# What do I do now?



## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

In need of advice on what to do with what I think as my husband's emotional affair.*

Last Saturday, I was confronted by a friend in our church who my husband texts. Before DH sent her messages, he tried to call her first and she didn't answer. She showed me my hubby's inappropriate messages and the convo went on like this.

Hubby: How're you?
Lady: Im fine, thanks.
H: Are you at work?
L: Why?
H: I heard you live near my workplace. Could I come over to your house in my free times during the week?
L: Is that so? It's not possible as I'm alone.
H: It's ok. I won't tell anybody that I'll be staying at your place on my free time.
L: It's not possible.
H: Ok then, just please don't tell anyone I chatted. Please.

For the next few days, he messaged her "hi" a few times more and she never replied. Then from then on, hubby didn't message her anymore.

For the record, she said he was texting flirty messages to her 4 years ago but she didn't respond back then as she was in a relationship. We weren't married at that time yet but we were in a serious relationship.

I confronted him on the same day I found out. He's in defensive mode, saying his intentions were innocent, that he just wanted to hang out at her place as it's closw to his workplace. It's nothing sexual or anything as he claims. He said he was sorry and is willing to change his ways. He realized it was wrong to text a woman without letting me know much more hanging out in her place without my consent! Unconvinced and hurt, I left our house Saturday evening asking for space and went back yesterday night to take more of my things. He then argued that if I leave him, I'm not giving him a chance to prove himself that nothing's going on and that he's gonna change and we can't work on fixing things when I'm away. So I stayed for the night yesterday, treating him coldly but we had sex. Stupid me... We missed each other so bad when I left for 3 days. I'm still at loss on what to do with him and our marriage... Help!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You've not been married long. Do you have any kids? Any unusual financial entanglements such as joint ownership of a business? Any other unusual complications?

At this point I would advise you to end the marriage. There is no other reason for him to have contacted her than looking to have sex with her. There is no other backstory which might explain those messages to put them in an innocent light.

If you have a herd of children or another significant complication you might try to go forward in the marriage but imo it is very high risk of him cheating on you. If you do go forward I would insist on a polygraph to rule out any other affairs you don't know about. Don't say anything yet about a poly, though. If you do try to reconcile with him you should do it with a solid plan in place. Lots of people here can give you help in that.

I am very pro marriage but in your case I would run like your a$$ is on fire. Get a full panel STD test asap. Stop having sex with him. Do a bunch of online research to see how divorce works where you live so that you have the information.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Thor said:


> You've not been married long. Do you have any kids? Any unusual financial entanglements such as joint ownership of a business? Any other unusual complications?
> 
> At this point I would advise you to end the marriage. There is no other reason for him to have contacted her than looking to have sex with her. There is no other backstory which might explain those messages to put them in an innocent light.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insight.

I asked him why he did what he did and he just says he made a mistake and he's sorry. He's not willing to admit his real intentions. I told him I needed space, he teared up a little and that's it. He asks me if I would want to stay with him... and if not, I have a choice to go. He tells me I'm young with a lot of opportunities ahead of me with a good paying job. I'm 25 btw, no kids, 3 years married. And if I leave he will be left all alone, rent a small space and just live simply so he says. 

What puzzles me is that, I'm friends with the lady, she's 22, husband is 30. Didn't he think she might reveal to me all of these things?


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Thor said:


> You've not been married long. Do you have any kids? Any unusual financial entanglements such as joint ownership of a business? Any other unusual complications?


I'm going to separate our pooled money in our joint bank accounts. Just that.

I also asked if what drove him to do that? Is it because of needs that are unmet in the relationship, a problem with me or himself? He said none of those. He also asked me to stop asking questions or initiate convo about the EA as we're trying to move on.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that he really crossed the line here and he knew that he did when he asked her twice not to tell anyone else. It's hard to tell whether he's done this before with other women based upon what you've said, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. It would be tough to trust him again. He realizes now that it was a stupid thing to do and that he's put himself in a really bad position.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I think that he really crossed the line here and he knew that he did when he asked her twice not to tell anyone else. It's hard to tell whether he's done this before with other women based upon what you've said, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. It would be tough to trust him again. He realizes now that it was a stupid thing to do and that he's put himself in a really bad position.


Yes he does. I think he did it with other women as well. If he did it back then, I MIGHT understand as we survived a 2 year long distance relationship prior to marriage. But now that we're married and thinking we're stable and him doing this is shocking to me and unimaginable. I have spoken to the parents of the lady and was adviced to try to work things out, my heart tells me to try but my logic says NO.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vandamiss,

If he is doing this with someone from CHURCH! what is he doing with people in more secular settings where good behavior is not expected?

That he would keep a candle for this woman burning from before you were married until after is a very bad sign.

I would strongly suspect that he has done this before and that this is a habit of his, establish an emotional connection, then escalate it into an affair.

Please Thank this woman, not many will do you this favor, she has saved you a lifetime of the pain of being with a cheating spouse.

Does your H also lie about other things like how much money he spends etc?

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)




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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I honestly feel like she shouldn't have even come at you with that information. He's wrong, but she could have kept it from you and not disturbed your household.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sixbravebulls said:


> I honestly feel like she shouldn't have even come at you with that information. He's wrong, but she could have kept it from you and not disturbed your household.


:wtf:

*Seriously*? So you think that her friend should just allow her to wallow in ignorance while her husband looks for a bit of strange amongst their fellow churchgoers? :scratchhead:

That's wrong!

And it is the errant husband who is disturbing the household.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> :wtf:
> 
> *Seriously*? So you think that her friend should just allow her to wallow in ignorance while her husband looks for a bit of strange amongst their fellow churchgoers? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


I said he was wrong, but sometimes it's just better to stay out of things. I saw a business contact of mine's wife out at a bar kissing some other guy. She saw me and looked like she'd seen a ghost. They have 4 kids. No way I'm blowing that household up. That's their own internal issue.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sixbravebulls said:


> I honestly feel like she shouldn't have even come at you with that information. He's wrong, but she could have kept it from you and not disturbed your household.


 If she did that, then she would not be very much of a friend now would she? 

If the husband is being inappropriate with the wife's friends from church, then he is doing or will do it with other women too. They have only been married a short time and have no children. Now is the best time for all concerned for the wife to figure things out and to decide if she wants to stay in this marriage. "Not disturbing" the household is not the goal of this site. Helping people have good marriages as they live happier and better lives is.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

TRy said:


> If she did that, then she would not be very much of a friend now would she?
> 
> If the husband is being inappropriate with the wife's friends from church, then he is doing or will do it with other women too. They have only been married a short time and have no children. Now is the best time for all concerned for the wife to figure things out and to decide if she wants to stay in this marriage. "Not disturbing" the household is not the goal of this site. Helping people have good marriages as they live happier and better lives is.


Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we all have to agree on everything. I didn't see that in the site instructions. I've been married 13 years, so I'm a veteran too. I'm just merely saying that sometimes it's best to leave other peoples' lives to themselves. I choose not to be the source of the bad news. Am I allowed to have that opinion?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sixbravebulls said:


> Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we all have to agree on everything. I didn't see that in the site instructions. I've been married 13 years, so I'm a veteran too. I'm just merely saying that sometimes it's best to leave other peoples' lives to themselves. I choose not to be the source of the bad news. Am I allowed to have that opinion?


You are allowed to have any opinion you like. Even wrong ones.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sixbravebulls said:


> Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we all have to agree on everything. I didn't see that in the site instructions. I've been married 13 years, so I'm a veteran too. I'm just merely saying that sometimes it's best to leave other peoples' lives to themselves. I choose not to be the source of the bad news. Am I allowed to have that opinion?


Let's look at the other side of the coin. Perhaps the OW was tiring of the advances. H would persist. How does one stop the advances? Tell the wife!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vandamiss said:


> I'm going to separate our pooled money in our joint bank accounts. Just that.
> 
> I also asked if what drove him to do that? Is it because of needs that are unmet in the relationship, a problem with me or himself? He said none of those. He also asked me to stop asking questions or initiate convo about the EA as we're trying to move on.


So your H is advising you on how you should move past in indiscretion by being silent. That is rug sweeping. Screw him. You ask and talk about until you are past it. You're in the driver seat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sixbravebulls said:


> Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we all have to agree on everything. I didn't see that in the site instructions. I've been married 13 years, so I'm a veteran too. I'm just merely saying that sometimes it's best to leave other peoples' lives to themselves. I choose not to be the source of the bad news. Am I allowed to have that opinion?


 Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we all are not allowed to disagree on anything. I didn't see that in the site instructions. 

Although some of us disagreed with you, we did not insult you. Stop taking things personally, and welcome to the site. Please continue posting. Healthy debate is useful in helping the OP think things through.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TRy said:


> Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we all are not allowed to disagree on anything. I didn't see that in the site instructions.
> 
> Although some of us disagreed with you, we did not insult you. Stop taking things personally, and welcome to the site. Please continue posting. Healthy debate is useful in helping the OP think things through.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Let's look at the other side of the coin. Perhaps the OW was tiring of the advances. H would persist. How does one stop the advances? Tell the wife!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK I get it. I guess the persistence is a major issue. I also guess where I differ with some of the posts is it seems like most on the site are pretty quick to go to peoples' jobs and friends and families and start spilling the beans. I guess I just hate to see other people who aren't involved hurt.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vandamiss said:


> In need of advice on what to do with what I think as my husband's emotional affair.*
> 
> Last Saturday, I was confronted by a friend in our church who my husband texts. Before DH sent her messages, he tried to call her first and she didn't answer. She showed me my hubby's inappropriate messages and the convo went on like this.
> 
> ...


Hmm. I'd be willing to bet that this ain't his first rodeo.

Start digging.

What kind of phone does he use?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sixbravebulls said:


> I honestly feel like she shouldn't have even come at you with that information. He's wrong, but she could have kept it from you and not disturbed your household.


Uhhh... what?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You're 25 with no kids.....run like the wind or you're in for a rough life.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

vandamiss said:


> I'm going to separate our pooled money in our joint bank accounts. Just that.
> 
> I also asked if what drove him to do that? Is it because of needs that are unmet in the relationship, a problem with me or himself? He said none of those. He also asked me to stop asking questions or initiate convo about the EA as we're trying to move on.


Asking him what "drove" him to it is like spoon feeding an excuse factory. Instead ask him why he made that "choice."

Him wanting you to stop asking questions is a cheaters tactic called rug sweeping and you would be wise to acquaint yourself with its nuances. 

If you do some digging you will probably find more dirt on him which will verify what your "gut" is telling you. Listen to the gut, it is usually correct.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sixbravebulls said:


> I said he was wrong, but sometimes it's just better to stay out of things. I saw a business contact of mine's wife out at a bar kissing some other guy. She saw me and looked like she'd seen a ghost. They have 4 kids. No way I'm blowing that household up. That's their own internal issue.


If they are from the same church, it is even more essential that OP's WH's behaviour is exposed, sorry your thinking is a bit back to front I'm afraid. With exposure it might shock him into getting help.

V, I think your H has some sort of problem when it comes to the ladies, abuse in the past, mummy issues whatever, but something that he needs to take up with a counselor.

If not, then you have to protect yourself as it is likely he will do the same thing again. There is something very bizarre about his behaviour.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By vandamiss
> He also asked me to stop asking questions or initiate convo about the EA as we're trying to move on.


Your husband is a cop out and cares more about him getting out of his attempt to hook up than helping you with your hurts that he did!


You have no children with this man so do not get tied down to him until you are CERTAIN that he has changed. If he does not take action to help you with your hurts that he caused I would certainly look at putting him out of your life. The responsibility to get you over your pain is his responsibility. *His action in the future will tell you a lot! Always believe ACTIONS and not words!*


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you are only married for three years and without children. Your husband is a predator. He is the pursuer in this situation. I'm sure that he had done this before. If this woman accepted his advances, he would have an affair. Lucky for you, that her husband intervened and not become a bystander like one of the posters here.

You need to see a divorce attorney to make sure that your assets are protected. You are only 25 years old. I am a career woman, 57 years old, and married for 35 years (first marriage for both of us). You deserve a loving and peaceful life. I don't believe that it will be with this man. Sorry that you are here.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Vandamiss,
> 
> If he is doing this with someone from CHURCH! what is he doing with people in more secular settings where good behavior is not expected?


Exactly. I feel scared just thinking of it.

[/QUOTE]That he would keep a candle for this woman burning from before you were married until after is a very bad sign.[/QUOTE]

That really hurts. If he would, he should've just waited for her and not propose to me. The thing is, the woman was living with her parents years back, recently she had her own space and H learns this. It hurts me to think that maybe it was her all this time, and now that there's opportunity, H plans to pursue his "plans."

[/QUOTE]I would strongly suspect that he has done this before and that this is a habit of his, establish an emotional connection, then escalate it into an affair.

Please Thank this woman, not many will do you this favor, she has saved you a lifetime of the pain of being with a cheating spouse.

Does your H also lie about other things like how much money he spends etc?

Tamat[/QUOTE]

For the past months, we argued about him keeping a bit of his salary to himself. I demanded that he be honest about it and when can't... I opened an account under my name where all my salary go.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> vandamiss said:
> 
> 
> > I'm going to separate our pooled money in our joint bank accounts. Just that.
> ...


I have been asking questions for the past days and he seems annoyed everytime. Nonetheless, I still talk about it and treat him coldly.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> vandamiss said:
> 
> 
> > In need of advice on what to do with what I think as my husband's emotional affair.*
> ...


I know. He uses Iphone 4S.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your husbands a scum bag. I'd bet money he has done this before.

You can't fix anything until he takes ownership for the massive line he has crossed. At the moment he wants you to sweep it under the carpet.

You have to offer up consequences for his behavour. Having sex with him is not offering up consequences. I say this with great respect but the way you are going you seem to be on the path to rugsweeping this. If you do so nothing will ever change and i guarantee you it will happen again as you offered up no consequences this time round.

Truley sorry you are here


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Rugs said:


> You're 25 with no kids.....run like the wind or you're in for a rough life.


Right. That's what should I do.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

commonsenseisn't said:


> vandamiss said:
> 
> 
> > I'm going to separate our pooled money in our joint bank accounts. Just that.
> ...


I asked him that, why did he make the choice of doing this? He just says I was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. Bla bla. I think he doesn't want to expose the real reason as he might ruin a possible reconciliation. But still... I want answers, no matter how painful it is to hear.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vandamiss said:


> I have been asking questions for the past days and he seems annoyed everytime. Nonetheless, I still talk about it and treat him coldly.


There is no remorse there at all, a huge red flag. If he is not prepared to deal with your pain, questions and subsequent healing, you know what you must do, leave him.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

aine said:


> sixbravebulls said:
> 
> 
> > I said he was wrong, but sometimes it's just better to stay out of things. I saw a business contact of mine's wife out at a bar kissing some other guy. She saw me and looked like she'd seen a ghost. They have 4 kids. No way I'm blowing that household up. That's their own internal issue.
> ...


I think so too, my father told me the same thing. H needs to undergo therapy or counseling. He believes there's nothing wrong with him and that he doesn't need any of those. And still insists, he's just gonna hang out at her place, nothing more. He even told me that even if we don't get back together and I decide to end the relationship, he won't admit to intentions (sexual, feelings for her or whatever) which isn't true just to save the relationship.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Mr Blunt said:


> > By vandamiss
> > He also asked me to stop asking questions or initiate convo about the EA as we're trying to move on.
> 
> 
> ...


You're right. He feels like I should get over it as soon as I can just because he said, he's sorry. At the moment, we're living under the same roof but treat each other like roommates. He deleted all accounts he used to contact the woman and promised to cut ties with her (not go to our church anymore, not go to any social functions on her presence).


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> OP, you are only married for three years and without children. Your husband is a predator. He is the pursuer in this situation. I'm sure that he had done this before. If this woman accepted his advances, he would have an affair. Lucky for you, that her husband intervened and not become a bystander like one of the posters here.
> 
> You need to see a divorce attorney to make sure that your assets are protected. You are only 25 years old. I am a career woman, 57 years old, and married for 35 years (first marriage for both of us). You deserve a loving and peaceful life. I don't believe that it will be with this man. Sorry that you are here.


Really hurts to know. But I'm thankful to know it earlier than when we already have kids. It saddens me to think that he pursues an affair with her as an exit strategy to end our relationship so he's not the one looking bad. I have to admit that for the past years, our relationship was not that great but I thought we always tried to make it work. We both got tough jobs, we work long hours etc. and we compromise a lot. He always wanted me near him, he always goes out with me etc., we do things together and now this... unbelievable.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Sports Fan said:


> Your husbands a scum bag. I'd bet money he has done this before.
> 
> You can't fix anything until he takes ownership for the massive line he has crossed. At the moment he wants you to sweep it under the carpet.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I wouldn't be having sex with him from now on. We are still under the same roof treating each other like roommates. He doesn't text or call me the way he used to as I reply with bitterness. He gets all the chores done when I'm home, tries to kiss me and hug whatsoever. He tells me he's just gonna show by actions that he's truly sorry...


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

aine said:


> vandamiss said:
> 
> 
> > I have been asking questions for the past days and he seems annoyed everytime. Nonetheless, I still talk about it and treat him coldly.
> ...


He accepts the way I treat him but he doesn't agree that we go over and over to what happened.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Here is the sad truth. If it does not start out well it will never be well. Are you prepared to spend the rest of this marriage policing your H?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vandamiss,

You are only 25, but your WH is already going for a younger woman, 22, and he is 30. Sounds like he is never going to mature and will keep searching for woman who are at his level of maturity, LOL.

Please do yourself a favor and end this marriage.

Tamat


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> I confronted him on the same day I found out. *He's in defensive mode*, saying his intentions were innocent, that he just wanted to hang out at her place as it's close to his workplace. It's nothing sexual or anything as he claims. He said he was sorry and is willing to change his ways. He realized it was wrong to text a woman without letting me know much more hanging out in her place without my consent! Unconvinced and hurt, I left our house Saturday evening asking for space and went back yesterday night to take more of my things. *He then argued that if I leave him, I'm not giving him a chance to prove himself that nothing's going on and that he's gonna change and we can't work on fixing things when I'm away. *So I stayed for the night yesterday, treating him coldly but we had sex. Stupid me... We missed each other so bad when I left for 3 days. I'm still at loss on what to do with him and our marriage... Help!





> I also asked if what drove him to do that? Is it because of needs that are unmet in the relationship, a problem with me or himself? He said none of those. *He also asked me to stop asking questions or initiate convo about the EA as we're trying to move on.*





> For the past months, we argued about him keeping a bit of his salary to himself.* I demanded that he be honest about it and when he can't... *I opened an account under my name where all my salary go.


 @vandamiss, do you see the parts above that I've bolded? Those parts of your situation make me VERY concerned. Here's why:

The first bold is an attempt to intimidate and manipulate you. If he were sincere in his apology and if he truly wanted to change, he would change whether you were there or not, because deep down in his heart of hearts he SEES the issue, admits to himself that it's wrong, and wants to be different. The fact that he said out loud that if you don't stay, he won't change means that his intention is to fake it for a while until you settle down and then he'll be right back to it. He told you this RIGHT OUT LOUD (which is brazen), so if it were me, I'd stay away and let his actions speak louder than his words. Do not listen to what he says!! Those are only words to try to get you back "to the way it was." Instead, listen to what he DOES. Does he go talk the pastor? Does he admit there's a problem and look for a counselor...on his own? Does he book and appointment and get himself there...on his own? If not...then his actions are telling you that he does not intend to change. 

The second bold shows that he intends to rugsweep this infidelity. Okay quick side note: "Fidelity" means giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to your spouse and only your spouse (no "other opposite sex person"). I believe this article on my site may be eye-opening for you: The difference between Reconciliation and Rug Sweeping | AFFAIRCARE If you read the article, you'll see that *rugsweeping *denies that there was a problem and pretends everything is okay–this does not lead to recovery--whereas *True Reconciliation* acknowledges the problems, each party looks at their own self, each party does their own work AND does the work to build the marriage-–this DOES lead to recovery.

The last bold is like the final nail in the coffin to me. Your husband keeps some of his money SECRET from you. He's not open and transparent but keeps things HIDDEN. Now, people will often confuse "privacy" and "secrecy" so let's define those for a minute. "Privacy" is getting dressed with the door shut or going the bathroom with the door closed. You are still your True Self and you let others see the True You; you are transparent. "Secrecy" is hiding your True Self and keeping things like who you truly are, where you truly go, who you're truly with, and things you truly do HIDDEN. You are NOT your True Self and you don't let others see the True You; you are dishonest. 

So you asked him for honestly and (your words) HE CAN'T. He can not be honest with you. Think about that a moment. 

So in summary what do we have? A man who said out loud he intends to make promises so things go back the way they were and then he'll be back to his old ways. A man who intends to rugsweep the FACT that he is (present tense) unfaithful. And a man who can not be open, honest and transparent!

In my opinion that does not sound good.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

vandamiss said:


> I asked him that, why did he make the choice of doing this? He just says I was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. Bla bla. *I think he doesn't want to expose the real reason as he might ruin a possible reconciliation.* But still... I want answers, no matter how painful it is to hear.


See my *bolded text* above. THAT is the big issue he is worried about now. He's in damage control mode. His goal right now is to keep you from leaving, do so while providing as little information as possible, and ultimately offer only enough information to convince you that he won't do it again and convince you to give him another chance. He will want to rug sweep as much of this as he can as quickly as he can. He might even resort to defenses like trying to make you feel bad for "not dropping it" or for violating his privacy if you start snooping or asking too many questions, or trying to control him if you start insisting on something from him.

With that said, I want to play devil's advocate here just a bit and explain that this is the perfectly natural response for him to have. Him responding this way doesn't make him a worse person/husband. He's reacting in fear, that's all it is. 

So here's my view. Do not make any major life decisions rashly. Do not go straight to a Lawyer's office to file divorce, or certainly not to seek advice on whether to get a divorce. (That's not a Lawyer's job). Instead, as long as he isn't violent, I would advise finding a good marriage counselor locally. I'm guessing he'll be willing to go, given the situation he is in. In fact, I suggest you INSIST that he go, as that would be the very least he could do in this situation.

Honestly, I bet the reason he is confused about why you keep bringing it up is because of what he perceives as the mixed signal you sent him on Monday. That being that he was able to convince you to stay at home that night (in order to "work on it" together), and then you had sex with him. Remember for men, they interpret sex as love in many ways. If we men are "in trouble," with our significant other, that usually means that we aren't going to be having sex. If that happens however, I can certainly understand why he might feel that the worst of this situation is over and that you'll both be moving past it soon.

So again, I suggest finding a counselor and setting an appointment. THEN tell your husband when and where it will be and that you expect him to be there if he wants to preserve a chance at saving the marriage. From there you can work on digging into the truth of what he's really been up to. He needs to understand that in a situation like this, the revealing the truth is probably not going to be as bad as continuing to try to cover it up. Having something like this happen to you is bad enough, but being so obviously lied to about it repeatedly and being pressured to drop it is like being victimized a 2nd and 3rd time.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> vandamiss said:
> 
> 
> > I asked him that, why did he make the choice of doing this? He just says I was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. Bla bla. *I think he doesn't want to expose the real reason as he might ruin a possible reconciliation.* But still... I want answers, no matter how painful it is to hear.
> ...


Thank you for your insight. When we haven't had sex yet, he seemed to be distant to me, he tries to initiate convo, do things for me, has serious expressions. After we had sex, he became talkative like he used to, he's all smiles and seems like his back on his usual self. You're right when you said for him the worst of this situation is over, but for me it's not. Though we had sex, I still don't talk to him and I'm not at all affectionate. We still don't text or call each other while at work like we used to. He tries to reach out and act like nothing has happened, that we're moving forward but for me, it's not!

I told him that we see our church pastor to ask for counsel but he refuses. He says that he made a mistake and gonna show he's sorry to me, he knows he's wrong and hurt me but no need to talk to the pastors about this. He even told me that there is really no reason why he chose to do this, telling me even I choose to leave him, he's not gonna say he likes/loves the woman or has sexual intentions with her well in fact there's none! He tells me I can't force him to say something when it's not real just to save our relationship. 

Until now, we don't talk properly. I leave the house and treat him like a roommate. I don't know what to do, how to treat him etc.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> > I confronted him on the same day I found out. *He's in defensive mode*, saying his intentions were innocent, that he just wanted to hang out at her place as it's close to his workplace. It's nothing sexual or anything as he claims. He said he was sorry and is willing to change his ways. He realized it was wrong to text a woman without letting me know much more hanging out in her place without my consent! Unconvinced and hurt, I left our house Saturday evening asking for space and went back yesterday night to take more of my things. *He then argued that if I leave him, I'm not giving him a chance to prove himself that nothing's going on and that he's gonna change and we can't work on fixing things when I'm away. *So I stayed for the night yesterday, treating him coldly but we had sex. Stupid me... We missed each other so bad when I left for 3 days. I'm still at loss on what to do with him and our marriage... Help!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think I missed to tell a very important part of the incident. Last Saturday was the day of the confrontation with the girl. I got evidences from her and I immediately asked the counsel of our two pastors on what to do. So the three of us went home without my H knowing. He was shocked to see them and had a big confrontation. He admitted he texted the girl, said he was wrong and shouldn't have done it. H acted nervous, aggressive and proud. He wouldn't accept any counsel given that day so the pastors decided to stop and leave. H and I got into a huge argument, he asked me why I didn't tell them they're coming and then I left.

The night when I went back home to pick up more of my things... he told me why would I leave when a problem like this arose. He says that a married couple should stay together and talk this over. So I stayed that night until now...

Sorry I have used the wrong words there. I was in total shock while I posted this issue. Back then, he told me he wants to keep a part of his salary to himself but I don't want that as we agreed to have a joint account. I asked if he has money kept and he said yes, told him to show me and he showed me everything. Told him, it's unfair to keep money like that but he says, he deserves it. I got angry so I decided to open an account under my name. We have separate accounts now.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

TBH, after a few days of reflection... I want to work this out with my husband. I still want my marriage. But I really don't know where to start...

-He says he is sorry and he knows he's wrong. He says he loves me and wants us to move in from this. (Still questionable?) He says he won't apologize repeatedly as words are meaningless. He'll just show by actions.
-He already cut ties with the woman. We'll have to change where we go for church so he says in order to sever all contacts.
-He answered my questions except the WHY. Told me even if I choose to leave him over the WHY, he couldn't give me an answer to that. He says it would be crazy to say he likes/loves her or even obssess on her when in fact, he really isn't.
-I still act cold around him, he tries to reach out. Until now, no texts or phone calls happen between us.

I'm so lost.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

V,

I am having a hard time seeing this marriage moving forward when there still seems to be a gap between you too, his odd and secretive behavior is a bit disturbing and quite frankly with out outside help I don't see you moving on mentally, below the surface will be doubt, and with doubt comes a complete lack of openness and trust, and over time that will lead to other issues.


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## vandamiss (Sep 9, 2015)

Xenote said:


> V,
> 
> I am having a hard time seeing this marriage moving forward when there still seems to be a gap between you too, his odd and secretive behavior is a bit disturbing and quite frankly with out outside help I don't see you moving on mentally, below the surface will be doubt, and with doubt comes a complete lack of openness and trust, and over time that will lead to other issues.



Thank you for this... I would be going home tonight. I'm sure he will act normal. What would I do? How will I react? Will I ignore him? Or talk this over and encourage him that we seek outside help once more? 

Last night, he was pissed as I asked him to not sleep in the bedroom. Maybe he was acting like that coz we already had sex and now I'm acting like that? For the past days, he prepared my breakfast and kisses me before I go to work, but this morning nothing. I'm getting the feeling that if I can't move on from this, it's no use to pursue me anyways so he withdraws now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Until he can admit that he was a predator with her, you won't be able to have productive communication. I would be surprised if any one here thought that his aim was not sexual. It simply sounds like he was propositioning her for a little bit of side fun during the day. That is clearly what she thought and that is why she told you.

Right now you are not talking at all about it, but even if you were communicating, it wouldn't get you anywhere unless he started admitting his motives.

I would tell him that he has to come clean and go to counseling or you can't consider continuing the marriage. I agree with some of the others that there may well be a pattern here, and thus other women he has approached this way.

I wouldn't agree to MC without his having some IC first, and I would only do this after he tells you the truth. (Honestly, if he weren't trying to have sex with her, his texts would be either alarmingly juvenile or somehow mentally disturbed.)


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He is prioritizing his image over your marriage. 

Unremorseful. This is not his first rodeo. That I can promise.

If I were you, I would exposed to your pastor anyway, just before having him served with divorce papers.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Vandamiss, he has secretly assaulted your marriage. Then when caught, he wants you to get over it.

And you are willing to simply overlook this to keep your marriage?

Why do you have such little respect for yourself?

There is no marriage as long as he insists on sweeping this under the rug.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You're falling for his gas-lighting. He is telling you he had no bad intentions, and you are slowly starting to believe him. Nobody here believes him.

I think you are not seeing the real him. You are seeing the person you believed he was. When he acts normal around you, you think he really is that good person you believed him to be. But he's not. He's doing these things behind your back such as propositioning the other woman and secretly hiding his money. That's the real him!

He isn't worthy of your trust.

If you stay it will only be more and more of this. Leaving may be difficult, but you have your entire life ahead. You deserve better than a cheater and a liar.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

vandamiss said:


> TBH, after a few days of reflection... I want to work this out with my husband. I still want my marriage. But I really don't know where to start...
> 
> -He says he is sorry and he knows he's wrong. He says he loves me and wants us to move in from this. (Still questionable?) He says he won't apologize repeatedly as words are meaningless. He'll just show by actions.
> -He already cut ties with the woman. We'll have to change where we go for church so he says in order to sever all contacts.
> ...


Dear vandamiss,

While I agree with the other posters that your best course of actions, given that you have no children, is to divorce your WH, if you want to try to salvage your marriage you should find a good marriage counselor and insist that he go with you for counseling.

I good marriage counselor in your case is one with lots of experience dealing with infidelity who doesn't excuse the wayward spouse and ask to the betrayed spouse simply to 'get over it.'

Maybe, with the help of a good counselor, he will admit that what he did was seriously wrong, will begin to demonstrate remorse and will start to address the character defects that led to his bad behavior. Until these things happen, you have zero chance of ever having a good marriage with him.

Wishing you the best.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sixbravebulls said:


> I honestly feel like she shouldn't have even come at you with that information. He's wrong, but she could have kept it from you and not disturbed your household.



Just like some people will walk by a woman being raped and think it's none of my bisiness.

No! You pull a 45 and send them to hell!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Does this work for you?

He is no different then a women who draw their self worth from the attention and desire of multiple men around them. Sooner or later, although they did not mean to and it was just sex, they commit adultery.

What is your opinion of members of your own gender in this regard? 

Finally on some things guys really need a 2x4 to the mid section to wake them up. Note I said mid section, first rule of fighting in a marriage: no head or groin shots. Second rule do not pull punches to mid section. The only reassurance you need to give him is you are willing to help HIM SAVE his marriage. Some will disagree and say it is up to him to do the heavy lifting and I agree. But perhaps you need to be clear what needs to be done and why, sucks since he should know.


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