# Is the 180 helpful during separation?



## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

I've recently separated after finding out about an affair from last year that went on for awhile. I've seen the 180 guidelines and they seem to be helpful both for moving on or reconciliation. Since I am already separated, is the 180 recommended? Should I go total no contact? 

Thank you for any insight.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What is your goal? Do you want to recover your marriage or file for divorce. Have you:
1. Gotten tested for STD's
2. Exposed this to the OM's spouse or significant other?
3. Exposed this affair to your wife's friends and family?
4. What have been the consequences for engaging in this sexual affair, betraying her marriage and humiliating and disrespecting you?
5. If the roles were reversed, how would she be acting?
6. See a lawyer to understand your options.
7. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

180 is primarily to get you back on your feet, it definitely works in your circumstances.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

bryanp said:


> What is your goal? Do you want to recover your marriage or file for divorce. Have you:
> 1. Gotten tested for STD's
> 2. Exposed this to the OM's spouse or significant other?
> 3. Exposed this affair to your wife's friends and family?
> ...


At this point, my goal is too heal from this and grow as a person. I've legally separated, which means I am prepared to divorce. However, I haven't ruled out possible reconciliation, which I why I didn't file. I'm still thinking about how to handle the amount of contact during separation.

She left asap after I found out by my request. I know that she does not respect me as she should, but she did leave.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> 180 is primarily to get you back on your feet, it definitely works in your circumstances.


Thanks.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

it for rebuilding you. ??? how long was a while??


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> it for rebuilding you. ??? how long was a while??


Exactly, for both rebuilding myself, but also not limiting my options. It lasted about 6 months.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

CarlJ said:


> I've recently separated after finding out about an affair from last year that went on for awhile. I've seen the 180 guidelines and they seem to be helpful both for moving on or reconciliation. Since I am already separated, is the 180 recommended? Should I go total no contact?
> 
> Thank you for any insight.



I am a betrayed spouse. 

The 180 should only be done for you to heal, not to get the cheater spouse back.

I separated after a False R and I have filed for divorce and I can say that both have made me feel healthier and more confident. 

I just want to be by myself now and to grow as a person without being attached to someone else.

With that said, my cheater spouse has been treating me better since I file. Kinda weird, IMO. 

I think it does show the cheater spouse that you won't allow them to step on you and that you can be strong.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the 180 is for you. Read Married Man Sex Life, it will show you what likely went wrong in your marriage and what you need to do to save this relationship or have the next relationship be a success.

You also need to read No More Mr Nice Guy.

Be warned the 180 is just as likely to end you relationship with your wife as not. Not communicating w/wife was most likely your biggest problem.

Is the affair over? Does she want to reconcile? Kids?

Good luck

BTW MMSL is not a sex manual


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> the 180 is for you. Read Married Man Sex Life, it will show you what likely went wrong in your marriage and what you need to do to save this relationship or have the next relationship be a success.
> 
> You also need to read No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


The affair is over, though I do't know if the emotional aspect is for sure. I understand that the 180 is designed to move yourself forward, which is what I want. Reconciliation is an option, but I'm not ready to pursue it right now. I haven't gotten into the details of it with her, but she has had problems with EA in the past which is scary. This all happened last summer, but I recently found out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The implementation of the 180 can be a Godsend to us BS. It can help give us back our confidence, self-respect and dignity line nothing can. It is so powerful that one of the most common side effects (with a cake eating WS) is attraction towards the BS.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

morituri said:


> The implementation of the 180 can be a Godsend to us BS. It can help give us back our confidence, self-respect and dignity line nothing can. It is so powerful that one of the most common side effects (with a cake eating WS) is attraction towards the BS.


Is there any difference in how it should be executed for those already separated? It seems no contact is essential no matter what, too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarlJ said:


> Is there any difference in how it should be executed for those already separated? It seems no contact is essential no matter what, too.


The 180 will not help you get your spouse back. You cannot repair things if you have no contact. 

It's for you to help you get back on your feet emotionally and to help you fall out of love with your spouse.

If you have children, there will be contact but keep it minimal and only about the children.

If you want to try for R then at some point, when you feel stronger, you can start to have contact but go slowly to protect yourself emotionally.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read MMSL and look up the MAP


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The 180 will not help you get your spouse back. You cannot repair things if you have no contact.
> 
> It's for you to help you get back on your feet emotionally and to help you fall out of love with your spouse.
> 
> ...


The difficult part is that I'm not sure if I even want my spouse back. I think I need no contact for awhile just to get moving on. At the same time, I don't want to destroy any chance of R.
Since she cheated, does that put the burden on her to reach out and ask for R?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

If she hasn't reached out and asked for R yet, I think 180 is the way to go. As the betrayed spouse it will most likely do you harm if you bring it up before her. She has to face consequences in order to respect any decision of yours to consider R. Good luck, 180 is hard but soon becomes a way of life that you'll enjoy as you st art to feel the benefits (health, sleep, self-dignity, appearance, etc).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to ask her what she wants. Cheating spouse often assume incorrectly that there is no way their spouse would take them back and they won't bring it up to keep from being shot down.

The 180 and going dark is two different things. Many people read into the 180 what is not there. For example, you should not show anger or be a jerk. If you are not in contact with her expect her to move on also.

You did not answer the question whether or not you have kids.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

You may have mentioned it, but did the two of you pursue any kind of marriage counseling prior to your separation?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For R to have a chance of success, rug sweeping must not be allowed to be used by the WS to take dictatorial control of the marriage. The terms of R must be offered by the BS and fully agreed upon by the WS. This can only be done if the BS has mustered enough emotional strength to go file for divorce if the WS waffles or renegeds on the terms of R. The emotional strength is a product of a succesful implementation of the 180 degrees.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

I appreciate the input, I think a clear discussion needs to be had in order to see how to proceed.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> You may have mentioned it, but did the two of you pursue any kind of marriage counseling prior to your separation?


No, but obviously that is something that would be part of the R process.


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