# Scared and confused



## cdouglas (Dec 27, 2009)

I've been reading a lot of stories and situations on this site and I am so confused. My husband and I have been married for over 19 years and I just found out last month that he was seeing another women. He said he has only kissed her, but he has spent the night at her house several times (he said he was at his friends house). He told me that it had been going on for 2 months. Well, like an idiot, I thought he had stopped contacting her after I found out. He told me he wasn't talking to her anymore. Well, I found out through the phone bill that he was still texting her and calling her everyday , all day. He still won't let go. 
On dec. 23 I saw a text he sent to her saying xoxoxoxoxoxxo. Well, we got into as physical fight and then he cried, told me he was soo sorry. He said he felt like a monster. Well, the next day he went shopping for the kids for Christmas (we have 5) and bought gifts. All he bought me was a hat, which was fine until I saw a receipt last night that showed that he bought the same hat and a jacket for Her. The day after he tells me he's soo sorry. I hate him soooooo much right now. He knows I see his texts online, so he hasn't been texting her since that night, so I thought there was hope. I guess he found another way to communicate with her and give her the gift. I am soo confused I don't know what to do. 
He says I am pushing him away by looking at the texting bill and by looking through his pockets. What the F does he expect me to do. 
I want to be strong and tell him to leave, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to lose him, or have I already. We have 5 beautiful children ages 1 to 14. I don't want them to lose their daddy, but I can't keep pretending that everything is ok. I hate life right now. 
I'm afraid if I tell him to leave he'll just get closer to her and I'll lose him forever. Please Help. Any advice will do.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your title says it all. I've been in your shoes as have a lot of other people on this site. I'm sorry you and your children are going through this.

You are basically walking on a tight rope. I honestly don't know what you should do. First, perhaps you should go to counseling and ask your husband to go also. The problem with cheaters is that they are liars. And because lying is a huge character flaw, it is next to impossible to fix in adults. At this point, there probably isn't much trust in the relationship. I don't know if you are religious, but I have found much peace in my situation by turning to God (& this forum). I sincerely hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there,
Hang in there, I'm in exactly in the same boat as you, there is probably a lot more you don't know about your husband and his OW. I found out more and more as each day passed, don't expect anything to be the truth as to what he says.
You will go through a lot of pain and anguish in the next little while, a lot of emotions, from kicking him out to wanting to work things out, to begging for a second chance. I'm about a month out now and having lived with the news and him telling me he has feelings for the OW, I have come to a decision that I can't live with a man that couldn't respect me enough to wait until we were finished before he started a new relationship.
He has hurt me in a way that was avoidable and he did this without a minute of thought for me, he didn't care what it did to me. So that said we are finished and he is moving on with his life without me and I intend to be open to new opportunities.
Everyone has a standard they need to live by and that is different for each of us. You have to decide what will work for you. There a lots of people separating and lots of people forgiving and working to salvage their marriages.
I think if the 2 people are committed to working things out, it could be better than ever if it works.
Just forgive that is really for you.
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I wish I could give you a hug I know I sure needed one.
keep us posted, I here for you to vent


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## Sun (Nov 23, 2009)

He is hiding a full fledged affair from you at this point. He will lie to you and tell you it is not what it actually is because he does not want to lose you either. He knows if he comes clean that you will probably leave. You both need to seek out counciling as soon as possible, both together and individually. He needs to be an open book to you, failure to let you see and know everything is an admission that he is hiding something that he does not want you to know. I do not believe once a cheater, always a cheater but there is cause and affect for what and why he is doing this to you and your family. If he is truly sorry and knows he made a mistake and can come clean with you and be an open book then you will have the beginning of what it might take to pull through this. Counceling is a must. You have to get to the core of what made him stray in the first place. I know, I have been through this myself and I hope to help people based on my errors and failure to do the right thing.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey sun, what is your story?


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## Sun (Nov 23, 2009)

jessi said:


> hey sun, what is your story?


I was on his side of the story. But that is for another day and alot more soul searching/therapy before I can fill these pages with mine.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

cdouglas,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Telling you that looking at the phone bills is pushing him away is a bunch of bologna....He should be bringing you his phone bills and cell phone and credit card statements and whatever else to you on a silver platter to rebuild your trust in him. He is not there.

One person cannot work on the marriage while the other is off having an affair. If he is truely sorry and wants your marriage to work, he will need to fully plug in, agree to counselling and live an open book life so you know his whereabouts & who he is talking to ... he stepped out of your marriage & it takes a lot more than 'get over it' to step back in and make things right again.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

At this point, he's still seeing her behind your back. Is he ready to give up the OW and come back to the family and you? That, you have to find out!! 

I'm like in your situation is that we have been married for over 20 years, with kids and I'm SAHM all these years so I am financial dependent on him. I never thought he would have cheated on me and was blindsided by the whole thing. Unlike some of the ladies here, I was afraid to walk away because of the 20+ years of marriage, don't want to hurt our kids with the divorce, financial dependency, love for him. It wasn't until I wanted a divorce 3 weeks after he admitted to the A (and he knew I was very serious about it) that he was truly ready to commit to working on our marriage and stopped contacting the OW.

There's no ifs and no buts about it, even if you love him and don't want to lose him, it's all up to him at this moment. Is he ready to give up the OW? If not, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to go along with his lies and let him have his cake and eat it too just to keep the family intact OR are you going to confront him head on, either stop this A or you're going for a divorce. 

He's in a perfect spot at the moment, having you looking after the kids, while he's having fun on the side with the OW. You're deathly afraid of losing him and he knows it, that's why he's still seing the OW on the sly because he knows he can get away with it. 

You have 2 choices:
1) Just to keep the homefront intact for now, be nice and let him carry on as he pleases until he comes to his senses and leaves the OW and comes home or until he decides he wants to be with the OW and leaves home.
2) Get tought with him, let him know he cannot have both and let him know you're ready to walk away because of what he did, demand a divorce. If he thinks his family is worth it, then he will leave the OW and come home or he's so in love with the OW that he leaves the family.

Good luck with what you decide to do and lotsa hugs.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'd choose 2) only because leaving it in his court is just allowing it to go on as is....which could be for years.


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## cdouglas (Dec 27, 2009)

Wow. reading the responses is like reading what I am going through. When you are going through the pain, you really feel like the only one who has ever been hurt like this. I really thought he was going to come back to me. He acts like it for a couple of days and then he's back to talking and texting her. He said he would stop and then the very next day he is back to it. He told me today he is not sure what he wants. I NEVER thought this could happen to us. He was such a stong man of God.He loved God. Everybody thought he was so wonderful (they still do). Everyone would tell me how fortunate I am to have such a great man for a husband. Now, I don't know what happened to him. He has changed in a way that seems unimaginable. I went to church last sunday and I felt encouraged to trust God in this situation, even if he doesn't come back. I am still soooo confused. I feel like I am in a twilight zone. I am thinking I just have to let go and file for the divorce. I threatened him with that last week, but he just said "fine, I will leave if you want me to go." I told him I don't want him to go, I just want him to come back to me 100%. I even tried to talk some sense into him about his relationship with the kids and how all of this is going to affect them, but I just can't talk any sense into him. He is just enjoying some young beautiful woman being "in love" with him. 
He even questioned whether we should have ever gotten married in the first place. How could he say that to me. We have the most incredible, beautiful children. How can he say that?!
This whole situation still doesn't feel real. I know I can't handle this pain anymore. I guess I have to file for a divorce. It's amazing how 20 years can count for nothing over an affair lasting a few months.
I thank everyone who has replied for their words of encouragement and advice. I really took everything to heart.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's such a shame that your husband has also turned his back on God. That was something which was hard for me also. That was another realization I had to accept--that he went against God's rules and felt no remorse. What chance did our marriage have? I was surely nothing to my husband any longer.

A friend recommended a really nice book a few weeks ago. The book is titled "A Magnificent Obsession" by Anne Graham Lotz. The book is so positive and uplifting! I wished it had been available when my own nightmare BEGAN. It renewed my faith and definitely helped me to see that I needed to let go of everything. Besides, I had much rather have a discussion with God than the stupid estranged husband. lol

Hang in there!


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## cdouglas (Dec 27, 2009)

well,still confused. I did see a lawyer about the process of divorce and to ask questions. My husband kept telling me don't do it, yet he won't stop texting the OW. Well, he has done a lot of things to show me that he won't let go ( like texting her for hours), yet he keeps telling me that he comes home every night to me. After I looked at the bill online and saw that he had texted her at 4am for about an hour and then again for about 5 hours while driving on a trip for his job, I called him and told him that I hated him and that I was going out. He would always joke around and tell me that only unattractive men would be interested in me. Well, was he wrong!! I went out dancing and met someone very attactive. We got something to eat and we kissed afterwords. So, I guess I am as bad as him. The crazy part is I told my husband and he was furious!! He said he was going to find this guy and beat his A**. Is my H serious???? So he can have an affair for 4 months (he still says he hasn't had sex with her.) and I can't meet anyone. He actually told me after this incident that I am winning his love back. My question is am I winning his love back or is he so selfish that he doesn't want anyone else to have me, but he wants to continue his relationship. I do still want my husband back, but I am not going to let him treat me like this? He even asked me if I wanted to see the guy again and I told my H "if that's what it takes". I don't want to have an affair, I know I am just asking for trouble, but I also don't want to continue being the stupid wife who just watches her husband give his love to someone else while I sit at home and cry every night!!! 
I'm not sure What to do.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh man I would contact her and be like wtf are you doing. And besides that if you guys did split the worst revenge is for her to end up with him. He sounds like a major tool MAJOR toool


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