# Question time!



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Alrighty ladies, question time.

1) If you have a certain standard or level of behaviour that you expect from your spouse, that has been clearly identified and communicated, and he is constantly unwilling to meet that standard or behaviour, would you consider yourself abusive of your partner by reminding him and letting him know HOW he can achieve it? 

2) If your partner made excuses for not meeting that, including referencing your own shortcomings in meeting his expectations, how would you respond? 

3) Is it possible to influence that behaviour without actually arguing or fighting about it?

4) Is it manipulative to work to get the outcome you want by attacking it from multiple angles when resistance is met?

5) What do you find works as the greatest motivator for change in your man?

I look forward to your replies ladies, I am sure there will be some pearls of wisdom to come.

Thanks.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It's about stopping all the back and forth bull***t. 

Listen, really listen especially when it severely bruises your ego to hear - what your expectations are of each other, what is missing, what can be changed, what is unrealistic and what needs acceptance.

Think what you can do to make things better. Lead by example. Don't start out with an expectation of change from them. This is not to be confused with being walked over or treated badly or hanging onto a one-sided relationship, but rather don't change your behavior with an expectation of the other person - the intention is for you to create a more positive mind-state. Act with compassion and love. Think about your SO while also remaining true to yourself. This is where I'd start.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I guess it depends on what "change" we're talking about. Overall I'm not a big fan of trying to get a man to change. Either he wants to or he doesn't. Then I get to choose whether it's a dealbreaker or not. 

If it's something minor I might be able to "inspire" him to change but I'm certainly not going to keep reminding him of it. That's a sure way of assuring that he stays just the way he is. lol


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Depends 

Would the requested change be judged a reasonable one by a panel of sane and mature adults? 
Was the request made in a respectful manner without belittling, demanding, violence against persons or things?
The person making the request is him or herself generally functional and a competent adult?
Finally, is the requestee physically, spiritually and mentally able to carry out the request?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I am doing my best to be a good wife, I do my best to meet his needs and make him happy!

So it's in his best interest to make me happy! 

If I make a request, if I tell him what his doing is bothering me, I usually get the positive answer right away!


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Constantly unwilling.
If someone doesn't want to change they won't. Telling him over and over again will only make him defensive

If we could all change the person we were with to fit us, then we wouldn't be here. We would all be oh so happy.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Alrighty ladies, question time.
> 
> 1) If you have a certain standard or level of behaviour that you expect from your spouse, that has been clearly identified and communicated, and he is constantly unwilling to meet that standard or behaviour, would you consider yourself abusive of your partner by reminding him and letting him know HOW he can achieve it?


It would depend on what it was. If it was reasonable and something he could easily do then no. But I honestly hate to have to bring things up over and over, I feel disrespected if on their own they do not want to do said thing, especially if it is important. But again it has to be reasonable.

It could be abusive. Say my partner had a habit I didn't like, and I asked him to stop. I should try and be positive about any changes he makes, rather then saying awful things to him, as that could turn very abusive.




> 2) If your partner made excuses for not meeting that, including referencing your own shortcomings in meeting his expectations, how would you respond?


Again it would depend on what it was. If my requests were unreasonable, and my requests tied in with my being an unreasonable demanding person, that would be a shortcoming and they would have every right to do that. Particularly if I was using it as a justification to withhold affection or using it as a way to behave badly myself.



> 3) Is it possible to influence that behaviour without actually arguing or fighting about it?


Of course it is. You can be loving and supportive and use positive reinforcement.

Like "I love it when you do x, it makes me feel so good." Demonstrating when your needs are being met, and encouraging behaviour that is positive rather then negative.



> 4) Is it manipulative to work to get the outcome you want by attacking it from multiple angles when resistance is met?


Again that depends.



> 5) What do you find works as the greatest motivator for change in your man?


Firstly looking at if what I'm asking is reasonable of him at those time, and what the circumstances are.
Then telling him what I need from him, without attacking him and making him feel bad.
Letting him know I still love him and want him despite the issue at hand and that I will do my part to help us both be happy.




> I look forward to your replies ladies, I am sure there will be some pearls of wisdom to come.
> 
> Thanks.


No worries.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mephisto said:


> 1) If you have a certain standard or level of behaviour that you expect from your spouse, that has been clearly identified and communicated, and he is constantly unwilling to meet that standard or behaviour, would you consider yourself abusive of your partner by reminding him and letting him know HOW he can achieve it?


Not abusive but you wouldn't be respecting his boundaries. 



Mephisto said:


> 2) If your partner made excuses for not meeting that, including referencing your own shortcomings in meeting his expectations, how would you respond?


There was a time I would argue with my H when he said stuff like this. Then i tried a new approach by saying, "I know you have concerns too, and if you'd like to talk about them later i would be happy to. But I'd like you to answer my question now." that worked a little but i still ended up arguing and going in circles. 

And now, I guess i don't need an explanation about why he's not doing whatever he said he would. I simply assume if he's not doing it he didn't want to do it. My H repeatedly does not do what he says he will do. For example he said he would not be on Facebook all evening but does so anyway. When I see him on there i simply say, "I thought you weren't going to do that." And that's it. Or he said he would wear a device that keeps him from snoring at night but of course he doesn't. So I go sleep in the other room. That's it. No talking or discussing. Keeps it simple. 



Mephisto said:


> 3) Is it possible to influence that behaviour without actually arguing or fighting about it?


Definitely but probably not in the way you are thinking. If you do anything with the motivation to try and get your H to change, especially if he does not want to, then you are a manipulator and simply part of the contentious dysfunction. 

But if you are trying to become emotionally healthy yourself by respecting your boundaries, as well as his, then that usually influences the other person positively. 



Mephisto said:


> 4) Is it manipulative to work to get the outcome you want by attacking it from multiple angles when resistance is met?


Yes if your approach is based solely on changing him. You would be treating him as an object of your happiness instead of respecting him as independent. It will make you miserable.



Mephisto said:


> 5) What do you find works as the greatest motivator for change in your man?


Boundaries, which largely incorporates respect, and also forgiveness.


----------

