# I don't think I want kids, but my husband says he does



## raynesofcastamere (Feb 16, 2015)

This will be a long post, so let me apologize in advance. 

My husband and I were married in June 2014 after five years of dating. He insists that he wants to start a family with me, despite him being much older and having three grown children. I was okay with this at first, but now I am having seconds thoughts. 

I had a miscarriage back in November. I was fine with it while it was happening, but months later I think it has affected me more emotionally than I realize. I seem to be more irritable and anxious while before I was always very laid back. I don't know. Maybe my hormones are still all funky. 

Another issue: I sent my husband back to work (he was retired), and I quit my full-time job (I work part-time now), so I could go back to college to eventually have a career with a little more pay and hours more conducive to a family life. Now he comes home from work frustrated and angry about coworkers or events that happened at work. It makes me feel very guilty because he seems so unhappy all the time, and I have told him numerous times that I will quit school and go back to work but he refuses and says that my school is more important. 

(I promise I'm going somewhere with all this.)

I believe the thing that bothers me the most: His grown daughter is the single mother of two children. Their father is not in the picture hardly at all (maybe one weekend every few months), and she gets no financial support from him. That's where my husband steps in. He plays the father role to his grandkids in almost every way, which I think is great. This is another reason he had to go back to work. We are paying most of her recurring monthly bills, and most of the time putting groceries in the kitchen, clothes on their backs, most definitely shoes on their feet, school supplies... you get the point. We end up footing the bill for all the major parental expenses. In addition to that, any time we have a day off together he ends up watching the grand kids, be it because they are out of school that day or one of them is sick. I feel like I never get any time to myself with my own husband, and by the end of the day he is exhausted and usually snoring by around 8. I'm not going to interrupt his rest because I want to talk, or "be his wife". 
W
e are struggling financially. I am the only one that sits down and balances our budget, and I am failing at managing that as well. Every month we end up short it seems. Combine the support we give his daughter with the debt we both brought to the relationship and we can barely make our own household bills. 

Now, back to the aforementioned failed pregnancy: I don't know what I was expecting. I most certainly wasn't expecting a fairy-tale reaction when I showed him the pee stick. I WAS expecting a little more than "Awesome. That's nice dear. Did you want to go to such n such today?"

Maybe the results on that little stick were more exciting to me because I had never been pregnant before, and he has had three of his own. For someone who tears up over a hallmark card, I expected something a little more emotional from him.
Then throughout the 11 weeks I was pregnant I wanted to keep him involved in making decisions as far as the pregnancy and delivery goes. I bought us both a book to read (that he read maybe a chapter out of) about different birth methods (granted he has had three before, but that was 35 years ago). Talk about nursery, baby names, etc seemed to be more of an obligation than an enjoyment to him and ultimately the response I would get was "Whatever you like dear." 

Okay, I'm rambling. The point of all that is this: I don't think I want kids. He has too many responsibilities as it is, I don't see how he can take on the financial and emotional responsibility of an infant. I don't think I would want him toting our infant to his duaghter's to watch the grandkids when they are home from school sick. Yet, I don't want to alienate him from his daughter either. His family should come first, right? They should be his ultimate responsibility even before me, shouldn't they? Then why am I so frustrated with the situation to the point of being jealous of his daughter and the five and six year old grandkids? 

Given his behavior during my failed pregnancy I don't think he really does want kids either, even though he insists he does. I think he may be saying he does just for my sake. Like he doesn't want to hold me back or "deprive" me of something like that. 

I have turned into some evil jealous, attention thirsty woman, and that isn't who I am. I find myself pulling away from him to the point that we are basically room mates that happen to sleep in the same bed. I am so hurt by it all. However, when I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive (understandably so) about his daughter and her kids, then he gets apologetic about me feeling unimportant and like I'm just "there", another burden to bear. I don't want apologies. I want to talk. I want feelings and opinions, but when I ask for it or push for it, then it leads to an argument.

I feel like a failure as a wife, and I don't know what went wrong. I don't know how to fix it without making it worse, but I am going insane living in this stoic mechanical household. 

What is everyone's opinion? Am I being rash by not wanting to bring a child into this?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think some marriage counseling might help you two talk things through without him getting defensive. 

You have unresolved issues regarding both your miscarriage and the actual events of the pregnancy, you have issues regarding your finances, and you have issues with his daughter and her kids and how they impact both your finances and the idea of having a child. There is a lot you HAVE to talk through before considering another pregnancy. Letting it all sit and fester won't be good for your marriage whether you have a child or not.


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## raynesofcastamere (Feb 16, 2015)

Thanks for the suggestion. I found only one therapist locally. I will discuss it with my husband when he gets home from work. I'm going to have to figure out a way to present the idea to him without causing an argument or hurting his feelings.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If his daughter is indigent, she can get welfare to help train her for a job and cash assistance. You are not obligated to support her at all. 

As for the baby, you married telling him you wanted a baby. Would you want a child if his daughter was self sufficient? 

I would tell him his daughters options and remind him he won't be here forever to baby her. 

Also, many guys don't do a lot of baby stuff. Try not to take it personally.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I think kids come first when they under 18. But once they are adults, and are capable of making decisions for their life...well then their needs and wants shouldn't come before self or spouse. 

I don't think that there is anything wrong with helping out his family, but it shouldn't come at the expense of taking care of your selves. 

My thoughts
1. You guys need to sit down and budget together. If you need to, take a class on it. But sitting down and working out your budget and both of you knowing where the money is going will take a huge strain off of you.
2. You need to properly grieve the death of your child. I lost my only pregnancy at 8 weeks, and initially I felt a sense of relief and I thought I was okay. But I still think about that baby, who would be 4 now. I still occasionally feel sad. And I think it's normal. 
3. MC would definitely be a good idea. But I also think IC would help you too. It would help you grieve and help you decide if you really want a baby, and if you want an baby with him. You need to figure both out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

How old is your husband's daughter?

What is his daughter's financial situation? Does she work? How is she supporting herself and her children? I'm assuming that you and your husband are not supporting her 100 %.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

raynesofcastamere said:


> His family should come first, right? They should be his ultimate responsibility even before me, shouldn't they?


NO NO NO!!! You are his wife...YOU should be his #1.

His daughter needs to be more financially independent. Her father needs to help her with this, not just keep giving her money and paying her bills - what's she learning from that?

You are absolutely right not to bring a new baby into this situation as it is at the moment, but I do think part of that is also unresolved grief from the loss of your baby. You need to deal with that too, and that takes time.

I would recommend counselling for you and your hubby, to work out if you BOTH are 100% to a child of your own, and if so, a timeline on how to get his daughter 100% independent. If you do have a newborn, you can't be looking his after his sick grandchildren as well, especially while the baby is too young to be immunised.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

It sounds like a really tough time for everyone involved. It's great that he's helping his daughter out, but at the same time, he should be trying harder to spend time with you. Is this whole mess something that has worsened in recent months, or has it always been like this?

Regardless, I definitely wouldn't bring a new child into the situation you've described. Whether you end up wanting kids or not, you don't have to do anything right now - you haven't even been married for a year yet, after all. Other than that I agree with the points already made by people in this thread. Counseling might be beneficial for you two.


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