# Exposure Is A Tool To Kill An Affair



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Exposure is not for revenge after the divorce. Exposure is a tool to kill an affair.

Revenge, and the being happy feeling that the BS gets from exposing the WS and the AP is a side effect, not the reason for exposure.

To expose after the divorce is pointless because there is no longer a marriage to save.

Exposure to be done effectively must be done without letting the WS and the AP find out before you expose. It will only give them time to do damage control.

Never use exposure as a threat as in WS if you do not stop the affair I will expose you and your AP. You lose the upper hand and threats of exposure never stop an affair.

Lawyers know about divorce.

They do not know anything about killing affairs and saving marriages. The lawyers also do not want to work harder for their fees. This is why lawyers do not want you to expose. And remember if you expose the chances are you will stay married and the lawyer's just lost out on making money. fact that 78% of marriages that have an affair survive the affair.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I not big on exposure to save a marriage. Don't get my wrong. Twenty+ years ago I was living a reprehensible amoral life. I got out of the "handy man" for married women business, met and married my wife. I married her because she had certain qualities that I wanted in a mate. Two such qualities was a strong romantic interest in me and loyalty. 
From my personal experience, I know that women who cheat have lost most of their romantic interest in their mate. They don't cheat if they are crazy about their husbands. (as revealed in many threads on this site. viz. "I love my husband but things went south as of late" type comments)
I said that to say this. If she cheats, she will have lost romantic interest and I've lost both of these two key ingredients. Thus, she would have breached the contract. The marriage would have become less than I bargained for so "saving the marriage" would not be high on my priority list. I would rather replace her with someone who may live up to the promises they made.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

An addendum: Exposure pre- or post-divorce is a moral imperative if the AP is married. The OWH/OMW has a right to know such vital information about his/her own life. Not to expose in this instance is selfish, in my opinion.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> An addendum: Exposure pre- or post-divorce is a moral imperative if the AP is married. The OWH/OMW has a right to know such vital information about his/her own life. Not to expose in this instance is selfish, in my opinion.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't know if this is part of revenge, but exposure stigmatizes (to an extent) the cheaters, and that has value.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

theroad said:


> fact that 78% of marriages that have an affair survive the affair.


I think it's the opposite:

Most marriages don't survive infidelity - MSN Living

_"Only 31 percent of marriages last after an affair has been discovered, says the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy."_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What I don't get is why so many people are so negative on revenge.

Bad revenge is when you end up going to jail or paying fines.

Good revenge is when you tell nothing but the truth and the cheaters get known for the scum they are.

That's why I like cheaterville so much - it documents the truth.

Way too many trashy people hide behind anonymity or behind others not telling the truth. Get the word out, it will help.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't think exposing your marital issues to random people is in the best interest for anyone. People are going to take sides and you can end up looking like the ass. You don't know what the WS has said about you. Plus you are opening yourself up for receiving poor advice or furious friends and family if they cannot agree with you reconciling. Just saying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What I don't get is why so many people are so negative on revenge.
> 
> Bad revenge is when you end up going to jail or paying fines.
> 
> ...


I guess it depends on motives. People do not like the word "revenge".

For me, I think fully exposing a betrayer and their other betrayer is a mandatory part of the discovery process for a host of positive reasons. To be sure, there are always a few negatives as well, but I think it helps the overall situation to fully expose.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think exposing your marital issues to random people is in the best interest for anyone. People are going to take sides and you can end up looking like the ass. You don't know what the WS has said about you. Plus you opening yourself up for receiving poor advice or furious friends and family if they cannot agree with you reconciling. Just saying
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why Cheaterville holds little interest to me.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What I don't get is why so many people are so negative on revenge.
> 
> Bad revenge is when you end up going to jail or paying fines.
> 
> ...


If I could like this post about 100 times, I most certainly would.

I learned a key fact about the xOW from a much earlier OM of hers who I met late last year. Not only was xOW a serial cheater but also a bit of a bully and generally expected people to back down from her. The xOW believing she's somehow intimidating to people only encouraged me to proceed with exposure of the scorched earth kind. Her BS, her BS's family, her family, work, her boss, friends, and a site similar to Cheaterville. Way back when she told her xBS and my WS it was "really unfair and mean" of me to do that.....oh, the irony. :lol:

I also exposed my WS (we are in R) in the same manner.... was only fair. 

I don't think of it so much as "just revenge" but free advertising. I figure if a person is going to act behave like the town *****/town man-***** they must want others to be aware of the services they provide.:smthumbup:

On a more serious note, her xBS deserved to know what was taking place in his life without his knowledge, once again (xOW is a serial cheater). He ended up kicking her to the curb, taking her name off the house, and eventually took another job and moved a couple hours away. I haven't talked to him in awhile now but I hear from others he's doing much better than he had been in years.

As for the xOW, she lives with one of her OM and rumor is he cheats on her regularly and also gave her herpes. Don't know if that's the truth but it's what the rumor mill puts out.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What I don't get is why so many people are so negative on revenge.
> 
> Bad revenge is when you end up going to jail or paying fines.
> 
> ...


Small correction. You HOPE it's the truth.

Take a bitter lady (or man) and internet access, a picture of someone else they don't like and viola!

A 'cheater'.

No one vets this as 'the truth'.

Keep that in mind. Your former wife could do the same with you and some female friend of yours.

And this is 'the truth'. Inconvenient but there you are.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think exposing your marital issues to random people is in the best interest for anyone. People are going to take sides and you can end up looking like the ass. You don't know what the WS has said about you. Plus you are opening yourself up for receiving poor advice or furious friends and family if they cannot agree with you reconciling. Just saying
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can see your point and how it's possible these things can happen, depending on the people and situation, but I personally never ran into any of that after exposure. The only person who has expressed any negativity towards my WS and I reconciling is my mom's significant other and given the fact I barely know him, he lives 2000 miles away, and he's not my father, his input mattered little to none in the grand scheme. Otherwise family and friends were/are supportive of how I wanted to proceed and have been supportive of both of us going forward. I also did not choose to seek advice from any of them. Some support, yes....but no advice. I intentionally relied almost completely on advice and direction from sites like TAM and similar. 

Not to offend anyone who have been married multiple times but my mom, who for a long period in her life was VERY much a serial cheater, has been married and divorced three times and adultery (generally on both sides) was involved in every one of those divorces. I wouldn't take relationship advice from her on the best of her marital days.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What I don't get is why so many people are so negative on revenge.
> 
> Bad revenge is when you end up going to jail or paying fines.
> 
> Good revenge is when you tell nothing but the truth and the cheaters get known for the scum they are..


I'm all for it, even when reconciling, everyone needs to know what they did.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I'm all for it, even when reconciling, everyone needs to know what they did.


:iagree::lol:


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I not big on exposure to save a marriage. Don't get my wrong.  Twenty+ years ago I was living a reprehensible amoral life. I got out of the "handy man" for married women business, met and married my wife. I married her because she had certain qualities that I wanted in a mate. Two such qualities was a strong romantic interest in me and loyalty.
> From my personal experience, I know that women who cheat have lost most of their romantic interest in their mate. They don't cheat if they are crazy about their husbands. (as revealed in many threads on this site. viz. "I love my husband but things went south as of late" type comments)
> I said that to say this. If she cheats, she will have lost romantic interest and I've lost both of these two key ingredients. Thus, she would have breached the contract. The marriage would have become less than I bargained for so "saving the marriage" would not be high on my priority list. I would rather replace her with someone who may live up to the promises they made.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think exposing your marital issues to random people is in the best interest for anyone. People are going to take sides and you can end up looking like the ass. You don't know what the WS has said about you. Plus you are opening yourself up for receiving poor advice or furious friends and family if they cannot agree with you reconciling. Just saying
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exposing is not random targets but people that can call out the WS and the AP and bring negative pressure to bear killing the affair.

Does not matter what lies the WS has already said.

Poor advice will come in unprompted without exposure.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Exposure won't just destroy an affair.

It can also end the marriage. "I can't believe you would embarrass me like that".

It can make the divorce extra bitter.

It can cause a divorce on the other side. Now, it is the OMS who gets to choose to divorce or not, but let's not kid ourselves. The Waywards pulled a pin on the grenade. No question.

As the exposer, YOU are knocking it out of their hand to land in the life of the other person. But I guess they are just collateral damage.

I am STILL a big fan of exposure...but let's not pretend there are no downsides.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

I have been on infidelity forums a long time.

Only a short time here. Though in this short time I have seen too many BH's get screwed over in court because the waited to exposed after the divorce.

I have seen too many OM walk away not only escaping without harm but get promotions at work after the BH's marriage ended in divorce.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Yup and it offends me too.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

JCD said:


> Exposure won't just destroy an affair.
> 
> It can also end the marriage. "I can't believe you would embarrass me like that".
> 
> ...


Exposure has never killed a marriage. The affair killed the marriage.

The WS just used getting caught and the exposure as the excuse to justify walking away. That WS never had intentions of not leaving the marriage.

The exposure just made them mad for two reasons. It made everyone know that they are a cheating hoe.

And, it forced them to change their timetable to leave the marriage without getting caught in an affair. Instead of having an easy exit exposure now made the easy exit disappear.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

JCD said:


> Exposure won't just destroy an affair.
> 
> It can also end the marriage. "I can't believe you would embarrass me like that".


Well, that's a chance one has to take. 

I don't believe that a marriage is completely sunk simply by exposing the parties involved. In fact, I will go so far as to say exposing it will have no bearing on whether or not the marriage survives. 

If the marriage was already doomed, properly exposing those involved isn't making any difference.

I mean, why would you want it kept such a huge secret? Maybe because you are a betrayer? Just wondering.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

JCD said:


> Small correction. You HOPE it's the truth.
> 
> Take a bitter lady (or man) and internet access, a picture of someone else they don't like and viola!
> 
> ...


Sorry, but I do not agree with your logic, which essentially boils down to:

I won't tell the truth because in return someone could speak a lie.

A couple of the problems with this:

1. They can always speak the lie regardless of you choosing to tell the truth. 

2. It's the cowards way of not standing up to people who have cheated and betrayed us. Imagine if a bank didn't report a robber out of fear - that leaves the robber free to do it again and again.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

theroad said:


> Exposing is not random targets but people that can call out the WS and the AP and bring negative pressure to bear killing the affair.
> 
> Does not matter what lies the WS has already said.
> 
> Poor advice will come in unprompted without exposure.


I disagree. In a small community it will not matter if you told 5 people or 100, soon you'll be in the rumor mill.

It does matter to me what the WS has said. I may be portrayed as an abusive, uncaring, unkind wife. What would my chances be to move forward in another relationship if I have that label.

Yes, you will always get poor advice. Even on this site. But, once you make your marriage a public affair "everyone knows best", and you become the fool.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Attorneys may not want exposure because it will only increase the conflict and drag out the divorce.

An unethical attorney may want exactly that because the longer and more contested the divorce, the more money they'll make.

Exposure or nonexposure has no bearing on the outcome of a divorce settlement, but exposure will most likely increase hostilities and increase the legal fees exhorbitantly.

Obviously I completely disagree with the first post on this thread but I do understand that in some cases a betrayed spouse is so desperate to get the cheater back that they'll do anything to try to break up the affair and exposure is one way to possibly achieve that goal even though, and again the first post on this thread is wrong- the odds of a marriage recovering after an affair are marginal at best.

The best "revenge" is walking away from the cheater and not wasting time and energy trying to make them miserable.

Posting on cheaterville is petty, ineffective and the betrayed spouses way of making it clear they're bitter and can't get over the betrayal. It also increases the possibility of retribution on the part of the cheater or the affair partner, AND it may punish an innocent affair partner who had no knowledge of the marriage- they could have been told anything by the cheating spouse.


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Well, that's a chance one has to take.
> 
> *I don't believe that a marriage is completely sunk simply by exposing the parties involved. In fact, I will go so far as to say exposing it will have no bearing on whether or not the marriage survives.
> 
> ...


:iagree: There are times when exposure serves little purpose, esp when the marriage is already doomed as stated above. Exposure is like rubbing salt into the wound. First you need to have WS's family and at least some mutual friends that are sympathetic. Usually in a doomed marriage, the family and friends have already polarized against you. And unless the AP is married or in a serious relationship (not all are), exposure there will do nothing, except to inflame an already volatile WS. That is the last thing you need if D is on the horizon. Best to do what other posters have said on other areas of this site... protect your kids (if you have them), get a fair distribution of the assets, and get a new start on life! In the end (unless there is someone out there worth informing, ie the AP has a SO) exposure only serves to make the BS feel better, and I don't think the the satisfaction is worth the aggravation.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I disagree. In a small community it will not matter if you told 5 people or 100, soon you'll be in the rumor mill.
> 
> It does matter to me what the WS has said. I may be portrayed as an abusive, uncaring, unkind wife. What would my chances be to move forward in another relationship if I have that label.
> 
> Yes, you will always get poor advice. Even on this site. But, once you make your marriage a public affair "everyone knows best", and you become the fool.


Small town large town not everyone gets included in the gossip loop.

What makes a small town appear that everyone knows is that as the geographic size decreases the chances go up that the WS, BS, and the AP will run into each other, and people that know about the affair.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Usually in a doomed marriage, the family and friends have already polarized against you. And unless the AP is married or in a serious relationship (not all are), exposure there will do nothing, except to inflame an already volatile WS. That is the last thing you need if D is on the horizon. Best to do what other posters have said on other areas of this site... protect your kids (if you have them), get a fair distribution of the assets, and get a new start on life!


Completely agree.

If you must clear the air about what happened, if anyone asks you can simply say "My spouse cheated, and I left them".

End of story.

Get a fast, reasonable divorce and move on with your life. The sooner the better.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> :iagree: There are times when exposure serves little purpose, esp when the marriage is already doomed as stated above. Exposure is like rubbing salt into the wound. First you need to have WS's family and at least some mutual friends that are sympathetic. Usually in a doomed marriage, the family and friends have already polarized against you. And unless the AP is married or in a serious relationship (not all are), exposure there will do nothing, except to inflame an already volatile WS. That is the last thing you need if D is on the horizon. Best to do what other posters have said on other areas of this site... protect your kids (if you have them), get a fair distribution of the assets, and get a new start on life! In the end (unless there is someone out there worth informing, ie the AP has a SO) exposure only serves to make the BS feel better, and I don't think the the satisfaction is worth the aggravation.


Both my attorney and IC agreed that it was best to only expose the hard evidence of her affairs to STBXW's immediate family and friends only after the divorce was consummated.

It's a given that it might give the WS time to polarize them against you, but in time, after seeing the evidence for themselves, they can continue to join the WS by their joint denial, or have it open their eyes up for them in seeing how the WS has so deceptively duped them. 

And then they should so aptly see that not only is the WS a cold, calculating cheater, but an untrustworthy liar as well! 

They can then choose to ostracize the WS in favor of the BS, or they can embrace them by wallowing in the nasty, silent muck of the betrayal and the lies that the WS has so painstakingly painted, and in doing so, become fools of a much higher degree!


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, but I do not agree with your logic, which essentially boils down to:
> 
> I won't tell the truth because in return someone could speak a lie.
> 
> ...


You are missing my point.

I am interested in dating Sidney Screwloose. So I do a google background search

GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY, SHE'S ON CHEATERSVILLE!

Now, was Sidney's profile put up by 

Studly McMuffin: cheated on husband/boyfriend?

Shiloh McSneaky: Internet saavy guy she jilted?

Queenie B. Green: That girl she beat out for a promotion/another man/Cheerleading tryouts?

I don't know. Anyone with a bit of introspection will also realize this fact.

So the 'damage' that cheatersville 'inflicts' is at best innuendo and rumor. It MIGHT be true.

And when you are talking business deals...well...I don't plan on sleeping with him/her (unless she is REALLY hot) and I don't intend on having a 20 year relationship that can go stale, most likely.

So I am a bit skeptical about how grievous a blow posting there really is.

This uncertainty also washes into your 'cross my heart and hope to die, REALLY REALLY true post' about the cheating person. I can't know if you are telling the truth or engaging in character assassination.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

JCD said:


> I am interested in dating Sidney Screwloose. So I do a google background search
> 
> GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY, SHE'S ON CHEATERSVILLE!
> 
> So I am a bit skeptical about how grievous a blow posting there really is.


But.. it's written on the internet so it MUST be true!


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Both my attorney and IC agreed that it was best to only expose the hard evidence of her affairs to STBXW's immediate family and friends only after the divorce was consummated.
> 
> It's a given that it might give the WS time to polarize them against you, but in time, after seeing the evidence for themselves, they can continue to join the WS by their joint denial, or have it open their eyes up for them in seeing how the WS has so deceptively duped them.
> 
> ...


Arbitrator, can I propose a scenario to you? What if it was your daughter? The details are unimportant, you just know she had an affair, divorced her husband or getting there... who would you support? You may even like the husband, but in the end, it's still your daughter, and you want her to be happy. Would you look at her any differently?


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

If someone has an affair they know the risk or at least should have considered them. If your spouse's AP is married with kids thats their problem. They obviously didn't give a s### about you or your kids and their lives, they were going to get theirs, you all were just collateral damage. Well return the favor and expose to EVERYONE, f### the AP's family. If exposing destroys their family oh well, collateral damage.

How you handle your own spouse depends on how remorseful they are and if you want to attempt R.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I never even disclosed my H had an affair but because I was unhappy my family chose to find fault in my H. And, with my decision to stay with him, I frustrated them and lost their respect and support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Had they known about the affair, it would be much worse.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> How you handle your own spouse depends on how remorseful they are and if you want to attempt R.


Shouldn't exposure be a prerequisite of "R"? Isn't it part of owning what they did? I kind of like the idea of a WH's friends knowing about what went on and not letting him near their wives (same for WWs). It's a form of stigmatizing, which in the case of infidelity, is a good thing. Shouldn't everyone know the kind of person they are? I think choosing not to expose a WS is a form of rug sweeping and letting the WS get away "Scott Free".


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> Well return the favor and expose to EVERYONE, f### the AP's family. If exposing destroys their family oh well, collateral damage.



An innocent family destroyed by a pointless act of revenge.

Oh well. As long as the betrayed partner "get's theirs" and feels better, it's all good.

"Casulties of war" I suppose.


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Shouldn't exposure be a prerequisite of "R"? Isn't it part of owning what they did? I kind of like the idea of a WH's friends knowing about what went on and not letting him near their wives (same for WWs). Shouldn't everyone know the kind of person they are? I think choosing not to expose a WS is a form of rug sweeping and letting the WS get away "Scott Free".


I meant how far exposure goes when dealing with your WS. If they are unremorseful then by all means, hammer down on them as you would the AP. But if you gonna try to R you don't have to tell EVERYONE if you don't want to. My WW was very remorseful. So I only told my mom and a few others from my side, don't interact much with my family anyway. Told her family as well. She outed herself to the friends in our neighborhood. Sorry if I wasn't clear by NO MEANS am I advocating rug sweeping. 

I mean if I actually was close to my family and all of them knew, I wouldn't want them to treat my W like s### for years when we have already R. Thats how my aunt's husband is treated after we learned he cheated.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> An innocent family destroyed by a pointless act of revenge.
> 
> Oh well. As long as the betrayed partner "get's theirs" and feels better, it's all good.
> 
> "Casulties of war" I suppose.


Casualties of war, so to speak, but the damage was not caused by the BS exposing, but by the actions of the AP. Exposure is a consequence of the AP's and WS's actions. I agree with RtbP, the BS is only doing what is necessary to either save the marriage or "heal". The damage is on the AP and WS. There are times to be a nice guy and there are times to be a pr*ck; it doesn't pay to be a nice guy when dealing with infidelity.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> I mean if I actually was close to my family and all of them knew, I wouldn't want them to treat my W like s### for years when we have already R. Thats how my aunt's husband is treated after we learned he cheated.


Actually, I think this is a good thing, it comes with the territory.


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> An innocent family destroyed by a pointless act of revenge.
> 
> Oh well. As long as the betrayed partner "get's theirs" and feels better, it's all good.
> 
> "Casulties of war" I suppose.


Its not a "pointless act of revenge". It either helps kills the affair and expedite getting the WS of the damn fog or at the very least makes it extremely difficult to legitimize a relationship post-D.
Why should a BS feel any different. They clearly felt the same for the BS and their family. It isn't the BS thats destroys the AP's family its their actions that did, I'm just simply reporting them. Not going to lie, a good deal of it is motivated by petty revenge but there still is a legitimate reason for doing it.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> BS is only doing what is necessary to either save the marriage or "heal". The damage is on the AP and WS. There are times to be a nice guy and there are times to be a pr*ck; it doesn't pay to be a nice guy when dealing with infidelity.


You seem to think it's all black and white.

"Expose and do the damage" OR "Be a nice guy"

I disagree.

The BS can walk away from the cheater with their head high and self esteem intact, knowing they married a deceptive, cheating loser who they don't need in their life, and not expose or do anything out of the need to "get even", and still heal and not make a bad situation worse, and if a divorce is pending make things a heck of a lot easier on themselves by not doing something that almost guarantees an ugly, long, expensive divorce.

In fact the cheater might even be willing to give a settlement that is more than fair to the betrayed spouse out of guilt or just the urge to get on with their affair. That all goes up in smoke once the fighting starts.



Refuse to be played said:


> Not going to lie, a good deal of it is motivated by petty revenge


Take the high road. That's all I'm saying.


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Actually, I think this is a good thing, it comes with the territory.


To each their own then. The only one that has the right to verbally flay a WS is the BS. Once I get to the point were I stop with my W, I don't need anyone else doing it.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jay_gatsby said:


> Arbitrator, can I propose a scenario to you? What if it was your daughter? The details are unimportant, you just know she had an affair, divorced her husband or getting there... who would you support? You may even like the husband, but in the end, it's still your daughter, and you want her to be happy. Would you look at her any differently?


Arbitrator has been waiting a eternity to expose. His wife is trying to make him make her the benificiary on a life insurance policy. I would not recommend his attorney. 
One poster put his attorney friend on cheaterville that had an affair with his wife. His wife left him, his partners kicked him out, he no longer practices law he's a salesman. That's why cheaterville is so great.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay under the porch and whine.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> Small correction. You HOPE it's the truth.
> 
> Take a bitter lady (or man) and internet access, a picture of someone else they don't like and viola!
> 
> ...


I included pictures of not only the two people involved (WS and xOW) but also pictures of irrefutable proof/evidence of the affair. This mostly consisted of text/email communication with their names attached. A few other BS's whose lives the xOW had impacted in the past came forward and contributed proof on the profile I created, totally unsolicited by me. If I didn't know the xOW and googled her name and found this profile....I'd have no problem believing the info was legitimate. 

However, I can see where someone with a taste for revenge not related to adultery could post a totally false cheater profile. I'd judge on a case by case basis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

lenzi said:


> An innocent family destroyed by a pointless act of revenge.
> 
> Oh well. As long as the betrayed partner "get's theirs" and feels better, it's all good.
> 
> "Casulties of war" I suppose.


I saw a simple quote recently, "If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it." Another good one is you play, you pay. When you choose the behavior you choose the consequence.

I personally would never malign anyone without cause. I would never include names of people who weren't involved in the affair, such as family members. 

When my WS and the xOW decided to put the other BS and me at risk, they maligned both of us, deceived both of us. They should have chosen the high road and didn't. Posting honest info on sites like Cheaterville is just telling the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Only a fool would post a false profile on cheaterville and set themselves up for a libel lawsuit. Anyone posting there should only post facts that they believe and can back up or are positive the cheater can't prove is a lie.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> To each their own then. The only one that has the right to verbally flay a WS is the BS. Once I get to the point were I stop with my W, I don't need anyone else doing it.


What I really want to say is that, in the end, being a nice guy only gets you screwed.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Only a fool would post a false profile on cheaterville and set themselves up for a libel lawsuit. Anyone posting there should only post facts that they believe and can back up or are positive the cheater can't prove is a lie.


Who posted? Oh...that guy from cheatsmustdie @ hot male dot cum.

Which has existed three days. Not sure of how much identity proof the site requires, but want to bet it can be spoofed?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

With respect to Cheaterville:

1) Very few people know about it and I would dare say that in this world of the, literally, billions of people dating maybe .0000000000000000001% would check it first.

2) If I were going to date someone I wouldn't check Cheaterville even though I know it exists. 

3) If I did check that site and the person I was dating was on it, I'd ask them and see what they had to say. I mean, who is stupid enough to think that just because it's their that it is true? 

4) And if it was true, I still judge people by how they are with me and not someone else.

I think people make way too much out of that site.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think exposure is an act of revenge and a search for validation and sympathy. Just saying.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I think exposure is an act of revenge and a search for validation and sympathy. Just saying.


That's always a possibility, but certainly not the only reason.

I did so to help my ex get a grip on just what she was doing to me and our daughter as well as herself. The hope was that it would shame her out of it and also bring some pressure from friends and family to speak with her and get her on a more right track.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> That's always a possibility, but certainly not the only reason.
> 
> I did so to help my ex get a grip on just what she was doing to me and our daughter as well as herself. The hope was that it would shame her out of it and also bring some pressure from friends and family to speak with her and get her on a more right track.


This sounds like an attempt to shame someone into making a change. I personally would much rather have my WS choose to change because he desires it for himself and his family. Just Saying...


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> This sounds like an attempt to shame someone into making a change. I personally would much rather have my WS choose to change because he desires it for himself and his family. Just Saying...


Different strokes, I suppose.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I think exposure is an act of revenge and a search for validation and sympathy. Just saying.


Well, I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

thatbpguy; said:


> With respect to Cheaterville:
> 
> 1) Very few people know about it and I would dare say that in this world of the, literally, billions of people dating maybe .0000000000000000001% would check it first.
> 
> ...


You don't have to go directly to the site to know if someone is on Cheaterville. Google someone's name, something people do all the time, and if on there it'll come up along with whatever else is out there. I doubt most people would even know to go direct to a site like that, most people probably stumble across someone's profile while Googling the name. Before my WS's affair I had no idea Cheaterville existed although I had heard of 'Don't Date Him Girl' at some point in the past.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TryingToRecover said:


> You don't have to go directly to the site to know if someone is on Cheaterville. Google someone's name, something people do all the time, and if on there it'll come up along with whatever else is out there. I doubt most people would even know to go direct to a site like that, most people probably stumble across someone's profile while Googling the name. Before my WS's affair I had no idea Cheaterville existed although I had heard of 'Don't Date Him Girl' at some point in the past.


I don't know why, but if I were to date someone it probably would never occur to me to Google them. I would check and see what kind of RX they take.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I look at exposure this way.

First, it is an act of legitimate payback/revenge for a BS. People in affairs SHOULD feel the social and professional consequences for their scummy actions, and a person wronged by them has every right to exact this penalty.

Secondly, human beings will continue doing things until they suffer real consequences for their choices.

Many people here at TAM say in their posts that karma (ie consequences) will eventually catch up with the cheaters.

I say why wait for someone else or some random situation to do it. 

The BS has it within their reach to create at least some form of consequence for both the AP's.

The reason cheaters carry on in secrecy is because they do not want to be looked on as scummy people. Exposing rips aside this facade and forces them to face (to a greater or lesser extent since circumstances in each situation differ) social, and sometimes professional, condemnation for what they have done.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

thatbpguy; said:


> I don't know why, but if I were to date someone it probably would never occur to me to Google them. I would check and see what kind of RX they take.


Checking the RX is actually a good idea!

I haven't dated since the early 90's, the pre Google days.... pre Facebook, pre all of that. However, I do understand it's a pretty common thing a lot of people do these days with dating prospects. I know my two older kids (22yo and 21yo) have done it. My 22yo Googled a guy she was interested in a few years back who eventually asked her out. Whatever she found (no cheater profiles) 
told her all signs pointed to him being a player type. Turns out that Googling helped her dodge a bullet because he was in fact, a player. One of her friends ended up dating him instead and was cheated on repeatedly. Generally speaking, I believe that generation lean towards having a lot of social media accounts 
(Facebook, Instagram, etc) so their business tends to be out there and easy to find.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Exposure Is A Tool To Kill An Affair*



Shaggy said:


> What I don't get is why so many people are so negative on revenge.
> 
> Bad revenge is when you end up going to jail or paying fines.
> 
> ...


I agree. Whatever happened to good old fashioned honest shaming. It worked extremely well for many centuries. Now our seems as if society has determined it no longer has a place. How's that workin out so far?


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Both my attorney and IC agreed that it was best to only expose the hard evidence of her affairs to STBXW's immediate family and friends only after the divorce was consummated.
> 
> It's a given that it might give the WS time to polarize them against you, but in time, after seeing the evidence for themselves, they can continue to join the WS by their joint denial, or have it open their eyes up for them in seeing how the WS has so deceptively duped them.
> 
> ...


Most counselors fail at saving marriages because they will not put the WS feet to the fire.

All lawyers do not advocate exposure because they do not know how to kill and affair and save a marriage. They only know how to do divorce.

This lawyers and IC's advice was followed and was the marriage saved?

No.

Though the lawyer made money getting you divorced.

How much money would the lawyer of made if you exposed and recovered your marriage?

None, zero, O, zilch, nada.

Counselors tell people what they do not want to hear their customers will not come back. Lose customers the IC/MC lose money. Also they lose money the faster they straighten the WS and BS out.

As to exposing after the affair. No effect. No one cares. No affair to kill. Come across as a bitter XS that is unhappy they got dumped. The WS can paint the affair as your fault. That you drove them into the arms of the AP.

Their parents, siblings, and friends will go along with the line the WS feeds them. Now divorced they will not even pick up the phone to hear your side of the story.

At that point do not bother to expose.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> I not big on exposure to save a marriage. Don't get my wrong. Twenty+ years ago I was living a reprehensible amoral life. I got out of the "handy man" for married women business, met and married my wife. I married her because she had certain qualities that I wanted in a mate. Two such qualities was a strong romantic interest in me and loyalty.
> From my personal experience, I know that women who cheat have lost most of their romantic interest in their mate. They don't cheat if they are crazy about their husbands. (as revealed in many threads on this site. viz. "I love my husband but things went south as of late" type comments)
> I said that to say this. If she cheats, she will have lost romantic interest and I've lost both of these two key ingredients. Thus, she would have breached the contract. The marriage would have become less than I bargained for so "saving the marriage" would not be high on my priority list. I would rather replace her with someone who may live up to the promises they made.


Totally agree. And I would go even further and say that I am strongly opposed to exposure in most cases. In most cases, I do not feel it is helpful, either to have a returning WS get it out of his/her system, or to have a cooperative relationship with a stbx. WS has to return because he/she wanted to make it work with you ABOVE ALL OTHERS. NOT because you manipulated him/her by removal of their choice. I feel that exposure is a weak, beta move, that smacks of jealousy, insecurity and bitterness and is HIGHLY unattractive. In addition, it can escalate a divorce battle DRAMATICALLY, causing much pain for both parties and children too. The strong effective course is to dump the WS quietly and with dignity and move on to more successful relationships and activities without gossip or slander.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I think exposure is an act of revenge and a search for validation and sympathy. Just saying.


Exposure brings pressure on the AP's to end the affair by letting people that know them bringing their disapproval of their affair.

There is no validation of the BH.

Sympathy has no effect in ending an affair. Sympathy has never been given as a reason to expose. Sympathy has never been mentioned as a result of exposure.

Yes the BS can feel happy that the WS is now catching heat for cheating. Being happy for getting revenge on the WS has nothing to do with using exposure.

Revenge does not kill the affair. Revenge is just an unintended consequence of exposure. Making the BS feel happy is useless to kill an affair. Feeling good from getting even does not bring about pressure to end the affair.

So many understand so little about exposure, the why and how it works.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

bfree said:


> I agree. Whatever happened to good old fashioned honest shaming. It worked extremely well for many centuries. Now our seems as if society has determined it no longer has a place. How's that workin out so far?


Not workin out so good. Why we are losing morals as a nation. Presidents getting blowjobs in the oval office. Then claiming they did not have sex.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

theroad said:


> Exposure brings pressure on the AP's to end the affair by letting people that know them bringing their disapproval of their affair.
> 
> There is no validation of the BH.
> 
> ...


Your looking at exposure in a very limited fashion. The consequences of such an action are real. The act itself may not receive such reactions but there is a ripple affect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

tracyishere said:


> Your looking at exposure in a very limited fashion. The consequences of such an action are real. The act itself may not receive such reactions but there is a ripple affect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One of those consequences being that you can turn an ex who simply feels that they have to move on, into one that hates you for years.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> Your looking at exposure in a very limited fashion. The consequences of such an action are real. The act itself may not receive such reactions but there is a ripple affect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, but when you have everything to gain and nothing to lose well...


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

GetTough said:


> Totally agree. And I would go even further and say that I am strongly opposed to exposure in most cases. In most cases, I do not feel it is helpful, either to have a returning WS get it out of his/her system, or to have a cooperative relationship with a stbx. WS has to return because he/she wanted to make it work with you ABOVE ALL OTHERS. NOT because you manipulated him/her by removal of their choice. I feel that exposure is a weak, beta move, that smacks of jealousy, insecurity and bitterness and is HIGHLY unattractive. In addition, it can escalate a divorce battle DRAMATICALLY, causing much pain for both parties and children too. The strong effective course is to dump the WS quietly and with dignity and move on to more successful relationships and activities without gossip or slander.


The way not to end an affair, for too many reasons to address now, is letting the WS rut away with their AP.

How is manipulating a person by using the truth.

Exposure is not weak. It takes strength to over come the fear to use exposure. Many BS fear that exposure will cause their WS to get mad at them. So if they get the WS angrier at them what is the WS going to do?

Bang the AP?

No, the WS is already doing that now.

Since when has the telling of the truth been slander?

To say that is warped.

Telling the truth is acting with dignity.

Worried about kids. Saving a marriage protects the kids. Statistics show that growing up in a broken home leaves the kids disadvantaged on many levels. Yet you advocate getting divorced.


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

theroad said:


> Exposure brings pressure on the AP's to end the affair by letting people that know them bringing their disapproval of their affair.
> 
> There is no validation of the BH.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what part of the country you live in, but from where I sit, I don't see that exposure brings any pressure to the APs to stop what they are doing. Most family members will protect their own. And I believe that close friends of the APs probably already know, and will probably side with their friends, or are apathic to the plight of the BS. We are not living in a Victorian society. Infidelity is everywhere, your government, the news, most sitcoms, favorite movies, even your neighbors and yes, your friends. Honestly, how many of us do not know someone that is not involved in an A?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

theroad said:


> Most counselors fail at saving marriages because they will not put the WS feet to the fire.


This is very true.

We went to 3 different counselors and the ex was given a free pass each time.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

theroad said:


> You would not attempt to recover a marriage. So you would not do anything to say the marriage. Not right or wrong. It is your choice.




There may be a situation where I felt my willful actions led her to cheat. Nevertheless, from my experience, I have never seen a women cheat where she had not previously lost romantic interest in her husband. Once its gone, it never really ever comes back. 
You have to remember, that just because you have in mind to break the affair, save the marriage, and have things go back to happier times is not necessarily what she has in mind. Women have a big capacity to be done with being in love with a person.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I guess it all depends on the relationship you still have with the WS and your own comfort level in dealing with this issue as a couple. Some people may need that shock for reaity to sink in, others may get angry, my H probably would've ended his life. Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

tom67 said:


> I agree, but when you have everything to gain and nothing to lose well...


Think about that for a moment... Unless you and your WS are committed to R (and from what I have seen on this website, a small minority), what have you to gain with exposure? Spread the pain? Share in the shame? I would think you would want to protect the kids, and your assets, and move on to something better.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

theroad said:


> The way not to end an affair, for too many reasons to address now, is letting the WS rut away with their AP.
> 
> How is manipulating a person by using the truth.
> 
> ...


The thing is, that I come from a position that the best way to save a relationship, is to let the dead love die properly, fully, completely, with minimum drama and hate, so that a new love can re-emerge from the ashes. Not cling to the old, broken love as though life depended on it and stir up all kinds of sh1t in the process. In those situations, things take years to fix.

I am pro-family, but the focus should NOT be on saving the marriage, that is just a legal document, the focus should be on saving the relationship and the cooperation, especially when kids are involved. We have to look long-term. The way to save a relationship is to let the WS have the AP. Most experts in getting an ex back advise the number one BEST thing to do upon rejection is to accept it, but so few people can. Note that: exposure is far, far from acceptance. It's almost completely counter to it.

Moving on is strong and attractive. To fight for someone who has rejected you by destroying their relationship with AP and interfering in the relationships with their family and friends is repulsive in the extreme to many WS.s, and takes YEARS to recover from the bitterness that ensues.


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

GetTough said:


> The thing is, that I come from a position that the best way to save a relationship, is to let the dead love die properly, fully, completely, with minimum drama and hate, so that a new love can re-emerge from the ashes. Not cling to the old, broken love as though life depended on it and stir up all kinds of sh1t in the process. In those situations, things take years to fix.
> 
> I am pro-family, but the focus should NOT be on saving the marriage, that is just a legal document, the focus should be on saving the relationship and the cooperation, especially when kids are involved. We have to look long-term. The way to save a relationship is to let the WS have the AP. Most experts in getting an ex back advise the number one BEST thing to do upon rejection is to accept it, but so few people can. Note that: exposure is far, far from acceptance. It's almost completely counter to it.
> 
> Moving on is strong and attractive. To fight for someone who has rejected you by destroying their relationship with AP and interfering in the relationships with their family and friends is repulsive in the extreme to many WS.s, and takes YEARS to recover from the bitterness that ensues.


:iagree:
Kids do best when the parents are not at war. If divorce provides relief from that kind of tension, then the kids are better off.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Think about that for a moment... Unless you and your WS are committed to R (and from what I have seen on this website, a small minority), what have you to gain with exposure? Spread the pain? Share in the shame? I would think you would want to protect the kids, and your assets, and move on to something better.


What you aren't taking into account is the fact that affairs are fantasy plain and simple. Once reality is interjected into the fantasy the affair often falls apart. We've seen that hundreds of times here on TAM and it is why exposure is recommended by almost every known marital expert. Once the affair is broken and the WS starts to think clearly marriages can often be saved and the problems that might have contributed to the couple growing apart can be addressed. I personally know quite a few fWS that are damned good people so "moving on to something better" is not necessarily possible nor warranted...ESPECIALLY if there are children involved!


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> :iagree:
> Kids do best when the parents are not at war. If divorce provides relief from that kind of tension, then the kids are better off.


Wouldn't the children be better off with both parents together and in a strong marriage after reconciling post infidelity? Quite often exposure has proven to be an effective tool in accomplishing this.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

GetTough said:


> One of those consequences being that you can turn an ex who simply feels that they have to move on, into one that hates you for years.


Or you can turn a WS into a fWS who loves you for years after reconciliation.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> I am not sure what part of the country you live in, but from where I sit, I don't see that exposure brings any pressure to the APs to stop what they are doing. Most family members will protect their own. And I believe that close friends of the APs probably already know, and will probably side with their friends, or are apathic to the plight of the BS. We are not living in a Victorian society. Infidelity is everywhere, your government, the news, most sitcoms, favorite movies, even your neighbors and yes, your friends. Honestly, how many of us do not know someone that is not involved in an A?


So you just proved my earlier post that shaming is a device that should never have been eliminated from decent society. Thank you.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

GetTough said:


> The thing is, that I come from a position that the best way to save a relationship, is to let the dead love die properly, fully, completely, with minimum drama and hate, so that a new love can re-emerge from the ashes. Not cling to the old, broken love as though life depended on it and stir up all kinds of sh1t in the process. In those situations, things take years to fix.
> 
> I am pro-family, but the focus should NOT be on saving the marriage, that is just a legal document, the focus should be on saving the relationship and the cooperation, especially when kids are involved. We have to look long-term. The way to save a relationship is to let the WS have the AP. Most experts in getting an ex back advise the number one BEST thing to do upon rejection is to accept it, but so few people can. Note that: exposure is far, far from acceptance. It's almost completely counter to it.
> 
> Moving on is strong and attractive. To fight for someone who has rejected you by destroying their relationship with AP and interfering in the relationships with their family and friends is repulsive in the extreme to many WS.s, and takes YEARS to recover from the bitterness that ensues.


Horse hockey!

How many times have we seen two APs be allowed to "ride off into the sunset" together only to see their relationship crash and burn after a year or two? But by then it is too late to save the marriage AND the family. Wouldn't it be better to work together to save marriages and families BEFORE they are toe tagged!


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

theroad said:


> Most counselors fail at saving marriages because they will not put the WS feet to the fire.
> 
> All lawyers do not advocate exposure because they do not know how to kill and affair and save a marriage. They only know how to do divorce.




You make a lot of assumptions.

I'll give it my own shot.

Most counselors fail at saving marriages because the marriage is already dead by the time the couple shows up in the counselors office.

Lawyers do not advocate exposure because it increases the likelyhood of a difficult divorce, and they would rather not have to deal with that, it's frustrating and aggravating for the lawyer and more costly for their clients.

Right, lawyers are not trained in "exposing affairs and saving marriages". That's not their job. 

Truth is once there's an affair the odds are the marriage is already over.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You make a lot of assumptions.
> 
> I'll give it my own shot.
> 
> ...


All evidence to the contrary.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bfree said:


> All evidence to the contrary.


It was my understanding that most marriages do not survive infidelity.

A quick search seems to confirm.

From here

http://www.webwire.com/ViewPressRel.asp?aId=147733#.UgenC21XFCA

_ If you look specifically at physical affairs – The survival percent drops drastically – Just over half of the divorces were initiated because of sexual infidelity._

I guess what it comes down to is how remorseful the cheater is, and if the betrayed spouse would consider taking back a partner who had sex with someone else. I personally, would not.

No one is that important.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> It was my understanding that most marriages do not survive infidelity.
> 
> A quick search seems to confirm.
> 
> ...


Did you read the article you linked?

I quote:

_Surprisingly, this means that 78 percent of marriages in the USA manage to survive an affair and save their relationships._

In any case I don't trust statistical surveys because they are dependent on truthful responses and we've seen how that works out haven't we? Plus, many/most acts of infidelity do not get reported to those taking a survey. Most are just dealt with quietly. I prefer to gauge my opinion based on first hand knowledge and what I see here on TAM. And that is that if the affair ends in the early stages and both spouse really work at it, a better marriage can often be the result of a successful reconciliation. Exposure is often the key in ending an affair quickly and decisively. Then and only then can the work begin on repairing and strengthening the mariage.

And one other thing. I see many people here on TAM say they would never take back a cheater. Yet I also know for a fact that many times a person's approach to relationships can often set the stage for such betrayals. Now I'm not saying that it is the BS's fault that their partner cheated but if you never look in the mirror and see your weaknesses aren't you taking a huge risk that you will be forever floating from one relationship to another never having known if you contributed to the underlying problems? Isn't that a good reason to at least attempt to reconcile with a remorseful partner so that some personal growth can occur regardless of whether the marriage ends or not?


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You make a lot of assumptions.
> 
> I'll give it my own shot.
> 
> ...


An attorney should never advise you outside of the law. It would subject them to liability. It has nothing to do with fees other than if something went wrong with the exposure advice they would never to be able to practice again.

When talking to an attorney about exposure they can only comment on the legal aspects like defamation.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

bfree said:


> Did you read the article you linked?
> 
> I quote:
> 
> ...


I see a lot of people who quote Penn's bull. I am not saying this to be hurtful or attack anyone. Penn is selling service that is supported by her survey that has not been validated. Given they are countless of survey's showing the opposite done every year, let's be real.

To save a marriage after an A, both the WS and BS must commit 110%. The lead must be the WS however in the end the BS must forgive and help the WS. 

IMO it does not help if we give the answers everyone does it and everyone gets over it. That is not true. Most do not.

These stats (a fantasy just like the A), take away from the hard work the couples who R and the pain they go through.

I will always challenge anyone who attempts to R but always support them if they do.

I have nothing but respect for anyone who can R. It is the hardest thing anyone can do. Anyone who thinks it is common is just following themselves and will never truly be reconciled.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

bfree said:


> Horse hockey!
> 
> How many times have we seen two APs be allowed to "ride off into the sunset" together only to see their relationship crash and burn after a year or two? But by then it is too late to save the marriage AND the family. Wouldn't it be better to work together to save marriages and families BEFORE they are toe tagged!


It's never really too late. All it takes is both partners to want it enough. Not only is that sufficient condition it is also a necessary condition. Trying to break up the affair (at least in a way that WS can blame you for) is not conducive to WS wanting to try again.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GetTough said:


> One of those consequences being that you can turn an ex who simply feels that they have to move on, into one that hates you for years.


I would certainly hope that an ex and her ap would hate me for years, eternity actually. What any cheating couple think of me had better be hate because they disgust me to no end. Include their enablers too. Any chance I got to throw them under the karma bus would be taken too. There is a difference between revenge and justice. Families can expect neither with the current state of our progressive laws where an adulterer or homewrecker generally fares better than the betrayed spouse.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

GetTough said:


> It's never really too late. All it takes is both partners to want it enough. Not only is that sufficient condition it is also a necessary condition. Trying to break up the affair (at least in a way that WS can blame you for) is not conducive to WS wanting to try again.


Again, all evidence to the contrary. There are literally hundreds of books available on the subject of infidelity in a marriage. And to my knowledge all of them recommend exposure to break up an affair prior to attempting reconciliation. Why is it that people want to try to rewrite the book on infidelity when so many are so successful using exposure? Sometimes the exposure is limited to immediate family. Sometimes it is more widespread. Exposure is just another term for the old mate guarding behavior which has been encoded in our DNA since man "discovered" fire. There is a reason certain behaviors are intrinsic to our nature. It's because "mother nature" aka evolution has determined that it is a desirable behavior. Those that didn't mate guard didn't get to breed. You can build all the skyscrapers you want, social engineer yourselves until we're all living in a egalitarian slum, thank Al Gore for inventing the internet...but you cannot defeat or deny basic biological evolution.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Exposure works and I'm all for it when the AP is married or at least engaged. The other BH can help you kill the affair. Usually WS throw each other under the bus when their spouse finds out and threatens to leave. 
If the AP is single, exposure won't do much. Who you gonna expose to? His family? May sympathize, but will not disown him and take your part. Friends? They may or may not take sides, but little does it matter. Neighbors, co-workers? They will shrug, thinking "I feel sorry for you, but it's not my problem." Their boss? Depending if the affair was during on duty hours or affecting the job in any way, may get them in trouble. If not, the boss too will shrug "not my problem". 
People have their own problems, the world won't stop because someone slept around.

Another thing to consider is how much to expose and to whom, depending if you choose to R or D.
If you choose to D, you can go ahead, expose to everyone, throw them in the mud, go to their work and make them lose the job. That is revenge, no sugar coating. And for the pain you're feeling - it's ok.
But if you choose to R, getting your WS to lose their job will affect the income of the family, so you will suffer too. Plus the WS will resent you big time and put a great halt on the re-bonding.
As for exposing to your and his families when you want to R, the same, is unnecessary, and you too will suffer from it. His family? May scorn him, but also resent you for telling them - it's still his son. Visits may become awkward. Your family? They'll be completely on your side, but will start hating him from now on, so you will wish you kept your mouth shut. 

I'm all for exposure but you have to know where to draw the line.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Exposure works and I'm all for it when the AP is married or at least engaged. The other BH can help you kill the affair. Usually WS throw each other under the bus when their spouse finds out and threatens to leave.
> If the AP is single, exposure won't do much. Who you gonna expose to? His family? May sympathize, but will not disown him and take your part. Friends? They may or may not take sides, but little does it matter. Neighbors, co-workers? They will shrug, thinking "I feel sorry for you, but it's not my problem." Their boss? Depending if the affair was during on duty hours or affecting the job in any way, may get them in trouble. If not, the boss too will shrug "not my problem".
> People have their own problems, the world won't stop because someone slept around.
> 
> ...


If you reconcile and the affair was in the workplace the WS has to quit the job anyway. So what's the difference? Exposing to family is tricky and you have to know who you're dealing with and have a good idea of the reaction you will receive. But sometimes just the act of exposure will have surprising results. Sometimes the WS will find a newfound respect for the BS. Sometimes just the act of shining the light on the behavior will cause the WS to reflect on their actions. Sometimes just "the knowing" will have great effect on everyone. Frankly I can't see a reason not to expose. If the WS reacts that negatively then chances are that there was too much resentment present to successfully reconcile anyway. I've honestly never seen any BS regret exposure regardless of how the situation resolves itself.


----------



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

How is not exposing to the affair partners spouse taking the high road?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I think you're setting yourself up for more pain & hurt if the only reason you're going to expose an affair is to get your WS to come back to you.
It's like those who do the 180 because they think it's going to get their SO back.
Whether or not you expose is one thing, what is crucial is why you're doing it. 
Be prepared for exposure taking on a life of its own, spiraling out of your control, it's not just your life that is affected.


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> I think you're setting yourself up for more pain & hurt if the only reason you're going to expose an affair is to get your WS to come back to you.
> It's like those who do the 180 because they think it's going to get their SO back.
> Whether or not you expose is one thing, what is crucial is why you're doing it.
> Be prepared for exposure taking on a life of its own, spiraling out of your control, it's not just your life that is affected.


:iagree:
I think a lot of BSs here on TAM are willing to sacrifice everyone else for their own agenda when exposure is brought up. Going nuclear, scorched earth... those are terms used in warfare. I think selective exposure is probably a better solution. What we can't forget is that yes, as a BS you are hurt and in pain, but we can't forget that spreading that hurt and pain to everyone associated with the WS is like dropping bombs from 50,000 ft in days of old. Innocents will be hurt, and plenty. I think using smart bombs is probably better, will limit the colateral damage.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> :iagree:
> *I think a lot of BSs here on TAM are willing to sacrifice everyone else for their own agenda when exposure is brought up. * Going nuclear, scorched earth... those are terms used in warfare. I think selective exposure is probably a better solution. What we can't forget is that yes, as a BS you are hurt and in pain, but we can't forget that spreading that hurt and pain to everyone associated with the WS is like dropping bombs from 50,000 ft in days of old. *Innocents will be hurt, and plenty. I think using smart bombs is probably better, will limit the colateral damage.*


I don't understand that line of thinking. Any innocents who may be hurt are going to be hurt by the actions of the cheating spouse - not by the spouse of the WS or the spouse of the AP who chooses to expose an affair. There is no such thing as a "limited exposure". Once exposed - even to one person - the chances are that it will reach everyone anyways sooner or later. 

Also, exposure is a natural reaction for someone who was wronged. If some strange man came to your house and beat the crap out of you, would you be wrong to call the authorities and expose the crime he committed against you? Surely you wouldn't keep quiet just because the guy happened to have a wife and two small kids at home, would you? And would it be your fault if the kids suffered because the man lost his job and went to prison because he decided to beat you to within an inch of your life? Of course not.


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't understand that line of thinking. Any innocents who may be hurt are going to be hurt by the actions of the cheating spouse - not by the spouse of the WS or the spouse of the AP who chooses to expose an affair. There is no such thing as a "limited exposure". Once exposed - even to one person - the chances are that it will reach everyone anyways sooner or later.
> 
> Also, exposure is a natural reaction for someone who was wronged. If some strange man came to your house and beat the crap out of you, would you be wrong to call the authorities and expose the crime he committed against you? Surely you wouldn't keep quiet just because the guy happened to have a wife and two small kids at home, would you? And would it be your fault if the kids suffered because the man lost his job and went to prison because he decided to beat you to within an inch of your life? Of course not.


First, there are differences in the two scenarios. In the case with the assault, that is a criminal offense and no one would argue what needs to be done.

In the second, while also a wrong, it is not quite as black and white. Yes, cheating is wrong, but it's not a crime in most jurisdictions, or it's not enforceable. The better analogy would be if the stranger came in and assaulted your wife. And it turns out the stranger is not really a stranger, he was invited in by your wife. Then to top it off, after further investigation, was there really an assault?

Do you see where I am going with this? Yes, now you have to decide whether to press charges, knowing very well at trial that your wife maybe at fault. It's hard to illustrate what I'm trying to say, but sometimes it's best to keep exposure to who needs to know. The offender in this case is in the wrong, but he is not the only one.

It's early and I have not had my coffee. Maybe I can come back to this analogy and flesh it out later.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> First, there are differences in the two scenarios. In the case with the assault, that is a criminal offense and no one would argue what needs to be done.
> 
> In the second, while also a wrong, it is not quite as black and white. Yes, cheating is wrong, but it's not a crime in most jurisdictions, or it's not enforceable. The better analogy would be if the stranger came in and assaulted your wife. And it turns out the stranger is not really a stranger, he was invited in by your wife. Then to top it off, after further investigation, was there really an assault?
> 
> ...


The offenses are different in that with assault you can go to prison while with cheating you are not breaking any laws. But those are merely outcomes. It's quite possible for someone to elect to not report an assault - especially if the assailant is known. But to me it's beside the point. The bottom line is that someone who is damaged, or has his/her property damaged (for lack of a better way to phrase it) will not care if a law was broken or not if the damage done was intentional and morally wrong. 

The bottom line is if someone damages you, you are entirely within your rights and justified to take action against the person who wronged you. Infidelity will make your family permanently different. Just like a victim of an assault can rehabilitate himself/herself and possibly make his/her health better than it ever was, a marriage that is assaulted by infidelity can end up stronger too. Unlike in the case of an assault, the marriage has a significantly lower chance of survival.

We all need to take responsibility for the decisions we make. If we are intentionally wronging someone, we are at the mercy of the wronged person. So long as the wronged person acts legally, it is not his/her fault if a despicable person suffers a similar fate, i.e. his/her family gets broken up along with the family of a BS.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Exposure works and I'm all for it when the AP is married or at least engaged. The other BH can help you kill the affair. Usually WS throw each other under the bus when their spouse finds out and threatens to leave. 
If the AP is single, exposure won't do much. Who you gonna expose to? His family? May sympathize, but will not disown him and take your part. Friends? They may or may not take sides, but little does it matter. Neighbors, co-workers? They will shrug, thinking "I feel sorry for you, but it's not my problem." Their boss? Depending if the affair was during on duty hours or affecting the job in any way, may get them in trouble. If not, the boss too will shrug "not my problem". 
People have their own problems, the world won't stop because someone slept around.


Let's clear up some errors. Exposure does not always work. Exposure can and has worked when the AP is single. I would not let my single kids date a WS.

Yes some friends and family will not care and call on the WS to stop cheating. Because exposure does not get 100% support you claim it will not work. Well exposure will and does work without 100% support of those exposed.

Same with work exposure. It can and has worked. To not do a work place exposure because there is no guarantee. Nothing would get done in life if we all had to get guarantees.

Another thing to consider is how much to expose and to whom, depending if you choose to R or D.
If you choose to D, you can go ahead, expose to everyone, throw them in the mud, go to their work and make them lose the job. That is revenge, no sugar coating. And for the pain you're feeling - it's ok.
But if you choose to R, getting your WS to lose their job will affect the income of the family, so you will suffer too. Plus the WS will resent you big time and put a great halt on the re-bonding.
As for exposing to your and his families when you want to R, the same, is unnecessary, and you too will suffer from it. His family? May scorn him, but also resent you for telling them - it's still his son. Visits may become awkward. Your family? They'll be completely on your side, but will start hating him from now on, so you will wish you kept your mouth shut. 


Called consequences. Those WS that do not have to face the consequences from having an affair most likely go on to have more affairs.

Preserving a marriage and a family is more important then saving a job. The WS danced. He now has to pay the band. They have no right to complain that they over paid the band. Or the dance was not worth the price.


I'm all for exposure but you have to know where to draw the line.


Limited exposure never works. There can never be a line drawn.

Though if the WS and the AP do not work for the same Co. or one of them is not a client, sub contractor, or customer a work place exposure could be held off.

Tell neighbors? Well when the AP lives on your block all the other people on the block need to know that a AP lives on the block so they can protect their marriages from a local predator. Also will place pressure on the AP to sell and move away. Which is needed for NC.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> :iagree:
> Going nuclear, scorched earth... those are terms used in warfare.


They are at war. Fighting to save their marriage and family.

Being a Neville Chamberlain will only get your head handed to you.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> In the second, while also a wrong, it is not quite as black and white. Yes, cheating is wrong, but it's not a crime in most jurisdictions,


Not in a court but in the Ten Commandments it is a crime.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> With respect to Cheaterville:
> 
> 1) Very few people know about it and I would dare say that in this world of the, literally, billions of people dating maybe .0000000000000000001% would check it first.
> 
> ...


But. If you type in the XOM's name on google, guess which site pops up with his pic? Cheaterville. Just saying. Also, I have had over 4 million hits on his post. Did it stop the A? No. But for me i still get some satisfaction over it. 

Exposure did end the A the second time (at least it seems to have ended). Exposure also ruined my wife's relationships with many in her family, almost all her friends (most no longer have contact with her), and our youngest son, whom she use to have a great relationship. To tell you the truth, it was not even so much the A but all the lies my wife told folks. Mac, is mean and abusive, Mac is spending money like a mad man, Yea, Mac more than likely cheated, etc. Once those lies were revealed, along with the cheating, her friends headed for the hills, and so did many in her family.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bfree said:


> If you reconcile and the affair was in the workplace the WS has to quit the job anyway.
> 
> Frankly I can't see a reason not to expose.


Have you been reading all the posts? I gave at least one good reason not to expose. 

Here's another. (Besides the one I posted about earlier where exposure may increase the conflict and lead to a much longer, drawn out, expensive divorce).

If a workplace affair is exposed and the cheater loses their job and the couple ultimately divorce, the betrayed spouse will likely have to pay support to the now-unemployed spouse.

Talk about adding insult to injury.



movin on said:


> How is not exposing to the affair partners spouse taking the high road?


Exposure is a petty, vindictive act of revenge which makes it clear that the betrayed spouse is angry and bitter and can't get over it.

Unless it's done as an act of desperation to try to get the cheater out of their 'affair fog' and win them back.



Thorburn said:


> To tell you the truth, it was not even so much the A but all the lies my wife told folks. Mac, is mean and abusive, Mac is spending money like a mad man, Yea, Mac more than likely cheated, etc. Once those lies were revealed, along with the cheating, her friends headed for the hills, and so did many in her family.


It's too bad you even cared what her friends and family thought about her.

Get to a place where it doesn't matter.

A place where SHE doesn't matter.


----------



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Exposure is a petty, vindictive act of revenge which makes it clear that the betrayed spouse is angry and bitter and can't get over it.



Lenzi I don't know how or why you think this but your way off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Have you been reading all the posts? I gave at least one good reason not to expose.
> 
> Here's another. (Besides the one I posted about earlier where exposure may increase the conflict and lead to a much longer, drawn out, expensive divorce).
> 
> ...


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> It's too bad you even cared what her friends and family thought about her.
> 
> Get to a place where it doesn't matter.
> 
> A place where SHE doesn't matter.


They're reconciling. :banghead:


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bfree said:


> That's just silly. Show me one time when a spouse that might have originally said they would be reasonable in the divorce actually stuck to that statement.


It's not about a spouse keeping their promise about being reasonable, it's about keeping things civil so the parties have a reasonable chance of working things out in mediation or at least being able to solve some of the issues on their own without having to use attorneys for everything, and yes, mediation and divorce settlements agreed upon between two relatively amicable people happen all the time and so do highly contested divorces that cost 100s of thousands of dollars and go to trial because the angry spouses want to 'get what's theirs' even if it costs more to fight for it than what it's worth, because at that point it's not about the money or the material things it's about getting the upper hand and getting 'even'. The courts are full of people like this.



bfree said:


> Every divorce I've seen ends up hostile or at the very least the WS ends up pushing for much more than they originally asked for. Divorces are managed by lawyers and they will push their clients toward whatever settlement THEY want. The attitude of the spouse means nothing.


I disagree. I've spoken to people who got divorced amicably and used the attorneys only for the bare minimum. My girlfriend got divorced from her spouse in a very amicable way, the total cost was under $10,000 and they effectively coparent their only child.

Sure, some attorneys will try to manipulate their clients into fighting it out so they can pad their own pockets with legal fees. That does not mean the client is a puppet and the attorney pulls the strings to extract more money from them. The outcome depends on the ethics of the attorney, _and the attitude of their client. _



bfree said:


> An eventual divorce shouldn't be considered at that point unless that's the way the BS is leaning. I wouldn't advocate exposure once a divorce is likely to be the outcome.


Well, we can agree to disagree on that one. Or all of this. I certainly think a divorce SHOULD be considered when there's been infidelity and how actions now can affect that potential divorce. Having been through a long, ugly, expensive, highly litigated divorce I advocate avoiding going that route whenever possible. The main way to get there is to keep things civil. 



bfree said:


> No. Insult to injury is allowing the APs to run off together. "Hi son, let me introduce Mr. OM. You can just call him dad."


Allow the APs to go run off together. The betrayed spouse is better than that. They don't need, or want such a dishonest, unfaithful, deceptive person in their lives.

"Yes son, your mom found someone else she prefers to be with. I would have preferred she ended our marriage first but hey to each his own. I wish her well, and that's all I'm going to say about that. She's still your mom but she's no longer my wife. I'm your dad and always will be. You can count on me to always be there for you and I will always be honest with you."

Walk away.

With self respect and self esteem relatively intact.

No need for petty vindictive acts of revenge. You're better than that.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Lenzi,

I don't agree that people who do not engage in revenge are in any way a 'better' person than those who do.

People are different. 

Some have no desire to seek pay back for the wrongs done to them. And if they can live at peace with themselves afterwords and this seems a better path for them to follow, based on how they view themselves as a person, then I am in complete support of that.

But I don't think that makes them better or morally superior to a person who refuses to be wronged and will seek out justice for themselves.

As guilty as some people would feel over exacting revenge, others would feel equally worthless if they felt they had not stood up for themselves.

I think everyone must follow the path that is true to them.

And just as I would never judge a person who refused to retaliate when they were wronged if they felt it was the best path for them to follow, I would not like to be judged because I will seek to payback people who have injured me.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> And just as I would never judge a person who refused to retaliate when they were wronged if they felt it was the best path for them to follow, I would not like to be judged because I will seek to payback people who have injured me.


Some people are going to judge you for your actions and some will approve and some will not.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't give a damn what other people think of me- unless they are in my VERY small close circle of friends and relatives- and even then I might consider what they have to say but it's not going to make or break me. 

The rest of those random people or acquaintances or perfect strangers who happen to share the planet with me can judge to their heart's content, they can point the finger and scowl or they can nod in agreement, it's all the same to me. 

Except of course when it comes to those whom I depend on for my income- they matter!


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Lenzi,
> 
> I don't agree that people who do not engage in revenge are in any way a 'better' person than those who do.
> 
> ...


If I could like this post 1,000 times, I would.

I grew up in NYC, an Italian American Male. In that street culture, having someone get over on you (injure in any way) and you let them get away with it without extracting some form of "payment" or revenge was an incredible sign of personal weakness. You lost all respect and credibility ... if nothing else you became a target. This is the culture in which I grew up and those "values" have stood with me my entire life. I employ this mindset in my personal life and especially in the corporate world ... and it has served me well in both areas. I'm not saying that I'm a nasty bastard to everyone, but it's just known that you can't screw with me.

This is why I can't understand not wanting to extract revenge against an AP or your WS, under any circumstances; for all the reasons I mentioned above. In the end, if I didn't extract some sort of revenge and let them get away scott free, I couldn't live with myself.

Where is Machiavelli when you need him? I'd ask him: "Is it better to be loved or feared."


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> "Is it better to be loved or feared."


Its better to be respected. And nobody respects a doormat.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Lenzi,

I agree on not caring what other people think. I could care less if people judge me for being a person who will seek revenge.

My attitude it too bad for you if you have a problem with it. I don't live my life according to your approval.

So, on that point I'm with you 100%.

I think what I was referring to was more of a general courtesy or civility between people.

I not only do not judge people who see things different from me, I truly actually try to support them walking their own path and being true to themselves, even if it is a decision I would never personally make.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

bfree,

I agree. Nothing beats genuine respect for gaining respectful treatment in the world. It beats the others by a mile.

But if I HAD to choose between the other two, I'd take feared in a heartbeat.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> II grew up in NYC, an Italian American Male. In that street culture, having someone get over on you (injure in any way) and you let them get away with it without extracting some form of "payment" or revenge was an incredible sign of personal weakness. You lost all respect and credibility ... if nothing else you became a target. This is the culture in which I grew up


Interesting cultural perspective. Get revenge, get even or be disrespected and be seen as a weak target.

Of course those are just irrational fears. No one is going to target you if you don't get retribution for an affair. If she cheats on you, she doesn't respect you, that's all there is too it. The respect was long gone and you won't get it back by say, posting the other man's name on cheaterville or something of that nature. 



The Middleman said:


> In the end, if I didn't extract some sort of revenge and let them get away scott free, I couldn't live with myself.


The best revenge is living well, and putting the cheater and anything and everything to do with them behind you not by doing all these petty things to try and make their life miserable.

The best message to send is that your time and effort is worth more than them. It's also a more healthy and practical way to live your life.

Or not. But don't fool yourself, you won't earn any respect by going and telling everyone how your spouse cheated on you.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Interesting cultural perspective. Get revenge, get even or be disrespected and be seen as a weak target.
> 
> Of course those are just irrational fears. No one is going to target you if you don't get retribution for an affair. If she cheats on you, she doesn't respect you, that's all there is too it. The respect was long gone and you won't get it back by say, posting the other man's name on cheaterville or something of that nature.
> 
> ...


Lenzi,

Let's say you're married. Your wife cheats on you with a guy who turns out to be a serial cheater or player type. You find absolutely no value in warning the public at large that this guy is trouble? If he is married you would let his wife hang swinging in the wind ignorant of his dalainces? See I have a very strict personal moral code and feel very strong in regards to my social responsibilities in general. I couldn't allow that to go unchallenged.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bfree said:


> Lenzi,
> 
> Let's say you're married. Your wife cheats on you with a guy who turns out to be a serial cheater or player type. You find absolutely no value in warning the public at large that this guy is trouble? If he is married you would let his wife hang swinging in the wind ignorant of his dalainces?


Yes there is value in warning the population of the earth that some guy is public enemy #1.

Would I personally go to the trouble of notifying his wife or anyone else?

Probably not. I'm not the sort of guy who goes around filling up church collection bins or serving soup in homeless shelters.



bfree said:


> See I have a very strict personal moral code and feel very strong in regards to my social responsibilities in general. I couldn't allow that to go unchallenged.


You've got a higher level of moral code than I do, and I accept and respect that.

But you're changing the argument.

Now you're saying exposure is good for society as a whole and I'm not arguing with you there although as I said I'm not as concerned about my fellow man or some random woman who is being cheated on.

Exposing on a personal level to extract revenge is another matter entirely. I've already stated my position against doing that.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Yes there is value in warning the population of the earth that some guy is public enemy #1.
> 
> Would I personally go to the trouble of notifying his wife or anyone else?
> 
> ...


----------



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

bfree said:


> Its better to be respected. And nobody respects a doormat.


This is exactly right on. A large part of it is about getting your own self respect back. And that is done by standing up for yourself. The only person's opinion who should matter to you is your own. If you like the person looking back in the mirror at you then you've done the right thing.

Plus at the end of the day it is about truth. It is exposing the truth. 

I have wrestled with it because it feels like I was going to harm someone(the OM's wife). The reality is I am not the person that caused harm. I am the messenger but it was not my ACTIONS that caused the harm. That was the biggest hurdle for me to get over.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Revenge is a populations way of maintaining balance and weeding out cheaters. All kinds of cheaters. When you're exacting revenge you're carrying out your small part that maintains balance. Revenge is a selfless act but we have evolved to feel like it is a selfish act. That is an illusion. People who go seeking revenge really should dig two graves. Essentially you are helping the population to maintain balance of cooperators vs cheaters at your own expense. Good for you if your instincts tell you to do that, but don't for a second kid yourself that it's in your own self-interest. Play Risk. Self-interest is served by live and let live. Gather strength quietly.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GetTough said:


> Revenge is a populations way of maintaining balance and weeding out cheaters. All kinds of cheaters. When you're exacting revenge you're carrying out your small part that maintains balance. Revenge is a selfless act but we have evolved to feel like it is a selfish act. That is an illusion. People who go seeking revenge really should dig two graves. Essentially you are helping the population to maintain balance of cooperators vs cheaters at your own expense. Good for you if your instincts tell you to do that, but don't for a second kid yourself that it's in your own self-interest. Play Risk. Self-interest is served by live and let live. Gather strength quietly.


Culling the herd I like it!


----------



## thebetrayedspouse (Aug 19, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> If I could like this post about 100 times, I most certainly would.
> 
> I learned a key fact about the xOW from a much earlier OM of hers who I met late last year. Not only was xOW a serial cheater but also a bit of a bully and generally expected people to back down from her. The xOW believing she's somehow intimidating to people only encouraged me to proceed with exposure of the scorched earth kind. Her BS, her BS's family, her family, work, her boss, friends, and a site similar to Cheaterville. Way back when she told her xBS and my WS it was "really unfair and mean" of me to do that.....oh, the irony. :lol:
> 
> ...


To: TryingToRecover
I really admire you posts. I have recently caught my husband starting to have an affair with an old high school girlfriend that he got reacquainted with on facebook. Supposedly no sex had taken place yet, just suggestive facebook messages, emails, texts (sexting) - which I unfortunately read alot of them. I asked him to end it with her, which he said he wouldn't do over the phone, said he couldn't hurt her like that - that pissed me off. Anyway - it is supposedly over, even though I am struggling to believe that, after seeing what they were saying to each other. 
You said you told the OW's husband, etc. Were you not worried that once he found out and dumped her that your husband and her would get back together?


----------



## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

thebetrayedspouse said:


> To: TryingToRecover
> I really admire you posts. I have recently caught my husband starting to have an affair with an old high school girlfriend that he got reacquainted with on facebook. Supposedly no sex had taken place yet, just suggestive facebook messages, emails, texts (sexting) - which I unfortunately read alot of them. I asked him to end it with her, which he said he wouldn't do over the phone, said he couldn't hurt her like that - that pissed me off. Anyway - it is supposedly over, even though I am struggling to believe that, after seeing what they were saying to each other.
> You said you told the OW's husband, etc. Were you not worried that once he found out and dumped her that your husband and her would get back together?


Same thing here, old HS GF. They had sex 4 times and she is totally madly in love with him and cannot live without him so she says. They have spent hours on the phone and hours sexting. She send porn of herself to him as a reminder. (yes I have seen the vids/pics and the emails). She is in love with a 17 year old kid who is not the same now and she is in love with an internet/phone persona and so is he. But if they are so happy with each other and soul mates, then more power to them.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

thebetrayedspouse said:


> . I asked him to end it with her, which he said he wouldn't do over the phone, said he couldn't hurt her like that - that pissed me off. Anyway - it is supposedly over


You might want to consider starting your own thread rather than posting your story on someone else's thread. It's not only 'bad forum etiquette' but you won't get too much in the way of a response.

That much being said, I'm afraid you're not handling the situation with your husband in an appropriate manner.

First of all you "asked" him to end the affair, the proper action would be to kick his a$$ out of the house and/or tell him divorce is imminent if he doesn't cut all contact with her immediately.

Secondly you allowed him to pull even more crap by saying he 'wouldn't end it over the phone' because he 'doesn't want to hurt her'. Your needs have become secondary to him and that doesn't bode well for you and a positive relationship going forward.

Your third mistake is assuming he's being honest with you when he says it's over. Don't take his word for it, he's already shown you that he cannot be trusted. There are ways to find out for sure.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

lenzi said:


> "Yes son, your mom found someone else she prefers to be with. I would have preferred she ended our marriage first but hey to each his own. I wish her well, and that's all I'm going to say about that. She's still your mom but she's no longer my wife. I'm your dad and always will be. You can count on me to always be there for you and I will always be honest with you."


Talk about sugar coating. Barf!


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

theroad said:


> Talk about sugar coating. Barf!


Everyone has their own methods and ways. What works for you may not work for him. I happen to agree with Lenzi method here.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Everyone has their own methods and ways. What works for you may not work for him. I happen to agree with Lenzi method here.


Somehow, I knew you would.


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

3putt said:


> Somehow, I knew you would.


Does that make me less a person? We all have differing opinions. That does not make one right or wrong, more or less.


----------



## thebetrayedspouse (Aug 19, 2013)

lenzi said:


> You might want to consider starting your own thread rather than posting your story on someone else's thread. It's not only 'bad forum etiquette' but you won't get too much in the way of a response.
> 
> That much being said, I'm afraid you're not handling the situation with your husband in an appropriate manner.
> 
> ...


Lenzi

Sorry for posting on this thread.


----------

