# Closing in on one year....



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

This February will mark _one year _ without sex in my house(that wasn't solo)which is very very depressing, so is anyone else in my same boat or even close?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

That is so sad. I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Lyris said:


> That is so sad. I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation.


Yeah me too; and my wife has made it well known that it's part of the process of punishing me for being a jerk to her during fights, but what she doesn't see is that it only makes the wedge between us even wider. I am not a cheating man but I do understand why some men choose to do that on their wives.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Yeah me too; and my wife has made it well known that it's part of the process of punishing me for being a jerk to her during fights, but what she doesn't see is that it only makes the wedge between us even wider. I am not a cheating man but I do understand why some men choose to do that on their wives.


Why are you not ending this relationship? ( that is not an attack I really do want to know your reasons )


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So when you add up the fact that *my wife and I are talking about splitting in the new year*, and the fact that half my family is fighting with the other and will be gathering for Christmas _seperately_ this year, and the fact my wife's grandfather just fell and broke his hip so the annual Christmas Eve gathering at their house is cancelled; this year's holiday season really sucks right now!





Cee Paul said:


> Well my patience ran out probably a year ago; and so after giving this 500 chances to work while trying to make personal changes to myself only to have her try and tear me back down, *I am planning on asking her for a legal seperation in the coming year and if that doesn't sink in...........a divorce.*





Cee Paul said:


> Well my wife's first attempt at punishing me for not being the model husband that she wants me to be and always dreamed of, was cutting me off in the bedroom and that has lasted about 10 months now. So her 2nd attemp began about a few weeks ago when she stopped wearing her wedding ring all together, and she basically told me that "when you learn how to act then I'll put it back on"!
> 
> **Sigh* - I think it's safe to say it's about time to end this thing already in the coming year.*


It's the new year. Time to leave.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Why are you not ending this relationship? ( that is not an attack I really do want to know your reasons )


Because for the first few years of our marriage we were madly in love and having the time of our lives, so I guess I'm very sad to see that now going by the waste side.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Because for the first few years of our marriage we were madly in love and having the time of our lives, so I guess I'm very sad to see that now going by the waste side.


I remember from your other threads that your wife is very workaholic and this played part in slowing down your sex life. 

Have you tried being simply loving to her ? 
What do you do for her during the day?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I remember from your other threads that your wife is very workaholic and this played part in slowing down your sex life.
> 
> Have you tried being simply loving to her ?
> What do you do for her during the day?


I have bent over backwards for her, but at some point that needs to be reversed and has SHE been loving to ME and what does SHE do for ME during the day(because it's a two way street).


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife uses sex as a weapon and it will just get worse.. It will lead to separation and you getting your emotional and physical needs being met somewhere else then she will be ' shocked and devastated ' that you cheated on her and completed oblivious as to why and how could you do this.. I waited too late and now have three kids to consider, If you can get out free and clear I would suggest you do it,,


By the way, after our second child was born we went almost 4 yrs without as much as rubbing elbows together,, I talked her into meeting me at a hotel in New Orleans,, we made love twice and conceived our third child ( a son that I was completed jazzed about and she was completely devastated about) He is 5 now and we have had sex one time since that weekend in NO,, Separated, got really close to divorce, been back under the same roof for a year and I am still the only one making any effort to make ti work,, and the effort is fast running out,, Good luck


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....reminds me of a joke:

A renown sex therapist had made a claim that personal happiness was directly proportional to the amount of sex that the person was getting.

To prove the point at a lecture gathering of about 500 people, the therapist told all those that were having sex at least once a week to raise their hands. 

Of the 500 persons present, about 300 of them energetically waived their hands above their heads and exhibited a sense of content happiness on their faces.

The therapist then asked those present that were having sex once a month to raise their hands. Of those present, what appeared to be just about all of the remaining attendees raised their hands, but with much less shows of happiness, and some appearing to be somewhat saddened by their admission of lesser amounts of sexual frequency.

Having pretty much proven his theory, directly linking greater happiness to greater sexual frequency, the therapist then asked the audience to raise their hands if they had sex only once a year. At that moment, a little man in the rear of the auditorium raised both hands with great joy, glee, happiness, and was hollering with unbridled enthusiasm.

The therapist was shocked, dismayed, and embarrassed ... having just had his theory of sexual frequency equating to happiness, completely shot down. He looked at the man and said, "How can this be?" "Those with greater frequency were smiling and happy ....those with lesser frequency were very much less happy ...and now you, with a frequency of one time a year are overflowing with joy ...how can this be so?"

The little man jumped upon his chair and started yelling, *"Tonight's the night ...tonight's the night"!!!*



I was reminded of that joke ...because more often than not ...I'm that man in the back. And actually, *was* that man until this past mid-December....having gone just about 18 months with nothing from her until that point.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> This February will mark _one year _ without sex in my house(that wasn't solo)which is very very depressing, so is anyone else in my same boat or even close?


Do you love your wife? 

If so, don't just leave because you might regret it later. 

Remember why you married her.

Talk to her. Honestly, put your foot down without being an ******* . 
I suggest counseling. 

If she refuses to even discuss it, do what your heart tells you.

Best, 

Little Bird


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Getbusylivin said:


> My wife uses sex as a weapon and it will just get worse.. It will lead to separation and you getting your emotional and physical needs being met somewhere else then she will be ' shocked and devastated ' that you cheated on her and completed oblivious as to why and how could you do this.. I waited too late and now have three kids to consider, If you can get out free and clear I would suggest you do it,,
> 
> 
> By the way, after our second child was born we went almost 4 yrs without as much as rubbing elbows together,, I talked her into meeting me at a hotel in New Orleans,, we made love twice and conceived our third child ( a son that I was completed jazzed about and she was completely devastated about) He is 5 now and we have had sex one time since that weekend in NO,, Separated, got really close to divorce, been back under the same roof for a year and I am still the only one making any effort to make ti work,, and the effort is fast running out,, Good luck


Wow. ...that is tough stuff, my friend. God be with you all.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My wife refused frequently from the beginning of the marriage. We would go anywhere from 3 to 18 months with no sex. Then in the mid 2000's we went 4 years!!!

I think really the way to deal with it is boundaries. Tell her it is not acceptable not to have a happy fulfilling sex life in the marriage. While sex is not everything, it is necessary. You will not be in a sexless marriage. You intend to have a happy active sex life and you prefer it be with her.

Then STFU. Don't argue, don't defend, don't justify.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

If your wife truly loved you she would not use sex as a weapon. Her actions or lack there of are saying that she just isn't that into you. 

Is there anything proactive happening to make you think things will improve? If not then get it over and done with and go find a better life out there.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Do you love your wife?
> 
> If so, don't just leave because you might regret it later.
> 
> ...


Yes I love her, and if I didn't I would have been gone a long time ago instead of being with her for 7.50 years now. But I explained to her this punishing of me is not working so she can either give in, or risk losing me all together with that being the icing on the cake.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

What you thread means to me is you just used up a year of your life and things are not getting any better so are you just waiting to see who is going to die first. You ever hear this secret[THERE ARE NO DO OVERS] you have one life when its over its done and to be blunt you are just letting your go buy.

If you stayed this long she knows you are not going any where so why should she change.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> What you thread means to me is you just used up a year of your life and things are not getting any better so are you just waiting to see who is going to die first. You ever hear this secret[THERE ARE NO DO OVERS] you have one life when its over its done and to be blunt you are just letting your go buy.
> 
> If you stayed this long she knows you are not going any where so why should she change.


I already had one failed marriage that lasted only 2.50 years that was a disaster on many levels; but with this one things were great the first 3-4 years and I never saw this coming but my patience has finally ran out, and I think we both know what is coming now.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

As somebody that has almost died twice there are no Guarantees so hope it works out and you move on soon and enjoy every day.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Yeah me too; and my wife has made it well known that it's part of the process of punishing me for being a jerk to her during fights, but what she doesn't see is that it only makes the wedge between us even wider. I am not a cheating man but I do understand why some men choose to do that on their wives.


That is a rough one. Does she state how long she plans on punishing you? I'm in the same boat as you unfortunately, February will mark a year for me as well. The only difference is that my wife insists that she isn't doing this as punishment, but needs to feel closer to me before resuming sex. She thinks that for me it is only a physical release and not wanting her emotionally, which isn't true, but I can't get that through to her. How often do you have fights (or disagreements) about the lack of sex? I go a while without bringing it up, thinking that maybe she will come around, then she will find something else that "isn't right or resolved" and complain that I'm nagging her and she can't feel close to me. It is an ugly little circle we have ourselves caught up in and are trying to break through.

I want to tell her if it was just sex I was after, I wouldn't still be in this marriage, that it is her that I really want, but don't think that conversation would go well. I think once the idea of separating is brought up, it might as well be over.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> She thinks that for me it is only a physical release and not wanting her emotionally, which isn't true, but I can't get that through to her.


I had this conversation with my wife about 18 months ago. She said literally she thought sex to a man was only about "spurting it out". Literally those are her words.

If all you need is to "spurt it out" once in a while it would be easier to take care of it yourself, or go to a hooker, or pick up a floozie in the bar. I wonder how your wife would react if you said to her "Honey, I know sex is not important to you, and to me it is only a biological function. I need to get my function serviced so I'm going down to the dance club to find a woman to sex me".

I bet she would not be happy if you did that while dressed nicely and then you drove off into the night.




TryingandFrustrated said:


> I want to tell her if it was just sex I was after, I wouldn't still be in this marriage, that it is her that I really want, but don't think that conversation would go well. I think once the idea of separating is brought up, it might as well be over.


Perhaps you are afraid to get the inevitable answer you know is out there. So you aren't pushing. It is easier to do what you're doing than to face the reality of her not wanting to be married to you.

I think you should have that talk with her. I explained to my wife that sex to me is an emotional bonding with her and it is me giving her something I don't give to anyone else. It is a necessary central part of a relationship. Though it is not the only important part of a relationship it is necessary.

My wife responded pretty favorably and we do have sex regularly though not often enough for me (about 2x per month average).

The thing is your wife has to know that _for you_ sex is a deal breaker in the marriage. She can choose to willfully and enthusiastically participate. Or not.

Be like a salesman, get to rejection quickly. If she is not going to come around, find out now. Believe me you cannot nudge her or Nice her into changing. I failed at that approach for 29 years.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

Thor said:


> I had this conversation with my wife about 18 months ago. She said literally she thought sex to a man was only about "spurting it out". Literally those are her words.
> 
> If all you need is to "spurt it out" once in a while it would be easier to take care of it yourself, or go to a hooker, or pick up a floozie in the bar. I wonder how your wife would react if you said to her "Honey, I know sex is not important to you, and to me it is only a biological function. I need to get my function serviced so I'm going down to the dance club to find a woman to sex me".
> 
> I bet she would not be happy if you did that while dressed nicely and then you drove off into the night.


You are correct, she definitely wouldn't be happy and I'm not sure if there would even be a way to fix that conversation after it was said.




Thor said:


> Perhaps you are afraid to get the inevitable answer you know is out there. So you aren't pushing. It is easier to do what you're doing than to face the reality of her not wanting to be married to you.
> 
> I think you should have that talk with her. I explained to my wife that sex to me is an emotional bonding with her and it is me giving her something I don't give to anyone else. It is a necessary central part of a relationship. Though it is not the only important part of a relationship it is necessary.
> 
> ...


Perhaps I am afraid of the answer that would come after bringing up the separation / Divorce subject. I've got a feeling that it really wouldn't matter how she felt about wanting to be married to me and she would just throw in the towel right there. I'd like to think that she wouldn't just be stringing me along further in counseling if she realy did want to end it.

She does know that a lack of sex is a dealbreaker to our marriage for me. I tried again to open up emotionally and tell her how I felt lonely/sad that when there is no physical aspect to our relationship (she recently asked me to be more open with my feelings), this spiraled backwards on me and she twisted it around that I was angry/mad with her for not having sex with me and how can she be close to someone who is angry and mad at them?
Somehow I've got to be able to share my feelings with her to make her more comfortable I guess, but at the same time, not share any negative feelings, since she has a way of turning these around into "Negative YOU statements" instead of statements stating how I'm feeling.
I agree with your statement that it is better to find out soon and not waste anymore of my life, and I feel that I'm approaching that time, just don't want to do it to soon and ruin any chance we may have.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> You are correct, she definitely wouldn't be happy and I'm not sure if there would even be a way to fix that conversation after it was said.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, but if it will be a year in Febuary, I don't think that is the case.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> That is a rough one. Does she state how long she plans on punishing you? I'm in the same boat as you unfortunately, February will mark a year for me as well. The only difference is that my wife insists that she isn't doing this as punishment, but needs to feel closer to me before resuming sex. She thinks that for me it is only a physical release and not wanting her emotionally, which isn't true, but I can't get that through to her. How often do you have fights (or disagreements) about the lack of sex? I go a while without bringing it up, thinking that maybe she will come around, then she will find something else that "isn't right or resolved" and complain that I'm nagging her and she can't feel close to me. It is an ugly little circle we have ourselves caught up in and are trying to break through.
> 
> I want to tell her if it was just sex I was after, I wouldn't still be in this marriage, that it is her that I really want, but don't think that conversation would go well. I think once the idea of separating is brought up, it might as well be over.


You're right in that it sounds like we are in the very same boat, and my wife claims that she has still not gotten over some of the rotten things I said and vulgar names I called her during some of our many arguements.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> You're right in that it sounds like we are in the very same boat, and my wife claims that she has still not gotten over some of the rotten things I said and vulgar names I called her during some of our many arguements.


To be honest calling vulgar names is a real turn off for a woman. I remember my ex used to do the same hence one of the reasons I didn't get intimate with him. 

Also, does she push your buttons up to the point of making you call her names? 
Probably the fault-origin comes from her.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> *She does know that a lack of sex is a dealbreaker to our marriage for me.*





41362 said:


> I'm sorry, but if it will be a year in Febuary, I don't think that is the case.


Why, because I'm still in the marriage trying to work out our issues even though I don't agree with the withholding sex?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> Why, because I'm still in the marriage trying to work out our issues even though I don't agree with the withholding sex?


I'm saying that she doesn't consider a "dealbreaker." If she valued it, as you do, it wouldn't be going on a year. You are working on it while she doesn't feel emotionally connected. If it's a dealbreaker for you, what have been the consequences?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

41362 said:


> I'm saying that she doesn't consider a "dealbreaker." If she valued it, as you do, it wouldn't be going on a year. You are working on it while she doesn't feel emotionally connected. If it's a dealbreaker for you, what have been the consequences?


You guys seems to be under the impression that women can separate sex from the rest of the marriage.

Men could probably have sex in an pit full of venomous snakes.

The compartments in your brain are separate, you are built to almost always be ready for sex.

If the rest of the marriage is ****, you can't expect a woman to be getting naked.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> You guys seems to be under the impression that women can separate sex from the rest of the marriage.
> 
> Men could probably have sex in an pit full of venomous snakes.
> 
> ...


Well, thanks for the stereotyping.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

41362 said:


> Well, thanks for the stereotyping.


Stereotypes are based in fact. 

Also, it's basic biology. The male brain is wired to be ready for sex damn near at all times. 

Not so for a woman. 

I'm not saying she's right, I'm just saying you can't apply male logic to a female.


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

its been a year and a half for me. she doesnt want any affection, no hugs, kissing and keeps pushing me away. it makes me sad and depressed, love and marriage should not be like this. 
we have a 4 year old and we have a 5 month old baby. i understand that shes stressed out with two kids, i help as much as i can after work thats why im willing to give her more time . shes got a baby on her hands and an active 4 year old.

but this is becoming a real issue for me, im fantasizing about other women much more than before. i hope this situation improves but like i said i will give it more time for now. im planning to sit down and talk to her about this issue soon.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

testr72 said:


> its been a year and a half for me. she doesnt want any affection, no hugs, kissing and keeps pushing me away. it makes me sad and depressed, love and marriage should not be like this.
> we have a 4 year old and we have a 5 month old baby. i understand that shes stressed out with two kids, i help as much as i can after work thats why im willing to give her more time . shes got a baby on her hands and an active 4 year old.
> 
> but this is becoming a real issue for me, im fantasizing about other women much more than before. i hope this situation improves but like i said i will give it more time for now. im planning to sit down and talk to her about this issue soon.


Her hormones are probably shot to hell. 

I admire you for your patience and not pushing her but you should discuss it before it gets out of control.

Be very careful of your phrasing, make it about "intimacy" not "sex". 

Good luck!


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> This February will mark _one year _ without sex in my house(that wasn't solo)which is very very depressing, so is anyone else in my same boat or even close?


This Feb it will be 3 years for me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Do you suspect she is seeing someone else? 

Works too much, kids, never in the mood, affair(s)?

You are bending over backwards and trying while she is not.


If she lost interest in sex after having kids, then hormone therapy, exercise, something has to be done. She can't just do the, I'm not in the mood anymore and expect you to be "happy".

If you had a great sex life before kids, it should be similar after the kids. Get a babysitter, time for yourselves. Kids aren't an excuse to kill the sex and intimacy.

It's not right of her to do this to you. This behavior is completely wrong on her part, no excuses.

Either she stops this, or you move on. You don't deserve this abuse and for years???

To me, sex is a physical release and emotional to my wifee (usually not in the mood LD) and we can talk and talk, but sex blows all that away for me. Men are built on testosterone. You can't deny them that. It's like denying a woman her emotional support / cuddling and romance. You don't do that.


If my wife wasn't in the mood for 1 year, to be honest, we'd literally be room mates and I would of had a "friend with benefits" already. Many women out there who'd like this setup. Life's too short to put up with this. And I'm a God fearing man saying this.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> This February will mark _one year _ without sex in my house(that wasn't solo)which is very very depressing, so is anyone else in my same boat or even close?


 Been there done that, I never want to do it again. I told my husband to put out or get out!

Sex for me is bonding without it I totally disconnect.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Do you suspect she is seeing someone else?
> 
> Works too much, kids, never in the mood, affair(s)?
> 
> ...


If you were a God fearing man you would not suggest to have an affair and cheat on your WIFE.

Nothing justifies an affair. Get a divorce but don't cheat.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yah I agree. But it gets that bad for me at times.......what to do?

And it shows that I'm the same as everyone else in weaknesses and desires, human.

I can see why people do cheat and it makes sense, even though its wrong.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

studley said:


> This Feb it will be 3 years for me.


Why on earth do you stay? 3 years OMG that is horrible.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> To be honest calling vulgar names is a real turn off for a woman. I remember my ex used to do the same hence one of the reasons I didn't get intimate with him.
> 
> Also, does she push your buttons up to the point of making you call her names?
> Probably the fault-origin comes from her.


I am a person who still keeps his cool after the first 1 or 2 times you push my buttons but I do warn people of what's coming, so then after she continues pushing me a 3rd or 4th time is when I finally lose it and blow my stack and say everything and anything that comes to mind! And yes I can be very vulgar and insulting when I'm pissed off.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

testr72 said:


> its been a year and a half for me. she doesnt want any affection, no hugs, kissing and keeps pushing me away. it makes me sad and depressed, love and marriage should not be like this.
> we have a 4 year old and we have a 5 month old baby. i understand that shes stressed out with two kids, i help as much as i can after work thats why im willing to give her more time . shes got a baby on her hands and an active 4 year old.
> 
> but this is becoming a real issue for me, im fantasizing about other women much more than before. i hope this situation improves but like i said i will give it more time for now. im planning to sit down and talk to her about this issue soon.


You must have snuck in a "quickie" at some point in that year & 1/2 in order to have a 5 month old baby.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Holland said:


> Why on earth do you stay? 3 years OMG that is horrible.


Life otherwise is OK. The wife has Alzheimer's (one reason for no sex is that it is just not on her radar) as well as other physical problems. If she were "normal" I'd consider divorce but it would not be fair to her to abandon her.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Stereotypes are based in fact.
> 
> Also, it's basic biology. The male brain is wired to be ready for sex damn near at all times.
> 
> ...


You can not speak for all women. 

My wife is the queen of compartmentalization. She does it far more than I do actually.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

jaquen said:


> You can not speak for all women.
> 
> My wife is the queen of compartmentalization. She does it far more than I do actually.


True


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

studley said:


> Life otherwise is OK. The wife has Alzheimer's (one reason for no sex is that it is just not on her radar) as well as other physical problems. If she were "normal" I'd consider divorce but it would not be fair to her to abandon her.


I am really sorry to hear that, it is an insidious disease.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You can not speak for all women.
> 
> My wife is the queen of compartmentalization. She does it far more than I do actually.


I agree with LittleBird; because out of all the women I have been with and talked to or read about or seen on tv, it's always the men who are 10x more horny and are willing to have sex or masturbate than most women are. Most guys could probably get horny in the middle of a tornado or an earthquake because it's just in our nature to.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I agree with LittleBird; because out of all the women I have been with and talked to or read about or seen on tv, it's always the men who are 10x more horny and are willing to have sex or masturbate than most women are. Most guys could probably get horny in the middle of a tornado or an earthquake because it's just in our nature to.


Ummm, LittleBird is wrong to speak for all women, and if you agree she's right, than you too are wrong.

Unless, of course, my wife is just a figment of my imagination. In that case I've got bigger problems to deal with!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Ummm, LittleBird is wrong to speak for all women, and if you agree she's right, than you too are wrong.
> 
> Unless, of course, my wife is just a figment of my imagination. In that case I've got bigger problems to deal with!


Hey I had an ex that loooooved sex and was very good at it, but she was the _only one _ out of the 4 women I've slept with my whole life, and the others(my wife included)simply lost interest after like a year and sex was not important to them. And I have heard many many many other guys give that same claim about their women too.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Hey I had an ex that loooooved sex and was very good at it, but she was the _only one _ out of the 4 women I've slept with my whole life, and the others(my wife included)simply lost interest after like a year and sex was not important to them. And I have heard many many many other guys give that same claim about their women too.


You do realize that you proved my point by bringing up your ex, right?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You do realize that you proved my point by bringing up your ex, right?


Proved what point; that only ONE out of the 4 women I've been with were actually into and enjoyed sex beyond the first year or so(which aren't very good odds)?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> This February will mark _one year _ without sex in my house(that wasn't solo)which is very very depressing, so is anyone else in my same boat or even close?


Leave her and find someone who will treat you like a human being.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> I agree with LittleBird; because out of all the women I have been with and talked to or read about or seen on tv, it's always the men who are 10x more horny and are willing to have sex or masturbate than most women are. Most guys could probably get horny in the middle of a tornado or an earthquake because it's just in our nature to.


You clearly haven't met my girlfriend. I thought my libido was without peer until I met her.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> You clearly haven't met my girlfriend. I thought my libido was without peer until I met her.


I have met your girlfriend persay and she was my - ex wife; because she used to loooooove sex too to the point she was constantly wearing me out, but now I'm obviously in a totally different situation as you have read about.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Six months without sex, outside of any medical conditions, and no effort to change would be it for me. I can't believe you lasted a year. Holy crap.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Six months without sex, outside of any medical conditions, and no effort to change would be it for me. I can't believe you lasted a year. Holy crap.


I know, but after having one failed marriage that lasted only 2.50 years I have been trying a lot harder to make this one work after 7 years.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> I know, but after having one failed marriage that lasted only 2.50 years I have been trying a lot harder to make this one work after 7 years.


And that is really honorable. Seven years is a long time. But is it better to let that seven years go, move one, and find someone who really will love you and commit to you, or keep the seven years and add another twenty of misery?

I don't envy your decision, and I am so, so sorry this has happened to you.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

It's just sad and very aggrevating when you are feeling really horny or in the mood for some good romance but when you go to your spouse you hear, "sorry - can't help you with that" over and over and over and over. Again I am starting to understand why it is that spouses go out and cheat!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> It's just sad and very aggrevating when you are feeling really horny or in the mood for some good romance but when you go to your spouse you hear, "sorry - can't help you with that" over and over and over and over. Again I am starting to understand why it is that spouses go out and cheat!


That would be aggravating to me too. You promised to be sexually faithful and now the woman you're tied to isn't being sexual with you. 

It's wrong and cruel. Evil, even. 

Not all of us women are like that. I've been sexual with my husband for over four years now, and I still love it. Crave it. Need it. You could find another woman to meet those needs. But it's your choice to do so. A seven year marriage isn't easy to let go of.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Six months without sex, outside of any medical conditions, and no effort to change would be it for me. I can't believe you lasted a year. Holy crap.


I can't even imagine 6  months without sex and I'm like Resident Evil Number One around here!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I can't even imagine 6 months without sex and I'm like Resident Evil Number One around here!


No you're not.  Most people recognize your willingness and ability to change and work through the problems you're facing. That is _huge_.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I can't even imagine 6 months without sex and I'm like Resident Evil Number One around here!


I don't think you are.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> No you're not.  Most people recognize your willingness and ability to change and work through the problems you're facing. That is _huge_.


:iagree:


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I can't even imagine 6 months without sex and I'm like Resident Evil Number One around here!


Just because some of us have different opinions, doesn't mean you are not valued or appreciated. Many of us are here for healthy dialogue and support. It's just not always easy to read or hear.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> That would be aggravating to me too. You promised to be sexually faithful and now the woman you're tied to isn't being sexual with you.
> 
> It's wrong and cruel. Evil, even.
> 
> Not all of us women are like that. I've been sexual with my husband for over four years now, and I still love it. Crave it. Need it. You could find another woman to meet those needs. But it's your choice to do so. A seven year marriage isn't easy to let go of.


Well I would have to say that the first 3-4 years we too had an ongoing sex life that had slowed down some, but it hadn't completely _disappeared_ like it has now. And I already know some of the main reasons why and have discussed these with her before, and those reasons are stress from her new job and career change - still feeling resentful and angry over my decision to stop trying to have a child - and feeling unattractive because she's put on 42 lbs since our wedding day(even though I've never made that an issue).


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

CeePaul. Man I understand this to the max. One year and two months, three weeks, five days...... You get the point. The main issue was we drifted apart, no longer in love. When this happens, to us anyway, there is zero intimacy. We were roommates. This stinks btw. Let me tell you, I worked out hard, got to the point I was throwing around some heavy iron. Never m-bated, so I was on edge. Now that I am in a wonderful, healthy, happy, relationship, I get to make up for lost time. BTW, my so has zero complaints. Sorry you are going through that man. Good Luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Well I would have to say that the first 3-4 years we too had an ongoing sex life that had slowed down some, but it hadn't completely _disappeared_ like it has now. And I already know some of the main reasons why and have discussed these with her before, and those reasons are stress from her new job and career change - still feeling resentful and angry over my decision to stop trying to have a child - and feeling unattractive because she's put on 42 lbs since our wedding day(even though I've never made that an issue).


Those are all her problems to solve. If you don't hold her feet to the fire she has no reason to deal with the issues.

Boy do I know too much about trying to be compassionate with my spouse's issues. Really it does come down to allowing oneself to be treated this way. And yes it is a balancing act between trying to be compassionate of this person we love and also being compassionate to our own needs and desires.

Right now your wife is putting herself far ahead of you, while you are putting her ahead of you too.

Boundaries are the way to deal with this. Express your expectations and your boundaries. Be ready to enforce the consequences. She will either come along or you'll know she never will.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Thor said:


> Those are all her problems to solve. If you don't hold her feet to the fire she has no reason to deal with the issues.
> 
> Boy do I know too much about trying to be compassionate with my spouse's issues. Really it does come down to allowing oneself to be treated this way. And yes it is a balancing act between trying to be compassionate of this person we love and also being compassionate to our own needs and desires.
> 
> ...


Been there and done all that with her and the results are still not good, so when she gets back into town we are going to have to sit down and have a long serious talk about fixing all this immediately or..............moving on seperately.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> when she gets back into town we are going to have to sit down and have a long serious talk about fixing all this immediately or..............moving on seperately.


It won't be an easy conversation but you will feel relief no matter what the outcome.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> Been there and done all that with her and the results are still not good, so when she gets back into town we are going to have to sit down and have a long serious talk about fixing all this immediately or..............moving on seperately.


I wish you luck, I really do.

I advise you to attempt to be the bigger person- that is, when you are talking to her, don't resort to being petty as your emotions might urge you to do.

Try to treat her with respect and honesty- set the precedent for how she is expected to respond.

Otherwise it will turn into a high school locker room brawl, complete with petty jabs.

Good luck!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> I wish you luck, I really do.
> 
> I advise you to attempt to be the bigger person- that is, when you are talking to her, don't resort to being petty as your emotions might urge you to do.
> 
> ...


Yeah after two marriages you start to learn that there are petty fights full of insults(and we have had many of those), and then there are "talks" where neither one raises their voice and each person gives their reason for wanting to fix it OR end it. I am hoping for the latter after she gets back into town on Monday night.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Proved what point; that only ONE out of the 4 women I've been with were actually into and enjoyed sex beyond the first year or so(which aren't very good odds)?


No, that when I corrected somebody for speaking for ALL women, and you said that you agreed with her, you, in turn, were condoning the idea that ALL women were the same.

By bringing up your ex, you proved my point. You can not speak for ALL women.

My dispute was never about ratios.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> No, that when I corrected somebody for speaking for ALL women, and you said that you agreed with her, you, in turn, were condoning the idea that ALL women were the same.
> 
> By bringing up your ex, you proved my point. You can not speak for ALL women.
> 
> My dispute was never about ratios.


Oh no I don't think it's _all_ women just more than half of them in my opinion.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> This February will mark _one year _ without sex in my house(that wasn't solo)which is very very depressing, so is anyone else in my same boat or even close?


yeah, it did happen to me a few years ago. There had been periods of forced celibacy, but that was the first time it went over a year.

Trust me when I say you must show her she will directly pay a price for her ignorance of your needs / her responsibilities. Be around less for, do less for, and spend less on her. I did just that and it caught my ex's attention, bringing her to the decision point where she had to sh!t or get off the pot. You may even want to develop some game and show you could upgrade from her in short order if you chose.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Hey I had an ex that loooooved sex and was very good at it, but she was the _only one _ out of the 4 women I've slept with my whole life, and the others(my wife included)simply lost interest after like a year and sex was not important to them. And I have heard many many many other guys give that same claim about their women too.


Cee Paul,

I'm curious about something (if you don't mind answering a question):

Did your wife ever express resentment that you had sexual partners before her? Or, did she ever make herself out to be a superior person (like, those other women that liked sex were just trashy or loose)?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

One year no sex = dead marriage to me. But that's just me =/

I would walk


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think it is important to consider what it may be saying about her opinion of the marriage's state when she has apparently reached the place where she punishes and judges you. Its really hard to believe that she would be open to improving the sex life without something drastic to address the underlying causes.

In the past, I think you mentioned that she judged you for not being more interested in developing your career potential. Then she punishes you for what you admit to be vulgar names and rotten things that you called her. Right or wrong, some people simply cannot get past these things and still coexist intimately without strong assurances that it won't ever happen again.

I'm not trying to transfer the blame to you. I can see how much this hurts you, and that you want to move on to build a closer relationship if there is even a slight possibility. My only point is that I think it is really important to address the reasons that she has seemingly demoted you to a person she can judge, admonish, instead of a husband who is equal. Stressing the lack of sex without clearly expressing your determination to fix the real conflict, and how being treated this way is unacceptable to you, may be futile, because she may have, in effect, already made up her mind that she won't let you back into such an intimate relationship, and merely unable to make it official. I really hope you can recapture what you had.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

DTO said:


> Cee Paul,
> 
> I'm curious about something (if you don't mind answering a question):
> 
> Did your wife ever express resentment that you had sexual partners before her? Or, did she ever make herself out to be a superior person (like, those other women that liked sex were just trashy or loose)?


It's only been mentioned once or twice during angry arguements, but I think you will find that most women do not wanna hear what you did with your previous lovers and it's sure to piss them off.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

DTO said:


> yeah, it did happen to me a few years ago. There had been periods of forced celibacy, but that was the first time it went over a year.
> 
> Trust me when I say you must show her she will directly pay a price for her ignorance of your needs / her responsibilities. Be around less for, do less for, and spend less on her. I did just that and it caught my ex's attention, bringing her to the decision point where she had to sh!t or get off the pot. You may even want to develop some game and show you could upgrade from her in short order if you chose.


You have to remember that my wife has a good career making great money(almost twice what I make), is very cute, and was independent and on her own for 3 years before we met; so she is not going to be easily intimidated by me or any other man unless you are some hunky millionaire type maybe.

I may have bitten off more than I can chew with her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

testr72 said:


> but this is becoming a real issue for me, im fantasizing about other women much more than before. i hope this situation improves but like i said i will give it more time for now. im planning to sit down and talk to her about this issue soon.


So, I see that there is a fair amount of space between the first two kids. How long after the first one was born did you resume sex? Was it a relationship thing or was it geared towards TTC?

If she thrives on that family thing consider using that as the motivation for her to improve her behavior. Tell her she seems overloaded given her inability to meet your needs and you are bearing the brunt of the poor planning as a result. So, as a result, you will push yourself harder around the home so she has the time and energy to give back sexually. But, that will be really stretching yourself and you cannot see adding any more responsibility to your plate for the forseeable future.

You aren't accusing her of anything, just noting that adding more responsibility to the family is unacceptable, as is you not getting your needs met. Your wife could decide that your stance is reasonable and happily agree to that compromise. Or, she could be want another child or maybe a bigger home, nicer lifestyle, etc. and read between the lines that those things aren't happening under current circumstances. Either way, she would know change is coming and it's better to be on board.

Of course, she could say that she chooses to not have sex as it's not a big deal and she would rather do for the kids, you'd better do more anyways, etc. That would be unfortunate, but at least you would know where you stand and act appropriately, (that would be a good time to "fire a shot across the bow" and start a 180).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> You have to remember that my wife has a good career making great money(almost twice what I make), is very cute, and was independent and on her own for 3 years before we met; so she is not going to be easily intimidated by me or any other man unless you are some hunky millionaire type maybe.
> 
> I may have bitten off more than I can chew with her.


No such thing as "biting off more than you can chew". You did not marry out of your league, much as your wife might want you to believe you did.

Women of average looks and with average jobs can still be conceited and self-centered. The only thing that matters is whether she is meeting your need, and if not what needs to happen to make it so she does or you find someone else.

But, if _she thinks_ she is out of your league and proceeds to treat you accordingly, your solution needs to be to find someone who will consider you a good catch.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> It's only been mentioned once or twice during angry arguements, but I think you will find that most women do not wanna hear what you did with your previous lovers and it's sure to piss them off.


Hmm, yes bringing it up in an argument is not the best move, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about an attitude of "well, who did you do that with", which really is just another way of calling you a pervert and trying to make you feel bad for your sexuality.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

DTO said:


> Hmm, yes bringing it up in an argument is not the best move, but that's not what I'm talking about.
> 
> I'm talking about an attitude of "well, who did you do that with", which really is just another way of calling you a pervert and trying to make you feel bad for your sexuality.


No she has never done that with me, and I actually had to teach her a couple of things in the beginning that she never heard of and some she enjoyed and others she did not. But like with my ex all it took was me massaging her breast a little(with clothes on), or maybe making out with her for a minute or two and she was - HOTT & READY. But with my wife all the stars have to be aligned and rose pedals falling from heaven to get her in the mood.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: Closing in on one year....*



DTO said:


> yeah, it did happen to me a few years ago. There had been periods of forced celibacy, but that was the first time it went over a year.
> 
> Trust me when I say you must show her she will directly pay a price for her ignorance of your needs / her responsibilities. Be around less for, do less for, and spend less on her. I did just that and it caught my ex's attention, bringing her to the decision point where she had to sh!t or get off the pot. You may even want to develop some game and show you could upgrade from her in short order if you chose.


I tried this strategy for a year, I only gave her more ammunition and justification for not having anything to do with me,, gasoline on the fire so to speak, which means she is a lost cause,,


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