# Caught between a rock and a hard place :(



## Sm4llville (23 d ago)

Apologies for the long post and if this is not posted in the correct section..
I've been married for 16 years, we've been together for 20 and like all marriages we've had our ups and downs, tears and joy, good and bad times but now I am sadly at a point were i am right in the middle of what i should do as either way I still would not be happy..
When we 1st met, i was working on a cruise ship personal training and for months in my contract I've not had any attraction to any other girl. When my wife came on I instantly was drawn to her, her outward look on life, energy, free spirit, highly confident and fun to be with. I was 30 and she was 23 at the time. She made me feel young again and we started dating and eventually left the cruise ships.

Please don't be harsh on me for this.

We've all had previous relationships, sex, close friends etc, my past consists of sleeping with 2 people and also having a bit of fun with another 2 ..The 1st time i slept with someone was when i was 15
In the beginning my wife said that she had slept with 14 people, i was very surprised and shocked at the same time, she 1st had sex when she was 13.

We had great sex for a few years after we were married, had a few ups and downs were she went through an ectopic pregnancy and then also found out after we could not have kids, tied IVF which did not work and also took a toll on her so we decided to not try again, i wanted to adopt and still do but she says the kids will all be hard work, either disturbed, abused, from drug abuse families so i've not went any further with that..
After that her eyes were a problem for a few years and we finally got that sorted out, then she slowly became quiet, guarded and was not the same person I knew and met, fell in love with
We decided not to try IVF again or adoption as she said it was very painful, going through an ectopic and then being told you can't have children.
Our problems started after this when she would get irate with me for no reason, be snappy and developed a cold manner..Even had arguments during sex which i found quite upsetting and this lasted for a few years until i started to question her and she then said she'd never recovered from the ectopic pregnancy, issues with her eyes and be told she cant have kids, i was and still am always there for her and supported her 100% and still do love her like the 1st day we met. Is it possible that we can't have kids due to her many past sexual partners, i don't know, does this affect a woman in any way, i dare not ask her or if she ever had any STI's

I then started to ask her about her past and how free she was and slept with so many people but gave me nothing like that for app 8 years, no attention, love or initiated anything in the bedroom, she was always just quiet which made matters worse as it just got shelved and again lasted for app 8 years
i was so frustrated that i was on the verge of leaving as i could not take this anymore, i asked again about her past partners and having 14 sexual partners, she said that was what everyone was doing and she didn't really enjoy it but then i asked why still continue having sex again, she said she used to be so drunk that she could barely remember and after that she'd move on to the next partner. It seemed the more i asked the more she said which was good she was opening up but the info i now have in my head is killing me. She went on holiday on 2 separate times and also slept with complete strangers and when questioned why she said it happened in 2 weeks of meeting so i was to accept that.
Before she came on the cruise line i worked with she said a close friend of hers, the ships purser had sex with her while she was so drunk, but then why always put yourself into that situation i asked, and she said nothing.
She also had and slept with another chap on that very cruise line as the purser .

I do apologize for this long post and you can hate me, tell me I'm wrong, obsessive but it's just the way i feel, sorry
I have now been on medication, oxycontin, oxynorm, codeine, co-codamol, all opioids for my mental state and am depressed with constant images of her being with other men and thoughts of what they did, also any small triggers sets me off and then it last for a day or 2.. It's affecting my marriage but i don't show this to her as i don't want to upset her and go on about it as i know it was all before she met me .
We'd be sitting after dinner and all of a sudden if i see something on TV or hear something thats a trigger and it setts me off in my mind and i just sit there eyes shut and try to sleep it off and fighting in my head for it to go away.
I am at a point not where i can not control it or fix it..constant images of her being with other men, her being blind drunk where she can't remember what went on and how she behaved
We nearly separated app 5 times now and she finally realized how this has affected me now she tries her best to initiate sex, attention and always caring and loving but even then thoughts creep into my head and i can not cope any longer
I've not shown this to her as i know it will break her as we've been through so much together..
Just had to put our dog, little Girl Della off to sleep about a month ago as he was so old, she was like a child and i know we needed her more than she needed us but it kills me everyday that she's not here with us .

As i write this and think of what's in my head and all that's going on i honestly can not make sense of it, i feel broken and tired, can't speak to anyone as we don't have close friends and would not want to let her down
I honestly do not know what to do, i stay and be like this, hiding from her what i am going through or leave and hurt her more, give up all the years we've been together.

My medication is running out and i can not keeping asking for a prescription, these very strong pain killers ( i dont take them for pain btw) and the doctor did warn me that they are very addictive, you can either become more depressed or have very strong feelings of happiness and wellbeing, i have the latter when i take the medication but i haven't now for a few days hence my post
i get into a state of euphoria which is on such a high, buzz like feeling which i love but how long can i take these medications for before i over do it

Can anyone please make some sense of this


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there is a few things going on here in your post , 
i will start with your problems as it is you that made the post and it is best to talk about things that affect you that a third party,
YOU HAVE what I think many here call retrograded jalousie 
the detailed account you know about your wifes sex life before she met you is because you dragged this info out of her 
you are judging her for her past mistakes without knowing what pushed her to do this ,

I am no expert on prescription drugs but they are only a band aid for your retrograded jalousie and you need to get help with this ,

now the seven years you lived in a sexless marriage was too long to let something fester and build into other things again you retrograded jalousie

you say you nearly split up 5 times your not out of the woods yet and if like battered wifes you have 2 more chances left before you split up for good if this is would you want you will end up with 
if you want love you will open yourself up to letting that regrow in you , 

you all so talk about your wife now knows how sex and all that goes with that affects your life and relationship and that now she tries her best to initiate sex but all you can think of is all the ****s that she had in her some 20 years ago which is a long time to be holding a grudge as if she murdered one of them she would only get 12 years for a first time and I have seen cases where some get less , 

it is time to stop thinking about the reasons why she can't have kids your gone past that and have been hurt by it 
your need to let a lot of your past go and build the next few years as that is all you have now at our age and this is not a practice run once we die we are not coming back to live it all again without the same mistakes 

you need to give yourself a kick up the ass


----------

