# Feeling very guilty about leaving kids this weekend... :(



## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I’m definitely feeling low this morning. I’m feeling “guilty” about leaving my kids this weekend.

This upcoming weekend is supposed to be my weekend with the kids. I am going out-of-town, however, and they are going up north with my ex to spend the weekend at her parent’s place.

For those of you who might have read my story – the situation with my ex is not good.

We do have a 50/50 split. I get them every Tuesday and Thursday and she gets them every Monday and Wednesday and then we alternate weekends.

I go to the Indy 500 every year with my dad. It is something we have done together since I was 6.

I would love to have started to bring my son, but the circumstances of the past couple of years have made that very tough. It is my plan to bring him next year.

I very seldom (as in pretty much never) do anything without them. The kids come first all of the time. I don’t resent them for that. It is my choice.

I know it is probably good for me to go and do something to try and relax. The tension and stress get to be almost unbearable most of the time.

I’m just really feeling bad about it. I hate that I feel “guilty” about doing something for myself. I feel like I’m letting them down because I won’t be there for them and I know how much they look forward to when we get to spend the entire weekend together.

I know they will have fun up north. I know that in reality it is just basically two days. I know I have given up so much for them (again – I always gladly do it).

I won’t make plans on Tuesday or Thursday nights unless I can bring the kids. Likewise, I would never make plans on one of my weekends unless it included them.

This will probably be the only exception to that rule for the entire year.

I just feel so crummy about it. This weekend has been haunting me for months. I tried not to think about it too much, but now it is here.

The sad thing is that I used to look forward to going to Indy all year long. It was the highlight of my year. I don’t feel that joy these days.

I do want to go. I will have fun. I will get to relax a little bit. I will get to spend some quality time with my dad.

I also worry that the kids and I have become mutually co-dependent to some degree. I just feel like my time with them is so priceless. 

I wish I knew how to allow myself to have my own life, but not feel like I’m letting my kids down.

This weekend will be the exception to the coming year. Like I said, I never make plans during my time with the kids.

Any advice on being able to do my own thing now and then without feeling like I’m letting my kids down? Am I being a bad dad for choosing to do something for myself? 

I just never thought this would be my life (did any of us) and I’m having to learn so much of it as I go along. I really appreciate any advice and any thoughts.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Advice on how to stop feeling like you are letting your kids down? Stop assuming you are letting them down. How is that?
I have some news for you, and I say this as a parent of two grown children. Your kids? They don't want you hovering over them 24/7. They want to learn things on their own. They want to discover the world themselves. They want to become their own person. If you truly want to not let them down - assist them in this effort. Show them, it is OK to have a life of your own. Do things for yourself, become your own person. 
You said it yourself, you are afraid you and your children are coming co-dependent. Here is a chance to break that cycle. Go have fun AND allow them to go have fun. 
Teach your children to become independent self-sufficient adults, not co-dependent.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oooo, you're experiencing mommy guilt!!!! I know ALL about that.

The best way to get over mommy guilt is practice. Sounds like you're just starting out doing the whole 50-50 split thing. This is not the first time you're going to have to switch things up, you know. It WILL get easier each time. Wait till you get a girlfriend and want to switch up the nights you have them just so you can finally have sex. talk about GUILT.

Are you part of any type of divorce care group? I was in a couple when I first became a single mom and they were a LIFESAVER. It really really helps to talk to other people going through the same thing, and tell each other that you're allowed to have a life! Because you really are, you know. I had to be told a zillion times that it was OK for me to have a bubble bath or a night out without my kids and have a babysitter over - I would have gone nuts without those breaks. And I refused to allow my ex to make me feel guilty for 'babysitting' as he called it. Who the **** has to 'babysit' their own kids anyway?


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

We've been doing the 50-50 split thing since late-2015. It has been especially rough because their domestic situation with my ex is not ideal. I feel an extra burden because I feel like I need to be their "safe" place: the home they can be in without anxiety...the home where they can feel unconditional love and attention.

I know how much they look forward to my weekend: they talk about it constantly: "Daddy, are we with you this weekend?" and so on. When I say no - they get upset.

It helps that they will be going up north and spending the weekend with their grandparents - so they won't just be stuck at home with the ex and her cretin boyfriend.

I know I need to take care of myself. I wear myself down on all fronts trying to be the best dad I can be. I feel like I have to carry more of the parenting burden than I should.

I know I will have fun this weekend. I know I need to have fun this weekend. I know this is something that truly will get easier with practice and right now I kind of need to force myself to get out and do it.

I just feel like every moment with them is priceless. This has been the hardest thing about getting divorced: not having my kids around every single day. I hate it. I love being a parent...and because I don't have them all of the time...the moments I do have them mean so much.

If only the race was last weekend (or next weekend) and then it would have been her weekend...but alas...it is this weekend.

Thanks for the advice. It is all much appreciated.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I also think (and maybe I'm paranoid)...but I feel like this is something she (and he) will use against me. The kids have asked a few questions about me going away. They are definitely the kind of people who would tell the kids that I'm ditching them and that I don't care as much about them as they do.

I know my kids. I know how much they love me...but it does unsettle me.

How do I change the narrative with the kids? We've talked about it. I've told them I feel bad that I will be going away this weekend, but that I know they will have fun up north. 

Everything is just so much harder when you have to deal with a toxic co-parent...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Couldn't you have traded weekends with the ex? Or how about if your mom is still alive leave the kids in her care for the day while you hang out with your dad? Or a brother/sister so the kids could hang with family? Just throwing out options.

In the grand scheme of life a weekend away isn't going to hurt them, probably hurts you more than them.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I thought about asking her to trade - would have been maybe 50/50 whether or not she would have done it. She does not go out of her way to be very helpful/understanding. Besides, I think she sees this as a "trade" for a weekend in June where she'll let me have them on her weekend so we can go to Florida.

I'm going to be gone tomorrow morning through Monday. We have mutual right of first refusal if we're going to be gone overnight - so I kind of have to offer them to her before I would offer to my mom or sisters.

You're right - in the grand scheme of things - a weekend isn't that big of a deal - especially when I consider that since last year's race - I've only had to give up 2 nights - and that was because of work.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The way to make sure your kids don't think ill of you is to make ABSOLUTELY SURE you never speak ill of your ex or her SO or anything they do. Even if they do the ****tiest things in the world, you can NOT **** talk them to your kids. Let your kids decide if what you do is wrong - they will know it isn't. And if your ex talks down about you to them, it's only going to make HER look like the bad guy.

I know how hard that is to do - BELIEVE ME I know - but now that my kids are grown they know who sacrificed for them while they were growing up, despite the fact my ex was a total 'fun' dad. When he bothered to be a dad at all. They know, and they knew as it was happening too. They might SAY that 'you're no fun' or 'you're just mean, mommy isn't mean!!' or that you 'abandoned' them, but they know.

You have to keep the long game in mind. Just like you do about everything else that has to do with parenting. It's the same reason you don't give them what they want for dinner all the time. YOU know what's best and ultimately they will too. Hang in there.

You didn't answer my question about a group - have you ever looked into that at all?


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I am not a member of a group - but I need to find one. I will look into it when I get back next week. I agree - it sounds like a very good idea for a lot of reasons.

Good advice on being the better person - and it is something I always try to do. I never say anything bad about my ex in front of the kids and I've actually chided them when they have. I try to reinforce the fact that their mom loves them.

They will figure it out for themselves as they get older and make their own decisions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are they?

As for the guilt, there's a great book for that, an easy read. It talks about a marriage, but its message is just as valid for a divorcee. Talks about how you have your priorities and, as long as you're meeting your priorities, you SHOULD be having time for yourself. That, in fact, it's good for the other people in your life that you have time for yourself.
Hold on to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men by Wayne M. Levine, Paperback | Barnes & Noble®


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Surfer Joe said:


> I’m definitely feeling low this morning. I’m feeling “guilty” about leaving my kids this weekend.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Mother in the exact same situation here! I too have 50/50 with my kids although I usually have them more. Even though I take them on their fathers days a lot, I still feel super guilty taking a day or two off. Do it. Trust me, just have a great time, they will be busy and having fun. Don't feel guilty. My daughter is turning 15 and tells me that there is no need to feel that way she doesn't ever resent me for it, and neither do the younger two. Especially if they r off doing something special too! Give yourself this time, u only have so long with your dad and this is your tradition. U will miss it when he is no longer here!


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Surfer Joe said:


> We've been doing the 50-50 split thing since late-2015. It has been especially rough because their domestic situation with my ex is not ideal. I feel an extra burden because I feel like I need to be their "safe" place: the home they can be in without anxiety...the home where they can feel unconditional love and attention.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am my kids safe place too. Their dads a low life and his gf is psycho. So my kids would rather never see them! But like u said they will be up with grandparents, they will have fun! I went on a cruise and planned it around my kids going on a trip with their dad and grandmother to Hilton Head. I had a blast, relaxed, got silly drunk with my MIL and the kids had just as much fun. Plan a trip with the kids and get some extra time that way, summer break coming up! I took the kids to Cancun last year, along with my husband, my dad, and my mil (they r actually dating hella long story lol) and it was amazing. Go camping even! I know a trip like mine was $$$$ to say the least but the kids will have fun doing anything spending time with u. Bottom line, u need this time, they r going to have fun, and u can make up the time with something special in the future. 


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> How old are they?
> 
> As for the guilt, there's a great book for that, an easy read. It talks about a marriage, but its message is just as valid for a divorcee. Talks about how you have your priorities and, as long as you're meeting your priorities, you SHOULD be having time for yourself. That, in fact, it's good for the other people in your life that you have time for yourself.
> Hold on to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men by Wayne M. Levine, Paperback | Barnes & Noble®


My son turned 7 in February and my daughter will by 5 in July.

Looks like a good book. I'll check it out.

I definitely feel like I'm meeting my priorities (as best I can - as a single dad I often feel like I'm barely keeping things going).


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Surfer Joe said:


> My son turned 7 in February and my daughter will by 5 in July.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Well from my view, u r an exceptional father. Ur kids are of the upmost importance and giving away any time at all upsets u. I'd kill for my ex to feel that way!


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Remee81 said:


> I am my kids safe place too. Their dads a low life and his gf is psycho. So my kids would rather never see them! But like u said they will be up with grandparents, they will have fun! I went on a cruise and planned it around my kids going on a trip with their dad and grandmother to Hilton Head. I had a blast, relaxed, got silly drunk with my MIL and the kids had just as much fun. Plan a trip with the kids and get some extra time that way, summer break coming up! I took the kids to Cancun last year, along with my husband, my dad, and my mil (they r actually dating hella long story lol) and it was amazing. Go camping even! I know a trip like mine was $$$$ to say the least but the kids will have fun doing anything spending time with u. Bottom line, u need this time, they r going to have fun, and u can make up the time with something special in the future.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We're going to Florida in the middle of June. Nothing too fancy...but first real vacation since their mom and I split up. It will be fun. I think this weekend will be okay - it is the build up that is tough - thinking about missing them and everything...but once I jump in and just go with it - it will be over before I know it and life will be back to normal...or whatever "normal" actually is these days!? :smile2:


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Surfer Joe said:


> We're going to Florida in the middle of June. Nothing too fancy...but first real vacation since their mom and I split up. It will be fun. I think this weekend will be okay - it is the build up that is tough - thinking about missing them and everything...but once I jump in and just go with it - it will be over before I know it and life will be back to normal...or whatever "normal" actually is these days!? :smile2:




Yay! There u go!!! I hope u have a blast with ur dad, and the vacation with the kids doesn't need to be fancy, the beach, a pool, and u will have them thrilled!


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I’ll have them tonight. They obviously know I’m going away. We’ve talked about it. I would like to mention it again.

I just feel like I need to be careful about how I approach it with them. I think if I use a lot of: “I feel really bad” or “I really hate leaving you guys” that it could turn the experience negative in their minds.

I’d like to be able to tell them that I will miss them and that it is hard to not be with them, but that it will be okay and that they will have fun and that I’ll see them on Tuesday.

I want to part with good vibes. I do want them to feel okay to express any concerns they might have, but I don’t want to create concerns that are not already there.

It is a learning process for all of us. I have to learn how to take time for myself and they have to learn to be okay with me doing that.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"Up north", often pronounced "upnort" in Wisconsin. Ha ha. You have to be from there to understand.

Fellow cheese head greetings.

I still visit my relatives in Milwaukee, especially my Mom. When they are gone they are gone.

Be positive. Tell your kids how happy you are to spend time with your father.

Help them to understand that as much as they love you (and you them) that's what your dad means to you.

Children don't often connect those dots.

"He means so much to me, and he wont always be there to visit".

I'm betting they will be happy for you and will look forward to your report.

Let them know you will tell them all about it when you get back.

Oh and if you a chance have a brat and some curds for me.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Decorum said:


> "Up north", often pronounced "upnort" in Wisconsin. Ha ha. You have to be from there to understand.
> 
> Fellow cheese head greetings.
> 
> ...


Ha, ha! That is how I hear "Up North" whenever I type it!

Good points. That is how I will discuss it with them tonight. 

Funny/ironic, I guess. I'm anxious about leaving my kids this weekend and about how they'll feel about missing out on a weekend with "their" dad...and I'm off to spend a weekend with mine. It still means a lot to me to be able to do this.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Surfer Joe said:


> It still means a lot to me to be able to do this.


Of course it does. My dad passed away far to young. He was 47, I was in my 20's. I'm 58 now.

What I wouldn't give to spend one more day fishing with him on Lake Namekagon (Bayfield County).

Spending time together with your parents, your dad wants it and you will to when you are his age.

You are setting the right example.

Btw I lived in Indy for 20 years, raised our 4 children there, always avoided the race, but I never miss a chance to go to the lake front for Summer Fest if I am in Mikwaukee (aka mawakee). I miss the State fair, and the blue top church greek festival, ahhh good times.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Surfer Joe said:


> I’ll have them tonight. They obviously know I’m going away. We’ve talked about it. I would like to mention it again.


Remember that kids decide what's important based on what YOU say (or act like) is important. If they see you putting a ton of emphasis on this weekend, they won't know why, but they will, too. So don't make a big deal out of it, ok? There are going to be PLENTY of times where you won't be able to hang out with them, and it's better for them, healthier, if they see that such things happen and it's no big deal and it has no bearing on whether they're loved or wanted.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If anything, your kids will learn that YOUR time with YOUR dad is important and precious. Like your tradition (annual trip to the Indy), you can have your own tradition with your kids and they will be able to relate to it as quality time with dad they can look up to each year. 

Just pass the tradition on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Surfer Joe said:


> Any advice on being able to do my own thing now and then without feeling like I’m letting my kids down? Am I being a bad dad for choosing to do something for myself?


You will be a better parent when you take care of yourself. When you get back from this trip you will have stories to tell the kids, which will demonstrate a lot of positive things to the kids about being an independent adult and having passions. You are spending time with your father, which is also a great example. The kids know you are dedicated to them, so they are not going to feel abandoned by you for this weekend.

You will come back energized and refreshed. This will improve your parenting.

You are continuing a family tradition. I expect in the distant future you'll be the old man going to Indy with your adult son, and he'll be excited to be there with you! This year is the 50th anniversary family summer beach vacation with my kids and grandkids. Fifty years ago I was the little kid eating ice cream, now I get to have a great time being the old man taking them to the ice cream shop.

Taking time off once in a while like this weekend is good for you and good for your kids.

I hope you have a great time at Indy!


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Thank you all for the good thoughts and advice.

The weekend was good. I had fun. I enjoyed myself. I did not allow myself to obsess about not having the kids or to feel guilty about going away and leaving them.

I didn't really talk to the kids about it on Thursday night - I let them "decide" where the evening and the conversation went. They were excited to go up north.

It was a bit hard coming home on Monday. Never much fun coming home to an empty house. I was worn out, however - and I found ways to keep myself busy - even if I felt very restless.

I will pick them up after school today - and that will be a very good thing. The one thing I kind of dread is hearing stories about their weekend - not because I'm not overjoyed that they had a good time - but it makes me sad. I guess it is a reminder of part of my life that has been lost - I used to go up north with them...heck...I can close my eyes and smell and hear and feel what it was like to be up there. It was one of my favorite places in the world.

I definitely want them to feel like they can always tell me anything and I know they will want to share their experiences - but I'm also a little afraid of how sad it might make me.

Ugh. This just never, ever seems to be easy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Surfer Joe said:


> Thank you all for the good thoughts and advice.
> 
> The weekend was good. I had fun. I enjoyed myself. I did not allow myself to obsess about not having the kids or to feel guilty about going away and leaving them.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your honesty, Joe.

So sorry for all the pain, though.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I’m finding myself struggling in a similar – yet – different way this week. Last week, I was feeling sad about leaving my kids for the weekend.

This week I’m really struggling with the fact that I won’t have them this weekend. My ex and I alternate weekends and I had to give up one of my weekends last week. 

This will be the 3rd weekend in a row that I have not had them. The last weekend I did have them, I only had them half of the weekend because Sunday was Mother’s Day.

I’ve spent so little time with them and I really, really miss them.

I just need life to resume its regular schedule.

I do have my trip to Florida coming up with them at the end of June – which means I will have an entire week with them. That kind of makes up for this rough patch right now.

I think this is the hardest part of getting divorced: being apart from your children. It really is hard. It hurts not being able to see them every day. So many people don’t get how hard it is. I feel like they take it for granted that they get to see their kids all the time. I’m not angry or even jealous, but I hope they truly appreciate how blessed they are.

I do have them tonight…but it is going to be a crazy night. I have to rush home from work to pick my son up from school. Then we have to rush to get my daughter from 4K. Then we have to rush to my son’s Cub Scout den meeting and then we have to rush home for his baseball game.

Honestly, I’d rather just spend time with them – and I will be spending time with them. I’ll be at the den meeting and I’ll be coaching his baseball game…but it isn’t the same as playing in the yard and walking to the library.

Guess I’m just feeling blue. It makes me anxious and sad. 

I just have to put my head down and plow through the weekend like I normally would do. I have to stay busy. I have to try and recharge if I can. I have to try and have fun.

I wish things were easier, but I can’t allow myself to lose sight of everything I have. I’m thankful that I get them as much as I do. I’m grateful for every moment.


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