# is this it?



## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

I am new here. Just searching for some sort of help. I am sorry if you have heard this a hundred times.
my story:
I have been with my husband for almost 13 years, married for 7 1/2 . we were the perfect couple, everyone wanted our relationship. We even thought it was perfect. We have a 5 and 3 year old . about six months ago, my husband changed. He sat in bed, at time crying...felt lost. AT first it was us, it was the kids, it was family, it was having no friends....it was everything. He had a real bad slump for a few months. In the meantime,I was lost. What happened. He refused counseling, he says he does not need it. Throughout the months he told me that he loved me but not the way he used to. Then at times, he says he is not sure. At first, I thought...of course not! But now, it just eats at me....i wonder, how do you not know. So of course, i am in my slump and of course he wont like me now! He does not want to talk, he says i drill, over analyze and take everything too far. On his part, I do over analyze. However, what woman does not. Part of me is hating him....i feel like he is just immature. He also turned 30 last year....i want to just say grow up and accept life. He is off a lot and home w/our kids a lot also. Most friends have moved away... Anyway, i want to talk and he does not. He wants to go w/ the flow. I have such a hard time moving past it all. We dont talk like we used to, we are not what we were. It is all so strange. I just see no use in staying w/someone that cant tell me if he loves me. He used to tell me all the time, Now i never hear it. It has been about 6 months of ups and downs. I work 45 hours a week, and take care of groceries, bills, dinner, school etc...so I am burned to the max. ...and feel that he just needs to accept that life has changed adn that is normal. Anyone go through this...to hear that you may not be loved is devestating...how do I move past this...is it possible? We have talked about separation but he normally is the one that says we are not there yet....but I just cant look at him in the same way now.
I dont think he is cheating nor is anyone involved. at least i Hope not.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I was originally going to suggest mid-life crisis, but the fact that he is 30? No way.

This is where YOU have to take command. You are allowing HIM to have the option of sitting around wallowing in self-pity. Has he even identified any part of why he is feeling this way?

He has told you that he doesn't love you anymore (or something to that effect). Why, then is it HIS decision on whether it is time to separate? After all, if he doesn't love you anymore, then what is YOUR incentive to stay with him? What about YOUR rights and feelings?

So you go to him like this... Sit on the side of the bed and in a loving tone say to him "Bob, I can't live like this anymore. I love you. Your kids need their father, but this just isn't working out for anyone. It's time to get some help. Otherwise, there is no point in staying together."

If he isn't accepting of this, inform him that you are not ASKING, and that unless he wants to lose everything, then he is going to have to get help. It is not fair for everyone to live in misery because daddy has "the puds"

Could be a chemical imbalance... There is treatment for depression. 

~Moog


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

Iguess i should have been more clear. He is not really in the slumps now...his motto is "go with the flow". But for me, it is so hard to go w/ the flow...the flow may not be working! He just says, I just dont love you the same? Whatever! after 13 years and two kids of course it is not the same. I worry that he is so unsettled w/ how it has changed. And our sex life has never been an issue?? Communication for the most part has been ok until all of this. Now I analyze to death and he hates it. I guess I just dont know how to move on after hearing it. I told him I now need things I never needed...a flower, a card, a sticky note....he jus tsays, I never did that before....but if I am not feeling it from him, How do I feel good enough to move on and not be the unwelcoming , nagging wife I have turned into. I am just so angry and sad


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## lonestarmama (Feb 19, 2009)

Honestly, it sounds like you both are in need of some counseling. You're obviously depressed to some extent and I think getting EVERYTHING out to someone in person would do you a ton of good. Perhaps if you go to counseling and start to move past all the things that have happened in the past 6 months, maybe he'll realize that he could benefit from counseling as well. Maybe even couple's counseling.

Also, I don't think it's all that uncommon for men to have mid-life crises at 30. Even some women have issues around 30.

Good luck to you. I hope things improve.


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

I just replied to a post that was similar to this...He is depressed. Depression does not go away, it needs treatment and possibly medication.
Life can get you down. We moved to another state, and cannot find friends, have nothing to do, work a lot, etc. It builds up and can really bash your mood.
If he is willing to get help, he needs to do it immediately. After the depression is handled then you two need counceling. My husband and I go to therapy to heal a lot of issues his depression and BiPolar caused. You cannot do it alone, nor should you try.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

whyme-

You want him to demonstrate his love more..

I wonder if you can use a bit of reverse psychology on him? Do you know what really makes him feel loved? Try being extra loving to him without actually smothering him.


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

Thank you all for your thoughts. i need them. We had a talk this week and i once again explained for me to move on I need little gestures. He is tired of talking. So I have decided to try the hardest ever to be the rock again. I am going to try to give him as much as I can. It gets hard when you work 45 hours, and he is home all day and did nothing...real hard. I know I have a good guy that just is lost w/ life but he wont get professional help, he just wont. I do think I am holding us back and not moving on. I just have a hard time wondering each day where he is at...i just dont get it! 

Mark, I am trying. Sometimes I just go nuts....I just hate him for saying he is not sure he loves me. Oh, I love you, just not the same!! You just sit and wonder all the time.....


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

So for a few days I have been very nice, and not playing the victim game. However , today it is so hard. I only saw him a few minutes but I have such a hard time being upbeat when I am always wondering what may happen or could happen? I just miss him coming to me more instead of the other way around. I realize how many years I took advantage of his loving ways. However, I do feel used all these years that he stole from me as well. It is hard to keep up with him when you do everything to make the family run...he just does not get that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

whyme said:


> I realize how many years I took advantage of his loving ways.


Can you elaborate on this?


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

He has always been affectionate, I guess he still is but I seem to be coming to him. He has always been understanding, loving, everything...almost perfect. ...outside of helping w/ house, responsibilities etc. And through the years of having children life got away a little. I work, then come home do dinner, baths, clean...you know how it goes.I dont think I always was as affectionate to him.....and i take complete fault. However, he has not always played his part in the house etc so I get annoyed and distant or nag. See he works 40 hours a week but in double shifts so he is home a lot more than I am. So although he is working just as much, I find it annoying that he does not help or do more fo rme in the house. Then i would have more time for him and the girls.....

it just goes on and on......i know i just have to try to love and be there for him and hope he comes back around. he will recipricate any hugs, kisses, sex, etc.....but he is just not the same. I get no I love you's, I miss you's...like i used to.....ugh


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Do you think he has resentment left over from when you were more neglectful of him?

For instance I still feel hurt when I think back to how my wife neglected me in the past, even though she is not doing it now. It takes a long time with the other spouse constantly demonstrating love and attention to erase the past with some people. In my case, I just have to tell myself to snap out of it - it does us little good for me to complain to her about something she is not even guilty off - _now_.

If this is the case with your hubby, time and love will do the trick.

I sort of covered this concept in Are You Out Of Sync?


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

Mark, you offer wonderful insight!

I am trying. I am trying to be what I once was but it is hard when he is not standing up to the plate. I guess time will tell, but I fear that I will get annoyed again before it does. I need help, that is just how it is....and I get tired of trying to fix our past, be a mom...all while he takes advantage of everything. He also went on a spending spree during the last 6 months, right when we were just about out of debt! So i have a lot of anger....on top of coming home to the clean house i had a total mess again! It is hard to love and show love under the constant pressure. I know we will get there, or at least I hope to. I think he does too. HOw long did it take for you to use this concept...the showing the other everything you want and more...how long did it take for your wife to respond?

Also on a sidenote....if you can see past the religious aspect of the movie if your beliefs are not that....everyone should see the movie Fireproof....it really awakens you. at least it did me, my husband was not effected? whatever!


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

I am just curious..what are ways that worked to get your wifes attention and vice versa...i would like a flower, a card, a sticky note..but that is not him. what sort of things can i do to show a small gesture...i text him to have a good day right before work, i got his lunch completely ready for his doubles, I sent the girls in w/ a cake yesterday while he slept for his bday to sing to him , i rub his shoulders since he has been working out and sore....but I am looking for somethign that I dont normally do and may not be thinking of.


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