# Absolutely Devastated.... OW is moving back to town



## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

Well.... the b*tch is back

Got the devastating news this am and I have been reeling ever since. For anyone who hasn't followed my posts my H had a 4 month EA/PA with his coworker. After Dday they both transferred positions, my H within a 40 min commute of our town, and the OW 3 hours away (exactly where I enjoyed having her!)

The OW and the OWM have now decided to work things out. I am actually shocked it is happening considering the OWM had already started dating and had a gf, but apparently she has manipulated him back into the relationship (I realize the irony of this statement considering I am also attempting to work things out with my H)

So what this means is that I now have to share a <5000 person town with a serious "class act". She has done nothing but berate me in the past 3 and a half months including telling me it was my fault my husband was attracted to her because i needed "to lose 80lbs" and laughing in my face the first time I ran into her when she was down visiting her child. 

Part of me feels like I may as well run for the hills now.... The other part of me is just deadly pissed off. 

To top that all off, tonight my husband revealed this deep dark secret about the OW's past that, frankly is awful, and I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I felt like it was an excuse he was using to say - you would be an awful person too if this happened to you. So two things from that - 1. It felt like he was saying the way she has treated me is understandable given her past (not OK - but understandable), and 2. it made me realize how intimate and emotionally involved they really were. No one shares this type of information with a random hook-up. He obviously cared (or cares??) about her and that just kills me.


Dear God someone give me some friggin advice. I am losing my mind.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> To top that all off, tonight my husband revealed this deep dark secret about the OW's past that, frankly is awful, and I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...


Well, gee, guess what? It HAS happened to your worst enemy!

Or did it. Let me share this terrible, tragic story with you.

A woman was subject to a number of very serious sexual assaults by her boyfriend. He had also severely beaten her.

She told her family and friends and the police and they arrested him. He was refused bail, as the charges against him were so serious.

A terrible, tragic story. *And all utterly and completely untrue!*

She had given the police a specific time and date for one alleged incident, yet the boyfriend had proof that he had been away from town for the entire week on a course. On the day and time in question he had been in a class room full of other students and a lecturer.

Whilst they were starting to get suspicious of her evidence they had a message from a police station from the other side of the country. "If you have a P.R. who has made allegations of x, y and z, please be aware that she made similar false accusations against her then boy friend and we believe she did the same thing in at least one other area."

She ended up doing jail-time for perverting the course of justice.

Just because someone gives you or your H a sob story doesn't mean it is true.

And even if true, it doesn't give people a license to be evil.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Look up jinba's posts if you haven't many times already, she is in a similar boat--and the OW was once a friend of hers!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

henley said:


> So what this means is that I now have to share a <5000 person town with a serious "class act".


I bet her husband feels the same way.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

henley said:


> Well.... the b*tch is back
> 
> Got the devastating news this am and I have been reeling ever since. For anyone who hasn't followed my posts my H had a 4 month EA/PA with his coworker. After Dday they both transferred positions, my H within a 40 min commute of our town, and the OW 3 hours away (exactly where I enjoyed having her!)
> 
> ...


First off, should she show any disrespect to you, I would inform her H that she is harassing you. As the BS in the first place, and since the OW is attempting to reconcile with HER BS, I suspect that he would also be concerned with her interaction with you and insist on NC with either you or your H.

As to her secret past. Is this something her H would know? Is this something that she fears would become public knowledge? If so, I would use it as a ace in the hole.  I would threaten to reveal it should she continue to have any interaction with you at all. Maybe that's why your H told you. For you to use that information at your discretion. It could be construed as a "gift" depending on what it is.

My advise would be to take the upper hand; territorial rights. This is your home (town) and she will NOT make you uncomfortable, or you will show her what the "scarlet letter" looks like. Play it cool, but be alert to any signs that she is attempting to involve herself in your or your family's affairs. And also let your H know that you will not tolerate any disrespect from her whatsoever.

Good luck to you.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone. The "secret" isn't something I could use again without make myself look like a huge insensitive b*tch. Her BF would know as well, and frankly I would imagine that is half the reason he is working on things with her. It sounds like she is saying the reason she has done what she has done is because of her horrible past. Well guess what sweet heart... walk a mile in anyones shoes and we all have our baggage. I am in no way comparing her issues to anything that has happened to me, but for example - the fact that my H had an affair doesn't give me the right to belittle someone else because I hate the world..... and it certainly doesn't give me the right to cheat on any future partners I might have if things don't work out between my H and me. 

My husband knows I won't put up with any crap from her anymore but without breaking NC there isn't really a whole lot he can do about it.... and I would rather the NC remain and I get some grief from her then they strike up a conversation again.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

i know it is drastic, but can you move? our r. didn't really take off until hubby quit the job and took one 2 hours away. now our life moves on in entirely different circles. there is no real oh-did-you-take-her-here-too, because everywhere and everything is new. it is truly a fresh start. i didn't think we could do it, it was too drastic, and i hated to have to move b/c i didn't do anything wrong. but if you both are truly trying for r., it may just be the best thing for you all--a new start.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I have thought about moving but I stepped out of school and into my dream job in December.... one that people in my position and level of experience (or lack there of!) rarely get the opportunity to pursue! Literally, I haven't met a person in my profession yet that hasn't started the conversation with "wow - you are so young! you are lucky to have gotten this job"

Soooo leaving, would essentially be career suicide. And the OW and her OWM wont be leaving either. My husband refuses to work in our town now, so he travels 40 minutes for work. 

Not to mention our family is here...

He really royally screwed me here!! grrrr!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Do you recognize that you have let your emotional state be completely affected by the actions of someone else, someone you claim to have no respect for?

I understand your pain though, and I get that in a small town it is impossible to avoid having atleast some sort of relation to her (as in she is someone from your community, she used to be a friend of a friend, she cheated with your H, she's so-and-so's cousin)... these things are inescapable though, and I think the real reason it is such an issue is because its your trusting relationship with your H that is not restored.

I know you are hurting but as you heal you will get better at having indifference to those you want nothing to do with, but as long as you harbor hate you will continue granting this [email protected] power over you.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I think you are totally right Lon. 

I've been trying to build myself up in my head for the inevitable run ins that will happen and hopefully being mentally prepared to react indifferently will come to fruition when the time comes. 

Unfortunately, seeing her vehicle at my H's old work place (which I pass to get to mine) is currently enough to make the bottom fall out of my stomach.... but as you said... Time is helping


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My H told me all sorts of things about his OW too, that were supposedly true. Even if they were true, the worst thing you can do for someone with any kind of troubled past is to affirm that past by being sorry for them and making special allowances for them and allowing them to behave poorly and disgracefully because 'they have a rock solid excuse that can/will be used as long as they are alive...and then their kids can use it too...we are rats because our mama was messed up..." As someone with a troubled past I had no control over, trust me, it's no excuse for anything. Don't buy into the pity thinking. Oh, and by the way, getting f*cked by someone else's husband doesn't remedy the past and make it okay. If you follow his logic, that's what he's saying. So, okay, now you had something horrible happen to you, and it's nobody's business to say how bad it is or not, but yours. If you are really traumatized by it, tell your husband you have a past now too, and you'll use it as an excuse to be a b*tch. Honestly, some people, past is past, if someone thinks they can get away with something because someone did something bad to them in the past, they're really messed up. I mean, did what happen to them feel SO GOOD that they decided to give someone else the benefit of the SAME OR MORE misery? Doesn't make sense. At. All.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It just sucks.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Just remember that you had total control over yourself in your past situation. Other parties did not. You STILL have remarkable control over yourself. Other parties may not. Be prepared for it. Keep yourself in a position of staying in touch with yourself and knowing that you are in control and have authentic power, whereas other people have things such as manipulation, using sex to get what they want, fear and anxiety imposed on other people, etc.


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