# Lies...



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I have another thread started and I hope this isn't too much but I have a question about the lies...

During my H 2 year affair I was always suspicious, from the very beginning I smelled a rat...anyway one day he came home from work and said he got into a fender bender...he showed me a picture of a car with a dent in its rear...said he hit it backing out of his parking spot. I said "today"? He said yes...it was the 18th but the picture was dated the 16th...I didn't say anything but bells were going off...He said the woman he hit was going to take it to the shop to see how much it would cost...a week later he says 300...I say ok write a check...he says No I am going to give her cash...more alarm bells...I say hon, write a check so it absolves us of future issues...write car repair in the memo...etc. He balks but agrees...as he is getting dressed he says I would never try and take money, it seems like you are thinking this isn't legit...I would never do that. MORE ALARM BELLS...My gut was screaming...turns out I was right...I messed up his plans just to grab some cash but after D-day and 4 fights he finally said that he asked a friend if his girlfriend would cash the check for him...that he had a debt he wanted to pay off without his wife knowing. He denies using the 300 dollars for motels that he googled and the bar they went to the week the check was cashed but that is an entire different lie...

It was so calculated...premeditated and down right smarmy...he had to scramble and maneuver, tell other people lies...

I saw the lie as it was forming...I tried even to stop it with insisting he use a check and he still managed to get exactly what he wanted...I kick myself everyday for watching that slide on by.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> I have another thread started and I hope this isn't too much but I have a question about the lies...
> 
> During my H 2 year affair I was always suspicious, from the very beginning I smelled a rat...anyway one day he came home from work and said he got into a fender bender...he showed me a picture of a car with a dent in its rear...said he hit it backing out of his parking spot. I said "today"? He said yes...it was the 18th but the picture was dated the 16th...I didn't say anything but bells were going off...He said the woman he hit was going to take it to the shop to see how much it would cost...a week later he says 300...I say ok write a check...he says No I am going to give her cash...more alarm bells...I say hon, write a check so it absolves us of future issues...write car repair in the memo...etc. He balks but agrees...as he is getting dressed he says I would never try and take money, it seems like you are thinking this isn't legit...I would never do that. MORE ALARM BELLS...My gut was screaming...turns out I was right...I messed up his plans just to grab some cash but after D-day and 4 fights he finally said that he asked a friend if his girlfriend would cash the check for him...that he had a debt he wanted to pay off without his wife knowing. He denies using the 300 dollars for motels that he googled and the bar they went to the week the check was cashed but that is an entire different lie...
> 
> ...


Don’t kick yourself.
Kick him out instead.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I feel ya.
My wife stole $27,000 out of my saving account. I found out after her last affair. For drugs and hotels.
There a million things you will find if you keep looking. 
Are you like most of us, addicted to pain and suffering?
Just burn this guy and start a meaningful life.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Thanks guys...he will be gone soon...I just wrestle with the depravity of it all. That example was one of many but it sticks out for the sheer number of fights we had over it after the fact. We went round after round just for him to admit that yes it was all a pile of crap to get his hands on cash. This is why I can't reconcile...if I were I would have to accept his lies as truth and only an idiot would do that..so my H would always view me as an idiot, I would always be in the role of idiot. Why can't cheaters understand this?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> Thanks guys...he will be gone soon...I just wrestle with the depravity of it all. That example was one of many but it sticks out for the sheer number of fights we had over it after the fact. We went round after round just for him to admit that yes it was all a pile of crap to get his hands on cash. This is why I can't reconcile...if I were *I would have to accept his lies as truth and only an idiot would do that*..so my H would always view me as an idiot, I would always be in the role of idiot. Why can't cheaters understand this?


Hey, watch who you call names.....


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

The bold faced lies are the most disturbing part for me in my situation.

It made me question 25 years of reality.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> Thanks guys...he will be gone soon...I just wrestle with the depravity of it all. That example was one of many but it sticks out for the sheer number of fights we had over it after the fact. We went round after round just for him to admit that yes it was all a pile of crap to get his hands on cash. This is why I can't reconcile...if I were I would have to accept his lies as truth and only an idiot would do that..so my H would always view me as an idiot, I would always be in the role of idiot. Why can't cheaters understand this?


What makes your situation even more deplorable than many, is that he KNEW that you were pretty much onto him, and instead of coming clean about it, he LIED for years! Most times, the betrayed spouse is mostly blindsided after an affair has been going on undetected, but he had chance after chance to be honest with you and verify what you already knew.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

StillSearching...you are clearly not an idiot. LOL

Yes!! The bold faced lies...not the omissions...detailed stories. Its funny because when he finally confessed to never having a fender bender he said he gave the money to my son...son has no recollection of it and does not want to be in the middle. That week...he was googling motels around a bar that he said a retirement party was being held...retirement party my ass. He said he did go to the bar but just played grab ass in the car again...LIKE SERIOUSLY DUDE? This is what I will have to accept to stay...he will never admit he went to a motel...evidence is he googled one and he had the cash for one...but NOPE...I NEVER DID THAT!! You are so right 3X...he knew I knew. Funny at the time I did think he was actually going to a retirement party until the next day when I saw texts between them around 11pm...he made up some excuse about leaving something at work and did he see it? I asked was she there and he said no...


It is sheer insanity...the lies killed any hope of reconciliation.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I'm not sure what the question is exactly but I can shed some light on the lies perhaps....

When I had an A many many years ago - I lied to my H- directly and through omission. The lies came easy because I was able to compartmentalize, I told myself I was lying to "protect" him and my marriage, omission wasn't a lie at all. I manipulated time, truth and babysitting in order to free myself up to spend time with OM. 

I told myself the lies were ok because the OM understood me, gave me what H wasn't...I deserved this happiness. I rewrote history. For me I allowed myself to chase the chemicals of a new relationship. They made me feel like a special snowflake. They made me feel like I was young and free. It was always a choice. The lies are choices too. At any time I could have told the truth but that would have meant ending it and all the "fun" that went with it.

It lasted 6 months and we never had PIV or anything oral. This is unusual. But, that too was a manipulation. I knew in my heart H had the capacity to forgive what I had done that far but no further. I ended it when I couldnt reconcile the immorality of what I was doing with how I saw my own character. When I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

I woke up and saw what a douche bag I was. I made changes and put boundaries in place to make sure it would never happen again.I hated myself for many years. 

I suspected H was having an EA/PA 5 years ago. I never found proof of the A -but I caught him in sooooo many lies. He lied about not calling OW, he lied about deleting OW's texts, he lied 1x about where he was when i called him from out of town, he lied 1x about where he was when I called him at work.....he lied to cover up lies....he lied in MC to the MC's face and mine...

Because of my own A experience, I sort of understood the lies. It is not excusable - the reasoning is basically wanting what you want and being immature and selfish enough to think you should have it and if you are not caught no one will get hurt.

It is to avoid consequences- surely if the BS finds out they will leave and that would mean you wouldnt have your cake and be able to eat it too....it is to avoid facing who you really are and what you are capable of doing. 

MC said H will never tell me the truth about what he has done. I will have to accept that if I am to go forward and be happy in the marriage. It is his problem that he cannot face the truth.

I told him the truth about my A - but I am no better- I waited 25 years when I knew that he wouldn't leave me over something that happened so many years before. So I was cowardly.

WE have been through 4 years of MC and IC and have made it work. It is not perfect but we are happy. I remind myself that we have BOTH made mistakes and that BOTH of us need to feel the forgiveness of each other.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Thank you for that NJ! I appreciate the other sides perspective. Had my H affair ended by his hand, way earlier I think I might have been able to move thru it...the sheer length of time on this one and the fact that it was still full steam ahead makes it impossible for me...I was my husbands second choice after 28 years of marriage...

I am glad you have found peace and have made your marriage work...25 years is nothing to just toss aside.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

You know after my WS left and divorce papers were signed, It was then that a huge relief came over me.
It wasn't the cheating was over, it was I was not lied to again! 
It weight of hearing lies is tremendous. 
I laugh at everything she says to me now. 
She will lie about the rain falling on your head.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

StillSearching...I can't wait to be there...I do feel some relief as of late that I won't have to pretend I believe him the rest of my life. That is what will happen if I stay...he will pretend...I will pretend. I can just finally let it go...I can say I am single cause my H was a lying cheating scumbag...how novel...the TRUTH.

Don't piss on my leg and tell me its raining eh?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

There's one and only one meaning to our lives. 
There's only one meaning behind ALL religious texts and belief systems. 
It all boils down to one thing. 

The Truth.
It's forever
It's universal
It's the Why.
It's the who we are.
It's time itself.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

StillSearching….I like that...thank you.


The bottom line is if I stayed...if I reconciled like he and my daughter were pushing for I would have to live the lie the rest of my life. The people in my life that don't know will never know...I will have to fake conversations with others if the subject of cheating comes up...I will have to pretend that him screwing her in my car does not bother me...(I am selling the car and getting a new one before I finalize anything.) Everything will be secured to a lie...not even one lie...thousands of lies. Divorce will set me free of them...I can say out loud anytime I want you are a liar...or that's bull****! I won't have to chew the inside of my mouth till it bleeds.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

After my fiancé of 5 years and two subsequent girlfriends cheated on me, I learned a valuable lesson. No one can be trusted 100%. Even our parents lied to us about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and what those noises were in their bedroom.  I learned to have a healthy dose of mistrust. Not too much, just enough to not blindly accept everything I was told or that did not feel right in my gut. Served me well in both my personal and professional life. 

Every boss I had cheated on their spouse. I travelled a lot on business and saw a lot of cheating going on. The successful cheats had one thing in common. Their spouses all would tell you that they never worried when their spouses were away because they trusted them 100%. Now I believe that if it smells like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck no matter what I am told. BTW, most cheaters end up as serial cheaters. Even if they do not, re-establishing trust takes a long time and it will never be the same. Your stomach will be in knots whenever he does something that does not seem right, even if it is innocent. No way to live which I why I never gave anyone a second chance.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sorry you are here in this situation. If it helps any I had 24 years that I had to question.
As my ex made her exit, she came to me to ask to take some money from a joint account we had for rent and deposit on an apartment. All the money that was in it was mine anyways. But I figured she would get half anyways and I was trying to honest and fair and quite honestly still hoping for reconciliation. So I agreed.
Anyways after she left, I started to think about the other savings account, that she was having her money deposited into. Supposedly it was for our daughter's wedding. But it made me wonder why she didn't just grab some of that. So I went to the bank. Loe and behold, she had drained almost every penny out of it over the prior 2-3 months. 
This triggered me to get a print out of her text messages. Over the last few years of our marriage she had always had her nose buried in her phone. I had imagined talking to her girl friends or checking out FaceBook. Wow, was I surprised. Hundreds of texts at all hours of the day and night to one particular number that I did not know. I called the number and some guy answered. He denied knowing my ex. He said he had never heard of her etc etc. So I confronted my ex. She claimed it was a co-workers number and that her co-worker was letting her BF use the phone for a project. 
The lies just slid out of her moth so effortlessly. I was totally blown away. I never bothered to keep digging, because by now it was all over anyways and it didn't matter.
Fast forward a few years and she is telling our kids, how badly she had it being married, how awful her life was, how unappreciated etc etc. My kids let the cat out of the bag about how "poor old mom" was so put upon by the marriage that she just had to get out. Well, that was when I told them about her cheating and lying and stealing, because at that point I was still pretty raw and didn't feel like being the bad guy any longer.
I don't think my ex ever admitted to anyone what she had been doing. But now, my kids and their spouses have a different view of her. They are on to her victim act, and her woe-is-me routine. After our one counseling appointment she lied to our kids about what happened. I told her then and I also promised our kids that I would never lie to them and always tell them the truth. That is one promise that I have kept.
The only thing we really owe one another is the truth. After 24 years all I got was lies. It made me question all of those years I spent with her. Thinking we were building a life.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Vinny, which is exactly why I don't even want to try anymore...I won't ever trust him not to lie to me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Ynot...thank you for sharing your story with me...I am so sorry for what you had to go thru. I refuse to look anymore.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> Ynot...thank you for sharing your story with me...I am so sorry for what you had to go thru. I refuse to look anymore.


That is one thing I don't understand. Oftentimes, people on here will tell new posters to get a VAR, hire a PI, hide cameras etc. Once you know what you need to know, why bother? Get on with your life and leave the past behind you. It took me about 2 years before I really turned a corner, now I am soooooo happy I don't have to deal with any of that stuff. The way I see it, continuing to dig, just prolongs your misery. The time you spend doing that, you could be using to make yourself happy.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Sadly Ynot had I not searched I would have not found anything...he insisted it was one kiss he didn't even enjoy...not dissimilar from his latest story that it was one time but I couldn't get hard enough to put the condom on...Odd however that he had googled Viagra and cyalis for recreational use, how long does an erection last after taking Viagra etc. If I took him at his word I would have known nothing. Oh...his excuse for the Viagra is he took it with me but all it did was give him a headache. LOL

I am done now...I don't even look at his phone anymore...I just keep tabs on the money. LOL


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> Sadly Ynot had I not searched I would have not found anything...he insisted it was one kiss he didn't even enjoy...not dissimilar from his latest story that it was one time but I couldn't get hard enough to put the condom on...Odd however that he had googled Viagra and cyalis for recreational use, how long does an erection last after taking Viagra etc. If I took him at his word I would have known nothing. Oh...his excuse for the Viagra is he took it with me but all it did was give him a headache. LOL
> 
> I am done now...I don't even look at his phone anymore...I just keep tabs on the money. LOL


I am not saying not to search. But once you know, what is the point? Some of these guys will advise you to keep digging. But why? You are already hurt, why twist the knife some more?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> What makes your situation even more deplorable than many, is that he KNEW that you were pretty much onto him, and instead of coming clean about it, he LIED for years! Most times, the betrayed spouse is mostly blindsided after an affair has been going on undetected, but he had chance after chance to be honest with you and verify what you already knew.


AND, he didn't care that he was driving her crazy, even has the temerity to say she was nuts etc. He is a right piece of work. He has everything she has planned coming to him and much more.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

aine...that is one of the most painful parts of this for me...I caught on to the affair fairly early...maybe a couple of months in and from the get go I was paranoid, delusional, crazy...I needed to mind my own business and get a life. I even ignored some texts I saw because I knew he would jump all over me for snooping and he would just make up excuses. One day I deleted her number from his phone and 2 days later there was a text to "Bobby" talking about how sorry he was that had not texted, that he was not ignoring her. I questioned him as to why he put her in as a man and he said he did it because I was jealous and unreasonable...was pissed I was in his phone again. The emotional beating I took for those 2 years has finally set in and I am pissed!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> I am not saying not to search. But once you know, what is the point? Some of these guys will advise you to keep digging. But why? You are already hurt, why twist the knife some more?


Some of us are codependent and were addicted to pain.....
I needed more pain everyday, to finally have enough. Sounds stupid now, I know. 
But my WS emotionally abused me for so long I didn't know who I was anymore.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Some of us are codependent and were addicted to pain.....
> I needed more pain everyday, to finally have enough. Sounds stupid now, I know.
> But my WS emotionally abused me for so long I didn't know who I was anymore.


It isn't stupid. You were doing the best you knew at that time. That is all any of us can do. But I am talking about the ones who have been thru it themselves. Rather than learning as you did, advising you to move on. Instead they advise people to do what you did. So instead of helping you, all they have done is found another buddy in misery to lament with.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> I have another thread started and I hope this isn't too much but I have a question about the lies...
> 
> During my H 2 year affair I was always suspicious, from the very beginning I smelled a rat...anyway one day he came home from work and said he got into a fender bender...he showed me a picture of a car with a dent in its rear...said he hit it backing out of his parking spot. I said "today"? He said yes...it was the 18th but the picture was dated the 16th...I didn't say anything but bells were going off...He said the woman he hit was going to take it to the shop to see how much it would cost...a week later he says 300...I say ok write a check...he says No I am going to give her cash...more alarm bells...I say hon, write a check so it absolves us of future issues...write car repair in the memo...etc. He balks but agrees...as he is getting dressed he says I would never try and take money, it seems like you are thinking this isn't legit...I would never do that. MORE ALARM BELLS...My gut was screaming...turns out I was right...I messed up his plans just to grab some cash but after D-day and 4 fights he finally said that he asked a friend if his girlfriend would cash the check for him...that he had a debt he wanted to pay off without his wife knowing. He denies using the 300 dollars for motels that he googled and the bar they went to the week the check was cashed but that is an entire different lie...
> 
> ...


*One's "gut instinct" is truly deemed to be the Ninth Wonder of the World!

Feel fortunate that you have it!*


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Ynot said:


> It isn't stupid. You were doing the best you knew at that time. That is all any of us can do. But I am talking about the ones who have been thru it themselves. Rather than learning as you did, advising you to move on. Instead they advise people to do what you did. So instead of helping you, all they have done is found another buddy in misery to lament with.


In my case, once I figured out what was going on, saw the animosity/derision in my wife's face, and made the decision to move on, I did not want to know the gory details.

I guess I have more questions about prior years possibilities than I do about the current situation, but even there - I feel its better to let the past be the past so I can get on with my current life.

Not that I don't have moments of panic/self blame/hatred, but I'm trying not to let it consume me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

arbitrator...my gut was screaming all day everyday but my love and trust for him over road it all...it is my biggest regret in all of this...If I had just listened I would not have been in this hell for so long. The toll this has taken on me mentally and physically will take years to repair if at all...I need botox now for the furrow lines I have. LOL


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Torn, the act you describe is technically financial infidelity. I deal with this constantly, for who else do you hire when you suspect your spouse is taking money from your joint assets to use extramaritally. That can mean anything from supporting an affair partner, to gambling debts to feathering a nest in anticipation of a separation. This needs to be noted, and it is indicative of the wayward mindset. I would suggest that from this point until the divorce is filed at the least, that you monitor all bank statements. If you are getting documents electronically, do me a favor and go old school. I dislike electronic financial information, as it's audit trail is easily compromised. Hard copy of everything. Circle every suspicious transaction and ask for backup from the bank. If you have a brokerage account, stocks or bonds, that is a point of least resistance to the wayward partner. Make sure that all trades or withdrawals require both signatures. (Find a friendly broker, one who is not going to deal with you through assistants, let them in on your dilemmas, they are extremely accommodating-they stand to make a whole bunch of new commissions on selling and reinvesting). You will absolutely need to (Im sure you know this one) monitor every credit card. If you can, sever yours from his. Monitor, monitor, monitor. That is the best advice I can give. On another note. In your other thread you mention that it will be hard for a woman starting over in her 50's. Not in my experience. Certainly, the pool is limited, however, I have always maintained that I find mature women more attractive. Many women are like fine wines, they improve as they mature. Bear this in mind that men are not all looking for the tight body and smooth features. A lifetime of experience makes a woman much more attractive. Please do not discount what you can bring to a relationship just because of the clock.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Taxman...sage advise! I handle all the finances in fact I don't think he even knows the passwords to our accounts. As far as I can tell that was the only time he procured money for his affair. He also claimed he never used it on hotels and in fact gave it to my son...

We only have one major card with a few thousand dollars on it...I was planning on paying it down but now I am just going to keep it steady where it is. 

My insecurity probably stems from the affair as she was younger 42 I think when it started...I was almost 50. She had no children so right there she had one up on me...LOL. I know this sounds catty but when I first approached him after seeing a strange flirty text...you know...the "If I was single" kind...he laughed and said if you saw her you wouldn't even think that...she is very unattractive. He was right...she looks weathered and worn like any ***** that has been around the block. He still managed to tell her how beautiful and sexy she was...LOL


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Sorry you are here in this situation. If it helps any I had 24 years that I had to question.
> As my ex made her exit, she came to me to ask to take some money from a joint account we had for rent and deposit on an apartment. All the money that was in it was mine anyways. But I figured she would get half anyways and I was trying to honest and fair and quite honestly still hoping for reconciliation. So I agreed.
> Anyways after she left, I started to think about the other savings account, that she was having her money deposited into. Supposedly it was for our daughter's wedding. But it made me wonder why she didn't just grab some of that. So I went to the bank. Loe and behold, she had drained almost every penny out of it over the prior 2-3 months.
> This triggered me to get a print out of her text messages. Over the last few years of our marriage she had always had her nose buried in her phone. I had imagined talking to her girl friends or checking out FaceBook. Wow, was I surprised. Hundreds of texts at all hours of the day and night to one particular number that I did not know. I called the number and some guy answered. He denied knowing my ex. He said he had never heard of her etc etc. So I confronted my ex. She claimed it was a co-workers number and that her co-worker was letting her BF use the phone for a project.
> ...


I confronted my crazy ex on a Sunday night, by 9:30 the next morning she had cleaned out my account with the excuse she needed the funds to hire a lawyer and even had the balls to yell at me I didn't have MORE money in the account. I purposely didn't keep a bunch in the account because I had a feeling she'd be doing that. 

She tells the lawyer this marvelous story that I've stolen all "her" money and can only afford x for the retainer and he'll get his money after they find my untold fortune that I'm hiding.....like a smuck he buys the song and dance. First meeting we had he's yelling at me and demanding I disclose the imaginary accounts and give his client what she's entitled to. At 400 bucks an hour he put on a good show for his client. 

Then he tells me how he took a small retainer because of how I've ruined his client etc etc. At this point I'm bored listening to the clown. I pull out her bank statement's which show rather large balances and surprise surprise she's failed to disclose these to him. I thought he was going to spit out his lunch when he saw the balances and he gave her such a glare. I get up, I say to him "what a shock, your client is a liar and I think the two of you have a lot to talk about". 

He was wound tight when I left and I'm sure felt like a fool. 

It's been years now, my crazy ex still won't admit the affair to anyone let alone me. Om told me the whole story, even gave me pictures and a video yet all she does is lie still.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> I have another thread started and I hope this isn't too much but I have a question about the lies...
> 
> During my H 2 year affair I was always suspicious, from the very beginning I smelled a rat...anyway one day he came home from work and said he got into a fender bender...he showed me a picture of a car with a dent in its rear...said he hit it backing out of his parking spot. I said "today"? He said yes...it was the 18th but the picture was dated the 16th...I didn't say anything but bells were going off...He said the woman he hit was going to take it to the shop to see how much it would cost...a week later he says 300...I say ok write a check...he says No I am going to give her cash...more alarm bells...I say hon, write a check so it absolves us of future issues...write car repair in the memo...etc. He balks but agrees...as he is getting dressed he says I would never try and take money, it seems like you are thinking this isn't legit...I would never do that. MORE ALARM BELLS...My gut was screaming...turns out I was right...I messed up his plans just to grab some cash but after D-day and 4 fights he finally said that he asked a friend if his girlfriend would cash the check for him...that he had a debt he wanted to pay off without his wife knowing. He denies using the 300 dollars for motels that he googled and the bar they went to the week the check was cashed but that is an entire different lie...
> 
> ...


Honestly, the more I read about this disgusting, vile, lying degenerate, the more I wish you could just kick his worthless ass out the front door *today*.


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