# Confused...



## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

So to start out, I have been married for six years a couple of days ago. A loooo0oong time lol, I know not really. But, when you are 25 it is... Anyway me and my husband have had the most rocky relationship ever, Love Hate and everything in between. We both did thing that should not have been done... I just want to know what people who doesn't know me think... An unbiased opinion. So to start our love story off we met because I was dating the "guy down stairs" in the apartment below my husband/dude at the time lol. And we met through him, after time we would go out and park "by the wall" and just.... talk. My perfect man. We hung out, partied and whatnot together. Then the first problem we had was partly me over reacting because I didn't really know him, But we where partying and a girl was over our house laying on the couch and as quick as you can say "jumped on her" thats what he did, he jumped on her and off of her in one quick second.... Me not wanting to make a big deal because I was just dating him I waited till the next day to bring it up with him and said it kinda hurt when he did that... But not wanting to comfort me he got mad that i would even think he would be like that. So me not wanting him to think I'm a jealous freak let it go as fast as i brought it up. Then later we where married for a year and I was bulging prego with my son we went to a marriage reception and he had told me his ex was going to be there.... I knew and really didn't care cause my friends where going to be there also... But we sat and ate and stuff you normally do and his ex comes in and i am like yeah go ahead cause my friend oca was there and i love him. The whole time I sat there.... oca left after my husband did... i was alone sitting there.... He went and talked to her three separate times and we had talked about it and agreed he should have came and checked up on his prego wife.... Then after the baby was born and two.... he started going off to "old man bob's house" and drink and party there without me.... I didn't get worried till he started coming home talking about "stacey" the women who is as old as his mother and was drinking on a daily biases.... Told me nothing happened.... That they just talked... Finally my last straw.... I found dating sites in his email with words that....... really hurt my heart bad.... really bad. I mean yes i am perfect... Before the whole stacey thing I was talking to my ex..... (no excuses) I "man-ed" up to what I did.... 

((I'm a married man having a little trouble having the fun I require in the bedroom. I enjoy straying away from the everyday juicebox at night. I'm open-minded on the sex situation "I'll try anything" I definitely would say sex is more fun and recreational to me than it is love.))


The "juice box" is me....
I'm just so hurt... When is enough enough?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That is all very hurtful, no doubt! I'm sorry about that, and that you had to see that email.

But the bulk of your post concerns things that happened 4-6 years ago. Which raises the question...

What are you doing NOW for your marriage? What are your concerns now? What are the issues NOW? Are you guys talking? Do you have a healthy sex life? Things that happened years ago are really not what should be determining your happiness now.

Have you confronted him about the email? If not, why not? Can you guys talk openly?

So many questions! I'm not saying you need to answer them here, but you do need to ask them of yourself. Good luck.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

Well.... Our sex life is fine.... better now then before... Happy.. Not as much as we where.... And yes i confronted him and he said nothing came of it.... It just scares me..... cause there where so many points in time that he just doesn't come home.... and what are we doing now for the marriage? nothing.... everytime i try to talk to him i either am jealous or think he is cheating with no doubt.... so from one extreme to the other.... I'm not happy... But I don't want to leave my childs father..... I haven't been happy.... He chooses not to make me happy.... which is the thing.... I told him i need him to be more fourplay as touching and kissing.... and the only time i had seen a glimpse of it was when i was doing the dishes and he wrapped both hands around me and held me, which i have been dreaming for.... and he reaches in my pocket and gets my money..... the only reason he did it was to get to the $


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, you clearly have a lot of ongoing questions....are you in counseling?

No one can choose to make you happy. That's up to you. You are in a bad situation, and you need to decide what you are going to do about it. That's why I think some counseling would be good.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

lol alot alot of problems.... but yeah, I don't think i want to go talk to a counselor.... scared....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sure, honey, it's scary...so is going to the dentist, but if you never go, your teeth will fall out of your head.

Being adult is about facing up to scary things. You know the problem, and you are afraid to seek the solution. That's ok, for a little while, but not for a long while. So think about it, and good luck!


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

thank you...


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

I just thought this is what it is for.... not to go to a councilor? to not talk to some one that will ask, "well how does that make you feel?" i know how it makes me feel.... obviously lol
Confused. still


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You're right, Pale,you don't ever have to go. You don't ever have to ask yourself WHY. Some people live their whole lives that way. You really don't have to live a more enlightened life.

Your choice


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

I understand what you say, It isn't that i don't want to know.... I would just rather an opinion of a regular person.... not a doc that will just try to medicate me up... (which is what I have experienced in therapy)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Counselors/therapists are not allowed to prescribe medicine.

anyway, you have a million excuses, so I wish you well.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Since you guys got married so early, your husband likely did not go through the normal "maturation cycle" that most guys need to get through. So unfortunately it sounds like that's what he is going through now - confusion, denial, withdrawal and so forth. The only thing I can suggest is a HIGHLY qualified marriage counselor. But even then, the only way to make that work is if both parties are committed to saving the marriage.

And it does also help to have a busy lifestyle - work, working out, healthy hobbies, etc...but that, again, requires commitment. Healthy routines can help get release and relief from stress and being overwhelmed, which it sounds like you guys have both and then some.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Unless you see a psychiatrist (M.D.), you won't get medication. Both of my brothers-in-law are psychologists, and they are actually "normal" people; although "normal" IS a subjective term ... LOL!

You can dig deeper within yourself to see what triggers you, why it triggers you, and examine your own issues. Or, as lamaga suggested, just discuss issues with your friends or act like issues don't bother you.

I am married to a man who refuses to face his feelings. Oh, he has feelings; I mean, he's not a 'droid! But he stuffs a lot of issues down inside. For him, it's just a matter of sucking it up and dealing with it himself. I don't think it works too well for him, but I respect his choice to live that way.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

lamaga, you jump on people to easy.
And not like they aren't normal people.... lol
BUT i was looking for opinions of people and not therapy soo there being the reason why i came to this site.....
people are jumpy. too jumpy. never mind.....


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

and i have no friends...... another reason why i came to the site....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sorry, Pale. 

You have a hard decision to make. I'd also be very hurt and angry if I discovered a message like that. And the first part of that sentence, "I enjoy straying..." says all I would need to know for me to pack my bags. 

Leaving is a huge decision, of course. Especially since you have a child together. I will tell you what I would do if I was in your shoes, but please know there is no "right" or "easy" answer.

I would figure out just how much he wants to be committed or not committed to the marriage and his family. If he wants to keep it going, then we'd need to lay some ground rules. 

Those ground rules might be very freedom oriented (letting him have affairs under certain conditions) or very strict (1 woman, 1 man) depending on what we both could live with. If we agreed to monogamy, I would insist on using a keylogger on his computer, having full access to his phone and phone records, and having him demonstrate his faithfulness by getting his a$$ home at night and only socializing as a couple. 

I'm not a "nice" girl, but I'm very good to my partner. In order for him to be my partner and deserve the best I have, he must be a good partner TO me as well.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

Awesome advise... Thank you


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So you want to stay married, but you don't trust him? He talks to other women, you talked to your ex, he won't do foreplay so your sex life is just okay?

You want opinions. Opinions about what? You don't want counseling (which could help your marriage) because you worry they're going to prescribe meds?

Is this the gist of it?


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

Not only the meds..... jumping again.
I'm scared.... period.
I get nervous talking to anyone in person


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Palewhiteskin said:


> Not only the meds..... jumping again.
> I'm scared.... period.
> I get nervous talking to anyone in person


I get the nervous thing. Fine. But that doesn't answer all my questions.

Do you want a husband that actively seeks out other women? What he's doing is wrong. You can't control him or what he does, but you can take a stand for yourself and not accept what he's dishing out.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

i ask people's opinion on my situation.... it being that. the situation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Palewhiteskin said:


> i ask people's opinion on my situation.... it being that. the situation.


Well my opinion is it sucks. The situation.

I wouldn't stay in it because it sucked. He would get an ultimatum from me based on what I found. Knock it off, or I'm out.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

I don't know if he is seeking them now.... all i know is the email and him not coming home for years....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LOL. And she got mad at me for being frank.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Palewhiteskin said:


> I don't know if he is seeking them now.... all i know is the email and him not coming home for years....


Thats all you need to know. The email, and his not coming home are signs of foul play.

Tell him to knock it off, or you're done.


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## Palewhiteskin (May 29, 2012)

lamaga said:


> You're right, Pale,you don't ever have to go. You don't ever have to ask yourself WHY. Some people live their whole lives that way. You really don't have to live a more enlightened life.
> 
> Your choice


Isn't being frank.... it was being a smart ass... i know the difference


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