# Reflecting on 30 Years since "I Do"



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Yesterday, my wife and I had a most marvelous 30th Anniversary. I guess that qualifies as long term success in marriage. Over a cozy, romantic 5-course dinner taking the entire evening, we reminisced about our three plus decades together. We replayed the movie of our lives verbally back and forth to each other and relished every minute of it. 

Despite our success, I’m generally not one to prescribe for others as everyone is different, and even moreso, every combination of two is even more different. But I will share a few things which may be somewhat universal. 

First, we both chose well. How much of that was wisdom and how much of that was luck, it’s impossible to say. Given that we married at 22/23 years old, it would be hard to claim either of us had amassed the wisdom of the ages. But we both were not keen on rug-sweeping red flags. She had one LTR prior to me and it went poorly, and she learned from the experience. While my one previous LTR was not fraught with difficulty, I learned from it as well. 

The one big key that I think is the overarching umbrella of our success is the fact that we both were, and have always been, 100% committed to putting the marriage at the center of our lives. We, like any couple, have had a good deal of conflict, but whenever it happened, we both gravitated to putting the marriage first. This union that lay at the nexus of our two otherwise separate existences was always to be fed, nurtured, and protected. We stuck with that theme very well throughout. 

On a related note, we have both always been willing to adapt to each other, but without abandoning who we are—and we have been able to accept each other, even when we differ. Each of us strives to find joy in the other, but we have never relied on the other for our own happiness. We share some interests, and have other interests the partner shares not at all. We put common interests at the center of our relationship, but allow each other the opportunity to indulge the non-common interests, completely guilt or pressure-free. Balance is the key. Balance in all things—balance between the individual and the couple, balance between doing our own thing and doing our together thing. 

One other key is our nearly identical approaches to handling money. We are both naturally frugal. We spent many years building financial security before really letting our hair down and enjoying the fruits of our labor. That is not the right approach for everyone, but it was for the both of us and we were in it together; it ultimately facilitated our bonding to an even higher degree. (and it’s not like we were really depriving ourselves in the early years—we enjoyed a number of activities and had a rockin’ good time together even without living the high life)

I could grouse about the bumps in the road or the relatively minor differences we’ve never fully resolved, but that would completely miss the point. Overall, it has been a wonderfully successful ride, and I look forward to how we will grow even more over the next 30 years.


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## Emerging Buddhist




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## MJJEAN

Congratulations!


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## Satya

*Re: Reflecting on 30 Years since &amp;quot;I Do&amp;quot;*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Yesterday, my wife and I had a most marvelous 30th Anniversary. I guess that qualifies as long term success in marriage. Over a cozy, romantic 5-course dinner taking the entire evening, we reminisced about our three plus decades together. We replayed the movie of our lives verbally back and forth to each other and relished every minute of it.
> 
> Despite our success, I’m generally not one to prescribe for others as everyone is different, and even moreso, every combination of two is even more different. But I will share a few things which may be somewhat universal.
> 
> First, we both chose well. How much of that was wisdom and how much of that was luck, it’s impossible to say. Given that we married at 22/23 years old, it would be hard to claim either of us had amassed the wisdom of the ages. But we both were not keen on rug-sweeping red flags. She had one LTR prior to me and it went poorly, and she learned from the experience. While my one previous LTR was not fraught with difficulty, I learned from it as well.
> 
> The one big key that I think is the overarching umbrella of our success is the fact that we both were, and have always been, 100% committed to putting the marriage at the center of our lives. We, like any couple, have had a good deal of conflict, but whenever it happened, we both gravitated to putting the marriage first. This union that lay at the nexus of our two otherwise separate existences was always to be fed, nurtured, and protected. We stuck with that theme very well throughout.
> 
> On a related note, we have both always been willing to adapt to each other, but without abandoning who we are—and we have been able to accept each other, even when we differ. Each of us strives to find joy in the other, but we have never relied on the other for our own happiness. We share some interests, and have other interests the partner shares not at all. We put common interests at the center of our relationship, but allow each other the opportunity to indulge the non-common interests, completely guilt or pressure-free. Balance is the key. Balance in all things—balance between the individual and the couple, balance between doing our own thing and doing our together thing.
> 
> One other key is our nearly identical approaches to handling money. We are both naturally frugal. We spent many years building financial security before really letting our hair down and enjoying the fruits of our labor. That is not the right approach for everyone, but it was for the both of us and we were in it together; it ultimately facilitated our bonding to an even higher degree. (and it’s not like we were really depriving ourselves in the early years—we enjoyed a number of activities and had a rockin’ good time together even without living the high life)
> 
> I could grouse about the bumps in the road or the relatively minor differences we’ve never fully resolved, but that would completely miss the point. Overall, it has been a wonderfully successful ride, and I look forward to how we will grow even more over the next 30 years.


 @Rocky Mountain Yeti, thank you for sharing, you give me some added confidence that Odo and I will endure. I already feel very strongly that we will, as we share many of the qualities you mentioned in your post. I like what you said about balance - I completely agree. 

The difference is I was 34 and he was 49 when we met, and we'd both been married once before so came into the relationship "highly educated."

Health and safety permitting, I hope that some day I can say we have enjoyed 30 good years together. That would make me quite proud and happy.


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## urf

*Re: Reflecting on 30 Years since &amp;quot;I Do&amp;quot;*

As i slide toward my 51st anniversary all I can say to you is BRAVO! Well done. From you post I see many of the tendencies and habitual behaviors that make my relationship such a happy one. 

To be with my best friend is the best feeling. Luck? Maybe. Not hard work though... more like a labor of love.


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## aine

Well done and wishing you many more happy years.

I think the key was 'putting the marriage at the centre of your lives'


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## Steve1000

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> First, we both chose well. How much of that was wisdom and how much of that was luck, it’s impossible to say.


Both are definitely required. Congratulations on a nice life you've been enjoying... your marriage plus you're in proximity to great snow skiing.


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## SimplyAmorous

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Yesterday, my wife and I had a most marvelous 30th Anniversary. I guess that qualifies as long term success in marriage. Over a cozy, romantic 5-course dinner taking the entire evening, we reminisced about our three plus decades together. We replayed the movie of our lives verbally back and forth to each other and relished every minute of it.


 Loved this part... when you think about it.. aren't the memories we share, through the seasons of our lives, through the good times, also the challenging, still hand in hand, these memories become etched, they become a part of us, our bonding....there is this deep appreciation for each other.. 

We also married young like yourselves... a few yrs back .... we were strolling along at a Flea Market.. I came to this portrait... I got chocked up reading this...pulled him aside told him he had to buy that.. I didn't want the lady to see me all teary-eyed... what you said made me think of this saying... 












> First, we both chose well. How much of that was wisdom and how much of that was luck, it’s impossible to say. Given that we married at 22/23 years old, it would be hard to claim either of us had amassed the wisdom of the ages. But we both were not keen on rug-sweeping red flags. She had one LTR prior to me and it went poorly, and she learned from the experience. While my one previous LTR was not fraught with difficulty, I learned from it as well.
> 
> The one big key that I think is the overarching umbrella of our success is the fact that we both were, and have always been, *100% committed to putting the marriage at the center of our lives. *We, like any couple, have had a good deal of conflict, but whenever it happened, *we both gravitated to putting the marriage first.* *This union that lay at the nexus of our two otherwise separate existences was always to be fed, nurtured, and protected. We stuck with that theme very well throughout. *


 "Fed, nurtured & protected"... how important it is, to "water our own gardens" as they say...



> On a related note, we have both always been willing to adapt to each other, but without abandoning who we are—and we have been able to accept each other, even when we differ. Each of us strives to find joy in the other, but we have never relied on the other for our own happiness. We share some interests, and have other interests the partner shares not at all. We put common interests at the center of our relationship, but allow each other the opportunity to indulge the non-common interests, completely guilt or pressure-free. Balance is the key. Balance in all things—balance between the individual and the couple, balance between doing our own thing and doing our together thing.


 Your describing here sounds very balanced for a healthy couple ... sometimes I wonder if we are not balanced.. but its what we enjoy...there is still no pressure, also a feeling of freedom... still I can think of very few things we don't do together.. he's into coin collecting.. not really my thing...but I'll tag along to the shows, he takes off work for those...and I like an occasional rock concert - where my groups are a little too Heavy for his taste... but 90% of the time.. he'll go with me anyway... just the way it's always been... 



> One other key is our nearly identical approaches to handling money. *We are both naturally frugal.* We spent many years building financial security before really letting our hair down and enjoying the fruits of our labor. That is not the right approach for everyone, but it was for the both of us and we were in it together; it ultimately facilitated our bonding to an even higher degree. (and it’s not like we were really depriving ourselves in the early years—we enjoyed a number of activities and had a rockin’ good time together even without living the high life)


 We can sure relate to this... we both were sticklers about getting our house/ land paid off early on.. we never cared about the high life, there was comfort in knowing we had savings to fall back upon.. but we never skimped on our day trips or little family vacations every year.. those were a must...making those memories along the way.... Unfortunately we did deprive ourselves of the more Romantic get-aways when the kids were younger... THEN... Mid life hit.. something came over me... it was like "OMG this all went too fast [email protected]# Suddenly I just wanted to run off with him.. ditch the kids [email protected]#.... visited the Poconos 3 times, looked for cabins in the woods with hot tubs outside...stuff like that ... That Champagne Towers room at the Poconos would have been a dream on our Honeymoon, I did want to go there but honesty.. I was too cheap back then!! 












> I could grouse about the bumps in the road or the relatively minor differences we’ve never fully resolved, but that would completely miss the point. Overall, it has been a wonderfully successful ride, and I look forward to how we will grow even more over the next 30 years.


 Keep lovin' on each other... wish you many more years together...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SimplyAmorous said:


> Loved this part... when you think about it.. aren't the memories we share, through the seasons of our lives, through the good times, also the challenging, still hand in hand, these memories become etched, they become a part of us, our bonding....there is this deep appreciation for each other..
> 
> We also married young like yourselves... a few yrs back .... we were strolling along at a Flea Market.. I came to this portrait... I got chocked up reading this...pulled him aside told him he had to buy that.. I didn't want the lady to see me all teary-eyed... what you said made me think of this saying...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Fed, nurtured & protected"... how important it is, to "water our own gardens" as they say...
> 
> Your describing here sounds very balanced for a healthy couple ... sometimes I wonder if we are not balanced.. but its what we enjoy...there is still no pressure, also a feeling of freedom... still I can think of very few things we don't do together.. he's into coin collecting.. not really my thing...but I'll tag along to the shows, he takes off work for those...and I like an occasional rock concert - where my groups are a little too Heavy for his taste... but 90% of the time.. he'll go with me anyway... just the way it's always been...
> 
> 
> We can sure relate to this... we both were sticklers about getting our house/ land paid off early on.. we never cared about the high life, there was comfort in knowing we had savings to fall back upon.. but we never skimped on our day trips or little family vacations every year.. those were a must...making those memories along the way.... Unfortunately we did deprive ourselves of the more Romantic get-aways when the kids were younger... THEN... Mid life hit.. something came over me... it was like "OMG this all went too fast [email protected]# Suddenly I just wanted to run off with him.. ditch the kids [email protected]#.... visited the Poconos 3 times, looked for cabins in the woods with hot tubs outside...stuff like that ... That Champagne Towers room at the Poconos would have been a dream on our Honeymoon, I did want to go there but honesty.. I was too cheap back then!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Keep lovin' on each other... wish you many more years together...


Positively marvelous. Thanks for sharing. That last paragraph about hitting the day trips and family vacations but skimping of the just the two when the kids are young, but then wanting to go nuts at mid life--like looking in a mirror reading that.


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## john117

*Re: Reflecting on 30 Years since &amp;quot;I Do&amp;quot;*

Kind of difficult to find a frugal McMansion 😀 but there's something more than money that's the Great Wall between me and her. It's aspirations.

Thankfully we're both making excellent money and are relatively frugal but we're getting to the point of no return. In August it will be our 31st anniversary and there's a good chance it will be our last.

We thought we chose well. But it's hard to choose when you have zero Amazon reviews of similar products, so to speak (immediate family). The future is really what worries me, and it's all related to what I want to be doing in a few years. 

No hard feelings. I got two great daughters, a Mini Cooper, and an awesome cat out of the marriage. She got a McMansion full of nice things. We both accomplished great things career wise and education wise.

I hope we'll choose our next steps well. I'm way too old to put up with drama.

The example I gave should tell you that no matter how compatible you have been, you need to be in sync with your aspirations. Mine are experiencing places. Hers are experiencing things. A subtle difference that may not be obvious at a younger age.

Congratulations for making it so far! It's a journey, and a fun journey if you are both going the same place.


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## Cynthia

Happy anniversary. It's nice to see such a positive post here.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

*Re: Reflecting on 30 Years since &amp;quot;I Do&amp;quot;*



john117 said:


> Kind of difficult to find a frugal McMansion 😀 but there's something more than money that's the Great Wall between me and her. It's aspirations.
> 
> Thankfully we're both making excellent money and are relatively frugal but we're getting to the point of no return. In August it will be our 31st anniversary and there's a good chance it will be our last.
> 
> We thought we chose well. But it's hard to choose when you have zero Amazon reviews of similar products, so to speak (immediate family). The future is really what worries me, and it's all related to what I want to be doing in a few years.
> 
> No hard feelings. I got two great daughters, a Mini Cooper, and an awesome cat out of the marriage. She got a McMansion full of nice things. We both accomplished great things career wise and education wise.
> 
> I hope we'll choose our next steps well. I'm way too old to put up with drama.
> 
> The example I gave should tell you that no matter how compatible you have been, you need to be in sync with your aspirations. Mine are experiencing places. Hers are experiencing things. A subtle difference that may not be obvious at a younger age.
> 
> Congratulations for making it so far! It's a journey, and a fun journey if you are both going the same place.


Sorry to hear about the divergence (I know you've alluded to it on other threads, but this post adds quite a bit). Unfortunately, the split between having and doing seems to be a fairly common one between couples.


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## john117

The split can be overcome if there's no systemic issues in the marriage. If there are, I doubt it. The split may also exist due to ignorance. It took me moving to the USA to get my parents interested in traveling...


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## Blondilocks

john117 said:


> The split can be overcome if there's no systemic issues in the marriage. If there are, I doubt it. The split may also exist due to ignorance. It took me moving to the USA to get my parents interested in traveling...


May came and went. June came and went. Now, you're talking celebrating your 31st anniversary in August. It won't be your last. I sincerely doubt you're going anywhere.

Don't forget - that cat isn't yours.


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## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> May came and went. June came and went. Now, you're talking celebrating your 31st anniversary in August. It won't be your last. I sincerely doubt you're going anywhere.
> 
> Don't forget - that cat isn't yours.


That cat is nobody's.

Cat's own themselves.


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## john117

Blondilocks said:


> May came and went. June came and went. Now, you're talking celebrating your 31st anniversary in August. It won't be your last. I sincerely doubt you're going anywhere.
> 
> Don't forget - that cat isn't yours.


The Mrs has agreed to counseling, for both of us, till year's end. We both trust the therapist and she knows us quite well. We have both agreed that if this doesn't work out we will go out separate ways. Should be an interesting few months.

Cat says hi.


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## Blondilocks

I truly hope the counseling will be beneficial for the two of you. You both could be having the time of your lives from now on.

Spoiled cat! Give him some lovin' for me. You are going to be absolutely heartbroken when your daughter reclaims him.


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## Blondilocks

Congratulations to @Rocky Mountain Yeti! You and your wife appear to have a wonderful sense of what really matters to make your marriage work. Good job!


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## john117

*Re: Reflecting on 30 Years since &quot;I Do&quot;*



Blondilocks said:


> I truly hope the counseling will be beneficial for the two of you. You both could be having the time of your lives from now on.
> 
> Spoiled cat! Give him some lovin' for me. You are going to be absolutely heartbroken when your daughter reclaims him.


I doubt we'll succeed. Long term success is all about resolving issues in real time, not waiting till the 11th hour for a Hail Mary to save the day.

The key is to be flexible and understanding, stuff easier done at year 5 than 25. Another "how to succeed" tidbit I guess.


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## Blondilocks

See how the counseling goes, john. If you make progress, you can approach your wife with the notion that the marriage of your youth is done. Children born and raised and fortune built. Time to build a marriage that will sustain you into the near future and retirement and you want that marriage to be with her. The two of you get to make a whole new life. That's exciting! Attitude adjustment on both of your parts. Good luck.


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