# New wife needs your opinion



## tiramisu (Jan 15, 2009)

Hello everyone,

I just stumbled on this forum and have never posted before. I need to survey opinions on something that has me flustered. I appreciate opinions from both males and females to try to figure out if I am being unreasonable:

OK here is my situation:
My brand new husband has a golf tournament his Dad wants him to play in next month out of town which happens to fall squarely during my birthday weekend. We live in separate cities and only see each other on weekends and given my school schedule I cannot travel a lot more than that.

First when his Dad mentioned it he told me he wouldn't go without me but I told him if we wants to go he should go Tuesday and I can join him for the weekend because I cant miss too many lectures. It was my understanding that we will still be together for the weekend of my Saturday (my birthday) since I would be going too or else he would come back by Saturday . He was thinking about it for a few days and before I knew it he bought the airline ticket to return on Sunday night. When I found out i looked for tickets for myself and they are pretty prohibitively expensive.

I am pretty bummed out about not being able to spend my birthday with him and having to spend it alone. 

The problem is that he does not even see why I am a upset and he thinks I am being selfish. I did not ask him to cancel the trip but asked him to return early so i can at least spend the evening with him. he makes no plans to make it up to em either and I am more upset that he doesn't see that he was being insensitive. I feel that he went ahead and bought the ticket by himself because he knew if he talked it over with me I would say that I don't wanna be alone on my birthday.

I know most of you probably say- just celebrate the weekend before or after- Problem is I have exams the weekend before and he is out of town the weekend after and we are in separate cites over the week. Therefore that is not an option either. 
What I am really miffed about is that he doesn't see that I have a right to be upset; he thinks I am being selfish. We are so in love so I can't believe he did this doesn't feel bad about what he did.

So my questions are :
Am i being unreasonable in feeling so bummed?
Is he not being insensitive of my feelings?

FYI- He gets to play a lot of golf all year and since his parents are snow birds he doesn't see them more than 3-4 times all winter. the rest of the year they live 10 minutes away from him. We just saw the in-laws around xmas and new years - and there was a lot of football, basketball watching and some golf too.

I really don't want to be the wife that gets between a man and his Dad's golf game and I want him to be happy- but really not at my expense! I feel like I am entitled not to be alone on my birthday.

Please help me before i make myself or him crazy!!
Thanks a lot in advance!
-T


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tiramisu said:


> Am i being unreasonable in feeling so bummed? Is he not being insensitive of my feelings?


I dont think you are being unreasonable. I think what he did was pretty selfish. 

Just give it time though. These kind of things happen. He probably just needs to grow up. Dont pretend to be happy, but dont try and 'make' him get it, either. 

And do something fun on your bday.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I think it is understandable that you would be upset, but I would be careful as to not blow this up into a larger fight or harbor resentment toward him relating to this. 

You deserve to have a great birthday and I wish you a happy one!


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I don't understand ... why couldn't you go over to where he was for that weekend? You said the tickets were expensive, but if he and his dad bought tickets, why can't he buy your ticket too? Is he expecting you to buy the ticket out of your own (student) budget? Make him get you a ticket!

I think your biggest problem is living apart. I'm sure that's out of necessity, but can't help the marriage AT ALL.


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## joy (Mar 1, 2009)

Dear Tiramisu,
I've been married for 21 years and my husband still bears no importance on special dates, although subcontiously I believe its intentional. His parents too have had a large influence on this because although they dictated a strong family moral, it was about their family and could not release him to invest in his. This began with a suggestion from his father that he should join them in their country for Easter knowing that i was pregnant and could not travel and followed 10 days after I gave birth with them taking him to Switzerland for two days.
If I had behaved differently from the start I would have saved many arguements and hard feeling that we carry with us till today. My husband only remembers me as selfish and mad with my reactions. so dont turn your rightful anger into your problem and dont become a victim.
Now that his mother is left alone the situation is more extreme.
lt was his birthday 2 weeks ago and like always he had a very logical reason to be with his mum in her country. for the first time I packed him a picnic hamper, send him off with a smile and took my daughters skiing with a group of friends. whist he was lumbered with her, we had one of our best holidays and I made sure he knew it.
I wish I had done this before.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Yes, you have a right to be hurt. And yes you are making a big deal out of nothing and you are being silly. 

I can totally get not wanting to be alone on your birthday, but what is a birthday day anyway. it is just a day like any other. yes, it is special to you, but you can make it special any way you want to. if you want to complain and cry about not having your man with you on that day, it is not going to be a special day. what did you do before you got married on your birthday? dont tell me you dont know someone to go out to the bar with. or they come over and you watch a movie or whatever you want, dinner at a restraunt, whatever. Yes, it would be nicer and better if your husband was sharing it with you, but since its not going to be that way, get over it. Maybe you and hubby can make it up the following weekend, tell him to act like the next sat is your birthday. like i said it is just a day. marriage is about compromises and there are many more worse issues you could be having, so count your blessing and forget the little things. Some people dont make a big deal out of birthdays, and some people do. but to me, that is a silly thing to fight about. 

To answer your questions: No you are not being unreasonable in feeling so bummed. you just need to get over it. And No he is not being insensitive of your feelings. guys just think differently. he could have been just a little more nice about it or understanding and reassuring, but i guess he is not like that and i wouldnt stress over it for this reason. If he is that way with everything you tell him you are feeling then i would say he was an insensitive jerk.

let him go with his dad, sure..... you can tell him that you wish he would have been with you, but plan on doing something with a girlfriend. Besides it will so much more fun having your husband make it up to you the following weekend for missing your birthday...lol

good luck, and oh BTW.... happy birthday.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

no you are not being selfish, yes what he did was insensitive. this is my take on it. 

the thing is, even though it's not a major offense in the big picture , men like this, and women who do things like this, tend to be this way with a lot of things... that has been my experience with that type of behavior. He might be someone who is selfish in general. I personally would be pretty hurt if my hubby did that, and he'd know it. I also would not do something like that to my hubby, and I know he'd never dream of doing it to me. But, mrsvain is right, some men, a lot of men, do think differently. And to your hubby, it might not be a big deal. Likely cause it was not his feelings that got hurt. 

I would simply sit him down, and tell him how hurt you were, that he didn't even try to include you, and bought a ticket thinking it would be okay to just beg forgiveness after the fact, instead of talk it over with you first. Husbands and wives, just don't go buying plane tickets to go off and play golf, or any other kind of game, without consulting one another... this can lead to a lot of resentment, and it was disrespectful on his part. It can lead to mutual disrespect in the long run. So, even though there may not be anything you can do to change it, I would definitely sit him down and set some boundaries, and let him know that you're a team, that your married, and that you don't go flying off, and leave your spouse alone on their birthday, especially newlywed wife,,, and then expect to not catch some flack for it. And this is especially true for you two, since you only see each other on the weekends. Hurt feelings, that are unaddressed, on either side, can fester and build up, and ruin a marriage years down the road. 

I hope he doesn't continue doing selfish , thoughtless things like this. You deserve to be with your brand new husband on a special day like your b-day. tell him how it is honey! LOL...


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