# How long did it take the WS to get over the AP?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I was curious about this. I've learned that it takes the BS years to get over an affair, but how long did it take the unfaithful spouse to get over the AP? This question is for both the BSs and WSs out there.
For the BSs: do you think that your WS ever stops longing for the AP?
For the WS: do you ever truly get over the AP?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I was curious about this. I've learned that it takes the BS years to get over an affair, but how long did it take the unfaithful spouse to get over the AP? This question is for both the BSs and WSs out there.
> For the BSs: do you think that your WS ever stops longing for the AP?
> For the WS: do you ever truly get over the AP?


There's no right answer for this. Speaking as a WS, I have absolutely no desire for either of my affair partners, and haven't since shortly after we went different paths. They don't enter my mind.

Others, obviously, may vary.

C


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

From everything I learned from my WW, and all the evidence seems to back it up, it took about a day. 

They broke it off the minute they thought I was onto them. I can pick out the exact date by looking at the phone bill. It went from hundreds of texts a day to zero just like that. D-DAY was two months later and I found nothing during that time and I was really on guard by this time. 

My WW said she was tired of all the hiding and secrets by this time anyway and had no real feelings for the POSOM, so they just called it a day. 

It really threw me off, I was sure she was up to something but I could never find anything. This explained why. It did make R easier though, I didn't have to worry about the POSOM, they were already in a no contact situation and I knew she had no feelings for him anymore. I don't what I would have done if she had still feelings for him, it would have been a close call.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

F-102 - blast from the past.

I think EAs that are thwarted by the BS are probably the cases where it takes a longer time for the WS to get over the AP. 

In those cases the WS is forced to "not love somebody", and I imagine turning that off is very difficult to do and would take some time when it wasn't your idea.


----------



## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

I'm both



F-102 said:


> For the BSs: do you think that your WS ever stops longing for the AP?


Hers was pure PA. She doesn't even remember their last names, unsure about their names (her word "it was arthur, no artemy,or arseny. He's a russian, that i'm sure"). What she longed for is to feel wanted and desired, something that my EA terribly damaged



F-102 said:


> For the WS: do you ever truly get over the AP?


Yes, i hate her as much as i hate myself. I was never in love with her, was in denial at first about our friendship but when presented with proofs of how deep it was i knew my wife wasn't overreacted, it was EA not friendship. What kind of woman went out with her married coworker who just had a baby knowing full well that his wife had no help plus she encouraged it and planned even more for the future ? Too bad i was too blind and selfish


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

F-102 said:


> I was curious about this. I've learned that it takes the BS years to get over an affair, but how long did it take the unfaithful spouse to get over the AP? This question is for both the BSs and WSs out there.
> For the BSs: do you think that your WS ever stops longing for the AP?
> For the WS: do you ever truly get over the AP?


How about never? My wife still has feelings for her AP of 15/16 years ago.

Yeah. Sickening.

Why do I put up with it? I love my wife.


----------



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> How about never? My wife still has feelings for her AP of 15/16 years ago.
> 
> Yeah. Sickening.
> 
> Why do I put up with it? I love my wife.


Does she love you?


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Mostly people in R posting. 

For A's that lead to D, many times it's shortly after they are free to be together.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RV9 said:


> Does she love you?


Yes, she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why do I put up with it? I love my wife.


I guess I love my own sorry azz too much to put up with that. I'm not capable and don't want to be capable of loving someone who does not put me first.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

That's a hard question as a BS you want to believe that the WS is telling you the truth, But they have proved that they will lie to you. It's something I will wander about for the rest of my life. I don't see how you can Love somebody & then just stop.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I guess I love my own sorry azz too much to put up with that. I'm not capable and don't want to be capable of loving someone who does not put me first.


Imagine my wife as a cross between Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farah Fowler.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Imagine my wife as a cross between Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farah Fowler.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 :rofl: 



Don't mean to giggle at your expense, MattMatt, but THAT is funny!!


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Gabriel said:


> F-102 - blast from the past.
> 
> I think EAs that are thwarted by the BS are probably the cases where it takes a longer time for the WS to get over the AP.
> 
> In those cases the WS is forced to "not love somebody", and I imagine turning that off is very difficult to do and would take some time when it wasn't your idea.


I would agree with this. My FWW probably hung onto the emotions for quite some time after I forced her to end it. She was in a no-man's-land as far as some one to attach her emotional center on. 

I was once told by some one here that it would take about 6 months for her to get over it. At the time she broke it off, I set a 6 month moratorium on any efforts to woo, romance, seduce or win her over. I was there if she needed, I listened to her problems, we palled around and slept in the same bed. After that we had a conversation where I insisted we now work on "us". Sex and intimacy resumed and things began to get a lot better. About 6 months after that she said "I love you". I guess I considered that the over him date. But at this point, I expect he is in my head a lot more than her's.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Imagine my wife as a cross between Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farah Fowler.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great, now you have given us something to Wiki. You understand most of us have no idea who you are talking about.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Probably took my xWW maybe five minutes from the time her drug dealer OM dumped her to find a new john to fix her up with meth.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> Great, now you have given us something to Wiki. You understand *most of us have no idea who you are talking about*.


Two characters from The Big Bang Theory on TV, the most popular show in the US right now.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thummper said:


> Two characters from The Big Bang Theory on TV, the most popular show in the US right now.


Must be why I didn't know either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Frankly, I don't know. If she pined away for OM, she didn't show it to me, and I wouldn't have put up with it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> I would agree with this. My FWW probably hung onto the emotions for quite some time after I forced her to end it. She was in a no-man's-land as far as some one to attach her emotional center on.
> 
> I was once told by some one here that it would take about 6 months for her to get over it. At the time she broke it off, I set a 6 month moratorium on any efforts to woo, romance, seduce or win her over. I was there if she needed, I listened to her problems, we palled around and slept in the same bed. After that we had a conversation where I insisted we now work on "us". Sex and intimacy resumed and things began to get a lot better. About 6 months after that she said "I love you". I guess I considered that the over him date. But at this point, I expect he is in my head a lot more than her's.


There is also the whole concept of the WS still having non-loving feelings for the AP.

For example, my wife isn't in love with her former OM anymore, but I know she still thinks he is a good person and remembers him as a great friend.

I was always jealous of the people whose spouses ended up hating their AP.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He always maintained that he 'despised her' which I never really believed because 1. It didn't make sense and 2. Little clues gave a different impression. Over 5 years after she had dumped him for another man (she was his ex), and around 3 & 1/2 years after their affair finished, we split. Instead of putting his efforts into fixing the reasons for our split he instead put considerable time and effort into locating her and getting back in touch. Purely for sex of course...from someone he despises! 

Sounds so much worse when spelled out on 'paper'! What a total arse. He couldn't speak the truth if his life depended on it, it seems. And yet his personality is so different to how that snippet portrays him, or at least, what he chooses to display as 'himself'. A very likeable and seemingly genuine man. Scratch the surface though and there is so much uncertainty that lies beneath.


----------



## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

F-102 said:


> I was curious about this. I've learned that it takes the BS years to get over an affair, but how long did it take the unfaithful spouse to get over the AP? This question is for both the BSs and WSs out there.
> For the BSs: do you think that your WS ever stops longing for the AP?
> For the WS: do you ever truly get over the AP?


Good question, I wonder if any of the authors on infidelity have ever addressed this.

Well it took my WW about 4-5 months....and that's just what I know from snooping.

After DDay (Aug 12'), I moved out. I stayed out of the house for 6 weeks. When I moved back home (Sept '12), I snooped & found out that she had told him that she couldnt talk to him any more. This was an online affair via facebook & this guy lived 900 miles away.

Then I found out that about 2 months after me moving back home, that she contacted him while I was away (Nov12'). Talked on the phone for over an hour. 
Then the day after Christmas, I snooped yet again & found out she had been talking to him intermittently for the past 2 months thru a game app on her phone....she was still trying to break it off with him. It was my bday that day...what a present to me.

So, according to my experience 4-5 months....or longer until they get over the AP. I have no idea if she truly stopped talking to this OM or stopped thinking about him. I'd say that if it was a physical affair, it might have taken a lot longer.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

My situation is a bit different (though they are all similiar and unique at the same time). My wife swears that she never went to his house for the date that was arranged. She said she sat there thinking about it and me and couldn't stand the thought of doing that to the one person that had truly been good to her. 

She says she never went. I have no way to confirm that. She says she never talked to him again after the initial date was set up. I have seen no evidence that she did, and she is not good with computers. At the time, I went through everything and couldn't find anything. We didnt have a cell phone at the time and smart phones didnt exist, so........

I guess what I am saying is she was over him before she ever went to his house, if you believe her version of events.

If you read my posts related to my situation, you will see that my biggest problems are that I cannot confirm this for myself and that I never dealt with this the way I should have the first time through.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Couple of interesting articles on memory:

https://markturrell.wordpress.com/2...ence-may-soon-change-all-our-relationships-6/

Brains Do It: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment

And...:

The science of love

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...1202/the-many-complicated-reasons-we-have-sex

Maybe you can make something out of those. What I get out of all the stuff I've read is, we really can't forget them, if we loved them. We may forget things, but we don't really ever stop having feelings for them. Any woman I've loved is still in my heart somewhere. That doesn't mean my mind isn't in charge, but I don't think I would want to be drinking and in emotional turmoil with them comforting me. I don't believe I would do anything, but science tells me to just make sure I don't put myself in a situation like that. Depends on the type of relationship, too. If a ONS, it's less likely we will remember or be seduced by them. Just my take on it. You form your own opinion.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

My dad married the potato shaped wh0re he cheated with. 

I give the3m another 5 years until a heart attack does him in, or he gets another itch.


----------

