# Going to a concert sans Husband



## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

So there is this concert that I really really REALLY want to attend. H has no interest in going...NONE! 

Everyone is telling me to do things for myself. Things that will make me happy. Going to this concert WILL make me happy. The fallout of going to this concert without the H will be astronomical! (even though he does not want to go)

Old me is saying...don't go....make H happy.

New me is saying....eff that noise!! *purchase tickets*

Dilemmas....

On a different but similar note...I told H about this new place here in town that looks like a lot of fun to go to. He agreed, but not with much enthusiasm. A few weeks later H sends me a text "A group of people from my work are planning on going to that place you showed me. I signed us up to go with them." Me: "Ok. I don't know these work people, but sure that place looks fun. I had rather thought/mentioned we would go together or together with the kids or with our nieces or family, but that's cool....you know these people better than I do. Sounds like fun!" 

He does this to me frequently....I show/tell him something..then someone else shows/tells him the same thing and IT'S THE BEST EFFING IDEA EVER! I always compromise/give in. Him never.



Any resounding words of wisdom?!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah...


He's a d!ck.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Grab you BFF and GO to the concert. If your lucky the fallout will be he gives you the silent treatment. I have gone to a couple of concerts without hubby and he is perfectly fine with it. Your husband sound controlling.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He's a big baby if there is fallout because you go to a concert without him vs. waste money on his going with you and begin sullen. Sounds like he'll be an ass either way so go and enjoy.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Go. Let him sulk at home like a child.


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## Darwin17 (Sep 29, 2015)

My wife will go to a concert without me and I don't have a problem with that. I can't stand going to a hippie concert and she can go with friends so I don't have to worry about her. I don't see the problem with that unless he has some sort of freak-out. You are both adults and he needs to act like one.

Now the showing him places and not having enthusiasm vs. his friends showing it........take the prerogative and just take him instead of waiting for him to take the lead.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Why would the fallout of you going to a concert he has no interest in be "astronomical"? If he has no interest in seeing the show he should watch the kids and you should be able to have a night out with your friends, it is an easy compromise.

As for why he hears everything that other people are talking about and thinks it is the best idea ever, as if you hadn't already talked about it. That is a common problem in relationships with bad communication as a core issue. He is used to either tuning you out or writing off your ideas as not being important enough to pay attention to. He doesn't tune his coworkers or friends out because they hold him to a different standard.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Darwin17 said:


> My wife will go to a concert without me and I don't have a problem with that. I can't stand going to a hippie concert and she can go with friends so I don't have to worry about her. I don't see the problem with that unless he has some sort of freak-out. You are both adults and he needs to act like one.
> 
> Now the showing him places and not having enthusiasm vs. his friends showing it........take the prerogative and just take him instead of waiting for him to take the lead.



You're right! I should have just said "This looks like fun! I made reservations for us..blah blah blah.."

I need to reactivate my ballz.....lol


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

do you mean you'd go to the concert alone? or with a friend?

if he's mad about that, yes, that's unreasonable (unless you both had another obligation that night, or your 'friend' is some guy)

the coworkers thing? A new place in town is usually on a lot of people's list of things to try...so maybe it was a coincidence. At least he included you. Maybe he didn't realize you wanted dibs on it.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

ReidWright said:


> do you mean you'd go to the concert alone? or with a friend?
> 
> if he's mad about that, yes, that's unreasonable (unless you both had another obligation that night, or your 'friend' is some guy)
> 
> the coworkers thing? A new place in town is usually on a lot of people's list of things to try...so maybe it was a coincidence. At least he included you. Maybe he didn't realize you wanted dibs on it.


I wanted to go with him originally. I would prefer to go with a friend/coworker/family member, but I would totally go alone if that was the only option....(which would be so out of my comfort box!).


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

No dilemma at all. It is okay to be selfish, I call it treating yourself, when it is feasible. It becomes selfish when it is only for you, all the time and it hurts others. Like your husband ignoring your suggestions and making them his own.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

CatJayBird said:


> I wanted to go with him originally. I would prefer to go with a friend/coworker/family member, but I would totally go alone if that was the only option....(which would be so out of my comfort box!).



*Go to the concert with a friend, especially if it is outside of your comfort zone. You haven't said why it would be such a big issue with your H but it shouldn't be. Talk to him about it ahead of time so he knows he is watching the kids.*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Words of wisdom? Sure, your husband doesn't like to do things one on one with you. This may be a shame on me admission but I was the same way with my wife (ex). For a bunch of reasons I just didn't enjoy one on one events with her later in our marriage, we liked a lot of the same things but the way we enjoyed those things was very different. When every others were included it gave me a bit of a buffer so made going more appealing. 

As for him being upset if you go somewhere without him unless he has reasons to be suspicious he's just insecure or controlling, or both.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

CatJayBird said:


> I wanted to go with him originally. I would prefer to go with a friend/coworker/family member, but I would totally go alone if that was the only option....(which would be so out of my comfort box!).


yeah, I don't understand why he'd get mad at any of those options.

Marriage isn't meant to be a prison sentence. 

Does he have a rational argument against you going? (costs too much, you're a drunk driver, etc etc)


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> On a different but similar note...I told H about this new place here in town that looks like a lot of fun to go to. He agreed, but not with much enthusiasm. A few weeks later H sends me a text "A group of people from my work are planning on going to that place you showed me. I signed us up to go with them." Me: "Ok. I don't know these work people, but sure that place looks fun. I had rather thought/mentioned we would go together or together with the kids or with our nieces or family, but that's cool....you know these people better than I do. Sounds like fun!"
> 
> He does this to me frequently....I show/tell him something..then someone else shows/tells him the same thing and IT'S THE BEST EFFING IDEA EVER! I always compromise/give in. Him never.
> 
> ...


i used to do this intentionally. My contrarian stbx enjoyed saying no to me. I'd get a mutual friend to suggest whatever it was so that he'd think "IT'S THE BEST EFFING IDEA EVER!". 

Have you ever seen My big fat greek wedding? There's a scene where the mom and the aunt convince the dad that he's solved their big problem by giving them what they wanted all along.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCtyg0n1no0


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> *Go to the concert with a friend, especially if it is outside of your comfort zone. You haven't said why it would be such a big issue with your H but it shouldn't be. Talk to him about it ahead of time so he knows he is watching the kids.*



He would say "Why do you want to do things without me?" "Who's gonna be there?" "Which one of the guys do you have a crush on?" ...and so on.... With all that... sulking, whiney, etc....


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Cooper said:


> Words of wisdom? Sure, your husband doesn't like to do things one on one with you. This may be a shame on me admission but I was the same way with my wife (ex). For a bunch of reasons I just didn't enjoy one on one events with her later in our marriage, we liked a lot of the same things but the way we enjoyed those things was very different. When every others were included it gave me a bit of a buffer so made going more appealing.
> 
> As for him being upset if you go somewhere without him unless he has reasons to be suspicious he's just insecure or *controlling*, or both.


^^

He says he enjoys doing things with me..being with me, but who knows. And we don't hardly like any of the same things...other than our kids..


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

Tell him you want to go to the concert. Give him the option of going with or you taking a friend/family member. Don't be a B about it, but let him know this is something you really want and you would like him to go as well.

I used to turn down my wife for things like this, then get mad when she would go alone. Then I got to where she would not even ask if I was interested, THEN I got mad because I was not invited. I learned to let it go, and also to go do things she enjoys just as she does things I enjoy. We are MUCH better off because of it. Don't get me wrong, she had to change her attitude as well.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

ReidWright said:


> yeah, I don't understand why he'd get mad at any of those options.
> 
> Marriage isn't meant to be a prison sentence.
> 
> Does he have a rational argument against you going? (costs too much, you're a drunk driver, etc etc)


Nope.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

CatJayBird said:


> He would say "Why do you want to do things without me?" "Who's gonna be there?" "Which one of the guys do you have a crush on?" ...and so on.... With all that... sulking, whiney, etc....



*That is a crap question since you asked him to go. If he is too selfish to give a little and go with you then he should be more than happy to have you go with a friend. It doesn't sound like you do this sort of thing often at all. As for him being sulky and whiney that is immature and he is just acting up to get you to not go. Which is why I would if I were you.

I have to go to concerts for my job. My Ex absolutely hated going to them and almost never went, but he never once made me feel like I should stay at home with him. He was always welcome to come and he knew that, but they were not something he enjoyed. We did spend a lot of time together otherwise so it was never an issue.

This all seems like minor stuff, but there seems to be underlying issues that should be worked on now. Are you two spending time together as a couple, just the two of you?

Have you read "His Needs Her Needs"?*


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> He would say "Why do you want to do things without me?" "Who's gonna be there?" "Which one of the guys do you have a crush on?" ...and so on.... With all that... sulking, whiney, etc....


the only remedy to this kind of controlling behavior, is to establish clear boundaries, or manipulate him into thinking that his control is still intact while you do your own thing.

Boundaries are a healthier option, if you can manage that.

Looking through the smoke screen, he's controlling. It seems like he's accusing you of cheating, while trying not to actually say that. Fear of abandonment. A firm wall must be set against that line of questioning. He cannot be told that you will never leave, or that you could leave without activating the crazy. A firm, "Do not talk to me that way".


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> *That is a crap question since you asked him to go. If he is too selfish to give a little and go with you then he should be more than happy to have you go with a friend. It doesn't sound like you do this sort of thing often at all. As for him being sulky and whiney that is immature and he is just acting up to get you to not go. Which is why I would if I were you.
> 
> I have to go to concerts for my job. My Ex absolutely hated going to them and almost never went, but he never once made me feel like I should stay at home with him. He was always welcome to come and he knew that, but they were not something he enjoyed. We did spend a lot of time together otherwise so it was never an issue.
> 
> ...


Oh...we have lots of things we are working on. Things came to a head in June (?). I've been in IC since May. We've been in MC since July. Still trying to successfully fit in together time, other than in the evening after the kids (4..not age 4, but 4 total) are in bed.

We both started that book, but I'm having some difficulty with the concepts.... I do NOT fit into the typical woman stereotype so I'm having difficulty relating...lol


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> the only remedy to this kind of controlling behavior, is to establish clear boundaries, or manipulate him into thinking that his control is still intact while you do your own thing.
> 
> Boundaries are a healthier option, if you can manage that.
> 
> Looking through the smoke screen, he's controlling. It seems like he's accusing you of cheating, while trying not to actually say that. Fear of abandonment. A firm wall must be set against that line of questioning. He cannot be told that you will never leave, or that you could leave without activating the crazy. A firm, "Do not talk to me that way".


I have started a book called "Boundaries" that someone here suggested to me.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> So there is this concert that I really really REALLY want to attend. H has no interest in going...NONE!
> 
> Everyone is telling me to do things for myself. Things that will make me happy. Going to this concert WILL make me happy. The fallout of going to this concert without the H will be astronomical! (even though he does not want to go)
> 
> ...



step 1 - You said you wanted to go
step 2 - He listen to what you said but it wasn't a priority to act on
step 3 - Others said they were going
step 4 - He recalled that you said you were interested in going
step 5 - He was considerate enough to remember your wish and now make it a priority to go
step 6 - Now that you get to go and he's put it into his calendar, you're being an arse about it.

there are no spaces or subplots between the steps.

Thinking you should both do the 5 love language test so that you can learn to communicate.

As for the concert pay for that out of your budgeted allowance, and it's your call.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> step 1 - You said you wanted to go
> step 2 - He listen to what you said but it wasn't a priority to act on
> step 3 - Others said they were going
> step 4 - He recalled that you said you were interested in going
> ...


I am not being an arse about it...I'm just stating the fact that this is how it always goes. I never said anything arselike about it or said I wasn't going! It's the priority word.....It's misplaced to begin with.

Yep...we have done the 5LL tests...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> That is a crap question since you asked him to go. If he is too selfish to give a little and go with you then he should be more than happy to have you go with a friend. It doesn't sound like you do this sort of thing often at all. As for him being sulky and whiney that is immature and he is just acting up to get you to not go. Which is why I would if I were you.]


Too selfish? Because he might find the experience detestable. And had pay money and time that could have been used usefully elsewhere, and that if he goes then be complained about later for being inattentive, sleeping, fidgeting, or showing signs of torture; or overly critical if he does observe and comment.

"sulky and whiny"? What because he isn't overjoyed about it, or that he has emotional investment in your _relationship_ that it painful that you should flip off spreading time with him for some really uninteresting painful stuff, that you'll go on and on about with your friends as if that's the fun thing to do and completely exclude him. Heck - why bother sharing a home, just chuck him out with the cat at night. Feed him before sending him to work in the morning to pay for your biological offspring. After all why were you married? To spend time with each other? To share time together doing pleasant things? Because you openly communicate with him your feelings, fully, truthfully, and with adjustment, or failing to mention things? or are you just in it for the sex?

Personally I really think you should give the poor guy a break, and divorce now before he wastes too much of his life catering to your whims and putting your priorities above his own.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Too selfish? Because he might find the experience detestable. And had pay money and time that could have been used usefully elsewhere, and that if he goes then be complained about later for being inattentive, sleeping, fidgeting, or showing signs of torture; or overly critical if he does observe and comment.
> 
> "sulky and whiny"? What because he isn't overjoyed about it, or that he has emotional investment in your _relationship_ that it painful that you should flip off spreading time with him for some really uninteresting painful stuff, that you'll go on and on about with your friends as if that's the fun thing to do and completely exclude him. Heck - why bother sharing a home, just chuck him out with the cat at night. Feed him before sending him to work in the morning to pay for your biological offspring. After all why were you married? To spend time with each other? To share time together doing pleasant things? Because you openly communicate with him your feelings, fully, truthfully, and with adjustment, or failing to mention things? or are you just in it for the sex?
> 
> Personally I really think you should give the poor guy a break, and divorce now before he wastes too much of his life catering to your whims and putting your priorities above his own.


WOW! I'm not sure if you are directing this to me or kristin2349...

A. I would NEVER *



complained about later for being inattentive, sleeping, fidgeting, or showing signs of torture; or overly critical if he does observe and comment

Click to expand...

* or *



that you'll go on and on about with your friends as if that's the fun thing to do and completely exclude him.

Click to expand...

*

And 2. My priorities have NEVER come first....

I'm sorry something has obviously hit a nerve..

#thatisall


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've taken a guy friend of ours twice to a Rock concert that my husband really wasn't interested in going.. he'd rather me be with another adult .. than just me & a couple teens...just happens that our Guy friend loves the group as much as I do.... why buy an extra ticket if he'd feel like he was in Hell... we joke about that.. 

But then he has also attended twice with me -to see this group -just because... he could take it or leave it really... he's a good sport.... the one time we were in the mosh pit - surfing people over our heads.. that was a new experience for us !...we laugh about it now..

But yeah...your husband, for whatever reason is just NOT BEING FAIR TO YOU..... but selfish .. and yes.. controlling.. Is he like this in others areas too.. his way or the highway?

I say Grab a good friend, buy the tickets and enjoy yourself! If you did just this.. what will he do?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CatJayBird said:


> And *we don't hardly like any of the same things*...other than our kids..


This does not bode well for a happy marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Too selfish? Because he might find the experience detestable. And had pay money and time that could have been used usefully elsewhere, and that if he goes then be complained about later for being inattentive, sleeping, fidgeting, or showing signs of torture; or overly critical if he does observe and comment.
> 
> "sulky and whiny"? What because he isn't overjoyed about it, or that he has emotional investment in your _relationship_ *that it painful that you should flip off spreading time with him *for some really uninteresting painful stuff, that you'll go on and on about with your friends as if that's the fun thing to do and completely exclude him. Heck - why bother sharing a home, just chuck him out with the cat at night. Feed him before sending him to work in the morning to pay for your biological offspring. *After all why were you married? To spend time with each other? *To share time together doing pleasant things? Because you openly communicate with him your feelings, fully, truthfully, and with adjustment, or failing to mention things? or are you just in it for the sex?
> 
> Personally I really think you should give the poor guy a break, and divorce now before he wastes too much of his life catering to your whims and putting your priorities above his own.


Lol, it's ONE concert she wants to go to. She's not flipping off spending time with him - she invited him. HE is flipping off spending time with her. Which is fine; it's ONE concert.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

On the trying new places issue:

Could it be him simply warming up to your idea first and then his friends push him? Does a friend suggests something first but he does not really warm up to it until you push it? Then that's who you married and what is really bugging you about your marriage? 

If you are a CPA and he takes finiancial advise from TV and radio shows that contradicts your's all the time: now that is a problem. 

As to the concert if it was me: with friends fine. Alone no way. Regardless of gender, regardless of relationship, no way. 

So, which it ?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> I am not being an arse about it...I'm just stating the fact that this is how it always goes. I never said anything arselike about it or said I wasn't going! It's the priority word.....It's misplaced to begin with.
> 
> Yep...we have done the 5LL tests...


Congradulations, you failed the test.

I wasn't _asking_ if you were being an arse about it.
I was informing you that from the other person's perspective that you _are_.
He did a positive so you slap down his action as negative - if he tries more positives, guess where that is going to lead you. And the more you both keep working in that direction the more sacrifice, frustration and pain you will both go through.


bet he would be sitting there thinking, f..k if I get concert tickets now, she'll have a b.tch about that too.


Re: allowance you need to have a family budget - even if it's just the basics. It needs to have a spending allowance in it for each of you. One rule about that allowance ... No Presents. If your 5LL is present/gifts put that in separate between you.

I know it's a weird thing but most men get married because they want to spend _more_ time with their girl. they want to share social outings, share memorable moments, share achievements they proud of, get very deep intimate emotional bonds ... note that in this one some men are _conditioned_ to avoid that male weakness and forced to adapt to provider/social standing/money roles as an expression of that emotional bond.

If you want a relationship that doesn't spend time with your partner... then you really have to start working out just exactly, and literally, what relationship you actually want, rather than hoping it'll organically just kind of happen. Because he isn't going to be able to give you any kind of successful relationship if neither of you know where you're going. And it sounds, right now, that you both are going in different directions and have very different hopes for the marriage. 
In his case, young, immature, I'm thinking he's hoping for the get rich, babe wife, proud child, get a decent job without too much stress, get some nice home & safe pension under his belt, spend as much time making with the wild nookie with his hunny. Is that your ideal marriage?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Too selfish? Because he might find the experience detestable. And had pay money and time that could have been used usefully elsewhere, and that if he goes then be complained about later for being inattentive, sleeping, fidgeting, or showing signs of torture; or overly critical if he does observe and comment.
> 
> "sulky and whiny"? What because he isn't overjoyed about it, or that he has emotional investment in your _relationship_ that it painful that you should flip off spreading time with him for some really uninteresting painful stuff, that you'll go on and on about with your friends as if that's the fun thing to do and completely exclude him. Heck - why bother sharing a home, just chuck him out with the cat at night. Feed him before sending him to work in the morning to pay for your biological offspring. After all why were you married? To spend time with each other? To share time together doing pleasant things? Because you openly communicate with him your feelings, fully, truthfully, and with adjustment, or failing to mention things? or are you just in it for the sex?
> 
> Personally I really think you should give the poor guy a break, and divorce now before he wastes too much of his life catering to your whims and putting your priorities above his own.


Ha ha hahahaha sometimes you overplay your men first dogma. It's why I never know if you are trolling or serious. You'll make a good on topic post in a thread, then make the same type of comment in another one that is completely out of place.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Ha ha hahahaha sometimes you overplay your men first dogma. It's why I never know if you are trolling or serious. You'll make a good on topic post in a thread, then make the same type of comment in another one that is completely out of place.


It's not men first. It's about looking after oneself, male or female, first.

Sadly menfolk are expected to be outgoing, generous, good earners, giving of time and endless patience, to know everything yet withhold that knowledge, and to provide entertainment. 
While such things are clearly impossible as a continuous behaviour; there is a clear expectation of giving gifts, buying meals, taking a prospective partner out to interesting places, and eventually setting up a home for her and any children involved in the relationship.
While these things are positive options for the modern woman, they are must haves for a man to be eligible.

While a people may give each others gifts, and there is expectation of free receiving - or of reciprocation; such activity is _required_ for the male. 
This also goes for a lot of the less traditional relationships were many men struggle to fulfill the role of good father despite incorrect advice and shifting goalposts, in a world which constantly heckles them as incompetent, failures, stupid, and violent.

With the case of the Original Poster, she described a very common occurrence, and made a very common judgement about it. But we find ourselves in the role of the Marriage Counselor - it makes no difference who *caused* the problem, the *only* way to find a solution is to work with the person wanting to change things. In this case, she posted his heinous acts, so as a male who has worked though this (and in a polyamorous relationship, with both boyfriend and girlfriend, been on both sides of the experience...simultaneously!) I can offer the insight which she does not have.
It he was to post the same complaint, then the advice would be "why didn't you listen to your wife, she is your NUMBER ONE client, your 2ic, and the person who is supposed to have your back, so how can she do that if you won't work with her or ignore her calls?"

It's only as we pick at the knot does it start to come unraveled.
Yet that will do us no good if one partner is incapable of sharing, or is only out for their own interest.
Which might sound horrible, but once we start picking at the knot, we start to realise things like "baby brain" do exist for many people, and thus it is important to have the right tools to cope with it - before both parties go too far down the track.

Our modern world is position on top of the corrupt remains of previous systems. Sadly it is still required that many people struggle for reasonable income...and that the struggle is what actually gives social meaning to their lives. However without such controls, the least controlled humans would continue to populate their area until it failed. I get feedback from interesting people and social conditions throughout the world - places like urban Africa and cities in Europe, the Middle East, Asia, US, Australasia. Working through the cultural, religious, and value systems to see what makes humans tick; what stimuli the respond to and how they shape and cope with their environment. Many of the things down in the West would be extremely toxic in the Europe and Africa, and vice versa. Yet the people in the privileged countries are unbelievably immature and isolated in their thinking. Just as harder places in the world are far more rigid.
So what principles stay the same? That it is the acting persons responsibility to observe, think, and act - only they can evaluate their environment and resources, and GOALS. Some people do absolutely refuse to discuss such things - so it is important male or female to decide if your partner is one of those, and whether, with informed consent, that is something you want in your life. Because only the acting person can make the choice for their life , we can only offer what I did - a perspective from the other side.

- Addend: Oh, and for the bloke (and also the gal) why go through all that, if the a.hole is just going to split when they feel like moving on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> He is currently thinking about FLYING to another city to attend a concert with someone from work. Mind boggling. He has actually "asked" in a passive aggressive way. Because with the trip, hotel rooms, tickets, meals et al, it will be about $600 for him to do this. We cannot afford it. I will say nothing.
> 
> I DID say that in general I thought it was strange. And I set up the hypothetical of me traveling with a female co-worker to a distant city to see a concert. The silence was deafening.
> 
> ...


 This has to be very difficult intheory.. it shouldn't be this way.. unfortunately many spouses NEED a taste of their own poison (or was it medicine) to see how the other feels... this is almost like doing a 180 of sorts... living your own life on your own terms.. hoping he will MISS what once was .. (the give & take, togetherness, good times)...coming to appreciate what has been lost. 

I wish so much more for you Intheory ... If I was in these shoes.. I could see trying to get a rise out of him.. I'd look for a guy friend to go with me.. just to see how he'd react.. Nagging rarely works.. but some jealousy just might!! And how dare he suddenly CARE all of a sudden.. Probably not the best advice out there.. but sometimes a spouse needs stirred up a bit to get their attention.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> It's not men first. It's about looking after oneself, male or female, first.
> 
> Sadly menfolk are expected to be outgoing, generous, good earners, giving of time and endless patience, to know everything yet withhold that knowledge, and to provide entertainment.
> While such things are clearly impossible as a continuous behaviour; there is a clear expectation of giving gifts, buying meals, taking a prospective partner out to interesting places, and eventually setting up a home for her and any children involved in the relationship.
> ...


Thanks, but I still by what I said.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> No, it shouldn't be this way. And I guess it's partly my fault. I wanted to be spared the drama of always fighting to be heard. I fought a bit in the beginning of our relationship; but I just hated it. So, I chose to "rise above" such behavior. Good in some ways, bad in others, I guess.
> 
> Hanging out with other men would be very dangerous for me right now.


 it's dangerous because you're not getting your emotional needs met by your husband.. and you haven't for a long time... you probably feel like you are thirsting in the desert... or you've become numb... it explains why there are so many affairs... for sure..

It sounds you have been "the giver " ..so ready /willing to DO what he wants, BE what he wants (I bet) & he's taken advantage of this.... He's become spoiled...the consistent "TAKER" - just living for himself ... anything HE wants, even if that means time away with his buddies, over nights, very little consideration of you left at home... 

You have a tremendous amount of patience, and have been *too sacrificial*.. so I feel. I can understand WHY people fall into affairs living in such shoes.. not that it's Ok.. I just UNDERSTAND it....Your husband has contributed to your suffering causing a great void. 



> Interesting that you went to a concert w/o Mr.SA, and with another guy. But, you two have such a strong relationship, it's probably why that was non-threatening to him; and you felt safe with it too.


We've known him for 23 yrs...harmless...H well knows he gets on my nerves at times , plus I would never in this world be romantically interested in him.. 

This last concert, a month ago... Husband planned on going with us (son & GF too)... then literally 10 minutes before we leave, this friend pulls in our driveway.... we never told him we were going!.... He loves Shinedown as much as I do..







...and I always tell him when there is a concert....(the last one all 3 of us went together).... thing is.. he is always broke.. so we always bought his ticket..

Anyway...I was like "OH no.. what do we do!, we never told him we're going!"....then this light bulb came on..







...H didn't want to go anyway... especially since we did't have seats.. on the floor again...(possible mosh pit mayhem / kicked in the head, beer spilled on us)...so we both decided before he hit the door.. to see if he wanted to take Husband's place...to spare him 3 hrs of misery... 

He was thrilled ... we made his night ... so off we went.. Talk about last minute changes! 

When it comes to Concert going... I think it's best to go with those who LOVE the band.. then at least everyone is happy... this gives a night out with friends anyway...


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

CatJayBird said:


> So there is this concert that I really really REALLY want to attend. H has no interest in going...NONE!
> 
> Everyone is telling me to do things for myself. Things that will make me happy. Going to this concert WILL make me happy. The fallout of going to this concert without the H will be astronomical! (even though he does not want to go)
> 
> ...


You can't live your life being pleaser. It's one thing to do stuff to make your loved ones happy, but it's another to deprive yourself of innocent fun because husband doesn't want you to go without him. It sounds very controlling to me. I could understand if you wanted to go to said concert with just a guy friend or something, that would be inappropriate.

Would you go by yourself? With female friends?

As for the thing with the new restaurant, that can be a typical male thing. I had a good idea the other day, and then the next day hubby suggested it like it was his great new idea (it blows my mind, does he really not remember that I said it? LOL!). Maybe he wasn't really listening when I said it and it was floating around in his subconscious and popped out :grin2: But if I just go along with it, wow what a great idea! He feels super happy that he's made me happy, and goes ahead to make it happen to impress me even more. If I point out that duh, I said that the other day and you barely said anything - but it IS a good idea so why don't we do it? I reckon I'd be left to do it myself. I think it's an ego thing.

In your case with the restaurant - it would have been more romantic for him to book a table for two, but before he could get around to it his work thing came about and he thought - what a great idea to take her there, because I remember she really wanted to try it out. I would be thankful for the invitation, go along - and if you like the place suggest a date night there for next time with a sexy wink.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ReidWright said:


> do you mean you'd go to the concert alone? or with a friend?
> 
> if he's mad about that, yes, that's unreasonable (unless you both had another obligation that night, or your 'friend' is some guy)
> 
> *the coworkers thing? A new place in town is usually on a lot of people's list of things to try...so maybe it was a coincidence. At least he included you. Maybe he didn't realize you wanted dibs on it.*


oh dear, where is the dislike button.



> At least he included you.


yes, thank God for small things. Maybe one day he will even marry you, OP........ oh that's right you two are already married.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Words of wisdom? Sure, your husband doesn't like to do things one on one with you. This may be a shame on me admission but I was the same way with my wife (ex). *For a bunch of reasons I just didn't enjoy one on one events with her later in our marriage, we liked a lot of the same things but the way we enjoyed those things was very different. *When every others were included it gave me a bit of a buffer so made going more appealing.
> 
> As for him being upset if you go somewhere without him unless he has reasons to be suspicious he's just insecure or controlling, or both.


Interesting. Do you think if you or she had something differently, it would have made a difference?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I DID say that in general I thought it was strange. And I set up the hypothetical of me traveling with a female co-worker to a distant city to see a concert. The silence was deafening.
> 
> I'm starting to think I would go places without him.


I am convinced that to some degree a husband likes the that he is married to an individual who has good social skills.

My husband moans from time to time when I mention club activities. I let him know that I am going with or without him. 

I think in the long run he likes the fact that I keep us connected with other people while he doesn't have to put in the work.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

NextTimeAround said:


> Interesting. Do you think if you or she had something differently, it would have made a difference?


Not sure what you mean by the question.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Not sure what you mean by the question.


Just wondering whether, with the benefit of hindsight, had you or she done something differently, could you have overcome your disinterest in going out one on one with your wife.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

NextTimeAround said:


> Just wondering whether, with the benefit of hindsight, had you or she done something differently, could you have overcome your disinterest in going out one on one with your wife.


I would say one of us would have had to fake it the entire time. I like to have fun but am quiet and reserved, she developed hysterical personality disorder and all her actions were way over the top. I don't want to hijack this thread so the short story is we got tired of pretending and once we faced our differences we were too far apart, neither of us enjoyed the others company.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cooper said:


> I would say one of us would have had to fake it the entire time. I like to have fun but am quiet and reserved, she developed hysterical personality disorder and all her actions were way over the top. I don't want to hijack this thread so the short story is we got tired of pretending and once we faced our differences we were too far apart, neither of us enjoyed the others company.


I would not worry about a thread jack. What you have said is thoroughly relevant to why married couples may not want to go out "on dates" with each other anymore.

My exH fell out of love with me. So I revisit that period from time to time. I can see some really pivotal moments in that relationship now. And I feel wiser for it.

In fact, what you just wrote is very similar to the growing disconnect I had my exH. So yes, I do make an effort with my current husband to keep my moods more in line with his.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

JohnA said:


> On the trying new places issue:
> 
> Could it be him simply warming up to your idea first and then his friends push him? Does a friend suggests something first but he does not really warm up to it until you push it? Then that's who you married and what is really bugging you about your marriage?
> 
> ...


I don't think it's a warm up period. He has flat out told me he "has to purge info from his brain" and the stuff I say goes first.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Thanks everyone for replying! We talked about this some more today. I told him how I was really wanting to go and I would like for us to both go. He said he wants me to go, but not alone. I needed to find someone to go with me. I told him I didn't want to upset him and him think I wasn't wanting to spend time with him. He said he knows. He knows this is something out of my comfort zone and will be new doing something for me. So I purchased the tickets and asked my niece to go with me!! I'm so excited!!

I'm getting a little cold shoulder now, but it's tolerable. I'm just waiting for the guilt trip comments to start. The next few days will be tense I'm sure.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

CatJayBird said:


> Thanks everyone for replying! We talked about this some more today. I told him how I was really wanting to go and I would like for us to both go. He said he wants me to go, but not alone. I needed to find someone to go with me. I told him I didn't want to upset him and him think I wasn't wanting to spend time with him. He said he knows. He knows this is something out of my comfort zone and will be new doing something for me. So I purchased the tickets and asked my niece to go with me!! I'm so excited!!
> 
> I'm getting a little cold shoulder now, but it's tolerable. I'm just waiting for the guilt trip comments to start. The next few days will be tense I'm sure.


Not wanting you to go alone is understandable from an enjoyment and safety perspective. You sound like you've found a good compromise. 

I had the opposite recently. There is a band i love but my wife really isn't keen although she said she would come. I found friends that were going and she didn't have to suffer for 4 hours. Everyone was happy! 

Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

OMG! The concert was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

It was late when I got home last night and this morning was hectic as usual, so not really much interaction with H. He sent me a random email this morning saying "super overwhelmed. too much to think about". I responded asking what I could do to help and just got a blow off answer. 

I'm a little nervous about going home....I don't want confrontation...I don't want him to take away the good feelings I'm having. I will go home in a positive, non-gloating manner (not that I am ever gloating) and try to keep things calm....well as calm as can be with 4 kids.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He can confront all he wants, but if you stay calm and refuse to engage in a fight and don't escalate the conflict, he will wear himself out. A lot of people just want to b*tch when they haven't gotten what they want; it makes them feel better to upset you when they are upset. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't let him make you feel bad for living.

Glad you had a great time at the concert!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

CatJayBird said:


> I don't think it's a warm up period. He has flat out told me he "has to purge info from his brain" and the stuff I say goes first.


I've never heard of a brain that had to purge info before it can take in more. 

If the solution is to tell your wife that what she says is the first to go I'll guess that he forgot to stop the purging when it reached the section holding common sense, respect and manners.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He's an idiot....


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

CatJayBird said:


> OMG! The concert was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> It was late when I got home last night and this morning was hectic as usual, so not really much interaction with H. He sent me a random email this morning saying "super overwhelmed. too much to think about". I responded asking what I could do to help and just got a blow off answer.
> 
> I'm a little nervous about going home....I don't want confrontation...I don't want him to take away the good feelings I'm having. I will go home in a positive, non-gloating manner (not that I am ever gloating) and try to keep things calm....well as calm as can be with 4 kids.



I'm really happy for you that you went and had a good time! 

I hope he doesn't pout like a child. If he does don't coddle him or act like you feel guilty, just stay calm and behave normally. You have done nothing wrong, he told you to go.


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