# I hurt my fiancee by deleting pics of her ex.



## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

So I'm posting here for advice being is i am trying to make up for a serious mistake i made in handling a situation with her. So the story goes almost a year ago my fiancee (girlfriend at the time) was living with me and we were slowly rolling around to the idea of marriage, so in doing so we were both talking about thing in our life's we needed to come to peace with. Her biggest one was re-structuring her relationship with her ex whom she has 2 kids with. One of the ways she was going to go about this was to go through her big stack of pictures (all on CDs) and delete him from them so she could still have all of her pictures of the kids for her and our photo albums (digital or otherwise.) 

As she was doing this she invited me into the process explaining to me what she was doing and how she wanted it done, (delete anything with him in it/or if its a picture with him and the kids to crop him out). I quickly decided to not be part of it as it kinda hurt me to be looking at pictures of her old life. Well after about 2 to 3 weeks of the Cd's sitting on the coffee table i got bored one day and went through about 6 of the 20 or so discs and deleted all of the pictures i felt she wanted me to. Now i have to admit that in doing so it made me feel better because we had been fighting a lot at that time over him and his place in our life's. But at the same time i honestly thought i was doing her a favor and in a way i felt like she would be happy that i did it being is she kept putting it off and we kept getting into little arguments over the fact that she wasn't doing it. Keep in mind that this whole thing was her idea (deleting/cropping the pics), she repeatedly told me what she was planning on doing and in no way did she ever suggest to me that she wanted to hold on to any of the pictures for any reason. So after i went through a couple discs i threw them away and told her about it. 

She got mad, then told me how she understood why i did it, and told me that the only reason she was mad was because she had thought of saving a couple select pictures to give to him so he had some of the kids. My response to this was OK you still have 15 more discs to go through, can you still do this with what is left? her answer was yes and it ended right there...or so i thought. a couple days later i took out the trash and found all the garbage bags ripped open and all the discs that were thrown away were gone. So i go and ask her about it, she admits that she dug them out and hid them, to this i started feeling like i was being mislead and started feeling hurt that she would go through so much trouble to save pictures of her ex. So i asked her if she would throw them away and we could put this whole thing behind us, she agreed and we did. 

Flash forward to present day and her and i have hit a spot where we are separated but working very hard on coming back together being is she is now pregnant with my 1st child. Now it seems the only thing that she is upset about/holding against me is this scenario. She says that she is incredibly hurt that i would do that to her, she is hurt that she would let me do that to her and she doesn't know if she will ever get over it. She says that it was "her job" to do and she is accusing me of being that type of over controlling/manipulative person that i really am not. 

Now don't get me wrong, i totally understand that she is hurt, i now understand WHY she is hurt and i feel like a gigantic ass for doing what i did. In principle i know i was wrong, i over stepped my bounds, i took her offer of involvement and ran with it and i put her in a position where she felt like i was going behind her back and destroying something that she wanted to destroy herself. I robbed her of that and that's what she hold against me the most. Since this i have come along way in dealing with the blended family and her ex in general and i have even cleared the air with him and am working on being the best step dad i can be with him still being in those kids life's. Now i have done a recovery on my PC where i have been able to retrieve most of the pics that got deleted and have apologized profusely and i want to make this right by her. She is very upset still and i am at such a huge loss, i don't know what to do except apologize, get the pictures back and promise to never do something like that again but i fear that its not enough. Please help me, i love the hell out of this woman and want desperately to make this work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

That's one big wall of text. It's hard to read. Maybe you should break it into paragraphs.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

No more apologies.

Tell her it is apparent that despite the facts surrounding the situation, she is not willing to forgive and that is no basis to advance into a marriage. Ask her if she is willing to derail the marriage based on this. Because if she can't get over this, you're headed for more crap.

Some couples therapy may help. One thing my marriage counselor told us recently is that there must be forgiveness in a marriage. If there isn't, the marriage can't work.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

All this drama................over pics of her life before you where she has 2 kids with someone else? 

Sorry, but that's her kid's Dad and one way or another he will ALWAYS be in the picture. You knew this going in, but his pics bother you? :scratchhead:


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with Southern Wife. If my bf got rid of my ex fiances pictures I wouldn't give a DAMN. I have no attachment to him or them. 

She had the chance to destroy them herself after she dug them out of the trash. But you know what? She HID them instead.

Flames not quite gone for that ex I'd say.. Hell, I'm indifferent / dislike my exes.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

Well to be honest, yes, in a lot of ways i did have a really hard time at first dealing with the ex. Not only was he abusive and neglectful to the kids whom i love as my own but she had nothing but terrible terrible things to say about him, and was very good at convincing me that i SHOULD hate this guy. Like i said, i was weak and have since come a long way from where i was at in that scenario. I have never been a parent before, let alone a step parent and there were a lot of things i needed to learn...and i have. But i do agree with the sediment...it was really dumb, i see that now.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm sorry but you can't be responsible for this entirely. There was a major communication breakdown. She told you she wanted you to be a part of the process but you declined. But then you changed your mind not knowing she had changed HER mind about doing it all by herself. This is simply a communication issue. It doesn't need to be Dooms Day. I understand that she may want certain pictures kept for the sake of the children as they get older but in the scheme of things this is pretty minor, in my opinion. 

Honestly, she needs to let this go. And you need to accept less responsibility for it. 

I am concerned as to how she's going to react when you REALLY screw up!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You should have left the photos for her to deal with, but that's history now - what you're dealing with now is the present. If she feels that she can never get over you deleting the photos, then I don't see any foundation on which to build a marriage. You've apologized, you can't do more, and it's up to her to deal with how she intends handling this from now on.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Have either of you checked the 'Recycle Bin' on the computer to see if the pics are still there?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

southern wife said:


> All this drama................over pics of her life before you where she has 2 kids with someone else?
> 
> Sorry, but that's her kid's Dad and one way or another he will ALWAYS be in the picture. You knew this going in, but his pics bother you? :scratchhead:


:iagree:

I totally agree on this. I am inclined to say 'grow up'. She has selected you, and you are controlling, insecure and childish.

Huh. thats an ad homenim attack. Sorry. What I mean is - your decision to take and toss pictures in some crazy attempt to purge the uncomfortable (for you) bits of someone elses life is inexcusable. It is perverse and a towering example of selfishness. 

You do NOT break trust like that, making a decision to delete memories for someone else. These arenot just pictures of her 'her ex' right? These are pictures of he,her ex, kids maybe. Good times maybe. I dont care what she did - you are totally in the wrong here. You shoud say so - own it, and find out if she is willing to forgive you. 'im sorry' isnt enough. You need to articulate that you understand the magnitude of what you have done - and what the motivation is for you to take those steps.

Her reaction - according to your account - makes me wonder if your descriptions of things has been sanitized or is not exactly the way she would describe them - but thats just me speculating.

If my (fiancee) did that to me - I can tell you one thing - I would have ditched her so fast her head would spin. Strike 1, done. If I had been digging in the trash for a CD - I bet I had good reason.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

kipani said:


> Flames not quite gone for that ex I'd say.. Hell, I'm indifferent / dislike my exes.


Not necessarily. I divorced my ex over 25 years ago and I still have my wedding photographs and photographs of my ex with our son. I don't keep them for personal sentimental reasons, but feel that I have to keep them for our son one day.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

I have owned up to it, i do fully accept responsibility for my actions. And i am going way beyond just saying "sorry" i have recovered almost all the pictures and they are hers to do whatever she pleases with them. I was wrong for all the reasons that are obvious. And yes i was insecure and yes i did act childish. We are all human, i screwed up, i admit that and want to make it right, let alone never do it again because i have learned from it and i never plan on doing anything like it again.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Not necessarily. I divorced my ex over 25 years ago and I still have my wedding photographs and photographs of my ex with our son. I don't keep them for personal sentimental reasons, but feel that * I have to keep them for our son one day.*


Ex's are Ex's for many reasons. But when you have a child with that person, you can't just "erase the past" by tossing out the pics. That person is still very much part of the present and future of the child. 

OP, my advice to tell your pregnant wife that you made a huge mistake, you did it because you were feeling selfish and jealous, and that you love her and want to be with her.....and feeling that way about her...it's hard to see her with another man. But also tell her you know she had a life and kids before you, and you respect that. Tell her that you're looking forward to YOUR life WITH her and your child!  

Come on, dude, pour it out..................not just "I'm sorry!"


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Friend - Im not trying to make you feel worse, but I admit... I was horrified by this. Yikes.

You need to throw yourself on the mercy of the court. That was a class-A mess up and I bet its going to take some work to recover some of the trust that was lost. She is nver going to forget that if you deleted a pic of her or someone that she cherished - possibly for reasons you dont even relize. You now.. the time she blew milk out her nose? Whatever. She may be able to forgive - but she will not forget.

Good luck.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

mrmartin406 said:


> I have owned up to it, i do fully accept responsibility for my actions. And i am going way beyond just saying "sorry" i have recovered almost all the pictures and they are hers to do whatever she pleases with them. I was wrong for all the reasons that are obvious. And yes i was insecure and yes i did act childish. We are all human, i screwed up, i admit that and want to make it right, let alone never do it again because i have learned from it and i never plan on doing anything like it again.


Ok good! So what was her reaction and are you still separated?


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

This has all come back up in the last 24 hours. For the last 10 months or so it hasn't been talked about once since it happened. I have been pouring my heart out to her. I feel like a huge ******* because i see how i messed up, i don't want to be that, I'm trying to be better everyday.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

So are you still separated?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't agree with most of these posts, I'm afraid. 

Sure, it's her child's father, but her behaviors weren't the "I'm putting these away for my child to enjoy someday." They were the "I'm putting you to the test to see how jealous I can make you" variety. Inviting you to stand around looking at pics of her with the ex, and when you don't, leaving the CDs in plain sight for you to gaze upon day after day - even after you had arguments about it! Then, when you did nothing more than comply with what she said you could do, she flies into a panic, digs them out of the trash, hides, them. Oh, I forgot, and says she was going to take time to make a nice little gift for her ex. Isn't that just the icing on this sweet little cake? 

I'm being harsh here, because I imagine she was conflicted and her behavior at the time may have been understandable to some degree. However, today it's not. Her anger over it stems from her own unfulfilled fantasies more than anything you did.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

yes, she has been gone for about a month. She left because of other reasons which we have worked through due to most of them were stress from a rough couple months of me working 70+ hours a week for 2 1/2 months straight. We have been going to counseling, everything was moving forward and we came to a point where we were planning on moving back in together and moving forward with our life's and then we hit a brick wall and this is the why i guess.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> ...Her anger over it stems from her own unfulfilled fantasies more than anything you did.


Im going to call BS on this point.

We dont know her motivations. I think it equally likely that she was keeping pictures for the same reason I keep them. Not because she want to have sex with her Ex or is inflicting some kind of jelousy test. 'unfulfiled fantasies'. Yeah, right.

The OP should be able to discern that, but you simply dont do this anymore than you would throw away someone elses college yearbooks or their old presents received from others etc.

People DID have lives before someone else came into the picture to 'clean house' for them to their liking.

Sounds like they are working through it - but that this has surfaced in the way that it has - just before moving back in together - 10 months later - to me sort of agrees with my perception of the situation. Hopefully they will be able to get past it.

The 'brick wall' may simply be that she is still unconvinced that she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone who would do that. I have no idea. You may need to decide how long this can continue for yourself. You are in NO position to suggest an ultimatum - but to me a year should be plenty of time for her to determine if she is willing to let it go of if you both need to move on. She will not be able to use this as an axe to grind for all time.

Whats it worth to you, I guess is the question. Keep in mind that she is still in the picture (no pun intended..), so thats a good sign.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can't agree with most of these posts, I'm afraid.
> 
> Sure, it's her child's father, but her behaviors weren't the "I'm putting these away for my child to enjoy someday." They were the "I'm putting you to the test to see how jealous I can make you" variety. _Inviting you to stand around looking at pics of her with the ex, and when you don't, leaving the CDs in plain sight for you to gaze upon day after day - even after you had arguments about it!_ Then, when you did nothing more than comply with what she said you could do, she flies into a panic, digs them out of the trash, hides, them. Oh, I forgot, and says she was going to take time to make a nice little gift for her ex. Isn't that just the icing on this sweet little cake?
> 
> I'm being harsh here, because I imagine she was conflicted and her behavior at the time may have been understandable to some degree. However, today it's not. Her anger over it stems from her own unfulfilled fantasies more than anything you did.


You make a good point. I don't think it was a good idea for the OP's GF to involve him in anything to do with the CDS.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

I agree, i was weak and i should of never have done it. I have grown a lot in this relationship and things like this i know i don't want in a relationship or want from myself, i know I'm better than the decision i made. I want to be better, and i haven't ever done anything like this to her in the past or since, i do not feel like this is indicative of who i am more so a very bad decision i made when she was telling me that she wanted help in doing so.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

My current wife kinda fussed because I did not toss half dozen pics of her ex (her sons D) LOL. I told her that it was NOT my job to do that so she politely took them and trashed em lol. now my step son has his own private photo album with pics of him and his dad, he keeps them in his room which is perfectly fine with me. 

personally i think both of you are to blame for this issue there seems to be an extreme lack of communication.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Im going to call BS on this point.
> 
> We dont know her motivations. I think it equally likely that she was keeping pictures for the same reason I keep them. Not because she want to have sex with her Ex or is inflicting some kind of jelousy test. 'unfulfiled fantasies'. Yeah, right.
> 
> ...


Keep in mind... She did not LOSE anything. If she had, I would empathize with her more. But she didn't, AND he was just doing what she had already said would be fine for him to do. The OP has said he hadn't done anything like this before or since, so it's not like she's condemning a character trait that she's seen a zillion times.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> You make a good point. I don't think it was a good idea for the OP's GF to involve him anything to do with the CDS.


I sort of agree here, but it is a big logical leap for me to go from 'maybe insensitive' to 'malicious' or 'manipulative'. Couples do things together out of good will.. even this.

If they were arguing about them - one, the other, or both - have some issues to deal with.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

Honestly i really feel like if they hadn't been put in front of me, offered to me to join in on filtering them and then left in front of me for weeks i never would have touched them...just like i never touched them for the 2 years prior to this happening, or have since done. If they would have been put away somewhere privet or even if she would have told me "hey I'm saving these for the kids" i guarantee that i would have never of gone digging through anything or touched them. But she had them out on the coffee table for weeks and she was saving them all to my laptop so i would be seeing them regardless, and to top it she was very blunt when she said "I'm deleting or cropping him out of ALL of these."


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mrmartin406 said:


> Honestly i really feel like if they hadn't been put in front of me, offered to me to join in on filtering them and then left in front of me for weeks i never would have touched them...just like i never touched them for the 2 years prior to this happening, or have since done. If they would have been put away somewhere privet or even if she would have told me "hey I'm saving these for the kids" i guarantee that i would have never of gone digging through anything or touched them. But she had them out on the coffee table for weeks and she was saving them all to my laptop so i would be seeing them regardless.


I believe this 100%. 

How often have you felt like you were at fault for problems in your relationship? I'm trying to figure out if this was a one-off or if other problems you've been working through have to do with her getting angry unreasonably.

BTW, AnotherGuy, I don't think she was malicious or manipulative either. I think it was likely subconscious on her part. Her behavior right now might also be, too, although it smacks of a power struggle.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you are not telling us all of the reasons you are separated but hyperfocusing on deleting pix that have since been recovered. You alluded to working 70 1/2 hrs. per week as another "issue."

You seem like a nice working man who is excited about getting married & having a baby. 

I find her trash-talking her ex a red flag. Unless he is an alcoholic-druggie-wife-beating-child-molester, it would behoove you to find out her issues that contributed to her divorce. 

Let's face it. She has baggage that is traveling into a new marriage with you. No disrespect, we all have baggage & I think you are seeing a new side to her that you didn't before possibly? 

It is one thing to delete important pics forever, but you have retrieved them, apologized over & over & she is still being "cold" about it.

Why can't her heart love you enough to forgive you? Try asking her.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

The more I think about this, the more I dislike the ideaof someone simply editing out pictures from their photographic library. The idea seems alien to me - especially pictures depicting family life.... yes from a 'prior life'...

MrMartin - be honest. Was this her idea, or was this simply something she agreed to do because you asked for it? Your idea or hers? I am assuming this was your idea, I could be fantastically wrong.

Still wouldnt change my overall feeling on it, I guess. But if this was your idea and she was complying to move the relationship 'forward'.. it would make more sense to me.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

mrmartin406 said:


> Honestly i really feel like if they hadn't been put in front of me, offered to me to join in on filtering them and then left in front of me for weeks i never would have touched them...just like i never touched them for the 2 years prior to this happening, or have since done. If they would have been put away somewhere privet or even if she would have told me "hey I'm saving these for the kids" i guarantee that i would have never of gone digging through anything or touched them. But she had them out on the coffee table for weeks and she was saving them all to my laptop so i would be seeing them regardless, and to top it she was very blunt when she said "I'm deleting or cropping him out of ALL of these."


yeah I see your point however she may have been saying that to you just to make you feel included (who knows) but not really meaning to actually delete or get rid of them. One thing is obvious is she did NOT have intentions on actually getting rid of them or she would never have went dumpster diving to get them back, now maybe she still would have been upset that you did it without checking with her (again) but she would NOT have retrieved them if she really planned on getting rid of them. What that means.....only she knows!!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Keep in mind that she is still in the picture (no pun intended..), so thats a good sign.


And now she will ALWAYS be in the picture because she is YOUR baby's Momma!


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I believe this 100%.
> 
> How often have you felt like you were at fault for problems in your relationship? I'm trying to figure out if this was a one-off or if other problems you've been working through have to do with her getting angry unreasonably.


She has a way of bottling up her emotions and going way overboard when its time to let it out. which is pretty much the summation of the reasons why we split up in the first place, no conversation, just one big blow up followed by, I'm moving out i need my space. But counseling has helped us out a ton...however this inst something that ever came up in counseling...or otherwise in any way...until last night.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Are you SURE this is about the pix from a YEAR AGO...or is this just an excuse to DUMP ON YOU because she's still upset about whatever it is that caused your current separation?

What caused the separation (IF you want to tell us) or HOW IS SHE DEALING WITH whatever it was that caused your separation?

Maybe the pix are just a smokescreen.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> The more I think about this, the more I dislike the ideaof someone simply editing out pictures from their photographic library. The idea seems alien to me - especially pictures depicting family life.... yes from a 'prior life'...
> 
> MrMartin - be honest. Was this her idea, or was this simply something she agreed to do because you asked for it? Your idea or hers? I am assuming this was your idea, I could be fantastically wrong.
> 
> Still wouldnt change my overall feeling on it, I guess. But if this was your idea and she was complying to move the relationship 'forward'.. it would make more sense to me.


Yes it was her idea, I heard over and over again about how she needed to do it so she could enjoy looking through the pictures and not seeing him. So when she finally decided to do it, i was all about it, but i did not force her or pressure her in any way. The entire idea was hers, i thought i was just helping...but i was very wrong.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mrmartin406 said:


> Yes it was her idea, I heard over and over again about how she needed to do it so she could enjoy looking through the pictures and not seeing him. So when she finally decided to do it, i was all about it, but i did not force her or pressure her in any way. The entire idea was hers, i thought i was just helping...but i was very wrong.


Whenever I hear a man say how he doesn't hit women without any reason for that to become part of a conversation, I know he's abusive. When I hear a woman say she's over someone again and again even though nobody has asked, I know darn well she isn't. 

Just sayin...


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Are you SURE this is about the pix from a YEAR AGO...or is this just an excuse to DUMP ON YOU because she's still upset about whatever it is that caused your current separation?
> 
> What caused the separation (IF you want to tell us) or HOW IS SHE DEALING WITH whatever it was that caused your separation?
> 
> Maybe the pix are just a smokescreen.


I'm not sure, for all the reasons we separated this was never once mentioned as one of them. Me being disconnected from her and the kids, me being short or snappy with the kids, me wanting her to update her parenting plan to fit her new life and me not being 100% comfortable with her ex were all reasons why we separated, but this was never mentioned. i have since gone to therapy, committed to spending more time with her and the kids, being more patient with the kids even when i am exhausted, and reached out and got on the same page with her ex. I'm over all the reasons why the separation happened, we were even planning on moving back in together at the end of the month. Then a week ago her cousin (whom she is staying with) filed for divorce and no more than 2 days later we hit a brick wall. She started getting really nasty to me and was trying to back out of working on us. I had a great conversation with her mother last night about positive thinking and moving forward and today its this.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> Whenever I hear a man say how he doesn't hit women without any reason for that to become part of a conversation, I know he's abusive. When I hear a woman say she's over someone again and again even though nobody has asked, I know darn well she isn't.
> 
> Just sayin...



uhhh maybe i'm overlooking it but where does he say "he doesn't hit women without any reason?" :scratchhead:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Whenever I hear a man say how he doesn't hit women without any reason for that to become part of a conversation, I know he's abusive. When I hear a woman say she's over someone again and again even though nobody has asked, I know darn well she isn't.
> 
> Just sayin...


The red flag to me was her wanting to give her ex some select ones so he had some of the kids. It sounds to much like a present, especially since all she needs to do is copy the CDs and let him keep the ones he want to. If he is really as awful as she portrays him, why would she want to give him that type of present?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Are you SURE this is about the pix from a YEAR AGO...or is this just an excuse to DUMP ON YOU because she's still upset about whatever it is that caused your current separation?
> 
> What caused the separation (IF you want to tell us) or HOW IS SHE DEALING WITH whatever it was that caused your separation?
> 
> Maybe the pix are just a smokescreen.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> The red flag to me was her wanting to give her ex some select ones so he had some of the kids. It sounds to much like a present, especially since all she needs to do is copy the CDs and let him keep the ones he want to. If he is really as awful as she portrays him, why would she want to give him that type of present?


The "ex" is very involved in this relationship.......


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> If he is really as awful as she portrays him, why would she want to give him that type of present?


Maybe because she cares about her children?


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> The red flag to me was her wanting to give her ex some select ones so he had some of the kids. It sounds to much like a present, especially since all she needs to do is copy the CDs and let him keep the ones he want to. If he is really as awful as she portrays him, why would she want to give him that type of present?


I kind of agree with that thought, the thing i asked her was "has he had a chance to get these pictures himself?" her answer "yes" i would ask "did he ever make any effort to or show you in any way he wanted any pictures?" her answer "no"...if she said she wanted to save them for the kids i would of got that. that makes perfect sense to me...but she never did...she only said she wanted to save them so she could give them to him, and even when she got mad at me the first time she was saying basically "how would you like it if someone deleted your pictures of you with your kids?" which i get, but the focus was not on the kids...until this time around.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Maybe because she cares about her children?


Then give him copies of the CDs, or make copies of the CDs for the kids? Giving him a select few sounds too much like a mix-tape/best of collection. She selects a few important pictures, which has her reliving all those good times with her ex. If he is this awful human, why do that? Why not make copies of the CDs and then give them to him? 

She is putting a level of effort into these pictures that is not consistent with her alleged feelings for him.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

The more you reveal about this the worse I feel for you. I think your fiancee was looking for reasons to get away from this and her leaving those pictures out was a psychological attack. I also think she is cheating on you. What she did sounds absurd to me. She baited you into to that so she could get away from you. I don't think she wants to marry you and it sounds like she likes to victimize herself too much. I don't agree with the other posters saying you should profusely apologize anymore than you already have. She purposely didn't delete those pictures because she was waiting for you to make a move and give you that "final straw" reaction. She has all the power in this relationship it seems.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

And to think some people still look at me funny when i say i wouldn't date a woman with kids... Just look at this mess. She wants to throw the pics away, then she doesn't then she hides the CDs from the new guy... And you guys are giving him the heat for it? Screw that! Seems like she isn't over the ex yet and the OP is better off without her.



> Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
> The red flag to me was her wanting to give her ex some select ones so he had some of the kids. It sounds to much like a present, especially since all she needs to do is copy the CDs and let him keep the ones he want to. If he is really as awful as she portrays him, why would she want to give him that type of present?


I agree, it's effort and customization. Something you would not do just as a care of respect to an Ex.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> The give him copies of the CDs, or make copies of the CDs for the kids? Giving him a select few sounds too much like a mix-tape/best of collection. She selects a few important pictures, which has her reliving all those good times with her ex. If he is this awful human, why do that? Why not make copies of the CDs and then give them to him?
> 
> She is putting a level of effort into these pictures that is not consistent with her alleged feelings for him.


:iagree: 

Perhaps she has other pics on the CDs and just wants to go through them?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

costa200 said:


> And to think some people still look at me funny when i say i wouldn't date a woman with kids... Just look at this mess. *She wants to throw the pics away, then she doesn't then she hides the CDs from the new guy... And you guys are giving him the heat for it?* Screw that! Seems like she isn't over the ex yet and the OP is better off without her.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree, it's effort and customization. Something you would not do just as a care of respect to an Ex.


Exactly! Really :wtf:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

dblkman said:


> uhhh maybe i'm overlooking it but where does he say "he doesn't hit women without any reason?" :scratchhead:


You misunderstood my post. I was not talking about the OP. I was saying that some people announce their guilt by the way they deny having guilt.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

We both have our own issues, I just want to move forward, for us, for our family and for our child whom is on the way.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

mrmartin406 said:


> We both have our own issues, *I just want to move forward*.


Of course you do, and that's what is called "rug sweeping". Just sweep it away, but it will always be there. 

You need to have some heart to heart talks with her...................then you can move forward................with or without her.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> I sort of agree here, but it is a big logical leap for me to go from 'maybe insensitive' to 'malicious' or 'manipulative'. Couples do things together out of good will.. even this.
> 
> If they were arguing about them - one, the other, or both - have some issues to deal with.


:iagree:


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Of course you do, and that's what is called "rug sweeping". Just sweep it away, but it will always be there.
> 
> You need to have some heart to heart talks with her...................then you can move forward................with or without her.


I didn't mean move forward without resolution, more so move forward in a progressive way due to the fact that this popped up and is now put us at a standstill. I have no intention of ever even getting close to making a similar decision. I have learned from this, and it will not happen again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You list one of reasons for your separation being



> me not being 100% comfortable with her ex


Tell us more about this part....


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> some people announce their guilt by the way they deny having guilt


 She was making the same point Shakespeare made: "*The lady doth protest too much, methinks*." [Hamlet Act 3, scene 2]


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> You list one of reasons for your separation being "me not being 100% comfortable with her ex "
> 
> Tell us more about this part....


Uh oh. The heavy hitters are coming... and with a nice pickup...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She told you she wanted to throw away the pics.
She told you what she thought you might like to hear.

You didn't want to be involved.
You failed a major s**t test.

You went and deleted them.
She had a royal kimchi fit.

She went as low as to dig in the trash for the CDs.
She is DESPERATE to keep those pics.

She, rather than getting rid of them, kept them in her secret hiding place.
She SO DESPERATELY wants to keep those pics.

She brings it up to this day.
She will constantly remind you of all and any ways you were "insensitive"

Face it bud-she has no intention of getting rid of the pics, and the sad fact is...

...she is still pining over her ex.

Oh, and then she says she needs "space".

I hate to say it, but you are definitely NOT first in her list of priorities. Are you certain you want to marry her?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> She was making the same point Shakespeare made: "*The lady doth protest too much, methinks*." [Hamlet Act 3, scene 2]


THAT'S the line I was trying to remember earlier!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Ohhh ok my bad


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You list one of reasons for your separation being
> 
> 
> 
> Tell us more about this part....


Mostly it was his interactions with the kids, he never did a damn thing with them, sit them in front of a tv and do drugs and play video games. The kids had no bed at his house they slept on the dirty floor or on the couch with the dogs. They came home with skin rashes and unbathed/unfed most of the time. She was in complete denile about the whole thing, she calls him the "weekend babysitter" and admits that the only reason she keeps him around is because when she had to make the parenting plan to get goverment assistance (daycare), and she chose to send them up on the wekends so she could be free to do what she wanted, and she got child support. Then the afterthought that comes when i call her on this is" he is thier father and he has rights." 
So by the time i started figuring out how she was playing this guy i started feeling bad for the guy and started asking her to be real with him, which was not well recieved. My issues were seldom the jelousy or insecure issues, however i will admit there were definatley times where that wasnt the case. I am only human and when he's sending her text messages at 5:30 in the morning or at midnight telling her that he misses the girls and wants her to tell them he loves them and misses his family...it starts wearing on you. Or maybe its just me.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What kind of a Mother puts her children in a situation where they are not bathed & fed? That is child endangerment & against the law & she is guilty also - putting them in harms way so she could be free on the weekends. What a mess......


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Emerald said:


> What kind of a Mother puts her children in a situation where they are not bathed & fed? That is child endangerment & against the law & she is guilty also - putting them in harms way so she could be free on the weekends. What a mess......


:iagree:

If they were my children, them being around drugs whilst in the ex's care would mean that he wouldn't have unsupervised access until he cleaned up his act.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

mrmartin406 said:


> ...we were even planning on moving back in together at the end of the month. Then a week ago her cousin (whom she is staying with) filed for divorce and no more than 2 days later we hit a brick wall. She started getting really nasty to me and was trying to back out of working on us.


You need to get her out of there. Cousin will be feeding her "all men are a-holes" crap for as long as she is there and you will never get her back into the marriage if she has that influence.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Hmm...I totally understand your frustration and why you decided to go through and delete him. As long as you didn't delete pictures where her kids were in them, I don't see the problem. I think she was trying to convince you as well as herself that she really wanted to delete his pics, but deep down she must not have wanted to or something because why would she even care? 

I must admit...there's been a few pictures of "old flames" of my husband's go disappearing into oblivion in my house. I'm sure he might be upset if he ever found out but I don't care.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

When the ex and I split, I went through all of the photos and gave him all of the pictures of him and our daughter together or pictures of her with his family members and half of the photos of just her. I destroyed all but one of the photos of just us two.

I don't think she OR you should have destroyed pictures of him and his children. 

That aside, she overreacted to what was meant to be a helpful gesture and both need to apologize, forgive and move on.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I totally agree on this. I am inclined to say 'grow up'. She has selected you, and you are controlling, insecure and childish.
> 
> ...


Crud!

She INVITED him to do it and gave him SPECIFIC instructions on how to do it.

If she changed her mind, the responsibility for that falls on HER.

He says they constantly argue over him. Now it could be because he's a jealous PITA...or it could be because the fiance is constantly bringing him up inappropriately (or both! Why choose one?)

We don't know. We just know the facts on the ground. And he didn't do ALL the pictures. So I disagree with this advice. It's a venal sin at best.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Maybe because she cares about her children?


She didn't say 'give them to her children.' She said 'give them to her ex.'

This is specific.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

JCD said:


> She didn't say 'give them to her children.' She said 'give them to her ex.'
> 
> This is specific.


Yes, because the children are the ex's.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

JCD - read the original post carefully. The story is full of holes and the relationship is a disaster. Playing referee and assigning blame is pointless here probably - unless they both can actually figure out how to behave like adults. She is playing games. They are both not only insecure but vindictive.

So - I say 'good luck'.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Yes, because the children are the ex's.


Giving pictures to the kids involves a box or a photo album carefully put away. Because SHE has the kids. No problem giving them to the kids.

Giving pictures TO THE EX is something different. It's a present.

As stated, there is an easy way to do this. Copy. Mail

Not make a nice personalized photo album with a ribbon around it. 

I think I could copy 15 CDs in half an hour. Another half an hour for a mailer.

But she's 'saving them'. How...sweet...to the ex.

We'll have to agree to disagree.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> JCD - read the original post carefully. The story is full of holes and the relationship is a disaster. Playing referee and assigning blame is pointless here probably - unless they both can actually figure out how to behave like adults. She is playing games. They are both not only insecure but vindictive.
> 
> So - I say 'good luck'.


I disagree. I think the OP was just a bit naive. I think his fiancée is manipulating him. It's not his fault he's not a mind reader. And it seems he was trying hard to deal with his insecurities. He approached her rationally about issues. I really don't think he is a messed up as you are saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

JCD said:


> As stated, there is an easy way to do this. Copy. Mail
> 
> Not make a nice personalized photo album with a ribbon around it.


*I never said anything about nice photo album, ribbons, etc. :scratchhead: You must have me confused with someone else. *

So, sure I'll :iagree: to disagree. :scratchhead:


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

OP, she did you a favor by seperating. Please love yourself and move on.


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

jfv said:


> OP, she did you a favor by seperating. Please love yourself and move on.


thank you, my biggest concern at this point is the future of my child whom is very much on the way still...she treats her ex as nothing more than a paycheck and a "weekend babysitter"...I am more than capible of caring for my child. I make enough, i have family that can help, i can prove it. She has a part time job, she is living with her cousin sharing a room and a bed with her kids. I still worry that she is just going to try to make me the same as her ex. BTW she was never married to this guy, she used him for a kid when she was 16, then stuck around because the 2nd was an accident. She tried to run away from the ex with the 1st kid but the guy she was going to run away with didnt want her after he found out she was pregnant with the 2nd child. Am i really looking at a bad legal situation? Is this one of those thing where the child will not be seperated from the mother? Even though i can prove i am way more suitable to care for the well being of my child?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Man how did you even come to be involved with this woman? She has been a user and manipulator for a long time. This is all of your writing. How can you honestly type all of this and feel bad because you did something that *she* said was going to do and then changed her mind? You came here asking how to save this. You have enabled this and I worry about your self esteem.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> Man how did you even come to be involved with this woman? She has been a user and manipulator for a long time. This is all of your writing. How can you honestly type all of this and feel bad because you did something that *she* said was going to do and then changed her mind? You came here asking how to save this. You have enabled this and I worry about your self esteem.


I don't say this very often, but 'Lighten up, Francis'.

Instead of attributing all sorts of bad intentions on her, how about the rather plausible idea that she is unsure of her intentions and might even be lying to herself. I think she's not over the ex. I'm not sure SHE knows that.

As far as the ribbon thing, this is a GIFT so one assumes SOME care is taken
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

JCD said:


> I don't say this very often, but 'Lighten up, Francis'.
> 
> Instead of attributing all sorts of bad intentions on her, how about the rather plausible idea that she is unsure of her intentions and might even be lying to herself. I think she's not over the ex. I'm not sure SHE knows that.
> 
> ...


If she is not conscious of it that doesn't make it better. That may actually make it worse because she lacks self awareness. And she may refuse to see it. Hence the victimizing. Some of the post roasted the dude when he was just trying to be helpful. I don't think his intentions were bad. So why are you bothered specifically by what I said??

Signed_ Francis_.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> If she is not conscious of it that doesn't make it better. That may actually make it worse because she lacks self awareness. And she may refuse to see it. Hence the victimizing. Some of the post roasted the dude when he was just trying to be helpful. I don't think his intentions were bad. So why are you bothered specifically by what I said??
> 
> Signed_ Francis_.


 Not sure if you saw "Stripes" or not. I'm getting old.

People decieve themselves all the time. Saying she's a nasty manipulative shrew MAY be true. Or she may be lying to herself.

And that makes her no worse then a BS who believes his wife, who was in an EA, is REALLY at Night School. Would you call him bad things. People sometimes aren't sure and don't want to face the truth and lack self awareness.

It's the human condition. It felt like you were calling her evil when she might very well be confused.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

JCD said:


> Not sure if you saw "Stripes" or not. I'm getting old.
> 
> People decieve themselves all the time. Saying she's a nasty manipulative shrew MAY be true. Or she may be lying to herself.
> 
> ...


oh ok. I think she is just selfish and manipulative. I don't think she is the devil in disguise. I'm just wondering with these issues she has, why was that not enough for the OP to decide this is not want he wanted?? I was just countering some of the posts about him being childish and that he screwed up royally. 

The bold is how I took other people's post about the OP. People felt like he made a huge mistake. And the more he spoke about it my perspective was, "Leave him the hell alone and look at her!"


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Cowboy you sound like a fella that doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. You are all over the place. Personally, you are letting her get to you for no reason. She should never have asked you for assistance and when she did you should have told her that was her decision and not yours. If she is working on the pictures you should go do something that makes you happy (golf, gym, hobby, etc...) No need to be mad or happy, it is just a picture. Let her give all the pictures to him, who cares, it's not like she is posting them in the living room. I have to tell you though, I highly doubt there is any correlation between this situation and your marital separation. Concentrate your efforts on being a better you, the rest is very non-productive.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I agree. He didn't make a HUGE mistake...except for expecting consistancy from a woman (sorry girls).

I get it hurt her, but she should certainly leaven her hurt with the fact SHE GAVE HIM THE GREEN LIGHT TO DO IT.

That should STRONGLY count for something. But for her, it doesn't. Hence the diffidence I feel from her.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So I was thinking about this thread today and told my husband about it - well, the first four pages or so. I told him that I thought she wasn't over the ex, and that I'd been surprised at the amount of guilt that was heaped onto the OP at first. 

He said, "The guy should have taken the CDs and put them in a closet when she didn't move them the first time." This coming from a man whose ex-wife tossed all of his daughter's baby pictures, but it was a fair point so I figured I'd mention it. (I know this lesson has already been learned....)


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> So I was thinking about this thread today and told my husband about it - well, the first four pages or so. I told him that I thought she wasn't over the ex, and that I'd been surprised at the amount of guilt that was heaped onto the OP at first.
> 
> He said, "The guy should have taken the CDs and put them in a closet when she didn't move them the first time." This coming from a man whose ex-wife tossed all of his daughter's baby pictures, but it was a fair point so I figured I'd mention it. (I know this lesson has already been learned....)


I agree, i should have never of touched them. I had never of done something like this in the past and i damn sure wont be doing anything like this in the future. If anything when she showed me she wasnt going to move on it in quickly i should have just moved them because it was bugging me that she would just leave them out on the coffee table. I have since recovered most of the pictures and she says she doesnt want them because the "damage is done."


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

mrmartin406 said:


> I agree, i should have never of touched them. I had never of done something like this in the past and i damn sure wont be doing anything like this in the future. If anything when she showed me she wasnt going to move on it in quickly i should have just moved them because it was bugging me that she would just leave them out on the coffee table. I have since recovered most of the pictures and she says she doesnt want them because the "damage is done."


I'm sorry you are stuck with this woman. Men today should be VERY careful about whom they impregnate.

You aren't that morally culpable and you need to stop beating yourself up about it. Seriously.

You need to watch her like a hawk and consider MC.


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## fianceofangler (Oct 7, 2012)

Hire a college kid studying art to crop them out. So cheap and easy for a student. I hate to be off topic and sorry about your situation but this could have been done very fast an painlessly. 

You would not have to be involved in the viewing. Photo touch up/cropping for pay is excellent and unusual on a resume when an art kid is starting out.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Man you got to be more positive about this for yourself and feel more empowered. I really don't think you did anything wrong. Look at her reaction!!! See it was never really about the pictures. She is just manipulating you. She doesnt want to accept your apology or gestures of kindness because then she would relinquish the control she has over you. You do not have to tolerate this disrespect. Are you sure the child is yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrmartin406 (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you for all the opinions, knowledge and advice, i do really appreciate it. We are still going to therapy and i feel much more confident in moving forward, with or without her. I will continue to grow and look at my shortcoming and better myself, i want to, not only for myself but for my child.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

wow some women are like landmines one wrong step and you lose a limb.


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