# I am really hurting tonight



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I had to ask my husband to call in his figures for the financial affidavit on non-marital assets. I was hoping (secretly) that he had been putting it off because he wanted to reconcile. Doesn't seem to be the case. When I got home this evening, he cheerily said he completed the qdro (division of a tiny retirement plan: the only thing that is marital) and emailed me a copy. Then he began to whistle and sing as if he didn't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, I am crushed and feel so unimportant to him and yet we had been so close at one time. I expected him to break into a tap dance he seemed so pleased. We have been together for 9 years. I don't understand. It seems like it is some kind of act. How could he love me 4 months ago and wham....


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

F'ck if I know Sparkles. One minute we're planning our move to a dream city and literally a week later he's like seeya! I got nagged like three times for the divorce paperwork when I got a lawyer first. I think he might run all the way down to the court house in utter delight.

I feel used, discarded and stupid for way too may reasons to start listing them here. I'm sorry you're having a bad night.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

wow, seven days later! In a new city? That's terrible. Did you have any family or friends nearby? When my spouse told me he no longer liked or loved me (after ed episode) he took for 2 weeks leaving me without any money. Very very cold. I have talked to my network, attended meetings up the yingyang and the pain is sharp tonight. It comes and goes. I can't imagine what it will be like on Wednesday when I actually sign the papers. I don't know but I have been mulling over whether I should ask him are we sure of this? I mean what do I have to lose at that point. I have been doing the 180 and other than making me proud of myself, it's done squat but it is for me not him. Such a hard lesson.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Sparkles, it SUCKS to sign the papers. I just did that last week and had to leave work early after because I was so unhappy. Then I went on Friday and cried at my ex's house (we have little ones that we have joint custody with). Stupid, idiotic guy says "I thought signing them would make you feel better." Yeah.......throwing out 18 years of marriage so you can have another woman makes me feel great....AND I sobbed about how I still love him and I feel like I've made a terrible mistake signing his friggin' papers....not a good 180 day....

My ex is acting like he's the happiest man alive, too....not good for the self-esteem, for sure. Be proud of yourself. They say it gets easier....


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Actually we were planning the move, we didn't move yet thank God. Man that would have sucked.

Sparkles I can't believe he left you without money. That's really harsh and unacceptable. I did the "ok, last chance, do you really want to do this..." thing on the way to the lawyer. His was was simply "yes." Not one of my best days.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Sparkles:
Is there any chance he is hiding assets that you don't know about? My stbxh only acts that happy when he knows he is getting over on me. (which has been a lot, unfortunately, but I am catching on to his ways slowly.) Make sure someone who is financially savvy and in your corner looks over all the paperwork before you sign anything. Don't end up in my shoes. They're tight.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Oh yeah, my shoes are gonna be tight too. All of the assets are pre-marital and the house is shared and the retirement plan is shared. Oh yeah, he is gonna have money, not me but I will continue to work as soon as I find a job. He may be acting happy but this is the man that bought me jewelry (beautiful) last November, living room furniture (December) and built an enclosed (roof and walls) garden in February for me. Nah, it was the ED and how I handled it (poorly, didn't mean to, he still was a man in my eyes but not his). Maybe he is laughing all the way to the bank but I will heal and there are others out there and when I am ready.... what an acting schmuc_. Have some courtesy but he wants to wound. I have been up since 3:30 am. Ouch


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sparkles422 said:


> Oh yeah, my shoes are gonna be tight too. All of the assets are pre-marital and the house is shared and the retirement plan is shared. Oh yeah, he is gonna have money, not me but I will continue to work as soon as I find a job. He may be acting happy but this is the man that bought me jewelry (beautiful) last November, living room furniture (December) and built an enclosed (roof and walls) garden in February for me. Nah, it was the ED and how I handled it (poorly, didn't mean to, he still was a man in my eyes but not his). Maybe he is laughing all the way to the bank but I will heal and there are others out there and when I am ready.... what an acting schmuc_. Have some courtesy but he wants to wound. I have been up since 3:30 am. Ouch


OK sparkles, I've been reading your posts and as I understand them, you handled his ED problem the wrong way. I don't think I have tell you this but ED to a man is probably the same as feeling that your heart is dead; and that you are far less than a man. It is a serious matter to be handled very delicately! I don't know what it is like because I do not have that problem but as a man, just knowing that can happen absolutely terrifies me. And to have that problem AND also having an extremely understanding and supportive wife probably still take me a very long time to feel like I am worth something. So I can't even imagine, having a W that would remotely hint at a joke or say something to me that even approaches saying something negative about it. For most men, sex is the ultimate pinnacle of masculinity and to be able to not only please ourselves but our significant other is really the ultimate fulfillment of intimacy and affection we men can give our SO.

So I can see where very easily he could be so depressed and in so much emotional distress that to not want to be with someone out of shame and/or because of resentment that any sign of you making light of his condition is enough for him to want to run away. Another possibility is that down deep inside, he really loves and wants better for you than what he can give you know. I don't know what specifically went on but from my reading your post here, I can only gather that that is why he is wanting out.

Let me know if I missed something since I get on and off of here during the day and try my best to keep up with you guys.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

OH dear I was wondering what ED stood for. I had always seen it stand for "eating disorder" which is probably even worse


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, now I am embaressed! I thought ED was erectile dysf.... Ouch. So which is it eating disorder or the other. If it is eating disorder then wow, I am sorry. :slap: 

I guess that would make it understandable with what I posted and please excuse me for thinking differently. :scratchhead:

Am I the only one that interpreted it that way?

Oops!!!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

What you said makes more since. EDs in men are very, very rare.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

No no it is erectile. I didn't know how to handle it, I tried to make light of it because to me he hadn't changed, he was still manly and wonderful. And when I saw that I had made a terrible mistake, I took the blame that he was no longer attracted to me. He jumped on that and that is when the whole thing went down. I mentioned viagara but he said he didn't want to be on pills the rest of his life. I said plenty of people took it and it was not a diminishment. But nothing worked and he hates me. I did mention marriage counseling but to no avail. I apologized many times, nothing worked, nothing. I didn't know what to do and then he kept leaving me. In one conversation in March (on his camping trip) he finally returned my cell calls and he said he was confused & he didn't know what he was doing. I said if he enjoyed bikes so much I would get one and we could get counseling. But when he got back he denied the conversation. I felt so rejected and he was hot & heavy w/the facebook woman that I really didn't think I had any alternative but to separate and then it escalated. Told family etc... It is a nightmare. Tomorrow I sign papers and he is not stopping me. 
Should I ask one more time, if this is what he wants?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oooffff! Well, if you already - AND I MEAN REALLY DOWN DEEP INSIDE have decided to move and sign the papers then I would not waste any more time. I know, that is harsh.

But, if you still love him and want to make your marriage work, then I would ask one more time. I am wondering though:

Did he finally go to counseling?
Did he actually try Viagara?
Did he ask about alternative meds like Cialis?
Did he even see a doctor about it because I am surprised the Dr. did not mention this to him?

Also, many times, it is a mental block that will not allow him to get an E. So a counselor might have been invaluable but quite honestly, a doctor should be able to determine whether it is mental, physiological on a physical problem - I don't think Viagara will do much for him if this is all in his head - pardon the pun.

Really though, it sounds to me as if he might have felt as if you thought he was joking when you thought that he was not attracted to you. Or maybe you touched a nerve there because there may have been some element of truth, I don't know but either way, I think he may have been offended by the fact that he wanted to follow through with sex but physically couldn't and on top of that, you joked around about it, even if you didn't mean it. I honestly can't imagine, as a man, what it would be like to not be able to have and enjoy sex; I would be all over anything that might help me, Doctors, Viagara, Cialis, porn, counselors, whatever it took to try to get back in the saddle. So I am kind of leary of why he would reject all of that. Oh well, I am ranting now.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

He won't see a doctor. He will not take viagara, he will not go to counseling and he acts as if this is the happiest day he has had in a long time. He said (3 months ago) that this has been over for 18 mos. but yet he bought a diamond bracelet, pendant and earrings in October, 2 new chairs in December and built an enclosed garden in February. A month ago, he screamed in my face that he had loved me, and now he hates me, hates me. It is so erratic.

I am so scared to ask him that question, but it is worth it to me. I will dig up the courage before I leave for a mtg this evening and ask. Perhaps I should say sleep on it. I don't know what to do.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sleeping on it is a good idea, but when will you see him again? I would think this is something you want to discuss face to face. I dunno. You know, it is really starting to make me wonder why he hasn't seen a doctor. I don't buy the perfectly content thing if he really has this problem. I am assuming you know for sure it's true what he is saying about ED; 'cause it sure is sounding like there is OW involved. I mean, as erratic as he is acting - I don't know but I would start with a doctor - preferably a urologist. Even better, I would ask if he would let you go with him so he doesn't BS you about the consultation. But if that is not possible, he still needs to go.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like brighterlight says, I wonder if there really is a ED... with the way my marriage turned out it always felt like a big disappointment, like I was a big failure, and for most men that is the biggest libido killer. I may as well have had ED, I just know that because of the way she generally treated me I simply couldn't get it up on demand, and it sucks that some women think it is because they are not physically attractive enough, or have to be led to believe it is a physical ailment (in fact it is likely a psychological ailment).


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

No way do we have that kind of relationship anymore to go to a doctor. No I don't know for sure it just happened with me. We are stuck in the same house until it sells. He is on his side of theNo house right now. And he does a lot of texting but all of his friends are outside this state. He has none here. I am fairly sure he had an EA with OW but I think when he met her on last trip (he told me he saw her one time, they have known each other for 50 yrs) he found that she is 65 yrs old and married for 45 yrs and she is not going to leave her husband and she is a caretaker. So he told me and that the trip was boring in spots. Of course, it is same trip we made together 5 yrs ago. I am assuming he has ED cause he couldn't get it up but our sex life went out the window 4 years ago. It has been pretty sad. Too much financial burdens (alimony & child support- six figures) and he kept getting let go each year from his job, so it was a real burden. Maybe it is for the best....and I am younger by 11 yrs. He had changed a long time ago and so had I. After the first three years it was never the same.

I still don't want it to end but that is probably the dream I can't let go of. 

What do you all think?


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