# Need help



## vanderwaltestelle79 (8 mo ago)

Hi all. Im new and are very lost and need advise. We are married 17 years now and have 2 kids. About a year and a half ago my husband told me he had an emosional affair with a women. I was devastated. We tried to work things out. Then last year in June he told me that him and this women met up again and their relationship got physical and they had sex. Of course I was scattered. Me being me I told him we can move past this. Things were fine for a couple of weeks then everything just went downhill. He would pull away from me. We had a lot of fights. Then it come out he saw her again and they slept together again. I was broken. How can he do this again to me. He ensured me he broke all contact with her and he wants to work on our marriage. Then December everything just fell apart again. He told me that he doesnt love me as he should. He loves me as a friend and that he is still in love with her. I wasnt sure how to handle that one. So I tried all I could for him to fall in love with me again. It has been up and down the whole way since the beginning of the year. I keep asking him is he talking to her as his attitude is different and he keeps saying no. Last week he confessed that they are still talking and he still loves her. I dont know what to do. Divorce isnt something I want to do. So at this stage we are not talking. For either of us to move out is impossible as we both need each other financially. My hart is broken and I dont want to make any wrong discussions.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

vanderwaltestelle79 said:


> Hi all. Im new and are very lost and need advise. We are married 17 years now and have 2 kids. About a year and a half ago my husband told me he had an emosional affair with a women. I was devastated. We tried to work things out. Then last year in June he told me that him and this women met up again and their relationship got physical and they had sex. Of course I was scattered. Me being me I told him we can move past this. Things were fine for a couple of weeks then everything just went downhill. He would pull away from me. We had a lot of fights. Then it come out he saw her again and they slept together again. I was broken. How can he do this again to me. He ensured me he broke all contact with her and he wants to work on our marriage. Then December everything just fell apart again. He told me that he doesnt love me as he should. He loves me as a friend and that he is still in love with her. I wasnt sure how to handle that one. So I tried all I could for him to fall in love with me again. It has been up and down the whole way since the beginning of the year. I keep asking him is he talking to her as his attitude is different and he keeps saying no. Last week he confessed that they are still talking and he still loves her. I dont know what to do. Divorce isnt something I want to do. So at this stage we are not talking. For either of us to move out is impossible as we both need each other financially. My hart is broken and I dont want to make any wrong discussions.


The problem here is that you are rug sweeping his affair and playing the pick me game. Neither of those work. 

You need to be prepared to lose this marriage if you want to rebuild it.


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## vanderwaltestelle79 (8 mo ago)

We have dicussed the affair and I have dealt with it. But the problem is I want to work on the marriage but how do I do it while his still in love with her?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

vanderwaltestelle79 said:


> We have dicussed the affair and I have dealt with it. But the problem is I want to work on the marriage but how do I do it while his still in love with her?


What did you do to deal with it, both individually and as a couple? 

You cannot reconcile while he is having an affair.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It takes two to tango and your husband's dancing shoes are parked under another woman's bed. You can do absolutely nothing to fix this as you didn't break it.

Tell him to go to the other woman and you file for divorce. Tell everyone (and, I mean EVERYONE) what he has been up to. If the woman is married or has a boyfriend, tell them asap; but, do not tell your husband you are going to do it as he'll warn the woman. Stop having sex with him and get yourself to the doctor for std tests. 

Right now, look around the house for where you left your dignity. You don't deserve to be treated like a wife appliance.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

You want to work on the marriage, but he doesn't. You can't make him want to work on the marriage. The only way it can work is if you are both 100$ in on reconciliation, and he needs to be the one leading it. Speak to a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. Many will do the 1st consultation for free. 
He has no reason to change, because he is facing no consequences. Right now he is living in a fantasy world. Your best bet is to try to snap him out of it and make him face reality. Starting divorce procedures is one way of doing this, but you said this is not what you want right now. There are other things you can do. Kick him out of the bedroom, don't cook or do laundry for him. Don't do any favors for him. Do not beg or plead for him to come back. This hardly ever works. 
Quit listening to his words. He is a proven liar and he uses his words to string you along. Judge him by his actions. The very 1st thing that has to happen is he must go full no contact with his affair partner and he must willingly give you full access to all his electronic communications.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The answer to your question is that as long as he’s in love with another woman you can’t work on your marriage because he’s not interested. The best you can do is live as roommates since you say you need each other financially. Of course, that means he gets to date and have lots of fun with her, if he chooses, while he stays in the same home with you and life goes on as usual. Doesn’t sound too appealing, does it?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I caught my wife in an affair at the ten year point of our marriage, I spent the next ten years being a doormat because I thought that's what it would take to save the marriage.

Guess what? I absolutly wasted that second ten years, I should have divorced her instantly. I have come to believe that's once an affair happens their is no linger a marriage to work it saving. Affairs are the stake thru the heart, the silver bullet, the kiss of death, finito!!


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## vanderwaltestelle79 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> What did you do to deal with it, both individually and as a couple?
> 
> You cannot reconcile while he is having an affair.


We tried working on it together and I went for couselling alone as he doesnt believe in councelling. We spoke about the affair and he answered all my questions I had. In a way it made it better but I think the more we spoke about it the more it kept bringing up memories.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

vanderwaltestelle79 said:


> We tried working on it together and I went for couselling alone as he doesnt believe in councelling. We spoke about the affair and he answered all my questions I had. In a way it made it better but I think the more we spoke about it the more it kept bringing up memories.


So HE did NOTHING to earn reconciliation. YOU went to counseling. He did NOTHING -- he didn't figure out why he cheated, he didn't work on trying to make sure he never cheated again, etc.. I would guess he BS'd you when answering "all" of your questions to minimize what he had done.
YES this was rug-swept. Honestly, YOU want to save the marriage but if only ONE person is trying, there really is no way to save it.
Talk with a lawyer.... Even IF you decide not to divorce, at least you will know what divorce would look like for you (finances, child custody/support, etc.) and that fear of the unknown will go away...


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