# need sex in marriage?



## marriedwoman (Apr 30, 2011)

I guess it comes down to this for me: When we make love, it makes me feel connected to him, happy, sexy, desired, and wanted by him. Without it, I feel a very deep disconnect from him, as well as I feel very unwanted. 

Is it normal to feel like this?
I'd like sex about 2 times a week, but he's happy with the 2x month that we're having now. 

He says I need counseling because I'm too emotional over this, and that I shouldn't need sex to feel these things. He says he feels secure about all these thing without sex. I'm very in love with him, but what am I suppose to do if this is never going to change? We've only been married less than 2 years, and are both under 30 years old.

What do you guys think?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i think you are in the same boat with me and others in here, cept im a man. nothing ive tried has had any positive affect on increasing frequency with my wife. i have accepted her as a person with a much lower drive than i have. i see no reason that it cant happen with either gender


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## arkguy (Apr 27, 2011)

I think it is very important for both mates sex needs to be about the same, whether that is daily, 2x week or once a month. If one is wanting it a lot more than the other, neither is going to be real happy, one feels empty and the other feels pushed.

I do feel sex is important for connection, when me and the wife go more than a few days without, I don't feel good about our relationship. You work, take care of things around the house, etc and all of lifes other things, I think 30 min to 1 hour of sex is very important or everything else starts feeling like druggery.

If you have only been married 2 years and feel this way, if things doesn't change, you will feel worse in 10 or 20 years. I think this is something you really need to figure out now. Kind of hard to understand why a male, under 30 doesnt want sex more than that, most do.

Some people says if one mate wants it more, you should compromise somewhere in the middle. You can do that, seems "nice or fair", but the one wanting more still feels shorted.


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## marriedlucy (May 1, 2011)

MarriedWoman, it seems we are the opposite.

My husband complains he doesn't get enough. I know I'm not a frigid but I'm starting to think very low of myself on this subject.

I wish I had more passion but it's hard for me to get in the "mode". Once we start it's wonderful.

We've been married 8 years. We have a 6 year old and a 2 year old and his 17 year old lives with us too.

I work full time and go to school part time. He does not have a lot of work at the time but helps me with the house and kids. He is self-employed.

I find him hot and sexy, but we lack romance. His argument is that he is not romantic because he gets hot and then it ends up in nothing because I'm always too tired. Not true.

I like to be courted and I like to play a little before getting to it.

He watches port on a daily basis to satisfy himself because he says I don't satisfy him enough.

Don't know how to deal with it. Nothing is never enough. I could probably force myself to do it every day, but he would have something to say.

I need help asap if I want to save this marriage. Also he has a long face everyday, he looks depressed and I feel it's all my fault. I'm a successful professional, all "A" student, have an average body (little chunky now, but he says he finds me sexy), and a proud mom. But I can't handle my sex life and it's driving me crazy.

We never go out only the two of us. Always with the kids around. We don't have many help around so it's hard to leave them with someone. I don't even know if he wants to do something like that since I don't feel we enjoy the same things. I'm a happy go lucky and adapt to anything. Am I getting bitter and frustrated with him?

I'm starting to think I'm not happy with him, but he is a great person and a great dad. Why is he trying to make me feel that it's entirely my fault and can't see the things that make me feel hot and sexy?

don't even know where to start.


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## marriedlucy (May 1, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i think you are in the same boat with me and others in here, cept im a man. nothing ive tried has had any positive affect on increasing frequency with my wife. i have accepted her as a person with a much lower drive than i have. i see no reason that it cant happen with either gender


That's what he tells me, but how can I feel good with a comment like that? and the way he treats me, like I disgust him or something. Our weekends are hell, can't wait to start the week and sink my head into work and school so I don't have to deal with it... I feel horrible...


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## confusedandneedadvice (Apr 29, 2011)

I do feel that we need sex in the marriage. As a matter of a fact I have been keeping track of when me and my husband do have sex. In April it was only 4 times 

I am a very sexual person. I would love to have sex with him 3-4 times a week or even more. When we were younger it was at any time and any place. Now I can only get him in the evenings. 

I get my feelings hurt when I give him hints all day with dirty text and photos and when he gets home goes and hangs out with friends or all of a sudden he is just to tired. I have tried to talk with him this past month and he won't open to me. 

Like the other night I asked what is 1 thing he likes about me. You know what he couldn't even answer me. Now that was a low blow directly to my heart. I love him and strongly attracted to him but I don't think he feels the same way. 

I am at the point do I go look elsewhere for the attention that I am wanting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Confused... As someone who's cheated on a spouse for similar reasons, I'll say don't do it. Either work on fixing your marriage, or leave it if change isn't possible.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

marriedwoman said:


> I guess it comes down to this for me: When we make love, it makes me feel connected to him, happy, sexy, desired, and wanted by him. Without it, I feel a very deep disconnect from him, as well as I feel very unwanted.
> 
> Is it normal to feel like this?
> I'd like sex about 2 times a week, but he's happy with the 2x month that we're having now.
> ...


I'm a married woman with a higher libido than my husband and sympathize with how you're feeling. I am at the point of questioning whether I want to be in this marriage, sex being a big factor in this. We speak openly about how we're both feeling and love each other to pieces. It's all very confusing but important to face.

I offer him sexual acts and like talking about things we could do to each other, even if perhaps we're both too tired to actually make it happen. It's all part of the flirting/tease to me but it's really hard to get him to open up this way in return. When we do have sex it's hot even if I'm not totally satisfied. I don't know what the answer is but I'm glad you posted. Hang in there.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I think sex is very important in any adult relationship. It does bring people closer together and makes them feel secure in the relationship.


My H and I have had sex only twice this year, and we are already 5 months in!!!!

My H has lost his drive over the last few years. I am 10 years younger then he is and i think i may be in my "prime" years (i will be 33 in 2 months). 

My H and I have had this talk many times in the past and i have completely given up. Nothing changes. we still only have sex only every other month. At the 2 week mark i am getting ready to rip someones head off. 

The last time i tired to initiate, it started a huge fight and haven't done it since that was a year ago. 

Things will more then likely never change. You either have to (one) deal with it or (two) move on. I am considering the moving on.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

confusedandneedadvice said:


> I do feel that we need sex in the marriage. As a matter of a fact I have been keeping track of when me and my husband do have sex. In April it was only 4 times
> 
> I am a very sexual person. I would love to have sex with him 3-4 times a week or even more. When we were younger it was at any time and any place. Now I can only get him in the evenings.
> 
> ...


Cheating is never the answer. It may seem like a good idea now, but in the end it will just make you feel like ****. It is so not worth it.


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## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

marriedwoman said:


> I guess it comes down to this for me: When we make love, it makes me feel connected to him, happy, sexy, desired, and wanted by him. Without it, I feel a very deep disconnect from him, as well as I feel very unwanted.
> 
> Is it normal to feel like this?
> I'd like sex about 2 times a week, but he's happy with the 2x month that we're having now.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

You will probably not like this answer, but I decided to do an experiment after last Xmas when I reached my wit's end. In my case I too was unsatisfied with my sex life. It was a piece of my life and happiness that I seemed unable to neither influence or change. Without some change I knew that other successful parts of my life would quickly unravel. So after watching so dumb show on TV that was pushing a new way to deal with problems, I did the unthinkable and committed myself to trying it out. Not just trying for a day or week, but say for half a year. I am now four months in and in a totally different stage of my life. Mind you not one I would ever have guessed or planned but one that positions me to further internal growth. 

The strategy I followed was "to do the opposite". In my case I needed for the sake of internal biological balance a certain amount of sex in my life. How did I come to such a conclusion? Much like others... Without it I was cranky, edgy with others, unhappy, devalued in my mind, and outside of what is the "norm".

The turning point for me was laying in bed way as far on the edge as possible without falling off and feeling totally dejected and not sure what to do. I wanted to just make everything go away but knew that it would continue to face me like it had been for years now. So I took mental inventory of my life. I started with the positives. A great set if children who received and returned love to me on a daily basis. A great job with stability and flexibility to spend time with my family. A good health report with lots of interest in various indoors and outdoors activites. Then I listed what I thought were gaps in my life. A partner in life who would come to me when I am down. A friend in life who would joke and laugh with me without being serious or judgmental. An explored who would seek out new places to eat in or movies to go see together. And a lover who would let down her guard and embrace me unconditionally. 

So ther in bed I had come up with this list. Then a very strange conversation took place in my subconscious. I reaffrirmed that the place where I was taking the biggest beating was this holy grail of chasing a sex quota from my wife. I wondered just how much grief and spare time to enrich the other already successful things in my life could be traded off if I were to simply forgo any need and interest in getting sex. Quickly I realized that I would have less arguments, less tense exchanges, less loss time dwelling on why. Instead I would have more time to devote to further strengthening my bond with our children, more time to explore other interests in books, travel and recreation. And positive selfreflection where I am focussing on how well good pieces in my life are continuing to gel. 

After four months, I find myself not any better sex satisfied, but I am a thousand-fold happier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

father-of-3 said:


> You will probably not like this answer, but I decided to do an experiment after last Xmas when I reached my wit's end. In my case I too was unsatisfied with my sex life. It was a piece of my life and happiness that I seemed unable to neither influence or change. Without some change I knew that other successful parts of my life would quickly unravel. So after watching so dumb show on TV that was pushing a new way to deal with problems, I did the unthinkable and committed myself to trying it out. Not just trying for a day or week, but say for half a year. I am now four months in and in a totally different stage of my life. Mind you not one I would ever have guessed or planned but one that positions me to further internal growth.
> 
> The strategy I followed was "to do the opposite". In my case I needed for the sake of internal biological balance a certain amount of sex in my life. How did I come to such a conclusion? Much like others... Without it I was cranky, edgy with others, unhappy, devalued in my mind, and outside of what is the "norm".
> 
> ...


marriedwoman - your feelings mirror mine exactly. I feel all those things exactly when we're sexually intimate. I've seen a lot of others post similar things and thing that while of course not all people feel the same that yes - THIS IS NORMAL! I too wonder if I'm a freak sometimes or if I'm being unreasonable or selfish. It's satisfying to know there are other 'normal' people out there like me! 

Now I have to hijack the thread a little. Father-of-3, I've felt like doing what you've done for a long time. chasing sex from my wife is a constant burden on me. I feel like I can't get away from it no matter how hard I want to though. I say I'm going to stop chasing and just have the attitude of 'not needing it' or being indifferent to getting it or not but after a few days it's like I just break down.

How do you deal with wanting sex but not pursuing it? One of the key issues I have is when I start doing that I can't help but feeling resentful and a little angry. I'm usually touchy-feely with my wife so when I'm just not rubbing her legs while we're watching TV or tickling her back when we lay in bed she knows something is off. 

I would love to get to where you are but I have a really high sex drive and can't just shut it off. I feel like so much would be better off if I could but I can't.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

mike1 and father-of-3: I am conflicted with this too. I try to step back mentally and come from a place of gratitude for who he is and what we have (it's what has kept me in this relationship for so long) but I can't help but feel a slight lack of connection because we're out of sync. Sex isn't just about getting off - to me it's about being completely open, letting any guards down, it's connecting in a way that is so extremely intimate and revitalizing.


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## marriedwoman (Apr 30, 2011)

ladyybyrd-I have run into that situation many times, when I try to initiate it, and my husband just gets super angry. He's usually pretty mean too...I just stopped making so many advances on him (at the beginning of our relationship, I was coming on to him at least once a day... and most days I'd try a second time).... now though, I'll just sort of take care of myself (sad, but oh well) most of the time, because I just can't be turned down anymore, and it's like I don't want him to get mad at me. =/ I feel your pain. 

Mike1 and Fater-of-3: I wish I could turn off my sex drive too... well, actually I sort of did. I mean, I have had a huge decrease in my sex drive from what it was 2 years ago. Before, I was ready to go every single day. Now I'm down to wanting about 2x week. (to me, that's a pretty big decrease). So I'd say it's a little more manageable. BUT!!! as I pushed myself away from my husband sexually (to avoid the fighting and frustration), I also pushed myself away from him emotionally as well. I;ll admit that I definitely did some flirty (and honestly, nothing else but talking with and maybe joking around with a friend of a friend once or twice), but my heart did wander for a while. I give you lots of credit father-of-3 for being able to ONLY push away sexually and no other way. For me, well, I just feel all those deep emoitions with sex, so I guess for me it's all intertwined, and I can't have just one or the other. Sort of stinks. 
I know I would never cheat on my husband... I would leave before I got to that point. I've thought about leaving... but I really do love my husband so much and we are fine during the day otherwise (laughing and smiling)... But a little part of me may always wonder if there is something just a little better (a man just like him, but plus the sex) out there....I hope not =(


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

> I'd like sex about 2 times a week, but he's happy with the 2x month that we're having now. He says I need counseling because I'm too emotional over this, and that I shouldn't need sex to feel these things.


I think that wanting sex twice a week is absolutely normal. You are not the one with the issue here. But somehow in many relationships when one partner has got a low sex drive, he often ends up making the other one "guilty" for wanting "normality" and makes him/her feel as if she/he is the one with the problem. 

This is purely a defense mechanism to avoid affronting an uncomfortable issue.


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## carolinachick (May 15, 2011)

I can sympathize with you...I am in a sexless marriage, but my husband and I love each other very much. My husband has health issues that are minor and do not prevent him from having sex. This has been an ongoing conflict in our marriage now for more than 4 years. There is always an argument about it and everything else in our lives is wonderful. From the outside, we are picture perfect. On top of that, we both want kids...hmm wonder how that can happen if he won't give it up?? I feel inadequate and unwanted.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

marriedwoman,

I have to ask you a question. Do you receive any emotional support from your husband in regards to your sexual needs not being met? 

I often find that I desire sex more often than my wife. However, we are at ease with that issue. We are open to talking about each others needs and it is clear that we are just stressed right now. 

I get my "stress out" by being intimate with my wife. She totally needs to have stress relieved in order to be ready to be intimate. We may not have sex then, but we talk about an action plan for when things may work out better. 

She is able to feel free from sexual pressure and I have hope for tomorrow. That hope and knowing that we will try again really makes waiting bearable. Is any of that possible with your husband and you?


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