# No affection, no intinacy, huggs or kisses



## JamaicaWI (May 20, 2012)

I don't even know where to start. Like so many of you, I also have the same feelings. 
We have been married over 12 years have 2 beautiful daughters. I am 50 weigh in about 200lb and she is 40 and about 240lbs – she is beautiful to me and attracted to me. 
We use to live in the UK and moved to the Caribbean where both of us want to be. I thought this would help our relationship get even closer. 
I am the sole worker and provide well for my family. I love my wife so very much and I know she loves me (I think). But like most of the posts the affection is just not there. Whenever we talk she always turns it around and I seem to be the one to get the blame. She says it's because of the things I do, then she says she's just not that kind, yet I see her show affection to many different people and family where ever we go. 
I must admit (not like most posts) sex is great with us and we do have it often. I know how to satisfy her. But I still have to be the one to initiate it. 
I tried looking online for questions I had regarding my relationship. I never realized how many other husbands are in the same situation. I am a very affectionate and loving person, but my wife is not. I am always the one to initiate sex, hugs, and kisses, holding hands, touching etc. or any type of physical contact. I don't understand why she's so cold to me. 
I love her with all my heart, but she is breaking me down. I do the washing of dishes and keeping the house clean, not as a chore but because I enjoy it and want to take the stress from her. It seems that this will never end. She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't make me feel loved at all. I want her to want to be with me without me asking her too. I am at a loss as to what I should do. I sometimes feel that she only wants me around because I provide well for the family. 
One post above resonates with me a little. My wife was abused when she was a child (by her father – the bas%^$rd). I do agree and believe that this has a lot to do with it. Unfortunately in that post there was not a resolution that I could run with. I agree that many women in this situation have had some form of abuse or other. 
Now all she does is read online romance books which I know turn her on. 
As a Christian, divorce is not an option. Praying however is a key thing to do (also fasting). But the road is long and all I can say is never give up. 
Again like most posts I get the sense of a little satisfaction knowing that there are many others out there in the same bracket as I am. Please guys don’t give up. My wife is lying here next to me right now asleep. I am going to try again with her simply because I read this blog. 
It would be good to hear from some women who are reading this and see if they can help. Maybe you are a woman who was abused and has a husband who is begging for affection. Why not open up and write your feelings – it may help some of us frustrated guys out here writing in at all odd times of the night.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Wow. the things you do for her and the lack of affection is a mirror image of my earlier married life. that has all changed now thank god. Had it not changed we not be together now. I feel for you.

Affection is the one thing I cant live without. I absolutely thrive on it.


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## JamaicaWI (May 20, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Wow. the things you do for her and the lack of affection is a mirror image of my earlier married life. that has all changed now thank god. Had it not changed we not be together now. I feel for you.
> 
> Affection is the one thing I cant live without. I absolutely thrive on it.


How did it all change for you? I am desperate for her affection and I don't want to go and get it anywhere else.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Since you mentioned that you are a Christian a book we recently read through that helped my wife and I was this:


Some parts of it are written for newly weds, but even after 15 years of marriage it was all worth reading.

Beyond that I'd strongly recommend you two see a sex therapist if you can. Get a combination of individual and couples therapy from this person. The book is a good start.

Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books

Another good bit of advice is to make sure you two are talking each other's "love languages". That is each of you are doing the things that makes the other feel loved:

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

If you take a look over my story (in my footnote), I think you'll see there are a lot of similarities between our stories. We aren't out of the woods yet, but things are better and hopefully once we get to the bottom of how my wife's sexual abuse affected her things will be better still (and permanently so).


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

feel bad for you buddy, if i ever came home from work and got a hug or kiss i seriously think i'd have a stroke or wonder how much $$ she blew


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## JamaicaWI (May 20, 2012)

If you take a look over my story (in my footnote), I think you'll see there are a lot of similarities between our stories. We aren't out of the woods yet, but things are better and hopefully once we get to the bottom of how my wife's sexual abuse affected her things will be better still (and permanently so).[/QUOTE]

Thank you Browncoat I really appreciate this. I will check out the book on sexual intimacy in a marriage. 

I already have the 5 Love languages that you mention as well as th MarriageBuilders.com website as well as His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley.

I thank you for your interest and input. I am going to read your story to see the similarities.


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## JamaicaWI (May 20, 2012)

it is June 2014 and I am still on this blog. My wife continues to read romance novels at every waking moment.
Please can you let me know if this is normal behaviour.


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## JuliannaMills (Jun 11, 2014)

As a woman, shouldn't those romance novels make her be more affectionate with you? Beside the point, communication is the key. Talk to her, make her open up. Sometimes we just hold things inside afraid to tell the person we love how we really feel. Friendship is a number one quality that should be existent Ina marriage, most of us treat it like a chore at one time or another. Explain to her everything that you feel. Have a heart to heart, as one friend to another. the less we talk in our marriages, the more things we start assuming and problems arise. Good luck


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

So have you told her 'honey I love you so much, but I NEED some affection from you, a hug, a kiss, and I don't want to be the one to always initiate it!'. 

Tell her she doesn't have to worry that it means you'll want sex guaranteed that night, that you have needs and this is a big one for you. Physical affection, separate from sex. 

Some women don't touch their husband because they feel he will take it to mean they want sex automatically.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

JamaicaWI said:


> As a Christian, divorce is not an option.


As a religious person, I get where you're coming from, but this is part of your problem. There's no reason for her to change, she knows you aren't going anywhere.


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