# Struggling with Anger, Depression, and Resentment



## Octavia4 (Sep 30, 2015)

I am going through the process of divorce with my husband of 10 years. I moved out six months ago after we had clashed on a number of financial issues (namely that I found out he had gotten us $10,000 in debt to the IRS and tried to hide it from me), but we continued to date, have sex, and try to make things work. I figured maybe we were one of those couples that worked better living in separate spaces and having separate bank accounts. We decided to divorce at the end of September when I found out that he was planning to change citizenship and move to Mexico in order to avoid paying for health insurance on political principle - regardless of whether or not I planned to go with him. I'm not. And I am done. 

I'm not struggling with the decision to leave anymore. I am struggling with some of the side effects of being single. 

At first, I pushed myself to go to parties with my friends to keep up social ties and keep me from crying and drinking alone in my apartment. I don't talk about my divorce with anyone other than very close friends, but word has gotten around. I've had three male acquaintances (one married - ugh) ask me out in a way that felt forward, poorly timed, and frankly offensive. And no, I'm not flirting, dressing provocatively, or trying to draw attention to myself. I'm grieving and not in any mood for dating - but there seems to be some unspoken rule that if you're a divorced woman, you're easy prey. I've heard other women tell me the same thing happened to them when they first divorced. I'm told there's even a couple good country songs about it. I should just brush it off, but something about these interactions pissed me off so much, I've been avoiding going out again. One of the guys kept texting me enough that friends had to step in and tell him to leave me alone. I don't want the ex back, but I miss the security and protection of having a man and being "off-limits."

Also, the holidays are approaching. I always used to spend the holidays with my ex-husband and his family. His family is wealthy, so Christmas was always a big deal. My family and friends have invited me out to California to spend Christmas with them. The fact is, I can't afford the plane ticket. I maxed out my credit limit on medical bills, apartment deposit + rent, and all the moving expenses from separating. I'll be getting a salary increase at work starting in January, but the fact is, I'm broke right now. I've told the ex about my situation and asked if he would be willing to give me the money for a ticket and he refused - all he offered was to loan me the money so long as I agreed to pay it back in installments. And I'm resentful. At some point in this divorce process, I'll be getting a settlement, but it's not going to come in time for the holidays. And that means I'll have to spend Christmas alone. I don't want to ask my own family for money. I'm sure they would say yes, but they don't make a lot of money and I feel ****ty asking them when my ex's family has so much and my parents have so little - and my brother is already helping me pay for my lawyer so I don't want to take any more advantage than I already have. 

I get that this isn't a big deal. I won't die if I spend one stupid arbitrary holiday by myself. But when I think about him and his family smiling and opening expensive presents while I'm sitting alone in my apartment, I get so angry it chokes me. He was unemployed for years when we were married because his parents supported him - plenty of time for him to search for the perfect job that would fulfill his desires. I spent most of that same time working overtime in a job I didn't like to make up the income difference - and because I knew I couldn't afford to not work. And I know I have myself to blame for staying in a relationship like this for so long - or not putting my foot down and setting limits with him about having him help with rent, etc. And that makes me feel like such a tool. 

Again, I get that none of this is going to me a big deal in the long run. In fact, there's a good chance I'll be in fine financial shape by this time next year and I can make it up to myself with a nice Christmas vacation someplace fun when I'm not such a big ball of depression that I can actually enjoy it. And someday I'll be able to laugh off pushy *********s instead of feeling vulnerable and angry. And maybe some day I'll find a man who is a grownup with money who I can build a future with instead of one who wants to use me. I'll get through all of this. But right now it sucks, and I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Good advice on dealing with these angry feelings would be appreciated.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I moved out last December, one week before Christmas. This was at my husband's request, via email. Once he put those words out there, I got packing and moved out within days. So I had just settled into a small apartment when Christmas rolled around days later. Too late to make any plans or horn in on anyone else's. So I get that part. But I got through it. However, I have never been big on holidays. Will liekly be alone on the actual holidays this year as well, and see friends on the surrounding days. 

It is not the end of the world if you can't get away, though it may seem that way. Especially since you say he has access to money from his family. But I guess for me, being physically out of my (20-year) marriage was important enough, and a relief enough, to make up for spending some time alone. I made sure I had plenty of books, Netflix, good food, wine, my pets etc and I was fine. Good luck in your situation.


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## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Octavia. Your family love you. Don't let your thoughts prevent you from asking their help. You said this money situation is temporary, so ask their help and next year when you are financially set up, you can return the favour.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Octavia4 said:


> Good advice on dealing with these angry feelings would be appreciated.


In the past, I had to deal with all of the above: anger, depression and resentment. I had to be medicated for a while in order to stabilize myself. I would suggest that as a temporary measure to help you move forward. Sometimes the body cannot regulate itself without help. 

If you're feeling stuck, it may be a good idea to see a doctor who can prescribe something, If you feel that you are able to get past this with exercise, a new activity or anything else which can divert your mind, and help generate positive emotions, that would be even better!

Good luck.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Anger, depression and resentment-the three patron saints of divorce.

Of course you feel angry, your STBX is evading legal obligations and skipping out scott-free (for now) while you've maxed your cc on medical bills. Your anger is justified. He also lied and deceived you about your family finances. Anger is understandable. Anger can be your friend if you use it to take action.

Does your settlement safe-guard you from his actions? Make sure you won't be on the hook for his misdeeds.

Depression and resentment often go hand in hand. Absolutely check out meds. If you can't go to your MD for money reasons see if there is a free mental health clinic in your area. Is there a counselor you could talk to? That might help you keep a tight rein on the depression/resentment issue. Are you exercising? That often helps more than folks want to admit.

As for the holidays, Yep, it sucks. Is it possible you could skype with them to be part of the festivities?


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## Octavia4 (Sep 30, 2015)

Seeing the lawyer again this week. Looks like I'll be getting enough in the settlement to cover expenses and I managed to get some emergency relief money to travel out to see family. As for the IRS, we're working on that part. 

Knowing I could see family for the holidays has taken a lot of the edge off, but I'm still filled with a lot of anger and sadness. As for meds, I've been avoiding them, but I have been considering getting a prescription for some Ambien so I can sleep better.


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