# A relative's divisive behavior



## Homeland84 (Oct 5, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I'm new and I need some advice. I'm hoping you all can give me an unbiased perspective. I have a relative who is problematic. I suspect there is some narcissism involved. He has decided I'm the enemy and is interfering in my marriage. 

He married into the family about 15 years. Whenever I was in his company, I would don my flack jacket and wait for the incoming acerbic criticism. He left nothing untouched. (wife, mother, professional, etc). For the most part, I just sucked it up for the sake of family harmony. But, it hurt and I didn't forget. My husband witnesses these sometimes and ignored it.

In the fall of last year our first born was married. This relative created an incident where the special guests were made to be late to the wedding. It delayed the wedding while we waited for them to arrive. It was a huge disruption upsetting my son, future DIL and her parents. I was furious but again sucked it up attempting not to spoil the day. 

In my mind, a normal person would find an appropriate time and simply say "I'm sorry for the issue". It would have been quickly forgiven with a no harm done handshake. But, what happened was that during the reception instead of an apology he fired off another criticism. Being a high stress day, I lost my composure and let him have it. In a millisecond, I knew I had overdone it and was ashamed of my behavior. I fully intended to apologize. I haven’t yet for the reasons below. My husband did not witness the event. I didn’t tell him which I own up to as an error in judgment on my part.

By the next day, my anger vanished and life went on. It was 3 months later that I noticed my husband being openly hostile to me and asked him why. He made it clear that he had been talking to this relative behind my back. I tried to discuss it but I was shut down. He never was willing to hear from me what happened. He took all his facts from this relative.

Over the course of the ensuing months, I found out that I was banned the relative’s home and my husband had received multiple invitations (all declined); also, my husband had engaged in these “negatively slanted” conversations over and over again without my knowledge. He also confessed that he had been asked by this relative to keep secrets from me. 

This past summer I forced a conversation and asked if he really had my back. Was he going to let this person’s toxic energy come between us? He said he would not but I’m not sure anymore. I would have apologized long ago but with all these machinations going on it makes it hard. All I did was loose my temper in a moment of passion, this stuff is purposeful and hateful. Do I still have an apology due?

I know there is not enough space on the page to get all the details out but my take on this is that I should have my husband’s unconditional support (good, bad or indifferent). At the first conversation, he should have shut this person down and told him to talk to me directly. By continuing the conversations, he has validated this person’s angst and made him feel he has my husband’s ear on the matter. I find my husband’s behavior to be disloyal. The relative’s behavior is divisive. To make matters worse, my husband has displayed sympathy for him and is unsupportive of me. 

So, I’m not permitted in his home, he doesn’t come to family functions and when he calls our home he won’t talk to me. At this point, my take on things is that what this relative wants primarily is to cause me pain and, maybe, secondarily an apology. He’s recruited my husband to his cause and created a rift in my relationship. My husband wants me to ignore all of this and just suck it up and apologize. This makes the problem go away in his mind. This is the path of least resistance in my view and disrespectful to so many people and resolves nothing. Where is my husband’s protection and loyalty? Why is he setting this person’s feelings above mine? Should I allow a higher standard of accountability for me than is required for this other relative? My husband thinks I should.

Thanks for reading this long post and any advice you can offer.


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Did you discuss this at all with your husband when the critisism started? 

I'm not sure I can offer a whole lot of advice without a few more details on what kind of comments you were putting up with. Perhaps your husband feels you are overly sensitive. On the other hand it could be he simply didn't get the fact you were feeling insulted or maybe he just needs to grow a spine and stand up for you. A couple of examples might clarify the situation.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Homeland84 said:


> My husband wants me to ignore all of this and just suck it up and apologize. This makes the problem go away in his mind. This is the path of least resistance in my view and disrespectful to so many people and resolves nothing.


Correct. This resolves nothing.



Frost said:


> maybe he just needs to grow a spine and stand up for you.


Not just "maybe" about it! Instead it is absolutely this.

In my own social circle, it is no need for any friends aquaintences or family from either side to even a need to think twice to NEVER attempt to get between my wife and myself.

This is whether right, wrong, good, bad, or ugly.

Your man needs to be woken up to what is going on here.

This meddling relative man has disrupted your son's wedding, on that day you lost your temper, so what? 

Not rocket science to understand this is typically the stressful day for the mother of the bride and bridegroom, and to disrupt such an occasion is no small thing!

Now this meddling relative man is causing division, shutting you out of family contact and communication and gathering, and your man is allowing and enabling this disrespectful behavior to occur.

Sit with your husband, calmly and confidently, and speak in very linear timeframe, from start to finish, exactly like you have laid out in this thread.

Then explain to him in black and white facts, that he is disappointing you because he will not stand up to this meddling relative man who is attempting to be driving a wedge between you and your husband.

If there are hard feelings, then your man needs to be a man and either propose the way to resolve things over a discussion or correspondence between the three of you, or he needs to be a man and reduce or eliminate contact with this meddling relative man.

But most importantly, for your sake you need to sit down with your man and discuss why you are not permitted to share your side of the story, and shutting you down and why is resenting you to the point of being willing for this wedge to even find a crack between the two of you. 

I am wondering if there are already not resentment issues even beyond this meddling relative man that need to be sorted out most of all.

I hope something of this is beneficial to you.

I wish you well.


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## Homeland84 (Oct 5, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback to both of you.

I did talk to him about it. I told him that it hurt to know that he was engaging in these conversations behind my back. He gave me a speech about how he knows this man has mental issues which makes me the better person. And, being a better person, I should take the so called high ground and do whatever the man wants to make this go away. I found that manipulative and insulting to say the least. He feels it the safest thing to do with the least amount of stress. 

He asked me if I wanted him to make a scene. Why would if have to be a scene? I told him conflict doesn't have to be yelling and screaming. Just tell the man you won't discuss these types of things with him and call me if he has a problem to discuss. Apparently, that is too hard for him.

I also feel my husband is being spineless but I haven't said that because I'm trying to stay respectful to everyone involved. My husband just wants the conflict to go away without him having to get involved. The easiest thing to do is to throw his wife under the bus. This is the truth from my perspective.

Because of the relatives mental issues (stress related), everyone treads softly around him and placates. I read up on narcissistic personality disorder and this guy could be a poster child. I see it differently. I think the guy is a major emotional manipulator to the weak minded around him. If he wants to hold me to a spot on accountability, he needs to join me there.

I live by a strong code of ethics and will always do the right thing by everyone to the best of my ability. I just wish my husband felt the same. I'm starting to wonder if the last 26 years has been a mistake. I've cried a lot of tears over the years trying to hold this thing together. However, we have never had a challenge like this one before. This one is just making feel like it's not worth the struggle.

Thanks again.

P.S. to BigBadWolf, your comment over existing resentments is right on the money. The reasons are a whole other thread.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hubby needs to grow a pair and tell this relative that he is causing problems, and that he will stand by his wife, blood and history be damned. This relative is a bully, and sounds like a psychopathic one to boot, and bullies only understand one thing.
My family and I kid each other mercilessly, but they also know that my wife and daughter come first, and if any of them hurt her, then I'd do what your hubby should do to this jerk-take him out back and, uh...fuhgeddaboutit.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think your husband needs a reality check. Where does this guy stand in order of importance in his life? Certainly after you and your children, and by the sounds of it, the guy should also be after everyone else your husband knows as well. This guy won't be the one holding his hand when he's 80, or wiping the drool from his mouth .

You are not asking much in the big scheme of things. You are asking for loyalty. You shouldn't even have to ask for it. Whether you apologise or not, though I don't believe you should, is not his decision to make, nor should he try force you to do it. He should shut this person down as soon as anything negative is said about you or your children the instant it comes out. It could be as simple as saying, 'I don't want to hear it. Call me if you want to discuss something other than this. Later.' *hangs up*. If he doesn't stand up for you now, it will only get worse, and if you apologise now, you are showing your belly to the wolf.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homeland84, I had a similar thing a while back. My Ws brother told me MIL had been bad mouthing me for the past 25 years. Here’s the situation. The MILs youngest son took his own life and the lives of 6 others when he committed suicide. Her oldest son has been married 4 times and lives penniless in a council flat. The MILs daughter, my W, has been married just once, to me, and had a stable life, everything paid for, cars etc. etc. for 42 years yet I’m the one who got bad mouthed.

Like you I see them as narcissistic. I separated from my W last year. I feel so “free” from her families projections and bad mouthing of me it’s unbelievable. My wife had many opportunities to “stand up for me” against her family. She never took one of them.

Bob


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## Homeland84 (Oct 5, 2010)

Thank you all for helping me realize I'm not crazy or irrational. It helps a lot. I think it's time to sit my husband down and talk one last time. The outcome of that will tell me what I need to do next.

Bob-I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand the feeling of betrayal quite well. However, I'm glad you feel like you are in a better place. I hope to get there again too.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homeland84 said:


> Thank you all for helping me realize I'm not crazy or irrational. It helps a lot. I think it's time to sit my husband down and talk one last time. The outcome of that will tell me what I need to do next.
> 
> Bob-I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand the feeling of betrayal quite well. However, I'm glad you feel like you are in a better place. I hope to get there again too.


That's the very thing Homeland. They do make you feel like you are the crazy and irrational one. In a way we look to them for acceptance of who we are, the goodness that’s in us. But that acceptance just never comes.

It’s like we are two very different people. The person we know our self to be and the person they speak of in very negative terms. It can be the basis of an identity crisis for us and is certainly crazy making.

Since I’ve been “out of the loop” and on my own for nearly a year I’m feeling so fundamentally different. My friendships with other people are both multiplying and getting deeper at the same time. I’m just so glad to be away from the “pack” and out on my own.

Bob


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