# Closer to calling it quits



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Recap: 2 months ago I had and EA, was caught, forgiven, self-imposed boundaries, no contact.

I've been going to IC, and it's starting to look more and more that I like my wife, and no longer love her. She is not the reason for the EA. We don't have a bad marriage. I'm trying to regain the passion I had for her, but I haven't been able to. My actions feel more like a response that meets her needs, but gives me nothing. They feel false. We even talk about this, and we both cry.

I'm starting to feel farther apart from her each day. I hate knowing that I hurt her deeply. It eats at me each day. It eats at her too. 

I'm close to having to break her heart, and mine along with it. 30+ years of marriage. Not something I want to do, but it's feeling more and more likely each passing day. I can't be married just because it's what is supposed to be done. It has to be real, based on real love. Not an obligation to society.

I still have to keep trying though. If my marriage ends, it won't be because I didn't try to save it. I can't keep going forever without making a decision. It's not fair to either of us.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Right there with ya, been trying for 2 years since my wife had an EA. 17years for us and It's not like I thought of her as the love of my life before but the little I had was lost. I would probably leave today if it wasnt for the kids and how bad I feel for how I will hurt her. Sucks, huh.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It does suck. And I know it's not a joy for her either. As we talked, I told her that she would never be able to trust me 100% again. That hit home for both of us. The foundation of a relationship is gone because of what I did.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Other than the IC, what are you and your wife doing to recreate the bond and/or intimacy? Have you a plan? What you're feeling is normal for a cs because your drug, the ea and ow, have been taken from you. You are going through withdrawals. It takes time to get thru that. And it takes time to rebuild your marriage. 

Have you read the book "Surviving An Affair". In it, it discusses the feelings you're dealing with. In it lays out a PROVEN plan for recovery. You can't just plod along. Also, IC is only about you. Its not about your marriage. I would suggest MC also. But at the least, you need a plan.
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Maybe you are having a hard time forgiving yourself.
You have to do this first.

That was difficult for me, too. 
But before you will be able to accept your wife's forgiveness for what you have done, you have to just admit that you screwed up, vow to never let it happen again, and realize that you are human. I am guessing that right now, you probably have changed feelings for your wife because you feel unworthy of her love and respect.
Also, the entire dynamic of your marriage has changed. You can never "go back to the way it was".
The trust can be regained.
Ease up on yourself a little.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The plan now is for only me to go to IC. She does not see the need for her to go to IC, or even MC now. She thinks she can handle it with the way it's going. I haven't read the book because if I even buy it she will break down. I don't think she has come to grips with what really happened. I told her that she hasn't even reached the anger stage yet. She thought that D-day was the anger stage.

I am harsh on myself. No doubt. I can accept her forgiveness, but I can't forgive myself. The sight of me in the mirror, or the sight of my wife, is a constant reminder. 

I know that I'm also having withdrawals. But the majority of the issue is my desire to change how I have been living my life. I've been only existing for years, and not living. I want positive change for the remainder of my years. I'm not young anymore. But I'm not dead yet. 

I can accept whatever happens now. I am no longer afraid for myself. But I am afraid for my wife.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You had the EA. It has only been 2 months out. I don't think it is fair to decide you can't get it back so soon after an illicit high. You owe her more then that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Your wife is having some.difficulty and that is to be expected. Right now, if you can only do IC, then do that. A change in your marriage has to start with you. As far as the book, she doesn't have to know you got it. Its time to start educating yourself about what happened, what's now going on, and what it will take to move forward. You can implement many of the.concepts in the book without directly referencing the book to your wife. BUT you need to do it for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I will give it more time. That I know. I will see what I can do about getting the book. I don't want to hide anything from her.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo

I think my H feels the same as you. 6 months since Dday of his EA and it looks like seperation is on the card. Im devastated and the thought of living my life without him kills me. Hes given up fighing. He wants us to be friends,and still do things together as a familt, and he will still coe over to fix the house etc for me!! WTF, i dont want a friend i want my H back! It is so difficult to disconect emotionaly after 18 years. We still sleep in the same bed! 

I know this isnt easy for him, but i really struggle with the thought that hes just given up and isnt prepared to even try any more. We have 3 kids for gods sake. What am i gonna tell them?

Please dont give up trying until you are completely sure that there is no hope for your marriage. x


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@daisygirl:

I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of what is going through my mind as well. I've been doing lots of thinking about myself, my marriage, and what I want my life to be. We also have 3 adult kids. They would be hurt, but would be okay in the long run, I think. They will definitely dislike me for causing the divorce. Right now, only my wife and the OW know of the EA. My wife wants it to stay that way. But if I ask for a divorce, I'm betting that situation will come to an end. 

I've even thought of being the "friend", as you put it, if we were to divorce. But I would be moving out of state shortly after filing as well. I will try some more. I just don't know how much longer I can wait.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo are you sure you're not my H?

This is a heartbreaking situation for everyone isn't it. Do you think you are still in the so called fog of your EA? Or do you really think there is no hope? I am just struggling to understand why my H seems to have given up the fight and why I am doing all the fighting! I know I need to take a step back but it's difficult. The only reason I can think of why he is behaving this way is if she is waiting in the wings. But there is NO evidence of any contact outside of work at all.

Sorry don't mean to hijack your thread. But I feel that we are in similar situations.
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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

What were your reasons for your EA?
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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@daisygirl:

You are not hijacking by any means. The issue is basically the same. But I haven't given up so far. I still am in a fog about the OW. I don't have her waiting in the wings. If I did, that would make it even worse! I have had no contact at all since D-day (2 months). She dropped me like a rock on the day. 

Sounds like your H is struggling with the void that losing the EA has caused. You need to fill that void for him somehow. For example, I sent and received texts and emails throughout the day and night. When the EA ended, those stopped. My wife now emails and texts me several times a day. She is helping fill that void at this time. It's like having somewhat of an EA with her. It helps some, but falls short in other ways. I don't know what the long term effect will be of her filling the void the best she can.

My wife is out of town this week, and my mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts about her, what she might do with others while she's out of town, what she may think and come to a decision on. 

I also think about what I will be thinking about, be doing, and decide upon while she is not around. It will give me a taste of being alone (kinda). 

Just keep talking with your H, and try to get back to a normal routine involving things that he enjoys still. Those acts help me a little. Not too much though since I started a mid-life change months before I started my EA.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

With my wife being out of town, she has gone very quiet on me. Just a text now and then, with very little content. No emails, no calls. She's at a conference that has events and parties into the late night hours. She is very social, and very attractive. I can imagine the guys wanting to be around her, and with her. The guys there are all successful professionals. She can now compare them to her husband. Her decision on her future will be easier to make now.

This is the life I earned from being a cheater. No pity wanted. Just a warning to others who think that cheating is a good way to start changing your life for the better.


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## h0pe (Oct 29, 2011)

Dont beat yourself up hun. If she cant forgive you then you can still forgive yourself and move on. Life is too short isnt it?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I learned more about why I'm having a hard time being in love with my wife, even though she has forgiven me. I can not, and never will, forgive myself for my affair. Therefore, the value of my passionate love is now zero. I have nothing of value to offer her in a relationship. How could I possibly express passionate love for my wife when I know it has no value anymore? 

So all she has now is a roommate who brings in income, does the chores, provides care for her and our adult kids, and spends the rest of his time waiting to be asked for a divorce.


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## TakingMeBack (Nov 2, 2011)

HerToo,
My husband is in the same position after me finding out that he's been unfaithful to me, repeatedly since before we married. I'm getting the TT so we'll see to what extent the damage has been done but to quote you....
"So all she has now is a roommate who brings in income, does the chores, provides care for her and our adult kids, and spends the rest of his time waiting to be asked for a divorce. "
The only difference is our boys are 12 & 15.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are in a similar spot as my wife. She wants to save the marriage. I don't think it's possible because I can never be who I was before the affair. I'm in counseling, but it becomes clearer after each session that my ability to be who I was is gone forever. I no longer respect myself in any way.

When she does ask for the divorce, we won't use lawyers. She can have anything she wants. I'll move out of state so that the chances of her every seeing me again is slim.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why don't you just wander off into the desert instead?


seriously dude, stop the stupid pity party and get a grip


you made a bad choice, a very bad choice and you are a cheater

but you're not a monster


you can make this right if you put this energy that have into worrying about being addicted to your affair partner and start bonding with your wife who desperately needs you. 

You don't realize how damn lucky you are, do you? 
You don't realize how good you have it, do you?

stop worrying so much about your own disposition and start worrying more about your wife, start wooing her again, the better you make her feel the better I bet you will feel.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> why don't you just wander off into the desert instead?
> 
> 
> seriously dude, stop the stupid pity party and get a grip
> ...


^^^^ Excellent post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm not seeking pity. I'm looking deep inside myself and I don't like what I see. Wondering off into a desert like that other poster you referenced is not something I would do. I have long-term financial obligations to live up to. A family to provide for. I'm trying to find a way, any way, to make things better. 

I admit that I'm impatient on expecting positive change to occur. I'm used to making things happen, getting solutions put in place, fixing things. I can't seem to fix me. How can I feel proud about being transparent, maintaining NC, and everything else while knowing that I have to do these things mainly because I'm a F'ing cheater? It's not possible. 

Every time I see my wife's face, I see her looking at her cheating husband in my mind. Yes, I'm damn lucky she still loves and wants me. I've been trying to "woo" her again. It feels fake to me, although she enjoys it. It's like I'm leading her on, telling her another lie.

I spend lots of time with her. We go to the gym, out for dinner, do some chores together when it's possible. I'm trying despite my feelings. 

So excuse me while I struggle with dealing who I have become, while I try to help my wife recover. I have no experience or knowledge on what is needed for the best outcome, given that I've never been a cheater before.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Concentrate more on your wife and less on your inner child or whatever. 

All you can do is do the best you can as of right now, November 9th 2011. The past is gone and you cannot go back and undo anything. Sad but true. 

Live in the is and not the was.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I hope more counseling sessions provide some of the additional help I need. I've taken a look at a few books and they are generally the same. I'm looking for specific solutions to my situation as a whole. Not just that I had an EA. One size fits all doesn't work for me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Sorry if I blew up at you but you need to realize you are wallowing too much. It's not as complicated as you're making it to be. Yes it is very serious, but the steps are simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No apology necessary. I'm too anal and analytical about things. And I am wallowing too much. I do that when I can't solve a problem that I feel that I should be able to solve.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I wonder how much further damage you are doing by both dwelling on the lack of connection and sharing all of your doubts with her. It is insult upon injury.

Work your doubts out as much as possible on your own. If I were her and you stayed, those doubts of yours would only make we wonder if staying with YOU was the right thing to do. You get to cheat, you get to doubt and unload on her, and she waits for your decision.

I bet she is lapping up the attention. But more than that I bet she is loving being away from the tension that living with an on the fence cheater brings with it. 

My h and I had a very bad time recently. I went on a biz trip right after. I didn't communicate much and when I did it 
Was because I forced myself. I weighed divorce the entire trip. But I only Hung out with anyone the last night. Innocently. I had far too much on my mind to cheat. Maybe she is like me. Enjoying the distance but not even tempted. And the man I met the last night was really lovely to talk with, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I share the information with her because she specifically asks me for it. I am the one mainly dwelling on it. I am trying to work out my doubts on my own. But when she asks, I must tell her. When I was reluctant at first to tell her, she thought that I had went back to the affair. So I ended up telling her everything she asked to know about. She really wants to know what I'm struggling with in my mind so that she can help.


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## i.bellagardner (Nov 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Recap: 2 months ago I had and EA, was caught, forgiven, self-imposed boundaries, no contact.
> 
> I've been going to IC, and it's starting to look more and more that I like my wife, and no longer love her. She is not the reason for the EA. We don't have a bad marriage. I'm trying to regain the passion I had for her, but I haven't been able to. My actions feel more like a response that meets her needs, but gives me nothing. They feel false. We even talk about this, and we both cry.
> 
> ...


You are right with your thought. But you should tell this to her. Of course, it is really impossible not to break her heart because your intention will going to break her heart for sure.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I haven't given up. Still lots of trying to do.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

This is tough. She is asking me almost every day if I am going to leave her. She's pushing so hard to make sure that I don't, it's starting to push me away fast. I'm about ready to leave now. I don't hate her, but I'm struggling to love her like I used to.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You realize your actions have caused her to be insecure?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I am very aware of that I am the cause of her fears. There's insecurity on both sides.


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