# I want to fix us



## slathgarner (Jun 13, 2015)

My girl has seemed a little bored lately and while I am at work she has been taking our 4 year old on day outings. I got a little upset when i got home and i didn't hear from her for a few hours. I gave her the silent treatment for most of the night till close to bedtime(I realize how childish that is). I told her that maybe if she likes to spend time alone she could go stay with her mother for a few days(again stupid). We then had a long conversation about our relationship, I told her i didn't know why i was being a child about it and should have just come out and said that I was upset. She told me that she hasn't been happy with us in awhile and things are going to have to change. A few things like me getting real angry and yelling at her when she does something i don't like. She says she is scared to tell me things because she is scared of me getting mad at her. She wants to go to school but we agreed that she would after i finish(i haven't been in a year)and she fears she will never go. I got real upset because i never thought we were having problems at all. I told her that i loved her and never want to break up, and if we do i would never get to see our child. She says of coarse you would, we would find a way. I told her that everything she said makes perfect since, and now i know what i need to do i will make it my top priority. I asked what she wanted, to stay together or break up. She told me she didn't know because it was too late to think and was too tired. The next day i texted her that i didn't want to pressure/rush her but i wanted to know if we were going to be okay. She said "I think so, lets see where it goes and we both have a lot to work on". Over the next few days we have been pretty normal except we are not sitting together and we don't cuddle in bed before sleeping like usual.(she has always been the one to come to me for cuddling stuff) 
I'm going to try my best to make her see she is my top priority and that i can fix everything she wants. Do I still have a chance? What else can i do? Should I be the one doing the cuddling and hand holding or does she need space? Should i ask if we should try marriage counseling?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

slathgarner said:


> My girl has seemed a little bored lately and while I am at work she has been taking our 4 year old on day outings. I got a little upset when i got home and i didn't hear from her for a few hours. I gave her the silent treatment for most of the night till close to bedtime(I realize how childish that is). I told her that maybe if she likes to spend time alone she could go stay with her mother for a few days(again stupid). We then had a long conversation about our relationship, I told her i didn't know why i was being a child about it and should have just come out and said that I was upset. She told me that she hasn't been happy with us in awhile and things are going to have to change. *A few things like me getting real angry and yelling at her when she does something i don't like. She says she is scared to tell me things because she is scared of me getting mad at her.* She wants to go to school but we agreed that she would after i finish(i haven't been in a year)and she fears she will never go. *I got real upset because i never thought we were having problems at all.* I told her that i loved her and never want to break up, and if we do i would never get to see our child. She says of coarse you would, we would find a way. I told her that everything she said makes perfect since, and now i know what i need to do i will make it my top priority. I asked what she wanted, to stay together or break up. She told me she didn't know because it was too late to think and was too tired. The next day i texted her that i didn't want to pressure/rush her but i wanted to know if we were going to be okay. She said "I think so, lets see where it goes and we both have a lot to work on". Over the next few days we have been pretty normal except we are not sitting together and we don't cuddle in bed before sleeping like usual.(she has always been the one to come to me for cuddling stuff)
> I'm going to try my best to make her see she is my top priority and that i can fix everything she wants. Do I still have a chance? What else can i do? Should I be the one doing the cuddling and hand holding or does she need space? Should i ask if we should try marriage counseling?


Instead of "fix us", which takes two, concentrate on "fix me". Start with any anger issues by attending anger management classes. Doing this she can't help but take notice that you really are serious to become a better man, not just for her and your child, but for you.

Make sure you spend plenty of time with your child. A child grows healthier and happier when BOTH parents are committed to her/his well being. Your child will benefit and so will you.

No matter what the outcome of your relationship, you will win if you commit to becoming a better man and father.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. Try to persuade her to do the same.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

Wow... you tell her "your life is on hold", regarding school, until you finish yours, but you haven't been in a YEAR. 

Good to know it's "all about you"... 

And if you NEVER go back, which it looks like? Well, she can always just "shut up or leave."

She just doesn't get to say what you don't want to hear. I think we all really know what the "top priority" is here; CONTROL.

Jeezus, I hope she wakes up soon, if she already hasn't.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your girl? Is she your wife? Fiace? Girlfriend? So what if she took your daughter out without keeping in touch with you? Are you that controlling? It sounds like you have a temper too. Fix yourself before you try to fix your relationship.


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## slathgarner (Jun 13, 2015)

*Need good advice*

Me and my fiancé have been having some small fights lately(mostly my fault), and it’s been a trying past few weeks.* *She has been real distance for a few months as well.* I did something I have never done before which was to look at her phone, and found out she has been talking to some guy.* I confronted her about it and she admitted that it was true.* She says all it has been is some texting/sexting and they kissed a few times,* for some reason I do believe her. We talked about what might happen in the future either way (together or not). She says she doesnt know want she wants and she will have to think about it. I really think we should move back to our home state where my family is and that would make it easier and give us a fresh start. I did tell her thats just my suggestion and i will wait to see what she decide she wants. How long do i need to give her? I need to know so i can start to forgive her and plan for my/our future. Its killling my not to know if we are staying together or not. Any other advice on what i should do would be great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

*Re: Need good advice*

"We just kissed"= We had sex. 

Texting/sexting= She is deep fog with OM

"Need to think about what I want"=String you along while she has fun with other guy. 

Your answer: I need to think about what "I" want. Going to move back closer to my family. 

Do not under any circumstances marry her. You need to get that ring back. 

Don't beg her to stay with you. Tell her you are not marrying a cheater. Say goodbye.

You're going about this the wrong way. You are basically giving her permission. You can't forgive her!! She messed up and needs to own this. 

A: Stop all contact with OM, tell you who he is. Phone is open anytime for you to check. If he/she contacts each other you are done. 

B: if she does not agree, you leave her. 

Again, if you marry this woman you are setting yourself up for trouble. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

*Re: Need good advice*

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Jerry123 said it all.

No need to say anything else and save yourself while you can.

Good luck.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

*Re: Need good advice*

If she wanted to work on your relationship she would have started to already. She's not into you anymore and you need to walk away. The fact that there is another man proves this.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Your other post offers some clues as to what is going on. There is another man and she is cheating. That's why she can't decide on what she wants. You need to decide what you want to do. But know that you can't fix anything on your own.

If she is in limbo over your relationship you need to walk away and do the 180.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Need good advice*

Lucky for you that she's revealing her true nature before you get married. And no, you don't wait to see what she wants, like some desperate, sad little boy (Pick me! Pick me!) Be the kind of strong, confident man who doesn't tolerate her behavior. Better to end it now than have to endure this stuff when you have kids and other investments.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Need good advice*

slathgarner, I had the same situation. Ring, wedding talk, fiance, yadda yadda, some other guy just kissing. Yadda yadda. Retrieved the ring and walked away never looking back. Best decision I ever made. 

Moving back to your old state will not change a thing except the PA will be much harder now that the OM she is only just kissing is a few states away. 

Run....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> Your other post offers some clues as to what is going on. There is another man and she is cheating. That's why she can't decide on what she wants. You need to decide what you want to do. But know that you can't fix anything on your own.
> 
> If she is in limbo over your relationship you need to walk away and do the 180.


Bingo. 

You could do cartwheels all day. She has a new interest. That is the problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Need good advice*

Your fiance is having an affair. 

It's highly doubtful that she has only "just" kissed the guy. Though does that really matter? 

The reason she says that she does not know what she wants is that the other guy has not asked her to marry him. So she's waiting until he does to dump you. Of course he probably never will. So you are the fallback guy. She would rather marry him. But if that does not work out, you will do.

You need to realize that this is an affair. She is seriously disrespecting you and cheating. 

Do you know who this guy is by the way?

You need to just pack up and move back to your home state. Just tell her that you are done and go. Your relationship is over. Thank goodness this happened before you married her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Need good advice*

How long have you known about her affair?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Re: Need good advice*

Oops, I see you have a child together. That makes it much more difficult. Sorry to hear you are in this mess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

slathgarner,

You have another thread. Between the two threads, it sounds like you are talking about two different relationships. Your fiance is having an affair. That's some important info you left off this thread. If you want useful input then keep your story on one thread. I'm going to combine your threads so that readers adn see the whole story.


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