# Should You Be Nice?



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I've been ruminating on this for a long time.

From the crib, we're taught to say "please" and "thank you". We're taught to "share". It's not one of our natural traits.

Of course, manners and good conduct are the stuff of civil life. It's impossible to organize society without law-abiding citizens who respect the rules.

From childhood on, we form images of self as we take feedback from the world. We may consider ourselves "take charge guys" or "worker bees". We may like to "come through" and "fix things". This gives us pleasure.

Our parents taught us to be generous. But, how generous should we be? God tells us to tithe @10 percent. What happens to the rest? Do we help people with it? We certainly pay our own bills and - as men - we often make strong efforts to provide for our families.

How much is enough. Do we know? From the look and content of this BBS, this is where many people run into trouble. Being "nice" somehow becomes our mission. And, we can go twist ourselves out of shape being nice IF we depend on the view of others to shape our view of ourselves.

In Anthony DeMello's book "Awareness", he does away with the facade associated with how people treat each other. He even says the whole "I'm ok, You're ok" thought pattern should be tossed out the window and replaced with "I'm an ass", "You're an ass". He basically asks why we EXPECT other people to give us our way? Why SHOULD we expect it? They're in this for them.

As men, it seems many of us suspend common sense when it comes to our wives. The reverse may also be true. All too many men replace the things which made them interesting and unique with an overall mission to "keep her happy"

While there is more than a grain of truth in the old saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", it's much trickier than it seems. If you simply suspend your own life to "make mama happy", you can almost expect Mama to eventually lose interest in this doormat of a man she has in her house. I read post after post from men who have no earthly idea what to do when their wife gives them the ILYBINILWY speech. It's much worse than just not knowing what to do without her. It's not knowing what to do PERIOD. Year after year of submitting your needs to her leaves you with what?

Chances are, it leaves you with poor personal habits and quite often it leaves you in poor health.

If you see yourself in these paragraphs, you've got plenty of company.

But, the key question is... what can you do to get out of this hole you've dug for yourself. She now expects you to meet her every request with little or no resistance. How can you tell the difference between what you "should do" and what is over the line?

It's actually quite an easy distinction, but it takes some introspection. Simply think of it this way, "Am I ok doing this if I get nothing in return" Yes, no great opportunity to knock boots, no appreciation, no nothing. Would you do this based on its own merits and based on YOUR own self-image.

If the answer is no, then YOUR answer should be no.

But, in our hearts, we WANT to answer "yes". So, we create these intricate little bargains with ourselves to justify extending ourselves. "She'll really appreciate this.... or 'the stepkids will really start to see me in a new way if I do xxxx'

Trust me, that second kind of thinking is the road to hell.

When no one ends up doing anything for you - and chances are they WILL not..........

How will you feel?

Read the posts here.

You know exactly how you'll feel.

Why would you choose that for yourself?

If the only way to be "nice" in a given situation is to do it with expectations of some return? Do not do it.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not ever.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I love most of this, however i will say there are great merits in being kind and genuine. If you are a **** by nature more power to you(just to clarify I think the OP is making a point not specifically saying this about himself).

Being genuine is absolutely necessary to a healthy relationship. Being considerate and understanding is never going to make a woman lose interest in you. However if you offer little of substance as an individual because you use your relationships as part of your idenity then you are definitely setting yourself up for failure.

The idea "nice guys always finish last" should read "boring guys always finish last." It has nothing to do with being nice, it has everything to do with being ok with being out of control. If you don't care what happens in your marriage as long as you have her/him, then you are going to lose. Plain and simple if you let yourself be complacenet with just trying to please him/her you will always find that happiness is never there. 

Happiness isn't about what we get in life but the sacrafice we make to ultimately provide and care for those we care for. This goes both ways and if you find your singificant other doesn't sacrifice for you then you are probably going to be spending a lot of time thinking "why not me?" as well as eventually find unwanted papers.

Keeping personal identity and your own interests and activities will help in keeping the significant others ineterst or at the very least keep you happy with you. Work on yourself and life falls into place. 

I agree on much of this and agree that you have to be satisifed with your own values and if it doesn't work with your signficant others then it's never going to work well. If you aren't playing the game by the rules you have, then your always going to lose.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> Being genuine is absolutely necessary to a healthy relationship. Being considerate and understanding is never going to make a woman lose interest in you. However if you offer little of substance as an individual because you use your relationships as part of your identity then you are definitely setting yourself up for failure.
> 
> Keeping personal identity and your own interests and activities will help in keeping the significant others interest or at the very least keep you happy with you. Work on yourself and life falls into place.


There is compromise, which is part of any healthy relationship. However, if that leads to a betrayal of oneself for the sake of a spouse, that is unhealthy. When that happens, a person can lose himself in a marriage and that's part of being a "nice guy". 

In my case, it was as if my own life was on hold for the past two years, as I forgot how to work on my goals and patching the leaks to keep my marriage afloat became a fulltime job.

My motto was "happy wife, happy life". I forgot that part of the equation was also looking out for me.

I've grieved my marriage. I still have rough and sad moments, but the worst of the pain is over. Now I need to rediscover what makes me tick, and what I want/need out of life. I will be a very considerate partner to the next woman in my life, but never again will I let myself fall into the nice guy trap again.

Make sense?


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> I will be a very considerate partner to the next woman in my life, but never again will I let myself fall into the nice guy trap again.


Love it! I agree, I just think the emphasis of being a kind person isn't the problem. You hit the nail on the head. You need to be a self adjusted and grounded person. Keep the "you" portion of the marraige and stop hyperfocusing on the "her."

I hope it's getting better each day, I know that you've got a good future ahead based on the few words you've written here.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I think you're missing a key point.

No one says don't be kind and considerate.

It's vital that you do things you wish to do with NO expectation of anything in return.

It's the disappointment and resentment associated with unmet expectations that poisons the relationship.

And, that poison is much more toxic than any momentary disappointment over something, some item, or some act of service that someone else doesn't get.


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