# Gaslighting, does your spouse do it, and do you know why?



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Just as the title states, does your spouse gaslight you. Do you know the reason why they do it? Is it intentional or a reactionary mechanism?

It's really taken me years to figure out what's been going on. My wife will gaslight the hell out of me. It's strictly limited to arguments and disagreements, but it drives me absolutely bonkers. I have threatened to start carrying a VAR around with me it has gotten so bad at times. If you have to keep a VAR on you at all times, then what's the point? 

Fights have gotten few over the years, but there again, I'm so conflict avoidant with her that I stifle my comments unless they are good ones. I'm pretty big on keeping the peace. Sometimes stuff just gets out of hand and I let it all go at once. I am truly and absolutely not an angel. In fact, I would say I'm the bad guy 99% of the time. I just don't want anyone to get the impression that she's only at fault. Way to much there to unpack, just wanted to get others thoughts on gaslighting.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

I think my wife gaslights me because she's guilty over ways she's behaved in the past and in her mind if I accept her gaslighting version of events she doesn't have to be accountable fully for her actions, just the actions she's telling me that are a fraction of the severity.

First example is she spent a year with new divorced friends and was out drinking at bars, or they were over my house drinking literally every night. I explained it was an abandonment of our marriage. She says something to the extent of "they were here once or twice all summer, I went out with them maybe 1-2 times a month, you're crazy, you just don't want me to have friends".

2nd example is an affair she had early on in our marriage. She was texting this guy nonstop, dozens of times a day thousands of times a month. If they weren't texting they were on the phone, or at work together. Obviously very emotionally involved. But when I ask her she just says "it wasn't about sex or emotions, I just wanted to escape, I felt too young to be married".

In both examples she's reduced an intense EA and PA into just the follies of youth, and a year of basically living like a single woman into a controlling husband who doesn't let her go out.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wind walker,
Due to the fact that I am a heterosexual male, it is categorically impossible that my spouse has gaslighted me, or in fact abused me in any way. Any event that may have happened that made me feel confused, abused or hurt, bleading, or wounded was entirely my fault and likely actually me abusing her, because if abuse is happening it can only be perpetrated by a male. At least that is what I was told when I contacted the help line.

Good Luck


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I think my wife gaslights me because she's guilty over ways she's behaved in the past and in her mind if I accept her gaslighting version of events she doesn't have to be accountable fully for her actions, just the actions she's telling me that are a fraction of the severity.
> 
> First example is she spent a year with new divorced friends and was out drinking at bars, or they were over my house drinking literally every night. I explained it was an abandonment of our marriage. She says something to the extent of "they were here once or twice all summer, I went out with them maybe 1-2 times a month, you're crazy, you just don't want me to have friends".
> 
> ...


Why is she not your ex wife?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i think people gas light because society as a whole is simply incapable of accepting any responsibility for their actions.

even when they are 100% dead in the wrong.......the excuses and gas lighting are just the tools used to continue their behavior and not recognize the damage they are doing. after all its YOUR fault.....


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Why is she not your ex wife?


Why do any men put up with poor treatment from their wives? Finances and children.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Wind walker,
> Due to the fact that I am a heterosexual male, it is categorically impossible that my spouse has gaslighted me, or in fact abused me in any way. Any event that may have happened that made me feel confused, abused or hurt, bleading, or wounded was entirely my fault and likely actually me abusing her, because if abuse is happening it can only be perpetrated by a male. At least that is what I was told when I contacted the help line.
> 
> Good Luck


I'm sorry. That's messed up **** there. I wish you luck in getting through your situation.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> Wind walker,
> Due to the fact that I am a heterosexual male, it is categorically impossible that my spouse has gaslighted me, or in fact abused me in any way. Any event that may have happened that made me feel confused, abused or hurt, bleading, or wounded was entirely my fault and likely actually me abusing her, because if abuse is happening it can only be perpetrated by a male. At least that is what I was told when I contacted the help line.
> 
> Good Luck


They are out to lunch and did a disservice to you. That naive and/or sorrowfully misinformed/biased person should be given the heave-ho.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Just as the title states, does your spouse gaslight you. Do you know the reason why they do it? Is it intentional or a reactionary mechanism?
> 
> It's really taken me years to figure out what's been going on. My wife will gaslight the hell out of me. It's strictly limited to arguments and disagreements, but it drives me absolutely bonkers. I have threatened to start carrying a VAR around with me it has gotten so bad at times. If you have to keep a VAR on you at all times, then what's the point?
> 
> Fights have gotten few over the years, but there again, I'm so conflict avoidant with her that I stifle my comments unless they are good ones. I'm pretty big on keeping the peace. Sometimes stuff just gets out of hand and I let it all go at once. I am truly and absolutely not an angel. In fact, I would say I'm the bad guy 99% of the time. I just don't want anyone to get the impression that she's only at fault. Way to much there to unpack, just wanted to get others thoughts on gaslighting.


*Gaslighting, does your spouse do it * Why yes, yes he does.

My husband has for years been moving, throwing out, rearranging my stuff. He'll put away tools I am using while I am using them. I can go inside for a glass of water and come back and start looking around for my tools to finish my project. I'm ruined now because after so many years I spin my wheels looking for stuff that i don't know if I honestly misplaced or that he deliberately moved, discarded or otherwise decided for me that I didn't need and/or his idea of where to put it is better than where I would put it so he'll move the item to the more suitable spot but fail to tell me he did so and then he'll deny having done it. Are you following this ?????/!!!!!!! ....cause I sure as hell am getting confused. I'll specifically ask him not to touch something or interfere with something and I can pretty much guarantee he'll do the opposite of what I ask and then he'll deny it or if it's too obvious to deny he'll blame me for being too sensitive or give me a better reason why it was ok he did what he did. For example, after interfering and micromanaging me for years and my projects I told him to stop or our marriage will be over. I do not interfere with him or his independent projects as it his right to do these without me hovering around and interfering as he does with me. So I am sanding a table in the garage preparing to paint it and I used some plastic wood to fill a chip and was waiting for it to dry so I could sand it and repaint. I come into the garage to find out that he had painted it when I specifically asked him not to. He justified that he was just trying to help and he had leftover paint on his brush the same color I was going to use so what was the big deal? 

*And do you know why?* Well no, no I do not. But I'll take some guesses....

power and control
passive aggressive
oppositional and defiant for no apparent reason
they think they know better and have more rights than you
they think they are superior and you are lesser than
they think that they are right and you just need to see the light and everything will be alright
they tell themselves they are just trying to help though they know they are not helping
they can't be wrong so you are
they are antagonistic morons who thrive on creating chaos while vehemently denying they are doing so

Well, the last one is the one I think is the most likely.

We're separated now because he is an overbearing bully who blames me for his behavior but I digress.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My post here was given as a warning. My research says that men are much more likely to be believed by a doctor than by police or abuse help lines. At the time I was feeling very confused kind of like a mini version of what @Masodipstick is describing. In my case I was questioning my memory because Mrs. Nail was editing out anything that didn't fit her current mood. I came across some gas lighting information and it made sense to me. But I was so confused and doubting my own thinking that I wanted some one to double check my thinking with me. I reached out to an online abuse hotline because it was anonymous. Instead of listening to what I was typing, the worker leaped to the conclusion that I was commuting marital rape. I was directed to some articles on consent and dismissed. 

Emotional abuse is so hard to prove, and the victim is so often like Masodipstick and I, confused and unsure, it is easy for an outsider to dismiss the complaint. Not to downplay Masodipstick's experience in any way, but when a man like myself or the original poster goes in with a claim of gas lighting, to an agency that is used to protecting women from abusive men, you are not going to be believed. There is no physical injury to show to a doctor, so you are on your own with this one.

Masodipstck has done a very nice job of answering the why question. In my case I'm going with power and control, or ego protection. What she is (still) doing is covering up some of her pretty crappy behaviors.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Masodipstick said:


> *Gaslighting, does your spouse do it * Why yes, yes he does.
> 
> My husband has for years been moving, throwing out, rearranging my stuff. He'll put away tools I am using while I am using them. I can go inside for a glass of water and come back and start looking around for my tools to finish my project. I'm ruined now because after so many years I spin my wheels looking for stuff that i don't know if I honestly misplaced or that he deliberately moved, discarded or otherwise decided for me that I didn't need and/or his idea of where to put it is better than where I would put it so he'll move the item to the more suitable spot but fail to tell me he did so and then he'll deny having done it. Are you following this ?????/!!!!!!! ...


Things have gotten so bad for me with stuff like this that I have to lock up my coffee thermos, watch, phone, all my tools, car keys. All my ski stuff, hiking stuff is locked up. I have a separate hamper I keep in the attic for my clothes or they all disappear, t-shirts, underwear, socks, even pants. If I don't lock it out of the way, anything I care about just "disappears". I felt like I was going crazy but between my son and wife, I could literally have nothing. If I complained that my stuff was taken I always get from my wife "you just leave your **** everywhere then blame us" which isn't true at all, I leave it out if I'm in the middle of working on a project. I've also caught my son red-handed dozens of times taking my stuff and losing it so I know I'm not imagining it. All I wanted to do was hold him accountable for it. I found my hammer in his dresser under clothes, I find my screwdrivers in the junk drawer, the oddest stuff.

I don't think my son gaslights me in this way, he's just young, lazy, and inconsiderate. But my wife definitely does, and if my son takes my things and loses it she calls me crazy for "accusing" him. But she always will take something of mine, my wallet and put it on the buffet for no good reason, then not know where it is when I'm looking for it. When I find it on the buffet she doesn't know a thing about it. But I always know when doors are locked, windows locked, where my stuff was put down, and I would never put it down on the buffet.

This all probably sounds insane to anyone who hasn't dealt with this for years lol...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

My favorite is when I'm told that I said something that I didn't say or when I'm told that what I said meant something other than what I meant. Or when what I say gets repeated out of context and used against me or someone else. Once I'm out of this marraige I swear if I ever hear the words "I thought you said...." (said accusingly) from another man I'll go freakin nuclear. 


Another favorite is when we're in the car together driving in unfamiliar places and he's navigating while I drive, makes me want to put a bullet through my brain. He'll tell me to skip the next exit on the highway because the one after will be better so I drive past the first one. But then he gets to feeling unsure of his decision and gets angry, really angry. Then he thinks the third exit might be best. This then leads to him cussing Siri out because she's a piece of **** and doesn't work right and he then literally gives up and tells me I should have gotten off at the first exit! It's my fault! He then complains the rest of the way and insinuates that if I had just known what the **** I was doing none of it would have happened in the first place. Pass the bullets please.

He does stuff and claims he didn't do it too. I used to think it was the kids when they were little. For the longest time I didn't realize that he was accusing others of doing things, like misplacing something of his, because hiding something that belongs to someone else is what he would do so it must be someone doing the same to him in his mind. He also thought badly of the kids because of how he was when he was young. He tried telling me one day that our son is horribly disrespectfu to me...nope, that would be you to your mother N2.

Masodipsticks list of reasons are all very good but I'd like to add a few things. Disordered thinking, fear and feelings of worthlessness. The crazy isn't always done out of malice even though the behavior can be malicious. When you feel like you are nothing and worth nothing you'll do anything and everything it takes to convince others otherwise.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

I am completely new to the concept of gaslighting. I find that my wife will at times ask me questions that seem to have only one correct answer even though my honest belief is at odd with that. You wouldn't mind if ... would you?" with a tone of voice that is sort of leading in her favored direction. Is that a form of gaslighting? There are definitely times I feel manipulated or having few options. I'm reading a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. I need a group of men or a male counselor to help me with this. I have never had a positive role model in my life.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

I think gaslighting is also often the result of projection. They accuse you of things they want to say, have done, or want to do so often that you being to wonder if you didn't actually say or do it. Most times, I think they really are convinced what they believe is true.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've been thinking about a little niggling things that my husband says that are controling / intimidating / whatever

1. I was filing a complaint with a company that required some back and forth. I wanted to careful and measured in my response. My husband would say "If you don't respond to that e-mail within 15 minutes of receiving then what you have to say is worthless." I remind him of his saying that. He says he is sorry.

2. In September I was up and down over my cancer. The old medicine wasn't working and the oncologist was trying to find something new that would work. My husband wanted me to get up and walk around and whatever. I told him that probably some bed rest and lots of water in addition to the medicine would better.

He then surmised whether I picked up some bacteria at the hospital when I got a biopsy. 

Any little remark about an ache or pain elicits either "you ought to call the doctor." or on the weekends "let's go the ER." 

3. Once in a moment of stress in which a unknown woman at the airport was acting creepy, walking too close to me and trying to ask me questions, I made a private remark to my (future) husband that I could see from her passport (she was ahead of me in the check in line) that she was from Romania so that could mean....... This was a private remark that I made to him. Not only did he call me "racist" immediately. He called me a couple of times over several months.

In finally saw a text exchange with his so called friend (who is white) who texted him one evening, claiming to be at a music venue (in a relatively safe neighborhood in London on around 9pm on a thursday) "I'm too white to be here."

My husband told me that he did not see that remark as racist. I told him that I did and that I would email her to let her know. He finally withdrew the "racist" against me. But as you can see, there is somethng raw about this situation....

Would all these be classified as gas lighting.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

As with everything else, there's a spectrum, we're all guilty of lying, gas lighting at some point, manipulating, passive aggressiveness, and being cruel. It's only when it's all the time or extremely excessive that you may be dealing with a personality disorder or serious mental health issue.

My wife gas lights me all the time, even claims during our years long separation we weren't really separated, and together all the time. I don't know where she comes up with this stuff, we were separated for years and seeing other people, the only time we spoke was about our son, she remembers differently.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Why is she not your ex wife?


Mine is!

I didn't realize it when we were married, but I got gaslighted A LOT!. She would spring some surprise thing she had to do that day and when I asked why she hadn't told me, I was told we DID talk about, I just didn't remember. I swear I thought I was going nuts. I have a pretty good memory and can recall most anything that is important to me. So I couldn't believe that I had just forgotten something like her being gone all day. She even played the gas lighting game as she made her exit. When I asked her why she was leaving, she told me "we had talked about until we were blue in the face and there is no reason to keep discussing it!"

Looking back, I realize that she probably did have long and deep discussions about whatever, but they were with her "besties" and never with me. Oh well, not my problem anymore. It is nice to have my sanity back.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Masodipstick said:


> *Gaslighting, does your spouse do it * Why yes, yes he does.
> 
> My husband has for years been moving, throwing out, rearranging my stuff. He'll put away tools I am using while I am using them. I can go inside for a glass of water and come back and start looking around for my tools to finish my project. I'm ruined now because after so many years I spin my wheels looking for stuff that i don't know if I honestly misplaced or that he deliberately moved, discarded or otherwise decided for me that I didn't need and/or his idea of where to put it is better than where I would put it so he'll move the item to the more suitable spot but fail to tell me he did so and then he'll deny having done it. Are you following this ?????/!!!!!!! ....cause I sure as hell am getting confused. I'll specifically ask him not to touch something or interfere with something and I can pretty much guarantee he'll do the opposite of what I ask and then he'll deny it or if it's too obvious to deny he'll blame me for being too sensitive or give me a better reason why it was ok he did what he did. For example, after interfering and micromanaging me for years and my projects I told him to stop or our marriage will be over. I do not interfere with him or his independent projects as it his right to do these without me hovering around and interfering as he does with me. So I am sanding a table in the garage preparing to paint it and I used some plastic wood to fill a chip and was waiting for it to dry so I could sand it and repaint. I come into the garage to find out that he had painted it when I specifically asked him not to. He justified that he was just trying to help and he had leftover paint on his brush the same color I was going to use so what was the big deal?
> 
> ...


I can remember at least 2 occassions when I worked in an offfice (different ones) that important documents that were on my desk went missing.

When I finally profusely and unequivocally apologise for my negligence, those documents would magically reappear. 

If I ever have to work in an office again, I'm locking up everything I can.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> My post here was given as a warning. My research says that men are much more likely to be believed by a doctor than by police or abuse help lines. At the time I was feeling very confused kind of like a mini version of what @Masodipstick is describing. In my case I was questioning my memory because Mrs. Nail was editing out anything that didn't fit her current mood. I came across some gas lighting information and it made sense to me. But I was so confused and doubting my own thinking that I wanted some one to double check my thinking with me. * I reached out to an online abuse hotline because it was anonymous. Instead of listening to what I was typing, the worker leaped to the conclusion that I was commuting marital rape. I was directed to some articles on consent and dismissed*.


 Again, this is very wrong.


> Emotional abuse is so hard to prove, and the victim is so often like Masodipstick and I, confused and unsure, it is easy for an outsider to dismiss the complaint.


Mr. Nail, you should not have to prove to any agency that you reach out to that you are being gaslighted. As you mentioned above, you were seeking information on gaslighting, and validation that you weren't actually confused but were being "gaslighted." 


> Not to downplay Masodipstick's experience in any way, but when a man like myself or the original poster goes in with a claim of gas lighting, to an agency that is used to protecting women from abusive men, you are not going to be believed.


I hope you know that there are agencies out there that do understand, accept and support men who are being abused. Gaslighting is abuse. The organisation you contacted erred. Some agencies cater to abused women as there seem to be so many women who are abused. But that in no way suggest that men are not manipulated, gaslighted and abused and they are just as susceptible to the brainwashing and confusion as women are and they are just as entitled and I think should be encouraged to seek support, education and understanding.



> There is no physical injury to show to a doctor, so you are on your own with this one.


 True, but you are not in court so you need not prove anything. I hope you try again Mr. Nails to seek clarification and support. Try googling " domestic violence support for men" or "men who are targets of personality disordered women, narcissists, gaslighting " etc. I don't know if I can post links here but I know of some sites geared to assisting men who are enduring manipulation so you may message me if you like. Or if I can post a link then perhaps someone can let me know.Maybe others here have suggestions as well. Findmuckery is findmuckery regardless of the gender of the target.



> In my case I'm going with power and control, or ego protection. What she is (still) doing is covering up some of her pretty crappy behaviors


I agree. They engage in gaslighting I think to make you doubt yourself to get themselves off the hook. Also, in my experience they engage in these behaviors behind closed doors so we have no one else to see these behaviors and validate to us that it occurred. This is what they want, which is to make us doubt ourselves so they have power, control and have us doubting ourselves. Pisses me off just to think of it! Trust your instincts and if it doesn't seem right and you are doubting yourself then it's manipulation and reach out to get validation that you are not crazy or confused.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I think my wife gaslights me because she's guilty over ways she's behaved in the past and in her mind if I accept her gaslighting version of events she doesn't have to be accountable fully for her actions, just the actions she's telling me that are a fraction of the severity.
> 
> First example is she spent a year with new divorced friends and was out drinking at bars, or they were over my house drinking literally every night. I explained it was an abandonment of our marriage. She says something to the extent of "they were here once or twice all summer, I went out with them maybe 1-2 times a month, you're crazy, you just don't want me to have friends".
> 
> ...



to me what you just played out is the definition of insanity....she has an affair early in your marriage then later in the marriage to proceed and actions dishonest and appropriate and you think she has bend her ways...honestly had you filed when she had her first affair you would have been so much happier finding someone else who you could trust. she gaslights because you have teeth.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Things have gotten so bad for me with stuff like this that I have to lock up my coffee thermos, watch, phone, all my tools, car keys. All my ski stuff, hiking stuff is locked up. I have a separate hamper I keep in the attic for my clothes or they all disappear, t-shirts, underwear, socks, even pants. If I don't lock it out of the way, anything I care about just "disappears". I felt like I was going crazy but between my son and wife, I could literally have nothing. If I complained that my stuff was taken I always get from my wife "you just leave your **** everywhere then blame us" which isn't true at all, I leave it out if I'm in the middle of working on a project. I've also caught my son red-handed dozens of times taking my stuff and losing it so I know I'm not imagining it. All I wanted to do was hold him accountable for it. I found my hammer in his dresser under clothes, I find my screwdrivers in the junk drawer, the oddest stuff.
> 
> I don't think my son gaslights me in this way, he's just young, lazy, and inconsiderate. But my wife definitely does, and if my son takes my things and loses it she calls me crazy for "accusing" him. But she always will take something of mine, my wallet and put it on the buffet for no good reason, then not know where it is when I'm looking for it. When I find it on the buffet she doesn't know a thing about it. But I always know when doors are locked, windows locked, where my stuff was put down, and I would never put it down on the buffet.
> 
> This all probably sounds insane to anyone who hasn't dealt with this for years lol...


I agree that what you describe is crazymaking and outrageous. Having to hide or lock your own stuff up so it doesn't go missing????!!!!!! Ludicrous but creative and if it works for you then that's all that matters.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I️ get this sometimes. How do you deal with it when the person just will not realize they are wrong? Do you think they know what they are doing?


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

482 said:


> I️ get this sometimes. How do you deal with it when the person just will not realize they are wrong? Do you think they know what they are doing?


Well, you don't give an example, however, I think that if the person only does this with you but not with others then I think they do know they are doing it and that they are doing it on purpose. Do they not realize they are wrong or will they just not admit that what they are doing is wrong? My H knows what he is doing (gaslighting) is wrong, (ie. not acceptable to me)but he just doesn't care.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Windwalker said:


> Just as the title states, does your spouse gaslight you. Do you know the reason why they do it? Is it intentional or a reactionary mechanism?
> 
> It's really taken me years to figure out what's been going on. My wife will gaslight the hell out of me. It's strictly limited to arguments and disagreements, but it drives me absolutely bonkers. I have threatened to start carrying a VAR around with me it has gotten so bad at times. If you have to keep a VAR on you at all times, then what's the point?
> 
> Fights have gotten few over the years, but there again, I'm so conflict avoidant with her that I stifle my comments unless they are good ones. I'm pretty big on keeping the peace. Sometimes stuff just gets out of hand and I let it all go at once. I am truly and absolutely not an angel. In fact, I would say I'm the bad guy 99% of the time. I just don't want anyone to get the impression that she's only at fault. Way to much there to unpack, just wanted to get others thoughts on gaslighting.


It's intentional. there own insecurities. Get out while the gettings good. You will get sick, get depressed, it will kill you by bringing on illnesses that may not appear until your 80's. They don't change. You will keep sucking it up and hoping things will change. hope this helps.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

The gaslighting in my marriage is usually my husband denying something he said or did which elicited a negative reaction from me.

When I call him on what he said or did, he will deny it, then accuse me of making things up, making assumptions, imaging it, twisting his words around, etc.

Until he committed adultery (which caused me to earn an honorary PhD from the School of Hard Knocks based on my research on adultery and all its related destruction, causes, and healing from it, etc.) I used to believe him when he gaslit me. Now I don't allow myself to fall for his attacks which are merely an attempt to hide his own guilt.

I think he does it out of fear and weakness. He perceives he will be destroyed, belittled, less than perfect, a bad person, etc., if he admits fault.

He will sometimes vaguely admit fault days or months after the fact, but rarely. He will normally just be really nice and pretend it never happened.

I find the lengths he will go through to avoid admitting a bad behavior or apologizing rather pitiful. I have told him that gaslighting doesn't earn my trust or respect.

I've begun a new thing myself. When I realize I was wrong about something, I tell him "I was wrong when I ______." "You were right about _________." "I apologize for ________." I'm trying to set a good example for our children about honesty, integrity, and that there is nothing to fear about admitting fault. No one is perfect.

One example is that he wanted to buy new tires for our new (used) car. The ones it came with looked fine to me, except one was a mismatch, which I didn't care about. I had no interest in spending more money for vanity reasons. He bought tires anyway, and when the guy was putting them on the rims, he found that the tread on all of them was almost to the point of needing replacement or already there.

When I saw the tires and heard what the mechanic said, I thanked my husband for the tires, and told him how nice they looked. 

Later on I realized that I hadn't admitted I had been wrong about my assessment of the old tires, so came back in and told him he was right and I was wrong about them.

From now on I am going to make a point of fully admitting my fault. Hopefully he will begin to feel safe about admitting a mistake too.

My experience is that full apologies are healing, and bring people together.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@Araucaria - your post is terrific. It's full of good wisdom, and I believe your example will "work". My sincere congratulaions.......


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Gaslighting is actually a form of emotional/verbal abuse. If it's happening all the time, you're in an abusive relationship. I think it's sad that some of you feel this is as good as it gets, or this is the best you can do, or you're so afraid of a divorce, than abuse every day, for the rest of your life, is better than exploring other paths. It just saddens me also that men aren't taken as seriously when they are abused by women, as women are taken when they're abused by men.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Why do any men put up with poor treatment from their wives? Finances and children.


it does not mean you still put up with her gas lightning...those are times when i would tell her thank you for that explanation i will use it when i start cheating on you


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