# Insecure or have a right to be angry



## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

To others this may sound childish but to me it's extremely hurtful and makes me feel horrible.

Tonight my husband (almost 7 years) tells me he is taking just his mother out for dinner to a fancy place. He then tells me that it's just a mother-son dinner. So I am not invited! She has not done anything or helped either one of us in a long time so I know that it's not a payback or nice gesture he wants to recognize her for.

About 5 years ago, she invited just my husband over for dinner and not me. I told me husband how much it hurt and he said that he understood but didn't know how to handle the situation. But now he's the one causing it. I said that it would be a different story if we all made plans and something came up where I had to work, or couldn't make it and I would have them keep their plans.

When I told him that I am hurt and it's not right to purposely exclude me he says "well you can choose to handle it another way". He ended up falling asleep and I cannot sleep because of all this anger.

We've been together for a long time (15 years and married almost 7). We've had a rocky marriage/ relationship at the beginning but now it's solid. We do everything together. So now this is making me think is something more going on? Is he cheating on me? What else doesn't he want me involved in with?

What are your thoughts and ideas? Is it wrong for a spouse to purposely exclude the other (not including boy-night out or ladies get together).
Thank you


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

melissab said:


> What are your thoughts and ideas? Is it wrong for a spouse to purposely exclude the other (not including boy-night out or ladies get together).


If his mother had said, "I want to discuss something that I am not comfortable discussing, and would prefer privacy" then he'd perhaps have a leg to stand on. I would even go so far as to say it's okay if he needs to discuss something with her. Otherwise, you are married and are a package deal. In a social setting there is no excuse for one spouse to tell the other "you are not invited", especially when he is the one doing the uninviting. He has said, "We do not want you there." That is unacceptable.

If my wife wants alone time with her mother, she can certainly say so, but then I see them all of the time and have a good relatioship with her parents. My wife and her parents speak another language (that's not a metaphore, they are immagrants). Even though I would barely be able to follow the conversation I would still be invited, but no one would be offended if I declined. I wouldn't unless I was working, or had something else to do - but then we socialize with them all of the time.

In my opinion unless you've left out something, your husband is wrong not to invite you. She does not view you as a couple. Perhaps during during your rocky years he shared his problems with her and poisoned your relationship with her, but that's just speculation on my part. When we marry, we leave our parents and become one. From what little you've shared it sounds like your mother in law doesn't accept that or still thinks of her son as "hers". Your husband isn't willing to stand up and say "this is my wife, and we are a package deal now.". His response to your feelings is equally wrong. 

Best to you


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

Yeah, I think it's utterly disrespectful.
I hate it when husbands can't stick up for their wives and are always understanding instead towards their mom's needs or feelings.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

How old is his mother?

If this is a frequent thing, not ok. 
If he and she ALWAYS excludes you, not ok.

But if this is a once in a while, say once or twice a year, I don't think that is horrible or disrespectful. It is a mother & son. It is a few hours.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Though I dont do it..I dont think him taking his mom out for dinner is a bad thing. You now... once or twice a year or something - especially if they dont live nearby etc.

It gets a little less clear when she starts inviting him over for dinner and not inviting you though. Then it is more like... 'WTF'.

I agree. It may be screwed up. BUT....

For examle... if my wife wanted to go out to dinner with her father (or mother... who cares...) my reaction would be.... 'have fun!', and Im sure she would say the same. If it was 'routine' to not even get an invitation... then you start thinking... 'what?...my presence is not even wecome?'

Looks like you got a mamas boy there. Does this happen all the time? Three things.

1) His mother knows exactly what she is doing. I have seen this before with mothers and their sons. It is childish and reprehensible to even attempt inject yourself in between a married couple. I bet she thinks is cute and lovable. Its not. 

2) Your husband is a callous fool and should know better.

3) You are a little jealous and insecure, which does NOT help. ('is he cheating on me'?) Yes, they are all wrong for doing this - but you need to also fins a way to lighten up after you beat the crap out of your husband - which he justly deserves. This was something that happened 5 years ago, and then again now?

Is this something that has (only) happened a few times in 7 years? Is she very old? (yes, this matters). If that is the case - my vote is that is that this problem is mostly yours - and that you both have other problems as well. But even so - if this bothers you - he should clearly know better and include you.


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## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

melissab said:


> She has not done anything or helped either one of us in a long time so I know that it's not a payback or nice gesture he wants to recognize her for.


Umm she gave birth to him, raised him to be the man you love. Unless its weekly, get over it and appreciate the fact that you have a husband that respects his mother.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

melissab said:


> Tonight my husband (almost 7 years) tells me he is taking just his mother out for dinner to a fancy place. He then tells me that it's just a mother-son dinner. So I am not invited! *She has not done anything or helped either one of us in a long time so I know that it's not a payback or nice gesture he wants to recognize her for*.
> 
> We've had a rocky marriage/ relationship at the beginning but now it's solid. We do everything together. So now this is making me think is something more going on? Is he cheating on me? What else doesn't he want me involved in with?
> 
> What are your thoughts and ideas? Is it wrong for a spouse to purposely exclude the other (not including boy-night out or ladies get together).


Honestly, I think you are way overreacting. Cheating? Is something more going on? Really? It's just dinner with his mom. Why wouldn't you want your husband to spend some quality time with his mother? I'd be happier w/ that then w/ a man who spent no time w/ his mother. She is his MOTHER. 

You said you and he do everything together so why not let him have some alone time with his mom. 

The bolded part up there--about him "not recognizing her for a nice gesture or payback" to me sounds insane. Seriously. If you think that one has to spend QT w/ their parent ONLY when they have done something kind or as "payback" then I'd venture to say that therapy may do you well. Especially if this is causing so much "anger" for you that it's peventing you from sleeping.

Personally I would never want to be with someone that resented me for spending time with my PARENTS. Automatic dealbreaker.

It sounds like you're controlling and insecure.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She invited him to dinner 5 years ago alone.

Now, 5 years later, he wants to take her to dinner alone.

2 dinners in the 15 years you've been together, and you are pissed?

Yeah, I'd say you're being childish. And creating problems with your H that do not exist anywhere except in your own head. Cheating? Seriously? WTF does cheating have to do with 2 dinners alone with his mother across the span of 5 years?


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