# Am I being unreasonable?



## Hausfrau (Sep 18, 2010)

My husband travels frequently for work, often for weeks at a time. He's been all over Europe and the US, and has made several visits to Africa. At times, I have been jealous of the places he gets to see and experience, but I always try to encourage him to make the most of the experience and enjoy himself.

At the moment, he's spending 3 weeks down on the gulf coast, and circumstances allow him time to do some weekend travel and sightseeing. In discussing it, I asked him to please avoid visiting a particular city, simply because I've always been facinated by the place and I wanted us to visit it together. He never would agree, and a few days later he tells me that he (and a few other folks he's met) has planned a trip that will, indeed, include the city I asked him not to visit. He asked me not to be mad....but even though it seems kind of silly, I am mad! 

I haven't decided yet whether to let it go or say something to him. If I do, he's sure to point out how silly and unreasonable I'm being. So here's my questions: was this a reasonable request? would you honor your spouse's wishes if he/she asked you not to visit a particular place without him/her?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You indicated your husband's travel is for business purposes. He must go on these trips to earn a living and presumably, part of the way he shows love for you is by providing for you. I do understand your envy (for lack of a better word). I have traveled abroad quite a bit and each place I visited, I wished my wife were there with me. Like your husband, my travels were also for business reasons. I comforted myself by imagining that I was merely acting as a scout and I quietly vowed to myself that when circumstances permitted, I would someday return with my wife. Informed by having been there first, I would know just the right places to take her. We would really experience these sites, not as average tourists, but really experiencing the essence of these places. I would introduce my beloved to an old friend and a part of me that she hadn't been able to fully know. Like the old cowboy says in the movies, "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" and when the job says "travel", your husband's gotta go. I'm sure he misses you greatly. Please don't make it harder by laying guilt on him. Is it possible that you could accompany him on some of his business trips? If not, perhaps you could get him a small digital camcorder and have him video some of these places. When he returns, he could share the sights with you. If you know he's going someplace you want to visit, have him scout out great places he will take you when you return together.


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## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

This is a tough one for me because I tend to believe that a spouse should honor another spouse's wishes. If one spouse tells the other that something he/she does or doesn't do is very important to them, it would seem that the spouse doing it anyway is a hurtful action.

That being said, I can also see your husband's point of view. He is there and he is trying to make the best of the situation. If a bunch of people are going on a trip that would be enjoyable to him, it seems silly, in a way, for him to say no because one of the places they are going is the place you have asked him to avoid.

If I were you, I would do some soul-searching and try to decide if there is a happy medium here. Like Unbelievable said, maybe he can share his experiences with you in some way and maybe you can go back together at a later date.

Pick your battles. Is this a big enough one that you are potentially willing to get into an argument over it?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I don't know but I don't see anything wrong.
You remind me of one of my relatives.
Since she was a teen wanted that if one day she would had a son , she was going to name him Yuri. Her sister liked this name too, but she didn't name her son Yuri since was her sister's wish. Now after 8 years of trying to get pregnant she is having a baby, boy. Guess what? She doesn't want that name for her son anymore. 
In your case, you are being overacting. He went there with his friends, and not with somebody else who is in love with. You are being a little selfish. What if you change your mind and decide that you are fascinated by other places, are you going to ask your husband no to go in these places without you? Live your life, and allow others to live it the way it comes. My husband has seen to many places. Has been all around Europe, USA, and other places. Sincerely I don't think it's fair to tell my husband not to go somewhere without me, only because I like this place. I would never do that. We can't control the life of the person we love.
You can ask him to go there with him one day, but not to go there at all, without you.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Great post and questions, Hausfrau! Have experienced this same issue lately with my business travel husband and my "envy" (or sometimes jealousy) over his trips. He, too, is sometimes away for a couple of weeks for work, but his weekends are often free to explore and be a tourist. He also has become friendly with some of his foreign company counterparts over email, phone and Skype over the years, so when he gets to these countries he has "friends" who want to treat him as a guest and show him around. On his last trip he had a blast in his incredible cool, sexy, romantic foreign country -- and I was left here cleaning house and feeling incredibly lonely. I LOVE to travel and sometimes really struggle with feeling that it's "not fair" that I don't get to be there too. Really, when it comes down to it for me, it's the fact that I'm missing what I feel to be these "once in a lifetime" experiences and memories with the man that I love.

In reading your post, I've gained some insight from Unbelievable, Trakeveth and Deb* and think I need to realize that he's away for business and might as well make the best of it while he's gone. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I was traveling for business, I wouldn't want to be holed up in my hotel room on my non-work days! I'd want to see the sights. Like Unbelievable said, I'd be a "scout" for a future trip with my husband. I do travel for business, but so far only nationally, which doesn't seem as exciting as exotic, foreign destinations. And, sadly, my husband's trips take him to places that I don't think we'd ever be able to afford to travel on our own. This said, all the more reason he should have these life experiences, even if I can't be with him. I love him and want his life to be rich. I'm sure you want the same for your husband. And, regardless of if he sees these destinations on his own, it will surely be a different experience WITH YOU. I hope this is helpful -- and thank you so much once again for this post!!!


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## Hausfrau (Sep 18, 2010)

I want to thank you all for your insights. Truly, after dealing with a traveling hubby for the past 18 years, I've pretty much accepted the situation and I'm rarely upset by it. As I said before, I usually encourage him to go and have fun, and keep on playing my role: the firm foundation that keeps our family running on a day to day basis. Just this time....I guess I've had a very hard week (work and kids) and its hard to see him visiting and enjoying a place that I've dreamed of visiting with him.

Hopeful, one thing you said struck a chord with me: _"...regardless of if he sees these destinations on his own, it will surely be a different experience WITH YOU."_ That's so true, and it really helped me...so it looks like we maybe we helped each other :smthumbup:

To everyone else: your honest opinions gave me some much needed perspective. Truth be told, hubby and I have had a very difficult year relationship-wise, and I think sometimes the resentments and anger from larger issues spill over into my reactions to smaller issues. With everything else we're working through, this really is a small issue...one I think I'll just leave alone. 

Thanks again!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hausfrau,
You want to go to your special place with your husband? Plan it. Cost it. Do it. I feel pretty certain he’d like the weight off his shoulders and will thoroughly enjoy it with you.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I do like your posts Unbelievable. There's a lot of thought and experience there.

Bob



unbelievable said:


> You indicated your husband's travel is for business purposes. He must go on these trips to earn a living and presumably, part of the way he shows love for you is by providing for you. I do understand your envy (for lack of a better word). I have traveled abroad quite a bit and each place I visited, I wished my wife were there with me. Like your husband, my travels were also for business reasons. I comforted myself by imagining that I was merely acting as a scout and I quietly vowed to myself that when circumstances permitted, I would someday return with my wife. Informed by having been there first, I would know just the right places to take her. We would really experience these sites, not as average tourists, but really experiencing the essence of these places. I would introduce my beloved to an old friend and a part of me that she hadn't been able to fully know. Like the old cowboy says in the movies, "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" and when the job says "travel", your husband's gotta go. I'm sure he misses you greatly. Please don't make it harder by laying guilt on him. Is it possible that you could accompany him on some of his business trips? If not, perhaps you could get him a small digital camcorder and have him video some of these places. When he returns, he could share the sights with you. If you know he's going someplace you want to visit, have him scout out great places he will take you when you return together.


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