# Ladies Perspective Please



## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

My wife and I have gone through some really tuff times in the last couple of months and our marriage was on the rocks for a while. We have been married for 7 year and have two beautiful boys. I caught her having an "emotional" affair with a male co-worker about three months ago and that was the peak of our marriage issues. A month before that she announced to me that she had lost the passion for me. She told me that she was "guilted" into having sex with me for over a year and that I no longer did it for her. As you can imagine this devastated me. We always had a great marriage and I though everything was ok.

Since then she has ended it with the other guy and was laid off from her job and recently found a new job (which turns out is the best thing that could have happened to us). We started individual therapy and have been going every two weeks for the last 3 months. Part of our therapy was to take sex out of our marriage for a period of 6 month. This was VERY difficult for me in the beginning but has proven to be a very good experience. We have both changed a lot in the past three months and I feel that we are getting better by the day.

Last weekend she initiated some foreplay and it was a very positive experience for both of us. Previous to our "difficulties" we would always have to use lubricant when having sex as she would never get wet down there. Last weekend during our "episode" she was VERY VERY wet. Just to be clear we did not have sex. It was a foreplay session only.

So my question is this...Do we still have a chance to make this work? I am starting to think that when she told me she lost the passion for me she was at a bad spot in her life and that it is starting to come back. I do not want to ask her if it is because I don't want to put any pressure on her. I feel we are more intimate now then we have ever been even though we are not physical. Your thoughts are appreciated. Please try to keep them positive as I am trying my best to make this work.

Thanks,
MrMarriedMan


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> Part of our therapy was to take sex out of our marriage for a period of 6 month.


That is not something i would expect. that's a long time. did your counselor tell you why to do this? 

i havent read your other posts, just this one, but from what you've written here it sounds like you definetly have hope. but i can understand why youd be so unsure since you felt like everything was fine before. i kind of know how you feel since i always thought my H was ok but then one day found out how depressed he always is. that was really shocking for me. so now i will ask him how he is doing, and i will ask him if there's anything i am doing that is pushing him away, or if he needs anything from me.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I'm no woman, but I think there is definitely a chance if you are both working on it. 

I'm interested in hearing a woman's perspective to your unique situation, but from what I've gotten from this site a woman is usually turned off from sex because a lack of emotional intimacy, or some resentment that's built up. It's rarely the man's performance or lack thereof.

The EA would have been sapping that, and if she is trying her best like you are, I think there is definitely hope. 

I wish you the best.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> So my question is this...Do we still have a chance to make this work? I am starting to think that when she told me she lost the passion for me she was at a bad spot in her life and that it is starting to come back. I do not want to ask her if it is because I don't want to put any pressure on her. I feel we are more intimate now then we have ever been even though we are not physical. Your thoughts are appreciated. Please try to keep them positive as I am trying my best to make this work.
> 
> Thanks,
> MrMarriedMan


From my perspective (a woman's), I absolutely think you are on the right track. When I am stressed (with work, kids, whatever) and not feeling connected to my husband, the feelings of passion disappear, especially if I am feeling unsupported emotionally or otherwise.

Hearing that you are more intimate now than ever is a great sign. In my opinion, this is the key to revving up a woman's sex drive, especially when you can have that closeness and she doesn't feel pressured to have sex. It sounds as though by her initiating and the results, she is getting back on track.

I would not take her words to heart from back then...she was thinking the grass might be greener with the other guy and probably had to justify her actions by saying what she said to you and although she may have been feeling disconnected, it's more likely that her attraction to him at the time was clouding deeper feelings she has for you.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Wow thanks Guys. Your comments are really appreciated. It has been a rollercoaster ride for me and because of the EA I have been questioning everything. Every time she talks about a new guy at work I get a little defensive. I really don't think she fully appreciates the effect that this EA has had on our relationship and on us. Another thing I forgot to mention is that the always felt "pressure" from me to have sex. This is why our therapists suggested taking sex out of the marriage. It was to try and take the pressure away and allow us to work on the underlying issues of communication and intimacy. Trust me!!!!! This has been the most difficult thing that I have had to do. It's would be easy to go without sex for 6 months if I was single and lived alone, but when you sleep in the same bed and see each other naked in the shower, ect... It turns out to be a bit like torture. Why do people all of a sudden decide that they are not in love any more? I believe it is because they do not have a realistic view of life and love. I CHOOSE to love my wife everyday. Sure there are things about her that annoy me, but I am mature enough to realize that if I changed partners I would run into these same issues after 5-10 years again anyways. Marriage is a commitment. It's a choice. But then again, maybe I'm the one with the unrealistic view on life.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Your situation sounds very hopeful.

I do think that love is a choice, but attraction always isn't. If you were requiring the use of lubricant every time because she wasn't excited enough, I can see how she was turned-off. The truth is that if your woman is not ready for sex, artificially making it possible for you to proceed anyway is going to build resentment. Sure, there are certain circumstances where using lubricant is warranted and a good idea .... but if it's done as a matter of course BECAUSE she's not excited enough - you are creating a problem and building serious serious resentment (even if she said it was okay to do that, probably becuase she just wanted to get it over with).

I hope that this hiatus from sex helps you learn to take your time and to give her the nonsexual things that she needs in order to become sexually excited and receptive to you.

It all sounds very hopeful indeed.


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

she is just bored with ur relationship b4. try to court her again give flowers, take her to a romantic dinner, role play, be in a motel/hotel. win her attention and her heart again. the love is obviously still there.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

My husband was going thru a lot of things for most of the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. We were honestly headed for divorce; he had shut down on me, and adopted the "grass is greener" mentality because he has never learned coping skills when dealing with lifes problems. As hard as it was, I hung in there. Things came to a head when I got the proof I needed, and I confronted him with everything. He had been in a very deep depression, and suffered from bouts of suicidal ideation for months while the EA was going on. He had to hit his rock bottom, which he did when everything came out in the open. He is now on anti-depressants to help deal with the depression, and he sees a personal therapist every week. We had went for FOUR months without sex, but now we are back on track AND its actually better than ever, which is amazing, because its ALWAYS been good. 
Therapy, and a LOT of soul seraching, as well as getting rid of the toxic people in his life and in our life together is really bringing us closer together. He has never had good coping skills, and even though he is gorgeous, has very low self esteem. What I see developing out of the ruins of the affair and what it did to us, is amazing...he is finally beginning to understand the depth of my love for him, AND he is finally starting to uderstand what TRUE, real love is...not the puppy love/infatuation that all relationships begin with, but the love that weathers all the storms, even when hearts are battered from the fight. I told him just the other day that I am falling in love with him on a completely different level. I am also SO very proud of him because he is confronting demons from his past that have nothing to do with me, but have really screwed up his head when it comes to relationships. 
Ok...that was a long, rambling answer...but my point is that YES, if both parties are willing to do the work, a relationship can come out of it stronger than you ever thought possible;I had several people tell me I was weak for staying with such a damaged person...but the truth is, I am a VERY strong woman and I see the change in my H every day, and I know that I have done the right thing by staying by his side. If you love her, then keep on the path you are on, ride it out when it gets tough, and make sure you both come out of this stronger in the end. Good luck!!


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