# I am guilty - help still needed.



## not.hiding (Apr 30, 2016)

I am guilty. If that fact alone is enough to turn you against me, I'll understand that. I would simply ask that you thoroughly read what I have to say prior to responding here.

A little over a year ago I was arrested after attempting to solicit a prostitute for oral sex. That is a fact. Apparently I'm an idiot. Also a fact. Today I view that arrest as possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the wake up call of all wake up calls. Before I get into those details, I'd like to give a little bit of background, not as way of excusing my choice but as a way to help those reading understand my mental state. 

My wife and I have been together for over a decade. She is the only woman I have ever been with sexually. The story of our sex life is fairly typical. It started out as high frequency with her as the more aggressive party. Early on in our marriage sex was very good and very frequent. After our first child was born it slowed down a lot. That was difficult for me because sex was, and is, the way that I feel validated. It's a cliche position, but it's how I feel like a man. We went to counseling but never really did iron out all the kinks. Sex did improve after a few years but wasn't quite where it should be, in my opinion. We decided to have a second child and we went into that pregnancy with some agreements in place. She needed me to step up and be a better father in the early stages. First time around I was a young dad who didn't know what I was doing, deferred to my wife on everything, and generally did not step up to the plate. I wasn't abusive or neglectful, I just wasn't helpful and it led to some resentment on her part. This time around that needed to be different. I agreed. For my part, I said that I needed sex to be a more important part of our lives, even during pregnancy and I also wanted her to be more healthy concerning her weight gain this time around. Both were things that she agreed to.

During pregnancy the sex was fractionally more frequent than with our first, but still not the kind of priority I'd indicated that I needed. Additionally, the weight gain was again significant, at least in my opinion. (My expectations were based around what doctor's indicated was a healthy range of weight gain, her expectations were simply to gain less than last time.) Both of these things frustrated me and made me feel like my needs did not matter. I'm going to continue to make it very clear though: she was not at fault whatsoever for my later choices. Her actions did not cause my actions. I am 100% to blame for my choices.

Anyway, during the pregnancy I visited a 'massage' parlor. I don't know why I went. I was not looking for sex, not at all. I'm really not sure what I was looking for. That visit ended with me touching myself, nothing more. Afterwards, I felt terrible. I wrestled with guilt and shame and sought some individual counseling. I didn't feel that it helped.

A month or so after our child was born the incident I opened with happened. I responded to an ad I happened to see, showed up, and the rest is history. Those hours were the worst of my life. Self- loathing is the most accurate phrase I can come up with to describe it but it feels woefully inadequate. My wife bailed me out of jail (probably only because they refused to tell her why I was there). When we got home I told her everything. I told her what happened, I told her about the massage parlor, and I answered every question she asked. I told her that if she wanted a divorce I understood and that I wouldn't fight her. I was broken. I still am in many ways. The next days and weeks were miserable. The shame of my choices weighed on me. I considered suicide. I hated myself. 

My wife made it clear that she wanted to work through it, although there was plenty of anger and even more hurt. 

Sitting in the cell changed me. Deeply changed me. I am a new person today and I set about changing the moment I could. The day after this happened I found a new counselor and made sure I could see him that day. I wrote emails to my closest friends and family members telling them what happened, taking ownership of my actions, and telling them that they should hold me accountable to every promise I made. In the months afterwards I was open with anyone who asked and never wavered in my commitment to changing what needed changed within my heart. I gave my wife the keys to my digital kingdom. She had access before more or less, but I gave her absolutely everything that she wanted. I installed a monitoring app, installed filters, and basically made it so that at a moment's notice she could know where I was, what I was doing, and anything else she wanted to. I knew in my heart that those things were totally unnecessary but I wanted to make sure that she had whatever she needed to begin the healing process.

The months afterwards were... amazing. Unbelievable. We had some crazy fights and more than once she threw what I did back in my face. (When you're in a knife fight and suddenly remember you have a gun in your pocket, what do you do? Duh.) However, we also had some of the most open communication we've ever had. Our sex life became a 10/10. Frequency, quality,.. 100/100. 

About 6 months afterwards she told me she had forgiven me. About 3 months after that I believed her. All throughout I continued to do my best to change myself for the better and help her heal. She tried to take some blame for what happened and I continued to make it clear that she was not at fault. That her actions did not cause my actions. I never waivered. She is not at fault.

Today, over a year afterwards, I feel the struggle settling back into our lives. Our sex life has settled back into a more typical routine. The frequency isn't great and we're often awkward about it. At this point I don't think it's a function of what happened last year, it simply feels like the sex life we had before everything occurred. I truly believe that she trusts me today and I have zero, no, nada, temptation to seek companionship of any kind elsewhere. No matter what dry spell or fight or problem, that is NOT a temptation.

So now we come to the reason for typing all this. I'm back into a holding pattern. I feel like my wife doesn't truly understand how I feel about sex and doesn't quite grasp how crucial it is to my psychological well being. I feel frustrated about it and it makes me miserable. We've had many deep conversations, obviously, and I've done everything in my power to convey the importance of sex to me. I think she intellectually understands but because it's not that much of a need for her she rarely connects with it enough to move from thought to action.

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I still deal with the shame and guilt of what I've done and probably will for the rest of my life. I'm not looking for sympathy, no one needs to have sympathy on a cheater. However, I'm not sure how to make positive next steps either when I'm so discouraged. I want an amazing relationship with my wife and I've done literally everything I can think of to improve every aspect of our relationship, but in the area of sex I don't know how to proceed. I feel like a starving man who doesn't deserve food because of his previous gluttony. I don't believe that she views it that way at all, but at the same time I would understand if she did.

I think this has probably gone on long enough so I'll end it with a simple question posed to those of you who've gone through something like this: how can I talk to my wife about my sexual needs in spite of my selfish past decisions?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get the book "His Needs Her Needs".

By Dr. Harley.

Read it with your wife and apply it to your marriage.

I think it will greatly help you two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## not.hiding (Apr 30, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Get the book "His Needs Her Needs".
> 
> By Dr. Harley.
> 
> ...


That's funny, it's been sitting in my Amazon cart for about a week now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

not.hiding said:


> That's funny, it's been sitting in my Amazon cart for about a week now.


It is a very good bet that it will really apply to your marriage.

Pretty confident it is good medicine for your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Masturbation might help, also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

not.hiding said:


> I am guilty. If that fact alone is enough to turn you against me, I'll understand that. I would simply ask that you thoroughly read what I have to say prior to responding here.
> 
> A little over a year ago I was arrested after attempting to solicit a prostitute for oral sex. That is a fact. Apparently I'm an idiot. Also a fact. Today I view that arrest as possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the wake up call of all wake up calls. Before I get into those details, I'd like to give a little bit of background, not as way of excusing my choice but as a way to help those reading understand my mental state.
> 
> ...




Have you tried helping her with the kids? I mean really helping her. Doing things like helping with the household chores, and just asking her what you can do to help her day go smoother. This helps me feel more attracted to my husband, when he does this. Which makes a world of difference in the bedroom.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you cannot control your drives, your drives will control you. 

This is a weakness in you. And your wife likely knows it far better than anyone else does.

Sex is not validation. Sex is not acceptance. Sex is not something external to you. Sex is not a gift she gives to you.

It is yours, and yours alone. You can share it with each other, but not gift it. Do you understand?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

one of the biggest problems in education and the workplace is lack of feedback. you're working along and suddenly you're called into the office and demoted/fired because you're not working out.

feedback is important here. as sex seems to slack off, you need to provide feedback to her. what is wrong? what is right? do you still understand the importance of sex to me? am i lacking in meeting your needs?

waiting until you have an urge to visit a massage parlor is waiting too long.

of course you can discuss until you are blue in the face and then you have to decide whether to live like this, split or get professional help.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

not.hiding said:


> After our first child was born it slowed down a lot. That was difficult for me because sex was, and is, the way that I feel validated.


What did you expect?





> It's a cliche position, but it's how I feel like a man. We went to counseling but never really did iron out all the kinks. Sex did improve after a few years but wasn't quite where it should be, in my opinion.


My typical response:

Women arouse differently and we have to consider this. That said, she could still end up with lower desire. With a strong relationship, she could still be willing to help in other ways.




> This time around that needed to be different. I agreed. For my part, I said that I needed sex to be a more important part of our lives, even during pregnancy and I also wanted her to be more healthy concerning her weight gain this time around. Both were things that she agreed to.


You make agreements when she is not always able to commit to them. Seriously! Pregnancy gives women a hormonal challenge that you cannot fathom. That is a dangerous expectation that you had.



> During pregnancy the sex was fractionally more frequent than with our first, but still not the kind of priority I'd indicated that I needed.


What about her needs? Maybe she needed you to not have sex as a priority, during that time.




> Additionally, the weight gain was again significant, at least in my opinion. (My expectations were based around what doctor's indicated was a healthy range of weight gain, her expectations were simply to gain less than last time.)


But, she is going to take it as a fault in her appearance, no? The goal should be for her health. As such, you help her with diet and exercise. Don't mention focus on the weight.



> Both of these things frustrated me and made me feel like my needs did not matter. I'm going to continue to make it very clear though: she was not at fault whatsoever for my later choices. Her actions did not cause my actions. I am 100% to blame for my choices.


She wishes her hormones weren't in disarray. Your understanding would be valuable for both of you.


> A month or so after our child was born the incident I opened with happened. I responded to an ad I happened to see, showed up, and the rest is history. Those hours were the worst of my life. Self- loathing is the most accurate phrase I can come up with to describe it but it feels woefully inadequate. My wife bailed me out of jail (probably only because they refused to tell her why I was there). When we got home I told her everything. I told her what happened, I told her about the massage parlor, and I answered every question she asked. I told her that if she wanted a divorce I understood and that I wouldn't fight her. I was broken. I still am in many ways. The next days and weeks were miserable. The shame of my choices weighed on me. I considered suicide. I hated myself.


Guilt is appropriate. It forces you to think. Think. Grow from what you learned.


> My wife made it clear that she wanted to work through it, although there was plenty of anger and even more hurt.


There will be plenty of anger and hurt, even when things seem back to normal.




> The months afterwards were... amazing. Unbelievable. We had some crazy fights and more than once she threw what I did back in my face. (When you're in a knife fight and suddenly remember you have a gun in your pocket, what do you do? Duh.) However, we also had some of the most open communication we've ever had. Our sex life became a 10/10. Frequency, quality,.. 100/100.


You fought with her?


> About 6 months afterwards she told me she had forgiven me. About 3 months after that I believed her. All throughout I continued to do my best to change myself for the better and help her heal. She tried to take some blame for what happened and I continued to make it clear that she was not at fault. That her actions did not cause my actions. I never waivered. She is not at fault.


Expect it to come up time to time. We can forgive, but it may periodically strike new pain.


> Today, over a year afterwards, I feel the struggle settling back into our lives. Our sex life has settled back into a more typical routine. The frequency isn't great and we're often awkward about it.


This is where I ask about the quality of the relationship and how you go about arousing her.


> So now we come to the reason for typing all this. I'm back into a holding pattern. I feel like my wife doesn't truly understand how I feel about sex and doesn't quite grasp how crucial it is to my psychological well being.



See my previous comment.




> I feel frustrated about it and it makes me miserable. We've had many deep conversations, obviously, and I've done everything in my power to convey the importance of sex to me. I think she intellectually understands but because it's not that much of a need for her she rarely connects with it enough to move from thought to action.


You have to correct the relationship and connect on a level that you have never connected on before. It might result in more sex and/or "other" assistance from her.



> I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I still deal with the shame and guilt of what I've done and probably will for the rest of my life. I'm not looking for sympathy, no one needs to have sympathy on a cheater.


Permanent guilt is disturbing to me. She needs you to heal and get over it. That doesn't mean that she isn't allowed to be hurt, but she needs you 100%.


> However, I'm not sure how to make positive next steps either when I'm so discouraged. I want an amazing relationship with my wife and I've done literally everything I can think of to improve every aspect of our relationship, but in the area of sex I don't know how to proceed. I feel like a starving man who doesn't deserve food because of his previous gluttony. I don't believe that she views it that way at all, but at the same time I would understand if she did.


I'm sure there is more you can do for both of you.



> I think this has probably gone on long enough so I'll end it with a simple question posed to those of you who've gone through something like this: how can I talk to my wife about my sexual needs in spite of my selfish past decisions?


The same way every couple should approach sex.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

marduk said:


> If you cannot control your drives, your drives will control you.
> 
> This is a weakness in you. And your wife likely knows it far better than anyone else does.
> 
> ...


Damn Marduk. 

That's some pretty concise truth.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> If you cannot control your drives, your drives will control you.
> 
> This is a weakness in you. And your wife likely knows it far better than anyone else does.
> 
> ...




This is it exactly, this is what intimacy meant to me, once it's just given away I don't think it will ever be as good .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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