# Nothing is wrong, but I'm not happy.



## joslin (Dec 14, 2014)

When I say nothing is wrong, I should say nothing has changed. I have been married almost 13 years. We have 4 boys together. We are friends. We have satisfying sex, but something is just not there. I'm not happy. I'm bored, and that's been for years now. I'm not selfish by nature, and he is a great guy so I've been just going through the motions hoping to feel happy eventually. He is very much in love with me, which of course makes me feel worse. I honestly don't think anything will ever come of it, because I do love him and don't want to devastate him. But what becomes of my life, my one life? Is this it for me?? I'd love for this to be a phase. Can phases last upwards of 3 years? How can I love him so much, but want something else? I don't have any one person in mind. I just know that I'm not happy and I know what's making me unhappy. What I don't know is how to fix it. Any words of wisdom appreciated!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How much time do you guys spend alone together? Do you go on dates? With 4 kids you gotta work around to keep the spark going. It's easy to get in a rut.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

In an earlier thread you were advised to pursue interests/hobbies and carve out some "you" time each week. How has that gone?

It's pretty common to lose your own identity in the day-to-day routine of job/house/kids. It's important to note, though, that you are responsible for your own happiness, not your husband or anyone else. I'm concerned that you may have this "yearning", for lack of a better word, for someone else to make you happy. If so, you're headed down a dead-end street.


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## joslin (Dec 14, 2014)

We are working on spending more time together and it has helped with him at least. As for alone time for myself, I think I have few more years before I get any of that! I do believe that we are responsible for our own happiness, but that's not to say I don't try and play the blame game when I'm not. In the general sense of the word, I am happy, but he isn't. He's sort of a cranky guy and I feel like the devil saying this but I'm not happy with him. I love him like a best a friend. I want to love him like all women want to love their husbands. We're opposites, he's happy when he's with me, but not generally so and I am generally happy, but not with him. Not placing blame because after thirteen years and witnessing many friends relationships end, I know it takes two to tango.. My endgame is to fix this! But how???


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Jeez, this getting more and more common these days. As my sister will say "rich people's problems".

Have you tried counselling?, there are a ton of books someone will suggest for you guys to read. What about IC, what is it about yourself that you might not be happy about? You guys felt into a rut and need a kick in the arse, lacking passion?, DO SOMETHING, anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joslin said:


> We are working on spending more time together and it has helped with him at least. As *for alone time for myself, I think I have few more years before I get any of that!* I do believe that we are responsible for our own happiness, but that's not to say I don't try and play the blame game when I'm not. In the general sense of the word, I am happy, but he isn't. He's sort of a cranky guy and I feel like the devil saying this but I'm not happy with him. I love him like a best a friend. I want to love him like all women want to love their husbands. We're opposites, he's happy when he's with me, but not generally so and I am generally happy, but not with him. Not placing blame because after thirteen years and witnessing many friends relationships end, I know it takes two to tango.. My endgame is to fix this! But how???


How many children do you have?
How old are your children? 


I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They can help you restructure your marriage in a way that that fixes a lot of this. Get him to read them with you and both of you do the work that they suggest.

Yes, phases in marriage can last years, 3 years an more are no unusual.

In the end you are responsible for your happiness. Fixing your marriage is part of that. Finding alone time and interests of your own are also part of it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To have a happy marriage, he has to meet your emotional needs, and you have to meet his emotional needs. Doing this drives feelings of love between you. What are your emotional needs? A good book would be His Needs / Her Needs. To have your needs met, you have to dedicate togetherness time.


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## joslin (Dec 14, 2014)

First off thanks to everyone for their advice. I plan on looking into ways to better serve my own happiness, which has been on the back burner since my childhood. But that's another story! I like working out, but he doesn't want me joining a gym and I live in the boonies so no one wants to drive out and work out with me. I do drive to some friends house occasionally but life is busy. Don't have time for alot of hobbies, maybe I'll take up bowling or something! We are most definitely not rich, in fact we struggle to make ends meet. I'm in college full time, almost done, so hopefully that won't be a forever thing. Again thanks everyone!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

so you are married, 4 kids and in college. That is a lot of stress and little time for fun. I ithink you need to put off any big decisions until you are done with school. You should start having a lot more time then, to work on the M and/or yourself.


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

Joslin,

It sounds like a rut to me. Your life has become stagnant. You are in college full time. You take care of 4 children. You have a H who is 'generally not happy'. He sounds like he is in the same rut, but has you to help him keep going if like you said, he is happy when with you.

When you are overwhelmed with life, you have to figure out a way to take a mental break every now and then. What is a hobby you have always loved to do? Have you done that lately? 

I also advise the His Needs/Her Needs and find out those emotional needs with each other. I'm assuming he has no idea that you are unhappy in the relationship. This seems like a classic case of ILYBINILWY. I believe the true love is still there, but you will have to work to reinvent the marriage. 

Please work at this now before it is too late or you possibly do something you would regret.

One other thing in regards to working out...have you thought about something like P90X3 to work out at home? They are 30 minute workouts that vary in intensity based on what you can do. You do it right from your own home. It could fit into your schedule much better than a gym membership.


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