# Second marriage finances/BIZARRE



## danieli (Jun 8, 2010)

so my fiance got fired for not listening. His friend and neighbor took him in after his divorce, gave a room to rent and a job. He was told to do somethning no one else wanted to do and he refused and got fired. I was separated and took him in he said he had very little money but would help with the house repairs maintenance. My ex (who had relocated and left me holding the bag of finances and the kids) said that my new tenant could now be responsible for me and my bills and he now suddenlty wanted his share of the house. My fiance at that exact moment signed his house over to his ex wife who refinanced it and took the money and foreclosed the house. The Judge said that being that I could not afford to upkeep the house , to sell but I refinanced 100K and gave it to my ex. My fiance did work around the house but very soon got bored. Since I was a stay at home mom who babysat for income (4 to 5 kids at a time) I had no real skills. I went out and got an office job p/t. I had asked my fiance to take 17K of my refi off my back so I could refi once again and pay off c/c bills and home repairs. He did so but for spite went out and bought a brand new truck at the same time telling me he did so on spite because I wanted to have a nice home. I explained to him that it was my only equity I had lost the 401K as well in the divorce. It wasnt worth anything. He gives me what he can for house bills, when he can, if he can. Some months I have to borrow from my parents who now live with me and i provide complete elder care for them as well as my children, cook, clean, laundry, take care of all the "responsbilities" of the home, i.e. home owner insurance, car insurance, health insurance, umbrella policy, home repair, home improvement all his family functions, etc. I was given a car that was 10 years old by my dad. I asked my fiance to pay the 60 per month so we could keep it and he screamed at me for two hours saying he couldnt afford it. Today, he informed me he was making a purchse of a motor bike and putting 50 a month aside for same. He was paying my health insurance and giving me that much less at the end of the month so essentially I am paying my own health insurance. It has been cancelled for non payment as I had to choose to pay the mortgage. He told me he cannot wait to sell this house when my parents are no longer with us, he is very good tothem, andwhen the kids get older and retire comfortably somewhere. I told him that since when he got divorced and gave his kids the house, I was going to do the same. He asked me where we wer going to get monehy to live. He then informed me that he was going to take more money out of his paycheck and put it in 401 K so he could retire at 55??? which would mean even less moneyh for me. He racked up thousands of dollars in c/c bills to give his kids 400 per month over and above child support and alimony which he was not required to his exwife and now has c/c debt he cannot pay. What do you all think? He is a good man with a good heart who would care for me in illness but refuses to be financially responsible. WHAT ARE THE RULES FOR FINANCES FOR SECOND MARRIAGES??? I am using up all my salary my parents rent and my child support.


----------



## IRISH13 (Jul 28, 2010)

You are not married to him. Go find another man who wants to build a life with you.


----------



## danieli (Jun 8, 2010)

Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes you just need to hear what you already know. Scarey, but faith will come in handy. Thanks again.


----------



## akabob (Aug 2, 2010)

Married for 2nd time almost 2 year ago. I hadn't worked for 7 years (stayed at home with 3 kids after career as commercial insurance account executive and as trailing spouse), but was working for 8 months when married. 

When I met my new wife, first divorce was finalizing and I had plenty of money to do as I pleased. My ex put me through the ringer emotionally (long story of a sociopath), separated me from my support base during the separation/divorce years, had affair in front of my eyes, etc. After divorce final, my ex then decided to move away, a bizarre set of circumstances lead to her suing me to move the children with her, which she lost. 

I dated new wife while 1st divorce was being finalized. I wasn't emotionally ready for a new relationship or marriage, but I stuck with her. I had my kids 1/2 the time, had money and we had fun together with all the free time and cash. She is my same age, never married, no kids, and comes from an extremely disfunctional family background.

When the suit to move the kids ensued, I decided to stick with the relationship, probably subconsciencely felt I needed the support to fight the custody battle, but truly wasn't in love. We ultimately married and won custody battle, so we have kids during the school year. She has had same job for 20 years.

Nothing but conflict in our marriage. We cannot resolve our conflicts and they get really ugly. I don't like how she handles my kids as well. OK, onto the finances.

She owned a house prior to our marriage. She had a great deal of CC debt as well. She really didn't divulge how much, but assured me she would pay it off when house sold. Fast forward - real estate market changed as we prepared to house to sell. In the meantime, I paid down in excess of $40K of her CC debt, while paying huge legal bills for custody battle. I also paid $15,000 to sell her house, this with the financial assistance of my family.

Up until I recently ran her credit I did not have on paper what her financial liabilities were. She claimed she told me, but never showed me. It was pretty much intentional non-disclosure. But she insists I put her on the title of my home I bought prior to our marriage and for which she has not contributed a penny to mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc. I refuse to do so. It is like our finanances are unofficially seperate.

She has lived her previous life in debt, much CC dept and mortgages. She does not control her spending, her income is not increasing, I just don't know her thought processes about finances. She is a financial nightmare. She spend most of her income paying down CC cards, going to multiple "wellness" visits per week, paying he doggie expenses and what ever else she buys. Other than covering my/kids health insurance through her work, she contributes relatively little financial to support "our" lives. I put a roof over her head, pay insurance, two car payments, utilities, etc. 

I come from fairly well-off background, but have hit rock bottom financially and have a currently low paying sales job, child support to me is pretty significant. I am depressed, probably have been for some time and struggle to get out of the house and work my sales job. I am tired of going to my family for financial help. My highly conflicted marriage makes it very difficult for me to focus on sales job and succeed. The woman is just bringing me down. She is close to two of my kids, but my heart says we cannot fix this. I married her a the wrong time and for the wrong reasons. I need to fix myself as a man and provider to my kids. We fight over the dogs I didn't want, and now she wants them to sleep with us. They are barely potty trained and ruining the white $10K carpet she insisted we install in my house. This relationship is killing me.

What is your advice?


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

To the OP, let me tell you this very plainly. Your fiance is not in any way a "good man with a good heart," he is a freeloading manipulator who will stop at absolutely nothing to have his way. If you marry him, he will bleed you completely dry and leave you when you and your family members run out of cash.

Get the hell out, right now, while you still can. GET OUT. OUT!


----------



## danieli (Jun 8, 2010)

i would have to move out of this house/state, and put my parents somewhere else...so, of course, since i don't wnt to hurt the kids, or the parents, and think of everyone before myself, this is why i wind up in situations like this. i've learned there is a fine line between being too good and too stupid and learned it the hard way. Thanks for your input. I have a high stress job, kids and parents, and I'm trying to make something out of myself, so i can support myself, and kids. I want to take care of my parents for their needs too At the last fight, bf says he will stay and support finances until that time. He moved out once before and moved in with.....you guessed it...another woman who took him in for very little money. the ONLY OTHER QUESTION I HAVE IS HOW DO I WAIT UNTIL THAT TIME. NO MATTERHOW HARD I try or NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT HE DID, I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET how he took advantage,knowingly...i just want to forget andmove on....


----------



## danieli (Jun 8, 2010)

hi, im very good at giving advice but cant seem to utilize it for myself.lol..anyhow, i was given some very sage advice and would like to pass it on to you. Take your situation and look at it one small boulder at a time instead of as a whole mountainous problem. Straighten out/separate your finances...take time out for yourself, don't be afraid to be alone with yourself, it's my best therapy. Take your energy and use it toward making more out of yourself instead of toward a relationship that is not fulfilling. Fulfill yourself by doing things you enjoy. Work toward a degree or certificate program to put yourself in a better financial position. Realize that you have children and that is where your truest blessing comes in. Don't let life allow you to miss any more time enjoying them. Last but not least see if you can salvage anything from your relationship, take a step back. Maybe things just got too complicated and came between you. There are many counseling sessions you can attend. If it doesn't work and you gave it your best shot, then I suppose you can put your head on the pillow at night knowing you did just that...your best. Now, if I could only get my stuff together. haha good luck toyou


----------



## danieli (Jun 8, 2010)

P.S. Going to several differnt attorneys for their free one hour initial consult will help give you insight as to where you stand re the house and title. Sometimes in putting our lives back together, we have to tear them apart first.


----------

