# How much can you expect a person to change?



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

So I am sitting here wallowing in my own pity and mostly venting so just bear with me. And I apologize if this gets long...

Last Wednesday night my wife left for a week to go visit her sister for her 50th b-day party. I worked from home that Thurs., Fri., Mon. and Tues. In the midst of trying to keep the kids on track with their very busy schedules and trying to do my actual job, a non-profit organization that I sit on the board of is imploding. So needless to say it was a VERY stressful week for me.

So she gets home very late this Tuesday night. We didn't talk much because it was late. Of course I've missed her so I try to snuggle and caress her a little and get the usual brush-off. The next morning she goes ballistic because the floor hasn't been swept and we are low on snacks for the girls lunches. Of course now I am irate but I don't say much and just get ready and go to work. I'm fuming but I don't want to stay mad at her because we are supposed to go to a function that night so rather than fighting on the phone, I e-mail her my dissatisfaction with her response. She apologizes, admitting she is a control freak (we already knew that).

Not sure that is relevant to what I am about to say but I'm still pissed about it. Anyway, if any of you know my posts, you know we have been struggling with our sex life. She has been trying and we have had much more frequency. But it doesn't seem to be helping me. There is so little enthusiasm, interest it is disheartening. She has zero DESIRE for me. It has just hit me in the last day or two that it is starting to affect me. I am starting to lose interest some and that has never been a problem. In general we have a great life together but this is killing me inside.

I guess my "question" is: How much can we really expect someone to change? Should I just be happy that she is trying to meet my needs? I honestly think I could be Brad Pitt and she wouldn't have any real desire. I don't think she understands this part and even if she did, I don't think she could change it. I am at a loss....


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm not sure how to answer that question...although it might be best to just know that people can change if they truly want to. As far as how much to expect, I guess it depends on the person and how far they have checked out of the marriage...we can never know for sure how much a person will change...it might be a good idea to just view it as they can, and not expect how much.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't think people change without some sort of negative consequence if they don't.

like say I leaving because of, or you have cancer and if you don't quit smoking it will surley get worse faster.


other wise they might change for a little while then slowly regress back to status quo.

and a large percentage won't change no matter what.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

That's the thing. Don't get me wrong, she hasn't checked out of the marriage. In all other aspects she is VERY good to me. She loves me for the man that I am but she has no DESIRE for me. And I don't think she does for anyone else either. She literally just has no interest.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I don't think people change without some sort of negative consequence if they don't.


I truly am starting to believe this as well. 

And in a way thats kind of sad to know that a person might not change unless there is that consequence, and sometimes drastic ones. And yes, they might not change at all, regardless.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

But what are the negative consequences? That I leave? Then I just lose as well. I would be darn hard pressed to find a better wife. A hornier one, possibly, but a "better" one, unlikely.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> But what are the negative consequences? That I leave? Then I just lose as well. I would be darn hard pressed to find a better wife. A hornier one, possibly, but a "better" one, unlikely.


Possibly leaving could wake her up. Yes, thats a consequence. Then again it might not wake her up either, its a risk you take when you have had enough, and you feel you deserve better.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> But what are the negative consequences? That I leave? Then I just lose as well. I would be darn hard pressed to find a better wife. A hornier one, possibly, but a "better" one, unlikely.


theres lots of fish in the ocean.

whats important to you in a wife 
whats going to make you happy


a wife thats good at house work and rasing a family that shows no desire for the MAN that makes it possible.
OR a woman who desires just as much happiness for her man as herself.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

But am I just being selfish? I see soo many people on here with much more significant problems than I have.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Feeling zero love from your SO isn't less significant. It's the root of all marital dilemmas! It's good your trying to fix it before it gets worse.

Are you manning up? Have you found your boundaries? Are you enforcing them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You know......

We are not really "changing".... Per say. I think it's more like " finding myself again and bein that person again you first fell in love with...."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I believe the only person you can change is yourself. And either the other person joins you or they don't. At that point it's up to you to decide how to proceed from there.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> But am I just being selfish? I see soo many people on here with much more significant problems than I have.


Problems are relative.

What is serious to you is minor to others and vice versa.

Your problems are important to you - that's all the matters.

If YOUR problems are significant to you - then it doesn't matter how they compare to others.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hubby,

Ready for a trip to the dark side?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I've already been down the man up route. That's part of the reason for the changes she has made (i.e. more frequency, etc). And yes we have been working out, etc. That is part of the reason I ask this question.

If she just plain has no desire period (whether for me or not) how can I expect her to gain some???


----------

