# A great example of why I want to separate...



## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

I posted a few days ago about my DH's complete apathy when it comes to parenting his children, his Internet addiction, and how I've considered asking for a divorce because I can't stand being married anymore to someone who has the personality of a doorknob (yes, I know that's blunt, but it's the truth!!!)

His mother is hospitalized, and we don't know if she'll make it or not, so we've all been a bit stressed in the past week due to that. BUT... if it weren't for that, I would have completely lost it today and confronted him. Here's why...

One of our daughters (15 years old) has been gone for 3-1/2 weeks at a summer workshop at a college across the country. She wanted to do this desperately, she worked her butt off to earn the money, and only 80 kids from across the U.S. were accepted into the program. To say that I'm proud of her is a huge understatement. She had an amazing time, and it's an experience she will keep with her for the rest of her life. So... in 3-1/2 weeks, my DH has had absolutely no communication with her except for one computer-related email. When he saw her today for the first time in almost a month, he was totally awkward around her, like he didn't know what to say or how to talk to her. He has said a total of 4 (FOUR!!!!) sentences to her since she's been home after being gone and having no communication with her for almost a month, and not a single question about whether or not she liked the workshop or had a good time.

My other daughter has herself shut up in her room, as she usually does when he is home. Not good.... 

This has absolutely got me fuming!!!!! It's not like they're estranged, they've lived in the same house since the day our kids were born, yet DH doesn't know how to have a conversation with his own children. And I feel like I'm the mediator between my kids and their own dad on a daily basis. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. If I don't start a conversation, DH and kids will literally go days without saying a word to each other. They are totally invisible to him, it's as if they don't exist. 

So.... when we're done dealing with my MIL, however that turns out in the end, I'm going make some changes. My DH doesn't like to hear anything about family dynamics, he shuts down, gets very defensive, and puts up a huge wall to hide behind. Enough... He can either start being a parent to his children, agree to family counseling, or move out. 

I just feel like I'm finally in a position mentally and emotionally to confront him once and for all, but I can't because of what's happening with his mother right now. OK... done venting!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Wow thats amazing, Is he depressed? What do you think is the root of the problem, The computer is an excape from the real problem but its not the problem.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Brewster, you're on to something. He sounds depressed. This can add a layer of fog on top of someone who is socially dysfunctional. Sounds like he can't really communicate.. so add depression on and he basically is falling apart at the seams.


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## Tweakster2k (Aug 19, 2010)

He seems like he has a lot on his mind. His mother might pass and his daughter is across the country doing her thing. Like others have said, it could be depression or grief is starting to settle for him.

From what you're saying, there's no qualms between him and his kids that would cause his standoffish behavior so I'd guess he's juggling a lot of things up in that head of his.


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## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

Yes, he is worried about his mother (so am I) and he has a lot on his mind right now. But - this thing about his not talking with our daughter after her being gone for so long is just *one* example of many many similar situations over the past 8 years. It's not just now that he's doing this, it has been going on for years. 

If we hadn't been dealing with the in-law situation, I would have completely lost my cool with him once and for all, but I'm trying to give him space and time to deal with his mother, as she needs and deserves his attention right now. 

As for the depression... in looking up signs and symptoms of both depression and addiction, the only sign of depression he has is withdrawing from friends and family. None of the others apply like change in sleep or appetite, etc. On the other hand... the signs and symptoms of addiction (in his case to computers and the Internet) are all like huge red flags waving over his head. Of course, as with most people in an addictive situation, he thinks everything is totally normal and that there is nothing wrong. All is well in his world ..... *biiiiig sigh*


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Oof. I have a similar situation with my wife. She's online all the time, warcraft, other stuff (she's a web designer too). Since our troubles started she's had an online affair which the OM broke off - she says. She's withdrawn from me almost fully, and does progressively less parenting even when she's the one at home with the kids. 

This summer we've been taking most weekends apart and alternate - sort of - the child care. The reality is heavily skewed toward me parenting the kids. This week I took the older child to visit my in-laws for a few days, and have had the younger one with me visiting my parents. I was home one morning to go to our marriage counseling session together - think she even asked about the kids? She's not even able to address simple chores around the house - laundry, taking the trash out if I'm away, picking up needed items from the store, etc.

We're in counseling and in my discussions with the therapist, he does seem to believe she is suffering from depression. He recommended medication (for both of us, actually) but she's resisting. 

In your case, try to talk to him about how he's feeling. Depression is one of those things that cause you to stick yourself in a bad place and not come out. I didn't talk to friends or anything. Get yourselves in front of a therapist or an MD to discuss this right away, discuss medication and counseling.

Being in counseling/therapy is VERY helpful, so if that's an option, I couldn't recommend it more strongly. Find a counselor who would see you as a couple and as individuals - some trust issues may arise, but meet them head-on. He should have time with the therapist with you and by himself.

Oddly enough, in my marriage my wife is the one wanting to separate. I'm hoping she will re-engage in the marriage, but her emotional state appears to be a barrier. Your situation might be the same - if you get him in treatment and the depression lifts, he may become more interested in you, and in turn, you in him. Good luck


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