# Should I fight or just let go



## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

Hello Everyone. 

My wife is 49, I am 39 (female). For the most part we get along, care for one another, and support one another. We have been together 9 years, but we have called it quits. 

In the beginning of our relationship (first couple of years) everything was great. We were the typical uhal lesbians and she moved in with me after a couple months of dating. My wife and I were intimate, passionate, and considerate of one another.
As time went on, she stopped responding emotionally and physically. I tried talking to her about it and out right told her what I needed. She said that she would do better and work on things, but things stayed the same. After years of feeling like I wasn't her #1 and feeling neglected physically and emotionally, we had our first real fight. I wanted more and she seemed numb to my feelings. She could not understand where I was coming from. I came home from work the next day and she was gone. She recruited some friends and moved out while I was at work. After 6 years of being together, she gave up after our first real argument.

The next day she came over to get some things that she had left, and boom we were back together. We agreed to go to couples therapy and try to work things out. We hashed out our issues in therapy and she was diagnosed with having high functioning Asperger's. It is now 3 years later with continued therapy and medications, and she still does not want to accept the diagnosis. Our relationship is still in the same state. I would compare our relationship to roommates.
When she left 3 years ago she told me that she would never leave me again unless I told her to. Yet a lot of times when I voice my emotions to her, she says maybe she should just leave. I told her that every time she says that it hurts less and less. This past weekend she said it again and I agreed with her.

I feel hurt and numb. She appears to have no problem walking out after 9 years. She talks about it as if it's just another chore added to the list. She's just living life, trying to find a new place to live. I'm lost. I have tried to be understanding, but I cannot wrap my head around someone who is completely null of emotion. I try to be understanding and keep her diagnosis in mind while discussing "real" issues with her, but somethings I just have a hard time with accepting.

I know that if I told her that I wanted to work things out she would jump right in and agree. I know here enough to know that she is hiding her emotions, but that doesn't make it right in my mind. I have an internal battle with myself. I told her that I made a mistake 3 years ago with wanting to reconcile our relationship. If that wouldn't have happened, she would not know that she had Asperger's, she would not be on medication, she would not be in counseling/therapy, and we would have moved on by now. She didn't say anything of value.

Any input would be appreciated.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

AnnaIrene said:


> Hello Everyone.
> 
> My wife is 49, I am 39 (female). For the most part we get along, care for one another, and support one another. We have been together 9 years, but we have called it quits.
> 
> ...


Yea, sorry, I have to agree with you.

It seems like you've done everything you could (above and beyond actually) to find happiness with her. There comes a time when you have to prioritize yourself and your own life. Being in a one-sided relationship is no fun at all, but there's always that little hope that something might change or a light might come on. It doesn't come. Disappointment comes. It's time. Cut her loose.

Best of luck to you.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

AnnaIrene said:


> Hello Everyone.
> 
> My wife is 49, I am 39 (female). For the most part we get along, care for one another, and support one another. We have been together 9 years, but we have called it quits.
> 
> ...


You are 39 years old and still young.
Sometimes we may find ourselves in situations whereas life seems to be going around in endless circles and need to break the mode and move on while you are still young enough to make a fresh start.
In your case it appears like you are banging your head against a brick wall and the only nice thing about that is when you stop.
Think about it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think it’s best for you to just let go.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are young enough but quickly running out of time. Get out and move on quickly.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

A few things come to mind. The way you describe things it sounds like she is depressed. Or has depression. Also at 49 she is probably going into menopause . Her Hormones might really be off , which might cause the indifference. 

I don't know , it sounds like your relationship has run its course . 

I know you are really hurting 💔 
I'm sorry for that....

An old man once told me , it's OK to look back , just don't look too long , you might not like what you see.

9yrs is a long time to invest in a relationship. You really need to look at your future. Really think about it. Sounds like the passion is gone. 

Please don't smoke the Hopium Pipe thinking that things will get better. They won't. 

Live with it or get Rid of it

Best wishes , Jimi


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As this is a long term, established pattern, I don’t see how anything would fundamentally improve on a long term, permanent basis.

if you are OK with being roommates for the next 30 years until she dies when you are 70, then I guess you can simply do nothing.

But if you want to experience physical intimacy and passion again, it will likely need to be with someone else.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> As this is a long term, established pattern, I don’t see how anything would fundamentally improve on a long term, permanent basis.
> 
> if you are OK with being roommates for the next 30 years until she dies when you are 70, then I guess you can simply do nothing.
> 
> But if you want to experience physical intimacy and passion again, it will likely need to be with someone else.



100 %


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You do realize Asperger's effects how they feel things and how they express things.

It does seem that you two are not meant to be.


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

Thank you all for your advice.
I have asked her if she is depressed, and she says no. I have asked her what she talks about with her therapist and she says she really doesn't know. Menopause hit her a year ago, and so this has been going on before then.
Her family and friends have asked me if she is okay. She has surely changed and almost unrecognizable. 
Leaving her will be the easiest/hardest thing I've ever done, trying to work things out would be the hardest/easiest thing.
We have hit a comfort zone with one another and not having her in my life will be absolutely terrible. 
Part of me is angry that she has not fought for us, part of me is sympathetic because she has Asperger's.
I know things will not change. I have done a lot of acceptance over the years but there also needs to be compromise that I haven't had. 
Thank you all for listening and responding. It does help.


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> You do realize Asperger's effects how they feel things and how they express things.
> 
> It does seem that you two are not meant to be.


I do realize.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AnnaIrene said:


> I do realize.


So the bottom line is she can't provide you with what you desire.

No more than if she asked you to stop expressing your feelings.


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So the bottom line is she can't provide you with what you desire.
> 
> No more than if she asked you to stop expressing your feelings.


I have accepted that there is no romance in our relationship. I have accepted that we are not going to see eye to eye. Believe me I have stopped expressing my feelings on a lot of things. I pick and choose my battles. 

All I have asked from her since she has been diagnosed is communication.

This last "argument" we had was over nonsense. I wanted to plan a trip for her birthday. She then planned a trip with her family. Instead of discussing it with me she made the plans and then came home and told me what she was doing. She was going out of town with her family.
When I told her that that hurt my feelings, she said that she keeps hurting my feelings and maybe we don't need to be together. And I agreed this time. 

Can someone with Asperger's have communication issues? I'm asking that sincerely. Is that to be expected? She certainly communicated with her family.


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

AnnaIrene said:


> I have accepted that there is no romance in our relationship. I have accepted that we are not going to see eye to eye. Believe me I have stopped expressing my feelings on a lot of things. I pick and choose my battles.
> 
> All I have asked from her since she has been diagnosed is communication.
> 
> ...


I need to clarify, I know that they can have communication issues, but to this extent? Blatantly so?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

AnnaIrene said:


> I need to clarify, I know that they can have communication issues, but to this extent? Blatantly so?


I don't think it really matters... the answer to this question. Does it?

You are at the end of your rope and rightfully so.
Take the steps and get out of this situation.

Sorry OP, even when it's a bad relationship, you will hurt. Treat the next phase of this like you would the loss of a loved one. Grieve properly.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When a relationship becomes one-sided, meaning one person is constantly giving in, accepting that there will be no romance (even though they want it), and walking on eggshells, it's time to move on. Don't mistake your comfort and fear of leaving, for ''fighting for love.'' 

My vote is to let go and move on.


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I don't think it really matters... the answer to this question. Does it?
> 
> You are at the end of your rope and rightfully so.
> Take the steps and get out of this situation.
> ...


I guess it doesn't matter. Just looking for something I shouldn't be looking for. Hope has kept us going this long, but I obviously am not the one to make her want to do better. I do want her to be happy and I need to accept that isn't something I can do for her.
I think I'm in the denial stage.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

AnnaIrene said:


> I do want her to be happy and I need to accept that isn't something I can do for her.


I've been there in a little different way. That's a rough burden to take on.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AnnaIrene said:


> I need to clarify, I know that they can have communication issues, but to this extent? Blatantly so?


My two nephews have Asperger's and what I've learned with them is that they are just socially unaware. They tend to have a couple of things they are almost obsessed about, and they have good language and ability to communicate for those things. For all the rest, they don't really have language to communicate well.

For example, my one nephew holds a job in IT at a bank. His obsessions are computers, finance, and a bit of gaming, so he could talk to you animatedly for HOURS about computers, finance on a federal and theoretical basis, and his games, the characters, the strategies etc. But ask him to tell you about his feelings or remember a birthday? Nope. Not to give him an "excuse" but he just doesn't seem to be able to express well, even though he does HAVE the feelings. Likewise, he has ZERO clue if someone is flirting with him or mad at him, doesn't pick up on "hints" AT ALL, and can't really read body language or sarcasm. From what I can tell, I think it all hits him the same way: exactly at face value. If something has innuendo or nuance, he doesn't "get it" because he just is not aware of its existence.

In your case, @AnnaIrene, you wrote "._..She appears to have no problem walking out after 9 years. She talks about it as if it's just another chore added to the list. She's just living life, trying to find a new place to live._" Honestly, I suspect that may be what it's like for her--face value. YOU get all the emotional nuance and social implications--and that just may not be something she's capable of.

So if I were you, I'd ask myself if I could accept her as the unique and valuable person she is...*AS she is*...or not. If you can not, that's okay--that just means she's not a match for you. But if you can see her and accept her as she is, it may actually help if you deeply investigated Asperger's and understood it more fully...like take a class on it or speak to a counselor about it yourself to learn more! My guess is that some of the things that you find so incredibly hurtful and slighting are actually things that have to do with her diagnosis that are just "her"--she does not have social awareness. It is a blank...nothing. Thus, it's not meant personally, just not within her realm of understanding. Make sense?

Finally, I want to encourage you by saying that if you are honest with yourself and just can not do this, that really is okay. That's honesty! She may not be a good match for you. You may not be a good match for her. It is right and reasonable to say "I have considered this and I have decided I can't do this."


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> My two nephews have Asperger's and what I've learned with them is that they are just socially unaware. They tend to have a couple of things they are almost obsessed about, and they have good language and ability to communicate for those things. For all the rest, they don't really have language to communicate well.
> 
> For example, my one nephew holds a job in IT at a bank. His obsessions are computers, finance, and a bit of gaming, so he could talk to you animatedly for HOURS about computers, finance on a federal and theoretical basis, and his games, the characters, the strategies etc. But ask him to tell you about his feelings or remember a birthday? Nope. Not to give him an "excuse" but he just doesn't seem to be able to express well, even though he does HAVE the feelings. Likewise, he has ZERO clue if someone is flirting with him or mad at him, doesn't pick up on "hints" AT ALL, and can't really read body language or sarcasm. From what I can tell, I think it all hits him the same way: exactly at face value. If something has innuendo or nuance, he doesn't "get it" because he just is not aware of its existence.
> 
> ...


First of all, thank you for the response. Talking with someone else who has relations to someone with Asperger's helps. 
You are correct, she struggles with nuance. One of the exercises she does is to pause whatever we are watching on tv and ask what does that face mean? She's usually blown away from my answer. She is clueless to anyone flirting with her. I have a dry sense of humor and so I have to tell her that's a joke or I'm playing. I do try to understand these things about her.
There is no doubt in my mind that she is a valuable person and I'd punch anyone in the face who says otherwise. She is the most kindhearted person. I in no way think she is less than. I'm on the internet complaining about her, but she has so many great qualities.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She had the Asperger’s back when you first got together and things were great, so you can’t solely blame everything on Asperger’s.

All relationships change over time regardless if anyone has any mental or personality disorders are not.

look up “lesbian bed death.” You are far from alone regardless of Asperger’s.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AnnaIrene said:


> First of all, thank you for the response. Talking with someone else who has relations to someone with Asperger's helps.
> You are correct, she struggles with nuance. One of the exercises she does is to pause whatever we are watching on tv and ask what does that face mean? She's usually blown away from my answer. She is clueless to anyone flirting with her. I have a dry sense of humor and so I have to tell her that's a joke or I'm playing. I do try to understand these things about her.
> There is no doubt in my mind that she is a valuable person and I'd punch anyone in the face who says otherwise. She is the most kindhearted person. I in no way think she is less than. I'm on the internet complaining about her, but she has so many great qualities.


Yep I totally get that--and yet in real life you may be a person who needs a partner who "gets" nuance and has a dry sense of humor also. We all have emotional needs! As an example, my personality type is INFP and my exH was an ESTJ. Trying to even talk to him was VERY difficult because our personalities were dymetrically opposed, so even though we did try to understand each other, we just didn't "get" each other. I discovered that I need a partner in life who is closer to my personality type...like an INTP or and ENFP (although Introvert/Extrovert can be a hard difference too). Likewise, I came from a background of physical and verbal abuse as a child and teen, and physical and verbal abuse with my first husband (the exH)...and I discovered that I need a partner in life who is emotionally calm and steady. Now to some folks--maybe a STRONG Feeler or an animated Italian--being with a peaceful, consistent, stable, routine partner would feel AWFUL, because they'd perceive it as boring or flat. Because I have some trauma/PTSD that feels very comforting to me, because I know what's expected and feel soothed. Make sense? You need what you need. 

On the other hand, it is entirely possible that some of the things you find so hurtful are not things she means in a hurtful way--they are just "beyond her." For example, regarding your first fight, you wrote: "_ ... I wanted more and she seemed numb to my feelings. She could not understand where I was coming from. I came home from work the next day and she was gone. She recruited some friends and moved out while I was at work. After 6 years of being together, she gave up after our first real argument._" Based on the way you wrote it, I think you felt VERY hurt by this--you had been feeling neglected for some years, you fought about it, she "didn't get it", and she just moved out. As a person who doesn't have Asperger's I hear in that writing an insinuation that you felt "less than" for a long time and when she just moved right out, it confirmed that you weren't all that important to her. BUT TO AN ASPERGER'S PERSON, what it may have been like for her is that you said you wanted more and she has no clue what that means...more what? She didn't "feel numb" to your feelings--just is unaware what that means and how that connects to her and her world as if that piece of her brain is just missing. She could not understand where you were coming from because she literally does NOT empathize or have emotional understanding--she may comprehend but it's like asking a blind person to see--they just can't. And during the fight you and I might realize that hurtful words are said in the heat of battle and not really meant, but an Asperger's person takes things at face value! So you let her know it wasn't working out for you and maybe words were said to the effect of "maybe we should end this" and she took that at face value and did what you said--moved out. See what I mean? NO nuance. NO social/relational understanding. YES, there are "rules to follow" and they can mimick "if someone does or says ABC it means XYZ" but of their own accord it's like they don't read between the lines. 

Sooo...how does an Asperger's person show love? Well, they are like that partner who says "Why should I tell you I love you? I told you that in 1952. Nothing has changed." LOL They might also do daily routine things that to them seems like showing consistent love/caring--like making the bed so you don't have to, or packing your lunch, or reading to you at night. They might not initiate things (from sex to dates or events), but they do enthusiastically join you when you ask, so to them that means they are showing interest! They might not notice when you feel sad, lonely, or hurt but that's because they don't receive those emotional cues...and if you say something right out loud, they still might not know "the rule" for how to respond appropriately so they freeze and do nothing. They might show love by being very honest and upfront, because to them that means they are sharing, but to you it might feel like they are being blunt and have no filter!

I almost wonder if a "Partners of Asperger's" support group or forum might not be a good idea for you!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


AnnaIrene said:



Hope has kept us going this long.....

Click to expand...

*Yeah, it's time to put down the Hopium pipe, don't you think?


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## AnnaIrene (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> A few things come to mind. The way you describe things it sounds like she is depressed. Or has depression. Also at 49 she is probably going into menopause . Her Hormones might really be off , which might cause the indifference. I don't know , it sounds like your relationship has run its course . I know you are really hurting 💔 I'm sorry for that.... An old man once told me , it's OK to look back , just don't look too long , you might not like what you see. 9yrs is a long time to invest in a relationship. You really need to look at your future. Really think about it. Sounds like the passion is gone. Please don't smoke the Hopium Pipe thinking that things will get better. They won't. Live with it or get Rid of it Best wishes , Jimi


 I just need to get this out and them I'm done I think. I went hiking today and "it sounds like your relationship has ran it's course" really stuck with me today. It's as simple as that, it's ran it's course. It's no ones fault, there's no one to blame, no one was right or wrong, we both tried our best. As much as I love her and will terribly miss her, it's time to say our goodbye's. One thing that really made me sad is that she said that she has sacrificed for me. That hurts my heart. I know that she loves her family and that's what she has sacrificed. I've told her a hundred times that I feel like her family comes first. For the first 5 years or so she would go every other weekend and spend it with her family. She would leave work on a Friday afternoon and come home sometime on Sunday, every other weekend. I told her a hundred times that I do not mind going and spending the day with her family and coming home, but that I did not want to spend a couple of nights. In my mind she had two choices, either continue with her routine or compromise with me and we could spend time together with her family. In my mind, she did not choose to include me. In her mind, she didn't even consider the second option and everything was good, her words. After about 5 years she stopped spending the night with her family except for holidays and special occasions. I think this is where we peaked. She sacrificed her family for me, her words. I told her not to stop going when she first stopped, but after that I never encouraged her to start it again. I knew it would tear us apart. I knew it and did nothing about it. I'm not perfect. She's not perfect. Sadly our not perfects just can't mesh together anymore. We have ran our course.


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