# wife wont have sex w/me



## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

Need some help, folks. Been together for 8 years and as you may have guessed, we don't have sex. For the first three years we were like rabbits then our son was born. Since then, she has NO interest in anything remotely sexual. We have sex maybe 3-5 Times a year. She gets pissed when I get upset over it and claims she doesn't know why she has no desire. She's also stated that she's no longer able to "get off". I love her but this has led me to resent her. She knows I'm upset and yet, makes no attempt to alleviate my suffering. She still maintains she loves me. Any help would be appreciated.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Is she on hormonal contraception or taking other medication? 
My libido practically vanishes on birth control pills and reaching orgasm is not impossible but is very difficult. 


Women can have interesting changes after going through pregnancy and delivery. My first pregnancy resulted in a new cat allergy. I'm hoping that's not the case with your wife and this situation.


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## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

Birth control, yes. One more thing, a couple years after giving birth she complained of vaginal pain during sex and went to a couple of Dr' s who couldn't find any physical reasons for the pain. They suspected it to be something mental. She hasn't complained of iit for quite some time, but then again, we don't have sex. I'm dying here...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I think you're screwed, and not in a good way. But the first thing is to do some reading. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" are good starting points. Work on yourself to make yourself as attractive as possible.

Second... Is there a chance your wife is depressed or suffering emotionally? How's her health? Do you two date at all, without kids? Does it seem like she respects you in other areas of your marriage?

C


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## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

She has been depressed but only in the last year (death in her family). We don't date...she doesn't seem at all interested in that. Other than that, her health is fine.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look into the books I mentioned, and see if there's some of you in there... And what about her respecting you?

C


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I would for sure recommend going to see a marriage counselor, one with good reviews to back them up. I would also ask her to read His Needs Her Needs, and you read it as well, and work on fulfilling each other's needs.


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## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

I don't think she really respects me. I don't KNOW that, just a vibe I get. I definitely check out the books both of you mentioned. I'm DESPERATE for help.


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## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

So...robot sex. Anyone working on that?? Lol


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Those books can help you earn back her respect. Why do you think she wouldn't respect you? How about taking care of yourself? If you were single, do you think you'd be a hot dating commodity?

C


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## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

The both of us are in our late 30s and have put on a few lbs but certainly not overweight. She's put on more than I.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You described a roommate situation. Drag her to a therapist, another doctor,etc if you have to. She is not honoring her marriage vows.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you guys done any MC?

C


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Like I said...marriage counseling...you may think it's for people who are on the brink of divorce but it's not at all, it's VERY helpful


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## coffee06 (Jul 12, 2014)

We've not been to counseling and frankly, I fear she might be offended at the suggestion. "Roommate situation" is exactly how it feels.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

coffee06 said:


> We've not been to counseling and frankly, I fear she might be offended at the suggestion. "Roommate situation" is exactly how it feels.


No offence, but "offending" her is the least of your worries right now. She'll be somewhat more than offended when you tell her you want a divorce. 

C


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

As a general rule, do you avoid upsetting your wife?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why should she change? She's getting whatever she wants out of the marriage (and it's probably green, folds, and fits in a wallet). Whether you are content or miserable doesn't even appear on her radar screen. She doesn't know how to get off and she apparently doesn't know how to get out, either. If it was a choice between rediscovering her vagina or being homeless, her knickers would be flying off. The appearance of a baby meant you were on the financial hook for at least 18 years and that was about the time she misplaced her vagina. She no longer needed it. Once the trap has snapped shut, there's no need to put more cheese on it.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Once the trap has snapped shut, there's no need to put more cheese on it.


ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww . . :rofl:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> No offence, but "offending" her is the least of your worries right now. She'll be somewhat more than offended when you tell her you want a divorce.
> 
> C


that is exactly what I thought! :rofl:

Serve her divorce papers and she will then at least have something to be offended at. At the least, tell her they are coming if you don't start getting laid regularly


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

After having two children, I've noticed I don't enjoy intercourse as much as I use to. That being said, I wouldn't think it'd be fair to my husband if I just decided to give up on it. Marriage counseling is probably your best bet, and if she gets offended, she'll just have to get over it. It shouldn't be her way or no way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She's betraying her marriage vows by withholding sex from you. I often marvel at the arrogance of some wives and husbands, who put the kibosh on a vital part of marriage with absolutely no concern for their spouse. Wow....

I'm not saying you're meeting all her needs either...but if there is a problem she needs to freakin' tell you so you can fix it! Then you can work on the sex issue.

To just put a complete stop to all sex in marriage is selfish and cruel.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Why should she change? She's getting whatever she wants out of the marriage (and it's probably green, folds, and fits in a wallet). Whether you are content or miserable doesn't even appear on her radar screen. She doesn't know how to get off and she apparently doesn't know how to get out, either. If it was a choice between rediscovering her vagina or being homeless, her knickers would be flying off. The appearance of a baby meant you were on the financial hook for at least 18 years and that was about the time she misplaced her vagina. She no longer needed it. Once the trap has snapped shut, there's no need to put more cheese on it.


Why would you assume that? Because she hasn't asked for a divorce? Everything he's described indicates an unhappy wife that doesn't think that highly of him, so perhaps she's not getting what she needs out of the marriage. Men tend to develop tunnel vision where the sex life is concerned but I'd suspect it's a symptom of greater problems. "Honoring her vows" and spreading 'em isn't going to solve their issues, it'll just let him pretend all is well.

MC as well as a trip to the doctor for her is a must here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is the thing. 
You found out your wife will only have sex if she can give herself a reason. Reason 1 was to get you to marry her. Reason 2 was to have a baby. She got whatever she needed from sex. Now she has reverted to "Sex is wrong" which she was taught for her whole life. You have to give her reason 3. And reason 3 is that you as a man will have a sexual marriage with her or without her.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Coffee - in the same boat here though we never bonked like rabbits. the only time my wife ever initiated was when we were trying for our first (4 years after marriage). Otherwise I was rejected often. Once we had two children she clammed up.
We went to MC but when the importance of sex in marriage came up she stopped going.

In the end I simply gave up trying. I have lost ALL interest in her.

You - if your wife accepts there is a problem that is a good start...if she then wants to do something about it even better. Go with her...support her, help her etc.

However, if she denies there is a problem or says that it is YOu with the problem etc then please think about your future.

You will become resentful towards her...possibly start hating her.

I often look across the dinner table at my wife and some pretty nasty and insulting thoughts go through my mind... don't let it get to that stage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why would you assume that? Because she hasn't asked for a divorce? Everything he's described indicates an unhappy wife that doesn't think that highly of him, so perhaps she's not getting what she needs out of the marriage. Men tend to develop tunnel vision where the sex life is concerned but I'd suspect it's a symptom of greater problems. "Honoring her vows" and spreading 'em isn't going to solve their issues, it'll just let him pretend all is well.
> 
> MC as well as a trip to the doctor for her is a must here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


None of us has to "ask" for a divorce. If there is a ring on our finger it's because we made a choice to keep it there. His wife (and all other husbands and wives) could dial up an attorney and initiate divorce proceedings. If she can communicate with a lawyer and a judge, she can get a divorce. She prefers marriage with him to being single. You know this because she has the ability to divorce him but she doesn't. "Spreading them" may not fix all her problems but it'd be more likely to result in a long, successful marriage than withholding sex. It'd also be more consistent with behavior expected of a wife (which is what she purports herself to be). At present, she is neither single or a wife. We might call her an exploiter. Only in her own mind would that role be more honorable than the other two possibilities (single or wife).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, you are getting some great advice here. I hope you are reading it all.


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

Hi there, 

Sorry to hear of your struggle.Check out this interesting Ted Talks:
Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship - YouTube. It will help you to think differently about your situation. I would also recommend the book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships Paperback – April 27, 2009
by David Schnarch (Author)


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> None of us has to "ask" for a divorce. If there is a ring on our finger it's because we made a choice to keep it there. His wife (and all other husbands and wives) could dial up an attorney and initiate divorce proceedings. If she can communicate with a lawyer and a judge, she can get a divorce. She prefers marriage with him to being single. You know this because she has the ability to divorce him but she doesn't. "Spreading them" may not fix all her problems but it'd be more likely to result in a long, successful marriage than withholding sex. It'd also be more consistent with behavior expected of a wife (which is what she purports herself to be). At present, she is neither single or a wife. We might call her an exploiter. Only in her own mind would that role be more honorable than the other two possibilities (single or wife).


unbelievable is right on this I think.

her unwillingness bespeaks of her selfishness. Just because you don't feel like it is not an excuse.

'lifeistooshort' is probably right, there are other issues which need to be addressed, but sex should NOT stop pending the dealing with these other issues.

One other thing that bothers me is this notion that 'she doesn't respect him, he needs to earn her respect back'. I detest this cultural thinking even if there is some truth to it. Unless he is some jerk and lowlife (and it doesn't sound like he is), then she SHOULD respect him. If he is the father of her kids, makes a decent living, contributes to the household, and tries to love her the best way he can, then for my dollar, he should be respected and baloney to the idea that he need to change and earn her respect.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She respected him enough to marry him and create at least one child with him. He is respectable enough to stay married to. His earnings are acceptable enough. If you are going to linger around and feast at the marriage trough, then be a spouse. If you can't find it in yourself to be what you purport to be then do what is required to fix things or get out. Lingering out like a parasite, sucking the life out of another human being while is not an option. The OP might not be her dream man but there are millions of women who would think he was. This man didn't become her personal slave for life because he impregnated her.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> One other thing that bothers me is this notion that 'she doesn't respect him, he needs to earn her respect back'. I detest this cultural thinking even if there is some truth to it. Unless he is some jerk and lowlife (and it doesn't sound like he is), then she SHOULD respect him. If he is the father of her kids, makes a decent living, contributes to the household, and tries to love her the best way he can, then for my dollar, he should be respected and baloney to the idea that he need to change and earn her respect.


I see the idea of respect for a husband discussed often, too, and there seems to be no consensus on how people are using it. 

I've always respected my husband as a person; just not always as a sexual partner. The former is under my control (given that he doesn't suddenly become a jerk or a lowlife), the latter I do need him to help with when my attraction for him starts to tank. 

My husband was relieved when I uncovered the connection between my loss of desire and some characteristics of our dynamic. He was MORE than willing to work with me on making some changes. 

I will say this, however: I didn't ask him to start working on himself until after I cleaned up my side of the street on meeting his needs. Works wonders, that.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Askari is spot on - we never have sex (it's too much work in her mind, etc), and IMO this has exacerbated other things that I find positively irritating about her (immaturity, some nagging although this has gotten somewhat better, laziness). I find myself muttering unkind things under my breath about her, and look forward to her being away this weekend visiting friends out of state. This is not how a marriage should be. 

As GettingIt says, work on yourself first - we all have things that we can clean up in our personal lives (Lord knows I have many things that can be improved). Makes it easier to help her fix her end of the bargain (and if she's not willing to do so, then you have all that you need to know).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> None of us has to "ask" for a divorce. If there is a ring on our finger it's because we made a choice to keep it there. His wife (and all other husbands and wives) could dial up an attorney and initiate divorce proceedings. If she can communicate with a lawyer and a judge, she can get a divorce. She prefers marriage with him to being single. You know this because she has the ability to divorce him but she doesn't. "Spreading them" may not fix all her problems but it'd be more likely to result in a long, successful marriage than withholding sex. It'd also be more consistent with behavior expected of a wife (which is what she purports herself to be). At present, she is neither single or a wife. We might call her an exploiter. Only in her own mind would that role be more honorable than the other two possibilities (single or wife).


Oh I agree that a marriage should be sexual (unless both are asexual). But if she simply had sex more often he'd be here complaining about duty sex. And it would only foster resentment as she gave up sex she didn't want and he got duty sex he didn't want. Unless he's the type that wouldn't care, but most men do care.

And he's chosen to stay married to her as well, even though he's not having sex. That's why a MC is in order here, to try to find out what's going on and if anything can be done about it. Her putting out enough to shut him up will create more problems, because in the end we all want a loving spouse that enjoys being with us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

In the first page OP said that his wife is having vaginal pain since giving birth, plus being on the pills and deppression in the las year. This is of course not to say "forget your own needs" as your needs are important too, but perhaps you might want to help your wife check all these as they seem to be very issues causing the lack of sex.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

being in a sexless marriage doesnt get better
you dont get used to it
the issues doesnt lessen

it gets worse...the resentment, the distance between you...your kid is going to grow up thinking roomates is a marriage

tell her she either puts in 100% effort to fixing the problem or you are filing for divorce...the lack of sex is bad enough, but her unwillingness to try and fix it is 10x worse...

i was in a sexless marriage...I will NEVER do it again...the only real way to avoid a sexless marriage im afraid is to NOT get married as the odds are against you


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Oh I agree that a marriage should be sexual (unless both are asexual). But if she simply had sex more often he'd be here complaining about duty sex. And it would only foster resentment as she gave up sex she didn't want and he got duty sex he didn't want. Unless he's the type that wouldn't care, but most men do care.
> 
> And he's chosen to stay married to her as well, even though he's not having sex. That's why a MC is in order here, to try to find out what's going on and if anything can be done about it. Her putting out enough to shut him up will create more problems, because in the end we all want a loving spouse that enjoys being with us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will disagree with your premise. Humans have to justify to themselves everything they do. If she engaged in regular sex with her husband, she might initially feel like it was "duty" sex, but she would eventually convince herself that it was right and pleasurable to do so. It would become an important part of who she is. She developed the habit of pushing him away and she convinced herself that it was right to do so. She could just as easily develop the habit of being sexual with him. Every time she pushes him away she reinforces in her mind that he is not desirable, not worthy, etc, etc. Whether we are in heaven or hell depends on how we choose to think about our situation. People who exercise regularly found it painful and unpleasant at first but soon the habit became a big part of their life and they now find it unpleasant to not run or work out.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

If she doesn't respect you, then she probably isnt into you anymore.

Time to shake things up, make her feel unsecure in your actions. She will come after you.

Buy a motocycle, go to bars, start playing poker with the guys. Get out there and do guy stuff, she may nag and complain about it. But that is the point and then you do it anyways. You wear the pants not her.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A couple of things.

First, never phrase it as "sex", because that's not what you are looking for. If she lay there and allowed you to put your penis in her vagina, copulate and then walked away, would you be happy with that? Probably not. You want a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with your wife. Don't be afraid to say it, don't be embarrassed to want it.

Second, this site may help explain why you want a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with her:

Understanding His Sexuality - Focus on the Family

And yes, I know Focus on the Family is very religious-centered but read and understand. Have HER read it and try to understand.

Finally, push for counseling. If she doesn't want to go, go alone and let her know you are going. Let her know you are going to learn (a) how to live in a sexless marriage, (b) how to change it to a "fulfilling, intimate sexual" marriage or (c) how to gather the strength to move on without her.


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