# Wife had emotional affair--need advice!



## floover

Hi everyone, need some advice, maybe just need to vent.

Just found out a few days ago that my wife was having an EA via texting for about a month. Cognitively I can see that things could be worse--but I just can't see ever coming out of it. I know i care about her, but can't stand to look at her at times, mostly when trying to be civil in front of the kids.

Been together for 12 years, married for 4. 2 amazing kids ages 3 and 5. Our relationship was a rocky beginning, emotional lots of bickering, but we did some work and it's generally been good. I would have said it's gotten better and better. We've coasted a bit on our relationship since our 2nd child was born, but overall we've been happy and spend lots of time together and focus on the kids. Obviously there are some problems with the relationship, but no indication of this (for me).

The texts were mostly mild inuendo, but they said they LOVE each other, which kills me. My wife left her phone out all the time over this period and when I finally checked (sensed something was up-still don't even know how) she admits now that at least subconsciously she wanted me to find out--partly to end it, but also to hurt me. As sick as that is, I actually feel better that this was to hurt me! Is that messed up????

I hate that I'm in the position to save our family and kids now. I think (logically) that it's worth it, but I don't know if I'm that strong. How do I deal with that?

She has already made an appointment for couselling to try to figure out what she was doing. I said I won't go to counselling to talk about this issue, but will to talk about our relationship. If we get there. I'm not interested in talking about what I should have done to prevent this. Is that petty?

I hate that she's done this, but have committed to talking with her about it. She's miserable and hates herself and doesn't know why she did it. I don't doubt that she regrets it. But that doesn't really help...

Right now I want her to feel miserable. I know I do. I know it's weak. But, at the same time, I actually feel sorry for her. I'm so glad it wasn't me! I've always been unfaithful in past relationships and know that feeling. The stakes were never this high though, so i can't imagine. I don't want to tell her this, though. Not yet. Is that wrong? I actually want to console her sometimes, and start to put things back to normal. But I haven't. I want her to wallow, again I realize it's mean-spirited, but I also want her to suffer for this, too. 

Should I just tell her things will (probably) be OK? If she continues with the steps she's taken. I think I think that...

Last question: I don't want to tell anyone about this, neither does she. But that's because I'm ashamed. Do I need to talk to someone about it? For my own sanity? That's why I'm unloading here I guess. I'm convinced that it's ended and reasonably sure that it won't come out unless I tell someone. What's the best course there?

Thanks for reading. I've sifted through a tonne of other posts, thanks for sharing your experiences. Still miserable, though...


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## arbitrator

I'd at least try to get in a couple of sessions of IC, basically to see if MC would be an option for the two of you later on.


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## bandit.45

Welcome friend to the club no one wants to belong to.

Here we go:

1) First, she ends all contact with the OM (other man). Have her send a no contact (NC) email to him, delineating why she will no longer be corresponding with him, that that their relationship is over and that she is going to work on rebuilding her marriage. Proofread it to your satisfaction and sit there and watch her as she sends it.

2) Get into counseling both IC (individual for her) and MC (marriage counseling) for both of you. *Yes, you do need to go*. You are not responsible for her affair, but you are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, which right now is in shambles. I guarantee you things were not as peachy in your marriage as you think they were... not even close. You must be a part of this process. 

3) Without telling your wife, install a *keylogger* program onto the computer she uses to track what she is typing. Cheaters many times have secret e-mail and Facebook accounts that they use to contact each other. Again don't tell your wife you are doing this.

4) She needs to provide full transparency with her computer and cell phone. If she is texting someone ask to see her phone. She should be willing to hand it over to you any time. She is not allowed to delete texts or e-mails she gets by phone. If you do not have an auto backup for her phone to the computer, then install a program that does so. Again, do not tell her you are doing this. Remember, it is not wrong to snoop. There are no secrets in marriage. 

5) Spend at least fifteen (15) hours a week alone time with each other. Talk, argue, laugh, walk, go out on dates, etc., etc., Get used to being with each other again. Your marriage must come before the children. 

Thats just a few items. Others will be along with more.

Buckle up and hold on tight ... you are in for the ride of your life. Good luck!

P.S. Do not tell your wife about this site or that you are posting here! TAM is your safe haven.


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## floover

Thanks for reading and posting. I was in a moment of relative rational thought when i managed to post originally. I'm not now. Back to incredibly angry. Guess that's how it will go...

Mostly what I'm looking for is some advice for dealing with the short term. Don't want to make rash decisions that will affect the long term--just care about the kids right now.

I'm not actually concerned about my wife continuing the affair. I believe that's it's over and she sincerely regrets it. I believe her when she says she will do anything to make things right. Trouble is there's nothing she can do. Not in the short term...

I realize we will have to go to MC if I decide I want to stay married. Right now I don't. Not emotionally anyway. But I realize I'm not thinking rationally and might feel different later.

My feeling is to send her out of the house for awhile. If it wasn't for the kids I would have already. So what have people's experiences been around this? I'd say we're co-parenting fairly well as is, but I don't think she deserves to be here. But, her leaving would involve some sort of made up story for the kids, and obviously be more disruptive to them. Should I just suck it up for awhile?

Our close friends of course know something is up. I've told them we're fighting, but downplayed it--haven't told them the truth. I'm ashamed of course so part of me would be happy to get through it without anyone knowing details.

But I go back and forth on that--partly just want to get it out there. But I can't see clearly the long term results of either.

Any advice on surviving this initial period without closing doors down the road? And minimizing the impact on the kids?


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## Jayb

floover said:


> Thanks for reading and posting. I was in a moment of relative rational thought when i managed to post originally. I'm not now. Back to incredibly angry. Guess that's how it will go...
> 
> Mostly what I'm looking for is some advice for dealing with the short term. Don't want to make rash decisions that will affect the long term--just care about the kids right now.
> 
> I'm not actually concerned about my wife continuing the affair. I believe that's it's over and she sincerely regrets it. I believe her when she says she will do anything to make things right. Trouble is there's nothing she can do. Not in the short term...
> 
> I realize we will have to go to MC if I decide I want to stay married. Right now I don't. Not emotionally anyway. But I realize I'm not thinking rationally and might feel different later.
> 
> My feeling is to send her out of the house for awhile. If it wasn't for the kids I would have already. So what have people's experiences been around this? I'd say we're co-parenting fairly well as is, but I don't think she deserves to be here. But, her leaving would involve some sort of made up story for the kids, and obviously be more disruptive to them. Should I just suck it up for awhile?
> 
> Our close friends of course know something is up. I've told them we're fighting, but downplayed it--haven't told them the truth. I'm ashamed of course so part of me would be happy to get through it without anyone knowing details.
> 
> But I go back and forth on that--partly just want to get it out there. But I can't see clearly the long term results of either.
> 
> Any advice on surviving this initial period without closing doors down the road? And minimizing the impact on the kids?


Channel that anger, fury and hurt elsewhere. Exercising, hobbies, work. Read, pray, learn. Communicate to those you can trust. Do not, DO NOT rely on alchohol at this time. Tighten yourself up, take care of yourself and your children. These emotions are normal. The swings from minute to minute are normal. Allow yourself to process them. Cry. Feel rage. However, allow yourself time for these feelings before making any decisions.

I went through the same situation (including 2 small children) less than a year ago. Except, all the advice I gave you, I didn't follow. Made decisions out of rage and hurt and now regret doing so. Now, those decisions I made are coming back with severe consequences.


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## 2xloser

Floover here's another view: I am 11 months from DDay and we've decided to split, but it took me 10 months to make that decision because I said to myself for my son's sake, if I decided it as over, it was not going to be an emotional gut decision that I might even regret later, and I was going to be able to look into the mirror and be comfortable knowing I tried everything I could to make it work.

Best advice I got here at TAM was to do nothing immediately, give myself time to calm down and think... my rage and ager was going to lead to violence at OM + tossing her to the street. neither would have been good choices, but I was hell-bent on it at the time. I, too, was going to throw her out to 'make her pay' and I am glad I did not even though we are splitting -- because that would not have been what was best for my son. 

I will also say the truth is, time does help. Maybe not ending up with different decisions, but knowing you are thinking more clearly. This is all brand-new to you; remember to think and to breathe before reacting... and to eat. Sleep will come, sooner or later.

As you sort through the anger, try focusing on what got her to this place, what is wrong with the marriage, with her (and maybe with you) that needs 'fixing'... yes, with a good honest look at your own role in that. That is not blaming you, nor justifying what she's done, but gives you an honest look at what it's going to take to fix this, if you choose to do so...plenty of people will tell you, this can actually turn into an opportunity to make your marriage much better if you can get past that "petty" persepctive of talking about how you got here... not "what you should have done to prevent it", because that's living under threat and nobody wants that. But what was missing, what you both needed to do together to avoid the place she got to emotionally... is only going to be understood by talking about it at some point. yes, get yourselves to MC, and you to IC to vent and talk out what you feel. It cannot hurt, can only help. No need to put this out to family & friends, for now, until you decide what you are doing. Remember, you can't take it back once it's out there, and yes people will judge both her and you whether you like it or not, in surprising ways. IF you ultimately decide to stay together, the bond of working through this without outside forces can be helpful. And you can always share later if that is what you need to ultimately do. 

Good luck, sorry you're here.


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## calvin

Start doing the list Bandit laid out for you,now.Time is CRITICAL here,your wife has been in for a month,mine was is for four months before I got ahold of it and ended it,she even met with him a few times in public places,so you can see how this can progress quickly.I wish I would have launched into defensive mode after the sixth week when I had the feeling something was up.
My wife and I are in second month of R but if I had'nt dragged my feet we would be a lot further down the path of healing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floover

'Good luck, sorry you're here.'--That's a great line...sums it up...almost made me smile in spite of it all.

Thanks for the remarks and sharing your experiences. I guess I'll suck it up and try to act civil in the short term, before making any decisions.

There's enough good stuff to work on it, just can't get my emotions to agree...


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## bandit.45

Keep us in the loop and let us know how it goes. We're here to help or hinder.


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## calvin

Meantime dont do anything that you'll regret,for me I needed to be alone,you fish? Its excellent therapy,go hiking hell just hang out at the park,give yourself time to think.When you do feel like talking confide in a close friend,someone you can trust and whos like a brother to you.
I wish you the best
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser

floover said:


> 'Good luck, sorry you're here.'--That's a great line...sums it up...almost made me smile in spite of it all.
> 
> Thanks for the remarks and sharing your experiences. I guess I'll suck it up and try to act civil in the short term, before making any decisions.
> 
> There's enough good stuff to work on it, just can't get my emotions to agree...


As you read & learn you will come across a phrase that may help you in practice: "Fake it till you make it" is advice many people give when trying to work their emotions to meet up with what their head may be telling them.

When one starts _acting _nicely, they naturally start _feeling _nicer....

But do not ignore the need to get yourselves into MC as you do so. Acting nice when you don't feel it, sweeping it all under the rug is no solution to the problem. You have got to get at the root cause(s) to cut the cancer out of the relationship, otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable. You are in for some heavy work, together. be sure she is at least equally invested in doing the heavy lifting before setting down that path.


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## Lifescript

Sounds to me like your wife is remorseful and wants to save marriage. Still this is no time to trust blindly. 
Get the keylogger like bandit suggested and follow the other advice. She needs to regain your trust. Workout
or do any activity that will help you release the stress/anger that you feel. Keep us posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer

Sounds like the EA may be a deal breaker for you.

That's OK. Everyone has them

Always remember that while you may have played a part in the bad issues of your marriage, she owns the affair 100%. You do not have any responsibility for it.

She could have approached you and told you that she felt disconnected from you and that she either wanted to split up or try and make your marriage right. Instead, she decided to go behind your back and completely betray you and the marriage


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## floover

Been a rocky week. Have had some glimmers of hope, where it seemed workable, more like a wake up call. Right now back to not caring/not knowing if I want to work on the relationship.

Toffer, it does _feel_ like the EA is a deal breaker for me. What do mean by everyone has them? Deal breakers?

A few weeks ago I would have said that I wouldn't ever consider working through what I'm now considering working through.

Calvin, yes I fish--I went and spent the day and night on my boat the day after and that saved me from making some decisions that would have had some long term implications! 

I am working on myself for my own good (and my kids). And I take responsibility for the state of our relationship--right up to the day before she made this choice...

Here's a question I'm sure people have considered: throughout our relationship I've had a few opportunities to stray--some tempting opportunities. I'm proud that I haven't as I was always a dog in the past. A small part of me wishes I had, just a reaction I know-juvenile but it would feel good.

So if/when another opportunity comes up what will I do? If I had the chance right now--I'd probably do it. The reasons I had for not before don't exist right now. Luckily it's not that easy for us guys. It would be immature, vindictive all those things, but it would feel so good! And not just the obvious feeling good parts...

I feel like if I go through with this and stick it out and do the work I've got one free pass. Maybe I won't use it but maybe I will. It means I'm not committing %100 all that jazz, I get it. But I'm reduced to raw emotions here, I actually think it might help put it all behind me...might just be looking for an excuse of course.

Probably wouldn't, but feels justified. Of course it's vengeful, but I'm not above that right now.

So, anyone went the tit for tat route?


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## bandit.45

Committing revenge cheating for your wife's affair will only validate her affair, it will not ease your pain. It will only make a bad situation worse. Want to kill what little trust is left between the two of you? Then go for it. 

You are hurting, you are in pain, and you are not going to get over that pain in a week. This is going to scar you for life, but if your wife is contrite and truly remorseful, then you have a shot at returning to a somewhat normal life in a couple of years.

You need to get to individual counseling, and you and your wife need marriage counseling immediately. Without it, she will slip right back into her old habits and it will be off to the races again. 

Take some time, stay calm and if you need to, put a little distance between you and your wife. But at the same time, do all the things that we told you to do to monitor your wife's behavior. I know it sucks, but it is the only way to make sure she is not still in contact with the OM.

have you and her sat down and sent off the No Contact letter to him?


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## calvin

Floover, hang in there man,I Know what youre going through,keep up the fishing if that works for you,does for me.
You wife did NOT give herself all the way to the OM,thats a good thing,she has doubs about him I think.
Dont go for revenge,it doesnt work.It makes everything worse,dont punish her,dont try to get a leg up on her.If you are serious about wanting to make this work and you really love her you wont go looking for pay back.
This takes time my friend.MC been brought up? If she wont you need to do some IC for your own well being.
Star calm as you can Floover and dont go looking to even things up.This might actually be a call from your wife wanting you to work on the marriage
I'm sorry you are in this position,I am to but its slowly coming back around.
Best of luck,dont lose it,keep your cool man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floover

Thanks guys, I'm just barfing out emotions here. It all changes moment to moment.
Thanks for being here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Its going to keep changing too Floover.We are in our 9th week of R and its coming,slow but its looking good.It was a EA with her,four months.Out of character for her.I think you need to go to the threads about the "fog".My wife was in it but it never went PA. she cant believe she even did something like this.
So,hold on man,dont make any rash decisons.Make sure you firmly put a stop to it tho,dont wait.Time is precious here.The longer you think it will go away,the biger it feeds and grows.Look at a lot of the stories here.Most are sad,dont become another forgotten story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer

floo,
Deal breakers for everyone are different. For some it would be a physical affair and others the EA affair is enough to end the marriage.

However, often times while people have in their minds what a deal breaker wold be, when actually confronted with the issue, they may try and fix their marriage instead of walking away

Follow the good advice you're being given here and don't rush into a decision too soon!


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## Entropy3000

A deal breaker means divorce. You go your separate ways.

You cannot work on your rleationship until she goes through withdrawal and while you are apart.

So I suggest you not send her away.

At some point do His Needs her Needs together. Also include the boundary setting.


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## calvin

What did it with my WW was kicking her out after she refused to stop her EA,she went form house to house with her relatives,there was NO way I was leaving and paying all the bills so she could "date" her ex-high school ex- con BF,I outed the affair and as much as it hurt I showed my kids the text from her saying she wanted the OM.I wanted them to know she chose this not me and they agreed they wanted to stay with me.
Her attorney told her the chances of her getting the house and the kids was extremely slim.
She damn near went into a mental institution ,the real world finally came crashing down on her and it hurt for me to see her the way she was.
The "Fog" is powerful indeed,after I brought her back home it still took weeks for her to come out of it.She put all the blame on me,she now knows it was 50/50.If it had went physical all bets would be off,everybody has their own breaking point.
Yow must be able to forgive if R is in the cards for you,dont know if any of this helps but its what happeved to us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrmagoo

calvin said:


> This might actually be a call from your wife wanting you to work on the marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is absolutely the case for me. Very very slowly, things are turning up for us but boy is it slow.


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## Michael1009

You are so lucky.
My wife started an EA about 2 years ago with another woman. This new friend got her to leave our anti drinking views and wife actually came home drunk. Wife leaves our kids with the babysitter often when Im out of town and took OUR money to pay for a trip to South Africa with this friend. She will not admit that this is an affair because its a woman and its not sexual. She said she that one day per month is worth more than our 24 year marriage.
She will not leave her and cried when I said that she had to see her less than 3 days per week. (it was up to 5 days).
I feel abandoned, betrayed, cheated on, and yes she even has lied about seeing her in secret. I wish I was dead but im too much a wimp to kill myself.
I would give my right arm if she would actually be sorry like your wife is. Please give her a chance. I prey God heals us both.


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## be-man

Ok, Here is my story the first time she was on FB and some jackass was saying stuff like I want to come see you Babe, I wish we lived closer etc. I blew a gasket. She apologized said it was nothing she didn't even like the guy etc. I asked to read and she deleted it. Second time with new guy it was I wish you lived closer. And he would say stuff like tell me what we would be doing. I never did see any replys and she said it never went beyond those words. Third time, third guy it was full onset sexting. Some of it violent like acting out rape scenes.

So she got more advanced and more involved each time. Each time she says sorrys it will never happen again.

Three kids are involved and 19 years of marriage. I can completely understand the emotions of being pissed at her then being mad at self for allowing my marriage to get to this point. 

She wants to move on forget it ever happen but she can't tell me why it happen. And I have a hard time believing I can ever trust her, i can forgive her but trust will be harder.

I did tell my best friend, a brother from another mother. He advised that I tell her that I get access to her accounts, passwords and texts and I get to check them anytime I want. If she refuses then she will have made the decision for us and it is over. 

Roughest week of my life....


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## reggis

calvin said:


> I outed the affair and as much as it hurt I showed my kids the text from her saying she wanted the OM.I wanted them to know she chose this not me and they agreed they wanted to stay with me.


Keep the children out of your marital mess.

It's reckless, irresponsible and bad parenting to involve them.

You are using them as pawns to further your own means, nothing more.


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## Bobby5000

Hey Michael, don't bet the house it's not sexual. It's one thing to hang out with a friend; it's another to share a hotel room and go on vacation. 




Michael1009 said:


> You are so lucky.
> My wife started an EA about 2 years ago with another woman. This new friend got her to leave our anti drinking views and wife actually came home drunk. Wife leaves our kids with the babysitter often when Im out of town and took OUR money to pay for a trip to South Africa with this friend. She will not admit that this is an affair because its a woman and its not sexual. She said she that one day per month is worth more than our 24 year marriage.
> She will not leave her and cried when I said that she had to see her less than 3 days per week. (it was up to 5 days).
> I feel abandoned, betrayed, cheated on, and yes she even has lied about seeing her in secret. I wish I was dead but im too much a wimp to kill myself.
> I would give my right arm if she would actually be sorry like your wife is. Please give her a chance. I prey God heals us both.


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## Shaggy

You need to put a key logger on the computer and a var in her car. These kinds of guys will push to meet up with her, and it sounds like she just might go for it since she has no problem sexting with other men.

This isn't a emotional affair, it is a minimum cyber sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floover

Thanks again everyone for the support. Here's an update:

After the initial week or so, I decided to suck it up for now as survival for me and the kids. And my wife. we had a good week, it was actually better than any we've had for a while! My wife was so greatful that I didn't leave (at this point) and is truly remorseful and has been doing everything in her power to make it up.

But she can't--not now anyway. I was just repressing the whole thing so we could function. Obviously not a solution. After about a week something triggered me and it all came back. Just as angry and hurt, but more like defeated and betrayed. Angry at myself too.

That's still where I'm at now. Honestly don't know if I can get past it and continue the relationship. Or I guess more like deciding if I want to. I think I could, but am wondering why I would be with someone that could do this.

Wife is in counselling and wants me to go. She definitely did this in an effed-up way to try to connect with me more, subconsciously at least. She didn't try to hide it and I actually believe her that there wasn't really a connection. Doesn't make it feel any better. Could be worse though I know that rationally. Still doesn't feel any better.

I don't feel like working on our "marriage" at this point. I can't accept this as an impetus to work on the issues that contributed to it, because I feel she didn't really try less whorish ways to improve us before this.

She really wants to work it out and is committed to that. But for me working on the issues to be sure she's getting what she needs would be rewarding the choice she made!! 

What will happen next time she feels she's not getting what she wants?

Those are the thoughts that plague me.

I do see things pretty black and white. i do have my issues. I have a lot of resentment from the past that I've carried with me, which has made me guarded for sure. This has helped me to recognize that and deal with those issues, so that will be good. I'm working on forgivenss now, after realizing how much time and energy I've wasted on holding onto grudges and resentment. But I've got a list of resentments to let go of before I even consider this one. I think that I probably could forgive her, but that could possibly also mean moving on. 

Thanks guys and good luck to you--hopefully sharing this can also help others in some way.


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## calvin

reggis said:


> Keep the children out of your marital mess.
> 
> It's reckless, irresponsible and bad parenting to involve them.
> 
> You are using them as pawns to further your own means, nothing more.


Kids are 17 and 13 she was in the fog bad,do I tell them I kicked mom out or she chose to leave after I beged her to end it? Should I have left and taken the risk of another man moving in and trying to take my place? I dont think so,they are smart and deserved to know so they could make a choice who they wanted to live with,I didnt think we would R
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## profos

calvin said:


> Kids are 17 and 13 she was in the fog bad,do I tell them I kicked mom out or she chose to leave after I beged her to end it? Should I have left and taken the risk of another man moving in and trying to take my place? I dont think so,they are smart and deserved to know so they could make a choice who they wanted to live with,I didnt think we would R
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep it general.

"Mom and I weren't getting along so she moved out for a while. Now we're back on track".

Don't point fingers, and don't give details.

The less the kids know the better of they will be in the end.

I don't think you know everything either.

Not sure if that's good or bad.


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