# 25 Years and He Doesn't Love Me



## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

I am still shocked to be writing this but am struggling with my emotions. Next week I will celebrate my 25th anniversary. The problem is last week my husband told me "he's not happy" and while he loves me, he's (you guessed it), not "in love with me."

I don't know how to proceed. Despite this, he is a trusting person and I don't believe there's another person involved. He has agreed to go to counseling and has gone twice on his own. I will go this week by myself and eventually we'll end up together. So, I guess we're doing the right steps but the hurt is incredible.

Short term, I need advice on how to handle my anniversary next week. We are trying to make a commitment to work on our marriage but aren't sure how convincing we'll be to friends and family when they want to congratulate us on this milestone.

Long term, well I hope counseling helps. I just don't know how to get those words out of my head -- in my head I keep replaying the song, "I can't make you love me if you won't."

Thanks for listening.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

((((hugs)))))

You have enough on your plate right now. Don't stress about "pretending" for other people. Just say 'thank you' if they congratulate you and leave it at that.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Your situation would be enigmatic if there wasn't someone or something else involved..."I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a precursor for something else.

I might be willing to go out on a limb with your case though and say that possibly, as time has carried on, you've grown apart, that's always possible.

I don't know how stable your marriage was or how close you two were...and what might have happened in the last year or so...all of those things can help to discover what might have happened.

It's good that you are both going to counseling, that may help get things righted and if not, then might help you to understand what went wrong.

As for the milestone, celebrate as much as you can without it being too painful and don't worry about putting on a front for anyone. You don't need to be burdened with that either...

Preacher


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## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

I think we became parents and stopped being a couple. We had two very active children and spent a lot of time at their activities. With both off to college now I hope we can reconnect as a couple. One of our children had health issues that seem to be behind us now but that was pretty consuming as well.

We are going away for a few days on our anniversary. I just don't want to have unrealistic expectations. A month ago I anticipated romance; today I'm just hoping to get through without too much disappointment.

Neither one of us has shared this struggle with others (family or friends).


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, I have three kids and one on the way and there is 16 years between the oldest and the one coming...and yes, kids can make life very busy. Having one with health issues can add to that I'm sure...

We always have made time for us though...that's the number one priority in a marriage, the marriage comes first...a lot of couples think the kids come first but that's not correct thinking.

As for the romance...make it happen...don't go into it with any expecations outside of having fun, enjoying each others company and doing whatever you feel like doing. Just go into the trip and time together as simply that...something fun.

Preacher


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

i am in the same boat (but the husband) and married only ~16 years..... i am here for the kids but now that the kids are somewhat independent I have found that my wife and I really have very little in common and nothing but long silences. 

Unfort, I would not want to to away for a weekend with just her. I don't think it would be fun at all. She thinks this is normal because her parents are still married even after 50 years and that is how their marriage is. No talking, no romance, no love that I can see... just two people that co-exist.... 

I know my post didn't help the positive sides...... i wish i had a happy ending kind of story.... I am trying to figure out a way to make everyone happy but I think my leaving the house is the only way to get it started...



jeanne said:


> I think we became parents and stopped being a couple. We had two very active children and spent a lot of time at their activities. With both off to college now I hope we can reconnect as a couple. One of our children had health issues that seem to be behind us now but that was pretty consuming as well.
> 
> We are going away for a few days on our anniversary. I just don't want to have unrealistic expectations. A month ago I anticipated romance; today I'm just hoping to get through without too much disappointment.
> 
> Neither one of us has shared this struggle with others (family or friends).


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First off, though it is a difficult anniversary congratulations on getting this far. It is hard I know, I heard those words from my wife of 20+ years a couple of years ago. But we have greatly improved the marriage and are still together today. I would agree with JD that something has taken place to make him feel this way and it will be up to the two of your to find out what it is. As for the time away, make the best of it. Spend time communicating as friends, enjoy each other’s company and don’t surround it with lots of serious talk. Wait for the counseling to start. These things don’t happen over night and they won’t resolve themselves quickly either. Love cycles through different forms in a relationship. Please read this thread and see if you can discover where you are and where he is in the type of love you feel for each other. Good luck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


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## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

Maybe something has happened and if so hopefully it will surface through counseling. He did say he's not happy in his job but retirement is nearing. He's trying to ignite the spark in his job as well to get through the next few years.

I do think we're at that comfortable stage with our love. We have both been very respectful toward eachother. We have been on the same page financially and have always supported each other as parents. 

We have never been very good at our disagreements (but, we truly haven't had a lot either). He usually gives up and I usually cry. sometimes I think he thinks I need to be right which is why he gives up.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

jeanne said:


> We have never been very good at our disagreements (but, we truly haven't had a lot either). He usually gives up and I usually cry. sometimes I think he thinks I need to be right which is why he gives up.


This is a typically symptom of withdrawal or conflict avoidance. When I see these kinds of statements it generally means some parts of the couples communications has broken down so core issues are swept under the rug.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, take the time that you're going to spend together celebrating your 25th doing just that...celebrating, enjoying and sharing, remembering...

And once that is done...then try and sit and talk about things. If the communication has broken down, that can be repaired.

It's possible that with the impending retirement and the feeling that your husband never got to "live life" because of the kids, and jobs and God knows what else...that he's feeling a little discontent.

You both should try and agree to take it slow...work together no matter the outcome...find out what each of you wants...and then maybe find your way back to one another.

Preacher


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I think now that you're kids have left the house the dynamics of your relationship have changed. If you both focused on your children now poof.. the game has changed. I wish more couples would realize that they also need to nuture their marriage as one day they will be standing looking at each other going, okay now what?? It should be, yeah kids are gone time to PARTY!! Great your husband isn't focused on someone else. If it is just a straight marital problem councelling should be a great place to start. Good Luck to you. Let us know how it goes.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wow! I got the same message in October. It could be me posting this message. Married 24 years and very involved in our childrens lives (now 14 and 20). We are on the same page financially and have always worked together as a team. 

December was our 24th anniversary. We planned on a quiet dinner at home. I definitely felt the disconnection but we did it anyway. We ARE still married. Nothing over the top.

Long Term: We did the counseling thing....he eventually admitted that he wanted a divorce during our marriage counseling session.
It was helpful for him, not me as I wanted to save our marriage and work on it. He isn't on the same page. However, I feel he is depressed and it's more than just the marriage. Also, my husband has never cheated and currently isn't cheating. I am always looking for more to the story....I haven't found it.

You are in my prayers.


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## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

I think there may be a depression with my husband but I also believe he is willing to work on the marriage. We spent a fun evening with friends and it's the most relaxed I've seen him since the "purging." My first counseling session is this week. I'm a little nervous about that -- not quite sure what to expect.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I have just been airing my own problems on another thread as my husband told me exactly the same thing just 2 days before our 21st wedding anniversary.I love you and care about you but am not 'in love' with you is swimming around in my head.

i was devastated. The same as you our kids are 24 and 20 and are no longer at home. We had been devoted parents but when they went there just seemed to be this massive chasm.

He doesnt want to try at all so make the most of his efforts at counselling. I would try anything if I thought it would help.


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## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

My husband has gone to two counseling sessions by himself. (I was ready to make the appointment because I'm the "fixer" but said, no, this is for you to initiate.) Tomorrow I go by myself and then next week we'll be together. Our anniversary is next week and we've planned some days away with just the two of us so I do think we're moving in the right direction. Good luck to you, mumof2, I hope your husband reconsiders.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

jeanne,

let us know how the anniversary goes....the fact that he wants to work on things is extrememly positive!!


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## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

Our trip was really nice. We didn't have anything planned -- just went with the flow and it turned out very nice. We visited a coastal community, did a lot of scenic drives and some small town shopping. My husband seemed like he was trying by doing things that interested me (shopping and wine tasting). He even told the waitress it was our anniversary -- almost bragging at the 25 year milestone. This resulted in a shared desert and more laughs. A great memory.

It truly felt like a second honeymoon with lots of laughs and romance. However, there was still that elephant in the room. I know his feelings didn't change over night so they're not going to come back over night but it certainly felt like he's making a huge effort.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great to hear jeanne. It may take a lot of time but this sounds like a great start. Good luck, keep us posted.


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## jeanne (Jul 6, 2009)

Things are going ok for us right now. We're in counseling but I'm wondering how much it's helping. I think my husband has come to recognize he has some unresolved issues -- this week the counselor wants to meet with him alone.

Any way, I'm wondering two things. 1.) Will the counselor ever make suggestions about what he/we should be doing on a daily basis? She doesn't ever really give us "homework" so to speak. It seems she could say, H invite your W on a date or make sure you do X (cuddle, kiss, talk, whaterver). 2.) I'm thinking my H might be more interested talking to a male. Does any one know of a good counselor in the Ann Arbor/Saline, Michigan area?


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