# help me open my eyes



## justsomeguy (Apr 22, 2010)

I'm the depressed one in my relationship. This is kind of rambling. I'm sorry.

My partner and I have been together for seven years. I would like to be together for many more.

During the summer of our fifth year, we had a fight about chores, and within days a horrible little voice in my head said that I should leave him. We hadn't been having problems - it seemed like it totally came out of nowhere. It was very upsetting. I told him, and we talked about it. Within the next week, the pressure had built up again (the voice still saying "Break up with him!"). I felt really.. distant.. removed.. from "us". I knew that I needed help. I called my insurance, set up an appointment with a therapist.. and since I couldn't get in right away, went to the EAP at my workplace. The session with the counselor was super helpful, and it felt like a weight had been lifted.

A month later, we went on vacation - and in the middle of a movie, I was struck by the thought "I don't love him". It made me physically ill. It still does. Talking to my therapist didn't help. I was stuck with this intrusive thought - obsessing over it constantly. I went to my GP to talk about anti-depressants. He sent me to a psychiatrist, and I've been on meds ever since.

Fast forward two years. I'm still having problems. I'm in therapy 2x a week. I'm miserable. All of my stress between that summer and now has been focused into my relationship (one of my parents died, my job sucks, etc) - which has prevented me from dealing with the other stresses.

It's like having lost your faith in God, but being surrounded by churches. (Or so I'm guessing.. I'm not religious). Constant reminders. I feel like I had this wonderful, beautiful thing, and now I don't want it, and I don't know why. 

I can remember by the end of our first year together... that he just "fit"; that we'd be together. I didn't doubt. I just knew.

I feel like if I could open my eyes and actually look at my life, I'd see things were ok. That I'm where I want to be, with the person I want to be with... but it's so hard to enjoy anything when I'm constantly bombarded with this thought.... "I don't love him..."

All I want is to know that things are alright and that we're ok, and that I actually do love him. I feel like I've been doing all of the things I'm supposed to do and it's not getting better.

I've recently decided that my depression started before that fight.. and that my negative reaction, and the intrusive thoughts are symptoms of my depression. It seems more plausible that finding that I'd fallen out of love over night. These things didn't cause my depression, but _are_ feeding it. I'm hoping that by framing things in that light, I'll be able to sort through some of this crap. I've only had this bit of perspective for a couple of days. 

This is my first long term relationship. I've fought depression all of my life. I'm a pessimist. I have intimacy issues. I have abandonment issues. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teen, and on and off of anti-depressant since 2000. My parents were alcoholics, and it's totally amazing that I don't have a chemical dependency problem.

My partner is still here. We have a home, and pets, and friends. He says that he loves me and that we'll get through it, and that when we do, we'll be stronger for it. He says he still sees love in my eyes. 

My therapist doesn't think it's an "us" issue, rather early childhood "me" issues, and is confident that we'll get through it. My family thinks we'll get through it. Everyone thinks we'll be ok, except for me.. and that only reason I don't is the damn voice in my head.

It's like a toddler saying "I don't like carrots! Carrots are stupid!". It has no proof. But my world view is really black and white. You either are or you're not. No gray. I know that's not realistic, but I don't _know_ that it's not realistic. I can't get the rational side and emotional sides of me talk. I over-think things.. over analyze. I pick at scabs.

I want someone to tell me what to think... how to feel. How to fix it. I want a book I can read, or a med that I can take that will make it all better. I've found there are no silver bullets.. and these things don't get fixed over night. 

Before this bout of depression, it was honestly the best, happiest time in my life. I don't want to walk away from this. I think I'd be miserable for a whole new set of reasons if I did. It feels like part of me already has given up, tho. But, I'm still in therapy. I'm still trying to fight. I've made a number of insights lately that I think could be helpful.

I did some journaling re: what I think love is. When I cast into the future, I see him there. I love to touch him. I love the smell of his hair. He's got the warmest eyes.. and he smiles so easily. I love that I can see his mother in him when he scolds our dogs. I want for him. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a good life. I want him to have everything he wants. I'm a better person when I'm with him. I'm more considerate of other people's needs. I used to like the person I was when I was with him. I try to take hope in all of these things, but then the voice says "...but I don't _love_ him...", and I feel destroyed.

My self esteem is pretty much in the hole. I hate myself. I'm a terrible, awful, broken person. I'm the one saying "I don't love you", but in my mind, I'm the victim - which I know is bullcrap...

If I could break up with me, I would.

I want to work this out. I want this to work out.

I'm so tired. Depression is an awful awful thing.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Guy, I'm so sorry that you are having to struggle not only with the depression but also the black-white thinking, which causes you to flip suddenly from one view of a person to a totally different view. If you would feel comfortable providing it, there is some additional information that would be helpful in promoting a meaningful dialog. Toward that end, I will ask you a few questions.

Do you often have the feeling that you don't know for sure who you are, giving you a feeling of emptiness inside? If so, does having your partner around help to center you, giving you a stronger sense of who you are? Do you tend to switch often from hobby to hobby instead of staying with just one or two? 

In the 7 years you've had with your partner, have you had a pattern of pushing him away when you feel engulfed by him and then later pulling him back by being extra loving and caring? I ask because this is a typical relationship pattern when one partner has the twin fears of abandonment and intimacy (i.e., engulfment), which you say you experience. 

Finally -- this will seem strange but please bear with me -- do you have a fondness for things, like stuffed toy animals, that you associate with childhood (but not necessarily your own childhood)?


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## justsomeguy (Apr 22, 2010)

Just a quick aside.. I don't _think_ that I got BDP.. I've wondered about that before, but I've asked the three therapists I've seen during my adult life, and none of them thought I had it. I do, however, show a lot of the personality traits of being an ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic). Not a big surprise there.



> Do you often have the feeling that you don't know for sure who you are, giving you a feeling of emptiness inside? If so, does having your partner around help to center you, giving you a stronger sense of who you are?


I think I've gone full on codependent. I think that I don't have a great idea of who I am anymore outside of our relationship. I feel like a kid. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. But, I always felt like I could get through anything, or that everything would be ok, if my partner was around... which is one of the things I miss (especially with the crap going on at work, and dealing with my mom's death).

It's kind of hard to feel that sense of security when your brain is appending "...but I don't love him..." to every damn thought.

That said, I'd rather spend time with him more than just about anyone else in the world.

The summer this all started, I had a lot of abandonment stuff get triggered on a number of fronts. My therapist has suggested that part of this may be an "I'm going to leave you before you have a chance to leave me" kind of thing.



> Do you tend to switch often from hobby to hobby instead of staying with just one or two?


I honestly haven't had real hobbies in years. I'd given them up way before I met my partner. I think I need to one to at least have something that I do that is mine. I used to sing in a choir.. help with our community theater.. go dancing... but I really stopped that the late 90s. Then I spent ~5 years chatting with people online, trying to hook up - and otherwise hanging out with friends.

I have hard time starting new hobbies because I have no patience with myself during the learning curve. If I can't do it right, right away, I feel like I'll never be able to do it. Yay, perfectionism. It's very defeatist and sour grapes-y.



> In the 7 years you've had with your partner, have you had a pattern of pushing him away when you feel engulfed by him and then later pulling him back by being extra loving and caring?


Not really. In other relationships, yes.. but this one has always felt really constant.. steady. Neither one of us pulling away, or pursuing madly. It's weird. Before I met him, I had a tendency to run away from people who pursued me, and to pursue people who were uninterested or unavailable. He was the first one that I didn't run away from.. and again it always just felt "right".

Since the depression started, I feel extra clingy. Like I feel I've already lost part of him and can't afford to leave the rest. And while I have been clingy in the past, I didn't feel especially clingy in this relationship until the anxiety / depression kicked in.



> Finally -- this will seem strange but please bear with me -- do you have a fondness for things, like stuffed toy animals, that you associate with childhood (but not necessarily your own childhood)?


The closest thing to this that I can think of is that blankets. I was a kid with a security blanket, and even now, I tend to curl up with one if I'm upset. Unfortunately, it doesn't offer the same level of comfort that it did when I was a kid.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont understand why you are running from the idea that you dont love him. why dont you believe yourself? what are the qualities that you want in a partner? write them down. does your partner have those qualities? Do you really love this guy? maybe you dont. why are you afraid of that?

and you may just not be ready emotionally for a serious relationship. there's nothing wrong with that. 

probably the hardest part of your life journey is going to be learning to trust yourself and your feelings. you'll have to learn to respect yourself and how you feel and stop telling yourself how you should feel. its a long process. be patient with yourself.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Guy, like you, I had an alcoholic parent and thus grew up too fast, becoming the "little man" of the household to substitute for my dad when he was drinking. So I have some codependent aspects to my personality like you do. 

The result is that I grew up thinking that _being needed_ is the same thing as _being loved_. Indeed, if someone does not desperately need me, I have difficulty perceiving that I am really loved even when I am. The best description I have seen of this is by therapist Shari Schreiber at http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html .

Because you may be that way too, one possible cause of your disenchantment with your partner (the summer two years ago) could have been his suddenly becoming more independent due, say, to a job promotion. From what you say, however, that inability to feel love does not appear to be the problem in your 7-year relationship, because you say you have always felt he loves you.


> But my world view is really black and white. You either are or you're not. No gray. I know that's not realistic, but I don't _know_ that it's not realistic.


This black-white thinking, together with your strong fears of abandonment and intimacy, are three hallmarks of BPD -- as you must already know. It was gracious of you to answer all my questions so patiently because you likely saw where I was headed with my very first question -- all of which were intended to help rule out BPD.

Yet, to have BPD, you must have at least five of the nine traits. The nine traits are not equal, however, because the three mentioned above are the core traits that are always present with BPD. It is odd you have the core traits but -- from what you've said so far -- do not have any others at a strong level. In any event, you say three of your therapists have already ruled BPD out.

It is also interesting that you are so remarkably self aware of your problems, which is why you are so actively seeking information from therapists and websites. This happens sometimes with BPD sufferers. Indeed, on a BPD forum, I have communicated with nearly 50 BPDers who are so self aware that they know they have that disorder and are seeking information on it. That is very unusual, however. The vast majority of BPDers (and folks with other PDs) are ego syntonic, i.e., firmly believe that their own behavior is fine and is not the source of their relationship problems. That is one reason it is so difficult to get BPDers to seek treatment.


> I can't get the rational side and emotional sides of me to talk.


As I recently discussed in another thread, this problem is not unique to you. On the contrary, all human beings have this problem because the inner child likely makes at least 90% (if not 95%) of our important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood this simple idea. And it took me 12 years to do it. 

What happened was that I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly "family group" meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psychologist challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year. 

The psychologist was greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would nearly always win. But, regarding myself as such a logical person, I just could not swallow that notion.

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebuke, it dawned on me one night why he had to be right. The child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is _fun_ and what is _not fun_. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in my child's lap. 

This is why, following my separation from my exW, I spent another six months trying to persuade my child that my adult views of her illness are correct. If I had failed in that effort, I would have remained stuck in the 15-year destructive pattern, repeating my past mistakes over and over. 

My point, then, is that it is normal for the child to lag behind the adult, sometimes for many months or a few years. I therefore find that it is far quicker to learn something intellectually than it is to achieve an intuitive, gut level feeling that it is true -- a feeling that is often necessary before I am willing to act on that information. The process of closing that gap is what I think of as turning knowledge into wisdom.


> The summer this all started, I had a lot of abandonment stuff get triggered on a number of fronts.


I sure hope you can tell us more about what was triggering your abandonment fears then, especially with respect to your partner. The loss of your mother -- which must have been a shattering experience -- happened more recently, if I understand you correctly.

One possibility is that you never were strongly attracted to your partner and hence never much feared his abandoning you, i.e., no fear of him leaving what he was lucky to have. In that case, you may have fallen out of love with him because there was no strong bond to begin with -- which seems to be the scenario Blanca is suggesting. Perhaps she is right.

In any event, you depression alone can rob you of feelings for everything on the planet, including your partner. I therefore believe you are wise to try and make your relationship keep working until you have time to find out what is going on inside you.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

justsomeguy said:


> I'm the depressed one in my relationship. This is kind of rambling. I'm sorry.
> 
> My partner and I have been together for seven years. I would like to be together for many more.
> 
> ...


I've also struggled with depression and it can be a major pain. I was allowing my circumstances and spouse to dictate my happiness. If everything went my way and my spouse met my needs, I was happy. If not, no dice. I wasn't very easy to get along with and very moody.

Someone told me a long time ago that before you can truly love another, you have to love yourself and I think that's true. Now that I like or love myself (and have forgiven myself for the past, etc), I can fully give myself to my spouse and love her for who she is and not what she does for me.


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## Turquoise (Sep 15, 2010)

Hi justsomeguy.

I'm hoping you're still around on here, but I fear you're not because this was months ago.

I just wanted to say, I am going through the exact same thing as you and I am deeply depressed. This, for me, has been going on since Nov 08 and I am currently on meds and in therapy. I am so unhappy and can't feel a thing for my boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter.

I hope you read this and respond. Maybe we could help eachother. I am hoping you are ok though and have beaten this.

Turquoise


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