# should I leave the door open?



## cnm (Sep 28, 2015)

Its been a long hard road. My wife and I married when we were 22. We are 38 now and going through a divorce that she initiated. Our marriage wasn't terrible, in fact I think that it was probably better than what I have let her convince me that it was. About a year and a half ago my stepson was in the hospital and my wife and his father spent a substantial amount of time together. I realize now that they started reconnecting. They didn't Have much of a relationship when they were teenagers. He knocked her up and was never really a part of my stepsons life except for every other weekend and summers, but even then he wasnt much of a father. This guy has cheated on every woman that he has ever been with. Shortly after they spent that time in the hospital, she gave me the whole "I love u but am not in love with you " speech and I was off to the races to repair my marriage in which I am pretty sure I did more than most me would have done. I learned for almost a year and a half and applied what I learned. My efforts didn't have any affect on her and now I realize that it was because she was in the affair fog. Im not sure how long it took to go from being an emotional affair to becoming physical, but I do know that I think was a slap in the face since I raised his son. She has moved my 3 younger children into a two bedroom trailer with this guy and I now have the support of her family and my stepson to go after custody. Our divorce isn't even final yet. My attorney thinks I will probably get custody. This might be the wake up call that she needs but I dont know if I could take her back. Should I leave that door open?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I do not think that there is a 'should' in this. What's she's done is pretty awful... she did not 'just' have an affair. She was ok to use you for years to raise her child. Then when she goes off with the child's father after all that. And she took your children to live with the guy???? 

Oh hell no...

I'd say file for divorce and fight for 100% custody. If at some point she wants back with you... decide at that point. If you consider leaving the door open at this time, you will act with hesitancy and compromise your children's well being. Your children should not be living with another man under the circumstances.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

cnm said:


> Should I leave that door open?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



IMHO, yes.

Divorce, because you need custody of your kids. Your future XW is going through a personal crisis of which she will eventually come out. Detach so her choices don't hurt you. Your son knows who his real father is. Your not so sane WW will see the error of her ways.

Peace, love, and light,

Bibi


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No! She has given you the preemptive "air" and has likely reconnected with her ex to the point that she has been doing "the nasty" with him behind your back! There is no further loyalty to you for what all you have done for her, as you have become her fastidious "Plan B!"

Proceed full speed ahead with the D, and for full custody and child support for the kids! You deserve far more loyalty and love out of life!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cnm (Sep 28, 2015)

She actually had me served on our 15 year anniversary. I bought her some roses and she had me removed from our home. She had tried to get me to leave for awhile but I refused to abandon my kids. Its not so much about her, but about the kids. I know that I can find someone who will treat me right but I also know that couples who survive affairs come out even stronger. The right thing to do right now is to focus on the kids, I just always wanted them to have that family dynamic of a father and mother for them to model after.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

cnm said:


> She actually had me served on our 15 year anniversary. I bought her some roses and she had me removed from our home. She had tried to get me to leave for awhile but I refused to abandon my kids. Its not so much about her, but about the kids. I know that I can find someone who will treat me right but I also know that couples who survive affairs come out even stronger. The right thing to do right now is to focus on the kids, I just always wanted them to have that family dynamic of a father and mother for them to model after.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did she have you removed from your home?

DV charges?

Where is your lawyer in all of this?


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

cnm said:


> She actually had me served on our 15 year anniversary. I bought her some roses and she had me removed from our home. She had tried to get me to leave for awhile but I refused to abandon my kids. Its not so much about her, but about the kids. I know that I can find someone who will treat me right but* I also know that couples who survive affairs come out even stronger.* The right thing to do right now is to focus on the kids, I just always wanted them to have that family dynamic of a father and mother for them to model after.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You can believe this if you get to the reconciliation stage. You are no where near that. That's a good door to leave open if she ever decides you are Plan A.

((((hugs))))

You are not even on Plan A or B in her radar right now.

Move on and detach to avoid getting hurt more. 

Bibi


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi cnm,

No matter what you must deal with this from a position of strength. Strength being in the family home with primary physics and legal custody and divorce. With out giving away the bank, offer incentives to achieve these goals and hasten the divorce. She is in Lala land and desperate to move on. Use it. 

Once you achieve these, and only then, you can decide your future.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cnm said:


> Its been a long hard road. My wife and I married when we were 22. We are 38 now and going through a divorce that she initiated. Our marriage wasn't terrible, in fact I think that it was probably better than what I have let her convince me that it was. About a year and a half ago my stepson was in the hospital and my wife and his father spent a substantial amount of time together. I realize now that they started reconnecting. They didn't Have much of a relationship when they were teenagers. He knocked her up and was never really a part of my stepsons life except for every other weekend and summers, but even then he wasnt much of a father. This guy has cheated on every woman that he has ever been with. Shortly after they spent that time in the hospital, she gave me the whole "I love u but am not in love with you " speech and I was off to the races to repair my marriage in which I am pretty sure I did more than most me would have done. I learned for almost a year and a half and applied what I learned. My efforts didn't have any affect on her and now I realize that it was because she was in the affair fog. Im not sure how long it took to go from being an emotional affair to becoming physical, but I do know that I think was a slap in the face since I raised his son. She has moved my 3 younger children into a two bedroom trailer with this guy and I now have the support of her family and my stepson to go after custody. Our divorce isn't even final yet. My attorney thinks I will probably get custody. This might be the wake up call that she needs but I dont know if I could take her back. Should I leave that door open?


When I read ^this^, my first response was, "No."

Having read this, though...



cnm said:


> *She actually had me served on our 15 year anniversary. I bought her some roses and she had me removed from our home. She had tried to get me to leave for awhile but I refused to abandon my kids.* Its not so much about her, but about the kids. I know that I can find someone who will treat me right but I also know that couples who survive affairs come out even stronger. The right thing to do right now is to focus on the kids, I just always wanted them to have that family dynamic of a father and mother for them to model after.


...my response would now be, "HELL NO!"


----------



## cnm (Sep 28, 2015)

Does anybody have any recommendations on any good books on how to detach?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You detach by being a good dad to your kids. Be there for them and any contact with her should be about the kids and that's it. If she calls to talk to you about anything other than that hang up. Out of sight out of mind

Another thing. Anytime you get that feeling about wanting her back, just think of what she did to you and how she has you served with divorce papers and you have a bunch of roses in your hand for her. That should tell you all you need to know. I would for me.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

cnm said:


> Does anybody have any recommendations on any good books on how to detach?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't need a book...You need a "pair". Simply look her straight in the eyes and say these words..."We're done. See you in court." And then go get the most aggressive attorney and let them eat her alive.

And then hold the line.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cnm said:


> Does anybody have any recommendations on any good books on how to detach?


Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. That's how you detach. Do what it says and go as much no contact as you can.


----------

