# Which spectrum is this on?



## SadOldDad (Jan 9, 2014)

An interesting event timeline trying to understand my stbxw

•	She endured two parental divorces as a child
•	She suffered from and received treatment for depression prior to our marriage
•	Married
•	Fun, loving, caring, thoughtful
•	A little unsure of own decisions and abilities
•	Some times a little lacking in self-confidence
•	Occasional glimpses of inability to truly empathise with others difficulties 
•	Looked for, and always received support and encouragement 
•	Three children
•	Good mother
•	Wanted to continue career path and again received support and encouragement 
•	I was substantive breadwinner for first 12 years
•	Recession
•	Lost my job
•	I started small business
•	Equal breadwinners
•	Her self-confidence and self-assurance grow rapidly under harder times but she starts to feel sad, trapped, fears slipping back into depression, says nothing. 
•	My small business starts to grow and succeed 
•	All appears fine on the surface, feels to me like we are a team working our way together through this tough time but with light at the end of the tunnel. How wrong was I?
•	She goes for IC secretly.
•	Sudden out of the blue announcement of ILYBNITW and want to end marriage
•	Two years of her saying she does not know why she feels this way, me reaching out in every possible way but to a continual steadfast refusal by her to commit to R.
•	The end of the road now with separation and forced sale of house.
•	Now supremely self confident, no regard for consequences of actions, claims she wants to fully self actualise, take own risks, be separate, autonomous, 
•	Says vows, which meant everything to her then, no longer hold true.
•	Makes frequent statements that fully show inability to empathise with others
•	Own needs above all others
•	Neither remorse nor apologies for actions
•	Full sense of entitlement
•	Continual stream of postings and pictures on facebook about how brave, strong, courageous, right she is to live life completely on her terms 
•	Claims to be ‘Concerned’ that I’m OK and wants to be friends
•	Will tolerate no questioning or rebuttal of her new view of herself and the world from anyone. If from me its because I’m ‘desperate’, if its anyone else, including either family, its interfering in something that’s none of their business. 

The only thing i'm desperate for is to understand what happened to my loverly wife.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

That list from going to IC downwards could be entirely applied to my STBXW.

Full-Blown MLC FTW!

Also thought she had POSom waiting on the wings (not saying it necessarily applies in your case...).

MIDLIFE For Dummies


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Change of heart - that's what my lovely (soon to be ex) husband told me. 

Start living for you. That's all you can do. It's a hard road especially when you are the only one committed to the vows (as many of us here are) but you have got to start living for YOU.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Just read your blog. You mentioned your wife took some days for herself. Are you POSITIVE she isn't having an affair?


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## SadOldDad (Jan 9, 2014)

Thanks ICLH. I know in my mind that's what I need to get on with, I just need to get my heart in the same place. I just find it so sad that the cycle is perpetuated on to my darling children who because of the impact on them are at increased risk of a similar experience later in life. It's all just so unnecessary.


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## SadOldDad (Jan 9, 2014)

Beyondrepair - I know the husband is usually the last to know and finds it hard to believe his wife could have an affair. I have to accept that it is a possibility but for numerous reasons it is very unlikely. Again I accept I may just be blind to it. If anything a long distance emotional attachment with the hope of something a lot further down the road would be a more likely situation but I have absolutely no proof of that - just mindless speculation of a mind looking for answers.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Just mentioned it because it becomes a completely different ball game.

Of course an EA can be equally devastating.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sometimes this is just part of a life cycle


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

If it's any consolation you are the only one that will have the part of life, the marriage, and kids that you two shared together. Remember that. Nobody else will ever have that with her but you. Now is the time to practice DETACHMENT. It protects you from being hurt any further. I originally came to this site hoping that if I shared my story I'd get some magical advice that would make all this go away and bring my marriage back. That didn't happen. This site brought me back down to Earth which it what I needed. It's all about YOU now.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If I were you, I would have no contact with her except when it comes to the kids. Anything other than that, would be gone.

She wanted her freedom and now she has it. She shows no remorse or guilt for what she did and I would treat it as such. 

The more you think about the "coulda, woulda shoulda" thing will only make it worse.

Basically your wife is selfish and there isn't a thing you can do about it except get on with your life and live it to the fullest. Enjoy your kids and stop thinking about the "why" You'll never get a good enough answer. I know that for a fact.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Midlife crisis with dichotomous thinking (family and marriage vs. freedom to explore next half of life and actualize change with team approach...)


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## SadOldDad (Jan 9, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses and thoughts. I am starting to wonder if she has some sort of Narcissistic personality disorder because she seems genuinely oblivious to the nature of the hurt and damage she is causing. She is intellectually aware of it, i.e. has learned over the years that other people have feelings and can be hurt, but unaware of what that actually really means. She seems surprised that people could think that she is being so hurtful or selfish in her actions. Maybe I'm just looking for an explanation to something inexplicable.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

"ILYBNILWY": 99.9% a third party has entered your relationship.

"Two years of her saying she does not know why she feels this way, me reaching out in every possible way but to a continual steadfast refusal by her to commit to R.": This approach never works. Counter intuitive measures need to be put into practice instead.

"Says vows, which meant everything to her then, no longer hold true.": They can't or she would feel guilty about what she is doing.

"Continual stream of postings and pictures on facebook about how brave, strong, courageous, right she is to live life completely on her terms": Facade. People who are happy don't need to convince other people that they are. 

"Will tolerate no questioning or rebuttal of her new view of herself and the world from anyone. If from me its because I’m ‘desperate’, if its anyone else, including either family, its interfering in something that’s none of their business.": You are being nice, when you should be putting a foot up her ass. What they say about nice guys?

She has lost respect for you in every conceivable way. A woman can't love a man who she does not respect.

What are you going to do about this?

What do you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

SadOldDad said:


> Thank you all for your responses and thoughts. I am starting to wonder if she has some sort of Narcissistic personality disorder because she seems genuinely oblivious to the nature of the hurt and damage she is causing.


No.

"I'm ok. You are ok." - Anthony DeMello

That's her mentality. If she's doing "wonderful", she expects you to be doing well. Selfish I know. But that's how people in affairs rationalize their behavior/mind set.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadOldDad (Jan 9, 2014)

Thanks ReGroup for the reference to Anthony DeMello. I have just watched a few videos on youtube of him. Very helpful.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Concur with the 99.9% that she's having notions or with someone else. I'd take it out to 99.9999% possibility. 

Your list is not uncommon. It's a typical script of someone who wants out. She's out and you're somewhere you don't want to be. 

You can find the entire Awareness book on Amazon. There may be a .pdf or 2 hanging out on the internet somewhere too. 

You don't have to play by her new rules. You don't have to be her friend. Don't let her run you. 

You are your own man. Become that guy again. Lots of people here to help you do that.


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