# A week and a half later....



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

ok so a week and a half ago my H told me he wanted to move out, after I confronted him about a relationship with another woman and he refused to remove her from his phone. 

I have been sticking to my 180.. taking care of me and the kids. Barely acknowledging his existance. I even seperate his laundry.. told him that his laundry hamper his full and he should do some of it, while I was folding me and the kids' laundry. 

I've not been on for a week because I have been seriously sick, starting to feel somewhat better, but still not sure what I have. It started with chest pain, and nausea. I thought maybe acid reflux or just bad heart burn at first. But this persisted for a few days. One of 'our' friends came over to check on me one night because I told him how sick I have been. He looked at my H and said, "man you should get her to the doctor" to which my H replied, "shes a big girl, if she needs to go to the doctor she can get herself there and quit whining, she knows where the ER is if shes in that much pain"

So you guessed it, I drove myself to the ER. They did an EKG and a CT scan all came back clear. They think I have a virus in my lungs because the pain is more intense with activity. ( my doc thinks it might be anxiety and panic attacks due to the current strain in my marriage) anyway.. enough about my health.

So today H asks me what I have planned for the weekend. He knows I've been sick... and the kids are going away for 4 days. My plan was to rest up and feel better. So then he proceeds to tell me, there is a party (in another state) that his sister has asked him to go to, so hes going to go do that. I say ok cool whatever. Now, OW is sisters best friend, so OW will probably be there. I shouldn't care right? He obviously doesn't give 2 sh*ts about me.. so why does this pi$$ me off so much? He already said hes moving out.. so friggin MOVE OUT ALREADY! 

I've decided no matter how I feel this weekend.. F*CK it.. I'm goin out too!

Oh, and I called my H's family to tell them whats been going on... my sister-in-laws response was, "oh that would be cool if they got together, i would have a sister in law I like" and my mother-in-laws response "i think you are over reacting, maybe you need to just give him more sex".. really!?!? and my own mothers response to whats going on.. yet again.. is a resounding, "can't you just suck it up and deal with it? He will get over this behavior in time"

Great support systems and family i got huh....


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> ok so a week and a half ago my H told me he wanted to move out, after I confronted him about a relationship with another woman and he refused to remove her from his phone.
> 
> I have been sticking to my 180.. taking care of me and the kids. Barely acknowledging his existance. I even seperate his laundry.. told him that his laundry hamper his full and he should do some of it, while I was folding me and the kids' laundry.
> 
> ...


You really need to sit him down and talk to him about all this...., if he still doesn't listen, maybe either go to marriage councilling or ask him for a break- time apart for a bit. It doesn't help the fact that your family arn't supportive. At the moment, you seem to be going through a lot. Giving him more sex- That will only make him want you more sexually and not properly. Like I said before, sit down, talk, if that doesn't work, you may need councilling or something. Sorry if I'm not much help, I'm trying to give you the best advice I can. Suck it up and deal with it- That isn't easy when you think there is a possible chance he's cheating or going to leave you. If he does move out, make sure he still sees the kids because you should never use children as a weapon and none of it is their fault....

Try and be positive and strong.
xBaby-Louisex


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

oh we talked once.. i don't plan to talk to him about it again, the last time we talked he refused to remove OW number from his phone, and he told me he wanted to seperate. So I'm done talking.. I'm now on the acting approach. 

I'm taking care of me, spending lots of extra time with my kids, and I'm making new friends. When he decides other woman is not exactly everything he dreamed of.. it will be too late.. I will have moved on.

I guess I just posted this to update everyone on whats going on.. and well.. The anger never ends does it? When he told me about the party and going to go out drinking all weekend with his sister and OW.. i wanted to beat his f*cking head in and pull a lorena bobbit...

But i just said, "ok cool" .. and walked away.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> \
> 
> I've decided no matter how I feel this weekend.. F*CK it.. I'm goin out too!
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, I'm confused...do you mean you're showing up to the same party or just going out for the weekend? 

BTW, I luv the part about making him fold his own laundry.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If your lung(s) are hurting (when you cough, sneeze or laugh), it could be an infection in the lining. Its called plueracy. I had it in the navy from the damp sleeping compartments. Take care of yourself.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

oh no i'm not going to the same party.. its in another state, and I really don't care to see my H flaunting his other woman around in our home town. 

I will be going out here, with some of my friends. Just to shoot some darts and have some time for me. Maybe have a laugh, and enjoy myself.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats a very hard position to be in, and I am sorry you are going through this. Take whatever comfort you can knowing you are not the only one going through this. The support structures you have in terms of his family seem to not care, and are evidently extremely immature, as well as your own mother who has no better suggestion. 
I am dealing with someone who refuses to accept their responsibility. It is as if that part of the brain function to say wow, this is my fault, and I fked up so let me help to repair it, is not there. Unfortunately I am not seeing how I can make that work. If he refuses marriage counseling, and refuses to end it with the OW, I think if I were you I would be getting some of these activities of his on paper, as evidence to support your claims in divorce court. When it comes time to nail him on emotional abandonment, infidelity, or whatever else, you have something showing that it is what is happening. Wish I had better advice. Ive called 2 marriage counselors already and havent heard a word back from either.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H and I seperated once a year ago.. that time I left him.. for almost the same issues. He did not have a OW yet, but he was in a very dark and nasty place, and I felt it better to remove my kids and I from that situation. 

He agreed to MC and IC, and trying to work it out. After 4 sessions our MC said, "i think you guys can handle this on your own and there is no need for another session to be scheduled." I am still in IC, H is not, he also quit his SA meetings.

And now it's all crashing down again. This time there is a OW. I am in the stage where, I tried fighting for this marriage once already, I am not fighting for it again. I'm angry, I'm hurt, but I'm not going to be his doormat anymore. I'm not going to let his decisions hurt me, or my kids anymore. I am so emotionally disconnected from him right now, its hard for me to even see the man I fell in love with at the age of 17 anymore. I look at him and get angry.. 15 years for this? I look at him and feel nothing but that anger.. There is a thin line between love and hate however. Right now I HATE him. Love is void.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You mentioned in another post that you were going to pack his things and leave them outside in the driveway.

Think about changing the locks, too. 

Before my sister got a divorce, her husband would leave for days at a time. When he was away one time, she got new locks and an alarm/security system on the house. When he finally came back, she met him in the drive way, took him out to dinner and dropped the bombshell.

She told him all the locks had been changed in his absense, told him about the security alarm, told him she wanted the divorce. Told him that if he needed anything out of the house, he would have to contact our father and they'd go in together and get it for him.

After the bombshell they walked out of the restaraunt and her friends were waiting for her outside to walk her to her car in case he tried anything.

Prepare for his reaction when you drop the bombshell so he can't get the upper hand over you.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yes I finally made the decision to throw his stuff out. He told me over a week ago that he wanted to move out.. and hes still here. So, I'm going to help him out! 

I rented an apartment last may when we seperated. So the apartment is in my name, and he doesn't have a key. I only recieved one set from the landlord and I have them on me at all times. I do have to take some steps to help myself today while he is at work... I need to file for child support. He told me he would still help pay rent and bills when he moves out, but I fail to believe him.

I have to say, knowing this will all be over soon, I feel a weight is lifting from my shoulders. For over a week now, I kept wondering.. is this the day hes moving out? Is this the day I will have to tell my kids that daddy is moving out? I'm sick of walking on eggshells about it... time to p*ss or get off the pot.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do make sure this is a formal legal separation and he pays his full share of all bills and support, take the maximum you can from the savings before you file for seperation and sit on them, why leave the money in his care he is only going to spend it on the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

You know, after a long period of waiting - inertial paralysis - movement is difficult, but the best thing for you in the end.

I can wrap my head, with some effort, around his family's response, but I have to admit being flabbergasted by your mom's. Different generations is the only thing I can come up with, and it sounds hollow even to my own ears. I'm so sorry she's unable to support your need to lead a life with at least a chance at happiness.

Go out with the girlfriends and have yourself a wonderful time. Go to Wal-Mart and browse. Take a long-a** drive, just get out and do something for you. 

Formal, legal separation is probably is must if you're not sure he will continue with the financial responsibilities he's already undertaken.

Be well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Lily. I just saw on another thread where you postd he cheated on you a yr into your marriage with an ex. And he's cheating now with his sister's best friend.

Let him go. 

As for your SIL's comments--that's too bad she had such a crass way of responding to you but ya know what, you're better off w/o any of these folks in your life.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm trying to find the strength to move on as well. I'm going to sit down and write out the big long list of all the horrible things he's ever done to me in the past 15 years (this includes leaving me when I was pregnant for OW back in 2003 and taking our savings, about $3,000 and leaving me homeless with 2 young sons and a newborn daughter) It is hard to have to re-live all those painful memories. I have really buried them deep down inside of me. But it's probably time I brought them back to light and use them for my advantage.
As soon as I have the go ahead to legally get my H out of the house, his stuff will be in the yard and the locks will be changed.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Lilyan I can sympathize with you on this one! My H has been having an affair for almost 4 months. He came to me 5 wks ago and told me he "wasn't feeling it" anymore. He said he wanted to separate but he wouldn't leave at the time because he had no where to go and not enough money in our bank acct. to leave. So I let him stay for a about a week and a half before I found out he was cheating on me and told him he would have to find someplace else to stay if he was going to continue the affair. He would leave and come back to shower. Finally I told him he needed to go for good. So he left.

But at some point he decided he wasn't completely ready for our marriage to be over and said that he wanted to take baby steps to work on it. I was very happy at first...until I realized he had no intentions of dumping the OW. We "tried" to make things work for the last couple weeks. Sometimes he would very weakly tell me that he had ceased contact with her, but then someone would tell me they spotted him around town with her. I finally wised up and realized that he's just not that into me anymore. If he was he would end the affair. End of story. I'm filing for divorce next week and he just rented a house. So I guess this is where it ends for us. I'm moving on and have bitter sweet feelings about it. On one hand I miss him like crazy. But on the other hand I know I deserve so much better and look forward to future without all his BS. 

Good luck to you girl  I have a feeling you'll be just fine.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I am so ready to move on.. its time to find out who Lilyana is without him. I have been with this man since high school. I have been his wife, the mother of his children and so on and so forth.. I'm not even sure who I am anymore.. i got lost in there somewhere with all the drama and bullsh*t..

I'm looking forward to rediscovery!

I have spent the day going through stuff.. packing his things in 4 large totes. I found our marriage license.. was tempted to burn it since it felt like he didn't honor anything it meant anyway.. but figured i might need it so stuck it away. 

Having his stuff all packed up the apartment feels less cluttered... or maybe its my life that feels less cluttered.... I can finaly breath a little better. I'm going to wait to throw him out until I drop the kids off with my parents.. i really don't need them to witness the final face to face argument. 

I can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes I finally grew my own set of b*lls... only mine are located on my chest.. and bigger than his!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I was 19 and my stbx was 20 when we met, and we were 20 and 21 when we married. We are now 34 and 35 years old. I understand about being with them for so long. I think we all make a good support group for each other. I'm sitting here today trying to focus but having an incredibly hard time doing so. I have work to do, I have papers to write for school and all I can do is think about him and her together. It's like a rotten plague of the brain that won't go away.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

______________"WOOF !"_______


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

so im a friggin idiot...

Here i sit crying yet again.. with no one to talk to. 

I was going to throw him out, i was fed up.. i was dead set on DOING it...

I didn't... couldn't.. wouldn't.. i dont know.

he told me he was going out of town to party with his sister friday night.. i let him go.. went out with my own friends had a good night.

Saturday he calls.. says hes thinking abuot staying another night. I knew OW was there. I said, no.. you told me you wanted to move out last sunday, you need to get home, talk to me, we need to figure things out. So after he threw a little tantrum.. 

He came home, but it was awkward.. we really didn't say much to each other, and we both went to bed. (seperately)

Then today, we were hanging out.. actually getting along for the most part.. and his sister calls him like 20 times, asking him what hes doing and what not... then asks him to come over for some beers. ... Really? you were just out drinking on friday with your sister, shes been drinking all weekend.. you have to work tomorrow.. i dont think you need to be going over there and drinking... 

I point blank asked him.. what his plans were for this weekend, because he gets his vehicle back from the shop (which is what i think hes been waiting for to be able to move) 

and he says "im going to play softball on friday" I said " no thats not what im asking, im asking about our descussion last sunday".. he says, "oh, im gonna go to my sisters now do ya care?" .. i looked at him.. choked back my tears and said, "do what you want"...

So now hes over at his sisters.. drinking again.. probably with OW....and here i sit.. alone on easter sunday crying.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> so im a friggin idiot...
> 
> Here i sit crying yet again.. with no one to talk to.
> 
> ...


Aww huni,:-(. Everything will be ok. you're just going through a rough patch at the moment....xx


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Rough patch? 

It feels like my life is over.. Everything I thought.. everything and everyone I believed in and loved is gone...

I have nothing.. I am nothing...


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> Rough patch?
> 
> It feels like my life is over.. Everything I thought.. everything and everyone I believed in and loved is gone...
> 
> I have nothing.. I am nothing...


That's exactly how I feel right now. You've just gotta try n stay strong. But still remember that it's ok to cry. You've got to try and be positive. Things always get worse before they start getting better. Maybe he'll realise soon how mich he loves you and how much he wants to be with you.x


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

If he cared about how I feel.. and he wanted to work on us.. why would he go over there to drink with his sister... and leave me home alone... why wouldnt he ask me to come to? Just so i wouldnt be sitting home alone on a holiday... just so i would feel like i was still a part of his life...

He is still claiming OW is just a friend.. that i'm being a drama queen about it all.. but yet he goes to "party" with his sister every weekend cuz OW is her best friend. 

I did find out that he removed her from his phone... but even if so.. his sister normally never calls like she has all weekend.. non stop since he came home on saturday.. so now im wondering of OW is using his sisters phone...

How do you force NC when OW is ALWAYS with his family?


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> If he cared about how I feel.. and he wanted to work on us.. why would he go over there to drink with his sister... and leave me home alone... why wouldnt he ask me to come to? Just so i wouldnt be sitting home alone on a holiday... just so i would feel like i was still a part of his life...
> 
> He is still claiming OW is just a friend.. that i'm being a drama queen about it all.. but yet he goes to "party" with his sister every weekend cuz OW is her best friend.
> 
> ...


Maybe he is actually wanting to spend time with just his sister...., if that's so then he is probably doing it to try and sort his head out and see what he really wants because it's away from you. When people are trying to decide how they still feel about someone, they take a break from them- time away from that person to try and sort their head out because it gives them time to miss you and that....
You're not being over dramatic because there has got to be a reason for his change in behaviour. But like I said, it could maybe just be nothing. I do understand what you're going through, even though I am only 19, and never been married or had kids. But one of my exes was acting like your husband is. And it turned out that he was actually cheating on me with OW. But yours might not be actually cheating, though, there is a slight chance that he is....
Try talking to him again about it.... ask him what the reason for him leaving is....ask him again about OW....

If he still doesn't give you an answer, you could always threaten to rip his uts off of something...., that usually gets a man talking,haha.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You know what? I'll give it to you plain and simply- GET THE **** OUT OF THERE! Even if after all this, he would try to come back- DON'T TAKE HIM BACK. He's shown his true colors... **** his ****ed-up family too. How can they behave this way? Obviously, the didn't seem to like you after all. You need to worry about yourself now, and dump this DOUCHE-BAG!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lily...get the proof. Could u hire a PI? Or keylog the computer? Don't tell him ur doing this. Once u know u can tell him he can GTFO. Everything points to him having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I am so ready to move on.. its time to find out who Lilyana is without him."

Exactly my point. Are you ready to take the leap, though? Believe me its hard, but this is the moment that people have to change their lives for the better, even if it seems confusing. Only you have the power to change things, don't wait till its TOO late.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

So.. he went to his sisters.. 4 hours later came home.

We had a long talk/argument.. i finally found out the truth.

He told me nothing physical has happened yet. But he has feelings for her. He swears they haven't done anything about it yet. He did tell me his sister has been cohercing with the OW and calling him and stuff.. then passing the phone to OW.

We fought for 3 hours.. I told him point blank.. me or her. But if you choose me, there will be no texts, no calls, and no partying at your sisters anymore. It took him over an hour to agree to this. He confessed he lied to me earlier, he went to the store to pick up some eggs, and didnt come home for two hours, he told me he stopped at his friends house to check out his new bike. During our arguement he admitted to going over to his sisters to have a drink with her and OW.

I really don't know what to do right this second.. I'm on the fence between throwing his ass out, and trying to work it out. I don't think he can give up contact.. it took him forever to say that he would, and the only reason i think he did say he would stop contacting her is because he was tired and ready for bed. He didn't want me to throw him out tonight cuz he would have no car and no where to go. 

Should I trust him again? Because he did confess to an EA... or do you think I'll get the trickle truth thing happening here? 

I'm hurt that his family would allow this to go on knowing he's married to me, and has 2 kids with me... what do i tell them because they are going to ask why I won't let my H go over to his sisters.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

not once during our discussion did he tell me he loves me.

He said he doesn't want to lose his family.. and that its my fault he started feeling something for someone else because I've been pushing him away lately. Do they always blame you? Should I even feel guilty for pushing him away when hes the one thats been lying to me about having feelings for this woman for the last 3 months?


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

It maybe true that you withdrew from sex but that is because he neglected you in favour of cyberbabes.

A woman needs to feel wanted, desired in order to give herself. With your husband sitting jerking off in front of airbrushed babes, or live sex cams means he's been neglecting you and sex loses its sparkle because he's made you feel second best, so don't accept his blaming ways. 

He's trying to deflect everything onto you and frankly you can't believe a word that comes out of his lying, cheating mouth.

Cheaters not only cheat on their spouses, but also to friends, family, co-workers. Their attributes are living a duplicitious life, deception and those that excel in this area are so plausible that people, friends actually believe what they say is the truth.

Next time you know or meet a cheater just remember that nothing they say can be trusted as the truth. 

Don't accept his blame shifting whatsoever. He set the scene by not being 100% in your relationship. No woman in a committed relationship should tolerate porn in this way.

Your relationship is a bit crowded with other sex babes that get priority over you. Jerking off on the net whilst the real thing is in the home, tells you that you are much lower down in his list of priorities....after the porn babes.

He wasn't there for you. Him saying that you "pushed him away" is his way deflecting. He is fully responsible because he made the choice to ruin your relationship by prefering porn over you and it has caused your marriage heartache.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> Should I trust him again?


Not until he either commits to you by adhering to your very clear boundary (ME OR HER) and blocks all communication with her. 

Now you did tell him "Me or her" but what did you say would be the consequence of him choosing her? If it's that he won't get to have you anymore, you *absolutely* have to follow through. If you don't, he will continue to cake-eat.

Do not sleep w/ him at all until he can show you he is done w/ her. She is a slag. Is she single or partnered? If she is the latter, tell her SO.



Lilyana said:


> Do they always blame you?


Almost always. There are rare cases where they will own it and come right out and confess but there is usually a lot of blaming YOU that goes on.

Go to the library or bookstore and read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. It has some really good points in there.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> So.. he went to his sisters.. 4 hours later came home.
> 
> We had a long talk/argument.. i finally found out the truth.
> 
> ...


It's good that he has finally told you the truth. But there might be more that he is keeping from you, but then again, there might not be. Why don't you suggest to H that you both go over to his sisters together. That way, he still sees his sister, but you're there so nothing will probably happen with OW.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> not once during our discussion did he tell me he loves me.
> 
> He said he doesn't want to lose his family.. and that its my fault he started feeling something for someone else because I've been pushing him away lately. Do they always blame you? Should I even feel guilty for pushing him away when hes the one thats been lying to me about having feelings for this woman for the last 3 months?


They do sometimes blame you for not paying them enough attentions or something. But when someone likes someone else, other than the person they're with, they become distant anyway.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I won't go to his sisters because....

1. she hates me, she verbally assaults me CONSTANTLY.

2. all they do over there is get drunk, I don't drink, which makes me the babysitter of drunks. They act stupid, do stupid things, and I'm left to clean up their stupid mess. They get pissy at me and call me a "lil miss priss" or a "prude" because I don't drink.

3. Why should I bring him over to where the OW is? I don't see how that would help anything...


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> I won't go to his sisters because....
> 
> 1. she hates me, she verbally assaults me CONSTANTLY.
> 
> ...


Because you can rub it in OW's face that he's with you. You can be all over him. Make her see that he's yours and not hers.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Oh, I went out with all of them at the bar a little over a month ago... I was playing in a dart tournament. He and OW were all over each other with the bartender running up to me every few minutes to tell me my H and OW were off in the corner all over each other. 

I really don't think having me there will stop anything.. they just find random corners to hide from me in.

I also found out this has been going on while I've been at work. He brings my kids over there, and drinks with them... the kids run off and play and he and OW do god knows what.. with my kids right there...


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> I won't go to his sisters because....
> 
> 1. she hates me, she verbally assaults me CONSTANTLY.
> 
> ...


People hate me and verbally insult me a lot, but I just think 'Well I'm going to be adult about this, even if you're not.'
Be the bigger person and let her see that the insults arn't getting to you and that you're there because you're the mature one. Don't let insults bring you down, don't let people bring you down, you're better than her.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Lilyana said:


> Oh, I went out with all of them at the bar a little over a month ago... I was playing in a dart tournament. He and OW were all over each other with the bartender running up to me every few minutes to tell me my H and OW were off in the corner all over each other.
> 
> I really don't think having me there will stop anything.. they just find random corners to hide from me in.
> 
> I also found out this has been going on while I've been at work. He brings my kids over there, and drinks with them... the kids run off and play and he and OW do god knows what.. with my kids right there...


That isn't right that they even drink around children. And it would be worse if they are doing anything with them there....
I don't agree with that at all. Grr.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wow, some beauty contest.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Wow, some beauty contest.


What do you mean??


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