# Is there any hope?



## Paddy (Aug 7, 2015)

First post on here.

Been married 5 years (together 7) with 2 children 4 and 2. Out of the blue wife has said she no longer wants to be in the relationship. We have had difficulties as I work all the time and she is at home with children all the time and we have missed each other emotional and within. The relationship. I think we can make this work with time and effort but she has just given up.

Recently she went away on a hen do; and kissed another man (that is all) but then built up a text conversation with him over 2 weeks when she got back which I found out about and stopped straight away.


Wife says she's felt like this for a while and has given up on us.

Is there any hope? I love my wife and acknowledge my faults in this and we need to make more time for each other and start again; but I don't feel she will. Has just given up at the first major hurdle that we have hit and had all the issues brought up. She's telling everyone it's over and being negative all the time.

Any advice is great. What should I do? I don't want to give up but not got a lot of fight left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So she takes no responsibility in the decline of your relationship? in the affair ?
she is in a fog...time to pull the 180 completely on her.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Paddy said:


> Is there any hope?


Nope.

When a woman is done, she's done.

Learned that a loooong time ago.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

One cant give advice (except a negative one) unless you tell us a lot more about your marriage. How long has your wife been like this and how did it start.


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## Paddy (Aug 7, 2015)

Wife says she's felt like this for a while now months/years; but has never given me this impression would be sending messages how she loves me and does not want a future without me in it.

We had a whirlwind relationship from meeting married to having children. The sex is non-existent since she had the children and has no desire to be touched at all.

Biggest problems are the lack of sex and distance from each other. We have grown apart, but purely because life took over. I truly believe that if given a chance it may improve. But she says she has no feelings like that towards me but still loves me as a person and will tell me she loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paddy (Aug 7, 2015)

Do the 180 and do what? I'm just lost with it all now; whatever I do is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Xenote said:


> time to pull the 180 completely on her.


Doing the 180 will be pointless in this case, IMO. The wife has already checked out.




Paddy said:


> We have grown apart, but purely because life took over


Sounds like my 1st marriage.

Speaking from experience, the best thing you can do is divorce move on, learn from this mistake (the growing apart), and apply it to your next marriage.


Everyone needs to be married twice. One time to learn what not to do, the second time to get it right.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Paddy said:


> Do the 180 and do what? I'm just lost with it all now; whatever I do is wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No surprise there. What is it that she thinks you should be doing? Does it involve attention and compliments? Money and possessions?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Before any thing else, especially wining her back, rebuilding the marriage, etc,

Do not leave the home.

Do not let the kids leave.

Secure your financial position for what ever comes your way.

Have a firm plan in place for life after divorce or reconciliation. 

Read other threads. You will notice the term roller coastal used. By establishing a plan for these points you will avoid a lot of stress. Each of these points the people here can be an invaluable source of info.


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## Paddy (Aug 7, 2015)

Forest said:


> No surprise there. What is it that she thinks you should be doing? Does it involve attention and compliments? Money and possessions?


I don't have a clue; she says she has no affection or feelings for me; and doesn't want to be touched. But loves me as a person and will still say love you when on the phone. 

I don't know where distancing myself will make any difference if it's just things look bleak for her and this will help.

Or whether i'm just giving myself false hope and looking into things too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Paddy said:


> I don't have a clue; she says she has no affection or feelings for me; and doesn't want to be touched. But loves me as a person and will still say love you when on the phone.


Yeah, she's already letting the other man bang her like a storm door during a hurricane.

"I love you but not in love with you" is female codespeak for "another man is puncturing my cervix".

Check out and move on. You're deluding yourself with any other course of action.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Constable Odo said:


> Yeah, she's already letting the other man bang her like a storm door during a hurricane.
> 
> "I love you but not in love with you" is female codespeak for "another man is puncturing my cervix".
> 
> Check out and move on. You're deluding yourself with any other course of action.


Better move this to the CWI forum. Looks like an affair in progress to me. The typical ILYBINILWY speech is one of the red flags, so is the re-writing of the marital history. Time to find out who the OM is.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Is there any hope....for what? Your life has changed. There is no hope of going back to the old "normal". With only one partner vested in the relationship there is no hope for a marriage.

What was normal has gone away with your wife committing herself to another man. Her emotional affair (EA) or more likely PA has at the very least temporarily replaced you. My money is on PA and she's done.

What there is hope for is you. The 180 is for you and your emotional/physical/mental health. Do it. Separate yourself from a woman that would give herself to another man. Grow a great big fooking pair of balls and be you. You acknowledge that you messed up in the marriage. Don't mess this up. 

And listen to the advice your getting from a huge crowd of folks that really do care and have been in your shoes.

~ Passio


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> Doing the 180 will be pointless in this case, IMO. The wife has already checked out.


I don't understand this remark. That is EXACTLY when you do the 180. Improve yourself. Detach from this mess. Start living for you. The 180 has NOTHING to do with your spouse. It is 100% for you. The 180 saved my life and I didn't even START it until I knew she was gone for good.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

She is definitely having an affair. EA at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

My WAW came back after 10 months so it can happen. Weakness is unattractive so do not beg or plead or kiss-ass.

You need to drive all activities here. Demand a separation and demand that she move out without the kids. She cannot live the single lifestyle on your dime so drain your bank accounts and cancel the credit cards, immediately!

For the separation, dictate terms of marriage counseling, dating, money and visitation as well as how long it will last.

Get into counseling, it will save your life. Do the research on the 180 and I suggest you do it. Start living your life as if she is not going to be a part of it. When the relationship goes bad with the OM, she'll come running back to you so be aware. After about 120-180 days, she will either miss you and want to come back or be gone for good.

At that point, either R or file for divorce and focus on your kids and yourself.

Be strong, life is good out here brother,

Survive and thrive,
Stretch


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