# My husband uses drugs, hangs out with bad influences and has no ambition. HELP



## RheaLuna (Jul 22, 2017)

My problem is that my husband has no ambition, no goals, no drive, and uses drugs... And I believe the reason of all of this are his friends, he has a small group of friends that he met when he was a teen. I must admit, his friends are loyal to him but they are a terrible influence, most of them barely graduated high school and use drugs and drink on a daily basis. Neither of them can ever hold a relationship and when they do, their significant other is just as hooked into drugs as they are. My husband uses marijuana, coke, xanax, and sometimes extasis, and also drinks. I have talked to him countless times, i have begged, i have threatened, i have done it all but he will only stop for a week then he goes back to his habits. Usually he gives me a speech saying that he will change etc. But recently, he just says "I'm not ready to be the man you want me to be" and that's it that's his explanation. He doesnt only use drugs but he also comes home extremely late whenever he hangs out with his friends, sometimes he makes it home after 6 am. I know it looks like he may be cheating but I am 100% certain he isnt, he really is with his friends probably passed out on drugs and alcohol, I am certain of this.

I am a driven individual, I go to college, i consider myself an intelligent woman who isnt afraid to be herself. But i am afraid that my husband's lack of ambition will end up rubbing on me, ever since I married him two years ago, I feel like something within myself went missing. It frightens me to think that my husband will prevent me from reaching my full potential. His habits make me feel out of place, I am 23 and I dont party, i am very focused and my husband's lifestyle makes me feel like something is wrong with me instead because i dont indulge in what him and his other 20-something year old friends are doing. 
He also goes to college but doesnt earn good grades, I make all his school schedules because if it was up to him he wouldnt get enrolled at all, he doesnt even have an idea which classes are required for his major, I keep track of all of that, I choose his professors etc.. 

He is a very good person too, he is generous, humble, well intended, and there is no doubt he loves me. However, when he steps out the house he forgets everything just to go with his friends. He is always late to work because he goes out so late so often, he is barely passing his classes, and clearly his marriage is falling apart. I myself, cant sleep at night waiting for him to come home, so im constantly tired and depressed. 

I dont know what else to do, I love him and it breaks my heart to think that if i leave him he definitely wont have a way out and will become entirely dependent on drugs. It breaks my heart to admit that without me, he will be lost. I love him, I dont want to leave him, he is the only family I have. I moved to this country alone, and without him i will be alone again, and i dont want that, though I already feel lonely. It makes me so depressed to think that this environment of drugs, alcohol, depression, mediocrity will become my life because he is so unwilling to change. 

We have planned to move to another city next summer, I guess this is my last hope. If everything stays the same...... Then I dont know what im going to do. I want to leave him because if i do, life will be easier of course, but the love I have for that man wont let me.... What do i do? and most importantly, how can i be strong enough do deal with this?

I need advice and support. Thanks.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If he's a regular drug user, can't manage to get his enrollment and scheduling sorted out by himself, and parties til the wee hours of the morning, what, exactly, do you think your life will look like when it's time for you both to leave college, work, and pay the bills?

HINT: At best, you'll be supporting both of you and he'll be contributing...sometimes...when working and paying bills don't interfere with his partying schedule. At best.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You say your husband is humble,well he has a lot to be humble about.He is a pillhead,pothead,pisshead who can't get up for work,can't pass his exams and is basically going to be leeching off you for the rest of your marriage.
I know that was rough but the truth hurts.If you really love him then you need to make him grow up and if that means leaving him then do so.Do not tie your future to this guy,he will bring you down to his level eventually and whatever else you do please please don't get pregnant.
There is nothing worse than seeing someone who could have had a great career just giving up and setting for a minimum wage job because of some loser that they "love".
There is one thing clear in your post,you both love the same person.Him!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

RheaLuna said:


> and there is no doubt he loves me.


But by what you've posted,right now he loves his lifestyle more. You taking on responsibility when he is blatantly irresponsible with school,work and married life makes it easier for him to continue.

Maybe attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group,as you're powerless over the choices that he makes. They can help you to re-focus on you again. It has to be hard living attached to a lifestyle directly opposed to your own.

Take care.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I agree things can't continue like this.. Not so sure moving to a new city will help, won't he find drugs and other friends like him.. It seems like he is comfortable with how his life is going. Don't get pregnant and keep moving forward with your life. You need to continue to stay focused. Eventually you will find strength to move on for good.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

How do you think he would handle a trial separation ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RheaLuna said:


> My problem is that my husband has no ambition, no goals, no drive, and uses drugs... And I believe the reason of all of this are his friends,


The first thing you need to realize is that the problem is not his friends. The problem is your husband.

His friends don't make him do anything. He chooses to be an irresponsible alcoholic and drug addict.

You say that you love your husband? Really? What do you love? His abuse of drugs and alcohol? His irresponsible behavior about work and school? Him ignoring you in favor of his drug/alcohol addicted friends?

I think you love who you think he can be. Think about this for a bit. His bad points far outweigh any good points he has. A person is only as good as the worst things that they do. So clearly you do not love who he is.

You are what is called "codependent". That's when a person puts their spouse's additions/problems ahead of their own wellbeing. 

You do all sorts of things for you husband to make sure he enrolls in school, had a school schedule, etc. This is you covering for him. He has no need to set his life straight. He has you mothering him and ruining your own life so that he can continue his bad behavior.

And yes, he will drag you down. He is already dragging you down.

You need to leave this guy. He will not stop this behavior until he has to, until he hits rock bottom. And you are working very hard to make sure that he does not hit rock bottom. If you truly do love him, you will divorce him. But that is the only way he will wake up and stop this nonsense, if he ever does.

Here is a book that you need to read to help you understand your codependency and how you can stop it.

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie

Also, joint Al Anon. It's an organization to help the spouses and family of alcoholics and drug addicts.

You really need help. Please get it.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Who is he using ecstacy with, his bros?

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Either he agrees to get into substance rehab post haste, or you need to open up a new chapter in your life!

You didn't sign up for this!

The choice is his: Responsible married husband or an unrepentant, irresponsible, drughead!

IMHO, he needs to make that life-altering decision rather quickly!*


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

None of his habits will change while you continue to support him and do everything to get him to work and class etc.

You will end up resenting him. No amount of love for him will change that. The simple fact youre here already points to that.

Do what you need to do for your own wellbeing.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sounds a lot like every pot head I ever had working for me. 
My advice is this: The sooner you understand deep in your core that the most important thing to any addict, is the next fix. More important than sex, food, sleep, money, social status, friends , family, lovers, seriously Everything. The sooner you understand and believe that you will always be less than the next Toke, The better your life will be. You are educated. You know that the only way you can make a good decision is if you weigh all the FACTS... Especially this Fact.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RheaLuna said:


> My problem is that my husband has no ambition, no goals, no drive, and uses drugs... And I believe the reason of all of this are his friends, he has a small group of friends that he met when he was a teen. I must admit, his friends are loyal to him but they are a terrible influence, most of them barely graduated high school and use drugs and drink on a daily basis. Neither of them can ever hold a relationship and when they do, their significant other is just as hooked into drugs as they are. My husband uses marijuana, coke, xanax, and sometimes extasis, and also drinks. I have talked to him countless times, i have begged, i have threatened, i have done it all but he will only stop for a week then he goes back to his habits. Usually he gives me a speech saying that he will change etc. But recently, he just says "I'm not ready to be the man you want me to be" and that's it that's his explanation. He doesnt only use drugs but he also comes home extremely late whenever he hangs out with his friends, sometimes he makes it home after 6 am. I know it looks like he may be cheating but I am 100% certain he isnt, he really is with his friends probably passed out on drugs and alcohol, I am certain of this.
> 
> I am a driven individual, I go to college, i consider myself an intelligent woman who isnt afraid to be herself. But i am afraid that my husband's lack of ambition will end up rubbing on me, ever since I married him two years ago, I feel like something within myself went missing. It frightens me to think that my husband will prevent me from reaching my full potential. His habits make me feel out of place, I am 23 and I dont party, i am very focused and my husband's lifestyle makes me feel like something is wrong with me instead because i dont indulge in what him and his other 20-something year old friends are doing.
> He also goes to college but doesnt earn good grades, I make all his school schedules because if it was up to him he wouldnt get enrolled at all, he doesnt even have an idea which classes are required for his major, I keep track of all of that, I choose his professors etc..
> ...


Is it possible that your husband is the bad influence?

He will drag you down, if you let him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How old are the two of you?

Was he like this before the two of you married?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Was he like this before you married him? If so, it is a problem of your own doing by marrying him. Many women think a man will change after marriage. They are wrong and divorced right now. If I were you, I would dump him and move on with your life. I have known guys like that and it never ends well.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

RheaLuna said:


> My problem is that my husband has no ambition, no goals, no drive, and uses drugs....


You didn't need to write anything beyond this. Any one of those traits should be a deal breaker for most healthy people, so why do you stay with this guy?

Do you need him to become an ax murderer before you can realize you should dump him?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> I have known guys like that and it never ends well.


Yep, same here. Plenty of times. And what's worse is the poor girls that accept this nonsense just won't see what seems so obvious to older guys like us.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

Sounds like a mis-match. Love is not the question. At least he was honest with you and told you he was not ready to be the man you want him to be. That's pretty cordial of him to admit that. At 23, I was doing all the same things, however I always had my life in order and took charge of the important things, I didn't require my lady to clean up after me. I also knew when the party was over and never chose drugs over my gf (now wife). It sounds like he's not so good at that.

Maybe sit him down and lay it all on the table. Perhaps you simply need to separate and do your own thing, and he will do one of two things: Realize what you mean to him and how much life sucks without you around, drugs or not, and clean up his act.....or he will go down the rabbit hole as you move on with a successful life. Don't think just because he's partying hard right now that he's a goner. That's absolutely not the case. At least he's not using drugs by himself, at home, alone (with the possible exception of moderate pot use when the chores are done). That's when to worry.

I love my wife but I wish she was as driven as you! Keep up the good work and don't let ANYONE stop you.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Run. He wont change. He is not ready to. Sorry


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Divorce him now.. seriously. I was in a similar situation. When I told him I didn't want drugs in my life he lied and told me he had quit. He hid it for 13 yrs then walked because he was tired of being the person I wanted him to be. Leave now, before you get pregnant. You will thank me later.

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