# So sick of people saying "just" move on....



## Movingon_

If I hear that one more time...... How do you just move on? How? How do you get over 22 years of your life? Someone that you know better than yourself at times and the same for them. All the memories, the wedding day, the birth of two children. The dreams of a whole loving family. Someone please tell me.

To know that someone is walking the face of this here same earth, someone you love with all your heart. Someone you would die for in a second, yet they have decided that their life is better off without you in it. That nagging feeling that if you could just get them out to dinner for a couple hours, you could make them see the light that our marriage is worth more than how it ended. Of all people on this earth, I should hate her for guts and ever ( sorry, a phrase I used to say as a child ) but I cannot get her out of my mind. We have been divorced for over a year now. 

People that say divorce life gets better and they are now happy, not sure I buy that. If there are children involved, divorce can no shape or form be a good thing. Even if abuse is involved, and yes D maybe the only option, it is still a sad deal. 

I just do not understand how people move on from a divorce you did not want nor see coming. You are BEING told by another human being that your life will forever be different, your time with your kids will be cut in half, you are now moving out of this house, how you thought your life would be has all the sudden changed - and guess what, there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

Freak on a leash, time for one of them head smacks!


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## EnjoliWoman

That life was a falacy. That's YOUR reality but it was NOT HERS. she viewed your marriage quite differently. It sucks.

I know I did. Ex seemed surprised even after 3 years of asking him to stop hitting, criticizing, yelling and asking him to go to counseling. When he finally agreed I was already out, had a year-long lease signed and had found PEACE. 

I know my daughter wasn't as happy but parents DO know best. I know she is better off not having the example of a marriage being a man who berates his wife, hits his wife, screams at her and criticizes her. My daughter THINKS she would have been be happier but since I lived that reality, I know better.

Eventually your wife would have been different and resentful. That's what your kids would see and remember.


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## EnjoliWoman

Oh, and SMACK!


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## Shooboomafoo

Yeah... I know that feeling.. sometimes the desire to speak or talk about concurrent problems or just a desire to vent about it, garners this all encompassing "spit up" of wisdom.. just move on!!
Well THANKS Einstein!!! That fixes it all!!!


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## angelpixie

Movingon_ , I know you don't want to hear this, but it's really no different than having to move on if your spouse died. That forces your life into all kinds of different directions you never wanted, too. It really is no different. They are physically alive, but they are dead to us, the people they were when we married them (or presented themselves to be when we married them, depending) are dead and gone. 

What is the alternative? What can a spouse in this situation do, if not move on? It only punishes the left-behind spouse, and especially any kids involved, to keep replaying how much this sucks and how much you never wanted it.

It does suck. Nobody's taking that away from anyone. It may be even more painful than actually losing a spouse to death, but it's a permanent loss just the same, and people deal with them. It takes will to do it, and it doesn't happen overnight. But if you want to have the best possible life _from what is available to you now_, then you have to make that decision to, in fact, just move on. It's really up to you whether it happens or not.

If you want to be healthy and eventually reach a level of happiness, at some point, you'll realize that this person that you would have died for didn't deserve that devotion you had for them. Done. Over with. Don't keep wasting your precious time, energy, love and everything else on someone who doesn't deserve it. 

You only have this one precious life. LIVE IT!!!


(And I say this with understanding of where you're coming from. I've been there, too)


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## stillhoping

I have to disagree a bit. I don't think its like a death, it is a loss, and the one who is left does need to continue living with out your former partner, but that partner chose to leave, not stay and try to work this relationship out. Not follow through on the commitment they made to marriage, not give their partner the credit for all the hard work and sacrifice that occurred during a long marriage. The spouse who died did not chose to leave. And I totally get the frustration of being told to stop doing certain things and move on. Its not over til you are ready.


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## angelpixie

Stillhoping -- I did say that it may indeed be more painful in a way than a spouse actually dying, and what you refer to is exactly why. But the end result is the same. And we have more control over when we are ready than we think we do -- meaning we can also get in the way of our own healing. I'm sure many, if not all, of us have met an old person who is just angry and bitter over something that happened to them years before, or even in their childhood. This is a good example of someone who stood in the way of their own healing. At some point, we have to let it go, or else we will be miserable. Time does help, but only if we get out of the way and let it help. 

I was in a long marriage after a fairly long (4 year) courtship. 
We lived separately for over a year and a half, and my divorce was 2 weeks ago, on Valentine's Day. I fought for my marriage, in fact, did all those wrong things you're not supposed to do: begging for MC, starting IC immediately so I could fix myself and be worthy of him again, etc. In the end, it didn't matter. He checked out. We never went to a single MC session. Etc. Etc. Just like a lot of TAM members. I'm not belittling what anyone is going through here. Believe me. I've been there.

But you wanted a 2x4, and I'm trying to give you one, from the other side of where you are now. After a point, most of how you get through this is based on how YOU deal with it, not what your ex-spouse did to you. That's where my death analogy comes in. You can't undo it. So you have to...you know.

It's perfectly fine to vent and commiserate about what you're feeling and experiencing. But just a reminder that a.) people who haven't been through it don't understand what it's really like, and b.) what you're going through scares the hell out of someone who hasn't been through it, so they don't want to see your pain. It makes them feel vulnerable about their own marriages. That may also be a source of their 'just get over it' comments.


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## whitehawk

stillhoping said:


> I have to disagree a bit. I don't think its like a death, it is a loss, and the one who is left does need to continue living with out your former partner, but that partner chose to leave, not stay and try to work this relationship out. Not follow through on the commitment they made to marriage, not give their partner the credit for all the hard work and sacrifice that occurred during a long marriage. The spouse who died did not chose to leave. And I totally get the frustration of being told to stop doing certain things and move on. Its not over til you are ready.


Yep I agree. Ok fair enough if he's bashing her or she's abusing him , that [email protected] no way to be married.
But in many other cases it's pathetic the way people are dropping out of their family , their marriage , all the crap that partner went through for them.
Could be 5 yrs , 10-20 , yet one fks up for a couple of them and the other ones gone.
What good are vows , they mean nothing now , nothing.

If I ever go to get married again , well I just couldn't see the point actually, you may as well not bother.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Freak on a leash, time for one of them head smacks!


The problem is: Your marriage didn't suck enough. It still took a 2 good years of separation before I actually DID move on. But it helped that I was the one who actually did the moving. By the time I got around to the actual divorce I was ready to throw a party and celebrate it. For years I've been wanting this! 

I understand about the whole thing with the kids does make it difficult. especially if you have younger ones that aren't feeling good about it. Again, my kids are on board with it so it makes things easier. But 10 years ago it was the kids (as well as other stuff) that kept me in the marriage. I wouldn't want to be where I am to day with 2 kids age 8 and 5. It's much easier now.

Most people say to me when I tell them about the divorce: "Oh, I'm sorry". My line is "Well, I'm not!" I NEVER hear the "Just move on" line.  

So you need to change your delivery and not care so much what other people think or say.

There's your head smack: :slap:


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## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> That life was a falacy. That's YOUR reality but it was NOT HERS. she viewed your marriage quite differently. It sucks..


THAT is so true! Whenever I do say how bad our marriage was my STBXH says "It wasn't so bad, we had many good times. I have no regrets". He even says he'd marry me again! :rofl: 

All MY good times were when I got the hell out of the house away from him. Maybe if you put them all together we had a month of good times. If that. 

No way would I marry him again. I view our anniversary as a "Day of Mourning". If I could go back in time I'd run away from hm so fast all you'd see is this blur. 

Good thing I can't cuz I love my kids but I wouldn't do it again. NO WAY. From the minute we separated I didn't miss him. I was just hoping we could have a relationship and still be separated but even that didn't work. So now I'm done and happy to be that way.


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## Tigger

I find people saying move on to be dismissive and rude. They didn't live your life. I suspect they say that because your pain makes them uncomfortable.

People don't seem to be allowed to grieve any more than for a couple days and they are supposed to move on and get over it.


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## Movingon_

Thanks for the smack Freak. This maybe kinda long......

I am the youngest child of 9, yes nine. My parents have been married for 60+ years and still hold hands to this day. As a kid growing up, I loved sitting around hearing the stories of their younger days. How they met, how they got along with brothers and sisters in law, And yes, that is the correct way of saying it - it's not brother/sister in laws. There is only one law..... Anyway, I have always been a huge believer in family. I looked so forward to having my kids, and thier kids as well gathered around my wife and I years down the road and hearing " dad/grandpa, tell us how you and mom/grandma met...... I wanted so bad for this. People can move on all they want, be so glad to be out of a marriage, regret ever marrying that person but after divorce nothing is ever the same. 

The two best days of my life by far are when my children were born. My third best day was our trip to Pearl Harbor. I am a huge history nut and I never been to place like Pearl. I will never forget the feeling I had that day. It was one of the most awesome experinces I have ever had. But you know what, I would NEVER go back. Nothing is as good the second time around. Same for my kids. When my daughter was born and they put her in my arms for the first time everyone in the room had to put on sunglasses because I was beaming so bright. I cried for an hour and could not stop. It was such a powerful feeling. Sad to say, when my 2nd child was born, it was not the same expereince. It was still AWESOME, don't get me wrong. But it missed the same level as the first go around as the first child. 

I think it would be the same for a second marriage. I would be getting married again basically because my ex wife told me I had to. If it were up to me, I would still be married to her and would have NEVER thought about being with another woman. The whole idea of a blended family scares the hell out of me. I just do not see how people can make that work. 

I think you get one true shot at marriage. Even if I were to marry a wonderful woman, and live happily ever after it still would not be the same. I never see me getting over the loss of my family, spliting time with my kids that I will never get back. They were with thier mother last night and I am laying in bed thinking... I have no idea what my kids had for dinner. Did they brush there teeth before bed? Did my son finish his homework? Did they play any silly games before bed? Did they have story time? Did my daughter sleep in her cute little pj's that I love so much? Did they get a good night kiss? Did my son not put up the seat and pee all over everything like he sometimes does? All these times I will never get back. And I have years to go on this. How long will it be before another man enters thier life as "dad"? Sorry to be such a downer but this sucks. No one ever promised me that life was fair, but damn does it have to be so cruel?


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## Hoosier

Nighthawk: 30 years meant nothing. Exactly why I have Seal Team 5 on ready. In case I EVER show up to get married again.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon: Damn, you gotta get yourself a life on your own, apart from your kids! Eventually they are going to get older and get a life apart from you. What are you going to do then? Shrivel up and die? :scratchhead:

Your life won't be the SAME as it was. Why would you want it to be? It can be different AND good. Plan to do cool stuff when you do have your kids and get out and ENJOY the time you have on your own. Get some hobbies or something. 

I love my kids but even when they were young I always was doing stuff apart from them. That was probably part of the problem. I took it to extremes. As much as I love my kids I've never been into the "parent" thing. In fact, I rather hated it. I like that my kids are older and more independent. Takes the pressure off. 

No, I definitely wasn't cut out for either the marriage or parent scene. I just can't relate to how you feel. I miss my daughter who is at college but I got plenty to do on my own. When she comes home for a weekend or on break I'm often out doing stuff while she's here. In fact, this weekend I told her I would be out on a hike during the day on Saturday but we are going to do dinner that night. I live WITH my kids, not FOR them. 

Believe me, the kids appreciate it, especially as they get older. My daughter tells me that a lot of her friends avoid coming home because their parent smother them and try to control them. She likes coming home here because I give allow her to have her space. Believe me, I can relate. I hate being smothered and controlled myself!

But I've always liked being on my own. I really did love it when my son was living with his father and I was truly living by myself. Now he's living here wtih me and I enjoy his company but when he's with his father I'm always glad to have the apartment to myself. Just enjoying the peace and quiet is awesome! 

I'm weird. What can I say? 

In the meantime, you gotta get out of the endless loop that you are in with regards to your marriage and kids and get some stuff to do on your own that you can enjoy and look forward to or else you are going to be one miserable dude.


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## Movingon_

Again guys, I cannot say enough how helpful everyone here is. It helps to read everyon else's stories. I think we all need to get together and take a shower.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Again guys, I cannot say enough how helpful everyone here is. It helps to read everyon else's stories. I think we all need to get together and take a shower.


:rofl::lol: I shower alone. I hate when someone else takes all the water. 

See? I was meant to be single.


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## Movingon_

Freak,
I know you are right. And I will move on someday. Believe it or not I have came a long way from where I was a year ago. I think I have said this before, but back in July I had a chance to R with her. She was willing to leave her job, change churches and even move to another town. But I declined. I know in my heart of hearts that getting back together would not work, it would never be the same. So I have excepted that the marriage is over and I do not want to get back with her. In fact, she sent me a text a week ago today asking if we could go out to dinner and talk. About what I am not sure, did not ask. Just told her it would not be a good idea. Maybe that is what's making it so hard on me. She has so many regrets but what has been done cannot be undone. I wish she would just move on and stop the crying. It gets me to thinking what if.......


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## whitehawk

Freak On a Leash said:


> :rofl::lol: I shower alone. I hate when someone else takes all the water.
> 
> See? I was meant to be single.



But how many kids have you got f and how old were they when you split ? Did they live with you or him then ?

When we were together I often thought I'm not much of a family man and a part time deal would suit me better. I do like my space and I often fought myself to be better at being married and a dad .

I was a great dad and still am but I just needed a bit more time out than the norm . Fkg got that alright !
But not this much , this hurts like all hell but she's got no complaints in that department of course , my daughter lives with her.
I'm the one that doesn't even know what it's like anymore to live with and wake up to everyday now , my own 11 yr old daughter.
And she has as much trouble with it as I do , it's bs so far. She's like me and likes her space too , even her friends get the chop for wks on end sometimes while she has some down time. Maybe when she's 16 or somem this won't matter then but I tell you what it does right now so I just don't know !


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## Freak On a Leash

whitehawk said:


> But how many kids have you got f and how old were they when you split ? Did they live with you or him then ?


I have two kids. When we separated in December, 2010 my daughter was 16 and my son was 13. Both lived with me in my apartment at first. My daughter went to college this year. She's 18. My son went to live with his father last May and was there until last December 1.

I lived alone from this past September-December 1st and was rather content and happy to do so. But my alcoholic husband dropped the ball AGAIN and disrupted everyone's lives so my son is back with me and will be until he's at least graduated from high school. 



> When we were together I often thought I'm not much of a family man and a part time deal would suit me better. I do like my space and I often fought myself to be better at being married and a dad .
> 
> I was a great dad and still am but I just needed a bit more time out than the norm . Fkg got that alright !


That was pretty much my situation. I underestimated how much I would hate to be the mother and primary caretaker of young children. Why I had a second child is beyond me. :scratchhead:

I'm a good mother in some respects but as a caretaker I'm terrible. I don't much like little kids, especially toddlers. Not good. 

And I don't like the lifestyle that goes along with marriage and parenthood. Oops. :slap: 

Fortunately my husband DID like it and love being a father so he stepped in and was super-dad for my children until about 3 years ago, which is when he just fell apart and started drinking. Fortunately I was totally into being a parent of teenagers and had my act together so I took over. I guess it worked out..kinda/sorta. 

I'm not one to look back and assign blame and go over it in my head. It happened, it's done and I have done a great job of picking up the pieces and being there for my kids now. Their father has done a great job of totally erasing all the good he did the first 15 years of their lives by totall fu*cking up the past 3 big time. When he goes on and on about what I did in 1998 I make sure to tell him that. 

Thing is, you can't be something you aren't. If you aren't cut out for marriage/parenthood then you shouldn't do it. I tell my kids that all the time. My daugther is going through a situation where she wants to break up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to be in a relationship while in college. She wants to have a good time and her boyfriend is a bit of a stick in the mud. Sounds a LOT like my marriage!

So she is planning to break up with him and feels guilty about it and I keep tell her not to be. Yes, the boyfriend is a wonderful guy and most girls would die to have him but he's not wonderful for HER. Sound familiar? And so it begins..

IMO this is all a training ground for real life and I dont want her to make the same mistakes I did. Never settle for what you think SHOULD be the right thing, do the right thing for YOU. 

My son is a smart kid. He says "I want to be single and be free". :smthumbup: How awesome is that! I encourage him in that because I cannot imagine him married. No freakin' way! I can barely live with him and I'm his mother! :rofl:



> Maybe when she's 16 or somem this won't matter then but I tell you what it does right now so I just don't know !


When your daughter gets older it should get better..provided she is a good kid. My kids are good. They aren't into bad stuff like drinking or drugs and I trust them. We have a good relationship. One thing my husband and I did right was raise them in a way that promoted that. Both of my kids are very independent and I've always encouraged that. IMO, you are parenting to teach your kids to be adults and live on their own. THAT is the goal of parenting. 

My son is practically on his own as far as day to day. I have to get him off to school and be here overnight. Make sure he does his homework, etc. But he's pretty independent in most respects. 

If I need to go out of town it's a problem so that's where I hope his father will come in. I need to go away on my trips for my "me" time...hiking, camping, kayaking, road tripping. It's what I do. His father wants to be involved in his life and takes him out a lot and is here to take him for weekends. That's my goal so I can get away. 

So I've paid a price for that. I'm not dragging my STBXH's butt into court and suing him for child support. Everything has it's price.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Freak,
> I think I have said this before, but back in July I had a chance to R with her. She was willing to leave her job, change churches and even move to another town. But I declined. I know in my heart of hearts that getting back together would not work, it would never be the same. So I have excepted that the marriage is over and I do not want to get back with her. In fact, she sent me a text a week ago today asking if we could go out to dinner and talk. About what I am not sure, did not ask. Just told her it would not be a good idea. Maybe that is what's making it so hard on me. She has so many regrets but what has been done cannot be undone. I wish she would just move on and stop the crying. It gets me to thinking what if.......


I wonder if you are making a mistake here. Yeah, she strayed but if she really wants to reconcile would she be willing to go and do some counseling with you and try and figure out why she did what she did? Have you gotten any therapy yourself to deal with this?

You seem awfully miserable without her. I never missed being with my husband and feel my life is much better without him in almost all respects. You seem to be feeling the opposite. Maybe you should stop standing on principle and listen to your gut and heart more? 

That doesn't mean move back in with her and remarry but at least think about it, especially if she is feeling truly regretful and wants to make some significant changes. 

I'm one to wipe my feet off and keep walking away from dirtbags but maybe this is one situation where that might not be the case. My husband to the very end would go on and on about how horrible I was and how nothing he did was his fault but if your wife is truly repentent and wants to accept her role and fix things..well, that's an entirely different situation. 

Think about it before you close the door on her entirely. Don't react out of anger or hurt just for the sake of doing so. Think about the things that would REALLY make you happy in your life. You sure as heck don't seem too happy now.


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## angelpixie

Movingon_ -- I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mom. Ex and I planned on having at least 3 kids. My parents were the first in our extended family to get divorced -- NOBODY got divorced in our family. No matter how bad things got, I just always thought he was as committed as I was. And it did get bad. Due to wanting to be away from our dysfunctional families of origin, we moved 1200 miles away from anyone we knew, a few months after we got married. Both of us had depression that got worse at various times. I had some health issues, we both had surgeries, I miscarried my second pregnancy, and he had 2 EAs by the time we hit our 5th wedding anniversary. By the 6th, he'd had a mental breakdown and was out of work, and eventually on disability. Emotional abuse had been growing all that time, and more EAs followed. Still it wasn't all bad. I thought we could work it out. I was totally committed no matter how bad it got. And it got bad. 

But eventually, he decided that he wanted to play the field. He didn't want to be tied to one partner the rest of his life. I did. But if the other person doesn't want it, what can you do? I saw how much my younger brother hurt when my parents split (he was 11). My son was 8 when his dad first said he wanted to split. We tried in-house separation for several months before I moved out. 

He spent his first birthday night at the ex's, as that was how our calendar worked out. The first birthday in his life that I wasn't there to tuck him in at night. I couldn't stop crying. I'm tearing up as I'm typing this, and that happened in 2011. There are things that will always hurt when you think about them. And there are things that will hurt now when they happen. 

But there have been positives, too. My son has seen me become a stronger, healthier person since I've been away from his father. We have gotten much closer than we've ever been. I have had to let go of some of the things I'd always done in his daily life, in order to replace them with making the time I do have him better than when we were together every day. 

I never had the option of ex wanting to reconcile. I had wanted that more than anything. But FOAL may be right. If you and she are both having second thoughts, and you really don't think you could be as happy with someone else, why would you not want to try counseling? Individual and couples.


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## Movingon_

FOAL and Angelpix - Why would I not want back with her? - It's a long story but I will shorten it as much as possible. First off I have to say that I am not the little weak innocent victim here. I did ALOT of bad things in our marriage. NEVER cheated, abused, gambled or drank - nothing like that. But I did go into coast mode, kind of took her for granted. I should have poured alot more work into the marriage to keep it strong. I just did not know any better. We we started at such a young age and were together for so long, I just always thought we would be together, so that one is on me. But let me tell you how the marriage ended. Its a long story so I will give the Cliff Notes version.

She went back to work after being a stay at home mom/wife. She met alot of new people. She brought this dude home and introduced him as a friend. I bought it. He was no threat to me. He was the exact oppisite of what my ex likes in a man. So I though nothing of it. This was back in late Sept of '11. My father and I take historical civil war trips every fall. Been doing it for the 10 years. The Friday before we left in Oct '11 I called my wife and asked her to get home early. I wanted to take her and the kids out to dinner/movie and spend time with them before leaving the next morning. She text back and said sounds good. I got home about 3. Waited for her and the kids to get home. 3 o'clock turned to 4. 4 turned to 5 so about 6:30 she comes home and he pulls in behind her. I asked where were you. She says, oh well we left work and decided to take the kids to the pumpkin patch. Thats my wife, my kids, him and his kids. Well thats when I realized I was in trouble. He stayed that night until about 11:30 talking with her at the table. I just went to the basement to watch B ball. When he left we had a big talk. Yet she still convienced me nothing was going on.

So, somewhat content, I went on vacation with my dad the next morning. When I got back 5 days later, that is when she dropped the bomb on me. She said I love you but not in love with you. The first words out of my mouth was, it's him isent it? She said he had nothing to do with this. She was in such a hurry to get me out of there, we were divorced 2 months later. She did not even hire a lawyer.

So.... The second week of our divorce, I dropped the kids off at her house so they could go to church with her. I arrived about 15 minutes early and low and behold They come walking out of the house together at 8 in the morn. She did not even let the body get cold so to speak. So I confronted him, asked what his wife thought of all of this. If it wernt for my kids being there I would have mopped up the front yard with his azz. My ex got inbetween us and told ME I had to leave. So right there she proved he was more to her than I was. 

So.... the next week I contacted his wife and said I had some info for her. She said she was trying to find a way to contact me as well. Her and I met for dinner at around 7 at night and talked in her car until around four in the morn. There was just so much to talk about. I thought I was going to rock her world with what I knew. Hell, compared to what she knew, I knew nothing. She should me a B day card my ex had given him in early Sept. This is before I knew anything was going on. The card said something to the effect - " I love you more with every breath I take. I cannot wait to wake up in your arms every morning blah blah blah.... She drew him pictures with crayons and sappy little sayings, almost high school like. And the texts she showed me was enough for me to say enough. She was able to live this life for months and still crawl in bed with me as if nothing was going on. It took me over 3 months to not look down the card ilse at the store and not picture walking up and down trying to find the perfect card for him, buying it with MY money, giving it to him then coming home as if all is well. 

This is stuff that I will NEVER get out of my head. I could never lay next to her and not wonder if she is doing all of this again. She was so good at it the first time, she can only get better. I think the only reason wants back together is her and lover did not walk off into the sunset to thier new happy life together. He tried to go back to his wife after I talked to her and left my ex high and dry. She thought so little of me and our 22 years together that she brought him into MY home, probably playing footsies under the table right in front of me. Broke up two families and for what? Sometimes I wish they would get together so at least the two homes were destroyed for something. As it sits right now, everyone misserable and no winners what so ever. 

I stayed in the house up untill 2 days past our divorce, slept in the same bed together, how strange is that??? There were so many terriable things said by both of us. Things that can never be taken back. Things that cut to the bone. I know it was all said in anger, but still said. So, that is why I could never take her back. I would be plan B.


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## angelpixie

Understood, MO. You went through hell, that's for sure. You are still feeling the betrayal and mourning the loss of what you planned for; what you thought you had. There are stages to that type of grief just like there are for death. And there's no set schedule or time for getting through each stage. And it's not a linear progression, either. Steps forwards and back all along the way. 

But I'm going to ask what FOAL asked, too -- are you in any type of IC? The time from speech to divorce was much faster for you than it was for me, to be sure, but I still found IC to be extremely helpful, as well as reading several books. 

If you really don't want to reconcile with her, and you're not happy where you are now, over a year after the divorce, you might want to investigate where you are in those stages of grief, and find out if you're stuck in one of them. One book that I know has been recommended quite often on TAM is 
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond): Bruce Fisher: 9781886230699: Amazon.com: Books

I don't know if you've already taken a look at this, but maybe it would be a positive act you can take towards your healing, rather than getting upset with people telling you to move on. Focus on helping yourself feel better, not on getting angry at them. Eventually, you won't care what they say anymore. And they'll probably stop saying it to you.


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## Baseballmom6

I know where you are coming from Movinon. I was married for 27 years when I got kicked to to curb so to speak. I divorced him after I caught him cheating again and these were suppose to be the "good years". Both kids out if the house. Now I get to see ex and his hoe go to visit his mother next door instead. I still think about him and what went wrong every day. It really sucks! I want to be at that indifferent place so bad but it eludes me at the moment.


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## I got this

You may be missing a signal there. 

With the utmost respect, of you are hearing this so much its making you sick then you may be bringing up this subject to the wrong people or too often to the same people that are not as sympathetic to your suffering and loss. 

Choose your audience more carefully. Perhaps you could join a support group of divorcees to listen and then promisre yourself yoiu wont talk about it ever again with anyone that has said "just move on" because that is their signal that dont want to hear anymore about it.


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## whitehawk

Freak On a Leash said:


> I have two kids. When we separated in December, 2010 my daughter was 16 and my son was 13. Both lived with me in my apartment at first. My daughter went to college this year. She's 18. My son went to live with his father last May and was there until last December 1.
> 
> I lived alone from this past September-December 1st and was rather content and happy to do so. But my alcoholic husband dropped the ball AGAIN and disrupted everyone's lives so my son is back with me and will be until he's at least graduated from high school.
> 
> 
> 
> That was pretty much my situation. I underestimated how much I would hate to be the mother and primary caretaker of young children. Why I had a second child is beyond me. :scratchhead:
> 
> I'm a good mother in some respects but as a caretaker I'm terrible. I don't much like little kids, especially toddlers. Not good.
> 
> And I don't like the lifestyle that goes along with marriage and parenthood. Oops. :slap:
> 
> Fortunately my husband DID like it and love being a father so he stepped in and was super-dad for my children until about 3 years ago, which is when he just fell apart and started drinking. Fortunately I was totally into being a parent of teenagers and had my act together so I took over. I guess it worked out..kinda/sorta.
> 
> I'm not one to look back and assign blame and go over it in my head. It happened, it's done and I have done a great job of picking up the pieces and being there for my kids now. Their father has done a great job of totally erasing all the good he did the first 15 years of their lives by totall fu*cking up the past 3 big time. When he goes on and on about what I did in 1998 I make sure to tell him that.
> 
> Thing is, you can't be something you aren't. If you aren't cut out for marriage/parenthood then you shouldn't do it. I tell my kids that all the time. My daugther is going through a situation where she wants to break up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to be in a relationship while in college. She wants to have a good time and her boyfriend is a bit of a stick in the mud. Sounds a LOT like my marriage!
> 
> So she is planning to break up with him and feels guilty about it and I keep tell her not to be. Yes, the boyfriend is a wonderful guy and most girls would die to have him but he's not wonderful for HER. Sound familiar? And so it begins..
> 
> IMO this is all a training ground for real life and I dont want her to make the same mistakes I did. Never settle for what you think SHOULD be the right thing, do the right thing for YOU.
> 
> My son is a smart kid. He says "I want to be single and be free". :smthumbup: How awesome is that! I encourage him in that because I cannot imagine him married. No freakin' way! I can barely live with him and I'm his mother! :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> When your daughter gets older it should get better..provided she is a good kid. My kids are good. They aren't into bad stuff like drinking or drugs and I trust them. We have a good relationship. One thing my husband and I did right was raise them in a way that promoted that. Both of my kids are very independent and I've always encouraged that. IMO, you are parenting to teach your kids to be adults and live on their own. THAT is the goal of parenting.
> 
> My son is practically on his own as far as day to day. I have to get him off to school and be here overnight. Make sure he does his homework, etc. But he's pretty independent in most respects.
> 
> If I need to go out of town it's a problem so that's where I hope his father will come in. I need to go away on my trips for my "me" time...hiking, camping, kayaking, road tripping. It's what I do. His father wants to be involved in his life and takes him out a lot and is here to take him for weekends. That's my goal so I can get away.
> 
> So I've paid a price for that. I'm not dragging my STBXH's butt into court and suing him for child support. Everything has it's price.



Yeah see they were a lot older and they were with you , ha I fkg wish !

Should watch that stuff of your own feelings to F with all this when talking to the kids though , you don't wanna confuse them in themselves and what they might want and dream for later in life if they growing up hearing that .
Too many warped adult views like what I grew up with can really mess with your head believe me - sticks with you and fks you over forever .
Yeah but I think I did ok , I am a big part marriage stuff with the right girl but I do just also like my space for more than the norm .
I'd prefer being married to this I just need some of that too that's all. Took me a long time to get use to being a dad on call 24/7 too but I came good and we both found our niche with each other.

Wifey and I never crowded each other too much , other couples were always scratching their head at how loose we were with each other but she still didn't get space which cause me a lot of distance in the end.
Mainly due to all our life cluster fk this last 4-5yrs .
But in the end it wasn't so much a space thing for me , was for her because I needed more and she got lonely but for me it was more changes in her that I was finding really hard to be around.

I use to say a 100 times over time , can you please cut back a bit on this or that- nothin ! They weren't her things as a person or anything , more just crazy habits that'd just sort of moved in on her over time , they even drove my daughter mad.
I dunno , long complicated story ! I'm complicated !

Good luck though F , not that you need it your rocking a long just fine hey , good for you at least one of us is :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk

angelpixie said:


> Movingon_ -- I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mom. Ex and I planned on having at least 3 kids. My parents were the first in our extended family to get divorced -- NOBODY got divorced in our family. No matter how bad things got, I just always thought he was as committed as I was. And it did get bad. Due to wanting to be away from our dysfunctional families of origin, we moved 1200 miles away from anyone we knew, a few months after we got married. Both of us had depression that got worse at various times. I had some health issues, we both had surgeries, I miscarried my second pregnancy, and he had 2 EAs by the time we hit our 5th wedding anniversary. By the 6th, he'd had a mental breakdown and was out of work, and eventually on disability. Emotional abuse had been growing all that time, and more EAs followed. Still it wasn't all bad. I thought we could work it out. I was totally committed no matter how bad it got. And it got bad.
> 
> But eventually, he decided that he wanted to play the field. He didn't want to be tied to one partner the rest of his life. I did. But if the other person doesn't want it, what can you do? I saw how much my younger brother hurt when my parents split (he was 11). My son was 8 when his dad first said he wanted to split. We tried in-house separation for several months before I moved out.
> 
> He spent his first birthday night at the ex's, as that was how our calendar worked out. The first birthday in his life that I wasn't there to tuck him in at night. I couldn't stop crying. I'm tearing up as I'm typing this, and that happened in 2011. There are things that will always hurt when you think about them. And there are things that will hurt now when they happen.
> 
> But there have been positives, too. My son has seen me become a stronger, healthier person since I've been away from his father. We have gotten much closer than we've ever been. I have had to let go of some of the things I'd always done in his daily life, in order to replace them with making the time I do have him better than when we were together every day.
> 
> I never had the option of ex wanting to reconcile. I had wanted that more than anything. But FOAL may be right. If you and she are both having second thoughts, and you really don't think you could be as happy with someone else, why would you not want to try counseling? Individual and couples.



Thanks for your story Angel sorry it hurts. Been gonna read your stuff for mths just haven't made it. Well I wish you were mine because we should've worked it out too and two people need to be on the same fkg page with this stuff. I can't believe people quit on it .
My parents went full circle as a lot of the oldies do and were so in love again when they died 56yrs . You just wouldn't believe they stuck it out and turned if you saw them earlier.
Mine long story's as complicated as yours if we took cause and effects right through into account but at the end of the day it didn't have to be like this we were far better than most couple anywhere or through here too .
I reckon it comes down to shear guts , some of us have it , the oldies sure do , well most of them . 
We know average couples that really , have coped with a lot more than we did and are still in there , a lot of them don't even get along any where near as well as we did but they have guts and beliefs .

Her parents went through 10x what we did and they're still in there , so did mine . makes me that fkg angry.
You put your life in the hands of somebody that tells you they believe in this and don't believe in that , but you don't know do you for sure until it's too late
Oops , might've ranted I think sorry about that. I'm with you though Angel. Hang in there .


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## Nsweet

Well, if you're that broken up about losing her...... Get over it!

Stop whining to us about what you had, pull up your big boy britches, fire your shrink, decide to live YOUR life, and......

Wait for it.....

Get her back!

Before you can even get your hopes up about even dreaming of that possibility you need to relax and learn to enjoy what little you do have. You still get to see your kids don't you. I mean she didn't drown them in a bathtub in Texas. Not to mention she didn't cut your penis off and throw it down the garbage disposal. That's two things you can enjoy right there, not together. And you still have support from friends, if not in the real world then with us.

So just relax and set your goals long term. 

How about in the mean time you see if you can't get along during your child visitations and pick up/drop offs. Later on you might be able to enjoy occasional holidays together as "just friends". I know it sucks, but it sure beats restraining orders and trumped up charges in court. Then over the course of the next few years you date a few people, because you're not a loser who can't enjoy your single life, and see if you don't feel the same about your ex wife after a couple girlfriends. Maybe in your 60s or 70s you'll get a do over, but then again this could all be a blessing in disguise. 

For many of the spouses on here there's a lot of hurt until they can let go of that picture perfect image of their ex and see that they were just as selfish and flawed as the rest of us. It's not all your fault she left you, your marriage was in trouble WAY before then, but you weren't the lynch pin in this decision..... her ego was. You'll have to excuse me for laying a little heavy psych on you. 

Imagine you and your wife were top chefs working on a recipe together, except she couldn't taste salts and you couldn't taste sweets so you both had to work together to make the dish perfect. Eventually both of you start to argue over who's way is right and you both lose focus of the long term goal...... The recipe you were both working on together. You get angry because you think she's rejecting your point of view, and she feels personally attacked when you lash out trying to regain dominance over the fight. 

This little royal rumble progresses into blame shifting and a whole reassignment of why she feels bad about your marriage. It used to be the problem was the recipe for the perfect marriage didn't come together the way she pictured, but now it's you. You can't make me happy, so I need time and space to quit this relationship and fix myself..... except there's never any attempts to "fix" anything, just one temporary gratification after another. And that's where you are right now. 

You're out of the picture (divorced), and she's trying to rebuild the longstanding image she had of herself as the repressed and neglected housewife and mother. You're not going to change her mind anytime soon by showing up and treating her like a long lost lover or chasing her endlessly begging for a second chance. You want to improve things between you? You want some kind of closure? Then you need to soothe her ego by telling her how right she was to divorce you and how much of a horrible husband you were to her. You know it's not true, she knows it's not true, but when she hears this she will stop siding with her ego to bash you. 

It's counter-intuitive, but it works everytime in every aspect of psychology from psychotherapy to mind control. You work around emotional barriers protected by pride and the ego by siding with their beliefs and agreeing when you feel any resistance. I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass either, this worked with my ex wife to get her to want to see me again when she told me she never wanted to see me again right before the divorce, when I was stuck in the airport overnight half-way accross the country. I was shocked, and a little angry, but I understood if I just let the call go to voicemail and when I calmed down I would tell her I understood and was alright with her decision - In a mature non-needy way - She changed her mind minutes later and apologized. 

I'm telling you everything I have told you will work like nothing else you've tried, and without trying to manipulate her into anything. You just need to learn...... 
1. To concentrate on what little you have that you need to appreciate.
2. To Keep yourself calm in stressful situations...... Martial arts will helps with this. 
3. To agree with her instead of arguing your point further, because you already said it once and strong men don't repeat themselves over and over hoping someone will hear. 
4. To act happy and not show her how much you're gurting, because she will NOT mother you!
5. To pull away whenever she, or anyone starts rejecting you.


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## keko

Movingon_ said:


> FOAL and Angelpix - Why would I not want back with her? - It's a long story but I will shorten it as much as possible. First off I have to say that I am not the little weak innocent victim here. I did ALOT of bad things in our marriage. NEVER cheated, abused, gambled or drank - nothing like that. But I did go into coast mode, kind of took her for granted. I should have poured alot more work into the marriage to keep it strong. I just did not know any better. We we started at such a young age and were together for so long, I just always thought we would be together, so that one is on me. But let me tell you how the marriage ended. Its a long story so I will give the Cliff Notes version.
> 
> She went back to work after being a stay at home mom/wife. She met alot of new people. She brought this dude home and introduced him as a friend. I bought it. He was no threat to me. He was the exact oppisite of what my ex likes in a man. So I though nothing of it. This was back in late Sept of '11. My father and I take historical civil war trips every fall. Been doing it for the 10 years. The Friday before we left in Oct '11 I called my wife and asked her to get home early. I wanted to take her and the kids out to dinner/movie and spend time with them before leaving the next morning. She text back and said sounds good. I got home about 3. Waited for her and the kids to get home. 3 o'clock turned to 4. 4 turned to 5 so about 6:30 she comes home and he pulls in behind her. I asked where were you. She says, oh well we left work and decided to take the kids to the pumpkin patch. Thats my wife, my kids, him and his kids. Well thats when I realized I was in trouble. He stayed that night until about 11:30 talking with her at the table. I just went to the basement to watch B ball. When he left we had a big talk. Yet she still convienced me nothing was going on.
> 
> So, somewhat content, I went on vacation with my dad the next morning. When I got back 5 days later, that is when she dropped the bomb on me. She said I love you but not in love with you. The first words out of my mouth was, it's him isent it? She said he had nothing to do with this. She was in such a hurry to get me out of there, we were divorced 2 months later. She did not even hire a lawyer.
> 
> So.... The second week of our divorce, I dropped the kids off at her house so they could go to church with her. I arrived about 15 minutes early and low and behold They come walking out of the house together at 8 in the morn. She did not even let the body get cold so to speak. So I confronted him, asked what his wife thought of all of this. If it wernt for my kids being there I would have mopped up the front yard with his azz. My ex got inbetween us and told ME I had to leave. So right there she proved he was more to her than I was.
> 
> So.... the next week I contacted his wife and said I had some info for her. She said she was trying to find a way to contact me as well. Her and I met for dinner at around 7 at night and talked in her car until around four in the morn. There was just so much to talk about. I thought I was going to rock her world with what I knew. Hell, compared to what she knew, I knew nothing. She should me a B day card my ex had given him in early Sept. This is before I knew anything was going on. The card said something to the effect - " I love you more with every breath I take. I cannot wait to wake up in your arms every morning blah blah blah.... She drew him pictures with crayons and sappy little sayings, almost high school like. And the texts she showed me was enough for me to say enough. She was able to live this life for months and still crawl in bed with me as if nothing was going on. It took me over 3 months to not look down the card ilse at the store and not picture walking up and down trying to find the perfect card for him, buying it with MY money, giving it to him then coming home as if all is well.
> 
> This is stuff that I will NEVER get out of my head. I could never lay next to her and not wonder if she is doing all of this again. She was so good at it the first time, she can only get better. I think the only reason wants back together is her and lover did not walk off into the sunset to thier new happy life together. He tried to go back to his wife after I talked to her and left my ex high and dry. She thought so little of me and our 22 years together that she brought him into MY home, probably playing footsies under the table right in front of me. Broke up two families and for what? Sometimes I wish they would get together so at least the two homes were destroyed for something. As it sits right now, everyone misserable and no winners what so ever.
> 
> I stayed in the house up untill 2 days past our divorce, slept in the same bed together, how strange is that??? There were so many terriable things said by both of us. Things that can never be taken back. Things that cut to the bone. I know it was all said in anger, but still said. So, that is why I could never take her back. I would be plan B.


Umm... Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise

Sometimes I wonder if those old folks would have made it if they married during these times. 

movingon, your story is a lot like mine. My ex married the OM, though. She hasn't had to live through hard times yet since they are living it up. I use to think about what would happen if they broke up and she wasn't ready with an "out" this time but that's crazy because once the issues begin and things get a little tough she is always prepared. Plus, she is a drop dead gorgeous woman so potential suitors will always be available. However, I quit worrying about this a while back. Not even sure when it really happened but I quit thinking about her. Even though it was REALLY hard I think the best thing I did was blow up my old life and force myself to start from scratch. You will get there. 

I think another thing that made it really helpful was that even though I do share a child with her I went completely dark. I mean, I see her on drop-offs but I have not spoken one word to her in over a year. I now see her as a vulture because I know any interaction is strictly going to be because she needs something. 

The part about the kids is a tough one. I don't have an answer to that one. But, I try to be the best damn dad I can be when I have the kiddo and we have a good time. Do I seriously wish her mom would fall off a cliff so I could see my daughter every day? Absolutely. But, I don't drive myself insane as much anymore. Not saying what I do is healthy but I pretty much work when I don't have the kid and then I'm full time dad when I do have her. Besides, I'm still in debt and paying for the dumba$$ house I built for her since the market crashed. Ended up selling but I took a nice hit in the pocketbook. But, I am making progress. 

Sometimes I'll get impatient and want all of it to be over. Be out of debt NOW! Pain over NOW! But....I'm learning to just take things one day at a time and I only focus on finances one month at a time at the moment. It was driving me crazy. 

Take care, buddy. You'll be fine. Keep venting on here. This is the place to do it.


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## totamm

When people say "just move on" they're not saying it to be rude, they're saying it because you've really only got two choices when the person you love no longer wants to be with you. 

You can either "just move on" or you can "just sit there and waste away and die a slow death feeling sorry for yourself because you can't have the one person you really want". 

Also you may be under the misconception that when people say "just move on" it means you need to do it before next Tuesday or something. 



Movingon_ said:


> And I will move on someday. Believe it or not I have came a long way from where I was a year ago.


As you've already discovered, you can and will "just move on" but it takes time. A long duration relationship, yours being over 20 years, is going to take a while to get past. 

Your life will never be the same, that's for sure. In some ways, it's going to be worse, but in other ways, it can be a heck of a lot better. 

It just takes time and a positive mental attitude, and yes, the ability to "just move on".


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## whitehawk

Paradise said:


> Sometimes I wonder if those old folks would have made it if they married during these times.
> 
> Yeah I don't know , these times are so different to theirs. I believe there's were much harder . My dad first left school and worked for a builder. He told me they had 3 handsaws , the whole house was cut with a hand saw , that was his job for the first 6mths 12 hrs a day. And hardwood not pine crap we use now. No one could do that now .
> He raised 12 kids , ran 2 businesses 60miles apart- no internet then don't forget. My mum nearly died 2 or 3 times , she also had a break down but they got through it all , there's much much more but I won't go on..
> What women could have and raise 12 kids now going through all that as well .
> Could you imagine anyone - doing even a bit of that now , like that I mean.
> They say sometimes , we have it harder , but others say we're pathetic now , I don't know.
> Our world is mental over load - brain fk everywhere and total complication on every turn - theirs was just plain hard work but much much simpler.
> Big families were common but we can't even survive a couple of kids now so me , I believe we're piss poor compared to even close to what our parents and grand parents were.
> 80 yrs ago in this area , before it was built up , the locals tell me most of the parents and grand parents came from somewhere or another to settle here and cleared 100's of ac's of solid bush and 80 ft trees themselves , by hand - no bull dossers , most of them didn't a tractor , no chainsaws . Living in tents amongst it all for a few yrs , having babies the lot , until they could clear and afford to build their own house later.
> 
> So I tend to look at this stuff along these lines I mean how else can we compare it.


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## Pbartender

"Everything happens for a reason."

*THAT'S* the one I'm getting tired of.


Pb.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> This is stuff that I will NEVER get out of my head. I could never lay next to her and not wonder if she is doing all of this again. She was so good at it the first time, she can only get better. I think the only reason wants back together is her and lover did not walk off into the sunset to thier new happy life together. He tried to go back to his wife after I talked to her and left my ex high and dry. She thought so little of me and our 22 years together that she brought him into MY home, probably playing footsies under the table right in front of me. Broke up two families and for what? Sometimes I wish they would get together so at least the two homes were destroyed for something. As it sits right now, everyone misserable and no winners what so ever.
> 
> I stayed in the house up untill 2 days past our divorce, slept in the same bed together, how strange is that??? There were so many terriable things said by both of us. Things that can never be taken back. Things that cut to the bone. I know it was all said in anger, but still said. So, that is why I could never take her back. I would be plan B.



That's some story.  She really did you dirty and I wouldn't trust her either. She's shown you no respect at all. You were probably like most of us and just took your marriage for granted. What a selfish and childish person your ex is! There are better ways to go about trying to fix things then to just go out and play around and ruin everyone's life around you.

Not only did she destroy your marriage but she's not doing your kids any favors either.  Parents who go out and do things and act like children themselves because they are out for the own self interests and totally disregard how it's going to affect their children are horrible. They dont deserve to be parents. Once you have children your membership in the Selfish Club is supposed to end. 

It's interesting that you and I are polar opposites for a number of reasons but we are alike in many ways. Like you, my situation came from nowhere about 3 years ago. A man that I thought was steady and dependable just blew a gasket and fell to pieces and he never really recovered and I had to deal with that situation as well. 

Ever try and fix a car engine rather than replace it? It might work fine for awhile but usually another part fails and it's an ongoing process of trying to keep it running. Sometimes it works but often it's easier to just scrap the block and put a new engine in..or just get a new car. That's how it was with my marriage. 

Like you, I had to deal with that. Two years ago my life was turned upside down. A situation was thrust on me that I hadn't expected. I felt overwhelmed, stressed, angry, sad, etc, etc. I went though much of what you went through. The circumstances were different but the results were the same. It took me two SOLID years to work it out. The difference is that I didn't get a divorce right off. He said he still loved me, I still loved him and was hoping we could find some way to keep the "engine" running. So I spent two years dealing with my husband and my emotions with regards to him and my marriage and it was like a dog chasing it's own tail. A lot of work and stress but it never went anywhere. 

But after a time you just get tired of it all. You are worn out, tired and just want relief and peace. You realize you WANT that new car. You don't want the hassle of dealing with the old one. You want to just get in the driver's seat, turn the key and not have to worry about "what that noise is" or what is going to break down have to be fixed next. So finally you shell out the money and no matter what the cost, you get rid of the old tired vehicle and buy that shiny new car off the lot. It costs more but in the end it's worth it. 

I filed for divorce when the fear of getting in the car and turning the key outweighted my fear of paying for a new one. However, that said, by the time the divorce happened I had the time to work through my emotions and yes, it's a lot like a grieving process. You have shock, denial, anger/sadness and finally, acceptance. I'm in the last stage and yes, it feels good. I can even say I'm quite happy. 

You are in totally different situation. You've been in shock and now you are angry and sad. You got a long way to go and it's not going to be easy. You've come to a decision about your marriage being over and want to live with it. Now you have to set about the task of doing that and that is going to take time. 

Trust is an important component in any relationship. You don't trust your ex and I don't blame you. I don't trust my husband either. I don't believe anything he says or trust that he will do right by me or my kids. I just want to be rid of him and his antics. THAT is what drove me to divorce him. But the hardest part was to separate from him physically and emotionally. But it has to be done to heal. 

What you need to do is focus on yourself and not what you've lost. I really do think that if you aren't in therapy now then you should look into it. It's not about your marriage or your wife but about YOU. And you need to start building a whole different life separate and apart from your old life. You WILL feel better eventually. Maybe not at first, but it will happen. 

It's a lot like dieting and exercise. You look in the mirror and don't like what you see because you have put on weight over the years. You can sit and complain about those extra pounds and come up with reasons as to why you look like you do. "I'm getting older and it's harder to lose weight". "I'm too busy". "I'm too tired." ...

OR you can set about dieting and exercising and at first it will be awful. You will be starving and feel sore and tired but one day you'll look in the mirror and see a better looking you staring back. Your old clothes will be loose on your and not fit right so you'll start buying new clothes and feel and look better. 

You will feel fit good, have more energy and will actually work out harder and you won't WANT that piece of pie for dessert. You will be focused and caring about YOU and making yourself feel and look better. You won't be worried or thinking about what you can't have or how bad you feel. You will just feel good. 

Get it? That's you and your divorce and the new life that's awaiting you. You just need to look in the mirror and embark on a new lifestyle. You've made the decision, now you have to take concrete steps and actually make it happen. 

My daughter always says I'm all about analogies. I tend to think of everything in terms of something else.  But keep this in mind: Life is a journey and the first step is the hardest one. 

So start walking and don't look back too often or you'll lose your balance, stumble and fall down.


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## eldubya

Thanks angelpixie for your insights. You know I really like what you said about most folks not knowing what you went through. I have had lots of friends and family members go through divorce before I did and I just didnt know what to say or do. The best thing about my own divorce is WOW do I now have huge compassion for anybody going through this thing! And its not something people can tell you to just get over...


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