# Should I SUCK it up and be grateful?



## SadnAlone (Jul 25, 2014)

*Should I just suck it up and be grateful?*

I finally asked my husband for a divorce, but I can't help feeling like I'm making the wrong decision. We've been married for almost 15 years. We have five children together so I don't want to make this decision based on my emotional stress. I do want what's best for the kids. I felt that leaving him would give them the happier and healthier mother they deserve. We are a military family. I decided to become a stay-at-home mom and I've followed his lead for the past 15 years. We are in our mid thirties. My values have remained the same, however; my husband sees the world differently. He thinks that he should be able to keep in touch with any of his ex-girlfriends as well as any new girl he meets and finds interesting. He trolls social media sights and has tainted Facebook for me. I started the page to keep in contact with family and friends, however; he feels the need to add women he's slept with and anyone he has ever met or worked with. He's reasoning is that he's known some of them longer than he's known me. This wouldn't be such a big deal to me if he didn't have a history of lying to me and keeping secrets.

A few days after giving birth to our second child, I caught him in the act of trying to come on to a teenage neighbor of ours. I tried to leave him then, but him and he mother made it seem as though I was being a crazy jealous person and that it was unfair to him if he couldn't have any female friends. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was maybe being irrational so I gave him another chance. Shortly thereafter he started to stay out until 6:00 in the morning visiting nightclubs, bars, and strip clubs. He did this for over 10 years and there was nothing I could say or do about it. I was accused of being "old fashioned". I didn't have the right to tell him what he could and couldn't do so he did whatever he wanted. I became his crazy jealous wife. People in his command thought that I was a b**ch and that I kept him from going out and having a good time. Then I started finding photos of other women on our computer. I even saw a few pictures of an ex-girlfriend. I also found a collection of porn he'd stashed in one of my old cd booklets. Not too long after that I found comments he'd made online to a seventeen year old girl dressed in only her underwear. He couldn't send her enough comments telling her how beautiful she was and what he would do if she were with him. He never told me that I was beautiful a day in his life. I finally got fed up. When I confronted him he threw the laptop down, shattering it. He screamed profanities at me and began throwing things at me. We separated for about two and half months after that. He was living in the barracks while I took time gathering the funds to move. Then his parents decided to visit. He wasn’t living at home with us and he failed to mention that to them. Despite my feelings on the matter, he invited them to stay for two weeks. I had no choice but to reconcile and I let him back in. I've been living with this hurt and mistrust for years. 

Over the last 4 years his Internet activity began to get secretive again. He keeps passwords on everything. He clears his history and he uses tools like incognito to hide his web activity. He also keeps his phone on him at all times. He’s texting at all hours and his contacts list has over 30 women in it, and that does not include his mom and two sisters. He sends over 1600 texts a month. That's nearly quadruple our teenage son's usage. We have tried counseling. We've tried talking about our problems alone. Through which I've learned that female counterparts have come on to him. But what do you expect when you portray yourself as being either single or unhappily married. He's out until the early morning hours in clubs with other women. He keeps profiles on dating sites, he's listed himself as single on Facebook, has blocked me from viewing any of his friends or posts and his excuse for this is that, " I don't know how that happened. I didn't block you." As if I were too dumb to understand how Facebook settings work. I've gone months without logging onto my page just so I don't catch something inappropriate. I also learned that he's lied to me about keeping in touch with a girl he dated over 17 years ago. I couldn't believe that after all this time, this woman was still a subject in our conversations. I hated the fact that I was still speaking her name. Then I found a text he'd written her professing his love. He'd told her that he'd never stop loving her and that he wanted to be with her. He told me that he had written that for her while we were separated for two and a half months, but the time line doesn't add up. Besides that, the message synced to his iPod from his Google account. For us, this would mean that he only could have sent that text to her between 2009 and 2014. We bought the new laptop in 2009 and we didn't start using Gmail until about that time. Am I paranoid? Am I being completely irrational? Do I have a right to be concerned about where his loyalty lies and whether he truly loves me? 

One of my therapists said that I don't have the right to ask him to sacrifice his happiness for mine. In other words, I shouldn't be asking him to change his behaviors if it makes him happy. But I sacrifice my happiness everyday. For 16 years I've sacrificed. I enabled this behavior by staying; therefore I should live with the consequences. My husband thinks that everything he does is innocent because he's not looking for sex. He just wants to have fun. He wants to continue to stay in contact with his ex-girlfriends; go bar hopping; stay out until dawn; and form any type of new relationship with anyone he pleases, just as long as he doesn't cross that line. “There’s nothing physical going on so I’m okay.” The truth is, I don’t have any evidence of infidelity. But I can't help the fact that this behavior seems unfair to me.

I have already initiated the separation proceedings because I can't help but feel like this man doesn't love me. He's not fighting for me. He won't do what it takes to fight for our marriage and our children. He's choosing them over me and I feel betrayed. Sometimes I wonder if he just stuck around because he didn't want the financial burden of child support and alimony. After couple’s therapy, I realized that I'm harboring a lot of resentment and mentally I couldn't handle everything that was going on. I just can't shake this feeling of betrayal. Am I overreacting? Do I need to be more open-minded for the sake of our marriage? There are people in far worse situations and I'm whining about something I have no evidence it even happened. Should I just be grateful he hasn't admitted infidelity and move on?


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

If it doesn't feel right, it's NOT!!! 

I've had a similar experience to yours with the feelings of doubt and questioning being ungrateful. But... having lived like that for many years, the worst things finally came true: After 18 years of marriage and two kids with me being a SAHM, he decided to leave me for a MUCH younger woman. I had cancer (caught early thank God), then turned 50, and then learned my 18 year marriage (and 22 year relationship) was over because of a 36 year old woman. 

While not military, we moved a lot due to his job. He worked in a business that required a lot of evening events related to the entertainment business. That meant lots of alcohol and lots of women. He traveled a lot for work too, so often not even home. That left me as primary caregiver. I gave up my career so he could follow his. I was often lonely and unhappy, and I suspected other women at some point. 

Hindsight is 20-20, but now I can say I was stupid to stay with him as long as we stayed together. I ferreted out an infidelity when I suspected it back in 2000, but my kids were little and we had been moving so much I wanted to give it a chance. He changed jobs, was home more, and it worked out... for a while. But then it went back to more travel and more suspicions on my part. Many of the same type of things you write about. Many female contacts, and a seemingly hidden life. I now can say all my suspicions were true. I wish I had bailed out 15 years ago. But now I'm 50 with two kids close to college, wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. 

No matter what the situation, you should NEVER just suck up and feel grateful!!! If it feels bad, then it IS bad.... for you. You are not "old-fashioned" and even if you were, so what? But simply put, you are not ok with all the women, particularly young ones. I wasn't ok with my spouse's lifestyle, and by what you describe, it was much milder than your spouse's. I think you are doing the right thing and taking steps to take care of yourself. I can tell you while it's hard and I do mourn for my family life dream, I do feel better about myself as a person, and have found some peace of mind not having to worry anymore about all the what-if's. Now I'm dealing with the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's".


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Throughout your marriage, it seems (based on your post) that you've failed to enforce any boundaries you tried to lay out. You didn't HAVE to let him move back in with you. You let his temper tantrums change your behaviour. 

It's time for you to change that. That's the only way you'll get things back in a healthy balance. Him admitting infidelity or not means nothing. 

C


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

SadNAlone, I am sorry you find yourself and your children in this situation, but IMHO you are doing the right thing. Get rid of this jerk as fast as you can. Let's review some of the facts as you presented them:

1. A few days after giving birth to our second child, I caught him in the act of trying to come on to a teenage neighbor of ours.

2. I found comments he'd made online to a seventeen year old girl dressed in only her underwear. He couldn't send her enough comments telling her how beautiful she was and what he would do if she were with him.

3. He’s texting at all hours and his contacts list has over 30 women in it, and that does not include his mom and two sisters. He sends over 1600 texts a month. 

4. He's out until the early morning hours in clubs with other women. He keeps profiles on dating sites, he's listed himself as single on Facebook, has blocked me from viewing any of his friends or posts 

5. I also learned that he's lied to me about keeping in touch with a girl he dated over 17 years ago. Then I found a text he'd written her professing his love. He'd told her that he'd never stop loving her and that he wanted to be with her.

6. My husband thinks that everything he does is innocent because he's not looking for sex. He just wants to have fun. He wants to continue to stay in contact with his ex-girlfriends; go bar hopping; stay out until dawn; and form any type of new relationship with anyone he pleases, just as long as he doesn't cross that line. “There’s nothing physical going on so I’m okay.” The truth is, I don’t have any evidence of infidelity. But I can't help the fact that this behavior seems unfair to me.

See how statement 6 conflicts with the facts shown in statements 1 to 5? Statement 6 doesn't even make sense. Out until all hours in clubs, keeps in touch with exes, forms relationships with whomever he wants, but it's "innocent", "he's not looking for sex", and "there's nothing physical going on."

Men who make inappropriate statements to 17 year old girls on the internet, stay out until dawn, and send 1600 texts a month all while married are not "not looking for sex." 

And as far as infidelity, statement 5 is proof of emotional infidelity or an emotional affair (EA). He told another woman that he is in love with her. 

If you aren't sure that it's wrong to be telling someone out side the marriage that you love them, or if he's feeding you this line of manure, try turning it around. Tell the creep that you have reconnected with a former boyfriend and realize the love never died, that you are in love with someone other than your "husband." I predict your husband will suddenly come to the conclusion that it is indeed unacceptable.

Please do yourself a kindness and remove him from your life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are NOT making the wrong decision, your H is a cheating dog! Hell no you dont just "suck it up"!


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