# Can't pull the trigger.



## Hoosier

Ok, wow, even tho this forum is anonymous it's funny how I am embarrassed to post because I feel like I know so well, but here goes

I'm a puss. I need to break up with my girlfriend and I can't bring myself to do it. She is a great girl, we never fight. We have been dating soon to be 3 years. We do not live together. (Oh, quick m55. F50). I have a house she an apartment. 30 miles apart. She stays over Sat nights sometimes Fri, sometimes Sun for last 2 years. Occasionally I go to her place on a weeknight she fixes me dinner, we watch tv, I go home.

Due to some ongoing medical conditions she is fragile. I was married 30 years, my w had an A. I was devastated still feel the effects 4.8 years later. We have not been intimate since before Christmas, it is a good friendship but I am not settling .

I have met a girl who interests me, which has 

Am I being self serving? 

I know some Will scoff and say "Quick answer do it idiot!"


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## SecondTime'Round

Hoosier said:


> Ok, wow, even tho this forum is anonymous it's funny how I am embarrassed to post because I feel like I know so well, but here goes
> 
> I'm a puss. I need to break up with my girlfriend and I can't bring myself to do it. She is a great girl, we never fight. We have been dating soon to be 3 years. We do not live together. (Oh, quick m55. F50). I have a house she an apartment. 30 miles apart. She stays over Sat nights sometimes Fri, sometimes Sun for last 2 years. Occasionally I go to her place on a weeknight she fixes me dinner, we watch tv, I go home.
> 
> Due to some ongoing medical conditions she is fragile. I was married 30 years, my w had an A. I was devastated still feel the effects 4.8 years later. We have not been intimate since before Christmas, it is a good friendship but I am not settling .
> 
> I have met a girl who interests me, which has
> 
> Am I being self serving?
> 
> I know some Will scoff and say "Quick answer do it idiot!"


So you've met someone else more interesting or something? You didn't finish that thought.


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## Hoosier

Yes, someone really interesting, but that has only pushed me to post and ask for help. The truth is I have been interested in going non exclusive for the last year, maybe it's the hurting of her, but maybe it's just a general desire to stay away from drama. Talk about avoidance. Any one else ever had this problem? Am I just weird?


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## SamuraiJack

I would suggest honesty.
Just state the facts and let th chips fall where they may.


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## happy as a clam

You're not weird. But you're "too nice." You are not looking out for your own best interests. Your long-term girlfriend isn't the right match for you.

Simply be honest with her. BEFORE you pursue this other female.

"GF, I think it's time we part ways." 

And then, part ways.


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## Rowan

Ummm, you're no longer interested in a relationship with your current girlfriend. You've met someone you are interested in pursuing. You need to be honest with your girlfriend. And with yourself. 

Otherwise, you're just stringing her along. Right now, she's a placeholder, a fallback position, your Plan B. Do you really want to be the guy who's just hanging around with her until you're confident there's something better? I would hope both that she deserves better, and that such a thing would be beneath you.


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## 3Xnocharm

You probably feel guilty for wanting to end things with her because she HASNT cheated on you, like your XW did. Its OK to end a relationship that no longer serves you, you dont NEED a major event like infidelity to do so. Give yourself permission. You dont want to live unhappy, you already did that once.


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## BlueWoman

Look, being broken up with sucks. It just does, no matter how it was done. 

But don't waste her time. The sooner you break up with her, the sooner she can start her grieving process and the sooner she can get over you. (Word of advice: don't tell her that, though.) 

Truthfully, you are just being selfish. You are trying not to be a bad guy for your own sake. But you don't love her. Let her go. Let her find somebody who does love her. 


And you find someone who loves you.


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## Hoosier

Truthfully, you are just being selfish. You are trying not to be a bad guy for your own sake. But you don't love her. Let her go. Let her find somebody who does love her. 



Hmmm thanks for that. 

I know this seems like a stupid deal, I get that. But it is enough that I considered going back to IC....guess this is part of that broken $hit they talk about.


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## soccermom2three

From what you've written it appears that the relationship has run it's course considering you two haven't been intimate since before Christmas. It sounds like you guys are friends not lovers. Even if there wasn't someone else you were interested in, you need to make a clean break anyway.


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## Jellybeans

Hoosier said:


> The truth is* I have been interested in going non exclusive for the last year*


A year?

Break up with her, Hoosier. 

Do know that it may not at all work out with the new interest. And that's ok, too.

Question: why no sex since last year?



Hoosier said:


> Talk about avoidance. Any one else ever had this problem? Am I just weird?


Sadly, I actually have been through this before. Was seeing a guy who I really was not in love with and did not feel that deep connection with. He was kind to me, thoughtful, everything, but it just wasn't there for me and eventually I broke it off. It was a long time, too, after I knew, that my heart didn't beat for him the way his did for mine. Shoulda ended it sooner. 

You can do it. The sooner, the better. Don't string her along.


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## SamuraiJack

Its better to rip the bandaid off than to do a slow peel.
Try putting yourself in her shoes.


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## Hoosier

Jelly: Oh I don't have any expectations really of the woman I have met. I am not falling madly for her or anything, just realized I really want the opportunity to meet someone that does it for me, her or someone else. Just that really feeling it is time.

Thanks to all, I know the answer, feel really stupid it is so hard. Appreciate the responses helps move it forward for me.


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## Hoosier

The no sex has to do partically with her medical conditions, but mainly she is the type that never initiates, not unwilling, but never initiates. Did I say never?

I had 5 years of duty sex from my x, I hate that! I want someone that WANTS me, cant help but feel it is the same thing here....and a bunch of other things, all minor by themselves but add up. I care for her, just not in that way. As someone said we are good friends, but that is as deep as it goes with me.


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## BlueWoman

You shouldn't feel stupid. Unfortunately we probably have all gone through this. It's one of the sucky things about dating. Sometimes, you have to break up with really nice people, because they aren't the ones. I haven't had to do it in over a decade, but I imagine it's in my future. I'll probably be just as stupid.


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## SamuraiJack

Nothing stupid about loving yourself enough to KNOW when something isn’t giving you what you need or want.
Being a “nice guy” this is one of the traps they can fall into. Doing what is “expected” and being afraid to hurt someone’s feelings.

I can barely keep myself off my GF and it’s been three years for us!

Be honorable and tell her straight up. Chances are she is thinking the same thing.
Be respectful, courteous and kind…above all else, leave them better than when you found them.

Then go discover somebody who loves you for who you are.
Maybe do a little work on yourself before you do.?

Investing in yourself never comes up short.


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## SamuraiJack

I remember once upon a time there was a BEAUTIFUL girl named Amy. 
Man she was a sight to behold.
Cute, sense of humor, SMART!!!!, REAL Platinum Hair, wonderful body!!! UHMMMMM-Hmmm!!!!
TOTAL Package!

But alas there was no spark from me.
She really liked me and was even planning to lose her virginity to me.
I couldn’t do it.
I have to have a connection with someone to sleep with them.
She ticked off every box for me…except spark.
It killed me that I couldn’t muster it, or conjure it, she was such a beautiful person.
But no spark.

That spark is the difference between seeing a piece of modern art versus seeing a true classical piece done by a master.
If that piece does not make you want to cry out then the spark isn’t there.

The first time I saw “Pygmalion and Galatea” I almost feinted it was such a wonderful piece.
I stared at it for what seemed like hours…even bought a lithograph for home.

You want that spark. 
Nobody can tell you that you have no right to it.
Preserve your honor, but go find the spark.


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## Hardtohandle

Hoosier, your not doing yourself a favor by breaking up with her, your doing her the favor.. You didn't like when your wife was stringing you along.. Don't do it to her.. Look at it that way.. 

When you mentioned duty sex, I triggered and I agree COMPLETELY about what you said about being wanted.. The GF was absolutely shocked I didn't want to have sex with her ( I was pissed at her and just turned off by her actions ). She has never been turned down for sex and it freaked her out.. I actually told her I had a headache and rolled over and went to sleep.. That was about 6 months ago.. She still talks about it..

But I completely understand it took me MONTHS to break up with an old GF that I dated and lived with for 4 1/2 years.. 

Oddly enough I can tell you this, when my Ex wife finally told me she was leaving. I could actually see the weight lifted from her shoulders.. Granted she was a raging kunty d0uche after that. But the burden was no longer hers to bear.. 

Look there is not ever going to be the right time to tell her and that might just be the opening line to tell her. Look soandso, there is never going to be a right time to tell you so I am just going to say it.. 

Just text it to her

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Just kidding..


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## Hoosier

I did it...... not because I was non-*****, it worked out we were together, alone, and she asked.

I know it was the right thing, but it still feels crappy and I felt guilty . 

I want to point out that I WAS NOT keeping her for plan B, as someone suggested. I wanted it to be over. 

Be a while before I ride that horse again, see why FWB is an option. If that would work....


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## 3Xnocharm

Hoosier said:


> I did it...... not because I was non-*****, it worked out we were together, alone, and she asked.
> 
> I know it was the right thing, but it still feels crappy and I felt guilty .
> 
> I want to point out that I WAS NOT keeping her for plan B, as someone suggested. I wanted it to be over.
> 
> Be a while before I ride that horse again, see why FWB is an option. If that would work....


Good for you! And try to lose the guilt...it wasnt working for you, so you did the right thing for you both.


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## Hoosier

Oh, Happy
the part about the wait to be done with one before the other?
I screwed that up a bit...well, ok, major. I talked on the phone with the Interesting Woman (IW) while on vacation. We made plans to meet, our conversations were conservative, talked of church (which I enjoy, suck at being a Christian, but enjoy) drinking beer, grandkids and kids, the whole gambit. But somehow IW found out about gf, probably FB and questioned me.... What could I say....nothing really, I had justified the meeting as just a get to know them, but in reality I was out of line. So, instead of responding (wrote IW an email, but deleted as I would just thing BS if I were her) I determined best to deal with gf first, and it took me a while. I wrote an email to IW today to explain what went on, that included a link to this thread. Sucks learning all this dating stuff at 55. No excuses tho for very poor judgment.

I feel like a stupid Sophmore in high school guy.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hoosier said:


> Oh, Happy
> the part about the wait to be done with one before the other?
> I screwed that up a bit...well, ok, major. I talked on the phone with the Interesting Woman (IW) while on vacation. We made plans to meet, our conversations were conservative, talked of church (which I enjoy, suck at being a Christian, but enjoy) drinking beer, grandkids and kids, the whole gambit. But somehow IW found out about gf, probably FB and questioned me.... What could I say....nothing really, I had justified the meeting as just a get to know them, but in reality I was out of line. So, instead of responding (wrote IW an email, but deleted as I would just thing BS if I were her) I determined best to deal with gf first, and it took me a while. I wrote an email to IW today to explain what went on, that included a link to this thread. Sucks learning all this dating stuff at 55. No excuses tho for very poor judgment.
> 
> I feel like a stupid Sophmore in high school guy.


I think including a link to this thread was completely not necessary. Why go so overboard?


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## happy as a clam

3Xnocharm said:


> I think including a link to this thread was completely not necessary. Why go so overboard?


Maybe to prove to IW that he really has no feelings left for his GF?

(I don't know about this "strategy", Hoosier. Do you really want the IW finding and reading all your other threads?)

:scratchhead:


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## Hoosier

Good Call Happy. But I am actually a pretty open book, I think. I don't have any posts to be worried about. Only involved one is when I discovered my xf's affair, soon after finding this website when I googled "My wife doesn't love me anymore". That's from nearly 5 years ago, and all it shows is how hit by a bus a guy can get. 

Over the top? probably, regret doing the link? probably had been better to not even email her, delete it like I did the first one.


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