want to "get off" and not go throught the motions of partnered sex provided that this is an exception rather than the rule. And provided that your relationship has sufficient intimacy in other areas. Not knowing your wife to give the benefit of the doubt she may just have wanted to get a little and perhaps crash. 

Not knowing the note or the context of her request for you to leave her alone i cannot trully assess the situation. It sounds like there may be something else going on. I would not rule out dissatisfaction with somthing in the relationship.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

ihat said:


> A little background, my wife and I have been together for 4 years, and married for 2 with no children. Our sex life has always been amazing (4-6 times a week) until she started her new job. She is an RN and works a night shift, so she is tired very often and i understand this and respect her wishes. Also in this same time period i have felt that our relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me. well, this morning she gets home from work and i make an attempt to have sex with her and she says no. As i said before i try to respect her wishes because i know her job is hard on her, so i leave the subject alone. Well less than five minutes later, i go into our bedroom to tell her that im leaving and i find her masturbating. I was immediately offended but i offered to give a hand or have sex since she was obviously in the mood, and she asked if i could leave the room.
> So why would she rather masturbate than have sex with me? I have found that this is making me feel very inadequate, and im not sure is I can ever make love to my wife again without wondering why she would rather share the experience with herself, than with her husband.


Masturbation and partner sex are two totally different things. Just because somebody doesn't feel like having sex with another person it doesn't mean they don't want sex. Masturbation is faster, easier and more intense and you don't have to accommodate the wishes and likes of another to enjoy a personal sexual experience.

This doesn't sound like I regular thing with her so I wouldn't worry about it. But in some cases many a sexless marriage has gotten that way because one partner, usually the male, comes to prefer fantasy women and masturbation to his spouse.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

If my Wife did something like this to me, there would be hell to pay..

Its one thing if she masterbates.. I really don't care..

But to reject me and then right after do it.. She would be cut off from lots of things..


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Here's my take on it...
Her timing was way off. Had she wanted to masturbate then she should have waited until her husband had gone and she was sure she was alone in the house.

I used to work night shifts in what was a stressful and at times dangerous job. When I got home and to bed at about 0730 (my wife had already left for work) I was still on a 'high' and my mind buzzing. I was tired but couldn't sleep. 
We all know what males do after they have orgasmed....roll over and sleep!
So what did I do? Yup, you've guessed it! Sure I might have fantasized over a colleague or a female I had 'come across' during my shift (hey, I'm human!)...but for me, doing it myself was quick, easy, simple, enjoyable and SENT ME TO SLEEP!

Of course its possible that the OP's wife is having an affair...but if things in general are OK I'd bet you she's having a w**k to aid sleep.

But as I said at the beginning, her timing was totally out of order.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

It strikes me that if you mirrored her behavior you two could just be good friends and roommates.... (a bit of sarcasm there). Each of you taking care of yourselves is not an issue. The timing, lack of concern for your feelings and lack of communication does seem to be an issue. An open and honest conversation about how the relationship is going might be a good step. Find out what her concerns are and share yours. If you both agree that things were great then find out why they still arent and make changes to bring the marriage back to being the priority as it doesnt sound like it is for her currently.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

malmale said:


> work on ur relationship issues, then only think about sex...


Sex IS a relationship issue.


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