# Year from Hell



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi everyone,

My spouse and I have been together for 9 years. Our relationship was very balanced and as close to perfect as it gets for the first seven years. The problems between us started when she lost her job. She was collecting unemployment for a while; at 99 weeks she was cut off. She's been stuck in a downward spiral ever since. She has made pocket money babysitting for her brother (she has a Master's degree and worked in a professional career prior to her layoff) but as time has passed she has sunk deeper and deeper into depression, hopelessness and helplessness. She hasn't made an effort to find a job; I have enabled that by willingly assuming all of the household bills. When she isn't babysitting, she watches her sister's three children (ages 4,3, and 2) for free or sits at home playing games on Facebook. This has been going on since 2008. I am the breadwinner; I pay all the bills and she gets a small allowance from me in addition to a small amount from her brother for watching his son. 

As I said, our relationship has always been peaceful, loving and harmonious. But beginning last April, out of the blue, she began to change. On one occasion, after she became frustrated with me, she stormed out of the house and was gone for an entire day (went to her brother's). I begged her not to go; she left anyway. I seriously considered ending things with her at that point but decided to stay, and the situation improved. We continued to have occasional (and uncharacteristic) arguments every couple of months but for the most part, things were smooth.

We had a great Christmas season and both of us said that we felt closer to each other than we had in awhile. Then, yesterday, I accidentally found a blog she had created in November. In the blog, she complains that a boy she loved in high school married somebody else. She then proceeded to make very hurtful, obnoxious and demeaning statements about me. She closed by saying our relationship had run its course and she wanted to break up with me, but didn't know how to tell me.

I confronted her about this immediately. She said she "didn't know what she was saying" when she wrote that, that she didn't feel that way anymore, that she loved me, still wanted to be with me and didn't understand why she did what she did. She has been very apologetic, loving and contrite. She said she was "ashamed and embarrassed" and felt like 'the worst person in the world' for having written those things. She reiterated that she does not want to break up. I flat out asked her if she would feel differently if she wasn't financially dependent on me; she said no, that she truly has changed her mind.

I do love her; I do believe her apology is sincere and that she is being honest right now. I can understand her comments in the context of needing to vent frustrations and express conflicting feelings. To be honest, I said very similar things to my confidantes back in April when she walked out. I just didn't write them down where she could find out about them. So I am sticking around. But I am ready for anything; if she changed her mind once she can always change it again. For my part, I am not ready to leave at this point in time. If something like this happens again, though, I will have to reconsider. Most definitely, I am being watchful and observant.

I think I need to start holding her accountable. I am allowing her to revert to the role of child instead of forcing her to be an adult and participate in our relationship. That is on me, and I think that is part of the problem.

Feedback and observations are welcome...thanks!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention kids that usually means you dont have.
Your W cant carry on like this. It will only get worse. Idle hands etc. You have to get her something to do. Somehow force her. What does her brother say. Even if its a lowly paid job still better than doing nothing.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

My advice is to ask your wife to get involved with an active charity. This will get her to build her confidence, be in contact with other people and give her a sense of self worth. Many charities have networks that help people train in many walks of life and through training and active participation your wife might be offered a job. I know of people who have gone down this route and it has benefited them greatly.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Thank you for the replies. My spouse and I had a very nice talk yesterday. She said she did not realize how 'far gone' (her words) she actually was. She is starting to realize her depression is affecting our relationship and that her fear of starting over is the real problem. For my part, I have realized that what I thought was "helping" is actually enabling and that I will have to insist that she shoulder some portion of our bills (even if it's just a small one). She has to get back into the world somehow. There are other issues with her family that are also coming to light that factor into play. Her family is not the answer; they are part of the problem (IMHO). We are talking and things are getting better. I will continue to welcome all thoughts and comments.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There are people losing everything they've worked so hard for because of the economy and still they get two jobs flipping burgers and cleaning floors.

Your wife won't work because she doesn't HAVE to work. 

I have and never will be one that will blame such things on depression, ADD, ADHD, Bi-polar disorder, or any other ailment that is used to explain away bad behavior.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

You are right - and spouse went to work today for the first time in three and a half years - as a temporary office assistant.  It's just one day but it's a start and I have let it be known that the status quo will just not work anymore. Thank you for being here.


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