# Emotional abuse, marriage, and children.



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Hi all,
So I am wondering what is your experience with spousal emotional abuse in marriage when kids are on the scene.

Currently my wife and I are getting along better than we have ever before, which is positive. However, my wife can be abusive and cuss at me at times. We are about to have a baby boy and I was wondering if in your experience/ opinion that is likely to change. My wife is absolutely pro therapy which is a positive thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Emotional abuse is hard on children. It does not matter is it's only directed at the other parent or if it's also directed at the child.

Get the counseling for both of you so that your child does not have to live with the abuse.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Thanks EG that is the impression I am getting too. We plan on the counseling. The possible abuse in front of the child does concern me. My way of dealing with conflict is not good either. I become cold and distant. She and I both have work to do.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you should be concerned about abuse in front of your child - very concerned. Children who witness regular abuse very often grow up to have relationship issues of their own that can plague them for the rest of their lives...

I would suggest MC, OP.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Thanks Cos. That is my concern. I am hoping for a lot from counseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Counseling can be very helpful if you find the right counselor.

I often find that self help books a good way to get help as well. Once I would suggest is 

*"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships" *by Harriet Lerner

The title says that it's for women, but it's a good book for anyone. I learned a lot about how to deal with a very angry husband and how to avoid/end stop the angry outbursts from happening in our home.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You say your wife calls you names and is verbally abusive, is this on a daily basis without any kind of argument or hard feelings between you, or does she do this when she is upset only?

If she does this when she is angry it might be that she is suppressing feelings and then they come out like a volcano erupting. If she never was able to have a voice in her home growing up she might not be able to express herself properly.

The good thing is if she can see this in herself and is willing to work on this she can make progress. She might need help and encouragement to be able to express herself and actually talk and express her hurts rather than shout obscenities and that might require therapy. One thing she has to come to terms with is that we all have anger and we all get hurt but it is what we do with that which is important. If she is stuffing and not expressing hoping things will just go away because she doesn't want to fight or maybe she feels to angry to say anything at the time, it will come out sideways later. These issues sit and brew, they do not go away unless dealt with.

Not sure if this is her case but something to think about.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Ele thanks for the book suggestion. Sounds like it may be very useful. She is concerned about her anger and has said so several times. But as you say the book will probably be useful for both if us. Sounds like you read a lot. 

AVR, hmm what you wrote makes a lot of sense. She is only verbally abusive when angry. However, I am beginning to feel that I have to tip toe on egg shells around her. In a previous relationship she said the abuse between her and her ex eventually turned physical.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

louanneyis said:


> I become cold and distant. She and I both have work to do.



Glad you recognize mutual work needed. Cold and distant "can be" just as abusive as a verbal assault.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Glad you recognize mutual work needed. Cold and distant "can be" just as abusive as a verbal assault.


I think your correct there. It is something I definitely need to work on. It is one of my biggest character flaws, and one that has been a constant in all of my relationships in the past and now my marriage too.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You have to analyze your intent...

If it is for self protection because she is verbally assaulting you then a better choice would be to set a boundary with her instead and stay engaged. That you will talk ONLY if she is calm.

If it is for punitive purposes.... then it can be abusive

If it is for processing information ... then just announce.. "hey, I'm going to go process for a while. I will be back to finish resolving this with you."

There are just better choices.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You have to analyze your intent...
> 
> If it is for self protection because she is verbally assaulting you then a better choice would be to set a boundary with her instead and stay engaged. That you will talk ONLY if she is calm.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I think it is more for punitive purposes on my part. Guess I have a lot of work to do. The last time we fought I forced myself to stay by her rather than going down stairs and isolating knowing she was still upset.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My husband and I both have had to learn better choices and better boundaries. Makes a HUGE difference.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

how bad/hurtful does the verbal abuse get? I think "emotional abuse" - the kind that should be considered just as serious as physical abuse - is verbal abuse that becomes very personal/hurtful fairly quickly in the outburst. something like "damn it I told you we needed milk. why did I even marry you. I could have done a hell of a lot better"

or

" $8000 for a compact car, a Toyota?! I thought I told you not to go abobe $6000. I swear I...are you stupid? No wonder your boss said those things. he's dealing with what I have to deal with..."

see what I mean?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think they do too and the website Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support was VERY helpful to me in the last six months to define what I was dealing with and set the right boundaries to cause the right change.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Nuke nightmare the abuse is screaming, and I mean screaming as loud a she can while cussing such as 'f you, f you and other cuss words.' She set a boundary for ms when we argue, which I have not broke. I would drive back to my unit(I am in the airforce) and hang out there foe a few hous before going home. She did not like me doing so. Now I just stay at home. She told me if I left I may as well leave and never come back. My boundary was/is I would not tolerate her cussing at me. Well she has crossed that line, but I did not do anything. I am starting to feel as though I am walking on egg shells a little nowadays.

Blossom I shall check that out.


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