# Why Do They Get So Angry



## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

He cheated, lied, ruined our wedding. And now he is upset that I closed our joint account (there was no money in there as I mainly used it to transfer money to him), won't provide me with financial support since I filed for child support (hello our son still needs to eat), and is trying to make me feel guilty for having him served. 
Did he not remember he ****ed another woman? Oh ****... I think she left him and now his financial life will be in shambles due to his choices. Well he chose a two week affair partner over a five year relationship and the woman he was suppose to marry and who is mother of his son. Not only that but I begged and pleaded with him to keep our family together for about 1.5 months afterward, before I learned of affair fog, 180 and etc. 

I told him their relationship wouldn't last and he was ****ing up our family for a fling. He chose her. So why now is he upset?
I am proud of myself for setting up boundaries. "I am done with this conversation if you can not talk to me as an adult without name calling" and showing him my basic indifference. I think he is getting frustrated that I am not fighting back, name calling or etc. and since he hasn't given me any money for child support, I told him to buy what ever our son needs and bring the receipts to court next month. He doesn't like the clothes I packed for our son to spend 4 days with him. 
I told him to own up to his actions. I didn't place us in this situation, he did. How long do they stay foul like this? Until they find another love interest?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

You're asking the wrong questions.

A better question:

How can I stop wondering why he does what he does and why he feels the way that he feels?

Answer: Focus on other things besides him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

movingforward2013 said:


> He cheated, lied, ruined our wedding. And now he is upset that I closed our joint account (there was no money in there as I mainly used it to transfer money to him), won't provide me with financial support since I filed for child support (hello our son still needs to eat), and is trying to make me feel guilty for having him served.
> Did he not remember he ****ed another woman? Oh ****... I think she left him and now his financial life will be in shambles due to his choices. Well he chose a two week affair partner over a five year relationship and the woman he was suppose to marry and who is mother of his son. Not only that but I begged and pleaded with him to keep our family together for about 1.5 months afterward, before I learned of affair fog, 180 and etc.
> 
> I told him their relationship wouldn't last and he was ****ing up our family for a fling. He chose her. So why now is he upset?
> ...


Did you expect him to be pleased when you stood up to him?


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## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Did you expect him to be pleased when you stood up to him?


Yes. Yes I did. Is that BS fog thinking?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I ask myself the same question but I don't know the answer. 

I am going through the same thing. My STBXH lied, cheated for years, and just got another woman pregnant. We are separated but have not filed yet. 

We WERE in the stages of reconciliation until he told me this.

I am filing this week and now HE'S angry at me. He' spitting mad. I'm "trying to screw him". "Out to get him". He's nasty and full of venom.

I am so ashamed of what he has done. So embarrassed. I don't want to tell anyone. My poor little boy... Now he has 2 half siblings born out of wedlock. (He got someone else pregnant years before we met). He has humilated me and left me no choice but to file.

And he's ANGRY AT ME!!! There's no reason. He's crazy.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

My STBXH is the same. He walked out with another woman, hasn't given me a lick of child support for the past 5 months, but I am the bad guy that is "out to destroy him." 

Stay strong, stay focused, keep this about what is best for your son.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

movingforward2013 said:


> Yes. Yes I did. Is that BS fog thinking?


Do you want him back?


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## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you want him back?


If he were remorseful and do the IC/MC like I initially ask for, then yes, I do love him and want to keep our family together

He says he is sorry but hasn't done **** to repair this and I am not begging him to. I implemented full 180 about 4 weeks ago and I guess him and his 24 year old affair partner broke down shortly after that. I told him only contact we have is about our son and he is upset about that as he was asking about my dating life.

I think remorse is coming by July, if I know him as well as I think I do. But that could also be wishful thinking. But for now, even though he contacts me about our son and randomly throws a sorry in there or two, he tries to rug sweep and blame shift, which is why I initially started the 180. Until he owns what he did and takes the steps to correct it, I am only worried about myself and my son. Not sure why he is mad about it though.

My friends think he is just trying to hold on to any contact to me now, even if it is just us fighting. Stupid mentality if you are trying to get your family back.
I should say his mother doesn't like me and has been his only support but telling him he isn't a bad guy. If she were on my side, I doubt things would have gotten this far. Emotional incest between them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

movingforward2013 said:


> Yes. Yes I did. Is that BS fog thinking?


I don't know what kind of thinking that was but I can tell you that, no, he wouldn't be pleased that you stood up to him.

That doesn't mean that you aren't Plan B for him now than Plan A has fallen apart.


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## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I don't know what kind of thinking that was but I can tell you that, no, he wouldn't be pleased that you stood up to him.
> 
> That doesn't mean that you aren't Plan B for him now than Plan A has fallen apart.


Well if he was trying to keep me as his plan B, fighting and being nasty to me is counterproductive, no? 
Any way, I hope he doesn't think I am a plan B. I told him we would not get back together unless we did counseling. I have now added on other mandates for reconciliation and those start with him being completely remorseful and approaching me like a man to fix this. I am done holding his hand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

movingforward2013 said:


> Well if he was trying to keep me as his plan B, fighting and being nasty to me is counterproductive, no?
> Any way, I hope he doesn't think I am a plan B. I told him we would not get back together unless we did counseling. I have now added on other mandates for reconciliation and those start with him being completely remorseful and approaching me like a man to fix this. I am done holding his hand.


He's probably frustrated you aren't just going along with his plan. 

There are wives who do that out of fear of the unknown. Maybe he expected you to be one of them. Too bad for him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

movingforward2013 said:


> Well if he was trying to keep me as his plan B, fighting and being nasty to me is counterproductive, no?
> Any way, I hope he doesn't think I am a plan B. I told him we would not get back together unless we did counseling. I have now added on other mandates for reconciliation and those start with him being completely remorseful and approaching me like a man to fix this. I am done holding his hand.


If you really want him back, this is the right path.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

People lash out when confronted because they feel under attack. People lash out all the more when they know that they are in the wrong because they feel under attack internally as well as externally. 

Then they justify their actions to themselves.

Only when they no longer feel under attack and their self-justifications start to fall apart do they actually begin to reflect on what they have done.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's angry at you for actually holding him accountable for the choices he made. He doesn't like that do he's having a tantrum.

Now part of that tantrum is an attempt to intimidate you into backing down. When a little nasty doesn't work, he ratchets it up to see if more will make you back down.

Another part of the tantrum is the fact that its easier to be mad at you than at himself. See if he was mad at himself, then that would mean that he is the wrong and that it would be his thing to own and to fix. But on reality what he wants is you to own the blame and you to fix it.

And finally his anger is a reflection of his sense of entitlement. He believes that he is entitled to have you and his son around, available, and on his terms. You deciding that you have a say in things that overrides him is unacceptable to him.

Cheaters are selfish,and selfishness is a sign of emotional and spiritual immaturity. So is throwing angry tantrums when things don't go you way, especially due to your actions.


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## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> He's angry at you for actually holding him accountable for the choices he made. He doesn't like that do he's having a tantrum.
> 
> Now part of that tantrum is an attempt to intimidate you into backing down. When a little nasty doesn't work, he ratchets it up to see if more will make you back down.
> 
> ...


Insane, but thank you for this explanation. Court is in 27 days... So I guess I have more bull sh!t coming huh?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

movingforward2013 said:


> Insane, but thank you for this explanation. Court is in 27 days... So I guess I have more bull sh!t coming huh?


Think of it like a soda machine.

He's accustomed to pushing your buttons and getting his favorite flavor.

He needs to learn that the button won't work.

And, you're showing him that it won't.

It takes time.

And, he may escalate further.


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## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Think of it like a soda machine.
> 
> He's accustomed to pushing your buttons and getting his favorite flavor.
> 
> ...


I will keep my eyes open. But I am now scared. I think I will not be responding to him any more unless he has my son and it is an emergency. I don't want any of my responses to fuel his need for my attention.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

movingforward2013 said:


> I will keep my eyes open. But I am now scared. I think I will not be responding to him any more unless he has my son and it is an emergency. I don't want any of my responses to fuel his need for my attention.


That's your best move.

Observe him from 50,000 feet.


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