# BF is LD, I am HD - very close to having affair



## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

I know cheating is wrong. Just wanted to get that out first.

In this rl for 4.5 years.
The 1st year was great, lots of sex and sexy sex.
Then, we moved in together and the sex became more infrequent.
Fast forward to now and if I don't initiate, I don't get.

I've told him time and time again, I want more- more loving, more kissing, more sexual intimacy. He hates talking about these things- it makes him very uncomfortable. He is almost on the edge of being prudish actually,, now that I think about it and me, well, I am not.

I've been sexting with my exbf - we have loads of chemistry and that rl failed bc we could not get along outside of the bedroom. It's a shame bc he is absolutely a 'Christian Grey' type of guy..... Anyways, we are hot 2gether and that fire still burns bright after 6 years. 

My current bf fulfills me in all of the other ways a rl should but I think it's just not in him 2 be über sexy - he says he is "not a dog" and he is 45 so I should give him a break- this is what happens. Meanwhile, I know plenty of men, older than him who always have sex on the brain, incl my xbf who is 50 and raring to go.

Bf works nites 4-12 & I work days so we only get quality time on wknds and he works some saturdays too so Sunday is our guaranteed day together. We are both divorced, no kids and no intention of getting married in near future BTDT. I initiate sex 1x per week. I 'tested' him last month to see how long we would go without me initiating and on the 4th week he asked me why we haven't had sex. And when we do it's quick, boring and he touches without feeling- just wants to get to the end game.

So, me and the xbf are turning each other on and have a date set to get together. I know this will be a turning point but I don't want to end my rl with bf over this 1 part of our rl. He flat out told me sex isn't everything and there are many other things that make up a rl. 

So, if I get my sexual energies out with the ex and stay in my cozy, homey, pleasant rl with my bf, will it be that bad? I don't know if I can handle the lying and deceit but the lure of the ex is very strong. Current bf will never match or come close to the xbf sexual energy, openness or desire.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Yeah its bad, its called 'cake eating'. Would your relationship with your bf continue to be 'cozy, homey, and pleasant' if he found about you and your ex? If not, then you are in the wrong here. You guys are not compatible in a way that is important to you. I get it.
I suggest you break up with him and find someone that gives you both. DO NOT CHEAT ON HIM. Why would you dishonor someone who you claim gives you so much? What kind of person would you say does something like that? Answer that question and then do the right thing... Let him go.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why not just let the guy go and find someone you are more compatible with? I mean you aren't married so I don't get it. Why stay?


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Cake eating,,, that's a new one on me....

Me & bf are compatible in all the other ways, we have fun together and enjoy our Sunday's. 

I left my 1st husband initially bc of lack of sex and as I started reading self help books, I learned that our rl just didn't have the depth I needed- it was sisterly/brotherly. And back then, I remember thinking, while married, that a boyfriend would solve my problems. Of course, I didn't do that and left the marriage instead.

This time around, I'm thinking, why not. We spend a lot of time apart anyway. I don't want to end the rl - our lives are deeply intwined, he lives in my condo, it would just be messy. I've had messy with the ex husband and that was no fun.

I am just not ready to leave.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Does you current BF know how serious you feel about the need for a change/improvement?

Have you consisered an open relationship? Just curious, I am not suggesting this.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

This is simple. He's just a boyfriend, not even a husband and you don't have kids together. Break up with him and try again with your ex. I'd even say cheating at this point isn't that bad because you're not married.

Life is too short not to have sex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't cheat. Don't be that kind of person, because if you do cheat, you do not deserve to be with your BF and your BF doesn't deserve to waste his time with out anylonger.

Stop the sexting with the exbf. You're already cheating on your BF as it is, don't go there.

If your BF isn't all you need then leave him. Be honest and tell him why you're ending the relationship, but ask him if he is willing to work on it, and you'll stay.

But above all stop your sexting cheating and do not begin cheating on the BF physically.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Adex said:


> This is simple. He's just a boyfriend, not even a husband and you don't have kids together. Break up with him and try again with your ex. I'd even say cheating at this point isn't that bad because you're not married.
> 
> Life is too short not to have sex.


It is cheating if she isn't honest and up front with the BF that she's not exclusive with him.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It is cheating if she isn't honest and up front with the BF that she's not exclusive with him.


Right, I never said it wasn't cheating. What I'm saying is, it's not as bad as cheating on a spouse. To me marriage is a stronger commitment generally made to God, not to break those vows while a gf/bf relationship is not on that level of commitment.

When I was in my early twenties, I cheated a few times on different gfs, but I was younger and to me it wasn't as bad. Since being married though, I haven't because I realized it's a greater commitment.

It would be better just to break up first though.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

At least you know this one will not cheat on you.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

I'm not sure it should be looked as a commitment thing. If you were younger just admit you didn't give a **** about them, but you know what you did was wrong. If you had been them and found out married or not how would you have felt? Probably worthless, not being married doesn't mean that emotions are not involved and things hurt any less. I speak from experience as the cheater and I was just plain dumb. My need for sex drove me out and I was a douche bag, period. I didn't even think of the other people involved, all I cared about was my satisfaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> At least you know this one will not cheat on you.


Don't bank on it! Many times, after the sex life dwindles, an affair is discovered....


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

:iagree: :iagree::iagree:

Don't count in it. It could be happening right now!


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's insight. I think I need to really THINK and figure out what I really want to do. I'm not ready to put my life in a total upheaval.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

about2cross said:


> I appreciate everyone's insight. I think I need to really *THINK* and figure out what I really want to do. *I'm not ready to put my life in a total upheaval*.


THINKING is always a good start. Especially if you are thinking of ways to get what you need without betraying someone who is undeserving of such treatment. Good luck to you with that. Just out of curiousity, what do you mean by 'total upheaval'? In other words what would you do if you _were_ ready "to put your life in total upheaval" what would that look like? Its not a bad question for you to ask yourself either.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It sounds like you're asking for permission or for a perspective that makes it okay. Well very few here will give you that.

I think LD and HD are not compatible. If you're not happy now, it will just get worse over time. I don't know why you think staying with your current BF is a good idea but life is full of tough choices. Cheating should not be an option. Only the choice to stay or break up. The smart thing to do here is just get away from your current guy and deal with whatever situation that creates.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm still waiting for my wife to cheat on me so I can have an excuse to pimp her out lol

*looks over shoulder* 
She's gonna kill me hehe xD


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Been thinking about the advice seen here and reading many many threads.

So, I see what "the fog" is that has been mentioned in threads. It is very intoxicating. 

What I need to really figure out is what I want my happily ever after to look like. I am so envious of all the sex that is going oN out there.. Some of u are going every nite - damn, that must be awesome.

Do I stay with slow and steady and calm and sacrifice an explorative sex life or go with the fire that leaves me on an emotional roller coaster.

I don't know, just talking out loud over here.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

about2cross said:


> Been thinking about the advice seen here and reading many many threads.
> 
> So, I see what "the fog" is that has been mentioned in threads. It is very intoxicating.
> 
> ...


Just don't compromise what's right for what's easy. It's easy to stay with your BF and cheat but there's consequence to this. Don't compromise your self respect or character.

I think HD and LD are hard to overcome and if you have problems already then it will get worse until you do cheat. Then you have to live with those choices.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Have you talked to your BF about this? Talk talk talk. Tell him that you're worried about the direction your mind is taking you in; I'm quite confident that most people don't really want to cheat, and 
that multiple factors lead them to do it.

My husband is LD; not that I'm anywhere near this mindset, but if I were to go to him and openly and honestly tell him that I was even entertaining the thought of cheating (for me it would be leaving, though, not cheating) becuase of such minimal sexual activity between the two of us, perhaps that would be the kick in the pants that he needed to get it in gear.

Frequency issues are the total bomb of a relationship!


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

about2cross said:


> Been thinking about the advice seen here and reading many many threads.
> 
> So, I see what "the fog" is that has been mentioned in threads. It is very intoxicating.
> 
> ...


It is called "coveting", when we look at others and wish we had what they had and some sources warn us that it is dangerous. It is up to us of course, but the problem is that the grass always looks greener, but we tend to not see the rainy days and the problems that they have. For example, they might have great sex, but other problems may arise for them which we may not currently have.

I think you hit the nail on the head in your question above. As you have a good relationship now, it is a very hard call to leave that just for more sex. Sex isn't always the glue for a good relationship and there is only so much sex before you have decide who's turn it is to wash the plates etc, so what to do? 

Do you know if it is just sex (the physical sensations) that you want or is it emotional too e.g. the feeling of being desired by more than one man, and feeling of excitement and unpredictability of flirtation?

If it is just more physical sex then there are less harmful solutions to an affair, perhaps. If it is emotional then it may require much more thought.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Someone once told me " nothing good can happen if you do that "
That was before I cheated on my wife. Wish I would have listened.

Now I am in a 3 year rl and we are not sexually on the same level. Ive tried, we cant seem to get there. I am you....she is somewhere in between your BF and me. 

I promissed myself and her I would not cheat no matter what. That if I wasnt happy I would be man enough to look her in the eye and say it and call it off. Thats where I am now.

While cheating may take care of your urges the damage internally to you and to your BF is very difficult to repair. You really dont want to look back and find that your actions, whether viewed as selfish or not, caused the break up. 

Sit him down and communicate your needs and wants. Put together some kind of escalation timetable. "Lets try this over the next month" etc. To get him engaged. If after a certain amount of time your sure he cannot meet your needs then call it off. there are plenty of men out there with HD that can fulfill that need.


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

The thing is, it is more than just sex - its the desire, the passion, the hunger - that 'pull' that makes u flirt naturally and behave sexier. 
There is definitely no desire in my current rl - no "chasing around the table" play etc. 

When we first met, I was so attracted to his soul. It was immediate. But, it was a love desire, not a sexual desire. 

We spoke a little bit this week. I took the opportunity to mention, again, that we don't have enough sex, and he said "well if that's our only problem that's not too bad, everything else is good.". He also said its my ebb and flow - i complain for awhile and then i don't. It was a phone conversation on my lunch break so I did not get into it more than that. Oh yea, and get this- he says I never should have read fifty shades of grey... He thinks these "feelings" I get are to blame on books I read - in fact he said I should stop reading romance novels .. Wtf??

Well, the ex-bf is laying low so I can think more clearly about this without the distraction of his hot sexiness and falling under his spell. 

I just know that me and bf will never have a flourishing growing exploratory sex life - we never did, it never started that way and he is much more prude than I am. I fantasize alot and I don't think he does at all. I asked him awhile bacnda hat his fantasies are and he just got squirmish. I also asked him if he masturbates to try and see if at least he is, his testosterone is there. He got very embarrassed and refused to answer me. I told him I do, which I thought would get him to answer but he did not. I was thinking well at least if he is masturbating, maybe there is a little bit of hope. I know he doesnt look at porn.

So back to square 1 again. Love or sex. I've never been this much on the fence in my life.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Good for you, breaking the ice and talking about it. So it is emotional as well. Would you be happy if he could have an alternative personality, such as a "tough guy play" or what ever it is that excites you, when it came to the bedroom/sex, and then back to the more loving when it came to every day events?

Or do you think that sexual spark (or tough guy) needs to be a part of his daily personality for the rl to work for you in the long term?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I agree with Henri. Good for you for starting the discussion.

The bad news is BF discounts your problem as minor. He said "it's not too bad then since that's the only problem". Actually HD with LD is a problem that never changes so it's huge.

It seems like you think you have to choose good sex or good love. I think you're selling yourself short if you make either of those choices without the other. I've seen plenty of girls on TAM talk about having HD how much they love hubby who also has HD. 

I bet most women with HD that marry a LD man end up cheating and then regret it and only are happy when they find someone more compatible. Remember no matter who you're with, you will wake up with yourself every morning for the rest of your life. If you make poor choices like being with LD and messing around then it'll be with you.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with the others that said it could cause problems down the road. You would be best to reevaluate the relationship. I think the fact that he shrugs off what you are saying and makes no attempt to see it from your perspective is not good.

I can see it from your perspective though in that alot of guys would love to have someone that was willing to go all the time....


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## lovedandcherished (Sep 11, 2012)

jfv said:


> THINKING is always a good start. Especially if you are thinking of ways to get what you need without betraying someone who is undeserving of such treatment. Good luck to you with that. Just out of curiousity, what do you mean by 'total upheaval'? In other words what would you do if you _were_ ready "to put your life in total upheaval" what would that look like? Its not a bad question for you to ask yourself either.


Agreed-What exactly are you looking for? Casual sex-or a fulfilling relationship? A friendship? It sounds like you and your BF are roommates that sleep with each other occasionally. Are you looking for a companion? Sexual partner? Be introspective...ask yourself what you’re looking for. Why not just be friends instead? Seriously-because you will find it EXTREMELY difficult to be faithful to your BF if your needs aren’t being met...JMHO


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Thundarr is right. I am HD and my partner is LD, the sex doesn't get better but it becomes harder to live apart. 

Try to find someone who is compatible without hurting or cheating on anyone would be the best solution. Looking into what drives you now is helpful in making better decisions in the future, so I still think you should consider exploring online and determine what it is you exactly need (if that helps).


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Ahhhh,,, so much to think about.
I really appreciate all your replies and responses - I can't really discuss these feelings with anyone in my life. Well, my 1 gf knows I am unsatisfied but I don't want to keep talking about it with her as we are all friendly.

Somewhere on this board a book was recommended - I love u but not in love w/you. It should be coming soon and maybe that will help as well.

We're best friends. And, I don't want to lose my best friend, and I don't want to hurt him either so I think I am going to shelve the cheating idea (congrats TAM, 1 less unfaithful partner thanks to u!)

I will reread the insight written again and given in the above posts and continue to soul search. Luckily for me, I have all the time in the world to do or not do anything.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Is your boyfriends LD a deal breaker? Can you live for another 5 years this way?

If you don't see yourself happy with a LD BF in another 5 years, don't waste any more time. Get out and put the pause on your ex BF date.

It will get ugly and solve nothing!


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Last nite I texted the exbf that I am not a cheater and don't want to be one. 
He texted me back 2day that he is relieved to hear that and glad I pulled the plug cause it made him uncomfortable. We texted a little bit more back and forth and now, the strange thing is, I feel so sad. Like we broke up all over again. He said when it's right, it will happen again.

I am just so surprised at the loss I feel over this - that was unexpected. I really feel like crying - and I'm not a crier! And, now i am feeling more strongly that I may want to end it with my bf.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I personally think you need to sit down and a good long think about what you are thinking. This relationshio has probably got a lot of good things going for it that could very well out weigh this one bad thing. Perhaps write them downa dn analise them and try to get some sort of realistic perspective on what's really going on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Threads like this makes me wonder why my wife hasn't cheated on me yet. Probably so she can continue to guilt-trip the fk outta me heh, maybe she doesn't want to lose that ace up her sleeve

Ne ways, the thing is, you are enjoying the benefits of being with your bf, and although he's low drive, how do you think he would feel if you do cheat - do you think you can put up with the guilt of cheating on him? It WILL haunt you, and I know that from experience.

Break it off with him, he deserves that much.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

about2cross said:


> Last nite I texted the exbf that I am not a cheater and don't want to be one.
> He texted me back 2day that he is relieved to hear that and glad I pulled the plug cause it made him uncomfortable. We texted a little bit more back and forth and now, the strange thing is, I feel so sad. Like we broke up all over again. He said when it's right, it will happen again.
> 
> I am just so surprised at the loss I feel over this - that was unexpected. I really feel like crying - and I'm not a crier! And, now i am feeling more strongly that I may want to end it with my bf.


You were a little in denial probably. Many people get into full on EA and don't know it at first. I think you should block his number from calling or sending text so you're not tempted.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Threads like this makes me wonder why my wife hasn't cheated on me yet. Probably so she can continue to guilt-trip the fk outta me heh, maybe she doesn't want to lose that ace up her sleeve
> 
> Ne ways, the thing is, you are enjoying the benefits of being with your bf, and although he's low drive, how do you think he would feel if you do cheat - do you think you can put up with the guilt of cheating on him? It WILL haunt you, and I know that from experience.
> 
> Break it off with him, he deserves that much.


I think OP is looking for excuses to give into her emotions. She's trying to rationalize why it's okay because she's HD. The fact that she was blindsided a little with a sense of loss when breaking it off shows there was some emotional connection there with the exbf and it's not just about HD/LD and sex.


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Thundarr - i hate to sound incredibly naive but if its not about hd/ld and sex, then what is it about?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

about2cross said:


> Last nite I texted the exbf that I am not a cheater and don't want to be one.
> He texted me back 2day that he is relieved to hear that and glad I pulled the plug cause it made him uncomfortable. We texted a little bit more back and forth and now, the strange thing is, I feel so sad. Like we broke up all over again. He said when it's right, it will happen again.
> 
> I am just so surprised at the loss I feel over this - that was unexpected. I really feel like crying - and I'm not a crier! And, now i am feeling more strongly that I may want to end it with my bf.


It is sad and painful, sorry to hear you are suffering. I think you did the right thing. Firstly because of the obvious, that is you are in a relationship. But also you have communicated to your ex (and the world) that you are serious and have respect for yourself and others. That will go a long way in the long term because now your ex bf knows that he could trust you (if you were to get back) and you know you can trust yourself.

It is frustrating not to have what you want, but getting what you want without cheating will greatly outweight the sadness, frurstration and pain that could lie in the future if you ever have a partner who cheats on you (or vice versa). 

I don't mean to lecture on morals, but I wanted to say I think you did the right thing and it will benefit you ten fold, although it may not feel like it today. Best of luck.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

I appreciate the question above is to Thundarr, and I look forward to Thundarr's reply. I see it coming down to emotionally needs, sex is just an expression of those emotional needs.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

about2cross said:


> Thundarr - i hate to sound incredibly naive but if its not about hd/ld and sex, then what is it about?


Sorry I can't make a more thought out response but I have to run. 

My intent was not articulated well. The root problem truly may be about HD/LD and probably is. I do personally think this is hard to overcome and as I stated in earlier post, I think you should consider that maybe you guys are not compatible at least for an exclusive relationship.

What I think in addition to that is that you have some emotional connection with your exbf (more than you were admitting) that is driving you toward compromising your character. You admitted that you were surprised by that feeling of loss when you decided not to cheat. I think you should decide to either be in your relationship or not before you complicate it with feelings or desires for any person outside of the relationship.

Again, quick response so maybe I'll edit later or delete and repost if it makes no sense.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Yep that would be bad, suck it up and leave. Your lowering dignity to get laid, just separate then get laid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

...


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Had an amazing talk/conversation with bf today and I have real hope for our future together! Being able to have such honest and open conversation made it so much easier to lay everything out on the table.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

About2cross. I know we don't know each other personally but I am so proud of you. 

You were in a scary place emotionally and you conquered your temptation. I hope you know how many people have been in your shoes and chose a different route.

I hope you and your bo can figure out how to make this work but even if you decide that you can't at least you know that you are being a good person.


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> About2cross. I know we don't know each other personally but I am so proud of you.
> 
> You were in a scary place emotionally and you conquered your temptation. I hope you know how many people have been in your shoes and chose a different route.
> 
> I hope you and your bo can figure out how to make this work but even if you decide that you can't at least you know that you are being a good person.


Awww, shucks Thundarr . That was so thoughtful and sweet of u to say - thank you! This forum has been so helpful for me and, it's also quite addictive . In all seriousness though, today's conversation never would have been possible if we didn't have the strong backbone of communication that we already had in place. It was difficult and awkward but I was like, F it, it's now or never to get all this stuff out in the open. For much of the conversation, we didn't / couldnt speak with even looking at each other but what needed to come out of our mouths did. 

So hopefully, we are now entering a new phase of our rl that will include flirting, teasing, building sexual tension and more playfulness. xo


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

Things aren't looking good. He can't seem to wrap his brain around the fact that I want to flirt, and tease and play and get some sexual tension started. He says I want things like how they were in the beginning. I'm like YES, you are right. He is not being receptive. Still says I want "movie sex" and that's not who he is........

And, he is right.. I'm trying to get him to treat me like the ex did and they are 2 different people. 

I got the 5 love languages book and flipped thru it last nite - he thinks this whole thing is ridiculous,, says do u really think we need this?
Now I have the ILYBNILWY book... Should be interesting.... I think that may be my problem.

Hope u guys arent sick of hearing from me yet.... I love the anonymity and honesty and knowledge of this forum.

Thanks.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi
It is hard to rekindle the same desire which is present at the start of a relationship. Distance can help I think, taking time apart can increase that sensation sometimes, like lovers rather than partners. Practically no one wants to go away to have to come back for sex, so I wonder if there is a way to feel more like we are dating than in a long term relationship?

Mixing with other people, going to parties or bars together where there is the potential for both of you to flirt with others might help to make the bond between you more obvious and attractive. Perhaps you might both return home and feel more passion.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

You're not married...just leave.


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## fish (Jun 12, 2011)

DH1971 said:


> You're not married...just leave.


Zackly. 

Far better to cut your ties now than after you marry. It's painful, no doubt, but far less messy than if you were married.


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## about2cross (Sep 8, 2012)

I broke up with him yesterday. It was awful. I feel terrible. 
But all the awfulness I feel is cause I know how bad I hurt him.

Since the only sadness I am feeling is how I made him feel, It makes me think I was definitely not in love with him anymore.

I told him I wasn't going to text him today cause don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have.

It hurts knowing how much I broke his heart. 

Thanks TAM for being there and all the advice.... Even though we werent married, I appreciate u letting me cope and air thoughts here.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

You did the right thing. You gave him a choice rather than cheating on him. Cheating on him if he found out would have done so much more damage to him. This was the kindest thing you could have done if you were not happy in the R.

Wishing you well.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Good choice, being dissatisfied would only hurt you both in the years to come. LD/HD is very painful and makes both feel bad.


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