# False Reconciliation, dealing with the hurt again



## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I was a poster on here about a year and a half ago. Posted under CWI "what does this mean and what do I do now?" I have been married 13 years, 2 children.

Long story , husband left 10/2009, said he didn't love me, we had nothing in common, he wasn't happy, would go to therapy and "try" , was drinking heavily, verbally abusive at times, spending all his paycheck and not providing for family, went 2 months without seeing kids or coming to the house etc... 4 months into separation discovered affair( which he denied ), started divorce process. Husband stated he wanted to come home, regretted everything 6/2010. Spent summer doing a few martial therapy sessions. Husband put not effort into it used work as an excuse a lot.. Discovered 10/2010 he was still very much involved in affair- saw texts between them, went No Contact ( although I did struggle with this at times). 11/2010 he wrote and I sent OW No Contact letter( he was still saying they were only friends, but admitted to a one night stand with someone else), started Individual Therapy and showed me proof of this. 12/2010- 2/2011 ( separated 16 months). Started spending more time with me and kids, accounted for his time and provided access to cell phone. Came home 2/2011. For the next year and 2 months, I thought we had rebuilt our marriage, were happy and I did not suspect any cheating, there was no drinking. I was very hopeful and happy about our future as a family.

Fast Forward to 4/2012. He started a new job 3/2012. It involved travel every week away from home, a lot of responsibility . It made me nervous but it would mean a lot more income and steady work . Travel was about 2 nights a week at first. In April, I noticed he wasn't sleeping much and had lost a noticeable amount of weight. He was irritable when home and started saying he "wasn't happy". He started drinking every week-end, maybe a 6 pack for the whole week-end. I could actually feel him disconnecting from the kids and I. He never wanted to be in the house. He was coaching our sons baseball team and that seemed to be the only thing he cared about. He also started putting less money into the household, making excuses like, "the bank lost some of the deposit", "the money will show up tomorrow". We started arguing about money and I wanted to see proof of deposits which he never provided.

5/2012- I noticed he was becoming very flirty with other women in restaurants or whenever we were out in public. The mother of a child on his baseball team ( recently divorced with a husband who abandoned her and kids) seemed to be very flirty with him as well. She was very attractive, same age as me , dressed like a teenager. I asked him if anything was going on between them, he denied stated he would never do anything to harm our family. We argued about this for a few days but he reassured me I was just being paranoid because of our last separation. His drinking began to escalate mid month and suddenly he started working out of town 6 nights a week. He would actually come home for his baseball games and then leave. He usually was only home for one night a week-end. He did not come home for our anniversary. He said it was because our marriage "sucked" and we had "nothing in common" and he was "bored" with our life. Financial support from him continued to be low despite his "working" all the time. Nothing he said made sense and his justifications were ridiculous.

The day after our anniversary we argued on the phone while he was "on the road". He blurted out that he was being blackmailed by his last "friend" ( the affair partner from before) and was paying her to keep quiet because she had a child that she claimed was his. I flipped out. Not only had his "friend" had a child by him, but he also had been in constant contact with her the whole time. He claimed he didn't think it was his, no paternity test had been done, he had never seen the child in person, he made it clear when she said she was pregnant he would not be involved, etc... He said he had been paying her each month to "protect" the kids and I. I went on this woman;s facebook page and saw numerous pictures of this child that looked just like my husband. The child had his mother's name and his last name. This was proudly tattooed on this woman's body! This woman is wearing my husband's sweatshirt that my parents gave him in some pictures. She made comments about my husband in some pictures being the daddy and the baby had on outfits that said "Daddy's Little Girl".
He actually continued to deny to me that he had sex with her. A woman actually came to my home at this time and wanted the money my H owed her for watching his daughter. This woman knew my husband from when he was involved with OW and said he was always drunk and that he and OW had unprotected sex "all the time". She also said he made it clear to OW that he did not want to be involved with her. She stated that OW had been trying to break up our marriage since he returned home. H denied all this, stated he didn't know who this woman was that came to the home. Much later admitted he had been paying her as part of the "blackmail". 

My husband begged me to support him through this and not make any decisions until he had proof of his paternity. He stated he had stopped giving her money and assured me he would never be involved with this woman on any level. He said he would support the child if he had to and may decide to have a relationship with her but would do it separate from our family and would not involve OW at all. Then he said he understood if I wanted to end things. I also noticed that his paystubs and bank statements were not coming to the home.

I said I would see how I felt once he confirmed everything, he denied signing a birth certificate or being involved with this child. He gave me the address for this woman, but would not give me her phone number. His drinking at this point was everyday I saw him, he was still saying he was traveling 6 days a week. He did not come home for our son's birthday and called that night drunk several times. He refused to go on a planned family vacation saying he couldn't take off work. On father's day he refused to let me attend a baseball game with him and the kids. My children told me that the baseball mom and her 2 kids went with them. He became increasingly verbally abusive towards me, my looks, my family. He also stated that the first OW had taken out support papers on him, He explained that he was having his mail sent to a friend's house because he thought I was going to throw him out. No papers on the child ever showed up.

7/2011. He told us he would be home on Friday and then called and said he was "too sick" with a stomach virus to drive home for 2 days. My son said "you never come home when you say you will". He then raged at me for telling the kids he was coming home and upsetting them. He showed up Saturday night. Drank that night, the next day too. The kids left for a week away with his mother on Sunday. As soon as they left he said he had to leave to get an early start on working out of town. I followed him. He drank for 2 hours at a bar and then went to the baseball mom's house with a suitcase in hand. I went to the door and asked her son to send him out.

He acted like he was angry with me for being there. He actually said" I am trying to relax and you are ruining my night". I said get this woman out here so she can hear the truth. He stated he would not allow me to drag her into anything and speak in front of her children. She hid in the house. He was very angry and said he would physically stop me from talking to her and I knew he would hurt me if I tried. He was also quite drunk. We argued in the car for about an hour. He at first denied anything, just saying she was a friend who listened to him because I didn't. Then he became verbally abusive blaming me for being unattractive, a bad wife, not good enough for him, stated he had been faking the whole time he was home for the kid's sake and then talked about how much he enjoyed having sex with her. He stated he pursued her and to leave her out of it. He wanted to protect her. He basically said anything to me he knew would hurt me.

He said he was going in the house to end things with her and would not let me watch when I said I would not take his word for it. He also refused to call her and end it so I could hear. He went in and came out 5 minutes later with his suitcase. We both went home. He slept in our child's room. I sent this woman an e-mail stating we were very much married, not separated and that she was having an affair with my husband regardless of what she had been told. I also send a friend of both baseball mom and my husband an e-mail about it too. I exposed the affair to his mother. We avoided each other for the next 2 days as much as possible. Baseball mom would not answer her phone. Did not respond other than an e-mail that said "Leave me alone, we are just friends, your problems are not my fault". Their mutual friend responded that my husband had told him months ago that our marriage was over and I had kicked him out. I gave my H 2 chances to end things in front of me. He refused saying "I'll have her send a text". Her text said"he will not be staying at my house". Not exactly anything. He was irate I told his mother and friend. He told me I would have to throw him out of the house because he was not leaving, but he would make my life a living hell while home. He verbally abused me .Then he said he was going out of town for the rest of the week. He also bashed in some things in the home and threw things at me. His parting words were that he was cutting me off completely from any financial support. That was the last conversation we have had - 7/16/2012.

I contacted a divorce attorney , changed the locks, took all his stuff to a storage unit and my lawyer sent him an e-mail telling him all this. 

He told our children he was not happy living in our home and he wanted to be happy. They were completely devastated. He has seen them 3 times since then. Has asked for no other contact. Has provided no support. I have not spoken to him, ignore all e-mails, calls , texts unless it has to do with visits. I have sent him maybe 3 e-mails about visits.He will not reveal where he lives, says it is no ones business. At first I went to see what he was doing- his car stays between first OW and 2nd OW's home. I'm sure they have no clue. He is in town almost every day. He has not been served yet . He has conned both of them. Exposure to 2nd OW did nothing.

This week he showed up unannounced at both school's open houses. He was bright red, very loud and going around introducing himself to everyone and laughing about everything. The kids and I were mortified. It was the first time I had seen him in 6 weeks. He acted like I wasn't even there and did not speak. My youngest was upset and didn't understand why he was acting "so happy". He calls the house excessively at times. The kids rarely answer his calls.

He sends my lawyer e-mails saying he is giving me money and when, complaining I don't tell him what is going on and keeping him from the children. He has sent me e-mails saying he will give me money" next week ". He has done nothing.

I cant even begin to put into words what this has done to me and the kids. I am living this exact same nightmare all over again. I cry a lot. I put us all through this again by taking him back the first time. He is completely irrational , he is so angry at ME for everything. They are in therapy. He called the therapist and told her how concerned he was that I was turning the kids against him, His mother could care less. I told my family and they are very supportive. I am so struggling to come to terms with all this, trying to make sense of it and failing. I do know that there will never be a next time.

This is sooo long, I do apologize. I just needed to get it all out. This site did help me out last time. I am trying to emotional detach and stop caring and let go.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I refused to have a divorce that bad. It's working out so far. Seems like every few days there is another way my stbxw craps on our time together. The only thing you've got going is your ex is a really bad guy, abusive and manipulative and you have every excuse to hate him and rip him for everything you can legally get. Life sucks in this place we are in. Just the hope that the life we had could come back is desirable enough to stop from really dealing with the future. There are of course obvious signs that can't happen and I urge you to accept that now if you haven't. There are better people out there, if that's any comfort. I am also surprised to discover such a number of people that just don't want anyone else in their lives screwing things up. Good luck however it goes.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

> you have every excuse to hate him and rip him for everything you can legally get


. 


I plan on it.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Wow! What a jerk! 

You said that the kids are in counselling. What about you? Life with this man has likely left some deep scars on your self-esteem. He is very good at blameshifting. I do hope you realize that this is not your fault. This man has some severe problems. Unfortunately they are making your family miserable. Please get some help for yourself.

I'm glad your family is supportive. Take care of you. You will need all the strength you can muster to get through this. Hopefully, the court will have him coughing up support money. 

Best of luck to you. You deserve a huge break.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

What an @SSHOLE!!! 

Sending you a big cyber hug. I'm sooo sorry that you're going through all of this.  

But NONE of this is your fault. He is the problem. He is OUT OF CONTROL!!! It's best that he is away from you and your children at this point. 

Please keep posting.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks for the support. I know other people are dealing with a lot on here too. I am trying hard to let go of any feelings I have for him. He is not the same person I loved, maybe never was who I thought he was. I do not want my children being exposed to his current lifestyle and people he is around. I'm really scared I will have no control over it at all. And yes, my self esteem is at an all time low. I have been walking on egg shells for too long .


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Thanks for the support. I know other people are dealing with a lot on here too. I am trying hard to let go of any feelings I have for him. He is not the same person I loved, maybe never was who I thought he was. I do not want my children being exposed to his current lifestyle and people he is around. I'm really scared I will have no control over it at all. And yes, my self esteem is at an all time low. I have been walking on egg shells for too long .


You didn't say if you are in counselling. I highly recommend it if you aren't.

You need to work on your self-esteem. I just posted a couple of ideas on the thread titled 'What the heck is wrong with me?' that might help.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I did some individual therapy. I went through this a year and a half ago. I had a rough 5 weeks but am doing a bit better now. My H avoids me now, other than an occasional e-mail and that helps. It's hard feeling so insignificant to your husband. At first I missed talking to him and texting him everyday. I had to keep reminding myself he was in an affair so nothing really was real. No contact has been really helping and this time I am sticking to it completely. I had a good night with old friends last night. Week-ends are hard and if he starts visits with the kids on week-ends that will be even harder. I am thinking of moving into a new home, possibly in another city to start over. New memories.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> I did some individual therapy. I went through this a year and a half ago. I had a rough 5 weeks but am doing a bit better now. My H avoids me now, other than an occasional e-mail and that helps. It's hard feeling so insignificant to your husband. At first I missed talking to him and texting him everyday. I had to keep reminding myself he was in an affair so nothing really was real. No contact has been really helping and this time I am sticking to it completely. I had a good night with old friends last night. Week-ends are hard and if he starts visits with the kids on week-ends that will be even harder. I am thinking of moving into a new home, possibly in another city to start over. New memories.


It sure is hard feeling insignificant to your H. It hurts so very much.

A move to a new city and filling your life with new memories might be just the thing. It's hard constantly seeing things that remind you of your H and your life with him.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

We've only been apart 7 weeks but it feels like a lifetime ago. He has moved into a new life quickly, although he apparently was living a double life for several months. He is completely uninterested in the family he left behind. He seems to only want to appear to be . I am having a hard time finding work in the city I want to move to, getting a bit discouraged.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> We've only been apart 7 weeks but it feels like a lifetime ago. He has moved into a new life quickly, although he apparently was living a double life for several months. He is completely uninterested in the family he left behind. He seems to only want to appear to be . I am having a hard time finding work in the city I want to move to, getting a bit discouraged.


It amazes me how quickly they move into a new life and just discard the 'old' one. 

Good luck with the job hunt.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> *It amazes me how quickly they move into a new life and just discard the 'old' one. *
> 
> Good luck with the job hunt.


It's called "running away from reality and towards fantasyland". 

All fantasies end. And reality will set in soon enough. Hopefully, by the time that happens, cmf and her kids will be long gone.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

WOW!

Judging by the way you write and your last sentence I can tell you've got a pretty good head on your body, so not much advice.

I'm amazed by your endurance. When the dust settles a bit, you need to seriously look into why you held yourself hostage for such a long time. I'm almost certain your childhood plays a role.

Your first and foremost task is of course detachment. This man will probably live a short life full of negative drama. You deserve much better. Much much better.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Synthetic- I have been thinking about that very question myself. I think I've been holding onto the 8 or 9 years of stability and memories of who I was in love with. At that time he was a good husband and father. I don't see that in him anymore. It doesn't make sense after all that happened 2 years ago. He learned nothing from that time, he is following the exact same script on us. He is so self centered right now and always the victim. No awareness. It's like he forgot what happened , hard to explain really.
I am beginning to think I have been dealing with far more than just a cheating husband, his family has a strong history of bi-polar disorder in it ( dad and paternal grandmother). I suspected it the last time this happened too but he can be so convincing that he is fine when he is not in the "fog". I recognize at least 2 other cycles like this early on in our marriage that did not involve cheating.I don't know. At this point it doesn't matter really. The damage is done and he will never address it anyway.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I finally got a chance to read through your story and was mortified by what you have gone through. It amazes me you had such solid advice to post on my board. I agree with Syn...you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I pray things work out in the best interest for you. Its hard to see what we really deserve sometimes but i do know you deserve a whole lot better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks Sad. I had so hoped for a stronger marriage after going through this a few years ago. I was the only one doing the work, he just faked it for a bit. I no longer feel the need now. Detachment is the key , it's really hard for me to do, goes against my nature . The cheating , lying and complete abandonment makes it easier though
Trying to start focusing on myself, haven't really done that in many years. Too much of my focus has been on him. I really dont know what I want anymore or what makes me happy. I do know I don't want to live the way I have been anymore.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Thanks Sad. I had so hoped for a stronger marriage after going through this a few years ago. I was the only one doing the work, he just faked it for a bit. I no longer feel the need now. Detachment is the key , it's really hard for me to do, goes against my nature . The cheating , lying and complete abandonment makes it easier though
> Trying to start focusing on myself, haven't really done that in many years. Too much of my focus has been on him. I really dont know what I want anymore or what makes me happy. I do know I don't want to live the way I have been anymore.


I get that feeling of loosing yourself; not knowing what you want and what makes you happy. It will be a journey for you of self discovery. What will make it easy is the fact that you realize you don't want to live that way anymore. That is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself for coming to that conclusion. I hope I can get there some day soon too.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I receive an e-mail from him about once a week demanding to see the kids and wanting me to tell him what is going on with them. Making promises each week to send support .He is never actually specifically asking anything and changes his request for seeing them usually a day before. He does try to call the kids everynight ( usually) and if they dont answer will call excessively. He can ask them whatever he wants about their lives. He knows they are in therapy and who their therapist is. 
Other than dealing with the one or two emails a week and the phone ringing at night, I haven't had to have any contact with him. The kids mostly choose not to answer the phone when they see it is him.
This time I have been able to stick to the no contact. I can see how over time it will help so that I will feel nothing when I have to deal with him.


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## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

After reading you post I do feel that we are in the same boat. Words cant really describe what you going through. People that you speak to who havent gone through this cant help. They just dont get it. I know that even after everything, all you want is to get back what you had, before it all started. You have feelings that we were really in love once and it was great. There is no reson why we cant get back to that. Resolution now you feel is the key to your happiness. And to be honest it really does solve most of the issues. If he would just come back and be normal. Life would be good, kids would have both mommy and daddy. Joint money in the accout. Wouldnt have to deal with that dreded divorce thing. All the hopes and dreams and plans you both made together. 
But the simple truth of it all is hes gone. Im really sorry to say that but he's just plain and simply gone. Facing that fact is for me had been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. Im serious. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done im my life. I would love to tell you ive lived a blessed life with out problems but it wouldnt be true. My problem which is the same as yours is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But in time I think it will become easier..... least I think so. Like you I have been doing the NC thing for 2 weeks. It does help me detach. I like you also try to rationalize why she did to me as you STBXH has done to you. Read all of it .. midlife chrisis, bi polar. filped the hell out of her mind. To tell you the truth it really dosesnt matter anymore. They did what they did for whatever reason they did it. Im mad about how my ex treats me. She cheated on me then filed for divorce on me, yet she is the one that gets to be angry on me? Hows that work? I dont know anymore as I dont have any of the answers. All i really know is like you the only real "REAL" constructive thing that you can do is protect yourself from further abuse. Let him go and work on yourself and your kids. Harder said then done???? Oh my god yes is it ever but what else do you have control over? You cant control what he says or does. dont waste anymore time over wondering what snaped in his head. It doenst matter. There is no pill or electro shock treatment that will snap him out of it. You really tried... maybe you tried to hard. You will always be able to look back on it all and know that you did everything you could. Time to let it go.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks ronin5573. Looking back, I made it too easy for him to come home. I rushed it because I had been wanting it for so long to happen. There was always another person involved that whole year he was back. They may not have been having sex, but they communicated, she was trying to get him to leave again. We really had no chance of it working. 
I think he will continue to blame his unhappiness on anyone he is with and leave these two ****s at some point for someone else. Hopefully they'll find out about each other too. They are both trash that come from trash so I'm sure he'll be real happy. I just don't want my kids around these people.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I am livid , just received a long letter in the mail from OW2. Confirming my worst fears of what he has said about me to others. Very harsh reading, he is still trying to contact this woman. Man! I was actually having an OK day too. Trying not to let this get to me. How can someone you loved so much , do this! Kids just came home, he told them he was getting an apartment when I know he is living with OW1 and their bastard child. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


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## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

cmf said:


> I am livid , just received a long letter in the mail from OW2. Confirming my worst fears of what he has said about me to others. Very harsh reading, he is still trying to contact this woman. Man! I was actually having an OK day too. Trying not to let this get to me. How can someone you loved so much , do this! Kids just came home, he told them he was getting an apartment when I know he is living with OW1 and their bastard child. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


Why would the OW send you a letter?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Thanks ronin5573. Looking back, I made it too easy for him to come home. I rushed it because I had been wanting it for so long to happen. There was always another person involved that whole year he was back. They may not have been having sex, but they communicated, she was trying to get him to leave again. We really had no chance of it working.
> I think he will continue to blame his unhappiness on anyone he is with and leave these two ****s at some point for someone else. Hopefully they'll find out about each other too. They are both trash that come from trash so I'm sure he'll be real happy. I just don't want my kids around these people.


Can you help these tow women find out about each other?


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Ronin5573-
I imagine she sent the letter because I am suing her. Also, she obviously received the divorce complaint that was sent to him at her house( we sent OW1 one too) She basically lays out her relationship with him and everything he told her( minus the sex of course) It's some really hurtful and very untrue things he has told people about me and our marriage. I will see how my lawyer wants to handle it. I would love to respond to this letter.

Frostflower-
OW2 knows about OW1 as his past"girlfriend" who had a baby while we were separated before. She does not realize he is sleeping and living with her now and was while he was seeing her. OW1 as far as I know doesn't know about OW2 but she sure knows that my H is married and returned to his marriage. She pursued him ( without my knowledge) when he returned home and is probably just happy she has him back and he is taking care of and being a father to their child.

God, even as I type this it is so F***ked up. How did my life become such a drama filled mess. I liked having a calm , peaceful life, taking care of the kids, being with the family, spending time with our group of friends, vacations together. I do not need or want this crap. End of rant.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Ronin5573-
> I imagine she sent the letter because I am suing her. Also, she obviously received the divorce complaint that was sent to him at her house( we sent OW1 one too) She basically lays out her relationship with him and everything he told her( minus the sex of course) It's some really hurtful and very untrue things he has told people about me and our marriage. I will see how my lawyer wants to handle it. I would love to respond to this letter.
> 
> Frostflower-
> ...


Rant here all you want, but don't respond to that letter. let your lawyer handle it.

Those women should know exactly what he has been up to.

Your life will be calm and peaceful again. It will take time and you have a lot more to go through, but it will happen.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

My POS H sent my father an email last night telling him to stay out of his business. It was absolutely ridiculous. My H had told the school at open house that he would be paying for an afterschool program for one of our kids. He never paid it and my Dad offered to pay it for me since I have NO SUPPORT from him at all. I guess he found out my Dad paid it. Why on earth would he be mad at my Dad? Crazy! My Dad's response was awesome though

One thing that I noticed since I busted him on affair 2 is that he addresses all his e-mails with his initials all of a sudden( or doesn't sign them at all). Never his name . Actually, I think he started doing it right before I caught him. He has also started referring to me in my full first name (which no one does) when he e-mails. I could analyze that for days. Has anyone ever seen anything like that?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> My POS H sent my father an email last night telling him to stay out of his business. It was absolutely ridiculous. My H had told the school at open house that he would be paying for an afterschool program for one of our kids. He never paid it and my Dad offered to pay it for me since I have NO SUPPORT from him at all. I guess he found out my Dad paid it. Why on earth would he be mad at my Dad? Crazy! My Dad's response was awesome though
> 
> One thing that I noticed since I busted him on affair 2 is that he addresses all his e-mails with his initials all of a sudden( or doesn't sign them at all). Never his name . Actually, I think he started doing it right before I caught him. He has also started referring to me in my full first name (which no one does) when he e-mails. I could analyze that for days. Has anyone ever seen anything like that?


Good for your Dad!

at the beginning of our separation, my H was opening his emails to me by just jumping into what he wanted to say, no salutation, and was ending it with his initial. I called him on it. It's rude (I didn't say that, just said I found it cold). since then he opens with 'Hi' and ends with his name.

It may have been a way of detaching, but I wasn't going to let him get away with it.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Frostflower- That was pretty much what I was thinking. If I called him on it he would probably just do it more at this point.
I just found it really strange that he addressed me like that in an e-mail to my Dad. The initial thing I saw him do before, but calling me by my full given name is new and just weird. It's like he cant even say my name or use his name.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mine sent emails with no opening too. Now he is sending them with hello or he has called me instead. @sshole men! Urg!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Mine sent emails with no opening too. Now he is sending them with hello or he has called me instead. @sshole men! Urg!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its like they can't bear to acknowledge us using our names which are so personal or to say 'hi' which means they have to, for a brief moment, consider us as people. I think it has to do with shame and guilt. And I say, good! But no way am I letting you get away with not acknowledging me as a person. 

Wear that shame and guilt, Bucko, it looks good on you!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Its like they can't bear to acknowledge us using our names which are so personal or to say 'hi' which means they have to, for a brief moment, consider us as people. I think it has to do with shame and guilt. And I say, good! But no way am I letting you get away with not acknowledging me as a person.
> 
> Wear that shame and guilt, Bucko, it looks good on you!


Yes, my stbxw writes emails with no greeting or salutation too.

Its pathetic really. Some psychological defense no doubt.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, my stbxw writes emails with no greeting or salutation too.
> 
> Its pathetic really. Some psychological defense no doubt.


That's a good description, but its a defence I refused to let stand. On top of everything else, its rude.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> That's a good description, but its a defence I refused to let stand. On top of everything else, its rude.


I called my stbx on it too. She now writes messages that say "Hi Spun".


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

spun said:


> I called my stbx on it too. She now writes messages that say "Hi Spun".


As it should be!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Yeah, it is rude and disrespectful. It's like , since I don't engage at all he has to do it through these e-mails and address me as someone else. Scary really.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I never wasted my time telling him it bothered me. I believe it is rude too. After doing the same to him, he started phasing things with hi now after all everything came out he is now say hello and good morning first. 

Try not to be bothered by his rudeness.....I am finding more and more it isn't worth my time just like it isn't worth yours. You can change someone's ignorance. 

(((Hugs CMF)))


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks Sad, I hope you had a good week-end.
I am still really bothered by the letter I received from the OW2 on Saturday. It was just so hard to read what my H had been doing and saying behind my back to people , all the while pretending at home with the kids and I. I already knew he was doing it , but to see it in writing really has set me back a bit. Plus the e-mails he sent my Dad over the week-end where he was calling me by a name I never go by. The kids also saw him on Saturday and said he acted"really happy" and talked on his phone the whole time again. It confuses them I'm sure. 
I am really trying not to think about it anymore. Thanks for the feedback.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Ok, I am about sick of these e-mails from POS H. I don't answer them, but he seems to be up to something with them now. 

He fires off numerous accusations about me keeping him from being involved with his children( not true!), he demands when he wants to see them and changes his demands with each e-mail, he flat out lies in this last e-mail about giving me money and even states an amount?!, then even says I am demanding too much money from him. I have not e-mailed him in over a month and it's been 6 weeks since I sent him copies of bills as proof as to what we need. He never even responded to it. He also demands that I make the kids talk to him when he calls( I give them a choice when they see it is him and don't answer if they refuse to speak to him). I have heard the kids tell him themselves they don't want to talk to him. His last e-mail stated he wanted to know why they won't pick up? Really?!

His last jab was to offer with child care after school- knowing full well I e-mailed him weeks ago that the children could not go to his love nest with OW1 under any circumstances. He has also claimed he works 5-6 nights out of town a week ( for the last 4 months) and now can help with child-care ? All of this is documented in e-mails he has sent since July. Does he think this will hurt me in court? Just because he lies in an e-mail doesn't make it true. 

Any ideas, other than he is insane?


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## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

cmf said:


> Ok, I am about sick of these e-mails from POS H. I don't answer them, but he seems to be up to something with them now.
> 
> He fires off numerous accusations about me keeping him from being involved with his children( not true!), he demands when he wants to see them and changes his demands with each e-mail, he flat out lies in this last e-mail about giving me money and even states an amount?!, then even says I am demanding too much money from him. I have not e-mailed him in over a month and it's been 6 weeks since I sent him copies of bills as proof as to what we need. He never even responded to it. He also demands that I make the kids talk to him when he calls( I give them a choice when they see it is him and don't answer if they refuse to speak to him). I have heard the kids tell him themselves they don't want to talk to him. His last e-mail stated he wanted to know why they won't pick up? Really?!
> 
> ...


I do have an idea. When an email comes in delete it. Don't even read the subject. He calls dont pickup. If he we're really worried about his kids he would file a motion for temporary visitation. It's all his game. You win his game by not playing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I have another idea to consider,

Take every email sent by H, OW1, OW2 and go to google blogspot and create free website. Post each letter in there entirety, then post comments are each of the mocking them.

Think Stupid Sh1t my dad says, but in the form of Useless pathetic Lies my cheating husband says.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Nice idea Shaggy. OW1 is completely snowed by him, she doesn't communicate with me at all right now. Last time she only tracked me down when she thought I was "interfering" in her relationship with MY husband. I don't even know how to contact her, it's pointless anyway. Wait to see what the lawyer advises.

I think he is expecting things to be the same as our last separation. This time I don't engage at all and am no longer hoping to reconcile.I do need to stop letting it get to me. I just hate the lies!

My lawyer wants me to e-mail only . I have to show some cooperation. It sucks. He is such a poor role model for my children- it's all about him right now, no responsibility, no remorse, no compassion. He is the victim to everyone he talks to. I hope one day this catches up with him.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Just received another e-mail completely proving he lied to me in his last e-mail. He has truly lost his mind.

It was just suggested to me that he is sending these e-mails to use as documentation in court. Could even lie and say he gave me cash and the e-mails are proof. Can he do that? What can I do to set the record straight?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Just received another e-mail completely proving he lied to me in his last e-mail. He has truly lost his mind.
> 
> It was just suggested to me that he is sending these e-mails to use as documentation in court. Could even lie and say he gave me cash and the e-mails are proof. Can he do that? What can I do to set the record straight?


I don't know what you can do about the money he claims he has already sent, but what I would do with the emails is print them and take them to your lawyer. I wouldn't put them in a blog and put comments under them as that could be turned against you. let your lawyer handle it.

About the money, how about asking your lawyer to send a letter to him saying that all monies are to be sent as certified checks? just seeing that from a lawyer may be enough to shut him up.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

> how about asking your lawyer to send a letter to him saying that all monies are to be sent as certified checks? just seeing that from a lawyer may be enough to shut him up.


Thanks FF! I will do that.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

> About the money, how about asking your lawyer to send a letter to him saying that all monies are to be sent as certified checks? just seeing that from a lawyer may be enough to shut him up.


It didn't shut him up, pissed him off though. He is so full of himself. Emailed lawyer that it was my problem and he would do what he wanted , he didn't need to prove anything, it didn't matter. Cancelled seeing the kids tonight in a quick e-mail, said they told him they were too busy with school. Lies. I hate this crap.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> It didn't shut him up, pissed him off though. He is so full of himself. Emailed lawyer that it was my problem and he would do what he wanted , he didn't need to prove anything, it didn't matter. Cancelled seeing the kids tonight in a quick e-mail, said they told him they were too busy with school. Lies. I hate this crap.


I'm so sorry, cmf. I certainly didn't mean to cause you more problems. His reaction sound like a temper tantrum. But to take it out on the kids. What a jerk!

Did your lawyer have a better suggestion for proving how much money he does or doesn't give you? 

Again, I'm sorry.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

FF- No need to be sorry. It was a good idea. My lawyer said not to worry about it. In her email she told him the emails are not proof of anything. He's just mad, he has no idea what is going to happen once this goes to court. Then he'll really get a dose of reality over in affairland. Hopefully he'll throw a tantrum in court


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> FF- No need to be sorry. It was a good idea. My lawyer said not to worry about it. In her email she told him the emails are not proof of anything. He's just mad, he has no idea what is going to happen once this goes to court. Then he'll really get a dose of reality over in affairland. Hopefully he'll throw a tantrum in court


I'll keep my fingers crossed that he does!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I am in a bad place today. Received bad news from realtor, will never make enough on house to pay off mortgage. Would have to do a short sale. Worried about my credit and not being able to buy something else.

Job prospects are bleak, and just received word that my H has finally obtained a lawyer.

I thought it was the waywards that got the reality check?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Not all waywards. My XH is still living in fantasyland because posOW is enabling him to do so. 

So sorry that you're going through all of this, cmf.  ((Hugs))


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You have to believe that he will get his reality check one day and it will hit him hard. By then, you will have moved on and will be doing just fine, which will make it even harder for him as he expected you to be a complete mess.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I try to believe that. Just wish things were more positive with moving forward for me right now. I'll get over it. Thanks FF!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

It's been a few weeks since I was on here, thought I had a good handle on things. I go to my first court date next week and for some reason I am nervous about this.
I have been in no contact, 180 for 2 1/2 months since the second D day. I know there will be no reconciliation, did it for my own sanity.
My H was not made any attempt to speak to me at all since that day. Nothing, total indifference. No support money for months, a few demands to see the kids, then canceling . Speaks with the kids by phone, all superficial.
My plans to move have not been progressing as planned, due to trying to sell house, find job. Nothing panning out yet.
My H saw the kids for the first time in almost a month last nigt and for some reason I am back to anger and depression with all this. We did not speak at all, but he appears to not have a care in the world . Obviously, his affairs are working out for him. I know I can not let this bother me ,but it really does to see him so detached. His actions( or in this case inaction) really show how little we mean to him. I am trying to get past this ,but it is really hard to accept. It's like i'm right back to where I was 2 1/2 months ago. How was I married to this person for so long who could just write me off like this? and not support his children? 
Everyone says this will catch up with him, but I see no signs of this. He has moved on and left me to handle all the mess, I really need to move pass this . I need something to go my way at this point. I don't know how people get past all this.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

His day of reckoning will come when it needs to come. When it's time for him to hit rock bottom. 

Likewise, your day for reward(s) will be come when it needs to come...when you are fully ready to receive it. 

I believe that we go through things so that we can appreciate (and be humbled by) the greatness of what happens on the other side of the trials and tests. How can you know/recognize joy when you haven't felt sorrow and pain? 

I'm sure that your STBXH thinks he is "living the life"...going between two women, having no cares or responsibilities. But _he will reap what he sows_. Especially since he is affecting not one but THREE different families. 

Please take comfort in the knowledge that he is no longer your responsibility. Because, when that day of reckoning comes, it likely won't be pretty for him or anyone around him. 

Sending positive vibes your way, cmf. Take care.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks for that ImStillHere! Had a 2 hour meeting with lawyer today. Emergency custody and support is set for next week, he will most likely try to delay this or get it continued so I am not getting my hopes up for anything happening yet. Sent his lawyer proposal for visitation today, he will probably hit the roof!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Thanks for that ImStillHere! Had a 2 hour meeting with lawyer today. Emergency custody and support is set for next week, he will most likely try to delay this or get it continued so I am not getting my hopes up for anything happening yet. Sent his lawyer proposal for visitation today, he will probably hit the roof!


Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall?! 

His affairs may be going well for him now, but I agree with I'mStillHere. His day will come.

Hang in there.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Sad story, cmf. My heart goes out to you. When my wife walked out on my daughter and I, I thought it was the end of the world. 5 months later, and it's getting easier every day, and it will for you too. You'll have a better life, guaranteed.

Your STBXH and his APs are all cheaters, so eventually it will all blow up in his face. He's defective, definitely seems like he has a personality disorder. You did your best to keep your family together, keep detaching from him and looking forward. Chumplady has a great blog, check it out, it will help you. I wish you the best.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> It's been a few weeks since I was on here, thought I had a good handle on things. I go to my first court date next week and for some reason I am nervous about this.
> I have been in no contact, 180 for 2 1/2 months since the second D day. I know there will be no reconciliation, did it for my own sanity.
> My H was not made any attempt to speak to me at all since that day. Nothing, total indifference. No support money for months, a few demands to see the kids, then canceling . Speaks with the kids by phone, all superficial.
> My plans to move have not been progressing as planned, due to trying to sell house, find job. Nothing panning out yet.
> ...


 
I hope you are in a better place today. I really hate that feeling you describe of feeling upset because he seems to not have any cares and shows little concern or care for you after such a long time together. I get it. I think it is one of the things that bothers me the most. I have been working hard to detach from that care myself. All I keep thinking is that I have no control over what others do or feel. I can only control me. 

Take care of yourself. Do something special for yourself today.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Thanks Sad and maincourse99!
Doing better today. Dread court next week as it will probably be a waste of time while his lawyer delays everyhthing. Would like to get support coming in . My H still lives in denial that he is free from any responsibilites. He really is quite sick , the longer this goes on the more people have come forward with information. I do fear that when he has to face all this , I may be in danger. He is someone else now . Someone I don't know.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Thanks Sad and maincourse99!
> Doing better today. Dread court next week as it will probably be a waste of time while his lawyer delays everyhthing. Would like to get support coming in . My H still lives in denial that he is free from any responsibilites. He really is quite sick , the longer this goes on the more people have come forward with information. I do fear that when he has to face all this , I may be in danger. He is someone else now . Someone I don't know.


If you fear for your safety, let the local police know and take any other measures you can to protect yourself. talk to your lawyer about this.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Thanks Sad and maincourse99!
> Doing better today. Dread court next week as it will probably be a waste of time while his lawyer delays everyhthing. Would like to get support coming in . My H still lives in denial that he is free from any responsibilites. He really is quite sick , the longer this goes on the more people have come forward with information. I do fear that when he has to face all this , I may be in danger. He is someone else now . Someone I don't know.


This scares me for you. Do you have family near you? Do you really feel threatened?


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I've been down this road before with him. I do have family nearby. I will do what needs to be done as far a s safety is concerned. Just have to wait and see unfortunately. For now he is just detached, nothing is touching him. I dont think he is paying his lawyer so they are not communicating. Just slows everything up.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

ok. I take it back. Something is up. Call from neighbor. He has been riding by the house at all hours, day and night. Different cars.

My son actually saw him after school riding by the house, He didn't even stop to talk to him. What is he doing? Maybe I should be worried. He hasn't even asked to see them this week-end.

Why did the neighbor wait to tell me this if it's been going on? Maybe I am being paranoid.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Well, had my first court date today. He showed up , ignored me completely. His lawyer called my lawyer while in the courtroom to say he had a "stomach virus". Nothing happened, delayed possibly until next month. This was for emergency custody and support.
My lawyer received his answer to the initial complaint this morning. He denied everything and is contesting everything. The only thing that happened was that the judge made him reveal his adress on the record- of course it was OW's. 
This morning when I was dropping off my son at school, we saw my stbxh leaving the school( have no idea what he was doing) he got into a brand new truck. The man not paying support and claiming he cant pay alimoney. Bought a new truck. In the complaint he countered that I was "fiscally irresponsible" and that I had depleted all his assests. And that I had abandoned him. He claimsI condoned his cheating during our last separation and "maliciously" threw him out. 
This man has gone on massive spending sprees depleting all of his money needed for bills to our household throughout the whole marriage, skipping on payments to credit cards, IRS, medical bills, and anyone who loans him money. I separated my finances from him years ago! He denied a sexual affair when we were separated before and now has a 13 month old illigetimate child as proof!

I just feel sick.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

cmf said:


> Well, had my first court date today. He showed up , ignored me completely. His lawyer called my lawyer while in the courtroom to say he had a "stomach virus". Nothing happened, delayed possibly until next month. This was for emergency custody and support.
> My lawyer received his answer to the initial complaint this morning. He denied everything and is contesting everything. The only thing that happened was that the judge made him reveal his adress on the record- of course it was OW's.
> This morning when I was dropping off my son at school, we saw my stbxh leaving the school( have no idea what he was doing) he got into a brand new truck. The man not paying support and claiming he cant pay alimoney. Bought a new truck. In the complaint he countered that I was "fiscally irresponsible" and that I had depleted all his assests. And that I had abandoned him. He claimsI condoned his cheating during our last separation and "maliciously" threw him out.
> This man has gone on massive spending sprees depleting all of his money needed for bills to our household throughout the whole marriage, skipping on payments to credit cards, IRS, medical bills, and anyone who loans him money. I separated my finances from him years ago! He denied a sexual affair when we were separated before and now has a 13 month old illigetimate child as proof!
> ...


Thank Heavens you separated your finances. 

We had a parent ask a staff member to complete a form basically saying that he was a good parent. He and his wife are involved in a custody dispute. is it possible your husband was after something like that at the school? We are not allowed to get involved in marital disputes in this way. Hopefully the same applies at your son's school.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

That could be it, who knows. 
He is lying so much now, he truly seems to believe his lies are the truth.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

I hope that you will be able to keep your head straight and your emotions out of it. 

That being said, you might have GOT his ass! If he was forced to admit living with that other woman, boom. Adultery! I don't know the laws in your state but if you've successfully claimed adultery, and it looks like you have, you may have this thing won. 

Good luck and God bless you through these trying times.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

For anyone still keeping up with all this:

Had court again today. Got basic child support filed with it coming directly out of his paycheck!  Hopefully he will not lose this job soon. Nothing else settled or brought up.

He was not happy, lost it outside of the courtroom with his lawyer. Continues to blame me for everything. He truly feels he is the victim . Actually said out loud"I shouldn't have to pay anything if I cant see my kids when I want!"

I guess I was lucky , he still completely ignores me, did talk trash about me outside court loudly to his lawyer.

I admit, it was nice to see him squirm and get nervous for once. His consequences with all this have been a long time coming and this is just the beginning. All he had to do today was agree to pay state mandated child support and you would have thought it was asking too much of him. Sick. Wait till he gets to deal with my lawyer fees, alimony,custody and the marital debt.

Hopefully, no more court until next year.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm glad to see some justice in the world! 

Congrats!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Frostflower said:


> Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall?!
> 
> His affairs may be going well for him now, but I agree with I'mStillHere. His day will come.
> 
> Hang in there.


Oh yes how his day will come. Same thing with my STBXH. Same behaviours, playing 2 women at once (me & OW). Read my story, HIS DAY HAS COME.


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