# Is it too damaged?



## failed heart (May 17, 2011)

My husband and I have been separated for two years after 17 yrs of marriage. Through out those two years I have done nothing but hound him and pretty much stalk him letting him know how much I love him and I will change and to please come back to me and the kids and work things out. I just found out that he has started seeing someone from his work and it is killing me. Everything I read tells me to just play hard to get and he will come back once he sees that I am willing to move on. I am not so sure of all that. What if nothing I do matters and my marriage is gone for good. All he has ever said to me is that as long as I am like this he will never come home and it would take a lot of time before he could come back to us. Am I just holding onto something that will never happen or do I keep trying and not give up? I am completely lost and confused.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

failed heart said:


> All he has ever said to me is that as long as I am like this he will never come home and it would take a lot of time before he could come back to us.


What about you is keeping him away? Hard to give good feeback without some more details.

Sounds like he is looking for significant change in some aspect of your life. If this is the case, and you can and want to make the change in hopes of getting him back, then go for it.

After 2 years of separation, you should seriously consider letting him go and move on with your life without him. Be clear about what you need to do to win him back, or move on. Don't keep yourself in Limbo, its not a good place to be and it will only cause you further unnecessary suffering.


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## failed heart (May 17, 2011)

Truth be told, I can be very controlling. Not in the sense that I tell him he can't go anywhere or do certain things. I just feel this need to always portray this perfect little family and I think it just sufficated him and he couldn't keep trying to be something he wasn't and always felt like a failure. I guess that's why I feel like I need to fix this. Because it is my fault. He did come back after a year and said it just didn't feel right and that I was "trying too hard". How does someone try too hard? Maybe he is just looking for a reason to stay gone.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

is there anything wrong with you being a real person and not fake ? playing a role obviously doesn't work , find a person that he fell in love with a married . that your only hope , but do it for yourself because once you start dating other people becomes less in less likely that he will come home .

why did you feel like you had to betray yourself to something your not ? what happen to you when you're growing up ? what did you show him when you were dating him that changed when you got married ? or did he marry you hoping that you would change ? 

it is good that you recognize your issues. When someone has to leave to get you to change it is pretty good signal to them that you aren't sincere about fixing yourself . your only hope is change and time. hopefully other people will see the change in you and will tell him about it instead of you having to do it .
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> it is good that you recognize your issues. When someone has to leave to get you to change it is pretty good signal to them that you aren't sincere about fixing yourself .


This happened in my marriage. I am the one who moved out. 

After 2 yrs if he's seeing someone else and has not once told you he'll come back... let him go. File for divorce and move on w/ your life. Sounds like you did the same thing (hound him to come back) and it didn't work so do something different--let him go.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Playing hard to get so he'll come back has no guarantees... Especially if you've been separated for a couple of years already. It's time to move on; it seems quite likely he has.

C
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