# SO LOST IN THIS SITUATION



## Fogged_Clarity_z (Mar 19, 2021)

My husband has always struggled with untreated mild depression and ADHD. I, myself, have mild depression but also high functioning anxiety that I have learned to regulate for the most part. He had an extremely rough child hood and never dealt with his trauma. In Oct my his bio dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and then sent my husband spiraling into a deep and major depression. In January randomly one day he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. After further discussion I realized the symptoms of major depression and asked if he would get help before he made a decision like that. He has been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and has been on antidepressants and ADHD medicine for almost two months.

He still is confused about us, even though he said he feels better for the most part. He says he is committed and wants to work on us, but then has no action and after talking further he says some days he wants to work on us and some days he doesn't and just wants to be alone. Since he told me he is confused he has stopped wearing his wedding ring and after giving ridiculous excuses he finally admitted its cause he doesn't feel right wearing it. He also quit acting normal around me, calls me by my name (instead of babe), quit saying I love you (and if I say it he says "I know"), and doesn't touch me unless it's to initiate sex. He still talks to me and is nice but this has sent my anxiety into over drive and my depression going back and forth and being so confused. I don't know what to do. I have started back seeing a therapist as well and getting medication for anxiety and working on myself and just to help deal with all of this. I know our marriage wasn't perfect before this and we both need to change things. But I didn't see it as being that bad and this came out of nowhere for me....

We have an 8 year old together and a 13 year old that he has raised since she was 2. We have been married for 10 years and was in marriage counseling 5 years ago because I found out he was emotionally cheating on me, because he said it was just something different. After going to counseling for a year or so we had been good since with a few minor setbacks, but I feel emotionally betrayed all over again with him on the fence about us and I feel like I can't trust anything he says. And I feel like after every five years or so he is just gonna question us again and again.
I also recently found out his therapist doesn't even know he is having marital problems. I know he is working on himself and what not but I feel like that should have been brought up.

The last few weeks he has seemed all out of sorts. Staying out and drinking driving home extremely drunk and sometimes not coming home at all. I accidentally found out he lied about where he stayed the night one night that he didn't come home. I left for a few days after this and stayed somewhere else hoping he would sit in his own thoughts and have some clarity... but the day I came back he said he wanted a separation for a month and we would come back and regroup. He moved out and I feel like there is no other way for this to end than a divorce. I feel like he has almost been acting manic, very irrational and unpredictable. He is jittery all the time and can't sit still and is overly inserting himself in situations to help people out when they don't need his help.... This is one symptom his psych told him to watch out for, with the combination of his medicines. But I don't think he recognizes what mania feels like. All he knows is he doesn't feel as sad all the time anymore, but I just feel like he isn't thinking clearly or about any of these consequences.

I'm giving him space and not talking to him and at this point I feel like this is the end so I just need to start the process of getting over him, because I don't know if I could ever even trust him again after this, even if he decided he wanted to work on it. I just feel like I'm not getting the whole story. I know he has always had demons and I think his dads diagnosis has brought them all to the surface, but I just don't know if any of this is salvageable after all we have been through.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Was he with another woman the night he lied about where he stayed?

I agree things aren't looking too good.


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## Fogged_Clarity_z (Mar 19, 2021)

Trident said:


> Was he with another woman the night he lied about where he stayed?
> 
> I agree things aren't looking too good.


I don't know, when I found out that he lied we had just separated the day before, so I don't feel like I can ask that right now. If its moving towards divorce anyways, does it even matter anymore?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Fogged_Clarity_z said:


> I don't know, when I found out that he lied we had just separated the day before, so I don't feel like I can ask that right now. If its moving towards divorce anyways, does it even matter anymore?


It matters because you need to also feel detached and deserve to know. He doesn’t get to treat you like that and keep you chasing him. I’d ask him point blank where he stayed.

If he doesn’t answer then it’s pretty clear it’s on that level of betrayal and this should help you move along the divorce proceedings.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If he's jumping into bed with someone else the day after you separate it's a pretty good indicator of where this is going to end up.


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## Fogged_Clarity_z (Mar 19, 2021)

Trident said:


> If he's jumping into bed with someone else the day after you separate it's a pretty good indicator of where this is going to end up.


Yes, I definitely agree. The problem is I accidentally found out from his step mom in casual conversation and he hasn't even told them yet whats going on but I did and he doesn't know that they know. This whole thing is just a mess, I don't think there is any coming back from this anyways. Or maybe I'm telling myself that so I know the outcome cause I dont like not knowing what's going to happen.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What he's doing is very cruel and unfair. Depression or not. Your anxiety is heightened because you feel out of control - and I don't blame you.

Take back control honey, tell him it's time to **** or get off the pot. Take control and don't sit around waiting for him to decide what's going to happen with YOUR life.


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## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

There is a difference between a person who is suffering from depression, ADHD, anxiety etc. and still keep doing some positive actions to overcome it, rather than someone who keeps damaging himself and relationship with booze, drugs and infidelity. He is just using his medical condition as an excuse to be an a55hole. I don't know with you, but if I was in your shoe, I would give him a list of things he should be doing and an ultimatum, and failure on his part will force me to kick him to the curb.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I agree with frusdil that you need to take back control. I may be missing something but I don’t see you talking about what you really want. Do you want to stay in this relationship or not? How much responsibility do you want to take for dealing with and helping with your husband’s mental health issues?

I don’t believe most people would think badly of you if you were to leave and live your own life but you are the one who has to live with your own feelings. You can still divorce but be involved but you don’t have to be.

Once you decide, then you can plan what you want to do.


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