# Valid Excuse?



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

okay so a little background first. My dh and I have been married almost 10 years and have two children ages 7 & 5. We went through a hard time the last few years because my dh was dealing with stress and the loss of his grandparents and got addicted to a pc game and could at times be verbally abusive or just ignore me all together. Finally it led to me being on the verge of an emotional affair so I told him about it and he shaped up and got rid of the game and we went to counseling. That was over a year ago. It was a struggle at times but we were doing better. However his mom was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and is now at the point where it's terminal. Hospice comes to her house everyday. My dh doesn't work and hasn't in over a year since his company closed. We decided he would just be a sahd until this summer is over and our youngest starts kindergarten. Which means he can be with his mom more also. 

The issue comes with him starting to fall back into the same habit of taking things out on me. He is very stressed and I'm trying to be understanding but at what point do you draw the line? He never agrees with me on disciplining the kids and undermines me infront of them or tells me I'm yelling. Yet he can turn around and yell and get very angry with them and If I say anything he will yell at me. He throws things up in my face about how I would rather be with someone else (even though I wouldn't) and he calls me names in front of my kids sometimes. For example last night my son accidentally pulled down the shower curtain when getting out of the tub. My dh was yelling at him and I came in and told him he probably should tone it down a little. He turned around and yelled at me in a very angry/mean tone "you don't even need to bring your FAT HEAD in here!" right infront of my kids. If I try to talk to him he will say "what I didn't do anything" or say well you acted like this or that. He also insist that wasn't verbal abuse that it was a joke. The way it was delivered was not funny at all. Then he says I'm immature. I'm really at a breaking point and I want to be there for him through this time but it's so hard. I told him that I think maybe he should go back to counseling and I would go with him but he never really answers me. 
Honestly I'm nervous coming home from work just wondering what kind of mood he will be in. This morning he was all grins and hugging on me. Then he wonders why I don't want sex as often anymore. 

I would hate to think he would EVER treat any other member of his family like this. I know you take things out on the ones you love most, or so they say. However somedays I just want to leave and then I feel guilty because of all the stress he is under. Any thoughts or suggestions?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Let's get this straight. He's not working over a year, playing video games all the time, calls you "Fat Head" but YOU'RE immature? He sounds about age 6.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

pretty much. Only he's not playing the video games anymore. We did agree for him to not go back to work until I graduated college (this past May) and my daughter graduated preschool. I make enough money and we didn't have a lot of debt. When his mom got worse I told him to just wait it out the summer because she probably won't make it that long. However the things he says and the way he reacts when I try to talk to him definitely screams out I'm a 6 year old! I mean really. I'm just wondering how much more I can take of it. However what kind of person would I be to up and leave while his mom is dying. Plus I care a lot about his mom. I'm closer to her than I am my own mother. It's rough.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

BoardMom,

Everybody's mom is dying. We're all dying. It's sad but it's a fact of life we all must face. Bad stuff is going to happen in every life but we don't have the luxury of returning to the sandbox when they do. Those are the times when a man's strength of character is most needed. He is a husband and a father. He has made adult obligations. Despite the logic of your plan, I think he needs to get back to work and support his family. Some men are mature enough to be SAHD and still be a man. Your's seems to require a more traditional situation. He's rather acting like an irresponsible kid and he's been put in a situation that makes it easy for him to do. When he called you a "fathead" in the presence of the kids, he was acting more like their sibling than their parent.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

think about it.......the day you are born you start to die.........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's missing is YOU teaching HIM to respect YOU.

Tell him that from now on every time he disrespects you, you will take the kids and leave the house. Then DO IT!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It may be awkward for awhile, taking the kids out at 10pm for a walk, but it is IMPERATIVE for you to do at this point to set decent groundrules. 

And you may come to the point where you tell him that he either starts going to a therapist to deal with his issues, or you WILL leave him for good.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Thanks for the responses everyone. I did tell him this morning that I felt he or both of us need to go back to counseling because he has a hard time dealing with things. He admitted that he just gets so angry so quickly lately. I know it's hard to watch your mom go through this but IMO this is when you should really turn to your wife and kids and appreciate having them there. I know we have had hard times and I admit that I have done things wrong. However having things thrown up in my face everyday from over a year ago does not make me want to stay. I try not to do that to him. I feel like if we wanted to make our marriage work we should both be willing to forgive the past and live in the present. I also feel like parenting should be a united front. He should not only discipline them when they are being disrespectful to him but also when they disrespect me. I never go against what he says or correct him infront of the kids like he does me. 
I also told him that the counseling was going to be a must if he didn't want our marriage to end. If I tell him that while he is angry he will say "go ahead and leave that's always what you wanted anyway". So I told him this morning when he had calmed down and he didn't really say anything. So frustrated today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's good. Just don't let it lie. Wait a week or two, and then ask him if he has scheduled his appointment.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I plan on it. We are supposed to take the kids to the beach for a few days next week. I'm gonna kind of see how that goes and if just having some alone time and me there to help more during the day with the kids will help a little also. I'm definitely going to keep pushing the counseling regardless. I think when his mom does pass away he will need it for sure because he doesn't handle things like that well at all. Better to go ahead and start now IMO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something else you should keep in mind is that, after kids come, you have to put in a lot of work to keep YOUR relationship strong. It's recommended that you spend 15-20 hours a week, just the two of you, keeping your connection going. Like when you were dating. I have a list I made of ideas for ways to spend time together that will help with that, I'll post it here. Start making an effort for the two of you to do this, ok? Give him a REASON to want to get better.

Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

BoardNMom,

Perhaps your husband acts like a child because you treat him like one. Think about it. Your husband is responsible enough to be the primary care giver but you felt the need to supervise bath time, effectively undermining HIM in front of the kids. You tell him he needs to get into counseling. "When his mom got worse I told him to just wait it out the summer because she probably won't make it that long." That doesn't sound like "we decided". That sounds like your plan. "I think when his mom does pass away he will need it for sure because he doesn't handle things like that well at all." These sound like the words of a mom protecting, teaching, and guiding her child. If he's supervising bath and things get too loud, what are the consequences? The neighbors call the police? He's in charge of bath time, let him deal with whatever consequences accompany his choices and let him learn from them. I do believe if you treat someone like a child they are more likely to behave as one. His mother hasn't passed and you're already planning on him requiring counseling. "What? I didn't do anything!" This guy apparently sees you as his disciplinarian and he didn't arrive at that conclusion without some justification. Want an adult partner? You might try treating him like one. You totally don't respect him and that helps you to justify withholding intimacy from him. Somewhere along the line, you adopted the role of critic, punisher, and mother and he fell into the role of persecuted kid. You can't love someone you don't respect and you can't truly respect someone while positioning yourself as their superior. There is a huge difference between suggesting counseling and mandating it. Notice in your original post, you said, "We went through a hard time the last few years because my dh was dealing with stress and the loss of his grandparents and got addicted to a pc game and could at times be verbally abusive or just ignore me all together." There's no indication at all that you contributed in any way to your years of "hard times". I think very few marriage difficulties can be laid at only one person's feet. Success if the result of team effort and failure would be a team failure. Counseling would probably be a great idea, but maybe it would be best approached as a couple problem that you both need help repairing.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Something else you should keep in mind is that, after kids come, you have to put in a lot of work to keep YOUR relationship strong. It's recommended that you spend 15-20 hours a week, just the two of you, keeping your connection going. Like when you were dating.



15-20 hours a week???? 
Do you still get to sleep??? Holy Crap


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> BoardNMom,
> 
> Perhaps your husband acts like a child because you treat him like one. Think about it. Your husband is responsible enough to be the primary care giver but you felt the need to supervise bath time, effectively undermining HIM in front of the kids. You tell him he needs to get into counseling. "When his mom got worse I told him to just wait it out the summer because she probably won't make it that long." That doesn't sound like "we decided". That sounds like your plan. "I think when his mom does pass away he will need it for sure because he doesn't handle things like that well at all." These sound like the words of a mom protecting, teaching, and guiding her child. If he's supervising bath and things get too loud, what are the consequences? The neighbors call the police? He's in charge of bath time, let him deal with whatever consequences accompany his choices and let him learn from them. I do believe if you treat someone like a child they are more likely to behave as one. His mother hasn't passed and you're already planning on him requiring counseling. "What? I didn't do anything!" This guy apparently sees you as his disciplinarian and he didn't arrive at that conclusion without some justification. Want an adult partner? You might try treating him like one. You totally don't respect him and that helps you to justify withholding intimacy from him. Somewhere along the line, you adopted the role of critic, punisher, and mother and he fell into the role of persecuted kid. You can't love someone you don't respect and you can't truly respect someone while positioning yourself as their superior. There is a huge difference between suggesting counseling and mandating it. Notice in your original post, you said, "We went through a hard time the last few years because my dh was dealing with stress and the loss of his grandparents and got addicted to a pc game and could at times be verbally abusive or just ignore me all together." There's no indication at all that you contributed in any way to your years of "hard times". I think very few marriage difficulties can be laid at only one person's feet. Success if the result of team effort and failure would be a team failure. Counseling would probably be a great idea, but maybe it would be best approached as a couple problem that you both need help repairing.


:iagree:


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Unbelievable - I think in my next post I did say that I admitted I did things wrong. I also wasn't suprevising bath time I went in there because of the loud noise the curtain rod falling made. My husband was not in there either at the time, he was in the bedroom. My 7 year old bathes himself. We both went in and he started yelling at my son and then me. I guess I worded things wrong when I say I told him not to worry about working this summer. He asked and I told him to do what he needed to do that we were fine finacially. I don't now or have I ever told him what to do. 99% of the time when he discipline's the kids I don't say one word. Last night I felt he was being a little harsh over something that was an accident. However when I discipline the kids he rarely ever backs me up and 95% of the time will get on to me or undermine me infront of my children. However I appreicate your thoughts and reading into things to make sure I feel it's more my fault than his. I think our troubles have been caused by both of us in the past. I ASKED him to see a counselor before and he refused. It wasn't until I was on the verge of leaving that he decided for himself to go and he himself made the appointment. This time I told him I felt he needed to go back and I needed to go with him if our marriage was going to survive. Again I still feel that is leaving the decision up to him. I haven't made the appointment and drug him kicking and screaming. 
If we really want to go into it further I can mention how even though I make the majority of the money (even when he was working) he used to always give me a hard time anytime I took money out of the atm or spent money he didn't think we had. When I say this I'm talking about spending 40-50 dollars when we had about 20,000 in our accounts. If our checking got below $5,000 he would start to freak out and get upset. So maybe I am treating him like a child but I think it's pretty safe to say he has returned the favor quite a bit. Oh and also to clarify I never said I withheld sex as punishment. I said when he yells at me and says these things it didn't exactly put me in the mood. If that turns you on then you are much better than I am.

Thanks Turnera for the suggestions. Some of these things I hadn't thought about as ways to spend time together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> 15-20 hours a week????
> Do you still get to sleep??? Holy Crap


 It's not as hard as it sounds, if you put thought into it. Have coffee with your spouse before you go to work. Give him a shoulder massage when he gets home. Walk the dogs after the kids are asleep. Take a bath together after the kids are asleep. Set up a jigsaw puzzle and spend 10 minutes a day on it, or more. _Turn off the tv_ and play a board game (kids are allowed in this one). Help him fix the squeaky gate by handing hm tools. Hire a regular babysitter and go to a movie once a week. IMO, a lot of it involves turning off the tv - you'd be amazed how much time you have left over.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> BoardNMom,
> 
> Perhaps your husband acts like a child because you treat him like one. Think about it. Your husband is responsible enough to be the primary care giver but you felt the need to supervise bath time, effectively undermining HIM in front of the kids. You tell him he needs to get into counseling. "When his mom got worse I told him to just wait it out the summer because she probably won't make it that long." That doesn't sound like "we decided". That sounds like your plan. "I think when his mom does pass away he will need it for sure because he doesn't handle things like that well at all." These sound like the words of a mom protecting, teaching, and guiding her child. If he's supervising bath and things get too loud, what are the consequences? The neighbors call the police? He's in charge of bath time, let him deal with whatever consequences accompany his choices and let him learn from them. I do believe if you treat someone like a child they are more likely to behave as one. His mother hasn't passed and you're already planning on him requiring counseling. "What? I didn't do anything!" This guy apparently sees you as his disciplinarian and he didn't arrive at that conclusion without some justification. Want an adult partner? You might try treating him like one. You totally don't respect him and that helps you to justify withholding intimacy from him. Somewhere along the line, you adopted the role of critic, punisher, and mother and he fell into the role of persecuted kid. You can't love someone you don't respect and you can't truly respect someone while positioning yourself as their superior. There is a huge difference between suggesting counseling and mandating it. Notice in your original post, you said, "We went through a hard time the last few years because my dh was dealing with stress and the loss of his grandparents and got addicted to a pc game and could at times be verbally abusive or just ignore me all together." There's no indication at all that you contributed in any way to your years of "hard times". I think very few marriage difficulties can be laid at only one person's feet. Success if the result of team effort and failure would be a team failure. Counseling would probably be a great idea, but maybe it would be best approached as a couple problem that you both need help repairing.


 Don't have time, but there are a lot of generalities in here or assumptions that are not what I saw in her post.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's not as hard as it sounds, if you put thought into it. Have coffee with your spouse before you go to work. Give him a shoulder massage when he gets home. Walk the dogs after the kids are asleep. Take a bath together after the kids are asleep. Set up a jigsaw puzzle and spend 10 minutes a day on it, or more. _Turn off the tv_ and play a board game (kids are allowed in this one). Help him fix the squeaky gate by handing hm tools. Hire a regular babysitter and go to a movie once a week. IMO, a lot of it involves turning off the tv - you'd be amazed how much time you have left over.


You must live a different life than we do... it is all we can do most days to go to work, keep the house, get the kids where they need to be, supervise homework, cook some food, take care of the elderly mother and go to bed...TV is the least of our issues. If we manage 30 minutes a day alone together it is a good day. Now if you count doing chores together, maybe...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

BoardNMom,

The idea isn't to characterize you or he as the primary person to blame. The fact is you can only change yourself, so if there is even the possibility that you contributed at all to the problem it is more productive for you to address that aspect because that's the only one you have control over. There is no blame. There is either a double win or a double lose. Chatting about how bad someone else is might be entertaining but it isn't productive. Even if he is Satan in the flesh, you can't change him. If your goal is to receive anonymous validation to support a plan to divorce this guy, then by all means, he's a jerk, you deserve much better.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> You must live a different life than we do... it is all we can do most days to go to work, keep the house, get the kids where they need to be, supervise homework, cook some food, take care of the elderly mother and go to bed...TV is the least of our issues. If we manage 30 minutes a day alone together it is a good day. Now if you count doing chores together, maybe...


As I understand it, you are having pretty big family issues. Maybe it is time to divest of the high intensity activities. What good is it to be accomplished ice skater if your family is in the ****ter?


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

turnera - the odd part is a lot of evenings we do watch tv together and give each other massages. We have been doing massages most nights since dating. I feel like we do get some of that time in that we should. As far as things we like to do for the most part we are very compatiable and we do a lot of things with the kids like taking day trips to hike etc...Those are the things that keep me where I am I guess. It's just when he gets stressed he can say things or yell at me or snap at me a lot and I feel like we are always arguing or my feelings are hurt. I know there are things I can do to help but somedays it's hard to feel like trying to be nice when he's acting like he did last night. I usually just try to turn in early and not argue but lots of times he follows me in the bedroom saying I'd rather be with others or bad things about me just to get me angry. 
I'm hoping that he will agree to go back to counseling. I try to imagine how I would feel if it were my parent and I was dealing with staying home with two young children and also taking care of my mom since she is not married and his brother works out of town a lot. I just feel he should also try harder not to take it out on me. If it weren't for these things our marraige could be so good.

Thanks for all of your help and suggestions. Definitely gives me some ideas.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> As I understand it, you are having pretty big family issues. Maybe it is time to divest of the high intensity activities. What good is it to be accomplished ice skater if your family is in the ****ter?


It isn't that simple. I have 2 other kids as well and an elderly mother in law. We simply have too many things to deal with... and I don't think taking it out on a 10 year old is the way to go nor will it solve the issues. 

I just cannot imagine any family with multiple children and full time jobs spending 20 hours a week ALONE with each other unless of course sleeping counts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> BoardNMom,
> 
> The idea isn't to characterize you or he as the primary person to blame. The fact is you can only change yourself, so if there is even the possibility that you contributed at all to the problem it is more productive for you to address that aspect because that's the only one you have control over. There is no blame. There is either a double win or a double lose. Chatting about how bad someone else is might be entertaining but it isn't productive. Even if he is Satan in the flesh, you can't change him.


I agree mostly. You DO have to focus on yourself. But you CAN give him a reason to WANT to change FOR you. Just blaming him will not do it; you have to be willing to admit your faults, too.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I agree that you can't change someone else only yourself. I'm not looking for validation to divorce him though. What I'm wondering is suggestions on how to deal with this better. (Leaving is something that has crossed my mind but it's not ideally what I want to do.) Which to me is saying how can I help the situation. Overall I know my husband is a wonderful man and a great father. I just think dealing with stress causes him to not be himself and lash out at me and the kids. Especially me. What I want to be able to do is help him adjust to things and if suggesting counseling and being willing to go for myself as well is wrong then I guess I was wrong. I don't blame him for all of our problems. The instant or instances I mentioned were specific and those are what I wanted feedback on in dealing with. I have experienced life enough to know that nothing is ever one sided and that there are always two sides to things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most people have terrible coping skills. Our skills consist of just doing what worked when we were kids. It takes some enlightenment and work to move beyond that. Why don't you ask him if BOTH of you can work on that together?


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I think that might be the issue Turnera. I think he had a hard time coping with things then and was shy and kind of distanced himself from others. His dad didn't always have kind words for him or his brother. Recently his brother said some pretty mean things to my son and my dh stepped up and told him that was not acceptable and that he sounded like their dad used to. So I think he at least realizes that he doesn't want to do this but I think that his coping skills are to let things build up. I told him that maybe we should BOTH go to counseling to deal with OUR issues not just his. To just help us both learn out to deal with the stress of losing a loved one etc...I'm hoping he will agree and that we can continue to work with each other at home to try and get past things. 
Thanks for all of your input.


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