# Anal retentive?



## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

So apparently my husband is obsessed with anal. I mnew he liked it however didnt realize extent of it.. He basically never "gave up" his ex and throughout our marriage had to know exactly what she was up to etc.. He just recently told me its becuz shes into anal and he misses that. I tried it once for him and it felt like rape so didnt wanna do it again.. Then he insisted so i got beads but the whole experience was not comfortable so i told him no more.. Anyways he thinks its a "valid" reason to be obsessed with his ex and tries to make me feel guikty about not wanting it..


I was very open to trying anything and we did explore and experiment a lot.. But he is hung up on this anal business and i find ot so selfish and disgusting!

What do you guys think? Should i have tried harder to "like" it or force myself to go along with it or is he truly the BIGGEST a-hole (pun intended)?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Selfish! Blame shifting! D!ickish! Asshattedness!

Lemme think of some more... Be right back.

Tell your husband to GTFO until he can focus on being a married man. You might want to post in CWI section where they will guide and coach you through setting up boundaries to either get your husbands head outta his ass or getting you set up for a clean break up.


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

Whats cwi?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

No...hold your ground. If he loves you he will not pressure you anymore. You have every right to say no. You were very loving to try it for him but now he has to respect you and stay away from the ex and all her goings on. 

However, could the two of you reach a middle, say a little finger action or rimming that is very gentle? He gets that thrill but has a boundary. IDK, bottom line it's up to you.

Feel free to print all the responses you receive and show them to him for support.

Good Luck


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Sammy21 said:


> Whats cwi?


Coping with Infidelity section here on TAM


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

If he is an experienced anal sex enthusiast, then he knows how to do it so as not to injure you. Going slowly, lubricate etc


maybe he is more of a sexual sadist and likes you being in pain, maybe that's the attraction with the x...maybe she likes pain

regardless, the baloney he's feeding you about u causing him to be infatuated with the x...well it's just that...baloney


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Coping with Infidelity.

Because he is still obsessed with someone else but is married to you. There is an anal thread going in this subforum now so you might want to read it. Then you can search for more posts; there are plenty. 

Do you feel like you don't want to have anal sex anymore? If so, don't do it. I think that's something you shouldn't feel like you owe your spouse, even if you said before marriage you would try it. Because you didn't know whether you would like it or not. I just don't think anal falls in the category of taking one for the team.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is your husband okay with you pegging him? Do you think he'll learn to like that?

It never fails to amaze me how some act like taking anal off the table is tantamount to taking PIV off the table!

If he's agreeable to having a dildo shove up his ass, and can swear that he loves it, then maybe you could entertain him and agree to try again very slowly and methodically.

Some women dig it, other do not. Some men simply have penises that are too freaking BIG to go there! So find a dildo that matches his size and see if he's up for some anal action!

That usually shuts them right up!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Could you elaborate on what you mean by him being obsessed and him needing to know exactly what she is up to?



And how is he figures that interest is linked to her doing anal?



It is nice you gave his interests a try. You shouldn't tolerate behavior that ignores your discomfort/disinterest.



Do you have kids?


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

I had no idea b4 we married that he was into it.. It wssnt till yrs later that he made me try.. And yes we do have kids together.

He is a bit of a womanizer and porn addict snd i spent a good portion of our marriage looking at the type of women he viewed on porn and wishing i was more like them (bigger boobs, smaller boobs, older more mature woman, younger teenager, etc) but the fact of the matter was and is that i cant be aallll of them or any of them i can only be me.. My self esteem was ripped to shreds while looking at all this and we are finally divorcing. Hopefully one day i can look i. The mirror and not think what i could look like differently to make him or anyone love me.. But ill smile and think i love me the way i am. One day.. When im not grieving so much


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

In regards to his ex. He always knew which town she lived in, her eelationship status, when she had kids etc... And they dont currently have any mutual friends. He just felt the need to be connnected constantly....

Then when we went through rough patches he reached out to her, messaging, emotional affair, the whole works. Very very hurtful stuff


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible ordeal. I hope one day you will be with a man who loves you very much and treats you with the utmost respect.

Blessings


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

So, are you leaving the jerk?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

There are things I liked and my wife didn't, so that's that, no forcing or mental anguish. He's being a jerk. You tried, didn't like, shouldn't be an issue


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dump him. Lots of guys are curious about anal sex. But it is something that is unnecessary. A good or even great sex life does not require it.


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I honestly can not believe that any man would actually end a relationship over this - no matter how much you loved it. Who knows, men are freaks so maybe it's possible. Either way, I think the bigger issue is the lack of fidelity toward your relationship. He has no respect for healthy boundaries - literally. No woman should ever have to put up with nonsense like this stuff. I think all guys are a bit kinky and that's fine. But if don't reveal before marriage then don't come crying later. I made sure to tell my wife my stuff ahead of time and make sure it was in her toolbox so to speak. The porn stuff sounds like you are terribly self-critical. Please try to be compassionate with yourself. Honestly, even models think they are unattractive. I don't think I am very handsome, but women seem to think I am so I stop trying to talk them out of it. I think when people like you - you just become more attractive. Believe me no guy thinks beneath your sweater your secretly 98lbs - we get it. If we were not attracted to you we would not have asked you out. That's just the way men are wired. There is someone for everyone - don't be your own personal c--k blocker. You sound like you have an open mind ad want to please your partner. That is a very attractive quality in any women. In regards to your original question. My wife and I tried anal once and as soon as I was in her she winced and said "Take it out!" That is what's called - one trial learning. I never wanted to do it again because I don't want to do anything that hurts her in a way she does not want to be hurt  I do like putting a finger tip in when she is on top and she is fine with that. I am not judging if a guy wants something in his butt. That's totally fine - it's just not for me. I really wish you good luck going forward. There are good guys out there just waiting for you to arrive in their life!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

:iagree:

If this was a big thing for him he needed to make that known before ever getting married. To make you feel bad about it now makes him an Ass


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Sammy21 said:


> I had no idea b4 we married that he was into it.. It wssnt till yrs later that he made me try.. And yes we do have kids together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...







You can and you will.



I just read a short but very-helpful-in-this-regard book called "Love yourself like your life depends on it". Worth a look, imho.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Sammy21 said:


> In regards to his ex. He always knew which town she lived in, her eelationship status, when she had kids etc... And they dont currently have any mutual friends. He just felt the need to be connnected constantly....
> 
> 
> 
> ...







That is hurtful stuff. I am sorry.





When it comes to his complaints in the sex department, etc., consider the source. He is trying to convince HIMSELF of something because he is losing you through the divorce.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

If your not into it, your just not into it. He has to find a way to deal or it might be better to tank the relationship. A person that has an anal fetish will not just let it go. Trust me on this, I have an anal fixation myself. The womanizing and porn use is a huge red flag, lots of girls out there dont mind coming off of the backdoor, in time he will seek one out and cheat. Anal sex is not something that you just learn to like, either you do or you dont. And it sounds like you dont, best of luck.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sammy21 said:


> What do you guys think? Should i have tried harder to "like" it or force myself to go along with it or is he truly the BIGGEST a-hole (pun intended)?


Nope, I think you deserve great credit for being open to try it at all. I do not blame anyone for having their kinks but he should have put that on the table before marriage. 

Obviously he made you feel degraded in order to manipulate you into doing anal and that makes him an A-hole.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

To me staying so involved in what was going on with the ex is a huge red flag. Either he's not over her or at some level he's in competition with her. Either way it's not healthy.

I know for me the less I know about my ex the better. If it wasn't for the fact we had kids together I would have packed up and moved to the either side of the country just to reduce the possibility of running into her.


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## groovebaer63 (Jan 9, 2014)

Hi Sammy,
My personal opinion: anal or not anal is not really the question. As it was mentioned in another reply to your post: you future ex is not over and done with his previous ex. Don't start to blame yourself; don't start to compare yourself to pornstars, that's not getting you anywhere. My personal experience is (it is, I like watching porn - but nobody can compare to my wife, I like anal and if my wife initiates it we do it) - if he doesn't desire you the way you are and if his primary goal in sex his not to give you all the pleasure, he's a selfish jerk and the one to be blamed for the mess. I mean you even went as far as trying it!
Best of luck - get rid of him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When you're that obsessed with a single sex act, it seems like it's the kind of thing you'll get sorted out before marrying someone who's going to take it off the table forever. Because of that little factoid, I'm going to guess that his obsession with the ex is not really about the anal sex he claims she loved.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm not a good person to be talking about anal, because the thought of it is repulsive to me. I really don't get it at all.

But, being charitable to those that like it, I agree with above poster that (his other sins set aside for the moment), that those who really like anal need to tell their spouses beforehand that they like it and deal with it before marriage or else shut up afterward if it is that disagreeable to the spouse. This is not something that is part of the marriage contract like regular sex in my opinion.

btw, one of my ex's had a narcissist husband who was obsessed with anal and tried to get her to do it. She would always tell him 'no way!', so he drugged her one night and did it and put her in the hospital.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> I'm not a good person to be talking about anal, because the thought of it is repulsive to me. I really don't get it at all.
> 
> But, being charitable to those that like it, I agree with above poster that (his other sins set aside for the moment), that those who really like anal need to tell their spouses beforehand that they like it and deal with it before marriage or else shut up afterward if it is that disagreeable to the spouse. This is not something that is part of the marriage contract like regular sex in my opinion.
> 
> btw, one of my ex's had a narcissist husband who was obsessed with anal and tried to get her to do it. She would always tell him 'no way!', so he drugged her one night and did it and put her in the hospital.


Is he in jail?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Is he in jail?


should he stuff he did.have been in jail, but no he never did. he was an extreme abusive narcissist but the unfortunate part was she was codependent with him (she was his victim). She only divorced him after he put her in the hospital for the 2nd or 3rd time. she had a police report on the incident but didn't file charges at the time. She started a civil lawsuit against him after the criminal statue ran out. In the early days, she was afraid for her life and i would stay with her with my .45 auto next to the bed to make her feel safe.

Even after her divorce and meeting me, she would every now and then obsess over him. Sometimes I would have to pull her out of it and remind her the stuff he did. I discovered too late after a few years that her codependence was pathological.
She wanted to meet up with him, i discovered. every once in a while she would spout off that 'he's the father of my children!"

Yeh, but he is a SOB who should have his @ss kicked to within an inch of his life. She passed away. He's still around, free


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