# Advice on Separation/Living Together situation



## Brunette_1973 (Jan 9, 2011)

Hey folks,

After 6 years of his infidelity, I've seen the light and wish to move on. I had filed for divorce in 2009 but decided to give him another chance. He has proven time and again that he can't be trusted. I think it's just best for me to move on. Having said that, this time I won't have him kicked out of the house but will let him stay until the house sells. The thing is..he acts like I won't really leave. Seriously, I'd rather he would act like a man and realize he did wrong and just leave so I can have some peace without him around. So my questions:

1. Do I have to cook for him?
2. Do I have to pick up after him?
3. I go to a church which is attends with me and our daughter (but he is not a believer). Do I have to go to church with him and/or sit with him? 

Would love to get some feedback or hear your thoughts. 

Thanks.


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

1. no
2. no
3. no

If you continue to act like a wife he will continue to believe you aren't serious and are just caving and taking him back like last time. Why do you want him to stay in the house??


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I agree with no, no, and no. Sounds like he's in denial. I wouldn't even be like roommates. It should be very serious and businesslike. You are not responsible for him.


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## Brunette_1973 (Jan 9, 2011)

I really don't want him to stay in the house, but it's for economic reasons. We both contribute to the mortgage. With the housing market the way it is, I think the house is going to take a long time to sell. I'm not willing to sell below my break-even point.


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

I can see alot of couples doing that but I wouldn't do any of your old wifely duties, but that is my 2 cents.


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## Brunette_1973 (Jan 9, 2011)

The thing is when we both get home from work, I head straight to the kitchen and start cooking for myself and my three year old daughter. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't even help clean up. I'm trying to be civil for my daughter's sake and have my husband eat with us like we are this one big happy family. But the tension just builds inside me and I'm sure the little one feels it. 

I need to put together some kind of routine where I don't have to eat with him or cook for him or even buy his groceries (he does not even give me money for groceries, but he has no problems eating what I buy) but I'm not sure how to go about it.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

That's a really hard situation. Maybe lay your foot down and tell him that he needs to feed himself. I had a coworker go through this, same thing with the housing market and all. She ended up just having to leave as she felt like a prisoner. Their credit will be wrecked, but she couldn't handle it any longer. Are there any other options? Like renting the house out or anything?


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## Ticky (Dec 29, 2010)

If he wants to eat what you have cooked and bought then he should be giving you money for this. Its really not fair for you to have to continue to look after him. I would probably find it hard when cooking not to cook for one extra person but the least he could do is pay for it himself and possible even give you extra for cooking and cleaning up after him.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

great question, I'll be in the same situation soon. We have lived in separate bedrooms for three years now, so there is already some level of separateness, but once the divorce process starts I'll need to answer similar questions that you need answers to. 

In the past many many years of marriage my wife has cooked a total of zero times, despite having inconvenient dietary preferences (not only does she strictly avoid foods that our child and I like, she 'gets ill' if we even try to cook them). But yet she refuses to cook. That's pretty messed up, and obviously one of the many sources of disconnect in this marriage.

So - I too will no longer cook, nor grocery shop. I'll hold off cooking anything that might make her 'ill' from the very smell of it. I'll do my own dishes, and will cook for our child of course.

I'll do my own laundry, and already do my own cleaning up.

The trouble is that I'd like for the divorce process to be 'gentle' on all of us - in particular our child - so I don't want to mess that up for something as short-term as separating chores. It's a balancing act I don't know how to manage - on one hand you want to start being clear that your lives are on a path to separate lives. On the other hand there will already be enough tension in the divorce process that creating more tension by quibbling over chores for several months is not in the best interest of your children or your sanity. What to do?

I'd love to hear experiences from someone who has managed this kind of transition successfully.


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