# When to Leave?



## Emptyone (Apr 23, 2011)

I have been spinning my wheels in the same place in my marriage for the last two to three years. I know deep down that its time to call it quits but fear holds me back every time I want to actually take the steps to leave. I keep thinking there must be something we/i can do. I have for the most part been the one working on the marriage. I feel that most times I just sweep things under the rug just to try and be happy. Bringing up things I see as issues seems to create and argument that goes completely unresolved every time. For my own sanity and happyness I usually leave it alone again and again. I am finding myself resentful and building a wall. After 12 years of doing the same thing over and over I know that we just can't make it work. I am really scared of the fall out, (He has walked out time and time again cutting us all off 3 kids involved here too.) I expect that is what will happen again and do not want to screw up the kids lives with the seperation/divorce. They will have to deal with an absent father, although most of the time we feel like we dont matter to him already. When do I break and get to the point enough is enough?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. I have been trying to convince myself that there was still hope. A friend asked why and I think its because I am, deep down, a romantic. What would you do if you knew with absolute certainty that the conditions in your marriage were never going to improve? Is that enough to make you leave? It was for me. My children deserve a strong mother who will not be pushed around and disrespected. They need to know that is not ok. Stay strong. And I think you are probably stronger than you realize.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Empty one sorry you are here Have yall considered MC ?? If so or have already been or he is not willing I would decide what you truly want in a marriage and if he cannot or will not fit the bill then move on your children will be fine better to be away from an unhappy situation than in it. 

Good Luck


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## Emptyone (Apr 23, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. I have been trying to convince myself that there was still hope. A friend asked why and I think its because I am, deep down, a romantic. What would you do if you knew with absolute certainty that the conditions in your marriage were never going to improve? Is that enough to make you leave? It was for me. My children deserve a strong mother who will not be pushed around and disrespected. They need to know that is not ok. Stay strong. And I think you are probably stronger than you realize.


If I knew with absolute certainty that things will never change (I think I already do but keep ending up in denial) I would have been gone years ago. Thanks for the encouragement... I think Im almost there, right now I have to get through the next few weeks since we have a family vacation planned that we can not back out of. At least I know he will perform as the doting father and husband since he would never want anyone to see how he really is.


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## Emptyone (Apr 23, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi Empty one sorry you are here Have yall considered MC ?? If so or have already been or he is not willing I would decide what you truly want in a marriage and if he cannot or will not fit the bill then move on your children will be fine better to be away from an unhappy situation than in it.
> 
> Good Luck


Actually its funny when I found this site and went to register I found that my email was already registered so I requested a new pass word and came back to log in. I discovered that I had a post on here already and funny enough its from a year ago. It reminded me that I have let another year of my life slip away miserable trying to make the marriage work. I think it was a wake up call. 

Last year we were going to MC and the counselor decided that we needed to try IC actually she referred to him first saying he needs to work on himself before he can work on the marriage after a few sessions with her.Then she felt that she didn't want my needs to be pushed aside so she suggested I come to help me through and deal with my frustrations with him and to come to terms with why I sweep everything under the rug or "swallow things" as she put it. This decision was left to us and she said she wont see us as a couple until then. After returning home my HB decided he did not want to pursue IC since he had no interest delving into his past. Leaving the whole thing lying where it was and me feeling like I wasn't worth his efforts yet again. And here I am back here a year later and nothing has changed except maybe that I want out of my marriage even more than I ever have, the hard part is he doesn't make it easy. 
I too decided against the IC why work on me even more since I have already adapted so much for the sake of the marriage I thought if he isnt willing why should I. Now seeing myself back at square one I think I should have went ahead it might have given me the strength I needed to leave back then.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I think like you stated before eventually you will reach the point of no return and then it is to late if the marriage is important to him then he will correct what needs to be corrected. I would not be rug sweeping that just eventually leads to resentments


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## Emptyone (Apr 23, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> I think like you stated before eventually you will reach the point of no return and then it is to late if the marriage is important to him then he will correct what needs to be corrected. I would not be rug sweeping that just eventually leads to resentments


I am resentful so yes I can see how sweeping things under the rug have created that.That was an adaptation as I call it in our marriage on my part. My way of dealing with things since he was never willing to I didnt want to always hold onto and resolve the problems on my own. This became my source of problem solving so I didnt have to feel so burdened and left with so many unresolved problems, its funny though the rug always seemed to blow away and all the contents under it came swirling out with the wind.
I cant change the pile that is there and I think you hit the nail on the head .... its at the point of no return now.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I don't swallow thing, but i have an unhappy marriage either. I think you do that because saying thing up right leads to nowhere. So it's actually about something else? Are you good together? It's seems you aren't . We aren't either. Very sorry for that. I know it's no black and white situation in relationships, kids ,money make it complicated... And i'm married only 1.5 years ,so may be i'm no one to say this. I thought/ like you/ "people could change a bit , adapt may be"... No way! May be some can ...for love, but mine can't even for his own life.
Take care. Think straight! Do the right thing! For you!


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