# "R" motivation.



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

This is the thread to give the reasons WHY you are in reconciliation. How honest can you be? How many of you can truly say that you are "in love" with your spouse, or .....are there other considerations? WS and BS both welcome.:smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Eighteen out of twenty one years of my marriage was a reconciliation, and it was all a lie. 

What's this obsession with R Rookie?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Why do you keep starting threads asking people questions only to spend the rest of the time telling them how wrong they are and that they don't get it? Is this productive somehow in your own search for peace? I have no problem with the threads but why pose a question? Write it more as a declaration defiantly stating your beliefs and then we will all know the right way to live.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Eighteen out of twenty one years of my marriage was a reconciliation, and it was all a lie.
> 
> What's this obsession with R Rookie?


Because I no longer believe in it, anymore, Bandit. But I'm open to differences of opinion.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> Why do you keep starting threads asking people questions only to spend the rest of the time telling them how wrong they are and that they don't get it? Is this productive somehow in your own search for peace? I have no problem with the threads but why pose a question? Write it more as a declaration defiantly stating your beliefs and then we will all know the right way to live.


Why do you think that my asking questions, implies agreement? Just because I ask a question, doesn't mean I am satisfied with the answer. I start my posts to get people to think. And I'm also interested in people's stories. So, what is your reason for reconciling?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Infidelity is enabled by characterological deficits. Chump Lady has this correctly nailed. Some WS also suffer from neurotic issues at same time. I think the big error in R is discounting the character issues. The decision to R should be based on the willingness AND ability of a WS to address characterological and any neurotic issues. Basically, you desire the WS to grow. A remorseful WS willing to work on these issues may deserve a chance at R. It's a long haul, and a rough ride. I am 2.5 yrs into R and my marriage improves to the extent my WS and I continue to grow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

My motivations for attempting to reconcile , primarily had to do with my ex wife's turn around. But I admit that my natural desire to have peace in my family , also played it's part.
Most older posters know my story and it's there for anyone else to see, so I won't tell it all.
My wife, as soon as she realized that I was going to divorce her, began intensive IC, and made wonderful progress. She is no longer the angry, selfish , hardcase, that she used to be. She knows what her issues are, and how to deal with them , effectively. After talking to her, a lot, (with a LOT of hysterical bonding, too) I guess that I thought it was worth a try.
The reconciliation made everybody happy, even, at first, me too. My wife got her husband back, her integrity back and her family back. My kids got their parents back together, and the rest of both families got a happy ending to a family crisis. Trouble was, I wasn't QUITE as happy as everybody else. At first, sure, I was glad to see my kids happy and I was proud of my wife's accomplishments, and the sex and romance was off the chart. With all of that positive energy, you would think that it was a sure thing. But, it wasn't.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I attempted to R for two years. I did it because I knew I wasn't perfect either. It woke me up to some things in myself that I didn't like. 

I was also afraid. How could I divorce and stay afloat financially. I was already treading water after the housing market collapse and being stuck with a second home that is worth far less than I owe. 

So, I gave R a chance and started working on me. I tried to show my WW by example how to better yourself and put the marriage first. 

Unfortunately she had much more hidden than I knew. And was deceiving me, her therapists and probably even herself.

Once more evidence came to light I knew there was no longer a marriage to put first. After Dday 2 i executed my planned divorce swiftly and aggressively. I had to, for both my sanity and my WW's. 

You might say I tried to R out of fear, but D because of love. I took very good care of my ex in the D. If she winds up destitute and alone, it's because she can't do alone what she couldn't do in the marriage. Fix herself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Rookie,

I subspect that you really do know what you want, but on some level your harbor in this guilt that if you divorce you will be seen as the bad guy by others even though you never asked for this to happen to you. All these threads are an mental excerize of either validation or self abuse. In the end, regardless what is written here you need to do that will bring you the peace you need to move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I still loved my wife. Still do. Also I had made a promise (not to my wife) to always be there to look after her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Xenote said:


> Rookie,
> 
> I subspect that you really do know what you want, but on some level your harbor in this guilt that if you divorce you will be seen as the bad guy by others even though you never asked for this to happen to you. All these threads are an mental excerize of either validation or self abuse. In the end, regardless what is written here you need to do that will bring you the peace you need to move on.


You really need to know my story, before you comment on my situation. I've been divorced for almost 4 years.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The reasons for R are as complicated as the reasons my WW cheated.
I was always one of the ones who said that cheating world be a deal breaker it, never even occurred to me that someone would R when their spouse cheated. All the guys I knew whose wives had cheated, divorced them.

The main question was: who was the real person, the wife who cheated on me or the wife I have now and the wife I married? I truly believe that the wife I have now is the real person and the one that cheated was someone she really wasn't. Lots of backstory and extuenting circumstances, we've been married for 35 years and I was a functional alcoholic for most of that time. No reason for her to cheat, but she forgave me for all the crap I put her through and gave me a second chance, so I felt like she deserved the same chance.. 

I hurt her a lot and she hurt me a lot over the last 3 and a 1/2 decades, but the main reason I'm still with her is I love her and I'm 100% sure she loves me. I don't recommend R to anyone, I just think it should be an option but it won't work for a lot of people and it's definitely not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I spent time in three war zones. It's been two years and I would give it a 90% chance of success but only time will tell.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I still loved my wife. Still do. Also I had made a promise (not to my wife) to always be there to look after her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 This is one of the major issues I face, as well. I really want to help her, but every action I take to do so, she interprets as meaning that I still care for her. So, sometimes it's best to show LESS concern than you really feel.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Acoa said:


> I attempted to R for two years. I did it because I knew I wasn't perfect either. It woke me up to some things in myself that I didn't like.
> 
> I was also afraid. How could I divorce and stay afloat financially. I was already treading water after the housing market collapse and being stuck with a second home that is worth far less than I owe.
> 
> ...


In my situation, Acoa, my ex didn't lie, and did everything she could to make R work, but it didn't because I found somebody new. Do you think that if your wife had done the same, you would still be together?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> The reasons for R are as complicated as the reasons my WW cheated.
> I was always one of the ones who said that cheating world be a deal breaker it, never even occurred to me that someone would R when their spouse cheated. All the guys I knew whose wives had cheated, divorced them.
> 
> The main question was: who was the real person, the wife who cheated on me or the wife I have now and the wife I married? I truly believe that the wife I have now is the real person and the one that cheated was someone she really wasn't. Lots of backstory and extuenting circumstances, we've been married for 35 years and I was a functional alcoholic for most of that time. No reason for her to cheat, but she forgave me for all the crap I put her through and gave me a second chance, so I felt like she deserved the same chance..
> ...


So , Harry, are you reconciling due to a sense of fair play? Because she forgave you, does that mean you HAVE to return the favor?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> In my situation, Acoa, my ex didn't lie, and did everything she could to make R work, but it didn't because I found somebody new. Do you think that if your wife had done the same, you would still be together?




Yes, if she had been honest, and recommitted herself to the marriage things would have been difficult, but we would still be together.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Eighteen out of twenty one years of my marriage was a reconciliation, and it was all a lie.
> 
> What's this obsession with R Rookie?




ONE MORE TIME ....Its not so much the act itself...its the LIES,DECEIT and Betrayal that the BS feels regardless of the time frame involved...and that from that day forward you come to realize that your entire marriage was built on LIES...and the person who you thought you knew and trusted is a IMPOSTER and the doubt ,self esteem issues and the never ending ANXIETY that starts and NEVER EVER LEAVES...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I married in 1967, I felt it would be forever. DD1 occurred about 15 years into the marriage. My first thought was to divorce him. My next thought was my almost-teenage son. I felt he was better off with his parents together and so I stayed. 

Fast forward about 30 years to DD2 when I discovered my husband again in an affair with his AP from three decades ago. When I told my now middle-aged son I was getting a divorce, his response was that I should have done it 30 years ago and not now and that he wasn't at all glad I had stayed then. 

So am I a supporter of R? In rare circumstances I am, become some do work, but in general I am not. And I certainly no longer support staying because you don't want your child to see his parents split up. My son disliked my divorce at 66 far more than he would have disliked it at 36 because he has worried more about me now than he would have then.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> This is one of the major issues I face, as well. I really want to help her, but every action I take to do so, she interprets as meaning that I still care for her. So, sometimes it's best to show LESS concern than you really feel.


That's the difference. I still care deeply for my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

R is based on the ability to suppress ones thoughts to the situation as they will never go away, ever. It is traumatic and unlike other trauma's that happen in life they need not be drawn out of ones memory. It, or they, are always there and in time, and with extreme due diligence from the former WS can this memory be suppressed to the point of tolerance. 

Most people try to recon due to fear of losing. Maybe not their partner, or children, but their reality. Their way of life that once was, the echo that tells them that maybe, just maybe, there is a chance. Sadly, that life is dead but a similar one can be forged from the fallout of the affair. It can't be mailed in, or phoned in. The effort must be genuine. I, like bandit, came to reflect that the majority of my marriage and relationship overall to my wife, and even when she was my GF, was indeed a lie. 

When she took off the mask the first time it was a misunderstanding, her just writing down some thoughts. The second time she was remorseful on the surface, and not until years later did I discover how ruthless behind the scenes she actually was and she still to this day, even with some overwhelming evidence will still not admit to sleeping with a guy during this affair during the one, supposed, time she spent the DAY with him..... And then this, when she became mean, spiteful and just plain nasty. I tried to recon for the family, for me and for her as I was weak at the time and thought maybe she did have a point. Had I not challenged anything I'd, like the last 2 times, would have been vulnerable to the women and whatever plans she wanted to exact on me.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> So , Harry, are you reconciling due to a sense of fair play? Because she forgave you, does that mean you HAVE to return the favor?


First of all don't confuse forgiveness with reconciling. You can forgive someone and still walk away. I forgave her because I wanted to and because she asked me to. 
I reconciled with her because I believe she has changed and still loves me. AND 35 years is a lot to throw away without at least trying.

Like I said at the beginning of my post, it's real complicated. I don't believe any of my past actions justified her cheating, but they sure were a factor. The reason I took her back was because I still love her and she has done everything I have asked her to do. Her cheating on me has kind of erased her "forgiveness" of me, I mean you can't tell somebody you forgive them and take them back and then go cheat on them, that's not forgiveness. But once I made up my mind to forgive her, I decided I wouldn't do the same thing and hold any resentment inside like she did. Believe me, my ww knows how I'm feeling, if this doesn't work out she'll be the first to know, not some other woman.

I expected her to eventually let the past go because I was doing everything I could to make up for my past actions, and it seems like she finally has. So as long as she continues to do what she's doing, I'll try and forget her past. It ain't happened yet, but I'm working on it.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> ONE MORE TIME ....Its not so much the act itself...its the LIES,DECEIT and Betrayal that the BS feels regardless of the time frame involved...and that from that day forward you come to realize that your entire marriage was built on LIES...and the person who you thought you knew and trusted is a IMPOSTER and the doubt ,self esteem issues and the never ending ANXIETY that starts and NEVER EVER LEAVES...


Other posters have a different opinion.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's the difference. I still care deeply for my wife.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You can care for someone and still not reconcile. I say that not to dismiss your feelings, just to point out that sometimes the best thing you can do is set them free.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> First of all don't confuse forgiveness with reconciling. You can forgive someone and still walk away. I forgave her because I wanted to and because she asked me to.
> I reconciled with her because I believe she has changed and still loves me. AND 35 years is a lot to throw away without at least trying.
> 
> Like I said at the beginning of my post, it's real complicated. I don't believe any of my past actions justified her cheating, but they sure were a factor. The reason I took her back was because I still love her and she has done everything I have asked her to do. Her cheating on me has kind of erased her "forgiveness" of me, I mean you can't tell somebody you forgive them and take them back and then go cheat on them, that's not forgiveness. But once I made up my mind to forgive her, I decided I wouldn't do the same thing and hold any resentment inside like she did. Believe me, my ww knows how I'm feeling, if this doesn't work out she'll be the first to know, not some other woman.
> ...


My advice is to work on yourself, and your issues, and don't even try to forget the past, because it is impossible , so it's a waste of effort.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> My motivations for attempting to reconcile , primarily had to do with my ex wife's turn around. But I admit that my natural desire to have peace in my family , also played it's part.
> Most older posters know my story and it's there for anyone else to see, so I won't tell it all.
> My wife, as soon as she realized that I was going to divorce her, began intensive IC, and made wonderful progress. She is no longer the angry, selfish , hardcase, that she used to be. She knows what her issues are, and how to deal with them , effectively. After talking to her, a lot, (with a LOT of hysterical bonding, too) I guess that I thought it was worth a try.
> The reconciliation made everybody happy, even, at first, me too. My wife got her husband back, her integrity back and her family back. My kids got their parents back together, and the rest of both families got a happy ending to a family crisis. Trouble was, I wasn't QUITE as happy as everybody else. At first, sure, I was glad to see my kids happy and I was proud of my wife's accomplishments, and the sex and romance was off the chart. *With all of that positive energy, you would think that it was a sure thing. But, it wasn't*.




It sounds to me like you reconciled for all the wrong reasons your wife wanted it, your kids want it, friends and family wanted it but at what point did you really ask yourself did you wanted it. I have never been a fan or supporter of reconciliation never have never will but I would say that if you're going to make that decision then you do so because you want it 


Rookie how long have you been in R?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I reconciled because I truly believed my wife is a good person. I believe her drug addiction caused her to "lose" her mind. I know she cheated but for the sake of our small kids I decided to give her another chance. I'm glad I did as my kids appreciate having a complete family. Did it damage me....yes. Did it defeat me....no.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

I never planned on reconciling. I always thought cheating was an unforgivable offense and anyone who forgave a WS was nuts. 

My H and I met and married very young. We never established a good set of marital boundaries. We both fell into unhealthy patterns and our marriage started to suffer. None of us knew how to fix it (and of course once he started cheating things got even worse and there was nothing I could do to fix that, particularly since I was in the dark about it). I had suspicions about him for quite a while prior to D-Day but knew nothing about TAM so did the whole "soft confront" thing that we all know is a big waste of time. I just didn't believe he would actually ever cheat on me. 

I finally found concrete proof that he was in fact cheating and left him, telling him I was filing for divorce (and fully planning to follow through). His reaction was what surprised me though. I was prepared for a bunch of BS, gaslighting, rationalizing, lying, etc. But it wasn't like that at all. He begged me to meet him so he could tell me the full truth. And he did. Telling me things that I would have never known about. Things that made him look very bad. He answered every question I had, no matter how painful and embarrassing the answer. I never in a million years thought he would do this.

My decision to try to R had to do with the memories of the great love we once had. I knew I had made plenty of my own mistakes (none that justified his cheating of course, just saying that I certainly wasn't a perfect wife). I knew we both could have done a better job from the beginning of our marriage. I knew that he had a lot of good qualities, despite being a cheating husband. And he made me believe that he wanted to change and become a better man, and prove to me that if given the chance, he would be. 

I didn't stay because of fear. I didn't stay because I felt I had no choice. We have no kids. We both have good jobs. I have a supportive family. The only reason I was staying was because I felt like that there was something worth saving.

We are now over 1.5 years in and I can honestly say that our relationship now is better than it ever was, even in the beginning honeymoon stages. Things are completely different now, we established new rules, new boundaries and a COMPLETELY different marriage. HE is completely different, and has consistently been so this whole time. I wouldn't want to go back to our old marriage, because the way things are now is so much better. 

It really sucks that it took the discovery of his infidelity for us to finally repair our marriage, but it is what it is. We can't change the past, but we can change the future. 

R was the HARDEST thing I have ever done though. There is no sugar-coating it. I could never survive it again. The first 6 months was hell. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely function at work. I look back and have no idea how I even got through it. I would get triggered and completely freak out on him. I would constantly obsess over the OW. I would check up on him multiple times a day. And as time went on, the need to do so lessened. As time went on, the triggers subsided. As he continued to prove himself, my fears lessened. 

R is definitely not for everyone. It is extremely painful and difficult. And of course a very remorseful spouse is required to even consider it. But I feel it was the right decision for me. And I am glad I did so, even though I never in a million years thought I would.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I still loved my wife. Still do. Also I had made a promise (not to my wife) to always be there to look after her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


how interesting. I promised my x wife's father I would always look out for her and take care of her. I promised him on our wedding. He passed away while we were married. I never told my x wife this but I did share that with my x mother in law the very last time we spoke. I told her that her that her daughter just made it impossible for me to keep that promise. One of only two promises I broke in my entire life.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Laurel said:


> I never planned on reconciling. I always thought cheating was an unforgivable offense and anyone who forgave a WS was nuts................
> 
> ...........................R is definitely not for everyone. It is extremely painful and difficult. And of course a very remorseful spouse is required to even consider it. But I feel it was the right decision for me. And I am glad I did so, even though I never in a million years thought I would.


:iagree:

I was going to highlight all the things you wrote in your post that mirrored my experience with R but I don't have time, there's just too much. Excellent post, I wish I could have expressed it as well as you did, consider your whole post highlighted and undermined except for parts of your background.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> In my situation, Acoa, my ex didn't lie, and did everything she could to make R work, but it didn't because I found somebody new. Do you think that if your wife had done the same, you would still be together?


 Did you find somebody new while you was still married or was it after divorce?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

xakulax said:


> It sounds to me like you reconciled for all the wrong reasons your wife wanted it, your kids want it, friends and family wanted it but at what point did you really ask yourself did you wanted it. I have never been a fan or supporter of reconciliation never have never will but I would say that if you're going to make that decision then you do so because you want it
> 
> 
> Rookie how long have you been in R?


I'm not. We broke up a while ago.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

X-Betaman said:


> Did you find somebody new while you was still married or was it after divorce?


 I found LOTS of somebody news, after I kicked my wife out. But the one I'm with, happened 2 years after the divorce.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> But, it wasn't.


And way not ??? I believe in R so I want to know if every thing was going good way it wasn't


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> And way not ??? I believe in R so I want to know if every thing was going good way it wasn't


At first, I was happy, but I now know that I was happy because everybody else was, and I began to believe that our relationship was "meant to be" and also because of the immense amount of work my ex wife did to prove her love and honesty, impressed me. It still does. Plus a large amount of wonderful sex and companionship. But that wasn't the same thing as 'being in love" and I began to realize that my feelings for my ex were more of a FWB nature than that of a mate. I realized that I had broken up with the woman I was really in love with. I knew that while everybody was telling me how right it was, I was thinking how I had made a huge mistake.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> At first, I was happy, but I now know that I was happy because everybody else was, and I began to believe that our relationship was "meant to be" and also because of the immense amount of work my ex wife did to prove her love and honesty, impressed me. It still does. Plus a large amount of wonderful sex and companionship. But that wasn't the same thing as 'being in love" and I began to realize that my feelings for my ex were more of a FWB nature than that of a mate. I realized that I had broken up with the woman I was really in love with. I knew that while everybody was telling me how right it was, I was thinking how I had made a huge mistake.


Ok then here is another Quistion would you feel the same way about R with your wife if your girlfriend was not in the picture and you were completely single. I have read through your story kinda a quick. So I might be missing some info to make this assumption but from what I can gather you have put ALOTs of emphases on how great your sex, and romantic life had improved with your wife.
But you hardly ever talk about that with your girlfriend. It seems like your wife has changed her roll from wife to your lover.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> You really need to know my story, before you comment on my situation. I've been divorced for almost 4 years.


I read in TAM somewhere from you that you wished you would have handled things a little different in hindsight? Maybe took a little time before going straight to D?

I too believe you have some guilt, but you shouldn't.
I admire the guys and gals that handle the way you did.

My R fits with what Acoa said.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I think one of the factors that wasn't in your R Rookie was young kids. Breaking off the R didn't mean splitting young kids 50/50 or worse. (Your kids are older, right?)

It's a hard truth to admit for many, but it is a huge factor quite often.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

I have been in R for 5 years, I keep thinking that I am going to feel better about the marriage at some point, but when someone leaves you like he left me, I am not sure that the hurt ever goes away. One day everything is great, and then I can't sleep because I can't stand being in the same bed with him. I think R can work for some people, but it is not working out so well for me!


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> Ok then here is another Quistion would you feel the same way about R with your wife if your girlfriend was not in the picture and you were completely single. I have read through your story kinda a quick. So I might be missing some info to make this assumption but from what I can gather you have put ALOTs of emphases on how great your sex, and romantic life had improved with your wife.
> But you hardly ever talk about that with your girlfriend. It seems like your wife has changed her roll from wife to your lover.


Understand that I have no physical contact with my ex wife, whatsoever.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> Ok then here is another Quistion would you feel the same way about R with your wife if your girlfriend was not in the picture and you were completely single. I have read through your story kinda a quick. So I might be missing some info to make this assumption but from what I can gather you have put ALOTs of emphases on how great your sex, and romantic life had improved with your wife.
> But you hardly ever talk about that with your girlfriend. It seems like your wife has changed her roll from wife to your lover.


R will never take place.....period.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

convert said:


> I read in TAM somewhere from you that you wished you would have handled things a little different in hindsight? Maybe took a little time before going straight to D?
> 
> I too believe you have some guilt, but you shouldn't.
> I admire the guys and gals that handle the way you did.
> ...


I don't think guilt is the right word, Convert. I am SAD that my actions have hurt other people, but they were the correct actions to take. I had doubts, before, but now believe that my decision to immediately divorce was the correct one.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I think one of the factors that wasn't in your R Rookie was young kids. Breaking off the R didn't mean splitting young kids 50/50 or worse. (Your kids are older, right?)
> 
> It's a hard truth to admit for many, but it is a huge factor quite often.


Sure, Larry. I've come to the conclusion that most motivations to R have less to do with emotional issues, and more about pragmatic ones. How many times do we see R's attempted because of parental issues or financial issues or comfort issues, or loneliness issues.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

justforfun1222 said:


> I have been in R for 5 years, I keep thinking that I am going to feel better about the marriage at some point, but when someone leaves you like he left me, I am not sure that the hurt ever goes away. One day everything is great, and then I can't sleep because I can't stand being in the same bed with him. I think R can work for some people, but it is not working out so well for me!


This is why I question the value of R, and also pointed out the continued presence of the AP in the decision processes of the post affair marriage. It seems like the R never ends. Even in "successful" reconciliations, these issues are having to be dealt with , repeatedly , and constantly.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

justforfun1222 said:


> I have been in R for 5 years, I keep thinking that I am going to feel better about the marriage at some point, but when someone leaves you like he left me, I am not sure that the hurt ever goes away. One day everything is great, and then I can't sleep because I can't stand being in the same bed with him. I think R can work for some people, but it is not working out so well for me!


Rather than reconciliation, consider it a business relationship.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Give it a rest, Rookie4. Just because R wasn't for you doesn't mean no one else should attempt it.

And, as I pointed out in one of your other threads, your claim that the AP continues to be "present" in the lives of reconciling partners is just plain silly.

You seem like a smart guy. Surely you can find a better subject to occupy your thoughts. If not, if this really is an obsession as bandit.45 suggested, then get some help.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Give it a rest, Rookie4. Just because R wasn't for you doesn't mean no one else should attempt it.
> 
> And, as I pointed out in one of your other threads, your claim that the AP continues to be "present" in the lives of reconciling partners is just plain silly.
> 
> You seem like a smart guy. Surely you can find a better subject to occupy your thoughts. If not, if this really is an obsession as bandit.45 suggested, then get some help.


If you are tired of my thread, the answer is simple. Go elsewhere. I don't believe that anybody has forced you to come onto MY thread, did they? And I'm pretty sure that when I started it, I didn't say that the thread would only be open as long as Carmen Ohio wants it to. I did not ask you here, you came of your own free will. You can go the same way. But thank you for your thoughtful post.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Originally Posted by badkarma2013 View Post
ONE MORE TIME ....Its not so much the act itself...its the LIES,DECEIT and Betrayal that the BS feels regardless of the time frame involved...and that from that day forward you come to realize that your entire marriage was built on LIES...and the person who you thought you knew and trusted is a IMPOSTER and the doubt ,self esteem issues and the never ending ANXIETY that starts and NEVER EVER LEAVES...


Other posters have a different opinion.-Response from Rookie

***From your latter post Rookie...Apparently not you!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Rookie4 said:


> Sure, Larry. I've come to the conclusion that most motivations to R have less to do with emotional issues, and more about pragmatic ones. How many times do we see R's attempted because of parental issues or financial issues or comfort issues, or loneliness issues.


Plenty and the two can combine in the same R. My motivation was completely emotional. I found how much I loved my wife at the brink of losing her. The tangibles, kids, finances, hurting those around us, were certainly there but I really didn't worry about those much. The game plan was that if I could reconnect our mutual emotional bonds the rest would be fine.

From her standpoint, the tangibles were what kept her in the marriage during the early stages of R. She was already at the point of a WAW with an emotional tie to another man. And I had absolutely no problem with her "staying for the kids/money/stability. It held things together during a time when there wasn't much hope of R. It gave us time to stabilize and rebuild.

Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if you are going to try and achieve it you have to put everything into it that you have and leave nothing in the tank. If you can do that then you will likely walk away from it happier and emotionally healthier.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if you are going to try and achieve it you have to put everything into it that you have and leave nothing in the tank. If you can do that then you will likely walk away from it happier and emotionally healthier.


A most welcome paragraph. Thanks....


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Plenty and the two can combine in the same R. My motivation was completely emotional. I found how much I loved my wife at the brink of losing her. The tangibles, kids, finances, hurting those around us, were certainly there but I really didn't worry about those much. The game plan was that if I could reconnect our mutual emotional bonds the rest would be fine.
> 
> From her standpoint, the tangibles were what kept her in the marriage during the early stages of R. She was already at the point of a WAW with an emotional tie to another man. And I had absolutely no problem with her "staying for the kids/money/stability. It held things together during a time when there wasn't much hope of R. It gave us time to stabilize and rebuild.
> 
> Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if you are going to try and achieve it you have to put everything into it that you have and leave nothing in the tank. If you can do that then you will likely walk away from it happier and emotionally healthier.


I agree, with the caveat, that if you do put everything into R, and it does NOT work out, you would still walk away from it happier and healthier. The basic point is the same. The marriage , as it was, is finished, and the main concern should be the emotional wellbeing of both parties. The other considerations should be of secondary concern.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> Plenty and the two can combine in the same R. My motivation was completely emotional. I found how much I loved my wife at the brink of losing her. The tangibles, kids, finances, hurting those around us, were certainly there but I really didn't worry about those much. The game plan was that if I could reconnect our mutual emotional bonds the rest would be fine.
> 
> From her standpoint, the tangibles were what kept her in the marriage during the early stages of R. She was already at the point of a WAW with an emotional tie to another man. And I had absolutely no problem with her "staying for the kids/money/stability. It held things together during a time when there wasn't much hope of R. It gave us time to stabilize and rebuild.
> 
> Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if you are going to try and achieve it you have to put everything into it that you have and leave nothing in the tank. If you can do that then you will likely walk away from it happier and emotionally healthier.


 I mean no disrespect nor wish to come across as being antagonistic, but you succeeded by being plan B, at least from the sound of it. She stayed for the comfort, a synonym for convenience, of the finances, stability and children. Without other details I can also assume that she did not relent her emotional affair at your behest or for your emotional benefit. How you did not let this eat you alive is admirable to some while others would perceive this as the so called Beta, Door mat, Etc. 

You also admit that the children did indeed come second, as you said you did not worry too much about them, as well as the finances and other tangibles. Again, assuming here, but how much secondary or divided attention was given to your children during this endeavor. Were they somewhat ignored?

And your last paragraph is true, if the R works. But for those that DID put everything into the repair efforts and rebuilding of the marriage and still lost, yes it is not a game but it is still a loss, will feel even worse then when it first started.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> I mean no disrespect nor wish to come across as being antagonistic, but you succeeded by being plan B, at least from the sound of it. She stayed for the comfort, a synonym for convenience, of the finances, stability and children. Without other details I can also assume that she did not relent her emotional affair at your behest or for your emotional benefit. How you did not let this eat you alive is admirable to some while others would perceive this as the so called Beta, Door mat, Etc.
> 
> You also admit that the children did indeed come second, as you said you did not worry too much about them, as well as the finances and other tangibles. Again, assuming here, but how much secondary or divided attention was given to your children during this endeavor. Were they somewhat ignored?
> 
> And your last paragraph is true, if the R works. But for those that DID put everything into the repair efforts and rebuilding of the marriage and still lost, yes it is not a game but it is still a loss, will feel even worse then when it first started.


I'm not sure that I agree with you last statement, Joker. I think that if BOTH the BS and WS have given R their All, and it doesn't work out, then both can exit the marriage with a healthier frame of mind.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> I'm not sure that I agree with you last statement, Joker. I think that if BOTH the BS and WS have given R their All, and it doesn't work out, then both can exit the marriage with a healthier frame of mind.


 Per Amplexor;

"Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if *you* are going to try and achieve it *you *have to put everything into it that *you* have and leave nothing in the tank. If *you* can do that then *you* will likely walk away from it happier and emotionally healthier."

The focus of this paragraph is for an individual, not BOTH of the partners. Yes, I agree with you that if both do indeed put all in then either a fantastic, loving marriage can be attained or a respectful and mutual split with little to no bitterness and painlessness can be done with ease while also remaining friends. 

So while I applaud the hope, possibility and endurance to say that exhausting oneself to repair a relationship that has only one committed person and still not reach ones goal or even a comfort zone is completely depleting. Most people here warn of false R and the importance of not being a plan B, Beta, what have ya. I sincerely doubt anyone who went all in, emotionally, financially and physically and found their efforts for naught in lieu of another mans/woman's intrusion and influence, well, call me crazy, did not find solace or acceptance in this. Maybe afterward, but after so many lost years of not only the marriage but the after effects as well make it very difficult to accept much less feel good about.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if you are going to try and achieve it you have to put everything into it that you have and leave nothing in the tank. If you can do that then you will likely walk away from it happier and emotionally healthier.


I will qualify this statement as I believe it has been misinterpreted. 

Not everyone is built for R. Not every marriage or wayward deserves it. But if you are going to try and achieve it you have to put everything into it that you have and leave nothing in the tank. If you can do that then you will likely walk away from it *(the marriage)*happier and emotionally healthier.



IIJokerII said:


> I mean no disrespect nor wish to come across as being antagonistic, but you succeeded by being plan B, at least from the sound of it. She stayed for the comfort, a synonym for convenience, of the finances, stability and children. Without other details I can also assume that she did not relent her emotional affair at your behest or for your emotional benefit. How you did not let this eat you alive is admirable to some while others would perceive this as the so called Beta, Door mat, Etc.


No disrespect was taken. I didn't come out of the gate knowing how to handle this, who does? Yes, I went beta, yes I begged for her attention, approval and love. I even enabled her in her emotional affair. It is generally the path most newly betrayeds take. I completely lost myself, who I was, in hopes of recovery. I take no shame in it, it was part of a long learning process. With the advice I received here at TAM and a few good reads I understood that what my heart was telling me to do was the opposite of what I should be doing. Unfortunately it is something a lot of BSs never get and pay dearly. 

The EA ended on its own some months after D-Day but restarted a few months after that. By then, I had done all the improvements to myself I thought necessary and was emotionally ready to do what had to be done. A very calm but stern conversation. If the relationship with him did not end, I would end the marriage and fairly quickly. The next day I got on a plane for a conference for a few days. The EA was over shortly after my return. That was over six years ago.




IIJokerII said:


> You also admit that the children did indeed come second, as you said you did not worry too much about them, as well as the finances and other tangibles. Again, assuming here, but how much secondary or divided attention was given to your children during this endeavor. Were they somewhat ignored?


On the contrary, they did not come in second. When marriages get into the condition ours was, it is rarely one sided. There were issues on both sides. I looked at the three areas I felt I was lacking as a husband, father and man. One was in my involvement in the parenting of my sons. They received more of my attention during R then they had seen in a long time. It was driven by my desire to be a better father to them not to recover the marriage. It was part of an overall process to be a better man.

A final point for those attempting to R. Once you make the commitment to recover and change, those commitments are there for life. They are not there to temporarily breathe life into a corpse. My wife and I were successful because when we emerged from the recovery phase we both better understood what each needed in the marriage to be happy. We both committed to not let things slide back into the old model and when things have gotten off kilter a bit, we've addressed them quickly. We both went through far too much pain to let things slip away again.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Thank you to all who contributed to this thread and the healthy debate of the issue.


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