# Should I keep trying?



## conflicted_heart (Jun 27, 2018)

Hey guys,

Long story short, been with my partner for 6 years. First 5 years or so, he treated me really badly (lying, condescending, etc). This is only my second relationship and being so insecure I often blamed myself for the bad treatment. The relationship yo-yoed for years, with the "breakup to makeup game", always initiated by him, only to return a few months later (after what I can imagine was an unsuccessful attempt to find something better).

So fast forward to 1 year ago, I finally had a enough and decided to end things. Suddenly he is fully committed, apologetic and willing to do anything to fix the relationship. He even went to far as to propose. Although wary, I agreed to it. We continue to be kind to each other, even though on my part I am mostly going through the motions. At this point I don't feel like I can trust him, and all this "nice guy" stuff is an act. 

To make things more complicated, I recently (3 mos ago) met someone who I really hit it off with. We have only been talking but its clear we both like each other. My partner has become suspicious, telling me that I look "distracted" as if I have someone else on my mind. 

So my dilemma is this. He is living up to his promise to be nicer to me, but I have been so distraught the past few years its hard to feel in love with him anymore. IT doesn't help that I have met someone new, who is my same age and really compatible with me. I just cant help but fear that I'm going to end a relationship of 6 years over a "crush" (because honestly at this point its all it really is).

I don't want to continue letting things progress with the new guy until I end things with my current partner. 

Anyone had a similar experience? Advice on how to handle this?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Don’t end it for the new guy. End because it needs to be ended. 


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Don’t end it for the new guy. End because it needs to be ended.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This sums it up perfectly. You said you no longer trust him. Don't marry a man you don't trust. He will get worse once you get married.....and you know what you know already without marrying him.


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## LostMama18 (May 28, 2018)

conflicted_heart said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I haven’t read the whole thread yet but I will. Just for now I’d like to say if I were in your shoes I would stop talking to the new guy.

I’m a relationship exactly like the one you described being in for 6 years. Same amount of time too. It has always been a roller coaster. I, too, blamed myself because I didn’t value myself. I’m still learning this. 

If you want it to work seek counseling. Personally, I think you’re done and just afraid to let go like I have been. But if 6 year guy holds to his changes for a good amount of time then it may be possible to work it out. 

I think you owe it to yourself to take some time to heal you if you decide the 6 year relationship isn’t for you. Damage like you describe is hard to heal and new relationships don’t “fix” that hurt in you. Don’t marry that guy any time soon. 

I do understand that the new guy has you thinking. You’ve been beaten down. Low self esteem. Not feeling in love. And here is this new person that makes you feel a little more alive, right? He gets you? I fell for that too. And I’ve let this man wreck me beyond belief. Totally wrecked. Heal yourself. Screw the guys. Not literally. Lol.  It’s hard to resist. But you’re worth healing time. And you next partner is too. 

Until you figure out why you let people treat you poorly you are liable to repeat this over and over. I’ve done it twice now. I thought the new guy got me and made me feel things I hadn’t in years and it’s been nothing short of a total $hit show the entire time. 

Makes my stomach hurt to look back at what I’ve taken from this man.

I have a long way to go in my healing process. I still have so much to learn and practice. It’s hard and depressing and I’m moody and emotional. But I know this. I didn’t do anything to deserve the poor treatment over the years and as much as I want to blame him, I’m the one that allowed it. 

I know deep down inside, I can’t heal with him. I just can’t. The damage is too bad. The wounds are too deep. 

Just don’t blur the lines with a third party. It rarely turns out like you think it will. And even though 6 year guy hasn’t been great, you did recommit. Don’t be a cheater. It doesn’t sound like that’s who you are.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

conflicted_heart said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> Long story short, been with my partner for 6 years. First 5 years or so, he treated me really badly (lying, condescending, etc). This is only my second relationship and being so insecure I often blamed myself for the bad treatment. The relationship yo-yoed for years, with the "breakup to makeup game", always initiated by him, only to return a few months later (after what I can imagine was an unsuccessful attempt to find something better).
> 
> ...


Marriage is no picnic and requires patience, preserve race and trust. You BF only proposed to keep you on the hook. Finish with him, it will not make for a happy marriage. He showed you who he was the first time so believe him and dump his ass.

No need to rush into another relationship. Do some reflection to see why you let him treat you badly and develop your self esteem for you. You will only find happiness when you learn how to be happy with yourself not because of who you are with.


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## conflicted_heart (Jun 27, 2018)

Thank you this was very helpful. Just gotta muster the courage to end it. I've tried a few times already and each time he starts with the mind games and guilt trips. Last attempt he refused to move out of the apartment. Time to step it up and get it done. Thank you.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Hun, you don't marry a man who abused you for years.

Those mind games? The controlling behavior, the break ups, the off and on.

None of they will change - this would never be a happy marriage and the odds that it would stand the test of time is very very very slim.

He proposed so he could keep controlling you.

Take your power back and work on yourself. You won't be ready for a healthy relationship until you heal from his abuse and have the confidence to be on your own.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

conflicted_heart said:


> First 5 years or so, he treated me really badly (lying, condescending, etc).


Let's start with the basics.

Dating is an interview and tryout/probationary period where we spend time with someone to see if they are compatible with us and share the same goals, values, temperments etc and to see if they are the one we want to marry and have a home and family with etc. 


This should have ended the moment he treated you badly. 

He will revert back to his baseline character and behavior once he thinks he has you in the bag and he is no longer able to "act" nice. 

I agree with the above poster - do not end it for the new guy. End it because it needs to end. 


Then you can go out with whoever you want, whenever you want.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

conflicted_heart said:


> Thank you this was very helpful. Just gotta muster the courage to end it. I've tried a few times already and each time he starts with the mind games and guilt trips. Last attempt he refused to move out of the apartment. Time to step it up and get it done. Thank you.


Now let's talk about how break ups work for a moment. 

You break up by breaking up. You don't do it by convincing someone to agree to it and see it from your perspective and have them comply with all your wishes. 

You do it by packing up your stuff and leaving and not returning their emails, txts, phone calls and refusing to see them, talk to them or allow them to engage you in person. 

You get no-contact orders and restraining orders if you have to. 

People can not play mind games on you if you do not allow them to have contact with you. 

If someone is mind gaming you, then you have not actually broken up with them. That is on you.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Don't screw your life up by marrying someone you aren't fully committed to or you think is putting on an act. You might as well pay a divorce lawyer on your wedding day to be on stand by. Be smart.


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## conflicted_heart (Jun 27, 2018)

Thank you guys for the feedback, I'm gonna end it today. Just need to muster up the courage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

conflicted_heart said:


> Thank you guys for the feedback, I'm gonna end it today. Just need to muster up the courage.



Just remember that courage doesn't mean a lack of fear or not having any sadness or trepidation about the final outcome.

Courage is doing what needs to be done in spite of the fear and trepidation.


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## conflicted_heart (Jun 27, 2018)

I moved out. Currently staying with my folks. I feel so relieved but fearful at the same time about how I'm gonna feel in a few days when the breakup really sets in. I know time will heal.

I wanted to thank everyone for their feedback. Was really kind of you all to take the time to respond and give me some support.

Much appreciated


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

conflicted_heart said:


> I moved out. Currently staying with my folks. I feel so relieved but fearful at the same time about how I'm gonna feel in a few days when the breakup really sets in. I know time will heal.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




When doubt starts creeping in, just come on back and we’ll talk you off the ledge. lol 


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## conflicted_heart (Jun 27, 2018)

Thank you very much. After I moved out, he called me several times (I responded via text that I did not want to talk and to please give me space). Hours later at 2:30am he sends me a cryptic message that he does not feel "comfortable staying in town and that he would leave for about a week." I didn't bother asking where he was going, because at this point I'm just glad he is out, but I worry now...is this it? Or is this some kind of game? What do you guys think?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I would go dark. Sounds like he’s trying to game you. Don’t respond. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Generally, when people end a relationship they don't send cryptic messages about trips they're taking. They just move on with their lives. So, yes, that message was meant to suck you in. Do not even think about it. Just block him on your phone and all social media.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

conflicted_heart said:


> Thank you very much. After I moved out, he called me several times (I responded via text that I did not want to talk and to please give me space). Hours later at 2:30am he sends me a cryptic message that he does not feel "comfortable staying in town and that he would leave for about a week." I didn't bother asking where he was going, because at this point I'm just glad he is out, but I worry now...is this it? Or is this some kind of game? What do you guys think?


Yes, it's a mind game. 

Remember what I said, people can only play mind games on you if you let them. 

There is a nice feature on your phone that prevents mind games. It's called the "block" feature and it works wonders.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

conflicted_heart said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> Long story short, been with my partner for 6 years. First 5 years or so, he treated me really badly (lying, condescending, etc). This is only my second relationship and being so insecure I often blamed myself for the bad treatment. The relationship yo-yoed for years, with the "breakup to makeup game", always initiated by him, only to return a few months later (after what I can imagine was an unsuccessful attempt to find something better).
> 
> ...


If you aren't married you are free to end it. Probably best not to jump into a new relationship for some time though.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Now let's talk about how break ups work for a moment.
> 
> You break up by breaking up. You don't do it by convincing someone to agree to it and see it from your perspective and have them comply with all your wishes.
> 
> ...





> 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
> Paul Simon
> The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
> The answer is easy if you take it logically
> ...


Oldshirt is correct. He cannot force you to be in a relationship with him. He can beg, plead, harass and manipulate- but ultimately cut him out of your life. Change your number, move, and whatever else you need to do if it's TRULY what you want and must do.

I think the advice from another poster about "going dark" is best. Don't let him keep trying to hook you (texting) and feeding his ego.


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