# Unaffectionate Marriage



## meggiepoo (Dec 21, 2011)

I have been with my husband for three years and married for one. For the first six months of our relationship, my husband was so thoughtful and affectionate. We have gone through a lot in the past three years. He has cheated on me several times with his former girlfriend in the first year of our relationship, since that has happened there has been a major change in how he treats me. Dont get me wrong, my husband isnt mean to me, but I feel like I am living with a good friend instead of living with my husband. We hardly have sex, hes never affectionate towards me, I buy him gifts and in the past three years he has NEVER bought me one gift. Our first Christmas, I bought him pots and pans and things that he needed, he said, "Oh, I feel bad, I didnt get you anything.". Valentines day I bought him cologne. For his birthday we went out to dinner. For my birthday, Christmas or Valentines Day, he did nothing for me. I dont expect a gift, I just would like to be thought of from time to time. For this Christmas, I bought him a grill and one of his favorite whiskeys. I already know, he didnt buy me anything. I love my husband more than anything. He is my life and world but, I would like like for us to have some passion and romance in our relationship. Ive spoke to him about this several times and nothing has changed. I am so unhappy and he doesnt seem to notice or care. What should I do?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think the cheating part tells alot about him. You need to stop making him the center of your life and start focusing on yourself. Learn some of the 180 and stop giving him all the power.

You will look more attractive showing more independence.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yup, I agree. Stop buying him gifts. Stop thinking about him all the time.

The 180 for a woman can mean doing some of these things:

-Do your own laundry, not his.
-Go to the gym after work, don't be around when he gets home. 
-Start making plans with friends on the weekend during the day. Let him know where you are, but just get out of the house without him
-Don't call him during the day. 
- do not buy him gifts. Return the ones you bought, or put them away for later in the year.
-Do not talk about the relationship
-Do not initiate sex, ever
-Be pleasant. Always say good morning, answer his calls, tell him where you are going, call only if you are going to be late, be affecionate in only a non-sexual way
-Get VERY serious about finding your own hobbies! You should be busy busy busy with your OWN life. 
-Spend your time looking into your goals. What do you want to do with your life? Happy with your job? 


What do you do for fun?


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## meggiepoo (Dec 21, 2011)

I think you both are right, I do revolve my life around my husband and put him on a pedestal and in the process I do feel like I do not have a life of my own. I dont have many friends, and thats because I don't like to be away from him. I do think my husband doesn't fully appreciate me. I will start doing things for myself more often.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Once you start focusing on yourself and get your confidence back, you may think differently about the cheating. I'm refraining from pointing that out. 

This a good opportunity for you to make new friends! Winter is a good time to take classes -- cooking, crafts, you name it. Do you live in an area where there is a community college? Do you work?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont advise you to do that. You will lose your H altogether. It may not be a bad thing but its not what you want. Why did you marry him knowing by then what he was like. Did you force him into it. You say youve spoken but you havent told us what he said. Maybe youre not really listening to him at all. I wouldnt go asking for presents all the time. There is much more to do first. You dont write you have arguments, no other poster writes that. That is a bad sign. Is he just scared to argue with you and prefers a quiet life. You write you dont have sex. When you did, did you expect something in return. You write he doesnt notice or care. I think you go about things the wrong way.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Accept,
Don't advise she does what? She should just continue to buy him presents and live with being ignored and cheated on? She will lose a husband isn't really a H to her in the first place?

Self esteem. Grow a pair first and then see how you feel about what's sleeping next to you.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Yes exactly that. That is if she wants to keep him. Please read the rest of my post.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Gotcha, good point not asking for presents.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

So you knew a guy who was good to you for 6 months, then cheated on you for another 6. After that, the romance was gone and you felt you were just friends for 2 years, and yet you married the guy?

The problem is not with your husband, it's with you. You have a severe lack of self-respect that you would allow yourself to be put in this situation. Your problems with your husband are just a symptom of that.

No guy is so awesome, that after only 6 months of casual dating, you should seek to reconcile after cheating. I'm guessing you have some sort of issue with abandonment or abuse that keeps you hooked into toxic relationships. You need to go to IC to work out your issues.


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## meggiepoo (Dec 21, 2011)

I forgave him for cheating and the situation isn't so black and white. My husband is good to me, he takes good care of me, he cooks and cleans and trays me well, he's just not as affectionate as I'd like for him to be. I'm not in an abusive relationship neither physically nor mentally, and we never fight or yell at one another. My husband is my beat friend and we have gone through a lot together. I'm just trying to figure out what to do about the gift and affection situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Good advice here. For men, who have unresponsive wives, they should also become familiar with the 180 for men. 

Stop buying her gifts. Stop thinking about her all the time.

The 180 for a man can mean doing some of these things:

-Do your own housework, not hers.
-Go to the gym after work, don't be around when she is home. 
-Start making plans with friends on the weekend during the day. Let her know where you are, but just get out of the house without her
-Don't call her during the day. 
- Do not buy her gifts. Return the ones she bought, or put them away for later in the year.
-Do not talk about the relationship
-Do not initiate sex.
-Be pleasant. Always say good morning, answer her calls, tell her where you are going, call only if you are going to be late, be affecionate in only a non-sexual way
-Get VERY serious about finding your own hobbies! You should be busy busy busy with your OWN life. 
-Spend your time looking into your goals. What do you want to do with your life? Happy with your job? 

What do you do for fun?[/QUOTE]


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