# My Story---I bet it sounds familiar



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Well, it's like this. I'm in my mid 30's, been married for 12 years and have 2 sons, 10 and 8. I love my wife. I'm not in love with her, but I love her and overall my family and life are great. We started dating almost 20 years ago.

But...."We need to talk"...yep, the words that lead to that knot in the pit of my stomach and throwing my life into a tailspin.

I hate those words. I've heard them too many times before not to know what they mean. Now, if they meant that we need to work on some stuff and everything is fine, we just need to re-focus and correct a few problems...that would be different. But everytime I have heard those words it meant disaster is at my front door. 

10 years ago, we separated for a month and she had a sexual relationship with a co-worker. We worked it out and we took a trip, got pregnant, put that stuff behind us and went on making our family. 

In 2005, she began drifting again. We nearly split up as she was just not in love we me any more. There was no infidelity that i was aware of then, she just needed some freedom and reconnected with her friends for a time. We continued to live in the same house, but there was animosity and tension for about 3 months. Here I am taking care of the kids and many of the household chores while she goes out and has fun with her friends on a regular basis. She eventually went to talk to to a lawyer to weigh her options. I think that crossing that bridge shocked her back to reality and she changed her mind and we worked through it and regained control of our relationship.

Temporarily. In 2007, she drifted again and got too close to a "friend". She admitted this to me and cut this relationship off. As soon as he was out of the picture things immediately got better. She later admitted that the relationship had been sexual (he had been going through a bitter divorce at the time). The Dr. Phil self help series of books proved to be a good resource for her and we worked on getting better as a couple.

We patched things up and things appeared to be going smoothly. I'm not perfectly happy with her...not warm and fuzzy anyway but I understand the changing dynamics of love and the transition to companionship instead of passion and fire was understandable. There are peaks and valleys. We averaged having sex maybe 2 times per month for most of our marriage...sometimes more. So, even though I have experienced valleys in my own feelings for her, my overall care and love for her and the happiness I felt for my boys and family was always top notch.

Then last week, she tells me...."We need to talk". Ughh. It seems, she loves me but she is not in love with me. She wishes that she would have went through with the the divorce several years ago. There's no fighting, no bitterness, we rarely even fuss. We have lots of independent hobbies and interests, but we also have things that we do together and family is the center of our lives. 

She mentioned seeing a marriage counselor. I said, good. I need to work through some stuff too and it's time for us to figure this thing out. Why does this pattern keep repeating itself? Why is it always her? Am I just more easily satisfied with our marriage than her? Why do I put up with this? 

She says I treat her very well and that I don't deserve what she is doing to me. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, something else is going on.

Sure enough, I checked her cell and find suspicious text messages....I just needed to hear your voice......

I ask her about it and he is just a "friend". Of course I don't buy it. Turns out, she has been leaning on this other man and sharing her troubles with him and finding comfort in him. She says, nothing sexual. She admits to several lies when she said she was at the grocery store or something of that nature over the past few weeks when she was actually at his office talking to him. As a matter of fact, when I was camping with my sons 2weeks ago, she was went with him on an overnight trip when she was supposed to be with her friends. She freely admitted that...though said it was not sexual. She knows it is inappropriate though. We have a good cry and try to figure out what's next.

She got her doctor to recommend a marriage counselor. She is going to see the therapist soon. We are going to try and see if this marriage can be salvaged and we can break the chain of discontent. 

Why am I not angry? Why am I not outraged? Why do I not throw her out? She has proven that I can't trust her. The lies and deception, infidelity. Yet, I maintain my composure. I struggle, but for my family's sake I must be the backbone to give us a chance to hold our lives together. Neither of us want to hurt our kids. It brings both of us to tears to think of damaging their emotional stability. But we won't accept going through the motions either. Even with all of the damage she has done to our marriage, I am not without fault. I have allowed us to lose that emotional connection. There are many times in our marriage that I notice my wife trying hard to be a good wife. But as soon as I feel comfortable and out of danger, I relax. I make the mistake of thinking our relationship is low maintenance and stop doing the little things necessary to keep us connected. Our marriage is high maintenance...I hope I haven't come to that realization too late. 

Despite all that I've said, there is a tremendous amount of love in our household. No fighting or shouting. We all get along great and take frequent trips and do many things together as a family. But sometimes we fail to do the little things. I tuck her in bed everynight and kiss her....maybe I should be going to bed at the same time, talking about the day, working through a relationhip book. I went on a diet ( I was not big, but 205 was more than I wanted) and we stopped eating lunch together. Just little things that feed that emotional connection...we let it slip and trouble crept in. 

But I must be strong. I guess I am pretty strong. I can hear life shattering news but my immediate thoughts are "how can we get through this in one piece" or I try to minimize the damage instead of losing my temper. We cry together and decide what to do next...for our family's sake.

We decided that she should stay at her mother's for a while until we can see what's next. Like I said, we've contacted a marriage counselor and hope she can help us. So far, the boys are fine and seem to be happy going from our house to grandma's house. We explained that mommy and daddy are trying to work through some problems, but to not worry about "DIVORCE". It is a real possibility though. Maybe I do deserve better. Maybe she cant be "fixed". Maybe the way that I see her...is not who she is in reality. I choose to see her for her best qualities and not dwell on the mistakes. The mistakes always seem like isolated incidents until you back up and look at things as a whole. 


I went this week to talk to her "friend". I ask him to cut off this relationship and allow us to work through this. I tell him she needs to see with a clear vision and not clouded judgement. He agrees. In fact, he said that he advised her to do the same thing. I acuse of sending mixed signals. He agrees. Then he says..."I never pursued her". 

I guess that means, she was the one make most of the advances. But he then said that she told him basically the same thing that I told him. Maybe she is seeing things more clearly now. Surely, without "him" in picture things will be less complicated.

Can we make it? Thoughts?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When she gets bored she gets to cheat and you quickly go into marriage repair mode. 

It is great you are so committed. If it was me - at some point earlier - worst case now - I would demand a financial agreement that defines the terms of a divorce. That means she stops accruing more benefits effective now for staying with you. A postnuptial. It removes her incentive to stay with you for the benefit of an ever larger future settlement. 

As for the little things. Sex twice a month is likely far less then you want - and yet you are critical of yourself for not doing what is needed to keep a strong emotional connection. 

So she doesn't need to make an effort but you do. If I were a woman I would want to be your wife - she has a killer deal. 

I bet she does love you. The thing is - respect is often commanded not volunteered and I am not sure either is happening here. Serial cheating is the ultimate disrespect. 

It sounds like she had never had a serious consequence to her serial cheating. She does it - you say - ok lets kiss and makeup and so on. Staying married is great - why not force the issue of passion. What is it she wants/needs to feel passionate? I am not saying it is easy to get there - it sure seems worth trying. But part of passion is fear - at least I think so. I love my wife, have the hots for her, and fear her some as well. 

If it were me I would demand a postnup - and tell her that unless she is willing to try to figure out the passion part - she is not welcome back home. Maybe she will leave you. And maybe you will need to explain to your children that some people just aren't capable of honoring their vows. 

I can't imagine being without my wife. Still I have told her on occasion that she cannot do certain things and expect to stay married and I tell her she should not want to stay married to someone who allowed themself to be treated that way. 
















GreenandBlue said:


> Well, it's like this. I'm in my mid 30's, been married for 12 years and have 2 sons, 10 and 8. I love my wife. I'm not in love with her, but I love her and overall my family and life are great. We started dating almost 20 years ago.
> 
> But...."We need to talk"...yep, the words that lead to that knot in the pit of my stomach and throwing my life into a tailspin.
> 
> ...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yeah it's like my story except we had no infidelity. My wife and I married young. She had never been on her own and never found herself. I am willing to bet your wife was the same.. Now your pattern continues cause she is torn between who she is and her responibilities. Now the guys part.. This has to do with low self esteem. My wife would regularly seek the emotional comfort from guys to help her feel better about herself. Since she has low self esteem she would use guys attention until it worn away and then she would move on. For my wife though it was just the attention of a friendship.. Though if I wasn't around and the kids weren't then she would be jumping from guy to guy and eventually realizing her issues seem to be a battle inside. I am not sure for you how to break cycle. I do know my wife has finally realized what she is doing and how wrong it is. With my support she is working through this. In other words I feel she is finally growing up.. You are really going to need professional help to get past this..


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. Thing is, I'm the dominant personality in this relationship. I control the finances. I grocery shop. I cook for my family. She does the housework. I do have control issues, but not to the point that I don't allow her to make her own decisions and have her own interests. She feels like I'm difficult to talk to too (cop out) and allows that to keep her from bringing up problems before they get too big. She says I make her feel stupid. Maybe in the past, before I learned the error of my ways I belittled her or didn't respect her feelings or told her she had no reason to feel a certain way instead of accepting her feelings. But no longer. My education background is actually in psychology and I am much better at allow her to own her feelings.

Sex has never really been an issue. We used to have sex like 2-3 times per week earlier in our marriage. Less now. When we had our last "we need to talk" discussion last week, she said that "there is something wrong when I don't want to have sex with my husband before he leaves on a trip" (I was out of town last weekend). Well, the something wrong was she was nurturing a relationship with a "friend". 

I think she knows this is her last chance to get it right. For the sake of our kids and everything we have built, we want to say that we tried everything possible...hence the counseling. If not for our boys, I think we would have been long gone. But we share all of these years and experiences and despite the mistakes, something keeps us together and fighting.

You're right, she does have a great deal. She knows as well as I do that if we split I wouldn't have much trouble finding someone else. Despite what it sounds like from my post, we've had more good times than bad. And we've perservered to this point mostly because I don't let anger control my actions. But I should be angrier than I am. I think if I were madly in love with her then I would be a mess. I'm just giving it one more shot with marriage counseling in hopes that she can figure out her issues (she does have low self esteem) and we can learn some new marriage strategies to hopefully end this pattern. She told me that she has to get some help because she doesn't want to be going through this again in two years if we don't. She says this feeling of discontent and unhappiness just creep back in and she struggles to push those feelings down in hopes that things will get better and the love will return. Thats the main issue in her mind. The fact that she turns to another man for comfort is pretty high up there in my mind.

We don't have any real money or major assets for post nup. She knows if she screws this up she'll be basically starting over or find a sugar daddy. We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood, but not much else. We are both well respected in our community and most would be shocked to know of our struggles.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't mean to change the subject, or to seem like I am justifying her actions, but I notice you say you are dominant and have had some control issues. Could this be why your wife has low self esteem?? Did you ever try to help her build it up any?? 

It would appear that she thinks she needs other men to make her feel special, but my question is why does she think she doesn't need you to make her feel special? 

Again, I am not justifying anything she has done, I just wondered. A lot of men that tell me they have control issues spent a lot of time criticizing instead of loving them, but this does not mean I think you in particular are this way. Just asking, please don't be offended!


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Good question Dawn. My control issues are less about controlling her and more about controlling my environment. Calling it "issues" was maybe a mistake on my part. I just like to have the final say so or veto power within my family....but only out of our own best interest I think. I try not to treat her like a child (though in the past she has said that I do) by having my hand on everything.

Her low self esteem started long before me. Maybe the therapist can help her understand why she turns to another man when she's in an emotional valley rather than lean on me. She says I'm difficult to talk too because she fears that I will reject her emotions. It's more of a cop-out than the truth at this point though. It doesn't justify her actions or not sharing her feelings and fears with her spouse. 

I have come to realize though that she is very high maintenance. Needs lots of praise and encouragement. Even though she has a good job, she is self conscious about not finishing college and doesn't always feel she belongs in the well to do circles that we associate with. She is a beautiful girl though and always turns heads. 

She has said on many occasions that she feels inferior to me....but also says that I MAKE her feel inferior. I'm really a self aware guy and try to make sure that I listen to her and value her opinions...but I still get the same BS. Maybe when we were younger and I was more arrogant and know-it-all those were my faults, but not any longer.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Oh how often our history with someone haunts us. Can you come to see these past choices as shared and part of your story or do you only see it as you being the good guy while she was not really there? I often wonder what the previous generation did when it hit the "I am bored" stage of marriage?

It sounds to me like you want it to work (maybe you both do) but it has become a chore. The lack of respect for her choices and your willingness to stay anyway really means that you do need to fight for it if you want to save it all. 

In my marriage, every time we hit one of these types of seasons, one of us chose to hang on long enough for the other person to come around. Lately, I have been more willing to look outside my marriage out of boredom and also out of a need for a sense of fun and adventure. Your wife is putting up a wall to emotionally distance herself from you. You also sound emotionally distanced from her. Is there something in the relationship worth fighting for? If it is just for the kids, and you both are willing to be in that type of relationship, well I guess other couples have done the same. But think how much sweeter if there is a willingness to search for each others treasures, then maybe you can find the sweet spot of a long term marriage. I wish you all the best.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks so much SFladybug. We don't want to simply go through the motions just for the kids. We want our marriage to be all it can be. I really relate to your comment "every time we hit one of these types of seasons one of us chose to hang on long enough for the other to come around ". That's what seems to happen to us. We are going great and then hit a rough patch. It sneaks in so quietly and its hard to see it coming. She told her mother last week that she had honestly worked harder on our marriage this year than she could ever remember...and still these feelings of discontent creep in. It seems that the times that she was working her hardest, I was in the doldrums and not responding. I felt like I had won, and relaxed to the point of not trying and doing the little things. I wanted to put it on auto pilot. We keep moving so much with the kids playing sports and all it is easy to neglect each other. She even urged me this summer to renew our wedding vows and wrote a beautiful letter praising me for holding our family together through our trials and being such a wonderful husband and father. I barely acknolwedged such a heart felt effort from her....one where she shared her true heart...I just wasn't in the same place and couldn't reciprocate.

Relationships are so crazy. I pursue, she withdraws. She pursues, I withdraw. She's just been the one that has made the bigger misteps to this point.

I'm not emotionally distant, but I'm not madly in love either. I'm more willing to accept the peaks and valleys in a relationship than her. We both have issues to work out if we are ever to break the chain and reach our full potential. It's worth it though. Our family is worth it. 

MEM put it well earlier. I'm in repair mode. I hit that mode so quickly that I don't even allow myself to get angry or hit the roof when i get this type of horrible news. She really must not respect me or fear me to keep putting our family in this type of situation. She is only in terror that I will use it against her if the worst case scenario happens and we divorce and I seek custody of the children. I assured her that I would never seek more than joint custody unless I felt she was unsafe...she isn't. She's a good mother. But we don't like to talk about that too much as that is a last resort.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think she could be picking up on your "I love her but I'm not in love with her" .... she knows something is missing and she starts looking for it elsewhere consciously or subconsciously I don't know (and NO it doesn't excuse the cheating). You then go into "repair mode" which provides her in some form with what she is missing so she settles back down until it goes away again. I think you guys need to go to counseling and figure out what it is she keeps going and looking for that you provide while in 'repair' mode.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

You're exactly right TNgirl. We are missing something. I'm just trying to hold on to my sanity long enough to give us an honest chance of understanding once and for all what it takes. I hope the counseling helps. she set it up, so that's good. I'm willing to lay it all on the table, so that's good too. We have a chance I think.

Today is our oldest's 10th birthday. We are taking him out to eat after football practice. Then he has a big halloween party this Saturday night to celebrate with friends. We will welcome our friends and family just like nothing is wrong and that'll hurt inside that we can put on such a good front. But we still get along great. She gave me a hug last night after my youngest's football game. There is a chance...we just need to committ to doing it the right way from here on out...she is still staying at her mothers, I"m not sure if her being out of the house is good or bad. I do know that the more I process her infidelity the angrier I get about her disprespect and putting our family in peril.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Happy birthday to your oldest!! Hitting the double digits! woo hoo.I am gonna go out on a limb here and say that if she is saying she always feels insecure and you like to make sure that you have control over environmental factors and things that are in the best interest of the family, that somewhere in the communication between the two of you signals are getting mixed up. My husband and I had a HUGE problem with this about a year ago. Our marriage counselor had us go through and talk and learn to read each others body language and understand that words aren't just words. Words can break a heart. It went BOTH ways however. I don't always talk to my husband in the best manner, but now that we have had time to reflect it has gotten tons better. Instead of rolling his eyes and asking WHY the kids need to go to the pumpkin patch instead of just getting pumpkins at the grocery store he sat down with a calendar and we both looked at what was reasonable. Do we have the time to do it together? etc. Instead of it always being an argument we both sit back and take a breath and try to think of things logically, together. 

I do think it is going to be really hard for you with your wifes history of finding someone else to confide in and I agree that saying to are too hard to talk to is BS, but in that respect, ask her if she would like to see a counselor alone before you see one together. Sometimes it isn't easy saying things in front of your husband, maybe she could use a few sessions by herself? Maybe with a woman counselor whom she thinks will understand her??


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

If you want better start it. Somebody has to make the first move for change to happen. Find out what your doing wrong and moke the changes and she will see. All it takes is one to get the ball rolling. There is a book about that saying. My wife told me when we were going through our problems she was the one that gave in. She said I am tired of making the first move so she said I'm not.. I stepped up and made important changes and she saw. Now we are working through hers..


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Dawn, she is going to see the counselor first without me. I am very anxious to be included and it's hard waiting...but I will let her work through what she needs to individually (and yes, it's a female counselor, LMFT with 20 years of marriage and couples therapy experience). But like I said, it's hard waiting because I want to be part of the solution and get the healing started between us. 

Hopefully, the process has already started in her head. From experience, I know how to carry myself in these times. I try to project the strong, confident, happy person that she fell in love with. It's not all a show, I'm that way normally anyway. When I'm around her I'm not sullen. I'm laughing and enjoying life and letting her see that I'm perfectly capable of being happy by myself. 

She comes by each afternoon to get some clothes and personal effects (she's only been staying at her moms for a few days). She has a hard time leaving, it's obvious. She always gets a hug from me and I can see the pain in her eyes---especially if the boys are staying with me. As she's leaving she sees us working on arts and crafts projects for Halloween and doing some of the things that are family tradition leading into each Halloween season. It must be hard on her. We really do a lot together as a family and I've worked hard (control!!) to establish traditions that we do year long to strengthen our bond as a family and add valuable experiences that will mean so much later on. It's beyond me how she could ever leave when we've built so much good over the years. 

Then I think, I'm such a fool for letting her have a soft place to fall when she screws up. Will she ever change if she doesn't truly fear the consequences of her actions (by the way, she says she does understand the consequences, yet...).

Crossing my fingers on the counseling. I was impressed(shocked, really) a few years ago by how much she learnd from Dr. Phil's books.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

And let me stress (I'm sure it will come out in counseling, lol) that I'm not perfect.

I can be arrogant and condescending at times. My wife really does think I make her feel stupid for feeling certain ways. Sometimes I'm dismissive when she tells me something that means something to her. She thinks I'm stingy with money. She's gets what amounts to an allowance (I hate saying it like that) each week that she can spend however she wants. Its just easier that way for me to balance the books. She uses the credit card for groceries or gas, but the allowance for anything else that is non budgeted (control!!!). I pay the credit card off each month.

Anyway, she also was trying to lose some weight (she's only 150 lbs and 5'5"). She made the mistake of asking me once for help since she often lacks the discipline to follow through. So when I see her endulging I call her on it. When she gets cookie dough and sits down to eat it with a big glass of milk, she won't even make eye contact with me because she knows what I'm thinking. She's told me this bothers her greatly, to have to sneak around in her own house as an adult to eat what she chooses. I'm trying to do better and not make an issue when she orders real Coke instead of Coke zero. Those little things stick with her and she is greatly affected by my disapproval when she lacks the discipline to eat healthy. I realize it's an issue now and I'm trying to let her do as she wishes without feeling "daddy" making her uncomfortable about what she eats.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it is fabulous that you work hard to instill some family traditions, I am the same way. Love to have annual things we do to celebrate and give the kids a sense of normality!
Nobody is perfect, god knows I'm not. Well, at time I guess I can be a perfect mess ( if that counts ) but that is as close as I get. What is going to work for you is that you can identify things that go on that you know bother her and you actively try to change them. 
I don't think there is anything wrong with having "weekly spending money" as long as it is equal. Hubby and I both have the same amount to spend on whatever we please. Now if she feels that you are being too controlling over it, then sit her down and involve her in the budgeting process. Let her help and make suggestions. Ask about your traditions and see if she would like to make any as well. It seems like she kinda gets disconnected because she doesn't FEEL like she has any say or control in anything. I am not saying this is how it is, but it maybe how she feels it is. 

As for the weight thing, I think for women ( myself included) it is hard when we have the one person that loves us more than anything criticize our weight. I have never been overweight, but my husband has made certain comments that have really hurt my feelings, mostly when I was pregnant. It is hard to forget, for some odd reason. Instead of helping her watch what she eats, think about maybe going to the gym together or having an exercise time for you two together. You can't control what she does during it, but seeing you work out might just be the push she needs for herself, to know she is not alone. 

It seems like she knows her actions have consequences but she doesn't think that you will actually act on them. She knows that you want this marriage to work, but she still finds herself making bad decisions. She will definately need a couple of sessions with the counselor by herself to help her figure out why she does those things, and I would resist the urge to ask her anything too in depth for a while. Let her think what the counselor has told her over and let her try to figure it out for herself, but do continue on as you are, doing the family things with the children and try to keep plugging along!


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

I mentioned that I faced the "friend" at his office first thing monday morning.

Good looking chap. Had a slight smile on his face when I sat down in his office. I said, "I don't know why you're smiling". He apologized and tried to look more stern, but I could see that he was one of those cats that seemed to have a perpetual grin on his face...not much he could do, lol.

Anyway, I just let him know that to give us the best shot at reconciliation, he needed to cease all contact with my wife. I mentioned that he was fortunate...were I not a level headed man I might allow my instincts make sure he understood my position. He thanked me for not getting violent and wisely kept quiet while I talked. 

Afterwards, he did email my wife and tell her I had been to see him and commented that I handled myself with respect and tact. They are no longer talking or communicating according to all parties involved (and her mother said this as well). She said my wife wants to work out issues with the therapist that go way back...likely things she has been struggling with all her life. And she understands that having another man in the picture would be counter-effective.

I feel like I've done everything well so far and things are moving in a positive direction. It's better to just dwell on the positives until the time comes. The marriage counseling will be a time to lay it all out on the table. 

I'm still conflicted inside because I want my marriage to succeed but I refuse to be a doormat any longer.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Well, it's been a week of separation. However, we've seen quite a bit of each other with out sons playing football and our 10 yr old's birthday party Saturday night. We stay in frequent contact.

But we had a talk yesterday. I let her know how conflicted I was. How, one side of my brain was angry and disrespected and not sure if she was the woman that I had lived most of my life thinking she was...maybe that was the illusion. And the other side of my brain saw the good things in her and wanted to mend our marriage. 

She said she felt in her heart that she was already gone. She said she had spoken to her counselor over the phone for 45 minutes on an initial consult and set up an office visit 2 weeks later. But she said that she was doing this more for her own benefit (to fix her) than to work on our marriage. She still maintains that she is not seeing or talking to this "friend" any longer. He was her chiropractor and she said he referred her to someone else. I saw a comment on her Facebook when she was showing me a picture that said "its funny how one doubt can break apart what was thought to be so strong".....WTF?

I've been trying to nurture the feelings of anger and disrespect in my own heart to protect me in case we don't patch things up...is that bad?

Also, I'm thinking of contacting the counselor that she is talking to and make my own appt. I had assumed that we would be going to marriage counseling together, but now that this not a sure thing maybe I should begin working with the counselor on my own until we hopefully get to the point where we can work together...is this a good idea?

I am really conflicted. My mind wavers between loving her and hurting to anger and being ready to look towards a separate future.


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