# "Worst Year of my life" comment?



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

If your significant other, on New Years day, told you that 2017 was the worst year of their life, would that bother you?

And then, if you asked for clarification, and got nothing but silence?

It really bothered me. I don't know why. Maybe because, even though there were ups and downs for me in 2017 and the relationship, I was still madly in love with my wife and able to enjoy the great times!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It would bother me and I would want to know why it was the worst year of their life. And if they refused to tell me why, I would be upset/concerned.

She gave you no clue? 

What sort of things does she normally complain about?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

It would bother me that I do not already know why it was such a bad year for my spouse.

If I wanted to have a good marriage, then not knowing what currently bothers my spouse about me and our marriage is a huge warning that I am not paying enough attention to my spouse's emotional needs. If they are unhappy and I do not know why, that likely means they do not feel safe to share their thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, dreams and disappointments. If I am not the person my spouse shares that with, then I have to worry they will share it with someone else. That is how affairs are born.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

That's a bad sign on many levels. It's bad that she won't tell you. It's bad that you don't have a clue.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

FalCod said:


> That's a bad sign on many levels. It's bad that she won't tell you. It's bad that you don't have a clue.


Well first off, I never said I didn't have a clue why. I simple said it bothered me and I don't know why (it bothered me)

My wife is a big baby at times... with an under developed maturity level with many symptoms of bpd. But to tell someone it's the worst year of their life just seems excessive but I should be use to it by now.

I am developing a very thick skin these days. Gotta keep my sanity


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

So,.. You DO know why she said it. But you feel she's a big baby, so you don't pay much attention when she complains. So,what is bothering you? That she is annoying and cries too much, or that you can't bring yourself to comfort her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> Well first off, I never said I didn't have a clue why. I simple said it bothered me and I don't know why (it bothered me)
> 
> My wife is a big baby at times... with an under developed maturity level with many symptoms of bpd. But to tell someone it's the worst year of their life just seems excessive but I should be use to it by now.
> 
> I am developing a very thick skin these days. Gotta keep my sanity


Its the sort of thing a 15 year old who has never had a really bad thing happen to them ever would dramatically say.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you know why she feels that way, is her feeling reasonable, or has she had clearly worse years in the past?



MrNightly said:


> Well first off, I never said I didn't have a clue why. I simple said it bothered me and I don't know why (it bothered me)
> 
> My wife is a big baby at times... with an under developed maturity level with many symptoms of bpd. But to tell someone it's the worst year of their life just seems excessive but I should be use to it by now.
> 
> I am developing a very thick skin these days. Gotta keep my sanity


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Well first off, I never said I didn't have a clue why. I simple said it bothered me and I don't know why (it bothered me)
> 
> My wife is a big baby at times... *with an under developed maturity level with many symptoms of bpd.* But to tell someone it's the worst year of their life just seems excessive but I should be use to it by now.
> 
> I am developing a very thick skin these days. Gotta keep my sanity


The bold says a lot. It's likely just manipulation if you ask me. I would have amplified and agreed.

"Yeah, this year sucked arse. I've never questioned the will to live as much as I have in this moment with you."

Then smile widely and carry on.

Emotionally immature or BPD or whatever, it's a tactic to play a "woe is me" card to warp reality so you have to defend yourself and the situation.

It's a game. Don't play, or if you do, make it ridiculous.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Satya said:


> The bold says a lot. It's likely just manipulation if you ask me. I would have amplified and agreed.
> 
> "Yeah, this year sucked arse. I've never questioned the will to live as much as I have in this moment with you."
> 
> ...


Spot on.

I've been learning to do very similar type things, and they have short-circuited her episodes.

Thanks for the thoughts!


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

uhtred said:


> If you know why she feels that way, is her feeling reasonable, or has she had clearly worse years in the past?


Let's see: 

Her mom died at age 13
Her twin sister died at age 17
Her ex BF used to beat her up for fun

I think she's had much worse years... But being with me, who took her on trips, bought her gifts, let her stay home without having to work all year, and had our baby daughter... I wouldn't think that would ever rise to the level of Worst year ever....

She was just throwing another fit. I knew it inside, but sometimes it's helpful to bounce things off people outside of the two of us.

Kinda like this: I went to Australia for work for 3 weeks right after Thanksgiving, so I flew her to Thailand to see her family who she hadn't seen for 9 years. Then I flew to Thailand and spent 10 days with her until Xmas eve when we returned to the states. I spent a fair amount on the trip, but still got her a small necklace for Xmas along with a couple other small presents.

For me? Not a single damn gift. I was shocked, but shouldn't have been. It was that kinda thing that hurt more then it should. Would that have hurt anyone else or am I too sensitive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Its the sort of thing a 15 year old who has never had a really bad thing happen to them ever would dramatically say.


Really? Only a 15 year old can have the worst year of their life?

Hm.. the year that my twins died at birth.. I did say that it was a worst year of my life.

Before that I had some pretty bad things happen... like things I saw during war, or how about the year I was rapped, that pretty much ruined that year. Or how about the year that some stranger on the street walked up to me and started to strangle me and was dragging me into a an empty field.. that ruined more than a year.. 40+ years later I still have flashbacks.... So I guess I have several years that I could consider the 'worst year of my life'.

The idea that only a 15 year old who never had anything bad happen to them would say this is beyond ridiculous.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Why do you think she is so unhappy?




MrNightly said:


> Let's see:
> 
> Her mom died at age 13
> Her twin sister died at age 17
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Really? Only a 15 year old can have the worst year of their life?
> 
> Hm.. the year that my twins died at birth.. I did say that it was a worst year of my life.
> 
> ...


You missed my point entirely. 
I said that its the sort of thing that a 15 year old who hasn't had any thing bad happed may say. Teenagers are very selfish generally. This lady sounds the same. 

Never said that people didn't have bad years, I too have had terrible traumatic things happen in my past. I had 20 awful dark years from late 20's to late 40's.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> Let's see:
> 
> Her mom died at age 13
> Her twin sister died at age 17
> ...


Has she always been this selfish and self centered? Did you promise her the earth when you met her in Thailand as some foreign men do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> You missed my point entirely.
> I said that its the sort of thing that a 15 year old who hasn't had any thing bad happed may say. Teenagers are very selfish generally. This lady sounds the same.
> 
> Never said that people didn't have bad years, I too have had terrible traumatic things happen in my past. I had 20 awful dark years from late 20's to late 40's.


You do not know the OP's wife. She is not here to speak for herself. It's very likely that she has good reason for her feeling as she does. Dismissing the feeling of another person as childish and selfish is, well immature at best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Let's see:
> 
> Her mom died at age 13
> Her twin sister died at age 17
> ...


No, you are not too sensitive. Have you told your wife that you are hurt because she did not give you any gifts for Christmas? 

My take on this is that you and your wife need to talk about why she is so unhappy and why she did not give you any gifts.

Whatever her feeling, they are real to her. Dismissing her feelings about things will only drive an even bigger wedge between the two of you.

Do you think that she might be depressed? Depression can make just living seem unbearable.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Really? Only a 15 year old can have the worst year of their life?
> 
> Hm.. the year that my twins died at birth.. I did say that it was a worst year of my life.
> 
> ...


I would have liked this post but it seemed inappropriate.You really have had a hard life,from being bullied as a young girl,being assaulted, to the men you unfortunately married and the loss of your twin babies.
You have my utmost respect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> I would have liked this post but it seemed inappropriate.You really have had a hard life,from being bullied as a young girl,being assaulted, to the men you unfortunately married and the loss of your twin babies.
> You have my utmost respect.


Thanks. 

My view of life is that stuff happens and then we deal with it. I've had great joys as well... like my wonderful, son (adopted). Cherish the joys and deal with the rest.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Has she always been this selfish and self centered? Did you promise her the earth when you met her in Thailand as some foreign men do?


I actually met her in the States. She is fairly westernized after she was married to her first husband and lived her for 10 years. As far as I recall, I didn't promise her anything except my love.

And yes, she's always been this way. I keep hoping that I can help her mature some day.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> No, you are not too sensitive. Have you told your wife that you are hurt because she did not give you any gifts for Christmas?
> 
> My take on this is that you and your wife need to talk about why she is so unhappy and why she did not give you any gifts.
> 
> ...


We went to therapy for a while... she stopped going because the therapist asked too many questions about her family.

There's plenty of other threads on TAM about my wife and our history... I wasn't trying to make this one of them. 

Yes, her feelings are very real, however unwarranted they may be. Sometimes I feel she lives in an alternate reality... then other times I just think she has her sensitive meter set to 11.

Our problem is, we can't really talk about "issues" as she gets defensive and shuts down immediately. Every time I try to talk about either money or sex or communication, she gets mad at me. 

For instance from today: I've been sick the past week, she's done a great job of taking care of me. I asked if she wanted to have sex today, and she said no. Now, she actually did want it, so I ended up orally pleasing her (Which I do every single time and I can count on 1 hand how many times she's orally pleased me in the past 2 years) and then she reached down and touched me and I wasn't hard. She said, "You arent attracted to me anymore" and I said, "That's silly... you are beautiful baby... but you will just have to put a little effort into teasing/playing with me to get things going sometimes. Especially since i've been sick and I'm also getting older!!" Then I tried to explain that I didn't feel that she wanted/desired me, because she never puts effort into pleasing me, and she said, she was lazy. Then she got mad, and said that I didn't want her and walked out. I don't know how to deal with this.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> And yes, she's always been this way. I keep hoping that I can help her mature some day.


Why are you expecting her to be different in any way? You can't "fix" her and she's very unlikely to change without some serious counseling which she refuses to do. She won't own up to any of her downfalls and doesn't seem to want to make things any better. 

This is just another example of the BPD issue coming into play. Push, pull. Push, pull. Push, pull. Better get used to it.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Why are you expecting her to be different in any way? You can't "fix" her and she's very unlikely to change without some serious counseling which she refuses to do. She won't own up to any of her downfalls and doesn't seem to want to make things any better.
> 
> This is just another example of the BPD issue coming into play. Push, pull. Push, pull. Push, pull. Better get used to it.


I dunno... I'm wondering if it is really BPD or if she is just immature. Perhaps it's because i'm dealing with her "pushes" much better and not reacting, or perhaps she just is getting less verbally abusive. 

Either way, I've noticed a big trigger point with her: When I have to leave town for work. She just flips out. Which ties into her belief that I've got GF's in every corner of the world. I used to try to defend against this with logic, now I just laugh and say, "Yup, my GF in Austalia and GF in Thailand and GF in Vegas sure hope I never tell my wife about them.." or something. She just pouts.

Also, I've been using the, "I don't appreciate the way you are speaking to me right now... when you can carry on an adult conversation without attacking me, I'll be ready to talk." and then I walk away.

All good tips I've picked up from this site, thank you all!


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