# ok a little bit confused but doing better



## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Hey. Ok so ill try to keep this short. Been with now xh for 9 years married 7 2 kids 6 and 5. He has some serious issues with running away. Anytime a job went wrong he left. When something went wrong in our relationship he left. Sometimes for an hour sometimes a few days. I always begged him to come back at first. Then he would come back begging for me to give him another chance. Which I always did. Two years ago he had an affair and we separated. I was devastated. Ended up in hospital after suffering a stroke through it all. He told me there was literally no chance of him ever coming back. We were done. He didn't love me and that was it. I wasn't willing to give up. Stupid maybe but hey he was my world. I opted for the 'friends' route. Showed him I could change (I have depression) but didn't ask him back again. My god he loved this. I was still his best friend but he could do whatever he wanted. He took his stuff and had gone but ended up back on our settee when he got kicked out of his dad's (which always happens) after 6 months he begged me to take him back. After a lot of discussion I agreed. We talked everything through. We have had a good two years. But the affair was still am issue as I didn't have closure on it. So yes I doubted him had trust issues etc. Funnily enough about 3 weeks ago realisation hit. I was over it it didn't bother me anymore. We could move on. Until... 1 week ago he sits me down, it's not working, he loves me always has always will but damage was done by him that he doesn't think we can get past. He hasn't really forgiven himself and I admit it had been used as a weapon in arguments, which is normal surely until you have closure and it no longer becomes an issue. He leaves. The next day he returns for some things takes mainly work stuff he cries I cry a bit. He assures me he loves me was doesn't think we can try again he doesn't think that I have got past everything as I have said numerous times before that I would change my moods etc. He doesn't think I can and that we will end up hating each other. He leaves asking if he can speak to the kids on the phone as often as poss. I agree. The next day he texts me asking how kids are. I don't hear my phone as daughter is playing on it, so he texts again. Then rings asking why I haven't replied. He speaks with the kids then asks for me and tries to drag out the conversation with pure crap really. Next day he wants to come collect some stuff. He does but takes his whiskey cos he can't sleep. Next day he comes for his sleeping tablets. Next day he rings for kids and after 2 min asks to speak to me. Same scenario talking about rubbish. This whole time I have told him I will not be his friend and will only be civil for the kids. I have never done this before. He comes round again and I ask if we can talk. So that I can get things clear in my own mind. We talk he tells me he does love me and that the mood issues and doubt are the only things keeping us apart. If they weren't there we would still be together. I don't cry at all. I just say ok well when I have improved myself for me it will be your loss. He leaves. He is Still texting once a day about kids but I am giving minimal effort in my replies. He came to get more stuff but again took very few things. 

He is doing his best not to argue with me and be nice but the more I am been happy but non committal with him he is getting more down. He is unhappy at his dad's and they will kick him out again. He knows that. He has few friends whom he has not been in touch with at all. They are joint friends so one of them knows because I told him. But no one has heard anything from xh himself. He isn't going out works 16 hours a day and has nothing now. I was his best friend, I did literally everything for him and now that has all gone. The way I am acting has really thrown him. I have never acted like this before ever. I feel better though. I still love him but I'm ok. Yes I would maybe consider him coming back again but not until after a lot of work on his side and time. Funny thing is he is still wearing his ring. He had 2, his original which got lost so we got a new one. Then found the original ring which went back on his wedding finger and he wore the 2nd ring on his right hand. He always takes them off when he does his leaving thing. But he is still wearing the one on his right hand?? Sorry it's long but wanted to give as much info as poss
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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

He's one of those people who thinks 'the rules' don't apply to him.

Rules of marriage,, rules at his dad's house.

Some people are arrogant about it,,, yours is a sympathy seeker. "Woe is me. I have issues. I'll try to change."

All the trips to pick stuff up are to 'monitor' you cuz you've changed,, and to evoke your sympathy at poor old him moving out again - while leaving plenty behind so it's not too much hassle to move back again.

It's a subtle form of manipulation that preys on your sympathetic nature.

See it for what it is and you'll make wiser decisions about what to do.
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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> He's one of those people who thinks 'the rules' don't apply to him.
> 
> Rules of marriage,, rules at his dad's house.
> 
> ...



Thank you. We had arranged when he would see the kids over Christmas yesterday. He said he was happy with what was arranged.he then goes back to his dad's house. Today I get a phone call saying that he wants the kids more over Xmas even though he had been happy with seeing them on Xmas eve, Xmas day morning and the 27th. He says he wants them longer on Xmas day and on boxing day. I say that he will see them most of Xmas day morning and I can try to arrange for him to have them for a bit on boxing day. He says it's not enough and he has rights too. I try to explain that I have not tried th stop him seeing them at any point and I am trying to accomodate him wanting them more over Xmas but we already had plans that I shouldn't have to change completely because he chose to leave. He hangs up. Then texts me saying by the way I've filed for divorce. I reply saying thank you for telling me through text.

He rings me saying he couldn't tell me over the phone because of my tone. I ask him what he means and he says I'm acting like I don't care anyway when he talks to me. I ask him for the company name and the grounds of divorce. He can't remember the name but is going for unreasonable behaviour!

I ask if this unreasonable behaviour is some arguments that we have had about lack of trust he says yes and if it wasn't for that we would still be together!

We have agreed to sit and discuss everything that went wrong and come up with ways to prove how it couldn't be fixed. He's going to need that for court.

His argument is ridiculous. I know his dad has said something to him about seeing the kids and the divorce. They don't like me at all. And he obviously angry that I am not reacting as he thinks I should. How can he think I don't care?? He is once again trying to hurt me. He has had plenty of chance to tell me that he wanted a divorce. It's all rubbish. Oh and he was still wearing the ring yesterday???
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