# Hello everybody



## Not-your-ordinary (Feb 11, 2021)

I’m new to this forum. I was drawn to it because I was desperately searching for topics on how or if it’s possible to get passed the fact that a partner (girlfriend) is an ex-swinger. I’ve never been a person who wonders, better yet, obsesses about the possibility she will cheat or want to go back to it. She did tell me about it on her own, not like I found out and asked for an explanation. So I’ll give her that much. I find that I can’t get it out of my head though, some days it consumes me. I know it was with over 40 different men over about a years time. She admits that it was an attempt to save her marriage but ultimately separated anyway. Her marriage was psychological abusive and he also cheated on her previous to swinging. Her explanation of why they (she) joined is because it was an escape and became an addiction. I read all the posts in a related thread but none really matched my scenario. 
Please! Does anyone have some advice for me in how to move forward with this? Or if I should at all. 
Thanks


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well you have chosen to be with her despite it so you need to decide if its something you can live with and risk or not. You are not married so are free to move on if its a step too far for you. 40 men in a year is a lot, but only you know if this is or isnt ok with you. 
I wouldn't be with someone who used to swing, but thats because they wouldnt share my views/beliefs on marriage and sex. You need to decide for yourself. How long have you been with her?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not-your-ordinary said:


> I’m new to this forum. I was drawn to it because I was desperately searching for topics on how or if it’s possible to get passed the fact that a partner (girlfriend) is an ex-swinger. I’ve never been a person who wonders, better yet, obsesses about the possibility she will cheat or want to go back to it. She did tell me about it on her own, not like I found out and asked for an explanation. So I’ll give her that much. I find that I can’t get it out of my head though, some days it consumes me. I know it was with over 40 different men over about a years time. She admits that it was an attempt to save her marriage but ultimately separated anyway. Her marriage was psychological abusive and he also cheated on her previous to swinging. Her explanation of why they (she) joined is because it was an escape and became an addiction. I read all the posts in a related thread but none really matched my scenario.
> Please! Does anyone have some advice for me in how to move forward with this? Or if I should at all.
> Thanks


I'm very liberal and don't think how many people someone sleeps with is a problem. But she did this while staying in an abusive marriage. She did this to stay married. That is not healthy. No one should try to stay in an abusive marriage. Certainly her sleeping with that many people while married is some kind of acting out, but there's no reason to expect that she has actually changed. The bottom line is she sounds like she has horrible judgment, staying in an abused marriage, and horrible judgment behaving like that instead of just getting out of that marriage. 

She just isn't stable mentally, in my opinion. She is all over the place. If you happen to be the guy who abused her, I'm telling you you are also unstable and need therapy. If not, then you need to just walk away and say, Whew, close call, and never look back.


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## Not-your-ordinary (Feb 11, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well you have chosen to be with her despite it so you need to decide if its something you can live with and risk or not. You are not married so are free to move on if its a step too far for you. 40 men in a year is a lot, but only you know if this is or isnt ok with you.
> I wouldn't be with someone who used to swing, but thats because they wouldnt share my views/beliefs on marriage and sex. You need to decide for yourself. How long have you been with her?


Thanks for your input, it is appreciated. I have been with her for a year and to be honest there is a part of me that wishes she didn’t tell me but I know that’s not health either. I have always been a one woman guy, never cheated on anyone I have ever been with and for me sex is the one thing that is sacred, shared between two people and not to handed out like desert after dinner. I don’t understand the swing lifestyle. To go to some “event” I will call it knowing that your wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend are going to have sex with a stranger and so are you. Maybe I thought I could get past it. It pisses me off that I’m in love with her and I feel this way.


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## Not-your-ordinary (Feb 11, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm very liberal and don't think how many people someone sleeps with is a problem. But she did this while staying in an abusive marriage. She did this to stay married. That is not healthy. No one should try to stay in an abusive marriage. Certainly her sleeping with that many people while married is some kind of acting out, but there's no reason to expect that she has actually changed. The bottom line is she sounds like she has horrible judgment, staying in an abused marriage, and horrible judgment behaving like that instead of just getting out of that marriage.
> 
> She just isn't stable mentally, in my opinion. She is all over the place. If you happen to be the guy who abused her, I'm telling you you are also unstable and need therapy. If not, then you need to just walk away and say, Whew, close call, and never look back.


Thank you also for you input as it is also appreciated. No, I’m not the one who abused her. I don't think it’s that simple, do you? If there are people in this world that have made terrible mistakes in their lives, do they from that day forward not deserve a quality relationship? Maybe, maybe not if they just can’t change. 
Are you saying, since I am asking for opinions, that someone who has been involved in that lifestyle is not worth the chance? The tough thing with all of this is that I’ve grown close to her children (great kids) and she hasn’t shown signs of wanting that lifestyle back but I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s bloody well non stop!

Thank you all for your comments, either way


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Does she have any contrition or sorrow? That would be the first step in making a firm purpose of amendment. If there is no sorrow she is more likely to return to that lifestyle.


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## Not-your-ordinary (Feb 11, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Does she have any contrition or sorrow? That would be the first step in making a firm purpose of amendment. If there is no sorrow she is more likely to return to that lifestyle.


Thank you for your input. 
Yes she has shown a great deal of regret and sorry. I don’t know if I’m being over the top with this or if my difficulty in dealing with this is normal. I just need some enlightenment to determine if I’m overthinking this.
Thanks


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not-your-ordinary said:


> Thank you also for you input as it is also appreciated. No, I’m not the one who abused her. I don't think it’s that simple, do you? If there are people in this world that have made terrible mistakes in their lives, do they from that day forward not deserve a quality relationship? Maybe, maybe not if they just can’t change.
> Are you saying, since I am asking for opinions, that someone who has been involved in that lifestyle is not worth the chance? The tough thing with all of this is that I’ve grown close to her children (great kids) and she hasn’t shown signs of wanting that lifestyle back but I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s bloody well non stop!
> 
> Thank you all for your comments, either way


If you genuinely think she may have changed or is planning to change and isn't going to just ruin your life, then I suggest either she gets in therapy and stays there for a while or you both go to therapy and talk through all this and the therapist can find out if she is stable at all or not at this point. 

To me this is not about the number of men but I know that's what it is about for men. It's more about the rest of the story and how that came about and her abuse relationships that she wanted to stay in. I think you need to get you both into therapy for now and that she might need to continue in it. Good luck. I'm also thinking that by you going to therapy with her, you might be able to get past this yourself once you have completely aired it out and tried to understand it.


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## Not-your-ordinary (Feb 11, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you genuinely think she may have changed or is planning to change and isn't going to just ruin your life, then I suggest either she gets in therapy and stays there for a while or you both go to therapy and talk through all this and the therapist can find out if she is stable at all or not at this point.
> 
> To me this is not about the number of men but I know that's what it is about for men. It's more about the rest of the story and how that came about and her abuse relationships that she wanted to stay in. I think you need to get you both into therapy for now and that she might need to continue in it. Good luck. I'm also thinking that by you going to therapy with her, you might be able to get past this yourself once you have completely aired it out and tried to understand it.


Thanks again. 
I think that great advice. I’m going to raise the suggestion and offer to go as well, your right, it would definitely help me too. Her response to that suggestion will also hold valuable information in respect to her willingness and drive for a healthy stable relationship. 
I’ll post in a couple of days as to her response.
Thank you again


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not-your-ordinary said:


> Thanks again.
> I think that great advice. I’m going to raise the suggestion and offer to go as well, your right, it would definitely help me too. Her response to that suggestion will also hold valuable information in respect to her willingness and drive for a healthy stable relationship.
> I’ll post in a couple of days as to her response.
> Thank you again


Good point. If she's not willing to work with you or on herself, there's nothing you can do with her, really. She has some sort of issues that need to be worked through. I don't know if they're emotional or a mental health issue, maybe something that happened even in her childhood, but she needs to start working through whatever it is. Be sure to use a real psychologist and not just a "counselor." Good luck.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

She doesn’t obviously view sex as sacred as you do, based upon her past. You didn’t know this when you started dating, so you can break up with her. You don’t have a lot invested. A partners sketchy past is a lot to get over. Especially if you believe someone’s past is a predicative model for their future.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I have a close friend who did the exact same thing before her marriage ended anyway. They had a lot of issues but they also had kids and she was the breadwinner so it was complicated for her to get out.

She says it was a band aid for what was missing in her marriage and she will never engage in that kind of thing again. She has a steady guy she's very happy with who knows all about her past and she has no interest in looking elsewhere.


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