# Husband has lost all interest in me



## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

I hope someone can help me with a problem I am having. My husband started a new job a few months ago after being unemployed for a long time. Since then he has lost loads of weight and his behaviour towards me has completely changed. He has gone from being affectionate to being completely distant, cold and at times very unpleasant bordering on cruel. He works late quite frequently and the only time I know is when he calls me on the way home so I can pick him up from the train. Meanwhile I spend hours wondering where he is. He never answers his phone during this time and it goes straight to voicemail. He always addresses this by saying he has no signal at work. I have put on weight since we married 10 years ago, 30lbs to be exact and I hate it. I am trying to do something about it but I had a severe injury four months ago which left me completely immobile for three months and this did not help my weight. He has always said that he couldn't care if I gained weight he would love me no matter what I looked like. However, lately he has been making comments that hurt me very much. These could be subtle ones such as looking at me in photos when I was thinner saying wow you used to look good or offering "constructive" advice on what I need to do to lose weight. Last night out of the blue he brought up a woman he works with who has lost loads of weight on a dr assisted diet (she is 200lbs overweight) and offered to get information for me. He then said that I have let myself go and have no pride in my appearance. This is so untrue - I always make an effort and try to look nice and smart. He then said that he must love me as he is still here and hasn't left me! He kept making comparisons to what I was like 10 years ago. His comments really hurt me and he didn't seem to care. He then apologised while looking at his phone by saying he was sorry I was upset at his comments but he was being helpful and I should see that. His whole attitude towards me is so cold. He never says goodnight just goes to sleep, there is never any affection at all. He never asks me anything about my day or anything about me. All he does is roll his eyes and disagree with anything I do. It could be even something as stupid as how I unload the dishwasher or walk the dog. He does nothing around the house and I do literally everything while holding down a demanding job. I find gardening relaxing and always have done however lately he makes comments about me being a homebody. He is drinking more than ever and complains that I never want to do anything in one breath and then prefers to spend every weekend in the pub by himself. I have tried taking him on a romantic weekend away, I try to plan things for us to do but he doesn't seem to want to. I know something is very wrong here yet he denies it constantly. It is making me feel like I am going crazy. If I try to bring it up he is either dismissive or angry. He treats me like he is either bored with me or finds me irritating. He nitpicks at me all the time and the comments about my appearance have really upset me but he refuses to discuss it and denies there is a problem. I feel like something is going on but am hitting a brick wall with him. What do I do as I can't go on like this. Has anyone experienced this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This sounds like he is cheating. He improved his looks, gone late/for long periods and is unavailable, and is completely gas lighting you to make you feel like this is your fault somehow. You should check out the "coping with infidelity" thread. It might open your eyes.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Sadly, I agree with EnjoliWoman. Sorry.  It's time to find your investigative side. Check emails, text messages, phone records, etc. If he doesn't have cell signal when he is at work then there better NOT be any calls to and from his cell phone according to the cell phone record. 

His is showing all the signs of cheating. Blaming you is his way of justifying his behavior. All of which is NOT justification. Make no mistake about that! 

Time to work on yourself. If you want to lose the weight, do it for yourself. It sounds like it is really something you want to do. The good news is that losing weight just isn't about exercising so you injury shouldn't prevent you from losing that pound or two pounds a week. Take it from me. I had 80 to lose at one time and it was only when I stalled toward the end did I get my butt in the gym. But again, do it for yourself, not for him!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Worth also doing some reading. I would start with His Needs Her Needs and the Five Languages of Love.

Best wishes


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You need to investigate quietly and NOT accuse him of anything without hard evidence

Go to the infidelity section for advice on monitoring him NOW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> This sounds like he is cheating. He improved his looks, gone late/for long periods and is unavailable, and is completely gas lighting you to make you feel like this is your fault somehow. You should check out the "coping with infidelity" thread. It might open your eyes.


I hate to admit it but I think you are right. Thank you for confirming what has been in the back of my mind. I actually felt guilty for suspecting him but the signs are all there aren't they.


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## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Sadly, I agree with EnjoliWoman. Sorry.  It's time to find your investigative side. Check emails, text messages, phone records, etc. If he doesn't have cell signal when he is at work then there better NOT be any calls to and from his cell phone according to the cell phone record.
> 
> His is showing all the signs of cheating. Blaming you is his way of justifying his behavior. All of which is NOT justification. Make no mistake about that!
> 
> Time to work on yourself. If you want to lose the weight, do it for yourself. It sounds like it is really something you want to do. The good news is that losing weight just isn't about exercising so you injury shouldn't prevent you from losing that pound or two pounds a week. Take it from me. I had 80 to lose at one time and it was only when I stalled toward the end did I get my butt in the gym. But again, do it for yourself, not for him!


I have never been a jealous or suspicious person and during the 12 years we have known each other I have never invaded his privacy by checking his phone etc. Until now that is. The one thing I find very odd is that he wipes the history on his phone constantly. Something he has never done before. There are never any phone call logs or text messages on his phone. Even ones I have sent him so I know he is constantly clearing it. He has also called me from work before so I know there is a signal. 

After reading your post I looked at him a bit differently last night and saw how he was treating me in a different light. 

I am going to a weight loss dr on Friday to address my comfort eating and have an appointment with the gym as well. Thank you for your motivation, your weight loss has given me the kick I needed.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

You go girl! :smthumbup:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lizziebelle said:


> I know something is very wrong here yet he denies it constantly. It is making me feel like I am going crazy. If I try to bring it up he is either dismissive or angry. He treats me like he is either bored with me or finds me irritating. He nitpicks at me all the time and the comments about my appearance have really upset me but he refuses to discuss it and denies there is a problem. I feel like something is going on but am hitting a brick wall with him. What do I do as I can't go on like this. Has anyone experienced this.


Ask him if he wants a divorce. Because that's how he's acting, and that's where you're heading FAST.

Maybe that will get an honest conversation out of him.

If that's what he wants, then give it to him. I think that would be better than the life you're suffering through right now being married to him.


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## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

I have asked him to be honest and tell me if he no longer wants to be with me. He became very defensive and said I was being needy etc. All the signs are there that he is playing away. Part of me doesn't want to believe it in case there is another explanation. This man was my best friend for 12 years and now he is someone I don't even recognise, a total stranger. 

He had to meet a friend after work again yesterday and again he didn't answer his phone when I called, when he called me later on he clearly called me from the street outside the restaurant and said he didn't hear his phone. He got home from "work" last night at 1:15am hammered! 

His mobile phone bill came out of the bank account and for the first time in the six years he has had this contract - the bill was four times the usual amount. The paper bill has gone missing and I can't speak to the provider because only his name is on the contract. He just said it must be a mistake etc. I have had enough of this! I think it is obvious what is going on. I actually wrote all the signs down last night and came up with this:

- Distant, cold and critical of me
- works late frequently and can never reach him as phone goes straight to voicemail every single time and only ever calls to let me know when he is on his way home
- Unusually high cell phone bill
- lost loads of weight and taken more effort in his appearance
- started spending more in cash and not using the bank cards
-drinking more 
- constantly nitpicking things I do and say
- Never shows any interest in me or anything I do. Never asked how my day is, how I am feeling etc. I got a huge promotion at work which I am so happy about and he has shown no interest in it.
- Gone from being my best friend and being very close to someone who acts as if they can barely tolerate me.

That says it all really! Unless he can come up with a truthful and valid reason for recent events I need to take steps to protect myself.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Sadly, I agree with EnjoliWoman. Sorry.  It's time to find your investigative side. Check emails, text messages, phone records, etc. If he doesn't have cell signal when he is at work then there better NOT be any calls to and from his cell phone according to the cell phone record.
> 
> His is showing all the signs of cheating. Blaming you is his way of justifying his behavior. All of which is NOT justification. Make no mistake about that!
> 
> Time to work on yourself. If you want to lose the weight, do it for yourself. It sounds like it is really something you want to do. The good news is that losing weight just isn't about exercising so you injury shouldn't prevent you from losing that pound or two pounds a week. Take it from me. I had 80 to lose at one time and it was only when I stalled toward the end did I get my butt in the gym. But again, do it for yourself, not for him!


Snooping behind someone's back is never the right way gather information.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Time to do the 180. If every time you try to address the issues with him he snaps or grows more defensive, it's time to stop. Get VERY quiet. Stop calling him. I would barely address him in the house. Now is the time to get into yourself. Do things that make you happy. 

He may notice, he may be so wrapped up in his own BS to notice. It really doesn't make a difference, you have to keep protecting yourself and your heart. Eventually, you'll be in such a good place that what he does or doesn't do won't affect you in the least. I would get some papers ready for him and put him on a silent notice. If you can manage it, and nothing about what he is doing changes or gets worse, you can lay them out on the bed with a pen... say 60 days from now. 

Take care of YOU.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

lizziebelle said:


> I hope someone can help me with a problem I am having. My husband started a new job a few months ago after being unemployed for a long time. Since then he has lost loads of weight and his behaviour towards me has completely changed. He has gone from being affectionate to being completely distant, cold and at times very unpleasant bordering on cruel. He works late quite frequently and the only time I know is when he calls me on the way home so I can pick him up from the train. Meanwhile I spend hours wondering where he is. He never answers his phone during this time and it goes straight to voicemail. He always addresses this by saying he has no signal at work. I have put on weight since we married 10 years ago, 30lbs to be exact and I hate it. I am trying to do something about it but I had a severe injury four months ago which left me completely immobile for three months and this did not help my weight. He has always said that he couldn't care if I gained weight he would love me no matter what I looked like. However, lately he has been making comments that hurt me very much. These could be subtle ones such as looking at me in photos when I was thinner saying wow you used to look good or offering "constructive" advice on what I need to do to lose weight. Last night out of the blue he brought up a woman he works with who has lost loads of weight on a dr assisted diet (she is 200lbs overweight) and offered to get information for me. He then said that I have let myself go and have no pride in my appearance. This is so untrue - I always make an effort and try to look nice and smart. He then said that he must love me as he is still here and hasn't left me! He kept making comparisons to what I was like 10 years ago. His comments really hurt me and he didn't seem to care. He then apologised while looking at his phone by saying he was sorry I was upset at his comments but he was being helpful and I should see that. His whole attitude towards me is so cold. He never says goodnight just goes to sleep, there is never any affection at all. He never asks me anything about my day or anything about me. All he does is roll his eyes and disagree with anything I do. It could be even something as stupid as how I unload the dishwasher or walk the dog. He does nothing around the house and I do literally everything while holding down a demanding job. I find gardening relaxing and always have done however lately he makes comments about me being a homebody. He is drinking more than ever and complains that I never want to do anything in one breath and then prefers to spend every weekend in the pub by himself. I have tried taking him on a romantic weekend away, I try to plan things for us to do but he doesn't seem to want to. I know something is very wrong here yet he denies it constantly. It is making me feel like I am going crazy. If I try to bring it up he is either dismissive or angry. He treats me like he is either bored with me or finds me irritating. He nitpicks at me all the time and the comments about my appearance have really upset me but he refuses to discuss it and denies there is a problem. I feel like something is going on but am hitting a brick wall with him. What do I do as I can't go on like this. Has anyone experienced this.


I feel so bad for you. I mean no disrespect but your husband sounds very mean & cold. I think he is emotionally abusive & borderline verbally abusive.

Personally, I would completely ignore him until he started treating me with respect & I would also snoop to see if he is having a work affair & if he was, would expose it to his boss


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Snooping behind someone's back is never the right way gather information.


So do you ask them directly - "Hey, are you cheating?" They say no, and then know you suspect them, and will hide evidence even more (which he seems to be doing already.) How many cheaters actually confess the first time they are confronted?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At this point, he's the only one who knows for certain if he's cheating. Some cheaters act differently and some act exactly the same. In my case, my husband acted absolutely no differently than he ever did. 

I can't say exactly what prompted me to begin checking but once I did I found all the proof I needed. But he continued to maintain they were "just friends" -- all that evidence to the contrary. Remember that cheaters lie.

Trust yourself.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

Quit calling him...and snooping behind his back is the only way to get to the bottom of this. Go over to CWI and learn how. If he is cheating and drinking, he will make a mistake soon and you will know what is going on.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

quietly coax him to share with you his new life. being out of work for an extended period is a blow to his ego, and he must gain quickly the skills to just get along in a different invironment.


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## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

Hello all

It has been several months since I last posted but thought I would give you an update on the situation as you were all so kind to talk to me when I needed it. The situation carried on getting steadily worse until the end of May when he was suddenly fired from his job. He was devastated but very secretive. He became more obviously deceptive. There were random last minute leaving parties that I could never reach him at. He was now home but found reason to go into London all the time. He would go out for walks or to the pub on his own at the same time everyday that would coincide with either lunch or leaving time for work. His behaviour towards me was horrible. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. My family all noticed it and commented on how distant and snappy he was all the time. He had one day where he lost his rag completely and was sobbing about his life. I tried to comfort him and he just told me to go away. I suddenly had a thought that his mistress had dumped him and I was comforting him but then pushed it out of my head. Finally I got into his password protected phone and found text messages to this woman he used to work with. There was nothing too incriminating but did point to an intimacy and past relationship. I didn't let on I knew but kept monitoring his phone. Finally he had another meeting in London in the evening but I knew he had made plans to meet her and the text messages were very intimate and it was clear he was again chasing her. I let this go on for two weeks while carefully questioning him. He knew I was suspicious and started being nicer to me. Finally I saw a chain of messages that were very clearly intimate. I saved proof of the messages by taking photos of the phone and then confronted him. He initially denied it but I stayed calm and firm and once he knew I had quite a bit of information he admitted it. It had been going on since he started that new job in October. He had been spending huge amounts of our money on hotel rooms several times a week sleeping with he and he fell in love with her. We were go from ehre I do not know. I cannot imagine ever trusting him again. He is trying to be the perfect husband but I am devastated and so unbelievably hurt. I feel crushed by the level of betrayal. He says he has ended it with her completely and wants to work ion things with me and so on but I do not see being able to get past this. How can I ever believe him again. The lies and the deceit and his treatment of me I think is beyond redemption. I literally feel sick. How long before I start feeling better and can stop crying.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm sorry your suspicions turned out to be true.

I think all you can do at the moment is consider your position and think carefully about whether you love him and are prepared to work at putting this behind you.

Things are going to feel very raw and bad right now, and my view is that a knee-jerk reaction is rarely the best one.

Think about the good and bad points of the marriage (before it went totally wrong) and consider whether you think it is worth trying to save.

Good luck with whatever you decide.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I've been there, and it doesn't get easier for a good long while. Some advice because I dont want you to get disrespected like me.

Take some distance from him. Either move out or go away for a while. Focus on yourself for a while and do not let him blame things on you. Overall, please take space and just clear your head from this. You can then begin to approach the situation with a clearer mind.


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## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I'm sorry your suspicions turned out to be true.
> 
> I think all you can do at the moment is consider your position and think carefully about whether you love him and are prepared to work at putting this behind you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post. I agree - I am in no place to make any decisions about the future right now. Everything is so raw and painful. I still can't believe it, it is like living a nightmare I can't wake up from. I keep having dreams about them and wake up crying. I can't get past that they were clearly reconciling their relationship and I wonder how far it would have gone again had I not confronted him. Even after I confronted him and he swore there would be zero contact between them he was still texting her. He would just continue to lie to my face. I am really struggling to get past this. He swears that he is finished with her completely and he made his choice to be with me but I can't even look at him.


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## lizziebelle (Apr 22, 2013)

inquizitivemind said:


> I've been there, and it doesn't get easier for a good long while. Some advice because I dont want you to get disrespected like me.
> 
> Take some distance from him. Either move out or go away for a while. Focus on yourself for a while and do not let him blame things on you. Overall, please take space and just clear your head from this. You can then begin to approach the situation with a clearer mind.


I am really struggling, did you have nightmares. I dream about them together every single night and wake up crying. I can't stop thinking about it and the pain is physical. We were genuinely really happy and best friends before he met her. There was obviously something very special about her in his mind for this to happen. 

I am going away next week for a few weeks to stay with my family in another country. I just want to be home and be away from all of this. He is worried I won't come back and he should be. 

Very few people know but my Aunt keeps putting pressure on me to leave him and stay wiht her. I just want to be left alone to deal with this without having the added pressure of other people. 

Are you still with your partner?


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

lizziebelle said:


> I am really struggling, did you have nightmares. I dream about them together every single night and wake up crying. I can't stop thinking about it and the pain is physical. We were genuinely really happy and best friends before he met her. There was obviously something very special about her in his mind for this to happen.
> 
> I am going away next week for a few weeks to stay with my family in another country. I just want to be home and be away from all of this. He is worried I won't come back and he should be.
> 
> ...


Lizzie, you need space and time to contemplate your future. Going away is good for you, but can you not separate from him?


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