# having kids- worth it ?



## Hortensia

Married for almost 8 years, together 9. Strong relationship, good communication, still madly in love. We're currently tackling the "to have children or not" issue. Hubby inclines toward " I'm happy either way, but we could have one ", while I'm more toward " I'm happy as we are now, I'd rather not". 

Now don't get me wrong I love children - babies and toddlers. But, I don't find it worthy from two reasons:

1. I love our relationship as it is. We are each other's most important person. I am able to give him all my attention, prepare him surprises, unique gifts and exotic dinners on a very often basis; we go out a lot, we have sex a lot; I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.

2. This may sound negative, but it's an issue that I gave a lot of thought: what's the point in sacrificing yourself for a child, putting his needs first, love him until self oblivion, just for when he/ she grows up, will put their spouse above you? ( at least, according to what I read in these forums). I don't find it worthy to make kids priority in my life, for when they're grown up to play the second fiddle in their life to a stranger. Isn't it better to just live and enjoy my own life ? Donno, just don't see the point...

Feel free to share your thoughts with me, those who feel like I do, as much those of you who are happy parents.


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## RoseAglow

For me, being a parent is worth it x1000000000. My husband feels the same way. However, we really wanted to be parents. We went the long road to accomplish it (vasectomy reversal for him, IVF for me.)

If you are hesitant and your DH doesn't care either way, I'd say skip the kids and live it up with each other. 

I got married and had kids in my late 30s, so I spent loads and loads of time as a coupled-not-married or singleton prior to marriage and lived it up. My husband was married before me but no kids of their own. Our friends are roughly split between those with and without kids.

If you don't have kids, you'll likely have lots of $$ and great adventures. My friends without kids are generally really very happy and live very good lives. They are financially secure and very comfortable. It's a good life! That said- none of them want kids, so it's not like they feel they are missing out.

If your life is perfect right now, there is no need to complicate it. There are many, many parents who really should not be parents; it is much better to realize that it is not your path and live a full, enriching life with your DH.

I am not sure how old you are. I didn't really start to feel the pull for kids until my early 30s. One of my colleagues just adopted her son (age 6), and she is 52. I know several women who got pregnant at age 42. What I am saying is, if you are younger, you have time to change your mind if you want. 

In the meantime, enjoy the wonderful relationship with your DH.


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## colotnk

I wasn't that sure about having children either. Now that I do (5 year old twin girls), I don't at all regret it.

Yes, i'm sleep deprived and tired by 8 pm most days juggling a full time job and taking care of the kids. I gave up my most favorite hobby I had been doing since childhood. There are many other sacrifices. But I can honestly say that they have all been worth it.

Our children taught me so much a lot about love, being less selfish and becoming a better person. I didn't fully understand how much my parents love me until I have kids of my own.

Our marriage is definitely stronger post kids. My husband and I are more deeply in love now than ever. Sex life is still as regular as pre-kids, i.e. few times a week. We have a strong desire for our children to grow up in a happy loving family. That motivates me to be a better spouse to my husband and vice versa. The children are our #1 priority but that doesn't cause us to neglect each other. It has the opposite effect. We work very hard to find time for each other and appreciate every minute of it.

With regards to your second question, how's your relationship with your own parents? Most parents don't think about it that way. Well, at least we don't. We would try not to make our children choose between their spouse and us. We'd be happy that they find somebody they love whom hopefully is deserving. We hope that they grow up to be healthy, happy, independent and a productive member of society. Putting us above their spouse is not an independent trait we hope they possess. They need to live their own life and make their own choices.

That said, i believe that having kids is not for everybody. I respect people's decision not to have kids. My sister is childless by choice and I fully support her. If you are not 100% sure, don't do it.


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## Hortensia

I'm turning 34. My husband is 41. 
It would be a proper age, maturity-wise. I just don't honestly feel the call. All my love pours on him, and it feels great that it does. It's like I live in a romantic heart bubble, oblivious of the rest. And I don't mind...lol.

And yes, we should try not to make our kids choose between their spouses and us, and certainly I wouldn't be a mean mother in law and would want them to find love. It's just the thought that ultimately, their spouse would come above me after raising them with sacrifices, that just cuts it off . I read on so may threads advices to put the wife first, not the first family, and the thought itself rubs me the wrong way.
My relationship with my parents is awesome. My hubby's with his, too. I get along with his family, although I know his mom would have prefferred him to marry someone from his country, and with a better off situation. But because I didn't want to come between them, especially because it's against my principles, I pretended to forget and chose to get along...
Our friends too are mixed- with kids, and without...
We agreed to let the subject rest for a while, and think about it. Donno...would do it if he asked me to, if it would make him happy. But not that I really wish for it..


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## John Lee

This is just my life philosophy, and I don't begrudge you having a different one, but I believe that "I like my life as it is" is not a good reason to avoid having children. Life is change. Steady states are an illusion. Your life will not remain "as it is" whether or not you have children -- you will age, you will get bored of certain things you enjoy now, your feelings will evolve. 

For me, having children is part of the meaning of life. It's the opportunity to participate in the continuance of humanity, the chance to see something that came from you and watch it grow beyond you. There is nothing more amazing to me than watching my own child develop. I can't even conceive of it in terms of calculated measures of happiness/unhappiness. I can't think about it in rational terms like the ones you use. Yes, my children will leave me one day and marry, and I will "play second fiddle" to their spouses. But I'll also die knowing that I raised them and sent them into the world.


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## hawkeye

So he doesn't care either way and you'd rather not? That's all you need to know. Don't do it. 

I'm a parent in the "I love my kid to death but hate being a parent" camp, FWIW. There are a lot of us out there and probably many more if people were willing to be honest with themselves.


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## hawkeye

John Lee said:


> This is just my life philosophy, and I don't begrudge you having a different one, but I believe that "I like my life as it is" is not a good reason to avoid having children.


It's actually a pretty spectacular reason to not have kids.


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## John Lee

hawkeye said:


> It's actually a pretty spectacular reason to not have kids.


Well, I just think you're not going to keep the life you have now whether you have kids or not. Something will change either way. I've seen childless couples get bored and lonely. I've also seen people have kids and become miserable, for that matter. So I'm not saying one or other is "the answer." I'm just saying that for some people, at least, there comes a point where a life just revolving around personal pleasures -- travel, restaurants, sports, entertainment, can get repetitive. Actually, all that sounds pretty good right now. Sigh.


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## ASummersDay

About a year ago, I had the privilege of sitting in on a discussion between several women in their mid-forties to early fifties. Many of them said that, while they love their children immensely, if they could go back in time they may not have had children. Some said they would have waited longer than they did. A common theme was that they felt pressure to start a family, but in retrospect, may not have wanted children for their own reasons. 

Basically, I think that you should not have children unless you are 100000% sure you want to be a parent. Don't feel that you have to have kids if you don't really want them.


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## committed4ever

I only been at this for 3 weeks and I LOVE being a Mommy. But I will say this the sleep deprivation is extreme and more so for the Mom if nursing only. I have one of the most low maintenance newborn you ever want to see (sweetest too) and plus I have not yet been alone for more than a couple of hours and I'm still in a constant state if drowsy/sleepy. I can deal with it and carry on but I have been reading forum where the newborn constantly want to nurse and cries if put down for one minute. I would think if you have any skepticism you should wait especially if you like your life the way it is. 

Life change enough on it own you don't have to bring a child into this world to challenge yourself.


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## arbitrator

*Other than for proclaiming Christ as my personal Saviour as a college sophomore, having my two boys was absolutely the second and third best things that have ever happened to me in my entire life!*


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## Mavash.

I used to be just like you almost down to the year. We'd been married for 8 years and I was 33 years old. I didn't want kids but my husband did. I loved him dearly but was scared to death of what a kid would do to me/us.

I took the leap because my biggest fear was regret. I was afraid if I didn't experience motherhood I'd regret it.

My son was born when I was 34. Took me a couple of months to bond with him and get the hang of mothering but once I did. OMG I'd lay down my life now for this awesome, wonderful, amazing boy!!! He's 13 now and is just the love of my life.

The irony is I loved being a mom so much that I went on to have 2 more kids back to back to back. LMAO!! Yes it's funny.


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## ScarletBegonias

Being a parent isn't the highlight of my life.

My little man is great and I love him to pieces. With that said, I'm not meant to be that "OH MY GOD being a mommy is my reason for living!! I couldn't imagine my life without being a mommy!! Being a mommy is the bestest most awesome job EVER!!!" lady.


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## Wiltshireman

As a father of 5 I will admit to a lot of bias but for me becoming a parent has been a joy. Even when money has been tight or a child has been ill they have provided me with so much joy that it has made all the hard work / worry worth it.

That said being a parent is not for everybody and I do not think anyone should be pressured into becoming a parent. After all it is a true "lifelong commitment".


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## ScarletBegonias

That's how I know I wasn't meant to be a mother and I'm simply doing the best I can with my kid. I don't feel or understand sentences like these:

"But then I'd be so totally and completely bored."
"My kids push me out of my comfort zone and allow me to do things I otherwise wouldn't be doing at my age. "
"I am grateful for them."

I think highly of people who can feel that and those who really get into being a mommy.

I'm done beating myself up for not feeling that way,thankfully.


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## Mavash.

SB I deleted my post for that very reason.

Sorry. Didn't mean to offend you.


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## John Lee

ScarletBegonias said:


> That's how I know I wasn't meant to be a mother and I'm simply doing the best I can with my kid. I don't feel or understand sentences like these:
> 
> "But then I'd be so totally and completely bored."
> "My kids push me out of my comfort zone and allow me to do things I otherwise wouldn't be doing at my age. "
> "I am grateful for them."
> 
> I think highly of people who can feel that and those who really get into being a mommy.
> 
> I'm done beating myself up for not feeling that way,thankfully.


No reason to feel inadequate just because you don't feel that way. I'm sure you're a good mother. It's not like I feel the way I described all the time either, sometimes I just feel like a mediocre dad, and sometimes I think "holy crap, I'm always busy now and it's never going to end." Plus, I'm not a stay-at-home parent and if I were I don't know if I'd be as cheerful about parenting.


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## Wiltshireman

Some seem people have a predisposition to be a good parent (high maternal / paternal instinct) and for others it seems to come / grow naturally. The people for whom I have the greatest admiration however are those who just "work at it" every day "doing the best" they can for a child.

Any parent who consistently puts the needs of their child above their own wants does not need to "beat themselves up".


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## Samus

I love my kids. One things for sure we were meant to procreate LOL...

But sometimes I do reminisce about the times my wife and I had complete independence and can do whatever we want to do at the drop of a hat. I have 3 kids and I love them with all my heart. They are the best thing that has happened to us and at the same time the worst. Kids are hard, have there own mind, will challenge you, will make your days stressful, will love you, will come see you in the morning and give you hugs and tell you I love you Mommy and Daddy, will share there smiles and laughter with you and will just be a part of you. 

You quickly love them when there born and for all the rough patches you go through in life with them you love them even harder and stronger. There a bundle of joys when you see there face light up when you bring them a present, or when you tell them you have a surprise for them. They are a stress reliever when you come home from a stressful day of work and there they are running to the door MOMMY or DADDY to give you hugs and kisses because all they can think of all they is how much they missed there Mommy and Daddy. Don't rush into it, but the sooner the better and I am sure you will be happy. Trips to Disney World, Trips to fun places with your kids just to see them smile when they hug the characters, when they do things that just touch your heart, you want to experience that side of life, believe me. 

My sister doesn't want kids and I support her in whatever she wants, but I believe marriage and kids are two things in life that everyone should experience. 

It is worth it.


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## ScarletBegonias

Mavash. said:


> SB I deleted my post for that very reason.
> 
> Sorry. Didn't mean to offend you.


oh no! I wasn't offended at all! I'm so sorry if I came off that way I was using your post as an example. I'm sorry you deleted it.


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## meson

If you don't feel the call and your husband can go either way then you don't need to go there. 

Having kids is great and they bring you to be a better person but you need to be ready for the work that it will bring. Not all people are really ready to be parents.


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## John Lee

I think if you are going to have kids, you have to be prepared to throw yourself into it fully. You can't be a one-foot-in-one-foot-out parent. I think a lot of unhappiness comes from expectations and from our minds being elsewhere -- thinking about all the things you "could" be doing instead of focusing on where you are. You don't have to completely give up your old life to parent, but if you expect to live substantially the same way but with a kid in tow, you're in for disappointment and pain. Better to learn to love taking your kid to the playground then to bang your head against the wall as your kid continues to not "behave" while you try to take him to adult activities all the time.


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## ScarletBegonias

meson said:


> they bring you to be a better person just as not having children can give you more opportunities to use your time and resources for the greater good of people and the planet.Does that not make a better person too? but you need to be ready for the work that it will bring. Not all people are really ready to be parentsHow about "not all people want to be parents"? Realize that people want different things.It isn't everyone's dream to be a parent and that doesn't mean it's because they aren't "ready" for it..


What you've said is basically what's wrong with the way parents regard people with no children.


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## Oatmeal

Hortensia said:


> Married for almost 8 years, together 9. Strong relationship, good communication, still madly in love. We're currently tackling the "to have children or not" issue. Hubby inclines toward " I'm happy either way, but we could have one ", while I'm more toward " I'm happy as we are now, I'd rather not".
> 
> Now don't get me wrong I love children - babies and toddlers. But, I don't find it worthy from two reasons:
> 
> 1. I love our relationship as it is. We are each other's most important person. I am able to give him all my attention, prepare him surprises, unique gifts and exotic dinners on a very often basis; we go out a lot, we have sex a lot; I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
> I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.
> 
> 2. This may sound negative, but it's an issue that I gave a lot of thought: what's the point in sacrificing yourself for a child, putting his needs first, love him until self oblivion, just for when he/ she grows up, will put their spouse above you? ( at least, according to what I read in these forums). I don't find it worthy to make kids priority in my life, for when they're grown up to play the second fiddle in their life to a stranger. Isn't it better to just live and enjoy my own life ? Donno, just don't see the point...
> 
> Feel free to share your thoughts with me, those who feel like I do, as much those of you who are happy parents.


This is one of those two yes situations, IMO. If you don't want one and you don't want your life to change...don't have one. I love my daughter, but she has changed my life a great deal and in the ways that you have concerns about.

You can always adopt later if you change your mind.


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## DobermanLove

Only have children if you feel like it's something you WANT to do. Meaning don't do it if you feel as though it's what you are expected to do. Do not allow fear to be a motivator in your decisions, whether it's children or x,y,z. Life is, and can be meaningful and fulfilling without children.


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## COGypsy

I'll chime in on the happily childfree side of the fence. I'm nearly 40 and have never had even the dimmest hint of a tick from a biological clock. I have a great career and have the time, flexibility and enough disposable income to pursue whatever interests me.

There is certainly a tradeoff though. I've given up several old friendships because I just don't fit into the "mommy lifestyle". I have nothing to contribute to endless discussions about daycare, lessons and kid food that seem to pop up when you get more than one mother in a room. So in all but a handful of cases, I've just moved on from those friendships and found new friends that are interested in the same charities I am, the same activities I am. If you aren't married, it also limits the dating pool. I don't date men who have dependent children or who want them. 

Personally, I believe in something I call the "kid-shaped hole". If you have a kid-shaped hole in your heart, then it's almost imperative to your happiness and self-actualization to have a child, however it may happen. If you don't, then a kid will be just another job in your life. Maybe it will be a really awesome job that you can't wait to dive into every day, maybe it will be a job that leaves you counting the minutes til you can clock out. 

For me, I'm grateful that I have the freedom to choose what's best for me, and frankly for the child I'm NOT having. I could technically parent. I could change a diaper, provide regular meals and shuttle a kid around til they graduated. However, it would be a real challenge to be interested and invested in a kid for 18 years. Luckily though, this isn't a theory I'll have to test!


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## hawkeye

COGypsy said:


> Personally, I believe in something I call the "kid-shaped hole". If you have a kid-shaped hole in your heart, then it's almost imperative to your happiness and self-actualization to have a child, however it may happen. If you don't, then a kid will be just another job in your life. Maybe it will be a really awesome job that you can't wait to dive into every day, maybe it will be a job that leaves you counting the minutes til you can clock out.


I think that's a good analogy. I'm usually counting the minutes. 

To be honest, we probably didn't think having a child through enough before we got pregnant. In our families, EVERYONE has kids, and usually 3-4. Having kids isn't an if, but a when, and that when is usually soon after you get married. We never really thought of not having them as an option. Thankfully, we had our child at a relatively young age (24), so we'll still be pretty young when she moves out. Theoretically, at least.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I don't think you make your children your top priority. In my mind the priorities should be:

1) God (if you are religious)
2) Spouse
3) Children

I do know that the problems in my marriage definitely escalated when we had children. She is a wonderful mother to my daughters but my feeling is that because she had a terrible childhood, she has made them the center of her life to the exclusion of me and everything else. That is still true even now as my daughters turn 9 and 12. I am low on her priority list. I think if you can continue to make your spouse your priority, you can have a strong marriage and be there for your children. Your marriage and bond with your spouse provides a great example for your children. Your children can strengthen the bond you have with your spouse in ways you can't anticipate. If you can't maintain that balance and keep your spouse a higher priority, you risk losing your marriage and harming your children despite your good intentions.

Do I regret having children? I cannot look at them and feel any regret at all. They have changed my life in countless positive ways and redefined how I understand love. They are beautiful beyond words. I don't think it is possible to adequately convey that to a person who doesn't have children.


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## CharlieParker

Hortensia said:


> 1. I love our relationship as it is. We are each other's most important person. I am able to give him all my attention, prepare him surprises, unique gifts and exotic dinners on a very often basis; we go out a lot, we have sex a lot; I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
> I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.


This was both us. We always assumed we'd have kids but kept saying "not right now we're enjoying ourselves too much as is". After 6 (or 8?) years of marriage we got to the point of now or never (didn't want to be "too old" parents). It was "never, we're enjoying ourselves too much as is". No regrets for either of us, and we do occasionally talk about it.


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## arbitrator

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't think you make your children your top priority. In my mind the priorities should be:
> 
> 1) God (if you are religious)
> 2) Spouse
> 3) Children


*I do love your priorities and mine would have been just that ~ greatly provided that both of my spouses chose to cheat in the latter stages of our marriages!

And only until some God-fearing woman can come along and substancially prove to me that she would place me next to God, and I her, then my boys would continue to steadfastly occupy second place within that hierarchy!*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

OP: Don't do it! If you're not BOTH committed to the idea, don't do it! What if you end up having to be a single-parent (divorce/death) to kids you were just "meh" about in the first place?

Parent/non-parents
Married/co-habitating
Gay/straight

Differences are what make people INTERESTING! I felt COMPELLED to be a mom! I wanted it badly since I was young. I ended up being an "older" mom (I turned 41yo shortly after my daughter was born). I am glad NOW that I was an older parent. I think I've learned a lot about how life REALLY works, what's REALLY important that I wouldn't have/couldn't have known in my 20s (not slamming anyone who's young or a young parent). 

I listen to current music with and without my daughter. I like a LOT of it. People my age (mid-50s) who are stuck on music from the 70s and life from the 70s are BORING to me! I don't want to be like the older people we've ALL SEEN who kvetch about how much times have changed, morals have slipped, music is noise, blah, blah, blah. 

My daughter will probably be notified that I died in a kick-boxing class, or in a water-skiing accident, or in some other inappropriate-for-a-woman-her-age manner! I'm gonna try to kick the Grim Reaper square in the ballz when he comes for me, and having a kid so late in life makes me feel about 20 years younger than I actually am! I'm convinced I may actually SUCCEED in kicking him! Regardless, he'll feel my wrath!


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## arbitrator

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> OP: Don't do it! If you're not BOTH committed to the idea, don't do it! What if you end up having to be a single-parent (divorce/death) to kids you were just "meh" about in the first place?
> 
> Parent/non-parents
> Married/co-habitating
> Gay/straight
> 
> Differences are what make people INTERESTING! I felt COMPELLED to be a mom! I wanted it badly since I was young. I ended up being an "older" mom (I turned 41yo shortly after my daughter was born). I am glad NOW that I was an older parent. I think I've learned a lot about how life REALLY works, what's REALLY important that I wouldn't have/couldn't have known in my 20s (not slamming anyone who's young or a young parent).
> 
> I listen to current music with and without my daughter. I like a LOT of it. People my age (mid-50s) who are stuck on music from the 70s and life from the 70s are BORING to me! I don't want to be like the older people we've ALL SEEN who kvetch about how much times have changed, morals have slipped, music is noise, blah, blah, blah.
> 
> My daughter will probably be notified that I died in a kick-boxing class, or in a water-skiing accident, or in some other inappropriate-for-a-woman-her-age manner! *I'm gonna try to kick the Grim Reaper square in the ballz when he comes for me, *and having a kid so late in life makes me feel about 20 years younger than I actually am! I'm convinced I may actually SUCCEED in kicking him! Regardless, he'll feel my wrath!


*Darlin': I'm going to try to kick Ol' Reapers ass the best I can as well, provided that he comes to do a little unauthorized snooping around here! Hell, I won a $10 bet with my oldest son this past Spring that his old man couldn't still kick a 35 yard field goal on his first two tries at his advanced age. Well, as fate would have it, I nailed it on No. 1; so Reaper, if you've got cajones big enough, just bring'em on down here for me too.

And while being considered as somewhat ancient, I'll still score three points for kicking your shrouded ass up over the crossbar and between the uprights!*


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## Ikaika

I respect anyone who makes the decision not to have children. It is a lifetime commitment for some of us. You are dealt cards you sometimes have no control over. Having a child with a lifelong disability can take a lot away from your marriage if you allow it. It does not have to, but it takes a lot more work. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself in anyway and do not want anyone feeling for me. It is what it is and love both my sons and could not imaging life without either of them. But, it becomes a commitment that while challenge your relationship if you let it. It can.

This of course does not mean you will end up with a child like mine but we simply have no control over certain things and if you ever decide to have a child you need to be prepared for any and everything.


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## Wiltshireman

drerio said:


> Having a child with a lifelong disability can take a lot away from your marriage if you allow it. It does not have to, but it takes a lot more work.



Until it happened to us we had never thought about the amount of extra energy and commitment it takes to raise a child with a disability. We are lucky that the struggles and heartache have brought our family closer together but I have seen friends relationships destroyed by the presure.


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## john117

My older daughter is an excellent photographer like her father . With the same equipment we manage about the same level of shots. Except I had 30 years of a head start. 

When you see wee bits of your own personality going into them and coming out even better than yours, and yet they have their own unique personality, then you have accomplished something that explains why kids are worth it.


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## *MiMi*

Hortensia said:


> I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
> I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.


This makes me think you should hold off or abandon the idea entirely. Having kids is a huge step. You can't just take it back.

I always said I'd never had children. My husband and I were together for 9 years before we had our first child (albeit we got together when we were very young). I love my children, but I don't think I knew what we were really getting into. My mom kept saying that I should be happy that we were together for so long without kids, but it made me mourn the relationship even more. A part of me felt like our relationship died when kids entered the picture. 

This post doesn't reflect very well on me. Maybe it's because I'm a SAHM to a 3 and 4-year-old. I'm right in the thick of it. I hear it gets easier, though and will pay off when I'm old and lonely (how does Bill Cosby say it?...when I'm an old woman trying to get into heaven). I'm holding onto that.


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## Trickster

At 9 years old, my daughter is amazing. I see both my wife and I with her looks as well as her personality. That part is amazing.

Our daughter is blind in one eye from a genetic condition. When she was younger, we had a very rought time. Somehow we managed.

We were in our mid thirties when we decided to have kids. As a man, I always wanted children. Even a H.S. friend wondered what took me so long to start. I think if my wife had her way, we never would of had a child. She did because she loved me. She just wanted to skip the diaper/baby stage,and sleepless nights, and go straight to the age of 7 or 8. which is about where we are at now. 

Maybe we should of adopted first. 

We should of got a dog first.

Being a parent is so much harder than I ever though it would be.I

We haven't been to a rated R movie in such a long time. Them darn Pixar movies. Don't tell anybody, but I actually like them. Some even make me cry. Shhhhh!


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## Almost There

I think it's something you have to be very enthusiastic about. You either know you want them, or... not. Everyone says "just wait; you'll want one; it happens to all of us." I have yet to feel that biological clock everyone tells me about, but I'm still young.

But like I said... if you aren't CRAZY about it, don't do it. It's a huge commitment!!


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## Holland

I did not plan on having kids, my first was an unplanned pregnancy but ultimately has been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I fell in love with my little man the second he was born. Then went on to have two more and am equally in love with them.

Being a parent is a hard job but is the most fulfilling experience of my life. My kids are amazing people and it gives me so my pleasure to watch them growing up into soon to be amazing young adults. We are fortunate that they are healthy and extremely intelligent kids. 

So while I gave parenthood little thought before it happened it has turned out to be life changing in the most precious way. It gets easier in some ways as they grown up, sleep deprivation is a thing of the past but now I worry about them out in the world on their own, on public transport and soon to be hitting pubs/nightclubs. 

One thing to seriously consider is the costs involved, sounds clinical I know but kids do cost a lot of money. Ours are all at very high fee private schools (our choice of course) but then there are all the others things to consider financially, sports, their social lives etc and the general cost of living.

I would not change how my life has gone for anything, my kids are my life and my future. Personally I would hate to be my age now and not have kids, they add such a different dimension to life. We go camping and exploring, I do girls shopping days, we love going to restaurants and cafes together. Snuggling on the couch with my kids and watching a movie is something that melts my heart.

Hard work, yes but oh so worth it.


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## moco82

I would second the default "it's all worth it opinion", but I am a biased observer like all other parents. Keep in mind that we are beholden to a sort of Stockholm syndrome that will not allow us to answer the following question earnestly: "If you had a button you could press to go back in time before kids, i.e. there would be no way to replicate the events and make those exact sperm meet those exact eggs again, and it wouldn't be like you were refusing your kid(s), would you press it?"

Also keep in mind that some people (often women) who always had anticipated kids find themselves miserable when the instinct doesn't kick in after their child is born; yet other people (often men) who never wanted kids find that parenting comes naturally to them and find it enjoyable. Obviously, the former scenario is one you won't hear unless you're a therapist hearing a client's confession.

As for your relationship with your husband: if it is strong, it'll weather the storm. You may have seen from other threads that my relationship has seen various trouble, especially sexual, but because it was laid-back and almost automatic on the domestic front, introducing a baby into the picture wasn't like a wrecking ball. It contrasted highly with other couples who seemed to everyone to be madly in love and tranquil, but shaken to the core once the stress of parenting was introduced.


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## moco82

*MiMi* said:


> I hear it gets easier, though and will pay off when I'm old and lonely (how does Bill Cosby say it?...when I'm an old woman trying to get into heaven). I'm holding onto that.


I didn't think as much about my 401(k) contribution until becoming a parent. Because now I'm looking forward to retirement! Just hope they have good and safe varieties of Viagra by then.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I can't imagine my life without my children. I actually very much regret not having one more. The decision was up to me, hubby was fine either way. I decided not to, thinking of the future and finances(we already have 3 children). I didn't realize we'd fine financially until retirement. Now it's too late. I badly injured my neck at 34 and 4.5 years later hubby got the big V. I'm very blessed with the 3 I have. They are absolutely wonderful and I enjoy every moment with them. My two youngest are inseparable and best of friends. 

This decision is really between you and your husband. Our responses should not be influencing your decision.


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## Bellavista

There are times when if I could go back in time, I would not have kids again. We had 5 in 9 years. The youngest is now 16 and at the moment, all I have from all them is worry and heartache.

Now I am at the point I just want them to grow up, leave home, sort their lives out and leave me in peace.

Sure, the more 'Mommy' types will crucify me, but I am being honest. If you really don't feel like having kids, then don't.


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## SimplyAmorous

Hortensia said:


> Married for almost 8 years, together 9. Strong relationship, good communication, still madly in love. We're currently tackling the "to have children or not" issue. Hubby inclines toward " I'm happy either way, but we could have one ", while I'm more toward " I'm happy as we are now, I'd rather not".


 Your heart is not in it...you are fulfilled and enjoying your lives just as you are... nothing wrong with that..:smthumbup:

Here is a thread that gives some of the Lo down on what you will be giving up.. how children can change the dynamics .... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/69951-will-having-kids-ruin-your-marriage.html#post5104594

Perspectives are so different with various people.. . I just did a post earlier saying how I hated sports, I mean I seriously see Football as the dumbest thing known to man, a pure waste of time, one could not pay me to sit through a football game - others would say There is something wrong with me & tell me I am boring...then some see kids as "money sucking leeches" - a comment from a guy my husband works with...he & his wife are content with their chiwawa they dress up on Halloween ....she is the cutest little thing...that is enough for them....I know this man thinks my husband is crazy for having as many kids as we have.... .we're just different. 

Marrying someone who feels similar. ...you have done well ! 

When I couldn't conceive after our 1st son.... I was an envious angry basketcased puddle of tears....I wanted the dirty diapers, the late nights, dragging a bunch of brats to Disney, all the chaos one can imagine with a big family... this was my dream ! It was something deep inside of me..... worst time in my life thinking I may never realize that family dancing in my head... it was like I KNEW....so when those babies started coming ...one after another after another...there was such a gratitude there... happiest time in our lives...lovin on them, fulfilling their days, watching the smiles on their faces, playing with each other, with friends.......

My point is... you would feel compelled to go there -if you are meant to....But these things should never be forced...it's all in what you want out of life...our lives are set before us to be ENJOYED , not endured... Children or no. 




> 1. I love our relationship as it is. We are each other's most important person. I am able to give him all my attention, prepare him surprises, unique gifts and exotic dinners on a very often basis; we go out a lot, we have sex a lot; I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
> I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.


 Many women do feel overwhelmed.. having a colicy baby, or coming down with postpartum ... trying to juggle work and the demands of motherhood...this can be challenging for many...there is sacrifice .. risks of the unknown.... It's a new lifestyle for sure. Not everyone is cut out for it. 

They can bring great rewards but they also cause us so much worry , and sometimes heartache, when they hurt, we hurt.. we cry with them... oh and they sure can frustrate us as well...



> 2. This may sound negative, but it's an issue that I gave a lot of thought: what's the point in sacrificing yourself for a child, putting his needs first, love him until self oblivion, just for when he/ she grows up, will put their spouse above you? ( at least, according to what I read in these forums). I don't find it worthy to make kids priority in my life, for when they're grown up to play the second fiddle in their life to a stranger. Isn't it better to just live and enjoy my own life ? Donno, just don't see the point...


 there is nothing wrong with your point of view...it's how you feel....and if he's on board...so this wont be a contention...the husband not feeling a yearn to carry on his name sake...that's good!

Me & my husband see it very differently....but that would make sense -right !! Again....this is just another perspective...

All the blood , sweat and tears....skinned knees.. late nights...too many birthday parties to throw and go to.....these years shared with our children.... fingerprints on the walls, dirty little feet bringing me a handful of dandilions saying "I got these for you Mommy" so proud of himself... moments like this make me happy to be alive.. I feel my purpose... hearing the laughter in my home when they have friends over....even when they fight....they still love each other...

The memories shared, feeling their excitement on Christmas morning...watching wrapping paper flying ....memories shared, recorded, reminisced.... the events we attended to cheer them on, the connections/ friendships brought into our lives......this will be enough for me... When they hit 18....if they all leave, move to another state...so long as they are happy... I will feel we have done well... knowing we made a difference in their lives.. we helped give them wings to fly...Now it is their time -to realize their own dreams ...whatever they may be....we step aside... but it was such a joy for this season in our lives...


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## Adelais

I love my children, but the being a parent thing is what is draining. All in all, it is worth it, though.

IMHO, you should not have children right now, based on your and your husbands feelings about it.

You may still have a few years to change your mind. And even if your clock strikes 12, you could adopt.


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## Anonymous07

If your husband can go either way and you don't really want to have kids, then DON'T DO IT. You have to want to be a parent or else you may end up resenting the child. That would not be fair to either party. 



drerio said:


> I respect anyone who makes the decision not to have children. It is a lifetime commitment for some of us. You are dealt cards you sometimes have no control over. Having a child with a lifelong disability can take a lot away from your marriage if you allow it. It does not have to, but it takes a lot more work. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself in anyway and do not want anyone feeling for me. It is what it is and love both my sons and could not imaging life without either of them. But, it becomes a commitment that while challenge your relationship if you let it. It can.
> 
> This of course does not mean you will end up with a child like mine but we simply have no control over certain things and if you ever decide to have a child you need to be prepared for any and everything.


Also, you have to think about some of the "what ifs", such as having a child with a disability. No one ever thinks it will happen to them, but it very well can. 

I grew up with a "disability", going through surgery after surgery and it put a LOT of stress on my parents. Knowing my own issues and what my parents went through, I knew that it would be difficult with a sick child. My own son also has a couple health issues and it can be very stressful at times(my son has stopped breathing before!), but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I love being around my son and enjoy watching him learn and grow. Unfortunately,  my husband may not feel the same and our marriage is unstable, but I don't regret having my son at all. If I end up a single parent, then so be it.


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## skype

I have very mixed feelings about being a parent. Now that our children are grown, I am glad that I had them, and I learned so much about human nature from being a parent that I couldn't have learned any other way. No one could have convinced me about genetic traits until I saw my MIL coming out in our daughter. I also felt myself being stretched in ways that I never had before.

But so much of parenting was very stressful for me. I love my quiet, alone time, and children can never seem to get enough attention. Our daughter was very jealous of our son, and no matter how hard we tried to allay her fears, she did not have a good relationship with him until she moved out of the house. He still resents her to this day. My MIL also had a very bad relationship with her siblings due to her jealousy.

I never did get comfortable with discipline, and each child requires a different carrot and stick to motivate and control their behavior. I was uncomfortable with the social aspect of parenting. People love to make judgments about others' parenting skills. I also hated school projects and fund-raisers. Thank goodness those days are behind me!


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## Kashia

I'm a mom to 4 great kids. I couldn't imagine life without these interesting individuals. They are long out of the baby and toddler years, I find I miss that occasionally lol. They fill my life with joy. I'm not gonna lie and say teenagers are fun all the time, but we have our ups and downs. Mostly ups I'd say. Having children was definitely worth all the sleepless nights haha.
That being said, my SIL and BIL never had kids and didn't want any. They love their life too. It's personal choice. One needs to sit down and think about all the things they like about their life and ask themselves if kids will fit in or if things will need too much adjusting. It's all up to the couple and they shouldn't let anyone make the decision for them or influence them. Just my opinion


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## more_waffles

There was never any question for us that we would have kids. They are a lot of work and expense, but when I imagine a life without them, the life I imagine seems hollow and pointless. I have colleagues who chose not to have kids, and they are quite happy. They travel the world, go out whenever they please, and I envy their freedom, but would not trade my life for theirs. Bottom line, kids make no rational sense. They cost money, scream, poop and vomit and crowd out your other interests. If you don't have that instinctual and irrational tug to have them, then you just aren't a kid person. Nothing wrong with that. Enjoy your trips to the Bahamas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bailingout

Hortensia said:


> Married for almost 8 years, together 9. Strong relationship, good communication, still madly in love. We're currently tackling the "to have children or not" issue. Hubby inclines toward " I'm happy either way, but we could have one ", while I'm more toward " I'm happy as we are now, I'd rather not".
> 
> Now don't get me wrong I love children - babies and toddlers. But, I don't find it worthy from two reasons:
> 
> 1. I love our relationship as it is. We are each other's most important person. I am able to give him all my attention, prepare him surprises, unique gifts and exotic dinners on a very often basis; we go out a lot, we have sex a lot; I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
> I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.
> 
> 2. This may sound negative, but it's an issue that I gave a lot of thought: what's the point in sacrificing yourself for a child, putting his needs first, love him until self oblivion, just for when he/ she grows up, will put their spouse above you? ( at least, according to what I read in these forums). I don't find it worthy to make kids priority in my life, for when they're grown up to play the second fiddle in their life to a stranger. Isn't it better to just live and enjoy my own life ? Donno, just don't see the point...
> 
> Feel free to share your thoughts with me, those who feel like I do, as much those of you who are happy parents.


H and I were together 13 years, married 4. He always wanted them, I could have cared less (dysfunctional childhood- no bond with parents- fear of repeating the no bond cycle). When I reached 35, I really began to question if I should or not, wondered if I would regret not having them. I wasn't sold on the idea (saw my friends start having them and was NOT impressed with that lifestyle AT ALL).

Decided at 36 to let nature guide the way. Over a year passed, never happened, I accepted it wasn't meant to be, then BAM pregnant. I was horrified. Struggled ALOT in the beginning, didn't bond immediately, at times doubted if I was cut out for it, a few times thought I made a terrible mistake but at the same time I was very protective of her, who watched her, what she ate, if she got hurt. 

At 18 mos, I was walking with her holding her hand and I had an incredible feeling come over me like I just knew we were going to be ok. That moment changed everything for me. 

Now, I couldn't imagine life without her. I will do anything for her and protect her like a mean mama lion, even from H. Don't mess with my girl. At 1 yr I decided I was a one and done mom. Only recently have I questioned that decision (she's 8) but only because I fear for her when we are gone, then again siblings are no guarantee for life.

As for her growing up and moving on without you, it is my belief that if you can create a real bond with them as kids, they will be there for you throughout their life. I may be wrong, but my adult friends who truly had good/great mentally healthy parents still have great relationships with their kids (5 off the top of my head). My friends who had mentally unhealthy parents are the ones who've been deserted by their kids (over 50 friends). 

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. For me it's totally worth it. My H, nope.


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## Trickster

Hortensia-

We had to learn to live on just one income. We tried to drop off our daughter at day care and it just broke our hearts. We couldn't do it...

I see so many babies at day care. My wife actually has a job at a daycare now...mostly because the hours are flexible to allow her to be home when our 9 year old gets home.

I don't know how long this will last. I think one of us should be here when our daughter gets home.

Oh..one more thing.... I had to stop cursing...


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## meson

ScarletBegonias said:


> What you've said is basically what's wrong with the way parents regard people with no children.


I missed this reply. You read way too much into my statement. I have kids and recognize the benefits I had and mentioning them should not be taken to mean that they will be denied to those that don't have kids. All I did was mention a benefit to having kids. That's really not the same as saying that people without kids wont have oppurtinities to better themselves. I actually wish more people wouldn't have kids just to have them because it's expected. I respect those that choose not to have them. Please don't automatically assume that a statement for something implies I'm against the alternative.


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## Hortensia

ScarletBegonias said:


> Being a parent isn't the highlight of my life.
> 
> My little man is great and I love him to pieces. With that said, I'm not meant to be that "OH MY GOD being a mommy is my reason for living!! I couldn't imagine my life without being a mommy!! Being a mommy is the bestest most awesome job EVER!!!" lady.


I hear you ! I was at work one day and heard a customer stating " Your life only begins when you have kids ". In my mind I was like " WTF, this is the biggest load of crp I ever heard of ! " lol. I love my life for being my own don't feel any need for it to become all about a kid..

Thank everybody who replied, I'm somehow relieved that I'm not the only one who feels that way. I feel like I'm being selfish not wanting kids and maybe I am, but this is how I feel. Hopefully I don't change my mind when it is too late.


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## Hortensia

Trickster said:


> Oh..one more thing.... I had to stop cursing...


Lol ! 
I stopped cursing when first got together with H. It was almost like stop smoking...had to be careful for the F word not to come out when being p1ssed..coz I used to curse when upset..


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## Hortensia

john117 said:


> When you see wee bits of your own personality going into them and coming out even better than yours, and yet they have their own unique personality, then you have accomplished something that explains why kids are worth it.


Ah, and this is another aspect. What if you are not happy with your personality ? Or better put, what if your children come out with your negative traits, with what you dislike most about yourself? Then you feel frustration and resentment rather than accomplishment. I have a friend who doesn't really love her son, because he got all she doesn't like about herself, instead of resembling his father's traits like she wished. She is currently in IC and struggles a lot with the issue. Gave me a lot to think about...:scratchhead:


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## john117

I had to deal with that too and nearly broke up the family in the process. Older daughter took after my math and hard science skills (slim to none) and high school attitude in general except acing art and design classes . My (naturally ) Asian wife expected her to go to med school like all her friends' kids. Wife also objected to the kid's not so modest looks (think Kim Kardashian ). After serious fighting, therapy, et cetera wife saw the light or was backed into a corner with view of the light. Girl is now a magna cum laude design student on a major scholarship and (imagine that) wife is her biggest cheerleader.

Younger girl has taken her mom's math and hard science talents but also her indecisiveness, utter fear of failure, and relative lack of flexibility. Naturally she is aiming for med school


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Trickster said:


> Oh..one more thing.... *I had to stop cursing*...


This made me laugh! I never got the hang of that one...my kid's heard it all from her Dad or from me! She's used to my 'trucker's mouth'. (Sorry to all truckers!)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hortensia said:


> *I feel like I'm being selfish *not wanting kids and maybe I am, but this is how I feel.



Don't feel badly. My only sister NEVER wanted kids. EVER. It took her 3-4 doctors in her 20s before she found one who'd do a tubal ligation on her...they all swore she'd change her mind.

She's 60yo now and it's a GOOD THING she was never a parent! She would not have been a good mom (she has a difficult personality to deal with...good heart, but tough to take!) 

I'm not implying that YOU would not be a good mom, but oftentimes people know WELL ENOUGH whether or not they ought to be a parent (for WHATEVER reason). Don't let anyone hustle you into living a life that is NOT in YOUR best interest! It will be over before you know it and, although having regrets is inevitable, those regrets should never include people in your life long-term that you were strong-armed into accepting (kids, spouse, step-parent, etc.).

JMHO.


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## John Lee

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> This made me laugh! I never got the hang of that one...my kid's heard it all from her Dad or from me! She's used to my 'trucker's mouth'. (Sorry to all truckers!)


I'll just say ours was a pretty early talker, and a little parrot, and we didn't quite stop soon enough.


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## COGypsy

Extra bonus points for staying a perpetual auntie....you get to TEACH the little darlings all the fun words!

:rofl:


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## hambone

Hortensia said:


> Married for almost 8 years, together 9. Strong relationship, good communication, still madly in love. We're currently tackling the "to have children or not" issue. Hubby inclines toward " I'm happy either way, but we could have one ", while I'm more toward " I'm happy as we are now, I'd rather not".
> 
> Now don't get me wrong I love children - babies and toddlers. But, I don't find it worthy from two reasons:
> 
> 1. I love our relationship as it is. We are each other's most important person. I am able to give him all my attention, prepare him surprises, unique gifts and exotic dinners on a very often basis; we go out a lot, we have sex a lot; I'm not ready for all this to change and for me to become a sleep deprived, tired mom who doesn't have time anymore for her man and lost all sex drive.
> I'm not ready neither I want to put someone above him, or him above me. It's perfect.
> 
> 2. This may sound negative, but it's an issue that I gave a lot of thought: what's the point in sacrificing yourself for a child, putting his needs first, love him until self oblivion, just for when he/ she grows up, will put their spouse above you? ( at least, according to what I read in these forums). I don't find it worthy to make kids priority in my life, for when they're grown up to play the second fiddle in their life to a stranger. Isn't it better to just live and enjoy my own life ? Donno, just don't see the point...
> 
> Feel free to share your thoughts with me, those who feel like I do, as much those of you who are happy parents.


Sounds like you aren't ready to have kids.

Kids definitely change your life. BUT, I never felt like I was giving anything up... 

I PREFERRED to spend time with my children as opposed to those other activities I engaged in before they were born.

I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of raising my kids. They are S 20 and DD 18. I am missing going to my sons basketball games... and daughter's soccer games. We are a very close family. We always had an extra child or two spending the night. 

If you are unsure... I'd wait... until you are sure.


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## ExiledBayStater

Hortensia said:


> Feel free to share your thoughts with me, those who feel like I do, as much those of you who are happy parents.


At 34 I'm sure you know yourself well enough and know what you want, but I'll share my story anyway.

Well, well. I was looking for help on the kids in marriage issue once and that's how I found TAM. At the time I didn't really want them but accepted parenthood as part of being a straight man, given that there are more men than women who want to stay kid-free. All I could do was explain to my wife why we need to make space for a crib and a car seat before we start our family.

I never truly wanted a child until I had the occasion to visit a relative who can no longer live at home. It broke my heart and made me realize there is no escaping the human life cycle. I see children as a source of hope and joy, as sappy and potentially ridiculous as that sounds. My wife and I know we aren't ready as a practical matter but are working on it.

Reading the OP, it's not clear to me what you mean when you say you are tackling the issue. Are you feeling pressured or are you just on here because you know it's important to your husband? Is there a part of you that is afraid you would regret not having children?


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## Hortensia

ExiledBayStater said:


> Are you feeling pressured or are you just on here because you know it's important to your husband? Is there a part of you that is afraid you would regret not having children?


Yes to both. He told me he lets me have the say on this matter and he's fine with anything I choose because he sees positives in both life styles. But sometimes I wonder if he won't desire kids later on, when I would no longer be able to get pregnant. 
I also worry about that 1-2 per cent chance that I change my mind myself too late. Tough choice. I have 5-6 years more, to think about it :scratchhead:


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## CharlieParker

Hortensia said:


> Yes to both. He told me he lets me have the say on this matter and he's fine with anything I choose because he sees positives in both life styles. But sometimes I wonder if he won't desire kids later on, when I would no longer be able to get pregnant.
> I also worry about that 1-2 per cent chance that I change my mind myself too late. Tough choice. I have 5-6 years more, to think about it :scratchhead:


Will he desire kids later on, who knows but if you've been talking about it for while (and likely will continue to for 5-6) he'll know what he's getting himself into. Make sure in 5-6 to have a final conversation and make it clear that this is it. We went into that discussion agreeing it would only take one yes but would require two nos.


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## yeah_right

hawkeye said:


> I'm a parent in the "I love my kid to death but hate being a parent" camp, FWIW. There are a lot of us out there and probably many more if people were willing to be honest with themselves.


I adore my children but I'd be lying if I haven't thought many times over the years..."Life would have been much easier without them". The little punks wreck your body, your finances and free time. But my goodness the hubby and I enjoy them to pieces and we agree that it's what life is all about. Watching them grow up to be productive members of society is really fulfilling.


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## norajane

If you see children as a burden instead of a blessing, then you probably aren't going to be happy and fulfilled as a parent. 

Everything changes so your focus is on the children and the welfare of the children and the education of the children and the finances for the children and the future for your children. Your time is arranged around the children, your home is arranged around the children, and your decisions are made in terms of what is best for the children. 

If that sounds like too much to bear for the next 18 years, then it might be best for you not to have children. If that's not the life experience you are seeking, you really aren't required to raise children and it's ok not to. There are plenty of people who want kids more than anything and it makes sense that they have them.

We don't have kids and that suits us best. We like to travel, we want to retire early, we don't want the added stress and worry on our minds about the well-being of children now and forever, and we didn't want the drudgery part of raising children.

I will tell you, though, you might run into people every now and then who feel the need to question or insult your choices. I've been told things like it's "unnatural" or "unfeminine" to not want kids, and that I will regret it one day, and that I can't possibly be fulfilled without them.


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## COGypsy

norajane said:


> I will tell you, though, you might run into people every now and then who feel the need to question or insult your choices. I've been told things like it's "unnatural" or "unfeminine" to not want kids, and that I will regret it one day, and that I can't possibly be fulfilled without them.


Don't forget the ever popular "Who will take care of you when you're old?"!

Seriously though, I think that deciding to have children is the biggest decision you make in life. Especially if you're a woman. More often than not, it's the woman who has to take off of work, do all the doctors appointments/school meetings/sick days/birthday parties/room mother/ chauffeuring stuff and it really makes a huge impact on her overall life, much more so than I see it affecting men.


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## Trickster

Hortensia said:


> Yes to both. He told me he lets me have the say on this matter and he's fine with anything I choose because he sees positives in both life styles. But sometimes I wonder if he won't desire kids later on, when I would no longer be able to get pregnant.
> I also worry about that 1-2 per cent chance that I change my mind myself too late. Tough choice. I have 5-6 years more, to think about it :scratchhead:


My wife and I were in our mid 30's when we decided we wanted to try to get pregnant. At that time we were married for 3 years and together for 12 or so... We waited a long time to marry.

I was the one who talked my wife in having a baby. We were on the fence as well. We didn't want to regret not having children, so we took the plunge. My wife wasn't the motherly type at first. She had the hardest time ever. So our first child was our last.

Its not fair that your hubby wants you to decide. That's a cop out for your hubby. To me it sounds like you would be the main care taker. You would be the one to be a SAHM. Look for all the mothers day out activities. Look for things like Gymboree, so you can meet other moms with a baby in the same age range. Would you like to do that for a few years? 5 years? Or longer if you have more than one.


Now we are both 46 with a 9 year old. She does keep me young.


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## Trickster

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> This made me laugh! I never got the hang of that one...my kid's heard it all from her Dad or from me! She's used to my 'trucker's mouth'. (Sorry to all truckers!)


Former Navy...ever other word was a cuss word


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## Trickster

For a few months, set your alarm clock to go off every 2-3 hours. If your husband has to work, you will be the one getting up. Hubby may use the excuse that he has to work and he needs his sleep.

For the first 6 months, all of our friends told us that we looked exhausted....we were.


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## hambone

Trickster said:


> For a few months, set your alarm clock to go off every 2-3 hours. If your husband has to work, you will be the one getting up. Hubby may use the excuse that he has to work and he needs his sleep.
> 
> For the first 6 months, all of our friends told us that we looked exhausted....we were.


LIfe is SOOOOOO much easier when mom is a SAHM..

My wife was a SAHM. She did M-Th and I'd usually take either Friday or Saturday night. 

When we had two little ones... I got her a maid that came 3 half days a week.


Why? Because with that maid... mom had the time and energy to spend on dad!!!!


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## SimplyAmorous

Hortensia said:


> I hear you ! *I was at work one day and heard a customer stating " Your life only begins when you have kids ". In my mind I was like " WTF, this is the biggest load of crp I ever heard of ! *" lol. I love my life for being my own don't feel any need for it to become all about a kid..


 Again, I am comparing someone like myself (who desperately wanted children) to someone like yourself .. If I heard that comment in the past, I might have started to cry...because it resonated so much with HOW I DID FEEL... that is how badly I wanted more children, could taste that larger family..... 

I wouldn't say this EVER to others though, because I clearly understand people feel differently...and that would be wrong to do...*we each have our own personal / or couple "Vision' of happiness*....the the freedom to pursue just that..an open road map before us. 

The way you feel -speaks volumes...lay this to rest...enjoy your life...with your husband, travel, whatever your heart desires....do it with gusto...like the saying below... 

I also don't feel a couple is selfish for NOT wanting kids.. In reality, I could say I WAS SELFISH for wanting them... IN fact, I have spoken this many times over the years - when I've had discussions like this with others who don't want children & such comments were laid on them- by others. (which is wrong)...

Some may even be speaking out of a place of jealousy -wishing they had more free time , or more $$, and masking it with hurtful comments to uplift their own sacrifice...one just never knows... 

We all selfishly enjoy what we enjoy...this is being Human and being in touch with ourselves...


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## Hortensia

Wow Simply Amorous, love the text you added in black fonts at the end ! It encompasses all my life principles. Just another amazingly positive post of yours !


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## Yolandi

I think it's worth it. I have never felt the type of love before that I now have for my son. It's magical!

It is an adjustment for your relationship for sure. 

I hope someday that my son does find a partner. What is important to me is not so much that he always puts me first, but the whole experience along the way.


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## heartsbeating

Hortensia, thanks for asking this question and to everyone that's posted, thanks for your honest opinions and thoughts too.

I've never felt that great urge to have children, although I do love children, and never gone gaga (Queen anyone?) when seeing a baby. It must take a lot to melt this cold heart! It's something I think about from time to time but not in the way my friends do. What a trip, they map out exactly the age they are going to have babies... I must have missed that memo! If I start thinking to the future, it's usually around more travel, a business with my husband, that kind of thing, and then I realize afterwards that I haven't even considered children in that picture. 

Although my husband would feel more inclined than me, it's not a 'must' for him either. We occasionally talk about it. We're starting to get a little old and cold and settled in our ways here (Joni Mitchell anyone?).... and, we really dig our settled ways.

Lately, this weird thing is going on with me though. I've been having many dreams around pregnancy. It's not always me that's pregnant in the dreams. I have awoken from these dreams with one of two distinct feelings at different times - one is the feeling of clarity and absolute peace, a sense of knowing how precious each moment of life is (I know it sounds cheesy); the other is the feeling of a deep inner turmoil. Anyway... I'm not sure I have a point to this post.


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## BatedBreath

Hortensia, if you have a happy, fulfilling life and marriage and neither you or your husband have a burning desire for kids, I would keep things just as they are. I didn't think I wanted kids, and the at age 25, I was hit with the most intense longing to be a mother. Without that longing, I don't see a reason to turn your world upside down....because that is exactly what kids do. Ours is about to turn 3, and I barely remember life without her. I'm always exhausted, our marriage has really struggled, and I have almost no time to pursue my own interests. All that being said, the love I have for her is like nothing I've ever experienced.


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## northernlights

I'm one of those women who are just crazy blissfully happy with every moment of motherhood--even the tantrums and the cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night. Because after the cleanup, I get to hold them and comfort them, and there's pretty much nothing better than that.

However, I've wanted children since I was a child. I remember asking my mom at 5 where babies come from not because I was especially curious, but because I needed to know so I could have one ASAP. I was dreaming about getting pregnant at 15. I didn't have sex until I was 21 so that if I got pregnant, I'd be able to finish college before the baby was born. I was absolutely certain that I'd be keeping it and raising it myself if an unplanned pg happened.

All of which is to say that some of the people who love parenthood have a burning desire to be parents. My heart didn't lead me the wrong way in this decision, and I'd bet your heart won't mislead you either.


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## hambone

northernlights said:


> I'm one of those women who are just crazy blissfully happy with every moment of motherhood--even the tantrums and the cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night. Because after the cleanup, I get to hold them and comfort them, and there's pretty much nothing better than that.
> 
> However, I've wanted children since I was a child. I remember asking my mom at 5 where babies come from not because I was especially curious, but because I needed to know so I could have one ASAP. I was dreaming about getting pregnant at 15. I didn't have sex until I was 21 so that if I got pregnant, I'd be able to finish college before the baby was born. I was absolutely certain that I'd be keeping it and raising it myself if an unplanned pg happened.
> 
> All of which is to say that some of the people who love parenthood have a burning desire to be parents. My heart didn't lead me the wrong way in this decision, and I'd bet your heart won't mislead you either.


You sound like my wife.

Early on, when we were dating, I asked her, "what did yo want to be when you were growing up?" And without hesitation, she said, "A mommy". I pressed her and she never wavered.

She has a sister that is 6 years younger than she is... Ask her mom about when her older sister was a baby and she'll tell you to ask my wife. My wife raised her baby sister because she wanted to. 

Like you, my wife absolutely loves being a mommy and a wife.


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## loopy lu

I wasnt going to have kids and H gave me an ultimatum. So I had them. And love them to bits (I had 3!)...Yep its work, and yep its different, but its just different. Not better, not worse. 

A childless person in my life who didnt want to have any asked if they should have them and why...my honest response was that you dont regret them once you are here...You can be happy either way.


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## tryingtobebetter

I find the older I get (now 61), the more grateful I am that we had three.

Now my only regret is that we did not start trying sooner and had more. 

Once you are gone, they and their children will hopefully still be walking the earth. At my age that is a deeply comforting thought. Eventually we can all become part of the great stream of Life.


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## hambone

tryingtobebetter said:


> I find the older I get (now 61), the more grateful I am that we had three.
> 
> Now my only regret is that we did not start trying sooner and had more.
> 
> Once you are gone, they and their children will hopefully still be walking the earth. At my age that is a deeply comforting thought. Eventually we can all become part of the great stream of Life.


I agree. We didn't marry until we were 35... BUT, if I had met her sooner and we'd got started sooner... I'd have had more than 2.


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## northernlights

hambone said:


> I agree. We didn't marry until we were 35... BUT, if I had met her sooner and we'd got started sooner... I'd have had more than 2.


If we didn't have such serious marital problems, I would have wanted more than 2 also. But I can't imagine doing it again with my H. He wouldn't help me with any of the night or sick duty, and it was just too much to do all by myself.


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## Bellavista

I would say having little kids is harder physically, but having teens and older is harder emotionally.


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## hambone

northernlights said:


> If we didn't have such serious marital problems, I would have wanted more than 2 also. But I can't imagine doing it again with my H. He wouldn't help me with any of the night or sick duty, and it was just too much to do all by myself.


My wife was a SAHM. She did ALL the night shift except I would usually take 1 night on the weekends I didn't work.

BUT, I got her a maid to come in 3 half days a week.

We did good on our first one... But, our last baby was tough. My wife was almost 40 when she was born and everytime we went to the doctor.. he told us we were potentially facing a problem. Next time we'd go.. "well, we got past that problem.. BUT, it looks like we potentially facing yada yada yada". This went on the entire pregnancy starting with gestational diabetes and it didn't stop until the child was born. Plus my wife just wasn't handling it well physically. I knew this was our last one... My wife couldn't have handled another one. 

At one point, they thought our daughter was mentally retarded and had severe liver damage. In the end, we got a wonderful healthy baby... But, they kept us on edge the entire pregnancy.


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## hambone

Bellavista said:


> I would say having little kids is harder physically, but having teens and older is harder emotionally.


I would agree with that... My step daughter was REAL hard on us emotionally. She was hard down mean... very disrespectfully BUT, she had a father who couldn't care less about his daughter.. his sole purpose in life was to make his ex wife as miserable as possible.

The two kids we have together have been, emotional, not hear as challenging as that step was. And the reason why, IMO, because I have been a strong supporter.

I can't imagine what it's like to be a single mother and not have a dad in the house to help you with the discipline.


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## northernlights

hambone said:


> I can't imagine what it's like to be a single mother and not have a dad in the house to help you with the discipline.


That's funny, discipline would be much easier in my house if I were a single parent. One set of rules, consistent enforcement, a united front, and a single, consistent parenting philosophy. Having a partner who was on board with discipline and had my back would surely be easier than single parenting, but single parenting would be easier than parenting with another child for a husband.


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## yours4ever

I didn't know that babies are adorable until I got one. I didn't know what's a mom's love is until my child is around 6 months old. The love for a child is different than the love towards a spouse. I became a mum not knowing that I had to endure the sleepless nights, lost of freedom to anything, anytime I wanted, and no one told me how hard it is to be pregnant and to deliver a baby. I wish someone would have told me this and taught me how how to survive being a sahm.

But now that my son is one year old, I would say I would go through all the pain and trouble to have another one. Why? 
1. A baby is so so so much adorable than a pet dog/cat. A human baby is three times funnier than a pet.
2. It is an honor to be a mentor and a protector of a helpless innocent person. 
3. My son gives me so much JOY just by being him... I have laughed so much more this year (and also some breakdowns, but those were because I didn't know how to be happy)than before.
4. Life is so meaningful and wonderful..yes, even when I am a stay at home mum. Being a sahm allows me to enjoy my time with my child more. I look forward to travel and have those childhood games with my child and husband.

Having children enrich a couple's life together. A child gives hope of the future, an entertainment and also a wider range of life and emotion experience.

Having a rough time with a child or two makes life more interesting and challenging.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon

Don't do it yet - children need ready Mum's & Dad's and even then you are never entirely ready.


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## Trickster

Horizon said:


> Don't do it yet - children need ready Mum's & Dad's and even then you are never entirely ready.


I think if we all waited until we thought we were ready financially as well as emotionally there would be a lot less children being born.

I dont know of any studies but IMO, very few couple actually plan ahead to get pregnant. I also tink the ones who wait until they're ready are the one who want it so bad they go through invetro to get pregnant just to be disapointed.

I think most people just take that plunge... that leap of faith to start a family. or... "ready or not here I come" says baby.

My wife and I planned to get pregnant because we were getting old. I just didn't think it would happen so quick. I guess our daughter was ready before we were. We had no idea what we were doing.

Some parents have that natural parental ability. Others have to really work at it.


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## ExiledBayStater

Trickster said:


> I think if we all waited until we thought we were ready financially as well as emotionally there would be a lot less children being born.
> 
> I dont know of any studies but IMO, very few couple actually plan ahead to get pregnant. I also tink the ones who wait until they're ready are the one who want it so bad they go through invetro to get pregnant just to be disapointed.
> 
> I think most people just take that plunge... that leap of faith to start a family. or... "ready or not here I come" says baby.
> 
> My wife and I planned to get pregnant because we were getting old. I just didn't think it would happen so quick. I guess our daughter was ready before we were. We had no idea what we were doing.
> 
> Some parents have that natural parental ability. Others have to really work at it.


I would mostly agree, with the caveat that some people have perfected the state of not ready for children. Children greatly benefit from parents who are not in that category.


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## LadyDee

> having kids- worth it ?



YES, it was/is worth it.. Had four and now enjoying all the grandchildren they have given us, which is very special and the best part, they go home with Mom and Dad ...

We had them young and close together and they are all very close, all having children close, so cousins get to know and grow together .. special.

Even with all the challenges, struggles of raising children, I would do it again. H and I often laugh with each other and think what it would be like without them, how different our lives would be, but also agree we wouldn't do it different if given another chance, that is having them.

It''s now fun watching their parenting skills and the special little ones they are raising. Sometimes you know what they say, pay back .. hahaha ...


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## Married but Happy

We both have children. We don't regret it, but would have been as happy - perhaps happier - if we hadn't. Some people love children and all that goes with it. We don't. We were good parents - we took our responsibilities very seriously. It's also known that children greatly change a relationship and add a lot of stress and lead to less marital satisfaction for most. You have to be ready for that, and have discussed in advance how to keep your relationship solid while kids are present, such as by making your relationship primary and ahead of your relationship with the children. Yes, their legitimate NEEDS come first, but otherwise the relationship must.

We had our children with our exes. They are now grown and gone, and we only had them for a few years while we were together. It's great now not having to deal with all the issues and responsibilities - though sometimes we still have to get involved, and it does create a lot of worry and stress when it is necessary.


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