# Re-writing history vs. the truth?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

After having read the thread "My wife didn't love me", I started thinking about this. 

In my own situation, on D-day, my exb/f told me that he "_always_ thought of us as 'friends-with-benefits" (which frankly, is how we started out...). But he also told me that he loved me during the course of our relationship, and he told me that he was "in love" with me only 10 days before he dropped the bomb that he was having an EA. 

His AP also claims that she "never loved" her husband (of 10 years and 2 kids later). 

I know that many people who have affairs tend to re-write history. But I also understand that there are people who, for self-serving reasons, REALLY WERE NEVER "IN LOVE" WITH THEIR PARTNER in the first place. 

How do you know what the truth is? 

Vega


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vega said:


> After having read the thread "My wife didn't love me", I started thinking about this.
> 
> In my own situation, on D-day, my exb/f told me that he "_always_ thought of us as 'friends-with-benefits" (which frankly, is how we started out...). But he also told me that he loved me during the course of our relationship, and he told me that he was "in love" with me only 10 days before he dropped the bomb that he was having an EA.
> 
> ...


OK. Let's analyse part of what your post in this way. Imagine that your ex's AP is writing to an agony aunt:-

"Dear Agony Aunt. I was married to my husband for ten years. We had two children together. But I never, ever loved my husband. What should I do? From Hopeless Idiot"

The reply from the agony aunt:

"Dear Hopeless Idiot. First, you should quit lying. You loved your husband. But then you stopped because you allowed yourself to fall in love with another man."


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> OK. Let's analyse part of what your post in this way. Imagine that your ex's AP is writing to an agony aunt:-
> 
> "Dear Agony Aunt. I was married to my husband for ten years. We had two children together. But I never, ever loved my husband. What should I do? From Hopeless Idiot"
> 
> ...


Wow MattMAtt I had to laugh at this reply! Just never thought about writing to Aunt Agony I enjoy your keen wit.:lol:


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Love it MattMatt!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Cheaters will rewrite history for their benefit. The rewrite does not have to true or factual, the rewrite only needs to serve their purpose. Most of the time I find the rewrite of marital history is only to make the BS look like a bad person. With a new history the BS should look and feel like the total problem in the marriage.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

arked said:


> Cheaters will rewrite history for their benefit.


Reminds me of the so called fraud triangle where all three have to be present.

1. A perceived unsharable need

2. A perceived opportunity

3. Rationalization


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vega said:


> I know that many people who have affairs tend to re-write history. But I also understand that there are people who, for self-serving reasons, REALLY WERE NEVER "IN LOVE" WITH THEIR PARTNER in the first place.


I would have to say that re-writing the marital history is true in just about every case except this type of affair: Where the cheating partner has divorced/broken up with their ex, but marries a new partner (who becomes the BS) because he/she is more stable, then cheats with their ex because he/she has never really gotten over the ex. In this type of affair, the betrayed partner was simply the rebound partner, and the cheater never really loved him/her. Here's an example: Guys, please help!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

arked said:


> Cheaters will rewrite history for their benefit. The rewrite does not have to true or factual, the rewrite only needs to serve their purpose. Most of the time I find the rewrite of marital history is only to make the BS look like a bad person. With a new history the BS should look and feel like the total problem in the marriage.


I would slightly disagree with this.

I think the primary purpose of rewriting history is so that the WS can live with him/herself.....they know they have done wrong and need to justify it to themselves so that they can sleep at night (and also so that they can face their friends). The BS is collateral damage in all of this. The fact that the re-write just rubs salt in the wound is completely lost on the WS, who believes their re-written history and doesn't have the empathy to think about anything from the BS's perspective (they avoid that too because it would only highlight their bad behaviour).


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I would slightly disagree with this.
> 
> I think the primary purpose of rewriting history is so that the WS can live with him/herself.....they know they have done wrong and need to justify it to themselves so that they can sleep at night (and also so that they can face their friends). The BS is collateral damage in all of this. The fact that the re-write just rubs salt in the wound is completely lost on the WS, who believes their re-written history and doesn't have the empathy to think about anything from the BS's perspective (they avoid that too because it would only highlight their bad behaviour).


QFT. Cognitive dissonanse makes it painfull when people act different from their own values and self image. Self justification and rewriting are coping mechanisms.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> I would have to say that re-writing the marital history is true in just about every case except this type of affair: Where the cheating partner has divorced/broken up with their ex, but marries a new partner (who becomes the BS) because he/she is more stable, then cheats with their ex because he/she has never really gotten over the ex. In this type of affair, the betrayed partner was simply the rebound partner, and the cheater never really loved him/her. Here's an example: Guys, please help!


I can't help but think this is the exact type of scenario that I have been in for my entire marriage and she does hid the specifics from me until I "discovered" them.


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