# He cheated and i don't think i can ever forget or forgive



## brokenlefty (Aug 8, 2013)

I'll try to make a short story of this... 
My husband had a bit of a breakdown about 10 days before our 10 year anniversary. Wasn't sure if he wanted to stay with me or not because he is depressed and didn't want to drag me down. I told him if he still loves me then we'll get through it together.
After about a month of not too much communication and zero physical contact, I checked his phone to see if he'd talked to his friends about how he was doing. (I know, I snooped and I'd feel bad if I hadn't...) Found out he'd been having an affair with a gal (one of his drinking buddies who I knew about) for maybe 3 months. The word 'love' was tossed around and there were pictures and pet names. From what I could gather, it sounded like she'd asked him to move to New York with her. He said he'd made his decision and at about this time she started sending texts saying that this was a mistake. He kept sending her texts trying to talk to her and pleading with her.
I confronted him about this and he tried to tell me it meant nothing and that he was drunk which is why he'd recently quit drinking.
It seems like he had his breakdown shortly before or after her not responding to his texts.
I told him I want a divorce because I deserve better and if he's not happy, then he deserves better, too.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I always said if anyone ever cheated on me, that would be it, end of the relationship. And if this affair had been purely physical, I might be able to get past it. but he told her he loved her and I think he was going to leave me for her. But I'm sad and confused. I still love him and I miss him (or at least the person he used to be). I may just be confusing my ideal of him with who he is.
Anyone else ever been in this situation? How did you handle it? Advice and thoughts MUCH appreciated. Thanks! PS, we have no kids.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Step 1 get tested for STDs- protect your health.

Speak to a lawyer asap. If you want a D- proceed.

The process of D- sucks. No way to sugar coat it.

However, it is an opportunity to rebuild your life minus the cheating spouse and you can get through it.

In my case R was not an option. My wife was not remorseful at all.

It sounds like your H is feeding you BS and lies. Don't fall for it.

If you want to R, he needs to come clean and show remorse.

Read up on the 180 and do it for yourself.

Take care of yourself, stay active.

Best of luck
WD


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, read this too....The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Already posted this on your other thread...

No kids? Easy decision. Get out. Check out these articles by Chumplady. In fact, check out her entire site.

I just discovered I was cheated on. Now what?

What NOT to do


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

brokenlefty said:


> I told him I want a divorce because I deserve better and if he's not happy, then he deserves better, too.
> I'm not sure where to go from here. I always said if anyone ever cheated on me, that would be it, end of the relationship. And if this affair had been purely physical, I might be able to get past it. but he told her he loved her and I think he was going to leave me for her. But I'm sad and confused. I still love him and I miss him (or at least the person he used to be). I may just be confusing my ideal of him with who he is.
> we have no kids.


This should give you your answer.


----------



## brokenlefty (Aug 8, 2013)

Thanks, Everyone!! The support is very helpful. I moved my stuff into my friend's spare room last night (unfortunately this is in the same apt. building. H wants to keep apt. and I just wanted away from him). He sounded like he wanted to talk but had nothing to say. This is the right decision for me and I know I'll ultimately be happier. Gah! STD testing! hadn't even occurred to me. Thanks for the pointers!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you have made up your mind. Hope it goes well.


----------



## lindaxak (Aug 9, 2013)

Get out. Check out these articles by Chumplady.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hold that thought! I deserve better!


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Good luck and stay strong... isn't it wonderful when we realise we're worth more than we're getting.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thank god you found out about this now and not years down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokenlefty (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt- gotta be thankful for the little things, eh? Also, your icon made me smile. =)


----------



## brokenlefty (Aug 8, 2013)

Elegirl, Lindaxak, Remains and Waiwera- yes, i made up my mind to get a divorce. I deserve better and I'll keep telling myself that. Thanks so much for your support!


----------



## molly34 (Aug 11, 2013)

I'm going thrum the same thing my husband cheated on me. I'm confused. He ended it by force. I changed his phone number and packed his things. And he told me what he wanted me to know. I'm not sure whatl to do... I wish you luck.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Good for you, leave him now while you don't have children. He WAS going to leave you for her, but she changed her mind. You would be having her leftovers. You do deserve better, to be the first and only choice.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

brokenlefty said:


> MattMatt- gotta be thankful for the little things, eh? Also, your icon made me smile. =)


Lol, yes, those dancing kitties waggling their tails are hillarious 
They make me smile too.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You said that you still love him and miss him. I have seen marriages be successful with your kind of situation when both partners decide they are going to get through the affair.
You said that you already made up your mind that you are going to D but because you said that you love him I just want you to know that it is still possible to make this marriage work if both want it to.

On the other hand, if he is not remorseful and not showing it with actions and if you have made up your mind that you are not going to forgive him then I think your decision to D is the best.

Blunt


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brokenlefty,

I am so sorry you are here. I don't think that you are making a bad choice by choosing to divorce your husband. Living with a spouse who was unfaithful and trying to R is not for every one.

I do suggest that you forgive your husband though. I don't say forgive him and act like nothing happened. That is what we call rug sweeping. Forgive him for being human. Forgive yourself for being human and trusting. Forgiveness will help you not carry around the hate and anger. Don't let it dwell in you. Forgive and let the anger go so it doesn't fester into a bitterness that you carry around.

Go work on yourself and things you want to do with your life. There is no small amount of wonderful things that happen in your life every day. Let those little things be your focus. It will help the healing process. I am so sorry you are here. Good luck to you!


----------

