# Never thought this could happen



## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

I am 59 years old and have been married 43 years. My husband is the same age and we have 2 married children and one grandchild. 
A few months back,I awoke at 3 am when the dog needed to go out. I walked out into the office and there was my husband,masturbating and looking at porn sites. He moved so fast to shut down the computer. I said,'What the HELL are you doing??????" He got up quickly and said,"All men do it,honey" and went back to bed. 
I have checked his computer since and see many porn sites on his history since that night. I have gotten up and looked around the corner quietly and there he is,at it again. 
I can not find any evidence of an an affair except for one thing. In his list of favorites,he has Craigs list in our city. I can't click on it because he checks his history to see if I have been messing with his computer. It would show up in his history but I see no signs he has been there. I WAS able to get the URL but it's just for the general page. I don't know what sites he is on on Craigslist and have never seen any in his history. I suspect he may have a secret email account through them.
He knows I'm watching. Problem is,I'm better on the computer then he is. He isn't clearing his history when he SHOULD if he doesn't want me to see where he is going. I can find no emails on his primary email addres. I have checked his phone and seen nothing that concerns me. But there are so many ways to get around me,I fear I will just have to live in fear he is meeting women off the Internet. It would be very very easy for him to do as he travels so much. I can not put a keylogger on his computer because if I mess it up and he finds it,he truly will smash MY computer into tiny little bits. I know him. Then he will begin using safeguards on his computer and phone. We do not have texting on OUR plan.
I have some serious health issues and this isn't helping. We both have been through a lot because of my poor health. But I sure as hell don't deserve this from him. All I have is suspicions.
I did,many years back,find a hotel receipt. He keeps all his hotel receipts in one place. I found this one behind his desk when it fell to the floor. I wondered why it was there and picked it up off the floor. It was for a time when he was at a company business meeting in Atlantic City. But there was a local phone number on it and when I reversed looked it up,it it was was the home number of a single female co-worker. He used to talk on the phone with her "for business" but I didn't like the tone of their alls. They were just a little too friendly and cutesy with lots of compliments and one time even baby talk. I confronted him with the receipt and he blew up at me,saying I wa spying on him. I said,"Well,maybe you shouldn't put things where I can see them. You didn't put THIS receipts with the other one BECAUSE her phone number is on it and you don't want your boss to see it. You paid for it yourself and didn't put it on your expense account because you knew they would figure things out". He told me I was crazy. He told me had had called her to get some info from her for another co-worker,then later told the same story but used another male co-workers name. I said,"Well,who was it for,John or Roy"? He was really sweatin it and I finally blew up at him. It's clear to me they had something going on. This woman eventually married a man from the company who left his wife for her and they both lost their jobs. My husband seemed very sad to hear they got married. She even has the nerve to send us a Christmas card every year with her and her husband's name on it but I have always intercepted them and thrown them away or wrote "refused" on it and sent it back hoping her husband would see it. But then,he isn't the brightest bulb in the world. I would question why my husband was sending Christmas cards to a woman he used to work with. I feel she is trying to send my husband a message somehow that even though she is married,she is stil available. 
I am truly sick to my stomach. If I can get any clear evidence of any playing around,I'm outta here and I'm gonna take him to the cleaners. 
I am truly sick to my stomach over it.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Sicktomystomach said:


> I am 59 years old and have been married 43 years. My husband is the same age and we have 2 married children and one grandchild.
> A few months back,I awoke at 3 am when the dog needed to go out. I walked out into the office and there was my husband,masturbating and looking at porn sites. He moved so fast to shut down the computer. I said,'What the HELL are you doing??????" He got up quickly and said,"All men do it,honey" and went back to bed.


It's something we hate to discuss but it is true. All guys do this. Your reaction was actually terrible. Do you feel his taking care of business by himself is that wrong and evil or something?



> I have checked his computer since and see many porn sites on his history since that night. I have gotten up and looked around the corner quietly and there he is,at it again.
> I can not find any evidence of an an affair except for one thing. In his list of favorites,he has Craigs list in our city. I can't click on it because he checks his history to see if I have been messing with his computer. It would show up in his history but I see no signs he has been there. I WAS able to get the URL but it's just for the general page. I don't know what sites he is on on Craigslist and have never seen any in his history. I suspect he may have a secret email account through them.
> 
> 
> ...


In our criminal justice system we have a simple but effective way of doing business. Innocent until proven guilty.

All you have are suspicions. That is not a reason to see affairs around every corner. If the guy had cheated, he would have been caught by now, being you seem a smart cookie, and us men are simple creatures. 

If anything he sounds like he's being a good guy and taking care of business at home while you are sick. Correct?

This girl is married and sounds like there is a connection between your husband and her. However, I'd also bet nothing has happened and there are no facts you have given to show he's done anything outside of hurt your feelings, which while bad is not the same as having an affair.

I do think you need to consider your setup and determine if you want to be controlling and suffocating to a man you've lived with for that long and supposedly are in love with. Are you treating him how you'd like to be treated?

Best of luck and I hope you get well. I also hope you give your husband some space and work on the relationship.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I disagree with cross that all guys look at porn, because there are several on here who say they do not, and why would they lie about such things?

All men do not have to look at porn, and if your are uncomfortable with it, or it is interfering with your sex life, you have every right to object. 

I believe porn is harmful to relationships. 

That said, it sounds like your husband has cheated in the past, and gotten away with it, and you are well within your rights to be suspicious. I think when you are married to someone they shouldn't be hiding things from you and keeping secrets. If they are, then they are doing things they know they shouldn't be doing.

i think you need to stand up for your self, and don't be a doormat to your husband. It sounds like you don't feel very good about your self right now and his actions are adding to that.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

My point was not porn, but about taking care of things by yourself, Syrum. I'm sure guys with ED don't, but everyone else does.

I also wonder why you'd say her husband has cheated in the past when there is absolutely no hard evidence whatsoever in the 43 years of marriage. 

I also fail to see how she's being a doormat. He is helping to take care of her while she is sick and is supporting her. By reading in depth it sounds like he's generally a good guy, but possibly had a friendship that was inappropriate. That is hardly cheating.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Cross said:


> My point was not porn, but about taking care of things by yourself, Syrum. I'm sure guys with ED don't, but everyone else does.


Well you can take care of things without porn, men and women have been doing it forever, way before the fandangle internet or DVD/ video.

And there are men on here who do not have ED issues who don't use porn..

And you certainly made it seem like you were talking about the porn. Masturbating is fine, unless someone is with holding sex.



> I also wonder why you'd say her husband has cheated in the past when there is absolutely no hard evidence whatsoever in the 43 years of marriage.


the number, secretive relationship with a co worker and him paying for that hotel out of his own pocket and becoming angry and defensive, is plenty of evidence. she doesn't have to have caught the guy in bed with her, to know.



> I also fail to see how she's being a doormat. He is helping to take care of her while she is sick and is supporting her. By reading in depth it sounds like he's generally a good guy, but possibly had a friendship that was inappropriate. That is hardly cheating


.

I'd class it as cheating, and at the very least an EA, but very doubtful. If i did something like that, I know my fiance would consider it cheating and rightly so.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

> It's something we hate to discuss but it is true. All guys do this. Your reaction was actually terrible. Do you feel his taking care of business by himself is that wrong and evil or something?


No mention of porn. :scratchhead:

I do think his relationship with this girl was inappropriate and there no doubt was flirting going on, but there's no hard evidence of any affair.

They've been together 43 years. If he was a cheater, and given her attention to detail, she would know.

I think the fact she's sick, the stress, and her fears are compounding and making something out of nothing.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Sounds like counseling may help, but don't assume he is the one who needs the therapy. I agree with Cross. It is more common than you apparently like to believe and you seem to be over-reacting.

Seriously, you caught your husband spanking it to a porn site. So what?


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

I was just so shocked the first time I saw this,that came out. I have seen him since and he doesn't know it. While I find it disgusting,it's IS his business. I can live with it but I make sure when I come out of the bedroom late at night I make a loud noise like a cough and he immediately stops and goes to another benign page. I just don't want to walk in on it again. No,thank you.
It is true I have been very ill and he takes care of me. I was on life support for 12 days and the drs. said he never left my side. Our son would bring clean clothes down and he would shower there. My DIL would bring food down for him but they had to make him eat. They gave me a 30% chance of making it and my son said he was beside himself. I ended up having a mild stroke,mild brain damage and a silent heart attack. I can walk and talk now but am experiencing terrible headaches and sinus problems from the sinus surgery that went wrong. It has been a horrible time. I am no longer on strong pain meds though. But he still takes me to my dr.appts. This happened in January and I am still not allowed to drive.
I know it's been very hard on him but I really did not need to walk in on that. It just added to my distress. 
Yes,all I have is my suspions. But why is he on Craigslist? Why is this woman still sending "us" cards when she knows how I feel about her? Why did he dance around that woman's home phone number on his motel receipt? I know he did not send that in on his expense accounts because it could have gotten him in trouble at work. They frown on personal relationships in the workplace and calling her home phone number would not have made them happy. Like I said,she DID have an affair with another married man in the workplace. They married.....and both got fired. My husband seemed very sad when he heard they married. 
All I can do is watch. We ARE in counseling but I have not brought this up yet. I think it's time to do so.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

bs193 said:


> Sounds like counseling may help, but don't assume he is the one who needs the therapy. I agree with Cross. It is more common than you apparently like to believe and you seem to be over-reacting.
> 
> Seriously, you caught your husband spanking it to a porn site. So what?


This isn't about porn. This is about cheating, lying, hiding, etc. which he is continuing to do. I don't think she is overreacting at all. I think she is underreacting. Taking his loud denials at face value is never going to work. Cheaters are above all, liars. I would get a keylogger and VAR at the very least.
How is she the one who needs therapy? He is gaslighting her and lying and driving her crazy. Cold, selfish and manipulative as hell if you ask me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts... 

You have two separate issues. His masturbation and your lack of trust in him because of his past behavior.

With regards to his masturbation, of course he hides his browser windows and puts his "toy" away when you surprise him! That's ingrained into us from our childhood, and really kicks in when we're surprised. My suggestion for dealing with it? Talk to him. Say "I know we haven't been intimate as often as you'd like lately, and I understand you want/need to take care of business on your own. You don't need to hide it from me, or feel guilty about it. Hey, can you show me the porn you're looking at when you do it? ". But if you surprise him at 2 in the morning again, don't be surprised if his initial reaction is to still hide it.

With regards to not trusting him, Craigslist has lots of other stuff on it rather than sex... I'm not saying he's NOT cheating, but it's a pretty big stretch to assume he is, especially in the absence of any other recent evidence. Still something you may want to bring up in counseling, because you apparently still want to talk about it. And that's what the counseling is for.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Yes, bring it up in counseling. If you are sick and not giving him sex, it is understandable that he would need a release. If the porn is getting in the way of your sexual relationship, then it is a problem. If it is not, I would leave it alone.

Regarding Craigslist, I go on the that sight all the time, as do many other women I know. I'm not looking at the personals. They have a whole section for jobs, selling stuff, etc. We hired our movers through Craigslist and caterers for a big party we had. I bought a piece of furniture off of Craigslist and also hired some people to do yard work for us from that website. Just last week I was looking for a golf club for my husband on there. There are plenty of legit reasons to go to that website.

I do think it sounds like your husband may have been either unfaithful or at least was inappropriate with a co-worker. You need to address this along with whatever else is on your mind. Blowing up at him and shaming him is not the way to make your marriage better, regardless what your health issues are or not.

To be honest, your comment about "taking him to the cleaners" seems really harsh and angry. If that's how you feel after he's taken good care of you and stayed by your bedside for 13 days, I think there are issues you need to be working on for yourself. Liviing with someone with health problems is HARD. If you expect him to be understanding of you, you also need to be understanding of him. Know what I mean?


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes,I do know what you mean and I AM trying to be understanding and doing more for him. I can now do some housework and even gave the dog a bath last night. It may be true that I just have general anger right now over what happened to me. This was suppposed to be an out patient surgery and I ended up aspirating blood into my lungs. It caused the oxygen in my brain to drop rapidly and my dr. said I had a near death experience. I still can not believe this has happened,not after all we have been through in other areas of our life. But it has so I have to accept it and do the best I can. I also got "ICU syndrome", a nasty condition that caused psychosis and delirum. I was told I was delrious for days. I was sure my husband and the drs. and nurses were bad guys holding me against my will. I became combative and had to be tied down to my bed.
I can only imagine what it did to him because he was one of them trying to hold me down when I became out of control. I only have few things I even remember. Most I am told that I did. That's 12 days out of my life I virtually have no memory of. When I finally came out of it,I could not walk or talk. I was in the hospital almost 3 weeks and in a nursing home 2 weeks,another nightmare. I still continue to have terrible headaches and sinus pain the drs. are trying to sort out.
But I AM trying. And I am NOT stupid. 2 and 2 is not making 4 here to me. Only counseling and time can help,I guess. I am indebted to him for being there for me. I do have a few memories of hearing his voice talking to me at times and holding my hand and that was very comforting. I was scared to death. But I'm sure he was too.
But,if I find evidence of an affair, I WILL take him to the cleaners. I wouldn't deserve this after all I have been through. It's not MY fault I got sick. We women have a "sixth" sense and mine is screaming at me. I will watch and wait and hope I am wrong.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> .....and sitting at home beating it himself....
> something doesnt add up as the typical cheating male to me.....


A hotel receipt with a single female co-workers home number on it from his time in Atlantic City doesn't though? When asked about it he had to scramble for an answer. Oh, and him pining away for this woman after she got married? Come on.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Am I the only person who read this or did others just read the top part and jump down her throat?!

"I did,many years back,find a hotel receipt. He keeps all his hotel receipts in one place. I found this one behind his desk when it fell to the floor. I wondered why it was there and picked it up off the floor. It was for a time when he was at a company business meeting in Atlantic City. But there was a local phone number on it and when I reversed looked it up,it it was was the home number of a single female co-worker. He used to talk on the phone with her "for business" but I didn't like the tone of their alls. They were just a little too friendly and cutesy with lots of compliments and one time even baby talk. I confronted him with the receipt and he blew up at me,saying I wa spying on him. I said,"Well,maybe you shouldn't put things where I can see them. You didn't put THIS receipts with the other one BECAUSE her phone number is on it and you don't want your boss to see it. You paid for it yourself and didn't put it on your expense account because you knew they would figure things out". He told me I was crazy. He told me had had called her to get some info from her for another co-worker,then later told the same story but used another male co-workers name. I said,"Well,who was it for,John or Roy"? He was really sweatin it and I finally blew up at him. It's clear to me they had something going on. This woman eventually married a man from the company who left his wife for her and they both lost their jobs. My husband seemed very sad to hear they got married. "


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

My sense is that you have never gotten any resolution about his relationship with his former co-worker several years ago (probably an EA, not a PA), and now you feel afraid and untrusting, which is not surprising. However, nothing that you have said supports the notion that your husband is having a PA now.

I am really curious why this hasn't come up in therapy. What are you talking about in there if not stuff like this?


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm NOT your sister and glad of it. Until you walk in my shoes,you can't judge me. The man has given as good as he gives in the past but how was I supposed to throw him out the door like he did me or give him black eyes when he's 6"5' and I'm 5"2"?
We have worked hard on our marriage or we wouldn't have been married this long. Past abuse raises it's head from time to time and I have to block it from my mind because he cares enough to try. The physical abuse has stopped,thank God. My medical issues have caused us both much stress. Until you go through it,you should keep your big mouth shut.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sicktomystomach said:


> But,if I find evidence of an affair, I WILL take him to the cleaners. I wouldn't deserve this after all I have been through. It's not MY fault I got sick. We women have a "sixth" sense and mine is screaming at me. I will watch and wait and hope I am wrong.



Can you please provide some clarification. Do you think/suspect he is having an affair now? Or do you want to take him to the cleaners over the hotel receipt from some years ago? Did you find that receipt before or after you got sick? One reading of what you have written is that your are fighting mad that your husband had an improper relationship some years ago, and that now that you are sick, you don't deserve that. That is a bit confusing. 


Having asked all of that, it is clear that you have real resentment against your husband for what ever happened. You two need counseling to address it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shoo 

This lady is recovering from a recent very serious illness. She has a husband who now seems to be taking good physical care of her. She was shocked as many women are to learn the he watches porn and masturbates. 

She suspects him of cheating now and had evidence of an inappropriate E or P affair in the past. To complicate things, he was physically abusive in the past. 

There is nothing in her story that warrants the kind of vitriol that you are casting about. Every thing points to a need for gentle supportive responses and fact finding to put her at ease. If her suspicions are unfounded, then gentle support and presenting her with factor that speak against him having an affair at present would be far more helpful to her.

I don't know what your problem is Shoo but some woman really wiped your face in some stinky stuff to make you bully a 5'2" fifty-nine yo woman recovering from a serious illness. 

Go to the mensclub and pick on one of the guys if you are not a scary cat of a fight. Stop slinking around on this thread before someone throws a bucket of water on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sick it is true that the overwhelming majority of men masturbate to porn. Most men have been made to feel shame about the very normal and healthy activity of masturbating. The easy availability of free interernet porn makes it hard to resist for most people not only men. 

It is difficult to say if he is having an affair now. If the only reason you feel that is because of the the porn, then rest assured that is no reason to believe he is cheating now.

Your life has changed dramatically and you are dependent on him now more than ever. Is he caring for you well? If so, let him know how much you appreciate him. Let him know that you remember his voice and the touch of his hand while you were out of it. His actions, staying by your bedside speaks of love. He may have made many mistakes but he seems to be a stand up guy now.

I think you need to remember that an illness as serious as yours may take up to a year to completely get back to a firm physical and mental footing. So keep posting with your thoughts and feeling and think about what reasonable people are saying about your situation. 

Please know that your husband most likely feels shame about masturbating and watching porn. However, if he is taking care of you and the household I would say let him have his privacy. My husband watches porn. I hate porn but he is a dignified grown up man and he decides what he wants to do. He masturbates, I would be mortified if I walked in on his private time while he masturbated. 

I really don't understand male sexuality but I know it better now and from what you said your husband appears to be normal. Why not relax and consider it his private business that you will not invade. One of the posters suggested telling him that you were just surprised and did not mean to startle him and ask him if he would do it more privately. Don't be disgusted there is no reason. Male sexuality is presented in such an ugly way but it is really beautiful that a 60 yo man still has his sexuality isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

With all that you have been through, I'm sorry for the pain and fear that you feel. Sadly, the hotel receipt only makes you fear that there is the chance of so much more that went far back. The way that my BIL found out that my SIL was cheating on him was also through a hotel receipt, but she had claimed to be staying with relatives at the time. Enough to make any person fearful, even with what you found.

While I commend you for being willing to work on counseling, I'd urge you to make sure that the counselor you choose is meeting your needs, else try another. My wife and I went to several before we found one that could really connect to her and her depression. All of them should understand your added trauma of the medical issues, but make sure you find one that really connects.

Wishing the best for you.


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

Tall Average guy.....I will admit my emotions are all over the place right now. But I've never gotten any real answers to my questions. I found the receipt several years ago and his explanation and changing his story put my radar up. He even said to me one time,"Oh,when I was in Atlantic City,the guy driving the car stopped to talk to two prostitutes and we all objected. A police car stopped behind us and questioned us all. There was nothing I could do about it because he was driving". I said,"Ever heard of getting out of the car and calling a cab"? It's like he drops little clues. I DID have it checked out and they have no arrest record for him. What am I supposed to think when he says stuff likke that? Why did he even have to say anything if nothing happened? We HAVE dicussed that in counseling and the counselor feels it's passive/aggressive anger toward me. Ya think? But we haven't been in counseling long. Most of it has been dealing with the hospital disaster.
And Halien,thanks for your comment too. I have been going to a counselor I loved for many years til she retired but he did not go with me. I did my homework and interviewed counselors before talking to him about a male counselor I liked. I thought he might be willing to go to a man instead of a woman and I was right. We both like him very muc and seem to be making progress. But we have a long way to go.
Cathrine.....thank you for your support. People like Shoo don't bother me. I'm a veteran of forums and have run into people like him before,people who attack everyone. It's Shoo's unhappiness with HIS life that makes him talk to people like that. Oh,and I have a bucket of water. lol


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