# Checking up or asking her



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

So I have been told by men on another site to check her phone or her phone records occasionally to see if she is keeping up with the NC she agreed to.

Things have gotten much better since that NC talk and we actually have had some great times together and more sex in Nov/Dec than we had all year up to this point. She is doing much better and so am I.

However, I have not checked her cell phone or her cell phone bill online in about a month, well maybe like 3 weeks. I want to know if she has secretly texted or been in contact with ****head or what. I would like to ask her first and then check the records to see if they match. But it's Christmas, and I am afraid I would actually find out that a.) he did contact her b.) she did not tell me he did or c.) had text conversations with him, even if short and innocent.

Then as I promised I would leave if she broke the NC. I really really would, I know where I would go for a night or two before I could start planning my out. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE OUT. 

Is it wrong to just say "hey has whatshisname texted you at all lately or tried to get in touch with you?"

Flip-side...if I check her cell bill and I don't see anything I would be very happy.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Slippery slope. I wouldn't ask her at this point. Just take a look at the online record.
If you see a few instances, its a safe bet he is reaching out to her. If you see dozens, then she is complicit.

There is a fine line between rebuilding trust, and sweeping things under the carpet. Most guilty parties prefer rug sweeping to being reminded that they screwed up big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So basically, you don't want to know. At least right now, which is kind of understandable. Just recognize that you're sticking your head in the sand, and check up after Christmas. It's not like she can modify the phone companies records between now and then. And it should let you enjoy your holidays a bit more.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I would avoid having the conversation. If she has been true with NC, you dont want to bring it up.

Im a firm believer that if you want to reconcile after an affair, you need to start from scratch. You simply cant continue to build off of something toxic. I bring this up because of your wording, and the fact you hold a lot of resentment towards your wife, and will most likely never let it go.

If he's a ****head, then she's a ****head by association. Like I said, start from scratch with her.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I would continue snooping until I am totally happy that they are no longer in contact with one another. For me it would take at least 3 months, probably more, of “verified no contact”. The amount of time would depend upon factors like true remorse, heartfelt apologies, asking for forgiveness those sort of things. If I didn’t feel in my gut that she was truly sorry I’d probably never trust her again anyway. Lets face it you were totally and utterly duped by her deceits and lies before so she’s got to do a lot of work to regain your implicit, instinctual trust. It’s your trust that she shattered by her betrayal and she has to do the work to get your trust back again. Part of the work on her part is true and total openness until you are ready to give her your trust again.


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