# "Choose ME or your SISTER"



## anony (May 13, 2011)

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and provide advice...I will try to keep it as short as possible

My fiancee has said to me "Cut off your sister and I don't want her at my wedding. I hate everything about her"

The first time my fiancee met my sister, it was casual and a simple hello. Everything was fine. The second time around I was with my fiancee as I told my sister that we are getting married. My sister didn't have much of a reaction and I got upset. I said what is wrong with a simple congratulations and we began to argue. My sister was upset at the fact that I wasn't involving her in my life and we are not as close as before. It was then my sister began to say to my fiancee things that were not right. For instance "If you cared about our family, you would try to get involved more and get to know us (your husbands family)". It was not nice of my sister to do that and was wrong for her to make assumptions about my fiancee. My sister and I had our differences, but we agreed that we would be more open with each other and supportive. That was the conclusion to that argument and she said to my fiancee to have a fresh start.

After that day my fiancee was very upset and didn't want anything to do with my sister. I understood why cause she doesn't know how she truly is. The stress was really coming onto me so I felt i needed to rectify the situation. I decided to talk to my sister on how she was wrong and out of line that day. I told her that she should apologize to my fiancee and try to mend things. She agreed and emailed her to go out for a drink and talk. My fiancee thought about it, but ultimately refused and said no. At this point, she has now said to me "Cut off your sister and I don't want her at my wedding. I hate everything about her"

That is the story and here is my thinking. I would cut off my sister only for a very good reason. I feel that although she was out of line, she is still my sister and at least deserves a second chance even though she was being a *****. I don't expect them to be best friends, but to just be civil when they see eachother. At this point it's not about choosing my sister or my fiancee.. it's about me marrying a girl that would put me in a situation like this and has a limit to how much she would try for me. This seems to be her best solution and she wants to stand firm on this. I feel like this sort of attitude and how she handled this will definitely effect our marriage, but I love her very much and outside of this problem, everything else is fine. I feel like i'm being reasonable, but sometimes I question myself. What do I do???


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

get out now.. it will only get worse!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You fiancee sounds emotionally immature to me. When someone upsets you the correct response is to handle it like an adult not cut them out. What is she 8 years old? Thats what my girls do with their friends. "I don't like you anymore. You aren't my friend. I'm NEVER talking to you again" Then the very next day they are back best friends. All girls go through that phase but most outgrow it. I don't think your fiancee has.

And I agree this will only get worse if you marry her. I can picture it now she will make demands and threaten all kinds of things to keep you in line. You have no idea what you are in for.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Personally, I think you should refuse to remove your sister from your life. Let your fiancee know that your sister will be at the wedding. Tell her you'd prefer that she try to mend things, but you're willing to accept a civil relationship. Let her know firmly that your stance is final and she's free to decide what to do from here.

If you don't start setting reasonable boundaries now she'll walk all over you and lose respect in the future. Your wife is clearly hurt, but that's her issue. Your sister has tried to mend things so there is no need to remove her from your life. You've done absolutely all you can to remedy the situation, so wash your hands of it. Don't come between the two again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How your fiancé acts to deal with your sister is an indication of how she will deal with you your entire marriage.

Your need to call her on her poor behavior.

Most fiancé's work hard to join a family, not actively work to alienate them.

If I were you, I would take a sober look at what I am preparing to do with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Agreed with everyone else. Your sister isn't wearing rose colored glasses, and she sees that you are being slowly pulled away from the family. She is your sister, she loves you, and wants you to be happy. She wants you to have a spouse that will make you happy. For whatever reason, there are red flags there for her about your fiance. She may have not handled it properly at the time, but it willing to apologize, which has been thrown back in her face......another red flag.

When my sister got married, both me AND her best friend saw her soon-to-be ex for what he was. Her best friend didn't even come to the wedding because she didn't condone it. The past 9 years of her married life have been pure hell for my poor sister. He was manipulative, controlling, and blatantly emotionally abusive. His most recent "episode" was to send her home to visit our parents and then give her a "I haven't loved you for several years, I want a divorce" email. E-MAIL.

So, my point is that you should really try to analyze your situation. If you have ANY doubts. Even the slightest bit, call it off or at least postpone it until you can get them worked out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell fiance. " It's not as simple as chosing her over you. When I marry you you will be the highest person in my life. My loyalty will always be with you over every other person on this earth. But what you are asking me to choose is a life with a permanent unpleasant rift with my family. This will negatively affect our life, our holidays and our support structure. It will negatively affect our future children also. So what I am choosing is not to live a life with a permanent rift with my entire family. That is too much for you to ask of me".


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Tell fiance. " It's not as simple as chosing her over you. When I marry you you will be the highest person in my life. My loyalty will always be with you over every other person on this earth. But what you are asking me to choose is a life with a permanent unpleasant rift with my family. This will negatively affect our life, our holidays and our support structure. It will negatively affect our future children also. So what I am choosing is not to live a life with a permanent rift with my entire family. That is too much for you to ask of me".


:smthumbup:


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Your fiance is being unreasonable. Yes she should come first absolutely. And if your sister had behaved terribly repeatedly I can understand why your fiance would feel that way. However your sister is only human and everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance.

Your fiance is coming off as very unforgiving and very childish. She should have accepted your sisters brave invitation. Your sister has swallowed her pride and done the right thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hicks said:


> Tell fiance. " It's not as simple as chosing her over you. When I marry you you will be the highest person in my life. My loyalty will always be with you over every other person on this earth. But what you are asking me to choose is a life with a permanent unpleasant rift with my family. This will negatively affect our life, our holidays and our support structure. It will negatively affect our future children also. So what I am choosing is not to live a life with a permanent rift with my entire family. That is too much for you to ask of me".


:iagree::iagree:

Perfectly stated.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Agreed. Sister has done nothing wrong. She apologised for upsetting you and extended an olive branch to the fiancee - what more could she do?

Anyone who tries to come between a person and their family is definitely not the one to marry! RUN!


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

anony said:


> She agreed and emailed her to go out for a drink and talk. My fiancee thought about it, but ultimately refused and said no. At this point, she has now said to me "Cut off your sister and I don't want her at my wedding. I hate everything about her"


Wow, did you fiance really say "_*MY*_" wedding. Because if she did that shows a lot about her maturity level and where her head is at. A wedding is suppose to be about two people being joined in front of family and friends. It is not big show for one of those people to get her/his day of glory. It is suppose to be about both of you - not just her. 

Was your sister way out of line? Yes, she was. But at least she was mature enough to try and make things right and reach out to your fiance. Now the question is . . . .is your fiance mature enough to put it behind her and give your sister a second chance? It doesn't look as if she is based on what you have said here. I would give this a lot of thought before going into this marriage. If she acts this way about your sister how is she going to act the first time you get on her bad side?


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Tell fiance. " It's not as simple as chosing her over you. When I marry you you will be the highest person in my life. My loyalty will always be with you over every other person on this earth. But what you are asking me to choose is a life with a permanent unpleasant rift with my family. This will negatively affect our life, our holidays and our support structure. It will negatively affect our future children also. So what I am choosing is not to live a life with a permanent rift with my entire family. That is too much for you to ask of me".


:iagree:

amazingly I and family just went though this Easter Weekend. Our middle son was getting married the 28th of apr. planned for a year. My oldest son announced that he was marrying fiance of a year, at the court house. Ok with Mom, Dad and others. We were expecting this as it was a conversation for months. Then just the weekend prior to Good Friday I see a FB post about a wedding and reception. I called and asked about it and I'm knocked over to find out fiance was planning a wedding for Good Friday, just a week before middle son, and not including my son's family. A lot of hurt feelings under the bridge, they still got married and The Family is trying to be positive about it. None of us were invited, and my son says he would have liked us to be there but..... 

From my view, You need to put a stop to it now. What happens if your parents put their foot down and say, "If your sister is not included. We will not come." Would you react then? 

Will you and your children go to Gramma's for Christmas without your wife, because your parents are not going to play the game and tell sister to stay away. 
Will you go to dinner at Mom and Dad's without wife and be on time? 
Is it worth causeing all this hurt and hard feelings because she is being a bridezilla and trying her claws to see how far she can push you. 
Would she let you attend your sisters wedding, baby's christning, nephew/niece's Bday party? If you think this is just the wedding you are wrong. Your future wife will plan things, get sick, take the kids last minute, every thing you will want to do with your family will be ruined in one way or another. 

I have been there thru this 4 times in the past year. My son and fiance came back home (they live in Texas) for a visit. I seen them for 1 hr. They were here for 8 days. Is this the kind of relationship you want with your family?


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