# My Spouse Shows Me I'm Not Worthy of Much



## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Amid this CO-VID 19 pandemic, my husband did not want to pay for my health insurance. My insurance is about $223 per month (I have a huge out-of-pocket if I ever need surgery, etc.). I stopped my dental insurance to help us save money. My husband basically informed me that he wants me to pay for my health insurance. My husband has over $350,000 in investments. We have a rental house that pays him (not me) $1,200 per month. Unfortunately, I only make $1,100 per month on Social Security. We have been married for over 42 years, and for most of our marriage I had his health insurance deducted from my check, as well as our two kids' health insurance was also deducted, every month throughout my working life as a legal secretary. 

I made sure we (including our two kids) had the best dental and health insurance I could afford. While working for over 30 years as a legal assistant/secretary, I also paid for all our bills minus car insurance and homeowner's insurance. So I pretty much paid for most of the bills every month. Since retirement, I can only afford all of the food and my gas. We have three Grandchildren, and I am pretty active in their lives. I buy most of their clothes. I usually buy the best I can find second hand, wash and iron it to make it look like new. I either make their coats (I'm a die-hard seamstress) or buy their coats from retail stores. I take them out to lunch or a snack about once a week so we can spend some time together. However, now I can't be in close proximity to them because of the virus and I really miss them. 

I paid for my husband's health insurance which greatly helped us when my husband thought he was having a heart attack. At that time, I took him to the Emergency Room at our local hospital and spent the night in a chair wanting to be close to him just in case he needed me, etc. It turned out he wasn't having a heart attack which was good to hear. I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. What my Husband was bickering over is our adult Son's $525 monthly rental payment that he gives to my husband (our Son is currently living with us). I am allowed $200 per month from that money (I was donating plasma to make more money because I was so broke all of the time. My husband urged me to stop donating saying he would pay what the plasma place was paying (I made over $300 per month). 

Once I stopped the plasma donation, he immediately began arguing with me about the monthly amount he agreed to. As of today, I was getting $200 per month from my Son's rent payment. That $200 per month is what he has a beef about. I will stop boring everyone by going on and on. I just wanted to tell someone about this latest event because, basically, what he did this morning sucked. He can be a very selfish person. I am no angel, but I wouldn't treat anyone with such a lack of consideration or concern for their welfare. We are not talking now as I took less then a minute to remind him about my paying for his health insurance throughout the years. He has taken off in his truck in a huff. You would think during this time of this blasted pandemic, people would draw closer together (if not physically, then definitely in their hearts). 

That people would appreciate their loved ones even more right now and would want to show them that. We are both senior citizens. It is a possibility that one of us, or most likely both of us, could catch the virus and possibly die from it. I went for a walk and prayed to God which did help me. Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit. Thanks for listening.


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## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

Well that sucks big time. If I did all you did for that many years and show such selfishness I would be upset, too. 

My other half walked out on me over 3 weeks ago during all this. Basically started a fight over something small. Been completely alone since. Everyone I know lives too far. Just me and my dog.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yougogirl, I edited your post to add paragraphs so it's easier to read. That way more people will read it and give you input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you considered divorcing your husband? If you were to divorce him, you would get about 50% of all assets, even those that for some reason he thinks belong to only him. He'd most likely have to pay you alimony as well. 

It would certainly wake him up to the reality, that you have a lot more power in this relationship than you are exercising.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

yougogirl said:


> Amid this CO-VID 19 pandemic, my husband did not want to pay for my health insurance. My insurance is about $223 per month (I have a huge out-of-pocket if I ever need surgery, etc.). I stopped my dental insurance to help us save money. My husband basically informed me that he wants me to pay for my health insurance. My husband has over $350,000 in investments. We have a rental house that pays him (not me) $1,200 per month. Unfortunately, I only make $1,100 per month on Social Security. We have been married for over 42 years, and for most of our marriage I had his health insurance deducted from my check, as well as our two kids' health insurance was also deducted, every month throughout my working life as a legal secretary.
> 
> I made sure we (including our two kids) had the best dental and health insurance I could afford. While working for over 30 years as a legal assistant/secretary, I also paid for all our bills minus car insurance and homeowner's insurance. So I pretty much paid for most of the bills every month. Since retirement, I can only afford all of the food and my gas. We have three Grandchildren, and I am pretty active in their lives. I buy most of their clothes. I usually buy the best I can find second hand, wash and iron it to make it look like new. I either make their coats (I'm a die-hard seamstress) or buy their coats from retail stores. I take them out to lunch or a snack about once a week so we can spend some time together. However, now I can't be in close proximity to them because of the virus and I really miss them.
> 
> ...


Divorce him and sue for alimony. It will be more than $200 / month.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce him.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Thank you so much for your replies, JMarie and EleGirl. It really helps to have some confirmation that what my husband did was just wrong. I'm sorry, JMarie, that your husband left, and that he left at this time in your life. Sometimes our pets give us more emotional support than our spouses. What kind of dog do you have? I'm in Oregon. What state do you live in?

EleGirll, my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce at least ten times throughout the years. I have been in counselling during most of those years. We have been in couples counselling three times. It is so true that a person can only change how they react, and they can't even one iota change someone else. My husband took off to our cabin that is 4 hours away. When I was walking and praying, I told God that I wished I could go to our little cabin, justifying it by saying I can't see my grand kids anyway, I could hole away there for awhile and my husband and I could have a break from one another. Then the thought came to me "You would want to be at home in case someone needs you. If someone needed you, and you were many miles away, you would feel horrible if something tragic happened to them. I decided then I was not going to our cabin. As soon as I got home from my walk, my husband told me he wanted to go to our cabin -- problem solved. We both get a break from each other and I can still be here if someone needs me. I asked my husband to please text me to let me know he got there safely. Our cabin is located in a somewhat isolated area so not a lot of contact with people there (though we have neighbors across the street and right next door to our cabin). I feel God answered my prayers in His own incredible way. Thank you for your responses, JMarie and EleGirl.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Thank you for your responses, Anastasia6 and MattMatt. Succinct and to the point!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I never go into such detail, but here it is: It is really painful when a spouse is deliberately hateful and even moreso when it is a time of special need. Glad you have a strong bond with kids and grandkids. Do you have transportation of your own? Save a little money if you can and start preparing. I was probably close to your age.

My now ex cancelled insurance, moved finances into his mother's name, hid money/stock, rewrote his will, and essentially said I was a burden in many ways. During much of the marriage, I ignored his blatant and narcissistic disrespect. I considered marriage a covenant with God. 

Then in a time when I was injured, he left me without heat, electricity, survival necessities and went elsewhere to stay during a horrible storm. He refused to fix my transportation when it became unsafe. He cut off finances little by little. He had done every thing he could to crush my spirit. But I woke up after I started to realize how much he would have to hate me to treat me in this manner. I had been unaware there was such a thing as emotional abuse.

You know what? I was to blame for allowing him to gradually change our marriage into a despot/slave relationship. God does not want anyone to be abused, not anyone. It takes courage--I filed for divorce. He started scrambling even though what he had really been doing was trying to get me to leave. 'Twas a long two years, but I had never felt better. My kids were and are proud of me--my friends too. Today, I am still becoming the person God meant for me to be. I am able to relate here because of the insight I gained studying and trying to figure out what to do. Sorry for the long rant, but I try to make lemonade out of lemons.

Only you can decide what to do. My ex was and still is livid when the judge awarded me much more than expected because he did not ever want me to have to interact with ex. Higher courts upheld the decision. God is in control. Hugs.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Thank you so much sunsetmist. I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, God does not want me to suffer abuse of any type. I am so thankful He is truly the one in control of my life. I have had to stand up for myself more and more throughout the years. I am much stronger than I used to be. However, 40+ year marriage with a controlling spouse is still together. For the most part, my marriage is much better than it used to be when I was a literal mat for my husband to stomp on, though, as you know, my husband threw me a very hard curve ball. It will be interesting to see how we make it through this pandemic. I believe the virus is strengthening the healthy relationships, and possibly really testing the unhealthy ones. The fallout will be interesting to say the least! Again, thank you for sharing with me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yougogirl, question; If YOU both own the rental property, why does all the money go to HIM?? You both should be sharing in that income. Sounds like you both keep all of your accounts separate? I hope he realizes that if you divorce him that $350k investments -- HALF goes to you!!! HALF of the rental house property sale goes to YOU, etc... He is a cheapskate.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

yougogirl said:


> Thank you so much sunsetmist. I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, God does not want me to suffer abuse of any type. I am so thankful He is truly the one in control of my life. I have had to stand up for myself more and more throughout the years. I am much stronger than I used to be. However, 40+ year marriage with a controlling spouse is still together. For the most part, my marriage is much better than it used to be when I was a literal mat for my husband to stomp on, though, as you know, my husband threw me a very hard curve ball. It will be interesting to see how we make it through this pandemic. I believe the virus is strengthening the healthy relationships, and possibly really testing the unhealthy ones. The fallout will be interesting to say the least! Again, thank you for sharing with me.


Sunsetmist: I forgot to say, I'm so sorry you have suffered so much at the hands of your ex. He was very cold and heartless to you. I totally understand feeling at the mercy of your spouse, especially financially, in a marriage. I too have taken a long, constant beating up of my spirit. I can say even today that my spouse and I love each other, though he is controlling and I believe narcissistic. He has put up with me in many ways as well. I came from a severely abusive family background which has affected how I am with intimacy. I have felt my marriage was worth fighting for, that God hates divorce, etc. Here I am again, though, finding myself tired of the long fight.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Yougogirl, question; If YOU both own the rental property, why does all the money go to HIM?? You both should be sharing in that income. Sounds like you both keep all of your accounts separate? I hope he realizes that if you divorce him that $350k investments -- HALF goes to you!!! HALF of the rental house property sale goes to YOU, etc... He is a cheapskate.


Thank you jlg07. I hear what you are saying. Right from the get go of our marriage, I let my husband take the reins financially. I believe that probably is never a good idea for either spouse to do in a marriage. I thought questioning him about anything was a criticism of his character because that is how he made me feel when I would even try to question something. I do see that I allowed him to take control. I am a pleaser by nature, and he took full advantage of that. Thank you for sharing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, allowing him to "take care" of the finances does not mean that YOU don't have access to them! Just because my wife writes the checks for the bills doesn't mean I don't have access to our $$$. She is a SAHM -- doesn't mean SHE doesn't have access to the $$. YOU should have joint access to these funds. If not, you need to see about changing that. Questions mean YOU want to understand something -- doesn't mean you are questioning HIS character or capabilities. You SHOULD understand the state of your finances, where your funds are kept, current balances, etc. You will need to know this info anyway if you decide to talk with a lawyer (TALKING to one doesn't mean you have to divorce but getting a plan together in CASE you decide that may help you clarify your decisions).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's cheaper to feed one than two. Take the money you would spend on food for him and pay for your insurance. Stop doing his laundry. Have your son write two checks - 1/2 to you and 1/2 to your husband. Consult with an attorney just to get your facts straight about asset division and any support monies.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> It's cheaper to feed one than two. Take the money you would spend on food for him and pay for your insurance. Stop doing his laundry. Have your son write two checks - 1/2 to you and 1/2 to your husband. Consult with an attorney just to get your facts straight about asset division and any support monies.


Thank you. I appreciate your sharing and your reply is food for thought. Husband's and my name are on most of our accounts. He feels threatened if I verbalize that I want half of something though. He is used to me not asking for half. Husband has left for our cabin that's 4 hours away. Maybe he will take a personal inventory on what is truly important in is life at this critical time in not just our Country, but in our world.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

yougogirl said:


> He feels threatened if I verbalize that I want half of something though.


So what if he feels "threatened." The law is the law, and after a long-term marriage, you are basically entitled to half the assets. Joint accounts? Then half of what is in those accounts is yours. Seriously, this is where you need to stand up for yourself. 

Your husband is financially manipulating you and you are allowing it. Uh, no. Just. No. You can remain a victim of his abuse, or you can realize that BY LAW you have every right to your share of the finances. Like I said, let him feel "threatened." That's HIS problem - do NOT make it yours.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Please do not live the rest of your life like this... where the love of money is placed ahead of any love for you.

There is a far better life out there... wake it up.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Please do not live the rest of your life like this... where the love of money is placed ahead of any love for you.
> 
> There is a far better life out there... wake it up.


Thank you E.B. for your words of wisdom. I have a lot to think and pray


Prodigal said:


> So what if he feels "threatened." The law is the law, and after a long-term marriage, you are basically entitled to half the assets. Joint accounts? Then half of what is in those accounts is yours. Seriously, this is where you need to stand up for yourself.
> 
> Your husband is financially manipulating you and you are allowing it. Uh, no. Just. No. You can remain a victim of his abuse, or you can realize that BY LAW you have every right to your share of the finances. Like I said, let him feel "threatened." That's HIS problem - do NOT make it yours.


Hi Prodigal. Yes, I have accused him of manipulating me just recently. Husband does not understand how controlling he is. Coming back from our cabin a couple days ago, I was calling a pizza into Pappa Murphy's by our main home and Husband got all over me instructing me how I should order a pizza. I told him I did just fine, and that he really makes a fool out of himself sometimes when he feels the urge to correct me and messes up in the process. If you are like me, sometimes I wonder why people act the way they do. What caused them to be that way. My husband's Father left him and his Mother when he was 14 ys old. His Father would often not show up for a scheduled visit. His Mother got so offended early on after the divorce by the way she and their Son (my Husband) was being treated, she told her ex (Husband's Father) that she did not want any support money from him. So, my Husband got some handmade shirts as well as some expensive Pendleton shirts occasionally. He told me money was pretty tight but that his Mom made sure he didn't feel poor. Anyway, I believe that's why my Husband is so controlling. Yeah, I understand that no matter the excuse, it doesn't make that type of behavior acceptable.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So is the $350,000 in investments all he has for retirement? 
Do you have any money saved for retirement?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> So is the $350,000 in investments all he has for retirement?
> Do you have any money saved for retirement?


Half that...😉


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Not to be a negative Nancy but I too am crazy and controlling about money. I am living my life as if I have to depend on myself only. 

Does your husband think you are bad with money? 

You guys are in retirement now? 

I’m assuming you guys are around 65ish. And if $350,000 is all you guys have for retirement I too would be living frugally.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

In my experience, people unmindfully control for two reasons... fear (insecurity) or power (desire).

Just for comparison, "safety" is a mindful way control is used.

I don't see mindful in any of this...

When the unmindful happens, begin defusing it with:

I'm sorry you feel that way...

I see things differently...

and if you need a hard halt:

I’m not okay with x.

There are emerging boundaries that will allow you a foothold that give room to process the situation around you and allow you to kindly say "I disagree with your behavior", especially where your value as a person may be placed below mammon.

This may create hard questions... "am I placed below these material things?" that would not hurt him to hear but you know that actions and not words will provide you the answers.

Love yourself more...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think that it’s hard for me to comment because we are missing the other side. 

But it unfortunately sounds like the OP is a giver, and she gave her whole life and took care of everyone else before herself. She probably didn’t save for retirement, and had a different expectation Of her life post retirement. 
Still today she is putting other people’s needs above hers. 
Her husband is not as nice as she is. He is not as charitable as she is. Givers seem to marry takers and it’s not fair for the givers. 

This whole thing saddens me.


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## yougogirl (Nov 19, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> So is the $350,000 in investments all he has for retirement?
> Do you have any money saved for retirement?


Hello. I also have a retirement nest egg which took huge hits during the last year. My daughter and son-in-law separated just over one year ago, and her and our three Grandchildren moved into a rental house. My Husband wasn't really willing to help our Daughter and Grandkids out by coming up with any money, so I paid first and last rent payment, paid an overdue electric bill, bought Daughter's car ($20,000) when it got repossessed for lack of payment (our Grandkids had to help my Daughter remove personal items from the car while very mean looking men waited to tow the car away. It was awful.)

I bought beds, couch, etc., because she left with only her bed that she paid for. Her ex was unwilling to let her leave with much and she couldn't afford an attorney. Reason Daughter left son-in-law was he wouldn't work full time, no intimacy to where they had a platonic relationship for quite some time. Son-in-law was just "using" our Daughter as a meal ticket and that hurt her so much she finally broke off from him. 

So, before leaving her husband, she had been paying for all their health ins., all the car insurance, all of the cell phone bill, and most of the remaining bills. Daughter continued to pay for son-in-law's cell phone, monthly health and dental insurance, car insurance for the next year of their separation, with barely any help from her ex, to the point that she was "putting out fires." Unfortunately, the minimal payments on her car got the better of her. I am saying all of this in answer to your question because it does relate to me. Years ago, I had a counselor tell me that my passive, door-mat type behavior was going to affect how my children related to the people in their lives. Counselor said our Daughter would probably be like me if I didn't make changes in my life by being assertive, taking care of myself, and ultimately leaving my Husband. Well, Counselor's words came true. However, our Daughter LEFT her Husband and I made sure to help her financially so she could leave him. Sorry this was so long.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

yougogirl said:


> Hello. I also have a retirement nest egg which took huge hits during the last year. My daughter and son-in-law separated just over one year ago, and her and our three Grandchildren moved into a rental house. My Husband wasn't really willing to help our Daughter and Grandkids out by coming up with any money, so I paid first and last rent payment, paid an overdue electric bill, bought Daughter's car ($20,000) when it got repossessed for lack of payment (our Grandkids had to help my Daughter remove personal items from the car while very mean looking men waited to tow the car away. It was awful.)
> 
> I bought beds, couch, etc., because she left with only her bed that she paid for. Her ex was unwilling to let her leave with much and she couldn't afford an attorney. Reason Daughter left son-in-law was he wouldn't work full time, no intimacy to where they had a platonic relationship for quite some time. Son-in-law was just "using" our Daughter as a meal ticket and that hurt her so much she finally broke off from him.
> 
> So, before leaving her husband, she had been paying for all their health ins., all the car insurance, all of the cell phone bill, and most of the remaining bills. Daughter continued to pay for son-in-law's cell phone, monthly health and dental insurance, car insurance for the next year of their separation, with barely any help from her ex, to the point that she was "putting out fires." Unfortunately, the minimal payments on her car got the better of her. I am saying all of this in answer to your question because it does relate to me. Years ago, I had a counselor tell me that my passive, door-mat type behavior was going to affect how my children related to the people in their lives. Counselor said our Daughter would probably be like me if I didn't make changes in my life by being assertive, taking care of myself, and ultimately leaving my Husband. Well, Counselor's words came true. However, our Daughter LEFT her Husband and I made sure to help her financially so she could leave him. Sorry this was so long.


Yup, you daughter learned well from you sorry to say. First, I CANNOT believe that your H would not help his own daughter out! What was his reasoning at that time? One thing I CAN tell you, you now know it's not something about YOU particularly that your H acts this way -- he is miserable to his own D so you can be sure this is 100% HIM (so if you are doubting yourself, DON'T, OK?). Good Lord -- I can't fathom the mindset of someone like this (and yes, I know other people like this and still cannot understand how someone can be so awful to people they are supposed to love).

I hope that your D at least gets some sort of child support for all this -- she needs to protect her kids financially, and while she may not have funds for a lawyer, take a loan, or do SOMETHING to protect herself (you may need this also!!)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would be interested in finding out his reason for suddenly wanting you to cover this expense (health insurance). Have his expenses increased and if so why. 

Does he gamble, drink, loan money to buddies etc.

Could picking a fight have been an excuse for him to head for the hills 4 hours away and what is so attractive about that cabin (other than it is remote)? 

OK, I 've danced around it for long enough - is it possible he has a girlfriend? It takes money to wine and dine women (he has the motel covered).


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

...Only bring in xxxx amount per month. Are you serious! People here would give their left arms for love and dedication with a time stamp of over 40 years. Hell, They would offer a kidney for half that time. You are a beautiful person and need to be cherished as such. Marriage is between two people working together. Not one king, and the rest surfs to be slaving for HIS happiness. Crap.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

yougogirl said:


> Thank you so much sunsetmist. I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, God does not want me to suffer abuse of any type. I am so thankful He is truly the one in control of my life. I have had to stand up for myself more and more throughout the years. I am much stronger than I used to be. However, 40+ year marriage with a controlling spouse is still together. For the most part, my marriage is much better than it used to be when I was a literal mat for my husband to stomp on, though, as you know, my husband threw me a very hard curve ball. It will be interesting to see how we make it through this pandemic. I believe the virus is strengthening the healthy relationships, and possibly really testing the unhealthy ones. The fallout will be interesting to say the least! Again, thank you for sharing with me.


OP,

Sorry you're going through this.

He sounds like and acts like an ass.

Tragically the best advice is to contact a lawyer, divorce him. I'm never this quick to agree to a D being needed.

But, with the info I've read it's been a long time coming. If he's acting so badly now, he can't be trusted in any serious hardships.

I can hardly believe how badly he's historically acted, and continues horribly. 

As your H, he shouldn't be able to live with the things he's doing. 

It does show you, you need to D, and take half the family assets. 

The assets aren't all "his".

Reach out to some of your legal friends, get a lawyer.

Best wishes


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@yougogirl - I'll just respond to this from the Christian perspective, which is a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Your husband neither exemplifies or demonstrates such traits. To me, that seems it would be grounds to at least separate from him. And, if you do decide to separate, be sure you take half of what is legally yours before you walk. JMO.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is a disgusting human being. I have no idea why you tolerated this crap. Divorce him and take him for every dime you can. 




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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> OK, I 've danced around it for long enough - is it possible he has a girlfriend? It takes money to wine and dine women (he has the motel covered).


I bet he’s had girlfriends from day one all forty years. 




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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Divorce him and get a really good lawyer.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

yougogirl said:


> Amid this CO-VID 19 pandemic, my husband did not want to pay for my health insurance.
> My insurance is about $223 per month (I have a huge out-of-pocket if I ever need surgery, etc.).
> I stopped my dental insurance to help us save money.
> My husband basically informed me that he wants me to pay for my health insurance.
> ...


OMG!!!
If I was you I would stop doing anything for him at all.
Let him make his own food, do his own laundry.
Go on strike.
Best thing: Deny him any kiss, cuddling, hugs and sex.
Go cold as ice on him.
Let him freeze.
When he begs, be firm and cold.
"Do it yourself, you're a grown man"


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## Ontheotherside (Nov 30, 2018)

Divorce him. You’d get half of investments, half of that rental, pretty much half of everything. You’ll be all set and in a much better shape than you are now 


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