# I Hate Facebook!



## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

DH and I started having some discussions about his communication with female friends via FB and appropriateness since September. This started when he was talking about some person from his High school days contacting him and making some crazy accusations. It got resolved and she said "Ooops! Wrong guy." Anyway, I had a look at the message exchange, and when I did, I saw another exchange with someone else that was inappropriate. He told another woman that he recently saw at a reunion that she still had a great a**. When I asked him about this, he said he was just trying to make her feel beter, boost her confidence, she just got divorced after all. Well, I didn't accept that. I told him it's not his responsibility, I am his wife and he should not be talking to other women this way. We got into a big fight with yelling and screaming. Bottom line for me was: you don't communicate in any way with someone else that you wouldn't want your spouse to see or that would upset your spouse. To me, this really hurt and I felt that trust was broken. So I told him so and that he should give me logins and passwords to accounts because there shouldn't be anything there that I couldn't see. He did.

So, we moved past it. Later, we had plans to go somewhere with friends and I wasn't sure of the date and needed to get a sitter lined up. It was in his FB messages and he wasn't available to get me the details so I went into the account to get the info. When I did, I saw an exchange with a female friend of his that was really upsetting. This person he works with. It's not someone across the country like before. He was talking about how important she is to him. He was drinking. She commented back in a nuetral way about his drinking. He then said when he drinks he can tell her how he feels. He said she's the most beautiful woman he knows.

Excuse me?! Shouldn't that be your wife and not a married friend and co-worker? We had another fight about this. I don't think there is a physical relationship here (yet), but this isn't right.

So now I'm paranoid. I've checked his FB messages, and again there is some comment from him about her making a nightly cameo in his dreams and must be his subconscious missing her (he moved to another dept so they don't see each other all the time at work anymore). All the while, her responses are pretty nuetral. Then, they meet up for lunch (I saw the plans on FB), and he doesn't tell me about it until I draw it out of him.

I haven't mentioned this last bit to him yet. I don't know what to do. I don't like how I have turned into someone that spies on her husband. But let's face it. How can I trust when he continues to communicate inappropriately? I feel betrayed by this communication and where this relationship appears to be going.

I told him we need counseling again and he didn't respond. We went before and it really helped pull us out of the hole. Our previous counselor passed away and I haven't found anyone yet. What would you do?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Totally inappropriate. 

The good thing is she's being neutral. The bad thing is, he's doing it.

Then flip the roles. You need to have another talk to him. Tell him you know you can't stop him from doing anything but as his wife, you feel wholly disrespected. Ask him how he'd feel if some guy was sending YOU messages talking about how you made a nightly cameo in his dreams, that you are the most beautiful woman in the world, that he says how he feels when he drinks AND you go out to lunch with him.

HMM? Me thinks he wouldn't tlike it very much.

Dude is totally crossing the line. 

Sorry.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

he doesn't want to be married. Simple as that.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Or, he doesn't want to be married and monogamous.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

PNGirl,
He's pursuing her no doubt. Sorry!

Tell him that you can't nor want to control him or be his warden but what you can control are your own actions and as far as you're concerned, you will not be in a marriage with someone who has an interest in be in a relationship with someone else.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Toffer is spot on. :iagree:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd let the OW's husband know that your husband is on the prowl for her too. Don't blame the wife, but just say your man is being a deck and is chasing HIS WIFE.

Feck up his game, yo.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So it's confirmed.

Your husband IS a jerk. No small wonder why he's constantly critical of you and your appearance... he's got a crush on someone else.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep--if the co-worker is married/partnered, message her husband on FB and let him know what's going on. You can copy/paste the messages.

LOL about the "HUGE DECK," TG


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh yeah...your other thread where he's being critical........... makes sense now.


----------



## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

That's what I think - he doesn't want to be married (or monogamous). That's what I asked/told him when this started. He's definitely going through something that is not good for our marrieage. He's turning 40 this year and for months and months he has been changing - being selfish, insensitive, and generally disinterested. I have been through so much with him over the last few years when he had a major medical emergency and barely made it through. I don't deserve this.

Tough talk/ultimatum time: stop it, get counseling or...I hate thinking about "or else."


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He's turning 40 this year and for months and months he has been changing - being selfish, insensitive, and generally disinterested.


Well that can happen when you're withdrawing from your spouse and focusing attention elsewhere. 

He's not going through anything. He's trying to play the field. Suddenly his life with you has become boring and he thinks he may be able to spice things up a bit by his behavior, at the expense of YOU and your feelings. Testing the waters, seeing if he's still GOT it.

I would just call him out on it all. Copy and paste his comments and print them out and present your evidence. A really good time would be when he says you're fat. lol


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> What the h*ll is she doing going to lunch with another woman's husband?


Many people feel that there is nothing wrong with this type of thing...I have a feeling that those people, the ones that justify all these 'friendships', probably got the same thing goin' on themselves...and it's total crap!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I bet he's been doing this for a few months. Different women.

But let that other husband know. Seriously. make it hard for your husband to cheat.

All's fair in love and war.

I mean, if he wants to play, let's play. :whip:


----------



## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

They've been co-workers and friends for years. Going to lunch together is not unusual and I never had a problem with it. What I do have a problem with him not volunteering the information. Making me draw the information out of him after we already talked about the FB messages is a bad sign. I haven't mentioned to him that I saw the message about the dreams and lunch plans. I decided I didn't want to let him know I was looking at the messages so that I could see what else might come up. I did take screen shots of the exchange and print outs of the earlier one we already discussed. I am just so sad. I don't like who this is making me - spying on him because I don't trust him.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You don't trust him because he is being dishonest with you. Really, if you hadn't become suspicious of the friendship, then you never would have spied.

It's difficult to go back once you've been betrayed. I still check my husband's phone and email occasionally, and I don't feel bad about it. If he'd been upfront in the first place...we wouldn't be here.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> They've been co-workers and friends for years. Going to lunch together is not unusual and I never had a problem with it.


Well somewhere along the way, he's decided to blur the line of friendship and start in with the flirty inappropriate comments to her. What happened?? Only the two of them really know.

Your husband needs to be checked. And quick. Don't lament that his actions are supposedly making you into a person you would rather not be, he's forced your hand to change INTO that person. You want to hold onto him and keep your marriage in tact. If he's consistently working against that it won't work. 

How closely do they work together? I'm sort of curious.


----------



## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

She probably does like the attention. Honestly, I just don't feel comfortable going to her husband at this point.

They used to work in the same building, same team, same days/hours. Now they work in different buildings and their days/hours are different with only 1-2 days a week when they both work.

When you say checked, do you mean that as confronted or continued detective work? I rue the day I bought him and iPad, I don't even know if you can do keylogging on that thing (as far as more detective work goes).

I do want to keep my marriage in tact. I can't walk away for this but I can't let it go on or get worse either.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> When you say checked, do you mean that as confronted or continued detective work?


You have enough to confront him so do it. Nip it in the bud right now. You will not tolerate this one more day.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Totally agreed! He's fastly on the prowl and I don't really think you need any more evidence of that. It's time for you to begin issuing ultimatums and setting the groundwork for any counseling. If he's not acceptant of that, then it's time for a visit to your local barrister!


----------



## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

It probably will continue and get worse if he knows that you won't leave him over it. He probably won't change unless he knows that he will lose you over it. He's giving the other women ego boosts while breaking your heart. Definitely let his co-worker's husband know what your husband is saying to her. Why don't you feel comfortable doing that? But anyway, her hubby will probably put a huge damper on their interactions. And yours will probably move on to someone new unless you decide that you won't put up with it and he believes it.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

For God's sake, CHECK. If anything, my checking made my husband realize just how much I care about this marriage. Enough that I will not let anyone or anything interfere with it beyond reasonable interactions.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave him


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

I hate facebook too. It's always the same old people posting their same old typical stuff.

The novelty wore off long ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Oh GOD! This story is exactly what happened with my wife's EA on FB. She told me she was just cheering him up by talking risky. That he was just trying to tick me off when he would tell her "I love you" because he's like that when really he was acting jealous of me. It was all in my mind and I was just being jealous, "he's just a friend", "I won't talk about this anymore.... GOOD NIGHT!". I heard every bullsh*t lie in the book and knew my gut instinct was right.

Then after I got offended over him flirting with her and saying how he could help her lose 20lbs in bed with him, he posted a pic of them kissing and she told me his gf just looked like her. It was her arm taking the pic registered in picassa under her name By the time she blocked me she had told me some cover story about being FB married before I found out and everyone on both sides of her family knew what was going on. My grandparents made me pay for all the international calls to him and then bought me "His needs; her needs" right after. 

So then she created a fake profile with his last name and uses that to talk to a selected few friends. I got the "ILYBINILWY" a couple months before she filed in secret. After she filed for divorce in secret she moved to be closer to him and is now trying to hide this affair from her family because her parents would kill her if they knew the real reason why she filed. I hear her friends can't stand this guy and he's worked hard to try to weasel into their good graces but says the stupidest things to seem cool. This guy is such a loser A-hole that I actually pity him for having to trick people to like him.

PNGirl, take it from someone who has already been where you are headed and pulled through. You've already let him know you won't put up with this so now it's time to try something different. Stop showing jealousy and pressuring him to choose you or the marriage because he will only see you as the enemy and favor them. Instead of making him feel terrible for cheating when he is around you and being cold, which will only make the OW more disirable, act "as if" you are happy and stop wanting him while he's pulling away. No mentioning MC or OW, any activities he could have used as a cover story.... would you rather you be right about the affair or happy with him? Now hear me out on this next line. Let him spend time with her without any pursuing or manipulating him to stay, because you know that if you pressured him he would only go underground. You don't want to be adding to this growing taboo of sneaking around and seeing the other women do you? The only way you can have him favor you would be to pull away until he decides to invest in you and then challenge him a little by jokingly teasing him. Instead of acting hurt, cold, or jealousy you'll get a better response cracking light jokes with a smile on your face and having him work just slightly for your affection. It may seem unnatural but's really what she's doing off and on now.


----------



## koolasma (Mar 11, 2012)

why do u hate it :O ?


----------

