# How to save my marriage?



## hhr12 (Jan 16, 2012)

I am so lost and at my witts end. I don't know what to do anymore.
My husband and I have been nonstop fighting for over a year now and last night we've both reached our breaking point. It has been a long, vicious cycle with no end.
He says that I constantly nag and that I am pushing him and our kids away by constant nagging and griping about everything. 
My husband is on disability and cannot work so he spends most of his time on his computer. I get so angry that he doesn't spend time with me but he asks me, "Why don't you telll me to just get off the computer and spend time with you?"
I find little things to compalin about and it always esclates to a big argument.
Last night it started over something small and unimportant as always. Our computer hasn't been working right so he wants me to help him fix it, he goes over on the couch and lays down and starts watching tv while I'm on the phone with the internet company trying to figure out why we can't get online. I get angry and tell him I don't care if the internet gets fixed or not, I'm just helping you fix the computer to help destroy our marraige even more." I feel this computer is destroying us but he said it is his escape to get away from things and deal with stress and depression. He is constantly on facebook or a video game online and spends very little time with me.
I feel so lonely and disconnected and I start 75% of our arguments. He says he can't handle it anymore and someday I'm going to come home from work and he'll be gone and he'll never talk to me again. If he does I feel it will be completley my fault because even our teenage kids say I gripe too much and I've driven my family away. I don't know what is wrong, why do I keep starting arguments? How do I catch myself and stop?
I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.
We have been married 20 years coming this July and when we first got married family and friends were saying we wouldn't make it 6 months so we are very proud that we've made it this far. 
When we do get along its great and I feel so in love again. I still have butterflies when I look at him and I'm not sure how to know if he feels the same about me? When I try to talk to him about my feelings he doesn't want to talk and shuts down. 
I ask him and pressure him to talk to me but it just makes him madder.
Is something wrong with me?


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## hhr12 (Jan 16, 2012)

And to add, my husband has beend diagnosed with bipolar 2 and depression. I understand the fact that he is on the computer and with bipolar disorder there are mania's and lows and he says the computer helps him escape and not have a milllion things going on in his mind everyday. I am not trying to take his computer away from him. I don't know how to talk to him without causing an argument. We are not happy but I don't want to give up.
I have became so depressed and even when I'm happy I start crying for no reason. Today I went home for lunch at work to see him and we got along, talked for a few minutes, watched a little tv and when he hugged me bye so I could come back to work I started crying. I know he hates it when I get sad and start crying and it makes his depression worse. I love him and I'll do anything in the world to save our marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you husband ever work? IF so how long had he not worked? Does he bring in a disability income?

I have a similar problem. My husband used to be a very productive person. Now he stays on the computer all day. He has been diagnosed ADD with depression and is on meds for both. Once the meds kicked in he did start to do things... he now does the dishes a few days a week and cooks dinner about half the time, does the grocery shopping. But that is not enough. 

I work more than full time and I expect him to do the same, even if it means he works on house cleaning and yard work full time.

Does your husband use the computer in the same room you are in most of the time? Or does he go to a room where he has a lot of privacy?


the first think you need to do is to get a handle on your self. Stop complaining and arguing. I'm not suggesting that you accept what is going on... instead I am suggesting that you take care of yourself first. The yelling is not getting you anything that you want. So just stop i.

Start being 180 degrees different. Do not complain, yell, argue, etc. Just find fun things for you and your chidren to do. 

What do you like to do? Does taking a nice warm bath after work help you relax? do it. Does going out with friends once a week help? Do it.

Do little to nothing for your husband and do not yell at him, complain, etc.

Ignore your husband for a while. He's not going anywhere.. he's glued to that stupid computer.

He will notice your changed behavior. When he asks what's up, say something cheerful. Do not give him a lot of detail about what you are doing... he's going to get curious. He'll start wondering what you are doing.

Once you are done this for a few weeks you will start to feel a lot stronger mentally. Then you will be able to handle the problem your husband is presenting. But you have to be someone he would want to be around first. Not someone who is yelling and arguing.


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## hhr12 (Jan 16, 2012)

Yes my husband worked up until 7 or 8 years ago he was hurt on the job, had neck and back surgery and has been on disability since. 
The computer is in the corner of the living room out in the open and thats where he stays from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed.
I blame myself for him being on the computer so much that he is staying on the computer because he doesn't want to spend time with me but then he tells me "if you want me off the computer just tell me but I want him to want to spend time with me, I don't think I should have to ask him to get off the computer and spend time with me. We're both being very hard headed and stubborn I guess. 
He makes a very small disability check and with my job we don't make a lot at all. I want to go to marriage counseling too but we can't afford it, no insurnace and even on the slding scale fees of some therapists it is still expensive.
But last night was the fight of all fights and he screamed at me to leave him alone and said that I am not healthy for him. I begged him to talk to me but he turned away and I started crying and begging him to forgive me for starting another argument. I know hes getting tired of hearing I'm sorry, I won't argue again but every day its back to the same arguments, the same bs. I don't know how to make it stop and I don't want to lose him.


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## hhr12 (Jan 16, 2012)

I want him to see my changed behavior, that I'm not wanting to argue. Its a continous argue, I'm sorry, argue, I'm sorry, vicious cycle. 
We had a good visit at lunch today and I want to come home tonight and attempt to get along, no arguing. I'd be happy if we just sat together and watched tv. I know I have to gain his trust and love back because I've pushed him so far away but not sure how to start. I've spent so long destroying or relationship but not sure how to pick up the pieces and try again. And I hope he feels the same way about me.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

well if he says all you need to do is tell him to get off the computer, then why dont you just try that.
say, hey honey, at x time why dont you come and watch tv with me for 30 minutes. 
then see if he does/ he keeps saying to just "tell him to get off the computer" so why not try it.
so what if you have to ask, just do it, if it gets you the time you want with him. why not try?
baby steps here. plus with bipolar and depression it can be harder and maybe being online helps him.
is he on meds? in therapy?


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## hhr12 (Jan 16, 2012)

I've tried to get him off the computer, he always says in a minute or gets really irritated at me and says I'm trying to do something, or as soon as I finish this game. I always end up falling asleep at night waiting on him. Then he gets mad at me that I fell asleep and says I tried to spend time with you but you fell asleep on me. Uh yea, I was trying to get your attention all night and facebook or your game were too important at the time. He actually brought up the idea of having a date night together, something that we've never done but if I can't get him off the computer to watch tv or see me how the heck am I going to get him out of the house on a date night?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

This might be a weird suggestion, but why not play an online game with him, like scrabble or checkers, from a separate laptop?


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

So why not plan/book a date night. Say to him, ok how about every Tuesday night at 6pm we go out for date night. ? Then once he agrees, remind him at 530 that you are leaving in 30 minutes, then remind him at 550 that you are leaving in 10 minutes and that he agreed..................might be worth a try.
Go anywhere, mcdonalds, 99, wherever, just have alone time together.


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## Heartbroken19 (Feb 1, 2012)

my husband Say the same thing about "the computer being an escape" well he says it about the computer and xbox. I get soo mad that i even tried to throw the xbox out the window once. I have been in your position and currently am as far as the not spending time with you. what would he do if you got the internet cut off for a month?


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## ZacThomas (Mar 5, 2012)

When marriage become tasteless people start doing some unimportant stuff rather than spending this time to their partner. Same is happening in your case. I will suggest you to plan out a holiday for your family may be this will work out for you. During this period your husband will spend time with you and your kids. This is what you want.


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

I don't think, you should feel that you are responsible...
I am a man and if my gf will does this, i will do the same as you did, but the difference will be in communication..
I will calmly make her understand that what she is doing can ruin our relationship and i don't think she would want that...
So, treat him calmly and make him understand that you are also important in your married life......


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## marriedglad (Dec 5, 2011)

Get some desserts on your way home. Both your and his favorite. Of course, let the kids have some of them as well. But when you two are alone, just sit with him enjoying the sweets, and talk to him. Kindly ask him to get off the computer and come sit with you. Talk to him about how your day was, and what is bothering you these days other than your marriage. Ask him how his day was? Lend your shoulder to him and vice versa. You have to make it evident that you value the relationship, and you are trying to not make things bad between you two. A lot of times, just knowing that the opposite is making an effort does wonders. Relationships are not trade. It is not needed that you deliver absolute best every time, what matters is that you're intent upon it.


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