# Anxiety / Depression is ruining us



## drainedhusband (Aug 7, 2011)

My wife and I got married around 1.5 years ago, and things have been steadily going downhill. It took me a while to really recognize the abusive pattern, but it all seems to be with how she handles stress.

Now, I'm not saying I'm some 100% centered individual who can deflect stress without batting an eyelash...stress kills, and I get that it's rough on anybody.

However with my wife, it's a completely different animal. It all started with wedding planning...when deadlines got close, or decisions had to be made - it always felt like *I* was the bad guy. She lashed out each time she was overwhelmed, and I was always the one that took the abuse.

The wedding was beautiful, but it wasn't long after the honeymoon that she started her Masters again. She goes one day a week (Tuesday) and I can see the same pattern every week. We don't do anything on the weekends because "I have to finish this masters project", but then she procrastinates (productively) by doing things like organizing the pantry, or scrubbing the bathroom with a toothbrush. Then she doesn't go to sleep till 4:30 am. Then she wakes up sleep deprived, and is even more grumpy. Come Sunday / Monday she is a completely stressed out wreck. Same pattern (she lashes out, and I try and remain supportive) ... every ... single ... week. All I hear about is this damn masters, how hard it is and how I don't understand how stressed she is. Believe me, I *DO*.

I had faint thoughts of leaving her through these beginning times, but it always felt like our stress was situational. We lived in an efficiency apartment while paying off debt and saving for a house (which is stressful for anybody), so I truly felt that once we moved into a house that the stress would subside.

The week we moved in, she didn't sleep for 5 days straight. She was completely delusional and hallucinating on the fifth day..it scared me ****less. I took her to the hospital, and she said that her problems were from anxiety...a prescription and 30 minutes later and she had drifted off to sleep.

The house we bought is 2800 sq ft, well within our means...we both have great jobs. The house is beautiful, bills are paid, money comes in fine. It makes no sense to me how she can be so stressed. On top of all this, she is a teacher and hasn't worked the last 9 weeks due to summer vacation...this is the time where it should be EASIEST to cope with these things.

She also has endometriosis ... which is extremely painful for her when she menstrates. She had surgery recently for it, and her hormones have been completely out of wack. I feel so horrible for her (while I don't understand hormonal imbalance, it has to be miserable feeling for her), but the way she treats me can be downright atrocious at times. 

And of course...we want to have a baby. All our friends are having babies (or expecting) and I can't be happier for them. I know that when the time is right, we will have a child as well. however *at this point I am completely terrified of bringing a child into this* due to the mental issues that my wife is having. I can't really fully express this to her without feeling like I will completely crumble her world.

It honestly does feel like if she's not stressed, she's in pain, or having bad anxiety / depression or being extremely hormonal. I want nothing more than to be supportive and caring for her ... and I honestly do try my best. I'm not perfect of course, but I do try and keep how she's feeling in the forefront.

Through all this - it makes me feel so terribly guilty. I catch myself thinking "If she wasn't around, life would be so easy." When she is rested, and not stressed, she is the love of my life - but those times are few and far between lately. Dealing with all of this emotional stress has made me lose my joy of life, and I feel like I am falling out of love with the person I care most about.

I am heartbroken, and feel so alone ... when my wife is laying right there next to me.

:: EDIT ::

I realize I never asked for advice. Should I feel horrible about the way I'm feeling? She says we have problems communicating, but it's almost impossible to communicate with someone who feels the way she does. The last thing I want to do is ruin a good day for her since they come so infrequently...but I really feel like she needs counseling. I'd be fine with marriage counseling, but I don't think that is where our problem lies. Or should we go ahead and do marriage counseling as well? I'm so lost.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

_*"She also has endometriosis ... which is extremely painful for her when she menstrates. She had surgery recently for it, and her hormones have been completely out of wack. I feel so horrible for her (while I don't understand hormonal imbalance, it has to be miserable feeling for her), but the way she treats me can be downright atrocious at times."*_

I went through this and people have no idea about the pain. I had no idea about pain (and i've had natural childbirth) until this pain. It is crippling but NO one understands because we "look" normal on the outside. Even surgery doesn't cure it...which is frustrating. It's not just hormonal issues (which suck too), but the physical, 24/7 pain is just UNbearable. 

This doesn't excuse her behavior but I understand. 

Everything else sounds questionable. If it makes you feel bad, then it's a problem. Have you talked to her about it? 

My husband moved out 6 weeks ago because of similar behavior in me  However, this prompted me to look into myself and fix things and we are slowly healing


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## drainedhusband (Aug 7, 2011)

I had never heard about it until I started dating her. It really is horrible ... at points she looks like she's going through more pain than a gunshot victim. It tears me up inside to see it


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_The week we moved in, she didn't sleep for 5 days straight. She was completely delusional and hallucinating on the fifth day..it scared me ****less. I took her to the hospital, and she said that her problems were from anxiety...a prescription and 30 minutes later and she had drifted off to sleep._

This puzzles me. A doctor wouldn't normally do this and drop it and send her off in such an acute case. And frankly it sounds like drug-seeking behavior which again, a doctor wouldn't normally reward.


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## Disposition (Aug 2, 2011)

i'm not trying to be the one to start something......but i don't agree with your comment "dog". 
i've seen, and experianced, similar encounters with the ER. obviously certain people get treated differently, so it may differ for you, but it took me 5 years of being seen at ER before they even STARTED to think there may be a real problem. it's not too uncommon for an ER doc to just simply "patch" the problem with a quick 'script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grendelsmom (Aug 1, 2011)

Does she have to get the Masters to be "highly qualified" to keep her job? If not, I think I'd have a serious discussion about whether she needs to keep pursuing it at this time. It sounds like she has serious procrastination and self-discipline issues that perhaps some counseling could help? I don't believe it's your duty or anything to keep taking her behavior. You ultimately are most responsible to maintaining your own well-being.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well whether its procedure as normal or not it sounds like an acute condition. There aren't that many reasons which aren't connected to actual organic medical illness, that would cause this to happen. People don't stay up for 100 hours because they're distraught unless it's literally a life or death situation like being surrounded by bayonet wielding banzai suicide warriors. 

You might want to look into what would cause such an extreme reaction.


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

drainedhusband said:


> My wife and I got married around 1.5 years ago, and things have been steadily going downhill. It took me a while to really recognize the abusive pattern, but it all seems to be with how she handles stress.
> 
> Now, I'm not saying I'm some 100% centered individual who can deflect stress without batting an eyelash...stress kills, and I get that it's rough on anybody.
> 
> ...


Wow. This all sounds very familiar. Let me tell you some things from my own experience (unfortunately from the perspective of a failed marriage).

My wife was (is) very depressed. She was depressed when we got together and though she had her ups and downs over the years, it steadily got worse. The anxiety is likely related to the depression, but it is difficult to say. As time passed, every single thing I did (which was about 95% or more of the tasks of daily life, from cooking to simply driving) was, according to my wife, done incorrectly. She did not politely tell me this - she insulted and belittled me at essentially every turn. This is the "lashing out" you describe.

My wife also had (or has) endometriosis. She has had a laparoscopy twice for diagnosis and removal. After the first time, she was treated with Lupron, which is essentially a nightmare drug. It acts like a form of forced menopause, and completely destroyed my wife's hormonal balance. Ever since then, her hormones have been increasingly off. She has not had a regular period in almost ten years, and in fact nothing even close to it. She sleeps sometimes not at all, sometimes a few hours, and sometimes for 24 hours or more. Through the course of our counseling, my wife was never able to elaborate exactly why she hated me (or why I felt that way). Our second counselor gave us a battery of self-diagnosis tests, and my wife indicated severe hormonal imbalances, depression, anxiety, and ADD. She unfortunately sought treatment for exactly zero of these conditions, instead choosing to leave the marriage.

You are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. I know because I felt that way myself. I felt bad about it, but you can't help that which you do not control (in this case your wife's behavior). Since this sounds so familiar to me, I would suggest that, if your wife is willing, you see an endocrinologist immediately. Your wife's hormones are way off and depression is a major symptom of this. It is entirely possible that the depression is actually being caused by the hormonal imbalance. If she is treated for what I suspect are severe hormonal imbalances, you can then see where you are as a couple. Perhaps she will require further treatment and perhaps not. Perhaps you will find that your marriage still needs work.

Having seen this myself (and gone through several months of counseling with two different counselors with zero results) I can tell you that unless you take care of the underlying conditions, you will not make progress in your marriage. Hopefully your wife is willing to do this.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

You are very, very smart to not want to bring a child into this. Adding a child would make things worse. If your wife is stressed now, imagine how she'll be after being up all night with an infant.

Regardless of all the stress and pain she is in, it does not give her the right to use you as her emotional punching bag. And she needs to know it isn't ok.

Stand up for yourself. Let her know that you love her and are sorry she is under so much stress, but she does not have the right to take it out on you and you will not tolerate it anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so2007 (Feb 14, 2017)

I totally agree. After having a couple children, it became worse. My wife would tear me apart and say things like "i'm endangering our child" (i left the back door unlocked one night, she has left the front door unlocked countless times). Eventually she filed for divorce, cancelled the filing (spending thousands of dollars in the process). We're doing counseling now but she blames everyone and everything else. She wont even accept responsibility for her own behavior. I'm afraid this will cost me thousands more and a failed marriage with the kids wound up in the middle of it.


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