# wife mentioned possibly leaving. harboring anger



## unforgiven1

Hello all, I'm new here to the forum. Quick synopsis of my situation. I've been married for 13yrs, have three great kids under the age of 10. I love my wife more than anything. I've never been unfaithful and I have no addictions/abuse of any kind. We have a picture perfect family. We make good money and have a great house in a great neighborhood in Nor Cal. A month back my spouse blew up and almost left. She said she basically feels like she and the kids are being neglected by me. I do work a lot, but she said basically when I'm home, I'm checked out and don't contribute. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation over the years. Usually I try to help when she voices a frustration (usually about me) and everything seems fine after.....I was wrong. It all built up and came to a grinding halt about a month ago. As I look back over the years, I could have done more, been a better dad, better husband and a better spiritual leader. I was very complacent and selfish which over the years eroded away my wife's spirit. She told me contemplated walking out because she feels like I won't change and doesn't need me. I have begged for forgiveness from God and her. God and I have already made drastic changes in me to save my family. Even though I'm giving it my all, she is still filled with anger against me. This is crushing me. I feel as she hasn't really forgiven me. She's distant and completely non affectionate. Everyday is painful. I'm praying vigorously for Gods help. Thanks for reading.


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## Thound

Keep doing what you are doing now. She probably believes you have changed just to appease her. Keep being a better husband and father because its the right thing to do. It may take some time. Be patient and dont try to fix it overnight. It took years for her to get to this point and its going to take time to get past it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idyit

Unforgiven - 
You may be in a better position than you realize. There are thousands(?) of threads on this site that have advanced past your apathetic state to infidelity of the emotional and physical sort. (Mine is one of them) You have an opportunity to be the husband and father you both want.

A few things that I can toss out as advice:
- Read Bagdon thread - He's also a believer who was in a very similar situation
- Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" & "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" -- Not spot on for your situation but could give you some things to work on. Use what works and throw out the rest.
- Consider marriage counseling - You taking the lead on this and ownership of your issues will be heard and seen by her.
- Continue to pray - Have a few 'Captain Dan' moments with God. If you shut up and listen you might be surprised.

~ Passio


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## ReidWright

forgiveness and praying don't get the dishes washed, the kids fed, or the dog walked. Come up with a plan, and execute that plan. Write it down and stick to it. Goals, schedules, etc


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## unforgiven1

ReidWright said:


> forgiveness and praying don't get the dishes washed, the kids fed, or the dog walked. Come up with a plan, and execute that plan. Write it down and stick to it. Goals, schedules, etc


This is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks. Maybe a bit too much. But she gets point that I'm serious and has even admitted seeing change. The big issue is, she keeps wondering why it took me so long. I can only say because it was the easy road and it was wrong. I'm trying...and praying. I have noticed over the past few weeks she's been spending an excessive amount of time on her cell phone. Buying new clothes and stuff...working out a lot more and other personal beautification things that haven't been a priority until recently. She denies an EA or PA, but my mind wanders....sorry I digress.


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## Thound

unforgiven1 said:


> This is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks. Maybe a bit too much. But she gets point that I'm serious and has even admitted seeing change. The big issue is, she keeps wondering why it took me so long. I can only say because it was the easy road and it was wrong. I'm trying...and praying. I have noticed over the past few weeks she's been spending an excessive amount of time on her cell phone. Buying new clothes and stuff...working out a lot more and other personal beautification things that haven't been a priority until recently. She denies an EA or PA, but my mind wanders....sorry I digress.


Umm this is completely different. She may be having an affair. Do not let her know what you have noticed. Start a thread on CWI. Do not act suspicious around her.Also dont let her know that you are here at TAM. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

You should both have access to each others phones computer ect.
Look at the phone records and stick a voice activated recorder in her car and a few in the house.
It doesn't sound good.


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## Idyit

Thound said:


> Umm this is completely different. She may be having an affair. Do not let her know what you have noticed. Start a thread on CWI. Do not act suspicious around her.Also dont let her know that you are here at TAM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I completely agree with Thound here. Totally different situation with the phone, clothes, working out etc. These are red flags of a wife seeking attention outside of her marriage. NOT dead on but a warning that you need to do some investigating.

Now over to the Coping With Infidelity section to see if you've started a thread.

~ Passio


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## Evinrude58

What you describe is exactly what I'm going through. My wife was sexting and sending pics to other men. What you wrote I could have written word for word in my situation. Is your wife on twitter? Check her phone for a "kik" app. If it's there, you'll know. I'm so sorry. If you do like I did and hover over her, talk about it constantly, follow her around the house, etc,., she will leave--mine did. Try doing your thing like you're doing and do your normal stuff. Ask her to stop the online relationships and hope for the best. She is likely having an emotional affair.


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## Evinrude58

I'll bet she is shaving a lot more in odd places, right?


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## unforgiven1

Evinrude58 said:


> I'll bet she is shaving a lot more in odd places, right?


Actually a couple months ago she started! Very interesting! Not sure about the Kik app. She's pretty into all the social media stuff so she may. I'll inquire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

So sorry, man. I hope you have better luck than I did. Remember that the more you chase her, the farther she will run and eventually leave. Don't do it. I wish I didn't.


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## Evinrude58

I love my wife and was truly repentant just like you over the same stuff you mentioned. Mobli, kik, voxer, were all apps my wife used to cheat. U don't want to see what she's sending. It will break you mentally and literally make you an emotional wreck. Just act and do your normal thing and be VERY attentive in bed. Make sure she gets her o. From my heart, I truly wish you success.


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## Evinrude58

Ask if you can borrow her phone and see what apps are on it. Think of an excuse. Doesn't take 5 seconds.


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## Philat

unforgiven1 said:


> This is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks. Maybe a bit too much. But she gets point that I'm serious and has even admitted seeing change. The big issue is, she keeps wondering why it took me so long. I can only say because it was the easy road and it was wrong. I'm trying...and praying. *I have noticed over the past few weeks she's been spending an excessive amount of time on her cell phone. Buying new clothes and stuff...working out a lot more and other personal beautification things that haven't been a priority until recently. She denies an EA or PA, but my mind wanders.*...sorry I digress.


30 minutes after posting this you started a new thread in CWI using this exact language in your OP. So what's the issue, her threatening to leave or her affair red flags? Or haven't you made up your mind yet?


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## unforgiven1

Philat said:


> 30 minutes after posting this you started a new thread in CWI using this exact language in your OP. So what's the issue, her threatening to leave or her affair red flags? Or haven't you made up your mind yet?


I posted in CWI on the recommendation of another member who responded here. To answer your question, the wanting to leave is more the issue because I haven't proven an affair yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Counterfit

unforgiven1 said:


> Hello all, I'm new here to the forum. Quick synopsis of my situation. I've been married for 13yrs, have three great kids under the age of 10. I love my wife more than anything. I've never been unfaithful and I have no addictions/abuse of any kind. We have a picture perfect family. We make good money and have a great house in a great neighborhood in Nor Cal. A month back my spouse blew up and almost left. She said she basically feels like she and the kids are being neglected by me. I do work a lot, but she said basically when I'm home, I'm checked out and don't contribute. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation over the years. Usually I try to help when she voices a frustration (usually about me) and everything seems fine after.....I was wrong. It all built up and came to a grinding halt about a month ago. As I look back over the years, I could have done more, been a better dad, better husband and a better spiritual leader. I was very complacent and selfish which over the years eroded away my wife's spirit. She told me contemplated walking out because she feels like I won't change and doesn't need me. I have begged for forgiveness from God and her. God and I have already made drastic changes in me to save my family. Even though I'm giving it my all, she is still filled with anger against me. This is crushing me. I feel as she hasn't really forgiven me. She's distant and completely non affectionate. Everyday is painful. I'm praying vigorously for Gods help. Thanks for reading.


I think the fundemenal problem you have is that you unfortunately married a woman who is an ungratful, self-centered, (word that begins with a "B".....has and "it" in the middle......and a "ch" at the end.


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## hehasmyheart

Counterfit said:


> I think the fundemenal problem you have is that you unfortunately married a woman who is an ungratful, self-centered, (word that begins with a "B".....has and "it" in the middle......and a "ch" at the end.


I think OP admits that he was self-centered and ungrateful. Nothing mentioned suggests that his wife was self-centered, ungrateful, or a b**ch.

Everyone has expectations in a marriage, it doesn't make her a b.


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## EleGirl

unforgiven1,

There are some books that I think will help you find real ways to get your marriage back on track.

While you do not think she's having an affair, this book can still help "*Surviving an Affair*" by Dr. Harley After that read "_*His Needs, Her Needs*_"


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## unforgiven1

Just a quick update. Her facebook and email are no longer open. They've actually timed out and she hasn't re logged because she primarily uses her cell phone. She is still very distant, un affectionate and would rather go out with girlfriends than be around me. She doesn't want to see a MC right now and not interested in reading self help books with me. She still denies any affair. So...I'll read them myself, and I'm seeing a therapist this week by myself. I guess worst case scenario is, if she does bail on me, I'll make a perfect guy for the next relationship


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## tom67

Did you stick a voice activated recorder in her car?


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## unforgiven1

tom67 said:


> Did you stick a voice activated recorder in her car?


Not yet. I need to buy one this week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cbnero

She has you on your heels playing defense. She has 100% power right now... because YOU are allowing her to. You are scrambling to react to her moves and she will keep changing tactics and targets so you will never get ahead 

What to do? Stop. Take a breath. You can't make her love you or manipulate her into staying.

So, now... 

1. Get the VAR in her car, around the house.
2. Be a man. Don't be cold, but disconnect. She is going to do everything to bait you into engaging. Do not do this. You will lose 100%. Say nothing, walk away.
3. Separate your finances immediately. 
4. Get your own cell phone plan asap. Don't discuss any of this with her in advance or afterwards.
5. Act happy. Get out with the kids and your buddies. Do not tell her about this stuff. Read the 180 over and over and over again. Lovingly detach. 

This woman is not the woman you think she used to be. Not right now. You need to be strong or you will be single. Could happen anyways but this is your only shot to get her back. 

When she says stuff just agree with her and act happy to be free of her soon. That is the fastest and only way to get her back. If push comes to shove have her served with D. You wouldn't accept this behavior from your teenage kid, walking out on responsibilities. Don accept it from her, your wife, an adult. Be strong!!!

Good luck.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## unforgiven1

cbnero said:


> She has you on your heels playing defense. She has 100% power right now... because YOU are allowing her to. You are scrambling to react to her moves and she will keep changing tactics and targets so you will never get ahead
> 
> What to do? Stop. Take a breath. You can't make her love you or manipulate her into staying.
> 
> So, now...
> 
> 1. Get the VAR in her car, around the house.
> 2. Be a man. Don't be cold, but disconnect. She is going to do everything to bait you into engaging. Do not do this. You will lose 100%. Say nothing, walk away.
> 3. Separate your finances immediately.
> 4. Get your own cell phone plan asap. Don't discuss any of this with her in advance or afterwards.
> 5. Act happy. Get out with the kids and your buddies. Do not tell her about this stuff. Read the 180 over and over and over again. Lovingly detach.
> 
> This woman is not the woman you think she used to be. Not right now. You need to be strong or you will be single. Could happen anyways but this is your only shot to get her back.
> 
> When she says stuff just agree with her and act happy to be free of her soon. That is the fastest and only way to get her back. If push comes to shove have her served with D. You wouldn't accept this behavior from your teenage kid, walking out on responsibilities. Don accept it from her, your wife, an adult. Be strong!!!
> 
> Good luck.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Thanks for that. Easier said than done, but I guess the 180 is the only solution. Not sure the VAR will actually help a whole lot. She is a huge texter and rarely talks on her cell phone. I'm monitoring the numbers she's texting. Unless she has a secret phone of course.


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## ReidWright

unforgiven1 said:


> Thanks for that. Easier said than done, but I guess the 180 is the only solution. Not sure the VAR will actually help a whole lot. She is a huge texter and rarely talks on her cell phone. I'm monitoring the numbers she's texting. Unless she has a secret phone of course.


maybe she'll spill the beans when she's driving with the girlfriends on their way out (if she's really seeing 'girl' friends). Especially if they are of the 'toxic' variety (cheaters themselves).


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## unforgiven1

ReidWright said:


> maybe she'll spill the beans when she's driving with the girlfriends on their way out (if she's really seeing 'girl' friends). Especially if they are of the 'toxic' variety (cheaters themselves).


the ones she goes with all actually good ladies (from what I know) and the ones she told about our issues have encouraged her to work it out. I think she's in a very discontent selfish phase and as one poster has it, she wants her cake and eat it to.


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## cbnero

Whether it's an affair or MLC the point is that it's about her, not you. She will try to make it about you. Are you perfect? No. Recognize and own your part in the marriage breakdown. But she needs to do the same and until she decides to do so, you have no chance of repair.

I went thru the same, like many others. But I didn't have TAM until it was too late. You might have a chance still, do not waste it doing the wrong things.

The 180 is tough and goes against all your instincts. But you must do it if you want to save it. Don't worry about doing it perfectly. But try it and watch her actions, ignore almost everything she says. Don't cave at the first sign of her moving back to you. She will ping pong all over the place until she bottoms out and deals with her emotions and reality.

She is willing to throw it all away, she needs you to be a man and show her that you have value. Keep on TAM, time's a wasting! Start now.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Evinrude58

If she's texting all the time it's likely a kik or kik- like account where her phone number doesn't show up and you couldn't see it on her phone bill. Just look at her phone and see what apps are on it. If she won't let you see her phone, it's because there is a reason. Her behavior says it all. They will not own the cheating. You will have to catch her at it. Jmo. I assure you there's something going on. Look up " symptoms of an affair" on google. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's usually a duck. I didn't want to believe it either. It hurts too bad. The 180 is incredibly hard to do, but is no doubt your best bet. Probably nothing will work. If I figure it out, I'll let you know! The shaving is a dead giveaway. Why else?


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## the guy

Your old lady is screwing around.....time to get in the know and stop being played.

My old lady resented the hell out of me for the crap I did and she cheated like no bodies business.

Even when I made positive changes she still continued.

Her resentment will tear apart this new marriage your trying to have. Hell most likely your old lady is pissed off that now you changed for the better and now #1 you might notice her shananagians and #2 she has more guilt now that your being good and she isn't.

Along with the resentment combined with the fog of a new relationship you are losing her every time so goes out with her "girl friends"....

Try this one.....next time she goes out with friend Y...contact friend Y and ask her when was the last time her and your wife hung out.


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## the guy

Evinrude58 said:


> The shaving is a dead giveaway. Why else?


Worth repeating


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## Baablacksheep

Right now you are acting desperate IMO. Like you can't live without her, I felt the same way in my situation. After a year of living separated it became evident to me that I COULD live without her. After my wife realized I was ready to end the marriage, reality slapped her in the face, and she started really looking at herself for the first time. Women that I have been around like to hang on to things that have been forgiven and should be forgotten. Own the things you have done wrong, that is all you are responsible for. That and doing your best. But at the same time she needs to be reminded that marriage is a 2 way street. She needs to do her part.

In many of our conversations/arguments my wife turned everything into how she felt about it. I finally have leveled that field by informing her I have feelings too !!


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## unforgiven1

Baablacksheep said:


> Right now you are acting desperate IMO. Like you can't live without her, I felt the same way in my situation. After a year of living separated it became evident to me that I COULD live without her. After my wife realized I was ready to end the marriage, reality slapped her in the face, and she started really looking at herself for the first time. Women that I have been around like to hang on to things that have been forgiven and should be forgotten. Own the things you have done wrong, that is all you are responsible for. That and doing your best. But at the same time she needs to be reminded that marriage is a 2 way street. She needs to do her part.
> 
> In many of our conversations/arguments my wife turned everything into how she felt about it. I finally have leveled that field by informing her I have feelings too !!


You bring up some good points. I'm pretty much past the pouting stage and I'm starting to get mad. I'm really trying not to let my heart harden. I've been to a therapist a couple of times now and spoken to some wise counsel about my situation. After all my sulking, pouting and crying, I learned it's NOT all my fault like she believes. She essentially states our entire 13yrs of marriage I have not met her expectations and thus, shut me down completely of any love, affection or meaningful communication. Some of that his true. I do own what could do better and repented. I can be a better father, husband, etc. I am human and less than perfect and I'm working on me. She makes it sound like I've been mentally gone the whole time. My wife is very discontent right now and still full of anger and I'm the easiest target;anger likely built up from a tough childhood filled with infidelity and divorce. I'm not sure where she expected to be at this stage of her life, but she's not liking it. She'd rather go out and have a good time with friends (or god forbid another man) than be at home with me. I fell short in many areas, but for her to blame EVERYTHING on me is not okay. Did I mention she hasn't worn her wedding ring in a month? Sometimes she'll wear a piece of costume jewelry on her ring finger...that's it. Really?! She still refuses to seek professional advise. She's running from the issues right now and I truly think it's a matter of time before she leaves. I made a huge mistake in the first few years of our marriage. My wife confessed one day that she "made out" with a co worker and basically had a EA. I never dug deeper so see if more happened. She was very repentant and sincere so I forgave. My mistake is I never had us to go counseling to address why that happened......now here we are. I've done some phone snooping and no evid of a PA or EA now...but I think she may have an app on her phone to text and it not record. The no wedding rings really concern me.


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## cbnero

If you elevated yourself to 50,000 feet how would you objectively describe yourself, your emotions, and your situation?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Evinrude58

It's not you, it's her. She's not angry at you- she's feeling guilty.


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## Baablacksheep

Exactly what cb said, that's what I was going to point you toward ! If your wife decides to leave you, is there really anything you could do to stop it? Probably not in all honesty, what you can do is make her life easier. I wouldn't want to be around someone who's cryin,pouting, and sulking either[your own words]. You don't have to be the life of the party when around her, just be a person who is interested in her life and activities of the day. Oh and BTW I don't know her thoughts, but I'd guess in the short term the changes you have made are probably, A: looked at with suspicion, B: making her angrier, cause she's probably thinking why couldn't you do this x years ago ? And she's right you know. You could have. I just wonder if you saying that to her might thaw things a little for her ? No need to grovel, or continuously bring it up. Just say, wife I realized I was focusing on myself and not on us as a couple. Apologize and say you want to make this better from here forward. She may well blow you off, you may think it didn't do any good, But bud, you better believe she's watching you to see if your real or not. 

Don't let the anger your feeling drive you to do more hurtful things. It's normal, and proper to feel that way. 

Her taking off her ring is a concern, she's telling everyone[male friends] she's gonna be available. Or a stranger that she is. Again, I don't think you can stop her. Have you ever heard of a **** test ? This might be the ultimate one !! Have you said anything about her not wearing her ring ? If you come across as weak, and begging your only hurting the cause. This is what I would do, I would mention it casually, then after she gives you her excuses, reasons etc. just say I'm not Ok with that. However if she keeps doing that, I would take off my ring too. Play her game back on her, see how she likes that \"/ See after that long a time together you feel like you can't live without her, BTDT myself. But the truth is, you can.


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## Evinrude58

You might write her a letter telling her about all the things you can remember that you have dine or not done that you should have in the past, and tell her how you think each one made her feel. Don't apologize. But let her know that you understand the ways you messed up and how it affected her. Last of all, realize that she is getting emotional support right now from some other man or men. Either way, the worst of the hurt lasted a bout 3 months for me,. One day you will choose not to feel as bad as you were, and it will get a lot better so you can at least function. It's not a death sentence like you feel right now. I have just gone through it. I made it through some of the worst, but I'm sure I have some terrible stuff to go through when I finally see her with another man. But I will make it and you will to. You have to fight the urge to talk to her about it and touch her. Both if those thongs will make her leave. I so truly wish us both lick. My situation is very similar to yours.


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## unforgiven1

Baablacksheep said:


> Exactly what cb said, that's what I was going to point you toward ! If your wife decides to leave you, is there really anything you could do to stop it? Probably not in all honesty, what you can do is make her life easier. I wouldn't want to be around someone who's cryin,pouting, and sulking either[your own words]. You don't have to be the life of the party when around her, just be a person who is interested in her life and activities of the day. Oh and BTW I don't know her thoughts, but I'd guess in the short term the changes you have made are probably, A: looked at with suspicion, B: making her angrier, cause she's probably thinking why couldn't you do this x years ago ? And she's right you know. You could have. I just wonder if you saying that to her might thaw things a little for her ? No need to grovel, or continuously bring it up. Just say, wife I realized I was focusing on myself and not on us as a couple. Apologize and say you want to make this better from here forward. She may well blow you off, you may think it didn't do any good, But bud, you better believe she's watching you to see if your real or not.
> 
> Don't let the anger your feeling drive you to do more hurtful things. It's normal, and proper to feel that way.
> 
> Her taking off her ring is a concern, she's telling everyone[male friends] she's gonna be available. Or a stranger that she is. Again, I don't think you can stop her. Have you ever heard of a **** test ? This might be the ultimate one !! Have you said anything about her not wearing her ring ? If you come across as weak, and begging your only hurting the cause. This is what I would do, I would mention it casually, then after she gives you her excuses, reasons etc. just say I'm not Ok with that. However if she keeps doing that, I would take off my ring too. Play her game back on her, see how she likes that \"/ See after that long a time together you feel like you can't live without her, BTDT myself. But the truth is, you can.


Well. You nailed a few things. She's def watching to match sure my progress isn't temporary. She has stated several times "i cant get past why it took me threatening to leave for you to understand". 
I owned that, shouldn't have been a better dad and husband. i asked for forgiveness. But its a two way street. Her reaction is largely discontentedness, resentment, and Im %100 of its cause according to her. But not all!! She refuses to acknowledge her discontent and selfishness. I l
fell on my sword in front of her...she has no humility and wont own whats hers. Besides all this there is several signs of a PA/EA. No wedding ring since this began, partying with girlfriends more, buying new close, Botox, wanting boobs and she shaves completely (since 2 months ago. first time in 13yrs) plus i got the "ive fallen out of love with you" speech a few weeks ago. Im working on me as best as i can!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FromEurope

I would talk to a lawyer.... I would start the D. papers and save them....... then I would talk with your W. seriously, tell her what you feel and asking her to start over, if she keeps the wall up or keep being hostile then you most shock her telling her that at this point it would be better to live separate live's and show her the D. papers.
Walk out without engaging and say that you will be back later to bring the papers signed to the lawyer.
Calm and firm no drama


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## Evinrude58

unforgiven1 said:


> Well. You nailed a few things. She's def watching to match sure my progress isn't temporary. She has stated several times "i cant get past why it took me threatening to leave for you to understand".
> I owned that, shouldn't have been a better dad and husband. i asked for forgiveness. But its a two way street. Her reaction is largely discontentedness, resentment, and Im %100 of its cause according to her. But not all!! She refuses to acknowledge her discontent and selfishness. I l
> fell on my sword in front of her...she has no humility and wont own whats hers. Besides all this there is several signs of a PA/EA. No wedding ring since this began, partying with girlfriends more, buying new close, Botox, wanting boobs and she shaves completely (since 2 months ago. first time in 13yrs) plus i got the "ive fallen out of love with you" speech a few weeks ago. Im working on me as best as i can!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is eerily identical to what my wife said/dine.


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## cbnero

FromEurope said:


> I would talk to a lawyer.... I would start the D. papers and save them....... then I would talk with your W. seriously, tell her what you feel and asking her to start over, if she keeps the wall up or keep being hostile then you most shock her telling her that at this point it would be better to live separate live's and show her the D. papers.
> Walk out without engaging and say that you will be back later to bring the papers signed to the lawyer.
> Calm and firm no drama


Do this. Your wife is done my friend. She is only going to lie to you and string you along because she can now. She is NOT the person you think anymore. 

To save the marriage you have only one chance, and I doubt you will do it.

1. Do a hard 180. Now. Every step is important. 
2. File the D and have her served. Protect yourself immediately.

You might get her to turn around during this time, but only if SHE decides to do it on her own. Your job is to remain cool, calm, and act like you are holding all the cards. Don't let her rattle you. Be firm and respect yourself. Never get angry or cry in front of her.

If you do this you will win either way. If you do not, I can all but guarantee your marriage is toast.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## unforgiven1

cbnero said:


> Do this. Your wife is done my friend. She is only going to lie to you and string you along because she can now. She is NOT the person you think anymore.
> 
> To save the marriage you have only one chance, and I doubt you will do it.
> 
> 1. Do a hard 180. Now. Every step is important.
> 2. File the D and have her served. Protect yourself immediately.
> 
> You might get her to turn around during this time, but only if SHE decides to do it on her own. Your job is to remain cool, calm, and act like you are holding all the cards. Don't let her rattle you. Be firm and respect yourself. Never get angry or cry in front of her.
> 
> If you do this you will win either way. If you do not, I can all but guarantee your marriage is toast.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I hate my life sometimes!! Just got back from a weeks vacation with the my family. Mind you this was planned before my wife went nuclear shut down. I know what some of you may say but I couldn't disappoint my kiddos. I had a good time with them. It was like i was just a sperm doner and a roommate. no sex in 6 weeks with no end in sight. She put on a fake face and fake personality. Every freakin time we were alone in room she would leave within seconds. She knows i want bring up the "s*%t or get off the pot" speech. I guess i have to write a letter since she avoids me like kryponite. I have (had) hope she would see she has a good life! But my hope is dwindling as fast as the equity in her $50k car. Yes I bought her a car 2 months before the chernobyl melt down. Im
my own worst enemy i know. I need 180 her @ss. Its amazing the power one woman can have over your heart and mind. Any suggestions on how to 180 a discontent selfish manipulator?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli

Get that VAR in her car and you'll have what you need in a week. You'll be ready to go, all biblically justified, without looking back. Just don't blow a head gasket when she starts panting and moaning.


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## cbnero

Follow the 180 exactly as it is printed. Do NOT bring up anything to her. Quit talking to her about the marriage. But act happy and start moving on with your life. Don't be rude to her just disconnected.


And get a VAR in her car ASAP.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## unforgiven1

cbnero said:


> Follow the 180 exactly as it is printed. Do NOT bring up anything to her. Quit talking to her about the marriage. But act happy and start moving on with your life. Don't be rude to her just disconnected.
> 
> 
> And get a VAR in her car ASAP.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



Quick update. After being he from vacation my wife was in a less than desireable mood (F'ing horrible) today and I finally had enough and called her on it. I know its not 180 but im sick of walking in eggshells being treated like c


cbnero said:


> Follow the 180 exactly as it is printed. Do NOT bring up anything to her. Quit talking to her about the marriage. But act happy and start moving on with your life. Don't be rude to her just disconnected.
> 
> 
> And get a VAR in her car ASAP.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



Quick update. She was in a less than desireable mood today (f'ing horrible) and I finally had enough and called her on it. I know, not 180 but im sick of walking on eggshells while being treated like crap. She tells me she sees me being a great dad but says i dont give her any attention. I went off how its hard to give attention and affection to while acting like i dont exist. Im less convinced that shes having an affair but more if a selfish discontent crisis. Anyway i controlled to conversation and told her I owned my issues but she has done nothing. I told her shes running from the problem by doing everything she can not to be home. For once she didnt disagree. She said there is no one else (still not totally convinced) but she acknowldeged she does not want to divorce and admitted she may need some anti depressants. Small victory in a huge war.
VAR is in hand!!


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## Baablacksheep

That's some good news ! Who is she talking to these days ? My guess is some one's feeding this. You'd be amazed how a couple people can keep the fire fanned.


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## ReidWright

" Im less convinced that shes having an affair but more if a selfish discontent crisis."

those two go hand-in-hand. Your description just sounds too much like every cheating wife story to be coincidence.


If she's in a bad mood, but warmed up a little to you, maybe the OM just dumped her, or they had a spat, or you're just getting too close to the truth.

get that VAR going (get another one for the house), or get a PI on the case pronto.


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## unforgiven1

ReidWright said:


> " Im less convinced that shes having an affair but more if a selfish discontent crisis."
> 
> those two go hand-in-hand. Your description just sounds too much like every cheating wife story to be coincidence.
> 
> 
> If she's in a bad mood, but warmed up a little to you, maybe the OM just dumped her, or they had a spat, or you're just getting too close to the truth.
> 
> get that VAR going (get another one for the house), or get a PI on the case pronto.


Im by no means letting my guard down. your words are exactly of a close friend of mine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cbnero

Ignore what she says. Watch her actions. If her actions don't match up then she's leading you on. 

Your response should be: that's nice. What have you done for me lately? 

Meaningless without action

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## unforgiven1

cbnero said:


> Ignore what she says. Watch her actions. If her actions don't match up then she's leading you on.
> 
> Your response should be: that's nice. What have you done for me lately?
> 
> Meaningless without action
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


You may be right. Not a whole lot of difference that seeing after our talk. False hope I guess. I'll give a bit to see if she's sincere or trying lead me away from whatever truth shes hiding. 
As the mother of my kids and wife of 13yrs its hard to not give her a chance to prove what she said. But Im still ready for the worst if occurs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy

Anything on the VAR yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> *By Forgiven1*
> Fell on my sword in front of her...she has no humility and wont own whets hers. Besides all this there are several signs of a PA/EA. No wedding ring since this began, partying with girlfriends more, buying new close, Botox, wanting boobs and she shaves completely (since 2 months ago. first time in 13yrs) plus i got the "ive fallen out of love with you" speech a few weeks ago. Im working on me as best as i can!



If your wife is not having an affair she is planning one and has been thinking about it for several months.* What other reason would your wife do the things you mentioned above?*

Stop trying to change her. Go all out 100% in preparing yourself to be divorced. Get your self stronger in body, mind, spirit, emotions, etc. Use all of your anger and other emotions to motivate you to get better so that you can have a good life with her or without her.

You are in deep shyt with your wife and I know you know that. However, you wanting to survive this, and came out with a good future *totally depends on you becoming much more self sufficient in body, mind, spirit, and emotionally*. I am sure that you are capabale of getting the right information to do this; then the main part is you DOING IT!


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## cbnero

Keep in mind- you can't control her, her feelings, emotions, or actions. Any attempt to do so will be construed as manipulation on your part and only driver her further away.

Reconciliation needs to be her idea, same with marriage counseling.

You are about to go thru hell, keep on going.

Search TAM for "just let them go" post and read it. It will help you immensely. 

Do the 180 like it is your job. Dont lose respect for yourself. You aren't responsible for her happiness.

Dont engage with her, don't try to talk. Just listen if she brings stuff up and thank her for sharing.

Focus on the good things in your life and be happy with what you have. Work out, run, find fun activities.

Dont let her take you down.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## unforgiven1

cbnero said:


> Keep in mind- you can't control her, her feelings, emotions, or actions. Any attempt to do so will be construed as manipulation on your part and only driver her further away.
> 
> Reconciliation needs to be her idea, same with marriage counseling.
> 
> You are about to go thru hell, keep on going.
> 
> Search TAM for "just let them go" post and read it. It will help you immensely.
> 
> Do the 180 like it is your job. Dont lose respect for yourself. You aren't responsible for her happiness.
> 
> Dont engage with her, don't try to talk. Just listen if she brings stuff up and thank her for sharing.
> 
> Focus on the good things in your life and be happy with what you have. Work out, run, find fun activities.
> 
> Dont let her take you down.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Just an update. We've had a couple of talks recently (brought up by her) and I feel like we've accomplished a lot. She has agreed to see a counselor and maybe try some anti depressant meds. She has also been much more intimate with me (including sex) and has told me many times she loves me and wants us to work. I've been monitoring the cell texts and calls. Nothing out of the ordinary. The VAR has revealed nothing to alert another man (thank God...I was worried what I would hear) and her cell phone does not have the KIK app. I agree with Blunt, she may not have been in an active affair, but is ripe for one. Not out of the woods yet, still trying to be my best so she can be her best. Also, I could not locate the "just let them go" thread.


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## Evinrude58

Really glad you're making progress,.


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