# Need advice now



## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Let me start by saying that I love my wife with all my heart and do not have any problems except this one BIG issue.

My wife and I have been married for 7 yrs she is 33 and I am 41 we have 2 children ages 7 and 2. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia which makes sex extremely painful for her. She throws me a bone once a month or so if I'm lucky but it is always "hurry up and get this over with". It is always after about 3 weeks of me begging that she gives in just to shut me up. We fight all the time about this issue and have talked to her doctors about things we can do. Because of the meds she is taking she has absolutely no libido and is always tired and/or in pain. We don't have any foreplay because it gets her in the mood, however that makes her want sex which brings us back to the pain of having it. She tells me to masturbate, I do sometimes to old porn that we made yrs ago when things were much better and her illness wasn't an issue. This of course gets old quick, I need to feel wanted and desired, I need to feel like I am pleasing my wife physically. I feel like that is a huge part of any marriage.

So here is my question. I have seriously been considering using an escort service or prostitute to hopefully gain a little self confidence back, because even though she says and I know its not me its her, I cant help the way I feel. The sad part is I think she may even be ok with it as long as I stop bothering her for sex. Is this an idea that I should entertain? Should I ask her, which of course would let the cat out of the bag? Should I just do it and not tell her? I want my wife back but at this rate she will be in a wheelchair by the time she's 40.

I don't want to cheat or have a one night stand, like I said I love my wife. However I don't know what to do, please, any suggestion?


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

Don't cheat. 

Getting a prostitute? Yuck. All you are going to do is introduce STD's to your already sick wife.


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

scely714 said:


> Let me start by saying that I love my wife with all my heart and do not have any problems except this one BIG issue.


Cheating is one quick way to ruin this. 



scely714 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 yrs she is 33 and I am 41 we have 2 children ages 7 and 2. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia which makes sex extremely painful for her.


More than likely, she is on medication that will suppress her immune system. Bringing in a prostitute is not only wrong, mean, and cruel...but extremely dangerous and negligent.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Always_Ready said:


> Cheating is one quick way to ruin this.
> 
> 
> 
> More than likely, she is on medication that will suppress her immune system. Bringing in a prostitute is not only wrong, mean, and cruel...but extremely dangerous and negligent.


Well whats the answer than, I cant help feeling like less of a man. I don't want to cheat but I don't want a sexless marriage either.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Always_Ready said:


> Don't cheat.
> 
> Getting a prostitute? Yuck. All you are going to do is introduce STD's to your already sick wife.


Thanks I get what your saying, condoms alleviate the STD thing.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Escort (STD), Prostitute (STD), girl walking by.(STD)......cheating is cheating. I know it doesn't seem fair that you are not getting your needs filled. Nor do I think your wife is being fair. Have you spoken to the doctor's to see if there can be something done to help the issues?


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

scely714 said:


> Thanks I get what your saying, condoms alleviate the STD thing.


Not all the time. You'd be surprised how many people think this too. STD's are tricky...condoms wont always protect you.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

scely714 said:


> Thanks I get what your saying, condoms alleviate the STD thing.



Wanna make a bet? I have a million dallars that can prove you different:wtf: Wanna place a bet?


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Tomara said:


> Escort (STD), Prostitute (STD), girl walking by.(STD)......cheating is cheating. I know it doesn't seem fair that you are not getting your needs filled. Nor do I think your wife is being fair. Have you spoken to the doctor's to see if there can be something done to help the issues?


Thanks for the reply and I know the whole STD risk, goes to show you how desperate I am. I agree she isn't being fair, we have talked to the Dr. and there really isn't much we can do or (and this is the part that's really maddening) she isn't willing to try them. Its easier for her just to stop having sex altogether than to try new things. This is one of the reasons I have even considered other venues.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm not going to judge you scely, but I do want to tell you that the strategy you're thinking of will be ineffective. Paying for sex will more than likely "lower" your confidence, not raise it. You'll start questioning why you have to pay for it. It's not a road you want to go down.

Do you know what your wife's long term prognosis is?


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

Then get a divorce. Just because you're desperate enough to risk disease, doesn't mean that your wife is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tomara said:


> Wanna make a bet? I have a million dallars that can prove you different:wtf: Wanna place a bet?


How much do you want to bet that he can't pass an std to his wife if she's not doing anything with him anyway?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't you people have any advise that doesn't consist of judging, blaming the denied man and shaming? Any thoughts on getting his wife to come to the table. The dismissive attitude of this man's problems is really troubling. Stop projecting your anger at your own husbands and get real.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm not going to judge you scely, but I do want to tell you that the strategy you're thinking of will be ineffective. Paying for sex will more than likely "lower" your confidence, not raise it. You'll start questioning why you have to pay for it. It's not a road you want to go down.
> 
> Do you know what your wife's long term prognosis is?


Thanks for the reply, well she has had two surgeries to fuse her wrist and thumb so she has no movement of those. She takes Remacaid infusions every 6 weeks and has been referred to surgeon for hip and knee replacement. Money for those procedures is becoming an issue but without them she will be in a wheel chair by the time she is 40, she is 33 now. 

I see your point about paying for sex, however Im really at a loss for what to do.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Don't cheat. Leave your wife if you must, but don't heap the pain of betrayal on her.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Always_Ready said:


> Then get a divorce. Just because you're desperate enough to risk disease, doesn't mean that your wife is.


 Thanks for nothing, kinda hard to give her an STD if she's not having sex with me.


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

scely714 said:


> She throws me a bone once a month or so if I'm lucky but it is always "hurry up and get this over with".


Ummmm...once a month is nothing now? :scratchhead:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Always_Ready said:


> Ummmm...once a month is nothing now? :scratchhead:


If he had a girlfriend he could easily pass on the once a month pity sex.


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't you people have any advise that doesn't consist of judging, blaming the denied man and shaming? Any thoughts on getting his wife to come to the table. The dismissive attitude of this man's problems is really troubling. Stop projecting your anger at your own husbands and get real.


The thing is...

He is talking about getting sex from a prostitute. He wanted validation for that. He didn't ask how he could help things with his wife. He asked if he should hire a prostitute and not tell. 

Once I mentioned STD's, he completely dismissed it and said he was desperate enough...that is disgusting. His ill wife, who is (I would bet money on this, I work in the health industry) on meds that lower her immune system, always in pain, and has a husband coming online to ask someone to validate cheating on her. Sorry, no sympathy. I've lived in a sexless marriage, and mostly because of health reasons (on his part, not mine), so I can relate, but I wont make it seem like cheating is ok.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Always_Ready said:


> The thing is...
> 
> He is talking about getting sex from a prostitute. He wanted validation for that. He didn't ask how he could help things with his wife. He asked if he should hire a prostitute and not tell.
> 
> Once I mentioned STD's, he completely dismissed it and said he was desperate enough...that is disgusting. His ill wife, who is (I would bet money on this, I work in the health industry) on meds that lower her immune system, always in pain, and has a husband coming online to ask someone to validate cheating on her. Sorry, no sympathy. I've lived in a sexless marriage, and mostly because of health reasons (on his part, not mine), so I can relate, but I wont make it seem like cheating is ok.


So the bottom line is, you don't really have any advise for how to get his wife to at least pretend to want him again.

I hope you realize that the reason he asked about prostitutes is because he's desperate for an answer, but he doesn't know the question.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Always_Ready said:


> The thing is...
> 
> He is talking about getting sex from a prostitute. He wanted validation for that. He didn't ask how he could help things with his wife. He asked if he should hire a prostitute and not tell.
> 
> Once I mentioned STD's, he completely dismissed it and said he was desperate enough...that is disgusting. His ill wife, who is (I would bet money on this, I work in the health industry) on meds that lower her immune system, always in pain, and has a husband coming online to ask someone to validate cheating on her. Sorry, no sympathy. I've lived in a sexless marriage, and mostly because of health reasons (on his part, not mine), so I can relate, but I wont make it seem like cheating is ok.


I didn't completely dismiss it and I asked if I should ask her, that's not not telling. One question for you, are you still in this sexless marriage for health reasons and if so, instead of chastising me about my question you of all people have the answers.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Have you and your wife been to counseling over this issue? Perhaps with the help of a mediator a compromise can be reached.

If you honestly think she might be okay with an open marriage you might see what she says. I haven't myself met many of these women that are frigid (I realize your wife has extra circumstances) but love the thought of their husbands tearing up the sheets with another woman. However I hear these women exist.

Lastly I don't judge your escort remark. Much when dieting you cant get your mind off good fattening food - when being sexually starved I cant fault anyone who fantasizes about being with an enthusiastic partner in a situation where anything goes. Everyone deserves to feel desired and there are plenty of marriages where both partners feel that way. Just nobody on this board. (Yes I am aware this is an incorrect generalization.)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OP, I've never been in your position so I don't really have many ideas that don't involve ultimatums, divorce or opening up the marriage (with her knowledge). The only thing I can offer is that I know it's possible to make it work. We have a poster here, Iminlovewithmyhubby who had a severe neck injury and is in constant pain....and yet she somehow makes it work. Listening to her I have no doubt that her husband feels loved and wanted and they certainly have a good sex life. So I guess my thought is, if she truly loves you she'll be invested in finding a solution. If she's no so invested, then I guess you have to question the love. Which get's me back to the 3 I mentioned above.


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## Always_Ready (Jul 23, 2013)

No, I am not in the sexless marriage anymore. BUT...the circumstances were much different than your situation. My STBXH (soon to be ex-husband) gained A LOT of weight. To the point that doing every day tasks became almost impossible. So, on top of other things, that is the reason I left him. He COULD help his health problems, your wife cannot. 
I totally and 100% agree that holding out on sex when you are married is not right. Not that I am saying this is what you should do, or justifying anyone else, but I can see why people commit adultery so often. 
It comes down to knowing what you want and what you need to be happy in a marriage. I know that for me, I *need* sex. Obviously you feel the same. What you need to do is figure out at what cost is getting your needs met worth? Enough to leave your wife? Enough to cheat on her? Enough to risk your health? Enough to risk hers? 
Be blunt with her. NO ONE wants to hear that their spouse is unhappy, but NO ONE especially wants to hear that they are close to an affair. Tell her, things need to change. I understand that you are sick, but if things don't change, than I will start looking for sex some where else. You will need to prepare yourself for her reaction though. It might not be what you want it to be.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Wow. Such judgement. There was another very similar post the other day. I don't agree that chastising the OP is helpful. I also can see the benefit in using an escort because it removes the emotional component. But unless you live in Nevada or another country using an escort is illegal and could be sketchy. 

I think it sucks that your wife is so unwell and although you promised in sickness and health I'm not sure how your wife can love you and want you to be unhappy because of her illness. 

First, is there a way you could be sexual together without causing her pain? Like could you share fantasies while you masturbated? Is it just sex that is painful for your wife or is it everything sexual? Can you use your hands, mouths?

Second, maybe you should talk to her. You say you are actually worried that she might approve. Does that hurt you? What if she was ok with you finding sex outside of the marriage? Is that what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Have you and your wife been to counseling over this issue? Perhaps with the help of a mediator a compromise can be reached.
> 
> If you honestly think she might be okay with an open marriage you might see what she says. I haven't myself met many of these women that are frigid (I realize your wife has extra circumstances) but love the thought of their husbands tearing up the sheets with another woman. However I hear these women exist.
> 
> Lastly I don't judge your escort remark. Much when dieting you cant get your mind off good fattening food - when being sexually starved I cant fault anyone who fantasizes about being with an enthusiastic partner in a situation where anything goes. Everyone deserves to feel desired and there are plenty of marriages where both partners feel that way. Just nobody on this board. (Yes I am aware this is an incorrect generalization.)


I really agree that getting a 3rd party to mediate is a great idea. If you two fight about it, you both clam up. If it is a conversation that is led by a 3rd party (I would recommend a marriage counselor, pastor, or a professional that is pro marriage)
There may be things that add to her condition that need to be addressed. RA runs in my wife's family, her mother has it (as well as lupus) and she is in severe pain all the time. But, she also works 60 hours a week and cooks and cleans.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> she is in severe pain all the time. But, she also works 60 hours a week and cooks and cleans.


This is the kind of thing I hear all the time that causes some cognitive dissonance. The reality is, if a person is well enough to work 60 hours a week and cook and clean, then they're well enough for sexual activity. Maybe not PIV if they have a specific ailment there, but certainly well enough to do "something" for their partner. In a case like that, they're just coming up with excuses to be sexless.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the kind of thing I hear all the time that causes some cognitive dissonance. The reality is, if a person is well enough to work 60 hours a week and cook and clean, then they're well enough for sexual activity. Maybe not PIV if they have a specific ailment there, but certainly well enough to do "something" for their partner. In a case like that, they're just coming up with excuses to be sexless.


I was talking about my MIL, I have no idea how her sex life is, but if I had to make a guess, I'd say she and my FIL are doing just fine... I was just relating to the disease - I know it's really painful


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