# Forever wearing the Scarlett Letter



## SWEET NENA (Aug 17, 2011)

I cheated on my husband of 7 years, in our own home. We separated. Lost our house. He filed for divorce. He still came around cause we have a son. So the 3 of us went out together often to keep my son happy, he was 3 at the time. One day i asked if he could ever forgive me. So he tried. We were together on and off. In one of our "On" moments (& even though we were both careful), i got pregnant again. (God has a way of doing things) I kept begging for him to drop the divorce. Especially with a new kid coming. I offered counseling, a new church, books, anything!!! He refused. It was his way of mending his ego. There was no way he could let me get away with this. I believe it was his punishment for me. He Said the only way we'd be back together is if the divorce went on. I was so vulnerable and felt so ashamed that i agreed to anything as long as I got him back. I pleaded, got on my knees,(literally) asked for forgiveness. But his attacks became too frequent. By attacks meaning, Yelling at the top of his lungs, called me all kinds of names, vented all his anger out at me, told me I deserved to die, i was the worse mother...... You know the typical things hurt men say. I took alot. I felt i deserved it for hurting him. But then I reached my limit & I started having BAD anxiety attacks. I had got on meds for depression & sleeping pills (pre-pregnancy). But now being pregnant I couldn't take anything & didn't know how to handle it anymore. Went to counseling by myself. It helped me but on his end, he was still angry and bitter and taking his frustrations out on me on the daily. So one can take only so much abuse. After all his yelling and my attacks, still going on during my pregnancy i hit the lowest low.... I wanted to kill myself with my daughter inside me. Thank GOD, His voice came into my head and I never went through with it. But then that's when I decided that I had to let him go. I made a huge mistake but I'm NOT an evil person. I couldn't live like this my whole life. I needed to take care of myself my son and new baby coming. So I told him to leave me alone. We were legally divorced by then, I was bout 20 weeks pregnant. (1/2 way) So 3 weeks with almost no contact with him went by. the worse 3 weeks of my life. But I kept on with my therapy and started to breath a little more each day. When one day he comes around again. This time he never left. I think by standing my ground and accepting my errors i became a bit stronger again. We've been together ever since. It took a while but we are getting to a new kind of happy. The thing is.... it's been 2 years now. My daughter is now a year old. We fight rarely cause i really learned to pick and choose my fights. I feel like I swallow my pride ALOT on little things here and there. But I refuse to let him step on me or belittle me anymore. He made the decision to take me back with all my faults so I feel he needs to own up to it. There are times when we fight about typical things and the affair still resurfaces. Even if it has nothing to do with our little fight. This is when I tell him, "am I forever gonna wear the scarlett letter???" I feel he needs counseling or at least to vent to a friend or something. But he won't. He carries his anger, memories...everything inside him. I do EVERYTHING I can to try to get him to see me transparently. I don't like upsetting him or giving him reason to be mad. But I feel lost when he brings it up & treats me unfairly. What can I do?? I'm VERY overly sympathetic to his hurt. I just feel he goes really over board with it. I haven't gone out with friends, emailed, nothing. I've been invisible for 2 years. Now I kinda want to come back to rejoin the living. But he's making it too hard. How do I live my life & keep him happy??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Forgive!
He has not took the healthy steps to heal......with love comes forgiveness!


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

I am a BS of a 7 week EA my H had with an old girlfriend. She found him on FB. We are 1 year out today! I forgave him the night he told me; have not, can not forget it all. We have taken steps to learn from it all; I never tried to punish him. He has had enough pain over what he did to me and himself. I love him so much; I believed he was/is truly sorry he hurt me. Everyone has their own story, but he knows how much I love him because of the way I handled it all. I still have anger, but I don't take it out on him, not productive. I vent some; he always listens and let's me talk when I need to. I know he gets tired of the same questions, but he never shows it. It gets better everyday; we have a stronger bond! He needs to forgive you, if he can, and then take steps to heal and move forward. You will both destruct if he continues to "punish" you. I have really tried to put myself in my H's shoes; could I have gotten pulled in- maybe so. For me, his actions after d-day have showed me he knows he f'd- up. I know he will always have a scar because of his actions, as will I. We are helping each other heal- united to make our marriage thrive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SN,

What is forgiveness?

For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.

But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.

People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.

But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to *make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.*

I divorced my wife not because I could not forgive her for her affair nor because I no longer loved her, but because at the time it was necessary for me to do so in order to emotionally and psychologically heal myself. And yes, I did forgive her because I subscribe to the latter definition of forgiveness.

Please consider talking with your husband about what I've said. Hopefully he will be intrigued enough to explore this definition of forgiveness and eventually embrace it, for HIS benefit not yours.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nena--he will never forget what you did. It will always be a black cloud for him. You inflicted possibly one of the worst pains you can inflict on another. He DOES need to stop punishing you daily for it. Like you said, you have done a lot to make things right on your end, including "going dark" for nearly two years, offered MC, etc. 

If he won't stop doing these behaviors, you will have to decide whether you want to remain with him or not. 

You did end contact with OM right? Did you guys end up divorcing? Please explain.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> I divorced my wife not because I could not forgive her for her affair nor because I no longer loved her, but because at the time it was necessary for me to do so in order to emotionally and psychologically heal myself. And yes, I did forgive her because I subscribe to the latter definition of forgiveness.


I respect you for this. You knew the relationship wouldn't have worked for you again, so you terminated it. That is very commendable vs. someone who gets caught up in a very unhealthy dynamic only to find it does more damage than good.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

It's quite possible my marriage ends like Mori's. So much damage has been done, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to look past it. I do see the ability to forgive, and I will stay connected to my WW forever since we have children together, but it may be time to move on. I'm going to give it 3 more months though, as my emotions are still all over the place (D-Day was < 3 months ago). 

I'm strong enough to move on . . . with or without her at this point. There is no fear with either path I choose to take. For the first time in this relationship, I feel free to really let my heart decide on where it wants to be.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I think you will forever wear the scarlett A with your husband. In time, it will fade into a barely noticeable scar, but it's just that...a scar. A scar is forever. There will come a time when the pain subsides, but the reminder will remain forever.

Your husband does need to stop being so hard on you. I understand his pain as I am a BS myself. I wish my ex H would have been sorry and remorseful for what he did. But, he never was or did I think he ever will be.

I see that you are truly sorry for what you did, and I hope all works out for you and your husband.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

No offence....but this Scarlett A will be with you forever. Both for you and your husband. This happens when you choose to do something that can never be taken back.

At the same time....your husband needs to be mindful that his actions and words may also turn out to be something that he cannot take back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

You tore a hole in your husband's soul that will never fully heal. that sounds dramatic, I know, but it's true. There will always be reminders of it for him , like walking into your bedroom, or wherever it happened. You made a stupid decision in doing that, for whatever the reason, but I'm sure you made that decision without considering the full extent of the repercussions you would face.
It does seem unfair for him to punish you forever. I 'll bet youd just be happy for it to all go away. I had an EA 14 years ago that my wife was certain was a PA no matter how much I denied it, and no matter how hard I worked to show her I was trustworthy and honest. I spent 14 years making it up to her. Then she had a EA/PA with a guy she works with. Then she left. He stayed with his wife, and she isn't as happy as she thought she'd be. That's tough cookies for her. I could care less about her happiness anymore. I'm sorry, but that's the long and short of it.
If you and your husband are able to make it work, that's great. I'm happy for you. My advice to you is to seek joint and individual counseling to deal with the fallout. Maybe you can learn to deal with your guilt as he learns to deal with his pain.

Best of luck to both of you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The 2 of you have chosen to be together, probably for your kids, as much as any other reason

You cheated, have worn your guilt, shame, shown remorse, contriteness----it is over and done---stop being his slave/prisoner, and stand up for yourself

Join the human race, if you stay with your XH---then, you should make sure you do not associate with men who will cause your relationship a problem, that DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN'T ASSOCIATE, AND BE FRIENDLY WITH OTHER PEOPLE

Your H., decided to move back in with you, and continue the relationship---he needs to stop the abuse, and stop holding you as a prisoner, if you are to stay together.

If he can't treat you/allow you to live like a normal human being, then kids, or no kids, love or no love---your relationship needs to end

You do not need to spend the rest of your life in misery----the both of you need to sit down, and lay out some boundaries for how you will treat each other.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Yes, you will wear this scarlet letter forever. I know I'll wear mine forever. At times I feel like I deserve to be treated badly, at times I feel I deserve to be treated like a human being because I'm sorry for what I did and I have done everything and anything to make up for it and show that I'm trustworthy. Maybe it might take some more time for your H to bury his anger and move forward WITH you or for you to reach a point where you know the aforementioned will never happen and move forward WITHOUT H. I'm walking in your shoes, I know how it feels.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

I see what you mean by "resurrecting" dead threads mori.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

SWEET NENA said:


> I offered counseling, a new church, books, anything!!! He refused. It was his way of mending his ego. There was no way he could let me get away with this. I believe it was his punishment for me.


As an x-BS I can tell you those are NOT the reasons he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. He can't trust you and I'll be honest here, to look at you is to do so with disgust. Has nothing to do with punishing you or letting you get away with anything.

Mending his ego? Maybe a little bit of it is pride, but not as much as what I already said.




> He Said the only way we'd be back together is if the divorce went on. I was so vulnerable and felt so ashamed that i agreed to anything as long as I got him back. I pleaded, got on my knees,(literally) asked for forgiveness. But his attacks became too frequent. By attacks meaning, Yelling at the top of his lungs, called me all kinds of names, vented all his anger out at me, told me I deserved to die, i was the worse mother...... You know the typical things hurt men say.


Well, even I will say that the you "deserved to die" comment was too much over the top.
He shouldn't have said anything like that.




> So one can take only so much abuse. After all his yelling and my attacks, still going on during my pregnancy i hit the lowest low.... I wanted to kill myself with my daughter inside me. Thank GOD, His voice came into my head and I never went through with it. But then that's when I decided that I had to let him go. I made a huge mistake but I'm NOT an evil person. I couldn't live like this my whole life. I needed to take care of myself my son and new baby coming. So I told him to leave me alone. We were legally divorced by then, I was bout 20 weeks pregnant.


I will say that I don't understand his line of thinking. The last thing I wanted to do when going through the divorce and after was talk to my x-wife about anything other than dealings with our children.




> (1/2 way) So 3 weeks with almost no contact with him went by. the worse 3 weeks of my life. But I kept on with my therapy and started to breath a little more each day. When one day he comes around again. This time he never left. I think by standing my ground and accepting my errors i became a bit stronger again. We've been together ever since. It took a while but we are getting to a new kind of happy. The thing is.... it's been 2 years now. My daughter is now a year old. We fight rarely cause i really learned to pick and choose my fights. I feel like I swallow my pride ALOT on little things here and there.


And so did he to come back.




> But I refuse to let him step on me or belittle me anymore. He made the decision to take me back with all my faults so I feel he needs to own up to it.


I agree. But the "faults" you speak of, meaning the cheating, should be faults that you no longer have. If you still have those faults, he'd not be wise to have come back.

So has it been agreed to that you will not cheat again? Do you mean it? Does he understand this?




> There are times when we fight about typical things and the affair still resurfaces. Even if it has nothing to do with our little fight. This is when I tell him, "am I forever gonna wear the scarlett letter???"


I understand that you shouldn't have to be reminded of it.

But you have to understand, he will ALWAYS be reminded of it. No matter how good of a relationship you have in the future, you have exiled him with those thoughts. Only thing he can do is bottle them up if you don't like it I suppose, but how fair is that to him?




> feel he needs counseling or at least to vent to a friend or something. But he won't. He carries his anger, memories...everything inside him. I do EVERYTHING I can to try to get him to see me transparently. I don't like upsetting him or giving him reason to be mad. But I feel lost when he brings it up & treats me unfairly. What can I do??


Nothing. This is why they always say someone can forgive, but not forget. Its just something you have burdened him with that he will have to deal with in some way.

Before I divorced my wife, whenever her affair haunted me, I went to the gym and worked off my anger. I was still angry when I got home, but not as much and put that energy to at least some good use. But I didn't want my children to see it, and I didn't want her to see it either. But I didn't want her to see it because of pride. I didn't want her to think anything she could do would be significant enough to hurt me.




> I'm VERY overly sympathetic to his hurt. I just feel he goes really over board with it. I haven't gone out with friends, emailed, nothing. I've been invisible for 2 years. Now I kinda want to come back to rejoin the living. But he's making it too hard. How do I live my life & keep him happy??


Depends. What kind of life is it you are wanting? I can tell you that if I had stayed with my wife, I wouldn't stop her from living a life. But after she betrayed my trust, there would definitely be certain things that would be now unacceptable that I wouldn't have minded before her affairs. Like going out for drinks with "the girls", and definitely coming home at the wee hours of the morning.

Because I can tell you, if you go out to a bar or club with friends, he isn't going to like it, and understandably so.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> I see what you mean by "resurrecting" dead threads mori.


Yup, and my apologies. I didn't see the date myself, but saw it resurrected.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Having children in a broken marriage complicates things for everybody involved. Once hers were grown to adulthood, I felt my obligations toward her happiness were met, completely. My ex asked for forgiveness after two other relationships she was involved with failed.
I now live alone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

These old threads getting necro'ed is so annoying.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)




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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hehe. I like that gif, Mori  And your avatar is funny.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks Jelly I like it to and I think I'm going to use it again every time someone resurrects a dead thread.

Yeah the baby flipping people off is funny. She reminded me of my granddaughter at that age.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Thanks Jelly I like it to and I think I'm going to use it again every time someone resurrects a dead thread.


Do it!

LOL about your grandbaby!


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