# My wife and her new man



## tombstone (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi 
I am completely new to this but I am here because I feel my relationship with my wife could be coming to an end. We have been having a difficult few years of late but since the new year we seemed to be bonding better than ever before.

That was untill three weeks ago she went on a hen night, she came home and did not sleep with me for five nights, complaining that I snore too much, then by chance I checked her phone and found some messages on it which went like "are you looking forward to seeing me again" and things like that I confronted my wife that night and she said that it was nothing that she had just exchanged numbers with a man she met and they were just texting one another, she has said she has ended it but the problem I have is that she has changed her password on the phone and I don't know if she has ended it or not.

When I checked through the history on the computer it showed google searches for a man whose number was very similar to the one I had seen on her phone. I don't personally know this man but I have used his nickname as my username as I have a very good friend who owns a pub where this man is from. He is married also, I dont know if there is anything still going on but I am concerned as my wife has been very lovey dovey to me since and this is not normally her form.

The question I ask is should I trust her when she says its over or should I dig deeper and if there is noting there so be it but if there is I will be accused of controlling which I have never been as I always told her I would never leave her regardless of the situation but now I feel that I am been made to feel like a complete fool.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

dig deeper.
if she changed her password, 99% she has not ended it.
dont bring it up again til you have positive proof.
var in the car.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dig deeper and by all means get a VAR(voice activated recorder) and some velcrow and tape it under car seat or under the dash, get 2 there cheap, and plant one were ever she taks her calls.

You know shes hidding something hence the new pass word. 

Continue to investigate you will find your cheating wife is like an iceberg, theres more there then you can see. Trust us!

Find out who the OM is if he has a wife or GF then expose it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes she is trying to make you the fool, and will lose respect and attraction to you because you were made into a fool. She obviously is stepping way outside the marital boundaries by having this full on affair, what reason would she even end it knowing she can fool you? And you are afraid of being called controlling? That would be a compliment under the circumstances. The real question is: does she even deserve your loyal support? Unless she is willing to show real remorse and praise you for exposing this affair to everyone involved especially the OM's W she is quite clearly telling you she could care less about your loyal support. Sorry for the death of your marriage as you knew it, but atleast now you have the knowledge she is a cheater and you can exercise the power to do something about it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> dig deeper.
> if she changed her password, 99% she has not ended it.
> dont bring it up again til you have positive proof.
> var in the car.


Go dark. Don't bring it up. Like the above VAR in car, keylogger on computer. Where does she go in the house? Put a VAR in those rooms as well. Look at a GPS for the car she drives. 

Hopefully it passed. If not you will know soon.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Next time you get labeled controlling, tell her you will not control her she can leave the marriage and pack her thing but you will not tolorate the disrespect that you do have control over, and do this with a smile.

Never beg for your marrige she must se how confident you are in letting her go if she continues with this kind of behavior. Again she can do what she wants, and you will let her go and find the respect you diserve from someone else.

Its not about control brother its about what you will tolorate and what you are going to do about it.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

tombstone said:


> I don't personally know this man but I have used his nickname as my username as I have a very good friend who owns a pub where this man is from. .


Why would you make your username the nickname of a guy who you don't know personally who goes to a pub that your friend owns?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would guess she didn't sleep with you so she couldn't pass an std to you. See if you can find out if she had herself tested.

Has she been on anymore hen's night out? How often does she do this?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She changed the phone password? Ok, so take the phone and run it through the dishwasher. No more locked phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

what do they say on THE NFL SHOW, COME ON MAN !!!! I am a in ur face type,, so just pick it up and ask for the password. if she won't, go pack a bag for her and throw it out the door, but make sure you keep her and the phone in eyesight while you do. or better yet,, pick up the phone, put it in ur pocket and then pack her a bag, that way she will follow you while you pack for her and see what you are doing. then ask for the PW. and when she flip, just say you don't give a dm about controlling her, but she sure don't seem to give a damn about your feelings, so make me feel better, and give me the dm PW


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh and you are a COMPLETE FOOL, NEVER BUT NEVER say you won' leave, women don't want weak men for life mates, and that's what that says, well I guess Hotwives want guys like that, you know cucks. there are plenty of site with vids,, is that you dude. if not MAN UP.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Act normal and continue to be vigilant.
VAR, keylogger have been suggested here. So use them.

I think she has already got the hint that you are after her. So, until you gather evidences, dont confront.

Got kids?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife's affair has just started and has not stopped.

She is being extra lovey to you to throw you off. Meanwhile she is looking for some strange guy's info on the internet and sending/receiving texts like "are you looking forward to seeing me again?"

She is learning how to cheat and not get caught.

You are teaching her.

Being cold to you for five straight nights seemed natural for her because she is feeling excited by the other man or is afraid of giving you an STD, but it caused suspicion. Being lovey to you has worked so far. Changing her password has worked so far.

Your wife is following a script that almost all cheaters follow. She will lie and deceive in order to explore this new love interest.

You are following a script that almost all betrayed spouses follow. You will try to blame yourself, worry about being called controlling, and try to find excuses (other than the obvious - she is probably cheating) that could explain her behavior. You will give credence to her implausible explanations.

If you inquire further about her affair, she WILL accuse of being controlling and will let you know about all of your other faults as well. Her main goal at this point is to explore the exciting new possibility of love that she has found. If she receives a positive response from the other man, then in the next few weeks you will hear your wife tell you, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She is feeling this now, which is why she didn't sleep with you for five straight nights until you got suspicious, but she is not ready to tell you it until she feels a little more comfortable with the other man.

One way to handle it is to act like you're not suspicious of anything, completely trusting of her, then plant the voice-activated recorder in her car and see if you can catch her talking to the other man.

Another way to handle it is to just flat out tell your wife that you think she is having an affair. List off the reasons you just posted here - the not sleeping with you for five nights after her night out, the questionable text messages between her and a strange man she met in a bar, the search for the strange man on the internet, her changing her password on her phone. Then tell her that you want to see her phone immediately, before she has a chance to delete any text messages. Tell her that if she doesn't give it to you immediately, you will assume it is because she is in fact having an affair. Tell her you will apologize if you are wrong.

Any reasonable person would agree that you have enough to be suspicious about. If she doesn't acknowledge this, that is a red flag that she is cheating. She may already have deleted all texts. If she is new at cheating, she may not have deleted them yet. If she has deleted them, or if she refuses to show them to you, you can always still plant the voice-activated recorder.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Based on her looking the guy up on the internet, it does seem like it's just started. The sooner the affair ends, before she falls into the fantasy life of the affair and starts calling the other man her soulmate, the easier it will be for you to heal.

Even if contact has ended (very unlikely if she changed her password), you need to find out the truth so you can protect your marriage in the future from her exchanging questionable texts with strange men she meets on hen night.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

No more hen night.

Dont confront her until you have solid proof.

VAR and keylogger can help you to get the proof you needed.

When you have proof and confront her, never go emotional, be a cool man. Never ever beg her to stay in the marriage. It takes away the little respect left for you and she will treat you like a shi*t.

Dont buy any of her blame shifting. Affair and infidelity was her choice, you dont have anything to do with that.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

All very common. He's in the starring role in her fantasies, which she is likely spending more and more time living in. She's getting her motor reved up and all her juices flowing talking to and thinking about him. You step into the stunt c0ck role. 

The good news, it won't last. The bad news, it won't last.

Sorry man.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> Next time you get labeled controlling, tell her you will not control her she can leave the marriage and pack her thing but you will not tolorate the disrespect that you do have control over, and do this with a smile.
> 
> Never beg for your marrige she must se how confident you are in letting her go if she continues with this kind of behavior. Again she can do what she wants, and you will let her go and find the respect you diserve from someone else.
> 
> Its not about control brother its about what you will tolorate and what you are going to do about it.


 I'm a wife who was betrayed.

Listen up to this and what other posters are saying!

This 'controlling' sh** is just a line to control YOU.

The longer you wait to take action, the more of a fool you will find yourself to have been.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - when a cheating calls you "controlling" It means you are doing the right thing and make the affair harder.

It's like the "hot-cold" game. Controlling means hotter.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

When my first wife cheated she got more affectionate with me also. It's like they are trying to butter us up so we wont investigate.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> dig deeper.
> if she changed her password, 99% she has not ended it.
> dont bring it up again til you have positive proof.
> var in the car.


This!

Don't be fooled by her lovey-dovey actions. It's a trap of hers to make you think that her affair is over. Keep on snooping!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Who's name is her phone? Her's alone, yours of both. All our phones are in my name so I could have taken my wife's phone from her. But this last affair she got a burner phone. The problem with taking her phone (you can legally if it is in your name) and she deleted everything, you have nothing. I am not real phone savvy but some phones are such that you can get info from them.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The not sleeping with you for five days tells the whole story.
Snoring has nothing to do with it since you've probably been doing it ever since the two of you got together.
She knew (or thought she knew) that any sexual contact with you would have made her actions obvious.
What you need to decide is if your relationship is worth you putting up with being lied to and being treated as a fool.


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## tombstone (Apr 16, 2012)

I have confronted her about it she says it was just a few messages between them nothing to get worked up over.
I think it is solved but I will stay vigilant. 
To be honest I am afraid in this whole situation, my wife is a good woman and I love her very deeply but how can we trust when there has been a betrayal of that trust. I would like to thank everyone fro the replies thanks again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't roll over so easy. She knows she's been caught and, if there is an affair, she and the other man will take it submarine. 
Use the advice and methods that have been offered here and verify everything.

This is your marriage on the line...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

tombstone said:


> I have confronted her about it she says it was just a few messages between them nothing to get worked up over.
> I think it is solved but I will stay vigilant.
> To be honest I am afraid in this whole situation, my wife is a good woman and I love her very deeply but how can we trust when there has been a betrayal of that trust. I would like to thank everyone fro the replies thanks again.


To be honest thats what cheaters always say. Stay on your toes and investigate. What have you done to verify she is telling the truth. At this point if you are just taking her word for it you are going to lose her.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Yes, your wife is taking her affair underground. If she has nothing to hide, she would NEVER put a passcode on her phone, period!! Between husband and wife, there should be no secrets, no hiding etc!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tombstone said:


> I have confronted her about it she says it was just a few messages between them nothing to get worked up over.
> I think it is solved but I will stay vigilant.


"are you looking forward to seeing me again" and EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS WITH A MAN AT A BAR. And she thinks she can STILL get away with the line, "it's nothing to get worked up over."

And then you: "I think it is solved."

No, it is NOT solved at all. Not at all. My heart goes out to you, that you cannot see this. Your anxiety and lack of trust is your best self WARNING you that it is not solved.

This is called "gaslighting." Gaslighting is where a spouse who is betraying the marriage minimizes what they've done wrong. The trick is to make the loyal spouse think that the loyal spouse is the one with the problem. You know, stop being so uptight! Stop being a controlling neanderthal! All I did was _*exchange phone numbers with a man I met at a bar*_. Wives do that all the time! 

I take that back: the problem IS solved, it's just from her perspective. Because she saw it was like a snap of the fingers to put you back in your place, under her thumb. From this position, as your gut is telling you, she can do what she wants, she just needs to make you second guess yourself. She is doing it right in front of your nose on that phone, you're just separated from it by the password.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Don't be in denial.. Yes the truth is gonna hurt like crazy but stop this before she gets too far.. If you are happy and confortable with her explanation now you are sooo gonna wish you woulda snooped and done something about it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

because later on down the road she will be soo far gone in her affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bump


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bumping again.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

You keep bumping this thread and no one answers that's because there's nothing more to say unless you post some sort of update.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She changed the phone password? Ok, so take the phone and run it through the dishwasher. No more locked phone.


That would probably ruin the phone.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't think tomb wanted to face the truth. We've seen them before. The replies did'nt match his avoiding the truth. His wife fell from grace for one night, slept apart until she tighten back up, and smothered him to make up. Hopefully she won't fall again, or at least find something smaller.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

reggis said:


> That would probably ruin the phone.


Yes. It would. It would also remove it as a tool to use in the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yes, pretty common around here. A newly betrayed comes here in shock and denial, and if the WS tries to fake R, usually at the first "sorry", the BS immediatey grants forgiveness and disappears from the forum. When in reality the BS quickly rugsweeps and the affair goes underground. The WS becomes more careful because the BS knows or is suspicious now. Sometimes they come back here after another DDay or they go to another forum where no one knows their username.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Yes. It would. It would also remove it as a tool to use in the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She'll just get another phone?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

reggis said:


> She'll just get another phone?


That could get expensive.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

He'll be back sobbing you guys were right.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I understand him. I did this myself. But sooner or later, he's going to have to deal w/ it.


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