# Am I failing at my marriage???



## Lady246 (Aug 11, 2013)

Hi, I'm 27 years old. I've only been married to my husband for about 2 years but we have been together 4 years. Lately, we have been having real problems. He works 2nd shift and I go to school during the day. We don't see each other very much at all because of our schedule but it's a schedule we have to have because of our kids. We haven't been very intamite in the bedroom lately and I feel that it's a huge problem at least on my part. He is very loving and caring when it comes to the kids and to me, he is not abusive (as my first marriage was) and he takes care of all of us financially. I understand that he has a lot on his plate but I feel as though I am not getting any time or attention from him. One night, while the kids were gone we got in a huge argument over him playing his video game (which he plays pretty much every minute in his spare time) and he brought up the fact that I have let myself go, and that I have gained too much weight and that I needed to go back to the way I was before when we first started dating, because I cared more about my weight then. Now I am still very with it when it comes to hygene and apperences, but I have been going through a very hard time this past year. I lost my mother to suicide in August of last year, and then 8 months after that we lost my father in law to cancer. I have been the one to cook, clean, handle bills, and pretty much everything on the home front even when we both worked. We have had fight over fight about his continuous game play and how I need help when it comes to these things. He will help, but I will have to tell him exactly what needs to be done or it won't get done. He is great at spending quality time with his step children ( my kids call him Daddy since their father is no longer in the picture) and he loves them dearly. But when it comes to time with me, he expects me to try to have conversations when he is playing his game or watch him play his game to spend time with him. I have tried to talk to him about his excessive game playing and how we don't have much time together and how I need the intimacy to try to get me out of my depression. He has never told me again in so many words that I need to lose weight, but we do talk about it from time to time, and I am in the process of doing so, but now I feel like I don't deserve him and that he can do better. We are really no longer intimate, sexually I mean, which leaves me feeling a great void. I feel that if we do have sex that he is doing it only out of obligation and I can tell you it doesn't make me want to do something with someone who I feel is not wanting to do it. And it gets to the point to where I feel that we should split up so that I can work on me without feeling that he doesn't want me anymore because everytime he ignores me to play the game or to spend time with his friends when he hasn't seen me in like 2 weeks straight and only really talked to me on brief (5 min to 10 min) phone calls that he makes on his lunch break to me at work. I haven't felt that I can really talk to anyone about this because to e honest I haven't felt too close to anyone lately. I have tried and tried to talk to him but it's like it does no good. He expects me to keep letting him play his game and just do what he does and me to try to find time around what he does. I could mention going to marriage counseling but neither he nor I have insurance at the moment, and I feel that it might help us, but then again I feel that it won't help. I'm just so tired of feeling alone and not good enough and I don't feel that I'm getting what I need. I have even told him that I felt that we should split up and he says that he doesn't want this to end on us splitting up but then puts it on me to make that decision saying, "well, if that's what you feel we should do." I'm just to the point to where it hurts to be with him and it hurts to let go. I don't know what to do and it's just eating at me to where it's making it difficult to do really anything anymore. I don't even feel like playing with my kids because I just feel so worthless, and he really doesn't try to make me feel this way I know he doesn't, because he tries to support me in everything I do by trying to tell me everyday on the phone when he calls that I look beautiful and that he loves me and that I'm all he thinks about all day when he's at work. But how can he say those things and expect me to believe them when he acts like this?! Even when I ask him if he's in love with me, he always hesitates and eventually just says yes. If anyone has any advice on what my next step should be please let me know, because I'm at my wits end and this is starting to drive me crazy...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sure sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble.

There are some books that I think will help you quite a bit:

"Divorce Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

"Love Busters"

Read them in that order. After you read them, try to get your husband to read the last two with you and to do the work they books talk about. It's as good as marriage counseling and a lot cheaper.

Working different shifts can seriously hurt a marriage. IT leaves you very little time together. You two need to pay special attention to how to put aside time to spend together.

You are really down on yourself. I know that you want intimacy with your husband. But you need to pull back and work on feeling better about yourself. In the end, you are responsible for your own happiness. 

Can you take fewer classes so that you have more time? Don't know.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Ok, lady I've read your story and I'm going to try to help you. But please next time breakup the *W*all *O*f *T*ext so people can comprehend your post.



Lady246 said:


> Hi, I'm 27 years old. I've only been married to my husband for about 2 years but we have been together 4 years. Lately, we have been having real problems. He works 2nd shift and I go to school during the day. We don't see each other very much at all because of our schedule but it's a schedule we have to have because of our kids. We haven't been very intamite in the bedroom lately and I feel that it's a huge problem at least on my part. He is very loving and caring when it comes to the kids and to me, he is not abusive (as my first marriage was) and he takes care of all of us financially.
> Stop! You're 27 with two kids and already on your second marriage? How long have you been single apart from your ex husband, taking that time to work on yourself? Because without going any further I can only assume you are both young and married out of love with little to no experience.
> 
> I understand that he has a lot on his plate but I feel as though I am not getting any time or attention from him. One night, while the kids were gone we got in a huge argument over him playing his video game (which he plays pretty much every minute in his spare time) and he brought up the fact that I have let myself go, and that I have gained too much weight and that I needed to go back to the way I was before when we first started dating, because I cared more about my weight then. Now I am still very with it when it comes to hygene and apperences, but I have been going through a very hard time this past year.
> ...


You're not going to like what I have to recommend but here goes.... I agree with you, I think you married before you were ready and separation is what is going to be best for you. At least a trial in house separation while you focus on school. 

I mean he's doing the average dumb guy mistake of marrying a woman and then treating her like a maid to be ignored, and he's not going to appreciate you or miss you unless he's been without you and seen how having you in his life enriched his whole outlook of the world. The only way he's going to see that is if he misses you enough or goes through some serious counseling first. 

You're probably not going to like my idea, but really you're not too far off from being separated as it is. When you're the only person trying in a relationship it's unhealthy, and when you're always worrying how to make things up to or be good enough for your spouse it's maddening. If you keep going the way things are going either you or him are going to have an affair and it's not going to be pretty when it's over.


----------

