# Husband has female friends



## purplelighthouse (Feb 7, 2010)

I need to talk to someone and don't want to go to anyone I know. Background: Married 18 yrs, 3 kids. I have depression. Husband has porn addition. We don't sleep in the same bedroom (H is light sleeper). Zero sex life (from porn or depression, I'm not sure) I have a problem with my husband having female friends. They are coworkers really. He has a job that leaves time for chatting and he has talked to them about my depression. I feel betrayed by this. He says he just wants to help...get advice from others, but they don't have depression. They talk about other stuff too. I'm jealous of his friendships. We moved long distance about 4 years ago and I have yet to make a friend. I know my jealousy is driving me insane. I get upset when he says her name or mentions things they have talked about. I don't believe they are involved. I guess my biggest problem is that he has more of an emotional connection to others than to me. BTW she is 20 yrs younger and married. Also, the last female friendship he had that caused me pain, he basically ended. Only gets occasional emails. Am I causing my own problems with jealousy and depression?


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

If your H has previously ended friendships when you asked him to, I would take that as a positive sign that he cares for you and takes your feelings seriously. That's a good thing. 

I think your question at the end is a good one. Depression is a terrible burden to be sure, but I think to manage it successfully you must recognize that despite your disease, you are still the author of your own story. So that means you ultimately have the choice whether or not to be purely a victim of your depression or not. 

Obviously you need some help, and you should get that help in the form of a quality therapist or psychiatrist, in my opinion. I think he or she will help you strategize how to find and get involved with people to befriend, which is really important. Get interested in something - almost anything, really - and start doing that, and I think some of the gray skies will begin to lighten for you. 

It sounds to me like your husband also needs support and may have found it in coworkers who will listen to him. Maybe there's nothing more than that going on here.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

purplelighthouse said:


> Am I causing my own problems with jealousy and depression?


Probably yes.
But that's not to say H could be more sensitive. You should realize that because of the distance built over time, he is acting out both with the porn and the friends. 
Im a big fan of opposite sex friends, provided they are true friends. As a man I have appreciated immensely the input from my female frinds to slap into reality that I was being a caveman or at least not considering another side.

Having said all that, seems your marriage is in a "not so great state".
How are you working on the depression? How long? Changed counselor recently (could be a good thing to change).
Unless you work together, its not going to get any better. Set aside the friend thing for now and focus on you getting better and simultanteous improved communication with H.

If he's willing, over time as you both get better... the friendship need should subside and you won't be asa threatened by it either.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to a psychiatrist and get a prescription for anti-depressants.
Find a club to join and attend regularly, and seek out friends.
Take a good hard look at your marriage and determine what YOU should be doing differently. Your husband doesn't look forward to coming home to you; he gets more needs met by this woman at work than by you. This is up to YOU to fix.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Maybe he needs somebody to talk to, but he can't talk to you because he worries that would just make you feel worse. Few guys say "Hey, I need to unload about my marriage and my wife. I know, I'll dump it all on her!"


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Well you have depression issues to work on for sure. And nothing wrong with a spouse having friends but I have a very strong opinion that those friends should not be of the opposite sex. A lot of the time nothing may happen but having 'friends' of the opposite sex just leaves opens too many doors that don't need to be there if you're married. 

Unfortunately he is missing something from your relationship that he's getting from them. And his intentions may be 100% pure but that doesn't mean that an emotional connection can't one day become more. I don't think it's too far fetched at all to think that he's connecting with these women perhaps only emotionally but one thing can lead to another. 

If a guy is friends with guys (or girls with girls) and unloads his stuff with them, that's a great thing and there zero chance there's ever going to be anything questionable going on (of course assuming no gay or bi tendancies). But if a husband has female friends there is always a possibility, no matter how small, that an attraction may develop and something could happen. Like I said, it's just a door IMO that doesn't need to be there if you are in a committed marriage and you love your spouse.


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## slappy (Feb 10, 2010)

My husband has become friends with his secretary and our children have become friends as a result. My husband was depressed in the past and disconnected from me and our children. During this time, I became insanely jealous about his secretary. I think in my heart i trusted him completely but my insecurities got the best of me. Needless to say I accused him of cheating etc... and it only made matters worse. But it hurt to see him give her the attention I craved from him like when he bought her a plant when she was sick and off work for a week. I wonder if he would do the same for me? So I think it is okay for opposite sexes to have workplace friendships however I dont think it should ever spill out of the office. I also think that if one spouse has a problem with it then the other spouse needs to be extra reassuring that there is nothing there. I only got the of course nothing is going on ...speech but not the extra attention to back it up.


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## purplelighthouse (Feb 7, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice/comments. One more thing...He sends her emails with sexual jokes that he doesn't send to me. Sometimes only to her other times to other friends.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you invite her and her husband out to dinner? Put a face to the name, let HER see him with his wife, make her husband aware of their familiarity, maybe put your mind at ease if they seem completely platonic.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What is he doing about his porn addiction? Is he seeking any treatment?


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## purplelighthouse (Feb 7, 2010)

I can't go to dinner with them. I am uncomfortable in social situations and extremely insecure with myself and with these issues I would not do well. Remember she is 20 yrs younger. I would feel old and ugly in comparison. Also, he is not doing anything about his addiction. He doesn't think it's an issue. I'm not overly concerned about porn just other people.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you gone to your doctor to get antidepressants yet? Why not?


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## purplelighthouse (Feb 7, 2010)

Lost,
Thank you so much for your advice...As you know, it's not easy to see the bright side of things but I will try. I have started an exercise regiment 'cause I read that helps too. 

I have tried antidepressants...many antidepressants. They either don't help or have unbearable side effects.

Thanks to everyone...I really appreciate your input.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You worry about your husband with other women, but at the same time you describe yourself as mousy, quiet, unsure, unattractive...

These are ALL things that YOU have control over! Besides exercise, what are YOU doing to make yourself different? Clothes, makeup, hair, nails, classes so you are more knowledgeable and more sure of yourself, training in public speaking so you are more outspoken, etc....most ESPECIALLY you should be going to a psychologist to improve your self-worth.

There are a million things you could be doing for yourself. And doing that will make you less concerned about HIM.


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## Yoyo (Feb 21, 2010)

Hi purplelighthouse, I understand your feelings. My partner has a lot of female friends too. Some of his friends are prettier than me, some are younger than me, some are smarter than me. So what? Overall, I think I'm the best among all the female he knows. 

One thing we need to remember is "I'm the one he chose to be his lifelong partner." This means a lot! 

Whenever I go to have dinner or social activities with his female or male friends, I'm always confident about myself. My partner is so flattered and proud of me and told this to his male friends, because I'm not a jealous type. 

Honestly, I'm a woman, I could feel jealous too, but I know the foundation of any kinds of relationship is Respect and trust. So I respect his friendship with female, I believe his friends can give him happiness in different way than me. I trust him that he will never cross the red line, because partly I have faith in his personality and partly I'm confident about my own attractiveness. 

Hopefully my experiences help you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

purplelighthouse said:


> I have depression. Husband has porn addition. We don't sleep in the same bedroom (H is light sleeper). Zero sex life (from porn or depression, I'm not sure)


Not sleeping in the same bedroom is serious.

He probably doesn't have a porn addiction, just a sex drive.

He's not getting sex from you, so he will likely seek sex elsewhere.


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