# Would you ever date or get serious about someone who cheated on their ex?



## WasDecimated

I am a betrayed spouse. I filed for divorce after finding out my STBXWW was cheating on me for about 1 1/2 years. I did stay for another year to try to work things out but in the end, she never did put in the effort and the honesty I needed. 

My divorce is not final yet but I was just curious if you ever would ever consider dating or getting serious about someone who cheated on their ex that lead to their divorce? 

My feeling as of now is no. I don't think I could consider it.


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## 827Aug

I could not. It has been almost five years, and it hits too close to home for me.


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## cmf

I have been thinking about this question as well. My answer is no. A red flag right away.


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## ImperfectMomma

Absolutely not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04

I wonder the same thing...if someone will not choose me b/c I was a WS at one time in my marriage. It was a reaction to my STBXH asking for a divorce and being at the lowest of the low point ever emotionally in my life (even attempted suicide). He was cheating on my already for over 5 months at the time, but I did not know that so can't even say it was a revenge affair. Those are no excuses for my behavior. Have I jeopardized my chance at finding a quality guy, especially if they have a "no cheaters" rule?? Maybe I guess but I have to accept that. Its reality and consequences for my actions of past. Although my affair is not what ended the marriage, I still cheated on my spouse. Him saying he wanted a divorce and we are over are technicalities. No one filed at the time so we were still married. 

And as a BS, I don't blame anyone that wouldn't be with a cheater whose actions lead to the divorce.


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## In_The_Wind

i couldnt and would not however most folks dont mention this when you are just starting to date someone i have never heard a woman say oh and by the way i cheated on my last spouse lol most people either lie by omission meaning not bringing it up or they say they were the betrayed just my opinon


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

No way, never!

My ex h cheated on me. He remarried and currently cheats on his wife. I'd never trust a cheater ever.


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## 2ntnuf

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No way, never!
> 
> My ex h cheated on me. He remarried and currently cheats on his wife. I'd never trust a cheater ever.


Wow. It's a shame someone else has to get hurt too. 

I think this about my ex. The two of them may make it. They are the same in that respect. 

He was dating a married woman at work for a few years and her husband never knew. I felt so bad for the woman's husband, but did not know how to handle the information.

No, I don't think I would. How would you know if the person did or didn't cheat prior?

Isn't it a shame how much hurt comes from one little act of betrayal? I wonder how many websites are dedicated to recovery from infidelity?

And I get laughed at by my coworkers. Would they have done any better given the same circumstances?


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## donders

Sure, I'd date a cheater, but I'd find out what led to the cheating and make sure it didn't apply to my situation, I'd never get married, and I'd make it clear that if she wants out to please let me know before hooking up with next guy, there's no reason for deception.

People make mistakes.


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## WasDecimated

2ntnuf said:


> And I get laughed at by my coworkers. Would they have done any better given the same circumstances?


Why on earth would your coworkers laugh at you? That's so sad...and pathetic!


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## Numb in Ohio

In_The_Wind said:


> i couldnt and would not however most folks dont mention this when you are just starting to date someone i have never heard a woman say oh and by the way i cheated on my last spouse lol most people either lie by omission meaning not bringing it up or they say they were the betrayed just my opinon



This is what my H said to me... for why he didn't tell me he had cheated on his ex.... yet after 8 years of marriage,,, I still never knew,, until he cheated on me.


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## WasDecimated

donders said:


> Sure, I'd date a cheater, but I'd find out what led to the cheating and make sure it didn't apply to my situation, I'd never get married, and I'd make it clear that if she wants out to please let me know before hooking up with next guy, there's no reason for deception.
> 
> People make mistakes.


I'm not to the point where I can consider cheating a mistake. I don't know if I ever will be. I've been married twice and both wives cheated. The second one even knew about the first one cheating on me and the pain it caused...that's cold.

To me cheating is a choice. In the case of an affair, it is a choice that is made over and over again.


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## dscl

Easy question...... No


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## PBear

My GF cheated on her husband. I cheated on my wife. Not with each other. We know each others past, and are ok with that. Some might suggest we "deserve" each other, because of our past.

My thoughts... We have baggage that I wish neither of us had. But we've also learned lessons; again, that I wish neither of us had to learn. Those things may cause me to hold some of myself back, in terms of trusting and fully committing. 

But I also am comfortable tht both of us gave our spouses ample opportunities to work with us to resolve our issues prior to either of us making our really bad decisions to cheat. 

Sorry if this triggers anyone. Must offering my $0.02. 

C


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## ScarletBegonias

cheaters don't go around with a scarlet letter or special tshirt stating they cheated. and rarely will you find someone who admits to cheating in the past.So I can't say no because chances are, i've dated several cheaters and didn't even know it.

if someone openly admitted to cheating it probably wouldn't be until after a long time of being with them and by then, how many would actually break it off with the person you have grown to love? that's the real question.


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## Numb in Ohio

ScarletBegonias said:


> cheaters don't go around with a scarlet letter or special tshirt stating they cheated. and rarely will you find someone who admits to cheating in the past.So I can't say no because chances are, i've dated several cheaters and didn't even know it.
> 
> *if someone openly admitted to cheating it probably wouldn't be until after a long time of being with them and by then, how many would actually break it off with the person you have grown to love? that's the real question.*



I told my H this,, he felt that I would of judged him, but after 11 years together? I would not have left him for his past, ( most of us have skeletons we're not proud of),, but since he hid it and then decided to cheat on me as well ( with the same 2 women from then), that was the deciding factor. Now he says I am punishing him for his past. He just doesn't get it...


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## ScarletBegonias

Numb in Ohio said:


> Now he says I am punishing him for his past. He just doesn't get it...


his point of view has no logic.You aren't punishing him for his past,he made his cheating past his cheating PRESENT by cheating on another partner,you. his point of view confuses me.


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## Numb in Ohio

ScarletBegonias said:


> his point of view has no logic.You aren't punishing him for his past,he made his cheating past his cheating PRESENT by cheating on another partner,you. his point of view confuses me.



I also told him this... HE brought his past into our "present" and "future",, he would not of been, and is not being punished for his past. Our issues are are because of his "choice" to bring that past into our marriage now!! 

I told him my past (which he demeaned me for for years over)... yet I told him I did so because I loved and trusted him to understand and support me to know that it was not all just from my "choice" , that is was because of my sexual abuse... yes, some bad decisions on my part as a teenager, but ... no one should bash you for your past when they are covering up their own... 

He never trusted me enough to open up to me... and sadly, he still doesn't.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My ex h showed many red flags of being a cheater. I ignored them thinking he'd change.


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## Jellybeans

What were the red flags, I'mInLove?


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## Grey Goose

As of today, NEVER! I guess there are things that cheaters have to deal with themselves that I may not have the patience to deal with.


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## Grey Goose

:iagree:


Numb in Ohio said:


> I told my H this,, he felt that I would of judged him, but after 11 years together? I would not have left him for his past, ( most of us have skeletons we're not proud of),, but since he hid it and then decided to cheat on me as well ( with the same 2 women from then), that was the deciding factor. Now he says I am punishing him for his past. He just doesn't get it...


So true, but you will also see that the person who cheats tends to excuse their behavior relating it to something the spouse did.


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## Numb in Ohio

Grey Goose said:


> :iagree:
> 
> So true, but you will also see that the person who cheats tends to excuse their behavior relating it to something the spouse did.



Oh, I got that in the beginning,, he said that he was getting an ego-boost, the OWomen gave him compliments, and would say how lucky "I" should feel to be with "him"... 

Which he said he wasn't getting his ego-boost from home...


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## Kimberley17

donders said:


> Sure, I'd date a cheater, but I'd find out what led to the cheating and make sure it didn't apply to my situation, I'd never get married, and I'd make it clear that if she wants out to please let me know before hooking up with next guy, there's no reason for deception.
> 
> People make mistakes.
> 
> Everyone says to just break up with the person and not cheat but it doesn't work that way most of the time. Typically, the person is in a marriage with kids or whatver and they don't want to end it they just want something else on the side.


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## hope4family

When I was young and 20. I started talking to a girl and then dumped my girlfriend for the other girl. It may or may not be different. In this case, the girl I dumped was already my ex once (she dumped me) and I didn't see any change in her to convince me to stay. 

As far as dating a cheater going forward. In marriage, I have never cheater, much less even talk to another women outside of work. My STBXW on the other hand, was always secretive from the start. I'll never know how far she cheated on me, but her words and deeds to me were at least an EA. 

It wasn't so much that I caught it either, it was the response to being caught. That hurts more then anything else. To this very day. So no, my target is to find someone who has been faithful.


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## donders

Kimberley17 said:


> Everyone says to just break up with the person and not cheat but it doesn't work that way most of the time. Typically, the person is in a marriage with kids or whatver and they don't want to end it they just want something else on the side.


True. 

The woman I'm with now (about a year) did cheat on her husband because for whatever reasons it was preferable to her rather than break up her family which included a very young child.

She regrets her decision to cheat, she's now divorced, and we're not getting married or having kids so I don't see a problem.

Then again I am not one to trust anyone 100%, I tend to play my cards close to my vest, I fully understand and accept that you never, ever really know what someone else is thinking or what they're capable of.

This particular woman is worth the risk.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Jellybeans said:


> What were the red flags, I'mInLove?


I'd call him at 2-3am and hear women laughing while he was at home. I found a condom in his back pocket before he left his house one night to go out drinking. My best friend and I went to surprise him and his friend(which was her bf) and they were camping with girls. He'd go out and not get home until the next morning. These were a few very obvious signs. I should of known better, but I was pregnant and full of hope he'd change for the better.

Even our wedding night he wasn't at the reception. He mysteriously left. He'd always leave me stranded over night on our 1st anniversary, I'd had my dad pick me up. He was always gone on my dime. I was the breadwinner while he was sleeping with other women. He also would purposely start a fight with me, go and dress up nicely before leaving taking my car. I finally had it when he decided to try and have sex with my friend that spent the night. I was asleep 2 feet away, she immediately woke me up and I packed starting that moment and never looked back. I did try to foolishly fix the marriage through MC. 

That was one big lesson I learned. I did not make that mistake again.


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## *LittleDeer*

There are two types of people that cheat, those that do and learn from it, it usually happens under extreme circumstances and they would never do it again. And those that will cheat in every relationship given the opportunity because they never learn anything.

I think it depends on the person and circumstances and what led to the cheating, how honest they are about it and how they now feel about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillRemains

Nope! Sure wouldn't. Life's too short to even take the risk after what I've already been through!


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## Jellybeans

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'd call him at 2-3am and hear women laughing while he was at home. I found a condom in his back pocket before he left his house one night to go out drinking. My best friend and I went to surprise him and his friend(which was her bf) and they were camping with girls. He'd go out and not get home until the next morning. These were a few very obvious signs. I should of known better, but I was pregnant and full of hope he'd change for the better.
> 
> I finally had it when he decided to try and have sex with my friend that spent the night. I was asleep 2 feet away, she immediately woke me up and I packed starting that moment and never looked back.


Yeowch. You made a good decision. He was a serial cheater.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Jellybeans said:


> Yeowch. You made a good decision. He was a serial cheater.


He still is a serial cheater. He told my child at 14 years old proudly that he had 3 women throw themselves at him and that he had relations with them. I put a stop to that. He hasn't seen her since. He cut her out of their family for good. My ex accused me of trying to break up his current marriage. I could care less about his marriage, but I do care how my daughter is treated and talked to.

The best decision was leaving. The worst decision was marrying him in the first place. I learned a lot from this. I learned to raise my standards a bit and not settle for less. I did very well the second time. I'm very happy and have been these past 12-13 years! I'm finally in a very good relationship.


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## COguy

To the OP:

I don't want to say I would NEVER date someone who I knew cheated, but it would be the world's biggest and most disgusting red flag.

I would have to K-N-O-W that they were extremely remorseful about it and completely owned up to their crap and got help for it and recognized how horrible it was and what they would do to make sure it never happened again.

She would have to be one hell of a woman.....


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## brokenbythis

No, no and no. I would not date a cheater. If they could lie and cheat to their wife they'll probably do it to me.

Been down that road with my STBXH lying to me and chasing women behind my back.

Never again.


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## kruppmart

Never again. I did know that my STBXW cheated on her previous husband and father of 3 children, for years.
I thought ain't happen again. I was so wrong.
Once a cheater - always a cheater.


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## EnjoliWoman

Wow, I would be very leery. I would consider if this happened in a situation that was HIGHLY unlikely to happen again (i.e. drunk and quit drinking) or if they had both started exiting the relationship but it wasn't final yet. OR I might give them a chance if it was a long time ago and they have since had a lot of IC and learned and matured a lot. 

Generally speaking, though, it would be a major red flag. Cheated more than once/with more than one person (unlikely they'd be honest about this, however) no way.


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## 2ntnuf

Decimated said:


> Why on earth would your coworkers laugh at you? That's so sad...and pathetic!


Everyone at work knew it was going on but me. No one told me and I had no idea. I was a cuckhold. I gave my all. I believed most of what my ex-wife told me. I trusted her.

I was off work for six months due to an injury. I hurt my ankle while riding my motorcycle. That is when she left. I barely ate since I could not work and my rent and regular bills doubled when she left.(She was paying half) 

When I got back to work, it started. Someone walked up to me and said, "I want to apologize for my part in it." I said, "What are you talking about?" He said, "I knew about it and didn't say anything."

My mouth dropped open. I didn't know what was going on. I was so stunned, i didn't know what to say. I just walked away in shock.

Later, rumors started about me. The guys at work and even some of the women talked about me. I could hear my name. 

They lied and got away with it. They started taking my tools which I needed to do my work. They did all this because I had done nothing about this guy taking my wife. They thought they could take anything they wanted.

Well, here I am devastated, trying to figure out the next step. I am divorced and have been since June 2012. What they did to me was destroy my self esteem. 

I struggle to live each day like a normal person when once I was on top of the world. I had few real fears. Now I have many. Just a word will make me crumble. I have to rebuild myself. I have to accept who I have become with all my weaknesses and keep moving. I have never been in this situation before. 

Someone said they would ask the other person if they ever cheated and then they would tell them to leave if they got to the point they felt they would cheat again. I did this with my ex. We talked about this. She knew it would hurt me. I told her there were two things which I could not tolerate. They were done to me before and I could not take them again. 

They were, cheating and lying. I nearly begged her not to do them to me. I asked her to leave me if she ever needed, but don't lie to me or cheat. She used my words against me. She knew what she was doing. It sent me to the hospital and my life has been forever changed. I will never be the same.

My mother is almost 90. She is in a home. They went to see her. I know because I saw my ex's handwriting in a phone book she had. When I asked about it, she said, "Yes she was here with her husband."

I was so angry. I did not know what to do. I said the wrong thing to someone at work. A guy I work with then hurt my back intentionally. I cannot prove this, but they all know what he did. More time off work. Visits to the comp doctor and physical therapist. 

My back is permanently injured by that. Still I was left to do the most physical job in the shop. I was put there when I went back to work the first time. I did not know why they did that. My ankle was still sore and I worked through the pain. 

I was told by my wife that I was faking the ankle injury. Well, I had an MRI. If needed, I can prove what happened. Can she?


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## indiecat

IF they are honest enough to admit it then maybe they have learned from the experience. It would depend on the person.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

2ntnuf said:


> Wow. It's a shame someone else has to get hurt too.


Oh no. She intentionally tried to get him away from me. It was a big game and she won him over. She knew we were married and tried her hardest to win him over away from me.


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## Jeffery

Would you ever date or get serious about someone who cheated on their ex?
NO


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## dumpedandhappy

Who is perfect? Ever heard of forgiveness. 
"Once a cheater always a cheater"? Really?
hmmm
People do things for many reasons, walk a mile in their shoes first....
And how is cheating different from lying exactly? Nobody does that right? 
Judgement is something best left to God. 
Trust in relationships is tricky but wouldn't you prefer that God fobid you yourself had made a mistake, that the person you told of this would at least give you a chance? 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
Mahatma Gandhi


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## Cooper

I would say no....Affairs aren't "accidents" like many cheaters like to claim, affairs take calculated decisions and ongoing deceit to continue. 

Personally I don't understand how someone can come home from being with their affair partner and then kiss the kids goodnight and crawl in bed with their spouse. Just not the type of person I would want in my life.


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## unbelievable

If I were single, I'd happily knock boots with a serial adulteress. The trashier, the better. I wouldn't choose one for a wife but she would make a very acceptable fornication partner.


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## Paradise

dumpedandhappy said:


> Who is perfect? Ever heard of forgiveness.
> "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Really?
> hmmm
> People do things for many reasons, walk a mile in their shoes first....
> And how is cheating different from lying exactly? Nobody does that right?
> Judgement is something best left to God.
> Trust in relationships is tricky but wouldn't you prefer that God fobid you yourself had made a mistake, that the person you told of this would at least give you a chance?
> 
> "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
> Mahatma Gandhi


I'm not a biblical scholar but I believe it says to forgive....Not necessarily forget. To do that would be hazardous to one's health. Thus, no way in he!! would I date someone who cheated, regardless of how sexy their shoes are.


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## CantePe

Nope.


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## moxy

No way -- unless that cheating happened when the person was a teenager or something. I would NOT date someone who had cheated on an ex-spouse, especially if the cheating led to the divorce.


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## Numb in Ohio

I _might_ think about it, if they are honest enough to own it and tell me, and depending on their explanation (not excuse).

The ones who are most likely to repeat this behavior, are the ones who will probably never tell you until it's too late.

So how would you really ever know? 

I was with my H for 11 years, and I never knew.


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## dumpedandhappy

Coming from experience: there are a lot more liers out there than people know, and I can be sure when I say they may never know. 
An honest person who is prepared to share his past sins and discuss the remorse and steps taken since then, to demonstrate the learned lesson derserves a chance. 
Why? No-one is perfect in this life. Accept their fault and see where it leads..this person you are tempted to judge for their past doings may also be the person to whom you may be able to have a long term and very fulfilling relatioship with. People change according to their situations, it may be your relationship will never promote a situation where cheating is even a consideration. 
If you are content to be alone or not to take chances on people then fine. All of us invest in different ways. It depends on what return on investment you are looking for. 
But just be aware: men are a different species and the best liers are so very good at what they do, you would never suspect a thing. 
Trust is big investment.


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## oncehisangel

No.


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## Catherine602

I'm married but if I were dating no. 

But I would never be sure if a deceptive is lying. Getting to know the person before getting emotionally involved may help. Their may be signs of deception or reluctance to talk about ex. If they bad talk the ex, they are a bad risk. Meet their friends. Talk about the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy

Well, for every spouse that's ever been betrayed, there's an ex out there that was the betrayer, so each has a large pool to choose from. Be as selective as you wish.

For me...I won't have to worry about it because I'll never get married again....EVAH!!! :rofl:


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## ranaz2

Probably not. It would give me serious doubts. I know a man and a woman who were each cheaters on their previous spouses - with each other. Now they are together and I have wondered how they have any trust and respect for each other in their relationship.


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## hookares

My only model would be my ex wife. She cheated on me for twenty years and has been with four different guys since we split just over two years ago.
Since I don't date women for more than a few months since the divorce,I doubt that I would bother with an a admitted cheater.


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## Jellybeans

BeachGuy said:


> For me...I won't have to worry about it because I'll never get married again....EVAH!!! :rofl:


:smthumbup:


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