# My first post. How to regain trust? (Very long post)



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Hi all. I must start off by saying: I love this forum!

Well here is my story. I am a 39 year old SAHM with 2 kids. I have been married for 4 years and for the most part we have had a good marriage. Until HOWEVER…..

My husband started his own business this past January. About a month ago, I found out that he has been talking other with women. I found out because our rollover minutes ran out on our cell phone plan. (We had about 1,400 rollover minutes.) I noticed there was one woman that is a client that he was talking to everyday. Sometimes as much as 9 times a day! Some of these calls were 10-15 minutes long and a few went on for about 1 hour or more. There was even numerous text messages sent back and forth. One day they text messaged each other 10 times!

Another woman he was talking to, he said he met online. He did not talk to her as much BUT there was a call that was after 9pm and went on 228 minutes. (That’s almost 4 hours.) There was another time (a day before our anniversary) when he was on the phone with her at 10:30 PM for about an hour. HOWEVER, they text each other after they got off of the phone. These 4 texts were from about 1am – 3am.

My husband travels a lot with business so he has “free rein” without the Mrs. being there. And now this bothers me.

Sorry for the long post. I want you guys to get all the details before you give me your opinion.

I confronted my husband when he got back from out of town about the phone calls. I knew it would be easier to lie and dismiss it over the phone than in person. And let me tell you--- that was the hardest thing I had to do. Pretending nothing was wrong when I talked to my husband on the phone for 2-3 days was very hard. When I confronted him, he was so nervous and shaking. He even cried because of the pressure. I told him I wanted to see the text messages, BUT he had already erased them. I also wanted to see all the e-mails that he was sending to these women. HOWEVER my mistake was not looking at them on HIS computer. The kids were getting up and I did not want them to see us discussing this.

Now I don’t trust my husband so I periodically check his e-mails and cell phone usage. So later that day, I checked his e-mail. I had his password on my computer because he use to use mines until he got his own computer. All were tame EXCEPT the one he sent to his friends telling them how he met a girl out of town and she e-mailed my husband a picture of herself. He wanted to get his friends’ opinions. This also bothered me because what are doing exchanging contact info with another woman? Are there others and is this the only one I happen to find out about. Anyway……

He also e-mailed the client and told her that his wife found out that they were talking a lot on the phone. He told her that it needed to stop BUT they can still e-mail because my wife doesn’t check his e-mails. 

Later that night, after the kids were asleep; I confronted him again. This time I let him know that I checked his e-mails and saw the e-mail to his friends and the one to his client. I told him I did not like the fact that he is willing to have this “relationship” behind my back. My husband said that she is just a client, but he will cut all ties with her. As for the woman he e-mailed her picture to his friends; he said that he soon will be forty and he wanted to see if “he still got it”. But in my mind I am thinking why give her your business card with your true information? However, I let that one slide because I have heard of both women and men feeling this way.

That night I thought long and hard about what I needed to regain trust in him. I e-mailed my husband the next day and told him that he could not call any woman after 10pm, no more text messages to women after 11pm. and he cannot be on the phone with a woman for more than 30 minutes. 

I also told him that I know he wanted to continue keeping in contact with her to get some business from her BUT this is a confusing message to me as well as disrespectful. I also feel like keeping in contact with her professionally would eventually lead back to him calling her numerous times a day and talking with her on a more personal level. I also stated that right now, I feel like she is more important than I am to him and if his relationship with her (business or personal) continues, it is like he is telling me SHE IS more important. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once. 

Do you know what he had the audacity to e-mail me back? We have to talk about this more at home because she is a client and I am making money from the business and referrals she is giving me. 

Later that night, when I spoke to him about his e-mail, he told me how this was business and she is giving me $6K for my business. I told him, “Let me get this straight. You want to go out of town with a woman that you are talking with on the phone everyday, numerous times a day, and you want me to be ok with it?” He said he did not think of it that way. I told him if the tables were turned and I went out of town with some guy that’s a business client (I used to own my own business before having kids) that YOU think I may have feelings for; you probably would not be taking it so lightly. So basically we came to a compromise that he would have the other driver do the trip.

Since then, we have not talked about the calls or text messages. Only one time he told me that this client called but that’s it. I know she called more (about 5 times in about a month's time) because I noticed it on the phone bill. I even check his phone to see if there are any inappropriate text messages. (Thank goodness I did not find any.) However, he is still secretive. About 2 weeks ago, he changed his password to his e-mail and computer.

Every day I am thinking about this. Before all of this, I trusted my husband 100%. Now I only trust him about 30%, and that’s on a good day. What do I do? How can I regain trust and faith in my husband?

I have all these feelings of mistrust and I don’t feel that my husband “has my back”. I feel like he puts his needs before mine, his clients and his business before me and I question what is the difference between me and a stranger on the street? I also feel “unspecial” and unimportant to him. What do I do?

Thanks for letting me vent. It feels good “talking” to someone about it.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Contact your phone company most can send you every email recieved or sent on the phone. Your husband doesn't seem to know this. Maybe you can put the issue to rest.

It doesn't matter if he is flirting or doing something more. At the very least he had an emotional affair. If he can't understand that, he's nuts.

draconis


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

draconis said:


> Contact your phone company most can send you every email recieved or sent on the phone. Your husband doesn't seem to know this. Maybe you can put the issue to rest.
> 
> It doesn't matter if he is flirting or doing something more. At the very least he had an emotional affair. If he can't understand that, he's nuts.
> 
> draconis


draconis,

Thanks for the heads up. As soon as my husband goes to work, I am going to contact the phone company.

I think my husband knows what he did was wrong, BUT, I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. And that's one of the problems I am having with this. There is no sacrifice for me or our marriage.

The only good thing out of this is that now I focus more on him. Since having kids, they are and will always be my top priority (that's why I gave up my business). Unfortunately, for almost the past 3 years (my oldest will be 3 in September) it has been mainly about them and my husband got the back burner.

My husband is not the most romantic guy, not very affectionate (only during sex), and he doesn't usually tell me how he feels about me. About a week ago, I asked him how can I tell if he loves me. He did not know. I asked him how can I tell the difference between how he treats his clients and me. He then told me that while he was on a trip with a baseball team, he heard one of the coaches call his wife to give her updates of the championship games. And every time this coach called his wife, he ended the call by telling her he loved her. Seeing this, my husband then decided that would be a good idea for him to do too. And for past week he has done this. This is the first time in a long time he has shown me that I am special to him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

L&M

This is/was definitely an emotional affair. All the signs are there and I have been in your shoes, my wife was involved in one for nearly a year. You are taking the right steps in helping your marriage heal with the exception of the continued contact. Good business or not he needs to cut all ties. As long as he has any contact with her you run the risk of them beginning again. Rebuilding trust can be done but may take time. Also after contact is cut it may take time for the marriage to recover. If you truly feel he is still in contact with her and must make sure, you can purchase a key logger program and install it on his computer. This will give you a report of his activities on the PC. If you are uncomfortable with that (I would be) then commit to trust in him, continue on your goals to put more focus on him and grow in your marriage. It is good to hear he is making changes to show you he loves you in return. OBTW there’s nothing wrong with talking with your husband about more romance. Tell him that is important to you and what kind of things you’d like to see. We can be taught!! Good luck.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

draconis said:


> Contact your phone company most can send you every email recieved or sent on the phone. Your husband doesn't seem to know this. Maybe you can put the issue to rest.
> draconis


draconis, 

I checked with the cell phone company and they said the only way they can give me copy of those text messages are through court subpoena. The c/s rep I spoke with said that is with all cell phone companies.

Thanks though for the info.


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## dukegirl94 (Aug 16, 2008)

Sounds like you have an issue here. I dealt with a similiar situation a few years ago when I first married my husband, and even before that when we were dating. Ok, let's face it, men are NOT the smartest creatures walking the Earth. Your husband has slipped, and my guess is you've only touched the TIP of the iceberg. Have you checked your credit card statements? That usually gives you a few hints of what's going on. Look for entertainment spots on the bill--restaurants, movies, etc. This is usually a dead giveaway as to your husband's actions. My guess is that he's got a few transactions that may be hard to explain. 

Your husband sounds like a man who puts business before family. Are you sure this is a man you really want to be with? Do you think he really loves you? I hate to sound harsh here, but I'm not so sure you're number one for him. My husband was/is the same way; His job is top priority (what is it with men?).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dukegirl94 said:


> Sounds like you have an issue here. I dealt with a similiar situation a few years ago when I first married my husband, and even before that when we were dating. Ok, let's face it, men are NOT the smartest creatures walking the Earth. Your husband has slipped, and my guess is you've only touched the TIP of the iceberg. Have you checked your credit card statements? That usually gives you a few hints of what's going on. Look for entertainment spots on the bill--restaurants, movies, etc. This is usually a dead giveaway as to your husband's actions. My guess is that he's got a few transactions that may be hard to explain.
> 
> Your husband sounds like a man who puts business before family. Are you sure this is a man you really want to be with? Do you think he really loves you? I hate to sound harsh here, but I'm not so sure you're number one for him. My husband was/is the same way; His job is top priority (what is it with men?).


Trust me it isn't just men, and to think dso is sexist.

draconis


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Well, I would get a part time job. Maybe discuss with him that he put an end to his business and get a 9-5 job as well. You can both share the child care and cooking etc. and you can both work. I now firmly believe that women need to make sure they have a career and keep themselves marketable. Just in case. You never know.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Sorry to hear all of this is going on and I can relate...I am 39 and my husband is 41. He started texting a girl a lot (over 700 msgs per month), I was told its nothing we're just friends. He stopped but it then started again. Then I knew it progressed when she could no longer look me in the eye and stopped speaking to me (she's a neighbor and when we hung out she'd get as far from me as she could). Prior to all this I had trusted him 100% and never thought to check up on him in fact the only reason I looked at the texts is because he went over and I thought it was an error! Long story short, he ended up having an affair with her and we are in the rebuild mode. We are in counseling, I can't imagine doing it without it so I recommend that to you. Also I'm not hearing anything that he is doing to gain your trust back. He sounds like he is still in the denial stage and why did he go out and try to find another relationship? Unless he is willing to commit to you 100%, I don't think you can trust him. In our case, I threw him out and he asked to come back and promised 100% commitment. I don't trust him, we are working on that. In counseling he had a breakthrough as to why. He just kind of blurted out that he's getting older and yeah he wants to know he still has it and with both of us we focused 100% of our attention on everything but each other and he felt something was missing so he thought he must not love me as much as he did. He went out searching for validation that it wasn't him and he found it. It didn't make him happy, it made him sad, angry, depressed and hugely guilty. He does carry a lot of guilt, he says "I'm sorry" a lot. Once you get to that stage (he has admitted its wrong and willing to change and be 100% committed) its not about him having to "pay" for what he did but he does have to do things to gain your trust back. I don't want to check our phone bills or his iphone, etc. I don't want that relationship (have I, yeah I'm human). Its his actions and if he shows me he is committed and willing to do the hard work it takes to fix what is broken, I'll meet him halfway. Find out what was broken to begin with and fix that. We are both learning its the disconnection between us due to family, finance, work etc. commitments. We now make time for just us and it takes us back to the early days of our relationship. Communication is key too, listening with an open mind and not getting defensive so the other is willing to open up. This has worked major changes and helped us to repair some of this damage.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Oh my!!! Does your computer have a mind reader?  This is exactly how I feel. I feel my husband is doing all of this because he is getting older and he wants to see if he "still got it."

I also feel like he is committed to himself and his new business. And because of this, I have taken a back seat. I do not think he is 100% committed to me or is he willing to sacrifice for our marriage.

Counseling sounds like a good idea. However, I don't think my husband will go for it. Also, he is the sole provider so money is tight right now.


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