# I am not an innocent bystander, but I am not the antagonizer. Help



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi,
(Sorry for the length, I just saw it and realized it but I don't think you will get the full scope of the issue without the details).

My husband and I have had problems from the beginning, but like any relationship we find a way through it. Seven years and two kids later I am here. In 2011 I caught him cheating, we separated and reconciled wayyyyy toooo quickly. I should have never taken him back and I regret it everyday of my life. I should have made him suffer, wait, and really feel the pain of losing everything he built with me over a **** at work. 

Here we are.... Fighting like dogs and I can't even think of a good reason why. In all honesty it is so stupid I'm ashamed. We have to cars. One I drive that is newer and one he drives that is older. I only got a newer car because I was almost killed on a highway collision and my car was totaled. He wanted brand new v6 I wanted what I could afford with the insurance check. Now his car was broken down and I stay home with the kids. He needed the car for work so of course he can take it, but now h is car is fixed. He still won't take his 4 cylinder and is wasting money on gas, money we don't have, money we must count to the penny to make sure we get by....so we fought, we fought because of that, then it led to me saying if his car weren't such a dumpster inside and he would take it into consideration I have small kids who need carseats and install them for me I would deal with it as long as it takes for his stupid idiotic ass to realize he can't drive the v6. I'm really mad sorry for the bad words. But he won't clean it out. When I mean dumpster I mean dumpster. An inch of crude on the floor, garbage strewn about, seats torn apart, the works! All I said was clean the damn thing and have my carseats in there for me.... But no he can't. He won't. Here I am crying, it got so intense and I front of the kids all over a stupid car! Then he insults me and says that I am complaining about something that I can't control because I can't get a job for the life of me. This is about the fourth time he has said this to me in the last month. 

This is my break away. I'm so hurt because I work hard after my multiple Injuries to keep my house in order, to raise my kids, and to keep him happy.my body is in constant pain because of the accident, my workload is triple intense because my very young body can't take it the way a normal person my age would, instead he beats me like this, mentally, and tells me I'm home and I suck because I can't get a job. I was working up until my second child was born in 2011 and we made the mutual decision to stay home for them! He doesn't help me ever, when I worked I still had to come home and cook clean and care for our boy, then the baby came andi said to hell with it, I'm not going to bust my hump working for low wages to still come home and work even more. We came together and we made a choice. My choice. A choice for my family and one he wanted as well. 

I have to be honest and say that yes I am nasty when we fight,I can cut with my tongue in ways I never knew before I met him, but I do love him and it does come from years of his insecurities, jealousy, control, and lack of fidelity. I am paying for all the gross things he witnessed in childhood. I want to leave, to start new alone and with my babies, they deserve peace, and I need it in order to raise them well. 

I am here because my heart aches with these painful thoughts of leaving for good. I am in school for social work and still have about 3-4 years before I complete my goal of a masters degree in social work. I am also a Christian/catholic and believe I am in it for the long haul and feel I will burn in hell for divorcing him. (I know I probably won't but again I believe in god and I am very afraid of breaking my promise to keep my family in him and united). I have tried and tried and tried, he is selffish, greedy, and all for him and not for me. 

I feel like applying to every job I can and saving every penny I make to leave his ass knowing I will be quitting school and prolly spending very little time with my kids, I grew up in a single parent home and although my mother was great I missed her a great deal and missed out on a lot because her options and resources were minimal. I stay for my kids, so they have me around to help them when they need it, to raise them, and to show them what they need to be taught. We are a mess though and I wish we weren't. I am not sure if this is normal, or if this is worth leaving. I know every relationship has its problems but I am here crying because of a fight that started about a filthy car and led to me being a ****ty homemaker and a jobless leech. 

I'm sorry it is so long, but please advise me. I am so lost. I haven't cried like this ever. Not even when he cheated on me, at least then I had a valid reason to dump his ass, now I feel selffish for even thinking of it. Am I? Please help me. Where do I even start wrapping my head around the idea I will have to leave him and stick mykids in daycare to work like a dog and never finish my dream of becoming a social worker to help moms like mine, kids like me, and everyone else I between? I'm so hurt, lost, confused, and scared.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Having been married for >30 years to a man who cheated on me in year 7, I would tell you to try this: Marriage Help Program For Couples

Give it a little time, maybe 6 months, and if there are not *dramatic changes* in the atmosphere of your marriage, get a divorce and move on with your life. Do you have parents or family who could help you make the transition?

I have some profound regrets about sticking it out with my H. If they don't do some serious introspection and deal with their baggage that motivates the bad behavior, they'll do it again. You and your marriage have clearly not recovered from his betrayal and you won't unless and until your H looks inside himself and takes responsibility for the damage he has caused.

So sorry you are hurting! (((((((Hugs))))))) Take care of *yourself*. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat right. Do some activities you enjoy (I used to love walking with the babies in the stroller).


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

mishu143 said:


> I am here because my heart aches with these painful thoughts of leaving for good. I am in school for social work and still have about 3-4 years before I complete my goal of a masters degree in social work. I am also a Christian/catholic and believe I am in it for the long haul and feel I will burn in hell for divorcing him. (I know I probably won't but again I believe in god and I am very afraid of breaking my promise to keep my family in him and united). I have tried and tried and tried, he is selfish, greedy, and all for him and not for me.


I hope you don't quit school. I think it would be good to keep on moving towards your goals.

As for God sending you to hell, if you stay and things don't change, it's hell... on earth... IME

Your husband broke the marriage covenant when he cheated on you. Talk to your priest. Adultery is a mortal sin and Biblical grounds for divorce. The mortal sin of adultery is his. You commit no mortal sin worthy of hell by executing the just consequences he deserves for his betrayal.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Having been married for >30 years to a man who cheated on me in year 7, I would tell you to try this: Marriage Help Program For Couples
> 
> Give it a little time, maybe 6 months, and if there are not *dramatic changes* in the atmosphere of your marriage, get a divorce and move on with your life. Do you have parents or family who could help you make the transition?
> 
> ...



That's how I feel about it with him. I know we will never be perfect and we will always have highs and lows and I'm okay with that but I'm just lost and confused and tired of this. I'm on the defense all the time and I can't get out of the habit of defending nothing while I have reason to feel how I feel about him. The trust is gone and everything he does bothers me because I feel like all he is thinking about are his wants, not even needs, just material desires. He is lost, skewed from god, and I regret believing he would be a godly husband when he never even gets up for church.... Stupid me! Lol.... 

Leaving is hard, I'm alone. My family is very spread out and my dads side is not very united, so I am very alone. I would ave to quit school in order to work and care for my kids. At this point t feels like you need a college degree to work making $12 hr and that's if I'm lucky( kinda sarcastic but true). I'm just trying because I do love him and I want the family or my kids I didn't have. 

When I do the marriage help program, is it free? And do I do it on my own without him knowing? 

I'm walking by choice almost 6 miles a day with my boogie in the stroller and my son on bike/ scooter to and from his school. I am trying to lose weight for me, I can honestly say he loves me at my worst, but I alo think it is convenient for his ego to think I am not kept up enough to find another man....even at my ugliest men want me(not being ****y). Guys are guys and they look just as much when I'm beat up and even more when I'm nicely dressed, o again I think it's more to his advantage to have me lie this lol. But I'm changing for me because I'm down and tired! I figure I can do the work now mentally and physically to be stronger for whatever may come.... Kinda like the 180 ppl talk about here. But we r broke so it has to be free. Hehe.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I looked into retroville and my MC post affair was on target about this but we just didn't and couldn't afford it then, we still can't but we rent paying for MC anymore so I'm willing to sacrifice fiancial progress in paying off debt in order to help our marriage. Hubby says no! Lol! The catholic god fearing man I married says no to anything godly. Lmao. I'm so upset I told him we were like Rome waiting to fall, I'm tired and I give up. He can drive three hours to vacation at his families beach trailer but he can't travel three hours for a weekend of spiritual learning on how to work on our marriage and the follow up weeks of driving for one day a week to continue the retroville. I'm so done! It will lay in his heart when he is old and alone and regretting what he didn't do for me, for our, kids, and for our marriage. 

As you can see I'm angry. Whatever I give up. Not picking up his asinine calls and not texting him. He has no reason to say no. He drives and wastes money like nothing and for god and our marriage it's no. After all that has come out about the Catholic Church (even being raised catholic), I withdrew and went elsewhere while his family vilified me for it, now I'm back with a new respect for the bible, not the corrupt church, but for the good in it instead and I still get slapped around like this(metaphorically). It's true, whenever you want god the most satan comes to screw with you even harder than before. Well I guess he is going to let the nfl and gas get in his way. Too bad. So sad. Rome is falling and it will fall fast.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Retrouvaille is way cheaper than counseling! When we went, H was unemployed and they give scholarships. Our only cost was the $65 registration fee. The full cost of the weekend was <$400 and the post sessions which go for 7 weeks afterwards (4 hour sessions) are completely free.

As for your weight/looks and the attraction level for finding a replacement man. If I was you, I would avoid rebound relationships like the plague. You have a lot of childhood baggage what with growing up with a single mom and whatever else is in your background. * Your "man picker" is broken* and if you divorce your H you need to work on personal emotional healing and recovery so you can pick a *healthy* man way down the road... (and you can work on physical toning concurrently...)

The other complication is that you have children with him. He may walk away with no strings attached- like my daddy (and yours?)- or you may have to deal with him in your life forever (visitation, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc...) which makes him much more honorable father but will add layers of complication to your potential future intimate relationships.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Putting you down @ losing your job and telling you "no one else will want you" are abusive behavior, mishu. Laura's House - Resources: Signs of Abuse

When I hit bottom in my marriage, I got this book from the public library. See if you can get hold of it, I think it would be an eye opening read for you. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft - Google Books


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Once I grew up, got therapy, healed and recovered from childhood baggage, I grew a backbone and if I was in your shoes I would be able to say to my husband

Retrouvaille OR divorce. You choose.

The status quo is not an option!​
In our case, my husband made the appt for us to attend Retrouvaille because I was ready to walk away from the marriage. Your husband might not engage the process if he's forced? But you can leave it on the table and prepare to walk away and if he has any shred of caring about the marriage, perhaps he will rethink it?


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Retrouvaille is way cheaper than counseling! When we went, H was unemployed and they give scholarships. Our only cost was the $65 registration fee. The full cost of the weekend was <$400 and the post sessions which go for 7 weeks afterwards (4 hour sessions) are completely free.
> 
> As for your weight/looks and the attraction level for finding a replacement man. If I was you, I would avoid rebound relationships like the plague. You have a lot of childhood baggage what with growing up with a single mom and whatever else is in your background. * Your "man picker" is broken* and if you divorce your H you need to work on personal emotional healing and recovery so you can pick a *healthy* man way down the road... (and you can work on physical toning concurrently...)
> 
> The other complication is that you have children with him. He may walk away with no strings attached- like my daddy (and yours?)- or you may have to deal with him in your life forever (visitation, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc...) which makes him much more honorable father but will add layers of complication to your potential future intimate relationships.


I didn't mean that was looking for a rebound. I meant that its been six years of me not caring for myself and him feeling good about it. Lol I would never and have never even thought of it. And like many others I can go for long periods without a man, just for my kids I wouldn't bother. My mom never brought a man home she remarried after we left the house.... Weird maybe but she didn't want to stress it about someone in our home hurting us o molesting us.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well if your husband isnt going to clean out the other car for you, get out there and do it yourself. (if you know he wont do it, why are still asking??) That gives you some independence and a way to get to job interviews. Honestly in reading your post, you do not sound like you love this man. He has committed adultery. I hate to see people live their lives in misery for the sake of their religion...but I am pretty sure that adultery is a divorcable offense. Is this really how you want to live your life? Look ten years down the road...20....30.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well if your husband isnt going to clean out the other car for you, get out there and do it yourself. (if you know he wont do it, why are still asking??) That gives you some independence and a way to get to job interviews. Honestly in reading your post, you do not sound like you love this man. He has committed adultery. I hate to see people live their lives in misery for the sake of their religion...but I am pretty sure that adultery is a divorcable offense. Is this really how you want to live your life? Look ten years down the road...20....30.




Think I mentioned I was in a horrendous car wreck and suffered injuries, my back, hips, ankles, joints in general are all messed up. Te tiniest chores take a lot out of me and I am still being treated or my injuries....that's why I won't get out there and do it myself...

I do love him but I feel he is selfish and he doesn't think about us. He's like a toddler, very egocentric. And of course I don't want to live like this forever.... That's why I'm here, to help figure things out....


----------

