# A monster looking back



## one step at a time (May 2, 2011)

I cheated on my husband, lied about it, told half the truth, told the rest months later after him basically knowing it anyways and somehow my husband is still here.. I love him, us, what we could have been.. . I look at the person I love most and hate me for the pain I have caused and am causing him! I created this hurt, had no respect for him, for us, for our family and feel what I imagine it would feel like if I committed murder.. In a sense I did. I killed what our marriage was, and who we both were. I question myself.. Who the **** is this person that would do this?! Was i ever a good wife? Am I even a good mother? I thought nothing about potentially destroying her world while I texted the OM. I thought nothing about my husband who is my rock and my strength. In fact over the month leading up to the horrible night with the OM (my ex btw) I was texting the OM and got excited by him telling me how good I looked and how he wanted to touch me. Even after everything happened and I knew my H and I wanted to work it out I still lied about what really happened! Am I just a f&&@ing liar?! I am at a loss as to how I stop hating myself and move forward. Does it get easier? Will I ever not be terrified that my husband will see me like I do and leave (he has made it clear that if everything is not on the table he is gone and I completely understand)? Will I ever feel like I deserve to have such an amazing husband? Is this normal?! How do I make this right?
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Put it on the table and let it all out. 

Stop hiding, you will find your self hiding for the rest of your life. He may never find out the real truth, but he will feel it! So set the both of you free by being honest. 

You may not keep him, either way he will feel it from you or he will hear the truth from you, but give him the choice. 

Put your big girl pants on and own this sh*t, take it and own it. As wrong as it was own it with remorse for the rest of your life, but do not hide from it.

It sounds like you have learned a lesson and we can only hope your guy sees this. But for you.... you can open it up and get it all out there to be learned from and then throw it away. You will never get rid of it until you shine the ugly truth on it and expose it. then you can move on.

Move on knowing you have excepted the consequences and have women up to them no matter the out come.

Or keep it hidden and he will wonder and you will hate your self and as you walk away from each other you will wonder what could have been if you only would have spilled the whole truth so many months or years ago.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Be happy your hub has given you another chance.

Don't waste it.

Be honest with him and be open with him. Be the wife you never were and have always wanted to be.

Get counselling to help deal with your guilt. Absolutely no contact with OM.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Good Luck. Your husband is a remarkable person for letting you back in. One question though- Why is it that NOW you see what you truly had in him? For the life of me, I don't understand why cheaters always recognize their error after they had their "fill." I will never understand that. My wife told me I was the one she chose- Is that supposed to make me feel any better? YOU ****ING CHEATED ON ME! The damage is done.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. My wife told me I was the one she 'chose' too. Except to me it felt like second choice. Didn't mater in the end. After a while she started back up with OM again. So I guess I WAS second choice. Lol

The good difference here One Step is that U seem truly remorseful, which is the first true step to reconciliation. Yes. Work on your marriage. Work on both your healing. But also remember to work on WHY you cheated-some need in your marriage u weren't getting. Needs your husband wasn't getting. Fill those needs. It will make your bond stronger
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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

The way I see it is... we(BS) were ALWAYS the second choice! No matter how much she would plead with me to see it from HER perspective- It is; what it is. If I were first from the very beginning we wouldn't have this problem. Once I said that she knew we were at an impasse. I want to be "NUMERO UNO" at all times because she was always #1 for me.


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## one step at a time (May 2, 2011)

You are right. At one point you were the second choice. That is the worst part. The same mind that loves and appreciates my husband, " daydreamed" about what my life would be like with someone else. I have no interest in talking to the OM and the person that could tell me how he is doing I also no longer speak with ( not because there was temptation in knowing about him but because she isn't someone I want to be associated with). I love my husband deeply and want us to work. We have a chance and that is amazing. Now I am working on me to know that I am the person I want to be and the person we both deserve. I have a lot of growing to do and am terrified yet excited for it. Coming to terms with a lot of things. At the end of the day this is about me and what I am lacking in myself. I need to love myself and be proud of who I am to be able to be the wife my husband deserves. ( also my husband understands this and is EXTREMELY supportive of me working on me. I am very fortunate to have such a loving partner but will never forget what lead me on this journey to begin with) owning who I am is the first part of changing for the better! I don't have a crystal ball and nothing is garenteed but I am doing all I can to make us work. Hopefully that is enough. 

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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

One wrong decision can effect your whole entire life. You made that wrong decision. Your husband must love you a whole helluva allot to have you back. Be thankful that he is doing this as I am sure it is the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. Be prepared for a very long road. Even when you think he is over it, believe me, he isn't. Trust doesn't magically reappear once it is lost and sometime, it never comes back. 

You played Russian roulette with your marriage. I do hope for your sake the chamber is empty.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's not over yet by along shot. Wife took me back but it wasn't a pleasant ride for the next couple of years after D-day. Very rocky and could have still gone either way.

You're gonna have to swallow some of that pride for a while and eat a little bit of his anger. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you allow him to bottle it all up and lock away his hurt and anger. He needs it to let it come out to really heal. My wife and I found that out the hard way years later. She just let it rot and fester inside of her for the longest time before it came exploding out, like Mt. St. Helens.

We should be lucky we have spouses that would take us back instead of taking a bat to our behind and out of the house. BTW, they will always throw that into your teeth from time to time during heated arguments, get ready for it, ALWAYS. Well my wife does it but your husband might not.

Before when I went out, it was whatever when I got home I got home. Now when I go out, like 2 or 3 times a year lol, and the phone rings and the wife needs me home....It's time to go home. I've got a really short leash now, but you know what I created that leash so I'm the only to blame for it.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

There is a lot of forgiveness being demonstrated by this guy, and many others who have reconciled with their WS. Consider yourself(yourselves) VERY lucky. As I've been told, and me being a prime example, infidelity is just a deal-breaker for others. 

"daydreamed about what my life would be like with someone else."

If I may ask- Did you actually picture yourself with OM in this way? What do you feel now about those "daydreams"?


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## liteheaded (May 5, 2011)

I don't understand that about WS either. Hindsights always 20/20? IMO it'd be far worse to know that I ruined something that I loved with all my heart over a flash of poor judgement, than to be a DS(which I am). Ironic and sad truth for all the BLIND WSs out there is that you'll never have what you had from before and now the DS is gonna look at you differently, good or bad, for the rest of his/her life. There is hope for you if changes are made. He's proven and devoted his love TO you, not FOR you, since day one and it's even more apparent now since he's taken you back. Sort yourself out and give him a chance at being able to stand you again. Not love. STAND YOU. You've got a second chance. Be the PERSON you can look at in the mirror and you'll be the wife he can look at in the eye.
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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"DS is gonna look at you differently, good or bad, for the rest of his/her life."

No matter how far you have gotten into R, this will always linger. That is why I don't stay. How can you ever look at someone the same way again? For me, the biggest trigger is HER.


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## Taplow70 (Oct 13, 2009)

And I would add One Step at a Time, please let your husband know your feelings of love towards him. Not in an apologetic 'I messed up' way, but with a genuine feeling of wanting to restore that trust and bond that you had between yourselves for the rest of your lives.

I can say this because I've given my wife nearly two years to realise what a special thing our family was - throughout this time we still did many things together as a family with our children, and I had the feeling (and she's told others) that she missed what we had - she even told me she just got 'caught up in the moment'. Yet at the end of the day, she still goes 'home' to the OM. I even keep dropping the odd line or text suggesting we learn from this and build an even better relationship.

But I need HER to show a willingness to commit to our relationship and love, show commitment to not seeing or contacting the OM, and basically make ME feel that my trust in her, even after everything that has happened, has not been misplaced. 

But please tell your husband your feelings soon, for one never knows what will happen. Quite by chance, I met a really wonderful person the other night at a friend's party and after a lovely long conversation my mind was spinning...now I really don't know what to do any more!

Good luck! T.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Taplow70 said:


> Quite by chance, I met a really wonderful person the other night at a friend's party and after a lovely long conversation my mind was spinning...now I really don't know what to do any more!


WARNING. Consider that you are engaging in the same steps your wife took prior to her affair with the OM. You are on a slippery slope my friend and you could end up doing emotional damage to another human being. 

A relationship built where one of the partners still has strong feelings for their cheating spouse, can lead to heartbreak for everyone involved.


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## Taplow70 (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you Morituri, and I fully agree! I guess I wanted to emphasise to One Step that she should make the most of what sounds like a golden opportunity to build a strong and lasting relationship and not to let that chance slip away. I'll certainly be treading carefully though...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Taplow70 said:


> Thank you Morituri, and I fully agree! I guess I wanted to emphasise to One Step that she should make the most of what sounds like a golden opportunity to build a strong and lasting relationship and not to let that chance slip away. I'll certainly be treading carefully though...


I'm glad to hear this. I would hate for anybody who has gone through the pain of an affair, to have to go through another emotional ordeal this time brought by a premature committed relationship.

I wish you much success in your life Taplow70.


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