# He is having a emotional affair



## patranize (Mar 27, 2011)

I need advice can anyone help?My husband went to first shift about a month ago and when he would come home he would take my laptop to a spare room we have(he said it was his chilling room)and he said he was playing games.He would stay in there from 4pm to 9pm rarely coming out.I got suspicious and finally he slipped up a week ago and left a chat room up.I could see he had been chatting with a girl.It was only a sentence like they had missed talking to each other that day.I confronted him with it and he knew he was busted.He then came up with he wasnt happy with me,but he wasnt cheating and had no desire for another woman ect.We have been together for 12 years and have a child.He wanted to leave,but i told him if he did there was no coming back.He said thats one reason he hasnt left.Over the last couple days i have tryed talking to him about everything and piecing clues together so far i have gotten he was chatting to her in chat rooms and was having a emotional affair as well as i think he was having cyber sex with her.I know the last few weeks before i confronted he was more sexual with me and last night he said cyber sex turned him on that he would never meet them in person,but it is a turn on and made him wanna come at me harder.What does everyone think?What should i do?I am numb.I went from angry to hurt depression and i woke this morning numb.I love him,but i dont know what to do.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

First of all, sorry you are going through this. Second of all, try to confirm if what he is telling you is 100% truthfull. He is probably giving you the watered down version to spare you. Install a key logger program on that laptop. It will tell you what he's typing on there. As to why he's so reved up after doing the cyber sex thing, well that's because it gets his juices flowing and he needs a release. This is not uncommen. What he is doing is wrong and disrespectul to your marriage. 

If he has truly stopped, then its time for the healing to begin. I am not ready to say you guys need MC yet.... but it depends how he goes about dealing with is problem. If he seems clueless, or tries to protest this being "No Big Deal," then you may have no alternative but to get him into MC with you. If he is unwilling... then you may have to force his head by threatening to leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

patranize said:


> He then came up with he wasnt happy with me,but he wasnt cheating and had no desire for another woman ect.We have been together for 12 years and have a child.He wanted to leave,but i told him if he did there was no coming back.He said thats one reason he hasnt left.


He's not happy with you, but he doesn't want to leave either. From your post, I'm getting that he wants to continue cyber chatting and cyber sex, but he wants to have actual sex with you. Do you think he is making love to you or do you get the feeling he is fantasizing about his cyber woman?

You have decide if you want to live with a man who apparently wants it both ways. For me, personally, I would be packing his bags and showing him the door. I mean, he's not just passively looking at porn, he's participating in an affair of sorts. Add to that equation that he says he's not happy with you, and it sounds as if you are a body in which he finds sexual release, but to whom he doesn't have actual attachment.

So what do you want to do about this situation?


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## patranize (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks for the advie.I finally got him to open up a little bit about our relationship and he still sticks with his story it has nothing to do with another woman.He says it started about 9 months ago and started with depression.He has a few reasons why he dosnt want to leave they are 1.He wants us to be friends after the split like he come over and spend time with our daughter and us act like nothing happened 2.If he leaves and changed his mind he wants to be able to come back.He also told me in ways he wish we could live together like now and live separate lives.When we talk he never talks about fixing us as i do he talks about he dosnt know if it can be fixed and about leaving.There is no fixing it now is there?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So basically, he wants to have you there, but be able to do as he likes. AKA "Cake and eat it too"... Plus he wants the option of coming back if he leaves. AKA "Safety net".

There's no fixing it if he doesn't want to fix it. But he may not want to fix it until he realizes what he'll be giving up. However, that may not be an option, if you're honest about not taking him back if he walks out (and that doesn't seem unreasonable to me).

I think you should decide for yourself what you need in a relationship and drawing a line in the sand. If he can't live with that, then he can get out (with the understanding that coming back is not on the table). He IS having an emotional affair, regardless of how he sees it.

You could offer marriage counseling, if you think the two of you might benefit from talking things out. Just to try everything you can before deciding the marriage can't be saved.

C


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