# Someone Help Before My Marriage is Destroyed!!



## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Where do I begin?? I have been married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids ages 9 and 12. I love my husband but,like many other marriages, the intimacy just fades away.

I have had numerous conversations with my husband about our intimacy and how we need to spice it up. It will be ok for a short while and then gradually we are back to square one.

We do all the lingerie,porn and sex toys stuff but, oftentimes I feel like he's in such a rush to get off that I am left neglected. He's 45 and when we first met he was the sex addict and we did it a lot more than we do now.

Now, at 45 his sex drive has diminished. What makes it hard is that he has to take Cialis for a few days for intimacy and it takes the spontaneity out of everything. I know that he is rushing through the sex because psychologically he is worried he'll lose it and then that leaves me unfulfilled.

I use to dislike porn but, now I find myself watching some live videos of a guy and girl and getting my fulfillment that way which sucks BIG TIME!!! I like the real thing.

When we first were together he always took things slow as a woman, not sure how others feel, I need A LOT of foreplay and I like to always wonder what's next. I need stimulation. We have some rough ups and downs in our marriage that's for sure.

As a Dad he is AWESOME with our girls, for that I cannot complain. It is just the intimacy part. Now, just last week he is back on the night shift from 10p-6am and we don't even sleep in the same bed.

He's in to videos games on the PC "Diablo" and he does take time out to ask me if I want to watch a movie but, usually I go up to my room to read my Nook and he goes on the computer. 

Now I am wondering if he is just not in to me anymore or if it's the lack of sex drive. I am on Zoloft for anxiety and Depression and I don't know if that has lessened my sex drive and I never had a high libido anyway.

I am tired of going back/forth with the same topic with my husband and that if we don't do something we are going to lose this marriage. I have told him that I have thought about meeting another guy and we cried and he was hurt and he worked on things but, here I am back to square one. 

BUT, I really need help NOW, just last week I went looking for married sites looking for other married men with same problem to meet and go from there. BEFORE, anyone freaks out on me, I deleted my profile and removed my picture. I felt awful about it and if I tell him what I did things are going to get ugly. SOME ONE PLEASE HELP!!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You should probably let your husband in on just how bad it has gotten.

Tell him everything.

He needs to know you are getting so screwed up that you have put your feet to the path of a cheater.

You didn't, good for you, but you need to communicate just how bad it is.

Husbands can be seriously clueless and your situation could probably be remedied with therapy and maybe some medical attention.

Less Diablo and more walks with each other. The games are filling a gap.

Be as straight forward and direct as you can.

Maybe even wait until kids are out of the picture and plop your goodies in his lap and face while he is playing.

Tell him to service your goods. You need a tune up.

It sounds like he could benefit from a healthier lifestyle and diet.

Some exercise and improved diet could eliminate any need for erection medication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Was it a site that showed lewed pictures? Did you send a nude picture of yourself?

That can definitely be considered a form of sexting.

How long was your profile up?

I am hoping no one noticed or wrote down your info or could recognize you in public if they saw you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I only had the profile up over the weekend and no nude pics.

I am afraid of saying anything but, I know I have to or I am going to be a basket case.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

He needs to get off the games and you need to get your head out of your nook. Sit him down and be brutally honest about your thoughts and feelings. You are going into territory that you won't be able to take back. 

Try spending quality time with your hubby. Cialis doesn't take the spontaneity about of sex like Viagra does. 

Please don't choose the road to cheating......your husband doesn't deserve that. Have you tried IC or MC?


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Tomara said:


> He needs to get off the games and you need to get your head out of your nook. Sit him down and be brutally honest about your thoughts and feelings. You are going into territory that you won't be able to take back.
> 
> Try spending quality time with your hubby. Cialis doesn't take the spontaneity about of sex like Viagra does.
> 
> Please don't choose the road to cheating......your husband doesn't deserve that. Have you tried IC or MC?


You are right he does not deserve that. I will be having a long conversation with him over the weekend and putting all the cards on the table. I have invested 15 years out of my life, not to mention I got two great girls and I will fight to the very end to make this work. Now, mind you I have had this conversation with him before only this is the first time I contemplated cheating.

We shall see how it goes and I will post an update. Thanks!


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

How long have you been on Zoloft? Is your seeking married men on websites out of character for you? 

You might want to be aware that SSRIs can cause lack of judgement and loss of ability to inhibit oneself, among other things that could damage a long-term relationship. They can cause you to feel stuck in a miserable existence, etc. 

Almost happened to my marriage because my husband was placed on an SSRI for anxiety. We didn't realize the jerk he was turning into was because of the med--I found that out while researching another problem it had caused. Anyway, he agreed to come off it (he's still withdrawing after 2 years--going REALLY slow so it doesn't cause problems), and when he was about 75% off it, he apologized for a lot of things he realized had been totally inappropriate; he couldn't see back then (when fully on the med) that what he was doing wasn't right. If you have any questions, check out the forums on survivingantidepressants dot com. Particularly the one for "relationships". My husband was on his med for 7 years without us knowing it was going to cause so much grief.....with the last year getting really bad (for us); it was a slow descent.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Tabitha said:


> How long have you been on Zoloft? Is your seeking married men on websites out of character for you?
> 
> You might want to be aware that SSRIs can cause lack of judgement and loss of ability to inhibit oneself, among other things that could damage a long-term relationship. They can cause you to feel stuck in a miserable existence, etc.
> 
> Almost happened to my marriage because my husband was placed on an SSRI for anxiety. We didn't realize the jerk he was turning into was because of the med--I found that out while researching another problem it had caused. Anyway, he agreed to come off it (he's still withdrawing after 2 years--going REALLY slow so it doesn't cause problems), and when he was about 75% off it, he apologized for a lot of things he realized had been totally inappropriate; he couldn't see back then (when fully on the med) that what he was doing wasn't right. If you have any questions, check out the forums on survivingantidepressants dot com. Particularly the one for "relationships". My husband was on his med for 7 years without us knowing it was going to cause so much grief.....with the last year getting really bad (for us); it was a slow descent.


Wow I have been on zoloft for 10 yrs this is the first impulsive thing i have done. Without my meds there would be no marriage i would not make it. 

We are going to talk it out and take it from there. Zoloft has been working great!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

I'm glad it's working for you, and you're probably just fine. I would hope that most people are. Just thought I'd throw that out there, though, because until I researched it, I had no idea the way SSRIs can change the way you think and feel. It can't selectively JUST get rid of your depression and/or anxiety; it can get rid of other feelings and thoughts as well, not always for the good. Sometimes the medicated person can't see it either. Hubby says that while on it, he thought he was perfectly fine and "justified". 

An increase in dose that last year accelerated some things, causing a bigger problem, which finally led me to researching for "why". I found this board during that time because it had also been causing relationship issues, and still I didn't know it was med related until he started going off the drug and his thinking got more clear.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Games have to go. There is no question about that.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Tabitha said:


> I'm glad it's working for you, and you're probably just fine. I would hope that most people are. Just thought I'd throw that out there, though, because until I researched it, I had no idea the way SSRIs can change the way you think and feel. It can't selectively JUST get rid of your depression and/or anxiety; it can get rid of other feelings and thoughts as well, not always for the good. Sometimes the medicated person can't see it either. Hubby says that while on it, he thought he was perfectly fine and "justified".
> 
> An increase in dose that last year accelerated some things, causing a bigger problem, which finally led me to researching for "why". I found this board during that time because it had also been causing relationship issues, and still I didn't know it was med related until he started going off the drug and his thinking got more clear.


Do you have any idea if Zoloft affects a persons sex drive. Not sure if you read anything about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Games have to go. There is no question about that.


Yeah we are going to have a serious conversation ovet the weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

capri7204 said:


> Yeah we are going to have a serious conversation ovet the weekend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The games took my away from my W. Sex was pretty much non-existent.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> The games took my away from my W. Sex was pretty much non-existent.


Sounds about right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Bugged said:


> I took zoloft for over 2 years.
> In my case
> zoloft=0 libido
> zoloft=0 orgasms.
> ...


Great you solve one problem and it causes another
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Capri First good luck with everything. And yes the meds can make it harder for you to reach a climax. Since i dont know your husband i can only guess but Some men have a sex pattern of moves and after so many years they tend to stop working and for some reason women tend to think of their husbands as the know it all about sex and most men dont have a clue beyond the basics. It would help if he would let you into his head about what hes thinking and what hes afraid of. For that communication and trust are important. To solve your problem you will probably end up being the one responsible to do the heavy lifting but it can work out great under the right circumstances. BTW never ever ever tell him about the website. It would destroy what self confidence he has left and the sex and marriage would get worse. Good luck


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Try citalopram, lowest dose.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If your husband can't keep his erection long enough for you, he can finish you off with his mouth, his fingers or toys. In fact using non penis methods of achieving orgasm can bring you to orgasm over and over and over again. I don't understand why men think their penis is all there is to sex!

Your problem isn't just sex. It is the absence of his desire for you and the lack of eroticism leading up to sex.

If he waits till he gets in bed to start making sexual moves he's about 8 hours too late. Same goes for you. Sex at night starts in the morning. You flirt with each other, pat each other's behinds, kiss each other's necks, whisper naughty things. This is not him grabbing a tit and saying "duh huh, great jugs, haw-yuck!" You do this (raise the eroticism and build arousal) for him, he does this for you, you do this for each other, your sex life improves.

He has ED and so he is avoiding sex because he is embarrassed about his penis not working so well. And that's just beyond dumb because his penis actually plays a very small role when it comes to sex. If the time it takes to have sex is largely made up of intercourse...you're doing it wrong.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I hope that once we focus on whats making him in such a rush and really work on things there shpuld be improvement. Now i was put on zoloft for depression and anxiety so i can see how i need more foreplay and ill discuss that too. 

As for not telling him about website if we are going to get past this i need to be honest and he needs to see how bad it has gotten being as this isn't the first time we talked about him slowing things down



Blaine said:


> Hi Capri First good luck with everything. And yes the meds can make it harder for you to reach a climax. Since i dont know your husband i can only guess but Some men have a sex pattern of moves and after so many years they tend to stop working and for some reason women tend to think of their husbands as the know it all about sex and most men dont have a clue beyond the basics. It would help if he would let you into his head about what hes thinking and what hes afraid of. For that communication and trust are important. To solve your problem you will probably end up being the one responsible to do the heavy lifting but it can work out great under the right circumstances. BTW never ever ever tell him about the website. It would destroy what self confidence he has left and the sex and marriage would get worse. Good luck


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Try citalopram, lowest dose.


I have both depression and anxiety not sure if citalopram will treat both


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> Try citalopram, lowest dose.


That is generic for Celexa. I have tried different SSRIs off and on throughout my adult life and I really like this one the best. I'm not sure about the anxiety but I sure feel better and there have been zero sexual side effects. I'm actually feeling more sexual because my mood is better all around. The side effects weren't so much fun but after about 6 weeks, they are now gone.

Edited because my finger was too fast on the send button :/


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> If your husband can't keep his erection long enough for you, he can finish you off with his mouth, his fingers or toys. In fact using non penis methods of achieving orgasm can bring you to orgasm over and over and over again. I don't understand why men think their penis is all there is to sex!
> 
> Your problem isn't just sex. It is the absence of his desire for you and the lack of eroticism leading up to sex.
> 
> ...


I love this Anon. I have tried my best to explain the same to my H, but he just hasn't gotten it as of yet. I was thinking of suggesting a session where I am the only focus and he is not allowed to penetrate me even if he can. I'm thinking it might get him past the mental barrier because I feel strongly that in his case, as in the OPs case, that it is more mental than anything else.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I liked what Anon Pink wrote. That is really great advice. You also, got great advice about meds. So together I think you have a great starting place.

You might have to retrain your husband on how to approach/become sexual. You might have to carry most of the weight for now. Little by little he would become more aware and start enjoying the foreplay again.

Start with little touches, pats, kisses and sexy nips. Make passes at him. Seduce all day and into the evening. If he is in a rush to finish ask him to finish you off first. Get some toys, introduce them during sex. Your man does not have to be in you for you to have an O.

Also, self pleasure when you are together. Before you know he's all hot again. Take your time, dont stress too much. Get your self some pretties for you and enjoy them.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

capri7204 said:


> I have both depression and anxiety not sure if citalopram will treat both


It will.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

It sounds like you have gotten lots of good info from the group. You may have to get to a point where you have to "hit him between the eyes with a 2x4" You may have to ask him a serious question such as "Do you want a divorce?" or "Do you still love me?" and see if that gets him to open up to you. I admire you for wanting to be completely honest with him and you are right but please be careful not all men can take that information and appreciate that you took it down. It is also true that sex starts in the mind. The physical is the follow through. Again good luck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I love this Anon. I have tried my best to explain the same to my H, but he just hasn't gotten it as of yet. I was thinking of suggesting a session where I am the only focus and he is not allowed to penetrate me even if he can. I'm thinking it might get him past the mental barrier because I feel strongly that in his case, as in the OPs case, that it is more mental than anything else.


That sounds like a very good idea!


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> It will.


I will consult my doctor about changing my meds.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> I liked what Anon Pink wrote. That is really great advice. You also, got great advice about meds. So together I think you have a great starting place.
> 
> You might have to retrain your husband on how to approach/become sexual. You might have to carry most of the weight for now. Little by little he would become more aware and start enjoying the foreplay again.
> 
> ...


Yes I am getting some great advice from everyone and it is very much appreciated!!!


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I love this Anon. I have tried my best to explain the same to my H, but he just hasn't gotten it as of yet. I was thinking of suggesting a session where I am the only focus and he is not allowed to penetrate me even if he can. I'm thinking it might get him past the mental barrier because I feel strongly that in his case, as in the OPs case, that it is more mental than anything else.


This sounds like a good plan I shall try it if we survive the long chat we are having on Sat


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

capri7204 said:


> Do you have any idea if Zoloft affects a persons sex drive. Not sure if you read anything about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's a common side-effect with many SSRIs. Hubby's went from low to no, coupled with "dysfunction" when we did try. As he went way down on his dose, the dysfunction part went away, but he's no where near pre-med days with his libido. Being in mid-50s might have something to do with it, too, though. 

It was a weird thing, too. The "no" libido was probably only with me, and just "low" otherwise because when on the med AND drinking, he became disinhibited and would "talk" like he could and would do anything, when the body parts still probably wouldn't have. Mind-altering meds are powerful and scary (to me, after observing him on them full-strength for 7+ years). He was a totally different being on the meds. He can only see it in hindsight, now that he's way down on the med.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

So who's the HD and the LD partner here? 





capri7204 said:


> Where do I begin?? I have been married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids ages 9 and 12. I love my husband but,like many other marriages, the intimacy just fades away.
> 
> I have had numerous conversations with my husband about our intimacy and how we need to spice it up. It will be ok for a short while and then gradually we are back to square one.
> 
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't say anything about the profile or he will probably leave. He's probably going to be very sensitive about his problem. Help him with it. The more you are willing to help each other with this the faster you will recover.

Or hmmm....maybe this is just another one of my asinine posts


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How did your conversation go with your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Well he use to be HD & I was always the LD with his ED it makes it kind of hard to really say. 


QUOTE=brownmale;13246969]So who's the HD and the LD partner here? 





capri7204 said:


> Where do I begin?? I have been married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids ages 9 and 12. I love my husband but,like many other marriages, the intimacy just fades away.
> 
> I have had numerous conversations with my husband about our intimacy and how we need to spice it up. It will be ok for a short while and then gradually we are back to square one.
> 
> ...


[/QUOTE]


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> How did your conversation go with your husband?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/
> 
> Well at first he was VERY angry and let's just say the F-bomb was heard alot. Once he calmed down we had a good talk, we cleared alot of issues.
> ...


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Don't say anything about the profile or he will probably leave. He's probably going to be very sensitive about his problem. Help him with it. The more you are willing to help each other with this the faster you will recover.
> 
> Or hmmm....maybe this is just another one of my asinine posts


As u can see I did tell him and boy I heard the F bomb quite a bit but, we're going in the right direction!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Sounds really good. You two are headed in the right direction. You see, he needs a little nugg every now and then. Enjoy.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> Sounds really good. You two are headed in the right direction. You see, he needs a little nugg every now and then. Enjoy.


Yeah he needed a real BIG push to see what he could stand to lose. Mind you I had numerous conversations with him about the lack of intimacy I guess he didn't think it was so bad!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Doing great Capri! Keep up the good work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlmostDone821 (Jun 8, 2015)

Take him to a Low T center and have his testosterone checked. After 40 some men drop down and may need supplement. He's probably rushing because he's embarrassed and self conscious because he knows he has issues. If it is low they can do injections or he can try to change it through his diet.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I will discuss this with him. Thanks for the input, much appreciated!!!!


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## Catfish1986 (Oct 26, 2013)

What's his Testosterone Level? He sounds like he has Low-T. Cialis only helps the physical part. T controls the Passion and Desire. T also has a big effect on Mood and Behavior. Big difference.

Get him tested for Low-T ASAP.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Have you tried some new positions, something different from the usual, or a new place to make love in?

I found missionary very tiring, but when my partner realised she too loved doggie, it made me very charged in bed... 



capri7204 said:


> Well he use to be HD & I was always the LD with his ED it makes it kind of hard to really say.
> QUOTE=brownmale;13246969]So who's the HD and the LD partner here?


[/QUOTE]


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

brownmale said:


> Have you tried some new positions, something different from the usual, or a new place to make love in?
> 
> I found missionary very tiring, but when my partner realised she too loved doggie, it made me very charged in bed...


[/QUOTE]
We've tried a lot of positions got some new toys to kick it up a notch
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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