# what do I do now?



## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I posted last month and didn't think I would be back on this site at all posting again. 

My H had a 5 month or so EA that I found out about on 6-13 dday (actually dnight as I found out at 11pm). Anyhow we have decided to work things out and most of the time everything is fine - for him....for me not so much. I can't bring anything up with out him rolling his eyes and getting an attitude and saying things like "we've been over this already" or "I already answered that".

I'm not getting much help on his end and seem to feel like I am in this all alone (hench my user name). So yesterday I wrote him a letter. Here it is:

_H,
I need to get things off my mind and chest.

1st and foremost I have forgiven you!

I'm just having a hard time believing that your sorry for what you did. I feel that your sorry you got caught. If I hadn't caught you you would still be doing it plain and simple as that!

You said that you don't think it would have gone any further. I don't believe that either. How can you justify that statement when you took steps to start the A to begin with? If you had any conscious you wouldn't have done any of it. If you loved me you would have stopped it in the beginning - you wouldn't have sexted, you would have gone to the local gas station to park, you wouldn't have had another woman's tongue down your throat. Plain and simple you wouldn't have made out!

You gave me the excuses of doing the A because of the house and my cleaning - I believe that is a cop-out! You need to look deep into yourself and figure out why you do this (as it is not the 1st time). You need to tell me the truth when you figure it out.

The truth of the matter is you can't profuse to love someone and just stop. Its not an emotiong that turns off. What happens when you get upset, stressed or need a release? Will that "love" over come you again? will you start the A or a new A? 

I wish you could understant how this has affected me but you will NEVER know what this is like. My trust in you has been shatter. At this time I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you again. I don't know how to love you at this point. (I'm editing out a part here cuz it to personal).

I have asked you; I have told you that you need to fix this yet you do nother except act like old times that nothing is wrong. You need to do something to show me how your going to change. You must acknowledge that you cheated on me, show me some remorse, tell me how your going to repair this M.

I've had my say. I can move on for myself now. Just know that even if I'm not saying anything about your A doesn't mean that I don't think about it every day 24/7. At times I may be distant; it will be up to you to bring me back to you. I am done trying to save this M by myself! If you show no effort I will know we are done. I know we are done if this EVER happens again._

I felt so good after writing this. I thought now he will see. Boy was I wrong. You want to know the respone I got well this is it: "I don't know how its going to work if you keep calling me a liar".

So my question is now what? Sorry this took so long!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ummm... You call him a liar because he hasn't been 100% honest and he gets pissed off?!

Methinks he needs to get his head out of his ass and deal with the reality of what he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Your letter is great. My only tentative suggestion is your first sentence saying you have forgiven him is not true. How can you forgive him when he clearly has not understood what he has done? As yet, he has no right to be forgiven.

Are you have counselling with him? If not, I would make that a condition of staying with him. If he rolls his eyes, you need to tell him that is not good enough. If he can't understand that then he is not doing any of the 'heavy lifting'. If he wants to stay with you he needs to understand that as being necessary. You are going to have to be strong here so he sees you are serious.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is still fogbound. The twit!


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Is it to much to have to man u love (at least) try and fight for u? He has ignored me i was gone for 3 hrs and no call, where r u, come home to talk. Nothing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

He is a liar, because he had an A. He was hiding it from you.

I dont think he is remorseful.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Are you sure he hasn't taken the affair underground?


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Idk...we just had talk and it was going well until he told me that i need to quit stalking her. All i did was look her up on fb to find out what the ow looked like. He defended her....im speechless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you didn't forgive him. How could you? He's not even sorry! And that's ok. But his unwillingness to talk about it tells me that he's not sorry or done with his affair. And the fact that he defended her solidifies my thoughts.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Defending the OW is a BIG red flag...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> Idk...we just had talk and it was going well until he told me that i need to quit stalking her. All i did was look her up on fb to find out what the ow looked like. He defended her....im speechless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR VOICE!!

Hear honey let me help you:

You betrayed me, you lied to me, therefore, if it takes you going over it every hour on the hour for the next 10 years you should be willing to do so.

I'm likely to call you a lair and a cheat. That's what you call people who lie and cheat. Reread statement one.

You don't get to defend a husband stealing w****, they are not worthy of being defended. I, on the other hand, am and you had better decide right now where you loyalties are going to be because they haven't been with me and that's gonna have to change. 

You will end all contact with her or I'm done. You will write the NC letter or I'm done. I won't be an extra in your little drama. Man up and fix this or grow some feet along with some b***s and leave.

Did that help?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR VOICE!!
> 
> Hear honey let me help you:
> 
> ...


This! :iagree::iagree:


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I am confused. He says he loves me that he chose to stay and work on our M but how r we suppose to move on if i keep bringing it up. Im reminding him all the time and he says he cant forget about it if i keep that up. Thank u all for ur posts. I am going to be bringing all ur advice up ti the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have to keep bringing it up until you're satisfied with what happened...and his answers. The way he's acting is NOT like a remorseful person.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You have to keep bringing it up until you're satisfied with what happened...and his answers. The way he's acting is NOT like a remorseful person.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I'm going to go a little of track from my origial post on Saturday, but still would like some advice.

I am having a hard time as of late thinking of what the other OW is like. How does she act, how did she get my H to notice her ect.... I can't seem to get HER out of my head. How do I do that? Is this normal. One minute I want to track her down and beat the s**t out of her the next minute I feel sick even thinking of meeting her. Help!!! Are there ways to get this out of my head?????


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> Idk...we just had talk and it was going well until he told me that i need to quit stalking her. All i did was look her up on fb to find out what the ow looked like. He defended her....im speechless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he is defending her, he is still in the fog. 

It is normal for the BS to want to know everything about the OW or OM. 

I bet she asked lots of questions about you and your spouse answered them willingly. 

In my case, my STBEH's OW was always asking questions about me, instigating negative comments, and questioning him about my looks. 

At least he never said anything negative about my looks, but he did allow her to lead him into saying other negative things about me and our marriage. 

She would do this by starting to whine about her own husband and then she would ask very specific questions about me as it pertained to similar situations she discussed about her husband. 

For example she complained he watched too much news, and she would ask if I watched the news and he would start mirroring her by then also complaining about me watching the news.

She would complain that he like to eat in a lot, and then ask my husband if I liked to eat out, he would complain that I did not and I don't, I prefer to cook.

The funny thing is during R, my STBEH never wanted to go out to dinner and claimed he liked my cooking. 

By then, given the affair, I had to wonder if he really liked my cooking and wanted to eat in or if he was just too cheap to take me to the same pricey restaurants he took the OW. 

Affairs make the BS suspicious about everything thereafter. I mean my STBEH treated this women like a queen, likely because she demanded to be treated like one. Her unsuspecting husband also treated her like a queen.

My point is, he likely answered all OW's questions about you and therefore how can he be annoyed that you are curious about her. 

IMO, it is very normal for you to ask questions about her and the affair.

I can understand why the cheater wants to keep the details secret though. They know they treat the OW better than the spouse.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> I'm going to go a little of track from my origial post on Saturday, but still would like some advice.
> 
> I am having a hard time as of late thinking of what the other OW is like. How does she act, how did she get my H to notice her ect.... I can't seem to get HER out of my head. How do I do that? Is this normal. One minute I want to track her down and beat the s**t out of her the next minute I feel sick even thinking of meeting her. Help!!! Are there ways to get this out of my head?????


I can speak from my own experience here. No. There is no set way to get her out of your head. My wife (Regret214) had an affair. I suffered mind movies so badly that it literally was debilitating at best. Now, 4 months later they have subsided a lot. I still get them, especially when triggered, but not as frequently.

For me, knowing the details actually helped. See, as the BS, my mind had all kinds of crap in it that didn't need to be there. It was only after full disclosure of what actually happened that I was able to erase some of those movies. Others still haunt me, but again - they are less frequent.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It is hard to not bring it up in my opinion. Sometimes you need to vent because you are angry, want reassurance, etc. He has to be more patient with you. I still have moments 3 months after DD#2 that I feel angry all over again. You are still only 5 weeks in...are you guys in counselling, etc. 

As well do you know if anything was going on in the marriage...to draw him to someone else?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> I'm going to go a little of track from my origial post on Saturday, but still would like some advice.
> 
> I am having a hard time as of late thinking of what the other OW is like. How does she act, how did she get my H to notice her ect.... I can't seem to get HER out of my head. How do I do that? Is this normal. One minute I want to track her down and beat the s**t out of her the next minute I feel sick even thinking of meeting her. Help!!! Are there ways to get this out of my head?????


OMG...I could have written that. I have no idea what H's OW looked like and I would spend hours on the internet trying to find her on facebook, etc. to no avail. She lives overseas so chances are I will never know.

I think the same thing as you...what did they talk about it, what did she look like, what compliments did he say to her, what did she say to him, etc. etc.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Unfortunately I don't have to wonder, I know what the other woman looks like. I used to think about them being together all of the time. The movies in my head were unbearable. That doesn't happen as much any more. My biggest thing now is I know a lot of the stuff he said to her (and the awful things he said to me) and although he says he didn't really mean them, he was hurt and she added to it, I can't help but feel that he did mean some of it. That even if she did make it worse that there was a basis for it. 

It is horrible knowing how much I've always put into our marriage (although I do admit I have faults and made mistakes) and realizing what he still thought of me. Trouble is, I'm not sure what he thinks of me now. 

Oh great, now the tears start. Crap!


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

highwood said:


> OMG...I could have written that. I have no idea what H's OW looked like and I would spend hours on the internet trying to find her on facebook, etc. to no avail. She lives overseas so chances are I will never know.
> 
> I think the same thing as you...what did they talk about it, what did she look like, what compliments did he say to her, what did she say to him, etc. etc.


Thats all I've been doing for the past 24 - 48 hrs. What did she give him that I couldn''t? It puzzles me!!!! I can't explain it to my H......I can't put into words what I want to know and if i ask to much I come across as obsessive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Where's that letter that explains it so well?? I've gotta find that link and put it somewhere easy to find


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> Unfortunately I don't have to wonder, I know what the other woman looks like. I used to think about them being together all of the time. The movies in my head were unbearable. That doesn't happen as much any more. My biggest thing now is I know a lot of the stuff he said to her (and the awful things he said to me) and although he says he didn't really mean them, he was hurt and she added to it, I can't help but feel that he did mean some of it. That even if she did make it worse that there was a basis for it.
> 
> It is horrible knowing how much I've always put into our marriage (although I do admit I have faults and made mistakes) and realizing what he still thought of me. Trouble is, I'm not sure what he thinks of me now.
> 
> Oh great, now the tears start. Crap!


I am so sorry!!!! I didn't want u to cry. My H says they only talked about the kids....i dont by that after seeing the text messages and the making out he admitted to so i guess my mind is being over active.....fillung in my own pictures and conversations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He should be willing to answer every question you have a thousand times if that's what you need. If he won't do that he isn't remorseful.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

highwood said:


> It is hard to not bring it up in my opinion. Sometimes you need to vent because you are angry, want reassurance, etc. He has to be more patient with you. I still have moments 3 months after DD#2 that I feel angry all over again. You are still only 5 weeks in...are you guys in counselling, etc.
> 
> As well do you know if anything was going on in the marriage...to draw him to someone else?


No I was happily blinded in my love for him. I did start to notice small things a couple wks b/4 I actually looked as phone and verified. His reasons where because of $, taking care of the house and my cleaning skill are not up to his expections.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Baby don't worry about the crying, it happens. 

I'm so pi**ed off for you right now. All they talked about was the kids? Really? I don't buy that. The kids? How did that work...

"Yep, Billy is one great ball player and Jessica is doing wonderfully at dance. " " Wow, that gets me going!" "Me too!" commence making out.

No baby I don't buy it and what you need are all of the facts. When you get them it is horrible, I won't lie. But, it is sooooo much better than what you could make up in your head.

He needs to stop whitewashing. If he wants you to stop obsessing it is the only way that will happen.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ohsoalone said:


> His reasons where because of $, taking care of the house and my cleaning skill are not up to his expections.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


These are EXCUSES, not reasons. There is no REASON except that he's a liar and a cheat. Period. You will drive yourself bonkers looking for more. Bonkers.

Has he not given you access to all his emails, texts, phone records, bank accounts, etc etc etc etc etc??? If not, demand it now, and don't let him get on there and delete anything - he gives you the passwords as you are at the keyboard and you go and look right then and there and he does NOT leave the room.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I can speak from my own experience here. No. There is no set way to get her out of your head. My wife (Regret214) had an affair. I suffered mind movies so badly that it literally was debilitating at best. Now, 4 months later they have subsided a lot. I still get them, especially when triggered, but not as frequently.
> 
> For me, knowing the details actually helped. See, as the BS, my mind had all kinds of crap in it that didn't need to be there. It was only after full disclosure of what actually happened that I was able to erase some of those movies. Others still haunt me, but again - they are less frequent.


HOW???? How do I ever know if I have the full story. After our talk on Sat I asked him point blank if he told me everything .....that in 2 wk or 2 months or a yr from now that I wint find out something new. He said he told me all he can think of. Or his reply was "as far as i know ive told u everything". Does this confusion ever go away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> Baby don't worry about the crying, it happens.
> 
> I'm so pi**ed off for you right now. All they talked about was the kids? Really? I don't buy that. The kids? How did that work...
> 
> ...


THANK YOU!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's not so much that you ever think you've gotten the full story, but it gets to the point where you are pretty sure he's telling you everything that he can. The rest? You have to let it go. It seems impossible right now, but you WILL get to that point.

If he is truly remorseful. If he won't give you access to anything you want and tell you anything you want and do everything that a remorseful spouse does, then you never WILL get the whole story.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> It's not so much that you ever think you've gotten the full story, but it gets to the point where you are pretty sure he's telling you everything that he can. The rest? You have to let it go. It seems impossible right now, but you WILL get to that point.
> 
> If he is truly remorseful. If he won't give you access to anything you want and tell you anything you want and do everything that a remorseful spouse does, then you never WILL get the whole story.


He lets me see his phone any time I want. I have checked the computer and have found nothing. He isnt on fb so i dont have to worry bout that. I can only take him at his word right now on how sry he is. He jas been showing me a heck of a lot of attention lately. He just wants to move on! I wish it was that easy for me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

It's your timetable- not his. period.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal like this. Don't let him rush your healing. You heal at YOUR pace, not his. If he's truly remorseful, then he will do the heavy lifting for that long. Frankly, he just wants to move on, and that smacks of rugsweeping.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hmm

I hate this ****, this situation that these b***ards put us in.

I am trying to be gentle here but really you have got to get a grip - understand with exactly the type of person you are dealing with.

Us Betrayed spouses are also in a fog too. Don't forget the fog where we know them and want to see only the good bits (that they've every now and again given us) inbetween the repeated affairs (You did say this is not the first time did'nt you?)

If you did not know this person as your husband what would you think or say about him? You need to maybe think hard about that and come up with that conclusion and start from there.

The person you are with is comfortable in taking you to the proverbial infidelity cleaners riding out the storm getting back in your favour and then what!? DOING IT AGAIN.

What he's pissed at this time is you going past the date where HE feels you should have shut up and let him plan his next venture.

I'd venture to suggest like in nearly every story on here and in my life has happened he will never ever change.

There is no time scale on this for the betrayed - it's never. It's only you find some way of putting it to the side - you will never ever forget it or the details of it 

Like my wife, stbxw, he's a cake eater and maybe its about time the cake eaters ate some Sh**


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Where's that letter that explains it so well?? I've gotta find that link and put it somewhere easy to find


What letter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> HOW???? How do I ever know if I have the full story. After our talk on Sat I asked him point blank if he told me everything .....that in 2 wk or 2 months or a yr from now that I wint find out something new. He said he told me all he can think of. Or his reply was "as far as i know ive told u everything". Does this confusion ever go away?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What you speak of is called trickle truth. It is extremely difficult and hurts worse than the truth itself. I wrote a thread called The Big Bang Theory of Infidelity where I basically said that you can only go back in time so far and then all sense breaks down.

The confusion may go away only after full and complete disclosure. And even then, you may have doubt for a while whether even that is the absolute end of the truth. It is a paradox. Unfortunately.

I'm so sorry.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> What you speak of is called trickle truth. It is extremely difficult and hurts worse than the truth itself. I wrote a thread called The Big Bang Theory of Infidelity where I basically said that you can only go back in time so far and then all sense breaks down.
> 
> The confusion may go away only after full and complete disclosure. And even then, you may have doubt for a while whether even that is the absolute end of the truth. It is a paradox. Unfortunately.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


Thank u for ur response. I am happy to be on this site. It makes my emotions legit that im not going crazy! I feel like ive found a wayward family so to speak. With really suckie circumstances!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> It makes my emotions legit that im not going crazy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is an extremely real and valid point because quite often and most times, we as the betrayed are gaslighted and truly made to question ourselves and our beliefs. I hate to admit that my wife, Regret, did this too. I sincerely think it is one of the lowest forms of abuse. 

That said, I am glad that you may have found some form of peace knowing you are NOT going crazy. I will say, though - be patient with yourself. Emotions right now are raw and possibly not fully controllable. Be present with your self.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

A new question(s)....when is it to late to tell the OWs H about the PA? This last weekend I verified throu my H who she was and now know who to call. 

Also what do I say? Do I just blurt it out, do I identify myself, or my H, what details do I offer him? Im not even sure if I should call....any ideas or help will be appreciated!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Your situation is so very similar to mine. And I am sorry you are dealing with it. 

My wife seems to want to rugsweep her affair and move on... but I'm not willing to let that happen. We're moving forward, slowly. I don't actually know if she is truely remorseful or not.

Just try to do what is right for you. I wish I could offer you some more advice... but I am where you are.

Maybe read the book "NOT Just Friends".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Defending the OW is a BIG red flag...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have let my fiance know that I have seen quite a bit of information about his EA online, not just Facebook but also meetup when each profile for each meetup club carried a LOT of information about that member's activities.

ETA: She joined a diet club so this is where I learned that she wanted "to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds" before she turned 30

He has never once told me that I was wrong / paranoid / need to get out more / or any other pithy little insult.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> A new question(s)....when is it to late to tell the OWs H about the PA? This last weekend I verified throu my H who she was and now know who to call.
> 
> Also what do I say? Do I just blurt it out, do I identify myself, or my H, what details do I offer him? Im not even sure if I should call....any ideas or help will be appreciated!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On a PA, I don't feel there's any kind of statute of limitations. The way I did it was through email. I simply sent her something like this: "Hi BS, this is Dig, Regret's husband. You and I need to talk about your husband and her sleeping together."

It was that simple. Unfortunately, the xOM intercepted this email and replied to me as if he were his BS!!! Yes...true story! He said, "I'm going to work on my family, please respect this." Basically saying don't contact me again. Well, I'm kind of, well...how do I put it? Oh. Smart. Maybe with a sprinkle of conniving. So, I waited a little over a month and sent another email that said "I hope he told you how many times they f'd on your basement couch and spare bedroom."

Well...SHE got that one. And xOM got the boot out the door. She later sent me another email saying "I was told it was at your house a few times and 1 hotel." I replied with the ENTIRE 5 year affair details. All of them.

Of course, I lost a few friends over that because they sided with the xOM since he was kicked out of his house. They actually blame ME for his divorce. Never mind his deception and lying after the fact.

Do what's in your heart. I only give you my experience as an insight as to what happened in Regret and my stuff.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No limit at all. The OWH has a perpetual right to know.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

This is sad. From the letter I assume he just "made out" with her? I must say, that if I ever were to cheat, I would never meet the woman JUST to make out.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> A new question(s)....when is it to late to tell the OWs H about the PA? This last weekend I verified throu my H who she was and now know who to call.
> 
> Also what do I say? Do I just blurt it out, do I identify myself, or my H, what details do I offer him? Im not even sure if I should call....any ideas or help will be appreciated!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another angle on this--the OWH is a second set of eyes. And he might have information YOU don't have.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey, just read through your whole thread. First off, I don't believe you have the whole story and i don't believe your husband is one bit remorseful. The whole get over it schtick and defending the OW are BIG red flags. It's good he FINALLY told you who it is, but I'm wondering if he didn't tell you, because OW threatened to talk to you or something. He may want to spin this.

Yes, absolutely tell the OW's H. First, it's the humane, decent thing to do. He has a right to know. And second, as Iheart said, it will give you a second set of eyes. To both end the affair and look for signs of it starting up again. 

As for the phone "transparency", I hate to be cynical, but if he's taken it underground (that would explain the defensiveness), he's probably got another cell phone. Maybe a pay as you go one. 

Check the money trail, or do Free Credit Report & History | FreeCreditReport.com® Official and check his credit rating. That will reveal credit cards or PO boxes or bank accounts you might not know about. I think EVERY BS should do a credit check on their cheater. A lot cheaters have slush funds, but of course, a lot of them are sloppy too. 

As to the mind movies, what does she look like, is she better than me? nightmares -- maybe this will help Dear Chump Lady, Is she prettier?


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Dig i did mistake my abbrivation earlier it was an EA sry for the confussion!!!! 

CJS...yea it was only "kissing" at a local gas station. In my eyes it making out! Along with the sexting and lovey dovey crap that i read on his phone.

Supposedly she has already moved out but idk if its fact. I have tried to call and no answer....i am actually scared to call and i dont know why this is. I wish I could put a big sign on her back that says : im a **** i like to pick up married men.

Im still not sure what to say if i get ahold of XOWH?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

You don't know if it was only kissing, just like you don't know if she left her husband. Cheaters lie. In fact you cannot cheat on someone unless you lie to them. 

Please treat everything he tells you with a lot of skepticism right now. 

Also, I would worry if she really left her husband. She may be amping up a play for yours. Which is why your H is "coming clean" -- to do damage control.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

ohsoalone said:


> Dig i did mistake my abbrivation earlier it was an EA sry for the confussion!!!!
> 
> CJS...yea it was only "kissing" at a local gas station. In my eyes it making out! Along with the sexting and lovey dovey crap that i read on his phone.
> 
> ...


I posted earlier in this thread, trust me right now it was not ever "only kissing". They all use that to the letter

They all say "I've never had sex whilst in this marriage" and start to think a blow job is "not sex" that licking nipples is non sexual 
fingers in orifices suddenly only apply to non sexual activity. Their definition of the word sex takes on new and incredibly limited meanings (to fit whatever the latest lie is) 

Honestly these days I cant help laughing at these ones.

No as I said earlier you really need to get a grip of this. He's fking you around big time and one way of shaking up the 'infidelity tree' is to immediately tell tOWH. You'll quickly know about how remorseful he will, will not be, when that info kicks in. 

(and frankly you will for a few seconds enjoy the fact that you've just brought her life kicking and screaming into the hell you are living right now)

He's still reliant on your being confused being loyal not wanting to see the reality of this of you being in the BS 'fog'

I have to say once your BS fog lifts you will be seeing everything in an entirely different light and you will remember that day forever and start making decisions on a completely different basis.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Im back....sad to say! I was wondering if anyone could offer some insite to what happened this weekend. I was let go from my job on Friday and I got to thinking I would go to meet my husband after he got done with work. Well when I pulled in i saw that my H and the OW parked by each other (ok starting to get smoke out my ears). Next they walked out together talking....well i lost it! I yelled & screamed while slapping him...when i got done with him i went for ow...hitting and slapping and calling her a s**t and ska*k.....(i hit her so hard i bursed my own hand). Do i feel better? No....i am more confused then ever. He says he has had nothing to do with her it just HAPPENED on that day. I havent seen any other proof that he is still continuing this EA but I feel as i am back 4 mo ago on DDay. 
I guess I just need to vent because I have noone to really talk to about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

He's lying. Sorry. He is still involved with her. He needs to go NC and never talk to her again. If he isn't willing to quit and find a new job your marriage is doomed.

Take this from someone whose divorce will be final next week...STBXH never quit the job where he worked with OW for the past 5 yrs. It is a little longer of a story why we are getting divorced now (another EA with a different woman) but him working with the OW#1 for years totally ate away at my trust for him...sucks...

Sorry to hear you are in this situation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have him take a polygraph test this week. Meanwhile you need to finally contact the OWH.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Oh I did contact the OW husband. We had a long talk. This is not the 1st time for the OW. I actually feel bad as I went to him in anger; once I calmed down and spoke with him for a while; he was a very nice man who was heartbroken and believed me even thou I had no evidence. He told me he will look for evidence on his side and let me know what he finds. I have put a VAR in my H's truck today and shall see what that shows. I am hoping for the best and will not hear anything!


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

With me now out of a job it is not finacially possible for him to quit his job....Can this actually work if he stays?? Can someone that was in an EA ever get passed it if they work together? I know that she is still "in love"....I seen that Friday.. She was trying to my friend and saying that I had nothing to worry about. That She hasn't won yet.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

First of all, I am so sorry your husband had an affair. Not your fault. You deserved more.

You really want to keep your marriage and snap your husband out of it? LEAVE HIM! Take the kids and get out. Tell him to get bent and that your lawyer will be contacting him soon. Tell him that for him to have an affair and now treat you like this because you are hurting is not acceptable. 

For sure, if you don't react strongly and swiftly to his behavior towards you and in reference in his affair you are going to be posting a whole lot more on TAM and that is a guarantee.

What is he talking about that he had the affair because of the house and your cleaning? Regardless, there is no reason to make out with anyone while you are married. What a putz.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Falene, Those r the 2 reasons he gave me for the affair. We didn't have any issues in the bed room (2x a wk or more and yes sometimes less), we went out on "dates", we goofed around like teenagers...this came out of left field and those where the reasons why he had an EA....he felt he was married to the house and I don't clean enough.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ohsoalone said:


> Falene, Those r the 2 reasons he gave me for the affair. We didn't have any issues in the bed room (2x a wk or more and yes sometimes less), we went out on "dates", we goofed around like teenagers...this came out of left field and those where the reasons why he had an EA....he felt he was married to the house and I don't clean enough.


No man ever had an affair because their wife didn't clean enough.


He had the affair because the OW is the sort of woman who is a serial cheater and she likely made herself very available and open for an affair with him. She gave him huge amounts of attention and ego boosting compliments etc, 

And then he had the affair because he chose to. He had the affair because he figured he could and because she made it super easy for him. He had to do no work, deal with no hard problems, all he had to do was choose to go along and joint the fantasy world.

He s going to have to find a new job before you can hope to really end the affair. She will just keep coming around him like a cat in heat otherwise.


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