# One year is approaching...mixed results



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I haven't posted in this section in a while, but I decided I'd open this one up to a wider audience.

My story is around if you want to look it up, but the short version is:

My W had a 10 or 11 month PA with a coworker. Half this time she was pregnant with our daughter who is now a year and a half old. 

D-Day #1 was Sept 2011
D-Day #2 was Oct 2011
Quit her job Dec 2011
D-Day #3 was Mar 2012 (Not with AP but secret email account and plans to buy a burner phone to talk to toxic friend)

In June, she finally gave up all of her work friends.

I've been kind of dreading August. My birthday is at the end of the month. It was a few days before my birthday that she told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me. It was about a week later that I discovered her A.

We've made some progress. A lot has happened over the past year. I'm just down about it being almost a year and we're not even close to being ok yet.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I went through a long R also but we are doing fine. It can be daunting when you don't see much progress but sometime rebuilding the foundation of a marriage takes time, especially if you do it right. What's the progress report so far?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TheGoodFight said:


> My W had a 10 or 11 month PA with a coworker. Half this time she was pregnant with our daughter who is now a year and a half old.


Have you verified the child through DNA testing?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> I went through a long R also but we are doing fine. It can be daunting when you don't see much progress but sometime rebuilding the foundation of a marriage takes time, especially if you do it right. What's the progress report so far?


Well the progress report is that she finally gave up her work life, but seems still affected somewhat by losing it. She is depressed in general.

She still doesn't find me sexually attractive although she says I'm not repulsive. That one hurts because I can't really do a whole lot about it. I know it hurts her too, but she feels helpless to change it. She has scheduled an appointment for next month with her doctor and after that plans on seeing a sex therapist. That's probably the biggest issue for me. Kind of like a double rejection after the A.

We haven't made a whole lot pf progress in "dating" more. I haven't made a whole lot of progress in becoming more physicaly attractive. I'm not ugly, but she likes big muscle guys apparently. These two things I am finding it hard to have motivation to do honestly.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

keko said:


> Have you verified the child through DNA testing?


No I never did. I ordered the kit and everything but never did it. After finding her secret email account, she sat down with me to do the test and then I discovered it was expired so we didn't do it. I still think I'd like to get this done, but honestly I don't think in my gut this is an issue.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TheGoodFight said:


> No I never did. I ordered the kit and everything but never did it. After finding her secret email account, she sat down with me to do the test and then I discovered it was expired so we didn't do it. I still think I'd like to get this done, but honestly I don't think in my gut this is an issue.


I don't think you should be looking at it as an obstacle or an issue with regards to your R, but rather just knowing the truth. It might be useful to verify it for possible future health complications your daughter might suffer, such as blood/organ compatibility and on. Also for the paternity test's the mother doesn't have to be present.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't kid your self, there is alot to the rebuilding process, even the little things can help so get the DNA done and get it out of the way, subconsiously it could make a difference, who knows.

And your chick made the effort to quite her job at least you good make an effort to shape up...even if it just a light work out that gives you the distance, if you know what I mean. I'm say you don't have to be some body builder, but at least not be out of breath when your taking her cloths off.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the point is if she is making the effort to affair proof her marriage you would think you could to by being more physically attractive?

Thats what I got out of your post.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

TheGoodFight said:


> Well the progress report is that she finally gave up her work life, but seems still affected somewhat by losing it. She is depressed in general..


Good that she got out of that environment. Did she get work elsewhere? The depression is probably pretty normal given the circumstances. What is she doing to address it?




TheGoodFight said:


> She still doesn't find me sexually attractive although she says I'm not repulsive. That one hurts because I can't really do a whole lot about it. I know it hurts her too, but she feels helpless to change it. She has scheduled an appointment for next month with her doctor and after that plans on seeing a sex therapist. That's probably the biggest issue for me. Kind of like a double rejection after the A..


Sorry to say my marriage went sexless for 2 years but it was part of the process. She will need to connect with you emotionally before she gets really into having sex with you again. However that does not mean you can't use sex as an emotional building tool. My wife was still emotionally disconnected when I had the discussion with her that we needed to re-engage and it did help her to open up, trust and emotionally reconnect. It had a lot more impact on her than I though it would.




TheGoodFight said:


> We haven't made a whole lot pf progress in "dating" more. I haven't made a whole lot of progress in becoming more physically attractive. I'm not ugly, but she likes big muscle guys apparently. These two things I am finding it hard to have motivation to do honestly.


Red flag here. Do not try and become her ideal man or compete with her AP. She married you for a reason and chances are some of those traits have changed. In our case I did not change who I was in R but more made efforts to revert back the person I was when we were in love. Certainly work on your health by diet and working out. That will bring you many positives, including confidence but don't change yourself at the core.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe it was in my competitive nature, but I learned what made my fWW tick and used to my advandage.

Granted you can't compete with OM's when the A is on going, but in your case it seem you can take from what you have learned and us it to affair proof the marriage.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I think deep down she believes that she was never attracted to me sexually in the first and doesn't think she ever will be. But she wants to be married so she goes through the motions. 

When she told me that back at the beginning I thought it was just fog talk and it would go away. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

I run, so I'm not out of shape really. I'm just not a weight lifter, never have been. So it's almost like her tastes changed, or maybe she figured it out. I don't know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I stand corrected and you just might be on to something. Its been a year, this can't go on forever.

I mean really how unhappy can the both of you get before you call it quites? Maybe it just a matter of figuring out what you both really need/want?

I'm just saying you "think" this and you "think" that so what do you really know about her honest feeling. Its been a year it might be time for her to be honest with her self and with you so the both of you can move on.

Does she know how you are feeling?

Hell its been a year and you both tried........

Maybe this thread is just a rant and your feeling down b/c of the time of year?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Maybe I am just feeling down. I have a lot to be glad for in a way. She could have refused to give her job and the OM up. 

I asked her point blank last night if she had ever been attracted to me and she said she had been thinking about it a lot and she didn't know. She had tried to think about what it was like when we first met and she can't remember.

Then she went into a list of all of the things she does like about me. I know she wants to feel sexual towards me, and it hurts her that she doesn't.

We went to MC last week and the MC was talking about how attraction can come and go. Like how you might be attracted to someone until you get to know them and then it's a turnoff.

She asked my W if she thought she would still be attracted to the OM if she saw him now. She said, "yea probably". And I'm sitting there thinking wtf? This guy just outright used her for an easy bj and she still would be attracted to him?

I'm seriously distressed over this, but everything else is going ok, so I'm conflicted on just ending it.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

If she never does find that attraction, how long are you prepared to stick it out? You may want to give that some thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

a year and she is not attracted to you and you believe she never was. What are you saving?

Good luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> Maybe I am just feeling down. I have a lot to be glad for in a way. She could have refused to give her job and the OM up.
> 
> I asked her point blank last night if she had ever been attracted to me and she said she had been thinking about it a lot and she didn't know. She had tried to think about what it was like when we first met and she can't remember.
> 
> ...



The bold part gotta hurt. 

Interesting isnt it? Your marriage counselor essentially said that you're a turnoff for her. 

You have been "friend zoned" by your wife.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

aug said:


> The bold part gotta hurt.
> 
> Interesting isnt it? Your marriage counselor essentially said that you're a turnoff for her.
> 
> You have been "friend zoned" by your wife.


Well yea it hurt. I think the MC was trying to make a point that didn't go where she thought it would. 

I think she was getting to the point of there are things that can remove attraction where there once was.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

KanDo said:


> a year and she is not attracted to you and you believe she never was. What are you saving?
> 
> Good luck.


Well she must love me or she would be gone. I obviously love her. We also have two small children. 

But like dymo says, I have to put some kind of time limit on it.

Even her mom said to her the other day "What are you going to do? Search someone else out and have great sex for three months? You'll regret it." And my W said to her "That's why I'm still here". 

So she knows she will regret leaving, she loves me, even has sex with me once a week. 

But I'm distressed still. And then I read other threads in this section and I realize it could be much worse. Of course in some ways, this makes my situation harder.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I've been hoping for a "Grease" moment for you where Frenchie gives Sandra Dee a complete makeover and she becomes Sandy the slvt. 

It was more than just the tight leather pants, it was the attitude that went along with it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am going to PM you - this situation - while unfair could be fixable. 




TheGoodFight said:


> Maybe I am just feeling down. I have a lot to be glad for in a way. She could have refused to give her job and the OM up.
> 
> I asked her point blank last night if she had ever been attracted to me and she said she had been thinking about it a lot and she didn't know. She had tried to think about what it was like when we first met and she can't remember.
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you BOTH should see a sex therapist. I guess everyone could improve their technique.

Have you read Married Man Sex Life? 

Also don't understand you having the will power to run but can't lift weights. That sounds like, what's the word? Oh yeah, self defeating. Stubborn?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, the Olympics are on and there is a competition going on . Ironman, I think, and they are running. The runners look like they are starving to death. I never thought about it but I'm going to ask my wife tonight if she thinks they are attractive.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

chapparal said:


> The runners look like they are starving to death.


:rofl: Thanks I needed the laugh! :rofl:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

TheGoodFight said:


> I'm seriously distressed over this, but everything else is going ok, so I'm conflicted on just ending it.



Brick by brick TGF, brick by brick! When a marriage gets so jacked up that an affair happens, it doesn't get right again overnight, next week or next month. There is a lot of healing, a lot of learning and a lot of pain to go through. But with the right mix of them all it can come back and sometimes stronger. We as a couple are so far away from where we were a few years ago. From her alcohol fueled "You're the biggest ****ing mistake in my life!" to the coldly sober "The thought of you touching me repulses me." I too was the BS and those words beat me down pretty good but least I knew what I was up against. Reading your story and looking back at mine here is the advice I'd recommend.

Your wife is lost. She doesn't know what she wants or needs and is staying for the kids, out of guilt and for the security of the marriage. Does she love you? You need to determine that but if she is lost she needs to take your hand and follow. Don't coddle her, don't dote on her. Show her you are ready to take on this crisis and see it through. Talk with confidence when you discuss the recovery. Show her you are in control of yourself and therefore can be counted on to carry the day. When she sees that she will begin to pull toward you, not away. Wish I had figured that out earlier in our recovery process.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm wondering if part of the attraction isn't also how you present/act around her? Is she so shallow that she is entirely hung up one body type? Or is she into bad boy or aloof guys who treat her coldly and make her do the work?

Maybe you need to change up your emotional relationship with her to light her fire? Maybe she's come to see you as too feminine/emotional?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

File for divorce, than see how attractive you can be!!


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Don't stay in this marriage friend. She is giving you duty sex. Her love for you is friendly love and you deserve better. She married you for convenience and security...some women and men just do this. No rationale for it, and then they have affairs and try to explain their way out of it. 

Your wife will never find you attractive because she was never attracted in the first place, so cut your losses and part amicably. Get out there and find a woman who is attracted to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

keko said:


> Have you verified the child through DNA testing?


Get that test done.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Good Fight,

No matter what happens in your marriage I just wanted to tell you how much I respect you.

You could have walked away many times from your wife and marriage. But you never did.

And Ampleor is right. Some R's take a long time.

Sadly, the problem really lies with your wife. You cannot fix her.

Do not be afraid to put an expiration date on the R process.

Be honest with her. Let her know your thoughts.

You deserve better. And I know you will find it. I do hope for you it s with your wife but that needs to be your decision.

Good Luck

HM64


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Kind of funny you posted that today. I was really down yesterday thinking I've been put in an impossible situation. One in which my wife is telling me that her A really had little to do with me. That she isn't attracted to me, but loves me like a brother basically. I mean she hasn't said those exact words, but she did say "I love my brother too, but I don't want to have sex with him." 

It's not that she won't have sex with me at all. She does, but it's really on her terms. We had sex last Sunday, and I can be pretty sure it will happen again this weekend.

What got me down was reading the thread that Geek Down had going on over in the Men's Clubhouse section :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/53279-have-date-friend-next-week-help.html

So I'm reading that thinking this guy is a classic NG hanging with this girl as "friends" when he clearly wants more out of the relationship. Even she knows this, but he pretends that he is ok just being friends with her. He is lying to himself and can't even see it.

And then I start thinking, "Hey, I'm not far off from where he is except I'm married to the girl."

So on the way home yesterday I'm thinking to myself I should just tell the W we need to start talking about separating because I want to be more than just friends.

But I get home, and my little girl is there playing and runs up to be saying "Daddy!". It just tears me up to want to take that away from her.

My W isn't nasty to me. Never has a bad word to say at all. Makes us dinner, keeps things clean, doesn't have any bad habits. Yes, she had the A, but that's the only thing she has ever done to me. I don't mean to diminish it at all, but it seems like there are so many people out there where their spouse is just not nice regardless of whether they had an A or not.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> My W isn't nasty to me. Never has a bad word to say at all. Makes us dinner, keeps things clean, doesn't have any bad habits. Yes, she had the A, but that's the only thing she has ever done to me. I don't mean to diminish it at all, but it seems like there are so many people out there where their spouse is just not nice regardless of whether they had an A or not.


it sounds as if you are "settling"

the old "it could be worse" sentiment is a dangerous thing, over time resentment builds or even worse, complete resignation


it's obvious you need more than a goody buddy or sister as your wife


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> it sounds as if you are "settling"
> 
> the old "it could be worse" sentiment is a dangerous thing, over time resentment builds or even worse, complete resignation
> 
> ...


Good observation. I guess that kind of talk does sound like I am settling. That's partly what has gotten me into this mess in the first place.

Somebody PMed me to say I need to be comfortable losing what I have. Well, they are right of course. My problem is that I'll be visiting my decisions on my children as well. 

That fact makes it so much harder. Yes, I know she made that decision when she had the A. But I took her back, so now I feel like it is on me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is another way of looking at this TGF - your wife is the one that isn't creating a loving marriage partnership with you - because she isn't doing the work on her side to make sex exciting for herself.

What I mean is that she is settling for you not being attractive to her. Like it's some magic thing that she either is or she isn't. That isn't quite true however. Men and women can choose by their actions and thoughts outside the bedroom to build excitement and sexual attraction for their partner. 

They can choose to think sexual thoughts and create sexual fantasies involving their partner. They can think about giving their partner pleasure and how it will make them in return feel good.

You wife did this in the affair. She spent time pursuing the OM and being creative in her mind with sexual fantasies about him and what she would do to get him.

She is however choosing not to do that with you. She is choosing to settle for less of a marriage and relationship than she could be having if she took responsibility for it.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> There is another way of looking at this TGF - your wife is the one that isn't creating a loving marriage partnership with you - because she isn't doing the work on her side to make sex exciting for herself.
> 
> What I mean is that she is settling for you not being attractive to her. Like it's some magic thing that she either is or she isn't. That isn't quite true however. Men and women can choose by their actions and thoughts outside the bedroom to build excitement and sexual attraction for their partner.
> 
> ...


Maybe you should talk to her then.  I think she very much believes that it either is or isn't there. Me trying to tell her otherwise won't help.

How does that fit into "Attraction is not a choice" ?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

TGF

I left my ex back when my older kids were 3 and the littlest was a baby. I haven't ever really posted much about it (I'm married now) but my oldest definitely favoured daddy at that time. Was very cute.

However what you need to very clearly understand is that your little girl will pick up on the relationship dynamic and quite possibly carry it on into her expectations and being, when in adult relationships. You may say that your wife is a good wife apart from the A and a good mum, but think carefully what you are modelling to your little girl. I know a lot of people stay together for the children, but what is potentially you settling and trying to do right by the family, is actually you exposing your family to a demonstration of how adult relationships work. Do you want your daughter to think it's okay for mum to be detached or for daddy to smile but never actually seem like he's happy? What might she settle for when older?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

tobio said:


> TGF
> 
> I left my ex back when my older kids were 3 and the littlest was a baby. I haven't ever really posted much about it (I'm married now) but my oldest definitely favoured daddy at that time. Was very cute.
> 
> However what you need to very clearly understand is that your little girl will pick up on the relationship dynamic and quite possibly carry it on into her expectations and being, when in adult relationships. You may say that your wife is a good wife apart from the A and a good mum, but think carefully what you are modelling to your little girl. I know a lot of people stay together for the children, but what is potentially you settling and trying to do right by the family, is actually you exposing your family to a demonstration of how adult relationships work. Do you want your daughter to think it's okay for mum to be detached or for daddy to smile but never actually seem like he's happy? What might she settle for when older?


I've heard this before and it's interesting to me. 

I think this may be one of the things my wife is influenced by and may also be part of my issues. Here is why I think this.

A couple of weeks ago, my W went to meet for lunch with her mother and her mother told her that "When you were 7 we almost lost your father to the lady that lived across the street". My W father cheated on her mother. True to what people here say, her mother said it took her about 5 years to get past the hurt from that. Even though my W had never known this, she told me when she found out "I knew that dad had cheated on mom. I just knew somehow." Like she had suspected it. So maybe she picked up on it as a kid even though they never told her.

As for me, my parents did not even sleep in the same bed. I never saw them affectionate with each other. As a kid, I didn't think anything of it, although I do remember one time asking my parents why they didn't kiss. I remember them telling me that they did but they did it when I wasn't around. As far as I knew, everyone's parents were that way. It was only after becoming an adult that I looked back and thought to myself "Wonder why that was." So maybe that had some affect on me as well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> Maybe you should talk to her then.  I think she very much believes that it either is or isn't there. Me trying to tell her otherwise won't help.
> 
> How does that fit into "Attraction is not a choice" ?


Part of attraction isn't a choice - meaning if you find redheads sexy, you just do. 

But attraction is also choice and it can be grown if you actually make an effort.

On your side you should be doing the MAP - and I know you've heard this before, so I won't harp on it anymore.

On her side she could be working outside the bedroom to focus on you as a sexual partner that excites you. Things like spending a few minutes now and then thinking about sex with you and things that felt good with you. She can write erotic fiction with you as the male character. She can go to your closet and wear your shirt during the day to have your sent around her. 

She can text you sexy messages and tease you. While this sounds like it's all for you, it is also for her because it triggers her brain to associate you with pleasure and to release happy chemicals when she's doing it. It essentially creates the same feedback look the affair did for her, expect it's with her husband.


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## ObjectOfAffection (Jul 12, 2012)

If your wife is still depressed, it is not all that surprising that she doesn't find you attractive. You are a physical representation of her home life which she is currently unhappy with. Of course she still finds her AP attractive - he represents an escape from the dull everyday realities of life. 

Are either of you in IC in addition to MC? From the tone in all of your posts it almost sounds like you are mildly depressed as well, which is understandable. However this could be making you seem less attractive to her. As one of the other posters mentioned, you should work on reconnecting emotionally, spending quality time together, going on dates, and generally finding some happiness in life and with each other. Maybe then she can begin to physically reconnect with you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I wonder how much of her attraction issues are related to the "ring"

being a wife/mother means being chaste or boring with hubby
being the mistress means being wild and fun and carefree

similar to the Madonna/wh0re complex and compartmentalization


in many aspects this attraction issue is very much related to the fantasyland of the affair. Fantasies are fun and wild and exciting and she is likely comparing her married life to such unrealistic standards (and even more unrealistic than usual as her affair was her chasing a guy who didn't want her as much as she did him, it was more built up in her head than based in truth). 

I don't know how you can make her realize that married sex can be amazing and fun and wild and even dirty or nasty. Maybe you can start something new and interesting like roleplay or light spanking or what have you. Ask her what excites her sexually.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Part of attraction isn't a choice - meaning if you find redheads sexy, you just do.
> 
> But attraction is also choice and it can be grown if you actually make an effort.
> 
> ...


I see what you're saying here but she will have to figure this out on her own or have someone else tell her. It's frustrating because I could tell her this stuff but it won't mean much coming from me for whatever reason.

Maybe the sex therapist will tell her this stuff if she ever goes to one.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

ObjectOfAffection said:


> If your wife is still depressed, it is not all that surprising that she doesn't find you attractive. You are a physical representation of her home life which she is currently unhappy with. Of course she still finds her AP attractive - he represents an escape from the dull everyday realities of life.
> 
> Are either of you in IC in addition to MC? From the tone in all of your posts it almost sounds like you are mildly depressed as well, which is understandable. However this could be making you seem less attractive to her. As one of the other posters mentioned, you should work on reconnecting emotionally, spending quality time together, going on dates, and generally finding some happiness in life and with each other. Maybe then she can begin to physically reconnect with you.


Oh I know she is depressed to a degree. I think she feels hopeless in a way because she doesn't think there is anything she can do about it.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I wonder how much of her attraction issues are related to the "ring"
> 
> being a wife/mother means being chaste or boring with hubby
> being the mistress means being wild and fun and carefree
> ...


You might be on to something. No idea how to make her realize that either. 

My current strategy is to just let her go in a sense. I'm concentrating on what I want to do with myself and inviting her to go along. I need to get away from "what can I do to get her to X" type thinking. 

Even on the dating thing. What I'm doing there is coming up with things I'd like to do and then inviting her to go with me. For example, this month I'm going to the comedy zone. I like comedy shows, so I'm buying two tickets and asking her to join me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TGF

You can date your wife but I have a few suggestions.

By her the book "50 shades of grey" then the next time you two are intimate handcuff her and see if she will go along with some fun with you.
if that is a no take her on a bungee jumping date or skydiving date. I guarantee you that adrenalin date will cure any depression.

If none of those work you are left with a sex therapy session.

If that does not work D her butt and go find a good woman who does not cheat and finds you hot.

Remember one thing, there are more women then men on this planet. God did that for one reason. So take advantage of it!


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> TGF
> 
> You can date your wife but I have a few suggestions.
> 
> ...


Not a bad idea. I bought some retraints some time ago and she said it was scary so we never got to use them. I was actually shocked that she wasn't into it because she had been hinting around about me tying her up. :scratchhead:

Anyway, I've always wanted to go skydiving. Maybe I'll pay to go and see if she wants to go with. Or I could just take her there and not tell her what we are going to do. For something like that though, I think it's fair to warn a person.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

TheGoodFight said:


> I haven't made a whole lot of progress in becoming more physicaly attractive. I'm not ugly, but she likes big muscle guys apparently. These two things I am finding it hard to have motivation to do honestly.


Have you thought about a personal trainer?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

dymo said:


> Have you thought about a personal trainer?


No, but I did buy a used weight bench and weights off of craigslist. I go to pick them up today.

I haven't said a word about it. I'm setting it up in my garage this evening and plan on spending some time in there getting buff for the ladies.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm sorry you're still going thru this TGF. You've done great so far, but your WW still doesn't want to bond with you physically. It must be especially hurtful from the standpoint that you read her emails to her toxic friend, complaining that OM wasn't giving your WW enough sex, yet doesn't want to have sex with you.

I really don't know how much longer you want to live in sexual limbo. Perhaps if you start divorce proceedings to show you really are serious about not wanting to live in a sexless marriage, that she will realize that she can't have you anymore and will pursue you. 

What I do know is that you deserve a wife who will giver herself to you completely, emotionally and physically.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Yes I would say it's sounds like you are settling. Why on earth would you change your looks for your WS is not the way to go. You need to do it for yourself and only you. You need to make yourself happy before anyone else.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

You have it summed up nicely LM. 

And I'm not doing it for her, LML. It's part of me working on myself to make me a better, more attractive man. If it works to make her more attracted to me, then right now I'd welcome that of course, but I'm working on making that distinction in my own mind.

I realize that part of my problem has been that I am looking to her for validation of my own worth. I can only believe this is normal in any LTR. Of course I want my wife to value me, but I've come to believe that I need to value myself first. If can get to that place where I really, really believe it, then I'll be better off with or without her.

In fact, I may decide I'm too valuable to be wasted on someone who doesn't see that value. To answer LM's question about how long that will take? I don't know, but I'll know when I get there.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TGF

Then keep working till you get there.

And one thing is for certain, you will be a better man and more attractive partner for a lucky lady when you reach that point.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Tomorrow is the day as far as the date goes. Kind of felt like it was Sunday since that's what day of the week it was last year. 

I found out because my WW left the text message on her phone between her and toxic friend. It was after a Saturday night where she had been out with "the girls". I discovered it Sunday night.

This is what I read on Sept 11, 2011, my D-Day:



> *TF:* Did anyone see you with BH? What did you do? How did you leave it last night?
> 
> *WW:* Men- cant live with them, cant kill them. Nobody saw me with him. I dropped them off then met him at the church. It was too well lit so i gave him head while he drove around looking for a new place. He said we needed a special place. I would have asked what was wrong with his classroom but my mouth was busy. My p***y did see some finger action however. But i was still horny when i left so had to go home and **** my husband. I closed my eyes and pretended it was him


This is burned into my brain forever. 9-11, Never Forget.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

So sorry you went through that.... very painful.. I can't imagine. Thoughts are with you today.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sending positive thoughts this day.
It shall pass.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I don't think she even knows what day it is. Wondering if I should even say anything.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> I don't think she even knows what day it is. Wondering if I should even say anything.



Misery loves company.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TGF
If you remember why day it was I am sure she remembers too.

I would say something to her to let her know I have not forgotten but that is how I am. 

But no matter what keep up Zthe Good Fight.

By the way, Happy Belated Birthday.

HM64


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> TGF
> If you remember why day it was I am sure she remembers too.


I doubt it. That's not the way their minds work. They are trying to forget. 



happyman64 said:


> By the way, Happy Belated Birthday.
> 
> HM64


Thanks. My birthday last year sucked because that's when she told me she wasn't attracted to me. I think she was dreading giving me my birthday sex. Well, that got her out of it. It also got my radar going.

This year though, she threw me a surprise party and invited all of my friends. That made me feel pretty good!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow she pulled off a surprise party?

my wife tried to give me one but my radar went off that she was hiding something so I pried and found out about it. I told her, "I know you meant well but it gave me a heart attack when I sensed something was being hidden from me."


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow she pulled off a surprise party?
> 
> my wife tried to give me one but my radar went off that she was hiding something so I pried and found out about it. I told her, "I know you meant well but it gave me a heart attack when I sensed something was being hidden from me."


Well, she meant for it to be a surprise.  She texted my friends to ask them to come so I knew a week in advance. I didn't say anything though because I didn't want to spoil it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

did you bring up the Dday anniversary to her?

I really think you should, you need to her to help you heal or else it won't work. These are the sort of things that are the "heavy lifting". Comforting and assuring you during this time is needed.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> did you bring up the Dday anniversary to her?
> 
> I really think you should, you need to her to help you heal or else it won't work. These are the sort of things that are the "heavy lifting". Comforting and assuring you during this time is needed.


Not yet.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stop holding it in, it is building resentment


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

TGF,

I feel for you and your plight. ! could not go through a year with a WW in a R who did not feel attracted to me. With the departure of my STBXW, I realized what it was like to be pursued by women who wanted nothing more than to spend time with me. Life is too short to waste it on broken people.

I would echo the sentiments of others, that maintaining a relationship "for the sake of the Children" is really a disservice to them. You model disfunction spousal interaction. At some point you need to decide that you have worth and that you deserve a loving relationship. I don't see from your postings that your wife is actually trying to kindle a sexual relationship with you. I think I would have a conversation stating that you don't see any progress in that arena. If she says you can't manufacture attraction, I would counter (non-judgementally) that in fact, you can kindle that spark and that sex threapy and IC use tools to do just that. I would say that you want to be fair to her and let her know that you are not going to put your happiness on hold for much longer. If it isn't going to improve that you will each need to go your separate ways. You still love her and desire her and hope that she can be the loving spouse you need for the rest of you life. BUt you love and respect yourself more and care about the example of married life the two of you are displaying for your kids.

Personally, I think it is time to file. BUt that is just me. It takes several years to recover from infidelity and that is with a willing spouse committed to the recovery. I don't see that in your descriptions of your wife. I see a woman who feels some guilt and shame and wants to be married. I don't see someone who is passionately in love with TGF and doing whatever it takes to make the relationship sound.

Sorry if my analysis is contrary to your desires; but, you have been working at this a long time.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I asked her if she knew what day it was when I went home for lunch. She did. She had already planned a steak dinner for me this evening and had it defrosting in the fridge.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hey-o!


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## Bricko (Sep 1, 2012)

There is some excellent advice here.
Happyman is correct when he says that adrenalin can bond people together, whether it is soldiers/marines who have been in action together or bungy jumping with a spouse.

Chapparal's advice on reading "Married Man's Sex Life" is required reading for a man in a relationship with a woman.

I agree that "settling" is no way to live out the rest of your lives. When people settle they might be more open to seduction from a not yet met 3rd person, sometime down the road. Not to mention living out your life in quiet despair.


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