# Fight or Flight?



## HoldingOutHope (Aug 29, 2011)

10+ years married, 2 kids. This weekend, my wife suggests a separation.

There is nobody else - no question. But she says we lack an emotional connection.

I'm willing to do most anything to save our marriage, but I get ambivalence from her. I'm gutted, mortally wounded. She appears unfazed. 

I ask what she wants, she says "I don't know". What if all the issues in our marriage got resolved, do you still want me? "I don't know what I want".

I could go to counseling with her. Or I could cut to the chase and file for divorce.

Do I risk setting myself up for a bigger fall? If she said "I want to be with you, but some things have to change", I would accept it.

She doesn't even appear saddened, while I'm having trouble breathing.

Can counseling save us, or am I walking into a trap?


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## HoldingOutHope (Aug 29, 2011)

How do you know what the right thing to do is? I'm constantly torn. Anger, sadness, guilt, blame.... Over and over. I've been awake sine 3 am, doing research on counseling and divorce at the same time.

My wife wants a separation. Doesn't know if she wants me or not, but willing to go to counseling to "work it out". That's not good enough for me. I am committed to seeing it thru. She's committed to seeing what happens.

She confessed to an emotional affair with someone. Separation to me feels like a chance to pursue that more.

So should I just file and be done? So lost and confused...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ljw (Aug 24, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I dropped the bomb on my husband a few years ago and told him i no longer loved him however; we were having problems (he was having the emotional affair). We did counceling and it did work for us for a little while. I know a ton of people that went and it was a success for them and now there love is stronger than ever. Don't give up try the counseling she just sounds confused. Do you have date nights? Maybe take her out to a nice restaurant and explain to her over dinner how much u love her and want to work things out by going to counseling together. Good luck to you and hang in there!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Hope - I am in the exact same situation as you just two months advanced. My wife gave me the same speech but did not want to go through counselling. The question is - do you want to stay married or not? If you still love your wife and want this to work, go with her and resolve your issues. It takes two of you to make things work and you and her are the only ones that can fix it even if you dont know whats wrong yet. Do you really want to file, walk away and regret that you never even tried?

Below are my threads that seem similar to yours if interested. Dazed is my first one

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/30226-dazed-confused.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/30518-i-think-we-need-talk.html


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## HoldingOutHope (Aug 29, 2011)

Sod - 
How do you get through it? The whole "give her time" thing is what kills me. I'm willing to do just about anything, but I need to know she's with me or not. Time is the HARDEST thing for me to give. I'm chewing off my fingernails waiting for the next talk. Every time I see her I lose my breath. I'm cloaked in sadness and fear and anger and doubt, and all I want is for it to go away - even if I file for Divorce just to put it out of it's misery.

Moving out seems lonely and I can picture myself pacing an empty room going crazy. I don't know how I'm going to do this...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

There is nobody else but she's in an emotional affair?

Of course there is someone else. The other man. What she is doing is straight out of the cheaters handbook. The, not in love with you, talk. The apathy. It's all textbook cheaters behavior.

First things, DONT beg and plead. This makes you look weak.

Time to do the 180. 
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

Post more questions here. Read up on the Affair Fog in the Coping With Infidelity section.

Also, go to the Mens Forum and Read up on Nice Guys. There's some tools in there that may help you cope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

HoldingOutHope said:


> Sod -
> How do you get through it? The whole "give her time" thing is what kills me. I'm willing to do just about anything, but I need to know she's with me or not. Time is the HARDEST thing for me to give. I'm chewing off my fingernails waiting for the next talk. Every time I see her I lose my breath. I'm cloaked in sadness and fear and anger and doubt, and all I want is for it to go away - even if I file for Divorce just to put it out of it's misery.
> 
> Moving out seems lonely and I can picture myself pacing an empty room going crazy. I don't know how I'm going to do this...


Honestly - I dont know. At least your wife has said she is willing to try counselling. Thats more than I got. It sucks, its miserable but you will get through it and there will be days of extreme highs and lows. When I moved out, I spiraled down fast but took the time to spend with my kids, get exercise and think about what life would be like if we divorced. After a while, things are not as bad but living in limbo is pure torture


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Also, here is an excerpt from a thread called Just Let them go that I focus on. Its helped me gain some clarity

Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):

"Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)

You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.

Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."
__________________


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

She wants a seperation so that she can date her new friend. 

The only chance your marriage has is if the new Mr. Perfect takes a hike. Otherwise you are competing with a fantasy.


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