# not talking after arguement



## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

me and my husband have been together 7 years, married for 1 year. we met when we were both teenagers and have not been with anyone else, we have no children. we have our usual disagreements which are generally sorted out there and then. we had an argument 2 days ago about something stupid. things were said on both sides which were not nice. there was also a bit of pushing and shoving on both sides.

he now wont talk to me, has taken to sleeping on the sofa and is just being rude and ignoring me. the most i get from him is one word answers or just get told to leave him alone.

iv tried ignoring him and giving him space, iv tried being nice to him, asking if he wants dinner etc but hes just saying no. iv told him im sorry in person, iv text him telling him im sorry and want to work things out but hes not interested. i honestly dont know what to do. whenever we have big arguements before, its always me who does the grovelling and has to wait for him to accept it but i cant go on like this. its affecting me, my work etc


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it asap.

As for your fight, all you can do is wait. 

That said, if this is a pattern of his, I'd ask you to look a little more into his behavior. Does he make you feel bad? Does he blame you for lots of things? Does he yell? What's the deal?


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

thanks for the book, have started reading it online. just hope i have time to finish it before anything gets worse.

he does seem to blame me for most things, his way is always right etc but i put that down to him being a man


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then I have another book to read, a very important one. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. He may not fall into this category, but if he does, you need to know now.


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

Apart from reading books to understand about men, does anyone have any advice on what I should do now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Give him what he wants. Ignore him and leave him alone.

Some people aren't happy until they feel they've made a point. His point to you is he's angry with you and will stay that way as long as he feels necessary. He wants you to learn some lesson. It's the silent treatment... a passive aggressive and manipulation tactic people use to gain control.



> whenever we have big arguements before, its always me who does the grovelling and has to wait for him to accept it but i cant go on like this.


You can't give into it this time. Stop this pattern of behavior.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I can't think of a book right off hand but you need to learn how to fight fair. It takes two to fight and since I'm talking to you not him you'll need to learn how to diffuse an argument before it gets to this point.

Do you know what his personality type is? Have you studied the dynamic you have and how to change it? You know from beginning to end. At the moment what I see it the pattern is you argue, he withdraws, you chase, he comes back, and you start the whole thing all over again. You can change this but you have to stop it early before the fight. You can also stop it by not chasing (this rewards his silent treatment btw).

We really do train people how to treat us. He's getting a payoff for acting childish you know that right?


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

I know you are all right, I do need to just leave him alone and not reward his behaviour etc. I see that now. I guess my biggest fear is that he will continue with the silent treatment and not want to come back etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

First off pushing and shoving is VERY bad. 

This leads to abuse. I would not put up with my wife pushing or shoving me. I would push her away and go see a lawyer. If you initiated the pushing then you need to deal with this about yourself. Men are physically stronger than most women and if they fight back they get put in jail. Some women know this and taunt them. Not saying you did this. But who started this pushing? if it was him then you have another issue.

What exactly were these things being said? Depending how all this went down he may be justified in his feelings about you.

Is there infidelity going on? What was this argument about?

His Needs Her Needs is a great book. Best done as a couple. Not knowing what the argument was about make sure you cover the boundary setting as well.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Think of the last time this happened. What did you do?

Do the opposite.

If you sat on the other side of the room or house waiting for him to come out of his funk, leave the house. Go out with friends. Go get a pedicure. Go to a movie. Go for a walk.

And start reading one of those books as soon as you can. Go sit at a bookstore and settle in while he mopes at home. Believe it or not, it actually does make you feel better to walk away and read something that gives you some insight to the dynamic and these behaviors.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MrsA said:


> I know you are all right, I do need to just leave him alone and not reward his behaviour etc. I see that now. I guess my biggest fear is that he will continue with the silent treatment and *not want to come back *etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And if he doesn't? That's his choice to make. It's childish.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Yeah the pushing and shoving on both sides is crazy. I know physical malice is never good on ANY side but its much more easier to tolerate if it were just coming from you. Women will get upset and push a man out of their face or slap him upside the head it's the run of the mill but when he's shoving you that's f**cked dude!

So what if he didn't come back? You're showing huge signs of codependency of the worst degree. The groveling and incessant apologizing is bullsh*t. He's further abusing you by carrying on this crap. Don't tolerate it. Tell him that he needs to get over or move out. Seriously this behavior is infantile and will only make your marriage unbearable.


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

He's all iv ever known tho so in that respect have no idea how I would cope if he did finish it with me. Then there's the shame and embarrassment of being separated at 26. I can't talk to anyone, not even family as I'm ashamed. He couldn't care less what people think and tells me i shouldn't either but thats just me i guess He will be home from work soon and I intend to just chill and wait for him to make the first move, if he ever does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

You asked for advice and were offered some that didn't include sitting and waiting for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm not literally sat here waiting for him, I'm just not chasing him anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ok, I'm going to give you some advice that could fix this in the short term. To be clear, there are bigger problems here that need to be solved and this won't solve them.

I once acted like your husband. Not as a pattern, but one time after an argument. Basically felt like I was DONE. But the truth is, I'm a big softy and a sucker for a crying girl and a sucker for a submissive girl. So anyway, I came home from work, still pissed, and prepared to continue giving my wife the cold shoulder. But when I walked in she came running to me and wrapped her arms around me tight. She put her head on my shoulder and frankly she wouldn't let go. She sobbed into my shoulder for 10 or 15 minutes.

Oh, and then makeup sex.

That solved it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I understand. I've been there, believe me. I'm just saying it might be good for both of you, if you surprise him by not being there when he gets home--text or leave a note saying "out doing xyz," take some space and give him a chance to miss you for a few hours.
I have SO been there. I feel better when I go do my own thing when my H clearly wasn't ready to talk after an argument.
Puts the ball back in your court a little.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

Thank you “WorkingOnMe" for the advice
Sadly other half doesn't approve of me crying during arguments tho so not sure crying would help. On the other hand tho, running up and cuddling/crying is not something iv ever done so maybe it could work
I know we have bigger issues to solve, just one step at a time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, this would totally not work with my H either. Hope you saw my most recent reply after workingonme's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Someone so skilled at giving the silent treatment likely isn't moved by emotional outbursts. 

Just my .02


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

I did thankyou, he's home now, has already been out for a walk with the dogs (very unlike him) and is now doing something with the drain I think. Iv already planned to go out tomorrow evening with a friend, it's the last thing I actually feel like doing as I don't want people knowing what's going on and will just have to make rubbish up when she asks how I am. Maybe some space will do us both good. Still breaking my heart how much he's hurting me tho
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's my view of the apologizing thing...

I've had my share of fights with my wife. There was a time that I'd apologize and (a) she would take it as a sign to continue the fight or (b) not acknowledge the apology. Things were settled only when she was ready to let them be settled.

So I stopped apologizing and went on with my business.

Not sure how your other fights have been settled but if he has apologized in the past and it wasn't accepted, maybe he feels it won't be now.

But also... if it got to a point of physical confrontation there's more going on in your marriage than just this argument.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MrsA said:


> Thank you “WorkingOnMe" for the advice
> Sadly other half doesn't approve of me crying during arguments tho so not sure crying would help. On the other hand tho, running up and cuddling/crying is not something iv ever done so maybe it could work
> I know we have bigger issues to solve, just one step at a time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just for the record, I wasn't talking about cuddling. I was talking about holding on for dear life. There's a huge difference. And I wouldn't respond to cuddling either.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it is.
Try to remember this cheesy saying: "Hurt people, hurt people."
And take care of yourself and put on a cool, calm unaffected air even when all you want to do is throw things at him or throw yourself at him. Do something physical to get the energy out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MrsA said:


> I did thankyou, he's home now, has already been out for a walk with the dogs (very unlike him) and is now doing something with the drain I think. Iv already planned to go out tomorrow evening with a friend, it's the last thing I actually feel like doing as I don't want people knowing what's going on and will just have to make rubbish up when she asks how I am. Maybe some space will do us both good. Still breaking my heart how much he's hurting me tho
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I were you I'd leave the house and go to a movie. Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, ANYTHING TO GET ME OUT FOR SEVERAL HOURS.

Do a double feature even. He wants space? He can have outer space.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Here's a thought: If you normally do things for him, like fix dinner or do his laundry, then stop. If he is tuning you out, then take the position that you are not responsible for him. The pouting should last long after that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrsA said:


> I know you are all right, I do need to just leave him alone and not reward his behaviour etc. I see that now. I guess my biggest fear is that he will continue with the silent treatment and not want to come back etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then why would you want a man who would leave you for an argument?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrsA said:


> He's all iv ever known tho so in that respect have no idea how I would cope if he did finish it with me. Then there's the shame and embarrassment of being separated at 26. I can't talk to anyone, not even family as I'm ashamed. He couldn't care less what people think and tells me i shouldn't either but thats just me i guess He will be home from work soon and I intend to just chill and wait for him to make the first move, if he ever does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 If you are letting your SHAME dictate how you live your life, then you need to get yourself to a psychologist pronto and start going and learning why you are like this. It is VERY unhealthy and damaging to you and everyone else. That's not a criticism, btw; most likely you learned these behaviors from your parents. But you can learn to be on your own and happy for it.

fwiw, I never recommend anyone to get married before at least 25, as the brain doesn't stop developing until then - before then, you are still learning and changing and becoming the complete person. What you KNEW you wanted at 18, 20, 22, can be completely different from what you want at 25. You two probably are incompatible but don't know how to move on.


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

We got married when we were 25 after a 2 year engagement. Had lived together 3 years before getting married and it wasn't something we rushed into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I thought you said you were together as teenagers and haven't had anyone else?


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

We were but we never rushed things like I said
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

And he's gone to bed on the sofa again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sounds like my husband... I'm so sorry you're going through this... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

He's kind of talking but only when it suits him. Not sure if we are in a break or not. I'm planning to go out tonight and will let him be at home alone and see if he manages to think things through. Probably not but who knows
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

How many days have gone by with him not talking to you?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. 
I've been there. My ex used to be like your H. He would never make the first step, he would always blame me, he would never say sorry. 
I was always the one who did all those steps. He would go on for days without talking.

The best way is to ignore him just like he's ignoring you. It worked for me.


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## MrsA (Aug 16, 2012)

3nights so far on the sofa, his choice. He has muttered the odd word to me today, mainly asking if the dogs needed walking. Nothing of any relevance. 
I don't understand how he thinks we can sort stuff out by ignoring eachother. It's like we are just flat mates, not husband and wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

MrsA said:


> I know you are all right, I do need to just leave him alone and not reward his behavior etc. I see that now. I guess my biggest fear is that he will continue with the silent treatment and not want to come back etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yikes. As a man who was, to my shame, very much like your husband through the bulk of my marriage, please allow me to let you know what I think is going on here.

Your husband is exhibiting all the signs of emotionally abusive behavior.

Telling him this will not wake him up just yet. The good news is that you're not the first person to experience this and that there is a way out for you.

Read whatever you can online about how to deal with emotionally abusive behavior. Right now your being nice to him is simply reinforcing his belief that what he is doing is right.

One day he may be ready to ready the book, "Hold on to Your N.U.T.s" and to learn that his behavior is unmanly. But right now he probably won't listen - he's too busy sulking and punishing you for the way he feels.

Best of luck to you!


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## Lucianne (Jul 16, 2012)

Your post hits very close to home with me...I have been there! My H & I did rush into marriage tho...not the smartest thing to have done. There have been so many times when there was nothing but silent treatment for weeks, absolutely heartbreaking, with me begging him to talk to me, asking him how he could treat someone that he said he loved this way...etc, with very little response. All I wanted was out, but we had kids and I had quit work to stay home with them and felt trapped, so miserable. Last year I went back to work full time and things got harder, the things that I had been doing around the house began to go undone and his attitude just got worse. Christmas this past year I went out with friends from work to shop, when I got home the kids met me at the door in tears, he had talked crap about me to them all afternoon. That was it, I wrote him a letter and told him that while I knew I was not perfect, he was not either and I was no longer going to live in this way....I was done. To make a longer story a lil bit shorter, it hit him hard. It has not been easy, but thru a lot of talking and listening, we have come so far...I can actually say that I am mostly happy now and the mood swings are much better. When they do happen, I let him know when he has crossed the line and I am trying harder to make sure I meet his needs also. There was so much resentment built up between us. 

All this to say, it has taken a lot of work, and a lot more to come I am sure, but things are so much better...and yeah, our problems started out early in our marriage too. I just wish I had had the confidence to stand up to him then, might have had an impact earlier. I think the silent/cold shoulder treatment hurts as bad as anything he could have done to me, it is just CRUEL, I have cried so many tears in the bedroom while he sat in the living room seemingly unfazed by it all :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi. You married my ex. He'd do the silent treatments & also also sleep on the couch after any sort of disagreement, sometimes w/o any disagreement. (his silent treatments would last up to weeks at at ime).

Stop groveling and apologizing if you have done nothing wrong. 

You could say "When you do this it makes me really not feel connected to you and is killing any good feelings I have. If we are g oing to be married, we need to communicate."

If he won't give in then decide whether you wan to live this way for the rest of your life. 26 is young.

I ended up leaving my husband at 28. The day I left he'd not spoken a word to me in a month and a half. (he would do this off and off every few weeks). I left him a note saying "Now you can have all your silence." 

It's emotional abuse if he does this in a habitual pattern.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MrsA said:


> 3nights so far on the sofa, his choice. He has muttered the odd word to me today, mainly asking if the dogs needed walking. Nothing of any relevance.
> I don't understand how he thinks we can sort stuff out by ignoring eachother. It's like we are just flat mates, not husband and wife
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly I feel like smacking your husband upside his head.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Me, too! lol


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

MrsA said:


> Apart from reading books to understand about men, does anyone have any advice on what I should do now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For what to do starting right now, have a look at the link below for practical ideas about how to change your response to him emotionally abusing you by repeatedly giving you the silent treatment. It's imperative you change your response, and attitude and realise you can be happy in spite of him acting like a spoilt child. The link should help you to see ways to stop playing his pathetic manipulative game. 

Going out for the evening is a good start - just about anything is better than staying home looking sad and needy which is just the way he wants you to feel coz it means he's in control and has the upper hand. 

I truly do feel for you coz I put up with silent treatment for more years than I'm prepared to admit. I was too embarrassed to tell anybody that we often went weeks without speaking and little did I know then that my keeping these not speaking episodes to myself was just another aspect of my unknowingly playing his game. But, believe you me, I am living proof that it is possible to break this pattern.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I take back everything I said before. 

He does this because it gets results. You walking on eggshells and following him like a puppy. I say, remove the results. Go on with your life. If he doesn't want to talk, then refuse to cook for him and just go out to dinner by yourself or with a friend. Spend Saturday doing something fun. Dont text, call or return any texts. Pull a 180 on him.


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