# Not working picking up the pieces.



## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

*Picking up the pieces.*

The short of it… we've been married 23 years but living together for 25. We sort of grew apart somewhere along the way. A bunch of things that were disruptive to the family happened in relatively short space of time. Then instead of us pulling together to be strong to get through stuff, he found a younger woman and left me. We have two daughters and a son, in high school and college. We've been apart over a year now, working through divorce details and trying to split the life we've spent together for over half our lives. I'm floundering trying to see what's going to come of me after the divorce is done and kids all out of the house off to college. It's all happening at once. I have plenty of things that I'm busy with to keep my mind occupied from social groups and organizations but that's just busy-work to keep my mind off the bad stuff. I worked for myself but my productivity has been ZERO for a few years now, both because of illness and during this emotional time. I vacillate between being happy the mental turmoil will soon be over, and being scared to death at being alone. 

I just can't imagine starting all over again, but I don't want to grow old alone either. I truly thought we were together until death. How naive of me. And to be replaced with a MUCH younger woman when I lost my vitality should make me angry, but I'm beyond anger now. Just dumbfounded that it all turned on me this way. I just wonder how did I so misjudge the man I was married to all these years. How can I ever trust my judgement with going forward? I used to have lots of self-confidence. Now I'm questioning everything I thought I knew. I needed my husband to support me and get me through the anxiety around the illness. Yet during that time, my husband whom I loved and trusted decided to step out and build a different life. I can't quite come to grips with that. It's like trading cars. I had too much mileage and frame was rusting through. 

I just feel numb, and now I'm close to having to figure out the rest of my life by myself. It's daunting. I've been asked out a few times through my outside activities, but I can't even stomach the idea of going through the trials and tribulations of dating. 

How long does this empty, hollow feeling last? I'm glad my kids will all be off to college and are looking forward to it, but secretly, I'm dreading this house becoming very empty soon. My youngest two go off this fall. 4 more months and I'll go from bustling household with lots of teenagers coming and going, to deathly quiet, party of one.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. Please keep this in mind...it is NOT your fault your husband became a selfish cheating ass. That is ALL on him. For him to abandon you in a time of need like that speaks volumes about the kind of person must really be. So much for the "in sickness" part of your vows. What was your marriage like prior to this?

I know you are afraid, but being on your own can be amazing. Dont look at it as "being alone", you mentally screw yourself that way...think of it as being independent. Dont date for a while, you for sure do not sound ready. Since your kids will be moving on soon, have you given thought to moving, maybe downsizing? It may help you with a fresh start if you get out of the marital home and find something that is all yours. Now is the time to get back to doing things you always loved before and maybe let go of... or to start in on something new you always wanted to try. Think about what YOU want, how you like your home to be, the things that make you happy. Rearrange furniture and cabinets...paint walls...get a new bed ensemble, new curtains...stock the fridge with your favorite foods....it seriously is the little things that bring us the most happiness. 

Again, remember, its not your fault your husband chose to cheat.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You aren't alone. You have your family and your friends.

A husband can be replaced, your family is forever.

Take stock of what you have, not what you lost. You lost a dream. Dreams are the fabric of hope. You will be fine. Every tomorrow is chock full of hope.

Soon you will have grandchildren. They are precious.

Don't rule out a new man. Take your good old time in choosing one.

Take good care of your health.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You are not alone. To begin: Your husband has made a foolish decision that is reflection of his worth as a person, not you. A common mantra on this forum is issues are never a reason or justification for adultery. Adultery leaves the BS (betrayed spouse http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html) feeling demeaned and lacking in worth as a person and a spouse. You are not. 
You may find this link of some use to start. Some are written by men and reflect a male point of view. But you will find how much both genders share and how easy it is to re-write from a female point of view. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/44246-should-you-nice.html. 

How is your divorce going? I hope it is not like some here, for example @VeryHurt. Do not let your husband grind you down. You will often feel overwhelened but remember right now it is two against one. While he is a father to your children, they should not accept and approve of his actions and should tell him so. How old are your daughters? Although your children are older they are still deeply effected by your husbands actions and the divorce. 

Feeling overwhelm is always the status quo for a betrayed spouse. I urge you to focus on doing what can be done to day, do. What cannot be done today, make a plan for. You need to breakdown the issues you and your children will face going forward, establish a goal for the outcome and then develop a plan to achieve them. Common issues are: 

Your financial needs.

Your children's immediate financial needs. 

Asset divisions,

Benefits division such as pensions


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry, submitted first post before finishing. To continue 

Establishing what are health habits and practicing them. 

Establishing the beginnings of a healthy social life and doing them.

Advise is only as good as the information provided. Could you provide more details as to the issues in the marriage, background information for yourself, your WS, the OW, your children's reaction and the changes that have occurred? 

Finally I often paste a woman's response to what her husband's response was to his first wife's adultery. Whether you remarry or not you need to strive to be like him. It illustrates perfectly that his actions do not define you, it is your actions in response you need to judge yourself by. 

Why improve yourself *by Pixe

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

He owned his behavior.*

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *


Be well. 

ps: using the @ symbol before a user name sends them an aiert they have been mentioned or quoted. So for exmple is I wanted you to see a thread or wanted your opinion I would write @FoxinSocks.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I totally understand....I met my first husband at age 15 and married at 19. We divorced after 25 years due to him not being "in love" with me. I found out, later, he was in an affair. He apologized a few years, after the divorce, and stated how much he regretted his decision. 

During the separation/divorce, I was blown away. Attempting to fix, beg, and push into marriage counseling. The MC didn't work well as it turned into divorce counseling. After 15 months of "trying" we divorced. I was free and secretly wanted my old husband back but needed to move on.

Some things that helped me during the divorce process and soon after. 

1. Take care of yourself. That means emotionally and physically. Get yourself a counselor; invite a friend or acquaintance for lunch; develop more social support system; get a massage etc. 

2. Get your resume going; get a new job if needed or get a plan going to revive your current one

3. Figure out where YOU want to live. I didn't want the family home or any of its furnishing. It was to big; to costly; and reminded me to much of what I was missing. I told my husband to keep and sell it but I wanted 1/2 the appraisal value and the value of the furnishings. He agreed as he was guilt ridden. I began looking for my own place that was doable with my income/assets. 

4. Don't judge your emotional state. Its ok to be upset and angry. Just don't stay there to long and quit walking. You have to walk through this and allow yourself to feel the pain...to move it forward. It takes time and there is no replacement.

5. Alone. It's an adjustment but there are perks. Look for them. For me, it's great to not pick up after others. 

6. I began dating after my divorce. I felt ready. Some have time tables on how long to wait. I felt healthy. I dated a man for 3 years and married him. He was an addict in recovery and relapsed x 2. We are now divorced after 3 years of marriage. I was heartbroken and hopeful. My faith has sustained me and grown during both divorces. 

7. His behaviors are no indicators on who you are as a person. Trust yourself again. But also look at yourself and find out what you can change in you. Everyone has qualities that they can change for the better.


Sorry for your pain. We are with you at TAM. You are not alone.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

Wow, I'm almost overwhelmed and in tears reading responses. I think I go numb and don't know what to think. They when I try to look forward, it just gets all muddied. @JohnA thanks for the tips. For more about us, we had reached a state in our marriage I will call complacent. No fighting, not even openly disagreeable. But we weren't wildly passionate anymore either, and if anything our relationship had become rather lackluster. With teen teenagers in the house and their busy schedules, and husband's travel for work, there just wasn't a lot of time for just us. We didn't do trips anymore, partly because he traveled, partly because our tastes were diverging. We didn't really do much with just us, even though we both would say time to time that we needed to. Then I got cancer. I was a wreck emotionally, worried about getting my kids independent and my maybe not being there for them. I also relied 100% on my husband, when I was normally very independent and took care of everything at home… even outdoor and fix it stuff. We have/had a small farm where I raised some livestock for a little supplemental income, but I didn't work outside of the house. I homeschooled one of our kids until we could find a more appropriate school setting. So my life revolved around my house and my kids, for better or worse. In hindsight, I wish I had had more outside work. I also write, but have been largely out of it since getting cancer (which was completely gone shortly after treatment and has been for 3 years now). 

I feel like we really worked well together as a team, and did a good job raising our kids. But I feel like it all fell apart when I got sick. It was like mid-life hitting us in the face all of a sudden, and instead of pulling together and being thankful for the bullet dodged, he ran the other way, and found someone else to turn to for a partner. I feel like he no longer saw the strong and confident woman I once was, and he was facing his own aging and mortality. I really think it was/is a midlife crisis on his part. Sometimes I even felt like he was hoping I'd just die and then he wouldn't have to man up and deal with dumping me. I don't believe that's really true, but those thoughts creep in. He told me he was leaving me for another after he knew I was ok. That's when I found out that while caring for me and taking care of household matters, he found someone else to take care of him. And someone who is 10 years younger. (Why did it have to be someone so much younger? That just added insult to injury… I aged another 10 years just finding out that tidbit.)

Our kids are ages 18 to 21. The girls are both still reeling from his decision. I have told them both that it is absolutely ok to express their anger with him, but I also have told them they should do their best to heal and maintain a relationship with him. My son just doesn't want to think about it. He only promised me that he would NEVER do that to his wife when he gets married. I said I hope he doesn't, because I hope I raised him to respect others and own up to his mistakes. It's very hard. Both my daughters said they may never get married, and the oldest says she doesn't think she'll have kids. She doesn't want to have kids and end up like this. She's very hurt. I can't stand it when she says things like, "he's just not the man I thought he was", and "if I Dad could do that to me after he promised you guys would never get divorced, how can I ever trust what any guy says?". 

For my own future, I start to think and make plans, then I get sort of paralyzed and just can't think. I look at houses and I've really started cleaning out this one, but I just get so tired at the thought of having to move. There are days I just wish I had another empty house and could pack up my things I want to keep and walk away from this place. My oldest brought up a good point saying that if we looked for a house and could move at the beginning of the summer next year when they all come home from college, it would still be a house for all of us, not just my house. That was very sweet of her. I don't want to burden her, but she knows I'm hurting. She felt bad enough going off to college when she left, after having been worried about my health. Now she worries about me being alone too. I like being on my own, but I liked being a married independent woman with a good relationship. I miss having someone to share with, and someone to help when I needed it. 

The only good news through all this is that at least my SBTX is being very fair and wants to make sure I'm ok financially. He does still care, and we both still admit there is love there, just not the romantic love anymore, if that makes sense. I thought we could get all that back and was happy to be ok and alive. I had a new take and fresh perspective. I think that's also why I'm not so angry etc. I know I have a second chance at life, and I know rationally I have a lot I can still do, but it's just finding where to start, and I worry about what the best choice is… where to live.. how to find a place… buy or rent… all these things. Even down to what do I do for insurance? How do I manage finances and savings for the future now? I haven't even done the tax return for 25 years. That's always been his thing. He managed the money and bills, I took care of the kids and the household and grounds. 

I'm just so tired. I think and think and think until I can't anymore. Then cry some. Then I sleep. But I always feel like I need more sleep, no matter how short or long I sleep. And I walk. When I get panicked, then I have to walk. I think I'd run like Forrest Gump if I could.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

FoxinSocks said:


> Wow, I'm almost overwhelmed and in tears reading responses. I think I go numb and don't know what to think. They when I try to look forward, it just gets all muddied. @JohnA thanks for the tips. For more about us, we had reached a state in our marriage I will call complacent. No fighting, not even openly disagreeable. But we weren't wildly passionate anymore either, and if anything our relationship had become rather lackluster. With teen teenagers in the house and their busy schedules, and husband's travel for work, there just wasn't a lot of time for just us. We didn't do trips anymore, partly because he traveled, partly because our tastes were diverging. We didn't really do much with just us, even though we both would say time to time that we needed to. Then I got cancer. I was a wreck emotionally, worried about getting my kids independent and my maybe not being there for them. I also relied 100% on my husband, when I was normally very independent and took care of everything at home… even outdoor and fix it stuff. We have/had a small farm where I raised some livestock for a little supplemental income, but I didn't work outside of the house. I homeschooled one of our kids until we could find a more appropriate school setting. So my life revolved around my house and my kids, for better or worse. In hindsight, I wish I had had more outside work. I also write, but have been largely out of it since getting cancer (which was completely gone shortly after treatment and has been for 3 years now).
> 
> I feel like we really worked well together as a team, and did a good job raising our kids. But I feel like it all fell apart when I got sick. It was like mid-life hitting us in the face all of a sudden, and instead of pulling together and being thankful for the bullet dodged, he ran the other way, and found someone else to turn to for a partner. I feel like he no longer saw the strong and confident woman I once was, and he was facing his own aging and mortality. I really think it was/is a midlife crisis on his part. Sometimes I even felt like he was hoping I'd just die and then he wouldn't have to man up and deal with dumping me. I don't believe that's really true, but those thoughts creep in. He told me he was leaving me for another after he knew I was ok. That's when I found out that while caring for me and taking care of household matters, he found someone else to take care of him. And someone who is 10 years younger. (Why did it have to be someone so much younger? That just added insult to injury… I aged another 10 years just finding out that tidbit.)
> 
> ...


Ugh, you make me feel so sad for my wife, I'm not a cheater either. :frown2:

I hope you find peace and happiness. :smile2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@FoxinSocks quote:

Our kids are ages 18 to 21. The girls are both still reeling from his decision. I have told them both that it is absolutely ok to express their anger with him, but I also have told them they should do their best to heal and maintain a relationship with him. My son just doesn't want to think about it. He only promised me that he would NEVER do that to his wife when he gets married. I said I hope he doesn't, because I hope I raised him to respect others and own up to his mistakes. It's very hard. Both my daughters said they may never get married, and the oldest says she doesn't think she'll have kids. She doesn't want to have kids and end up like this. She's very hurt. I can't stand it when she says things like, "he's just not the man I thought he was", and "if I Dad could do that to me after he promised you guys would never get divorced, how can I ever trust what any guy says?". 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is the part that hurts the most. WH knifes the sick wife and also the healthy children.

My standard statement: "Divorce, do not Cheat" does not apply here. The WH already did the deed and then asked for a divorce. If he had kept his cheating affair a secret prior-to asking for a divorce it would have lessened the hurt but not the crime. 

What a douche-bag!


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> @FoxinSocks quote:
> 
> What a douche-bag!


Indeed.

It really is that 4 lives have been ripped apart, not just mine. I think that's why I'm so tired too. I'm trying to pick up the pieces for everybody! I want them to be off into the world and be able to good, solid relationships. None of them even date. Just at the age when all those teenage things should be happening and exciting, they all seem to keep that at bay. My college girl has had a couple maybe's and gone out a couple times, but not a one of them have had a true boyfriend/girlfriend. I suppose that's better than running wild and getting into risky behavior because their parents messed them up so much, but I still worry about that too! 

And how do they manage to figure out their future

My word, I can't even keep on a simple topic to be able to ask questions. 

I wish there was a divorce Fairy who would come in and direct it all, tell me what to do when, taking me by the hand and getting me through the process without my getting screwed. And indeed… as someone quoted, it's two against one. He has someone to bounce ideas off and to lean on. I don't, other than a couple of my own family members, but they don't live close.

Douche-bag. Makes me smile.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you considered taking antidepressants for a short while? I took them after my mom died suddenly and I just couldn't get over it, for 3 or 4 months. It really helped me just get out of my funk.

As for what to do, this is a good time to just do some really good soul searching. You're now free to do anything your heart desires - join the Peace Corps, move to Paris, become a painter, whatever! Now you can pick something that's really important to YOU, not just what would fit in a marriage.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Well, I must say, I felt I was the thread poster. Fox in socks, you are going to be okay. I know that overwhelming scared feeling. I know that lonely feeling. I know that being rejected and replaced by a younger version feeling. It sucks. I am in the process of divorcing a completely selfish idiot who has been in a midlife crisis for nearly a decade. 

He could not cope with any stress in life. Emotionally immature. Decided to run away than to deal with the real world. It was easier for them to run away. I have married for 33 years, I,am 61 years old and my son is 30. 

I was a mess for the longest time. It is hard to get over this trauma but you will. I had to get on antidepressants and Xanax and go weekly therapy sessions to deal with the anxiety, scared feelings and low self esteem.

Please continue to post on TAM, take care of yourself. Try to sleep and eat. It is going to be a long hard journey but I know you will be fine.
Be patient. I am so sorry you are in pain.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

It truly is one step at a time. Do what you can today, make a plan for what you can't today so you can do it tomorrow.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

Thanks to you all. I start to cry again every time I read some replies. It really is heartening to hear it from those who have been-there, done-that. I tell myself all these things, but that's never the same as hearing it's really true. BTW… I'm already on antidepressants and have had access to xanax or ativan for years. I have had chronic panic disorder since I was in my 20's and have learned to cope with that very well, and rarely had to use those benzo's… until cancer hit. Then I needed them all the time just to function. I had gotten past that and was on the mend, feeling truly blessed that I was one of the lucky ones. I was so happy to be alive and looking forward to the rest of my life, with the kids almost grown and going off to college… so many things were looking up. Then the bomb dropped. I knew something was up when STBX asked if I could go to my followup appointment on my own. He'd been by my side every step of the way. Ok. Then a couple days later I asked if everything was ok. He turned around and said, no, it's not. I'm leaving. He told me he met another. It had been only 3 up to 6 months they'd known each other. He basically met her on training course trip while I was recuperating from my final surgery. He had no idea at that point whether I had metastatic cancer and would be needing radiation/chemo. I haven't yet processed all the timeline of all those things, and I still get days and dates confused. Part of me wants to know, and the other part of me wants to forget it all. But he basically said he still loved me and always would, but he felt he met his true-love, soulmate.

I still say he was forced into looking mortality in the face, and she was there at the right time, offering him a more youthful, exciting life again. So rather than own up to his vows, he chose what was feeling good and easy for him. I can't comes to grips with that. I don't think I ever will, nor will my kids. So aside from having to process that whole cancer-sucks new way of life (first 3 months, and then every 6 months screening for who knows how long?), working through the PTS responses from every single doctor's visit, phone calls on scheduling and waiting for results… I also have to help my kids, help my elderly parents, downsize the house, cut expenses, and not constantly say NO to my kids when they need something, because I no longer have the resources that were available to us as a family. I can honestly say, if I didn't have any kids and felt this hopeless, I would seriously consider just ending it all. But I would never, ever do that to my kids. … of course, if I didn't feel so responsible for my kids, I probably wouldn't feel as panicky either. I can get away with very little if I have to. But I want them to get a good start on their independence and be able to complete their studies without having to worry about all this. So I suck up what I can. 

I am just venting now. But it feels good. I also feels good to say I really, really HATE this POSOW. I don't say it out loud anywhere near my kids. I don't want them to feel like they have to choose sides and show solidarity for mom any more than they already do. I want them to continue to have their father in their lives (and they have to because he's their sole financial support). But at the same time, I would love it if they would see this woman and call her every name in the book she deserves. I don't understand how any woman can get involved with a man 10 years older with a wife with cancer and three teenage kids. What ails a person in the head to be able to tell herself that's ok? And now I understand she also would like to start a family too! She has no children. I hope she has kids with three arms and no brain, and then he dumps her for his next mistress he will eventually have. I now have come to realize my STBX is a serial cheater. I have since had people tell me things that I wish I didn't know. Why do people think it's ok NOW to tell me stuff, but hid things from me when I was married? 

All this bubbles around and around and around. I have some good days where I feel very good because I've actually gotten stuff done. Most days I don't though…


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe this would be a good time to focus on your health. As in, start walking or jogging or cycling or karate, or whatever. Get that under your belt, focus on it, become as healthy as you possibly can with your pain disorder (my DD25 has fibromyalgia, so I get it). Because once you are at your physical peak, you can accomplish anything.

I know I give up my exercise type plans a lot because of husband/kid, so if I was alone, I would like to focus on 'me' through getting really healthy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

FoxinSocks, 

It's really important that you learn to divert the resentful energy for your ex and this OW and channel it into something positive for just you and/or your children. The reason I say this is two - fold:

1. It keeps you from wasting YOUR very PRECIOUS, limited time and energy on unworthy people. 

2. It helps you detach. 

I do feel for you. I felt abandoned in many ways when I really needed my first husband. Especially when I tried my best to support him in times of need. I felt like a single person all through that marriage. 

You need to grieve and mourn, but be careful about anger and vengeful thoughts. Anger is still feelings you invest in your ex. True indifference costs you nothing and leaves more for you and your kids. You're so lucky to have their support.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

Satya said:


> FoxinSocks,
> 
> It's really important that you learn to divert the resentful energy for your ex and this OW and channel it into something positive for just you and/or your children. The reason I say this is two - fold:
> 
> ...


I really don't spend a lot of time on the resentful. Just once in a while it comes out. I think it would be a LOT worse if my kids were faced with dealing with the OW all the time. They don't live too close, and only one of the kids has even met her, so that's a small saving grace. 

I do like to get out and walk and used to do yoga as well. I should look to see what's offered for classes right now. That would be good. I also need to get back to writing too. It's been far too long.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You should also look for divorce support groups. For some odd reason WS rarely do. You will find support there, 

How are the terms of settlement looking.?


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

I live in the sticks and there is very little for support groups. I checked. Even counseling is sketchy. It seems to be all offered through the mental health office and they treat everything, but mostly drug and alcohol addiction. Weird. 

The settlement is actually going ok…. so far. My lawyer is known for being a kick-ass guy who gets great settlements. So far, STBX is agreeing to most things as well. We are also in agreement now over the house and land. I can't see staying here alone, and he doesn't want it either, so we will sell. I don't know yet where I'll go, but I don't need much. I'm looking, but as with everything else… I spend one good proactive day, but it's so hard to know what's right. I actually wish I could live in an apartment for a while, and might. Someplace where I don't have to worry about maintenance. It's hard to feel like i'm going so far backwards, but I really don't have a choice. My lawyer thinks I could get the money to keep the house, but I'm 51, and at some point, I don't want to do all the upkeep on my own. That's always been one of my irritations… I do the bulk of the yard work and always have. I love my house, but it's too big for one person. If kids are still coming home in the summer, then it's hardly big enough, but I reckon another 4 years, and it's just me. 

I'm a little worried about how it's going to pan out with the kids though. There will be no "child support" for them. So I am adding a lot into my worksheet for expenses on kids. That's going to be very hard. They are all college bound, and their father has agreed to support them in college, but I worry about the incidentals they need. I keep telling all of them to SAVE all the money they make this summer, because that may be all they have for spending money next year away at school. I'm afraid I won't have any to give, and their father lives away, so it's not like they can hit him up once in a while too. 

That brings up another point I worry about… what about holidays and school vacations? Their parents will live 3 states apart, so how do they figure out where to go and when? Jeez… I hadn't even really thought about that. hmmmmm Only one of them is fairly close to home so she actually can come home once in awhile on a weekend, but she rarely has time to. I can go up too. But the other two will be more than just a day-trip away. That's going to be tough.

I wonder if STBX will wake up one day and realize just what he's thrown away. He ran to another woman, and that show of lack of strength and character makes me rethink and realize a lot of things. I've been the glue that has held the family together into a unit. He's leaving that unit. He's walking away from not only me, but more. He has an unrealistic idea that his kids will travel to see him, and he'll stop by where they are at, but none of them want to visit him as long as SHE is there. I keep telling them to try to keep the lines open, because he is still their father, regardless of what has happened. It kills me to see them bitter. I wish my son would open up more too. He has said largely nothing, and I see him bristle when the girls start talking about it. I worry about him the most, since he says very little. I think he's afraid of adding insult to injury, so I do tell him it's ok to talk to his dad and go do stuff with him. It's important. I think he wants to both punch and hug his father. Does that make sense?


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

I really have to start power walking again. Yup… Forrest Gump style!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Did your lawyer tell you there would be no child support for your kids headed to college? Because he should be paying it as long as they are full time students, to my knowledge. Make sure you are getting the correct info on this. 

I would suggest you not push your kids to have a relationship with their dad and the OW if they dont want to. They are entitled to their anger and whatever else they may be feeling about things, and will need to deal in their own way. If they choose to shut him out, then so be it, he certainly has it coming. Luckily for you, this part really isnt your problem. I dont blame the kids for their resentment, its well earned.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Did your lawyer tell you there would be no child support for your kids headed to college? Because he should be paying it as long as they are full time students, to my knowledge. Make sure you are getting the correct info on this.


Maybe child support isn't the right term. He is and will be responsible for their education and he won't fight that (repeatedly reassured them of that), but I won't get money for child support, as in… to buy them clothes of food, etc., as I understand it. He will take care of college bills, and he has *said* he would also make sure they also have an allowance for things, but I do also notice he's now harping on them (and me) about cutting spending. So his other life is kicking in, so I HOPE he settlement demands he continue to pay x-amount to us which includes for them to live on too. I'm still fuzzy on that. However, I can add in expenses that are just part of our standard of living. It's ultimately the final court decision that will say how much I get, and none of that will be designated child support paid to me directly. That's what I was told. I won't get "child support". But my monthly award I'll be asking for will include the money I usually spend on my kids. That will just be included in spousal support. He makes a good salary, and being divorced does enhance financial aid, so ultimately, he's paying less on college costs that we would as a married couple. My lawyer said it really sucks, but legally he has no obligation to pay for their college education either. Maybe that's a state by state thing? I also know that one of my oldest DD's roommates at college has just that problem. Her father is not paying anything for her college, and her mother has nothing really to pay, so she's having to live very frugally, looking for the cheapest apartments versus campus housing, working jobs while in school, etc.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

So my son says today, "Dad's girlfriend has to be a real loser." I actually laughed out loud at that. I stifled it and then ask why he would say that. Boy did he unleash. Everything from she's a gold-digger, to she ruined his life. Holy-moly. It was good to talk, but I also had no answers because I have to say, I feel the same way. But he felt better after he vented. I suggested that he really needs to talk to his father about some of this too, because ultimately, it lies squarely on him. Yes, the OW is complicit going after a married man, but he should have honored is vows and to his family. I also told my son, all he can do is learn from this, and be a better person himself, when he is faced with decisions. I surely don't know what else to say.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

From a man's perspective... I bet your H checked out long ago and was just waiting for the kids to graduate before moving on. Sucks he did it the way he did. 

Was your marriage in the can for the last decade? I'm interested in knowing. My plan was to wait out until the kids got older to leave my wife. That was her plan too, she told me multiple times and I just kept trying to keep our little family together and project we had a happy marriage to the rest of the world. We were just roommates, no sex for last 5 years. Horrible roommates, since we hated each other. I realized life is too short and my kids will be OK if we are both involved in their lives and left 4 months ago.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

That's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Our marriage was nearly over a decade ago after he cheated. So was it over for a decade? Maybe it was over 15 years ago. If so, we both did a very good job of convincing ourselves otherwise.

We had little kids, and it was a turbulent time. My son had a rough start being much smaller at birth than his sister, and they were born a little premature too. So it was just a very hard time those first few years. Having three kids within 18 months of each other was monumental. I was grumpy and exhausted all the time, and very worried about developmental delays, not knowing if our son was going to have life-long issues or not. It turns out, he's actually very very smart, but socially awkward, so he was also difficult in elementary school, never fitting in. He stopped wanting to go to school after he ended up with some very tough boys in his class, so we home-schooled for a bit, until we could find the right school for him. So there were phases where we were consumed with child rearing, and didn't do a lot for each other. We didn't fight or argue or anything, we were just very busy with daily life and I was tired a lot. We also had some stretches when he had to be away for work too, and I was really exhausted by the time he came home again, so I would need a few days to recuperate and he'd do the nighttime routine. So there were not many dinners alone, or evenings out during that time. In some ways, I have compared our lives to the movie "Date Night" quite a bit. We really had to concentrate on trying to find a night out together with no kids! That wasn't easy either because we went through many babysitters who just didn't want to deal with three of them. Sometimes it felt like triplets, even though oldest DD was 18 months older. Could we have done more for each other? That's always a maybe and I'll never know if it would have made a difference. 

I actually blamed myself a lot for his stepping out back then. He considered leaving, but we worked things out, and after his fling, he said his kids and family were most important to him, and apologized profusely, yada yada. I could see how he might want a new and free life. I actually fantasized about it too… not another man, but just being free. So when he did go off and fooled around, I couldn't blame him, because I almost had wished it was me. That might sound weird, but it was a wake-up call to both of us. We really did get to a good place for quite a while, and I even managed to forget the trauma of that period. As the kids got older, we had more time to do things together. We've always been very good friends and company for each other. We had a wide circle of friends, and also some activities and social stuff on our own too. It seemed good again, like the old us, but with kids in tow. We enjoyed their sports things very much and we had a good group of friends we met through the kids' school and sports. I really thought we had weathered that turbulence and were fine. 

But then he was ladder-climbing in his career and there were changes here and there, and sometimes there was travel involved. That was hard. I did notice we were less communicative. There were periods of low interest in the physical as well. But I chalked it all up to life being busy. Who knows? Maybe he was cheating then too. I'll never know and don't care to know. Then I had that malignancy that threw us upside down. I feel like that was the tipping point in a very precarious period, and he was forced to consider the second half of life. I truly believe it threw him into a mid-life crisis. I'll never forget the day we talked about what-if… what if I'm not going to make it to when the kids hit their life's milestones like graduations and weddings, etc. He showed the most emotion then than I have ever seen in our entire time together. I think that it was a real dawning and realization that we were getting older and there is only so much time you have to do things in life. I will always believe that sent him into a different mind-set. The worst part is that I don't think he's too particularly happy where he is now, but he's made his bed and there's no going back.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> I realized life is too short and my kids will be OK if we are both involved in their lives and left 4 months ago.


Good for you if you left BEFORE you were seeing someone else. That's been a real kicker for me. To know he started seeing this much younger woman, literally while I was recuperating from invasive procedures, made me question everything I thought was real.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

I hate my STBX. I really hate him. I hate what he's doing to my kids. I hate what he's done to me. My younger daughter had a meltdown this weekend. With graduation and all that coming up, the older sister just getting home from college, now talk about dividing assets is thrown into the mix, she's just getting overwhelmed. I think we are going to have to move, and that's scary for all of us. How do I move into a smaller place with kids still coming home from college for breaks? But their father seems to think, great, they''ll all be out of the house, so wrap it up and move on. WTF? He's just so unrealistic about everything. And he's living the good life now too, traveling and going out on the town with his bimbo, moved in together with her, while we shop at Goodwill and eat generic brand everything now. There are days like this weekend, I feel like I could snap. That's scares me even more. The kids see it too, and they now offer solutions as well, which is sweet of them and makes me even angrier because all they should be worried about is getting settled in college. My oldest suggested that if we move at the beginning of the summer break, then the new house will still be their house too (which I thought to be very mature and good thinking from her). My son offered that he could get an apartment (ah… no I didn't like that idea. He needs to grow up a little more and get some college under his belt first). My younger daughter says she never wants us to sell this house and she wants to buy it from me someday and live here herself. She doesn't remember living anywhere else and she doesn't want "home" to go away. 

I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow with it all sorted out and done. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't even make simple decisions anymore. I drove to go shopping last week, got to the store and couldn't for the life of me remember what I needed. Ended up buying nothing and coming home again. Just dazed and confused sometimes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When my dad left and we were left nearly penniless, my mom started bringing boarders in to stay in one of the rooms. It helped keep her from having to sell the house until I graduated at least. And I have fond memories of those people who stayed at our house.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

FINALLY! I signed and papers were filed today! It's weird, because I don't feel bad or good. It's like I sent off payment for my phone bill or something. I guess plain old resignation has set in. I will be glad when the kids are all settled in college. They pick up on snippets and want to know what's up, and my drama queen likes to ask a lot of questions, so the diversion and newness of college will be very good for them. I have to help her with reality checks frequently, but I know a lot of it is being nervous about going away to school. 

I really like my lawyer. Now having talked out EVERYTHING from assets to options with the lawyer, I feel so much better. I seriously have to reign myself in and say "step by step" with the process and not overwhelm myself. I don't like doing that. I'm a big-picture thinker and I see possibilities and outcomes, and then I want it done yesterday. I HATE doing one step and not planning out 10 other moves to come. Divorce chess. 

It's all falling into place though. Until the next panic attack that is. I'm glad it's summer. The nice weather and being outdoors makes a huge difference for me! I've been jogging (very slow, but still out there), and doing other things that make me feel good. I've gotten a positive feedback from some creative work, so things are looking up. I would love it if I could turn that into supplemental income too. It is good to do something for myself finally. And to top it off, I just had a check-up and a worrisome "lump" turned out to be just a cyst and is almost gone… so one more thing to check off and get rid of. Now if I can suppress my wish for revenge on OW, I'm doing alright. Trying to keep that genie in the bottle. I was just talking to a friend today how I'm much angrier with OW than POS WH. But then, even my mother said, women are predators. I know it's not the best thing, but it sure is fun to visualize revenge. It's cathartic for me. In fact, I think she could even be in my next book.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

I just changed the title of this post from "not working picking up the pieces" to PICKING UP THE PIECES. 

Even after a night's sleep to mull over and process filing, I still feel nothing. I find that odd since I expected to be a wreck. But I'm not. I think I've been grieving the loss long enough that I've reached the acceptance phase. I really just don't care. I can even laugh about some things. I'm sure I'll swing back and forth and have bad days too, but I also think knowing that my kids will be engrossed in college stuff in just a couple more weeks, I don't have to be holding it all together anymore. I can just let it happen! That helps a lot! Of course, they'll be home for breaks and be around, but it's not the same as living with them day in, day out, and trying to maintain a facade of calm. And I'm SO happy that all 3 are genuinely excited for college. I hear bubbly plans being made for visits to each other when one has a break and the other doesn't, so that tells me, they truly are moving on with their lives. I did it! I got them going to their next chapters and happily! For that, I'm going to take FULL credit, because I've been picking up the pieces of their lives for quite a while now, when their father has turned into nothing more than a disappointment (and moneybag). I don't want to make the choose sides, but I can see, if push came to shove, they would be at my side no matter what, but I'm not so sure about that with their dad. I'm trying very hard to moderate things between kids and father, but that can only go so far. I don't make them feel guilty, but I also don't allow them to get caught in the middle. They are caught up to some extent because of dealing with money. Who knew how freaking expensive college was when they were toddlers?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think women are often like that. Realize the truth and carry on.

And college wasn't that expensive when they were toddlers! Mine was about $500 a semester! I saved up $20,000, thinking I was doing good. It's covering only two years of Masters. The rest is on loans.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

STBX has been served and papers are returned. This is it. Still no emotion good or bad from me, and certainly not from STBX. It seems like I should be sad. I'm not. I was all cried out a long time ago. Maybe I should feel some relief, but I'm cautious, not knowing how this all pans out. I guess just turning my lot over to the courts is a good thing for me. Now I have my lawyer who will help me control it. I just want everything done now. The kids are doing ok. One is still adamant about not meeting the woman "that broke up the family". I stay out of that as much as I can. Such a tough spot. I just want them to have a decent relationship with their father still. I could give a hoot about the POSOW, and I hope she feels like the tramp she is, but I'm not going to go there with my kids. I'm not going to discourage nor encourage anything about that side of the relationship. I've done the best I could. I want him to support his kids, and be a part of their lives, but he also made his choices. It's not up to me to "manage" the family anymore. The "kids" are all technically adults now. I just want them to go on with their lives and pray we haven't screwed them up too bad. I see changes. I see the hurt and anger. But I have tried to make them focus on their hope, and their own futures. It's helps when we all are excited about their new adventures in college and beyond. A couple more weeks and I'll have an empty house. But that's ok. I think I need to time alone to just process everything. Closing off 25 years of a chapter in life is weird. It doesn't even seem like it was real anymore. It's like something I read in a book. I'm compartmentalizing things, and just turning out the lights. Just detaching from it.

Waiting for my Matrix 2.0 to be loaded and ready to roll. Seriously, it's feels like flipping all the switches at once. Time to hit the reboot.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like you are progressing and holding things together, congrats. You are wise to back away from the relationship between your kids and their dad, they (they being the kids AND dad) are the ones responsible for that, no matter which way it goes. Being supportive of them is what is important.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

So the empty house phase has begun. Kids all off to college. Queue the tears. But I'm going to be ok. I keep telling myself that.

It's going to be interesting to see how the new normal develops. I have no idea what that looks like. So I'm picking through the detritus of 20 years' worth of family life. I have this overwhelming desire to purge and throw EVERYTHING away. I can't do that, but I seriously have imagined a big bonfire. The kids all feel it too. Over the summer, the photo albums came out. We did a few things like we used to do. We did some reminiscing. The kids and I all went out to our favorite restaurant together before the first one drove off to college. It's seriously like mourning a death. Marriage for me. Childhood for them. Family life for all of us. Now all the new questions start … how are we doing holidays? When will we get to see dad? Is dad still going to come visit us? It's so bizarre to me. I will never understand how he can walk away from all that we had. How he threw is family away. Dumb a$$. 

I sent my kids off with hugs and well-wishes and positive energy and excitement of all the new things they will do. I have kept it together for them for a long time. Now that the need for the strong role model and positive face has left until the next school vacation, I feel the toll 5 years of extreme stress has had on me. 

I've never felt so tired in my life.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

….. and to add insult to injury, a new friend of mine who has never met my STBX, saw him with my daughter in town and wondered if that was "him". She asked me today… "was that tall glass of water your Ex????". 

Yup. Unfortunately that glass liked to get drunk elsewhere while I stayed home raising the family and taking care of the house. He worked and played. I labored.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

FoxinSocks said:


> ….. *and to add insult to injury*, a new friend of mine who has never met my STBX, saw him with my daughter in town and wondered if that was "him". She asked me today… "was that tall glass of water your Ex????".
> 
> Yup. Unfortunately that glass liked to get drunk elsewhere while I stayed home raising the family and taking care of the house. He worked and played. I labored.


What do you mean insult to injury? Was she complimenting him? You didn't like that?

Also how old is he?


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

Tall glass of water was a compliment, as in a very handsome guy. It just made me feel bad. It sounded like it made it even worse that he left, being such a handsome guy. Almost like.. too bad you let that one get away. It just came out odd and made me feel bad. I don't think I ever want to hear again how other people view him as attractive. Is that weird? And indeed, he is extremely easy on the eyes. Quite handsome and sexy. Striking eyes. Women fall all over him all the time. And he's very charismatic, and attracted that atmosphere. All great qualities if you want to be a serial cheater, in fact.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FoxinSocks said:


> Tall glass of water was a compliment, as in a very handsome guy. It just made me feel bad. It sounded like it made it even worse that he left, being such a handsome guy. Almost like.. too bad you let that one get away. It just came out odd and made me feel bad. I don't think I ever want to hear again how other people view him as attractive. Is that weird? And indeed, he is extremely easy on the eyes. Quite handsome and sexy. Striking eyes. Women fall all over him all the time. And he's very charismatic, and attracted that atmosphere. All great qualities if you want to be a serial cheater, in fact.


I hope you said this...
Yup. Unfortunately that glass liked to get drunk elsewhere while I stayed home raising the family and taking care of the house. He worked and played. I labored....

to her when she made that comment. How freaking inconsiderate.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I hope you said this...
> Yup. Unfortunately that glass liked to get drunk elsewhere while I stayed home raising the family and taking care of the house. He worked and played. I labored....
> 
> to her when she made that comment. How freaking inconsiderate.


Yes I did say this! It was very very awkward too, because she was truly embarrassed after that, but I am so tired of people who don't know us really well, looking at him like he's a deity, and I"m old and haggard. I sometimes feel like people are thinking… yeah… no wonder he left me. That charismatic persona pulls at people like moths to the flame. But the day to day person who is not being center of attention is something quite different. He's very self-absorbed. I see this more and more. What they don't realize is that he sucked as a husband and partner. Who wants to be with a gorgeous guy if he wants to share himself with not just you, but other moths as well. I"m paying the price in more ways than one. 

Part of me thinks very evil thoughts. I'm not in a good frame of mind tonight. I just found out that one of my kids is going with him and the OW over the fall break from college. I'm bummed. I thought all the kids were going to be home. It's not really a big deal, but it's an empty nest moment that is hitting me hard. Having all the kids in college is quite an adjustment, and figuring out how to deal with schedules is going to be something hard for me. For the first time, I also said tonight, I"m not a freaking Holiday Inn you call the night before looking for a room. I'm a little ticked off because the logistics of kids with no cars all falls to me, but good-time Charlie can make a fun plan to "go away" with one of them. I can see I"m going to have to put my foot down and even though they are old enough to decide on their own what to do, I'm going to set some ground rules about using me like a hotel. I need to start a new life too, and not just be left holding the bag all the time when something better comes along. 

Just when I feel like I've got a handle on something, a new little wrinkle comes up. Frustrating. I am very angry tonight. It's not fair. I gave up so much for family and futures, but the only future that seems bleak and lost is MINE.


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