# Unmotivated husband. How do I get him off the couch?



## Bubbles22 (Jul 5, 2015)

Married 30 years. He was fired 2 months ago and is understandably depressed. He has been looking for work but nothing yet. He is sleeping 12 hours a day and always tired. Makes excuses when I suggest he enjoy his hobbies or do projects around the house. I am not demanding and am trying to be sensitive. His constant negative attitude is frustrating and draining on me. How the hell do I motivate him to "wake up?" 
Thanks. Male opinions would be helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was married to a guy who reacted to losing his job in the same way.... 10 years later he was doing the same thing... no job, no life... except that he turned to video games and surfing the internet & porn. That's when I divorced him.

While it's easy to empathize with your husband, you cannot allow this to continue. It's a balance between providing support and then a good kick in the behind to get him moving.

He needs to make job hunting a full time job. And he needs to be able to show you proof that he's doing it.

A good talk with him telling him that you get that he is probably very shaken up from the job loss, he needs to step up the job hunting to full time.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Bubbles22 said:


> Married 30 years. He was fired 2 months ago and is understandably depressed. He has been looking for work but nothing yet. He is sleeping 12 hours a day and always tired. Makes excuses when I suggest he enjoy his hobbies or do projects around the house. I am not demanding and am trying to be sensitive. His constant negative attitude is frustrating and draining on me. How the hell do I motivate him to "wake up?"
> Thanks. Male opinions would be helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was in a funk for a while which certainly put strain on the relationship. Though I still held down a great job through the 2 years I was not very happy. Rather then confront me with the problem this was for her she went and had some affairs. Marriage is over. 

The whole story is more complicated- my funk was mostly about the inability to get what I needed out of the marriage. Just don't make these two mistakes. (doing nothing, and have an affair).

You have given him a couple months to deal with this, but now he needs to be shocked out of this. You have to start letting him know how this is affecting you and your feelings for him. You just have to be prepared to take this as far as you need to be happy. I am not talking about threatening to leave him--not at this point anyway-- but you should require that he take action to get better and deal with his petite depression (with a small "d"). This has to be a boundary you set supportively but firmly.

Here are two suggestions:

1. Individual counseling: Explain to him that this is normal and no different from going the dentist. Working your sh|t out is one of the greatest expressions of strength anyone can show. 

2. Send him to a mens clinic/endocrinologist and have him get a complex set of blood-work done that checks hormonal balance such as thyroid and testosterone. They will run tests that are different than what are done in his annual physical, and for someone with his symptoms, Low T treatment would be covered by insurance (in the US anyway).

Good Luck.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Get him to a doctor first and then encourage him to send out resumes every day. Even call up companies not running want ads. Even job I got was from sending a resume tailored to that company along with a nice cover letter as to why I would love to work for them and how I could help. Your husband still has a job and it is getting a job. He should spend most of his day looking for work. Getting laid off can emasculate a man. Many men define themselves and their worth by their job so losing it can have deep psychological effects. I do not like to take pills but I do and they have helped me tremendously. I was there myself once and spoke to my doctor who put me on antidepressants. in 6 weeks my life changed. I had energy again and no longer had obsessive negative thoughts about no one ever hiring me and that I really did not know how to do anything but what I did at my old job. I felt that no one would hire me despite being one of two worldwide experts in my field a few years prior and co-authoring the reference book used by my industry. Here I was only thinking about what i could not do and taking my skills for granted. I never got a job from a want ad. If I could get an interview, I always got the job. The best skill in the world is to be able to sell yourself.

Once I was on the antidepressants I felt the change and my wife noticed it too. I got my confidence back and once again thought no one was better, true or not.  I got a job based on a resume I had sent to a company 2 months earlier who found a use for my skills. Your hubby needs to get his self confidence back. If he lacks some modern skills, talk him into learning those skills. My dad quit is job early because they computerized and he refused to learn how to use a computer because he felt he would feel stupid. I once had to fire an older women who refused to learn how to use a computer when we computerized despite my offer of hiring someone who specialized in elder computer classes. She just rejected the new technology out of fear.

A Psychologist may not be a bad idea either. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who can figure out your real problem and then show you have to fix it. Good luck but as someone who has been there and done that, there is hope if your hubby is willing to make the effort. I used to sit at home watching TV until 6am. Lots of good old movies late at night. I would order books and man toys over the phone and have them delivered to my house just to have something to do. I wore a robe and rarely got dressed. I showered when my wife told me that I smelled bad. Once my depression was treated, my view of life changed for the better. I am still on AD meds going on 10 years now. I want to get off them but when I do, I revert to the depressed version of me. There is more than just the lost of a job. My wife and I lost a girlfriend we shared for most of our marriage. She was a big part of our family. Then my dog died, and I realized that I was old and my friends were dying all around me. I still have a problem dealing with old age. When I was young, death and medical problems were so far away. Now I can drop dead at any time as two of my friends did. Luckily I have a good job to keep me busy. Have hope and get him to at least talk to his doctor.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I am a 49 year old man. Last year my business failed and I did the same exact thing. Finally after about 3 months I got off my ass and got to work. I started driving LYFt and did a temp job over Xmas. But guess what. Too little too late. My fiancé kicked me out. Now after a very hard job search I landed on my feet in a career job. And just this last weekend we moved back in together. 

I know this would be hard. But me getting kicked out and her breaking it off is the wake up call I needed.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Hate to say it but it does sound like some "tough love" is going to be needed here. "Honey I love you more than anything, but........."


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Take the cable box and modem with you to work. 
Bring them back when you get home. 

Or, if you don't work, lock them up somewhere during normal business hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I just don't get it! This guy has supported you for 30 years and gfets fired so he's supposed to be happy and cheerful...and go enjoy his hobbies and be happy??? NO! He's NOT going to be happy ever again until he finds another job. I know because I've gone through this before and my wife acted just as inappropriately stupidly and immature as you are. His motivation for finding another job will come from one place....YOU! If you don't support him, he won't give a damn either. When a man loses his job, he loses his identity, and really, his life. When you women decide not to support him, you contribute to this downward spiral. He's not going to get better unless you help him...for richer for poorer...sickness and in health...yeah all the bull**** you said on your wedding day...ok, now's the time you prove it! Don't abandon him...HELP HIM!!!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Well I have been through that myself, damaged my career. Just like divorce, death or other things, there is the grieving process to go through. It takes tincture of time to heal-but a kick in the butt by a loving wife doesn't hurt, either!!!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Ease up, dude! I have been on his side AND hers, and the frustration and confusion is understandable. I was a cop and my (soon to be) ex wife was my dispatcher; that is how we met. Anyway, after she got into it with her boss she quit. I supported her through that and she went to work at Walmart for a while-I supported and encouraged her there. Later on my dad passed and that sent me on a downward spiral... She supported me at that point. It goes both ways, brother. My crash damaged my career but I am still charging on-and she has found a f***buddy...


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

He will get himself together. I've been there, probably just needs time to get his mind right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> she has found a f***buddy...


At Walmart?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you read Mitchell's thread? I know that would motivate the he'll out of me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bubbles22 said:


> Married 30 years. He was fired 2 months ago and is understandably depressed. He has been looking for work but nothing yet. He is sleeping 12 hours a day and always tired. Makes excuses when I suggest he enjoy his hobbies or do projects around the house. I am not demanding and am trying to be sensitive. His constant negative attitude is frustrating and draining on me. How the hell do I motivate him to "wake up?"
> Thanks. Male opinions would be helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I lost my job from downsizing....by one. That one was me. 11 years...no reason to fire me other than the new regional manager wanted a new crew in his terminal. I was the last of them after 12 month prior all others I worked with were summarily removed. Let me say that getting canned after a long time with a company is depressing, frustrating and one simply feels abandoned. For me, I could not sit and be depressed because I was the only bread winner. W a SAHM. Two daughters in elementary school. 

I'm guessing your H does not need to get out of bed to support the day to day living expenses? The possibility of losing a home, vehicles and watching one's credit go into the crapper is motivation enough. If your H has no purpose in moving the family forward financially or otherwise he will not get out of bed. What is your H role in the day to day?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I just don't get it! This guy has supported you for 30 years and gfets fired so he's supposed to be happy and cheerful...and go enjoy his hobbies and be happy??? NO! He's NOT going to be happy ever again until he finds another job. I know because I've gone through this before and my wife acted just as inappropriately stupidly and immature as you are. His motivation for finding another job will come from one place....YOU! If you don't support him, he won't give a damn either. When a man loses his job, he loses his identity, and really, his life. When you women decide not to support him, you contribute to this downward spiral. He's not going to get better unless you help him...for richer for poorer...sickness and in health...yeah all the bull**** you said on your wedding day...ok, now's the time you prove it! Don't abandon him...HELP HIM!!!


Nowhere did she even hint at leaving his depressed self. She wants to know how to help him. You calling her immature and stupid shows just what an agenda you're carrying. 

I'm beginning to think that it's a good thing that your wife is no longer around. You must be a real peach to live with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How is your sex life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bubbles22 said:


> Married 30 years. He was fired 2 months ago and is understandably depressed. He has been looking for work but nothing yet. He is sleeping 12 hours a day and always tired. Makes excuses when I suggest he enjoy his hobbies or do projects around the house. I am not demanding and am trying to be sensitive. His constant negative attitude is frustrating and draining on me. How the hell do I motivate him to "wake up?"
> Thanks. Male opinions would be helpful._Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband didn't behave this way but it still impacted him on a deeper level. He wouldn't take time for hobbies during the day as he'd feel guilt using his time that way instead of job-hunting. Having a social outlet and being able to focus on other things of an evening and weekend was beneficial. As my husband is someone who is somewhat defined by providing (and doing good work), it was the balanced reminder that work is a part of his identity but not the whole. 

Of course there's the reality that bills need to be paid. Job hunting, the constant networking and such, can be tiring. Having set hours for applications was helpful too. It eliminates evenings and further tiredness. When the ball started rolling with interviews, I suggested that he refrain from applying to more and instead focus on those opportunities. It can become overwhelming otherwise. And to represent well, part of that is being well rested and keeping a cool head. He agreed with this. 

Depending on your schedule, if you wake up a certain time each morning, perhaps encourage him to wake up with you. Have breakfast together. If he typically works standard day-time hours, this also keeps his mindset in that routine. Sometimes my husband would get up with me as I was leaving and I'd suggest he head out for coffee. He'd then apply from local coffee spots. For him, having a change of scenery, being among others, up and about, helped his mindset. It can take time. Best wishes to you and your husband.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Prayers for a positive outcome, and a good job to come his way, soon!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles22 said:


> Married 30 years. He was fired 2 months ago and is understandably depressed. He has been looking for work but nothing yet. He is sleeping 12 hours a day and always tired. Makes excuses when I suggest he enjoy his hobbies or do projects around the house. I am not demanding and am trying to be sensitive. His constant negative attitude is frustrating and draining on me. How the hell do I motivate him to "wake up?"
> Thanks. Male opinions would be helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't. He is possibly in shock/depressed.

He could need counselling.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

No, at her current job. An avionics company. He was her supervisor...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Nowhere did she even hint at leaving his depressed self. She wants to know how to help him. You calling her immature and stupid shows just what an agenda you're carrying.
> 
> I'm beginning to think that it's a good thing that your wife is no longer around. You must be a real peach to live with.


I don't recall saying that she intended to either. All I was trying to do is to tell how much this hurts...all the while wives, the ones we are supposed to be able to go to for love and support, don't support us in these situations and wonder why we aren't "happy". So much for trying to make a truthful and honest post on here. You'll never know how lost and hurt you are in these situations until you've been in them and the bills just keep piling without any money to pay them. Enjoying your hobbies it this situation isn't going to cut it. Men only look to their wives for support in these situations not a "Why the hell aren't you happy anymore" comment. They're trying to figure out who gets paid and who doesn't, how much can be spent on food and keep the mortgage going...not their hobbies. There's just depression, anger and hurt until the next job happens.

Perhaps you would be more interested in a fake response...ok. The husband of the OP should be overjoyed he's unemployed. Now he can play video games all day.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You did compare her to your ex-wife who you, obviously, hate and detest. You could have explained what her husband is going through without condemning her. But, no, you have to take your cheap shot even though you really wish you were condemning your ex.

It seems every time you post on a woman's thread you have to try to vilify her. If you can't offer helpful advice in a non-personal manner, then it may be best if you stay off the women's threads.

I would put you on 'ignore' but I've never done that and you're not going to be the first.


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