# What is the point of a trial separation?



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

My wife and I have been through an extremely difficult year. We were having problems, I discovered a PA/EA, we reconnected and things were getting better. Then she started to push me away again and things have gotten distant.

We are in MC and we both are in IC. Sunday night W informed me that she had an epiphany at her latest IC session which was that she wasn't in love with me anymore. Said she loves me but not the way I want her to. Gives me a line about how she wishes there were different words for love so she could be more specific.

She is now out of town for the rest of the week and we are going to discuss options when she gets back. Options are stay together and try to rekindle the passion, trial separation, or divorce.

My question is, is there any real good reason to do a trial separation? Is it just prolonging the inevitable?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

In my experience, the point is usually for the partner suggesting it to have more freedom to screw other people.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I believe the point of a separation is to try to concentrate on yourselves, get distance from the problem. Have you ever sat at work/home trying to figure something out, you feel stressed/anxious, and feel like giving up? Maybe you take a walk and it comes to you instantly. It's just an example, but I feel like thats the point, to clear your head.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I believe it gives both spouses some time to work on themselves and to also see what its going to be like should you D. In the case of a ws it has been known to allow them to continue their affair it lets the other spouse take care of themself and not be affected by the cheating spouses actions. jmo

Good Luck


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like her affair never ended, just went underground... a trial separation is simply to give her the space and freedom to keep having the affair while making it easier to hide from you. The separation will last as long as her relationship with other guy does or until she gets it out of her system, whichever takes longer. Then she can come back and say she has done some thinking and that she wants to come back and try to make the marriage work. Until the cycle begins again. The crappiest thing for a loyal spouse is that the cheater essentially wants to put the marriage on hold, end it temporarily but it will fall to the loyal one who is getting cheated on to actually step up and end it for good.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I believe that if we approach the trial sep as a means of getting our heads on straight and getting a preview of post marital life then the sep could be a good thing.

The affair is over. That much we agree on. She has allowed transparency and I am remaining vigilant. Nothing has gone underground. She may have been able to hide things when i was unaware and unsuspicious, but that ship has sailed. I see credit card/bank statements, phone bills and chat accounts. I have access to information that would make it pretty damn hard to sneak something in.

For that matter, I was the one who suggested trial sep as a third option. I just don't want to go down that road if it is a huge waste of time. If we can agree to commit to working towards reconciliation then I am willing to let her go. If not, if this is just a stall maneuver while she figures out what next horrible thing she's going to spring on me, I say split stuff up and let's get moving. 

I am working to remain hopeful. I have amended a lot of my 'nice guy' ways and am doing my best to man up in our relationship. In our discussions on this I have been taking the lead and setting the tone of 'i want us to succeed', not 'boo hoo, please don't leave me'. I told her flat out that I am committed to making this work, but if she feels it's unsalvageable, then by all means pack up and go.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> In my experience, the point is usually for the partner suggesting it to have more freedom to screw other people.


This is the only reason I`ve ever know for any separation.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> This is the only reason I`ve ever know for any separation.


I don't think I agree -- I was the BS, and like the OP here have suggested trial separation after 9 months attempting R but just not getting past her A... I saw it as a way for me to take one last crack at looking at life without her in it, maybe missing her, before we move to D. 

Interestingly, although she has maintained she does not want D, she's decided that trial separation is probably not worth it, we should probably just move right to D.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> I believe that if we approach the trial sep as a means of getting our heads on straight and getting a preview of post marital life then the sep could be a good thing.


I don't see how separation is required to "get heads on straight" nor do I see the benefit of previewing post-marital life. Either you want to be married or not so make the marriage work or end it.

Disagree with me if you will, you are entitled to do what you wish, just please be even more cautious, especially as this is in the "wake" of an affair. What does she do in the daytime when you are at work? there is 8 hours+ every day that is available for her to go to her underground world, pay-as-you-go cell phones are easy to get and hide, do you have a VAR in her car or hidden somewhere?

I guess to me this matters because knowing that she has had a chance to restore the marriage after her infidelity and still you or her think you need a separation means you are headed in the wrong direction. If it's otherwise over anyway, than call this separation a trial if it makes you feel better about it, it may even help you find your own direction but it will do nothing to overcome any marital issues.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My husband and I have been separated about 5 months now. He is a trigger for me ... I couldn't control my anger towards him for what he did to our life,... and I couldn't start the healing process either. 

Him being there every single day & night when his job allowed, was just to much. When his job took him away, I found I started to like the world a bit better, I started to like me a bit better, and funny , I started to like him a bit better. The healing process is taking place as I now see I am light years away from the person I was 9 months ago D-Day, as well as from the person pre-d-day too. 

The separation was and is good for us, and yes , its not the best way to rebuild a marriage as I see first hand it does put distance between us, but it has also really helped me on the road of healing, and then we can talk .

~sammy


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I think it's all about motive and follow through. 

Some people use it as an excuse others try to grow/learn from it. My thought was having someone guide us through would help. But I have had no say in the separation I am in but if I had a choice it would have been guided through w/ rules/timelines so we weren't wasting months trying to figure things out.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

StrugglingMan said:


> The affair is over. I have access to information that would make it pretty damn hard to sneak something in.
> 
> Strugglingman, I'd be pretty careful with a statement like this. Many betrayed spouses can tell you about the depths that cheaters will go to continue an affair. The easiest would be a hidden pay as you go cell phone.


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