# My boyfriend wants me to act like a house wife even though we're not married. I need your thoughts.



## Nicole741 (Jan 17, 2021)

Hi. I hope my post is not too long, but I would like some advice. I'm a 33 year old female and I'm divorced. I don't have any kids. Now I'm in another relationship after my divorce with a man in his late 40s. He moved in with me about a year ago and I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I live with someone I'm not married to. 

Him and I both work full time jobs and we split the house bills and rent 50/50. Since the beginning my boyfriend has helped me a lot to clean the house. He's a very tidy and clean man and he takes initiative to clean the house. So he cleans because he has told me that he likes doing it.
I, on the other hand, cook breakfast and dinner every day so I do all the cooking in the house. As far as laundry, we each do our own. The thing is that suddenly he started complaining that he feels like he's the woman of the house because he's the only one that cleans all the time and that he feels humiliated doing his own laundry when usually women wash their man's clothes. I have offered him help a couple of times with cleaning, but he has told me "It's okay, I got this. Just relax". And now he's making me feel bad because he cleans. This is something that can be done twice a week but he does it daily and he's too obsessed about it but that's not my problem. He also told me that he would like it if I iron his clothes. So basically he's telling me I should do his laundry and iron his clothes besides cooking for both of us every day. We don't take turns in cooking because he has the mindset that it's a woman's job to cook. I could do his laundry but he has piles of clothes every day because he washes everything even if it's not too dirty. 

Another thing that he whines about is how I prepare his lunch for work. Usually I cook dinner the night before and I make extra food for him to take to work the next day. Then I put it in a plastic container in the fridge and all he has to do is take it out the next day. But he actually wants me to prepare everything like he's a school kid and I'm preparing his lunchbox. He wants me to put it in his bag with napkins, forks, and get it ready. I think it's too much because I already struggle trying to get ready every morning, I cook a full breakfast (he doesn't like bagels or simple stuff) and I need to head out of the house by 7 am. He does help me wash the dishes after breakfast but that's all he wants to do. It's easy to just wake up and have your breakfast already served and he still wants me to prepare his food for work and I hate being stressed out every morning. Sometimes he'll even tell me: "I don't feel like doing dishes today" so I have to end up doing the dishes besides making breakfast 

My question is: How much do I have to do for him if we're not married? He hasn't even talked about getting married in the future so why does he want a woman to take full care of him as if he's my husband? Am I supposed to act like a house wife even if he hasn't put a ring on me? He wants a woman to take care of him without being committed. He tells me that if I love him so much that I need to prove it by doing his laundry or other things for him. But he can simply walk away one day since we're not committed. He says we don't need to be married or sign any papers to act like husband and wife and that he considers me his wife even if there are no papers involved. I don't want to end up being a house maid to someone I'm not married to. I can compromise into doing more things like cleaning or whatever but then he needs to help me with cooking too and he doesn't like doing that. Please help me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a maid. And at his age he’ll probably never change. 
Was he married or in a ltr before you met him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, your division of labor is fair, but he keeps squawking for you to do way more. So don't marry him. You don't need to do more just because you get married! That's not part of the marriage vows. If he wants a maid, he can hire one to do his part when he's fed up with it. My guess is he'd be telling you HOW to do it just like him if you were to start doing it just like he's telling you how to pack his lunch now. You need to stop thinking of this as married or unmarried and just tell him flat out you're not doing all the housework and intend to either split it without hearing complaints or not live together. There are plenty of people you can love but not live with.

His lunchbox thing is RIDICULOUS! He's saying he feels like a woman. Tell him he more closely resembles an elementary school boy and that you are not his mommy.

He's going to just keep pecking and wearing you down just like when he doesn't feel like doing the dishes. Seriously, you know this now, so don't marry it!! He'll be useless helping take care of any kids you would have too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hand him a 30 day eviction notice.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm curious as to why you initially asked him to live with you? If you didn't want to be put in the position of doing wifely things? Or did he ask you if he could move in?

I have friends (a couple) that I've known for several years, and they've been 'engaged' the entire time. She has a ring, and she'd like to be married, but I doubt if that'll ever happen.

If it were me, I'd sit him down and tell him that living together isn't working for you. 

You have to be willing to walk away from the relationship - if you want to be married, and he doesn't. 

Now that you're living together, you're not going to be able to bargain your way to marriage. Sorting out housework is the stuff of roommates, so not necessarily a big deal, but you may end up living this way for a very long time if you don't address the underlying issue.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell him it’s time to move on.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> His lunchbox thing is RIDICULOUS! He's saying he feels like a woman. Tell him he more closely resembles an elementary school boy and that you are not his mommy.


I agree with this 100%. If I were a woman I would dump a guy like this without hesitation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My burning question is, why would you "have" to do all of the cooking, lunchbox prep and the laundry and ironing IF you were married???!???!

Marriage has nothing to do with it. If you were married it still wouldn't be your job to perform those maid duties for him. UNLESS you were the stay at home partner, and you both agreed he'd work and you'd not work and take care of all of the domestic duties.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What the hill does marriage have anything to do with this?? 

Would would want to be his momma and fold his underwear because you are are warring a ring and have a certificate in the file cabinet?

What has taken place here is his true colors are coming through. He is in the 1950s and wants the little lady cooking and cleaning all day long.

The fact that he himself is a cleaner and neat freak is actually a bad sign in this instance because it means you will never do a good enough and he will be riding your azz all the time.

This isn’t about marriage. This is about his ideas on gender roles and division of labor based on what people have between their legs.

Take marriage out of the equation, do you want to be a Little Miss Suzy Homemaker at this stage of your life?? 

If so, I’d say you’ve found your match. Just make sure you iron and fold his shirt collars nice and square and make sure the window cleaner doesn’t leave streaks. 

But if you want a partnership between two professional, working adults where each are responsible for their own home and domestic chores - then I think you need to re-evaluate if this is the right match for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your partner is looking for a mommy. Don’t let that happen.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nicole741 said:


> He wants a woman to take care of him without being committed. He tells me that if I love him so much that I need to prove it by doing his laundry or other things for him.


So would you enjoy "taking care" of him if you were married? This clown actually believes you can "prove" your love with a Tide pod??? Dump him and give him the phone # of a local maid servicce.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi. I hope my post is not too long, but I would like some advice. I'm a 33 year old female and I'm divorced. I don't have any kids. Now I'm in another relationship after my divorce with a man in his late 40s. He moved in with me about a year ago and I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I live with someone I'm not married to.


Being married or unmarried, roommates or common-law spouses, it's irrelevant. What matters is that you have respect for one another, and feel that the division of work is fair.



Nicole741 said:


> Him and I both work full time jobs and we split the house bills and rent 50/50. Since the beginning my boyfriend has helped me a lot to clean the house. He's a very tidy and clean man and he takes initiative to clean the house. So he cleans because he has told me that he likes doing it.
> I, on the other hand, cook breakfast and dinner every day so I do all the cooking in the house. As far as laundry, we each do our own. The thing is that suddenly he started complaining that he feels like he's the woman of the house because he's the only one that cleans all the time and that he feels humiliated doing his own laundry when usually women wash their man's clothes. I have offered him help a couple of times with cleaning, but he has told me "It's okay, I got this. Just relax". And now he's making me feel bad because he cleans. This is something that can be done twice a week but he does it daily and he's too obsessed about it but that's not my problem. He also told me that he would like it if I iron his clothes. So basically he's telling me I should do his laundry and iron his clothes besides cooking for both of us every day. We don't take turns in cooking because he has the mindset that it's a woman's job to cook. I could do his laundry but he has piles of clothes every day because he washes everything even if it's not too dirty.
> 
> Another thing that he whines about is how I prepare his lunch for work. Usually I cook dinner the night before and I make extra food for him to take to work the next day. Then I put it in a plastic container in the fridge and all he has to do is take it out the next day. But he actually wants me to prepare everything like he's a school kid and I'm preparing his lunchbox. He wants me to put it in his bag with napkins, forks, and get it ready. I think it's too much because I already struggle trying to get ready every morning, I cook a full breakfast (he doesn't like bagels or simple stuff) and I need to head out of the house by 7 am. He does help me wash the dishes after breakfast but that's all he wants to do. It's easy to just wake up and have your breakfast already served and he still wants me to prepare his food for work and I hate being stressed out every morning. Sometimes he'll even tell me: "I don't feel like doing dishes today" so I have to end up doing the dishes besides making breakfast
> ...


It's absolutely fine that one person do the cleaning and another person do the cooking. That happens all the time in marriages or even roommate situations. People often have preferences for some chores over others, different standards, etc, and divide things up to account for that. They also divide things up based on work time imbalance, whatever they agree is pertinent to their situation. When you live with others, you act like a rational, reasonable and respectful adult and work out an equitable division of work.

BUT.

You have a person who is sexist about chores. Laundry and cooking is women's work? Doing his own laundry/ironing is humiliating? He feels like a woman because he does all the cleaning? The cleaning he chose as his preferred chore? He wants you to make his lunch box up like you're his mother? If he doesn't feel like washing dishes, he ignores them and makes you do it? He expects you to help him get going in the morning, but is not supportive of helping you get going?

He's a grown adult, he ought to be able to do all these things on his own, and just appreciate that now he has a partner to divide and conquer it with.

Sounds to me like he doesn't want a partner, he wants a mommy. This is not the 50s, and you are not a housewife. He is not being rational, reasonable or respectful with his demands. He doesn't seem to be treating you like an equal partner. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would be supportive if something went wrong in your lives. He's pushing to see how much of a mommy he can convince you to be before he has to pay the price (the legal security of marriage).

He moved in with you? What was his living situation like before that? Was he the one who suggested it? Does he ever treat your job like an inconvenience to him or ask you to quit it? And this is who he is - men of late 40s do not change.

This is why I believe it's so important that people live together before marriage. If you can't work these basic things out, it's a big clue that the relationship isn't going to work out either.

My advice would be to either end the relationship, or kick him out of your place and resume the dating style relationship you presumably enjoyed before you tried cohabitating. But I suspect you probably won't be able to unsee what you have learned about him.



Nicole741 said:


> He tells me that if I love him so much that I need to prove it by doing his laundry or other things for him.


And this last part? That's just pure manipulativeness. How about he prove his love for you by not being so selfish, sexist and demanding! The only thing it sounds like he does now is the cleaning, and that is not done out of love for you but due to his own peculiar obsession with it. Stay with him long enough, and he'll demand you do the cleaning too, to 'prove your love' and then he'll get angry when it isn't to his standards.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m curious as to why you think this would be ok if you were married and why you have seem to only have an issue with it because you are not married. 

Can you help us understand why marriage seems to be a defining factor here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Interesting that he cane to live with YOU.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sounds like you're stuck in the old "sex with the maid" fantasy. 
I think I'd kick him to the curb. Splitting resources and chores is easy if you care for and love someone.
You can do better, I'm not sure he can...good luck.


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## Absentminded (Aug 28, 2019)

It shouldn’t matter whether you are married or not how much of / which chores you do around the house. The split of chores should be what you are BOTH agreed on. Your boyfriend’s comment that if you love him so much you need to prove it by doing his laundry or other things for him if highly manipulative and guilt tripping you. What is your boyfriend’s background? Has he been married before? Or lived on his own and had to look after himself? This will probably have an effect on how he views the division of chores. 

I’m a couple of years older than you and while I have at times felt a bit aggrieved about how little cleaning my husband does there are some things that he surprises me by doing. 

He has always been very diligent about doing the laundry and is very good at putting his clean washing away. He doesn’t put mine away as he says that ‘women’s clothes are too complicated to fold’  I found out recently that when he was growing up his Mum taught him and his brothers how to do their own washing and then it was their own chore that they did themselves, so I think that had a really big effect on how he views the responsibility of doing his own laundry. 

What you both do now will set the tone for what is to come in your relationship. Once you’ve settled into your “roles” it is very difficult to change things if you are unhappy with the split of chores. Personally I wish that I’d got my husband into the habit of doing more housework earlier in our relationship, but 16 years in and I realise I’ve probably missed my opportunity so now I get him to pay for our wonderful cleaner to come once a fortnight instead!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

If this were my BF I'd be concerned by the fact that he opts to do cleaning then tries to manipulate his way out of it afterwards. These were the chores he selected. And bringing in weird 1950s gender roles into is just f*(&ed up. Is he gonna jump in and pay all the bills and make you stay at home if he is so stuck on you guys living a 1950s lifestyle? There's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home spouse and you guys choosing TOGETHER to live like that. But what it sounds like is that he moved in and you guys decided to go Dutch on payments and chores. But then he is gradually chipping away at the things he will willingly do. He's showing you his true colors. Believe what he is showing you. Trust me - my XH was like this. First it was the chores. Then it was "you don't need to work. You don't want to neglect our child do you?" Don't let him turn you into something you didn't sign up for. DO NOT marry this guy.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Hell no. 
What benefits does he give you besides cleaning? That’s what I thought. 

He sounds manipulative. He sounds like the type of guy that if you give him an inch he will take a mile. If you want to stay with this guy (but he is a walking red flag), I would learn how to maintain strict boundaries. Do not do his laundry. Hell no. Do not iron his clothes! If you cook, he can do the dishes. If he doesn’t feel like doesn’t the dishes, then he can do them when he feels like it. 

I go to work early too and I like my morning to be stress free. Don’t let him bring you down every morning. Tell him no, he can pack his own lunch. And he can do the dishes whenever he feels like it. Stand up for yourself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You know what I want? I want a boyfriend to cook all my meals for me too, also to do my laundry, and make a lot of money and spoil me with presents. I want him to be 6’3, super fit, and an high earner who knows how to make me feel loved and special. 

My point is, who cares what he wants. Welcome to the world of wanting. He needs a hard dose of... this is what your going to get, and if he’s not grateful of the NICE things you do for him, then buy bye.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If everyone had the mindset of everything being their responsibility because they are I fact grown adults, then they will be grateful when we get any help at all in a relationship.
The problem is, we go into relationships thinking well the women will do this, and the men will do this... blah blah and we have unmet expectations, and we get mad at the other person because they aren’t doing what we assigned for them to do in our heads. It’s actually crazy to think about. 

Expectations are relationship killers. They make us all entitled, and unhappy. Because when our partner does something nice for us like cook for us, we just think we’ll it’s not nice because it’s their job. So what’s the point of doing anything nice if it’s taken advantage of.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He sounds ungrateful.

let him do it all - including cooking - then see how he likes it.

tell him every time he complains - you stop doing things/more.

if he wants it different why isn’t HE figuring out how to pay someone to provide the services HE needs (or rather wants).

if you give in at all - you can only blame yourself for his manipulative power play to see if you will do it all while he does NOTHING!

or rather - tell him you’ll do more laundry IF he pays for all the household expenses by himself!

he sounds like a jerk!

why did HE move in with YOU? He can move out!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi. I hope my post is not too long, but I would like some advice. I'm a 33 year old female and I'm divorced. I don't have any kids. Now I'm in another relationship after my divorce with a man in his late 40s. He moved in with me about a year ago and I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I live with someone I'm not married to.
> 
> Him and I both work full time jobs and we split the house bills and rent 50/50. Since the beginning my boyfriend has helped me a lot to clean the house. He's a very tidy and clean man and he takes initiative to clean the house. So he cleans because he has told me that he likes doing it.
> I, on the other hand, cook breakfast and dinner every day so I do all the cooking in the house. As far as laundry, we each do our own. The thing is that suddenly he started complaining that he feels like he's the woman of the house because he's the only one that cleans all the time and that he feels humiliated doing his own laundry when usually women wash their man's clothes. I have offered him help a couple of times with cleaning, but he has told me "It's okay, I got this. Just relax". And now he's making me feel bad because he cleans. This is something that can be done twice a week but he does it daily and he's too obsessed about it but that's not my problem. He also told me that he would like it if I iron his clothes. So basically he's telling me I should do his laundry and iron his clothes besides cooking for both of us every day. We don't take turns in cooking because he has the mindset that it's a woman's job to cook. I could do his laundry but he has piles of clothes every day because he washes everything even if it's not too dirty.
> ...


How old is he, 10?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> *If this were my BF I'd be concerned by the fact that he opts to do cleaning then tries to manipulate his way out of it afterwards.*


Exactly - and criticising the way she does the chores that she does.

Eff that. I'd be out.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi. I hope my post is not too long, but I would like some advice. I'm a 33 year old female and I'm divorced. I don't have any kids. Now I'm in another relationship after my divorce with a man in his late 40s. He moved in with me about a year ago and I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I live with someone I'm not married to.
> 
> Him and I both work full time jobs and we split the house bills and rent 50/50. Since the beginning my boyfriend has helped me a lot to clean the house. He's a very tidy and clean man and he takes initiative to clean the house. So he cleans because he has told me that he likes doing it.
> I, on the other hand, cook breakfast and dinner every day so I do all the cooking in the house. As far as laundry, we each do our own. The thing is that suddenly he started complaining that he feels like he's the woman of the house because he's the only one that cleans all the time and that he feels humiliated doing his own laundry when usually women wash their man's clothes. I have offered him help a couple of times with cleaning, but he has told me "It's okay, I got this. Just relax". And now he's making me feel bad because he cleans. This is something that can be done twice a week but he does it daily and he's too obsessed about it but that's not my problem. He also told me that he would like it if I iron his clothes. So basically he's telling me I should do his laundry and iron his clothes besides cooking for both of us every day. We don't take turns in cooking because he has the mindset that it's a woman's job to cook. I could do his laundry but he has piles of clothes every day because he washes everything even if it's not too dirty.
> ...


Don't! He wants a housewife, put a ring on it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> Don't! He wants a housewife, put a ring on it.


No. This is not someone you should marry. He does not see you at a partner, but rather as a maid. Marriage will not change this.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Tell him you'll do all that stuff for him if he gets a job to support you quitting your job and staying home. That ought to shut him up.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I noticed some ironies between your experience and mine.

I did 90-99% of the cooking and grocery shopping which included a hot breakfast every morning I didn't have to leave hours before anyone else got up. I packed everyone's lunches to include silverware, napkins, and drinks (if they wanted it that day). I did all of the laundry except for the ironing of their work clothes though I did fold or hang them up. In other words, a lot of the stuff that he's asking you to do, I did.

One of the major results of all of that effort was my SO thinking of me as an effeminate doormat. On the bright side when they moved out my home life got noticeably easier.

Do you want to be a doormat? Is there any reason for you to believe that you won't be taken for granted like I was?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GC1234 said:


> Don't! He wants a housewife *MOMMY. * put a ring on it.


Fixed that for ya.

And you don't marry some self-entitled ass-hole who thinks he's so damned special that his mommy-wife needs to wait on him hand and foot while he contributes nothing. You boot his worthless ass to the curb where it belongs!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

just as he tells you about the dishes, he doesn’t feel like doing them, you tell h8m the same. You don’t feel like doing his laundry either. Don’t be a fool. Stop doing anything for him and treat him like a house mate.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Fixed that for ya.
> 
> And you don't marry some self-entitled ass-hole who thinks he's so damned special that his mommy-wife needs to wait on him hand and foot while he contributes nothing. You boot his worthless ass to the curb where it belongs!


Hahaha, that's true. But I didn't want to assume that the OP didn't want to be a housewife.. who am I to judge. But right, if it's not what she wants, then now is a good time to go.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> Interesting that he cane to live with YOU.


That's what I'm thinking. On average, women make 80 cents on the dollar compared to men. Are you one of the extraordinary women who with possibly 15 years less working life than this guy is making more than he is despite at least those two handicaps?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you want to get married, don't be shy to be upfront about it. Certainly, at least around the time that you two contemplate being exclusive. I hope that you two are exclusive since he is living in your home. I think a lot of young women are shy about admitting that they want to get married, maybe because it puts a dent into their fearless independent persona that they want to put on.

Did you offer that he could live with you? Do you rent or own? How much does he contribute to the rent/ mortgage compared to you? If he pays half, that should mean that you make the same amount as he does, at least. Do you understand the property laws where you live? For example, if you're renting, is he classified as subleasing? Is his name on the rental agreement along with yours? If you own, does he hand you cash or a check to deposit in your checking account? I lived in London for 20 years, I learned that if anyone puts money in my mortgage directly, then they've just bought a slice equity in the property. Anyone who moves into your place indefinitely without a rental agreement becomes a squatter. The last thing you'll want is for anyone to pull your home out from under your feet.

I was in your situation before. Dating the second time around. When you're in your40s, you're not really sure what your SMV is, to put it crudely. One guy acted, and I mean acted, as if he marry me in 6 months. But first he wanted to move to my city and then live in home. I knew something was fishy about that. People who date divorcees should understand that they are looking for a better life. This guy was trying to trap me into a relationship with him, taking up half my living space and probably get control of my friends and home.

With the guy you're living with, does he have friends, children, family that you've met?

Just tell him, you've thought about this arrangement and it's not working for you. Your goal is to marry someone with whom you compatible and you don't see that here. While he may try to negotiate staying, you should steadfastly negotiate his exit plans.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi. I hope my post is not too long, but I would like some advice. I'm a 33 year old female and I'm divorced. I don't have any kids. Now I'm in another relationship after my divorce with a man in his late 40s. He moved in with me about a year ago and I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I live with someone I'm not married to.
> 
> Him and I both work full time jobs and we split the house bills and rent 50/50. Since the beginning my boyfriend has helped me a lot to clean the house. He's a very tidy and clean man and he takes initiative to clean the house. So he cleans because he has told me that he likes doing it.
> I, on the other hand, cook breakfast and dinner every day so I do all the cooking in the house. As far as laundry, we each do our own. The thing is that suddenly he started complaining that he feels like he's the woman of the house because he's the only one that cleans all the time and that he feels humiliated doing his own laundry when usually women wash their man's clothes. I have offered him help a couple of times with cleaning, but he has told me "It's okay, I got this. Just relax". And now he's making me feel bad because he cleans. This is something that can be done twice a week but he does it daily and he's too obsessed about it but that's not my problem. He also told me that he would like it if I iron his clothes. So basically he's telling me I should do his laundry and iron his clothes besides cooking for both of us every day. We don't take turns in cooking because he has the mindset that it's a woman's job to cook. I could do his laundry but he has piles of clothes every day because he washes everything even if it's not too dirty.
> ...


Ugh.. nope, nope and nope.

I don't care if you were married. He can do as he likes but you are not required to fix his lunch a certain way or do his clothes or whatever.

He obviously has some ocd type stuff going on but he can fix his own things if he doesn't like how you do it and if you are cooking every morning, he can damn well clean up.

You both work and he should be enjoying your life together and participating.

I am the head chef in our relationship and Mrs. Conan is clean up.

We both contribute to working with each other on everything.

She does the laundry but I wouldn't expect her to do all the extra stuff like ironing and I take care of a fairly large list of things she never has to concern herself with.

He seems awfully demanding for a guy who isn't even married to you and isn't taking care of everything financially.

Have a talk and lay out some boundaries.

He needs to back off and agree to some of your wants as well.

Do you have some requirements for him?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Hand him a 30 day eviction notice.


FTW!


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## Nicole741 (Jan 17, 2021)

Hi again. I’m glad a lot of people here agree with me. I was starting to think I was the crazy one because he makes me feel like I’m bad. I didn’t mention that my BF is Mexican. I’ve heard that a lot of men in Mexico are sexists and it’s a cultural thing there that women do more than men in the house. 
He has to deal with the fact that he’s not with a Mexican woman. I’m Hispanic too but not all Hispanic countries are the same. Maybe he needs a Mexican woman who is used to those old traditions.

I know it doesn’t make a difference if we are married or not but I think when you’re committed to someone there are more responsibilities towards your spouse. That’s why I brought up the fact that we’re not married because I don’t think he should have all those expectations from me.

One more last thing. He told me his mom owned a restaurant so her job was pretty much to cook all day. Maybe that’s the reason why he thinks a woman should cook. Maybe he wants me to resemble his mom but I’m sorry, I am a totally different person and I don’t want to be stuck in the kitchen cooking all day. Maybe his mom liked it but I don’t.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

This man sounds very controlling and it will only get worse as time goes on. Cries about wanting help cleaning but only wants help if it’s exactly his way? He needs to grow up. The lunch thing is also hilarious. Not only does he want a maid, he also wants you to be his mommy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not likely to change if that’s his culture so unfortunately you will either have to accept him as is or move on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi again. I’m glad a lot of people here agree with me. I was starting to think I was the crazy one because he makes me feel like I’m bad. I didn’t mention that my BF is Mexican. I’ve heard that a lot of men in Mexico are sexists and it’s a cultural thing there that women do more than men in the house.
> He has to deal with the fact that he’s not with a Mexican woman. I’m Hispanic too but not all Hispanic countries are the same. Maybe he needs a Mexican woman who is used to those old traditions.
> 
> I know it doesn’t make a difference if we are married or not but I think when you’re committed to someone there are more responsibilities towards your spouse. That’s why I brought up the fact that we’re not married because I don’t think he should have all those expectations from me.
> ...


I have very close friends in the Mexican culture.

In a traditional setting, he would be right but he is not in a traditional situation and is enjoying your combined income.

As far as cooking??? I know men who love menudo that a goat would puke while trying to eat and they can cook their asses off and are with white women who hold full time jobs like them.

He is full of **** on a couple levels.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think it’s unreasonable for you to cook a huge breakfast every morning and he can’t be making his lunch while you do that.
Everything is about balance in a relationship if it’s going to be good. Sounds like he has all these plans for what he wants YOU to do.

Fix his wagon, the next time he mentions these things he’d like you to do, have something in mind you’d like HIM to do.
Something legit that you feel is equal to his request (I think his are def unreasonable).

when you start making requests of him ans he starts crawfishing, you’ll know where his heart is. I really think, as others do, that u are in for escalated requests and nothing from him in the balance.

Btw, I love having breakfast cooked for me, but in truth,don’t want it every single morning. He does?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I am Hispanic too and I can't imagine being married to a Hispanic man. Lol! 

Not all of them are bad, but I didn't have any luck finding someone who could really understand me. 

My brother is a Hispanic male and he cooks, cleans, and does laundry, so not all Hispanic men behave like small children. I think it's more like an individual way of thinking and the way a child is raised. 

My american husband is not that good at doing chores. His mom did everything for him, but he lived alone and he learned to do things on his own. He's good at other things I have no interest in, like cutting grass, fixing cars, fixing stuff around the house, etc. I think we keep a pretty balanced marriage, and he never demands things from me. I don't mind doing things for someone if the person is not bossy or demanding.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, here are a couple of thoughts.

First, I'm sure there is a cultural aspect to this. I am white/Jewish but grew up near the Mexican border so I've known many Mexicans and it did seem to me that gender roles were more rigid. But self respecting Mexican men worked and supported the family. It is a culture of work.

Also, my friend (black) was married to a guy from Honduras and they had this issue. She worked longer hours and made more money but he'd still come home, sit on the couch, and wait for her to get home to wait on him. She divorced him and he found a white woman willing to cater to him.

Second, your age difference is too much
My ex was 19 years older and not only are there generational differences much beyond 10 years, the older person never quite sees the younger person as an equal. I made more money and had taken care of myself just fine prior to him but he still thought he knew best.

This guy isn't a good deal...that's why he had to sniff out a much younger woman. Men that do this are often predatory and younger women tend to put up with a lot more. I know that 31 year old me put up with a lot of things that 46 year old me won't.

I don't see what benefit you get from this guy. I wanted to get married too and obviously ex and I did get married, but he wasn't a good deal for me. Don't get so wrapped up in the idea of marriage that you lose sight of whether it's a good deal for you.

I recommend you stop kissing this guy's ass and find someone close to your age with something more to offer you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why did HE move in with you?

will he move easily if you ask him to move?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> This guy isn't a good deal...that's why he had to sniff out a much younger woman. Men that do this are often predatory and younger women tend to put up with a lot more.


Why every time a woman sees a man with a younger woman, he's automatically a predator, a man seeking a young innocent nubile female so that he can has his way with her. This is the kind of crap that passes as true these days; specially with some segments of the female population.

It's ********, through millions of years of evolution the male of the species in the human race has been genetically/environmentally/socially conditioned to seek out young fertile females, because that would have given her a change to live long enough to successfully bring a new progeny. Although we not longer has these pressures anymore, in most of today's societies around the world, with the exception of a few "primitive" societies, this conditioning still exist in "most men" around the world; it doesn't matter how old the man is, the instinctive behavior is to want to mate with the young female rather than the old female. Now, in today's world, this might or does become detrimental to the male at some point in the future when he no longer can. Men seek females that have the attributes to which he's socially and genetically conditioned to. the male likes what he likes, same with females, each female likes what she likes. That's why we all see that the richer the guy, the younger and prettier the female. The more money the guy has, the more, and more attractive the guy is to a big percentage of the female population (security).

That it indeed exist males/females predators, YES, they exist, but they're not the majority. Since time immemorial men has been conditioned to marry younger females, you cannot change that, just because you don't like it. It is what it is, this does not make a man a predator.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Things have changed to make further change happen. since my mother's been widowed she has dated 2 men with adult children. No problem at all since she's too old to get pregnant and has her own money. I'm sure these men's adult children would be wondering what would happen to their inheritance if their father dated a fertile 20 something who would upset the inheritance plan. That's because divorce laws have changed and pretty young things don't have to wait until their baby daddy dies in order to get the booty. 

Also with people retaining their looks longer, it's more possible to be attracted to someone closer to your age. Especially when, once again, 20 somethings are clamoring for people to love them and their excess weight. My husband's "just a friend" friend (predating our marriage) is 11 years younger than my husband but was unnerved that men her age did not find her attractive. She finally lost some weight at the ripe old age of 35. She chronicles everything in Facebook.

If older men want to deal with the problems that younger women bring to a marriage, then that's their choice. to me, it seems it's about even in terms of men who want someone young in age instead of someone who is compatible.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> Things have changed to make further change happen. since my mother's been widowed she has dated 2 men with adult children. No problem at all since she's too old to get pregnant and has her own money. I'm sure these men's adult children would be wondering what would happen to their inheritance if their father dated a fertile 20 something who would upset the inheritance plan. That's because divorce laws have changed and pretty young things don't have to wait until their baby daddy dies in order to get the booty.
> 
> Also with people retaining their looks longer, it's more possible to be attracted to someone closer to your age. Especially when, once again, 20 somethings are clamoring for people to love them and their excess weight. My husband's "just a friend" friend (predating our marriage) is 11 years younger than my husband but was unnerved that men her age did not find her attractive. She finally lost some weight at the ripe old age of 35. She chronicles everything in Facebook.
> 
> If older men want to deal with the problems that younger women bring to a marriage, then that's their choice. to me, it seems it's about even in terms of men who want someone young in age instead of someone who is compatible.


Yes. you are correct, depending in what part of the world you are. But the point was being made that just because he was older than her, he MUST be predator "sniffing out" younger women to abuse and use.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes. you are correct, depending in what part of the world you are. But the point was being made that just because he was older than her, he MUST be predator "sniffing out" younger women to abuse and use.


Since you were addressing me i will respond.

This argument about biology has always been ridiculous. This is a societal construct created by greedy and narcissistic people to justify what absolutely are predatory arrangements.

First of all, sperm quality declines with age, so if biology thought 50 year old men were on par with 20 year old men this wouldn't be the case. Ancient royals married their sisters for socially constructed reasons and we all know how that worked out, so people have always leveraged resources to do things that were biologically a bad idea.

Also, older men had to leverage what amounted to an imbalance in resources to basically buy younger women. You think that given the option of a good looking 25 year old guy and a decent looking 50 year old men, both bringing the same resources, any 20 year old woman would go with the older guy?

You might be able to get a younger woman to put up with you in exchange for money, but the relationship is inherently predatory because there is an imbalance of resources that she has to consider, so she doesn't choose completely freely....at least historically.

It's not like only men do this...women with money do it too. You think rich old women want old men? Ha....they buy younger men.

And younger people do not have the same life experience so they do not have the same knowledge and experience to make a good decision. At similar ages at least both are equally ignorant.

In times past a woman had to consider whether she and her kids could eat, so in that sense the imbalance waa much worse. Today people aren't starving like that, at least in most of the world, so the predatory factor is diminished somewhat. Bimbos can choose to put up with a fossil for his money just for more stuff, not so they don't starve. Just like young men can put up with wealthy older women for more stuff.

It is natural to look at younger people, and I'm not suggesting that predatory in this context is the same as one who victimizes children

But getting a much younger partner often requires a leverage of financial and emotional imbalances which to me is predatory. Young people put up with a lot of stuff older people don't, thus lowering the bar for certain "segments" of the male population who frankly aren't that good of a deal.

I don't wish to thread jack, which is where this is starting to go, so I'll tie this back to OP. This is absolutely predatory on an emotional level because she has materially less life experience than him and is putting up with things a woman his age would be less likely to put up with. It's not even as though he's supporting her and treating her like a queen in exchange for banging a younger woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He wants the benefits of you working and paying half the bills but then is humiliated at having to pull his weight. Tell him you are humiliated that he doesn't take care of 100% of the household bills and would act the housewife if you didn't have to have to go out and work also cause he is not taking care of business. See what he says, i bet he wont want to give up all that extra income. He is full of ****!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So your view of a predator is more like an angler fish, whereas I’m thinking tiger.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> So your view of a predator is more like an angler fish, whereas I’m thinking tiger.


If you don't know what predation can look like, it becomes very easy to get sucked in.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Nicole741 said:


> He does help me wash the dishes after breakfast but that's all he wants to do. It's easy to just wake up and have your breakfast already served and he still wants me to prepare his food for work and I hate being stressed out every morning. Sometimes he'll even tell me: "I don't feel like doing dishes today" so I have to end up doing the dishes besides making breakfast


I agree with majority of thoughts here.

Including @aine... as to why you 'have to' end up doing the dishes. It just seems like the division of chores between you is still being worked out. How long have you been living together (apologies if I missed this)? If the agreed dynamic is that you cook, and he cleans, but then he doesn't feel like doing the dishes, then guess what happens... the dishes remain uncleaned until he takes care of them.

As for the packing of lunch, this could be an expression of extra care to put cutlery and napkin along with the container of food ready to go, that could be done the night before. Personally, I don't see a particular issue with that request (and I do not liken that to a school lunchbox) - when there's a dynamic that appreciates you each have your focused chores which essentially helps one another and the household. For perspective, I typically don't cook but take care of _most _other (but not all) house chores, whereas my husband cooks and takes care of some other things. It's a pattern we have settled into that works for us. However, if there's an instance where we request / notice something of the other, we express that, but wait for the other to action it. Small example: I was leaving a couple of drinking glasses/cups on the corner of the kitchen bench which I intended to come back to. After a while, he mentioned this was becoming a 'habit' and he didn't like it but left them there. So now, my drinking glasses no longer take a mini-vacation on the kitchen bench at the corner, and instead continue to the destination of the sink/dish-washer. And, when he clipped his toenails over the bathtub and left them there, I told him that I noticed this and could he get rid of them, as I wouldn't be. Next morning, I noticed they were gone. Those moments are far and few between, but it's how our dynamic works when they do. The thing I haven't worried about is when he leaves his socks by the front door. I do collect them up (as part of laundry) and it really doesn't bother me. And no doubt, there's things he doesn't worry about with me, too. It's just working out between you what is going to work. Being married / not married has nothing to do with it, though.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi again. I’m glad a lot of people here agree with me. I was starting to think I was the crazy one* because he makes me feel like I’m bad.*


This is a problem - fundamental different approaches and expectations of roles within the relationship.

Either sort this out as clearly and concisely together, and/or consider your options. Otherwise, years could go by with a dynamic that is built upon resentment.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm a reverse predator.

I prey on older women and make more money than them.

I take care of large lists of necessities that she doesn't have to worry about and I cook my ass off.

She does clean more though.😉🤠


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I'm a reverse predator.
> 
> I prey on older women and make more money than them.
> 
> ...


Hmmm....are you sure your wife didn't plan this out?

😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmmm....are you sure your wife didn't plan this out?
> 
> 😉


I'm so taken advantage of......😁🤠


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I'm so taken advantage of......😁🤠



I tip my hat to her. Smart women know that the key to proper manipulation is to make the guy think its his idea 😀

I'm done thread jacking now.

I hope OP realizes she can do better.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

If a so called boyfriend told me that, I'm afraid I would have said "no no no ****ing way" this is pushing my kindness too far. I'd tell him to move his **** out and **** off.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zombie thread from over a year and a half ago.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nicole741 said:


> Hi. I hope my post is not too long, but I would like some advice. I'm a 33 year old female and I'm divorced. I don't have any kids. Now I'm in another relationship after my divorce with a man in his late 40s. He moved in with me about a year ago and I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I live with someone I'm not married to.
> 
> Him and I both work full time jobs and we split the house bills and rent 50/50. Since the beginning my boyfriend has helped me a lot to clean the house. He's a very tidy and clean man and he takes initiative to clean the house. So he cleans because he has told me that he likes doing it.
> I, on the other hand, cook breakfast and dinner every day so I do all the cooking in the house. As far as laundry, we each do our own. The thing is that suddenly he started complaining that he feels like he's the woman of the house because he's the only one that cleans all the time and that he feels humiliated doing his own laundry when usually women wash their man's clothes. I have offered him help a couple of times with cleaning, but he has told me "It's okay, I got this. Just relax". And now he's making me feel bad because he cleans. This is something that can be done twice a week but he does it daily and he's too obsessed about it but that's not my problem. He also told me that he would like it if I iron his clothes. So basically he's telling me I should do his laundry and iron his clothes besides cooking for both of us every day. We don't take turns in cooking because he has the mindset that it's a woman's job to cook. I could do his laundry but he has piles of clothes every day because he washes everything even if it's not too dirty.
> ...


Surprised you can hear what he says or understand him because isn't there a dreadful whining noise whenever he opens his mouth?

Thank goodness you aren't going to marry him.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This isn’t about marriage. This is about his ideas on gender roles and division of labor based on what people have between their legs.


Exactly, perfectly THIS.

I'm older so I've had ex partners with this mindset. They want a woman who will do for them what their mommy did for their daddy. Times have changed but they're stuck in their outmoded role expectations.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Zombie thread from over a year and a half ago.


Damn, I fell for it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Corgi Mum said:


> Damn, I fell for it.


That's okay. You never know when the op might be lurking and need reinforcement.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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