# I knocked on his door today



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Just got off the phone with an old friend of mine and he pretty much made me promise that I'd go home. I honestly wasn't going to do anything other than talk to this guy. For some reason, he just didn't open his door. Hmmm.

I just had a couple questions for him like:


What did I ever do to you?
What did my kids ever do to you?
You realize she's not well mentally and you still pressed on with this relationship, why?
Why don't you take the energy your wasting on my wife and spend it trying to fix your family rather than destroying mine?
Why do you think this is love? All it's brought into her life is suffering. Isn't that evidence enough that it's wrong?
and finally my favorite...You realize I could end you before you could even close that friggin door were I to choose to do so?

Ok so maybe Gary was right. It probably wasn't my best idea to knock on his door. I'm just so tired of having to pick up all of the friggin pieces of a mess I largely didn't make.

LIL


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

LIL I feel for you I really really do. As much as you wanted him to answer the door it probably was better he didn't. Do you think talking to him face to face will do anything? What about a letter? What EVER you do don't threaten him as much as you want too.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

His wife/ex-wife was the one that actually contacted me RWB. At first I couldn't even believe it because it was such a ridiculous choice for her, but it's true. 

I can't understand why people are like this. At some point though, I will talk to him. I have no intent to threaten or hurt him, although just being there will likely make him want to pee himself. I will probably visit his door step once again tomorrow; sometime after church and before Jujitsu. 

Not to be redundant, but once again I don't want to hurt him. Instead I want to personalize to him how much he has hurt my kids, her, his wife, his kids, and me. I am not giving my wife a pass on this, and it will definitely cost her our marriage, but she really isn't well mentally. He's a [email protected], and a piece of human [email protected], and he is most definitely aware of his actions. Thus, I hold him primarily responsible.

My wife hasn't even been paying our mortgage since I was given the move out order. I spoke with my lender this week and basically informed them of everything that had occurred, and that I couldn't imagine ever living in the property again. There really wasn't a substantial credit advantage to a short sale vs. a foreclosure, as the house is upside down by less than 40k. Subsequently, I received the notice this week to quit interest in the property. 

I'll probably never convince anyone on TAM that I didn't do this out of spite, but she was the one who agreed to pay the mortgage and hasn't. I'm just choosing not to rescue her. It's called a consequence. It will probably be one of the last nice things I do for her. I really liked that house. Staying there would have killed her. It's more than a fair trade.

It's like these people are crack addicts. They neglect their responsibilities and duties. Ignore their kids, their spouses, and for what? 

Well, I am using this time to restructure my life. My next house will be modest. I am going to live under my means, and to hell with working for all of these things I never even have time to use. 

In one sense, I thank her for giving me an opportunity to become a better man then the one I was. This has been a hell of a wake up call. I'm sure when the time is right, I'll make a hell of a second husband. I just wish the price of admission wasn't so GD high for my family. If now I can only return the favor to her.

LIL


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

LIL,

I applaud you for making her deal with the consequences of her actions. Since you are dealing with the consequences of your actions she should as well.

And yes isn't it strange that with a wake call and true work on yourself you become a better person and the one who had a hand in it doesn't even bother to notice. And won't reap the benefits of the change. 

I actually thanked my w for "waking me up". And now that I understand things better like, myself, who I want to be, etc. she doesn't want it or doesn't see it through her skewed perception of reality. 

It is their loss, but as you said I wish the price of admission wasn't so GD high. 

In my opinion you are returning the favor -- through your actions for and with your kids you are showing her how to be a great parent. With her recent statement about focusing on herself and the kids -- maybe she is starting to "get it".

Peace.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> It's like these people are crack addicts. They neglect their responsibilities and duties. Ignore their kids, their spouses, and for what?


Not paying the mortgage is just daft of her. Talk about a fast track to losing the kids in full custody to you.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

LIL your post was great and I hope to one day be able to say what you just did. I didn't think you really wanted to 'hurt' him but I can see who at the moment you could get caught up. I don't think going to the house is a bad idea in fact I applaud you for doing. They very much are like crack addicts it is like nothing matters anymore. It is hard for me to even recognize the man I loved at one time and how he is acting right now. Like you I know if anything I will make a hell of a 2nd wife from everything I have learned. My heart hurts for my kids and I wish they didn't have to go through this but I have to say I am becoming a stronger person.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Those are great observations concerning everyone's improvement. Why did it have to take such pain to undergo these transformations? Once transformed can we maintain ourselves to the benefit of our friends, family and spouse? Occasionally we see someone whose transformation is rewarded. Hopeinhouston is one such person. Not all of us are so fortunate.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Why did it have to take such pain to undergo these transformations? *

Because sometimes we get so paralyzed by the comings and goings of life that we fail to prioritize what is actually important. She begin to contribute less and less to the family, and as a result I began to resent her more and more for it.

I think she got to the point where she felt she could never live up to my standard so she just stopped trying. The "relationship" she is in now is a complete testimony to that. The guy is so friggin pathetic that she can basically just "show up" and be worshiped for it. It's sort of like getting an "A" in gym, mere attendance is the majority of the grade.

I've known my wife was depressed for years, but it's sort of like being a gardener and having a crappy lawn. At the end of the day, she was just one more patient, and an unappreciative one at that. I can plainly see she's limping around on her leg as well. I'll bet you a dollar for a doughnut that she blew out her ACL again as well.

Yes, I made her aware of her condition, but that falls well below the "service standard". I didn't have the necessary empathy she desperately needed. I didn't listen as well as I could have, and I really wasn't attentive to her situation. Instead, I was focused on doing the things she wasn't doing. I failed her because I implemented the wrong solution. You just don't have the necessary objectivity with family members to deliver long-term effective care.

I do and did love my wife. It just became harder and harder to be there for her, as anything that even remotely resembled affection began to dry up. She would tell me one moment that I am a very gorgeous man, and in the very next tell me she didn't want to be touched. Touch, including but certainly not limited to sex, is so important to me.

Touch and service are my primary languages of love. At the end, she stopped doing just about anything for me. She didn't even leave food out if she could help it. We were less than roommates. It got to the point where I fantasized about divorce more than I did about her. 

I consider myself a good man, but in the end I am a just a man; no matter what I choose to believe about myself. I know my STBX isn't an evil or even bad person. She is just someone who lost her purpose, and then her way. 

I have had time over the last four months to take a deep life inventory. Hopefully what emerges will be a better re-tooled me. I refuse to loose this much from my life and not having anything positive to show for it. 

LIL


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

lastinline said:


> *Why did it have to take such pain to undergo these transformations? *
> 
> Because sometimes we get so paralyzed by the comings and goings of life that we fail to prioritize what is actually important. She begin to contribute less and less to the family, and as a result I began to resent her more and more for it.
> 
> ...


Do you mind if I steal everything you just said in how I'm trying to explain to a friend what I'm feeling and going through?

I've been looking for 2 months for the words to say exactly what you just did.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Great piece. I could feel my relationship slipping away subconsciously. I was in the same place. I took up the slack to avoid argument. I avoided touching to avoid rejection. I would like to hear from the other side to affirm our positions. But we have become so introspective over the last weeks I am sure LIL is spot on. Your a good man LIL.


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