# Can this be saved??



## chanover (Aug 8, 2017)

My wife of 14 years has really gotten into local theater for the past couple of years, which means she has been gone a lot while I watch the two kids. We have drifted apart and she blames me for yelling and name calling, which is unfortunately true. I have resent the fact that she parties with her new friends in "running lines" or cast parties. Her anger at me has grown to the point where she said she wanted me to get someone else pregnant so that she could divorce me. I wanted to work things out, so we are going to a marriage counselor. The counselor told me my wife was 99% out the door and I had to focus on me to make the marriage work. It was hard to believe I let things get so out of hand.

I then had some suspicions that things were not adding up, so I checked her phone (which she guards). I feel bad for doing it, but she always denied things when I confronted her and I felt she was hiding something. I found a lot of evidence of emotional cheating with several guys, but do not think she has had sex. I confronted her with this yesterday (I know, stupid idea) and she said she was sorry. However today she said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this. I don't know where to go this week, but you said something about wanting to stay together for the kids. I don't want that to be the reason you're with me. You're 50% done. I can sleep on the couch until I have an actual place to go." We later talked on the phone and I explained that I'm 100% committed to saving the marriage and it's not about the kids, however, I don't think that's going to make the difference.

Is there anything I can do to save this marriage?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Nope. You're beating your head against a brick wall. Stop doing that, grow a set, and file for D.

Oh, and get STD tested too. Chances are she's done more than just message with other guys.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

she is blaming shifting you...she is cheating (EA) but still cheating...expose expose expose....also don't move out...as long as your name is on the rent or mortgage...and oh yeah tell her to get a job because you are not going to keep her in theater the rest of her life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes there is something that you can do.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book has a plan for you to follow. Do what the book says. 

While your wife might not be in a physical affair yet, she's so close that the book definitely applies. And don't let her see you reading the book.

She is going to have to give up the theater thing. It will take you time to convince her of that. Again follow the book.

I know you feel bad for snooping, but at this point you have no choice but to do some snooping because it's the only way you will find out what you need to know. 

If she does come back to the marriage, get the two books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below). The idea is that the two of you read the book and do what they say to do. They help you restructure your marriage to make it affair proof... and the rebuild the love and passion.

You might want to read those two books on your own after the Surviving and Affair book because they will give you a lot of insight. Then read them again with her and do the work with her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@chanover, have you ever tried to push a rope?

The single best thing you can do right now is show her that you love yourself too much to share her. File, have her served, expose her activities to loved ones, and go dark.

Your attitude should be this, communicated to your wife.

"The only thing worse than losing you is sharing you, so I am filing for divorce. It isn't what I want, but you have left me no choice. Divorce can be stopped, but every day that you insist on contacting other men reduces the likelihood of me stopping this process."

When she complains about things you do, simply tell her:

"Wife, conversations about improving relationships are for couples who are all in. Since you are not all in, discussing is pointless. When that changes, let me know."

Then keep moving towards divorce until she demonstrates remorse.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Usually, when a woman is done, she's done.

You might be able to sway her to stay 'for the kids,' but that' not exactly what a happy or successful marriage looks like.

If that's what you're willing to settle for, that's about all you're going to get. Sorry.


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