# Separated 11 months



## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

Hello, I’m looking for perspective and advice here. My husband moved out 11 months ago. We have a 3 year old daughter, and he comes here several times a week to see her, so we end up spending a fair amount of time together. I’ve been getting mixed signals from him throughout, but every time I’ve brought up reconciliation, he says he wants a divorce. But he hasn’t filed. Things were tense in the beginning of the separation and every time we argued he’d say he wanted a divorce. I decided to be patient, and to get therapy and really “clean up my side of the street” as I very much want to stay married to him. Things seemed to have plateaued recently; we have been getting along well, even chatting/joking and generally enjoying each other’s company. Then yesterday he texted me that he wants to move forward with the divorce. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, I just felt like things were moving in such a positive direction. I can’t help but feel he wants me to do something or I’m being tested somehow, but maybe I’m fooling myself. Does anyone have any advice, or
Has found themselves in a similar situation?


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Why did he move out .


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what were the boundaries and parameters you have set up for this separation?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Give him the divorce he wants.......You will suffer much less in the long run.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

The past has everything to do with your present situation.
What happened?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You will get better advice if you give us the background of what happened.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

Before he moved out, we were getting into a pursuer/wirhdrawer cycle and getting into a lot of fights because of it. He’s an avoider, I’m an over analyzer. We were both frustrated and feeling pretty hopeless. I had previously suggested a breather separation, which would include marriage counseling, and he refused. Then he blindsided me by telling me he was moving out. 
We really didn’t have any parameters for our separation. When he moved out he said he was done, but then he didn’t do anything about it, and was clearly conflicted. At first I was reactive, crying, angry, desperate etc. But I started therapy a couple of months in and have been working hard on myself, and kind of fighting for our marriage on my own.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

He has said things to the effect of that while he may be a bit conflicted, he feels too damaged/scared to try again. Which is why I’ve tried to be patient, and to work on showing up differently for him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

StillhopefulCA said:


> He has said things to the effect of that while he may be a bit conflicted, he feels too damaged/scared to try again. Which is why I’ve tried to be patient, and to work on showing up differently for him.


You are bending over backwards trying to win him back and it’s not working. He is behaving like an ******* but you are enabling him by always being available and allowing him to come and go as he pleases.
Tell him firmly that if he wants a divorce then you will give him one,either way get a visiting schedule drawn up and stick to it. This constant calling over to your home needs to stop,he is either your husband or not and make it clear it’s not convenient for him to drop by whenever he feels like it. 
You don’t say whether you are having sex with him but if you are then stop.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> You are bending over backwards trying to win him back and it’s not working. He is behaving like an ******* but you are enabling him by always being available and allowing him to come and go as he pleases.
> Tell him firmly that if he wants a divorce then you will give him one,either way get a visiting schedule drawn up and stick to it. This constant calling over to your home needs to stop,he is either your husband or not and make it clear it’s not convenient for him to drop by whenever he feels like it.
> You don’t say whether you are having sex with him but if you are then stop.


I agree. He needs to know what getting divorced will look like. Tell him you want to make up a formal custody/visitation schedule and that you will start dropping the kids off to him from now on. Do not have sex with him and do not spend time with him. No texting, no phone calls outside of discussing the divorce or the kids.

It's hard but in the long run you'll be better off.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

Thank you for the replies, these are good points. 
think I misunderstood the parameters question; we do have a visitation schedule for our daughter, he comes 3 times a week to see her, sometimes taking her out and sometimes staying here. I meant we have no parameters as to how long the separation would last, etc. 

We have not been having sex at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> he feels too damaged/scared to try again


Why?

What is the context?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StillhopefulCA said:


> Thank you for the replies, these are good points.
> think I misunderstood the parameters question; we do have a visitation schedule for our daughter, he comes 3 times a week to see her, sometimes taking her out and sometimes staying here. I meant we have no parameters as to how long the separation would last, etc.
> 
> We have not been having sex at all.


Why cant he take her to the home he is living in? It will make it very hard for you to be able to move on if he is always there.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

He feels scared that we will fall back into our old patterns. His main issue with me was that when we fought I sometimes yelled and said mean things, and he felt belittled and disrespected. I think he is afraid to trust the changes he is seeing in my behavior. 

He could take our daughter to his home and sometimes does so. Early on I requested that he not do that because I felt like having him do that felt like another step toward permanent separation.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

I realize this arrangement makes it hard for me to move on, and if we get a divorce it will likely change. 
At this point, I don’t wish to move on, I wish to reconcile with my husband. I just feel like I’ve gotten mixed messages from him and I’m not sure how to interpret them. Even yesterday, after having texted me about divorcing, he was here chatting with me and wanting to make plans to spend the day redecorating our daughter’s room on his day with her this weekend. 
I’m not trying to be a doormat. I am, however, trying not let my pride and ego get in the way of possibly keeping my family intact.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

StillhopefulCA said:


> Thank you for the replies, these are good points.
> think I misunderstood the parameters question; we do have a visitation schedule for our daughter, he comes 3 times a week to see her, sometimes taking her out and sometimes staying here. I meant we have no parameters as to how long the separation would last, etc.
> 
> We have not been having sex at all.


Do you mind me asking how frequently you had sex with your husband before he left. 
This idea of being celibate for eleven months has me puzzled,he is either getting it elsewhere or else he doesn’t want it.If it’s a case that he doesn’t want sex then he is using your behavior before the split to hide the fact he is either impotent,gay or asexual.
He therefore has no compelling reason to stay married.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Do you mind me asking how frequently you had sex with your husband before he left.
> This idea of being celibate for eleven months has me puzzled,he is either getting it elsewhere or else he doesn’t want it.If it’s a case that he doesn’t want sex then he is using your behavior before the split to hide the fact he is either impotent,gay or asexual.
> He therefore has no compelling reason to stay married.


I don't agree with this, lots of people don't have sex for a short or long spells. It definitely doesn't mean they are gay or impotent or asexual.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

Yeah, that is definitely not what’s going on here, but I appreciate all input . When he first left he said he was “dating”. I don’t think that’s actively happening at this point.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Who was pursuing and who was withdrawing? 

Was the pursuit more general - spending time together - or was it sexual?






StillhopefulCA said:


> Before he moved out, we were getting into a pursuer/wirhdrawer cycle and getting into a lot of fights because of it. He’s an avoider, I’m an over analyzer. We were both frustrated and feeling pretty hopeless. I had previously suggested a breather separation, which would include marriage counseling, and he refused. Then he blindsided me by telling me he was moving out.
> We really didn’t have any parameters for our separation. When he moved out he said he was done, but then he didn’t do anything about it, and was clearly conflicted. At first I was reactive, crying, angry, desperate etc. But I started therapy a couple of months in and have been working hard on myself, and kind of fighting for our marriage on my own.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

I was the pursuer and he was the withdrawer. Mostly in terms of communication/desire to talk problems out/connect through talking. And then when we would fight, I would pursue for connection/resolution and he would clam up, the more he clammed up the louder I got, the louder I got the more he clammed up...and so on.


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

Sometimes things got really heated between us and id kick him out of the house and he’d refuse to leave, stuff like that. We were fighting a lot and he kind of refused to deal with it and liked to pretend nothing was wrong between fights


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

StillhopefulCA said:


> Sometimes things got really heated between us and id kick him out of the house and he’d refuse to leave, stuff like that. We were fighting a lot and he kind of refused to deal with it and liked to pretend nothing was wrong between fights


I've read both threads. And I'm mentally comparing it to the other current abusive marriage thread. StillhopefullCA you are getting very gentle treatment, probably because you are addressing your anger issues with a therapist. You seem to have confusion about why he left and why he isn't returning, And why he is treating you so nicely. As a submissive man, I'll try to explain it to you.

Your relationship is experiencing difficulty because of mismatched personalities. You are aggressively abusive, and he is conflict avoidant. You push, he runs. No connection. If he was less avoidant, you could push and he would compromise. If he was less submissive you could push, and he would push right back. Either way there would be connection. Every fight you had added to his burden of suppressed hurts. He Left because he can't carry any more hurt, and he has no healthy way to unburden. But that is not something you can't fix. He needs his own therapy to fix that. He can't come back to you because in his mind and heart you are only connected with pain. It isn't so much that he is afraid, he simply has had all he can take. He is being nice to you in order to prevent another fight. His fear is likely that he will lose himself if he tries to carry another hurt.

About the sex. He may or may not be interested in sex. The confusion of sex and abuse and acceptance is messing him up pretty badly. Sex is intimacy, (the physical kind) he is not allowing you to be that close to him (see above). In a world of easy porn access there is no reason a man can't go a year without a sexual partner.

About filing. He is conflict avoidant. Filing and divorcing are going to make you mad (he thinks), so he is avoiding talking about it. He has put it off. Now you think he is not currently dating, but I disagree. The most likely thing to push him to talk to you about moving ahead with the divorce is Pressure from the other woman. She does not want to be dating a married man. She wants to secure her stake on him. 

So you have been getting great advice. Aside from the explanations, what I am adding to the advice is that you two have personalities that don't mix well. Reconciliation is not likely to be successful. IMO


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## StillhopefulCA (Apr 3, 2019)

That is very insightful and I think you’re probably right about at least some of it. 

That being said, in your opinion, is there anything I can do to show him that how much I’ve grown and changed in a way that would allow him to be willing to take a chance?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

StillhopefulCA said:


> That is very insightful and I think you’re probably right about at least some of it.
> 
> 
> 
> That being said, in your opinion, is there anything I can do to show him that how much I’ve grown and changed in a way that would allow him to be willing to take a chance?




I can’t speak for Mr. Nail. But imo no. You can’t do anything to show your change. You can however show your self worth and file divorce, and with grace if you want to try out your new change. This will do one of two things. He’ll keep his head tucked and ride it out and maybe even be agreeable(this will aggravate you probably that he won’t fight). Or he’ll try to come running back(but this isn’t the reason you should file). Either way you’re moving forward and not sitting, waiting for the end to come. A year or two from now you will thank yourself for your bravery and you will hold your head high again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StillhopefulCA said:


> He feels scared that we will fall back into our old patterns. His main issue with me was that when we fought I sometimes yelled and said mean things, and he felt belittled and disrespected. I think he is afraid to trust the changes he is seeing in my behavior.
> 
> He could take our daughter to his home and sometimes does so. Early on I requested that he not do that because I felt like having him do that felt like another step toward permanent separation.


 @StillhopefulCA

You suggested he leave the family home and when he did you felt angry with him? 

Yelling and saying mean things can cover a lot of ground from: "You are a nasty person" to "You aren't a real man, you aren't even the father of your daughter" "I wish you were dead" and so forth.

On a scale if 1 to 10 (with 1 being the mildest and 10 being the worst) exactly how mean would you honestly think you have been to your husband?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

StillhopefulCA said:


> That is very insightful and I think you’re probably right about at least some of it.
> 
> That being said, in your opinion, is there anything I can do to show him that how much I’ve grown and changed in a way that would allow him to be willing to take a chance?


StillhopefulCA,
I'm sorry I missed your reply. Your question is very good and I do have an answer for you. But to put the qualifier first, I'm not sure it will make much difference. It is very difficult to come back from this. If he were writing to me I would likely give him the safety reply which is, "Get away from her before she kills you". I don't believe in any way that you have any intention of physically harming anyone, but the statistics on this are very scary, so we advise to the more paranoid side.

How to demonstrate yourchange and convince him to give you another chance. This is a bit of Advice I have given many times. This is really all about Trust. To believe you and give you chances he needs to trust you. Trust is the stuff that relationships are made up from. He has no trust in you right now, and as a result there is no real relationship. Just the memory of a relationship. But how do you make new trust, or more importantly, What is Trust made of?

Trust is made up of promises made, and promises kept. one by one. if you want to make trust you have to be in this for the long haul. You are going to have to keep a lot of promises. You are going to have to be very careful that you don't break any promises. You are going to have to be very careful that you don't ever make a promise that you can't keep. You need to be very careful that you never appear to be breaking a promise. It is not easy. It is harder because you have hurt him. 

So What kind of promises should you start with? Small things. I will call you at 5:30. Then you call at 5:30, not 5:35. then work up to bigger things. Like we can have a meal together and I promise I won't shout at the restaurant. Little things that you can keep in a short time. Things that are clearly defined. 

Don't promise that you will never hurt him again. Even though you won't, and it is the message you most want to give him. But if you start with that promise, he will never know if you kept it because Never Again is a very long time. I hope you are understanding this point. He is already aware that it is easy for you to slip up. This is how you demonstrate that you can control this at least with him.

Good luck. Keep us updated.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

StillhopefulCA said:


> I realize this arrangement makes it hard for me to move on, and if we get a divorce it will likely change.
> At this point, I don’t wish to move on, I wish to reconcile with my husband. I just feel like I’ve gotten mixed messages from him and I’m not sure how to interpret them. Even yesterday, after having texted me about divorcing, he was here chatting with me and wanting to make plans to spend the day redecorating our daughter’s room on his day with her this weekend.
> I’m not trying to be a doormat. I am, however, trying not let my pride and ego get in the way of possibly keeping my family intact.


As I told you on your other thread with the same question.. stop waiting and hoping and file for divorce. He does NOT want to be married to you! He wants out but doesnt want to be the bad guy who files, he wants that to fall on YOUR shoulders, because he is a coward. He is making plans with you because it helps him feel less guilty about what he wants. (and the very likely possibility of his affair as well) Why are you so insistent that you want to stay with someone who clearly does not want you? Give him the divorce he wants and move on.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

StillhopefulCA said:


> That is very insightful and I think you’re probably right about at least some of it.
> 
> That being said, in your opinion, is there anything I can do to show him that how much I’ve grown and changed in a way that would allow him to be willing to take a chance?


I think you need to file for D and find another submissive man.
He and you both will be better off in the long run.
Sounds to me like you are a long way from changing in that kind of way.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Trying to bend and twist yourself into someone you’re not just to please someone or get along never lasts. You will end up miserable in the end. Let. It. Go. 


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

StillhopefulCA said:


> I realize this arrangement makes it hard for me to move on, and if we get a divorce it will likely change.
> At this point, I don’t wish to move on,* I wish to reconcile with my husband. I just feel like I’ve gotten mixed messages from him and I’m not sure how to interpret them.* Even yesterday, after having texted me about divorcing, he was here chatting with me and wanting to make plans to spend the day redecorating our daughter’s room on his day with her this weekend.
> I’m not trying to be a doormat. I am, however, trying not let my pride and ego get in the way of possibly keeping my family intact.


 @StillhopefulCA

Just file and give him what he wants believe me the message will clear up quickly.

55


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## Bubblehead (Nov 28, 2012)

Old thread, but allot of great help to me. I clearly see some things I did to my wife to make her to be conflict avoidant. I am not aggressive anymore, and have learned so much about myself. Sometimes a swift kick in the ego can change things..
3 years later, I am a better man..


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