# ok for spouse to dance on business trip?



## bayoumom (Sep 19, 2011)

my husband of 26 years has been 'flirting' and I recently found he was facebooking some woman who said 'sex was her hobby'.
I confronted him, we went to counseling, a lot of things were discussed, including my being uncomfortable with him dancing with women I don't know when we went out with two friends a few months ago. (He rarely goes out like that...2-3 times per year)
It happened he had a business conference this past weekend and I had a feeling he did more than have a few beers with the guys. Sure enough, he says he did dance.
Am I crazy to be jealous?

and isn't it true, in order to 'dance' with a woman, a man has to look over the room and 'choose' someone. I just think that is wrong...he had to 'pick' someone. that in and of itself makes me uncomfortable, but knowing we just went to counseling less than a WEEK ago really bothers me...

oh, and when I asked how he would feel if "I" was out dancing with guys, he said it wouldn't bother him! OMG! he can say it's because he trusts me but let's face it, it's because he knows I WOULDN'T do that...I WOULD LOVE TO GO DANCING WITH HHIIMM!!

I WQNT YOUR OPINION!!! Thanks!!


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## DaddyDaughterDances (Sep 9, 2011)

Well, I'll tell you what you already know (from my perspective at least). No, it's certainly NOT ok for your husband to be acting in this way. Sounds like "single person" behaviour. I'm sure others have said it here before me, but he really should be concerning himself more with talking to you and figuring out why this is a problem than he should be flirting on FB and dancing wiith strange women when he's away. 

Not too cool in my book.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Couple of responses to this. First, if it's important to you and/or makes you uncomfortable he should respect that and modify his behavior because he loves you. 

Second. If your H is communicating with other women via FB, text or any other means who tell him their hobby is sex it is inappropriate - period. Obviously you know this - does he? IMO he's fishing, he's either already or starting to get some need he has met by someone other than you. While it may not be today, this road leads to an affair. You have to get him to realize and accept that his communication was/is inappropriate and has to stop. You need to check on him, keep an eye on his phone, his FB account and his email. Don't think of it as snooping or spying, think of it as inspecting what you expect and protecting your marriage. 

So you would love to go dancing with him? Ok, after 26 years and based on what you've posted I'm betting the excitement of the relationship has waned? Happens to all of us who are married long enough (myself included). So put some extra effort into it. Remember how much attention you paid to him when you first started dating? Do those things again, send him text randomly through the day to let him know you're thinking about him. Put on a dress he really likes. Do things to let him know he's important to you - not wife things like taking care of the house or kids - girl friend things like saying "I want you" instead of "I love you." Whatever turned the two of you on 26 years ago - do it again. 

My wife and I have been together 21 years and married 13 - happily married all 13 of them. It took my having a two month emotional affair with an old high school flame for both of us to realize that the excitement and flirt of our relationship had gone - life had simply crept in and we took each other fore granted. Through the process of reconciling and dealing with my affair we have reconnected and addressed what went missing, we're now better than we've ever been but it was very hard lesson for both of us. Don't let it get to that point in your marriage. I don't mean to say that you have to do all of the work, but someone has to take the lead and it sounds to me like he's already at least flirting with looking outside of your marriage. Talk to him, flirt with him, do whatever it takes to reconnect with him. And in the interim keep your eyes and ears open. 

MAKE him take you dancing and then make it worth his while!! 

Good Luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Assuming that the dancing you speak of is the initmate kind and not just jumping around. A big difference in the two. I think either one is a very slippery slope.

BUT, I do not have a double standard here. I think it is especially dangerous on business trips for obvious reasons.

Anyway, this is a boundary issue. If you are concerned about this and it crosses your boundaries then I suggest you guys come to an agreement that this is off limits for the two of you. He should not be doing this until you guys can agree on this and what the rules of engagement are. But this goes beyond just the dancing. So I would also encourage you guys to do the His Needs Her Needs along with the discussing, the defining and implementing of boundaries, especially as they relate to memebers of the opposite sex.

Him stating that he is ok for you to dance with other men is not a free pass for him to dance with other women if you object. He just has looser boundaries. Maybe. Or he does not think you will follow through. Some people will encourage you to start to go out dancing. This just seems tit for tat and / or escalating and I think that is a losing game. But I understand the logic.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i wouldn't care who my H dances with now,well,maybe i care a little...but in the past i'd probably want to claw his eyes out if he even attempted to dance with another woman.
> 
> crazy? maybe.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## pygmaliongirl (Sep 16, 2011)

IMO, not OK. Especially since you have made it abundantly clear to him that it upsets you. This alone should cause him to respect your feelings and change his actions.

Him saying you could do the same is just a justification for his behaviour. My husband said the same about his EA - he wouldn't mind one bit if I did the same, allegedly. Yeah right. He'd be livid. And if your husband were telling you it bothered him a lot that you were away on a trip dancing with other men and you did anyway, I'm willing to bet he'd be feeling exactly as you are now.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

pygmaliongirl said:


> IMO, not OK. Especially since you have made it abundantly clear to him that it upsets you. This alone should cause him to respect your feelings and change his actions.


:iagree: If the spouse has already said they are uncomfortable then you don't do it.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

My H goes on business trips and it's not okay in my book, either. Cheating with a coworker is fairly common. Business trips increase the chance. Adding drinking and/or dancing on these trips is just foolish, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> and isn't it true, in order to 'dance' with a woman, a man has to look over the room and 'choose' someone. I just think that is wrong...he had to 'pick' someone. that in and of itself makes me uncomfortable, but knowing we just went to counseling less than a WEEK ago really bothers me...


Erm no, that's no true. Though it depends what type of dance. For example, in clubs or pubs one just gets wasted and lets himself go like me. Women do approach me and depending on the music and my mood I can end up dancing with them or not, either way I forget about them completely within 5-10 minutes. And I'm sure your hubby does the same when dancing with other women.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Its ok if you are present. Not out with the boys. Thats like the fox watching the hen house!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Erm no, that's no true. Though it depends what type of dance. For example, in clubs or pubs one just gets wasted and lets himself go like me. Women do approach me and depending on the music and my mood I can end up dancing with them or not, either way I forget about them completely within 5-10 minutes. *And I'm sure your hubby does the same when dancing with other women.[*/QUOTE]
> 
> LOL. Why are you sure about this? You may very well be right, but I can't tell from what has been said.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He said he doesn't care if you danced without him because he wants to keep dancing without you.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

People familiar with my posts know that when it comes to sex with consenting adults, I have a mind so open that there doesn't seem to even have a door. However even I see a problem with dancing with someone else while your spouse is away. Dancing can be extremely intimate, sometimes it can be even more intimate than making out. 

So, In general, Its not appropriate to dance with another person while away from your spouse. The type of dancing is the real deciding factor on how bad the infringement was. Line dancing is fairly harmless. Club dancing can be bad if there is grinding going on. Slow dancing is just plain trouble.

I would recommend telling your husband that the only dancing he is allowed to do at business meetings is break dancing. 

Riki


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Absolutely not....especially since you're not around. Imagine how your H would feel if the tables were turned..
In my mind, dancing is making love to music.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HappyAtLast said:


> Absolutely not....especially since you're not around. Imagine how your H would feel if the tables were turned..
> In my mind, dancing is making love to music.


:iagree:

If you are doing it right!


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