# Advice please



## askingforadvice

Hi everyone:
My wife and I we have been separated for more than a year and a half, the separation it self has been very very painful, after months and months of asking her to go to counseling she finally accepted the idea, I found a good counselor in AZ, although she told me a lot of things lately and although I do understand now her point of view, concerns and fears, and I do want to work out things for good, and avoid the pitfalls of the past, she told me that she's not sure if things will work out and if they don't I should let her go.........I don't know but I have the idea that she's basically saying yes to counseling with the purpose of looking for closure, and move ahead.
Can someone give me a clear input if that's how am I seeing things or am I really paranoid?
We've been married for more than 10 years, and although things were bad a couple of years, I do believe in redemption, forgiveness and working things out, we have a toddler daughter and none of us was involved in any type of extra marital affair.
Thanks


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## 827Aug

Well, my estranged husband showed up to our first marriage counseling session and announced his sole purpose for being there was to get an amicable divorce. At least I had a good idea which direction we were headed. However, during that same time period he was giving me so many mixed signals. If you and your wife have been separated a year and a half, I'd say she is probably leaning towards moving on. But, perhaps something at counseling will change her heart. Something has kept her from filing for divorce thus far.

Wishing the best for you.


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## VLR

I've been married a long time, separated and now back on speaking terms with my wife. I'm no expert on anything, so don't put too much stock in my opinion; however, it seems as though your purpose in counseling has to be to pursue emotional and relational well-being for yourself as an individual and to allow it to be whatever she wants it to be for her as an individual. You should not be in counseling for the purpose of "Getting her back", "Saving the marriage," "Preventing a divorce," etc. 

My guess is, the last thing she wants is to be manipulated into staying in a marriage even if your intentions are good. If this is your plan she will see right through it and be outtathere in no time. 

I'd advise you to approach the counseling as a chance to learn something about yourself and about her and let her take one step at a time with the freedom to opt in or out at any point. 

If she opts out, you are better equipped to move on with a healthier outlook on life and to build better relationships in the future. If she opts in, it will be based on the right reasons and you may have a chance to make it for real this time. 

I've been to both personal and marital counseling - probably learned just enough to be dangerous - and one thing I took away was that if you approach any discussion or conflict with the intention of achieving a specific outcome you are not being honest. Dishonesty won't work for you as an individual or for your marriage, if it lasts. 

If you are honestly in the counseling to grow, she may like what she sees and watch to see where it leads. It is also possible that your openness will confirm what she's been saying for years and that will be her ticket to move on. You've got to be prepared to deal either way.


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