# newly married - sex 3 times in 6 months



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I posted this recently on another forum on this site, but am looking for advice from all. 

I have posted on here before about my marriage, but haven't posted for a few months. I feel like I am losing my mind and remembered how helpful it was to get my thoughts and feelings out by posting on this site. Sometimes it is hard to tell people that I know what is going on in my marriage. My mom and I are very close, but there are things I just don't know how to talk about to her. So, in advance, thanks for reading this.

My H and I got married this summer in July. We've been married now over 6 months. It hasn't been good since the beginning. Sure, we've had a few good times, but it just isn't a marriage. People try to tell me that it is hard the first year of a marriage, but I don't think it should be like this.

We've had sex 3 times since being married. THREE TIMES! And ONE of those times was on our honeymoon. Let me repeat....ONE! At first, it was because my H never initiated and I don't think he has a lot of confidence in himself. I tried to help him through this. I wanted to have sex with him. But, now, as things have gotten more and more stressed between us, I don't have any desire to be with him anymore. He still doesn't initiate, or touch me, or anything....but on my part, I probably wouldn't allow it anymore anyway. After this long, and after all the fighting, I don't have any desire left to be with him. We did talk about it a few times recently. I told him lots of things are going to have to change before I am going to feel sexually attracted to him again. I just don't have any desire to be with him - I feel like I have lost all attraction to him because of how everything has been for the past 6 months. How can I gain that attraction back?? Many nights, he gets upset at me about something, or is just in a bad mood, or we argue, and then he falls asleep on the couch. It used to really upset me that he couldn't get over anything and come to bed with me, but now I actually enjoy the nights that I get to sleep by myself! When he is in bed with me, I feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger.

I have fought with my H for months about opening up to me, and I guess this is what it has lead to. When he gets upset, he either clams up and pretends like nothing is wrong, or he explodes. He is now going to counseling for his anger, but I don't know if it is helping much. He also has 2 kids that he pretty much quit seeing the last few years. He has many hurt feelings about that as well, but won't talk about any of it, or do anything to make it better. He hadn't seen them since our wedding in July, and hadn't brought them out to visit since Christmas 2009. This Christmas he wanted them to come out and his ex was pretty ticked because he hadn't even called for months. She finally let him visit one day, and he acted like he was going to work on making things better with his kids, and he hasn't even called or seen them for another month. Now, he claims he can't afford to go see them, which is a bunch of crap because we are ok with our money. I know, because I make more than him at this point.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make this work. I feel like we are roommates. I have no desire to have children with this man anymore. I have no desire to have sex with this man anymore. And I don't know how to get that back or if it is even possible.

I'm not looking for answers from those of you who read this. Maybe advice. Maybe just want to know I'm not alone. But, mostly I just need to get my thoughts out.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I have fought with my H for months about opening up to me, and I guess this is what it has lead to. When he gets upset, he either clams up and pretends like nothing is wrong, or he explodes. He is now going to counseling for his anger, but I don't know if it is helping much. He also has 2 kids that he pretty much quit seeing the last few years. He has many hurt feelings about that as well, but won't talk about any of it, or do anything to make it better. He hadn't seen them since our wedding in July, and hadn't brought them out to visit since Christmas 2009. This Christmas he wanted them to come out and his ex was pretty ticked because he hadn't even called for months. She finally let him visit one day, and he acted like he was going to work on making things better with his kids, and he hasn't even called or seen them for another month. Now, he claims he can't afford to go see them, which is a bunch of crap because we are ok with our money. I know, because I make more than him at this point.


I am just wondering. . .what made you at all initially attracted to this guy?

I am not trying to steer the topic off course too much but as a divorced dad with 3 kids and dating moms with kids, I am always amazed at the number of fathers who just walk away with any meaningful parenting schedule (one woman has her ex-husband see them for 6 hours every Sunday). 

But the ironic thing is a lot of these men are in a situation where they are able to see them again - shared living expenses, good houses to live in.

What I find even more amazing is that the new woman in their lives just accept this as status quo.

Are women that selfish, that they are content to see a man walk away from their family and just be "theirs?" 

Why would you want to have kids/sex with a man like this who has the capability just drop his seed and leave? I don't mean anything snide by asking this - it's an honest question - something must have attracted you to this kind of guy. I am just trying to get into your head.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Why would you want to have kids/sex with a man like this who has the capability just drop his seed and leave? I don't mean anything snide by asking this - it's an honest question - something must have attracted you to this kind of guy. I am just trying to get into your head.


I don't want to have kids with a man who can just walk away from his kids. At first, I guess I was blind to the fact that he wasn't involved with his kids. Now I'm not. He claimed that he couldn't see them because of his ex and he also had a job at that time that made it very hard for him to see his kids. Now he is in a better job, and he has me here to help him when he has his kids visit, and nothing has changed. He said when we got settled and he got into his new job and wasn't busy in the winter, he was going to go to court. I was going to financially help him and so was his dad. And that has never happened. And, after seeing her anger around Christmas time because he hadn't contacted his kids for months, I realized that he was the one making the choice to not see them. It has completely turned me off of wanting to have children with him. And last night we had our biggest blow out yet and we both said a lot of horrible things, including me telling him that I thought he was doing a crappy job of being a dad. He always tells me that I don't understand and I don't even know what he has been through with his ex and his kids. He's right. I don't. But, how can I if he won't share any of it with me??? He says his kids won't even talk to him. But, as a parent, I don't think you have the option to just give up on your kids because your feelings are hurt.

I don't think you were wrong in asking this. It may not be "on topic", but it does affect my sexual attraction to him.


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## NessaRae (Aug 14, 2011)

@Scannerguard - Good for you being involved with your kids!

@ku1980rose I guess to get better bearings, how long did you know each other before marriage? Did you have sex before marriage? Have you encouraged him (no, guilting him is not the same as encouraging) to see his kids? Have you done anything to make it possible to see the kids? You talked about pledging financial support for him to go to court, but that's not the same as helping him along. (not trying to judge, just trying to figure out)
For example, my mom briefly dated a guy who has two or three daughters, I forget how many I only met one of them, and he hadn't seen any of them in a long time. He's a manipulative guy who can't really take care of himself.... yeah, my mom knows how to pick 'em. But by the time she decided he wasn't going to progress any further into the kind of man she needed in her life, she had gotten his youngest daughter back into his life to the point where she lived with him over the summer, she got him to move out of his brother's house, and encouraged him to get a job where he wasn't in so much conflict with the managers like he was at his old one. She only dated this guy for a few months. That's a LOT of change from a guy who hadn't really even seen his daughter in years and barely even talked to her! She is so happy to have him back in her life! She hadn't even seen her grandparents since she was two and, thanks to my mom, she saw them just last month. Mind you, the guy's not the best parent, but now he at least cares enough to be in connection with his daughter... hopefully he'll keep it up now that my mom and he are not together anymore.
I can totally sympathize with the lack of sex thing... my husband didn't have sex with me until the last night of our three day honeymoon. And after a while you do start to feel resentful and anxious about sex.
Do you want to keep this marriage together? He is going to counseling, you said, but have you considered doing counseling with him? What do you like about him? Why did you marry him in the first place? Maybe once you answer these questions you will be able to decide whether this marriage is worth keeping up.


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## popat08 (Aug 25, 2011)

hi ku1980rose - i can sympathize with you greatly in your situation. it's been a while since you first posted your problem, if you dont mind, how are things now? are attempting to solve the problems..

I will share with you my story which has similarities to yours minus the children.

i was 24 when i married my husband, he was my first bf, first everything.. we had a great friendship that led into a committed relationship for 7 years, over long distance. we then decided to move things forward and get married so we can finally live together. up to this point, passion was emotionally there and somewhat physically there but we had not developed too much in this area b/c of the distance. 

right after the marriage, even on the honeymoon, i realized we were both hesitant to have sex. it took us several months to even try and it was just too awkward. this continued for the first 2 years of marriage, maybe having sex 1-2 every 6 months and it was so lack luster that we had no motivation to try again. we both knew it was a big issue but i would be the only one to actually bring it up in the open for discussion. in discussion we both felt sad about it but never had any solutions to help it or find any real reasons for it. i started feeling really down about myself, thinking we would never have this satisfaction in our marital life. we were just so complacent that i felt eternally doomed. i didnt want to be the one to always bring up the problem. i've had a healthy sex drive but my problem was that i did not feel attracted to him. he is a beautifully handsome guy but that was not what i needed. i never felt the attention i was looking for and vice versa. 

well what im about to say, i hope will never happen to you.. i was a very weak and depressed and negative person through all this. i had moved over 600 miles away from my family to be with him and never felt so alone. the misery ate away at me so much so that i lost my guide completely. i strayed from my marriage in an affair at work that lasted a year. this led to the demise of my marriage, right now im separated, not speaking to my husband. everything is shattered. what i did drove the nail into the coffin. i will never use our problems as an excuse for what i did. but i wish i could have had the courage to look at our problems, realize if i had it in me to fix or walk away. well this is all i can tell you too. not saying you are teh type of person to cheat or your husband but im just saying problems like this can lead you to very very dark places where you can lose yourself. dont let that happen. find out what the root issue is and if it can be worked with or if it was always there to begin with and you were just too naive to realize.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP
Why do you think your husband got married? To be honest it sounds like pure laziness.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

sounds similar to me, although my wife has been diagonosed with depression.

3 times in a year


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

popat08 said:


> hi ku1980rose - i can sympathize with you greatly in your situation. it's been a while since you first posted your problem, if you dont mind, how are things now? are attempting to solve the problems..
> 
> I will share with you my story which has similarities to yours minus the children.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. Your situation does sound similar to mine. Things have not gotten better. They've probably gotten worse. It isn't something he will talk about. He says he wants to have sex and improve our relationship, but neither of us knows how. Plus, there's so much resentment at this point, I don't know how to move past that. He's slept on the couch for months. He says it's my fault, although I constantly talk to him about it and tell him to come to bed. I don't know what to do at this point. I think the issue was always there and I just looked past it. But, it has gotten worse since we got married. At least he "tried" when we were just dating. I feel that he did his best to make himself seem like the perfect catch and then when we married he quit trying so hard. I know it is probably time to move on, I just don't know how to make myself do it. He gets upset when I try to talk to him about this. He says that I told him I didn't believe in divorce and never want to go through a divorce (which is true), but I also know that this is not a marriage and if I want to have a family I need to find someone that I can have a family with....and that's not him right now. He also says that I "can't do this to him"....and make him go through another divorce. He knows how to make me feel guilty and feel bad about wanting out. He can't seem to see the other side of it...the fact that we don't even act like roommates at this point. We are 2 people living under the same roof. That's all.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> OP
> Why do you think your husband got married? To be honest it sounds like pure laziness.


I think my husband truly loves me, and that's why we got married. He wanted to have another go at having a family. He's told me that before. He says he wants the chance to be a real dad. That's when I tell him that he HAD that chance and STILL HAS that chance, but made the choice long ago to pretty much ignore his children. And now that he wants to start being their dad again, they want NOTHING to do with him. I don't blame them. But, I'm not here to just give him a second chance. How can I have kids with him when he doesn't even try with his own kids?? I don't want to be a married, but single, mom. I'm afraid if we have kids and he gets his feelings hurt or anything, he will ignore them just as he does his other kids. And it's what he does to me anytime things get uncomfortable for him. Gives me the silent treatment and ignores me completely.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

I strongly suggest some type of counseling. In every marriage, communication is a MUST and it sure doesn't seem like he is capable of that at this point. Likely one of the reasons he is no longer with the mother of his children. You can't accomplish anything if he won't talk to you. Good luck.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

Rosie123 said:


> I strongly suggest some type of counseling. In every marriage, communication is a MUST and it sure doesn't seem like he is capable of that at this point. Likely one of the reasons he is no longer with the mother of his children. You can't accomplish anything if he won't talk to you. Good luck.


I agree. My self and all the others that have been married for years always refer to the "early years" as the best sex (right before the sex nearly stops). something is seriously wrong. 

I think a Sex Therapist is seriously needed. 

Does he even like/want oral sex?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Elliott said:


> I agree. My self and all the others that have been married for years always refer to the "early years" as the best sex (right before the sex nearly stops). something is seriously wrong.
> 
> I think a Sex Therapist is seriously needed.
> 
> Does he even like/want oral sex?


We tried counseling. Didn't do any good. He cried all the time, and the entire counseling was about that. He would talk the talk in there, and then nothing would change outside of counseling. He was also going to personal counseling to work on his own anger issues and communication issues and not being so totally codependent on me. But, after a couple of months, he claims that there was nothing more the counselor could do for him, so he quit. Said that counselor told him he was "fixed". My theory is that he talked the talk in counseling alone, so the counselor was never able to get to the bottom of things with him. So, we are still in the same boat we were 6 months ago. We have now been married a little over a year, and in October we will not have had sex for a year. I'm ashamed to admit that I've let it go on this long. Time passed me by. Now I'm looking at it wondering why I let it go on this long. 

I guess he likes sex. But, right after we were married he quit trying for sex. He says it is because I turned him down. I'll admit there were times I did, but there were also times I didn't. He seems to decide before I even have a chance that I am just turning him down....because I go to bed early, or read my book, or turn away from him to sleep (this is because he snores uncontrollably and I don't sleep well anyway). I've discussed these things with him. The times we did have sex, I initiated. I even told him how to get me excited. How to initiate. I showed him what I wanted him to do to me. Yet, he still didn't initiate and still continues to say it's because he is afraid he will initiate and I will say no. Part of me understands that. The other part of me says "Come on!!!!"

Not long after we married I found he was watching/looking at porn on my computer. It was hard to think that he wouldn't try with me, but was jacking off to the computer. 

If he wasn't always at work and I didn't already know that he has absolutely no social life, I'd consider he was having an affair. But there are no signs of that. He just ignores the problem over and over. It's not even something I can get him to talk about. The only way he would have sex is if I threw myself completely over him. But, at this point, I have no desire to do that. There are so many other things that need to be discussed and "fixed" before that. At this point, I resent him so much that I don't even find him attractive. I find him lazy........


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> We tried counseling. Didn't do any good. He cried all the time, and the entire counseling was about that. He would talk the talk in there, and then nothing would change outside of counseling. He was also going to personal counseling to work on his own anger issues and communication issues and not being so totally codependent on me. But, after a couple of months, he claims that there was nothing more the counselor could do for him, so he quit. Said that counselor told him he was "fixed". My theory is that he talked the talk in counseling alone, so the counselor was never able to get to the bottom of things with him. So, we are still in the same boat we were 6 months ago. We have now been married a little over a year, and in October we will not have had sex for a year. I'm ashamed to admit that I've let it go on this long. Time passed me by. Now I'm looking at it wondering why I let it go on this long.
> 
> I guess he likes sex. But, right after we were married he quit trying for sex. He says it is because I turned him down. I'll admit there were times I did, but there were also times I didn't. He seems to decide before I even have a chance that I am just turning him down....because I go to bed early, or read my book, or turn away from him to sleep (this is because he snores uncontrollably and I don't sleep well anyway). I've discussed these things with him. The times we did have sex, I initiated. I even told him how to get me excited. How to initiate. I showed him what I wanted him to do to me. Yet, he still didn't initiate and still continues to say it's because he is afraid he will initiate and I will say no. Part of me understands that. The other part of me says "Come on!!!!"
> 
> ...


 wow...I don't even know what to say to that. I breaks my heart to hear that women are trying to have sex and the *man* is saying NO!. What kind of world do we live in when *men* don't want to have sex? That's all we think about (see I'm thinking about it right now :rofl


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