# Is my husband an a$$ or am I?



## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

I know this might sound really stupid to some people, but hear me out please.

I'm in my late 20s and I never got a career going. I have a college degree but I could never get hired anywhere except temp jobs that weren't fulfilling. I got together with my now husband straight out of college. After two years of searching for meaningful work, he suggested I just go to work for his business. I'm basically his secretary and I absolutely hate it. I spend my days doing menial office tasks alone in a back room. I meet no one and communicate with no one. I have zero friends of my own and my husband and parents are the only people I talk to.

I'm a social person that likes to be challenged so it depresses me a lot to be isolated and doing things that take no real abilities. 

He says unless I can find a job that makes more than $10/hour (which I can't - I tried for 2 years) there is no point in me complaining and I should be happy for what I have. I have become horribly depressed and sometimes even think about suicide. 

About two years ago, I started a blog that made me feel a little happier. I love writing and communicating with people and this blog allowed me to do that. Along with the blog, I built up a following on a social media site of 15,000 people. I also was able to make about $200 per month. I know it's not much but it was mine. It kind of became an obsession because I saw it as an escape from my depression and it made me feel like I accomplished something.

I logged onto the social media profile the other day and it was shut down. Apparently I broke some rule so the company deleted my profile. I've been really upset about it and looked to my husband for support. Instead I got this:

"Get over it, it's a stupid social media account. What, like you were going to support us on your $200 per month. Real adults start businesses that make $200 an hour. Stop being a kid."

and 

"You're in your late 20s with no career. People your age start real businesses, not stupid blogs and social media accounts. What you did MIGHT be impressive if you were 10 years younger. Get over it and start doing something real with your life. You're pathetic. Your attitude disgusts me."

I wasn't crying when the account was deleted, just after he said all that. When I started crying I just got called immature and pathetic some more. 

Later on he apologized and tried to be supportive, but it didn't feel sincere. Especially since his way of "cheering me up" was this joke "wow your reaction to this would make a great advertisement for that social media site." 

So, is it pathetic that I'm this sad over losing this. Should I just get over it and move on? Or was my husband being an a$$? Honest answers please, don't worry about hurting my feelings.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yes your husband is an a$$. 

You graduated college at the time that the economy was at it's worst since the Great Depression. Many people couldn't find work. For years. What was your degree in? Can you go back to school to further your education?

At a minimum, I'd begin to look for a new job. If it's depressing you then find something else. Anything.

One has to wonder if you had a spouse that offered even a modicum of support, didn't put you down constantly and devalue your self worth, you would be happier both personally and professionally.

PS. Start a new blog. Please. It was the one thing that made you happy. Do it for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, how did your company go about deleting your profile? That doesn't make any sense to me.

Second, your husband is an ass.

Third, you should definitely get a new job. What kind of degree (i.e. major) do you have?


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> First, how did your company go about deleting your profile? That doesn't make any sense to me.
> 
> Second, your husband is an ass.
> 
> Third, you should definitely get a new job. What kind of degree (i.e. major) do you have?


I didn't read their terms of service carefully and accidentally broke one of the rules. I guess they don't give warnings, they just delete. I just logged in and it was gone. And no, I wasn't promoting anything illegal or immoral or anything like that.

I have a liberal arts degree, but so do many people I know who all have decent or good jobs so I don't know if the degree is the problem. A former friend with the exact same degree from the exact same college found a job but I just never could. 

I'm outgoing in social situations, but the moment I know I'm going to be judged, like at a job interview, I completely shut down and stutter, turn red in the face, start sweating, and just get really nervous in general. So you can guess how all my job interviews went.

I can't find a new job because of my husband. He says he needs me at my current "job" and he can't afford to hire anyone if I'm not there. I don't make any money, I just get all my bills paid. If we have a good week in sales I might get some spending money, but that's about it. 

It's not like he takes a lot of money for himself and things he wants. He actually goes without things he needs and buys me things. For example, he really needs health insurance but there's only enough money for mine so I'm the only one who has it. 

I might hate this job, but it has put a roof over our heads and food on the table so I have to carry on. I just miss having someone else to come home to that I actually enjoyed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hannah,

You write well and communicate like the smart college graduate you are. 

I'm sure it was demoralizing to look hard and not find a job. Don't give up on yourself. I'm confident that if you persist, you can find a better position than what you currently have. 

A couple general observations:
- In general, you seem a bit sad/depressed
- In that state it's easy to think of yourself as a victim - which appears to be happening to some degree
- For example, I do believe it's reasonable for your H to ask you to contribute financially - and yet I sense that some of your resentment about your situation is spilling over into resentment towards him

So I'm going to ask a question, and depending on your answer I have two different views of his behavior:

Have you in general been punishing him, because you dislike your job situation? 

If you have, than its possible his response was the pent up anger for being punished for a situation that he did not create, and is likely just trying to make the best of. That does NOT mean I approve his conduct, as I don't. It just means that it may continue to happen if he feels badly treated/neglected by you. 

If you can honestly say that you have not been punishing or neglecting him because you're unhappy, and that you are being a consistently good wife - loving and mostly meeting his marital needs: whole different ball game. 

Because if that's the case, I have to ask whether this was a huge outlier on his part, or if instead he has a sadistic streak? 

Because what he did was intentionally cruel - and he directly targeted your sense of self - which he knows isn't very strong right now. 

In a way - the blog and the marriage have parallels. 

Both have a mix of clear cut rules and softer more qualitative rules. And in both cases the odds of a bad event for you increase dramatically as you ignore those rules. 

-----------
Final question: in general does your H go out of his way to treat you well, build you up, compliment you? 

Has he given you the opportunity to learn more about the business so you can do more substantive work? 






hannah77 said:


> I know this might sound really stupid to some people, but hear me out please.
> 
> I'm in my late 20s and I never got a career going. I have a college degree but I could never get hired anywhere except temp jobs that weren't fulfilling. I got together with my now husband straight out of college. After two years of searching for meaningful work, he suggested I just go to work for his business. I'm basically his secretary and I absolutely hate it. I spend my days doing menial office tasks alone in a back room. I meet no one and communicate with no one. I have zero friends of my own and my husband and parents are the only people I talk to.
> 
> ...


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Hannah,
> 
> You write well and communicate like the smart college graduate you are.
> 
> ...


To address your first question about "punishment":

I suppose I do "punish" him with my negative attitude. I do not do this intentionally. I don't blame him for my failures with my career. I am just so depressed and it is hard for me to act happy. It is hard for me to feel like I want to be intimate too but I do make sure that we are intimate at least a few times per week (which isn't enough for him, but it is the most I can do). He never forces me or anything, but he does complain A LOT if he doesn't get sex every other day or so.

And yes, I agree it is wrong of me not to contribute financially which is why no matter how much I hate it I continue to go to work 6 days a week. 

However, we don't work well together. We get frustrated with each other a lot, but where my frustration usually just turns into tears and me wanting to be alone, his frustration turns into him calling me names. His favorite name for me is "stupid" or "b!tch." (or a combination of the 2).

Every time I make a mistake I'm called stupid. I'm told how stupid I am at least 3 times every week. Even small things that can easily fixed cause him to blow up. 

It's not like he never compliments me or apologizes, he does. But I feel like the compliments are canceled out by the insults which are much more frequent. 

He does give me opportunities to learn new things, but the trouble is they are things I have no interest in (like doing the taxes, for example). 

I do have resentment toward him because he holds me back from looking for work other places. I'm told that I can't quit because he needs me and he can't afford to hire a replacement. He says that I spent too long looking before and now I just need to work. 

I also feel like he ignores my needs outside of work. I enjoy going out and socializing with others. It could be anywhere - dinner, a play, an art museum, or just for a walk. He never wants to leave the house unless it is to go to the office to work. We recently received as a Christmas gift from his mother a gift card to a nice restaurant. He refuses to take me. When I say I have needs, he says "what are you, a prostitute? If I take you out to dinner we can have sex?" Why is it so wrong for me to want to do things other than work for him? He does not like going out, I get it. But isn't marriage about compromise, and doing things you don't want to do sometimes to make the other person happy?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Got to say he sounds like a jerk. He is treating you like a bad boss treats an employee and that's not the way to a marriage. My parents have been married over 50 years but working together did not work. And if you are feeling so bad because of how he treats you, you have to consider divorce. 

Parenthetically if you have 15,000 readers, there has to be a better way of generating income. Consider co-blogging. I have a site and if I could hook into something with that kind of presence, I might pay 50 or 60 dollars a month and with a few company, income could well increase.

Along with the blog, I built up a following on a social media site of 15,000 people. I also was able to make about $200 per month. I know it's not much but it was mine. It kind of became an obsession because I saw it as an escape from my depression and it made me feel like I accomplished something.

I logged onto the social media profile the other day and it was shut down. Apparently I broke some rule so the company deleted my profile. I've been really upset about it and looked to my husband for support. Instead I got this:

"Get over it, it's a stupid social media account. What, like you were going to support us on your $200 per month. Real adults start businesses that make $200 an hour. Stop being a kid."


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Hannah - Your hubby is a complete tool,, sapping at the very confidence you need for interviews.

Your blog money amounted to more than he pays you,, and why is he dictating how much per hour you have to earn to get his permission to leave?

Screw him and his dictates. You need to get out of your near-literal closet of isolation.

Forget the good job. You'll be much happier doing ANY job and getting your social skills back. 

When you're employed,, other employers won't throw your CV in the trash so readily.

Taunting you about the loss of your blog is disgraceful. Start another,, e.g. livingwithajérk.org.

You enjoyed it. There's more to life than material gain. If you were 'too' upset over the loss,, I'm not surprised. You have nothing else but your dull-as-fùck alcove and an arse's ring on your finger.

Seriously - Apply to McD's, BK or Walmart. YOUTHS work there and their exuberance will rub off on you. The independence will work wonders, too. The depression will lift. Use it as a base from which to apply for better jobs.

If díckhead doesn't support you and mocks you,, trade him in for somebody who cares and encourages your work and hobbies.

Your life doesn't have to be over. You're entitled to fun, love and to persue any destiny of your choosing. Anyone who doesn't support that doesn't deserve you.

There's a big and fascinating world that has plenty of room for you. ANY job will get you out of that isolated, soul destroying cupboard.

Do it for you. Scrèw that insensitive oaf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm on the husband's side. He might sound like an ass, but he's totally right.

Not everything is money, but in a marriage where the poor guy has even forgone his own health insurance so his wife could have it, there can be little room for criticizing his position.

You and your husband both resent each other (it's very clear), but you've taken the blaming game to the next level by totally liberating yourself of any responsibility as far as the financial outlook and your lack of ambition goes.

Your husband is absolutely right that without making at least $10/hour full-time, there's little sense in him having to hire someone to replace you at the business. There is no extra money going around. You either make it or work for him. It's your choice.

The insults, the lack of chemistry and all the negative feelings are the result of two-way resentment. You're both headed for dark times if you don't address this via counseling and lots of reading. You're walking on a very slippery slope.



> I can't find a new job because of my husband.


This is a lie. A very bad one too. You're not handcuffed. You have enough time to service an online blog with 15,000 followers (which is closed now), but you can't find time to search for a job?!



> I have a college degree but I could never get hired anywhere except temp jobs that weren't fulfilling.


Sorry honey, but very few people (if anyone) is ever 'fulfilled' by their *JOB*. There's a reason it's called a job and there's a reason they pay you to do it. If it was such a fulfilling joyful thing, it would be called 'entertainment' and you'd have to pay to do it.



> I have zero friends of my own and my husband and parents are the only people I talk to.
> 
> I'm a social person that likes to be challenged so it depresses me a lot to be isolated and doing things that take no real abilities.


You can't be a social person and have zero friends. This is not your husband's fault nor the business's. This is completely your own lifestyle choice. People don't go to their jobs to find long lasting friendships. They do it to get paid.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Even when I've had to empty every coin jar in the house to buy gas to get to work until the next payday, I NEVER have called my wife a stupid b!tch or anything else! Your husband needs to find a better way of dealing with his stress.

If he were supportive / appreciative of your working for him, you probably would be in a very different place emotionally, and not hate your current job.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have a job - one in which you're needed and would require a replacement if you were to leave. Therefore, you are contributing financially. 

Establish some boundaries with your employer. No insults (stupid?) or other behavior that would not fly in any other employer-employee relationship. Cut your hours to 5 days a week & look to volunteer in a field that has a potential to lead to paid work.

And, yes, your husband is a tool and an a$$. Give him notice that if he doesn't clean up his act, you're firing him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A following of 15,000 is impressive. What were you blogging about? That should give you a clue as to where you should seek work.

My father earned a lot of money when I was young. He lorded his high status over my mother who was a nurse who gave up her profession to raise me and my three brothers.

My father's abusive behavior stemmed from his own insecurities. He had a hard childhood. But whatever the reason your husband is being a jerk, you have to stand up to him. 

After you are intimate does he fall asleep or do you talk? Could you ask him if he feels you are stupid b!tch? 

When he replies that he does not, tell him that every time he does it a little bit of the respect you feel for each other takes a hit. Why would he want to make love to a stupid b!tch? 

I agree with the poster who suggested getting a job at Home Depot, anywhere that would help you be financially independent.

If you get health insurance, that will free up money for your husband.

Can you encourage your husband to work out and pursue his hobbies?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> You and your husband both resent each other (it's very clear), but you've taken the blaming game to the next level by totally liberating yourself of any responsibility as far as the financial outlook and your lack of ambition goes.


So in your honest opinion, Synthetic - this means he is free to talk to her how he pleases every day at work?

Sorry - if she was any employee besides his wife and he talked to her that way, the person would have quit, or he'd get sued. Which other employee could you call a "stupid b!tc$" at work all the time without consequence?

How is going in 6 days a week (no doubt more than an true 40-hour a week employee would) "liberating herself from any responsibility as far as the financial outlook" ? What defines "lack of ambition."


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

You have a college degree.

time to pull up your boot straps and find a job. even if its a lateral move. you can climb the latter.
but working for your husbands family isn't going to get you where you need or want to be.

if your depressed go to the doctors,get some therapy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hannah77 said:


> I didn't read their terms of service carefully and accidentally broke one of the rules. I guess they don't give warnings, they just delete. I just logged in and it was gone. And no, I wasn't promoting anything illegal or immoral or anything like that.


Sooo... one of their rules is that employees can't have social media accounts? Or blogs? Did you make specific reference to the company and/or working conditions there in your blog?

And how did anyone at work even have the access necessary to delete your profile? That's actually what I meant.



hannah77 said:


> I have a liberal arts degree, but so do many people I know who all have decent or good jobs so I don't know if the degree is the problem. A former friend with the exact same degree from the exact same college found a job but I just never could.
> 
> I'm outgoing in social situations, but the moment I know I'm going to be judged, like at a job interview, I completely shut down and stutter, turn red in the face, start sweating, and just get really nervous in general. So you can guess how all my job interviews went.


There are actually interview/resume counseling services available. I'll bet that'd work wonders for you.



hannah77 said:


> I can't find a new job because of my husband. He says he needs me at my current "job" and he can't afford to hire anyone if I'm not there. I don't make any money, I just get all my bills paid. If we have a good week in sales I might get some spending money, but that's about it.
> 
> It's not like he takes a lot of money for himself and things he wants. He actually goes without things he needs and buys me things. For example, he really needs health insurance but there's only enough money for mine so I'm the only one who has it.
> 
> I might hate this job, but it has put a roof over our heads and food on the table so I have to carry on. I just miss having someone else to come home to that I actually enjoyed.


Basically you have 4 options...

1. Change nothing
2. Change your job
3. Change your marital situation (i.e. leave your husband)
4. Change BOTH

Realistically, #3 really isn't possible since leaving your husband would also cost you the crappy job. So, of the remaining 3 options, which seems the most appealing?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... one of their rules is that employees can't have social media accounts? Or blogs? Did you make specific reference to the company and/or working conditions there in your blog?
> 
> And how did anyone at work even have the access necessary to delete your profile? That's actually what I meant.


Her husbands business didn't delete the account, the social media company did. Or she got hacked and her account taken over.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I wouldn't call my worst employee stupid, pathetic or that their attitude disgusts me. Let alone say that to my wife. There is a fine line between tough love and being an a$$hole. He's crossed it. But that's just my opinion.

Hannah needs to develop some self confidence and stand up for herself. Again, she couldn't find a job when she graduated- again going by her age assuming late 2000's. Hubby gives her remedial, minimum wage job at the family business. Fine for temporary work, but not a full time solution. Now he won't let her leave because he can't afford to hire someone else. Which tells me she is grossly underpaid for the work she is doing and to hire someone else he will need to increase the pay for the position. 

we are getting one side of the story. But I would put money down that if Hannah found a job at double her salary hubby would still not be happy, and discourage OP. But she is selfish. Got it.

And Hannah, only way to improve at job interviews is to just keep practicing. Be yourself, show self confidence. with practice you will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Maybe I missed it...but how long has he been in business? 

Are there any other employee's? 

How much is he making from the business annually?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

where did he call her stupid?

he called her blog stupid not her.

if she called his car stupid would that equate her calling him stupid?

classic argument tatic. insert what you feel instead of he said to prove or demonize to win your argument.


she couldn't find meaningfull work so she get a free pass and dosen't have to work a job she find not meaningfull.

I say bull everybody should try to work if you don't like what you find you take what you can and keep looking for something better.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm not saying she shouldn't work but to find something else. Never ideal to give up any job unless extreme circumstances.

I saw "stupid b---h" mentioned a few times. Maybe only the blog was stupid. Her words were he said she was pathetic and her attitude disgusted her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

No, to clarify he calls both me and the blog stupid. If I make a mistake at work, I'm told I'm stupid. Or if I think he's handling something wrong with a customer and I express my opinion, I'm stupid and "an immature kid who doesn't know how the world works." It's usually just when he's stressed.

And yes, when my husband says "if you apply for other jobs I will ruin it." and has gone into my email account and sent emails to employers saying "sorry I applied for this by accident please delete my application" it's safe to say I can't apply for other jobs. 

He did not do this 3 years ago when I was applying for work. That failure was all my fault, not his. But now that I work for him he says I need to just stick with it unless I can make $50,000 per year (up from $10/hour it was last month) or more. And with only secretarial experience, that isn't going to happen. I'm stuck until his business becomes so successful that he can hire whoever he wants.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

I never said I shouldn't have to work. I could never just sit around all day, that's not my personality. But what is wrong with me wanting to do something I enjoy? I'm not unrealistic. By fulfilling I meant something that challenges me and that I at least somewhat like doing. I did not mean a perfect dream job as I realize those don't really exist. 

I did work temp jobs before while I was applying for other jobs. I was a receptionist, a waitress, even a real estate agent assistant for a little while. But I wanted to keep looking for something permanent. When I wasn't working, I was doing ALL of the housework, cooking, laundry, etc. I never just sat around. I always contributed something. I also contributed all of the small inheritance I got from a family member who died to his business. It wasn't much but I didn't spend any of it on things I wanted.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Unfortunately in a forum such as this, we only get one side of the story. We take what the posters' say at face value. That's all we can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Hannah, someone else asked about finances. What is your salary/wage right now? What does your husband take for pay out of the business? Is it a family business or Just his business ? How many employees? Ballpark revenue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

Helengreene said:


> You did all the household chores when you weren't working? I should hope so. You say it like it's some kind of injustice.
> 
> As for doing something you enjoy, some women don't have the luxury of a husband who is willing to support a wife. You do. Do you exist solely to enjoy yourself? What are you, a cat? What about him? Do you appreciate everything he's done for you? Pull your socks up.


You misunderstood me. I did believe it was fair to do the chores, which is why I did them. I'm just trying to emphasize the point that I wasn't just sitting around all day.

How do I have the "luxury of a husband who is willing to support a wife." When I WORK??

Maybe my tasks aren't as challenging, but that's because he prefers to handle that stuff not because I'm not willing to. I work 50+ hours per week and then come home and do 100% of the chores and cooking. I do them because I realize how stressed he is and I don't complain or mind. While I'm cooking dinner he lays in bed and reads and relaxes. That's his time and I respect it. Then he gets food put in front of him. All he has to do is put his dishes in the sink. Then he usually gets a back rub from me because I DO appreciate him. 

But I also feel that it isn't wrong for me to want to pursue things that make me happy, while also fulfilling responsibilities at home or financially the best I can.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Part of the reason we get married is so we can be better people than we'd be alone.

Fact: You are unhappy in your present job that pays only $10 an hour and you consider it menial work.
Fact: Your blog pays far less than that.
Fact: You are in your late twenties.
Fact: You have a college degree that probably costs at least $60K.
Fact: You are married and your financial choices impact your husband's life.

You may not wish to hear the truth but the truth is you are way underemployed and you are not shouldering a fair share of the family's economic burden not does it appear you are really trying to. Even if every fiber of my being found fulfillment in a $10 an hour job, I couldn't work it because it wouldn't support my family. When we get married, we quit doing what we want and we do what contributes most to the success of the family and the relationship. Single people without kids have the luxury of doing what they want.
I would disagree with your husband that adults start their own businesses. A few adults do and far fewer succeed at it. That's his bag of cookies and for the time being, he may be succeeding at it. That doesn't mean it's right for you and it doesn't mean his business won't fold six months from now.
You are responsible for where you are and you are responsible for getting somewhere better. If you can't get a decent job with your degree you either picked the wrong degree or you moved to the wrong location. People are hiring in your area. If they aren't hiring you, it's because you don't have the skill sets they need. Figure out what those skill sets are and get them. 
A good husband isn't necessarily the one that would encourage you to wallow in failure. They would encourage and inspire you to be your best. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you were pulling down over $50K, had promotion potential, had a string of successes you could look back on? Why would a husband not want his wife to be happy and feel great about herself? 
He talked to you kinda tough and in a trusting relationship, partners should be able to speak honestly. At one time or another, we all need a kick in the drawers. People who really care about us aren't afraid to deliver it.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Hannah, someone else asked about finances. What is your salary/wage right now? What does your husband take for pay out of the business? Is it a family business or Just his business ? How many employees? Ballpark revenue?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My salary : rough over head, food in my stomach, heat, internet, health insurance, and maybe some spending money.

His salary: same minus health insurance. We are a 2 person business so insurance won't really be economical for us.

It is just his business. His father comes in as a volunteer sometimes, but he is retired. His father didn't start the business he was a teacher. He helps out with errands, clerical work, etc. We are very grateful to him for that.

Revenue last year, after all expenses, was around $40,000. But we have only been in business 2 years so this year it is going to be more.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She can't find a job on her own. Her husband won't let her. She's half the operation.

Perhaps they both need to find real jobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> Revenue last year, after all expenses, was around $40,000. But we have only been in business 2 years so this year it is going to be more.


Revenue is total gross sales. The $40,000 was profit?

Or, I could tank...There's no "sure thing" when it comes to being in business for yourself.

How many hours a week does HE work?


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Part of the reason we get married is so we can be better people than we'd be alone.
> 
> Fact: You are unhappy in your present job that pays only $10 an hour and you consider it menial work.
> Fact: Your blog pays far less than that.
> ...


The cost of my degree is irrelevant, it is paid off. My husband didn't pay a dime for that. It was paid off before we were married.

No one can deny the economy was, and is, bad. Especially back in 2009-2011 when I was looking. Things may be better now, I wouldn't know from first hand experience. I worked at a bar back in 2009 as a waitress. All of my fellow waitresses had college degrees. One had a business degree, one had a teaching degree, and another had a journalism degree from a silver league school. None of them could find jobs which is why we were working at the bar. I wasn't the only one. 

Unless you're an engineer or something like that which I'm not, no one starts out in life making $50K. How can I get to that level if I can't apply for entry level jobs and move up? It is unrealistic to expect someone with little work experience to make $50K just starting out.

Starting pay in my desired field is $30ish. But there is potential for growth. And bringing in $30K would allow me to easily pay half of the living expenses or more. It just wouldn't be enough for me to pay the expenses and his secretary's salary, which is what he wants.

I want to work and contribute, I just want to do something that I actually have an interest in. I plan on working in my current "job" until I find the job I want. I'm not sure if people here think I want to just quit right away and then look for work later, but that isn't my plan. 

But my husband is not supportive of me finding a new job, and says that I am "abandoning" him.

He wants to start a business and enjoys what he does. I supported him getting it off the ground. Why is it wrong for me to want to move on to something I like now?


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

T&T said:


> Revenue is total gross sales. The $40,000 was profit?
> 
> Or, I could tank...There's no "sure thing" when it comes to being in business for yourself.
> 
> How many hours a week does HE work?


He works a little more than me, but not drastically more. He loves what he does.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> He works a little more than me, but not drastically more. He loves what he does.


So, he's working 50+ hours a week and you're working 50+ hours a week with the business, or does that include your work at home?

What is the total revenue annually? 

I'm trying to get a handle on whether you'd be better off working outside the business.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell him your looking to find a job in your field which pay substantially more and you would like his support. but if he choices not to support your decision your still going to do. 

then start looking and be selective to a point. it has to pay more than your making now and have benefits. 

good luck.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hannah, you should not accept to be called names by your husband, or insulted in any way. I would recommend divorce, but maybe you could raise his awareness of his disrespect by some other techniques. 

If it is a two person operation, then the company policy is just his own personal dictate, right?

Hannah, you sound like a slave. He tells potential employers you are no longer interested in working for them? That is so wrong.

I hope EleGirl will be on soon to talk to you. Your husband sounds abusive. He is the one who sounds immature. I am so glad you do not have children with him.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

T&T said:


> So, he's working 50+ hours a week and you're working 50+ hours a week with the business, or does that include your work at home?
> 
> What is the total revenue annually?
> 
> I'm trying to get a handle on whether you'd be better off working outside the business.


Our total revenue last year was like $120K.

We are an e-commerce business so we buy inventory then resell it.

The 50+ hours just includes my work at the business. I don't include my work at home because I don't mind cleaning so much and I enjoy cooking so that is one way I relax. It wouldn't be fair to include something I like as "work."


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He may enjoy what he does, but for 40k a year at 100 hours a week, is it a hobby or a business?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He may enjoy what he does, but for 40k a year at 100 hours a week, is it a hobby or a business?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, it usually takes a business 3 years to turn a profit. I do the taxes and I can see a huge growth already in the first quarter compared to last year. Sometimes it does take time to get going. And I do believe we will be working fewer hours in the coming weeks as well. I got 2 days off this weekend for the first time in forever!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Any university will gladly sell you a useless degree. Your waitress friend with the four year journalism degree would be making over twice her salary with a two year nursing degree. Plumbers, electricians, heavy equipment operators, diesel mechanics, earn circles around most graduates with four year Liberal Arts degrees. 
Your pick of a major greatly impacts your future earnings (as you obviously demonstrate). In your original post, you said your husband didn't want you to find another job unless it paid over $10 an hour. That's quite a different situation than saying he won't let you find another job. If you could get a job tomorrow in your area that paid $80K, you seriously believe he would object or that you would care if he objected?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Well, maybe I can suggest hanging on for one more year, and if the business (income) grows then maybe he can afford to bring someone else in. And you can pursue something you would find more fulfilling.

Business issues aside, disrespect should not be tolerated. From either spouse.

Good luck Hannah!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

Helengreene said:


> On the one hand, you describe him as a tyrant who sabotages you and seems to want to enslave you at his company, and on the other hand you say that you appreciate him and give him back rubs. It doesn't add up.


Yes, it's complicated and I know that it sounds crazy and unbelievable. I love him, he's my husband. But that doesn't mean he always treats me right and vice-versa. He is a tyrant about the business, but loving when we are at home which makes me want to be loving toward him. I don't give him back rubs at the office. 

We don't work well together. I think we would have a much better marriage if we each had separate jobs but he doesn't agree and says he needs me.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> Well, it usually takes a business 3 years to turn a profit.


Agreed. 



hannah77 said:


> I do the taxes and I can see a huge growth already in the first quarter compared to last year.


Based on the fact that you're making a 30% profit in your second year of business and you're seeing a huge growth in the first quarter of the third, I'd suggest sticking it out for another year or two. Based on those numbers, your husband should be able to afford part time help within a year or so. 

Don't 100% walk away from it though. I would continue to do the financials at home, so you know what EXACTLY is going on with the business.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

hannah77 said:


> And yes, when my husband says "if you apply for other jobs I will ruin it." and has gone into my email account and sent emails to employers saying "sorry I applied for this by accident please delete my application" it's safe to say I can't apply for other jobs.


What????!!!! No. Just NO. She's his hostage! This right here cancels out everything else at issue.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Any university will gladly sell you a useless degree. Your waitress friend with the four year journalism degree would be making over twice her salary with a two year nursing degree. Plumbers, electricians, heavy equipment operators, diesel mechanics, earn circles around most graduates with four year Liberal Arts degrees.
> Your pick of a major greatly impacts your future earnings (as you obviously demonstrate). In your original post, you said your husband didn't want you to find another job unless it paid over $10 an hour. That's quite a different situation than saying he won't let you find another job. If you could get a job tomorrow in your area that paid $80K, you seriously believe he would object or that you would care if he objected?


She eventually found a job that paid in the 40s. Last I heard she got a raise above that. I've lost touch with her since then. A 2 year nursing degree does not pay more than that. You have to look at LIFETIME earnings, not just short term in a bad economy. She persisted and eventually she got to a place where she was making a good wage and was doing something she liked. Win-win for her.

I'm not knocking 2 year degrees or trades. There are a lot of important jobs that require that type of education. 

Through this business I have stumbled on a talent that I could have studied in a trade school and I would probably have a job that paid $12-$15/hour. Besides being the "secretary" I fix computers, specifically Apple brand. But the salary for that type of job isn't very high UNLESS you get more education, like in IT or computer science.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> You have a job - one in which you're needed and would require a replacement if you were to leave. Therefore, you are contributing financially.
> 
> Establish some boundaries with your employer. No insults (stupid?) or other behavior that would not fly in any other employer-employee relationship. Cut your hours to 5 days a week & look to volunteer in a field that has a potential to lead to paid work.
> 
> And, yes, your husband is a tool and an a$$. Give him notice that if he doesn't clean up his act, you're firing him.


:iagree: This.....

You have power in your relationship and job that you do not realize.

Your husband needs you or apparently his business will not survive. So tell him to back off on the insults, etc.

One of the things that happens often in a family business is what is happening to you. You are contributing to the business but you get zero credit and zero income of your own. Often times women who do this look at it as they have nothing. But you do.

Write up a resume and put your job on it. How long have you been working for your husband? That is how many years of work experience you have. What are the tasks you do? What are your responsibilities?

I agree with the idea of you cutting down your working hours to 5 days a week. 

I agree with you looking for a volunteer opportunity. This will get you out of the house and away from your job.

Look at the site Find your people - Meetup Find things going on in your area and go to them alone if your husband will not go with you. Use some of the time you used to spend on the blog to go out and do things, meet people. Make friends... female friends.

That gift certificate your MIL gave you, tell your husband that if he will not use it to take you out, you will use it. And take a friend out. If he won't let you use it, then just go out anyway.

Read the book "Divorce Busting". It has ideas in it that you can use to change things for the better in your marriage. 

As you get out with people, make friends and get a full life you will grow in confidence. Hopefully your depression will go away. 

Have that resume up to date all the time and start job hunting. Go to as many interviews as you can. Who cares if you blow some at first... it's practice. Also remember that while you are being judged during an interview, you are judging them too. You also need to be interviewing them. You need to have a list of questions you are asking to find out what their culture is like, if their work conditions and demands of their employees is something that you will accept.

The major problem I see is that you see yourself as weak and others (your husband & potential employers) as having all the power. Well that is not exactly so. 

Your husband needs you in his business. He is dependent of you... can he do the same number of sales and do all the work you do? Most likely not. And he does not generate enough income to hire someone. So he needs you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

^voice of reason here finally. Thanks for popping in.

Final word from me- (probably not) anyone who breaks into a spouse's email and messages potential employers sabatoging job opportunities is not a "good man" or "great husband" that is beyond controlling and should NOT be tolerated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> where did he call her stupid?
> 
> he called her blog stupid not her.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how you read the OP and completely missed the many times he calls her stupid.. and even "b!tch".



hannah77 said:


> However, we don't work well together. We get frustrated with each other a lot, but where my frustration usually just turns into tears and me wanting to be alone, his frustration turns into him calling me names. His favorite name for me is "stupid" or "b!tch." (or a combination of the 2).
> 
> Every time I make a mistake I'm called stupid. I'm told how stupid I am at least 3 times every week. Even small things that can easily fixed cause him to blow up.


Then there is this lovely one where he likens his wife to a prostitute because she wants to go out to dinner with him.




hannah77 said:


> I also feel like he ignores my needs outside of work. I enjoy going out and socializing with others. It could be anywhere - dinner, a play, an art museum, or just for a walk. He never wants to leave the house unless it is to go to the office to work. We recently received as a Christmas gift from his mother a gift card to a nice restaurant. He refuses to take me. When I say I have needs, he says "what are you, aprostitute? If I take you out to dinner we can have sex?" Why is it so wrong for me to want to do things other than work for him? He does not like going out, I get it. But isn't marriage about compromise, and doing things you don't want to do sometimes to make the other person happy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hannah77 said:


> No, to clarify he calls both me and the blog stupid. If I make a mistake at work, I'm told I'm stupid. Or if I think he's handling something wrong with a customer and I express my opinion, I'm stupid and "an immature kid who doesn't know how the world works." It's usually just when he's stressed.
> 
> And yes, when my husband says "if you apply for other jobs I will ruin it." and has gone into my email account and sent emails to employers saying "sorry I applied for this by accident please delete my application" it's safe to say I can't apply for other jobs.
> 
> He did not do this 3 years ago when I was applying for work. That failure was all my fault, not his. But now that I work for him he says I need to just stick with it unless I can make $50,000 per year (up from $10/hour it was last month) or more. And with only secretarial experience, that isn't going to happen. I'm stuck until his business becomes so successful that he can hire whoever he wants.


Him interfering with your job hunt is completely unacceptable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Helengreene said:


> You did all the household chores when you weren't working? I should hope so. You say it like it's some kind of injustice.


AT this point it is pretty clear that you are just have it out for the OP.

She did not say that she did the household chores when she was working as thought it was an injustice. She said it to explain that she willingly did it because she understands that she needs to contribute.





Helengreene said:


> As for doing something you enjoy, some women don't have the luxury of a husband who is willing to support a wife. You do. Do you exist solely to enjoy yourself? What are you, a cat? What about him? Do you appreciate everything he's done for you? Pull your socks up.


She does not have a husband who is willing to support her. SHE IS WORKING 6 DAYS A WEEK. SHE IS BRINING IN INCOME. Just because a man does not pay his wife, who works at his business, does not mean that she is not working and brining in an income.

The fact is that the husband depends on her financially just as much as she depends on her. He could not bring in much income to the household if he had to hire someone else to replace her. 

Your attack attitude here is beyond the pale.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the guy is hacking into her email or sabotaging her job search prospects, he's as wrong as two left shoes and beyond redemption. Love doesn't exist without trust.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

Helengreene said:


> Yes, of course i'm attacking her. She is a child. She whines about a husband who has given her a job, given up his own health insurance so she can have hers, he buys her nice things, and he puts food on the table.
> 
> Don't tell me, next you'll be telling her to divorce him and take half his stuff. You, know, because she deserves it or something.


So the work I do doesn't put food on the table or help pay for the nice things HE has (like a new $300 laptop computer)? Or the nice Christmas gifts we bought for his family that went on the credit card that is in MY name only?

So you're saying the work I do has no value, monetarily or otherwise? Technically, he didn't give me a job. WE gave me a job because the business exists because of the TWO of us. It might be in HIS name, but it wouldn't exist without the work I do because one person could not run it alone. 

All I'm saying is I want to move on to other things. I want to work, I want to contribute, I want to bring in income and use it to pay for half or more of the bills. I just want it to be doing something that I at least somewhat like. Why should I have to do what HE wants me to do??? Just because we are married does not mean I am not an individual capable or deserving of making her own life choices.

I wasn't going to say this but now I feel I have to: Our work is also paying off HIS personal debt he brought into the marriage. I brought no debt into the marriage. He made a lot of stupid choices in his early and mid 20s and racked up a lot of credit card debt, which this business (which includes the work I do) is paying off. That's part of the reason why we live so frugally. We make payments on his debt every month that eats into money we could use to enjoy ourselves.

And he never had health insurance even before we met. 

Honestly, it seems like you aren't even reading my posts or you have some sort of weird bias. I'm just going to stop reading your comments. Thanks for your opinion though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Part of the reason we get married is so we can be better people than we'd be alone.
> 
> Fact: You are unhappy in your present job that pays only $10 an hour and you consider it menial work.


Most $10 an hour jobs are menial work. That is a fact. There is nothing wrong with her making a statement of fact.
Plus she does not get paid $10 an hour. He husband does not pay her anything directly.


unbelievable said:


> Fact: Your blog pays far less than that.


The blog is her hobby. Surely she is entitled to have a hobby??? Or does she not deserve a hobby unless her husband gives his stamp of approval?


unbelievable said:


> Fact: You are in your late twenties.


Ok… what is the relevance of her age?


unbelievable said:


> Fact: You have a college degree that probably costs at least $60K.


Her husband did not pay for her degree.


unbelievable said:


> Fact: You are married and your financial choices impact your husband's life.


Her husband is making all the financial choices. He does not allow her to job hunt.


hannah77 said:


> And yes, when my husband says "if you apply for other jobs I will ruin it." and has gone into my email account and sent emails to employers saying "sorry I applied for this by accident please delete my application" it's safe to say I can't apply for other jobs.





unbelievable said:


> You may not wish to hear the truth but the truth is you are way underemployed and you are not shouldering a fair share of the family's economic burden not does it appear you are really trying to. Even if every fiber of my being found fulfillment in a $10 an hour job, I couldn't work it because it wouldn't support my family. When we get married, we quit doing what we want and we do what contributes most to the success of the family and the relationship. Single people without kids have the luxury of doing what they want.


You need to be talking to her husband as he will not allow her to job hunt.


unbelievable said:


> I would disagree with your husband that adults start their own businesses. A few adults do and far fewer succeed at it. That's his bag of cookies and for the time being, he may be succeeding at it. That doesn't mean it's right for you and it doesn't mean his business won't fold six months from now.


Apparently his business will fold if she does not work for him since he cannot afford to hire a replacement for her. This is why he prevents her from job hunting.


unbelievable said:


> You are responsible for where you are and you are responsible for getting somewhere better. If you can't get a decent job with your degree you either picked the wrong degree or you moved to the wrong location. People are hiring in your area. If they aren't hiring you, it's because you don't have the skill sets they need. Figure out what those skill sets are and get them.


Her husband clearly shares responsibility for her being stuck working for someone who constantly calls her a “stupid b!tch” and even likens her to a prostitute.


hannah77 said:


> And yes, when my husband says "if you apply for other jobs I will ruin it." and has gone into my email account and sent emails to employers saying "sorry I applied for this by accident please delete my application" it's safe to say I can't apply for other jobs.





unbelievable said:


> A good husband isn't necessarily the one that would encourage you to wallow in failure. They would encourage and inspire you to be your best. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you were pulling down over $50K, had promotion potential, had a string of successes you could look back on? Why would a husband not want his wife to be happy and feel great about herself?


That’s right . A good husband would encourage her to go find a job where she can make enough money to contribute and where she would not have to work for a boss who calls her names and yells at her.

But her husband is failing at that as he is sabotaging her job hunting.


unbelievable said:


> He talked to you kinda tough and in a trusting relationship, partners should be able to speak honestly. At one time or another, we all need a kick in the drawers. People who really care about us aren't afraid to deliver it.


This is not a trusting relationship. Is calling her a “stupid b!tch” almost daily a “kick in the drawers”? Is likening her to a prostitute because she wants to go out with him and do things that are fun a “kick in the drawers”?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> Yes, of course i'm attacking her.


You'll do well here. 

Nice knowing ya!


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

lenzi said:


> You'll do well here.
> 
> Nice knowing ya!


This made me laugh.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She does not have a husband who is willing to support her. SHE IS WORKING 6 DAYS A WEEK. SHE IS BRINING IN INCOME. Just because a man does not pay his wife, who works at his business, does not mean that she is not working and brining in an income.
> 
> The fact is that the husband depends on her financially just as much as she depends on her. He could not bring in much income to the household if he had to hire someone else to replace her.


^^^THIS!

You earned half of that profit by working inside YOUR business. It's not just his it's YOURS too.

Don't put up with an abusive employer/husband! You have WAY more power than you think and let him know it. He can't replace you. You understand this, right? 

My wife helped me out when I got started. But, the deal was, when the business was on it's feet and we had a decent income, I would finance hers dreams and DID just that.

It wouldn't matter if she wanted to be a circus clown...It's not my dream, it was hers...

Marriage is a two way street, he needs to "get" this asap.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Helengreene said:


> If you want a better job, go get one.


Do you have selective reading skills? *SHE CAN'T GET A JOB. HER DILLHOLE OF A HUSBAND HACKS INTO HER EMAIL WHEN SHE TRIES TO DO AS YOU SUGGEST.*

For some reason unbeknownst to probably the rest of us, you have a huge hard-on for bashing the OP. Are you her H posting here?


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

T&T said:


> ^^^THIS!
> 
> You earned half of that profit by working inside YOUR business. It's not just his it's YOURS too.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this. I make jewelry as ahobby, and sell a few of the pieces I make online. It is not an income source or intended to be one. It's a stress reliever for me. But he is obsessed with the idea of starting businesses. Everything has to be a business that makes money or it's not worth doing. So I'm always discouraged from doing hobbies because "adults don't have hobbies, they have businesses." It's not like he tells me I can't do it or does anything to stop me but he's always looking down on it.

I wasn't aware adults don't have hobbies. Granted the only adults I know besides him are my parents but that doesn't sound right to me.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP, forgive me if I missed this. But how old is your H? He sounds quite a bit older than you. He sounds like he could be your father, not your partner.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You're letting your husband control you. 

It's time to break away from his oppression and do your own thing.

Try not to care so much whether or not he approves of your actions, you aren't living just to please him.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> OP, forgive me if I missed this. But how old is your H? He sounds quite a bit older than you. He sounds like he could be your father, not your partner.


6 years older than me.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Are we 100% sure the web hosting service deleted the blog? And not your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Are we 100% sure the web hosting service deleted the blog? And not your husband?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yes. The blog wasn't deleted, just the social media account. And I'm 100% sure he had nothing to do with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Helengreene said:


> Yes, of course i'm attacking her. She is a child. She whines about a husband who has given her a job, given up his own health insurance so she can have hers, he buys her nice things, and he puts food on the table. .


On this forum, we do not attack people who come here for help.

We do not call them names. It is against the forum rules to call people names. "She is a child" is calling her names.

There are two sides to every coin. Sure her husband gave hannah77. And she is doing work for him that is helping grow the business. He could not have as much success in his business without what she does. 

Plus, by law it's not "HIS" business. It is "THEIR" business. She is 50% owner regardless of whose name is on it. Yet he treats her like dirt at work. She is his partner in this business.

You might be ok with a person calling their employee a "stupid b!tch". Most people are not. 

He is not providing her health insurance. She works for it. It's part of her pay. Since she is working, she should get paid for it right? Or is she an unpaid slave?



Helengreene said:


> Don't tell me, next you'll be telling her to divorce him and take half his stuff. You, know, because she deserves it or something.


IT's not 'his stuff'. They are both working in the business. How do you ignore the fact that she is contributing to the success of THEIR business?

Plus... this man who you think walks on water... will not allow her to find another job. He is holding her hostage. He also talks to his wife and partner/employee in a manner that is completely unacceptable. 

Is this how you talk to people like your spouse and those you work with?


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> Thanks for this. I make jewelry as ahobby, and sell a few of the pieces I make online. It is not an income source or intended to be one. It's a stress reliever for me. But he is obsessed with the idea of starting businesses. Everything has to be a business that makes money or it's not worth doing. So I'm always discouraged from doing hobbies because "adults don't have hobbies, they have businesses." It's not like he tells me I can't do it or does anything to stop me but he's always looking down on it.
> 
> I wasn't aware adults don't have hobbies. Granted the only adults I know besides him are my parents but that doesn't sound right to me.


Your welcome!

Well, I can tell you right now, if he has zero interests other than his business, he's headed for a nervous breakdown! He'd better address it...I have lots of different hobbies and distractions. You HAVE to get away from it or live a miserable existence.

People is high stress positions need distractions from the stress. I have several business's so have a little bit of experience being very aware of stress reduction  :rofl:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Helengreene said:


> I don't buy it. She's lying. She could have said that right at the beginning, but she didn't. If she had said it, I for one would be agreeing with you. But she didn't say any of that. She's making this up as she goes along. She's probably taking little things here and there and convincing herself that it was worse than it really was. I don't buy her story. This woman is determined to paint a picture of her husband that makes her seem like the poor little downtrodden wife. One minute her husband is trapping her in that job, next minute she's talking about giving him backrubs. I call bull****. And every time I remind her of everything he has done for her, she avoids the issue by going on about herself. Bull**** from start to finish.


You have no idea if she is lying, but apparently you have a hard on for her. If you think she is lying, move on. there are dozens of threads for you to peruse on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> Good idea. He goes his way, and takes his money making businesses with him, and she goes her way.


Please don't agree with me.

I sure don't agree with you.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> Good idea. He goes his way, and takes his money making businesses with him, and she goes her way.


I don't know why you can't comprehend this...It's BOTH of their business's not just HIS. It's *half his* property and *half hers*

What Country do you live in?

I have several and 50% belong to my W and she has nothing to do with them anymore...

SIMPLES...


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> On this forum, we do not attack people who come here for help.
> 
> We do not call them names. It is against the forum rules to call people names. "She is a child" is calling her names.
> 
> ...


Thank you Elegirl and others. I am ignoring "helengreene" because I believe she (I think it is a she) isn't reading the posts or thinking through things clearly. 

It may be his business, but if I work hard there then I don't understand how she sees me as not contributing or as him taking care of me. Women (or men) who stay home to take care of the house and children are also contributing. Sometimes you can't put an exact dollar amount on the work you do, but that does not mean you aren't pulling your weight.


I accidentally started reading the post that said something about me wanting to sit at home and make jewelry all day and "kum bay ya" or something like that. Clearly she did not read that I said "this is not an income source or meant to be. It is a hobby done for stress relief." Maybe I should have clarified that it is a hobby I spend 2-3 hours per month TOPS on. 

Are people not allowed to have hobbies? When it is time to go to work, I work. But I don't want my life to be 100% work, especially on something I hate. Why is this wrong? I'm actually going into the office on my own volition in an hour or two to get a head start on the week. I have a good work ethic, even my husband says so. I just want to be working on things I enjoy. Everyone should at least TRY to make that happen. 

Perhaps she had a spouse that didn't contribute and left her with all the bills and is letting personal experience color her opinions. Either way, I'm done reading her comments as I do not think insults that aren't even true are helpful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hannah77 said:


> Oh yes. The blog wasn't deleted, just the social media account. And I'm 100% sure he had nothing to do with it.


continue your blog.

Do you have the social media names of all or most of your followers? Send them notices of where to find you on other social media.

Plus... you seem to enjoy blogging and social media. I think it might be a really good idea for you to pursue that as a way to generate income.

Take a look at hootsuite and "hootsuite university". You can become a consultant and/or someone who manages the social media for companies. Hootsuite is a tool used to manage social media compaigns. You can load up weeks, months of social media posts, set the timeing for each to be published and which social media sites they are published on. This allows a person to manage man social media campaigns for many companies.

Get your blog engeretign income again. Use that income to pay for your hootsuite university and accounts. Then start going to town doing PR for your blog. 

I don't know what the business with your husband does, but start doing social media for that too. There are tons of videos on youtube that will give you great ideas on who to use social medial to grow a business.

Once you have your blog and your business's social media going then you can start looking for more clients as you will have a track record to show them what you can do.

Have you looked into to how to make money on your blog? Do as much learning as you can on that.

You could also have a blog for your business with your husband. That should be part of the social media campaign for that business.

Then open a business in your own name that does the social media, blogging, etc for clients you find. The business with your husband will be one of your clients.

I think that you just need something that is yours that gets you excited. The blog and social media got you excited to follow that tread.

If you do the above, as you start to bring in money with your social media and blogging, you can start paying a part time person to off load the stuff that the business with your husband that you do not like to do.

I hope that above rant was helpful to you... I know people who are doing exactly the above and doing very well with it. 

and then you will have started your own business.. go figure


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> You know I'd love to earn an income from someone else's business after a divorce. Oh well, nice "work" if you can get it.


IF anything should happen to our marriage, and that's highly unlikely at this point in time, I would be glad to share it with her!

After all, she is the mother of my children and all that...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Helengreene said:


> You know I'd love to earn an income from someone else's business after a divorce. Oh well, nice "work" if you can get it.


You need to read marriage law. When he and she signed their marriage certificate there are laws that apply. That is what they BOTH agreed to.

IF she starts a business, he will own 50% of that. It is not a one way street. 

Geez


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> Here's the truth...
> 
> You want to divorce your husband, and you want to take 50% (or as much as you can get) of his income from his business.
> 
> ...


Oh that's it! She planned a conspiracy right form the beginning! :lol::rofl:


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> Yes that's right.


Uh huh, move along...You're not being helpful to the OP here...


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> continue your blog.
> 
> Do you have the social media names of all or most of your followers? Send them notices of where to find you on other social media.
> 
> ...


It's funny you said that because this is actually the plan! But it's so hard when I have a million things to do. There just aren't enough hours in the day. This is not my husband's fault, it's just if X, Y, and Z need to get done social media, blogging, etc get put on the back burner. 

We sell computers and now that I know a lot about how to fix and set them up, I thought I could do repair videos on YouTube. But H doesn't want me to because I'm a woman in a male dominated field and he is afraid that I will get some crazy stalker or something. I kind of see his point on that one. 

I did work for one year for a non profit doing marketing as a volunteer and I enjoyed it very much. I've also been studying in my own time web programming, graphic design, and just general business. Hopefully I'll be able to do more in the future.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hannah77 said:


> A former friend with the exact same degree from the exact same college found a job but I just never could.


First, your H was an ass for saying what he said the way he said it. But I understand why he was so frustrated. You have UNDER-performed and I suspect he expected his college-degreed wife to be pulling her weight in his marriage. Instead, he had to 'give' you a job since you wouldn't get off your butt and GET one. 

You're a special snowflake. I get it. But you're an adult now and you have adult responsibilities.

You 'just never could'? Not buying it. Either you weren't really looking (after all, you had a man and his job to support you, right?), or you have some 'glitch' in your personality that turns people off when you interview, or you weren't willing to settle for just any job. But guess what? Liberal arts degree means you don't get to be picky. 

You now have secretarial experience. Fix your resume, highlight your secretarial skills and your diploma and start spending all that time you put into your blog (and away from your husband) into applying for jobs. LOTS of jobs. I just got laid off and I'm applying for every single job I have qualifications for - 10, 20 a day. Every day. What are YOU doing to change your situation?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> First, your H was an ass for saying what he said the way he said it. But I understand why he was so frustrated. You have UNDER-performed and I suspect he expected his college-degreed wife to be pulling her weight in his marriage. Instead, he had to 'give' you a job since you wouldn't get off your butt and GET one.
> 
> You're a special snowflake. I get it. But you're an adult now and you have adult responsibilities.
> 
> ...


She's also been applying for jobs, though husband then logs into her email account and messages the prospective employer that she is no longer interested in the position.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

hannah77 said:


> We sell computers and now that I know a lot about how to fix and set them up, I thought I could do repair videos on YouTube. But H doesn't want me to because I'm a woman in a male dominated field and he is afraid that I will get some crazy stalker or something. I kind of see his point on that one.
> 
> I did work for one year for a non profit doing just this as a volunteer and I enjoyed it very much. I've also been studying in my own time web programming, graphic design, and just general business. Hopefully I'll be able to do more in the future.


I actually think this would be a great idea. Use your social media and programming knowledge to help the business. Win/win. You could make and run the business website, do videos, training, advertising. Being a male dominated field just tells me there is a place and need for women representing it. I don't think the risk of stalkers is anymore than the blog would be and it could help you feel more challenged and useful.

Opps, shouldn't have skimmed posts. I agree with Ele


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She's also been applying for jobs, though husband then logs into her email account and messages the prospective employer that she is no longer interested in the position.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So? Start another account he can't get into.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> So? Start another account he can't get into.


Come on that's not the issue here. " So?" I'm surprised at that response from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Helengreene said:


> This is for the benefit of lurkers who may have bought her story.


Fishing for lurker 'likes'?

Steady, Helen. That looks dangerously like one of those hobby things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Helengreene said:


> It's ok. When the divorce is done she'll have all the time in the world to make jewellery. Meanwhile, her ex husband will continue working on his, ooops, I mean "their" business. She'll be a sleeping partner, I'm sure.


I don't think hannah is a golddigger by any means. She's being verbally abused and manipulated so that he gets what he wants. BTDT - I'm married to a guy 5 years older, I know how it works.

But she's here asking for advice. My advice is to grow up, start being responsible for her life, GET a better job whether he wants it or not - he is NOT her father, NOT her boss, and she works there by her own volition. 

If she really wanted to change things, she could. But she's gonna have to go about it like a grownup. Making jewelry and thinking she'll make a career at it, or even just fixing Apples, is immature, snowflake thinking. Saying "I tried, it just didn't work out" is immature, snowflake thinking.

She can't afford immature thinking any more.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> First, your H was an ass for saying what he said the way he said it. But I understand why he was so frustrated. You have UNDER-performed and I suspect he expected his college-degreed wife to be pulling her weight in his marriage. Instead, he had to 'give' you a job since you wouldn't get off your butt and GET one.
> 
> You're a special snowflake. I get it. But you're an adult now and you have adult responsibilities.
> 
> ...


Sorry, you didn't read the posts. I worked the whole time and volunteered as well to build my skills. I never just sat around. I worked temp jobs so I did have a job, it just wasn't a "forever" job. I also gave money I inherited to his business.

He didn't give me anything. The business may be in his name and been his idea, but I have worked extremely hard. He was making a small amount before I got involved and hadn't been running the business for that long. 

And no, I'm not saying that I made all the difference and I'm some sort of hero. It's just that it's a 2+ person job. He needed another person to get it up and running on another level. And that person has been me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hannah77 said:


> Sorry, you didn't read the posts. I worked the whole time and volunteered as well to build my skills. I never just sat around. I worked temp jobs so I did have a job, it just wasn't a "forever" job. I also gave money I inherited to his business.
> 
> He didn't give me anything. The business may be in his name and been his idea, but I have worked extremely hard. He was making a small amount before I got involved and hadn't been running the business for that long.
> 
> And no, I'm not saying that I made all the difference and I'm some sort of hero. It's just that it's a 2+ person job. He needed another person to get it up and running on another level. And that person has been me.


Go back and reread. I never said you sat around and didn't work. I said you didn't try to get a real job. "It just didn't work out" is a copout and usually indicates a copout attitude. At this stage you need a new attitude. You need to get away from his manipulation and start standing up for yourself and searching for a job that will give you independence.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The business that can't even afford a secretary?


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Go back and reread. I never said you sat around and didn't work.


You said this: "Instead, he had to 'give' you a job since you wouldn't get off your butt and GET one. "

I had a job at the time that was full time,. It might not have been a glamorous job that paid a lot, but it was work. In addition I was volunteering at a non profit to try to build my skills and make connections. I was also applying for other jobs as well.

It just wasn't a permanent solution. Which is why I started working with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Helengreene said:


> Yeah yeah, don't worry, it will all work out fine in the end. She'll take half his assets and then she can make all the jewellery she wants.
> 
> It's just a matter of time, isn't that right, Hannah? Do you feel sufficiently justified yet, or do you need a little more pushing? That's the real reason you're here, isn't it?
> 
> By the way, it's his business. She doesn't even want to work there. She hates it. But I'm sure she'll be happy to capitalize from it all the same.


:rofl::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol:


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hannah,

At the end of the day, the business you and your husband are running is the only thing keeping your collective heads above the water. You *own*, yes, you *OWN* half the responsibility to ensure this business stays functional, just like if you were to divorce, you'd be considered an equal owner of it by law.

I see justification in your husband feeling 'betrayed' if you were to abandon the business just as it has started to pick up. I also see justification in you feeling 'trapped'. The bottom line is, a business is indeed a trap. Often a lifetime trap. Jobs are no different. They're traps too. You're a hostage to those paychecks no matter where you work. The good thing about jobs is, you're not necessarily married to the success of the entire business. 

With regards to how your husband treats you, I really have a hard time believing the entire thing is such a one-sided story. I too see signs of you bringing up random negative stuff as you post along. Your husband's side of the story would be of much interest to me. I have a feeling the conversations between you two are at a very toxic level and he's on the receiving end of some abuse just like you are.

I think prior to altering your career path (or starting one from scratch), you should think about ways to improve your marriage. The level of respect between you two seems to have plummeted to a very low level. That's not going to get better by you finding another job. 

I still maintain that you cannot consider yourself 'separate' from the business. Your husband is just as trapped as you are. If the business was not the only source of income for your family, I would say you should both abandon it right away, but that clearly can't be done. It's a choice you both have made in life and it's important to see things thorough with that choice.

I get the feeling your husband would like you to take ownership of the business in your mind and truly treat it like a fruit of your relationship with him. He's justified in 'wanting' that. You're his wife. The business is much like a child you two have created and need to raise. I don't think you feel that way about the business, but you probably should.

I also think you need to have a better appreciation for money. Money deserves respect in this day and age. It's very hard to earn.

Both you and your husband need to stop treating each other so badly. Since you're already here, I'd say you should take the first step and make a change in your attitude/behavior. If he was here, I'd tell him the same thing.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Helengreene said:


> You see, *IF* she divorces him, she'll still be joint owner of the business.


Fixed for ya and am glad to see that you now comprehend divorce law/joint business ownership...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

T&T said:


> Oh that's it! She planned a conspiracy right form the beginning! :lol::rofl:


Yep, she planned this great conspiracy when she married a man who had was starting a business that made next to nothing. And in order for the business to make money... she has to work for it for free and get called names like "stupid b!tch".

Most businesses fail in the first 2 years. So clearly if that was her plan, it was a pretty stupid plan.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hannah77 said:


> You said this: "Instead, he had to 'give' you a job since you wouldn't get off your butt and GET one. "
> 
> I had a job at the time that was full time,. It might not have been a glamorous job that paid a lot, but it was work. In addition I was volunteering at a non profit to try to build my skills and make connections. I was also applying for other jobs as well.
> 
> It just wasn't a permanent solution. Which is why I started working with him.


Sorry, but that's not the same as getting a job worthy of your degree. Either he tricked you into quitting a good job and working for him or your job wasn't worth keeping. And your excuse for that was, what was it...others could find work, I 'just couldn't.' 

That's a copout. If you'd wanted a better job, you would have kept looking for it. You didn't.

ETA: You said


> I never got a career going. I have a college degree but I could never get hired anywhere except temp jobs that weren't fulfilling.
> I have a liberal arts degree, but so do many people I know who all have decent or good jobs so I don't know if the degree is the problem. A former friend with the exact same degree from the exact same college found a job but I just never could.


 I get that it was the height of the recession. But you make it sound like this is all his fault. It's not.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, she planned this great conspiracy when she married a man who had was starting a business that made next to nothing.
> 
> Most businesses fail in the first 2 years. So clearly if that was her plan, it was a pretty stupid plan.


Hey, someone else who's see the obvious! 

That would be my plan too if I was a female gold digger lol


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Sorry, but that's not the same as getting a job worthy of your degree. Either he tricked you into quitting a good job and working for him or your job wasn't worth keeping. And your excuse for that was, what was it...others could find work, I 'just couldn't.'
> 
> That's a copout. If you'd wanted a better job, you would have kept looking for it. You didn't.


He said "I need help, It's just temporary." I don't consider 2 years with no end in sight "temporary."


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> He said "I need help, It's just temporary." I don't consider 2 years with no end in sight "temporary."


Are you willing to serve two more? I see it as necessary at this point in time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hannah77 said:


> He said "I need help, It's just temporary." I don't consider 2 years with no end in sight "temporary."


 It takes 2 to 5 years to get any business off the ground.

Semantics aside (and you DID say not to worry about hurting your feelings...), the other issue here is that you say you have no life. Who's fault is that? TAKE time off and GET a life. Take a class and make friends. Call up old friends and meet them for lunch. Do something to get your life back. That part isn't his fault.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Helengreene said:


> Au contraire. I think she'll be able to make a nice living from her jewellery. Well, kind of. You see, when she divorces him, she'll still be joint owner of the business.


Well, she should be joint owner considering she invested her inheritance in the business.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My opinion is that your husband is abusive. Any man that calls his wife names he has called you is abusive. My husband in 33 years of dating and marriage has not once called me a derogatory name. Abusive men also isolate the women too, (he doesn't support your hobby). By sabotaging your job hunt he is trying to keep you under his thumb.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

Here is my plan I have formed after reading the helpful responses and ignoring the unhelpful ones:

1)I am going to write up a policy and make him sign it. No name calling at work, and he only talks to me with respect. I am going to take an hour of "vacation" time for every time I am called stupid. I don't think I should have to tolerate that and I know he wouldn't do it to other people. When his father, who does some "volunteer" work makes a mistake, H never calls him names. So why is it ok to call me names?

In turn, I will keep my negativity and unhappiness to myself and work on changing my attitude internally as well. I will work on finding positive things about the business and focus on that.

2)This can't go on forever and needs a concrete end date. He said it was temporary and he needs to honor that. It is not fair that just because we are married I need to also be married to his dreams and goals and completely ignore my own. This DOES NOT mean I can go home and do hobbies all day or sit around. I need to work full time and bring in as much income as possible and continue working toward being the best I can be professionally.

3)Work stays at work. When we are not working, we need to be working on our relationship. I don't want to hear about customers when I'm trying to eat dinner and relax at home. I also believe we need to do more together, whether that is in the home or outside of it.

4)He needs to respect my hobbies and interests and not discourage me from pursuing things I want to pursue in my own free time. In turn, I need to respect his business and do my absolute best every time I'm at work. 

5) IF there is a divorce, he can have the business and the money from it. I have no interest in collecting money from work I don't do because I wouldn't be working there if we were divorced. I also have no interest in taking half his business if it comes to divorce - I wouldn't even want it. I wouldn't want to be connected to him any longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hannah77 said:


> It's funny you said that because this is actually the plan! But it's so hard when I have a million things to do. There just aren't enough hours in the day. This is not my husband's fault, it's just if X, Y, and Z need to get done social media, blogging, etc get put on the back burner.


You said that the business is now doing a lot better, $120K a year profit? Ok then you can start hiring a low wage part time worker to do the menial work. Even if it’s 2-4 hours a week, that’s 2-4 hours. There are even services you can use. For example you can hire a book keeping service. Let them do that part of the work. You do the higher level like looking over the financial reports, and making sure that the data was entered correctly. If you use something like Quick books, there are services and individuals who specialize in just doing your data entry. AT the end of the fiscal year, the data feeds right into the tax forms. 

Actually using services is better because then you do not need to deal with things like employee taxes, etc.

If you had 2 hours a week to spend on your blog. Put that time towards the business social media.


hannah77 said:


> We sell computers and now that I know a lot about how to fix and set them up, I thought I could do repair videos on YouTube. But H doesn't want me to because I'm a woman in a male dominated field and he is afraid that I will get some crazy stalker or something. I kind of see his point on that one.


Ok, I get that he might feel protective. But this is silly. There are thousands, if not millions, of women who have blogs, put out youtube videos, etc. Most of them are never harassed. And there are ways to handle harassers and stalkers. 

You have skills, talent and great ideas. Use them. Do not back down and hide because some day, someone might do something terrible.

Well guess what, there are things like home invasions. Are you going to not live in your home out of fear? Are you not going to go to the store because someone might mug you? Nope, you live your life in a way that keeps you as safe as you can while you live it. BUT YOU LIVE IT!!!



hannah77 said:


> I did work for one year for a non profit doing marketing as a volunteer and I enjoyed it very much. I've also been studying in my own time web programming, graphic design, and just general business. Hopefully I'll be able to do more in the future.


There you go. You have found what you like to do. It inspires you. Not only that but it’s a field where you can make a LOT of money.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> He said "I need help, It's just temporary." I don't consider 2 years with no end in sight "temporary."


And you help him. Indefinitely. As long as you're married. That's marriage. What exactly are you complaining about here? 

Here's the deal:
You're saving your marriage around $30,000/year by working at YOUR OWN business. If you can find a job that pays more than that, great, find it, earn the money and hire someone for the business. If you can't, then find a way for the business to run without your presence. 

There really is no other choice here other than you running back to daddy's place and getting a divorce.



> It is not fair that just because we are married I need to also be married to his dreams and goals and completely ignore my own.


You HAD/HAVE no goals. He didn't make you give up your goals. You have no financial goals to begin with. It's completely fair for him to expect you to pull your own weight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hannah77 said:


> Here is my plan I have formed after reading the helpful responses and ignoring the unhelpful ones:
> 
> 1)I am going to write up a policy and make him sign it. No name calling at work, and he only talks to me with respect. I am going to take an hour of "vacation" time for every time I am called stupid. I don't think I should have to tolerate that and I know he wouldn't do it to other people. When his father, who does some "volunteer" work makes a mistake, H never calls him names. So why is it ok to call me names?
> 
> ...


I really agree that this is what you should be shooting for. However, I highly doubt 'signing' anything will change anything.

I put up with the same treatment, the same isolating of me, as you, for 30 years. Two ICs and one MC later, nothing had changed. Until my IC/MC told me this: he treats you this way because you allow it. Until you STOP allowing it, it will continue you. You have to have boundaries for safe and healthy treatment but also consequences that you enact when he steps over those boundaries. 

An example: You're working together, you do something he doesn't like and he calls you stupid. You IMMEDIATELY stop what you're doing, stand up, say "I won't be treated that way" and you walk out. You go somewhere - maybe a library to do a job search or to read up more about repairing Apple computers, or maybe to have lunch with a friend, and you come back in two hours. If he hasn't completed the work you left, you pick it up and finish the work.

NOTHING works better than giving him a direct consequence to the bad behavior. And this comes straight from my IC. You don't need him to sign a letter. You just need to tell him it's going to stop and that you WILL protect yourself, and then DO it.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> I really agree that this is what you should be shooting for. However, I highly doubt 'signing' anything will change anything.
> 
> I put up with the same treatment, the same isolating of me, as you, for 30 years. Two ICs and one MC later, nothing had changed. Until my IC/MC told me this: he treats you this way because you allow it. Until you STOP allowing it, it will continue you. You have to have boundaries for safe and healthy treatment but also consequences that you enact when he steps over those boundaries.
> 
> ...


Yes I agree. When I said "hour of vacation time" I meant immediately. I probably wouldn't go anywhere just because there is no where really to go around where we work but this is what I was thinking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and if you're doing computer fixing stuff as a business, go to your local community college or university and tell them you want to bring in an (unpaid) intern every semester. Most colleges require students to pull an unpaid internship before they can graduate. You can get free work to help the business.

And I agree at this point you should spend the time you were working on your blog on working on your company's marketing. Make it grow so much that you can easily afford another person or two.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hannah77 said:


> Here is my plan I have formed after reading the helpful responses and ignoring the unhelpful ones:


Remember that when you give him the plan, you need to be open to his input on it and update/modify it so that the two of you can come to a joint agreement.


hannah77 said:


> 1)I am going to write up a policy and make him sign it. No name calling at work, and he only talks to me with respect. I am going to take an hour of "vacation" time for every time I am called stupid. I don't think I should have to tolerate that and I know he wouldn't do it to other people. When his father, who does some "volunteer" work makes a mistake, H never calls him names. So why is it ok to call me names?


This is one that you do not negotiate on. This is you setting boundaries of how you will allow him to treat you. We teach people how to treat us. So far you have taught him that his nasty attitude and name calling is ok. So you are no teaching him that you will no longer put up with this.


hannah77 said:


> In turn, I will keep my negativity and unhappiness to myself and work on changing my attitude internally as well. I will work on finding positive things about the business and focus on that.


Take out “In turn”. This is not an exchange. He has to treat you will. And you need to not over burden him with your unhappynees.
Add Another item: I will use social media, blogging, youtube, website development, etc to enhance and market our business. This will increase the value and income of our business and it will increase my ability to either start my own business or eventually get a job that brings in good income.


hannah77 said:


> 2)This can't go on forever and needs a concrete end date. He said it was temporary and he needs to honor that. It is not fair that just because we are married I need to also be married to his dreams and goals and completely ignore my own. This DOES NOT mean I can go home and do hobbies all day or sit around. I need to work full time and bring in as much income as possible and continue working toward being the best I can be professionally.


Good one. 


hannah77 said:


> 3)Work stays at work. When we are not working, we need to be working on our relationship. I don't want to hear about customers when I'm trying to eat dinner and relax at home. I also believe we need to do more together, whether that is in the home or outside of it.


Good 



hannah77 said:


> 4)He needs to respect my hobbies and interests and not discourage me from pursuing things I want to pursue in my own free time. In turn, I need to respect his business and do my absolute best every time I'm at work.


Good



hannah77 said:


> 5) IF there is a divorce, he can have the business and the money from it. I have no interest in collecting money from work I don't do because I wouldn't be working there if we were divorced. I also have no interest in taking half his business if it comes to divorce - I wouldn't even want it. I wouldn't want to be connected to him any longer.


I understand this. There is something called equity.. that is the value of a business that is over and above what it makes from sales. A business that is making money and solid has equity. 

At the very least you should ask that the business repay you the inheritance you put in. Do not lose your own equity (inheritance) and pass it on to his equity. 

I would actually leave this out of the policy. If you have no intent on divorce. Why would you make a statement like this a non-legally binding document? It might make him think that you are going to divorce him. That will only further scare him and add a level of insecurity that is no needed. This would be a very unkind thing to go.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Oh, and if you're doing computer fixing stuff as a business, go to your local community college or university and tell them you want to bring in an (unpaid) intern every semester. Most colleges require students to pull an unpaid internship before they can graduate. You can get free work to help the business.
> 
> And I agree at this point you should spend the time you were working on your blog on working on your company's marketing. Make it grow so much that you can easily afford another person or two.


That makes sense, but I am morally against unpaid interns. I was an unpaid intern, and I would never do it to someone else. I think its wrong for a company to make money off of someone and not pay them at least minimum wage (even if that person is getting experience) unless it is a charity. I would be open to going to a high school or college and paying minimum wage. Or a mom of school aged kids. Or even a retiree. We really need help with customer service and clerical work, anyone can do that with a bit of training. His cousin was looking for work over the summer, he's a freshman in college but my H didn't want to hire him.

My husband is against hiring men so that cuts down on available people. He only wants to hire 18-22ish year old women because he says in his experience young men are terrible workers with lots of attitude and young females are good to work with. He also says and he doesn't want men "staring" at me at work. He thinks every man is staring at me, but that's a whole other issue I'm not going to get into here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Turnera... having him sign something will not do anything except that you can later show him that you did indeed tell him what was on the paper.

You might be better to tell him these things individually and show him by your actions what you will and will not do and put up with.

Tell him that you will not tolerate being called names and being disrespected and that when and if he does this, you will leave for an hour. Do not make it vacation time.. do you actually get vacation time? I doubt it.

So when he acts like that again... Just say "DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT." then get up and go for a 1 hour work.. or something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hannah77 said:


> That makes sense, but I am morally against unpaid interns. I was an unpaid intern, and I would never do it to someone else. I think its wrong for a company to make money off of someone and not pay them at least minimum wage (even if that person is getting experience) unless it is a charity. I would be open to going to a high school or college and paying minimum wage. Or a mom of school aged kids. Or even a retiree. We really need help with customer service and clerical work, anyone can do that with a bit of training. His cousin was looking for work over the summer, he's a freshman in college but my H didn't want to hire him.


So get an unpaid intern and then give them some money that the college does not know about.

I disagree that it's immoral to use unpaid interns as long as they are not abused. You are giving them experience that they cannot get otherwise. They can put that on their resume. 

I have seen companies that abuse them. No one is suggesting that.



hannah77 said:


> My husband is against hiring men so that cuts down on available people. He only wants to hire 18-22ish year old women because he says in his experience young men are terrible workers with lots of attitude and young females are good to work with.


Call his bluff and only hire female interns and/or female paid employees. 

His attitude is of course against equal right laws. But because of the size of your business he will get a pass. 

Of do not hire anyone and use outside services.



> He also says and he doesn't want men "staring" at me at work. He thinks every man is staring at me, but that's a whole other issue I'm not going to get into here.


Your husband has a real problem. Now we are getting to the underlying issue.

Your husband is jealous and controlling. 

Your husband is putting up as many blocks as he can so that he can keep you under his control.

Please start reading as much as you can about controlling men and how to deal with one.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

hannah77 said:


> My husband is against hiring men so that cuts down on available people. He only wants to hire 18-22ish year old women because he says in his experience young men are terrible workers with lots of attitude and young females are good to work with. * He also says and he doesn't want men "staring" at me at work. He thinks every man is staring at me, but that's a whole other issue I'm not going to get into here.*


I think this speaks more to the underlying issues going on here between you and your husband.

If you are working elsewhere, he cannot control who is staring at you.

Only hiring 18-22 year old chicks? My wife wouldn't allow me to do that 8 days a week. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think this speaks more to the underlying issues going on here between you and your husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily. I know the type of business they run. I wouldn't hire men around my wife in that sort of environment either. It's just a prevention tactic in his head.

Her husband is already feeling insecure about her 'plans'. I get where he's coming from as far as not hiring men.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Hannah,

I haven't read through all the posts, so forgive me if I repeat anything someone else has said.

Time to put on your big deal pants and get real. Your husband is a bully and is using you. 50+ hours a week at his business *PLUS* you do all the housework, cooking, etc. That stops* NOW*. Cut down to 5 days a week and keep it at about 6 - 7 hours per day. This will help you in your search for another job. As for the $50K minimum salary, tell him to go to hell. With *BOTH* of you working at your business, you are only bringing home $40K. Anything over $20K will be an increase. He can hire someone part-time or, since you do *ALL *the housework even though you work more than full-time, your husband can do it.

First, get another, professional sounding not cutesy, email account (they are free) and do not even let your husband know it exists. Use *ONLY* this when applying for jobs. You may want to only use this email account away from home or work, such as at the library. This would further prevent your husband from finding out about it. Hacking into your email and declining any possible jobs is inexcusable. He doesn't want you to get another job because then you won't be completely dependent upon him. Also, before logging off the computer, delete your internet history *EVERY TIME*. Post* NOTHING* on social media, or in your current email account, about your plans.

Start another blog and tell your husband *NOTHING* about it.

Make a list of everything you do at work and any achievements you have. Do the same with your blog. Emphasize your social media and customer service savvy.

It would be worth it to pay someone to redo your resume professionally. Check out the ads for any jobs you might like, and for which you are qualified, and make a list of their buzz words to be included in your resume. Most employers use software that scans resumes for their industry buzz words. Without them, your resume gets tossed.

Is this business incorporated? Without this, you and your husband are personally liable for any debts the business may incur or any lawsuits filed against it. If not, do it now. It is not at all expensive and does *NOT* require an attorney. But I suggest you have an attorney draw up papers noting your giving your inheritance to the business (stupid idea) and allotting you a certain percentage of the business. Speak with several attorneys about this as the initial consultations are usually free. Think of this as a pre-nup, or in your case post-nup, for the business. This would protect you in the event of a divorce.

It sounds like you married way too young. I don't know if this was out of fear of being alone or because it was expected as the next step after graduating. I would recommend marriage counseling for the two of you. If your husband won't go, and I have a feeling he won't because he has no problems using you as a slave at work, at home and in bed. Then you get individual counseling to find out why you accept this sh!tty treatment. But* NOT* a _happy-families-at-all-costs_ type of therapist. Screw the back rubs for your husband, too. He doesn't do anything nice for you and denigrates and sabotages you. Being his doormat is teaching him how to treat you.

IamSomebody


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You said that the business is now doing a lot better, $120K a year profit?


$120k/yr Gross, $40k net.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Not necessarily. I know the type of business they run. I wouldn't hire men around my wife in that sort of environment either. It's just a prevention tactic in his head.
> 
> Her husband is already feeling insecure about her 'plans'. I get where he's coming from as far as not hiring men.


With all due respect, it speaks more to why he is sabotaging her plans to find a job. There may be MEN at a potential new job. And they may look at her! With their eyes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hannah77 said:


> That makes sense, but I am morally against unpaid interns. I was an unpaid intern, and I would never do it to someone else. I think its wrong for a company to make money off of someone and not pay them at least minimum wage (even if that person is getting experience) unless it is a charity.


I'm sorry, but that's just nonsense. I was an unpaid intern at NASA and I in turn upon graduation got an 11-year career at NASA. The interns at the major cancer hospital I worked at went on to get lucrative jobs at Mayo Clinic and places like that. If you bring someone in just to lick envelopes, sure, frown on it. But if you bring someone in who doesn't have your skill set yet and you teach them the business, you ARE paying them - in valuable learning AND valuable experience they can use to go on to get a better job.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think this speaks more to the underlying issues going on here between you and your husband.
> 
> If you are working elsewhere, he cannot control who is staring at you.
> 
> ...


Yep, there's that abuse popping up again.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> With all due respect, it speaks more to why he is sabotaging her plans to find a job. There may be MEN at a potential new job. And they may look at her! With their eyes!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't judge this particular part without hearing his side. There are vibes given by some women that make the most confident guys insecure. He might have a good reason to not feel confident about his wife being alone with other men (their business would guarantee a lot of that if he hired a guy).

The thing is their marriage is already rocky (not just because of the business). Fixing it would require things other than hiring men at the business. The focus should be on fixing the marriage.

The biggest problem I see with this situation is Hannah not feeling like a stakeholder at the business. There's just something very wrong with that picture and I hold her accountable for that. She MUST change her feelings towards the business if she wants to stay married to him (I assume that's what she wants, but I could be wrong).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hannah,

Do NOT make ANY written statements to your H limiting your equity in the business. If the marriage ends a lawyer will get you what is fair. 

I know you aren't focused on money per se, and that is a wonderful trait. However part of regaining your power - as a person - and as a spouse - is gradually working towards financial independence. 

Your husband is a very fearful person. It's what drives most of his anger, and his controlling and aggressive behaviors. 

You will benefit from working 'with his fear' and not 'against it'. 

Ask him to read an article about how a 'love bank' works. Because he makes huge deposits by providing you health insurance and going without. And numerous foolish, wasteful withdrawals by belittling you. 

Your H needs to see the parallels between the business and a marriage. His cruelty is the same as wasting office supplies - as if each time he got angry he threw $200.00 worth of supplies into the trash. 

If he did that enough - bankrupt business
If he does that enough with you - ruined marriage 


It will take some practice for you but:
Hannah: Please don't speak to me that way, I'm not perfect - but I am working hard to make the business a success
Husband: (Sarcastically) Getting XYZ wrong doesn't HELP anything.
Hannah: I know you are tense and anxious about the business, but we are growing at a good rate - we are on track. For he sake of the business - you HAVE to get better at dealing with frustration - because at some point we will need other staff and they will NOT tolerate this type behavior from you. 
Husband: arguing the point 
Hannah: If you truly believe it's ok to treat an employee this way, much less your wife - than I'm sure you won't mind me using a voice activated recorder - so you can actually hear yourself later when you are calm. 





hannah77 said:


> Here is my plan I have formed after reading the helpful responses and ignoring the unhelpful ones:
> 
> 1)I am going to write up a policy and make him sign it. No name calling at work, and he only talks to me with respect. I am going to take an hour of "vacation" time for every time I am called stupid. I don't think I should have to tolerate that and I know he wouldn't do it to other people. When his father, who does some "volunteer" work makes a mistake, H never calls him names. So why is it ok to call me names?
> 
> ...


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I would give him my two weeks notice. He's verbally abusive, controlling, and it sounds like he brings nothing to the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Not necessarily. I know the type of business they run. I wouldn't hire men around my wife in that sort of environment either. It's just a prevention tactic in his head.


I'm female. I am an engineer and work closely with a lot of men. What exactly do you think this 'sort of environment' is? 

It's an office. Everyone has clothing on. They do their job.




synthetic said:


> Her husband is already feeling insecure about her 'plans'. I get where he's coming from as far as not hiring men.


What 'plans' is he insecure about?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> And you help him. Indefinitely. As long as you're married. That's marriage. What exactly are you complaining about here? And you help him. Indefinitely. As long as you're married. That's marriage. What exactly are you complaining about here?


As a spouse, she is supposed to support him in what he does. That's love and moral support. She is not obligated to work at what he orders her to work at. I'm sorry, but that is not what marriage is.



synthetic said:


> Here's the deal:
> You're saving your marriage around $30,000/year by working at YOUR OWN business. If you can find a job that pays more than that, great, find it, earn the money and hire someone for the business. If you can't, then find a way for the business to run without your presence.


I’m not sure why you are chewing her out and telling her to do exactly what she has stated that she wants to do… find another job that at least equals what she contributes to the business now. But her husband does not allow her to job hunt. How did you miss that?



synthetic said:


> And you help him. Indefinitely. As long as you're married. That's marriage. What exactly are you complaining about here?
> There really is no other choice here other than you running back to daddy's place and getting a divorce.


Wrong. Again, marriage is not about the forcing his wife to work at what he wants her to work at and him preventing her from pursuing things that she wants to pursue. 

There are solutions here. Their profits are so low that they are not even earning minimum wage. IF they closed the business and both found jobs they would be earning much more than they are now working very low hours. Her husband has marketable skills. He could be earning quite a nice paycheck. This business is not the only option they have as a couple or as individuals.

The business they are in is very competitive. The chance of making much more profit then they are is pretty low, especially if he prevents any kind of real marketing and PR.


synthetic said:


> You HAD/HAVE no goals. He didn't make you give up your goals. You have no financial goals to begin with. It's completely fair for him to expect you to pull your own weight.


I have no clue why you are so angry at this poster.

She came here for help, not be insulted, beat down and told to stay in her place.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

hannah77 said:


> Lol I love this.
> 
> I came here with a legitimate problem, and I am grateful for the help I've received. I'm sad a troll hijacked the thread, but I am glad that I did receive some good advice before that happened.
> 
> Thanks everyone!


Sorry for the rude interruption, Hannah. The mods will look after the dirty lil troll lol


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Thanks Moderators!

Carry on...

Hannah, what is it that you dislike so much about helping out with the business? Your bread and butter. I certainly can understand not wanting to work with your husband...


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

T&T said:


> Sorry for the rude interruption, Hannah. The mods will look after the dirty lil troll lol


'Thread Of Troll' just went *poof*.

Did same thing there as here - propagated negativity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I have no clue why you are so angry at this poster.
> 
> She came here for help, not be insulted, beat down and told to stay in her place.


Not once did I insult her or sound angry in my posts.

I said I side with her husband on the financial concerns and I stand by my words.

If she can make up for her current contribution to the business (which she owns equally with her husband) via another job then great. If not, her husband is totally justified in feeling betrayed.

All my posts are based on the notion of 'saving the marriage'. If there's another agenda in her head, all my posts are redundant. But then so is this entire thread.

She must contribute to the finances of the marriage at a rate equal to or higher than she currently is, because any other arrangement would be extremely unfair to the husband (it already is). If he was okay with it, it would be a different story. He's justified in not being okay with it though.

And btw, this is a business they started together and it has grown to be profitable. That is an amazingly fulfilling story that Hannah is completely dismissing. Both of them deserve credit for this and should take pride in it. Hannah is not. I don't know about her husband, but I get the feeling he's more into taking pride in it than she is.

His tone towards her is not okay, but we don't know how she treats him. I reserve my judgement on that because honestly I have a hard time believing Hannah is totally innocent in the verbal abuse thrown around. There's just a strong feeling based on her posts that tells me she's not all that nice to him either. Therefore I refuse to blame either side for now.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I am not on your husband side , him calling you names ; but the fact that he could be sacrificing , such as you have insurance and him not ! made his expectation higher because he is excpecting you to sacrifice .

Respect , sacrifice , Believing in each other is a major issue in a relationship .

How many kids you have ?
Because the way I see it ; you are heading toward a divorce; because you are not compatible .

Once respect is gone ; marriage is gone ; respect is not just words one uses , he might get angry 2-3 times ; loose his temper and get back to normal in few minutes ;so you


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## Midlifeturmoil (Dec 30, 2013)

What is all this about husband "sacrificing" so she can have health insurance?

If my wife was 29 with no children ... yet ... and I was a healthy husband in my 30's, low income and had the mindset that insurance for everyone wasn't a priority, guess who I'm going to get the insurance for? The partner that could get pregnant about any minute. Has nothing to do with sacrifice. What, you think the hospital or Drs will not treat him if he gets seriously sick or hurt? Some would say his services might be more limited without insurance. THAT scenario has changed. There is almost no risk to him from a health standpoint. 

My understanding is that the new healthcare law will force (or has forced?) this situation to change anyway. 

He also refers to her as a child and says adults would do this or that. I'm sure she isn't completely innocent here and yes, she has allowed this. But husband is over the top manipulative, controlling and abusive.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Spend less time on social media, including this site. It skews your perspective of the real world. This is definitely *not *the real world.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> What????!!!! No. Just NO. *She's his hostage!* This right here cancels out everything else at issue.


Not really. What she can do is tell him she is quitting and he can hire someone to do the menial tasks.

Then she goes and looks for another job. With all the states seeming to force employers to pay a minimum wage of $10/hour and higher, she can find something. And if she can't, she keeps looking.

Either way, she can put her husband in a bad position to hire someone else. Because something tells me that he isn't REALLY paying her, unless I missed it. He is probably treating this as a family business, even though he isn't giving her any real responsibility.

So my guess is that if she tells him she is quitting, he might just change his tune if the alternative is to hire someone else and actually pay them.

But then again there is that piss poor attitude he has towards her. She'll need to address that somehow, whether by calling him out on his shyte, or getting them into MC.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hannah77 said:


> I know this might sound really stupid to some people, but hear me out please.
> 
> I'm in my late 20s and I never got a career going. I have a college degree but I could never get hired anywhere except temp jobs that weren't fulfilling. I got together with my now husband straight out of college. After two years of searching for meaningful work, he suggested I just go to work for his business. I'm basically his secretary and I absolutely hate it. I spend my days doing menial office tasks alone in a back room. I meet no one and communicate with no one. I have zero friends of my own and my husband and parents are the only people I talk to.
> 
> ...


You H is an a$$. He should support you as much as possible. And pride goeth before the fall.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Spend less time on social media, including this site. It skews your perspective of the real world. This is definitely *not *the real world.


while I believe this to be true if you use this site objectively then I think its a great site to get many different opinions.


define real world.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

To answer the question in the title of your thread...YES, you husband is an ass. BUT. You are the one allowing him to control you. Why are you letting him dictate your life? You need to get help with your interview issues, because you need another job, whether its to sustain your marriage, or to support yourself when you end it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Yes, the husband is an ass for treating you badly and being a jerk.
Yes, you are an ass for insisting you can't make more than $10/hr with a college degree.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

find a new job.
find a new husband while you are at it.

his attitude about you came through loud and clear.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Hannah, use your degree and find a different job. Your husband is quite insensitive and his words were very cruel and demoralizing. You do not have to put up with his belittling of you and become his punching bag.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

Thanks to everyone for replying. I did not get to log on until today due to work and family obligations. So I'm not sure why someone said I spend "too much time" on social media, considering this is the first time I've logged onto any social media websites in the past 2 weeks....

Anyway I will take into account what everyone has said.


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