# Dumb A** Me Rides Again - I'm Such An Idiot!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, I'm a fool, idiot, dumb a**, sucker, being used, taken advantaged of, disrespected - pretty much anything you want to call me right about now along with upset and pretty pissed off!

Come home tonight and hubby's already in bed, said he's tired and laying down watching TV. Since he's already down for the night I decide to get on the computer and check e-mail.

I happen to notice that there's no history - he's erased it all. Well, ashamed to say that piqued my interest so I checked recently closed tabs and windows and lo and behold, the wool has been pulled over my eyes again and I feel like the biggest idiot on the face of the earth. He visited a live webcam sex site, a few other sites and even took a gander at lonelywifehookups.com (clue here for him - he's got one living with him!!).

So of course I get upset, because like the fool I am I'm thinking some changes have been made after "the incident."

So I decided to test things out and go in the bedroom and ask him if he's interested in a little hanky-panky to which he replies, no, I'm tired, is that all you ever think about? WTF, WTF - you spent part of your day on sex sites, not me. He then goes on to say I've told you, my recovery is more important that's not on my radar screen right now and I just had to flat out tell him he was a liar. That he was being dishonest with me and himself and if he couldn't tell the truth, then we couldn't ever fix the problem.

I then asked him just to be honest and tell me what the hell the problem really was - had I aged out, was I too old, was he not attracted to me, what - that I'm working on no information and misinformation and I'd like the truth no matter how much it hurts. Well, he immediately turned true to form and clammed up and told me discussion was over - what discussion, "we" didn't have one. He then said I was selfish and only cared about sex, not him. I told him it was like air, when you don't have any it becomes your #1 priority. That I'd been advised by my counselor and support group to take care of me also and that I need to take care of myself, along with him and that I had needs that needed to be addressed on occasion too - that it couldn't all be about him (no answer of course).

I told him that he was disrespecting me and that everyone had their limits and boundaries and that I did too. 

I then disgraced myself even further by asking him if he would play with me while I masturbated (I was horny), he finally agreed to after rolling his eyes and acting like I asked him to cut his own throat. So he did, while I did - all the time tears streaming down my face as to what I've become. I almost felt like a wh***.

After I was finished, I thanked him (yes, I did) and left the room.

Now, I'm deciding how much more of this I can take.

If he's not interested in sex because of his issues, why does he keep lying to me and telling me he isn't, but visiting porn sites - I just don't get this, I really don't and he won't admit it, won't explain it and I'm just so darn frustrated I just want to hit something!!

Now, he's in bed, I'm on the computer, getting s***faced and wondering why I'm in this sorry mess, why I love this man, why I've spent 27 years of my life with him and why I can't just walk out the door.

I'm not really expecting any advice, etc., because I will read it, but I've already made my decision to stick things out - but I'm trying to work on how to not feel short-changed and shafted all the time.

I'm working on setting boundaries, I told him he disrespected me and I will only accept so much from him - but deep down he knows darn well I won't leave and he's right...so how do I enforce boundaries when I won't leave so that's a boundary that won't even work for me.

Just sitting here typing this I realize how darn pitiful and needy I am and I don't know what happened to turn me that way - I didn't used to be like this and I don't know why this man has such a hold on me, especially when I'm giving, giving, giving and not getting crap in return!

Just wanted to vent - I'm just so frustrated and angry, angry, angry!!!!!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is a horrible feeling. To not give your partner the most basic of sexual needs and then get the same old tired refrain "is sex all you think about?" I've been there...actually I'm there now. 

I hope it gets better for you.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sinnister said:


> This is a horrible feeling. To not give your partner the most basic of sexual needs and then get the same old tired refrain "is sex all you think about?" I've been there...actually I'm there now.
> 
> I hope it gets better for you.


Thanks - it won't until I get wise enough and leave.

Apparently I'm just too stupid to do that right now.

I'm sorry you're in the same sorry, pissy situation I'm in.

You know, they say that denial of sexual intimacy is a form of abuse - sure feels like it to me.

Boy I sure suck at picking them, the ex hit me and this one abuses me in different ways (although this one hit me, strike that - beat me up last month), so guess there both the same, maybe I should have just stayed single.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> dont stay in your pitty party too long. know when its time to leave. you have two legs, stand up and use them.
> 
> you have to believe in your self. you are a strong person. you are worth it. nobody has the right to make you feel unworthy. you deserve love too. you are a good person.
> 
> ...


Thanks - just don't have the fortitude or strength right now.

Here I sit feeling like a piece of s*** and he's sleeping like a baby - how do people crap all over you and sleep soundly...I've never understood that, but wait - isn't that the definition of a psycopath?

Yeah, tomorrow is a brand new day and it's looking better all the time, especially after the 6 beers I've already had!

Thanks again.


----------



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

(((((((((((((((mwil))))))))))))))))


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

janesmith said:


> (((((((((((((((mwil))))))))))))))))


Yeah...I know.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You know, I just thought of something.

Could "he" be giving me a test?

He has said often, since his brain injury, that he thinks I'm just staying with him out of pity...not true obviously or I would have hit the road already.

So, do you think he just keeps pushing and pushing me to find out if i really will stay or leave and then he can say, see I was right?

Could that be part of what's going on?

Okay, I know I'm grasping at straws, but I'm drunk and would like to feel a little better before I fall into bed with the SOB (my pet name for him tonight).

So, test, no-test or just an a**hole?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Do you have ANY idea how much you helped me?! Do you remember what I PM'd you?
Guess what? He did the same thing to his wife. She contacted me 3 weeks ago to testify. I have an unlisted number and made certain to get away from the psycho. She found me despite my blocking of him. 
I fly out next week to testify in her divorce and make certain that the entire world knows EXACTLY what kind of piece of **** that guy really is. He is about to be disbarred and it couldn't have happened to a nicer ****.
It was because of YOU that I gained this strength. Do you know this?! Where is YOUR voice?!?! You helped me. Do you know this? How can I help you?!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Seriously, If I was you & was this hell bound & determined to stay, stick it out & love this man till his dying breathe, I would at the very least find myself a Lover who had the desire to be with a woman for some Giving & receiving - to help fill some of these very lonely horny nights. Reading how your cried while he rolled his eyes to take care of you -- This is like being pulled apart by horses or something, very very hurtful & demeaning to the human spirit. 

You have suffered so very much here, we can not even fathom, such sacrifices for this man, while he continues to Jack to porn, denies & refuses you the most basic human of affections. 

I know you won't do it anyway, but hey, as for me, it would be the only way in H*** I personally could remain in such shoes as yours.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Do you have ANY idea how much you helped me?! Do you remember what I PM'd you?
> Guess what? He did the same thing to his wife. She contacted me 3 weeks ago to testify. I have an unlisted number and made certain to get away from the psycho. She found me despite my blocking of him.
> I fly out next week to testify in her divorce and make certain that the entire world knows EXACTLY what kind of piece of **** that guy really is. He is about to be disbarred and it couldn't have happened to a nicer ****.
> It was because of YOU that I gained this strength. Do you know this?! Where is YOUR voice?!?! You helped me. Do you know this? How can I help you?!


Yes I do and I'm glad it helped you.

Unfortunately I can't seem to help myself.

I'm desperately clinging to someone who treats me like crap - though he didn't used to, but then again, since his brain injury, he's not who I knew anyway, but he needs taken care of, I do love him, I'm hoping that if I hang on a magic fairy will come and wave her wand and it will be like it was, etc., etc.

I don't know what I need, I don't know how to help myself or what to ask from others to help myself.

I'm lost, lonely, discouraged, frustrated, angry, pissed, just about any adjective (negative) that you could come up with at this point.

What does help is people that will listen, just listen...no judging, no admonishments, no you're crazy and a fool, leave him. Hell, I know all of that. I may be stupid when it comes to him, but I'm a college-educated pretty smart gal, but apparently stupid when it comes to the men in my life. I know where it comes from, I've already discussed it with my counselor - some bad childhood issues, but knowing and overcoming is two different things - easier said than done.

I'm glad that anything I said or did helped you and I appreciate your offer - the only thing I can say is you will help if you just listen...let me vent and listen.

Constructive advice helps too - not any of that you dumb a**, etc., I already know that - something tangible, something I can do and am willing to do - if anyone has read my threads they know what my decisions are and where my stance is concerning my husband - so help me from there.

Thanks and good luck in court!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Seriously, If I was you & was this hell bound & determined to stay, stick it out & love this man till his dying breathe, I would at the very least find myself a Lover who had the desire to be with a woman for some Giving & receiving - to help fill some of these very lonely horny nights. Reading how your cried while he rolled his eyes to take care of you -- This is like being pulled apart by horses or something, very very hurtful & demeaning to the human spirit.
> 
> You have suffered so very much here, we can not even fathom, such sacrifices for this man, while he continues to Jack to porn, denies & refuses you the most basic human of affections.
> 
> I know you won't do it anyway, but hey, as for me, it would be the only way in H*** I personally could remain in such shoes as yours.


Yeah, but see - you apparently have some brains.

I appear to be the dumb s*** here.

Thanks for at least speaking out - I think I'm drunk enough to head off to bed, have to get up early for work tomorrow.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Shame you have invested 25 years into this relationship. You know, just like doctors are the worst patients, you give good advice, but don't follow it yourself. Might be rude, but you deserve a man to enter your life for a small period, so he can show you how to be a woman again. That, or leave the ass. 

However, this is not what you want. Therefore I cannot offer you anything but support. Dont try to rationalize his behavior in any way. Women do that all the time, but don't. Just keep in your mind that he is being a douche or worse. He is depraving you of all your selfworth by acting like that and you fall for it by rationalizing it, hoping for the best etc. Take everything he does at face value, no hidden meaning and that could help. It might even help you see the situation you are in. 

Sorry if my advice is somewhat harsh, but I really grew up around women. Got to know their strength, the endurance they have for the ones thy love, and seeing a man mistreat a woman just pisses me off to no end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MW,
This is not you. Not you. Not ............... You

A couple observations here about male "solo" sexual behavior. He is not self stimulating solely for arousal. He is self pleasuring to completion. Which means that when you got to him he was almost certainly completely, hmmmm, drained of desire literally and figuratively. 

That said I will make the gender neutral statement that his behavior is completely hateful. He had plenty of non-hard penis ways to touch you, please you and make you feel desired and loved. Instead he went into total blameshifting mode. VERY ugly. 

How did he behave sexually before the TMI? Was he selfish/lazy/low drive? Or was he caring, loving and considerate? 

I feel bad for you. No one deserves to be treated like this. 

You aren't dumb - merely tenacious. Sorry this is so painful for you. FWIW I firmly believe that once the LD partner totally shuts down constructive conversation, it becomes impossible to improve this type situation. 





MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, I'm a fool, idiot, dumb a**, sucker, being used, taken advantaged of, disrespected - pretty much anything you want to call me right about now along with upset and pretty pissed off!
> 
> Come home tonight and hubby's already in bed, said he's tired and laying down watching TV. Since he's already down for the night I decide to get on the computer and check e-mail.
> 
> ...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Shame you have invested 25 years into this relationship. You know, just like doctors are the worst patients, you give good advice, but don't follow it yourself. Might be rude, but you deserve a man to enter your life for a small period, so he can show you how to be a woman again. That, or leave the ass.
> 
> However, this is not what you want. Therefore I cannot offer you anything but support. Dont try to rationalize his behavior in any way. Women do that all the time, but don't. Just keep in your mind that he is being a douche or worse. He is depraving you of all your selfworth by acting like that and you fall for it by rationalizing it, hoping for the best etc. Take everything he does at face value, no hidden meaning and that could help. It might even help you see the situation you are in.
> 
> ...


I know, i suck at taking my own advice, don't a lot of us?

Easier to advise someone else what to do than to take that step yourself.

Thanks for the pep talk, didn't sleep hardly at all - maybe an hour and had some really strange dreams? One about an IPAD and I don't even have one, one about someone calling to tell me my son was in jail and needed help bailing out and then of course i went over and over and over everything that happened last night. Weird...maybe it was the beer! 

He got up in the middle of the night and slept on his couch, when he woke up about 3:30 AM, saw I was up and asked if I was going to work today - I said yes, you can get that panicked look off your face, don't worry I won't be hanging around asking for anything from you - you could almost "feel" his relief, kind of funny in a weird, twisted way.

You know, he is a *********, a big handsome, turns me on ********* and I'm nuts about him and he's an a**.

Boy - maybe I need more counseling or a second counselor, I'm pretty messed up somehow.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> MW,
> This is not you. Not you. Not ............... You
> 
> A couple observations here about male "solo" sexual behavior. He is not self stimulating solely for arousal. He is self pleasuring to completion. Which means that when you got to him he was almost certainly completely, hmmmm, drained of desire literally and figuratively.
> ...


You know, the intellectual side of me knows that it's NOT ME, but someone needs to get my heart to understand it, big disconnect there.

The weird thing is, he's not jacking off to this stuff - seriously, he has problems with ED and i know its not happening (don't ask how, but I know). So that's what I don't understand...if he's not pleasuring himself, then why the hell watch? He wasn't drained, etc., he just didn't want me - seriously - I think this is the issue - me - whether I'm not his type anymore, I'm too old, I don't know.

Things weren't like this before the TBI. We were quite active sexually with no rejection, no spending it all on porn on the internet, etc. One thing you need to know is that he had a minor stroke about 10 years ago and then this issue in 2008. So the sexual issues began at the same time - 10 years ago. After getting rejected thousands of times I gave up for a while and thought he would come to me and it didn't happen. Now I know for a fact that he was jacking off himself during that period and of course, now its my fault. He seems to have completely forgotten that he was rejecting me, not the other way around. And the incident in 2008 has just made it worse. It's almost like he's using this as an "excuse" to behave like he wants, to justify his behavior and then of course shifts the blame of everything to me which further justifies to himself what he's doing.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means. I can be too emotional, I talk a lot, I need attention sometimes, etc. And he's just the opposite - a loner that wants to be married. We are total opposites on the spectrum of emotions, etc. And the stroke and TBI didn't help at all, it just made those differences more glaring. 

That's why I mentioned the "haircut" in my previous thread. For more than 10 years he hasn't cared how I like his hair and got it buzzed, then all of a sudden he leaves it long and says he just needed a change...and then I find out he was on lonely wife hookups, I may be ignorant - but 2 and 2 still equals 4 to me!

No, he's not doing anything, if he's not a home, he's at the VA four days a week for his appointments - I just don't understand why he keeps looking - for God sake's, the SOB is married - hello, he's married. Do that crap when you're single.

Well, anyway, have to get ready for work and spend another day wondering what hubby is doing with strangers on his computer again - sometimes I just hate my life!!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

So back to square #1 for me.

Haven't spoken to hubby, he won't take my calls, so I guess it will be more of the ignore the wife, pretend she's not here and let her know I just don't give a damn tonight and a week before our 26th anniversary - guess that will suck, huh?

Hell, I was only calling to remind him of a dr appt this morning - left a message (that he won't listen to), and sent a text that he won't read.

I did talk to my counselor and he is not surprised that the porn behavior hasn't changed and that he is denying it. Said what he's said before, I can leave or accept things as they are and hope they change. That it's "my" choice and I am the only one who can make that decision and I'm the only one that has to live with it.

I just don't know how "long" I can do it. Do I put a timetable on it, what? Brain injuries can heal slowly and sometimes not heal at all. So do I wait 5 years, 10 years, until I'm too old to do anything for myself, what?

I'm just soooooooo confusedddddddd. I feel like I can't get my feet under me. And him ignoring me doesn't help! But I do understand that this is how a man deals, shuts himself off to think things through - but it drives us women absolutely crazy.

Who knows, maybe he's packing his stuff and going to run away from home again like he did last fall. It actually might be a relief the way I'm feeling right now.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He is showing you who he is, and what he wants or doesn't want etc, You need to believe him. I'm sorry this is happening.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> He is showing you who he is, and what he wants or doesn't want etc, You need to believe him. I'm sorry this is happening.


You're absolutely right and the same thing my counselor said. 

So bottom line, I either accept and stay or leave, my decision.

I'm sorry too.


----------



## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Thats unbelieveable,I feel sorry for you thats not right a woman deserves love!!!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I just don't know how "long" I can do it. Do I put a timetable on it, what? Brain injuries can heal slowly and sometimes not heal at all. So do I wait 5 years, 10 years, until I'm too old to do anything for myself, what?


I know you don't want to hear this. Not sure why I am saying it. You said that your first relationship (husband) used to hit you. Now you are tolerating this crap. It is not strength you lack. Any victim of abuse, yes you are a victim of abuse whether you want to see it or not, does not lack strength. 

You are a victim. Until YOU decide not to be one anymore, with this jerk or the next, you are still going to be a victim. He treats you worse than a$$, and you remind him of his doctor's appointments. And give him his meds. You lied to protect him when he beat you up. One incident? Mmm mmm it isn't. Just because he has not struck you again? 



> Who knows, maybe he's packing his stuff and going to run away from home again like he did last fall. It actually might be a relief the way I'm feeling right now.


Do it.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Have you ever asked a counselor why it is you gravitate towards abusive people? I think someone had mentioned before about you getting involved in a support group for abuse victims. I was thinking you had said you talk to counselors and doctors and abuse wasn't the real issue. I think it is an issue and must have been before at one point in another relationship as well. 

I understand you may want alot of the focusing to be more on your husband and him getting proper help, but part of your help and recovery will be getting to the bottom of why you are involved with men who treat you like this.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I know you don't want to hear this. Not sure why I am saying it. You said that your first relationship (husband) used to hit you. Now you are tolerating this crap. It is not strength you lack. Any victim of abuse, yes you are a victim of abuse whether you want to see it or not, does not lack strength.
> 
> You are a victim. Until YOU decide not to be one anymore, with this jerk or the next, you are still going to be a victim. He treats you worse than a$$, and you remind him of his doctor's appointments. And give him his meds. You lied to protect him when he beat you up. One incident? Mmm mmm it isn't. Just because he has not struck you again?
> 
> Do it.


Okay, okay - have some faith - I do actually read and listen to what people say, now whether I agree or follow their advice, a different story...I have been accused of being tenacious and bullheaded (no surprise I'm sure).

I'm too entangled emotionally to objectively view and/or act on my situation. Those are the actual words from my counselor. I need to "detach." Very hard for someone with my personality type. Especially because this is my husband we're talking about, not my mother, child, etc. 

I know, I need to decide when to not be a victim, but unfortunately I'm just not there yet - other people would have already been gone - but I'm pretty tolerant (maybe too so in this case), so it takes a lot for me to finally admit defeat.

But I do hear you and will take what you've said into consideration.

Perhaps I just need to not post my issues anymore because I'm sure everyone is getting tired of hearing about them since I've made the decision (as of now), not to leave.

Anyway...thanks - you are always straight to the point and whether I agree or not, I do appreciate it.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, okay - have some faith - I do actually read and listen to what people say, now whether I agree or follow their advice, a different story...I have been accused of being tenacious and bullheaded (no surprise I'm sure).


<-- You don't owe me anything. You don't even owe me a read!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MWIL - one suggestion - start one thread and just run with it. Men's Clubhouse, General Forum, wherever.

I understand why this is in the Sex section, but your issues are much deeper than just being unsatisfied or having mis-matched sex drives.

So sorry you are having to deal with ALL of this.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Have you ever asked a counselor why it is you gravitate towards abusive people? I think someone had mentioned before about you getting involved in a support group for abuse victims. I was thinking you had said you talk to counselors and doctors and abuse wasn't the real issue. I think it is an issue and must have been before at one point in another relationship as well.
> 
> I understand you may want alot of the focusing to be more on your husband and him getting proper help, but part of your help and recovery will be getting to the bottom of why you are involved with men who treat you like this.


Can't argue with that. :iagree:


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> MWIL - one suggestion - start one thread and just run with it. Men's Clubhouse, General Forum, wherever.
> 
> I understand why this is in the Sex section, but your issues are much deeper than just being unsatisfied or having mis-matched sex drives.
> 
> So sorry you are having to deal with ALL of this.


Good idea, but I thought since there was sexual content involved it needed to be in this section.

Thanks - will look into that, but think everyone is worn out by me now.

But I do appreciate those that have taken the time to respond, it does help, more than you know.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> <-- You don't owe me anything. You don't even owe me a read!


I beg to differ with you, if you take the time to read, then I owe you the courtesy of at least reading what you had to say, whether I agree or not. Mama raised me right!


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

my only suggestion is to maybe fight fire with fire?? Take something that he gets from you that maybe he has taken for granted and stop. (maybe like cooking dinner, or maybe cleaning in clothes, or something along those lines...you would know better then me obviously) and wait till he confronts you, then do what he isnt doing and talk. This may seem petty, but if it can in any way help him to be even remotely close to you situation, then maybe he could begin to see.

I am really new to these boards so I obviously dont know the whole story, but this is about all I could even begin to think of if leaving isnt an option.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Drayvius said:


> my only suggestion is to maybe fight fire with fire?? Take something that he gets from you that maybe he has taken for granted and stop. (maybe like cooking dinner, or maybe cleaning in clothes, or something along those lines...you would know better then me obviously) and wait till he confronts you, then do what he isnt doing and talk. This may seem petty, but if it can in any way help him to be even remotely close to you situation, then maybe he could begin to see.
> 
> I am really new to these boards so I obviously dont know the whole story, but this is about all I could even begin to think of if leaving isnt an option.


Thanks, I'm trying to detach some and carve out a life for me. I'm into day #4 and it's going well and has caused him a little confusion so that's good - that's what I'm trying to do.

Still issues, but I'm feeling better and I hope some emotional detachment on my part will cause action on his.

We'll see!!


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

It is hard to leave a crappy situation. however the looking at live crap would be the end of the line for me. As far as i know my husband isn't doing that. Boundaries can only be pushed so far. Porn is a big no no for me. I am a wife who is willing to meet my husbands need anytime and anywhere even if i am not it the mood (which i am always in the mood)

People hate change and leaving is a BIG change. He does not take you seriously that enough is enough because he know you will not leave him. You are not dumb. You need to find your self again and ask your self what you really want.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thanks - it won't until I get wise enough and leave.
> 
> Apparently I'm just too stupid to do that right now.
> 
> ...


You *are *wise enough, just not strong enough at this point to leave. It's normal, especially after more than 25 years.
If you keep attracting abuse, you have self esteem issues. Trust me, I had the same problems before I married. Try to work on loving yourself, once you leave this prick.


----------

