# My husband has declared a “no intamacy” policy



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Hello,
Over the last 6 months my husband and I have grown apart physically. Both of us trying to bounce back and work on ourselves. The hard part is I want him SO bad, like so bad. However , he has sworn off any sort of intimacy with me. We are down to only hugs. He claims he has zero interest, however I feel him lean in to do things and then he pulls away. I’m not sure how to officially break this cycle. I attempt to initiate and he says no. We have always had a very healthy sex life. If I push , will he recluse even more? If I wait , it may never happen… and then what?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You have to go into the detective mode. There's more to the story. How old are you and he? How long have you been married? Kids? Recent life events?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why have you grown apart physically if you used to have a healthy sex life? What's happened? Why are you working on yourselves?


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You have to go into the detective mode. There's more to the story. How old are you and he? How long have you been married? Kids? Recent life events?


We are both 40, 2 kids (teenagers), married 16 years. We have been doing alot of talking and crying together. Recent life events = new job titles with more responsibilities. I’ve been really good at detective mode in the past. However that was easy when phones didn’t have pass codes and face recognition lol. I just miss him. If you have suggestions on these “detective skill” I’m all ears.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

TheMrsSkeens said:


> We are both 40, 2 kids (teenagers), married 16 years. We have been doing alot of talking and crying together. Recent life events = new job titles with more responsibilities. I’ve been really good at detective mode in the past. However that was easy when phones didn’t have pass codes and face recognition lol. I just miss him. If you have suggestions on these “detective skill” I’m all ears.


Others will come along and give you some really great suggestions. Since you're new here, be forewarned that some responses you will receive may be critical or hard to read. Please stick with us through thick and thin. The advice of most people here who have been through what you're experiencing is better than you can buy.

On the emotional side, do you miss who he used to be or do you miss who he is now? I'll go first. It's critical to find out whether there is another person in his life.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Will he share pass word? If not that’s not a good sign. Also no sex for 6 months? Shady as hell. Sounds like he’s working on himself for someone else


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Why have you grown apart physically if you used to have a healthy sex life? What's happened? Why are you working on yourselves?


The pandemic happened. Our careers took off. We both let ourselves and our health go on the back burner. We started doing our own thing all the time instead of investing in our marriage.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Something else is going on. A grown man doesn't just decide to go celibate. There may be someone else. Something you are doing or not doing is turning him off. If he won't tell you I'm not sure how you figure it out.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Intimacy just doesn't stop for no reason. There has to be a reason or event that lead to it stopping.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TheMrsSkeens said:


> We have been doing alot of talking and crying together.


Yeah? What came out in the talking? What did you learn?


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Others will come along and give you some really great suggestions. Since you're new here, be forewarned that some responses you will receive may be critical or hard to read. Please stick with us through thick and thin. The advice of most people here who have been through what you're experiencing is better than you can buy.
> 
> On the emotional side, do you miss who he used to be or do you miss who he is now? I'll go first. It's critical to find out whether there is another person in his life.


Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Intimacy just doesn't stop for no reason. There has to be a reason or event that lead to it stopping.


I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

TheMrsSkeens said:


> Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.


It's possible he's doing a 180 on you. If so, there are other problems (not necessarily related to infidelity) that need to be identified.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TheMrsSkeens said:


> He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during a really bad fight.


Mmmm-hmmm?


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TheMrsSkeens said:


> I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.


So drifting apart, disconnect and maybe a little pride and resentment


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Then you have to break the vicious cycle. Start taking better care of yourself -- less drinking, more exercise, shed some of those extra pounds but most importantly be nicer to him. Stop lashing out & be loving. Praise him. Make his favorite food. Be kind. When you make him feel loved again he will come back. 

It's no excuse but if you keep on as you are he will stray if he hasn't already.


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah? What came out in the talking? What did you learn?


That he was hurt by me and the way we were fighting. That it’s hard for him to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. We have been through so much and always came out strong. This time is different becuse he is the one hurting and he just has no will or interest (so he says)


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> So drifting apart, disconnect and maybe a little pride and resentment


Exactly 


Numb26 said:


> So drifting apart, disconnect and maybe a little pride and resentment


Exactly!


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TheMrsSkeens said:


> That he was hurt by me and the way we were fighting. That it’s hard for him to love someone who doesn’t love themselves.


Yeah. So you probably need to fix the above first, ie learn to fight more cleanly, before the sex will get fixed.


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Then you have to break the vicious cycle. Start taking better care of yourself -- less drinking, more exercise, shed some of those extra pounds but most importantly be nicer to him. Stop lashing out & be loving. Praise him. Make his favorite food. Be kind. When you make him feel loved again he will come back.
> 
> It's no excuse but if you keep on as you are he will stray if he hasn't already.


Thank you!!! I am trying to do all of those things for sure, it’s just like… I’m a very sexual being so how long do I sit around and wait for him to come around lol. I love the advice and you are right… that’s what I keep telling myself. I don’t think there is a question of infidelity.. yet but yes need to just keep doing what I’m doing and he’ll come around or he won’t.


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah. So you probably need to fix the above first, ie learn to fight more cleanly, before the sex will get fixed.


Thank you!!!!


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If he thinks you are fat and rude, lose the weight and keep your mouth shut...


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Just continue to love him and be the wife that he fell in love with which made him decide to marry you if you want to keep your husband. Everything else is hogwash. If you said hurtful things, maybe those are resonating with him.


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> If he thinks you are fat and rude, lose the weight and keep your mouth shut...


Hahahah indeed … thanks 😊


----------



## LittleMissHopeful (5 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Just continue to love him and be the wife that he fell in love with which made him decide to marry you if you want to keep your husband. Everything else is hogwash. If you said hurtful things, maybe those are resonating with him.


Great advice. Thank you for taking the time. Will do!


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

This is something that my husband had me listen to yesterday. It's a fantastic song. We both love this guy. But it made me feel absolutely horrible because the last thing that I ever want is to be the woman in this song. So while I was sitting there in tears because I don't want him to feel that way - I paused it and went to tell him that I was sorry and he said just listen to it because this is not me singing to you, this is you singing to me and he was truthful in that. He nags like an old hag but it just made me feel worse because he is right. He micromanages worse than his mother    

Don't be that mother


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.


Is there anyone at all that you treated worse than him during this period of your life? Whether or not you have your reasons (excuses) why you were so rude / lashing out, it is not acceptable to treat a spouse worse than all others... it should be the opposite of that.

If you think you shouldn't have treated him that way, did you clearly and fully apologize and commit to not repeating that behavior again?

If you've been like this toward him in the past, he may have gotten to a point that he is sick of it, and finally taking a stand.

He might be doing this to help himself detach from you.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

No intimacy? Like emotional or physical?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Will he share pass word? If not that’s not a good sign. Also no sex for 6 months? Shady as hell. Sounds like he’s working on himself for someone else


I will just chime in here to say a husband who would declare and successfully implement a "no intimacy" policy with his wife for 6 DAYS, let alone 6 months would be extraordinarily unusual. And I don't care how much weight she gained. Unless he is badly depressed ( which he may be ), or incapable in the bedroom ( which a lot of alcohol consumption could cause ), or ill some other way, I will say he is draining his tank somehow. And him rejecting your initiating suggests he highly resents you for some reason, and expressing his anger by refusing intimacy with you. 

Were you refusing intimacy previously? If so, that could be the root cause. He is so p!st at you this is his (immature) way of getting back at you.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> Hahahah indeed … thanks 😊


Seriously... work on yourself. When you've achieved your goal (weigh loss, better mental health, etc.) your husband might be more inclined to give the marriage another go... if not, you will be in a wonderful shape for the man that really wants to be with you.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were* I* said during s really bad fight.


Have you apologized for what YOU said? Not "some things that were said". What were the things YOU said?


LittleMissHopeful said:


> Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.


So this is about a month ago. Not that long if you attacked him in areas where he is vulnerable. Like his abilities in the bedroom or the size of his unit. Common when people know all of one another flaws and can "go for the jugular". Maybe he attacked you regarding your flaws so you responded in kind. Bad idea.

There was a thread on this site long ago, where a woman told her husband who wanted sex with her daily that "You are too old to have sex that often". He stopped having sex at all with her. She was frantic to try to fix the damage, but couldn't. The thread ended, and AFAIK he never had sex with her again. Cruel words spoken can never be unsaid.

A married couple needs to learn to "fight fair" hopefully before they tie the knot. A couple is a TEAM, really one flesh in two physical bodies. We don't attack ourselves cruelly and must not attack the other half of the team.

This is something only YOU can fix. If you want things to change YOU are the only one who can make it happen. If YOU don't, eventually he will disconnect totally from you. What have you done to make amends in word and deed?



LittleMissHopeful said:


> I’m a very sexual being so how long *do I sit around and wait for him to come around* lol.


What do you mean by this question? Are you considering cheating on him? Of course if you aren't considering that, you will have to wait for him to come around as long as it takes. The question is like asking "how long is a string".

We are all sexual beings, some more than others. So you being "very sexual" is irrelevant.


----------



## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Not sure if you mentioned, if you did I apologize. But what was the massive fight about July 4th weekend? What happened?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> No intimacy? Like emotional or physical?


Is that a real thing? Emotional intimacy? Sometimes, my marriage lacks sex (for weeks) and my husband says that it's because he is fully satisfied with our emotional and physical intimacy in the sense of the fact that we spend a lot of time together at night after work (sitting on the floor in front of the couch watching his shows.. we sit together. pretty much him on top of me. We are always holding hands in the car. Or each others legs. Or something). He always tells me that he is perfectly satisfied with this. But then he watches porn in the morning. I satisfy him emotionally but he finds his sexual desires elsewhere which is what my head tells me. 

Maybe ask your hubby to start dating again? Find that initial spark?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like he is punishing you. He knows that you crave physical intimacy so he's using that as a weapon. You have two possible recourses. One, you can work on yourself and make yourself desirable to him again - lose weight, dress a little nicer, act sweeter - and not overly AT him, but just around him. Make him look and wonder, "what's gotten into her?"

Or, you can give up and take the stance that your marriage just couldn't survive Covid, and plan your separate lives.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

My husband passed away in March. He was emotionally immature. The only thing he got from me was how I made HIM feel, by being his trophy wife so to speak and then sex whenever he wanted regardless of the pleasure from it was mutual or not.

I had plenty of physical interaction and never turned it down, so we’re talking probably 5 nights a week the majority of the time, but even that wasn’t enough for my husband physically. He wasn’t going to ‘date’ me, he already had me and that was that.

hopefully the OP can work through all this.


----------



## reboot321 (5 mo ago)

A male perspective in a somewhat similar situation; I had always pursued (intimacy) up until about 4 years ago (she never initiated). Then I gave up and we coasted along (did not seem to bother her); other things kept me ok. Then I lost my dog and dad, and then mom moved a long ways away in a relatively short period of time. I became very dissatisfied with my life and have lost all desire for intimacy with my wife. She has really tried to bring things back, but I am just not feeling it. There was no infidelity, physical or emotional. We are singed up for marriage counseling, but I am skeptical. We have both been taking better care of ourselves. This may sound crazy, but I believe we are both very good people, moral, responsible, etc. We don't argue; that is just not my thing. I hope things work out for you, one way or another, but the void of intimacy can leave deep scars.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

reboot321 said:


> We don't argue; that is just not my thing


Yea, I think the nature of what was said to him will help guide the advice.

It is hard to tell if he is just being immature / shallow, or if she really hurt him and he lost his feelings for her due to that.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

reboot321 said:


> A male perspective in a somewhat similar situation; I had always pursued (intimacy) up until about 4 years ago (she never initiated). Then I gave up and we coasted along (did not seem to bother her); other things kept me ok. Then I lost my dog and dad, and then mom moved a long ways away in a relatively short period of time. I became very dissatisfied with my life and have lost all desire for intimacy with my wife. She has really tried to bring things back, but I am just not feeling it. There was no infidelity, physical or emotional. We are singed up for marriage counseling, but I am skeptical. We have both been taking better care of ourselves. This may sound crazy, but I believe we are both very good people, moral, responsible, etc. We don't argue; that is just not my thing. I hope things work out for you, one way or another, but the void of intimacy can leave deep scars.


Not your thing as in you don't need sex?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

re16 said:


> Yea, I think the nature of what was said to him will help guide the advice.
> 
> It is hard to tell if he is just being immature / shallow, or if she really hurt him and he lost his feelings for her due to that.


I will be astounded if she didn't attack him regarding his sexual prowess or attributes because he has "given up" on intimacy, not some other aspect of marriage like finances or keeping the yard in shape. OP has a tough row to hoe coming back from that.

And IF he seeks affirmation elsewhere to renew his confidence, which he will sooner or later, it is possible he will find someone who wants him, says as much to him, and shows him. Words of affirmation go a long way, even if they aren't a person's primary love language.


----------



## reboot321 (5 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Not your thing as in you don't need sex?


not my thing as - Arguing does not help.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

reboot321 said:


> not my thing as - Arguing does not help.


No sir it does not. My husband and I have this issue. We get in to an argument and then he hates me for days. Not so much as hates me, but it really turns him off. Mainly because we do so well 92% of the time and then BAM!


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

It seems to me that the two of you need to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about the argument over 7/4. You have not mentioned if you apologized for whatever you said that was hurtful to him. Keep in mind that actions are what back up words. Sometimes people say sorry but their actions show otherwise.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> We are both 40, 2 kids (teenagers), married 16 years. We have been doing alot of talking and crying together. Recent life events = new job titles with more responsibilities. I’ve been really good at detective mode in the past. However that was easy when phones didn’t have pass codes and face recognition lol. I just miss him. If you have suggestions on these “detective skill” I’m all ears.


Phone bill look for numbers repeatedly dialed.
VAR in his car. Something is up, men very rarely just stop wanting sex. Honestly, I’d just divorce him. If he wants no intimacy with you—— you can find a roommate easy


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.


Try marriage counseling. Try to work out your issues that way.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.


Hmmmm,
More info eh? Yeah, well you’ve got a majorly messed up marriage. Might seek a good marriage counselor which are extremely rare.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep. Go online and check your phone bill.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I don't think it has to be anything nefarious. He is sick of her sh^t and hitting her where it hurts. Women like to do this stuff all the time as retribution. Of course, it's possible he's cheating to meet his desires or like most married men, using porn.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.


What was said during the really bad fight? That may be the key to why he has said this. There are certain things that when said can be so damaging that they are very hard to come back from. Maybe if you can be honest and tell us what was said we may understand the situation much better.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So he’s “hyper focused” on being healthy and fit but not having sex with you. Hmm. When in doubt, turn to @Evinrude58 lol He is usually right most of the time.

I echo looking at the phone bill at the very least.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@LittleMissHopeful what are you keeping from us? 

40 year old men just simply do not declare that the marital sex life is over until they have moved in with their next woman and are waiting for the divorce to go through…. And even then, most will continue to hook up with both for as long as they can.

What is the reason he has unilaterally declared a state of Celibacy in your marriage? 

And it’s not just a bad fight or a 30 lb weight gain. What is the real reason?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Then regardless of the reason, if he is not willing to address it and not willing to enter into MC to try to work it out, my recommendation is file for divorce and move on.

If you’re wanting to have a sex life and he is overtly stating that component of your lives together is over, then why stay?

Why should he continue to get the other benefits of marriage if he is not willing to provide that which you want in the marriage??

Why should you be a Wife Appliance and cook and clean and help pay bills for some who outright rejects you says that the intimate part of your relationship is over. 

I’m kind of surprised at the responses of the posters here. If the genders were reversed, and some gal was declaring the sex life over because she was mad at him and he had put on 30 lbs, I don’t think the advise would be to lose weight and be nicer. I think the advise would be to pack bags and file for divorce.

I don’t see the distinction in genders here.

I see the distinction in overtly stating the intimate component of the relationship being over. 

He has basically declared that they will be roommates and no longer husband and wife in an intimate relationship.

If she was cool with being roommates and splitting the bills and households chores and never being intimate, that would be her perogative.

But the fact she does want an intimate life leaves her few options - 

- suck it up and live with it. 

- divorce and move on.

- remain married and find an intimate partner on the side. 

My suggestion is file for divorce, pack bags and wish him well in his life of celibacy. 

If he wants to remain in partnership, then offer MC and actually address the issues.

Otherwise “Buh Bye.”


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> @LittleMissHopeful what are you keeping from us?
> 
> 40 year old men just simply do not declare that the marital sex life is over until they have moved in with their next woman and are waiting for the divorce to go through…. And even then, most will continue to hook up with both for as long as they can.
> 
> ...


It may well be something said that was very hurtful. Words can wound deeply.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> It may well be something said that was very hurtful. Words can wound deeply.


Yeah, that’s why there has to be more to this than a fight and some weight gain over lockdown. 

What was said and how much of a personal attack was it? 

Men do have feelings and their feelings can be hurt. 

But 40 year men do not declare a sex life over unless they are moving in with their next chick.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah, that’s why there has to be more to this than a fight and some weight gain over lockdown.
> 
> What was said and how much of a personal attack was it?
> 
> ...


What about 40 year old women?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Has anyone noticed that when questions get asked to clarify a OP's statement, where the answer might paint the OP in less favorable light, its "Crickets"? I believe many times the OP is seeking validation and can't admit that they have contributed to the problem they ask about.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> What about 40 year old women?


What about them?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It seems the OP is very light on details. Sure, it sounds like the H is being a selfish jerk, but there’s a lot of white space where we don’t know his side. Without knowing what the fight was about and what was said, it’s impossible to know if his reaction is warranted.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Has anyone noticed that when questions get asked to clarify a OP's statement, where the answer might paint the OP in less favorable light, its "Crickets"? I believe many times the OP is seeking validation and can't admit that they have contributed to the problem they ask about.


Yes, there is more going on here than an argument and lockdown weight gain. 

For an otherwise reasonably healthy male to outright tell his wife that their sex life is over is extreme. 

For a normal guy to do that, it would have to be something like shooting his dog or beating up his grandmother or something. 

Most men are even cool with hooking up with their wives during divorce proceedings or even hooking up after divorce.

But for a 40 year to state they will no longer be having a sex life is almost unprecedented.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Most men are even cool with hooking up with their wives during divorce proceedings or even hooking up after divorce.


Indeed. I had a friend who after divorce continued with his XW on FB basis for years. They enjoyed sex together but couldn't stand all the other aspects of being married.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> What about them?


Why would a 40 year old woman declared intimacy over?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a thing.

I’ve heard of men who had sexual dysfunctions that would refuse to get help or see a doctor.

I’ve heard of men that would promise to “try harder” but never actually put forth any effort. 

And I’ve heard of men that would have one excuse after another and always promise that they would have sex ‘later’ after they were feeling better or had gotten some sleep or they weren’t so stressed at work etc etc etc etc that would never actually deliver.

And of course there are a few men that simply divorce and move on or that take up with another chick and move out.

But I don’t think in all my years in real life or a number of years on TAM have I ever once heard of a man under 80 years old declare the sex life over.

If they had an active sex sex life and something happened for which he has opted out of the marital sex life - either he is the world’s most childish and manipulative man on the planet,, or else whatever she did was really really really really really really really really really really bad.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> Why would a 40 year old woman declared intimacy over?


Oh that happens with striking regularity.

They don’t actually state the sex life to be over overtly because they know the guy would start packing that night.

They use different verbiage like ILYBNILWY or “I am no longer in the mood” or “I don’t care if I ever have sex again” etc etc etc. 

They can’t come out and say it because they know they wouldn’t get any of the other benefits of marriage after that, so they water it down so that the guy thinks he might stand a chance.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Oh that happens with striking regularity.
> 
> They don’t actually state the sex life to be over overtly because they know the guy would start packing that night.
> 
> ...


Hopium is a hell of a drug


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> And it’s not just a bad fight or a 30 lb weight gain. What is the real reason?


You seem to have forgotten the several threads over the years made by men not attracted to their wives any more because of their weight gain? In this case, the wife has been very unpleasant to the husband and put weight on. The husband thinks they are two good reasons to cancel their sex life. Husbands can lose attraction too...


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> You seem to have forgotten the several threads over the years made by men not attracted to their wives any more because of their weight gain? In this case, the wife has been very unpleasant to the husband and put weight on. The husband thinks they are two good reasons to cancel their sex life. Husbands can lose attraction too...


Sure and why after 6 months of no sex isn’t the advice what people give men check for cheating and divorce either way due to no sex?


I don’t know what’s going on in this posters marriage. I do know it’s odd for him to completely shut off the tap.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sure and why after 6 months of no sex isn’t the advice what people give men check for cheating and divorce either way due to no sex?
> 
> 
> I don’t know what’s going on in this posters marriage. I do know it’s odd for him to completely shut off the tap.


Maybe he is cheating. I don't get that impression because the OP has mentioned a few reasons why he could be turned off by her behaviour. To me, putting weight on wouldn't be a reason, but constant unpleasantness, yes. But we are all different.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> You seem to have forgotten the several threads over the years made by men not attracted to their wives any more because of their weight gain? In this case, the wife has been very unpleasant to the husband and put weight on. The husband thinks they are two good reasons to cancel their sex life. Husbands can lose attraction too...


Of course men can lose attraction (if it's due to weight gain, it's usually in the 50+ lb catagory but thats a different topic). But they then move on to another chick they are attracted to. 

They don't do is declare the sex life over and then stay.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Of course men can lose attraction (if it's due to weight gain, it's usually in the 50+ lb catagory but thats a different topic). But they then move on to another chick they are attracted to.
> 
> They don't do is declare the sex life over and then stay.


What interests me is not the reason he declare the sex life over but what the reason he has for staying.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I suspect OP's husband is doing a "180". OP mentioned he would begin to lean in to her, then catch himself and pull away. So he still is sexually attracted, but because of the July 4 incident he is detaching from her. Doing other things with his life. And, if he isn't cheating now he eventually will be, if he doesn't file for divorce first.

We really have no more information as OP has elected to ignore the questions. Everything is just conjecture. But, if SHE doesn't mend fences with him, she will be in the pasture alone. He is already headed for the exits. She must have REALLY insulted his manhood.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> I suspect OP's husband is doing a "180". OP mentioned he would begin to lean in to her, then catch himself and pull away. So he still is sexually attracted, but because of the July 4 incident he is detaching from her.


There’s probably some truth to that but questionable how much of his initial “leaning in” is intentional due to actual attraction affection for her or an autonomic response to a female initiating sexual contact. 

Assuming he is still healthy and virile, his body will still respond to a healthy, fertile female rubbing up against him. 

I’m not completely sure what she meant by “leaning in” exactly, but if she means if she starts physically initiating contact with him and he momentarily responds or at least does not immediately push her away,, that’s just being a male organism. 

A healthy man’s body will default to responding positively to a healthy, fertile female initiating sexually oriented physical contact and it may take a few moments until his brain overrides it because he’s pi$$ed at her and disengages. 

Men’s physiological default setting is to respond in a positive manner to female’s sexual advance. 

Men have sex with women they hate if he is healthy and virile and she is physically healthy, fertile and attractive.

That’s why whatever happened here was really bad.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> What interests me is not the reason he declare the sex life over but what the reason he has for staying.


They have two teenagers... maybe he is waiting another few years before he pulls the plug completely.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> They have two teenagers... maybe he is waiting another few years before he pulls the plug completely.


Yes, but a typical male may be planning to leave the marriage when the kids are grown. but he would at least still be ok with having sex even though he was planning on leaving. 

Men will have sex the morning before they go to the courthouse to file for divorce.

Men will have sex while loading the moving truck to move out. 

Men will have sex while separated and during divorce proceedings.

And it’s quite common for men to have sex with their ex after the divorce assuming the ex is down. 

What’s out of the ordinary here is that he is the one saying no num-nums but is apparently remaining in the marriage and not leaving or kicking her out. 

He either has something and/or the side or is planning his exit on the down low. 

…..or he is just a manipulative ass.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> Hello,
> Over the last 6 months my husband and I have grown apart physically. Both of us trying to bounce back and work on ourselves. The hard part is I want him SO bad, like so bad. However , he has sworn off any sort of intimacy with me. We are down to only hugs. He claims he has zero interest, however I feel him lean in to do things and then he pulls away. I’m not sure how to officially break this cycle. I attempt to initiate and he says no. We have always had a very healthy sex life. If I push , will he recluse even more? If I wait , it may never happen… and then what?


It is horrible when one person uses the lack of sex as a weapon or method to control a spouse. Your H is exhibiting a marriage ending behavior. Sit him down and tell him that using the lack of sex as a weapon is one of the most horrific things a spouse can do. Tell him that if he doesn't change the way he treats you and your marriage, it will end in divorce. Tell him you deserve far better than the way he is treating you.

If you think there is any chance of reconciliation, tell him that the two of you need to go to marriage counseling ASAP to get this resolved.

You will probably find out that he feels you have done something so horrible to him that his treatment of you is justified in his mind. When that comes out your marriage counselor is likely to tell him that he is behaving like a child and that you are not his mother, that he needs to straighten his childish behavior out by himself.

Good luck.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'd like to point out that while yes many men are so driven by sex they'll have sex with a woman they are divorcing.....

We've had plenty of threads here where the sexless is the man. Or the lack of sex is the man. We have several women on this board that divorced their husbands due to no intimacy.

So while it is very suspicious it isn't unheard of.

He seems manipulative and possibly full of resentment. He may be having an affair or have low testosterone or being pulling the 180.

None of it's good. OP needs to figure out what she wants. Just because he hasn't filed for divorce doesn't mean she can't. If she is going to chose to stay then they both need to work on their issues and the lines of communication need to be more open and also less hostile.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And OP if you really want to 'test' the waters.... Just walk around the bedroom naked tonight. Come to bed naked. Maybe even start masturbating in bed. Don't talk to him or act like he's in the room. Just do you. And if you don't have a vibrator.... GET ONE.

If he's yanking your chain he'll probably cave. Sometimes men come on here complaining their wives don't initiate and have boring sex. They are often told don't initiate wait until she does and other stupid ****. Who knows what advice he's gotten where. Or he could just be 'punishing' you for the 4th of July.

You haven't told us what the fight was about but it seems you two do not have good discussions. I never fight with my husband, like ever. It's not that I don't ever have a different opinion than him but we just talk and we listen. There's never hard feelings or raised voices or punishment after. You two need better communication skillls.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don’t buy the fact that men would have sex regardless. It’s just not true, imo.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I don’t buy the fact that men would have sex regardless. It’s just not true, imo.


@Anastasia6 

I would. Have. Will again. Just saying, I know me.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Anastasia6
> 
> I would. Have. Will again. Just saying, I know me.


In my case, I didn't and wouldn't. No way I am touching that! 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

You have gotten 4 pages of advice and comments, but, I have a bit of a different take on it. 

It sounds like you (likely your husband as well), have no problem, especially if there is drinking involved, saying things that can not be unsaid or undone. Obviously you said something in an argument that has decimated his love for you in some way. If you said something that so utterly destroyed his trust in you, he would be feeling something akin to the emotions someone feels when they find out their spouse is cheating on them. His actions are not that of someone that is cheating. When people do that, they usually try to keep their married life operating status quo, and try to operate under the radar. Your husband has set firm limits to keep himself safe around you. He is acting like a betrayed spouse, not a cheating spouse.

Sometimes, words alone, can simply destroy someone. And it sounds like, you are hyperfocused on the bandaid, but not the cure. You came on to this forum to seek advice on getting a sexual connection back with him, but not on how to focus on what created this problem to begin with. I bet the more you push for getting the romantic connection, without addressing the things said and the major problems in the marriage (which you have equally created, not laying all the blame on you alone), the more he is going to resent you for covering up the problems.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Looks like a drive by


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> Hello,
> Over the last 6 months my husband and I have grown apart physically. Both of us trying to bounce back and work on ourselves. The hard part is I want him SO bad, like so bad. However , he has sworn off any sort of intimacy with me. We are down to only hugs. He claims he has zero interest, however I feel him lean in to do things and then he pulls away. I’m not sure how to officially break this cycle. I attempt to initiate and he says no. We have always had a very healthy sex life. If I push , will he recluse even more? If I wait , it may never happen… and then what?


Why stay married to this guy? Why did you both agree to something so destructive?

You have both effectively ended your marriage.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No details= no good input.

Come on @LittleMissHopeful .


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> You have gotten 4 pages of advice and comments, but, I have a bit of a different take on it.
> 
> It sounds like you (likely your husband as well), have no problem, especially if there is drinking involved, saying things that can not be unsaid or undone. Obviously you said something in an argument that has decimated his love for you in some way. If you said something that so utterly destroyed his trust in you, he would be feeling something akin to the emotions someone feels when they find out their spouse is cheating on them. His actions are not that of someone that is cheating. When people do that, they usually try to keep their married life operating status quo, and try to operate under the radar. Your husband has set firm limits to keep himself safe around you. He is acting like a betrayed spouse, not a cheating spouse.
> 
> Sometimes, words alone, can simply destroy someone. And it sounds like, you are hyperfocused on the bandaid, but not the cure. You came on to this forum to seek advice on getting a sexual connection back with him, but not on how to focus on what created this problem to begin with. I bet the more you push for getting the romantic connection, without addressing the things said and the major problems in the marriage (which you have equally created, not laying all the blame on you alone), the more he is going to resent you for covering up the problems.


Exactly. My wife said something years ago and in my mind I was thinking a big "F**k You!" I stopped seeking her attention and started doing my own thing. Which includes dropping 60 lbs in 6 weeks and hitting the weights and buffing up. I was getting ready to divorce and hit the ground running and looking damn good too. She knew I was on my way out and **** a brick and changed her attitude. I was done. My love for her seriously took a hit. That in itself hurt like hell! That I no longer thought as well of her as I did. Maybe I thought to highly of her and she needed to be lower in my mind than she was.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Which includes dropping 60 lbs in 6 weeks


Wow! Nearly a pound a day? What were you doing, fasting?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Wow! Nearly a pound a day? What were you doing, fasting?


6 weeks is 42 days so 60 lb over 42 days is 1.5 lb or 5000 calorie deficit per day. That is starvation. Best I could do 25 yrs ago was 1.5 lb a week or 700 calorie deficit per day. 42 weeks to lose 60 lb


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> 6 weeks is 42 days so 60 lb over 42 days is 1.5 lb or 5000 calorie deficit per day. That is starvation. Best I could do 25 yrs ago was 1.5 lb a week or 700 calorie deficit per day. 42 weeks to lose 60 lb


It does seem a tad unrealistic, especially with 5,000 calories/day deficit? This is no food at all.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> 6 weeks is 42 days so 60 lb over 42 days is 1.5 lb or 5000 calorie deficit per day. That is starvation. Best I could do 25 yrs ago was 1.5 lb a week or 700 calorie deficit per day. 42 weeks to lose 60 lb


The recommend about 1-2 lbs a week unless you are grossly overweight.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> 6 weeks is 42 days so 60 lb over 42 days is 1.5 lb or 5000 calorie deficit per day.


Your arithmetic is much better than mine


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Wow! Nearly a pound a day? What were you doing, fasting?


I think a combination of stress, hitting weights and eating 5 meals a day. Got to feed the furnace. I had Soo much energy I felt like I was on speed. I could just take off like Forrest and run across the US. I cut out carbs and dairy, no processed sugar. 

Total Body Makeover.... exercise and eating plan.

Got some pushback....you look sick, people are asking if you ill/what is wrong with you. Freaked her out.

She would say what is going on?

Nothing! Not a damned thing! 🤨😡

Yeah my SMV jumped about 2 slots and now I was above her, not chasing her any more, I was done with beta nice guy..she killed him. Now she can't get enough, the muscles make her 🔥. During sex she is feeling my chest and arms and watching me in the mirrors, to see the muscles flexing while I get ahold of her. She is submissive now and I do NOT tolerate BS and **** test from her.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Wow! Nearly a pound a day? What were you doing, fasting?


Friends hubby was obese, I told her about it and he ordered the plan. He has lost like 150 lbs on it. It was the same plan that was on the show where those people lost a bunch of weight. The SWAN.......plan is basically Body by Jake. 

7:00am:. bacon and oatmeal for breakfast
10am chicken breast and small sweet potatoe

12:00- chicken breast, rice & 2 cups green vegetable

3pm chicken breast and piece of fruit

6pm -steak, baked sweet potatoe and 2 cups green vegetable

After your body changes to burning fat, your energy level goes through the roof!!! Your body switches out of starvation mode and uses the food you eat for fuel, not store it as fat.

I got to where I did not really look forward to food, it was just fuel for the fire. Crazy thing was, all the food I was eating, every 2.5-3 hrs I was starving. People do not realize when you diet, your body switches to starvation mode and holds on to every calorie it can, because it does not know when next meal will be.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I don’t buy the fact that men would have sex regardless. It’s just not true, imo.


agree. I think it is somewhat common for a man to be willing to have sex under many circumstances but that doesnt mean every man will have sex no matter how much anger, resentment, etc is going on. 

My wife and I had a huge fight last night (see my post on best bbq sauce) and I will not have sex with her today. Not that she is going to try....


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> Friends hubby was obese, I told her about it and he ordered the plan. He has lost like 150 lbs on it. It was the same plan that was on the show where those people lost a bunch of weight. The SWAN.......plan is basically Body by Jake.
> 
> 7:00am:. bacon and oatmeal for breakfast
> 10am chicken breast and small sweet potatoe
> ...


how long were your workout sessions? 5 days a week? How old were you?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> People do not realize when you diet, your body switches to starvation mode and holds on to every calorie it can, because it does not know when next meal will be.


I used the same methodology, but worked aerobically at lower rate. The starvation from dieting is real, and the fallacy of trying to diet to lower BMI. You must have worked your A$$ off to burn calories at such a rate. Maybe younger than I was (early 50s).


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> Friends hubby was obese, I told her about it and he ordered the plan. He has lost like 150 lbs on it. It was the same plan that was on the show where those people lost a bunch of weight. The SWAN.......plan is basically Body by Jake.
> 
> 7:00am:. bacon and oatmeal for breakfast
> 10am chicken breast and small sweet potatoe
> ...


This is somewhat how I lost all my weight also. Add in 2 serious lifting sessions each day. Being hungry all the time was the worst part.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I think a combination of stress, hitting weights and eating 5 meals a day. Got to feed the furnace. I had Soo much energy I felt like I was on speed. I could just take off like Forrest and run across the US. I cut out carbs and dairy, no processed sugar.


Yep. Once the body is trained to burn fat, it burns it 24x7 even while person is asleep. Protein, low fat, complex carbs, no sugar.

It surely amazed me. I went on it because my wife had always been healthy BMI, decided she deserved better than I was at the time. Started running with her, lifting weights to get the muscles to blow back up.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

30-45 min before work. Alternate upper and lower days. I was around 38-39.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

uwe.blab said:


> agree. I think it is somewhat common for a man to be willing to have sex under many circumstances but that doesnt mean every man will have sex no matter how much anger, resentment, etc is going on.
> 
> My wife and I had a huge fight last night (see my post on best bbq sauce) and I will not have sex with her today. Not that she is going to try....


If I'm pissed at wife, things are not gonna work. The mental block creates a physical block.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> My wife and I had a huge fight last night (see my post on best bbq sauce) and I will not have sex with her today. Not that she is going to try....


I recall one female’s thread where after she told her husband of her affair with guy he hated, and who she thought she was pregnant with twins from. She said they had “angry sex” that same day. And for months afterward sometimes when he was recalling her infidelity, they had “angry sex”.

So at least some men (and women) dont care


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LittleMissHopeful said:


> Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.


When he is verbal about not wanting intimacy-- does he say why? Like....he is mad at you so no sex? Does he say what he hopes to accomplish by NOT having sex? 

Besides saying he is definitely not having sex, what does he say?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP hasn't posted since the second page. Suspect she has moved on.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sure and why after 6 months of no sex isn’t the advice what people give men check for cheating and divorce either way due to no sex?


Actually, 2 pages ago in this thread @In Absentia gave essentially the exact advice that many of us give to men in similar situations:

“_Seriously... work on yourself. When you've achieved your goal (weigh loss, better mental health, etc.) your husband might be more inclined to give the marriage another go... if not, you will be in a wonderful shape for the man that really wants to be with you._”

I (and several others) I’ve given essentially the exact same advice (in my case with a bit more detail and rambling, brevity not a strong suit) to many men who’s wives have shut off sex.

Sure, it’s probably a good idea for her to check up on things to rule out another woman, but I’m not really getting that vibe in this case. 
The point is the real actionable guidance mentioned above is the exact same advice many of us give men in the situations.


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> This is something that my husband had me listen to yesterday. It's a fantastic song. We both love this guy. But it made me feel absolutely horrible because the last thing that I ever want is to be the woman in this song. So while I was sitting there in tears because I don't want him to feel that way - I paused it and went to tell him that I was sorry and he said just listen to it because this is not me singing to you, this is you singing to me and he was truthful in that. He nags like an old hag but it just made me feel worse because he is right. He micromanages worse than his mother
> 
> Don't be that mother


Would you mind sharing with us the title to that song?


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Friends hubby was obese, I told her about it and he ordered the plan. He has lost like 150 lbs on it. It was the same plan that was on the show where those people lost a bunch of weight. The SWAN.......plan is basically Body by Jake.
> 
> 7:00am:. bacon and oatmeal for breakfast
> 10am chicken breast and small sweet potatoe
> ...


Wow. I guess whoever invented the plan liked chicken breast.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> Wow. I guess whoever invented the plan liked chicken breast.


It depends on body type and metabolism. Some eat more fish or steak. With chicken/fish you loose weight faster.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What happened on the 4th?

If you don’t want to talk with us about it, go to counseling.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Would you mind sharing with us the title to that song?


The other side of town. By John Prine.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> It may well be something said that was very hurtful. Words can wound deeply.


true words can wound deeply but the mature thing to do is to talk about it, not simply freeze her out, sweep it under the carpet and leave her clueless.


----------



## JJARA (5 mo ago)

. Have you asked him If he intends this no intimacy policy to be indefinite and will never change or if there are some conditions that would make intimacy possible again, And if so what are those specific conditions And for each condition ask what he would consider proof that the specific condition has been met.
And while you’re having this conversation you should Write it down ( each condition and what the proof would be to meet each condition). Or better yet have him do it if he’s willing. If you have a goal to meet this might be more tenable for you . And also you might have some of your own conditions that you would wanna add on think about what you really want to change in this marriage. If he is not able to answer these questions then this could be a lie covering up something else more series in the relationship. And of course make sure that you pick a appropriate time to dive into this conversation it might be a lengthy one and you don’t want To start something you don’t have time to finish or engage in the conversation when he’s already in a bad mood or hungry Or in the middle of watching his favorite sports team. Maybe mention in the morning hey can we talk later tonight after the kids go to bed make a plan for This conversation that he agrees to. Lastly You say that you had a good sex life before all this are you sure that he felt the same way you should ask him specifically if that’s how he felt as wellGood luck


----------

