# I lost my dream job because of my husband, and can't forgive him!



## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Hey everyone,

I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!

Last month, I've had the best opportunity, amazing pay, benefits, amazing team, remote job; exactly what I wanted! It was just perfect and I was so excited about the position!!! I spent 4 weeks for the interview process, conducted design challenges, passed everything and got an offer letter!!! 
I was so happy, so I immediately quit my job after receiving the offer.

BUT

My husband gave me terrible advices that actually led the company to cancel the job offer. And I lost both my old job (because I quit) and this new job. Since then, I've been totally depressed and I blame it all on him and find it very hard to forgive him.

What happened/Context:

I am from France and I came to the united-states 5 years ago. Since then, I've been working as a baby-sitter and I conducted a bootcamp in San Francisco in Web Design. I got my certification and after the bootcamp I got my first web designer job! (in 2020), for 2 years, I was working as freelancer and small companies. Nothing really serious but it gave me good experience for my resume. My last job was a contractor position and I really didn't like the company and was mentally abused by the CEO.

I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. My husband was aware of that; therefore he suggested that I should lie on my resume to get a new job. I first thought that it was not a good idea but *he insured me that they wouldn't check.* Because he is American and has experience working here; I trusted him! So I added to my resume that I have a Bachelor.

While I was still working for the company, I applied to another position which this time was a full-time employee position with a good salary and amazing culture! It was a dream job for me. During the interview process they never mentioned the bachelor so I thought I was good. In fact, I don't think they actually care. They were very impressed about my previous work, my portfolio and my design challenge! They loved me! After 4 weeks of interviews, design challenge... they offered my the position (still didn't mentioned my bachelor at that time). So, I quit and started my onboarding process. They sent me a laptop, an iPhone and I thought I was good to go! At that time, my husband was telling me "see, I told you they wouldn't check".

However, few days after I quit my job, the company used a third party company to conduct a background check and I had to enter all the information (old addresses, education, previous jobs...). I started to freak out (will they check my education?), but my husband told me they wouldn't check the education and that this was only to check my police record. So I asked my husband again, "are you sure?", "should I add the bachelor into the third party website?" and he said* yes,* He also said that they couldn't check my education because I added a bachelor from France (since i from there). And again, I trusted him, I thought he knew what he was talking about. This was the first time I went into this process (all my previous job was contractors and never conducted a bg check), BUT my husband went into this process multiple times before so I trusted him.

So I entered a SECOND time that I have a bachelor into the third party website this time. (that was the second terrible advice).

After 2 days, HR contacted me and told me that they had trouble verifying my Bachelor and asked me to send her a copy of it.

I was terrified, stressed and didn't know what to do. I was so mad at my husband for telling me to put a fake bachelor, *I never lie.* I'm not a liar and being in this position was so stressful to me. I felt so embarrassed.

I kept crying and didn't respond to HR. At that point, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I did was I thought was best. I called the hiring manager and told him the truth. I cried a lot out of stress and he was not expecting that. The first thing he told me was "did you add the bachelor into the third party website?" and of course, I did. He said that unfortunately he can't do much since it is into the background check process now.

I truly believe that if I didn't enter the bachelor a second time, they wouldn't care. Because during the entire process, they never mentioned my bachelor but after I added it into the background check process it was in the system.

The next day, the manager emailed me and told me he had to canceled my offer.

I was *devastated*;, after all the hard work I put into the process, I had nothing left. No job and no new job. I was suddenly unemployed and had to start from the beginning.

I know that it is not entirely the fault of my husband and I the end of the day I made the choice to lie too. But for me, as a foreigner, he was my reference. If we were in France, I will make sure to give him the best advices based on my experience so he can get the best outcome. I know he wanted me to get the job and he did not do that on purpose. But that was such a dumb advice that I don't understand. It's like he didn't think about it and just talked without thinking about the consequences. Because he went into this background check process before, I haven't, so he knows they check everything. But for some reason, he thought they wouldn't for me.

It's been a month now and I can't get it out of my mind. I blame him everyday and I can't forgive him!!!

Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?

Thank you for reading.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Lying always catches up to you sooner or later.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

karole said:


> Lying always catches up to you sooner or later.


I know, I never lie. I hate lying! I just trusted my husband so much and I thought he knew better than me. Now I've learned to listen to myself more often.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> I know, I never lie. I hate lying! I just trusted my husband so much and I thought he knew better than me. Now I've learned to listen to myself more often.


Of course, he thought lying was a good idea. This is the same husband who bangs hookers instead of you, right? 

I'm sorry he got you to wallow in the mud with him. Let this be a life lesson for you, liars have absolutely no integrity in any aspect of their life. I'm sorry you had to learn this the hard way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's always a terrible idea to lie on a resume. It's hard to believe that you did it just because your husband said so. After all, you already know he is a liar right👍 

Use this as a lesson on what not to do next time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!
> 
> ...


I am very sorry that happened to you, but it still falls on you because you did what your husband said you should do which was bad advice. And you got caught. Stop doing what other people tell you when you know better. I hope you'll be able to find another job soon and I know you will because people need help everywhere.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

True story-

IF I ask for my wife's opinion... it's simply that. 

IF I adopt her opinion as my decision.... well it's my decision at that point. I have to own it. 

Life is a ***** sometimes.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I am very sorry that happened to you, but it still falls on you because you did what your husband said you should do which was bad advice. And you got caught. Stop doing what other people tell you when you know better. I hope you'll be able to find another job soon and I know you will because people need help everywhere.


I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> True story-
> 
> IF I ask for my wife's opinion... it's simply that.
> 
> ...


It is my decision, I know. That's why I struggle being mad at him. I keep asking myself "is it fair to blame it on him?". But at the same time, I'm so mad even after a month. Especially that I still didn't get a new job...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

They say pain is a really great teacher. You learned a painful lesson, but you chose to lie. Your husband’s suggestion to lie doesn’t mean you needed to do it. You still knew you were lying. Own your mistakes and all you can do is move forward.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Snoopy2 said:


> It is my decision, I know. That's why I struggle being mad at him. I keep asking myself "is it fair to blame it on him?". But at the same time, I'm so mad even after a month. Especially that I still didn't get a new job...


You can be mad for the 'bad opinion'... totally understandable. But you can't let this escalate. If you are mad about this... TALK TO THE MAN. After he fully understands your side... as it should be obvious... then you gotta get back on the horse and figure out what's next for your career. 

It was a mistake... it won't happen again for you... and you move on.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lesson learned. For the both of you. Both of you were wrong.
I can understand being frustrated and disappointed over the incident, and the resulting outcome.

If you are still holding your husband responsible for the entirety of this outcome after a month, that is definitely on you.
Your ability to pursue and land a job has nothing to do with him. 

Have you stopped to think about what it is EXACTLY that you are angry about?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> You can be mad for the 'bad opinion'... totally understandable. But you can't let this escalate. If you are mad about this... TALK TO THE MAN. After he fully understands your side... as it should be obvious... then you gotta get back on the horse and figure out what's next for your career.
> 
> It was a mistake... it won't happen again for you... and you move on.


I talked to him, he apologized and everything. He said he understand why I'm mad. But right now, I'm interviewing with other companies and all I get is contractor positions again (which is fine, it's still a job) but I can't help myself but compare it to the job I lost. And I keep getting mad at him for it.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Deejo said:


> Lesson learned. For the both of you. Both of you were wrong.
> I can understand being frustrated and disappointed over the incident, and the resulting outcome.
> 
> If you are still holding your husband responsible for the entirety of this outcome after a month, that is definitely on you.
> ...


Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Snoopy2 said:


> I talked to him, he apologized and everything. He said he understand why I'm mad. But right now, I'm interviewing with other companies and all I get is contractor positions again (which is fine, it's still a job) but I can't help myself but compare it to the job I lost. And I keep getting mad at him for it.


Stop comparing. What's done is done. It's not coming back. You have another lesson to learn... unfortunately. 

If you have job prospects... then you are moving in the right direction. 

And who's to say you would have landed the job WITHOUT the credentials you said you had? Have you thought that through?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Stop comparing. What's done is done. It's not coming back. You have another lesson to learn... unfortunately.
> 
> If you have job prospects... then you are moving in the right direction.
> 
> And who's to say you would have landed the job WITHOUT the credentials you said you had? Have you thought that through?


Yes, I've thought about it. I believe I would've got it though. I'm not 100% sure, but they loved me mostly because of the work I produced. Not my experience. It is very common in Tech too, they recognize your talent more than your experience. But again, I can't be sure.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...
> 
> This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.


Regardless of whether they verify things its still lying isn't it. So still wrong. Someone else could have lost out because you lied. 

Appy for more jobs, or maybe ask for your old job back temporarily. Your husband is awful, I have absolutely no idea why you wont leave him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.


But you were asking him if its ok to lie. You say you don't usually lie so why ask him? Surely you already knew the answer. Far more serious is him having sex with prostitutes surely.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Snoopy2 said:


> Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.


I appreciate your candor. So this event is a catalyst that is simply confirming and compounding doubts that you already have about the relationship. That's important to know. 

In terms of the resume debacle, the argument can certainly be made that you already knew the answer to whether or not falsifying credentials was a bad idea, and simply chose to defer responsibility to him rather than yourself.
But it sounds like this is just 'one more thing' that you actually find fault in him over. Is that accurate?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Regardless of whether they verify things its still lying isn't it. So still wrong. Someone else could have lost out because you lied.
> 
> Appy for more jobs, or maybe ask for your old job back temporarily. Your husband is awful, I have absolutely no idea why you wont leave him.


I asked him because he is my reference here. Surely, if he is telling me something it must be because he knows what he is talking about. Same if we were in France, I would give him advices on how to find a job or anything because I am his reference there... That was my reasoning. I know lying is wrong no matter what but at that time I was so desperate to find something else.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Deejo said:


> I appreciate your candor. So this event is a catalyst that is simply confirming and compounding doubts that you already have about the relationship. That's important to know.
> 
> In terms of the resume debacle, the argument can certainly be made that you already knew the answer to whether or not falsifying credentials was a bad idea, and simply chose to defer responsibility to him rather than yourself.
> But it sounds like this is just 'one more thing' that you actually find fault in him over. Is that accurate?


I try to not let my anger affect my reasoning. But yeah, it happened at least twice where I remember clearly that I had the right reasoning but by listening to him it went wrong. I can't remember the other times right now, as I'm thinking, but I know that there was also a lot of small things like that before too.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I asked him because he is my reference here. Surely, if he is telling me something it must be because he knows what he is talking about. Same if we were in France, I would give him advices on how to find a job or anything because I am his reference there... That was my reasoning. I know lying is wrong no matter what but at that time I was so desperate to find something else.


OK so you felt that if they weren't going to check it was ok to make up that you had a certain qualification? Is wanting a job a good enough reason to make something up? We had a friend who lied on a job application. They didn't find out until he had been working there for some weeks and he was immediately sacked because his made up qualification definitely helped him get the job. 

Its interesting that you are far more angry about this than about his serial cheating, lying and deception.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...
> 
> This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.


I understand but now you know he doesn't have the best ethics or advice.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> OK so you felt that if they weren't going to check it was ok to make up that you had a certain qualification? Is wanting a job a good enough reason to make something up? We had a friend who lied on a job application. They didn't find out until he had been working there for some weeks and he was immediately sacked because his made up qualification definitely helped him get the job.
> 
> Its interesting that you are far more angry about this than about his serial cheating, lying and deception.


I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.


Try applying for more jobs and then please think about leaving that awful man. 
Have you thought about going back to France? Presumably you have family and friends there? IT seems you have very little to keep you in the USA now.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Try applying for more jobs and then please think about leaving that awful man.
> Have you thought about going back to France? Presumably you have family and friends there? IT seems you have very little to keep you in the USA now.


I don't want to go back to France, it's all bad memories for me. I leave by myself since I'm 16. I grew up with my grandma who died when I was 16 and my mom didn't want to keep so I was by myself since then, working and studying. Also, I don't have much friends so I'll be in the same situation as here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too *so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.
> *



Let me get this straight - you are questioning *his *ability to think logically? You already know he is a cheater and a liar who has sex with hookers and you are asking for and taking his advice? Alrighty, then. Carry on.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I am going to be straight with ya. In the US, it's more about who you know rather than what you know when it comes to getting a good job. Yes, there are always exceptions. But in my numerous years in the workforce, most people flat out lie or exaggerate skills/experience/education. But most everyone will say I would never do that! 😂

I know of multiple people who were not qualified for a job, but got hired or promoted because they knew the right people. I also know of people who did lie about degrees and have been in their position for years. But none of the positions are those that make critical life or death decisions. 

I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you have found that getting a bachelor's degree will help you land the type of jobs you really want, why not go ahead and get a degree?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.


Your husband is totally shady and dragging you down with him. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought to my future. I'm also a stranger in a stranger land who found myself with no support system when I discovered my exH was cheating. It's not easy, but it's possible to get along on your own if you really want to.

Are you mad b/c you suspect he's outfoxed you to keep you dependent on him and have an edge in negotiating your marriage after his shenanigans?

The fact is you know who he is and what he's capable of, you can't blame him for losing this job. You decided to take his bad advice. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is serious business. Just hope this doesn't follow you around, people talk. 



Diana7 said:


> But you were asking him if its ok to lie. You say you don't usually lie so why ask him? Surely you already knew the answer. Far more serious is him having sex with prostitutes surely.


Denial is not only a river in Egpyt...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is he still seeing escorts?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I also find it extremely odd that you were issued company owned equipment before even finishing the hiring process. Every company I have worked for has held off until your first actual week of work.


Yeah this didn’t make sense to me either.

As others suggested, consider who you put trust into and also you are accountable as to what you follow. If having a degree is required with the type of orgs you want to apply to then maybe that is the lesson learned. Unless you’re able to freelance and get notable clients in your portfolio without that.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Lots of people embellish on their resumes to some extent but, to lie about having a bachelor degree? How thick are you?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> I'm mad at both, ok!! I'm just very confused, lost and devastated. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore... I have nobody to talk to, no family, and I'm by myself in America without a job now.


You just need to start applying for jobs. And you're not going to be able to use that last one as a reference so that's the worst part of it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Snoopy2 said:


> Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? *Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice.* This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...

It's time to grow up and put on the big-girl pants. Create some boundaries that work and you agree to not waver from. Don't even THINK about kids right now. Ohmygosh now. Because you could be on an escalating path of dishonesty, and you don't want kids to appear to rationalize that the end justifies whatever means.


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## Akeath (Mar 9, 2017)

When I was filling out applications, my older sister told me to lie about experience, and that they'd never check. I chose not to take that advice as I filled things out. Even though I was looking for my first job and my sister had been working for several years, so by default I knew she was more of an expert than I was. She would say the same thing to other family members, who also chose not to take her advice. In the end I chose not to lie, because regardless of location common sense tells you lying is wrong and people who have been lied to will react negatively upon finding that out. This isn't a cultural thing, it's true everywhere. And having lived in a certain country doesn't make you responsible for everything that happens here, either. Just like you could still give bad advice to a foreigner about some issue in France, and American can give bad advice about things here in America. Living in a country for a long time doesn't mean you are able to give good advice on any situation that occurs in that country. Human nature and the foibles of the advice giver still need to be taken into account.

You saw a benefit in lying, and so you lied. That's on you. He didn't put a gun to your head and make you do it. You allowed yourself to be convinced to do something you knew was wrong because you thought doing so would benefit you. And you know what makes a liar? The act of lying makes you a liar. The actions you choose to make define who you are as a person. If you don't want to be a liar, then stop lying going forward. Maybe you don't want to face that you've behaved as a liar, and it's easier to be mad at your husband and blame him than it is to admit you chose to lie and own it, deal with the consequences of your choice, and do better going forward. If you aren't getting any other similar jobs, it could be that type of job is screening applicants by degree, and you wouldn't have even been considered based on the truth. Programs screen by degrees and key words all the time before the applications ever reach a real person. I also think that if you called the job in an emotional state and sobbing that also may have had a negative impact, because it made you look unprofessional. 

You have another choice going forward. You can choose to blame your husband and let this affect your marriage. Or you can choose to try and let it go and forgive and own the results of the actions you took. Forgiveness is also a choice, and an action. Just like lying is. You have agency.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry hon but this is on you, not your husband. Of course he shouldn't have lied, but ultimately you're the one who typed in that info. That makes it your problem. Your anger toward him isn't justified.

Harsh lesson to learn.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> If you have found that getting a bachelor's degree will help you land the type of jobs you really want, why not go ahead and get a degree?


I don't have the money.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Is he still seeing escorts?


No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Your husband is totally shady and dragging you down with him. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought to my future. I'm also a stranger in a stranger land who found myself with no support system when I discovered my exH was cheating. It's not easy, but it's possible to get along on your own if you really want to.
> 
> Are you mad b/c you suspect he's outfoxed you to keep you dependent on him and have an edge in negotiating your marriage after his shenanigans?
> 
> ...


I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t have children — with him anyway.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Snoopy2 said:


> I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.


Keep you chin up. The job market in the US is fabulous. Stores are closing early because they don't have employees. Waffle House ("always open") has started closing for lack of workers. Around here, they only do takeout after 8 pm. (Who wants cold eggs to go?)


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't have the money.


I thought so too, but I spoke to an admissions advisor for a school I was interested in anyway. She saw a trend of women going back to school after a divorce to qualify for better-paying jobs and found a way to help me make it possible. I just finished my program, and am looking for a job in my field now.

Look around and make some calls, there are so many great online programs, some are self-paced. You can check out 
Cousera.org for professional certifications and free/low-cost courses if you can't swing college. I'm currently doing one while I job hunt. Sign up for e-mails from them, they send offers periodically, right now there's an offer for $10/month.



Snoopy2 said:


> I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.


I get it, I really do. I'm also looking for remote work. Don't give up hope! Where are you looking? If you're not using LinkedIn, it's one of the top places employees find people. 

People don't understand how adrift and confused you can feel when you are a stranger in a strange land. I'm lucky enough to have my mom here now, but I literally had no other connections here when I left my exH, it was very scary.

Have courage! If you need more info, shoot me a PM, I'd be happy to share anything I can.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

@Snoopy2, the reason you believe you can't make it on your own is because your H is telling you that. The reason he's telling you that is so you'll stay with him and let him continue to cheat, lie and ruin your life. He has to keep you subjugated and submissive and frightened. Walk away. The #1 thing abusers tell their victims is "you can't make it on your own." But they are lying. You CAN. And you should.

It will be a rough time at first, but you'll see that taking care of yourself isn't as hard as he wants you to believe that it is. If you're strong enough to let someone be THIS cruel to you for this long and still have some hope, there is NOTHING you can't do. You have NO idea yet just how strong you are. 💘


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> @Snoopy2, the reason you believe you can't make it on your own is because your H is telling you that. The reason he's telling you that is so you'll stay with him and let him continue to cheat, lie and ruin your life. He has to keep you subjugated and submissive and frightened. Walk away. The #1 thing abusers tell their victims is "you can't make it on your own." But they are lying. You CAN. And you should.
> 
> It will be a rough time at first, but you'll see that taking care of yourself isn't as hard as he wants you to believe that it is. If you're strong enough to let some be THIS cruel to you for this long and still have some hope, there is NOTHING you can't do. You have NO idea yet just how strong you are. 💘


Welcome back!!!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't have the money.


Many people go to college who cannot afford it. They get student loans. They apply for scholarships. They go to school and undertake a work/study programs that gives them an opportunity to earn some money while getting their degree.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> I thought so too, but I spoke to an admissions advisor for a school I was interested in anyway. She saw a trend of women going back to school after a divorce to qualify for better-paying jobs and found a way to help me make it possible. I just finished my program, and am looking for a job in my field now.
> 
> Look around and make some calls, there are so many great online programs, some are self-paced. You can check out
> Cousera.org for professional certifications and free/low-cost courses if you can't swing college. I'm currently doing one while I job hunt. Sign up for e-mails from them, they send offers periodically, right now there's an offer for $10/month.
> ...


I have read many of your posts/comments on TAM, but after reading this one, I just have to say, @TXTrini, you rock, you really do! What an amazing inspiration you are! I am in awe.

One of my favorite “can do” quotes is _“I’ll find a way, or I’ll make a way,” _and you are the human embodiment of that quote. 

To the OP, listen to what TXTrini is telling you. Send her a PM. She has been through similar to what you are going through and much more. She won’t steer you in the wrong direction.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know


Going onto escort sites is because you want to find an escort. Don't be naive.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> Am I wrong to put the blame on him? Am I over reacting?


The wrongness of lying is universal. As a web designer you know how easy it is to find information. Yet you CHOSE to lie.

Your husband gave you bad advice but you are SOLELY responsible for following it. From where I sit you are at fault not him.

Own up to your mistake. Correct your resume to be truthful & go get another job. Everybody & their brother is hiring these days.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know


Keep in mind that cheaters usually only admit to what you can prove (and even then most try to spin it) so it’s not in his best interest to tell you what actually happened. Don’t ever trust him the way you once did. That’s asking for trouble.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> @Snoopy2, the reason you believe you can't make it on your own is because your H is telling you that. The reason he's telling you that is so you'll stay with him and let him continue to cheat, lie and ruin your life. He has to keep you subjugated and submissive and frightened. Walk away. The #1 thing abusers tell their victims is "you can't make it on your own." But they are lying. You CAN. And you should.
> 
> It will be a rough time at first, but you'll see that taking care of yourself isn't as hard as he wants you to believe that it is. If you're strong enough to let some be THIS cruel to you for this long and still have some hope, there is NOTHING you can't do. You have NO idea yet just how strong you are. 💘


You know, this might very well be the case, but it's hard to discern sometimes.

I've had many people ask me over the years (my therapist, doctors mostly) if I was abused, and I always said no. Sometimes it's so insidious you don't realize it, but neglect is emotional abuse. It eats away your confidence and self-esteem and makes you feel trapped. I became afraid of doing anything new, to the point where I don't feel comfortable leaving my house often, so I do everything remotely. I'm still working on that. 

@ Snoopy 
You're younger and hopefully haven't gotten to that point yet. Do you agree that it's a good idea to make some moves towards self-improvement now? 

You and your husband are in therapy, right? So presumably you're working in your relationship? Would he support you while you're going to school? Even if you decide to stay, it would put you in a less tenuous position in the future but improve both your lots. Win-win. 

Also, you could indicate your enrollment in your program on your resume(when you are!), some jobs offer tuition reimbursement as a perk. My ex didn't support me going back to school, or him (dumb me offered to do an online degree for him to further his career), there were all kinds of excuses and I believed him, b/c I had no reason not to (before I knew about his crap). 

I know this seems really scary, but, I've made drastic moves, and every step of the way a stranger helped me. If you're religious at all, you might feel a sense of "rightness" when you act at times. People will help you if you ask and act. I'm still amazed at how doors open every time I want to give up. It's been a really hard journey, but worthwhile.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

EI said:


> I have read many of your posts/comments on TAM, but after reading this one, I just have to say, @TXTrini, you rock, you really do! What an amazing inspiration you are! I am in awe.
> 
> One of my favorite “can do” quotes is _“I’ll find a way, or I’ll make a way,” _and you are the human embodiment of that quote.
> 
> To the OP, listen to what TXTrini is telling you. Send her a PM. She has been through similar to what you are going through and much more. She won’t steer you in the wrong direction.


Wow, thank you. This came at a truly opportune time for me and means the world to me. 

It sure as heck doesn't feel that way sometimes, but what's the alternative, you know?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Snoopy2 said:


> No. And he told me that he never actually did it when I confront it him. I don't know if it's true because I saw that he went on escort sites while I was away so... I don't know


You already know he has a history of being deceptive to get what he wants, and has advised you to do so as well, to your detriment. Of COURSE he's lying about this now too.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yeah sorry your husband doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Every company in the Bay Area runs background checks and will verify all educational degrees. He gave you incorrect information.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At one time, long ago, you could get away with that sort of thing (depending on where in the U.S. you lived) but it’s less common now. You learned your lesson about relying on your husband so work on a plan for your next job and move on.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yeah sorry your husband doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Every company in the Bay Area runs background checks and will verify all educational degrees. He gave you incorrect information.


My exH actually did this (a few months before DD), I was horrified and asked why the heck he thought that was a good idea and who advised him to do that. 

The kicker is... he was a hiring manager and knew better. Some people don't care, they do what they want to get what they want.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> I need to get this out of my mind! It's so hard!
> 
> ...


Your husband is either stup** (or) not sincere with you. 

You should know better as well.

Do give him a piece of your mind. Tell him that you are absolutely disappointed in him, have doubts about his sincerity, and your tolerance have limits. Tell him that this a warning and he should heed it. 

About your resume - highlight (and magnify) your skills but be truthful about your academic credentials in it. 

Companies *will* double-check your academic credentials - always.



Snoopy2 said:


> I do think a lot about my future! But right now, I depend on him, I can't leave (unless I want to be homeless) I don't have anywhere to go. I am applying for new jobs but it's not that simple.


1. Continue to look for a suitable job and do not miss another opportunity.
2. You can explore Freelancing options to earn extra bucks - if feasible.
3. Make a Savings Plan when you are earning.

You should consider improving your academic credentials [at a later stage] - getting a Bachelor's degree for real. Self-development is important consideration. If expenses are a concern then check scholarships in your area.

Scholarships by State (studentscholarshipsearch.com) 

Some scholarships may have stringent terms and conditions (e.g. job might not be permitted). Freelancing will be helpful in this case. But it would be better to have some savings beforehand.

Best wishes.


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## pawelh (6 mo ago)

I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...

This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Snoopy2 said:


> Honestly, I'm really angry by the fact that he gave me foolish, irrational advices and that I personally wouldn't do that. I thought he was an intelligent man and I thought that asking him advices was a good idea but now i'm doubting his intelligence and his reasoning. If he gave me foolish advice now, what is gonna be when we have kids? Especially, that this is not the first time he gave me bad advice. This one, was the biggest but he gave me bad advices before too so now I'm questioning his ability to think logically.


It only sounds like your blame shifting to lay it all on your H to ease your own acceptance of any responsibility. 
Very immature.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

pawelh said:


> I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...
> 
> This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.


It's almost 4 months later & you are now posting under a different name but at this point if you still don't have a job that is YOUR fault. If you fixed your resume so it was truthful & sent it out, you would have a job. Your skill set is in high demand. 

It's not solely your husband's fault. Yes he gave you bad advice but even at the time you thought what he was saying was questionable, yet you did it anyway. That is on you. You didn't have listen to him. He didn't have a gun to your head. The bigger question now is why haven't YOU done anything to correct the situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pawelh said:


> I know, I thought that he knew the process so I thought maybe in America it is different. I kept telling him that in France they would definitely verify it, so I kept asking him "are you sure?" but he was saying "they are not going to verify it especially because yours is from another country". Turns out, it's very common to have a bachelor from another country and background check can verify almost anywhere or simply ask you a copy of it...
> 
> This was definitely a lesson but now I don't have a job and I depend on him now. But I'm so mad at him and I can't forgive him and I don't know what to do.


Why are you using a new account? I will need to merge your two accounts. Which username do you want to keep?


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