# Can't believe I'm still living in this nightmare



## MovingOn19 (Oct 26, 2020)

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just a place to vent, but if you manage to read my rant in its entirety, and feel like sharing your thoughts, they are greatly appreciated. 

Quick summary of my experience so far. My former husband (FH) and I separated in May of 2015, divorced July 2019. It was a long drawn out battle over everything. First two years my FH kept trying to reconcile and refused to cooperate in getting the separation agreement finalized. Then he wanted sole custody of the kids, child support, spousal support, the matrimonial home to be sold etc etc. In the end, after many court dates with custody experts getting involved, through mediation we were able to settle. I have sole custody, he has (had) access, he was ordered to pay child support and I bought him out of the matrimonial home. We also agreed to work with a family reunification therapist which was supposed to help us move past all the conflict so we could begin to co-parent and begin to form a healthy new dynamic. In order to allow this to happen, I also agreed to postpone requesting approval for relocation to where my family lives (about 5 hours away from where we live now) until 2021. 

I had so hoped that the fact we were able to settle (even the mediator was shocked that we settled) meant that my FH was finally ready to stop fighting and move on. However, almost from the start he didn't live up to his side of the agreement. Although he was ordered to begin paying child support as of March 1st, he did not make a single payment until the end of October, and only did so because he was about to lose his license. He also refused to actively participate in the therapy and tried on more than one occasion to "fire" the therapist. He took me to court for contempt after I held back access while Child Protective Services investigated him for drinking and driving while the kids were in the car (after my kids made a spontaneous disclosure in front of me and the therapist). He lost the contempt motion and my counter-motion resulted in that is he was ordered to pay his section 7 expenses (which he had been refusing to do), as well as to force him to sign the forms needed for me to travel with the kids outside the country. 

What also came out as part of that whole mess, was that he also wanted to me to agree to reduce the percentage of section 7 expense he was responsible for. The reason for this was due his unemployment since 2018 and he was unable to find a new job. This was news to me as on his affidavit he submitted as part of our mediation for the separation agreement he stated was employed and had been since 2016. He listed the names of his employers, stated that he was strictly commission based and included as part of his affidavit that with the proceeds from the matrimonial home, he was going to buy a home in the town in which we live, as not only could he be closer to our kids but was also convenient because it would bring him closer to work. 

As soon as I realized he had lied on his affidavit, I started looking into what recourse I could take, as I could see the writing on the wall. I had paid him out with the understanding that he would live up to his commitment of paying child support. I did this in good confidence as he disclosed during the mediation that 2019 was looking like a very good year for him from a commission standpoint. Now knowing that he wasn't in fact employed, I'm fairly certain he never had any intention of paying child support. There is an enforcement agency where I live but they are largely ineffective (especially if they can't garnish wages), and especially during COVID, they aren't taking any "harsh" measures. 

Due to my FH actions during COVID (refusing to follow the quarantine act, refusing to communicate with me and just a general lack of good judgement), our family therapist has recommended that my FH access be supervised. Because of this and because of my FH refusal to pay any child support or section 7 expenses, I am now having to go to arbitration to revise our final agreement. 

Throwing it out there...has anyone ever had to change their separation agreement - especially around support issues? I plan on asking for a lump sum in lieu of future child support payments. Even though he's not employed, he does have considerable assets (both from the buyout and his retirement savings). Is it foolish of me to think that this will be granted? He's shown over the past 18 months he will only pay child support when forced (currently owes me over $10k) yet I know he has the means to pay it. When he was employed, he pulled in a 6 figure salary. He claims that his anxiety prevents him from working, yet has nothing to back that up (application for disability benefits as example). It's been 5 years of constant battling and I'm just honestly coming to my wits end. 

So that's the end of my rant. If you've read this far - thank you! If you have any words of wisdom or have had a similar experience, I would love it to hear anything you want to share.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you can afford it I would take the children and move back to your family asap, have a fresh start. Presumably you can carry on fighting from there if you choose to?


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If you can afford it I would take the children and move back to your family asap, Have a fresh start.


This is BAD advice. 

Op, the answer to your question depends on the jurisdiction. 

My advice is to get a family law attorney. I’m in the law field, but I don’t know where you live, so I can’t answer your question. 


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You must not be in the US or his child custody would automatically come from whatever income he did have and be sent to you without any back and forth between you about it. And if you didn't have any income he'd soon go to jail. 

You need to find out from the courts what your recourse is. Maybe they need to just put him in jail and you get all his assets that he still has to make up for his lack of child support. I don't know because it depends where you're at and what the laws are. but you're going to have to keep going after him and you're going to have to keep in mind that if you have to spend too much on attorneys which is what he's banking on that you'll never get enough back from him to pay for that. Lots of men do that. They just want you to give up. You should have some way of appealing to the court about this. If you don't want to get another attorney because of the expense then call the court clerk or equivalent but the Court's office for whatever family Court laid the stipulations out or sent you to the mediator. You can go to court when the mediation agreements are not met in most places because that's the whole purpose of it is for them to agree voluntarily instead of going to court. But if one person doesn't hold up the agreement then you go to court. So call your court there whoever handles family law or whoever sent you to mediation and ask them what to do


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> This is BAD advice.
> 
> Op, the answer to your question depends on the jurisdiction.
> 
> ...


The OP said this
He lost the contempt motion and my counter-motion resulted in that is he was ordered to pay his section 7 expenses (which he had been refusing to do), as well as to force him to sign the forms needed for me to travel with the kids outside the country. 

Therefore she is free to leave.


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## MovingOn19 (Oct 26, 2020)

Hi there...sorry a couple of points to clarify:
1) I'm in Canada (Ontario specifically)
2) When I received permission to travel...that was for a vacation that my FH was trying to block. 
3) I do have a lawyer who will help me with the arbitration side of things. I am trying to take the legal route of getting permission to relocate, but to be honest the fact that I even have to jump through all these hoops at this point is frustrating beyond belief. 

I know there have been cases where a parent has been jailed for not paying, but my understanding is that those are extreme cases..which mine probably wouldn't be considered. Has anyone ever heard of a lump sum being awarded as opposed to ongoing payments?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MovingOn19 said:


> Hi there...sorry a couple of points to clarify:
> 1) I'm in Canada (Ontario specifically)
> 2) When I received permission to travel...that was for a vacation that my FH was trying to block.
> 3) I do have a lawyer who will help me with the arbitration side of things. I am trying to take the legal route of getting permission to relocate, but to be honest the fact that I even have to jump through all these hoops at this point is frustrating beyond belief.
> ...


I hope you manage to get permission to move. He sounds as if he is just being completely obstructive no matter what, just to make life hard for you.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> The OP said this
> He lost the contempt motion and my counter-motion resulted in that is he was ordered to pay his section 7 expenses (which he had been refusing to do), as well as to force him to sign the forms needed for me to travel with the kids outside the country.
> 
> Therefore she is free to leave.


Being allowed to travel with her children DOESN’T equal being allowed to RELOCATE. 


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

MovingOn19 said:


> ...
> 
> Throwing it out there...has anyone ever had to change their separation agreement - especially around support issues? I plan on asking for a lump sum in lieu of future child support payments. Even though he's not employed, he does have considerable assets (both from the buyout and his retirement savings). Is it foolish of me to think that this will be granted? ...
> 
> ...


I assume you have an attorney? If not, this is a question for them. 

I hope you've documented your husband's bad faith actions throughout all this. FWIW my understanding is that courts do not want to see people in them, over and over again, so to the extent you (or your attorney) can convey that you're seeking to change things to make them more final, and take away your ex's ability to continue to screw with you, they'd be more likely to grant your motion. 

e.g. a one-time lump sum and a full release of future claims resolves things better than monthly payments that he can avoid making. 

After reading all this, kinda makes me laugh at the guys who post here that complain men always get shafted by divorce courts...


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

MovingOn19 said:


> Hi there...sorry a couple of points to clarify:
> 1) I'm in Canada (Ontario specifically)
> 2) When I received permission to travel...that was for a vacation that my FH was trying to block.
> 3) I do have a lawyer who will help me with the arbitration side of things. I am trying to take the legal route of getting permission to relocate, but to be honest the fact that I even have to jump through all these hoops at this point is frustrating beyond belief.
> ...


I’m not familiar with Canadian laws. I found this website Support Payments - Canada.ca. It might be helpful for you. 

From my limited knowledge, a court would award a lump for past due child support, but they wouldn’t allow one for ongoing payment. But again it might be different in Canada. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> Being allowed to travel with her children DOESN’T equal being allowed to RELOCATE.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I didnt know at the time that it was just for travel.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TomNebraska said:


> I assume you have an attorney? If not, this is a question for them.
> 
> I hope you've documented your husband's bad faith actions throughout all this. FWIW my understanding is that courts do not want to see people in them, over and over again, so to the extent you (or your attorney) can convey that you're seeking to change things to make them more final, and take away your ex's ability to continue to screw with you, they'd be more likely to grant your motion.
> 
> ...


Agreed, it happens on both sides.


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