# Wife's EA/PA



## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi everyone, I'm new here and never thought I would post in a forum!!! I would appreciate your advice and insight into my situation. Wife and I been married for about 20 years, we have an 18 year old daughter. Today I got a called from a woman whose husband is having an affair with my wife, I'm total crushed by this, this man is my wife's ex bf from 25 years ago!!! It seems they have really never let go and I'm just at loss here. I don't know what to think or what to do. I didn't confront my wife yet as I want to have the evidence OM's wife will be sending me tomorrow, OM asked his wife for a divorce. I love my wife and want to fix this. Any help will be welcome.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

As someone who is living through this sh*t now, I have one advice.

Do not beg. Do not try to be reasonable and rational with her. It ain't gonna work. Clench your balls in the fist and find some anger.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Did they reconnect thru facebook? At least the OMW informed you and you will be getting proof. Start investigating your WW from your end. Keyloggers, VARs, etc.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Yes facebook, sadly his wife only told me now (it has been going on for a year and half). She tried to work it out with him and break them off to no success that's why she contacted me now. Yes, I'm gonna install all the spy stuff.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Wait until you have the evidence - be aware that the OM may have been told by his wife what was going to happen, so prepare yourself for a barrage of lies and gaslighting by your wife.
Hopefully the evidence will be strong enough to make her realise the game is up.
We're sorry your with us Crushedbyit, but we'll do whatever we can to help. Although some of the advice you get at first may feel like the exact opposite of what you feel like doing, remember we've all been there.

Best wishes


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

crushedbyit said:


> I didn't confront my wife yet as I want to have the evidence OM's wife will be sending me tomorrow, OM asked his wife for a divorce. I love my wife and want to fix this.


Since the OM has asked his wife for a divorce so that he can be with your wife, there is the very real possibility that your wife will also be asking you for a divorce. Although this is new to you it is not new to them. The other man has been working behind your back for a year and a half on stealing your wife away from you. 

At this point gathering evidence to confront her is pointless as she already knows what is going on and has had months to plan with the OM what they will be doing to you. Assume the OM's wife is not lying (she would not claim to be sending you evidence that she does not have) and start protecting yourself. Call an attorney right now. She will try to use the fact that you want to fix it as a tool against you. She will try to use your love for her as a weakness that is to be exploited.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its a shame that the OMW took a year and a half to expose the affair to you. You could have been the other pair of eyes to help kill the affair by giving your WW some consequences to end it. 

Time to lawyer up and see what your options are. If OM is willing to divorce his wife, which is still questionable, then you may or may not have a chance at R. From what I've seen here, and other woman forums, the OM is probably waffling, telling his BW that he wants a divorce, leaves, then comes back, especially if there are children involved. They (OM) usually leave, feel guilt, try to come back to their wife, leave again, and repeat the process. If he really wanted to leave his wife, he would have done so already because they have been in the affair for a year and a half. And if OM had already left his wife, your wife would have left you at that time and you would have been left wondering what the hell happened. You will need to file from your end.

Do not waiver in your resolve. This is the strongest you will have to be in your life.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Thank you very much for the replies. I will start gathering info on my side, OM's wife will fax me everything she has today. The affair is already a PA for at least 6 months according to the OM's wife. OM asked his wife for a divorce yesterday, his wife told me that she would not tell him she called me but I not sure if he may find out and tell my wife.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Any children involved in your family and the other family? This may be a factor.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Yes, we have a 18 year old daughter and OM has three kids 15 and under.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

So sorry you are going through this. One thing to remember, there are others who know exactly how you feel. I am one of those others. That was the greatest encouragement for me, to know I wasn't alone. It's too soon to make any decisions about your marriage or your future. You haven't had time to let this sink in yet, let alone make life changing decisions. Take it a little at a time. Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide. 
Have you talked with your wife and asked her about this? Does she want to stay together and work it out?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. You need to get tested for STD's at once.
2. See an attorney just to understanding your options. The more knowledge you have the better.
3. She clearly was willing to destroy your marriage. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Its a shame that the OMW took a year and a half to expose the affair to you.


possible that she didn't know until recently? (when he asked for divorce)

but again this is more proof that exposing to the OMW or OWH is doing the right thing


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

snap said:


> As someone who is living through this sh*t now, I have one advice.
> 
> Do not beg. Do not try to be reasonable and rational with her. It ain't gonna work. Clench your balls in the fist and find some anger.


This right here.

If she says she wants out don't try to stop her. Odds are she has emotionally detached from you some time ago and if she does try to leave then that means she has no interests in what you want or how you feel. Since the OM is leaving him BS then there's a good chance the OM and your WW have made plans. Don't be shock if she tries to leave you now since he's out.

Don't waste your time telling her how much you hurt and stuff like that. It might make you feel better but it will fall on deaf ears.

The most effective way to stop an affair and wake them up to what they are doing is to tell them GTFO. When they see you won’t stand for what they have done and that you will move on without them it’s a big blow to their ego and makes them think twice about their choices. Get angry (she has been screwing another guy behind your back and disrespecting you so you have a very good reason to be angry) and use that anger to get away from her. Don’t roll over and be a doormat or she will make your life a limbo hell. Make decisions for yourself and don’t expect her to do the right thing because she won’t.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> This right here.
> 
> If she says she wants out don't try to stop her. Odds are she has emotionally detached from you some time ago and if she does try to leave then that means she has no interests in what you want or how you feel. Since the OM is leaving him BS then there's a good chance the OM and your WW have made plans. Don't be shock if she tries to leave you now since he's out.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Do exactly this.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This is the hardest thing to do when you love someone and don't want to lose them. But you need to be strong. 

You need to tell her you have always loved her. You need to tell her that she has broken your heart. But then, you need to tell her to GTFO. That you won't tolerate a cheating wife. 

The most attractive you can be to her is to show her that you won't put up with a cheater and that you will survive without her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ArmyOfJuan is right and you'd be wise to take his advice.

Along the same lines, please read the following:



> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> This is the hardest thing to do when you love someone and don't want to lose them. But you need to be strong.
> 
> You need to tell her you have always loved her. You need to tell her that she has broken your heart. But then, you need to tell her to GTFO. That you won't tolerate a cheating wife.
> 
> The most attractive you can be to her is to show her that you won't put up with a cheater and that you will survive without her.


You also need to tell her she has single handedly broken up a family with three children.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your responses. OM's wife faxed me all the evidence she has, wow what a shock!!! There's no doubts of what this is and what they been doing. Some of the stuff is plain disgusting. I think I'm ready to confront her tonight.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what is it that you want, now that you have seen it?


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

I love her and want to work this out. Don't want to lose my marriage and our family.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

crushedbyit said:


> I love her and want to work this out. Don't want to lose my marriage and our family.


I wouldn`t let her know that right away.

I`d take the advice you`ve been given here.
Anger is a better ally right now than compassion.

Don`t stand for this, let her know you respect yourself far more than she respects you.

If you want her back you have to be more attractive than her OM and begging,pleading, groveling, and being a doormat never attracted any woman.

She may leave but she would have anyway.

This attitude is your only chance.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

crushedbyit said:


> I love her and want to work this out. Don't want to lose my marriage and our family.


well for starters you need to realize it's already gone


and whether or not it can be retrieved isn't in your control (you can't R without a partner not willing to do it)


and as scary as it sounds, your best shot at R is to pull out the divorce card


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- do NOT get emotional, whether it is anger or begging or sadness when you confront

be very matter of fact (excuse yourself to the bathroom if you have to cry) and calmly state that you cannot control her but at the same time you refuse to live in an open marriage and unless she does "x" then you are filing for divorce

"x" I will post in a moment


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"x"


1) No contact- she is to write a letter to the OM's stating that her marriage is her top priority now and that she will no longer want any contact at all with him and he is never to contact her again. If the OM contacts her then she is to ignore it and tell you of it right away 

2) Complete transparency- she is to give up all passwords to every email or account, allow you access to her phone when you want and tell you of her actions and where she is going. She cannot complain if you are snooping and allow to do what you need to verify her actions. IOW her privacy is now null and void. You should also without telling her install spy tech to verify this. GPS, keylogger, VAR's etc.

3) She has to demonstrate true remorse by not only words by her actions- she has to do the heavy lifting as we say. She must answer everything truthfully and tell you everything right away. If you require her to do IC or MC then she must comply. She has to bear the brunt of your pain.

4) start spending more time together one on one, start finding things to do together and strengthen your bond. Start openly talk about problems and being honest about your needs and wants.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Well wife refuses to give up the OM or agree to the rules suggested by you here. If I'm "not happy I can file for divorce" Right now I'm numb and not sure what I want or will do, a lot was said and I just not sure of anything. OM's wife also called me to let me know OM filed for divorce today and was packing to move out.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm so sorry.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

crushedbyit said:


> Well wife refuses to give up the OM or agree to the rules suggested by you here. If I'm "not happy I can file for divorce"


In my last post I said that "Since the OM has asked his wife for a divorce so that he can be with your wife, there is the very real possibility that your wife will also be asking you for a divorce". Your wife has in effect just asked you for a divorce. The other man had over a year to steal her from you behind your back without you having a chance to fight back. It was not a fair fight, he used treachery and lies to win, but regardless you have lost her. The wife you thought you knew is gone forever.

I am so sorry for your loss. Be strong and do not let her use your love for her as a weapon against you. Your love for her does not make you inferior, it actually makes you the better person since you were the one that stayed true to your marriage vows. You were not the one lying and cheating. Going forward act as if your wife has died and that this is a different person because as of now she is. Get an attorney and protect yourself. Be strong and do not show her weakness. Begging and pleading will only help her justify her actions since it will prove you unworthy of her love. Again, I am so sorry.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

crushedbyit said:


> Well wife refuses to give up the OM or agree to the rules suggested by you here. If I'm "not happy I can file for divorce" Right now I'm numb and not sure what I want or will do, a lot was said and I just not sure of anything. OM's wife also called me to let me know OM filed for divorce today and was packing to move out.


Of course she refused. They ALWAYS refuse. She played the divorce card on you. That's also typical. Play her bluff. Well, it may not be a bluff, but you don't know that yet. She's still in lala land. On her affair high.

So, time to go 180 on her. Can someon here post the link to the 180 for crushed? 

Then, go see a divorce lawyer immediately. File for divorce. You don't have to get divorced if things work out, but right now you need to show balls. You need to show her you will be just fine without her. This is also the power of the 180. To give you strength.

Then, you need to tell your family, friends, and her family you filed for divorce. Don't turn it into a witch hunt. Just tell those closest to you. Tell them why you are getting divorced. Because your WW has no morals. You don't have to do this, but if you dont, your WW will tell everyone using her version. I didn't do this, and apparently, my WW told everyone we seperated because it was ME having an affair. I think a lot of them still hate me because of my wife's infidelity. Lol.

This advise will seem counterintuitive to you. But it's because you are new to the shock. This stuff works. And in the end, if it doesn't, you find someone that loves you.

Go to the Men's forum here. Read up on manning up. Boundaries. And the psychology of waywards posted throughout the forums here. Ask a lot of questions. Get lots of support. The more knowledge you have the stronger you will feel. This stuff with waywards plays out like a script. So try to at least read the advise of some of the more "experienced" members with an open mind.

And don't forget to eat. They don't call it the divorce diet because it sounds funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Time to change bank accounts and cancel her CCs. File for divorce and expose the affair. Sorry but it doesn't sound good.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. This is really important. You may feel like it but you must not leave. Got that?

She most likely looks like you as less than dirt now since for the past year she has been demonizing you. Give her no excuse to do that any further.

Ask her to leave if she wants to continue the affair.

Split the money. Do this now.
Withdraw all emotional and physical support. It is not your job now.
If you are falling apart. Which I suspect you are.. Go to your Doctor and tell him/her what is going on. 
You are under severe emotional stress and you need to get it under control. You need to be able to think clearly.
I am so sorry. This is very similar to my story. 
This is not going to be fixed quickly.

Lovingly Detach..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

This is the 180 link.

Note the 180 is for your benefit. It is not meant to manipulate your wife. It is meant for your mental health and for you to handle your pain.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34872-need-opinons-long-post.html#post483037


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes, do not leave the house. Let her leave if she wants the OM. 

Let your 18 year old daughter know what's happening. Realize she's caught in the middle. But if you raised her right, she will know your wife is in the wrong here.

Start protecting yourself financially and legally. Cancel all joint bank accounts and credit cards. Take all the money you can and secure it in a safe place. Dont let her have access to it.

Dont finance her affair.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This all sounds so weird doesn't it, but your wife has dumped you. She is keen to start a life with her new man. 

Don't tell your wife anything you don't have to. Pass word protect your computer. Do not tell her about this forum. This is your safe place. 
It may not feel like it now because we are giving awful harsh advice, but most of us have been where you are now and we don't want you to repeat our mistakes!

Your marriage may or may not be salvageable, you may not even want to salvage it in a few months time. 
Most people posting here are in favor of reconciliation, but where you are now is a terrible place to start and the primary motivation is to protect you and your mental health. 

*Food:*
Research shows that fish high in Omega 3 will significantly reduce your stress levels. 
Tuna for dinner! Just empty a can in a roll. Lettuce. 
Do not eat junk food!

*Exercise*
As a result of fight,freeze or flight response Your body is producing adrenalin. The byproducts are toxic and you need to clear them. Go for a run or walk.
Raise your heartbeat to give you some much needed endorphin's 
It will also help you sleep.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sorry crushed, I'm sorry to hear that and unfortunately it appears that her affair was too long

I suggest you get a good cry out and then start getting angry, you need controlled anger to do what's needed to protect yourself, please start by making appointments with a lawyer and a doctor


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Crush, it was brushed over here earlier on but you need to make sure you protect yourself. 

Get a seperate bank acount if you dont have one already. Do not put money into a joint account. Also cancel any credit cards that are joint. Secure cards in your name away from her so she cant fund the affair on your $.

Lastly, tell her she is responsible for half the bills, switch which ever ones you can into her name so her credit is effected if she does not paty them. Keep the main utilities yourself so you have the necessities.

Move her out if possible, or at least move her out of the marital bedroom.

time for her to face the reality of not having your support.

Q~


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First thing - cut off all joint money. Take half the money out of any joint accounts and stop your paycheck being direct deposited.

End the credits cards you share. Cut off her ability to have financial freedom to carry on the affair.

Tell her you won't live in a open marriage with a cheating 3$#$ and if that is who she is, then since she's already ended the marriage, she can end living with you too. She can leave.

You then need to file for divorce - don't go for a "I'm gonna hope" separation. She killed the marriage when she cheated, you're only making it official with the divorce.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

crushedbyit said:


> Well wife refuses to give up the OM or agree to the rules suggested by you here. If I'm "not happy I can file for divorce" Right now I'm numb and not sure what I want or will do, a lot was said and I just not sure of anything. OM's wife also called me to let me know OM filed for divorce today and was packing to move out.


That sucks but not unexpected. It's not the end of the world (I know if feels like it) and you can still land on top before all is said and done.

Know this, your W is getting in WAY over her head and doesn't realize it yet. Life without you/with the OM will not be anything like she imagines (affairs are fantasies) and statistically she is setting herself up for failure. These kinds of relationship pretty much NEVER work out once out in the open. Of course today that's not much help and if you tell her this (97% of affair die within 2 years) she'll just try to prove you wrong.

Time to get your ducks in a row like everyone suggests. There is a chance to R (I say its not worth it but that's your call) but it will not be for at least 3-6 months from now. Today you have to "man up" and show strength by filing for a D (probably less than half of people that file actually go through with it so don't think it's that big of a deal) and try to cut her out of your life. The goal is for you to emotionally detach as well as having her miss you. It takes at least 6 weeks of NC before the negative thoughts about the M and you start to fade and she can think more rationally.

It's not your fault and you can't compete with the fantasize of the A so DON'T. The best method to get her back one day is to run away from her now. Being the nice guy will just make her look down on you.

It's the same story over and over again. Human nature can be very predictable in these situations so if you study other people's stories you will get a glimpse into your own future. Everything everyone here is telling you is tried and true methods in dealing with affairs. The biggest problems end up fighting your own emotions which will sabotage you if you give into them. Make a plan and follow through with it even if it feels wrong. You have to think long term here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Any update here? It's been a couple of days. I hope he doesnt sweep it under the rug.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope he comes back.
So that he sees its tough love time and his best course of action is to make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.

Affairs are are fun,exciting and taboo, but once the light of day shines on it ...its a different story.

Ask her to leave the home, she may not but the statement alone tells her that you will not tolorate her behavior and you are confident enough to move on with out her.

Ya, I know its tough but perception is everything and as soon as she is hit with the reality of it all the better, so start with the hard ball...no begging for the marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I hope he does too, but his last couple of posts weren't looking good. She's unrepentant and unremorseful, rubbing it in his face and telling him he can D if he doesn't like it. And he's scared of losing his marriage and family. I hope she didn't bully him into sweeping it under the rug.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

L-
Ya been there done that, but its just a matter of time. In my case years, but it all comes to a head and its sites like this that give the newbie the perspective I didn't have years ago.

Man I wish I had guys like you and RWB, and Alpha to get me through my 1st marry go round.... so many years ago.

Instead I got "bullied" labeled controling, name it. I can say I have been around the block!


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Thanks everyone who took the time to answer my thread, I did not forget you guys or run. Family from both sides came over for thanksgiving, daughter who is away from college came home as well and brought a girl friend, everyone was in town and I was the one pretty much doing everything, wife didn't give a damm, Thanksgiving meal was basically done by me, daughter, her friend and my MIL, wife didn't even came into the kitchen, she spent all the time on her phone or texting and claiming she wasn't feeling well, I kept my cool, this is probably the last holiday everyone had together as a family and I wanted to give that to my daughter and extended family. I tried to approach the issue tonight after everyone was gone and wife's reaction is that I am forcing her to make a choice and she needs time. I will start following everyone's advice first thing tomorrow morning.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, biut you missed the opportunity to expose her. Instead you played it safe and comfortable and helped cover for her cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

expose the affair to family and friends.She dont have any respect for u and family.She is selfish.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

crushedbyit said:


> I tried to approach the issue tonight after everyone was gone and wife's reaction is that I am forcing her to make a choice and she needs time.


Then she has already made her choice, she is trying to find a way to let you down easy. Limbo benefits them but hurts you.

Don't wait for her to make a choice, you make the choice for her and take control back. Stop catering to her.

Until she is begging for you to work on the marriage, the choice is divorce. That's the ONLY way a true reconciliation will ever work. If she is not willing to move heaven and earth to be with you then you are setting yourself up for failure. I should know, I went through 2 false R's and it was because I was the nice guy.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry you had to go through this man. It's never a good time to have your heart ripped out and stomped on, but the holidays are especially worse.

Please expose this. She will re-invent history to all that will listen to demonize you in hopes of validating her affair. Don't let her. She declared war on your manhood and character. Preserve it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Then she has already made her choice, she is trying to find a way to let you down easy. Limbo benefits them but hurts you.
> 
> Don't wait for her to make a choice, you make the choice for her and take control back. Stop catering to her.
> 
> Until she is begging for you to work on the marriage, the choice is divorce. That's the ONLY way a true reconciliation will ever work. If she is not willing to move heaven and earth to be with you then you are setting yourself up for failure. I should know, I went through 2 false R's and it was because I was the nice guy.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Listen to this man, for he knows what he is talking about.

I also filed for divorce and my then-wife was bawling her eyes out on her hands and knees begging me not to divorce her.

A benefit of the tough love approach is that it forces both you, the betrayed and she, the betrayer, to come out of your own fogs and deal with reality, not wishful thinking. You will either reconcile or divorce, no in betweens.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

False R is the most painful thing you can go through. It is Dday all over again and will kill stone dead any love you have for her. 
She is sitting on the fence because she believes your love is unconditional. It isn't . It never was and never will be. She needs to be very , very clear about this.

In my case false R was attempted on <cough> numerous occasions . She has tried it a few more times since I stopped writing about it as well. It has little effect on me now because there is nothing left to damage. 

Listen to ArmyofJuan it is very hard won advice.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

So I started putting in practice some of the advice I got here. I do have an issue that I'm not sure anyone here can help me but I would like if nothing else to vent, like I mentioned we have a 18 year old daughter, beautiful, compassionate, caring, sensitive, intelligent, attends a ivy league college, she is my baby girl and my life, we have a very strong bond and connection, the thing is she is not my biological daughter, my wife had an affair back then, I forgave her and raised our daughter, she is my daughter and I love her, my daughter is not aware of any of this, my wife is now with threats that she will tell this to my daughter if I don't give her time to make a decision and put back in place our joint account (my wife has a job btw). As you all can imagine I am devastated and at loss with this, I do not want by any means my daughter to find out about this I really don't, my daughter will be beyond devastated and I do not want her to know that she has not my blood, this is worst than my wife's affair, I just don't know how can I handle this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look her in the eye and call her bluff. Ask her if she really wants to hurt your daughter that much? Does she have that much hate in her?

BTW - since she won't quit the affair, why is she still around you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and the time to make a decision - means 100% that she already has made the decision - it's to be with the OM. There must be something she is trying to take with her - money perhaps? - that is keeping her around making you think you have a chance.

The fact she's threatening to hurt your daughter shows she's lost any love or caring for her family. Which reveals her true feelings - she's not on the fence, she's just waiting to pull something out with her.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Does your daughter know her mother is a tramp? 

Call her bluff. Your daughter will understand if she does tell her. She will understand that you are her dad, biological or not. 

You should probably just tell your daughter yourself. Tell her what her mother has been doing. Tell her that her mother is black mailing you. Tell her how much you love her and that she is your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What a vile and despicable creature your so called wife is to even issue such a threat. I would seriously question your sanity as to why you would even contemplate trying to reconcile with this woman who has no conscience, she is without a doubt a monster. She doesn't deserve to have a husband and a daughter, she deserves to be struck dead.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Call her bluff. Tell her you will tell your daughter yourself that mommy had an affair back in the day and you aren't her bio dad. She deserves to know the truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

It may be painful in the short term, but your daughter deserves the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

crushedbyit said:


> So I started putting in practice some of the advice I got here. I do have an issue that I'm not sure anyone here can help me but I would like if nothing else to vent, like I mentioned we have a 18 year old daughter, beautiful, compassionate, caring, sensitive, intelligent, attends a ivy league college, she is my baby girl and my life, we have a very strong bond and connection, the thing is she is not my biological daughter, my wife had an affair back then, I forgave her and raised our daughter, she is my daughter and I love her, my daughter is not aware of any of this, my wife is now with threats that she will tell this to my daughter if I don't give her time to make a decision and put back in place our joint account (my wife has a job btw). As you all can imagine I am devastated and at loss with this, I do not want by any means my daughter to find out about this I really don't, my daughter will be beyond devastated and I do not want her to know that she has not my blood, this is worst than my wife's affair, I just don't know how can I handle this.


Do you have proof you are not the father?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

At this point, what have you got to lose? If I were you, I would ask your daughter to come home immediately and tell her the whole story. She is a big girl now. And, if she is indeed as smart and mature as you describe her, she will understand the situation and side with you. I am sure of it.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

Yes I know for sure I'm not the biological father. I know my wife, she is very serious about telling my daughter, her position is that both my daughter and OM's kids will "get over" all this. I do not feel prepared or want tell my daughter, I not sure what I will do but I do not want my daughter to know about it. I do appreciate the time you all take to respond.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your daughter will find out someday. It would be best if you tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Then, what other options are you contemplating? She has already set her mind up to D you. She even has the audacity to tell your daughter you are not her bio father, despite the fact she cheated and has this OC. She has no shame. 

A nice guy finishes the last may apply to you? Please show some anger for this situation.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Is there any inlaws and friends that you can expose this to? Let them know what she is threatening you with. They will be aghast hearing it.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

crushedbyit said:


> Yes I know for sure I'm not the biological father. I know my wife, she is very serious about telling my daughter, her position is that both my daughter and OM's kids will "get over" all this. I do not feel prepared or want tell my daughter, I not sure what I will do but I do not want my daughter to know about it. I do appreciate the time you all take to respond.


When are you going to stop letting this piss poor excuse for a human run your life. As was mentioned earlier she is a despicable human being. There is no way any of this is not coming out to your daughter at this point. Be her father and let her know what has transpired and that your so called wife is using her as a pawn to manipulate this whole situation that she has created. 

Stand up for yourself once in this relationship. This woman you call a wife is not worth fighting for. Your daughter is and I am more inclined to believe she will respect you more after you let her know the truth and set things in motion to take control of your life!


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

no one knows she is not my biological daughter but my wife and I and of course the piece of **** she had the affair with but last time I checked he is in jail serving a long sentence and doubt will ever be release.


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## crushedbyit (Nov 22, 2011)

if she wants a divorce she will get it, my daughter is more important, I think she does want to get a D but wants it in her terms.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sit down and talk to your daughter. Tell her the whole truth about how her mother cheated on you with a convicted felon serving a long sentence in prison. How you forgave her mother even after you found out she got pregnant by the POSOM. Let her know that you love her just as though she was biologically yours and that will never change. Explain to her how her mother is once again having an affair but with a ex-BF from before you met her who is married with a family. And let her know that the only reason you brought the truth about her birth is because her mother was blackmailing you to tell her if he didn't put her back in the joint bank account and to end the marriage on her terms.

If you and your daughter are close, this will hopefully bring the two of you closer. Hopefully she will see the kind of human being you are compared with the vile creature calling herself her mother.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your daughter will respect you more if she finds out that you are not the father. That is an extraordinary thing to do. Don't you realize it? She will love you no matter what. Many adopted children pledge their allegiance to their adopted parents over their biological parents(unless they are abused) and they are very grateful for it.

But seriously, how were you living in this marriage?
Are you a masochist?



> my wife had an affair back then, I forgave her


You set a pattern there. How did you expect it to change? She should be grateful that you even with her. She is blackmailing you with the information that should embarrass and humiliate her? I think you are better off without her. Your passiveness is frustrating. She cheated and you are that is working/being blackmailed on it?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Sit down and talk to your daughter. Tell her the whole truth about how her mother cheated on you with a convicted felon serving a long sentence in prison. How you forgave her mother even after you found out she got pregnant by the POSOM. Let her know that you love her just as though she was biologically yours and that will never change. Explain to her how her mother is once again having an affair but with a ex-BF from before you met her who is married with a family. And let her know that the only reason you brought the truth about her birth is because her mother was blackmailing you to tell her if he didn't put her back in the joint bank account and to end the marriage on her terms.
> 
> If you and your daughter are close, this will hopefully bring the two of you closer. Hopefully she will see the kind of human being you are compared with the vile creature calling herself her mother.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

How dare this woman try to blackmail crushedbyit about something she did and use his love for his daughter against him. Truly despicable.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Tell your daughter the truth. It seems that her bio father being in jail may be what you are afraid that she finds out. I am sure it would suck big time when she finds out, but she has you as the "true" father figure. She will get over it. 

Tell her !!!


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

how can u stay with such kind of woman.kick her out of your home and let your daughter decide with whome she wants to live and not your wife.
your wife is backmailing u and u really need to man up.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

*crushedbyit* I am adopted and I figured it out when I was 16 years old,but I never told my parents that I know because I waited for them to be ready to tell me...One day my mother and the wife of my mothers brother had a strife and she threatened and blackmailed my mother that she will tell me the truth and that was the day when my mother told me that I was adopted (I was 19 years old)...I was happy when she told me because noone can threaten or blackmail her for this anymore...

You know,my parents are not my bio parents but I never look at it like that because the only thing that I know is that they raised me,loved me,still love me and I love them...This is the only thing that matters...

*It's not important who your bio dad or mom is,it matters who raised you,loved you and who is allways there for you...That are your real parents...*

And believe me your daughter will allways be your daughter no matter what and you should confess to her all this and it will be a huge relief for both of you and you should confess to her all about your wife and the blackmailing you, and the most important thing is that you say to your daughter that you love her no matter what and that you will allways love her...

And one more thing...this blackmailing from your wife is worst then her cheating...this shows that she never loved you because no matter how huge her fog is she should never threaten you this way and it also shows that she doesnt love your daughter like a real mother because no OM or OW is more important than your child...this only shows that you are a better parent to your daughter than your WW ever was...and after this blackmailing I hope that you are smart and that if she one day comes out of the fog that you never reconcile with her...I myself could never forgive the blackmailing for such a huge thing like your daughter...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This could be my story!
You should tell your daughter. You need to be very careful how and what you say though.

Plan it. I was given some advice here which was to take the 15 year view. 
In other words what would you want her to know in 15 years when you are forced to attend your daughters wedding and your ex wife is there.

You should give your wife the chance to explain her behavior to her daughter first because then in 15 years she will have the very small comfort that she told the truth to her daughter.

The fact that you have forgiven once in a very big way she will be expecting a free pass this time too. 

you MUST dump consequences on your wife fast. be very clear that you are no longer an option. 
She has TWO options.

1. She stops the affair and agrees to transparency. 
You will then talk to her. 
NO guarantee of continuing the marriage. Only that you will talk. 
You will probably still Divorce her.

2. She leaves. 
You will cease to support her in any way. 
You will cease to be her friend.
You will not cover for her in any way.
You will Divorce her. 

ABSOLUTELY NO. FRIENDSHIP. She is not acting like a friend.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

There is one important thing you need to know. Your daughter is now an adult. For medical reasons she needs to know you are not her biological father, this basic information may be needed in the future. Sit her down and let her know about her mother. She will most likely stand by your side after hearing the story. Better yet, have all three of you there when you tell it but do not allow your wife to interfere.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bugz Bunny said:


> *crushedbyit* I am adopted and I figured it out when I was 16 years old,but I never told my parents that I know because I waited for them to be ready to tell me...One day my mother and the wife of my mothers brother had a strife and she threatened and blackmailed my mother that she will tell me the truth and that was the day when my mother told me that I was adopted (I was 19 years old)...I was happy when she told me because noone can threaten or blackmail her for this anymore...
> 
> You know,my parents are not my bio parents but I never look at it like that because the only thing that I know is that they raised me,loved me,still love me and I love them...This is the only thing that matters...
> 
> ...


Word :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: She is old enough. In truth I would wager your daughter would love you even more, knowing how committed you are to her. Like Dennis Prager says. Outside of the operating room, blood has nothing.....NOTHING to do with the love of a parent for a child. While there are exceptions to this generality as with all generalities, when she closes her eyes and thinks of dad, its your image she is seeing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Given what her mom is doing and the hateful ways she is treating you, I woud expect your daughter to actually get closer to you and to hate her mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Besides all the other really good reasons that have been given for telling your daughter the truth, it's important you consider how you want her to hear about this for the first time, and be cognizant of how that will forever frame how she views this.
In other words, do you want your daughter to first hear your version of events, or the version your wife is going to give her. Because given your wife's previous/current behavior, I'm not sure you can trust that your daughter will hear the truth, or at least the whole truth.

In the media world, we call this getting out front of the story. If bad news is inevitable - and that seems to be the case here - then take control, get out in front of it and frame it to your benefit. Don't let someone else dictate the terms of this. Because a first impression sticks, and is very difficult to change.


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