# Not really a surprise



## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

This is not really a surprise, but I am a married (F) I Have a 1 year old and from outside appearances life is good. I have been talking to another man (gasp) he is just a friend, but starting to have feelings for him. 

I know marriage goes up and down. Basically, I'm just trying to have someone give me a wake-up call before I even go forward with anything. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and want to abide by the oath I took. 

Our marriage has its ups and downs. He's a great dad and really does truly love me. However, we just don't have that deep connection that I believe you should have. Sex is non-existent, I do try. I did want nothing to do with him the first 6 months of our baby being born. I just didn't want another kid, hahahahaha. 

Lately I want it all the time and we do a bit more frequently than we use to. 

He sometimes refuses me. I got back in shape and lost all the baby weight plus 10-15 pounds. I stay in shape and eat right. I know I still have some mojo since guys will flirt with me when I am out and about. Usually I am oblivious to this fact. I just turned 29.

How can I spice it up? Get some sizzle back. How do I not think about this other man that I have since fallen for and crosses my mind from the moment I awaken to the minute I go to bed?

I think the husband and I could be happy, but here's another fact he is almost 15 years older than me.

Do I follow my heart and break up our marriage? 

The man I fell for is in his early 30s as me. Has the same interests and its like I'm literally talking to myself because we are so similar. Even to our life goals. 

Please help and any advise appreciated! 

I was searching and came upon this forum and it is wonderful.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

You've got to stop talking to the OM. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can just be friends. One of the reasons why you are beginning to develop feelings for him is because you are (almost certainly) sharing things -- thoughts, attention, conversations, smiles -- that you are therefore not sharing with your H. You can't work on your marriage if there are 3 people involved. Get Not Just Friends and read it. 

My first reaction to your husband's seeming indifference to you is that he was more hurt by being shut out of intimacy following the birth of your child than he is willing to admit to you (and maybe to himself). I completely understand how exhausting being a new mom is and why sex took a back burner. It's likely that your husband understands (in theory) why you needed to prioritize taking care of a helpless infant instead of being sexy. But understanding in theory, and not resenting at an unconscious level are not mutually exclusive. 

Tell you husband that you realize that you checked out during that period and thank him for being supportive. Then tell him you want to try to make your marriage even better. If he is willing to read, I'd suggest you both read His Needs, Her Needs. That might be a good way to spark conversation.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

TM,

Couleur is right on the mark here. Listen!

Your husband was rejected for so long that I can almost guarantee that he has taken a blow to his self esteem. 

Your infatuation with the other guy is that. An infatuation. You're currently living in what many here call "the fog". When you and the OM talk, there are no bills to be paid, children to be cared for or any other of the stresses that life always puts in front of you. It's just you two.

Yes, your husband is 15 years older than you. What does that have to do with your issues? I am a few years older than my wife but know I could wear her out if I got the chance (she knows it too)

You are already in an emotional affair and cheating on your husband if you don't realize it. I am willing to bet that you have shared details of your private thoughts with the OM and probably even issues regarding your marriage. Am I right?

If you truly "believe in the sanctity of marriage and want to abide by the oath I took" you need to stop talking to the OM and tell him that he can never contact you again.

Then take all this extra energy and emotion you have and pour it into your marriage. Apologize to your husband as Coluer suggested and get the two of you into marriage counseling

Do this before you destroy the lives of four people


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## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

Toffer said:


> TM,
> 
> Couleur is right on the mark here. Listen!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Stop all communications with the other man if you want things to improve. Nothing good can come from it.

MC?


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## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

Thank you everyone. No I've been good with keeping my marriage out of the occasional talking. Hubby and I go on and off with problems. Just like any marriage up and down. You are absolutely write in cutting ties before it gets worse.

There has been no sexual talk, just exchanging of ideas in how to run our businesses. Make them better and our hobbies. I just feel happier when I talk to him. However, I am a happy person. I love my child most of all and am going to try and work it out!


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

I feel for you. I'm in pretty much the same situation as you except there are no children involved. also, my 'other woman' is not someone i've known for very long so im trying to cool things off before getting too attached to the idea of her, and i think she has no idea that i've been thinking of her that way.

So good for you for looking for solutions rahter than a way out. I am probably the worst person to give advise (your situation reminded me somuch of the woman i keep thinking about that i began to wonder if you were her!! you're not) but i would say it's worth telling your husband how you feel in the moment. 

each time you feel let down or rejected, let him know straight away. at best, it will help you find answers togeter and at worst it will start a fight, which is never the end of the world and helps bring things out in the open anyway. if your marriage is to be saved, youre goig to need to have these conversations at some point!

good luck.


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## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

laser-monkey said:


> I feel for you. I'm in pretty much the same situation as you except there are no children involved. also, my 'other woman' is not someone i've known for very long so im trying to cool things off before getting too attached to the idea of her, and i think she has no idea that i've been thinking of her that way.
> 
> So good for you for looking for solutions rahter than a way out. I am probably the worst person to give advise (your situation reminded me somuch of the woman i keep thinking about that i began to wonder if you were her!! you're not) but i would say it's worth telling your husband how you feel in the moment.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

Laser-monkey same boat! Haven't known him that long, but when we met was instant spark. Hubs and I look happy from the outside. However, we have gone through marriage counseling and seperate counseling not too long ago. I sometimes wonder if it is worth working on. He works every day and literally not one day off when he doesn't need to work that much. We have brought up the "D" word numerous times. And to be honest with you, think at times we stick it out for the kid. But hey no expert. I never met someone with literally the same interests. The OM also has a daughter. 

I just feel whatever decision I make either way is going to hit me in the ass one day. We have discussed everything hypothetically. 

I will probably suck it up and be miserable for the kid. It's not always miserable but at times very lonely. Just would be nice to have a best friend/lover. Not this ****hole at times it can be. Hopefully, it works out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Today's marriage said:


> Laser-monkey same boat! Haven't known him that long, but when we met was instant spark. Hubs and I look happy from the outside. However, we have gone through marriage counseling and seperate counseling not too long ago. I sometimes wonder if it is worth working on. He works every day and literally not one day off when he doesn't need to work that much. We have brought up the "D" word numerous times. And to be honest with you, think at times we stick it out for the kid. But hey no expert. I never met someone with literally the same interests. The OM also has a daughter.
> 
> I just feel whatever decision I make either way is going to hit me in the ass one day. We have discussed everything hypothetically.
> 
> ...


Wow!

That's rough! If you really feel this way about your husband and it seems neither of you want to change, it would probably be best to split now before the two of you begin to hate each other.

Is the man you're talking with married? DO NOT drag his marriage down too if so!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You sound like you're all over the map...you say you know you've got mojo, cuz men flirt, but you say you don't really notice. You want to spice it up with your H but you spent 6 months pushing him away so now he refuses you...he's 15 years older...how old are you? You're a new mom, and you've developed feelings for another man, all in a year? What do you really want?


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## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

I snipped it no more talking I'm done. We (hubs and I ) just need to work out our issues and we will. Always ups and downs. Happy and sad moments. Plus, need to work on his mojo. It can and will be done. I was just throwing it out there. That's all.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

??????????????


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