# How to talk about my lack of desire with my husband?



## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi everyone!

I'm seeking advice from men and women about how I can talk to my husband about my lack of desire without just complaining or making him feel bad about himself. But, while I'm at it, our issues are:

Overfamiliarity and loss of romance: What was once sweet words and subtle suggestions of love-making are now overt suggestions--grabbing or pinching. Also, I've mentioned to him in the past that I want him to take me out to dinner or buy me flowers occasionally, but this has not happened. I don't feel special anymore; I just feel like my body is a tool for him to get off. 

Penetration too soon (he doesn't listen when I tell him I need more warm up time; this is off-putting and sends the message that only his pleasure is important to him)

Lack of curiosity from him: We've been married 4 years and recently he said he didn't even know if I had ever had an orgasm. Never asked. I've read books about how to be better in bed, but he doesn't "believe" in that.

It's kind of helpful just to write all this down! But I still have no idea how to talk about all this with him


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

That sounded pretty articulate to me. 

I think you need to hurt his feelings a little - it's pretty clear he hasn't been doing due diligence on yours. If he's not into self help at all, ask him how he likes online dating?

If you haven't had this conversation before, start gentle and nice and see where it gets you, but don't be afraid to escalate to precisely the words you used above. Did I say escalate? Sorry, I meant open with. There was nothing wrong with how you presented it to a group of strangers on the internet.

How he reacts in short order will tell you everything you need to know whether this is just an educational opportunity for your husband or signs of a long and painful sex life for your marriage.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Not knowing if you had an O? Women can be pretty cryptic about this. If a guy isn't sexually experienced he will not be able to tell even if you think it should be obvious. It all boils down to two way communication. 

Even if he reads a book and tries some new things, how's he going to know if what he's trying is actually working if you don't tell him?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A few observations...

I get grabby when we haven't had sex in a while. It will go from nice hugs and sweet kisses to obnoxious grabbing and fondling. If you aren't meeting his sexual needs, there's a good chance that is why he gets grabby.

Early penetration and no orgasm? That's on YOU. If you aren't ready, "need more warming up" isn't what you say. You say "I'm not ready to get f**** yet." or "I'm not wet enough". Be blunt. And as for your orgasm, you alone are responsible to get one. If he doesn't take care of you after he ejaculates, don't let him until you have one. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you haven't had an orgasm and want one before he gets his.

And if he won't read those books, you read them and guide him. Tell him what you want and how you want it, what feels good and what doesn't. Help him help himself (and you).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Lack of skill, and lack of physical prowess in bed can be fixed. Lack of interest in being a good love cannot. 

If you have made it clear to him that you are not happy with your sex life and he is not trying to improve things, then I really don't see much you can do. 

If you think he wants to improve but doesn't know how, you can continue to give gentle suggestions etc.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Marnie said:


> ....how I can talk to my husband about my lack of desire without just complaining or making him feel bad about himself.
> 
> ...our issues are:
> 
> ...



You are a very wise woman to know you have a problem, to know you need to deal with it and to be concerned about how to bring it up with your H.

Most men have fragile ego's, so you are right to be concerned on how to do this.

Do you know your husbands primary and secondary language of love (Dr. Chapman)? For me my primary language of love is touch and my secondary language of love is words of affirmation /praise. What that means for me (and your husband might be different) is that if my wife critisizes me, if feels like she is being "un-loving" to me as complaints are the opposite of praise/affirmation. You may be able to modify the following based on your husbands love languages. 

I have explained to my wife that if she wants to tell me I am doing something wrong (that she is concerned about how I take it), she needs to do the following. Sit me down and touch me such as running her fingers through the hair on my head, while telling me she loves me. Tell me that she loves me because of ....x, y, z. That way I feel loved. Then while continuing to touch me in some way tell me how I can please her more or what it is that I am doing that she hopes I can change. 

He could probably benefit from Chapmans 5 LL as well.

When you talk to your H pay close attention to him. In a Gottman weekend course with my wife, I learned about something she does, which is called emotional flooding. It is a natural response where your fight or flight mode kicks in. Effectively, you hear the beginning of a conversation and then you mind just shuts down as you go into fight or flight mode. The only way to deal with this is to call time out and come back when the person is again in control of their emotions.

A sex therapist could probably also help, but if you want to do some of it yourself, you could read about sensate focus exercises and try to do some of those exercises with your H. Another option is to get a book like the Joy of Sex and tell your H that you want to start at one end and together read through it, then you want to mark those things that you might each like to try. Then once a week or once a month (whatever you feel comfortable with) try one of the sex experiences and if it doesn't work laugh together about how silly it was. 

By all means during and after your talk with your H tell him you love him and can't imagine being with anyone else and that you are not being critcal of him or his skills, you just love him to death and want the sex between the two of you to be the best it can possibly be.

Good luck.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Marnie said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> I'm seeking advice from men and women about how I can talk to my husband about my lack of desire without just complaining or making him feel bad about himself. But, while I'm at it, our issues are:
> 
> ...


I've always been a grabber and pincher myself
I came to the realization that I sucked in bed 20 years in. Now that I look back, she tried to tell me in her own way, but I never got the message. The ONLY thing that got MY attention was starfish sex from my wife. I could just tell she was not into it.
I did some research and worked on myself. 2 years into it, we're having wonderful sex.
Obviously you don't want to wait for another 16 years for him to change. It's kind of like telling someone they have a drinking problem. You can tell them till your blue in the face, but only until they admit it to themselves will true change come. It is VERY difficult for a man to admit to himself or even remotely think that he is less than perfect in bed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rip off the bandaide sister! It will hurt, it will take a while for him to cope with it, but then he has to decide if he is going to figure out how to be a good lover or if he will lick his wounds and pout in a corner the rest of his life.

Tell him exactly what you've stated here, then send him to Amazon to read some books on eroticism, how to please a woman, sensual sex...ect. You two can read them together and learn things that hadn't occurred to either of you.

But rip off that bandaide! It's the only way to fully get his attention other wise you'll be dealing with this exact same issue for a LONG damn time.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> A few observations...
> 
> I get grabby when we haven't had sex in a while. It will go from nice hugs and sweet kisses to obnoxious grabbing and fondling. If you aren't meeting his sexual needs, there's a good chance that is why he gets grabby.
> 
> ...


I am sorry. This is really bad advice. All of it. Don't guide him. You will only wind up resenting him for not manning up. And if he cannot listen to your words, then not orgasming is not on you.

Tolerating what you hate, grabby HE is not "getting enough" is downright BS and would explain why he might get LESS.

Sex is not a competition sport.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Marnie said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> I'm seeking advice from men and women about how I can talk to my husband about my lack of desire without just complaining or making him feel bad about himself. But, while I'm at it, our issues are:
> 
> ...



Paste this into a document. Print it. Give it to him. It is clear, concise, not particularly accusatory. And he needs to hear it in a manner that he cannot just brush off as someone elses' (your) problem.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

UMP, I really commend you for facing the music and coming to grips with the situation. Yes, it is difficult. But you know what?
It takes a bigger man to admit it, than a man that thinks he's great but isn't.

I've lived a pretty naive life sexually and haven't been with a lot of women. Whatever success I have had has pretty much come naturally. I always wonder; 'how do guys learn to be good?' Is it more natural instincts, listening to your partner, watching porn, foolin around in H.S. and college, being with a lot of women; what?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

And by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion there are a lot of guys out there think they're 'great but aint'.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Rip off the bandaide sister! It will hurt, it will take a while for him to cope with it, but then he has to decide if he is going to figure out how to be a good lover or if he will lick his wounds and pout in a corner the rest of his life.
> 
> Tell him exactly what you've stated here, then send him to Amazon to read some books on eroticism, how to please a woman, sensual sex...ect. You two can read them together and learn things that hadn't occurred to either of you.
> 
> But rip off that bandaide! It's the only way to fully get his attention other wise you'll be dealing with this exact same issue for a LONG damn time.


 I read many books, but never processed them into concrete action. Part of the problem, in my mind, was fear. Fear of truly being intimate with someone. It's easy to just f$ck a random person, it's something else to connect on a level that's literally "out of this world."
I believe young men learn how to "f$ck, but they don't learn how to make true love to a woman. Now, don't get me wrong. If I do it right, there is plenty of "f$cking" but not before you open the right door, with the right key, at the right time.
You have to become a sex ninja.
Does that happen after reading a book? I don't know.
I think it's like learning how to cook. It takes YEARS and YEARS of trial and error and a gift from above to truly be a GREAT cook.
Think of how hurt you would be if you slaved for hours cooking a great meal and your entire family said "sorry, but this tastes terrible." Now, that deflation you might feel after your family basically tells you that you are a bad cook is NOTHING compared to the disappointment her husband will feel when she "rips off that bandaid."
Proceed with caution.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> And by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion there are a lot of guys out there think they're 'great but aint'.


I'm not a player, and I haven't been with a large number of women, but they always told me I was good.

I also never for a minute believed them, knowing enough about the perceived fragility of the male ego. Two of them are women for whom I was basically their first partner, so that opinion is also suspect for being inadequately informed. 

It can be tough to get reliable feedback on this one.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Cletus said:


> I'm not a player, and I haven't been with a large number of women, but they always told me I was good.
> 
> I also never for a minute believed them, knowing enough about the perceived fragility of the male ego. Two of them are women for whom I was basically their first partner, so that opinion is also suspect for being inadequately informed.
> 
> It can be tough to get reliable feedback on this one.


For me, real feedback is in the female orgasm. Not discounting the fact that my wife might be a better actress than Meg Ryan, when her entire body convulses and shakes with screams, and such, and can't move for several minutes afterwards, I know I'm in the right neighborhood.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP said:


> I read many books, but never processed them into concrete action. Part of the problem, in my mind, was fear. Fear of truly being intimate with someone. It's easy to just f$ck a random person, it's something else to connect on a level that's literally "out of this world."
> I believe young men learn how to "f$ck, but they don't learn how to make true love to a woman. Now, don't get me wrong. If I do it right, there is plenty of "f$cking" but not before you open the right door, with the right key, at the right time.
> You have to become a sex ninja.
> Does that happen after reading a book? I don't know.
> ...



I get what you're saying and I don't disagree with you. No one becomes an awesome lover until they first decide the want to be. Then they go about learning how. Ripping off that bandaide will reveal to Marnie what her H is made from. Is he going to give up and tag himself out as a lousy lay, or is he going to grow a pair and together with his wife learn what they both need to learn?

I love to cook and am a very good cook. I HAVE slaved for hours and turned out something retch worthy. Most memorable was 3 pumpkin shiffon pies for thanksgiving that were disgusting! I have no idea what I did wrong. But I can taste as well as anyone else you know! If it's a rotten dish, I'll be the first to admit I screwed something up. So if I serve something that flops, it is usually me who brings it up. I am never hurt by someone not liking my cooking, ever. 

Having sex is like scratching backs. You don't get made because they don't know where to scratch. You tell them. Higher, lower, to the right more...no too much. Yes right there, now all over. Ah perfect!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I get what you're saying and I don't disagree with you. No one becomes an awesome lover until they first decide the want to be. Then they go about learning how. Ripping off that bandaide will reveal to Marnie what her H is made from. Is he going to give up and tag himself out as a lousy lay, or is he going to grow a pair and together with his wife learn what they both need to learn?
> 
> I love to cook and am a very good cook. I HAVE slaved for hours and turned out something retch worthy. Most memorable was 3 pumpkin shiffon pies for thanksgiving that were disgusting! I have no idea what I did wrong. But I can taste as well as anyone else you know! If it's a rotten dish, I'll be the first to admit I screwed something up. So if I serve something that flops, it is usually me who brings it up. I am never hurt by someone not liking my cooking, ever.
> 
> Having sex is like scratching backs. You don't get made because they don't know where to scratch. You tell them. Higher, lower, to the right more...no too much. Yes right there, now all over. Ah perfect!


I get that. 
However, my wife get's pretty damned depressed if we don't all like her cooking. She tries so hard. Even if I don't like it very much (unless it's REALLY bad) I usually say it's good.

The problem with men and sex is that they just don't understand what "making love" is all about. It's not all about higher there and lower here. It's a state of mind. It took me 20 years to figure out how to do it right and I don't consider myself a complete idiot, but regarding sex with my wife, I was an idiot.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP, I know some cooks are like that, but I just don't get it. If you saved for days to make a broccoli dish I would hate it and if you took offense to that..well that's your problem!

You could say, "honey you worked so hard to make this dish, I'm sorry to admit it's not one of my favorites. But I love that you put so much effort into it. You make the very best.....listing 4-7 of her signature dishes...but this one just doesn't work for me. If she takes offense to that...her prob.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There is good and bad sex. Who has been the perfect lover to all women? Sometimes the early clumsy sex was darn good because it was new and felt amazing.

Marnie,

You don't have to shoot your husband's ego to shreds. Does he give you good oral sex? There are lots of books about sex. Read something that rings a chord and give it to him to read.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Nothing gets me out of the mood more then when my hubby aggressively grabs, gropes or pinches me as I'm trying to get away from him. Sorry big pet peeve of mine!!


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Without excusing some of his issues... because hey I don't think he's on here, but you are... allow me to ask: exactly what do YOU do to romance HIM and make HIM feel loved?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tommyr said:


> Without excusing some of his issues... because hey I don't think he's on here, but you are... allow me to ask: exactly what do YOU do to romance HIM and make HIM feel loved?


While this is an excellent question, it's not appropriate here. OP was talking about not desiring her husband. If SHE romances HIM, how does that build her desire for him?

He is turning her OFF, and not ON. She wants him to turn her ON, not off. Therefore the burden of behavior changes is on him, not her.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Where I was going with my question is her post makes him sound rather lazy in the relationship. Shame on him! But her post also omits any "work" that SHE brings into the relationship. So I wondered could there be 2 "lazy" people in this marriage?

Marnie, it's good you want to talk to your husband about your lack of desire. Clearly you are looking for some change in the marriage. Assuming he's onboard with making positive changes, consider what are YOU willing to bring into this better/stronger/more passionate marriage? I think that would be helpful to make the conversation more of a "marital partnership strengthening" kind of thing, instead of purely a "here's a list of the things you do that turn me off" talk.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> And by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion there are a lot of guys out there think they're 'great but aint'.


I would agree. But mostly because of years of women....girlfriends,wives not being honest and saying hey I need more of this and less of that. I didn't orgasm yet how about some oral .....you know there's this spot that always seems to get me there want to try to find it!!!!!! let me show you. I getting hot just thinking about showing you it! etc,etc,etc.

being a good lover takes communication on both sides and some.
It amazes me how many women think men should just be able to read their mind regarding sex.

It also takes a man who is willing to listen and is eager to try things the she suggests along with some humor when things get awkward occasionally.


as far a romance and flowers go I think there should be reciprocation.......if your husband dose bring you flowers and surprises you with romantic gestures then the wife needs to surprise him with some lust maybe a surprise blow job/ hand job or something similar.

its a two way street always giving and not getting results into maintance sex which turns into duty sex which turns into f it I'll just rub one out its not worth it sex.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I'm not a player, and I haven't been with a large number of women, but they always told me I was good.
> 
> I also never for a minute believed them, knowing enough about the perceived fragility of the male ego. Two of them are women for whom I was basically their first partner, so that opinion is also suspect for being inadequately informed.
> 
> It can be tough to get reliable feedback on this one.


*YOU* sir are a wise man!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"The problem with men and sex is that they just don't understand what "making love" is all about. It's not all about higher there and lower here. It's a state of mind. It took me 20 years to figure out how to do it right and I don't consider myself a complete idiot, but regarding sex with my wife, I was an idiot."

more wisdom


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Marnie said:


> Lack of curiosity from him: We've been married 4 years and recently he said he didn't even know if I had ever had an orgasm. Never asked. I've read books about how to be better in bed, but he doesn't "believe" in that.


This is the part that concerns me. Not knowing how to please her is one thing. Not caring is another. He wasn't concerned at all about whether she was climaxing? That's a big problem. 

Sounds like he was happy as long as he was getting his.


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