# Ice breakers for the "I need better sex" talk



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Need some thoughts/suggestions on how to open up a dialog with my wife about our crappy sex life.

Background: married 7 years, together for 16. Had a good marriage and seems like things went south a year ago. I simply cant take the lack of sex, lack of good sex, and the plain old routine. we do have alot of stress right now with te economy and family, but I simply cnat take it anymore.

So, how do I begin the converstion with teh bride about this. In the past all efforts have proved pointless. I am vey good at business type communication and negoitiations, but seems like I simply cant talk with her. I do use words/phrases like " I feel", I think", or "How I feel", verses the "you, you, you" stuff, but still she simply either calls me a idiot for feeling that way or I am wrong.

Any help with how to present this one to the wife? Thanks in advance for the time.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Minncouple said:


> Need some thoughts/suggestions on how to open up a dialog with my wife about our crappy sex life.
> 
> Background: married 7 years, together for 16. Had a good marriage and seems like things went south a year ago. I simply cant take the lack of sex, lack of good sex, and the plain old routine. we do have alot of stress right now with te economy and family, but I simply cnat take it anymore.
> 
> ...


Maybe its time to stand up for yourself now and start using "I want". Ultimately, if your needs aren't being met and there is no intention to put in any effort from the other side you may have to call it quits. 

The last conversation I had with my wife about our lack of a sex life went something like this:

"I want us to have sex more often. At least twice a week. And not the kind of ho-hum, are you done yet, sex. I will not stay in a marriage where there is no sex, no intimacy, and no affection. If this isn't acceptable, then tell me now and we will go our separate ways."

That was 3 months ago, and thus far it didn't work. I gave her 4 months to figure things out. Tomorrow starts her last month. I laid it out for her, and I plan to stick to it. Oct 15th I will start divorce proceedings.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

So if your sensitive statements havent worked for you, then romance her more with notes and compliments and see if that gets her in the mood better. If that doesnt work, set the tone... light candles, play music, give her a bath... not with you in it (yet) and lead her into positions she wants... ask her to tell you what she wants you to do and then do it.

If that stuff still doesnt work, then calmly state something like Boogsie... gutsy move... gotta give you props for that (and Im a wife).


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I went through this with my husband recently. I told him I wanted to talk to him when he had the time in the next week. When he was ready, he told me. I got out my paper, where I wrote down all the sex problems between us. He listened, because he is nice and respects me. (If she calls you an idiot here, get into marriage counseling fast!!!). 

I would recommend telling her she is beautiful, making her feel desirable, and asking her why she is not wanting sex with you. Then shut up and listen. It is mental. You have got to find out why she is not interested any more. Are kids distracting her? Is she angry at you over the finances? Does she no longer like orgasms - does she still masturbate? Does she think you are not giving in bed? Ask her, and listen! Do not argue or debate.

Do you only approach her physically when you want sex? Do you still look attractive to her? (Although I am pretty anyway, I dress nice and refresh my makeup before my husband gets home so I can be pretty for him, and I make sure the house is clean for him and flowers on the table, etc., and I tell him how handsome he is, and that all makes him feel closer to me; at the same time, my college kids' friends say their mom is hot and I know it's true but I still make the extra effort to look nice for him). 

We had a few talks where I told him what I needed/wanted, but in the case of wooing a woman I think you have to use romance and not state your physical needs. I also became more nice to him in daily life. As I became more nice and giving to him in daily life, he became more talkative to me about his day, and wanting more sex with me.

I learned now that lack of communication, lack of closeness between partners, will block the sex life too.

One thing that always gets him going is if I caress him, run my tickly fingers over his feet or back or arms, far from any erogenous zones, never above the knee, etc. Within a few minutes, no matter how tired he is, he will be aroused. I just found this out, after 20 years of marriage. Give her a massage, tell her this evening is only for her, you don't want anything. Masturbate before this session! See if she responds.

Let us know how it goes. If nothing works, go to marriage counseling. It helped me and my friends so much!


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

It is never about sex. It is always about communication.

Sara Ann's post looks like the winner to me so far... although there is something to be said for standing up and saying, "look, this is what I want" as well.

I think you would do well to have a frank conversation with your wife, starting with, "I am not happy with how things are going between us right now and I want to make it work." You can focus on being constructive - "here is how I want to make this work; here's what I need, what do you need?" - and still be assertive and strong, grounded in your respect for yourself and your respect for your marriage.

It is extremely important to bring romance to your marriage. Remind her why you are attracted to her, and show her in deeds rather than in just words. Most of all, though, you HAVE to get into communication.

I wouldn't even start with, "I need sex twice a week." I wouldn't start with sex at all. I would start with a conversation for restoring intimacy, the close and deep knowing of each other. That, in my opinion anyway, is the wellspring of sex. So I would say, sit down with your wife, and start talking about what you need, what you think the marriage needs, and why. 

Then, and most importantly, LISTEN. Ask her to comment on what you've said, and ask her what she thinks the marriage needs. Listen actively, testing for understanding, and ask her for more. "Tell me more about that." "Why is that?" "What is that like for you?" "What would that be like, if we had x, y, or z?" All these are good questions to keep the flow going.

A lousy sex life is ALWAYS a symptom of a communication problem in a marriage. It is NEVER anything else, EVER. Go ahead and jump on me for generalizing. It's still true.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thank you all for the replies.

A few comments:

We did go to conseuling before, mainly or my stress with my business, but also her lack of effort in the respect/sex department. She pretty much thinks she is not broekn and fine, it's all me. Consueler said at a later date, I got a touch one there.

Pretty much I plan date night once a week, either out or at home. Get cleaned up, get house cleaned, dinner, wine... She will not make an effort to even get clenaed up, and will typically be texting away with her friends or mother. Like zero effort. I have backed off caring anymore and dont put for too much effort and also expect little response so as to net get to dissappointed when she doesnt make an effort.

She is busy and family/work does stress here. I can understand that. I try to handle alot around the house, clean, shop, ext...

As far as the sex, it's always been pretty boring, same old same old and little exploring. I ahev gotten to the point where I even have a hard time finishing the deal and typically have to imagine it is someone else. If I dont take charge and do all the work, I definately would not finish. tried to tell her what I like, but she just gets upset and tells me not to tell her what to do. I have reached the point of just wanting to masterbate as it is simplier and less work for me. 

I have basically stopped trying to do the things she needs, as it doesnt get me what I need. Now we are pretty much roomates. if I was where I was 5 years ago financially, I would simply leave. Not so easy now, as I would need to provide her quality of life expenses and it would cost me double to live.

I pretty much try to avoid her, and just be alone. It relaly makes me sad, and I'm so tired of living like this.

Sorry for the rant, and appreciate the comments.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Lack of sex can also be a problem within the partner who is holding out, such as an addiction, depression, or an affair.

Gauge the health of your marriage. How much do you feel loved? I bet if you feel loved, the sex is good too. A partner with the above problems is not capable of making you feel loved.

You mentioned counseling. I wonder why you stopped, when you are still hurting from this?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

sharing and see responses below yours

Pretty much I plan date night once a week, either out or at home. Get cleaned up, get house cleaned, dinner, wine... She will not make an effort to even get clenaed up, and will typically be texting away with her friends or mother. Like zero effort. I have backed off caring anymore and dont put for too much effort and also expect little response so as to net get to dissappointed when she doesnt make an effort.

Judith some women struggle with not wanting it only becuase of emotional reasons and that it has nothing to do with biological or medical or physical reasons. Sometimes they need to choose to make it a priority and figure out why they struggle with it in not wanting it. Maybe have you talk with her why she doesn't want it and see what she says. SOme women have to put it on the calendar and so they can think it in wanting it. For a woman she doesn't always have the biological to remind her taht she wants it. Sometimes women need to wear sexy clothing to help them remember they are sexy and want sex. This is true. 

She is busy and family/work does stress here. I can understand that. I try to handle alot around the house, clean, shop, ext...

Judith: Two books come to mind about this sort of thing. Even for busy women they need to make a schedule for it so taht they can do it even if they dont want to to help themselves to want it. 
One book called 365 nites of sex. every day-The gal learned in result of not wanting it and offering this to her spouse that she found that it benefit alot of the relationship nonsexually. She didn't realize how it benefit the relationship nonsexually. After the gift was over for her spouse-she and he decided they need to schedule it. But didnt' always stick to the same schedule. 

The other book about she rather eat choc than have sex-it came to a point where her spouse separated from her in the same house. She had to figure out why she didn't want it. So they agreed to try something for while and talk it out before they engage in it. So they set a agreement for her to do waht she wanted and he still had some choices in it. He agreed to pick the days and initiate but she got to do what she wanted to enter back into have the desire to want it. Later on after some months she and he re evaluated it and change some things slightly to where she wanted it more often than she did -I think she schedule it too. But they both were flexible in decided when even when they schedule it. 

As far as the sex, it's always been pretty boring, same old same old and little exploring. I ahev gotten to the point where I even have a hard time finishing the deal and typically have to imagine it is someone else. 

Judith: Have you discussed it with her as to why she doesn't want it. She may not realize that she has to help herself along -She may not realize taht scheduel it and making it a priority and doing it-helps her to help her other nonsexual life. Alot of women dont know alot about sex and how to compromise and enjoy t as well as enjoy it with what he wants. 

Male female differences alot of women dont realize why the man wants certain things. Do you start out with a nonsexual massage first and then move into the other. Do you explore her body first to help her relax. She needs mental and emotional relaxation to get into it. Foreplay is vital anywhere and everywhere. She is not going to enjoy if you cna't get her to relax. 



If I dont take charge and do all the work, I definately would not finish. tried to tell her what I like, but she just gets upset and tells me not to tell her what to do. I have reached the point of just wanting to masterbate as it is simplier and less work for me.

Judith: She may have been taught that she can't be invovled? 
She may not realize why she needs to know waht you want. What is her background? She may feel like your controlling her when your not-

I have basically stopped trying to do the things she needs, as it doesnt get me what I need. Now we are pretty much roomates. if I was where I was 5 years ago financially, I would simply leave. Not so easy now, as I would need to provide her quality of life expenses and it would cost me double to live.

Judith: That is what happen in the book I mention above-has that scared her at all yet? roommate thing? 

I pretty much try to avoid her, and just be alone. It relaly makes me sad, and I'm so tired of living like this.

Judith: I am sorrry your hurting.. But something led to this in her mind...

Sorry for the rant, and appreciate the comments. 

What is her background what led to this point? 

What do you think?

Judith


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