# wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate



## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

My wife is involved in an affair that has lasted almost a year. I found this out in dec. She denied the physical at first but then 2 weeks later I found it to be true. She says the physical part is over but they still communicate. I've asked for her to be open with me about what they are disscussing but she had not. I'm changing in my behaviour and actions, because I see where I was lacking. Now 4 months from dday we're sleeping separately no sex, and very little affection. She seems to be in a fog as to what she wants. Wether to work on or marriage or split up. We've got 2 kids and have been married 11years. I'm at my wits end as to what to do. We're both doing counselling and I have made serious progress. I never considered or marriage that bad and she agrees with me on that. She seems consumed with him and if the sex has truly stopped than it seems this is now an emotional affair, what do I do


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

I truly love her and want to work this out. Just dont know how much indecision I can take


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The bottom line is that you're not going to be able to save your marriage until your wife knows that you're willing to end it. How much you love her really doesn't matter, because _she's spent nearly a year showing you that *she neither loves nor respects you.*_ And don't listen to any words that she may offer to the contrary -- instead take note of what she does and doesn't do. Words, not actions.

Sooo... w/ ^that^ in mind, I'll repeat the advice that I offered to you in the "EA vs PA" thread...



GusPolinski said:


> 1. Start your own thread
> 
> 2. Implement a solid 180
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?
How long have you been married?
Do you have children together? If so how old are they?
The info helps.

As long as you let this go on, it will.

It's time for you to destabilize things. By that I mean to let her know that you will not wait for her to make up her mind any more. She either joins you in reconciling from the affair or you will file for divorce.

She has to end all contact with the OM (other man) before any recovery can start.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it and follow what the books says to do. It talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have been doing Plan A... it's time for Plan B.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

First of all she's lying to you. Affairs rarely revert back to "just" an EA, as if that's any better. Second of all, she will keep lying to you as long as you let her. She is walking all over you and you're letting her. Until you get her out of that fog you're screwed. Time to man up dude.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Love is selfish in which we do not want to let go and hold on. Logically you know that she has broken your trust, pushed you into competition with another man, and created chaos into your life. Emotionally, most of that does not matter because love is a biological and hormonal system that acts like an addiction. It is the bonding mechanism that bonds one person to another in helping to stay together to raise offspring.

I suggest you take the time to detach, to make a decision from a more logical standpoint instead of from an emotional one. Your wife is more flawed than you believed, and she may leave you or not. She will be an unknown variable in your life. You have not also fully experienced the anger of her affair yet either. Because she is on the cusp of leaving, your love, or addiction is making you needy, and your going through the physical and mental withdrawal from the loss of her.

Take control of what you can, which is only your life, and what you can do to improve it. Work out, find a life without her, learn to be your own individual. If your the one to make the decision to dissolve the marriage, then it will force her to make a decision. Sometimes people do not know what will motivate them in the end. You may lose her, or not, but the improvements you make, be confident that you would be a great partner, and you would want someone around the same standards. If she chooses not to be your partner, why try and keep her there? Either way, once you create an environment where she has to make a choice, you can either progress with your life. I think you should move on anyways. It will give you the chance to see if she is really the type of partner you want. It would take you years to forgive her if she wanted to come back, and even though you may want her now, once you have time to process the affair, there is still a high possibility of you leaving her given the statistics. 

Right now, she is in the position of power. She gets to pick what she wants to end up with. She knows that your the safe choice right now, that gives her time to choose. Why wait for that decision, and do not forget that you have a choice to move on or not also. Take away her safety.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> The bottom line is that you're not going to be able to save your marriage until your wife knows that you're willing to end it. How much you love her really doesn't matter, because _she's spent nearly a year showing you that *she neither loves nor respects you.*_ And don't listen to any words that she may offer to the contrary -- instead take note of what she does and doesn't do. Words, not actions.
> 
> Sooo... w/ ^that^ in mind, I'll repeat the advice that I offered to you in the "EA vs PA" thread...


This is a good start. Someone who is caught in infidelity and isn't immediately remorseful, needs some swift, harsh reality brought down on their head.

She needs repercussions. She needs to see she is losing her family and any emotional support from you by her pathetic actions.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HarryDoyle said:


> First of all she's lying to you. Affairs rarely revert back to "just" an EA, as if that's any better. Second of all, she will keep lying to you as long as you let her. She is walking all over you and you're letting her. Until you get her out of that fog you're screwed. Time to man up due.


Good point. Can't believe I didn't address that.

In other words, floating, your wife and OM are likely still f*cking.

Who is OM, by the way? Friend? Friend's husband? Boss? Co-worker? Neighbor?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Good point. Can't believe I didn't address that.
> 
> In other words, floating, your wife and OM are likely still f*cking.
> 
> Who is OM, by the way? Friend? Friend's husband? Boss? Co-worker? Neighbor?


If you don't know investigate.
Eh strike that just cut the cord.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sad to say, but you are her "Plan B." And her waffling is nothing more than a conscious effort on her part that she is going to ride that poor ol' tired mule until he falls down out in the middle of the road.

In addition to all of the other conveyed advise that you've thus far received here at TAM, you need to get yourself to a lawyer's office post haste and have an exploratory meeting to fully assess your legal rights. And contingent upon the age of your kids, I'd recommend having them DNA tested.

And speaking of tests, get yourself to an MD to have yourself tested for the presense of STD's that she may well have clandestinely passed on to you!

As is, she's controlling the power and is calling all of the shots ~ it's high time that that worm turns, and rather quickly, I might add!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

floatingbarely said:


> My wife is involved in an affair that has lasted almost a year. I found this out in dec. She denied the physical at first but then 2 weeks later I found it to be true. She says the physical part is over but they still communicate. I've asked for her to be open with me about what they are disscussing but she had not. I'm changing in my behaviour and actions, because I see where I was lacking. Now 4 months from dday we're sleeping separately no sex, and very little affection. She seems to be in a fog as to what she wants. Wether to work on or marriage or split up. We've got 2 kids and have been married 11years. I'm at my wits end as to what to do. We're both doing counselling and I have made serious progress. I never considered or marriage that bad and she agrees with me on that. She seems consumed with him and if the sex has truly stopped than it seems this is now an emotional affair, what do I do


Don't take it the wrong way but you are stuck in your own "fog" so to speak. She isn't waffling on her decision. She is doing what she wants. Think about this, its been 4 months and she still can't decide then what is the marriage worth to her to begin with? 

Whatever faults you had in the marriage do not justify her affair. You will never be able to repair the marriage as long as she is still having an affair. The "perfect world" of affair land is always better than real life. 

You need to give yourself some emotional distance so you can see what's really going on. Your trying to nice her back and it nearly always backfires.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

floatingbarely, 

If I asked you tonight "Which do you want? To have all your time free with no responsibilities and be homeless... or to have to work and have home, work and personal responsibilities, but also have a wife and kids and a warm home?" ... how long would it take you to answer me? 

Would it take four months? No of course not! Because in real life, work is hard and the responsibilities are hard, but you DEEPLY WANT your wife and kids and home! You weigh that decision literally every day, because literally every single day you could decide that today's the day you choose freedom and no responsibilities with no home! 

The reason I tell you this is that when a person REALLY, DEEPLY wants something they find a way to get it done. When you wanted to fix your marriage, you found a way to select a counselor, get your butt there, and pay for it! It didn't take you four months to waffle back and forth, did it?

So waffling back and forth IS your answer. She made a promise to YOU and YOUR FAMILY, and she has legal obligations to you and to the marriage as an entity and to the children as heirs--she has no responsibility or obligation to the OM whatsoever, and yet she can not decide to honor her promises. Thus that is your answer. She is a person who does not stand firmly behind honoring her promises. Her own promises mean nothing to her. 

And from that we can also deduce that her WORDS mean nothing. She will tell anyone anything in order to get what she wants IN THE MOMENT. From her actions we can see that what she values is not those whom she promised to love and protect: her spouse and her family. Her actions show us that she values the high of being pursued above everything, including the risk of LOSING her marriage, home and family. That's pretty shocking! 

So here's what we know:

1) We know her decision: she does not intend to honor her promises

2) We know her words mean nothing.

3) We know that her actions say she will risk losing her marriage, home and family for "what she wants" (in other words, she's selfish). 

I would strongly suggest that you talk with her tomorrow, tell her that she has had four months to indicate with her actions that she chooses her husband and family over the affair, and since she has not done so that you consider that her decision. Tell her that since she does not choose to honor her promises at this time, that she is to move out until she is willing to end all contact with the other man forever, and demonstrate ongoing commitment to you and the marriage. Tell her that you have called her family or her sister (whoever) to come get her and you have already packed 3 suitcases for her and will ship the rest to where she's staying or rent a storage unit for her. 

Now you may think this is going to drive her straight into the other man's arms, and honestly it might! But if it did, she would learn three valuable lessons: 

1) you will not be there to be her "plan b" in case the other man doesn't work out, and 

2) you will only accept a partner in your life who will actually commit to honoring her promises to you, and 

3) life with with the other man will not be the "bed of roses" she is fantasizing it will be: she'll not be able to see her own children, she won't "get the house and child support", and life will be a mess! 

Seriously the faster you do this--the faster she can learn the valuable life lesson and MAYBE (I repeat: *MAYBE*) repent and actually change. The longer you allow her to waffle back and forth and carry on the affair while you "compete" with the other man, the longer you make your own agony and the harder her heart will become. 

Do this NOW. TODAY as soon as possible, and let the big ol' frypan of reality hit her on the head! It will clear the fog away a LOT faster!!


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

Firstly the PA hasn't ended - that is almost for sure from what you have said. That is why you are not getting any sex. She is loyal to the other guy.

Second, if there is doubt, there is no doubt. She is in love with the other man, not you. She just doesn't want to let the safety of "you" go just yet. It may be that the other man has not shown her a clear way forward. You should check that and try and find out why not - is he still married, in a relationship, not earning (as much), on drugs ????

Protect yourself and file for divorce.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey floating-------time for you to stop enabling your so called wife

You love her-----what is that?????---how do you love someone, who has taken another man inside of her----AND FLAUNTS IT AT YOU--------if that is what love is---I would want no part of it

What you love is the woman, YOU ONCE WERE MARRIED TO-----THAT WOMAN NO LONGER EXISTS

If you want to stay and attempt an R----you need to hard line your wife---and force an end to her A.

You do that by kicking her out of the house----(kids or no kids)-------she wants to be with another man ---then tell her to go and be with the other man-----you also pull a very HARD 180 on her

You have to let her know----that ----ENUFF IS ENUFF-----and the ENUFF STARTS RIGHT NOW

One other thing to convince her you are serious------go on your computer---google your state's family codes----go to the section on divorce/custody/property settlement----and print out all the packets--------then leave them in the house where she will HAVE TO FIND THEM----they will be blank---but she will get a large jolt of understanding just how much damage she has done, and how serious you now are!!!!!!

Whether you stay with her, and continue this mge---is strictly up to you and what LEVEL OF MISERY , you want to live with for the rest of YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Floating my man, she's not the one in a fog. You are. Here's the problem with many men. They believe that because they love the woman, they can save the relationship. Your fooling yourself. 
She tells you the physical part is over but they still communicate and you want to believe it. I've got news for you dawg, when she tells that same thing to her boyfriend about you, she's telling the truth. In case your still wondering why there is no sex and affection is because she's saving it for the guy she really cares about and wants to be with. And it ain't you This chick couldn't be clearer that she's lost interest in you and the marriage and she's stringing you along until she can get her ducks in a row. The majority of folks here see it. And let me guess; these changes in your behavior and actions, because you see where you were lacking, are geared toward kissing her rear than being less of a doormat and chump.
If you'd gotten with the crew here at the first sign she was losing interest in you, perhaps we could have recommended an antidote. Its too late now.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP, you must accept reality in that your wife is still cheating on you by keeping in contact with the OM. You must also implement the 180 to emotionally detach from her and file for divorce ASAP.

You should not accept being her Plan B man in case her Plan A dumps her on her @ss. Invite her to leave so that she can be with the OM.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you contacted an attorney and filed?

Do not be her backup plan.

Have her get tested for stds, and also you get tested.

Drive her over to the OM's place and she can leave her family behind.

How would she like it if you had an A? and the OM will cheat on her just like he is cheating with her.

Expose her A far and wide.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Floatingbarely

From what you have posted here is how I take what is happening. Your wife fell for someone else, she is loyal to him and you know this by her waffling between who to pick. Of course the physical ended (eye roll) because if she doesn't tell you that you will most likely leave. If she thinks you wouldn't leave she will remain undecided. You, floatingbarely, have to make a decision based upon what is best for you. Normally people have three options in this type of case, open marriage, divorce, reconciliation. You only have two options presently, open marriage or divorce. It requires very hard work to reconcile, your wife isn't willing to do this hard work, hence why she is undecided. So what do you want?

As a betrayed spouse you have to make all the decisions you never wanted to make. It is your choice to offer reconciliation but from what you posted that will only bring you more misery. My WW confessed, but only after she knew she had nothing left to lose. That means you expose the affair, file for divorce and speak with her only about the kids. You have to take control of what you want, and I know you didn't want this, but reality is you need to be strong and decisive now. I'm sorry you are here and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You don't want any more "indecision"? 

Where you are now=No control (wife still in touch with OM and not committed to you)

You need to affect the situation in order to get a reaction either way. Take control.

Indecision is not on her part. Indecision is on your part for allowing contact to continue with OM. So make a decision.

Take control.

No contact with OM. And she decides immediately whether to R or not. These are non negotiable. Anything else see a lawyer.

Take control.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> I'm changing in my behaviour and actions, because I see where I was lacking.



Ah, she has shifted the blame for this to you. Very typical cheater mindset and tactic.

You may well have things that you need to improve on, but is this the way she believes a problem should be solved? She needs another man to have sex with her, so you can realize you need to change? Yeah, a new **** will surely fix all this.

Its very sad, and a bit disgusting. You've got lightbulbs in your brain showing you all the answers. Meanwhile, SHE needs a lightbulb to come on in the section of her brain that tells her she's a remorseless, selfish, cheating narcissist.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> I truly love her and want to work this out. Just dont know how much indecision I can take


 The indecision here at work is not on her part but yours. She has decided to not choose, to get the perks of the both of you. You on the other hand are letting your actions be dictated by your fears of losing the relationship and the subsequent actions thereafter. I will be so bold and say that had she told you these details when you first met you wound't have pursued a relationship with her.

You will here, and most likely ignore for now, that the only way to fight this is to file for Divorce. Of course this is NOT what you want or you wouldn't be here. So lets take a look at some other avenues shall we?

You cannot nice her out of her behavior, as you did not mean her into it. You are not a mind reading clown so you can't blame yourself for her claiming you did not pay attention to her needs, since I gamble that she may have not been so forthcoming about feeling "Neglected". I also am willing to bet you filled the "Nice guy" syndrome to a tee as well. The more nice things you did for her the more demanding she became...Maybe.

Regardless if these fit or are accurate though are in fact irrelevant. To end the debacle, go all in and gamble. File for Divorce and go on the offensive. Why you ask? Well what this will do is make the choice for her, she will either end her affair and commit to the marriage in a productive manner while working to repair the damage she did or she will accept this action and move on. You will no longer be in limbo, and will know exactly how to proceed going forward.

This is a scary scenario, but you must do something and truth be told acting first will dictate a much better ending of either the marriage or affair, on your own terms.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So floating barely you have recieved some really solid advice from the team.

Affaircare has shown you what steps you need to take to make it clear to your wife that you are in control of her mess.

Tell her to leave. You are not "Plan B".

You need to show her that you and the kids will be just fine without her in your lives on a daily basis.

Gus is right. Go see an attorney. File for divorce. Divorces take months to complete. Again you are showing her that as her husband you are willing to end the marriage. That you find it unacceptable to share her with the OM.

She has lied. She has cheated. She is not the woman whom you married.

Let her know this. Let her know you no longer will tolerate her indecisions. And so you have taken the decision away from her.

I will make one other suggestion but do not take it lightly.

If my spouse not only had a one year EA/PA but lied, TT'd and still is carrying on the Affair I would do one other action.


I would expose the affair. If the OM is married or has a GF I would inform his partner.

But if your wife has been fencesitting for 4 months I would also expose the affair to her family/close friends.

I would write a nice letter or email and send it out in one shot.

"Dear Family & friends,

It is with sadness in my heart that I have chosen to file for divorce.

Mrs Floating barely has been in an active emotional/physical affair with another man for over a year.

By her actions I have been left with only choice and that is to end the marriage.

Please support our family as we go through these trying times with your thoughts and prayers.

Respectfully,

Floating Barely"

That is how you kill the affair. You also run the risk of embarrassing her so bad she will want to end the marriage.

But if you really set all emotions aside you will realize she is no longer in the marriage with you.

Keep posting. Be strong.

And stop accepting her nonsense. Be the man she married. 

HM


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've gotten great, consistent advice here and I hope you will find the strength to follow it.

I would just like to add one thought.

When faced with the heartbreak of a cheating spouse who is still offering some hope of keeping the marriage together, we put all of our energy into trying to reel that person back in. It becomes a daily drama that is draining of all our energy, emotional and physical. It's like we're fighting a desperate battle and we can't see anything but the action on the battlefield.

Sometimes we 'win' the battle and the WS decides to give up the affair and try to reconcile. 

It's at this point that the reality of what the future holds begins to set in. That reality is very often not something that a BS would want for him/herself.

So, please try to see that the wife that you think you love so much right now, the wife that you are prostrating yourself for, is a person who could do this to you. She is a person who can lie, cheat, and not care about your feelings. You may think that your love outweighs all of that now, but I seriously doubt that it will when the dust settles.

Best of luck to you, whatever happens.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you're on the marriage builders site, stop. The approach on the forum (which doesn't follow the book btw), is to do exactly what you're doing. Blame yourself, work hard to prove you're better than the affair partner, and be nice to the cheater. It doesn't work.

As has been said, you have to be willing to end the marriage before you can save it.

You have to be willing to end the marriage before you can save it.

The best way to do this is to file for divorce asap. Tell her you would prefer to have a loving monogamous marriage with her, but she is making that impossible. Put it on her to do the work to prove to you she is worthy of you.

Get yourself tested for std's immediately. Talk to an atty immediately. Don't have sex with her until you've talked to your atty to find out how it might impact divorce where you live.

Don't do anything rash until you've spoken with an attorney. Don't kick her out, don't leave yourself. Don't move money from the family account. Don't make any agreements with her. Don't tell her you are going to the atty, and don't tell her you are going to file for divorce. After you've spoken with your atty and gotten advice on those things then you can proceed.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Floatingbarley as a former POS WH I can tell you this

You are making it very easy for your wife to continue her duel life

I bet the farm that she is continuing her affair

The damage continues 

Listen please to Affaircare HM64 Gus and all the rest

Expose take control and yes "Be the man your wife married"

You call all the shots from this point on .One way or the other this will help you and your family heal faster to move on with or without her

Take control now

Make her respect you by your actions as a man and husband 

55


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## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

I was in your exact same boat for few months and did exactly what you are doing before I came across TAM. With the 180 and filing of papers I have shown her that I am ready to move on without her and I am in a much better emotional state (hopefully this state will last) even if I have to move forward with the decision. She has slowly turned around and now she wants R willing to do everything including poly test, open up access to all her accounts and do whatever it takes to save the marriage. I am now in the driver seat and might still choose to end this because I can't get over the mental images. Kids have shown that they are resilient (that was my biggest worry) and we even had a great spring break vacation without my WW for the first time. Good luck with your journey. We are here for you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I've got news for you dawg, when she tells that same thing to her boyfriend about you, she's telling the truth. In case your still wondering why there is no sex and affection is because she's saving it for the guy she really cares about and wants to be with.


At this point, if she does offer you sex, turn it down. Most likely, she would or at least think that she's pregnant by the other guy but will want to pass it off as yours.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The problem you have is that wives that bang other men blame it on their husbands. In other words, since you did not stop them you deserve no love or respect. In her mind what you are doing is equal to you catching them in bed together and not doing anything about it. She sees you as to weak to be her mate. She doesn't see you as competent to be a leader of a family.

You know what you need to do. You have to be strong, smart, compassionate, kind and brave. Brave enough to dump a lying cheat and kick her out............for her and you and your kids sake.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

GaaaaH! Some people make me want to shake them!!!

Emote walks off grumbling.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Like many have said, you're getting excellent advice. Here's the thing. As the thread evolves, the advise tends to go from the general (a "R" cannot occur if the WS is spouse is still in contact with the lover) to the specific (if she contacts him one more time, stop dragging your feet and file for divorce). I'm going to the bottom line.

The reason you're in this mess four months out is because you allowed and even encouraged her to treat you like her puppet and her serf rather than a man she can respect. If you knew women, you'd know they are not only turned off by a needy, groveling man who thinks the only way they can hold her love is to always please her, but disdain them. These guys are shocked and dismayed when she throws them out like a used rubber when she finds someone else. Accordingly if you understood them, you'd be doing the opposite of what you've been doing. 
I suspect this type behavior over the past 11 years caused her to slowly loose romantic interest and respect for you. Sure she agrees the marriage wasn't bad. Neither is a gold fish a bad pet, but its just not that exciting. To explain it a little better, relative to a relationship, a person grieves over losing a German Sheppard or even a bird. They flush dead goldfish down the commode. 

It all boils down to this dawg. You need to put on you bastard hat and give her a dose of reality. If she really wanted to be with you and the marriage was what she wanted she would have no difficulty getting on board with saving it. Her ambivalence speaks volumes and besides her actions don't lie even though her lips might. I said earlier is likely too late to save what's left and recapture any of what you thought you had. Who know; maybe a display of the silver back gorilla left in you may turn her. But at least you'll go out with some pride left and not have everybody you know and their cousin, figuring you're incapable of dealing with a wife who is displays her disloyal in your face.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*One thing that always works for the betterment of the BS. That one thing is for you to get stronger in body, mind, and spirit!*

If your wife is worth saving then she will respond to you when she sees that you are not going to be giving the signal of “Pick me” Pick Me” but that you are a man and not a door mat.
You need to get into a position that you can live with her or without her. That does not mean that you are apathetic about her it just means that if she continues to stay in her low –integrity state that she is not going to destroy you or ruin your life.* You cannot afford to have your emotional health in her hands; she has shown you that she is not loyal to you and you are not her number one or two priority.*

Do not let the fact that you did some things wrong in the past allow you to compromise. You are correcting those actions and you are where you are. Now is the time for her to see that you are not going to allow your past mistakes to give her a pass on her horrible selfishness and weak character.

*Good women respond favorably to a strong man!*


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay one thing I want to address is that you're likely thinking something like: "But I don't want to divorce." 

When people here suggest that you file for divorce, we aren't suggesting that you just instantly decide, "Okay, I'm ready to divorce now and you are out." Nope! 

What we ARE suggesting is that you take the time inform yourself about the divorce laws in your state. We are suggesting that you obtain the forms required to file. We are suggesting that you begin to look at child support calculators and see how the property might actually be divided. And we are suggesting that as you face the reality of what YOUR indecision may cost you, that it light a fire in your soul to work HARD and be brave enough to do what you have to give your family the best chance for surviving. 

We are also suggesting that you create a new dynamic in your marriage relationship. The dynamic is one where you value yourself and you let your partner know that being together is a choice both of you make every single day and that if she was not there, you would be absolutely fine. See it's not about trying to fake it or trick her--it's about showing her that you would rather not but you could make it without her. And that if she wants to be with YOU that she has to choose to be FAITHFUL....that's your line in the sand. "A person with me MUST be faithful. Period." And she's completely free to make her own choices, but YOUR limit is this: "My partner MUST be faithful." 

Finally, filing for divorce does not mean that you ARE divorcing or even necessarily want to divorce. Divorce is a process that takes months, if not years, so all during that time she may very well begin to realize that she would NOT get the home, the kids, and all the child support to keep this lifestyle. A big old whack of reality would hit her in the head when she began to see the damage of the process...and right about then she might reconsider. 

So give your marriage the BEST POSSIBILITY of a real reconciliation...stop trying to "nice" her, pack 3 big suitcases, and call her father or her family TODAY. Show her the door if that's how she's going to act.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for divorce. It will most likely knock her one way or the other, but she'll be off the fence. You have to get out of this limbo you're in. It will destroy your soul. 

Do the 180 system....hard.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

Thank you guys for all the advice. I've known I have to draw the line in the sand, and have been reluctant to do so. Now with this advice I will. Cause I really don't have anything to lose, because I cannot continue to live like this.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I agree with Affaircare, you can't fix this with niceness and you have to have respect for yourself, even if she does not at this time. Therefore I recommend the following:

1. Consult with an attorney and find out your legal status.
2. Open a new bank account to safeguard funds if necessary.
3. Develop a plan for divorce, child care, support, visitation. It may seem defeatist, but actually allows you to think about this with less emotion.
4. Sit down and have serious conversation with wife that she has to either commit to moving forward with you or without you. 

I know you love her and want to make it work, but you can't do that with three of you in this relationship. She has to make a commitment, 4 months is plenty of time. This includes a letter of no contact with OM, access to all media and devices, counseling to start the work necessary to get this back online. If she refuses, then there is your answer. The great regret I have is that I let this phase go on way too long, it was hurtful and non-productive.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

floatingbarely said:


> Thank you guys for all the advice. I've known I have to draw the line in the sand, and have been reluctant to do so. Now with this advice I will. Cause I really don't have anything to lose, because I cannot continue to live like this.


Thanks for listening. Let us know how this works out.

And please share...a lot of folks come here with the exact same issue.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

come on fb, respect yourself!


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

I meant I've made progress because I've found real issues I've needed to change. Because if im ever going to be in another relationship I can't continue being the person I have been. I've never been abusive or anything like that but I've never been a good communicator and I'm working on that. Plus I was diagnosed with severe adult add. Was medicated for it when I was young but I stopped taking meds in middle school. Since getting on the correct medication I feel so much better. Whitening out with a trainer has helped with stress relief.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

OK. What you have is a fence straddler and while she sits on the fence making a complete fool out of you and taking away your pride and dignity your letting her. Time to take the fence down and not by one piece of wood at a time but with a real heavy hammer and no warning and when she falls don't stop her fall, let her hit the ground wondering what the hell just happened and when she looks up she sees you standing there.

In other words you sit her down and let her know that if she can't make her mind up then you'll do it for her. Tell her to pack up and go with the other guy and give her a time limit to vacate. 

Then you get your own bank accounts and remove her name from the credit cards to yours and get new ones. Then go hire a lawyer and let him know that you want custody of the kids and have her served with the papers. If she works, have her served at work so everyone can see it. Then you let both sides of the family know what she's done because I promise you she'll twist it around an d make you the blame and she can because reading your post, it seems to me that your heaping it on yourself and got news for you. Her affair. She owns it and she takes responsibility for it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She can make a decision and she has. She has you for financial support and she has him for romantic, sexual, emotional, support. She chooses to keep both. Why not? There is no down-side to her fence sitting.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

I understand it wasn't my fault. She made the decision to cross from friends to full blown affair with this guy, I have met him a couple times pre affair and once during. I come from a family of no affairs. Hers is riddled with them. Our Kids are 10 and 7 its gonna crush them. They are very attached to her and to make it harder she works rotating shifts as nurse at the hospital. Her time is limited with them now. Not sure how she's gonna survive as a single mother. She doesn't make enough to support them and bills. I'm keeping the house. There's no chance of her getting that. But it's so hard because I didn't want to see my kids go through this. My parents separated when I was young and it really hurt me. It has been rough for them moving around as much as we have the past 10 years. Plus im the type that thinks everything through before making definite decision. Not to mention going through Christmas, new years, and our anniversary in the last 3 months. It's been a rollercoaster. But I know it's time to come to a head. Just unsure about delivery of it. Want to make sure I DO it calmly and firm.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Originally Posted by BetrayedH 


"Some people do use the 180 as a strategy to try to make themselves more attractive to the wayward spouse, to lure them back.

Most people will tell you, though, that the 180 is really for you. It is not a game. The idea is to actually begin to detach and live your life for you, not for her. She has chosen an affair and you have chosen to move on. 

So you need to demonstrate that with actions. You no longer hang on her every word. In fact, you don't care about her words because you are worried about yourself. You don't beg or plead, you don't make expressions of love, or talk about fixing the marriage. 

You don't really talk about hate either. The opposite of love is not hate. Hate implies that you still care and that she has power over you. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. 

You need to respect yourself. And the way you do that is by not accepting unacceptable behavior. The 180 gives you an appropriate response. You turn your back on that unacceptable behavior and you focus on yourself.

It is true that sometimes doing the 180 and filing for divorce is sometimes a show of strength to the wayward spouse that is very attractive. Personally, I suggest you just use it to help you to respect yourself. 

Many betrayed spouses are just so shocked and devastated that they sit and cry, and beg and plead. That is very damaging to an already damaged ego. And it's wrong because it puts the wayward in a position of power when they've been holding the cards long enough. So, do a 180 of that."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remember one thing. YOU have all the power in this situation. Get your legal ducks in a row, ask your lawyer if her cheating can affect anything and if it can, give him all your evidence. We can help with the rest.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Like many have said, you're getting excellent advice. Here's the thing. As the thread evolves, the advise tends to go from the general (a "R" cannot occur if the WS is spouse is still in contact with the lover) to the specific (if she contacts him one more time, stop dragging your feet and file for divorce). I'm going to the bottom line.
> 
> The reason you're in this mess four months out is because you allowed and even encouraged her to treat you like her puppet and her serf rather than a man she can respect. If you knew women, you'd know they are not only turned off by a needy, groveling man who thinks the only way they can hold her love is to always please her, but disdain them. These guys are shocked and dismayed when she throws them out like a used rubber when she finds someone else. Accordingly if you understood them, you'd be doing the opposite of what you've been doing.
> I suspect this type behavior over the past 11 years caused her to slowly loose romantic interest and respect for you. Sure she agrees the marriage wasn't bad. Neither is a gold fish a bad pet, but its just not that exciting. To explain it a little better, relative to a relationship, a person grieves over losing a German Sheppard or even a bird. They flush dead goldfish down the commode.
> ...


:iagree:


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

*Just Let Her Go*


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See a divorce attorney. She is sitting on the fence because you are Plan B. I believe that the Other Man is not committed to her; hence, she's keeping you as a safety net. Respect yourself and take your wife down from the pedestal. She belongs on the floor. See her for what she is: "a cheater". She has betrayed you.

You deserve a better life. End your pain.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Float/OP, another thing you could try is "*exposure*" it can help kill the affair, it did in my case.

how much exposure sometimes depends. Try and keep the kids out of it
you parents
her parents
OM's wife/girlfriend
some of you and her close friends

who is OM?
does she work with him? sorry if you already mention this but I did no see it.
is he married?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Another cheating nurse. It's either that or teachers and SAHMs. Those are the professions that have the highest cheater rate for women, for men its doctors, cops, & lawyers.

I'm glad I convinced the fWW many years ago to just stick with her BS Management degree, because she wanted to go into nursing at the time. I personally don't know any nurses that are cheating, but it really pops up on here all the time.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

See an attorney, and have her served in the most public of places. Her job. Why are you waiting so long?


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

He's single. No girl friend that I know of. 

I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over? Or do I say if your unwilling to end it you need to move out asap because you've had almost 4 months to make your decision. I've exposed to most all of my family. Haven't exposed to all of our close friends. I like the email suggestion someone else spoke of.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

there is high infidelity in the nursing field, Mayhem. The staggering part is the high infidelity with SAHM. They are trusted to be loyal while the guy works all day and take that trust for granted and play games while the guy is at work.

Among cops, it's there. But cops are a funny breed. You have some who are serial cheats and you have some who are so disciplined and loyal, they would rather die than cheat. Not too much grey there. Male Doctors are pretty bad too.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> See a divorce attorney. She is sitting on the fence because you are Plan B. I believe that the Other Man is not committed to her; hence, she's keeping you as a safety net. Respect yourself and take your wife down from the pedestal. She belongs on the floor. See her for what she is: "a cheater". She has betrayed you.
> 
> You deserve a better life. End your pain.


I'm sure since he's single he's not interested in the life off rasing kids. Especially since they aren't his.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> there is high infidelity in the nursing field, Mayhem. The staggering part is the high infidelity with SAHM. They are trusted to be loyal while the guy works all day and take that trust for granted and play games while the guy is at work.
> 
> Among cops, it's there. But cops are a funny breed. You have some who are serial cheats and you have some who are so disciplined and loyal, they would rather die than cheat. Not too much grey there. *Male Doctors are pretty bad too*.


*They certainly are! And at the same time, they can write and dole out prescriptions for antibiotics and dosepacks, not to even mention using those "comped" pharmaceutical samples, for both themselves as well as their affair partners!

Now that's a real perk!*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Once you find the inner strength to reject your cheating wife, you will discover what she is made of.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Send the email floating.

Then when your wife comes at you like the fogged over woman she is hand her her suitcases filled with her clothes and walk her to the door.

Then tell her you would like to have a conversation with the OM to discuss the schedule to share the kids.

That will really freak her out.

I have one good friend who actually confronted the OM without his wifes knowledge.

He handed the OM her clothes in black hefty trash bags.

He then pointed out to the OM his two young daughters 3 & 5 in the car. He asked the OM if he was ready to be a Dad?

The OM did an about face and walked back into his apartment.

He called my buddy's wife and ditched her.

When his wife came home that day blaming him for all her problems he said to her "Let me add one more".

He handed her the divorce papers.

He has since remarried, added a few new kids to the mix and is pretty happy. His Ex is an even bigger mess today.

Be proactive and show some tough love.

HM


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read No More Mr Nice Guy before you do anything. It will make everything clear.

Why haven't you exposed to HER family?


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Please listen to everyone. I just filed two weeks ago and everything I was told my wife would try was followed to a tee. She gave me a false R for 4 months, but in the last two weeks, people I work with have notice a change in my happiness and that I smile more. Yes it sucks, but once your take control of your future, life is so much better. I have already put plans in place for a safe and happy future for myself and daughter. You just have to let go and have faith.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> He's single. No girl friend that I know of.
> 
> I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over? Or do I say if your unwilling to end it you need to move out asap because you've had almost 4 months to make your decision. I've exposed to most all of my family. Haven't exposed to all of our close friends. I like the email suggestion someone else spoke of.


Doing the same expecting diffrent outcome is what you are trying to do. Sorry but it just wont work.

As you can read at TAM, the only thing that can slap a cheater to reality is get nuk.

Get her serve, at this poit you heve nothign to looose anyway, do you. Remeber that D is a porces that you can stop anytime.

Read this from other thread:

_Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._

Get control of your life and move on.

Good luck


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Floating unless you don't get along with her family I would also let them know so at least the truth is out and you are not portrayed as puppy killing monster.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

OP, you’re a nice guy and are attractive because you provide stability and security. The OM is attractive because he provides naughty excitement. Your wife has been having the time of her life enjoying the benefits of you and the OM. 

Of course she wants to prolong this ideal situation for as long as possible. She will say and do whatever it takes. In a way being a nice guy backfired on you. At some level she knew you would take her back so she really wasn’t risking anything. 

You’re just boring, stable and she can always count on you. When the OM dumps her she will realize that those qualities aren’t so bad after all and she will come back to you. Even if you want her don’t take her back too easily. If you do she’ll never respect you.


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## WhereAreTheGoodTimes (Sep 19, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> He's single. No girl friend that I know of.
> 
> I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over? Or do I say if your unwilling to end it you need to move out asap because you've had almost 4 months to make your decision. I've exposed to most all of my family. Haven't exposed to all of our close friends. I like the email suggestion someone else spoke of.



Having gone through this six months ago I can tell you need shock and awe in this. I gave my wife about 30 days and she was still in contact so I gave her an ultimatum. But you have to be strong and willing to give up the marriage. You calmly tell her that you are not able to live like you are living. Tell her you are filing for divorce tomorrow if she does not call the OM in your presence and forcefully tell him to never contact her again. Also tell her that any contact from that day forward will result in you filing for divorce. If she is not willing to agree to that then tell her you will allow her 30 minutes to pack her bags, say goodbye to the kids and leave the house. Tell her you will be contacting ALL her family and friends to let them know about the affair. I said all that to my WW six months ago and she really came to her senses, broke it off for good and is doing everything in her power to get me back. You cannot take the "nice guy" route and resolve this. Be firm, be calm, look out for yourself first.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Accept that:

1) Your wife does not love you anymore. Nobody who loves someone would stab them in the back then continue to twist the knife for months afterward. Nobody.... Honestly, she thinks you are pathetic and you're lucky to have her.

2) You are plan B. Your wife truly believes if the affair ends you will be right there to take her back. If the affair works out then she exits the relationship from you. For her this is WIN/WIN, for you, you're the fool either way. Why would she not do it, if there is NO down side?

3) Want to know why affairs are so addictive? Because she GETS OFF on sneaking around on you. It's what makes them so "exciting" and "naughty". OM also gets off on banging YOUR wife in any dirty manner she will allow and trust me she LOVES it dirty. Making a mockery of you is a tremendous ego boost for them. 

4) You are in the fog not her. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. You have ALL the power to pull the rug out from under her but lack the will. At best, you have serious codependency and self-respect issues. At worst, you're a masochist. So which is it?


You can stop carrying this burden ANYTIME you want. Just walk away. It's THAT simple. All that love you are WASTING on her, redirect it at your kids. They are going to need it a lot more when they eventually find out mommy is a home wrecker. The faster you start the process of moving on, the faster you will find a woman who will gladly accept your love. Trust me, loyal women are out there in droves. She'll find out quickly so are scumbag guys.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Why you let her decide the outcome of it ? 

I ask because you seem to believe if she stops her affairs and come back to you, you will get back your old marriage and your wife. 

I'm sorry, but it will never happen, never. 

Your previous relationship ended the day you find out, now you have a new relationship with her. 
She is not the woman you married, she is another woman, she looks like her, she speaks like her, she smells like her, she acts like her but she is not her. Read this : http://i.imgur.com/nNuXAN1.jpg

Until you accept you are married to a stranger, and your previous relationship with her is gone, burried, you can't move on.

That's why I ask you this question. 

Now I have another question : you say you worked on yourself this last months, but you did it for who ? 

If it's for her, it's totally useless, the only way to make permanent change it's for you. Then it can be a better father, a better partner, a better you, but it must be for YOU.

And seriously, got No More Mr Nice Guy. It will help you to find out what you really want. In the book, the author says the book will either stronger your relationship, or end it. 
Your parents separated, and it hurted you. It's one of the traits of a nice guy.

And if you fear for your children, read this : Is Divorce Bad for Children? - Scientific American 
If you are a good coparent, they will be fine, and I'm sure you can. 
Then whatever happens between your wife and your children, will be her fault, except if you turn them against her, of course. 
She decided to have an affair. Let her be an adult, and let her face the consequences of her choice. 
You are not in charge of her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do not tell your WW you are filing for divorce. 

If you do, she will put on the crying show, wail and beg you not to file. Then once you back down (which you will) she will smile to herself thinking "Heh...he's putty in my hands." And then she will go back to her affair without missing a beat. 

You have already demonstrated you are weak with her and indecisive...which are the main reasons she has no respect for you. Women do not respect indecisive men. 

Gather all your financial balances, and take an afternoon off and go see a lawyer. Start the process. Then have her served. Don't tell her you are doing anything. Let it be a shock and surprise. 

Until she is served, implement the 180.

P.S. Do not move out of your home. That house is as much yours as it is hers. She cheated, she moves out.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Do not tell your WW you are filing for divorce.
> 
> If you do, she will put on the crying show, wail and beg you not to file. Then once you back down (which you will) she will smile to herself thinking "Heh...he's putty in my hands." And then she will go back to her affair without missing a beat.
> 
> ...


Totally agree.

Stop talking, start acting.

I believe you already asked\told her enough for her to understand the pain she caused you and the chances you have given to her. She already made an informed desicion and it was not you.

Do 180 and get her serve.

Ask your self why would she change her behavior if she havent faces any cobsequence, in fact all that she has goten from you is support for her to do what she want.

She is taking you for granted and until now you have prooved to her this each time. Why would she choose you if she already has you no matter what she does or who she ****s.

I hope you wake up, man up, and get rid of her ASAP.

Good luck.


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

How did you find out about your wife's affair ? Did you have a gut feeling for a period of time ? What did she say when you confronted her ?

You say she is besotted with him or something to that effect. What makes you think this ? And why would you think that she has stopped having sex with him ?

If you think about the answers to my questions above and if you are honest with yourself, you will see very clearly what you need to do.

And staying together just for the kids may be a consideration but often they are more damaged by a dysfunctional marriage.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

floatingbarely said:


> He's single. No girl friend that I know of.
> 
> I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over? Or do I say if your unwilling to end it you need to move out asap because you've had almost 4 months to make your decision. I've exposed to most all of my family. Haven't exposed to all of our close friends. I like the email suggestion someone else spoke of.


 Look. Maybe you don't understand this but your wife has had her foot on your throat trying to make her mind up and when someone does that, it should tell you that their only thinking of themselves and no one else including you so if your thinking about playing fair then you lose.

If it's me, it wouldn't have gone on four months or four minuets. Cheating is a deal breaker for me and in your case you have a another whammy. She can't make her mind up so you can see she doesn't care about your feelings. You let her know that her behavior, selfishness and piss poor attitude has run it's course and tell her to pack up and go with the OM now. Let her know that she's isn't welcome in the house and if she wants to blame someone then tell her to look in the mirror and do it in a way that she knows that your at the end of your rope. Let her know that the kids stay with you and your filing for custody and support. 

You have to start playing dirty because she's been playing that way since it began and she's making your life miserable. let her know that she doesn't have to choose any longer because you took that option off the table for her.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

floatingbarely said:


> He's single. No girl friend that I know of.
> 
> I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over? Or do I say if your unwilling to end it you need to move out asap because you've had almost 4 months to make your decision. I've exposed to most all of my family. Haven't exposed to all of our close friends. I like the email suggestion someone else spoke of.


I would up it a bit for maximum impact: no ultimatums - just tell her goodbye and show her that you are determined.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

floatingbarely said:


> I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over? Or do I say if your unwilling to end it you need to move out asap because you've had almost 4 months to make your decision.


I think an ultimatum is the wrong approach. It would put all the power in her court.

Rather, you should state a boundary. "I will not remain in a marriage with someone who is cheating". She still has a decision to make, but the power balance is completely reversed.

Filing for divorce is the ultimate expression of the boundary.

A second boundary is "I will not remain in a relationship where my partner is not enthusiastic about being with me".


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

"The 180"


So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Change the locks and take her stuff over to the OM's house.

I do agree to expose far and wife.

Start the 180 and start respecting yourself and see your attorney.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> floatingbarely,
> 
> If I asked you tonight "Which do you want? To have all your time free with no responsibilities and be homeless... or to have to work and have home, work and personal responsibilities, but also have a wife and kids and a warm home?" ... how long would it take you to answer me?
> 
> ...


AC,

You go Girl!

7pm, Aug 5, 2009... I saw the Big Ol' Frypan of Reality in action. 

QFT.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

this is easy.....you make the decision for her


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Augusto said:


> this is easy.....you make the decision for her


YUP It's really in your control

Take it.

55


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

musk-rat said:


> but in the last two weeks, people I work with have notice a change in my happiness and that I smile more.


Here's the key. If they make you miserable and paranoid more than they make you happy, no matter how much you think you love them, its time to get rid of them.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

floatingbarely said:


> I wondering once I give the ultimatum, to either end it or move out, do I give her a day or two to think it over?


As others have said, no ultimatum and no grace period. Tell her you've had the course and its over, she is free to pursue a more permanent thing with the other man, and you don't hate her or even dislike like her. Youre just disappoint that she has turned into something she promised she'd never be and you can no longer live with her. If she returns with her hat in her hand, consider what you want to do. Ain't no quid pro quo or 50/50 bullshid on this. Its your way or the highway. If she doesn't retuns and takes up with the other guy or someone else, you ain't lost a damn thing that hasn't been gone for awhile. Make no mistake about it. If you ain't pure hard line, your f-cking up.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> As others have said, no ultimatum and no grace period. Tell her you've had the course and its over, she is free to pursue a more permanent thing with the other man, and *you don't hate her or even dislike like her*. *Youre just disappoint that she has turned into something she promised she'd never be and you can no longer live with her.* If she returns with her hat in her hand, consider what you want to do. Ain't no quid pro quo or 50/50 bullshid on this. Its your way or the highway. If she doesn't retuns and takes up with the other guy or someone else, you ain't lost a damn thing that hasn't been gone for awhile. Make no mistake about it. If you ain't pure hard line, your f-cking up.


Perfect!


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

Shock and awe in effect. We will see how this plays out


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

floatingbarely said:


> Shock and awe in effect. We will see how this plays out


Know this, either way you will be ok.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Augusto said:


> this is easy.....you make the decision for her


:iagree:

I really can't imagine any BS that is hanging around, waiting for their WS to decide between them and the OM/OW. Seriously. 

You can't decide? I'll make it for you. GTFO!

I told my fWW after I found out that if she EVER, and I mean EVER has some feelings to be with the OM, that I WILL take the next mortgage payment and fly her to the OM and to never ever come back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

More details, please.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> As others have said, no ultimatum and no grace period. Tell her you've had the course and its over, she is free to pursue a more permanent thing with the other man, and you don't hate her or even dislike like her. Youre just disappoint that she has turned into something she promised she'd never be and you can no longer live with her. If she returns with her hat in her hand, consider what you want to do. Ain't no quid pro quo or 50/50 bullshid on this. Its your way or the highway. If she doesn't retuns and takes up with the other guy or someone else, you ain't lost a damn thing that hasn't been gone for awhile. Make no mistake about it. If you ain't pure hard line, your f-cking up.


This has confidence written all over it...and chucks dig confident guys.

As long as the other man in still in the picture what is there to negotiate?

She ain't going to like it but that's the point! Making this affair as inonveinent and as uncomfortable to continue.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> This has confidence written all over it...and chucks dig confident guys.
> 
> As long as the other man in still in the picture what is there to negotiate?
> 
> She ain't going to like it but that's the point! Making this affair as inonveinent and as uncomfortable to continue.


chucks dig guys???:lol:
I know you meant chicks and you are right.

As a peace offering 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CPz7pkYcgg


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm tired...thanks for the back up Tom.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Floating be firm but no yelling if she gets violent leave.
Act like you don't give a sh!t one way or another.
Maybe she will snap out of it but only if you are strong.
Simple and to the point, if you don't respect yourself who will?
Think about it.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> I'm tired...thanks for the back up Tom.


Forget it bro get some rest.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

floatingbarely said:


> Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


Just tell her you will help her pack you can't kick her out legally but you can make it to where she won't want to stay.
You have done well considering.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

floatingbarely said:


> Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


Good job and now ask her to leave. File D.

You need to work on you and find out why you allowed this to happen to you for four months.

The key is to fix you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh and please record this with your phone if you don't have a voice activated recorder on you to protect yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Good job and now ask her to leave. File D.
> 
> You need to work on you and find out why you allowed this to happen to you for four months.
> 
> The key is to fix you.


Two books

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Ni...427165987&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
Oh I lied 3

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-N...427166094&sr=1-1&keywords=codependent+no+more


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


:allhail:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

floatingbarely said:


> Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


Keep in mind that you have no legal right to kick her out. The house is her legal residence too. If you refuses to leave there is nothing you can do at this time.. except file for divorce and let the divorce play out. Until there is a court order saying who moves out, neither of you can make the other move out.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

It's owned by my side of the family...ha she ain't getting it, she knows that


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

floatingbarely said:


> It's owned by my side of the family...ha she ain't getting it, she knows that


That does not change the fact that you cannot kick her out right now. It is the marital home and it's her legal residence every bit as it is yours.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Are you renting from a family member? If so, who is in the lease agreement? If you can re-negotiate your terms of agreement as to who is allowed in the rental premises, you can exclude her in the contract. Also, tell all the family members what she had done. Tell her that all your family members know of her affair. This will make her uncomfortable in your residence. It will motivate her to move out.

She is cursing you. You do not curse the one you love. She does not respect nor love you. It's time for you to see a divorce lawyer to protect your assets.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Exposure is a good option if weather she wants to move or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Just tell her you will help her pack you can't kick her out legally but you can make it to where she won't want to stay.
> You have done well considering.


The thing is she doesn't know that and there is no need to inform her of that. He can change the locks and all, and really doesn't have to let her back in unless a judge orders him to.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

floatingbarely said:


> It's owned by my side of the family...ha she ain't getting it, she knows that


If your family owns it and she won't get out, then your family can go through the eviction process and have her evicted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> The thing is she doesn't know that and there is no need to inform her of that. He can change the locks and all, and really doesn't have to let her back in unless a judge orders him to.


I've seen this played out where the one kicked out calls the police, who then remove the other party from the house and issue a restraining order. The idea is that one spouse locking the other one out of their legal residence is considered abusive.

The OP needs to check with a lawyer where he lives on what his rights are in this case. Listening to people on the internet giving advice that might get him in some hot water is not good.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


What you have to remember is that before you said this, you were actually ASSISTING her to build a new life. You were assisting her financially, with shelter, food and support while she was actively BUILDING a new life with another man. This is what you need to keep reminding yourself. This is what will allow you to look after yourself, stop helping her, detach and make some sense of the situation in your time of pain.

I still really battle with how people can be so selfish. Especially people that we had such an amazing life with and that we love dearly. I just can't even begin to fathom it. It makes me sad.

I just had my best mate find out his wife has been cheating for 2 years and she is leaving. Another old flame (same situation as my wife). I know exactly how to help him though which I really value.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I've seen this played out where the one kicked out calls the police, who then remove the other party from the house and issue a restraining order. The idea is that one spouse locking the other one out of their legal residence is considered abusive.
> 
> The OP needs to check with a lawyer where he lives on what his rights are in this case. Listening to people on the internet giving advice that might get him in some hot water is not good.


True. Modern divorce law SUCKs!!!!!

Today's laws pretend to be tough and fair but they just FACILITATE infidelity. For a woman with kids, it's a perfect deal really. I mean really, what is the down side? Upgrade to a new man and get paid more than half to do it. Pisses me off.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> The thing is she doesn't know that and there is no need to inform her of that. He can change the locks and all, and really doesn't have to let her back in unless a judge orders him to.


What is the audience's reaction when a woman throws all a man's sh*t out on the front lawn and locks him out if he cheats.

CHEERING AND "YOU GO GIRL"

Personally I think a cheating man deserves it but it just doesn't work the other way around does it.

Women want an equal society but we don't have equal views on what is OK for men and women. Strange times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

poida said:


> What is the audience's reaction when a woman throws all a man's sh*t out on the front lawn and locks him out if he cheats.
> 
> CHEERING AND "YOU GO GIRL"
> 
> ...


When the audience cheers it's because the man is a cad. If the woman was a cad, they would cheer is he threw you junk in the yard too. But that's a movie... do you understand the difference between a movie and real life?

In real life, either person can kick the other out. 

If I threw all my husband's junk in the front yard and changed the locks he could call the police and it would not go down well for me. And he's smart enough to know this.

A couple of years ago my step-sons' wife tried to lock him out. I had him call the police. They met him at their place. She tried to argue with the police. They told her to shut up, and sit down. Then they told her that it has his house too and until there was a court order for one of them to move out they both had the right to live there.

She was very close to being arrested because of her antics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

poida said:


> True. Modern divorce law SUCKs!!!!!
> 
> Today's laws pretend to be tough and fair but they just FACILITATE infidelity. For a woman with kids, it's a perfect deal really. I mean really, what is the down side? Upgrade to a new man and get paid more than half to do it. Pisses me off.


The law protects be cause they have no clue what sort of nonsense is going on in a household. So until it goes to court and someone settles it they are not going to let anyone kick their spouse out. 

Geez


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

There is "community property" in some states so get informed.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> Told her either to end it with him or get out.cause there is no chance of repairing it without doing so, she is breaking down yelling and cussing at me. I remained calm and reminded her that if our marriage problems were that bad for me I would have spoken up and said something. She never has. So if it was that bad and after four months you can't end it with him.then I know your decision so gtfo


Floatingbarely, 

You have done the right thing, now what’s the next move.

I believe she thinks you are bluffing so, start acting.


Kick her out of your house; she maybe can stay at a friend’s house or relative’s house. Take her keys and give her a deadline to get her stuff out of your house, please don’t give her a month, after that your will throw it away. Stop talking to her and go dark.

Get legal advice ASAP

If she decided to stay with you I believe you need to do the next:


Ask yourself if you can stay married to your wife after all she has done, especially after how she has acted after Dday, all the time she played you, using you to have a home while is still in contact to OM, etc, Most important, if she is staying for the wrong reasons, not because she loves you but the stability you provide. If you cannot stay married to her after all then get D as soon as possible and avoid the next steps.

Kill the affair for good, how to do it? Expose bug time to OM wife or GF, if he doesn’t have one then to his entire family. Her relatives, the closest ones, your parents, close friends (not the toxic ones who incentive her to have/Keep the ffair)

Give her a list of all the things she needs to start doing from now on, like: Full transparency, if OM is a coworker, she needs to quit right away. No contact is a must. Let you know all the time where she is. Answer your questions with the truth (explain to her that lying or minimizing to spare you the pain is a deal breaker as when you discover the lie you will feel like a new Dday), etc. there a lot of literature.

*The worst thing you can do is do nothing and wait for her to understand that you love her*, sorry but this is not going to happen.

If you decide that you want out, file ASAP, you really need her to be in the fog to avoid all the drama when reality hits her.

Notice that even if you decide to D is a good idea to expose to OM wife as she has the right to know.

Good luck


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Ele's right. Evicting a person from their residence is a legal matter under state law and has nothing to do with divorce per se. If they are "renting" from the family, the property owner(s) can terminate the rental agreement in accordance with state law. Bottom line if he wants her removed against her will, it becomes a matter for the courts. Of course there are ways to encourage her to leave. 

At this point he needs to file for divorce if nothing more to show he means business and put the onus on her. At this point if he blinks he loses.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Hey Floatingbarely, did you implemented the 180list ?


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

I've been working the 180. It hasn't gotten through to her yet


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

floatingbarely said:


> I've been working the 180. It hasn't gotten through to her yet


Start planning assuming it's just you and the kids in the near future if she comes along for the ride fine if not you will be in a better place.
Again two books
"No More Mr Nice Guy"
"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"
it's a start


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Stay at it. It still has not gotten thorugh MSTBX wife yet, but I am in a better place becuse of it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Doesn't matter if she 'gets' the 180; you're busy ignoring her. What is her stance regarding OM?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

She can't let go of him? You let go of her.

You have a choice. Live like this as you are now or start living for yourself because she sure doesn't give a rats behind about you...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Ele's right. Evicting a person from their residence is a legal matter under state law and has nothing to do with divorce per se. If they are "renting" from the family, the property owner(s) can terminate the rental agreement in accordance with state law. Bottom line if he wants her removed against her will, it becomes a matter for the courts. Of course there are ways to encourage her to leave.
> 
> At this point he needs to file for divorce if nothing more to show he means business and put the onus on her. At this point if he blinks he loses.


Since the FB's family owns his home, I suspect that there isn't a formal lease and that they are essentially what the law would consider "month-to-month" tenants. FB can play hardball and have his family issue an eviction order with 30 days notice or whatever notice their state law requires and force the issue. 

If they are "evicted" then there is no marital home any more.

Of course he may have to technically "move out" too. Nothing to prevent him from signing a lease and moving back to the house with just the kids at some later date or after a short stay someplace else.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> I've been working the 180. It hasn't gotten through to her yet



It is meant for you. It helps you detach to help remove emotions to make a logical decision, and to start creating a new life for yourself. It makes her a less of a factor in that new life, thus removing that attachment and the power it has to affect you. She will be a part of your life because of the children, but she will be insignificant in which path you want to choose in life. Perhaps you want to travel somewhere but she was never interested,she will no longer be a factor in that decision you make.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Floating, it sounds as though, since she can't (or WON'T) end it with the other guy, you're going to have to make the decision here. You gonna put up with her crap, or are you going to file and tell her to go on over to the om and just end the charade? She's been playing you all along. She really needs to go.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Tron said:


> Since the FB's family owns his home, I suspect that there isn't a formal lease and that they are essentially what the law would consider "month-to-month" tenants.


What about it Floating? Formal lease or no?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I know this sounds harsh and I'm usually pro R but she's had 4 months to make a decision and she has, the decision is live with you and have him as a lover plain and simple, well done in making another choice for her, when is the date for her to move in with him or beg for your mercy and forgiveness providing you are willing too? you can't not follow through as now she is seeing if you are bluffing then closely followed by her rage when the penny drops you are not going to follow their/her script, another poster said don't give her a month to move the poster is right tell her again today she has until Friday to go as you've waited long enough and by her not choosing she has actually chosen him over you,


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> I've been working the 180. It hasn't gotten through to her yet


It is not for her, it is for you to detach.
Most of the times when BS starts detaching WS starts realizing what is loosing, that has taken BS for grated and change his mind. Dont count on it.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> Tron said:
> 
> 
> > Since the FB's family owns his home, I suspect that there isn't a formal lease and that they are essentially what the law would consider "month-to-month" tenants.
> ...





D.H Mosquito said:


> I know this sounds harsh and I'm usually pro R but she's had 4 months to make a decision and she has, the decision is live with you and have him as a lover plain and simple, well done in making another choice for her, when is the date for her to move in with him or beg for your mercy and forgiveness providing you are willing too? you can't not follow through as now she is seeing if you are bluffing then closely followed by her rage when the penny drops you are not going to follow their/her script, another poster said don't give her a month to move the poster is right tell her again today she has until Friday to go as you've waited long enough and by her not choosing she has actually chosen him over you,


I gave her till the weekend. No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

No, you have not been working the 180. You have been working the "are you looking at me while I pretend that I'm not bothered" dance.

Be thankful that she has not ACTED LIKE she has come around. You would be back where you started. Work the 180 for YOU. You have to get your mind around your worth. You don't realize your own worth right now and it is hard because her actions are hitting you hard.

Stop glorifying your marriage and her. You said that you thought that everything was fine. I really doubt it. Perhaps fine just meant that so long as she was around you then you were happy. I'm not there, but I can tell you that overwhelmingly, those so called "perfect" marriages were far from it. Not that trouble excuses an affair; however, if you think it was all love and happiness, then you are idealizing your marriage about as much as she is re-writing it.

She's not awesome, great, or anything else spectacular. Neither was your marriage. Its true condition needs to be realized by YOU. Her true value needs to be realized by YOU. Your true worth needs to be realized by YOU. Who knows, once you get a handle on those things, you might be happy that she is gone. 

My point is to start from a framework of truth in everything that you do and think. It may not make things easy, but they will be less hard, if that makes any sense.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> *I gave her till the weekend.* No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on


Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.

"You're either staying w/ me or you're leaving. If you leave, we're done -- immediately and forever. If you stay, you're cutting any and all ties w/ him -- immediately and forever."


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

floatingbarely said:


> I've been working the 180. It hasn't gotten through to her yet


It will get through when you mean it and that won't be until you can no longer stand to be in the same room with her and want a D asap.

R should be completely off the table at this point. You've let her call all the shots until now, it's time for you to take back control. She should be grateful you even acknowledge her existence, stop giving her so much power over your life.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sigh * Altogether now "180 is not for her 180 is for ....."


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The law protects be cause they have no clue what sort of nonsense is going on in a household. So until it goes to court and someone settles it they are not going to let anyone kick their spouse out.
> 
> Geez


Of course I agree in principle and people do need protection. BUT...

It's just tough when I have myself and 3 of 4 mates with wives that have left what where in essence perfectly good marriages that could easily have been improved with a tiny bit of work.

I still just think that it is too easy for married partners to leave each other these days. The law FACILITATES it.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.
> 
> "You're either staying w/ me or you're leaving. If you leave, we're done -- immediately and forever. If you stay, you're cutting any and all ties w/ him -- immediately and forever."


She can do a lot of planning with her new man in 5 days. Basically convince him to support her and house her. And despite this, you will pay for it. Sweet deal for him too.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Just wanted to pop in and assure you that you're doing the right thing. I went through pretty much exactly what you went through, only I was stupid enough to let it go on for over six months. Worst six months of my life by far.

Your wife isn't undecided. She chose a year ago to have two men in her life, one to support her financially and help her raise her children, even if she had to lie to him, and the other one to be her secret lover. What you perceive as ongoing indecision is really just her trying to figure out how to keep her secrets better or rewind time to before you figured out she was cheating. The choice isn't between you or this other man. She's chosen HERSELF.

Think of it this way. In the last four months, while you went through emotional agony, did she choose to stop causing you pain? Did she choose you? No. By not dumping him immediately and choosing you, she has made her choice to continue animating the dead marriage.

Now that you have told her the marriage is ending, she may suddenly act like she's chosen you after all. It's a lie, just as the rest of her is a lie, so don't fall for it. Look at her honestly, the 'real' her that you've uncovered over the last year or so, and ask yourself if this evil twin of the woman you loved has what it takes to earn back your trust. Probably not. Even if her loverboy were to be run over by the karma bus tomorrow, would your wife be able to do the hard work of rebuilding your marriage?

Here's a great link: Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse? - ChumpLady.com

I leave you with Rush: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> floatingbarely said:
> 
> 
> > *I gave her till the weekend.* No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on
> ...


That's the deal


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

poida said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.
> ...


How exactly would I pay for it. If that what she wants...fine. she's free to do so as far as I'm concerned


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

floatingbarely said:


> I gave her till the weekend. No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on


Floating my man, I told you earlier you cannot afford to f-ck this up. You know your trying to give her wiggle room hoping you don't push her into a corner and she bolts. If you knew women, you'd know she needs to feel the pressure to realize she is no longer holding any of the aces and to recover any of the respect she's lost. You don't what to pass out options to a spouse who can't decide if another man is more valuable than you.
Additionally, since when is her knowing she messed up got anything to do with her trying save her own skin if push comes to shove. You may not think she's malicious and she may not be. But you didn't think she'd be screwing around with another guy either. Since you don't know her as well as you think, the onus is on you to protect your azz.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> How exactly would I pay for it. If that what she wants...fine. she's free to do so as far as I'm concerned


And if she uses the time between now and the weekend to meet up w/ OM and f*ck his brains out...?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> And if she uses the time between now and the weekend to meet up w/ OM and f*ck his brains out...?


Then he lets her go. 

What do you expect him to do? Handcuff her to a radiator? There is nothing he can do to stop her. A threat of divorce might have a 50/50 chance, nothing more.

If she chooses OM, just let her go. Wish her well and go file for that divorce.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Then he lets her go.
> 
> What do you expect him to do? Handcuff her to a radiator? There is nothing he can do to stop her. A threat of divorce might have a 50/50 chance, nothing more.
> 
> If she chooses OM, just let her go. Wish her well and go file for that divorce.


I think you misread my post. Of course he can't do anything to stop her. Nor should he try. But he's given her _until the weekend_ to drop OM... as in she can do or say anything w/ him up until Friday evening and _*then*_ it has to end?

No. F*ck that noise. Tell her to end it now or it's done.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> How exactly would I pay for it. If that what she wants...fine. she's free to do so as far as I'm concerned


As a woman, many men are prepared to support women completely. On top of that, she receives AT LEAST HALF of your joint assets.

You don't have support. 

Suggest you cut ties and get started on your own finances ASAP.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I think you misread my post. Of course he can't do anything to stop her. Nor should he try. But he's given her _until the weekend_ to drop OM... as in she can do or say anything w/ him up until Friday evening and _*then*_ it has to end?
> 
> No. F*ck that noise. Tell her to end it now or it's done.


I agree. All that message says is ....... "despite this being the worst thing you could have even done to hurt me, I am going to be wishy washy about actually enforcing it so you know that you can walk all over me, set your own terms and negotiate tough knowing you will win when it comes time to split finances and assets".


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting it, but I thought his five-day deadline was for her to move out, not to make a decision.

He's taking his power back, he's made the decision for her.

And yes, the 180 is all about rediscovering your autonomy and independence, improving yourself for the future, etc. It may sometimes have the side effect of waking up a foggy cheater, but it's intended to be about strengthening yourself for being a single man.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I think you misread my post. Of course he can't do anything to stop her. Nor should he try. But he's given her _until the weekend_ to drop OM... as in she can do or say anything w/ him up until Friday evening and _*then*_ it has to end?
> 
> No. F*ck that noise. Tell her to end it now or it's done.


Well he's already shown he is a prevaricator. He cannot make a stand, which is one reason she knows she has him up against the ropes. 

If he gets hit enough, pretty soon he will get tired of getting hit and fight back.

Or he'll go crawl in a hole and die somewhere.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

She's moving out....I've moved on. In my state you have to be separated for 1 year in order to D. I wish she'd move sooner. I truly wanted or marriage to recover but I realize that's not happening. I also realize this isn't the same girl I married. I know I've been holding on to what was. Im moving past that because her ambivalence has answered my questions.


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## floatingbarely (Mar 21, 2015)

Really just want to confront the other man, but I know it won't get me anywhere. Id just like to beat him senseless. It's so hard not too


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

floatingbarely said:


> Really just want to confront the other man, but I know it won't get me anywhere. Id just like to beat him senseless. It's so hard not too


Just think of him as a roach.. he's beneath you. Why waste one ounce of energy on him? Instead put that into you new life.

Remember that the best revenge is to live well.

Plus, he's getting her, right? She's likely to do the same thing to him down the road.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> She's moving out....I've moved on. In my state you have to be separated for 1 year in order to D. I wish she'd move sooner. I truly wanted or marriage to recover but I realize that's not happening. I also realize this isn't the same girl I married. I know I've been holding on to what was. Im moving past that because her ambivalence has answered my questions.


Sorry you find yourself in this place but you have the right mind set to move on and yes you will have your low moments/days but you will get there, read your other post no don't hit him that's the mistake that almost cost me very dear leave him for karma she is more vicious than anyone i ever met


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> Really just want to confront the other man, but I know it won't get me anywhere. Id just like to beat him senseless. It's so hard not too



Going off on Eligirl here, but behavior is usually a pattern. If she goes to him, and if he does not provide her with everything she wants, she will look elsewhere for it. You provide the loyalty and stability she needs to feel safe enough to explore other men she is attracted to. Once he gets her, if he does not provide the same level of safety and security, she will get that need met elsewhere And if she loses that attraction to him, she will move on as well. She is only seeing him in the best light, the relationship is mostly skin deep, with no depth. Living together and working on issues has not yet been introduced into their relationship..

Let him have her to punish him instead. What your going through, she will probably put him through as well, or he may leave her once he has to invest more in her,which he might not want to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> She's moving out....I've moved on. In my state you have to be separated for 1 year in order to D. I wish she'd move sooner. I truly wanted or marriage to recover but I realize that's not happening. I also realize this isn't the same girl I married. I know I've been holding on to what was. Im moving past that because her ambivalence has answered my questions.


Sorry man. 



floatingbarely said:


> Really just want to confront the other man, but I know it won't get me anywhere. Id just like to beat him senseless. It's so hard not too


Believe me, I know it's tempting, but he's not worth jail time.

Let her go to him. After all, isn't that just about the worst thing that you can do to him?

Oh, and be prepared for her to come crawling back to you once OM has decided that the juice isn't worth the squeeze.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

floatingbarely said:


> Really just want to confront the other man, but I know it won't get me anywhere. Id just like to beat him senseless. It's so hard not too


As time passes and your perspective clarifies you will realize that the OM did you a favor by taking her off your hands. 

Yes, he was party to inflicting pain upon you, but sometimes 20/20 hindsight is a remarkable thing. 

The important thing for you at this time is to take advantage of this opportunity to remake yourself into the kind of man that you want to be.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

floatingbarely said:


> Really just want to confront the other man, but I know it won't get me anywhere. Id just like to beat him senseless. It's so hard not too


While I believe he deserves a good beating but so does your wayward wife.

Since beating either one will land you in jail I believe in beating them another way.

You let her go. You dont give her an extra $1.00 in any settlement than you have to.

You treat her as if your wife died and she nothing more than the mother of your kids. 

And the last stroke is that you expose the affair to her family. Paint a picture of who she is now.

And you give her the respect that she has shown you.

None.

You would be surprised just how effective your new attitude can be to move forward in life.

HM


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> While I believe he deserves a good beating but so does your wayward wife.


I hope that some day you see that SHE deserves your wrath more than HE does. SHE is the one who shat all over YOU.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...prepare-potential-divorce-custody-battle.html


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