# S e x



## raising5boyz

Ok so first off....I love sex....LOVE SEX! However, I really like to keep it within a relationship. It seems I may be the only one who feels this way! How bout all of you? What are your feelings about sex within or outside of a serious relationship? 

Is there any men out there that feel sex should be kept inside a serious relationship? 

Another issue....why are so many men into threesomes and stuff like that? I fanatsize about that stuff sometimes, but really I want it all to stay a fantasy.

Please chime in....


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## Lon

If I was 20 years old again and could simply get an erection at will, if I knew then what I know now I'd be all about trying to get all the casual sex I could get. Of course, I was all about that, I just sucked at it as bad then as I do now, except now the equipment only works when sufficiently coaxed, and I have to schedule relationships around my career and my family.

It's nice to see you on here again R5B!


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## Corpuswife

I guess it's all different for different folks! I'm not the casual sex gal. I want to be in a monogamous relationship...I don't think I was wired for the casual lifestyle.


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## wiigirl

Corpuswife said:


> I guess it's all different for different folks! I'm not the casual sex gal. I want to be in a monogamous relationship...I don't think I was wired for the casual lifestyle.












Same here....but...I also quit worring about labeling things. So much less stressful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

It would be a huge turn off for me to know that the girl I was with or wanting to get intimate with was with someone else recently.. How recently? I dont know the time frames, I just know that I'd rather have a woman with some reservations, and save the freaky good stuff for the monogamous relationship.

The "open" door policy has me kinda apprehensive about "funk".


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## Shoeguy

I'm in Shoo's court. Coming out of a long term relationship and only being with three women in my time the thought of casual sex is hard for me to grasp.

Although I need to consider that times have changed since 1988 and now I'm an adult. I have the option to say no if the time arises and I'm not ready to take that step. Hopefully the woman I'm with at the time understands and respects that. If not, she might not be the one for me.

Threesome...for me it is hard enough to focus on one girl to make sure she is being satisfied. Not sure I could split my focus on two women. A threesome with two guys is out of the question for me. LOL

Shoeguy


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## southbound

raising5boyz said:


> Ok so first off....I love sex....LOVE SEX! However, I really like to keep it within a relationship. It seems I may be the only one who feels this way! How bout all of you? What are your feelings about sex within or outside of a serious relationship?
> 
> Is there any men out there that feel sex should be kept inside a serious relationship?
> 
> Another issue....why are so many men into threesomes and stuff like that? I fanatsize about that stuff sometimes, but really I want it all to stay a fantasy.
> 
> Please chime in....


I'm with you. 

When I was married, I really enjoyed sex, but now that I'm divorced, It's not really something that i give a lot of thought. I guess being around the woman i loved everyday was what fueled that desire.

I notice that some people think that even though a guy is single and not looking for a serious relationship, he is still out having sex on a regular basis, but I prefer that for a serious relationship.


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## Nsweet

I had sex after 18 months of celibacy keeping faithful to my half of the marriage. She was a beautiful cougar, she was twice my age, the sex....... was boring as hell. She seemed to be into it more than me and God knows I really put effort into it, but my heart wasn't in it. To me without lots of foreplay the first time and lots of kissing, it was just a mechanical act and more of the same old same old. I went home without getting off and felt no different than before. 

I know I'm younger than most of you but I prefer the married life. ONS's suck, Threesomes are more trouble than they're worth, and anal isn't something you should try all the time. The sex you get from knowing the same person and actually caring about them is the best. Sure you have to work a little harder to keep the spice in your love life and keep her attracted but It's worth all the trouble!

To be honest that first ice breaking sex is fun, and it can be great if you know what you're doing, but it's the most nervous sex you'll ever have. You don't know what they like and it's all about trial and error to hit those buttons, but it can't make up for that feeling you get from cuddling and being in love.


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## Emma1981

I feel like I already sowed my oats prior to marriage - which was one of the reasons I got married. Now going into divorce, I feel the same - I did it all and would rather wait for the long haul.


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## mule kick

My ex found another man pretty quickly. That kind of adds to the sexual anxiety. It helps that the two of us still have sex every once in a while, but I couldn't deny that my ego needed validation from another woman. Turns out that wasn't too hard to find. I wouldn't call it casual sex but a friend with benefits. It's still a relationship but we can't be serious unless between us we want nine children in the house. 

To each their own but I know that at the end of my life I am not going to be able to look back and say I wish I'd had LESS sex.


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## Lon

Emma1981 said:


> I feel like I already sowed my oats prior to marriage - which was one of the reasons I got married. Now going into divorce, I feel the same - I did it all and would rather wait for the long haul.


That's what every woman, or man for that matter, says - "I've already sowed my wold oats, I'm looking for something lasting now".

I never took that opportunity when I was young and it kinda feels like I missed out on it, because it is honestly really hard to find anyone my age with the same experiences in life, most people I run into are permanently in committed marriages or else they are all used up. Feels like an old loaf of bread, you don't know what to do with it now, toast it? Steam it in the microwave? Just load it up with mayo? or make croutons from it... but never able to have it fresh.


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## Fairymama

I find this to be extremely challenging to deal with. Like you, I have a really high sex drive. In the past, when not in a relationship, this has led to me making bad choices regarding partners. If I hadn't had sex in a few months and I went out w/ someone for the first time, if I was attracted to him, I'd often sleep w/ him. Now I'm going through a separation and I'm determined not to fall back into old patterns, but that doesn't really leave a solution to the sex problem. I don't want to jump into another LTR, but I haven't been really successful living any kind of abstinent lifestyle. So... I hear ya!


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## WomanScorned

Well, I'm totally sheltered as I've only had sex with two men. Do I regret that? Nope. I'm not wired, either, for multiple partners. I'm in a committed relationship right now and sex is a regular part of it. I did sleep with him within the first month of dating, but not on the first date. I love sex with him. With the ex it got to be a chore for some reason. :scratchhead: which of course probably should have clued me in that the marriage was in trouble.


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## Nsweet

I hear you WomanScorned. 
Sex with my ex wife was like a hostage negotiation situation. I always had to make the first move with strategical precision, and she always met me with counter resistance measures. And I am by no means a bad lover or lacking anything she desired. On the contrary, I read every psychology book and studied many sexual guides to improve myself and keep her well satisfied. She was just a low drive woman masquerading as a sexually liberated woman. I would have been perfectly happy with sex once a week, but I would die without passion. I don't intend on sex three times a day for the rest of our lives, but at least recognize that stealing kissing behind the house and pillow talk when alone is romantic enough for me.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

At this moment I can't picture it.. but I assume it is going to be a hurdle I will need to climb one day.

You get used to what she like, how to get it done, what not to do, what to do.

To learn that all over again scares the daylights out of me. 

Also I'm at a point that I want commitment with it. The bonding you do during an encounter is very special to me. It is not just a validation of being an man but I felt it was a privileged she gave to me to be able to share that closeness with her. I feel you can't get any close to a woman than that.


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## that_girl

I never needed it to be a relationship, but I needed it to be a respectable friendship. And they were.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

To shut off the lights and embrace someone is a closeness that shouldn't be wasted. You give off a vibe that connects you two together. 

I can't understand lust without a relationship. 

Could just be me.


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## geek down

I want to wait to I find the person I can connect with emotionally AND sexually..Sex has been so mechanical and lackluster for so long without that emotion. 

And I agree with Sadwith2 also..Its that emotional closeless..Thats what makes sex real good..Not just the act..


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

With your spouse you can just stop in the middle and embrace.. run your fingers through her hair, stare at each other.........that's closeness


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## Blanca

My reasons for only having sex with my husband are not romantic at all; I don't want to get a disease and I don't want to have to have an abortion or be a single parent. I worked in a hospital for a year when I was younger and it freaked me out. I could never imagine anything so good that it would counter having to decide to terminate a baby or go through contracting an STD (I witnessed first hand what that can do to a women). So, I'd never have sex with anyone if I wasn't 100% sure they were disease free and wasn't OK having a baby with them. 

When I was 16 I asked my boyfriend if he'd have sex with me. Naturally he said, "Of course." So I broke up with him. I wouldn't want to date someone who was careless about the consequences of their actions. Turns out he now has two kids who he never see's. The irony is of course I ended up with a man who never wants sex; It's going to be rather difficult for me to ever have a baby now. But hey, I'm disease free! Life is just a cruel, sardonic irony sometimes. You attract what you want and it never turns out to be what you thought it would be.


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## Texas Lady

Blanca said:


> My reasons for only having sex with my husband are not romantic at all; I don't want to get a disease and I don't want to have to have an abortion or be a single parent. I worked in a hospital for a year when I was younger and it freaked me out. I could never imagine anything so good that it would counter having to decide to terminate a baby or go through contracting an STD (I witnessed first hand what that can do to a women). So, I'd never have sex with anyone if I wasn't 100% sure they were disease free and wasn't OK having a baby with them.
> 
> When I was 16 I asked my boyfriend if he'd have sex with me. Naturally he said, "Of course." So I broke up with him. I wouldn't want to date someone who was careless about the consequences of their actions. Turns out he now has two kids who he never see's. The irony is of course I ended up with a man who never wants sex; It's going to be rather difficult for me to ever have a baby now. But hey, I'm disease free! Life is just a cruel, sardonic irony sometimes. You attract what you want and it never turns out to be what you thought it would be.


Wow mind blown. Could be the margaritas but that was brilliant. Attract what you want and yea totally. Usually in your head you have this perfect picture of this person or situation and how it will be but it is just a fantasy. When reality hits, it's like wtf who is this person? When did things change? Or why did I just blow that guy in the forest? Haaahahahahahagaha sorry carry on....


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## cloudwithleggs

Texas Lady said:


> Or why did I just blow that guy in the forest? Haaahahahahahagaha sorry carry on....


arrrhhhh the punch line


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## Kathrynthegreat

that_girl said:


> I never needed it to be a relationship, but I needed it to be a respectable friendship. And they were.


Yeah this is where I am. I have a friend with benefits, heavy emphasis on the "friend." I am sooooo not looking to be anyone's girlfriend right now, but it's nice to have a sleepover once or twice a week. We hang out, we get our needs met, we talk until 4am.


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## Shooboomafoo

Kathrynthegreat said:


> Yeah this is where I am. I have a friend with benefits, heavy emphasis on the "friend." I am sooooo not looking to be anyone's girlfriend right now, but it's nice to have a sleepover once or twice a week. We hang out, we get our needs met, we talk until 4am.


--So, when you do meet someone else, will you just tell this fkbuddy that its all over? What if your "friend" really wants more from you i.e. a relationship? 
The "mutual" using of each other, until the right one comes along? 
I wonder if your "friend" is out banging a whole lot of other girls too. You know, that tuesday, before he comes over on a wednesday? yuk.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

Good question.... are you not attached to this man at all.. would you be ok if he calls it off `cause he met someone?


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## Jellybeans

Nsweet said:


> I hear you WomanScorned.
> Sex with my ex wife was like a hostage negotiation situation.


:rofl:



Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> At this moment I can't picture it.. but I assume it is going to be a hurdle I will need to climb one day.
> 
> You get used to what she like, how to get it done, what not to do, what to do.
> 
> To learn that all over again scares the daylights out of me.
> 
> Also I'm at a point that I want commitment with it. The bonding you do during an encounter is very special to me. It is not just a validation of being an man but I felt it was a privileged she gave to me to be able to share that closeness with her. I feel you can't get any close to a woman than that.


What a beautiful post.



geek down said:


> ..Its that emotional closeless..Thats what makes sex real good..Not just the act..


:iagree:

I'm not one for casual boffing. I prefer it when it happens within a relationship. It's just *so* much better.

Ok so question for everyone: post-divorce, when you do start dating, how long do you think you should wait before knocking boots?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

You can look in their eyes and see something back you don't see in your normal day to day encounters. She smells different, she feels different. It's like you are removed from the earth and placed in a world that only two occupy.


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## Shooboomafoo

Per JB:"Ok so question for everyone: post-divorce, when you do start dating, how long do you think you should wait before knocking boots?"

This is kind of a throwback for me, because I spent the last four to five years of my marriage celibate. Thinking I was giving her the "space" she wanted, tired of complete bullsh!t reasons and then after awhile, I was thinking maybe it was a psychological issue from things that happened long before I was in the picture.
I held off, and didnt pursue, because I loved my wife. I had hoped that she would come to the point of healing within, and then approach me. (Because evidently "pushing" was getting no where and creating resentment in her).

So, Minimal EA from her, she wants a divorce. I find a house to move to and see her right across the street for overnight stays at her new bf's friend's house who happens to live across the street from me. WELL, I guess I was wrong!!

Perhaps I still harbor a lot of anger about the whole deal. That, and a profound sense of being a huge LOSER having accomplished very little for the efforts here at work over the last 16 years and having my family (the last hope of something tangible to me) fall apart, just has me out in the netherland right now. 
I dont think I would be good for anyone at the moment, so despite my desire to run out and screw the next crawfish hole I see in the ground, I cant get involved with someone. Im not ready.


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## Jellybeans

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> You can look in their eyes and see something back you don't see in your normal day to day encounters. She smells different, she feels different. It's like you are removed from the earth and placed in a world that only two occupy.


Ok. That's it. I nominate Sadwithtwolittlegirls to be a writer of a great romance novel. 



Shooboomafoo said:


> This is kind of a throwback for me, because I spent the last four to five years of my marriage celibate.


And this is why I said if anyone should get laid on TAM, it should be you! LOL. I understand you not feeling ready yet. You're still healing. Take your time, Shoo. 5 yrs w/ no sex in a marriage is crazy. I think you're relatively young, too? (30s?)

And... you still didn't answer my question. Haha. I am going to make it a thread topic.


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## Lon

Shoo, wow I love when you write, on here man, it makes me feel not quite so alone with my feelings.

I feel the same way, like a bit of a loser, not that I really am, just that I don't think anyone could understand me right now or even want to. Feels like I'm completely insignificant in this world to everyone but my son, and of course myself cause I gotta get by on a continual basis.

Meanwhile, my sexual and companionship needs are so neglected right now, and with the feelings of inadequacy it is brutally tough to break through to the other side, especially when it feels like I have had to shut it all off for so long - kind of afraid it won't start up again, but every bit of overthinking I've been doing seems like its fueled by pure lust right now just want to grab some sexy woman's hips and hump like mad, lol - I get what you mean about any old crawfish hole, yet I still have my normal high standards which I don't seem to think I'd even meet at this point. And when I look around everything just seems so sexual, based on societal sources seems like is so easily attainable, so just need to divert a little my way some how. Feel like a fish in an aquarium that is submerged in the ocean. safe but boring.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

I got told I should write romance novels.. You should read the letter to my WAW..


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## Shooboomafoo

@Lon,
Just trying to get it out there. I wouldnt divulge the "feely" stuff if I didnt think there were some who understood. 
Safe is okay with me right now. I am having a tremendous time with this sense of having not accomplished much. Actually, Ive done quite a lot, it is the dismissal from others, to suit their own greed whether financially or emotionally that I see other people not subjected to.
Last night on t.v. there was a regular show on about how one morbidly obese person is given a year with training to lose weight.
This guy weighed 545 pounds, and his wife was still there, still taking care of his two boys, still obviously deeply devoted and affectionate towards him. He didnt have that great of a job, and had to sleep on the couch due to his size. So the bedroom hadnt happened in a long time evidently. 
I just thought to myself, Man, was that simply a matter of how devoted and awesome his wife was? When it would seem so many would have been terribly unhappy by then. 
Im fixing to be 41 this year, still have all my hair, down to the middle of my back, Im fit, I have all these things I can do that would seem to amount to the definition of a "pretty good man" in a lot of womens eyes. So how is it I ended up with such a witch?


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## Kathrynthegreat

Shooboomafoo said:


> --So, when you do meet someone else, will you just tell this fkbuddy that its all over? What if your "friend" really wants more from you i.e. a relationship?
> The "mutual" using of each other, until the right one comes along?
> I wonder if your "friend" is out banging a whole lot of other girls too. You know, that tuesday, before he comes over on a wednesday? yuk.





Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Good question.... are you not attached to this man at all.. would you be ok if he calls it off `cause he met someone?


Oh I'm quite attached to him. He's quite attached to me. We're exclusive with each other. However, due to the fact that we're both fairly recently divorced and there's a 20-year difference in our ages, we've elected to make this an "at-will" situation and not pursue a LTR. We've had long talks about it and at the point where either one of us meets someone we want to pursue for a more traditional relationship, we've sworn to step away. If I meet someone I'm interested in for a more traditional relationship, I'll tell him and we'll go back to being friends, and vice-versa. Sure it'll hurt. But I'm not one to deny myself or someone else joy because of the possibility of future pain.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls

Someone is gonna get hurt in this deal..


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## Kathrynthegreat

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Someone is gonna get hurt in this deal..


Pretty sure that's what I just said.

Life _is_ pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.


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## SprucHub

Kathrynthegreat said:


> Pretty sure that's what I just said.
> 
> Life _is_ pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.


Inconceivable!


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## InFlux

You're being brutally honest with each other and are scratching each other's itch - take happiness where you can find it I say. Tommorrow we're going to be dead and life is too short as it is....


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## ScarletBegonias

if it wasn't for fear of std's I'd be doing it a lot more 

i love sex.i love the feel of a man's body.all types of men turn me on.but i'm clean,always have been. i'd like to keep it that way so I tend to keep my legs closed and my imagination on overdrive.

I'm faithful when i'm in a relationship and want sex daily.but i'm single now and getting grouchy about it lol


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## Nsweet

:lol:Well put SB:smthumbup:

I love women and I love passionate sex, but I'm terrified of knocking up a ONS or bad gf and getting stuck in legal hell with another crazy ex. That's why nowadays I don't have sex with woman until I'm absolutely sure she is decent and pretending to be something else. I'll do just about everything but take her to pound town until I know for sure she's not going to turn on me. Even then I absolutely refuse to come in a condom or anywhere near the money pit until something serious has been established.

Lesson learned from you women, you have to make them work for it and be very precocious. STDs are manageable with medications, crazy exes and court systems are not.


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## diwali123

After my divorce I was absolutely convinced I would never be in a relationship again. I just KNEW it. I was very bitter and very horny and had a lot of meaningless sex with younger guys. A couples of ONS that I met online and interviewed quite carefully, had a few friends with benefits a d then a long distance EA that ended with me getting more attached to him. He was an old friend and I regret going there with him because now he is uncomfortable talking to me because I'm married. We had phone sex probably 20 times and it was amazing. 
Then I decided I was done fooling around and needed something real. I met my now husband and we waited until the third date. But we decided to meet for coffee so that when we went out on the weekend that would be our official third date.
Sometimes I wish I had not done some of the things I did. If I had known another marriage was possible or love was possible I never would have had ONS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InFlux

diwali123 said:


> After my divorce I was absolutely convinced I would never be in a relationship again. I just KNEW it. I was very bitter and very horny and had a lot of meaningless sex with younger guys. A couples of ONS that I met online and interviewed quite carefully, had a few friends with benefits a d then a long distance EA that ended with me getting more attached to him. He was an old friend and I regret going there with him because now he is uncomfortable talking to me because I'm married. We had phone sex probably 20 times and it was amazing.
> Then I decided I was done fooling around and needed something real. I met my now husband and we waited until the third date. But we decided to meet for coffee so that when we went out on the weekend that would be our official third date.
> Sometimes I wish I had not done some of the things I did. If I had known another marriage was possible or love was possible I never would have had ONS.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't beat yourself up -- those relationships were a necessary part of your healing and figuring yourself out. Knowing what you want (and appreciating it) is an important lesson to learn. Your marriage will benefit if you took the time to make sense of it all for yourself...


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## Matt1720

InFlux said:


> Don't beat yourself up -- those relationships were a necessary part of your healing and figuring yourself out. Knowing what you want (and appreciating it) is an important lesson to learn. Your marriage will benefit if you took the time to make sense of it all for yourself...


i agree! too many sad stories of "i ruined my marriage with a ONS". you've walked around the neighborhood and realized, the grass is greener where you cultivate it


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## mule kick

MyselfAgain said:


> I am having such a hard time going without sex...and the emotions that go with it. I think I am almost ready to fate, except for own big problem: when I fall for someone, I tend to fall hard, and I am scared to death of meeting a great guy, dating for a few months, then being dumped. It will happen, that is dating. Most recently I had a phone sex situation with a great guy who I would date in a second, only we live far apart. He is dating others now and the change in our relationship is making me feel as though I have been dumped...even though we were never really together. He days if I were there, he wouldn't date anyone else.
> 
> I can't have sex without mutual romantic attachment. I'm too afraid of getting hurt. Looks like I may not stop myself though, it is so hard to go without that human connection. One night stands are totally out of the question for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need a friend. Someone just not possible to date but up for a roll in the hay every once in a while. It's easier if your interests are completely different or you aren't each others type. It's not just sex, it's helping each other feel better. You or he start dating and it's easy to put that part of your friendship aside. You break up and hopefully ( no promises) they are there to reassure you it's not the end of the world.

Just my .02c


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## mule kick

MyselfAgain said:


> that is exactly what we both intended this to be, without the actual sex. But we had so much in common, we fell for each other. I think you're right about it having to be someone I wouldn't otherwise date. I don't see myself actively searching for such an arrangement...do you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As I said on page 1 it just turned out that way. She's a great woman and friend but a household of 11 is just insane. So we support each other as we can but... Yeah at some point you have to talk to someone.


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## Jellybeans

MyselfAgain said:


> that is exactly what we both intended this to be, without the actual sex. But we had so much in common, we fell for each other. I think you're right about it having to be someone I wouldn't otherwise date. I don't see myself actively searching for such an arrangement...do you?


Well, you shouldn't sleep with someone just for the sake of sleeping someone if that iS NOT what you want ultimately. Cause it will just make you feel bad afterward. Go with you what you feel is in your best interest. 

How did you meet the guy?


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