# I think my husband is gay



## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

I really think my husband is gay. We've been married a long time and even in the early years of our marriage we only had sex once an week, the once every 2 weeks, then once a month until it has dwindled down to never. It currently has been 6 months and it was awful last time. I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together but he seemed to love me so much and when we were dating we were so passionate for each other, but it didn't last. Over the years he's had friends that he hung out with and went fishing and hunting, but they never stayed friends for more than a few months which makes me think they were lovers not friends. He quit drinking and using drugs about 5 years ago and that is when we really quit having any kind of relationship at all. I feel like I've been used to hide his true self from the world and now he just doesn't care about me at all or has ever really cared about me. I have too much invested financially to just move out without carefully planning it. I have a large retirement fund, I make more money, and we own property together so I feel like i'd wind up being on the losing end.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would say you got your answer on him being gay, knowing that he was previously with a man.

Does he work or are you the sole earner? he can't take everything from you, speak to a lawyer.

I high recommend getting tested for STD's


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

End the end the cost might be well worth it.

Time to see a lawyer.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Lonelychef said:


> I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together.


Definitely gay...

Women tend to be more fluid sexually, when men are sexually hitting another dude it's usually 100% gay.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Didn't the fact that he had been in a gay relationship before raise the red flags?As well as the heavy drinking and drug taking?

I think he married you as a front to show the world while he had relationships with men behind the scenes. I am sure that he loved you in his own way, but marrying you under false pretences was very wrong. 

Please get tested for std's. Also get legal advise. It sounds as if you are both quite well off, so you should be ok in the event of a divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get tested for STD's immediately and file for divorce!

I believe that your suspicions have been more than confirmed!*


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lonelychef said:


> I really think my husband is gay. We've been married a long time and even in the early years of our marriage we only had sex once an week, the once every 2 weeks, then once a month until it has dwindled down to never. It currently has been 6 months and it was awful last time. I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together but he seemed to love me so much and when we were dating we were so passionate for each other, but it didn't last. Over the years he's had friends that he hung out with and went fishing and hunting, but they never stayed friends for more than a few months which makes me think they were lovers not friends. He quit drinking and using drugs about 5 years ago and that is when we really quit having any kind of relationship at all. I feel like I've been used to hide his true self from the world and now he just doesn't care about me at all or has ever really cared about me. I have too much invested financially to just move out without carefully planning it. I have a large retirement fund, I make more money, and we own property together so I feel like i'd wind up being on the losing end.



- how old are you both?

- Are you guys in good shape or need to lose a lot of weight?

- Yes, he was involved with a man sexually before you married him.

- He is bi sexual. Sex with this other man before you were married and with you as well.

- Once he stopped drinking and using drugs about 5 years ago, that's when his sex drive with you pretty much ended.

- If he's an older man, 40+ years old, no more drugs and alcohol, and needs to lose weight, that could account for his lack of sex drive. Doesn't mean he's out having sex with another man or woman......

- More info needed here.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Lonelychef said:


> I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting .......


SEROUSLY?!!??!?! Did you know that before you got married? Yeah he's either gay or at minimum bi. Barring being in prison or some similar extreme situation, a purely straight guy will NEVER have a sex with another man.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First perceptions vary with gay men. There are more than a few women happy to be away from sexual activity. So we can go to restaurants, shows, concerts, and afterwards I am not going to be asked to do something I don't particularly enjoy or even worst new things he saw somewhere- this is great. That's why more than a few women took a surprisingly long time to figure out what was going on- I guess 3 quick episodes in 5 years does in retrospect seem unusual. 

That said, if you are looking for physical and possible emotional closeness, a normal physical relationship within the context of marriage, and physical love, that makes sense. Here, it sounds like this is not working for you. 

Financial assets can be split. There can be some initial acrimony and then new lives. Many husbands and some wives feel frustration, anger, rejection, poor self-image, at not being seen as physically desirable, and you are entitled to a new life if you feel that way.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lonelychef said:


> I really think my husband is gay. We've been married a long time and even in the early years of our marriage we only had sex once an week, the once every 2 weeks, then once a month until it has dwindled down to never. It currently has been 6 months and it was awful last time. I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together but he seemed to love me so much and when we were dating we were so passionate for each other, but it didn't last. Over the years he's had friends that he hung out with and went fishing and hunting, but they never stayed friends for more than a few months which makes me think they were lovers not friends. He quit drinking and using drugs about 5 years ago and that is when we really quit having any kind of relationship at all. I feel like I've been used to hide his true self from the world and now he just doesn't care about me at all or has ever really cared about me. I have too much invested financially to just move out without carefully planning it. I have a large retirement fund, I make more money, and we own property together so I feel like i'd wind up being on the losing end.


In your only other post you say you have been married forty years.Surely you must have realized a long time ago that something was amiss.
What age is your husband and is he in good health,maybe his testosterone level needs checking or maybe he is as you say gay.
Does he look at porn and if so what type turns him on.
When you did have sex was he mostly interested in anal or sex from behind,did he like to use any sex toys,butt plugs etc.
Forty years is a long time to be someone’s beard.
You say you have gained a lot of weight and this makes you feel less attractive.Start by trying to lose some weight,don’t start any exercise program without having a medical checkup first.Your self esteem is in the gutter so you need to work on that,maybe with a therapist or counselor.If you are convinced he is gay then one of you is going to have to pull the plug,even if you lose some money you might have a few years of happiness and fulfillment to make up for it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> In your only other post you say you have been married forty years.Surely you must have realized a long time ago that something was amiss.
> What age is your husband and is he in good health,maybe his testosterone level needs checking or maybe he is as you say gay.
> Does he look at porn and if so what type turns him on.
> When you did have sex was he mostly interested in anal or sex from behind,did he like to use any sex toys,butt plugs etc.
> ...


forty year marriage and the sex dropped off... when? from what she describes, it sounds like it was gradual, over the course of many years. 
and she gained a bunch of weight?

yeah, plenty of things to look at before assuming she is just his beard...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

you know, i really do feel for people who are bisexual and in a long term committed relationship. it is so common to see their partner end up here, convinced that they swing for the other team and are not attracted to them. while i can sympathize with their situation, i cannot empathize. i have never felt insecure about it in my own marriage. 

it must be difficult for the bisexual partner though, who are often accused of not being attracted to their spouse. people have even said that about akinaura. that she should divorce me because she will never truly be happy with me, she is lesbian, more attracted to women, etc. 

must be frustrating.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lonelychef said:


> I really think my husband is gay. We've been married a long time and even in the early years of our marriage we only had sex once an week, the once every 2 weeks, then once a month until it has dwindled down to never. It currently has been 6 months and it was awful last time. I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together but he seemed to love me so much and when we were dating we were so passionate for each other, but it didn't last. Over the years he's had friends that he hung out with and went fishing and hunting, but they never stayed friends for more than a few months which makes me think they were lovers not friends. He quit drinking and using drugs about 5 years ago and that is when we really quit having any kind of relationship at all. I feel like I've been used to hide his true self from the world and now he just doesn't care about me at all or has ever really cared about me. I have too much invested financially to just move out without carefully planning it. I have a large retirement fund, I make more money, and we own property together so I feel like i'd wind up being on the losing end.


Drinking and drugs overcame his aversion either to you or to women.

Being involved with a man prior to marriage points to gay and to bi-sexuality, for sure.


Having short lasting friends could be: 
These friends may indeed be gay, and they tired of each quickly, a gay proclivity. Them, they, having many partners.

-or-

The new friends were not gay and were quickly rejected by your husband. Or they 'later', after the fact, saw him come out of the closet and ran from him.

Straight and gay men repel each other. As do two pluses, two minuses, the same polarity of the sexual magnet.

He is not of your ilk, your blood type. He can only make you ill.

Take the hit now, take the financial loss, if any. 

*Years of life cannot be dollar enumerated or priced below book value.
Intrinsic worth is incalculable.*


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

You should try reverse roleplay with a strapon penis. Some else her mentioned Testosterone have him get a blood test to have that checked. 

Sex should be fun and the same old same old with the same person year after year can get awfully boring....change it up.......what is you level of adventure in the bedroom?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, these shocks are reminiscent of Enola Gay.

Your husband's big bomb, his naked truth, hit your world, your soul.
Leaving you alone, in tatters, strangely leaving your *material riches untouched. 

Until radioactive fallout threatens *its ownership, it's life. 
Giving a half-life's worth to you, the other half-life to the deceiver

The Typist II


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## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

Financially he is self employed and partially retired. I make more money on paper.


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## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

I guess deciding after 40 years of marriage that my husband is gay does sound strange. The truth is we were really young when we got married and had kids almost immediately. He was sexually abused by an uncle when from the time he was 8 until he was 12. His uncle performed oral sex on him and made him perform anal sex on the uncle. His gay relationship prior to meeting me was written off as experimentation. It was the 70's and free love reigned supreme. Like I said we had a passionate relationship up until we got a few month into our marriage. All in all, I was quite happy for a very long time. He was very supportive of me going to college, going to culinary school and of my career in general. After our kids were grown I became very focused on my career. He and I were pretty much 2 ships passing in the night for many years. I never even noticed he had a serious cocaine and alcohol problem until it had been going on for almost 10 years. He got clean and sober about 5 years ago. Then my mother became ill so I was focused on her care. After mom died and my work schedule slowed down. I suddenly had the time to look at my life and marriage. I've gained 30 lbs since I quit smoking 2 years ago, so I don't think my weight is the issues since our intimacy problems began long ago. I am told I am very attractive (even with 30 extra pounds) and do not look 56 years old, and honestly compared to most of my friends I look years younger than my age.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

His childhood sex abuse (CSA) is likely the entire driver of his sexuality. His experimentation in the 70's is no surprise considering he was sexually abused. His apparent lack of interest in sex with you could also be explained by CSA. But you cannot be his therapist, and honestly at his age it seems unlikely he would experience some major change via therapy. 

Even so, you have every right to a fulfilling marriage. He has the obligation to seek help for whatever issues he has. All of us are obligated to be the best spouse we can, and to seek help when a problem is identified. He has probably run from his CSA issues his entire life. Understandable, and common, yet not excusable.

Welcome to the world of being a Secondary Survivor of CSA. Your H is the "survivor", and his close family and loved ones would be Secondary Survivors. The evil of the abuse is being passed on to you indirectly, and without your H desiring to hurt you. Yet you have been damaged over all these years by it.

You could seek out some therapy for yourself, or possibly a support group for Secondaries. However, there are few good resources out there for Secondaries. Individual therapy might be the best way for you to achieve some peace about your situation.

I don't really know much about male CSA victims. My wife, now ex-wife, was abused as a young girl. So I am familiar with how females are affected and how their husbands are affected. In the end, I learned that nothing really changes with the victim unless they see they have a major problem and they seek qualified trauma therapy. The problem is that most victims can't possibly have the perspective to understand the scope of the issues they are dealing with, and they tend to avoid truly dealing with it. So, it is unlikely your H is going to become the way you would like him to be when it comes to sex.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is nothing in what you say to indicate he is gay.

Even if you were a qualified psychiatrist, you can't be his therapist.

My wife's psychiatrists made sure I understand that. I was lectured on that, and reminded of it. Just in case I decided to give it a try at some point.

I am not qualified, but I was in a position it would have been easy for me to become qualified. And my wife was in therapy long enough I could have gotten a number of degrees.

From your description I would think your husband is shutting down, as a first guess.

Sexual preference is not learned, no matter what anyone says. He wasn't taught to be homosexual. I think you would be hard pressed to find a good therapist who would go along with the charlatan point of view that sexual preference is a product of teachings.

He was traumatized. He needs professional help. If he got it he may not respond, or may take years to respond, and may not respond in the way you like. He may continue to prefer celibacy. His shame may be ruling him. The possibilities go on and on.

My opinion is the trauma is certainly at fault.

At this point what can you do? Recognize he needs psychiatric help. Take care of yourself.

Please be well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is sometimes life doesn't turn out like we plan. Having sex with your husband, feeling loved by your husband isn't unreasonable. It will hurt to make a major life change by divorcing. But there's a lot to look forward to on your end if your husband is no longer attracted to you. 

Don't be afraid to move forward if your marriage is dead.


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## PatJourno (Dec 24, 2017)

Seek the legal avenue on possible solutions and scenerios.

Is he gay or bisexual? Do either bother you?



Lonelychef said:


> I really think my husband is gay. We've been married a long time and even in the early years of our marriage we only had sex once an week, the once every 2 weeks, then once a month until it has dwindled down to never. It currently has been 6 months and it was awful last time. I do know he was sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together but he seemed to love me so much and when we were dating we were so passionate for each other, but it didn't last. Over the years he's had friends that he hung out with and went fishing and hunting, but they never stayed friends for more than a few months which makes me think they were lovers not friends. He quit drinking and using drugs about 5 years ago and that is when we really quit having any kind of relationship at all. I feel like I've been used to hide his true self from the world and now he just doesn't care about me at all or has ever really cared about me. I have too much invested financially to just move out without carefully planning it. I have a large retirement fund, I make more money, and we own property together so I feel like i'd wind up being on the losing end.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lonelychef said:


> I really think my husband is gay. *We've been married a long time and even in the early years of our marriage we only had sex once an week, the once every 2 weeks, then once a month until it has dwindled down to never. It currently has been 6 months and it was awful last time.* I do know he was *sexually involved with a man prior to us getting together but he seemed to love me so much and when we were dating we were so passionate for each other*, ......





Lonelychef said:


> I guess deciding *after 40 years of marriage that my husband is gay* does sound strange. The truth is we were really young when we got married and had kids almost immediately. He was sexually abused by an uncle when from the time he was 8 until he was 12. His uncle performed oral sex on him and made him perform anal sex on the uncle. His gay relationship prior to meeting me was written off as experimentation. It was the 70's and free love reigned supreme. Like I said *we had a passionate relationship up until we got a few month into our marriage*.
> 
> ......After mom died and my work schedule slowed down. I suddenly had the time to look at my life and marriage. I've gained 30 lbs since I quit smoking 2 years ago, so I don't think my weight is the issues since our intimacy problems began long ago. I am told I am very attractive (even with 30 extra pounds) and do not look 56 years old, and honestly compared to most of my friends I look years younger than my age.


OK, first of all there is a big difference between a gay man or homosexual man and a bisexual man.

Your husband is not gay, he is bisexual based on what you said and that is probably complicated due to sexual abuse.

Stop calling your husband gay, as you and he had passionate sex. 

My suggestion for you is to get yourself and your H to a sex therapist for marriage counseling and find out if there is enough shared love to reconcile your marriage and re-establish some form of sexual intimacy. Labeling him isn't helping the problem.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Heterosexual men do not have attractions to, desire for or have sex with other men.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Bisexuals arn't gay?

Hmm.

I guess there half gay?

Why are women only called lesbians are lesbians not gay?

I'm so confused.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

CSA survivors can act in ways we cannot imagine make sense. His actions emulating the CSA does not necessarily indicate attraction, at all.

I was told one of the things a CSA survivor may think, at some point in her recovery, is she must have actually wanted to be abused, and that is why it happened. Also, some victims may continue to suffer from this, and attempt to construct desire for the abusive action in an attempt to find some peace from the inner hatred of self. When that construct fails in comparison to reality, the hatred of self is reinforced.

These are just a few of the types of damage gifted to the victims of CSA by the perpetrators of this abuse.

It is completely unreasonable to say he is gay or bisexual because he acts out a few scenes from his abuse at some later time. The only thing that can be inferred is his soul is tortured.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Bisexuals arn't gay?
> 
> Hmm.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are confused.

And none of it applies to this case, anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its interesting that all the gay men we know were sexually abused by a man as a child. It must skew your sexuality when all of your early experiences of sex were with someone of the same sex, especially when you we far too young to be able to stop it or deal with it. He may well be a hetrosexual man who has had his sexuality damaged by his uncle. So sad.


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