# Oblivous or Just plain Stupid



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

So some of you may know the situation that I am in and the fact that I finally came out and told him i was unhappy with the lack of intimacy. He told me the problems and I have really been working hard to be absolutely positive about almost everything. 


So last night we went out to the movies and I wanted to see how long it would take him to touch me. Hold my hand or anything. I sat there very stiff for a good hour with not one physical contact. My thoughts were so loud I could barely pay attention to the movie.

About a good hour in a half in he asked me why I didn't want to touch him. I played dumb and just moved my leg over to touch his skin. By this time I had looked around at couples laying there heads on each other, holding hands, Caressing the backs of their necks ect. It made be very upset inside at the lack of physical touch and the lack of desire that we once had so much of.

So i took the chance and moved my hand to his package and started to softly caress it. I felt it start to get bigger and new there was nothing wrong in that department. I honestly thought he was going to move my hand but nope. He let me to it until my hand and arm got tired then I just stopped.

I was convinced he would say something to me when we got home about why I did that there or anything about it and NOTHING. He didn't say anything. I figured we would get home and maybe I would get lucky. Boy was I wrong.

I got home. Made sure he knew I was horny, put on his favorite sleeping number and hopped into bed. He went to the bathroom and I was squealing inside like a little school girl. I was so convinced he was getting ready for me to devour him. I made sure when he came in my nipples were rock hard, cleavage was out and a hint of my butt cheeks in the undies were peeking through. He came in looked at me I could tell he was taken back by what he saw. I played as if I wasn't expecting anything and faking putting my hair up. 

He came in turned the light off and asked me if I minded if he watched tv for a bit. WHAT THE EFFFF!!!

How stupid can one person be. It's going to get to the point when he is ready to give in and give it up. I will the one who is rejecting.

I finally yesterday ordered a vibe which I have used in the past when I was single but got rid of because I never needed it he would please me beyond anything else. Now that he has forced me to go back to it making me feel like a complete nympho 
I think it's going to hurt him more than anything.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sorry, I know how you feel... Especially to be so forward and still have nothing happen. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Sorry, I know how you feel... Especially to be so forward and still have nothing happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. It's so damn depressing.


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Hi, I am in the same boat as you. My wife ignores me despite my doing anything and everything that most wives talk about, ie helping immensely at home taking care of kids all the time, laundry, making my own dinner you name it. Every other night I hold her hug her tell her I life her, give compliments and so on and so on. When I hug her in bed she just lays there or turns over. I just wish for even a touch from her hand on mine. In order for someone to that unresponsive I think it takes effort - ie, effort to do nothing at all, and so. I feel it is intentional cruelty rather than passivity.

Hearing the other side is mind-boggling OMG would I so appreciate this treatment at a movie - it seems unreal to me - ad forgive me for saying this but any man who ignore what you explain here is nuts. He needs to hear what he is wasting - treatment that others like myself would pay a jillion dollars. I admire you and simultaneously feel your pain. It is he'll and pure cruelty!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Hi, I am in the same boat as you. My wife ignores me despite my doing anything and everything that most wives talk about, ie helping immensely at home taking care of kids all the time, laundry, making my own dinner you name it. Every other night I hold her hug her tell her I life her, give compliments and so on and so on. When I hug her in bed she just lays there or turns over. I just wish for even a touch from her hand on mine. In order for someone to that unresponsive I think it takes effort - ie, effort to do nothing at all, and so. I feel it is intentional cruelty rather than passivity.
> 
> Hearing the other side is mind-boggling OMG would I so appreciate this treatment at a movie - it seems unreal to me - ad forgive me for saying this but any man who ignore what you explain here is nuts. He needs to hear what he is wasting - treatment that others like myself would pay a jillion dollars. I admire you and simultaneously feel your pain. It is he'll and pure cruelty!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, your wife sounds like a lucky lady who needs a swift kick to the head. She obviously takes you and what you do for her for granted. I honestly think it's cruel beyond belief to be so unemotional and un responsive.

Sometimes people just need a little touching to make them feel the passion between the two parties however I am probably the last one to be talking about this since my SO is punishing me.

Its funny you say that he needs a reality check because last night one of his friends made a comments at the dinner table about how I looked beautiful and how my SO is a lucky man.

I could see how this affected my husband because after dinner as we walked to the cinema he was so intent on where I was and making sure I walked closely to him. I could tell he was insecure about the comment but HOT damn. If others can see how much I am trying to get attention from my man then my SO must be BLIND. Made me feel good though!

I hope your situation gets better and I totally feel your pain


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

helpwanted said:


> So some of you may know the situation that I am in and the fact that I finally came out and told him i was unhappy with the lack of intimacy. He told me the problems and I have really been working hard to be absolutely positive about almost everything.
> 
> 
> So last night we went out to the movies and I wanted to see how long it would take him to touch me. Hold my hand or anything. I sat there very stiff for a good hour with not one physical contact. My thoughts were so loud I could barely pay attention to the movie.
> ...


I just ended a relationship where the last night began like that. Had been invited over and it came to night and he asked if I minded if he was going to watch some Star Trek...this was after lack of togetherness and him falling asleep watching a movie he had chosen...I took sedatives and fell asleep too! Might as well do what he's doing....lol. 

I ended the relationship. I didn't want to feel pathetic and cheap falling all over myself in order to get physical affection. Sedatives were very useful to me. They kept me from having the energy to grovel, but not so much that I wasn't able to drive at 2 a.m. 

Haven't seen or heard from him since, it's been a week. If I can make it this far, I can make it another week, after that I'll have started dating others and got firmly entrenched back into my life and won't be in danger of re-groveling or believing him when he says he misses me and will change.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I just ended a relationship where the last night began like that. Had been invited over and it came to night and he asked if I minded if he was going to watch some Star Trek...this was after lack of togetherness and him falling asleep watching a movie he had chosen...I took sedatives and fell asleep too! Might as well do what he's doing....lol.
> 
> I ended the relationship. I didn't want to feel pathetic and cheap falling all over myself in order to get physical affection. Sedatives were very useful to me. They kept me from having the energy to grovel, but not so much that I wasn't able to drive at 2 a.m.
> 
> Haven't seen or heard from him since, it's been a week. If I can make it this far, I can make it another week, after that I'll have started dating others and got firmly entrenched back into my life and won't be in danger of re-groveling or believing him when he says he misses me and will change.


Wow I might have to invest in some sleep aid before I go insane.

I admire you for just up and leaving the relationship. How long were you together?

I wish I could just run away but I have never been a quitter. I always try and fix things and know I had given it 200% before I throw my hands up and walk away. I did it with my ex though so I know I have the strength. My guy is a good one but he is lacking in so many areas for me. 

Good luck in your new journey!


----------



## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

I feel your pain! I've been living like this for the biggest part of 20 years! It's not gotten any better either. I just don't know what to think anymore. It's a sad, lonely place to be in that's for sure. After reading on TAM, I'm starting to try the 180. if that doesn't work I won't have many options left.. only 2 to be exact. Either I stay and live what good years I have left feeling less than a woman or leave.


----------



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Im always amazed when I hear women's side of a sexless marriage. For the longest time I thought men were the only ones with these problems or that the men described on TAM don't exist, boy was I wrong! Its very depressing especially when you say the same thing repeatedly and your SO still can't seem to get it. I give my W an A for effort and I can't wait for MC, hopefully this week. She understands and she wants to get to the bottom of it as much as I do I think. When I hear women's side of these topics though I always wonder why can't it often enough that you meet and marry someone who has the same feelings? Its rare but I know it happens because not everyone is in a sexless marriage or they met someone that have an equal understanding on sexual frequency.


----------



## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

needguidance said:


> Im always amazed when I hear women's side of a sexless marriage. For the longest time I thought men were the only ones with these problems or that the men described on TAM don't exist, boy was I wrong! Its very depressing especially when you say the same thing repeatedly and your SO still can't seem to get it. I give my W an A for effort and I can't wait for MC, hopefully this week. She understands and she wants to get to the bottom of it as much as I do I think. When I hear women's side of these topics though I always wonder why can't it often enough that you meet and marry someone who has the same feelings? Its rare but I know it happens because not everyone is in a sexless marriage or they met someone that have an equal understanding on sexual frequency.


I feel for you I really do. How is it that there are so many women in these situations? I always thought it was the man going without. With my husband is thought sex would never be am issue, we were all the time at it and it was always satisfying. Then boom... Nothing. He's not interested anymore. Good luck getting the chance to turn him down. 5 years later I'm trying to fix a sexless marriage. Have you sat him down and talked to him? Asked him why things have changed? I guess that was my first step and what we are still working on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree with the rest here. I get wrapped up in my own personal pitty party and forget that there are just as many women affected by this marriage betrayal as men.

I apologize for that. I hope your husband wakes the F up and..well...f's you.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Helpwanted, I'm really very sorry you're dealing with this. I dunno. Maybe he's actually a zombie or something. Even if he were really tired or really pissed about something, rubbing his package, wearing your favorite nighty, showing cleavage, nipples, butt, etc.....He'd have to be dead, gay, or in a coma to not respond. He turns on the TV? I know how bad this rejection crap feels for a guy. Can't even imagine what it must be like for a woman. For what it's worth, a whole lot of guys here would go hog wild if their wives showed even a tenth as much motivation as you gave your's. I would have jumped on that like a bullfrog on a grasshopper and I suspect most guys would. Not sure if the problem is between his ears or legs but he's obviously got one.


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Helpwanted, I'm really very sorry you're dealing with this. I dunno. Maybe he's actually a zombie or something. Even if he were really tired or really pissed about something, rubbing his package, wearing your favorite nighty, showing cleavage, nipples, butt, etc.....He'd have to be dead, gay, or in a coma to not respond. He turns on the TV? I know how bad this rejection crap feels for a guy. Can't even imagine what it must be like for a woman. For what it's worth, a whole lot of guys here would go hog wild if their wives showed even a tenth as much motivation as you gave your's. I would have jumped on that like a bullfrog on a grasshopper and I suspect most guys would. Not sure if the problem is between his ears or legs but he's obviously got one.


Yes I would second that. I get it about 5 or six times a year. This year I got a special birthday treat after an unsuccessful request the previous year. Basically I got initiation with lingerie - the real punk kind of lingerie that drives me wild. I am so thankful for that night I could almost go a few month with a grin on my face. And I had to request it, but no complaints! Just trying to show that this guy got it completely unsolicited. I would almost go as far to say maybe he is gay - no seriously - the other explanation I can think of that is not already mentioned here is that something was being hidden especially due to the nature of the scene - that is grabbing the boxers as if to hide something...think about it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

Wow, your husbands sound like bunch of tools. They do not deserve the honor of having a penis. 

Vagina vs. Star Trek? 

Vagina wins every time.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Not to sound crude, but do you think he "relieved" himself while in the bathroom? I just can't fathom the theater thing happening and him not doing anything about it... (This kind of a situation has happened between hubby and I before... When he was ready to be honest, it basically came down to passive-aggressiveness). 

He knew I wanted it, but would "punish" me for some crime I didn't know about...  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/
Change your approach
Read my thread, here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/57375-how-seduce-your-ld-husband.html
My wife is a nympho, and we're having similar issues.

Still... I don't see anything inheritedly wrong with what you've been doing so far. But I don't know the full story, read my thread and see if it helps


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Not to sound crude, but do you think he "relieved" himself while in the bathroom? I just can't fathom the theater thing happening and him not doing anything about it... (This kind of a situation has happened between hubby and I before... When he was ready to be honest, it basically came down to passive-aggressiveness).
> 
> He knew I wanted it, but would "punish" me for some crime I didn't know about...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I don't think he was in there long enough. I heard him pee wash hands and he was back. I am just dumb founded. I am wondering if he even finds me attractive anymore or even if he's in love with me.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Even if I had "relieved myself" and stepped out to find the scene the OP described, it'd be "Boy, Howdy!!" Maybe it would have taken a few extra minutes, but that didn't sound like a set-up anyone would want to rush through, anyway.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

How old are you two? How long have you been together?

Why did you let him go to the TV - could you not have insisted a little more? I know how hard it is to always be the initiator, believe me, but if I didn't, I'd get nothing!


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> How old are you two? How long have you been together?
> 
> Why did you let him go to the TV - could you not have insisted a little more? I know how hard it is to always be the initiator, believe me, but if I didn't, I'd get nothing!


I am 27 he is 35. I thought I did pretty good considering I have never had to be so pushy so it semi new to me. However i could have demanded it but i just don't want him to resent me.

I let him watch tv because I didn't want to be a naggy B*tch. I guess tonight I will try even harder.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

helpwanted said:


> I am 27 he is 35. I thought I did pretty good considering I have never had to be so pushy so it semi new to me. However i could have demanded it but i just don't want him to resent me.
> 
> I let him watch tv because I didn't want to be a naggy B*tch. I guess tonight I will try even harder.


You're not a naggy b*tch if you're 'nagging' for sex...I always tell my husband "I DARE you to go complain to your friends about this....I DARE you!"...of course, he never does. '

Don't demand...persist. Go watch TV with him, and continue what you started in the movie theater.

My husband is quite a bit older than yours, and I thought for sure there was something wrong with him, with me, or with both of us. But there isn't; it's just mismatched drives. I too, never had problems in that departement, but my husband had a much different sexual background than me; he was a late bloomer to begin with, got most of his early experience from porn/masturbation, and he then ended up in a sexless first marriage. Well, there's no way I'm putting up with sexless, so now I'm more of a coach...I encourage...I coax...and we're getting there.

Is he open to talking about it? My husband hates discussing, but sometimes (and I pick my moments carefully) I insist.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> You're not a naggy b*tch if you're 'nagging' for sex...I always tell my husband "I DARE you to go complain to your friends about this....I DARE you!"...of course, he never does. '
> 
> Don't demand...persist. Go watch TV with him, and continue what you started in the movie theater.
> 
> ...


He doesn't like talking about it when I do he gets angry and blame shifts and tries to change the topic or just plain ignores me tells me i'm selfish. 
I have tried to talk about this over and over again. I stopped talking and started trying to initiate but no luck yet. i am going to try again but be way more persistent about what I want. Hopefully he gives in. 

I even thought about giving him oral last night but I wasn't sure if he would reject me and if he didn't then he would have finished without a thought of my pleasure. This has happened quite a few times before. He says that I can never just give him a BJ without wanting some pleasure myself.

I have done this a few times but I get extremely turned on when I do that for him and I know if i don't take the chance to get pleasure god knows how long I will have to wait. So freaking frustrating. I never thought i would be the one that was in a sexless relationship.

I guess things are constantly changing and I am hoping he finds his mojo soon. It's killing me


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Counselling?


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Counselling?


Ha-Ha. Ya Mr.Know-it-all wont even consider. He says they aren't going to tell me anything i don't already know. So that's why I guess I am here still :scratchhead:


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

He's going to be a tough one to crack! Have you done any reading? I got His Needs Her Needs and even though my H pooh-poohed it, I still told him all about it (he refused to read it) and he understands why I need sex so much now. 

Did I ask how long you've been together? How much sex would you be happy with? I used to come here and complain about being 'sexless', and then I found out I was getting a lot more than many other sexless couples...with my husband there would be long stretches of nothing, and that is what I didn't like. Now, we've leveled out a bit more.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> He's going to be a tough one to crack! Have you done any reading? I got His Needs Her Needs and even though my H pooh-poohed it, I still told him all about it (he refused to read it) and he understands why I need sex so much now.
> 
> Did I ask how long you've been together? How much sex would you be happy with? I used to come here and complain about being 'sexless', and then I found out I was getting a lot more than many other sexless couples...with my husband there would be long stretches of nothing, and that is what I didn't like. Now, we've leveled out a bit more.


We have been together coming up to 10years. I would settle for sex once or twice a week. I would be happy with 4 times a week but that's unrealistic I suppose. I have read a few books one being men are from mars and woman are from venus which helped me figure out the differences in the way we think. None that would help with sex though. 

I will have to check out the one you mentioned and make sure I pass the information on the my SO. I know he won't read it either because again that would be telling him stuff he already knows.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> Ha-Ha. Ya Mr.Know-it-all wont even consider. He says they aren't going to tell me anything i don't already know. So that's why I guess I am here still :scratchhead:


If he knew it all, he'd know how important of an issue this is to you and benefit to him there is in fixing this.

I see you said you had a talk with your husband. Good for you!

I also see it hasn't affected him in the least. He's still blameshifting. He goes an hour and a half without touching you, then asks you why you aren't touching him? Why did he just touch you instead of asking you to touch him? Blameshifting is why. He forces you to make the contact with him and if you refuse, it's your fault, not his.

So what does he get for blameshifting? He gets a semi-handjob in the theatre and then gets to leave you all hot and bothered in bed while he goes and watches M*A*S*H*

I notice that he plays on your lack of verbalization. You obviously give him a lot of clues that he almost guaranteed recognizes, but none are verbal. In turn, he blameshifts to you by using verbal communication (Why haven't you touched me, for example).

So play his game, don't wait for him to give you want you want, flat out tell him what you want. Make him reject you. Put the onus on him. If you want him to bang you like a drum, say that. If you want him to go down on you, say so. Make him be the one who says no. Don't let him wiggle out of it by saying "well, YOU didn't ask me, so i assumed you didn't want it." Make it 100% clear what you want and make him make the choice of satisfying you or rejecting you.

Btw, don't doubt yourself. I'd wager 85% of the male population would want a wife that is as pushy as you are. If things don't work out and you elect to leave your husband and find someone new, remember this fact and give your new man a clean slate. Don't hold the mindless actions of your current husband against a future mate. We aren't all like this.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> If he knew it all, he'd know how important of an issue this is to you and benefit to him there is in fixing this.
> 
> I see you said you had a talk with your husband. Good for you!
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your response. I am now beginning to understand where I am going wrong. I am going to try and be more verbal about things.

I have tried to talk dirty every once in a while and he takes it as being trashy or classless. Kind of between a rock and a hard place. I am going to keep trying and if things aren't getting better by the end of the year I am going to have to call it quits. I can't go on much longer with a negative, egotistical, selfish, know it all that doesn't want to take my feelings to any consideration. I have had enough and I will have no problems finding someone who will fulfill all my needs.

Thank you again for your time. have a fantastic rest of your day.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> Thank you so much for your response. I am now beginning to understand where I am going wrong. I am going to try and be more verbal about things.
> 
> I have tried to talk dirty every once in a while and he takes it as being trashy or classless. Kind of between a rock and a hard place. I am going to keep trying and if things aren't getting better by the end of the year I am going to have to call it quits. *I can't go on much longer with a negative, egotistical, selfish, know it all that doesn't want to take my feelings to any consideration. I have had enough and I will have no problems finding someone who will fulfill all my needs.*
> Thank you again for your time. have a fantastic rest of your day.


I love your confidence. Should you elect to leave, remember the bolded part above. there will be tough days when you'll question yourself. Remember these words. Get what you deserve!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

leave before he destroys your confidence.

if you have to demand it as you say then its not worth having! at least for me.

this will not change and if it dose it will be short lived get out now if you don't have kids and other things to consider


----------



## tinbanger (Feb 27, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> So i took the chance and moved my hand to his package and started to softly caress it. I felt it start to get bigger and new there was nothing wrong in that department. I honestly thought he was going to move my hand but nope. He let me to it until my hand and arm got tired then I just stopped.
> 
> --
> 
> ...


All right, I'll admit it, this is exactly the kind of attention I've been dreaming of getting from my wife. Pardon my language, but your husband is a moron. He really needs to wake up and see what kind of life he's throwing away.

Better yet, print out this thread and leave it somewhere for him to find. Highlight the responses from husbands like myself. Especially the parts where we would come and kick his ass for passing up on this kind of intimacy with his significant other.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

barcafan said:


> Wow, your husbands sound like bunch of tools. They do not deserve the honor of having a penis.
> 
> Vagina vs. Star Trek?
> 
> Vagina wins every time.


 Not in my house. the TV wins everytime =(


----------



## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

its clear he isnt feeling it anymore, it does not mean he doesnt love you or anything, he has just hit the wall. you need to put it on him completly, stop playing mind games. if he really dont want it then something may be wrong. talk to him, after all he is your fella and you love eachother. dont make him feel bad about it tho cos it just adds more pressure, let him know that you BOTH have not been on it lately. im sure it will work out. just dont get a vibe, that will kill him. well it would kill me anyway. goodluck


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I love your confidence. Should you elect to leave, remember the bolded part above. there will be tough days when you'll question yourself. Remember these words. Get what you deserve!


Thank you Kingsfan.. You are completely right. There will be ups and downs but I am willing to hurt for a beautiful life.


----------



## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

talk to him. tell him specificaly your needs,so he understands (it's his JOB,chore's,responsiblity. men are dumb animals,but we love you as best we understand. you must be a teacher,even while your still learning. nuff said ??


----------



## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Are you the dominant one in the relationship? It sounds like you have a lot of masculine energy so I am curious. Sex used to be good and now it isn't so what has changed? Have you stepped into a masculine role while your husband stepped out? This was a dynamic in my relationship. We had other issues like ED due to perf. Anx. But the feminine/ masculine imbalance hurt us too.


----------

