# Feeling like cheating on HIM...



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

I posted about my fiance being caught the third time texting/calling another woman trying to set up sexual connections/EA.

Well, I had it. The past two days since confronting he's had terrible attitude and just totally disrespectful!! He keeps playing the victim role and giving me lip. Acting as if I need to take part of the blame or burden for what HE's doing! Finally last night he came and said sorry, he loves me, and talked about what "we" need to do, how I need to help him be a better man. At the same time he said it's in the nature of men to cheat. That made me SO Fing PISSED!

I KNOW it doesn't make any sense but I'm feeling a really, really strong urge to make myself available, the way he has. The way I look at it, he's been living in an open relationship, and I've been in a committed one all by myself, for FOUR years. committed to him, my home, my kids, and I'm wondering wth am I getting for it???

I get approached often by men interested in knowing me or asking me out. I can honestly say I *never* felt tempted. I've seriously been blind to the opposite sex, because he's the only man I had eyes for. But after all this s#it and his attitude, I'm tempted to allow what happens, to happen. I'm NOT talking about just going out jumping in bed with some random dude. I'm talking about opening my heart to the possibilities and just go with it. Releasing my love and commitment and not give an F how he feels when it happens-- I mean what's the worst that can happen? We're already at the worst than can happen. 

I know it sounds crappy, irrational, stupid, immature, and just plain wrong ... I just want to give up.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

I just want to add, through all these years, he constantly accused me of cheating, talking to someone else, seeking out other men --- which has NEVER happened, not even close. I would go out to the grocery store with my baby, and have to come home to him asking me did I flirt with someone?? And keep telling me he's SURE I have a boyfriend on the side!! I don't even know if he truly believes his own crap. I mean the nerve, after all he's done, and after he's seen my love for him! What's the point of commitment - after all his running around chasing women -- if I don't even get recognition for being the faithful one??


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Don't become like him.

In fact, don't marry him. Leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

don't let this bum drag you down to his slimmy ways.

time to move on and find someone you can trust.before you find yourself married to a cheater.

wake up you know its time to move on.


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I said this before on another thread. When you date, you are auditioning your boyfriends (and, even, your fiance) to see if they have a place in your life. You are doing the same thing to other people. Like any cast call, you pass up the ones that don't fit your criteria on what makes a good husband.

Before you be like him, please leave him. You are not married to him. While he is your fiance, you don't owe him your loyalty since he has been committing this EA and fishing for sexual fullfillment in others. That doesn't mean I say cheat on him. It means you don't have to stay with him out of loyalty.

I see that you say that you have children. Children learn how to react in their future relationships from their mother. If your children are daughters, they will learn that a woman's place in a relationship is with a cheater. If they are sons, they will learn that it is alright not to be faithful.

Do NOT stoop to his level. You can exit this relationship with your head held high and morals intact. He can't.

Get everything you need in a row. Leave for yourself. Don't trap yourself.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> ... At the same time he said it's in *the nature of men *to cheat.


Ummmm *WHAT!??*

Wow! This requires a 'rewiring' of hub's brain. If he really believes this then your marriage is doomed. And from here it sure looks that way.

BUT .... rise above it and DO NOT repeat DON'T lower yourself to the gutter. In the first place - you know it's wrong. In the second place the men who've approached you are brethren to your husband so why go there? 

Life is short live it with dignity - respect yourself, bestow it to the worthy, and demand same from those around you.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

He makes me feel sick to my stomach. I literally felt like throwing up yesterday everytime I thought about him. But I STILL love him. I feel he'll never understand how much this hurts (( I know I should leave him, but that sounds so easy to say, it feels so hard to really consider doing. What about our kids? Despite everything he's a great dad and stepdad, both girls love him to death... our baby runs from window to window looking for daddy whenever he's at work lol. How can I take all that away from her? Not to mention I don't have a penny and he's the one working. At the same time if I stay, I think I'll slowly go mad... I'll be angry at myself for being "THAT woman", that woman I never in a million years thought I would be.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Writer said:


> I see that you say that you have children. Children learn how to react in their future relationships from their mother. If your children are daughters, they will learn that a woman's place in a relationship is with a cheater. If they are sons, they will learn that it is alright not to be faithful.
> 
> Do NOT stoop to his level. You can exit this relationship with your head held high and morals intact. He can't.
> 
> Get everything you need in a row. Leave for yourself. Don't trap yourself.


I know this is true. The thought about my daughters makes me feel terrible. I hate to think of them being where I am in 20 years time. It would absolutely break my heart, 100x more than the way I feel now. But people around me (in our life) keep telling me to think about "keeping the family intact" for their sake. Just last evening this was stressed to me over and over.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel like I'm spinning and alone. You don't know how much it means to me, to have a place to vent, and have you all say out loud the things I know in my heart but keep doubting.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> But people around me (in our life) keep telling me to* think about "keeping the family intact"* for their sake. Just last evening this was stressed to me over and over.


Yah, they're the ones who'll also tell you not to remove a burst appendix so that you can keep your body intact. Ridiculous.


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> But people around me (in our life) keep telling me to think about "keeping the family intact" for their sake. Just last evening this was stressed to me over and over.


I find people in life are split down the middle, and their advice comes bias. The BS family will usually side with "Leave him". The WS will usually say, "Stay with him. You can work it out." It's why I like anonymous internet advise (and MC and IC). 

People will say to keep the family intact when something like this goes down. They haven't experienced this type of affair or they don't believe in an EA. Older people will say to keep going on because that was taught in their day. 

What a person needs to do is step back and examine all the advice and the interests of those who advise.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It doesn't sound to me like your fiance will be a good marriage partner. From what you told us he believes he can't help himself from being a bad person and it's up to you to keep him on the straight and narrow. So essentially any time he f%cks up it's not his fault it's yours. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this. 

My suggestion is to call of the marriage. Start establishing a way to earn enough to support yourself. Splitting up with him doesn't mean he's out of your daughters lives. If he's a halfway decent guy he will stay involved. If he's not than good riddance.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

> The past two days since confronting he's had terrible attitude and just totally disrespectful!! He keeps playing the victim role and giving me lip. Acting as if I need to take part of the blame or burden for what HE's doing!


Don't stand for that. My Ex behaved _the same way_ so I kicked him out. 



> Finally last night he came and said sorry, he loves me, and talked about what "we" need to do, how I need to help him be a better man. At the same time he said it's in the nature of men to cheat. That made me SO Fing PISSED!


Selfish, selfish, selfish. He is definitely not getting it yet - he may not be able to so long as you two are in the same house or at the very least, you haven't started doing 180.



> I KNOW it doesn't make any sense but I'm feeling a really, really strong urge to make myself available, the way he has. The way I look at it, he's been living in an open relationship, and I've been in a committed one all by myself, for FOUR years. committed to him, my home, my kids, and I'm wondering wth am I getting for it???


Thoughts of revenge and revenge affairs are completely normal but do not stoop to his level. It'll only hurt you in the end. Right now is the time to focus on healing yourself and thinking about what you need to do for yourself and your kid(s).



> I get approached often by men interested in knowing me or asking me out. I can honestly say I never felt tempted. I've seriously been blind to the opposite sex, because he's the only man I had eyes for.


I can relate to this. That's part of what's so devastating about the betrayal. Despite the many opportunities, you've been a good woman and then you get cheated on. Worst bargain ever.




> I'm talking about opening my heart to the possibilities and just go with it. Releasing my love and commitment and not give an F how he feels when it happens--


I understand how you feel but honestly, you're not ready to give your heart to anyone else right now. Although he doesn't deserve it, and you're hurt and angry, your fiance still has your heart.



> I mean what's the worst that can happen? We're already at the worst than can happen.


The worst that can happen is that you'll stoop to the level of your Fiance, you will feel like a POS, he can use your revenge affair as justification for his cheating and his prior accusations of you in the past AND you will be leading on other people that don't deserve to be led on in order to make yourself feel better in the moment.



> I just want to add, through all these years, he constantly accused me of cheating, talking to someone else, seeking out other men --- which has NEVER happened, not even close. I would go out to the grocery store with my baby, and have to come home to him asking me did I flirt with someone?? And keep telling me he's SURE I have a boyfriend on the side!! I don't even know if he truly believes his own crap. I mean the nerve, after all he's done, and after he's seen my love for him! What's the point of commitment - after all his running around chasing women -- if I don't even get recognition for being the faithful one??


My ex has pulled this crap for years too. Burns doesn't it? As I said in one of my own threads about this very same issue:



> What I do know though is it ads insult to injury that:
> 
> I've been treated like a cheat. (Falsely accused).
> I've been proving to him for years I'm not one. (Doing time for a crime I didn't commit).
> ...





> At the same time if I stay, I think I'll slowly go mad... I'll be angry at myself for being "THAT woman", that woman I never in a million years thought I would be.


I've thought about this too. I really think this depends on both you and your WS. I think in cases where the WS is truly remorseful and both the BS & WS stay and work together to fix the M, then the marriage can come back stronger and those feelings avoided. I think if you stay together and rug sweep then you will definitely feel like "THAT woman".



> But people around me (in our life) keep telling me to think about "keeping the family intact" for their sake. Just last evening this was stressed to me over and over.


Keeping the family in tact is the best-case scenario but at what cost? You need to think of what's right for YOU and your girls. If your F is sincere and remorseful (doesn't sound like it right now but it could change) then an R might be the best thing to do - BUT - only if you can forgive him also and you both commit to working past this. Only time will tell whether that's possible. In the meanwhile, keep working on you and being strong for your girls. There is nothing fair about your situation but it's all you can do.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He is manipulative and psychologically abusive.
You wanting to cheat on him is a substitute feeling for you wanting to walk out on the relationship, but you need to feel as though you are to blame, because that's really the way he's framed all of his issues, something to do with you, which isn't true at all. Trust your feelings, not that you want to cheat on him, but that you would rather be in a relationship where you didn't need to feel as though you needed to cheat. It's not cheating to look out for yourself, you are not married to him, so feel free to end the relationship and to get what you really need as a human being. You have been playing by his rules out of a sense of fairness for his many excuses which he holds up as facts of life which in my opinion are a bunch of BS constraints he has got you to believe...or at least to say that you accept and understand...but come on, you don't really. You know as well as I do that there are men who are not going to create this kind of world with you, you can accept someone who cares more about you and wants to build a decent life and relationship. Fair is fair, you deserve not to feel guilty for going to the grocery store, and as far as smiling at people who make your day, there is nothing sexual or cheating about that and shame on him for making you feel like that, I bet he even suggests that you are a lesbian if you try to make women friends...my ex did that and even asked me if my friends would have 3somes with us, thereby making me uncomfortable in their presence (which was probably the intended effect...) This guy is NUTS. If you stay with him, you will end up nuts as well. Toxic relationship, and you are enabling this by staying with him. He won't change. He will change enough to keep you roped in, playing the slot machine syndrome.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I suggest a three point strategy.

1. Make it clear cheating is not acceptable and you will not stay in the relationship unless it is fixed. If you have scheduled the wedding put it on hold, or set a date when you will put it on hold if problems are not addressed. The point being to send the message that you want to be with him but not at any price.

2. Work on the problem with him, considering your perspective as well as his. You want to work this out if you can.

3. Start working on a financial plan b in case you can't work it out. If he's committed to cheating marriage won't work.

P.S. at some point you will be tempted too. Happens to everyone. It's how we handle it that matters.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> There is nothing fair about your situation but it's all you can do.


THANK YOU for your reply. Wow I feel like u can relate to what I'm feeling right now... 

I just wanted to ask (anyone) what is 180 and what thread would I find that defined more ? I really don't understand what some of these terms are yet lol


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS that he did this BEFORE marriage.

Don't even stress about this. Leave him. He's not the right man for you. Not even married and cheating. dang. It won't get better, it will get worse...

Well, do what you do, but I wouldn't marry him. In fact, I'd let him have his affair partner because I'd be GONE.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

There is nothing fair about this. He messed everything up, but no matter what, you will pay a higher price for it than him (at least it will definitely feel that way). But please, look out for yourself and your girls. Stand up for them, show them what is acceptable, and what is not. Set your boundaries, set the consequences, and stick to them. You cannot control your F, you can only control yourself in the end.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I did not make it passed the thread title. Could not think much other then a screaming "DON'T DO IT!!!" 

Cheating would only lower your character and accomplish nothing. You should never give up a core value and moral out of spite or revenge. It would hurt you more then anything. Ok now I can go back and read the actual post. Sorry


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why is he your fiance?

Are you really going to marry a man who rationalizes "All men cheat"?
That kinda tells you he feels entitled to cheat, which tells you he is a cheater and will continue to cheat.
What more do you need to know?

Why would anyone knowingly call such a person "fiance"?

Dump him and go out with a couple of those guys you mention and learn for yourself not "all men cheat".
You might even find one who deserves the title "fiance".


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I should add that you need to respect your self. A revenge affair will not help anything in the end. There was a pretty intense thread last week about it, you should check it out, lots of good debate, that should help clarify the ramifications for you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54450-revenge-affair-need-advice-asap.html


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Revenge affairs hurt you more than they hurt your betrayer. I know. I speak from bitter personal experience.

I hurt everyone, my wife, the OW, my self.

Don't go there. 

Be true to yourself, find a man worthy of you. He probably isn't.


----------



## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I found out my husband cheated on me whilst we were engaged (post me filing for divorce or I'd never have married the loser!), and I have a feeling he was a serial cheater. He's now shacked up with some tramp, it's in his blood. Save yourself from further pain and leave him IMO. If he cheats now, he may well again, do you want that hanging over you?
As for a revenge affair, I understand, I'm divorcing my H and have no problem with dating if I choose to. Just make sure you are in a good place first emotionally.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

In general, I don't understand the notion of giving someone a second chance after cheating on you...while you are DATING. 
Just don't get it. And this is coming from a habitual cheater before I married my h. I, too, projected on my boyfriend. I was cheating, but he was the one accused of it. 

It's better to get out now, only 4 years in. Imagine what it's going to be like in 10 years. 
Cheating while you are dating will only make it easier to cheat while you are married. 

This guy isn't a good partner for you, and at the very least you need to call off the engagement. 

My opinion is you need to leave and work on yourself. It's hard at first, but after the initial difficult period, you will really become independent and it's quite enjoyable. Assuming the father of your first child didn't pass away, you need to rethink the men you are choosing as potential partners. You don't want to end up with a 3rd child, fathered by a 3rd man. If I recall correctly, you're in a 4 year long relationship with a man you have a 2.5 year old with. You got pregnant in less than a year of dating, am I correct? Seems like you need to begin maker more responsible and mature choices. Cheating on him is not one of them. You're a mother now, and need to behave accordingly. Subjecting kids to a bad marriage and a cheating father, doesn't seem to be too wise. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> THANK YOU for your reply. Wow I feel like u can relate to what I'm feeling right now...
> 
> I just wanted to ask (anyone) what is 180 and what thread would I find that defined more ? I really don't understand what some of these terms are yet lol


One thing I think that's amazing about this site is almost everyone, especially in the CWI forum seems to "get it"/relate. It's a very cathartic and helpful site. It's just sad that there is so much hurt out there in order for there to be so much understanding.

Read this, page about Fence Sitters there is another site with the rules but these are the exact same rules for the 180 listed on the other site so it doesn't matter.

Also, read this post on TAM if you haven't already, it's called Just Let Them Go.


I can't find it right now but there is also, Plan A/Plan B on the Marriage Builders forum... Personally, with the way your Fiance is acting, I would skip Plan A (that's the treating him nice/kissing his @ss/competing with his affair part). The 180 and Plan B are pretty similar and go hand in hand.

I am doing the 180 and No Contact to the best of my abilities/circumstances allow (we have one kid and I'm pregnant). 

No Contact should be pretty self-explanatory (simply don't contact/talk to/go out with your spouse) unless you have to (parenting, finances etc.). Keep it impersonal/strictly business.

The 180 is basically doing the opposite of what you've been doing (this is different for everybody).
For me, the 180 means letting go of my relationship/loser H, not calling him, chasing him, letting him play the victim or talk about his hurt feelings, talking to him about personal things, trying to save us etc. I am moving on. It's up to him to try to come back but I am very firm on my conditions and what needs to occur for that to happen. The risk to him is when/if he does straighten up, it might be too late. 

The benefits to me is that A) he might straighten up and actually work on us/atone for the wrongs he's done B) if he doesn't I'll have moved on and gotten over it/healed myself.

Basically you do the 180 because your cheater spouse is taking you for a given/granted. It's a wake up call to them that you can and will move on and won't put up with their BS anymore if they don't smarten up. It's also for you because you actually do move on/get stronger so whether they come back or not, you're golden.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Don’t cheat on your husband/boyfriend.

Your Husband/boyfriend is a weak and/or selfish man that has violated one of the most important virtues in a relationship. He has raped your emotions and is acting like a punk.

*You have been faithful and a trustworthy woman.* That is a virtue that good men value very highly in women. Do not throw that away because you will become like him.

Your boyfriend/husband has shown to have a perversion in his ability to be a good partner. If you want to stay with him then know that his weakness/selfishness is not something that is going to be easily improved.

Also, you need to get yourself in better shape. What I mean is that you need to get where you are more self supporting so you do not have to compromise with a cheating relationship. 

*You say that you still love him but if he does not get a lot better then your love will turn to bitterness.*

If he wants to get serious about getting a lot better he can start by stop with the cop out excuse that men have a nature to cheat. He is not even man enough to be humble when he is wrong. 

*If you want to give him another chance then I would make sure that he proved his change by his actions for a very long time.* Until that time you need to keep all your options p open and get yourself in a much more self supporting position.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The worst that can happen is that you guys get married. I am sorry to say that you both should be showing each the best you have to offer. You are not even at the hard part of life yet. What is it going to be like when you enter kids, finances and family deaths into your equation. You are at a point that you can walk away....please do it.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sorry I stand corrected on the kids and finances. Since you think that leaving is not an option, here are your choices:

1. Bury your head in the sand and let him live by his definition of a man. You will have the security you want.
2. Have an open marriage.
3. Have an affair yourself and watch him run for the hills.

Please do not sink to his level.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> I posted about my fiance being caught the third time texting/calling another woman trying to set up sexual connections/EA.
> 
> Well, I had it. The past two days since confronting he's had terrible attitude and just totally disrespectful!! He keeps playing the victim role and giving me lip. Acting as if I need to take part of the blame or burden for what HE's doing! Finally last night he came and said sorry, he loves me, and talked about what "we" need to do, how I need to help him be a better man. At the same time he said it's in the nature of men to cheat. That made me SO Fing PISSED!
> 
> ...


Don't lower yourself to his level. 

But I have to ask....since you are only engaged why would you risk marrying this man. 

You already know he is a cheat. 

The engagement should be an exciting time when you two are still exclusively on a high when around each other. 

One of my first serious boyfriends cheated on me. I ended it post haste. 

He want on to marry to cheating wives, one whom he found in his marital bed with one of her affair partners. 

I can understand someone trying to save a long term marriage because of the history, but serial cheaters and those who cheat while engaged or in the honeymoon phase are hopeless. 

Set yourself free, now, before you end up really getting hurt.


----------

