# How do I constructively critisize my husband?



## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

I've been married 20 years now. I need advice on how to talk to my husband about his personality and his traits that bother me. I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but if I don't talk to him about his behavior and attempt to change things in our marriage, I fear that our relationship will fail.

I posted a previous thread about him being a "clingy" husband and I appreciate all the advice about that. But there is more I need help with. He is 47 years old and is really immature. It's like his maturity hasn't progressed since I met him when he was 26. He jokes and kids with people like he's a teenage boy and I find it embarrassing. It is definitely beyond what would be considered normal for his age.

He is very reliant on me to make decisions in his/our life, all financial issues, and all home improvements and travel plans. Nothing gets done unless I initiate it. This is becoming a huge problem for me. I feel like he is one of my children and am completely turned-off by him and its getting worse.

He has no outside interests/hobbies other than drinking beer in his mancave. Over the years I have suggested many things he could do or become involved with. He does nothing. There is no self motivation. I am growing very tired of being the 'motivator'. I am the one who needs to be motivated and inspired! Long story, but over the last 5 years I have lost 2 close family members. I had to handle everything from their funerals to their estates. I miss them very much and I am the last member of my family, so I feel lonely at times or cut off. I am just now focusing on myself, my health and profession. I workout 3-4 times a week, have learned new job skills and am starting a new job this coming Monday. My H just continues to follow my lead, inquire what I'm up to all the time, and does nothing for himself. 

I have always believed he suffers from some level of ADD or ADHD. He gets easily frustrated, is very impatient and seems exasperated all the time. I think this is why he self medicates with alcohol on a daily basis. When he is talking people find him confusing and hard to follow. I have asked him to get evaluated, but he doesn't do it. His behavior is bothering me more and more. 

I feel that I am always the one to improve myself, making the changes in our life to make it better and am growing on different levels. He does nothing to improve and grow himself. 

If he can't take care of himself and make improvements/changes, then I can't continue to carry him like he's one of my children. I just can't do it. At this time I have no interest in him sexually. I am tired of forcing myself to have sex with him, and that only averages once a month at best! 
I'm sure you can tell that I'm ready to walk out of the marriage.

Please advise on HOW to tell him my feelings and changes I need made. I feel if I approach this in the wrong way he will be defensive.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think you're best bet is straight forward and direct. What's going to hurt his feelings more, hearing this news or the news that the marriage over? Personally, I'd print out your post and let him read it or let him read it here. You lay it out pretty well here, it's straight forward, not emotional and well said. Before you end the marriage you owe it to him to express this to him flatfootedly, if he won't hear you - well then you have to make the decision to live with it as is or end the marriage.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Sigma,
Thanks for your insight. I know I'm very capable of being straightforward, but I also know that these things I'm going to tell him will undoubtedly hurt his feelings and perhaps his self confidence. I truly do care about him. 
I also don't want to make him feel like everything wrong between us is his fault. I have issues too, but am trying to work on them. I know that the love and intensity I felt for him so long ago has been gone a long time. I feel that I'm forcing myself to show him any affection--it's that bad! And it's certainly not fair to him. 

I'm going to start a new thread, "Why do wives cheat?". I have had multiple EA's over the last 10 years. Yes, multiple. I cannot explain why I do this. I go through spurts with it. I'll refrain for 6 months, then something triggers me to start up again. And the weird thing is that I'm not looking for love or a replacement. I simply crave the touch and sex with another man. It's very easy for me to find someone--men are a phone call away. The excitement of it is certainly addicting. I know this behavior is not right and is certainly not fair to my H. Ideally I would exist in an open marriage, but that will never happen with him. *Sigh*


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

How about marriage counseling for you both and individual counseling for yourself?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Eclectic - this strikes a little close to home. Just a quick version of my story. Married 13 years, together 21, happily married to a wonderful woman. Receive a FB friend request from an old high school flame, two weeks later I'm in very serious and very intense EA. Wanted out, but couldn't figure out how to get out - I was too addicted to it. Basically let myself get caught and completely confessed to my wife and did all the things waywards are supposed to do. Here's my point. I had a good marriage before my EA - today I have a better one. The revelation of my affair was such a wake up call to both of us that 1) it made us realize our marriage was missing something and we hadn't realized it - affection and intimacy, and 2) it was the impetus of both of us working on changing what had gone wrong and working to rebuild the marriage we wanted. Today we are better than we have ever been. My wife will even guardedly say it was worth it to get where we are today. 

Your marriage may be too far gone, but telling your H about your EA's may be the wake up call he needs to realize that without change and addressing what's wrong that the marriage is over. It may be just what he needs to take you seriously. Will it cause more drama, is it a gamble - sure - but what have you got to lose?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

eclectic said:


> Sigma,
> Thanks for your insight. I know I'm very capable of being straightforward, but I also know that these things I'm going to tell him will undoubtedly hurt his feelings and perhaps his self confidence. I truly do care about him.
> I also don't want to make him feel like everything wrong between us is his fault. I have issues too, but am trying to work on them. I know that the love and intensity I felt for him so long ago has been gone a long time. I feel that I'm forcing myself to show him any affection--it's that bad! And it's certainly not fair to him.
> 
> I'm going to start a new thread, "Why do wives cheat?". I have had multiple EA's over the last 10 years. Yes, multiple. I cannot explain why I do this. I go through spurts with it. I'll refrain for 6 months, then something triggers me to start up again. And the weird thing is that I'm not looking for love or a replacement. I simply crave the touch and sex with another man. It's very easy for me to find someone--men are a phone call away. The excitement of it is certainly addicting. I know this behavior is not right and is certainly not fair to my H. Ideally I would exist in an open marriage, but that will never happen with him. *Sigh*



Just get a divorce. Your actions show how much you value the marriage and your current husband. You have so little regard as to be unable to discuss your needs openly and to have multiple affairs. Do yourself and him a favor and get divorced and then get into individual counseling to sort out your issues.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Well you could go about it the way I give my employees constructive criticism. Start off with the things you feel he does right then go into what you want him to work on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to get him to sit up and notice is to (1) tell him you've had multiple affairs and (2) tell him you're making plans to divorce him if he doesn't change his half. Write it out in a letter if you have to.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My first advice would be:

Never start a sentence with the word "You"
Never make a direct statement concerning personality, refer to how things seems to you
Never state what he thinks
Never state how he feels


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Sigma,
I'm happy for you that things have worked out for the better in your marriage! I hope your wife doesn't harbor ill feelings towards you or bring up the affair in arguments.

Truthfully, I will never admit to them. I know he would react badly, perhaps violently and I can't risk that outcome. I will, however, attempt to change things between us and seek individual counseling for my sexual addiction (which I think is the problem).

KanDo: It's a complicated marriage and we have 3 children. So, to "just divorce him" is not an easy decision. I do think there is a difference in the reasons why men and women cheat on their spouses. It seems to be more prevalent and acceptable when men do it--almost as if it's okay because it's in their nature. But when women do it we are judged more harshly, which is an unfair standard to me. The truth is that when women do it there are more emotional reasons, which can be the result of serious problems or complications in the marriage. The woman is clearly not getting fulfilled emotionally, therefore, she is not getting fulfilled sexually. Also, even though someone has an affair, that doesn't mean they don't love their spouse and hold them in the highest regard.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Id print out your post and read it to him verbatim. My wife pretty well told me that three years ago and woke my azz up bigtime. I hit the books and saved my marriage three years ago. Been married for eleven.

Dont worry about hurting him. Only the truth will do you or him any good. A little hurt is good for the soul and the lesson is remembered


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

After a lifetime of being shouted down, corrected, second guessed or asked then ignored, I proffer no opinion either way. She clearly wants everything done her way, when she wants it done precisely and I'm there to listen like a good dog and go fetch. If she were to criticize absolute obedience after demanding absolute control I would ignore that too. I simply wouldn't pay attention and walk out of the room w/o a comment. Is that irritating? Don't care. Go talk to the shop steward, take it up with the union rep, etc.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

eclectic said:


> KanDo: It's a complicated marriage and we have 3 children. So, to "just divorce him" is not an easy decision. I do think there is a difference in the reasons why men and women cheat on their spouses. It seems to be more prevalent and acceptable when men do it--almost as if it's okay because it's in their nature. But when women do it we are judged more harshly, which is an unfair standard to me. The truth is that when women do it there are more emotional reasons, which can be the result of serious problems or complications in the marriage. The woman is clearly not getting fulfilled emotionally, therefore, she is not getting fulfilled sexually. Also, even though someone has an affair, that doesn't mean they don't love their spouse and hold them in the highest regard.



Sorry, but we will have to agree to disagree. There is no justification for your affairs. Period. and you do not love and hold your husband in high regard given your actions. Yes divorce is messy and complicated; but, you don't have a marriage anyway. I stand by my previous recommendation:
Get a divorce. It's self centered and unfair to your husband to continue in this vein.

(just my humble opinion)


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Your husband is 42 years old. Thats how long it took for him to grow into who he is. If he could make these changes you want (and i doubt he could for any length of time), he would be a totally different person. I dont think anyone has the right to ask that of their spouse. you either love them for who they are and accept them or you decide they are no longer for you an move on.

Bottom line you dont want him anymore and that's okay. Own up to that instead of trying to make over your husbands personality to suit you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're going to raise three kids who believe it's ok to harm someone they supposedly love, if it makes them happy. Great job.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

eclectic said:


> I'm going to start a new thread, "Why do wives cheat?". I have had multiple EA's over the last 10 years. Yes, multiple. I cannot explain why I do this. I go through spurts with it. I'll refrain for 6 months, then something triggers me to start up again. And the weird thing is that I'm not looking for love or a replacement. I simply crave the touch and sex with another man. It's very easy for me to find someone--men are a phone call away. The excitement of it is certainly addicting. I know this behavior is not right and is certainly not fair to my H. Ideally I would exist in an open marriage, but that will never happen with him. *Sigh*


This isn't about your husband and his personality traits. This is about YOU, and how you want people to change to fit your needs/wants. Apparently his personality traits haven't bothered you to bad, you have been married to him for 20 years, and out of those 20 years, 10 of those years you have spent having affairs. 

You said you had multiple EA affairs, but then said you crave the touch and sex of another man, so you have had physical ones as well? My guess is these affairs are new, and exciting, and there is something there they have your husband can't provide. It sounds like you have low self esteem and looking for validation from these men to make you feel good. 

Do you or do you not want your marriage to work? If you do, you need to get into some counseling for yourself ASAP, and stop having these affairs. I also think your husband has a right to know. Of course you wouldn't want him to know, then that would give him the chance to make a choice between staying or leaving right? You owe that to him. 

Do not worry so much about trying to "fix' your husband, because you can't, you need to work on "fixing" yourself. You wanting to fix him takes the focus on you needing to fix yourself. Your focus needs to be on you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Astonishingly, not every thing my wife does blows my skirt up, either. Still, I'm her husband and not her daddy. It's not my job to raise her, instruct her, reprimand her, correct her, or change her. I must love who she is or I wouldn't have married her. If I changed her I might not like the end result. 
You have heavy opinions and that's super but that's all they are...opinions. He has his own but that doesn't mean one of you is right and the other wrong. Y'all are just different and that is as it should be. If you were latched onto someone exactly like yourself, how would you possibly grow or expand your horizons? What'd be the point? My wife sees the world differently and her opinions are not exactly mine. Our values are pretty much the same. Because she is so different, she has caused me to develop parts of me I would have otherwise ignored. Similarly, she has changed in some ways as a result of being exposed to me. We're both more now than we were apart. Isn't that the idea of marriage? If she had her way and I adopted all my behaviors to match hers, I'd bore her to tears.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Could you be in the fog? Where your affairs seem so exciting and you're doing the re-writing of history to justify yourself? 
My marriage was as dull as dishwater a few months ago. We were newlywed parents (we wanted kids and old enough we didn't have time to kill getting started). I've been on mat leave and frankly I'm missing adult interaction.
I could look at H and say it's because he's this or that, but I can only change me. I said to H, 'I miss you. I miss dating you, I miss family time'.
As a result we go for family walks every night, we're going on on out-of-town day trip tomorrow and hugging and kissing hello and goodbye every time we leave. I have spa day Tuesday for just me and a coffee date Monday with a dear friend. If I would have whined that I never got out, kids are driving me insane and it's all him - would both he and I be feeling on top of the world right now? No because he knew I wanted things better WITH HIM not in spite of him. My needs were not being met and I bet his weren't either. 
The affairs just muddy the problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Hmm...some pretty tough advice and opinions, but I welcome them all and am not offended. Who's to judge anyway, right? 

I do believe you can absolutely love someone, but still have the sexual desire to be with other people--it's human nature. It's just the rules of marriage that set standards. I was young when I married and never felt or fathomed I would be an adulterer. But as I grew into myself, experienced life's up's and down's, I found that I had these sexual desires and acted on them. So, I cannot completely blame my H for aiding in my decision to cheat on him. It IS ultimately my decision and I have to live with it. 

BUT, my issues with my H may or may not change. Who in their right mind would admit to their spouse they have had multiple affairs? I believe he is prone to becoming unstable, and I may be harmed, seriously. I think s*** would hit the fan and our whole family would be thrust in to a cluster****!!!!! 

Update: I had a few glasses of wine Sat. night and my H said some things that started the conversation about how I feel and what I feel is wrong with our marriage. It DID NOT go over well even though I was careful in my choice of words and tried very hard not to point the finger. I started sentences with "I feel...". I cried, and told him he has things he needs to work on, not only for the marriage, but for HIMSELF. I did tell him I feel that he relies on me too much for everything and that I view him as a dependant child. He didn't have much to say other than calling me a b**** and to f*** myself. He was down-right mean. All he spoke about was the fact that we haven't been intimate in months--it's all he seems to care about and focus on. So, I've said what I needed to say and made suggestions, and spoke on what my needs are in order for the marriage to work. Right now I've started a new job/career and need to focus on myself and being successful. Time will tell as well as his actions as to whether he is committed to make behavorial changes. I'm not asking him to change his personality, but his behaviors and address his issues. I'm done with trying to fix myself--time for him to "man up" and fix himself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Honestly you come off as arrogant a deeply selfish. You admit to us about having a long lone of affairs where you have cheated on your husband, yet you have lied to him about them. You justify your lies because he would get angry if he knew what an awful unfaithful wife you have been. Yet you still feel you have right to complain about him, and that he should've improving himself.

From the way it sounds you are the one deeply in need of improvement. He is maybe a little full, but you are a serial cheater. Don't you think his gut has picked up on his untrustworthy you are, and is reacting to it?

You should stop cheating and come clean. If he kicks your charting butt into the street then at least he has an opportunity yo upgrade to a wife who thinks nothing of having affairs and casual sex with those always available men you describe in your earlier posts.

Stop hiding the truth from him, let him know the horror he s married to so he can get rid of it.

Of course you won't. You instead seek to change him because he is in the wrong. It is him that is broken, this man who has been True and faithful, and who can understand why his wife treats him coldly and tells him he has all the faults.

Shame on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eclectic said:


> I do believe you can absolutely love someone, but still have the sexual desire to be with other people--it's human nature.


I've lost count of the number of cheaters who say that on forums like that.

Funny how the NON cheaters never say it.

Can you say J-U-S-T-I-F-Y?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eclectic said:


> I believe he is prone to becoming unstable, and I may be harmed, seriously. I think s*** would hit the fan and our whole family would be thrust in to a cluster****!!!!!


You mean as a response to what YOU DID?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One more thing, you've cut you husband off sexually, while you've been out cheating.

And you say he is mean.

Wow, he is 100% correct in what he called you. If only he also knew you are a lying cheat too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eclectic said:


> Time will tell as well as his actions as to *whether he is committed* to make behavorial changes. I'm not asking him to change his personality, but *his behaviors* and address *his issues*. I'm done with trying to fix myself--time for him to "man up" and fix himself.


 :rofl:

OMG. This is the most amazing case of self-centeredness I have seen here in a LONG time.

Just wow.

I hope he wakes up soon and ditches your cheating self and finds someone who deserves him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did I miss this crazy thread? OP has multiple affairs and doesn't tell her husband yet he's the one who needs to work on things? I think we are in the Twilight Zone, folks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He must not be to bothered by the affair(s) you had because you stated everything you needed to talk with him about, and his response that you stated was;

"All he spoke about was the fact that we haven't been intimate in months--it's all he seems to care about and focus on."

So apparently his needs are still important enough that he wants you to meet them regardless of what you had done. He just isn't getting what you are saying, although its possible he does, but just doesn't care. 

I think the whole thing is unhealthy, selfish and immature. Its kind of like, "You're not meeting my needs so don't think I will meet yours" syndrome.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

All I can say is WOW.

I'm sure the husband has issues and everything, but perhaps there is a little one that you may want to reflect on yourself?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

trey, she didn't tell him the truth. He doesn't KNOW she cheated on him.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> trey, she didn't tell him the truth. He doesn't KNOW she cheated on him.


Well thats what I get for not reading everything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Well thats what I get for not reading everything.


It's ok, her husband doesn't know about it either 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> It's ok, her husband doesn't know about it either
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: 

To the OP why haven't you told him? You don't feel you at least owe him that? Isn't it his right to be able to decide what HE wants to do after knowing the truth? You had no problem with what you felt was "Right" for you when you had the affairs.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

I can understand everyone's opinon(s) on the adultery issue here, but there is so much more to it. True, I DO need to deal with the reason(s) I crossed that line multiple times. I can't self-diagnose here--will seek professional help for that as I do believe it is a problem. It's funny how people can sit back in front of their computer screens, read other people's problems and judge as if they themselves haven't done ANYTHING "morally" wrong in their own life. Must be a whole 'lotta saints here *sarcasm*. And what's up with so many regulars on here??? I've seen hundreds of posts from several chronic posters (won't mention names, but you know who you are). Don't you have jobs? How can you spend so may hours a day putting your "professional" opinions on here? Are you getting paid to do this or something? What gives here?

One person said I was arrogant. Wrong. Another person said I have self esteem issues. RIGHT!! I thought that was obvious to everyone. However, no one suggested I could be a sex addict. Some women actually like A LOT of sex and with different people. But of course we're judged more harshly than a man would be. I know, I know, it's because I'm married.
I'm not justifying or blaming anyone for my adultery. No, it's not fair to H (obviously), but I just can't risk telling him. I'm not afraid he will "kick me to the curb", but he's an angry guy and I'm afraid of what he would do physically.
Oh, but I would like to mention briefly what he has done to me over our marriage: multiple job losses (all his own fault), alcoholism (daily drinker), unsupportive, unmotivated. One job loss he hid from me for 6 months and put us in serious financial jeopardy. How did I not know for 6 months you ask? He opened up credit cards, took cash advances and deposited them as paychecks, he did not file for unemployment, he waited around the corner from our house to catch the mailman everyday so I wouldn't see anything come in the mail he was trying to hide. Once all the credit card money was used he was forced to tell me. I had to do everything to dig us out and prevent our home from being forclosed on. I had to use the majority of my inheritance to get us back on track. All the while I'm trying to take care of 3 young children and was part-time caregiver to my mother who was dying of cancer. Oh, and I should mention that my only sister died too shortly after. So, you see, there's always 2 sides to every story. We're both horrible spouses.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Realize you are posting on a pro marriage anti cheating site.

He maybe did all those things, but only you cheated. Only you broke your vows, and you're hiding behind excuses for having done it.

Youre not a sex addict, you're a cheater.

From your writing you also fo not sound like you lack self esteem, in fact you sound like you haves very strong sense of self entitlement. Perhaps that is why you husband felt he couldn't tell you the truth about hs job loss, while he did what he could to continue to finance your life style.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eclectic said:


> I can understand everyone's opinon(s) on the adultery issue here, but there is so much more to it. True, I DO need to deal with the reason(s) I crossed that line multiple times. I can't self-diagnose here--will seek professional help for that as I do believe it is a problem. It's funny how people can sit back in front of their computer screens, read other people's problems and judge as if they themselves haven't done ANYTHING "morally" wrong in their own life. Must be a whole 'lotta saints here *sarcasm*. And what's up with so many regulars on here??? I've seen hundreds of posts from several chronic posters (won't mention names, but you know who you are). Don't you have jobs? How can you spend so may hours a day putting your "professional" opinions on here? Are you getting paid to do this or something? What gives here?
> 
> One person said I was arrogant. Wrong. Another person said I have self esteem issues. RIGHT!! I thought that was obvious to everyone. However, no one suggested I could be a sex addict. Some women actually like A LOT of sex and with different people. But of course we're judged more harshly than a man would be. I know, I know, it's because I'm married.
> I'm not justifying or blaming anyone for my adultery. No, it's not fair to H (obviously), but I just can't risk telling him. I'm not afraid he will "kick me to the curb", but he's an angry guy and I'm afraid of what he would do physically.
> Oh, but I would like to mention briefly what he has done to me over our marriage: multiple job losses (all his own fault), alcoholism (daily drinker), unsupportive, unmotivated. One job loss he hid from me for 6 months and put us in serious financial jeopardy. How did I not know for 6 months you ask? He opened up credit cards, took cash advances and deposited them as paychecks, he did not file for unemployment, he waited around the corner from our house to catch the mailman everyday so I wouldn't see anything come in the mail he was trying to hide. Once all the credit card money was used he was forced to tell me. I had to do everything to dig us out and prevent our home from being forclosed on. I had to use the majority of my inheritance to get us back on track. All the while I'm trying to take care of 3 young children and was part-time caregiver to my mother who was dying of cancer. Oh, and I should mention that my only sister died too shortly after. So, you see, there's always 2 sides to every story. We're both horrible spouses.


 Sorry, hon. 

None of that excuses infidelity.

If you're so miserable, leave. At least then you could look at yourself in the mirror. Instead, you choose to further destroy your self esteem by becoming free and easy with other men. You like sex? It's called a husband. If you don't want your husband, try being ethical and divorce him and THEN seek out other men.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Eclectic,it likely will sound to you that imjust bring mean and only focused on your cheating. Her is the thing, of all the things your husband has done, are any of them so hurtful that you'll carry the pain of them to your grave? Because cheating is that hurtful. It is total betrayal of the trust and love you unconditionally give to the person you love. Their cheating however shows them that their love is one sided and wasted on someone who doesn't love them enough to honor their promise of fidelity. It shatters their self confidence, and their self esteem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I think you're best bet is straight forward and direct. What's going to hurt his feelings more, hearing this news or the news that the marriage over? Personally, I'd print out your post and let him read it or let him read it here. You lay it out pretty well here, it's straight forward, not emotional and well said. Before you end the marriage you owe it to him to express this to him flatfootedly, if he won't hear you - well then you have to make the decision to live with it as is or end the marriage.


I tried this with my husband almost 2 years ago, and it made things worse. He was drinking too much, to the point where I stopped 'liking' the drunk him, I was completely honest that the constant drunkeness and him trying to be affectionate with me when he was in that state was a huge turn off. He did cut back on the drinking alot, which I wanted, but he also stopped being nice to me in any way. He now sleeps passive aggressively on the other side of our king size bed, he barely speaks to me, he is completely unaffectionate. When he started this behavior he told me I had hurt him and that he needed time to 'get over it' but of course almost 2 years later, nothing is different. I personally feel it is childish, but then again, I shouldn't be surprised. Mine is really good at doling out criticism but clearly not very good at accepting it. 


Edited to add, no matter what, cheating is not the answer and I'd never ever do that.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

It seems as if you have made it up in your mind to not tell him, and you have your reasons, fine. 

However, it doesn't sound like he is going to change the way he is, and there seems to be secrets that no one wants to tell the other about. So whats your pay off for staying?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lisa, he acts that way because you accept it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> It seems as if you have made it up in your mind to not tell him, and you have your reasons, fine.
> 
> However, it doesn't sound like he is going to change the way he is, and there seems to be secrets that no one wants to tell the other about. So whats your pay off for staying?


 Money.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

turnera said:


> lisa, he acts that way because you accept it.


:iagree:


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

eclectic said:


> And what's up with so many regulars on here??? I've seen hundreds of posts from several chronic posters (won't mention names, but you know who you are). Don't you have jobs? How can you spend so may hours a day putting your "professional" opinions on here? Are you getting paid to do this or something? What gives here?


I'm a regular here and enjoy it. People usually start out coming to forums like this to seek help/advice as well. There are times too, if someones situation has improved (or not) they choose to stay to see if they can help provide some help and support for others as well. 

Yes, I have a job. My job requires me to be outside a lot. Today however, its rainy and messy, not much work can be done during that kind of weather. Sometimes I do paper work from home for the business etc. Today since its raining I'm home, so there fore I have a little more spare time to spend browsing this forum. 

And no I do not get paid to be here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every time a cheater gets called to the carpet here, they go straight for the posters. If they can discredit us, it takes the onus off of them. No biggie.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> :iagree:


To some degree yes, but what I am supposed to DO? I cannot force someone to sleep closer to me in bed, or to be affectionate toward me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can choose what treatment you accept. If he gives you the cold shoulder, show him up: pick up your purse and the keys and say 'Ok, you don't want to be around me? I'll be out, I've got things to do.'

You just took away his power over you.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> You can choose what treatment you accept. If he gives you the cold shoulder, show him up: pick up your purse and the keys and say 'Ok, you don't want to be around me? I'll be out, I've got things to do.'
> 
> You just took away his power over you.


I'd be leaving my own home alot... I have started to tell him to knock off the negativity and shouting all the time. I am sick of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I went back to Eclectic's original thread here at TAM and this is what she said:

_Good morning all. I am new here and seeking advice. I have been married 20 years as of today! Although I am proud of it, I have doubts about my marriage.
I do love my husband, but am questioning how much longer I can accept his increasingly clingy/needy behavior. He is 48 and I am 41. I'm going to try to sum up my issues without this post being too long or off the subject.
*My H seems to be increasingly focused on me, where I am, what I'm up to or doing the last several years.* He has no hobbies or interests to keep him occupied. He drinks a minimum of 2-3 beers a day when he gets home from work. His average routine when he gets home is to crack open a beer, maybe mow the lawn or help grill dinner, sit on the porch and read, or watch TV in his mancave. 
In our family life I initiate most activites we do and handle most common problems and decisions. I have been feeling like he is just one of my children and he is very immature for his age. I definitely feel like more of a mother to him and it is killing my overall interest in him as well as my sexual interest.
*Examples of his clingly behavior would be: following me around the house to the point where I have to close the bathroom door for some privacy. *When I have girlfriends over he always has to be involved and won't give us space. *This might sound strange, but he 'stares' at me all the time, especially when we're with friends, watching my every move.
In general he seems too interested in my business. I'm sorry to be so vague here.*

*I know my lack of sexual interest bothers him. Trust me, I DO have sexual interest. But, rarely towards him. I'm aware that I am more responsive when other men give me attention *now--its almost like I want them to. Yet, *I know acting on that attention is not the solution to the problem nor the path that should be taken*_



Can't help but wonder if the reason why OP's husband is up in her business is cause he suspects or knows she's been cheating on him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I'd be leaving my own home alot... I have started to tell him to knock off the negativity and shouting all the time. I am sick of it.


You should start a thread for this.

Telling someone to stop doing something negative gives them NO reason to stop. 

Showing them a CONSEQUENCE that YOU do if they don't stop gives them a reason to consider it.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Turnera, Trey,
I'm not trying to discredit anyone offering opinons or advice. Yes, sometimes people's opinions are harsh and mean, but I understand why. But, I was curious about the people who have like 5000 posts and are on here ALL the time!! How do they have the time? Don't they have anything else to do? Are they neglecting their family and other things to sit and reply to people's problems all day? I would want to be paid for that!!
I do realize this is a pro-marriage discussion. Perhaps I should've posted this in a different area? Sex addicts and cheaters? We don't mean to cause harm, we just have needs that for whatever reason are not being met, we have an unusually high sex drive and clearly there is something within deep-seeded that we don't understand. 
I don't know what's worse; cheating on your spouse for sexual gratification or lying to your spouse and causing financial ruin, jeopardizing the livlihood and home for your children? What's worse? I would step on anyone that got in the way of providing for my children!! That is a sin to me, what he did. 

Everyone thinks I'm trying to justify my behavior, but that is not true. There is no justification. I can choose to continue or choose to seek help and stop. I just dont know whether I want to remain married anymore. If I do, I will stop. But, like I stated before, he's got to work on some things. And, for once, I need to attend to myself and my needs as well. I am not narcisistic, quite the opposite. I have cared and provided for everyone for years--and dealt with the deaths of my father, mother and only sister. I am a people pleaser. Now it is MY time to find myself that was lost so long ago. And now I see my H for how he really is. I have ignored it for years. Enough. I'm not excusing my cheating behavior. It is a symptoms of something that only a medical professional can diagnose. But, thank you all for your opinions and advice, it truly is appreciated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How about just tell your husband all the times you've cheated on him and let him decide what HE wants to do. 

It's only fair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

eclectic said:


> I'm not trying to discredit anyone offering opinons or advice. Yes, sometimes people's opinions are harsh and mean, but I understand why. But, I was curious about the people who have like 5000 posts and are on here ALL the time!! How do they have the time? Don't they have anything else to do? Are they neglecting their family and other things to sit and reply to people's problems all day? I would want to be paid for that!!


Heh. I love when people come on TAM, an open forum, for advice and then start to find fault when they themselves started a thread to get advice on


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Eclectic, I'm confused you say you have said that one of the problems in your marriage is that you husband is upset because you and he don't have sex. Then you tell us you are cheating on him, and that the problem is that he needs to fix himself. Now YOU are a sex addict who is a victim?


Lady, if you really are a sex addict did it occur to you to fill that need with the husband you have cut off sexually?

At this point your story is so all over the place, but it's clear you are very defensive and deeply in the me me me ,I am the victim, I am justified to cheat, why is everyone against me being happy mode.

Like I. Said before,you clearly have no intention to ever stop cheating, nor to come clean with the poor man who is stuck being married to you. He deserves to know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Constant, constant correction is the best bet. And do it in public in a very patronizing angry tone.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Constant, constant correction is the best bet. And do it in public in a very patronizing angry tone.


It needs to be done in a loud threatening voice too, or else he won't hear ot listen. It also helps to wear lots of tight black leather and carry a whip around. That way he will recognize who is boss!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> I've lost count of the number of cheaters who say that on forums like that.
> 
> Funny how the NON cheaters never say it.
> 
> Can you say J-U-S-T-I-F-Y?


I'm the victim of cheating and I believe it is true that you can absolutely love someone and still have sexual desires for other people. I think this is just how our biology works and it's something we need to learn to accept as normal within a healthy monogamous relationship. Cheating isn't about sex, it's about betrayal. Of course sex typically makes the betrayal so much worse, and the desire for sex often motivates the betrayal, but desire itself is not cheating. 

You are right that cheaters seem to often bring this up as if it provides some kind of an excuse for their behavior, I think that's largely because they are deeply selfish and assume their own desires must always be fulfilled. They value the fulfillment of their desire above all else, it's what motivates everything they do so they feel justified in doing anything, and it's what motivates everything they believe so they can delude themselves into excusing anything. Whatever monstrous acts are necessary for them to get what they want will become acceptable and they will form a narrative to explain away why they had to do what they wanted to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Like I. Said before,you clearly have no intention to ever stop cheating, nor to come clean with* the poor man who is stuck being married to you*.


:rofl:


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## My_Inspiration (Oct 6, 2011)

You have to approach this in a very cautious matter. You do not want to offend him or make him feel unwanted. Try explaining your feelings about him while incorporating how it could improve your sex life. I've read many articles on SavingOurLove that discuss on how to approach your spouse in a productive manner, that will help your cause and not hurt it. Remember that people are sensitive about their appearance and habits, so just approach him in a positive manner.


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## Zeldaforever (Oct 16, 2011)

I would say that you have more issues that you need forgiveness for, and that is what you need to focus on, rather than nitpick his "personality flaws" that are in your OPINION. He shouldn't have to change his personality for you. 
It is hard to believe you would ask how you can change him when you are cheating on him in this way and rarely having intimacy with your HUSBAND(you know, they one you vowed to HAVE AND TO HOLD TIL DEATH DO US PART??). Wake up and look in the mirror.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

eclectic said:


> I've been married 20 years now. I need advice on how to talk to my husband about his personality and his traits that bother me. I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but if I don't talk to him about his behavior and attempt to change things in our marriage, I fear that our relationship will fail.
> 
> I posted a previous thread about him being a "clingy" husband and I appreciate all the advice about that. But there is more I need help with. He is 47 years old and is really immature. It's like his maturity hasn't progressed since I met him when he was 26. He jokes and kids with people like he's a teenage boy and I find it embarrassing. It is definitely beyond what would be considered normal for his age.
> 
> ...


I haven't read through the 4 pages of replies to this post, I'd rather have a look at what was written here in isolation.

IF my wife was to present our current relationship to this forum I'm sure she could copy/ paste this post.

To my wife I tick immature, sexually needy, selfish and irresponsible (the things I think you're trying to convey)

and yet...........

each time I try and take steps in the right direction (to be what she THINKS she wants) she's the 1st one in there with a snide remark or a put down to ensure I never make too much ground.

I haven't been married all that long and whilst I am learning to be much better (for myself) I won't continue to be degraded and "constructively criticized" by my wife. I will ignore or leave. Your hubby may have gone for the former option.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ren said:


> I'm the victim of cheating and I believe it is true that you can absolutely love someone and still have sexual desires for other people. I think this is just how our biology works and it's something we need to learn to accept as normal within a healthy monogamous relationship. Cheating isn't about sex, it's about betrayal. Of course sex typically makes the betrayal so much worse, and the desire for sex often motivates the betrayal, but desire itself is not cheating.
> 
> You are right that cheaters seem to often bring this up as if it provides some kind of an excuse for their behavior, I think that's largely because they are deeply selfish and assume their own desires must always be fulfilled. They value the fulfillment of their desire above all else, it's what motivates everything they do so they feel justified in doing anything, and it's what motivates everything they believe so they can delude themselves into excusing anything. Whatever monstrous acts are necessary for them to get what they want will become acceptable and they will form a narrative to explain away why they had to do what they wanted to do.


Having a desire for another person IS natural; it's what kept the species going 10,000 years ago. But that world is far removed from what we have now. If you don't want to be tied to one person, don't get married.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

None of that excuses infidelity.

If you're so miserable, leave. At least then you could look at yourself in the mirror. Instead, you choose to further destroy your self esteem by becoming free and easy with other men. You like sex? It's called a husband. If you don't want your husband, try being ethical and divorce him and THEN seek out other men.[/QUOTE

Tunera,
You're right. This is the only decent, open-minded response you've given me. I agree 100%.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Eclectic, I'm confused you say you have said that one of the problems in your marriage is that you husband is upset because you and he don't have sex. Then you tell us you are cheating on him, and that the problem is that he needs to fix himself. Now YOU are a sex addict who is a victim?
> 
> 
> Lady, if you really are a sex addict did it occur to you to fill that need with the husband you have cut off sexually?
> ...


Shaggy: 
Yes, my "story" is all over the place, which is not uncommon when one is dealing with multiple issues. I'm not defensive, only when people are nasty, as if they themselves have never wronged anyone in any way. All YOU can focus on is my cheating issue, not the wrongs that H has done to ME. I said they are NOT justifications for my adultery. I just wanted someone to hear the bad things that have happened to me, that's all. 

You're an angry guy. I wonder if you are so perfect as a spouse? It seems you have issues and so do I.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every cheater who has ever come on these boards (whose stories I have read) has ultimately come to the point where they say 'are you so perfect?' That should tell you something - when you do something you know is so heinous, you have to tear others down to your level.

Why not try to live UP to our level for a change and see how much better you feel?

If you don't like your husband, get divorced. If you're sticking around for money, tell him the truth, that you're cheating on him because he sucks as a husband.

Whatever you do, try to add a little morality to your life. Can you do that? Can you either (1) honor your marriage vows and quit cheating or (2) be honorable and leave the marriage?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

eclectic said:


> Shaggy:
> You're an angry guy. I wonder if you are so perfect as a spouse? It seems you have issues and so do I.


Madame, nice try, but I've done my homework and that doesn't work on me.

I'm not angry, don't confuse calling people on their inconsistencies, and not accepting their blame shifting as angry. 

Facts: you have come seeking advice on a pro marriage and anti cheating web site. You are going to find we are very very focused on ending cheating, and saving marriages.

Many of us have taken the time to offer suggestions to the problems you've presented. Do with it what you will.

I do believe that you are still deeply tied up in justifying your choices and defending them. You have not yet come to the point where you feel remorse or are willing to do what needs to be done. You are still deep in the fog. I honestly with you well and hope you find a path out of this dark place you have constructed and are actively fighting to preserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> This isn't about your husband and his personality traits. This is about YOU, and how you want people to change to fit your needs/wants. Apparently his personality traits haven't bothered you to bad, you have been married to him for 20 years, and out of those 20 years, 10 of those years you have spent having affairs.
> 
> You said you had multiple EA affairs, but then said you crave the touch and sex of another man, so you have had physical ones as well? My guess is these affairs are new, and exciting, and there is something there they have your husband can't provide. It sounds like you have low self esteem and looking for validation from these men to make you feel good.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your insight! I think you hit the nail on the head on several points. The truth is I CAN'T tell him, simply for fear of his anger, physcially acting out and retribution; although he has a right to know. As I mentioned in a pervious reply we had it out and he's aware there are serious problems between us. You're right, I can't "fix" him. Rather, I need to fix myself.

"Do you or do you not want your marriage to work?" That is the ultimate question. I think at this point I don't want to be married anymore. It's exhausting for me and not fair to him. If I have to do everything and take care of everything and everyone, I might as well be on my own. I think having the burden off my shoulders will be such a huge relief.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Every cheater who has ever come on these boards (whose stories I have read) has ultimately come to the point where they say 'are you so perfect?' That should tell you something - when you do something you know is so heinous, you have to tear others down to your level.
> 
> Why not try to live UP to our level for a change and see how much better you feel?
> 
> ...


Live up to YOUR standards? No, I think not. You have over 8,000 posts--really, you need to do something else. But, thank you anyway for your advice. No, I don't like my husband anymore. No, I'm not sticking around for the money--I have my own--he likes to spend it. Yes, I will be honorable and am biding my time to leave the marriage. And yes, I will tell him the truth that he has sucked as a husband all these years, well before my "Heinous" adultery began.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will you tell him the OTHER truth? That you cheated on him repeatedly? That you are a serial cheater?

Or is your only obligation to make HIM look bad?


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

As a guy I can empathise with your husband being stuck with the sense of humour of a teenager - this is the case for ALL guys, just some hide it better. I'm afraid I agree with some other posters that your actions deserve little sympathy - he hasn't done what you want him to do (hobbies, becoming an action-taker, being more like you), so you've fallen out of love with him and had multiple affairs. Did you get married intending to change him, or did you love who he is/was then? Talk to the poor guy, then end the marriage - you know how bad things are, and he needs to be made aware how bad they are, otherwise he'll waste his life oblivious to it all.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Will you tell him the OTHER truth? That you cheated on him repeatedly? That you are a serial cheater?
> 
> Or is your only obligation to make HIM look bad?


Turnera; No, I can't tell him the other truth. He would absolutely act out and I can't put myself or my children in danger, seriously. It's not worth the risk. No, I will not make him look completely bad. It takes two (in most cases). I have admitted that it's not his fault that I've become a "serial cheater'--that is my own issue and choice I made. I could've dealt with my lonliness and unhappiness in other ways--at the time my behavior began I didn't see any other ways.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

DoYouWoo said:


> As a guy I can empathise with your husband being stuck with the sense of humour of a teenager - this is the case for ALL guys, just some hide it better. I'm afraid I agree with some other posters that your actions deserve little sympathy - he hasn't done what you want him to do (hobbies, becoming an action-taker, being more like you), so you've fallen out of love with him and had multiple affairs. Did you get married intending to change him, or did you love who he is/was then? Talk to the poor guy, then end the marriage - you know how bad things are, and he needs to be made aware how bad they are, otherwise he'll waste his life oblivious to it all.


Dooyouwoo: I never expected sympathy from anyone (who would?). I just needed to vent and hear opinions no matter how harsh they are--they DO help, except for mean ones. Not all guys are little boys/immature!! The problem I have is more than the fact he isn't doing things I want him to--Not sure if you read my previous reply on a few of the devastating things he has done to me and my family? 
At the time I married him I was 21 and immature myself. I thought I loved him. Unfortunately I've fallen out of love with him, that's a fact. I DO care for him, but that same feeling can be felt for friends, relatives, etc. I have talked to him and what I said of how I feel was not received well. He needs to make changes for HIMSELF, not for me anymore. I do want to part ways and I'm going to do my best to make it as smooth as possible.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

eclectic said:


> Turnera; No, I can't tell him the other truth. He would absolutely act out and I can't put myself or my children in danger, seriously. It's not worth the risk.



If you feel he would put you and your children in danger, then you have no business with someone like that anyway. 

You had mentioned before he could be angry and violent, and that you are not wanting to save the marriage anyway, so I hope the proceedings for separation/divorce have begun? No reason to put off what you have already said you wanted to do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Eclectic, you continue to find reason and justifications for your actions. He did this, he is a threat....

Do you think he treats you like ctap because he knows you gaslight him? That you have both physically and emotionally pulled back. That youre a serial cheater? Peoples guts pick up on that stuff, his gut is telling him to not trust you, to get away from you, that you are lying to hm over and over. 

I suspect he is the man you made him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

What will happen is that instead of her telling him about her cheating, she will tell him he was broken and couldn't be fixed and put the D back on HIM so he can feel like a failure. It is very clear OP that you are acting like a coward.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You are quite a piece of work!! I am so thankful you have decided you want out of your marriage. Best thing that could happen to your husband. :smthumbup:I pity the poor unsuspecting man you may deceive next.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Eclectic, you continue to find reason and justifications for your actions. He did this, he is a threat....
> 
> Do you think he treats you like ctap because he knows you gaslight him? That you have both physically and emotionally pulled back. That youre a serial cheater? Peoples guts pick up on that stuff, his gut is telling him to not trust you, to get away from you, that you are lying to hm over and over.
> 
> ...


No, I'm not looking for justifications--how many times do I have to state that? You only hear what you want to, Shaggy.

But, you're right in that his gut may be telling him I've pulled back and he's feeling he shouldn't trust me.

"I suspect he is the man you made him"--no one can make anyone--where did this come from and why do you keep trying to get your little "digs" in? I don't even want to attempt to read "your story", but I suspect you've been hurt in some way and harbor resentment towards women.


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

Jamison said:


> If you feel he would put you and your children in danger, then you have no business with someone like that anyway.
> 
> You had mentioned before he could be angry and violent, and that you are not wanting to save the marriage anyway, so I hope the proceedings for separation/divorce have begun? No reason to put off what you have already said you wanted to do.


:iagree:


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## eclectic (Sep 7, 2011)

KanDo said:


> You are quite a piece of work!! I am so thankful you have decided you want out of your marriage. Best thing that could happen to your husband. :smthumbup:I pity the poor unsuspecting man you may deceive next.


Geesh, feel resentful much? Like others, I don't want to read your story, but I sense you're still pissed off about something and hurt, whatever it is, you feel the need to get your "digs' into me. I'm not going there with you.

I've had to take care of myself for this long, so why WOULD I need another man, another child I have to take care of? If I get lonely, there's always my dildo  which is a perfect substitute for an "inept" man in certain departments.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

eclectic said:


> Geesh, feel resentful much? Like others, I don't want to read your story, but I sense you're still pissed off about something and hurt, whatever it is, you feel the need to get your "digs' into me. I'm not going there with you.
> 
> I've had to take care of myself for this long, so why WOULD I need another man, another child I have to take care of? If I get lonely, *there's always my dildo  which is a perfect substitute for an "inept" man in certain departments*.


:lol::lol::lol:

I have to totally disagree with that. I'll take a man over plastic ANY day. I don't like doing all the work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eclectic said:


> I sense you're still pissed off about something and hurt, whatever it is, you feel the need to get your "digs' into me.


You don't get it, hon. The only thing any of us is pissed off about is your cavalier attitude about and justification for harming another person. 

Moral people - yes, MORAL people - don't sleep with multiple affair partners while keeping their husband. They LEAVE their husband and then pick anyone (unmarried) that they want.

You HAVE no justification.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah yes, the old "I can't tell him" excuse. Which is total bull. 

You can tell him. You just choose not to.


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## thatguy007 (Jul 25, 2011)

Look, I'm a newb here but clearly, eclectic, you want to show your husband what a loser he is and how much he needs to fix himself if he wants to continue to be with you. You make nor allow any excuses for him.

On the other hand, you have multiple infidelities and you make and allow for many excuses for yourself.

It's pretty clear that what the other posts are responding to is that - that you present it as him with the huge, unsolvable problems and yourself as someone who's just made a couple of little mistakes. We don't live in a vacuum. Your actions do have an effect on him and his behavior. Ignoring that is either a very naive or a very narcissistic mindset and it seems you don't want advice, you want validation. Well, you're not going to get it on a pro-marriage site with people who are trying to work on themselves in order to fix their marriages, whether they're in the 'wrong' or not. You're also certainly not going to find much empathy when you attack everyone who is critical of the picture you paint.

If he truly is violent and abusive, turn him in to the police, find a safe place, and get a divorce. There are lots of laws and organizations for that. If he's mentally abusive, seek marriage counseling or a divorce. If your marriage is as toxic as you suggest, it can't be any good for the kids. Otherwise, I guess you can keep coming back day after day to argue with people about how right you are and what big losers you think they are (a microcosm of your marriage perhaps?).


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

thatguy007 said:


> Look, I'm a newb here but clearly, eclectic, you want to show your husband what a loser he is and how much he needs to fix himself if he wants to continue to be with you. You make nor allow any excuses for him.
> 
> On the other hand, you have multiple infidelities and you make and allow for many excuses for yourself.
> 
> ...


From one new poster to another, well said. 

And if you truly do feel violence will be the result of coming clean with your husband, then have a friend near when you tell him. You both deserve to know the truth about the state of your marriage.


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