# Wife is Sad Because We Can't Afford to Remodel Our Bathroom



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Last night my wife shared that she is feeling very sad. I asked her why and she said she is deeply saddened that we are not able to move forward with some bathroom remodeling she wants. I explained to her that the reason we don't proceed is because all our income is already spent on other things. She said she felt that this was an emergency and should be funded out of our savings. I disagreed, I said that I don't feel this situation rises to the level of an emergency.

Following, there was some minor dysfunctional communication on her part that we were able to work through. She then shared that she was depressed by the admittedly aged decorating in our bedroom.

As a loving husband, hearing my wife profess her sadness makes me want to take some sort of action to remedy the situation. But there is not much I can do here so I am content to let her own her feelings and try to be as sympathetic as possible.

Is there anything else I should be doing here?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I dont think so.
You have already expressed the priority here, your funds.
Its what you can live within.
A remodel, unless falling completely apart isnt of need and i think you expressed that well to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you do something minor to spruce it up? New paint, some new linens, bathroom decor?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Can you do something mino to spruce it up? New paint, some new linens, bathroom decor?


Sure I can. Painting gets me into a time budget that is tighter than our finances but linens are very doable.

Do you think I need to ask first or can I just buy them?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Of course, I don't know what YOUR bathroom looks like, but I can say, a nasty bathroom is a real downer.

Any improvement to the house is an investment so it's not a frivolous purchase like another pair of shoes.

I haven't been following your situation, but IF you were the WH, saying no due to finances would certainly get my antenna up.....that is, did you spend it on the OW. 

Hope you two can work out this difference.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sure I can. Painting gets me into a time budget that is tighter than our finances but linens are very doable.
> 
> Do you think I need to ask first or can I just buy them?


Don't try to 'fix' it. If you do ... I'd bet she isn't going to be happy with your solution.

Plan it. Make her responsible and accountable for it. Can she do that?

Set a budget for the remodel. If you already have one, then make a plan to get there.

Proceed in stages.

Give her a goal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Do you think I need to ask first or can I just buy them?


Ask her what she thinks. 

Does she work or are you the sole income earner?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Ask her what she thinks.
> 
> Does she work or are you the sole income earner?


I am the sole wage earner. Except to complain occasionally, she has never shared a thought or mention about things like linens since I have known her. For sure, what we have can be replaced but this has never been particularly important to me. If I should be driving a joint linens upgrade effort, I will put it on my list but I really don't have a feel about whether it will solve conflict or create more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well that is wy you should talk to her about it.

Say "I know you want to remodel our bathroom and I want to do that for us but right now it's not in the budget. How do you feel if we picked out some paint and got some new linens/bathroom decor?"


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a homemaker and usually when I get "depressed" about trivial things like the state of my living conditions it usually means something else deeper is bothering me. And there is nothing my husband can do to fix it. I have to process this on my own. All he needs to do is empathize with me and let it be.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i have to say she is behaving in kind of a bratty,spoiled way...just my opinion of course and I am not directly calling her bratty and spoiled,just her pouting/depression over an outdated bathroom is bratty and spoiled.
ESPECIALLY bc you're the sole breadwinner.Maybe she can work a few hours a week to put money into the bathroom remodeling fund??


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Don't try to 'fix' it. If you do ... I'd bet she isn't going to be happy with your solution.
> 
> Plan it. Make her responsible and accountable for it. Can she do that?
> 
> ...


Good advice Deejo. How do we get started? Can you give me examples of some goals I can articulate? We do not have a budget. We spend all our income and save nothing. We do have some savings currently earmarked for education and retirement


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a homemaker and usually when I get "depressed" about trivial things like the state of my living conditions it usually means something else deeper is bothering me. And there is nothing my husband can do to fix it. I have to process this on my own. All he needs to do is empathize with me and let it be.


This.

I would start saving for the remodel in a way that reminds her it's attainable. Like a jar on the kichen counter where she can see the money growing. I know you said you spend everything, but I'm sure you could cut back here and there to make the bathroom fund grow. Meanwhile, try to see if there's a bigger issue that this one is covering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Good advice Deejo. How do we get started? Can you give me examples of some goals I can articulate? We do not have a budget. We spend all our income and save nothing. We do have some savings currently earmarked for education and retirement


Spend some time determining what remodel is necessary (fixing bad plumbing, leaks, crumbling tiles and grout, etc.) and what is desirable (new vanity, new fixtures, etc.). Research how much each step would cost. Add up the numbers - that is how much you need.

Start a savings fund for the project. Watch it grow. When you have enough to pay for certain steps, you can start on those. Or wait until you have enough for a total re-do.

Ask your wife to do the research and determine a budget. Make her a part of this process, instead of you doing everything to plan. She'll understand why you can't afford it when she sees how the costs add up, and she'll be able to at least get a start on the fun part, which is picking out what she wants for the bathroom.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a homemaker and usually when I get "depressed" about trivial things like the state of my living conditions it usually means something else deeper is bothering me. And there is nothing my husband can do to fix it. I have to process this on my own. All he needs to do is empathize with me and let it be.


Absolutely. Our neighbors on both sides moved recently. The new people have come in with a bunch of contractors fixing up stuff all over the place. One new neighbor sold an inherited business and the other is an older couple with one adult child who sold a house they had lived in for 30 years. Contractors coming and going all day long on both sides, money flowing like water.

DW went to see her mom a couple days ago. MIL is always crying poverty, can't afford presents for the kids, doesn't have time to help with anything, DW always takes over prepared food and buys groceries. Now Mom is spending thousands on landscaping and fixing up her apartment.

Add this to a steady diet of home improvement shows and home sales shows and DW is in a serious funk.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

What exactly does she want done to "remodel"?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Meanwhile, try to see if there's a bigger issue that this one is covering.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my humble opinion, having your emotional buoyancy determined though unobtainable material wants is a slippery slope to climb. Issues all over the place with family of origin and previous relationships. What should I do?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

southern wife said:


> What exactly does she want done to "remodel"?


Gut the whole room, replace everything, reroute plumbing, ceramic tile ...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

norajane said:


> Spend some time determining what remodel is necessary (fixing bad plumbing, leaks, crumbling tiles and grout, etc.) and what is desirable (new vanity, new fixtures, etc.). Research how much each step would cost. Add up the numbers - that is how much you need.
> 
> Start a savings fund for the project. Watch it grow. When you have enough to pay for certain steps, you can start on those. Or wait until you have enough for a total re-do.
> 
> Ask your wife to do the research and determine a budget. Make her a part of this process, instead of you doing everything to plan. She'll understand why you can't afford it when she sees how the costs add up, and she'll be able to at least get a start on the fun part, which is picking out what she wants for the bathroom.


I like this a lot. Can I ask for a project plan and a savings plan and set a periodic schedule to review progress? Anything else I need to do other than be available for questions?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just a thought....maybe she can find a jjjjob and help pay for the remodeling that she thinks is needed.

is you bathroom functional?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i have to say she is behaving in kind of a bratty,spoiled way...just my opinion of course and I am not directly calling her bratty and spoiled,just her pouting/depression over an outdated bathroom is bratty and spoiled.
> ESPECIALLY bc you're the sole breadwinner.Maybe she can work a few hours a week to put money into the bathroom remodeling fund??


:iagree::iagree:

I would so grateful if we could even afford a home in the first place! 

Some wives always want more and then they wonder why their husbands are stressed out. My SIL is just like this and her husband is angry all the time. She wants a bigger house and a new baby at the same time-both of which cost a lot of money. Their house is beautiful with 3 bedrooms and they only have one child. This isn't enough for her.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> just a thought....maybe she can find a jjjjob and help pay for the remodeling that she thinks is needed.
> 
> is you bathroom functional?


Functions just fine. Some very minor leakage but I can't tell whether it is due to plumbing or being careless with water or a leak from outside or condensation.

Working for income is on the horizon. We have already spent several hundred dollars getting her qualified. Should she keep all her earnings for her project? Her outside commitments always have a distinct negative effect on our household and result in a lot being dumped on me that I don't really need. But that's another story, I want to be fair with her and her money.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I like this a lot. Can I ask for a project plan and a savings plan and set a periodic schedule to review progress? Anything else I need to do other than be available for questions?


I think agreeing on a project plan, budget, and savings plan together is vital. Also, working on this together (rather than making it entirely her project) could be fun for both of you. I don't know if she is on top of your finances, but your input and cooperation will be very helpful and (I think) is necessary.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> Some wives always want more and then they wonder why their husbands are stressed out. My SIL is just like this and her husband is angry all the time. She wants a bigger house and a new baby at the same time-both of which cost a lot of money. Their house is beautiful, but it isn't enough for her.


This is seems to be an epidemic these days. Luckily, I'm not stressed and I'm not angry and I wouldn't even mind adopting a fourth child. There are a lot of very convincing messages targeted at women out there recommending consuming and over-consuming.

Our neighbors on one side just moved because they couldn't fit their family of four in their old house. The new people have six kids and home school. Go figure

DW's best friend just pulled her kids (our kid's ages) out of the local public school for private school. A serious financial commitment there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is seems to be an epidemic these days.


You responded to my post about this very thing and I agree. It's so hard when everyone around you seems to have more, do more, and BE more. Learning to be happy with where you are and what you have is quite the challenge some days. We live in such a materialistic society and when we can't keep up we feel inferior like somehow our stuff makes us who we are.

I totally get it. As a broke homemaker I have days when I wish for more but then I ground myself by remembering how much I already have. Its not always easy though.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with wanting nice things, but there needs to be the budget for it. If there is not, I don't understand why women like my SIL can't just be happy with what they have. These types confuse wants with needs.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

norajane said:


> I think agreeing on a project plan, budget, and savings plan together is vital. Also, working on this together (rather than making it entirely her project) could be fun for both of you. I don't know if she is on top of your finances, but your input and cooperation will be very helpful and (I think) is necessary.


I'm all for planning and mutual agreement to the plans. Can't see how working on any of the planning together will be fun for me. She has spent any time on any of our finances but she does know the amount of our total monthly discretionary budget. No one knows how much goes where or where it all goes. Figuring this out would be a good start but I don't have time to do it all myself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have a heart for people like this. They lack self esteem to stand on their own without all the trappings of bigger, better, MORE stuff. It's a trap fed daily by the media perpetuated by everyone we know. We all want to fit in which most of the time means being a consumer sheep type. To dare to be different is really really hard.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I have a heart for people like this. They lack self esteem to stand on their own without all the trappings of bigger, better, MORE stuff. It's a trap fed daily by the media perpetuated by everyone we know. We all want to fit in which most of the time means being a consumer sheep type. To dare to be different is really really hard.



:iagree::iagree: Daring to be different is also brave.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Functions just fine. Some very minor leakage but I can't tell whether it is due to plumbing or being careless with water or a leak from outside or condensation.
> 
> Working for income is on the horizon. We have already spent several hundred dollars getting her qualified. Should she keep all her earnings for her project? Her outside commitments always have a distinct negative effect on our household and result in a lot being dumped on me that I don't really need. But that's another story, I want to be fair with her and her money.


its important to keep your house up to date. but overall financial health is much more important.

I think she has a bad case of keeping up with the jones. she needs a more realistic veiw of what you can and can't afford.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> You responded to my post about this very thing and I agree. It's so hard when everyone around you seems to have more, do more, and BE more. Learning to be happy with where you are and what you have is quite the challenge some days. We live in such a materialistic society and when we can't keep up we feel inferior like somehow our stuff makes us who we are.
> 
> I totally get it. As a broke homemaker I have days when I wish for more but then I ground myself by remembering how much I already have. Its not always easy though.


Thanks Mavash. My message stays the same and if it was helpful to you I am pleased. It's not what one has but the value of what one does that defines their worth as a person. Relationship if far more valuable than material and the relationship within the family is the most valuable of all. No one lies on their death bed and says "I wish I spent more time at work" or "I wish I could have bought more stuff or paid people to do more things for me"


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> she needs a more realistic veiw of what you can and can't afford.


Sure. What we can and cannot afford is determined by choices and mostly these are choices that she makes and I back. In my humble opinion, the problem is one of not accepting the consequences of one's choices, but how can I communicate that in a loving, non-threatening way? This may not be possible


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sure. What we can and cannot afford is determined by choices and mostly these are choices that she makes and I back. In my humble opinion, the problem is one of not accepting the consequences of one's choices, but how can I communicate that in a loving, non-threatening way? This may not be possible


My husband is WAY more materialistic than I am. He's a gift guy and a big time dreamer. What has worked for me is to indulge his dreams even though we both know it isn't going to happen today. He has said of my frugal ways that he knows we can't afford it but he's annoyed when I shoot down his dreams. So he likes to look at campers, dream of vacations, and browse home improvement stores and I just say sure. He tells me all of his big dreams and I simply listen. Before I tried to talk him out of his dreams. "Do you know how much food costs these days?" LOL Now I don't and he's happier.

He's a smart guy, he knows how much money we have and he knows our kids are worth the sacrifice. I don't need to tell him this AGAIN.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I might just be a bathroom fiend, but I do love an extravagant bathroom. H probably never cared about bathrooms before he met me, but now we can stay up at night talking about our perfect bathroom. He wants a waterfall shower, I want a whirlpool bath, etc. And we know we can't do it now, but it doesn't make us unhappy because we're on the right path financially to being able to afford it one day, many many (many) years into the future. So I agree with most of the posters here that suggest you and your wife account for where all your money is going, and deciding together where you can save money will definitely help.

Next I just have to get him into kitchens....


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> My husband is WAY more materialistic than I am. He's a gift guy and a big time dreamer. What has worked for me is to indulge his dreams even though we both know it isn't going to happen today. He has said of my frugal ways that he knows we can't afford it but he's annoyed when I shoot down his dreams. So he likes to look at campers, dream of vacations, and browse home improvement stores and I just say sure. He tells me all of his big dreams and I simply listen. Before I tried to talk him out of his dreams. "Do you know how much food costs these days?" LOL Now I don't and he's happier.
> 
> He's a smart guy, he knows how much money we have and he knows our kids are worth the sacrifice. I don't need to tell him this AGAIN.


I like going to the boat show. I dream for a couple hours about how great it would be but I never seriously get into buying. My manager has a nice boat but he has one kid now out of college and his wife works. I wouldn't trade places with him for anything. Yesterday morning I was stuck on a conference call that started before I left from work. I the brief time I was home and even though I was preoccupied, the joy my middle son experience at my being there and that I was able to share with him was one of my most outstanding moments in recent memory


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Last night my wife shared that she is feeling very sad. I asked her why and she said she is deeply saddened that we are not able to move forward with some bathroom remodeling she wants. I explained to her that the reason we don't proceed is because all our income is already spent on other things. She said she felt that this was an emergency and should be funded out of our savings. I disagreed, I said that I don't feel this situation rises to the level of an emergency.
> 
> Following, there was some minor dysfunctional communication on her part that we were able to work through. She then shared that she was depressed by the admittedly aged decorating in our bedroom.
> 
> ...


Being depressed about a bathroom is not normal. Her sadness is not from the postponed bathroom remodel. There are some other issues that are causing this. 

Ask her how she feels about your marriage and then seek MC or IC.

Something else is going on here.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Just a thought, but you can paint old vanities to freshen them up. That's what I did in my master bath. They are old - from the 80s - cabinets......wood. My best friend and I painted them an off white color and I changed the hardware to oil rubbed bronze. They came out very nice and made the bathroom look bigger. Very happy and only cost like $20 (primer, paint, &brushes).

You can find unused material (tile) on Craigslist, and may other items at a fraction of the cost at the stores. Give that a try.

Also you can find new toilets, light fixtures, etc at habitat for humanity places.

What kind of floors do you currently have?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I like going to the boat show. I dream for a couple hours about how great it would be but I never seriously get into buying. My manager has a nice boat but he has one kid now out of college and his wife works. I wouldn't trade places with him for anything. Yesterday morning I was stuck on a conference call that started before I left from work. I the brief time I was home and even though I was preoccupied, the joy my middle son experience at my being there and that I was able to share with him was one of my most outstanding moments in recent memory


Hubs and I just bought a boat. Granted it's an older boat, but it's been very well taken care of by previous owners (2). And we got a great deal on it. There are affordable things out there if you search them out. Things don't have to be "brand new" to make you happy. (????) We have gotten so much pleasure out of this boat (it's a cuddy cabin  ) and just this past Sunday, my 6 year old daughter rode the ski tube for the very first time. The smiles on her face in the pics are priceless!!  Boat was purchased from Craigslist. Set goals and achieve them. Sure a nice brand new boat is awesome......to the tune of $40K probably, but there are boats out there at a fraction of that price, that have been well maintained, that you could probably afford....if you really wanted one!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> Being depressed about a bathroom is not normal. Her sadness is not from the postponed bathroom remodel. There are some other issues that are causing this.
> 
> Ask her how she feels about your marriage and then seek MC or IC.
> 
> Something else is going on here.


She is not much inclined to share her feelings about our marriage. She did say that she was sad that she had to live in these conditions but I sort of coaxed her into saying this.

We were in MC for quite a while recently but she didn't want to go any more. The type of dysfunctional communication I shared in my initial post had pretty much disappeared until last night. But this incident was very small and very short and we were able to work our way through it which is a big improvement.

Do you think I should seek counseling? I often consider this. Should I suggest that she find a counselor?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My SIL is the same way. She had my brother and father build their 4000 finished sq ft house. She wasn't happy with the stone tile in the bathroom and my brother remodeled it. She then wasn't happy with the size of the house and wants a bigger house. They have heated floors and all the bells and whistles you could ask for. She still is not happy inside. They are in debt, I have bill collectors calling my house wondering where their money is. My brother makes a very decent salary, but my SIL spending habits are out of control and wants more. 

I see this as an addiction. My mother is the same way. They keep spending and buying. My SIL walked into my house shortly after we built it. Her first words were how can you breathe in a house this size? My house is not small. We have a nice size house and are very comfortable in it. We could use an update, a new coat of paint on the walls will do. We haven't painted in a while. I was a little hurt by her comment, but she's done a lot worse to us.

I do believe either your a spender or saver. Both my hubby and I are savers. We are on the same page as far as finances and spending goes.

I do think you should ask her what color paint. Maybe some new wall decor, shower curtain, ect. would help change the look on a smaller scale budget. Retiling the bathroom floor and shower wall is hard work and more expensive. We do everything ourselves if possible. 

I do think there are much deeper issues going on inside. It's odd to be deeply saddened by wanting a remodel if it already looks nice and is functional. Good luck. I hope you can find a good balance with the bathroom issue.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Just a thought, but you can paint old vanities to freshen them up. That's what I did in my master bath. They are old - from the 80s - cabinets......wood. My best friend and I painted them an off white color and I changed the hardware to oil rubbed bronze. They came out very nice and made the bathroom look bigger. Very happy and only cost like $20 (primer, paint, &brushes).
> 
> You can find unused material (tile) on Craigslist, and may other items at a fraction of the cost at the stores. Give that a try.
> 
> ...


Floors are junk and they really need to be replaced. I'm OK with replacing floors but they are still 2-3 bucks a pop when you add up all the materials.

Lots of old fixtures around and I have friends bringing them to me so I can show them to DW and see it will help. Tearing out and replacing the shower enclosure, replacing the drain and rerouting plumbing are difficult to get discounted. Copper pipe is pricey these days


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Hubs and I just bought a boat. Granted it's an older boat, but it's been very well taken care of by previous owners (2). And we got a great deal on it. There are affordable things out there if you search them out. Things don't have to be "brand new" to make you happy. (????) We have gotten so much pleasure out of this boat (it's a cuddy cabin  ) and just this past Sunday, my 6 year old daughter rode the ski tube for the very first time. The smiles on her face in the pics are priceless!!  Boat was purchased from Craigslist. Set goals and achieve them. Sure a nice brand new boat is awesome......to the tune of $40K probably, but there are boats out there at a fraction of that price, that have been well maintained, that you could probably afford....if you really wanted one!


Love this idea but I really have no path to get there. Our checking account balance is zero by the 25th of every month and we wait out the next 5-6 days with no money for coffee or anything.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Floors are junk and they really need to be replaced. I'm OK with replacing floors but they are still 2-3 bucks a pop when you add up all the materials.
> 
> Lots of old fixtures around and I have friends bringing them to me so I can show them to DW and see it will help. Tearing out and replacing the shower enclosure, replacing the drain and rerouting plumbing are difficult to get discounted. Copper pipe is pricey these days


Have you looked for things on Craigslist, that might with the current wiring and pipes?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Love this idea but I really have no path to get there. Our checking account balance is zero by the 25th of every month and we wait out the next 5-6 days with no money for coffee or anything.


Yes that is tough. 

So, let me ask you this: What types of things, expenses, etc. could you cut out...in order to save?

You mentioned coffee.........do you get coffee out somewhere everyday (when you can)? 

Do you have house phone AND cell phone(s)?

Cable? Satelitte? Movie channels?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Can your wife find any way to make some income?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Just shooting out ideas here....


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I see this as an addiction. My mother is the same way. They keep spending and buying. My SIL walked into my house shortly after we built it. Her first words were how can you breathe in a house this size? My house is not small. We have a nice size house and are very comfortable in it.


I think you are on to something here. Compulsive personalities can manifest in many ways. Unfortunately, modern society has made it a lot easier for more and people to crash and burn these days, not just drinkers and druggies any more.

As part of our conversation last night, DW said "You think I have a money problem. You think I have a money problem. Well no matter what you think, I don't have a money problem" . I nicely pointed out that she really didn't have any basis to tell me what I think and left it at that.

I used to get confused by being told "You think this ..." or "You think that ..." but I have come to understand that this is what textbook psychologists call projection since one cannot really read another person's mind to know what they think.

So I will accept this as evidence that we have a minor compulsive spending problem. But where do I go with it?


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Copper pipe is pricey these days


You are so right. Just did some plumbing in my girlfriends basement, moved a few hot and cold lines to move the washer dryer, the pipe and fittings for about 20 feet were over 100 bucks!

Your wife doesn't work and you write that you don't have the time to paint?

What's wrong with this picture? 

She can paint, it's not difficult and she can also learn to do other things such as spackling. 

You sound like a do it yourselfer, you can get used fixtures from Craigslist or maybe a place that sells used home improvement items. Probably do the whole job for under $500.You can do an hour or two at night when you get home. I've been there I can relate.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Just shooting out ideas here....


I appreciate it, thanks.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

donders said:


> You are so right. Just did some plumbing in my girlfriends basement, moved a few hot and cold lines to move the washer dryer, the pipe and fittings for about 20 feet were over 100 bucks!
> 
> Your wife doesn't work and you write that you don't have the time to paint?
> 
> ...


Yeah, the drain pipes are 3-4 inch and they really cost. 26 ft of tile cost us $180 on sale. Add in cement board, mortar and grout and we are up to almost three bills for a (very) small floor. We bought this stuff Sunday out of our general account and I thought getting the floor going would be sufficient to provide some relief but it seems to have brought on a more bigger need.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

donders said:


> Your wife doesn't work and you write that you don't have the time to paint?
> 
> What's wrong with this picture?
> 
> ...


I found an oil rubbed light fixture that I liked on Craigslist for my bathroom. Got it for like $30, I think. Hubs hooked it up and it works perfectly. Look under the 'Material' section on Craigslist.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yeah, the drain pipes are 3-4 inch and they really cost. 26 ft of tile cost us $180 on sale. Add in cement board, mortar and grout and we are up to almost three bills for a (very) small floor. We bought this stuff Sunday out of our general account and I thought getting the floor going would be sufficient to provide some relief but it seems to have brought on a more bigger need.


You know how it is.. home improvement projects are like a snowball rolling downhill.

I still maintain that she can contribute her time since she's not working. She can paint, check Craigslist and local papers for used stuff, learn how to spackle.. at least she can agree that she can help out.

I must wonder why that thought hasn't occurred to you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I think you are on to something here. Compulsive personalities can manifest in many ways. Unfortunately, modern society has made it a lot easier for more and people to crash and burn these days, not just drinkers and druggies any more.
> 
> As part of our conversation last night, DW said "You think I have a money problem. You think I have a money problem. Well no matter what you think, I don't have a money problem" . I nicely pointed out that she really didn't have any basis to tell me what I think and left it at that.
> 
> ...


I wish I knew. She will never admit to the problem unless she recognizes this as a problem.

I am having these same issues as my 18 year old daughter. Our checkbook closed, so she moved into my parents house. They graciously accepted her moving in and I tried to warn my parents of her behavior and her compulsive spending habits. My parents are angry with me because she is using up quite a bit of their money on gas, going out to eat, ect.. My daughter spent nearly all of her graduation money too, which was suppose to be for a car. She just spent $500 on a present for her bf for Christmas and she works very part time. My daughter wants to grow up, yet she doesn't want any responsibility. 

I do think this is a serious issue. Spending money in this way will not help when it comes to retirement. I think it is so important to have money saved for the future. My husband is the only one that works, eventually he will want to retire. The sooner the better as I want him to retire as well. Good luck!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Craigslist is a dream. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there throwing away stuff that would be an improvement over what we have. A sign of the times I guess


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yeah, the drain pipes are 3-4 inch and they really cost. 26 ft of tile cost us $180 on sale. Add in cement board, mortar and grout and we are up to almost three bills for a (very) small floor. We bought this stuff Sunday out of our general account and I thought getting the floor going would be sufficient to provide some relief but it seems to have brought on a more bigger need.


So you bought some things on sale already from the store? Before checking out other options to save money, and still get the job done?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

donders said:


> You know how it is.. home improvement projects are like a snowball rolling downhill.
> 
> I still maintain that she can contribute her time since she's not working. She can paint, check Craigslist and local papers for used stuff, learn how to spackle.. at least she can agree that she can help out.
> 
> I must wonder why that thought hasn't occurred to you.


She has three young kids at home for the summer which is at least a full time job. She's not incapable, but she is very difficult to work with. Doesn't like taking direction. Can't have her work corrected. Constantly argues over things that should be common knowledge and feels hurt if we don't proceed doing it her way. Doesn't look out and stay clear of dangerous situations. Seriously challenged with cleanup and putting tools away.

Even with her help, we are looking at drywall and plumbing tasks that are at the top the the diy skill range for either of us. And we really can't leave the house torn up for months on end with little kids around


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

southern wife said:


> So you bought some things on sale already from the store? Before checking out other options to save money, and still get the job done?


Wow. This is another job. She's been complaining about the floor tile for seemingly ever and it really doesn't look all that great. It's a small space and a well contained mess. She knows the store and knows their sale cycle and we agreed to go forward with the job. You have to admit that going to the store and picking out exactly the shade and shape and texture you want is a gratifying experience. We bought 26' of tile and border for $180 and I thought that was all we needed. I can source the other generic materials from other places. The problem with tile is that there are so many variations. It doesn't make sense to drive to a bunch of different locations to look at stuff where the total potential savings is less than $150. I figured it was better to let her choose what she wants.

What took me by surprise was that 36 hours later, she is in a deep funk about other stuff in other rooms. I did the best I could with what was on my plate only to be wakened at 2AM to spend 2 hours in an unpleasant conversation about her sadness and its origins. All this with regards to another job in another room

Looking back at this, I think the poor lady may be losing it. Something about home improvement, in the past, her desires regarding home improvement/remodeling have led her to loose self control and speak in a very destructive disrespectful fashion. We touched that briefly last night but were able to work through it. What can I do, if anything?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

TYH, my marriage is newer, so I guess I don't suspect that you're my husband, but he could be saying the same things! 

I went from a high income bracket with my ex and me, to being a SAH person with about 1/3 of the income and a smaller, older, desperately-in-need-of-updating house that my husband had "started" some projects on that haven't been finished, and finished a couple that definitely had that DIY look to them. 

Right now, we need about $8k worth of work done to make the house what I'd consider "sellable" condition (I was in real estate and think like that.) What we've been doing is this: We're setting aside a little every month and doing what we can as we can.

The inexpensive things that will really spruce things up while saving for the expensive repairs and upgrades, especially if you use some creativity: 

- New light fixtures are wonderful. 
- New window coverings.
- Painting.
- Rugs or carpets. 
- Linens/accessories.

It drives me crazy to have to wait, but I feel like we make regular progress and that reassures me a lot. In the last two years, we're refinished the wood floors in two rooms and hallway, painted both bathrooms, the living room, and both of those bedrooms. I removed a mirror in the bathroom and replaced it with a medicine chest that's attractive. We updated the faucets in both bathrooms. 

Even though we still have a lot of things to do, and a lot that's in process (we just tore out a bedroom from the basement this weekend and are refinishing the area to create a recreation room), the house looks a LOT better from these minor details - maybe spent a total of $1,000 in two years - and we are well on the way to getting a kitchen renovation completed.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I went from a high income bracket with my ex and me, to being a SAH person with about 1/3 of the income and a smaller, older, desperately-in-need-of-updating house
> Right now, we need about $8k worth of work done to make the house what I'd consider "sellable" condition
> 
> We're setting aside a little every month and doing what we can as we can.
> ...


Thanks Kathy. 

I'm stuck. Setting aside a little every month - like $100 - is completely used up by spending on window coverings or light fixtures (we can use both) setting a $1,200 project another month behind because saving and spending a little bit both in the same month is not feasible.

I'm starting to think I may have to take a tough love stance here and explain that when someone chooses to have children and commits to fully provide for them, then that person has also made a choice at the same time to put their personal needs and wants on hold during the time they are caring for their children.

My childhood was lacking in material goods but my parents did without even more for themselves so that they could adequately provide the little that we had. As a young adult I was blessed with material abundance but as a husband/father I have no difficulty giving all that to my wife and children since that was what my parents did.

My wife had a very different experience growing up. Her family was more affluent than mine but the kids actually had less due to her parents spending on themselves. Now she wants to have it both ways, spending on our children as well as feeding her own indulgences.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Will she work? I know.... three young children. Just depends on if she can bring in some money without spending it on day care just to work. Figure it out... it might motivate her if ya'll can find a way for her to help bring in money. Aside from redecorating, it sounds like you live pretty tight, and it wouldn't hurt for her to work anyway. It also shows the kids a lesson about hard work and paying for what you have, etc...

You asked about how to sort the money if she brings some in. Well, you have to discuss this ahead of time. I'd put it all in the family fund, some in the reno fund, and hopefully a bit left over for each of you to have your own allowance. THAT would solve alot of things.


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

hi ten year hubby. no one else has said it but i will. you need to man up and tell your wife no. she probably has all of her needs met. her wants can wait. she is responsible for her own happiness. having a good husband, children that are healthy, a roof over her head. food is such a blessing. she needs to wait. you sound like a great guy, do not give in to her. if you cannot afford it.....you just cannot afford it. stop making excuses.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Trying everything I can to avoid that since it's not really my nature, but I think you are right. I'm a consensus guy due due to my birth order but sometime we have to agree to disagree


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Ten_year_hubby said*: I'm starting to think I may have to take a tough love stance here and explain that when someone chooses to have children and commits to fully provide for them, then that person has also made a choice at the same time to put their personal needs and wants on hold during the time they are caring for their children.


 I agree. 

If the husband is the main bread winner here...and he spends responsibly...always looking out for his family...not a frivilous waster...the wife is very blessed indeed, but is missing it... This has to be on her. 

It is healthy & wise to plan ahead for such projects, work within a budget to not over extend. When people get themselves in mounds of debt -- it causes way more stress than a disagrement over how a bathroom looks. If it is functional...it can wait. One can use their crafty imagination in the mean time to spruce it up...

She would be wise to plan, scouting out the best possible prices to be had, doing her research, if you 2 can handle some of the repairs, do it yourself and save thousands. 

This is how me & my husband handled every house project we ever had.... We never even took on a project until we had the $$ in our hand Plus some to spare -as it always ends up costing more than it should -so it seems. But I was always on the same page, I would have stopped him if he wanted to borrow!

Someone has to stand up & be the Leader, and make the final decision ...it's not a NO, it is a "Wait"... in this, she should not be overly upset. 

She could always look for a part time job to jump on the savings. We have 6 kids, I have had small on the side jobs for near our whole marriage. It's very doable. When there is a will, there is a way.


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