# Is this Love or Security



## 🤷🏾♀️ (11 mo ago)

I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and we have 4 children, we’ve gone through rough times since the beginning, recently we were having a conversation and he mentioned someone was helping him get a job in another state. He says he thought we were getting divorced so he planned on moving, I was upset that he never mentioned moving out of the state to me and asked him if I were to pack the kids up and leave without saying anything wouldn’t he get upset? He responded “NO, why should I give a ****what you do if you leaving me and I don’t have a car or place to lay my head” should I feel unloved and offended because I do??


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that the question here should instead be: why am I in this relationship at all?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Sounds like there's a lot more to this story.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So what's the real story here? Why does he think you guys are divorcing?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Reverse gaslighting? Is that a thing?
”we decided already to divorce, don’t you remember?”


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’ll never understand that thing when people say “It’s been rough since the beginning” and then go on to mention they have a boat load of children together.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> Sounds like there's a lot more to this story.


BINGO.

Sounds like Lover Boy is getting ready to fly the coop.

As a rule, men just don't go off on their own. Most of them need someone to take care of them like a mommy - I said MOST so get off my back, guys. I've seen men stay in what they claim are horrific marriages for YEARS because they lack the stones to man the hell up and move out and live on their own. Instead, they whine and moan about how unhappy they are while staying RIGHT where they are - year after year, in their supposed 'misery.'

So if he's getting ready to run off, I'll bet my house he's not doing it alone.


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## 🤷🏾♀️ (11 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> So what's the real story here? Why does he think you guys are divorcing?


When ever I express something I’m unhappy about he jumps to divorce. He’s doesn’t think of how we can fix the issue. Over the past few years I don’t express my feelings because I don’t want to deal with the outcome, lately I’ve been more expressive because I’m getting worn out with all the responsibilities.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

🤷🏾‍♀️ said:


> When ever I express something I’m unhappy about he jumps to divorce. He’s doesn’t think of how we can fix the issue. Over the past few years I don’t express my feelings because I don’t want to deal with the outcome, lately I’ve been more expressive because I’m getting worn out with all the responsibilities.


Again, why are you still in a relationship where you are being overburdened with responsibilities, cowered into submission with bullying threats of divorce? are you economically completely dependent on him to be force to put up with it? or is it that you're so passive and submissive that you just take it? what is it?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

What stands out to me is it doesn't seem like he's at all upset you'd take his children away. That's a huge red flag to me, that the kids are an afterthought.


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## 🤷🏾♀️ (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Again, why are you still in a relationship where you are being overburdened with responsibilities, cowered into submission with bullying threats of divorce? are you economically completely dependent on him to be force to put up with it? or is it that you're so passive and submissive that you just take it? what is it?
> 
> 
> Mr.Married said:
> ...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

All children need their parents. Having said that, just like countless of people do when the relationship runs its course, they divorce and co- parent to the best benefit of the children.

So your argument about your children needing their father, has no logical standing. It's a cop-out to cowardly do nothing. Unless you have valid economic reasons as to why you can't leave, then it sounds to me as you making excuses, just like so many abused and battered women that won't leave their husband, until they are taken out in a body bag.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

🤷🏾‍♀️ said:


> When ever I express something I’m unhappy about he jumps to divorce. He’s doesn’t think of how we can fix the issue. Over the past few years I don’t express my feelings because I don’t want to deal with the outcome, lately I’ve been more expressive because I’m getting worn out with all the responsibilities.


Not expressing feelings can be a way of exerting control. It’s your way or no way. Anytime you deliberately shut down discussion, red flags fly.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> BINGO.
> 
> Sounds like Lover Boy is getting ready to fly the coop.
> 
> ...


I will say that it is true that some people of both sexes need someone around to take care of them. But most men and most women do not need someone to take care of them 

I will agree that far far too many men stay in some marriages they should be running from. I have a friend who is in a marriage with a biotch of a wife. She is demanding and controlling. Dude can't drop a log in the bathroom in peace. Just last year we took my boat out and launched at 6:30 in the morning. By 11am he had 3 texts wanting to know when he will be back. By 12, she is on the phone with him saying he needs to come home. He gets off the phone and says dont you hate it when your wife does stuff like this?? I said my wife doesn't do that to me and I don't do that to her..... So you are telling me that you could get home when its dark today and she wont be mad?? I said nope, she will probably text or call to make sure I am ok as I never get home from fishing at dark...... Man, where do I find a wife like yours? 🤣🤣🤣


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## 🤷🏾♀️ (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I will say that it is true that some people of both sexes need someone around to take care of them. But most men and most women do not need someone to take care of them
> 
> I will agree that far far too many men stay in some marriages they should be running from. I have a friend who is in a marriage with a biotch of a wife. She is demanding and controlling. Dude can't drop a log in the bathroom in peace. Just last year we took my boat out and launched at 6:30 in the morning. By 11am he had 3 texts wanting to know when he will be back. By 12, she is on the phone with him saying he needs to come home. He gets off the phone and says dont you hate it when your wife does stuff like this?? I said my wife doesn't do that to me and I don't do that to her..... So you are telling me that you could get home when its dark today and she wont be mad?? I said nope, she will probably text or call to make sure I am ok as I never get home from fishing at dark...... Man, where do I find a wife like yours? 🤣🤣🤣


I’m in the same situation. I get over 40 calls a day sometimes. I feel your friends pain it’s extremely frustrating and I wonder is it that he loves me a LOT or is it a form of control?? I chose to not have friends because of this.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

🤷🏾‍♀️ said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and we have 4 children, we’ve gone through rough times since the beginning, recently we were having a conversation and he mentioned someone was helping him get a job in another state. He says he thought we were getting divorced so he planned on moving, I was upset that he never mentioned moving out of the state to me and asked him if I were to pack the kids up and leave without saying anything wouldn’t he get upset? He responded “NO, why should I give a ****what you do if you leaving me and I don’t have a car or place to lay my head” should I feel unloved and offended because I do??


You should feel what you feel but don't forget what you feel for him first. Sounds like communication might not be your top achievement?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

🤷🏾‍♀️ said:


> I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and we have 4 children, we’ve gone through rough times since the beginning, recently we were having a conversation and he mentioned someone was helping him get a job in another state. He says he thought we were getting divorced so he planned on moving, I was upset that he never mentioned moving out of the state to me and asked him if I were to pack the kids up and leave without saying anything wouldn’t he get upset? He responded “NO, why should I give a ****what you do if you leaving me and I don’t have a car or place to lay my head” should I feel unloved and offended because I do??


Actual concrete plans to move, or is this another threat?

So he’s packed, found a place, organised things? Told the kids, seen a lawyer, given you all paperwork for the place you’ve got together? 

I don’t have a lot of background, but it sounds like he threatens divorce when you try to raise issues? What are the issues you have? I see you’ve shut down because his go-to response is divorce. My friend threatens divorce to her husband every time he asks her to contribute more around the house 🤷🏻‍♀️ But another friend threatens divorce every time her husband goes on a drug bender 🤷🏻‍♀️ So there are two different types of ‘threaten to divorce.’ Which is yours, what are you no longer able to ask him anymore?


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