# To Separate or not to seperate...that is the question?



## LonelyDragon (Aug 10, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 13. We have 4 children together. The last 3 years have been pretty difficult for us. In 2014 he was in school and it felt like he was pulling away and being distant from me... studying all the time away from home while I worked full time and did most of the stuff for the kids. I ended up having a brief affair with a guy from work and my husband found out about it. The affair ended but my anger towards my husband didn't and I became very distant with him. There were times over the last 3 years that he would try and I would shut him down and then I would try and he would shut me down. We just weren't in a great place but I felt like we still loved each other, we just needed time to find each other again. Fast forward to March of this year when I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a woman he works with and it had been going on for 3 months. When I found out about it my first reaction was anger but then I had an epiphany and decided I really do love my husband and don't want to lose him. He told me he would stop seeing her and work on our marriage... it on my took a couple of weeks for him to start talking to her again... this has happened 3 times where he says we will work on us and then goes back to talking to her. 2 weeks ago he told me that he can't commit to making our marriage work because he still has feelings for this woman that aren't going away. He says he wants to make us work, but he just isn't ready. The woman is also married and says she doesn't want to leave her husband or be in a relationship with my husband. I don't understand what the obsession is with this woman. I am so torn on what to do. My emotions are all over the place. I know that they see each other at work quite frequently and they talk there. He hasn't contacted her on the phone or text in 2 weeks but has sent her a couple of inappropriate emails that she didn't respond to. I love my husband and I want to be patient with him while he works through whatever it is that has a hold on him but it is really putting me in a not so good place emotionally. I know that I put him through a lot during the last 3 years and he stuck it out and didn't leave me. I just don't know how much time I can give him before the pain is too much and I just give up. It has been 5 months since I discovered the affair and 8 months since the affair started. I just don't know if I should try and stick it out or end it and move on. I really truly want to save my marriage, but I don't have any clue when he will be ready to completely walk away from her and work on us. We are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. There is some affection but not much. He isn't mean to me and seems to be mostly understanding of my feelings, I am trying to be patient and understanding of his. I just don't know what I should do, I want to keep my marriage together but I don't want to sacrifice myself. How long should I give him to make a decision? Should we try a physical separation and sleep in separate beds? Should we locationally separate and one of us stay somewhere else? I just don't know what it is going to take for him to get over his feelings for her and realize he has a wonderful family right in front of him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So your post reads to me like when you guys were dealing with your affair, that you had ended things with the other man, is that correct? You are having issues because your husband is NOT ending things with this woman. Yes, in my opinion you do kind of owe him some consideration in return for him doing so for you back when, but from the sound of it, I would say his time is pretty much UP. He is being very disrespectful to you by clinging to his EA. Are you 100% CERTAIN that they have not been physical?? Since they work together, there isnt much chance that they haven't been. 

Your husband needs to go completely no contact with this woman, and needs to find other employment to get away from her. He also needs to be 100% transparent with you with his phone, emails, social media, etc. If he isnt willing to do these things, I'm afraid you are going to have to end things. I'm sure he will throw your affair back in your face, but your affair doesnt give him permission for an affair. (no, I am not excusing what you did in the past...) Dont leave the decision as to whether to divorce up to him, just state your boundary and stick to it. Let him know the affair ends, or the marriage does, then follow through. If he wants to pine away for a married woman who doesnt want him, then he gets to do so as a single man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Set timeframe, tell him in x months if you havent quit then our marriage is over.

Contact OW's Husband and tell him what is happening, that will soon put an end to the A.
Then go see IC for yourself and a lawyer, your H is now milking it for all its worth. Give him what he wants and see what happens, he may not be so keen when the OW's H finds out and he finds out you have been to see a lawyer.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

No time frame. Go to OW man and expose. Being patient is the same as being played


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Tell the husband, he deserves to know. That will be one of the quickest ways to end it.

Your husband HAS to find other employment. As long as they work together they will communicate.
Just like an alcoholic shouldn't be a bartender.

Sorry you are here...we want to help.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Your husband is not going to quit the other woman (even though it appears she wants to quit him) because he is looking for something outside the marriage. He thought he had it, and does not want to give it up.

In my opinion, you need to leave. You have offered to have him quit, but you are still there and he thinks he can still get away with it. If this woman crooked her finger, he would be gone or having an affair. I think you know it.

You are not his clean up man. You are not second best. You are his wife. He should treat you like it. He is not. Walk away. If you don't, you will never be sure.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Greetings, OP. 

Sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Welcome to TAM. 

Regarding your husband, it's difficult for him to give up communication with her because the communication is positive. In all likelihood, there is no nagging, complaining (about him), man bashing, child-related tasks, or chores in those conversations. Basically she's a buddy, but with boobs and a vagina, so that makes it way better (for him). This is what you are competing against right now. I'm not explaining this because I'm advocating you becoming a doormat. But he does not associate negative feelings towards her, where he has a history of negative feelings towards you. She listens to him, and that's a big hurdle to overcome. And it brings me to my other point...

There was a part in your story that seemed glossed over a bit. You mentioned that you had an affair with another guy, your husband found out, and you were still angry with him. Forgive me, but I feel there are parts of this story left out and need elaboration. How long was it between you having a physical affair (which to many men is WAY worse than an emotional affair) and your husband having an emotional affair? 2 years or so? In all that time, did your anger towards him subside enough that he felt he could let his guard down to the point that he could talk with you about your affair? If the answer is "no", not only has his hurt feelings been festering (and getting worse) all that time, but it seems pretty clear to me that this woman has become his sounding board. Again, forgive me, but from the manner in which you mentioned your affair, it almost seems like you feel that you were justified in looking for comfort outside of your marriage (husband being distant due to his education). This has to be addressed and dealt with first before your husband's emotional infidelity is addressed because in all likelihood, seeds for your husband's emotional affair began with your physical one.

To me, if you really want to save your marriage, I feel that you need to let your own guard down and make an honest attempt to listen to your husbands feelings regarding your marriage, and the infidelity of both of you. Really listen and make every attempt to understand his point of view. And he should pick up on this and do the same with you. Only after that, should the expectation be set that all contact with the other woman be cut off. This will allow him the chance to make you his sounding board (as it should be) without judgment. It seems like a good first step to reestablishing trust between you. Otherwise, I think it'll just be a set up for failure... 


Good luck to you...


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