# Do you refuse your significant other?



## Girl_power

We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


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## Andy1001

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


No.


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## CharlieParker

Never refused or denied, but yes, over three decades I’ve had a headache or two.


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## ericthesane

No


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## Personal

Sometimes.


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## Diceplayer

Over the 46 years that we have been married, yes, I have, for various reasons, refused my wife. Over the past several months though, I have come to realize that it is wrong of me to do so, so now, I never refuse her. If I'm not really in the mood, I just go with it and I'll get there. If I'm not really feeling well, she will make me forget it. I guess if I was really ill I might explain that to her, but if that was the case, she would know it and would't ask anyway.


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## bobert

I've turned my wife down for sex plenty of times over the years. 

My sex drive tanked (after being rejected for too long) and I had a lot of resentment towards my wife from her refusing sex at certain points in our marriage. Once she wanted to fix things she expected me to be ready to go because I'm a guy. Sorry, doesn't work that way for me. She could come onto me subtly or strongly and I would say no if I wasn't feeling it. At times I could easily go a month without sex, or maybe sex 1-2x, with her trying every day.

Turning down your spouse has nothing to do with gender.


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## Laurentium

Yes, I would sometimes say I was not feeling like it. And from experience, if I tried to have sex when I wasn't feeling like it, it would generally not go physically well. But this was only occasionally. It was never used as a way of "getting back at her" for something.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Refused is probably too strong of a word. It's more like a rain check. But then sometimes she gives a rain check back when I'm trying to have her cash in her own rain check. Work schedules, kid schedules... things just dont always line up. 

The only issues ever in our sex life was self inflicted due to my own insecurities. I wasn't refusing, I just stopped initiating because I was just being a great big overgrown baby. Realized I was being a child, took the pacifier out of my mouth and told myself if I want to suck on something, my wife has nice breasts.


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## In Absentia

No. Never.


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## Girl_power

Sex is such a vulnerable thing we can really damage our relationship and each other without realizing it.


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## badsanta

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


All men are guilty of this at some point or another as an indirect result of porn and masturbation but it is not always so obvious.

Early in a relationship sexuality is fueled by other-partner validation. This means that one derives pleasure in knowing that he/she can please a partner. After a man has used porn, he may be eager to please his wife still but it would be difficult for her to please him unless he engages in some form of disconnecting pursuit of sexual novelty. Because a woman's primary desire early in the relationship may simply be to please her husband, then his porn use can make this form of her other-partner validation transition into a state of denial. At some point it becomes so disconnecting that she feels used.

Later in the relationship sexuality is fueled by self validation. This means that one derives pleasure from knowing what he/she wants and sharing that with a partner. If a man has been using porn and "HIDING" it from the relationship, then this pleasurable form self validation is one that can NOT be shared in the relationship. This turns the tables and he is essentially denying himself from ever being close to his spouse. This forms a death spiral if the wife has shamed him for using porn as it inly serve to further prevent him from sharing any forms of self sexual validation in the relationship. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## uhtred

Very rarely. I'll not have sex if I'm significantly sick. In 35 years I've turned her down a couple of times because I was just too tired after a day at work. Maybe 3 times because I didn't feel like it Total, not counting real sickness, less than 10 times.


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## MJJEAN

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


DH has refused me sex. It's happened when he's been very very sore and tired from work or injured. There's been a few times he was just too bummed to get in the head space to do anything, too. So, yes, it's happened. For the most part, though, he's accommodating. I mean, considering we're coming up on 20 years together, I can probably count how many times he's refused on fingers and toes.


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## Marduk

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


Wife was crazy drunk once. Not only was I not into it, but I felt like I’d be taking advantage of her or something even though we were married.

That one was a hard no for sure.


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## Personal

MJJEAN said:


> I can probably count how many times he's refused on fingers and toes.


Yep!

Over the years my wife and I have always shared a lot of sex together. So it's okay when we occasionally though rarely turn each other down.


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## C3156

Considering how often I have gotten rejected, I rarely turn down the opportunity to fool around. However, there are times I am not in the mood.


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## Personal

badsanta said:


> All men are guilty of this at some point or another as an indirect result of porn and masturbation but it is not always so obvious.


Bollocks!



> Early in a relationship sexuality is fueled by other-partner validation. This means that one derives pleasure in knowing that he/she can please a partner.


Early in a relationship, my sexuality is fuelled by sex feeling really good and my desire to have orgasms.



> Later in the relationship sexuality is fueled by self validation. This means that one derives pleasure from knowing what he/she wants and sharing that with a partner.


Later in a relationship, my sexuality is fuelled by sex feeling really good and my desire to have orgasms.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

No.


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## Mr. Nail

There is quite a bit more to this question that first meets the eye.
If you rule out ED . . .
If you make sure she gets hers even if you can't make it.
If you are willing but unable. . . .
I'm somewhat shy to admit that there was a period of time when I just took sex off the table. I didn't feel the things I needed to feel, to go there. Those things were, emotional connection, and commitment. I'm not the kind of person who feels sexual desire when the background emotion isn't there. So I said NO. with in a day or 2 of putting my foot down, My wife asked if affection was OK. I allowed it and in the end it came around.
To be honest I still don't feel all of the connection/commitment I need. But I'm getting by on scraps.


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## badsanta

Personal said:


> Early in a relationship, my sexuality is fuelled by sex feeling really good and my desire to have orgasms.
> 
> Later in a relationship, my sexuality is fuelled by sex feeling really good and my desire to have orgasms.


I'm guessing you completely missed out the part where most men get all sad and depressed when they can't give their spouse endless multiple PIVO ending an hour later in simultaneous explosive PIVO only to go into a frustrated passive aggressive rage of loneliness, resentment, and anger...


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## Personal

badsanta said:


> I'm guessing you completely missed out the part where most men...


I've never found it difficult to bring a woman to orgasm, via standalone finger/s or hand stimulation, oral sex, penis in vagina sex, or varying combinations of all of them together without ever using a powered device.

So no, I can't say I can relate to that either.


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## Girl_power

Mr. Nail said:


> There is quite a bit more to this question that first meets the eye.
> 
> If you rule out ED . . .
> 
> If you make sure she gets hers even if you can't make it.
> 
> If you are willing but unable. . . .
> 
> I'm somewhat shy to admit that there was a period of time when I just took sex off the table. I didn't feel the things I needed to feel, to go there. Those things were, emotional connection, and commitment. I'm not the kind of person who feels sexual desire when the background emotion isn't there. So I said NO. with in a day or 2 of putting my foot down, My wife asked if affection was OK. I allowed it and in the end it came around.
> 
> To be honest I still don't feel all of the connection/commitment I need. But I'm getting by on scraps.




Did your wife do something that causes these negative feelings about her?


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## leftfield

I have never refused her.


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## 2ntnuf

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


It isn't about being refused. It's about how that makes you feel. It's obvious, you are hurt and angry. Just end your relationship. It's not worth going through all this to figure out how to hurt him back. Just end it and move on. It's some issue with him. Doesn't matter what.


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## Girl_power

2ntnuf said:


> It isn't about being refused. It's about how that makes you feel. It's obvious, you are hurt and angry. Just end your relationship. It's not worth going through all this to figure out how to hurt him back. Just end it and move on. It's some issue with him. Doesn't matter what.




What are you talking about?


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## notmyjamie

I once sent my STBX an email with a picture of six different sexual positions we'd never done and said "Pick one, our bed, 9pm" He wrote back "no thanks"

Should have known then he was gay. LOL


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## Mr. Nail

Girl_power said:


> Did your wife do something that causes these negative feelings about her?


the range of answers to this . . . . 
GirlPower, I like you but some days you can be a bit . . . . Young or inexperienced or Nieve. It really isn't so much some thing or one thing she did it was a long term of not doing all of the things that make a marriage. Lack of sex, Lack of communication, Lack of interest, excessive escapism. I didn't feel commitment from her because she didn't do all (or any) of the things that committed people do. It would have been much easier if she had done the things that emotionally distant people do, like cheat, or abuse, but those are not the kind of things she does (as far as I can tell). 
I only explain this because you are trying to make a new life with a solid long term relationship. You see I have a long term relationship, because we are too lazy to leave, not because we did it right.


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## Girl_power

notmyjamie said:


> I once sent my STSX an email with a picture of six different sexual positions we'd never done and said "Pick one, our bed, 9pm" He wrote back "no thanks"
> 
> 
> 
> Should have known then he was gay. LOL




Hahahahahaha. Thanks for making me laugh!


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## Girl_power

Mr. Nail said:


> the range of answers to this . . . .
> 
> GirlPower, I like you but some days you can be a bit . . . . Young or inexperienced or Nieve. It really isn't so much some thing or one thing she did it was a long term of not doing all of the things that make a marriage. Lack of sex, Lack of communication, Lack of interest, excessive escapism. I didn't feel commitment from her because she didn't do all (or any) of the things that committed people do. It would have been much easier if she had done the things that emotionally distant people do, like cheat, or abuse, but those are not the kind of things she does (as far as I can tell).
> 
> I only explain this because you are trying to make a new life with a solid long term relationship. You see I have a long term relationship, because we are too lazy to leave, not because we did it right.




God I hope my boyfriend never thinks this of me, then holds me against it for years.


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## leftfield

notmyjamie said:


> I once sent my STSX an email with a picture of six different sexual positions we'd never done and said "Pick one, our bed, 9pm"


The correct answer is "all of the above", but we better start at 8PM.:surprise:


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## snerg

badsanta said:


> All men are guilty of this at some point or another as an indirect result of porn and masturbation but it is not always so obvious.
> 
> Early in a relationship sexuality is fueled by other-partner validation. This means that one derives pleasure in knowing that he/she can please a partner. After a man has used porn, he may be eager to please his wife still but it would be difficult for her to please him unless he engages in some form of disconnecting pursuit of sexual novelty. Because a woman's primary desire early in the relationship may simply be to please her husband, then his porn use can make this form of her other-partner validation transition into a state of denial. At some point it becomes so disconnecting that she feels used.
> 
> Later in the relationship sexuality is fueled by self validation. This means that one derives pleasure from knowing what he/she wants and sharing that with a partner. If a man has been using porn and "HIDING" it from the relationship, then this pleasurable form self validation is one that can NOT be shared in the relationship. This turns the tables and he is essentially denying himself from ever being close to his spouse. This forms a death spiral if the wife has shamed him for using porn as it inly serve to further prevent him from sharing any forms of self sexual validation in the relationship.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta



This is interesting.

Here i thought that when I refused due to a fever with walking pneumonia or when I slipped a disk, I thought I was refusing due to illness and pain.

I didn't realize that it was all due to porn use.


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## 2ntnuf

Girl_power said:


> What are you talking about?


https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...36809-coveting-yearning-wanting-jealousy.html


I forgot to look at the dates. Maybe I jumped the gun?


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## BioFury

notmyjamie said:


> I once sent my STSX an email with a picture of six different sexual positions we'd never done and said "Pick one, our bed, 9pm" He wrote back "no thanks"
> 
> Should have known then he was gay. LOL


Geez, that must have stung.

If only I could receive such emails...


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## Girl_power

2ntnuf said:


> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...36809-coveting-yearning-wanting-jealousy.html
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I forgot to look at the dates. Maybe I jumped the gun?




Maybe. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him.


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## arbitrator

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


*Only when I was just so doga$$ tired that I couldn't stand up! Horizontally or vertically!

And sad to say that I ultimately paid for it!*


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## dadstartingover

LOL... No. I'm a dude on testosterone therapy. I'm ready to go if she just walks across the room.


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## Casual Observer

Interesting question, simply because it's even asked. Why wouldn't a guy be expected to not be in the mood for some reason or other? The real irony to the question is that the guy has equipment that has to be in working order to have sex. It really can't be passive. Perhaps there's some sort of guy code that says you can never admit to not wanting sex, but the person believing that likely gets around it by avoiding the situation. 

Me? The situation is exceptionally rare... meaning, W "wanting" sex in the first place. It would be a real turn-on just having that happen. But if she "wanted" sex because she thought it would smooth over something really bad that she was responsible for, something I was really upset about, then I would likely turn her down. It's happened a few times. That's a different scenario than having sex as part of making up. Something where we both realize we'd screwed up. I'm talking about something on-going.

But I mean really, us men are supposed to be at the ready 100% of the time? The equipment has to work without fail? That's quite an expectation!


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## TheDudeLebowski

badsanta said:


> All men are guilty of this at some point or another as an indirect result of porn and masturbation but it is not always so obvious.


Um... that's not true for all men. I can jerk and be ready in 5 minutes. As a matter of fact, um.... as a guy who might ... um... only be able to put in a solid 3 minutes (hey! Dont make that face! It's three minutes of earth shattering sex 0 ) I actually prefer if I've busted within the last say 3 hours before sex. That way I can go a full 20-30 minutes. 

I'll be honest, beyond 20-30 minutes, what are we even doing at that point? If I cant get you there in 10-15 I feel like a loser. My wife doesn't multiple at all, ever. Shes good after about 6 hours for another O so ...

Now, if you include all the other stuff besides PIV, well we can talk about length of sex and I will be at a respectable time. But who's pumping for hours out there? It's hard for me to believe that's actually a thing. But idk, I'm not watching marathon sex and taking notes either. I figure that all night stuff people talk about is like rounds 2,3,4,5,6&7. Which is cool if you can do that. I'm not staying awake for 6 hours to see if shes ready for round 2. Shes not staying awake for any of that either.


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## Faithful Wife

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Um... that's not true for all men. I can jerk and be ready in 5 minutes. As a matter of fact, um.... as a guy who might ... um... only be able to put in a solid 3 minutes (hey! Dont make that face! It's three minutes of earth shattering sex 0 ) I actually prefer if I've busted within the last say 3 hours before sex. That way I can go a full 20-30 minutes.
> 
> I'll be honest, beyond 20-30 minutes, what are we even doing at that point? If I cant get you there in 10-15 I feel like a loser. My wife doesn't multiple at all, ever. Shes good after about 6 hours for another O so ...
> 
> Now, if you include all the other stuff besides PIV, well we can talk about length of sex and I will be at a respectable time. But who's pumping for hours out there? It's hard for me to believe that's actually a thing. But idk, I'm not watching marathon sex and taking notes either. I figure that all night stuff people talk about is like rounds 2,3,4,5,6&7. Which is cool if you can do that. I'm not staying awake for 6 hours to see if shes ready for round 2. Shes not staying awake for any of that either.


Because the goal isn’t getting me off, the goal is feeling him inside me for as long as he can possibly give it to me.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Faithful Wife said:


> Because the goal isn’t getting me off, the goal is feeling him inside me for as long as he can possibly give it to me.


Fair enough. My wife gets dry and tight and lube only does so much. Shes is ready for me to finish up after about 20 minutes tops. Again, just talking PIV here. I think we do a lot of tantric type stuff, these long slow build ups, when we are alone and really getting down to business. The hard part about that is you are on the edge of O basically as soon as PIV starts. At least for us. So we do a lot of stop and go and switching positions and things to make that part last longer. But once shes had hers, I better hurry up or else it gets past pleasure and into uncomfortable for her. Usually we O together because it turns me on so much when she is, I lose all control myself. 

Unfortunately FW, I have determined me and you just wouldn't work out together. :grin2: but you are still one of my faves here by far. :x


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## moon7

My husband refuses my advances now and then. Lets say at least 20% of the time hahahaha

Normal. He is tired from work and stuff like that. Sometimes he works overnight, but most times he leaves between 4 and 5 in the mdorning to be home at 8 or 9 at night. He only wants to eat and watch tv for some minutes (but mostly sleeps with the tv on), sometimes ask for a massage, all shile our kid tries to play with him. With thos schedule is normal he doesnt have all the stamina, I guess. He is so tired he doesnt even have the energy to take a shower (wich is something, as its from our culture to shower between 2 and 3 times a day).

But if I start things he will continue until what he can do.


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## badsanta

snerg said:


> This is interesting.
> 
> Here i thought that when I refused due to a fever with walking pneumonia or when I slipped a disk, I thought I was refusing due to illness and pain.
> 
> I didn't realize that it was all due to porn use.


If you have used so much porn that you end up with walking pneumonia and a slipped disc, it is very common for men try to blame only the illness and back pain for refusing a spouse. 

https://www.webmd.com/back-pain/features/sex-and-low-back-pain#1


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## Diceplayer

notmyjamie said:


> I once sent my STBX an email with a picture of six different sexual positions we'd never done and said "Pick one, our bed, 9pm" He wrote back "no thanks"
> 
> Should have known then he was gay. LOL


Wow!! I'd give my eye teeth for my wife to send me emails like that. Great idea! Think I'll send one to the wife and see what happens.


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## notmyjamie

Diceplayer said:


> Wow!! I'd give my eye teeth for my wife to send me emails like that. Great idea! Think I'll send one to the wife and see what happens.


I hope it's better received than when I did it. :smile2:


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## Mr. Nail

you seem to think this is somehow vindictive. It's just things the way they are. Your boyfriend will never think this of you because you will never live as roommates with your lover. It just isn't in your personality. You think about the health of the relationship. Then you plan, then you carry out those plans. You would never put up with someone who only dreams of a relationship, but never does the things that make one. You are already on the right track.


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## Ed3n

Not a man, but I am all to familiar with bring refused sex by my husband of over 20 years. My husband has turned me down substantially more than I have turned him down, starting from the beginning of our relationship. His reasons vary, but the most common are, it's past his bedtime, he doesn't really like morning sex, his emotional state, or he's overworked. He had refused me more in a single year than I have in the 20+ years that we have been together. Not kidding, unfortunately. 

Until I had a complete hysterectomy, a refusal from me was highly unlikely (maybe 1-2 times a year due to migraine, or other severely painful health issue like PCOS complications). My libido had always been extremely high. Surgical menopause slowed my sex drive down to a much more "normal" range. Sometimes it's frustrating, but at least he was able to stop worrying about keeping up to me. 😉


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## Wolf1974

No. But I admit to being less than enthusiastic on occasion


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## attheend02

badsanta said:


> If you have used so much porn that you end up with walking pneumonia and a slipped disc, it is very common for men try to blame only the illness and back pain for refusing a spouse.
> 
> https://www.webmd.com/back-pain/features/sex-and-low-back-pain#1




Maybe the porn is a symptom, not a cause.


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## anonfrank

Rarely do I turn my wife down. Usually it’s because I’m extremely exhausted.


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## DieCastRN

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


Towards the end of my marriage, I refused a LOT. This was multi-factorial.

1. I knew my marriage was ending and didn't want to complicate anything with sex.

2. Throughout our marriage, sex was a HUGE issue. She just wasn't into it at all. In the last year, I told her she needed to change and we needed to have sex. She agreed and frequency increased. 

3. What I failed to realize was it wasn't frequency that was lacking, it really was quality. She didn't want to try any toys. Oral was rare and never to completion. Sex was ALWAYS the same. I mean literally the same. We'd start off on our sides kissing. She'd rub her hands around my legs for a few minutes. MAYBE go down of me if I guided her head down. Then she'd climb on top of me or I'd climb on top of her. Anytime I tried to change this, it was really awkward and weird.

4. Anytime I brought this up and try ti spice things up, she'd freak out and say things were "fine."

5. She NEVER wanted to try anything new. Take a shower together? Nope. Sleep naked? Nope. Oral while we were watching TV? Nope.

6. I'd been in previous relationships and knew what a healthy sex life was supposed to be. She was a virgin when we married - HUGE mistake on my part. What I had with my ex was not healthy and prolonging it more than I had would only further kill me inside. So, when I resolved to divorce, I would just say "no" or go to bed after she did so things didn't get awkward. When she asked why I didn't want to anymore, I told her that the quality of our sex life was lacking and she had no desire to fix it as she shot down any ideas I had.


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## Novaman

DieCastRN said:


> Towards the end of my marriage, I refused a LOT. This was multi-factorial.
> 
> 1. I knew my marriage was ending and didn't want to complicate anything with sex.
> 
> 2. Throughout our marriage, sex was a HUGE issue. She just wasn't into it at all. In the last year, I told her she needed to change and we needed to have sex. She agreed and frequency increased.
> 
> 3. What I failed to realize was it wasn't frequency that was lacking, it really was quality. She didn't want to try any toys. Oral was rare and never to completion. Sex was ALWAYS the same. I mean literally the same. We'd start off on our sides kissing. She'd rub her hands around my legs for a few minutes. MAYBE go down of me if I guided her head down. Then she'd climb on top of me or I'd climb on top of her. Anytime I tried to change this, it was really awkward and weird.
> 
> 4. Anytime I brought this up and try ti spice things up, she'd freak out and say things were "fine."
> 
> 5. She NEVER wanted to try anything new. Take a shower together? Nope. Sleep naked? Nope. Oral while we were watching TV? Nope.
> 
> 6. I'd been in previous relationships and knew what a healthy sex life was supposed to be. She was a virgin when we married - HUGE mistake on my part. What I had with my ex was not healthy and prolonging it more than I had would only further kill me inside. So, when I resolved to divorce, I would just say "no" or go to bed after she did so things didn't get awkward. When she asked why I didn't want to anymore, I told her that the quality of our sex life was lacking and she had no desire to fix it as she shot down any ideas I had.


hmm..... this sounds like my marriage. But we are good


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## DieCastRN

Novaman said:


> hmm..... this sounds like my marriage. But we are good


If that works for you, I commend you. I couldn't handle it though.


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## Middle of Everything

Faithful Wife said:


> Because the goal isn’t getting me off, the goal is feeling him inside me for as long as he can possibly give it to me.


Lidocaine.


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## Faithful Wife

Middle of Everything said:


> Lidocaine.


I don't get it. Put that on his peen? And then it goes inside of me?? How the hell could either of us feel anything like that? :frown2:

Don't worry, I don't need any help in this area. I'm an expert at getting what I want for myself. :wink2:


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## Girl_power

I think he means he’s numb inside or to the situation:


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## Yeswecan

Sometimes if I'm very tired. She does as well when she is tired. But, we always make the plan for some morning loving when we are two tired to tango at night.


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## Middle of Everything

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't get it. Put that on his peen? And then it goes inside of me?? How the hell could either of us feel anything like that? :frown2:
> 
> Don't worry, I don't need any help in this area. I'm an expert at getting what I want for myself. :wink2:


Just joking with ya. Yeah lidocaine is essentially what is in most penis numbiing creams and condoms for "climax control" I believe. 

Confess to trying it once with the wife to see how long I could go. HORRIBLE. Couldnt feel much at all. Really does numb you. :grin2::crying: So while you might last longer, you dont feel anything which sucks, and you might last too long as was the case. Guess for minute men it might be worth it, but for most? :surprise:


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## ConanHub

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


Use to be almost never but in the last few years I have refused her a lot with her becoming the prime initiator.

We are working on some life and relationship issues and getting a little better.


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## EleGirl

After we were married for about 5 years my husband turned down sex constantly to the point of the marriage being sexless for the last few years. His choice. Sex is important to me. I've only turned it down when I was very sick or extremely tried.


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## FalCod

We have sex a lot. It was daily when we were younger. It's still several times a week now. Neither of us has ever turned down the other when they were strongly in the mood, but we've both turned each other down plenty of times. It typically happens when we go to bed and someone is tired and the other person wants to know if they'd like get frisky. Usually the answer is yes, but sometimes it is "I'm tired. Let's do it in the morning." I don't think we ever leave the other person feeling rejected. Instead we defer to another nearby time that works better.


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## Novaman

FalCod said:


> We have sex a lot. It was daily when we were younger. It's still several times a week now. Neither of us has ever turned down the other when they were strongly in the mood, but we've both turned each other down plenty of times. It typically happens when we go to bed and someone is tired and the other person wants to know if they'd like get frisky. Usually the answer is yes, but sometimes it is "I'm tired. Let's do it in the morning." I don't think we ever leave the other person feeling rejected. Instead we defer to another nearby time that works better.


My wife refuses sex and says "she's tired" or "not in the mood" all the time. We used to have sex a few times a week, then it dropped to about once a week. Lately it has further dropped to about 2 times a month. And when we do have sex it is really me having sex with her and she is just there.


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## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> Use to be almost never but in the last few years I have refused her a lot with her becoming the prime initiator.
> 
> We are working on some life and relationship issues and getting a little better.



This I cannot believe....you are the mighty CONAN...how can a man with those arms ever refuse...??? :wink2:


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## BIL310

She’s never initiated so the answer is no!


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## lessthennone

About 7 years ago, my wife and I were flirting and waiting for the kids bedtime. At some point, she said "do you want a quickie?". I responded that we could wait until the kids were in bed and have "good" sex. She was offended. She didn't understand what wasn't good about a quickie. I was just looking for more intimate time. 

This is the closest I've come to saying no.


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## ReformedHubby

I would have to say almost never. Unless down with the flu or something. Even when I came out of back surgery, no reason she couldn't be on top. Based on my experience, turning down a woman for sex simply isn't an option for men if you're with a partner with a high drive. For some reason I think it bothers women a bit more than it does us fellas. In my relationships they would think something was wrong with me, or I was cheating on them, or even worse, that I might be losing attraction to them. Its best to give it the old college try even if you're tired. Besides...usually once you get started fooling around you'll want to anyway.


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## Numb26

BIL310 said:


> She’s never initiated so the answer is no!


Had the same issue with my XW. LOL


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## SadSamIAm

I think that if one person does most of the initiating, then the other person does the refusing. 

I have been married for over 30 years. For the first five years, sex was most every day. I initiated 90% of the time. She never rejected. Then kids! Three of them in 3 years. Sex took a back seat for a number of years. She never initiated and turned me down often. 

The kids have been gone now for 3 years. I still do most of the initiating. She still turns me down some, but not as often. Now that I am older (55), I don't initiate as often. 

So NO, I have never refused. But I think that is because she has never done much of the initiating. I am guessing that if she was asking for sex every other day, I would likely reject her a time or two.


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## uhtred

Sometimes, but not always

I rarely initiate, because I'm always refused, but I do occasionally try. She initiates more often than I do (but still rarely) and I almost never refuse



SadSamIAm said:


> I think that if one person does most of the initiating, then the other person does the refusing.
> 
> I have been married for over 30 years. For the first five years, sex was most every day. I initiated 90% of the time. She never rejected. Then kids! Three of them in 3 years. Sex took a back seat for a number of years. She never initiated and turned me down often.
> 
> The kids have been gone now for 3 years. I still do most of the initiating. She still turns me down some, but not as often. Now that I am older (55), I don't initiate as often.
> 
> So NO, I have never refused. But I think that is because she has never done much of the initiating. I am guessing that if she was asking for sex every other day, I would likely reject her a time or two.


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## FeministInPink

My XH refused me so frequently that I stopped initiating altogether and withdrew from him physically. He was far more interested in porn and video games than he was in me. That dynamic destroyed my sense of self-worth and it took years to heal the damage, and I still trigger because of it.

I've had one serious relationship since my divorce (we've since broken up), and in the time we were together, he only refused me once. When that happened, I was triggered and had a complete meltdown. We talked about it after, and when he understood why I reacted in such a way, he promised he would never refuse me again, and he stuck by that for the duration of our relationship. Even if he wasn't in the mood, or knew he wasn't up to performing, he never said no... he made sure to meet my needs on other ways. There were a lot of other issues present in our relationship, but he got that part right. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## colingrant

Rarely do I turn down and in fact I honestly can't remember ever saying, "no". Reason being is if my wife touches me "there" it's over. There is no "no". It's NEVER not responded favorably, regardless of fatigue, sleepiness, or sickness. 

Was recovering from a herniated disk once in lower back. No problem. Paid for it though, as my recovery was set back by nearly a week. Flu, no problem. Cold..no problem. Headache... no problem. So tired, I can't move... no problem. My only real problem.....Hyper-sexuality.


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## Married but Happy

Rarely. I have to be sick or totally exhausted to say no. Same for her. We have a great sex life overall, and have for 20 years. I think we are among the fortunate minority.


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## BlueWoman

FeministInPink said:


> My XH refused me so frequently that I stopped initiating altogether and withdrew from him physically. He was far more interested in porn and video games than he was in me.
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk




Ditto, except that mine was into comics and having a good time with other people. Which is why it was particularly galling when I found out he was cheating. I have to admit that I knew he had issues when we got married. But I thought I could live with it. And I did, even though it made me very very unhappy. I just never acknowledge the unhappiness.


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## FeministInPink

BlueWoman said:


> Ditto, except that mine was into comics and having a good time with other people. Which is why it was particularly galling when I found out he was cheating. I have to admit that I knew he had issues when we got married. But I thought I could live with it. And I did, even though it made me very very unhappy. I just never acknowledge the unhappiness.


My FOO was so messed up, I couldn't recognize the red flags with my XH for what they were. Based on my experience, the dysfunction was... normal. I didn't realize that things could be any different. It took me a long time to figure it out.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## StillSearching

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


No


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## TXTrini

Middle of Everything said:


> Just joking with ya. Yeah lidocaine is essentially what is in most penis numbiing creams and condoms for "climax control" I believe.
> 
> Confess to trying it once with the wife to see how long I could go. HORRIBLE. Couldnt feel much at all. Really does numb you. :grin2::crying: So while you might last longer, you dont feel anything which sucks, and you might last too long as was the case. Guess for minute men it might be worth it, but for most? :surprise:


Filing this info for future use, ty. I view sex similarly to FaithfulWife. The more, the better.


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## Imjustaslostasyou

Girl_power said:


> We always talk about women refusing and denying men sex. So men, do you or have you refused your significant other sex?


I have been married for 34 years and we try to have sex every saturday night but im about to stop because i get the "if we have to look". I was under the impression if you loved someone enough they would do anything for you. I guess that isn't always the case and it makes me feel unwanted and not desired. I love my wife so much but this is just a slap in face. I do everthing for her that she wants but never any points. We got married after high school and neither one of us has been with another person. I go down on her every time we have sex but never once has she even as much as gotten close to my penise she refuses. So im 54 years old and dont know what a womens mouth feels like down there. She says its my choice to do oral on her but she wont return the same.


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## Girl_power

Imjustaslostasyou said:


> I have been married for 34 years and we try to have sex every saturday night but im about to stop because i get the "if we have to look". I was under the impression if you loved someone enough they would do anything for you. I guess that isn't always the case and it makes me feel unwanted and not desired. I love my wife so much but this is just a slap in face. I do everthing for her that she wants but never any points. We got married after high school and neither one of us has been with another person. I go down on her every time we have sex but never once has she even as much as gotten close to my penise she refuses. So im 54 years old and dont know what a womens mouth feels like down there. She says its my choice to do oral on her but she wont return the same.


I don’t think love means doing anything for the other person. I wish it did. But people are selfish, and have strong opinions and dislikes about certain things. Your wife must have a very strong dislike for oral sex. It’s sucks for you. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It just points out who she is as a person. 
I’m sorry.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Try her on a different night!

You won't likely get oral, but you'll get a "surprised" look, not the do we have to thing.

Try her 4 or 5 days or nights in a row.

What can it hurt?


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## Tdbo

Imjustaslostasyou said:


> I have been married for 34 years and we try to have sex every saturday night but im about to stop because i get the "if we have to look". I was under the impression if you loved someone enough they would do anything for you. I guess that isn't always the case and it makes me feel unwanted and not desired. I love my wife so much but this is just a slap in face. I do everthing for her that she wants but never any points. We got married after high school and neither one of us has been with another person. I go down on her every time we have sex but never once has she even as much as gotten close to my penise she refuses. So im 54 years old and dont know what a womens mouth feels like down there. She says its my choice to do oral on her but she wont return the same.



Does she like oral?
If she does, stop doing it.
If she inquires , tell her "You get what you give."
Put the ball back in her court.


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## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> Use to be almost never but in the last few years I have refused her a lot with her becoming the prime initiator.
> 
> We are working on some life and relationship issues and getting a little better.


That sounds strange from you, Conan.

Do you not initiate out of spite so that she can or you just don't feel like initiating all that much? 
Maybe started taking her for granted a bit?


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## lovelygirl

Imjustaslostasyou said:


> I have been married for 34 years and we try to have sex every saturday night but im about to stop because i get the "if we have to look". I was under the impression if you loved someone enough they would do anything for you. I guess that isn't always the case and it makes me feel unwanted and not desired. I love my wife so much but this is just a slap in face. I do everthing for her that she wants but never any points. We got married after high school and neither one of us has been with another person. I go down on her every time we have sex but never once has she even as much as gotten close to my penise she refuses. So im 54 years old and dont know what a womens mouth feels like down there. She says its my choice to do oral on her but she wont return the same.


every saturday, for 34 years???? 

Isn't it boring to have a date on the calendar for sex?


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## Casual Observer

Imjustaslostasyou said:


> I have been married for 34 years and we try to have sex every saturday night but im about to stop because i get the "if we have to look". I was under the impression if you loved someone enough they would do anything for you. I guess that isn't always the case and it makes me feel unwanted and not desired. I love my wife so much but this is just a slap in face. I do everthing for her that she wants but never any points. We got married after high school and neither one of us has been with another person. I go down on her every time we have sex but never once has she even as much as gotten close to my penise she refuses. So im 54 years old and dont know what a womens mouth feels like down there. She says its my choice to do oral on her but she wont return the same.


Were things different before marriage? Was there an exciting exploratory phase, or did everything wait until after you married? Were there any guilt issues she had? When you say neither of you has been with another person, thinking specifically of her, she never dated any other guys prior to you? Are you certain there isn't anything in her past that could be holding her back? If she's consistent, if she's always been this way, there is always the chance she's got something in her past that she hasn't said or even lied about, something that causes sex to bring up bad feelings. The oral thing. If there was no oral for my wife, there would be no sex at all. Never knew why until recently. Oral was the one thing nobody else could pull off for her. It's my one claim to fame. Her narrative regarding her past experiences was quite strong, "saving herself for marriage" when in fact there were 2 (possibly more) before me. Living with that lie can really mess someone up. 

I don't know if I hope that turns out to be the case for your wife or not. The only reason why it could be something to hope for is because, if you have a reason, you at least have a chance of getting things worked out. If there is no reason, it can feel pretty hopeless. I understand hopeless. I lived 38 years of marriage hopeless. Add to that two years of marriage where I'm something between shell-shocked and hopeful, now that I know what had gone on and how badly it affected her.

When going through this with therapists, they're going to be looking for childhood trauma, and possibly overlooking the obvious. That it's not trauma, but triggers for her. And sex itself could be a trigger of memories and lies that she doesn't want to deal with.

Maybe. Just another thing for you to consider.


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## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> That sounds strange from you, Conan.
> 
> Do you not initiate out of spite so that she can or you just don't feel like initiating all that much?
> Maybe started taking her for granted a bit?


At one point several years ago, she blackmailed me emotionally and manipulated me to get her way so we would move somewhere I didn't want and I would have to take work I despised in an environment I hated. She got her way because it was that or divorce her. That is the pressure she exerted on me.

I ended up burning my candle at both ends because she wouldn't work and was trying to force me into the lifestyle we had when our children were still at home. She wanted me to basically keep killing myself at work so she could have the life she was use to without regard for my well-being or my wishes.

I ended up in a terrible and tragic accident that injured my mind, body and soul.

It destroyed us financially and took me nearly a year to come out of mentally and I've never been the same emotionally or physically.

I felt very betrayed by her and I didn't feel she had my back anymore.

That impacted my desire for sex with her.

It has been over 4 years and we are definitely better but it took a lot of work from both of us.

My libido is still very high and we are almost having sex every day.

It has changed a little in some ways better but in some ways not.

We are still committed and growing as well as very much in love.

We took a hit, mostly her fault, but we are recovering.

She has really bridged the gap and proven herself since the accident.


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## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> At one point several years ago, she blackmailed me emotionally and manipulated me to get her way so we would move somewhere I didn't want and I would have to take work I despised in an environment I hated. She got her way because it was that or divorce her. That is the pressure she exerted on me.
> 
> I ended up burning my candle at both ends because she wouldn't work and was trying to force me into the lifestyle we had when our children were still at home. She wanted me to basically keep killing myself at work so she could have the life she was use to without regard for my well-being or my wishes.
> 
> I ended up in a terrible and tragic accident that injured my mind, body and soul.
> 
> It destroyed us financially and took me nearly a year to come out of mentally and I've never been the same emotionally or physically.
> 
> I felt very betrayed by her and I didn't feel she had my back anymore.
> 
> That impacted my desire for sex with her.
> 
> It has been over 4 years and we are definitely better but it took a lot of work from both of us.
> 
> My libido is still very high and we are almost having sex every day.
> 
> It has changed a little in some ways better but in some ways not.
> 
> We are still committed and growing as well as very much in love.
> 
> We took a hit, mostly her fault, but we are recovering.
> 
> She has really bridged the gap and proven herself since the accident.



I remember reading about something similar from you in the past but I didn't think the impact it had on you was SO terrible, in so many ways.

The worst part was reading about the accident. OMG. So so sorry to hear about that!! 

Thank God you are still alive and healthy. 🙏

I get how all this could've affected you emotionally towards her as well. Maybe it was not easy for her as well...

This was a huge test for both of you, I guess.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I have never turned down my wife. However during her fling with POSOM I was rejected by her continually. Now at 57 we are beck to at least twice per week.


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## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> I remember reading about something similar from you in the past but I didn't think the impact it had on you was SO terrible, in so many ways.
> 
> The worst part was reading about the accident. OMG. So so sorry to hear about that!!
> 
> Thank God you are still alive and healthy. 🙏
> 
> I get how all this could've affected you emotionally towards her as well. Maybe it was not easy for her as well...
> 
> This was a huge test for both of you, I guess.


It was the hardest thing we ever went through. It was extremely hard for her as well and she had guilt on top of it.

She stepped up and has done the necessary work on herself to change to be a better mate.

There were several months where I didn't even get dressed and just sat in a corner of our couch all day if I wasn't sleeping.

She took care of everything and got work to take up the slack as well as caring for a near vegetable at home.

Taking care of a broken man who, previously, had always taken care of everyone else had to be frightening and difficult for her.


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## Blondilocks

ConanHub said:


> It was the hardest thing we ever went through. It was extremely hard for her as well and she had guilt on top of it.
> 
> She stepped up and has done the necessary work on herself to change to be a better mate.
> 
> There were several months where I didn't even get dressed and just sat in a corner of our couch all day if I wasn't sleeping.
> 
> She took care of everything and got work to take up the slack as well as caring for a near vegetable at home.
> 
> Taking care of a broken man who, previously, had always taken care of everyone else had to be frightening and difficult for her.


Every time I read your story, I get sad and mad and then I remember my place. (((Hugs))) to you and Mrs. Conan.


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## Tdbo

Never refused my wife.
However refusal from her became a way of life.
The day she really pushed her luck was the beginning of the end.
It was an ugly five days. It ended up with a really brutal but healthy conversation.
I presented three choices. The only one she was interested in involved saving our marriage.
I haven't been refused since.


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## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> .
> 
> Taking care of a broken man who, previously, had always taken care of everyone else had to be frightening and difficult for her.


She knew who she was taking care of. She knew your capabilities and had trust in the process of recovery. You were not just any man. You were the man she fell in love with and she knew you'd be "back on your feet" after that temporary broken phase.

Glad you both managed to overcome it !!


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## frusdil

ConanHub said:


> At one point several years ago, she blackmailed me emotionally and manipulated me to get her way so we would move somewhere I didn't want and I would have to take work I despised in an environment I hated. She got her way because it was that or divorce her. That is the pressure she exerted on me.
> 
> I ended up burning my candle at both ends because she wouldn't work and was trying to force me into the lifestyle we had when our children were still at home. She wanted me to basically keep killing myself at work so she could have the life she was use to without regard for my well-being or my wishes.
> 
> I ended up in a terrible and tragic accident that injured my mind, body and soul.
> 
> It destroyed us financially and took me nearly a year to come out of mentally and I've never been the same emotionally or physically.
> 
> I felt very betrayed by her and I didn't feel she had my back anymore.
> 
> That impacted my desire for sex with her.
> 
> It has been over 4 years and we are definitely better but it took a lot of work from both of us.
> 
> My libido is still very high and we are almost having sex every day.
> 
> It has changed a little in some ways better but in some ways not.
> 
> We are still committed and growing as well as very much in love.
> 
> We took a hit, mostly her fault, but we are recovering.
> 
> She has really bridged the gap and proven herself since the accident.


Oh wow Conan, I never knew that about you guys! That's terrible, what your wife did, I'm so sorry


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