# Do women actually like over the top, cheesy, unbelievable romance?



## Mr Pink

So my wife says I am no longer romantic, and the more we talk about it, whenever I try to do stuff she says 'you are only doing it because I said something and not because you want to do it'.

She has been reading a lot of romance novels and I can tell that she is fantasizing about cheesy romance. I even saw a text she wrote her friend that said 'i wish some amazing guy would come sweep me off my feet'. My question is, do women actually like their men to try and do the crazy cheesy romantic things that are in novels? I know that if women did over the top sexual fantasies for men, I would like that because it helps us dive into our imagination and we like that the woman is doing it solely for us. Though with her saying that it only counts if I 'want' to do things, I dont want to do something so unbelievable that it is just wasted. 

What do women think, do you want your men to do the stuff that is in books? All the normal romantic things that normal people do go unnoticed these days...


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## Jellybeans

To answer your thread title question: Yes.


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## Mr Pink

Jellybeans said:


> To answer your thread title question: Yes.


so if out of no where, I did the whole 'rose pedals in the bed, my singing on my guitar, candlelight dinner etc etc', when for years I have done nothing of the sort, she will find that romantic? Or will she just appreciate the gesture but not feel romance. I want her to FEEL romance damn it!


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## Maricha75

I would say she would... if she isn't constantly on you about it and if you do it when she least expects you to follow through. You know the things you did to woo her? Yea, those... do that stuff. It won't be wasted. TBH, though, looking at it from the point of view "I don't want to waste the effort" hardly qualifies as romantic. Make the effort, show her you care. Oh, and like Jellybeans said: yes.


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## SunnyT

To answer the title of your post... no. (LOL...sorry Jelly!)

I don't need want all that cheesy "romance". I do want to feel loved, appreciated, and desired.... which I think is basically what every spouse wants regardless of gender. 

Some women have a very distinct romance/sex connection.... others not so much. But you have to do what works for YOUR wife, in order for her to desire YOU.... 

Consider her "love language", and go from there.... do it sincerely, because you want her to feel loved and desired. What do you have to lose? Woo her in a way that she can appreciate.


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## Mr Pink

SunnyT said:


> To answer the title of your post... no. (LOL...sorry Jelly!)
> 
> I don't need want all that cheesy "romance". I do want to feel loved, appreciated, and desired.... which I think is basically what every spouse wants regardless of gender.
> 
> Some women have a very distinct romance/sex connection.... others not so much. But you have to do what works for YOUR wife, in order for her to desire YOU....
> 
> Consider her "love language", and go from there.... do it sincerely, because you want her to feel loved and desired. What do you have to lose? Woo her in a way that she can appreciate.



So her love language, is physical touch (crazy I know), but still when I go to touch her she often recoils and never touches me back. She has a strong romance/sex connection, or atleast she says, and I feel I do the normal stuff, like flowers, dishes, notes, financial stability, take care of my self, etc. So really what is left is the over the top stuff, but I have no clue if that stuff actually works on women. Like do women really go for rose pedals on the bed and all that stuff? Or is that to much


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## Holland

I don't like OTT romantic gestures but I love to get flowers. Have never read a romance novel and am not into romantic movies.
Lucky for me I do get flowers and I make it very clear just how much I adore that gesture. 

My idea of a romantic gesture is more along the lines of him giving me his undivided attention, being intune with who I am and then out of the blue days later sending me a txt that shows he listened and understood what we had talked about. Makes my heart flutter.

Making breakfast together then sitting outside to eat it is pure bliss. Also when we are going for a ride and he makes food to take with us, so sweet.


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## Mavash.

Mr Pink said:


> whenever I try to do stuff she says 'you are only doing it because I said something and not because you want to do it'.


This is so not fair. I've been guilty of it but it's still not fair. If I ask my husband to do something and he DOES IT. I've learned to appreciate the effort and not berate him because he's not a mind reader.

So the answer is to TRY to convince her that she is your everything and that is why you will do whatever she wants. You want her to be happy. And while you wish you were as romantic as those men are in books you just aren't. If she teaches you what she wants you are willing to learn (most men are).

To answer your thread title these days yes I am a sucker for romance. I'd probably faint if my husband went to any amount of effort in the romance department I don't care what it was I'd appreciate it.


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## moxy

Some women do. Some women don't. 

Some women want romance, some want passion, some want dependability, and still others want novelty. The basic principle is that they want to feel like they matter to you and they want to believe you feel it so much sometimes that you can't help but express it. 

What she is saying is that she wants you to express your love and desire for her in a way that she can notice it because that will make her feel special and valued by you. Most women do want to feel special to the one they consider special.

Make it your mission to seduce her all over again, as if you were dating. Get to know who she is now. It will revitalize things for you both. Surprise her now and again with dates or spontaneous expressions of affection. Talk to her. Who wants to be stuck in a rut? Wanting romance is just another way of saying she wants to feel alive and loved; give it to her.


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## bubbly girl

Mavash. said:


> To answer your thread title these days yes I am a sucker for romance. I'd probably faint if my husband went to any amount of effort in the romance department I don't care what it was I'd appreciate it.


Same here. Hell, I've flat out told my husband SEVERAL times that I'd like flowers. And not just on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day or my birthday. Still nothing. I would definitely appreciate any kind of effort, but I doubt it'll happen.


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## SunnyT

I think... you know her, if you think you need to "go over the top" then it's worth a shot. 

I think my "needs" for romance are filled in lots of little ways.... a sweet slow dance around the front room when a favorite song comes on. Or he brings me something with my nickname on it... yesterday it was chocolate flavored sunflower seeds called Sunny Seeds. His humor in the morning, opening doors, rubbing my back.... it's the little stuff. 

So if her language really is physical touch, then learn how to do REAL massages... do that pressure therapy (I forget the name of it) on her feet, etc... 

And ya, maybe the rose petals or "Get dressed up Baby, we're going dancing" might work.

Good Luck!

*Edited: REFLEXOLOGY.... I knew it would come to me! And ya... what moxy said!!


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## moxy

Mr Pink said:


> So really what is left is the over the top stuff, but I have no clue if that stuff actually works on women. Like do women really go for rose pedals on the bed and all that stuff? Or is that to much


It's not the act itself, it's the evidence of the attention paid to the act by the man doing the thing, which is a representation of his desire for her.


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## Mr Pink

You know its weird, I do think that at this point it needs the over the top kinda stuff. I am super dependable and support her financially to the point to where she doesnt need to work. I buy flowers and do notes weekly, do the dishes and vacuum the house. Its strange that I do all that stuff and still, when I spy on her texts ( I know I shouldnt do that), she says stuff to her friends like 'i want a man who sees me' or 'i want an amazing guy to come sweep me off my feet'. I used to be so angry bc I really do feel that I do all the things that 99% of my other male friends dont do and I get the least amount of respect for it....

That being said, I do think that I just need to DO stuff rather than ask if she wants me to do stuff. For the last few days, Ive asked her if she wanted a back massage before sleep and she says no. She said no tonight, I told her to roll over anyways and just started massaging and she gladly accepted and even thanked me for it. I think she is one of those women who not only doesnt say what she means, but will often say no when she means yes (ok cue the jokes). I guess at this point I dont have much to lose...any ideas of crazy OTT romantic gestures? This is my last chance to save my marriage here...


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## Mr Pink

moxy said:


> It's not the act itself, it's the evidence of the attention paid to the act by the man doing the thing, which is a representation of his desire for her.


This is the problem, is that I do pay attention, she just doesnt tell me anything. So I really need to guess.....


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## moxy

Mr Pink said:


> This is the problem, is that I do pay attention, she just doesnt tell me anything. So I really need to guess.....


I don't mean to imply that you aren't paying attention to HER. You sound very much like a nice guy and she sounds very pampered, so it sounds like you are trying your best to pay attention to her. However, her comments that she wants a man who sees her says several things.

1) You two are speaking different love languages. You are showing her love, but for some reason, she isn't seeing that you are doing so. You can do this more efficiently, by learning her love language and giving her just the right kind of loving expression that she understands and responds to. Try reading "The Five Love Languages" together and talking about it.

2) You're doing acts that feel too generic and not specific to her, so she feels like you'd just be doing this for anyone you're with and not necessarily just her. She doesn't feel special. She sees this expression of your affection as just a part of you and not something that she has inspired in you. 

Something else that reinforces this concept is the fact that you are looking for ideas of what might be big OTT romantic gestures from people on a board and then hoping to carry them out instead of devising something that is tailored to her desires and wishes and personality. Getting ideas is a great thing and I commend your efforts to make your wife happy, but your efforts in doing so could be more precisely targeted if you look for clues at home. She is putting out hints and signals and wants you to pick them up; this is a test of your love and you're not passing it because you're not seeing the hints -- totally common among those who have a very strong desire to be "swept off the feet". She wants you to notice what hints she is putting out there.

3) You've met so many of her needs for her that you've left her nothing to contribute to the relationship and yet she feels like something is missing because she is kind of at a loss for what to do. She needs something more to occupy her time and attention so that she isn't automatically looking to you to fill the drive in her to feel alive. Once she starts feeling proud of her own achievements, she won't be looking at you to fill the hole in her sense of self worth, which is currently tied up in this romance thing.

You guys are connecting at each other instead of connecting to each other and that's what's missing and what she wants from you. 


When women want big gestures, often, they want the big gestures not because they like the drama and flair of something big, but because if a guy has gone all out to show his love, then his love for her must be big and intense. If his love for her is big and intense to such an extent that he expresses it grandly, then she must really be worth something great. So, the bigger, more specifically tailored, and more personal the gesture, the more the woman feels loved; the more the woman feels loved, the more her self-confidence is lifted. The amount of time and attention the man has spent on the gesture is not really relevant, but how much it seems like he has spent on the gesture is because that is directly related to how much he must love her. That's what I mean by the attention bit.

If a guy buys his woman a card, that says something different from a guy buying her a pet, a box of candy, a piece of jewelry, a car, a home. If a guy plans a nice dinner and movie, that means something different from a guy planning a fireworks show for her, an intimate picnic in a spot overlooking the place where they had their first date, a scavenger hunt tour through all the memorable dates they've been on together. The amount of attention apparent in the planning of the gesture is an indicator of the amount of love the person has for the woman. 

Playing big elaborate games all the time, though can become exhausting. All romance all the time is also unattractive because one becomes accustomed to it, building up a tolerance to it that demands more and more each time. Learning her love language will enable you to strike more often in the right place and with the right force. And, encouraging her to pursue worthwhile hobbies and activities and projects so that she can feel pride in something, will help her to become less dependent on you for her self-worth, meaning that she will appreciate more of your gestures more readily.

I don't know if that is necessarily universal, but this is how I see the situation you've presented. Use the opportunity to talk to her more; by making her an active participant in your love life, you will both benefit!


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## Mr Pink

moxy said:


> I don't mean to imply that you aren't paying attention to HER. You sound very much like a nice guy and she sounds very pampered, so it sounds like you are trying your best to pay attention to her. However, her comments that she wants a man who sees her says several things.
> 
> 1) You two are speaking different love languages. You are showing her love, but for some reason, she isn't seeing that you are doing so. You can do this more efficiently, by learning her love language and giving her just the right kind of loving expression that she understands and responds to. Try reading "The Five Love Languages" together and talking about it.
> 
> 2) You're doing acts that feel too generic and not specific to her, so she feels like you'd just be doing this for anyone you're with and not necessarily just her. She doesn't feel special. She sees this expression of your affection as just a part of you and not something that she has inspired in you.
> 
> Something else that reinforces this concept is the fact that you are looking for ideas of what might be big OTT romantic gestures from people on a board and then hoping to carry them out instead of devising something that is tailored to her desires and wishes and personality. Getting ideas is a great thing and I commend your efforts to make your wife happy, but your efforts in doing so could be more precisely targeted if you look for clues at home. She is putting out hints and signals and wants you to pick them up; this is a test of your love and you're not passing it because you're not seeing the hints -- totally common among those who have a very strong desire to be "swept off the feet". She wants you to notice what hints she is putting out there.
> 
> 3) You've met so many of her needs for her that you've left her nothing to contribute to the relationship and yet she feels like something is missing because she is kind of at a loss for what to do. She needs something more to occupy her time and attention so that she isn't automatically looking to you to fill the drive in her to feel alive. Once she starts feeling proud of her own achievements, she won't be looking at you to fill the hole in her sense of self worth, which is currently tied up in this romance thing.
> 
> You guys are connecting at each other instead of connecting to each other and that's what's missing and what she wants from you.
> 
> 
> When women want big gestures, often, they want the big gestures not because they like the drama and flair of something big, but because if a guy has gone all out to show his love, then his love for her must be big and intense. If his love for her is big and intense to such an extent that he expresses it grandly, then she must really be worth something great. So, the bigger, more specifically tailored, and more personal the gesture, the more the woman feels loved; the more the woman feels loved, the more her self-confidence is lifted. The amount of time and attention the man has spent on the gesture is not really relevant, but how much it seems like he has spent on the gesture is because that is directly related to how much he must love her. That's what I mean by the attention bit.
> 
> If a guy buys his woman a card, that says something different from a guy buying her a pet, a box of candy, a piece of jewelry, a car, a home. If a guy plans a nice dinner and movie, that means something different from a guy planning a fireworks show for her, an intimate picnic in a spot overlooking the place where they had their first date, a scavenger hunt tour through all the memorable dates they've been on together. The amount of attention apparent in the planning of the gesture is an indicator of the amount of love the person has for the woman.
> 
> Playing big elaborate games all the time, though can become exhausting. All romance all the time is also unattractive because one becomes accustomed to it, building up a tolerance to it that demands more and more each time. Learning her love language will enable you to strike more often in the right place and with the right force. And, encouraging her to pursue worthwhile hobbies and activities and projects so that she can feel pride in something, will help her to become less dependent on you for her self-worth, meaning that she will appreciate more of your gestures more readily.
> 
> I don't know if that is necessarily universal, but this is how I see the situation you've presented. Use the opportunity to talk to her more; by making her an active participant in your love life, you will both benefit!


I think you have hit the nail on the head. Ive done so many things for her and have always been her rock. Ive bought her a house, cars, all kinds of stuff. And I do agree that maybe her self worth is taking a hit because she doesnt contribute anything to the relationship financially or emotionally since she doesnt work and is usually very closed off. We have both said that we are going to start working on 'finding ourselves', I just hope that in all her new activities, she doesnt find a new man, but instead starts to see the value in the things I do for her. 

She doesnt take gestures like me reading books and 'trying' to fix our marriage well. I swear she is the guy in this relationship, she thinks I am lame for reading books. I did get her to take the 5 love languages test and found that hers is physical touch, though I can tell ya, its not my physical touch she loves. That is still a mystery to me, as I could have sworn it was acts of service but it wasnt.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Mr Pink said*: I buy flowers and do notes weekly, do the dishes and vacuum the house. Its strange that I do all that stuff and still, when I spy on her texts ( I know I shouldnt do that), she says stuff to her friends like 'i want a man who sees me' or 'i want an amazing guy to come sweep me off my feet'. I used to be so angry bc I really do feel that I do all the things that 99% of my other male friends dont do and I get the least amount of respect for it...


 Are you an Acts of Service man?? You sound like you do alot here -beings she is not working.... doing the dishes & vacuuming is hardly romantic... you might have fallen into a little "Nice Guy" trap.. and these notes you write, can you give examples of what you say??

If she is reading Romance Novels... these are dripping with PASSION, a passionate DESIRE/ LUST for her body, to be taken by a man who can't control himself -kinda like star crossed lovers who have not seen each other in days/weeks and they need to be in each others arms desperately, ripping each others clothes off. 

Physical & mental attraction is HUGE....do you feel this has slipped over the years ?? 












> So her love language, is physical touch (crazy I know), but still when I go to touch her she often recoils and never touches me back.


 Is it possible your style of coming on to her is ...too Nice Guyish? Just a thought...since you are helping with all this housework, this seems to go hand in hand sometimes... If you have to ASK HER if she wants sex, ASK HER if she wants a massage, right there it is like you are doing it - to please her. Not because You are showing desire to .....just TAKE HER...

SHe is thristing for some NEW spark...somewhere ....you need to revv her Dopamine levels towards you. 



> I think she is one of those women who not only doesnt say what she means, but will often say no when she means yes


 From all you have said, this is making sense......she is not helping the situation at all, just leaving you hanging, seems she tells you she wants something -then pushes you away. She is conflicting for sure. One needs to talk about this openly & honestly... as all woman are different !! TRULY....otherwise you are just blindly stabbing in the dark for answers here. 

And she doesn't know you are reading her Texts either ...hmmmm. 

Some love flowers, personally I'd rather my husband pick some from the back yard, another woman would scream ! I'd rather him grab my butt & grope me over rose pedals on the bed. I am all touchy /feely - want to feel his DESIRE and passion type ( yeah like those HOT Romance novels)...... Gifts, I could care less, if he bought me flowers, I'd probably ask how much they cost ~ Not very nice. He already knows this. Now if he bought me some sexy lingerie -cause it would UP his excitment, I would be all over that !

Romance to me... is verbal sharing your heart, a vulnerable expressing how much the other means to you....my husband is wonderful here.... but not BIG into writing..but he has taken the time to email me a special song & a few sentences of how he feels about our life together....very touching, to the soul ....Love it .

...Or telling me he thought of us when hearing a love song at work...(we are big into music).... reaching for my hand while taking a walk, a little flirting with me out to eat, eyes at each other... roaming hands at the movie theater....acting like we are young & love is all new again.... Yeah... this IS Romance ...for me. More the Passionate amorous style....Not necessarily "corny". 

I did 2 threads on these subjects - Romance Tests in these links >> 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html

















http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...you-enjoy-sappy-movies-your-wife-gag-run.html


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## SimplyAmorous

Mr Pink said:


> She doesnt take gestures like me reading books and 'trying' to fix our marriage well. I swear she is the guy in this relationship, she thinks I am lame for reading books. I did get her to take the 5 love languages test and found that hers is physical touch, though I can tell ya, its not my physical touch she loves. That is still a mystery to me, as I could have sworn it was acts of service but it wasnt.


You need to get your hands on this book >>

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Books

and  No More Mr. Nice Guy! Books

Website >> No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career

Test here >> No More Mr. Nice Guy Self-Assessment 

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.



> Nice Guys are Givers
> 
> Nice Guys fix & Caretake
> 
> Nice Guys seek approval from others
> 
> Nice Guys avoid Conflict
> 
> Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws & mistakes
> 
> Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things
> 
> Nice Guys REPRESS their feelings
> 
> Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers
> 
> Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men
> 
> Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority
> 
> Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center


There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life. 

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...



> Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .


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## RandomDude

If I'm on a good mood, I always do, or try to...

Kinda fking hard when I try to do something nice and romantic but NOOO... guess it doesn't even fking matter as long as I put out. Fk that! Plenty of women would appreciate the fact that I ALWAYS want to flirt/tease/have some FKING ROMANCE, even if I'm married waking up with the same woman everyday but NOOOO...

It doesn't fking mean sh-t!


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## Mr Pink

_Are you an Acts of Service man?? You sound like you do alot here -beings she is not working.... doing the dishes & vacuuming is hardly romantic... you might have fallen into a little "Nice Guy" trap.. and these notes you write, can you give examples of what you say??_

I am not an acts of service guy at all, I just went with the book and listened to what she griped about the most and assumed this was her love language, so when it wasnt I was shocked. In the notes I write about how much I miss her when she is gone, how much she means to me, and that Ill be missing her till she comes back, those types of things...

_If she is reading Romance Novels... these are dripping with PASSION, a passionate DESIRE/ LUST for her body, to be taken by a man who can't control himself -kinda like star crossed lovers who have not seen each other in days/weeks and they need to be in each others arms desperately, ripping each others clothes off.  

Physical & mental attraction is HUGE....do you feel this has slipped over the years ?? _

God yes it totally has. I think she is still super sexy but I think i am embarrassed to approach her in that way, I guess it cant hurt now can it, but didnt know how she would take it the very first time I approached her and it was WAY different than anything ive ever done before. 


_
Is it possible your style of coming on to her is ...too Nice Guyish? Just a thought...since you are helping with all this housework, this seems to go hand in hand sometimes... If you have to ASK HER if she wants sex, ASK HER if she wants a massage, right there it is like you are doing it - to please her. Not because You are showing desire to .....just TAKE HER...

SHe is thristing for some NEW spark...somewhere ....you need to revv her Dopamine levels towards you. _ 

Very possible. For years I used to grope and not be very sensual, untill recently she told me she didnt like that (I dont know why I would be very grabby and handsy, but she never said otherwise till recently). For a while now, ive done things like try and hold her hand, give her foot massages, etc, but those arent met with any type of response either. Literally I think she is a robot, so i was amazed to see that was her love language. 

_From all you have said, this is making sense......she is not helping the situation at all, just leaving you hanging, seems she tells you she wants something -then pushes you away. She is conflicting for sure. One needs to talk about this openly & honestly... as all woman are different !! TRULY....otherwise you are just blindly stabbing in the dark for answers here. _ 

I agree, but I have no where else to turn..Ive tried it all it seems...

_And she doesn't know you are reading her Texts either ...hmmmm. _

I wish I wasnt, but she has been really shady all summer and this is how I know most of her true feelings...since she doesnt tell me herself..


_ Some love flowers, personally I'd rather my husband pick some from the back yard, another woman would scream ! I'd rather him grab my butt & grope me over rose pedals on the bed. I am all touchy /feely - want to feel his DESIRE and passion type ( yeah like those HOT Romance novels)...... Gifts, I could care less, if he bought me flowers, I'd probably ask how much they cost ~ Not very nice. He already knows this. Now if he bought me some sexy lingerie -cause it would UP his excitment, I would be all over that !_

Everytime I mention lingerie she says 'that is so dumb why buy that for so much money etc etc'. Is this one of those scenarios where I just go buy it and tell her to wear it instead of asking her about it?


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## livnlearn

Holland said:


> My idea of a romantic gesture is more along the lines of him giving me his undivided attention, being intune with who I am and then out of the blue days later sending me a txt that shows he listened and understood what we had talked about. Makes my heart flutter.
> 
> Making breakfast together then sitting outside to eat it is pure bliss. Also when we are going for a ride and he makes food to take with us, so sweet.


These things are along the lines of what I consider "romantic" gestures. Especially undivided attention where it is apparent that he has actually LISTENED and HEARD me...I could almost orgasm right here at the thought of that.:lol:

as far as over-the top cheesy romance...HATE it...but I also hate all books and movies that contain it.


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## Mr Pink

I just ordered MMSLP and I hope it will help, as Ill crush it tomorrow. So far 5 love languages and other books havent done anything for me.


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## Mr Pink

Trenton said:


> She's one of those ladies that think 'if I have to tell you to do it and you do it, it doesn't count'
> 
> I know because I'm one of those ladies too.
> 
> My husband is a master at getting this aspect right though.
> 
> He had a time when he brought me flowers so often that I actually complained. Like...holy crap hun, get over the flower crap already.
> 
> So the next day he buys me flowers and I'm thinking...wtf, dude is daft.
> 
> I would ask him all haughty and rude...what? You didn't get the memo that I clearly spelled out for you yesterday? (me = high maintenance)
> 
> He's all coy and says...you should take a closer look at the flowers. So I take a closer look at the flowers and see that a necklace is hanging from one of them.
> 
> Oh, he's so tricky and flattering and good at showing me that he gets the memo's and sticks it to me at the same time.
> 
> The time after that there were paper flowers cut up and colored and placed in a vase. Ha! He really entertains and thrills me with his antics because on one hand he is actually making fun of me, but on the other hand, he is really giving me what I want too (someone who is creative, romantic and thoughtful and loving in his behaviors). It ends up endearing me to him again and again and again.
> 
> It does come naturally to him though as his default setting is creative/thoughtful.
> 
> Maybe that's what your wife longs for, she wants to know that you're thinking about her deeply and then expressing it in creative, fun ways that seem less like a chore or done only because you think she wants.
> 
> My husband has always been a successful romantic because he always convinces me that pleasing me is a source of deep joy for him. It makes me really want to please him in return.



Yes she is one of those women, if she has to tell me what to do, then it doesnt count. So i need to guess. Also anything where she has said no, I have to guess if she really means no or means yes. Very confusing.


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## moxy

If her love language is physical touch and she's not responding to yours, then you've got to find a way to really get her excited by you physically.

I'm a words and touch gal, personally, and if my stbxh was telling me he loved me and having sex with me every day, I was happy to be be paying all the bills and taking care of anything he wanted and didn't worry over anything else he was up to; double ouch for me to find emails of his cheating, as his acts of service didn't wipe out the red in the ledger from that. My point is, that neglect or betrayal in the areas where a person feels love most is going to hit hard and getting attention in the other departments won't compensate enough. You're giving her acts of service and words of affirmation, but she's wanting touch and gifts, I'm guessing. Being a person who responds a lot to touch, if you're not getting her going in that department, it's going to be radiating into everything else she does....

Back off the lovey notes and some of the housework. Tell her that you want to share the household burden a little more equally. And, the next time you want to be intimate with her, don't ask, just demonstrate that you want her (obviously don't take her against her will or something), but....when you're going to kiss someone, do you ask permission, "can I kiss you now?" or do you look longingly and intensely into her eyes and draw yourself really close and touch her arm or her face like she is the whole world in that instant? The latter is something she will go for, while the former will annoy her because it will feel like an act of service, like maintenance, like she's just a thing you're doing upkeep on rather than someone who has inspired major passion in him.

It isn't attention that is lacking, but connection; she wants to connect and isn't able to and is neither articulating her feelings to you fairly, nor really trying actively to figure out what she wants, but is hoping you will see it in her and show it to her. 

SimplyAmorous has some really useful points in the post above, too. Check out some of the "No More Mr Nice Guy" stuff.


----------



## RandomDude

How the fk has romance become a chore?

Then again, the bloody missus can turn around and ask me a similar question, how the fk has sex become a chore?

Fk my life!


----------



## Thewife

For me "yes" but not always. He shows romance most of the time and slowly getting better with the cheesy stuff. I also read a lot of romance novel and am guilty of not appreciating what he did upon my request during the early stage of our marriage but not now, we know each other well and what each other want. 

I do believe in great romantic moments and I do get it, If I just sit and expect without doing my part I can guarantee that i will not get that kinda romance. 

Wonder why the novels make it look like only guys are supposed to create romantic moments.


----------



## RandomDude

Trenton said:


> Lack of balance.
> 
> You have a good life and lots to be grateful for Mister Dude.


No, I had a REALLY FKED day and I wish everyone in RL right now would leave me the fk alone in my own man-cave till I get it all out so no one has to deal with my sh-t... except for anonymous randoms on the internet 

Hell I'll be diagnosed as someone with anger management problems after today if I didn't have this forum to vent.

And no, my life isn't as good as I try to make myself think it is. I'm a sole provider with problems I never mention to anyone not even this forum - unless I'm pissed off with it like today. My wife is good, but damn does she need to learn the 5 letter word...

S P A C E
*sighs*
Sorry, I'm really troubled today


----------



## Mr Pink

Thewife said:


> For me "yes" but not always. He shows romance most of the time and slowly getting better with the cheesy stuff. I also read a lot of romance novel and am guilty of not appreciating what he did upon my request during the early stage of our marriage but not now, we know each other well and what each other want.
> 
> I do believe in great romantic moments and I do get it, If I just sit and expect without doing my part I can guarantee that i will not get that kinda romance.
> 
> Wonder why the novels make it look like only guys are supposed to create romantic moments.



This exact point has been my stick the whole time, is that I dont feel she is doing ANYTHING to make us better. The lack of sex, romance, etc, etc, etc, she just blames on me, wont tell me what I need to do, then just sits back and waits for stuff to happen. When things dont happen or she doesnt feel differently, she blames me. We have been together for 10 years but only married for 3, but this lack of romance almost seems insurmountable because its such a fragile topic between us. We even talked about separating. Its very difficult, but Im trying to lay low while we are both 'finding ourselves' so that I can surprise her with some OTT stuff...got nothing to lose I guess.


----------



## moxy

You said a couple of more things that make me wonder.

You say that her love language is touch, but she's shrinking away from yours. In another post, you say that she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and don't know if I ever was" speech. You also say that she is dwelling on how she needs a particular kind of man, in her texts to her friends. Are you certain that she isn't cheating (emotionally, if not physically) or crushing on someone else?

Are there any other possible red flags that she is up to something shady? Have you looked into her situation beyond just her texts? Like, reviewed your phone bills and credit card statements? Checked the internet browser histories? Peeked in on her emails or social networking messages? I'd verify that she isn't interested in someone else, personally. I advocate this a lot because I was blindsided by my stbxh's cheating...never saw it coming and then, bam, there it was. I don't wish that pain on anyone (except the OWs; I wish misery and hellfire upon them daily) and I think that being vigilant is important to safeguarding a marriage when one spouse seems to be hiding things, like the truth of her feelings.

Obviously, unmet needs could be the answer to your situation, and it isn't always cheating that causes the disconnect...however, it's best to know all the variables in the equation, right? Of course, if you snoop and don't find anything, then cease the snooping and choose dialogue instead.


----------



## moxy

RandomDude said:


> Sorry, I'm really troubled today


Hang in there! I hope things get better. Venting is a good thing.


----------



## RandomDude

Thanks... I really needed it, ok I'll try, and yeah... I'll stop hijacking heh


----------



## Mr Pink

moxy said:


> You said a couple of more things that make me wonder.
> 
> You say that her love language is touch, but she's shrinking away from yours. In another post, you say that she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and don't know if I ever was" speech. You also say that she is dwelling on how she needs a particular kind of man, in her texts to her friends. Are you certain that she isn't cheating (emotionally, if not physically) or crushing on someone else?
> 
> Obviously, unmet needs could be the answer to your situation, and it isn't always cheating that causes the disconnect...however, it's best to know all the variables in the equation, right?
> 
> Are there any other possible red flags that she is up to something shady? Have you looked into her situation beyond just her texts? Like, reviewed your phone bills and credit card statements? Checked the internet browser histories? Peeked in on her emails or social networking messages? I'd verify that she isn't interested in someone else, personally. I advocate this a lot because I was blindsided by my stbxh's cheating...never saw it coming and then, bam, there it was. I don't wish that pain on anyone (except the OWs; I wish misery and hellfire upon them daily) and I think that being vigilant is important to safeguarding a marriage when one spouse seems to be hiding things, like the truth of her feelings. Of course, if you snoop and don't find anything, then cease the snooping and choose dialogue instead.



So this all started when she changed her email password a few months ago, something she never does. I was able to get into her emial through her phone, long story short saw she was emailing her ex bf. I was pissed for a while, but he lives 3000 miles away, and the convo remained innocent and she was just sending him a picture of the VT memorial shooting she took (since he went there). I havent checked her emial in a couple weeks, but last I checked, there was zero touchy feely things, atleast on her part. I still considered it borderline emotional cheating. 

Then the texts are from her friends who ALL have relationship problems and fill her head with all this non sense. So when I see those texts, I know half of it is girl talk and half of it is how she feels, So I dont take it the same way as if she said those things to me...still I dont like reading those words come from her mouth. As far as I know, she isnt interested in another person per se, but I can tell her receptors are open for someone to swoop in. Thats why I dont want to do this 'wait and find ourselves' thing bc I dont want her to find someone else.


----------



## RandomDude

Now that's fked up... if my wife ever did that, all she needs to wait for is a mood like this, and I'll be kicking her out on the streets without GIVING A FLYING ****

Damn... sometimes threads like this make me realise I shouldn't really be too harsh on my wife. BUT F--K!!!! She rubbed it in! WTF she expects?! 
Sorry I'm gibbering randomly here...


----------



## moxy

She changed her password AND she's talking to her ex? Um, that's affair-land right there and either she has crossed the border into it or intends to.

Changing the email password is very bad. She may have a secret email address through which she corresponds with the "ex". She may be deleting emails. 

Get a VAR in her car or in your bedroom. Get a key logger. Find out what is happening. Then confront her about whatever you do know and give her this option --

Honey, we aren't connecting and you're talking to your ex secretly; do you want to quit cold turkey, tell me the truth about what's going in with us, and get marriage counseling, or shall we head over to the divorce attorney tomorrow?


----------



## Thewife

Mr pink, sorry you are going through this, l also feel that your problem is more than the romantic gestures so you might want to address the underlying cause in addition. 

There is a thread in long term success in marriage on "how do you celebrate you wedding anniversaries" you can find a lot of wonderful ideas there shared by many successful couples do check it out. I'll see if i can post the link


----------



## Thewife

here you go, hope it helps in some way

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...you-celebrate-your-wedding-anniversaries.html


----------



## *LittleDeer*

I love romantic gestures. They show me he's thinking about me and still wants to make an effort. When he loves me and is romantic and cherishes me and thinks about me, without being asked, it makes me want to be a better partner too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dollystanford

If you want to write me poetry, no
If you want to buy me diamonds, sure

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Pink

moxy said:


> She changed her password AND she's talking to her ex? Um, that's affair-land right there and either she has crossed the border into it or intends to.
> 
> Changing the email password is very bad. She may have a secret email address through which she corresponds with the "ex". She may be deleting emails.
> 
> Get a VAR in her car or in your bedroom. Get a key logger. Find out what is happening. Then confront her about whatever you do know and give her this option --
> 
> Honey, we aren't connecting and you're talking to your ex secretly; do you want to quit cold turkey, tell me the truth about what's going in with us, and get marriage counseling, or shall we head over to the divorce attorney tomorrow?


She is the kind of girl that if I bust her on anything, she will immediately go on the offensive and then accuse me of not trusting her, privacy concerns, etc. So while I may win the argument, you can bet that is the end of the marriage. She is not computer savvy at all, and she isnt emailing him from another email address. I did pay very close attention to the way she wrote in her emails, and I can say that SO FAR the emails are just geared around her sharing the VT memorial photo. Nothing about us, nothing about them, nothing about feelings....yet. To be continued on that. However, not saying that she is doing it because of a disconnect between us, but Im sure it doesnt help, so rather than try and just spy on her I want to actually fix the problem, which I feel is her lack of perceived romance.


----------



## Cosmos

I like romantic gestures, but tend not to think about them when my basic needs are being met. I think Dr Harley says it all, and I can't recommend it enough:- Emotional Needs Questionnaire


----------



## Mr Pink

I have been meeting her basic needs, with 100% consistency
and zero drama for 10 years. I think that is part of the problem, because she takes for granted the life we have built together and the life that I have enabled her to have (she hasnt worked for years and gets to do her hobby of showing dogs fulltime).


----------



## Cosmos

Mr Pink said:


> I have been meeting her basic needs, with 100% consistency
> and zero drama for 10 years. I think that is part of the problem, because she takes for granted the life we have built together and the life that I have enabled her to have (she hasnt worked for years and gets to do her hobby of showing dogs fulltime).


In that case she could be bored with her own life and projecting that onto your relationship - wanting more and more, but never satisfied with what she gets, because she's not addressing the real problem. Without hearing her side of things, it's hard to say, Mr Pink. How about you both doing Dr Harley's questionnaire about His Needs / Her Needs?


----------



## *LittleDeer*

Mr Pink said:


> I have been meeting her basic needs, with 100% consistency
> and zero drama for 10 years. I think that is part of the problem, because she takes for granted the life we have built together and the life that I have enabled her to have (she hasnt worked for years and gets to do her hobby of showing dogs fulltime).


Is there a lack of perceived romance, or an actual lack of?

How much time do you both focus on each other? How is your sex life?

How will it harm you to invest some time every day into being romantic? 
Also do you flirt with each other, send sexy text messages or have racy phone calls etc? All of that stuff is indicative of a healthy connected romantic sex life IMO.


----------



## WyshIknew

SimplyAmorous said:


> You need to get your hands on this book >>
> 
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Books
> 
> and  No More Mr. Nice Guy! Books
> 
> Website >> No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career
> 
> Test here >> No More Mr. Nice Guy Self-Assessment
> 
> Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.
> 
> 
> 
> There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life.
> 
> Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...



If you do nothing else follow this advice, especially Married Mans Sex Life. By pandering to her every need she feels that she has a higher 'sex rank' than you and her online activities are indicative of her looking for somebody she percieves as higher than you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Mr Pink said:


> She is the kind of girl that if I bust her on anything, she will immediately go on the offensive and then accuse me of not trusting her, privacy concerns, etc. So while I may win the argument, you can bet that is the end of the marriage.


 This is a huge divide in communication - which is one of your biggest marital problems - with her being this way...blame shifting. 

I really feel in order to save a marriage, one must be prepared to loose it and *emotional honesty *is the 1st step towards that, if she wants to play these blaming games, nothing will ever change in your marriage. She will continue to keep hiding, and secretly dreaming of some Knight ...while you are getting her emotional crumbs. She has totally taken you for granted, she views you as a SURE thing, yes, the lower "sex rank". 

Work on yourself -with the help of those 2 books, but never fear being assertive with your wife- in how you feel and what you will no longer put up with...... because this IS what women respect , it WILL get their attention. It may seem counterproductive to you right now.... but if she realizes she has a chance to LOOSE you... this may be the 1st step in winning her back to you....and saving your marriage. 




> However, not saying that she is doing it because of a disconnect between us, but Im sure it doesnt help, so rather than try and just spy on her I want to actually fix the problem, which I feel is her lack of perceived romance.


 I , too feel it MORE than a lack of romance on your part... You are pandering to her... she has lost RESPECT, taking you for granted... . this needs won back ......then "attraction" will once again SPRING in her . It just works like that.


----------



## bubbly girl

SimplyAmorous said:


> You need to get your hands on this book >>
> 
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Books
> 
> and  No More Mr. Nice Guy! Books
> 
> Website >> No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career
> 
> Test here >> No More Mr. Nice Guy Self-Assessment
> 
> Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.
> 
> 
> 
> There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life.
> 
> Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...


I can't stress THIS ^^^ enough.

Here's the thing...it's been quite some time since I've read romance novels, but I do remember that never once did the male romantic lead ever cater to the woman. Romance novels aren't about the man bending over backwards to do romantic things for the woman. There's always a chase. The man is normally a "bad boy" in some way and the female is the ONLY one that can catch his heart. Cheesy and unrealistic, I know. 

Take a look at the covers and titles of some romance novels. Look how many are rugged cowboys, royalty or high powered executives. You will not find a picture on the cover with the hero of the book wearing an apron. 

If she looks down on you for reading books and trying to fix the marriage that way then LISTEN to her. She see's that as WEAK. Weak is not attractive. You need to cater to her less. Realize that YOU are a great catch and have confidence in yourself, and treat her as if she's lucky to have you. Don't be a d!ck, just don't trip over yourself catering to her every need.


----------



## costa200

Mr Pink said:


> So my wife says I am no longer romantic, and the more we talk about it, whenever I try to do stuff she says 'you are only doing it because I said something and not because you want to do it'.
> 
> She has been reading a lot of romance novels and I can tell that she is fantasizing about cheesy romance. I even saw a text she wrote her friend that said 'i wish some amazing guy would come sweep me off my feet'. My question is, do women actually like their men to try and do the crazy cheesy romantic things that are in novels? I know that if women did over the top sexual fantasies for men, I would like that because it helps us dive into our imagination and we like that the woman is doing it solely for us. Though with her saying that it only counts if I 'want' to do things, I dont want to do something so unbelievable that it is just wasted.
> 
> What do women think, do you want your men to do the stuff that is in books? All the normal romantic things that normal people do go unnoticed these days...


Why don't you just do what many women do when they catch their husbands looking at porn? Call them addicts, get them therapy for it and basically label it a "your problem" thing?

This woman is clearly addicted to romantic drivel and it is putting unreasonable expectations on her partner to have him conform to the cheesy idiotic romantic ramblings of a female writer whose characters don't work, don't tire and whose only reason to exist is to treat their women like the princesses that they are.

OMG the internet is full of romantic drivel!

PS: the previous post was written as a jest cuz i'm feeling like the KING OF THE WORLD right now!


----------



## DT4379

If you put in the time to do the nice things she will be a happy woman which in turn will make you a happy man..


----------



## Cosmos

bubbly girl said:


> I can't stress THIS ^^^ enough.
> 
> Here's the thing...it's been quite some time since I've read romance novels, but I do remember that never once did the male romantic lead ever cater to the woman. Romance novels aren't about the man bending over backwards to do romantic things for the woman. There's always a chase. The man is normally a "bad boy" in some way and the female is the ONLY one that can catch his heart. Cheesy and unrealistic, I know.
> 
> Take a look at the covers and titles of some romance novels. Look how many are rugged cowboys, royalty or high powered executives. You will not find a picture on the cover with the hero of the book wearing an apron.
> 
> If she looks down on you for reading books and trying to fix the marriage that way then LISTEN to her. She see's that as WEAK. Weak is not attractive. You need to cater to her less. Realize that YOU are a great catch and have confidence in yourself, and treat her as if she's lucky to have you. Don't be a d!ck, just don't trip over yourself catering to her every need.


:iagree: This is spot on.

I've never been a romance novel / movie lover, but those I can remember reading in the distant past always seemed to involve a dark, sardonic, womanizing, difficult to tame hero! Even when 'tamed,' the hero always retained his masculinity and was in 'control.'


----------



## AFEH

Mr Pink said:


> *She is the kind of girl that if I bust her on anything, she will immediately go on the offensive and then accuse me of not trusting her, privacy concerns, etc*. So while I may win the argument, you can bet that is the end of the marriage. She is not computer savvy at all, and she isnt emailing him from another email address. I did pay very close attention to the way she wrote in her emails, and I can say that SO FAR the emails are just geared around her sharing the VT memorial photo. Nothing about us, nothing about them, nothing about feelings....yet. To be continued on that. However, not saying that she is doing it because of a disconnect between us, but Im sure it doesnt help, so rather than try and just spy on her I want to actually fix the problem, which I feel is her lack of perceived romance.


That is the world of the deceiver. It’s exceedingly clever.


She has secrets, she’s hiding things from you. Things she does not want you to know about under any circumstances. You wont find out what her secrets are and why she has her secrets until you spy.


Everything else you do is just spinning your wheels, wasting time, energy and money while the gap between the two of you gets bigger and bigger by the day.


----------



## CandieGirl

bubbly girl said:


> Same here. Hell, I've flat out told my husband SEVERAL times that I'd like flowers. And not just on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day or my birthday. Still nothing. I would definitely appreciate any kind of effort, but I doubt it'll happen.


My husband thinks I hate flowers because I'm a florist by trade; ya...I got into a trade that I hate. He thinks I'd find it unimaginative if he were to get me flowers...I just get my own 

I'm not a romance type of gal either; but the odd gesture is nice. The other day he saw a CD he knew I wanted, so he picked it up. That was nice and meant more to me than a trail of rose petals from the tub to the bed. Lol.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Mr Pink said:


> So my wife says I am no longer romantic, and the more we talk about it, whenever I try to do stuff she says 'you are only doing it because I said something and not because you want to do it'.
> 
> She has been reading a lot of romance novels and I can tell that she is fantasizing about cheesy romance. I even saw a text she wrote her friend that said 'i wish some amazing guy would come sweep me off my feet'. My question is, do women actually like their men to try and do the crazy cheesy romantic things that are in novels? I know that if women did over the top sexual fantasies for men, I would like that because it helps us dive into our imagination and we like that the woman is doing it solely for us. Though with her saying that it only counts if I 'want' to do things, I dont want to do something so unbelievable that it is just wasted.
> 
> What do women think, do you want your men to do the stuff that is in books? All the normal romantic things that normal people do go unnoticed these days...


i think that just like porn, cheesy romance novels make people have unrealistic expectations and make them always want more than what they have in their spouse.

I never wanted the cheesy over the top stuff. I like small,down to earth gestures. I like romance but only when it's natural.I hate the forced stuff that seems fake.

but each woman is different.We all want different things and need different things in order to be happy.


----------



## Mr Pink

It is funny the more people mention, about the MMSLP and no more mr nice guy....the best time in our relationship was when I was a frat boy ******* and treated her like I was an *******. We may have fought alot more, but thats when I was getting laid like crazy. I guess I viewed it from a different view point - I thought reading these books and letting her know was my way of showing that I am trying, but I guess that also shows weakness which is not what attracts women to a man. Maybe I need to be more of a 'man' and less of a 'friend'....Ive always thought that the fact that we were best friends was really great for us, and it probably is, but not for a husband that wants to get some.


----------



## AFEH

In those times there was both excitement and uncertainty in your relationship. Now there’s no excitement and no uncertainty, so your wife doesn’t have to do anything at all to keep getting what she gets from you.

And the more you give, the less exciting you become.

You’d be way better off turning the whole thing around, do the 180 and become unpredictable. Stop doing the things she takes for granted and maybe in their absence she will begin to appreciate them. Become unpredictable. Get yourself away for a weekend, hiking, climbing, fishing or whatever but don’t tell her until you’re just off out the door.


In the beginning of your relationship your wife had respect for you, now its very obvious she doesn’t. Doing romantic things for a woman that neither respects or appreciates you is making you look like a dork, or a nerd trying to bed the cheerleader.


You need to be exciting and unpredictable, then just maybe you’ll rekindle her passion and desire for you.


----------



## heavensangel

Yes, I love the sappy romance stuff but only when it's sincere. And, yes, If I have to tell him to do it, then it doesn't count. It's just how I am. 

I also agree that romance novels, like porn, paint an unrealistic picture of what romance/intimacy truly is. 

To me, the most romantic part of any gesture (big or small) is knowing in order for DH to get it right, he has to be in tune with what I crave most. To achieve that, he has to have a GENUINE desire/interest in ME. 

On our last anniversary - he offered to take me out to a very high $$$ steak restaurant. I told him the cost wasn't what was special to me; spending it with him was! I'm so glad I said something as his plan B was so much sweeter. He told me to be ready to go as our reservations were for 6 pm. We dressed up as if we were going out somewhere pricey. @ 6pm he sat me down at the table on our deck where he served me dinner - complete with music, candles, drinks, and dessert. There is just no amount of $$ that could compare to the AWE effect he created that night!!! 

As far as flowers.... I love getting them! But the most romantic gesture he's made involving them was picking them from the side of the road and handing them to me (some still had roots hanging from them Lol) during one of our walks! 

Those 'spur of the moment' moments are what speak romance to me.


----------



## Mr Pink

heavensangel said:


> Yes, I love the sappy romance stuff but only when it's sincere. And, yes, If I have to tell him to do it, then it doesn't count. It's just how I am.
> 
> I also agree that romance novels, like porn, paint an unrealistic picture of what romance/intimacy truly is.
> 
> To me, the most romantic part of any gesture (big or small) is knowing in order for DH to get it right, he has to be in tune with what I crave most. To achieve that, he has to have a GENUINE desire/interest in ME.
> 
> On our last anniversary - he offered to take me out to a very high $$$ steak restaurant. I told him the cost wasn't what was special to me; spending it with him was! I'm so glad I said something as his plan B was so much sweeter. He told me to be ready to go as our reservations were for 6 pm. We dressed up as if we were going out somewhere pricey. @ 6pm he sat me down at the table on our deck where he served me dinner - complete with music, candles, drinks, and dessert. There is just no amount of $$ that could compare to the AWE effect he created that night!!!
> 
> As far as flowers.... I love getting them! But the most romantic gesture he's made involving them was picking them from the side of the road and handing them to me (some still had roots hanging from them Lol) during one of our walks!
> 
> Those 'spur of the moment' moments are what speak romance to me.


While I agree, porn and romance novels paint a really incorrect picture of how real life is, how do I get her to see that? I realize that while I may want my wife to do porn star moves, it most likely wont happen, but I feel she wants me to be the guys in these books. Is it going to take her leaving me and trying to find prince charming, then NOT finding him in a few years, for her to realize that is unrealistic? Obviously in that scenario she has already gone, so I would like her to see that while we are still married. I have no problems 'trying' to do those things every now and then, but it would be more about her wanting these fairy tale moments rather than me genuinely wanting to ride up on a white horse and whisk her away.


----------



## Son of Kong

Mr Pink said:


> So her love language, is physical touch (crazy I know), but still when I go to touch her she often recoils and never touches me back. She has a strong romance/sex connection, or atleast she says, and I feel I do the normal stuff, like flowers, dishes, notes, financial stability, take care of my self, etc. So really what is left is the over the top stuff, but I have no clue if that stuff actually works on women. Like do women really go for rose pedals on the bed and all that stuff? Or is that to much


Why does it have to be over the top, some of the best things I ever did for my wife were just loosely planned, spending time together maybe somewhere you don't go often or have never been.
Examples- I took her to the horse races saturday we had lunch bet on some races lost a little money, held hands just some quality time, romantic a little but just time together alone is good.
One other found a little beach on a river close to our house bottle of wine, light snacks and a blanket your whole day is done just hanging out talking about anything but day to day bull just her and I.
Sometimes you don't have to be Don Juan to sweep her off her feet. One last thing tell her why you are dong it " hey I want to spend time just you and I" I miss being close to you etc. the little stuff goes along way.


----------



## Mr Pink

Son of Kong said:


> Why does it have to be over the top, some of the best things I ever did for my wife were just loosely planned, spending time together maybe somewhere you don't go often or have never been.
> Examples- I took her to the horse races saturday we had lunch bet on some races lost a little money, held hands just some quality time, romantic a little but just time together alone is good.
> One other found a little beach on a river close to our house bottle of wine, light snacks and a blanket your whole day is done just hanging out talking about anything but day to day bull just her and I.
> Sometimes you don't have to be Don Juan to sweep her off her feet. One last thing tell her why you are dong it " hey I want to spend time just you and I" I miss being close to you etc. the little stuff goes along way.


I think that it needs to be over the top for 2 reasons. 1, is that I currently do do all those things. We go on walks, I write her notes, I do stuff around the house to make her day easier, give her massages, etc etc, and she still feels I am not romantic at all, and 2, because she has even told me "you should read these romance novels THOSE guys know romance". Its lame, she knows those are written by women and they are fake, but still its the standard Im being held to. I wonder if I actually did something crazy, she could see it in person and maybe be like wow this isnt what I thought it was haha


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## bubbly girl

She wants you to be the big, strong man that can protect her, not the mushy romantic guy. Seriously you are confused about what romance novels are about. It's not about a man doting on his woman or really doing anything romantic. If anything, the romance part is usually how the guy has to just take her because he desires her so much and eventually discovers how much he loves her and can't live without her.

THAT is the romance part. Romance novels are not about showing up at the door with flowers or writing sappy poems. You need to understand this in order to understand what your wife finds romantic.


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## Mr Pink

bubbly girl said:


> She wants you to be the big, strong man that can protect her, not the mushy romantic guy. Seriously you are confused about what romance novels are about. It's not about a man doting on his woman or really doing anything romantic. If anything, the romance part is usually how the guy has to just take her because he desires her so much and eventually discovers how much he loves her and can't live without her.
> 
> THAT is the romance part. Romance novels are not about showing up at the door with flowers or writing sappy poems. You need to understand this in order to understand what your wife finds romantic.


Well thats what I was saying earlier about maybe its more about me reading MMLSP and other books about becoming the man she fell for in the first place, and not over the top cheesy gestures....


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## Son of Kong

Maybe some IC so she can learn to live more in the real world, movies and books may be a great escape but if it obstructs your view of what is in front of you that's bad. 
So do it, round here you can get a limo, helicopter ride over the city, then limo to romantic restaurant, rent a room rose petals and all that stuff give her the works see what it does.
If she still isn't happy then get her a can of beans and a dandelion I guess.


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## tm84

From what I've read of the OP's posts subsequent to the main one about romance, etc..., it seems to me that there are deeper problems than just being more romantic. It appears that your wife is at the very least in some kind of EA and is working hard to keep you off guard by throwing up charges of you not being "romantic" enough. Her "love language" is touch, and yet, she has been recoiling when you do try to show physical affection. 

Whether it's the ex bf, someone else, or no one (yet), she is distancing herself and has her eye out for a better situation. Keep on top of it or you'll be blindsided...


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## Mr Pink

tm84 said:


> From what I've read of the OP's posts subsequent to the main one about romance, etc..., it seems to me that there are deeper problems than just being more romantic. It appears that your wife is at the very least in some kind of EA and is working hard to keep you off guard by throwing up charges of you not being "romantic" enough. Her "love language" is touch, and yet, she has been recoiling when you do try to show physical affection.
> 
> Whether it's the ex bf, someone else, or no one (yet), she is distancing herself and has her eye out for a better situation. Keep on top of it or you'll be blindsided...


Well I think as much as I hate to admit it, you are very right. Like most men, I have become aware of her feelings way too late, and I am doing my best to give her what she needs. If its too late, atleast I can say I tried, but I have to atleast try. If I do everything I can and she still finds a new person or her ex, Ill be better knowing that I gave it my best.


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## Miss Taken

I'm low maintenance in the romance department. I've never cared for flowers... I'd much rather see them in the ground than dead in a vase after a couple of days. Romance to me is more or less about the little things. Leaving me a sweet note, holding my hand on a walk, cuddling on the sofa, a small gift or favour "just because" etc. That being said, I would NEVER complain about if the man I was with displayed some over-the-top-cheesy-unbelievable-romantic moves with me.

I think your wife needs to let go of the notion that "if I told you this is what I want, then it doesn't count the same". That's silly. I think if she tells you that doing X would make her happy and then you do X with the sole intention of making her happy even though it's out of your comfort zone to do X, then you can't get much more romantic than that.


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## moxy

Mr Pink said:


> Well I think as much as I hate to admit it, you are very right. Like most men, I have become aware of her feelings way too late, and I am doing my best to give her what she needs. If its too late, atleast I can say I tried, but I have to atleast try. If I do everything I can and she still finds a new person or her ex, Ill be better knowing that I gave it my best.


Stealthily giving her what she needs from you (or needed from you or needed in general) isn't going to help. You can't nice her out of an affair; that will just push her to justify that you are someone she should not be faithful to because she will see you as weak and will have contempt for you instead of respect.

If she is in an EA (or PA, or has her eye out on the cake on the side, or is otherwise emotionally checked out the way guys can be when addicted to porn and gals can be when addicted to romance novels), then she needs a really blunt wake up call. You need to call her out on her nonsense and make it reality so she can't pretend it is some kind of innocent fantasy. It isn't innocent; whatever it is, it's messing up her real-life marriage. You can't do this until you have proof. So, back off the expressions of love and invest in some spy equipment. Catching this early, confronting her without weakness, and really finding your no-tolerance mode is important. You've gotta show her you mean business.

If I'd demonstrated a no-tolerance for verbal abuse or cheating at the get-go, I know I wouldn't be in my current position with my stbxh now. You'll see it over and over on the threads....burying your head in the sand about it or hoping to nice her out of this will crush your heart into bloody pulp.

Investigate this. See what you're up against. Knock out the competition with a 180, a confrontation and/or exposure depending on how deep she is in the fog, and a no-tolerance policy for nonsense. At the very least, you two need to be in marriage counseling because her perceptions of love in the real world are warped enough to be causing trouble; there might be real issues in your marriage from both sides, but if you don't figure out what they are, you can't fix em!

Whoever has captured her attention hasn't done so by being better than you, he's done it by slithering in through the cracks in your marriage. You can't lure her out; you've got to flush out the slime by breaking open the whole situation and cleaning it out and putting it all back together with both of you willingly in there, this time, with no one else involved.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Mr Pink said:


> This exact point has been my stick the whole time, is that I dont feel she is doing ANYTHING to make us better. The lack of sex, romance, etc, etc, etc, she just blames on me, wont tell me what I need to do, then just sits back and waits for stuff to happen. When things dont happen or she doesnt feel differently, she blames me. We have been together for 10 years but only married for 3, but this lack of romance almost seems insurmountable because its such a fragile topic between us. We even talked about separating. Its very difficult, but Im trying to lay low while we are both 'finding ourselves' so that I can surprise her with some OTT stuff...got nothing to lose I guess.


Mr Pink, you are in a heap of trouble. Whether or not romantic gestures will work depends on how far gone she is, Has she said anything like "I don't love you " or "I love you but I'm not in love with you"?


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## RandomDude

Romance for me is the GAME lol

Flowers? bleh I'm allergic... but thoughtful gifts - another story. Gifts that show her that you listen to her, you think of her, you remember what she talks about, that her interests are important to you as well as hers. Heh and sometimes when I know she really likes I take it back, have her chase me around the house with it... or hell...

She comes home, sneak up behind her, surprise her by sweeping her off her feet, she squeals before realising that it's you, take her inside, tell her you have something waiting for her, let her guess, nope, she never gets it right 

Or hell other times it doesn't even have to be big things, sometimes it's just looking at her funny and she looks back, smiling, wondering what's in your mind, but NO, won't tell her, let her work for it lol. Have some fun! Tease her, play her, as long as you don't lead her on.

Then after a romantic evening she'll ask you "ok, now... so are you going to tell me what you did wrong?" :rofl:
Ah women... how can you not love 'em? lol


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## SimplyAmorous

Son of Kong said:


> Why does it have to be over the top, some of the best things I ever did for my wife were just loosely planned, spending time together maybe somewhere you don't go often or have never been.
> Examples- I took her to the horse races saturday we had lunch bet on some races lost a little money, held hands just some quality time, romantic a little but just time together alone is good.
> One other found a little beach on a river close to our house bottle of wine, light snacks and a blanket your whole day is done just hanging out talking about anything but day to day bull just her and I.
> Sometimes you don't have to be Don Juan to sweep her off her feet. One last thing tell her why you are dong it " hey I want to spend time just you and I" I miss being close to you etc. the little stuff goes along way.


Your post , Son of King, captures the SPIRIT of how me & my husband R ....it is all about *the simple things in life*, the time we spend together & sharing unabashedly how we feel about each other...it is free flowing...it is special, those moments he grabs my hand in the car.... I believe some of the most simple moments in our lifetime will be what we remember on our deathbeds even....











> *ScarletBegonias said*: i think that just like porn, cheesy romance novels make people have unrealistic expectations and make them always want more than what they have in their spouse.


 I feel a little differently about watching Romantic movies ....and PORN. ....I do not feel they set me up for unrealistic expectations...maybe cause I am enough of a realist to KNOW what we have is "damn special" on it's own...might not be exciting enough to have it's own script for a movie...but we cherish our unique story.... I'll be the first to admit my husband is not any sweeping ALPHA male.... but in the "sentimental", he could blow some of those "movie lines" out of the water, with the feelings behind his words. 

And me... in comparison to what is viewed in porn... I am pretty HIGH on the







scale... some things might even need contained a bit. .. I may not have the body those young hotties have.... but I got the moves & the passion they are attempting to portray on that screen...and it's the real deal. 

For us....they both "*INSPIRE*"...neither of us feel let down.


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## ScarletBegonias

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel a little differently about watching Romantic movies ....and PORN. ....I do not feel they set me up for unrealistic expectations...maybe cause I am enough of a realist to KNOW what we have is "damn special" on it's own...might not be exciting enough to have it's own script for a movie...but we cherish our unique story.... I'll be the first to admit my husband is not any sweeping ALPHA male.... but in the "sentimental", he could blow some of those "movie lines" out of the water, with the feelings behind his words.
> 
> And me... in comparison to what is viewed in porn... I am pretty HIGH on the
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> scale... some things might even need contained a bit. .. I may not have the body those young hotties have.... but I got the moves & the passion they are attempting to portray on that screen...and it's the real deal.
> 
> For us....they both "*INSPIRE*"...neither of us feel let down.


You're the exception obviously and you know that. For the majority of people...it leaves them never satisfied with what they have,even if what they have is damn special.


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