# Was he abusive?



## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi all, just looking for opinions. I have recently been reading about abusive marriages, and I'm feeling unsure if my situation could be labeled as such or not. He doesn't fit the classic criteria (controlling, isolating me, etc), so I'll just rattle off this list of his behaviors and get opinions. 

His actions over the final two years of our 18-year marriage:

1) He told me he didn't love me, then told me he did, then changed his mind and again told me he did not. Constant yes I do, not I don't. 

2) He conducted a very intense EA with another woman, but wanted to be "honest" with me about it and not hide it. He felt this was the ethical, moral thing to do, rather than sneaking around. So he pretty much paraded the relationship in front of me, telling me how "intense" it was, how different she was from me, what great conversations they had, etc.

3) He complained every time I hugged him. I was not doing it right, other people hugged ("melted with him") better than me, that he could feel my "barriers". Needless to say, hugging him became rather nightmarish.

4) When I would initiate sex (which he said he wanted me to do more of), he would complain that I was acting "mechanical". He would demand "intense eye contact" during sex, which I tried to accommodate (albeit with some degree of discomfort), but when we were finished he'd say "That's not quite what I was looking for". Always a complaint, never a compliment or encouragement.

5) He went on to have several PAs, after getting my permission. This after a year of being generally treated like crap by him, and finally giving in. I'd agree to anything at that point, just to get him to be nice to me again.

6) Throughout the span of the marriage, he would have temper tantrums and blowups, raging around the house swearing. Never hit me or threw things, just yelled. Our daughter and I would retreat to the bedroom and avoid him.

7) He complained constantly that I was not meeting his "needs". Not once did he ever ask me about mine.

8) He complained about my basic personality - that I was too quiet, that I read too many books instead of feeling and experiencing life, that I didn't have a strong personality, that I was boring, that he wanted me to change. (Yes, he really did say these things to me).

The effect on me:

I was afraid of him - of his temper, of what he might say that would hurt my feelings.

I became afraid of sex, and even hugging him, as I feared being criticized when done.

A constant feeling of "walking on eggshells", that I had to be very careful in what I said and how I acted around him.

Sleep disruptions, trouble eating due to upset stomach, crying jags.

My greatest loves - reading and writing - withered and died. I had no energy for them while this was going on. 

A slow erosion of my self-esteem. Feeling very down on myself, depressed, unworthy, unlovable.

BTW we are now seven months separated, so I did finally get out. Now working on rebuilding my life and my self-esteem. It's a work in progress. Almost feeling as if I have PTSD - some of the symptoms seem comparable.

So I'm just looking for opinions/feedback. Was he emotionally and/or psychologically abusive, or was he just an "unskillful" guy, a bull in a china shop?


Thanks all!


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## JohnDoe (Feb 28, 2012)

My opinion is no, he wasn't abusive, but he's an ass and I wouldn't be with someone like that !


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

As a guy who is an emotionally abusive person, I will tell you that he is definitely very emotionally abusive towards you. My wife and I have been separated just shy of 3 months, and she is working on her self esteem and is going through intense counselling. She still does not know if she wants to come back and work on our marriage. I was absolutely emotionally abusive towards her, however I would never have done half the things you have described. I would say the only way you are going to be able to feel safe and secure going back into your marriage is that if your husband admits his abusive behaviour and seeks counselling to change his ways.

Read the book 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to stop abusing and how to stop being abused'. It is by Beverly Engel. Excellent book, I highly recommend it.

I have been in counselling for approximately 4 months, and start group therapy next month for 40 weeks. I will not allow myself to be emotionally abusive any longer, I cannot believe I treated my wife the way I did.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Definitely abusive (emotionally). I would call him a reckless bully. He knew your weakness and used it to his own advantage. In a marriage, that's called abuse.

He will face a lot of trouble in life depending on how dependent he had become on emotionally abusing you. Many people easily ignore this aspect of such relationships. They think the abuser is able to simply move on since they didn't love the abused enough. That's not true. The truth is, the abuser always ends up feeling a void due to not having the luxury of continuing their habit which is to f*** with their spouse's mind. Some of them get lucky and quickly find another weak soul to play with, but rarely do they find the perfect comfort zone they used to enjoy.

Continue working on yourself and building that self-esteem back. I'm sure you've learned a painful lesson. Don't ever forget it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Solitude, I agree with Testing that you're describing emotional abuse. Indeed, the behaviors you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic PD). 

If you would like to read a description of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, I suggest you check out my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, Solitude.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Abuse is in the eye of the beholder. 

Maybe it was abuse, and maybe he is just an a$$hole brute....and probably both. Maybe he doesn't even GET how crappy that is to treat the one "you love". 

No matter what you call it. Find your peace now. Just losing the eggshells is awesome isn't it???? Do what you love and don't ever look back. Forget about trying to figure out how to deal with him, or change him, ..... love yourself.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

NPD!! Sorry to hear you went through that.
There are some BPD forums similar to TAM.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Thank you all so much - I very much appreciate all of the responses. There will be no reconciliation. I plan to file for divorce this month. Been working on pulling the lawyer's retainer fee together.

Testing - thank you for the book suggestion. I will look for it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I found it was helpful, in moving on, to focus more on the abusive *relationship* than on the person. By choosing to remove myself from the relationship, I have more control in ending the abuse. If I focus on the abuser having abused me, even by leaving the relationship, I'm out of the loop of being able to do anything. I've already felt powerless due to jumping through various hoops to please him, so anything I can do to alleviate that feeling and to empower myself in a solid manner, is better than being unmoored. It's a small matter of framing, but if I focus on the relationship, I can say that I am choosing not to be in it, for myself, and I am in charge of that choice. No court of law says I have to have anything to do with him. I live in a liberal state with regards to divorce - 'irreconcilable differences'. Fortunately, we have no children together. (He did try that though, against my desire. :-o ) Your situation might be different. 

Testing and Synthetic, add me to your fan club. If I had to choose one adjective, it would be Courageous. Don't give up.


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## MickeyD (Feb 19, 2012)

solitudeseeker said:


> So I'm just looking for opinions/feedback. Was he emotionally and/or psychologically abusive, or was he just an "unskillful" guy, a bull in a china shop?


He was abusive to you and he intentionally hurt you.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I agree with the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.. going through that myself, so been looking a lot of stuff up on it.. there are books on it too that might help you recognize signs, and unfortunately, most the advice they give to deal with this type of person is " to run as fast as you can",,, it is VERY rare for this type of person to ever change and have a normal healthy relationship.


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