# Separation - 2 Cheating Spouses - Psychological Abuse



## txdes (Oct 18, 2012)

I got pregnant when in high school by a guy I was dating at the time. Let’s just say he disappeared when I told him I was pregnant. I decided to have my baby because he was MY baby, and I would not do anything to harm my child. 

About two years after, I met my husband, we started dating and one day decided to get married. Before we got married, I found out he was talking to this minor (a girl) and he stopped by her house to give her a kiss in front of her friends. She found out he was getting married and started calling him constantly. I told him that he needed to stop all communications with her, for many reasons, or that was going to be the end of our relationship. He went ahead and changed his phone number and stopped all calls. The first months of our marriage were good. We had good sex, went out, spent time together, etc. Three months after being married I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant and he didn’t seem too happy, but after a couple of days he seemed excited. After the first six months of marriage, he would go out with his cousin and come home late after 2 or 3am on a weekly basis, he stopped talking to me, etc. I told him what was going on, why is he doing this, and he said he was a man and he needed to go out. He would come home from work and simply stated how tired he was. Sometimes he would just eat, watch tv, and go to sleep. Every now and then we had sex, but not so much.

It was almost impossible to talk to him because he was always too busy. When we went out to his family’s reunions/parties it was as if I was seeing someone totally different. He was engaged into conversations, seemed happy and content. On our way home I remember asking him, how come he was so excited when he talked to other people, but couldn’t get himself to talk to me about anything. I still to this day remember his response, ”We’re married now and I already know everything there is to know about you. Our relationship is great the way it is.” I mean, this man would literally tell me talk during commercials when he was watching TV because “we can talk any other day, but the show/episode/game/whatever was only going to be on TV that day”. Even after our son was born this continued to happen. He played sports on the weekends and we’d go with him to see him play or just let the kids run around in the park. I told him I needed time so that I could do something I liked as well apart from him and the kids. I wanted time for myself. It wasn’t going to be an everyday thing, but I needed my space. His response, “You’re a woman, not a man. You’re married now and you’re responsibility is to take care of your kids and husband”. I literally could not go to the store or my mom’s without his “permission” or the kids, because apparently I wanted to be like all those s1uts and act like I was single. All this happened during a course of 3.5 years into our marriage. He didn’t have a green card, so we or should I say I insisted that he should get it, so that there wasn’t any uncertainty of him having to leave the US. Go figure, in order for him to get his green card he would have to leave to his country and await revision of his case there. We decided that it was the best thing to do at the moment.

He was scheduled to leave at the end of 08/2010, but he decided to leave at the beginning. I told him that we should spend as much time as possible together, because we didn’t know when we were going to see each other again, and he should spend as much time as possible. His response, “I just rather leave now, I haven’t been over there in a long time, and this would just be best”. What can I say? Definitely NOT what I wanted to hear. Anyhow, our relationship was already screwed up, when he left it was just horrible to say the least. The first couple of days I wouldn’t call him much because he was seeing his family and I didn’t want to seem like I didn’t want to let him enjoy himself. After a couple of weeks, I would call every now and then we would talk fine, he’d talk to the kids, etc. Fast forward to a month after he was gone and he was always busy working, playing cards, playing sports, hunting, etc. That’s pretty how it went just about everytime we talked. I texted him that we should really work on our relationship because being apart for so long makes it that much more vulnerable. The kids and I ended visiting him in 12/2010 for Christmas and New Years. Let’s just say that we spent neither day together. He went out with his brothers/friends and got home reaking of alcohol at sunrise. I told him that we were supposed to spend time together because we only had 3 weeks vacation before I had to head back to work. His response, “I can’t stay with you all day long just talking, there’s nothing to do in there. Besides I’m giving you time to cook and help out around the house.” We were staying at his brother’s house. I was happy to be with him, but he could care less. Anyhow, our trip ended, the kids and I flew back home, and the relationship remained unstable. 

Our relationship continued the same for some months. I would deposit money into his phone account on a weekly basis so that he could use his phone, but got tired of it. I started becoming what I hated the most, a suspicious wife. Questions in my head: Why does he need me to send him money all the time? Why is he always broke? I just sent him a couple of grand not too long ago wth is going on? Why does he need minutes on his phone if he never has time to talk with me? Why? Why? Why dammit? I became bitter, an *******, and extremly annoyed. I had enough! You know what I did next?? I stopped calling, stopped sending money, I stopped being available all the DAMN time. It came to the point where I no longer wanted a husband. I wanted OUT! I started enjoying my free time and doing all the things I wasn’t allowed to do. I went out with friends to the movies, went dancing twice, went to the mall, visited my mom, went out to eat with my cousin, did some sewing projects, joined the gym and much more. He noticed I no longer cared and he started calling, questioning me, demanding to know what I had been up to, and I told him and he didn’t like it. He started constantly calling me to check where I was, with who, etc. It got to the point where he said I was an irresponsible mother, a nasty pig, *****, etc. Mind you, this is the same man who does not pick up the phone for the kids to say “Hello” because he’s always doing something. I told him if he was seeing someone to just tell me because about two weeks before when I called a woman answered his phone in the morning. He denied this and swore he didn’t know what I was talking about. WHATEVER. I told him I no longer wanted to be with him. I wanted a divorce and it was not up for discussion. He said in his own words “Fine if that’s what you want, then ok”. We agreed to not get divorced at the time because otherwise he would be unable to get his green card and that’s not what I wanted. 

A couple of months after the fact, I met someone at the park. I started talking with a single father of two. We really connected and I was happy to finally have someone to talk to about things other than kids or my STBEH. It was refreshing. I had no intention of having an EA or a PA. We would meet up at the park almost everyday in the afternoon and every weekend with the kids. I lived a bit far from work (almost an hour) and I was exhausted because I was getting off work pretty late and picking up the kids to go home only in time to make them something to eat and sleep. My mom had her apartment empty because she was going out of town, and I asked her if I could stay there for the week. I was going to get some things from my house (clothes, comforters, toys, toddler beds, etc) to make sure the kids were comfortable. I asked my friend if he could help me, and he went with me to get my things. We packed up everything and decided to sit down to get some air, and just started talking. One thing led to another and our EA became a PA. I’m not proud of how things happened and certainly wish things would have happened different, but they didn’t. We kept seeing each other and still are. 

About 3 months ago my STBEH came from his country, illegally, so he could see what I was up to. He stayed with me and the kids and asked if he could use my phone until he got the phone I ordered for him. I let him use my phone for 2 days, but on the 3rd day I was done. I asked for my phone, and he would just have to wait until he got his. He said he was waiting for a call and I could just wait. I was running late for work, and playing with him was not an option. I’m usually out the door by 7:30, but it was almost 7:45am when I heard the message ring. I look at the phone and it’s a text message saying “Hi my love, how are you doing today?” Now, this number is unfamiliar to me, and guess who it is. It’s his woman from his country!! Now, I am not mad at the fact that he’s with someone else, but at the fact the he came at me acting like the victim. He told me how could I do this to him and start seeing someone else, when he had been faithful to me all this time. How could I let another man touch me after everything we’ve been through. When I confronted him about the message, he completely denied it, BUT his woman decided to call and we talked. She said they’ve been dating for over a year and that they had plans to come to USA and make a life together, and other crap.

About a week after. He left back to his country because he was awaiting his appointment with the US Consulate. He is to come back to the US next week and wants to reconcile because he has changed so much, and maybe I should do the same and stop screwing someone else. I don’t love him, I don’t think he respects me, I don’t think we could ever trust each other. Just because his relationship with his woman didn’t work out or whatever happened, doesn’t mean I should do the same. I’m happy, I’m loved, and I like where I am at at this moment. When I’m with him, I feel used and manipulated. I wouldn’t be surprised to see his woman here and him still trying to get it on with me. I thought I would never be with anyone else other than my husband and I never thought that getting married to him would turn our relationship into BS. I just want him to leave me alone. I like my peace of mind right now. 
I’m scared because he has threatened me before, that if I ever left him, he would kill us both, because no one else can have me. He has not made any threats recently, but it’s not like he’s going to give me a heads up about it right?? What should I do?? He says we should try and work it out for the kids, but I told him maybe we should get divorced for the kids because our relationship is not a healthy one and I don’t want the kids to see that I don’t love their father. When he came illegaly from his country the 2nd time, the kids told me that I was mean with their dad because I wouldn’t hug him or sleep in the same room as him. I love my kids, but I already suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent) and everytime I talk to their dad I fall deeper. I’m trying to gain strength, all I want is peace of mind. 

Neither one of us has acted according to our marriage vows and it’s time to let go. It hurts me everytime.

Forgive my spelling (just typed w/o checking errors)


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like he has been just using you if you ask me. I'd suggest getting out of the relationship no matter what. Just the fact he told you he'd kill you is enough to know he's a wacko. Lots of guys say that and would never do it, but regardless if he means it you can't let fear guide your decisions.

There have been a lot of new laws passed in the last decade to help protect women like you who might be in danger. Like I said the majority of the time these kind of threats are just childish outbursts. You should know from your extended relationship with him if he really is violent or not. If he has any signs of being violent I would get help immediately.

Whenever you make a decision on anything ask yourself. Am I doing this for him or me? Sounds like you have done enough for him.


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## txdes (Oct 18, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Sounds like he has been just using you if you ask me. I'd suggest getting out of the relationship no matter what. Just the fact he told you he'd kill you is enough to know he's a wacko. Lots of guys say that and would never do it, but regardless if he means it you can't let fear guide your decisions.
> 
> There have been a lot of new laws passed in the last decade to help protect women like you who might be in danger. Like I said the majority of the time these kind of threats are just childish outbursts. You should know from your extended relationship with him if he really is violent or not. If he has any signs of being violent I would get help immediately.
> 
> Whenever you make a decision on anything ask yourself. Am I doing this for him or me? Sounds like you have done enough for him.


Yes I admit to being a little intimidated by him now. He has never really been physically abusive with me. The threats began when I started telling him I was done and tired of our relationship. He's used to me just going by what he says, I guess he thought I wouldn't actually leave him. Either way I don't think I'm ever going back to that.


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