# Dominance



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Lately I have been trying to up the dominance in the bedroom. It seems completely natural to me. Last night I was a bit rougher than usual and afterward she seemed put off, and said the following: "We were not on the same page." "It was too intense." "What has gotten in to you?" "My vagina is going to hurt all day tomorrow." "Are you taking some sort of medication I don't know about?" "You're so different than you used to be." etc. etc. When I asked if she liked it she answered indirectly with "I did have an orgasm."

No spanking, no slamming, no hair pulling, just a good semi hard pounding during several positions. (I personally feel like I'm really holding back.)

We did come up with a safe word, "Cheese Coney." Why that word? I have no idea:grin2:

Anyway, is this something some women grow into or is it one of those things that you either like or dislike with no in between?

Sometimes I just don't know which foot to dance on.
After sex I only have a short window of opportunity to talk about sex. After a couple minutes she just shuts down and wants to change the subject.

She liked it, but didn't like it. I'm a bit confused.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Stop getting your inspiration from pornography; and try to get your inspiration from your wife, and how she might really feel.
> 
> That'll be hard of course, since she shuts down after sex and doesn't want to talk to you about it.


Just finished reading the book "Just **** Me"

Maybe I got a little too much inspiration.:grin2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> She liked it, but didn't like it. I'm a bit confused.


Just because she had an orgasm does not mean for sure she liked it. 

Imagine if you will trying to masturbate while riding in the bow of a boat during very rough conditions. Could you do it, YES. Would it be kind of fun, YES. Would you be in a hurry to do it again, .... it depends on how long it might take your broken toe to heal, and you have a very soar muscle on your right shoulder that you don't even know how that happened ... so NO!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Maybe my timing was bad and I did not read the signals. It seems that all the planets need to line up for her to be 100% into it. I am not complaining though. We have been having sex every Tuesday and Friday for about a year now. Come hell or high water, she and I have committed to sex on those days.
I really appreciate that, but maybe, given the circumstances (home late, big dinner, tired) I should have tried a different approach.

I got lost in the moment, I guess.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a WIDE range in what different women like. (same for men of course). There are women who want to be thrown on the bed and fcked hard caveman style - and there are some who absolutely hate it. Some really want flowers, wine, soft music, candles and massage oil.

Orgasm and enjoyment are not always the same either. My wife orgasms most quickly from some activities that she doesn't particularly enjoy - usually. That's true for men too - a skillfully done HJ is often a very quick way to get a man off, but for many it isn't their most favorite activity.

The problem comes in when your partner won't communicate. When they think it is "obvious" what they want - even though that changes day to day. Worse, some people are embarrassed to say what they want, and will instead say what they *think* sounds better. 

For sex to be good for either person, both need to be actively participating.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP, when my H first began to let his inner beast out, there was a time or two that gave me pause. One time in particular I woke up the next morning and asked if he had been angry at me.

Is it possible that your dominance made her question your feelings toward her?

Afterwards, did you hold her and cuddle her? This aftercare seems to be very important to reassure the submissive partner that the inner beast will also cherish her.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

UMP said:


> Lately I have been trying to up the dominance in the bedroom. It seems completely natural to me. Last night I was a bit rougher than usual and afterward she seemed put off, and said the following: "We were not on the same page." "It was too intense." "What has gotten in to you?" "My vagina is going to hurt all day tomorrow." "Are you taking some sort of medication I don't know about?" "You're so different than you used to be." etc. etc. When I asked if she liked it she answered indirectly with "I did have an orgasm."
> 
> No spanking, no slamming, no hair pulling, just a good semi hard pounding during several positions. (I personally feel like I'm really holding back.)
> 
> ...


As far as whether she'll grow to like it, that is up to the individual. Some women change, other don't. Some feel one way with one guy and differently with another. Basically, you've got to read your audience for the best results. My experience is that the more turned on the woman is the more you can do and she'll enjoy. If you are getting mixed messages and want to go rougher spend more time on foreplay and get her really worked up first. 

Out of curiosity how'd you handle her criticism. Did you let it get to you or brush it off?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> UMP, when my H first began to let his inner beast out, there was a time or two that gave me pause. One time in particular I woke up the next morning and asked if he had been angry at me.
> 
> Is it possible that your dominance made her question your feelings toward her?
> 
> Afterwards, did you hold her and cuddle her? This aftercare seems to be very important to reassure the submissive partner that the inner beast will also cherish her.


Yes, we did cuddle afterwards and she jokingly said, "are you going to pound me again?"
I think she is confused. Remember, we've been married for 25 years and now THIS happens. She did say "you were never like this before" to which I responded, "because I was too shy to show you how I really felt." 

I think she fears that I will be asking her to pole dance when she is 70 years old.

She thinks I am lusting after other women. She cannot understand how I can get so into her after 25 years. I tell her often how sexy and beautiful she is, but she does not believe me.

She is afraid of what will happen next. She says "I can't keep up with you."


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> As far as whether she'll grow to like it, that is up to the individual. Some women change, other don't. Some feel one way with one guy and differently with another. Basically, you've got to read your audience for the best results. My experience is that the more turned on the woman is the more you can do and she'll enjoy. If you are getting mixed messages and want to go rougher spend more time on foreplay and get her really worked up first.
> 
> Out of curiosity how'd you handle her criticism. Did you let it get to you or brush it off?


Yes, I agree. I think last night was not the optimum time to go rough. She was too tired.

I handled the criticism well. I was surprised because she seemed to enjoy it, but then she went on and on about this and that. I did not get upset in the least. This place really helps with that part. Instead of getting mad, I just say to myself "I'll post a question on TAM and figure it out tomorrow."


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Last night I was a bit rougher than usual and afterward she seemed put off, and said the following: * "We were not on the same page." "It was too intense." "What has gotten in to you?" "My vagina is going to hurt all day tomorrow." "Are you taking some sort of medication I don't know about?" "You're so different than you used to be." *etc. etc. When I asked if she liked it she answered indirectly with "I did have an orgasm."
> 
> No spanking, no slamming, no hair pulling, just a good semi hard pounding during several positions. (I personally feel like I'm really holding back.)


It seems pretty clear that she did NOT like it. 

Personally, I'd have a hard time believing that you cared about *her* physical pleasure because jack-rabbit pounding sex is rarely enjoyable for a woman, unlike what you learn in porn. It is more often painful, as your wife explained to you.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

norajane said:


> It seems pretty clear that she did NOT like it.
> 
> Personally, I'd have a hard time believing that you cared about *her* physical pleasure because jack-rabbit pounding sex is rarely enjoyable for a woman, unlike what you learn in porn. It is more often painful, as your wife explained to you.


Yes, exactly.

Dude, she told you she didn't like it. Why are you trying to make her like something she finds painful and uncomfortable?

I used to date this guy who thought I like to be hurt, thought I was into it. Don't know why he refused to listen to what I said, rather than read what he wanted to believe into my actions either.

Like others have said, an orgasm doesn't mean all that much.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> It seems pretty clear that she did NOT like it.
> 
> Personally, I'd have a hard time believing that you cared about *her* physical pleasure because jack-rabbit pounding sex is rarely enjoyable for a woman, unlike what you learn in porn. It is more often painful, as your wife explained to you.


I believe I made a mistake posting this on this particular forum.
It was NOT jack-rabbit pounding sex and there was TONS of foreplay.
I'll post in the private forum.
Thanks.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

UMP said:


> Lately I have been trying to up the dominance in the bedroom. It seems completely natural to me. Last night I was a bit rougher than usual and afterward she seemed put off, and said the following: "We were not on the same page." "It was too intense." "What has gotten in to you?" "My vagina is going to hurt all day tomorrow." "Are you taking some sort of medication I don't know about?" "You're so different than you used to be." etc. etc. When I asked if she liked it she answered indirectly with "I did have an orgasm."
> 
> No spanking, no slamming, no hair pulling, just a good semi hard pounding during several positions. (I personally feel like I'm really holding back.)
> 
> ...


I grew into it. But she HAS to trust you. For ME, the fact that he can tell when I am biting my lip and stops is huge.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Yes, exactly.
> 
> Dude, she told you she didn't like it. Why are you trying to make her like something she finds painful and uncomfortable?


I don't necessarily agree with this. "Like" is not a static state. I did not like it at first either. It was new and slightly scary. He came to know my body language, and I began to trust him. We were a little bit more adventurous from time to time. Now I love it. 

OP, talk to her. What does she say?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

UMP said:


> I believe I made a mistake posting this on this particular forum.
> It was NOT jack-rabbit pounding sex and there was TONS of foreplay.
> I'll post in the private forum.
> Thanks.


Whatever you did, she said it was too intense, and that she'd be in pain the next day. Listen to your wife.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

For the record, I would not call what you describe dominance but aggressiveness. Dominance is something else.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't necessarily agree with this. "Like" is not a static state. I did not like it at first either. It was new and slightly scary. He came to know my body language, and I began to trust him. We were a little bit more adventurous from time to time. Now I love it.
> 
> OP, talk to her. What does she say?



For the last 4 years or so of our 25 year marriage I have been upping the intensity and variety, etc.
It's all been great and actually both of us would agree that we are having the best sex of our lives.

I think last night was simply not the time for it.
I did not read her correctly. 

I think it's exactly what you say "new and slightly scary."


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

norajane said:


> It seems pretty clear that she did NOT like it.
> 
> Personally, I'd have a hard time believing that you cared about *her* physical pleasure because jack-rabbit pounding sex is rarely enjoyable for a woman, unlike what you learn in porn. It is more often painful, as your wife explained to you.


Bottom line is she didn't like it and therefore, whether or not you liked it or not, it shouldn't be done anymore or it WILL become and issue.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> For the record, I would not call what you describe dominance but aggressiveness. Dominance is something else.


I agree.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

UMP said:


> Yes, I agree. I think last night was not the optimum time to go rough. She was too tired.
> 
> I handled the criticism well. I was surprised because she seemed to enjoy it, but then she went on and on about this and that. I did not get upset in the least. This place really helps with that part. Instead of getting mad, I just say to myself "I'll post a question on TAM and figure it out tomorrow."


Women are complex creatures. Sometimes the criticism is because she doesn't like it, and other times its because she is trying to regain some control that she felt like she lost and having you react to her criticism validates that she still has that control. You not getting upset is about the best thing you could do for either situation. Good job! And don't be afraid to try the same thing again when she is well rested, and see if you get a better response. Just pay attention and be ready to change it up if she is giving non-verbal cues that she doesn't like it.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I think this is mainly about communication. When I read your first post and then read this comment “She thinks I am lusting after other women. She cannot understand how I can get so into her after 25 years. I tell her often how sexy and beautiful she is, but she does not believe me.” my feelings were pretty much confirmed. Your wife is not understanding the change. It is making her nervous and uncomfortable because she thinks your feelings are changing for her. If you were pretty much standard for 20+ years and now all the sudden you are becoming dominant.. her mind is asking why? Is he less attracted to me? Is he desiring other woman? Is he bored with me? Am I not pleasing him? Ect Ect. The best approach is to talk to her about it. I know you said you have a small window.. and I get that.. I’m not really good at voicing my sexual thoughts either, maybe you could write her a note or text her.. give her the opportunity to express herself without words. Let her know that you want the change for you and her.. that you are unleashing your inner beast but you want to please her. I’m sure any and every woman that read Fifty Shades of Grey has been intrigued with dominance. Maybe she could tell you what she likes and doesn’t like about it. What she is interested in trying and what she isn’t. If you aren’t on the same page.. she might keep feeling distant and hurt by your performances. In Fifty Shades, read it if you haven’t, there are lots of things he did that pleased her.. teased her.. built her confidence.. it wasn’t only about him getting his pleasure through dominance. Perhaps that’s more of what your wife was thinking when you talked about changing up the bedroom action.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Did she have trouble talking about this? Ump told us what she said in no uncertain terms about her pain, and he also said:



> I was surprised because she seemed to enjoy it,* but then she went on and on about this and that.*


I think she had plenty to say and communicated her feelings.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> Did she have trouble talking about this? Ump told us what she said in no uncertain terms about her pain, and he also said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think she had plenty to say and communicated her feelings.


Basically, she thinks I'm an animal, but smiles when she says so.
Says she is going to hurt tomorrow but laughs while she says it.

To me, I'm getting mixed signals.

For example, I asked her if she liked it and she replied, "yes, but"
Everything was yes, but this or but that. The negativity was accompanied with a smile, laughter and surprise. I should have pointed that out. It's hard to express things on the internet with words.

She did NOT say that it hurt during the act. I would have stopped immediately. I told her to make up a safe word. She came up with "cheese coney."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@UMP "Yes, but" sounds like you're on the right track, but need to tweak your technique.

BTW, you might want to try more than one word. DH and I have two safe words. We're soccer fans, so... Yellow Card means "I like this, but dial it down a notch." and Red Card means "Stop." This way, we don't interrupt play entirely when all we need is a tad bit less intensity.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> It seems pretty clear that she did NOT like it.
> 
> Personally, I'd have a hard time believing that you cared about *her* physical pleasure because jack-rabbit pounding sex is rarely enjoyable for a woman, unlike what you learn in porn. It is more often painful, as your wife explained to you.


I think you need to give guys a break here.

We hear all the time on this forum about how women dig dominance in the bedroom.

Then we hear from you that it's all driven by porn sex.

It's hard enough to figure out what women want, particularly when they won't tell us and we're just supposed to "know"; and especially so when they might not even know what they want themselves; and when their wants can change day to day. 

In my experience, UMP is obsessed with his wife's enjoyment of sex, so I don't think it a question of his ignoring her desires in favor of "porn sex".


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think he does himself a disservice if he reads that some women somewhere like dominance (and in this case, aggression) and thinks to apply it to his wife without discussing it with her first. And then when she says she's going to be in pain because of what he did, to come here and ask TAM if she would learn to like it. He should listen to what his wife is telling him.

If I came here and said: I've heard that men like anal sex because their prostates get massaged and it gives them the best orgasms, so I tried it last night and pushed a dildo into his ass. He had an orgasm but then told me that he'd be in pain today and that it was too intense. Do you think he'll come to like it one day? And then if I listened to the TAM people who told me men don't really know what they want sometimes, and that it changes day to day, so no need to listen to what he's saying...

...well, I wouldn't have that man in my life much longer because I'm choosing to believe what I have "heard" and "read" about "some men" under "some circumstances" rather than listening to what my man is telling me. If I dismiss what my man is telling me, he would be right not to have sex with me anymore because he can't TRUST me in the bedroom.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

The guy I mentioned earlier decided I liked pain because of my physical reaction to it. He thought it meant I was having a good time. What it meant was I was adjusting myself so that it would hurt less.

I still don't understand why women are supposed to conform to some submissive ideal where we grow to like whatever is dished out.

Yes, but means listen to the but. If it is too intense or painful, then it is too intense or painful. That simple.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Communication is key. Its really difficult to read some people's reactions during sex. 

If you told him you didn't like it, and he continued, that he is at least a jerk or possibly much much worse. 

If you didn't tell him, its possible he honestly thought you were enjoying it .



wild jade said:


> The guy I mentioned earlier decided I liked pain because of my physical reaction to it. He thought it meant I was having a good time. What it meant was I was adjusting myself so that it would hurt less.
> 
> I still don't understand why women are supposed to conform to some submissive ideal where we grow to like whatever is dished out.
> 
> Yes, but means listen to the but. If it is too intense or painful, then it is too intense or painful. That simple.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UMP, about a year and a half ago there was a male submissive who posted a few times here. He was living in a full time D/s relationship.

I understand you are limiting your activities to the sexual realm. But something he said may be food for thought, anyway. He posted that many people think dominance means getting what they want. He said it actually means taking responsibility for the other person.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Ump, I always follow your threads closely since we have similar circumstances (in our 50's, floridians, LD wives). 

I think you missed the boat on this one due to a lack of communication with your wife. You must have missed her signals during the act. She was likely telling you that she was uncomfortable and not enjoying things.

I'm not much of a "pounder", but my wife will sometimes give me clues that she wants to be taken and "pounded". Often it is just a lusty look, but sometimes it is an obvious move like her reaching for my hips and pulling me harder into her. At times it is blatent with her moaning "harder, harder!" (even I can't miss that one).

In the end, it is about communication and reading her signals. You must have gotten so caught up that your missed these until you were told in the afterglow.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Another possible issue is that sometimes people don't realize that it is too rough until after the fact. My wife has made herself sore riding me - didn't notice at the time, but complained the next day.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@UMP--if you want to foray into the world of kink (and a D/s relationship falls under that umbrella), you need to do some research and really learn about the lifestyle.

The first thing is COMMUNICATION. Communication is the first and most important thing in a successful D/s dynamic. The two of you need to be able to talk about sex, and what you're both expecting and what you want. Not immediately before or after, but at a time when sex isn't immediately on the table. You also need to be able to read her and understand what she wants, what she likes, and what she doesn't, specifically from her non-verbal cues.

My current partner--we are in the lifestyle (I'm a little bit newer to it than he is), and practice a combination of D/s (I like him to be the D) and just general kinkiness--made a comment several weeks ago. He said, "The most important thing I've learned from being in the lifestyle is that it's all about the woman's wants and needs. I might be in control--and you want to concede control to me--but it's my responsibility, as the D to make sure that YOU get what you need, and that has to be my first responsibility. What I need comes second." (What went unsaid is that he doesn't need to prioritize his needs as much, because--since my needs are being met, and because I'm the sub--I'm prioritizing his needs myself.) I'm lucky, because I've found a partner who pays very close attention to my reaction to damn near everything. Bless his heart, he doesn't always UNDERSTAND my reaction, and when that happens, we talk about it. In great depth.

We talk about sex a lot. What we both like, what we don't, what things we would like to try, fantasies, etc. Some of the things he's wanted to try, we've had to work up to, as my comfort level increased; some of the things *I've* wanted to try, we've had to work our way up to. We've also talked about things that are completely off-limits (establishing boundaries), and what other things aren't ok now, but may be ok in the future. We call this negotiation, and it isn't something that you just do once, with a new partner. If you are involved in a D/s or any other type of BDSM dynamic, negotiation is ongoing and will continue throughout the duration of that relationship. Some couples choose to to have specific times to sit down, discuss, and negotiate; my current partner have more of an ongoing, open dialogue--either one of us can bring this stuff up at any time. We arrived at our method rather organically, based on both of our individual needs.

My point is, you can't always just throw something new into the mix and think that she's going to like it right away; some things you have to talk about in advance. Some things you have to work up to. For example, if you want to try analysis, you don't just randomly decide to shove it in one day--you have to work up to it in stages, spending enough time in each stage for her to get completely comfortable, so much so that she's begging you to move to the next stage.

The other thing that is super important in a D/s dynamic is TRUST. D/s is a power exchange. In allowing her D partner to take full [sexual] control, the /s partner cedes her power and autonomy to him. This: a) requires a HUGE amount of trust in the D partner to listen to her, be attentive to her needs, and be aware of her limits; b) needs to be a conscious decision on her part--she needs to be willing to cede her control over the situation. It seems to me that your wife a) doesn't trust you right now, in this new capacity, for some reason, and b) she hasn't actually decided to submit to you. This D/s dynamic only works if both people are all in and agree. It may take you some time to get her on board--for some reason, she's feeling insecure in your relationship. That is something that you and she may need to get to the bottom of before you can move forward with a D/s dynamic.

If you want advice on pursuing more of a D/s dynamic, TAM isn't really the place to get advice. Most people here are vanilla, and don't understand the drive towards kink. (No offense, TAM folks, everybody likes different stuff.) If you want advice on D/s, you need to talk to people in the lifestyle. There are a lot of great resources online, and there are a few TAMers here whom I know are into kink and D/s (such as myself), and they might be able to offer some advice, but you're going to wade through some judgey sh!t posting this in a thread.

I would recommend googling "sensual domination." You're going to find some great resources that way, and sensual domination is a great way to introduce your partner to D/s without her feeling threatened or unsafe. You can move up from there and introduce more kink as she becomes more comfortable.

And a word to the wise: figure out what works for you and her. There are a lot of sites and writers who will say, "My way is the best and the true way to practice D/s," and that is BS. There is no one way to do D/s right--the right way is what works best for you. But keep reading, reading, reading--you'll find certain themes and ideas that come up frequently from many people, and it would be wise to apply these basic tenets.

I hope this helps! If you like, I can send you some web sites and maybe some book recommendations.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I think you need to give guys a break here.
> 
> We hear all the time on this forum about how women dig dominance in the bedroom.
> 
> ...



Buddy, I think some women are saying they want a dominant man when what they actually want is a man who isn't passive and tentative. 

Not being passive doesn't mean that you're being dominant.

Being dominant doesn't mean you should be a d!ck.


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## Rachben (Jul 22, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Buddy, I think some women are saying they want a dominant man when what they actually want is a man who isn't passive and tentative.
> 
> Not being passive doesn't mean that you're being dominant.
> 
> Being dominant doesn't mean you should be a d!ck.


I agree I like a man who is dominant in the bedroom and takes the lead, but other times I need someone who is gonna be gently and take a step back from the dominance role.  

Sent from my D5503 using Tapatalk


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Buddy, I think some women are saying they want a dominant man when what they actually want is a man who isn't passive and tentative.
> 
> Not being passive doesn't mean that you're being dominant.
> 
> Being dominant doesn't mean you should be a d!ck.


I know. The definition of "Dominant Man" in the other thread got pretty squishy.

What I'm talking about here is the "Just F***ing F*** Me" stuff that does seem to be a bit of a thing with many women.

Is that "dominant in the bedroom"?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rachben said:


> I agree I like a man who is dominant in the bedroom and takes the lead, but other times I need someone who is gonna be gently and take a step back from the dominance role.
> 
> Sent from my D5503 using Tapatalk



Dominant is not synonymous with aggressive. Dominant can be extremely gentle.




Buddy400 said:


> I know. The definition of "Dominant Man" in the other thread got pretty squishy.
> 
> What I'm talking about here is the "Just F***ing F*** Me" stuff that does seem to be a bit of a thing with many women.
> 
> Is that "dominant in the bedroom"?


Yes and no; just fvcking fvck me already is a request for not passive, closer to aggressive. Aggressive is dominant, but dominant isn't always aggressive.

Taking the lead during sex is dominant. 

-Dominance can be as simple as picking the desk top instead of the bed.
-Bending a woman over the couch instead of laying on top of her on the couch.
-Restraining her hands above her head with one of his hands, or cuffs or rope. Bondage is dominant but not all dominant is bondage.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Sounds confusing to me. I suppose I lead in the bedroom but I am not conscious of my own dominance. I do try to please her but she is very shy in saying what she likes. My one weakness is a kink I have where it might look like she is being dominant, but the truth of the matter is it is because I have asked for it, so I suppose I am still being dominant then. Outside of the bedroom we are quite normal and have a very loving and a happy marriage.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@UMP--I would also like to add, if you DO decide to start out with sensual domination, and give that a try, make sure that you're doing stuff that you KNOW she will enjoy. Some of the stuff I've read about sensual domination also includes/incorporates impact play, to varying levels. If she hasn't indicated that she's into that, or to what extent, or if you're not sure, stay away from incorporating those more "kinky" elements until you KNOW she wants it.

How will you know when she wants it? You will have improved your communication and trust enough that she will be clearly communicating that to you. She may never want impact play, or anything more kinky than sensual dominance. Some women aren't into it at all, and will never be into it. But she might find, when she has more trust and gives herself over to you completely in a D/s sense, she may learn that she likes it more than she thought she would.

There are definitely things that I LOVE doing with my current partner, which I NEVER thought I would be into when he and I first met. He also thought I wouldn't be into them, so it was a pleasant surprise for both of us, but we did have to ease into it, and work up to it. But now that we've shared this discovery together, we're both more willing and eager to suggest and try new things. 

Just last week, I shared a roleplay fantasy with him that I have wanted to try for many, MANY years. I had never shared this with my XH, because 1) I knew he wouldn't go for it, and 2) I didn't trust him not to judge me for having this fantasy. But with my current partner, I know he wants to please me (even though he's in charge!) and that he has an open mind, and he's willing to try pretty much anything that I want to try. He wants to please me, not because he's pvssy-whipped or whatever, but because his taking responsibility for my pleasure puts him in control; it's a way in which we have "exchanged power." And in doing so--knowing that I don't have to worry about whether or not I'll receive pleasure, because I've put it in his hands--frees my mind so that I can more fully enjoy it and I actually get more pleasure (multiple times, and more quickly, ahem) than if *I* maintained responsibility for my own, um, pleasure.

Anyway, I shared this fantasy with him, and he was like, "Let's do it! I know/have a place where we can act this out, and you'll have to get XYZ, but we should do it."

The two of you need to be able to talk and communicate about what you both want, and what your limits and boundaries are. Some of them will be firm, and some of them will change over time. Which is why you have to have regular communication and ongoing negotiation. She's not always going to want the same thing--it will change from session to session. If we had a really rough play session, the next time or two are going to have to be gentle--he can still be dominant and gentle--because physically, I might not be able to handle another rough play session. A bruised ass needs time to heal, yo. At the beginning, one rough session can be enough for her a long time; if she gets into it, eventually the time in-between will shorten. She needs time to both emotionally and physically adjust to this new dynamic and what you're looking for out of your relationship.
@Tony Conrad--my partner is into a few things that might make me appear dominant, but he's still the one in charge. I do them when he asks (and I do so with great enthusiasm, who wouldn't when he takes such good care of me?), but that doesn't make me dominant in any sense of the word. I've discovered that usually, if I start to get a little domme-ly (or maybe a little bratty, depending on my mood), he ups his game a little bit to counter and to take back control--which is what I'm usually looking for from him, if I get like that.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

My wife is what is known as vanilla but she would never take control. We have an ordinary marriage as I said but she does this one thing to please me because I ask. It's not arranged that I am in control I just sort of am. 

You have obviously got way into this thing FeministicInPink but I am talking about an ordinary marriage. I'm not interested in the bdsm scene, just relationships in marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

UMP said:


> For the last 4 years or so of our 25 year marriage I have been upping the intensity and variety, etc.
> It's all been great and actually both of us would agree that we are having the best sex of our lives.
> 
> I think last night was simply not the time for it.
> ...


I think it is great you are willing to experiment and even more so that you are giving your partner's feelings some thought so you can work out what's best for both of you. If you didn't try something new you would never know if you are missing out on something one of you would like. and FWIW I know some women do enjoy a "little" soreness (not pain but just tenderness) to remind them of the intimacy the night before - of course not everyone likes this, so what does your W have to say about this today? Maybe on Friday you try the gentle approach and see how she responds to that?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Tony Conrad said:


> My wife is what is known as vanilla but she would never take control. We have an ordinary marriage as I said but she does this one thing to please me because I ask. It's not arranged that I am in control I just sort of am.
> 
> You have obviously got way into this thing FeministicInPink but I am talking about an ordinary marriage. I'm not interested in the bdsm scene, just relationships in marriage.


Oh, I'm not trying to recruit 

Just sharing a perspective. 

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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Lon said:


> I think it is great you are willing to experiment and even more so that you are giving your partner's feelings some thought so you can work out what's best for both of you. If you didn't try something new you would never know if you are missing out on something one of you would like. and FWIW I know some women do enjoy a "little" soreness (not pain but just tenderness) to remind them of the intimacy the night before - of course not everyone likes this, so what does your W have to say about this today? Maybe on Friday you try the gentle approach and see how she responds to that?


According to her I toned it way down last night.
I personally did not feel like I did anything different than before.

I did ease into the foreplay more slowly, but the end result was the same.

Sex with my wife is a moving target. As soon as I think I've got it all figured out, something will cause the target to move again. Sometimes she wants to be f$cked and other times she wants it long and slow. As to figuring out what she wants ahead of time, not even Nostradamus could figure that one out.
It's all a product of life circumstances. 

No matter what, I have been trying to introduce something different every time. Just last night we stopped and talked for awhile while I was still inside her and neither of us had yet had an orgasm. You may say, "what's the big deal with that?" It's not a big deal, just different. Different, in my book, is good. It changes things up and opens doors you never thought could open.

She likes aggression and dominance in bed, but only when the circumstances call for it. I must be able to read her mind and know.

In general, if I start out slow and ramp it up slowly, she gets what she wants and I inevitable get what I want too.

My wife is a running white tail deer during rut. Even though we have been married for 25 years, I still must play the game. I don't think that will ever end. Some may say it's stupid and pointless. I honestly don't know. In the end, I have to say, it is kind of fun playing.

She is definitely a challenge:grin2:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If she wasn't a challenge, you'd be bored. Better this than the other 

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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> If she wasn't a challenge, you'd be bored. Better this than the other
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I often wonder about that very thing. When we were first married she was always initiating and I was the one who was always tired or put it off. (need slap in the head emoji here)
As time went by, being the proud women she is, she stopped initiating. Then the tables turned and I wanted sex more than she did. The more she declined, the more I wanted.

I think we have reached a good balance at this point. In fact, sex is much more satisfying now than 25 years ago. Who da thunk it!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Well, maybe you wouldn't be bored. But you would have a very different sex life than you do.

My point was that sometimes familiarity breeds complacency and contempt. Not for everyone. It depends how the two individuals handle that familiarity.

Sometimes, with that familiarity comes the assumptions that there is nothing new to learn about the other person--or they stop trying, or they stop really seeing the other person. That's where the complacency and contempt sneaks in.

But if you (general you, not you specifically, OP) can remember that you're dealing with a unique individual with ever-evolving needs and desires, who is growing and changing over time in the same way you are, you realize that there are always new things to learn and discover about your partner, and there are still many things that you can learn and discover together.

If you can appreciate this about one another, it's no surprise to me that the sex is better than it was 25 years ago 

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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

UMP said:


> I think we have reached a good balance at this point. In fact, sex is much more satisfying now than 25 years ago. Who da thunk it!


The older I get, the stronger it gets:smile2: Despite men saying the women don't communicate, the women do communicate. You've got to do like a skilled cowboy does. He watches and reads how the herd moves and acts accordingly. You don't get so involved with yourself that you fail to watch her body language and facial expressions. With a little practice, you know if you're treating her right. 
Remember, they sometimes communicate the best when they say nothing at all.


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