# Reversed Roles???



## BookerNoe (Jul 24, 2009)

My wife and I have been together for nearly 15 years. Overall, I guess things have been pretty good but it has required a lot of compromise by me. I love her but when I sit down and try to understand why, I am at a loss. I always thought that was a good thing, if you don't know why, but you do then it must be true, right? 

The trouble is that I think our roles are somewhat reversed to the norm. I admit that I tend to think about us a bit more than she does, I do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids stuff, etc. I worry about my appearance for her and have been working out for the last few years to keep myself up to par for her. 

I really want to be attracted to her and I want this to work out but so much of me feels that she just continues to push me away. I mean really, there are only a few basic reasons why people stay together. Physical attraction, emotional attraction and history. We have history to the Nth degree. After our first child was born, she took up smoking. She said she would stop but she hasn't (except for the time while she was pregnant with the second child). She has had some family and work stress, whcih I share with her. I understand that makes working out and eating healty difficult but (and not to sound harsh) there went a good part of the physical attraction. 

As for the emotional. This is where I feel she is pushing me away the most. The can be downright mean. She spends most of the time ignoring me by reading or watching TV. When I ask her for help, she barks at me and tells me she'll get to it when SHE is ready. When I try to talk to her about anything she rolls her eyes and I get a deep sigh. I'm not trying to have a deep conversation here, it's just a simple question or short story. 

She just pushes me away at every step. It's like she knows that I am not attracted to laziness, being mean and I am a visual person so it would be nice (but not neccessary) if she looked her best. I could get past the physical if she would treat me better. Thats the problem with being unhealthy, it tends to come with a lot of baggage such as laziness, low self esteem, and anger. I think she is taking a lot of that out on me! 

So, I backed off and left her alone. I tried not to ask anything of her, since she was stressing about her job so much. I tried to let her relax more. I didn't talk to her much and when I did, I still got attitude back. Then, I had enough... 

I told her that I felt she was being somewhat "biting" to me and I couldn't understand why. I mentioned that she was talking down to me a lot. She said, thats who I am and who you married, deal with it" and then proceeded to tell me it was my fault as she might as well be a roomate to me since I have not romanced her into sex lately. So, it is my fault for not finding the window but really when you push someone away, how are they supposed to want to go there? It wasn't easy for me to bring this up. I am not confrontational. After a few weeks of letting it fester and build up, I have a lot to talk about. I don't want to argue, I just want to talk and work it out. Why does it have to turn into a fight all the time. I expect her to get somewhat defensive but to blame me??? 

I don't do all the stuff around the house by choice. I don't like doing it but if I don't, no one will. Also, I do it because I know that she does not like it. I try to make up for it. 

I'd like to think that she needs to decide whether she is the old fashion version of a guy or the woman who deserves to be romanced. I know that I can't be the husband, the old fashions version of the wife, and romance her too. I just want things to be equal. 

So that is my book. Sorry it's such a long one. Thanks for reading. I feel better having gotten it off my chest.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Hey listen - I wear the pants in my marriage. I work full time and teach college part time so I am busy and like it that way - so my tip is this. when i get a little run down because of routine i have business trips - some legitimate some not and take 3 days to travel to a spot ALONE and the distance creates a desire to want to be with my husband since I have not seen him for 3 days. Take a little trip ALONE - have limited contact, be busy and she will be peaked in your absence to realize how much she misses and underappreciates all you do.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Sounds like you are somewhat anti-confrontational. When she starts to fight back, do you back down. 

She does sound like the stereo-type of a old fashioned man... but what you need to do is stand your ground and say what you need to say. When she attacks you, fight back. I'm not saying raise your voice or start yelling or getting into personal attacks or name-calling, but just tell her what's on your mind. She needs to hear it. If it doesn't work, then just stop doing crap for her.

On the other hand, your post is kind of all over the place. You talk about her being mean, being lazy, and other things, but I'm not really sure if there is a main problem you are getting at here, or if it's just a series of smaller problems. There are different issues with each of the things you mentioned.


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## BookerNoe (Jul 24, 2009)

You're right, I hate the confrontation. If it could just be a discussion, it would be fine. I don't like to argue. 

I hate to leave for a few days because that doesn't really solve the problem it just puts a temporary bandaid on the situation. I do travel for work from time to time and it does help a bit... for a little while. 

You're also correct that it is a bunch of small problems that have built up. Each have their own problems and solutions, I am sure. 

I just see these other wives out there (and women in general) who seem to try so hard to make their husbands notice and love them. They make sure they look good, they help around the house and with the kids, they are willing to do things for them and help them... and the guys are absolute jerks to them. Here I am a nice guy, decent looking, I am a good dad, and I do A LOT around the house and she makes no effort to try and keep me happy. So do I need to be a jerk? Is that the key? 

Her idea of trying to make me happy is telling me to go out and get a beer or hit the local bar. It is nice of her, I don't mind the time away but I feel like I am missing something here. 

How do you tell someone that they are mean and taking advantage but keep it a discussion and not a full out fight?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

It's all about approach. Just keep your tone normal, and don't use words that would seem like an attack. Keep on your point. Don't get into the personal attacks. If she still doesn't get it, then you have to move on to something more drastic...


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