# Hubby Cheating....moved out...need advice...



## HappyWifeHappyLife (Oct 12, 2013)

I have been married for 15 years + 6 dating. At year one of dating he said he thought he could do better. We broke up. I stopped all contact. 1 year later, he came back. We got married. At year 7 of marriage he went to vegas came home acted weird, I asked if he cheated on me? He said "NO!" 3 weeks later a dr release came to the house stating he did NOT have any STD's. I calmly confronted. It took 30 minutes but he finally started crying telling me it was a hook up with a porn girl there. I forgave him and he was mad at me for over a week...why? "All my friends cheat and I do it once and get caught!?" 

Fast forward till this past May when he took up with a girl from work. I found out because he was acting so weird...and I used Find My Iphone and found him in a hotel instead of at his buddy's house in Chicago. (we live in LA) He didn't call that whole weekend (he normally calls all the time) and when he arrived home I confronted him and he confessed right away. That night he said he was going to stop talking to her. The affair had been going on via phone for 7 weeks. 

As I'm sure you guessed he didn't stop talking to her and I asked him to move out if he was going to continue his relationship. He chose to move out but said, "I'm not leaving you for her...i'm leaving you for you." Ok. 

Since then I was mad for about a month and then came to the conclusion: I still love him and want to be married still to him.

Problem is he isn't sure. He claims he is confused and still lives alone in a one room place by the beach. He loves it there....she comes down from San Fran to visit 2 times a month and has also said "If I want to date a girl I met at Starbux I want to be able to!" I caught him with the SF girl and he said he cried for 2 days. He also loves coming over the house (he calls it "Home" and his apartment "my place") and comes over his 3 'assigned nights plus whenever there is something going on with the kids. He sits on the couch and watches TV, football or hangs out. He does do the laundry and other stuff around here...but he has a girlfriend and other aspirations. 

We go to therapy SEPARATELY. He says he's not ready to work on the marriage yet and goes solo and says to me often: you work on you, i'll work on me and if we come together...great. 

Background: His dad died the year before and he just started pulling away. I was worried, didn't know what to do....instead of reaching for him I got scared and watched him more than approaching him. I realize now that was wrong and have told him that. (we still had sex though - so I believed everything was ok) he was angry and constantly trying to fight with me. He now says "I haven't been happy in 16 years." (we've been married 15) and he says repeatedly "You've controlled me and told me what to do, now I'm standing up for myself and doing what I want to do." He also says, “I didn’t have an affair for sex, that was good, I did it for an emotional connection.” I find that weird. I had an emotional connection to him and everyone I know. He doesn’t. I sometimes feel he doesn’t know how...

Our therapist says he's 16 and rebelling against his mom. Me - i'm the mom. I am 2 years older than him. I'm not a controlling person but over the years he's been so soft on decisions with our 3 kids (13, 9 and 7) and a house we built that I'd be the only one to have an opinion and that was the way we went. I grew up in a large family in chicago - if you had an opinion, you need to say it. He grew up in a home with parents that hated each other and his dad never said he loved him. So I can see what he calls controlling.

Question: I want to keep my marriage. He has rewritten our past to make every memory a nightmare. (never was ever happy) (He is on anti-depressants and has panic attacks). We used to have great sex up until 5 days AFTER I found out he cheated - we came home from seeing our pastor who told us to go home and hold each other and we came home and had the best sex ever. That was in May. That was the last time we touched each other more than a hug.

I'd love to hear any proven advice on what should I do....(someone who did something to snap their spouse out of their fog and got them to return to their family) I've spent the past 5 months going to classes, reconnected with friends, having a blast and have maintained a positive happy attitude. I'm kind, open, loving, caring, and tell him how much I appreciate him when he's with the kids, takes out the trash, does dishes and laundry. Because I think that is important to say to any human.

Nothing has worked. Yesterday after spending time on this site and reading responses, I told him I didn't want him on the couch today watching the game....he could take the kids to the local pub. He didn't want to go but I said I didn't want him here So he took them out, texted complaining the whole time and when he came home, he took his phone upstairs and was texting someone in the dark in our (well mine now) bedroom. 

I found him and told him politely that i've got the kids now he can go and he said goodbye to the kids and left. 

Our old therapist said not to push him away or lose contact because he'll run to the other girl or any girl. But I don't know. I've got the nice and kind thing but what about boundaries? Do I change the locks, file for legal separation? We have to see each other all the time because of the kids sports/games...like tonight...we're going to dinner with another family. Is that okay? I'm thinking the more he sees me the better? But then I'm like maybe that is wrong. He needs to NOT see me? Did anyone do the NC thing and it drew the other in...they actually missed you? I kinda want him to see me happy but away from him...but maybe that is wrong. Yet I think if I was out of sight I'd be out of mind because he has been so bitter and angry at me. Good riddance? I'm being negative on myself and that is wrong. But when someone creates 'new memories' in their head....you can't beat that, right?

Thanks in advance for your help and support. My goal is keeping my family together. Period.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here. It is really demoralizing to be cheated on. But why are you allowing yourself to be abused. If he wants to be separated, then separate! Don't let him have his marriage and his single life as well. Quite frankly, I think you need to tell him this is unacceptable and that you will to be his backup plan. File and do the 180. 

I really am not certain what you are hanging on to, but if you really want to save your marriage you need to be willing to lose it. (actually you don't have a marriage right now to my way of thinking)


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

My understanding is that the 180 generally (but not always) tends to work best when people still live together. If already separated, I don't think it's necessarily going to pull him back, if that's the goal.

Yes, he's rewritten marital history to justify his horrible behavior - the being unhappy for 16 years and emotional connection stuff is bunk. This may partly be due to the fact that depressed people see the glass half full and don't process reality accurately. But mainly he's in affair fog.

It might be better to think of ways to get him out of the fog sooner. How about his mother - does he care what she thinks? If so, does she know what's going on? How about the pastor? Does the pastor know he wants his to have his cake and eat it too (continue to see the girl from work)? Would he care what the pastor thinks about this, knowing you are still married with no plans to divorce?

If there's nobody else who has influence with him, I think some boundaries might be worth a try. Let him know YOU are feeling uncomfortable with this arrangement, and since you can't drop in on his place whenever you like, you think you need to have your place be YOURS, and you would like to change the locks so that you can feel that it's more fair. Let him know it's not his "home" anymore - he can't just drop in where you sleep, just as you can't just drop in where he sleeps. It doesn't mean you've decided on divorce, it just means you're separated - which you clearly are - and people who are separated have to have SEPARATE homes.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He wants to be married but also have his girlfriend - in other words, he wants his cake and eat it, too. This is fine as long as you are OK with it.

I would never be OK with this. I would start the divorce proceeding and begin to move on with my life. You can't nice him back, in my opinion, as long as he gets to have you and her at the same time.

Sorry, I know you want some strategy that will reel him back in, but there really isn't one. The best thing is for you to act like you're moving on. If he sees what he is losing, he might come around. He certainly won't with the situation the way it is now.

FWIW, I don't think he deserves you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband married above him. Way, waaaay above him.

He does not deserve you.

And any therapists that let him get away with stuff? No. Not good.

Any children?

I think you need to find a man, not a man-child.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

He has no idea what the loss of the life he knows entails. Show him. It may be what he needs... Right now he is just inviting you to participate in his charade of a life. You don't have a marriage... Read your vows... How many remain in tact? 

File. Maybe it will snap him out of his fog. If it doesn't it was already over. Acceptance IMO is the most painful part of the process.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

I would tell him that now that you are separated you want to date also, I would tell him to plan on calling first before he comes over form now on, and that nothing needs to change other than you need your privacy in your own home at this point.

See how he handle the suggestion that you too will be having a good time. I can promise you, there will be a reaction.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

He will not like this change of events, and you should go out a couple nights a week, even if it is just with friends, get a sitter and the kids will let him know you have not been home every night.... I predict his focus will become totally on you, and when he is with his girlfriend he will be texting you about all type of mundane things....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hopefulgirl said:


> My understanding is that the 180 generally (but not always) tends to work best when people still live together. If already separated, I don't think it's necessarily going to pull him back, if that's the goal.


The 180 is not done to pull the WS back into the marriage. It’s done to help the BS separate and heal. It’s done by the BS until the WS agrees to end the affair, ends all contact with their affair partner and agrees to reconcile.

And it works whether the couple is still living in the same house or living elsewhere.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

The 180 is a technique that comes from the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. She takes a pro-marriage stance and is pretty clear about wanting to save marriages - I believe the technique as she presents it is at least equally intended to grab the attention of the spouse who has "checked out" of the marriage, and to get that spouse to start reconsidering his/her dumb choices. I think TAM takes a pro-BS spin on it, and focuses more on the very real benefits to the spouse who has been so terribly demoralized: the technique absolutely benefits someone who's feeling rotten from being treated so badly.

But when you're not living together, the WS can't observe the 180 behaviors on a day to day basis, so it doesn't have the same impact on the WS in terms of the marital relationship. It's still great, though, for helping a BS to feel stronger and build self-respect.

HappyWifeHappyLife - your stated goal is saving your marriage. The Divorce Busting website/forum might be a good place to check out since they are very focused on that over there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your "husband" and I use that term lightly, has been showing and telling you who he is ever since you met him. He can do better? He's beeen looking since he met you. He's worthless, go 180 and start looking for areal man and do not settle for a wuss next time. Good luck and prayers.

Btw, change the locks, do NOT let him in your home. He has moved out, you don't have to let him in. The more you give him, the less he respects you.

Let him pick up the kids, be dressed to the nines and go out " on a date". It doesn't matter if you're just going to the library.

You should know, you can't fix a serial cheater. He will never be husband material.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

What you are doing right now clearly isn't working, so you need to change your behaviour - you can't change his.

Commence divorce proceedings. This is the only way you will know if he is serious about your marriage.

Confront the other woman if you want. Show her you will "fight" for "your man", but don't do this via your husband. Whether you end up with your husband or not is irrelevant. What this woman has done is wrong and she needs to be told as much.

Post both he and his "lover" on Cheaterville. It works.

Finally, as has been said earlier and, indeed, many times before, you have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it.

You are now effectively engaged in a game of "chicken" with your husband. You have to begin to end this non existant marriage and be prepared to follow through if he doesn't relent. 

After all, if he doesn't relent then you need to move on and get things formalised - for your sake and that of your children.

Your husband's behaviour is appalling. What sort of lesson are you and he giving your children?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry to hear what you are going though. Your h is a cheater, do not continue to have sex with him. He does not love you or he wants to live a polygamist life with more than one woman. He is selfish is blaming you for what he did. Why do you want to stay married to him? why do you keep let him inside the house, he has another woman, divorce him. Good luck.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Your husband makes me want to punch something. 

Your husband wants to be single. Do not let yourself be a consolation prize when he is done using whichever skank is currently using.


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