# Was it my fault?



## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Background info: Husband's father was deported 9 years ago from the US for over staying his visa. Husband's mother was severely depressed by this, didn't want to learn how to drive and didn't work at all (she never worked her whole life). Husband's youngest brother, who was 14 at the time, came here as a baby and knew the US as home. 

All three of them had orders of deportation. So at the time, I suggested to my husband who was then 22, that his mother and youngest brother go back to their country voluntarily to be with the father. And that unless he's ready to raise a teenager, that this would probably be best, that way the younger brother will have both parents to raise him and none of them have to live looking over their shoulders. Husband and his older brother who was then 26, then agreed that this was the way to go and now the father, mother and younger brother are all back in their country together. 

Present: Their country has a bad economy and the parents STILL have not gotten a job and they always ask us for money. And the youngest brother is now 16 and wants to come back to the states. I asked my husband where he's going to stay, who's going to pay for him and sponsor him and if his older brother would be helping? My husband told me that he blames me because I planted the idea in his head. Etc. Etc. So, in your opinion, was it wrong for my to suggest this route? Because everyone seems to blame me.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

It's not your fault. You only made the suggestion, and they chose to listen to you. They don't have any right to blame you... what exactly are they blaming you for, though? The fact that the parents can't find work? Or that the brother wants to come back (completely understandable, if it were me I wouldn't want to have left in the first place)?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

This scenario is not your fault. Your husband is wrong in blaming you for the plight of his family. The entire family of your husband needed to return to their home country. They are here illegally and cannot support themselves. If my estimation is correct, your husband is only 24 years of age. He cannot support his entire family and yours at the same time.

How old are you and how long have you been married? Are you a U.S. citizen and are you working? Do you have children? How are you feeling as to the individual who is blamed for the misfortune of others? Have you evaluated your situation? Did you know that your husband and his entire family were illegals before you married him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not your fault at all. They made up their own mind to do what they did.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

We are both 26 years old now. We've been married for four years. I'm a U.S. citizen and I wasn't working for about a year, just school full time. Now I'm taking a break from school and working full time and school part time. He's a permanent resident, about to get citizenship. His older brother is a citizen. I knew about his family not being legal, and was hoping they'd go back on their own without me ever saying anything, or at least the parents. My husband and I do not have kids but are planning to try when we're more financially stable, so hopefully when we're around 30.

The reason why I had ever suggested that his younger brother go back was because my husband and his older brother didn't seem ready to raise a teenager. And the other night when he brought up bringing his younger brother back to the states, I said to him, "You should probably make sure that your older brother is on board with this, because I don't think you can do this alone, emotionally and financially. This is a 16 year old kid, and if you don't want him to go through what you went through and for everything to be legal, you're going to need money. There's also the question of who is going to sponsor him? Who's going to pay for his schooling? Where is he going to stay? He's going to pay for his immigration process? Who's going to pay for him to get set up in the US? It's a lot of food for thought." He didn't respond to me when I said that. And that's where the convo ended.

Is it selfish that I wouldn't want to help financially because I want to save money for our own kids?


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

And I had some info wrong in my original post, his brother was 12/13 when I had suggested they all go back. So that makes him 16 now cause that was a little after my husband and I got married.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

And he blames me for them going back, for planting the idea in his head. And for pushing the voluntary departure process. And I did push the process once it was started -because I was scared that once they were on immigration's radar and that if they didn't follow up with their application, that they'd get arrested. The last thing I wanted was my mother in law and little brother in law being stuck in jail for 6 months like the father was before he was sent back.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

None of his family works over there, which was why I was always concerned about finances as well. They say it's because of the economy, but I find it hard to believe that after 4 years for the mother, and 9 years for the father, that neither of them were able to find any sort of work. Which is why I am concerned about his little brother coming here and finances. Cause the little brother once mentioned that he didn't work because the only job he could get was as a sweeper and clean up in a restaurant and that he wouldn't be making enough money. 1) That told me that there are some minimum wage jobs over there that any 3 of them could get. 2) He doesn't WANT to work because he would only be making "a few Euros a day." And 3) That if none of them are working, then most likely all financial moves will be coming out of my husband's pocket. Which means coming out of OUR pocket.


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

He's mad at you for suggesting his family obey American immigration law? What other laws does he think it's okay to break? I guess he'd be pissed at you if you suggested it's not okay to take other people's money at gun point too? Stand up guy isn't he.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, your husband should not blame you for planting the idea in his head. He should be strong enough to make his own decisions.

However I would like to point out that you married someone with a family from another country. Whether they stay in their economically disadvantaged home country, working or not, or one of several of them come near you, your husband will be expected to help out financially.

If you have a big issue with this, you need to have honest discussions with him. Not helping financially would imply severing all ties with them. Would your husband be ready for this?

Regarding your teenage brother in law, the best return on investment may be the option of having him come with you. The sooner he is financially independent the better for you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Pretty outrageous to blame you for their being here illegally. Your primary obligation is to your immediate family. It does not appear you have the financial excess to fund the in-laws despite what some above have said.

I would be most concerned about your husband and his blaming of you. Doesn't bode well for the marriage in my opinion.... Did your husband get a green card because of you?


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Yes, he got a green card because of our marriage. We've been friends since high school. My husband has actually come a long way in not sending his parents money anymore. And although it was once a problem, it's gotten a lot better. We only send money now for birthdays and emergencies (like his dad had to go to the hospital and they were having trouble paying off his medical bills). When we were first married, he was sending money every month! And I guess I'm afraid that's going to happen again if his teenage brother comes here. I know, I'm selfish. And I really do appreciate everyone's input. Thank you!


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

PieOhMy,

It isn't your fault at all, and no you aren't being selfish. It is a bad situation, but...

I have to tell you though, as weird as it may seem to a lot of Americans, sending money and helping support parents/siblings is quite common in other cultures. NOT helping is probably weird to your husband.

I'm not saying give in and agree to send money. Just be tactful in the way you disagree with him and communicate your point of view.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

It's not your fault; you were just looking out for your immediate family. You stated that the older brother is 26 and a citizen, why doesn't he sponsor his parents and brother for permanent residency. He's more likely to get it because he's a citizen and second he's the oldest. If this occurs, then you and your husband can help provide some financial support with the necessary paperwork. This would be the best course especially if the older brother is single.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm a little concerned at your lack of belief in the worth of HIS family members. Do you shun your own family, too? Are THEY dead weight to you? If I were him, I'd be a bit concerned, too.

Him blaming you is ridiculous but probably understandable since you're female and most cultures value males more and denigrate the females more. But that's really more of a question of the equality in your marriage.


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## BronzeTorpedo (Dec 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> I'm a little concerned at your lack of belief in the worth of HIS family members. Do you shun your own family, too? Are THEY dead weight to you? If I were him, I'd be a bit concerned, too.


Can you quote her statements that his family members were worthless? I saw some statements about them being unemployed and asking for money. But those aren't value judgments, those are just facts.



> Him blaming you is ridiculous but probably understandable since you're female and most cultures value males more and denigrate the females more. But that's really more of a question of the equality in your marriage.


Huh? As another poster pointed out, her husband probably comes from a culture where wealth is expected to be shared amongst one's extended family. The OP has a more middle-class American viewpoint where wealth is limited to one's immediate family. Neither is correct, or incorrect. And neither depends on one's sex. But one strategy must be adopted for the marriage. Either both of them should get on board with bringing his family over and supporting them, or both of them should accept the status quo without hard feelings.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

My generosity has a limit. Since we've been married, we have sent them $15K (in four years). I do not shun my family, but I know my husband is in a difficult position and that it hurts him when they guilt trip him. Or when they say things like, "You must not love us if you can't send us money" and "Why should I ask anyone for help when I have two sons working in America?" I appreciate everyone's posts. I guess I just wish I would see more work on their part to make money or at least show respect to my husband.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

And I've asked my husband why his older brother hasn't applied to sponsor them yet, but he always say "I don't know." He's been able to apply for them for three years, but he still hasn't. So I'm not sure what is up with that. :/


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But you understand, right, that that is HOW THEY DO IT where he comes from? Kids are EXPECTED to care for their parents. If he hadn't married you, and could have still stayed in the country, he'd be sending you HALF of his money.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Sometimes I get so upset with my in laws for the way they talk to my husband. I don't really speak to them much since they don't speak good English and I don't speak their language. But my husband sometimes comes to me, so hurt and so sad. And I understand that they are from a different culture, but I never expected to send so much money so fast. $15K is a lot for a young married couple, we're only 26. I'm not even done with school yet. It scares me, and it makes me want to provide a stable future for my own children so they can live a happy life with many possibilities.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PieOhMy said:


> And I've asked my husband why his older brother hasn't applied to sponsor them yet, but he always say "I don't know." He's been able to apply for them for three years, but he still hasn't. So I'm not sure what is up with that. :/


I don't know what country he's from, but if it's India, then the younger brother is supposed to do all the heavy lifting. At least that's how it is from the Indian friends we have; the younger brother wasn't even allowed to get married without his brother's permission, nor have kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PieOhMy said:


> Sometimes I get so upset with my in laws for the way they talk to my husband. I don't really speak to them much since they don't speak good English and I don't speak their language. But my husband sometimes comes to me, so hurt and so sad. And I understand that they are from a different culture, but I never expected to send so much money so fast. $15K is a lot for a young married couple, we're only 26. I'm not even done with school yet. It scares me, and it makes me want to provide a stable future for my own children so they can live a happy life with many possibilities.


I hope you know I do understand that. It's just that this IS what you married into, so pretending it's not there will only end up with both of you unhappy. Your H is stuck in the middle; try to imagine how it feels to be him.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I'm sorry for getting back so late. Yes, this is what I married into. And yes, I try to imagine what my husband is going through. It's very hard to know though because he doesn't like to talk about it and he's made it very clear that I am not allowed to ask about it. I feel bad for him because it really does seem like he's under a lot of pressure. But I feel this in my gut, that I need to protect our future. And if he's not willing to do so with me, then maybe it isn't ourrrr future, unfortunately.


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