# Soon you may be replaced by a pet



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Here's what happens when the LD partner in a relationship decides to give the other a taste of their own medicine. You get replaced by a dog or a cat. In this case it took about 4 months of me deciding I'm done begging for intimacy. I decided thus it, I'm tired of initiating and this took a stance to do exactly what he does every night - that is ignore the other party. She had become accustomed to me expressing interest on a regular basis. You'd think that after some time they would maybe, just maybe mister the courage to show some need for affection, but no, instead, get a dog and hug that smelly ball of fur at night. What a disaster. Moral of the story, those with affection issues would rather the company of an animal than that of their partner - even if the partner does not like dogs - guess what - you've been replaced!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't know your sitch but the title of this one really grabbed me and pretty much said "everything". I can't speak to the issue you are having because I assume it is very involved, but I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it causes you so much pain.

The thing that I see bleeding through every sexless marriage post is pain. And it just sucks that there's not really answers for it. It is heartbreaking to hear so many people who love their spouse and desire them deeply, feeling despair and pain for years and even decades.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I disagree FW - I came here and followed the standard advice (for men). It worked for me. I think women with LD men are in a far tougher situation if they stay. The flip side is that fewer men are LD, so women are unlikely to end up right back in the same situation if they leave.

Here is the advice I was offered and followed:

You're here and your spouse isn't. Your the only person you can change. So change yourself. Get into shape. Get confidence that you're going to be OK, with or without her. Stop begging, whining and being a wimp. Learn what your wife _really_ wants from marriage. Learn her love languages. Figure out if you can give that to her. Do it. Do all of it for a while. Make your marriage solid outside of sex, one that is worth saving. Then is the big step. Make it clear that the status quo is unacceptable to you. Give her the chance to fix things, and if that doesn't work, follow through and leave.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

A wife having a pet she can snuggle up to is just like a woman having a gay male friend - they pose no sexual 'threat'.

If your wife cuddles the dog the dog isn't going to see it as a 'come on' get a boner and want sex.

If you wife cuddles up to you and strokes your neck you WILL (hey! you're normal) get a boner and want sex.

A dog, a gay male friend are 'safe'.
(until the dog starts shagging her leg!!! Hahahahahaha!)


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Larry, I don't actually know your story, can you recap? Why was she LD then and HD now? Was it purely in response to your changes to yourself? Did she have no sex drive while LD or just not for you? Was there a sexual pulse between you at all, even in the midst of your sexlessness?

I had to make the assumption that the OP's case likely includes no sexual pulse at all and a very LD wife that isn't going to change...in a case like that, there really isn't that much hope.

In a case like GettingIts or Anon Pink's, we see highly sexual women who were sexually stifled for non-physical various reasons, who decided to light the sexual spark for their H for their own reasons (very good reasons). This is a much different scenario than if either of them were truly LD. A truly LD person simply has no spark to light.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I disagree FW - I came here and followed the standard advice (for men). It worked for me. I think women with LD men are in a far tougher situation if they stay. The flip side is that fewer men are LD, so women are unlikely to end up right back in the same situation if they leave.
> 
> Here is the advice I was offered and followed:
> 
> You're here and your spouse isn't. Your the only person you can change. So change yourself. Get into shape. Get confidence that you're going to be OK, with or without her. Stop begging, whining and being a wimp. Learn what your wife _really_ wants from marriage. Learn her love languages. Figure out if you can give that to her. Do it. Do all of it for a while. Make your marriage solid outside of sex, one that is worth saving. Then is the big step. Make it clear that the status quo is unacceptable to you. Give her the chance to fix things, and if that doesn't work, follow through and leave.


If I may be a little brutal, this is not a LD woman, but a woman with an unattractive husband. I was in situation where my wife enjoyed sex very much - every month or two. She displayed no interest in other men and was with a husband who got plenty of attention from women and whom she actually looked up to in many ways. 

However, having sex every single week was, for a her, a crazy period of her life that had never happened with any other guy for such a prolonged period of time. Clearly, it was time to calm down. When her libido dipped, it was then for half a year. There was not other man, she did not even accept that sex was really not frequent as it was frequent by her standards. Clearly, she just had to go along with my crazy ideas until we were married.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

This one made me laugh. In the past six months our dog has showed more interest in getting it on with me than my husband has. The dog is always coming up and sniffing my ass and I have to be careful that the sheet doesn't slip off me at night (I sleep naked) as the dog seems to show a little too much interest. That said, although I'm seeing the funny side, there's is something terribly tragic about this. I didn't want the dog in the first place and I now share my bedroom with a man who is not interested and a dog who is.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

OP- I've just skimmed a couple of your other posts.
Do you only show affection when you are initiating sex? You mention that you stopped initiating and now just ignore her but won't that just make it clear to her that you only bother to do any touching or affection if you're trying to get sex? 
Maybe I need to read your other posts to get a better picture but as a woman, that's how I would feel.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have a bunch of dogs. Wife resents each of them but if I suggest we give them away she objects to that too. I think some people just want to make you as miserable as they are.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd leave a chronic LD relationship. If I were replaced by a pet, she could be replaced by a Penthouse Pet - or the closest facsimile thereof I can find!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cheat on her with the dog?


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

To slowlygoingcrazy, no I show mostly affection for the sake of affection like giving back rubs, I roll over and out my hand on her back at night about 20 to 1 affect to sex. Once I mentioned it would be nice of every once mins while she would do te same - something like just putting her rad or hand on my chest - that comment resulted in a wild for of onsanoty with claims of 'oh my, you are so needy'. She flat out refused. My take - a totally nutcase who has affection issues. The dog all makes sense now


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh Kendall, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I remember you other threads but don't remember how old you guys are? Mid to late 30's early 40's? The reason I ask is that if you guys are late 30's early 40's and she has shown zero amenability to change, to looking at how her behavior affects you and subsequently the marriage and subsequently her happiness with the marriage, it is highly unlikely to ever be any different. 

Larry has an excellent point though. Working on yourself is hard and takes time but once you become a better you, and you have to want this for yourself not to make some covert contract to get her to change your marriage will change.

At this point in my life, I don't think I'd ever tolerate a crappy sex life, ever! Everything else could be the best ever but without a kicking sex life it would be meaningless. I say this because I feel like men hesitate to pull the trigger over a lousy sex life while women are more likely to pull the trigger due to that. Of course I could be way off base because this is just from reading TAM. 

Anyway, I wonder why that is? Why are men so hesitant to put their foot down about a lousy sex life? It's one of their most important needs and they're supposed to just ignore it in order to think themselves honorable men? I don't think that's honor, I think it's repression and I don't think repression is ever a good thing.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anon I totally agree with you that none of us should have to tolerate a crappy sex life.

The thing is, is that many of us in a sexless marriage are 'established', ie good job, nice home and above all have children that mean the world to us. To divorce simply over a lack of sex and lose 'all of the above' is simply too high a price to pay.

When the 'price' comes down and the children have left (work or university etc), are not involved in any custody 'battles' etc then leaving becomes so much easier, both emotionally and financially.

If my children had flown the nest then I would have been gone too because I don't want a crappy sex life, I want an active and loving sex life with someone who loves me and wants to have sex with me as much as I do her.

For now though, I am biding my time...as I think many of us are.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

askari said:


> A wife having a pet she can snuggle up to is just like a woman having a gay male friend - they pose no sexual 'threat'.
> .


yeah, what about that wife with a gay hairdresser "friend" that was caught giving him a blowjob?

he he

as far as the pet, i think pretty soon you might get replaced by a sex robot.


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I think it's official, I've been decommissioned fom family member to just the engine that makes this place run. Dog has claimed my side of the bed and if I even come close to my sleeping wife it actually charges and attacts me. Well at least he's being fed and kids being fed. I did manage to find a half eaten bowl of pasta from my kids and ate that for dinner - was a bit too tired to make my own tonight. This is actually kind of unbelievable


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Maybe I was a womanizer in a past life and being punished now...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The dog owns you, and your W owns the dog. You need to show your dominance. If you are the engine you say you are, that means you have all the power.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> I think it's official, I've been decommissioned fom family member to just the engine that makes this place run. Dog has claimed my side of the bed and if I even come close to my sleeping wife it actually charges and attacts me. Well at least he's being fed and kids being fed. I did manage to find a half eaten bowl of pasta from my kids and ate that for dinner - was a bit too tired to make my own tonight. This is actually kind of unbelievable


I used to train dogs. Have a hard and fast rule. No dogs on the bed for sleeping, EVER! Depending on the breed, allowing the dog on the bed creates a sense of ownership which could morph into resource guarding. In other words the dog senses his place in the pack order being above you since he got to be next the the wife at her invitation. You get into bed and the dog, already given to territorial resource guarding lets you know HE is beta next to her alpha. This is where you go alpha on the dog and knock him off the bed! Not violent, but you look him in the eye, growl a stern Get Off and push hi off the bed. If he growls back AT ALL, he gets locked out of the bedroom!

Kendal, do not put up with this for another day! Go directly to you wife and tell her you resent the hell out of being turned away in bed and marginalized within the running of the home. Tell her you feel like she doesn't care at all about you or meeting your needs and now with the dog you feel it even more acutely. Tell her your new rule, no dog on the bed! Tell her the affection she shows the dog is affection she doesn't show you.

Don't let this fester and grow.

Were I in your shoes, and I LOVE dogs, I'd want the dog gone until the marriage is working better.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

So you're just going to let it happen? What are you afraid of?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Even the dog knows you're not the alpha of the house.


----------



## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

KendalMintcake said:


> I think it's official, I've been decommissioned fom family member to just the engine that makes this place run. Dog has claimed my side of the bed and if I even come close to my sleeping wife it actually charges and attacts me. Well at least he's being fed and kids being fed. I did manage to find a half eaten bowl of pasta from my kids and ate that for dinner - was a bit too tired to make my own tonight. This is actually kind of unbelievable


So, what are going to do about this? It is completely unacceptable for anyone in a relationship to be treated this way. You need to let your wife know how you are feeling, in no uncertain terms. Her pattern of behavior is inexcusable. And for your part, do not allow your resentments to build any further without airing your grievances. If she doesn't listen, or doesn't care to work together with you to change things...well, I think you know where the relationship has gone...

And that dog? Follow AnonPink's advice. It needs to know who the boss is, or it will continue to push boundaries. You'll soon find yourself restricted by it to one room of the house, if you continue to allow it to do this. 
(and anyone who would has swallowed whatever color pills they've swallowed, and would like to compare the wife to the dog...women are human beings, dogs are dogs. He needs to _talk_ to his wife, while he needs to establish dominance with the dog)


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Great idea InTheory! Learning to train a dog can also teach him, maybe, about asserting his boundaries. To actively teach a dog one must pay attention and act swiftly. This means you have a specific idea of what behavior you want from the dog and more importantly, what behavior you don't want.

When you know what you want and what that looks like, you stand a much better chance of getting it.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dogs don't get trained. They just be dogs. Owners are trained. And I too think what AP is saying about asserting boundaries with dogs will help with the W. (And yes, I did just compare the W to the dog, lol, but doesn't mean she is one)


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I snuggle my dogs because my dogs never effed me over. I am not LD, but right now I'm LD for him. He still tries to get in my pants, but he ignores my words. He won't do what he needs to do. So my dogs get extra snuggles. They haven't chewed my heart out and then said, "But I love you and you're lucky I still love you." Really? Wow. So lucky.


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Don't worry posters I am not going to hurt the dog. It's a cute little pooch and was obviously abused and scared out of it's mind of me - I assume it's former owner was abusive male (poetic for her since she was abused as a child and now has a companion survivor). Personally I don't like having pets especially dog because of the smell. As some have said of I don't establish dominance I'll get worse well I'm at the bottom of the chain so it's rock bottom already. I don't really care any more - just continue to go about things - car was repo'd recently the only thing I own now is the short blissful moments of taking a dump. I just want to point this out - you hear all this dialog of how terrible it is fr women who are treated like sex objects and how awed up it is to be reduced to a piece of meat. Well I'm sure it is and for the perpetrators who treat them this way, well there's no excuse for them. Now on the other side, men who are treated as providers to the point of being nothing else but a provider, you feel reduced to not even a piece of meat, but a tool, a machine, or maybe a broom. The feeling of being reduced to something not even organic is horrible. Te only thing you can do is just sort of tune out and just robotically perform the daily routine. The only way I know to cope now is just drift along. All this talk and advice (which I do feel grateful) is just too much energy. I've none left


----------



## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

KendalMintcake said:


> Don't worry posters I am not going to hurt the dog. It's a cute little pooch and was obviously abused and scared out of it's mind of me - I assume it's former owner was abusive male (poetic for her since she was abused as a child and now has a companion survivor). Personally I don't like having pets especially dog because of the smell. As some have said of I don't establish dominance I'll get worse well I'm at the bottom of the chain so it's rock bottom already. I don't really care any more - just continue to go about things - car was repo'd recently the only thing I own now is the short blissful moments of taking a dump. I just want to point this out - you hear all this dialog of how terrible it is fr women who are treated like sex objects and how awed up it is to be reduced to a piece of meat. Well I'm sure it is and for the perpetrators who treat them this way, well there's no excuse for them. Now on the other side, men who are treated as providers to the point of being nothing else but a provider, you feel reduced to not even a piece of meat, but a tool, a machine, or maybe a broom. The feeling of being reduced to something not even organic is horrible. Te only thing you can do is just sort of tune out and just robotically perform the daily routine. The only way I know to cope now is just drift along. All this talk and advice (which I do feel grateful) is just too much energy. I've none left


Both men and women can be dehumanized in relationships, and in our society. And it really does suck. So I have empathy for you in your situation. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

It sounds like you have no desire to save the relationship. Am I right, here? If that is the case, what are you going to do from here on out? Do you really want to continue to be sapped of your life force like this? This will kill your soul. I'm not saying that you need to divorce, but you certainly cannot go on this way. It may take a bit of energy to be assertive with her and say "I've had enough. I'm nothing more than a paycheck here, and I'm being treated with utter disregard," but you will continue to be drained of more and more energy if you let things go on as they are. I think you may be pleasantly surprised at the influx of energy you will have when you are assertive. Will it save the marriage? I don't know. It's not about the outcome here. It's about psychological self-preservation. You sound more than a little depressed, and understandably so. You will sink further into it if you hold it all in.


----------



## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

Lon said:


> Dogs don't get trained. They just be dogs. Owners are trained. And I too think what AP is saying about asserting boundaries with dogs will help with the W. (And yes, I did just compare the W to the dog, lol, but doesn't mean she is one)


Naughty, naughty, Lon 

Boundaries are for humans--negotiated between two human beings. Apparently, the OP needs to renegotiate the boundaries. 

Dogs are dogs. They either learn to not crap on the floor, or else. It's not about boundaries. You certainly don't talk to a dog about how it oversteps your boundaries when it craps on the floor. "You have taken another dump on the living-room floor, and I feel that this goes against what our relationship was meant to be. How can we work together to make sure this doesn't happen again? Help me to help you." 

What I'm getting at here is that you don't train wives, nor husbands. Rather, you negotiate and discuss with a spouse. You train animals (or the owners of the animals, as you have said).


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kendal, I'm so sorry you are clearly at an all time low point right now and your wife is being excruciatingly insensitive!

Today is Sunday. Today, go do something just for you, something that makes you happy. Fvck everything else. Spend this day putting yourself first and doing what you want.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Soon you may be replaced by a pet*



HappyGilmore said:


> Both men and women can be dehumanized in relationships, and in our society. And it really does suck. So I have empathy for you in your situation. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
> 
> It sounds like you have no desire to save the relationship. Am I right, here? If that is the case, what are you going to do from here on out? Do you really want to continue to be sapped of your life force like this? This will kill your soul. I'm not saying that you need to divorce, but you certainly cannot go on this way. It may take a bit of energy to be assertive with her and say "I've had enough. I'm nothing more than a paycheck here, and I'm being treated with utter disregard," but you will continue to be drained of more and more energy if you let things go on as they are. I think you may be pleasantly surprised at the influx of energy you will have when you are assertive. Will it save the marriage? I don't know. It's not about the outcome here. It's about psychological self-preservation. You sound more than a little depressed, and understandably so. You will sink further into it if you hold it all in.


Kendal, this post by HappyGilmore is spot on.

When you wrote about being reduced like that, it sure struck a chord with me. At the end of my marriage I felt just this same way, and my ex even said outright "the only thing you are good at is providing an income and buying electronics" which really stung a lot because I felt like I was unsupported and holding onto a thread barely being able to cover the bills alone. And the point about electronics is that they were the only thing I really ever got excited about anymore and allowed me to strive for a goal, despite that over the course of our 7 year relationship I maybe averaged a hundred dollars a year on anything technology related, it was only my pure deluded hope and fantasy that eventually kept me going.

In my case I believed I was absolutely devoid of life force. However my ex chose to check out and have an exit affair, and I was fortunate that I still vested enough that when I found out it awoke my anger. It made me realize how powerful I still was.

I don't know what turning point in your life you are nearing, but when you realize a strong emotion, pursue it fiercely and realize that you still have so much more power than you think to affect the world around you. Whether your marriage is meant to last or not, I think you need to disentangle yourself from your wife's emotions. Find a therapist to help you shed the victimization you are feeling.


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> The feeling of being reduced to something not even organic is horrible. Te only thing you can do is just sort of tune out and just robotically perform the daily routine. The only way I know to cope now is just drift along. All this talk and advice (which I do feel grateful) is just too much energy. I've none left


Dude, it's beartbreaking hearing someone say this. I wish I had something more reassuring than just the plain truth: the only person who can stop this is you.

KM, you can't put a price on your happiness. Change is scary but it's the only way to get out of the status quo.

You say you have no energy but start with something small. Do something good for yourself each and every day. Make time to take a 20 minute walk. Crack a joke with a coworker over the water cooler. Do some meditation. Play a round of Call of Duty. Do _something_ each day that you enjoy that brings you happiness and self-affirmation. Whatever you do, do not let that one thing revolve around your wife's wishes. If you do this over time, eventually you will come to crave that joy in life and the energy to do more will magically appear. It may come at the expense of doing stuff for your wife. Too bad for her.

Or to paraphrase a movie quote, once you start treating yourself like you deserve better, you'll start feeling like you deserve better, and pretty soon dammit, you will start acting like you deserve better.

I understand the dynamics: if you leave the relationship, you lose the kids, lose half or more your money in a divorce, etc. By staying in this situation, you are losing so much more.

Good luck, brother.


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Thanks all you nice people for your words. I get it logically but you know how emotions kind of upstage logic. The one thing that brings me joy is my work. I love what I do. Right now I just want to focus on my projects at hand and worry about the other stuff later. Any additional drama at this poit would dera everything. As for now I can cope so long as I'm still excited for Monday (weird I know) but really that's what I got - it's a shame what I do bring home is so quickly doled out. It is what it is bit yes I have been thinking about treating myself to something nice. It doesn't help I stopped taking anti-depression meds - suddenly everything that didn't bother me is now so much more intense - and also if you're against antidepressant please don't judge - they have helped but info know that physical except size is really helpful so I definitely wanting to get back into weekly physical activity. Just so insulting when the dog gets a cooked meal - seriously - that's just downright cold. Anyone who's read other posts from me may know that I'm expected to do all the begging for affection but I'm so done with that and the replacement with a pet just goes to show I'm not the only one here with issues. It's clearly a response to getting a dose of ones own medicine and a poor one. To me it set the stage for the true end of my efforts - at this point we are room mates. Last year I felt so proud that I was able to break the sexless marriage marker (that is more than 10 encounteres a year - I hit 12 and though wow - with persistence you can do anything. Retrospectively however looking at the fact that I did all sorts of planning (babysitters, dinners, flowers then blended in assertive attitude) the result of having 2 above the bottom line seemed ridiculous. Serious I cannot be the sole breadwinner, house cleaner, launderer, nanny at night, cook, accountant and Rico suave all because my partner was not taught those things and / or had an abisove encounter once upon a time. It's just over the top. So done with it. Yes I shall definitely do something for me now!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't see this as getting a dose of one's own medicine. You weren't getting affection before you adjusted fire and you still aren't. She's not into this for affection, so what's her motivation for staying in the marriage? Is it green, made of paper, and exchanged for goods and services? It's wonderful that you love your job but some day you will retire. What happens when your world is one never-ending weekend?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Even the dog knows you're not the alpha of the house.


:rofl:


----------

