# Saddest Week of My Life



## Losing My Favorite Person (Feb 10, 2012)

My wife of nearly 17 years has decided she wants to end our marriage. We had a loving, joyful, passionate, respectful marriage, and we have three beautiful daughters. Six months ago she saw her ex-fiance at a mutual friend's party, and they began an emotional affair for a month and a half. Since it ended we've both been in individual therapy and couples therapy. However, she just can't get this guy out of her head -- the intense connection they felt for one another was intoxicating. Now that we're facing the practial nightmare of divorce, including the fact that we will no longer be partners and lovers, she's overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. She cries all the time and wants me to hold her.Yet, she still wants to move forward with divorce. I'm convinced she's in the midst of a midlife crisis and will not find happiness on her own or with this man (who is married, by the way). She's not open to convincing, but I think time without me might show her how tough life will be apart. What can I do to save our family?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you contacted the OMW and exposed the affair , which btw sounds like it is still active in someway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

When she wants you to hold her, don't let her. 

She's got to realize what it's going to be like without you. 

Back off to the extent that can without losing your legal advantage, as in, move to another room but not another residence without proper legal advice. Sometimes a separation can work assuming of course that she has a change of mind and you're willing to forgive.


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

Stay postive. You have to take care of yourself and your 3 girls. You wife is being selfish and if the ex is married chances are is he is not going to divorce. People want what they can't have so make your self less avaliable. I know it is hard, but it will help you no matter what happens. Remember even if you two don't fight in front of your girls they can tell something is going on. I suggest going to divorcecare.org and look for a group to join. You can talk to other people about what is going on, it will help you start healing and teach you how to be a better spouse. You can start applying it to her when she starts coming around. I wish you the best of luck. Save your marriage!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

You look to have doubled up here, so I'll write what I did in your other thread:



Losing My Favorite Person said:


> She cries all the time and wants me to hold her.


That's one thing you should not do. She wants a divorce so bad, tell her Christmas has arrived early this year and you'd prefer if she moved out immediately -- because you are already excited about the prospect of life without having to deal with her mid-life nonsense. That's your only chance. Be a sap and you'll end up sorry.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I am 9 months from dday of an 18 yr marriage. You have a long road ahead of you and I won't lie, its very tough. 
Wishing you all the best x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Her tears are for the boyfriend not you. Ask her to leave immediately and I would say you need to be the driver of the divorce. I'm divorcing my wife of 21 years as we speak, so I know the hell you are going through. Try the 180 and detach from your wife. There are links to it all over this site. You need to quit emotionally supporting your wife, no more hugs or any affection at all. She will pull you down into hell if you let her. Put all your love on your daughters. You need to be strong for them. Start the divorce proceedings, do a hard 180 and show your wife the door. My guess is she and her boyfriend are still in contact. That's why the counseling is not working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she was really done with the BF, she wouldn't be crying as much as she would be working her tail off to repair the marriage.

Instead she's crying for the BF. BTW - if they were ex-fiances then do you really think it was only an EA?


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## Losing My Favorite Person (Feb 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you contacted the OMW and exposed the affair , which btw sounds like it is still active in someway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't believe they're in contact, but she's clearly not fully engaged with me.


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## Losing My Favorite Person (Feb 10, 2012)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> My wife of nearly 17 years has decided she wants to end our marriage. We had a loving, joyful, passionate, respectful marriage, and we have three beautiful daughters. Six months ago she saw her ex-fiance at a mutual friend's party, and they began an emotional affair for a month and a half. Since it ended we've both been in individual therapy and couples therapy. However, she just can't get this guy out of her head -- the intense connection they felt for one another was intoxicating. Now that we're facing the practial nightmare of divorce, including the fact that we will no longer be partners and lovers, she's overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. She cries all the time and wants me to hold her.Yet, she still wants to move forward with divorce. I'm convinced she's in the midst of a midlife crisis and will not find happiness on her own or with this man (who is married, by the way). She's not open to convincing, but I think time without me might show her how tough life will be apart. What can I do to save our family?


Just had dinner with my wife and she revealed that she's been in sporadic contact with the OM throughout the past months, when she was supposedly working on our relationship. Ironically, she's still terrified at the thought of leaving me. I'm sticking with the plan of a separation. I have faith that she will realize I'm the right man for her, or I will realize she's NOT the right woman for me. I'm just scared about the path to figure that all out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> Just had dinner with my wife and she revealed that she's been in sporadic contact with the OM throughout the past months, when she was supposedly working on our relationship. Ironically, she's still terrified at the thought of leaving me. I'm sticking with the plan of a separation. I have faith that she will realize I'm the right man for her, or I will realize she's NOT the right woman for me. I'm just scared about the path to figure that all out.


Well now you know.

Btw, sporadic mst likely means frequent and it is most likely a physical affair. So separation is just gving her permission to carry oftye affair while you play nice and sit back and do nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit being her stooge. Tell the OM's wife and expose the affair to friends, relatives and everyone. Don't bother with separation go directly to divorce. You need to knock her off the fence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> Just had dinner with my wife and she revealed that she's been in sporadic contact with the OM throughout the past months, when she was supposedly working on our relationship. Ironically, she's still terrified at the thought of leaving me. I'm sticking with the plan of a separation. I have faith that she will realize I'm the right man for her, or I will realize she's NOT the right woman for me. I'm just scared about the path to figure that all out.


The best path is to tell her that you want her to move out NOW because you can't stick liars. The more you wiffle-waffle, the more she will get convinced that she can double-dip. The being terrified is a put-on of the first order. She wants you for all the no-fun stuff and him for all the fun stuff. Start there and give her the boot. She'll either come crawling back and settle in comfortably under your thumb and your thumb alone, or she'll run off to him and it'll be no loss anyway.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tell her you want a divorce, and do the 180 on her. Maybe if she gets her head out of her fourth point of contact, you guys can reconcile later.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Lies... be wary of them. read about trickle truth. 

might they were meeting a little more frequently. maybe they met a few times.. maybe they met more than a few times...she might have kissed him once..or maybe more than once..maybe they did hook up ..

You see where this is going..Just dont trust her blindly now


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## Losing My Favorite Person (Feb 10, 2012)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> Just had dinner with my wife and she revealed that she's been in sporadic contact with the OM throughout the past months, when she was supposedly working on our relationship. Ironically, she's still terrified at the thought of leaving me. I'm sticking with the plan of a separation. I have faith that she will realize I'm the right man for her, or I will realize she's NOT the right woman for me. I'm just scared about the path to figure that all out.


I'm well aware at this point that she's not trustworthy. I'm also aware that a separation will give her the ability to pursue the OM. However, it will also give me permission to pursue other women. I'm struggling with the sadness that I have to let go of the love of my life. I'm not a game player, and therefore, I have to let this play out. She may end up with the OM, or she may not. I know now that I certainly don't want her until I know I'm her preference NOT her fallback.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't compromise your principles. Don't be like her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Tell her you want a divorce, and do the 180 on her. Maybe if she gets her head out of her fourth point of contact, you guys can reconcile later.


Somebody needs to give him the 180 link.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Here is the 180 link. Sounds like you need this badly.

The 180 Rules


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

You need to tell her boyfriend's wife....


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LMFP, I have to agree with others, she is either in the marriage or not and her actions show that she is not all in. The sooner YOU take to show her you won't have it this way the sooner she will have to get off the fence. The longer she is on the fence the more and more she despises you and transfers blame of everything on to you, if you don't put a stop to it you will just keep accepting all the blame and enabling your own misery. I agree with others, use the 180, give her what she is asking for and let her go by filing divorce. When she wakes from her fog, maybe then she will see how foolish she has been and express some genuine remorse, but don't expect that from her, make her bust her @ss to EARN your respect and trust again - when you embrace the 180 it will give you the objectivity to know with confidence what you want in your OWN life.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> I'm well aware at this point that she's not trustworthy. I'm also aware that a separation will give her the ability to pursue the OM. However, it will also give me permission to pursue other women. I'm struggling with the sadness that I have to let go of the love of my life. I'm not a game player, and therefore, I have to let this play out. She may end up with the OM, or she may not. I know now that I certainly don't want her until I know I'm her preference NOT her fallback.


LMFP,

You came to this sight for answers and based on what I have seen over the last year you have been given sound advice from people who have been where you are now. Do not waffle on this and do the mambly pambly separation thing. She needs a jolt and that jolt is a freshly printed divorce document.

My gut tells me that you will bring her out of the fog almost immediately. Everything else you are doing now are merely the perfunctory steps that almost everyone does when they first come here and they never work.


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