# His friends don't like me



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

How do you deal with your SO's friends not liking you? My story is long and complicated but cultural differences played a role. I apparently made people uncomfortable by 'showing I disapprove' of their actions. Or by acting certain ways (some of which were needy and stupid years ago, I admit) how do you deal? What would you do?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

It's really hard to say without knowing the situation. My husband has distanced himself from a friend because of the friend's actions toward me in the past. If it's a situation where your SO's friends acted inappropriately towards you and you disapproved of that behaviour is it much different than if you disapproved of say their party habits.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My knee jerk reaction is, your SO is or should no longer be friends with them. But really hard to say given the info.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Basically they don't like me for who I am I guess. He says I make them uncomfortable but wouldn't give me specifics. Some of them, 6 years ago, I got too close to and was insecure and then backed off. So I completely understand those. But in general, he says I make a few of our friends uncomfortable and his sister. It's one of the reasons he "no longer loves me" and gets "validation" that I am a person "who gets mad easily." Etc. I dunno. I'm feeling hurt. Like, I get it. Not everyone will like me. But I just don't know what to do. What do I do? Do I go around apologizing? Ignore it? How do I live with myself knowing I don't make people comfortable and they don't like me?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

People aren't always going to get along, or like each other. The main thing is that they be respectful towards you and your relationship, even if they cannot be friends with you as well. If your husband is telling you he no longer loves you, chances are it isn't due to his friends. There are other issues within the relationship, that need to be addressed, and perhaps some distance from anyone outside the marriage would be beneficial at this point.

Tell him that the two of you need to work on your relationship without outside influence. Tell him that this isn't how you want to continue and you want him to make an effort, just as you will. Don't worry about what people outside your marriage think at this point, focus on your marriage.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Tikii said:


> People aren't always going to get along, or like each other. The main thing is that they be respectful towards you and your relationship, even if they cannot be friends with you as well. If your husband is telling you he no longer loves you, chances are it isn't due to his friends. There are other issues within the relationship, that need to be addressed, and perhaps some distance from anyone outside the marriage would be beneficial at this point.
> 
> Tell him that the two of you need to work on your relationship without outside influence. Tell him that this isn't how you want to continue and you want him to make an effort, just as you will. Don't worry about what people outside your marriage think at this point, focus on your marriage.


Thanks. It's much bigger than this. He had an EA, won't admit it was an affair, has been dragging me through divorce threats/wanting to reconcile. Then when he discusses reconciling, he tells me why we failed and his reasons are always that I am this horrible judgmental ***** because I like to choose my friends and keep close ones and don't care to have 300 different friends whose morals and values don't agree with mine. I don't ever tell people I don't like them, I just distance myself from them and tell HIM. But apparently, I shouldn't not want to be friends with people who sleep with the nanny and cheat on their wives.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

If he has had an affair, it should be you threatening divorce. He is trying to place the blame on you, instead of taking responsibility for his actions. I think you need to look into the 180, and decide if this marriage is worth continuing. He seems to be trying to tear you down, which is absolutely horrible.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your problem is way bigger than his friend not liking you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

CNS, it sounds like you two are not a good match. When ONE of your partner's friends is hostile, the reason may not have anything to do with you. But when several dislike you, there's usually good reason for them to think that you're not the right person for your partner. 

When I read that he had an EA, and that you're going through all the push/pull of breaking up and getting back, and that he is also making negative statements about you, I think it paints a pretty clear picture. He doesn't respect you. His comments about you to his friends and family feed their negativity. Their negativity about you creates or strengthens his own negative feelings and leads to more unhappiness than was already there. It's true that your relationship with him does not meet his needs well enough to keep him faithful.

I'd conclude that it's time to get rid of the negativity from your life... by booting him.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Thanks. Appreciate the insight. I don't want him but staying with him is easier than divorce right now. And it's killing me how crippled I feel and how bad about myself I feel.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Going through what he's putting you through (emotional abuse btw) has to be worse than going through a divorce. If you don't mind us asking......why/how is staying in this crap of a relationship easier than divorce?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> Going through what he's putting you through (emotional abuse btw) has to be worse than going through a divorce. If you don't mind us asking......why/how is staying in this crap of a relationship easier than divorce?


It's an international marriage, he won't allow me to go back to my country with my son. Nor will he provide for us while we're here. I've been a stay at home mom for 2.5 years and have minimal income working from home. Been trying to get a full-time job with reasonable income to support me and the baby in the very expensive city we live in. So for now I at least have a home even if it's with an abusive jerk. My options are a little bleaker than I'd like. Been working hard to get it all figured out.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. Hold your head up high and do whatever you have to to get yourself and your children out as soon as possible. My prayers and thoughts are with you.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

If you are not in counseling, you should start. Just you, not marriage counseling. 

I wish you luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What country are you in? What are your rights under divorce?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> It's an international marriage, *he won't allow me* to go back to my country with my son. Nor will he provide for us while we're here. I've been a stay at home mom for 2.5 years and have minimal income working from home. Been trying to get a full-time job with reasonable income to support me and the baby in the very expensive city we live in. So for now I at least have a home even if it's with an abusive jerk. My options are a little bleaker than I'd like. Been working hard to get it all figured out.





EleGirl said:


> What country are you in? What are your rights under divorce?


Forget about what HE will or will not allow...what does the law say?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. Hold your head up high and do whatever you have to to get yourself and your children out as soon as possible. My prayers and thoughts are with you.


Thank you.



Twofaces said:


> If you are not in counseling, you should start. Just you, not marriage counseling.
> 
> I wish you luck


I am, thanks. 



EleGirl said:


> What country are you in? What are your rights under divorce?


I'm in the U.S. I'm a dual citizen. In my country I can have full custody if I divorce there and keep my child there and have a decent life. But that also means abduction in the U.S., and I can't/won't do that. He won't move there, or move to a cheaper state or provide or anything. It's just that he's done and but not done. In but out, and won't give me any reasonable options.



IndyTM said:


> Forget about what HE will or will not allow...what does the law say?


The law basically forces me to share custody with him. Which is what he wants. I don't know how what financial legal obligations he has. I have a lawyer but we're waiting on him to act first. He supposedly is talking to one today. He goes from trying to reconcile to telling me I suck to not wanting to allow me to breathe. I don't know. I'm drowning and can't believe I'm in this nightmare.


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