# Lost desire for sex need advice to get it back



## Ponytail32 (Jan 1, 2014)

I'm a 32 year old woman and I'm with my husband for about 15 years we have 4 Lovely children and we are now having our 5th.
In the past couple of years my sex drive has become little or nothing close to celibacy, My poor husband has been trying to help spice things up with fantasies/role-play/ reading stories/toys etc with some excitement but the only thing is the Drive is not there.
When i was younger in my late teens and yearly twenties my drive has uncontrollable and my husband loved it when people spotted his battle scars he would have to make a story up.
But now as years went on the drive declined to little or nothing.

I need help on how to get it back.

My husband works nights and has a steady roster so we know what days off we have together between 2 days and 3 days per week.
Money is tight these days so over night trips are out.
Paid babysitters are out too.
Dinners would be rare and planned weeks in advance but we live in the country side away from Family and if family babysit its and overnight stay for them too so there would be no intimacy as the spare room is next-door to our bedroom and with thin walls.
Neither of us are taking any medication for anything.
Both of us are generally in good health.

2 of our kids are in School till 2pm and one is in play school till 12pm but we still have our 1 year old at home who does not nap or sleep during the day.

So any advice please :scratchhead:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bless your heart... You have to make do with what is possible and your family is too young and too needy for both your and your H's attention so you're kind of stuck but not completely out of options.

These are the years when the rubber meets the road in terms of commitment and character. They won't last forever, but that doesn't help you in the now.

To get your sex drive back you have to have time and energy to focus on yourself. This means exercising, extra care in grooming, spicing up your wardrobe with clothing that makes you feel sexy, and spending time thinking about sex, remembering how good it feels, imagining sexy scenarios. 

Extra cleavage, showing off your curves, super soft and feminine or lacy... As you put a little more focus on making yourself look and feel sexier, you lay the ground work for sex drive. Get a new hair do. Write out some of the sexual encounters you've had with H that you fondly recall, be explicit. Share with him some of the past sexual encounters you like to remember. Have him do the same and share with you.

As the mom to all those kids, all your thoughts and energy, plotting, planning go to the kids, the home, the family and even the schools and community. Schedule in time for yourself DAILY and during this time you take care of yourself and your marriage by doing some of the things I've outlined above.

During these years, I urge you to plan at least TWO weekends away without kids, at some point during the year. Figure out a way to make it work because this will make a big impact on your marriage for years to come.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ponytail32 said:


> I'm a 32 year old woman and I'm with my husband for about 15 years we have 4 Lovely children and we are now having our 5th.
> In the past couple of years my sex drive has become little or nothing close to celibacy, My poor husband has been trying to help spice things up with fantasies/role-play/ reading stories/toys etc with some excitement but the only thing is the Drive is not there.
> When i was younger in my late teens and yearly twenties my drive has uncontrollable and my husband loved it when people spotted his battle scars he would have to make a story up.
> But now as years went on the drive declined to little or nothing.
> ...


It seems like you need to simplify your current life as much as possible in order to devote additional resources to your husband and sex life. Also, you need to make it easier on yourselves going forward. 

I don't have any specific suggestions, but advise you to look at ways to do things more efficiently. I, being single dad with a good-sized house and demanding job, am always looking for ways to do things easier. I cook easy to reheat meals and make sure I have plenty of leftovers. I wait to shop until I need a bunch of stuff and do it all at once, and so on. If your kids have activities, play-dates, etc. you might have to limit those too.

I see the (common) themes of being busy / tired in daily life, financial pressures, and not having child care you so can get away. I also see this has been a problem for a couple of years (since you were expecting #4). I am curious, then, how you decided to have #5 (already having four young ones), since those pressures get worse as the family grows.

Also, you need to lower your standards for the circumstances needed for sex to happen. You say to have family help over for the kids requires having overnight guests - fair enough. But saying the walls are too thin is a bad excuse. You could:

* Switch the guest room with one of the kid's rooms.
* Have the guest sleep on the couch.
* Understand your guest knows they are over to help with the kids so you and your husband can be together, and go for it.

Definitely, don't have any more kids until you can manage your current family and your sex life. Also, acknowledge to your husband that you are having desire challenges, it's not his fault, and you love him and will continue to cheerfully meet his need while resolving your desire issues.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

4 young kids and 5 on the way - it is amazing that you found the time and energy to make number 5! 
first, go easy on yourself. children are nature's way of moderating the sex drive.
second, unless you have some strong and rigid religious or ethical beliefs, use some modern birth control.
third, before the time for sex, use the family person staying overnight to get some time for yourself and then for your husband and yourself to just rest and relax and refresh.
fourth, so family is too far away to babysit for a short time - do you have friends, church, anyone close by who could take the 1 yr old for a couple hours. is there any reliable day care you trust where you could save even a buck a week to cobble together enough for a half day of child care for the 1 year old? Anything?
fifth, if none of the above works then you may have to wait until #5 is old enough for play school to get your mojo back. you have 4 kids and 5 on the way! hello, it ain't rocket science - that is why you have no desire. you have to lie in the bed you've made.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:iagree: And so does your husband!


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

I applaud you. The simple fact that you are here, asking advice, and realize your problem is HUGE. I refer you to the long list of men and women who post here WISHING their spouse would see what you see. You may not know this, but half the battle is realizing the something is wrong. You have not lost your desire... its just hidden at the moment. As a husband who was in the same situation (but was lucky to have a wife who knew as you did a problem) Keep your husband close... and informed. Make sure he is involved with this search for an answer... Communication is Vital.

"My poor husband has been trying to help spice things up with fantasies/role-play/ reading stories/toys etc with some excitement but the only thing is the Drive is not there."

This is VERY telling of a husband doing what he thinks he should. Good for him too. Some men/women are not so forgiving...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Lots of women have been in the same boat during the intense child bearing and rearing years. I agree with the previous poster, who applauds you for recognizing your missing libido as an issue that deserves your attention. 

First and foremost, you do have to be realistic. Caring for four kids with number five on the way is going to be the number one drain on your time and energy for quite some time. Your sex drive isn't going to be what it was before; at least not until you start having more time for yourself. 

I think the most important thing is to tell your husband that you know he is struggling with the lack of sex. Tell him that you know it is important to a marriage, and that you are concerned and looking for ways to spark your desire. Don't let him assume that you don't care, or that you're happy without it, or that he should be ashamed of himself for wanting sex with you during this exhausting time. I think just knowing that you are aware of/feel bad about how difficult the lack of sex is for him will go a ways towards keeping his resentment at bay. 

Everyone is different, but what helped me pull out of a low desire phase was focusing on the power I had to make my husband happy and healthy and fulfilled through sex. It turned me on to know that he wanted it so bad, he needed it so bad. I also focused on my own sexuality and sensuality more. Sex is a very primal part of us all; if you go digging, you can find it. I know it's hard to find time to focus on yourself in that way, but try to make it first priority after taking care of the children. 

On days you think you'll have the opportunity to be intimate with your husband, find some extra time to focus inward, to think of yourself as a sexual person. View some porn or read some erotica, if you are so inclined. Wear sexy underwear, or none at all. Take a long shower, shave your legs, soak in the tub, put on perfume--what ever makes you feel desirable. Also spend time thinking about the pleasure you can give to him. If there are things he can do that will increase your desire, try to guide him towards those things with positive reinforcement. (I love it when you come to me right out of the shower--all I can think about is taking you into my mouth.) 

It does take more effort during these years for most women. Don't worry about getting up to your old frequency. Find a way to maintain your intimacy so that when the kids are a little older and you do finally have more time for yourself, your relationship is in tact and you can REALLY go to town again!


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

TOTALLY agree with GettinIt. Communication is THE most important thing your husband needs. Silence is acceptance, or can be perceived as such.


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## Ponytail32 (Jan 1, 2014)

Thank you everyone for all of your advice.
Anon Pink your first reply hit home the most and my Husband agrees with the Post too and others.

When we do get Intimate time its once or twice a month and our 5th child was unexpected due to I have (PCOS) not that the child is unwanted of course.
As for Family helping out they are Incapable due to their own Medical Problems etc. 

Friends have all emigrated so its just the two of Us.

Again Anon Pink your post makes the most sense.
Accipiter777 your post also helped .
GettingIt you too were wonderful.

Thank you all and i hope you all find answers you need.
I guess this post is Closed


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