# Don't know what to do



## SMV023 (Jun 15, 2012)

Hello All,

History: My wife and I have been together for 11 years. We dated for 2 years and married for 9 years. We have a beautiful 8 year old daughter. A year after our daughter was born, things started to go down hill. No infidelity and no abuse. We both have our moments but one thing that really annoys her is my issue with keeping the house really clean at all time (OCD?). She said she hasn't been happy for a while. I've been trying to change my ways but slowly. My sister secretly told me a few days ago that she is buying a house nearby. I really don't want her to leave and I don't know what to do. I've been looking around for a LMFT and set an appointment for next Monday. I've never been to therapy before so it may or may not help.

Thanks for listening


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Get "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis.

Understand the 180 and start doing it. You have already said you are changing to address your shortcomings.

When (if) she moves out, set ground rules for your separation, dating, money, child visitation. And go dark, No Contact (NC).

By doing the 180 and eventually NC, you will be preparing for your future with or without her and she will be forced to acknowledge what she is losing. May or may not have a change of heart, who cares.

This strategy is not to force reconcilliation (R), rather to move you towards whatever your future will be.

Good luck and I am sorry you are dealing with this.

We all survive and thrive,
Stretch


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stretch said:


> Get "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis.
> 
> Understand the 180 and start doing it. You have already said you are changing to address your shortcomings.
> 
> ...


Going dark or no contact might have its place at times, but if there hasn't been infidelity and you're not trying to make a stand, I think it can make things worse. Especially when you're trying to demonstrate that you realize that your behaviour may have impacted your spouses decision to leave, and you're actively trying to address your issues. As well, for many guys, a complaint their wives may have is that they don't communicate or show their love. In which case again, the no contact thing can have the opposite effect than is desired.

If it was me, I'd do some reading up on "walk away wives". Start your therapy, and commit to doing it for yourself, no matter what. If you seriously think your wife is going to bolt soon, talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself legally. I think your best bet is to stay as close to her as you can (same house), and demonstrate to her that you're serious about fixing yourself. Then you can talk to her about fixing your marriage.

C


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She's leaving because you are a clean-freak?:scratchhead:

Surely there is more to the story....


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

The "I haven't been happy for a long time" is cheater script. 

Believe it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

helolover said:


> The "I haven't been happy for a long time" is cheater script.
> 
> Believe it.


That "no infidelity" part deserves further study.


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## SMV023 (Jun 15, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I don't believe it's another man. I could be wrong. We both have the icloud "find my iphone" on our phones so no unusual movements, we're still in the same bed so I check her texts and call records, and I have her email access. If she's cheating, she's a pro. No history of cheating. I feel really bad for spying on her but I needed know.

As I look back at our relationship, I feel that we drifted apart after our daughter was born. All I did was concentrate on our daughter to give her everything I never had when I was a kid. With work, mortgage and family expenses, we fell into a routine. We have annual family vacations and mini ones in between but never time alone. As we drifted apart, little things became big issues. I looked back at the cards she use to write me (first year of dating) and I found a PS line that made me sad. It said, "I know you like the house to be spotless and I'm not always that clean. Don't be so anal, live a little." That was the only flaw she saw in me at the time. I've gotten better but doesn't look like it's enough.

I'm very consistent about working out (gym) even before we met. But will need reach out to my friends for comfort soon. My sisters are pretty close to here so I don't know how that's going to work out. 

Looks like she is moving forward with buying a house nearby (she still keeping it a secret). Part of me wants to believe that she is using it as a home away from home but I don't think it's the case. It's for her to move on.

I never wanted this for my daughter. 

Sorry for rambling but it's going to be a tough year.


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## SMV023 (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm still here waiting for the "moving out" speech. But in the mean time, I've been working on my attitude and prepping myself for it. Spending lots of quality time with my daughter. In my head, I'm already thinking how to rearrange the furniture of the house. I know tough times are coming and I do still think about the last of everything (last summer, holidays, vacations, etc.). My main focus right now is my daughter.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

My H was a pro as well. I checked his e-mails on his phone, checked all of his text messages and phone calls. We slept in the same bed as well. I also 110% didn't believe he was cheating on me and was getting pretty angry with the people on TAM for keep bringing up an affair. Well you know what? He was cheating on me. He ended up getting a 2nd e-mail address and using Google Chat and Google voice to communicate with the OW. That way the messages didn't show up on text and neither did the phone calls. It all went through his cell phone web browser. Also, she lives in another state (he met her while out of town with his brother). So he wasn't unaccountable on an every day basis.

I know you don't want to believe that she's cheating....I was exactly in the same boat, but it is a very very good possibility.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

also....I just had our first baby...she's about 9 months now. I spent all my time caring for our daughter, working full time, and finishing up grad school. My H didn't do anything to help with the baby. In my opinion, that led to him feeling neglected and that's why he sought out attention from someone else.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

She could also have her eye on someone and instead of cheating in the marriage is prepping to cheat? It's a possibility.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer yet to figure out your rights and responsibilities? Might not be a bad idea to do that before the sh1t hits the fan. 

C


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> Have you talked to a lawyer yet to figure out your rights and responsibilities? Might not be a bad idea to do that before the sh1t hits the fan.
> 
> C


:iagree::iagree:

get your ducks in a row sooner rather than later.


she is spending money that could be divided in a settlement on that house.

protect your self. she is planning behind your back.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Are you in a community property state? If so I would think her new house would be half yours. Not very smart buying a new house while legally married.


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## SMV023 (Jun 15, 2012)

Thank you all for the suggestions. I will definitely talk to a lawyer soon. She came from a family with money so it's not hard for her to access funds. I'm not too worried because she's has alot more then me, but I don't want any of it. I just want my family.

I've been reading a lot on this forum and everything sounds familiar:

When we first met, I didn't put her on a pedestal like everyone did. I was a challenge and always doing something every time she called (even though sometimes i was just watching tv). 

After a while with a family and responsibilities I gave up my manhood to keep my family happy. I was always there for them. I gave up hanging with my friends. I was a changed man.

I need to find myself and be a better man. Easier said than done but I will try. Tough times ahead, including sleepless nights and flashbacks to the way things use to be.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Your tale is all too familiar here. IDK what is up with some women who can just walk away from the relationship that they wanted in the first place.

Marriage isn't bean bag, and you don't cure headaches by decapitation. I guess some people have a different way of keeping vows and promises. 

Its not you, it's her. Get over her and move on.


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