# All Out of Options - Help Please!



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

HELP!!!

I am new here and my marriage is over...I have now where to go for people to understand the depth of the pain I am experiencing.
My Husband asked me for a separation and divorce this morning. This not the first time. This is the 3rd. We have been married for 9 years and together for 14 years. He is 51 and I am 44.

Sometime in early 2009, my husband began a PA/EA with someone at work. This was not apparent to me until the summer of that year after I returned home from a business trip early because I had a feeling that "something" was not right. Well, I was right, and caught him with her in our driveway. Of course I was upset. I had a lot of other things going on with me, the loss of my baby sister and pressure at work. I was angry about everything and it showed. 

That was not an excuse for him to step out on the marriage. He had to admit the affair because he was caught. I threw things at him and the day ended with him (now I realize) manipulating me saying he would never do that again and that he loved me and wanted it to work out. We began to see the worst MC I think we could find. However, we stopped seeing her as I soon began to realize that she was supporting his justification for stepping out. 

Months role by and we are tiptoeing around everything and then on New Year's Day he packs his stuff and walks out saying he needed to find his own happiness. I was a mess. I cried, I pleaded, I begged. Then I stopped. While I did drop about 22 pounds in about a month and a half, I started running and working out again in the spring. He then called to say he was being deployed to Afghanistan and that he needed me to complete paperwork. Then a month before he was to deploy, I was served with official separation papers, but because he was being deployed, I would not be able to serve him with anything until he returned to US soil. I didn't speak to him again until August 2010 (this is after I detached for months) and I decided to answer a Skype call from him. We talk and he said he wanted to try our marriage again. I told him that I was not sure and we just talked of and on until he asked me to travel overseas to visit him while he took a 2 week leave. I travelled to Germany in November 2010. He returned home (to US) in April 2011 and he moved back into our home in June 2011.

Everything seemed great. We were spending quality time together, we were hanging out with friends and family and travelling. Then in February 2012, he said that he was unhappy and could not tell me why. We found a great MC neutral to our individual needs but very dedicated to us as a couple. This is where I found out about a lot of his pet peeves about me. I stacked things, I didn't want to try new things, and he thought I felt awkward in social settings. He said he was looking for a "perfect" mate. Well the counselor quickly told him that no one or no couple if perfect. We all have flaws, and it's how you deal with them and learn to accept them.

We continued to see her even after he moved out again in April 2012. He got an apartment, and said he wanted to try a separation to that he knew what it was like to live without me and depend on me. We were speaking every day and we even attended a friend’s BBQ on Memorial Day that year together. We continued to see our MC and he was making somewhat of a break through. He moved back in in August 2012, but that same month, I found an email he sent to another woman telling her that she loved her!!! I was irate! I called him (he was doing his 2 weeks of active duty in Norfolk). He was panic, or so it seems now. He asked for my forgiveness. I told him that I could not do that. He kept asking until I gave in only after requiring that he immediately stopped seeing her and breakoff whatever it was he had with her. She was married as well!!!! We had a cooling off and he stayed with a friend for a while and then he called to tell me that he could not leave without me. 

We had what I thought was the best year yet. I needed prodded him for any information. We would be cooking and would just say, “Honey, this is beat I have felt about us in a long time”, “Honey, I am so very happy”. 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago: (August 10th)
HIM: Honey have you been cheating on me?
ME: No, why would ask that question.
HIM: I found condoms in the bottom of a pharmacy bag when I was cleaning?
ME: Yes, I bought them when you left me the first time, but I never used them. I could never use them because I have always been faithful to you. It was a mistake. Do you believe me?
HIM: Yes, I know you would never do that to me.

Forward to 2 weeks ago: (August 17th)
He wants to talk about our relationship because now he wonders if his happiness that past year was real. We talk, and he seems to be listening, but I think he is looking for a way out.

Forward to 1 week ago: (August 23rd)
I go on another business trip and return on August 23rd. Husband departs for NYC with his best friend and his sons for guys get away. He barely answers his phone and when he does, he tries to hang up quickly.

I cry because I know what is coming and he tells me that that is not the case. He wants to talk. I finally call a friend , but I am embarrassed and ashamed. I try to speak to him last night and he hurts my feelings.. he calls me an idiot, a moron, and stupid. I cry. I sob.. He tells me to leave him alone and he sleeps in another bedroom. This morning he says he wants to move forward with a divorce. 

I am so very devastated because everything seemed to be okay up until 3 weeks ago. Why is this happening. I can’t eat, sleep. I am drinking and in a state of shock. He won't answer my calls or respond to text. I don’t know what to do…

I am so lost and in tremendous pain.. He wants me to agree to the separation terms and is asking me about how we should sell the house..I am not ready for this…

Help!!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Anything this sudden will hit your like a ton of bricks. Lean on friends and family, cry as needed, share here, and try your best to stay strong.

You won't get him back by calling, texting, etc. You need to stop wanting and needing him and focus on you. I know that is hard, but do just one small thing and then another and then another. Keep moving!


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I feel your pain too. You are not alone. My H left last year, July 27 and he came home June this year and he told me a few days ago on Tuesday that he wanted a divorce and wasn't in love with me.

I am hanging on by a thread as I'm sure you are. I wish I could offer you some comforting advice but maybe coming here and talking about things will help us.

Please take care of yourself.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you for the advice. It's hard to even get out of bed in the morning or off the couch. I called in today because I knew I would not be able to handle the pressure as the talk at work is always about someone getting married. I know....very very envious. And I am sorry I feel that way.

I did contact a lawyer on yesterday and have an apt this coming Tuesday. Husband wants in in house separation. We have not children and with our other finances, neither of us can afford to move out on our own. This makes it worse!! I have to still see him everyday knowing he is moving forward with a D!!

My IC just called and I am so distraught that I pull myself away from everything and every one because I choose not to be a burden. Thank God I have the forums to turn to. I do not want this divorce, but he is saying that he has to be selfish for his sake. How narcissistic is that??

The first time he cheated, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach. While I am not sure if he isn't know, I am not getting that sinking feeling. Is this normal? This man who says he is unhappy is not the man I married. He use to be active, running and working out. He did yard work, spent time traveling. He has not done any of that since last year!. I am a runner and I kept up my routines even when he was not interested. He is often on the couch watching TV. I think he is depressed, but dear I say that because he is a little self-absorbed to have that kind of insight.

What to do!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So sorry to hear you're going through this. *hugs*

From what I can tell from reading your post, this guy sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive, and no one deserves that type of treatment. You need to go dark on this man (no contact!) and take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating enough (and healthy food), stop drinking so much (at least alternate with water), and get some exercise. Go out with friends and have some fun! And if you need to talk it out and cry, your friends will be there for you, too.

I know it's tough, but you're going to have to work through this. And no contact and taking care of yourself will really help in this respect. The more continued interaction you have with this man, the MORE IT WILL HURT YOU. And right now, YOU need to be your #1 focus. Not him, not your relationship, YOU.

He won't answer your calls or texts? So what - he's a jerk. Stop calling/texting, because it's a waste of your time and just makes you feel bad. Don't do things that make you feel bad. And if he calls or texts you, don't respond. Whatever HE wants can wait until you're feeling ready to deal with it.

Take some time to lick your wounds and work on healing. Eventually the shock will wear off, and there's going to be a lot more emotional shiz to deal with, and you need to be as strong and focused as you possibly can to deal with it.

There are lots of good resources and links posted throughout the site, so if you read through other threads here, you'll read a number of stories that are similar to yours, with lots of good advice from other TAM members.

If you haven't already, make sure there's $$$ in an account in your name (make sure you take [at least] half from the joint accounts before he cleans them out entirely), and *lawyer up good*. Be quiet about it so he doesn't beat you to the punch. Because I think... he's not going to be nice about this. I think, with him, this could all get very ugly, and you're going to have to be very careful.


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I can relate to not being able to get out of bed. We have a (soon to be) 7 year old so I have to force myself. Our son is the constant thing in my life that keeps me going even though that pit is in my stomach and I feel like I am dying. I know, how pathetic...

We didn't choose this path but this is what we are dealt with. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get easier but I do not believe that. It feels like it gets worse everyday. Espcecially because my H is such a great dad and will be as much of a presence in our son's life as I will be. I am thankful our son will not have a deadbeat dad. But I am going to have to see him all of the time. How am I ever going to get through this??????


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

He is now on his way home and says he does not have plans this weekend. I am sure what that means. He wants us to list the contents of our home and separate. I am really not up for this discussion this weekend. We just returned last month from an anniversary trip to Aruba and it included his family! I am so astonished at where I find myself today.

How do I face him this evening? Al my friends have plans for the holiday weekend. Should I stay in the basement and avoid him?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> He is now on his way home and says he does not have plans this weekend. I am sure what that means. He wants us to list the contents of our home and separate. I am really not up for this discussion this weekend. We just returned last month from an anniversary trip to Aruba and it included his family! I am so astonished at where I find myself today.
> 
> How do I face him this evening? Al my friends have plans for the holiday weekend. Should I stay in the basement and avoid him?


Get out of town. Go see family or friends who don't live close by. If your friends/family already have plans of their own, ask if you can join them, or make your own plans. Just make yourself as scarce as possible. And when he says, well, I thought we could... You say, sorry, I have plans already, and you walk out the door. Tonight? Get out of the house before he comes home. Take yourself for a nice dinner and a movie, or something else that you like to do. What are some things in your area that you've always wanted to see/do, but have never taken the opportunity? I think this weekend is an EXCELLENT opportunity.

If it was me, I would go on Hotwire.com and book a hotel in the closest metro area or touristy place (nice hotels, and cheap), making sure they had a pool, pack a quick bag with the essentials and a book or two, high-tail it out of the house, and spend the weekend sight-seeing.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And no, you shouldn't banish yourself to the basement. That's depressing, and you shouldn't be forced to be a basement-dweller for the duration of the holiday weekend. You're not a prisoner in your own home. You're free to do whatever you want.

EDIT: Seriously. You're not a troll or a dwarf. You deserve sunshine and beauty. Go find some


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you FIP. Your words are so encouraging. I just don't want to spend the money on traveling somewhere since now I have to prepare myself for lawyer fees and possibly court fees. In addition, or finances will need to be discussed and so I realize that I have to avoid any unnecessary spending.

I could retreat to our bedroom. He is sleeping in another room. I will most likely go to the gym or for a run. I will try to keep myself busy, but it is hard.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> Thank you FIP. Your words are so encouraging. I just don't want to spend the money on traveling somewhere since now I have to prepare myself for lawyer fees and possibly court fees. *In addition, or finances will need to be discussed and so I realize that I have to avoid any unnecessary spending.*
> 
> I could retreat to our bedroom. He is sleeping in another room. I will most likely go to the gym or for a run. I will try to keep myself busy, but it is hard.


Is your husband avoiding any unnecessary spending? Just curious... you might want to go check those account balances.

If money is an issue, just GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. If he knows you're there and avoiding him, he might pester you to talk about the stuff. Go to the library, or the mall, or a park. There are lots of free things to do if you have just a little mobility (aka: car to drive you away from the house).


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Just know that we are all going through similar things. It's not easy- I'm having a very difficult time also, but find some comfort here.

I wish you only the best and hope someday we can all share success stories!


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank your all of the advice. I am literally devastated right now because my H left the house to supposedly go to his our best friends house and he packed a change of clothes. So maybe our best friends are covering up? I find that hard to believe.

I feel like am LOSING MY MIND!!!! This is too darn difficult!

He says that he wants out and tells me that this a decision he made for himself. He says there is longer an us. He says he needs to be selfish to obtain happiness. He completely and utterly destroyed me mentally and emotionally. This morning, something deep tells me not to fight for. He wants to proceed with it, so I have no hope. 

I have been hard crying all morning to the point I was vomiting. I don't have desire to do anything. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?????


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Honey, he's going to do what he's going to do, and there's nothing you can do about that. It sounds like he's avoiding you, which you were also looking to avoid him this weekend, yes?

Some crying is OK. It helps us work through the emotions. But someone - and I wish I could remember who to give proper credit - that feelings aren't entirely real. They ebb and flow, and what seems devastating now will lessen with time. I know this to be true. I was devastated when my STBXH announced that he didn't want to pursue a reconciliation, that he instead wanted to pursue his relationship with his affair partner. But over time, that pain has faded. It still hurts, but I know it's not about me. It's about HIM and HIS failings, not mine.

Getting angry at him helped me. We're constantly being told that anger is a bad emotion, that we shouldn't get angry, but I think that's a load of BS. My anger helped me get over a lot of my emotional sadness; it helped me to see how messed up my STBXH is, and how I deserved better than what he was willing to give me.

I don't know if you're ready for the anger part yet, though. For now, let yourself cry. It's OK to cry - you probably have a lot of bottled up pain and frustration to let out - just try to keep that vomiting to a minimum, and hydrate. (I swear, there should be some home version of those IV saline bags they give at the ER.) Once you've cried yourself out (you will stop, eventually), take yourself out for a walk or a run, to take in some fresh air and clear your head. And do something nice for yourself today. Get some fresh flowers for the house, put on some soothing music and have a bubble bath, or go out for the evening and do something you really enjoy - preferably something that your husband wouldn't do with you, or something that you stopped doing because your husband didn't like it. You say your husband is being selfish? You deserve to be a little selfish, too.

*hugs*


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Please do something to distract you or at the very least help cope. Out of desperation I read Michele Weiner Davis' Divorce Remedy. This helped me. You can google her and watch some videos. By detaching you get to focus and fix yourself. You become more desirable as a person. Some of the practices she mentions not only help repair a broken marriage but also repair you.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you so much. 

FP, yes, I have lot of things on the inside. 

I cannot believe the level of distain towards me. I am not the enemy. Now, I am know wondering if I married the wrong person. Because he is not the Husband I know especially this last year. However, how can treat with kindness, respect, and provide comfort one minute and then flip out on you. 

It hurts to think that he would violate our marriage vows for another woman. I keep looking at the phone to call, but I don't (he probably would not have answered). But my brain is racing with the worst things because of childhood abuse (This is where I my IC says I am pre-conditioned to expect the worse, to think negatively.) Well I have been working on that for about a year and I am a work of progress. 

As for today, I am not ready to face anyone. Maybe tomorrow. It is hard for me to be selfish. I don't believe that is characteristic trait. 

Darn, my mind just raced again. I am thinking about he is doing with the OW (if any) or what he doing at a his friend's house. This rejection makes me feel pitiful because I did beg, pleaded, and talk. I don't want a divorce and he says no matter what I say, he is still going to proceed. In Virginia, it requires a 6 month separation before divorce is granted. It is 12 month if you have children. 

How do I expose the other woman (if any)?
How do I research when I don't know her name?
How will H react to the exposure? He may sue me!!


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I am thinking about going dark on him because right now I am so sad that it hurts. Maybe I should terminate contact with him to give each of room. He is at his best friend's house and is expected to return to our home tomorrow. But I am thinking about packing up his stuff (clothes, TV) and putting them in the garage. I am also thinking about changing the locks before he returns tomorrow, but I am scared that he will see this as act of aggression and he WILL NOT like it.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Sunday morning and my H calls to tell me he should be home by noon today. The last time he was here, we had a brief argument. I do not want that to happen again, so I need help if we get into a discussion on our marriage.

However, I believe his depression is the cause for him wanting a divorce. Before you say it, I am not making excuses. When we first met up until our marriage had problems 5 years ago, my Husband was happy, we spent time with each other's family and friends, we traveled extensively, we were avid runners and we both enjoyed spending time together cooking. All of this has stopped (except for a brief family trip we just took in July). He is home all of the TIME, she sits on the couch and watches TV or playing video games!! He is 51 years old!! He had the hair on his chest removed 3 years ago. He has gained weight (25 lbs) because he is just a couch potato. I not saying this to be mean, but he is depressed. And I want to help him. When he tells me about what is going on with his job, he seems that he is covering up what is going on there. 2 year ago as a part of his performance review, he was told he was "at the bottom of the barrel" of all the managers. 

He was very hurt by this. But he is also prideful, so I know there will never be a way (or at least I think) for him to possibly see that he truly is depressed.

Our MC from last year was really about to make a breakthrough with my H on this, but he kept pushing back. I knew we shouldn't have stopped seeing her. What to do?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I AM HAVING A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW. JUST SPOKE TO HIM. He says he has made up his mind. he wants a divorce. I am screaming as I am typing. Oh God....Oh my God......


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

One of the great things about this forum is that many of us, regardless of gender, are going through the same stuff. 

My wife of 14 years left 6 weeks ago with no warning shot, no ultimatum, nothing. I did what everyone does for the first few weeks, but I quickly found this forum and have tried to implement 180 and work on me.

She's still hogwild for the divorce, which I am not objecting to, in fact, I'm the one who filed. But, she is at least talking to me like a human now, we can discuss the kids and stuff.

Currently my most heartbreaking thing is that she can be so nonchalant about the end of our marriage. Stuff like, "Hey, could you get me our last 3 years tax returns so I can finish this paperwork for the judge," I'm just imagining her saying, "and then I'm gonna go get some ice cream and have a great day!" It's all very hurtful and very sad. There are days I actually wish she was back to vilifying me, it was easier to deal with emotionally.

Anyway, the fact is, there will be a lot of ups and downs in your future no matter what happen. Hopefully we can all support each other here, learn from each other, and get through it safely and intact!


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you Whodathunkit!!!I really needed some support earlier. I am here alone and didn't know where to turn to, so I turned to MB. We all have similar stories and it so hard to believe that there are so many WS betraying the hearts and minds of the spouses they have left behind.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

MyPainandHurt- I feel your pain, I really do. I too can't believe that my always loving, caring spouse can act so insensitive now. Hang in there and keep reading the forums. We are here for you!


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I guess I am really scared about shutting off all communication with him. I have been the one trying to reach out and now I am cutting off all contact. He wanted to stay separated while rooming together, and I know he will be MAD as HELL that he has to spend extra money when he has legal fees and such when I tell him that he cannot stay in our marital home.

I know I should not worry about that because he shown a complete apathy towards our marriage. 

I guess I don't want him to hate me because I have been professing my love.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I know that my husband is going through a mid life crisis. He is displaying all of the characteristics. And because I love him, I am frightened for him. Yes, people in MLC care more for themselves than they do anyone else. They feel it is there time to be selfish feeling the desire to "act out" because as the aging process continues, they see their youth slipping away from them. He thinks he only has a few years left and feels as though he is missing out on life. When I ask what he wants to do for himself, he cannot answer. He thinks by removing himself from the marriage that he will be happy.

While this hurts me, he may find someone new to spend time with who invigorates him (first time dating), but soon that will die down and reality sets in.

I know that I have cried and probably haven't seen the last of that, but I cry out for his happiness. While he is hurting me right now, I do have compassion and consideration for him even though he is not returning the same. 

My Husband is not a bad person, be he has turned into a very depressed, self-absorbed individual who believes his life is slipping away. He can't see that there is a deep personal issue he is experiencing because he will never admit fault with himself. I am not sure what my role should be moving forward....a caring friend? However, I cannot help him through the MLC. He will continue to justify his actions because he needs a reasoning for a divorce. He his totally re-written our history because it serves the purpose of resolution for divorce. 

He is coming home today and he wants to separate our belongings. I am not sure If I have the strength to do that without crying. He wants to remain living in the house as roommates through the separation and until he files for divorce.

I am so hurt.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

All - I need to vent. The Husband came home to say that he wants to proceed with the separation with intent to divorce and that he will not change his mind. He feels that it has been a long time coming. 

I having a hard time breathing and accepting this!!! But I did not get hysterical. I do not understand. But I do love him and no one can fault me for that. 

What if he files after 6 months? I have an apt tomorrow with a lawyer, so I will ask him some pertinent questions regarding my rights. 

He has desires for other women and he sees me as being in the way. How do I love him when I know this?

ARGHHH!!!


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

^^^Bump


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyPainandHurt said:


> I guess I am really scared about shutting off all communication with him. I have been the one trying to reach out and now I am cutting off all contact. He wanted to stay separated while rooming together, and I know he will be MAD as HELL that he has to spend extra money when he has legal fees and such when I tell him that he cannot stay in our marital home.
> 
> I know I should not worry about that because he shown a complete apathy towards our marriage.
> 
> I guess I don't want him to hate me because I have been professing my love.


Way too much focus on him.

What about you?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

The husband came home tonight. We spoke briefly. He still wants a divorce and sees no other option. He has "waited too long to have the courage to leave and file for divorce." 

I say. "Maybe you are right". And I walk away into to the Kitchen to prep dinner. As I slicing garlic, he just stands behind me as asks if I see the big spider web between our patio umbrella and the house. I couldn't see. Then he hugs my waist and shifts me to see. What is his problem???? He wants a divorce. Tells me he is sleeping in another room, but then puts his hands on me...

I am not taking this any longer..


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Way too much focus on him.
> 
> What about you?


:iagree:

I know it hurts right now, but he's going to do what he's going to do. You need to focus on YOU and how you're going to get through this.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you. Sometimes I need a reality check. 

Well, he is here, sleeping in the other room. I have to get up and go to work, then an appt. with my lawyer. 

Looking forward to getting out of the house for the day even if it is work.


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Hang in there MPH. I had to see my H this past weekend so our soon could come back home. I made the mistake of asking if a divorce was really what he wanted. Of course he said yes. I still haven't eaten and hardly have slept.

He told me last night that all he does is cry when he is by himself and that he's having just as a hard time as he is. I don't believe that. I know it is killing him not being with our son everyday. Even though he should be used to that since he was going for almost a year before moving back home in June then up and leaving again last week.

I wish I didn't love him the way I do.

Remember that you cannot help somone that does not want to be helped or doesn't think they need help. I am speaking from experience. It has to be on his terms when he is ready for help if that is what he needs.

Have a good day all.....


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Unfortunately, the WS forces us to focus on ourselves. You will see it over and over here and most of us after the begging and pleading turn to the 180 as a subtle acknowledgement that we cannot control their cold hearted decisions.

Parroting what has been said a million times here before.

Focus on yourself.
Get into counseling.
Make sure you have people that are available 24/7 for support.
Start exercising.
Start a hobby you have always wanted to try.
Re-engage with friends and restart a social life.
Expose any affair.
They want out so kick them out.
Do not make their new life convenient. Make your life convenient.

If they do not come to their senses, you need to be on that path to the rest of your life.

We HAVE TO STOP FOCUSING ON THEM!

FOCUS ON YOU.

Hard days, hard nights but you can make your future bright.

Lean on us,
Stretch


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

That is great advice Strectch. I hope I can try to follow that. One day at a time....

Listen to his advice MPH it'll be good for us...


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

MyPain, File for divorce yourself and have him served. Why would you want to save a marriage with a man who would treat you this way? The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on and the sooner you will find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Pack his bags and tell him you want him to move out. Tell him that the only communication you will have with him will be in regard to working out your finances. I know you love him, but he obviously no longer loves you. People who love us, do not intentionally hurt us and put us through what your husband has done to you for most, if not all, of your marriage.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I am not sure if I am ready to do that. It is easy to say it, but I am not ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I think you will know when you are ready to take that step. It's a very tough thing to come to terms with the fact that your spouse doesn't love you and doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Like you, I am trying to make sense of all of this and you can only take one day at time. Maybe talking to a counselor/therapist will help you make sense of everything. 

((((HUGS)))) to you MPH...


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Please know that I understand your pain. No sleep, can't eat, useless at work, crippling depression.

No matter how bad it is, and it is flat out crippling, we survive and many thrive.

Take a deep breath and go over to the Positive Thinking thread. Those people are you and me, strong, loving people that suffered through this awful thing and can see positive enjoyable times ahead.

I just felt like it is important to understand that our advice comes with the comeraderie of our shared pain.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. It will hurt a little bit less every day.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you CLS and Stretch. It is definitely one day at a time. I may not be perfect, but I was loyal and a really understanding wife. He will not move his clothes out of our bedroom and insists on getting dressed while I am there. I am going home tonight and move his clothes to the spare room. This is not to punish him, but to ensure that I have my own space. 

So sad.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Since he is in the house still you do need your own space and he needs to go to the spare room.

How long will he be in the house? 

Try to keep your chin up. Go about your own business when he is there with you. Talk to him only when necessary and don't let him see you cry.

Hope you have a good day.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> Thank you CLS and Stretch. It is definitely one day at a time. I may not be perfect, but I was loyal and a really understanding wife. He will not move his clothes out of our bedroom and insists on getting dressed while I am there. I am going home tonight and move his clothes to the spare room. This is not to punish him, but to ensure that I have my own space.
> 
> So sad.....


I think this was the right thing to do. How did it go?


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

hi.i feel for you.im going through something simular.chin up my darling their are plenty more fish in the sea and plenty more without nasty fins like his.xxx


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OP, I hate to ask it but am surprised nobody has yet... Have you checked his phone records, email, things like that to see if there might not be a MLC affair going on? He's not beyond that...


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

CLS, Stretch, FIP, LB, and DT thank you for the posts. I am not sure how long he plans to be in the house, possibly until this is all settled. I do think there is something going on with someone even though he keeps telling me that this is not what this is about.

Help!! H is pressuring me to read the separation agreement and agree to how we divide up our stuff. He said he wanted to talk to me about it last night, but I got home later than expected and I went to bed. He thinks I am stalling. 

This was his talk with me this morning..

"There is a hard way and there is an easy way to do this"...

He wants me to sit down and talk about how we separate everything we have shared together for the last 14 years!! He has no clue that that is so hard for me right now. And he see that by me NOT sitting down with him, then I don't want to work with him on the separation and his D. He then tells me that if I contest it, it will be difficult...

I don't know what to do.. I am so frustrated..


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MP&H, just remember -- you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. He's not the boss of you!

He's trying to push you to do this immediately because he's been thinking about this all for a very long time. He's probably already detached and thought this all through, and he's ready to move on. But you've only just recently learned of his intentions, and you need time to process. You can tell him this, and you can say, "Listen, I'm not contesting or trying to be difficult. But you've dropped a huge bomb on me without any warning. I need time to think and process, and I'm not ready to discuss a separation agreement yet. You gave yourself plenty of time to prepare for this, but you haven't given me the same courtesy. I need some time and I need some space before I'm ready to talk about this."

He obviously doesn't see what a huge ass he's being, or he's decided that he doesn't care. The WAS rarely ever does. All he's focusing on right now is moving on and his future with this new woman.

I've been reading this book lately that I think you might find helpful:
Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal: Vikki Stark: 9780986472107: Amazon.com: Books


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

From a 180/going dark standpoint, I think you could tell him to leave the documents and tell him that you will review them and be prepared to discuss them at some future point, say two or three weeks from now.

You could position it as you are busy with other things and that this is not a priority for you at this time. Issues with the kid(s) might be the only subject you are willing to discuss sooner because it is your priority.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Well, when I get home, the Husband tells me he is sick and that he does not want to talk about anything and wants a truce... At this point, I haven't said a word to him. We have dinner, I go to my room. He comes into my bedroom and then announces that he wants me to read the separation agreement tomorrow while he is at reserve duty and that if I do not read it then he will see that as an act of aggression and stalling and he will move out and work through the lawyers. 

I feel so threatened. He is being so mean to me and I went to my room. He then knocks on my bedroom door and I open the door and he proceeds to tells me that he that if I do not work with him, then he will move out and it will not end well for me if we go through the lawyers. I haven't done anything and I feel so powerless and devalued that I just cried. I do not know what I did, I did nothing, I said nothing. He said he wanted a truce tonight, but he attacked me after I went to bed. 

I did not say anything and I did nothing to provoke his attack. I just came to bed. I even ordered dinner for him.

Why is this happening?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

All I fell asleep because of all the anger and frustration of this as you all have also experienced. I have a couple of friends but they but have newborns and I really don't want to bother them so yes, I am dealing with this by myself (except for the wonderful support here on MA). I thank you for offering to speak with me. 

I am trying to take care of myself, but it is hard. I am hardly eating and I can't get myself to even exercise.....I use to run 4 times a week, well since the bomb dropped, nothing. It is even hard to engage in conversation, even at work. People at work have noticed that "I am not myself." I use to laugh, smile, and really talk with colleagues, and my boss, but I feel like no more talk, all work....all business...

I know I don't deserve his treatment of me and I am so perplexed as to how he could treat me so poorly after everything I have done and thought I was to him. I have thought about sending a letter to his command to ask for their help in forcing my ah to stop the affair. He is so prideful that he would hate me for doing that and would see as the "spiteful" wife.

Maybe I should just do what he wants and let the marriage die. I am in so much pain because he reasoning is so illogical. I guess the OW is really pushing him. He has never been threatening with me our entire marriage and he is just someone I do not recognize.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Okay, just a quick update. He knocks on door this morning because he has to get his uniform for duty this morning. He has already left, but he comes over to the bed and kisses me on the forehead and apologized for his behavior last night. He said he was very rude and terrible to me. He said he was drunk and very tired and upset about having duty this weekend. He continued to apologize. I didn't say anything because I was still half awake. 

Not sure what to make of this, but I will ignore it for now.

I am actually glad that he is gone for the day. I can now regroup my thoughts get moving on doing things for myself today. I am going for a run, then stop for coffee.

I have got to get myself out of this funk!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You may find this article helpful. From your description of your relationship, you and STBXH are doing quite the dance around the triangle....

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

MP&H...I'm sorry you had a bad night. I am also in a funk and can't seem to break free. TRY to have a good day.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you all. I need to vent here because I refuse to do it in front of H.

Well I let him get to me..... before leaving home he asked me if I had a chance to review the agreement. I responded that I said we can talk next weekend remember. He then says I am stalling and proceeds to tell me that he has never liked spending time with, he has not enjoyed vacations with me, and that he has never wanted to be with me. 

All I can do now is cry....I am so sorry to keep writing here but how can he say these things to me?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I don't if he was lying to me last night or everytime we were together in the past.

I have to get myself out of this situation. My emotional health cannot handle this. He will not leave, so how do I detach if he is still in the house? I will have to make myself scarce moving forward and stick to it. He wants the benefits of the home I provide..dinner, clean clothes, and a good wife, but he does not want a relationship with me.. Hard to face that.

If he is going to be here and not with his OW (which I think because he wants me to agree to everything including selling the house because he needs the equity), then I can't be around when he is here. I will no longer be available for him to abuse and hurt.

He has serious issues that he cannot face. He is narcissistic, self-absorbing, and self-obsessed, these traits I have never seen in him until now. I cannot change him. 

He is dreaming of a fantasy in which he sees his life as being happier with someone who hangs on to his every word and one where is always is the "hero."...saving the day for everyone. He does not want to feel or acknowledge that he is inadequate in any fashion. This is the self-absorb alien H that I do not like. 

Years ago, I had to admit my issues and sought the support of a great IC to help me face them without being fearful of what it said about me. 

My H is gone.... So I have to be gone, detached, unfeeling toward him moving forward.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Good. Now go get a shark lawyer and take his sorry @$$ to the cleaners.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you ThreeStrikes.. 

I cannot be as cruel to him as he has been to me. I will still be kind and even loving (from afar). But I have to look after myself. 

I cannot afford to buy him out of our house, so I will have to think about what to do in that regard. I have another house that I am paying the mortgage on for my mother. This all sucks because both of our incomes have given us a comfortable life. He wants me to buy him out I think and is now blaming my mother for using me, but he was the one that said that we should buy a place for her because her health was failing and she didn't have enough retirement to sustain her monthly expenses.

I just sent a message to my mother on this because I now have to make other arrangements or think more about what to do. 

Oh God, I love the man that is now missing from my H's body. Why is he being so selfish?

I spend a lot of time alone. I was planning on treating myself to a spa day today, but I am on the couch watching TV and will most likely do housework today.

BTW, the H texted and asked is I could cook dinner as he wants to discuss finances.....Should I say, h#ll no??? Well that is my first reaction.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Stop saying 'yes' when you mean 'no'.

Realize that your marriage is over.

Why would you love someone who treats you so poorly? Answer: You can't. You love the idealized version of the person that you've created.

That person doesn't exist! The quicker you come to that understanding, the better.

Why are you tolerating a relationship like this?

Cook dinner for him? Really? Tell him to F off and that you will be at the spa. Tell him to leave the Separation proposal on your table, and you will take it to a lawyer to have it reviewed/revised.

You need to read the Drama Triangle article I linked in my previous post. Stop being a victim. 

And go get a lawyer. Jeez. If he wants a divorce, give it to him. He can pay the consequences. He can pay your legal fees. You will come out of it better than you think.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I have been able to think a little clearly today. I have cried I cannot lie, but I feel pretty good. I agree, I have been giving him his cake by cooking and cleaning....no more, I will only do for myself.

A friend who I have not spoken to since last year called and she wants to meet up this week. She is a runner as well and she is also running the Army 10 miler next month. I may need to join a running club now that I have time. It may be a good way to meet other people right?

BTW, I am looking into buying a camera as I always wanted to get into photography. However, the DLR cameras can be expensive. The DC area has so many great sights and just walking the city taking pictures is a great way to spend a day.

I hope I am beginning to get it right. But sometimes I backslide. I hope that the backsliding will be few and far between moving forward.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Did you cook dinner for him?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Did you cook dinner for him?


Well did you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I did not.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Did you and STBXH discuss the financials of your D?

Are you making an appointment with a lawyer today?


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I know how you feel about being pressured and the overwhelming feeling you get. My H asked me for some information last week and I haven't given it to him yet because I am going to see a lawyer to day and I want to see what she says by H has been very nast to me to the point that I dont even recognize him anymore.

Just take deep breaths and take one day at a time. 

And don't cook, clean or do his laundry for him anymore!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

You know what has to happen to heal. Take the steps to get him out of your life. If he has some narcissism (sp?) in him, he is gaining self confidence from your willingness to stick around and pretend to have a fake home life.

Girl, when I found myself alone for the first time, it hurts even worse, just don't be surprised. Make sure you have someone to talk to 24/7, you will need it.

However, that will be one of the first days of true healing. And everyday after that will be easier, like an alcoholic counting days of sobriety.

Make a list, do one step at a time, you will reteach yourself how to survive and thrive, I KNOW IT.

Here to try and help,
Stretch


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

MPH-Are you ok??


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

*Yesterday (Sep. 9, 2013)*
Hi All. I meant to post last night, but I was out GALing. Had dinner out with a friend. And watched part of the Redskins/Eagles game. 

Well the H called me while I was at dinner. I didn't answered then he text me. He told me that he was preparing dinner, how far away from home was I? I told him that I had other plans and not to plan for dinner.

I came home a little before 9. We said hello to each other and then I went up to bed. I came down a few minutes later and he asked if I wanted to talk about my day and he asked if I had a good night. I told him, I had a great night said goodnight, and finally went to bed. 

The thing is that I DID have a great night....especially focusing on something other than our M and sitch. And I slept very well..all through the night. 

I got up this morning and he has been up most of the night.. 

*TODAY*
Well I feel like I took 2 steps back.. Should have stayed out tonight. I let H game me into a conversation tonight. First he says he was tired, but then asks me about money and how much I could afford to take on with the house. I said that I was still reviewing (which I am) but he say it as a stall tactic. I reminded him that I thought we were going to talk on the weekend when we were not both tired from working all day, but then he says I was being argumentative!!! I wasn't yelling, I was not being rude, I just said hey, I thought we were going to have this discussion over the weekend? But he was not having it. He said that this is why he is divorcing me. I did not cry, but was astonished. He said that I cannot have an adult conversation about this. 

So unbelievable. He is the child with no concept of being in someone else's shoes, because the NARCISSIST has to be right all of the time!! They have no care about looking through the "other lens". He sees only his view of the world. 

So I will no longer talk to him...be Kind in action, but not in voice.

Geeshhh!!!!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> *Yesterday (Sep. 9, 2013)*
> Hi All. I meant to post last night, but I was out GALing. Had dinner out with a friend. And watched part of the Redskins/Eagles game.
> 
> Well the H called me while I was at dinner. I didn't answered then he text me. He told me that he was preparing dinner, how far away from home was I? I told him that I had other plans and not to plan for dinner.
> ...


Well, if today was two steps back, the day before was four steps ahead, so you're STILL AHEAD in the whole scheme of things. Don't beat yourself up, and stick to your guns. He's just being a stupid-head.

(Yup, I said it. A stupid-head. You can tell him I said that.)


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

HI CLS. Yes, I am fine. Just had a dumpy night last night.

FIP, thank you for the laugh..."stupid head" 

I am trying to get out of the house before the H gets up so that I can avoid his constant desire to attack me....

Have a good day everyone.


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Just keep pushing forward MPH. It sounds like both our H's are somewhat narcissistic. It's a shame.

When you are at home, just go about your business and keep contact to a MINIMUM. It's a shame that you have to be in the same house as him but hopefully you can get that stuff straightened out and be on your own.

BE STRONG.....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MPH, I just wonder... if he's "attacking" you to try to get you to leave the house, to strengthen his claim on the property? Just a thought.

Seriously, he's a stupid-head


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Quite a pickle you've found yourself in. It appears that you are gaining strength already, though. I think running is the one thing you SHOULD be doing, to keep the endorphins coming, to clear your head, and purge the "filters" as I call it. Don't forget to take that kind of time for yourself, Obviously nobody else is taking care of you right now. 

How's it going with your Mom? Can you move in with her? Is that even an option?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

CLS, thank you.. and yes, I will take care and hopefully I will be able to deal with him being in the house. He seemed okay tonight. I am also a chef and LOVE to cook because it calms me and I just turn up my music and dance while cooking. 

of course he saw me in a good mood, but not because I was trying to impress him, but because I needed to do it for me. I haven't made a complex dinner in months, but it felt great to spend time in the kitchen for hours.....I know..weird huh?

FIP.. he is a stupid head.....he came and knocked on my bedroom door after I had such a good night for me to say, ?I need you to review the numbers on the house... I really need you to pay attention to what is happening... I you had a good night, but I need you to look at the numbers so we can talk about them." I just said okay, but I was going to bed and wished him a good night and close the door.

Doubletrouble, I am trying to gain strength although I fail at times, but I keep pushing forward. I hope you are doing okay...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you made an appointment with an attorney yet?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

ThreeStrikes, I met with a lawyer 2 weeks ago, so I have all of my rights documented. 

Okay. H talks too much. he goaded me into another discussion tonight after I got home from work late. He sent me a spreadsheet of the current mortgage costs along with house value and current equity.

I got home at 8 pm from work and of course the first questions was, "did you have a chance to review the spreadsheet I sent?" 

I told him that I saw it right before I left work, but I had not had an opportunity to "absorb" the information. (it is month end for me at work and I manage the financial systems, so it is extremely busy through the end of the month). 

But he wants to talk about the numbers and so yes I engage, so I guess I asked for his treatment. He spoke to me like I did not understand. But I did, and of course he did not like that I understood because then he could not speak to me like I was 9 years old!!!!

The house value is around $800K and the equity is around $458K, so he split out his part of the equity to be $258 K and the rest as mine. He then tells me that he may not want to waive the $30k he put down on the house in the south because "he is trying to be fair"....yeah right, he lied and cheated, but he is trying to be fair...(I know, sarcastic).

He is being calm and yes, I validated UNTIL he said he was trying to be fair because it would work to my advantage... Well I saw this as being condescending... so against all rules I learned here, I backslid...

I told him that he could not speak to me like I could not understand and that unlike him, I was faithful, loyal, and committed. He was quiet and then said that he could never talk to me because I was always combative...

Well, I did not yell, or call him names (unlike him towards me). I said we were both adults and should begin interacting that way. I said that I was sorry for his unhappiness and if there were something that I could do as his friend (not his wife) to change it, I would do. 

He is so frustrating and he DOES not believe that his thinking or actions are wrong!!! He has treated with disrespect and indifference that he feels entitled to do so....

I ended the conversation because I felt as though I did our M and me a disservice in just saying anything or "confronting", but I was exhausted by how he treated me. So if we are done, then we are done, but at least I stood up for myself....no more cake eating or beatings!!!


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Well, I roped myself into a discussion (argument) with spouse. I tried not to respond. We had dinner and he is talking about work and then he asks about when we can have conversation about D. I said that I was sorry he felt that way, but he can talk to my lawyer if he wanted convo on D. Well, he got angry and said that if that is how i wanted to "play it" then either one of us could go for anything from each other in the D. He also said the D was going to happen whether I liked it or not. 

Well I blew it and mentioned the OW and how he was a liar and a cheater. He is suppose to be a officer and that he had no moral values. (yes, I know it was wrong, but I was so emotional). I also told him that if he could not be honest with me about his affair then yes of course he would have been unhappy with me because he has been living a 2 life lie - one where he wants folks to believe and trust in his honesty and integrity and the other where he is bonking the OW and being secretive and dishonest in carrying on an illicit affair with a married woman with children. The OW H is also a state patrolman. 

I was so upset with him, that I threw a shoe at him because he wanted to hurt me, so I told him not some closer so I threw a shoe. 

He stopped and just sat on the couch and asked how much longer I was going to "lecture" him. I then quieted down - well we both did and he just hugged his knees and rocked back and forth a bit. This was probably the first and last argument heated argument between us, because I am done with his lying and cheating. He also has an issue with watching porn, but I have never exposed that. I told him that his OW was using him and that I have been a friend (not just a wife) to him for years on end. I admitted my faults but that he added up my concern and care for him, he would be able to see the difference. Well he told me he is happier being a liar and cheat because he didn't have to think about me or my feelings. 

He has lied and cheated on me with this OW for the last year even after coming home telling me that he could not live without me. I feel so unloved and pitiful. I have allowed him to cheat and lie to me for months!!

He makes me feel like I am the most gullible woman on earth and one who didn't deserve to be truthful with. That is why I got so upset tonight, but of course his reaction is "see how you are acting!". But he was the ne who was threatening in that I didn't or don't agree to his every word, which I think I did by saying I am sorry that he felt that way and told him to call my lawyer. Well he doesn't want to go the lawyer for anything but an agreed upon settlement because of the expense. He then also told me that he would call the security department at his job and let them know that I may do something to harm him - not physically, but through defamation (sp??) of character. What? Is he kidding? HE is HAVING and affair and I am the one who is insane???? The A$$ho!e!!!.. He is never going to be able to see how he has treated me without warrant and how he has spoke to me with the most carelessness. 

I am not sure what is going on, but he says that he now needs to make coffee at home in the mornings to save money. And the fact that he is pushing for me to by him out of the house is also troubling because I think he wants to take care of OW. She wouldn't be able to move with him or from her H without monetary support and he is willing to give up this house that he spent years building with his own hands. Baffling!!!

Well I was calm by the end of the conversation and h was just like a kid with his knees up and his head on his knees. I told him that I was his friend and apologized for getting upset, but we both pushed each others buttons tonight. He did not respond, but just sat that. I apologized again, wished him a good night and came up to bed to post.

So, I can take it......I reacted badly to him didn't I?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

He's trying to rationalize his behavior to assuage his guilt. I also might have thrown a shoe at him 

I'm cracking uo at the mental image of you throwing a shoe at him, even though it probably wasn't funny at the time; it seems to me like you were feeling physically threatened.

You were doing your best - don't beat yourself up about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> He's trying to rationalize his behavior to assuage his guilt. I also might have thrown a shoe at him
> 
> I'm cracking uo at the mental image of you throwing a shoe at him, even though it probably wasn't funny at the time; it seems to me like you were feeling physically threatened.
> 
> ...



:lol:

To the cracking up laughing comment. But seriously felt threatened and I hurled it his way. He coward low to avoid begin hit and it the wall instead. But it felt good to hurl something his way for a change, because you know his slinging has been with lies, cheating, and betrayal..


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

You are doing great standing up for yourself MPH. Keep doing it and don't let him bully you. My STBX has also said "you want to play that way, then bring it." Seriously now, I don't get how someone that once loved you more than anything and would die for you can be so cold and callous (sp?).

Keep your head high.......


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: All Out of Options - Help Please! - NOW*

All I am losing it. Please help.  Here is what I got from my H this morning. 

Wife,

I talked to my lawyer this morning about what happened between us yesterday. She advised me that if I chose, I could have the court issue a protective order against you that would order the cessation of the violent behavior and require you to move out of the house. I'm not going to do that. My lawyer also advised me to move out. I am going to do that.

I can't understand why or how you recorded me talking to other people. If your hope is to use that to prove something in the court proceedings, all it will prove is what ever it represents, sate it for the record, it will not have any affect on the outcome of the division of the assets in the state of Virginia. And, the act of you recording me without my consent is a felony in Virginia, with jail time. So you should think carefully about what you want to do with it. 
Recording Phone Calls and Conversations | Digital Media Law Project
Virginia Recording Law | Digital Media Law Project

You know that I had hoped we could work through this like two adults, friends, without the adversarial behaviors, without the violence. I have been trying to do that and you keep resisting. I want the best possible outcome for the both of us and for us to achieve that as quickly and painlessly as we can, for the both of us. Having to work this through the lawyers is also going to cost us thousands of dollars. I would still prefer us to work out the agreement. Only now, I insist we do that via email. No more phone calls. No more texts. No more harassment. And if you prefer, I guess we'll work it through our lawyers. Your choice.

We'll work out some times for me to get my stuff down the road - so you don't have to be there when I do.

I need to provide my your lawyer's contact info if it has changed. Please let me know. My lawyer is XXXX, XXXXXXX, in case I hadn't already provided that info to you.

Please send me an email to let me know you received this.

XXXXXX, please let us do this as friends, adults and friends.

Husband


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Take a deep breath. You would expect some posturing based on your strong stance. I would say you have their attention and you should continue to push for what you feel is right.

The no contact approach will protect you from any further false accusations. Do not be intimidated. A lying cheater should not be trusted which is why you are in the situation you are in not because of something you did.

I believe that recording a conversation is not problematic. What you do with the recording is. If he threatens you again, tell the rocket scientist that every birthday party video is not a felony.

If you have the courage, you could put on paper what you want, making sure it is more than you could get through the courts and mail it to d-bag saying this is a way we could avoid lawyers. Watch his caring BS disappear predictably.

Be strong girlfriend, be strong, you are kickin' a$$,
Stretch


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you for your words. I am very distraught still at this moment as my mind cannot wrestle with the fact that this imposter, liar, and cheater has actually accused me of being the aggressor. While I should not have thrown a shoe at him, (and he told me that I also threw the remote (but I do not remember that), he threatened to have an injunction issued against me if I were to call the OW, tell the OW husband, or call his job. 

I could NOT believe my ears. Then he said he would rather be a liar and cheat. Who says that!!!! 

I am crying for everything I have lost, how I have been treated, how I could have forgiven him the first time to be betrayed and treated with the kind of evil that is truly heartbreaking.

I called my lawyer and left him 2 messages. He is with a client until 4:00 pm EST. I want to change the locks, I want to not be here anymore to deal with this, and I want him to suffer a little. I spoke to my boss today because I am not going to work tomorrow. I can't. And if I have to see my lawyer I hoping tomorrow. I will file now for adultery. and then hire a PI to get the proof as a part of the settlement. I am so hurt that I am numb right now.

I am dying inside of raw emotions - how could a HUMAN BEING...a human being with feelings and emotions cause this unbearable pain and grief? It is not likely that I could ever recover from his vial attacks and treatment. (Oh, by the way, when he left after coming home to pack, he said for me never to contact him by phone or text; he is only going to communicate via email). He has the power.....I could not say or do anything but cry...

I know I will have to lift my head up at some point, but I am truly at a lost...of myself.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I woke up in tears.

I trusted and love this man who has hurt me. I believed or thought that if was committed and took care of myself and him, that we could work through anything.

He had or is having an affair and I cannot compete against that. I feel foolish, pitiful, rejected,, and devalued. His conduct has been borderline EVIL. His "mirror" is distorted, so he is unable to truly see himself or reflect with clarity. 

My heart hurts for the sorrow and defat I feel, for the love I lost, and for the pain I have endured. Yesterday I was between grief and anger. But now, I only ache. 

I pray for God's salvation and deliverance. I did pray for my H, because he is possessed by something not of the human kind. Why do I say this? I have been with him for 15 years. I know his faults, his ways, I basically I know him. He was a kind being and 3 to 4 years ago, he changed. I know he was struggling with something and so my intuition led to the discovery of his affair. 

My H knows (and maybe resents) that I know him so well, that is why he tries to deflect his anger and blame onto me. And like an idiot, I have allowed it to happen. So, I need to start looking at him as someone not of this world, someone who mind is clouded with the "fog" as you say.

“You can not change what you don’t acknowledge.” Dr. Phil

Thank you for my tears...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I thought I remember reading that Virginia was one of the few states that had "at fault" laws for adultery. 

Check with your lawyer. If you can prove he is having an affair, you might be able to screw him over financially.


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

MPH-it sounds like he is trying to bully you. Don't let him do that to you. Stand firm and do the 180.

You and I both have to come to the realization that our spouses walked away from us and we cannot do anything about it. But what we can do is learn from it and move on. Wow, I should take my own advice.

I hope you have a good night, read a book, watch a mindless tv show or enjoy a glass of wine. You deserve it.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you CLS and Stretch!!! I agree, I need to relax, not tonight will be mindless TV. Maybe something like "Trading Spouses"..  No not really, but that made me smile.

It has been a busy day. I am getting a new attorney because I am not getting a good feeling about the one I hired. He is not taking my case as seriously as I think he should. While I think he gave good advice, he is saying that I should not do anything. I guess I am wondering why not. He says that because my H has not issued anything, there is no need. What do you think?

I spoke to a new lawyer today and have a consultation with her tomorrow. I have kept my distance from H. No calls, no emails, and no texts. 

However, the lawyer today told me that I should change the keypad passcode back to what it was because it could exacerbate his anger toward me and that she wants me to take the high road if she takes on my case. She would prefer to take an action that gives me exclusive rights to the home (which is what I told my lawyer I wanted, but he was a little reluctant). I got that advice from another friend.

So right now I am back into the garage to reset it. I hope everyone suffering through their WS's fog are doing well today. THANK YOU for the support and assistance because I really appreciate it.

MPH


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Well I had the meeting with the other lawyer today and I liked her. She listened to my concerns and the situation. The first thing she said to me was that he is a bully and that I should never ever sign anything that my H places in front of me because he is only focused on himself. Based on security clearance of my H, he would be a moron to even pursue a protective order or refuse to make payments on the mortgage without a separation agreement in place and if he wants that, he is going to have to negotiate. 

She gave me some good information, but some of it I was not expecting. In this situation, I make more than my H by only $9K, but our home is going to be the quagmire. Since he wants the cash, he wants to buy me out, but I am going to an investment manager to see what and how I can individually afford to live based on income. Based on that we can then draft an agreement based on an informed financial mgmt. consultation. 

I think I would feel more comfortable, because me H was pressuring me to agree to his terms without me first seeking guidance from a lawyer or financial investment manager on living affordably and comfortably. So I am going to do that on Monday.

Still, no texts, phone calls, or emails to or from H. So far, I am able to breathe, but it is lonely..


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

You are being smart, keep it up.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I agree with Stretch. I'm glad you got a different lawyer. She seems better than your last and has your best interest in mind.

Keep us updated.

Remember you are never alone....


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

MPH-where have you been? Are you ok????


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Hi CLS - I have been on an emotionally rollercoaster for the last week. A lot of revelations. I realized that I didn't WANT to retain a lawyer because it meant FINALITY - the END of M. 

I also brought on another attack from my H after 1 week of no contact because I responded to an email he sent regarding the sep agreement. I should have just ignored it. But I also found out that he has been having conversation with OW while at his best friend's place often not getting off of the phone until midnight. He use to complain to me about not getting to bed early because he always had a busy day at work. 

Well that really made me sad although I know I should have tried to put it out of my mind. Yesterday, I decided to seek one more consult with a lawyer and then hire one because my H threatened to turn off utilities. I can swing the utilities alone (and pay the mortgage on the other house), but I cannot pay the mortgage on the marital home alone.

I need to look after my interest and be smart. I am going to start looking for another place that I can afford alone because it will give me a new start. He is running away from his life because he has an passive aggressive disorder. "It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people. "

This was from an article I read and OMG - it fit his treatment and behavior towards me. 

In addition, I have been away because I have had a busy week at work. But I hope you are okay. I hope to catch up on your thread this weekend. MPH


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MPH, you don't have a link to that article, do you?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> MPH, you don't have a link to that article, do you?


Hi FTP!.. Yes I do and here it is:

The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> Hi FTP!.. Yes I do and here it is:
> 
> The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka



Excellent, thanks! I know some.people think it's lame, but I've gotten a lot out of reading articles and self-help books. It has heloed me to better understand my STBXH's behavior and choices, and how I can move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> Hi FTP!.. Yes I do and here it is:
> 
> The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka


 VH - OMG, this is my STBXH, to a tee!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

MPH,
I just found your thread today and read it through. I don't know if you realize but it's very obvious how much stronger you've become over the weeks you have been posting. It's great to see! Give yourself a pat on the back. Your strength is coming through and it is inspiring. 

I hope you can move on and realize that your ex's behaviour is not a reflection of anything you have or haven't done. His behaviour tells the story of him and no one else. 

I hope you are having more up days than down!


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