# Do I contact the "innocent OM"?



## PizzaBoy (Jun 24, 2014)

First time BH (as far as I know) and first-time poster.... please excuse me if this topic has been covered but after a quick look-around, I didn't see one.

Last night was my DDay. I learned my WW had a weekend-long unplanned affair about 3 months ago during a trip to visit a lifelong friend out-of-state (she literally met this guy her first night while out at a bar and met up again with him the next night; friend was/is very upset that WW spent late-nights with this guy when she was supposed to be there to visit her...not "hook-up"). While I had some inkling something wasn't "right", only last night did she confess (I believe it was only be/c her friend threatened to tell me; her friend has hinted that I should look closer at the trip but I was initially too dense to catch the hints; her friend is a high-character lady which is why I had no issue with the WW going visit for the weekend).

Regardless, I now know what the WW wants me to know (ouch, that's tough to admit). But I was able to located the OM (who, as I understand it, didn't know my dear WW is married; he was told, by WW, that she was divorced and single).

My question: is it worthwhile to contact the OM in hopes of getting the "whole truth" about what he and my WW did that weekend? It seems I'm having alot of trouble piecing together parts of her "story" as some are illogical and just don't jive with my life experience. While I'm trying (and failing) to not focus on the "details", the entire story seems silly and her habit of using Trickle Truth (in other past relationship bumps; i.e. money issues) has me concerned this will be more of the same.

Anyone have experience in attempting to contact an "innocent OM" (he was lied to as well, I don't feel anger toward him...at least not at the moment) in hopes to getting a clearer understanding of the PA? Any advice on how to make such a contact more successful? Any obvious pitfalls I should avoid (if I decide to attempt the contact)?

Any/all advice and thoughts are welcomed. At the moment, I'm still shell-shocked and can't even consider if we'll try R or D; I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I just feel a need to know it all (not a sanatized version) and view the possible OM contact as the only probable method available.

Thanks; I'm very sorry I'm here, but reading some other posts helps me to know I'm not alone...and there is some comfort in that.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

sure, perhaps she made future hookup plans with him ('hey, I'll be in town again soon!'), made she had unprotected sex and lied to you about that part, maybe she pursued him, maybe it wasn't a chance encounter and she had set it up, maybe she told him about other boyfriends she had in town , etc. Anything that would get to the truth should be tried.

just explain to him the situation and why you need more information


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I'd suggest having a confidential discussion with the trustworthy friend. See if she confirms it was a ONS with someone out of the blue. IF there was a past connection between your WW and the OM, then go further. But I don't see the point in trying to locate a guy who has already moved on and is oblivious to her marital status.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Contact him. There may be more to the story, and they may still be in contact w/ one another (at the least). Don't tell her that you're going to get in touch w/ him, just do it. But make sure that you're monitoring her phone calls, texts, FB messages, etc very closely before you do.

If she really did lie and tell him she was divorced then what's the harm?


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

I am in the same boat.

My wife lies to OM about her and me.

I KEEP WONDERING IF I CALL HIM AND GIVE HIM THE,TRUTH.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I contacted the XOM and got information. He wanted to stay married and was desparate to get his wife back, so he gave me details that confirmed what my wife told me.

Typically I would say that contacting the OM is a waste of time as they typically lie. IN my case I got what I needed


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She gave you the best case scenario given that her friend was going to tell you. 
That she met him the same night and it was a stranger

She probably managed the OM by now.(Should my husband call you, tell him that .......), since she had a lot of time to plan the confession. The best case scenario is finding new details while the worst case would be him confirming the same thing as your wife. 
Maybe tell him that you called because you have a STD(of your choice) from her ONS and you felt he should know because she probably lied to him too.

Construct your own version of the truth using technology. Check the phone records, text messages. try retrieving deleted emails or deleted texts from her mobile phone. Threaten a polygraph, exposure to her family or manipulate her into feeling comfortable to confess more.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Yes but if your wife already contacted him and begged him to not say the true to help her save her marriage, he may lie about what really happened.

but discarting that possiblity, for what I have read in cases with innocent OMs if you approach correctly and in a not menacing or demanding way, he will probably tell you the whole truth (many men are emphatic, putting themselves in the situation you are going through).

but to be honest I don't know what you expect to find, is obvious that she had sex with him, why else will she say she was divorced (but to make herself available to a sexual encounter without any kind of negative for his part), and if he requested a second date he wanted her physically so it happened you can bet your soul to that.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If you can contact him, I would. Tell him the facts straight up, and tell him you want the same from him. You're not his friend or enemy right now, you just want the truth.

Hopefully, that will cut thru the BS, let him know you are serious, and the guy will be honest with you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She gave you the best case scenario given that her friend was going to tell you.
> That she met him the same night and it was a stranger
> 
> She probably managed the OM by now.(Should my husband call you, tell him that .......), since she had a lot of time to plan the confession. The best case scenario is finding new details while the worst case would be him confirming the same thing as your wife.
> ...


:rofl::lol:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yeah, I would contact him. You may or not get him to spill the beans, but there's a much better chance of it given he didn't know. Especially if he's pissed at her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yup, contact him.

Oh, and the odds of this being her first time at the rodeo, is, like, 1%. Prep for more.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Before you contact him, I'd dig more into the cell phone, facebook, email, etc records to see if there have been a number of unknown numbers, repeat numbers or bad e-mails leading up to the getaway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may or may not choose to tell you the "rest of the story" but you can certainly explain she's your wife and not single.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

PizzaBoy said:


> My question: is it worthwhile to contact the OM in hopes of getting the "whole truth" about what he and my WW did that weekend?


No, not worthwhile. Details do not matter. She cheated on you. Just assume the worst and hold your cheating wife's feet to the fire. I didn't want details from my x-wife. I know she spread her legs for other guys, and that was enough. I didn't care how many times, how many guys, or if she swallowed. I knew enough.

Even though he is innocent and was lied to by her, he just may decide to water things down anyway not wanting to get in the middle of it all.

Just concentrate on your wife. She lied to another guy to get sex, and he probably wasn't the only one. Knowing that, why do you still want her?
And if you do still want her, I hope she has put herself on a no partying or going out without you plan.


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## PizzaBoy (Jun 24, 2014)

As further info, I have checked past cell-phone records (I went back 9 months total; 6 months before the PA) and found no unusual numbers (incoming nor outgoing).

I have no idea how to recover deleted texts from an iPhone (as someone suggested earlier; there should be a class on that very topic, i'd surely attend), but I have gone through what's current and there's nothing alarming [of course, I didn't expect to see anything within messages still visable].

I did ask (via email) her friend to confirm my WW's story; she replied that she's done all she can do and that I should speak with WW or my pastor. I can't be upset on this one, she's stuck in the middle and is torn; I'm grateful she attempted to tell me (and probably "forced" WW to come clean); I see no value in pushing her too hard now...I may lose my only known source of good info or, who knows, she may come to me with more information/facts if WW is Trickle Truthing.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> She gave you the best case scenario given that her friend was going to tell you.
> That she met him the same night and it was a stranger
> 
> *She probably managed the OM by now.(Should my husband call you, tell him that .......),* since she had a lot of time to plan the confession. The best case scenario is finding new details while the worst case would be him confirming the same thing as your wife.
> ...


I would go with this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The OM owes you nothing. Why would he give you the truth? Why would he give you anything? All you would get from him are lies while he's smirking, thinking what a panty-waste you are for calling him. 

Here is what you give him.... give his wife or girlfriend the truth. That she is married to a cheating dirtbag who had an affair with your wife. Give her all the info you have.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What do you have to lose?

Her excuse was? The story makes little sense. She randomly hooks up with a dude for her first affair the first night... Probably more to it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> He may or may not choose to tell you the "rest of the story" but you can certainly explain she's your wife and not single.


I think he should make an honest woman out of his wife and get rid of the ho.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is the problem here. She's the one who made vows and promised never to betray you. 

She betrayed you.

She's the one who stood there on that alter and pledged her life and fidelity to you... her husband. 

She cheated on you. 

She's the one who vowed to forsake all others....

She spread her legs for another man... willingly.

Your wife is the issue, not the OM. Put the crosshairs on the right target.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Will you be contacting before and after the divorce?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My wife met the OW, told my wife everything.

OW didn't kick me to the curb though. But was adamant that I leave her alone.

Both gave me choices to leave and be with the other.

Your wife might get that offer too so be prepared for that. Unless you only need the truth and r looking to kick her to the curb then by all means talk to the guy. You might actually get everything from him.

BTW, I lied to the OW that my wife was a crazy stalking ex-GF.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Bandit, with respect, I think the issue is not who's more guilty - WW or OM. I think OP made it clear the OM*is innocent,and I agree. The only thing that gets the OM of the hook is if he honestly didn't know, which seem to be the case. 

The actual question if the OP should contact the OM to get some details. .. which I belive he should. No losses all gains. 





bandit.45 said:


> Your wife is the problem here. She's the one who made vows and promised never to betray you.
> 
> She betrayed you.
> 
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did she confess to you? Because her disgusted and moral friend made her.

So, how many other solo trips has your wife made? 

Sorry, this might not be her first job as a clown in the Infidelity Rodeo.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

expectation management if you contact him: be mentally prepared for him not to care if she was married or not. he got his.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

helolover said:


> expectation management if you contact him: be mentally prepared for him not to care if she was married or not. he got his.


Or he may be genuinely shocked by finding out she's married - either because of his values (can't believe I'm writing this, my natural cynicism is cheating on me today) or because he wanted an easy ons and got himself into this mess. ..

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

They met, they had sex. End of story. What more do you want to know? Who initiated, who kissed first, who did what where? She hid it from you and only confessed now..question is now that you know what are you going to do?


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Polygraph.

Expect to get a parking lot confession if she's willing to go through with it. Possibility of refusal to take the test is high.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Contact the OM and your first question is "did you know she was marriaed" your second question is his view on adultory.

The OM my be one of the good guys that saw an easy score with a " single" women...maybe he was looking forna relationship and got burned by your old lady.

Or he doesn't give a crap if a chick is married or not...if this is the case you conversation with the OM is done......you will not get what you are looking for and may even get some wild story of group sex and circus clowns.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

PizzaBoy said:


> Regardless, I now know what the WW wants me to know (ouch, that's tough to admit). But I was able to located the OM (*who, as I understand it, didn't know my dear WW is married; he was told, by WW, that she was divorced and single*).


Well since she said that she is divorced and single I would actually fulfill her wish and file for Divorce...but its just me and what I would do...Oh and btw you should do a polygraph test because reading your story and how she has no problems to lie to you (thank God for this other woman) I think its not her first time to cheat...

Good luck...


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## Psych (Aug 26, 2013)

First, I'm sorry this happened to you. Know that you have support here on this board. 

First, contact the other man. It is a low risk, high reward scenario. 

Second, get a full std check.

Third, my gut tells me this isn't her first time cheating, so, I'd push for a polygraph test. 

I hope the best for you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. The fact is this. Your wife had an affair. You know that because her friend told you and your wife copped to it.

There isn't any need to contact the OM. What's her going to tell you, that he had an affair with your wife? You know that.

Right now your main concern is what your going to do about your wife. She cheated on you so are you keeping her around and run the risk that she wont do it again or cut her loose and find another woman with better standards.

Sit your wife down and let her know that your taking her for a polygraph since she's only telling you what she wants you to know. Either that or tell her to leave and stay gone until she wants to put everything on the table and have it confirmed with a poly. 

If she gives you a hard time about it, then you know she's not being truthful and there is your answer as to what you should do.

Don't give her any wiggle room to get out from this. She had the affair and she has to now own it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Just because om or ow repeats a similar story to a wayward... That does not equal the truth. It could just simply be a rehash of the planned story should they get busted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First of all, look at the operative words in your sentence that I highlighted.



PizzaBoy said:


> Regardless, *I now know what the WW wants me to know* (ouch, that's tough to admit). But I was able to located the OM (who, as I understand it, didn't know my dear WW is married; he was told, by WW, that she was divorced and single).


Fact: Everything you know about the OM is soley what your WW told you. This is the same person that lied to you and deceived you and broke her vows of fidelity to you. You MUST consider what she has said to you is a lie until you can confirm it yourself. Therefore, you need to find out everything about this man, not from him, because you will probably be lied to. 

You do *not* know for a fact that:

1. Whether or not she knew him before hand. Her friend was even upset that she went there to hook up. You do not know if this guy is an old boy friend, crush, etc. 

2. You don't know if he's married or not. She "told" you that he's single and that she told him that she's divorced. You have not verified this at all. The likelihood that he has a wife or girlfriend is very high. It's not uncommon for a WS to protect the OM/OW. 

You said you don't know how to retrieve texts from an iPhone. The good thing for you is that it's an iPhone, and that means the iPhone has been backed up on to the computer via iTunes, so there is a backup file that has the records of the texts. There are programs that you can use to retrieve those deleted texts.

The bad thing is if she uses a texting app, then you're SOL.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> You said you don't know how to retrieve texts from an iPhone. The good thing for you is that it's an iPhone, and that means the iPhone has been backed up on to the computer via iTunes, so there is a backup file that has the records of the texts. There are programs that you can use to retrieve those deleted texts.
> 
> *The bad thing is if she uses a texting app, then you're SOL.*


_Not necessarily._

OP, do you still have access to the phone? Do you have the user ID for her Apple iTunes account (it will be an e-mail address) and the associated password?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SteveK said:


> I am in the same boat.
> 
> My wife lies to OM about her and me.
> 
> I KEEP WONDERING IF I CALL HIM AND GIVE HIM THE,TRUTH.


Yes you give him the truth.

When I caught my ex cheating I called the OW'en (yes there were more than one). He lied and told them that he was single. The I sent them each of them all the emails/chats he had with all of them. Just wanted to make sure that they knew for sure how deeply he had lied. That put a big damper on his love life


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pizza boy

I spoke to my WW's OM twice. I got the same story each time. In fact both WW and OM's story were the same almost word for word. So they rehearsed and got their stories straight. I'm sure you WW did the same. As far as the iPhone keep scrolling to the left until you get to the spotlight screen. At the top it will say search iphone. Type a keyword you think she may have used and see what it finds. You will only see a partial message and it will show deleted messages as well. Like I said it only shows a part of the message but it may be just enough for you. Good luck and sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you find out who he is?


.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Contact him, don't give him any real information let him spill it, hint around about what you know and let him confirm the facts you have.
But be prepared not for the info you may get I am sure your mind is already running way ahead, no write down any and all questions for him that way you don't hang up still with questions you may never get another chance to contact him.
Try texting him first and ask to talk see what happens, tell him who you are and that you are just trying to confirm what she told you, that's another way to get truth tell him she said one thing and wait for his response, Something like "she said you didn't use protection"
(when she said he really did).
Good luck keep calm when talking to him remember you want the info yelling at him won't get you any answers.


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