# No idea what I'm doing



## Sweetpegasus80 (Aug 1, 2017)

So my husband cheated on me, you can read about that in the "coping with infidelity" section. Now I'm divorcing him and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I've looked a bit into paperwork and how to start this. Am I required to take time before filing? 

Oregon is a no fault state and equitable distribution so my main concern is coming out of this divorce with the house which is my children's home and my full retirement. With The bomb my husband dropped on us I believe he owes his children the ability to keep their home and not have to sell it so he can have half the equity. I've mentioned this to my soon to be x and he hasn't agreed or disagreed but he seems currently willing to work it out ourselves.

I've heard from everyone to lawyer up... but my husbands mother is a millionaire and I'm worried if I lawyer up, he will too and then he'll take a piece of my retirement and I'll have to sell the house. Or even worse.. she'll push him to go for custody just to hurt me... with all her money behind him I'm just nervous of what I could lose.

Is it better to try and amicably end the marriage and work together to assure we both are comfortable with the split? I want to stay on good terms with him for the kids, and I'm going to use the promise of a reasonable child support payment as leverage to get my house and retirement. 

Does anyone have any advice or experience going through a divorce where both parties just agreed? Is it harder? Will the judge possibly see I'm getting the house and my retirement and he's getting only the stuff he wants and feel he deserves more? We can't file with infidelity as the reason in Oregon. It'll have to be unsolvable differences or whatever. We get paid about the same but my husband has no retirement. But after what he did he sure doesn't deserve any of mine...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Sweetpegasus80 said:


> So my husband cheated on me, you can read about that in the "coping with infidelity" section. Now I'm divorcing him and I have no idea what I'm doing.
> 
> I've looked a bit into paperwork and how to start this. Am I required to take time before filing?
> 
> ...


What he deserves or what you deserve have little to do in the world of divorce unfortunately. You really need to consult a lawyer to find out the specifics in the state you reside. Depending on the length of the marriage alimony may be a factor. You can probably save either your retirement or the house equity but not both the way divorces go. 

Now if your both in complete agreement on items most judges will rubber stamp a divorce but they tend to insist on the child support portion being in accordance with state guidelines. 

He's playing nice at the moment because he doesn't want a divorce so I wouldn't bank on him being nice and agreeable throughout this.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I think you're main advantage is to threaten to expose his affairs to everyone if he doesn't give you the house and your retirement. Child support is black/white, so get whatever the state says you are entitled to. If you are allowed alimony/maintenance, you could give that up on condition you get the house. You also give him 50% no questions asked custody of the children if he doesn't fight you over the house. If he fights, you go for 75% custody and increase his child support. Lawyer up and prove he's a reckless drinker/womanizer who shouldn't have custody of the kids.

This is how my divorce worked. I let my ex wife keep the house, she had 12 months to refinance it in her name (only took her 3 months), and I got my truck and retirement. I pay her $480m/ in child support and didn't have to pay alimony. Worth every penny!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you both make about the same salary, then alimony is likely not going to even be considered. Its not as common as it used to be anyway. If you are able to work things out fairly between you, then that is always preferable, who wants lawyers involved if they arent needed? You may want to consider a consult with one just to find out what your rights are and how child support is determined in your state, many attorneys will do a free initial consult. I agree with Guy that you may have some leverage here with his infidelity. He may want to keep things simple and on the down low. The minute he tries to fight you though, lawyer up for sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?
How many children do you have and how old are they?

If he has access to money, you can have your lawyer ask the court to order him to pay your legal fees. That sort of evens the fight up, because the harder he fights you, the more HE will have to pay.


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