# Results of "The Talk"



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

My wife's sexual apatite has changed over the last several years to the point where it has become quite vanilla. The frequency is good and she does her share of initiating, but sex for us has become one or two minutes of foreplay after which she is pulling me to enter her. She says it's because she is turned on and anxious to get down to business, but the result is that our love making sessions have become rather plain and quick and a bit unfulfilling for me.

I tried to do one of those on-line sex surveys to find out what interests her but she wouldn't do it. I tried to get her to read some books with me but she won't do that either, but I have found a way to get her to open up and talk about our sex life a little. Sometimes on date night we will pour some wine and play some sexual Uno. It's pretty simple, whoever wins a round of Uno gets to ask the loser a question that must be answered honestly, have them perform a sexual deed, or remove an article of clothing. So some time back we decided to play Uno for date night. I win the first round and ask, "What is something sexual that we used to do that you would like to do again?" Her answer was that we haven't made love in the backyard lately or in the pool house. Not exactly what I was looking for but that's okay.

She won the next round and asked, "Are you happy with our sex life?" My answer was, "Well, it's gotten pretty vanilla." She asked what I meant by that and I told her that we used to do a whole variety of stuff like watching sexy movies, reading erotica together, taking pictures and video. We used to have a whole drawer full of toys and over the years they have not been replaced as they got old and many have been thrown away because she didn't like to do that anymore. We used to visit adult bookstores and she would see a toy and say, "Oh, that looks like fun," and we would buy it. We were in Vegas a month ago and visited a couple of bookstores and she could not have acted more disinterested. About six weeks ago, I was about to initiate sex by going down on her and she stopped me saying, "that's not my favorite." I haven't gone down on her since and she doesn't seem to miss it. So we have been getting more and more vanilla and I have been getting more and more dissatisfied.

Well, as you can imagine, she got defensive and we ended up arguing. Finished the night getting drinks and watching TV until she went to bed. Next day, we were busy with grandkids and working around the house. Things were cool between us but we were not fighting but we were not being loving either. That night, when we went to bed, she said, "I honestly don't know what to do." I said, "how can you not? I've been telling you for months the things that I want to do. You keep saying that you will do these things but then you never do." She said, "I'm sorry, I just get lazy." Then it dawned on me, she has no capability to understand what I've been telling her.

I can't change her so I decided to change myself. If there is something I want to do, I just tell her what we're going to do. She's pretty receptive to my suggestions and goes along. We've done some role playing and I have more role play ideas to implement. Have plans to take her out to lunch at a restaurant that's inside a local hotel and then take her up to a room for the afternoon.

So I figure that she will either get the idea and start coming up with stuff on her own (which I don't expect) or she will just allow me to keep leading and just get more lazy. I would appreciate your thoughts.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Taking the initiative to go for what you want is the best path. She appears to be receptive to your advances. I also strongly agree with just working on yourself. Dread has a way of waking up a spouse who is sexually taking you for granted.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> My wife's sexual apatite has changed over the last several years to the point where it has become quite vanilla. The frequency is good and she does her share of initiating, but sex for us has become one or two minutes of foreplay after which she is pulling me to enter her. She says it's because she is turned on and anxious to get down to business, but the result is that our love making sessions have become rather plain and quick and a bit unfulfilling for me.
> 
> I tried to do one of those on-line sex surveys to find out what interests her but she wouldn't do it. I tried to get her to read some books with me but she won't do that either, but I have found a way to get her to open up and talk about our sex life a little. Sometimes on date night we will pour some wine and play some sexual Uno. It's pretty simple, whoever wins a round of Uno gets to ask the loser a question that must be answered honestly, have them perform a sexual deed, or remove an article of clothing. So some time back we decided to play Uno for date night. I win the first round and ask, "What is something sexual that we used to do that you would like to do again?" Her answer was that we haven't made love in the backyard lately or in the pool house. Not exactly what I was looking for but that's okay.
> 
> ...


My initial thoughts at least, she's more comfortable in letting you lead where sex goes than you may believe she is. It's a deeper subject than this but guys are taught to always ask what the gal wants but in reality many women do still want the guy to lead and that in itself is their preference. 

It sounds like that here. So one direction to try is intentionally let YOUR imagination be your guide at this stage in your relationship. 

She'll tell when she's not game, and that's of course good. But you may want to become more comfortable in your role as leader here. Push the envelope as both desire, see what happens. Things may not be as bleak as you think. Roles do shift, cycle, in a ltr.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Perspective is important.

You have an active, if not completely satisfying sex life.

Which puts you in the top 3% of posters here, or in general I would presume.

You mentioned grandkids, so I'm presuming you both are well north of 40.

I watched my ex-wife's libido crater spectacularly after menopause at age 51.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's not being lazy for her to want you to lead. If that's what works for you both then carry on with it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> My initial thoughts at least, she's more comfortable in letting you lead where sex goes than you may believe she is. It's a deeper subject than this but guys are taught to always ask what the gal wants but in reality many women do still want the guy to lead and that in itself is their preference.
> 
> It sounds like that here. So one direction to try is intentionally let YOUR imagination be your guide at this stage in your relationship.
> 
> She'll tell when she's not game, and that's of course good. But you may want to become more comfortable in your role as leader here. Push the envelope as both desire, see what happens. Things may not be as bleak as you think. Roles do shift, cycle, in a ltr.





Deejo said:


> Perspective is important.
> 
> You have an active, if not completely satisfying sex life.
> 
> ...





Diana7 said:


> It's not being lazy for her to want you to lead. If that's what works for you both then carry on with it.





jsmart said:


> Taking the initiative to go for what you want is the best path. She appears to be receptive to your advances. I also strongly agree with just working on yourself. Dread has a way of waking up a spouse who is sexually taking you for granted.


I’ve quoted the other posters because I think they all make good points. 

I am also assuming you are middle aged or even menopausal age. 

A few of the TAM porn stars and studs will come on here and say that they’ve been having wild monkey sex nightly for 40 years, but the reality for a lot of people in long term marriages is that intense flame of yesteryear is now often more of a warm glow. 

You actually sound like you have a very healthy loving sex life, you just don’t have the intensity of years gone by. Oh how I know exactly where you are coming from!! LOL

I do believe age and hormones and length of relationships and even the stability of relationships all play a factor. 

A young woman with raging, baby making hormones who’s kind of a little unsure of her relationship security is going to be a far cry different sexually than a 50 year old post menopausal woman who has been in a very secure marriage for 30 years. 

And yes as we 50something year old men lose our ambition, muscle tone and hair while at the same time gaining abdominal fat and ear hair, women simply respond to us less vigorously as well. 

That’s not to say that our sexuality is over. I don’t believe it ever truly ends. It’s just different. It’s a different flavor than it used to be. 

I think all of these posters have made good points and I concur with all of them. 

What I will add to the mix is that in a number of ways, you and your wife sound a lot like me and mine in that you had a very active and creative and varied sex life back in the day and now those hot flames are dying down into more flickers or perhaps even glowing embers.

I know I was the one that lazy back in the day because my wife was very sexually adventurous and in reality probably initiated a lot more than I did. All I had to do was be available. 

But now things are a lot different. Now we’ve been together for decades. She is post menopausal and on a variety of medications that also likely effect her libido - and I have lost my hair, gained weight and just don’t have the same drive and ambition in life in general as I used to. 

Back in the day, she would hit me up for some love’ns every few days,,,,,,, now if I want anything, it will be up to me to make it happen. I will have to take the bull by the horns and see where I can lead it. 

It’s different than actual rejection and denial..... it’s a loss of spontaneous desire and a reduction in the amount of reactive desire than can be generated per unit of effort. 

Most days the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze anymore. 

My suggestion at this point is as was said above, become more comfortable being the initiator in leading down that path. 

She’s not rejecting you or denying you. She just isn’t as anxious to tear your clothes off and devour you as before. That doesn’t mean that she still isn’t experiencing pleasure or feel it a living experience (as long as she isn’t experiencing pain or that she’s being used as a sperm receptical which can happen if you’re not careful) 

Some of it is just not being 25 year olds anymore.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I address the dreaded "Talk" in my book, *The Dead Bedroom Fix*. Check it out.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

dadstartingover said:


> I address the dreaded "Talk" in my book, *The Dead Bedroom Fix*. Check it out.


I bought it today. My bedroom is nowhere near dead, but I'm going to be proactive and make sure it never gets that way.

I appreciate everyone's replies. A lot of good points were made. Just so you know, I got home from the gym yesterday and headed for the shower. Two minutes in, the shower door opened and my very naked, smiling wife came in. I was a happy guy!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I had similar situation I even posted here looking for an advice to move our rather frequent sex life beyond our routine. I quickly realized (I knew this but needed a confirmation) that my wife is simply not a person who can verbally express her desires or initiate anything. I respect her and I cannot change her, however she almost always positively responds to anything I try to do or suggest and not only in sex. So if I want to spice our sex life or break our routine it is my task to do this.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Have asked your wife _why_ she is not that interested in sex with you any more? You are only asking her why she doesn't like doing certain stuff, but I get the feeling that she's "over" sex, for whatever reason. Like, she is bored with it and it's definitely one of her top priority. You say you have grand kids, so you are not spring chickens either...

EDIT: the shower episode is encouraging... obviously your "talk" has worked, but it will be interesting to see if your sex life keeps improving from now on.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> I bought it today. My bedroom is nowhere near dead, but I'm going to be proactive and make sure it never gets that way.


being proactive IS the way.
you go from sex every day, to every other day, then its twice a week, then once a weekend, .... then you wake up one day and say "hey, we have not gotten laid in 3 months"...and by then it might be too late to recover.

keep working on it, finding new and exciting sex things to do to keep it vibrant and growing.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

From my experience, being led requires reception to leadership and requires validation/buy-in of the vision offered. 

For someone who likes sex but hates initiating, doesn’t want to be I charge yet another thing and tells you they get off on you being aggressive and leading… great. 

Someone for whom sex is a “they could take it or leave” thing or requires hurdle jumping and load shedding, expects you to mind reading this will not work.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Diceplayer said:


> My wife's sexual apatite has changed over the last several years to the point where it has become quite vanilla. ..........
> 
> ...... Then it dawned on me, she has no capability to understand what I've been telling her.
> 
> ...


First of all you are quite understanding and taking a good approach.

In my experience, it took my wife sessions for us both with a sex therapist to get things going again. But I let things slide for too long. Yes, be proactive, but realize that there may come a point where nothing you say or do will cause her to "not be too lazy." 

I hope you never reach that point. I did, but the Sex Therapist got us back together.

Good luck.


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