# disconnected from husband outside attractions



## lostinwonder (Oct 14, 2008)

Hi. I just need to say that this is going to be long winded because there is so much going on in my head. I am 39, married to my husband of 13 years (been together 20), 2 kids 10 and 6.

To all our accuaintances, everything looks normal and happy. We are not financially burdened, live in a beautiful home in the country, have two fantastic little kids. 

I am living in shame and guilt and it has caused me to have severe bouts of depression and anxiety. I talked to a psychologyst once and that was that (about a year ago). I know I need to go again and see if there's something bigger in the picture. All she said is that I seem to be "hard on myself". I can't stop being hard on myself for some reason.

The situation has stemmed from something I knew I was doing that was inappropriate - funny thing is, nothing ever happened that was overstepping bounds - I was just realized that I became *addicted* to some attention from a male friend (parent of one of my daughter's classmates). I thought it was just a plutonic feeling, but then I noticed I was thinking about this guy a lot and comparing him to my hubby. The sick thing is, I never even talked about anything personal. And no opportunity for anything came up - he was just a friend who I enjoyed talking to that ended up being a bit of a fantasy. I ended up telling my husband of my attraction (approx a year ago) and I have regretted it ever since. I only hurt him and the problem has never gone away. I am ashamed and embarassed that I can't seem to get my emotions in control over this. Now when I see him, I practically run the other direction. My husband hates this guy and he didn't even do anything. I never thought I'd feel so out of control. At the time when this was happening, I was at a heightened state of self image or self esteem. I was feeling very good about myself to the point were I have started wondeing if I'm bipolar. My self esteem has plummited over this last year because I hate myself for having these feelings. Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I never thought I'd go through anything like this. 

I still see this guy once in a while - only at school. I have not attempted any conversation with him because I am trying to rid the attraction from my mind. Like I said, I practically run the other way or pretend I don't notice him. The problem is - how do you rid yourself of an attraction? I realize I am not attracted to *him*, but just my own *fantasy* of what could have been with someone other than my husband. Fantasies are just that - fantasies. THe grass is not greener. In fact, from what I do know, I would probably be miserable on that other side. 
This is what's killing me inside. I love my husband, but I realize now, that we were both alcoholics when we lived together for 5 years, we got married when we both still drank heavily. Our lives were based around it. I quit drinking 9 years ago (he only occasionally drinks a couple beers). As I look back (which I wish I could stop doing), I see really nothing that should have brought us together. His family was made up of alcoholics, mine is very clean and normal and loving. We didn't get any marriage counselling. We have fought on and off - sometimes very loudly and verbally violent. Never physical. I am living with this nagging thought that the red flags were there from the beginning and I was so blinded that I didn't see them, or so stubborn that I didn't want to see them. Now it has compounded the saddness because I know it could have been prevented. 

I am rambling, but I really need to get this off my chest. I have always had obsessions - always had a severe shy and very moody personality (probably why I drank so much). Now I have put myself in a life where I feel utterly alone (I don't have any close friends or family around here). Basically what I'm trying to say is at times I think I married the wrong person. Our personalities are so different. He has a hard time listening, can be quite loud, then retreats into himself. I am quiet and moody and sentimental. He is not a very empathetic person, something that saddens me at times. At times, I am uncertain that he ever loved me.

I have two kids in the mix. I have decided that I am not going to leave my husband. WE are good friends and we still love eachother. I have decided that we have a huge history and I love him. I just don't feel "in love" anymore. I'm trying to feel it. He has grown up over the years and I respect him for what he's overcome having two alcoholic parents (both now deceased due to drinking themselves to death) and a brother who's a homeless drug addict and a sister who is an alcoholic as well. I have tried to focus on these characteristics of my husband, the strength he has gained by going through a bad childhood and coming out of it still able to smile at life. 

I didn't want to paint my husband like a fool. He has a huge heart, is super intelligent, is good looking, and has been so supportive of me over the last year or so. He loves me even after I admitted this "crush" and it makes me feel even worse.

I just wonder, when does an attraction to someone finally go away. How do you get control over it? I know I would never leave my husband for anyone else so why is it bothering me so much? Why have I made such a mountain out of a molehill? Is that part of an obsessive personality? The truly pathetic thing is that this guy knows NOTHING about this and he would probably be shocked that I made so much out of it - my head is only playing games with me. I know you are going to say that I need to see a phychologist....and I know eventually I will again. 

Thanks for reading this huge post - I appreciate it. What would be really helpful right now is if I heard that other people have lived with attractions in their marriage and gotten over them. Wishful thinking?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lostinwonder said:


> I just wonder, when does an attraction to someone finally go away. How do you get control over it? I know I would never leave my husband for anyone else so why is it bothering me so much? Why have I made such a mountain out of a molehill? Is that part of an obsessive personality? The truly pathetic thing is that this guy knows NOTHING about this and he would probably be shocked that I made so much out of it - my head is only playing games with me. I know you are going to say that I need to see a phychologist....and I know eventually I will again.


no psychologist necessary, unless you want to. how long before an attraction goes away? sometimes not for a long time. sometimes they last forever. you've captured lightning in a bottle in your fantasy mind. that's a tough one to erase. i just had a chance encounter with an old flame...26 years since i last saw her. she was ten years older than me when we were an item. that would make her 56 now. age has treated her fine and i found that the same attraction is still there, but i have a wife. and a commitment. so i had to put the flame out. it's sad in a way because when we were dating 26 years ago, she said "if we ever end up moving on and apart, i'm gonna hire a detective to find you and see how you are doing."

so here i am 26 years later, suffering thru the most painful separation in the world, and i have to say "thank you, but no thanks."

so the answer is your feeling may never fade.


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## lostinwonder (Oct 14, 2008)

Thanks for sharing your story. Do you think of her daily? And thanks for reading my post. I know the right thing to do is focus on my family and all the good qualities in my husband. Maybe the attraction will never go away, like you said. The lame thing is that I don't even know what I'm attracted to.....just a kind person who offered some attention at a time in my life when I was feeling needy. The thing that gets me is that I'm still doing the comparing thing in my mind - wondering what if....this is not good for me or our marriage. How do you shut off thoughts? It's horrible to have this brain - at least this part of it. 
I love my husband on a deep level, but the attraction that actually sets off a chemical reaction is very addictive....I think that's what this is more about, my addictive personality. I have to let this go, and forgive myself for just having feelings. 
I think I have always had a special love for my first boyfriend too, who I was with for 5 years just prior to my husband. I have never had any time without a man.....wish I had now so I could have discovered what it was like to be single. Doesn't do any good to look back now.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You have a very firm grasp on this situation. You know you’d likely be miserable if you actually did have a relationship with this man. In fact it would be very likely he might reject you if you approached him. You are doing the right thing by avoiding encounters with him. Yes, you need to focus on your husband and family. While you love him deeply don’t be discouraged that you don’t have that “in love” feeling. Eros love is impossible to keep over time but a deep and respectful love is. Your husband has some faults, we all do, but he sounds like he has some great qualities. As you look at other couples you know do you feel you are lucky in comparison? If so keep that in mind when fantasy man enters it. Spend time with your husband. Date, laugh and do things as a family. The closer you can grow back to him the easier it will be to let go of TOM. There was never anything there in the first place. While you question your marriage now a couple with a 20 year history has been doing something right. If you are feeling alone try and invest some time in finding friends. Someone “safe” that won’t offer an attraction and live a bit out of the family. Good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amplexor said:


> You have a very firm grasp on this situation. You know you’d likely me miserable if you actually did have a relationship with this man. In fact it would be very likely he might reject you if you approached him. You are doing the right thing by avoiding encounters with him. Yes, you need to focus on your husband and family. While you love him deeply don’t be discouraged that you don’t have that “in love” feeling. Eros love is impossible to keep over time but a deep and respectful love is. Your husband has some faults, we all do, but he sounds like he has some great qualities. As you look at other couples you know do you feel you are lucky in comparison? If so keep that in mind when fantasy man enters it. Spend time with your husband. Date, laugh and do things as a family. The closer you can grow back to him the easier it will be to let go of TOM. There was never anything there in the first place. While you question your marriage now a couple with a 20 year history has been doing something right. If you are feeling alone try and invest some time in finding friends. Someone “safe” that won’t offer an attraction and live a bit out of the family. Good luck.


I agree, :iagree: Find a way to put that energy, and opassion into your husband and you will be a-okay.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lostinwonder said:


> Thanks for sharing your story. Do you think of her daily? And thanks for reading my post. I know the right thing to do is focus on my family and all the good qualities in my husband. Maybe the attraction will never go away, like you said. The lame thing is that I don't even know what I'm attracted to.....just a kind person who offered some attention at a time in my life when I was feeling needy. The thing that gets me is that I'm still doing the comparing thing in my mind - wondering what if....this is not good for me or our marriage. How do you shut off thoughts? It's horrible to have this brain - at least this part of it.
> I love my husband on a deep level, but the attraction that actually sets off a chemical reaction is very addictive....I think that's what this is more about, my addictive personality. I have to let this go, and forgive myself for just having feelings.
> I think I have always had a special love for my first boyfriend too, who I was with for 5 years just prior to my husband. I have never had any time without a man.....wish I had now so I could have discovered what it was like to be single. Doesn't do any good to look back now.


do i think of her DAILY??? yes, we were very connected. too much, too fast. the thing i miss the most about her was the unbelievable friendship we had. she took care of a wheelchair bound woman all through broadcast school, just an unbelievable heart.

just "tell your heart" that there are many kinds of loves. the guy from the past is a "was" love, your husband is an "is" love.

understand, my sweetheart from 26 years ago, my wife knows the story, thinks it's sweet, and that's it. i'll feel the same way about my wife for the rest of my life. but i'll always have that place in my heart for that "lightning in a bottle" from 26 years ago.

ps--we decided we couldn't maintain contact because our attraction was/is pretty physical.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lostinwonder said:


> What would be really helpful right now is if I heard that other people have lived with attractions in their marriage and gotten over them. Wishful thinking?


There's this guy in a class im taking and he is so sexy. I talk to him occasionally but that's about it. i dont feel guilty at all. i have no plans to do anything about it, but i would feel abnormal if i didnt feel attracted to anyone else anymore. I also sometimes fantasize about guys ive been with. this i do feel kind of guilty about. You mentioned going crazy b/c you feel so out of control of these thoughts. I did a little meditation to learn how to handle my thoughts and feel more in control of them. you might want to look in to that.


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## lostinwonder (Oct 14, 2008)

Thanks so much for your replies. I know attractions are a normal thing. I guess if I felt confident about my marriage, I wouldn't feel so damn guilty about it. I think if you can love someone deeply, as a friend, you can have a marriage that works(at least if there are kids involved). It just takes a lot of effort. The wrong thing to do is make the mistake of leaving a perfectly good situation and person just because of "the grass is greener" syndrome only to find out that what you were going for was just an illusion of romantic fantasy and when you finally realize that the other person is just another "human" with imperfections as we all have.


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