# Will it ever be possible to be in a relationship with the person you cheated with???



## Enoughalready (Jun 12, 2011)

Let me first explain the situation... 

We met at work. Both of us were in relationships when we met. I am not a cheater. I left my spouse before anything happened. We were already in the break up process when I met this person. I was told on numerous occasions that they were also broken up. But of course now I'm thinking that wasn't the case... 

For months we carried out an office relationship... Started with emails. Went to lunches. Company functions together... I was told that the ex wouldn't leave. They didn't have any place for them or the kids to go.... I heard the I want to be with you but I just don't know how to change my situation blah blah blah. 

I finally moved out of my house into an apartment. I took the necessary steps toward us trying to build something together. Of course it didn't work out how I planned. They got scared and ran back. Tried to make the marriage work. By that time it was too late. The ex was already emotionally check out. About a month later they finally left. 


During that time we had together I fell in love with this person. We have an amazing time together. We flow well together. Everything is almost perfect...

So here's where my question lies... It's been 2 months since the ex has been gone. Now the feelings of guilt are hitting and the ex is saying that because of this person you lost your family. Now the person I'm in love with is blaming me for their life being messed up. 

I do not condone cheating. The only reason I continued is because I thought the situation was different. Now I'm stuck in love with someone who says they can't be with me because every time they look at me they think about the failed relationship. What do I do???


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Isn't this the way it usually goes? I mean sure there are those few cases where the rebound/person you cheated with goes on to be a long term relationship but I don't think that is the norm. In my circle I've yet to see relationships that start out this way go on to be successful. Not one of them.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds like you spread yourself thin emotionally and realize now that other people aren't the emotionally stable rocks they pretend to be.

Nothing new going on in that reality.

Focus on what you have and what you can rely on, yourself.
Let other people be alone with their problems.

By being involved with them you give them the opportunity to put the blame on you...and what do you get out of it except blame and transferred guilt? Doesn't sound like a fair exchange for 'love' to me.

At least a dog you take out for a walk as a volunteer at an animal shelter, doesn't blame you when you put them back in their kennel...no the next time you come to see them they wag their tails and lick your face.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

As a betrayed spouse it pains me to say but...

I have a good friend and a brother who both fathered a child outside of their unhappy marriages. Both split from their wives and married the other woman. Both have been happily married for many years and are great fathers to all their children. From everything I can see their relationships are strong and healthy.

Though, in my opinion both of them were married to emotionally unstable women in their first marriages, and frankly, I think (and that doesn't really count for much) they married for the wrong reasons. They were both miserable and so were their wives (who, incidentally from what I can tell are both still miserable even 15 and 20 years later). While I cannot say that I think they acted honorably, certainly they have better lives now because of the decisions they made. Sometimes life lessons are very painful.

Those are the only people I know who had affairs. 

The breakup of your paramour's family is not your fault and it is unfair of his ex-wife to blame you. She is focusing on you, not on the problems that certainly existed in their relationship. You do not have control over other people. Only yourself. 

You did, however, enable him in breaking up his family. But that is not the same as being at fault. He had his choices. You had yours.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I look at it like this, you stated you weren't so sure if the person you're involved with, was actually free from their relationship when you were seeing each other. Its highly possible they fed you a line of BS and things were still carrying on normally with their home and they were seeing you. Chances are if they can cheat with you they can cheat on you, so why would you want to be with them? Also if they are now blaming you, that is a big red flag right there. Surely you can do better.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If they are blaming you, then they are not for you. They had a choice just as anyone else does. Trust me, you do not want to be involved with someone who likes to play the blame game and doesn't take responsibility for their choices/actions.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Next time around don't get intimate with a married man no matter what he tells you.

Look for an available man.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

michzz hit it on the head. You were the other woman and could have destroyed a family. What do you expect? NExt time check him out and be 100% sure he's divorced before you get involved. So now that it fell apart you are regretting getting divorced. It sounds to me like you had an EA which is just as bad as an PA when you were married.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not bashing you, but you need to be more honest with yourself.
EVERYONE thinks "my situation is different". But it's just not. You're in the fog, and adjust or revise reality to fit your adrenaline rushes. You convince yourself "you're in love, and that's all that matters". 

Then reality comes crashing down, and you look around asking "wtf?" and don't understand why it isn't all happening the way you envisioned. The answer is "because what you envisioned wasn't reality".

You do not condone cheating, but were in a relationship where it was accepted by you - certainly on his part, and partially at least on your part. And I'd take it a next step beyond what 8years said - you DID detsroy a family. At least what it was, before your A. Maybe permanently beyond repair. The point here is, that wasn't yours to mess with.

What do you do? You walk away and work on yourself, admit and take responsibility for your role, and find it within yourself to avoid such a situation ever again. If he walks away from his mariage to be with you, fine. Until then, he's not yours to love or to be with. 
And I keep reading there's a 3% chance of it turning out the way you're still fantasizing, and even then, a 75% chance one or both of you would cheat then.


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

_*I was told on numerous occasions *_...

_*I was told that the ex wouldn't leave*_...

And you believed everything he said because...?

_*During that time we had together I fell in love with this person*_...

So you feel you are in love, but what about the OM? Do you know he indeed is in love with you? Is it because he said so?

_*The only reason I continued is because I thought the situation was different.*_

Every affair always starts differently, but they all end the same.

_*What do I do??? *_

Ask yourself what do you want? Do you want a short term relationship that is full of surprises or a long term relationship that you two could grow old together?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

97% of hook-ups that are adulterous fail

Why would you wanna continue on with this guy, anyway

This is the way your future would have been----YOU WOULD ALWAYS COME 2ND TO HIS CHILDREN---NO MATTER WHAT.

If his ex---needed something, you would immediately, be in an antagonistic, situation with your lover, and this would happen, EVERY TIME THE EX CAME AROUND

Your ex---would have to part with much of his finances, (finances meant for your relationship), to meet his children's needs

It is a no-win situation---that's why there is a 97% failure rate

You blew off your own relationship, basically for nothing---SO YOU ARE NOW FREE---GO OUT AND FIND A SINGLE MAN WHO HAS LITTLE OR NO BAGGAGE


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What you should do is move on. 

They say affair relationships have a 2% chance of making it. I don't know how accurate that # is. Some relationships can last that start that way but they are RARE. Why? Because the foundation is bad. It's based on deceit, lies and betrayal and, in your case, the destruction of a family. 

His ex kind of has a point about how he lost his family because of you. In some ways, he did. Their lives will never be the same again. The dynamic has changed forever. And you played a part in that. Him blaming you for everything is ridiculous though. Get far far away from anyone who shoulders all the blame on you and acts like they have no part in it. That speaks a lot about his character.

It sounds like you were way more invested in him than the other way around. Stay away.


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

Stop giving Enoughalready a false hope by quoting the statistic, 2-3% successful rate is much higher odd than winning the lottery. And people buy lottery tickets every day. She may think that she is in the 2% category and strives to make it work.


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