# Parenting Plan: Point of Dispute



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I am at the end of my divorce and really 90% at peace with it. I am having a vexing problem with my stb-x in that we can't seem to agree on a parenting plan. 

I went to the court ordered mediation very flexible. I had high hopes but low expectations if that makes any sense. I told my boss at my second job I need to be on a schedule and that my stb-x deserves one so my flexibility has to come to an end.

I was willing to do every other weekend, 1 weekend/month, 1 weekend every 8 weeks, 1 overnight, 2 overnights, 3 overnights, or even 50/50, like the new fad is.

The main problem I have is she wants me to fight for the kids and is frustrated and angry that I am not fighting for time. She interprets my attitude as "blaz-ay." I suppose that's one way to interpret it but I guess I just wanted to be flexible and not uproot the kids from their familiar home as little as possible. Yet, she has complained I haven't been seeing my kids enough on the other hand.

So. . .we go into mediation and she says, "Whatever, I just want a schedule."

So the mediator (a volunteer) tells me that I have to agree to a plan tonight and it starts tommorrow. I say, "Well, I live 50 minutes away and that will be an inconvenience to the kids - getting them up at 5:30 a.m. to get to school but I'll do it."

(my attorney tells me this morning that was entirely incorrect and it's very reasonable to give me 90 days to find a place and then enact a parenting plan after I receive my monies from the home equity we have).

Anyway, she basically ends the mediation session stomping away and slamming the door when she says it's all about my schedule.

I am puzzled how to get my opponent out of hte adversarial mindset. I was willing to give her anything. She said, "No, you pick." When I picked, whatever I picked, wasn't good enough for whatever reason.

So, ironically, as much as I have spoken against the idea of 50/50 split, that's what I am going for at this point in court.

It actually works not too bad:

I am off Tues and Thurs. I will pick them up Monday night and return them Thurs a.m. and every other Friday a.m. (my request). She works M-F 9 to 5 and she gets them every weekend. I work 60-70% of weekends.

This allows me to pull the youngest out of daycare on Thurs. ( I would think any court would rather have their child with their father vs. daycare but who the hell knows).

I guess my question is. . .is there anything I am not doing to facillitate cooperation from my opponent? I suppose there is an element of "blaz-ayness" in my attitude. I see the kids as work, not always a privledge to be with. . .but honestly, I do miss them a lot. Haven't hardly seen the older 2 kids since summer and it's October.

But in the same breath, I will admit my kids aren't my "everything" in the world either. If that makes me a bad father, so be it. I accept judgment.

I just want the kids happy. I try to let them know "Dad's okay being alone" because I don't want them to worry about me. They say don't underestimate how much they worry about you.

I think my opponent's motive is she wants every other weekend off to spend with her boyfriend. Since I choose to work weekends to provide for college and whatnot for my kids. . .my attorney says that's her problem, not mine, not ours.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think you are being very very fair, and if I were you, beings she caused all of this, I would not give her every other weekend, as you mentioned she probably does want to have more time alone with her boyfriend. If you work more these hours & Have Tuesday & Thursdays off, this seems a perfect plan . 

I hope your divorce will be good enough, that if she is ever in a bind and needs you some weekend, or you need her when you are supposed to have them, you will help each other out. 

One thing in life is for sure, we can NOT please everyone, this is surely more blatently true with a stb-x!


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

SA,

I think so many things are going on in her head, she can't wrap her head around them.

1. I think she was starting to realize, all this time she was demanding that I take them more, that I spend more time with the kids, well now. . .she could now not have them in her home for 3-4 days/week.

She could come home Tuesday night -empty house, except boyfriend. Wed. night. - empty. Thurs night - maybe empty. Monday night only 1-2 hours as I may pick up at 7 p.m. Maybe not see them til Friday night at 6 p.m.

In short, she's going to miss them.

2. Now, the child support drops precipitously. That 4 BDR. McMansion we lived in, unless the boyfriend or parents support, is no longer a possibilty.

3. Based on 2 and 3, divorce sucks. It's a *****, isn't it? I don't mean anything snide by that. It really is a *****. I"ve been displaced from my home for 18 months now and it's been no picnic. I tried to warn her and she totally glamorized and romanticized divorce.

4. She has lost just about all control over me. She says, "If you don't do this, I'm moving away." If you don't do that, I'm moving away with the kids." Well, my atty. says it's just not that simple, that she has to have a compelling reason to move.

Not only that, I just don't respond to blackmail anymore. Not that I don't take her seriously but if she moves away, she shoots herself and the kids in the foot.

And to answer your last question, SA OF COURSE I WOULD!

In fact, she enrolled in a distance learning program to get a masters degree. I was so on board and supportive of it; I even left a messge I was proud of her for doing that. I tried to adjust my weekend schedule so I could be off on the weekends she was away.

ALl I asked in return was I get to stay in my house with the kids while she was away. Well she did that 2x.

Well, she only gave me 2 weeks notice on the last time. I moved my schedule around except for 1 Saturday (I was to parent them Thurs, Fri, Sat. and Sunday). I gave Thurs and Sunday hours away to another co-worker but couldn't get out of that Sat. I only asked if her parents/family could watch the kids about 12 hours on a Sat. I woudl be home at 9 p.m.

She threw a fit and said, "Forget it!" (she hates asking her mother for help out of pride)

My attorney told me "Stop feeding the bears. They are always hungry for more. They are never satisifed."

So I guess she dropped out, not even sure.

And that is my psychological weakness, I keep thinking, "Well, if I am nice for her, and accomodate and support her, she'll be nice back."

Doesn't seem to work. Only thing that seems to work is when she has control of me. Her whole happiness seems to be dependent on that.

Well anyway, if I get this (and it's okay that I don't), I am kind of looking forward to it. I think I was always better at the day-to-day parenting stuff. She was always screaming and losing her patience with the kdis. So I am happy to do homework, baths, cook, clean and she can take them to museums on weekends, day trips, weekend trips, etc. The thought of that always made me fatigued just thinking about it.

My idea of fun time is NOT hauling kids to a historical battleground hearing picking and fighting in the back, complaining, whining, etc. I know she always used to complain that we didn't do many things like that as a family.

Here is a golden opportunity for her.

And it can be "bachelor pad" in the middle of the week. And in summers, mid-week is great for the shore - no crowds.

And I would of course accept any help during the week from my stb-x. I am not so proud, esp. my Wed. night. . .that's going to be stressful rounding them up. If she volunteers for sport transport, I'll glady accept and reciprocate.

If she wants "me time", that's okay too. I realize it's on me that day.

Well, who knows. . .this may be all academic anyway. 

If it's one thing I have learned, usually courts like to punish both parties in rulings, for not cooperating. I doubt I'll get what i ask for.

but. . .I can't see a court saying daycare trumps Dad on Thurs.

Maybe though. . .who knows.

Well, thanks for the input.


----------

