# What kind of advice can I give my daughter?



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I've been struggling with this for a while but haven't come up with any answers, so I've decided to ask here.

My daughter's getting married next year, and I think it's a huge mistake. She'll be 21, her fiance will be 24. I really like him, he's a nice kid, hard worker, they have common goals and want the same things in life. 

Problem is, I don't think she really loves him, at least not like she should. She says she does, but she already complains that he "always has to be touching her" and "I can't ever just be doing my own thing". Her dad and I have been married 21 years and are more affectionate toward each other than they are. I think she's marrying him just because she wants a family/kids. I honestly see him showing up on this forum by their third anniversary complaining about his sexless marriage. 

I've tried talking to her, more than once. I've told her that it's a very bad sign that she feels that way already, but she just makes excuses and says it'll be better once this happens or that happens. I've been brutally honest with her, but it's done no good.

So I'm looking for ideas. Do any of you think there's anything I can say to talk her out of this?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Kids dont listen to their parents. Have your sister or mom or one of your trusted girlfriends talk to her or have her talk to a premarital counselor at church, etc


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I think they should go to pre-marital counseling.

But honestly you can't make her do anything. Suggest it, but ultimately it's her choice. Support her in whatever decision she chooses, and let her know you are there for her... She'll probably need your support more than ever if she gets married and is already somewhat unhappy.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Is your daughter always like this? Has she ever been affectionate with other boyfriends. Does she show affection with you?

My wife has never been affectionate. It drives her crazy if I try to hug her in public. We have been married for 23 years. I am often frustrated when she is cold to me. I would like her to be more affectionate. But we do have an Ok sex life. Was great when we were younger. 

It think we make a good couple in that I think if she was to hook up with someone who also isn't very affectionate, there would be a greater chance of her being in a sexless marriage. 

He might be just what she needs if he is affectionate and she isn't. As long as they do have tender loving moments when they are alone. My wife often complains about me but also thanks me for
being persistent when it comes to intimacy and affection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> I've been struggling with this for a while but haven't come up with any answers, so I've decided to ask here.
> 
> My daughter's getting married next year, and I think it's a huge mistake. She'll be 21, her fiance will be 24. I really like him, he's a nice kid, hard worker, they have common goals and want the same things in life.
> 
> ...


bring her to this fourm and let her read some of the stories on here. if that don't open her eyes then at leasr you can say I told you so.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I can ditto SadSam

I hear ya. I was always wanting to touch my wife and she NEVER really liked to even hold hands. Fast forward 19 years and it still hasn't changed much. Now I feel very sad and although still married, I feel very unloved and wonder when the romance/affection will start. I've given it way too much time.

I will agree that they may have a sexless marriage. My wife is a great friend/roommate. For me though I want more. I just don't want to leave my daughter.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Well, you could start off by asking her what magical faery is going to suddenly make her BF change into the Husband she really wants.

I agree with pre-marriage counciling. Wish we would have done that. Maybe if you offer to pay, and tell her the MC will help them make a smooth transition.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel bad for her future husband and if I was the mom, I would likely find a moment to pull him aside and have a little talk about your daughter. If you feel strongly enough to post on a forum, there is something there. Often love is so blind, we think it will get better after the wedding ....Encourage him to come here and read some posts !! (Though he may find that advice very strange!) 

If she is seriously wanting him just cause he is the family man type & wanting to have kids, I agree with you, there needs to be more of a spark. Giving him a little warning -not too bluntly - but just talking about how your daughter is, it may put a seed in him to question what he is signing up for. He is to be your future son in law, do you care about him ? 

I fear this sort of thing happening to my sons , it would be bad for many men, most especially if their primary love language is Physical Touch, this will really really hurt him over the years, he will feel less loved and even suffer. 

Then maybe he is fully aware of how she is and wants her anyway! Like what Sad Sam said !


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If it does end up with he making a mistake then its her mistake not yours. Its something that you need ti let her do and get out of her system all you can do is be supportive and advise her the choice is really down to her shes old enough right from wrong.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Suggest they both take the Love Languages test , it will give them something to talk about before their wedding, buy them the book, a variety of tests online .....

Love Language Quiz | The 5 Love Languages®

******* | Take The 5 Love Languages Test

The Five Love Languages Quiz and Love Test - One Of The Best Relationship Quizzes

It is something every couple marrying should be very aware of and in how to keep thier partner happy & fullfilled.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would NOT give her any advice. In fact, I would do the exact opposite of what you are doing. The next time you speak to her, say "You know what, I just want you to know that I have faith in you to make the right decisions for yourself and if you think marrying Joe Schmoe will make you happy, I'm sure he will." Then just keep repeating that you trust her judgement whenever she talks to you.

What this does is forces her to reallly take responsibility for her own actions. It makes her really think if she's doing the right thing....because instead of being busy defending her decision from your disapproval, you are giving her the space to really think if this is right for her. 

I did this with my son when he was involved with a crazy girl who was toxic and needy. As soon as I backed off and said "If you think she's good for you, then she must be because I trust your decisions", he broke up with her.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Is your daughter always like this? Has she ever been affectionate with other boyfriends. Does she show affection with you?
> 
> My wife has never been affectionate. It drives her crazy if I try to hug her in public. We have been married for 23 years. I am often frustrated when she is cold to me. I would like her to be more affectionate. But we do have an Ok sex life. Was great when we were younger.
> 
> ...


Maybe you're right. I do need to realize that not all relationships are like mine, and not every couple wants the same things. She never has liked boys who were "all over her" and she isn't big on public displays of affection between couples. But she's talking about even when they're home alone together and she wants to be reading and he wants her to be close to him. I just don't sense any passion between them.

But, like other posters have said, there probably isn't much I can do. I'll try to insist on some pre-marital counseling. I do think that would be a great idea.


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