# Are Reality Checks This Difficult?



## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

After fighting with my Wife of almost 2 years, lover of 6, and friend she was 11 and I was 13, I've come to realize and accept that we aren't able to resolve our conflicts right now. Not given our situation and we're not doing each other any good by screaming and apologizing every single day we talk.

She puts all the blame on me, and I've accepted that. There's a lot I've done wrong in our relationship and I'm working to correct those flaws to make a better future. I recently started going to therapy for the first time in my life after admitting I need help, and that I don't want to be a 25-year-old divorced man who everyone blames.

Unfortunately staying together throughout this is very difficult. We barely talk, forced into a long distance relationship from a shaky one at that. She has thrown around many times in the past 2 months that she wants to leave, and I've tried to hold on, but just yesterday I decided that she's right -- for the first time in a long time, I'll admit she's right. We're not doing each other any good. I'm working on my problems for a better future and she's still living in the past and not willing to see or accept change.

I suggested that we legally separate for the next 6-12 months so I can get my life in order and she can figure out what exactly she wants out of her life. I know she's very confused and feels very alone, but I'm unable to help her right now, I can only help myself and try to make a better future for both of us. If she honestly, truly thinks that nothing will change -- let's divorce. Let's stop the hurt. If that's what you want.

I feel bad. That's an understatement. She used to be so strong for both of us, keeping everything together and never asking for much in return. I feel now our roles are reversed, only now to effectively deal with my situation I need to detach myself from the hurt and the pain -- our current relationship that she is giving up on. If she's unable to be there for us, and for me while I'm going through all this, then I don't think I need to keep trying to be there for her. All she does is shut me out and even though we won't be together physically for a little while, I need to work on myself mentally and I need to surround myself with support, not opposition.

It's extremely difficult for me to get those words out, that I think we need to go our separate ways but it's nothing new I'm saying. She has told me this many times I've begged and pleaded. Now I'm making the changes she needs to see. They're slow, barely noticeable at first, but the problem is she's looking for change from the past, for the now, and I'm only able to focus on the future. Am I wrong?

She's at work right now, and I feel strangely... sound. I don't want our relationship to be a one-way street. I don't want to be the person that wants us to work out. There has to be more than just me trying to change and wanting the best. She needs to change too, and she needs to want us to succeed.

I've been her friend for the past 12 years, since we were kids. That won't change, but neither will the hurt and the pain I feel right now as I type this unless someone does something about it. And I want to change.

I'm not sure what she's going to say or do after reading my lengthy e-mail. I felt bad for writing it, worse for sending it, but I feel even worse living it. It takes a lot of work to make a marriage succeed and happiness isn't always automatic. I hope she doesn't take what I've said the wrong way and maybe get somewhat of a "reality check," in that her actions also speak louder than words. And I'm not ignoring her this time.

It's hard to think of myself without someone out there who loves me, but I hope in the end everything works out for both of us. I never wished this upon anyone and just want us both to be happy. Whether it's happy together or apart I do not know because I don't know what she really wants. I don't think she even knows what she wants. I do know this: Jennifer, if you ever find this forum and this post; I love you with all my heart. I only want the best and if you honestly think the best is being without me -- I'm okay with that. I don't want to hurt and I don't want you to hurt either. But you can't live your life as a mystery. You have to face reality sooner or later and ask yourself: What do I really want?

I love you. And thank you for this forum. It has helped me out a lot over the past couple of months and I appreciate everyone's input. Regardless of what happens with my situation, I'm going to be a better person -- and it feels great.


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