# Wife with mental issues please help



## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi I am new here and have been looking for a place like this to talk to people that understand my problem.
My wife and I are in low 30s and got married in 06 and I love her to death always have. I know she loves me too but she has lots of mental issuses that make the relationship hard most of the time. I would have to write a 100 page book to explain my whole situation but I will just try sum it up for you.

Her main issues are: She has bulimia which was real bad in high school and college but now 10 year later she has it under control pretty well. She has OCD very bad cleaning constantly which drives me nuts sometimes. She has bad depression as well as real bad body image.

My wife has went to consuling several times but soon as she starts doing better she thinks she can handle it and quits going. Then within a few months we are back to the same old rut. NOW HERE IS ONE OF THE MAIN PROBLEM...we live way up north and it is a 4 hr drive to a concleer and they want her to come in 2x a week. Well how does anyone keep a job and meet 2 x a week when you have to take the whole day off to do it???

I dont know what do because if she is not at work she is either sleeping or cleaning. She says if she is sleeping she is not thinking about eating and cleaning help her stay busy so she is not eating. I will tell you she has gotten over the bingeing and purging for the most part but is really obsessive about food still. She wont hardly eat in front of people she knows which sucks because we can never go out with some of my friends for a couples dinner date type thing even at christmas dinner she will only eat a little then when one of our 250lb aunt says here try come cake or pie she says no I cant I am too fat but then the next sentence tell them they should have a piece:scratchhead: She has really no friends maybe 2 other than her sister because she will only friend someone who is bigger not just bigger than her but what I would consider a large lady. I think she thinks they make her look smaller IDK? I should mention that my wife is 5'8" size 8 dress and 36D. IMO she has nothing to hide acuallly I think she is damn hot but she dresses like she is 350lb alot of the time. Sex is usually once a week if I beg alot and if it was up to her 2x a year maybe but it is usually with her **** on which really sucks with all that hot body under there. Lately it seems she is more depressed and lazy I dont know why we both have good jobs with no money trouble.

Another problem we have is we have thought about kids but she has had problems with fibroids in her uterus and plus all the meds she takes for her mental problems kids are not looking good for us. I dont even see how she can get off the prozac she was on 80mg trying to get off she started taking 60 then 40 but she is almost impossible to handle below 40mg. 

If we lived in a big city like chicago or new york this probably would be a lot easier but when you are in the middle of nowhere if feels like we are kinda on are own with this. She almost has to quit her job to try and fix these problems. I mentioned maybe there is a web cam type thing we could look for but she said no she doesnt like being on camera some times I get so mad I want to give up but an hour later I am back to thinking about how I can fix her. I have tried many trips to the caribbean but after a couple days she wants to come home. I just dont know what to try lift her spirits...

Again sorry this seems like I am just rambleing but I have wanted to tell someone my story for so many years I cant tell it fast enough. Thanks in advance for any help or advice!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Stuckinrut said:


> There is a web cam type thing we could look for but she said no she doesnt like being on camera


Stuck, welcome to the TAM forum. The web cam is a wonderful idea. It is pointless to spend 8 hours driving to see a therapist you can see, in a few seconds, by flipping a switch on the Internet. I suggest you go ahead and obtain the web cam and show her how easily it works.


> I am back to thinking about how I can fix her.


You can't fix her. A team of psychologists cannot fix her. They can only give her guidance. She must want to fix herself. The fixing, you see, is an inside job.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

thanks for the reply. I just looked over my first post and it is really worse than it appears but you get the picture. Her life revolves around 1.eating 2.sleeping 3. cleaning 4.work and that is 99% of her day. She has had last 3 days off and she has slept around 49-50 hrs....very sad


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Stuck, so much of the population of Alaska lives in remote areas that it is common for therapists and medical doctors to conduct business there (e.g., therapy sessions and checkups) on the Internet using cameras. Indeed, many of the people are so remotely located that landlines don't reach there. The rural folks therefore rely heavily on satellite communication for Internet connections. 

For that reason, Alaska has been receiving more in high-cost telecom support than any other state in the union. Here in the lower 48 states, we are gradually moving in that direction as broadband connections to the home are increasing in speed and capacity. I don't know how far north you and your W live but what I'm suggesting is that you start doing what is commonplace in rural Alaska -- and what will be commonplace in the lower 48 in the not too distant future. It's time to live life on the cutting edge, Stuck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Stuck, just wanted to share an anecdote I heard from an addiction specialist lecturing about enabling.

There's a ship at see, at night in a terrible storm. Man falls overboard and as he's being carried out to sea screaming for help a crew member miraculously not only hears his call but also sees him in the huge waves surrounded by black turbulent waters. The man is in immediate danger of drowning. The crew member sounds the alarm, grabs a life ring tied to a rope and for a second miracle that night, the life ring actually reaches the drowning man.

But the man doesn't grab a hold of it and instead tosses it back to the ship.

The crew is incredulous! "WTF dude, grab the life ring so we can pull you to safety!"

So the man yells back, you threw me the yellow ring, I hate yellow. Please send me a white one instead.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> So the man yells back, you threw me the yellow ring, I hate yellow. Please send me a white one instead.


Nice metaphor, Pink. You are describing my BPDer exW. The only difference is that, whenever I would toss her the ring, she would grab it and allow me to pull her up from the raging seas. As soon as I turned my head, however, she would jump right back into the water. Of course, she never really wanted to be saved. Rather, she only wanted continuous validation of her false self image of being "The Victim." Always being "The Victim."


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My husband's middle name is Victim. He would have criticized me for how I threw the life ring to him, and how I could've killed him if I had hit him in the head with it like I almost did...how could I be so careless? 

OP: your wife should be seeing a psychiatrist for better medical management of her bulimia and OCD (which are directly related for sure). Prozac for someone in her severe state is like a sugar pill. She needs better control by medication before she could even possibly have the presence of mind to benefit from counseling. 

Is there a way she could go to an inpatient program for a month or two? Yes it would mean having to miss work, but she is NOT living a real life as it is right now anyway. She's obviously miserable and is content to let you drown in her misery with her. Take whatever drastic measures are needed to get her the help she needs. If she still refuses, you've done all you can, and as Uptown said, it's not up to you to fix her. At that point, as harsh as it might sound, you might just have to let her drown and save yourself. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Prozac is like a sugar pill? not following what you mean....My wife tells me it is the only med she will take because the rest all cause weight gain. I dont know thats what she said her doctor said a couple years ago. She usually takes 80mg and she is somewhat happy with herself then but recently tried going down to 40 trying to get off the prozac in hopes to be able to try have a baby but when she takes less than 80 she gets very depressed. Do you think she will come out of it eventually?

She did a inpatient program for 30 days many years ago and that helped her get off laxitives and lessened the binge and purge but the binge and purge came back. Today I think she is almost done with that although she says she thinks about it alot kind of like a alchoholic never gets over it you live with that the rest of your life.

Is there any medications that would be good for her to try that dont cause weight gain? She would rather die than gain 20lbs but maybe in the right frame of mind she wouldnt mind 20lbs.....idk? I would rather her gain 100lbs and have her happy than this hell we have now. Every single min. of every day revolves around eating or I should say not eating. We always have to go where there is salad or she wont eat.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Having kids should be VERY low on your wife's priority list, in my opinion. And you should be taking control (and doubling up!) on the birth control. The OCD/cleaning, weight & self-image issues, depression, inability to manage her time now, mental issues... NONE of these things are likely to get better through a pregnancy and a child after. Plus you'll have post-partum depression, sleeplessness, financial stress from one income...

C


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Pbear I hear ya loud and clear and have not pulled any goalies. I am not looking to bring a kid into this situation untill it gets better.

I was acually thinking with some new meds that worked a kid might give her something to do other than clean and think about eating. I have told her though I dont want to bring a kid into this mess unless you can straighten yourself out first.

I also think some of her depression comes from wanting kids and the good chance she cant have any. She has said "why me why me everything I have is F t up even my uterus is junk!" I cant help but feeling bad for her and thinking ya you got the short end of the stick.

Sad thing is she puts everyone else first and she will just keep on like this because she doesnt want to cause anyone else any trouble or cause any extra work for anyone. She would give a stranger her coat in a blizzard if they asked for it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stuckinrut said:


> Pbear I hear ya loud and clear and have not pulled any goalies. I am not looking to bring a kid into this situation untill it gets better.
> 
> I was acually thinking with some new meds that worked a kid might give her something to do other than clean and think about eating. I have told her though I dont want to bring a kid into this mess unless you can straighten yourself out first.
> 
> ...


Speaking from my personal experience, after being married to someone who puts others first... YOU will be one of the priorities that gets pushed down if kids come into play. Your sex life, your needs, etc. And you're the one that's going to have to pick up the slack if your wife gets overwhelmed.

C


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Pbear I really appreciate your comments and I think you are dead on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stuckinrut said:


> Pbear I really appreciate your comments and I think you are dead on.


You're welcome. I really do hope things work out for you, and it sounds like being a great supportive husband. But there's only so much you can do for someone that's been struggling their entire life with these things. And the fact that there's nobody nearby to help you (and your wife's refusal do do something online) are definitely strikes against you.

Have you looked at just a phone counsellor? Instead of web-cam?

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi stuck, I'm relieved to know you don't plan on having children until your wife's health is reliably healthy.

She has some very deep troubles, things that medication alone will not clear. She has thinking errors and perception errors and these cause her to behave in unreasonable, unhealthy and sometimes unmanageable ways. Her issues will take intensive treatment, for a prolonged period of time. This treatment typically consist of weekly, at least, therapy sessions along with medication management. I'm not very conversant on eating disorders but my understanding is that to really get a handle on dealing with this life long issue, inpatient stay is recommended. During the inpatient stay, she will not be able to engage in her OCD behaviors and instead will have to deal with her demons in a guided and supportive atmosphere. Sounds scary but the right facility will make a huge difference.

WhenI talked about those man a sea I was trying to illustrate how your wife is placing limitations on what kind of help she is willing to get. Well, when you are drowning, you take the first thing available, right?

You are her loving husband and so you look out for her and make accommodations for her, seems reasonable and even noble. But in this case, she is slowing pulling you into the sea with her. Your love for her keeps you from realizing just how crazy your daily routine has become to accommodate her illness.

You are here because you want to find support and help for her. Excellent. You live in a place that has some big hurdles to getting help. The best way for her to have the intensive therapy would be to web cam with therapist. But she has said no because of her illness. There is a life preserver available to her, the web cam therapy session, but she can't cope with being on camera. On the face it seems sort of reasonable. But, she is so used to being ill she doesn't even notice half of her behaviors. Whereas anyone else suddenly being burdened with her symptoms would move hell and high water to get rid of them. She has grown used to being in the sea, tossed by the waves, cold and wet. She would rather wait for the right color.

Here is where you come in big guy!

Don't let her wait. Put your foot down, in a loving way, but be firm. Honey, your life is miserable due to your illness. Our life together needs to get better because I love you I want you healthy! This has to work and you have to work it.

Find a therapist (psychologist with a PhD) who can treat her via web cam at least weekly. She's going to need new meds which means a psychiatrist (a medical degree doctor who specializes in psychiatric disorders) Psychiatrists suck at talk therapy but they are the only ones allowed to prescribe meds. They typically work with psychologists(the PhD) who do the talk therapy.

Waking up to life was right Prozac is an antidepressant and a fairly mild one at that. Shes gonna need a new medication. Another life ring your wife will toss back because of her body issues. This is why in patient treatment for eating disorders is the first thing recommended as soon as the team is comfortable with a dx.

may I ask you how much does your wife weigh currently? Does she allow you to see the scale? Does she allow you to see her completely nude? These are the type of accommodations many husbands make with a wife with eating disorders and they only perpetuate the belief that her body is disgusting and can't be seen.

I wonder what her answer would be if you asked her, How would you like to be in love with your body? How would you like to believe, really honestly whole heartedly believe that your body is simpy gorgeous?

I have over done it, as usual. Please know that you need support too. This is a lot on your shoulders and I can see that you are trying your level best to do what's right by her. You're a good guy.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

anon Thanks for the info I am going to start doing some research on these things.

As for the questions of weight and things.....she weighs about 140 last time I saw. Years ago she would never let me see but she has come a long ways and over the last year or two I have saw a couple times she even told me once because she was proud she lost a few pounds. She does not like me seeing her nude most of the time but occationaly she will let me see with out grabbing a towel and hiding. If she only could see how that makes my week seeing a little skin but she says she is doing me a favor by covering up. 
I always tell her I feel like Shallow Hal the guy in the movie that sees his girlfriend as this super hottie but she sees herself as this fat nasty looking chick. I seriously wonder if I have the beer googles on or what because I think she it way too hot for me!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Glad to know she seems to be a healthy weight and her avoidance isn't too far off the scale.

As you begin this journey of getting appropriate treatment for your wife, might I suggest you not allow her to use ANY derogatory self defacing statements. Seriously, if she says Dont look at me I'm to fat, you make her apologize. How dare she think so little of your opinion? Who is she to tell you that your own eyes are wrong? Stop allowing her and force her to stop saying these things about herself. Make her say "My husband thinks I'm beautiful and one day soon I will believe him to be right."

These are self rewarding negatives. She voices her disgust because she feels that. You give her reassurance hoping to sway her, but you're really reinforcing her complaints. Does that make sense?

She says, "I cant go there because I'm fat and they don't have salads."

Your say, "I told you I can't listen to you hate on yourself anymore. I'm serious! I want you to apologize by repeating this... My husband thinks I'm beautiful and soon I will believe him."

You may have to tweak this to suit your style but I hope you get the gist..


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

If a guy was able to somehow work out a inpatient treatment. Does anyone know where is THE place to go for OCD and eating disorders? I would be willing to go anywhere in the US or canada for this treatment. 

One thing that still has me wondering is someone a few posts back said prozac is like a sugar pill to her. What the heck does that mean?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Stuckinrut said:


> If a guy was able to somehow work out a inpatient treatment. Does anyone know where is THE place to go for OCD and eating disorders? I would be willing to go anywhere in the US or canada for this treatment.
> 
> One thing that still has me wondering is someone a few posts back said prozac is like a sugar pill to her. What the heck does that mean?


I made that comment. I don't mean to minimize how much Prozac can be of help to some people, but it sounds like in your wife's case, Prozac is barely scratching the surface as far as getting her the amount of help she needs. Her mind is not in a place to even be thinking logically or rationally. Yes Prozac helps with depression, but it's not likely to do much for her OCD and it's obviously not helping with her eating disorder. She needs more intensive evaluation and medical management...probably some anti-anxiety medications, perhaps some anti-psychotic meds (not saying she's psychotic, but these meds can help normalize thinking processes). Plus, medication without intensive psychological therapy (counseling) isn't going to be as effective...she needs both. Hope that makes sense.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Makes sense....I think what she has noticed and her doctor said the prozac works very well for taking away that urge to binge and purge which it seems to have worked very well indeed.

I am thinking she needs a few things added like you said for the ocd and other stuff.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> If a guy was able to somehow work out a inpatient treatment. Does anyone know where is THE place to go for OCD and eating disorders? I would be willing to go anywhere in the US or canada for this treatment.


Don't put the cart before the horse. She needs to be evaluated by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist for a proper diagnosis. This could be handled by making about 1,000 phone calls to find both pro's in the same location who will consent to back to back appointments, or appointments the same day. Then you could plan a trip to keep these appointments.

Avoid cold calling facilities. Although they are in existence to minister to the sick, they are still a business and are not above taking patients who may or may not actually need inpatient care.The diagnostic team will be able to work with you to find the best facility that meets your needs.

Also, if your wife can be on board and hopeful that going inpatient for a set period of time will give her the kind of life and outlook she desires to have, you will be much closer to getting there. She is the one who has to consent to this because she is an adult and makes her own decisions. She is not a danger to herself or others so that right remains with her.

Call her primary care to get referrals. Call your insurance company to get in network referrals. Cross reference the two. When you reach a practice that fits your needs but isn't taking on new pateints (and there will be a lot of them) get referral from them. 

:soapbox:The state of mental health care in the US is abysmal! Insurance puts limits and handcuffs on practitioners, who then put limits and handcuff on patients. Some insurance companies are worse than others. So if you find a practice that you like, and they are not taking new patients, ask if they will take self pay is you can afford the out of network fees. They might be able to accept you sooner if you can bypass insurance restrictions. Some practitioners limit the number of active patients from particular companies or plans due to the care plan restrictions and limits on fees.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

I asked her about going to see someone and she said "I thought I was doing pretty good" well yes when you look at where she came from to now. I told her I think you still has a long ways to go. We could at least see what they say. She didnt seem to exactly like the idea but said she would go see what they say.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Well last week she went in to get some help. It turns out they say she has mild ocd(I think its a little more than mild) and has major depression. They upped her prozac to 60mg and want her to try add obilify or something like that she is going to get it tomorrow.

I thought I had it pegged as a thyroid problem but she had that tested and it came back in the normal range. To be honest I was really hoping that test came back way out of wack. These doctors cant seem to figure it out so I guess I will just keep researching on the internet to hopefully come across something.

Her psyc did mention inpatient being a good idea so hopefully we can get something going.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Just chiming in here, better late than never! OCD responds well to CBT (cognative behavioral therapy) so you might want a therpist who specializes in this. There is also an excellent workbook available on Amazon called "The OCD workbook" that uses CBT techniques, if your wife is motivated enough to do self help.

Abilify is an excellent med for depression to augment the prozac, and it also helps with distorted thinking. Good luck to you and your wife!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> Well last week she went in to get some help. It turns out they say she has mild ocd(I think its a little more than mild) and has major depression. They upped her prozac to 60mg and want her to try add obilify or something like that she is going to get it tomorrow.
> 
> I thought I had it pegged as a thyroid problem but she had that tested and it came back in the normal range. To be honest I was really hoping that test came back way out of wack. These doctors cant seem to figure it out so I guess I will just keep researching on the internet to hopefully come across something.
> 
> Her psyc did mention inpatient being a good idea so hopefully we can get something going.


Excellent! So glad that you posted back again!

Mental illness isn't like medical illness. the brain is a complicated dynamic organ. It learns from itself as well. As she becomes more stable on meds, learns to redirect her compulsions, her brain will learn how to do those things and start making connections. This, of course, is a process and it can take some time. But you two have clearly made an excellent start. Good Job Stuck!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> Well last week she went in to get some help. It turns out they say she has mild ocd(I think its a little more than mild) and has major depression. They upped her prozac to 60mg and want her to try add obilify or something like that she is going to get it tomorrow.
> 
> I thought I had it pegged as a thyroid problem but she had that tested and it came back in the normal range. To be honest I was really hoping that test came back way out of wack. These doctors cant seem to figure it out so I guess I will just keep researching on the internet to hopefully come across something.
> 
> Her psyc did mention inpatient being a good idea so hopefully we can get something going.


Re: Her thyroid. The normal range has a lot of play in it. Find out exactly where in the normal range she is (what her number is). Because while it's in the normal range, it might not be normal enough for her.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for the comments guys. Her tsh no. came back at a 4.0 which the doctor said normal range is .5-5.0.

I did just get some feedback from someone with thyroid problems and said most doctors now are saying the range is .5-4.0 not 5.0. Most people feel the best in the 1.0-2.0 range. 4.0 is on the very end of the range and we should get that checked out some more. I have my fingers crossed that tweaking this a litttle will start to make her feel better.

You know what is really sad she is so down on herself and depressed that she seems to be kind of giving up on herself. I often think why am I the one doing all this research trying to figure this out. If I was the one with the thyroid problem I would be doing research 24/7 trying to learn why I think and act the way I do. She has been like this for almost 10 yrs and been trying many different antidepressants the whole time with none of them seeming to help much so I can see her frustration I guess.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> Thanks for the comments guys. Her tsh no. came back at a 4.0 which the doctor said normal range is .5-5.0.
> 
> I did just get some feedback from someone with thyroid problems and said most doctors now are saying the range is .5-4.0 not 5.0. Most people feel the best in the 1.0-2.0 range. 4.0 is on the very end of the range and we should get that checked out some more. I have my fingers crossed that tweaking this a litttle will start to make her feel better.
> 
> You know what is really sad she is so down on herself and depressed that she seems to be kind of giving up on herself. I often think why am I the one doing all this research trying to figure this out. If I was the one with the thyroid problem I would be doing research 24/7 trying to learn why I think and act the way I do. She has been like this for almost 10 yrs and been trying many different antidepressants the whole time with none of them seeming to help much so I can see her frustration I guess.



I have thyroid problems and my doc wants the TSH to stay around 1.0 to 1.7. So a 4 is pretty high. I think you are on the right track with this but it's not going to totally clear stuff up.

It sounds like she has lost hope of finding normal again. Hang in there. Once she starts to improve it'll be easier to create that positive snowball effect.

You're a good husband Stuck!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Re: Her thyroid. The normal range has a lot of play in it. Find out exactly where in the normal range she is (what her number is). Because while it's in the normal range, it might not be normal enough for her.


I agree, Open. And, making things more difficult still, obtaining one thyroid measurement may not give you an accurate picture of the true thyroid level. In my case, for example, I had hypothyroidism for years and it never showed up any of several thyroid tests during that period. I therefore was tired and fatigued for several years and many tests could not determine the cause. 

In my last annual physical, however, my thyroid level was shown to be far too low. My doctor explained that it is common, with hypothyroidism, for the thyroid to sporadically produce a normal level. Its output can sputter, alternating between low and normal. The result is that it may take several measurements over a period of time to catch hypothyroidism.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Well it seems we hit another road block. That Abillify she went to get costs 360$ for a month thats over 4,000$ a year. How many people can afford that They should stop advertising it so much maybe people could afford to try it......


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Do you have health insurance? There is a patient assistance program through the drug manufacturer that you might qualify for: ABILIFY® (aripiprazole) Assist Frequently Asked Questions


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Hi Stuckinrut, I just want you know that you're a great guy for staying by your wife and helping her get better. She has to be willing to get help though. If she feels like giving up, then she has to know, and feel, you are always there for her to support and accept her, and her condition. 

I have gone through serious depression myself and you know what my best pill was? My boyfriend  He makes me feel accepted and reminds me all the time that he loves me no matter how I look, or how I think I look. He always tells me that I'm beautiful and believes that I'm a good person even if sometimes (I don't believe him. He calls his method 'Constant Assurances'  ) He was my best shrink! He still is  Because of him I decided I wanted to get over my depression, and the bunch of my other issues  We always try to get busy with other stuff together just so I won't have to think about myself being depressed and all. And when I feel like just sleeping all day, he sleeps with me! Cuddles with me, hugs me tight, kisses me. There are still down times but I guess there always will be. What matters is that we're together and that I won't have to go through things alone.. Mae


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

waking up to life she has health ins. She went to drug store they said she didnt qualify for the rebate and the price would be 360$ not sure if ins. paid anything to get it down to 360$?

Relation thanks for the pep talk I am always telling how cute she is and comments all the time. She usually just rolls her eyes at me and says "your on drugs". Honestly the hardest part to deal with for me is always doing everything by myself because she never want to leave the house. The next thing is she shows absolutey no love and affection and that really sucks feeling like she is just a roomate like in college.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> Relation thanks for the pep talk I am always telling how cute she is and comments all the time. She usually just rolls her eyes at me and says "your on drugs". Honestly the hardest part to deal with for me is always doing everything by myself because she never want to leave the house. The next thing is she shows absolutey no love and affection and that really sucks feeling like she is just a roomate like in college.


Here is where you might be crossing the line between supporting and enabling. You have needs too and you have a right to expect her to try to meet your needs. Maybe asking for a pole dance might be over the top, but expecting her to return your affection! You have every right to expect her to TRY to go with you on some outings. 

Next time you offer a hug, ask her how it makes her feel to be hugged, does she feel loved? Does she enjoy being hugged and held? She'll say yes. You say, well I enjoy it too and wish you would offer me affection too.

When people live with depression for so long, they become almost self absorbed and they forget other people have problems too, they forget other people have feelings and needs and they forget to try to meet those needs. As her mood improves, she needs to relearn this and become more a partner of love and less of a recipient of your love. Its not that she intends to exclude you or not show love to you, shes been hurting for so long she hasn't seen the forest for the trees. Show her the trees.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

OK so I am back....She had a full thyroid scan done and her tsh # was 4.6 this time her t3 was normal(what ever that is?) and her t4 was low the doc said at .8 and she got a persciption to try. She has been taking 4 days now today not seeing much change not sure how long this med takes to kick in. 

She also was able to get the Abilify and we are thinking she should wait to try it to see if this thyroid stuff does anything. What do you guys think? Wait with the Abilify or start two meds at once? I am so excited to see some progress I am almost going nuts myself!


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Do you people think the test #s I gave you explain yes there is a big thyroid issue or are those #s not bad? I know everyone is different.

I know when I was telling her doctor I think it is a thyroid problem and the doc was saying "we can test it but I really dont think so" has me kinda second guessing the thyroid. 

I am sure the doctor is thinking "who does this dillhole think he is? I am the doctor here!"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you go with what your gut tells you. OTOH...No doctor wants to deal with a patient diagnosed by an Internet forum. Was this her primary care doc? If you feel you aren't being taken seriously, take her to an endocrinologist who specializes in treating, among other endocrin system disorders, thyroid disorders. Some primary care docs are very good, others...not so much in dealing with thyroid. And no, it's not a matter of her lab levels. When she's been on a dose for a few weeks, if she isn't feeling better, digestion, skin, hair, sleep and energy level/mood, they need to decide if her lab levels are "could" support a tweak in dosage. People can be sub clinical, lab levels just slightly off normal, for years which can lead to a delay in treatment.

The brain is dynamic and something that is slightly out of wack can get really out of whack when the thyroid isn't working right. 

I would suggest you get her thyroid leveled and THEN introduce new meds. 

Who prescribed the abilify? Was it her psychiatrist? Does that doc know about her thyroid? What does that doc say about introducing both meds at the same time?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Stuck, I agree with Pink. After waiting several years for a solution, it seems prudent to delay the abilify for two weeks to see what the effect of the thyroid supplement is. I suggest you call the doctor prescribing the Abilify to get his opinion over the phone (without going in for another office visit). He may want her to delay starting it for longer than that. If she starts both simultaneously, you won't know which drug (if any) can be discontinued if she starts feeling better.

The National Institute of Health website states:Even without signs or symptoms of an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism), you will need to be followed closely by your doctor if your TSH level is over 3.5 mIU/L but your T4 test is normal (called subclinical hypothyroidism). See TSH test: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia.​This indicates that your W should be followed closely by a doctor. One reason is that her TSH level (4.6) is "over 3.5 mlU/L." Another reason is that her T4 level (0.8) is well below the normal range (4.5 to 11.2 mcg/dL) identified on that same website. 

A third reason is that -- regardless of what the lab tests show -- she seems to be exhibiting some symptoms (e.g., tiredness) of hypothyroidism. As Pink pointed out, treatment should be targeted to symptoms, not hormone measurements, because some folks require different levels of those hormones.

This suggests she may have hypothyroidism (i.e., low thyroid) because one of the thyroid hormones (T4) is low. Moreover, when the thyroid hormones are low, the TSH hormone produced by the pituitary gland typically is too high -- because the pituitary gland produces that hormone, when more thyroid hormones are needed, to stimulate the thyroid into releasing more hormone. This is explained much better at the website I mention above.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Stuck, welcome to the TAM forum. The web cam is a wonderful idea. It is pointless to spend 8 hours driving to see a therapist you can see, in a few seconds, by flipping a switch on the Internet. I suggest you go ahead and obtain the web cam and show her how easily it works.You can't fix her. A team of psychologists cannot fix her. They can only give her guidance. She must want to fix herself. The fixing, you see, is an inside job.


That's for sure. Only she can. You may be able to help her find the will to fix herself but if you keep trying to fix her the most likely result is you make it worse. The only thing you can really do is help yourself and be there for her...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Stuckinrut said:


> Hi I am new here and have been looking for a place like this to talk to people that understand my problem.
> My wife and I are in low 30s and got married in 06 and I love her to death always have. I know she loves me too but she has lots of mental issuses that make the relationship hard most of the time. I would have to write a 100 page book to explain my whole situation but I will just try sum it up for you.
> 
> Her main issues are: She has bulimia which was real bad in high school and college but now 10 year later she has it under control pretty well. She has OCD very bad cleaning constantly which drives me nuts sometimes. She has bad depression as well as real bad body image.
> ...


I really sorry to hear about your situation. Its really tough to love someone with mental illness but I have to tell you that you need to think about youself as well. Many caregivers are emotionally and physically drained after years of helping a mentally ill spouse. 

From your post you sound very frustrated and looking for answers but it would be a disservice to tell you that love will fix everything and your only solution comes in the form of a pill. 

Whatever you do please do not have children with this woman even if its controlled. Kids derserve a loving peaceful home and mental illness of this caliber will make proper child rearing impossible. Kids are very time consuming and will test the limits of even the most mentally healthy. If you ever want to have children then I recommend another partner. Yes I know it sounds harsh but its one thing to voluntarily put yourself through this anguish. Its selfish and irresponsible to put an innocent child though it and have them potentially genetically inherit this illness.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for the comments everyone. She asked the doc at her last appointment about starting two meds at once and the doc figured it was best to start both.(not sure maybe the doc still thinks the thyroid is not an issue?) She started with half pill now has a couple days of 1 pill and she does seem to be in a better mood. She still seems tired but seems to be feeling a little better about herself she even wore some nice PJs to bed last night so maybe we are on to something. The snow is finally melting up here in the north country so maybe that has something to do with it. Its been a long winter!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Stuck, thanks so much for the update. I was wondering how you two were getting along. It is encouraging that she seems to be feeling better after several days on the pill.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Alright! Great update! Hoping the spring thaw allows your wife's momentum to build and build!


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

Stuck, your description of your wife sounds just like my wife; she was anorexic when young and fights it at times even today, body image issues, OCD with cleaning and most other things, and major lack of trust. We had been married for approximately 4-5 years and I just couldn’t understand her. We were going on a trip overseas and I asked her mom and stepdad, (a pastor), to go with us. She freaked out on me and was screaming that I had ruined the trip. When asking why she finally blurted out “you were not raped by your stepdad when you were a child”. WOW! Suddenly everything started to make sense to me. No trust, how could she when her mom didn’t protect her when she was a child. Anorexic when 10, yes to try to stop the molestation and it worked, 6 month in the hospital. OCD, yes it is about control for someone who was out of control for so long as a child. You get the picture. We have been together for 11-12 years now and things are better with time as she works thru all these issues. The first thing is to find out the underlying cause of your wife’s problems. I would not be surprised if she was abused when she was little. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has bipolar, depression, and assortment of other non-specific ailments, including your wife's fibroid issue. She also is unhappy with her weight. Laying around in bed snacking, one tends to put on weight. What does seem to help my wife is a ride on my motorcycle. She gets out of the house, gets some sunshine, fresh air, etc. When she feels up to it, we take the dogs for a long walk. She's been to dozens of shrinks but getting outdoors seems to help her more than anything they've done for her. I'm guessing in Alaska there are plenty of outdoor options and it's not like she's likely to pass a hot dog stand in the middle of nowhere. No over-eating, no guilt, lots of great exercise, great, intimate bonding time with her guy, etc. Mine used to spend hours in her flower garden until her back issues prevented it. She called it her therapy.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CondorTX19 said:


> She finally blurted out “you were not raped by your stepdad when you were a child”. WOW! Suddenly everything started to make sense to me.


Condor, my exW behaved much the same way and, like your W, she had been molested for several years by her father (the bio dad in her case) -- starting about age 6. He also was verbally and physically abusive. The result was that she -- and her two sisters -- developed strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

If you would like to read about some of my experiences with BPD, you may want to take a look at my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. By the way, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your first W to cancer at such a young age. Take care, Condor.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for the post.. My wife has been going to a councilor and they have been trying to figure out why she has these problems but cant figure it out. They tell her most people with her problems have some sort of past problem like beating raped or abuse. Good luck to you guys



CondorTX19 said:


> Stuck, your description of your wife sounds just like my wife; she was anorexic when young and fights it at times even today, body image issues, OCD with cleaning and most other things, and major lack of trust. We had been married for approximately 4-5 years and I just couldn’t understand her. We were going on a trip overseas and I asked her mom and stepdad, (a pastor), to go with us. She freaked out on me and was screaming that I had ruined the trip. When asking why she finally blurted out “you were not raped by your stepdad when you were a child”. WOW! Suddenly everything started to make sense to me. No trust, how could she when her mom didn’t protect her when she was a child. Anorexic when 10, yes to try to stop the molestation and it worked, 6 month in the hospital. OCD, yes it is about control for someone who was out of control for so long as a child. You get the picture. We have been together for 11-12 years now and things are better with time as she works thru all these issues. The first thing is to find out the underlying cause of your wife’s problems. I would not be surprised if she was abused when she was little. Good luck.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

I am back not much change since last post. She is due to get the thyroid levels checked again soon to see if that is helping. I dont think this doctor knows much about thyroid problems and I have been doing research on thyroid specialists. I am going to start calling some of them and see what I can find out. The abilify seems to be helping with all her crazy thoughts. She is still not happy but atleast she is not crying. 
Man this stuff is tough to figure out there seems like no right answer its just a crap shoot every direction I look.


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

Uptown, thanks for the encouragement; I will look at your list too. We have been in and out of the storm cellar the past few days. We live outside of OKC, OK. I feel so bad for the people that lost everything as well and the family’s that lost loved ones as well as children. So Sad.
Losing a wife to cancer or for some other cause is the most difficult thing a person can go thru in my opinion. 
Stuck, be sure that the doctors have checked your wife’s Adrenal function; it can cause serious issues with overall health as well as mental health issues. My wife has adrenal insufficiency secondary to Lupus and RA. It plays major her in her health problems. Pituitary function should be checked as well. Good luck Stuck.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Thing are going ok these days. Her thyroid level tsh is 2.6 now. She seems to have way more energy. Still seems depressed pretty bad.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

hang in there stuck. It takes a while for the Brian to get back on track AND to learn to fight the depression.

I saw your other thread. While I love the meaning behind buying her dresses, it may be too soon. How about if you get her to wear the dresses for a candle lit dinner at home a few times?


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