# submissive wife



## trev (May 23, 2009)

How do you get your normally very submissive wife to take the lead in the bedroom ? 
she stays at home the house is always imaculate , the children well dressed polite .dinner is always cooked ready for when i come home ..she is always well dressed no matter what time of day it is .. id love nothing more then for her to drag me to bed question is how ..?


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

wow, ive never heard of a woman that didnt wanna take control, i love being in control in the bedroom...i dont have to drag my husband off tho, most of the time we dont even make it to the bed.. lol wish i could help. the coupon thing sounds like a good idea, i might try that myself just to spice things up.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ive heard of a book called The good girls guide to bad sex or something to that affect. maybe you two could look into something like that.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

i dont think it that she doesnt want to take control im sure her catholic up bringing has loads to do with it 
like the coupon idea though


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Thats a very cool I idea. We have done something like it but I like that both make them up,


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

some good ideas, but what is her underlying issue? do you just chalk this up to the fact that this is who she is? does she not understand that with all else being good, sex should be give and take? not trying to start a poop storm here, just curious.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

good call okeydokie not quite sure what else some people need


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> good call okeydokie not quite sure what else some people need


I used to get bothered by my wife not initiating very much despite not rejecting me very often. When one person does all the initiating, the other can end up feeling they are not being desired. In the end we had a series of talks about it and she likened sex to a wonderful green pasture. (I'm not sure that she was likening herself to a cow...). She said she could see the green field, she wanted to go into it, but couldn't quite get past the fence. She said that when I initiated, it was like I carried her over the stile.

She has gotten a bit better at initiating, but she is also much more enthusiastic when I make a move, which at least gives me positive feedback.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

[:iagree:

I dont expect full on drag me to bed just to be met half way !


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Are you two going to kiss and make up?


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

I really hope so !!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well come home babe love you so much and have missed you like crazy


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Is my mother in law there ???


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

No  we need to talk in private x


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

no  we need to talk in private


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

on way .. thanks mark ! 

for making me see sence


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

love connection?


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

The love connection of my life !!! Im one very happy lucky man .


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

glad to see you two connect on here....now get off the board and finish this in Private


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ok maybe far to submissive .. now in need of ideas of how to remove my barrier .. 
needs to be easy to 
any ideas of how to say i want to make mad pationate love to you with out saying the words !! i hope one day i can say them but i just cant


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Can you explain what it is that you can say, and what it is that you can't? We need to see where the dividing line is drawn.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well not a lot  i can write things down !! maybe thats the way to go !

i can say i love you and in my head i know what i want to say but i cant bring myself to say it .
i have no hang ups with sex i enjoy a good sex life !


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

What prevents you saying it. Can you describe the feeling? Imagine you're in the bedroom right now trying to say it, what feelings come up?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I get really nervous kinda shakey i even laugh im ok if i have a glass of wine lol gives me a little more courage and helps me to relax .

I dont know why im like it ! has a child sex wasnt allowed to be mentioned it was a sin !! 
that probably hasnt helped 

and maybe im always thinking what if he says no thanks


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> and maybe im always thinking what if he says no thanks


Is that the main thought? Are there more?
(I'm only referring to what goes through your head in that situation, not at other times).


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

loads go through my head !! 

am i good enough for starts


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Two ideas...start with instead of being aggressive, be aggressively passive. (bear with me here)

What I mean is instead of starting with grabbing his tie and dragging him upstairs, send a signal that you want him to drag you upstairs. Not in words, but some other sign.

There's an old story about a farming couple. When the wife wanted sex, she would hang a certain flag outside the house, and go for a horse ride. When the husband came home, he'd see the flag, saddle up his horse, and chase her down until he caught her, and voila...right on that spot. 

You say you can write it down...so try that for starters.

A second idea is code words. Something that really only means sex to the two of you, in a flirty double-entendre way, then you can spring the code words instead. It can even be really goofy like "How about I go set up parchesi?" But something that has a shared meaning to the two of you.

With these, you get your point across. He knows you're flashing the big green light. You don't feel too embarrassed talking about "IT", and he feels both pursued and empowered to pursue you.

Of course your mileage may vary.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I think i can do that codewords even flag waving ..what im not going to do is let him fall asleep because i cant say i want to make love to you !! ( which i have done in the past )


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> loads go through my head !!


Well that's good, as it gives you something to work with.



humpty dumpty said:


> am i good enough for starts


That's a classic.

Write them all down, and then show the list to Trev - get his opinion.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

For years my wife was just like you HD, even if she wanted sex, she'd let it "pass" if I didn't happen to initiate sex at that time.

Over the last few months we have REALLY opened up (both of us) to the point where now she has no problem telling me when she wants it. She's still "code like" in her way of telling me, she doesn't just drag me upstairs, but I definitely know the "code" and its much better than her never initiating at all.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well hubby can home waving flags last night !!( off side flags from football) lol  and i couldnt stop laughing !! making a list was a good way to go ...reading it out was a lot easier then i thought  .. its a small step in the right direction ..


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i admire you for wanting to improve the situation, alot of people dont try


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> well hubby can home waving flags last night !!( off side flags from football) lol  and i couldnt stop laughing !! making a list was a good way to go ...reading it out was a lot easier then i thought  .. its a small step in the right direction ..


 

Glad to hear of your success. And flags....LOL...the timing couldn't have been better.

Hmmm....football...

"Honey...I'm heading upstairs now...want to help me...study...my...playbook?" 

*toss the penalty flag over your shoulder* "You won't need a penalty flag tonight, dear" *wink wink*

"Scrimmage?"

Offense...defense...huddle...touch...tackle... receivers...making a pass...oh, the double meanings are endless!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ha ha  thanks all if nothing you have made me laugh so much .. hey im feeling on top of the world ...new adventure everyday  have lots of things planned


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

No double teaming the wide receiver either!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

...umpire said it was a "free ball"


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

well i have spare flags !! anyone interested ??? hey im just glad to have her back playing on my team


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

glad to be playing on your team to  hey guess we should get a room  lol


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

trev said:


> hey im just glad to have her back playing on my team


Your wife was playing for the other team? Most men would at least like to watch that, if not participate!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

revitalizedhusband 

behave lol  !! ha ha


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I'm sorry, my wife tells me I manage to twist everything she says into something sexual...


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## NeverSure (May 21, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> ok maybe far to submissive .. now in need of ideas of how to remove my barrier ..
> needs to be easy to
> any ideas of how to say i want to make mad pationate love to you with out saying the words !! i hope one day i can say them but i just cant


This is eactly the same situation for me. We drifted apart over the course of 3-4 years because of this and just recently we let ourselves drift so far apart that he ended up having an EA and I was spending ALL my time focusing on the house we are building. We are now in counselling and it's going well but we need to rekindle the intimacy in our relationship. But yeah, I am much like you HD. I always have this guard up and I am never able to say what I think when it comes to the man I love.


humpty dumpty said:


> well not a lot  i can write things down !! maybe thats the way to go !
> 
> i can say i love you and in my head i know what i want to say but i cant bring myself to say it .
> i have no hang ups with sex i enjoy a good sex life !


Same here again! In fact, I have never been able to look my hubby in the eyes and tell him how much I appreciate him or love him or care about him...except if he says something like that first...then I reciprocate. But I write very well and I am excellent at putting my thoughts into words for him. This is one thing I have been doing a lot since we have decided to work on our relationship...I write to him at work every day (kinda like a thought of the day) and he does too. 



humpty dumpty said:


> I get really nervous kinda shakey i even laugh im ok if i have a glass of wine lol gives me a little more courage and helps me to relax .
> 
> I dont know why im like it ! has a child sex wasnt allowed to be mentioned it was a sin !!
> that probably hasnt helped
> ...


Again, same here! I am always afraid to be rejected. I never initiate sex and I LOVE LOVE LOVE sex. I have often let him fall asleep because I was too nervous to initiate. It's done nothing but make me feel frustrated! We have been together for over 6 years and the first 2 years we had an amazing sex life. We were very open minded and had a lot of fun with sex. I miss that soooooo much! He does too. We want to be intimate again but don't know how!?!
On a side note, our counsellor talked to us about attachment styles and she mentioned something that really got me thinking. I was adopted at the age of 4 months. The first 4 months of my life I was in a foster home and badly neglected. Our counsellor was saying that one of the reasons I always fear rejection might be because I experienced something similar to it as an infant (my birth mother gave me away and then the people who were supposedly caring for me failed to do so). It's pretty deep stuff but I had never thought about it before. I wonder could it affect me at this age!? So until we next see our counsellor, my "homework" is to look him in the eyes once a day and tell him something I'm feeling. I'm pretty excited about it. I really want to overcome this fear of mine. 

Sorry about hijacking the thread. The more I read your posts HD, the more I see we have in common.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

no worry about the hi jacking every one on here have been a great help  
we have been to marriage counsellors in the past some helped others were nutters lol feel free to get in touch any time x


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

neversure wow how a like are we !! I love sex i can kick myself about the number of times ive laid awake wanting sex ... im determined its not going to happen again ..no matter what i will wave flags dance on tables and hopefully one day be able to say im going to make mad pationate love to you all night ! till then flags are cool !!


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

NeverSure said:


> Sorry about hijacking the thread. The more I read your posts HD, the more I see we have in common.


No hijack, and Hi Never. 

Take a peek at my suggestions to HD.

It's ok to fear rejection. Everyone worries about being rejected when they put themselves out there. It hurts...and that stinks. It's so easy to avoid it..just never put yourself out there. But then you miss out on a chance.

But...like that nervous little boy at his first jr. high dance...pluck up that nerve, and stutter through some endearing version of "Ur cute...wanna dance?"

If your husband has any clue at what it took for you to get that far (and he should if you are in counseling together), he won't turn you down. And if he is feeling the same way...probably all he needs if for you to give him the green light when you're feeling frisky. Just agree on a signal.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> Now that would be "out of bounds"!


But what if she likes it "out of bounds"?


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## NeverSure (May 21, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> neversure wow how a like are we !! I love sex i can kick myself about the number of times ive laid awake wanting sex ... im determined its not going to happen again ..no matter what i will wave flags dance on tables and hopefully one day be able to say im going to make mad pationate love to you all night ! till then flags are cool !!


LOL Yeah, I need to get something like that going too. Well, I completed my first homework assignment. when he got home tonight I went up to him, put my arms around him, looked him in the eyes and told him I love him very much (with a biog stupid grin on my face cause I laugh when I'm nervous). He was happy about it. Felt great! I love him so much it's crazy...I really hope we can get through all this.


DownButNotOut said:


> No hijack, and Hi Never.
> 
> Take a peek at my suggestions to HD.
> 
> ...


DownButNotOut, I like your advice. It's true...I have to take chances or I'll never know. I'm going to work very hard on this! Will keep you updated!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Try just ripping his shirt off! Buttons everywhere! (have a spare handy, though)

Or just grab his hand and drag him to the bedroom (or wherever you like to do it) and push him down onto his back. Kiss him deeply. Do the above.  

If he wears a belt, have a pair of scissors handy (and a spare belt) and remove it (with his pants). 

Stick your tongue down his throat. Don't say a thing.  

While he's watching TV (or something) say you're going to the bathroom and change into something sexy. Come back and turn off the TV! 

Show up naked with a beer and a sandwich. If he reaches for the sandwich, say, Yes, you need to build up your energy! And the beer...to loosen up and relax a little. Do any of the above. 

I'm sure he'll get the idea very quickly!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

This is still really new to me to .. I am making a real concious effort to say how i feel ,i really have to force myself out of my comfort zone to a degree where i feel really uncomfortable, nervous and i do stutter over my words .
But it is working  a few days in and i feel more in control of my self .. writing things down has helped and making vouchers for each other was a fantastic idea .. greeting my hubbie with a flag at the door was totally hilarious  but it had the effect i needed it to have :0
To be honest the more he responds the more alive and happy i am , i really want to throw my hang ups away for ever but i know its gonna take time and hard work both sides .. im glad he hasnt given up on me  

Hey i hope that i can just rip his shirt of cut his belt of and spend the day in bed ....im sure that day will happen just knocking that stupid wall down a brick at a time .learning about myself on the way


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> i really want to throw my hang ups away for ever but i know its gonna take time and hard work both sides .


As our hang-ups are a product of our own mind we don't need to use strenuous effort in an attempt to them away. We need to cuddle and kiss them until they dissolve back into nothingness where they came from 

If you can visualise your upbringing as loving but miss-guided, and love yourself for the sensitive person you are, your hang-ups will lose their power little by little. They are not real. They only live by the energy you put into them. Fighting them makes them stronger. You only fight something if you think it exists. When finally, you realise something is a figment of your imagination, you just warmly let it fade away.

when you realize that *nothing* was stopping you do something, you may even giggle, to think that you thought that the *nothing* was something solid and real.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

[


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> As our hang-ups are a product of our own mind we don't need to use strenuous effort in an attempt to them away. We need to cuddle and kiss them until they dissolve back into nothingness where they came from ]
> 
> As always mark you know just what to say


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> As our hang-ups are a product of our own mind we don't need to use strenuous effort in an attempt to them away. We need to cuddle and kiss them until they dissolve back into nothingness where they came from


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Party time !!! Lol


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cool


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

AND GREAT ICT TIPS TO  

A man with many hats cheers Mark


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

I hope my home computer still works !! :-o


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Trev, well...both of you should agree beforehand how much time to spend on it. Or for how long. And doing what. 

I'd say these forums are ok...but I spend nearly all day and evenings on here.  Emails, ok. Social sites...ok if it's just keeping up with friends & family; not if it's checking things out. 

But, say, gaming (unless it's mutual) should be done sparingly (or only when alone) and for agreed-to amounts of time. And not at the other's expense of quality time. 

Just remember what you're both there for.  Each other.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

i very much agree  im sure we will both dip in and out at times ..as ive said this time its for keeps . Have a great wive and forums and gaming(x box) come way down the list .
Would like to take this chance to thank all of you ..for opening my eyes and for some of the best advice i could have had, 

Trev


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