# Betrayer�s relationship with children?



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

Betrayer’s relationship with children?


The thread titled “Update: Are they still with the AP after 2 years?” brought to my mind my thread here.
Betrayer’s relationship with children?


*In the case where the marriage was broken up by betrayal, what are the relationship of the CHILREN and the parent that betrayed and the children’s relationship with the betraying parent’s spouse?*


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Mr Blunt said:


> *In the case where the marriage was broken up by betrayal, what are the relationship of the CHILREN and the parent that betrayed and the children’s relationship with the betraying parent’s spouse?*[/COLOR]


I can tell you from first hand experience that when children aren't told (informed of) the unadulterated truth, they grow up respecting the parent who doesn't deserve any respect at all. Had I known my father was the pig that he was, my view of him would be entirely different. His behavior caused my mother to have a nervous breakdown and leave ... and that cost me my childhood. That's just the very short version.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My step kids knew from about day one that their mother cheated and ran off to live with her affair partner. She left the children behind with her husband. It was months before she even saw the kids.

Later their father and I married and they moved from the east coast to NM. The kids love her and act like she's a saint. When they were young they'd say things like they were proud of her for choosing to do what she loves (she is involved in a sport and teaches it privately). They know that she dumped them for the OM and for the job she chose. 


Basically kids want to be loved by their parents and will overlook all kinds of things to prove that their parent loves them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

Have you considered that children don't have a choice? They either learn to comply and support/ignore the faults, or they live under constant threat of punishment for ridiculous reasons. They won't get the extras other kids get. They will only get what is necessary.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

*Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My ex cheated and has built a love nest for her serial partners. The kids are disappointed with her, but still love her and see her whenever they can.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My father was a serial cheater.

I won't any type of relationship advice from him.

My oldest brother who I see as a father figure due to age he cheated on my now sil 2+yrs ago he doesn't know I know.

Be for finding out I thought he was perfect-(no kidding) and when I see him I can't help but to think of what he did.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My kids both learned of my ex cheating. The older one discovered his online escapades by accident and brought it to me. The marriage was so over by then. At the time, I thought it best to protect our younger child and not to tell her what her dad had done. That was a huge mistake. My ex and the older child fought and screamed when he came for a visit and I just had to explain. I took them to therapy and they are better and functioning fine.

The kids have virtually no relationship with their father and that is his choice. Believe it or not, I do not bad mouth him in their presence. He moved out of state for OW (she has since dumped him) He saw the kids about once a month for the first four months of our separation. Now he hasn't see them in almost a year, doesn't talk to them. He will occasionally text the younger one, nothing for the older. The older one will say he is nothing but a sperm donor. 

In my opinion he cannot face them knowing that they are aware of his betrayal to the family. Hi loss, they are fabulous children.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My EX had an affair and we divorced when my kids were 7 and 4. She married the OM and they were together until a few years ago (kids were 23 and 20) and we had joint custody.

Honestly I never ran their mom or OM down to my kids. I figured they'd grow up one day and ask if they wanted details. 

As it turned out, her multiple affairs on OM, and being a complete b!tch to OM over the years made it abundantly clear how she treats partners. And my long term happy marriage where my wife and it treat each other with respect and love (their step mom), has made it clear how I work in marriage as well. My oldest son has said as much without saying it directly.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My daughter has never forgiven her mother for running off with a married man. Today, they luve 1 mile apart and see each other 3 or 4 times a year. They are no longer close at all.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My dad's mom ran off with a POS when he was 2...never reached out to be a part of his or his brother's lives until they were in their 20's.

He never forgave her....my uncles were eventually able to be on speaking terms with her, but not my father.

He refused to go see her when she was dying of cancer and asking to see him...he told her to worry about herself, not him, since she had so little time left.

My maternal grandmother was dead when her multiple A's, and the fact my aunt was a love child, were accidentally exposed to the grandkids as a result of an argument between my mom and aunt about taking care of my grandfather.

She is gone, but I have ZERO respect or care for her after all this was revealed...in fact I view both of my grandmothers with total indifference....they were simply 'egg donars' in the process that brought me into the world as far as I'm concerned.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

Sad, all of it. 

Some people are selfish and foolish and don't understand how to create happiness without destroying others'.

Anyone who abandons their children are worthless human beings in my book. Theres's something missing inside of them.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My XWW didn't abandon the kids. Initially though she was quite happy to leave them with me so she could go party like a college kid.

Now, my place is in their school district they started in, the XWW's is not. She works two jobs and has less time than me. The kids spend most of their time here with me. They have their own room and can get to and from school easier.

They do have a relationship with their mother, but it did take some significant intervention on my part as they really lashed out when our family blew up and the why came out. She made it worse for them by telling some ridiculous lies that they caught her in as well. She says she was trying to not look like the bad person in her childrens eyes, but really sent a crap message. 

As it stands now, I get my kids the vast majority of the time. But their mom is still a part of their life and now that she has her head out of the clouds she actually goes to their sporting events and activities again instead of partying.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



2ntnuf said:


> Have you considered that children don't have a choice? They either learn to comply and support/ignore the faults, or they live under constant threat of punishment for ridiculous reasons. They won't get the extras other kids get. They will only get what is necessary.


My mother claimed that her brother played the "Santa Claus" when he visited his daughters. The youngest one still chose to diss him for her wedding.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



EleGirl said:


> Basically kids want to be loved by their parents and will overlook all kinds of things to prove that their parent loves them.


:iagree:

I would suppose also that its much more likely for the mother to be forgiven by the kids than the father.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

....well ....my kids have never been informed of my wife's infidelity ....so in their eyes she's still wonderful ....and I'm the sullen, moody S.O.B. (at times).

.....so, my silence has gained my wife a pedestal .....and put me in the starring role as an ogre. 

.....I do ...quite often ....wonder how they'd treat her if they knew the truth


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



> ....well ....my kids have never been informed of my wife's infidelity ....so in their eyes she's still wonderful ....and I'm the sullen, moody S.O.B. (at times).
> 
> .....so, my silence has gained my wife a pedestal .....and put me in the starring role as an ogre.
> 
> .....I do ...quite often ....wonder how they'd treat her if they knew the truth


So stop being a sullen, moody SOB.

Look, I get that dealing with infidelity and divorce sucks. I had a very long, very horrible, antagonistic divorce.

But I kept my kids out of it...no matter what legal crap my ex did to me or even to them...and believe me, he was nasty.

However, none of that is my kids fault. They didn't make the choice to marry my crappy ex. They didn't make the choice to live with him or divorce him. I did.

Be a parent with your kids and choose your times to wallow in self-pity and bitterness when they're not around. You owe that to them. 

I really have no respect for people who drag their children through divorce drama. Nobody is perfect. People make really bad decisions sometimes in life. And as long as they aren't abusive to their kids, their kids DESERVE to try to have a relationship with their parents. It doesn't always work out that way but after divorce, its your parental duty to try.

Be happy around your kids. I'm sure they're lovely and deserve an engaged father. You can indulge your bitterness in your private time. Enjoy your children and spend real time with them. The one thing I've never regretted about my relationship with my ex is the fact that we managed to produce to amazing kids. Don't take that for granted.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My adult son didn't learn until a couple of years ago when I was divorcing his dad that cheating was involved at that point and also 30 years ago. He was very angry and said I should have divorced him when it first happened 30 years ago (and I don't disagree). He sees his dad occasionally but they aren't close. 

My father cheated when I was around 14 and my mother stayed for me. Up to that point, I had idolized my father but going forward I had very little to do with him (he's been gone for many years now). I felt he ruined our family and I never forgave him. 

Even if children don't know for sure, they usually suspect something is wrong because there's tension between their parents and they feel it. 

Cheating changes the dynamic of the family.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

"My adult son didn't learn until a couple of years ago when I was divorcing his dad that cheating was involved at that point and also 30 years ago. He was very angry and said I should have divorced him when it first happened 30 years ago (and I don't disagree). He sees his dad occasionally but they aren't close."

I really relate to this.

When I found out about my grandmother's A's and the fact my aunt was a 'love child', I couldn't understand why in the world my grandfather had stayed with her...still can't.

It was so obvious, looking back, that he never truly got over it or forgave her....I could never understand why he would often get extremely angry with her and say mean and hateful things, but I know why now. 

It was a tragic waste of 50 years, and created a lot of dysfunction in the entire family that lasts til this day.

I know he stayed because of his daughter (my mom)...sounds noble, but the results were anything but good.

If I can ask, has how your son looks and acts with YOU changed?

I used to look up to my grandfather so much as a kid....now I view him with pity and even a little disgust.

I still love him, but I can't look at him the same....I thought he was an ex-Marine superhero growing up....that image has been shattered forever.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

X has them 50% despite my best effort to get full custody of my daughters. They have no clue about her affair. I plan to tell them when they are teenagers. I don't know what the fallout of that will be with them and their mother but I firmly believe they need the truth... they are just too young to process it right now.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



> By HurtnStill
> 
> ....well ....my kids have never been informed of my wife's infidelity ....so in their eyes she's still wonderful ....and I'm the sullen, moody S.O.B. (at times).
> 
> ...



If you are putting your children’s welfare above your own and your wife then you are to be commended. It is very honorable when a father will do what is best for his children even if it costs him pain.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Wolf- Why would they NEED to know? I feel like it would be opening an old wound? My kids were young, and still are. I would like to think my ex would not tell them. My relationship with my kids is wonderful; I never once and never will abandon them and have always been a hands on attentive mom and I would not want our relationship deliberately ruined. HOWEVER, if and when my kids ask more detailed questions about how everything unfolded, which I am sure they will, they will get every bit of the truth. If my ex decides it is appropriate to tell them unasked, then I hope he allows me to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Nikita2270 said:


> So stop being a sullen, moody SOB.
> 
> Look, I get that dealing with infidelity and divorce sucks. I had a very long, very horrible, antagonistic divorce.
> 
> ...


.......I'm not divorced.

.......and, for all I've done and the sacrifices I've made for the good of my kids ...and yes ...even my wife ......they can deal with my f'd up moods now and then.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Mr Blunt said:


> If you are putting your children’s welfare above your own and your wife then you are to be commended. It is very honorable when a father will do what is best for his children even if it costs him pain.


.......I try.

.......at least I can paste a little bronze star on my shirt collar every so often when I suck up the pain and be fatherly.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Mr Blunt said:


> If you are putting your children’s welfare above your own and your wife then you are to be commended. It is very honorable when a father will do what is best for his children even if it costs him pain.


Regardless of the whichever parent cheated the children should be told the truth for many reasons. They should be taught that lying at any degree no matter the subject is wrong and sends a strong message that lying to protect ones feelings, yourself or others, is a stepping stone to lying to anyone for any reason to obtain what one desires. Think about it, most EA/PA's start as a harmless conversation that eventually gets omitted from ones spouse to keep them from getting upset, why would you risk installing this thought process unto you children which would invariably produce the same result?

Children should also realize that with actions come consequences and should know who was responsible for the traumatic changing of the family landscape. This frees their conscience from taken the blame as children often wonder if it was them that made the marriage fall part since more often than not child raising is a stressor in marriages. 

The betrayed parent is also not required to pent up his or her anger at the WS. Doing so will unknowingly or indirectly project ones anger or similar feelings upon the children and if they do not know why mom or dad is angry will once again feel that they did something wrong. 

This also keeps the WS from painting their Ex's in a negative light. Most people will claim that "I'll never do that", however most say they'll never cheat or lie, what have ya. 

Life has consequences and no one should be shielded from them who was the originator. Children are not as resilient as experts claim but they are impressionable.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My kids don't know about the cheating. They love their dad and have a good relationship with him. This is the very least I can do for them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Mr Blunt said:


> Betrayer’s relationship with children?
> 
> 
> The thread titled “Update: Are they still with the AP after 2 years?” brought to my mind my thread here.
> ...


My MIL did a good enough job gas lighting and blame shifting that when she moved her AP into her husbands home, and kicked him out, she told the kids what a bad father he was and how wonderful the new guy was. Eventually the kids were angry with dad for getting a new life, as if he chose it. They warmed up to AP, he was such a doormat nice guy.. doting over everyone like an old lady. Eventually she cheated on him after she married him, he's now in IC and they are both miserable. The younger daughter likes to send the AP happy fathers day cards and not her dad. The one I don't talk to. It's pretty disgusting actually..


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

Not sure what is the right thing is here, but my experience was that my mother spent most of my growing years covering up the fact that my father had left the family for about 2 years, and then decided to come back. This was when I was a baby, and so me and my siblings witnessed a household of our father constantly demeaning my mother, and her constantly making excuses for him. It took its toll on all of us, and my mother did not inform me of the truth until I was in my 30's. Not sure if my sister even knows the truth to this day. Me and my father had a special relationship growing up, but the fallout of seeing the way he treated my mother all those years caused much harm. I think I would have still been able to be close to my dad if they had divorced, because we were very much alike. Keeping the truth from children is not good. The children know something is wrong, but bury it because no one will talk about it, and then it manifests itself in their adulthood.
My sister betrayed her husband, and lied to her kids about it. Several years later her son wrote several songs about lying parents and how sad it was for him.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

One thing that I also have to think about is all the "I'd never" I have heard over the years. I'll never cheat, lie, hurt or betray you blah blah. "I'll never put my family thru what I went thru as a child growing up".

So it begs to ask should I, or anyone really, risk not telling their children the truth to avoid the indoctrination and brainwashing that awaits them? Why even risk it as it is historically proven that disproving a lie is much harder than proving the truth. A few words here or there and presto the BS is all bad. I've seen it done.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

I completely understand the initial belief not to tell the kids about the affair. As a parent, you want to protect your children. Most people would agree that having two involved parents is a good thing for children. In my experience, the lies always come out and the continuation of the lie, whether it be the ongoing affair, or the cover-up later, causes its own set of pain and problems.

First off, despite what a WW wants to tell themselves, the affair is a betrayal to the entire family, not just the spouse. Time that was once devoted to the family is stolen and given to the OM/OW, money once ear-marked for college or vacation evaporates, the risk of destroying the family fabric is ALWAYS present whether the couple D or R.

Secondly, I find it interesting that parents do not believe they have an obligation to be honest with their children. The need for honesty is itself, two-fold. Perhaps this is more applicable to divorcing couples. I'm not talking about telling a two year old that mommy or daddy loves someone else. You can tell children (appropriately aged), that one parent hurt you and you cannot continue living with them. Children see through BS and all to frequently internalize a divorce. Tell them so they know it is not their fault. Also, how can you expect your child to love and respect you if you are lying to them.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Pluto2 said:


> *Also, how can you expect your child to love and respect you if you are lying to them*.


It's not a lie if you believe it hard enough. 

Kids need honesty, but age appropriate honesty. You have to be careful what you say or you can lower their self-esteem if you bash the other parent. I agree that you should not let children be brainwashed. 

I think the WS thought line is "If I'm happy, my children will be happy" and that the BS should "find a way to be happy; I can't change what happened."

Don't forget the wayward has been on script and will continue on script. The only thing that would've thrown that off would be if they were divorced and then dumped by the AP. Then it would be a cascade of tears and pangs of foolishness. 

Basically, truth is relative for a WS. Lies are justified in the name of love. 

My WW got some crappy kids' books on Separation to read to the kids. It was surreal.. she really thought she was doing the mature thing, because these were "adult matters" kids don't understand. That's true in part, but she furiously downplayed any negatives. "Children are resilient" "My parents divorced and I turned out fine" (uhm, no.. you are a serial cheater and your dad left your mom for another woman, and now you are passing on your dysfunction to our kids.)


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

Being honest with my children allowed me to talk to them about it in an open way, and have discussions. It allowed her to apologize so she could start to heal the relationships with them. Part of her healing is being honest. Keeping her cheating from the kids just shows that in some cases, it's cool to be less than honest to hide stuff etc... Not seeing where you would want to encourage that if you're in R or D. Not only should you lie some more, but I'll help you!! Yaaa...NO.

..and no, I'm not suggesting you tell the first grader and pre-schooler all the details. My kids are late teens early 20's.. which are very impressionable years as far as infidelity affecting them according to an article that was linked here recently.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

I'm not lying to my kids. If they asked me (though why they would, I have no idea), I'd tell them that yes, their dad had affairs during our marriage, and try to put that in its proper context for them. Otherwise though, I don't agree that it's any of their business, or in any way beneficial for them to know. His cheating was not "the" reason for the divorce (if one thing can be said to be "the" reason, the cheating was not it). I don't believe in dumping all the negative things I have to say about my ex onto his children any more than I would want him dumping his negativity about me onto them. I don't believe anyone is helped by this behavior. The important thing is our continued love for them, and preserving as much of a healthy parent-child relationship as possible. 

Personally, as I've said elsewhere, my sister and I were terribly hurt by our parents attacks against each other after their divorce. It was far more damaging to us than the divorce itself. This largely influenced my beliefs in this regard and shaped the choices I made when my spouse cheated on me, and ultimately when we divorced. I can't give my kids an intact family home, which I desperately wanted to do. But I'm doing my best not to repeat all the mistakes my parents made, and the hurt it caused my sister and I.

I'm sorry if this comes across as judgmental of parents who believe in exposing the affair, because please believe me, it isn't intended to be. Everyone's beliefs on this matter will come from their own personal experiences and convictions, and while this is the only way I can conceive of behaving for myself, I fully support other people making different choices for themselves.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Looks like my own experience is very different. No, it wasn't me, but my aunt. She cheated on her husband. Her daughters learned of it almost immediately... and as soon as my aunt had a place large enough, one daughter chose to live with her and the other with their dad. They were, and still very much are, very close to their mother (my aunt). And they are also close to their dad as well. My aunt remarried... her AP, and they have been married 20+ years. My aunt and her ex are friendly, and her ex loves her daughter like his own. Yes, I understand this is not the "norm". I just felt it should be pointed out that all parties are capable of getting along well.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



staystrong said:


> "Children are resilient" "My parents divorced and I turned out fine" (uhm, no.. you are a serial cheater and your dad left your mom for another woman, and now you are passing on your dysfunction to our kids.)


This is what I'm hoping to avoid with my children. That they can actually learn a different lesson than the one taught to my wife. She was taught that sometimes cheating lands you a new husband and it all works out of the best. That there can be lots of good reasons to cheat and everyone does it. 

I taught my kids, that cheating often rips a family apart, and it takes a very strong person to forgive that kind of betrayal and it also takes a strong person to own the hurtful selfish choices and take actions to become a better person and parent. I hope they can respect other peoples feelings better now seeing what the outcome would be. I also wanted them to understand what was going on, and not hear it from a third party or have to put two and two together by themselves. Or just be confused as hell as to why mom and dad were fighthing, but now they are hyperbonding, and now dad's angry, and now mom is withdrawn, and now they are hyperbonding again... dad kicked mom out, why? "Oh, I wanted to throw out the bed and having mom sleeping in it was going to mess up that plan, so she's staying with grandma the next couple months.."


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Faeleaf said:


> I'm not lying to my kids. If they asked me (though why they would, I have no idea), I'd tell them that yes, their dad had affairs during our marriage, and try to put that in its proper context for them. Otherwise though, I don't agree that it's any of their business, or in any way beneficial for them to know. His cheating was not "the" reason for the divorce (if one thing can be said to be "the" reason, the cheating was not it). I don't believe in dumping all the negative things I have to say about my ex onto his children any more than I would want him dumping his negativity about me onto them. I don't believe anyone is helped by this behavior. The important thing is our continued love for them, and preserving as much of a healthy parent-child relationship as possible.
> 
> Personally, as I've said elsewhere, my sister and I were terribly hurt by our parents attacks against each other after their divorce. It was far more damaging to us than the divorce itself. This largely influenced my beliefs in this regard and shaped the choices I made when my spouse cheated on me, and ultimately when we divorced. I can't give my kids an intact family home, which I desperately wanted to do. But I'm doing my best not to repeat all the mistakes my parents made, and the hurt it caused my sister and I.
> 
> I'm sorry if this comes across as judgmental of parents who believe in exposing the affair, because please believe me, it isn't intended to be. Everyone's beliefs on this matter will come from their own personal experiences and convictions, and while this is the only way I can conceive of behaving for myself, I fully support other people making different choices for themselves.


I'm in R and showing my wife compassion and forgiveness.. so I'm not attacking my spouse. I did attack her behavior while she was cheating. I'm trying to teach my kids through my example. I never called her names or attached her in the way it sounds like your parents did. I'm sorry that you had to put up with that.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Maricha75 said:


> Looks like my own experience is very different. No, it wasn't me, but my aunt. She cheated on her husband. Her daughters learned of it almost immediately... and as soon as my aunt had a place large enough, one daughter chose to live with her and the other with their dad. They were, and still very much are, very close to their mother (my aunt). And they are also close to their dad as well. My aunt remarried... her AP, and they have been married 20+ years. My aunt and her ex are friendly, and her ex loves her daughter like his own. Yes, I understand this is not the "norm". I just felt it should be pointed out that all parties are capable of getting along well.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


My MIL and FIL always seemed to 'get along well'.. My MIL married her AP, and he always chats with the FIL.. they play nice at cookouts and family events. When he leaves, my FIL says stuff like "what is that ahole's problem, did you see him trying to give me a cookie?" I tell him he's trying to be your friend so he won't have any guilt about f'ing your wife while you were married to her. They pretend to love each other, but he hates the AP's guts. Also, don't be shocked if Auntie is cheating on her AP husband.. unless she's too tired now. She learned the 'it can all work out great' lesson that my MIL learned and taught.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



russell28 said:


> I'm in R and showing my wife compassion and forgiveness.. so I'm not attacking my spouse. I did attack her behavior while she was cheating. I'm trying to teach my kids through my example. I never called her names or attached her in the way it sounds like your parents did. I'm sorry that you had to put up with that.


Yes, all these situations are uniquely different, and we use our unique wisdom to navigate them. I'm sure my experiences stamped my brain with a giant "NO BAD-MOUTHING THE OTHER PARENT, EVER!" brand, and likewise you're applying your best intentions in your circumstance. I wish my parents had been a little more mature, or a little more circumspect, to handle it like either one of us, because trust me, no one won that war they waged. It was awful. 

Peace.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Faeleaf said:


> Personally, as I've said elsewhere, my sister and I were terribly hurt by our parents attacks against each other after their divorce. It was far more damaging to us than the divorce itself. This largely influenced my beliefs in this regard and shaped the choices I made when my spouse cheated on me, and ultimately when we divorced. I can't give my kids an intact family home, which I desperately wanted to do. But I'm doing my best not to repeat all the mistakes my parents made, and the hurt it caused my sister and I.


Unfortunately this is the norm rather than the exception when couples divorce due to infidelity. Feeling erupt especially when the "New" mommy or daddy is present. but in hindsight you and your sister were hurt over the divorce, but what caused the divorce to begin with? 

In proper context I suppose it is akin to someone stealing your car and driving it in ways you never could or would have thought possible all the while the car is seemingly trying to make itself more appealing for this new driver. 

And there you are, watching the whole time as you now are forced to walk or take the bus. Every fiber of your body hates it, built there's nothing you can do about it.

This thought alone is one of the major reasons most people decide on R vs D.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



IIJokerII said:


> but in hindsight you and your sister were hurt over the divorce, but what caused the divorce to begin with?


Of course we were hurt by the divorce, but I'm not sure I would attribute the divorce to infidelity, although there was plenty of that on both sides, I believe. They were both very young and very immature, fought terribly, and could not make the marriage work at all. From the beginning, it was probably a big mistake.

What hurt FAR more was the personal attacks that they continued to launch at each other, with my sister and I caught in the middle, for the next several years. We were miserable, always being pulled in one direction or the other, and never feeling "allowed" to genuinely love both parents, which of course we did. You would not believe the amount of hate for each other they felt free to unload on us. Eventually it eroded the purest part of our relationship with both of them. In trying to damage each other, they really only damaged themselves, and us in the process.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



Faeleaf said:


> Yes, all these situations are uniquely different, and we use our unique wisdom to navigate them. I'm sure my experiences stamped my brain with a giant "NO BAD-MOUTHING THE OTHER PARENT, EVER!" brand, and likewise you're applying your best intentions in your circumstance. I wish my parents had been a little more mature, or a little more circumspect, to handle it like either one of us, because trust me, no one won that war they waged. It was awful.
> 
> Peace.


My kids know what their father did, but I didn't and don't bad mouth him. I never went into the details when I told my younger child, but I did say that dad broke his vows and it hurt me. She asked how and I told them that he is with another woman and that is not ok when you are married. She asked if he said he was sorry, and I said no. I never called him a lying, cheating, perverted scumbag of $%$#$, as cathartic as that might have been.

His actions have consequences and the impact on his relationship with his children is entirely on him. I will not lie to them, and I certainly would never lie on his behalf.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

russell28 said:


> Maricha75 said:
> 
> 
> > Looks like my own experience is very different. No, it wasn't me, but my aunt. She cheated on her husband. Her daughters learned of it almost immediately... and as soon as my aunt had a place large enough, one daughter chose to live with her and the other with their dad. They were, and still very much are, very close to their mother (my aunt). And they are also close to their dad as well. My aunt remarried... her AP, and they have been married 20+ years. My aunt and her ex are friendly, and her ex loves her daughter like his own. Yes, I understand this is not the "norm". I just felt it should be pointed out that all parties are capable of getting along well.
> ...


Sorry your FIL has that experience with the new husband. I know you won't believe this, but my uncles genuinely DO get along. And my aunt DOES get along nicely with her first husband. And cheating on her husband? No. I could see the difference between my aunt's demeanor with the first husband and with the second one. Total opposite. Aunt and first uncle are much better apart than they were together. I know. It totally throws the "it never works out with the AP" argument that often gets tossed around here. Sometimes, it does. And sometimes, the first spouse genuinely comes to like the second spouse. And, no, my aunt isn't "too tired". She's not even 60 yet! She vibrant, full of life. You don't have to believe me. That's fine. I know many here have their minds made up on the subject.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My mother told me and my sister what our dad had been doing for years when I was 17 and she was 15. Glad she did. I've honestly never understood the idea of how lying to your kids, keeping secrets, staying in miserable marriages "for the sake of the kids" etc is doing the children any favors. Maybe it's because I don't have any kids? I feel at a certain age I was old enough to know what was going on and understand that my fathers behavior was no reflection on how he felt towards his children despite the fact I hated how it was very disrespectful to my mother. I encouraged her to divorce but she stayed with him. I doubt out of love but more likely because divorce would have been very inconvenient. 

Personally I think my parents would have been much happier if they had just divorced years ago and we would have all been better off. They're still together but honestly they're more like cordial roommates than anything. They haven't even slept in the same bedroom for years. 

I just really think parents do children a disservice by trying to paint some fairy tale version of relationships, marriage, and love that doesn't really exist because they're too afraid of exposing them to reality. I'd argue that loveless, volatile, or forced (I don't mean in the arranged sense) marriages do just as much damage to children as contentious divorces.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*



tonedef said:


> Wolf- Why would they NEED to know? I feel like it would be opening an old wound? My kids were young, and still are. I would like to think my ex would not tell them. My relationship with my kids is wonderful; I never once and never will abandon them and have always been a hands on attentive mom and I would not want our relationship deliberately ruined. HOWEVER, if and when my kids ask more detailed questions about how everything unfolded, which I am sure they will, they will get every bit of the truth. If my ex decides it is appropriate to tell them unasked, then I hope he allows me to do so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


2 reasons

1) One my x has never and will never accept accountability and when my kids ask why they didn't grow up with a mom and dad in the same house she will lie to them like she had lied to others about why we divorced

2) Because they deserve to know the truth


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

My sister’s husband ran of with his married AP and left his 3 year old daughter Marie with my sister. He was a handsome man, made very good money, and was a local sports hero. His daughter sought his approval for many years but he pretty much ignored her. When his daughter grew up she forgot about him and almost never sees him anymore. His daughter has been in therapy off and on for years and there is not doubt that she has been affected negatively by his abandonment and ignoring her. Marie was a high school stand out, head cheer leader, runner up queen, and got a 4-year degree from the university and her father did not attend.


I do not think that Marie hates her father but she now just has apathy towards him and yet she stills has some problems due to her fathers cop-out and selfish betrayal. He married his AP and is still with her today some 25 years later. I talked to him about 5-6 years ago and he only talked about how old he was getting and how worried he was about death. This man is in his early 50s and is consumed with death? He lost his high paying job last year and had to move in with his step daughter and her family. That did not last and he is somewhere in the city but he does not own a home, is looking for a job, and his daughter does not even talk about him or ask about him anymore.



He is still married to his AP but sometimes they separate for months at a time. This is one case where he looked good for the first 15 years or so but the last 10 years has taken a toll on him. *He is jobless, married life sucks, and he is consumed by death and sickness. He is healthy and young yet he has a lot of concern about death and illness!*


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

*Re: Betrayer’s relationship with children?*

I outed my cheating ***** in November of 2013, other than a very breif reconcile, my college age son will have nothing to do with her...wont answer phone or texts, emails, unfriended her on facebook...he tells me he will never speak to her again...he of course knows exactly what happened

my 5 year old daughter does NOT know about the affair, but does know mommy did something bad and now her and daddy dont live together any more...she already resents her mom and is difficult with her...at first she cried every time she left on of us to go with the other but NOW she has a complete meltdown when my ex picks her up, and is moody and cranky until she drops her off, and she happily runs to me

my ex is having serious problems right now dealing with the destruction her pu$$y caused...my ex mil claims she is suicidal...phhhttt...her problem


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