# Text Cheating ???



## tbgunn (Sep 27, 2012)

Discovered my wife and an ex-boyfriend exchanged over 2000 texts between each other in less than a month last year. I confronted her and she blamed me for it. She said I didn't initiate sex enough and didn't make her feel wanted. We may have done that to each other to some degree, but I don't think it justifies what she did. It seems to have stopped after I confronted her. But I think she fell out of love with me and now longs for him. He is in another state, so it can't work out between them, because of kids. We have been separated now for 3 months and I am a mess. My trust has been destroyed and I am constantly wondering what she is really up to. Is there really any chance of reconciliation?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

A chance? Sure. It depends on you, it depends on her. If she is genuinely remorseful and willing to do the work to rebuild, and if you are willing to forgive her and work to move past her betrayal - yeah it's possible. It's damn hard work though. That's not a lot of info but based on what you posted it does not sound like she's remorseful which is the very first thing that has to happen. 

Odds are it did not stop when you confronted her, odds are that they just took it deeper underground to make it harder for you to find it. If you're separated being a few states away is no biggie. Separation is bad - it just creates opportunity for her and lets her continue to live in her affair fantasy world. Who's idea was it?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What does she want to do? Divorce? 

No, her complaints, even if true, did not justify her affair at all. How do you know they weren't skyping? That's a common tool used for long distance affairs. It bonds them together. 

If she's was complaining about a lack of sex and she moved out. Well, I think she's taking care of that now.


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## tbgunn (Sep 27, 2012)

She has been anything and everything BUT remorseful. She has worked hard to drive me further away, with more accusations of how I failed her in the marriage. I am the one who has moved out, simply because it is more normal for the kids this way. However, I feel like she has gotten everything she wanted. She got to have her affair with no ramifications, got to have me move out of the house, has the kids more than I do (I work alot though). Now, she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. She pushed for the separation saying that just getting out from under each other would help alot. Well, its not working real well for me.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

What sigma said. /\


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry tb
I think there is another man. One who lives close enough. Or maybe the old bf moved closer. Stop trying to win her back for now. The more you chase the faster she runs. 

She figures you're going to be there in the long run, after she satisfies her curiosity - she may even be making real plans for bailing completely. 

click on the two links on my sig line and read those.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Conventional wisdom on TAM is that the faithful spouse is NEVER the one to leave. As you said, she gets everything she wants and is really paying no price. Ordinarily you would get advice telling you to make her pick - you or the OM - but that's hard to do in your current situation. Have you exposed the affair to anyone? How about the OM? Is he married? If he is telling his wife is the absolute quickest and most effective way to blow their deal apart. 

I'll bet she's still in it - it sure sounds like it. There can be no reconciliation until she takes ownership of her actions, is willing to be held accountable, and is remorseful. Don't even try, you'll just devastate yourself emotionally while she hardly notices.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Go home. Do not warn her, just move back in. If she has a problem with that, she can move.

Never, ever leave your home.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You need to move back immediately. She had the affair not you, why should you have to leave your home and kids. If she doesnt want to live with you then she leaves the home and she gets NONE of your money to help her furnish a new lifestyle. 

It would be hell to be in the same house with someone that didnt want you there but you being gone is making this so easy for her. Who wouldnt want to have their cake and eat it too?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BEFORE you go back, though, you'll want to buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on your person at all times. Seen way to many innocent BHs thrown in jail for false domestic violence claims. Don't assume she won't do it. Right now, at this moment, we know your WW better than you do.

Sorry you're here, but be glad you are.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

^^^^ Good advice ^^^^


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

tbgunn said:


> Discovered my wife and an ex-boyfriend exchanged over 2000 texts between each other in less than a month last year. I confronted her and she blamed me for it. She said I didn't initiate sex enough and didn't make her feel wanted. We may have done that to each other to some degree, but I don't think it justifies what she did. It seems to have stopped after I confronted her. But I think she fell out of love with me and now longs for him. He is in another state, so it can't work out between them, because of kids. We have been separated now for 3 months and I am a mess. My trust has been destroyed and I am constantly wondering what she is really up to. Is there really any chance of reconciliation?


Hang in there. It sucks wondering what they are doing and are up to. Going through the same thing right now. It sucks right now but better days are coming.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

TB,

You need to move back into your house. It is your house. It can have serious ramifications for custody, alimony etc... Move back in and make her move out. If she is it one who had the affair, you need to make it painful for her. Stand your ground. It can very well suck, and the courts could force you to move out, but make this hard for her. Give her a dose of reality. Split your finances etc...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> You need to move back immediately. She had the affair not you, why should you have to leave your home and kids. If she doesnt want to live with you then she leaves the home and she gets NONE of your money to help her furnish a new lifestyle.
> 
> It would be hell to be in the same house with someone that didnt want you there but you being gone is making this so easy for her. Who wouldnt want to have their cake and eat it too?


Get it done, back into the house. Did you expose the A to her family and friends? Did you expose that POS?

She is not going to be remoresful if there are no negative actions to her A.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Definitely move back

If you have any doubt about this approach, contact a lawyer

You should also do the following right away to protect yourself financially:

Remove her name from (or cancel) any joint credit cards you have with her

Take half the money you have in any joint savings/checking accounts you have and put it in accounts that only you control


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Of course your the bad guy. She needs it to be your fault. 

She will pick fights with you, and she will actively and aggressively bad mouth you to family and friends in order to get internal (and often external) validation for her cheating. 

It easies her guilt and enables her to continue doing her drug (OM). 

What's she's done and will do from here is incredible predictable. 

Your wife is just a garden variety cheater in an affair fog. 

Consider reading the links in my sig. (below)


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You should not be leaving the family home. She is the one at fault, not you. 

What type of actions is she showing you to prove that she is remorseful and wants to reconcile? What kind of transparency are you getting? This cannot be all from one side. She has to be the one initiating this and making the effort, until then, you're just spinning your wheels.

FWIW, I was the WW having an EA. I definitely turned it all back on my BH, blaming him and shutting him out completely. Looking back, I said a lot of horrible and cruel things and really made an A$$ out of myself. It wasn't until I pulled my head out of my behind and started opening up my life to my BH that we were able to start reconciling.


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## tbgunn (Sep 27, 2012)

She shows no remorse whatsoever. Just continues to blame it on me. I don't think her affair is continuing. But I am way low on her priority list now. When the affair occurred, she also renewed her relationship with her long time best friend. Now my wife shares everything with her, not me. The talk for at least an hour a day and share 20-30 texts a day. If she wanted to reconcile, she should be putting that kind of effort into communicating/sharing with me. Instead, I am left wondering what is being said about me. I hate it.


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## tbgunn (Sep 27, 2012)

We decided that she should stay in the home because her work schedule is more flexible and is able to be home when the kids come home from school. Unfortunately, my schedule does not allow me to do that.


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## tbgunn (Sep 27, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> TB,
> 
> You need to move back into your house. It is your house. It can have serious ramifications for custody, alimony etc... Move back in and make her move out. If she is it one who had the affair, you need to make it painful for her. Stand your ground. It can very well suck, and the courts could force you to move out, but make this hard for her. Give her a dose of reality. Split your finances etc...


What kind of ramifications could there be since I am the one who we decided should move out? Should I get her to sign something that says it was a mutual decision?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

tbgunn said:


> What kind of ramifications could there be since I am the one who we decided should move out? Should I get her to sign something that says it was a mutual decision?


No need for any document

Just move back in because while you're still married and it is the marital home, you BOTH have a right to be there

I would also tell her that since she is the one who stepped out on the marriage, you'll be sleeping in the master bedroom. She can grab any other spare room or the couch


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Move back in - it's your home. Let the judge settle this in court. You being out of the marital home may be construed as abandonment. Capture and record all data pertaining to the affair but go back to the home. 

Make it inconvenient for her - she can be the one sleeping on the couch or spare room. Stop making it easier for her.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If she lives in the home with the children this establishes a pattern of normal behavior.... The pattern is YOU ARE NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trust me on this... The courts do not care about adultery. In MD. it is a 25$ never enforced fine. The courts will say oh Ms. ScarletLetterA you live in the house with the kids, lets keep it that way... Mr TB pay them this much x 10...

Move back into the house and establish yourself as the kids father... Help at school, sports, activities, etc... Be their dad. This is hard for them and they need you now so go be the best father you can.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

tbgunn said:


> When the affair occurred, she also renewed her relationship with her long time best friend. Now my wife shares everything with her, not me.


This is common. She's the enabler, the CEO of the affair support group. Your W-BFF is an enemy of your marriage. She is exactly what I alluded too, she is the source of rationalization fuel. The heroine's little helper.

Truth is, She's either flat out toxic with bankrupted moral integrity and her own selfish agenda or she's a captive audience and only knows what she is told, which is a painstakingly crafted view of you as an abusive, controling he-devil. Perhaps a combo of the two.

She must be 'turned' or removed from the picture with extreme prejudice.



tbgunn said:


> The talk for at least an hour a day and share 20-30 texts a day.


and your certain this is who she is talking too? at one point during my wife's affair, after I had gotten a military protective order placed on my W's OM forbidding him from speaking with my W, she would call her toxic BFF and calls and texts would be routed to the OM. She was essentially the intermediary.



tbgunn said:


> If she wanted to reconcile, she should be putting that kind of effort into communicating/sharing with me.


She doesn't want to reconcile. But she wants you as a backup plan. Probably Tarzan insurance. She wants let go, but she won't until she has the next vine firmly in hand. She also wants all the spoils of your life together. This goes to the root of a cheaters cake eating ways. She is selfish and greedy. She wants more, more, more and she will bury a knife in your back to get it. Remember, your the villian.



tbgunn said:


> Instead, I am left wondering what is being said about me. I hate it.


No need to wonder. Your an abusive, neglectful, self absorbed, controlling a$$hole. She feels trapped and should have left you a longtime ago. 

He (OM) is the soulmate or knight in shining armor. You are the evil oppressive villian and she is the damsel in distress, or conflicted heroine forced to choose between love and duty (loyalty).

Think...

Cinderella (her) Prince Charming (om) wicked sisters (you)
Maid Marion (her) Robin Hood (om) Prince John (you)

Her BFF is the helpful little fairy god mother, or fryar tuck or whowever that is helping her conquer evil.

Insert any fantasy or fairy tales names in there but more or less, this is what is playing out in her head.


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## tbgunn (Sep 27, 2012)

Pit,
I agree with all of that. What do I do, go ahead and file for divorce? She has had the upper hand all along, passively forcing me to take the actions, making me seem like the aggressor, like I am the one trying to leave the marriage.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

tbgunn said:


> Pit,
> I agree with all of that. What do I do, go ahead and file for divorce? She has had the upper hand all along, passively forcing me to take the actions, making me seem like the aggressor, like I am the one trying to leave the marriage.


Outsmart her. 

Don't lose sight of the fact that you are dealing with someone that is essentially a drug addict. Her behaviors are laughably predictable. 

You will get all help and tools you will need right here. The key is being prepared and commited to using them. It's tough stuff and she will throw some curveballs, you have to have steel resolve and an unflinching commitment to the process. If you do, you will have the best chance possible of saving this marriage and or surviving this divorce with the least damage.

Here's the simple plan which many here can explain in detail. The hardest part and your greatest battle will be inside yourself. Conquer that and you will 'win'.

1. Information & Support gathering. 

2. Shock and Awe. Thermo Nuclear Exposure.

3. Go Dark and File. 180, Lawyer Up, No Contact.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's not uncommon to list the OM under a female friend's name.
Are you sure it's her bff and not her bf?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Expose expose expose. Start on FB. Tell everyone. 

VAR the car. If you own the phones you can often get a texts transcript. Methinks it's PA. Sure stinks that way. Lookup zoomback. (Sp?)


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

tbgunn said:


> We have been separated now for 3 months and I am a mess. My trust has been destroyed and I am constantly wondering what she is really up to. * Is there really any chance of reconciliation?*


Putting your psychological health first; I would put so much distance between myself and her that she'd think I fell off the planet. If it was me, I would stop talking to her, I wouldn't monitor her whatsoever, I'd file for a divorce, I wouldn't care about the house, I'd disappear.

Make arrangements to see the kids through a third party. She doesn't exist anymore. Done. Finished.

*That's your best shot at reconciliation.*

T


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

I don't think your wife has been committing adultery. I think she's crying out to you to be the man she wants.

I think you need to go get your wife back. If you hated each other that badly you'd be divorced by now.

She's a horrible communicator. She probably wanted you to find the texts. She needs you to lead and to discipline her.. not leave. I think she's crying out to you that if you don't be the man she needs that she'll be forced to go elsewhere. Now go be that man and get your woman back!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> It's not uncommon to list the OM under a female friend's name.
> Are you sure it's her bff and not her bf?


My wife works for a company with Drivers.. She erased all of the OMs contact information from her phone and "accidentally" put it under the company driver designation. She had no clue I knew.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Go home and stay home---a good atty would nail you for abandonment

She has the upper hand cuz you ALLOWED her to have the upper hand----

take back your rightful position as the paternal part of the family---and if she doesn't like it she can leave.

Her X-BF is an X cuz they couldn't make it the 1st time, they won't make it now either---there was a reason they were not together

Your wife needs to have accountability---she has NONE-----time you stated your demands, whether it be toward R or D, but take a stand and follow it thru---if she doesn't like it---tell her she can leave---stop allowing her to be in charge, remember ---SHE IS THE CHEATER


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I think it is a bad idea to move in after 3 months you have broken up she sounds very unstable. But maybe you could live nearby to be near your kids if you can. You have to be careful with the VAR because depending on where you live you could get in trouble for using that. So sorry you are here I hope it gets better.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

In fact what you should do is if your not sure ask your local police department and explain your situation and ask them best way you should go about it legally and or contact a divorce attorney and ask them the best way you should go about it as well.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

I have been through this twice in the last year. The 1st time I did everything she said that needed to be done for our marriage to work. She was texting guys and meeting people for beers while we were going through our issues. I drove myself insane watching and wondering what she was doing while we were separated. BIG MISTAKE! Start by working on YOU and try not to worry about what she is doing. I did that and it really helped. We got back together over the summer. But in January it started all over again. I have decided if she did this once before it will continue to happen. I have checked out emotionally and has really helped me with this situation. I hope things work out for you. Hang in there, things will be better for you no matter what happens.


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