# Need men's thoughts on dating and sex



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I've gone on a couple dates with this guy. Third date this weekend. My feeling is I don't want to get intimate until I know we have agreed not to date others. We met online and both are profiles are still up. I have seen him online. My question is how do I handle this? We have had a couple hot and heavy make out sessions but that's it. Do I tell him I don't want to get physical unless we are exclusive? New to the dating world.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> I've gone on a couple dates with this guy. Third date this weekend. My feeling is I don't want to get intimate until I know we have agreed not to date others. We met online and both are profiles are still up. I have seen him online. My question is how do I handle this? We have had a couple hot and heavy make out sessions but that's it. Do I tell him I don't want to get physical unless we are exclusive? New to the dating world.


I understand that it can make a person feel vulnerable to talk about things like this, about your desire for exclusivity before taking it all the way. I have to wonder though...you are considering letting him put his penis inside of you, but can't talk openly about your relationship status?


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## Tom Tybee (Sep 5, 2013)

I may be old-fashioned but I don't think it's required of you to hop in the sack on the third date. Not at all. Just tell him you need to wait awhile.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Three dates is pretty early and and still time to be "feeling eachother out." I say stop making out so much until you can address your thoughts. 

It's still early stages.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Tom Tybee said:


> I may be old-fashioned but I don't think it's required of you to hop in the sack on the third date. Not at all. Just tell him you need to wait awhile.


No, no, no! I'm not thinking of having sex with him now! No way. Way too soon for me. But I feel it may be headed in that direction.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I understand that it can make a person feel vulnerable to talk about things like this, about your desire for exclusivity before taking it all the way. I have to wonder though...you are considering letting him put his penis inside of you, but can't talk openly about your relationship status?


Excellent point and very true.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At some point, he may try to move past your comfort level. You can either proactively discuss your thoughts, or wait till that happens. Personally, I think I'd respect it being raised BEFORE my date got me all hot and bothered. 

Be prepared for the fact that he may not have the same thoughts as you. If that's the case, it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong or bad. It's just not a match. No biggie. I wouldn't recommend laying out a boundary you're not willing to enforce, though. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What? No no no! Just agreeing to the date means your ready to give it up. He's going to be so pissed!

J/K! 

I commend your boundries. I think you have exactly the right attitude. And if he's worthy of bedding you he will wait until you're ready. The agreement to be exclusive is a good thing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> I've gone on a couple dates with this guy. Third date this weekend. My feeling is I don't want to get intimate until I know we have agreed not to date others. We met online and both are profiles are still up. I have seen him online. My question is how do I handle this? We have had a couple hot and heavy make out sessions but that's it. Do I tell him I don't want to get physical unless we are exclusive? New to the dating world.


*That is totally and absolutely appropriate. And if the two of you do mutually decide that it's time for a relationship, for this early on in your relationship, as well as for the accompanying accoutrements, I'd heartily recommend some form of protection as well!*


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Why are people so afraid to bring this up and talk about it?

You're willing to let him stick his uncovered penis INSIDE of you, but you're too uncomfortable to bring up your feelings openly and honestly?

Just tell him exactly what you told us. Or wait until you know you WANT to have sex with him so you don't spook him or let him get his hopes up. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

COguy said:


> Why are people so afraid to bring this up and talk about it?
> 
> You're willing to let him stick his uncovered penis INSIDE of you, but you're too uncomfortable to bring up your feelings openly and honestly?
> 
> Just tell him exactly what you told us. Or wait until you know you WANT to have sex with him so you don't spook him or let him get his hopes up. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.


Where did I say I would let him stick his "uncovered" penis in me?? No way will I do it without protection. Even using protection I am still not into him sleeping with others and me. Hence, the need for exclusivity.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

Wow, this has gotten WAY off track! Tell him what you told us......that you will only have sex in a committed relationship.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> Where did I say I would let him stick his "uncovered" penis in me?? No way will I do it without protection. Even using protection I am still not into him sleeping with others and me. Hence, the need for exclusivity.


Oh he's wearing a condom? OK, then it totally makes sense that you can't talk to him about it. Carry on.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Three dates is pretty early and and still time to be "feeling each other up."


I fixed that for you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

COguy said:


> Just tell him exactly what you told us. Or wait until you know you WANT to have sex with him so you don't spook him or let him get his hopes up. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.


yes just tell him like you told us, there is the probability that he is just looking sex and maybe he will not be happy about it,but that is how things are when dating people we meet online, you never know if they are as good as they seem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> Oh he's wearing a condom? OK, then it totally makes sense that you can't talk to him about it. Carry on.





Dr. Rockstar said:


> *Three dates is pretty early and and still time to be "feeling each other up."*
> 
> I fixed that for you.


Haha. I love you guys :rofl:


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> No, no, no! I'm not thinking of having sex with him now! No way. Way too soon for me. But I feel it may be headed in that direction.


What signals gives you the feeling about the direction the relationship is heading?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

drerio said:


> What signals gives you the feeling about the direction the relationship is heading?


Heavy make out sessions.. I know there's a builup to sex. At least for me .. but I think we get a bit too into it with the kissing.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Heavy make out sessions.. I know there's a builup to sex. *At least for me* .. but I think we get a bit too into it with the kissing.


Not sure you need a man's thoughts on this matter. You appear conflicted, I understand. As man, if I were him I would feel about where you are and thus, it is time to talk. If he is not interested in talking about it, then it tells me where his maturity level is at you should heed the caution. On the other hand, if he is willing to talk about it, great. I know it is hard, but find a way to slow down and communicate. So important to communicate at this stage. I wish you the best.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is why I think it's best to be friends 1st.. this is so backwards in today's society though... if you can make out heavily...you can get your feelings out...and see what he has to say... why is this difficult? 

Is it a fear he will leave, not want to be exclusive? As you get to know each other more emotionally, this conversation won't be so awkward.. so put on the brakes and take time for communication.. as it sounds it is needed... 

Get off the "making out" couch (I am assuming)... ..take a long walk together... ask each other questions... take time ...slow down... see what each other is all about..where your lives are going , what each is looking for...


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

If he wouldn't agree to it, is he the kind of man you want?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

whathappenedtome said:


> If he wouldn't agree to it, is he the kind of man you want?


No. I've already told him I'm not getting intimate until I know him better and am comfortable, however, I didn't say we needed to be exclusive first. I will discuss this with him on our date Friday. It's not hard for me to discuss sex I guess I'm afraid to bring up being exclusive. The worst that can happen is he says he still wants to date others and we don't have sex. No big deal I guess. When I date someone I like to only focus on them but maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. We're all different.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think you need to bring it up specifically on a date, I think it's fine to wait until the moment presents itself naturally. Perhaps don't let things get too passionate before you tell him though.

A flirty "phew! we better stop this before it goes too far.." he'll ask why and then you say "I only have sex in an exclusive relationship".

Easy peasy.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I like your plan woman. Stick with it!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Do I tell him I don't want to get physical unless we are exclusive? New to the dating world.


Yes.

It's _your_ body , _your_ life , _your_ emotions , _your _rules and _your_ decision.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> . Do I tell him I don't want to get physical unless we are exclusive? New to the dating world.


If by new, you mean completely new and, as your name suggests, you are maybe only 17 years old, then my answer is to wait until long after you have gone exclusive.

How old is he? If he is your age, he is too young in my opinion and if he is a lot older then you may well be out of your depth.

Good luck.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

tryingtobebetter said:


> If by new, you mean completely new and, as your name suggests, you are maybe only 17 years old, then my answer is to wait until long after you have gone exclusive.
> 
> How old is he? If he is your age, he is too young in my opinion and if he is a lot older then you may well be out of your depth.
> 
> Good luck.


I'm 43. He's 44. By new I meant because I recently got divorced.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Yes.
> 
> It's _your_ body , _your_ life , _your_ emotions , _your _rules and _your_ decision.


:iagree: And if he cant stay around until your ready, then he's not worth the time to be around anyway.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Everything is your choice. If you say NO the it means NO. You met online and you really have not been out except for a few dates and intimacy is much more then him spending a couple of bucks. If you still have your stuff online it does not sound like you are interested in a commitment yet so why rush it. 
In short, if you two are having fun then enjoy but don't rush into intimacy or allow yourself to be pressured into it before your ready.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

KAM1959 said:


> Everything is your choice. If you say NO the it means NO. You met online and you really have not been out except for a few dates and intimacy is much more then him spending a couple of bucks. If you still have your stuff online it does not sound like you are interested in a commitment yet so why rush it.
> In short, if you two are having fun then enjoy but don't rush into intimacy or allow yourself to be pressured into it before your ready.


I would be interested in only focusing on him and haven't taken my profile dowm because he hasn't. The fact that he hasn't or hasn't brought the subject up of taking them down is very telling. I am going to cool the make out sessions and just tell him my feelings. I guess I don't want to look as if I'm trying to push him into exclusivity. I mean, considering he hasn't said anything about it to me means he obviously doesn't care if I'm seeing/sleeping with others.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

The more I think about this the more I feel totally within my right to tell him I will not sleep with him if he is dating others. I mean, say I sleep with him and then he sleeps with the other girl the next night and then with me days later. That’s gross. And I care too much about myself to do that. I deserve to be the only one.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> I mean, considering he hasn't said anything about it to me means he obviously doesn't care if I'm seeing/sleeping with others.


Hi Kimberley - I totally understand where you're coming from - however, re the above, you don't know this for a fact yet - he may be thinking the same thing as you and wondering if you are seeing other guys.

Cut the guy some slack until you've had an upfront, honest conversation. If it turns out he's just after one thing, then fair enough, you've found out early and can move on without wasting time on him. Have the conversation first before jumping to conclusions. 

I know you're a little fearful of not wanting to sound like you're putting pressure on him but all the while you're building up the physical side of things you have every right to know where you both stand (and don't need to be apologetic about it either).

Good luck


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

PS, I wouldn't even be kissing the guy passionately if he were dating other women...(let alone having sex  ) otherwise the passion/kissing is more driven by lust than as a result of mutual respect and emotional connection.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Kimberley17 said:


> I would be interested in only focusing on him and haven't taken my profile dowm because he hasn't. The fact that he hasn't or hasn't brought the subject up of taking them down is very telling. I am going to cool the make out sessions and just tell him my feelings. I guess I don't want to look as if I'm trying to push him into exclusivity. I mean, considering he hasn't said anything about it to me means he obviously doesn't care if I'm seeing/sleeping with others.


I might have a different take on this than most. You are both 'middle aged' people. I don't know what kind of baggage either of you have, but I am guessing you both have some.

My current issue with my wife is that I don't feel she is 'into me' like she was early in our marriage. I feel like she uses 'sex' as a tool. If I do this and this and this, then maybe she won't reject me. It has never been said, but it is how I feel. I want her to want me and to have sex with me because she is into me and cares about me.

I totally agree that you have every right to decide who does what with your body. You can and should talk to him about it.

But for me, I might take it as a sign that you aren't into me. Because of 'my baggage'. After a few dates, if the feelings and emotion and passion are there, I would probably expect it to happen. Three dates is early, but if heavy makeout sessions have already been involved then he will be expecting more fairly soon. 

This coming from a guy that hasn't dated in 30 years though.

Depending on his 'baggage' he might not take your ultimatum (no nooky until exclusive) so well. He might think of it as the first of many hoops he will have to jump through. If he is seeing others he might lean towards someone that is more 'into him'.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> The more I think about this the more I feel totally within my right to tell him I will not sleep with him if he is dating others. *I mean, say I sleep with him and then he sleeps with the other girl the next night and then with me days later. That’s gross.* And I care too much about myself to do that. I deserve to be the only one.


That's the name of the game, have sex with as many women as possible, without any strings attached. Certainly some women are interested in that , but apparently you are uncomfortable with the idea.

I think you're doing the responsible mature thing , by taking matters into your own hands. It's up to you to determine if you want potentially more from a relationship with this guy or just casual sex.

Never leave things up to chance especially when the evidence is clear.

His profile is still up on the dating site.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I might have a different take on this than most. You are both 'middle aged' people. I don't know what kind of baggage either of you have, but I am guessing you both have some.
> 
> My current issue with my wife is that I don't feel she is 'into me' like she was early in our marriage. I feel like she uses 'sex' as a tool. If I do this and this and this, then maybe she won't reject me. It has never been said, but it is how I feel. I want her to want me and to have sex with me because she is into me and cares about me.
> 
> ...


Define baggage? I am very into him and I think he can tell that by how we carry on, however, I am not sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others. It's not an ultimatum at all. I just want to let him know how I'm thinking so he can decide if that's for him. If not, we can both move on. he claims he wants a relationship and not just sex. For goodness sake, it's going to be only 3 dates. It's not as if we've been dating for months. We just have very strong chemistry and it feels to be heading that way so I want to be open and upfront with his is all.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> That's the name of the game, have sex with as many women as possible, without any strings attached. Certainly some women are interested in that , but apparently you are uncomfortable with the idea.
> 
> I think you're doing the responsible mature thing , by taking matters into your own hands. It's up to you to determine if you want potentially more from a relationship with this guy or just casual sex.
> 
> ...


And if that's what he wants great, it's just not going to be with me.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Ellie5 said:


> Hi Kimberley - I totally understand where you're coming from - however, re the above, you don't know this for a fact yet - he may be thinking the same thing as you and wondering if you are seeing other guys.
> 
> Cut the guy some slack until you've had an upfront, honest conversation. If it turns out he's just after one thing, then fair enough, you've found out early and can move on without wasting time on him. Have the conversation first before jumping to conclusions.
> 
> ...


I agree! Thank you !


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Kimberley17 said:


> Define baggage? I am very into him and I think he can tell that by how we carry on, however, I am not sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others. It's not an ultimatum at all. I just want to let him know how I'm thinking so he can decide if that's for him. If not, we can both move on. he claims he wants a relationship and not just sex. For goodness sake, it's going to be only 3 dates. It's not as if we've been dating for months. We just have very strong chemistry and it feels to be heading that way so I want to be open and upfront with his is all.


The baggage was what I described. If he left a relationship because of rejection, then he might take your views on exclusivity/sex as being rejected.

If he knows and feels the strong chemistry, then he should have no problem waiting. 

Three dates is early for sex. It is also early to declare exclusivity.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> The baggage was what I described. If he left a relationship because of rejection, then he might take your views on exclusivity/sex as being rejected.
> 
> If he knows and feels the strong chemistry, then he should have no problem waiting.
> 
> Three dates is early for sex. It is also early to declare exclusivity.


His marriage didn't end for that reason. Plus, I'm not rejecting him. I don't owe him sex. I would love to share that with him when the time is right. I just am not comfortable being intimate with him if he is being intimate woth others. I'm sorry you have a hard time understanding that.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> No. I've already told him I'm not getting intimate until I know him better and am comfortable, however, I didn't say we needed to be exclusive first. I will discuss this with him on our date Friday. It's not hard for me to discuss sex I guess I'm afraid to bring up being exclusive. The worst that can happen is he says he still wants to date others and we don't have sex. No big deal I guess. When I date someone I like to only focus on them but maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. We're all different.


I think it's fine that you tell him you want to be exclusive before being intimate. But I think it's a tad premature if you're expecting him to be exclusive at this point. You said it above that you need to get to know him better and be more comfortable. He probably needs to do the same with you before committing to be exclusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

There is nothing wrong with telling him 'you are not that kind of girl;' however, the intense make out sessions have to stop if that's going to be your intention. He's most likely under the impression - that any minute you two are going to have sex - because that is how guys think. If anything, you are teasing him.

But, if he still has a profile and still checks it - he is (1) talking to other women still and (2) looking at new profiles. 

These websites are not that serious, depending on the one it is. I have buddies that use some of those sites and they said the divorcees are the easiest. Normally, they bounce around from woman to woman (because there are SO many) until they fall for a woman that sticks out from the rest of them.


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