# New Member, Negativity in Young Marriage



## Monday19 (May 14, 2019)

Hi all, 

This is the first time I'm posting about this online so appreciate any input, especially from folks who've been married for a while. 

I'm M, married to F, both mid-30's. Due mostly to her job, my wife has been experiencing extremely negative emotions, almost on a daily basis. It's become very hard for me to continue to support her because I feel completely drained. From my perspective, some of it is justified, but some of it is also due to her own personality. We are both very ambitious people who have experienced a fair amount of 'success' early on, and I fear that her ability to adjust to setbacks and failures is very limited. She seems to be increasing in sensitivity over issues and events that to me are quite trivial (like the tone of someone's voice). She doesn't seem to be able to let go of any perceived slight or negative occurence, no matter how small. I try to be supportive, but the dynamic in the house is dictated by her state of mind. When she's alright, everything is fine and we can continue with our day and enjoy the little things. But before long, something (always external, i.e. out of her control) will happen and she will again sink into a deep unhappiness, and at that point it is contagious. Sometimes I truly feel she is overthinking things, but it's impossible to bring this up without offending her, no matter how carefully I do it, and I am immediately put in the 'against me' camp. My only choice left is thus to reinforce her biases even if I don't always agree with them. We are looking for a new job for her, and I truly hope this will help, but a part of me is starting to think that she won't be happy anywhere. A bigger problem in my mind is - what will happen when truly big problems, instead of trivial ones, come up? 

I don't want to give too many details, but hope someone can connect with this and offer suggestions. Perhaps I am just dumb and inexperienced, that would actually be a relief to hear. I've heard the advice that I should be bigger and able to keep my own feelings in check in order to take care of her, but part of the problem of the situation is that, when she is upset, I feel like a target. She won't begin to feel better unless I feel just as awful first. That seems to be the baseline for 'healing' and I'm not sure how much more of it I can take. 

Thank you in advance.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

My wife is a career woman too. It only gets harder as you get older. Are you familiar with the term "glass ceiling?" I've had jobs but never a career. The difference is that I lack ambition - and I make no apologies for it. Some of the jobs I've had tried to build me up but make inhuman demands of me that rivaled the most hellish of romantic entanglements. 

IMO the difference between a job and a career is that a career is a job that you become married to and define yourself by. If you cannot balance the two you will soon find that the career can become almost an ER that interferes with your marriage. 

Long story short, your wife is frustrated and just looking to vent. Responding to it is not required. Arguing with her and making ultimatums is like asking somebody who's addicted to something to give it up cold turkey. Your job as a spouse is to distract her from work when neither of you are on the clock. Find something else to do together (like exercise or travel) and don't talk about work when you're not working. It's called having a work/life balance.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Not sure if it will work for you two, but my husband and I have struggled with this a bit (together 18 years, late 30’s / 40)

Both of us are career driven, and are each other’s sounding boards. 

His job was getting very frustrating, and he was calling and texting me quite often to complain about things beyond my control. Like you, sometimes I agree with his perspective, but other times I find myself wanting to play devils advocate – which when someone is already frustrated and needing someone to vent to – that’s not the answer. 

And I tend to do the same, want to blow off steam about my commute, about an incompetent assistant, about my work load etc. 

The problem is, we were constantly complaining to each other. Instead of feeling happy when I saw his name pop up on my phone, I started feeling anxious, “ugh what now”. Which is NOT how I want to feel about my husband contacting me! 

So, I talked to him about it. How we are complaining too much. About how we are allowing work stress to affect our home life. He agreed and explained how my frustrations were affecting him as well. 

Having an honest conversation opened up the dialog. Not only did he hear me, he told me how I was affecting him in ways I didn’t realize. Communication is good 

From there, we agreed not to vent and complain so much. To instead contact each other throughout the day with little “I am thinking about you” type messages instead of work frustrations. 

We still have discussions about work, but we limit them and try to temper the bad with the good. Somedays he or I may need a good vent session, and we have at it (usually starts with “I know we agreed to not talk about work but”) We can have productive conversations about our struggles, but its important to know the difference between needing to vent, and asking for suggestions. 

One thing I will point out is that men and women tend to be different in communication styles in this regard. Women often wan to vent, they want to be heard and have a friend to commiserate with. Men tend to interpret hearing about problems as something for them to solve. This is something else my husband and I have talked about candidly. He felt when I presented a problem at work, that he should be helping to find solutions for it, while really all I wanted was to get it off my chest. Sometimes talking things through can bring clarity. 

For your situation, I think you two should talk about how the negativity, the job struggles are affecting you both. And better, healthier ways to deal with them.

I am a strong believer in the power of attitude and optimism, and try to remember those things when I am struggling to remain positive. 

While we need to be supportive of our spouses, I also thing its important that we are cognizant of the energy and attitude we are bringing home, and to the relationship.

Perhaps even some couples counseling to address these issues would help.


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## Monday19 (May 14, 2019)

m00nman said:


> My wife is a career woman too. It only gets harder as you get older. Are you familiar with the term "glass ceiling?" I've had jobs but never a career. The difference is that I lack ambition - and I make no apologies for it. Some of the jobs I've had tried to build me up but make inhuman demands of me that rivaled the most hellish of romantic entanglements.
> 
> IMO the difference between a job and a career is that a career is a job that you become married to and define yourself by. If you cannot balance the two you will soon find that the career can become almost an ER that interferes with your marriage.
> 
> Long story short, your wife is frustrated and just looking to vent. Responding to it is not required. Arguing with her and making ultimatums is like asking somebody who's addicted to something to give it up cold turkey. Your job as a spouse is to distract her from work when neither of you are on the clock. Find something else to do together (like exercise or travel) and don't talk about work when you're not working. It's called having a work/life balance.


Thanks for responding. Yes, we are familiar with "glass ceiling" and have often talked about the difficulties of being a woman in the workplace in this country (and it doesn't get easier anywhere else). I'll keep 'balance' in mind moving forward and try to distract as much as I can. The problem is sometimes it feels like the freight train of work just rolls through our apartment and redirecting that energy is harder than just letting it exhaust itself. But sometimes it doesn't...for example, I literally cannot imagine suggesting that 'work stays at work.' Literally cannot.


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## Monday19 (May 14, 2019)

I shouldnthave said:


> Not sure if it will work for you two, but my husband and I have struggled with this a bit (together 18 years, late 30’s / 40)
> 
> Both of us are career driven, and are each other’s sounding boards.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this perspective, it really helped. I think the positive is that we have both (at times) agreed that the situation is negative, definitely not 'fine.' So we are hoping that a change in the job itself will help. I do try to listen for the most part, but it's difficult to continue taking on complaints and (to me) sometimes overblown perspectives without voicing anything in response. Your example about receiving the text definitely applies - my first instinct now when receiving one is not 'oh great, my spouse texted me' but rather 'ok, is this going to be good or bad?' It induces anxiety and worst of all, sometimes I will be asked to assist in her work while I am at my own tasks. When faced with difficulty, her 'fight of flight' response will be to drag those close to her into the fight. My thoughts on this as a professional is another matter altogether, but it illustrates how difficult it is for her to 'leave work at work.' But thank you for your thoughts, I really do appreciate them and I apologize if this is becoming a bit of a rant of mine own.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I was similar in attitude with my W. I do the same. My W does the same. We need to vent. We like to call it toddler hour were we complain and get things off our chest. We also have an understanding that we are not each others enemy. It is not personal. Never is. Sounding board. We listen, we vent but realize we are on the same team. It is hard for me to leave work at work. Took a long time to realize my W is not my work. I leave it at the door now. Something you W will need to work on. We are all work in progress. I think the biggest thing is not to take it personally. The venting is not about you. I needed to learn that as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry.

This won't change as you age.

When a person is an antennae and is only tuned to static, that is what comes out of their 'speak her'.

Grin and bear it, or beat feet.

Compatibility is.... is what compatible does.

If you are not compatible, it only does harm to.....both.

She might get better if she is a stay-at-home body.

If you can afford it.
If you are also willing to take a chance.

The odds are....





[THM]- King Brian


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## Monday19 (May 14, 2019)

Yeswecan said:


> I was similar in attitude with my W. I do the same. My W does the same. We need to vent. We like to call it toddler hour were we complain and get things off our chest. We also have an understanding that we are not each others enemy. It is not personal. Never is. Sounding board. We listen, we vent but realize we are on the same team. It is hard for me to leave work at work. Took a long time to realize my W is not my work. I leave it at the door now. Something you W will need to work on. We are all work in progress. I think the biggest thing is not to take it personally. The venting is not about you. I needed to learn that as well.


Thanks. I am starting to think that we are both similar but maybe it's just imbalanced. The truth is I can't even imagine a life without talking about work, it's literally all we talk about and all I hear about from the moment I wake to the moment we sleep. We'll do some traveling soon so hopefully that will help, I'm feeling mighty short of distractions at the moment.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You fundamentally have 2 options.

Continue down the path of active listening, support, and assist her in trying to address her concerns; which will do absolutely nothing to impact or modify the behavior which is rightfully troubling you. With this option you need to be careful that your support of your wife isn't enabling the behavior to the point where YOU become the focus of all things negative in her experience. I hope you can get your head around that. Because it happens.

Or ...


Do what I like to call, "Throw the grenade in the room." Which means you fundamentally change how you address the behavior. Challenge it. Ask her the question you just posed here. "Honey, are you REALLY all that troubled by the way X looked at you? Because if you are I'm worried about how you're going to cope when we actually have something worth worrying about." 

What did your parents do when you were behaving badly? Odds are, they called you out on it. I've never understood the reticence adults have in doing the same to other adults.
What happened when you continued with bad behavior? Odds are, there were consequences.

In this case, you need to get comfortable with calling her out, or challenging the behavior. You don't need to be mean ... yet. "Honey did X really bother you? You think (someone in X role she aspires to) lets that kind of stuff bother them? Because if so, than it looks pretty certain you'd hate that role." 
Or go for simple. "Wow. You really need thicker skin."
Either way, you're likely to upset her ... which is necessary. You need to be comfortable with challenging the status quo you have developed, if the goal is to have an impact on how her behavior affects you and the relationship.


I can guarantee you that the second option will resolve the issue. I can't guarantee you that you will like the result.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Monday19 said:


> Thanks. I am starting to think that we are both similar but maybe it's just imbalanced. The truth is I can't even imagine a life without talking about work, it's literally all we talk about and all I hear about from the moment I wake to the moment we sleep. We'll do some traveling soon so hopefully that will help, I'm feeling mighty short of distractions at the moment.


Would counselling help?

My wife is the same with her stories from the frontline. Luckily my wife is perfect, so it's never her fault. 

Is it possible your wife is on the ASD spectrum? Mine is and this doesn't help, to be honest.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Monday19 said:


> Thanks. I am starting to think that we are both similar but maybe it's just imbalanced. The truth is I can't even imagine a life without talking about work, it's literally all we talk about and all I hear about from the moment I wake to the moment we sleep. We'll do some traveling soon so hopefully that will help, I'm feeling mighty short of distractions at the moment.


Your work has become your life and your W life. That is an issue. If you and your W are planning weekend activities the talk turns to those activities. Once the activity is complete the talk turns to how it was and what is planned next. At least, that is how it works with me and my W. 

Why do you work? Roof over your head, food and utilities. But what else? Entertainment outside work! When the weekend come we think of nothing but activities far far far and away from that four letter word "work". Don't let your work define you.


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## Monday19 (May 14, 2019)

Deejo said:


> You fundamentally have 2 options.
> 
> I can guarantee you that the second option will resolve the issue. I can't guarantee you that you will like the result.


Thanks to everyone for their replies. I have considered ultimatums, but I don't think it's come to that yet. We do see a successful future together, even our professions are compatible and potentially mutually beneficial. It's really emotionally that is the problem, there is a tendency for things to pent up and then blow up. My outlook currently is to work on myself and get rid of bad habits, improve myself and see if that helps the situation - no improvement without effort from both sides. 

You are right though, she takes any criticisms or even gentle comments towards this topic _extremely _badly. Observing her interactions with her own family, I don't think she has ever learnt a calm way of dealing with conflict. She reacts to any suggestions personally, connects them immediately with her feelings, and goes into fully defense mode. In speaking to her, I try to not use 'you' while suggesting changes, for example I'll say 'I wish we could stop talking about work' but she'll immediately start accusing me of wanting more attention, etc. But I do agree, taking it all lying down will only worsen the situation. 

Unfortunately, I do think I get some depression from this issue. Some days I can really respect her struggle, as a woman in a field historically (and also presently) dominated by men, having to deal with things I'll never need to. On the other hand, it can become so draining that I feel like I am gaining nothing from the relationship, and in fact it is sapping my energy.


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