# sensitive subject..long post (sorry)



## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

I havent been on here in a couple years. Probably because I just gave up. It was easier to go through the motions than deal with my problems, and I am sorry for that. 

Anyhow, about a month ago my husband and I had a terrible fight. He was drunk. This entire argument started over they way i was preparing lunch. It was a wonder I could even make lunch considering I had been so sick the week before. Anyway, he grabbed the pans off the stove and threw everything away outside. Of course when he came back in the house the argument continued. He got so mad he threw me into the dining room table. I have a big lead glass cake plate on top of my table. My nose hit it and cracked. From there he pulled me by my hair into the living room. I got away and called 911. The adrenaline was so high I didnt realize exactly what happened to my nose. Police came and he denied it. They basically told him there is NO WAY i could have caused that injury to myself. They got my statement and my 18 year old son. My son was in his room and told them he didnt see anything but heard me screaming. My heart is still broken by this. 

I called his mom, who blamed me. She said between what I buy on amazon.com, my son in college, and husbands work hours, he was pushed to that point. She said I deliberately upset him. I went to court the next day. His mother was there and bonded him out. I didnt realize she was going to go. She told me that morning "you better have your butt in that court room to show support for ****" Then she called me and said she was going because "i just cant concentrate until I know **** is ok" The court hearing was the day after the fight so both eyes were black and nose significantly swollen. My mother in law told me "its not THAT bad" and "you can cover it up" She said "you made it sound like you had two HUGE black eyes"

My husband has sworn off drinking and was ordered to 1 year of counseling, plus a fine. . He wants everything back to normal , minus the drinking. 

I am not sure what to do. I really do not know if he is truly sorry or stressed he was caught. I know for certain without alcohol involved this would have never happened. 

My son graduates and leaves for the army in a few months. Not sure this is the time to turn everything upside down.

Also holidays are coming up. I really dont think my relationship with my mother in law can ever be repaired. I know for a fact I could never look at an injured human being, knowing my child hurt them and blame the person hurt. Im actually more angry at her. Which is stupid. At least I can say my husband was drunk. She is sober and is saying I brought this on. Husband is 180 lbs and I am 120 lbs. Not once did she ask if i was alright, needed a doctor or most of all how my son was handling the situation. All of the concern has been about my husband. 

My husbands defense is that he was drunk..plain and simple thats it. He hast drank since this happened. I cant get over it though.

On top of everything, the incident was publicized in our community. My sister texted me that "due to the drama we wont be spending the holidays anywhere around you" I cant say that I blame her. 

So here we are/ Tomorrow is thanksgiving and once again I am biting my lip to get through a day in light of my "real life"


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Report this violent [email protected]@rd and nail his butt to the wall. Get yourself out of there asap. Consult an attorney asap. And by the way, nail the MIL's a$$ to the wall to for interfering with the course of justice and asking you to perjure yourself in court.

Seriously there is absolutely no reason for you to stay!!!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The MIL is a non issue for you at the moment, she is going to live in her bubble and support her son.

You need to take control of YOUR life right now, what your husband did is beyond wrong. It would be a year before I let him back in the home, if he was lucky and proved his sobriety. More than likely that attack would be a deal breaker forever, I don't think I would have that kind of forgiveness. I would think there is an automatic restraining order in effect, correct? Use that to your advantage, do not allow him in the house no matter how he begs.

The rage that is in him wasn't caused by drinking, that rage is simmering inside him, being drunk was just the trigger that let it loose. He needs to get professional help before you should even talk about your marriage issues. And you should get some help also. 

No matter what is happening in your marriage you didn't deserve to get your face bloodied, your don't deserve to be made to feel the beating was your fault.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I am sorry to hear that this happen to you .

Even if you are touching his nerves , making him furious ; he HAS NEVER the right to HIT you .
NEVER EVER ,

I have been in an awfal marriage in 17 years and the only time I hit my wife on the Butt was when she slapped me ...

It is not a justification or excuse that he was drunk ; now if you opt to work on fixing him you should do the following :

1) make sure that first you have alternatives to support yourself if you are not already , he shouldn't be sure that you are staying because you don't have options .

2) once 1 is met , you need to make sure that he understand that if he does it again you will leave , or he leaves .

3) if he is abiding by not drinking again , and he is really regretfull , then assure him that you will be at his side , but he should listen to you .

if I were you , I would followup the above , if he slips , don't blink , throw the towel .

best


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

manfromlamancha said:


> Report this violent [email protected]@rd and nail his butt to the wall. Get yourself out of there asap. Consult an attorney asap. And by the way, nail the MIL's a$$ to the wall to for interfering with the course of justice and asking you to perjure yourself in court.
> 
> Seriously there is absolutely no reason for you to stay!!!!


thank you! the police took him to jail. His mom bonded him out the next day. She never asked me to lie. She said I put my problems off on other people and I better be there to support him. 

he said what happened isnt "domestic violence" because he never hit me. I guess throwing me into the table and pulling me by my hair is a "talking to" in his book. 

I just have to get through the holidays. My son is coming home from the air force and I cant bare to put another one of my sons through this.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

one more thing , he should be punished from your side ;and until he is normal again and you feel confortable he should not get intimate to you .I would say 3 month kick out from home is fair only if he is feel regretting it , otherwise kick him forever


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## rosesarered (Oct 20, 2011)

Dear, This is really past the boundaries of acceptable. You cannot stay in a marriage like this. One of you may end up dead or hurt very badly. He could have killed you that day.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your MIL doesn't care about you, not even a little, so while it may seem like a shock to you that she would blame you for your husband hitting you, it really shouldn't be. She loves him, she doesn't give a flying f*ck about you. Accept this, forget about her, she's not worth the time of day.

As for what you should do now... well, your son sat in his room ignoring his mother screaming. What does that tell you about your marriage and the damage it has done to your relationship with your son? Yet you want to stay for HIS SAKE?! REALLY?!


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

breeze said:


> Your MIL doesn't care about you, not even a little, so while it may seem like a shock to you that she would blame you for your husband hitting you, it really shouldn't be. She loves him, she doesn't give a flying f*ck about you. Accept this, forget about her, she's not worth the time of day.
> 
> As for what you should do now... well, your son sat in his room ignoring his mother screaming. What does that tell you about your marriage and the damage it has done to your relationship with your son? Yet you want to stay for HIS SAKE?! REALLY?!


Dear lord, i didnt even think of it that way. I really wanted to fix everything. Im so stupid.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Cooper said:


> The rage that is in him wasn't caused by drinking, that rage is simmering inside him, being drunk was just the trigger that let it loose.


^^^ That.

Alcohol is a disinhibitor. It's like a truth drug for getting at character traits that bubble just below the surface. Happy people don't become violent drunks.

You have further proof of his simmering resentment, courtesy of your panicking MIL. The LIST of things of things you've allegedly done wrong to ruin her poor boy's life.

There are few things more revealling than somebody coming at you out of the blue with a list. It tells you that you've been monitored. That people have been talking about you behind you back. That for self-serving reasons they haven't come to you over each little resentment - instead preferring to deceive you into thinking everything is OK.

I'm sorry about your face,, but this should serve as a great (black) eye opener. His drinking disinhibited both him and his mom,, and delivered you a great big dose of reality.

BOTH of them resent you to a point of fury. They gossip and scheme behind your back. She will support her son's every immature thought and action rather than help him be an adult. Probably cuz she's jealous of you and/or thinks you aren't good enough for him.

The reason doesn't matter. Their collective resentment fuels itself making it much harder for you to effect any change.

He may stop drinking but that underlying resentment will still be there and encouraged by his mom. Hard to say exactly what they want but a quiet, low-maintenance doormat, catering to his every whim would be somewhere close. Even then,, with them winding each other up about you, they'll never struggle to find 'faults'.

Being attacked should concern you,, but don't let the alcohol blind you to what's really going on.

He's literally a mommy's boy and she doesn't like you. Thanks to her rearing and ongoing fire stoking neither does he.

He may never hit you again, but you should consider whether you want to stay with a man and extended family who don't like you. There are plenty of non-violent, considerate and respectful men out there who won't mind you doing a bit of Amazon shopping (cuz it saves us from doing it).

Your unfortunate assault has gifted you a lot of useful information. Use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Ansley said:


> My sister texted me that "due to the drama we wont be spending the holidays anywhere around you"


Wonderful. So it's not just HIS family...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's never the "right time" to leave an abuser.

Thats the fear talking.

The reality is before the abuse started was the right time to leave. Now that it has happened forget about the excuses. No amount of stress should cause him to do that to you.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

You need to get out of there. By staying, you are teaching your son it is OK to beat a woman like that. As others have said, it is never the "right time." But, the time is now to make it happen. Either get a restraining order and keep him out, or you get out to a safe place.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ansley said:


> I havent been on here in a couple years. Probably because I just gave up. It was easier to go through the motions than deal with my problems, and I am sorry for that.
> 
> Anyhow, about a month ago my husband and I had a terrible fight. He was drunk. This entire argument started over they way i was preparing lunch. It was a wonder I could even make lunch considering I had been so sick the week before. Anyway, he grabbed the pans off the stove and threw everything away outside. Of course when he came back in the house the argument continued. He got so mad he threw me into the dining room table. I have a big lead glass cake plate on top of my table. My nose hit it and cracked. From there he pulled me by my hair into the living room. I got away and called 911. The adrenaline was so high I didnt realize exactly what happened to my nose. Police came and he denied it. They basically told him there is NO WAY i could have caused that injury to myself. They got my statement and my 18 year old son. My son was in his room and told them he didnt see anything but heard me screaming. My heart is still broken by this.
> 
> ...


First, let me say this and I want you to pay close attention. I am in my late 50's and pretty much lived a lot of life. My father was a raging alcoholic and we lived together after mom died for many years. I have also seen other drunks as well. All that to say if he will do this to you drunk, then he will do so sober. Drinking is no excuse and if he uses it as one, then he is a bald faced liar. And you have no business putting up with it.

As to your mother in law, she is also part of the problem. A large part. 

So here is my suggestion.

Take the holidays off and away from the marriage. He and his mother need to think this over. He has to understand that this marriage is hanging by a thread and it isn't up to you to salvage it- it's up to him. And he also has to fully understand that his mother's intrusions and manipulations have got to stop fully and forever. So, the following is a minimum:

1) He becomes a lifetime member of AA.
2) He makes it clear to his mother, and keeps this promise, to support you 100% and if she can't then she is not welcome at your house and any kids you may have still at home are not going to her place to be manipulated. She has to mind her own business and make an equal effort to get along.
3) The next time he raises a hand to you, he goes to jail and the marriage is over.
4) You will own up to your mistakes and the both of you will attend marital counseling.

Look, this is far more serious than you may realize. The entire situation has to change.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Wonderful. So it's not just HIS family...



Nope..the hits just keep on coming


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

I appreciate all of you so much. This wont be easy but has be done. Since he didnt technically hit me he says its not domestic violence. his mother even asked me what I hit when he threw me. I showed her the crack in the cake plate. She said " I can see how an accident like that could occur" I wish I had options but truthfully I dont.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: sensitive subject..long post (sorry)*



Ansley said:


> I appreciate all of you so much. This wont be easy but has be done. Since he didnt technically hit me he says its not domestic violence. his mother even asked me what I hit when he threw me. I showed her the crack in the cake plate. She said " I can see how an accident like that could occur" I wish I had options but truthfully I dont.


His opinion doesn't really matter. If he choked you, that wouldn't be domestic violence? Or if he pushed you down the stairs? 

C


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> He may never hit you again, but you should consider whether you want to stay with a man and extended family who don't like you. There are plenty of non-violent, considerate and respectful men out there who won't mind you doing a bit of Amazon shopping (cuz it saves us from doing it).
> 
> Your unfortunate assault has gifted you a lot of useful information. Use it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is it exactly.

Suppose for a minute he really does swear off alcohol. It doesn't for a moment change the fact that all the booze did in the first place was take the lid off the huge pot of hate and anger underneath it. Remove the alcohol, and it just puts the lid back on the pot.

You deserve to be with someone who's pot is full of love for you.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ansley said:


> I appreciate all of you so much. This wont be easy but has be done. Since he didnt technically hit me he says its not domestic violence. his mother even asked me what I hit when he threw me. I showed her the crack in the cake plate. She said " I can see how an accident like that could occur" I wish I had options but truthfully I dont.


That's because it wasn't an accident. He threw you into it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What kind of person gets so angry about lunch being prepared that they throw the pans out outside and then throw their wife on a table, breaking her nose and glass plates?

The kind who you leave--period!

Get away from him.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You have options and you really should exercise them. 
He needs to wake up to the idea that this is wrong and he needs to start addressing his anger and abuse issues.

This is a learned thing.

The thing that really horrifies me is your boys reaction.
Either he thinks this is okay behavior or your husband is a tyrant.

Either way, something MUST change.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

I have to agree with what most others have already stated here. Happy people don't get angry when they're drunk. Alcohol is a dis-inhibitor as someone else stated, he obviously has been harboring violent urges and thoughts toward you for a while. He got drunk and a silly argument triggered the violence to actually happen. My husband and I have been through some rough times, times that could easily trigger violence in a lesser man. But he has *never* raised a hand to me out of anger.

If you're seriously considering trying to get this to work, there are some things that need to happen:

1. You need to make a vow to yourself that you will not accept or tolerate domestic violence of any sort.
2. He needs to admit that what he did *was* domestic violence. Just because he didn't punch you doesn't mean he didn't act violently toward you. It's never an accident when you throw someone's face into a cake plate.
3. He needs to swear off the booze once and for all.
4. He needs to tell his mother to stop making excuses for him and accept what he's done.

If those things can't happen, then I'd say it's time to leave. You don't want to set an example for your kids that what he did was ok, and if you let him get away with it without something changing that's exactly the message you're sending.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Also, I noticed that in your subject line you apologize for the post being long, as if you feel guilty for even attempting to take our time to read this. We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to provide support to others in a tough situation. Never apologize for seeking help. *NEVER*. That's detrimental to your own mental well-being.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband's family will forever blame you for your face landing where it did. None of them will ever admit that was domestic violence. But who cares what they think or admit. It was and you know it and we know it. The question is -- what's your plan? Because you definitely need one. I can tell you what mine would be -- get out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get away and get help.

There is absolutely nothing to consider.

He is not even owning what he did.

I am too angry to give non violent advice.

LEAVE!!

I saw too many things happen to my mother and it marked me for life.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Get away and get help.
> 
> There is absolutely nothing to consider.
> 
> ...


No he is not. Im having recurring headaches and my boss wants to do an MRI. He said "everyone just needs to quit talking about it. this wont go away until everyone just forgets it happened" WTF...nice try

I am so sorry about what you and your mom went through. Thanks to you and everyone on here I see things much differently.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ansley said:


> Dear lord, i didnt even think of it that way. I really wanted to fix everything. Im so stupid.


You are not stupid, but you really do need to start changing the way you think.

Your husband gets drunk and throws you into a table and drags you around by your hair and he thinks this is just something that will blow over if people stopped talking about it.

Your MIL tells you that you brought it on yourself.

Your sister abandons you at Christmas, calling what has happened to you 'drama'.

Your son sits in his room ignoring his mother's screams.

Do you see the sort of people you have around you? Do you see how their apathy, violent actions and acceptance of violence have affected your son?

Scenario: Let's surround you with people who are the sort of people who any person needs to have in their life:

Husband - gets drunk on the odd occasion, might get a bit silly/melancholy/tired and goes and sleeps it off. Or even more likely, gets fairly horny and chases you around the house (in a good way)

MIL - Thinks of you as a friend, not just the woman her son married and cares about your well being.

Sister - Would run to your side if you were hurt or going through a tough time, would want to be there for you on Christmas to make sure you felt loved and important to her.

Son - would be horrified if he heard his mother screaming, would run to her aid.

You need to start changing the way you think, start looking for people who can add value to your life. Cut out the cancerous people in your life. I'm not sure what you can do for your son at his age, but seeing his mother get out of this rut, seeing you change your life for the better would surely be something he would learn from.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was a pleasant surprise. My son had to work so we had our thanksgiving dinner on wednesday. I knew since we did my husband and mother in law would try to bully me into going to the thanksgiving at his brothers house. I had a missed call and voice mail from mother in law. I didnt return the call. I listened to the voice mail which was creepy. Syrupy sweet. Mind you, when havent spoke since I told her the Xray confirmed my nose was cracked. Her response was "hmmm" Anyhow, i deleted the voice mail and went back to watching the parade. Next my husbands phones rings. He told her we had thanksgiving the night before. Of course she started in on us having Thanksgiving with her. To my surprise, he told her in a nut shell "no way in hell" He went as far as to tell her not to put us down for Christmas either! OMG! He wasn't mean, just very to the point. He told her we are going to work on our marriage and it cant be done in the lions den. I was speechless. 

Still no drinking and he agreed to AA and counseling. I really pray he means it. I cant see him doing all that to pacify me.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Well that's a turn up!

I'll be genuinely shocked if he can sustain it,, but credit where it's due.

If he starts up with the blame game again come down hard on it and you never know. If it's sunk in that you won't tolerate his excesses, just maybe he'll behave himself to keep you.

Stay vigilant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

yeah, i dont know. Im so paranoid I even wondered if they didnt plan it for my benefit. sick huh? however, she is to selfish to sacrifice a major holiday to appease me. 

And, yes. I need to go today and open a account. I will make sure the statement is paperless so he doesnt see it in the mail.

I told him on wednesday that I couldnt see how this marriage could ever move forward. to many things have happened. the violence was just the icing. maybe he heard me/believed me. i dont know.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he admitted that what he did was domestic violence yet? Has he been doing the court ordered part of his sentence? 

C


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

He didn't use the term domestic violence. He just said he has been awful and will change . No on the counceling ( Court ordered) because he hasn't been assigned a councelor . He called his insurance about therapists in our network. He has a list written out . I hope it's not a bluff


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Fingers crossed for you Ansley. For many people, that incident would've been an absolute deal breaker, but I think things have been so bad for you in that marriage that you're desensitised to it (and obviously your son is desensitised to it). If my DH had done something like that, though I love him dearly and he's the father of my children, I'd have kicked him out, charged him with assault and started divorce proceedings. You don't forgive something like that because that goes against even basic survival instincts. If he can do it once, he could do it again, it's a line that has been crossed and you don't ever take that chance again. Next time could kill you. If you'd hit your head at a slightly different angle you could be dead right now. People should get only one chance in regards to violence against their spouse, ONLY one chance, and he's blown it.

I think it's very important you find help for yourself that doesn't include him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd cross my fingers for you too. But he still doesn't seem to be owning what he did. It's been a month since his hearing, and he hasn't started counselling... 

C


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

PBear said:


> I'd cross my fingers for you too. But he still doesn't seem to be owning what he did. It's been a month since his hearing, and he hasn't started counselling...
> 
> C


No because that was an arraignment. His next hearing is Dec 9. He will be assigned a counselor then. His attorney said he will be ordered to 52 weeks /1 year of counseling. That is why he contacted to insurance to find out who we can see if our network. 

He knows he has done this. Why on earth would he want me back if he truly believed I brought this on and set him up? I would run for the hills. you couldnt pay me to be in the same room as a person who would do that. I would demand a jury trial and probably counter sue. Sorry, I keep trying to make sense of it. I tell myself if he is taking steps I will too. We have been together 13 years. There has been way more good than bad. As stupid as I sound, that is what I am holding on to.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

He still isn't drinking. His mom hasn't tried to contact me. Yesterday when I spoke to my husband he never mentioned anything about his court date next week or anything that has happened. He is trying to be "normal" and has pushed his mom away without my encouragement. Sadly, I am the one not doing anything. No extra effort at all. I find myself dwelling and seething all the time. Resentments are the worst. I am a people pleaser to a fault. It drives me nuts that I know I cant fix this.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

He was sentenced to 1 year counseling, alcohol assessment, and a fine. 2 days later I was admitted to the hospital for a tumor that torsioned around my ovary. Emergency surgery. In his mind he was my knight in shining armor. Sadly, i wanted him to get the hell away.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ansley said:


> He was sentenced to 1 year counseling, alcohol assessment, and a fine. 2 days later I was admitted to the hospital for a tumor that torsioned around my ovary. Emergency surgery. In his mind he was my knight in shining armor. Sadly, i wanted him to get the hell away.



Only natural, years of neglect and abuse does not disappear over a few weeks, and it could take years to undo, and it could take years for you to unfortunately move on with or without him. His actions do not match what his patterns show. He better go through with the treatment if he wants to at least regain some self-respect. Even after the recommended treatment is over, he should personally seek a psychologist to help undo the years of issues he has. He should do this if your his wife or not. He should do it for himself.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ansley said:


> Sadly, I am the one not doing anything. No extra effort at all. I find myself dwelling and seething all the time. Resentments are the worst. I am a people pleaser to a fault. It drives me nuts that I know I cant fix this.



What do you want to fix, your resentment issues, or, your people pleaser persona? Those things are within your control. Your resentment is a defensive mechanism to protect you and emotionally shield you from further harm. It is still very early and the anger and resentment will not go away any time soon. Your people pleaser can be used to help out with charity. While in your personal life, you place your emotional well-being before others. It is a conscious effort, and it will take time to retrain yourself to react differently. You already are starting. You put your foot down, did you not. Changes come in increments and not over night.


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