# I Filed and wife is confusing me



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I have been a long time member and got on here when I discovered my wife's Emotional Affair. That was almost 4 years ago. So much has changed and so much hasn't. My wife and I met at 19 when she had two kids from a previous relationship. Over the years I helped her recover from the emotional scars of her physical abuse, raised the step kids, provided for the home, and have been a good father to our two kids. This is not me trying to brag on myself or put myself on a pedestal. I have worked hard and while raising kids and working I also put myself through college. The stress of those years made me ignore alot of my wife's behavior.
There is nothing like waking up and always having a zero bank balance for years and not understanding why. However the truth came to light at the beginning of 2014. My wife had been blowing through money while I was trying to provide she was going behind my back and buying stuff for the kids. Every time I got a raise she found a way to work less. I mean I was in my twenties and took on a ready made 4 person household and made it work. We added our own two kids to the mix and the stress and struggles we faced at the time seemed normal. When I looked through our account and brought up stuff over the years my wife had an explanation and I trusted her implicitly. 

I woke up in 2011 when I for the first time randomly got on my wife's facebook account and found an inappropriate conversation she was having with another man. Followed shortly thereafter by a Emotional Affair love triangle that I discovered and ceased in 2012. The end of 2012 was when I realized things were not right. In 2013 my wife went from full time to part time so be at home with the kids. By 2013 my daughter was born and my family was 6 people strong. I also realized that despite us making more money we were still broke and at the end of 2013 I started the process of wrestling the bills away from my wife. It was an ugly time I found out that despite having only two active accounts my wife had for years maintained cell phone 6 lines so she could get the lastest Iphone's over the years, tanning bed memberships, uneccesary clothes for the kids, horse riding lessons that she lied about, social media resale sites, you name it she was finding a way to spend money on it. The end of 2013 was also the second time I gave up on having a side business because as soon as she found out I made money it magically needed to be put in the family account to rescue us. I have had to borrow money from my family over the years because I thought we were just broke cause it cost so much to feed the kids. I mentioned earlier that I had to wrestle the bills and finances from her. that is no joke. Everyday it was an arguement. She would act out insult me infront of the kids, when my grand parent bought her a car she laid on the floor and cried because she had to sign a promissory note. Then when my grandmother and I ironed out the details she and it came time to pay her back the crying and the drama and her behavior were ridiculous. 

After the stress and hell by early 2014 I made a budget that would put money in savings, take care of all the kids needs, and after a few months we'd have some spending money. I was happy for once I thought my wife and I were finally on track to do more than just rent a home and live pay check to pay check. That happiness died after three months. the debit and checks she "turned" over to me because we were going to go cash only kept disappearing. She always had an excuse, always had a reason it was my fault, and since i was closely watching the bank balances I knew she was lying to me. The screwed up part was the stress this put me under. I'd try be nice and get my wife to sit down and talk about the bills and she would refuse or come up with an excuse. After nice I begged, yelled, pleased and cried trying to get her to sit down so we could work together because she was blowing the budget. I knew she was lying but any attempt to confront her about it turned into a situation where she would escalate the arguement in front of our kids, call me names, tell me my budgets were unrealistic, and I would would be forced to make the argument unproductive or just back away. After a few months of this I just stopped trying, my wife was manipulating me the whole time.

She would tell our friends about how stressed I was about the bills and after I stopped trying because there was no point she offered to take back over balancing the budget. I knew she was playing me and I knew how bad it was, and I knew what she did but I had no fight left. At the end of that year my wife had put us in an 800 dollar hole from what should have been a 1700 dollar surplus. She came clean about the hidden paypal account, Itunes purchases, came clean about stealing back the debit cards, and said she would turn over a new leaf but I had to borrow 800 dollars to pay rent or I would be out of a home. The frustration continued to this year with more lies more garbage of the same type as before and I by the Spring of this year I realized I didn't trust my wife at all. 

The last straw was when she went to the beach with her family. I told her I may be able to go and magically when I mentioned that i could go she had told her family to count me out already and they didn't have room for me. I know it seemed small but that is when I realized that I was being used and abused by my wife. My wife had hit me in the past, thrown stuff at me, but I let it go it was never regular but looking back on it now I should have seen it. I was her tool to get what she wanted and it did not matter if she risked us all being homeless she would do whatever she could to get what she wanted. I have watched her manipulate my family, her family, and just be fundamentally dishonest and behaving so entitled that it made me ill. 

I have gotten a lawyer and filed. My wife keeps saying the kids will be devastated and that it is all my fault. I am not going to be an every other weekend dad I am going for 182 days and covering insurance for the kids. I don't want my wife homeless and lost but I am so confused. After I told her I wanted a divorce she is now in IC and is doing all of the things I begged her to do. I just don't trust her. I wish I did not have to divorce her. I just see no hope. However I tested her to see where she was and I mentioned moving about and hour from our current home. Before I even had a chance to speak she was back to her old ways of just denying the possibility. My wife is dependent on her family and I am not. I guess I just need to know if anyone out there found a way to get their kids through a divorce. My wife is just giving me the doom and gloom and making me second guess all this. I'll take any advice I can get.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there any way you can add paragraphs to your post? The wall of text is hard to read.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Is there any way you can add paragraphs to your post? The wall of text is hard to read.


edited sorry it's been awhile.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To get your children through the divorce, you need to talk to them and spend a lot of time with them. Their mother might be negative. But if you open discussion with them and make it safe for them to be open with you, you till be able to give them your perspective. This is going to be hard on the children. But they will be find as long as they do not get caught as pawns between their parents.


If there is any at you can swing it, getting them some counseling might help as well.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

@EleGirl I do not think it is quite time yet. I still have two month and the wife got an lawyer and is just trying to drag it out. I do not want to tell the kids until after more is set in stone. I'll have the kids a therapist once I know the date I can move out and not hurt my divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Even now, if you can spend more time them, just you and them, doing things that they enjoy, you will start to build a stronger bond that you can use later to help them transition. Your influence on them will be very important as this huge change unfolds in their lives.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Change you know it is amazing how little or big that word can become. Thinking about the kids and how they will react to all this makes me feel ill. My wife is trying to change I guess. It is hard to tell what she is really doing. It all feels like manipulation to me. I just wish the clock on this would move forward and get this all out of the way.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

badbane said:


> My wife is trying to change *"I guess" *.


I realize you are typing but the fact you put that specific wording in, if you were saying it out loud shows you think the "change" is half hearted..even you don't quite believe it.

You know that this is another manipulation. She might even "believe" that she wants to change, because right now her base is about to crumble, suddenly she'll be alone to fend for herself, she wants to keep the status quo so she'll fight, but you know as soon as the dust settles she'll be back to her good old self again.

By the sounds of her character what I'd be careful of is her manipulating the kids against you. The reasons why you are divorcing will have little do to with her, she'll try to save face in their eyes. So be there for them and just be you, no other way.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't wait to tell your kids in gradual and age appropriate ways, like Elegirl suggested. 

It will be more of a shock to them to suddenly realize you are splitting without any forewarning. Kids know EVERYTHING, even if just a gut feeling, they know something is off. 

It's terrible what happened to you. But I hope that you have learned to not be afraid of your wife. You talk about all the times she had an answer to something, or avoided a subject, or hid bills. I look at the timetable and wonder why it took you so many extra years to be where you are now. I think you wanted to hope for the best, but were unwilling to do harsh things, to keep the peace. 

I would have called the bank, said cards were stolen, so they get canceled. 

I would have opened a new account and started depositing my paycheck there. 

Etc... Many hands-on things that show I will not permit this ruin any longer. 

This is your livelihood, your children's livelihood, not a game. If you don't take control of it, no one else will.

Lastly, I'm not trying to offend you, but if I were you, I'd DNA your youngest children. Your wife sounds much less than exemplary, and IMO its better to know where you stand and be clear headed than be ignorant at this moment.

All the best.


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