# When to call time?



## StoppedWatch (Apr 10, 2011)

My husband suffers from clinical depression and it is creating a huge strain on our relationship.

We have been going to couples counselling but he is resisting taking the anti-depressants. He has a real problem with repressed rage and bitterness, which is what is at the root of his depression. His problems are a generational thing. His father was a wife beater and this caused the breakdown of DH parent's marriage. He has never really dealt with this IMHO.

I can't see him making any progress in his depression. He tries to 'act happy' but it isn't every convincing, and to be honest he can be downright nasty at the drop of the hat, to both me and the children, if he is in a bad mood and something (anything) happens.

I am sick and tired of walking on eggshells.

Recently he got a referral to a psychiatrist, at our counsellor's urging, but he hasn't yet made the appointment, even though I have asked him too. I have told him he needs it. I haven't said it is as many words but for me this is the Hail Mary pass. Either he deals with his ****, or I have to leave. I don't want to. I love him, but this is killing me emotionally and I worry about the effects his sarcasm and belittling is having on the kids.

When do I leave? How do I leave? Should I leave?


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Wanted to try and offer my $.02 StoppedWatch. I'm skeptical of anti-depressants. They did nothing to help the situation in my case, in fact I believe they made it worse. I'm not a doctor and can't say with certainty that they won't help everyone, but I have yet to see them do any long term good for anyone I know who takes them.

Is he aware of how close you are to leaving? Maybe he needs to know and if he cares enough, it might spark a fire under his behind to see that psychiatrist and help catch that "Hail Mary".  I'm not suggesting threatening, that might be counterproductive since he has anger issues but he needs to know you're at wit's end. Maybe just getting that off your chest will help YOU.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stoppedwatch, I've been where you are, my STBXH suffers from recurrent major depression/anxiety disorder. I got to the point where I said get help or I'm getting a divorce. He did nothing and I thought that was that. My primary care physician told me to make an appt. with a MC because he may not be able to make a call for help. I did. The MC asked what will it take for me to stay in the marriage. I said he had to get help, he had to take responsibility for his treatment, and I had to see effort. That did get him help. Do not assume that he understands at ALL how unhappy you are. You have to say "I am out of here if you don't get help." Of course since I'm saying my "STBXH" MC didn't help us in the end. Neither did his multiple affairs he started, but that's a different story.

I agree with JoeRockStar to a degree. Not every med will help everybody. My H started on one that did absolutely nothing-it may as well have been a tic-tac. But after about two months they found a combination that did help his symptoms. His depression became severe enough that he was having periods of psychosis and those have stopped.
Depression is a sadly selfish disease. The person suffering with it only sees himself, and his diseased mind cannot, will not, consider how anything they do or say will impact another individual. 
Best of luck to you and stay strong, this will not be easy.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

StoppedWatch said:


> He has a real problem with repressed rage and bitterness, which is what is at the root of his depression.


SW, repressed rage that has been carried deep inside since early childhood is one of the hallmarks of a person having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), ASPD (Antisocial Disorder), or NPD (Narcissistic PD). Because the anger is always there right under the surface, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE it. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of the anger already there.

Importantly, having only one such trait does not imply a person has a PD because other traits must be present also. Moreover, only a professional can determine whether the pattern of such traits is sufficiently severe to satisfy all the diagnostic criteria. You nonetheless can spot the red flags associated with those PDs by reading about them. You can spot very selfish and grandiose behavior, for example, without being able to diagnose NPD.


> His problems are a generational thing. His father was a wife beater.


Such physical abuse is strongly associated with all three of the PDs mentioned above. It is most strongly associated, however, with BPD. A recent Canadian study (pub. 2006) found a strong association between BPD and physical abuse. Specifically, it found that half of the wife batterers had full-blown BPD and nearly all of the others had another PD. See Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

If your H's father really does have BPD (or NPD or ASPD), your H might have inherited strong BPD traits either through genetics or from childhood abuse at the hands of his father. PDs are believed to be caused by genetics and/or childhood abuse or abandonment.


> He can be downright nasty at the drop of the hat, to both me and the children, if he is in a bad mood and something (anything) happens.


As I mentioned above, a man who is carrying enormous anger inside (from childhood) can be easily triggered -- in only ten seconds -- by any minor thing you say or do.


> I am sick and tired of walking on eggshells.


Significantly, the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> Recently he got a referral to a psychiatrist, at our counselor's urging, but he hasn't yet made the appointment, even though I have asked him too.


Of course, it is wise for you to encourage him to go. Yet, even if he does go to a psychiatrist, and even if the psych decides he has full-blown BPD, it is extremely unlikely the psych will tell him -- much less tell you -- the name of that disorder. As I've explained in many other threads, therapists are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of his disorder. 

I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two _by yourself_ -- and describe to him the dysfunctional behaviors you've been seeing in your H. Going to YOUR OWN therapist gives you the very best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion on whether your H has strong traits of BPD, NPD, or ASPD. Relying on your H's therapist for advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on his attorney's advice during a divorce. It is important to be advised by a therapist who is ethically bound to protect YOUR welfare, not that of your H.

I also suggest you read about BPD traits to determine whether you are seeing most of the red flags. That is easy to do because there is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and emotional instability. If you would like to read more, an easy place to start is my brief description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, SW.


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