# Future Relationship with the other



## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

A few months ago I caught my wife having an 

"inappropriate" relationship with a long-time 

friend of mine. The relationship was supposedly 

"platonic" but they spent a lot of time alone 

and my wife would lie to me about where she 

was. I eventually caught them red-handed (the 

furthest they went is inappropriate talking and 

hugging for consolation) and there was a 

confrontation. 

I told my wife that I wanted to completely 

change the relationship with the family of the 

other party. We were family friends we have 

kids of the same age etc...

I gave her some specific demands:
1. She is never to go to their home
2. She is not supposed to run errands for them 

except in extenuating circumstances.
3. No contact with the husband whatsoever
4. The husband is not allowed in our home, the 

rest of the family is welcome to parties 
5. She is not to take our kids to their 

children's birthday parties etc... (they are 

family affairs)
6. My family members are not to be hosted by 

them.

My wife thinks I am going to far.
She wants the families to be ok, she doesnt 

want a relation with the guy anymore although 

he was her close friend because she doesm't 

want to hurt me and she asking me to forgive. 

She just wants our families to function alright 

in public together (this paragraph was my 

wife's words).


I feel extremely betrayed by both my wife and 

the friend and can't stomach being so 

disrespected and betrayed and just going on 

with a relationship with them.

we've agreed to take a vote on a forum and go 

with the the majority opinion. Or any good 

suggestions that are made.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you're being fair, maybe too fair. I do think you let your wife off the hook too easily. Her "platonic" relationship is an emotional affair and the marital boundaries appeared to be progressively slipping.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

wifehubby said:


> A few months ago I caught my wife having an
> 
> "inappropriate" relationship with a long-time
> 
> ...


Number one,why do you believe any of this? You need to give more info than this to get an opinion. How do you KNOW the affair is over? If its because they told you, people that cheat lie like dogs. They have already proven that to you.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

wifehubby said:


> A few months ago I caught my wife having an
> 
> "inappropriate" relationship with a long-time
> 
> ...


You have a right to ask this of her. Every contact is a trigger for you, she should know that and respect your wishes. I would have no contact what so ever with him or his family.


----------



## Rebuilding (Jan 27, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> You have a right to ask this of her. Every contact is a trigger for you, she should know that and respect your wishes. I would have no contact what so ever with him or his family.


I also think it is fair especially if your wife has "feelings" for him. To the credit of the other poster, you need to figure out if this relationship really just gotten as far as talks and a hug. If it's really bothering you, your wife should comply. Small sacrifice to make if she wants you to be happy. And yes, cheaters do lie...a lot to avoid self incrimination. And this is from a cheater herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

the reason i know it is true is because i told my wife to tell me everything in exact details and that i was going to cross reference it with the other guy and if i found a single difference i was going to expose them. We're actually religious (muslims, my wife even wears the veil....).... and I threatened to expose them to the whole world and that would have ruined both of the individuals. On the last occasion I conducted a sort of sting operation and I also analyzed the timeline (my wife to go pick him up from somewhere at 9pm at night and was back at home by 10pm). My wife and the other guy's wife took their cellphones and checked phone logs etc.... and the other guy was on the phone for part of the time etc..... I also have a signed confession from my wife to keep in case things get out of hand later....

Thanks for all your feedback.. my wife is going to read this. We also have 2 kids which is part of why have been pretty "fair" I have also tried to take into account my wife's complaint that I wasn't caring (etc...) enough.. in the past


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep, I agree with all your boundaries. NO contact with him whatsoever...that is if she wants to be married to you. Oh and she needs to be 100% transparent with you: show you her phone/call logs, email, facebook (oh and sheshould delete him from her FB and email and phone. Block his #).

If she can't swing that, then divorce her. She is lucky enough you are giving her another chance. A lot of men wouldn't. 

Stick to your boundaries. Do not negotiate. *These things should be non-negotiable. *

Oh but you forgot one of the most important things... *you must expose the affair to his wife*. Today. This moment. Immediately. She has a right to know she has been lied to and betrayed by both her husband and your wife (her friend). Do not falter on this, it's actually the VERY first thing you should do: tell her about the affair STAT. Your wife won't want you to do this--she will say it is to protect the OM's marriage and ask you why you are being vindictive and that you should never dream of doing such a thing but ya know what--fvck that. Because the longer you keep the affair a secret, you are actually enabling the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, in the dark, they live on because people don't know about them. So let his wife know. She has every right to know the truth about her marriage and decide for herself what she wants to do. 

TELL HER TODAY.

Oh and I wouldn't share this website with your wife. This is your guide, not hers.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

No contact or limited contact with the Other Man is the best idea for you both to heal. 

Go to marriage counseling and address the issues that allowed this problem to happen.

Stick around on this forum (both of you) because you can learn a lot from other people who have dealt with emotional affairs (which is what you'd call an inappropriate friendship).

Good Luck!


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> YepOh and she needs to be 100% transparent with you: show you her phone/call logs, email, facebook (oh and sheshould delete him from her FB and email and phone. Block his #).
> 
> If she can't swing that, then divorce her. She is lucky enough you are giving her another chance. A lot of men wouldn't.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I had not noticed the poll before.

None of those options work.

The only option should be: "No contact with OM forever if she wants to stay married." That is, if you even want to stay married to her.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> No contact or limited contact with the Other Man is the best idea for you both to heal.


*"Limited contact" doesn't work * if there has been an affair/betrayal. Limited contact = disaster. Limited contact = contact. No contact is the only thing that will work if they want to restore their marriage and if she is serious about being married to her husband after straight up betraying him.


----------



## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep, I agree with all your boundaries. NO contact with him whatsoever...that is if she wants to be married to you.


That is pretty much what I told her. She can choose me or him. At this point I am leaving it up to her....



Jellybeans said:


> Oh and she needs to be 100% transparent with you: show you her phone/call logs, email, facebook (oh and sheshould delete him from her FB and email and phone. Block his #).


Did all that, she lost all rights to privacy, I have instant access to her BB at my request. I searched through everything to get an idea of the depth. Didn't block the # though...



Jellybeans said:


> If she can't swing that, then divorce her. She is lucky enough you are giving her another chance. A lot of men wouldn't.





Jellybeans said:


> Stick to your boundaries. Do not negotiate. *These things should be non-negotiable. *


I am not but I told her that to prove to her that I was being more than reasonable I would post the proposals on a forum to get the feedback of other member to show her that what I was asking for was reasonable given the circumstances.



Jellybeans said:


> Oh but you forgot one of the most important things... *you must expose the affair to his wife*. Today. This moment. Immediately. She has a right to know she has been lied to and betrayed by both her husband and your wife (her friend). Do not falter on this, it's actually the VERY first thing you should do: tell her about the affair STAT. Your wife won't want you to do this--she will say it is to protect the OM's marriage and ask you why you are being vindictive and that you should never dream of doing such a thing but ya know what--fvck that. Because the longer you keep the affair a secret, you are actually enabling the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, in the dark, they live on because people don't know about them. So let his wife know. She has every right to know the truth about her marriage and decide for herself what she wants to do.
> 
> TELL HER TODAY.


I did that at the first minute (part of the sting operation). The other wife is sort of to blame as well because she condoned the private time and thought her husband was helping my wife through a tough time. She told me she also chewed our her husband and I have known her husband for a long time and I have seen how he acts with other Women (I knew him very well) and I told him that I am sure its not his first time crossing boundaries and he would do it again.. I would never not tell the other innocent spouse.




Jellybeans said:


> Oh and I wouldn't share this website with your wife. This is your guide, not hers.


When this happened a few months ago i definitely checked resources like this and took the benefit from other people's experiences. The similarities between most people's experiences is startling. At this point, As I said before this post was to show my wife that my offer was more than fair and to be honest her asking for more is hurtful and offensive in it self. I wish my wife would visit websites like this and discuss what happened with others, it would show she wants to improve but my wife isnt that interested. She sort of just want things to happen around her and if they dont she is unhappy.


----------



## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> No contact or limited contact with the Other Man is the best idea for you both to heal.
> 
> Go to marriage counseling and address the issues that allowed this problem to happen.
> 
> ...


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

*The relationship was supposedly 

"platonic" but they spent a lot of time alone 

and my wife would lie to me about where she 

was. I eventually caught them red-handed (the 

furthest they went is inappropriate talking and 

hugging for consolation) and there was a 

confrontation. *

She has been caught in lie after lie about where she was and what she was doing. You have to doubt that she told the truth about what happened as well. If it was only "platonic" why hide it from you in the first place. Wait let me guess - she didn't think you would "understand". No husband who is committed to his marriage will ever understand or allow his wife to have an emotional relationship with another man. It was and maybe still is an Emotional Affair.

None of your demands are out of line with the situation. Personally, I think she shows little remorse or understanding of how she has betrayed you and your marriage or the pain she has caused.


----------

