# Impossible To Win - Setup To Fail



## bevixnz (Nov 22, 2013)

I have spent a fair bit of time over on the ladies forum, reading about what a man should be. I have read many threads outlining how much sensitivity and dominance a man should have and what a good man does.

It's my opinion, that we are damned as men, and I am even more confused now after trying to educate myself.

Have you ever read any of these threads and not felt like you are generally failing at what you are expected to be? Or are these threads not a fair representation of reality?


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

When I read threads like that it makes me want to check out of the game entirely and have nothing to do with women. 

"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You may be confused because not all women want the same things. Of the many things they want (and some they may not consciously realize they want), they want them in different combinations and proportions compared to another woman or group of women. This makes it difficult to find a woman who is a good match in that your mutual wants and needs are mutually compatible. Falling in love with someone isn't that hard, but finding and falling in love with someone truly compatible, is!

Until the last 100 years or so, you didn't have to worry about this, as in most cases you had little or no choice - it was either arranged for you, or there were few options in your community.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Human beings should be honest, considerate, hard-working, respectful and responsible. Doesn't matter what gender you are. If you are those things, continue to be yourself. If you aren't, make some changes until you are a decent human being.

End of story.

Don't let 'rules' about what others think you should be concern you. (With the exception of me of course - HA!)


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

bevixnz said:


> I have spent a fair bit of time over on the ladies forum, reading about what a man should be.


This is your first mistake. Your first port of call when wanting to find out "what a man should be", ought to be other men. 

Learn to be you - to trust in yourself and never try to mould yourself to please others (women and men).

People (not just women) like to spend time around men (and women) who know their own minds, act with integrity and have the courage of their convictions. Do that and you'll be fine.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Failing is how we learn my friend. If you are not failing at something, you have stopped learning. Women despise men that stop learning and stop pursuing things that make them better and stronger. 

Imagine yourself trying to ride a bike and cursing that the lack of the third wheel was doomed to make you always loose your balance and crash! Now I am not saying that a woman is like a bicycle... well... *scratching head* 

It gets better!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

bevixnz said:


> *I have spent a fair bit of time over on the ladies forum, reading about what a man should be*. I have read many threads outlining how much sensitivity and dominance a man should have and what a good man does.
> 
> It's my opinion, that we are damned as men, and I am even more confused now after trying to educate myself.
> 
> Have you ever read any of these threads and not felt like you are generally failing at what you are expected to be? Or are these threads not a fair representation of reality?


As far as I can see, this is the only issue you have. To allow anything outside yourself dicate who you are and what you stand for is to follow the road to ruin blindfolded with your hands and feet bound.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> As far as I can see, this is the only issue you have. To allow anything outside yourself dicate who you are and what you stand for is to follow the road to ruin blindfolded with your hands and feet bound.


I agree. So if you read and follow the above advice you'll follow the road to ruin! Ignorance is the path to success, but only if you don't hear or read about it. :surprise:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

We interpret what we read wrong. Women are telling the truth about what they want but IMO they leave out a lot of details that we're supposed to automatically know.

Let's take 'sensitive' for example. IMO it's woman code for "he cares" and not for being passive, wishy-washy, weak, or scared. If trying to be sensitive makes us clinging or smothering then we do it wrong. If it makes her feel trapped or controlled then we do it wrong. If it let's us get run over and pushed around then we do it wrong. If it trumps boundaries then we do it wrong.


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## bevixnz (Nov 22, 2013)

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

It does seem like women are demanding one set of unattainable standards, and then backing down to reality by cutting some slack in the relationship. 

I am happy with who I am, and I don't really see the need to try and become anything. The issue was seeing such a difference between what women expect and the reality. 

Is this the female equivalent of wanting a woman that looks like a super model, but settling for a normal looking woman?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

The same advice applies for both men and women.... look for a partner who encourages you to fully develop and express who you are. Know yourself. Forget about all the "reviews" of preferred partner behavior. The instant you begin contorting yourself into someone else's idea of perfect; that is the same moment your internal light starts to dim. Kick the game players to the curb at first light. Support your partner to the fullest extent possible and expect the same in return. There must be no one who values your hopes and dreams more than you do. Kindest Regards-


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

You should pay some attention to what women say they want, but pay more attention to how they act and what they respond to.

And remember, reality and expectations rarely match up.

Find ways to always improve yourself and maintain a positive outlook on life and a healthy amount of confidence and self-respect.

All the rest can be managed as needed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> *You may be confused because not all women want the same things. Of the many things they want (and some they may not consciously realize they want), they want them in different combinations and proportions compared to another woman or group of women. This makes it difficult to find a woman who is a good match in that your mutual wants and needs are mutually compatible. Falling in love with someone isn't that hard, but finding and falling in love with someone truly compatible, is!*










... SO VERY TRUE... even when I read what other women look for in a man.. many times I think to myself.. "hmmm I would have that on the bottom of my list!"..... it's true.. we come in all shapes, sizes, sex drives/ views/ kinks, love languages, passions, dreams, beliefs , quirks, fears, insecurities & dysfunctions... some that could drive another crazy.. but someone else over there may invite the opportunity to get in deeper and come to love us, warts & all...and we'd be a better person for it.. 

Some of us are highly romantic, some of us think that's all FLUFF, over rated... some of us are more attracted to a simple man .. some wouldn't settle for anyone who earned less than 6 figures.. some like Tattoos & a rough exterior / a little Bad a**....some seek the tender Family man..

We're all over the map! I'm really happy men are not all the same either ... it keeps it interesting anyway..


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bevixnz said:


> Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.
> 
> It does seem like women are demanding one set of unattainable standards, and then backing down to reality by cutting some slack in the relationship.
> 
> ...


ah you hit on something I left out of my comment; confidence. You defined the kind of confidence women think they're getting until they figure out they're with an arrogant jerk. Let's face it, arrogance and confidence look very similar for a while. But a jerk is not what they were looking for. It's just what they sometimes end up with. You really have to be willing to go it alone and be okay with it. That's the kind of confidence that let's people choose to be around you and that's what most people want; personal choice.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> ah you hit on something I left out of my comment; confidence. *You defined the kind of confidence women think they're getting until they figure out they're with an arrogant jerk. Let's face it, arrogance and confidence look very similar for a while. But a jerk is not what they were looking for. It's just what they sometimes end up with. * You really have to be willing to go it alone and be okay with it. That's the kind of confidence that let's people choose to be around you and that's what most people want; personal choice.


Inevitably EVERY SINGLE LIST of what a woman wants will have this thing called *CONFIDENCE* on it -in the top 5 or so.. I usually leave it out ...or If I do add this to my list.. I put "quiet" in front of the word... because of what you stated right here in this post.. too many of these extroverted playboys are Narcissistic ... it's a shame so many women get suckered.. it's not like men don't do the same thing when they see a HOT woman though!

I look for some humility in a man, this shows he has the the redeeming type of confidence, it's something "inner' -these men do not boast..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bevixnz said:


> *I have spent a fair bit of time over on the ladies forum, reading about what a man should be*. I have read many threads outlining how much sensitivity and dominance a man should have and what a good man does.
> 
> It's my opinion, that we are damned as men, and I am even more confused now after trying to educate myself.
> 
> Have you ever read any of these threads and not felt like you are generally failing at what you are expected to be? Or are these threads not a fair representation of reality?


honestly sir....don't do that. 

Don't let others tell you what you should be. You be yourself and only show interest in those who appreciate you for what you are. Leave the rest for other people. You'll never be every woman's cup of tea. No one is.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The first thing a man needs to realize is that spending your life listening to women about what should make them happy is a no win scenario.

The second thing a man needs to realize is that if you don't like no win scenarios, either don't play the game, or change the rules. (STII: TWOK).

The third thing a man needs to realize is that women are great, but having ambition, drive, honour, loyalty, duty... are all greater. And it's funny how the woman part seems to sort itself out if you keep those things true in your life. 

My wife is part of my life, not my life.


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## bevixnz (Nov 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> The first thing a man needs to realize is that spending your life listening to women about what should make them happy is a no win scenario.
> 
> The second thing a man needs to realize is that if you don't like no win scenarios, either don't play the game, or change the rules. (STII: TWOK).
> 
> ...


Very Interesting.

My wife is my life, just to contrast your own experience.

I'm not shopping for a lady, but more concerned about the clear double standards shown in many threads. I felt bad for the guys that are trying to get their head around it all.

As you say though, I've never had a problem just being myself, rather than conforming to anything I am expected to be.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bevixnz said:


> Very Interesting.
> 
> My wife is my life, just to contrast your own experience.
> 
> ...


You were certainly smarter than me bev. I had to marry young and transform from an arrogant kid into a nice guy / doormat before I figured these things out. I was missing what SA is talking about when she says 'quiet confidence' and many new posters here still are. And now it's particularly frustrating to see other guys making the same mistakes because the advice they need to really listen to sounds so clique. But they're not ready to accept it because they're living by fear.


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