# Hello from a family isolated by son's autism



## m00nman

Hi, 

I'm a 46 year old US Navy veteran and college graduate and I've been married for 16 years (together for 21 years) to a girl I've been with since college and used to have lots of fun together with. Her career took off, mine sputtered and instead of going back into the service I ended up taking odd jobs to contribute financially. 

11 years ago we had a son and we opted to save money on daycare by having me work from home whenever our little one would allow. Well, two years in he was subsequently diagnosed with autism. As the years have gone by his behaviors have become severe enough that he is both a flight risk and out of his frustration he is often a danger to himself and others. He requires constant supervision and on holidays and weekends it can be a 24 hour a day job. The stress has taken its toll on not only our core family of 4 - we had another son 8 years ago - but with extended family, friends and neighbors. Apart from school, we have no support to lend a hand. 

At one point my wife had tearfully reached her limit and though we are still together, things have cooled between she and I considerably. I'm still the at home parent but my role has shifted more to being on call or an advocate should my son cause trouble at his school as well as pulling the domestic chores. Meanwhile my wife's career has progressed into middle management - with all the demands to her time outside of normal business hours that come with her status, meaning that she is often unattainable. 

At home she has taken more of an "overseer" role as well. I've been referred to as the "third child" when I fail to meet expectations and am instead viewed as being over involved with my hobbies or playing video games. Meanwhile, she enjoys the freedom to socialize with friends and colleagues - sometimes even taking mini vacations - while I stay home, because I have been unable to procure a qualified sitter. It has caused tension over the past 5 years. We've rarely even slept in the same bed; I have been wrecking my back on a twin bed in my elder son's room instead and dealing with multiple late night wakings. 

Through the course of therapies regarding our son's autism it was suggested that we seek couples counseling and respite - but it has been a monumental task because of lack of resources or headbutting with insurance. I often wonder if I am fighting an inevitable outcome where our family becomes torn asunder under the strain. My hopes lie in the goal that I get a helper so that I can shift focus to my other son - and hopefully my marriage as well.


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## tom67

Contact a guy on facebook he's a radio guy in the Chicago area who has a 22 yr old autistic son here is his fb page.

https://www.facebook.com/dan.mcneil.75?fref=ts


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## Spotthedeaddog

You are no longer her brave providing soldier.
She has the nice job, good social contacts, good income and prospects.
Why would she sleep/get a sexual-sale with the nanny?


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## EleGirl

Have you looked into local autism support groups?

How about forums frequented by other parents in your situation?

I just checked on Find your people - Meetup where I live. There is a local support group listed on there. You could check the site for groups in your area.

Clearly, having child with autism is a very hard thing to deal with. It apparently has a very negative affect on many families.


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## jorgegene

Welcome to you friend. Hope you find wisdom and solice within these forums.


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## Sparta

Hey buddy first off sorry that you are having multiple family issues. Truly sorry about your son's situation. Your wife ...That is a whole different matter. She's living the life of Riley. Most relationship were the woman is the breadwinner, these marriage never seem to work out. Your wife has lost all respect for you. just on the matter at hand that she is The breadwinner. Your wife seems to be having affair. Your wife marriage doesn't seem to work very well in her executive lifestyle. your son's condition that requires around the clock supervision, and her husband lack of motivation, oh boy could only imagine all the lies and rewriting of history of the marriage she Spreading around work. She gets to abandoned her family whenever she damn will pleases. If she is really so unhappy with the marriage. why doesn't she just divorce you. I'm sure she understands If she were to divorce you. You would benefit financially, she's well aware that it would hit her hard...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## m00nman

Thanks for the welcome,

Yes, we have sought support. Support groups with peers are really just venting sessions so we've steered clear of them. We've had professional family based therapy and they suggested that we obtain a home health aide to help manage our so so that I am able to focus on other things - including setting up couples counseling with my wife. I've been negotiating with our insurance to approve such a service but it's not something normally covered and we can't hook up with the agency we know provides specialized care that we need because it's "out of network" and "not medically necessary" because my son's condition is "behavioral" in nature; it's not as if he has epilepsy. 

Meanwhile, my wife has claimed to be depressed. I cannot dispute that, I've seen her break down and cry during stressful moments. When her parents moved away for retirement 7 years ago she took it badly. When our son was first diagnosed she actually took it much better than I, but when he started becoming a danger to himself and family started distancing themselves from us she reached a personal limit. Now she finds it overwhelming.


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