# Help Let me know if i am wrong....PLEASE HELP I NEED INPUT



## krew26 (Nov 18, 2009)

Hello everyone,

Me and my wife have been fighting way to much due to possible controlling issues. Her father is a jerk and has always treated her and her mom like dirt and kept my wife sheltered. before we began dating she suffered through a major depression and panic attacks due to an ex boyfriend that always put med school in-front of her. We are now married it has been four months now and every time i ask her what's wrong or what she was doing at work, or even ask her what she was talking to her mother about her answers are always the same very nothing. Now i understand that it may be personal and she doesn't want to tell me, but I'm talking about stupid conversations like what she had for lunch for example. She says I'm like a cop and always want to be nosy she has admitted that she has more control of her self and it gets to her head since now her father is not telling her what to do. when we first got married i always helped her with the stupidest things and she would get offended for example going to the car and getting something for her so she would have to do it she flips out that she could do things for her self I am only trying to be sweat. Is it wrong of me wanting to be helpful and involved in her life? Why is it always a problem when i ask her something? We have to get into a fight for her to answer me. Is this wrong? Should i but out and not care? It doesn't help either that i get aggravated and upset when she's one worded with me either but i have hit a wall and don't know what to do! It's only been 4 months since we have been married!! Please help me!!!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

You might tell her that you're still new at the "husband" thing, and so you're probably not going to do it perfectly. (Assuming this next part is true Also tell her that your parents' marriage is the most visible model of what marriages are like, and maybe that model isn't going to be the best one for the two of you, but it is where you're starting from. Tell her what parts you think are good, and what parts you want to do differently.

Ask her what her model of a marriage is. Is it based on her parents', or on something else. Ask what things about it she things you two should keep, and what things she wants to do differently.

That may be a very productive discussion for you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just ask her non-specific things -- how was your day? And then let your questions arise from there.

My husband asks me what I'm thinking a lot. When I don't want to tell him, I tell him that I don't want to tell him. Not every thought is ready for prime time. Not every thought is even worthy of passing through my stupid mind a second time. So I don't like when he does that because it puts me on the spot. But, I also don't let it wreck my day. I tell him, "I don't want to tell you" or "it is fleeting and not valid" or, "not everything has to do with you." The latter is true. I can feel happy, sad, depressed, elated, neutral and have it be nothing to do with my relationship with my husband.

I think the most important thing is to convey the relevance to the other party. Whether they are willing to believe you is another matter and often has nothing to do with your truthfulness. (But believe me, truthfulness is important.)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

_Can_ you just back off? If what she needs is for you to not insist that she shares the details of her day, or that you don't jump to help her with something if she hasn't asked, can you do that? Or are you going to feel somehow rejected?

Went through this with my wife - she too had incredible emotional damage done by her parents. She masked her self-esteem issues under the facade of self-confidence. 

Here is the summary, consider it, weigh it, decide if it is similar.

- Asking about her day isn't interpreted as interest in her well being or a means to connect. She views it as an interrogation. She believes she is being asked for an accounting of what she did, that in turn will only generate more questions. To her this is about judgment and control, not conversational interest.

- Doing nice or gentlemanly things for her are interpreted that she is incapable of doing them herself. She neither wants, nor appreciates 'over-helping'. 

In it's worst form ...

- Because she does not want to be controlled, she looks to take control where she can. Providing you with affection, sex, or validation are the easiest points to assume control in the relationship. (This may not even be a concious decision on her part)

- As her husband, you WANT to know how she feels, what she thinks ... you want to be emotionally close, you want to please her, you want her to please you. The more she witholds, the more frustrated you become - you continue to pursue her love and attention, she feels smothered and withdraws further. You feel rejected and frustrated and wonder why the fucryin out loud you got married in the first place.

- You both become angry, bitter, and divorce.

This all can be avoided but it means you both need to make changes. 

You need to ditch the notion that acting like Prince Charming makes you wonderful and she just doesn't get it. Behavior that you perceive to be loving, dutiful, and commited, she may interpret as needy, smothering, and controling.

She needs to either understand, or reconcile the difference between what was done to her, and the fact that to be in love, and married, requires intimacy and being connected - which means trust, sharing, and communicating. 

I don't doubt that you could go years under the current conditions. I did. But in the end, you aren't building anything positive. All you both will build is disdain and resentment for one another.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The above poster said it all. I so agree, it seems the 2 of you are not compatable at all. And change will need to come, cause you will never understand her , you are wired differently and because of her past, she will not let you in or even allow you to get communitively intimate. A shame. Why did you get married knowing she was already like this. I am the wife who is always asking questions to my husband and he does not mind at all. Sometimes I get a little mad cause he does not ask me much. It is sooo important that you share with each other, and all the things you desire in doing what you do --IS SOOOOO normal and GOOD.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

A lot of people do not want to talk about work once they are out of the office. Kind of a more crap, different day theory.

And a lot of women, especially newlywed, call mom to ***** about their husbands. So of course she is not going to tell you what she said.

You don't need inside her head so much. 

Take up other interests besides pumping her for information.

In fact, I'd venture to say that you should limit your conversations with her quite a bit.

At some point she'll realize that you are no longer interested in her at all. And then she'll start in with the questions on you.

It's a silly game, but it's being play out by the both of you.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Following up on what I wrote earlier, you noted that sometimes it may be personal and she doesn't want to tell you. But I only noticed that on a reread. Maybe she doesn't realize that you recognize such boundaries?

You should explicitly tell her: "If I ask you about your phone call with your mother, and it's something personal you don't want to tell me, that's okay. Just say 'it was between us', and that's fine. I'm not trying to be a cop, or a prosecutor; I'm just interested in you. You fascinate me. I don't want to never ask you about anything, or make you feel like I'm neglecting you or take you for granted. It's okay if you don't want to tell me about stuff with your family, or if something at work has you stressed out and you don't want to talk about it because that makes you think about it. I feel bad when I ignore you, and I feel bad when I make you angry, because being angry is so much _work_, and because it darkens our time together. You don't have to be angry; you can just say "it was personal", or "I don't want to think about work", and that's fine. I'm not going to shine a light bulb in your face until you confess, I'm just trying to welcome you home and reconnect."


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## i wish... (Nov 29, 2009)

i like that you actually care about what's wrong, or what's going on. not enough people care!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

She sounds like she's in her early 20s and hasn't learned how to be in an adult relationship. Giving one word answers is rude, and I doubt she would treat a friend the same way. As for what to do, I don't know.


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