# Men- is this normal?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I was out this weekend and at my local bookstore. I ran into an old boyfriend I dated when I first got divorced. It’s been over 10 years. Didn’t know he even lived in the same town. Anyways, we chatted a bit, and he knew something was up. He told me he and his gf lived together and things were pretty good. He didn’t elaborate. I told him that he was lucky- cause I’ve been on the dating scene for while and no luck. So he kept trying to get it out of me. So we sat down and talked. He asked me all kinds of questions-
How long did it last, why do you think he ended it, do you still talk to him or see him at work, etc 

I have to admit, I was a bit shocked as he was grilling me and I was appreciative but just shocked that he took time out to care/listen.

I always cared for him, and wanted to know what happened to him. But he didn’t look happy. Something just felt off. I had to get bs I home, so we hugged and he says- It was good talking with you. Same here I replied.

Then we went about our way.
Guess I needed to talk and he was there at the right time/place.

He was always nice. Guess I answered my question lol
He’s just that type that if someone needed help, he’s there to listen.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> I was out this weekend and at my local bookstore. I ran into an old boyfriend I dated when I first got divorced. It’s been over 10 years. Didn’t know he even lived in the same town. Anyways, we chatted a bit, and he knew something was up. He told me he and his gf lived together and things were pretty good. He didn’t elaborate. I told him that he was lucky- cause I’ve been on the dating scene for while and no luck. So he kept trying to get it out of me. So we sat down and talked. He asked me all kinds of questions-
> How long did it last, why do you think he ended it, do you still talk to him or see him at work, etc
> 
> I have to admit, I was a bit shocked as he was grilling me and I was appreciative but just shocked that he took time out to care/listen. *How long did what last? I thought he was the one living with his girlfriend? *
> ...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> He was always nice.
> He’s just that type that if someone needed help, he’s there to listen.


The old me is saying to expect a text, offering to “chat” within the next day or two. 
Accept it at your peril.
But that’s the old me. The new me is saying “what a nice guy”.>


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'd say he broke the Pence rule.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have always been like that, not that I have a romantic reason to engage in conversation but as a friend or caring acquaintance


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

So you think there’s a motive?
I guess I was thinking ok he’s being nice, but maybe not.

I didn’t even look at it any other way. But was asking cause he was all up in my business. But I told him what had transpired with me and the guy that just dumped me.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

In all honesty, it depends on what "type" of guy he is. There are so many ways that this could go. He could have sat you down and had a full conversation with you about your recent history, concerns, etc because he is a legitimately OK guy who takes interest in someone that used to be an important part of his life. On the flipside, he could be the player type, and sitting you down and asking you questions and getting to know all about you all over again with ulterior motives in the back of his mind. There really is no "normal" anymore, just many variations of reality.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Why would you be appreciative of an ex-boyfriend pumping you for information about why your dating life isn't going well?



Sue4473 said:


> ...he kept trying to get it out of me.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I was appreciative of his kind words and how he took the time to talk with me. He knows how to read me pretty well, so I didn’t want to bother him. That’s where the he was trying to get it out of me comes from.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> So you think there’s a motive?
> I guess I was thinking ok he’s being nice, but maybe not.
> 
> I didn’t even look at it any other way. But was asking cause he was all up in my business. But I told him what had transpired with me and the guy that just dumped me.


Perhaps, perhaps not. Either way, dwelling on it isn't going to do you any good. If he makes a move, address it then. If he doesn't, then no harm no foul.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

IF he makes a move Sue, you remind him that he's living with someone and that you don't date people who are living with someone. Then you stop communicating.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Oh for sure!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> I was appreciative of his kind words and how he took the time to talk with me. He knows how to read me pretty well, so I didn’t want to bother him. That’s where the he was trying to get it out of me comes from.


But let's get to the important stuff. Who's the better listener, and where has the best advice come from? Your ex bf or TAM?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

TAM of course! Lots of good advice


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, he cares...

He still likes you, that is why he 'pumped' your for answers.

He is the type that enjoys updates, maybe thinking about some future date.
He sized you up.

He sampled you once, likely you refreshed his fond memories.
Maybe he wants to come back for more?

Do what you want with this one, keep his GF in mind.



Lilith-


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Oh, he cares...
> 
> He still likes you, that is why he 'pumped' your for answers.
> 
> ...


 My take is he pumped her for info so he could figure out what angle to use to get busy with her again. Setting up his strategy. I also believe that his story he will likely spin will be utter BS player nonsense and hope her radar is up for this. Doesn't sound like it is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He may have felt sorry for you as you once dated and was being nice. My internal cynic however thinks he was keeping his options open in case things go south with the current GF and he needs a booty call. Men are usually not so worried about peoples emotions, me thinks.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He’s assessing your openness to his advances.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Yea maybe he was scoping me out. Ugh men. That explains why he didn’t elaborate on his relationship 
When I said oh you’re so lucky to have found your person.

He said nothing


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Don't tell me you're kinda... hoping for him ....somewhere.....somehow.....to text you and make you feel welcome into his lonely world.... because he sounded like he wasn't enjoying living with his current GF.

:|



I'm afraid you'll get disappointed again.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Nah I’m not engaging in anything lol


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Presuming the two of you cared about one another and the relationship didn't end poorly, the conversation doesn't surprise me at all. I've bumped into ex's and respectfully inquired about how things are going for them, and telling them it was nice to see them ... because it was the simple truth.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

But you're different. 













Deejo said:


> ...the conversation doesn't surprise me at all.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

LOL


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frusdil said:


> IF he makes a move Sue, you remind him that he's living with someone and that you don't date people who are living with someone. Then you stop communicating.


I'll go against the grain here; if he makes a move, see him or not, as you prefer, his described "gf" isn't your responsibility to worry about, it's his.

Now, if he truly has a gf, and he still hits on you, that tells you he's a schmuck right there.

So you know what kind if guy he is right there. 🙄

Or, he may be having gf issues and he's gathering data to help with info, to help him try to understand his gf and help work through present relationship difficulties. 

Or, he might be hitting on you, gathering info for future moves. This is typical truth but not always. 

If he doesn't have your current phone number and didn't ask for or otherwise ask if your number was the same, that's telling too.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Motive, is the key, and it just is not men. People always have their own interests first, that being said do not look to this meeting as a stepping stone for you. As most here one time or another has made wishful thinking, the green light towards something greater but it usually ends rather ugly. It's good we all come here for advice, it helps keep things in check. Look towards something greater for yourself than settling for something less.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> Yea maybe he was scoping me out. Ugh men.


So, you'd prefer men to be standoff-ish then?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

All of the scenarios in responses can be considered normal, just depends on where any particular guy's head is at the time.

Did you want him to be hitting on you?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Nope. Not when he’s involved. 
I don’t think of him like that nor do I want him to be like that.

It was just a curious thought 
It’s none of my business what goes on with his GF.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he doesn't have your current phone number and didn't ask for or otherwise ask if your number was the same, that's telling too.


...which means??? 


I'm curious about a guy's perspective here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If he doesn't have any way to contact her again other than another chance meeting, he really isn't trying to plan for future hook ups, or he's just really bad at it.

Kind of leans him away from the hitting on her unless he's got a way to call or text her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Did you and he exchange numbers? 

If you did, and he doesn't call you to follow up in the next week, then his motives were probably pure and he just wanted to be empathetic and give you a shoulder to cry on. Despite all the jaundiced hard-asses on this site, there are actually decent, well meaning guys out there. 

Then again, if he calls....


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

No we didn’t exchange numbers, but he could find me if he needed.
We live in the same town and he knows what I do- I started my job when I first met him so that hadn’t changed.

I genuinely like to think he was being just that- genuine, 
He was always a gentle giant, and yes there was a care on both sides.

Thank you bandit.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> No we didn’t exchange numbers, but he could find me if he needed.
> We live in the same town and he knows what I do- I started my job when I first met him so that hadn’t changed.
> 
> I genuinely like to think he was being just that- genuine,
> ...



Sooooo…..why wasn't he a keeper?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Yea maybe he was scoping me out. Ugh men. That explains why he didn’t elaborate on his relationship
> When I said oh you’re so lucky to have found your person.
> 
> He said nothing


My guess is he fibbed. He's not involved with anyone. 

He just doesn't want you to think he's a lonely pathetic loser. He's saving face, being stoic.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> Yea maybe he was scoping me out. Ugh men.



It's just natural because women are just easy suckers who don't know any better.
|
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See how stupid a *generalization* like that sounds. We all know that's not the case.
Sounds like your picker just picks the "ugh men". You should probably get that fixed.


.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And knowing where you work, is just like exchanging phone # just better for him so you will not call him first. 

He can be as bandit stated "He just doesn't want you to think he's a lonely pathetic loser. He's saving face, being stoic"


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> Yea maybe he was scoping me out. Ugh men. That explains why he didn’t elaborate on his relationship
> When I said oh you’re so lucky to have found your person.
> 
> He said nothing


Why shouldn't he if he still likes you? 
Obviously you liked the attention of a taken man... does that make you a creep?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

He was so intent on seeing what's up he didn't ask for your number, told you his relathionship was pretty good and he lived with his Gf.


Playa,Playa right there.lol.

Then again, it got you asking questions about his motives.........dun dun duuuuuuunnnnn.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Just bad timing. He had a bad divorce, and needed to heal. I was in the same boat. This is where timing sucked. Now we are older and maybe a tad wiser? Lol

Who knows if he’s involved or not. I guess time again will tell. 😊


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Dun Dun. Duuuuuuunnnnn. 🙄🙄🙄


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Within a week or so you will have your answer.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> ...which means???
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This guys perspective is that you’re all over analyzing it. 

He wants to bone her. 

To me it’s like, duh.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Marduk said:


> This guys perspective is that you’re all over analyzing it.
> 
> He wants to bone her.
> 
> To me it’s like, duh.


This. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> I was out this weekend and at my local bookstore. I ran into an old boyfriend I dated when I first got divorced. It’s been over 10 years. Didn’t know he even lived in the same town. Anyways, we chatted a bit, and he knew something was up. He told me he and his gf lived together and things were pretty good. He didn’t elaborate. I told him that he was lucky- cause I’ve been on the dating scene for while and no luck. So he kept trying to get it out of me. So we sat down and talked. He asked me all kinds of questions-
> How long did it last, why do you think he ended it, do you still talk to him or see him at work, etc
> 
> I have to admit, I was a bit shocked as he was grilling me and I was appreciative but just shocked that he took time out to care/listen.
> ...


he is also spoken for.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> Yea maybe he was scoping me out. Ugh men. That explains why he didn’t elaborate on his relationship
> When I said oh you’re so lucky to have found your person.
> 
> He said nothing


There are good men out there, I know many.I think he was just being kind.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Marduk said:


> This guys perspective is that you’re all over analyzing it.
> 
> He wants to bone her.
> 
> To me it’s like, duh.


Yup. The minute they sense a female is vulnerable (and I'm going to assume the OP appeared to be extremely vulnerable talking about about her last failed relationship), she instantly became *low hanging fruit* to him.

He doesn't need her number. He'll pop up on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or join a group she's a member of, or he'll show up on WhatsApp or Snapchat or LinkedIn, etc.. Or, he'll happen to be passing right by her office the same time she gets out of work, or he'll bump into her when she's food shopping at the grocery store, etc. etc.

It's pretty easy in today's world to track anyone down with a minimum of effort and make it look like it was a coincidence.

OP, I'm SURE he's got a story for you about how unhappy he really is. He'll tell you that he didn't share his story with you the day you ran into him because he felt *your* recent broken heart was much more important than bringing up his own unhappiness, don'tcha know. 

LOL. Damn, they are just so predictable.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yup. The minute they sense a female is vulnerable (and I'm going to assume the OP appeared to be extremely vulnerable talking about about her last failed relationship), she instantly became *low hanging fruit* to him.


I think you're still overthinking it. Or maybe I'm too simple.

If I'm single and see a hot girl I know that I want to sleep with, I'll hit on her.

For this guy, being single is an option.

That's it. Hot -> try to sleep with.

It's not that complicated.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Hi Sue - here is my opinion of the situation, as a male (in order of importance):

1) He is interested in you and assessed your availability. 

2) He wanted to know what to "fix" in his personal life (or hide...) before getting with you or other women in the future. This is a learning opportunity for him. He was also trying to learn more about you to see if you have any glaring problems, reasons to stay away from you. Thus, he grilled you. 

3) He cares for you at some level as a friend, or he needed to feel connected with someone at this level. 

If he didn't want to get with you again, he would have avoided you. He may be shy, like me, and therefore did not ask you for a phone number, as there is a chance of rejection, which some avoid like the plague due to insecurities. He might have wanted you to make some kind of hint or advance to see if he still has a shot or not. 

I wish you the best.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@DoesItGetBetter- I appreciate your advice and In I would tend to agree but he is taken. Living with his GF. I do think he has a care for me, yes.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Every guy wants to bone every good looking woman he comes across. That's a given. Doesn't mean he intends or tries to take steps to do so. 

He may be prowling Sue to see if she would be open to dating again... that is a distinct possibility. Or he may have just tried to be nice and empathetic to her, but has no intention of going down the same road with her again knowing it probably would never work. 

I lean towards the second scenario. 

All men are pigs, but we're not all pigs with agendas.


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