# What's your opinion?



## BrokenMan (Nov 26, 2011)

This is my first visit to this site since mid 2012. I was hoping I would never be back here TBH.

I've been getting that feeling that something isn't quite right at home, and would like your opinion(s). I just want to see if I'm being paranoid.

Over the last few weeks my ww has become distant. It wasn't a sudden jump, but a more gradual thing. She deletes ALL information from her mobile phone, calls and texts. She is a creature of habit, always doing the same things, but recently when I call her, she's out and about completely breaking her routine.

My wife cheated on me at the end of 2011. After taking all the great advice offered on here, and following the 180, filing for divorce etc, we had a complete u-turn. My ww agreed to complete transparency, gave me access to all email accounts and phone bills etc. It took a very very long time, and even now I have triggers and bad days, but I thought she was actually putting her effort into our relationship.

But just lately there's been that niggling feeling...

Am I paranoid?

Thanks to all.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Do you really want us to tell you what you seem to already know? You know the signs...there is no reason to delete emails etc. Time to go stealth mode....key logger...VAR's...PI..etc.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you look at her bills?

C


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Am I paranoid?_

Nope. Unfortunately.


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## BrokenMan (Nov 26, 2011)

Funnily enough, since she got her new Blackberry with a new provider, the bills are not posted, they are electronic mail!

As I'm typing this I already know what's going on.

I can't be bothered with VARs and Keyloggers. Been there, done that.

I'm not messing anymore. I'm not going to confront her and "beg" for information. I don't care.

What a mug.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> Funnily enough, since she got her new Blackberry with a new provider, the bills are not posted, they are electronic mail!
> 
> As I'm typing this I already know what's going on.
> 
> ...


The second one is the biggie 

Having been forgiven the first time and gone through the sht of reconciliation a cheat choosing to go there for the second time is just trampling all over you and laughing whilst they do it 

Sadly you already know the drill my friend


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> This is my first visit to this site since mid 2012. I was hoping I would never be back here TBH.
> 
> I've been getting that feeling that something isn't quite right at home, and would like your opinion(s). I just want to see if I'm being paranoid.
> 
> ...


Dear BrokenMan,

Sorry you are here again.

I looked at your previous threads and there seems to be a huge gap in your narrative. Early last year, you described your WW as a serial cheater who had no remorse. All indications were that you were headed for D. Then, mid-2012, you said you saw the world in a different light as a result of her adultery but gave no indication of where your marriage stood. Now she seems to be cheating on you again.

What happened? Did she change, at least for a time, and appear remorseful so that you gave her another chance, or did you just rugsweep it?

Knowing what happened may help people here with their advice.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My first thought it's that her and her lover took a short break and then resumed their affair underground. At first she could keep up appearances but now she's getting lazy and you're picking up on things again. That's just my thought.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you handed her the divorce papers yet?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Been there. False R for over a year from late Nov 2011 till late April 2013. My wife finally came clean, she never ended her A.

Sound like yours is in the same place.

I would recommend that you back off, go into investigative mode. It will be revealed soon.

Since she has broken transparency and is now back to sneaking and hiding things, a confrontation will more than likely take it underground.

She is playing games and if you get a GPS, VAR etc. you are going to find out that her A more than likely never ended.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Always trust your gut. Always.

I'm not ready to jump to the conclusion that she has resumed with posom. It may be a totally different man, or it could be that she has just checked out of the marriage finally.

Whatever is going on, it is not good. Your gut tells you enough to know things are declining.

If you are ready to be done, just pull the plug on the marriage.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I'm not messing anymore. I'm not going to confront her and "beg" for information. I don't care.>.

So, if you truly don't care, what are you going to do? Get more info and confront later or just tell her you've had enough and file for D?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> Funnily enough, since she got her new Blackberry with a new provider, the bills are not posted, they are electronic mail!
> 
> As I'm typing this I already know what's going on.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you already know, and that's a good thing. You are right to not want to do the whole VAR and Keylogger and GPS bullsh1t all over again. No man (or woman) should have to.

My advice to you .... do what you should have done in the first time she decided to hurt you .... leave her ass. Expose her to everyone you know for what she is and focus on you. After all, she is focusing on herself.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sorry I skipped over your post about not wanting to do the investigation again. 

Might be worth it in the D though. When a spouse has an A and you "take them back" I am told that legally the A does not really count. Since this sounds like it new or the A never ended it may be worth your time to get evidence. If it does not matter then forget what I wrote. For me, if my wife started up again I would be finished but I would go into investigation mode, get the evidence and use it against her. Because I did take her back and I am told that since I have done that her prior A's don't have much weight.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. I would be concerned. You are either facing a restart of her past or she is checking out of the marriage. 

For your own peace of mind you need to find out. This may just be me but if you are suspecting the A is on again are you having sex at all with her. You could be opening yourself up to an STD.

So either find out for sure or if you are having sex stop!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

BrokenMan said:


> My wife cheated on me at the end of 2011.
> .


 Sounds like she's doing the same thing at the end of 2013. This time don't do the 180 and if your gut feeling is that she's cheating then lay it on the line this . Ask to see her phone and the bills and let her know that she already put you through hell once and you won't go through it again. If she gives you a hard time, don't say a word, just find a lawyer and file. Then the ball is in her court. If she want's to talk, tell her she can either talk to the guy who is giving her the polygraph test and answer all his questions or talk to your attorney. Those are her choices.

It's obvious she talked her way out of the first one and if you give her the floor to plead her case, she'll do everything to talk her way out of this one. Then the third on and fourth. Don't play games this time around or you'll get nailed to the cross again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My thinking is, your old lady had her chance....

trust your gut and if you need to prove it to your self then investigate if not then bail!

Phucket, you diserve good things and after 3 or so years she is screwing you by not helping you heal then get the hell out.

Dude after this crap it should get better and more solid...your chick is dropping the ball.

Again she had her chance to keep you around and jacked it all up by phucken up again.

I'm thinking she knows the drill, throwing her a D and having her served just says it all. Doesn't it? If it was be i would get some validation in filing for D.

And your right she doesn;t need to be confronted...if you just let her go, she will know why and enough would have been said...don't you think?

Just like before ...she dropped the bal and is only waiting for you to catch up cuz she doesn't have the ball to face you!

If it was me I would find the nail in the coffen and file, just so you know for a fact that your old lady did in fact screw up her last chance.

Again she knows the drill...she's just waiting for you to catch up and wonders when and were she will get served.

Man, I'm all for pro marriage but there is no third stricks to this sh1t..only second chances and it appears your old lady blow it!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've tried and in fact gone the extra mile of giving her the gift of a second chance.

You are right this isn't about catching her anymore, it's entirely about answering the question : do you trust her?

Answer: no you don't, entirely because of her past choices and current actions


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Just file.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I just went back and read your previous threads. You have got to be kidding me! She did not show any remorse then and is very definitely a serial cheater. There is nothing there to suggest that you should be surprised at the latest development. Absolutely collect any evidence you can and get shot of her asap for your own well being as well as that of your kids. No question here (funnily, even if she hadn't started up again but just based on how she handled things in the past too).


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## BrokenMan (Nov 26, 2011)

Sorry I didn't reply to you all sooner, but I have to do this from my work PC.

We had a second D-Day, I followed the 180, exposed her to her family (no support there), exposed her to my family (very hard, but they helped me a lot).

I took my kids on holiday with my parents and family, and told her to make her choice. Before I would agree to anything, there had to be complete transparency if we tried again. I wanted to know everything, where she was, who with. She had a toxic friend who covered for her in the past. I told her I wasn't prepared to put up with that friend, and if she was serious she would need to kick her to the kerb.

I laid it on thick. I put in so many hurdles I was fully expecting (and probably hoping) for her to pack her bags and go.

She didn't go. She started making an effort, or so it seemed. I used to dread coming home from work, but things started improving. She took care of the kids, spending more quality time with them, she took care of the house, started talking about the future again (plans for the house and the kids and us). I really can't explain the difference.

It wasn't a quick fix. It was well into this year before I was comfortable talking to her properly.

Of all the things that triggered me most, it was the recent realisation that she has not once said she loves me, off her own back, since the affair. I have thought long and hard and cannot remember one occasion.

That made me feel the need to check her mobile, it was wiped clean. It made me search for bills, nothing available. Bank statements, nothing. I let my eye off the ball.

I don't want to spend my life on alert... always looking over my shoulder and keeping tabs.

My advice and warning to anyone thinking about giving second chances:

Be Prepared.

Prepare yourself for a lifetime of heartache. All the promises, all the assurances, all the effort. It's all worth nowt.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> Sorry I didn't reply to you all sooner, but I have to do this from my work PC.
> 
> We had a second D-Day, I followed the 180, exposed her to her family (no support there), exposed her to my family (very hard, but they helped me a lot).
> 
> ...


Dear BrokenMan,

I see nothing in your post about her expressing regret and remorse or having any real consequences for her infidelity; sounds like it was just swept under the rug. If that's the case, then it's not surprising that your attempt at R failed.

Worse, she has gone back on her promise of complete transparency, assuming she even promised this, your post is unclear.

Your best way forward, however, is clear. Tell her that she has failed to convince you that she sincerely desires to fix her marriage, explain why (lack of transparency, failure to demonstrate remorse, lack of affection, etc.) and file for D. This will either snap her back into reality and a willingness to make an honest attempt to R or demonstrate that she has no real intention of ever being a loving, faithful W. Depending on how she responds you can either slow down or even cancel the D or proceed with it and start to build a new life without her.

If you fail to do this, or take some other, equally forceful action to show her what you expect and need from her, then you have only yourself to blame for what happens next.

Your warning about giving a WS a second chance leading to "a lifetime of heartache" is misplaced. This is the result only if you settle for it. You don't have to, no one does. If that's your choice, fine, but then don't complain about it.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Complete transparency means you being able to compare bills against texts on the phone - she has removed BOTH from your hands. That's enough.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> That made me feel the need to check her mobile, it was wiped clean. It made me search for bills, nothing available. Bank statements, nothing. I let my eye off the ball.
> 
> I don't want to spend my life on alert... always looking over my shoulder and keeping tabs.
> 
> ...


You, my friend, are a living example why I am dead set against reconciliation with a cheating spouse after a physical betrayal. In my opinion, it's nothing but foolishness. I don't have to expand any further, what you said above says it all. Now I hope you do the right thing and dump this parasite.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> Sorry I didn't reply to you all sooner, but I have to do this from my work PC.
> 
> We had a second D-Day, I followed the 180, exposed her to her family (no support there), exposed her to my family (very hard, but they helped me a lot).
> 
> ...


Sadly cant help but agree and I gave her more than two chances

God knows why I did 

I think you're saving yourself a lot of heartache broken

Be strong


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Just get the D papers ready and hand them her. The lack of affection is enough. Don't even ask for her phone. She shd beg you take it. When she has to unlock it you can just ask why she put a password on it without s sharing it with you

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You, my friend, are a living example why I am dead set against reconciliation with a cheating spouse after a physical betrayal. In my opinion, it's nothing but foolishness. I don't have to expand any further, what you said above says it all. Now I hope you do the right thing and dump this parasite.


I disagree. The OP's wife sounds like a serial cheater to me. She didn't show any remorse. Infact I would say she was more annoyed that she was getting caught out in her double life.

Not all people who cheat are like her! Some do it once and regret it totally. They show deep sincere remorse and do whatever they can to rebuild what they have destroyed.

A successful reconciliation is possible with such people.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> That made me feel the need to check her mobile, it was wiped clean. It made me search for bills, nothing available. Bank statements, nothing. I let my eye off the ball.
> 
> I


Have you had her evaluated for personality disorders. If not do so pronto. 

If she does *not* have a Personality disorder, then ask her to submit to a polygraph. 

If she refuses, you almost have your answer.

If she does have a personality disorder she may be able to pass a lie detector test, even though she is in fact not being truthful.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I disagree. The OP's wife sounds like a serial cheater to me. She didn't show any remorse. Infact I would say she was more annoyed that she was getting caught out in her double life.
> 
> Not all people who cheat are like her! Some do it once and regret it totally. They show deep sincere remorse and do whatever they can to rebuild what they have destroyed.
> 
> A successful reconciliation is possible with such people.


I hear you. 

Just to be clear, I'm giving the OP my personal opinion and reconciliation is a recommendation I generally wouldn't make. However, not everyone has my personality or sense of what they can live with and what they can't live with. Many have disagreed with me on this, but that's what this place is about, diversity of opinion and advice. All I could say with a degree of certainty is that I wouldn't attempt a reconciliation after a physical betrayal, no matter how remorseful my spouse was (appears to be). I guess I'm similar to your Best Friend's husband.


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## tribesman (Aug 17, 2013)

What is the point of staying with someone who cheated on you? Just divorce her and go find someone new.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, you gave her another chance after she blew through the other chances.

And she didn't change her spots , she only pulled a cover over them for a bit so you couldn't see them.

Did you make mistakes? Yes, just one and that is not following through on watching her closely. You got suckered by her being sweet and you wanting it to be real.

Time to file and escape the ongoing betrayal.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

BrokenMan, right now, this it you.








You're only taking short jabs right now. Deflate this thing before the real beating starts.

She's cheated on you before. She lost ALL privacy back then and should be 100% transparent.

Even if she's not planning on cheating, or cheating yet, she seems to be well on her way, again. 

You already know where this leads. Do something about it.


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