# Going through separation. still trying to reconcile



## lostinluv8493 (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi everyone, thank you for accepting me in the group. I joined to seek some kind of support and also to learn how to handle my situation properly. It has been 2 months since my wife left me, the first 2 weeks was rough but there was no fighting involved. Here is my story.
we were married for almost 4 years this November but had been together for almost 6 years, I am 32 years old and my wife is turning 24 on January. She left me two months ago because we had a problem about her going out with a specific girl friend, I confronted her about this probably about 3 times in three years. The first time wasn't a big deal she got drunk in her friends house and I picked her up because I don't like her sleeping in somebody else's house, talked to her about it and we moved on. I also hang out with her friends and I'm ok with her drinking but made a point that she should drink to the point where she doesn't know what she's doing or unaware of her surroundings. The second time she asked me if she could party at her friends house I was ok with it but we had a deal that she is gonna call me when she's ready. The problem was she did not make that phone call so I assumed she is drunk and I waited until 3 am. I went to pic her up at this point I was angry but did not start a conversation with her. Problem number 2 was while we were driving she said that she was kissing with her girlfriend, deep inside me I was enraged and my mind just cant picture it and blamed her friend for it. The following day when she recovered I talked to her about it this time I was upset but I was able to calm myself and still did not yell at her. We were able to move on again but I mentioned how her friends are changing her and that she should refrain from hanging with them specially when alcohol is involved.


My wife doesn't drink before she met this people, I admitted to her that I dislike her friend and that she is not good for her because she is divorced and known to be with different guys at their work. My wife also tells me stories of her and how she's living her life. During this time I decided to go with y wife again when they went out to a club. In this girls birthday party her friends got drunk and her now bestfriend was miserable and emotional when she got drunk. Something caught my attention, they were kissing each other girl to girl and boys to girl and that they don't have personal boundary. They also have minor friends with them and they provide them with alcohol. This is the point when I doubted my wife if she participates in this kind of activity.

This year in august my wife had her going away party at work. During this time me and my wife were going through a lot of changes in our life, new apartment, new work and about to start nursing school. I did not go because my wife did not ask me if I want to go and also I wanted her to enjoy. Again I was supposed to pick her up but around 2am I got a call from her friend and told me that they are going to drop her off at our place. I was upset again, and when they got in our apartment complex there are 2 guys carrying her, at first I was really mad but I was relieved when I recognized one of them and his wife is with them too. The problem was my wife screamed at me saying she is scared of me and that she doesn't want to go home and told me she wants to go with another guy because he likes her. That threw me off and yelled at her friends telling them how they turned my wife to this type. She would not let me touch her so I told the guys to bring her in. I took care of her and let her rest, she woke up crying, apologizing saying I'm sorry I cant, I'm sorry I wasted your time. I felt bad for her and I became emotional and the whole entire day I just tried to reassure her and calm her down. After all these, she admitted that she was throwing herself to other guys and maybe made out with them too. It was really tough for me but I did not get mad at her thinking that this is not her fault at all, instead I blamed her friend again and told her never see her again. I told her that we were going to new York to have a break from stress and to just relax but I also thought of sending her home to her mom so she can be with her family and have a really good break, so she did.

That's when everything fell out, she went home for a week and I had a gut feeling that hat was a mistake. when she got back she told me that fell out of love, that she is guilty and she isn't happy in our marriage anymore. She also blamed me for her being drunk because she said she wanted to escape from her thoughts of me telling her how bad her friends are and that I'm controlling her. I was devastated, I made it clear to her that I am willing to work it out and compromise but she told me its too late. From this point on she did not show any emotion at all, I did and I realized that was a mistake because I begged and bargained with her. We did not sleep together in one room and after 2 weeks she left me.
I still love my wife and still trying to make it work out and reconcile. I recognized I cant do this alone so I ask my friends and family for advice, I also joined support groups like this. I also have a marriage coach and I read books and articles about saving a marriage. I am full of hope even though she is adamant about the divorce.

Thanks for your time.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry man, but your wife isn't cut out for marriage, and she's likely already started seeing other people.

File for divorce ASAP.

Read up on and implement the 180.

Cut her out of your life and never look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let her go. When a woman is done, she won't come back. She started dating you when she was 18 and now wants to be free and experience life. She sees you has an old man who stays at home and doesn't want to party. You are in a different stage in life.

You seem like a Nice Guy. Time to man up and stop begging her to come back. That's making it worse. Woman want a strong, confident man. Let her go and count your blessings you don't have kids.

Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Free download here, takes a few hours to read first time: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife was 17 and you were 26 when you got together. She's never had the opportunity to be an adult on her own. She needs time to grow up before she can commit to marriage. Let her go.


----------



## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

lostinluv8493 said:


> She also blamed me for her being drunk


You blame her friends for her actions primarily the excess drinking and everything that happens as a result.

She blames you for the excess drinking and everything that happens as a result.

Seems to be a lack of accountability among the parties involved.

Anyway, she's done, it's over, cut your losses and after things settle down go find someone who doesn't have a drinking problem and who isn't afraid of you. What's that all about anyway?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife was 17 and you were 26 when you got together. She's never had the opportunity to be an adult on her own. She needs time to grow up before she can commit to marriage. Let her go.


The human brain doesn't even fully mature until age 25. She wasn't fully formed as a person yet when she married you. @lostinluv8493. You were just barely fully formed as a person. It's not surprising that she wants to go out and experience life on her own. She was not then and is not now ready for marriage.

You cannot save a marriage alone and she isn't interested in or capable of being married at this time in her life.

Let her go. Move on.


----------



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Sorry to hear you are going through all this but you can't blame your the friends of you wife for her behaviour, she is her own person. We all have a choice to stay out all night and get wasted, friends don't put a gun to our heads. 

By you telling her she can't have certain friends will make her think you are controlling, and she will rebel against you.

There is a huge age gap between you and I think age gaps really only work if both people are over 25/30, she is young and wants to party and you're wanting to settle down because you've probably done all that.

I think as much as you are hurting now you should accept maybe she's not right for you, you'll meet someone who wants the same things in life that you do and can make you happy.

Why sit home wondering where she is and what she's up to, it's not fair.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

First, understand you wanting to reconcile means absolutely nothing because that is an impossible goal without two people committed to achieving it. And your wife is acting like a 17 year old college coed.

Get this crap out of your head that it is "controlling" for a married man not to appreciate his wife running around drunk until all hours of the morning in coed company with friends who are behaving like they are on Spring Break, which is how your wife is acting. 

The age difference would mean nothing if your wife had any real interest in b wing married but right now she sees al her friends playing the single life and poor her is tied down to you. And you can bet your bottom dollar that someone partying like that with virtually no accountability has had physical contact with other men. 

You must face reality here and get to an attorney and protect yourself. With her behavior she should be clamoring for you to set up some boundaries for her instead of rebelling and calling you :controlling". You will be amazed how many men wind up as BH ( betrayed husbands) trying to avoid being called that even when it is bull ****.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You started dating a 17 year old at 25 and then married a 20 year old at 28.

That age gap is huge at that age.

She's not ready to be married and you have become her parent.

You wouldn't have to dictate friends to one ready for marriage.

Go your separate ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are right in that you cannot do this alone. Unfortunately, it is your SPOUSE who needs to be in this with you and she is no longer interested in the marriage. I would suggest you start concentrating on moving forward rather than hanging false hope on reconciliation.


----------

