# Torn between loathing and sympathy



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Most of you know my story by now, and I'm moving on...slowly but better as of late. It's been a year since separation, and divorce is upcoming. 
In my mind I feel I am caught somewhere between mild hatred and sympathy... 

I feel hatred towards her for all she's done to me...the wild sex with anyone after she left...the lying...the manipulating...playing me and using me...trying to reach out when she knew I was vulnerable, and playing on my emotions because she knew how much I loved her. For all these things, and more, I have a deep dislike and despise for her...for the façade I thought was my wife for so long. 

At the same time, I feel somewhat sorry for her. Many of you on here, as well as my counsellors and friends, relay that she is sick, toxic, poison, broken, messed up...and on and on. I believe this and don't dismiss it for a second...it's obvious. This is where the sympathy comes in. I feel sorry for someone who is like this and won't admit or fix herself...I did love her, and to see a person whom I loved emerge, or possibly was always, such a broken and screwed up individual, it bothers me. On the outside she is an attractive, hard working, kind and compassionate woman...she works with special needs kids at a high school and loves her job. But I see a woman who is broken and whose mind and emotions are so decayed and corrupted, I feel for her...either she doesn't see a problem, or she sees it and ignores it, or doesn't know how to cope or fix it. 

I want to despise her, and sometimes I do...but under that I feel sympathy for her...for her lack of self esteem and dignity and morals...for her ability to deflect intimacy from others and not feel remorse for her actions...or she pretends to feel bad to anyway. She has a large social circle...the life of the party...always "fun", but when it comes time to be serious, she deflects and buries these situations. She has been on anti-anxiety and sleeping pills long before I met her...I guess that was a flag that I oversaw... 

Has anyone encountered this tug of war? 
What's the best way to deal with this... 
I have dismissed her from my life...finally...but the mind is a funny thing, and sometimes the whole slate can't be cleaned in one big swipe... 

Suggestions?


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Ur doing better.

Suggestions as follows-

Go with 'hatred' if you have to pick one.

Keep attending counseling. Work on building up your self esteem and learn about boundaries in a relationship. Ask for some honest feedback on what other aspects of your personality you could stand to improve, and work on those in your spare time.

Hobbies. You had some before you lost yourself in the depths of a bad person. Get interested in those hobbies again. Or find some new ones. Pursue hobbies with *effort and passion*.

Rekindle old friendships. Don't hash over the past too much, go out and put new layers of fun times on top of things.

If your parents are still alive, spend time with them. Call them regularly. Keep in better touch with them if you can. Same for siblings.

Exercise. Eat healthy. Hell, eat un-healthy, once in awhile.

Imagine the most awesome version of 'YOU.' Now go do things that bring that vision closer to reality.

And don't have any more relationships with bad people.

:grin2:


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

deg20 said:


> Most of you know my story by now, and I'm moving on...slowly but better as of late. It's been a year since separation, and divorce is upcoming.
> In my mind I feel I am caught somewhere between mild hatred and sympathy...
> 
> I feel hatred towards her for all she's done to me...the wild sex with anyone after she left...the lying...the manipulating...playing me and using me...trying to reach out when she knew I was vulnerable, and playing on my emotions because she knew how much I loved her. For all these things, and more, I have a deep dislike and despise for her...for the façade I thought was my wife for so long.
> ...


Yes I struggle with this at times. While I feel sympathy at times I always remember that she has chosen this path. Nothing I could do or say would change her. They don't want change or sympathy right now. 

It does get less and less over time and you will feel both less anger and less sympathy. Ultimately they chose the path so how much sympathy do you want ant to feel for a situation they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

