# A question for those who run this website



## Mr B

Any chance you can add the focused topic of Sexless Marriage on here? It is tough to talk about it in the main sex forum because most people there are having sex and those who have never experienced living in a sexless marriage, especially a long term sexless marriage can't understand and are often either unsympathetic or down right cruel in their posts.

Fully half of all people in a sexless marriage stay together and so talking about things like coping skills, deciding to step outside the marriage for sex, raising kids in a sexless household, porn and the sexless marriage etc. can be really helpful for the hundreds of thousands of couples in sexless marriages out there.

Yes there is a huge Sexless marriage group on the Experience Project almost 50,000 strong now but EP has really gone downhill lately and I think a lot of people there would appreciate the more lively discussions and the technically more user friendly format like the one you have here. Think about it.


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## DayDream

Mr B said:


> Any chance you can add the focused topic of Sexless Marriage on here? It is tough to talk about it in the main sex forum because most people there are having sex and those who have never experienced living in a sexless marriage, especially a long term sexless marriage can't understand and are often either unsympathetic or down right cruel in their posts. Fully half of all people in a sexless marriage stay together and so talking about things like coping skills, deciding to step outside the marriage for sex, raising kids in a sexless household, porn and the sexless marriage etc. can be really helpful for the hundreds of thousands of couples in sexless marriages out there.
> 
> Yes there is a huge Sexless marriage group on the Experience Project almost 40,000 strong now but EP has really gone downhill lately and I think a lot of people there would appreciate the more lively discussions and the technically more user friendly format like the one you have here. Think about it.


Honestly, I could use this too. It's been over a year for me and my husband and I don't want to bring it up in the regular forums. Over a year for no sex, and over 10 for him sleeping on the couch.


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## Amplexor

I have moved this thread to the Suggestion Box Forum which is where the owners look for these kinds of requests.


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## Mr B

Amplexor said:


> I have moved this thread to the Suggestion Box Forum which is where the owners look for these kinds of requests.



Thanks.


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## RedRose14

I think that's a great idea, there are obviously lots of married couples who no longer have sex and will not ever be having sex and no amount of reading Her Needs His Needs or whatever it is is going to change things for them, so a support group for people in the same boat would be brilliant.


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## soccermom2three

Here's the thing, those people that post cruel things are still going to be able to post those things even if there's a separate focused topic. Just like men post in the Ladies Lounge, women post in the Men's Clubhouse and people that haven't been affected by infidelity post in CWI.


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## Ceegee

soccermom2three said:


> Here's the thing, those people that post cruel things are still going to be able to post those things even if there's a separate focused topic. Just like men post in the Ladies Lounge, women post in the Men's Clubhouse and people that haven't been affected by infidelity post in CWI.



True but, like in other sub forums, if likeminded people congregate they will drown out those who may be unsympathetic. 

I like the idea.


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## Mr B

When you aren't having sex and haven't had any for years or even decades it can be extremely hard on your self esteem. It would be helpful to be able to talk to others about coping rather than hearing thoughtless advice or stupid questions from those who have never experienced this.


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## DayDream

Mr B said:


> When you aren't having sex and haven't had any for years or even decades it can be extremely hard on your self esteem. It would be helpful to be able to talk to others about coping rather than hearing thoughtless advice or stupid questions from those who have never experienced this.


It was a year in October for me and my husband. I had asked him awhile before last October why I always had to initiate sex. He said, in his usual a&$hole manner "I'm never going to beg for it." Which I've never made him do...so him saying that didn't even make sense. All I had to do was stop initiating it. He's not made a peep about it either. He seems perfectly happy with not having sex with me.


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## GettingIt_2

Mr B said:


> When you aren't having sex and haven't had any for years or even decades it can be extremely hard on your self esteem. It would be helpful to be able to talk to others about coping rather than hearing thoughtless advice or stupid questions from those who have never experienced this.


When I first came to TAM in April 2013, I ended up staying up all night reading on a thread that was full of men posting about their sexless marriages, and how painful they were. 

If I hadn't found that thread, I wouldn't have been able to start to do what I needed to do to save my marriage. 

I understand why you'd want a place to discuss this issue with folks in the same boat as you are in, but I'll forever be grateful that I had access to that thread. It literally changed my life.


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## Mr B

GettingIt said:


> When I first came to TAM in April 2013, I ended up staying up all night reading on a thread that was full of men posting about their sexless marriages, and how painful they were.
> 
> If I hadn't found that thread, I wouldn't have been able to start to do what I needed to do to save my marriage.
> 
> I understand why you'd want a place to discuss this issue with folks in the same boat as you are in, but I'll forever be grateful that I had access to that thread. It literally changed my life.


Yes and if we get our own forum discussion dedicated to the topic someone like you coming here in the future will have all the resources and info he or she needs in one place rather than the odd sexless marriage discussion in the main sex forum or having to do a search of the site.


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## Mr B

soccermom2three said:


> Here's the thing, those people that post cruel things are still going to be able to post those things even if there's a separate focused topic. Just like men post in the Ladies Lounge, women post in the Men's Clubhouse and people that haven't been affected by infidelity post in CWI.


As I said in my thread on the main sex forum if non sexless people come into a discussion area devoted to sexless marriage and say something stupid or cruel they will be chastised or corrected by people who know the subject rather than other "civilian" members who know nothing about living with this problem and usually end up making the situation worse or even hijacking the thread.


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## In Absentia

I agree... good idea.


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## EleGirl

DayDream said:


> Honestly, I could use this too. It's been over a year for me and my husband and I don't want to bring it up in the regular forums. Over a year for no sex, and over 10 for him sleeping on the couch.


We already have a forum for sex in marriage. Why not post there? It will be no different with a forum for sexless marriage. Everyone and their brother will still post there.


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## alexm

soccermom2three said:


> Here's the thing, those people that post cruel things are still going to be able to post those things even if there's a separate focused topic. Just like men post in the Ladies Lounge, women post in the Men's Clubhouse and people that haven't been affected by infidelity post in CWI.


I agree. And not to threadjack too much, but perhaps a sticky on all forums with regards to, essentially "don't post unless you have experience in the subject".

I find the same as some of you do - that many people here stick their two cents in on subjects they have no life experience with. It's fine, I suppose, if the advice is heartfelt and logical, however there are far too many folks here, good intentions or not, who tend to jump to conclusions.

With extremely personal subjects commonplace on TAM, and a lot of heartbroken people, the typical "get over it" or "I would never let my husband/wife do that to me" rhetoric can be damaging.

There are more than a handful of people here (none of whom I have anything personal against) who I just gloss over their replies, as they are almost always negative, under the guise of "telling it like it is" or being blunt, or speaking the truth.

I am not in a sexless marriage, though I have teetered on that edge more than once, and the possibility is always there. To me, there are many many reasons why people in that situation do not divorce. To hear "well, just divorce his/her a**" several times over in the a thread in which one is seeking solace is not productive. Nor is being told you are a beta, a p***y, or a doormat, etc. While it may be the case in some instances, it is still not necessarily the point of why one is posting about their sexless marriage, and can be construed as insulting or demeaning - two things which only continue the misery for the poster.

I think this subject is well worth it's own forum, as well as managing (or creating rules) to better filter out those who are merely giving an opinion from those who have actual life experience.

Personally, I think just about every regular poster here has value to TAM. However many of them like to dip their wick into anything and everything and act as though they know what they're talking about at all times, and that is not acceptable, imo. I think better judgement should be made by many people (perhaps including me at times) in terms of how they reply, and to what. Just because you have an opinion does not always mean it must be shared.

I'll give you a real world (TAM) example of my point. There was a guy here who posted for many years. The vast majority of his responses were good, many of them really, really good. But he was also very blunt and adamant that he was right. To the point where you either loved the guy, or couldn't stand him. But his advice and posts were still relevant and straight up and generally helpful. The issue I had with him (which I kept to myself) was that he was in every thread, in every forum, commenting on every topic, and yet had no real life experience with almost anything he posted on. From what I, and most of us, could tell, he had a great marriage, a healthy balance, and was happy in life. This struck me as odd, as I always wondered what brought him here in the first place. I believe I asked him once, and got no response.

Now advice from somebody who is in a good marriage is obviously very valuable, as most of us here are not (which is WHY we're here). However I did take issue with him offering his blunt style of "advice" in threads and on topics that he merely had an opinion on. The good he did here FAR outweighed the bad, however there were many who he rubbed the wrong way, and even drove from TAM due to his style and insistence on always knowing what's best for others.

This is the type of thing that needs to be slightly better managed here on TAM, imo. That's not a knock on the moderators or owners at all, it's just reality. The fact is, many people get a little too comfortable here, and others comfortable with them. When somebody new comes along, especially with a very personal subject to discuss, it's very easy for them to be run off. Then they're branded a troll when they don't come back. Nobody needs to have their advice candy-coated, but for many who come here seeking advice, it's almost as though there's an old boys/girls club running this place at times. This place, like any forum, should be more welcoming, particularly given the subjects at hand here.


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## Ceegee

alexm said:


> I agree. And not to threadjack too much, but perhaps a sticky on all forums with regards to, essentially "don't post unless you have experience in the subject".
> 
> I find the same as some of you do - that many people here stick their two cents in on subjects they have no life experience with. It's fine, I suppose, if the advice is heartfelt and logical, however there are far too many folks here, good intentions or not, who tend to jump to conclusions.
> 
> With extremely personal subjects commonplace on TAM, and a lot of heartbroken people, the typical "get over it" or "I would never let my husband/wife do that to me" rhetoric can be damaging.
> 
> There are more than a handful of people here (none of whom I have anything personal against) who I just gloss over their replies, as they are almost always negative, under the guise of "telling it like it is" or being blunt, or speaking the truth.
> 
> I am not in a sexless marriage, though I have teetered on that edge more than once, and the possibility is always there. To me, there are many many reasons why people in that situation do not divorce. To hear "well, just divorce his/her a**" several times over in the a thread in which one is seeking solace is not productive. Nor is being told you are a beta, a p***y, or a doormat, etc. While it may be the case in some instances, it is still not necessarily the point of why one is posting about their sexless marriage, and can be construed as insulting or demeaning - two things which only continue the misery for the poster.
> 
> I think this subject is well worth it's own forum, as well as managing (or creating rules) to better filter out those who are merely giving an opinion from those who have actual life experience.
> 
> Personally, I think just about every regular poster here has value to TAM. However many of them like to dip their wick into anything and everything and act as though they know what they're talking about at all times, and that is not acceptable, imo. I think better judgement should be made by many people (perhaps including me at times) in terms of how they reply, and to what. Just because you have an opinion does not always mean it must be shared.
> 
> I'll give you a real world (TAM) example of my point. There was a guy here who posted for many years. The vast majority of his responses were good, many of them really, really good. But he was also very blunt and adamant that he was right. To the point where you either loved the guy, or couldn't stand him. But his advice and posts were still relevant and straight up and generally helpful. The issue I had with him (which I kept to myself) was that he was in every thread, in every forum, commenting on every topic, and yet had no real life experience with almost anything he posted on. From what I, and most of us, could tell, he had a great marriage, a healthy balance, and was happy in life. This struck me as odd, as I always wondered what brought him here in the first place. I believe I asked him once, and got no response.
> 
> Now advice from somebody who is in a good marriage is obviously very valuable, as most of us here are not (which is WHY we're here). However I did take issue with him offering his blunt style of "advice" in threads and on topics that he merely had an opinion on. The good he did here FAR outweighed the bad, however there were many who he rubbed the wrong way, and even drove from TAM due to his style and insistence on always knowing what's best for others.
> 
> This is the type of thing that needs to be slightly better managed here on TAM, imo. That's not a knock on the moderators or owners at all, it's just reality. The fact is, many people get a little too comfortable here, and others comfortable with them. When somebody new comes along, especially with a very personal subject to discuss, it's very easy for them to be run off. Then they're branded a troll when they don't come back. Nobody needs to have their advice candy-coated, but for many who come here seeking advice, it's almost as though there's an old boys/girls club running this place at times. This place, like any forum, should be more welcoming, particularly given the subjects at hand here.


If you're talking about Conrad, he did not have a great marriage. It was very strained but he loves his wife very much. 

If anyone has real world experience it is he.


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## askari

I've just read this thread. I am all for 'Sexless Marriage' forum too. Somewhere frustrated people can simply 'vent' as well as look for advice.

One thing on the Sex in Marriage forum I find 'frustrating' is that people - generally in a sexed up marriage - are very quick to criticise.
One thing in particular is when people in sexless marriages admit to having been unfaithful. 

Whilst we all know adultery is wrong, we are all human. People know that smoking can kill yet they still do it.

If you are thirsty and someone offers you a drink you will take it.

I just wish those in 'happy' and 'fully sexed' marriages would try to be a bit more understanding.

Instead of posting 'You should be ashamed of yourself for being unfaithful. Divorce first'....it would be far more sympathetic to write 'What you did was wrong and you shouldn't have done it. However, I can understand why you did it'.

Not everything in life is black & white.


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