# Text to my separated husband.....



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

I know u don’t want to answer me but I feel it’s time for me to pull away as none of how I’ve acted or done these past two months have made anything better at all...if anything worse. I know I am strong down there somewhere but it is hard to lose the one person u had to love, lean on, talk to about everything and anything, plan a future, go on vacations with together, look forward to spending time together on weekends, laugh with, even argue with, getting kisses goodnight and good morning before u leave for work, sex with, even shopping for and cooking and doing laundry and getting your clothes together for u for your next hard day at work. I didn’t mean all the horrrible things I said this week they were out of anger completely. U are more of an man than I will find anywhere else. U have been always thoughtful and the most amazing man I had for my adult life. Yes I did always put u above all other women’s husbands as I believed u only had eyes for me and nobody else. We have always been in sync with our decisions on what our next move was whether good or bad and supported each other through them. Yes we have had some tough times as everyone does and of course nothing is perfect. But now I need to leave u alone and get work on myself to be the old me from before. I need to put me first now and not be bothering u all the time. This craziness of me being up down and all around is too much for anyone to handle and especially for u when all you’re doing is working your ass off and at the end of a long day u don’t need me crying, begging and pleading with u. I know deep down I have more self worth than what I’ve been doing. I’ve become this negative needy woman who I do not recognize at all. It is extremely unattractive to everyone around me and also to myself. It’s time for me to work on me and become that confident woman who had self esteem. I also need to stop overthinking and over analyzing everything u say to me. Yes I do blow everything completely out of proportion and I’m honestly also sick of it cuz this is not me whatsoever. Time for me to tough the **** up and not be childish and immature as **** with you. It was just scary to hear what u said on Tuesday. I know it’s there I just have finally came to the conclusion I cannot do this all alone and need professional help. It is not normal for me to be the way I’ve been at all. I feel maybe I love u too much and need to focus on me and learn to love myself as much as I do u. From here on out I will not initiating texting or anything with u unless of course there is an emergency. I’ve been pushing at u way too much and spending all of my energy on finding any sort of way to get u to bring u back to me. I need to use that energy on me. I do hope u will forgive me for all the horrible manipulative **** i now see that I have done to u for my own personal gain without giving u time to hopefully heal from the pain I’ve caused u. I hope u can find it in your heart to give me some time to accomplish all of this and to forgive me. I’m sure this won’t be easy at all but it has to be done. I am no good to anyone right now whatsoever. I will be here for u if u want to talk about anything at all but it is time for me to stop trying to communicate with u as much as I can if that’s not what u want. I’ve listened to our song a lot and honestly now it means more to me than it ever has. I love u and am so sorry again for all the pain and misery I’ve caused u.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lavender_71 said:


> I know u don’t want to answer me but I feel it’s time for me to pull away as none of how I’ve acted or done these past two months have made anything better at all...if anything worse. I know I am strong down there somewhere but it is hard to lose the one person u had to love, lean on, talk to about everything and anything, plan a future, go on vacations with together, look forward to spending time together on weekends, laugh with, even argue with, getting kisses goodnight and good morning before u leave for work, sex with, even shopping for and cooking and doing laundry and getting your clothes together for u for your next hard day at work. I didn’t mean all the horrrible things I said this week they were out of anger completely. U are more of an man than I will find anywhere else. U have been always thoughtful and the most amazing man I had for my adult life. Yes I did always put u above all other women’s husbands as I believed u only had eyes for me and nobody else. We have always been in sync with our decisions on what our next move was whether good or bad and supported each other through them. Yes we have had some tough times as everyone does and of course nothing is perfect. But now I need to leave u alone and get work on myself to be the old me from before. I need to put me first now and not be bothering u all the time. This craziness of me being up down and all around is too much for anyone to handle and especially for u when all you’re doing is working your ass off and at the end of a long day u don’t need me crying, begging and pleading with u. I know deep down I have more self worth than what I’ve been doing. I’ve become this negative needy woman who I do not recognize at all. It is extremely unattractive to everyone around me and also to myself. It’s time for me to work on me and become that confident woman who had self esteem. I also need to stop overthinking and over analyzing everything u say to me. Yes I do blow everything completely out of proportion and I’m honestly also sick of it cuz this is not me whatsoever. Time for me to tough the **** up and not be childish and immature as **** with you. It was just scary to hear what u said on Tuesday. I know it’s there I just have finally came to the conclusion I cannot do this all alone and need professional help. It is not normal for me to be the way I’ve been at all. I feel maybe I love u too much and need to focus on me and learn to love myself as much as I do u. From here on out I will not initiating texting or anything with u unless of course there is an emergency. I’ve been pushing at u way too much and spending all of my energy on finding any sort of way to get u to bring u back to me. I need to use that energy on me. I do hope u will forgive me for all the horrible manipulative **** i now see that I have done to u for my own personal gain without giving u time to hopefully heal from the pain I’ve caused u. I hope u can find it in your heart to give me some time to accomplish all of this and to forgive me. I’m sure this won’t be easy at all but it has to be done. I am no good to anyone right now whatsoever. I will be here for u if u want to talk about anything at all but it is time for me to stop trying to communicate with u as much as I can if that’s not what u want. I’ve listened to our song a lot and honestly now it means more to me than it ever has. I love u and am so sorry again for all the pain and misery I’ve caused u.



Did you already send the text?

It's going to be very confusing to people to reply to you because you deleted your other posts and thread. I recall your situation. But many might not. If you want, I could un-delete it all so people can see what's going on.

If you are going to do this, pull away to get control of your emotions, doing the "180" might help. There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below. It's a plan for how you interact with him going forward. It will help you get centered emotionally.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Wow, that's a start.


----------



## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Hi Lavender.

That's a moving text. That moment when you realize it's time to stop trying to put the marriage back together and to forge a new path forward.

It's a difficult time and I wish you didn't have to go through it.

Did you actually send this text to him already or just writing it out here for feedback/ideas?


----------



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

A lot has gone on since I did that last post. I start intensive out patient treatment on Monday and it’s three days a week for 3 hours each. I need it as u see from the text I need to pull away from him and concentrate on myself and getting better. He has told my brother in law he wants the same strong woman I used to be and I am nowhere near it. What is a 180??? Yes I have sent that to him. He has told me at this point for him right now he feels this has run its course and the damage has been done to him. I haven’t given him time to breathe and this needs to be done if there’s any hope. He says he still loves me and told me he did cry Tuesday night as I went off the rails and was contemplating suicide. I need help for me. I cannot keep crying and acting as I have for 2 months now.


----------



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

Okay I read up on the 180 and that is exactly what I have to do...for me and for him. He also told me just that this is how he feels at this point and doesn’t mean he isn’t gonna come home at all. But right now it’s time for me to take control and get myself back to the old me. I can no longer do what I’ve been doing. It’s the opposite of what I’ve read everywhere.


----------



## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Maybe it was in one of the other posts... but can you tell us what lead to the separation?

What you're going through is extremely difficult and there's no shame in getting help from professionals. It sounds like you're on the right path there.

Is there anything you're asking the board regarding advice? Or maybe you just wanted to be heard?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lavender_71 said:


> Okay I read up on the 180 and that is exactly what I have to do...for me and for him. He also told me just that this is how he feels at this point and doesn’t mean he isn’t gonna come home at all. But right now it’s time for me to take control and get myself back to the old me. I can no longer do what I’ve been doing. It’s the opposite of what I’ve read everywhere.


It says that it's for a betrayed spouse on how to act towards a cheating spouse as long as the affair is going on. However, it will work in a situation like yours as well.

https://couplestherapyinc.com/act-toward-cheating-spouse/


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LimaTango said:


> Maybe it was in one of the other posts... but can you tell us what lead to the separation?
> 
> What you're going through is extremely difficult and there's no shame in getting help from professionals. It sounds like you're on the right path there.
> 
> Is there anything you're asking the board regarding advice? Or maybe you just wanted to be heard?


 @Lavender_71

This is why I'd like to un-delete your other thread.


----------



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

I really don’t wanna open that whole thing up again. I betrayed him but hiding takin pills behind his back for a. Few years. Told him and went right to rehab April 1st and I’m still clean. He came back after 5 weeks for a month and then he left again 2 months ago Monday. I’ve been pushing him and seeing him and having sex with him but haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now. He has been asking me to get help cuz he wants me strong and all. Thought I could do it myself but i cannot. I’m in so much pain...we’ve been together 26 years our entire adult lives.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Lavender_71 said:


> I really don’t wanna open that whole thing up again. I betrayed him but hiding takin pills behind his back for a. Few years. Told him and went right to rehab April 1st and I’m still clean. He came back after 5 weeks for a month and then he left again 2 months ago Monday. I’ve been pushing him and seeing him and having sex with him but haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now. He has been asking me to get help cuz he wants me strong and all. Thought I could do it myself but i cannot. I’m in so much pain...we’ve been together 26 years our entire adult lives.


There was some things I wanted to comment on that thread but it was going to be a rather long post and I was working so I never got to it, then the thread was gone. 

The short of it is you said some things in that thread that didn't show me you were all that sincere about some things you were saying. There was a lot of minimizing going on but it was subtle. Maybe even unnoticeable to some people, but I'm a first class addict and I saw all of it. In the end I was going to question the sincerity of your scramble to put things back in place. I wonder if it is for yourself to heal, or to keep things from falling apart all around you?


----------

