# Please, let us continue...



## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

SD,

I honestly love you very much and has cherished every moment of our last whole year of effort to continue with our marriage. 

I didn't know that last night you would find my old emails and passwords & find out that aside with my multiple betrayals that you discovered last year, that I have became a prostitute for a short period of time.

It is my fault that I have lied to you so many times before our marriage. It all started out with things that we couldn't agree on...& I chose to be selfish and chose to lie so that you wouldn't be unhappy. Even though at that time I haven't cheated, I was dishonest. I lied because I didn't want to make us unhappy, I didnt want to make you unhappy, although it would have been better off with me coming clean and you would just nag me a bit for it. I lied to you because my best guy friend at that time still wanted to keep friendship with me, although he wanted to do things that only a boyfriend should do - celebrate my bday on the stroke of midnite. I had my part time job... being an ugly duckling throughout teen years, I was curious and proud of being picked up while working in the mall. I went out with those guys behind your back, although I didn't have any intention of cheating, nor did I intended to play them as backup. You forgave me for all that... 

After, I started doing things that I didn't used to do. I didn't used to go partying, and drinking. It was a wrong road to take, and I was caught cheating with my new friend's bf. Afraid to lose you, I lied, and kept you by my side... I didn't think. didn't think of consequences with each action. You gave me full trust and support, and believed me, when I was confronted by my friend. I took advantage of your love & trust. I continued the betrayal, until we decided to get married. Yes, you were right. I should have came clean before we got married, so that you had a choice. But I didn't. 

I thought after marriage, I would be different. I said I would quit going out. But I didn't. I kept on hanging around the same friends, and pushed your limit. You were generous... because of your love, you tolerated me to go. I didn't have self control nor did I used my brain for thinking... after 6 months, I cheated with the same guy because I was out partying and became drunk. I felt horrible... I knew I didn't deserve you... 

I hate myself for always know what I should do, yet I chose to do the complete opposite. 

It is true that the past haunts you. Last year, I got fired.... I was desperate for money...and was scared that you would one day find out about the past... so I made my life's most horribly irreversible decision - I posted online and became a prostitute for 2 weeks, still married to you. I didn't know why I chose that route...and to this day, I cannot believe myself for making that decision back then. I felt disgusted and.... hated myself even more. Howcome everytime I make the most wrong decision and choose the most wrong option when I take a fall? I quit after 2 weeks because I couldnt bare anymore. I thought you would never find out... and just left that part of me behind. 

I thought I did, but I still didn't learn my lesson. After finding a new job, & a few months passed by.... I still chilled with the wrong people. I was introduced to another guy... which the same routine started...again. I lied that I was having company dinner when I went out for a bite with him...even when there was NOTHING going on. Learning from the past, I should have known that I could have been honest and open about it, but I didn't. Things evolved to flirting... and I commited adultry again...when I went out with friend and him. I know you don't believe that it has been three times. I should have woke up, knowing that karma would come around, and I didn't. I started waking up... and wanted to stop all this for good... until that night while you were at work.... my phone was accidentally pressed dialed to you...and you heard me cheating.

I still remember that night, October 12, 2009... how I still lied to you on the fone when you confronted me. I was so scared. No matter how much you threw me against the wall, in the elevator...bruised and broke my tooth... I still wanted to beg for your forgiveness. 

I thought I really going to die. I know that you were dying too. I thought suicidal was the only way out. I still remember... we sat down for 2 hours...and I came partially clean...and told you everything that has happened in the previous paragraphs EXCEPT the fact that I did prostitution. I couldn't tell you that part....I...just couldn't.You didn't give me forgiveness, you didn't forget me. Yet you still gave me a chance. 

This past year, was tough for us to rekindle our marriage, our relationship, our thread-thin trust, and my respect to you. There were many times you wanted to give up... but I tried hard, I gave all my love, effort, consideration, and priority to you. I was in despair too at times, and I thought I couldn't do it anymore... I wanted to give up. But my love was selfish... yet my love for you is still true... I wouldn't let go. After all that I've done... I don't know how much more I can express to you that I'm grateful for everything....for everything you have done. As each day, each month went by... our relationship started to have improvement, and more happiness.... I was so happy, and I saw that I could make you happy once again, and saw that slowly but surely, you have observed my respect for you and gained trust from you again. 

After we went on vacation last month... and found out that I was pregnant... I was scared. Not that I was scared that the baby wasn't your's... i was scared that one day, you would leave me because of the past. I opened up my feelings to you... and we were glad that we had that talk. We wanted a child, and thought that life has finally started fresh for us. I never expect you to treat me as your wife after you gave me a 2nd chance last october... all I wanted was to be by your side, giving you unconditional love and care. Yes, if I could, I would go back and un-do everything since my 1st cheat. This whole past year, you might think everything that I've done for you is for making up... but it is also from the bottom of my heart that I want to give you my love. 

Everyday, we were so happy.... we counted each week as the baby grew, we planned for how & when we can spill the beans to friends & family... we shared all the plans for the future...happily with our child. 

Last night, our baby just turned 13 weeks in my tummy. And, for some reason, you found my notes of my old emails and passwords... logged in... and discovered that I was once a prostitute. 

I feel so sad... I thought, after everything that has happened, I have already suffered from my own choices, my own consequences, my own karma. I never thought you would see those sent emails that I didn't delete. But I guess you were right... unless you didn't do anything, otherwise, you bound to get busted. And I told you everything except that part....and now... you find out.

I swear I never did it again. I never slept with another man the past year. 

I know it was dumb of me to not delete those accounts. not delete those emails. and worse, it was dumb of me to reply to one of the clients just because he sent me a happy new year greeting. One thing i'm glad that you know is... you know that i didn't intend to go back to that life, but just don't know why i would take the effort to even reply. 

I promised you, that i would never talk to those 2 guys ever again. yet, same thing... i don't know why i would reply his email this april regarding his birthday. i should never has replied, there was no point, no intention of cheating again, & he didn't even had a point to email me. I replied. 

I'm very sorry. I have sad sorry to you many many times... and after such a big incident last year, you still gave me a chance. I just can't believe that....the old emails would be found again. This time, you said you cannot give me another chance.... it's over for good. Its better off if i did an abortion quickly, and we get divorced and never, ever see each other again. You told me that...if you ever ever find out that i was once a prostitute, either before, or even after our child was born... the result would still be as what you have decided now. 

I appreciate that you told me that you know that from what i've done, that my love to you is true, and you know that you will never find another person that loves you as much as I do. I appreciate that you told me.... that you know i won't want to lose the child, because.... i love you so much, this baby is the last thing that i'll have remaining of you.... 

On the otherhand... i know your love for me is irreplaceable, you couldn't have been more generous...and will not ever be this generous to anyone again. 

The abortion/separation route... may be the rational thing to do now that you've found out. I thought I was calm, I thought I could do it. But again, I have found myself begging you.... one last time, to continue the happiness that we gotten to for the last 6+ months. 

I know... we've talked until 4:30am this morning. I couldn't sleep at all... I chose to take some courage to post up this story for....I don't even know. I feel like dying again. I can't believe yesterday morning we were so sweet...but in the evening everything ended. But... i just...cannot bear losing you, our love, our efforts....and our baby.


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## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

I know I posted the story here without asking anyone anything....I just don't know what to do at this point. I couldn't sleep... he just woke up for a glass of water and....ignored me.

Could somebody please.... help me... and tell me what I can do right now? As ridiculous as it sounds... I am really broken hearted. Being pregnant and showing.... I don't know what to do, and I really don't want to lose our baby...and our family... 

please...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

keep the baby. Your life as a cheater and a prostitute is not its fault. At least if you keep the baby you will have something left of him. Saying you love him is probably not the wisest thing you could do right now. He will have to do whatever he feels right. And you have to do what you feel is right (Though you haven't seemed to do anything right up to now). Again, keep the baby.


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## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

He told me that he has no doubt the baby is his. Yet, if i don't get rid of it...& keep it... the baby either:
- has me for a mother, but he will never see it
- has him for a father, but i will never see it
The baby cannot have both of us simultaneously as parents. He says I have no right to have his baby. And his baby cannot have a person like me as a mother, forever. 

I have plead to him... that if anything... the slightest chance of us continuing together, I'll do it. Which means... if we lay it on the table to my parents, and IF my parents ask him for forgiveness for me and keep the baby... he will. But he says it's impossible for anyone to forgive. I know he's right... but I still don't want to give up. I don't know...what to do. He says even if he let us have a chance to continue... he will never leave the house with me. He never wants anybody to see him together with me. 

I'm scared. Of all the wrong doing's I've done... I've never been pregnant. I've never had an abortion. I want to keep the baby... but with this suddenly... I'm afraid my body won't be able to keep the baby. 

He said if he knew about the prostitution last year, he would never gave me the chance, and there will be never a chance for this baby to be brought to life. I feel so hurt. I know this is the consequence. But I still want to....

He just left again... I don't know what will happen. He says it's for good. He just quit his job...and says he's gonna go away. When he comes back...he never want to see me again. He doesn't care if I keep the baby. 

I just can't stop crying. Last night, I was desperate enough to tell him that i'm willing to gamble... for all the evils that I've done, I'm even willing to let me kick me off the stairs... if me & the baby survives... i hope he'll give us a chance. & if the baby & i don't survive.... i won't call the cops on anything...cus i owe him. 

It's sunday 12:24pm in vancouver... nobody (friends/family)knows...& i don't know what to do.


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## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

Maybe because I don't want it to end... I really thought... the child will bring happiness. It did... but I don't want it to be this way. I find it so hard to take where yesterday morning till afternoon, we were happy, so sweet... just like any other normal day. The next moment after we got home... it was suddenly all gone because the past caught up to us. 

I know, i shouldn't beg him. you're right... it'll just make him leave quicker. I'm sure he will leave on tuesday.... tomorrow is his last day of work. I know its too late.... to take everything back. I tried... I wish things would just go back....just one day. Maybe if we did something different, it wouldn't led to him finding that forgotten book of email passwords. 

i can't bear to live. 

Right now, I'm "doing the rational thing"... I'm calling on Craigslist for places to move out. I'm scared. I'm lost. Last night he said even if I kill myself on the spot, he wouldn't reconsider. (No, I did not do that). But it does get me thinking maybe I should just... disappear from the face of the planet. But i hate myself for being a coward. one side of me really just wanna run out right now & get hit by a car & have it done with. But another part of me.... cannot give up the baby. It's the most precious thing I've ever ever had. It gave me hope. But now.... everything's to dust. I feel so empty. I'm still sitting at the computer, forcing myself to look for a place, and eat...for the sake of the baby at the same time. 

do you think...i'm mental?

actually, honestly... I really wish why i did all those things. why my brain didnt function properly. why i had everything a woman ever wished for...but destroyed it with no chance of going back.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Please, whatever you do, get some help and support. If you can tell someone your story then do, but if you can't do that yet, then just ask for some help. Your entire focus right now needs to be about keeping you and your baby safe. You are the only person who can look after that baby right now.
Being a strong and loving and protective mother might just be your saving grace, and it's your chance to make real and significant changes in your life.
yes, you have made mistakes, however you can let yourself be defined by the mistakes, or by the choices you make, starting this very moment!
This is your life, your health, and your baby.
Never, ever allow someone to harm you. If you think of him kicking you down the stairs- would you allow someone to kick a baby down the stairs?! It is the same thing.
You are precious and your life and your baby's life is precious.
be as strong as you can for your baby.
Your husband is going to have his feelings and he is going to deal with them, but don't let his reaction cause you physical harm, please.


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## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

thank you....for everyone's reply~ never have I told anybody the story... other than here. Guess it's a start. I don't know who to ask for help. And honestly... who would....support a person like me? I probably just told the most ridiculous story ever told here...

I'm trying very very hard... to deal with my emotions. The last thing I want is having an unstable mental state causing me to lose the baby.... and i'll really be left with nothing to live for. Or is that what is meant to happen next? 

I just wish there is somebody that can just....be next to me right now. I feel like a fool...sitting in front of my laptop just staring at my post...looking forward to see someone reply...so that I know that i still exist. at least I feel a bit better...


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

you have taken the first step in reaching out, and that is something to be proud of.
I can tell that you are in a crisis right now. I suggest that you don't even look back at your past, for the time being. Looking back right now won't help you get through this.
Stay in the present, do in your HEART what you think is right, right now. As I said, you have the choice, from this moment, to turn your life around. Take some deep breaths, drink some water and make a plan for you and your baby. That is the priority. Regardless of your past mistakes, you can make some positive steps to the future.


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## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

Before it happened yesterday... I did tell my baby that... never lie like your mom... i wanted it to know that honesty is the most important teaching that I ever learned too late. 

I'm not sure what is right, right now. If I love him, I should do as he pleases... I took a warm shower, and tried to eat a bit... I'm not sure what I can plan...cus I see nothing ahead of me. Where, and how should I start?


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Start by changing your thoughts. Do that by writing some positive things about yourself and about your baby. Then write what you want for your baby's life.
It seems from your post that you have suffered some abuse, physical and otherwise. Start looking online for support groups, also look into support groups for women who are overcoming prostitution.
It's time to focus on you and the health and well being of your baby. There are lots of resources online.
You are doing the right thing by reaching out and sharing your story.


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## regret (Nov 29, 2009)

Just got off the phone with my mom... last night when it happened, she was there. She knew something was up...but I didn't tell her. I never told her...cus I don't want to put her to worries and shame. She called me crying...asking me to be honest with her. Last year, when the big incident happened, she knew...but after we made up, she never spoke a word of it again...until what happened last night. 

I finally admitted to her... I didn't tell her the whole story as posted here...I don't want to put her through that. She told me that I shouldn't have the child....she doesn't wanna bring another unlucky soul to this world. Growing up in a single family is hard and problematic. I still cannot imagine giving up the child...yet I'm not sure if i have the time and money to support it no matter how much I'll miss it. 

He finally came home...after going out for hours. To my surprise... we continued talking... about separation. He insists he wants an abortion. If I don't, he'll just tell his family that the child isn't his, even though it is. He said no matter what, there's no excuse for a husband to make a wife do an abortion at 3 months. He cannot lie to people that I "accidentally lost it", and then we somehow end up divorcing. 

I cannot believe, but I did, tell him that I'll disappear from his world for good. But I don't want to believe that the only way out for the child is abortion.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You can give the baby up for adoption. This way you won't have the abortion and the baby can be raised in a family that will love her/him.


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