# Guilt over husband hurting



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

My husband and I are going through a divorce. After years of trying to get his attention to work on the marriage and being shoved aside we/I have called it quits. I am no longer in love with him. The thing is.. he now says he's had a revelation and realizes that he was a rotten husband. He says he is willing to do anything to get us (the kids and me) back. We tried counseling already but after it was too late for me so it didn't do any good other then solidify for me we are done. My question is how can I make this easier for him or deal with my own guilt about hurting him? He says he is absolutely miserable and I feel terrible. He is still in the house and plans to move out in 2 weeks, Maybe it will get better then ?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

no its not going to get better for him. you are choosing to end the marriage and you cannot sugar coat that.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Kimberley17, it's not going to get any easier. The fact that you care enough to want him to feel less pain and feel guilty about the situation leads me to believe you do love him and still struggle with your own dwcisions to end your marriage. Try letting go of your expectations and be receptive to his efforts. If he is genuine and sincere, then his actions will speak for themselves.
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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. No, I don't love him like a wife should love her husband. He is the father of my children so I don't like to see him hurting. It's a long complicated situationa and there's no going back. After filing for divorce I found out that he has been keeping in contact with an old girlfriend behind my back on and off for years. I don't think it was an affair but I don't think I can ever trust him again in addition to our other problems.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

seeing a grown man cry and being all vulnerable just gets to me. I'm still human..


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Nobody loves there spouse like a spouse should in these situations. When you married this man, did you plan on divorcing him later? If you did them you are making the right decision, however if what I suspect is correct than you made a commitment that you should honor. I am by no means telling you what to do. What I am suggesting is that most people I know that ended up divorced, regret their decisions and most marriages can be saved. These are my opinions and because I'm going through a similar situation, I know in fact people can change their bad habits. What do you have to loose by being receptive to his desire to repair your marriage?
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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't know your story. How long has it been since you told him you wanted out of your marriage? Is there a reason that YOU haven't moved out? I speak from experience when I say there is nothing more painful than living in the same house with the person you dedicated your life too when they no longer reciprocate your feelings.

Living apart will help in that it will finally give him a chance to accept it and start to heal, but it isn't going to ease his pain. There is nothing you can do to help him in that regard except to give him the space from you to do it. Divorce is extremely painful, especially when you are the one that doesn't want it. He will need to work through those feelings on his own, but the longer you are in the same house, the longer it will take him to get to that point.

As for your guilt, you are walking away from your marriage and splitting your family (not judging, just stating the fact). Both the guilt and his pain are a consequence of the decision you made. If you are confident in that decision, and your reasons behind it, just accept that these feelings are all part of the process and will get better eventually. There is nothing you can do to rush it.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> seeing a grown man cry and being all vulnerable just gets to me. I'm still human..


:iagree:








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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I haven't moved out because I have two small children and want their life disrupted as little as possible. We are putting the house up for sale soon and will be moving once it sells. I don't want to have them moving all over. This sucks. It just sucks.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Come on Kimberly-you sound just like my WAW. She is in process of walking right now and I know she loves me and nothing has happened in our marriage that should cause D. Once she made her decision after I failed to recognize her unhappiness(stupid me right) she seems to think that it is over with no hope-BS!! Have you read these horrible stories on here about betrayal and mistreatment that should end in divorce? But BOTH parties somehow finally realize that they can repair the marriage TOGETHER. But it does require BOTH parties to be successful-if there is an OM or OW waiting on the sidelines and neither party can give up that allure then it won't and shouldn't work. The fact that he just kept in contact from time to time with some old flame is hurtful no doubt but should not be a death penalty. It was flattering to his ego-so f'ing what-you were/are? his wife and he went home to you every day/night-right? Tell him in no uncertain terms that YOU can't tolerate that-he will get(or has already gotten) the message and make amends-if he is hurting like you say. In this throwaway culture where minor problems result in divorce we are all as a society and nation are paying the price-not just the immediate participants.

In my case it was as if my WAW hid a coin under a rock somewhere and expected me to find it. How was I to find it if I didn't even know it was hidden? Men and women are different and with men I think(especially me) they need straight to the point communication not HOPES that the H will recognize the fact and degree that you are hurting. We are selfish idiots if allowed to be but we do not mean for that to be a direct slam on you. Does this make any sense-I would be so so happy if I could get you to take a chance with your husband-I know how he feels. If it doesn't work you can always dump him. Yes I don't know your complete stories but the brief sketch I read tells me that you are walking away from a fixable problem. Good luck and God Bless.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Kimberley, you have to do what is right for you, however if your children are a concern. Your decision to leave this man is going to have a lifetime impact on your children. Too many people in my opinion beleive that their life is going to be somehow better once they get a divorce. That the responsible party for their problems are no longer going to be a factor; hence they believe that they are divorcing their problems and life will somehow become better for them. These problems will still exist regardless. Divorcing what you think is the problem rarely resolves anything. As someone pointed out earlier, we don't know your situation, I can only speak from my own experiences.
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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I realize the problems may seem fixable but I have not been angel either. In fact, I have been much worse. I had a year long affair (now over) due to his treatment and the lack of attraction I feel/felt for him. It was VERY VERY wrong I know that. He does not know this. If we decided to reconcile I would tell him but I still am not attracted to him and am not in love with him. You guys are making me think though. Isn't the true test if you still want to hang out and spend time with the person? I don't evn want to sleep in the same bad as my husband.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

TNman, you took the words right out of my mouth, especially your coin analogy. I too truly didn't know that I was destroying my marriage. Nobody defined what was said. As men we are usually direct and I know I too took things at face value. I was never aware either of my wife's attempts to reach me and had I known, I would have definitely made every attempt to rectify the situation. Now, as I struggle it might be too late, however I have chosen not to give up. Giving up in my opinion is ultimately the easiest however also the weakest thing someone can do.
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Kimberly you are hurt, angry, and feel guilty. Of course you wouldn't want to be in the same bed, that would be normal. I feel you should come clean regardless with him. If he is aware of his behaviors and still genuinely wants to strive towards repairing your marriage then you should be open and receptive to him. I know in my own personal situation my wife tells me that I'm manipulating the situation in order to get her back. This is the furthest thing from the truth, however I beleive that the only way she will understand my sincerity is through time and my actions. The problem is she will not communicate anything directly so it makes the process of healing much more difficult.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> I realize the problems may seem fixable but I have not been angel either. In fact, I have been much worse. I had a year long affair (now over) due to his treatment and the lack of attraction I feel/felt for him. It was VERY VERY wrong I know that. He does not know this. If we decided to reconcile I would tell him but I still am not attracted to him and am not in love with him. You guys are making me think though. Isn't the true test if you still want to hang out and spend time with the person? I don't evn want to sleep in the same bad as my husband.


How long ago did your affair end??


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

2 months ago


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ok, well, your head is still in the fog about your affair. What have you done to address what you did? Have you gone NC with the OM? Because until you get rid of the drug-like effects of the OM, there's no way you have a hope of knowing what you really want with your husband.

And tell him anyway. Let him know what he's really dealing with here.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Yes, I have gone NC with the other man. I don't even have the desire to talk to him so it's not as if I'm pining away for him. I think I am going to tell my husband everything. I have nithing to lose at this point and maybe it will help him get over me and things quicker.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So are you telling him with hopes it will drive him away? Because it's going to devastate him. If you're doing it just to hurt him, that's not right. You need to do it gently. Not that finding out you're a BS is ever gentle.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

No, no, I didn't mean it that way at all. The last thing I want to do is cause him more pain but should I still come clean? I don't know what to do... I just wish this whole process wasn't so painful. I read your story and one thing that hit home was when you said people ask how can you live with what he did and you said you had to ask yourself if you wanted to live without him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my now husband. I wish I still felt that way but I don't. I am mourning the loss for my kids. And I do still care about him and hate seeing him hurting. Just how I am.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Kimberley- what a revelation-you aren't perfect! Neither is your H or me or my WAW. Sometimes I think my W may have had an affair because of my neglect in her view and now is walking as much for that self guilt as for my neglect(unrecognized) of her emotional needs. I don't know that she had an affair but there was certainly tons of strong circumstantial evidence. EAs and PAs are indeed horrible due to destruction of trust, thrashing of commitment, and the creation of the utmost selfish act. Make sure you know WHY you are walking and that you have NO CHOICE-DON'T be a quitter.

Bryant - great posts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes you should tell him. He deserves to know. Just do it compassionately.

Look, you are only 2 months out from an affair. Tell your husband, let him process it, and maybe he'll decide for the both of you. You and your husband also both need to be tested for STD's. Neither of you should make any rash decisions on D day. Give it time and see if things change. I once heard that the secret to a long marriage (note, not a HAPPY one, a LONG one) is to never fall out of love at the same time. Love can be rekindled - it happened to me, and to my husband. It just takes a LOT of work.

For myself, I had to realize that I was perfectly happy on my own before I realized I would prefer to be with my husband if I had a choice. If we had stayed split, I would have been fine too.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I feel you should tell him regardless, if you still wish that you felt that way with regards to wanting to spend the rest of your life with your husband then you still have the choice to. Again, I reiterate to you that there seems to be a considerable amount of anger, hurt, resentment, and guilt in you. The only way your life is going to move forward with or without him is to solve these issues. If he is willing to recognize his faults and is willing to accept your affair as a response to his neglect of your needs and continues to genuinely want to put in the efforts to repair your marriage, why would you not be willing to be receptive to that? Just curious?
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

bryane said:


> If he is willing to recognize his faults and is willing to accept your affair as a response to his neglect of your needs
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Scuse me?!?!?! Recognizing his faults, fine, but her affair is NOT a result of or a response to what he did. It's a result of what SHE did. The poor choices SHE made. It has nothing to do with him.

Kimberly if you aren't willing to accept 100% of the responsibility for what YOU did, that YOU cheated, then there's no hope for reconciliation.

This is all complicated by the fact he cheated on you, of course, and that it seems the two of you never addressed that.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hope1964, Better said, however it was both of them and he is complicit and responsible in some way shape or form for the decline in their marriage as well. People do funny things when their perception is skewed. Neither party did the right thing, however both can fix it if they are willing to accept responsibility for their roles. If her expectations / needs were being met, more than likely there would have never been an affair. Just like if she had defined clearly on their marriage what those needs / expectations were there more than likely wouldn't have been the neglect as well as vice versa.
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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

TNman said:


> Come on Kimberly-you sound just like my WAW. She is in process of walking right now and I know she loves me and nothing has happened in our marriage that should cause D. Once she made her decision after I failed to recognize her unhappiness(stupid me right) she seems to think that it is over with no hope-BS!! Have you read these horrible stories on here about betrayal and mistreatment that should end in divorce? But BOTH parties somehow finally realize that they can repair the marriage TOGETHER. But it does require BOTH parties to be successful-if there is an OM or OW waiting on the sidelines and neither party can give up that allure then it won't and shouldn't work. The fact that he just kept in contact from time to time with some old flame is hurtful no doubt but should not be a death penalty. It was flattering to his ego-so f'ing what-you were/are? his wife and he went home to you every day/night-right? Tell him in no uncertain terms that YOU can't tolerate that-he will get(or has already gotten) the message and make amends-if he is hurting like you say. In this throwaway culture where minor problems result in divorce we are all as a society and nation are paying the price-not just the immediate participants.
> 
> In my case it was as if my WAW hid a coin under a rock somewhere and expected me to find it. How was I to find it if I didn't even know it was hidden? Men and women are different and with men I think(especially me) they need straight to the point communication not HOPES that the H will recognize the fact and degree that you are hurting. We are selfish idiots if allowed to be but we do not mean for that to be a direct slam on you. Does this make any sense-I would be so so happy if I could get you to take a chance with your husband-I know how he feels. If it doesn't work you can always dump him. Yes I don't know your complete stories but the brief sketch I read tells me that you are walking away from a fixable problem. Good luck and God Bless.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

WOW, spot on.
Anything and everything I would say to this post.

Also Kimberley,
You stated because he stayed in contact with an old girlfriend every now and then that you can't trust him?

If you tell him about your affair and he STILL wants to fix this then I see something wrong with that picture.
I currently am in the same situation as your H and I know EXACTLY how he feels.

It takes TWO to work on a marriage and you are here and I wish my wife found this site to gain some insight as well for someone to talk some sense into her.

He is saying he will change, he is trying to get you back, he still loves you. What do you have to lose to give him his chance??

Same question I have for me wife...


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Ok, the biggest issue is I am not at all attracted to him. He actually physically turns me off. I know it's terrible to say but if I don't even want to cuddle up and kiss my husband I see no where else to go but divorce. Yes, this has been going on for a long time. Since our first child was born. And just for the record I was begging him to go to counseling with me for years and he said we didn't need it and we were fine. I was miserable and it took for him to finally become miserable from how detached I was being that he suggested counseling. We went, he said he'd change but my feelings never returned. it hurts but i need to move forward..


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Need to and Choose to are completely different things. Instead of getting to the root of why you are no longer attracted to your husband you tell yourself you need to move on. This is a choice, NOT a need. There is a difference.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

bryane said:


> Hope1964, Better said, however it was both of them and he is complicit and responsible in some way shape or form for the decline in their marriage as well. People do funny things when their perception is skewed. Neither party did the right thing, however both can fix it if they are willing to accept responsibility for their roles. If her expectations / needs were being met, more than likely there would have never been an affair. Just like if she had defined clearly on their marriage what those needs / expectations were there more than likely wouldn't have been the neglect as well as vice versa.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes - the state of the marriage is separate from the choice to cheat. Two different things.

Kimberly, tell him what you did and tell him at the same time that your marriage is over. BS's talk about trickle truth - it is FAR better to get all the cards on the table right up front and not think you're doing the BS a favor by holding back. If you tell him one thing and not the other, then you're holding back and just hurting him twice instead of once.

I agree though that it needn't be over. It IS a choice.

If you care at all about him, be prepared to help him get through it too.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I've been told by many with my situation that if my wife "emotionally" checked out then she is done. I feel as if they gained perspective on why they "emotionally" checked out they can understand, they can realize, and they will have their eye open to the cause.

That is still the man you fell in love with, the man you made your vows with, the man you loved enough to have a child with.

He may have changed on the outside but he is still the same man you fell in love with on the inside. He clearly still has the love for you as he has had since day 1.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

I wish my wife cared enough to search these forums also. How many marriages could be saved if the leaving spouse would read some of this and discover things about themselves that they didn't realize?

StephenG-you sound like you have a similar story to mine. It is unbelievable how a WAW gets to a point of no return and can't seem to be able or want to get back. I don't understand that at all-they act like if they give the left behind H a chance(once he understands) the world will blow up or something. They seem to discount their failure to get their feelings understood but put it all on the H for not recognizing, reacting, or changing. And from reading tons of this WAW stuff a lot of the times the dumbA** H is clueless until it is 'too late'. I guess 'unadmitted' OMs are out there on the sidelines in a lot of these mysterious breakdowns-seems to be the only explanation other than some sort of mental dysfunction.

Kimberley-so sorry you are having these problems but kudos to you for coming on these boards. It seems rare that the walking spouse ever hits these sites.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

TNman said:


> I wish my wife cared enough to search these forums also. How many marriages could be saved if the leaving spouse would read some of this and discover things about themselves that they didn't realize?
> 
> StephenG-you sound like you have a similar story to mine. It is unbelievable how a WAW gets to a point of no return and can't seem to be able or want to get back. I don't understand that at all-they act like if they give the left behind H a chance(once he understands) the world will blow up or something. They seem to discount their failure to get their feelings understood but put it all on the H for not recognizing, reacting, or changing. And from reading tons of this WAW stuff a lot of the times the dumbA** H is clueless until it is 'too late'. I guess 'unadmitted' OMs are out there on the sidelines in a lot of these mysterious breakdowns-seems to be the only explanation other than some sort of mental dysfunction.
> 
> ...


I am glad you came here too Kimberley. Here you have what I wish I had. You can gain and have gained a thought of what's going on in your H's head.
Take in some of the information and learn from it, but when it comes down to it, it's what YOU do YOUR choice.
Just don't brush off what insight you have gained, put down your wall, if not for your H, atleast from members of this site.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> Ok, the biggest issue is I am not at all attracted to him. He actually physically turns me off. I know it's terrible to say but if I don't even want to cuddle up and kiss my husband I see no where else to go but divorce. Yes, this has been going on for a long time. Since our first child was born. And just for the record I was begging him to go to counseling with me for years and he said we didn't need it and we were fine. I was miserable and it took for him to finally become miserable from how detached I was being that he suggested counseling. We went, he said he'd change but my feelings never returned. it hurts but i need to move forward..


Kimberley, your situation sounds pretty much spot on with mine - my ex had lost attraction for me, but never once said so, even the year before she cheated and asked for divorce we did MC, and all we got was the standard "you need to communicate more"... rubbish, she just needed to be honest. She never confessed to an affair, instead she left me flailing to guess at what caused her to actually check out - yes I was aware she was miserable, she told me that much, but I was too... I tried a lot of the things she said she needed/wanted yet still I couldn't please her. And I made bad choices that hurt her too - early in the marriage I had a secret porn habit, and the utter look of betrayal on her face was heartbreaking, but it wasn't until after I found her bad choices (and there were horrific ones) that she tried to fling it all back on me. It wasn't until I did my own snooping that I discovered her reason for wanting to end it (because of her affairs) and I finally started getting myself out of limbo, and after separation it wasn't until I discovered this website that I learned for myself that her problems were all about lost sexual attraction, and vice versa. If she would only have said so, or if we only had a counselor that would have pulled me aside and pointed this out to me (and in hindsight its so obvious), I could have had something to work with - I know I was passive, and a doormat, but she had me bent over backwards trying to be someone I'm not in order to please her and I inevitably failed her tests.

In a way it does come down to communication, in my case, and in yours, it has to do with being honest: don't tell your H that you want him to do more and more, tell him you have lost all attraction and respect for him, tell him the truth, then tell him to come to this website and visit the men's forum so they can show him that the only way for him to have your respect (and attraction) is for him to respect himself enough to tell people (especially you) "no" when asked to move his boundaries. Stop fitness testing him, he's the man you chose to marry, but at this point when he gets his self respect back he may just not want you back, since you cheated and are divorcing him. It is the ultimate betrayal, one spouse can do to the other, a real double whammy.

Sorry you are here, it is just too bad you already chose a path of destruction, one where you burned the bridge already. And for the record it is not for you to give him comfort in his time of grief because you are the one causing it, it is cruel and emasculating for him, what he needs is to pull a 180 and put space and distance between you... the best support you can give him, assuming you either will not tell him of your adultery, or if you do and he chooses divorce, is to thank him for the good years, offer to be the best co-parent and ally for your children and then go dark on him and do not torture him with contact, except regarding business matters and child rearing.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I know that I am on the outside looking in but I am sure that my 2 cents is worth something. I strongly, STRONGLY encourage you to think twice. You may still be in a fog that is clouding your decision making. A marriage and family are worth the fight and effort of both spouses. At least ask a MC to help you re-engage into your marriage so you don't throw away something that is valuable. Read the forums here and you will learn that most BS would jump at an opportunity to work on a R with their spouses, but are unable to due their their WAS lack of commitment. Seek help on checking back into your marriage!


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