# Trouble with trusting



## marriedandexpecting (Mar 13, 2011)

I am not sure where to post this question so I am hoping this is the right place. I am 30 years old and remarried to a man 6 years younger than me. I have two children from a previous marriage (girls- 8 and 12). The reason my ex-husband and I divorced is because he had a 2 year long affair with my mother (yes, you read that right). Needless to say, it was devastating. 
My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. He has always been very mature and the age difference is not even noticeable.
My problem is that my oldest daughter, who had trouble adjusting at first, is now very affectionate toward my husband. At first it seemed okay, and didn't make me uncomfortable, but months have passed and it has only gotten worse. She literally hangs on him. She is always hugging him and one night even asked if she could lay in bed with him when I was already asleep. Of course he said she was old enough to sleep in her own bed, and his affection toward her seems normal and healthy, but I feel more and more uncomfortable. Once, in a restaurant, she even put her head on his lap. 
He and I have discussed this issue and he says sometimes it is awkward. He told me that once when we visited him at work and she was hanging on him, someone at work made a comment insinuating she was his girlfriend and that she looked very young. He says he does not want to make her feel bad or reject her- but does at times feel like it is a little too much. I spoke with her about it once and tried to explain what may feel ok to her at this point, may not when she is a bit older, and that there is appropriate touching and inappropriate touching. I know in the past, my husband used to look at porn and when I checked his history he had specifically looked up teens. This fact irks at me day in and day out. I feel like WHAT IF he is (or becomes) attracted to my daughter.... 
I do not know what else to do, and I don't know if I am just reading into things because of my past with my ex and him having no boundaries with someone related to me. I should also mention I am 7 months pregnant and emotional. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. :scratchhead:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't know what you are asking here but let me ask you a question - who is the adult in this situation? Who is looking out for the proper care an development of this young girl? Why is it so difficult for you to exert your responsibility as the authority and parent. Stop sitting on the side lines and take charge, your daughter does not know what she is doing is inappropriate. She may have a crush on you husband, it is not unheard. 

Simply tell her that you bed is off base for the kids, that now she is getting older she needs to learn about personal space and good versus bad touch. I don't know how to handle the crush thing maybe you should consult a professional for help. Give her extra attention make plans for just the two of you to spend time together every week take her to do something special. She sounds like she is not getting enough special attention from you.

At any rate,take charge, instruct your daughter about what is appropriate and make sure she does not transfer her need for affection in another inappropriate direction. What about her father where is he dies she see him. Does she know about the affair and has she gotten any therapy. I think she may need some intervention. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedandexpecting (Mar 13, 2011)

Thank you for your reply. I have spoken to her, as I have mentioned, about appropriate and inappropriate touching. That hasn't seemed to help. Her father sees them on weekends, and I don't see (although I am not with them the whole time) the same sort of affection with her Dad. The children do not know about the affair (and I would like to keep it that way), and yes, they have both been to individual and family therapy (once a week with each therapist). At the time we were in counseling, the family issues were related more toward her not wanting to accept him as her step-father, which is why the sudden change in her behavior is surprising.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Talk to your husband. Tell him to make sure to PARENT her. Or he can hit the bricks and be creepy somewhere else.


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