# Devastated



## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

This is my first posts on here so please bare with me. First I would like to say a little about my self. I am currently serving in the military and serving in the middle east on my third tour. I am 22 years old and slated to return home in a month. I need some advice and help so heres my story.

In 2007, while deployed to Afghanistan, I met this girl online and we talked alot. We became close(or so I thought) and buil a relationship on that. Eventually I bought a plane ticket and decided to go see her when I got back. On my way back, I received an email from her backing down. It was hard but I got over it and moved on. When I got home (jan 08'), I cancelled my ticket and went back to my normal life. She began to call me again sometime around May 08 but I was still mad over the past. Well, eventually and gave her another chance and I decided to visit her in Sep of 08. It was just how I thought it would be. Everything went great and we had a good time. I introduced her to some family members and hung out. I felt like she was the one for me. I returned home and she came to visit me in October. On the night she got there, I noticed she was in a down mood and began to ask her questions, she admitted to cheating on me and was crying her eyes out. We had a good talk and she seemed to be honest about everything. I had plans to propose and did so the next day and she said yes. We got married on Dec 31st 2008 at her family's hometown. Everything went good but we had to go our separate ways until the military allowed us to live together. She came to visit again in January 09 and left soon after. In March, I went flew down to pick her up and we both drove back. Everything was crazy because we had to furnish the house and get everything straight since I was scheduled to deploy in early june. Well, that gave us two months to get some things straight. I left early june and here I am now. We've had some arguments over phone calls and ex boyfriends she has contacted in the past. She mentioned this guy that was nice when I was there but I thought nothing of it. About a month into my deployment, she told me that one guy(married with kids) had sent her a nasty email before I left saying if she wasnt married, he would F the s*&t out of her. Of course I was mad she had not told me before but she said she didnt want to alert me and wanted us to enjoy the couple days we had left. I kept seeing all these late night phone calls from one number and decided to call it. Guess who it was? It was him. Her explanation was that she needed someone to talk to and he was the only person she knew. I was outraged and asked to drop all contact and tell him to leave her alone. About week later, I found out theyre still talking. I was mad again but she said his wife called her accusing her of stuff so she was just getting it straight that nothing happened. Well, I let it all drop and fast forward to tuesday. I get an email from the guys wife saying that my wife had sex with her husband 5 or more times in her bed. I immediatly call come to confront her on this and she denies it. By now I was tired of all the lies and deception so I was just gonna call it quits. She reluctantly confessed to cheating on me with the guy. I couldnt take it so I hung up. We ended up talking on messenger later that night and of course, I wanted to know everything. She felt so sorry about everything but she stated it had nothing to do with me, thats just the way she is, she has never been loyal. She admitted to having a problem and that she needed help. I was devastated because I never knew about this "problem". She then confessed to cheating on me with 4 other guys before this guy and after our marriage. Yes, you can guess how im feeling right now and I honestly dont know how I can be myself right now. We work long hours here with little time off and its already a stressful envirnment as it is. She would literally get off the phone with me and go to this guy's house. She begged for forgiveness but I am reluctant to think any good will come from this. I really love her and thought she loved me but I cannot be someones rag doll. We have talked about things and whats going to happen but I am hung up on my decision. I wish we could start fresh but we all know thats not really possible. I dont see myself forgetting all of this and just moving on. I really want to be with her but I have a gut feeling we will just end up on the same road again. I have absolutely no trust in her so I cannot believe her claims that she will do what it takes to make it better. She is scheduled to see a counselor now. I just dont know guys, how do you let go of someone you love? When is it time to say enough is enough? When will it end? She says now I know everything about her so she has nothing to hide and our marriage should be better because she has no secrets. I feel betrayed and cheated out of everything. I just cant believe she would do this to me while Im overhere, theres no worse feeling. I apologize in advance for my grammar. Please advice.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Divorce her as soon as you get back. She is a serial cheater. She will always be a serial cheater. You are only asking for more pain if you stay with her. I am serious. Divorce her.


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. Its been a hard couple of days for me accepting this.


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## hurtingman (Sep 6, 2009)

I will have to agree with the previous thread you didn't fall in love with her you fell in love with wat she portrayed


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I am sorry for your pain. Unfortunately this happens oftentimes when people have long distance relationships. I wouldn't presume to know if she would continue with these affairs were you together, but it is a possibility. 

It is ultimately up to you to decide if you wish to give her another chance. It is almost like playing the lottery.

Good luck and best wishes for your future, with or without her.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I really feel sorry for you, betrayal is so bad and this is at a big level. I recently found out my wife had an affair and am dealing with it and trying to fogive her. But honestly, she is an awesome wife in some many other ways and feels terrible about what happened. You need to decide if this one is worth working on but I agree that this number of men would make me think it might be unworkable...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Thank You for your service to our country


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

Once again, thanks for your input. You know whats funny, Im not even American(born). I became a citizen just so I could stay in the military. I have noticed that alot of us in here are military.


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## cea (Sep 13, 2009)

First, let me say that you're my Hero. You are what makes Americans so fiercely proud of our nation's troops. The kind of sacrifice you and your mates makes for every single citizen of America deserves the highest praise. YOU are what makes America great.
Second, let this tramp go. A Hero deserves the best. Being so far away from home, it's so very wrong for anyone to something to hurt you when there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Please tell this bimbo to take a hike! She doesn't deserve any of the benefits that you are working so hard to earn. 
And last, the relationship you have with this person is NOT love. You are far away from all that you know, your friends, your family, your home. It is natural for you to want a deep connection to someone who loves you and wants you. THIS WOMAN IS NOT THAT PERSON.
PLEASE take the steps necessary to divorce her. The person that you are waiting for, the one who will love only you, who dreams of you at night, who counts the days until she can hold you in her arms is still out there.
You just haven't found her yet. 
Please stay safe, keep your head down, and come home to the people who love and support you!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well put.

Your wife seems to be scrambling to keep you hanging on, but her actions have proven she cannot handle being faithful when you are apart. You do not deserve to worry about this each time you are deployed, even if things seem great when you are together.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry but I think you need to walk away! She's a serial cheater and she doesn't seem to know how to stop. She also has no issue with sleeping with another woman's husband. 

About a year ago I suspected my H was having an affair. We have been together 23 years, married 15 and we have 2 kids. So not so easy to walk away right? He denied the affair, and so I thought we may just be drifting. I put in 110% in to fixing it and one person can and did make a difference, but before he broke it off with the OW I found out for sure. I kicked him out that night, changed locks on the house and told him he could sleep in his truck for all I care but he doesn't live here anymore. 

We did reconcile, he asked me to go to counseling, nothing else. We did and it was very successful but its been a long and painful road. I absolutely will never go through that a second time. If he ever so much as connects with another woman in an emotional way, he's out. No second chances. 

Before I knew about the OW for sure (had a pretty good feeling), I had set a deadline. I remember it was before I went on a trip (not with him, took my daughter and he was having a grand old time in our house, our bed so I found out later!) this was Jul30 2008 and I set until Labor Day. If I did not see a drastic turnaround, I was going to ask him to leave. He did start to change, but still had contact with the OW who he said was just a friend. He was at work and wanted to come get me for lunch. I decided to give him an out and I said "before I go with you, I have to know two things. Can you and will you give her up?". No accusatiosn, no confessions at this point. He said "yes and yes". For me that lunch was do we continue on with our marriage. He knew it. But guess what? He lied. There was to be at least a couple more times they had sex then I found the emails to her. So out he goes! 

When we reconciled I was very clear I said I need to know 1) you are recommitting to me everything you promised in your marriage vows, and this is to be forever with no guarantees from me. You had that from me, you broke it and now I'm going to see if this is something I can get over. 2) No contact with her at all (he broke this one - strike #1) 3) This will be a very long and difficult road, don't go down it if you don't expect some really bad days from me and can't help me get through it 4) Total transparency and honesty 5) If ever you do this again, there will not be any discussions. I will immediately file for a divorce. 

To me, this was the only way. He agreed 110% to all of these things and with two fumbles (decided he needed closure and emailed her to end things.. and was not completely honest at first in answering my questions.)

Bottomline, is you have to have those same things. If not, you're too young to live your life with someone like this! I will honestly tell you something else, something I told my H and meant it. If this had happened 15 years ago, I wouldn't have thought twice. Would have filed for divorce without any discussion. Why I even considered it is, we have 23 years of friendship, love, and wonderful memories. We have 2 children who I at least wanted to try to keep our family together. Also the man I fell in love with and married was not the conniving, cheating, jack### who did this. I don't know that guy, but he changed for awhile. 

So that's why I tell you to get out. You deserve better and you will find better if you let yourself!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Dude this is the honeymoon phase. It's gonna get worse.


:iagree: 100%


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

undecided said:


> Once again, thanks for your input. You know whats funny, Im not even American(born). I became a citizen just so I could stay in the military. I have noticed that alot of us in here are military.


Thank you!


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

I'm really sorry that you have been through such a painful ordeal. It's not fair at all.
I have to agree with what people are saying that it may be best for you to get out now- I know that is a very difficult thing to do, but you may be saving yourself a whole lot of future heartache that you don't deserve.
it sounds like you have done all that you can to try and keep the relationship going. It sounds as if you have a lot of love to give, and I hope that you are able to find someone who will have just as much to give back to you.
Good luck.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

First off...meeting someone online without knowing their past is a bad start of a relationship. 
Second, is she younger than you? How long did you guys know each other before you got married? And, you knew she cheated on you before you proposed and yet you proposed to her the next day? I think you made it to easy for her. She knows she can do anything, and since you love her so much, she can be forgiven easy. I agree with every one else.:iagree:
You are young and will find someone else who cares about you as much as you care about them.


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey everyone!!!

It's been almost three years since I came here looking for advice. After I got back home, I tried to make things work against all odds. Things seemed ok but in my opinion she wasnt showing enough remorse and eventually she got into the "get over it" attitude.

I went to counseling but that didnt help much. Eventually the messages and secrets kept popping up. In the end, it was just too much for me to take. 

In December 2010, I decided that I wasnt going to put any effort into the relationship and checkout. The divorce was finalized in January 2011 with some bumps and fights along the way. 

I must say I still havent gotten over the events of that summer and I probably will not for sometime. It is affecting my dating life because I am not trusting people as I would have in the past. Almost as if I have cold feet or subconciously fear being in another relationship.

You were all right about her not changing...its just hard to see things clearly when your under that big dark cloud.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wow! I can't believe you gave 2 chances - one before marriage and another one after marriage after she had cheated on you with 4+ guys.
You must have been really blind but be glad it's over and you don't have to live with a sl*tty liar anymore!


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

Yes, In the end I did this to myself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

undecided said:


> Yes, In the end I did this to myself.


No she did it. All you did was give her the chance.

You've now got hard won life experience about women like her. Try to share it with other guys who are stuck in similar situations.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

undecided said:


> Yes, In the end I did this to myself.


Maybe it took a while to wake up to what she truly was. But you loved her and you were faithful. That is what a person with a true giving heart does. I'm sure you wish you could turn back the clock, but sooner or later you wised up. She trampled on your self-respect; now that you are out of her clutches, do yourself a favor and pat yourself on the back for standing up to her.

I think a lot of betrayed people feel like you do. I am reconciling with my husband but if for some reason things go south again, I know I won't even bother dating for a very long time.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

From what you've posted, you've never really been married, in the physical sense anyway. You never really lived together as man and wife, so you never really got to bond. Most of your relationship was based on internet and telephone conversations. Like others have said, you fell in love with what she was portraying herself to be. 

Just like online/telephone affairs, anyone can be Prince Charming or Miss Wonderful online and over the phone. My own fWW thought her OM was Prince Charming because all he had to do was play nice over the phone. 

Yes, you are going to have some trust issues. Hopefully you're in individual counselling. Try not to project your issues with your ex wife on to any new women that you're dating.


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

I'm definitely trying and I can tell you it has changed me and my perception on things. Now im more on the defensive and opt to trust but verify.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yes, you were too trusting, now it is trust but verify. It is hard when you are too busy or too far away to engage in relataionships with people in a normal fashion. 

Just know that you are a lot wiser to the ways of waywards and will be much better prepared to get a real wife and not a skank.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

I have no advice to offer above the sound advice that has already been offered here.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that this has happened to you but you are certainly not alone. 

You will get over this and have a happy life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do hope you got checked out for STD's. What a piece of work she was. I bet that she hooked up with another guy and is cheating on him. You have become one of the walking wounded. In time hopefully it will change. Good luck.


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

^^Yes...Amazing what you find out when you are no longer with that person through word of mouth.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

We who are in R hope that we do not end up in the situation you are in. It is discouraging. I have said that I am willing to give R a try and if it fails it would not be because of me. I think you can say you gave it a good try and it was not your fault. You bent over backwards.

She was a piece of work like bryanp said. Hope things work out for you.


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## undecided (Sep 5, 2009)

I bent over backwards and broke my back while at it. I feel much better now, the only thing that bothers me is how I was so naive.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

undecided said:


> I bent over backwards and broke my back while at it. I feel much better now, the only thing that bothers me is how I was so naive.


Don't feel so badly. I'm pretty sure we all missed that day in marriage school where they explained the soup to nuts of infidelity.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think everyone's threshold is different. Some can walk away right away. Some need to try over and over. 

What is important, is that you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could?

You should be proud of the effort that you put in to try to make your marriage work.


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