# solved the no sex in the marriage issue



## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Very simple. Should have thought of it years ago. Divorce. I'm 40 years old and would honestly rather be alone than be with someone that never wants to have sex with me and won't give me affection of any kind. I spent years listening to how I'm fat, stupid, ugly, a *****, etc I'm sure no man is interested in me but I don't even care anymore. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've lurked on here a long time but this is only my 2nd post. It doesn't get any better. Funny thing is he's always accusing me of cheating on him (which I never did) but really who could blame me if I had??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I suspect you're going to be surprised at how many men are interested in a loyal 40 year old with a good sex drive. Regardless of the other issues. And while i don't know about the fat or ugly I can say that you don't sound stupid.....which makes me question the others.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

ka1972, welcome to freedom. Although I'm not considering a permanent relationship, I can assure you that many formerly married men are interested in dating women who know what they want and can see it if they are standing before it.
Good Luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you file?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Yes, men will be interested in you, and just about anything will be an upgrade over your H. Congrats.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Considering he was a deadbeat and wouldn't work and was an abusive alcoholic I'm sure anyone would be an upgrade LOL I'm just not looking right now. I had low self-esteem before I met him and 20 years of being told I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't talk to anyone, everything I did was wrong, etc on top of all the viscious comments about myself has pretty much had me feeling like I'm totally worthless and men don't really find that sexy


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Good for you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Btw, you are doing what I recommend a lot of people do in a sexless marriage situation, or really, any situation where their partner is not willing to meet them halfway. 

You don't have to tolerate it. Just because they are happy with the arrangement doesn't mean you have to be. 

Congrats and I hope you have a lot of boudoir fun when it finally happens for you


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

And the funny thing is he has a high sex drive but just no interest in me. He masturbates all the time. I am loyal to a fault and would have actually stayed despite all the other b.s. but he also hits me and I've had enough of that.


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

Congratulations on breaking free and moving on with your life. I am sure it took a lot of courage to take that step, as obvious as it seemed. I hope things look up for you in the coming future.

JR


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ka1972 said:


> *And the funny thing is he has a high sex drive but just no interest in me. He masturbates all the time.* I am loyal to a fault and would have actually stayed despite all the other b.s. but he also hits me and I've had enough of that.


To which I say, "Good riddance!" :smthumbup:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

ka1972 said:


> And the funny thing is he has a high sex drive but just no interest in me. He masturbates all the time. I am loyal to a fault and would have actually stayed despite all the other b.s. but he also hits me and I've had enough of that.


Meth?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I'm 40 years old and would honestly rather be alone than be with someone that never wants to have sex with me and won't give me affection of any kind. I spent years listening to how I'm fat, stupid, ugly, a *****, etc I'm sure no man is interested in me
> 
> he's always accusing me of cheating on him
> 
> ...





Do you want another 20 years of pure hell?
No wonder you have low self esteem and think that you are worthless and that men do not find you sexy. *You have tolerated emotional poison for 20 years and you need to get rid of him and NOW! No reminiscing or second guessing RUN-LEAVE-ADIOS—BYE BYE!*

You will never find out the truth, the truth is you are a valuable person and that some men will find you sexy. You have been loyal to a person that has dragged you through a sewer. *If a man treats you right you will never be unloyal to him and that is valuable*. Have you read the many stories on here about spouses not being loyal and the great pain that causes?

*A man that has a woman that has not been loyal and has cheated on him repeatly will think that you are extremely valuable.*

Stop believing that kockroach husband of yours and leave his sewer. *You can only get better by leaving*.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I wish you well. 

I hope you're able to leave behind what your husband has told you. No doubt it's hit you hard, but remember it was all manipulation to control you.

A faithful, loving, loyal woman is a catch.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

He was controlling and abusive. The fat and ugly comments were his way of brainwashing you into believing you were worthless. I highly suggest you get some counseling. It is like you have been a hostage for 20 years and you have just made your escape. Guys like that give the rest of us decent men a bad name. There are plenty of decent, affectionate men out there that would love to be with you. However, it may take you a while to trust again. Good luck and although I am sorry you had to go through this, I am so happy for you now!


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I had to go to court yesterday to extend the protective order I had against him and he agreed to it so that was pretty painless. His mom made some hurtful comments though saying I never wanted him to work (not true) and supposedly now he has a job lined up. (very hurtful because I have nearly 100% supported us for 20 years and it was a struggle due to his spending all our money on beer/cigs/pot) So to hear that he can suddenly now get a job when we needed money desperately and he wouldn’t work hurt a lot. I am seeing a counselor. My friends are all now speaking to me again now that I’m done with him. My family (who I was pretty much estranged from because of him) is coming around too. I just feel a lot of anger right now and also feeling like there must be something wrong with me that he would treat me like that. Obviously it’s going to be a very long time before I ever think about dating again and yeah I probably won’t trust anything a man tells me (even though I know not all men are like him), but I can picture it being really difficult for me to be 40 years old and trying to date because I really don’t have a lot of experience with the opposite sex. I had one boyfriend in college and then spent 20 years with the same a**hole.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ka1972 said:


> His mom made some hurtful comments though saying I never wanted him to work (not true) and supposedly now he has a job lined up. (very hurtful because I have nearly 100% supported us for 20 years and it was a struggle due to his spending all our money on beer/cigs/pot) So to hear that he can suddenly now get a job when we needed money desperately and he wouldn’t work hurt a lot. .


While it IS cheap, think of the bigger picture: You're going to get laid, baby!!! A lot! By someone who wants to lay you. Lol

:smthumbup:

Let his non-working/working/no sexing a$$ be someone else's problem.

With the divorce proceedings/dealings, make sure to keep your emotions out of it. It's done to protect yourself and to also not become a mess amongst the insanity of it all. I don't think anything pissed my exH more than how cool I was during the entire divorce. He thought I was going to cry in court or something and I looked DAMN good (hee hee) and was as calm and cool like an icee-pop. I was laughing and smiling and all business. 

Do that!



ka1972 said:


> I just feel a lot of anger right now and also feeling like there must be something wrong with me that he would treat me like that.


Stop doing this. It's not you fault he didn't want to boff you. That was a choice he made. That blame is not yours.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ka1972 said:


> Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I had to go to court yesterday to extend the protective order I had against him and he agreed to it so that was pretty painless. His mom made some hurtful comments though saying I never wanted him to work (not true) and supposedly now he has a job lined up. (very hurtful because I have nearly 100% supported us for 20 years and it was a struggle due to his spending all our money on beer/cigs/pot) So to hear that he can suddenly now get a job when we needed money desperately and he wouldn’t work hurt a lot.
> 
> Awww the poor baby, mommy had to defend her lazy ass pot smoking son, let her support his ass
> 
> ...


Life lesson, you wont repeat


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> Considering he was a deadbeat and wouldn't work and was an abusive alcoholic I'm sure anyone would be an upgrade LOL I'm just not looking right now. I had low self-esteem before I met him and 20 years of being told I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't talk to anyone, everything I did was wrong, etc on top of all the viscious comments about myself has pretty much had me feeling like I'm totally worthless and men don't really find that sexy


I'm glad to hear you have freed yourself of this emotional and physical abuse. No one deserves this and I'm glad there is now one less case of this out there. Props to you.

I hope you set a time frame for yourself for dating, such as no dating for say six months. This will give you time to bond again with your family and let your emotions settle because you will have a lot of them, especially anger (some of it directed towards men in general which isn't good but totally understandable). Give yourself some time to let these emotions out and to continue your counselling. I know it'll be hard, especially since you are coming from a sexless relationship as well, but it'll pay off in the long run when you're not carrying baggage forward.

Just be sure to not direct your anger towards the next person you date.



Jellybeans said:


> To which I say, "Good riddance!" :smthumbup:


You say good riddance to the issue about mastubating (which you bolded) but not that of him hitting her? Seems everything she posted in that comment deserves to be bolded.



ka1972 said:


> I probably won’t trust anything a man tells me (even though I know not all men are like him), but I can picture it being really difficult for me to be 40 years old and trying to date because I really don’t have a lot of experience with the opposite sex. I had one boyfriend in college and then spent 20 years with the same a**hole.


Firstly, you are right, not all men are alike, so please don't carry trust issue forward towards other men. It's hard, i know, but do your best not to. 

My fiancee was married to her husband for eight years and with him for approximately 17 years. They had a very rocky relationship, not unlike what you describe her (though they weren't sexless. Well, they were for some stretches but not by his choice). There was abuse, both emotionally and physically, and there was plenty of other issues. It was a classic 'stay togther for the kids marriage' and wasn't pretty. She finally left, but not until her kids were teenagers.

We started dating not long after. While things went really well for the most part, there were times when she'd let her past rear up and the odd comment like 'men are all the same' would come out, directed at me and often because something I wanted was also something her ex wanted too, and she was rebelling against men in general.

After a few months of this coming up every so often (maybe one a week or so) I explained to her one night in a talk that while I understand where her anger comes from, and it is justified, she needs a better board to throw it at than me, because I didn't do those things she was angry about, nor am I her ex-husband, so I'm not going to take getting in heck for something I didn't do. If you enter a relationship with a lack of trust of men in general, whoever is the next guy for you could just decide to turn his back on you and walk away rather than take your anger which is really not even directed at him, but at your ex-husband. This in turn could wreck what is an otherwise great relationship.

My fiancee has turned completely around on this issue and while she still harbors a lot of anger towards her ex-husband (and is in counselling for it) we have a great relationship. There is some sex issues, which I've explained to the board, but there is no problems emotionally and we argue rarely (and never about ex's or my/her needs).

Hence why I suggest waiting six months or more before dating. Sounds like you have a grasp on this, so that's awesome.

Be sure to do somethings just for you. Take a trip or whatever. Have fun with life. Enjoy it. And eventually, enjoy life with someone who will lift up your weaknesses, bask in the shadow of your strengths and share life with you to the fullest!

Oh yeah, and want to bang the heck out of you until your pelvis shatters


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

I'm glad everyone thinks I'm going to be able to find someone else. I think it's going to be incredibly difficult to be 40 years old dating and having less experience with men than your typical 7th grader 

I'm in no hurry to find anyone. I'm spending time doing stuff for myself and re-connecting with friends/family that I turned my back on because of him. It's so nice to be able to go where I want, talk to who I want, actually have money to pay my bills, etc And even splurge on going out to eat or buy myself new clothes or whatever I want. 

I will never ever put myself in that situation again and I think it will be a very long time before I work through the anger/sadness/grief/etc so that I don't take it out on the next person that comes along. I've always had issues with trusting people even besides him. Hopefully that is something my counselor can help me work through. 

I know I will make it through this but some days it is really really hard. But I've been un-happy for a really long time and I just couldn't do it anymore.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I want to suggest you work through the book, "Ten Days to Self Esteem". The title is misleading because it will take more than ten days and because there is more to it than self esteem. It really helped my wife through the anger and hurt she experienced through the loss of a job (long story). It would be extremely worthwhile for you. The author gives valuable tools to help you tell yourself the truth.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> Very simple. Should have thought of it years ago. Divorce. I'm 40 years old and would honestly rather be alone than be with someone that never wants to have sex with me and won't give me affection of any kind. I spent years listening to how I'm fat, stupid, ugly, a *****, etc I'm sure no man is interested in me but I don't even care anymore. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've lurked on here a long time but this is only my 2nd post. It doesn't get any better. Funny thing is he's always accusing me of cheating on him (which I never did) but really who could blame me if I had??


funny I feel I am in the same boat as you are in... only I have found it difficult to divorce.... 2 young kids involved .. and I am the husband... my wife is not an substance abuser but she is a typical laziness addict though.... and no sex for me from her.... 
You are lucky to be in a situation to have the courage to divorce... Good luck to you and a good decision !


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

One word of warning.... I know you are not thinking about finding another man at this point! But my warning is.... do not fall for the first guy who "talks nice" to you. 

Take your time. Heal. Men WILL talk nice to you. It will feel good. Just saying you could get yourself into trouble easily and unknowingly. 

When you love yourself, and trust yourself.... THEN be open to nice men!  Even then, the flip-side is that it is hard to trust that a man saying nice things can even be sincere. 

I was married for 23 years.... 5 kids... ex was a crappy husband, crappy father, crappy provider, etc... Just getting OUT of that mess of a relationship was liberating! (I was 42) 8 years later...I am married again, to the sweetest, most reliable, dependable, loving, sexy man on the face of the earth. And he tells me HE is the lucky one! I questioned myself every step of this relationship... asked myself "Is this good for me?" "Is there any negative side?" Usually it was no debate! It was all good.... it took awhile to convince myself! It really is ALL GOOD!!!!!


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> One word of warning.... I know you are not thinking about finding another man at this point! But my warning is.... do not fall for the first guy who "talks nice" to you.


See this is what I'm worried about doing. I've never had any guys treat me good and I could totally see myself falling for the first guy that is half way decent. Surprisingly I do have guys that are interested, but it is pretty much the same type as my soon to be ex. 

Right now I'm just so starved for any kind of affection or attention I could see myself turning into the ***** my husband accused me of being just because I so desperately want someone to "care" about me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> See this is what I'm worried about doing. I've never had any guys treat me good and I could totally see myself falling for the first guy that is half way decent. Surprisingly I do have guys that are interested, but it is pretty much the same type as my soon to be ex.
> 
> Right now I'm just so starved for any kind of affection or attention I could see myself turning into the ***** my husband accused me of being just because I so desperately want someone to "care" about me.


And this is why it's good to take a 'cooling off period'. It gives you time to settle down emotionally and mentally, take time to do te things you want to do, and have the time to see exactly what is out there in terms of men for you. It's like going shopping, you don't just grab the first nice outfit you see and run back to the checkout counter with it, you look at it, acknowedge it, tuck it way in the back of your mind, and come back to it later if that's what you want. The same goes with men in case, go looking, but don't buy until you've had a good look at everything.


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

workingonme

This is for you.. i have followed most of your replies to poster and i love your replies. you seem like an awesome guy!!!!! hope you wife appreciates you.

original poster... i am a plus sized woman and believe you me I get so much attention from men and I am married. you will do fine. love yourself and work on the things you can. get a new hairdo. buy yourself a new outfit and change up your make-up and perfume. you will be amazed


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My x would always tell me that no one would EVER love me as much as he did, he also always told me that no one else would ever want me.. I believed him. He had me literly brain washed me into thinking that he was IT. I was a kid and believed pretty much everything he told me. He was emotionally, mentally and psychically abusive. 

AS the years passed it got worse.. Until one day I Finally woke up and thought wait a minute.. I am so much better then this.. And he was very wrong about everything..

I doubt that you are stupid and all of those things he has said to you. People like him feed off of your low self esteem and low self worth.. It makes them stronger and they have power over you.

My ex would accuse me of cheating on him all the time, come to find out he was the one doing it all along.

There is life after this ass hat you married. You are not worthless, you are so much more.. You deserve to be treated better and you DESERVE love and respect, to be cherished by the one who claims to love you.

People that say they love you wouldn't treat you this way..


I AM still not over everything he did to me completely and this happened 16 years ago. I was only with him for 4 years. 4 years to long, if you ask me! It has been a life long recovery! I will probably never completely get over all of it. 

Trusting someone again will be hard.. It was hard for me and it was never 100%. It probably never will be again.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ka1972 said:


> See this is what I'm worried about doing. I've never had any guys treat me good and I could totally see myself falling for the first guy that is half way decent. Surprisingly I do have guys that are interested, but it is pretty much the same type as my soon to be ex.
> 
> Right now I'm just so starved for any kind of affection or attention I could see myself turning into the ***** my husband accused me of being just because I so desperately want someone to "care" about me.


I was the exact same way. Always falling for the "bad" ones. I had radar for the bad ones. You have to change that.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ka1972-

Never think that it you. You had nothing to do with it. It was not you it was him. You could have been someone else and he still would have done the same thing to her. 

People like this prey on the vulnerable they get off on treating people this way. 

My dear, there is absolutly nothing wrong with you


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Well it's been 4 months now but I'm not sure I feel any better about any of this. I guess it's going to take more time. I appreciate everyone's comments and words of advice. My self-esteem issues are just making this a really difficult time for me. I already had major issues before I met him and 20 years of listening to what a loser I was and how fat I was and ugly and stupid and a **** and how I had no money just really brings you down.  

I'm a really shy person already and not sure how to work on all of this. My counselor is very good about letting me talk/vent but doesn't really give me anything specific I can do to make myself feel better.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

First off, congrats on making it this far! It will get better, it just takes time. The hardest steps are the first.

As for making yourself feel better, how are you doing finanicially? If things are ok, start doing things you've always wanted to do that you weren't allowed to do before. Get out with friends, do some travelling, join some clubs, go to the theatre, to the bar, whatever you want to. Enjoy your freedom!

Do you have a BFF or someone you can talk to who actually knows you? A counsellor is great, but sometimes venting to some one who knows you as you and not just a stranger is a great thing. Vent to them and then hit the bar or whatever you enjoy doing. Find something to blow off stress if you have to, like boxing or karate. Great way to help stay in shape as well.

You are NOT a loser. Don't buy into that stuff anymore.

I know you didn't say it but regarding a potential upcoming relationship, be sure to really check how you are feeling and doing inside before you bring someone else in. It'll only compound the problem if you add someone when you're not emotionally ready yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ka1972 said:


> Well it's been 4 months now but I'm not sure I feel any better about any of this. I guess it's going to take more time. I appreciate everyone's comments and words of advice. My self-esteem issues are just making this a really difficult time for me. I already had major issues before I met him and 20 years of listening to what a loser I was and how fat I was and ugly and stupid and a **** and how I had no money just really brings you down.
> 
> I'm a really shy person already and not sure how to work on all of this. My counselor is very good about letting me talk/vent but doesn't really give me anything specific I can do to make myself feel better.


What have you been doing for yourself?

What do you do socially?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

KA,
We come in all shapes, sizes and preferences which means that there are plenty of men who like larger women. 

You have been harmed via hateful repetition. I notice you frequently mention him calling you fat. 

Clearly the "fat" thing bothers you. Have you changed your exercise/eating patterns? Can you find a friend to work out with. 





ka1972 said:


> Well it's been 4 months now but I'm not sure I feel any better about any of this. I guess it's going to take more time. I appreciate everyone's comments and words of advice. My self-esteem issues are just making this a really difficult time for me. I already had major issues before I met him and 20 years of listening to what a loser I was and how fat I was and ugly and stupid and a **** and how I had no money just really brings you down.
> 
> I'm a really shy person already and not sure how to work on all of this. My counselor is very good about letting me talk/vent but doesn't really give me anything specific I can do to make myself feel better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ka, do you know that there is a dating sight just for overweight people? Some men prefer a woman that way.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone. You guys make me feel much better. )

I am working on the weight issue. Yeah I know I mention it a lot. It's been a life long battle. Funny thing is as much as he complained about it he always belittled all of my efforts to lose weight. I didn't expect cartwheels by any means but I lost 45 lbs and was able to get off a couple medications I was on. All he told me is it didn't matter how much weight I lost I would still have an ugly face, big butt, and sagging boobs. (yeah what a loser--him not me)

Unfortunately I tend to be a stress eater and while I had lost more weight I gained about 9 lbs back in the last 4 months despite how much I've tried to exercise. I'm trying to get back on track and I do have co-workers I walk with on breaks and lunchtime. I have a friend I go hiking with on the weekends when the weather is nice. I have a neighbor I walk with. 

It doesn't help that most of the people I spend time with now are guys that are younger than me and all of them are in great shape and very attractive. (LOL) They are friends though and I have fun with them which I sorely need right now. I hate to dump them just because they hit the genetic lottery and I didn't! 

Won't even discuss how badly my sex life sucks.  Also to the person that posted about the dating website for bigger people I would appreciate info about that. 

I'm still trying to get my finances in order. Once I get that more on track I think I will feel better. I try really hard not to dwell on the past but some days there is still a lot of anger and resentment about all the wasted time and money. But barring the finance issue I am trying to do as much stuff as I can and try some new stuff too. I've recently taken up hiking and find I am enjoying it very much.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Right on!

Sounds like you have a great handle on things. I'm proud of you!

Don't give up friends just because of their genetic gains. Friendships are a huge thing for you right now, so enjoy your friends and work hard at making things work for you, both physically and financially.

I know for me it took a few years (about 3) after my divorce to get my finances in any sort of real order. I hope you have seperated everything you have from your ex-husband so he can't get you in more financial debt (credit cards, home, bank accounts, cell phones, etc.) I didn't right away. Big mistake.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> Thanks everyone. You guys make me feel much better. )
> 
> I am working on the weight issue. Yeah I know I mention it a lot. It's been a life long battle. Funny thing is as much as he complained about it he always belittled all of my efforts to lose weight. I didn't expect cartwheels by any means but I lost 45 lbs and was able to get off a couple medications I was on. All he told me is it didn't matter how much weight I lost I would still have an ugly face, big butt, and sagging boobs. (yeah what a loser--him not me)
> 
> ...


It sounds like you're doing a lot of things and doing them right - so good for you first and foremost!

Keep in mind that the type of abuse (yes, it was abuse) that you were under takes time to recover from. It will take repeated times of telling yourself that you are beautiful (and meaning it) and smart and worth having to undo all the years of programming you underwent. 

FYI - it would not have mattered if you were a supermodel or 800lbs - he would have said the same things to keep you feeling poorly about yourself to make himself feel better. 

So, step up the physical activity (it will simply make you FEEL good and have the side effect of helping with the weight) and make good choices each day. Reflect on those things at the end of the day. Let these changes sink in, how much healthier you are and how much better you feel.

Don't forget to do little things to reward your progress too. When I was shedding the weight, I set up progress goals and gave myself something I really wanted for reaching them, shoes/bags/pretty lingerie.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Congratulations! So many women stay in these miserable marriages until the SOB dies, you got out when you are still relatively young! Getting out, that is the most important thing, the past is passed, and all we have is now. 
And hiking is wonderful, hopefully there is a hiking club in your area. Later on you could do Weight Watchers online if you felt like you wanted to.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> And this is why it's good to take a 'cooling off period'. It gives you time to settle down emotionally and mentally, take time to do te things you want to do, and have the time to see exactly what is out there in terms of men for you. It's like going shopping, you don't just grab the first nice outfit you see and run back to the checkout counter with it, you look at it, acknowedge it, tuck it way in the back of your mind, and come back to it later if that's what you want. The same goes with men in case, go looking, but don't buy until you've had a good look at everything.


:iagree: you need time to heal, grieve, be angry & fall in love - with yourself  then you'll be ready for someone else.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I suspect you're going to be surprised at how many men are interested in a loyal 40 year old with a good sex drive. Regardless of the other issues. And while i don't know about the fat or ugly I can say that you don't sound stupid.....which makes me question the others.


 I so agree. Your husnand or soon to be x husband is an ass and doesn't know a good thing even if it him him in the arse!

I am thinking that divorce is the only option i have too.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

KA
This thread - and his cruelty is just painfully hard to read about. 

I wish you the best of luck finding a kind partner. 




ka1972 said:


> Thanks everyone. You guys make me feel much better. )
> 
> I am working on the weight issue. Yeah I know I mention it a lot. It's been a life long battle. Funny thing is as much as he complained about it he always belittled all of my efforts to lose weight. I didn't expect cartwheels by any means but I lost 45 lbs and was able to get off a couple medications I was on. All he told me is it didn't matter how much weight I lost I would still have an ugly face, big butt, and sagging boobs. (yeah what a loser--him not me)
> 
> ...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It took great courage to leave your ex! Congratulations! It will take a while to recover but consider anything that you do is for you! 

Ask yourself are you better off then when you left him? 
Any step forward is in the right direction. One step at a time!

Instead of playing those negative tapes (thoughts) in your head...replace it with affirming thoughts. Even if you don't feel like they are true. Find some...ask your friends and family for them. Write them down. Post them. Put them on your mirror!

You are of value. Somewhere, deep down, you know this! 

I was married for 25 years to my childhood sweetheart and divorced at age 44 years. There is life after marriage.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you. I know I'm so much better off with him. I really am trying not to dwell on all the lost years and wasted money and just move forward with my life. I know I will never put myself in that same situation again. My parents raised me to be a strong independent woman who can take care of myself. I'm just fortunate that we never had children and I wasn't dependent on him financially because I know that keeps a lot of women in a bad relationship. 

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But each day gets a little easier (although sometimes I do have my down days too when I come across something of his in the house or remember something we used to do). It's almost like grieving a death. You remember the good along with the sadness of the loss. But I still feel some anger and resentment about not being good enough for him to want to change or do the right thing for our family such as it was. And feeling like I can't trust because I trusted him and it was all just lies and b.s. I mean I think he must have cared about me a little bit sometime, but he sure had a funny way of showing it.

Anyway not my problem anymore. I only have myself to worry about going forward and try to make the best of things however I can. I have great friends and family and my animals. That's all I need.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

It is like a death. You may never get 100% over it. But you will move on and eventually find something better.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

ka,

I am so impressed by what you are doing with your life and all the strides you have made. There are many here who are envious because this is a major step for someone in your circumstances.

May I suggest you consider finding somewhere locally to do some volunteer work (in a cause that you are passionate about). I think you will be amazed at how much serving others, if only a small amount, will help to ease some of the emotional burden you carry.

All the best. We are rooting for your success!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ka1972, you should be so proud of where you are now!, not where you've been...wow re-read your thread, you are stonger,better than you were few months ago. 
Four months seems like a long time, but it took how many years for you to see it and want changes?, you are on your way to so much more...really...BELIEVE IT!!!


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