# Husband Contacting Escorts



## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

I need some help, or maybe just need to share. I joined this forum just now, to share my story and hear some advice. Hopefully that is OK.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and they have been rocky. We have 2 young children, 4 years and 18 months. For the last year we have been seeing a counselor for financial infidelity issues (he has charged up a cc, stolen money from our children's accounts, borrowed large sums from family members behind my back, and other stuff). Our communication has improved, and so has our sex life. We were doing well the last few months, I thought.

He has always guarded his phone like it was Fort Knox. From the time we starting dating, touching his phone has been a no-no. He even tackled me once when I was pregnant and I started looking at it. Naturally, this has piqued my interest and I take advantage of opportunities to look at it every now and then (I know this is unhealthy, and I also know that I wouldn't be so curious if he wouldn't be so guarded).

Well, I got a chance last night and I found a lot that I didn't want to see. He has a group chat with a bunch of friends and he was bragging about meeting some prostitutes from backpage.com. He even sent them all a few pictures of a naked woman on a bed. Some of his friends were sharing similar things.

Unable to contain myself, I confronted him about this first thing this morning. I told him what I saw and he was pretty speechless. After playing dumb for a few minutes, he eventually admitted that he had texted the escort service to find out more info and they sent back the pics, which he sent to his buddies. He said that he was just curious and he would never follow through.

I feel humiliated and just totally disgusted by what he's done. I just don't understand why someone would brag about infidelity to their friends and laugh about it like the vows of a marriage mean nothing. He has gone from being incredulous and insisting that he has done nothing wrong to being very apologetic, saying that he feels horrible about the person he is. I think he is just doing and saying what he needs to keep me around. I have come close to leaving many times and I've heard all the lies before.

I want to leave, but I'd hate for the kids to grow up in a broken home. Therapy was good for us, but seeing our therapist and telling her about this would really humiliate me and I don't think it would help. I just honestly don't want to try to make it work anymore, I want out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

heartbroken101 said:


> I need some help, or maybe just need to share. I joined this forum just now, to share my story and hear some advice. Hopefully that is OK.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and they have been rocky. We have 2 young children, 4 years and 18 months. For the last year we have been seeing a counselor for financial infidelity issues (he has charged up a cc, stolen money from our children's accounts, borrowed large sums from family members behind my back, and other stuff). Our communication has improved, and so has our sex life. We were doing well the last few months, I thought.
> 
> ...


There's more that's he's not telling you... much, much more...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

heartbroken101 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and they have been rocky.
> 
> For the last year we have been seeing a counselor for financial infidelity issues (he has charged up a cc, *stolen money from our children's accounts*, borrowed large sums from family members behind my back, and other stuff).
> 
> ...


Your kids *already *live in a broken home. Yours is not a healthy home with a healthy relationship. 

Your children are seeing this play out between you and are learning that THIS is how marriage is. Is that really better than showing them that they should respect themselves enough to leave unhealthy relationships with unhealthy people?


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

norajane said:


> Your kids *already *live in a broken home. Yours is not a healthy home with a healthy relationship.
> 
> Your children are seeing this play out between you and are learning that THIS is how marriage is. Is that really better than showing them that they should respect themselves enough to leave unhealthy relationships with unhealthy people?


Thank you so much for that. He keeps telling me that divorcing would be so horrible for the kids, and selfish for me, that the kids needs mom and dad to be together. But you're so right, this is not what I want them to think is normal and healthy.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We see so many people here whose impulses are to hold on to broken marriages no matter what. They often say that it is for the children.

You are already far ahead of most of these people in that you are prepared to consider divorce. I believe that your children would be better off in a healthier atmosphere, without the toxicity of what your WH brings to the table. Not all divorces are bad for children. Some are necessary and healthy.

You've been exposed to STD's. You should be tested. Please know that all cheaters say that they were 'curious,' they contacted but 'didn't follow through,' the pictures were sent to them, they didn't take them. Ad nauseum. Your WH is right on target for the typical cheater's script. And his friends are toxic enablers. Their whole group is busy cheating and revelling in it.

I hope you will represent a story in which the betrayed stands up for herself and tells the cheater to leave. I hope you follow through on your instinct to divorce.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

heartbroken101 said:


> Thank you so much for that. He keeps telling me that divorcing would be so horrible for the kids, and selfish for me, that the kids needs mom and dad to be together. But you're so right, this is not what I want them to think is normal and healthy.



Manipulation tactic and a desperate attempt to hold on and eat his cake. He wasn't all that concerned about the kids when he was doing hookers was he? And he was doing them. 

If you're buying his bs it's because for whatever reason you're not ready to leave. That's ok, it might be a process.

Don't ever accept him calling you selfish again. Seriously, tell him to fvck off. Coming from him that's rich.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

heartbroken101 said:


> Thank you so much for that. He keeps telling me that divorcing would be so horrible for the kids, and selfish for me, that the kids needs mom and dad to be together. But you're so right, this is not what I want them to think is normal and healthy.


Hes wrong. You can both be good parents, but apart. Not with me as my ex is a waste of space, but there are plenty of decent fathers out there that can be a good parent apart.

Some men are great fathers, but lousy husbands. I disagree that divorcing is bad for the kids. Is it not bad for the kids where one parent is unfaithful and treating their spouse like crap?. And they have to live it all to?.

Your not selfish if you choose to leave him, hes the selfish one, hes the one that is contacting escorts and prostitutes.

Kids do NOT need a mother and father to be together, they do need their parents, but not necessarily together. they can be good parents apart, many people do it every day. Hes just trying to make you feel bad, so you have to put up with his crap.

This behaviour of is is unhealthy nothing your doing.


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

Thank you all for your wise words. I did contact an attorney today.

He has had too many "last chances" to count. We have been down this road before, and way too many times I've said "the next time I'm leaving." I've always meant it when I said it, but he has always been able to talk me off the ledge. This is the first time that infidelity has been the issue, and it has really destroyed any feelings that I've still had for him.

I know that divorce is the only option, and it's the right thing to do. But it's terrifying. There is a list of fears in my head that are looming. Maybe if I air them out I will feel better about the decision.

1. How can I afford to move out and continue to pay the mortgage? Will I take the kids out of daycare or let my husband keep them (they go to daycare at his work)? How will we split custody? The logistics of it all are difficult to comprehend.

2. I have to tell my friends and family. I have kept all of our problems secret and have never indicated our troubles to anyone, ever. My parents are anti-divorce and I would hate to disappoint them. And telling them the reason would be so embarrassing.

3. My husband is a great dad. I don't want to put the children in a war against him. I don't want to have a nasty battle for custody or child support. I just want out.

4. Maybe the list isn't as long as I thought. We already talked about the bad/selfish parent issue, which was always the way he was able to keep me from leaving. But I do believe that the kids would be better off in the long run.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

heartbroken101 said:


> Thank you so much for that. He keeps telling me that divorcing would be so horrible for the kids, and selfish for me, that the kids needs mom and dad to be together. But you're so right, this is not what I want them to think is normal and healthy.


It would be lovely if your children had a mom and dad together.

Sadly what they have been given by your husband is a mom, a dad, 20 to 30 prostitutes, their pimps and a whole gallimaufry of weird friends and ne'er-do-wells who think cheating is OK for married people.

So, if he will not change, what will you do next?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Others might not recommend this, or to wait until the divorce is finalized, but I would contact the wives of his friends that are also in this "cheaters club".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Others might not recommend this, or to wait until the divorce is finalized, but I would contact the wives of his friends that are also in this "cheaters club".


Yes!!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

heartbroken101 said:


> Thank you all for your wise words. I did contact an attorney today.
> 
> He has had too many "last chances" to count. We have been down this road before, and way too many times I've said "the next time I'm leaving." I've always meant it when I said it, but he has always been able to talk me off the ledge. This is the first time that infidelity has been the issue, and it has really destroyed any feelings that I've still had for him.
> 
> ...


I think you can see that all of these concerns are manageable. They aren't palatable, but they are manageable. A separation agreement in expectation of divorce is often the approach to some of your points, i.e., living situation & custody.

As far as being embarrassed to tell people, you can do whatever you want to there. Tell your parents in confidence about your marital history. If you don't want to go into details with others, then just don't do it. People understand that all sorts of things happen in marriages. And.....people see much more than we think they do. They may suspect more than you know.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Full std with hep and hiv like yesterday and tell his buddies wifes the same god I pray you are not brest feeding if you are he needs to have his a$$ handed to him


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

heartbroken101 said:


> I need some help, or maybe just need to share. I joined this forum just now, to share my story and hear some advice. Hopefully that is OK.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and they have been rocky. We have 2 young children, 4 years and 18 months. For the last year we have been seeing a counselor for financial infidelity issues (he has charged up a cc, stolen money from our children's accounts, borrowed large sums from family members behind my back, and other stuff). Our communication has improved, and so has our sex life. We were doing well the last few months, I thought.
> 
> ...


So sorry to hear you are in this position especially after having spent time in counselling. It sounds as if your husband has an all round major problem with honesty and transparency, first the financial infidelity and now this. You should not stay in a marriage where you are being treated like this. This man needs to face a good dose of reality and needs to know he is going to lose you unless he gets into shape quickly. Sadly it sounds like he is not a very trustworthy person on any level and this may be an uphill battle. 
You do not stay in a relationship for the kids as they will grow up thinking that your husband's behaviour is acceptable in a marriage. You have to tell him exactly that you have had enough of the crap he is doing to the marriage and you are planning to leave him. 

Follow through and get a seperation agreement. Ask him to move out but get your ducks in a row with regard to your financials, etc. There has to be major consequences and like someone else said here you only know the tip of the ice berg. This man is going to suck you dry and 20 years from now you will wish you had left.
I know your children are young which means you are young too, but you and they deserve much better that what you are getting from your H now. Do you have any family you can rely on at the moment?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

heartbroken101 said:


> Thank you all for your wise words. I did contact an attorney today.
> 
> He has had too many "last chances" to count. We have been down this road before, and way too many times I've said "the next time I'm leaving." I've always meant it when I said it, but he has always been able to talk me off the ledge. This is the first time that infidelity has been the issue, and it has really destroyed any feelings that I've still had for him.
> 
> ...


1. Why should you move out? He is the one who has been unfaithful and should move out. You get a separation order in hand and make him move out. Look up what are the legal requirements in your state/country. The separation order can include issues such as financing, child custody, visiting hours, etc. A good lawyer can help you with this.

2. Do you have a job with an income, are you paying all the bills, how much does he contribute?

3. You should not be embarrassed about telling your family. They love you and will want what is best for you. Tell them everything, why are you covering for your H? Only when we cover what our spouses do, we enable them to continue with it and treat us badly also. Expose him for what he is. 
Your family will probably wish you had told them earlier instead of carrying this burden alone. Sit your parents down and tell them everything. No parent wants to see their child suffer in silence.

4. You are being a responsible parent. You H dropped the ball and the family by engaging in all his selfish behavior with finances and women. He is fully responsible for this outcome. you do not take on the burden he created. You seem to have carried the weight long enough and gone back for more. If you don't do something about it now, you will be in the same position 20 years from now. Men like your H know how wives want to keep things together and take up the responsibility and be a door mat basically. You have to draw a line somewhere.


You will have difficult times ahead, but you can do this for a brighter and better future.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am so sorry you are here. Your story is similar to mine.

I kicked out my husband 3 weeks ago the minute I found out he had resorted to prostitution.

You must go and get a full STD screening, including HIV, Hepatitis B and C. Do it, like yesterday. Do NOT have sex with this man.

He is putting you and your children at risk (especially if you are still nursing the baby).


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

He is a jerk. First class jerk. 

Hookers.... Yuck!

Dump his a$$ to the curb. You deserve better than this human garbage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

I sat him down last night and told him that this time it is unforgivable. I told him that I had contacted a lawyer and I am going to file for divorce. He really lost his mind, saying that I was leaving him for something he didn't do. It was a horrible sight, and one I'll never forget. I don't think he thought I would ever actually leave. He must have thought I was bluffing. I think the reality set in last night and he took it very very hard.

He said a lot of silly things, like he would never see a prostitute because he has a daughter and he knows that it is someone else's daughter. But that didn't stop him from checking them out on the website and contacting them? Call me a fool, but I do believe him that he didn't actually meet one. Regardless, he made a joke out of our marriage, made a fool out of me, and did something unforgivable behind my back. I stand firm in feeling that I have to leave.

He told me he is going to make another appointment with the therapist, and I will go one more time to talk. I will also continue talking to the lawyer to figure out what I need to do. I am very doubtful that this marriage is fixable.


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

aine said:


> 1. Why should you move out? He is the one who has been unfaithful and should move out. You get a separation order in hand and make him move out. Look up what are the legal requirements in your state/country. The separation order can include issues such as financing, child custody, visiting hours, etc. A good lawyer can help you with this.
> 
> 2. Do you have a job with an income, are you paying all the bills, how much does he contribute?
> 
> ...



I am the primary earner, I make about 75% of the household income. I also work about 60 hours a week. He take the kids to and from daycare, which is high quality and both kids love it there. It is at his work, which is 40 minutes away from our home in the opposite direction of my work, which is another 40 minutes away. I know it would be in their best interest to stay there, but that pretty much leaves him with custody. Maybe I could agree to that for now, and then revisit the custody agreement once they are in school. I don't know, I'd hate to lose my kids but I'd hate to rip up everything they know and love.

The bills are paid from a joint account (and I handle all of that), but we each also have our own "fun money" account. I have saved mine up, but I know my husband's drained his dry.


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Others might not recommend this, or to wait until the divorce is finalized, but I would contact the wives of his friends that are also in this "cheaters club".


I should clarify that the men that participated in this particular discussion about the prostitutes were single except my husband. The other married men in the chat were very silent during the escort service discussions and I don't really have any reason or proof that they were engaging in the same behavior. There was one other comment by one of the married men that would anger me if I were his wife, but I'm not comfortable confronting her with that.


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

dash74 said:


> Full std with hep and hiv like yesterday and tell his buddies wifes the same god I pray you are not brest feeding if you are he needs to have his a$$ handed to him


I just quit breastfeeding a couple weeks ago, which is about the same time all this happened. I brought that up to him last night and told him how messed up that would be if he would put our daughter's life at risk for his own selfish desires. Of course, he denies.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

heartbroken101 said:


> I sat him down last night and told him that this time it is unforgivable. I told him that I had contacted a lawyer and I am going to file for divorce. He really lost his mind, saying that I was leaving him for something he didn't do. It was a horrible sight, and one I'll never forget. I don't think he thought I would ever actually leave. He must have thought I was bluffing. I think the reality set in last night and he took it very very hard.
> 
> He said a lot of silly things, like he would never see a prostitute because he has a daughter and he knows that it is someone else's daughter. But that didn't stop him from checking them out on the website and contacting them? Call me a fool, but I do believe him that he didn't actually meet one. Regardless, he made a joke out of our marriage, made a fool out of me, and did something unforgivable behind my back. I stand firm in feeling that I have to leave.
> 
> He told me he is going to make another appointment with the therapist, and I will go one more time to talk. I will also continue talking to the lawyer to figure out what I need to do. I am very doubtful that this marriage is fixable.


His insistence on that he never met them or never would meet them is very implausible. Cheaters often think they can wiggle out of it because the act act of sex is very hard to prove and they have "plausible deniability" to run to. But what they miss is that the actually screwing, though big, is the lesser part of all this. Lying and deception is what destroys marriages more than rubbing parts together.

The best way to deflate that is just to tell him firmly you don't believe him and this is all proof of using prostitutes. And even if it wasn't, its the lies and deception that you are leaving him for. 

Anyway I imagine many guys go look at Backpage because they are "curious" and would never follow through, but contacting prostitutes is a whole other matter. I don't buy it. And what exactly has he been spending his money on and racking up hidden debt?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HB, how are things going with you?


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

Things are still pretty uncertain. I did schedule a consultation with a lawyer for next month, and my husband scheduled a therapy appointment but they didn't have any openings until august. We have been doing lots of talking this week, probably more then we have done in months.

I don't feel anything for him anymore, and I would feel like a fool if I stayed and he deceived me again. In my heart I know I have to leave. He wants to have some time to prove himself to me, to prove that he can change and be the man I know I deserve.

I don't know where we will end up. whatever happens, it's gonna be a long hard road until things can be right again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

hb, I think you should continue with the divorce path. You can always revisit it down the road if you want, but any chance you have to heal things will come when you play hardball with him and rip his world apart. If you give in right now he'll have essentially gotten away with it and probably take it deeper underground. Leave him completely and see what he does with his life. If it looks like he puts it together when you're gone and becomes a better man and both of you are still interested you can take another look at things. Right now he has every reason to manipulate you as he has a lot to lose, but you backing down will also send the message that you're not really serious and all he has to do is flip out and schedule therapist appointments and you'll back down.

You're at a pivotal point with him where you've drawn a line in the sand and you can't afford to let him cross it. 

Of course he denies, why would he admit anything? What's in it for him to admit anything?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

My sister was in the same situation as you. The only difference is that she was a SAHM with two children. She was contacted by her physician as her yearly pap showed she had STD. Her husband was frequenting prostitutes! She ignored it because she had no way to support herself and her kids. This was a sad moment for her and she divorced.

In your case, you are the bread winner. You need to leave for the sake of your children. I don't believe that he did not have sex with the prostitutes that he contacted. Your husband may contract AIDS and can pass it on to you. Save yourself and your children.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> My sister was in the same situation as you. The only difference is that she was a SAHM with two children. She was contacted by her physician as her yearly pap showed she had STD. Her husband was frequenting prostitutes! *She ignored it because she had no way to support herself and her kids.* This was a sad moment for her and she divorced.
> 
> In your case, you are the bread winner. You need to leave for the sake of your children. I don't believe that he did not have sex with the prostitutes that he contacted. Your husband may contract AIDS and can pass it on to you. Save yourself and your children.


Situations like this really, Really, REALLY piss me off.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I agree that his world needs to be shattered for him to come to a realisation of what he has done so you must not give in. You say that you don't want him anymore, then move on as quickly and steadfastly as you can. He needs major work and if you give in now he will just revert to his old ways as there have been no major consequences.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I totally agree with the others. You need to get out of there. He will not change.

I am so, so sorry you are in this.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I'm so sorry, I caught the title of your thread. 

Your husband is not well and he will drag you and your children down with him. 

He needs help. Before you caught him he had no remorse. Watch his shame turn to resentment over the years.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

heartbroken101 said:


> He wants to have some time to prove himself to me, to prove that he can change and be the man I know I deserve.


My husband is saying these exact words to me! It must be in the "John Handbook." I am not falling for it. 

They may change, but what will happen in a week, a month, a year when he has the urges again and he repeats the same thing. He will keep doing it as long as you keep allowing it. 

This just burns me how they can be so stupid. I am so so sorry for you because I am living it too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

heartbroken101 said:


> Therapy was good for us, but seeing our therapist and telling her about this would really humiliate me


What do you think therapists get into that business for? There IS no humiliation when it comes to therapists, ok? And they can't help you unless you're 100% honest with them. Tell your therapist.

And I don't blame you for wanting you. IME, there are two kinds of men. Those who believe in being with only one woman and those who believe in getting as much sex as they can - hey, they're men, right? - and are justified in lying about it whenever they get caught. Unfortunately, you married the latter - a habitual liar who lies, steals and does whatever it takes for HIM to go unscathed.

Your children deserve better than to grow up with him as a role model, because they will turn out to be just like him.

If nothing else, legally separating MIGHT wake him up and give him rock bottom so that he may finally WANT to become a good person. As it is, he has no reason to, as he's had no real consequences for all his horrible acts.


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

I've been looking at apartments and I've changed my direct deposit to go to my account, taking small steps towards getting out. 

The hardest part for me, and the last true hurdle that is keeping me here, is the kids. I'm stuck between not wanting to leave them, and not wanting to tear them out of the daycare they love with friends and teachers that are special to them. The best I've been able to figure out is to get an apartment near their daycare. But even then, I start work too early to be able to drop them off.

I just can't abandon them, and I won't shake up their lives. They didn't do anything to deserve that. So I really don't know how I'm gonna do this.

Thank you everyone for all of your support and words of wisdom.


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

where_are_we said:


> heartbroken101 said:
> 
> 
> > He wants to have some time to prove himself to me, to prove that he can change and be the man I know I deserve.
> ...


I'm so sorry that you are going through this, too. Best of luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

heartbroken101 said:


> I've been looking at apartments and I've changed my direct deposit to go to my account, taking small steps towards getting out.
> 
> The hardest part for me, and the last true hurdle that is keeping me here, is the kids. I'm stuck between not wanting to leave them, and not wanting to tear them out of the daycare they love with friends and teachers that are special to them. The best I've been able to figure out is to get an apartment near their daycare. But even then, I start work too early to be able to drop them off.
> 
> I just can't abandon them, and I won't shake up their lives. They didn't do anything to deserve that. So I really don't know how I'm gonna do this.


A few things on this. First, why do you work 60 hours a week? Or does that include commute? Can you change that? You can't get your kids' childhoods back and, trust me, work is NOT more important than being in their lives more than an hour a day. You and your kids can change to live in a small place, even an apartment for now, with you earning less money. I really really urge you to consider seeing what you can do to change your job for the next year or two, if you're really divorcing.

Second, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you move out and leave the kids in his house. I've seen way too many horror stories for the parent - especially the mother - who does that and then cannot get custody again. 

Third, keeping them in a daycare at HIS work can present issues for you; I urge to reconsider. I know how hard it is to find good daycare, but remember that right now, he's kissing your ass to keep you from divorcing him; once he realizes you're serious, trust me, he will become a monster you never realized was in there, and daycare will become something he holds over your head.

Fourth, are you sure you have to divorce? See if he's willing to go into intensive therapy to get over his addiction; it's possible that he just let it get away from him and the decent guy is still in there.

Fifth, your kids are YOUNG. Leaving this daycare at this age won't be nearly as traumatic as taking them away from friends or teachers when they're older. The younger you settle them into a good stable home, the more easily they'll adjust and the happier they'll be over the long term.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Have you considered turning him in for his own sake?

We are taking about a criminal act here.


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