# Question about dating while separated



## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

H and I have decided to separate for 6 months and date eachother during that time. I really want to get started on this but he keeps saying "it's too soon". I think that he's thinking that I mean a like whole day/night type date. 
I want to take it slow like for the first date maybe do something fun for a few hours and then leave it at that gradually adding more time if/when it feels right. 

I've heard that this is what marriage counselors suggest anyway. I would like to send him an article explaining this but I can't find anything, anyone have anything good?

Thanks


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Why did you separate?


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## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

Well be both haven't been happy for awhile, him more than me. We never addressed it and then he started having an EA with an old friend. I love him with all my heart and I'm committed to making our marriage work, he still isn't sure. 
He hasn't actually moved out yet, he's saving up the money first. I want to get started on trying to repair things just not sure if he's ready and/or willing.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I wouldn't separate. If he's not sure about the relationship you can start counseling together. But if you separate that will probably end the marriage or open up the way for him to pursue the other woman.

Is he still in communication with the affair partner?


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## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

I do believe he's still in contact with her. We did counseling for a few weeks but he said he didn't think we could get any more out of it right now. If he decides that he really wants to work on things than I will strongly suggest that we go back to counseling. 
I don't want to separate but the alternative was immediate divorce so I suggested that he move out for a few months and we "date" while he's gone to see if we can/want to still be together.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

he may realize when you are apart the bigness of his decision....sometimes they realize what it is exactly that they are giving up, but he has to take his time and figure out what it is he really wants......don't push him.....you can't force someone to want to be with you......when you are with him, show him the best you you can be.......be patient which I know is hard because it feels like you are not doing anything.....good luck


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

He's still active in the affair and all that is going to happen is that it will become physical (if it hasn't already). He's fence sitting, which means he's keeping you available while pursuing things with this other woman. I understand you want to work things out, but it takes two people to make a marriage. You may benefit from detaching, working on getting happy with yourself, and removing yourself from his equation. 

Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Oh I like that line seeking sanity. (The priority/option one). Very nice.

Stick with what you want to do in this situation. If your heart is saying take it slow, short and fun, then you need to do that. ESPECIALLY if he's still involved with another woman.

Even if you can't find a good article to support it, if you want to go slow, then do it.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

this is a tough one & I have been in your shoes. you are devestated by the news of the affair & can't believe this is happening to you. you immediately think, what did I do wrong? what did I do to cause this? etc. STOP right there. You did nothing to cause this, it is NOT your fault. If you husband was not happy, he could have spoken to you about it & tried to come up with a solution. However, he chose to go outside your marriage & be unfaithful. No one forced him to do that - it was his choice. 

I understand how you don't want to loose him & will do whatever it takes to save your marriage - I've been there & tried that too. I was so afraid that if I pushed him away once I found out about the affair, I would push him into the other womans arms & would loose for sure. So I kept trying, the best I could out of fear of loosing him & fear that he would choose the other woman. 
However, you can't be the only 1 to want to save your marriage. He has to want it too. If his heart isn't into it then you can't do it on your own. It concerns me that he is still involved with the other woman, because if he really cared about you , he would give your marriage a chance & "give up the OW" for a chance to make it right. 
He doesn't seem to be moving in that direction at the moment & don't think you should wait around to see. . . . 
Loved the quote from above - "don't make him a priority when he is making you an option". I know it is a scary time for you but you need to look out for yourself & focus on all the positive things about you. 
Maybe by the time he has figured out what big mistake he has made, you will have moved on to find happiness & find someone who will treat your relationship with respect.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree with Believer.

You may be like me in that you are a constant "self-improver." The problem is with that is your husband can "capitalize" off of that sentiment, like my stb-x did, and then it becomes all about you - you didn't do this, you didn't provide that, whatever.

For the marriage to work, you should both be "Us-Improvers" instead of one of you being "self-improvers."

However, I do think this would work on one caveat - you go date other people too (and sleep with them). Then it's an honest "experiment" as you both experiment with the opposite sex again. That may be a healthy thing, even if perhaps judged a bit "amoral" among circles.

My two cents.


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