# Marriage and infidelity



## Curious_Guy

I believe that those who have strict morals and faith in God are less likely to cheat. Yet, I've been told these type of people still cheat.

I myself posted on another topic in this forum, "the fact that infidelity is so common nowadays (preferably among those who are in their 30s and 40s) kinda makes me a little paranoid about a married life. If I ever found out my wife cheated on me, even if it was just once, I wouldn't look at her the same way anymore.
Also, it's like I might think my marriage is perfect only to find out she's been doing things behind my back. I would want her to tell me. I'd rather me be hurt with the truth then her live that secret."

I myself am a college student, so I'm far from the married life haha. I am just against cheating and think it's totally wrong. Some people have good excuses for cheating I admit, but I've heard of others who cheat because their partner became "boring," or the sex became boring and routine. I can't find that as a good excuse. 
But if I was married in the future, I believe that as long as I have faith in God and talk to Him in prayers, as well as working on my marriage and communicating with my wife, I believe I COULD succeed in having a marriage without infidelity. However, it takes two to establish such a marriage.

Those on TAM, what do you guys think? I'm still a newbie here on this site btw haha.


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## RoninJedi

Hello, Curious! 

Aspiring pastor here, and unfortunately you are correct.

You *can* have a successful marriage without infidelity...but it takes *two* people for that to happen. My wife and I are both Christians, but I spent 5 years living the life of Hosea. And to be completely honest, even I went out on my marriage at one point. 

But God gave us the grace to begin again, and things have been awesome for the past few years since all that crap stopped. God can and will fix your marriage, but unfortunately that doesn't always happen. That's because, as you said, it takes both people being open and letting the Spirit do His work. If both are not open, chances are healing for that marriage will not come.

That's my $0.02 anyway, coming from what I experienced.


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## SimplyAmorous

Curious_Guy said:


> I believe that those who have strict morals and faith in God are less likely to cheat. Yet, I've been told these type of people still cheat.


 The key to any successful marriage (believers in God or non) will always depend on the 2 committed to each other...it helps when things get rough....the communication is ever flowing, much listening going forth as well as placing yourself in the others shoes...empathetic understanding... Excellent article on communication HERE 



> I myself posted on another topic in this forum, "the fact that infidelity is so common nowadays (preferably among those who are in their 30s and 40s) kinda makes me a little paranoid about a married life. *If I ever found out my wife cheated on me, even if it was just once, I wouldn't look at her the same way anymore*.


 This is true of most, even if one can forgive, it is a mountain to climb, and something is taken away from what "was" before the infidelity. 



> Also, it's like I might think my marriage is perfect only to find out she's been doing things behind my back. I would want her to tell me. I'd rather me be hurt with the truth then her live that secret."
> 
> I myself am a college student, so I'm far from the married life haha. I am just against cheating and think it's totally wrong. Some people have good excuses for cheating I admit, but I've heard of others who cheat because their partner became "boring," or the sex became boring and routine. I can't find that as a good excuse.
> 
> But if I was married in the future, I believe that as long as I have faith in God and talk to Him in prayers, as well as working on my marriage and communicating with my wife, I believe I COULD succeed in having a marriage without infidelity. However, it takes two to establish such a marriage.
> 
> Those on TAM, what do you guys think? I'm still a newbie here on this site btw haha.


I think it's GREAT a young man is thinking about the realities of married life BEFORE he takes that plunge / before a steady GF ...you are a wise seeker ...and because you care so much, you will do what it takes to be a great husband... you believe in preparing yourself and giving your all to a woman you love & cherish. :smthumbup:

It is very possible to have a fulfilling marriage without infidelity. Even if you are a couple who kinda wanes on the religion... 

Me and my husband has been together for 31 yrs... (met in our teens) ..we'll be married 24 yrs next month... we have always has great communication , what I call a "willing giving Transparency" going on (did a thread on that HERE

..We had some blunders along the way....mostly in the sexual, Me not understanding a man's hungry sex drive & his being too passive about it ....(a little too much NICE guy going on)....If only I had a book like this back then .....

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books- I believe it could have helped me SEE. 

Great marriages are still made in this day & age...though I am one who feels *compatibility* (in a variety of areas) will lesson your risks of it all falling apart down the road..... I tried to do a list of some of the most common issues facing many marriages today -where they jumped in too quick, only to learn later they had very little in common and bonked heads very badly, wanting different things in life, having different expectations. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

I've seen a #of posts here where they say one should never marry before age 26 cause the brain is not fully developed and people don't know what they want.. I feel *maturity* is an individual thing...me and mine were always very responsible...saving our $$ in our teens, we had a blue print/ a vision if you will of all we wanted....that would probably = boring when one is young I suppose... but throughout all these years....the things we wanted then are the same things we would do all over again. 

Seek out a woman who is has a healthy "*self awareness"* -who can admit her faults, forgive and work with you, hand in hand to find an agreeable compromise...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...transforming-our-marriages-relationships.html

These are what experts claim are the 4 marriage destroyers ...


> 1.Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything, faultfinding.
> No Criticism Please!
> 
> 2. Contempt- the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn. The state of being despised; dishonor; disgrace.
> The Danger of Contempt
> 
> 3. Defensiveness- Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> 4. Stonewalling - or 'the silent treatment' Stonewalling in Abuse


 Another Highly recommended Book here >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*


........









Just a little of my advice for a young man -that I would give to all of our sons as well...


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## Maneo

marriage is a partnership of two. success or failure rests with both, not just on the shoulders of one. hope some day you find the right partner for both of you.


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## Curious_Guy

Thank you for the amazing comments guys!
Yes I do kinda have this paranoia about a married life because infidelity is so common nowadays. It's easier to forgive a cheating spouse if they kissed someone else, but it's much harder to forgive when they had sex with someone else. Infidelity seems to be on the rise. 

Sometimes I read articles like this: Why are so many married women having affairs? - Telegraph

^^ In response to the above link, it's crazy how people cheat, even though they love their spouse. Aside from neglectful spouses, sex is a main reason why people cheat. The excuse is that sex became "boring and routine." The "spark" dies out and the "passion" is lost. Seems like a lame excuse and a lack of communication. It really hurts the whole family: spouses and the kids.

I do admit, learning from other people's experiences tells me that when I get married I should be head over heels for this girl who is also a best friend to me. When we're married, I should be a fully committed husband, which makes her a fully committed wife in return. It's all about love and happiness, giving each other much needed attention and caring for each other. A marriage where both couples are happy and have they're needs met means the each spouse are more likely to resist temptation outside of the marriage. Also, sex is sacred gift in a marriage given to us by God and should be between the loving couple only.

Edit: And thanks for the kind words SimplyAmorous!


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## Vega

Curious_Guy said:


> Aside from neglectful spouses, sex is a main reason why people cheat.


Hi Curious,

The above quote is NOT the "main reason" why people cheat. It may be one of the reasons they give for becoming _unhappy_, but they CHEAT because they are _selfish_. 

After all, if they're THAT unhappy because of the lack of sex, why don't they simply TALK to their partner? Most of the time, the cheater will claim to have 'tried' to talk, but when they dig deeper into their behaviors, they learn that they really didn't make much of an attempt--if any--to communicate how they felt. 

What you wrote here kind of scares me:



> Some people have good excuses for cheating I admit


If you believe that there are some "good excuses" for cheating, you open yourself (and your partner) up to the possibility of cheating in the future

Unless someone is holding a GUN to your head (or one of your children's heads) and FORCING you to cheat (in which case it's called RAPE; not 'cheating') , you don't have an excuse. The cheater ALWAYS has options besides cheating...including ending the relationship.

I don't know what you think are 'good reasons', but I'd look into that before you commit to someone.

Vega


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## Curious_Guy

Vega said:


> If you believe that there are some "good excuses" for cheating, you open yourself (and your partner) up to the possibility of cheating in the future
> 
> Unless someone is holding a GUN to your head (or one of your children's heads) and FORCING you to cheat (in which case it's called RAPE; not 'cheating') , you don't have an excuse. The cheater ALWAYS has options besides cheating...including ending the relationship.
> 
> I don't know what you think are 'good reasons', but I'd look into that before you commit to someone.
> 
> Vega


Vega, allow me to make myself more specific. 
When I said "Some people have good excuses for cheating I admit," I didn't mean to sound the way it looked. 

I meant that there are people in marriages that fully neglect their spouses and the family, which in return causes their spouse to look to someone else. Therefore, they're both wrong. One for neglecting a marriage and one for cheating. Do I think some people have good excuses? I admit, some people have understandable excuses like those who are in an abusive or neglectful marriage and they fear going into a process of divorce. It's not acceptable to cheat of course, but in this sense it could be understandable. If I were helping someone in this situation, I would say something like "I understand why you cheated, but it's best to be mature and work on your marriage or end it if it's not working. If you're afraid, consult with others." 

I guess when I said "good excuses," I meant to say "understandable excuses." But what I meant is that no matter how good or understandable the excuse is, cheating is wrong regardless.

On the other side, do I believe that people who cheat just because they're bored, were tempted, and/or want something else on the side are good excuses? Absolutely not! I am against cheating 100% and yes you're right, people who cheat are selfish. Sex isn't the only reason people are unhappy in a marriage but yes it's an excuse, and yes it's because people are just so selfish that they tempted to cheat, just like the women in the article I just posted. (Same applies for men).

If my marriage wasn't stable or there's lack of communication or passion, I want to be the one to fix that and I would want my spouse to comply. Just like a said in my previous post, I want to be married with someone who I KNOW is THE ONE, and I want to be fully committed to the marriage and fix any problems we have, hoping she would comply.

I don't want you to think that I'm you opening myself (and my partner) up to the possibility of cheating in the future (which made me feel insulted lol), because I think cheating is wrong and a marriage with cheating (even if it was just once) is something I fear and don't want.


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## Coffee Amore

Curious_Guy said:


> I believe that those who have strict morals and faith in God are less likely to cheat. Yet, I've been told these type of people still cheat.


I don't think statistics bear that out. I remember reading one study that said the infidelity rate is the same or perhaps even a bit higher among self-professed, church going Christians. I'll have to find that link later. 

It's actions that make someone a moral person, not their so-called beliefs.


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## that_girl

Hmmmm....of my friends, two have cheated. They were the "christians" of the group.

lol. But 'faith in god' and 'morals' doesn't need to mean religion or anything like that.


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## Coffee Amore

Read the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, a pastor. It talks about how the infidelity rate is the same for Christians v. non-believers.



Curious_Guy said:


> If my marriage wasn't stable or there's lack of communication or passion, I want to be the one to fix that and I would want my spouse to comply. Just like a said in my previous post, I want to be married with someone who I KNOW is THE ONE, and I want to be fully committed to the marriage and fix any problems we have, hoping she would comply.
> 
> I don't want you to think that I'm you opening myself (and my partner) up to the possibility of cheating in the future (which made me feel insulted lol), because I think cheating is wrong and a marriage with cheating (even if it was just once) is something I fear and don't want.


I don't have infidelity in my marriage, so with that caveat let me say that anyone can do all the right things like staying in shape, good communication, still courting the spouse, being thoughtful, doing your fair share of domestic chores and STILL have a spouse who cheats on them. It's not like you can check off some qualities on a list and be assured that your marriage is safe from cheating. 

I know two women, good friends of mine, who did all the right things and still were cheated on. One even used to schedule in her calendar book how often they had sex, so that they would never dip below a minimum number she thought was necessary for a good marriage. Some of the things she'd do for her husband were above and beyond what most wives I know do. Yet, her husband had two affairs. Both of my friends are divorced. One is Christian too.

Marriage is inherently a gamble. Just like being a parent. You can do everything right, but there's quite bit of luck that comes into play. Just remember that.

And I don't believe there is just one person out there for all of us. I think there are many people with whom we can be very compatible, and your path hopefully crosses with one of those people. 

I used to have all these great theories about marriage and parenting when I was in college. It's funny to me to now look back on those ideas, because marriage like parenting is one of those things you have to experience to understand. You also can't really lecture to people about good marriages until you've really taken a stab at it yourself.


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## Curious_Guy

Coffee Amore said:


> I used to have all these great theories about marriage and parenting when I was in college. It's funny to me to now look back on those ideas, because marriage like parenting is one of those things you have to experience to understand. *You also can't really lecture to people about good marriages until you've really taken a stab at it yourself*.


I wouldn't say "lecturing to people," more like "giving my opinion and thoughts, and seeing with others have to say." I believe there are good marriages out there and many people run into others they're compatible with, but lots of people have that one significant other they can't live without. Whether people are married or not, it may be true that you have to experience to understand but I know for a fact that according to some people, they can't be with anyone else aside from they're spouse. There's as much bad marriages as there are good. I don't know anything about your marriage but since you have no infidelity you seem to be leaning on the good side. Marriage, just like parenting, is tough work.

Edit: I don't think and expect marriage to be a happily ever after like some Cinderella story but I know that people can have good loving marriages and I know some personally who are of old age now.


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## Curious_Guy

Oh and much sympathy for those amazing wives I would be lucky to have a woman like that!


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## Vega

> I don't want you to think that I'm you opening myself (and my partner) up to the possibility of cheating in the future (which made me feel insulted lol),


Lol! I'm sorry, Curious Guy. It wasn't my intention to insult you! When I post, I realize that this is a public forum and that ANYONE in "internet land" can read TAM. When I use the word *you*, I intend for it to mean 'you' _plural_, and not ONLY *you*!  IF what I'm writing about doesn't apply to *you* then I imagine you would "take what you need and leave the rest", if you know what I mean! 



Curious_Guy said:


> Edit: I don't think and expect marriage to be a happily ever after like some Cinderella story but I know that people can have good loving marriages and I know some personally who are of old age now.


About 50% of first marriages fail. That leaves the other 50% as "success" stories. But are they TRULY 'successful'? 

Seems to me that just because SOME people will remain married _after cheating_, it doesn't mean their marriage is "happy" or "successful". 

The odds of marrying only ONCE in a lifetime, and neither partner EVER cheating during their marriage is a far cry from Cinderella. 

So...what do we do about it? *_rolls dice and throws onto the table_...*

*sigh*

Vega


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## arbitrator

I do believe, that while those who are religious and moralistic, may occasionally stray in their marriages, the incidents of them doing so is greatly smaller than that of their non-religious, immoral counterparts!


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## Curious_Guy

Vega said:


> *The odds of marrying only ONCE in a lifetime, and neither partner EVER cheating during their marriage is a far cry from Cinderella. *
> 
> So...what do we do about it? *_rolls dice and throws onto the table_...*
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> Vega


Possible... But rare these days. 

Sometimes it just seems less stressful to be single to avoid heartbreaks and complications lol. 

One can just have hope for they want and and let God handle the rest.


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## Vega

Curious_Guy said:


> Possible... But rare these days.
> 
> Sometimes it just seems less stressful to be single to avoid heartbreaks and complications lol.
> 
> *One can just have hope for they want and and let God handle the rest*.


I had 'hope'. Several times. The last time, my ex of 4 years cheated on me. 

Time for me to let go and let God and _write_ about relationships instead of actually trying to live in one. 

Vega


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## Curious_Guy

Vega said:


> I had 'hope'. Several times. The last time, my ex of 4 years cheated on me.
> 
> *Time for me to let go and let God* and _write_ about relationships instead of actually trying to live in one.
> 
> Vega


Let go and let God, there you go! :smthumbup:


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## Mr Blunt

> Curious Guy
> I believe that as long as I have faith in God and talk to Him in prayers, as well as working on my marriage and communicating with my wife, I believe I COULD succeed in having a marriage without infidelity.


Those are very good activities to help keep from falling. Also as SA mentioned the commitment and communication are also very good tools. 

There are so many actions that you can take to keep yourself protected such as making a rule for yourself that you will not be alone with another woman. Of course there are going to be rare situations when that can not be avoided but be very aware of that danger. I do not know about women but me and several men that I have talked will tell you that women have a very powerful attraction that is sexual in nature and that attraction is not going away because you have faith in God, are committed and communicate with your wife. That attraction is very powerful so don’t think that if you have a few tools identified that you are immune.

*In addition to having faith in God I hope that you work at and achieve a faith that puts God as your number one source of strength, you get a deep understanding of his love, and that He becomes more important than your wife or anyone else.* The reason for this is that there maybe times that your wife will do you wrong, no two sides to it; she just flat craps on you in some very hurtful way. In fact, I am almost sure that will happen in any marriage that has 10-20-or 30 years behind them.

At that point you may be presented with another woman that touches your damaged feelings and eventually sparks your sexual appetite for her. You then may rationalize that your wife really did crap on you and that it was so unfair and that you have to endure pain that you do not deserve. If your wife does this often and for a long period of time you may consider an “understandable excuse” to get some relief from your pain that you got from your unfair and abusive wife.* When you combine the unjust abusive pain you received from your wife with the strong sexual attraction of another woman and then you will be in the struggle of your life!*

Here is my point.
*If you have a deep understanding of God’s love, His strength, and you make Him number one, you will have no “understandable excuses” to rationalize cheating. Why? Because your committeemen to Him will be more than your commitment to your wife and God has never done you wrong so your rationalization for cheating has no basis.*


If you conduct your moral behavior based on your wife you will eventually have “understandable excuses and rationalizations to go astray. *With God you have NO “understandable excuses” and/or rationalizations*.


That is one reason that God says to first love Him more than any others. It is for your own protection and good. That is a tall order and hard to do but it is the full proof way to stay away from infidelity.

Those that put human relationships above their relationship with God eventually get craped on by the human and are subject to buying into the “understandable excuses”, rationalizations, and very strong sexual attractions.

Curious Guy
I commend you for your seeking information from others.
You seem very serious about this very important issue and you are on the right track. The fact that you mentioned your faith in God tells me that you are open to tapping into the greatest strength to avoid infidelity in your marriage. Of course, as you have said, it takes BOTH of you to make God number one in order to defeat infidelity.


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## Vega

Awesome post, Mr. Blunt!


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## EleGirl

Curious_Guy said:


> Possible... But rare these days.
> 
> Sometimes it just seems less stressful to be single to avoid heartbreaks and complications lol.
> 
> One can just have hope for they want and and let God handle the rest.


Is the purpose of life to avoid stress? 

Take a look at marriage statistics based on age, education and income.

The more of every one of these, the more likely a marriage will NOT end in divorce.

Marriages in which a man is under 30 and/or a woman is under 26 fail more often then they succeed. So don't get married before 30 and don't marry a woman 25 or under.

Marriages for couples living in poverty or extreme poverty are more likely to end up in divorce than not.

The lower a person's education level the more likely they are to succeed.

Marriages for women over 25 with a college degree end in divorce less than 25% of the time.

Since infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce, it stands to reason that marry that same reason and the chances of her cheating on you go way down as well.

The statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce is not true. It's based on a 'study' done in the 1980's in which a REPORTER went down to the court house in ONE town. He counted the number of marriages that year and the number of divorces. In that one year, in that one town, there were half as many divorces as there were marriages.


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## Married but Happy

EleGirl said:


> The statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce is not true. It's based on a 'study' done in the 1980's in which a REPORTER went down to the court house in ONE town. He counted the number of marriages that year and the number of divorces. In that one year, in that one town, there were half as many divorces as there were marriages.


That's an interesting story, but now there are better statistics and information, but there is no easy answer to the "real" rate, or to what percentage of marriages end in divorce.

From wikipedia:



> "Rate of divorce" usually refers to the number of divorces that occur in the population during a given period. However it is also used in common parlance to refer to the likelihood of a given marriage ending in divorce (as opposed to the death of a spouse).
> 
> In 2002 (latest survey data as of 2012),[13] 29% of first marriages among women aged 15–44 were disrupted (ended in separation, divorce or annulment) within 10 years.[14] Beyond the 10-year window, population survey data is lacking, but forecasts and estimates provide some understanding. It is commonly claimed that half of all marriages in the United States eventually end in divorce, an estimate possibly based on the fact that in any given year, the number of marriages is about twice the number of divorces.[15] Using 1995 data, National Survey of Family Growth forecast in 2002 a 43% chance that first marriages among women aged 15–44 would be disrupted within 15 years.[13] More recently, having spoken with academics and National Survey of Family Growth representatives, PolitiFact.com estimated in 2012 that the lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce is 40%–50%.[16]


It seems that over 40% of marriages end in divorce.


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## mablenc

Unfortunately, most of the CWI threads state" he/she is a strong christian/religious person, I can't believe they cheated"


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## Tasorundo

I find it funny that we think this is a recent issue, or one that Christians would not have. I am pretty sure sexual immorality and adultery were mentioned many times. You think they mentioned it because it was happening 2000 years ago?


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## bbird1

Curious_Guy said:


> *I am just against cheating and think it's totally wrong. *
> 
> *Some people have good excuses for cheating*


1) Find someone who shares your views on marriage and cheating then. Someone who shares your faith in god as well.

2) That is all cheating is a selfish excuse and there is no good excuse for betrayal on that level period. EVER.

Be patient and find the right one. 
Be sure she shares your core values. 
Be sure she shares your faith
Place all you do above question so if one ever arises she will know the rumor is untrue.

For me I NEVER enter a home when the husband is not home or when it's a single lady home. I NEVER am alone with women not my wife without others present. I won't even interview a new employee alone because it could be seen and misconstrued. 

She should place herself the same way above any and all reproach.

Anyway amen, god bless and hope you find what you seek. Good luck and keep working hard and stay strong.


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