# Don't know how to accept my husbands newly discovered kid



## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

So I have a long story, but will attempt to make it as short as I can. Basically my husband and I have been together since high school and are now in our 30s. Neither one of us have been perfect, there has been cheating on our both our parts especially in our teens and 20s. Things are different now, we have 2 kids together and we finally decided to get married a few years ago. Of course there are still trust issues, but all in all things were going pretty well. Then out of the blue a few months ago we discovered he has a teenaged child he never knew about. This child was conceived as a result of a one night stand he had when he was 17, and cheated on me at a party. I never found out about it, and he never saw her again. I also became pregnant at that time but Because of many things we decided not to have the baby. Now 17 yrs later there is a kid who wants my husband to b her dad. 
Of course we are having huge problems now, and are trying to get threw it. He has been having dinner with her a few times over the past few weeks and I met her for the first time last week, and now she is set to meet my oldest daughter tomorrow then attend a family BBQ next weekend with my husbands fathers family. 
Basically I am feeling lost and like an outsider. Of course my husband and I are having problems but beyond that I just feel sort of shut down. I don't know how to accept her or warm to her. She is extremely shy, and is really only having contact with my husband now. I somehow feel threatened by her. As if she is taking my family away from me. Almost feels like an affair in a way. He has these conversations with her and they share things and he doesn't tell me about it. He is starting to feel affection for her and It seems like it is making his feelings towards me and our kids change. It sort of feels like she is taking part of my kids dad from them and I resent it. She is an innocent kid and I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it! It's hard enough to deal with the fact he cheated on me and has another kid, but now she is actually in his life and will be coming around. I feel humiliated that everyone will know he cheated and made a baby with someone else. I have to figure a way to accept this for my own kids so they don't lose us as a family. This girl seems to want to know me too, and refers to me as her stepmom. Just not sure how to accept this and be open and not feel all this resentment and fear. Please help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

None of this is her fault. Try to find it in your heart to accept her. She never had a dad and now she has one. She'll cling for a bit. Show her what a big heart you have!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are her step mom. That's why she calls you that.

Since you are staying with your husband and this girl is clearly in your life now you need to find a healthy way to deal with her existence.

See a counselor to work out your feelings if you need to.

Remember that a person does not have a fixed amount of love. So she is not taking away any love that belongs to you and your children. Love is like the branches of a tree. With the right conditions the tree just grows a new branch.


I understand your reaction here. But she's an innocent kid who has been deprived of a father her whole life. It sounds like she wants to love all of you. So accept the love and her.

Just curious. Did your H have DNA test done to verify paternity?


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I'm sorry about this situation, I know that you must feel so hurt and confused about it all. I would go to a counselor to work out all of your feelings. Or maybe if you are in a position to take a few day or even a week by yourself or with your kids on a vacation. Maybe stay with family members if you can.

It sounds like it all happened so fast. You really shouldn't expect yourself to be ok with this right away! Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I would be in shock and it's very brave and mature to want to do your best with the new child.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation OP. Everything you're feeling is completely normal - you wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling those things.

I think you're incredible to be able to acknowledge that none of this is the girls fault, and to want to do right by her.

This must've been such a shock. I think if you give yourself some time and have realistic expectations (you're not going to be one big, happy family overnight)...aim for friends to start with...it will all work out fine in the end.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I also feel the way you are feeling is completely NORMAL ...this is going to take some time... this was a huge shock to your system....

Hard as it may be.. imagine what it would be like to be this young girl for a moment...

Did she grow up with a step Father or has she never had a Father figure in her life? I would feel very shy if I was her -coming into an already made family knowing ...just looking at me = you have been cheated on & betrayed...basically feeling like an intruder.. she just wants to get to know him...it has to be hard on her too...

It's just an awkward situation all the way around...but love can find it's way... if both parties are careful to consider the other...

As difficult as it may be...show kindness to her... Pray for strength before you meet her if you have to.... Her 1st impression on you & how she is welcomed ...could make or break your future interactions with her...


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are her step mom. That's why she calls you that.
> 
> Since you are staying with your husband and this girl is clearly in your life now you need to find a healthy way to deal with her existence.
> I guess I dont know that I have decided to stay with my husband, but for now i am trying. Mostly for these kids, i dont my kids to lose the family that they have known and i also dont want this girl to feel even more hurt and awkward knowing that her existence has triggered events that ended our marriage.
> ...


Yes he had a DNA test, and after encouragement from me he attempted contact with her.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> I'm sorry about this situation, I know that you must feel so hurt and confused about it all. I would go to a counselor to work out all of your feelings. Or maybe if you are in a position to take a few day or even a week by yourself or with your kids on a vacation. Maybe stay with family members if you can.
> 
> It sounds like it all happened so fast. You really shouldn't expect yourself to be ok with this right away! Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I would be in shock and it's very brave and mature to want to do your best with the new child.


I have talked to my husband about all of my feelings from the beginning. About the betrayal, about my feelings of exclusion, about my feelings that we are losing him. You can only address these fears and feelings so many times, but it doesnt make them go away, and he takes my feelings as me not wanting to be a part of this. I just dont see where my part even is! I am not going to force my way into this, but at the same time if I am not included i dont see how the marriage can survive. I guess the problem is that things have to move fast. She is eager to meet whoever wants to meet her and some of my husbands family is eager to meet her. The trouble with my husbands dads family is that they are all fake people who try to present a perfect family front and that is far from the truth! They never invite us around, never have anything to do with my children or myself.. in fact we have never even been invited to his grandparents home, and now they want us all to come over and act like a big happy family just so they can meet this new child, though they have nothing to do with my children.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I also feel the way you are feeling is completely NORMAL ...this is going to take some time... this was a huge shock to your system....
> 
> Hard as it may be.. imagine what it would be like to be this young girl for a moment...
> 
> ...


That is really the crux of this whole thing! My heart aches for this girl! Her mother was no kind of mother, and she was raised by grandparents who now have custody of her and 2 younger sisters. She has never had a mother or a father but she is a nice young girl, well rounded, active in school ,and seems to be doing all the right things. She is painfully shy though, and i just dont know how to reach out to her. I have contacted her via FB and let her know that I am here for her and that she can have as little or as much to do with me as she wants. I made it clear that I am not an obstacle she needs to interact with in order to know her dad/siblings etc. I have met her once, and things went fine. As i said she is just very shy and we dont know how to figure out what it is that she wants from us, well me in particular! But it also kills me to feel like im losing my family because of this.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are her step mom. That's why she calls you that.
> 
> Since you are staying with your husband and this girl is clearly in your life now you need to find a healthy way to deal with her existence.
> 
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

frostytink said:


> I have talked to my husband about all of my feelings from the beginning. About the betrayal, about my feelings of exclusion, about my feelings that we are losing him. You can only address these fears and feelings so many times, but it doesnt make them go away, and he takes my feelings as me not wanting to be a part of this. I just dont see where my part even is! I am not going to force my way into this, but at the same time if I am not included i dont see how the marriage can survive. I guess the problem is that things have to move fast. She is eager to meet whoever wants to meet her and some of my husbands family is eager to meet her. The trouble with my husbands dads family is that they are all fake people who try to present a perfect family front and that is far from the truth! They never invite us around, never have anything to do with my children or myself.. in fact we have never even been invited to his grandparents home, and now they want us all to come over and act like a big happy family just so they can meet this new child, though they have nothing to do with my children.


Eh... things do not "have to" move fast. Relationships take time to build, but a 17-year old doesn't really have a clue about stuff like that. In fact, their whole world goes from "OMG this is URGENT and must be the whole world's focus RIGHT NOW!!!!" to "Who cares?" and back again in a blink. She's trying to pack 17 years of your husband's absence into the shortest time possible, and a part of him feels honored by that kind of intense attention. I can imagine where your anxiety could seem to him like you're trying to interfere or be "unwilling," even if you're really just saying, "hey, let me get used to this at a pace I can live with!" 

I'm interested in hearing more about the mother and whether the girl had a father figure at all...? How did the present contact come about and why now? (Did mother hide info, or ...?)

Although this is probably a very rude awakening and a horrible reminder of your husband's betrayal, it *was* a betrayal that took place many years ago. This girl has NOTHING to do with that even if she did result from it! 

If you honestly dislike her, then don't try to engage, but if you don't have a reason to dislike her, then your duty to support your husband and family requires that you make an honest effort to cope with your own feelings and understand that this is important to your husband. Rejecting her is rejecting him, in a way. 

But that doesn't mean you should lose him to her, either. Since you feel afraid of that, I'd encourage you and your husband to find a middle ground that allows him to develop a relationship with his daughter while allaying your fears. Perhaps a limit to the amount of time (and how time is spent) will help. If you and your family are included in the time she spends with your husband, it's likely to give you a chance to grow affectionate toward her, too.

Despite her shyness, you ARE the adult, and it's up to you to take the lead. Right now, you're wanting a confused, unwanted child to "know" what to do. 

What if she was a niece sent to visit you? You'd feed her, offer her a place to sleep, and make time to get to know her, right? So do that. Invite her to do ...whatever... when you have an opportunity to include her and chat her up. Find out what her favorite books / tv shows / songs are and read/watch/sing them yourself so you can have something to talk about.


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