# I Thought Things Were Getting Better.



## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

My husband and I had been having some trouble a while back. (long list of reasons) I finally got frustrated to the point I couldn't deal with it so I left town for a week to go see some family in another state to get some space and think about things. I left without telling him I was leaving which didn't go over to well.. lol. At the time I was so angry with him ignoring the way I felt I didn't think he'd miss me that much. While I was gone we argued over the phone a few times and divorce was brought up. 

When I came back I decided to stay with my parents until we figured out what was going to happen. We were living with his mom, which was/is a huge problem. I've moved 95% of my stuff out of her house. For a couple of weeks we didn't talk much. We both needed time to think and cool off. He seemed like he was pretty upset at first and wanted me to come back. We talked some on the phone and in person about the problems I was having. For example:

*His mom was saying and implying bad things about me to him when she thought I couldn't hear. When I confronted him with it he blew it off like it didn't matter and didn't want an argument.

*His personal hygiene is lacking and he doesn't seem to care. He said himself that sometimes people think he drinks and does drugs all the time because of the way he looks. Like it's okay to look like white trash. 

*He promised he'd quit smoking before we got married and didn't. He lied about it instead and lied about it. It didn't take long for me to figure it out but he still denied it and said I was paranoid and delusional. Before anyone says it, yes I know it's hard to quit smoking etc, etc. The point is that he lied.

*He and his mom are total slobs. It didn't matter if I had just cleaned the house, they'd mess it up in no time. Trash in the sink, socks and towels all over the living room floor, leaving toothpaste spit and hair all over the sink. (I went by there the other day and the inside of the toilet was covered in black mold.)

There were other things, but ya get the point. We talked things over and started doing things together. Oddly enough, things were great there for a while even though we were living apart from eachother. Actually that probably helped. We've been remodeling a house together and I started working on it more. It had been hard to do much because there was always stuff in the way. I got one room kinda liveable and stayed in the house (just an old trailer) by my self with no electricity or water for a while. It was a lot like camping out and I enjoyed some time alone to think. 

During that time we decided we'd get back together and put our wedding rings back on. I apologized for the things I did wrong and even put it in writing in a card. Things were going good and we were doing things together on the weekends. He had been avoiding me on the weekend because he couldn't smoke around me. [sarcastic voice on] I'm sooo glad I'm more important that a cigarette!!! [/sarcastic voice off] I started letting him smoke around me and even smoked some too just to see what the big freakin deal was. 

Since things were so much better I'd gotten comfortable in thinking everything was going to be ok and the house was getting closer to being done. He, kinda out of the blue, brings up having kids. I had planned on not having any- ever. I agreed to since we'd have a good place to live etc. We decided we wouldn't really try that hard, we just wouldn't try not to. I figured it would take at least 6 months or so for anything to happen. Well surprise! A little over a month later I find out I'm pregnant. He and I were/are (?) happy about it and our familys excited for us. (well, my mom kinda freaked out some)

Now at this point (I'm about 14 weeks along in pregnancy) things have gotten a little weird. Not long after I found out I was pregnant I started staying with my parents again. It's not terribly comfortable living in an old trailer house with no a/c during the summer and I needed to look after my health a little better. I hadn't been eating or sleeping good. For a while our sex life had gotten a lot better. I guess due to these pregnancy hormones that changed. I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water on me. That didn't go over great, but he didn't make a huge deal over it. Although it's gotten better now I don't see him much. 

And that's the problem now. I hardly ever see him. For a while after I first got pregnant he was getting mad because I wasn't doing anything to fix up the house. Mostly I needed to paint. I didn't think it was healthy to breathe paint fumes considering my condition. I also quit smoking and had to cut back on my medication. Anyway, he got a truckload of wood flooring for the house. It had to be carried inside armload by armload. He insisted I help him carry it in. With these armloads of wood I had to go up the hill to the house, go up several steps on a leaning porch and to the other side of the house with crap laying around all over the floor. Great idea. I guess it didn't matter if I fell and had a miscarriage. 

I know things have been rough for him lately. His boss is being a complete jerk. He was off for a week with no pay, then work a week, now this last week he was off again. I haven't been working, we have no savings, and he dosen't get paid days off because he gets paid in cash. Our bills are behind. All this time though, he pays his moms house payment and who knows what else. Oh, not to mention a pack a day or more of cigarettes. That adds up pretty quick. He would say before if he just had a week off work he'd have the house done. I think he maybe worked 2 days on it while he was off. We are out of a lot of supplies and are waiting for money to buy more, but there is still work that can be done. 

He also only calls me 1-2 times a week and never comes by the house to see me. He lives another town over about 10-15 miles away. He'll talk about going to see his friend or going by to see his mom at work. I ask him why he didn't call or come see me to which he says he dosen't have the gas to make it to my house. I know that's a load of crap. I talked to him about it last friday. I told him I felt like he thought everyone else was more important than me. He really should spend time with me. He mentioned some thing about not having sex for a long time... It would help if he was around more!! This leads to now... saturday. I haven't heard from him all day. I know he hasn't been at the house because I went by there twice today. So, WTF???

Sorry this got so long, I guess I had a lot to rant about. Any advice on what to do or what might be going on inside his head would be helpful!!!


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I'm alittle confused as to why you would want to have a baby when you were unsure of your relationship status after moving away, your unfinished home, your pending financial situation? Seems that some of the above mentioned items should have been considered when making the "baby" decision . . .. 

Guess you can't go back in time & need to deal with the current situation at hand. 
Maybe your husband wasn't as ready for kids as he thought & now that the reality of having one has set it he has "freaked"? Hopefully he can get over the shock & be there to support you & your unborn child during your pregnancy. However your comment about him insisting you help him carry lumber & paint your house are not healthy things to be doing while you are pregnant. 
For your sake & the sake of your child, you need to take good care of yourself & don't do anything that can harm either of you. Kudos to you for stop smoking - I am sure that was tough. 
I would continue to keep your husband involved in this process & continue to work on getting your home livable - that way you & your husband can live together & aren't seperated by distance. In addition, continue to care for yourself & unborn child. 
Best wishes


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Thanks believer

I guess I went ahead and agreed with starting a family because I was trying to be optimistic about the future. We had talked over our problems and thought everything was going to be ok. I didn't think things would be perfectly easy. Marriages are hard work, even harder during difficult times. 

I am feeling a little better today. He called twice which is good. I hate that he spends so much time talking about stereo equipment though. Maybe it's an outlet for the stress he's going through. Were going to try to go to a park next weekend and have a picnic. That would really be nice. 

I went to the house today to clean up some of the construction mess. I can't stand a messy work enviornment! Maybe I can get something done during the week. I want to get moved in so he and I can be under the same roof. A good point: I found the screwdriver I've been missing for about a month. :woohoo:


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Yes, I think getting your place liveable so you 2 can be together is DEFINITELY the next step here. & yeh that you found your screwdrive 
I think it is important for you 2 to have some time together as a couple before your little bundle of joy arrives. 
Babies are amazing & gives your life a whole new meaning. But they are also a lot of work & will add emotional, physical & financial strain to any relationship. so I think it is very important that you & your husband have a strong relationship going into this . 
Until you can be together - I think talking, texting & keeping in touch however you can is really important. And finding time to be together whenever you can. 
Again best wishes & be sure to take care of yourself so you can have a healthy baby!!


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Thanks believer!

Well, not a good day. He was supposed to come over after work. No call, no show. I'm not suprised. He doesn't have a house phone where he lives and refuses to get a cell phone. He only calls from his moms cell phone. He obviously is too lazy to use a payphone or just show up. 

I'm seriously starting to loose all faith in him. I can't believe anything he says. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in our life, and I'm totally miserable. I'm also starting to wonder if he has someone on the side, ya know... or maybe I'm on the side? IF I actually see him this weekend I'm going to have to get to the point on how I'm feeling. He'll probably get mad and defensive.


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