# Separated and pulling away..Men please read



## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

As most of you know my husband and I are separated.

It's been a week since he moved out. The first couple days were really bad, I guess it's getting better.

The first couple days after he left I felt like he didn't give a crap about anything, I initiated alot of the communication.The past 2 days he has been calling and texting me first. He has also been asking me where I'm going, what did you do?, who did you go with?, Did you meet up with your boyfriend?(joking around), what are you wearing?, your looking all cute and sexy huh?

I have also been ignoring some of his calls and then calling him back a little later, the same with texts. WE have an agreed time (9pm) to talk about us, the situation etc. Last night I was on the phone with a friend and he called my cell phone twice and the home phone twice. I called him back 30 min later.

We talked but I was kinda short, after awhile he text me asking me if everything was ok, he asked if I was "pulling away" I replied "im fine" he then texted me goodnight and I ignored it.

Soooo my question is .. Is he starting to see that he could lose me? Up until now I really felt like he didn't care if he did or not and I told him that.

Is this me "pulling away"? I have never done this separation thing.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

So, how do you feel? What do you want? Does he know how you feel and what you want?


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I want him, I love him but it's a struggle for me. I want to hold on but sometimes I want to throw in the towel. 

I told him yesterday I was bouncing back and forth. I asked him if he would even care if he lost me. His response was "he would understand" because of the hurt he has caused me.

Confused, lost, torn...an emotional mess


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I would continue doing what you are doing until you decide 100% what you want...


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Definitely feel for what you want. It can be so hard. I want my wife back but then I feel like why? Based on what she has put me through, which has been awful!

My advice keep up with what you are doing. I would bet if you went out on a date with someone he would be calling you in a heart beat.

It would drive him crazy...If it doesn't then I think he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
I also would be cordial when he contacts but I would not call him unless necessary. He wants this then he needs to see what reality is.

I did this years ago with a girlfriend at the time and when she started dating, I started seeing what I really missed about her.

Good luck!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

is counseling an option? it sounds like you are both on the fence------if you want to have a chance you'll both need to really decide to try together.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

hi kgregory1011 , im going to jump on your post and ask you some advice..

" I have also been ignoring some of his calls and then calling him back a little later, the same with texts. WE have an agreed time (9pm) to talk about us, the situation etc. Last night I was on the phone with a friend and he called my cell phone twice and the home phone twice. I called him back 30 min later."

how can i stop myself from calling anf texting him all the time.. i know he does not respect me when i chase him, and when i dont contact him he panics and calls and texts me, but i just cannot stop myself. Please tell me how you are being so strong?

P.S i know just how you are feeling and what your going through, and im sure you sound like a very sensible level headed lady, and im sure you will get through this.. whatever the outcome. xx


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Im not,That was a fluke day I guess. I've lost it, Imagine the worst when I dont here from him. 

My husband though has 75% checked out of the marriage. 

He says, that I will never understand his pain, he is battling between "true love" and "emotional stability".

I'm a wreck but I love him so much. It's hard for me to let him throw this away because he is mentally unstable right now.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Good morning K...hope you have a better day today, thinking of you!!!

I wonder if you are tryng to take all the weight on your shoulders, you keep saying he is mentaly unstable right now...that's a big burden for one to take on...just ake on what you can fix right now, and that would be yourself...he has to take care of himself...

God Bless!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like he gets to eat his cake and have it, too. He can talk to you and keep the marriage on a string while enjoying life as a single. Are you sure he isn't having an affair? 

Start living your life as a single person (but don't worry about dating). The more indepedent and happier you become on your own, the better off you are and the more attractive you are--to yourself, to him, to everyone. But being more attractive is NOT the goal--getting to the point you can make an honest assessment of what YOU want is the goal. You may feel love for him right now, but is that based on something healthy, or on something unhealthy (given that he left, there is a strong possibility your love for him may not have been based on what is really good for you). 

Letting go of him for a while may be the best thing for you. Do not do it as a way to manipulate him, however, b/c if you draw away he may also move on. You just don't know. The point is, as long as you fear HIS decisions more than you value your own, you are operating from a position of weakness. That is not in your best interest!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The common thread I notice to all your posts is that it always seems to be about what he wants, what he feels, what he thinks. What about you? Don't you have the right to want, feel, think? 

I understand you love him and want to be with him. But there comes a point where you go from being a loving wife waiting on her husband to figure himself out and instead become a woman who is being used and taken advantage of by a man who thinks it's fun and cool that he can string her along and have everything he wants. 

You need to stop worrying so much about what he thinks, wants and feels, and make your own decisions about what you think, want and feel. And if it doesn't match up with his, then you move on. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you, instead of someone who has no idea what he wants and is just going to keep stringing you along. Even if it's not his intention to string you along, it seems to be what he's doing.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

He is sick, he is manic and I care about him. I worry about him.Thats not going to change, wether we are together as a couple or friends.

I don't understand what he is dealing with, neither does he. I don't know what the future holds for us. I am looking ahead into the future for myself and my daughter. 

I am going to have moments of weekness, I am going to feel weak, I am going to breakdown and call him. I am in the crying stage but I am also getting angry. I need to get through all the emotions so I can move on, so I can see there is some light.

He needs to get stabilized with meds before he can start thinking rational. He is NOT a bad person ,he is not having an affair. When he is "stable" he is the most amazing man I've known, I am his princess and he treats me as one. 

It's not just me who is suffering through all this.His children 19 and 21 are also suffering, they live in Utah.

He is retired Air Force and has never been the same since Iraq and Afghanistan. 

This is what he posted on my facebook page ...

"IM SORRY LOVE, BUT WHAT I AM DEALING WITH IS PAIN AS WELL... NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND/KNOW WHAT I WRESTLE WITH. SEPARATING TRUE LOVE FROM MENTAL/EMOTIONAL STABILITY"

I do not believe he is stringing me along. He loves me and he wants to be with me. That was the reason for the separation, so he could work through "his issues" so he could get stable again with meds. He is seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist to try and help him"figure this all out". In the meantime I am trying to cope and deal with the reality that we MAY NOT make it through this.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Please, don't feel like you need to justify anything to any of us...I'm doing stupid stuff everyday just hoping she will see it and come back...I'm taking care of her cat cause her apartment won't allow pets...I hate cats...just assume give it lead poisoning and get rid of plenty of frustrations...but, I can't/won't...there's more stupid stuff I do everyday out of habit...I don't cry much anymore, but the hurt isn't less...

what I want you to think about is that you need to heal yourself...become stronger...be the strong one, don't linger in pain too long...be strong for him too!!!

I never did serve for our Country, God Bless and thank your husband for his sacrafice for us...he is a true hero...but now you need to be a hero for him!

hope this makes sense...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Because he has a serious mental illness, you need to practice more self-care, not less. In some ways I admire him for taking on this burden himself and NOT assuming you should solve his problems. Can you let go enough to let him focus on himself for a while? It is possible he will get stable and realize he does not want the marriage, so living as though that is the outcome--and taking care of yourself, exploring your own wishes and dreams, separate from him, will be good for you. Do you have faith, the kind that lets you put this in God's hands so you can move on and find happiness right now (well, soon) without h in your life?

Does the therapist recommend these daily phone calls to discuss "us?" Sounds a bit counter productive right now, given his (h's, not therapist's) insatibility. How can he make a decision about "us" when he's unstable and not "him?" 

Anyway, staying in the waiting mode, as you are doing, may not be best for you and the kids. Letting them see you moving on--not "moving away from him," but moving on to explore YOU, and embracing this as an opportunity, will reduce the burden they feel worrying about you. It will also show them that we can find happiness even when dealing with something very difficult, like this mental illness their father struggles with.

Good luck!


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