# Third Place?



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I have taken a pretty long hiatus from TAM. I am almost through a pretty protracted and ugly 2+ year divorce. The skies are clearing, and the sun is starting to shine again.

My oldest son has since left for the marines, and my next is preparing to leave for a military academy this summer. By August of this year, that will leave me as a single father of 4. Father is a title that I prize beyond any of the other titles I possess. One of the few good things that came out of this mess, is that I possess an excellent relationship with all of my kids, and I would not trade that for the world. 

My second oldest girl who is heading into high school asked me this week if I think that I will marry again. Without much hesitation, I said yes I believe that I will. Interestingly enough she said that she thought that was good, because she'd like to have a mom that loved her again. 

I was saddened by the brutal honesty of my daughter's statement, but realize that I will be walking a fine line between two worlds. I am finding that I am desiring to date, and I feel that this is healthy for me. However, I am not prepared to put anyone besides my God in front of my kids. That being said though, it is time for me to start living again. 

I was married for over 20 years, and realize that one of the major issues in the break down of my marriage was the fact that my career seemingly took precedence over my ex-wife. I now have struck a much healthier balance between family and work, but I am unsure how to juggle the third ball of a relationship.

I realize that all women are different, but I yet have to meet one that doesn't demand considerable attention. I guess what I am trying to ask is are most women OK with being third on their guys list? 1) God 2) kids 3) new relationship. 

I haven't dated during the last 2+ years, because frankly I wouldn't want anyone that would date a still married man. Custody with be finalized in June, and then property and everything else very shortly after. I am up, and ready to get back in the game. I would welcome any of your thoughts and advice; particularly from women, on whether or not they feel that "third place" is unreasonable.

LIL


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Why did your D take 2 years to settle? I am guessing it was hotly contested?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

It was a tad unusual. She was a long-term stay a home mom, and I was a mostly gone professional man. I sought primary custody for the good of our kids, after she had demonstrated she wasn't up to the task of being a single mom. I got it, and then had to consistently defend it. 

I would like to tell you the courts aren't biased, but that wouldn't be entirely true. As a man, you not only have to be a better parent, but you have to make a case that the other parent is unfit. 

Her family has deep pockets, but they have started to come around. I really am tired of the fighting. I just want my kids to have a future.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

May I suggest that if you marry again... Priority becomes God, wife, then kids. A man's wife should be first right after God from a Christian perspective, no matter what the blended family dynamic. I think you will be in trouble quickly if your priorities place your wife as the third wheel. Remember... the kids will all move away at some point, and then it's just you and the wife. Will she want to stay with you or leave as well? I would also suggest putting your kids first may set an example your kids will follow into their future marriages. If they also apply these priorities, their marriages will most likely be troubled as well. This is one man's perspective, being this is one of several issues that sent my marriage into a tailspin.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Completely agree with Andy. Putting your wife/marriage as a higher priority does not equal neglecting your children. If anything, they benefit from seeing and learning that your marital relationship is important, respected and treasured - and hopefully, they too, will have THAT kind of relationship with their future spouses.

Relationships, (not necessarily women) require lots of time, energy and attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree with your overall thoughts, but this is the part where I explain that my situation is different. I won't though because I believe you both are right. That being said though, my children really don't have a functional and healthy mother. Furthermore, based upon observation of her actions I don't see "Elvis" returning to the mothering building anytime soon.

I think third is an unfair expectation, but it is all I have to offer. That and the fact I am still technically married has kept me on the dating sidelines. I think this question is handled differently in marriage than outside of it. I just can't meet someone and elevate their needs above my kids. I am also guessing that I will be dating for awhile before I encounter my next wife. I am in no rush to remarry. I was with my soon to be ex for 23 years. In a sense I am still finding out who I am. I was never single as a young adult. So if I may re-ask my question is third place something a dating woman would object to?
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm going to say "yes" there are women who will settle for third place - but the kind of woman she is may not be who you want or need her to be.

If you plan on dating anytime soon I would assume that church functions are probably your best bet for finding someone with all the qualities needed to be in a relationship with you. (Obviously, God will be number one for her also, which is a great start).

I think it important to note that no one is saying your potential future wife or date should come between you and your children, or that her needs are more important, that may or may not have been taken out of context, I'm not sure... Obviously if you are seeking something casual this does not apply. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

lastinline, 

I've dated a bit. Even had 2 mini-relationships that lasted over 2 months. Once that mark hit I realized that I could not give another woman right now what I needed to be able to give her. In other words, my child was always going to come before them. 

I agree with the other posters that it is God, Marriage, kids. The marriage takes work and a constant commitment. Until you are prepared for that dynamic then I think dating casually is the way to go. I am not prepared to put someone else in front of my kids, and to be honest, in front of me. I spent 7 years doing that and I'm not ready to do it again for the time being. 

Get your divorce finished up and then start dating a little. Don't settle, however. Just enjoy the company of the opposite sex.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Lastinline... These situations are so complex and I see your perspective. Do what you can to heal and above all keep your head up. If you do get to a point where you are ready for a new marriage, contact a pastor or deacon from the faith you follow. It sounds like you place emphasis on this and it's so important to approach it with the support and guidance from those who can guide you. It is really important to seek men of faith as well who can support you. We (meaning men) try to do it all ourselves and feel we shouldn't reach out to other men for help. This is an achillis heel of men in our society, and it was for me. Seek counsel, apply it, keep your faith, and yes continue your focus on your kids. This is a noble work.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

One more thing Lastinline. My son has also joined the Marines. I served with the USMC as well. I'm a proud dad, and I'm sure you are too! 

Semper Fi!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Andy968 said:


> May I suggest that if you marry again... Priority becomes God, wife, then kids. A man's wife should be first right after God from a Christian perspective, no matter what the blended family dynamic. I think you will be in trouble quickly if your priorities place your wife as the third wheel. Remember... the kids will all move away at some point, and then it's just you and the wife. Will she want to stay with you or leave as well? I would also suggest putting your kids first may set an example your kids will follow into their future marriages. If they also apply these priorities, their marriages will most likely be troubled as well. This is one man's perspective, being this is one of several issues that sent my marriage into a tailspin.


I couldn't have said it better.

Lastinline...your marriage will not work with your current belief. Your kids are older and will move on and then you will be left alone.

Heal your heart and help your kids to heal before considering marriage or even dating again. It will be in yours and everyone's best interest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks guys for the helpful advice. You are all pretty much coming in around the same lines as I am. I wouldn't think that there would still be social pressure for someone in their mid-forties to date, but it is there. When this divorce thing finally blows over in the next six months I will casually date just for the social aspects of it.

I do believe that dating is meant to lead to courtship, and courtship to marriage. As I am not ready or wanting to look for a new spouse, it understand it would only be fair for me to refrain from any serious dating until the time that that changes. I guess that sort of puts a nail in the coffin of this thread.

LIL


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm in a serious relationship with a man with kids, and it's just a given to me that those kids' needs are going to come first sometimes -- not all the time, but often, and that's just the way it should be. My SO is a wonderful father, and that's part of the reason that I love him. I'd say that yes, there certainly are women out there who will understand that and embrace it. There are, alas, also some really horrible women -- go visit a site called Steptalk.org if you want to see true harpies with stepchildren. So, yes, be careful, make it clear up front that you are a devoted father and you expect a woman that you love to accept that and appreciate it.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Eeeeeek! I looked at steptalk.org. What a dark place that is. Blended or blendered families. I know that one of the many problems my stbx has is that my kids despise her older boyfriend. The older three kids don't even visit their mom. I couldn't begin to imagine how much pressure must be in that house. I definitely do not want to be a regular on that site. Nothing is better than the wrong thing.

LIL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No kidding, lastinline -- I've rarely seen a more vituperative, dysfunctional group of people. I like things much better over here! (I am a stepparent, but I love my stepchildren and feel privileged to be part of their lives.)


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