# Difficulty doing my work hours



## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

I have posted in a previous thread about an issue with my partner but wanted to write a new thread about a different issue.

Background: I live with my girlfriend and her 13 year old son. We're both in our late 30s and have been together for about six years, living together now for about four years.

My girlfriend has always been a bit sulky when I have to go to work early or when I come home late. Note: for her, early is before 0800 and late is after 1930! That's not really so early or late to me! At the beginning of the relationship I found it sweet that she loved me so much that she was sad I had to go somewhere knowing she'd miss me. For the last couple years though it's become more of a problem than a sweet relationship aspect. Lately it's becoming a serious annoyance as I feel like I don't have space to breathe in my life between keeping my work commitments and keeping her happy.

I work in an office and though I have flexible hours, I have to put in 40 hours per week which equates to 8 hours per day. We've had some redundancies lately so it's critical I do a good job, stay out of trouble, and do my hours.

My girlfriend doesn't like it if I come home late so I try to get in work early on a morning (leave the house at around 0740) and return home at around 1830 on an evening. The commute to work is long so I lose around 2 to 2.5 hours per day on travelling. That means, if I leave at 0735, I will get into work around 0845-0850. Then I need to work until around 1730 (taking 30 mins for lunch) and get home for around 1830 (or 1845-1900 if I stop by the shop to get food for making dinner!).

Lately though I have not been able to do my hours because of some appointments (e.g. viewing apartments in our apartment search). As a consequence it's been important that I leave "on time" so that I try to do my hours. She doesn't like it though. Normally I give her a kiss on a morning when I leave, but one morning she told me doesn't want a kiss and I should "just leave and go to work" in an unkind way. Recently she commented that my "job is more important than my family". That's a tough one. The family is more important to me otherwise I'd be working 10 hour days like my colleagues. But my job is important because without it we would face financial misery.

Does anyone else have this situation where they or there partner have problems with the other one going to work? Or am I alone with a crazy person here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your situation is unusual. I presume that she does not work and you support her? How does she intend to live if you are home with her all the time?

Can you move closer to you job to cut down commute time? That's for you. Not so that she can control you time. 2-2.5 hours a day is an awful commute.

What does she do with her day while you are at work? Is she just sitting around waiting for you? 

Why do you have to stop to get things for dinner? Can't she do the grocery shopping, cooking, etc? (again assuming she's a SAHM)


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

Thanks for the reply.

No, she's not a SAHM. She has an afternoon job and is also studying a degree in her part time which means going to uni every day in a morning. She runs around like crazy, hardly getting any time for herself. She is also under a lot a pressure because of these commitments. In fairness, I can definitely say that she is not a slacker. She works hard and gives her son attention even though she has so much to do. 

I'd feel different if she were chilling out being lazy whilst I was running around supporting her but it's not like that. Sure I do support with rent, bills, and helping out. She also pays some bills and gets food every now and again. If I wasn't working we would not survive on her income alone.

I could move closer to the job but then her son would have to move school and she would have difficulties getting to her work. I don't like the idea of moving his school. I was moved as a child every few years and see what effect it has.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MK, as I mentioned in your other thread, I fail to see the appeal of this relationship. She treats you very very poorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Didn't you read the replies from your other post about finding an apartment. Most people felt you should find your own apartment as your girlfriend is crazy and controlling. This post proves those replies are correct and you should get your own place. You are a puppet and she doesn't respect you. She isn't your wife so she really has no say on what hours you should work.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

She's ridiculous.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Seems she is very insecure. The only resolves are, you cut ties as being beaten up for working what I would consider not long days is simply out of control and or moving closer to your job. Sure, the kid will need to change schools but he'll survive. I survived not only a change in schools but a move 6 hours away to boot. 

To be sure, the GF behavior will not change or is assured to change even if you move closer to your work. I don't think I would take the chance to find out.

People who guilt others for working and providing as best you can get my goat.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I leave for work around 7am, and get home around 6:30pm, and sometimes come in on off hours. I try to make sure that I spend a lot of the remaining time with my wife and she is happy with that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Grow a pair. Preferably coincident with leaving her sorry fanny.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

it may be that she feels you don't spend "quality" time with her. I used to get that from my wife. I'd leave at 6:30 in the morning and get home at 6:30 at night. By the time you get through dinner, clean-up, kid's homework there's no time left for you two.

Plus if you're doing things like your own hobby on the weekends that also cuts into quality time for the two of you.

But you may have to take the hard line on this and explain that your job goes a long way to supporting her and her son and if she isn't supportive/understanding about the hours, maybe you aren't the right guy for her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet? That's your solution.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well my first thought when she said job is more important than family is that you are not married and therfore you are not a family.

This is what you do, tell her that you are going to work 40 hours per week and drive a certain amount of time (whatever your commute is) and if she does not like it she should break up with you and find a man who does not work 40 hours per week. But if she chooses to stick with you, then you tell her you expect to be treated with respect.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

So, she expects you to..

-Work less than 40 hrs at your job (the normal work week)
-Find an apartment on your own, but Wait for her to be available to see it, and despite your honest efforts, she doesn't seem to give you any credit or appreciation?
-Do all the cooking, cleaning, etc
-Give the master bedroom to her teenager?


What does SHE bring to the table? Why are you with this woman?


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

Thanks to @turnera for the suggestion on the book "No More MR Nice Guy" by Dr Robert A Glover. 

I started reading it this weekend. So far it might as well have been written about me. There's no doubt that her behaviour is unacceptable but I see that I am enabling her with my nice guy act, exchanging "everything I do for her" for "approval, love, and respect". No wonder she acts that way; I put her on the pedestal.

I could leave. There's good reason to. I could stay, there's also good reason to. For all the bad, there's a hell of a lot of good in this relationship.

If there's something you do not like there are three possibilities:
1) Accept it (Stay and do nothing)
2) Change it (Stay and work for change)
3) Leave it (Refuse to accept and leave)

I'm going to give option 2 a try.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's no reason for you to leave...as long as you change YOU. There are two other books you need to read after that one, which will solidify for you what you have to change. The first is Married Man Sex Life Primer, which shows you how to be 'the man' that she will jump through hoops for. The second is Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., which will show you how and why you should maintain a healthy balance between being devoted to her (and kid) and devoted to what's important in YOUR life.

I don't remember if it's actually in the book but every time I think of it I think of a story of a guy who plays basketball with his pals every Saturday morning. He marries and, over time, she starts griping more and more about this 'bball time' so he just ends up giving it up to please her. But then HE suffers and she's no more happy than she was before. What he needed to do was find a balance, physical and mental, where he devotes part of his time to his marriage/family and part of his time to his guy friends and his basketball Saturday mornings. Once he can show that he WILL put his family first - within reason, he and his wife can accept that he deserves and needs time to himself as well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Don't uproot the child's school life. You two are not married. I would not move my kids for a boyfriend, sorry, I just wouldn't.

She can't dictate your work hours, that's ridiculous! But yeah, like the other posters have said - what is the good stuff in this relationship, she treats you poorly in general, not just on this issue.


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

Since there were a few questions about what's good in this relationship. I thought I'd write some plus(+)/minus(-) points. To be honest, some of the minus points are so serious that the advice will probably be to leave the relationship.

+ she's funny and makes me laugh
+ spirited (she's strong willed and I love that; even if it makes things a little difficult sometimes)
+ she has interesting thoughts/opinions on topics I'm interested in.
+ debating on topics (e.g. health care, psychology) is interesting, fun, and challenging (as she often has a different but valid opinion than me)
+ shared interested in music (listening and playing)
+ great fun watching movies together
+ have lots of fun when we do things together (going for drives, bike rides, walking, kayaking, holidays, concerts). Even if we haven't gone out enough for a while.
+ cooking together is fun
+ her cooking and cakes are amazing
+ she laughs at my jokes
+ her sense of humour
+ nice massages
+ Great sex life
+ Very giving mum and caring to her son
+ We are close (despite the negatives, she is my best friend, who I talk about things with, who I speak to a few times during the day when we're apart) 
- Jealous (I can be jealous too but she takes it waaay too far. Very extreme. It was her jealousy and false accusations that caused me to leave the relationship once)
- Jealous (did I mention jealousy? ;-) ). I could be looking at a nice tree but she thinks I'm looking at some hot women I haven't even seen. Her accusations and reactions can ruin a perfectly beautiful day. If I tell the truth and deny looking, she accuses me of lying, and things can descent into a very nasty conflict.
- Needy (I can be needy too, but I feel that I respect her desires to be independent and go out than she does mine)
- Takes offense easily and reacts with anger/unkindness (e.g. misunderstanding something I said can lead to her deciding to spend the night on the couch!)
- Jekyll and Hyde. This is a big negative. For all the great things about her, when she goes into this mood it is terrible. Gone is the sweet, loving, funny girl I know replaced by someone possessed by an evil spirit.
- In arguments, she does not respect the fact that when I feel I'm losing my calm, I need to go outside for some fresh air. She calls it a "provocation" to hurt her. As such, I try to avoid going out, which means my anger gets more intense until I explode. Usually this involves saying things like "f*** you", or lately "you b***". Then, everything is my fault, I'm an ar**hole, and the fact I called her a name will be brought up in every argument in the future.
- Sometimes perhaps too giving to her son


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