# But what about the child???? Dilemma!



## Jackson300 (Apr 17, 2012)

OK... you've heard it before but here goes. I find this dilemma unbearable and quite incredible as well. Married 25 years. There has never been great passion or intimacy, but it was ok. There's been none whatsoever in a very long time. Due to the lack of any intimacy and affection, I did meet and relate to another woman and have had an on again and off again relationship with her. She is going through a divorce (and was headed there before me). About 6 months ago while feeling very frustrated I confronted the wife and she admitted that she does not love me. In fact, i realized that she has not uttered those three words in well over 20 years. 20 years ago she stopped wearing her diamond and wedding band while attending graduate school at night, saying that the public transportation was dangerous for her to do so. I suspect there was someone, although she denies that.

I was able to persuade her to attend MC then. She went just a few times and said it was a waste. We elected to stay together. Once when she described me during a board game at a friends party she used the words "a good provider." Thats it ,,, good provider. I was an executive who provided well. 

We were unable to have children and 8 years ago we adopted a baby boy who is the light of my life. He means everything to me and I can not think of being without him or tucking him in for a minute.

Herein lies the dilemma. I again complained to the wife about my unhappiness just recently and I received more than a kick in the gut ,,,,, she suggested that I find SEX elsewhere. She agrees i would devastate our child if I left ... but I'm sure she would not mind it I did leave.

The suggestion of just having SEX with anyone (like a dog) to satisfy needs has made me understand that she REALLY doesn't even care...never mind love!

Also, the other woman is still around, and tells me that SHE loves me. Her actions do in fact go along with her words. She can not understand why I would remain with a woman who does not love me and has even suggested that I find SEX outside of the marriage, when she does love me.

I explain that i CAN NOT leave my child. It breaks my heart to think of it. Yet, i am miserable beyond measure everyday when I think that a wife of 25 years would suggest that I get SEX elsewhere! AND it is NOT about sex at all...its about emotion, caring, and being loved. Sex of course is just a part of that. 

Am I hopelessly trapped? I know the woman that loves me will have to move on, it is unfair for her to be alone. And yes, I care for her as well. Just can not think of leaving my child. What to do??


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Jackson300:

You are not trapped, but I think you're emotionally devasted and NOT thinking clearly. You are selfishly thinking about what YOU want...to be able to be with your son every night.

But what about your son?

YOU are the person he looks up to as a role model for a man. Is living in this sham marriage REALLY the best representation of adulthood, parenting and marriage that you can show him? No, clearly it is not. If your son called you in 20 years and told you that THIS is what his wife wanted him to do, would you advise him to stay? Living a lie? Sneaking around for sex on the side? Staying with a wife who clearly didn't love him, but was using him as a giant ATM machine without love or intimacy or happiness?

You need to build a new life around your health, well-being and your son. Model for him what is healthy so he will recognize it and expect it, no, DEMAND it in his own life.

Although I pass no judgement on you and the OW, I do NOT think that this is necessarily a healthy relationship. You are both in a position of neediness and that doesn't mean that together you're going to be healthy, just less needy.

You need to get into IC and find out WHY you are/were willing to accept so little from your wife for so long. The answers to this will help you form a healthier relationship in the future (with the OW or with someone else). It will also put you in a good position to talk knowledgeably to your son in the future about HIS (hopefully healthy) relationships with women.


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## Jackson300 (Apr 17, 2012)

Thank you for making me think. Im working on it, truly. It is devastating. After all thats why Im on here. To walk away from everything after 25 years is a very difficult decision. But Im also sure that once our son is grown she is gone anyway.....truly has zero feelings for me for still reasons unknown. I do wash! And I'm still fairly in decent shape and look fine. She's just lost it all, and the little guy is the unintended victim.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Children would rather be from a broken home than to live in one

Move on and be happy because if you're not and your wife is not, neither will your child be


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Jackson300:

That is why we're here; to support you in a very confusing, devastating time in your life! You are not in a place right now to make meaningful, well thought out plans for you and your son, but YOU WILL BE!

Get into IC for yourself. Don't even waste your time on MC (in my humble opinion).

You can feel better, your little guy will feel better, and you will both live happier productive lives when you get out of this soul-crushing situation! Keep coming to TAM for advice (you'll see all sides of the situation more clearly) or just to vent.

BTW: I had a co-worker once in his 30s. Great guy: funny, intelligent, successful, easy-going. The ONLY time I ever saw him act differently (and it was shocking, because it was SO unlike his usual self) is when he talked about his parents' divorce. He said they had stayed together in the marriage until he and his siblings were in college. God, was he BITTER!!! I don't know if he saw a lot more ugliness than was necessary had they parted sooner, or if one or the other parent played the 'guilt' card (I stayed with that b*tch/assh*le all those years for YOU CHILDREN), but, man, was he bitter! You would definitely not want that for your little guy. He deserves better, and so do you!


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## Jackson300 (Apr 17, 2012)

Soon to be 9 years old. An unintended victim of a lost marriage. It worries me that children of divorce have difficulties in their adolescence and beyond. I don't want that for him. But when he is old enough, I know that I'm gone (as the wife has not denied that). So, I stay and we pretend?? It can be pretty miserable, with the worst thing that she could ever have said was to find sex elsewhere..... I think I could have dealt with "I don't love you" easier than that. It indicates a total lack of any emotion or respect for me after all these years.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Jackson300 said:


> OK... you've heard it before but here goes. I find this dilemma unbearable and quite incredible as well. Married 25 years. There has never been great passion or intimacy, but it was ok. There's been none whatsoever in a very long time. Due to the lack of any intimacy and affection, I did meet and relate to another woman and have had an on again and off again relationship with her. She is going through a divorce (and was headed there before me).


So you had an affair on your wife? :scratchhead:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Younger is better for your son in terms of you getting divorced. No age is perfect or even good. But in their teens the needs change a lot. A divorce imho while they are in their teens can be tougher than when they are older.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

I know how you feel both about leaving the kid and your fear of leaving a relationship you've been in so long. But, in a sense, you have nothing to fear but fear itself I would think. Objectively your son will cope so long as you continue to involve yourself in his life - if you can live near enough and, assuming your wife would agree (which is sounds like she might given she doesn't seem to care at all), then what's to stop you going round to give him bath, read him a book and then tuck him up in bed most nights?


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## drmmommy (Apr 16, 2012)

Jackson300 said:


> Soon to be 9 years old. An unintended victim of a lost marriage. It worries me that children of divorce have difficulties in their adolescence and beyond. I don't want that for him. But when he is old enough, I know that I'm gone (as the wife has not denied that). So, I stay and we pretend?? It can be pretty miserable, with the worst thing that she could ever have said was to find sex elsewhere..... I think I could have dealt with "I don't love you" easier than that. It indicates a total lack of any emotion or respect for me after all these years.


No advice from me, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this situation and it really sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jackson300 (Apr 17, 2012)

Thank you all. Just reading your thoughts does help get by until I can finally decide just what to do. I do think that professional counsel may be warranted as well. How does this happen? You work your butt off your whole life and try to do everything right and then after 25 years (30 including time before marriage) you are without love, affection, intimacy, caring. It's actually pretty horrid.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

How it happened is not known at this time. Get some IC and OWN your portion of the marriage so YOU will be healthier in the future.

One day at a time, Jackson, one day at a time. 

Hang in there with us for the long haul and remember, someone else will need your ear/advice on one of these threads. So jump in! It is oftentimes MUCH easier to give others advice than to take it ourselves.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Jackson300 said:


> Thank you all. Just reading your thoughts does help get by until I can finally decide just what to do. I do think that professional counsel may be warranted as well. How does this happen? You work your butt off your whole life and try to do everything right and then after 25 years (30 including time before marriage) you are without love, affection, intimacy, caring. It's actually pretty horrid.


Horrible is actually the perfect word to describe it. People get through these things and end up somewhere better though. However bad it seems now, there is the possibility of a brighter future.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You wouldn't be leaving the boy. You would still be a part of his life - a prominent and active part of his life. You just wouldn't be with your wife. You might be with someone else - a woman who actually does love you and that would show your son what a functional relationship actually looks like.

It sounds like your wife is possibly seeing someone on the side herself?


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## Jackson300 (Apr 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You wouldn't be leaving the boy. You would still be a part of his life - a prominent and active part of his life. You just wouldn't be with your wife. You might be with someone else - a woman who actually does love you and that would show your son what a functional relationship actually looks like.
> 
> It sounds like your wife is possibly seeing someone on the side herself?


I almost wish she were seeing someone ..... At least it would all make sense then, but she swears that she has no interest whatsoever in me or any man and has declared that she has no interest in sex whatsoever . Another man I could at least accept and understand,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jackson300 (Apr 17, 2012)

*DO you stay with a woman who admittedly does not love you?*

OK folks,,,,, struggling here. Been married 25 years. Have great 11 year old son. There has been NO intimacy whatsoever in well over THREE years ,,,,, and it was rare in the years before that. It occurred to me in the Fall of 2010 after her dad passed and I comforted her and said "I love you," when she responded, "Yeah, ok," that she HAS NOT tol me that she loves me in over TWENTY years!. Last August (2011) we had a confrontation of this issue (Yes communication IS a problem) and she confirmed that she does not love me.

Ive been struggling for nearly a year with this and have sought counsel. I love my son and was scared to be away from him and hurt him in any way. 

Recently I have found a place to move to that is close and where my son could be with me half the time (already agreed to) and i need to make the decision. Ive recently had a chat with him about it and he actually knows things are wrong (kids aren't stupid). He told me that it would be "cool" to live with me part of the time in a condo. I think he understands.

The problem is that now that I'm near a decision to move on and live (and there is someone of interest that I would "date") I'm petrified to do it. It makes me nauseous to think that I won't be home. 

I know that if I elect to stay that you can not MAKE someone love you never mind be intimate (and she states that she is DONE with that stuff). I just feel I still love her and can't bear to be away from my son half the time. 

The "interested" woman who is lovely and could be someone that would make life happier will NOT be around forever. Am I a fool? Should I stay or should I go???? Thanks!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I cannot make the decision for you. But I think you will be happier if you leave.

Honestly your wife is never ever going to change. Whatever the underlying cause of her aversion to sex and her lack of emotions towards you, she is not going to change. So your choice is to leave now and make a better life or to wait another 10 years and then leave to make a better life. You might as well have those 10 years being happy rather than being miserable in your current situation.

It is fine and normal that you care for your wife's well being, but you should care for your own well being even more. I bet, too, that the time you spend with your son will be much better than the current situation, so ultimately you and he will be happier with the new arrangement rather than the dysfunctional home you have now.

Along with moving on, you should continue your therapy so you can avoid picking the wrong woman again.


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