# Man with little sexual experience a red flag?



## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

My marriage is on its way out and it seems like lack of sex is to blame. I have only had sex with my wife (not for religious reasons). I didn't have a lot of sexual confidence going into my marriage. It slowly got worse and I lost any confidence I had left. My STBXW was not interested in "teaching" me about sex. I think it's a cop out since she's not all that confident either by her own admission. At one point in the middle of our troubles she suggested I should have sex with other women to gain confidence. I think that was a terrible idea when at the time I was trying to save my marriage.

Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

2arebetter said:


> My marriage is on its way out and it seems like lack of sex is to blame. I have only had sex with my wife (not for religious reasons). I didn't have a lot of sexual confidence going into my marriage. It slowly got worse and I lost any confidence I had left. My STBXW was not interested in "teaching" me about sex. I think it's a cop out since she's not all that confident either by her own admission. At one point in the middle of our troubles she suggested I should have sex with other women to gain confidence. I think that was a terrible idea when at the time I was trying to save my marriage.
> 
> Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?


Not around here it’s not lol.
You have proven yourself to be an honorable trustworthy man.
Men like that are in high demand.
As regards sex,if you can maintain an erection then everything else can be learned.
Trust me on that.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> My marriage is on its way out and it seems like lack of sex is to blame. I have only had sex with my wife (not for religious reasons). I didn't have a lot of sexual confidence going into my marriage. It slowly got worse and I lost any confidence I had left. My STBXW was not interested in "teaching" me about sex. I think it's a cop out since she's not all that confident either by her own admission. At one point in the middle of our troubles she suggested I *should have sex with other women to gain confidence*. I think that was a terrible idea when at the time I was trying to save my marriage.
> 
> Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?


People will likely tell you this means she's been getting some on the side. 

No need for anyone know how many partners you've had.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I wouldn't worry about. Seriously. There are men that have banged dozens of woman that are lousy in bed. Just do what comes naturally to you and don't be a selfish or inconsiderate lover and you'll be fine. Also, not sure how old you are but depending on your age, older women often know exactly what they want anyway, and are not shy about telling you. Don't over think things when it comes to this. Its just sex.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> People will likely tell you this means she's been getting some on the side.
> 
> No need for anyone know how many partners you've had.


She has gotten some on the side. I think the lack of sex was the drive for her to cheat. NOT an excuse though. I am under no impression it was my fault she cheated. I will admit that I was a major part of why our marriage turned downward though.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

cant speak for women (where are they?) but i don't think lack of experience correlates with mediocre sex.

as an anecdote, i'll say that i waited a long time in my life to have sex. like you, i was nervous too.
when i started dating and having sex, i was with several women
with far more experience than me, and they never guessed or thought i was inexperienced. 
I think for the most part it comes naturally.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I am sorry that you are having problems like this. If you have no kids then
you should be glad. The excuse your wife is giving you is BS. When she
suggested you go get more experience with other women this could be
because of two things. One she has cheated and wants to be able to say 
you did to. Two- She wants you to cheat and then she will have an excuse 
to do so. As far as sexual partners are concerned a lot of men tend to lie
up (BRAG) A lot of women tend to lie down. The number of sexual partners 
you have had or will have has nothing to do with sex. Some people with a lot
are lousy in bed. Some with just a few a great.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

... and most importantly, some are great for each other or not great for each other, completely independent of experience levels. 

If the chemistry is there, two can make it work.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> My marriage is on its way out and it seems like lack of sex is to blame. I have only had sex with my wife (not for religious reasons). I didn't have a lot of sexual confidence going into my marriage. It slowly got worse and I lost any confidence I had left. My STBXW was not interested in "teaching" me about sex. I think it's a cop out since she's not all that confident either by her own admission. At one point in the middle of our troubles she suggested I should have sex with other women to gain confidence. I think that was a terrible idea when at the time I was trying to save my marriage.
> 
> Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?


You seem to only want women to answer, since you posted this is the Ladies' Lounge.

However, I feel I should mention there is no justification for your belief there is a correlation between confidence and experience. 

In fact you are an example of the inverse correlation. The more experience you gained the lower your confidence has become.

Confidence is something you gain by knowing yourself, and your own value, independent of any skill you may have, or not have, in any area.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Speaking for myself (a woman) I’d have fun teaching you. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2arebetter said:


> My marriage is on its way out and it seems like lack of sex is to blame. I have only had sex with my wife (not for religious reasons). I didn't have a lot of sexual confidence going into my marriage. It slowly got worse and I lost any confidence I had left. My STBXW was not interested in "teaching" me about sex. I think it's a cop out since she's not all that confident either by her own admission. At one point in the middle of our troubles she suggested I should have sex with other women to gain confidence. I think that was a terrible idea when at the time I was trying to save my marriage.
> 
> Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?


Not at all. I love that my husband has only had sex with his first wife before me and has never had sex outside marriage. I find a man who has strong moral values and self control very attractive and appealing. 

What your wife said was awful, sex is something that you work on together, and having lots of casual sex doesn't make anyone a good lover BTW. 
There are lots of books etc with good advise for couples to read together and work on together. The last thing you need is to commit adultery, that would not help you and would end the marriage for sure.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Speaking for myself (a woman) I’d have fun teaching you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


This.:grin2:

My first time was with a very experienced girl and she was talking to god in the first few seconds of penetration.

It was very good because she knew what she wanted and I let her go with it and helped whatever position she wanted to try.

A good woman knows what to do and if you are a good, if inexperienced, man, you will have a blast letting her go for it and helping.

A lot of women would probably love the opportunity to give you some training. Just be honest, unassuming and confident and above all, have fun!

Sex should not be so depressing. It feels good, looks ridiculously undignified and causes people to make weird faces and noises.

Relax and enjoy it and your lady will more than likely have a good time as well.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Lack of sex isn't a red flag, but some people would consider a history of turning ones spouse down for sex is a concern. You need to think about whether you want a relationship that includes a lot of sex, or if you would prefer to be with someone who didn't want much sex. Mismatches in marriage are a big problem. 




2arebetter said:


> My marriage is on its way out and it seems like lack of sex is to blame. I have only had sex with my wife (not for religious reasons). I didn't have a lot of sexual confidence going into my marriage. It slowly got worse and I lost any confidence I had left. My STBXW was not interested in "teaching" me about sex. I think it's a cop out since she's not all that confident either by her own admission. At one point in the middle of our troubles she suggested I should have sex with other women to gain confidence. I think that was a terrible idea when at the time I was trying to save my marriage.
> 
> Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's not uncommon for cheating wives to tell their BH's to get some on the side. 

A lot of that is it makes them feel like they have license to screw around more than they already are. 

Another reason for that is most WWs will lose all respect and attraction for their BH so they figure if he is getting it elsewhere, he won't bug her for it. 

Some will use it as ammunition and use it to say that the BH stepped out first or that he was cheating on her. 

And finally, 99.999% of is a safe thing to say to an LD and p^$$y whipped H because she knows he won't actually do it. -It must makes her feel better and makes her feel more entitled to screw around because she offered it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I honestly believe that your STBXW is the one who has been soliciting "a little bit on the side" ~ to which I heartily say, "good riddance!" *


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Lack of sex isn't a red flag, but some people would consider a history of turning ones spouse down for sex is a concern. You need to think about whether you want a relationship that includes a lot of sex, or if you would prefer to be with someone who didn't want much sex. Mismatches in marriage are a big problem.


I never turned her down. It was always her turning me down until I lost all confidence to try.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> I never turned her down. It was always her turning me down until I lost all confidence to try.


And that shouldn’t be a red flag because it’s the most common story in mankind


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Experience in life can be good if one chooses to learn from them. But sexually, it is nothing like a red flag. GGG (Dan Savage: Good, giving, game) is all it takes. Your STBX wasn't. It was not your responsibility to have her "teach" you. Being disappointed and not getting in the game with YOU is all on her.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

Thanks for everything so far. I know it would take more effort from her to make things work. I didn't know how someone in my position was viewed. I'll be 37 this year and thought up until recently my wife and I would be able to help each other through this road block we've had. It's not to be I guess. Good to know there are people (women in my case  ) that won't view me with a what's-wrong-with-him type of view.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Your W isn't being nice. Or moral. Or helpful. But I imagine she has a point.

For me, the best thing in bed is a confident man. I like him to be in charge. I like him to do things I'd probably find degrading in real life, like pull my hair and tell me to suck his wanker. Of course I also like him to be sensual and make love to me. I like him to do whatever he wants to do. I want him to "be a man..." (I love that phrase. So much pressure.)

I'm sure there are women who like to be in charge and who would love to teach you. I'd guess there are less of those.

You can learn through experience or you can learn by studying. I'd study. Just by virtue of being a man, sorry, but most women are going to expect you to take charge and know what you're doing. My second all time favorite guy in bed had only been with one girl once and I doubt that was a highly successful experience. He was amazing. So amazing that after a couple years he thought he should take his show on the road. You probably won't do that. But you can be amazing too. Have fun!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

2arebetter said:


> I never turned her down. It was always her turning me down until I lost all confidence to try.


Male here: 

Your STBXWW is a mean-ass cheater. Don't listen to a word she says. She isn't worthy of your time or energy or further emotional investment. All you need to do is find a woman who is kind and with whom you have an easy sexual chemistry with. You and your STBXWW are and probably never were sexually compatible. You should have never married her.

You have the goods a woman wants. All you need is some self confidence, and that is not that hard to obtain. I'm not a great lover by any stretch, but I learned that if I do my best to make a woman feel wanted and safe and I try my best to pay attention to her when we're having sex, it usually turns out well for both of us. I learned through trial and error that you have to pay attention to what is working and what isn't. If something isn't working for her, change it up a bit. I have found that the average woman likes a man who takes charge in bed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

2arebetter said:


> Thanks for everything so far. I know it would take more effort from her to make things work. I didn't know how someone in my position was viewed. I'll be 37 this year and thought up until recently my wife and I would be able to help each other through this road block we've had. It's not to be I guess. Good to know there are people (women in my case  ) that won't view me with a what's-wrong-with-him type of view.


Your STBXWW is the one with the problem, not you. Instead of working together with you to overcome the sexual issues, she chose the coward's way out and gave it up to other men. That has no reflection on you as a man or lover. 

Again, you just need to find a decent woman who wants you and wants to have a great sex life with you. She's out there. Just keep looking.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> For me, the best thing in bed is a confident man. I like him to be in charge. I like him to do things I'd probably find degrading in real life, like pull my hair and tell me to suck his wanker. Of course I also like him to be sensual and make love to me. I like him to do whatever he wants to do. I want him to "be a man..." (I love that phrase. So much pressure.)
> 
> I'm sure there are women who like to be in charge and who would love to teach you. I'd guess there are less of those.
> 
> You can learn through experience or you can learn by studying. I'd study. Just by virtue of being a man, sorry, but most women are going to expect you to take charge and know what you're doing.


Listen to this lady. You'll encounter a lot of this. 

After my divorce, I had only had sex with my XW and I met a ton of women like the above. Those women were not matches for me; as she states above, it was too much pressure. Women don't understand the pressure they put on men to be in charge of the whole sexual experience. For me, unconfident and inexperienced, I just couldn't perform with someone like that.

I needed someone who could guide me. You *will* have trouble finding someone like that. Most women want someone who is already confident in bed. But trust me - it's totally worth it when you DO find someone who is willing to teach and guide you and build up your confidence. Women like that are completely worth searching out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Rent some Rocco Siffredi flicks and watch them. He'll teach you.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Notself said:


> Listen to this lady. You'll encounter a lot of this.
> 
> After my divorce, I had only had sex with my XW and I met a ton of women like the above. Those women were not matches for me; as she states above, it was too much pressure. Women don't understand the pressure they put on men to be in charge of the whole sexual experience. For me, unconfident and inexperienced, I just couldn't perform with someone like that.
> 
> I needed someone who could guide me. You *will* have trouble finding someone like that. Most women want someone who is already confident in bed. But trust me - it's totally worth it when you DO find someone who is willing to teach and guide you and build up your confidence. Women like that are completely worth searching out.


Aw. That's funny. This is what I'm thinking now, not how I've acted my entire sexual life. I put up with mediocre sex from most. I'm sure there are plenty out there just like me. The problem seems to be her itchiness rather than the poor OP's performance. I'm just saying, confidence is key. That's why jerks get lucky. Sad but true


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

What Oldshirt said. Btw I like that moniker..

Anyway, Don't worry about being inexperienced. Do it more often, as much as you can. With her, unless you're worried about STDs. 
It would be good to have as much fooling around with her as possible, trying for everyday frequency. And go out and about in public with her as much as possible, as in every weekend or more. In some cases it's good to "kill'em with kindness" to get things better, or in these cases to see what happens. But, this is key, do these things FOR YOURSELF, knowing things could end anyway. And build yourself up to prepare for the worst. 

Do this as an experiment for yourself. Just DO, don't ask, but treat her as you want her to be. It can't get much worse. If you're going to split, get as much practice and physical enjoyment as possible while she wonders what's happening. You're already hurting. If it's not going to work out, and even if you want to work it out....Do these things for your benefit. And sometimes these actions open doors to work things out in a way you haven't seen yet.

PS don't be abusive in any way but firm in your requests.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> I'm sure there are plenty out there just like me.


Yes, there are. In my experience, there are vastly more women like you than there are women who are willing to be patient sexual teachers.



> I'm just saying, confidence is key. That's why jerks get lucky. Sad but true


Correct, for most women, confidence in a man is everything. With a man like OP, that is not possible yet. If he runs into a woman like you and tries to have sex with her, it will destroy his self-confidence even more which could turn into an anxiety loop. Not good. He needs to find a patient teacher first.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I guess I don't think I really need to be "taught", I just think having someone that's actually open about talking about sex would be a huge step. I know it's not possible to know everything about sex so I'm always open to learning. But I have no way of learning if there's no communication. I could probably get better at reading a partner too, but that was tough too as we were so infrequent as time went on.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

It's a little embarrassing to admit, but it's been over 2 years for me.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

OP, you referred to her as your "STBXW". Are the two of you separated and going through the divorce process? I certainly hope so. There's NO valid excuse, in my opinion, for her to be having sex with others. The only reason she is encouraging you to fool around is so she can have an "excuse" for her infidelity. She thinks your fooling around wouldn't make her look like the bad person she is.

All it takes to learn how to be a better lover is the willingness, drive, ability (erection), and a good woman who knows how to communicate (or can learn). Put her satisfaction before your own. Learn the female anatomy. Read books and watch how-to videos on techniques to please a woman. There's a ton of info out there if you truly want to learn. You'll find that your XWW is not the "norm" for women. Most women are willing to learn, and have a moral compass that will keep them from straying. She wasn't, and doesn't, so that is on her. Good riddance.

One bad woman who wasn't willing to learn with you and stay loyal to her husband shouldn't define who you are as a man or a lover. Don't let her break your confidence. With the right woman you will learn what good sex is, and look back and think of how you wasted your time with your XWW.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> OP, you referred to her as your "STBXW". Are the two of you separated and going through the divorce process? I certainly hope so. There's NO valid excuse, in my opinion, for her to be having sex with others. The only reason she is encouraging you to fool around is so she can have an "excuse" for her infidelity. She thinks your fooling around wouldn't make her look like the bad person she is.
> 
> All it takes to learn how to be a better lover is the willingness, drive, ability (erection), and a good woman who knows how to communicate (or can learn). Put her satisfaction before your own. Learn the female anatomy. Read books and watch how-to videos on techniques to please a woman. There's a ton of info out there if you truly want to learn. You'll find that your XWW is not the "norm" for women. Most women are willing to learn, and have a moral compass that will keep them from straying. She wasn't, and doesn't, so that is on her. Good riddance.
> 
> One bad woman who wasn't willing to learn with you and stay loyal to her husband shouldn't define who you are as a man or a lover. Don't let her break your confidence. With the right woman you will learn what good sex is, and look back and think of how you wasted your time with your XWW.


We haven't filed yet, but it will happen.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Or jump into a sexual encounter knowing you may not be thought of as great, and/or you don't care about a repeat (good if happens but already be planning the next person).
And DON'T LET it bother you how you're thought of afterwards. Like water running off a duck.
"Like a young man thinks".

Remain touching her during the whole encounter. Many women still appreciate the simple things. Other women will take the lead and they'll tell you what to do. That's good too. Don't worry so much.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

gowithuhtred said:


> Or jump into a sexual encounter knowing you may not be thought of as great, and/or you don't care about a repeat (good if happens but already be planning the next person).
> And DON'T LET it bother you how you're thought of afterwards. Like water running off a duck.
> "Like a young man thinks".
> 
> Remain touching her during the whole encounter. Many women still appreciate the simple things. Other women will take the lead and they'll tell you what to do. That's good too. Don't worry so much. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


This is what I hope to get to. I'm hoping I surprise myself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

My husband was a 30 year old virgin. We learned about each other's bodies together. I did not take the role of "teacher" and let our mutual desire and curiosity teach us about each other. If the two of you love each other, are humble and are willing to learn about each other, your sex life can be wonderful.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

sorry, I misunderstood. In that case I don't see it as a problem .



2arebetter said:


> I never turned her down. It was always her turning me down until I lost all confidence to try.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Notself said:


> Listen to this lady. You'll encounter a lot of this.
> 
> After my divorce, I had only had sex with my XW and I met a ton of women like the above. Those women were not matches for me; as she states above, it was too much pressure. Women don't understand the pressure they put on men to be in charge of the whole sexual experience. For me, unconfident and inexperienced, I just couldn't perform with someone like that.
> 
> I needed someone who could guide me. You *will* have trouble finding someone like that. Most women want someone who is already confident in bed. But trust me - it's totally worth it when you DO find someone who is willing to teach and guide you and build up your confidence. Women like that are completely worth searching out.


I think its sad that so many women apparently wont take the time and effort needed in a relationship to help and support and guide, but expect a man to be sexually experienced from the start. For me a man who is loving and generous and unselfish in bed is so important. Also to be in love and committed for me is vital to wanting and enjoying sex. 
Its supposed to be about give and take and support and love, not trying to find someone who is exactly what we want from the start. In my view its not all about us and what we want, people have got so selfish, its about thinking of the other person and what they want and need as well. 
Its up to us as women to build up our partners confidence by what we say and do and how we treat them. We can build up with our words and actions and we can tear down the same way. 

The thought of ending a marriage over this is something foreign to me. Marriage is far far more than one thing.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> My husband was a 30 year old virgin. We learned about each other's bodies together. I did not take the role of "teacher" and let our mutual desire and curiosity teach us about each other. If the two of you love each other, are humble and are willing to learn about each other, your sex life can be wonderful.


OK, but this has nothing to do with OP's dilemma. He's getting back into the dating game, not looking for a lifelong mate yet.



Diana7 said:


> Also to be in love and committed for me is vital to wanting and enjoying sex.


I understand and respect that, but that's not relevant to OP either, except I guess that dating someone who expects a commitment first before going to bed may not be what he's looking for right now. Something else for OP to keep in mind.



> The thought of ending a marriage over this is something foreign to me. Marriage is far far more than one thing.


OP's marriage blew up in part because his wife constantly rejected him, not because he was sexually inexperienced.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I think its sad that so many women apparently wont take the time and effort needed in a relationship to help and support and guide, but expect a man to be sexually experienced from the start. For me a man who is loving and generous and unselfish in bed is so important. Also to be in love and committed for me is vital to wanting and enjoying sex.
> 
> Its supposed to be about give and take and support and love, not trying to find someone who is exactly what we want from the start. In my view its not all about us and what we want, people have got so selfish, its about thinking of the other person and what they want and need as well.
> 
> ...




Absolutely! Agree with Diana 100%!

OT: hello from another Diana 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> My husband was a 30 year old virgin. We learned about each other's bodies together. I did not take the role of "teacher" and let our mutual desire and curiosity teach us about each other. If the two of you love each other, are humble and are willing to learn about each other, your sex life can be wonderful.


Absolutely. That's how a good marriage should be. :smile2:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In any new sexual partner just don't worry "how I'm doing how I'm doing.....", supplemented by the thought you're playing the field the this point, so what's to worry about, every encounter won't transition into a relationship no matter what. That's normal. (Sorry if this is too blunt but over thinking things can be a problem for some folks)


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

gowithuhtred said:


> In any new sexual partner just don't worry "how I'm doing how I'm doing.....", supplemented by the thought you're playing the field the this point, so what's to worry about, every encounter won't transition into a relationship no matter what. That's normal. (Sorry if this is too blunt but over thinking things can be a problem for some folks)


It's called paralysis by analysis.

It never helps.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> The thought of ending a marriage over this is something foreign to me. Marriage is far far more than one thing.


Although this wasn't the only reason my marriage ended, it was a significant part of it, and I've found that people who make comments similar to this usually have a healthy sex life and haven't a clue what being in a sexless marriage is like.

If I'm going to be celibate, I'll be single.

Most emotional, mental and physical support can be found through relationships with friends and family. But if you marry and have a monogamous mindset, then your spouse is the one person on the whole planet who provides sexual intimacy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

minimalME said:


> and I've found that people who make comments similar to this usually have a healthy sex life and haven't a clue what being in a sexless marriage is like.
> 
> If I'm going to be celibate, I'll be single.
> 
> Most emotional, mental and physical support can be found through relationships with friends and family. But if you marry and have a monogamous mindset, then your spouse is the one person on the whole planet who provides sexual intimacy.


All true statements.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> All true statements.




You guys left out dogs! 



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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Not around here it’s not lol.
> You have proven yourself to be an honorable trustworthy man.
> Men like that are in high demand.
> As regards sex,if you can maintain an erection then everything else can be learned.
> Trust me on that.


Andy1001's response gives you the totally wrong impression, and you've already been through it to know that what he said is mostly untrue. You just told us that your own wife told you she isn't interested in teaching you, and that's the way most women are. So, while you I expect you can learn and it's good that you are willing, being taught will be hard to come by for the exact same reason your wife gave - they will be too shy and uncomfortable to teach you. Additionally, women don't want to have to take charge; they want to be taken charge of in bed; they want a man who is in control. Moreover, it's not guaranteed that the women you meet will, themselves, know what to teach you. I know that doesn't quite make sense, but I assure you it's true. They know what feels good and what is satisfying but if it isn't, then they normally can't tell you how to get there.

Women learn from men about their own bodies and what pleases them. Men learn from women how to please a woman, but my experience is that those who are willing to do the teaching are older women. I've been with some real duds in bed and some who were quite-very good. With the exception of one guy who actually learned from reading books, the guys who were good told me they were taught by a woman who was considerably older than them. So that may be a route for you to consider because young women, again, are usually too shy, uncomfortable, less likely to want to take charge, and are not experienced themselves enough to know how to direct you.

You stated:
_"Without rambling on any more; I'm done being shy about sex and think it should be talked about openly among partners. is it seriously unattractive to have a man that has only had one partner?"_

Andy1001 was misleading about this too. While it is admirable and virtuous to be innocent, the first thing I would think is you don't know what you're doing and I wouldn't be willing to teach you. Indeed, I dated a guy just like you. I liked him and he was good to me, but I wasn't interested in going to bed with him. I expected he wouldn't do it well, and I also didn't want to feel like anybody's experiment. I was too shy for that and didn't have the patience. I knew I wasn't the girl for him. Therefore, I can't help thinking that it would be unattractive to some women. 

And I'm sure you know girls talk about the guys they date, and friends and I both have mentioned things like "he has no skills" or "he's not GIB" and other such references just like we mentioned when a guy did have skills and was good in bed. So believe me we notice.

You're no longer shy about sex, but the thing to know is that a guy who has confidence is a knowledgeable guy. If he's not knowledgeable, then he's not confident in bed. Of course, there are those who are clueless and useless in bed but think they own the sheets. So understand this, your prowess in the bedroom is directly related to the amount of respect that you garner from a woman. If you're no good and don't have confidence, it is difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to respect you.

So all that boils down to you having to get yourself some skills. To start you out, I gave some pointers to a member here. I think it starts around the 6th or 7th paragraph and hope it helps you out. Other than that, there are millions of articles on the internet, there are books, and there are videos. Spend the time building your knowledge base and your confidence.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You're no longer shy about sex, but the thing to know is that a guy who has confidence is a knowledgeable guy. If he's not knowledgeable, then he's not confident in bed. Of course, there are those who are clueless and useless in bed but think they own the sheets. So understand this, your prowess in the bedroom is directly related to the amount of respect that you garner from a woman. If you're no good and don't have confidence, it is difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to respect you.
> 
> So all that boils down to you having to get yourself some skills. .


The Truth !!!!!

Walk before you run. Learn to get some self confidence in all walks of life before thinking that bedroom confidence is the only issue.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

StarFires said:


> Andy1001's response gives you the totally wrong impression, and you've already been through it to know that what he said is mostly untrue. You just told us that your own wife told you she isn't interested in teaching you, and that's the way most women are. So, while you I expect you can learn and it's good that you are willing, being taught will be hard to come by for the exact same reason your wife gave - they will be too shy and uncomfortable to teach you. Additionally, women don't want to have to take charge; they want to be taken charge of in bed; they want a man who is in control. Moreover, it's not guaranteed that the women you meet will, themselves, know what to teach you. I know that doesn't quite make sense, but I assure you it's true. They know what feels good and what is satisfying but if it isn't, then they normally can't tell you how to get there.
> 
> Women learn from men about their own bodies and what pleases them. Men learn from women how to please a woman, but my experience is that those who are willing to do the teaching are older women. I've been with some real duds in bed and some who were quite-very good. With the exception of one guy who actually learned from reading books, the guys who were good told me they were taught by a woman who was considerably older than them. So that may be a route for you to consider because young women, again, are usually too shy, uncomfortable, less likely to want to take charge, and are not experienced themselves enough to know how to direct you.
> 
> ...


You come across as rude,condescending and dismissive. And you know nothing about a modern woman’s attitude to sex.
This is an advice forum,we try and help people here,build up their confidence and try and help them realize that every partner is not a cheating,emasculating ***** like his stbxw.
You seem to do nothing but quote statistics judging by your comments on other threads.
If you have any genuine suggestions to help this or any other poster,without providing links to whatever statistics du jour you are using to try and prove your point then I for one would be interested in hearing them.
You learn to be a better lover by having sex.
From your posts on various threads I wonder have you ever had a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship or did you lie back and “think of England”.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

This thread seems to have turned into a question of if I'm any good in bed (I'll make no claims on that). I don't think this is entirely what I'm worried about though. 

Before we were married we had more sex and I always thought she enjoyed it. She would never say or let on that she was looking for anything else. I know there was more to go though since she told me she had never climaxed during penetration. I asked her about her using her vibrator during sex or trying something else new but she always shot it down. I think this might have given me a bit of a performance anxiety issue and a bit of what Yeti said. I DESPERATELY wanted to find a way for my wife to enjoy sex more, but it never happened. I don't know exactly but I think it was a combination of having kids and my lack of trying (after being shot down) that led us to a sexless marriage. I know I'm partly responsible for this since I had a pretty fragile little-me ego and, before recently, chalked up our lack of sex issues as just something that happens to young parents.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

2arebetter said:


> This thread seems to have turned into a question of if I'm any good in bed (I'll make no claims on that). I don't think this is entirely what I'm worried about though.
> 
> Before we were married we had more sex and I always thought she enjoyed it. She would never say or let on that she was looking for anything else. I know there was more to go though since she told me she had never climaxed during penetration. I asked her about her using her vibrator during sex or trying something else new but she always shot it down. I think this might have given me a bit of a performance anxiety issue and a bit of what Yeti said. I DESPERATELY wanted to find a way for my wife to enjoy sex more, but it never happened. I don't know exactly but I think it was a combination of having kids and my lack of trying (after being shot down) that led us to a sexless marriage. I know I'm partly responsible for this since I had a pretty fragile little-me ego and, before recently, chalked up our lack of sex issues as just something that happens to young parents.


My dear, you are incredibly confused, you're not listening, and you haven't really expressed what it is you ARE looking for if the responses didn't address your question. I, for one, didn't specifically say "Yes, a man with little sexual experience is a red flag." But, from my response, you should have inferred the affirmative in every possible way, or that at least it CAN be a red flag. I told you why and showed you how to remedy that, so why didn't that answer your question? And since you feel it didn't, then what specifically are you looking for? Perhaps rephrase your question so you get those specific answers. 

And I think you are confused because you told us in every which way your wife let you know you're no good in bed, and being no good in bed doesn't matter to you? You blame your sexless marriage on your lack of trying to have sex due to low self esteem. But you wouldn't have had that problem if you pleased your wife in bed. So what gives here? Or is it that you refuse to listen and learn anything? Because you sure didn't listen to her.

Just one more tidbit food for thought, please don't ask a woman to use her vibrator during sex. Some thing should be arrived at naturally, or you can ask her if YOU can use the vibrator.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

StarFires said:


> My dear, you are incredibly confused, you're not listening, and you haven't really expressed what it is you ARE looking for if the responses didn't address your question. I, for one, didn't specifically say "Yes, a man with little sexual experience is a red flag." But, from my response, you should have inferred the affirmative in every possible way, or that at least it CAN be a red flag. I told you why and showed you how to remedy that, so why didn't that answer your question? And since you feel it didn't, then what specifically are you looking for? Perhaps rephrase your question so you get those specific answers.
> 
> And I think you are confused because you told us in every which way your wife let you know you're no good in bed, *and being no good in bed doesn't matter to you?* You blame your sexless marriage on your lack of trying to have sex due to low self esteem. But you wouldn't have had that problem if you pleased your wife in bed. So what gives here? *Or is it that you refuse to listen and learn anything? *Because you sure didn't listen to her.
> 
> Just one more tidbit food for thought, please don't ask a woman to use her vibrator during sex. Some thing should be arrived at naturally, or you can ask her if YOU can use the vibrator.


I think this characterization is entirely unfair.



2arebetter said:


> This thread seems to have turned into a question of if I'm any good in bed (I'll make no claims on that). I don't think this is entirely what I'm worried about though.
> 
> Before we were married we had more sex and I always thought she enjoyed it. *She would never say or let on that she was looking for anything else. *I know there was more to go though since she told me she had never climaxed during penetration. I asked her about her using her vibrator during sex or trying something else new but she always shot it down. I think this might have given me a bit of a performance anxiety issue and a bit of what Yeti said. *I DESPERATELY wanted to find a way for my wife to enjoy sex more, *but it never happened. I don't know exactly but I think it was a combination of having kids and my lack of trying (after being shot down) that led us to a sexless marriage. I know I'm partly responsible for this since I had a pretty fragile little-me ego and, before recently, chalked up our lack of sex issues as just something that happens to young parents.


OP seems concerned, and to have been concerned for some time as indicated above, and in other posts throughout this thread. But he can't do it alone. It's a partnership. Even the most tried and true tools, techniques and tips are worthless on some because ever woman reacts differently to certain things. It's be great if we were all perfectly matched from the get-go and knew exactly how to push each other's buttons, but this is the real world and it doesn't always work that way. That's where love, patience... and the fun and joy of mutual exploration come in. It doesn't sound like both partners are working at this, though.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Come to think of it, quite a few women do see it as a red flag. They go "why hasn't he had experience?" the same way being single itself, can be a red flag for many women.

Best way to deal with it is simply give them an answer to their question before their imagination goes wild with all sorts of possibilities, potentially negative. Simply let them know that intimacy is sacred to you, that you only want to share it with someone special.

There was a guy I used to know who was hot but didn't sleep around too, lots of girls always trying to pick him up. He rejected them all, sticking to his guns, and they still wanted him badly. That can be a plus as well, as some women would also prefer a guy who hasn't slept around much just like some men do. To each their own. Just be yourself and be proud of it and be confident.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I think this characterization is entirely unfair.
> 
> 
> 
> OP seems concerned, and to have been concerned for some time as indicated above, and in other posts throughout this thread. But he can't do it alone. It's a partnership. Even the most tried and true tools, techniques and tips are worthless on some because ever woman reacts differently to certain things. It's be great if we were all perfectly matched from the get-go and knew exactly how to push each other's buttons, but this is the real world and it doesn't always work that way. That's where love, patience... and the fun and joy of mutual exploration come in. It doesn't sound like both partners are working at this, though.


Ahhh so here we are, Yeti - your point of contention in my posts you promised you would find for us argue about.

I so looked forward to it, but I'm sorry I don't find this a worthy one and wish you had tarried to find something more challenging and more edifying for both of us. But here it is, as it were.....

You're right. It's a partnership. But that doesn't dismiss anything I said because I explained it all on this post and many others that you were sure to let me know you noticed. Not liking the truth doesn't change the truth, and not accepting the truth doesn't solve any problems. It may well be that tried and true methods don't work on every woman, but they don't work on ANY woman if they are not tried at all. So, while you chose to correct me on that point that I've mentioned many times before, this wasn't the thread to do it since this member hasn't tried any of them....or anything else for that matter. He confessed in his last reply that he simply gave up. So what was your reason for pointing this out to me except to try to make me wrong in my premise in general? And what purpose did you intend to serve for it to end up so ineffectual?

Where mutual exploration that you mentioned is concerned, I've addressed that too in several different ways. I cannot disagree with you on that point, but, again, the truth is the truth, and your assertion of ideal world mentality really isn't helpful and, as I said, doesn't dismiss what I said. I explained to him here and linked to where I explained further, in addition to suggesting he seek out other resources for how to push each other's buttons, so how is that anything to indicate is useless misinformation? I simply point out the obvious and the facts in effort to be helpful. You trying to make me wrong is what is not helpful because being a guy, other guys are more apt to listen to you, when they should be listening to a woman in the matters of how to please women and how most women generally feel. But instead, they will, no doubt, applaud you for coming down on me for the sake of crowd pleasing. But I don't know how many times is necessary for me to reiterate, it simply isn't helpful. You dismiss what I say, and then they dismiss what I say. So why aren't their complaints of low-no sex life taken into consideration when all I'm trying to do is help them, and women, see that they can have a better, more enriching, and more frequent sex life? I was trying to help this guy know that he needs to build his confidence and build his sexual repertoire so he can become more successful in maintaining relationships for the long term. Was that really all that terrible?

No, Yeti, I wasn't being unfair to 2arebetter. He's either not listening or he didn't express himself well in his original inquiry. Or, he tried to change the subject altogether so he can bury his head and not deal with his issues like he did in his marriage that is now ended.

Like I said, I'm really disappointed in this being your choice for our engagement, but I still hold hope for future ones and really, really hope we will be able engage each other on a truly challenging and more cogent basis and subject. It would even be nice if we can come to such a meeting of the minds to become mutually formidable forces in our efforts in helping others to learn and grow, as well as for our own mutual edification.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Based on my own personal experience with my husband, we were both virgins. We got good at pleasing each other and enjoying each other very quickly. I would rather that he only knew me; what I liked and wanted; rather than a bunch of other women who he learned various tricks and such from. The sexual experience is deeply personal to the couple involved. If you are making love to a woman rather than trying to hit this button or that zone, you will do fine. 

Like anything else in life, we all have our preferences and it takes a relationship with a person to know what their preferences are. If your focus is on being attentive to a woman and building a safe, secure relationship, she will bloom under your attention, same as you will with her doing the same with you. If you communicate and learn about each other, you will learn what she likes and she will learn what you like. Don't over analyze things or turn the relationship into a Q & A session, but get to know her.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

StarFires said:


> Ahhh so here we are, Yeti - your point of contention in my posts you promised you would find for us argue about.
> 
> I so looked forward to it, but I'm sorry I don't find this a worthy one and wish you had tarried to find something more challenging and more edifying for both of us. But here it is, as it were.....
> 
> ...


Well, you seem to place a lot of emphasis on "the truth being the truth," but you have made false assumptions about what "the truth" actually is. 

You seem to assert that the ground truth here is that the guy hasn't even tried. But the only evidence of that that you hang your hat on is "He confessed in his last reply that he simply gave up." But what makes you think he hadn't tried, and tried long and hard before he gave up. This is not an unusual story as many a man has eventually give up. Some do it out of laziness or lack of caring, others do it only after years of being beaten down and rejected, when it's clear they're not going to get anywhere anyway. 

What evidence have you that this man is one of the former rather than one of the latter?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Well, you seem to place a lot of emphasis on "the truth being the truth," but you have made false assumptions about what "the truth" actually is.
> 
> You seem to assert that the ground truth here is that the guy hasn't even tried. But the only evidence of that that you hang your hat on is "He confessed in his last reply that he simply gave up." But what makes you think he hadn't tried, and tried long and hard before he gave up. This is not an unusual story as many a man has eventually give up. Some do it out of laziness or lack of caring, others do it only after years of being beaten down and rejected, when it's clear they're not going to get anywhere anyway.
> 
> What evidence have you that this man is one of the former rather than one of the latter?


Again, you just want to argue and that's too bad. So much for my last paragraph, completely shot to hell.

But okay, although you again nitpicked a fight, I will address it to correct you that I made any assumptions because I made none whatsoever. He did, indeed, say he tried, so where did I suggest he didn't? I said he buried his head and gave up but with no assumption and no reference about the amount or length of his efforts. It doesn't matter how long or how hard he tried because he told us umpteen different ways he is too inexperienced to know what he's doing, that he doesn't have much self esteem, and he lost his wife because of it. His wife also told him, and she rejected his feeble attempts (attempts I addressed were inadequate and also explained why they were inadequate). So what else do you think was required?

Nevermind, don't answer that because I'm not interested, and I won't be engaged any further by you. So say what you will whenever you please, but you won't get any response from me. People can take it however they want. I didn't come here for someone to follow me around the board making sure they find something to pick silly arguments about. But I warn you to remain civil because if you attack me, I will report you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

StarFires said:


> Again, you just want to argue and that's too bad. So much for my last paragraph, completely shot to hell.
> 
> But okay, although you again nitpicked a fight, I will address it to correct you that I made any assumptions because I made none whatsoever. He did, indeed, say he tried, so where did I suggest he didn't? I said he buried his head and gave up but with no assumption and no reference about the amount or length of his efforts. It doesn't matter how long or how hard he tried because he told us umpteen different ways he is too inexperienced to know what he's doing, that he doesn't have much self esteem, and he lost his wife because of it. His wife also told him, and she rejected his feeble attempts (attempts I addressed were inadequate and also explained why they were inadequate). So what else do you think was required?
> 
> Nevermind, don't answer that because I'm not interested, and I won't be engaged any further by you. So say what you will whenever you please, but you won't get any response from me. People can take it however they want. I didn't come here for someone to follow me around the board making sure they find something to pick silly arguments about. But I warn you to remain civil because if you attack me, I will report you.


Do you look for engagement, but then dismiss it when it comes. How delightful. You come on with all these very strong, absolutist positions, levying harsh condemnation, but without equality substantive fact or analysis to back it up. Then when someone disagrees, you run away and threaten to go cry to mommy. I expected more from someone who knows if all and is so bold as to say do. Oh? Is that uncivil? Report away! 

To keep this on topic, What you call nitpicking, I see as a crux issue here. If OP had given up without trying, you might have a leg to stand on with your brutal treatment of him. The things, he wasn’t born with this low self esteem... it is the natural result of repeated rejection. Is he just plain bad in bed? Maybe... that’s something else we just don’t know for sure... maybe his wife just doesn’t respond. But even if he is bad, if his wife actually loved him and was attracted to him, she’d happily work with him to make things better. 

Like most relationship issues, this is a two way street here and both parties need to engage honesty, openly, and empathetically. You’re hellbent on just doling out blame and making this strictly a one way street, which is not helpful to anyone,


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some women may enjoy the teaching role with a sex partner, but most don't. Myself personally I'm always ready and willing to teach a new partner how my specific body works and what it needs, but I can't teach someone how to have what I want in general from a man. That much has to be there already. Some people are more sexual than others so what we want in a partner is different. I need a man who is extremely lusty and always wants his hands on me (even when not in the bedroom or even headed there). But some women don't want to be sought after like that all the time and it turns them off, and some men just aren't that touchy-grabby. So when I'm feeling out someone new, I ask questions to see if they have the kind of energy I'm looking for and I'm open to lots of questions from them too because I know they are also sizing me up the same way. 

Lack of experience or even confidence wouldn't matter to me if there is a lot of chemistry and a natural good physical connection. This can usually be determined by the first or second date (or at least there's a good hint of it.) I've found that with people I have good chemistry and physical connection with tend to be great lovers for me, even if they wouldn't be a great lover with someone else. My last boyfriend and I had chemistry and physical connection through the roof even though generally speaking, I know for many women he wouldn't turn their crank. And if he and I had not had such great chemistry the sex we had would not have been good even if technically it was the same exact sex.

Chemistry lets my body know there's a chance here for a good physical connection. Then if my body and his body touch or kiss I can feel where it's going to go. It's like my body either falls "in love" with their body or it doesn't at that point. Something I can't predict just based on liking a guy or being attracted to him. My body tells me whether there's a match or not.

Had a coffee date with a guy last weekend. All the boxes were checked for what seemed like a great match between us. Both were attracted to each other based on profiles and life circumstances. Met him, within 5 minutes knew there was no chemistry. He knew it too. Had a pleasant discussion, a quick hug at the end, an it was nice meeting you text after, and no contact by either of us since. Very easy to know when it's not there.

Guys sometimes confuse being horny and attracted to someone for chemistry. That's not what chemistry is. It's either mutual or it isn't there. The guy I had the date with was smart enough not to think that just because I may have turned him on, it did not mean we had chemistry. I'm always appreciative when a man doesn't pursue a second date when there was no chemistry, it makes me know that he's looking for something mutual, and that he understands when it isn't there.

The best place to start would be to tune into those you have chemistry with and those you don't, to feel your way through that part so you won't bother pursuing those you have no chemistry with. Just testing it out a little will help you develop that type of radar. Again, it's not the same as feeling "oh she's hot I'd tap that". It's not the feeling of being horny or arousal, which is biological and can occur without a subject of your desire. It's more like a feeling of curiosity about that person that is obviously also feeling it toward you. Curiosity isn't the right word but it's very difficult to describe so that's the best I can do. Anyway, always start with strong chemistry and you'll have a better chance at a good sexual connection.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I don't mean to discredit anyone's opinion. I may not be clear on what I want out of this I guess. I'm still a bit confused as to how everything went so wrong in my marriage in the first place. I very well may be bad in bed. I guess I don't know. I've only had one women to judge and she never honestly given much effort to communicating if something was bad. She just gave up and looked elsewhere. I think maybe it's that that has me wondering if at my age (36) women are expecting someone more experienced right from the get go. I'm pretty perceptive and I genuinely like to put others around me's needs above mine. Given the "right" woman I think I have what it takes to be a fulfilling partner. But, is it common for women to think like my wife? I know I'm looking for something different out of a woman. Is it hard to find? 

I'm not offended by anyone's criticisms since they might be right. And if it works for someone, it works. Don't take this the wrong way StarFire, but you sort of give me the impression that you have standards like my wife. I'm not suggesting you'd go to her level of marital disrespect. But you've said pretty plainly that you expect something from your man without necessarily communicating it if he's a little off course. That's fine if it works. If it didn't work, would you break things off? If you had a good life with a loving man and all you had to do was have more open communication (I don't mean sitting down and having talks), would you do it?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

2arebetter said:


> I don't mean to discredit anyone's opinion. I may not be clear on what I want out of this I guess. I'm still a bit confused as to how everything went so wrong in my marriage in the first place. I very well may be bad in bed. I guess I don't know. I've only had one women to judge and she never honestly given much effort to communicating if something was bad. She just gave up and looked elsewhere. I think maybe it's that that has me wondering if at my age (36) women are expecting someone more experienced right from the get go. I'm pretty perceptive and I genuinely like to put others around me's needs above mine. Given the "right" woman I think I have what it takes to be a fulfilling partner. But, is it common for women to think like my wife? I know I'm looking for something different out of a woman. Is it hard to find?
> 
> I'm not offended by anyone's criticisms since they might be right. And if it works for someone, it works. Don't take this the wrong way StarFire, but you sort of give me the impression that you have standards like my wife. I'm not suggesting you'd go to her level of marital disrespect. But you've said pretty plainly that you expect something from your man without necessarily communicating it if he's a little off course. That's fine if it works. If it didn't work, would you break things off? If you had a good life with a loving man and all you had to do was have more open communication (I don't mean sitting down and having talks), would you do it?


I rather expected you were younger, but yes, women do expect a man to be more experienced than not experienced at 36 years old. However, I'm thinking maybe you take things a little more literally than they were intended. You're translating my general statements of me saying "most" or "many" as meaning all women, when it doesn't mean all. You're also thinking my general references refer to me personally, when my intent was to point out how we women feel in general. I didn't say I expected exacting standards nor do other women. I was saying there needs to be a basis of knowledge gained from experience because women don't like teaching. So, that is to say a woman doesn't want to have to teach everything. It doesn't mean she won't communicate anything. Any woman WOULD say "I like this" or "I don't like that" or "Let's try such and such." But she wouldn't want to have to spell it out or walk you through the machinations. She needs you to have the basics and to be intuitive to a large degree. And she needs you to be confident. 

I think those are the reasons your wife suggested you sleep with other women. She was trying to tell you that you don't have the basics down and you're not confident. I know people gave you other reasons for her saying that, but I disagree with them. I don't doubt it was hurtful, and I agree that she's a rat's arse for cheating on you. There are better ways to handle the problems in a marriage and the bedroom. I'm just saying her likely reason for telling you that is that it was in large part to let you know that she needs more and most women do, albeit there are some who will be willing to help you along at the extent that you need help, but she isn't. With more experience comes knowledge and confidence, and you'd probably learn some techniques. All of this is the reason I pointed out that knowing some techniques will be useful and directed you to some that I wrote previously, and suggested you search for more. 

The bottom line is that you can't expect everything to be communicated to you, although, yes, women are willing to communicate. And that includes me to answer your question. I spent 2 and half years doing that with a guy before. But if you are clueless, women will be turned off. We don't want to have to clue you in, and I fear that's what you mean when you keep referring to talking and communicating.

To give you an example, a few days ago I read a guy saying he asked his girlfriend "Are you cumming?" He didn't know that in that moment of passion and ecstacy that he caused her an instantaneous mental whiplash. If she were about to cum, he totally blew her orgasm by whisking her back to earth to focus on his question and fomulate the response. He admitted it was his own insecurities that caused him to ask her the question. Okay, so that was an innocent enough mistake, and he now knows not to do it, and they can proceed to enjoy what is otherwise their mutually fulfilling sex life. 

If you are not tuned in to your woman and not much attuned to the things TO DO or any of the things NOT to do, then that means you're clueless. So, if it's all these types of basics that you want communicated to you, I really don't think you're going to get them from one woman, and if a woman suspects you of trying to extract these types of basics from her, you will effectively deflate her favorable esteem. I think this is what your wife was trying to convey - that she doesn't want to have to communicate to you because maybe it's just too much that you expected from her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

StarFires said:


> But I warn you to remain civil because if you attack me, I will report you.


WTF is this? Kindergarden? "I'm going to report you?" :rofl:

DEAL WITH IT LIKE ADULTS



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Do you look for engagement, but then dismiss it when it comes. How delightful. You come on with all these very strong, absolutist positions, levying harsh condemnation, but without equality substantive fact or analysis to back it up. Then when someone disagrees, you run away and threaten to go cry to mommy. I expected more from someone who knows if all and is so bold as to say do. Oh? Is that uncivil? Report away!


Hahaha agreed, I really don't know what all the drama is about. But WTF lol


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

2arebetter said:


> I don't mean to discredit anyone's opinion. I may not be clear on what I want out of this I guess. I'm still a bit confused as to how everything went so wrong in my marriage in the first place. I very well may be bad in bed. I guess I don't know. I've only had one women to judge and she never honestly given much effort to communicating if something was bad. She just gave up and looked elsewhere. I think maybe it's that that has me wondering if at my age (36) women are expecting someone more experienced right from the get go. I'm pretty perceptive and I genuinely like to put others around me's needs above mine. Given the "right" woman I think I have what it takes to be a fulfilling partner. But, is it common for women to think like my wife? I know I'm looking for something different out of a woman. Is it hard to find?
> 
> I'm not offended by anyone's criticisms since they might be right. And if it works for someone, it works. Don't take this the wrong way StarFire, but you sort of give me the impression that you have standards like my wife. I'm not suggesting you'd go to her level of marital disrespect. But you've said pretty plainly that you expect something from your man without necessarily communicating it if he's a little off course. That's fine if it works. If it didn't work, would you break things off? If you had a good life with a loving man and all you had to do was have more open communication (I don't mean sitting down and having talks), would you do it?


Buddy you do not have to take mine or anybody else’s advice on this forum.But for your own peace of mind please do not pay any heed to starfires.She reminds me of the worst type of ballbreaker.
She can’t give advice without putting the person she is advising down,like a bad school teacher who instead of inspiring children to learn,she likes to make them feel stupid.
Listen to her at your peril.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

2arebetter said:


> I don't mean to discredit anyone's opinion. I may not be clear on what I want out of this I guess. I'm still a bit confused as to how everything went so wrong in my marriage in the first place. I very well may be bad in bed. I guess I don't know. I've only had one women to judge and she never honestly given much effort to communicating if something was bad. She just gave up and looked elsewhere. I think maybe it's that that has me wondering if at my age (36) women are expecting someone more experienced right from the get go. I'm pretty perceptive and I genuinely like to put others around me's needs above mine. Given the "right" woman I think I have what it takes to be a fulfilling partner. But, is it common for women to think like my wife? I know I'm looking for something different out of a woman. Is it hard to find?


Not hard to find at all. Starfries did make a good point that there ARE women out there who are judgemental, they expect the man to know and do everything and do not take responsibility for their own ineffective communication skills, for those you simply have to make the first move in terms of communication, playfully tease them and watch their response, read their bodies, their eyes, follow your instincts. Asking "am I doing it right" all the time is - yes - a turn off. 

However, I'm not sure I agree with Starfries' solution to just go ahead and think you know what you are doing, as from my experience, each new women was always a new experience. Similarities sure but not one shoe fits all.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> I don't mean to discredit anyone's opinion. I may not be clear on what I want out of this I guess. I'm still a bit confused as to how everything went so wrong in my marriage in the first place. I very well may be bad in bed. I guess I don't know. I've only had one women to judge and she never honestly given much effort to communicating if something was bad. She just gave up and looked elsewhere. I think maybe it's that that has me wondering if at my age (36) women are expecting someone more experienced right from the get go. I'm pretty perceptive and I genuinely like to put others around me's needs above mine. Given the "right" woman I think I have what it takes to be a fulfilling partner. But, is it common for women to think like my wife? I know I'm looking for something different out of a woman. Is it hard to find?
> 
> I'm not offended by anyone's criticisms since they might be right. And if it works for someone, it works. Don't take this the wrong way StarFire, but you sort of give me the impression that you have standards like my wife. I'm not suggesting you'd go to her level of marital disrespect. But you've said pretty plainly that you expect something from your man without necessarily communicating it if he's a little off course. That's fine if it works. If it didn't work, would you break things off? If you had a good life with a loving man and all you had to do was have more open communication (I don't mean sitting down and having talks), would you do it?


Sweet OP, I think I see the problem here. I too was in a sexless marriage after kids. For a very long time, 27 years. You can read about its tragic end somewhere here if you like but the gist of it was he was going for much younger women on BSDM websites and doing sexting/photo swapping with whoever. I'm a decently attractive woman in midlife and am lovely in bed - but he told me he didn't find me sexually attractive anymore... leading me for some reason to believe that all men want younger women and I'm not attractive anymore.

You may be part of the problem but your wife's attitude is more of the problem. You are fine. No, women will not mind that you haven't slept around. Women will be happy that you're a loving man. Your woman doesn't represent every woman. You will realize this when you start dating again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Special message for @2arebetter "Your wife is a heartless cheater who cut you off from sex because she was getting enough sexual attention from her lovers and she did not care about your sexual needs at all." END OF MESSAGE.*

Anyone talking about your sexual prowess, whether or not lack of sexual experience is a "red flag" seems to have ignored the fact that your wife has cheated on you with multiple affair partners.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

2arebetter said:


> I don't mean to discredit anyone's opinion. I may not be clear on what I want out of this I guess. I'm still a bit confused as to how everything went so wrong in my marriage in the first place. I very well may be bad in bed. I guess I don't know. I've only had one women to judge and she never honestly given much effort to communicating if something was bad. She just gave up and looked elsewhere. I think maybe it's that that has me wondering if at my age (36) women are expecting someone more experienced right from the get go. I'm pretty perceptive and I genuinely like to put others around me's needs above mine. Given the "right" woman I think I have what it takes to be a fulfilling partner. But, is it common for women to think like my wife? I know I'm looking for something different out of a woman. Is it hard to find?
> 
> I'm not offended by anyone's criticisms since they might be right. And if it works for someone, it works. Don't take this the wrong way StarFire, but you sort of give me the impression that you have standards like my wife. I'm not suggesting you'd go to her level of marital disrespect. But you've said pretty plainly that you expect something from your man without necessarily communicating it if he's a little off course. That's fine if it works. If it didn't work, would you break things off? If you had a good life with a loving man and all you had to do was have more open communication (I don't mean sitting down and having talks), would you do it?


2arebetter here is the problem:

Your wife.

She is the problem. Not you. She is a lying, manipulative blame-shifting, attention-junkie cheater. She's a lowdown snake in the grass. That is all you need to know now and all you ever need to know about her. Cheaters don't have fulfilling sex lives with their partners because they are never satisfied with what any one single partner will do for them. You could have been the best-hung stud in the universe, and your nasty ass wife would have still cheated on you eventually. IT WAS NOT YOU! 

Take that truth and roll with it. Every man has his strengths. Identify those strengths and go forwards with confidence in all you do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> 2arebetter here is the problem:
> 
> Your wife.
> 
> ...


This ^^^^^^


Since you were devoted to your X, you thought she was all-knowing and all-good and since she was screwing other people and giving you the cold shoulder you deduced that you were somehow inadequate. 

that is a false and erroneous deduction. It is not that you were an inadequate lover or husband - it is that she is an inadequate and unworthy wife and lover. 

In other words, she sucks. 

I urge you to check out the Chumplady website and even share your story there. They have a mantra that I think sums this up very well and that mantra is - "Trust that they suck."

Your confidence is shaken because you think she was OK and since she cheated and left, that there must be something inadequate about you. 

But that is false, you were a dedicated, faithful and loving husband. The truth is she sucks and she is a cheating ho. 

Once you trust that she sucks and accept that she is inadequate and a not a good person, you will have confidence in yourself that you are a good person and a good husband and good lover. 

Trust that she sucks.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

2arebetter, Faithful Wife topic of chemistry is a major factor for many women. If it is there, the relationship goes better, including the sex.

Kids, jobs, money issues can kill the chemistry and then dedication and respect have to keep the relationship going.

As far as some confidence, that needs to be in place. I think Starfire is right to say that most women want the guy to be incharge and want a guy to be able to sense what is working or not working. I think a list of "experience" isn't that important as long as you can read her clues and responses. 

In my case being apprehensive about what I might be doing wrong or not that good at reading her responses lead to my sexless marriage. I think guys that don't want to be a user or a jerk worry too much about doing something the W wont like, so in effect they shoot them-self (the guy) in the foot and that is when things start to go down hill after several years of being too concerned, "is she getting there or whatever.


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