# Really? Limbo?



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

I have a thread on CI called Really? Again? and one in considering separation divorce called Limbo. I want to move the discussion here since I think Divorce is next. I don't think I want to R and I don't think I want a separation. My biggest issue is getting up the guts to be forceful with H and taking action. The next issue is trying to navigate a D with a child to consider and keeping my relationship with my H on good terms for co parenting. 

Brief summery. We have been married 15 years and the first D Day happened after our child was 4 months old about 5 years ago. Possibly he was starting an EA for and exit affair with co worker but who really knows. I found text messages to and from a co worker which implied at least a flirtatious relationship. When I confronted him he said he wanted to separate so he could be available incase his soul mate came along and the OW was just the most wonder person he ever met. I blew up everything, told everyone, called OW and scared her away. I left him for 4 months with our child. I came back because I wanted the house and I really wanted to R. H really wasn't too into R but passively went along. H withdrew more, he lost interest in sex and intimacy. I got a job I love, have more confidence. I was getting along well with H and life was going ok if I could have reconnected with H. However he accidentally called me during a meet up with same OW about a month ago for D day2. Claims it was an innocent meet up that has happen twice by a verbal agreement from work. Says he doesn't want a D but doesn't seem to want to R either. He is willing to put a little effort in R but not enough. I want another child but he doesn't. He doesn't have a problem with a sexless marriage but I do. He is willing to lie and keep secrets from me so I don't trust him.  He doesn't like me going through his phone and I don't like being in a relationship that requires me to do that. These are not small problems we can work through passively. 

I read Co Dependent No More which was eye opening. I can be very co dependent and my H really knows how to get me going in circles. I make lots of plans and then when I talk to him and he says how bad he feels all my plans collapse. 

I have been reading some of the posts here from start to finish and it makes me suspect that our situation isn't really unique at all. It's like a compelling novel reading them from start to finish.

My current plan is to separate finances completely. After a big fight a year ago I made him open his own account and put his money in it. He pays 50% of the bills. I do make more money than my H and would like to keep the house if possible. It's a nice place for our child. I can't afford the loan alone so we would have to leave it in both our names. Luckily I just paid off my car. Our child's birthday is in a couple of weeks and I want to keep things between H and I tolerable until that. I am familiar with detatching similar to the 180 rules. I have gone through that on and off for years just to survive emotionally. Not sure I should do that now because I don't want H to sudden in like things are normal now. I want him uncomfortable and preparing for a separation. What advice does anyone have?

The last two times d day happened he acted willing to do whatever I wanted. That is until he starts looking at how little money he will have without me. Both times his attitude changed after looking at the price of apartments. I have always been over our finances because he gets stressed out. How do I stop worry about him and worry about me?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is so sad when a man looks at an attractive women up and down and only sees dollar signs.

It is said only women do this....

No so, Eh?

Yes, divorce.

You may have to refinance the house for a longer period/better rate to afford the payments. Do this, if possible.

If not, then sell it and downsize to:
A smaller house...
Smaller initial expectations...having less, owing less.
Less headaches, heartaches..

Upsize to:
A better man... in spirit and fidelity.
More peace of mind...
More love, more love making....


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Don't worry about what he does, worry about yourself. The best thing you can do is eat healthy and workout (assuming you don't already). Focus on yourself and your kid and start looking for a lawyer. The 180 isn't for him to want you back, it's for you to separate yourself from the situation. Become emotionally indifferent to him.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

I have felt terrible for years about telling everyone about the EA last time. My H still likes to tell me how terrible of a betrayal that was. I feel a little better since that is advice even professions give. I am not doing that this time. There isn't any point.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You realize what he was doing to you, right? There was only one betrayal. Once he did that, you owe him nothing. Exposing it should have shown him who he was. The fact he made you feel terrible about it, well, you should have left him then.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's good at manipulating you. It's time to stop letting him. Of course he wants life his way but that doesn't mean you have to go along with that. Don't get pulled into his emotions. They're his to deal with. You have your own emotions to deal with. Don't have long, involved conversations with him about emotions and how he feels versus how you feel. That's not productive and will keep you in limbo. 

I was married for a very long time. My husband was a cheater who didn't want a divorce and he pulled out all the stops both times I was ready to leave. The first time I allowed myself to get pulled back in. The second time I didn't. Why? Because I finally realized he would never change no matter how much I wanted him to. Your husband isn't likely to change either. He's shown you who he really is once before. Believe him this time. 

It's time for you to move on.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Even though it hurts, thanks for reminding me. I do realize the possibility that he is continuing the affair from 5 years ago. Last time my world was crumbling and I will not regret any decision I made because I know I was doing the best that I could. This time I am more ready and educated about the manipulation. It's too hard to imagine he does it on purpose so I believe it's subconscious. Makes it easier for me to accept.

There is a fantasy about R and that maybe I am making something out of nothing. There isn't anyway to ignore his lying. There isn't anyway I can continue knowing he met with the OW after work no matter "it was only 20 mins," or "nothing happening it was impersonal." The very best case senerio is that he passively aggressively met with a women who I left him for 5 years ago behind my back. One of the greatest betrayals is him witholding the information. It was a condition that he told me about any contact he had with her since he refused to leave that job. I was never supposed to know. He is only sorry he got caught. 

Talking it through does help me and keeps me from sticking my head in the sand. I didn't have the right information last time. It took me at least a year or two of self anylizing and reading to find the co dependent no more. I could see the manipulation happening but didn't know what it was. I haven't told anyone yet except TAM because I am trying make decisions when I am calmer and I want to blow anything up until after my childs birthday. I don't feel like I need to tel everyone everything. Once they know I am D my H they can probably figure it out anyway. 

I was ready that Nice Guys book. My H sounds like if like a "Nice Guy". He is such a nice guy that this seems out of character even to himself. But I can't worry about his feelings. Always trying to "fix" him.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

I have been thinking about some new boundaries I plan to implement. In the past I have had such a hard time putting my foot down. I am new to this so please let me know if I am good my too far. 

1) I don't want to work harder, work over time, get a second job, etc to keep my H more comfortable during and after the D. I didn't put us in this situation. It's easy to get extra hrs at my job so I have worked 40-60 hrs a week over the last year or two to get us in a better situation and I am done with that. I lose time with our child. H has to take responsibility. Not for me but for our kid. I don't want to jeopardize my financial future either. Is it better to prioritize my financial health over my mental health?

2) There has to be a limited amount of time he has to live here. I know he can pay it off faster living with me but it's asking a lot. We aren't fighting because I am just letting it simmer under the surface. 

3) IC is crazy expensive. I made an appt for a couple weeks. Does anyone have tips for IC or another good forum group for self help?

4) H doesn't want anyone to know about our problems. I have agreed because I wanted time to think first. I am almost ready to talk but worry it will all blow up after that. I have had a few conversations with family were I almost talked about it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you are on the right track. Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? YOu should, you might have to pay your WH alimony if you split.
Why will you not expose what your WH has done, of course he doesn't want anyone to know, typical cheaters, flourish in the darkness. Expose him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> The last two times d day happened he acted willing to do whatever I wanted. That is until he starts looking at how little money he will have without me. Both times his attitude changed after looking at the price of apartments. I have always been over our finances because he gets stressed out. How do I stop worry about him and worry about me?


There's no doubt that's his biggest reason for staying - financial reasons.

Not only would he have much less without your larger salary, but he'd also be on the hook for child support, so I can see his sudden 'interest' in wanting to work on the marriage <cough cough> when faced with high rents and no cash. There's something incredibly unappealing about a man who has to depend on his wife to bring home the majority of the income because he wasn't ambitious enough to make something of himself.

Of course he's still involved with his OW. He's not in your marriage for the right reasons, he's there because he's underemployed and the livin' is easier with the money you bring in. You caught him the first time and forgave him. He literally **** all over your gift of forgiveness and has in all likelihood continued his affair, He shows it in his actions every day of being totally disconnected from you and not interested in intimacy or anything else. It's painfully transparent why he's there.

I have to be honest, I'm not getting "nice guy" from your husband at ALL. I'm getting liar, opportunist, cheater, user, and gas-lighter.

I'm not a huge believer in airing my dirty laundry to anyone who'll listen. I don't like being the subject of gossip and I don't like being pitied. That's just _my_ personal boundary but if you feel the need to tell whoever you see fit, then that's perfectly OK too (when the time is right).

But the first thing you REALLY need to do is get an education at your lawyer's office. Everything right now is based on pure supposition. Get the FACTS so you can make *educated *choices and decisions based on what you're entitled to. 

Aine's suggestion, that you might have to pay this cheater alimony, makes me dry heave. Please GET TO A LAWYER and find out what your options will be.

Good luck to you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The less you make in the last couple years, the better you off when it comes to paying him for alimony or child support. I'd also start stashing money. Having a couple grand in cash that is hidden will be huge if you divorce. 

If you two divorce, you will have to refinance the house in your name only or sell it. You'll have about 12 months to do this after decree is signed off by the judge. You can't keep his name on it, that's just not how it works unless he's very stupid and doesn't obtain legal advice. 

Get to an attorney and pay a couple hundred dollars to get legal advice on how a divorce would look.

Sounds like you need some more evidence that he's still cheating so you can leave him for good and not think twice about it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Most atty's will give you a free 15-30 minute consultation. It is how they entice new customers. Go talk to 2 or 3 of them. You'll learn how things work where you live. You need real information, not general information or wrong information from strangers on a forum.

There is no perfect time to have a conversation or to get divorced. Don't try to massage the timing. Just put in motion things which need to be done.

Your husband is not worthy of your trust. He is not adding value to your life, is he? He is causing you great stress and distress. He is not helping your child grow up in a happy home. He is abusing you. I don't think he has ever thought of marriage or family the way that you do. Thus, I don't think there is any hope he will ever be the kind of husband you want and deserve. I am very pro-marriage and pro-family, but I just don't see a turn around here for you.

So start getting your ducks in a row. You need to talk to a lawyer to learn what will be in your favor or disfavor. As for having a stash of cash somewhere, I support the idea of you having money he cannot access, but, you must be fully truthful in all your legal disclosures during the divorce process. If a judge finds out you've been lying and hiding some $, things will go poorly for you.

As for the house, don't get too obsessed with keeping it. The #1 financial mistake in divorce is staying in a house you can't afford, leading to bankruptcy. It is better to move sooner while preserving financial health rather than moving during a financial disaster. Be realistic about if you can afford it. Your young child will survive and thrive in a new home. Transitions can cause anxiety, but kids make friends quickly and they find fun really fast in new places.

My advice is to sever all financial and legal ties asap when you divorce. Keep entanglements as brief as possible. For me, there was about 9 months wait to get my equity out of the family home. It was a huge relief to no longer have that tie to her. I would advise against keeping your husband's name on the house or mortgage if you can find an alternate arrangement.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

This is just awful! I doubt checked any potential evidence I might have to support infidelity and found the old text message with OW from 5 years ago. It is just crushing me. It's so horrible because they discuss if her bf has figured anything out and my H goes on and on about how "passionless" I am and how wonder she is. They make some reference to meeting up in the cold to use a telescope. H said he was on a high from her. It's so painful to read! Now I am so angry I want a divorce now, not in a few months. Makes me sad and angry. I called a lawyer and he said I would likely owe my H a small amount of child support even if we split the care of my child. 

My H seems like he wouldn't try and get money from me. He is so worried about his credit score and keeping up appearances. He also seems guilty and doing more around the house like that helps. I have to talk to him and figure out how much he is willing to work together to save money. Maybe I will call a couple more lawyers tomorrow and meet up with one. 

I will try to be willing to part with the house. I can't afford it if my H doesn't take financial responsibility. If he gives me a hard time I have to be willing to walk away. It's not for me I am upset but for our child. 

We don't have enough equity to sell right now but who knows for sure. Maybe a realitor is on my list to call as well as a bankruptcy attorney just for information. 

I have been making lots of progress with self reflecting about why I am willing to put up with so much crap from my H to keep my marriage. In a nutshell, my narssistic mom made me feel like I am not good enough. I was surprised a good guy like my H wanted me. It proved my Mom wrong. Now my H leaving me (at least emotionally) potentially means my Mom was right and I wasn't good enough to keep him. It's rejection from my H and my Mom.

Happy Mother's Day!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I did everything backwards I guess. The second I found out my husband was cheating he was history. I kicked him out. At that point finances and who knew and all that other stuff was the furthest thing from my mind.

Please don't think he won't ask for anything. The minute he gets a lawyer that's the first thing that lawyer will think of. You need a lawyer of your own stat.

Also, have you been tested for STD's?


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Something interesting. The number listed in the save test messages are not his number. I know many message showed up on our bill at the time. I worried he was using some kind of app that scrambles your number or changes numbers. Like google voice assigns a different number. He had 2 different numbers over 2 months. The messages were in some kind of saved file with lots of codes. 

What does this mean?


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Sat down with H for a big talk. He seemed sad but resigned about a D. He seemed guilty and willing to do whatever I wanted. I told him I wanted to stay in the house with our child and he agreed that would be best and he would do whatever he needed to do that we can. He is going to stay here for a few months as long as he is making good progress on paying down debt and going through D is smooth. I want to file in June so hopefully by September it will be final and he can move out. 

Now let's see if he does it. Talk is cheap.

Kind of frustrating that we can sit down and work out a D but we can't work out a M.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Guess I am hitting the sadness/ depression part of grief. Yesterday I was almost happy. We had a trip planned in a few weeks and I was actually thinking it might work. It started to hit me how many things I was denying or forgetting about. The death of our entire future together that I was planning. I was foolish to think he was ever apart of it. It's partially my fault for ignoring his withdrawal and letting it slide. It makes me feel used. My heart breaks for myself and all the dreams I had for my future but also for my child. I realize new dreams will develop but it's hard at the moment. 

Since this morning I can't seem to stop crying for long and my H wants to know what's wrong. What do I tell him? I can tell lots of stuff at him but not sure it will help. He is just feeling guilty but I have lost any respect for guilt. His guilt doesn't seem to make any difference for me. I hope his guilt will make the divorce go better but that's it.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

So sorry, I've been there. You have to greive the lost of the marriage. Its normal. But your future dreams and desires can be realized once you are beyond this. And you will get beyond it!!!! 

Work through today. Cry as long as you need. Just don't stay there. Just tell your Husband if you like that's its just a rough day and move on. If you are divorcing, you need to detach for your sanity. You may live in the same house but detach fully. Just communicate when needed. You are solely responsible for your feelings and you can handle them. Let him be solely responsible for his.

You have support here. Lean a bit on that but not on him. It just keeps y'all tortured and entangled. 

Go a vacation without him and CHOSE to find enjoyment in everyday of it.

You are doing good. Keep moving forward!!!


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Joyfull said:


> So sorry, I've been there. You have to greive the lost of the marriage. Its normal. But your future dreams and desires can be realized once you are beyond this. And you will get beyond it!!!!
> 
> Work through today. Cry as long as you need. Just don't stay there. Just tell your Husband if you like that's its just a rough day and move on. If you are divorcing, you need to detach for your sanity. You may live in the same house but detach fully. Just communicate when needed. You are solely responsible for your feelings and you can handle them. Let him be solely responsible for his.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I need a boost today. Making some progress negotiating D with my H. Hoping to start paperwork with a paralegal in a few weeks.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Getting creeped out to actually file. Just because it feels terrible doesn't mean it's wrong, right? Is it better to wait awhile? My H doesn't seem to have a problem with divorcing but he has not told anyone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you're feeling is the fear of the unknown. The upcoming change will be tough for awhile while you work through it. There's nothing easy about divorce. It's a stressful time. But it won't get better the longer you wait.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Guess what!?! My Stbx thinks we are going to be friends after the divorce. Anyone else find this funny? Friends is not my first choice of words. I am going to ageee until we are divorced. Just heard about the grey rock method. Sounds like a winner plan for me.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> Guess what!?! My Stbx thinks we are going to be friends after the divorce. Anyone else find this funny? Friends is not my first choice of words. I am going to ageee until we are divorced. Just heard about the grey rock method. Sounds like a winner plan for me.


Cake eating. Classic cheaters script. My STBXW is exactly the same, she must think that if we can all be friends, her infidelity can't be that bad. Pah!

Good plan, keep it cordial (comms on kids and divorce only) until you get what you need from the divorce and then fully detach.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> Guess what!?! My Stbx thinks we are going to be friends after the divorce. Anyone else find this funny? Friends is not my first choice of words. I am going to ageee until we are divorced. Just heard about the grey rock method. Sounds like a winner plan for me.


Good.

And I'd LET him think that. 

But let's keep our feet in reality here. You caught him cheating and he was honest and said he wanted to leave, that he didn't want to be married anymore, and you basically begged him to stay when he didn't want to. He was honest about that as well and TOLD you he wasn't staying in the marriage for love, and that he wasn't in it to win it.

Over time, he realized how good he had it with you bringing home a large salary so all of a sudden, it was to his benefit to stay with you - but his feelings hadn't changed. He's still been cheating and lying and doing all the crap he's always done. When he knows he's overplayed his hand and you're ready to boot him out the door, he becomes Mr. Nice Guy and is all of a sudden only too happy to start doing things around the house. How big of him. How do you not laugh when he puts on this dog and pony show of doing what he SHOULD have been doing all along around the house? Big deal. His lazy ass has gotten away with not doing it for years.

He's done nothing but take advantage of you financially, lie to you, cheat on you, and continually paint a false reality for you. Because the alternative wasn't financially desirable for HIM.

And quite honestly, I think you're setting yourself up for *more* manipulation from this user. He's managed to make you think that him staying at home until September will help you both because he's 'paying down debt' (mostly with your money, no doubt). He's simply going to use these next few months to 'prove' to you how worthy his lying ass is, hoping you'll fall for it again and pull the divorce before it becomes final. He's a weasel and as transparent as* hell* and I think he's playing along with the divorce but thinks he'll get you to change your mind.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Thestarsarefalling said:
> 
> 
> > Guess what!?! My Stbx thinks we are going to be friends after the divorce. Anyone else find this funny? Friends is not my first choice of words. I am going to ageee until we are divorced. Just heard about the grey rock method. Sounds like a winner plan for me.
> ...


Only time will tell. He told me the other day he thought to move out sooner. Threw me off a little. I think him staying to pay off debt is also for my benefit since it's in my name too. If he moves out too soon it will be harder to pay off. Maybe I am getting to controlling and just have to let him figure it out. I think I am still waiting for him to change his mind, isn't that crazy? Nope I am going to keep my mouth shut and be a grey rock.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Deep down I feel he wants to leave and spend time opening with OW. He wants to play house with her for awhile and then maybe come back. Maybe I am paranoid but I am trying to be ready for it.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Update. We have been separated about a month now. Cant say it's getting easier but it hasn't been bad. My stbx keeps his distance, doesn't initiate conversations except about bills, kid stuff, or taking more stuff. My councilor suggested I wait to file because many people rush and regret not asking for more later. Her words were "you might not have all the information yet." I am not sure what she meant but I feel like this could be true for our custody agreement so I am waiting to see how dedicated to being a father he is and how reliable he will be.

Any tips on what kinds of things to put in our custody agreement? 

It hurts like hell when he come over grabs his stuff and then leaves without a care but I just let him go. I bite my tongue and keep my feelings/thoughts to myself. When I see something funny he might like, I don't text him. Just a gray rock here. He has been bugging me when I am trying to sleep for trivial things like what time is soccer. Today he came over to borrow my car and woke me up again even though he could have asked yesterday. Never listens and doesn't plan ahead. I work nights and sleep is a serious issue for me. His work is seasonal and right now he isn't working. All the time he wants and he has to come when I am sleeping. Figures. 

He turned down spending the 4th of July with our son even though my H has no one to spend it with. Unless he actually does have someone and he doesn't want to tell me. 

Complicating everything more is my brother. He is also divorcing and needing a place to stay. I have lots of space and need extra help so it seems like a no brained. Except his divorce is much worse and his stbx wife is a nightmare. I stay up worrying she will come over yelling and I will have to call the police. All my worst fears about my divorce is coming true for him and it stresses me out. It feels a little like I am finding someone else to take care of instead of worrying about my own problems.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Glad to hear things are going as well as can be expected. Divorce is hard to get through but life will be better once that's over. 

Of course, he's seeing someone. That's why he was anxious to get out. He's not going to tell you that he is because it's very likely the woman he worked with. His story, later, will be that they didn't begin seeing each other until long after you were separated. If (or when) that relationship fails he may try to come back. He'll say he's had a change of heart and misses his family, blah, blah, blah. The usual Plan B speech. Be prepared so you aren't caught off guard if that happens.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Glad to hear things are going as well as can be expected. Divorce is hard to get through but life will be better once that's over.
> 
> Of course, he's seeing someone. That's why he was anxious to get out. He's not going to tell you that he is because it's very likely the woman he worked with. His story, later, will be that they didn't begin seeing each other until long after you were separated. If (or when) that relationship fails he may try to come back. He'll say he's had a change of heart and misses his family, blah, blah, blah. The usual Plan B speech. Be prepared so you aren't caught off guard if that happens.


I can't believe he will want to come back, he seems certain and I haven't been giving him hope. Then again I could have never imagine any of this happening. After the humiliation and embarrassment fades and I feel more comfortable financially I can't imagine taking him back. There really must be a play book cheaters go off of. It's crazy how predictable they are. So do glad I found TAM to keep telling me the truth when he was giving me lies. 

Thanks a bunch! 


I don't know if I am rewriting history or just admitting the truth of how our relationship has been. He has always admitting he has been a good husband since he didn't beat me. It sounded crazy so I thought he was joking but he said it multiple times and never took it back. I have asked him if I had breast cancer and they had to remove my breast if he would still love me and he wavers. It sounds like a bad joke but even in the moment I was left uncertain. It's no good, this man sucks. 

He has been gone a month and my work load is about the same because he didn't do much. I have found new words to describe him after thinking about our relationship. Shallow. He really only cares about how our relationship looked to others but never really wanted to put any effort in. He really isn't into our religion which is a big deal to me. He just doesn't seem to have much depth. 

Our lives together mean less to him since he was never very invested anyway. I asked for more from him but when he didn't I just covered for him and tolerated it.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good.
> 
> And quite honestly, I think you're setting yourself up for *more* manipulation from this user. He's managed to make you think that him staying at home until September will help you both because he's 'paying down debt' (mostly with your money, no doubt). He's simply going to use these next few months to 'prove' to you how worthy his lying ass is, hoping you'll fall for it again and pull the divorce before it becomes final. He's a weasel and as transparent as* hell* and I think he's playing along with the divorce but thinks he'll get you to change your mind.



I think you were right. After the first week I figured out he was just saving money for himself while I paid for everything else. I told him to go asap and within a week he was gone. It was sudden and painful but it does help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's always a shock when we finally realize we are not loved in the same way that we love. 

You've done really great. It's not an easy process (to say the least) and you've handled it very well. I know there's still a part that hurts a little but that won't always be the case. Once you're completely free of him you'll wonder why you ever waited so long.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Question. I haven't been focusing on divorcing right now to get my work schedule set up for the custody arrangement. Saving up money to pay a lawyer. Is procrastinating a divorce once it's over a good or bad idea? When a guy here finds out his wife is cheating and he suddenly divorces quickly everyone applauds that. Is that actually better than a slow thought out divorce? I am wondering this because I suspect I am avoiding it more than using the time wisely to plan and save. Am I secretly hoping stbx will come back? Why not make it legal ASAP?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In your case, I think you're still waiting for him to change his mind and choose you. And that would be not be a good idea.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you think you are avoiding divorce for emotional reasons, you probably are.

There is always a reason not to do it right now. One of the kids has a school trip next month. Parents are planning on visiting for Christmas. And on and on and on.

Realize that there is no perfect time to do something, and now is as good a time as any. If money is short, it is probably better to divorce now than wait. The more you have, the more you'll lose in divorce.

While divorce is not optimal, you will feel better soon after you get the process going.


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