# Wife says she need time alone.



## Wiz199 (Mar 10, 2017)

My wife and I have been living together for 18 years and married for 14. She told me yesterday that she wants to live alone. She wants to move out and us "date" each other to see if it will help rekindle the spark in our relationship. I don't know how to take this. She says it will help our marriage, I say it will destroy it. HELP!!


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

First find out who her boyfriend is.

Sorry, but this is usually the case when a spouse needs "space".


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Has she ever told you she was uhappy?

How long ago?

What if any signs of trouble?

Is there ANY hint of another guy in the picture?


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Could be a massive sh_t test to see if you care about the marriage.
Could be she wants you out of sight to test drive some other guy.
Best advice I can give is tell her "If you move out, we might as well get divorced right away & save time".
Hard to have heart to heart conversations when you are living in different locations.

You can go on dates, etc, while living in the same place.
Check phone records, drop by her work unannounced for a lunch date. Is she seeing someone else??

PS- I read this quote on this site a couple of weeks ago. "Don't love someone so much, that they can use your love as a noose against you". You may love your wife, but you CAN live without her. Don't cry, don't beg, be firm.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wiz199 said:


> My wife and I have been living together for 18 years and married for 14. She told me yesterday that she wants to live alone. She wants to move out and us "date" each other to see if it will help rekindle the spark in our relationship. I don't know how to take this. She says it will help our marriage, I say it will destroy it. HELP!!


What does her boyfriend think?


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Yes...this sounds bad...real bad...18 years is a long time...then out of the blue she wants to move out...
Really has to be something else here (AP OM EA/PA etc)

Good luck I'm new here but there seems to be a lot of peeps for advise and support....


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's cheating. Sorry.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill if you want her boyfriends number.


----------



## Wiz199 (Mar 10, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> Has she ever told you she was uhappy?
> 
> How long ago?
> 
> ...


She told me recently that she was unhappy ie a few days ago.

I haven't noticed any recent signs of trouble, but I haven't been looking for them.

Not another man that I know of.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Wiz199 said:


> She told me recently that she was unhappy ie a few days ago.
> 
> I haven't noticed any recent signs of trouble, but I haven't been looking for them.
> 
> *Not another man that I know of.*


Only because you haven't looked. Go online and check your phone bill.

This happens with extreme regularity here.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Wiz199 said:


> Not another man that I know of.


Seek and ye shall find ...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Oh and don't ask her. She'll tell you no of course.

You'll find that cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.

Of course you'll be in the denial phase like most and want to belive until ........


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look sport separation is for her to have more time to spend with her boyfriend. 

Sorry for what you are about to receive


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

When you get the boyfriends number and ask you'll get the famous lie "were just friends"!!!!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Really the only chance you have is to beat her to the punch and file.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tell her if she walks out that door you are filing for divorce. And follow through if she does.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She will also say "there was nothing physical".

And you'll be strung along in limbo land until she finally gets her exit strategy lined up.

You are better off in every scenario filing for divorce NOW. 

You don't want to. You're emotionally wrecked to your core.
But I'm telling you what to do. File for divorce. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.
You cannot nice them back, reason them back, or guilt them back.
File tomorrow.

Btw, yes, there's another man.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Wiz199 said:


> She wants to move out and us "date" each other to see if it will help rekindle the spark in our relationship. I don't know how to take this. She says it will help our marriage...


Oh, so that's what she says? Tell her both of you get into MC NOW or all bets are off the table. Living on her own means she can live as a single woman and do what she darned well wants to do - with whomever!

Don't know how to take this? Be outraged and tell her if she moves out, she's not coming back. I would suggest you ask the mods to move this thread to the "Coping With Infidelity" forum. Seriously.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Not to necessarily save your marriage, but to help you become a better man for yourself. Eat healthy, workout. You aren't perfect, but you probably have had her up on a pedestal for a long time.. Unless you have been cheating on her, it ain't all your fault. Each person in a marriage has to be committed, if she has decided she wants out, not much you can do to change it. 

She needs to see a confident you.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

No, this is not a good idea if you want to save your marriage. But a woman will fall out of love with her husband if he's been neglecting her. What are her complaints about the marriage?


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Does not sound good. If she wanted to rekindle the spark she could do it at home. Whenever my wife and I feel like the spark is going away, we set up two date nights a week and sure enough, in a few weeks we are back in the saddle again. Moving out probably means she wants to date other men, if she has not already done so, and compare you to them to see if she wants you or them. If I were you, I would remind her that you will take it to mean that you can date other women and then do so. From what you said, it should not be hard to find someone who likes you more than your wife loves you.

P.S. - I did the same thing your wife wants to do when I had a girlfriend that I was falling in love with. Gave me the ability to see my wife and girlfriend in the same week without guilt. I started to push my wife away. I was young and stupid. I came to my senses and went back to my wife with a parting gift of an STD from my girlfriend. That would have ended it anyway.

PPS. - I never knew a couple that got back together after alone time. Alone does not help you to get closer to your spouse. It gives you freedom to see your boyfriend. It is basically a halfway house to a divorce. You are her safety net in case things do not work out.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She wants to live alone because it would be awkward when another guy shows up, and you're there.  Trust us, that's most likely what it is. There's 1% chance that she could mean what she says, but most likely...she'll be dating others AND you. Don't be someone's option when you make them a priority.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> She wants to live alone because it would be awkward when another guy shows up, and you're there.  Trust us, that's most likely what it is. There's 1% chance that she could mean what she says, but most likely...she'll be dating others AND you. Don't be someone's option when you make them a priority.


I disagree with one thing, deidre. When she leaves, she won't include her husband in the "dating".... he will be slowly whittled out of her life, as I'm sure you know. But she will keep the security and money flowing from her husband as long as possible.

She's a liar. She wants time away from her husband to be with other men, like you said. ALONE???
Who wants to be AONE???
No, she meant she wants time alone with heir other man/men.

OP needs to provide walking papers.
Let's be realistic, OP. Your wife only wants to separate so not only can she be with other men, but hasn't mentioned divorce because she wants you to pay for it--- and provide babysitting services free of charge while she bangs these other dudes.

This "time alone" thing is such a lie.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

rockon said:


> First find out who her boyfriend is.
> 
> Sorry, but this is usually the case when a spouse needs "space".




That's exactly what it means......RED FLAG.:|


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

REALLY look into the phone records, emails, FB, etc. if you can get access. This should help with figuring out if there is a OM in the picture. The idea that moving AWAY from each other will bring you closer is honestly a bit absurd.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Wiz199 said:


> My wife and I have been living together for 18 years and married for 14. She told me yesterday that she wants to live alone. She wants to move out and us "date" each other to see if it will help rekindle the spark in our relationship. I don't know how to take this. She says it will help our marriage, I say it will destroy it. HELP!!


* The very same line was used on me a few years back and I just gullibly fell for it! Try reading my primary post at the link below!

Now that you have unceremoniously evolved into her new "Plan B," this well-orchestrated  modus operandi  of hers will tell you far more than you'll ever care to know!

And then some!*


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

There is a slight chance she told you this just to test you and see how you react. If this is the case she may feel incapable/inadequate to keep you happy. 

My intuition tells me that she is likely tangled up in an emotional affair and has become desperate for it to become a physical affair as well. I had this happen to some friends of mine, and just as she went through with the physical affair she was ready to move out and start a new life. She wanted to remain on good terms with her husband so that he would take care of their kids while she could rejuvenate herself with her new lover. 

In case you are wondering how that story worked out. Her husband happened to be a good friends with the other man (which was how she hid the emotional affair for so long). The husband was aware that the other man was sleeping around with hundreds of women (why was he friends with this guy, I don't know), and he had to break this news to his wife that she was just another notch on his bedpost. They have struggled to reconcile. I do not know much about them anymore, other than their lives are an absolute mess. If I were the husband in that situation (just as the original poster of this thread), I would just move on. Whatever that is, it is not love! 

Badsanta


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> No, this is not a good idea if you want to save your marriage. But a woman will fall out of love with her husband if he's been neglecting her. What are her complaints about the marriage?


But the same thing can happen if he's doing opposite, putting her on a pedestal, orbiting her, following her around like a sad little puppy.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Not to necessarily save your marriage, but to help you become a better man for yourself. Eat healthy, workout. You aren't perfect, but you probably have had her up on a pedestal for a long time.. Unless you have been cheating on her, it ain't all your fault. Each person in a marriage has to be committed, if she has decided she wants out, not much you can do to change it.
> 
> She needs to see a confident you.


Excellent resources, especially MMSLP. Improving yourself for YOU, either with her or with another woman once you divorce.

Of course, for it to work with her you would need to file for D, expose the affair etc. Others here who have been through it can help. From what I've read, that is the only chance your marriage has. Letting her go to "find herself" is letting her go to find someone else.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP

Have you noticed how a bunch of folks here that do not know each other from Adam, but who have personal experience in infidelity, have basically all told you the same thing in different words.

if you believe in percentages and odds, the overwhelming odds here are that your wife has already been cheating on you physically or is about to, and wants you not where you can interfere. 

Now you can either quietly submit and drive yourself nuts wondering if she is banging another man an dating, OR you can take some action to make her believe that you are not rolling over here and playing the "pick me game".

How do you do that???
(1) see an attorney, and let her know you are doing it and that if you find out she is cheating you will hand her the divorce papers.
(2) tell her that before she comes back she will pass a polygraph proving that she did not use this separation to continue her affair.

When she goes ballistic at these statements, you will clearly have you answer.

The best choice of course would be to hand her the papers to sign before she moves out to save yourself some heartache.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> But the same thing can happen if he's doing opposite, putting her on a pedestal, orbiting her, following her around like a sad little puppy.


Women often leave men because they are being neglected in their marriage. True, some of these women turn towards others to meet their needs while still married, so the OP should quietly investigate if that's the case with his wife, but there is a possibility she isn't yet in an A. 

I know several women who at the 20 year mark in their marriages start feeling fed up with their husband's lack of interest in them. I know one in particular who couldn't get her husband's attention (or into MC) until she told him they needed to separate. Another couldn't get her husband's attention until she started getting her own life, going out more with friends, and developed a friendship with another man. Not the recommended way of handling things for sure, but this woman had been trying to get her husband's attention for years.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-leave-their-husbands-mkp-mjr/

"They had heard for too long that they were too emotional and needy.
Their desire for affection and attention and intimacy had been missing for too long.

They had been lied to, ignored, taken for granted, yelled at and not talked to or touched, in some cases, for years.

Their requests to work together on the relationship had been declined. Their men said working on relationship was too hard and took too much time."


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My experience with this request is that it really means, "If I am not in an affair at this moment, I really want to dip my toe in the dating pool, see if I can't do better."

Your response is, "GO, I am going to divorce you." Please do not contact me again, my lawyer will be in contact with you shortly. Please do not consider any asset, inclusive of bank accounts and credit cards to be portable at this point, they are/will be frozen within the hour. 

If you choose to walk out that door, do not bother ever coming back. WE ARE DONE! Do not ask for anything, as I no longer consider you to be my spouse, and therefore, I will no longer be responsible for you.

I shall be calling everyone we know to let them in on your latest venture. Have a sh!t life.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yeah, my brother in law got the "I need to be alone. I need to find myself" line too. After she moved out, we found out the OM had also moved out of his marital home too, (into his own place). She just wanted to be alone with her OM. I mean she only had to be a mom 1/2 the time and the other 1/2 she could be living the single life.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have seen this almost annually in my practice. Many a time I have had the spouse sitting across from me, in tears, wondering what they did? Soccermom2three had it right, that act is an act. "I want to move out to find myself" usually means, I want to do a survey on various gonads, if I find one better, then by all means, if not, then I will come back, but I will make you sorry that you are plan b.

I had one client who got this little request. Wife made very little, and wanted him to pay for her new pad. He put a PI on his wife immediately. Within two days before she moved, the PI paid off, he went to AP's office where he assaulted the AP. (That was the only stupid thing he did in all of this) He took the AP to the AP's wife and had him tell her all the detail. Then he gave the wife his home address. Gave OMW names and addresses of his wife's family. Made damn sure that AP could not warn my client's wife.

Here she thought she is moving out to be with her AP in a few days, then OMW shows up at the door.

OMW shows up with her kids. Wife had all of her "you go, girls" there, to help with "finding herself". Wife no longer has any friends. Wife lives at her Mom & Dad's. Wife now has no life.

OMW divorced her husband, and took him for everything. My client is in the process of divorce. The wife has no life at all.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Women often leave men because they are being neglected in their marriage. True, some of these women turn towards others to meet their needs while still married, so the OP should quietly investigate if that's the case with his wife, but there is a possibility she isn't yet in an A.
> 
> I know several women who at the 20 year mark in their marriages start feeling fed up with their husband's lack of interest in them. I know one in particular who couldn't get her husband's attention (or into MC) until she told him they needed to separate. Another couldn't get her husband's attention until she started getting her own life, going out more with friends, and developed a friendship with another man. Not the recommended way of handling things for sure, but this woman had been trying to get her husband's attention for years.
> 
> ...


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do not consent to her moving out. Insist she stay in the home, but agree to do marriage counselling to discuss how the marriage can be improved. All people and all long term marriages have issues, and you are willing to work on yours. But if she moves out it is over, because in your mind the only reason to move out is to date other people. She won't like it, but if she truly is interested in saving the marriage she will respect you for it and agree. If she moves out after hearing you say that, then you can be confident your marriage had zero chance of recovery and you made the right choice to divorce.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

...We hear he is a whiz of a wiz
...If ever a wiz there was
...If ever, oh ever a wiz there was
...because, because, because, because....because of the wonderful things he does!


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree with one thing, deidre. When she leaves, she won't include her husband in the "dating".... he will be slowly whittled out of her life, as I'm sure you know. But she will keep the security and money flowing from her husband as long as possible.
> 
> She's a liar. She wants time away from her husband to be with other men, like you said. ALONE???
> Who wants to be AONE???
> ...


Totally agree. She sounds like yet another jerk that misleads her spouse into thinking she is 'finding herself' but really...she just wants to find other men. 

I say, get out while you still have your dignity, OP.


----------



## DoctorSane (Jul 8, 2016)

I wouldn't bother checking the phone bill or giving any thought to what might keep her from setting up shop in her bachelorette pad. Even if she doesn't actually go, she's effectively ended the relationship. Why bother with finding out who the guy is or trying to stop her from going? She has gone full EPL and is "trying to find herself" at the tip of Chad's ****. There is nothing to work out here, nothing to fix, etc. There is nothing, period. Don't go rooting through the garbage. Cut your losses, accept her statement as a gift (you know who she really is and how things really are between you two), make yourself your own mental point of origin, and move on to making your life great. Read MMSL and the Rational Male to get your bearings, and turn yourself into a high-value man. It's a brutal thing to have happen to you, but you can come out much stronger and happier on the other side.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

From the same article:

"Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates.

But many men miss the clues that their wife is unhappy and on the verge of calling it quits. A friend of ours, Machen, shared his experience,

I didn’t realize my marriage was in trouble until my wife said, ‘You are moving out – today!!’ In retrospect, I could see that she had tried to tell me many times that she was unhappy, but I hadn’t been listening."
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-leave-their-husbands-mkp-mjr/

All I'm saying is that the OP should look for proof before assuming (and reacting) as if his wife is having an affair if he wants to save his marriage. 

There could be a very real reason why she's unhappy in the marriage and sees separation as the only way to get him to meet her halfway in repairing the marriage. I've seen this exact thing go down with friends in real life in the past year who were advised to separate from neglectful husbands who were unwilling to consider their needs or work to improve the marriage. Marriage requires care and no wife wants to live with a man who isn't showing that he cares for her.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Jessica38 said:


> From the same article:
> 
> "Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex.* They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates.
> *
> ...


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

x598 said:


> Jessica38 said:
> 
> 
> > From the same article:
> ...


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> Women often leave men because they are being neglected in their marriage. True, some of these women turn towards others to meet their needs while still married, so the OP should quietly investigate if that's the case with his wife, but there is a possibility she isn't yet in an A.
> 
> I know several women who at the 20 year mark in their marriages start feeling fed up with their husband's lack of interest in them. I know one in particular who couldn't get her husband's attention (or into MC) until she told him they needed to separate. Another couldn't get her husband's attention until she started getting her own life, going out more with friends, and developed a friendship with another man. Not the recommended way of handling things for sure, but this woman had been trying to get her husband's attention for years.
> 
> ...


There's never a reason to cheat. Just leave your spouse, then. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to get your man to notice you...what are you gaining anyway? She'd be better off leaving, and finding someone who is actually interested in her. I don't believe you can ''teach'' someone to be interested in you, the person either is or isn't. This isn't to say jobs, kids, etc don't get in the way if intimacy, but to be neglected for years? I'd leave ...and not cheat. And don't let the bad treatment go on for years, either.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> There's never a reason to cheat. Just leave your spouse, then. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to get your man to notice you...what are you gaining anyway? She'd be better off leaving, and finding someone who is actually interested in her. I don't believe you can ''teach'' someone to be interested in you, the person either is or isn't. This isn't to say jobs, kids, etc don't get in the way if intimacy, but to be neglected for years? I'd leave ...and not cheat. And don't let the bad treatment go on for years, either.


Agreed- there is never a reason to cheat. 

Disagree that it's better to immediately divorce if your wife wants to separate because she's unhappy though, especially if you have children. Like the article points out, many women have tried repeatedly to fix the problems in their marriages to no avail- so their last resort is to separate, and basically do a 180, while giving their spouse the opportunity to work with them to fix the marriage. 

It's painful to throw away 20 years of marriage...and expensive...and difficult for the children. If a spouse has cheated, then absolutely, vows have been broken and divorce seems to me the best option. But without proof, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Agreed- there is never a reason to cheat.
> 
> Disagree that it's better to immediately divorce if your wife wants to separate because she's unhappy though, especially if you have children. Like the article points out, many women have tried repeatedly to fix the problems in their marriages to no avail- so their last resort is to separate, and basically do a 180, while giving their spouse the opportunity to work with them to fix the marriage.
> 
> It's painful to throw away 20 years of marriage...and expensive...and difficult for the children. If a spouse has cheated, then absolutely, vows have been broken and divorce seems to me the best option. But without proof, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.


When I quoted you earlier it seems my comments didn't make it through. What are some specific examples of how women have repeatedly tried to fix the problems? How are they letting their husband know they feel neglected? It seems to me that it is done far too subtly many times and the woman thinks she let him know but he didn't pick up on it. Remember men and women communicate differently.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> When I quoted you earlier it seems my comments didn't make it through. What are some specific examples of how women have repeatedly tried to fix the problems? How are they letting their husband know they feel neglected? It seems to me that it is done far too subtly many times and the woman thinks she let him know but he didn't pick up on it. Remember men and women communicate differently.


Good point. I've heard the argument that many men won't listen until it's (often) too late. To answer your question, here are examples from the article I linked to above and I have heard these complaints from 2 women in the last year, one who literally cannot leave her husband for financial reasons and another who did separate from her husband (no affair):

"Women don’t start with divorce. *They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex.* They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. *They ask for more quality time with their mates."*

*Each woman in turn said they felt powerless to affect change. They were unhappy in their relationships, and married to men who weren’t willing to work to improve their marriage.*

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-leave-their-husbands-mkp-mjr/


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> Agreed- there is never a reason to cheat.
> 
> Disagree that it's better to immediately divorce if your wife wants to separate because she's unhappy though, especially if you have children. Like the article points out, many women have tried repeatedly to fix the problems in their marriages to no avail- so their last resort is to separate, and basically do a 180, while giving their spouse the opportunity to work with them to fix the marriage.
> 
> It's painful to throw away 20 years of marriage...and expensive...and difficult for the children. If a spouse has cheated, then absolutely, vows have been broken and divorce seems to me the best option. But without proof, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.


It probably didn't take 20 years though to get there, usually people tolerate a lot of crap before finally giving up. But, if you keep struggling to find happiness with your spouse, maybe it's time to move on...I understand with kids, it's harder...but I get the sense that the mantra with many people is ...you basically have to give up your own personal happiness to stay with the father/mother of your kids, even if you're miserable. I disagree with that, and kids living in a house where mom and dad are not happy together, are always fighting, distant and tense...that can't be a good example for kids, either. So, I see what you're saying, but life isn't meant to be an endless struggle with another person.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> It probably didn't take 20 years though to get there, usually people tolerate a lot of crap before finally giving up. But, if you keep struggling to find happiness with your spouse, maybe it's time to move on...I understand with kids, it's harder...but I get the sense that the mantra with many people is ...you basically have to give up your own personal happiness to stay with the father/mother of your kids, even if you're miserable. I disagree with that, and kids living in a house where mom and dad are not happy together, are always fighting, distant and tense...that can't be a good example for kids, either. So, I see what you're saying, but life isn't meant to be an endless struggle with another person.


So true. Maybe that's the point the OP's wife is at? If so, he might still be able to turn it around but he's going to have to do the work.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Good point. I've heard the argument that many men won't listen until it's (often) too late. To answer your question, here are examples from the article I linked to above and I have heard these complaints from 2 women in the last year, one who literally cannot leave her husband for financial reasons and another who did separate from her husband (no affair):
> 
> "Women don’t start with divorce. *They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex.* They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. *They ask for more quality time with their mates."*
> 
> ...


These aren't actual dialogue though. There is a difference between "I want us to spend more quality time together" and "I think we need to spend more quality time together. I feel we are growing apart, and we might do irreparable damage to our marriage because of it." The first one could be brushed off by many. It would be foolish to ignore the second.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If you want to know who her boyfriend is, take the advice in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

MWNN,

You might be surprised by how many foolish spouses are out there who do in fact brush off the second, telling their spouse that they are just complaining, looking for the negatives, forgetting the positives, don't appreciate all the other things the spouse does....or, they tell their spouse that they DO in fact spend time together- child raising, cleaning, driving to obligations, etc. No quality time, no attention, no conversation, no affection. Those spouses stop asking and start getting their own lives. And they realize they are living like roommates, because who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't even want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom?


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your wife has fallen out of love with you a long time ago. She must have been unhappy for quite awhile only you never heard her . So she is long gone. She is now setting the stage to get out of the marriage as painless as she can. I don't think there is anything you can do at this point to change her mind.

You can discuss it all you want but her mind is made up. 

A while back there was an article called " my wife divorced me because I left the dishes in the sink" or something to that effect. 

You can do it her way and die a little bit at a time. Or rip the band Aid off quickly.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> Good point. I've heard the argument that many men won't listen until it's (often) too late. To answer your question, here are examples from the article I linked to above and I have heard these complaints from 2 women in the last year, one who literally cannot leave her husband for financial reasons and another who did separate from her husband (no affair):
> 
> "Women don’t start with divorce. *They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex.* They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. *They ask for more quality time with their mates."*
> 
> ...


This may be the answer. If it was me I would show her this article ask her if this is true and ask her to give you a month to start to fix it. Then change. Kind of a last chance hail Mary. But that is about the best you got. If she isn't cheating. Some don't divorce they just cheat.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> MWNN,
> 
> *You might be surprised by how many foolish spouses are out there who do in fact brush off the second*, telling their spouse that they are just complaining, looking for the negatives, forgetting the positives, don't appreciate all the other things the spouse does....or, they tell their spouse that they DO in fact spend time together- child raising, cleaning, driving to obligations, etc. No quality time, no attention, no conversation, no affection. Those spouses stop asking and start getting their own lives. And they realize they are living like roommates, because who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't even want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom?


Then it is on them.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think sometimes people just get bored. They don't complain to their spouses because there is really nothing to complain about. It's not always that the spouse is a jerk or the marriage is bad. Sometimes people just get sick of the safe and predictable. Some people need upset and strife in their life, so they leave.... or have affairs.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> I think sometimes people just get bored. They don't complain to their spouses because there is really nothing to complain about. It's not always that the spouse is a jerk or the marriage is bad. Sometimes people just get sick of the safe and predictable. Some people need upset and strife in their life, so they leave.... or have affairs.



Your first line is way more common than people admit. I think many many times in long term relationships you just get bored of being with each other, then it becomes this big dramatic snafu about "who, what and why". 

I don't necessarily agree with the last line though. I don't think most people go out looking for upset or strife in their life, I think that happens as a result of being bored and making bad decisions.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Spouse: "I need time alone to figure myself out." 

Me: "OK." *hands Spouse a sleeping bag, personal tent, portable stove, can of beans, bug spray, and roll of toilet paper.*

"See you when I see you."

*Goes back into nice, comfy house and locks door.*


----------



## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

The end comment of all this type of "need time stories" is I wasted ____ months/years waiting for her


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

sokillme said:


> This may be the answer. If it was me I would show her this article ask her if this is true and ask her to give you a month to start to fix it. Then change. Kind of a last chance hail Mary. But that is about the best you got. If she isn't cheating. Some don't divorce they just cheat.


:iagree:

Great advice.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Meh, probably just another rewrite of the marital history to justify her new boyfriend.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Satya said:


> Spouse: "I need time alone to figure myself out."
> 
> Me: "OK." *hands Spouse a sleeping bag, personal tent, portable stove, can of beans, bug spray, and roll of toilet paper.*
> 
> ...


Yeah. :laugh:

Then thirty minutes later the cops show up.... :surprise:


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah. :laugh:
> 
> Then thirty minutes later the cops show up.... :surprise:


Cop says what did you scratch and bite yourself? The psych ward will help you:nerd:


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Since help requires thread participation, and OP has chosen to leave a couple of vague posts and disappear I'm closing this thread. 

If he wants it reopened he can PM me.


----------

