# Hope to get the thoughts out of your head



## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knowing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with this, but it is part of a normal progression - and it WILL get better. I assume she left you, so she has already let go and moved on - it's much easier when you are the leaver. Much harder when you're the one left, especially if it's unexpected. As you say, keeping busy is the best thing to do for now. Eventually, you'll be able to consider dating, and then you'll find yourself moving on and healing as you focus on new people.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only good path is to cut off all unnecessary contact excerpt the bare minimum of what's needed. Time will fix the rest. 

Never answer a phone call, text or email and before any responses (short one word answers if possible) think first. Does it need a response? Learn to ignore.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I read books.
I woke up to the truth.
I was no longer Mr. Nice Guy. 
The movies in my head disappeared as soon as I started understanding my wife's TRUE nature.
Read "The Rational Male" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy"


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

NeverGoingBack said:


> With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knowing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.


Yes said already detachment of your mind, in the way of thinking of a great moment in your life where you controlled the out come ( not to include her ). It's a loss of control and failure we as men find most difficult to deal with because we can not change the outcome.

Men it's said to dwell longer in loss, you need to Compartmentalize it's loss as a life lesson learned in a way you may have wrecked your first car. Or in a way you just think meme... I had her and now l see where I really was in her life at the bottom. Now l say this only to help you cope and do not take away from you part of your failed marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Around here what you refer to is called: Mind Movies. It is very common and exist in all circumstances like yours.

Here is a little story:

A couple we know gets a divorce. Ex-husband is crippled by mind movies for years ..... he struggles very badly.

Years later he finds out the new lover was horrible in bed with his ex-wife. He even finds out he had a tiny tool ........

Lesson Learned: He is not the Thor your brain has made him to be. Don't let your mind create a truth that does not exist.

Yes he is nailing her ...... but perhaps never as good as you did.


Remember what I told you about "reality". Adjustment is tough .... it's normal.....it takes time. Your doing better than you think .......keep going.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sorry that you are going through this. Thoughts like have gone through my mind as well with my STBXW but a good friend told me something that helped.me get past it. 
"You can spend the rest of your life wondering what c*ck she is riding now or you can pull yourself up and start living your own life"


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Hi NeverGoingBack, there's not much to go on here. Can you give us some background such as, what led to the separation and if you are divorcing?


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

I think I am missing the infidelity angle here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Continue to detach. It takes time but you will get over it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

The other thing is, only the positive good thoughts pop up in our heads and it makes us half a false sense of what the relationship was like. There was a lot of negative things in your marriage, you guys fought all the rime. She is not as good as you think she is. Remember that your mind is playing a trick on you. 

And whatever you do, do NOT dwell in your sadness. Make plans for the future so you have something to look forward to and get excited about.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

faithfulman said:


> I think I am missing the infidelity angle here.


The infidelity angle was we were together almost 10yrs, married almost 2. We were having some issues and she left to go stay with her family while we figured things out. During her time there we still acted very much like husband and wife. A week before I found out about this guy she was texting me ideas about renewing our vows and starting over fresh. Idea sounded great to me and I was all on board. Next thing I know I get a fb request from a guy much younger and I have no common friends with him but my wife and one other girl who she works with. I question her about it,she plays dumb. I ask how I know him I get no response. I guess he was being nosy seeing if we were really done as I'm sure that's what she was telling him as she was telling me she wanted to renew our vows. Next thing I know she is saying she is done that we have let our marriage go to far and I knew at that point she was ****ing him. She later admitted that they were dating and had slept together. I have now found out he had prior charges and is now in jail. This was her excuse that once they found out he was going to jail and was going to be there for a while things just "starting moving very quickly". Before I knew this I offered her to come back and try MC and that we could both work on fixing our communication issues which were our biggest problem. She hates where she lives but still declined to come home and has made it clear that he isn't going anywhere. I just can't believe she has left me for a guy in his mid 20s with tons of charges and nothing going for him. He will never be able to provide for her and I don't want him around my children upon his release. She doesn't even know this guy. She may have known him a month at best before he went to jail. Talk about a blow to my self esteem holy ****!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

NeverGoingBack said:


> The infidelity angle was we were together almost 10yrs, married almost 2. We were having some issues and she left to go stay with her family while we figured things out. During her time there we still acted very much like husband and wife. A week before I found out about this guy she was texting me ideas about renewing our vows and starting over fresh. Idea sounded great to me and I was all on board. Next thing I know I get a fb request from a guy much younger and I have no common friends with him but my wife and one other girl who she works with. I question her about it,she plays dumb. I ask how I know him I get no response. I guess he was being nosy seeing if we were really done as I'm sure that's what she was telling him as she was telling me she wanted to renew our vows. Next thing I know she is saying she is done that we have let our marriage go to far and I knew at that point she was ****ing him. She later admitted that they were dating and had slept together. I have now found out he had prior charges and is now in jail. This was her excuse that once they found out he was going to jail and was going to be there for a while things just "starting moving very quickly". Before I knew this I offered her to come back and try MC and that we could both work on fixing our communication issues which were our biggest problem. She hates where she lives but still declined to come home and has made it clear that he isn't going anywhere. I just can't believe she has left me for a guy in his mid 20s with tons of charges and nothing going for him. He will never be able to provide for her and I don't want him around my children upon his release. She doesn't even know this guy. She may have known him a month at best before he went to jail. Talk about a blow to my self esteem holy ****!



There's two kinds of separation. One in which the goal is to save the marriage, and the couple need a little space to "reset"; that's often true if some issues about living together loom large in the problems the couple have. Then, the separation allows the couple to repair their relationship before tackling the cohabitation issues. In such a situation, because the goal is to save the marriage, there should be NO DATING/INVOLVEMENT with other people.

The other kind of separation is the step required during the divorce process. Some jurisdictions require a time of separation before the legal divorce can happen. But the key point is that there is no intention of repairing the marriage. It's over and done with, the separation is just part of the divorce process. 

It seems like your wife was promising you the first kind of separation while actually living the second kind. That's why this truly IS an act of infidelity. That's why you feel like so many of the guys who were cheated on. You are essentially having the equivalent of the "mind movies" that so many betrayed men feel. You should take advice from them, read their threads, and see what options there are for coping (it's clearly very tough).

If there is a good side to this all, it's the fact that she cheated on you with such a loser. Their relationship will go nowhere fast, especially with him in jail. That means you'll come out much better on the other side. Just read some of the threads of betrayed men whose wives cheated on them with massive losers. It always turns about badly for the wives, and the guys invariably realize how much better off they are without their cheating wives.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

[email protected] said:


> Hi NeverGoingBack, there's not much to go on here. Can you give us some background such as, what led to the separation and if you are divorcing?



What led to the separation was just little fights that every couple has. Only with her when we get into an argument she runs. This is what she has always done and had admitted numerous times she needed to work on stopping doing. She would leave, go to where she is staying now and return the next morning. Things would basically get swept under the rug. Eventually things just continued to build up. She would always be in a bad mood, want to sleep all the time and would make rude comments which would start an argument. I wasn't perfect. I will take my half of the problems as there were times I would not even want to come home because I knew she was going to be in these moods and an argument would start so I would already come in guarded and distance myself. She likes to be loud and argue, I'm the opposite I shut down and isolate. This in turn made her feel like I didn't care about her anymore even though I made it clear to her numerous times how much in love with her I still was. One day I finally snapped and said that maybe she should just leave and we should divorce. Now I know never to throw the divorce card out there unless you mean it but at the time I had really had about all I could take. What I really meant was I just needed some time to cool off and should have left myself for a few hours came home and talked things out rather than kept her in the routine of running to her families house. I regret saying that but we had even talked about it and I let her know that I didn't mean it and having her home was what I wanted more than anything. She said that home didn't feel like home to her anymore that she felt like an unwanted guest there and basically put all the problems on me. Really the problem was she was suffering from anxiety and ptsd which she has struggled with since a child. I have very good insurance and begged her to go see a Dr. but she would just procrastinate on it. She has a lot of issues that stem from child hood trauma and we had very deep conversations about it and I let her know that I would always protect her. I just wish she would have got the help she needed and I feel we would have been fine. Like I said I am far from perfect myself and I would have absolutely agreed to MC or IC and even offered the MC. She says that she is still in love with me and always will be that we had something very special but she just can't live that way anymore. She also has no problem as my wife throwing in my face that she has a bf that isn't going anywhere. This past week I have focused on no contact unless about our childrens schedule and ignored texts that didn't pertain to that. I just took our marriage so serious. I never expected to be here writing this and us divorced. Usually at this time I would be in bed cuddled up sleeping next to her. I just miss her so much but can't get over what she has done. When these scenes start to play out in my head I have panic attacks. My hands clinch up and I just start to lose it. It usually happens in the morning or late at night. I have been taking xanax which is know is a dangerous road but without them I really think I would lose my sanity sometimes. Not even with the scenes that play out but just the loss of my wife who was also my best friend for the last decade. I am having so much trouble moving on but doing best to keep moving forward. I know I need to go ahead and file for divorce. she has made her decision and I can't change that and could never get my trust back or not resent her for what has happened. I just feel like this is a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from. None of it seems real.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

NeverGoingBack said:


> With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knowing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.


Maybe it's not your wife that was the one generating the amazing sex. Maybe it was you. Just sayin. You may have a lot to offer someone, more than you realize. Don't sell yourself short.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NeverGoingBack said:


> I just feel like this is a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from. None of it seems real.


Hey Buddy,

We talked about this .... remember. Go back and read your messages. 

Reality Reset ...... your in it thick.

Best thing is to develop a plan and give yourself a path. Right now that path is to go start the divorce process. Give yourself that mission. Stick to the mission. 

The longer you do not give yourself purpose ..... the longer you will be stuck where you are. Get moving.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Early on, those sexual mind movies play sheer havoc with one's mind! 

You will undoubtedly come to learn that time and eventual acceptance is the greatest healer of a broken relationship.

At least it was with me!*


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem with numbing the pain is that pain will ultimately lead you to make decisions in your own best interest. 

Trying to forge a relationship with a runner AND an unrepentant cheater should be nowhere on the list of decisions in your own best interest. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Wolfman1968 said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > The infidelity angle was we were together almost 10yrs, married almost 2. We were having some issues and she left to go stay with her family while we figured things out. During her time there we still acted very much like husband and wife. A week before I found out about this guy she was texting me ideas about renewing our vows and starting over fresh. Idea sounded great to me and I was all on board. Next thing I know I get a fb request from a guy much younger and I have no common friends with him but my wife and one other girl who she works with. I question her about it,she plays dumb. I ask how I know him I get no response. I guess he was being nosy seeing if we were really done as I'm sure that's what she was telling him as she was telling me she wanted to renew our vows. Next thing I know she is saying she is done that we have let our marriage go to far and I knew at that point she was ****ing him. She later admitted that they were dating and had slept together. I have now found out he had prior charges and is now in jail. This was her excuse that once they found out he was going to jail and was going to be there for a while things just "starting moving very quickly". Before I knew this I offered her to come back and try MC and that we could both work on fixing our communication issues which were our biggest problem. She hates where she lives but still declined to come home and has made it clear that he isn't going anywhere. I just can't believe she has left me for a guy in his mid 20s with tons of charges and nothing going for him. He will never be able to provide for her and I don't want him around my children upon his release. She doesn't even know this guy. She may have known him a month at best before he went to jail. Talk about a blow to my self esteem holy ****!
> ...


Yes! I completely agree and this is exactly what happened. Had she said I’m done, moving on and going to start seeing other people I would have respected her wishes and filed right away. However what she did was the complete opposite and has even said in text messages that she had no plans of meeting anyone else but after she left and came back during the kids first week of school to see them off to school that it hit her and she was done. Problem is she didn’t communicate that to me, she actually communicated in the complete opposite way but talking about renewing our ****ing vows! In the state I live in you have to be separated a year before being able to divorce unless adultery was involved which I feel this is a clear case of. Anyway thank you for your comment, I completely agree!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NeverGoingBack said:


> Yes! I completely agree and this is exactly what happened. Had she said I’m done, moving on and going to start seeing other people I would have respected her wishes and filed right away. However what she did was the complete opposite and has even said in text messages that she had no plans of meeting anyone else but after she left and came back during the kids first week of school to see them off to school that it hit her and she was done. Problem is she didn’t communicate that to me, she actually communicated in the complete opposite way but talking about renewing our ****ing vows! In the state I live in you have to be separated a year before being able to divorce unless adultery was involved which I feel this is a clear case of. Anyway thank you for your comment, I completely agree!


She was treating you as plan B, her back up guy until she had gotten enough **** off her boyfriend. You spoiled her party by asking her who the guy was. 
If you hadn’t found out she would have came back to you but just until her boyfriend got out of jail and then she would have been gone again. 
Is this the way you want to live your life? Second choice to a ****ing jailbird. 
I would give her a month before she’s looking to reconcile. 
Do so at your peril.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > I just feel like this is a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from. None of it seems real.
> ...


Hey ,thanks and believe me I have not dismissed or ignored your advice or others. I have been doing everything correct. In fact I have no desire to go back at this point. I realize trust has been completely destroyed and I would resent her to the point I would treat her like dog **** even if she tried coming back and I don’t want to be that guy. As hard as it is I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. Problem is, I still have trouble getting her off my mind. Work and reading forums like these so far have been my best weapons. Also all the time I get with my daughter greatly helps. I just feel so emasculated because if being cheated on with a complete loser with nothing to offer her. How does she expect a guy in his mid 20s with felonies to do anything for her and our children. It’s like she turned into a completely different person these last few months I don’t even know her anymore.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I am also in the house of the same thought, use this to work for your advantage of pursuing the Divorce with vigor. And it's ok to use this as HATE, because of how it unfolded. Don't let it make you bitter but resolved. To get it done. And then care for your self and allow yourself to heal. And take the time to heal, and like yourself first, it is hurting more now because in some way you are letting her define you don't. It's not about you being her lover and her treasure. 

It's about her being selfish and dark, you have really seen the real her and it hurts. Throw her memory into the crap heap of a steaming pile. And know she valued you so little it was only a matter of time before you did find out she may have been doing this all along. And this you don't need. Smile to yourself, and know you missed the bullet because it could have been worse and staying with you and doing the same.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > Yes! I completely agree and this is exactly what happened. Had she said I’m done, moving on and going to start seeing other people I would have respected her wishes and filed right away. However what she did was the complete opposite and has even said in text messages that she had no plans of meeting anyone else but after she left and came back during the kids first week of school to see them off to school that it hit her and she was done. Problem is she didn’t communicate that to me, she actually communicated in the complete opposite way but talking about renewing our ****ing vows! In the state I live in you have to be separated a year before being able to divorce unless adultery was involved which I feel this is a clear case of. Anyway thank you for your comment, I completely agree!
> ...


No way, I have way more to offer a woman then being a wingman for some scumbag. I am coming up on my mid 30s so my life is hectic at this time which doesn’t give much time to meet a woman unless she happens to come across me at work. Right now my focus is on my children and getting them trough this and putting their needs before mine. Women will always be around. It just sucks on nights I’m all alone. Especially this time of year where it’s the best to cuddle up with your woman on the couch, watch movies. That’s the stuff that gets to me.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

NeverGoingBack said:


> No way, I have way more to offer a woman then being a wingman for some scumbag. I am coming up on my mid 30s so my life is hectic at this time which doesn’t give much time to meet a woman unless she happens to come across me at work. Right now my focus is on my children and getting them trough this and putting their needs before mine. Women will always be around. It just sucks on nights I’m all alone. Especially this time of year where it’s the best to cuddle up with your woman on the couch, watch movies. That’s the stuff that gets to me.


Good for you. I'm alot older than you--51. When I became single in my 40s I was quite lucky in that most men in my dating pool had children. I used that as my measuring stick of sorts. If they were a good father, chances are they'd be a good partner. Hold out for a woman who deserves your high moral compass. Your soon to be ex wife isn't of your caliber.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I am also in the house of the same thought, use this to work for your advantage of pursuing the Divorce with vigor. And it's ok to use this as HATE, because of how it unfolded. Don't let it make you bitter but resolved. To get it done. And then care for your self and allow yourself to heal. And take the time to heal, and like yourself first, it is hurting more now because in some way you are letting her define you don't. It's not about you being her lover and her treasure.
> 
> It's about her being selfish and dark, you have really seen the real her and it hurts. Throw her memory into the crap heap of a steaming pile. And know she valued you so little it was only a matter of time before you did find out she may have been doing this all along. And this you don't need. Smile to yourself, and know you missed the bullet because it could have been worse and staying with you and doing the same.


Thank you and yes it does hurt very deep. Mostly because I think of all the times she looked me in the eyes and promised to be the best wife she could be and be there for me always. She made so many promises like that, which seemed so sincere and meant so much to me.

I am now a lot more established then I was when we first met. I was in my young 20s bouncing job to job, not knowing what to do with my life or how to provide for our family. We went through some really rough times together and she stuck it out right by my side. She was the one to keep me calm when life got the best of me and my stress level had my head about to explode. I worked my ass off to get where I am today and did it all not only for myself and the kids but for her. I wanted to give her a good life and show her that everything I did was for her and our family. I wanted to get to a point where she could be a stay at home mom and give it to her as a thank you for sticking by me when most women would have bailed. Instead she waited until I created a good life for us and this is her repayment! 

It’s just hard for me to understand someone that cold and cruel. I know it’s not for me to worry about or try and figure out but I do catch my self questioning how a person who has spent a decade of their life with you and supposedly so in love with you can just up and leave and have another partner in a matter of a month or so. I’m guilty of breaking some hearts in my younger years but as a married adult the thoughts of cheating or just up and leaving never crossed my mind. No matter how angry or upset I’d get with her I still loved her deeply and by that night or next morning I’d always be completely over whatever was bothering me and grateful to have her in my life. It just hurts to know you meant so little to someone who meant so much to you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NeverGoingBack said:


> I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. Problem is, I still have trouble getting her off my mind.
> 
> Also all the time I get with my daughter greatly helps.
> 
> How does she expect a guy in his mid 20s with felonies to do anything for her and our children.


Acceptance is the first part ...... Good Job

Get her off your mind ....... absolutely understandable

Spending time with daughter ........ always a great idea

mid 20's with felonies ....... Female attraction works a few different ways .... they are not as simple as men. Read a few books on female attraction. Women respond to men in different ways depending
on the man. Bad boys can strike a short term flame in a woman sometimes. It's just all biology and chemicals. As much as the fairy tale books want you to believe that
love and romance should just happen (and good hot sex) .....well ...... a good education on how things really work can help. When I say that I mean it can help you AND your
future partner. Lots of guys go down in flames because they think things are not "fair". You have to give a woman what she wants by being what she wants ...even if she 
doesn't know it.


More on all that junk later ........ keep going....... your doing great.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NeverGoingBack said:


> Especially this time of year where it’s the best to cuddle up with your woman on the couch, watch movies. .


See there ..... all that cuddle stuff ....loves kids.......... your gonna be back in the women quicker than you think.


Mission ...... stick to the mission.

If you take charge and lead the mission you will feel better ....


CHOP CHOP ....... get moving


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I bet that during your relationship, you thought about sex with her often. These were good mind movies.

Now, your brain does its old habits, thinking about sex, and instead this conjures up bad mind movies of her with bf, since that is the current situation.

Your brain will continue to think about sex, you just need to find a replacement for her. You can focus on the new girl mentally, create new positive mind moves, and the problem will fade away.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NeverGoingBack said:


> With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knowing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.


This isn't the first time she's had sex with other men and you've had to deal with it.

Just do whatever it is you did the other times.

Where is your ANGER? Find _*that*_ and you'll be surprised at how much you don't care about this *latest *f*ck puppet of hers. She is SUCH a nasty piece of work.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > Especially this time of year where it’s the best to cuddle up with your woman on the couch, watch movies. .
> ...


I’m sticking to the mission my friend and most def stepping into the drivers seat. Right now finding a woman isn’t really on my mind. I’m terrible at hiding my feelings and don’t want to look pathetic in front of the first woman I meet. My self esteem is already at an all time low because of what my “wife” has done to me. I’ve never had a problem finding someone in the past but that was back when I was just turning an adult and easy for most men. I’ve been in a serious ltr with my sons mom and stbxw since then so I hope I still got it. Between work, kids, and lacking social life I don’t see it possible to find someone to do that cuddling with for quite some time. I have a few close friends that
I’ve had for prob close to 20yrs but one moved 4hrs away, the other just started a family of their own and busy with new baby and work. It’s a scary thought to think I may be alone for years and years. I still know my worth and what I have to offer to a woman and how much happiness we can bring one another. It’s finding the time/place to run into her. I used to toy around with young women’s hearts back in my younger days so maybe karma has come to pay my a visit.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Years and years? No this is not possible with your good nature and all. If you continue to think this way, it's no wonder why the MM are taking it's toll. If you think short term, you will be able to accept it better. Again don't let her memory define you! You are much greater than this.

If you have some faith and believe in that use this to help you. Read the Bible and you will see all the others through out time have suffered, and with their faith we're able to move on knowing that tomorrow may bring you the happiness you seek and your dependency is only to the one above. And trust the promises of peace knowing we will be tested in things we value on this earth. But should focus on complete happiness one day in the companionship with the holy one. 

I have faith in God, and it has helped me keep it together. And in my time in the Marines, l know there is a God, because l should not be here. Let a new view of life show you the way.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

*Hope to get the thoughts out of your head&#x26c5;️Q q q*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knows wing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.
> ...


No, you’re right it isn’t the first time she has and I think that, along with the fact she repeated her actions again only this time as my wife that makes it worse. The fact she promised to be the perfect wife and spend the rest of her life showing my how sorry she was for making that “mistake” years ago. It took me years to even begin building my trust back in her. I was open and honest about it, and not in a rude way. I would just let her know when I was struggling to get over certain things. I was still never able to fully give her all my love as I had before she cheated previously. It was impossible for me. Now that I think of it, it was more than likely me just protecting my heart in case of something happening again.

My anger is right here with me, more than sadness or any other emotion for that matter. Angry at myself for trusting and believing all her lies. Angry that she knew how bad I was crushed from her past cheating, and how many times she promised to never put me through that again and how she was going to be perfect. Just when I started to get my trust back and begin to think it may have just been an isolated incident and BOOM this happens! 

Would it have been so hard for her to just be honest and say that she wanted to go through with the divorce and start seeing other people? I would have respected her decision and the fact she was open and upfront about it. Instead I get the bs excuses “I swear I wasn’t looking for someone else” and blames me for the outcome just as cheaters do. So trust me the anger is in me raging! Even with all that anger thoughts play out that I can’t control. I can control and am getting better at stopping them when they start. Idk, I’m more angry at myself for taking her cheating, lying ass back and thinking it wouldn’t happen again.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

As l said already about needing some anger, but l didn't say to have it at yourself. Have it only against her bro, you have to stop blaming yourself. Be disgusted with her and her crappy ways and HER broken promises. But not your self.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Tilted, do not aim any of that anger toward yourself, you didnt earn it, SHE did. 

As far as the thoughts and the mind movies, I have been there. You have to remember that YOU are the only one in control of your own brain, and what festers there is only what you allow to. After my last husband divorced me to remarry his ex wife, the two of them were in my mind CONSTANTLY. I was even dreaming about them when I would go to sleep, which was weird for me because my mind doesnt usually work that way. I finally came to the realization that they were going on their merry way living their lives while I tormented MYSELF with them in my brain. I had to make a conscious effort to kick them out whenever they would wander in. I would tell myself STOP! often out loud (when I was alone lol) and force my focus onto something else. Eventually it worked but I really had to work at it for a while. YOU are the one in control of this, so force her OUT. She... like my two.. does not deserve the real estate in your mind that you keep giving her, so make her leave.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I want to say, I'm not in the "She's A Skanky Cheater Who Doesn't Deserve You" Camp, for a few reasons. I'm not trying to challenge anyone who disagrees with me, just offering a different (limited) interpretation...

Based on some of the things you've said, I get the feeling that there was alot more going on with YOU than you are letting on. I think you may have had a bigger hand in why you are alone now than you've wanted to share, and that's FINE - I don't blame you if that's the case.
Also I could be wrong about what I'm feeling about your situation. But I'm not sensing that you are a total victim.

I think before you get the opportunity to have a new relationship, you might need to examine your role in the demise of your love and marriage, so that you don't repeat it. You might be a really totally awesome guy to be with...but if none of that actually gets OUT into your relationship with another person, it's like it doesn't exist. Your attitude sets the tone for whatever relationship you are in, so make sure you work on that so things will go better in your next relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I want to say, I'm not in the "She's A Skanky Cheater Who Doesn't Deserve You" Camp, for a few reasons. .



Oh Lisa ..... You know your hot for underage felons .... just admit it :surprise:

No one is judging ..... don't worry 0


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Oh Lisa ..... You know your hot for underage felons .... just admit it :surprise:
> 
> No one is judging ..... don't worry 0


There is only ONE WAY to respond to your post....but since there is no giant "raspberries" emoji, this will have to do....


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I want to say, I'm not in the "She's A Skanky Cheater Who Doesn't Deserve You" Camp, for a few reasons. I'm not trying to challenge anyone who disagrees with me, just offering a different (limited) interpretation...
> 
> Based on some of the things you've said, I get the feeling that there was alot more going on with YOU than you are letting on. I think you may have had a bigger hand in why you are alone now than you've wanted to share, and that's FINE - I don't blame you if that's the case.
> Also I could be wrong about what I'm feeling about your situation. But I'm not sensing that you are a total victim.
> ...



I don’t mind sharing anything about my role or hers. I’m not trying to hide anything. I’m here for feedback, solutions and answers so I don’t want to give the impression I’m hiding anything. I don’t know if it was in this post or one of my others on here by I’ve absolutely owned up to my wrong doings in our relationship not only on here but to her before she decided to get a bf while married to me. 

Her only issue with me and I the thing I agree with and own up to was not showing her enough affection. Some of the time it was my fault. Work, kids that always demanded attention and just life would get in the way and keep me busy and side track me. Other times the affection wouldn’t be shown because of how nasty her attitude would be. She would get stressed out by the kids and take it out on me or whatever was bothering her she would take out on me. The problem is she would never see this. When I would let her know she was being that way she would deny it and say that it was just her personality and I must just not like her personality. That wasn’t her personality though. So when she would be in those moods(which sometimes were often) I wouldn’t be affectionate. I would even let her know that it was hard to want to come lay with her or show any type of affection to someone who was in such a bad mood. 

She also suffered from really bad anxiety and as I’ve stated before ptsd from childhood trauma. I have great ins and tried repeatedly to get her to find a Dr. She would always say she would but wouldn’t. Towards the end of our relationship all she would want to do is sleep or sit around and watch tv. All of the adult responsibilities would fall into my hands. Any appts for kids, cleaning, playing with our younger daughter, etc. It honestly started to feel like I had a teenage daughter with the way she would act sometimes. I did everything I could as a husband and a best friend to make her a better person. She has even admitted in the past that she felt like she wasn’t worthy of a good loving relationship and felt the need to self sabotage it. I had repeatedly let her know everything that happened to her as a child was not her fault and that she was worthy of love and that I loved her so much and would always protect her and she knew that. She still knows that. Anything you feel I’m holding back though please feel free to ask. I don’t want it to sound like I’m keeping things hidden. Either way whether you believe that or not, it doesn’t make adultery ok. She could have said that we were done, that she or I needed to file for divorce because she wanted out of the marriage and was going to start seeing other ppl. Instead she secretly started talking to this younger guy while making everything seem normal. While she was gone from home we still talked and acted as a married couple. It wasn’t until she locked it in with him that she decided she was done.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Well, I didn't mean anything I said to criticize you, I want you to know that. And I definitely didn't mean that your wife doesn't have major faults (no matter what MrM thinks I meant ). But go back and read your first post in the "Got What I Asked For" thread -- your FIRST post...I sense from some of the things you hinted at that you probably weren't as caring to your wife as she needed. 

And then at least twice you said this was karma for how carelessly you treated women before her...I was thinking of that too, when I said you needed to look at what YOUR part in all this was, so you don't repeat it. Because it's possible that not many women would have stayed with you the way you described your relationship before you married. Maybe they wouldn't have found another guy, but they might still have left you for good and not wanted you back.

And you said it hurt that she broke her promises to you, but in your first post on that other thread, it sounded like you might have broken some promises that you made her as well.

All I wanted to do was make you think about what happened from a different perspective, and take steps to be a better partner next time - NOT that you deserved anything or are fully at fault!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You know ...... there are a lot of people in this world with problems. Like yeah...a bunch. In many cases it is not that persons fault. Some people are raised in a life of circumstances that led to things beyond their control. It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person per se’ but it sure in the HELL can make them a terrible partner or a life long project that is unfixable.

What I’m getting at is: Project women are trouble. Avoid them as if they have Ebola. Next time don’t pick one that needs to be the star of “fixer upper”.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I didn't mean anything I said to criticize you, I want you to know that. And I definitely didn't mean that your wife doesn't have major faults (no matter what MrM thinks I meant ). But go back and read your first post in the "Got What I Asked For" thread -- your FIRST post...I sense from some of the things you hinted at that you probably weren't as caring to your wife as she needed.
> 
> And then at least twice you said this was karma for how carelessly you treated women before her...I was thinking of that too, when I said you needed to look at what YOUR part in all this was, so you don't repeat it. Because it's possible that not many women would have stayed with you the way you described your relationship before you married. Maybe they wouldn't have found another guy, but they might still have left you for good and not wanted you back.
> 
> ...


Yes I understood your point and definitely didn’t take it as you were trying to criticize. I also want to make clear that the karma part I meant was when I was in my late teen, very early adult hood stage and didn’t take relationships serious at all. Didn’t want a ltr wasn’t even something that crossed my mind. So I was meaning along the way I’m sure a lot of hearts got broke by girls who may have taken things serious. Sure as hell doesn’t compare to the heart break of a marriage with children involved but I guess I was just trying to think of any excuse I could to justify this happening.

You are correct that I wasn’t as caring as I should have been. I can’t deny that. However I feel if two people want to make it work they will. If I forgave her for cheating and also was willing to work through the things I felt she was lacking in, I figured she was willing to do the same. Instead, as soon as things aren’t going her way she just bounces to the next man. Marriage takes a lot of work and I was willing to put that work in and go through hell and back to make things work if that’s what it took. I always thought that feeling was mutual but I was very wrong. My pride is hurt, ego crushed, trust destroyed. She just has completely broke me down and Ive never considered myself a weak man. It’s just that I grew up without a dad so I wanted more than anything to give my kids what I didn’t have, a mother and father. Her daughters father is a deadbeat loser so I took her daughter in as my own since she was a yr old. My son was also very young when he started being around her so he grew up to love her. Her daughter and my son are super close. Our daughter is the youngest and plays it off like she’s ok but I know she’s hurting. It isn’t just me she’s effected. Our family is just ripped apart. I know it’s common these days, but it sucks when it happens to you, it just really really sucks. I’m just so angry at her selfishness. If it was a relationship that couldn’t have been saved I’d be honest and say so, but I have heard older couples tell stories about what they’ve been through which has been far worse than anything in our marriage and they came out stronger than ever and been married 40-50yrs. That’s what I wanted! That’s what kills me is I thought I had a partner willing to go through whatever with me not run like a child at the first sight of a minor problem.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> You know ...... there are a lot of people in this world with problems. Like yeah...a bunch. In many cases it is not that persons fault. Some people are raised in a life of circumstances that led to things beyond their control. It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person per se’ but it sure in the HELL can make them a terrible partner or a life long project that is unfixable.
> 
> What I’m getting at is: Project women are trouble. Avoid them as if they have Ebola. Next time don’t pick one that needs to be the star of “fixer upper”.


Trust me I’ve learned my lesson and it will be a LONG time before I pick one period. My daughter is a daddy’s girl and isn’t going to be stuck at my hip and very on guard for a while I can already tell. My son is hitting teenage years and doesn’t really mind much besides feeling bad for me but my focus is on them. My daughter primarily. I want her to get through all this and be ok. Right now I have to worry about this loser getting out of jail and being around the girls. You would think being what she’s been through she would give it time but no she’s already talking about getting a place with him when he gets out according to my step daughter. A guy she barely knows and majority of barely being jail visits and phone calls. How could you be a mother and just let some random guy around your daughters? I’m so pissed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have a very valid concern with the convict boyfriend. You could see about having it written into the separation/divorce agreement that he (or anyone with such a record) is not allowed around YOUR kids. Sadly you wont have control over what she allows for her own daughter, but you can do your best to protect your own.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Stupid question but is there anyway you guys can work it out and stay together? It doesn’t sound like you are done with her. 

Also... I just wanted to mention something about the conversation you had with lisa about your faults. I can be moody and expressive too, and when I am I hate it when I am left alone. I understand that I’m not pleasant to be around but people need love the most when they aren’t at their best. So hearing that your wife is asking for more affection and you try to avoid her when she is upset or in a mood breaks my heart for her. You can’t have only the good in people. You can’t have the good, and avoid her when she’s at her bad, then pop up when she is better and good again.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

let me ask you a question, NGB, before we go down this road. Define moody please?

Moody to men and women mean totally different things in many cases. Some of what you wrote and how it was implied set off a red flag for me.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You tried. You did your best. You worked hard to make a better life for your family than you had. This end really hurts! She left because of her deficiencies, NOT because of you. She has a history of self-sabotage and being fickle.

You lived a life while often walking on egg shells, never knowing what to expect. I'm thinking her childhood trauma--Abuse?--is likely responsible for her behavior--maybe even a personality disorder. You know you cannot change her, but you can change yourself. This is not to say she didn't have redeeming qualities that you loved--it just wasn't enough. 

Her moral code is different from yours. I'm thinking her mind changes in an appalling and confusing manner--not to be figured out. Beware of her showing up and trying to seduce you.

Do not let her live rent free in your head--she doesn't deserve this as she has fired you and all you offered. You and your children deserve better. 

Mind movies: are part of your feelings of loss. Are part of your search for what you could have done differently. Go to the place in your head where she creeps in. She is an alien now. Expel her as best you can except for necessary parenting. Communicate between lawyers when possible. The sooner you 'let it go', the sooner you can focus on improving yourself--exposing the man you are because you are a survivor not a victim.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Stupid question but is there anyway you guys can work it out and stay together? It doesn’t sound like you are done with her.
> 
> Also... I just wanted to mention something about the conversation you had with lisa about your faults. I can be moody and expressive too, and when I am I hate it when I am left alone. I understand that I’m not pleasant to be around but people need love the most when they aren’t at their best. So hearing that your wife is asking for more affection and you try to avoid her when she is upset or in a mood breaks my heart for her. You can’t have only the good in people. You can’t have the good, and avoid her when she’s at her bad, then pop up when she is better and good again.


Trust me it’s hard to put into words but I promise even though it sounds that way it’s not. When I say moody I mean she can really say some mean and nasty things. She’s real confrontational and I’m laid back and the opposite so I avoid the conflict. It may have sounded worse than it was. When she was upset about something I was always there for her so please don’t take it as I was some ******* who only wanted to be there when she was happy that def wasn’t the case. It’s ok to be moody and I completely get that. We both had moody days just like any other regular person. 

To answer your original question no there is no working it out. She’s has completely moved on and is happy with her boyfriend. I asked for marriage counseling and also had many long conversations where I let it be known I was still madly in love with her and be wanted her home more than anything(this was before I knew about the boyfriend) she told me she was still in love with me too but we had let things go too far. Basically that was her way of just letting me down easy. She knows my heart is broken. She also knows how much i loved her trust me I’ve been through hell and back with her. The affection could have been better at times yes BOTH ours could have. The problem is when I would own up to my part and express things she could never accept her part. I’ve said millions of I’m sorry and can’t tell you the last time I’ve ever heard her say that. She always has a way of putting it all on me and that’s what made the affection part difficult. Idk it’s hard to describe it in writing but I promise it wasn’t like “oh she’s in a bad mood I’m going to avoid her until she’s happy” if it came out sounding that way it’s just because of how hard it is to explain this. I just can’t give one good reason we shouldn’t be working things out right now. She must have gave up on us along time ago is all I can think of because we weren’t this horrible couple.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> let me ask you a question, NGB, before we go down this road. Define moody please?
> 
> Moody to men and women mean totally different things in many cases. Some of what you wrote and how it was implied set off a red flag for me.


Her moody would be a very condescending tone and most the time followed up with some awful things said. Just such a negative attitude that I would actually feed off the energy and would put me in a bad mood. For example I could have a great day at work, excited to come home and see her and the kids and as soon as I come in the door could feel her negativity before she even spoke and could tell she was in one of those moods. If I tried to be positive or bring positivity by playing with my daughter for example it wouldn’t help she would block everyone out or tell us to be quiet she was trying to watch tv(all the time) and if I tried to get her to be involved with us would just be met with more attitude. Things like that don’t exactly make me want to cuddle up with her. I’ve had moody gfs where I could easily start playing around with them and get them out of that mood. This isn’t the case. She even has the same mood with her gma who I sometimes speak to(who she currently stays with) and even she says that it’s awful.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> You tried. You did your best. You worked hard to make a better life for your family than you had. This end really hurts! She left because of her deficiencies, NOT because of you. She has a history of self-sabotage and being fickle.
> 
> You lived a life while often walking on egg shells, never knowing what to expect. I'm thinking her childhood trauma--Abuse?--is likely responsible for her behavior--maybe even a personality disorder. You know you cannot change her, but you can change yourself. This is not to say she didn't have redeeming qualities that you loved--it just wasn't enough.
> 
> ...


Exactly I guess the moody I refer to would be best described as you put it confusing and appealing, sometimes even shocking! I would try talking to her about it, sometimes she would blame it on anxiety other times she would deny even having a problem or attitude at all that it was just me that had a problem and horrible attitude. There was just no winning with her, no middle ground and we finally got to the point we did because like I said majority of fights we had she ran off instead of handling it and talking it out. It just got swept under the rug until it no longer could anymore.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

NeverGoingBack said:


> Her moody would be a very condescending tone and most the time followed up with some awful things said. Just such a negative attitude that I would actually feed off the energy and would put me in a bad mood. For example I could have a great day at work, excited to come home and see her and the kids and as soon as I come in the door could feel her negativity before she even spoke and could tell she was in one of those moods. If I tried to be positive or bring positivity by playing with my daughter for example it wouldn’t help she would block everyone out or tell us to be quiet she was trying to watch tv(all the time) and if I tried to get her to be involved with us would just be met with more attitude. Things like that don’t exactly make me want to cuddle up with her. I’ve had moody gfs where I could easily start playing around with them and get them out of that mood. This isn’t the case. She even has the same mood with her gma who I sometimes speak to(who she currently stays with) and even she says that it’s awful.


Thanks.

Has she gone to counseling or a psychiatrist?


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > Her moody would be a very condescending tone and most the time followed up with some awful things said. Just such a negative attitude that I would actually feed off the energy and would put me in a bad mood. For example I could have a great day at work, excited to come home and see her and the kids and as soon as I come in the door could feel her negativity before she even spoke and could tell she was in one of those moods. If I tried to be positive or bring positivity by playing with my daughter for example it wouldn’t help she would block everyone out or tell us to be quiet she was trying to watch tv(all the time) and if I tried to get her to be involved with us would just be met with more attitude. Things like that don’t exactly make me want to cuddle up with her. I’ve had moody gfs where I could easily start playing around with them and get them out of that mood. This isn’t the case. She even has the same mood with her gma who I sometimes speak to(who she currently stays with) and even she says that it’s awful.
> ...


The only time she tried was a few yrs back and they had put her on anti depressants which she took for a few days and stopped and benzos which are the only thing she said helps her feel better but she abuses so she can’t take them. She hasn’t tried and actual therapy and idk if it’s because she doesn’t want to talk about the past or why it is she won’t go. Any type of stressful situation she has to go through she says her anxiety is too bad and just shuts down. I know anxiety/panic attacks can be awful but she hasn’t tried finding any tools to help with that.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> You know what, Everything you have written about how much you loved her, and how great a couple you guys were, and on and on and on and on and on....
> 
> ALL OF THAT IS PROJECTION---- YOU PROJECTING YOUR FEELINGS ON TO HER...
> 
> ...


Nobody asked you to read the “pages I have gone on about this crap”. If you don’t like the subject then don’t read it, that simple! What am I refusing to understand? I completely understand now that the love I had for her wasn’t mutual. I believe I’ve even mentioned it a few different times. Writing about what I’ve just been through helps to get it off my chest, and if you don’t like that well personally I could care less. I’m not some naive idiot who can’t see what’s going on but I’ve been with this woman for 10yrs and have children hurting over the fact their home has been ripped apart. I know YOU could give a **** less but at least some ppl have compassion and offer constructive criticism at the very least, most offering awesome advice also with comments to make me feel a little better. It would have also been a little hard for her to be cheating on me “for God knows how long”. She had no issue leaving her phone around, fb acct open and have me free access to any of it if she felt I ever had reason not to trust her. She also worked almost an identical schedule with nothing but women in her profession and I would pick her up after work so unless she was having hot girl on girl orgies in the break room or getting nailed by someone with my kids home I think you’re wrong my friend.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!! For your own good...



He already knows that it is done.

He is just venting.

If you check out his date of first post until now he actually moved to acceptance pretty quick. 

BluesPower ..... I get your post. I often have a hard time with men that can't scrape themselves off the floor also. This dude seems to be getting his crap together pretty quick.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> He already knows that it is done.
> 
> He is just venting.
> 
> ...


EXACTLY. It's also good to remember that TAM is a place that most people come to express their weaker feelings that they don't show to other people in real life. Everyone goes through loss at their own pace. And writing things out can be VERY helpful in sorting through them faster.

That said, NGB, BluesPower has offered some great advice on here, and I doubt meant his post as badly as you took it - it's hard to hear the tone of people's voices through typing, so on here it's always better to read posts with a supportive note to them, because that's almost always how they're meant! :smile2:


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> He already knows that it is done.
> 
> He is just venting.
> 
> ...


No I am not talking about the marriage being done... 

I want him, hopefully, to understand like many, she did not love him. She was cheating for way longer than he thinks. In his original thread, he really did not believe it. 

I say the above to say this... IT IS TIME TO STOP CARING ABOUT HER. 

In other words, he was not living or understanding what was actually going on. Whether he is clueless, in love, not that bright or whatever... But for whatever reason, like this post, a part of him is holding on to the failed marriage. 

And, I get it. But hopefully, realizing the reality of who he was married to, has got to help him detach... 

Or at least that is my tactic here. He has to let all of it go. Understand he was a fool at some level and move on. 

He is not the only one that has had to do that... we have all done something foolish in our time on this earth, I know I have...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

NGB, another thing that may help you understand why she chose the loser. Most cheaters cheat down. Why they have nothing to lose because they are bolder and take chances say and doing things most normal men would not do. And sometimes they get what they were going after, they saw a crack in her defenses and because he was alone already did and said simple and shallow comments to her and she chose to move forward with him. It's not easy to understand that someone you knew and loved would let her weaknesses , betray you but she let the other dude take advantage of it.

Now you can chalk this one hurt to alert you in the future, and you will have a future with someone else, but it's ok to mourn to loss of you marriage. And when you had enough pain. You will seek out one that can make you happy.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

*Hope to get the thougtyhts out of your head*



LisaDiane said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> > He already knows that it is done.
> ...


This site has been extremely helpful in helping me move through the process quicker by getting all my feelings out. It also makes it so much better to get advice from ppl that have been through exactly what you have or have others going through it with you and help support each other. That’s what I’ve came to love about TAM. I have a few ppl irl that I could talk to but unless you’ve lived it, it’s difficult to understand how hard it really is.

I’m sure BluesPower has offered great advice and I did read over it a few times before deciding to respond. I was unable to find anything supportive or the least bit helpful in what they wrote. In fact, their post is the first one that I’ve felt that way about. I find it very therapeutic to come here and write to clear my head. Just because I may write in one post “I miss her and wish it could have worked” doesn’t make me some delusional ex who can’t move on. It’s just how I’m feeling at the time and instead of wasting my time trying to reach out to her and making a fool of myself I write it down here and keep no contact with her. I’m just grateful that there are people here willing to take time out of their day to offer up advice because they’ve walked in my shoes before. Nice to have people who genuinely care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NeverGoingBack said:


> Hey ,thanks and believe me I have not dismissed or ignored your advice or others. I have been doing everything correct. In fact I have no desire to go back at this point. I realize trust has been completely destroyed and I would resent her to the point I would treat her like dog **** even if she tried coming back and I don’t want to be that guy. As hard as it is I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. Problem is, I still have trouble getting her off my mind. Work and reading forums like these so far have been my best weapons. Also all the time I get with my daughter greatly helps. I just feel so emasculated because if being cheated on with a complete loser with nothing to offer her. How does she expect a guy in his mid 20s with felonies to do anything for her and our children. It’s like she turned into a completely different person these last few months I don’t even know her anymore.


This felon, is he on the Sex Offenders Register, by any chance? Those types just love a woman with children. For obvious reasons.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Hope to get the thougtyhts out of your head*



NeverGoingBack said:


> This site has been extremely helpful in helping me move through the process quicker by getting all my feelings out. It also makes it so much better to get advice from ppl that have been through exactly what you have or have others going through it with you and help support each other. That’s what I’ve came to love about TAM. I have a few ppl irl that I could talk to but unless you’ve lived it, it’s difficult to understand how hard it really is.
> 
> I’m sure BluesPower has offered great advice and I did read over it a few times before deciding to respond. I was unable to find anything supportive or the least bit helpful in what they wrote. In fact, their post is the first one that I’ve felt that way about. I find it very therapeutic to come here and write to clear my head. Just because I may write in one post “I miss her and wish it could have worked” doesn’t make me some delusional ex who can’t move on. It’s just how I’m feeling at the time and instead of wasting my time trying to reach out to her and making a fool of myself I write it down here and keep no contact with her. I’m just grateful that there are people here willing to take time out of their day to offer up advice because they’ve walked in my shoes before. Nice to have people who genuinely care.


*Moderator note:* BluesPowers post was reported by members and deleted as it was determined to be unhelpful and an unfair attack on you.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

At my age I have to ask if the stains are in the front or the back........?


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > Hey ,thanks and believe me I have not dismissed or ignored your advice or others. I have been doing everything correct. In fact I have no desire to go back at this point. I realize trust has been completely destroyed and I would resent her to the point I would treat her like dog **** even if she tried coming back and I don’t want to be that guy. As hard as it is I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. Problem is, I still have trouble getting her off my mind. Work and reading forums like these so far have been my best weapons. Also all the time I get with my daughter greatly helps. I just feel so emasculated because if being cheated on with a complete loser with nothing to offer her. How does she expect a guy in his mid 20s with felonies to do anything for her and our children. It’s like she turned into a completely different person these last few months I don’t even know her anymore.
> ...


No and thank you for asking. As she on as well got his name i did my homework on him. Looks to be a drug addict. Had a long history of stuff like check forgery, theft and recent charges are violation of my probation and possession of controlled substance. Even though he isn’t on the list I’m still using extra caution. In my area I see ppl in the newspaper almost on the daily for offenses against children whether it be physical abuse or of the sexual nature they are all over this area. That is a great point and thanks for bringing it up for others who may not be as aware. That’s something I take very very serious as should everyone. 

Also thanks for removing that post that added nothing but negativity to what I already have going on. I appreciate that.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Betrayedone said:


> At my age I have to ask if the stains are in the front or the back........?


Huh?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NeverGoingBack said:


> No and thank you for asking. As she on as well got his name i did my homework on him. Looks to be a drug addict. Had a long history of stuff like check forgery, theft and recent charges are violation of my probation and possession of controlled substance. Even though he isn’t on the list I’m still using extra caution. In my area I see ppl in the newspaper almost on the daily for offenses against children whether it be physical abuse or of the sexual nature they are all over this area. That is a great point and thanks for bringing it up for others who may not be as aware. That’s something I take very very serious as should everyone.
> 
> Also thanks for removing that post that added nothing but negativity to what I already have going on. I appreciate that.


No worries. Glad to be able to help. 

There's a technique that you can use. A member here accidentally found videos of his wife having sex with her lover. He hadn't a clue she was cheating on him, so it came as a terrible shock.

He had dreadful mind movies as a result and he saw a qualified therapist who used an NLP technique to get those images out of his head. 

Perhaps that might work for you, also?


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > No and thank you for asking. As she on as well got his name i did my homework on him. Looks to be a drug addict. Had a long history of stuff like check forgery, theft and recent charges are violation of my probation and possession of controlled substance. Even though he isn’t on the list I’m still using extra caution. In my area I see ppl in the newspaper almost on the daily for offenses against children whether it be physical abuse or of the sexual nature they are all over this area. That is a great point and thanks for bringing it up for others who may not be as aware. That’s something I take very very serious as should everyone.
> ...


I’ve been doing pretty good with being able to shift my thoughts away from that when I can feel them headed that way. I just can’t even bare to look at her or see pics of her right now. That’s what is starting to really get to me. I made sure to take all my the ones of her down in the house and removed them all from my social media. I’m just having a really ****ing tough time tonight. She had FaceTimed my daughter tonight and then said it was important and to put me on. She was just looking beautiful as ever. I sat there trying to pick out a flaw or anything to help me and I couldn’t. She’s just happy as you can possibly be right now while I have to put fake smiles on to get through each day and play it off to the kids and everyone that I’m fine. It’s just so ****ing difficult to except the person you were with for so long and expected to spend your life with can forget you even exist in a matter of months and not be bothered in the least. All I can do is keep moving forward but I feel like I’m making no progress. Everyday feels the same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need professional counselling. It will be of great help.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Around here what you refer to is called: Mind Movies. It is very common and exist in all circumstances like yours.
> 
> Here is a little story:
> 
> ...


I understand that it's natural to compare with a new lover or with someone your partner cheated with but this cuts both ways.

Someone can be happy about the new lover having a "tiny tool" but what if it's a "huge tool"? That kind of thinking suggests that the level of hurt is at least in some way determined by penis size of the new lover. I don't think that's a healthy view to promote. Should a woman be encouraged to be happy that her husband's new lover has "tiny boobs"? or is "fat"? I don't think we should be thinking like this for many different reasons. This thinking suggests that you should be hurt more if your husband's new lover has bigger boobs than you? Or is thinner. 

Not trying to criticize anyone and just putting this out there for discussion since a lot of other posts on this thread also seem to revolve around certain attributes of a new lover and whether they should be making you feel better (and conversely feel worse) about being cheated on. Let's be careful what they suggest in the bigger picture. Better to focus on yourself and healing, rather than trying to compare your "tool" or your boobs, or your job, or your weight with the other man or other woman.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> I understand that it's natural to compare with a new lover or with someone your partner cheated with but this cuts both ways.
> 
> Someone can be happy about the new lover having a "tiny tool" but what if it's a "huge tool"? That kind of thinking suggests that the level of hurt is at least in some way determined by penis size of the new lover. I don't think that's a healthy view to promote. Should a woman be encouraged to be happy that her husband's new lover has "tiny boobs"? or is "fat"? I don't think we should be thinking like this for many different reasons. This thinking suggests that you should be hurt more if your husband's new lover has bigger boobs than you? Or is thinner.
> 
> Not trying to criticize anyone and just putting this out there for discussion since a lot of other posts on this thread also seem to revolve around certain attributes of a new lover and whether they should be making you feel better (and conversely feel worse) about being cheated on. Let's be careful what they suggest in the bigger picture. Better to focus on yourself and healing, rather than trying to compare your "tool" or your boobs, or your job, or your weight with the other man or other woman.


Your likely right in a lot of ways. As a man that kind of stuff will fly right over my head sometimes.

My only point was to not let his mind make something an "untrue reality" ......... not go shopping for a tape measure.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

JustTheWife said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> > Around here what you refer to is called: Mind Movies. It is very common and exist in all circumstances like yours.
> ...


My mind movies aren’t directed towards comparison and I agree with your point as well. Mine are just seeing my wife happy and making love to another man. I’ve worked really hard at dismissing these thoughts and the only reason I believe it’s working and not an issue currently is because he’s not around right now. Hopefully when he’s returned I’ll be healed enough to not think that way but the first time seeing them together is going to kill me. I’m trying to just let it all go but it’s def not easy. Time heals everything so I’m just counting my blessings being grateful for the loving and supportive children that I have and just trying to get through the days.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Your likely right in a lot of ways. As a man that kind of stuff will fly right over my head sometimes.
> 
> My only point was to not let his mind make something an "untrue reality" ......... not go shopping for a tape measure.


Agree and I really didn't mean to pick on your post. As I said, a lot of posts on this thread have a similar theme.

You make a great point that a lot of assumptions that people may be making in their mind movies are far from the truth (untrue reality as you say). It may also be natural to compare both by assuming they are "better" than you or "not as good" as you. Perhaps human nature is to waver between the extremes of the two. Or to fight fire with fire - for example, "well he may make more money than me but he has a small penis".

Anyway, regardless of how natural this may be, my only point was that it doesn't sound very healthy to do these comparisons and it also reinforces destructive views on body image - e.g. worth as a partner or lover depends on penis size, boob size, etc.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I am sending a link for you how and when to tell your children. It is not the only one out there, l just typed " tell your children about divorce" you know you don't have to smile when the cheating X shows up to visit the children. It's maybe ok to let them know your sad but you will continue to care for them and never leave them. But there is so much information out there on this l hope this helps.

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/kids-and-divorce-an-age-by-age-guide/

Understand this your are not a tin man, but if flesh and blood. With hurt and love, and should not have to smile while the cheater visits.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

NeverGoingBack said:


> My mind movies aren’t directed towards comparison and I agree with your point as well. Mine are just seeing my wife happy and making love to another man. I’ve worked really hard at dismissing these thoughts and the only reason I believe it’s working and not an issue currently is because he’s not around right now. Hopefully when he’s returned I’ll be healed enough to not think that way but the first time seeing them together is going to kill me. I’m trying to just let it all go but it’s def not easy. Time heals everything so I’m just counting my blessings being grateful for the loving and supportive children that I have and just trying to get through the days.


But it's still assuming they are happy. And they are making love. Who knows. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore. My points isn't just about things like penis or boob size.

God bless you and to heal, focus on yourself and your children. I'm sure it's not an easy road that you have ahead but we're here for you and I will pray for you.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

JustTheWife said:


> NeverGoingBack said:
> 
> 
> > My mind movies aren’t directed towards comparison and I agree with your point as well. Mine are just seeing my wife happy and making love to another man. I’ve worked really hard at dismissing these thoughts and the only reason I believe it’s working and not an issue currently is because he’s not around right now. Hopefully when he’s returned I’ll be healed enough to not think that way but the first time seeing them together is going to kill me. I’m trying to just let it all go but it’s def not easy. Time heals everything so I’m just counting my blessings being grateful for the loving and supportive children that I have and just trying to get through the days.
> ...


You’re right I’m still assuming things I have no idea about. Sometimes when my daughter is there she will hear them on the phone and tell me thing like “mom said why do you have to be so perfect” she’s 8 and I know she doesn’t know any better so I just had to let her know nicely “honey you don’t need to let me in on your mothers conversation, if she is happy be happy for her”. I mean that as well, I don’t want my daughter to grow to resent her. My daughter has always been a daddy’s girl and has always taken my side and chosen me. I love that we have an amazing bond but I don’t want her to feel like she has to be mean to her mom or avoid her mom because of this. 

It was hard to play that off, it was like a dagger going right through my heart. My focus right now is strictly on my kids and getting them through this difficult change. I’m not so focused on myself right now, somewhat I guess but my focus is on them. I also appreciate the prayers. I have been doing so much praying lately and have left it all in God’s hands. The more prayers I get maybe God will show me a sign.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, so she thinks a felon drug addict is perfect, eh?? NGB you didnt stand a chance!  LOL! Sorry but you gotta laugh when someone is so incredilbley stupid.... Your poor daughter, way too innocent to be getting dragged into her mother's crap pile.


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, so she thinks a felon drug addict is perfect, eh?? NGB you didnt stand a chance! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" ></a> LOL! Sorry but you gotta laugh when someone is so incredilbley stupid.... Your poor daughter, way too innocent to be getting dragged into her mother's crap pile.


Trust me I’m about to the point where all I can do is laugh. I’m just so grateful and I mean SO grateful that my daughter is in my life as much as she is. One positive thing about my WW is that she has never threatened to or used my daughter as a weapon against me as I see so much of and am still a part of with my sons mother. His mother always made threats how I’d never get to see him which was a huge red flag to get rid of her and get to court. She tried her hardest to fulfill those promises which I find so evil unless there is a valid reason. 

I do agree that I never stood a fighting chance. She’s a woman that I’ll never truly understand. She will still say things like even though we’re not together I love u and you’re good to us. Comments like those made me realize I never stood a chance. She just has to have a man stroking her ego constantly and if she feels it’s not enough she moves on to a new man. She lives for that initial spark like her new partner lives for his next fix of drugs. I’m still very much involved in my step daughters life who I have actually been wanting to adopt for yrs if her deadbeat dad would come to agree to it. Now with a divorce in front of me I don’t know how to proceed with that? I just hate that my 2 wonderful daughters have to suffer over her selfishness.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you been doing any reading on narcissism?


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## NeverGoingBack (Oct 29, 2019)

Chaparral said:


> Have you been doing any reading on narcissism?


I have done quite a bit of reading on it in the past because of my sons mother. She is absolutely a narcissist but has always refused to admit anything is wrong with her. She is very good at acting in public like she has the perfect life but my son tells me stories sometimes when he comes to stay with me and let's just say I dodged a major bullet by not marrying her. I honestly feel sorry for her husband who is a good man and puts up with things no husband should have to. They have have had their own children since getting married and I guess he is just willing to put up with it for the sake of his family. She was the only woman who had me running for the hills.

As for my WW, I'm not sure if she is one or not. With her it's hard to tell because she suffers horrible anxiety and also ptsd so she has a lot of deep rooted issues. I've always been willing to get her any help she needed and stand right by her side through it all. Sometimes I have guilt that I have failed as a husband for the fact I didn't push harder to getting her help when I saw our marriage falling apart. After being together so long I just kind of grew comfortable and content and didn't realize things had gotten as bad as they had. If only we both would have communicated better I wouldn't be here writing any of this.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

NeverGoingBack said:


> . If only we both would have communicated better I wouldn't be here writing any of this.


We all fall short in our relationships and marriages, but what you have done in recognizing this, is that you have grown much. In your loss. You will really really be fine, and mourning is necessary in grief.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

I tried sending you a p.m. wouldn't go through.

Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


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## 67yearsyoung (Dec 10, 2019)

I can appreciate how the thoughts keep coming. This event is a big deal for you and would be for anyone. It pushes many emotional buttons. The recurring thoughts are an indication that your mind and heart are trying to process what happened, what it means, and what it says about you and your relationship. You can try to push down the thoughts, but they will probably keep coming back is some way or another. I suggest you consider talking with a therapist or counselor to process what happened. A lot of men think that feelings are unmanly and that a "real man" should be able to compartmentalize and just get on with it. You've ben wounded. You can't just sweep the hurt away. The unprocessed stuff is not only affecting you now, it could affect your future relationships. Please consider getting some professional support to hep get you through this. There may be something important to learn here.


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## SoccerDad15 (Dec 10, 2019)

That sounds awful man. I'm really sorry you are so hurt. Your situation is probably one of the reasons I haven't thrown in the towel with my wife. I may not be the best person to give you advice, but I have been thinking about this particular topic for a while. 

The jealousy you are experiencing is completely normal. You need to get yourself into the position to move on and find somebody new. Based on research I've done that can take a while, which is excruciating to think you will have to live with these thoughts and that pain for a while. 
It will go fast though. Immerse yourself in friends and family. Start working out, if you already work out, work out harder. Do things you enjoy and that you are good at to boost your confidence. Get to a place where you can start meeting other woman. You'll eventually meet somebody who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and eventually you'll look back in disbelief of how hung up you were on your Ex.


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