# No Affection/Sexless Marriage



## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

Help! I need advice. We have been married for 31 years and have recently become empty nesters so you'd think we'd be swinging from the chandeliers...well far from it. My husband was never the extremely affectionate type but affection has been nonexistent for a long time now. I feel like we're roommates. He hasn't kissed me in 16 years!! I miss this so much. He never holds my hand, never hugs me, never slaps my butt when he walks by (like he used to). We go months without sex...once went a year. He used to love it when I initiated sex. Now he tells me not to. The thing is, I love him and I know he loves me but I am so lonely. He was in Desert Storm and suffers from PTSD so I'm sure this has a lot to do with it but our sex life was beautiful for 10 years after he got back. He goes to counseling for his PTSD and it has helped him cope with life better. I don't know what to do. I've tried discussing the lack of affection and sex with him but he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think he's not sexually attracted to me. I had a mommy makeover and look better than I ever have. Most people guess my age to be 10-15 years younger. He never compliments me although I get frequent compliments from other men and women. I love sex and fantasize about it all the time, however, a vibrator is not like a physical relationship and is getting rather routine. I have considered having an affair but I can't do that to my husband. He is so good in every other way...a good father and provider. It would be easier if he was a jerk. I can't count the number of nights I've cried myself to sleep. It's sad living with someone but at the same time feeling so completely alone... but even sadder thinking I may spend the rest of my life this way. I just want to be loved.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lonelylife10 said:


> He hasn't kissed me in 16 years!!


I was shocked when I read this.

So, serious question... any chance he's gay? This just isn't normal. Gay men can fake being straight for varying amounts of times, to varying degrees.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lonelylife10 said:


> It's sad living with someone but at the same time feeling so completely alone... but even sadder thinking *I may spend the rest of my life this way*.


That will only happen if you allow it to. 

You do NOT have to put up with this! You have every reason to leave this man, and many will say you should have left well over a decade ago. You deserve so much better than this. 

I know you said you won't, but please, do not have an affair. Trust me, it won't help at all. It will cause nothing but problems and it will make YOU feel even worse.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If he is not interested anymore, maybe it's time to go separate ways? Unless you are ok with no sex for the rest of your life... you'd be surprised to know how many people stop having sex with each other and are fine with it. Being together is more important than just sex (not my opinion)... another option would be couple counselling...


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

How old are you both?

Is your sex drive higher at the moment than it's previously been? It's just that you seem to have been living like this for some time, but are now feeling the pain and the craving for intimacy more now.
Maybe the recent change to being child free at home, has, like you say, emphasised this.

I can relate to the no affection and no kissing, and the cravings that this gap in your needs leads to. But in my marriage we did still used to have sex even without this.

You said that your husband asks you not to initiate sex. Why does he say this?

Does he have ED, or low testosterone?

Would increasing testosterone bring back affection and passion though? Probably not, as you said, he isn't very affectionate anyway.

If you give affection, like putting your arm around him, or slapping his ass whilst passing, does he receive and enjoy the affection from you?

Has he been put on anti depressants? Does he have depression? These can kill a sex drive.

But it's not just the sex you are missing. It's the connection.
How do you feel the rest of the marriage is outside this area?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

LonelyLife,

You wrote, *He hasn't kissed me in 16 years!! I miss this so much.*

I can relate to that.

Although I don't think I could have an affair, if I did and it consisted of passionate kissing and nothing else it would be very satisfying for me and will fill an enormous hole in my life.

I can deal with no sex more than I can deal with no kissing or passion, it eats away at us day by day and builds up year by year.

When I was a kid kissing in movies was icky, now I'm jealous when I see a well acted scene and I wonder when I see a couple walking down the street if they still kiss. 

Did your H have an affair at any time, or is he in one? An affair can cause someone to lose all affection for their spouse and it sometimes never returns. It could even have been an email/messaging etc emotional affair.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Erectile Dysfunction could be his problem. Men are sometimes ashamed or afraid to address it or admit to it. You may want to find a way to get him to get a blood workup.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I love sex and fantasize about it all the time, however, a vibrator is not like a physical relationship and is getting rather routine.


Is he aware that you use a vibrator and is that a topic that can be openly discussed?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lonelylife10 said:


> Help! I need advice. We have been married for 31 years
> 
> ........ He hasn't kissed me in 16 years!! I miss this so much. He never holds my hand, never hugs me, never slaps my butt when he walks by (like he used to). We go months without sex...once went a year.
> 
> ...


I hear you and my heart goes out to you. 

Let me share a little of my story and offer a few things that worked for me.

I recently celebrated my 49th wedding anniversary. About 10 years ago, I was in a sex starved marriage. I reached my breaking point. I had never been unfaithful to her. I promised myself that by a certain major milestone birthday, that I would be in a loving sexual relationship, but first I would try to fix my marriage. If I failed, I would at least know I tried and for trying I would be a better partner to the next woman in my life. I knew I needed to heal emotionally.

So I started reading every relationship book I could get my hands one. I felt like I was a victim of my frigid wie. After reading and studying many relationship books, I figured out that I was part of the problem and some of the things I had done wrong. I worked on fixing myself, mentally, physically, emotionally. I took up physical hobbies that i had abandoned early in my marriage. I lost a lot of weight and started dressing better and regaining pride in myself and who I was. I also worked on communicating my love to her in her love languages (See Chapman's 5 Languages of Love). In short I "got a life" (see MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage or for you the Sex Starved Wife).

After she noticed the changes in me and the way I was treating her. I told her that I was going to go to a sex therapist and would like her to go with me. We did and it was the best money we ever spent, far less expensive than two divorce attorney's. 

My advice to you is sit yourself down and read some of MW Davis books. You will find out that you are not alone that there are many people out there like you that have faced the same thing you have, but that some have found ways of changing their lives. Then work on getting a life to build your sense of confidence and self-esteem. The sexiest thing a woman (or man) can be is self confident and comfortable with who they are.

Next I would do some affirmations daily so that your reprogram your mind into believing that you are beautiful and worthy of being loved and that you do not need to be clingly or needy for sex.

Figure out your H's Love Languages and make sure that every day he feels loved and cherished. It is about his love languages and not yours. That was the most amazing insight for me. Sex is not a love language.

Then sit down with your H and tell him your needs. Ask him to talk to you about your needs and what he can do, as well as how much you love him and want to make your marriage work. Finally find a sex therapist to talk to with him.

Good luck.

For me, i have gone from a sex starved marriage to one where we typiclaly have sex twice a week and we are in our early 70's. One of the things I learned is that marriage and happiness are about compromise and focusing on what you have and not what you don't have. 

It has been well over 10 years since my wife kissed me in any kind of passionate way. When we talked about this, she told me that my face hurt her face when we kissed. You need to understand that you can't change your spouse. You can encourage them to change themself and reinforce any positive changes, but you will never get everything you want.

Again, good luck, you are not alone, there is hope. Work on healing yourself and you just might get lucky.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

StarFires said:


> Erectile Dysfunction could be his problem. Men are sometimes ashamed or afraid to address it or admit to it. You may want to find a way to get him to get a blood workup.


Yes. ED has definitely become a problem in the last couple of years. He finally admitted that's why he doesn't want me to initiate sex anymore. He's afraid he won't be able to. I talked to him last night and he has agreed to see a doctor about this issue. YAY! Maybe there's some hope after all.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lonelylife10 said:


> Yes. ED has definitely become a problem in the last couple of years. He finally admitted that's why he doesn't want me to initiate sex anymore. He's afraid he won't be able to. I talked to him last night and he has agreed to see a doctor about this issue. YAY! Maybe there's some hope after all.


What's his excuse for the other 14 years?


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

bobert said:


> I was shocked when I read this.
> 
> So, serious question... any chance he's gay? This just isn't normal. Gay men can fake being straight for varying amounts of times, to varying degrees.


 I've learned to "never say never" but I would be EXTREMELY shocked if he was. He has never shown interest in men and I hate to say it but is outspokenly homophobic. Years ago, he occasionally purchased nude magazines such as Playboy. I didn't have a problem with it because I would read them too. I think a lot of this has to do with his depression from PTSD and he started having problems with ED a couple of years ago.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I've learned to "never say never" but I would be EXTREMELY shocked if he was. He has never shown interest in men and I hate to say it but is outspokenly homophobic. Years ago, he occasionally purchased nude magazines such as Playboy. I didn't have a problem with it because I would read them too. I think a lot of this has to do with his depression from PTSD and he started having problems with ED a couple of years ago.


It's actually kind of common for very homophobic men to actually be gay. They are using that to try and hide being gay. Just saying... 

ED is not an excuse here. He hasn't kissed you in *16 years*. He doesn't hold your hand, etc. If his PTSD and depression is that bad and has been that bad for so long, then how is that being treated?


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

bobert said:


> What's his excuse for the other 14 years?


Good question. I have asked myself over and over "what happened during the time 


bobert said:


> What's his excuse for the other 14 years?


That's a good question. I have replayed it in my mind over and over to try and determine what happened 16 years ago that made things change. I come up blank every time.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

bobert said:


> It's actually kind of common for very homophobic men to actually be gay. They are using that to try and hide being gay. Just saying...
> 
> ED is not an excuse here. He hasn't kissed you in *16 years*. He doesn't hold your hand, etc. If his PTSD and depression is that bad and has been that bad for so long, then how is that being treated?


I threatened to leave if he didn't seek help for his PTSD. He finally agreed to see a doctor at the VA...and continued for 2-3 years but didn't feel it was helping. Then he started seeing a private doctor. My husband claimed he really connected because this doctor had experienced being in Desert Storm also so he felt more comfortable discussing it with him and felt he could relate. I have noticed a big improvement with his anger management and he has been able to stop taking some of his medication. He hasn't seen this doctor in at least 6 months and is convinced he can handle it on his own now. I feel he still needs lots of therapy and we could both benefit from marital counseling.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Desert Storm huh. So he is about my age. I had low T and had to start taking testosterone injections at 37. I had very little interest in sex, mostly was emotionally numb. No energy after work. Had trouble obtaining/ maintaining erection. 

When did sex decrease? Could resentmwnt be part of it? I know of some men who wives shut down and put all in to the kids and when kids are gone the dads have so much resentment. Or have themselves shut down and no longer see their wives as sexual creatures. Just room mates. 

My dad was so resentful of my mom he quit even brushing his teeth so she would not even try to kiss him. She was not interrested in sex any way.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I threatened to leave if he didn't seek help for his PTSD. He finally agreed to see a doctor at the VA...and continued for 2-3 years but didn't feel it was helping. Then he started seeing a private doctor. My husband claimed he really connected because this doctor had experienced being in Desert Storm also so he felt more comfortable discussing it with him and felt he could relate. I have noticed a big improvement with his anger management and he has been able to stop taking some of his medication. He hasn't seen this doctor in at least 6 months and is convinced he can handle it on his own now. I feel he still needs lots of therapy and we could both benefit from marital counseling.


It's good that he was making progress while in therapy. A person _does _have to connect with their therapist and that can take some trial and error. You realize that you will have to put your foot down again, right? He says that he can handle it on his own, and maybe _some_ things he can, but he clearly needs more help. Marriage counseling would also be a must. 

And like Divinely said above, resentment can destroy intimacy. If that's the issue then both IC and MC are needed to work through the resentment.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> I hear you and my heart goes out to you.
> 
> Let me share a little of my story and offer a few things that worked for me.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for sharing your story! It gives me hope. I love to read and have read several relationship books but none by MW Davis book. I will certainly read some now. 

Speaking of self-confidence...I had lost most of mine until 2017 when I lost 30 pounds and decided to have a tummy tuck and breast implants. That was a major esteem booster. I feel great and love my new body. It was definitely the best money I ever spent. 

I'm glad you suggested the sex therapist. I'm sure we would benefit from seeing one but getting him there is going to difficult. I'll work on that.

You have given me some good advice/suggestions. I really appreciate it! Your wife is very lucky. I wish you continued martial bliss.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> If he is not interested anymore, maybe it's time to go separate ways? Unless you are ok with no sex for the rest of your life... you'd be surprised to know how many people stop having sex with each other and are fine with it. Being together is more important than just sex (not my opinion)... another option would be couple counselling...


I am not ok with no sex for the rest of my life. I might be able to cope with it a little more if there was some affection. I definitely think we could benefit from counseling. Getting him to agree and go is the problem...but I'm working on it. I may have to go without him.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sometimes the right answer, is to let them go and move on without them.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Desert Storm huh. So he is about my age. I had low T and had to start taking testosterone injections at 37. I had very little interest in sex, mostly was emotionally numb. No energy after work. Had trouble obtaining/ maintaining erection.
> 
> When did sex decrease? Could resentmwnt be part of it? I know of some men who wives shut down and put all in to the kids and when kids are gone the dads have so much resentment. Or have themselves shut down and no longer see their wives as sexual creatures. Just room mates.
> 
> My dad was so resentful of my mom he quit even brushing his teeth so she would not even try to kiss him. She was not interrested in sex any way.


Thanks for sharing. He is 60 years old...definitely has little interest in sex, is emotionally numb, and is drained after work. He has trouble obtaining/maintaining erection also. I first noticed it about 3 years ago when he started taking antidepressants. He weaned himself off them 6 months ago. He seems to be coping alright without them but the ED remained. He has an appointment for his routine annual exam and plans to mention his ED to the doctor. Maybe he should have his testosterone checked also.

Resentment could be part of it. I was on antidepressants myself 2008-2010 when he lost his job and was unemployed. The medication took away all my sex drive. I never denied him sex but he knew I had no interest. Of course, as soon as I stopped taking the antidepressants, my sex drive came back. I did put a lot of effort into raising our 2 kids, mainly because he didn't and focused a lot of energy on his career. 

I think the best thing for us may be counseling or sex therapy. I'll see if I can convince him to participate.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> How old are you both?
> 
> Is your sex drive higher at the moment than it's previously been? It's just that you seem to have been living like this for some time, but are now feeling the pain and the craving for intimacy more now.
> Maybe the recent change to being child free at home, has, like you say, emphasised this.
> ...


I'll try to address your questions:

He is 60 years old and I am 56...although I've had people ask if he was my dad. My sex drive has always been normal except for 2 years when I was prescribed a medication (which I am no longer taking).

I've been feeling the pain and craving the intimacy for many years but I only discovered this forum to discuss it a few nights ago.

He does have ED which began 3 years ago when he was prescribed an antidepressant. He has been off it now for 6 months but the ED remains. He recently told me the reason for asking me not to initiate sex was because he was embarrassed he may not be able to perform. He has a doctor appointment soon and plans to mention the ED and possibly test for low testosterone. 

You are correct. It's the connection/affection I really miss. Our communication is not the best. I'm a talker, he's not. It has improved some though since become empty nesters. I really feel counseling will help with many of our issues.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

badsanta said:


> Is he aware that you use a vibrator and is that a topic that can be openly discussed?


I mentioned using a vibrator on each other many years ago just to gauge his reaction. He wasn't interested at all. I'm fairly certain he knows I use one but not positive. I had one in my lingerie drawer a couple of years ago that suddenly came up missing. I didn't mention it and neither did he. I replaced it with a new one in the same location. It's still there. I use it when he's not home or if I go on an overnight business trip.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

TAMAT said:


> LonelyLife,
> 
> You wrote, *He hasn't kissed me in 16 years!! I miss this so much.*
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you can relate to story. It's a lonely life.

Strange you should mention the kissing in movies scenes. I love the kissing/intimacy scenes and my husband ALWAYS fast-forwards through them. 

I honestly don't believe he has or is in an affair. Because of his PTSD, he doesn't leave home EVER, except to go to work. He works alone (in the field literally) and is always where he says he is going to be. We both have locators on our phones for emergency purposes so I can see where he is.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I mentioned using a vibrator on each other many years ago just to gauge his reaction. He wasn't interested at all. I'm fairly certain he knows I use one but not positive. *I had one in my lingerie drawer a couple of years ago that suddenly came up missing.* I didn't mention it and neither did he. I replaced it with a new one in the same location. It's still there. I use it when he's not home or if I go on an overnight business trip.


Was it him that took it from you? Or is there a chance someone else did?

If it was him, then...wow. That’d be something to talk about.

Is he significantly/often passive-aggressive?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I mentioned using a vibrator on each other many years ago just to gauge his reaction. *He wasn't interested at all.* I'm fairly certain he knows I use one but not positive. I had one in my lingerie drawer a couple of years ago that suddenly came up missing. I didn't mention it and neither did he. I replaced it with a new one in the same location. It's still there. I use it when he's not home or if I go on an overnight business trip.


You would probably benefit to find out why it is that he is not interested. Just knowing if he feels jealous, inadequate, or some form of sexual disgust for vibrators would be a starting point towards working on things. 

He might fear that because of a vibrator that he will not be better than that. Or he may fear that you fantasize about someone else and do not really want him. It could also be possible that he uses it a lot to stimulate his prostate and is ashamed to admit that to you. Perhaps that it where your other one disappeared to because he eventually got lazy to clean/return it to you.

My point being is that you can't mention something once to see a reaction. Odds are you are totally misinterpreting each other. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a pattern and dynamic that has been going on for many years. It is now a part of your relationship dynamics. You have built up a lot of inertia over the years and it will take more than a viagra pill or testosterone treatments to fix. 

Low T can decrease someone’s libido and innate drive for sex. It can also make them less assertive, less active and ambitious and leave them happy to lay around and chill.

However unless it is completely off the scales low, it does not leave them sexually inner and it does not make them love or care about their partners any less. 

People with low T still love their partners. Still want warmth, closeness and connection. They can still be affectionate, can still have sex, can still employ various techniques and skills to satisfy their partners. 

The above can be generally true with depression and even PTSD as well. 

Where I am going with this is this is a deep-seated and established relationship issue. A trip to the Dr and getting into counseling are good first steps, but without a full commitment and dedicated effort on his part, any improvements may only be short lived and only when someone is watching (figuratively speaking)

The problem is if he wanted to have an active sex and wanted to throw your legs over his shoulders and make mad, passionate love to you - he would. And if he had physical issues that were limiting his ability to do so, he would work tirelessly day and night and would climb tall mountains, cross scorching deserts and wade raging rivers to do so. 

Will a man that hasn’t kissed you or held your hand or held your body against his for 16 years going to climb mountains and cross raging rivers to fix this issue????

Maybe. Maybe not. 

He may take a viagra, get a T shot and try to put out after the counselor gets on him about your needs......

But is it actually going to be any good?

Is it going to be sincere desire and intimacy if someone that hasn’t kissed you or held your hand for 16 gets a boner after getting shots and popping pills and has a counselor lecture him that your needs are legit and that you may leave if he doesn’t put in the effort?? 

Him going to a Dr after you nagging him enough is most likely appeasment to try to **** you up. If you stop making after he takes a couple steps, then there is a high likelihood he’ll slip back into old, well established patterns. 

My fear is that what it may take to determine if he will truly put in the effort and climb mountains and cross rivers is if you move out and start moving on. 

Sometimes people have to be faced with a great loss before they are motivated to make fundamental changes and sincere effort. 

Some will start getting into shape and start climbing the mountain and start crossing the desert. 

Others will breathe a sigh of relief that the nagging and complaining is over and they recline back in the chair and pop open another beer and watch whatever game is coming on.


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## Annoyed_Hubby (Aug 30, 2020)

He must have some major resentment to not kiss you for 16 years. Sorry, not a good sign and maybe purposefully to hurt you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lonelylife10 said:


> Thanks for sharing. He is 60 years old...definitely has little interest in sex, is emotionally numb, and is drained after work. He has trouble obtaining/maintaining erection also. I first noticed it about 3 years ago when he started taking antidepressants. He weaned himself off them 6 months ago. He seems to be coping alright without them but the ED remained. He has an appointment for his routine annual exam and plans to mention his ED to the doctor. Maybe he should have his testosterone checked also
> 
> He should start here first!!!! This above screams low testosterone!!!! Been there, done that and have the T shirt, boxers and sox.
> 
> ...


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

Lonelylife10 said:


> Help! I need advice. We have been married for 31 years and have recently become empty nesters so you'd think we'd be swinging from the chandeliers...well far from it. My husband was never the extremely affectionate type but affection has been nonexistent for a long time now. I feel like we're roommates. He hasn't kissed me in 16 years!! I miss this so much. He never holds my hand, never hugs me, never slaps my butt when he walks by (like he used to). We go months without sex...once went a year. He used to love it when I initiated sex. Now he tells me not to. The thing is, I love him and I know he loves me but I am so lonely. He was in Desert Storm and suffers from PTSD so I'm sure this has a lot to do with it but our sex life was beautiful for 10 years after he got back. He goes to counseling for his PTSD and it has helped him cope with life better. I don't know what to do. I've tried discussing the lack of affection and sex with him but he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think he's not sexually attracted to me. I had a mommy makeover and look better than I ever have. Most people guess my age to be 10-15 years younger. He never compliments me although I get frequent compliments from other men and women. I love sex and fantasize about it all the time, however, a vibrator is not like a physical relationship and is getting rather routine. I have considered having an affair but I can't do that to my husband. He is so good in every other way...a good father and provider. It would be easier if he was a jerk. I can't count the number of nights I've cried myself to sleep. It's sad living with someone but at the same time feeling so completely alone... but even sadder thinking I may spend the rest of my life this way. I just want to be loved.


I just want to be loved. - Jesus loves you. Have you considered turning to Him? Romans 8:31–32 

My husband was never the extremely affectionate type - This is about you, not him. You can't change people. You can be assertive and ask for what you want, you can be a better version of yourself, you can call on God to convict him of his ways and change his heart (but first you have to submit to Jesus and believe he did what he did). John 7:38 

I've tried discussing - you can't negotiate desire or solve things with some big whiz bang conversation, this will require change from you, a heart change, that affects everyone around you

He was in Desert Storm and suffers from PTSD - worrying about things outside of your control is the enemy oppressing you, leave this at the cross 1 Peter 5:7 

I had a mommy makeover - this is wonderful, but is it for your glory, or God's? all who try to glorify themselves will be humbled - Matthew 23:12 

I get frequent compliments from other men and women - other men should not be complimenting you, this is a slippery slope to an emotional affair, guard your heart, establish boundaries, don't send signals

I love sex and fantasize about it all the time - this is idolatry. *nothing* and I mean *nothing*, is going to satiate your desire for sex, you'll always be wanting more if you make that the center of your world, instead we make Jesus the center and we enjoy sex as a blessing in marriage as it is His will to dish it out

I have considered having an affair - those that think about it are already guilty of adultery, I'll let you look up the verse, what good can come of these thoughts? you are imprisoned!

a vibrator is not like a physical relationship - this won't fulfill your desire, it will probably make the cravings worse. We tell men all the time, stop masturbating and focus your desires on your wife, when she feels the weight of it she will submit to your desires. There are many angles here of this holding you back.

Check out a book called his needs, her needs. Find the tips the author has for the irresistable woman. Have you done these things? If you already have, then you probably need to get to talking with God and He will sort out your life and bring you into a life worth living!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

waynejoey said:


> Jesus loves you. Have you considered turning to Him? Romans 8:31–32


Unless Jesus has a penis that he can service her with, that would be a waste of time.



> but first you have to submit to Jesus and believe he did what he did


Is this where Jesus says "get ready to receive your spanking and golden showers"?



> don't send signals


When you can do it in person.



> *nothing* and I mean *nothing*, is going to satiate your desire for sex,


You're mistaken. Getting the sex, love and affection, she wants will satiate her desire for it.



> instead we make Jesus the center and we enjoy sex as a blessing in marriage as it is His will to dish it out


Jesus sounds like a very naughty boy.



> Check out a book called his needs, her needs. Find the tips the author has for the irresistable woman.


This might be helpful advice. Except for the fact that that being an irresistible woman, will not fix her husbands problems, or resolve his unilateral withdrawal of sex and affection.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I think the best thing for us may be counseling or sex therapy. I'll see if I can convince him to participate.


Do try. Yet if he is unwilling, I urge you to seriously consider letting him go.


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## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> I hear you and my heart goes out to you.
> 
> Let me share a little of my story and offer a few things that worked for me.
> 
> ...


I ordered ‘Sex Starved Wife’ on Amazon and delivery is tomorrow. I am really excited to start reading it. I am borrowing Chapman’s ‘Five Love Languages’ from a friend. I plan to contact someone next week to begin solo counseling, then ask my husband to join me later. I’m not sure if we need marriage counseling or a sex therapist. We can’t afford both. I think I’ll start with a marriage counselor and go from there based on progress. Thanks again for your suggestions. Sorry you had to go this too but so glad it worked out for you and your wife.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I ordered ‘Sex Starved Wife’ on Amazon and delivery is tomorrow. I am really excited to start reading it. I am borrowing Chapman’s ‘Five Love Languages’ from a friend. I plan to contact someone next week to begin solo counseling, then ask my husband to join me later. I’m not sure if we need marriage counseling or a sex therapist. We can’t afford both. I think I’ll start with a marriage counselor and go from there based on progress. Thanks again for your suggestions. Sorry you had to go this too but so glad it worked out for you and your wife.


It's possible individual counseling may be available through your health care provider, and if they refer out (say, through the Magellan Network), you can find someone who will see you as a couple even though coverage doesn't technically cover that.

Sex therapists are virtually never covered by health plans though, and sex therapists generally cost quite a bit more. There is also a fair amount of overlap between the two and it's possible a really good sex therapist could take the place of a marriage counselor.

One other thing to think about. Going down the therapist road, which I believe is a really good idea, might result in things getting worse before they get better. You're going to unearth things that you didn't want to get into. Your husband is going to hear you say things that will really rattle his ego, and you're going to hear your husband say things that will sound downright mean. But it's much better to get this out in the open with a 3rd party than continue to battle each other while leaving a lot unsaid and never resolved.

In the brief period this thread has existed, I've gone from thinking you were looking for a way out/vindication that your situation is hopeless, to believing you really would like your marriage to work. You and your husband should try to visualize what each of those possibilities look like.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lonelylife10 said:


> I ordered ‘Sex Starved Wife’ on Amazon and delivery is tomorrow. I am really excited to start reading it. I am borrowing Chapman’s ‘Five Love Languages’ from a friend. I plan to contact someone next week to begin solo counseling, then ask my husband to join me later. I’m not sure if we need marriage counseling or a sex therapist. We can’t afford both. I think I’ll start with a marriage counselor and go from there based on progress. Thanks again for your suggestions. Sorry you had to go this too but so glad it worked out for you and your wife.


Good for you. I think that you will find after reading MW Davis that you are not alone and that many women have faced what you are facing and have worked on their marriages until they improve. She will definitely give you some ideas to try.

At to Chapman's 5LL, note that none of them is sex. Also note that what is important is that your H communicate his love for you in YOUR LL's and not exclusively in his LL's. An in your case you need to learn how to communicate in his LL's, not just yours.

To become a certified sex therapist you must have work experience as a marriage counselor and then additional specialized and supervised sex therapy training. That training can be in a variety of areas, such as, sexual addictions, sexual dysfunction, couples sexual problems, etc. You need to find a sex therapist that is trained to handle your situation and you need to explain your problems and work with him/her on your goals.

As to cost, a good sex therapist may be expensive, but a lot less expensive than two divorce attorney's. The best money my wife and I ever spent.

Good luck.


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## Kali2222 (11 mo ago)

StarFires said:


> Erectile Dysfunction could be his problem. Men are sometimes ashamed or afraid to address it or admit to it. You may want to find a way to get him to get a blood workup.


I agree with this. But I would also add, don't rely on the blood results alone- see a hormone specialist as well. I believe PTSD medication can impact ED too.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Total zombie thread


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Huh... is this Zombie Thread Resurrection Day?


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