# need a little marriage advice....



## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

First time user hello have read through post and gathered a lot of useful information from those who have been there or those who are going through it. Finally though it be good to get some feedback about my current situation.

At the current moment, I will admit that I hold a lot of anger and resentment towards my husband. We have been married for 4 years, and this past year has been the most difficult. Starting last year I had noticed that attempts at sex were at times met with rejection, and at times intimacy was not always there as well. We were also not on the same page about having a baby, due to him wanting to be more financially stable. When I tried to speak with my husband about the issues that we had going he shut down when difficult situations came up, or refused to acknowledge them. So after all of this rejection feel as if I was not being desired. Come December I got to a point where I felt he was pushing me away due to the lack of communication and rejection that was going on. in addition, i felt as if i did everything for him in our relationship in terms of cleaning house, and it felt as if everything was on his terms....

In December I found myself going behind my husband’s back, and went out to see if I was desired, and got a random guys number, who I texted with for about a week before I stopped due to feeling remorse, and getting a sick feeling in my stomach for putting myself in that situation. After that point I found myself angry at my husband , but did not tell him about the emotional affair I had, to add to it I found myself lying to my husband about where I was going to find time to myself. After telling my husband that I was thinking about separation. 

My husband within these last two months has shown that he is willing to make changes within himself, He had acknowledged that he was going through issues last year, yet admitted that he knew he should have did a better job at communicating and listening to my issues, and became more willing meet my sexual needs, and picking up the dlakc around the house. Yet seeing all of these makes me frustrated as is he just flipped a switch, and now he is this “perfect husband”. I tell him why could he not have been this a few months ago, Even when I told him about the affair his response was he could love me through it, or when he caught me in a lie about where when I told him I was at my parents when I wasn’t, he has shown patience and a wiliness to still be here for me even though at time I take the anger and frustration out on him by the way I treat him.

At this point I find myself with a lack of patience for him and get easily annoyed with him at times, I have yet to forgive him, but still, hold a lot of bitterness towards the hurt and rejection that I went through. At the current moment we still live under the same roof because I still love him, I am still figuring out what I want for myself, He has shown to be loyal, and always honest throughout our marriage, but I am unsure what I really want. At times I tell him, I’m going to be more selfish with myself, and take these next few months to work on me. I still tell him I love him before I go to work, and still wear my wedding ring, yet still find myself using work as an excuse to avoid coming home and having to talk about anything serious, being guarded with him due to not wanting to be hurt. other than kissing i have stopped sexual contact( i feel that it is cinfusing me) as well, there are times where i feel that we have switched roles, and i am how he was acting last year.

Ath this point i thought maybe i get your opinions, Im at the point where we still do things together, but i am still unsure if starting over would be the best option, or if it be worth losing out on something great.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

anyone? any type of advice?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Swrdfish10 said:


> anyone? any type of advice?


Your marriage problems can be to a certain extent blamed on your husband.
You cheating is one hundred percent down to you.
It’s kinda pointless coming on a marriage advice forum,admitting you cheated on your husband,admitting he is doing his best to change,admitting you are withholding sex from him, but still looking for sympathy.
That’s not how it works.
Either divorce or get counseling it’s up to you.
One last thing.
Grow the **** up!


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Oh my god give the guy an account here so we can tell him that you're not worth it. And I hope after the divorce he can find someone worth his time and love.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well that was harsh. But a good summary to work from. 

There are certain people in my life that I often think of as Olympic level grudge holders. They have perfected the art of grudge holding. They can remember every slight in a 50 year relationship. These people are not happy. Their minds are full of poison. Your post shows that you are starting down that path. I'm begging you to turn back. To learn to let it go. To move forward, not to live in the past. I believe this is the first and most important step you can take.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> anyone? any type of advice?


4 years? My trooper of a W put up with exactly the same attitude from me as your H gave to you. Difference is, my W put up with it for 20 YEARS. She stayed the course in hopes one day I get it. My W communicated to me the feeling of rejection. Feeling undesirable. Alone. She told me that late at night she would cry in the bathroom over this. Prayed for the H she hoped for. This went on for 20 years. I was none the wiser. I was in good daddy mode. Great provider. Hell, to me I was the model H, father and provider. One day it hit me like a brick. I was anything but a great H. I said to myself, "My W has ever reason, after 20 years, to leave or cheat on me." She communicated. I ignore. And you know what, I CHANGED LIKE HITTING A LIGHT SWITCH!!! From that revelation on I am the freaking model of a H. My W deserves nothing less. So yes, your H can get hit with a 2x4, wise up and become the model H as he realizes he has really screwed up. 

Was my W resentful? Yes! Did my actions over the following years of waking the hell up change that resentment? Absolutely. 

If your H is truly turning over a new leaf. Support it as best you can. 

BTW, the random guy stuff. Knock it off. It does nothing to help your situation. Communication does. And kudos for knock off the random guy stuff.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> At this point I find myself with a lack of patience for him and get easily annoyed with him at times, I have yet to forgive him, but still, hold a lot of bitterness towards the hurt and rejection that I went through. At the current moment we still live under the same roof because I still love him, I am still figuring out what I want for myself, He has shown to be loyal, and always honest throughout our marriage, but I am unsure what I really want. At times I tell him, I’m going to be more selfish with myself, and take these next few months to work on me. I still tell him I love him before I go to work, and still wear my wedding ring, yet still find myself using work as an excuse to avoid coming home and having to talk about anything serious, being guarded with him due to not wanting to be hurt. other than kissing i have stopped sexual contact( i feel that it is cinfusing me) as well, there are times where i feel that we have switched roles, and i am how he was acting last year.


As to this....you are doing to your H what he had done to you. You are REJECTING your H with no sexual contact and meaningful conversation.

You are dead on....you have switched roles. Does this make sense to you? Should you H now go out and find a random woman? 

Think about it.


You are holding a bomb(your marriage) with a fuse that is active. Your H is here a bucket of water to keep the bomb(your marriage) from exploding. You have turned your back so you H can not put water on the fuse.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Bringing a third person into the mix is never the answer. Some people believe that people can't change, but I beg to differ. As long as you're keeping yourself guard in order to not get hurt, things will not get better. This is your husband. The one person you shouldn't have your guard up with; and getting hurt is part of the process of healing and moving on. Give him a chance. When someone has a revelation that they need to change, if they care at all they will change. But it won't be overnight. It will take time and during that time you have to let his change take place. If you keep yourself guarded and fight against it, it won't work because you will have fought it off. Perhaps most important is communication. Not communicating led you down this path and continuing to not communicate is only going to separate you further. See a counselor if you need to, but the lines of communication have to stay open.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

ill admit i know I have not been treating him right, there are times where I do through what he has done back at him, and there are times where it feels like he is walking on eggshells around me., he has told me as such. as mentioned above yes the roles have reversed, yet even with all of this i tell him " oh now that you want to work on things we should do what you want". part of me feels like its on his terms much like our marriage and having a baby.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

as for communication, he has started to been wanting to talk more and be more open with his feelings, and i have found myself feeling overwhelmed when we start to talk about the issues that are happening and asked him just to be normal so we can ease our way back into getting to that point. I know my actions have caused a man who trusted me all these years to lose that trust he had in me. i know how ive been hasn't been fair to him


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

One more try, because I'm a fool.

You are still saying it is all his fault. You are still refusing to communicate at the level that you desire. You are doing this because it is "what he wants". 

Here is the deal. If you do in fact love him and desire to continue the relationship with him, then both of you have to work together on this. As long as you are on different teams, you are not going to both win. 

You can keep your grudges, or you can keep your marriage. Or, as the more popular quote says, "Do you want to be Right, or do you want to be Happy?"


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> as for communication, he has started to been wanting to talk more and be more open with his feelings, and i have found myself feeling overwhelmed when we start to talk about the issues that are happening and asked him just to be normal so we can ease our way back into getting to that point.


This seems to indicate that not everything is on HIS terms. Not by a long shot.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Swrdfish10 said:


> ill admit i know I have not been treating him right, there are times where I do through what he has done back at him, and there are times where it feels like he is walking on eggshells around me., he has told me as such. as mentioned above yes the roles have reversed, yet even with all of this i tell him " oh now that you want to work on things we should do what you want". part of me feels like its on his terms much like our marriage and having a baby.


Well the marriage should be on his terms. You lost that when you cheated on him.

Let him decide how he wants to run the recovery process to make himself feel better, you created the problem. If you can't give it 100%, let him go, he deserves better.

Sometimes you just need to get outside your comfort zone. "You have to be comfortable being uncomfortable"


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

this issue ive had is through our relationship, ive had a hard time dealing with things that have happened, within our past, even with all that is going on. its pretty obvious counseling is needed, and at a time how we can still live under the same rough surprises me, based on how he has been. it difficult letting go of the hurt, my fear is he will become that man later down the road.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

the reality of it is my husband hurt me, time after time it felt like a slap in the face when he rejected me, and even now when he has made changes it feels like an insult that he can make changes so quick, so in many ways im trying to figure out how to get through the hurt that im feeling, and yes i can say i feel like bith at times because i haven't met him when it comes to the affair, or the fact that he is being this perfect guy is hard for me to accpt.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

From my read of your post I think you have not told your husband about your Emotional Affair.

Please, please do not get pregnant. The very last thing you need to do is get pregnant.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Swrdfish10 said:


> the reality of it is my husband hurt me, time after time it felt like a slap in the face when he rejected me, and even now when he has made changes it feels like an insult that he can make changes so quick, so in many ways im trying to figure out how to get through the hurt that im feeling, and yes i can say i feel like bith at times because i haven't met him when it comes to the affair, or the fact that he is being this perfect guy is hard for me to accpt.


Then leave.

Go for a new start with someone that meets your needs. 

This isn't even difficult times and you've already cheated. What will you do when there is a baby or a financial crisis or a health crisis?

You're angry at him when he doesn't act a specific way.
He changes to meet your needs and you're now angry at him for how he now acts.

This guy won't get a break because you are far too angry at him for whatever reason.
You've also tasted what it's like to (at the very least emotionally) be with another man.

Just go and you both can be happy after a period of healing.


Otherwise, get some IC for yourself.
You have anger issues (while some of it might be justified, you have far too much built up to be healthy) which need to be addressed.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> First time user hello have read through post and gathered a lot of useful information from those who have been there or those who are going through it. Finally though it be good to get some feedback about my current situation.
> 
> At the current moment, I will admit that I hold a lot of anger and resentment towards my husband. We have been married for 4 years, and this past year has been the most difficult. Starting last year I had noticed that attempts at sex were at times met with rejection, and at times intimacy was not always there as well. We were also not on the same page about having a baby, due to him wanting to be more financially stable. When I tried to speak with my husband about the issues that we had going he shut down when difficult situations came up, or refused to acknowledge them. So after all of this rejection feel as if I was not being desired. Come December I got to a point where I felt he was pushing me away due to the lack of communication and rejection that was going on. in addition, i felt as if i did everything for him in our relationship in terms of cleaning house, and it felt as if everything was on his terms....
> 
> ...


when did these issues actually start, and what did he actually do? because from what you have written, it sounds like you decided to cheat after less than a year of crappy communication. and now, after finally communicating to your husband in a way that is effective enough for him to change things, you have decided that you dont want him to change.

you even cut off sex so as to sabotage any progress he might make on your cold heart. it wasnt "confusing" you, as you put it. it was making you feel closer to him, and you dont want to be closer to him. you would rather resent him, even though you cheated on him and he is willing to forgive you for actively choosing to betray him. in your own words, you literally stepped out of your marriage intending to cheat on him. but i guess you didn't like the way that made you feel about yourself, so now you are taking that shame out on him?

you dont want your marriage to work. 

if you cannot change the way you think about your marriage and your husband, i sincerely hope that he wakes up soon and realizes that he can do MUCH MUCH better than you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> as for communication, he has started to been wanting to talk more and be more open with his feelings, and i have found myself feeling overwhelmed when we start to talk about the issues that are happening and asked him just to be normal so we can ease our way back into getting to that point. I know my actions have caused a man who trusted me all these years to lose that trust he had in me. i know how ive been hasn't been fair to him


My W was not very communicative with me. Sure, she expressed to me what a marriage in her mind looked like(and she was correct) but again, I was in a "doing the right thing mod", being a father and providing. Totally missing the mark on being a H. But our conversations did not go much deeper than the daily stuff. 

After my revelation of screwing up 20 years I did a complete 180. Yes, people change. I have proven my change over the past 4-5 years. My W is now very open and is not guarded any longer. It took time to ease into what a marriage should be. I certainly did not have an instruction book but sites like this helped quite a bit. 

Concerning the OM/random dude. Yeah, not good. For me, deal breaker if my W did that. Call me crazy but I don't share my W with other men. 

You have your own work to do in getting the trust back. I tell you, once trust is broken it is very hard to get it back if at all. Sorry, just the way it is. 

Good luck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> the reality of it is my husband hurt me, time after time it felt like a slap in the face when he rejected me, and even now when he has made changes it feels like an insult that he can make changes so quick, so in many ways im trying to figure out how to get through the hurt that im feeling, and yes i can say i feel like bith at times because i haven't met him when it comes to the affair, or the fact that he is being this perfect guy is hard for me to accpt.


People hurt people. Sometime meaning too or subconsciously. At this juncture your H, I assume, has apologized and is actively looking to correct the wrong? You appear to not want to forgive and wallow in self-pity. If this is how you will run your life when you are hurt best of luck as you will have bags full of resentfulness. Be aware that the longer you push away and reject your H actions of correcting his wrong doing eventually your H will give up.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

I'll be honest and ill use last night as an example, he was upset that I came home, and was going to leave to see a friend, I told him where I was going and showed him the text, and even asked him if there was a time I should be home, and yet he was still insecure, and I got to the point where I wanted to leave to get some time to cool down and talk. When i got home i told he the places that i went, I agreed with him to do marriage counseling. This morning I find out that he looked through a bag that I took with me last night, and ill admit I was upset with him not just asking me, and yes I know that I probably deserve a lot worst with how ive treated him, but i still felt he should have just asked, yet I understand why he has his insecurities. I know that he doesnt trust me, and that is something I have a hard time with, but i know its my own fault. We actually talked, and I told him that I am still figuring out myself and how i can be better for our marriage,


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Actions speak louder than words. As a matter of fact the words of a cheater are worth nothing at all. You are doing nothing to save or make your marriage work. He doesn’t trust you and no one that knows how you cheated trusts you either. As for myself, I don’t believe you didn’t have sex with your affair partner. There is nothing you cans just say to make me believe it. See how that works. Of course he doesn’t trust you. To him something told him in his gut you were acting shady last night. 

You need to prepare yourself that he is nearly done with you. From what little you have said here, if it were me, your stuff would have been on the porch last night when you got home and the locks would have been changed. 

What he did and what you did are not even in the same ball park. He has given you the gift of reconciliation and you have thrown it back in his face. You should let him go and go back to the lowlife affair partner that likes to poke married women.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> Actions speak louder than words. As a matter of fact the words of a cheater are worth nothing at all. You are doing nothing to save or make your marriage work. He doesn’t trust you and no one that knows how you cheated trusts you either. As for myself, I don’t believe you didn’t have sex with your affair partner. There is nothing you cans just say to make me believe it. See how that works. Of course he doesn’t trust you. To him something told him in his gut you were acting shady last night.
> 
> You need to prepare yourself that he is nearly done with you. From what little you have said here, if it were me, your stuff would have been on the porch last night when you got home and the locks would have been changed.
> 
> What he did and what you did are not even in the same ball park. He has given you the gift of reconciliation and you have thrown it back in his face. You should let him go and go back to the lowlife affair partner that likes to poke married women.



And that is somthing that ive come to the realisation of. Im i happy with my choices...no, I wont lie i was mad that he didnt ask me to just look in my bag, but i understand his reasoing for doing so, even though we both came to the conculsion to seek counseling together, at times im not sure what else i need to do to show him im being honest

in terms of the the affair it was all emotional, i made the bad choice of seeking attention elsewhere becuase i was nt being desired in our marriage, but it went no further than texting. these problems have had been going on since last year, and they are for the most part casued me to be angry with him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> I'll be honest and ill use last night as an example, he was upset that I came home, and was going to leave to see a friend, I told him where I was going and showed him the text, and even asked him if there was a time I should be home, and yet he was still insecure, and I got to the point where I wanted to leave to get some time to cool down and talk. When i got home i told he the places that i went, I agreed with him to do marriage counseling. This morning I find out that he looked through a bag that I took with me last night, and ill admit I was upset with him not just asking me, and yes I know that I probably deserve a lot worst with how ive treated him, but i still felt he should have just asked, yet I understand why he has his insecurities. I know that he doesnt trust me, and that is something I have a hard time with, but i know its my own fault. We actually talked, and I told him that I am still figuring out myself and how i can be better for our marriage,


You do not get it nor understand as you claim. Once trust is broken(specifically in a infidelity situation) that trust returning requires a very long time of being forthright until you are pushing up daisies. Sometimes it does not fully recover. Understand you willingly went looking for comfort from another without you H being non-the-wiser. What are your thoughts with a scenario where your H knowingly went to seek comfort(among other things) from another woman. How would you feel about it? What would you want your H to do to make it right?

I'm glad you two are communication and decided on MC. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that once your marriage is on track, life paints a very different picture.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> You do not get it nor understand as you claim. Once trust is broken(specifically in a infidelity situation) that trust returning requires a very long time of being forthright until you are pushing up daisies. Sometimes it does not fully recover. Understand you willingly went looking for comfort from another without you H being non-the-wiser. What are your thoughts with a scenario where your H knowingly went to seek comfort(among other things) from another woman. How would you feel about it? What would you want your H to do to make it right?
> 
> I'm glad you two are communication and decided on MC. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that once your marriage is on track, life paints a very different picture.


the truth is i would not be happy if the situation was turned, and last night i told him i felt that our roles are switched, and his response was that was not true, being that he never lied to me or cheated on me, He has been loyal and honest with me throughout all of this and as difficult as it as to hear it was the truth. as for trust, even though he does tell me that he has to have a bit of trust in me or he would go crazy, he has admitted that he doesn't fully trust what im saying or where i go, i even asked him what more i can do, if i need to call him from work to vary what im doing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> the truth is i would not be happy if the situation was turned, and last night i told him i felt that our roles are switched, and his response was that was not true, being that he never lied to me or cheated on me, anas difficult as it as to hear it was the truth. as for trust, even though he does tell me that he has to have a bit of trust in me or he would go crazy, he has admitted that he doesn't fully trust what im saying or where i go, i even asked him what more i can do, if i need to call him from work to vary what im doing.


Yes, a text and communicating your whereabouts should happen but also should not be necessary after a while as trust is returned. If your H asks for your phone out of the blue let him have it. Open book policy. This builds trust again. Transparency. Eventually your actions will show all is well and the constant monitoring is not necessary. It stinks getting one's self in this position but this is the end result of losing trust. Your actions will speak volumes in this situation. 

Other than that, you both need to learn to appreciate each other for all you do daily. Appreciation goes a long way.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, a text and communicating your whereabouts should happen but also should not be necessary after a while as trust is returned. If your H asks for your phone out of the blue let him have it. Open book policy. This builds trust again. Transparency.  Eventually your actions will show all is well and the constant monitoring is not necessary. It stinks getting one's self in this position but this is the end result of losing trust. Your actions will speak volumes in this situation.
> 
> Other than that, you both need to learn to appreciate each other for all you do daily. Appreciation goes a long way.


funny thing you mention that my H has mentioned time after time that despite all that was going through were going through all of this he still loves me for both the good and the bad. There are times where i feel that he deserves better in terms of how im treating him, yet i still struggle little things and find myself getting annoyed or frustrated with him. much like this morning when i noticed that he went through a bag i used, he could have asked and i would have shown him, i understand where he is coming from, but it doesn't mean that im not mad about it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> I'll be honest and ill use last night as an example, he was upset that I came home, and was going to leave to see a friend, I told him where I was going and showed him the text, and even asked him if there was a time I should be home, and yet he was still insecure, and I got to the point where I wanted to leave to get some time to cool down and talk. When i got home i told he the places that i went, I agreed with him to do marriage counseling. This morning I find out that he looked through a bag that I took with me last night, and ill admit I was upset with him not just asking me, and yes I know that I probably deserve a lot worst with how ive treated him, but i still felt he should have just asked, yet I understand why he has his insecurities. I know that he doesnt trust me, and that is something I have a hard time with, but i know its my own fault. We actually talked, and I told him that I am still figuring out myself and how i can be better for our marriage,


So you continue to lie to him.

He knows you are disconnected, and his gut likely suspects an affair. 

You expect to carry on as if you haven't had an affair just simply because you haven't disclosed it.

Think about it... You are angry at him for suspecting you were cheating, and trying to prove it to himself, while you continue to gaslight him. Do you know what gaslighting is? If not, look it up.

Just let him go. He may have been a lousy husband, but nobody deserves what you are doing to him right now.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> And that is somthing that ive come to the realisation of. Im i happy with my choices...no, I wont lie i was mad that he didnt ask me to just look in my bag, but i understand his reasoing for doing so, even though we both came to the conculsion to seek counseling together, at times im not sure what else i need to do to show him im being honest
> 
> in terms of the the affair it was all emotional, i made the bad choice of seeking attention elsewhere becuase i was nt being desired in our marriage, but it went no further than texting. these problems have had been going on since last year, and they are for the most part casued me to be angry with him.


If you want to show him you are being honest, you could start by actually being honest.

Also, rationalizing the affair by saying it was just texting is worse than lying to him... Because it's lying to yourself.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> funny thing you mention that my H has mentioned time after time that despite all that was going through were going through all of this he still loves me for both the good and the bad. There are times where i feel that he deserves better in terms of how im treating him, yet i still struggle little things and find myself getting annoyed or frustrated with him. much like this morning when i noticed that he went through a bag i used, he could have asked and i would have shown him, i understand where he is coming from, but it doesn't mean that im not mad about it.


Yes, part of love is understanding we are not perfect. My W gets frustrated with me even after 24 years. But, over the years the frustration is so much less as we learn each others likes/dislikes and how we both contribute in meaningful ways to the marriage and day to day ordeals. The best way to respond in certain situations. We have learned not to sweat the small stuff. I think that comes with age. Marriage takes work from both. The most important(and where your H was failing miserably) is keep each other FIRST in everything. Hopefully your H understands that now and is working on rectifying the situation. 

Your can certainly be mad about the searching of your purse without asking. But why be mad? I can pick up my W purse anytime looking for a Tic-Tac. Rummage through. She has nothing to hide in her purse. She could care any less. I can pick up her phone at any given moment to google search anything. Or just look it over. She will hand it over if there is a problem with it. I'm the IT guy for her phone. She has nothing to hide and it is fine with her. This is how a marriage should be. Other than taking care of nature in the bathroom, all should be a open door for spouses. Now, it is not to say my W does not confide and talks with her best friend(cousin) about life, marriage and things. I respect that privacy. Women talk to women. In short, my W has never given me any inkling that something was afoot as she is very transparent. If you become transparent with your H his trust will return.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Swrdfish10 said:


> funny thing you mention that my H has mentioned time after time that despite all that was going through were going through all of this he still loves me for both the good and the bad. There are times where i feel that he deserves better in terms of how im treating him, yet i still struggle little things and find myself getting annoyed or frustrated with him. much like this morning when i noticed that he went through a bag i used, he could have asked and i would have shown him, i understand where he is coming from, but it doesn't mean that im not mad about it.


Are you actually reading any of the replies you are getting?
You lie to your husband,you have cheated on him,you withhold sex,you treat him with nothing but contempt but hey,he looked through your bag so he’s at fault.I would have packed your bag for you if it was me.
Will you please leave this unfortunate man and let him find someone who has any semblance of respect for him.
And once again with feeling.Grow the **** up!


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

yes i have been reading the response, and the truth of the matter is i know i messed things up with my marriage and with my husband, he was once a man who trusted me without any issues, and i know my actions have changed him in regards to how much he trusts me. and i will admit I have not treated him the best, with all of my actions. do i have anger towards him yes, do i have anger towards myself with how i treated or acted with him yes. 

the bag issues just upset me, because he could have asked me, and as mad as I am at him, but as I had said before I know i deserve a lot worst, then what I have gotten from him, and how he has acted towards me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> yes i have been reading the response, and the truth of the matter is i know i messed things up with my marriage and with my husband, he was once a man who trusted me without any issues, and i know my actions have changed him in regards to how much he trusts me. and i will admit I have not treated him the best, with all of my actions. do i have anger towards him yes, do i have anger towards myself with how i treated or acted with him yes.
> 
> the bag issues just upset me, because he could have asked me, and as mad as I am at him, but as I had said before I know i deserve a lot worst, then what I have gotten from him, and how he has acted towards me.


I don't think you really believe it. At least, not just yet.

If you really believed it, you would stop looking to blame him for leading you to make poor choices, and actually set about to make amends.

Ask yourself what you are doing to try and improve your relationship besides expecting him to fix it?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> the bag issues just upset me, *because he could have asked me*, and as mad as I am at him, but as I had said before I know i deserve a lot worst, then what I have gotten from him, and how he has acted towards me.


Understand that party of asking is over until trust is returned. In fact, once trust is returned the searching and looking become less. Eventually going away. Why are you so bent on your H looking into your bag??? It makes it appear you are hiding something. Let him open the bag. Nothing in there to hide. Moving on.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Let's be honest ima mess right now, with myself which is why I feel I need to focus on me, and with how I was with my husband. yes ill admit ive been a **** with him, there are times where i get defensive or run from an argument when the topic gets tough. the whole bag situation upset me, but i still understand why he would be upset with the choices ive made. im i trying to be selfish no.... but the reality is im am being selfish with trying to work on myself so that i can be a better wife, i told him last night that i feel i can be the best ive ever been to him, but i still have fears and doubts.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> Let's be honest ima mess right now, with myself which is why I feel I need to focus on me, and with how I was with my husband. yes ill admit ive been a **** with him, there are times where i get defensive or run from an argument when the topic gets tough. the whole bag situation upset me, but i still understand why he would be upset with the choices ive made. im i trying to be selfish no.... but the reality is im am being selfish with trying to work on myself so that i can be a better wife, i told him last night that i feel i can be the best ive ever been to him, but i still have fears and doubts.


Working on one's self to improve a situation is not being selfish. Improving you is not only great for you. It is great for your H. Even better for the marriage. 

What are your doubts and fears you speak of?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> Let's be honest ima mess right now, with myself which is why I feel I need to focus on me, and with how I was with my husband. yes ill admit ive been a **** with him, there are times where i get defensive or run from an argument when the topic gets tough. the whole bag situation upset me, but i still understand why he would be upset with the choices ive made. im i trying to be selfish no.... but the reality is im am being selfish with trying to work on myself so that i can be a better wife, i told him last night that i feel i can be the best ive ever been to him, but i still have fears and doubts.


Thank you for acknowledging this without being defensive.

You stated what you would like to accomplish. Now tell me how you intend to do it.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

the doubts and fears i speak of being hurt by him again or him going back to the way he use to be, i just don't get how even with all of this how he has been supportive, telling me he can love me through this, just as long as I'm honest with him.so is it wrong for to ask for space? there are time where i feel that he is overwhelmed at times, and other times where he still goes out of his way for me. all ive asked is for us to ease back into things, not to go too heavy into the conversation, being that with all the emotions i have its overwhelming. ive told him time and time again that he isa great man, but i still feel confused, with myself and the choices that i have made.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

marriage counseling was the first step, and I felt good with our conversation last night....but with what happened with the bag thing, even though he is within his rights it still got me upset. I ask him what more he needs from me, yet each time he has shown patience, and a willingness to love me. as many of you have commented I'm still unsure or how I'm still at home, but i know im not happy with myself with how i treat him or with the choices I've made, and i know a lot of it stems from the anger i have towards him, yet he has not shown that towards me in terms of resentment.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> the doubts and fears i speak of being hurt by him again or him going back to the way he use to be, i just don't get how even with all of this how he has been supportive, telling me he can love me through this, just as long as I'm honest with him.so is it wrong for to ask for space? there are time where i feel that he is overwhelmed at times, and other times where he still goes out of his way for me. all ive asked is for us to ease back into things, not to go too heavy into the conversation, being that with all the emotions i have its overwhelming. ive told him time and time again that he isa great man, but i still feel confused, with myself and the choices that i have made.


It's not unfair to ask for space, but I would tell you that all you are going to do is stoke his fears. Normally the first thing that someone in infidelity asks for is space, so they can try out their affair partner. 

When was the last time you had contact with your AP?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> marriage counseling was the first step, and I felt good with our conversation last night....but with what happened with the bag thing, even though he is within his rights it still got me upset. I ask him what more he needs from me, yet each time he has shown patience, and a willingness to love me. as many of you have commented I'm still unsure or how I'm still at home, but i know im not happy with myself with how i treat him or with the choices I've made, and i know a lot of it stems from the anger i have towards him, yet he has not shown that towards me in terms of resentment.


you want him to punish you for the things that you feel guilty for, so that you can let them go and love him as you wish you could, without guilt?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swdfish what standard are you holding your husband up to? Is it a reasonable standard, or one that no man can meet? 

Because if a perfect husband is what you are after you are going to grow old and lonely. Such a man does not exist. None of us guys are perfect, none of us are heroes. 

It sounds like you have a loyal husband who went through a period where he may have been under a lot of stress and wasn't meeting your needs. Now that he is trying, you are shutting him down because you refuse to forgive and you hold grudges. Is it right for you to do that? You have held yourself to a much lower standard than your husband. You have done some bad things behind his back. Do you really have a right to judge him? 

So start by showing him some compassion, and stop looking for him to make you happy. Only you can make you happy. It is a choice you make.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> the doubts and fears i speak of being hurt by him again or him going back to the way he use to be, i just don't get how even with all of this how he has been supportive, telling me he can love me through this, just as long as I'm honest with him.so is it wrong for to ask for space? there are time where i feel that he is overwhelmed at times, and other times where he still goes out of his way for me. all ive asked is for us to ease back into things, not to go too heavy into the conversation, being that with all the emotions i have its overwhelming. ive told him time and time again that he isa great man, but i still feel confused, with myself and the choices that i have made.


My W had the same fears. That the change I made would not last. So I can understand that. Perfectly normal. But, my W afforded me the opportunity to prove the change would last. And you know, it became easier for me over time to really understand, cherish and fill her needs. Now it just comes naturally. Kind of a cool feeling really. I kick myself in the butt for not making this change earlier in our marriage. Allow your H to change and make it lasting. I fall off the horse every now and then. Life gets in the way sometimes but....I get right back on my horse and keep on loving my W as she deserves. My W will fall off her horse sometimes as well. Life happens for her as well. She gets right back on the horse. 

Now, your H appears to be a good dude. Not a great H yet but working on it. If he says he loves you through all of that but requires honesty(his need in the relationship), give it to him. Asking for space does not bolster a relationship. If your H goes out of his way for you....let him! Appreciate it. Reciprocate. And, as a side note, my W as well was a bit in shock with my change and going overboard every now and then. 

What choices that you have made confuse you?


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> My W had the same fears. That the change I made would not last. So I can understand that. Perfectly normal. But, my W afforded me the opportunity to prove the change would last. And you know, it became easier for me over time to really understand, cherish and fill her needs. Now it just comes naturally. Kind of a cool feeling really. I kick myself in the butt for not making this change earlier in our marriage. Allow your H to change and make it lasting. I fall off the horse every now and then. Life gets in the way sometimes but....I get right back on my horse and keep on loving my W as she deserves. My W will fall off her horse sometimes as well. Life happens for her as well. She gets right back on the horse.
> 
> Now, your H appears to be a good dude. Not a great H yet but working on it. If he says he loves you through all of that but requires honesty(his need in the relationship), give it to him. Asking for space does not bolster a relationship. If your H goes out of his way for you....let him! Appreciate it. Reciprocate. And, as a side note, my W as well was a bit in shock with my change and going overboard every now and then.
> 
> What choices that you have made confuse you?



you mentioned reciprocate, and appreciate it, and there has been times i have not shown the same to him due to the anger i feel towards him, other times its comes off as fake, and not like anything like the man i married, so its hard for me to be appreciative when as mentioned before its like a light switch went off, and he is now acting like a different man. i 've told him why could you have not done these things months ago, and his excuse has he had difficulty communicating and was having issues with himself. much like this morning, i am still angry with him, and now have this idea he will been going through my things, but once again im to blame for what he has become, even though he still goes out of his way for, and hasnt shown the anger id expect from someone who been cheated on and lied too.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> I am still angry with him, .


Until you let the fire of your anger cool you will not be able to trust and love him. What do You want Most?


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

It's possible you're not really as angry with him as you think you are. You might just be genuinely unsure if you want to stay with him vs experience other possibilities. Being mad at him is just kind of a way to justify the ambivalence for yourself. No judgement. I've done it myself. I would say the whole bag thing is just a manifestation of this dynamic. You say he was justified in looking, so you're not sure why you're so mad. Maybe you're not. It's just something to be "mad" at him about to prolong the ambivalence. Not having sex is a way to prolong that too. Your flirting with other men was probably an attempt to resolve the ambivalence, but you weren't ready to make that choice yet. I would suggest being more gracious with him because it doesn't really sound like it's about him to me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> you mentioned reciprocate, and appreciate it, and there has been times i have not shown the same to him due to the anger i feel towards him, other times its comes off as fake, and not like anything like the man i married, so its hard for me to be appreciative when as mentioned before its like a light switch went off, and he is now acting like a different man. i 've told him why could you have not done these things months ago, and his excuse has he had difficulty communicating and was having issues with himself. much like this morning, i am still angry with him, and now have this idea he will been going through my things, but once again im to blame for what he has become, even though he still goes out of his way for, and hasnt shown the anger id expect from someone who been cheated on and lied too.


 @Swrdfish10, i am a man. i would not put up with your BS. i am a man who was threatened with his life on a regular bases growing up. i have scars all over my body from the fights i got into with my own mother. she didn't just try to kill me, she WANTED to kill me. she wanted me dead. she wanted my younger brother dead too. 

my wife reacted to me in a similar way you seem to be reacting to your husband. its different now for us. i will defend my wife from anyone and everyone. but only because she has devoted herself to me. to building me up. i have always been devoted to her. 

but your not like my wife. you don't seem to give a **** about your husband. why not just divorce?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Wow you are one bitter woman!

If you can't let it go you will never have the marriage you desire.


If he can forgive your cheating why can't you forgive his ....whatever you want to call it.
I'm not sure what he did to make you so bitter...neglecting you?


I think you wanted him to geall pissed off and divorce you when you cheated but now that hes trying to be what you want your even more pissed because what you truley want is divorced!

So do it just divorce for crying out loud.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You still have not told him about your affair?

He still has not discovered it?

He is certainly suspicious. Let me tell you your husband is a lot more patient with you than I could possibly have been with my wife. I doubt there’s many men who would tread so carefully once they become suspicious.

I do hope you improve yourself. I think you are mistaken to think you need to push your husband away in order to do that.

I suspect it is just your way of justifying breaking up, or seeking to start another affair.

As someone asked, when was the last time you contacted your affair partner?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You are a bitter resentful woman who projects blame on to her own husband while cheating on him. You're upset he went through your bag, while you had no qualms about sexting with the OM, giving him what only your husband deserves, and lying about going to 'be by yourself". You will NEVER be satisfied no matter what he does to change, so do both of you a favor and get an amicable divorce.
Oh yeah, and confess to him about your emotional affair. You haven't yet have you? You are acting like you hold all the chips here, but you don't. He will likely find out one way or another, they almost always do. You should be worshipping the ground he walks on for putting up with your *****y crap.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Forget the marriage counseling for now. You should get yourself in for some individual counseling first to figure out why you are so resentful of your husband. My theory is that you really don’t like yourself very much, and you are projecting this onto your husband.

He sounds like a good guy. Fix yourself or let him go...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> you mentioned reciprocate, and appreciate it, and there has been times i have not shown the same to him due to the anger i feel towards him, other times its comes off as fake, and not like anything like the man i married, so its hard for me to be appreciative when as mentioned before its like a light switch went off, and he is now acting like a different man. i 've told him why could you have not done these things months ago, and his excuse has *he had difficulty communicating and was having issues with himself.* much like this morning, i am still angry with him, and now have this idea he will been going through my things, but once again im to blame for what he has become, even though he still goes out of his way for, and hasnt shown the anger id expect from someone who been cheated on and lied too.


Having trouble communicating and or issue with self is not an excuse. I had problems communicating my feelings. Issues with myself(usually work stressing the heck out of me). I actively sorted out these internal problems. 

Do you need your H to start yelling and show anger for what you did? In your mind, do these acts(anger) show he cares for you? How does anger help?


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

ok so yes i will admit, much like i told my husband i am very bitter and angry that it felt like everything was on his terms., I am bitter for him not meeting my needs when we spoke about intimacy or even affection the rejection and avoidance of these topics in addition to not wanting or being ready for a child stuck with me. time and time again. I stood by him and did all i could for him, and at the time i didn't want a roommate, i wanted a companion. So as all of this happened i found myself checking out, stopped cooking, stopped cleaning around the house, because he was not helping as much as he should have, has he made changes even when i tried to talk to him about hey are marriage needs help or things aren't right he didn't fully listen or take the time to do anything about it.

It's frustrating that it took this to happen for him to change, to become the man i had been wanting. telling me he rather focuses on the things that matter in our marriage. has he made changes... he even admitted to having an addiction to the computer, which he has stopped after breaking his desktop.telling me he rather focuses on the things that matter in our marriage, wanting to be a better man, anda better huband.yes, these are hard for me to accept that he can make a complete change due to the risk of losing me., do i tell me i wish i was 100 percent yes because i don't like how i treat him at times, i know i have everything i always wanted from him in front of me, but i can accept it.., I got sick last night, and he took care of me. 

reality is my husband who i thought was not happy with our marriage, or thought wanted a divorce, has told me that he has had the tickets need to punch out of this marriage, yet choose to work through the issues we are having and love me flaws and all. choose to work with what has happened, yet i do know he can and may get tired of all the games as he called them.

as for the emotional affair, i was selfish, and did it because i wanted to feel desired. i did tell me, husband, the reaction was anger, but came back to say he could love me through it. but told me it will be much harder to trust me. last time i had contact with other man was early December, after that, I felt guilty and sick to my stomach about what i was doing, even told me, husband, i didn't deserve half the things he was doing for me because of this. i texted the guy for a week, and I knew i was wrong, the guy ended up telling me i was of a waste of time after i told him i cant be doing this.

so am i justify what i did no... i know i hurt a good man, am i still trying to figuring things out within myself yes. Our roles have reversed with the exception that he never cheated or lied to me. he has shown patience, and loving and caring regards of my moods, yet i know that he does not trust me I use running away as an excuse because I have a difficult time handling everything that has happened. and i have to agree i have issues with holding on to anger and being bitter, and i know i cant communicate, so im not excusing my behavior, i made mistakes, and much like i told my husband, i know that i deserve a lot worse, and all he has done is try to be the strong one, and be a better husband, and yet i still find myself confused, unsure as to what i want, and trying to figure myself out.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> and yet i still find myself confused, unsure as to what i want, and trying to figure myself out.


You really don't sound confused about how you FEEL.

You sound confused about what to DO about how you FEEL.

Pretty obvious that your husband no longer floats your boat and there is not much he can do about that.

That shipped has sailed. The dead horse you are beating is really dead. 


So- just file and get off the hamster wheel.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow, thanks for taking the time to write all of that out. The relationship is severely out of balance. He loves you as you are, you want him to be the man you dreamed of. Do you now see why this won't work? More than anything you wanted him to change, and now that you have paid the price to get him to do that for you, you find out that it isn't what you wanted.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Wow, thanks for taking the time to write all of that out. The relationship is severely out of balance. He loves you as you are, you want him to be the man you dreamed of. Do you now see why this won't work? More than anything you wanted him to change, and now that you have paid the price to get him to do that for you, you find out that it isn't what you wanted.


i will agree my marriage is out of balance, as ive mentioned before i have a lot of anger, and am bitter. I understand that he is changing to bea better man for me, but for himself as well. as for loving me for myself, i think its more through the good and the bad. As confused as i am, im still home, still wear my wedding ring, and still kiss him goodbye before work, yet with all that has happened i would like to be better as a person, and asa wife, the decision ive made, are like what another poster wrote...like a 2x4 across the head.. my husband woke up, as for myself im still working on things, and as i asked my husband i may not be the best, but i need him to be strong for us.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Most of us are concerned that your actions are leading to more out of balance. You are the only person who can bring this back to the center. You have to move towards more emotional intimacy, not away from it. I agree that you need him to be strong. What may surprise you is that he needs you to be Strong. Right now you are showing every sign of being flighty.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let me ask you, do you respect your husband as a man and mate? 

Once a woman loses respect for her husband it is usually almost impossible for herto get it back no matter what he does. 

Personally I think you’ve checked out. I see nothing in the way you talk about your husband or in the verbiage you use to describe him that you are in the least bit attracted to him or like him. This goes deeper than just anger and resentment. 

You sound like a woman who predicates her happiness on what others can do for her. That is a setup for failure every time. You see how it worked out with your OM. He was in to you for one thing, and when you started demanding more from him and allowing the drama of your marriage to spoil his attempts to bed you, he dumped you like a rock: like any two-bit hustler would.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> Let me ask you, do you respect your husband as a man and mate?
> 
> Once a woman loses respect for her husband it is usually almost impossible for herto get it back no matter what he does.
> 
> ...


Yes, i do respect my husband as a husband and as a mate, i just very bitter and angry with him. earlier on he asked me if i didnt let him know, and if that was the case id be gone. ill admit he pushed me away, with what he was not bring into our marriage, and as another posted stated, he may be making changes within himself, in a sense ill be the one who needs stop being stubborn and learn to let things go, i personally thought he had checked out last year, and all that he was doing was out of desperation, but after the affair and the lying he has otherwise, shown different than what i thought.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to learn to make yourself happy...in healthy ways. You can’t rely on others for your happiness, especially your spouse. That is not his job.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> Yes, i do respect my husband as a husband and as a mate, i just very bitter and angry with him.


You keep saying over and over again how you are angry. Yes, I understand that. But your husband didn't lie and cheat as you did. He made mistakes too. He wants to improve the marriage. You have the right to hang onto your anger and bitterness. But it will eat you alive. You are coming across as self-pitying and immature. Get counseling. Start making up YOUR mind to get over YOUR anger. You have no control over what anyone else chooses to do in this lifetime. You have very little control over situations. The only thing you can actually control are your feelings/reactions, thoughts, and emotions.

Bottom line: You own your emotions. You can wallow in the negativity or you can make a concerted effort to get better. It is entirely up to you.

P.S. - I could be wrong, but I have the feeling this could be a case of what is frequently heard on TAM: "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." JMO.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I'll probably get knocked for this comment, but oh well.

Your are a selfish and spoiled person. You're a resentful human being that has absolutely no compassion for anyone, but yourself.

You're a cheater, and a damned unremorseful one at that. A cake-eater. And then have the gall to get pissed because your husband doesn't trust you.

This isn't all about him. This **** is all about YOU!

That's your good qualities. Send your husband to me and I'll fix all his problems. It's starts by divorcing you.

I'm out.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Windwalker said:


> I'll probably get knocked for this comment, but oh well.
> 
> Your are a selfish and spoiled person. You're a resentful human being that has absolutely no compassion for anyone, but yourself.
> 
> ...



Pretty much.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> as for communication,* he has started to been wanting to talk more and be more open with his feelings, and i have found myself feeling overwhelmed when we start to talk about the issues that are happening and asked him just to be normal *so we can ease our way back into getting to that point. I know my actions have caused a man who trusted me all these years to lose that trust he had in me. i know how ive been hasn't been fair to him


There's a great way to confuse a spouse, ask for communication, then shut it down when it happens.

Sounds like you are making excuses to start up another conversation with a third party.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here's a video I think you need to apply to your anger.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Read the book "Dance of Anger."


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

just an update took a little time after a lot of the comments, and other things within my life. I recently spoke with my husband on Saturday morning, and told him that of course we are not ok at the moment, i told him that i understand that i have issues with my anger, after how loast year had gone i felt like i was pent up with anger. i told my husband that with there are times where i feel we go two steps foward, but there are other times where we go 5 steps back. An example ofthis was friday night we were having a great evening, until i went to change and saw him outside with the dogs, and i felt like he was invading my privacy, he tells me he walked by and saw me , and that was it, after that point it made me feel uncomfortable within our home. There are times where i want him to just be normal with me, and he has shown to be insecure with what i say and with what i do.
I understand that it was my behavior that casued him to see and react towards me with a lack or trust, and i know i wont be getting that back anytime soon, but there are time where i just want a normal day with him, being the husband that i know. but i understand that until i stop being selfish with what i do, i know ill have to reassure him until he feels ok with the things i do. he did mention as much as he loves me, that if i dont show respect or cant be a team player then maybe he will take the next step with our marriage.
more and more i am finding myself slowly getting past the anger, my reasoning for going back to normal is that we gradually start to fix our problems., and i know that i have been the one having communication problems , along with at times being rude with him, with how i act and how i speak with him, so my hope is to be better for myself tso that i can be better for him and our marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> ... i told him that i understand that i have issues with my anger ...


Yes, we know you acknowledge you have issues. What concrete measures are you taking to remedy this? 



Swrdfish10 said:


> An example ofthis was friday night we were having a great evening, until i went to change and saw him outside with the dogs, and *i felt* like he was invading my privacy, he tells me he walked by and saw me , and that was it, after that point it *made me feel *uncomfortable within our home.


This isn't about your husband at this point. It is SOLELY about YOU. How about you quit pandering to your feelings? Are you in counseling? If not, please RUN, do not walk, to the nearest counselor. You, and you alone, own your anger. Nobody else. This is how you choose to react/behave. 



Swrdfish10 said:


> There are times where *i want* him to just be normal with me, and he has shown to be insecure with what i say and with what i do.
> I understand that it was my behavior that casued him to see and react towards me with a lack or trust, and i know i wont be getting that back anytime soon, but there are time where *i just want* a normal day with him ...


At this point, you haven't done enough to have a "normal" day with him. Again, quit pandering to your feelings. You come across as very selfish and self-centered. Why? Because you keep acknowledging his reactions with a YES-BUT response. "Yes, I messed up, BUT...." "Yes, I was wrong, BUT..."

CUT. IT. OUT. Put on your big girl panties. Take responsibility for what you have done. Leave him out of the equation for now. Focus on being right with yourself. Because, my dear, you sure aren't right with yourself as it stands. Not. One. Bit. Seriously.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> An example ofthis was friday night we were having a great evening, until i went to change and saw him outside with the dogs, and i felt like he was invading my privacy, he tells me he walked by and saw me , and that was it, after that point it made me feel uncomfortable within our home. There are times where i want him to just be normal with me, and he has shown to be insecure with what i say and with what i do.
> .


You have some severe issues if this makes you mad, the only privacy you get in marriage is when you are on the toilet. I think you need psychiatry, not just IC. You drove him to insecurity. You are mad it him for reacting to your selfish behavior. There is no way he can fix any of this, it is essentially 100% on you.l


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> An example ofthis was friday night we were having a great evening, until i went to change and saw him outside with the dogs, and i felt like he was invading my privacy, he tells me he walked by and saw me , and that was it, after that point it made me feel uncomfortable within our home.


Close the blinds. I assume your were inside by a window. That is what my W does. Close the blinds. No one will invade your privacy if you do. As a side note, if I told my W is had seen her through the window while she was changing she would ask me the following in a seductive voice, "Did you see anything you liked?" with cute laugh afterwards. Getting mad or feeling invaded she would not feel. She would however assure the blinds are closed the next time!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh please. 

You’re a drama llama. Plain and simple.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Justa bit of an update

me and my husband took a chance and went out of town together, the trip itself was fun, and me and my husband did laugh, and talk quite a bit. I was able to tell him that i still am having a difficult time forgiving him, much like he told me even though he tries to look past things ive done, he at times feels insecure, and at different times has a hard time trust me with certain things... my work being one of them.... but overall the trip brought us back to a good place, with communicated, and even with the issues we had it felt like how we use to be, i didnt expect everything to be fixed over night......but coming back to reality....

fast forward to this week, my husband has been upset with the number of hours ive been working, the idea that a pre school teacher should not be working 11-12 hours days is not right. a lot of the issues we had come from me using work as a get away from issues at home, so as of yesterday night i found out that he drove my work to make sure ti wasn't lying to him. his reasoning was due to two other instances where i told him i was at my parents and i was at work, and could not get over the fact that he caught me in a lie two other times . even though i texted him i was at my parents he still needed to drive by my work to make sure i wasnt lying to him. When i got home he wasn't here, and i was upset with him because of him, and sat in my car and questioned him why he would feel the need to do such a thing.

even this morning i could not look at him, even felt like i didnt want to kiss him due to how mad i was with him, we had a good week and he ruins it with the need to check on me. i hate being checked up on, yes i know i played my part in causing his insecurities, but i still feel that he should have spoke with me or even asked me. At this point i have nothing to hide, nor am i doing anything wrong.....

i know mistakes i made have caused him to be the way he is... i know he is going to counseling to handle his insecurites, but even as i left for work i could only think of what he told me in regards to how is it easy for him to want to work on out marriage, forgive, and make changes when i make a mistake, yet when he makes a mistake i take things away, and hold it over him, and hold on to being mad...i asked him what he wanted from me, but it still does not make it right. I agreed to marriage counseling in march due to time and my work... so i understand that this is a daily process, yet there are time when his actions( checking to see if im really at work) or even questions set things back( on valentines he asked me if any of my co workers got me anything), with progress that i feel we are making.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> fast foward to this week, my husband has been upset with the number of hours ive been working, the idea that a pre school teacher should not be working 11-12 hours days is not right. a lot of the issues we had come from me using work as a get away from issues at home, so as of yesterday night i found out that he drove my work to make sure ti wasn't *lying* to him. his reasoning was due to two other instances where i told him i was at my parents and i was at work, and could not get over the fact that he caught me in a *lie *two other times . even though i texted him i was at my parents he still needed to drive by my work to make sure i wasnt* lying* to him. When i got home he wasn't here, and i was upset with him because of him, and sat in my car and questioned him why he would feel the need to do such a thing.


Lie, lie and lie with more lies. This is why your H felt the need to do a drive by. Honestly, WTH??? Trust is lost when there is lie after lie. I know this with our teenage daughter who lies.

You act like your are completely innocent here.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Lie, lie and lie with more lies. This is why your H felt the need to do a drive by. Honestly, WTH??? Trust is lost when there is lie after lie. I know this with our teenage daughter who lies.
> 
> You act like your are completely innocent here.



yes i agree with what you saying, my lying in the past created who my husband is at the current moment, he did mention that never i our marriage did he even feel the need to do anything like this, but it took one lie to question my intergity, do i understand why he did it yes... but it still usets me that he do that, even when im trying to text him, and reasure him, all he has asked for is communication to call or text him, i get why he needs reasuance, but i feel that i should not change what im doing if im not doing anything wrong....

he tells me that he felt bad for checking on me, and hates being this way with me, he tried to apologize to me for it, but i told him that he could say all right things, i just feel that it doesn't make it right. he can tell me that he can forgive me, but his actions show me that he hasnt, and that he still holds it over me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> yes i agree with what you saying, my lying in the past created who my husband is at the current moment, he did mention that never i our marriage did he even feel the need to do anything like this, but it took one lie to question my intergity, do i understand why he did it yes... but it still usets me that he do that, even when im trying to text him, and reasure him, all he has asked for is communication to call or text him, i get why he needs reasuance, but i feel that i should not change what im doing if im not doing anything wrong....
> 
> he tells me that he felt bad for checking on me, and hates being this way with me, he tried to apologize to me for it, but i told him that he could say all right things, i just feel that it doesn't make it right.


Apologizing for your lying and having insecurities about it? Interesting. 

You don't feel it is NOT right your H checked up on you after the lying. The lying from you is a non-issue. Your H should just accept it. Apologize. Got it. 

Your H hate for being this way with you was caused all by....you. Your H apologizes. You get mad and resent.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Swrdfish10 said:


> yes i agree with what you saying, my lying in the past created who my husband is at the current moment, he did mention that never i our marriage did he even feel the need to do anything like this, but it took one lie to question my intergity, do i understand why he did it yes... but it still usets me that he do that, even when im trying to text him, and reasure him, all he has asked for is communication to call or text him, i get why he needs reasuance, but i feel that i should not change what im doing if im not doing anything wrong....
> 
> he tells me that he felt bad for checking on me, and hates being this way with me, he tried to apologize to me for it, but i told him that he could say all right things, i just feel that it doesn't make it right.


The way to help your husband be less insecure to so show him over and over that he can trust you. In addition, if you continue to become impatient and angry when he is trying build some trust and confidence, your relationship can not improve. Only you know if this is a relationship you want to keep. If it is, then it will require you to go all out showing love, empathy, and reassurance.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Apologizing for your lying and having insecurities about it? Interesting.
> 
> You don't feel it is NOT right your H checked up on you after the lying. The lying from you is a non-issue. Your H should just accept it. Apologize. Got it.
> 
> Your H hate for being this way with you was caused all by....you. Your H apologizes. You get mad and resent.



what upset me is my husband had to check up on me, i got so upset that i wanted to go take a drive to clear my head, so upset that i pushed him twice due to being mad with him, and all he could do is try and talk with me with a shocked look on his face. i don't expect him to forget, he even mentioned that it took one lie to have him question me, it took two lies for him to not believe what im saying.

him apologizing was that it had to come to this, me acknowledging that i created what he has become, and me being mad is based on the fact that he is checking up on me , when im doing nothing wrong... ive texted him and told him what ill be doing. i dont expect him to forget the past, but id hope he would have faith in me.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Steve1000 said:


> The way to help your husband be less insecure to so show him over and over that he can trust you. In addition, if you continue to become impatient and angry when he is trying build some trust and confidence, your relationship can not improve. Only you know if this is a relationship you want to keep. If it is, then it will require you to go all out showing love, empathy, and reassurance.


it hasnt been so much impatient and angry, the last week and a half we have made progress, ive been more patient, and less critical with him, and progress has been made, it more of when he does things like checking up on me like he did last night to see if im telling the truth and not taking my word for it, or questioning me with my phone or other things that i feel makes me feel that we take two steps forward and five steps back.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> what upset me is my husband had to check up on me, i got so upset that i wanted to go take a drive to clear my head, so upset that i pushed him twice due to being mad with him, and all he could do is try and talk with me with a shocked look on his face. i don't expect him to forget, he even mentioned that it took one lie to have him question me, it took two lies for him to not believe what im saying.
> 
> him apologizing was that it had to come to this, me acknowledging that i created what he has become, and me being mad is based on the fact that he is checking up on me , when im doing nothing wrong... ive texted him and told him what ill be doing. i dont expect him to forget the past, but id hope he would have faith in me.


All it takes is one lie.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> All it takes is one lie.



i get that, but does it make it right for him to check up on me, when i told him id be at my parents? thing is this is the third time he has done this since January,... i told him this morning that its creepy that he is doing this, or that he would even have to go by my work like that. i kow my lieing casued this, but there has to be moment where he has to believe what im saying, much like i said im not going to change what im doing, because i know im not cheating on him, or doing anything else wrong.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Swrdfish10 said:


> it hasnt been so much impatient and angry, the last week and a half we have made progress, ive been more patient, and less critical with him, and progress has been made, it more of when he does things like checking up on me like he did last night to see if im telling the truth and not taking my word for it, or questioning me with my phone or other things that i feel makes me feel that we take two steps forward and five steps back.


These are the times when you will need to be understanding and show empathy and reassure him. When I got engaged, I soon discovered that my then girlfriend had cheated on me two years earlier during the first five months of our relationship. After postponing the wedding date indefinitely, I demand transparency if we were to continue. After daily monitoring for almost two years, I eventually grew bored with checking and that was because she had been completely loyal and trustworthy for a long time. Although our marriage has its own shortcomings, lack of trust is now not one of them. We're both very transparent. 

Conversely, I have never cheated on her, but I would not be offended if she felt insecure about something decided to have a glance at my phone.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> i get that, *but does it make it right for him to check up on me, when i told him id be at my parents?* thing is this is the third time he has done this since January,... i told him this morning that its creepy that he is doing this, or that he would even have to go by my work like that. i kow my lieing casued this, but there has to be moment where he has to believe what im saying, much like i said im not going to change what im doing, because i know im not cheating on him, or doing anything else wrong.


Well, you lied about your where-abouts previously. So yes, IMO, I don't blame your H. Kind of creepy lying about your location and texting another man. It is also very deceiving. Sure, you know you are not doing anything wrong(currently) but when you were doing wrong(texting OM and lying) your were doing wrong. Your H was just bumbling along non-the-wiser trusting you. Well, you blew that up. Back to square one. 

Trust is earned. When lost it is very hard to re-establish.

You see your lying as really a non-issue and your H should just accept you are on the level with all things. Will not happen with your H or anyone else in the same situation for that matter. You created this. Allow you H to processing and get the trust back from your actions.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Swrdfish10 said:


> there has to be moment where he has to believe what im saying,


Again, this takes time and patience on your part. He cannot force himself to completely trust you without seeing that you are trustworthy and that you love him.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Well, you lied about your where-abouts previously. So yes, IMO, I don't blame your H. Kind of creepy lying about your location and texting another man. It is also very deceiving. Sure, you know you are not doing anything wrong(currently) but when you were doing wrong(texting OM and lying) your were doing wrong. Your H was just bumbling along non-the-wiser trusting you. Well, you blew that up. Back to square one.
> 
> Trust is earned. When lost it is very hard to re-establish.
> 
> You see your lying as really a non-issue and your H should just accept you are on the level with all things. Will not happen with your H or anyone else in the same situation for that matter. You created this. Allow you H to processing and get the trust back from your actions.


ive acknowledged my lying to him, and understand that it is the reason he is the way he is at the moment. yet im more mad that he would check up on me, it makes me question if he is always checking up on me, or what else he is doing, i even questioned him this morning asking why my purse was open..... of course he denied doing anything, which was true, but my thing im at the point where when will enough be enough.
in my mind im wondering is he checking on me all the time, is he going through my purse, i know i threw out certain privacy with my actions, but even with reassurance when will enough be enough. 
he tells me


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> i get that, but does it make it right for him to check up on me, when i told him id be at my parents? thing is this is the third time he has done this since January,... i told him this morning that its creepy that he is doing this, or that he would even have to go by my work like that. i kow my lieing casued this, but there has to be moment where he has to believe what im saying, much like i said im not going to change what im doing, because i know im not cheating on him, or doing anything else wrong.


my wife has lied to me a lot in the past. when she got angry at me for fact checking her, it told me one thing: she does not feel safe because she knows i might catch her in a lie. which means she really just wants me to stop checking because she wants to be able to get away with lying.

you can call it whatever you want, but the fact that you get angry at him for fact checking you is a HUGE red flag that means you still have something to hide. or at least that you WANT to be able to hide things.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> my wife has lied to me a lot in the past. when she got angry at me for fact checking her, it told me one thing: she does not feel safe because she knows i might catch her in a lie. which means she really just wants me to stop checking because she wants to be able to get away with lying.
> 
> you can call it whatever you want, but the fact that you get angry at him for fact checking you is a HUGE red flag that means you still have something to hide. or at least that you WANT to be able to hide things.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> As'laDain said:
> 
> 
> > my wife has lied to me a lot in the past. when she got angry at me for fact checking her, it told me one thing: she does not feel safe because she knows i might catch her in a lie. which means she really just wants me to stop checking because she wants to be able to get away with lying.
> ...


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> Swrdfish10 said:
> 
> 
> > is it any easier for you to not get upset than it is for him to suddenly be able to trust someone who lies to him?
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> As'laDain said:
> 
> 
> > you make perfect sense, i feel at the moment i as mad, and even this morning it carried over, i told him last night just to let it go... but he wanted to talk about it, my normal respinse is to use my phone to avoid conversation, i had asked him for some time to come down from it, yet he wanted to talk telling him he should have just trusted me, and not jump the gun....so as i told him i know part of this is my fault, but i am unhappy with him checking my work.... truth is ive been selfish with a lot that ive been doing.... i told him last night that i know at times im not the best with him, i can be rude, and ungratful, anda lot of it stems from me not letting go ....so as another person mentioned i got mad and i resent...even when he is apologetic, and ask that we move on from this.
> ...


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> Swrdfish10 said:
> 
> 
> > you sound like someone who is constantly afraid that the people you love are going to wake up one day and decide that you just aren't worth it. like, if they REALLY knew the REAL you, they would KNOW you aren't worth it.
> ...


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

in many ways its not as easy for me to just to move on from being hurt, my husband tends to focus on forgiving and working things out, while i still hold onto things.... last night upset me more because i did nothing wrong, i understand why he would feel that way, but at the same time i don't like the idea of being checked on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

i had no intention of lying to him, prior to me going to my parents* i had asked him to come with me,* thats why i got upset that he felt the need to check on me.[/QUOTE]

Did you offer this tid bit of information up to us earlier today? 

Instead of getting angry, you could have said, "Why did you show up here when I told you I was coming to my parents? Here I am as I stated I would be. Working on the trust! " Left it at that. It is the beginning process in gaining trust back. Lashing out will not help.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> As'laDain said:
> 
> 
> > My husband has told me before that it seems that there are two different sides of me, the one i show at work, and who i show to my husband at times. in regards to be scared yes there is fear there, but if im being hinest ive yet to forgive my husband for how he was with me.....as posted before he has shown changes to himself and how he apporachs me and our marriage, but its moments like him being insecure or checking on me like he did that set us back. ive told him that i will be an open book with him
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> Swrdfish10 said:
> 
> 
> > ok. well, i can tell you this: from what i have seen from issues like this, your husband is most likely going to leave you because you have chosen to be a terrible person to him.
> ...


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> i had no intention of lying to him, prior to me going to my parents* i had asked him to come with me,* thats why i got upset that he felt the need to check on me.


Did you offer this tid bit of information up to us earlier today? 

Instead of getting angry, you could have said, "Why did you show up here when I told you I was coming to my parents? Here I am as I stated I would be. Working on the trust! " Left it at that. It is the beginning process in gaining trust back. Lashing out will not help.[/QUOTE]



yes i forgot to mention that last bit of information. As for lashing out at my husband, for me it just goes back to the choice he made in checking to see if i was at work when i was at my parents. he choice was made on as mentioned before the lies i had given him previously in terms of that same scenario. does my lieing make it right..no, but i dont feel that i should have to worry about my husband checking up on me, ive told him that i find it creepy. in addtion to when snooped through my bag, and saw me through the window, or the other two times he caught me in my lies.

So what was a great week that we were having together came crashing down with everything that had been going on. much like i said it feels like 3 steps foward, and 5 steps back


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> As'laDain said:
> 
> 
> > reading that and seeing no more from the post should have given you a second to emotionally respond to that statement.
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> Did you offer this tid bit of information up to us earlier today?
> 
> Instead of getting angry, you could have said, "Why did you show up here when I told you I was coming to my parents? Here I am as I stated I would be. Working on the trust! " Left it at that. It is the beginning process in gaining trust back. Lashing out will not help.






Swrdfish10 said:


> yes i forgot to mention that last bit of information. As for lashing out at my husband, for me it just goes back to the choice he made in checking to see if i was at work when i was at my parents. he choice was made on as mentioned before the lies i had given him previously in terms of that same scenario. does my lieing make it right..no, but i dont feel that* i should have to worry about my husband checking up on me*, ive told him that i find it creepy. in addtion to when snooped through my bag, and saw me through the window, or the other two times he caught me in my lies.
> 
> So what was a great week that we were having together came crashing down with everything that had been going on. much like i said it feels like 3 steps foward, and 5 steps back


On the same token, your H should not have to worry about needing to check up on you. However, the reality is you brought this on. Until you understand that and accept your H will need to process this on his own terms it will never work.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> in many ways its not as easy for me to just to move on from being hurt, my husband tends to focus on forgiving and working things out, while i still hold onto things.... last night upset me more because i did nothing wrong, i understand why he would feel that way, but at the same time i don't like the idea of being checked on.


Too bad. 

Actions have consequences. If you don't like it, stop lying...or stop being in a relationship.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Swrdfish10 said:


> As'laDain said:
> 
> 
> > my response to my husband possibly leaving? as angry as i am with my husband i love my husband and am still in love with him despite it being hard with how he pushed me away, with his issue he was having with communication. im still home, even with the emotional affair in december, and me lying to him, he has been opento working it out, but has shown to be losing patience, he is working on our marriage, while im still learning how to figure myself out.
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> As'laDain said:
> 
> 
> > my response to my husband possibly leaving? as angry as i am with my husband i love my husband and am still in love with him despite it being hard with how he pushed me away, with his issue he was having with communication. im still home, even with the emotional affair in december, and me lying to him, he has been opento working it out, but has shown to be losing patience, he is working on our marriage, while im still learning how to figure myself out.
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> @Uptown


my thoughts exactly...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Wow this thread is interesting. 
If you were a mm and said your spouse was withholding sex they would have told you to divorce or outsource. 

BTW woman here.
First you do need to sit down and really explore your feelings. You don't sound in love. It sounds like you stopped loving him when he didn't want to have sex, wasn't helping around the house and didn't want to have a baby.
Please correct anything that isn't true in my assumptions/ reading

Second you state he withdrew affection and was addicted to a computer. Many men get addicted to computer porn and masterbation. Do you know if he was watching porn while ignoring you? And lots of people have emotional affairs with other online people often through character games. Has he actually talked about why he rejected sex for so long?

Third you've said you had a texting affair are we talking flirting or sexting? With whom? Someone you actually know? I get confused did you tell your husband or not?

This is a breach of trust and your husband will most likely always check on you. If this is a deal breaker as it gets you should just give up now. He sounds like he was insecure before so he's now got a lifetime pass for checking up on you.

My advice sit down figure out if you actually want to save the marriage. If you do you are going to have to get past the anger because treating him poorly is just plain wrong. But I think you may not be in love with him anymore. The MC is a good idea but you might need IC as well. 

Has he flipped a switch on sex and a baby? I know you mentioned you now sometimes withhold now but what are we talking here? Of course right now you two should not have a baby as your marriage isn't stable but if he doesn't really want a baby at all it is better to get out early than later. But let's pretend you have a baby how are you going to take care of it working 11-12 hours a day?


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

anastasia6 said:


> Wow this thread is interesting.
> If you were a mm and said your spouse was withholding sex they would have told you to divorce or outsource.
> 
> BTW woman here.
> ...


To be honest i had asked him in the past abouth having kids, in September he told me he was on board, janurary, feburay march lets get this started as he said he has wanteda child, but wasnt to type to get into full detials about what he was feeling towrds it, even now he seems sad that we are not trying. As for sex he is more willing to want it. As for withholding sex, do i want my husband yes, but i dont feel its fair to have it with my husband when im not at 100 percent , yet he is. As for work i started a new job which he encourged me to take, and now he regrets introducing me too it. I guess im working long hours to learn my job better, and at times to avoid stress at home. to be honest it feels as if we have switched roles, he is now the great guy who is willing to admit that he is more than willing to address his own issues, and make changes he needs become better for himself and for us. I will agree with you, i hve yet to get past my anger, and will admit i have been resentful towards him, has it gotten better yes, but as ive told him i want very much accpt all that he is doing , but i don't want to go through this two years down the road with a baby.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

Quote:
Originally Posted by anastasia6
Wow this thread is interesting. 
If you were a mm and said your spouse was withholding sex they would have told you to divorce or outsource. 

BTW woman here.
First you do need to sit down and really explore your feelings. You don't sound in love. It sounds like you stopped loving him when he didn't want to have sex, wasn't helping around the house and didn't want to have a baby.
Please correct anything that isn't true in my assumptions/ reading

This would be correct, when it came to talking about sex, or intamcy he had a difficult time with talking about it, at times he was uncomfortable with the subject. He was not always like this. shortly after his hernia surgery, and difficulty with a job he became different in terms of affection and talking about what was going on with him. As for love, I love my husband vvery much, and he asked me when we were away on vaction if i loved him, i told him yes, but it is hard due to how he pushed me away.

Second you state he withdrew affection and was addicted to a computer. Many men get addicted to computer porn and masterbation. Do you know if he was watching porn while ignoring you? And lots of people have emotional affairs with other online people often through character games. Has he actually talked about why he rejected sex for so long?

yes, after these past few months he has become an open book, he has talked about how he did not handle stressors at work along with issues that he was having within himself correctly, and in turn took it out on out marriage by shutting down when the difficult subject came up. as for porn no masturbation no, it was video games which he used to avoid things that were going on within us, as of December he has stopped completely. his rejection was based on how he was feeling, self-esteem, in addition to 

Third you've said you had a texting affair are we talking flirting or sexting? With whom? Someone you actually know? I get confused did you tell your husband or not?

texting ffair was with a random guy, i met at a store... i was at the point where i wanted to be desired, so i went out and i texted the guy in december for about a week, and told my husband about it after the new year. I have stopped texting with the guy in decmeber after he had told me i was a waste of time, pure texting no pics or sexting. Believe it or not i cant forgivev myself for it, but have yet to fully address it with my husband with who it was. 

This is a breach of trust and your husband will most likely always check on you. If this is a deal breaker as it gets you should just give up now. He sounds like he was insecure before so he's now got a lifetime pass for checking up on you.

As for my husband being insecure, prior to all this, he was always secure with all that i did, i had his complete trust. and the most diffcult part for him is that this is new ground for him. Does he ask question yes, do i get upset yes, but i know i did my part to make this happen. 

My advice sit down figure out if you actually want to save the marriage. If you do you are going to have to get past the anger because treating him poorly is just plain wrong. But I think you may not be in love with him anymore. The MC is a good idea but you might need IC as well. 

Has he flipped a switch on sex and a baby? I know you mentioned you now sometimes withhold now but what are we talking here? Of course right now you two should not have a baby as your marriage isn't stable but if he doesn't really want a baby at all it is better to get out early than later. But let's pretend you have a baby how are you going to take care of it working 11-12 hours a day?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Swrdfish10 said:


> As for lashing out at my husband, for me it just goes back to the choice he made in checking to see if i was at work when i was at my parents.


You seem to say "Yes, but ..." a lot. Do you realize that? The reason I bring it up is you keep ALMOST taking responsibility for your behavior/actions. Almost every time, you will admit wrong doing, but then it boils down - from what you are writing - that you husband is the REASON you react the way you do. Uh, no. YOU alone choose how you wish to behave and react. And that's the thing - you REACT. Your choice. Not his. Not because of what he does. You come across as someone who seems almost incapable of owning your behavior without bringing your husband into the picture.

Your husband simply does not have the power to control how you behave. Sorry, but it's all on you. 




Swrdfish10 said:


> ... does my lieing make it right..no, but *i dont feel *that i should have to worry about my husband checking up on me, ive told him that i find it creepy. in addtion to when snooped through my bag, and saw me through the window, or the other two times he caught me in my lies.
> 
> So what was a great week that we were having together came crashing down with everything that had been going on. much like i said* it feels *like 3 steps foward, and 5 steps back


As long as you keep marinating in your feelings and basing those feelings on reacting to your husband, you are going to have a crummy marriage. I honestly don't think you understand what I am saying, but I'm a sucker for a lost cause, so here goes: You LIED. You are living out your life based on making someone else responsible for how you feel. Basing your reality on your feelings is not going to work. Why? Because feelings change and aren't always accurate. Just ask someone who "feels" guilty for not saving someone from suicide. 

People are going to do what they are going to do. You can't control your husband's behavior, only your own. Until you get that fundamental truth into your head and stop with the "Yes, but ..." nonsense, you are going to have a lousy marriage.

JMO.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> The doubts and fears i speak of being hurt by him again or him going back to the way he use to be,


Swrdfish, I agree with @*Farside*, @*Prodigal*, @*As'la* and the other posters that you seem to be describing two very strong fears -- of abandonment and engulfment -- that are producing very intense feelings. Your problem seems to be that, like all other human beings, you are getting a distorted view of other peoples' intentions and motivations whenever you experience very intense feelings. 



> Is it wrong for to ask for space? ...all ive asked is for us to ease back into things, not to go too heavy into the conversation, being that with all the emotions i have its overwhelming.


This "overwhelming" feeling you experience likely is the great fear of engulfment I mentioned above. Although you crave intimacy like nearly everyone else does, you probably cannot tolerate it for very long before you start feeling controlled and suffocated by your H. It may even be a scary feeling of losing your self identity into his strong personality.

If that is happening, your subconscious will protect you by projecting that suffocating feeling onto your H. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, you will consciously be convinced that he really is the cause of your discomfort and engulfment. This is why you will create a fight over some small issue to push him away so you get the space you need.



> i just don't get how even with all of this how he has been supportive, telling me he can love me through this, just as long as I'm honest with him.


Your inability to believe he will continue to love you is a sign you have the second great fear I mentioned above -- that of abandonment. 



> i know that i have been the one having communication problems.


If what you say is accurate, your main problem doesn't seem to be due to a lack of communication skills. Instead, it seems to be caused by the position of your two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the _very same_ spectrum. This means you and your H are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as your H moves close to comfort you and assure you of his love, he will start triggering your engulfment fear, making you feel like you're being suffocated and controlled by him. Yet, as he backs away to give you breathing space, he will find that he has started triggering your abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where he can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears.



> we had a good week and he ruins it with the need to check on me. i hate being checked up on


No, he did not ruin it by checking up on you. Rather, his checking on you -- a perfectly reasonable thing to do -- likely triggered your fear of engulfment, i.e., that uncomfortable, suffocating feeling you get that makes you feel like he is trying to control and dominate you.



> So what was a great week that we were having together came crashing down with everything that had been going on.


If you have a great fear of engulfment, as I suspect, you likely will experience it immediately after the very BEST of times -- i.e., after "a great week," after a great vacation, or after a very intimate evening spent together. It is the closeness and intimacy that you have trouble dealing with when it is sustained for too long a period. As noted above, it occurs whenever he draws close to you for very long.



> i get why he needs reassurance, but i feel that i should not change what im doing if im not doing anything wrong.


As all the other respondents have told you, you likely are doing something wrong. If I had to guess, I would say that your inability to manage your two fears is producing a build up of extremely hurtful feelings. In order to relieve you of that severe pain, your subconscious projects most of it onto your H. That is, your subconscious is protecting you from pain by using your H as a "trashcan" into which the hurtful feelings can be dumped. The pain is greatly reduced by externalizing it, i.e., by believing that it is originating from OUTSIDE your body, not from INSIDE.



> I agreed to marriage counseling in march due to time and my work.


As @*Happy as a clam *advised, _"Forget the marriage counseling for now. You should get yourself in for some individual counseling."_ Although MCs usually are good at teaching communication skills, what you're describing seems to go far beyond a communication problem. It seems to involve the two fears described above. An IC can help you learn how to better manage those two fears so that your feelings become less intense, allowing you to more clearly see your H's true intentions and motivations.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

@Uptown

thank you for what you wrote it made me look at myself, and think a little different about how I'm approaching myself and my marriage. 

Just an update since i last wrote things has been getting better, ive more patience and a willingness to talk and be more part of our marriage. in many ways things have slowly gotten back to normal in some ways within our marriage... i myself have looked into getting IC, due to the issues i have with letting go of past hurts.

yet last night set things back....i talk to my husband about a friends marriage, the conversation goes well until it says" thinking of their marriage, and ours, i feel that we have a great marriage despite our problems" i respond to him with lets no bring our mariage into this, and tell him well with us it either it works or it doesnt...... he gets upset, and hurt, and begins to ask questions, and at that point i ask him just to drop it, and as the night contunies 4 different times he wants to talk about things, i get up[set and tell him i need space to think things out, yet he begins to tell him how selfish ive been, and how is it that i can show errors are made he is willing to forgive, yet I still hold on to things. as the night progressed him leave the house to cool down, at that point i didn't want to be around him, even when i get home i tell him we should sleep in separate rooms, yet he still refuses to drop things, telling me sleeping in separate rooms wont solve things, and we should not good to bed mad like this... and i need to stop being so immature about this, and be able to talk it out.

even this morning i was upset with everything that had happened that i left my wedding ring at home, and just wore the band... It felt as if my husband was questioning my love for him....him refusal to just drop things, and asking him why is it ok that i point out all of his wrongs in the past, yet with me i avoid them.... he brought up emotional affair, and the lies, and how i do all i can to avoid bringing them up, 

at this point things had been going great, we been talking more, and working through our issues, and its stupid things like this that he does that shows me things have not changed, i though me and him were beyond moments like this, i know no couple is perfect, but i feel it he really wanted to respect me, and give me what i anted he would have just dropped the topic.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

ive mentioned this before, but it feels as if me and him have switched roles, im not trying to hurt him intentionally, and i know my words hae an impact on him.... im sure me not wearing my wedding rings effected him aswell, but as many of you had mentioned i know i need to begin the IC for my own good, i also know that our communication isn't the best, last night i rasied my voice, and would talk over him, while he pretends to be mr perfect, and acts as if he does nothing wrong when, and calls me out as if i dont own up to my actions or words.

At this point, the frustrating part is coming to terms of my actions of the past , and with what i created with my husband.... by my actions i dont understand how he can just move forward and pretend as if nothing happened, even this moring he response was its new day, lets havea great one, while i still have a difficult time letting go or moving on from hurt.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you got frustrated and ticked off when your husband wanted to discuss some issues and suggested sleeping in separate bedrooms. Got it. It's not okay for him to hold onto things if you decide he shouldn't hang onto them. He's got to shut up, because you are not willing or ready to discuss. Yet YOU can hold onto your resentment towards him. Again, got it.

How old are you anyway? Because from what I'm reading, you are too damn immature to be married. You came here asking for advice, but you sound like a broken record. This is a classic example of what I call "lather-rinse-repeat." 

Get into IC now. I don't think anyone can help you here. Sorry.


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## Swrdfish10 (Jan 30, 2018)

i suggested we sleep in seperate rooms when he wasnt giving me my space, and at that point, it was due to me not wanting to be around him, with how upset i was...... with the fct that he would not drop the discussion, his reasoning was how can i say somthing and expect him not to react.

As for IC, i am planning on starting next week, and as for immature in my marriage yes there are points and areas where for me within my marriage this is new to me in terms of being in this situation. it just feels that my husband is the type that needs reasurance

as for beinga broken record, a lot of what is happening with my marriage is new to me, and a lot of what people have shared have been useful, yet im still learning or trying to learn.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

like other user have posted, its either you want to work on your marriage or you dont..... your husband it seems is letting you off the hook, and the fact that you cant meet him half ways in terms of emotions is scary. were human, but what does it mean to you knowing that you husband is working on the marriage? there will be no magic wand that will take away arguments or pain of the past, but is it really worth missing out on what seems ot be a moment where you marriage can be stronger than what it was?


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