# I cant seem to live up to his expectations



## undecided10 (May 18, 2010)

this is my first post in this truely amazing forum.
I have been married for 5 years now, have 2 kids ages 4 and 2 yrs old.
My marriage problems started earlier in our marriage. hes what seems to be a clean freak,and am totally the opposite.
I have tried so hard to change the way i do things around the house. But everytime its FAILURE!
He always complains regardless. like if i have done everything and the place is clean and all good he would still complain that am just sitting there for example watching tv or using the phone, he would be pissed as why arent you doing something useful ..
He works 5 days aweek. comes back to a clean place , tidy kids ( I TRY MY BEST to keep them clean all day long, but they are kids they like to play and get themselves dirty easily)
I prepare food also for the family.. he would come back eats .. kisses his kids and goes to play on ps3.
hes 34 am 24.
I started to feel like am in a class where there is always inspection. thats what always happens when hes around. He would comment about this and complain about that..
There are times he gets mad when its somthing so silly. Like the ice cubes tray.. he used it and took ice cubes there were only like 2 or three cubes left.He left it on the counter top and i wasnt payin attention, he comes yelling hes like I left it out for u to fill why isnt it filled. I would just laugh in his face like couldnt you do it yourself instead of fighting!!
Latest problem was yesterday, I had my friend over which happened to be his cousin. He came asked for something so i told him that he placed it not me but i think its in bla bla place.
He went into our bedroom.. opened the drawers and started thrawing things like he was pissed that the drawers werent organized enough. Its true they had papers that i left there til the next time i organize them and some stuff like my jeweleries.
I didnt complain but i felt very disrespectful that he had done such thing infront of his cousin.I mean we are supposed to be a team in front of people not give them a chance to find flaws in our relationship. I admit am not the neatest person alive but all i do all day long is sit home and cook and run after the kids. It might sound wierd but i dont go anywhere without him and since I dont work because my kids are young and he doesnt allow them to go to daycare, everytime i ask for money for something i need I get a list of questions why and for what bla bla,, hes so controlling.
so anyways I think I talk alot but i like to give details.
Back to yesterdays problem. I took him aside and am like why are you doing this infront of ppl .. you disrespected me.I also told him that I try so hard to be the way he wants but thats all i can come up with. I also told him that i cant live like that where i feel like am a stranger and being humiliated infront of people in my own house.
I called up my sister , dressed my kids and told him am sorry that I cant live up to ur standards. I am not the right person for you. but if you truly cared about me you shouldnt make a big deal about things like that.
He tells me dont do anything just sleep on it. 
But i took of my wedding ring and gave it to him and said am so sorry i cant do this anymore.
so ive been in my moms house with my kids since yesterday.

I really need feedbacks but I swear on my kids life i Try to be the best i can to him and everyone, all i get is people stepping on me and I feell like he treats me like a maid!!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

First off all I'm glad you left, to at least cool off and gather some perspective. Hopefully it gave him a chance to gather his thoughts as well. 

I don't think you need to be trying to live up to anyones expectations. It seems its something you will always be trying to do and probably will never be able to do it, how exhausting is that? He sounds like a child and a complainer. 

Maybe he has the "nothing will ever be good enough for me" syndrome. There fore he whines and complains. Throwing things out of the drawer is childish. I think you need to think about what you really want if this is something you feel you want to tackle as far as trying to save things with him. I would suggest MC or even some IC for you both. He needs to learn to let go of trying to have everything just right and to stop complaining. Most complainers are ungrateful people on the inside. They are not happy with what they have etc. Its also about control. 

Hopefully your husband got an eye opener when you left. However, if he isn't willing to try some counseling or even willing to make an effort to meet you half way on things then maybe you will have to make another choice. DO NOT let him tell you to sleep on it, or it will get better or he will do better etc, then his actions don't match his words. You will be able to tell if he wants to work on things or not.


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## undecided10 (May 18, 2010)

thanks trey69
For the support ..
You know My husband is all bout nothin is better enuf for him.
before I married Him i was in a very abusive relationship ( verbal )
and he made me get through it and his words made me stronger than ever until i took action on that relationship.Now it seems as if hes trying to always put me down. regardless of what i do, I see the look of surprise on his face when I stand up for myself like He never thought i would do it.
I admit its choices Ive made and reactions I got that got the best of me.

I am also happy that i had left, but i have this fear in my that hes gona be stubborn about this whole issue and never try to work on it until i initiate it.
I love him so much thats why am afraid of losing him. Also for my kids I cant stand when i see kids whos parents are separated I feel so bad, so i wouldnt want my kids in that situation.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"Also for my kids I cant stand when i see kids whos parents are separated I feel so bad, so i wouldnt want my kids in that situation". 

So you would rather have them see you unhappy? Have a mother and father who are there but don't get along or who are fighting etc? Remember kids learn what they see and hear. I'm not saying divorce is the answer by no means but sometimes staying isn't always the right one either.

However, you will have to decide at some point what you feel is best for you. I do believe in trying to work things out and try ALL things possible. I will say though, if its just one thats willing to work on things, well, chances are its slim its gonna work. You might want to at some point go to him and say, you are willing to work things out, and would like him to go to counseling with you. Make sure you let him know you want the marriage to work. (If you really do) You also need to let him know his behavior isn't acceptable. He needs boundaries and needs to know what is and isn't acceptable.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Undecided10,

It sounds as though you have left your verbal abusive relationship into a controlling one. 

Your husband is disrespectful to you infront of other people, and he has set some high expectations which you have to live up to, yet he does not help at all. It's a no win situation for you. He expects everything to be exactly how he wants it, and yet will not help at all, he doesn't seem to lift a finger, your example of the ice cube tray.

The other angle is that you are completely financially reliant on him since you are at home with the children.

There's also the child like tantrum of throwing things.

You need to set rules with him on what you will not accept, if he doesn't change then leave, it's not right for your children to see their mother being treated in this way. It would be a good idea for him to go counselling. 

Take care.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I am really glad you left. That sent him a clear message. You can drive that message home by what you DO from here on out. I wouldn't make a move to return to that home without sitting down with him in a neutral setting and telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. He's a control freak and it's really hard to live with people like that. Seriously...screaming at you over an ice tray? He doesn't see the ridiculousness of that. I would tell him that I'm staying at my mother's until he starts counseling. Marriage counseling as well. 
You have to send him a clear message that you're not going to put up with it. If you return home without him making any steps towards improvement, you're going to return to square one. 
I would read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. See if you see your husband in there.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i agree with MM, you really need to talk to him. hes putting you into a box, and thats not right. there is no perfect way to be or to act. kids are filthy things, and its ok. 

you shuldnt feel as though you are always on a stage and any moment you could be cancled. speak up and stand firm, not yelling or crying, but you tell him like an adult. in clear words. he will notice, and it will open a dialog.

just one point of view...just an idea...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

undecided10 said:


> thanks trey69
> For the support ..
> You know My husband is all bout nothin is better enuf for him.
> before I married Him i was in a very abusive relationship ( verbal )
> and he made me get through it and his words made me stronger


Or did he pick you up and supplant that guy with him in the place of better, more subtle abuser?




> than ever until i took action on that relationship.Now it seems as if hes trying to always put me down. regardless of what i do, I see the look of surprise on his face when I stand up for myself like He never thought i would do it.
> I admit its choices Ive made and reactions I got that got the best of me.
> 
> I am also happy that i had left, but i have this fear in my that hes gona be stubborn about this whole issue and never try to work on it until i initiate it.


So initiate it. Why not? Someone has to.



> I love him so much thats why am afraid of losing him. Also for my kids I cant stand when i see kids whos parents are separated I feel so bad, so i wouldnt want my kids in that situation.


Better separated than watching mom be a door mat to some guy.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Let's see your oldest is 4, which means you had her when you were 20, which means you got preggo at 19 around the time you got married, which means you got engaged at 18, but it also means you coulda met you at 17. And that's the best scenario by going year by year. So he was 27, messing with a 17 year old? See i'm not coming at you for the age difference, i'm putting myself in the shoes of how he sees you. You were a young buck to him, and when guys are 10 years older than a teen, they think they can run sh\t, and he probably did for the first couple years. You were young and naive, and probably took a back seat to things because you were so happy to be with an older mature (not really mature) guy. 

When i was 22, i had a 17 year old in love with me would of done ANYTHING i told her to, as long as we coulda been together. But i couldn't do it, so i moved on because of our age difference. He's probably been getting over on you from the start, so i am glad you stepped up and made a stern decision. Many women don't do this and wonder why a decade later that their marriage is in ruins. As for the kids, like VT said, would you rather your daughter watch mommy get pushed around by her dad?


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