# Ex is now trying to get back with me AFTER I'm in a relationship.



## bobsmith

Was with my ex for 12yrs with a LOT of bad times and separations. Finally called it quits first of the year. She quit, she left, she got in a relationship with a butch lesbian....

I ended up in a near perfect relationship only 2mo ago but it has absolutely taken off!!! In about every single way, we are perfect for each other and already making plans months in advance. 

My ex is now sending some emails, not directly saying "I want you" but how amazing I am, she still loves me, etc. Offered last night to come over and help go through the kid's clothes, work on my flower beds, etc. Basically trying to see me. 

Because I have such a strong R with my new girl, I felt I needed to tell her about this stuff but that I am in no way "on the fence" about her. 

However, I will admit I have some feeling left for my ex but mostly sexually!! I have NO idea why since my new girl will do absolutely anything and a total rockstar in bed! 

How the heck do I nicely put my ex in her place in all this? I am not vengeful and not looking to attack her. I think she sees my new R and makes her very jealous. It is jacking with my brain.


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## Healer

I understand - it's difficult because I suspect there's a bit of you that feels good about the fact your ex wants you and is jealous of your new squeeze. It's an ego boost and it's human nature. My stbxww tried to get me back for quite a while after we split, and a part of me enjoyed that, even though I would never touch her with a 10 foot pole. Now she has a BF and that's pretty much in the past, which is great, because it's easier to fully detach that way.

Just tell her honestly: "look, I'm in a really great relationship right now and I don't think it would be appropriate to see you that way, but I appreciate the offer". Tell her you've moved on.

Also, be careful. If you still have sexual feelings for your ex, she may try to play on those, and you could end up screwing up what sounds like a great relationship with your current squeeze.


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## bobsmith

As tempting as it might be, sex is all it would be for me.... I guess my morals kick in though and I think of how hurt my current squeeze would be learning about that. I am not about to let a few minutes of fun ruin a really super great relationship. If I need an outlet, my new squeeze would be more than happy to "help" me. 

Maybe that is what I have to wait for.... For my ex to get in a relationship she desires so she will leave me alone!

I am not sure if telling my new flame about her contact is a great idea but she appreciates the honesty. I guess I am having to to some soul searching outside my undies! I now have a complete connection spiritually, emotionally, physically, and sexually. It is enough to make me wonder why I would ever have ANY thoughts about my ex at all!!??


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## Jellybeans

Just tell her you are seeing someone now and don't feel it is appropriate to hang out like old times.

Isn't she seeing someone now too? Tsk, tsk.

Interesting that you still crave her eventhough the new woman will do nearly anything in bed... ah, some scars stay with us, don't they?


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## Jellybeans

bobsmith said:


> Maybe that is what I have to wait for.... For my ex to get in a relationship she desires so she will leave me alone!


That may just be what it takes for her to move on.



bobsmith said:


> I guess I am having to to some soul searching outside my undies!


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## SadSamIAm

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting that you still crave her eventhough the new woman will do nearly anything in bed... ah, some scars stay with us, don't they?


Not that interesting. Men are just horny!!!


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## bobsmith

Probably not horny enough to make that big of a mistake!

I know I have to maintain some sort of reasonable communication with my ex so I am still trying to figure that out. I am new to this so I am not sure where the line is but I think she is pushing it! 

Jellybean, yes she is supposedly in a relationship of some sort..... Obviously I have taken my R to a little different level.


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## Mo24

SadSamIAm said:


> Not that interesting. Men are just horny!!!


You need to read his other threads. There is much much more to it.


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## PBear

You need to work on the 180. You can be amicable with your ex and still maintain the necessary communication. If you don't, you'll soon have another ex to deal with. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

bobsmith said:


> I know I have to maintain some sort of reasonable communication with my ex so I am still trying to figure that out. I am new to this so I am not sure where the line is but I think she is pushing it!


You tell her that you want no communication from her that isnt about your children. PERIOD. Never take a live phone call from her, she can leave a voicemail letting you know what her issue is...otherwise she can text or email. This way you can screen out the bullsh!t.


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## bobsmith

PB, I have read up on the 180 stuff. Not sure if I am really executing all of that, just doing my own thing mostly that does NOT include my ex. That in and of itself is sort of a 180 because she was pretty used to me putting all the effort into making us work. I am over it!!!! This no longer has anything to do with improving myself to get my ex back. 

Knowing myself and for the sake of our kids, I am not about to start doing to whole cold shoulder, don't talk to me stuff. We need that communication. We have one special needs child and we need to communicate about that. 

However, my mode of resisting is simply to NOT reply or feed her leading communications. I act like they were not said. They are SUPER confusing though! Like I love you, I want you to be happy, I am happy that you found someone, the kids deserve to see a healthy happy relationship, you are amazing, yada, yada. 

I probably only let it affect me when I am at work. When I am with my new girl, it is all having less and less effect on me every day. Just not sure if sending an email reminding that I am in an R, or just ignore it all together assuming she will very soon get the point??? She is not the type that would badger or become a clinger. Actually her whole problem is she puts no effort in at all. I can't see her pushing this too much further unless she gets drunk and texts me....


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## Jellybeans

I really think you just should tell her that you are seeing someone now and are glad that you guys have a great co-parenting relationship.

That will seriously set a line firmly.

Bob, I hear you. I can relate. My exH and I have a good relationship. Probably atypical. I admit, if we are in the same room, sex is likely to happen. We slept together for a long time even after the divorce. It's like magnets. The sexual attraction has never worn off between us ever. So boundaries are a must. Especially if you are seeing someone new. 

You need to put in the effort to your new relationship.


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## Dedicated2Her

Call her and start gushing about your new relationship. Tell your ex how amazing the new girl is, and how you guys are perfect for each other.......soulmates. 

It works.....


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## bandit.45

It might be jealousy which is motivating her to tell you all that sappy stuff. 

I think she is just trying to friend zone you. See, if she can smooth things over and get you to be buddies with her, then all those things she did: blowing up your family, having an affair, switching teams... all those things will be quickly forgotten and swept under the rug. She won't have to feel guilty anymore for what she did. She won't have to hate herself anymore. She can tell all her friends how the two of you were never meant to be, but you are still friends, and everything worked out the way it should and all is well in the universe. 

All the things she is saying she is saying for herself....Not to bring you any healing or closure. You don't really matter. You are an obstacle in her life that needs to be dealt with so she can fabricate a new false image for herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907

bandit.45 said:


> It might be jealousy which is motivating her to tell you all that sappy stuff.
> 
> I think she is just trying to friend zone you. See, if she can smooth things over and get you to be buddies with her, then all those things she did: blowing up your family, having an affair, switching teams... all those things will be quickly forgotten and swept under the rug. She won't have to feel guilty anymore for what she did. She won't have to hate herself anymore. She can tell all her friends how the two of you were never meant to be, but you are still friends, and everything worked out the way it should and all is well in the universe.
> 
> All the things she is saying she is saying for herself....Not to bring you any healing or closure. You don't really matter. You are an obstacle in her life that needs to be dealt with so she can fabricate a new false image for herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really like this bandit. Thank you.


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## Fenix

bandit.45 said:


> It might be jealousy which is motivating her to tell you all that sappy stuff.
> 
> I think she is just trying to friend zone you. See, if she can smooth things over and get you to be buddies with her, then all those things she did: blowing up your family, having an affair, switching teams... all those things will be quickly forgotten and swept under the rug. She won't have to feel guilty anymore for what she did. She won't have to hate herself anymore. She can tell all her friends how the two of you were never meant to be, but you are still friends, and everything worked out the way it should and all is well in the universe.
> 
> All the things she is saying she is saying for herself....Not to bring you any healing or closure. You don't really matter. You are an obstacle in her life that needs to be dealt with so she can fabricate a new false image for herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting. I think a lot of this relates to my guy's ex. Food for thought.


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## bobsmith

I cannot be certain of the motives yet but I guess my mode of dealing with it at this point is just ignoring it unless it persists. Knowing her, it will stop soon enough. 

I am NOT about to get sucked into that delusion again!!! I have really had to dig into this stuff with my new flame. I told her about all this and though she admits that it put some concern in her head, she really does appreciate that I told her. It is sort of our policy and the way we are. We even know each other's passwords on our phones. Not that we snoop there, just being open book about things. 

I have really had to look back at all the things that were way wrong compared to what I have now. I know I could go roll in the hay with the ex but it would cost me the best women I have ever met.... Just not worth it. As I explained, I had over a decade to try and make it work, it won't!

I am perfectly content doing what I am doing but had to admit that I am still mostly just stressed and frustrated in how to navigate life now as a co-parent and losing time with my kids. I know I will have more with "someone" new but that will probably also complicate life for the kids.


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## unbelievable

I never put my hand in the same fire twice.


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## SamuraiJack

bandit.45 said:


> It might be jealousy which is motivating her to tell you all that sappy stuff.
> 
> I think she is just trying to friend zone you. See, if she can smooth things over and get you to be buddies with her, then all those things she did: blowing up your family, having an affair, switching teams... all those things will be quickly forgotten and swept under the rug. She won't have to feel guilty anymore for what she did. She won't have to hate herself anymore. She can tell all her friends how the two of you were never meant to be, but you are still friends, and everything worked out the way it should and all is well in the universe.
> 
> All the things she is saying she is saying for herself....Not to bring you any healing or closure. You don't really matter. You are an obstacle in her life that needs to be dealt with so she can fabricate a new false image for herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This entirely.
My ex tried to do the same thing. She was emailing me while in her relationship with her BF. Trying to be buddies and generally pushing boundaries.
At one point I actually threatened to send her emails to her BF and let him sort it out.

In the end, I had to place absolute boundary. I respond to nothing that isn’t about the kids and the one time she got disrespectful I made her re-write the letter.
Her motivation is to absolve herself of her past mistakes so she can rationalize her actions and make herself a better person in her own mind. She never thought that maybe I wouldn’t want to be friends after she screwed me over and now she cant stand the idea.

Oh well…I DID try to warn her…but there was cake on the table.
We all know how hard cake is to resist…


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## Jellybeans

SamuraiJack said:


> In the end, I had to place absolute boundary.


This is what it's all about.


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## bobsmith

Well, I think I sort of fed the fire by responding to an email with just some " you will get past it, ur a great person", etc. 

I think it made the problem worse.... In about every email, she says she is not trying to fix us, but..... she is. She dug up an email from months ago where I stated, "I want to make sure of your intentions because once this ship sails, it ain't coming back". 

It is taking will power for sure! However, when I think of her, I don't think of marriage and forever, I just think of bed time with her!! It sucks!!! Taking a LOT to resist that right now. I could go on and on with the thoughts in my head right now. Just a lot to get past. 

Our relationship was built on sexual chemistry. It is there and probably always will be. She knows it and would not even be surprised to see her try to take advantage of that somehow.


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## Jellybeans

bobsmith said:


> In about every email, she says she is not trying to fix us, but..... she is. She dug up an email from months ago where I stated, "I want to make sure of your intentions because once this ship sails, it ain't coming back".
> 
> It is taking will power for sure!


Hope you didn't respond. 



bobsmith said:


> However, when I think of her, I don't think of marriage and forever, I just think of bed time with her!! It sucks!!! Taking a LOT to resist that right now. I could go on and on with the thoughts in my head right now. Just a lot to get past.


Maybe you're not over her? Any contact you have with her outside of co-parenting will set you back. You know that though.



bobsmith said:


> Our relationship was built on sexual chemistry. It is there and probably always will be. She knows it and would not even be surprised to see her try to take advantage of that somehow.


She can't take advantage of it if you don't allow it...


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## 3Xnocharm

Stop talking to her. Pretty simple solution. If its not about parenting, then dont let it happen. You are acting weak, man up.


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## bobsmith

This situation just sucks! No, I have not responded because after my last supportive response, it seemed to feed the problem. 

What I would have with her is possibly a great sex life, our kids and family back together, and her likely fighting for a long time to stop being so guarded. Her family will still suck, she won't be religious, she won't be super affectionate. I have learned that you can't change people like that. 

On the other hand, I have someone that is probably more attractive, more sexually driven, our religious parts line up perfect, she is super affectionate by nature, I am ultra comfortable with her, we have very comforting deep talks about everything. 

Both are athletic, very driven, even the same profession! To be honest with myself, I sort of feel like I have a decision to make BUT I know deep down that I should not feel that way because my new flame has hit the nail on the head from the word go. SOOO accepting of my faults and imperfections. 

I do realize now that I should not have been dating while still holding feeling for my ex, but I did not pursue the new flame!!!! See came at me like a spider monkey!!! I knew deep down it was something I should NOT walk away from!! At this point, someone is going to get hurt no matter but my ex made her bed and she knows it.


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## 3Xnocharm

bobsmith said:


> This situation just sucks! No, I have not responded because after my last supportive response, it seemed to feed the problem.
> 
> What I would have with her is possibly a great sex life, our kids and family back together, and her likely fighting for a long time to stop being so guarded. Her family will still suck, she won't be religious, she won't be super affectionate. I have learned that you can't change people like that.
> 
> On the other hand, I have someone that is probably more attractive, more sexually driven, our religious parts line up perfect, she is super affectionate by nature, I am ultra comfortable with her, we have very comforting deep talks about everything.
> 
> Both are athletic, very driven, even the same profession! To be honest with myself, I sort of feel like I have a decision to make BUT I know deep down that I should not feel that way because my new flame has hit the nail on the head from the word go. SOOO accepting of my faults and imperfections.
> 
> I do realize now that I should not have been dating while still holding feeling for my ex, but I did not pursue the new flame!!!! See came at me like a spider monkey!!! I knew deep down it was something I should NOT walk away from!! At this point, someone is going to get hurt no matter but my ex made her bed and she knows it.



You have a good woman now, and your ex is your EX. As in, USED TO BE, IN THE PAST. There IS no "situation" here. There is only you, thinking with your d!ck.


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## Jellybeans

bobsmith said:


> At this point, someone is going to get hurt no matter but my ex made her bed and she knows it.


So stick to your guns. Tell her you have moved on and that'st hat. Stop engaging her beyond co-parenting.

Also, hate to sound like a REALIST but you are at the beginning of your dating relationship with someone new -- so of course everything seems magical/perfect. The blinders don't start wearing off til about a year or two in. Not saying that to be cynical but just practical. I say enjoy it and stop this mess you have with your ex...that is, if you truly want to move on with your new dating relationship.

Choice is yours.


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## bobsmith

Believe me, the constant reminders of NEW are sinking in and I am trying to be very subjective and real here. I am betting we can get in a pretty good argument about "something". She is feisty and so am I. 

However, this might sound ridiculous but makes sense to me, but my new flame has a different mind set and upbringing to lock into a relationship and never give up, which is how I am. We have discussed how hard this will get, both with broken home children. 

I think we are both trying to look well past the "honeymoon" phase and figure out what this is! I will admit, I get some doubt in my head....probably because that is how I am. Maybe some others are like that? You get with someone and then wonder if they are really the right or best person for you?

Maybe that is a sick mind game I play on myself. Fight hard to win someone, then after I win, wonder if it is right at rain....

I think I have had too much coffee today....


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## PBear

Arent you forgetting the fact that your ex is a lesbian (or bisexual) and started a relationship with a woman while still in a relationship with you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith

You got it!! With the ex, I have to weigh the pros and cons. That right there is a BIG one!!! Such a layer of weirdness, I would be looked down on from family for sure! And I am not so sure I could ever get past that. 

With the new flame, I am trying to think outside the kiddo thing. There IS life beyond and outside kids!! What happens when they are grown and there is no real reason to stay?? 

I think the ONLY reason for my micro thoughts of my ex is purely the family togetherness and familiarity but I know I can build that again. My new flame has a huge desire to make me happy whether that is in bed or otherwise. Not a clingy, needy thing, just a natural desire to make her man happy. To be honest, I should not even consider this a choice really. Brain is just not calm with things yet.


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## Rowan

bobsmith said:


> Believe me, the constant reminders of NEW are sinking in and I am trying to be very subjective and real here. I am betting we can get in a pretty good argument about "something". She is feisty and so am I.
> 
> However, this might sound ridiculous but makes sense to me, but my new flame has a different mind set and upbringing to lock into a relationship and never give up, which is how I am. We have discussed how hard this will get, both with broken home children.
> 
> I think we are both trying to look well past the "honeymoon" phase and figure out what this is! I will admit, I get some doubt in my head....probably because that is how I am. Maybe some others are like that? *You get with someone and then wonder if they are really the right or best person for you?*
> Maybe that is a sick mind game I play on myself. *Fight hard to win someone, then after I win, wonder if it is right at rain....*
> 
> I think I have had too much coffee today....


I think you have a short memory and a tiny, tiny, attention span. 

You and your ex-wife are presumably divorced for a reason. 

Fighting to be with someone and once you have them, instantly beginning to wonder if there's someone better is not an emotionally healthy way to be.


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## WorkingOnMe

You're being very naive. Here's how this is going to play out: you are going to dump the new girl and as soon as you're available your ex is going to lose interest and go back to chasing skirts. Then you'll be all alone sulking because you threw away the better choice. 

And you'll have only yourself to blame. You seem very short sighted.


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## bobsmith

Rowan, I agree!!! Something I am just being honest about here!

Here is the deal, as honest as I can put it, I have been out of the game for a long time. I still remember that tingly feeling I got when I was young. I don't get that tingly feeling yet. It might be that I am older, more mature in my feelings, and don't handle things like a child anymore. I certainly don't engage my new flame halfassed. I know that for me, I am usually nervous around new people. With her, I am VERY comfortable and it is a feeling I am not familiar with. 

I was used to comments from my ex that my shoes were not right, my hair was not right, I did not stand right, etc. Things that sort of made me self conscious about who I am as a person! I mentioned my shoes the other day with my new flame and she said, "you wear what is comfortable to you, I am good with it". 

I guess I keep wondering where the tingly feeling is???? However, it might be that super comfortable and confident is the righter feeling to have??? I mean hair, clothes, shoes, it just does not matter to her. She sees ME. I am the same way with her though. sweaty workout clothes, bad hair day, just does not matter. 

She said she made the decision after her last R to be 100% herself from the start and if someone does not like it, it was not meant to be. I only wish to be as confident in myself as she is!!!


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## movealong

Sounds to me like reading the book "Codependent No More" might be a good idea for you, bob.


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## Dedicated2Her

> See came at me like a spider monkey!!! I knew deep down it was something I should NOT walk away from!!



And she is perfectly aligned with everything? Yep, red flag central whether you choose to see it or not. Screams of manipulation. In regards to your ex........get some boundries. You are right, someone is going to get hurt. YOU, long term.


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## clipclop2

I'm afraid that you are looking at your new girlfriend in practical terms but she really doesn't float your boat. Because if she did you would not be struggling this hard . if you had met her later after you have been away from your wife for longer that might not be the case but I'm afraid that you've tainted e pool. 

you told your girlfriend about what your wife is up to. Have you told her how much you struggle with wanting to sleep with your wife still? because if she understood the death of your struggle I think she would be more than concerned. and truthfully I think she's foolish to be in a relationship with you. 

I suspect that you will not ultimately want to marry her and it won't have anything to do with her. there will always be that part of you that is pulled toward your ex wife coming between you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

> and truthfully I think she's foolish to be in a relationship with you.


She has her own issues, obviously.


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## Jellybeans

bobsmith said:


> Here is the deal, as honest as I can put it, I have been out of the game for a long time. I still remember that tingly feeling I got when I was young. I don't get that tingly feeling yet. It might be that I am older, more mature in my feelings, and don't handle things like a child anymore. With her, I am VERY comfortable and it is a feeling I am not familiar with.
> 
> I guess I keep wondering where the tingly feeling is????


I don't know exactly what you mean by the "tingly" feeling. Do you mean sexual attraction? Do you mean chemistry? Do you mean a desire to be with her, only her? Please elaborate. 

I think it's important to feel comfortable with your partner and to also have a tingly feeling. For me the tingly feeling is chemistry (outside of the platonic). It's what sets that particular relationship apart from others in your life. For instance, I have many friends but my romantic relationships have a different layer to them. 



clipclop2 said:


> I'm afraid that you are looking at your new girlfriend in practical terms but she really doesn't float your boat. Because if she did you would not be struggling this hard .
> 
> there will always be that part of you that is pulled toward your ex wife coming between you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I said it before in this thread, but maybe bobsmith isn't over his wife.

He was only separated/called it quits 6 months before he met the new lady "spider monkey." That is not a long time at all. I know six months out from my separation I was nowhere NEAR ready to date. I met a guy who really wanted something with me...something legit, like a relationship and I simply could not give him that/go there with him. I wasn't even ready to think about the idea of another man or dating or romance.


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## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> I said it before in this thread, but maybe bobsmith isn't over his wife.


Well, if he weakens and starts having sex with her again, he never will be, and will be stuck in the same downward spiral over and over and over again. Sex is not worth it.


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## bobsmith

Jellybeans said:


> I don't know exactly what you mean by the "tingly" feeling. Do you mean sexual attraction? Do you mean chemistry? Do you mean a desire to be with her, only her? Please elaborate.
> 
> I think it's important to feel comfortable with your partner and to also have a tingly feeling. For me the tingly feeling is chemistry (outside of the platonic). It's what sets that particular relationship apart from others in your life. For instance, I have many friends but my romantic relationships have a different layer to them.


This gets kind of hard to explain. I think I am just overwhelmed by everything going on right now. Learning how to coparent with the kids, learn a new relationship again, dealing with my ex's recent outcries, etc. 

I do have a strong desire to be around my new girl, there is certainly sexual chem., we cannot keep our hands off each other, we communicate well, we are very comfortable around each other, I love being around her family and their kids, etc. Just nothing but good stuff. I will admit, she is not large chested and is something that gets me going but that seems rather shallow! 

I am trying to figure out why I have some of this "delayed ejac" I guess they call it. I have zero problem rising to the occasion and we seems to go on for hours. 

I sort of wonder if this is what people are warning me about....I am not ready to feel again... I am NOT going to bail on my new girl and going to see where this goes. However, I am just processing some "numb" feelings right now. 

I will say with every confidence that when I met my new girl something changed in me. I was not focused on sex, I was focused on getting to know her. She seems to want sex more than me at times and I sort of feel like that extra drive she has makes the "chase" less fun for me. I don't have to work to put her "in the mood". A few touches and we are in the bedroom. 

I will explain a few things that are hugely different with my new girl. She is affectionate and not in a clingy way. She desires to hold my hand, touch me, kiss me, hug me, etc. These are actually all things my ex did NOT do! I feel even if my ex tried to do these things, they would not be natural. My new girl is comfortable with herself, walks around in undies or naked, even peeing with the door open, no biggy! I love the level of comfort here!

Things my ex did WAY wrong - took off our engagement ring without even a word! Asked me to get a vasectomy after our last child without a discussion and when I hesitated, she got herself fixed. Made the decision to move out and leased a place without even telling me. I had to find the lease agreement. 

No mistake about it, my ex screwed me over royally and I honestly think to myself if I took her back in, what would my family and friends say to me.... I have a good family network and I suspect my family would NOT support it at ALL! My mom flat out told her one day, "you guys are not right for each other". 

There is obvious sexual chem there but I honestly think that is where it ends with me! I liked to way she was loving with our children, did holidays right, cooked, cleaned, etc. BUT, she did not take care of my needs. Even in bed, I started to feel it was all about her. She never even asked what I wanted, desired, etc. 

My new flame puts me on the spot immediately with "how can I make you happy right now??" There is also a mutual respect and lock between us. I apologized for my ex's BS and dragging her through it. She said, "your drama is my drama, we will work through it". I never even asked about her phone, she just gave me the code like no biggy, nothing to hide! We are VERY open. We seem to move right into deep subjects while she is painting her nails, and we can move right back out and have fun. We were also raised in the same church and have the same values on life, God, family, etc. 

SOOO - there is no doubt there are a LOT of things WAY right about my current R. Nothing but good but I guess true to form in my brain, when I lock in with someone, I start thinking, "is this the best person for me or is there someone even better?" I know, I know, that is NOT a healthy way to navigate. I am just being honest here!

UPDATE: I should add that yesterday, I did send my ex an email telling her that her approaches were no longer appropriate and we need to focus on coparenting. I got a sort of apology reply followed later with a sort of plea. I am not going to engage that stuff. She seems to want to chat about it. I don't. I just want to move forward.


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## Jellybeans

bobsmith said:


> She seems to want sex more than me at times and I sort of feel like that extra drive she has makes the "chase" less fun for me. I don't have to work to put her "in the mood". A few touches and we are in the bedroom.


... Oy...a lot of men would kill to be in that position... (and women)...



bobsmith said:


> I sort of wonder if this is what people are warning me about....I am not ready to feel again...
> 
> Nothing but good but I guess true to form in my brain, when I lock in with someone, I start thinking, "is this the best person for me or is there someone even better?" I know, I know, that is NOT a healthy way to navigate. I am just being honest here!


To me it sounds like you're not ready for a serious relationship. You are still comparing new girl to ex wife and it just seems you haven't processed everything enough to move on mentally/emotionally.


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## bobsmith

Jelly, that might well be!!! However, I cannot deny that I have found someone that is a very good match for me!! I want to work through this stuff with her and grow. It is probably NOT ideal or even recommended but I can say with a lot of confidence, I have met a LOT of women over the years and this deal is different. I know cutting her loose would kill me, kill us, and I would forever regret it!


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> . I know cutting her loose would kill me, kill us, and I would forever regret it!


See, thoughts like this show the rawness of your divorce. It wouldn't kill you. You wouldn't forever regret it. That's nonsense codependent BS. Your emotions are clouding your judgement, and THAT is what is going to "kill" you over time....with or without new girl.


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## SamuraiJack

Well Bob…there two things you can do to maximize your chances in this relationship.
First you MUST keep the boundaries up with your wife.
This will send a clear message to each gal where you allegiance belongs.
It will reinforce your commitment to your GF, keep the drama to an absolute minimum and give you the highest possible separation from your ex.

The second is you have to be honest about things and make sure your lady knows exactly where you stand. Faking it until you make it will blow up in your face here.
Just be honest. If you are, then that minimizes the chances of her being hurt.
It will also help you become better with your feeling and instincts.

Yes, you may be in it too early, but you are already IN it.
There is no going back, but you have the advantage of understanding that you may have entered too early. 
Most people don’t have a clue. 
(Then again, most people go through life on auto pilot…)
If you know something can affect you, then you can be on guard for it.
So now it’s up to you to make sure that you are honest and above all try to make sure that the residuals don’t affect her.

It SOUNDS like there may be something good there, but you entered a little early and now you will have to shoulder a little more work to see if it develops.

The tingling you refer to is actually chemicals pretending to be feelings. They are part of an autonomous subroutine left over in the base of your brain. It’s used to trigger a mating reflex when a mate with suitable genetics is discovered. The fact that you aren’t feeling it may be a sign that you are using higher brain functions to decide to be with someone.
That’s a good thing to an extent.

Right now your main goal should be to make it through the honeymoon period so you can see clearly what you have gotten into and if it’s worth continuing.
If you have been honest, it will hurt her, but not as much as if you suddenly decided to leave.

Remember, honesty will protect her long term interests.

In my house, this would be referred to as “The Universe giving you a bonus challenge.”…“Hitting a multiplier”.
If you succeed, the payout will be pretty sweet.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

I know the temptation.

I was with a girl for 4 years who left me for someone else. I was a good NC for 6 months and found someone better during that time.

Of course the ex contacts me and wants to go out. My current relationship was still pretty new so I could have gone one way or another.

The temptation was motivated by me wanting to do things different time (I wasn't the best bf) and she was attractive. 

However.

There was still underlying issues that would still be there and philosophy was "always move forward". We broke up for a reason. Plus my new girl was a better all the way around and I couldn't put her through that. I ended up marrying the new girl a year later.

I made the right choice, I believe you would hate yourself if you went back to the well again.


----------



## Jellybeans

And now I am curious... do a lot of men feel this way?



bobsmith said:


> She seems to want sex more than me at times and I sort of feel like that extra drive she has makes the "chase" less fun for me. I don't have to work to put her "in the mood". A few touches and we are in the bedroom.


Do they not want someone who initiates or wants to as much as they do (or more)?


----------



## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> And now I am curious... do a lot of men feel this way?
> 
> 
> 
> Do they not want someone who initiates or wants to as much as they do (or more)?


I love women who initiate...as often as I can..


----------



## bobsmith

JB, it could well be that I am just not used to this at all after a decade of something different!! I am NOT saying I want to work for an hour to get someone in the mood. Guess to some extent, some should be asking, "and your problem again is what????" lol

She is very in shape, very firm body, and VERY strong!!! Hand strength that can hurt a man. Think gymnast build. She is aggressive but not overly. Just getting use to it. The ex was pretty passive up until she was all charged up, then she would beat me up trying to take care of herself.


----------



## movealong

Jellybeans said:


> And now I am curious... do a lot of men feel this way?
> 
> 
> 
> Do they not want someone who initiates or wants to as much as they do (or more)?


I want someone that wants it and initiates it as much as I do. Forget the chase. If we've already been having sex the chase is over and the post race festivities should be going on in the barn celebrating the chase being over!


----------



## SamuraiJack

movealong said:


> I want someone that wants it and initiates it as much as I do. Forget the chase. If we've already been having sex the chase is over and the post race festivities should be going on in the barn celebrating the chase being over!


"Just say Neigh!!!"
:smthumbup:


----------



## clipclop2

Delayed ejaculation could be a lot of things. I'm near an expert on the subject. 

But as a woman, be warned that being able to go on for hours loses its charm and can cut deeply into a gal's self-esteem. You gotta fix this one.

PM me if you want to talk about it. Ive read darn near every scholarly article as well as done a ton of talking to guys with the issue. If you didn't always have this you can probably knock it out by reframing some thinking.


----------



## Jellybeans

clipclop2 said:


> Delayed ejaculation could be a lot of things. I'm near an expert on the subject.
> 
> But as a woman, be warned that being able to go on for hours loses its charm and can cut deeply into a gal's self-esteem.


:iagree:


----------



## bobsmith

OK, well let me ask this from the ladies, it seems to be pretty well documented in my DNA that when I drink, it is harder to orgasm, sometimes just ain't happening. Just being honest, not going to stop drinking over it. 

The other night we went at it for 1hr and she came probably 5x, I did not. We were both drinking and having fun that night. In the morning we had sex and I came in 5min. 

We have discussed my issue here and I admitted that drinking will jack with me. I also do think stress and some other factors are at work here.


----------



## clipclop2

You know not to drink. But question, how many beers are you drinking?


----------



## bobsmith

I would estimate 6-8 beers in the evening. We both have a lot of stress so our pattern seems to be to get kids to sleep, then hang out or hit the porch for chat and drinking. We end up staying up too late as well. I actually fell alseep on top of her one night....lol She did too, was just funny. 

We are both athletic and run so we recognize our issue here but things are still new and just having fun with it. I am hoping the fact that morning sex is MUCH easier for me to climax would mean sleep and drinking should help. Just a bumpy start and one I did not expect.


----------



## Rowan

6-8 beers every day?


----------



## bobsmith

no but maybe 3-4x/week. have to taper that down I guess...


----------



## Mo24

well, at least you havent married the new girl yet....I was pretty sure based on some of your other threads you would be engaged by now.


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## clipclop2

Yeah, cut down.

You aren't going to get to truly know one another if you are high while you are together.

Maybe think about why so much beer when she is around...

I'm concerned for you a bit. Get your head straight as much as possible. 

If she is solid she has to be concerned about your ex and your drinking and the sex. You won't know how she *really* is until she feels secure.


----------



## bobsmith

Well she called her sister crying in excitement over our relationship the other day. I don't think we have much issue, just a few things to work on. 

As far as the drinking, it probably sounds worse than it is. We are both similar in how we were raised. Beer is just normal. We actually don't even realize the time or beer qty until going to bed. We have spent plenty of time sober though. All day Sunday, church and kids fun day on bike paths. Not a drop all day! We just seem to unwind at night with a little booze I guess. I usually drink 2-3/day normally. Always have. She drinks wine or beer. 

I do realize that for non-drinkers, we probably look like drunks. Maybe we are, who knows. Always jokes about catholics and their drinking....


----------



## bobsmith

Mo24, you gotta calm down. As I said, my relationship is very good right now but I am not one to go jumping in too early. We work extremely well together and yes, we are making plan for the holidays already but that does not mean marriage. We both recognize that we are new, we have not fought about anything yet, and throwing all our kids in her house all weekend was a really good test to see how things would go. As expected, no issue whatsoever.


----------



## clipclop2

I don't think you're an alcoholic or anything. it's just that I know at the beginning of a relationship things can set a bad tone and perhaps the beer isn't really a good tone for you. Because it is having a negative effect on your relationship. 

Food for thought.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> I would estimate 6-8 beers in the evening. We both have a lot of stress so our pattern seems to be to get kids to sleep, then hang out or hit the porch for chat and drinking. We end up staying up too late as well. I actually fell alseep on top of her one night....lol She did too, was just funny.
> 
> We are both athletic and run so we recognize our issue here but things are still new and just having fun with it. I am hoping the fact that morning sex is MUCH easier for me to climax would mean sleep and drinking should help. Just a bumpy start and one I did not expect.


Wait, so you guys are spending the night with children in the home......in a now 2 month relationship? 

What a mess.


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## bobsmith

Dedicated2Her said:


> Wait, so you guys are spending the night with children in the home......in a now 2 month relationship?
> 
> What a mess.


First night was last Saturday for sleep over and she finally met my oldest last Friday. Kids really liked the situation. I would never force it on them. Lots of other family children around so it is pretty easy. 

I am being cautious with their feelings and don't feel I am doing anything irresponsible here. It is important for everyone to meet and see how we interact together.

Should I wait a year or two to see how things go first?


----------



## PBear

Wait a year or two before what?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her

I don't think there is a specific timeline, but I would be seeking guidance from a well respected family therapist. Your kids mom went lesbian and then their dad quickly intro'd a woman and she immediately started sleeping in their home. That's a LOT.


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## bobsmith

I agree with your perspective. However, I think we did this pretty well with kiddos considered. We spent the night at her home so it felt more like a vaca. Popcorn, movies, kids, everything to help them feel comfortable. We visited Fri and I did not have to ask, my oldest asked when we could go back because he had fun. So we did a little more Saturday and then went on a biking tour on Sunday. Made a pretty fun weekend out of it. I don't think the kids felt too odd with it. 

New woman around? YES! Can I help it" NO. It is what it is. I think the family and togetherness that my GF and I bring naturally helps aid the encounter IMO. 

We are being careful with how we handle this.

I guess I forgot about my oldest asking my GF, "do you think you could move in with us sometime soon?". LOL. We just had to laugh. I think my oldest values family more than I know. He talks a lot about it. I have no doubt that a solid, comfortable, loving home will make them both happy regardless if mom is gone.


----------



## unsure78

Dedicated2Her said:


> bobsmith said:
> 
> 
> 
> I would estimate 6-8 beers in the evening. We both have a lot of stress so our pattern seems to be to get kids to sleep, then hang out or hit the porch for chat and drinking. We end up staying up too late as well. I actually fell alseep on top of her one night....lol She did too, was just funny.
> 
> We are both athletic and run so we recognize our issue here but things are still new and just having fun with it. I am hoping the fact that morning sex is MUCH easier for me to climax would mean sleep and drinking should help. Just a bumpy start and one I did not expect.
> 
> 
> 
> Wait, so you guys are spending the night with children in the home......in a now 2 month relationship?
> 
> What a mess.
Click to expand...


Actually I think they just hit a month...wasn't it like second to last week in aug they started dating. ...


----------



## bravenewworld

clipclop2 said:


> I don't think you're an alcoholic or anything. it's just that I know at the beginning of a relationship things can set a bad tone and perhaps the beer isn't really a good tone for you. Because it is having a negative effect on your relationship.
> 
> Food for thought.


I love beer and work at a bar but I think 6-8 beers in one sitting 3-4x a week is definitely an overindulgence - especially considering the setting/circumstances. Weekend camping trip with the bros? Sure. Night at home with young children? Meh. Personally, I wouldn't go there. 

Bobsmith, I was raised Catholic but no longer identify as such, and I find it very odd as a practicing Catholic you are having overnight sleepovers with someone you are not married with or engaged to, and haven't dated beyond a month or two? Doesn't this go STRONGLY against the values you review at mass on Sunday?

Also, outside of religion, I think this is very confusing for a child. And frankly, unnecessary.


----------



## bobsmith

probably really 2-3x/week but yes, we have identified we are getting a little carried away! Just to help save face, that is 6-8 within about 5 hrs. We don't get stumbling drunk. Probably one of the reasons I dig her though... When I am done working, there will be a beer in my hand nearly every day. Been that way for 15yrs now. I find it hilarious that people drink a glass of wine and it is "classy", but drink a beer, you are a "drunk". I drink the good stuff though. Light is for losers....lol

As far as being catholic, I agree, actions not consistent with the faith which is why I consider myself a loosely following catholic. There are just certain things about the faith I do not agree with. Entitled to my perspective. 

The small town where she lives is actually about 98% Catholic yet ALL KINDS of babies with single mommies.....lol Catholics teach abstinence, not contraception which seems to be a problem. Personally, at this stage in the game (age), I am not about to follow tightly and get married, then find out the sex ain't gunna work. Ain't supposed to get divorced either BUT Catholics are no different than anyone else...Divorce happens.


----------



## IcePrincess28

bravenewworld said:


> I love beer and work at a bar but I think 6-8 beers in one sitting 3-4x a week is definitely an overindulgence - especially considering the setting/circumstances. Weekend camping trip with the bros? Sure. Night at home with young children? Meh. Personally, I wouldn't go there.
> 
> 
> 
> Bobsmith, I was raised Catholic but no longer identify as such, and I find it very odd as a practicing Catholic you are having overnight sleepovers with someone you are not married with or engaged to, and haven't dated beyond a month or two? Doesn't this go STRONGLY against the values you review at mass on Sunday?
> 
> 
> 
> Also, outside of religion, I think this is very confusing for a child. And frankly, unnecessary.



I agree with all your points except the ones regarding Catholicism. Times have changed. Although the priest would preach against sex before marriage and living together before marriage- look at the times we live in? OP can be a practicing catholic but not practice the fundamentals. Divorce is also against our religion as well. 

I was raised catholic. Took all my sacraments up to holy matrimony. This is not a "follow the rules of our club or else you're out" type of deal. Most branches (or all I would think) of Christianity are such. 

Bugs me when Christians are called hypocrites (not saying you were doing that) when they don't live what guidelines are preached to them. As long as THEY aren't out judging others- I have no problem with it.

p.s. - edit add on- OP that is ALOT of drinking! Anything that happens to the kids during your inebriation- would be deemed an act of negligence by Children's Division (child protective services). 

According to CD (children's division) - there are two types of child abuse- Abuse and Negligence. If the kids snuck off and did something that was entirely not in your fault- and something that you would not have caught even if you guys were entirely sober- it would be a completely different story now. Lets say they have an accident and you go with them to the hospital smelling of alcohol- you will get reported for negligence. Thats just the way the state works.


----------



## bravenewworld

IcePrincess28 said:


> I agree with all your points except the ones regarding Catholicism. Times have changed. Although the priest would preach against sex before marriage and living together before marriage- look at the times we live in? OP can be a practicing catholic but not practice the fundamentals. Divorce is also against our religion as well.
> 
> I was raised catholic. Took all my sacraments up to holy matrimony. This is not a "follow the rules of our club or else you're out" type of deal. Most branches (or all I would think) of Christianity are such.
> 
> Bugs me when Christians are called hypocrites (not saying you were doing that) when they don't live what guidelines are preached to them. As long as THEY aren't out judging others- I have no problem with it.


I agree with what you are saying. I was just confused because I feel like even the more liberal of my Catholic friends/family would have a huge problem with the overnight sleepovers in front of young children within a month or two after meeting. 

I don't think bobsmith is being a hypocrite or anything like that, but I do think if he spoke to a priest he would receive counsel that runs contrary to some of the decisions he's made.


----------



## clipclop2

Look, I have to agree that sleepovers with the kids are not appropriate right now.

You are still in love with their mom.

It is in part BECAUSE they are happy with it that you should be extremely cautious. 

I think you might want to reexamine how fast you're moving with sis and the amount you're drinking. 


it's fine if you want to have fun I play around but if you consider that this is a serious relationship you are going about it and is very juvenile fashion. 

you are a grown up and you have children and responsibilities. You don't know where your emotions are at right now. You're having fun having sex and drinking. That's fine. You need to blow off some steam. But get your priorities in order and remember that there are boundaries that you need to maintain in order to raise a healthy family as well as to be healthy yourself.

try not to confuse the newness of this relationship and the fun that you're having with an ongoing stable relationship with someone that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with .


I'm surprised that she has the same lacs boundries and perhaps that ought to be a red flag to you that as a mother she is not protecting her children as well as she ought.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

To be clear....I'm all about drinking and sex after divorce. My gf and I were going crazy having fun for about 3-4 months when we first met. It's just the kids involvement that is a shocker. Too soon. The emotional scars that you are helping to create in them possibly won't show up for years.


----------



## IcePrincess28

bravenewworld said:


> I agree with what you are saying. I was just confused because I feel like even the more liberal of my Catholic friends/family would have a huge problem with the overnight sleepovers in front of young children within a month or two after meeting.
> 
> I don't think bobsmith is being a hypocrite or anything like that, but I do think if he spoke to a priest he would receive counsel that runs contrary to some of the decisions he's made.


You and me both!  And no- I was not saying you were implying that OP is a hypocrite- I was just going off on a tangent. 

And regardless of any religious affiliation- 1-2 months is WAY too soon for most-. IMO teaches the kids to 1) Question dad's love for mom- bc of how soon this woman came into their lives 2) teaches them dating behavior. 

My BF met my kids about 2 months after we started dating. First overnight was around 9 months in. But thats what worked for us. I understand everyone's case is unique. But there's also a general consensus that OP's timeline is a little hurried.


----------



## Jellybeans

bobsmith said:


> Should I wait a year or two to see how things go first?


Sloooooooooooooooooooooow down.

You have been dating her for two months only. And dealing with a super-still-active attraction to your ex-wife. 

What is the rush?


----------



## bobsmith

OK, I realize anything I say will be contorted or misread but I will try to explain a bit. 6-8 beers over the course of a long evening does NOT mean I am even that drunk! Your BAC is what would be important in any court of law. .08% is considered impaired for driving. My body can metabolize 1 beer/hr. Over the course of 5hrs, I might hit .08-.10%. I know for non-drinkers ANY amount is considered negligent so this is probably a no win situation. 

My kids sleep like a rock, we check on them regular, we have a baby video monitor in hand at all times. This seems like a painted picture of crash the kids out and go get hammered...NOT the case IMO. 

Regarding our relationship, I realize EVERYONE is really hung up on time in relation to weeks/months, etc. We talked about this last night why we click so well. I see her a LOT. Lots of "hours" together. Fri night-Sun eve. We get to know each other drinking, sober, sleeping, mornings, at family events, church, weddings, you name it. A LOT has has happened in a short amount of "days". 

The kids were brought into play because we both know we are in this deal and making plans for the holidays. We will be together through the end of the year for sure. My oldest was "asking" when he can meet her, and I felt it was time to see how that felt because it is one thing for me and the GF to get along, but another to get along as a family. 

Family is what is important to both of us. How we were raised and what our core values are. She goes to church on Sun, so do I. Would just seem odd to go "separately" when we can go as a family unit. 

Yes, I realize what has been advised here but that is WHY I sought therapy with our family therapist to discuss these issues and I am reminded that there is NOT a golden rule on this stuff to follow. Shielding my kids from this seems more like hiding her. I am proud of our relationship. Not because she is hot or we have great sex, but because we function super well together. We read each other well. 

We are both trying to figure out why time does not seem to fit but it is what it is! We feel as though we have known each other for years. It just "fits". It would not surprise me a bit to see the honeymoon phase rub off quick and get down to core of this deal. We both want that. I don't want to be blinded and I openly invite family input for guidance. 

She has told me flat out that no one has EVER been allowed to be around her child, sleep in her home, etc, without some really really good sense of good. Her family knows this. 

On another point, if we worked on a policy of see each other when kids are not around, I would NEVER see her! She has her child 98% of the time and I have mine 50% of the time. I told myself I would NOT allow my kids around someone that was not a really solid situation. Is there a possibility of it not working out? YEP! But hiding my kids for 6mo or more seems ridiculous. This is not a flavor of the month for me.


----------



## clipclop2

Your logistics are no different than any other second marriage where both parties have kids situation. 

and regardless what you want to say about how much you drinking you said that it impacts your sexual ability to orgasm. Well what does that tell you? you can't use it as an excuse and say that you're not willing to give up one of the causes. because if you're absolutely not willing to give it off to make things better in that respect maybe you do have a problem. 

I know you're feeling ganged up on but you're acting like a kid who is told he is not allowed to do what they want rather than act as a responsible adult. 

when I told you privately that it's okay to be a bit selfish I didn't mean in every aspect of your life.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You know, I think everyone needs to back off of bob a little bit here. This is HIS relationship, he can handle it however he sees fit. Has everyone forgotten what it feels like to be in new love?? Its OKAY for us to caution him, its NOT okay for us to preach at him. Is this going fast? Probably. But, if things dont work out, then he has to lick his wounds, and he learns from it, then the next time he finds himself in something new, he can take those lessons into it. 

I have to say that this thread has made me think that if I can ever manage to find a new REAL relationship, that I will probably not share very much of it here. I cannot believe how harsh everyone has been, when one of us has been lucky enough to find some love and some happy.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

bobsmith said:


> OK, I realize anything I say will be contorted or misread but I will try to explain a bit. 6-8 beers over the course of a long evening does NOT mean I am even that drunk! Your BAC is what would be important in any court of law. .08% is considered impaired for driving. My body can metabolize 1 beer/hr. Over the course of 5hrs, I might hit .08-.10%. I know for non-drinkers ANY amount is considered negligent so this is probably a no win situation.
> 
> My kids sleep like a rock, we check on them regular, we have a baby video monitor in hand at all times. This seems like a painted picture of crash the kids out and go get hammered...NOT the case IMO.
> 
> Regarding our relationship, I realize EVERYONE is really hung up on time in relation to weeks/months, etc. We talked about this last night why we click so well. I see her a LOT. Lots of "hours" together. Fri night-Sun eve. We get to know each other drinking, sober, sleeping, mornings, at family events, church, weddings, you name it. A LOT has has happened in a short amount of "days".
> 
> The kids were brought into play because we both know we are in this deal and making plans for the holidays. We will be together through the end of the year for sure. My oldest was "asking" when he can meet her, and I felt it was time to see how that felt because it is one thing for me and the GF to get along, but another to get along as a family.
> 
> Family is what is important to both of us. How we were raised and what our core values are. She goes to church on Sun, so do I. *Would just seem odd to go "separately" when we can go as a family unit. *
> 
> Yes, I realize what has been advised here but that is WHY I sought therapy with our family therapist to discuss these issues and I am reminded that there is NOT a golden rule on this stuff to follow. Shielding my kids from this seems more like hiding her. I am proud of our relationship. Not because she is hot or we have great sex, but because we function super well together. We read each other well.


Bob, it just doesn't make sense. You aren't acting like a betrayed spouse. Typically, the betrayed spouse is extremely protective of the children....overly protective. In fact, the words you are using to talk about things and describe things sound like a wayward. I deal with many situations, and if I was just reading your stuff without knowing any backstory, I would absolutely say you were the wayward spouse. The only way a betrayed acts the way you are is.............RESENTMENT.....a *ton* of it.

Fact is, you aren't a "family unit" because you aren't a family. You may one day be, but that day is not today. Granted, I'm very conservative with my children because I know the damage emotionally they go through. I've watched my children act like everything was great with their mom while she did her crazy romance "soulmate" thing, and they would come to me and BREAK DOWN. THANK GOD I had a relationship with them that was open enough that they felt comfortable in telling me things. Kids, specifically younger children, WANT their parents to be happy. They feel GUILTY if they are the reason you are kept from doing what they perceive to make you unhappy....(that is until teenagers, but that it different altogether)

Not trying to jump your case, but this is my observations from a non emotional attachment point of view. Family/friends are all emotionally invested. What I know about these things, you and your children are at high risk of severe emotional trauma down the road.


----------



## IcePrincess28

I agree 3X- minus the issue that there are still underlying feelings of attraction from OP towards his ex. All while he's with this woman that he regards as wonderful.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

3Xnocharm said:


> You know, I think everyone needs to back off of bob a little bit here. This is HIS relationship, he can handle it however he sees fit. Has everyone forgotten what it feels like to be in new love?? Its OKAY for us to caution him, its NOT okay for us to preach at him. Is this going fast? Probably. But, if things dont work out, then he has to lick his wounds, and he learns from it, then the next time he finds himself in something new, he can take those lessons into it.
> 
> I have to say that this thread has made me think that if I can ever manage to find a new REAL relationship, that I will probably not share very much of it here. I cannot believe how harsh everyone has been, when one of us has been lucky enough to find some love and some happy.


He is here looking for help or else he wouldn't be here. He has a problem......he still loves his x wife, but he is starting a "family" with another women. I don't have an issue with him dating. In fact, he needs to. AND, it's great that he found that connection. He just needs to be dang sure she isn't a psycho before bringing the kids in, and 1-2 months isn't enough time to tell. Anyone can "play the part" for that amount of time.

Drink away, bob. I do it on weekends I have the kids. 6 beers is not a big deal if you are staying at home.


----------



## bobsmith

I appreciate the replies. I do realize that my seemingly endless brainstorming here are probably a bit contradicting. Things I am working through. 

I do like reading different perspectives. I feel I am trying to best I know how to involve my children yet protect them. Regardless, at some point they will have to witness me kissing someone other than their mother BUT they have already been exposed to that with my ex kissing another woman! And very early in their relationship which has seemed to have ended now, which I knew would happen. 

I would ask for some opinions on how I "should" handle the children in this situation? 

As far as attraction to my ex, yes, I do admit that openly because I am trying to be honest with myself. However, attraction is one thing, making the rest of it work is another. We don't get along well enough in the house together to make it work!!! I am trying to look well beyond that right now. Hell, I have admitted here that I still have feeling for my ex from high school!! That did not seem to be received well here. I just seem to carry feeling through life. I have to accept it. 

My new relationship is very good and it is obvious that it is hard for others to grasp because it is "new". But I have to realize that others probably don't fully grasp how deep we go in discussion. Our goals are the same....Find the "right" person for a forever commitment, not date to have someone to hang out with. We build a great bond as friends for a month before it ever became romantic. 

I know it seems odd but we have both examined this the best we can and feel we have a lot of hope for a lot of right reasons. Just have to try and see where it goes.


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## bobsmith

I should also mention again that this is NOT some girl I just met and learning about her so to speak. Our friends and family have known each other for decades!! I just did not get to meet her BUT I have received an ear full from about everyone around. One of my best friends has known her for 20yrs. I do some work with her dad, good friends with her brother, etc. I have directly discussed things with her brother on the matter. I feel I have done what I can to learn about her from others.


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## Mo24

bobsmith said:


> Mo24, you gotta calm down. As I said, my relationship is very good right now but I am not one to go jumping in too early. We work extremely well together and yes, we are making plan for the holidays already but that does not mean marriage. We both recognize that we are new, we have not fought about anything yet, and throwing all our kids in her house all weekend was a really good test to see how things would go. As expected, no issue whatsoever.


Im perfectly calm. I do know that you have started several threads about this rebound relationship and that you, not I, brought up marriage in one of your first posts.


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## clipclop2

What your irresponsible ex did should never support your behaviour. You know that.

Kids - they stay at home in their own beds. 

Depth of discussion is great. But honestly, I had a very very deep emotional relationship with someone and after nearly a year I started seeing how narcisstic he was. Great guy. Active in the community. Intelligent. Hobbies. Friends. Desirous of worship.... It was easy when I worshipped him due to the honeymoon.


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## Dedicated2Her

clipclop2 said:


> Depth of discussion is great. But honestly, I had a very very deep emotional relationship with someone and after nearly a year I started seeing how narcisstic he was. Great guy. Active in the community. Intelligent. Hobbies. Friends. Desirous of worship.... It was easy when I worshipped him due to the honeymoon.



This happens all the time. Sometimes, after marriage.


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## unsure78

Dedicated2Her said:


> clipclop2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Depth of discussion is great. But honestly, I had a very very deep emotional relationship with someone and after nearly a year I started seeing how narcisstic he was. Great guy. Active in the community. Intelligent. Hobbies. Friends. Desirous of worship.... It was easy when I worshipped him due to the honeymoon.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This happens all the time. Sometimes, after marriage.
Click to expand...


People can fool you for a long while in a relationship. ..happens all the time (it happened to me), people love to tell you they are what they are not....thats why you need to stay aware and keep looking for the red flags


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## Mo24

Bob, what is going on? it has been almost 3 days. Please advise.


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## bobsmith

Nothing new to report I guess. Spent another fun weekend with the GF. Things are going well. Ex is respecting the boundary. 

Everything seems to be going really good. Still watching for problems and waiting for that little fight with the GF. Just have to see about that.


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