# Is it human nature to want to know ALL the details??



## beachlover (May 8, 2009)

I posted a few weeks ago about my husband having a one night physical relationship and an emotional relationship (via phone calls) with the same woman that lasted for several months after the one time physical encounter. They worked for the same company but in different parts of the country and "got together" at a company regional meeting. She was also married. Even though this happened a long time ago, my husband has come clean swearing this was the one and only time to the point of crying (had never seen him cry before). I have questioned him about some of the details and he has been cooperative in answering my questions. I really want to know even more details (both sexual and non-sexual) just for my own satisfaction. Is this weird on my part? I guess I am just trying to make sense of it all and why this happened. I have actually composed a list of questions but am not sure how my husband will react to this curiousity on my part. I would have never known about this except he confided in a relative who has become very jealous and vindictive of our family and decided to tell me about this.


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## beachlover (May 8, 2009)

There's no way I know what this woman looks like even though I have googled her name A LOT! Like I said earlier, this took place years ago. I am just wanting more details from my husband but am a little hesitant to ask as he will view it as "ancient history", alhough this information is NEW to me. I have forgiven him and divorce is not an option after 32 years of marriage. I just am looking for some kind of closure instead of having all these images in my head. Maybe I just need to see a therapist to try to get over this. Ever since I found this out, I have been the most supporting, loving and sexual wife anyone could have. At first I was hurt to the core of my soul but I believe my husband that this was a one time thing. Maybe I am just being stupid and nieve. Who knows?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's a two-headed snake. You believe that having all of the information will impart something to you. It won't. You will be bitten a second time.

Perspective is everything.

If you continue to fixate on what you _don't_ know, it will consume you.
By no means am I absolving your husband, but have you ever considered that he knew he was wrong, was remorseful, and simply redoubled his commitment to you? He chose you. You don't stay in a marriage for another 25 years if you are looking for an out.

This isn't about letting him off the hook, but it is about finding a way to salvage your marriage, and your self-esteem for _your_ benefit. Don't sacrifice both for a sin that your husband has been trying to atone for ever since. I don't think you are being stupid or naive. I think you are hurt, and that is perfectly understandable.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Not human nature...but human curiousity. 

I know it's new to you. 

Get counseling and leave the dogs lie. 

He chose you.


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## thera-P (Jun 11, 2009)

Excellent question! It is commonly asked in therapy for infidelity. Since betrayal is at the heart of infidelity, it is only natural to want to know the depths of the betrayal. That way you know what you are in for with the betraying partner. Not only is it natural to want to know, it is a must to know.
I do not know of any reputable therapist (and I have devoted my life to studying them) that thinks the details of the betrayal should remain a secret. Further, it is so popular for therapists to allow full disclosure that there are studies done on the answers. Betrayed wives usually want to know if he still loves the lover (e.g. "Does he feel closer to her than to me?"). Betrayed husbands are most likely to want to know what kind of sex it was (e.g. "Did he bring her to orgasm since I have never been able to?") It shows where the sexes heads are at.
Congratualtions, you are normal! Seek a therapist that will allow you to explore the depths of the betrayal because you will only be able to heal to the extent that you know what actually went on.


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## TRACER (Jun 9, 2009)

I have also been thru this and I wanted all the details of my husbands affair. It is hard to hear and hard for them to tell. It's very painful but for me it kinda helped me with healing. Good Luck!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

My H's not physical, but everything else affair is over. But I feel he still 'owns' the situation since he has information I don't have. (What he said, etc.) Is it a control thing? I don't know. Just a few days ago it occurred to me that I want him to tell me - while looking me directly in the eyes - what the most out-of-the-marriage-contract thing he said was (probably a vocal reaction to a perverted picture he'd received or something). I really tried to figure out why I wanted to hear this. Then I realized that it wasn't just me needing to know. It was me wanting to put him through the very uncomfortable experience of telling me. That realization alone helped me decide to not ask...today. My suggestion would be to ask yourself why you really want to know. My H also cried and completely broke down. He has been working so hard to help me heel and has been a much nicer person to me than he has in years. Right now, I'm trying to only look forward. On the way home from the walk when I had this realization, I passed a friend on his bike who was heading to the hospital to visit his too-young brother who has a blot clot in his lungs. Perspective.


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## beachlover (May 8, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> My H's not physical, but everything else affair is over. But I feel he still 'owns' the situation since he has information I don't have. (What he said, etc.) Is it a control thing? I don't know. Just a few days ago it occurred to me that I want him to tell me - while looking me directly in the eyes - what the most out-of-the-marriage-contract thing he said was (probably a vocal reaction to a perverted picture he'd received or something). I really tried to figure out why I wanted to hear this. Then I realized that it wasn't just me needing to know. It was me wanting to put him through the very uncomfortable experience of telling me. That realization alone helped me decide to not ask...today. My suggestion would be to ask yourself why you really want to know. My H also cried and completely broke down. He has been working so hard to help me heel and has been a much nicer person to me than he has in years. Right now, I'm trying to only look forward. On the way home from the walk when I had this realization, I passed a friend on his bike who was heading to the hospital to visit his too-young brother who has a blot clot in his lungs. Perspective.


You're right. We have a lot of other issues to deal with right now NOT related to the one time indiscretion (I'm hoping). The crazy relative who spilled the beans is actually making life "hell" for my elderly mother and I really need to concentrate on getting her our of that abusive situation. My husband has been really a great guy, taking responsibility and treating me like a princess.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's normal to get the information you seek. You want to make sense of nonsense.

You want to know why.

Hang in there.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

Did you ask for the details? 

I am debating if I should go this route. I have a lot of questions that I think would help me put it behind. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling angry right now? I don't know if it would make it better or cause more pain for the both of us???


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## TeeTotal (Jul 29, 2009)

I think that it's a way of gaining back the trust you lost. If he is able to sit there, talk to you and give you details, anything you ask it's a sign of his commitment to getting through it. Therefore it makes you feel better. I know that it pops up from time to time, just randomly in my head. If I am able to ask it and get an open reaction, I know that I'm still that important to him. That he is willing to feel and share my pain. It does help.


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

Well unfortunately I asked for details, he gave some and more of what I wanted..it still haunts me to this day. I should not have asked...


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

The counselor we spoke too said that I had to know and he had to tell me - whatever I asked. If I didn't ask it would haunt me for the rest of my life. I am still on wall on this - now that I know I can't even go places I know they have been. Makes me sick. Sad - because we actually have a lot of events that take place there.


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## aely722 (Aug 9, 2009)

It is only human nature that you want to know. However take it from me the more you know the more it hurts. Don't let the Devil win. anytime you mess with a married man or woman you are just down right nasty and you should go somewhere and dig a whole for yourself


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

thera-P said:


> Congratualtions, you are normal!


Indeed. 

Its what you do with and about that info that counts.


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