# Separation



## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

I’ve finally been out of my marriage for a year. It was very toxic and emotionally abusive. I think he was a narcissist cause he could never own up to anything, consider me, so much gaslighting, manipulation, and ridicule. It was never just steady and conflict free. My self esteem is so shot and he continues to talk like I never meant anything then will love bomb. It makes me mad because I’m wondering how long it will take me to not feel pain and disappointment every single day. I wanted him to work on himself, and be a calmer more understanding person. When I realized that wouldn’t happen after setting many boundaries, I left. Im wondering who else dealt with this, and if they still felt like they couldn’t get over things for sometime. I don’t even think I miss him it’s the idea of him and the hope I had. I miss the good version of him but it came with so much bad. But I just feel stuck in awful feelings around it and am having such a hard time moving forward. Back of my head I still question if this was the right choice. Should I of been more patient and given it more time, however I didn’t want to waste more years in an unhappy marriage when nothing was changing. What helped you find clarity after a bad relationship? How did you find happiness again? And how did you learn to open up to somebody else again? The thought of trying again in even dating really scares me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

These things take time and lots of time. It was 4 years before I felt emotionally ready to even think of dating again, and even then it was just occasionally till I met my now husband 2 years later. 

From what you have said you did exactly the right thing leaving a horrible situation.
It sounds as if you still have contact. My advise would be to cut that off totally and stop letting him mess with your head.

Also some good counselling may well help.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

It seems like you have some unresolved issues going on here in which a proper therapist can address. Everybody is different in how they react to these situations, its normal to need time to recover from a bad relationship.


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## mkole3275 (May 6, 2021)

I hear you about the pain. My wife (16 yrs) asked for separation and divorce 4 months ago. Every day is worse for me instead of better, I just cannot accept this. Im doing everything I can- therapy, medication, exercise. I already had an anxiety issue, so this divorce makes it worse and I actually thought I was going to die today. All we did was communicate poor over the last year. No infidelity. No abuse. I don't know what happened to her. Just so you know, you are not alone.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You're engaging in sunk-cost thinking. It's an easy trap to fall into. Look forward, not back. You can't change the past...only the future. What you need to do is to make sure that the future is better than the past. As my friend says, FIDO...F It and Drive On.


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## mkole3275 (May 6, 2021)

Thanks. Encouraging words. So difficult though. When I run the #'s.. the future looks bleak and scary and just makes me fall apart


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

First of all , you can never try harder with a narcissist. No amount of effort on your part will ever change his way of thinking and make him understand what he has put you through.
In his eyes , he has done nothing wrong, it’s your problem.
You can’t take a joke, you’re too sensitive, you don’t know how to have fun, you take him too seriously.

It is not you, it is him. Your conversations are twisted into something totally different than you meant. Your opinions don’t matter, he will do what he wants anyway, asking you half heartedly is just obligation. No matter how you feel about what he has asked you about, he will still do what he wants without one consideration how you feel about the matter.

I lived this life for 35 years. I tried to love him harder, do more for him, make special meals , initiate sex, Spring a BJ on him at his computer all with the hopes that I was loving him more and hoped for the same in return. Nope, didn’t happen. He just expected more and more and was rarely ever reciprocal.

You will know when you can’t give anymore and have to leave, apparently you are there.
I waffled even after I left. He still treated me like I was the child and he the Father.
I left at 35 years of marriage. He never fought for me as he thought I was crying Wolf again. I had attempted to leave a few times previously, but his love bombing brought me back to the marriage.

I received some excellent counselling from a women’s shelter. They were amazing and assured me I couldn’t have done anything different, it never would have been enough for him.
They also taught me to look to the future, and that I could have a rosy one without him.
They purged the negativity from my mind and encouraged positive, self accepting thoughts.
Slowly my confidence returned and I realized I was worth more than the way I had been living. 
It was my life too. I always felt it was his life and I was just along for the ride. Not anymore.

It took me close to 18 months after leaving to see my marriage for what it was, a dictatorship and being treated less than.
After I realized it wasn’t me, I surrounded myself with good positive people that encouraged me to keep moving forward and to never look back to that dark empty hole of a life I had learned and accepted as the norm.
I had my walls up... telling myself that the barbed wire I had erected around my heart was for my own good. 
Slowly but surely I felt myself “living” again.
My confidence returned, my will to have fun without worrying what he would say barely existed anymore. I was kind and patient with myself.

I knew I was going to make it after 2 years of being away from the marriage.
Having another relationship was the last thing I wanted , so I avoided groups as much as possible.
Then out of the blue I met a man who broke down my walls with his kind, sweet demeanour even after me swearing to myself I would not get into another relationship.
My heart finally opened up after my mind telling it another relationship would just be heartache and tears.
It was the opposite ..my happiness , my smile, my positive radiant disposition returned and I embraced it.

Moral of the story.
Don’t let a man define who you are.
Stay true to yourself, and a man will enhance your life , not drag you down.
Move forward with no regrets. 
Be kind and forgive yourself... you tried your hardest, it would never have been enough.
Don’t rush into another relationship until you have found you and how you tick, only then can you open up your heart to another man.

Good luck and happy thoughts.


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