# He's Driving Me Crazy!



## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Haven't posted here in a long time. After my break up with my long-term boyfriend, I met a wonderful, kind man. We've been dating for about four months now and it's a serious, committed relationship...at least for him. I have my doubts. I'm not kidding, this guy is perfect, at least on paper. He's honest, kind, helpful, dependable, professionally successful, outdoorsy, attractive, yada, yada. He clearly wants me in his life long-term and speaks of a future together. He's everything a woman would want, and I recognize and appreciate that. I respect and admire him and I tell him that as often as I can. 

Problem is, the "connection" is missing for me. I love intellectual, articulate men and, while this guy is intelligent, he lacks something. Despite being a professional with an advanced degree, he uses poor grammar and frequently (really, ALL THE TIME) mispronounces or misuses words. For example, he regularly says "I contribute that to..." when he means "I attribute that to...". Tonight he pronounced "salivary" as "salvilary." If it were an occasional slip up I could live with it, but every conversation is like this. It's truly the most irritating thing I've ever heard, and it's become so bad that I correct him all the time and then feel terrible. But it's more than that; conversations with him are awkward and stilted...he just doesn't know how to converse naturally. There are a lot of awkward silences. 

He also doesn't know a single thing about art or culture (which is important to me and which many men are adept at talking about). Instead of the satisfying intellectual discussions I crave (and which I've had with other men...both friends and lovers), he spends a lot of time mooning over me, staring longingly at me (which gives me the creeps), and rushing to hold the door or carry my bags for me. It's sweet in a kind of pathetic way, but it's also extremely unattractive and a huge turn off. 

After being with a selfish jerk for a few years, I thought I just needed to be with a "sweet guy" who cared about me and put me first, but honestly, this is not what I had in mind. He seems to think that he can win me over by "doing" for me...repairing things in my home without my asking for it, bringing me flowers (seriously, at least two times per week), cooking for me, sweeping my porch. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the kindness and prefer it to what I had before, which was a selfish, disinterested, emotionally distant man. But I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and it feels rather suffocating and controlling (why is it that when men do that they're "nice guys" and when women do that they're "suffocating?"). All I really want/need is a best friend with whom I have an intellectual/emotional connection...I don't need all the other stuff. I've tried telling him this in a gentle way, but he just looks at me with a blank, confused stare. I've really wanted it to work but I'm starting to think I should end this relationship. Then, of course, I'm afraid I'd regret letting go of such a "nice guy." He's really so sweet, but sometimes his awkwardness and poor speech make me physically cringe. Why can't there ever be moderation? Why can't I have a nice guy who is also smart and interesting?

Or is it just me? Help!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> He's everything a woman would want, and I recognize and appreciate that. I respect and admire him and I tell him that as often as I can.


Nope. He's not everything _a woman_ would want because he's not everything YOU want. Reread what you have posted. You don't respect him. You're only 4 months in. Don't waste anymore of his (or your) time. 

I love a man with good manners and I'll admit that since day one my H has always opened doors for me, and the car door, and carries the grocery bags etc. I see him display this type of courtesy with others and I adore this about him. We met through common interests. I find him to be extremely interesting. He mentally stimulates me. This is something I value.

I'm not sure why you're afraid of letting go of such a nice guy when your sentence immediately after states that he makes you cringe and your thread title is "He's Driving Me Crazy!" Let him be with someone who finds his misuse of grammar endearing. Allow yourself to find someone who you can truly feel connected with and share common interests with. Best wishes!


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## Aontroim (Sep 14, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> Haven't posted here in a long time. After my break up with my long-term boyfriend, I met a wonderful, kind man. We've been dating for about four months now and it's a serious, committed relationship...at least for him. I have my doubts. I'm not kidding, this guy is perfect, at least on paper. He's honest, kind, helpful, dependable, professionally successful, outdoorsy, attractive, yada, yada. He clearly wants me in his life long-term and speaks of a future together. He's everything a woman would want, and I recognize and appreciate that. I respect and admire him and I tell him that as often as I can.
> 
> Problem is, the "connection" is missing for me. I love intellectual, articulate men and, while this guy is intelligent, he lacks something. Despite being a professional with an advanced degree, he uses poor grammar and frequently (really, ALL THE TIME) mispronounces or misuses words. For example, he regularly says "I contribute that to..." when he means "I attribute that to...". Tonight he pronounced "salivary" as "salvilary." If it were an occasional slip up I could live with it, but every conversation is like this. It's truly the most irritating thing I've ever heard, and it's become so bad that I correct him all the time and then feel terrible. But it's more than that; conversations with him are awkward and stilted...he just doesn't know how to converse naturally. There are a lot of awkward silences.
> 
> ...


This is a lesson i learned very young.  When i was 18 i met a girl who i adored, i did everythign for her, i was always there when i said i would be, i spent every penny i had on her, told her i loved her and always did the things nice guys where supposed to do, she repaid me by cheating on me multiple times 

I learned NEVER to do that again. That lesson was one of the most important and painful ones i've ever learned. Im now 34 and i can not tell you how many times ive been to the bar and heard women early in the night tell me how much they love their husbands and by the end of the night they are literally pleading with you to f*** them (however i would never do a married woman). As the night progressed it turned into "i love my husband but" they just wanted them to be men and say no sometimes, to have a backbone, most women i know love confidence in a man (not arrogance). 

It's the same for men in general, i want a woman who pushes back, a woman who is strong but not a *****. I fight with my wife sometimes and i've told her "hey you're replacement is 10 digits away, somehow i get the feeling i wont be gathering dust on the shelf" i'm half joking of course but she knows there is some truth to it. I feel to get the best out of people in a relationship there must be a physical attraction and decent amount of respect. When we go out she gets attention from men, it doesn't bother me at all, in fact in a way it's flattering, it never crosses the line, the same is also true for me. Its important the other person believes they are with someone of value, if nobody else wants them then why should they? ***** men will always learn the hard way sadly.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Aontroim said:


> This is a lesson i learned very young. When i was 18 i met a girl who i adored, i did everythign for her, i was always there when i said i would be, i spent every penny i had on her, told her i loved her and always did the things nice guys where supposed to do, she repaid me by cheating on me multiple times
> 
> I learned NEVER to do that again. That lesson was one of the most important and painful ones i've ever learned.


Sadly, that is a lesson women learn the hard way too. I have been the "giver" in all three major relationships I've had. I've doted on men, bought them gifts, told them I love them, and been very sexually generous. Basically a doormat. In every case I got ignored and cheated on and dumped. So it goes both ways. I think you're right, confidence is a much more attractive quality than submission. 

Ok, so despite some of the annoying things this guy does, I like him...in fact, I care for him. I would never cheat on him; I'd end it rather than do that. I DO appreciate a courteous man, I just don't understand why he can't back off a little, stop smothering me, and focus on quality interaction rather than going over the top with the attention? I've tried talking to him and telling him not to try so hard. 

I would like to try to salvage this. So, as a man, how do you suggest I approach the subject in a way that's not insulting to him?


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> Sadly, that is a lesson women learn the hard way too. I have been the "giver" in all three major relationships I've had. I've doted on men, bought them gifts, told them I love them, and been very sexually generous. Basically a doormat. In every case I got ignored and cheated on and dumped. So it goes both ways. I think you're right, confidence is a much more attractive quality than submission.
> 
> Ok, so despite some of the annoying things this guy does, I like him...in fact, I care for him. I would never cheat on him; I'd end it rather than do that. I DO appreciate a courteous man, I just don't understand why he can't back off a little, stop smothering me, and focus on quality interaction rather than going over the top with the attention? I've tried talking to him and telling him not to try so hard.
> 
> I would like to try to salvage this. So, as a man, how do you suggest I approach the subject in a way that's not insulting to him?


Yep, Its the Nice guy syndrome. If you want this to work, you need to get him here and into the men's forum so we can teach him the skills he needs. You don't have to tell him your a member, just pull up the site and leave him reading the men's clubhouse. Tell him that one of the guys at work was talking about it and you thought it looked interesting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Chemistry isn't something you can "create." It's either there or it isn't. You say you don't have a connection an dhe irritates you a lot and you're not sexually attracted to him. All major things.

I understand that you want to like him because he is kind. 
The thing is, it sounds like you are "just not that into him." If so, cut it off sooner than later so all parties can move on.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

The old double edge sword. Men are jerks and pigs, where are all the nice guys. Get a nice guy and it's hmmm, I really didn't want a nice guy at all, lol.

While guys get the good girl and then lust after the bad girl. Once we get the bad girl, we're like hmmmm, I really didn't want the bad girl.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ain't that a b!tch?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Though you really like and respect him, if little, possibly insignificant details drive you so crazy that you can't look past it, then he's not for you. Some things you just can't learn to look over.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

You can have a nice guy who is also smart and interesting.
It just isn't this guy.

I would not want to be with someone who I made *physically cringe* and who was only with me because of a projected regret if they let me go.
I'm assuming that you wouldn't either.

fyi ... my stepdad uses the phrase "for all intensive porpoises" AND "irregardless".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Open4it said:


> You can have a nice guy who is also smart and interesting.
> It just isn't this guy.


Bingo!


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> The old double edge sword. Men are jerks and pigs, where are all the nice guys. Get a nice guy and it's hmmm, I really didn't want a nice guy at all, lol.
> 
> While guys get the good girl and then lust after the bad girl. Once we get the bad girl, we're like hmmmm, I really didn't want the bad girl.


CheatingHubby,

You sound bitter. It's really tempting to reduce people and their actions down to formulas and stereotypes, especially when you've been hurt and you're looking to cast blame somewhere. I know, because I've done it myself. I wish it was as easy as the "I just don't know what to do with a nice guy when I have him" myth. But there's much more to it than that. I actually do want a nice guy. I can't stand jerks and I'm tired of having them in my life. I'm not a silly, flaky woman who lusts after or chases jerks; I've ended up with some bad men who were very adept at convincing me initially that they were great guys.

I don't think I should settle for a guy who acts nice when the chemistry just isn't there. And that chemistry is based on a lot of things, not just on whether he holds the door open for me. What I have a problem with is our lack of intellectual connection AND the fact that he makes me feel suffocated at times. I would like to be with a man who I can talk to, not a man who stares creepily at me for hours but can't hold a conversation. 

I'll bet if the tables were turned and this was a woman we were talking about, she would be called "needy and clingy." As I said, it's not an attractive quality.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

Myopia, I think you know the answer to your dilemma but are afraid to go forward.

The person you desire to be with is out there.
You may not meet him right away but you will not find him at all if you stick with this guy.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Myopia,

I'd be driven crazy by the lack of intellectual connection, too.  

You don't have to settle. It just sounds like this guy isn't the right guy.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> CheatingHubby,
> 
> You sound bitter. It's really tempting to reduce people and their actions down to formulas and stereotypes, especially when you've been hurt and you're looking to cast blame somewhere. I


Not bitter or angry, I was the cheater and I know how it goes. I had the all around great wife who was basically a good girl all through her life. But I lusted after the bad girl. It's a generalization, it doesn't apply to everyone because there are exceptions to the rule as we all know.

But this generalization is pretty much what happens alot of the times IRL. The grass is always greener on the other side until you get there and realize it's always not just one way or another but something in between that you have to find.

And even when you find that perfect medium, sometimes there is always something that pushes it always to one extreme or the other then you justify it to yourself that that person isn't right for you. We distort things to try and fit what we expect how things should be.

Humans by nature are NEVER happy with what they have. Even if you had a billion dollars in the bank, we'll find something to complain about. Even if we had the most beautiful wife or most handsome husband people will still find some fault. Again, there are exceptions to the rule but the generalization applies to most people. If that were not the case then the divorce rate would be next to nothing (and not at 50% in the US). And I would be more than willing to bet that the divorce rate could easily be 75% if not for the fact that financially it just isn't feasible for alot of married couples or they stay for the kids.

Before no-fault divorces, the divorce rate WAY lower only because it was harder for the women to walk away, most had no jobs, there was no spousal support so most women were stuck in bad marriages. And for the guys, it was easier to keep the wife and just cheat back then because the wife wasn't going to leave most of the time.

BTW, that quote wasn't directed at you but just a generalization of what happens alot of the times. So if you took it as me trying to attack you then I've really got no beef about it, water off my back.

And I would also say don't stick with the guy. You'll be miserable and in turn you'll make him miserable. Cut him loose and keep on looking. You need to be happy in order for your SO to be happy.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your intuition is telling you that this guy is wrong for you: listen to it. Everyone has quirks, and his malapropisms will continue to get on your nerves. Do both of you a favor, and keep looking for the right guy. When you find him, you will know, and you will not have to question why he irritates you. You will be able to overlook faults in the right guy because the chemistry between you will be passionate.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> And I would also say don't stick with the guy. You'll be miserable and in turn you'll make him miserable. Cut him loose and keep on looking. You need to be happy in order for your SO to be happy.


Thanks for the input...I didn't feel you were trying to attack me, just that you weren't understanding my particular situation. 

I keep thinking that I should be happy with what I have...after all, he's a nice guy, who's constantly "doing" for me. Why should I care that he has difficulty maintaining a conversation, lacks a sense of humor, and has a dull personality? I feel like a real heel for not being "into" the relationship. But I also feel that he's overcompensating for his lack of personality and social awkwardness with the bi-weekly floral deliveries, the constant unsolicited helpfulness around my house, and the sappy puppy dog expressions. It's almost like he's trying to distract me from his boring personality with all of this "romance." 

I also keep thinking that he will become less awkward around me as we get to know each other, but it just keeps getting worse. And lately my response to his social awkwardness and his incessant mangling of the English language is to become irritable with him (he referred to "post-portum" depression yesterday and talked about going to the "li-BARY"). I really DO NOT WANT to be in a relationship where I lash out in annoyance and become a b*tch, so...you're right...I need to move on before I make him miserable.

Ok, so how do you break up with someone who you find annoying without hurting their feelings? He's a good guy; I don't want to give him an inventory of his faults (I certainly have plenty of my own), but I think he deserves honesty and frankness. Just saying we're not "compatible" seems sort of vague and avoidant, and he'll surely ask me to explain.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Your intuition is telling you that this guy is wrong for you: listen to it. Everyone has quirks, and his malapropisms will continue to get on your nerves. Do both of you a favor, and keep looking for the right guy. When you find him, you will know, and you will not have to question why he irritates you. You will be able to overlook faults in the right guy because the chemistry between you will be passionate.


That is SO true! Unfortunately, I've had great chemistry and passion in the past with guys who weren't so good for me, and I did overlook many of their faults. Sadly, that got me into a lot of trouble, because I tolerated bad treatment that I never would have tolerated from someone I felt lukewarm about. I've been trying very hard to approach this relationship rationally. My brain tells me he's a decent, kind, honest, principled man. But my heart tells me he's not "the one."


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Open4it said:


> fyi ... my stepdad uses the phrase "for all intensive porpoises" AND "irregardless".


That's hysterical! I would think that the first one is a joke, except that my boyfriend says equally cringe-worthy things and really has no idea what he's said.


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