# Emotional relationship



## N9977 (Jun 23, 2011)

About a month ago I had a funny feeling in my gut. I started to go through husband mails and found emails that he sent to co-worker and mails she send him. There were all so nude pictures involved in these mails.
We talk it out and he swearer that it never went any further than mails and photos. I know the co-worker and she was like a friend to me. I confronted her and she told me that they only had an emotional relationship and not a physical one. 
They always say it is better to know than not to know. I know and can’t forget the pictures I saw and it hurts knowing that they did this. 
We are trying to work through it but will I ever be able to trust him completely again or will I always have this doubt in my mind – when is he going to do it again.

Any advise?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect wife? Of course not, no one is. He had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), divorce, etc. Yet he chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Woman (OW) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your husband is now a Wayward Husband (WH), so consider him as such. He will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for him, OWM provided for his needs because you couldn’t, etc.

The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with him. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives him away. Trying your best to be the best wife doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy he has built up about the OW.

Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you also need to find out is who exactly the OW is, her identity, if she’s married, and if she’s married, her Betrayed Husband’s (BHW) contact information. You will need this info later on.

We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent him from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WH, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) him, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom! 

If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords. 

Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A. 

Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). 

A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.

Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WH. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WH will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WH will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. He will try to blame you for the A, tell you he has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!

He will say that he does not know what he wants. This is called fence sitting. He wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with his OW. Do not stand for this. It is either you or her. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners. 

Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WH will usually contact the OW about what happened. The WH usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg him to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak. 

Another common tactic that the WS does is to beg and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground. 

If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc. 

If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?

Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WH will allow you to know if he has broken NC. If the OW contacts him and he doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and he is doing his part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring him since he has rebuilt some trust.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26360-betrayed-spouse-script.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26439-bill-rights-betrayed.html


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## N9977 (Jun 23, 2011)

I have proof and I know where OW lives, she is married with 3 kids and I know that she have had problems in her marraige with jealous husband on her side. I am not blaming myself for this and wondering if I could have done things defently. 

I still keeps a close eye on all his activities because trust is not there yet and I don't lnow if it ever will be there. But I still love him deeply and don't what to end our relationship rather try and fix it. We been together for almost 11 years.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Expose the affair to her husband, two sets of eyes monitoring are better than one and do not fall into the trap of implying she has problems in her marriage, no one outside their marriage knows what is happening in their relationship. 

Waywards have a habit of maintaining contact there has to be permanent no contact , one of them has to leave. It comes down to your marriage or his job. There will never be any recovery while they work together and you can never trust him while he works with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Assuming her he and his wife have a functioning relationship and this will make any difference? Sure, fire away. Why not.


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

I can almost promise you that if they are comfortable enough with sending pictures back and forth that they are doing more than just pictures... sorry to hurt your feelings but I have been where you are right now.

thats what happens.. at first they are just talking.. then the flirting starts.. then one or the other starts to test the waters with how far they can go with the other person and still keep it comfortable...

while totally forgetting about their life partner and their feelings..

Im so sorry


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sit him down and tell him that you are BOTH going to tell the OWH and BOTH of you are going to write a NC (no contact) letter, and you WILL make sure that she gets it (registered mail that she-AND ONLY SHE- must sign for).

Now see how he reacts.

If he agrees, then you should be good.

If he begs and pleads you not to tell the OWH (using excuses like "He'll hurt her" or "He'll try to hurt me", "I'll lose my job"...), then he still wants to continue the affair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Print out the emails and pictures and save 1 copy for you and send the others to her husband. Get his email or phone him to tell him. DO NOT tell your hub or her beforehand you are going to expose them cause that just gives them time to get their story straight. 

She is no "FRIEND" of yours if she's having an affair with your husband.

If you BOTH want the marriage, he has to end ALL contact with her today and never start this BS again. 

First, what do YOU want?

Well wait, FIRST, you must expose the affair STAT.



N9977 said:


> I have proof and I know where OW lives, she is married with 3 kids and I know that she have had problems in her marraige with jealous husband on her side. I am not blaming myself for this and wondering if I could have done things defently.


Well of course he's jealous -- she's a cheat. OR she just told your husband her husband is jealous so he coul dfeel sorry for her. Don't believe her. She's a liar.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

They have access to one another daily and work together? and they are sending nekkid pics to each other?.

FACT: They have had sex. I'm sorry. 

Depending on many factors, you will likely never find out the whole truth about any of it, this is an unfortuneate reality all betrayed spouses must learn to deal with and come to peace with. That is also one of the things that you have to be real with yourself about, can you live with the fact that you could never really know the whole truth? 

In "crisis" mode and when your internally compelled to "save" and "rescue" the relationship most LS's convince themselves that its something they can deal with or they think the (self protective) denial will continue forever... It won't. 

These questions will haunt you and the nagging in your soul will eventually eat through the urge to believe the lies... Come to grips with the fact that this is much worse than you think, and the likelyhood that your husband hasn't had sex with this women is virtually zero. Ask yourself is the fact that they had sex a deal breaker? I don't even want to make a clausal "if not" statement here, I can't see a situation where this hasn't happened. Sure I could get hit by lightning and win the lottery the same day, I don't know I guess anything is possible.

Seriously, step back and look at this logically. Two people that see one another daily are sending naked pictures to each other. Think that through. That involves a HIGH level of trust, someone you work with? 

They can trust each other with these pics because it's probably something they have already seen. These are two lying, cheating spouses hopped up on domapine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unfortunately for you, Pit is probably right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Even if they didn't have sex, their affair was sexual in nature.

TELL HER HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Even if they didn't have sex, their affair was sexual in nature.
> 
> TELL HER HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Absolutely agreed, spot on. Priority 1. 

Don't think this through, be talked out of, or talk yourself out of this, if you think about this too long you will analyze/justify a reason not to. 

This can not remain a secret.

Affairs are MUSHROOMS. They grow in the dark and feed on lots of bullsh*t... Turn on the lights, take away the crap and watch them shrivel and die.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Perfect analogy Pit. 

Sadly, I also agree that your H and the OW have had sex. They could have easily slipped away during business hours, left work early and still be home in time for dinner, fabricated company outings.... the options available to hide a tryst are endless. It only takes one work IM to arrange a meeting, untraceable by you and only takes a moment. If they had a business trip together, it's a slam dunk.

The OW is already a liar and probably already discussed with your H "their story" upon discovery. I'm sure they agreed to admit to an EA if discovered, but under no circumstances reveal the PA. They're keeping each other's secrets.

My H trickle truthed and lied about his affair at first, tried to sell the EA. The OW also sent pics of herself to him (he never did, was too worried about getting busted). After he finally revealed the PA portion of the affair, I checked the dates on the pics she sent him. They were sent well after their two sexual encounters. I think pics are usually late and deep into the affair. They're deep into the fog and have already gotten away with sex, so they start feeling invincible and get sloppy by creating evidence. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I think you've just started to uncover the truth. Until your H starts to open up about it, you're in danger that the affair will continue and/or he'll be susceptible to another in the future. Keep digging and don't settle for half truths and fog talk.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and just FYI: the longer you keep their affair their little secret, the longer you enable their affair.

THIS IS WHY you need to tell her husband.

Once's it's exposed: it's not a secret anymore.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

stritle said:


> jealous husband on her side?!?!?
> 
> so what happens if you expose the affair to him and he hurts her?
> what if he has problems that you don't have any clue about and he wipes out his family then himself?


I fail to see where that's the N9977's problem. 
I even warned her that her H may use these as excuses not to expose the affair.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Saffron said:


> I think pics are usually late and deep into the affair. They're deep into the fog and have already gotten away with sex, so they start feeling invincible and get sloppy by creating evidence.


:iagree:

The sexting is usually AFTER they have had sex because they are already sexually familiar with each other and have seen each others bodies. They can't get enough of each other and it feeds their sexual fantasy for their next sexual encounter. I've read about this in many other stories involving the sexting.

Sexting is definitely the Red Flag that it has already gone from an EA to a PA.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

stritle said:


> jealous husband on her side?!?!?
> 
> so what happens if you expose the affair to him and he hurts her?
> what if he has problems that you don't have any clue about and he wipes out his family then himself?


OW should have thought of that before she started f*cking another woman's husband. Besides, *that's just about what ALL OW say: They are married to a jealous, physically abusive or emotionally abusive man and they need to be rescued*. Most of the time this is pure bullsh!t.


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