# My Separation - Setting My Rules For Interaction



## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Been absent from the boards for a while as life unfolded around me and my STBXW. It was quite a roller coaster ride that ran the gamut of emotions and possibilities, and now ultimately a conclusion.

We are separating, effective September 1st (knock on wood - more on that in a second). I will be moving out. Our four kids will stay in the house with my STBXW. The access arrangements are fairly generous and flexible and my STBXW are still rather amicable. Our lawyers are hammering out the final details of the separation agreement.

While things are amicable, there are some rocky moments. Although it is not on the frontburner for us now, the whole Jeff situation never really got fully resolved. She broke off what they were doing, but still remain friends and work together. She still has feelings for him (calling him her "soulmate" to a friend), but realizes that he isn't leaving his girlfriend anytime soon. So she is looking elsewhere (profile is already up on "dating website here".com and has already received a chatting partner - she doesn't know I know this).

My moving out is another sore point, specifically the location. Initially my plan was to rent a two bedroom townhome that was closeby, a five minute drive. I really wasn't happy about this as it is small, only two bedrooms (four kids in one bedroom, yuck), is in the same complex where my mother-in-law lives (not that we don't get along, but still), and is also the same complex where STBXW lived when we were dating - bad memories. But it was all I would be able to afford in the area where I wanted to live.

However in chatting with our neighbour across the street, another option came up. They own a few rental properties, including the house behind theirs. A three bedroom with a yard. Not a huge amout of living space, but as I said, three bedrooms. Any fully renovated (that is the knock on wood part of Sept 1st, that it will be completed by that day - if not Sept 1, then shortly thereafter). And because our neighbours like and trust me, they are cutting me a huge deal on the rent (25% less than they would have rented it for). Budget will be tight, but well worth it. Here is a diagram:


```
-----   |     |   -----     |      -----  |      |
| S |   |  S  |   |N B|     |      |   |  |  S   |
| T |   |  T  |   |E O|     |      |   |  |  T   |
| B |   |  R  |   |I U|     |      | M |  |  R   |
| X |   |  E  |   |G R|     |      | E |  |  E   |
| W |   |  E  |   |H  |     |      | ! |  |  E   |
|   |   |  T  |   |   |     |      |   |  |  T   |
-----   |     |   -----     |      -----  |      |
        |  A  |             |             |  B   |
________|     |___________________________|      |
						 |
	     CONNECTING AVENUE			 |
						 |
__________________________________________       |
					  |	 |
```
STBXW is aghast - this isn't a true separation, the kids will be confused, they will always wan't to come back to her house, etc. And that I told a neighbour so now the gossip starts. I must tell the story different than she does - everyone she tells about what is happening says that I am doing the wrong thing. Everyone I tell about it says I am doing the right thing. I think it makes sense. If anyone here thinks it is a bad idea, please honestly tell me and why.

Anyways, I leave on Saturday with the three oldest kids for a week vacation - it is an annual tradition in my family that we go to this spot and have made many friends there over the years that we are looking forward to see. STBXW will not be coming this year and will stay behind with our youngest. Makes the most sense I suppose. The other kids are looking forward to it, and the youngest is still too young to get anything out of it. Once I get back, start packing up and moving out.

A note on why we are doing separation instead of straight divorce. Initially, it was going to be divorce. But then she waffled a bit on it, I called her out on Jeff and there was a brief period of reconciliation. But it didn't last on her part, so divorce was back on the table. Unfortunately by this time, it would have been too late to get the house on the market and find suitable accomodations elsewhere in the school district before school started - there are not a lot of places to live here. So for the benefit of the kids, I opted for separation so they could stay in the house. I have no (very few) illusions that this will not turn into divorce in the spring.

I've been doing my best on the 180 since we decided to go the separation route. While I haven't gone out a lot with friends, I occupy myself at home after the kids have gone to bed and pretty much ignore STBXW. This doesn't seem to be bothering her so, so be it. Once I move out, I will be getting myself involved in a lot more activities and move my life along.

This thread is where I will be coming for advice on how to deal with my STBXW and the 180. I want to make sure the kids are taken care of, but I do not want to be on her beck and call everytime she needs help with them. 

Take for instance yesterday - she is short staffed at work and has fallen behind on some things that need to get done immediately. She asked me yesterday morning as we are all getting ready if I can leave work early and pick up all the kids from various camps/daycare facilities so that she could work late. I eventually agreed to do it, but once I move out, the answer will be "No". She wants to do this, she can deal with the consequences. 

But I have to balance this because there might be times where I will need help during my time for unforseen reasons. My STBXW is the only person I can call - she has her mom, her aunt, various cousins, her best friend, etc. she can lean on. I don't.

She also proposed that we go out once a month. I've told her I don't think that it is a good idea and left it at that.

So, in conclusion. I am looking forward to moving on. I have bad days, and bad moments during "good" days, but that it to be expected. I will be coming to provide updates on the types of communications between her and I and ask for advice on the best way to handle it. Answer questions as I've glossed over a lot of things here, provide insight, anything really.

See you all around, and no, I didn't spell check this. Part of the "new me".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>STBXW is aghast - this isn't a true separation, the kids will be confused, they will always wan't to come back to her house, etc. And that I told a neighbour so now the gossip starts. I must tell the story different than she does - everyone she tells about what is happening says that I am doing the wrong thing. Everyone I tell about it says I am doing the right thing. I think it makes sense. If anyone here thinks it is a bad idea, please honestly tell me and why.<<

Sometimes, I read things and I just want to throw up.

"The kids will be confused"

And, she couldn't figure out that refusing to launch "Jeff" wouldn't lead to the kids being confused?

So, not all "confusion" for the kids is equal, is it?

Call her bluff.

Rent the house.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Call her bluff.
> 
> Rent the house.


I commited to renting the house a while ago, despite her protests. I'm signing the lease tomorrow and will also get a better idea of the status of the renovation.

The backyard is screaming to have an ice rink built in it. Something I've always wanted to do and I am excited to give it a try.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I commited to renting the house a while ago, despite her protests. I'm signing the lease tomorrow and will also get a better idea of the status of the renovation.
> 
> The backyard is screaming to have an ice rink built in it. Something I've always wanted to do and I am excited to give it a try.


Sounds right down the path of the 180.

Good for you.

The hell with the b!tch.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I must have missed it somewhere. What was the result of the DNA test back in May?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

aug said:


> I must have missed it somewhere. What was the result of the DNA test back in May?


That came back negative. While she doesn't know about getting the test done, I asked her if they ever had sex. She insisted no, that it only went as far as the one kiss (plus inappropriate texts). She said her morals would never have allowed her to sleep with him (I left the question unasked of "When were your morals planning on kicking in based on what she had done"). I can't prove it either way and at this point I'm not really interested in finding out.

As I said, this is almost certainly going to end in divorce. If there ever is a chance of reconciliation though, all the Jeff cards need to be put on the table and the boundaries set a lot different than where she thought they were. But that is so far down the path of likelihood it isn't worth the electrons. 

I do get better these days about erasing the mind-movies I have of them together and the jealousy I felt know that he was getting the best of STBXW instead of me. Still bugs me from time to time. I'm going to have those feelings all over again probably now that she is actively looking to date. I can't even think about investing the energy into another relationship at this point, but as STBXW told me, she's been disconnected from me for years so she's further along the path.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My W was in a neighborhood baby sitting co-op. When you joined you got 5 coupons. Each coupon was good for two hours of babysitting. You could do that with your wife. You each start out with 5 coupons. It keeps things balanced.


UOTE=EADGBe;988992]Been absent from the boards for a while as life unfolded around me and my STBXW. It was quite a roller coaster ride that ran the gamut of emotions and possibilities, and now ultimately a conclusion.

We are separating, effective September 1st (knock on wood - more on that in a second). I will be moving out. Our four kids will stay in the house with my STBXW. The access arrangements are fairly generous and flexible and my STBXW are still rather amicable. Our lawyers are hammering out the final details of the separation agreement.

While things are amicable, there are some rocky moments. Although it is not on the frontburner for us now, the whole Jeff situation never really got fully resolved. She broke off what they were doing, but still remain friends and work together. She still has feelings for him (calling him her "soulmate" to a friend), but realizes that he isn't leaving his girlfriend anytime soon. So she is looking elsewhere (profile is already up on "dating website here".com and has already received a chatting partner - she doesn't know I know this).

My moving out is another sore point, specifically the location. Initially my plan was to rent a two bedroom townhome that was closeby, a five minute drive. I really wasn't happy about this as it is small, only two bedrooms (four kids in one bedroom, yuck), is in the same complex where my mother-in-law lives (not that we don't get along, but still), and is also the same complex where STBXW lived when we were dating - bad memories. But it was all I would be able to afford in the area where I wanted to live.

However in chatting with our neighbour across the street, another option came up. They own a few rental properties, including the house behind theirs. A three bedroom with a yard. Not a huge amout of living space, but as I said, three bedrooms. Any fully renovated (that is the knock on wood part of Sept 1st, that it will be completed by that day - if not Sept 1, then shortly thereafter). And because our neighbours like and trust me, they are cutting me a huge deal on the rent (25% less than they would have rented it for). Budget will be tight, but well worth it. Here is a diagram:


```
-----   |     |   -----     |      -----  |      |
| S |   |  S  |   |N B|     |      |   |  |  S   |
| T |   |  T  |   |E O|     |      |   |  |  T   |
| B |   |  R  |   |I U|     |      | M |  |  R   |
| X |   |  E  |   |G R|     |      | E |  |  E   |
| W |   |  E  |   |H  |     |      | ! |  |  E   |
|   |   |  T  |   |   |     |      |   |  |  T   |
-----   |     |   -----     |      -----  |      |
        |  A  |             |             |  B   |
________|     |___________________________|      |
						 |
	     CONNECTING AVENUE			 |
						 |
__________________________________________       |
					  |	 |
```
STBXW is aghast - this isn't a true separation, the kids will be confused, they will always wan't to come back to her house, etc. And that I told a neighbour so now the gossip starts. I must tell the story different than she does - everyone she tells about what is happening says that I am doing the wrong thing. Everyone I tell about it says I am doing the right thing. I think it makes sense. If anyone here thinks it is a bad idea, please honestly tell me and why.

Anyways, I leave on Saturday with the three oldest kids for a week vacation - it is an annual tradition in my family that we go to this spot and have made many friends there over the years that we are looking forward to see. STBXW will not be coming this year and will stay behind with our youngest. Makes the most sense I suppose. The other kids are looking forward to it, and the youngest is still too young to get anything out of it. Once I get back, start packing up and moving out.

A note on why we are doing separation instead of straight divorce. Initially, it was going to be divorce. But then she waffled a bit on it, I called her out on Jeff and there was a brief period of reconciliation. But it didn't last on her part, so divorce was back on the table. Unfortunately by this time, it would have been too late to get the house on the market and find suitable accomodations elsewhere in the school district before school started - there are not a lot of places to live here. So for the benefit of the kids, I opted for separation so they could stay in the house. I have no (very few) illusions that this will not turn into divorce in the spring.

I've been doing my best on the 180 since we decided to go the separation route. While I haven't gone out a lot with friends, I occupy myself at home after the kids have gone to bed and pretty much ignore STBXW. This doesn't seem to be bothering her so, so be it. Once I move out, I will be getting myself involved in a lot more activities and move my life along.

This thread is where I will be coming for advice on how to deal with my STBXW and the 180. I want to make sure the kids are taken care of, but I do not want to be on her beck and call everytime she needs help with them. 

Take for instance yesterday - she is short staffed at work and has fallen behind on some things that need to get done immediately. She asked me yesterday morning as we are all getting ready if I can leave work early and pick up all the kids from various camps/daycare facilities so that she could work late. I eventually agreed to do it, but once I move out, the answer will be "No". She wants to do this, she can deal with the consequences. 

But I have to balance this because there might be times where I will need help during my time for unforseen reasons. My STBXW is the only person I can call - she has her mom, her aunt, various cousins, her best friend, etc. she can lean on. I don't.

She also proposed that we go out once a month. I've told her I don't think that it is a good idea and left it at that.

So, in conclusion. I am looking forward to moving on. I have bad days, and bad moments during "good" days, but that it to be expected. I will be coming to provide updates on the types of communications between her and I and ask for advice on the best way to handle it. Answer questions as I've glossed over a lot of things here, provide insight, anything really.

See you all around, and no, I didn't spell check this. Part of the "new me".[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

You are doing it right, you know you are doing it right and she knows you are doing it right, therefore she's pissed. To bad!!


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> You are doing it right, you know you are doing it right and she knows you are doing it right, therefore she's pissed. To bad!!


She's not pissed that much right now. She just wants me gone. I'm looking forward to being gone to, just so I can see if I can move on. The changes I'm making have and will require a lot of work and effort, and will fail from time to time. What I have to, and have everyone here remind me of, is that the strength required is worth it.

I keep false hope out of my mind as much as possible, but it still creeps in from time to time. I need to move out to help with that.

We obviously told the friends we have at the vacation spot that STBXW would not be there and I would bring the three oldest. The outpouring of support has been great from them - "don't worry, we'll help take care of the kids", "if you need anything, we're there for you", "i'll bring extra beer and wine"... This will be the greatest vacation ever... :smthumbup:


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Today is a bad day for me so far. STBXW is dressed to the nines and is excited for a work party tonight. She's got her potential new guy ready to go and is telling her friend that she is "in a good place".

I realize again that I am starting from scratch. I never wanted to lose her and like many people here, see so much potential in the relationship and our future that it is a shame to throw it away. It really hurts that someone else is going to come in and get the benefit of everything we had worked for to get to this point.

Got to try and stay positive... Signing the lease at 9:30 this morning.


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## LittleTuttle (Aug 16, 2012)

Hello I am new here, so excuse that fact. But I have read your story and you sound like a lovely person who has done everything right. You are absolutely right about the positivity, she may be dressed to the nines but to cheat in the first place she must be pretty ugly inside, and no amount of make-up hair and clothes will change that. When people move on it's normally the one who takes their time and doesn't try to prove anything that prospers. 
You are not starting from scratch, you have your wonderful children and your wonderful self and noone can take that away from you.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> I realize again that I am starting from scratch. I never wanted to lose her and like many people here, see so much potential in the relationship and our future that it is a shame to throw it away. It really hurts that someone else is going to come in and get the benefit of everything we had worked for to get to this point.


This is the part I have a hard time with as well. I guess maybe we have to try to start looking at it the other way around, that after all is said and done, someone else will eventually come in for us as well and get the benefit of everything we have learned up to this point. I'm like you, can't even begin to put my energy into someone new but imagine it won't be long until STBXH has someone surface. I know that's going to be the hardest part, and it's been pretty damn hard up to now. 

We persevere, all we can do.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

LittleTuttle said:


> Hello I am new here, so excuse that fact. But I have read your story and you sound like a lovely person who has done everything right. You are absolutely right about the positivity, she may be dressed to the nines but to cheat in the first place she must be pretty ugly inside, and no amount of make-up hair and clothes will change that. When people move on it's normally the one who takes their time and doesn't try to prove anything that prospers.
> You are not starting from scratch, you have your wonderful children and your wonderful self and noone can take that away from you.


She didn't see it as cheating what she did (that I can prove). Just someone gave her attention when she felt I wasn't into our relationship. Easy for me to say that I was always into our relationship on here, but it obviously didn't come off that way to her.

I look back at a million different moments in our marriage where I could have done something different and better, then maybe we wouldn't be here. Life is tough and complicated - you try and do what you think is best based on who you are. We didn't communicate enough, so this is the end result. 

I try and keep positive now because I understand that lesson better now. Doesn't help with the regret about the past. Change is tough. I really need to move out so I don't have to see my STBXW anymore and keep thinking about the history between us.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> This is the part I have a hard time with as well. I guess maybe we have to try to start looking at it the other way around, that after all is said and done, someone else will eventually come in for us as well and get the benefit of everything we have learned up to this point. I'm like you, can't even begin to put my energy into someone new but imagine it won't be long until STBXH has someone surface. I know that's going to be the hardest part, and it's been pretty damn hard up to now.
> 
> We persevere, all we can do.


I get you. I look at my STBXW and think "of course she'll be dating in a few minutes. Look at her, who wouldn't want to be with her". Meanwhile you think to yourself "I got dumped. Clearly I'm defective, and the best thing that ever happened to me is walking out the door". You can't believe that they can move on so quick and forget about you.

For me, it is going to take time. For her, not so much I guess. As I said, she feels that she has been alone for a long time now, so it is easy for her to start something new. 

One of the greatest things I heard on here in my other thread was someone telling me "whoever is getting the goods, pays the freight". I've been paying that freight throughout our marriage. Maybe not the way that my STBXW wanted, but all of her needs were taken care of and we have four great kids. I moved to this town/country at her behest, and now I am stuck here because I am not leaving my kids behind to go "home". I work at a job that I never really liked because it provided the financial security we needed. But I wasn't getting the goods. Let her new relationship take on that responsibility and see how it goes. Maybe it will be fantastic, the new guy is a knignt in shining armour who can do everything I couldn't. On my bad days, I feel like that is the likely scenario. 

But, hey. It is 9:30 now. Got to go sign the lease and check out the house renovations. I'll try and take a picture or two to post on here.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

That's a copout on her part, sorry. We can all do better every day, no doubt about that, but that's no reason to cheat or run away. Marriage is work. If you care, you stay and put in the hard work, period. I would've gone to my spouse and said I was unhappy and tried to find a better way for us before ever being unfaithful or splitting up my family. Any reason for anyone else not doing the same rings hollow to me. Think about how much simpler it is for them when they can make it all our fault. As long as they can point the finger back at us, they can justify what they've done or are doing and move on without a lot of remorse.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Lease is signed and September 1 is looking good. The house is a little different than I remember it from the first time I saw it, but I'll make it work.

One of the activities I had planned for myself was to take cooking classes. I always enjoyed cooking (and did it frequently while we were married - ask me about my Ham Sangria, yummy), and my new place will have a fantastic kitchen - best room in the house it looks like. Going to master a few dishes.

...how do i post pictured from my iPhone...?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

EADGBe, that is great. You really seem to be resilient and a bit of an inspiration, really.
As for your wife... Let me get this straight: she cheated on you and thinks a person who is a cheater also, won't leave his gf (not wife) for her is her soul mate? She is willing to give up a marriage and become a single mother of four (!) children? Sounds like somebody's up for a Darwin Award:loser:


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> EADGBe, that is great. You really seem to be resilient and a bit of an inspiration, really.
> As for your wife... Let me get this straight: she cheated on you and thinks a person who is a cheater also, won't leave his gf (not wife) for her is her soul mate? She is willing to give up a marriage and become a single mother of four (!) children? Sounds like somebody's up for a Darwin Award:loser:


Thanks. But I'm not resilient about this. This is crushing me. I've cried a few times - randomly. But I've taken a lot of advice from here and keep coming back to that. Fake it 'till you make it? I don't know.

As for the timeline, we married, lived in Canada (where I am from), she hated it there and all our friends moved away, she wanted to move back to the U.S., I agreed, I never made friends down here and didn't like my job so I became frustrated, she saw it as a sign of not caring about her, she started working and met people "like her", Jeff called her "beautiful" at a happy hour work event, things moved on from there, she told me she wasn't happy and that I wasn't happy either, I told her she was wrong about what I was feeling, we went to MC and the therapist told us we had lost the connection, she latched on to that and said "you're right" but didn't listen to what needed to happen to reconnect, she filed for divorce, brief reconciliation, still wasn't happy with me, re-file for divorce, doesn't make sense so we'll separate, I get a rental house that's a terrible idea, she makes a profile on a dating website and finds a partner, I sign a lease. 

Typical story...


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Thanks. But I'm not resilient about this. This is crushing me. I've cried a few times - randomly. But I've taken a lot of advice from here and keep coming back to that. Fake it 'till you make it? I don't know.
> 
> As for the timeline, we married, lived in Canada (where I am from), she hated it there and all our friends moved away, she wanted to move back to the U.S., I agreed, I never made friends down here and didn't like my job so I became frustrated, she saw it as a sign of not caring about her, she started working and met people "like her", Jeff called her "beautiful" at a happy hour work event, things moved on from there, she told me she wasn't happy and that I wasn't happy either, I told her she was wrong about what I was feeling, we went to MC and the therapist told us we had lost the connection, she latched on to that and said "you're right" but didn't listen to what needed to happen to reconnect, she filed for divorce, brief reconciliation, still wasn't happy with me, re-file for divorce, doesn't make sense so we'll separate, I get a rental house that's a terrible idea, she makes a profile on a dating website and finds a partner, I sign a lease.
> 
> Typical story...


Yep. Sounds like my situation with stbxw. she's broken, your broken. You woke up. Her? She's asleep and will be for a while because rather than being accountable she has chosen to externalize and blameshift her unhappiness on to you. Maybe she will figure this out before you have moved on. More than likely though, she will end up in the same place with her new man, jump ship, and move on to someone else.

You and I? We're miles ahead on the road to finding true happiness from within.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Wow, all it took was a compliment? She's going to have so many regrets that it actually scares me. You should throw the marriage timeline her way. It's all over the internet. It describes stages of a relationship and really you are right, it typical. However, the disconnect is a stage. If people are willing to work on it, it can be fixed. Her lack of willingness is the issue. You cried a few times, that's not bad! I cried for 5 months straight. I am now in month 7, and only now did it get better. Not great, still sucks completely, but I can see some glimmer of hope for the future. Lonely future, but a future full of love for my kids. You know I keep thinking 'who the hell will ever want a woman with two little kids?' That's two kids. Not four. Your wife is making the biggest mistake of her life. Kudos for sticking around for the kids. You're a good man. And yes, definitely resilient. Even resilient people feel depressed sometimes. It's what you do with it that counts. 
Keep your head up.
ps. internet dating sucks


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Wow, all it took was a compliment? She's going to have so many regrets that it actually scares me. You should throw the marriage timeline her way. It's all over the internet. It describes stages of a relationship and really you are right, it typical. However, the disconnect is a stage. If people are willing to work on it, it can be fixed. Her lack of willingness is the issue. You cried a few times, that's not bad! I cried for 5 months straight. I am now in month 7, and only now did it get better. Not great, still sucks completely, but I can see some glimmer of hope for the future. Lonely future, but a future full of love for my kids. You know I keep thinking 'who the hell will ever want a woman with two little kids?' That's two kids. Not four. Your wife is making the biggest mistake of her life. Kudos for sticking around for the kids. You're a good man. And yes, definitely resilient. Even resilient people feel depressed sometimes. It's what you do with it that counts.
> Keep your head up.
> ps. internet dating sucks


To be fair to my STBXW, she had approached me a couple of times about how she was unhappy. I always responded with redoubling my efforts to be a provider. Money was always tight with the ever growing number of kids, so I worked more hours for promotions, cut back on extra expenses, etc. That is not what she wanted - she wanted to go out more frequently, she wanted to have more fequent family times instead of the annual vacation that I always took as a kid and wanted to recreate for my family.

It was all about communication. We didn't do it, now the price is being paid.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

You were apparently happy enough to have four kids! I am interested in seeing the marriage timeline you're talking about, Honest, but can't find it. What is that exactly? 

As for your STBXW telling you she was unhappy, did she ever tell you why or did you have serious talks about this? Or were these just general statements throw out and then never discussed further? Just wondering. I think what hurts me the most is that STBXH carried on like nothing was wrong and never even told me he was so unhappy he was considering leaving, which is why his talk about R now and saying he loves me rings false. If he meant that, he'd be here trying to work on it, right? 

I'm also crushed and right there with ya on the fake it 'til you make it! He was here a little while ago and took more of his things and that about killed me. I still can't believe he's willing to throw it all away like this. He thinks he's a better man for leaving and I think he's weak for it. While he's out enjoying his space, I'm left taking care of the household responsibilities right down to paying the bills and our kids who are also confused and hurt!


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

OOPS, I read your name wrong, Honey, thought it said Honestly. Sorry!


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Still Remains,
Stages of Marriage « For Your Marriage

I believe it was Harrar that actually wrote a book about this


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> As for your STBXW telling you she was unhappy, did she ever tell you why or did you have serious talks about this? Or were these just general statements throw out and then never discussed further? Just wondering. I think what hurts me the most is that STBXH carried on like nothing was wrong and never even told me he was so unhappy he was considering leaving, which is why his talk about R now and saying he loves me rings false. If he meant that, he'd be here trying to work on it, right?


We've had three or four discussions over the years about how she wasn't happy where we were. I listened, told her I didn't have a problem, and did what I thought was best and what she wanted.

When our first child has born, she was adement that she didn't want to go back to work. She hated her job anyways and with maternity leave being 50 weeks in Canada, we worked it out. It required us having to move and me to change jobs to a higher paying one, but it was for the best. I latched on to the fact that she wanted to stay home with the kids and did all that I could to make sure it happened. I never considered that she wasn't necessarily happy with it. We had our second child, I worked at a job that had an hour commute each way, and all the friends we had got involved in theor own lives and moved to where was best for them. She was left alone, which prompted her to want to move back to the U.S. I looked for a job down here and found one that paid a rough equivalent of whan I was earning in Canada and down we came. Child #3 came, but soon after she was getting bored so she wanted to get a job. She found part time employement at the place she works now, which eventually turned into full time work. Her salary covered daycare for our third child and her mom helped out with the kids after school until we got home. But her job was very inflexible with regards to hours. Evenings were a rush to get everyone fed and off to bed, and her mom was subtely complaining about watching the kids as much as she did. It all became moot when she was pregnant with child #4. She left her job and stayed home with him. She still wanted to be actibve though, so she started a home based craft business. She would hold classes in our house and in a local community center. She was busy, but wasn't earning much of an income which still left us tight from a financial standpoint. So she decided to go back to work fulltime. She applied to the place where she worked when I met her, but they never got back to her, so she re-applied for her old job. I was against it because of the inflexible hours she worked before and secretly because of Jeff - I never trusted him. She was able to negotiate better hours (and more pay), so back she went. 

All this time, I was focused on the financial aspect of our lives. When we met, she carried a lot of debt. I helped her get out of it and always made sure that we were never in debt during our marriage (mortgage/car payments aside). But that left us with little money every month to have "fun". I didn't think it was too much of a problem because we always enjoyed spending quiet time together on the couch watching T.V and having a late dinner. She grew bored of that. She complained that we never went out to dinner as a family (we did, but not frequently enough for her). I was saving money for the annual family vacation. She wasn't attached to that, so she resented the fact that we had to save for it.


So here we were - we are both making decent incomes so financial pressures are not as much of an issue. We are done having kids (snip), so no more middle of the night diaper changes and they are getting to the point they don't need constant supervision. Life is about to get a little bit easier.

Nope - she's not happy and wants to separate/divorce. So that is where my disappointment comes in with someone else coming and giving her those initial butterflies in her stomach and he will get the rewards of getting to this point. 

I feel used and taken advantage of. She wins.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

spun said:


> You and I? We're miles ahead on the road to finding true happiness from within.


I appreciate the sentiment. I don't feel like I'm ahead on the road right now. Not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me (and no one should), but I look at her and I look at me and her and I see two people who are at opposite ends of the "moving on" scale. 

She's at the good end, BTW...

This is my life now though, so onwards and upwards!


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm right there with you. I'm about 95% sure STBXH has OW but I haven't found out yet (if he does, he's hiding her well until he gets what he wants from divorce). I'm just waiting every day for that shoe to drop. Just don't get how someone all of a sudden needs to live alone away from their kids. We have really great kids, too, not in trouble or anything and almost grown. No solid explanation in my mind. I even said the same words you did, about having time for each other now that they're growing up and now boom, he's leaving! He is also much farther ahead on the moving on scale since he's either already found someone else or he's been detaching from me for a very long time unbeknownst to me. I've learned he's a very good actor so I expect anything at this point.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I should also add, it's not like I changed in the last few months to make him want to leave me so badly. I could see it if we'd been fighting or something. It went from things being fine (as far as I could tell) to "I'm leaving" in no time flat. So there's something that made him need to leave his family in such a hurry.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Read this like you were/are reading it for the first time.

What would you tell a friend about the woman you described?

Some reward that guy will get.

Trust me.





EADGBe said:


> We've had three or four discussions over the years about how she wasn't happy where we were. I listened, told her I didn't have a problem, and did what I thought was best and what she wanted.
> 
> When our first child has born, she was adement that she didn't want to go back to work. She hated her job anyways and with maternity leave being 50 weeks in Canada, we worked it out. It required us having to move and me to change jobs to a higher paying one, but it was for the best. I latched on to the fact that she wanted to stay home with the kids and did all that I could to make sure it happened. I never considered that she wasn't necessarily happy with it. We had our second child, I worked at a job that had an hour commute each way, and all the friends we had got involved in theor own lives and moved to where was best for them. She was left alone, which prompted her to want to move back to the U.S. I looked for a job down here and found one that paid a rough equivalent of whan I was earning in Canada and down we came. Child #3 came, but soon after she was getting bored so she wanted to get a job. She found part time employement at the place she works now, which eventually turned into full time work. Her salary covered daycare for our third child and her mom helped out with the kids after school until we got home. But her job was very inflexible with regards to hours. Evenings were a rush to get everyone fed and off to bed, and her mom was subtely complaining about watching the kids as much as she did. It all became moot when she was pregnant with child #4. She left her job and stayed home with him. She still wanted to be actibve though, so she started a home based craft business. She would hold classes in our house and in a local community center. She was busy, but wasn't earning much of an income which still left us tight from a financial standpoint. So she decided to go back to work fulltime. She applied to the place where she worked when I met her, but they never got back to her, so she re-applied for her old job. I was against it because of the inflexible hours she worked before and secretly because of Jeff - I never trusted him. She was able to negotiate better hours (and more pay), so back she went.
> 
> ...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I was in such a good place when I started this thread...

Bad day again today. I need to move out. The vacation will help, but I need to separate from her. 

She enjoyed her work party last night. Got a little crazy. Reminded me of the fun times we had together, but now I don't get. She was texting Jeff about the good times at the Christmas party and the picture they took where his hand was on her butt. She's simultaniously texting her new guy about how she is looking forward to meeting him. Meanwhile she's telling me she has no plans for dating.

Screw her. Easier said than done though.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Screw her. Easier said than done though.


Unless you are some random guy... Zing!

Eh, that was mean.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I was in such a good place when I started this thread...
> 
> Bad day again today. I need to move out. The vacation will help, but I need to separate from her.
> 
> ...


The motto of the Going through Separation and Divorce Forum:

"Don't listen to what they say, watch what they DO"


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> The motto of the Going through Separation and Divorce Forum:
> 
> "Don't listen to what they say, watch what they DO"


I see what she is doing. I hate it. It is hard to accept that I wasn't good enough.

I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm trying to stay brave. Leaving for the vacation tommorow, getting packed up today. Got to keep out of my mind what STBXW will be doing while I'm gone.

I miss the good times we had together. The fact that I am so easily replaceable rubs me raw. Need to use that as motivation to be better person, but I'm not seeing how you ever fully get over that feeling. Maybe you don't, but press forward anyways.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I see what she is doing. I hate it. It is hard to accept that I wasn't good enough.
> 
> I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm trying to stay brave. Leaving for the vacation tommorow, getting packed up today. Got to keep out of my mind what STBXW will be doing while I'm gone.
> 
> I miss the good times we had together. The fact that I am so easily replaceable rubs me raw. Need to use that as motivation to be better person, but I'm not seeing how you ever fully get over that feeling. Maybe you don't, but press forward anyways.


If you accept her opinions/assessments over yours, there would be reason to be concerned.

Trust me, you are the father of those kids. That's not "easily replaced". She will find that out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What I don't understand if why not move directly to D if she is now aggressively and openly looking to date (cheat)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> What I don't understand if why not move directly to D if she is now aggressively and openly looking to date (cheat)


Shaggy,

What's most odious about his wife is she wouldn't give up "Jeff" for the marriage, but NOW Jeff isn't even worth exclusivity.

I would call him posOM, but he's not the only pos in the equation.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What I don't understand if why not move directly to D if she is now aggressively and openly looking to date (cheat)


It was done for the kids benefit. If we divorced, she would either have to buy out my equity in the house or sell it and move. She can't afford to buy me out (although I suspect she has a plan for that for later), and there are so few places to move to in the area and keep them in the school district (#1 in the state) that she wouldn't be able to find another place in time. When spring comes around and other people who are in the same spot we are list thier houses, there will be more options for her to move. That's when she files.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Shaggy,
> 
> What's most odious about his wife is she wouldn't give up "Jeff" for the marriage, but NOW Jeff isn't even worth exclusivity.
> 
> I would call him posOM, but he's not the only pos in the equation.


If nothing else, this might finally teach her a lesson about boundaries. When her new guy finds out about Jeff, and the secrecy she keeps around him, then their future doesn't look too bright.

Maybe I'm just wishing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> If nothing else, this might finally teach her a lesson about boundaries. When her new guy finds out about Jeff, and the secrecy she keeps around him, then their future doesn't look too bright.
> 
> Maybe I'm just wishing.


What about when Jeff finds out about the new guy?

Just from what you've written, she seems very restless. This usually has to do with childhood emotional issues.

Many times, women (in particular) will paper over this sort of thing by looking for lots and lots of attention - and creating lots and lots of drama.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

I'll try and pay as much attention as possible but I too will be going away end of next week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you renting the house is a great idea. You are not on the same street with your wife so the two of you have privacy. But for your children very little changes... they can walk between the two houses. Sharing care for them will be easier.

Why does she think it's a bad idea? Is it because she is concerned that you will see what she is up to? I'll bet that's it.

You said that you really have not made friends there. Take a look at this web site. You might find things to do that you enjoy. In my area there are also cooking clubs... it sounds like you might enjoy that. Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I think you renting the house is a great idea. You are not on the same street with your wife so the two of you have privacy. But for your children very little changes... they can walk between the two houses. Sharing care for them will be easier.
> 
> Why does she think it's a bad idea? Is it because she is concerned that you will see what she is up to? I'll bet that's it.
> 
> You said that you really have not made friends there. Take a look at this web site. You might find things to do that you enjoy. In my area there are also cooking clubs... it sounds like you might enjoy that. Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup


Well, she's told him she's not eager to date and already has more than one guy on the string.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> I'll try and pay as much attention as possible but I too will be going away end of next week.


No need. They are going to do what they want to do. It is really about me moving on now.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What about when Jeff finds out about the new guy?
> 
> Just from what you've written, she seems very restless. This usually has to do with childhood emotional issues.
> 
> Many times, women (in particular) will paper over this sort of thing by looking for lots and lots of attention - and creating lots and lots of drama.


She says she hates drama, which is one of the reasons she wants me gone (so she tells me). She is an only child, and her father passed away more than 10 years ago. She does have an extended family in the area though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> She says she hates drama, which is one of the reasons she wants me gone (so she tells me). She is an only child, and her father passed away more than 10 years ago. She does have an extended family in the area though.


What she means is she hates drama from OTHER FEMALES.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What she means is she hates drama from OTHER FEMALES.


Que? There are no other females in this equation. Sorry, I guess I'm missing your point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Que? There are no other females in this equation. Sorry, I guess I'm missing your point.


Here's what she said:

>>She says she hates drama<<

How does that square with "Jeff"? Her EA?

How does that square with her getting "bored" at home raising children?

How does that square with her convincing you to move to the United States?

Your life has been an effort to calm down her personal psychodrama - and to get her to love you.

She's even extended her theatrics to pitching a fit about you buying property in her neighborhood.... How Dare You?

If she does dislike drama, she must dislike herself.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Here's what she said:
> 
> >>She says she hates drama<<
> 
> ...


Well, she is in a happy place, according to her, so it must all sit well with her.

Her birthday is the weekend after I move - what is the etiquette for that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Well, she is in a happy place, according to her, so it must all sit well with her.
> 
> Her birthday is the weekend after I move - what is the etiquette for that?


Oh, she has so many "options" with Jeff and her men.

Reality won't be nearly as kind.

Do nothing on her birthday. Not one thing.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

I have to agree with Conrad on this one. You have been more than accommodating.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I'd follow Conrad's advice. Guy knows what he's talking about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> Well, she is in a happy place, according to her, so it must all sit well with her.
> 
> Her birthday is the weekend after I move - what is the etiquette for that?


Well, even though separated you should teach your children to respect their mother.

So you could take them out to buy either a joint gift for her or individual gifts. Then get one of those tiny cakes from the grocery store and let them present the presents and the tiny cake to her when they go to her place.

With the above you teach them to how to be good children but you are not giving her anything directly.

The other way to do it would be to invite her over to your new place and the kids can do the cake and present thing for her there.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Wow. Someone needs to tell Jeff's girlfriend...


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Don't get her anything for her BD -- your wife as you knew her is "dead." 

I just went back and saw your other threads -- and must say you have put up with her crap long enough.

It's time you take care of yourself and kids --- and move on with your life.

She has 2 boyfriends now --- so now you would be Plan C. Why would you even consider this scenario?

I read on TAM this week where a couple of exw's crashed and burned. Like I have said before -- Karma will catch up with her -- and when it does it will bite her in the ass just like these other xws who thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence.

Have a great vaction with your kids -- look at it as the start of your new life.

Be safe in your travels.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Don't get her anything for her BD -- your wife as you knew her is "dead."
> 
> I just went back and saw your other threads -- and must say you have put up with her crap long enough.
> 
> ...


That is awesome - thanks for the kind words. Off to put the kids to bed and pack the car. Off the board for a week whilst on vacation. Thanks to all of you for the kind words. It does help.

Best of luck to everyone on their journey! See you in a week!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If I was vindictive (ok i admit I am) I would:

1. Make sure jeff and the new loser know about each other
2. Create a 2 fake dating profiles on the site - and have both contact her but be polar opposites of each other.
3. Hook her on Fake #1 and Fake #2 and let her try to play one another off each other - have Fake #1 find out about #2 and say he;s going to confront, only to have his wife find out about Fake #2 and confront him as being possibly gay.

Run with it an play her for a while. See how outrageous you can go.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

jh52, sorry to highjack but which threads are those? I need some pick-me-up.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> jh52, sorry to highjack but which threads are those? I need some pick-me-up.


Here is the one from MattMatt un CWI. There is other posts about xws having Karma bite them in the ass. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53785-her-plan-failed-now-she-homeless.html

Sorry you are down tonight --


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Hey all. Vacation has been great. Weather has cooperated and the kids are having an awesome time with their friends.
I've found myself wishing I had someone here to share it with. My friends here have been great - helping out making sure the kids are taken care of and we've had a lot of laughs after the kids have gone to bed.
However, at night lying in bed all I think of is what my STBXW has been doing. Mind movies are back. And now tomorrow I'm heading back home. I am not looking forward to seeing her and have all the memories flooding back. Reminds me that I've still got to get packed up and move out.
Also, she is going to want to know how the vacation went. I am going to have the kids tell as much of the story as possible, but there are going to be things that they are not going to be able to answer. I don't want to be a jerk by not answering but it is also kind of none of her business, you know?
And again, the hurt I feel that I am being thrown away so easily by her. Moving out will help but I need to stop thinking about her even when we are apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I have today, tomorrow and Wednesday off work and need to pack my stuff. My STBXW has "helpful" while I was gone and boxed up a lot of stuff she doesn't want anymore (plates, cups, etc) and "gifting" it to me. Thanks...

Looks like Jeff is back in her sightlines also. I need to remove myself from this situation. 

House might not be 100% done for September 1, but I told the landlord I'm moving in that day anyways, even if I have to sleep on a couch somewhere in it.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> I have today, tomorrow and Wednesday off work and need to pack my stuff. My STBXW has "helpful" while I was gone and boxed up a lot of stuff she doesn't want anymore (plates, cups, etc) and "gifting" it to me. Thanks...
> 
> Looks like Jeff is back in her sightlines also. I need to remove myself from this situation.
> 
> House might not be 100% done for September 1, but I told the landlord I'm moving in that day anyways, even if I have to sleep on a couch somewhere in it.


Good luck -- this will be a tough week -- but once you get in your own place -- hopefully it will get better.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Crap crap crap. Looks like my new place will not be ready for September 1st. Not sure of a date yet. The process is getting dragged out now which is the opposite of what I need. Crap crap crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Crap crap crap. Looks like my new place will not be ready for September 1st. Not sure of a date yet. The process is getting dragged out now which is the opposite of what I need. Crap crap crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you book another trip?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Can you book another trip?


I am going away In mid-September for a few days. Boys weekend at the cottage. Just need to be patient and let life unfold. 

Jeff is 100% back in the picture. I'm O.K with it. If that is what she wants, then so be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I am going away In mid-September for a few days. Boys weekend at the cottage. Just need to be patient and let life unfold.
> 
> Jeff is 100% back in the picture. I'm O.K with it. If that is what she wants, then so be it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it makes you feel any better, she has no idea what she wants.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Here was the vacation photo I was trying to post last week. Guess which arm is mine...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Situation is getting a little tougher here.

She asked me this morning if we were making any plans for next Saturday (her birthday). I said that I didn't have any. She asked if she was free to make her own plans and said "Sure". She asked if she could do something with the kids and I said "Go ahead". She stormed off.

Five minutes later she came back and asked what the plans were for Friday night - it is our oldest daughter's softball banquet. I said I'm going. She got annoyed, saying that if I was going, she wouldn't and it would be up to me to tell our daughter that her mother wouldn't be going because of me. I told her I had no problems with her coming as well. She responded along the lines of "you really want to spend four hours with our daughter's friends parents pretending everything is fine". I said "Sure". She went off again about how these people would rather spend time with her than with me (that might actually be the case...  ). Insisted that I be gone on the 15th no matter what. Said that I had every intention of it, although I can't guarantee it due to the house renovations. She stormed off again and went out with her mom and aunt.

Kept my cool pretty good through the exchanges - even laughed a little. The funny thing is both situations, her birthday and the banquet, are being treated exactly the way they are spelled out in the separation agreement. It states that on her birthday the kids are with her and we both have the right to attend any of the kids functions.

Really hoping the house is done for the 15th though...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Feels good to stand up to her, doesn't it?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

So this is the dilema I face, knw it was going to happen.

She is going to need to take a class on Tuesday nights for her job. She wants me to take the kids that night. So here is the problem - it is an extra night for me with the kids, but it is also making her life easier. What to do?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> So this is the dilema I face, knw it was going to happen.
> 
> She is going to need to take a class on Tuesday nights for her job. She wants me to take the kids that night. So here is the problem - it is an extra night for me with the kids, but it is also making her life easier. What to do?


Say no.

Make her get a sitter.

Live by the letter of your agreement.

Sign up for something you enjoy on Tuesdays.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Say no.
> 
> Make her get a sitter.
> 
> ...


I get it, but the guilt of not spending more time with my kids... Tough decision.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I get it, but the guilt of not spending more time with my kids... Tough decision.


Take care of you.

Do not enable her.

You did not ask for this.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Take the kids. You will both have to compromise for the remainder of your lives. take the high road


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Take the kids. You will both have to compromise for the remainder of your lives. take the high road


It's unclear whether they're getting divorced or not.

She needs to fully recognize the life she's choosing.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's unclear whether they're getting divorced or not.
> 
> She needs to fully recognize the life she's choosing.


I need to let go of my anger and disappointment of the situation, as well as any revenge fantasies, and look at this logically and practically.

I think the right balance is this - if an emergency or one-time event comes up especially with plenty of advance notice, I'll make every effort to help out. If it is an activity for the kids and requires my help, no problem. But if it is a recurring commitment that is really for STBXW's benefit and not the kids, sorry, can't do it.

So in this case here, not going to help out because of her class (and actually already have an activity that night scheduled anyways - the work bowling league. It is every other week, and we are the defending champions. More from my high handicap than my skill). But on an as needed basis going forward, sure. There will be times when I am going to require the same from her I am sure so do not poison the well...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

So the last few days have been a little tense/surreal. My STBXW is extremely quiet around the house - we've spent evenings apart for months now, but these last few days she has been extremely distant. I'm not so bold as to say that she is realizing that she is going to miss me - I doubt that now at this point. I guess the full reality of the situation is hitting her. It's hitting me too.

But you know what, I'm good. I've been able to look back at some of the things that we never got on the same page on and instead of me saying "why didn't I do more", I'm also thinking "why didn't she do more".

These are lessons learned for my next relationship.

New house though is still hopeful for the 15th, but no guarantees. Really hope it is though - need to move out and on.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm back - anyone miss me? 

Wanted to provide an update - both good and bad.

Finally got to move into my new place on September 16th. Went smoothly for the most part, although at that time my new place still was not finished construction. But it was livable enough that I could crash there until I left for a trip on the 18th. Believe it or not, there is still some small work to be done to the house to fully finish it off, and the furnace currently isn't working (and it is *cold* here at night these days), but this isn't a renter's/landlord relationship site, so I'll stop there.

The kids are doing as well as can be expected so far. They spent their first night in my house this past Friday and next weekend will be over for the entire three days. 

As for my STBXW - doing my best to keep the 180 up. Only see her when necessary to transfer the kids, and even at those moments only talk to her about very specific topics related to kids or finances during the separation. 

Outside of her, trying my best to keep busy. Still putting things away in my new place and getting things set up. Had the kids back in Canada last weekend for Canadian Thanksgiving and saw some old friends- they have three kids and the seven of them combined had a blast playing together. Bowling league has started and just got in contact yesterday with the league commissioner for the city Squash league (I essentially stopped playing squash competitively when I got married). Mentioned before about building a skating rink in the backyard - this Sunday when I've got the kids we'll all go out there and start measuring, calculating the leveling requirements and marking stakes. Still looking into cooking classes once the squash schedule is made available to me - I don't know what nights that league plays yet.

What haven't I done well so far - I'm trying to stay detached from my STBXW and just deal with facts when talking to her, but I can hear myself delivering it in a rude tone of voice. That's not the impression I want to leave with her. Rather I need to be a little more upbeat about it. 

Not that I am missing her. In fact, right now the feeling I have the most when I think about her is anger. Anger that I followed her around and eventually down here. That I am "stuck" here because of her. Angry that she didn't want to work on our marriage and only focused on what she considered the bad times (she felt we'd lost our connection), and is happy enough to ignore all the good times and memories we shared.

Also have got myself in a situation that I need to be very careful with - I've met somebody. We've gone out a couple of times and have really connected well. I've explained my separation and where I am in the process. She'd actually been burned before by dating someone with whom she got very serious over the course of a year only to have him go back and reconcile with his ex-wife. So we've both agreed to take it very slow and see how things play out. I am concious to make sure that I am just not looking for someone to fill a relationship void. I was actually looking forward to being on my own for a bit, and with alternating custody schedules between her kids and mine (we will not be seen with each other in any of our kids' presence until we are sure this is a committed long term thing and we are obviously very far from that point now), I still am alone most of the time. 

Anyway - thanks for reading my update. Happy to listen to any advice or critizism. Or answer any questions - answering questions really makes my analyze the situation and understand what is happening.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I actually did miss you.

Keep in mind, anger is completely normal.

You've been codependent and angry with her for a long long time, but you simply swallowed it and played the role of "strong man". The guy who makes it all possible, yadda, yadda, yadda, while she chased her rainbows and you "hoped she'd be happy"

B.S. on all that.

Yes, you have every right to righteous anger. It's part of healing.

And, yes, you should work towards indifference.

What you will eventually see is that she's set you free from codependent hell.

She's now "Jeff's" problem.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

What is annoying me now are her Facebook postings. They are these "inspirational" quotes about how you need to leave behind the past and live the life that is in front of you, how you hope there is a soft landing after you take that next step. I see these things, and our mutual friends see these things, and it paints me as the bad guy. I'm almost tempted to "Like" the status as an F.U. to her. 

I have no interest is correcting the story to everyone. But come on woman, why broadcast the destruction of six people's lives over the internet (although I suppose I'm doing the same thing by posting here).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If she "gets to you" in that manner, there's still a bit more work to do on detachment.

Yes, she's extraordinarily selfish. Those she is running towards will be exposed to it the same as you.

(Actually, reading this board makes you think her selfishness isn't quite as extraordinary as we'd hope. But, it doesn't make it right)


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"What is annoying me now are her Facebook postings. They are these "inspirational" quotes." Ever think of doing the same thing. Put up some posts on your Facebook about how a man needs to be strong, whatever is done to me only makes me stronger, etc., you don't define me, etc.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Facebook is any self absorbed individuals dream.

Me. Me. Me. Look at me, see how great I am.

Stay off of it.

Others will see through her charade too.

Take the high road like you have been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> If she "gets to you" in that manner, there's still a bit more work to do on detachment.
> 
> Yes, she's extraordinarily selfish. Those she is running towards will be exposed to it the same as you.
> 
> (Actually, reading this board makes you think her selfishness isn't quite as extraordinary as we'd hope. But, it doesn't make it right)


Certainly more work to do on detachment. I mean, we spent 15 years together. Can't just forget about that.

It's the narrative that bothers me. Makes me question the background of the situation. I will fully admit that I had a hand in getting to this point. I was too passive and happy to try and keep things steady. I didn't excite her enough anymore.

But I also never did anything bad to her. There are stronger cases for divorce than ours...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Certainly more work to do on detachment. I mean, we spent 15 years together. Can't just forget about that.
> 
> It's the narrative that bothers me. Makes me question the background of the situation. I will fully admit that I had a hand in getting to this point. I was too passive and happy to try and keep things steady. I didn't excite her enough anymore.
> 
> But I also never did anything bad to her. There are stronger cases for divorce than ours...


For a selfish person to justify their actions, they MUST see themselves as a victim.

Have you read about the Victim Triangle?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> "What is annoying me now are her Facebook postings. They are these "inspirational" quotes." Ever think of doing the same thing. Put up some posts on your Facebook about how a man needs to be strong, whatever is done to me only makes me stronger, etc., you don't define me, etc.


I don't do Facebook. I have nothing to say really. Can't see myself posting anything about this situation really. This should be between her and me. 

...should be...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

spun said:


> Facebook is any self absorbed individuals dream.
> 
> Me. Me. Me. Look at me, see how great I am.
> 
> ...


I like to think I am taking the high road. That's what I am aiming for. 

Got to move on. Most of the time, I'm there, but having to see her frequently because of the kids doesn't help. But it is more anger than anything else right now. 

All about keeping the kids happy at this point.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> For a selfish person to justify their actions, they MUST see themselves as a victim.
> 
> Have you read about the Victim Triangle?


Have not heard about the Victim Triangle.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Have not heard about the Victim Triangle.


Prepare for an epiphany:

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> (Actually, reading this board makes you think her selfishness isn't quite as extraordinary as we'd hope. But, it doesn't make it right)


Conrad - you've been awesome in following my journey - thank you for that and being there. But I want to come back to your quote above - can you clarify that one for me?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Conrad - you've been awesome in following my journey - thank you for that and being there. But I want to come back to your quote above - can you clarify that one for me?


The lies and crap she's put you through with "Jeff" and the other posOM's have been nothing short of heinous.

She's simply trampled on your emotion and commitment.

It's been cruel, vicious, and mean.

As much as I'd LIKE to believe her behavior is "extra ordinary", it truly isn't.

This board is filled with similar stories.

I wish it weren't that way.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

So STBXW just drove past my house...


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> So STBXW just drove past my house...


Checking on her plan B.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

spun said:


> Checking on her plan B.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah - as flattering as that would be, it doesn't make sense given the Facebook postings and the fact that she is dating.

I don't understand women... :scratchhead:


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

So it appears she will file for divorce this week. She is doing it out of spite and not logic - she is only screwing herself by doing that. 

So be it.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> So it appears she will file for divorce this week. She is doing it out of spite and not logic - she is only screwing herself by doing that.
> 
> So be it.


You give defiant people what they want.

She's not your problem anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

spun said:


> You give defiant people what they want.
> 
> She's not your problem anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. We've been working to this ultimate conclusion for some time now.

Still hurts though to reach the finish line. What a shame.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I agree. We've been working to this ultimate conclusion for some time now.
> 
> Still hurts though to reach the finish line. What a shame.


No, it did not have to be this way.

But, if someone is determined to fight you, they will.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

OK. Signing divorce papers on Tuesday. Life moves on.

So, Christmas - in the past, we've always given the kids one "big" gift. This year, if we do the same, I'll obviously have to split the cost 50/50 with her.

But I won't be there Christmas morning this year to watch them open it. We alternate Christmas mornings according to the agreement. What's the protocol there? The kids shouldn't suffer, and I suppose that next year I'll get the benefit, but it still sticks in my craw a bit.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I wouldn't contribute a dime towards a joint gift.

Give them something you know they want - on your own.

If she needs "extra" money for gifts, let her get it from Jeff.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

So, I've got the kids this weekend. They're in bed, I'm watching the basketball game and am about to head to bed. I hear my phone - the following text message exchange takes place (H = STBXW and messages corrected for the awful shorthand she uses, M = Me).

H: Can I ask you a question?
M: Sure.
H: What do you think of this whole thing?
M: I honestly don't know.
H: Somedays you seem like you're better off. You do more and are more active with the kids.
M: I'm just doing the best I can given the situation. As you are. The kids come first.
H: I agree. But I guess I don't understand why you couldn't do that when we were together. I feel like I was holding you back too.
M: I am not doing this by text message. If you want to to talk then come over.
H: Not tonight. And you tend to look at me with distain when I am around. That's hard too.
M: Yeah - again, not doing this by text message. I did the best I could.
H: We do need to talk. I just don't want to do it tonight.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> So, I've got the kids this weekend. They're in bed, I'm watching the basketball game and am about to head to bed. I hear my phone - the following text message exchange takes place (H = STBXW and messages corrected for the awful shorthand she uses, M = Me).
> 
> H: Can I ask you a question?
> M: Sure.
> ...


My friend, this is called "dawn"


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And.... GREAT JOB not doing this sort of emotional discussion by text. That was perfect. Keep that boundary.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> So, I've got the kids this weekend. They're in bed, I'm watching the basketball game and am about to head to bed. I hear my phone - the following text message exchange takes place (H = STBXW and messages corrected for the awful shorthand she uses, M = Me).
> 
> H: Can I ask you a question?
> M: Sure.
> ...


Hope you know what YOU really want.

She's testing you.

Stand tall and stick to your guns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

spun said:


> Hope you know what YOU really want.
> 
> She's testing you.
> 
> ...


You see how this works now.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

That was a very interesting exchange for sure. Wants to talk but not just now???? You know her better than us so I will have to defer to your opinion. Does she like to stall, put things off? Does she shirk some duties? What about postpartum?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> That was a very interesting exchange for sure. Wants to talk but not just now???? You know her better than us so I will have to defer to your opinion. Does she like to stall, put things off? Does she shirk some duties? What about postpartum?


No - she is generally proactive. Certainly she gets stuff done where she works.

Doesn't really matter though - seeing my lawyer Tuesday morning to get served and sign all the paperwork.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> No - she is generally proactive. Certainly she gets stuff done where she works.
> 
> Doesn't really matter though - seeing my lawyer Tuesday morning to get served and sign all the paperwork.


It's not over until the gavel falls.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Keep us posted after your meeting.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Signed the summons and PSA on Tuesday. Now we wait a couple of weeks and it is all over.

Really angry today.

Her life doesn't change that much. I'm losing everything I worked for in the 15 years we've been together. Sure, I obviously have 4 great kids and I enjoy the time I have with them, but she gets to tra-la-la on. I'm starting over from scratch. I know I've said all this before, but today again I realize that I am here only because of her and now I'm left with half my paycheck and a few measly sticks of furniture.

And she wonders why I don't talk to her when I pick up/drop off the kids. What is she expecting me to say to her. Bloody hell.

...just venting...


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

These things have a way of leveraging out EDGE, may not be tomorrow but somewhere along the line after you have totally forgot about what's presently going on someone will tell you some karma thing that happened to your ex. You'll be in a better palce


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> These things have a way of leveraging out EDGE, may not be tomorrow but somewhere along the line after you have totally forgot about what's presently going on someone will tell you some karma thing that happened to your ex. You'll be in a better palce


That's the fantasy, isn't it?

I was not perfect. But I never did anything bad either.

F*ck it.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

She is asking how much it will cost me to stay on my insurance...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> She is asking how much it will cost me to stay on my insurance...


Tell her it's not an option.

Husbands carry their wives on insurance.

"I'm not ok with you picking and choosing which parts of being married you wanted"


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Text message this morning letting me know what time the kids will be ready, oh and by the way, I have two new kittens here. The kids love them.

Really? Glad you can afford it. I keep the temperature in my place at 55 degrees to keep expenses down. She's off taking responsibility for two cats. Oh, and telling me her new iPhone is swell. 

Gah.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Now I have to go over there, and the kids will be excited to show me the kittens. I've got to play nice - I mean, good for them. But really?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Act happy and careless , this is killing them most !


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

What if it is 100% my fault? How do you live with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Did you left your W ? Can you give us a quick head up ?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> What if it is 100% my fault? How do you live with that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not 100% your fault.

That's what she wants you to believe.

She's been crazy making for years. So much that you have no idea what's up or down anymore.

Get up to 50,000 ft and stay there.

You'll see things as they really are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Agree with spun ! It is never 100% the fault of 1 person only ! Even if you cheated and leave her, means she make something that made you cheat and run away from her !


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> What if it is 100% my fault? How do you live with that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You actually know better than that.

Jeff knows better than that also.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I need to think less about her and more about me.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> I need to think less about her and more about me.


Yes. It's hard as hell.

But, it's the key to your progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

It's our 12 year anniversary today.

Off to Canada with the kids to visit some friends for the weekend. Happy belated Thanksgiving to our American friends!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> It's our 12 year anniversary today.
> 
> Off to Canada with the kids to visit some friends for the weekend. Happy belated Thanksgiving to our American friends!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't you dare say a word to her.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don't you dare say a word to her.


That's why I'm going to Canada. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> That's why I'm going to Canada.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Smart man.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Just got back and dropped the kids off at STBXW - who insisted I marvel at the Christmas light display she put up on the house while I was gone. I said it looked nice and left.

Something seemed a little too perky. Came back here and checked a dating website - lo and behold a new profile, with the status of "Divorced". 

News to me, but it is what it is.

The kids had fun this weekend though. Good friends to visit.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Just got back and dropped the kids off at STBXW - who insisted I marvel at the Christmas light display she put up on the house while I was gone. I said it looked nice and left.
> 
> Something seemed a little too perky. Came back here and checked a dating website - lo and behold a new profile, with the status of "Divorced".
> 
> ...


No more checking up on her.

You don't have a care in the world ;-).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Aaaannnnnnnnnnd, I'm divorced.

Merry Christmas everybody!


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Aaaannnnnnnnnnd, I'm divorced.
> 
> Merry Christmas everybody!


Awesome! Congrats! How was Canada? Just came back from there. Vancouver's nice and cozy right about now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Aaaannnnnnnnnnd, I'm divorced.
> 
> Merry Christmas everybody!


:smthumbup:

Enjoy your new life!!


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Enjoy your new life!!





ilou said:


> Awesome! Congrats! How was Canada? Just came back from there. Vancouver's nice and cozy right about now.


Thanks for the well wishes, but unfortunately my message was pure sarcasm. 

Horribly depressed right now. Christmas was always my favourite holiday and I'm sitting in my house (I have the kids this weekend) that is bereft of decorations save for a tree and some cheap ornaments. Can't afford anything else right now. Meanwhile, at my old house which I am over at all the time with kid transfers, is all decked out with the "family" decorations accumulated over the 15+ years we were together. Brings back happy memories and hurts that it is all gone now. 

It is days like today that I feel that I don't have the strength to start all over again.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I was hurt when I saw the tree at H house the fact that they did it with out me was a slap in the face. Putting the tree together was always a family thing. Really hurts


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

OK. So my ex-Mother-in-law was always the one to help out with the kids since we moved here. She got the oldest ones off the bus, then picked up the youngest daughter from preschool and kept them entertained and fed until XW got home. She'd been doing it for years, even when we were still married. XW relied on her a lot and still does.

Unfortunately, she had a stroke this weekend. Thankfully it was a mild one and she should recover well. But she won't be able to do all the things she could in the past - i.e drive and pick up kids. And obviously one could lead to another so there is an issue there of keeping the kids in her care.

Part of me is "Ha Ha - You're fvucked". The reasonable side of me is "Oh crap - she's fvcked". The next few days while she is in the hospital will be especially difficult. What's the protocol here?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Be the best you can be in God's Eyes!


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