# My husband is on his third EA, should I just give up on him?



## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

Please help. I am at the end of my rope. I go in and out of wanting to leave my H. I am angry, hurt, scared and filled with worry.

We have been in marriage counseling for a year and half to deal with 2 past EA that he had and denied that they were nothing more than "friendships." In therapy, it appeared that he finally understood what he did was wrong and how he crossed boundaries and he said he learned from his mistakes and he wouldn't do it again. We even separated for four months. He went to live at his mother's house.

He also suffers from depression and takes himself of his meds from time to time. He has shown me little to no affection and is moody and neglects me and our 2 daughters (5 and 7). He has told me many times, " I love you, but I am not in love with you." He also has a lot of self-loathing and often he is "a lost cause" or that we "are better off without him." I have been trying to be the good wife and remember he has depression and try to get him some help by convincing him to see a therapist and psychiatrist to help him find the right meds. He has only been seeing his primary care doctor for his depression. I thought he would benefit from seeing a doctor who specializes in psych meds. Anyway, While I've been trying to help him he has been having ANOTHER emotional affair with his step-cousin. I found emails that clearly shows he is much more involved with her than just "cousins." This has been going on for a year. The whole time we were in marriage counseling talking about how wrong emotional affairs are. And how the interfere with building intimacy and connections with your spouse. Yet, he was doing it AGAIN!!! I feel like a fool!!!! Of course he denies that this relationship is anything more than a "cousin" thing and he says that he did nothing wrong and that I just don't like him having friends/ relationships with any other women. GASP!!!! I have tried to explain how it is not true and if having a relationship with women mean secret texting, emailing, phone calls, gifts, meetings, and asking them if they love you, then "NO," he cannot have women friends!!!

Am I being unfair here? I have even asked him outright about his relationship with his cousin as I started to get a weird feeling about it. Of course he lied and made me feel like I had problems for even thinking such a thing.

I am at the end of my rope! I have asked him to leave our home and he will not go back to his mother's because she is disgusted by his behavior and doesn't want to listen to her either and we cannot afford for him to get an apartment and pay our mortgage.

He has agreed and made an appointments to go to a psychiatrist and a new marriage counselor, but I just don't know if I should try anymore. Maybe he is a lost cause. I just don't know. My kids and I don't deserve any of this. But, I struggle with being concerned for his mental health and wonder if his behavior is connected with that. Or, Maybe he is just a selfish jerk who wants to do what he wants to do and he just doesn't love me. Ugh!!!!!

I need advice. Please share your thoughts.
Thank you!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Welcome to Talkaboutmarriage - hopefully you can find some comfort here. I am sorry you have to go through all of this. My advice may be counter-intuitive and you may think it is somewhat off base, but then, it's just free advice, and you are free to consider it all you want, and reject, or accept all or some of it.

Some observations/questions: I notice that in the past affairs, you've gone to counseling to try to do something or other. You weren't very clear on the purpose of the counseling - what was the point? People tend to head to a counselor whenever infidelity occurs in the marriage - it seems to be assumed that by sitting in a small office somewhere that somehow things will be fixed. That is rarely the case, unless there is specific work done by both partners outside the office.

So - what have you (both) done to work on the trouble? 

My point: affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They are usually the perceived solution to some preexisting problem. And I doubt that it is _depression_ that is the root of your husband turning to other women. If it was truly depression, he'd be more likely to neglect eating, sit and do nothing, etc. 

My guess is that there are unresolved issues in your marriage that need to be addressed before this problem will end. The problems you are facing could be the result of you both trying to solve the wrong problems.

I also question his need for meds to get over depression. This is such a common thing nowadays - people exhibit signs of withdrawal, sadness, etc., and they are immediately medicated to create the appearance that they are back to normal - when in reality they are simply drugged into some drone-like similarity of reality. We live in a drug-dependent culture. One of the huge problems with the medications given to people (Xanax, Prosac, etc.,) is that they create a need for themselves - they create more depression which then leads to needing the medication. Drug companies profit off of this. 

There is only ONE kind of depression that needs to be treated medically - and that one is very rare. It is when the person has an actual biological issue that needs external support.

Your husband is most likely acting out (as you write) 'what he wants to do...' And yes, he is not loving you. Again, I differ from a lot of people - I do not believe that love is a _feeling_. I believe it is _action._ It is HOW you treat someone. The emotions attached are many: comfort, gratitude, affection, lust, happiness, etc. In essence, your husband is looking for other women to fill the needs for which he should turn to you.

You are quite right to have certain boundaries that you are not willing to cross: you don't want a spouse who gives his faithfulness to other women, etc. And you are also right that your husband must converse with other women only as long as you are in the loop. That's part of the vow he made when he married you. If he didn't want to make that choice, he should have told you in the beginning - giving you the choice to marry him or not depending on more complete information.

So, you have some work to do, as far as I can see:

1) Familiarize yourself with the concepts we use on this website:

How affairs start
Love Busters
The Love Bank
Love Extinguishers
Emotional Needs
The purpose of no contact
Steps to recovering your marriage
Some basic concepts (Affaircare)
Some basic concepts (Marriage Builders)

2) Consider a separation again - but with this caveat: He pays for it all himself. None of this 'we cannot afford for him to get an apartment and pay our mortgage...' - HE pays for his apartment, etc. As long as you finance his affairs he will continue. Let his start seeing some more radical consequences. If you were divorced, would you still be paying his bills? 

There is a lot of work to do - and you can do a lot yourself, before you seek another counselor. In fact, I'd suggest that it is better to learn all you can BEFORE you seek counsel, just so that you have some more information to help you find a counselor that will work with you to save your marriage.

Now, I write all of this under the impression that you want to save your marriage. You are under no moral obligation to stay married: repeated infidelity is more than enough grounds for divorce. My arguments are always for the marriage, though, so I will not advise that...

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via FoxyTunes


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

Wow! Thanks so much for the very thorough response. I will be reading up on the information you have provided.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

Pacmouse, my story is alot like yours except my husband is leaving me for the women he is having EA with hoping she lusts for him to. 

This is really a hard place to be and I can relate. If my husband was willing to work on things I would give him another chance. Even if it might not be the thing to do. Maybe with the help of all the information you read you can both overcome this problem.


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