# How Long Should I Wait For My Spouse To Decide If He Wants To Stay Together After My



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Does this WW sound remorseful to you?

________________________________________________

*
How Long Should I Wait For My Spouse To Decide If He Wants To Stay Together After My Affair*

By: Katie Lersch: Most people assume that when you are dealing with an affair, it is the faithful spouse who feels the most pain. People assume that the cheating spouse is mostly fine while the faithful spouse struggles with the pain and the shock.

Although I can tell you that it is very painful to be the faithful spouse, it is not always a picnic to be the cheating spouse either. I do get correspondence from some of these folks who express heartbreaking regret and who are waiting for their spouse to decide if they are going to divorce them. They often feel very helpless. They know that they made a horrific mistake. They wish that they could change what they did, but they can’t.

And so all that they can do is watch, wait, and hope. Someone might say: “cheating on my husband is the worst thing that I have ever done. I am so ashamed of it. I would do anything to make this OK, but I can’t. I suppose I should be grateful that my husband has not written me out of his life. But he is not living with me either. He is staying with friends. I am so embarrassed that everyone knows about this. My husband says that in time, he is going to make a decision about whether or not he would ever be receptive to staying together. He says that he will let me know when he comes to that decision. It has been a couple of months now and every time I ask him about it, he says that I should not pressure him and that he will let me know when he decides. Some of my friends say that he is just stringing me along and that I should give him a deadline. They say that I am essentially putting my life on hold. They say that I should not wait forever. Are they right? How long should I wait for him to make a decision when he’s probably going to decide to divorce me anyway?”

I can’t make that decision for you. But you don’t know that he is going to divorce you. I was the faithful spouse in my own marriage. And I will admit that it took me quite a while to come to a decision about saving my marriage. I ultimately decided to do so, but I can tell you that if my husband had pressured me or given me a deadline or ultimatum, that likely would have negatively impacted my decision.

My husband was very patient and I believe that his ability to show me that he cared more about me than about a quick resolution went a long way toward making me comfortable with my decision. Plus, I wanted some time to watch his behavior to see if it appeared to be trustworthy. And I wanted to see how serious he was about being deeply involved in rehabilitation and healing.

Although he seemed very enthusiastic in the beginning, I wanted to make sure that he was in it for the long haul. So I waited. And waited some more. And he hung in there, which is a big reason why we are still together today.

No one can make this decision for you. I can’t determine how much patience you have or how important your marriage is to you. But I do know that many people do vow to wait for as long as it takes because they know that their actions are the cause for the waiting. If no one had cheated, then no one would be waiting.

It may help to try to see if your husband will interact with you, at least some, while you are waiting. Perhaps you can begin counseling on your own and then update him on your progress. If he sees that you are actively trying to work through what may have contributed to the affair, he may be more receptive to trying to work things out.

Regardless, it does just take some time. Having your spouse cheat is very painful and it can take some time to sort through your feelings and determine what direction you want to take. But I can tell you that while you are going through this process, you are often watching your spouse very closely for signs that they still love you and are still serious about making things work. If the cheating spouse seems like they are losing patience and are more worried about their own time frame than anyone else’s, this may cause some doubts.

I think that if you are still interested in your marriage and in reconciling, you have to be prepared to be patient and loving. Your spouse is likely looking for these behaviors so that he can be comfortable with any decision to try and work things out.

My husband’s patience meant a great deal to me when I was trying to make a decision about our marriage. I have never regretted giving him one more chance. You can read more about that process on my blog at surviving-the-affair.com


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Not very remorseful, in fact I believe her selfishness is increasing by waiting for her husband. Almost as if she is saying the best years of her life are passing her by as she waits. She has no clue what she has done, she's getting an ounce of consequence and no longer wants to wait. Quite sad that people have no idea how harmful an affair can be. 

To add insult she is embarrassed that everyone knows about this. More thinking of herself, how terribly embarrassing for her, I think this shows the husband all he needs to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Not very remorseful, in fact I believe her selfishness is increasing by waiting for her husband. Almost as if she is saying the best years of her life are passing her by as she waits. She has no clue what she has done, she's getting an ounce of consequence and no longer wants to wait. Quite sad that people have no idea how harmful an affair can be.
> 
> To add insult she is embarrassed that everyone knows about this. More thinking of herself, how terribly embarrassing for her, I think this shows the husband all he needs to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly - everything is about her from the affair to the timeline for R or D - its about her and how she feels.....


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I would say she’s not remorseful. Simple answer of how long do you wait? However long it takes! I’ve told my husband I will wait for him. 

Now, unfortunately, I suppose that there may come a time where it’s just hopeless. I would suppose that anyone may think after a LONG period of time, they just don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t think that means they aren’t remorseful, so much as they just give up. Of course, this isn’t 2-3 months, but maybe more like 2-3 years.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I would say she’s not remorseful. Simple answer of how long do you wait? However long it takes! I’ve told my husband I will wait for him.
> 
> Now, unfortunately, I suppose that there may come a time where it’s just hopeless. I would suppose that anyone may think after a LONG period of time, they just don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t think that means they aren’t remorseful, so much as they just give up. Of course, this isn’t 2-3 months, but maybe more like 2-3 years.


I would understand fear about the future coming from the WW in the article but she is expressing something different - impatience and a bit of resentment that everyone knows she cheated. Her friends dont sound helpful either do they? Suggesting she is just stringing them along...

I do understand moving on after along period of time but the tone of the article makes it seem to me like it has not been that long.. 

also notice there is no mention of how she is working on herself while she is waiting for her husband...it could have been left out..but it is interesting that she mentions doing nothing constructive with her time...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I would understand fear about the future coming from the WW in the article but she is expressing something different - impatience and a bit of resentment that everyone knows she cheated. Her friends dont sound helpful either do they? Suggesting she is just stringing them along...
> 
> I do understand moving on after along period of time but the tone of the article makes it seem to me like it has not been that long..
> 
> also notice there is no mention of how she is working on herself while she is waiting for her husband...it could have been left out..but it is interesting that she mentions doing nothing constructive with her time...


I agree with everything you’ve said. 

Like I’ve said, I will wait for my husband. My thought is “however long it takes”. I think the only thing that would make me decide NOT to wait is if he started dating someone else. That would be a key indicator to me that it’s hopeless. That’s not to say I would jump right into dating someone myself, but more that that would be the only thing that could make me potentially finally understand that I didn’t have any chance. 

As far as everyone knowing she cheated, I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t thankful my husband doesn’t want to tell everyone. Because it IS embarrassing. But the difference is, if he wanted to tell anyone and everyone, I would understand and I wouldn’t be angry. There are parts of me that somewhat wish he would tell people, because I know that once my separation gets out, there are people that are going to think it’s all his fault. I’ve always been very vocal in my adoration of my husband so there will be people that are going to think it’s somehow his fault given that. I don’t want him to suffer further by someone asking him what HE did wrong. The few people that do know about my impending separation have just been told that things aren’t working out and that it is because of how I was as a wife and that it IS my fault, just not the details of HOW it is my fault. I would tell people what I did, but since HE doesn’t want people to know, I’m trying to respect that. If he does decide to tell people, I respect that. 

She does seem quite impatient. It COULD just be that she’s wishing very hard that he will just come back and say he’ll work on it. But more likely it’s just that she wants it on her timeline. She’s just ready to move on, so she thinks he should be ready to move on too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm of two minds.

On the one hand, the betrayed spouse needs to take as long as they need to heal and come to a decision.

However, it isn't exactly compassionate to string the other person along forever. Or themselves, for that matter.

I would say something like 3-6 months to declare an intention to either try to reconcile, or move ahead with a divorce. It doesn't mean that the betrayed spouse needs to commit to a reconciliation, just declare their intention to try.

Keeping two lives on hold forever doesn't make sense. And I can't imagine it taking longer than 6 months to decide if you want to try, or not.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

sounds like we should refer her to the "exposure" thread. She'd feel right at how.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> I'm of two minds.
> 
> On the one hand, the betrayed spouse needs to take as long as they need to heal and come to a decision.
> 
> ...


I agree that limbo is not healthy ESPECIALLY for the BS..but the WS in this case seems to be of the mind that any waiting at all is some form of punishment. 

As to stringing the WS along - well I think many people are frozen with indecision in the face of such a life altering event - I think its more paralysis than stringing along....I've read many, many threads elsewhere in which the BS is still questioning their decision to stay YEARS later. I think once infidelity occurs the BS will feel some level of discomfort with either choice - its more like pick wich discomfort you can stand.

The one part of the WW in this case that really annoys me is her being embarrassed everyone knows - um ok - well do you think your H is exactly proud his wife went out and [email protected]#$%^ another man? She does not seem capable of seeing the situation from her H's persp[ective at this stage does she?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I agree with everything you’ve said.
> 
> Like I’ve said, I will wait for my husband. My thought is “however long it takes”. I think the only thing that would make me decide NOT to wait is if he started dating someone else. That would be a key indicator to me that it’s hopeless. That’s not to say I would jump right into dating someone myself, but more that that would be the only thing that could make me potentially finally understand that I didn’t have any chance.
> 
> ...



Aree 100% - the WW in this case wants one giant rugsweep..and is not getting it so far.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I didn't see any mention of how long the bs waited to have a normal marriage while the wife was out fuc/ing another man and not looking after her husband's needs. 
Maybe jld could enlighten me. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I agree that limbo is not healthy ESPECIALLY for the BS..but the WS in this case seems to be of the mind that any waiting at all is some form of punishment.
> 
> As to stringing the WS along - well I think many people are frozen with indecision in the face of such a life altering event - I think its more paralysis than stringing along....I've read many, many threads elsewhere in which the BS is still questioning their decision to stay YEARS later. I think once infidelity occurs the BS will feel some level of discomfort with either choice - its more like pick wich discomfort you can stand.
> 
> The one part of the WW in this case that really annoys me is her being embarrassed everyone knows - um ok - well do you think your H is exactly proud his wife went out and [email protected]#$%^ another man? She does not seem capable of seeing the situation from her H's persp[ective at this stage does she?


It's not healthy for either party and I do feel the longer it goes on the more hurt the bs feels. Indecision does play a large role no doubt about it but I think people need to realize it's not R or D. 

I've read and talked to many over the years where they say "we are reconciling" and that's not really true, your giving yourselves the opportunity to try and that's it. Just because you try doesn't mean D is off the table. 

I do think the quicker the decision is made the better to either get a start at trying to rebuild a marriage or go separate ways. Spending months with neither party really doing anything just builds resentment and a longer healing process in the end in my opinion.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL. Toxic friends if I ever heard of any. I'd love to know how many are men, sniffing around a possible soon to be single vagina.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If it's the "wayward" who is waiting, and greatly provided that they are quite serious regarding R, then they should wait however long it takes!

If it's the "betrayed," however, then their decision timeframe can be situated anywhere from instantaneously to somewhere just this side of infinity!

But with the R process having a very high price tag attached to it, most don't want to have to pay that extremely high price! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It depends. 

How long was the affair? Who was the AP? Was AP known to BS? How did the BS find out about the affair?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

honcho said:


> It's not healthy for either party and I do feel the longer it goes on the more hurt the bs feels. Indecision does play a large role no doubt about it but I think people need to realize it's not R or D.
> 
> I've read and talked to many over the years where they say "we are reconciling" and that's not really true, your giving yourselves the opportunity to try and that's it. Just because you try doesn't mean D is off the table.
> 
> *I do think the quicker the decision is made the better to either get a start at trying to rebuild a marriage or go separate ways. Spending months with neither party really doing anything just builds resentment and a longer healing process in the end in my opinion.*


I think it also depends on the psychological makeup of the BS - some are so flattened by the betrayal they can't do anything for a very long time. I read a story elsewhere where the BH's wife had a 3 month affair and he has been as he puts it "dead from the waste down" for 5 months since finding out about the affair - no HB just impotence. He is trying to reconcile but from the sounds of it he is in limbo living at home - even though he didnt move out - he hasnt really been able to do anything to repair the marriage yet. Is that really choosing or just hanging on?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *If it's the "wayward" who is waiting, and greatly provided that they are quite serious regarding R, then they should wait however long it takes!
> 
> If it's the "betrayed," however, then their decision timeframe can be situated anywhere from instantaneously to somewhere just this side of infinity!
> 
> ...


Agreed - R does have a high price but so does D. I've read threads where the BS is having self-respect issues from staying with a cheating spouse. In my experience the chances of putting together the marriage back at 100% once infidelity occurs is VERY rare - can it happen sure - but so can winning the lottery. What waywards fail to understand in most cases is they have altered their BS forever - some BSs get stronger, some get bitter, some collapse but it does change the BS permanently. 

So even if one does decide to R or D - the scars are there for a lifetime either way.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Agreed - R does have a high price but so does D. I've read threads where the BS is having self-respect issues from staying with a cheating spouse. In my experience the chances of putting together the marriage back at 100% once infidelity occurs is VERY rare - can it happen sure - but so can winning the lottery. What waywards fail to understand in most cases is they have altered their BS forever - some BSs get stronger, some get bitter, some collapse but it does change the BS permanently.
> 
> So even if one does decide to R or D - the scars are there for a lifetime either way.


Yes, this. And clearly this WS hasn't comprehended or acknowledged that. While I get that a wandering spouse has pain and suffers too, from guilt and regret, they don't do themselves the same kind of damage that they do to those in their orbit.

My h should know this; he was cheated on by his first wife, more than once. Smdh.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> *Yes, this. And clearly this WS hasn't comprehended or acknowledged that. While I get that a wandering spouse has pain and suffers too, from guilt and regret, they don't do themselves the same kind of damage that they do to those in their orbit.*
> .


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I really liked the writers answer. 

As to to her: ______________


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Agreed - R does have a high price but so does D. I've read threads where the BS is having self-respect issues from staying with a cheating spouse. In my experience the chances of putting together the marriage back at 100% once infidelity occurs is VERY rare - can it happen sure - but so can winning the lottery. What waywards fail to understand in most cases is they have altered their BS forever - some BSs get stronger, some get bitter, some collapse but it does change the BS permanently.
> 
> So even if one does decide to R or D - the scars are there for a lifetime either way.


Seeing the change in my husband is what made me finally really accept that I have to leave. My husband is a man of few words, doesn't show it talk about his feelings, but sometimes actions are enough. 

He's not as quick to smile, there rarely any laughing. He's quick to anger, won't look at me most times. I don't know exactly HOW it's changed him, I can just see that it has.

The day I accepted that I had to leave, I was walking through the hallway, we have a bunch of collage picture frames hanging. My eyes were drawn to a particular picture, taken on the beach at Lake Erie, right after we had our daughter, maybe 3 months. Him and I sitting on a piece of driftwood. His smile is huge. His eyes are just lit up. He was so full of life then. 

And now it's this dead empty stare most of the time. 

That realization is when I finally knew I had to go, I changed him. I took away his smile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> Seeing the change in my husband is what made me finally really accept that I have to leave. My husband is a man of few words, doesn't show it talk about his feelings, but sometimes actions are enough.
> 
> He's not as quick to smile, there rarely any laughing. He's quick to anger, won't look at me most times. I don't know exactly HOW it's changed him, I can just see that it has.
> 
> ...


You leaving wont bring his smile back..unfortunately. I commend you for realzing this but R or D he is a changed man.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

And she says her "friends" are telling her that she is basically wasting her life waiting.

Probably the same friends who encouraged and enabled the affair.

Not the best batch of buddies to take advice from.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> Seeing the change in my husband is what made me finally really accept that I have to leave. My husband is a man of few words, doesn't show it talk about his feelings, but sometimes actions are enough.
> 
> He's not as quick to smile, there rarely any laughing. He's quick to anger, won't look at me most times. I don't know exactly HOW it's changed him, I can just see that it has.
> 
> ...




Losinghim

You are a very rare person, you understand what your actions have caused. Read some of your first posts again, I said you weren't remorseful, you didn't get angry in your responses. Not to say you probably were angry, but your mindset was to LEARN, and you have excelled. I think your husband is letting the best person go, and in my opinion it's wrong, but you understand. I know if you received that second chance you would flourish as a wife and lady. Many may argue that you cheated, you're getting the consequence of cheating, but many times the punishment doesn't fit the person. 

Losinghim, I hope you send a PM to someone, someone who may be able to help guide you. Her name here is Tears, they got divorced but I believe her and her exhaust and are dating again. I know you love your husband, and you want to be with him, so contact Tears in the hopes she responds. My wife sounds so much like you, doing everything right, not knowing what the future holds. But my wife won't give up, she started heavy lifting and she has shocked me, I felt my best chances of being happy we're to remain in the marriage. I've been knocked down, gotten up and knocked down again, but neither of us has quit. Sometimes good people mak a terrible choice, punishment should not be the rest of their natural life, instead we should show sympathy and empathy to those who give it their all and understand what they've done. It doesn't make reconciliation easier, but it wouldn't make divorce easier either. 

Read your early posts Losinghim, see how far you have come, know that your next relationship will be that much greater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Losinghim
> 
> You are a very rare person, you understand what your actions have caused. Read some of your first posts again, I said you weren't remorseful, you didn't get angry in your responses. Not to say you probably were angry, but your mindset was to LEARN, and you have excelled. I think your husband is letting the best person go, and in my opinion it's wrong, but you understand. I know if you received that second chance you would flourish as a wife and lady. Many may argue that you cheated, you're getting the consequence of cheating, but many times the punishment doesn't fit the person.
> 
> ...


Love this post..Tears and I believe LosingHim had ONSs (am I wrong about that LH?) In my opinion I think a ONS <LTA. I know people will jump all over me saying to me cheating is cheating and yes for some its a deal breaker but in my book a ONS combined with a remorseful spouse should give the BS the incentive to think long and hard about R...just my opinion...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Love this post..Tears and I believe LosingHim had ONSs (am I wrong about that LH?) In my opinion I think a ONS <LTA. I know people will jump all over me saying to me cheating is cheating and yes for some its a deal breaker but in my book a ONS combined with a remorseful spouse should give the BS the incentive to think long and hard about R...just my opinion...




There are so many qualities Tears has that I thought were incredible, her strength yet completely tender and sympathetic, her intelligence, her compassion, her understanding of the consequences, her tenacity to never give up and atone for her actions. I first came to TAM and read many threads, hers stuck out to me, her pain incredibly palpable, you couldn't help but not want to just reach out and give her a hug. I hope she is doing well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Exactly - everything is about her from the affair to the timeline for R or D - its about her and how she feels.....


Well, it looks like this WW was trying to figure out what to do with her life, wait or move on. Since the letter is written from her pov, of course it's all about how she feels. It's her trying to decide to wait or move on based on how she feels about her situation. Her H doesn't seem to be giving much input.



Truthseeker1 said:


> Aree 100% - the WW in this case wants one giant rugsweep..and is not getting it so far.


Hard to say for reasons above, but I do think there is some rug sweeping simply because they are in limbo. He left the house. She isn't seeing what he goes through on a daily basis. How can she really get it if she isn't seeing the very real effects her behavior had on her H? Living separately, she doesn't have to see the tears, the sleeplessness, the hurt on his face and in his eyes. 



TDSC60 said:


> And she says her "friends" are telling her that she is basically wasting her life waiting.
> 
> Probably the same friends who encouraged and enabled the affair.
> 
> Not the best batch of buddies to take advice from.


Not necessarily. It's a head vs heart thing. Romantically, wait as long as it takes sounds wonderful. Realistically, there is no guarantee of reconciliation and eventually one must move on.

While she may want to sincerely repair her marriage, she may also not be willing to sacrifice the rest of her life on a small chance to do so.

Say the WW is 32 and would like to have children. Her clock is ticking. She has limited time to date, meet a new partner, discern commitment with said new partner, marry/move in together, and then try to conceive, carry, and give birth. If she wants more than one child, she'd also have to account for recovery from that birth, trying to conceive again, and carrying the pregnancy. 

As you can see, she can't afford to wait around a year or two while her H lives elsewhere and won't commit to either making the marriage work or divorcing.

Say the WW got an amazing job offer far away. The WW really wants to take that job, but knows the BS doesn't want to move and is willing to turn the job down. However, if they aren't going to reconcile, WW has no reason to turn down an amazing opportunity and every reason to take it. WW has 3 more wees to make a decision or lose the job.

There are definitely cases where a WS can legitimately say "It's time for you to make a choice." to a BS.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TeddieG said:


> Yes, this. And clearly this WS hasn't comprehended or acknowledged that. *While I get that a wandering spouse has pain and suffers too, from guilt and regret, they don't do themselves the same kind of damage that they do to those in their orbit.*


*It wouldn't necessarily have anything to do with the rather compelling fact that they just don't care, would it?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Well, it looks like this WW was trying to figure out what to do with her life, wait or move on. Since the letter is written from her pov, of course it's all about how she feels. It's her trying to decide to wait or move on based on how she feels about her situation. Her H doesn't seem to be giving much input.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your post was 100% from her perspective - dealing solely with how she might feel waiting - well she made the choice to cheat and all the ramifications that go with it...I have zero sympathy for her impatience - she just destroyed another human being - who cares about her life goals at the moment...


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> sounds like we should refer her to the "exposure" thread. She'd feel right at how.


You beat me to it Pluto. I'm glad I read the comments before posting.

It sounds like this gal has some toxic friends, if they're advising she D after a month or two. She should stop spending time with them and work on showing her BH she is going to be a better W. I'll agree with Marduk though, 6 months should probably be a good limit. It's wrong to string someone along.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> You beat me to it Pluto. I'm glad I read the comments before posting.
> 
> It sounds like this gal has some toxic friends, if they're advising she D after a month or two. She should stop spending time with them and work on showing her BH she is going to be a better W. I'll agree with Marduk though, 6 months should probably be a good limit. It's wrong to string someone along.


I think timelines are tough in cases of infidelity - not all BSs are equipped to handle things in a timely fashion - however - limbo is unhealthy for the BS and they must work to get out of it ASAP.

I read one case where the H left 8 years later saying he just couldnt get over it - and one posters commented that he hadn't been in R for 8 years but in reality was in limbo. that is one long limbo. I think the BS needs to make a conscious effort employing whatever means they need to get out of limbo for their own mental health.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I think timelines are tough in cases of infidelity - not all BSs are equipped to handle things in a timely fashion - however - limbo is unhealthy for the BS and they must work to get out of it ASAP.
> 
> I read one case where the H left 8 years later saying he just couldnt get over it - and one posters commented that he hadn't been in R for 8 years but in reality was in limbo. that is one long limbo. I think the BS needs to make a conscious effort employing whatever means they need to get out of limbo for their own mental health.


I think what Marduk and I both mean, is that the BS needs to make a decision: Am I going to try to make this work, or D?

It sounds like the H you describe made a decision to try, and couldn't. I actually think 8 years is waaaaay too long to leave over it, but that's a personal feeling, nothing concrete or factual. I'd say that if you've decided to stay, and they aren't screwing up, after a year or 2 you've lost the casus beli, but that's just me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

There is no "timely fashion" because each situation is different. She never explained the situation, but tried to equate her pain with his pain. We don't know if it was a best friend, another woman, a guy she flaunted around in his face, time frame etc etc etc. As we see on these threads, many waywards do not understand trickle truth is a reset button. So, if we are weeks into reconciliation and you get caught in a lie, the timer goes back to zero.

I agree eight years appears to long, but we have a thread where dude is going on three and he is still blaming the other man. So, he is caught up in the blame game and limbo instead of ending the marriage.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> I think what Marduk and I both mean, is that the BS needs to make a decision: Am I going to try to make this work, or D?
> 
> It sounds like the H you describe made a decision to try, and couldn't. I actually think 8 years is waaaaay too long to leave over it, but that's a personal feeling, nothing concrete or factual. I'd say that if you've decided to stay, and they aren't screwing up, after a year or 2 you've lost the casus beli, but that's just me.


I see what you are saying but people process this stuff differently - some never even deal with it at all and live miserable lives.

In the case I described - his X-WW was posting and she was in shock and depressed. When you cheat you go down a path that is fraught with danger and uncertainty...


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *It wouldn't necessarily have anything to do with the rather compelling fact that they just don't care, would it?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Arbi, not only do I think at the time they are engaging in the affair, they don't care, but what interests me is how long the WS continues to believe that all the reasons, all the circumstances, of the marriage, justified their affair or at least led up to it. I'm reading this post that Truthseeker1 found as someone anxious to put the cheating and betrayal behind them. Funny how once the WS makes up his or her mind to cheat, they do it, and then when they make up their mind they want to come back to the marriage, some seem to want that to happen instantly. And it is such a long haul of recovery for the BS.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> Arbi, not only do I think at the time they are engaging in the affair, they don't care, but what interests me is how long the WS continues to believe that all the reasons, all the circumstances, of the marriage, justified their affair or at least led up to it. I'm reading this post that Truthseeker1 found as someone anxious to put the cheating and betrayal behind them. * Funny how once the WS makes up his or her mind to cheat, they do it, and then when they make up their mind they want to come back to the marriage, some seem to want that to happen instantly. And it is such a long haul of recovery for the BS.*


Bingo!! Some WSs want it all to happen on their timeline - lets be honest for a moment shall we - cheaters had a blast during their affair and when caught want to get away with it - its all about them...some do find true remorse but many more don't...


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I see what you are saying but people process this stuff differently - some never even deal with it at all and live miserable lives.
> 
> In the case I described - his X-WW was posting and she was in shock and depressed. When you cheat you go down a path that is fraught with danger and uncertainty...


After 8 years, I'd think she should be shocked and depressed, if she had done everything she can to show her H how sorry she was and had been a great wife for those 8 years.

I understand the H's position. I just think it's wrong to do that after 8 years--on a personal level. 

Sadly, some people never heal at all. Sometimes, wounds can't be healed short of cauterization


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It's the hypocrisy of an affair. Minus an ONS, it is funny how it takes months or even years for an affair to occur, but a betrayed can't take the same amount of time to decide if they really want to reconcile.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> After 8 years, I'd think she should be shocked and depressed, if she had done everything she can to show her H how sorry she was and had been a great wife for those 8 years.
> 
> I understand the H's position. I just think it's wrong to do that after 8 years--on a personal level.
> 
> *Sadly, some people never heal at all. Sometimes, wounds can't be healed short of cauterization*


This! some people simple lack the coping skills to deal with trauma (any trauma) in a manner that leads to some form of healing - many leave the wound open for life. 

I did feel a bit for the wife - who proclaimed she had done all she could for 8 years - but she inflicted such a trauma on her H that things became unstable and unraveled in super slow motion. I mean the H owed it to HIMSELF to heal and move on either way...we get one life to live....and should not let others dictate the quality of that life (I know easier said than done)


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It's the hypocrisy of an affair. Minus an ONS, it is funny how it takes months or even years for an affair to occur, but a betrayed can't take the same amount of time to decide if they really want to reconcile.


You should read waywards on other sites - declaring how the BS needs to watch their behavior during R and calling BSs all kinds of nasty names who dare get royally p*ssed off at their spouse for cheating- I read one comment where they said the H was a meanie for exposing his WW to her boss - he was the meanie SMH - some waywards have no shame in regards to their hypocrisy..


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> You should read waywards on other sites - declaring how the BS needs to watch their behavior during R and calling BSs all kinds of nasty names who dare get royally p*ssed off at their spouse for cheating- I read one comment where they said the H was a meanie for exposing his WW to her boss - he was the meanie SMH - some waywards have no shame in regards to their hypocrisy..


Lol, no thank you. One of the things I like about TAM is that they don't promote that stuff. I'm glad this was the first site I came to for help; and ended up being the only one.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TeddieG said:


> Arbi, not only do I think at the time they are engaging in the affair, they don't care, but what interests me is how long the WS continues to believe that all the reasons, all the circumstances, of the marriage, justified their affair or at least led up to it. I'm reading this post that Truthseeker1 found as someone anxious to put the cheating and betrayal behind them. Funny how once the WS makes up his or her mind to cheat, they do it, and then when they make up their mind they want to come back to the marriage, some seem to want that to happen instantly. And it is such a long haul of recovery for the BS.


*Totally agreed! That's exactly why the cheater makes the unilateral decision to covertly stray, at which time, they are now placing their WS into "Plan B" status; unilaterally or bilaterally acts on those sordid impulses; and then stays as quiet as they possibly can about their newfounded illicit exploits; and then prays like hell that their W doesn't find out about anything about their episodes of infidelity until they are prepared for them to!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Lol, no thank you. One of the things I like about TAM is that they don't promote that stuff. I'm glad this was the first site I came to for help; and ended up being the only one.


The site I'm thinking of - was founded by a wife who cheated on her H - and there are a bunch of angry waywards who post there (they are allowed their safe space to go unchallenged SMH) - the scary part is many are in some form of R - the one thing it does do besides raise your blood pressure is to give you a glimpse into the minds of some waywards when they are unguarded and it is not pretty...they basically hate any BS who fights back just as dirty as their WS..what I love about their hypocrisy is they expect a level of behavior from their Bs that they themselves didn't exhibit...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Naw, this website irritates me enough, but tends to be balanced despite the protestations of gender bias and camps. I tried reading a few other places and was too disgusted to continue.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Naw, this website irritates me enough, but tends to be balanced despite the protestations of gender bias and camps. I tried reading a few other places and was too disgusted to continue.


:grin2: This place is very balanced and helpful..I have to admit it is irritating to read WSs whining about their lives like the WW in the article above - all the wounds they complain about are self-inflicted...

I just wish once a wayward who had an affair would say I did it and it was fun and pleasurable so I kept doing it- I liked having sex with my AP - when they downplay the pleasure they got form the affair my bullsh!t detector goes up....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Totally agreed! That's exactly why the cheater makes the unilateral decision to covertly stray, at which time, they are now placing their WS into "Plan B" status; unilaterally or bilaterally acts on those sordid impulses; and then stays as quiet as they possibly can about their newfounded illicit exploits; and then prays like hell that their W doesn't find out about anything about their episodes of infidelity until they are prepared for them to!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also when the WS gets caught and offers a "hall pass" to even things up - my question for the WS is why does your BS need your permission to [email protected]#$ someone else - after all you didn't ask permission to [email protected]#$ your affair partner did you? A "hall pass" doesn't even things up at all...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Also when the WS gets caught and offers a "hall pass" to even things up - my question for the WS is why does your BS need your permission to [email protected]#$ someone else - after all you didn't ask permission to [email protected]#$ your affair partner did you? A "hall pass" doesn't even things up at all...


*Ain't it rather convenient that when caught with their "pants down" literally around their ankles, the WS's instantaneous issuance of that hallowed "hall pass" to their betrayed, systematically reverts to the age old analogy, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Ain't it rather convenient that when caught with their "pants down" literally around their ankles, the WS's instantaneous issuance of that hallowed "hall pass" to their betrayed, systematically reverts to the age old analogy, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!"*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never understood how the "hall pass' evened things up - since the initial affair is about betrayal, lying, shock, etc - a hall pass is none of those things...plus who is the WS to dispense with that kind of permission anyway?

Now I did read elsewhere in a WWs post her husband had an RA with her best friend - boy did that ring her bell - now that is evening the score. lol


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The site I'm thinking of - was founded by a wife who cheated on her H - and there are a bunch of angry waywards who post there (they are allowed their safe space to go unchallenged SMH) - the scary part is many are in some form of R - the one thing it does do besides raise your blood pressure is to give you a glimpse into the minds of some waywards when they are unguarded and it is not pretty...they basically hate any BS who fights back just as dirty as their WS..what I love about their hypocrisy is they expect a level of behavior from their Bs that they themselves didn't exhibit...


It is natural for all people to want to view themselves as righteous, as good. Because of this, it seems natural to me that they would do this; they don't view themselves objectively, so they do not see their wrong in its totality. 

Wrong reasoning is still wrong. When you've treated others with deceit and treachery, you must anticipate that you will be met with harsh tactics in return. 

As to the whole "hall pass" mentality, I completely agree. You've already destroyed the vows, to expect the BS to need your permission for anything is lunacy. I think, when we look at what is going on though, we will find that this is just another part of human nature: the wayward is looking to maintain a semblance of control, because now that they have been caught, they feel their power slipping away rapidly. The act of "granting permission" makes them feel as though they are still in control. At least, that's my guess.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hall Pass is a trap. It is a simple way for the wayward to say "gotcha, see how easy it is to cheat." What's funny is, the few Hall Pass threads we have always end badly and the wayward who issued one loses their mind.

Unless you are in an open marriage, you are still breaking vows and cheating you just have permission.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Hall Pass is a trap. It is a simple way for the wayward to say "gotcha, see how easy it is to cheat." What's funny is, the few Hall Pass threads we have always end badly and the wayward who issued one loses their mind.
> 
> Unless you are in an open marriage, you are still breaking vows and cheating you just have permission.


The BS should toss the hall pass back in their face - if they are going to have an RA - they should do it on their terms not the waywards terms.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I never understood how the "hall pass' evened things up - since the initial affair is about betrayal, lying, shock, etc - a hall pass is none of those things...plus who is the WS to dispense with that kind of permission anyway?
> 
> Now I did read elsewhere in a WWs post her husband had an RA with her best friend - boy did that ring her bell - now that is evening the score. lol


*Only the cheater can understand the true rationale and logic of a "hall pass!"

Now an RA? Makes you just ponder exactly how low can one go?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Only the cheater can understand the true rationale and logic of a "hall pass!"
> 
> Now an RA? Makes you just ponder exactly how low can one go?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I also wonder what % of cheaters would actually forgive an RA...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Kinda sickening. No remorse at all. She thnks it's all about her and her feelings, who gives a damn about those she hurt...just let me know if we have to move on or not. It's like a convict saying ok ok, just decide what you are going to do with me so I can get on with my life. What about restoring trust or actually helping your spouse through this time? Actually a spouse in this situation really never does make a final decision, they have to deal with what happened the rest of their lives.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I also wonder what % of cheaters would actually forgive an RA...


*From a hastily derived mathematical equation, I'd have to say for the most part:

RA = IDC 

IDC = Instant Divorce Court

Do not pass "Go!"
Do not collect $200!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

*sigh* in the heat of the moment of first revealing what I did, I offered my husband a "hall pass".  My words were actually "you can have a fling if you want".

It wasn't so much that I wanted him to have sex with someone else so much that I was scared, panicking and knew I was losing my marriage. I was throwing any and everything I could think of out to try to get him to stay.

I felt like I lost the right to have him not sleep with someone else. Which I did lose that right. So I threw it out there with the hopes he'd be like "ok, I'll sleep with someone and well be equal and it'll be all good".

Delusional thinking at it's best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> *sigh* in the heat of the moment of first revealing what I did, I offered my husband a "hall pass".  My words were actually "you can have a fling if you want".
> 
> It wasn't so much that I wanted him to have sex with someone else so much that I was scared, panicking and knew I was losing my marriage. I was throwing any and everything I could think of out to try to get him to stay.
> 
> ...


 @LosingHim I've read you story and about your transgression if there was ever a case for true R its yours. I am rooting for you.


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## jebadoa (Jan 9, 2016)

You should go to a Christian marriage counselor together. There are steps and phases you must get through to recover from an affair. But you CAN recover and make your marriage better than ever. 

Sent from my SM-S820L using Tapatalk


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> *sigh* in the heat of the moment of first revealing what I did, I offered my husband a "hall pass".  My words were actually "you can have a fling if you want".


ha!...my W said the same exact thing just like you did when I found out...she took it back quickly thou. You explained it well...


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> *sigh* in the heat of the moment of first revealing what I did, I offered my husband a "hall pass".  My words were actually "you can have a fling if you want".
> 
> It wasn't so much that I wanted him to have sex with someone else so much that I was scared, panicking and knew I was losing my marriage. I was throwing any and everything I could think of out to try to get him to stay.
> 
> ...


It might be delusional, but in your case it seems it is a form of grief. One of the stages of grief is bargaining. It's a weird inverted form of bargaining to try to do SOMEthing, ANYthing, to keep the marriage intact and maintain the possibility of reconciliation, especially if the WS is mortified and ashamed and remorseful and wants to salvage the relationship. In a less honorable situation, where the WS isn't truly remorseful or shocked to the socks about the damage done to the spouse, it's likely a ploy to buy time and try to retain the status quo of Plan B.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *From a hastily derived mathematical equation, I'd have to say for the most part:
> 
> RA = IDC
> 
> ...


LOL you mean a cheater might also be a hypocrite..do tell? :grin2:


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> Seeing the change in my husband is what made me finally really accept that I have to leave. My husband is a man of few words, doesn't show it talk about his feelings, but sometimes actions are enough.
> 
> He's not as quick to smile, there rarely any laughing. He's quick to anger, won't look at me most times. I don't know exactly HOW it's changed him, I can just see that it has.
> 
> ...



I am like this even after 3 years. Do not know why my wife wants to be with me. What she has left is a vase that had been shattered and glued back together with many cracks and missing pieces. Not as shiny. Smile reflections once increased back. Now they have cracks and smile zig zags. That is what it's like. Hard to explain but I am not the same. I am definitely more cynical and less tolerant of things. Much happiness in me blown to pieces. Here is the thing. I don't want it back! It was part of who I was that left me helpless, hurt, angry, and scared. I will never be that nice man again that was always willing to help every person that needed human kindness or simple wave hello to people in the street when I am walking my dog. Instead they should feel lucky that I don't give them the finger. But my wife said she is willing to except me like this no matter what. That is her choice. She said she created this person I have become and is willing to stand by me which means a lot but I did not ask her to stay even though she wanted to after he affair partner rejected her. I don't want her to leave but I don't know why she stays. She tells me it was the mistake of her lifetime. She said in counseling a while back that she wished to go back in time to beat the **** out of herself before having sexual encounters with the OM. My reply to that was go back in time and beat the **** out of myself to where I would not propose to her. She is not happy that I regret getting married to her. How the **** am I supposed to feel? I asked her if Indidnthe same thing how would she feel. She responded by the thought of it not able to deal with it. Then I said mine is a ****ing reality nightmare that is real.


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