# Don't Want Her In My Home!



## FirstYearDown

My parents have never seen where my husband and I live. This is because I do not want my mother in our place.

I don't want to hear her disrespectful and controlling comments. Our home is our sanctuary and my husband and I don't want negative energy.

She will tell us how to run our home and how to decorate it.
My husband can't stand my mother, but he tolerates her because of me. He hates her because she was an abusive parent, she meddles and she is very materialistic. I don't want an argument to break out between my mother and my husband. He told me that he will only bite his tongue for so long. 

Yesterday I spoke to my mother on the phone. She told me that when she comes to visit, she will be bringing her own food because she doesn't want what I cook.  I think that's incredibly rude. Am I being too sensitive? My husband said that maybe he should bring a lunchbox when we go to my parents for dinner. :rofl:

My father is one of my best friends, but he is afraid of my mother and agrees with whatever she says. I complain to him about her because my mother gets embarrassed when my father knows about her nasty comments. He always says that I should be glad that my mother is so nosy and she has more experience blah blah blah blah....


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## Dollystanford

'when you're a guest in my house you eat the food I provide, otherwise you won't be a guest in my house'

alternatively you could give her a doobie to chill her the f*ck out


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## ScarletBegonias

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way about dear old mom. 
I've lived in my apartment for a few years and my mother has never once been invited.

I don't think you're being too sensitive about the food comment.She's being rude and ridiculous. Unless she has a special diet then there's no reason for her to not eat what you cook.

Just bc someone has experience doesn't mean they get to act like a jerk...it shocks me that your father would say that to you knowing that your mother is so hurtful with her comments.


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## FirstYearDown

Thanks, dolls. My husband says my mother does and says certain things to get a rise out of me. 

She does not have a special diet.


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## Dollystanford

of course she's trying to get a rise out of you - my mother does it all the time, but she's really passive aggressive and martyr-like which is beyond irritating. 

luckily I can deal with it and she certainly was never abusive - I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive if she was....


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## FirstYearDown

I have forgiven my mother because I realize she just continued the cycle of abuse in her family. She was abused as well and unfortunately my mother lacked the insight to seek better parenting methods. She is a damaged person who doesn't see how sick she is.


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## Bobby5000

I would not have her in your home because it will likely mean trouble. Is there some reason why she cannot simply visit and leave or you can visit her. Given the potential for problems, what is gained from your end by having her stay.


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## RandomDude

Holy hell, your mother sounds EXACTLY LIKE MY mother in law... even my FIL is like your dad!!! WTF lol

My wife has it easier though, I just tell my MIL to stay the fk away and my wife just backs me up and calls it "being a good wife" so she doesn't get too much in the sh-t (I cope the lot - but I frankly don't care hehe)


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## DrDoug

What might happen if you took no offense at her claim that she would be bringing her own food to cook? Other than asking that she help you all with the collective dishes after your meals, you wouldn't be engaging in what she is doing--trying to control her in response to what she has done over the years. The biggest challenge to maintain a tolerable connection in this situation usually involves being as non-reactive ourself. When we react "to make a point" your comments then are in reaction, not as a statement of self. Try just stating "that's ok with me. Your visit is more important to me than requesting that you eat what I prepare. Glad that you want to come see us..."

Some of this way of thinking is in our "Couples Survival Workbook"


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## 45188

You're all grown up. Tell her to stop treating you like a child and treat you like a coworker or something, because for some reason she thinks you don't deserve any respect since she raised you.


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## FirstYearDown

DrDoug said:


> What might happen if you took no offense at her claim that she would be bringing her own food to cook? Other than asking that she help you all with the collective dishes after your meals, you wouldn't be engaging in what she is doing--trying to control her in response to what she has done over the years. The biggest challenge to maintain a tolerable connection in this situation usually involves being as non-reactive ourself. When we react "to make a point" your comments then are in reaction, not as a statement of self. Try just stating "that's ok with me. Your visit is more important to me than requesting that you eat what I prepare. Glad that you want to come see us..."
> 
> Some of this way of thinking is in our "Couples Survival Workbook"


It is clear that you feel my "reactions" are the problem.

When you visit other people's homes, do you tell them that you will bring your own food because you don't want what they cook? I hope not because that would be uncouth.

You are the only person who thinks that my reaction is the issue and this includes loved ones in my daily life. Because of this fact, I am going to disregard what you say since it does not make sense to me. Hope you are not offended, but if my reaction was wrong then that is what everyone would tell me. 

I am not glad that my mother wants to come over and I am not a liar, so I will not be telling her that. To be honest, I only have contact with the narcissistic and abusive fool because if I do not, the rest of the family will shun me.


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## ScarletBegonias

ugh.SHE is the problem with her outright rudeness and demeaning ways!! 
you could have a complete non-reaction and she would STILL be this way.
I'm glad you don't take it to heart when people blame you for her ridiculousness.This is NOT your fault.


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## FirstYearDown

Bobby5000 said:


> I would not have her in your home because it will likely mean trouble. Is there some reason why she cannot simply visit and leave or you can visit her. Given the potential for problems, what is gained from your end by having her stay.


Maybe I was not clear. I would NEVER let my mother stay in my home. The visit she is pressuring me for is only a few hours. 

She complains to my father that I do not want her in my life because I keep her out of the loop and I don't let her control what my husband and I do. I do not trust my mother and it is hard for me to love someone who has been so abusive and manipulative. Now she wants to be best friends because she feels guilty about everything she subjected me to.  La Maman can carry her own cross of guilt. That is her problem and not mine. 

I did not even have my parents at my wedding because I knew my mother would make a scene. She made several nasty comments when I was engaged and tried to make our wedding about her.


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## FirstYearDown

ScarletBegonias said:


> ugh.SHE is the problem with her outright rudeness and demeaning ways!!
> you could have a complete non-reaction and she would STILL be this way.
> I'm glad you don't take it to heart when people blame you for her ridiculousness.This is NOT your fault.


Thanks baby. I appreciate this a lot. 

My mother's cousins and sisters blame me for being disrespectful, but they never comment on the stuff she does. This is because they believe that mothers are always right and allowed to treat their children however they feel.

My husband and I will be having a vow renewal in a few years to make up for our awful wedding. As usual, La Maman was trying to tell me who to invite because she doesn't like my father's sister. I shut her down with: "Mom, since K and I are paying for this, WE decide who to invite. Not you."


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## notperfectanymore

Hi hon...lots here won't understand, they were raised in a normal, good home....I understand your disfuctional family...I also have A WHOLE DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY to deal with...sux....but know...

IT IS OK TO SAY NO! It is OK to stay away, not welcome them, and shut them out...WHY? To protect YOU! The YOU that wasn't protected when you were little....It is OK to stand up for yourself...I have a SIL that IS NOT WELCOME anywhere near my home....I see her @ family functions and we are civil, but that is IT. I hold every boundary firmly with her...It would be OK to tell your mom if she's bringing her own food, she isn't welcome...it is OK to stand up for yourself...remember that...taking care of yourself is a good thing


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## daffodilly

FirstYearDown said:


> Maybe I was not clear. I would NEVER let my mother stay in my home. The visit she is pressuring me for is only a few hours.
> .


You know what? With a comment like that....just tell her matter of factly that you'll meet her at x restaurant and not put her through the trouble of bringing food. And if she doesn't like the food there? Tell her to eat at home and just have coffee/tea there, while you, your hubby and dad have a fantastic meal.

If she's going to pull antics, why bring her to your home. This way, if she acts up, you and your husband can simply get up, tell her you are not going to tolerate disrespect and leave. Do this every time she wants to visit.


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