# Encouragement needed



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

So, my separation is moving to a full-on divorce. Ex is moving out in 2 weeks and it can't come soon enough. Through the 6 weeks' separation I've identified that I have been married to a narcissist for 5 years. We were best friends and I trusted him with my life. 

It seems like he's going out of his way to make me feel bad about myself, and ultimately blaming everything on the fact that I've been focused on my recent (1.5 years ago) career opportunity and have had less time to lift weights as I did for years. My body has softened up somewhat and even though he never mentioned it to me he said if I'd "continued to work out heavy" we wouldn't be in this mess. He continues to tell me certain attributes on my body look great while at the same time making me feel like I've let myself go (I haven't).

How do I recover from this? It's something I can't even discuss with my friends because they will hate him. Anyone else that has gotten through a relationship with a narcissist? How do I come through with my self-esteem in tact?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tell him you agree with him 100%.

Your muscles "have" suffered some by not exercising them. they have shrunk a bit...and are now more feminine.

NOW:

-Tell him that his hat size has gotten smaller.

-Tell him his hairline has increased, slowly heading down his forehead.

-Tell him that his eyes are getting closer to his ears, and his ears appear to be getting proportionately larger, when you look at his head.

-Tell him that you notice his tongue can now reach his nose.

-Tell him when you stop using your brain....all these things do happen. And that others are laughing at him behind his pin head.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good riddance, I'd say! Why in the hell do you care whether friends hate him or not? I'd say he earned it by treating you the way he has!


----------



## JrzyGrl (Sep 1, 2016)

Wow the reason it all went south for him is because you work out less?! He's a real catch. You will be much better off without him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

What does it matter if your friends hate him? That is what friends are for! To support you when you are down, and validate the awfulness of your STBX. (And you would do the same for them, right???)

Your friends will help you get through this, and they will remind you how great you are when he says otherwise.


----------



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Yes, well, that's what he keeps going back to. My career is on the uptick, I take pride in being a great wife and friend, and yet that is what he focuses on. There's nothing else he could say about me, and I guess because he hit me right in the place I was insecure about it has been such a blow to my self-esteem. In my mind it makes no sense.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A man that loves his wife never notices when she gets fat, or whatever. I have a really good friend whose wife is anorexic and I don't think he has ever seen it because he LOVES her. She was once a gorgeous woman (she had abusive parents and relatives who made her feel ugly and has self-professed low self esteem), and now is not nearly as attractive because she is far too skinny. I have often wondered how an attractive person could be so insecure. After getting to know her, I see why-- mean people around her that she respected that put her down. This woman was a KNOCKOUT and didn't even realize it. 

This is just an example. 

Need some encouragement? I don't know what you look like, but a good person who believes in themselves is going to be hugely attractive to SOMEONE. You will surely be better off with someone other than a man who would consider ending a relationship with " number of workouts" as a legitimate factor for leaving.

I can almost bet that a year from now you'll be wondering why you ever loved this "man".


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> Yes, well, that's what he keeps going back to. My career is on the uptick, I take pride in being a great wife and friend, and yet that is what he focuses on. There's nothing else he could say about me, and *I guess because he hit me right in the place I was insecure about* it has been such a blow to my self-esteem. *In my mind it makes no sense*.


Your sense is his non-sense. This is a smoke screen.

You answered your own question.

He knows where it hurts the most. He is angry at you, frustrated with you. What a Jerk.

If you live with someone long enough, you know their *Sad Song Radio* _presets_. He hits those buttons.

Smile at him when he brings this muscle and weight issue. Tell him you have outgrown that person.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

1. You are divorcing him, so who cares what he thinks.
2. You have the freedom of speech, use your voice to tell whomever, whatever you want. 
3. Lord help the next woman he gets. I hope she looks like a barbie, and has the funds to have as much plastic
Surgery as she needs to keep his interest.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just don't even respond. Silence is something that will keep you from getting into a fight which is what he wants, and narcissists hate to be ignored. A win win for everyone 

Once he's out of the house, and you're divorced, you can go completely no contact, and work on healing yourself. Sorry you're going through this right now. ((hug))


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

.


----------



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> A man that loves his wife never notices when she gets fat, or whatever. I have a really good friend whose wife is anorexic and I don't think he has ever seen it because he LOVES her. She was once a gorgeous woman (she had abusive parents and relatives who made her feel ugly and has self-professed low self esteem), and now is not nearly as attractive because she is far too skinny. I have often wondered how an attractive person could be so insecure. After getting to know her, I see why-- mean people around her that she respected that put her down. This woman was a KNOCKOUT and didn't even realize it.
> 
> This is just an example.
> 
> ...


I hope so. It hurts so much more because this was my best friend. I can't count the number of times we would stay up all night talking about everything, our dreams, goals, future. Even recently. I feel betrayed. Lost my husband and best friend in one fell swoop. It makes me sick. The men who have come out of the woodwork already make me angry, simply because they think he's an idiot. I got chatted up at a conference a few weeks ago and the guy just couldn't learn enough about me, compliment me, ect. And it hit me that this nice, successful guy (who was more handsome than STBXH) felt so thankful just to get to get my number and my husband, who I gave everything to, could just discard me.


----------



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Your sense is his non-sense. This is a smoke screen.
> 
> You answered your own question.
> 
> ...


You're right. The deliberate hurt is what makes me angry. He knows he is hurting me. Doesn't care. He's always been tactful, and could have sat me down and told me how he felt without destroying our life.


----------



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Spicy said:


> 1. You are divorcing him, so who cares what he thinks.
> 2. You have the freedom of speech, use your voice to tell whomever, whatever you want.
> 3. Lord help the next woman he gets. I hope she looks like a barbie, and has the funds to have as much plastic
> Surgery as she needs to keep his interest.


Let's hope that the Barbie brings him back to his own reality....without me.


----------



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Just don't even respond. Silence is something that will keep you from getting into a fight which is what he wants, and narcissists hate to be ignored. A win win for everyone
> 
> Once he's out of the house, and you're divorced, you can go completely no contact, and work on healing yourself. Sorry you're going through this right now. ((hug))


Thank you! I never, ever thought I'd be going through this. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, not even for the loss of romance but the loss of my confidant.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You THOUGHT he was your best friend. Ceasar thought Brutus was a pretty good pal, too.
Fact is, he is not the person you thought. Actually, he has BECOME a different (far different) person. He seems that way because he is. It's incredibly tempting and hard to avoid the self pity. Thing is, you CAN move on, you CAN forget him, you CAN be happy without him.
And it'll be completely up to you. Try not to dwell on what you can't change (was the hardest part for me, too), and concentrate on what you can.
Date, find another friend/confidant/lover. You may find they're far better than you dreamed possible.
And good luck doing it. People suck sometimes.


----------



## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I am hearing similar from my wife. She is supposedly upset that I am no longer in the same shape I was in when we married. She tole me tonight she no longer finds my physically attractive. I don't even care anymore.


----------

