# Depression has consumed my marriage



## DPMB (Jun 18, 2012)

Hi. I'm a 36yr old man, married 7 yrs to my 36yo wife. We have a 4yo daughter.

I've suffered from depression (mostly related to lack of "confidence" with women) since college. I thought about taking my own life in 2003 due to loneliness after moving to take a job. 

I met my wife a year after that experience and at first, our relationship was great on all levels, a real dream-come-true. I thought i was free.

Over time, and especially after having a child, the quality of our sex life declined. she told me I was "demanding" sex, and we went to a couples counselor with little success. 

Then a few years later a friend of hers came to visit at our house for a week. She flirted with me when my wife wasn't around and as a result I started avoiding my home, working late, etc, until my wife inquired as to why and I brought up my sexual dissatisfaction and related depression (which she had been aware of) and pressed me to get treatment.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist about my depression and it has mostly been in check until recently. First, she told me we aren't having more children due to my depression, which upset me, and then she told me my "poor hygiene" is getting in the way of our intimacy.

Maybe it is partially out of spite but I told her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore, as there is zero chemistry when we do infrequently have sex... masturbation is just much more satisfying frankly than the sex we are having now.

Worse this all feeds my depression and "confirms" to me that I am a loser in the ways of love. I have had some suicidal thoughts lately because of this.

I love my wife with all my heart, I am just deeply displeased and hurt by the fact the intimacy in our relationship is dead. I don't want to hurt my daughter or continue to psychologically traumatize my wife... but lately I can't think of a better solution to this situation but divorce, and I really do not want that (and the feeling that I would scar my daughter because of the worm between my legs also brings on thoughts of suicide).

I'm not sure if there was a point to this post, other than to get this off my chest. I'm not expecting any miracle solutions. maybe the lessons of what I did wrong can help someone else on this board.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

So you dont want to scar your daughter thru divorce but yet suicide is your better option?

How IS your hygiene btw?

Kidsare very used to divorce and coping with it these days...much more than their parent killing themselves.


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

Your depression and women might be related to the fact relationships take work. You have to reach out to your wife and try to fix things with her. Your depression is an excuse to be lazy and not make an effort to please your wife and not stretch yourself past your comfort zone. Being conscience of your mate and their needs is work and becomes a BIG part of the commitment picture. If your depression is from lack of confidence with women, why is it flaring now? The other friend flirting with you could have been fixed with you saying "no" but that didnt happen. Marriage is hard, relationships are complicated, but suicide is the wimpy way out. Stay and play the hand you are dealt. Make SURE you want a divorce and not just an excuse to be depressed and blame your small life on the D word. With a little effort, you might enjoy your whole life. By the way, suicide shouldnt be a word you use in conversation. No one has the right to wimp out like that, especially with kids who love you.


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## MTD (Apr 30, 2008)

DPMB:

You mentioned that you were seeing a psychiatrist and I assume that is for medication (which is a good idea considering your history.) My question is - have you seen a therapist/counselor to talk at length about what you are going through? Also, have you tried relationship counseling with your wife?

Opening up on a forum is a good start but I would highly recommend engaging in some sort of talk therapy. It could really help.

Take care,
Married-To-Depression


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## smile4me (Sep 20, 2012)

Lack of intimacy ruined my marriage... in the last year of my marriage (before a 6 month separation and surprise reconciliation) we had sex 4 times... I felt ugly, rejected, worthless, asexual... these are HUGE for you and your wife. I am glad you are seeking help for yourself. I would also strongly suggest counseling for you AND your wife. Something needs to bring you back together. If counseling together isnt an option try workbooks together (thats one of the things my husband and I did) Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue is good... Best of luck...


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## Napsalot (Aug 28, 2012)

I'm surprised your psychiatrist hasn't recommended a therapist as well. I have a similar situation with depression destroying our marriage, and the psychiatrist said meds and therapy are a must for effective treatment.
Our problem wasn't sexual, anything can destroy a marriage, but ever since my depression became worse, she has been constantly at me for every little thing. Happened also to a co-worker. But same point; it is feeding my depression and confirms to me every bad thing I think about myself, and everything the therapists are saying isn't so. I also can't shake that 'I'm a loser' mentality.
It's a battle within a battle, and I'm losing them both.


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