# My husband cannot finish?



## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and are currently separated. He had an EA with a chick he met on Facebook who lives in Lebanon (no sex of any kind). Our sex life has not suffered until recently. He has not been able to finish for the last month, and we have tried multiple times. He has feelings for this chick, but has cut all contact off with her for over a month. He however is not in love with me right now, and has said he is purposely not having any feelings so he can "find himself". He says sex does not feel good, and has no desire whatsoever for any kind of sex. Has anyone else gone through this? Is it a mental thing or is it just me? Any advice is appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you say the OW lives in Lebanon, do you mean the country? 

It's not unusual for a person who withdraw sexually during or after an affair, even an EA.

If you are trying to fix your marriage, you might want to start by spending as much time together as possible doing date-like things... even things as simple as going for a walk holding hands, sitting around sipping tea together and just talking about feel-good things. Date nights once a week or so are good to. Try to get 15 hours a week together.

This will help rebuild the connection.


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

Yep, Lebanon as in the middle freaking east. I am having a really hard time with it to say the least. 

I want so badly to do those kinds of things, but he thinks until he fixes himself and figures out what he needs to make himself happy he needs to stay neutral towards me. 

We are in marriage counseling twice a week though, however the counselor keeps calling her a "friend" and wont put much emphasis on the EA.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well at least neither of them was likely to travel to see the other... 

Have you read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley? He might have the best approach for you to take right now.


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

Yep, it is very unlikely they will ever meet, but I don't think he realizes that yet.

I will read that book. I keep wondering why I am desperately trying to hold on to someone who has hurt me so badly. Sex was the only thing left between us besides our kids, and now it is gone too


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mom_of_3 said:


> Yep, it is very unlikely they will ever meet, but I don't think he realizes that yet.
> 
> I will read that book. I keep wondering why I am desperately trying to hold on to someone who has hurt me so badly. Sex was the only thing left between us besides our kids, and now it is gone too


Sometimes life just sucks... it's the truth.

But maybe you can put this all back together and have something better than you had before. One person can change a marriage. When one person changes, the other has to in response. Now you cannot control how they change, but change will happen. Sounds like it could not get much worse then it is right now... so up might be the only way it can go.

If you get the book, don't let him see it.. he'll most likely fight you the whole way if he gets wind of what you are up to.


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. And no, things can't get much worse at this point. I will definitely get that book


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this. Have you thought about physical issues? Does he have low testosterone? I am guessing that you are around 40, so that is not out of the question.

I am sure it is not you. Things wouldn't change that quickly.


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

I actually mentioned to him last night that I would like him to go to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. He is only 32 though, and I am 31. Don't know if that is too young or not for that.

I half think he is going through a mid-life crisis, but I think he is way too young for that too.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

mom_of_3 said:


> I actually mentioned to him last night that I would like him to go to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. He is only 32 though, and I am 31. Don't know if that is too young or not for that.
> 
> I half think he is going through a mid-life crisis, but I think he is way too young for that too.


I don't think it is too young for a mid-life crisis. I personally think that mid-life crises have more to do with the age of the children rather than the parent, but you should be careful that he doesn't latch on to some 'syndrome' or 'crisis' as an excuse. He has to get this sorted out.

If you are open about masturbation ask him about his technique. I had a problem finishing a few years back and I got some advice on my masturbation technique and it sorted my sex life out within a week. 

It turns out that some men slowly increase the strength of their grip until they are unable to orgasm with the 'grip' that their wife's vagina has. I changed my grip and held off on masturbation a bit and things came back, nice and strong. 

Worth a try?


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

He doesn't even have the desire to masturbate, and never has done it in the past. I have never been able to get him to finish that way either. He just does not have the desire for sex at all. 

After his EA that was the only connection we had, and now that is gone as well. I want so badly to help him fix this, but maybe it is not my place to do so.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

mom_of_3 said:


> He however is not in love with me right now, and has said he is purposely not having any feelings so he can "find himself".


This sentence bothers me. It doesn't sound like something a guy would naturally say. I don't know how one purposely avoid feelings either. I'm not much help. Sorry.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

is on any meds or drugs?

is he depressed? 

has this been somewhat of an issue you whole relationship?

I would start working on yourself. do what he is doing find yourself be aloof and not appear too needy for his love. don't be mean or rude just aloof and if he starts to come around then start trying again.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

mom_of_3 said:


> He doesn't even have the desire to masturbate, and never has done it in the past. I have never been able to get him to finish that way either.


Wives don't always know. Husbands can be very discrete about this, and often are because of the embarassment it can create with them and this goes back to stigmas from when they were in school. I'm not saying he is, but don't just discount it.

Edit: If he really has NO sexual outlet and no desire, then my thought is that he really needs to be checked medically, including for depression.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shy_guy said:


> Wives don't always know. Husbands can be very discrete about this, and often are because of the embarassment it can create with them and this goes back to stigmas from when they were in school. I'm not saying he is, but don't just discount it.


:iagree:

times have changed when I was in high school if you admitted to masterbating you were called a ***.

now its tought that most people do it and its even healthy.

so I'm proud to admit that I never masterbate.:smthumbup:

at least on days that end with a Y


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

I know he does not masturbate, he never has. When I had our 3 kids, and a hysterectomy I wish he would of.

He has no desire what so ever, says it doesn't feel good (he says it is just like exercise) when we try it either. I am trying to get him to go to the doctor, considering what he has managed to do to our family and the way he is acting I think depression is very likely. I am dealing with it myself, and got put on an anti-depressant last week.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

mom_of_3 said:


> I know he does not masturbate, he never has.


If this is really true he needs to see a doctor. Masturbation is natural and a medical necessity for men. If he does not ejaculate regularly he is putting himself at risk of prostate cancer.

_New Scientist:

Frequent sexual intercourse and masturbation protects men against a common form of cancer, suggests the largest study of the issue to date yet.

The US study, which followed nearly 30,000 men over eight years, showed that those that ejaculated most frequently were significantly less likely to get prostate cancer. The results back the findings of a smaller Australian study revealed by New Scientist in July 2003 that asserted that masturbation was good for men.

Mens Health:

Leitzmann's findings were that men who ejaculate between 13 and 20 times a month had a 14% lower risk of prostate cancer that men who ejaculated on average, between 4 and 7 times a month for most of their adult life. Men who ejaculated upwards of 21 times a month had a 33% lower lifetime risk of prostate cancer than the baseline group._


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Just to piggyback on what Johnnycomelately is saying, and what I said before. I was married for more than 20 years before I ever admitted to my wife that I masturbated. It's a real shame, too, because it was always a big turn-on for her, and we missed a lot of time when we could have had that as part of our sex lives together. The reason I couldn't admit it was not the word "***" as someone said - I would not have had a problem overcoming that in a heterosexual relationship. It was the stigma that "Real men were satisfied by women, and little 'jack-offs' had to take care of themselves." This is what stayed with me from school. I had a high enough drive that I satisfied my wife, and still had to masturbate, and really did hide it from her for that long. It's not hard to hide.

But that's not a guarantee that he masturbates, either, so I'm not recommending you go marching in to confront him on it.

From the sounds of the other things you said, I think you really might need to look to see if there is something medical that he needs to have taken care of. Sometimes, the wife notices these things before the husband notices them about himself, or maybe she notices before he's ready to admit it. I think this is especially true with depression. Whichever the case is, you may really be noticing a medical problem.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

I don't know quite know what you mean by "cannot finish". If he cannot reach orgasm, the culprit may be anti-depression or other medication. Paxil/paroxetine will do it every time.


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