# I've Spoiled my Wife



## drifting

My wife is a wonderful woman and a great mother. She's a top-notch organizer of neighborhood activities and all things related to our children. She's also a passionate woman and I never lack for marital comfort. All those things she is and more, but every day I find my resentment toward her growing.

For all her qualities, she has one major defect in that she has a sense of entitlement. I have and still provide a very good living for my family. Nobody wants for anything and everyone has more than they need. This is all well and good but my days as a high earner won't last forever and this is a time in our lives when we need to be preparing for our retirement.

That is the rub. Our kids are in college and high school now and I feel that my wife should go back to work to pad our income for the next 10 years. She's a professional that's been out of the work force for about 20 years but agrees that the second income would be helpful. The problem is of course, she never actually looks for meaningful work. She does spend tremendous amounts of time on her "activities" such as Facebook and community organizations.

I understand she loves those activities. There's rarely a day that I don't come home from work when she's not on the computer in pursuit of her "activities". I'd like to indulge my past times as well but can't due to the nagging need to go to work every day and kiss major rear end to keep our lifestyle going.

Her attitude seems to be that she raised the kids so her retirement package has already kicked in. Don't get me wrong, she did a great job and I'm thankful for her hard work. It's just that I'm concerned for her sanity and mine due to her slothfulness these days. We no longer have shared goals other than getting our kids educated and out of the house. 

I also sense in her resentment toward me because I'm not the man I was 20 years ago. I've picked up a few activities(occasional drink and cigar) that she abhors but tolerates with minimal objections. I feel this is her trade off -- I'm not perfect so why am I lecturing her.

On an intellectual level, she understands her performance deficit. She is resentful of her status as a stay at home mom, but emotionally she can't muster the initiative to resolve the problem. Thus she continues to spiral into her world of comfortable preoccupation.

I feel as though I'm married to a teenager at times. I've even tried to accommodate her and offered a deal that if she managed the house in a more professional manner, I would be OK with her "housewife" role. Of course that usually lasts about a week and it's back to business as usual. She just can't seem to manage her own time and focus her energies onto activities that are beneficial to the whole family.

Thus, my resentment... I know to fix the problem will require great effort and understanding on my part but I do hope that she will see the light eventually. Otherwise, I guess I'll just have to be happy with a Facebook slug.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## magnoliagal

If your kids are that old and she's still content to be a housewife then odds are not in your favor the she will ever find a job. Why should she? Cancel the internet and tell she needs to find a job if she wants it back. You need to save that money for your retirement.


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## unbelievable

Easy fix. You are the only breadwinner, so you decide how much of that bread comes home and where it goes. You're worried about retirement? Increase the sum you put into retirement accounts and decrease the amount you bring home. Knock out a liveable but somewhat spartan budget so wife has what she needs but maybe not enough for all the "wants". She'll miss the extra gravy and will likely to be more motivated to look for gainful employment. She'll come to that logical conclusion on her own and you don't have to nag or persuade her. You're merely being the loving, responsible husband, seeing to her continued support after your retirement. I believe people tend to be lazy only because they can be. Most of us would prefer to goof around rather than report for work but we have grown accustomed to eating and having a roof over our heads. Your wife has been taught that there is no penalty for sloth; that the rewards for sloth and industry are identical.


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## Mrs.G

My husband makes $60,000 more than I do, yet I still insist on working. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment and I feel good when I can contribute to our goals. 

Your wife is simply lazy and spoiled. I like the idea of taking away some of her luxuries.


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## Locard

I'm not so sure. If she does not want to get back into the market and is happy with the arraingment you have now, why rock the boat? If she is cleaning the house and keeping things in order as well as you, I would be happy. The money would be nice, but the grass isn't always greener.


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## Locard

I also would in no way call your wife lazy if you still have a kid in school. There is a lot more to life than $$.


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## OhGeesh

I personally can't imagine being married to a SAHM.......but I get it and my sister in law is exactly that.

Best of luck I have no advice except to say continue to talk about it, go on dates, have fun, have sex, and enjoy each other. Many SAHM have a hard time when ALL of the kids are gone.

Focus on each other first everything else second!!


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## River1977

drifting said:


> My wife is a wonderful woman and a great mother. She's a top-notch organizer of neighborhood activities and all things related to our children. She's also a passionate woman and I never lack for marital comfort. All those things she is and more, but every day I find my resentment toward her growing.


Just goes to show there is GOING to be some kind of complaint no matter how good the spouse and no matter how good the marriage. One partner or both are going to be dissatisfied about something.

Did you and she agree she will be a housewife/SAHM or not? Or, are you changing horses now? I think you've become resentful of her status and not necessarily that she has a sense of entitlement. Why does it have to have turned into that among a married couple who agreed 20 or so years ago what their roles will be?



drifting said:


> I'd like to indulge my past times as well but can't due to the nagging need to go to work every day and kiss major rear end to keep our lifestyle going.


Are you saying you want her to work so that you don't have to anymore? Are you saying you won't have to kiss major rear end if she gets a job? That's the only thing I can see from your statement - that you won't have to kiss major rear end anymore because you won't be working. But since you didn't say that specifically, I expect your plan is to continue to work.....and you will still have to kiss major rear end. You are complaining and trying to make it all seem worse than it is.

And, since when is a working person not able to pursue hobbies and pastimes? You want your wife to get a job, and then you will be able to indulge in your pastimes. But, won't you still be working too? Do you plan to quit your job? Or, are you saying that since your wife will be doing what YOU want her to do, which is working outside the home, then you will finally be able to indulge in other things you want to do, despite the fact that you also will still be working? In that case, you can begin indulging right now because nothing else will be any different. You will have a job to go to regardless.



drifting said:


> I've even tried to accommodate her and offered a deal that if she managed the house in a more professional manner, I would be OK with her "housewife" role. Of course that usually lasts about a week and it's back to business as usual.


What does that mean exactly? The house is a mess all the time? The laundry isn't done? Dinner's not ready at 5:15 on the nose?



drifting said:


> She just can't seem to manage her own time and focus her energies onto activities that are beneficial to the whole family.


What does that one mean?


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## Conrad

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

What the hell.


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## Entropy3000

It is pretty rough to get back into the work force these days. To have been out out of it for twenty years and to get back in is asking a lot. It can also lead to other stresses on a marraige in and of itself.

So maybe she can find some part time work to get her started. Not sure what her qualification are to do this. Unfortunately there are those who resent a SAHM coming back into the work force. So they can make it extra hard on them.
Just keep this in mind.

On the other side of things. Facebook is hardly a productive pursuit. Lots of possible troubles there as well. In moderation it is fine. But it seems it is keeping her from running the house like you are expecting.


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## AFEH

drifting said:


> My wife is a wonderful woman and a great mother. She's a top-notch organizer of neighborhood activities and all things related to our children. She's also a passionate woman and I never lack for marital comfort. All those things she is and more, but every day I find my resentment toward her growing.
> 
> For all her qualities, she has one major defect in that she has a sense of entitlement. I have and still provide a very good living for my family. Nobody wants for anything and everyone has more than they need. This is all well and good but my days as a high earner won't last forever and this is a time in our lives when we need to be preparing for our retirement.
> 
> That is the rub. Our kids are in college and high school now and I feel that my wife should go back to work to pad our income for the next 10 years. She's a professional that's been out of the work force for about 20 years but agrees that the second income would be helpful. The problem is of course, she never actually looks for meaningful work. She does spend tremendous amounts of time on her "activities" such as Facebook and community organizations.
> 
> I understand she loves those activities. There's rarely a day that I don't come home from work when she's not on the computer in pursuit of her "activities". I'd like to indulge my past times as well but can't due to the nagging need to go to work every day and kiss major rear end to keep our lifestyle going.
> 
> Her attitude seems to be that she raised the kids so her retirement package has already kicked in. Don't get me wrong, she did a great job and I'm thankful for her hard work. It's just that I'm concerned for her sanity and mine due to her slothfulness these days. We no longer have shared goals other than getting our kids educated and out of the house.
> 
> I also sense in her resentment toward me because I'm not the man I was 20 years ago. I've picked up a few activities(occasional drink and cigar) that she abhors but tolerates with minimal objections. I feel this is her trade off -- I'm not perfect so why am I lecturing her.
> 
> On an intellectual level, she understands her performance deficit. She is resentful of her status as a stay at home mom, but emotionally she can't muster the initiative to resolve the problem. Thus she continues to spiral into her world of comfortable preoccupation.
> 
> I feel as though I'm married to a teenager at times. I've even tried to accommodate her and offered a deal that if she managed the house in a more professional manner, I would be OK with her "housewife" role. Of course that usually lasts about a week and it's back to business as usual. She just can't seem to manage her own time and focus her energies onto activities that are beneficial to the whole family.
> 
> Thus, my resentment... I know to fix the problem will require great effort and understanding on my part but I do hope that she will see the light eventually. Otherwise, I guess I'll just have to be happy with a Facebook slug.
> 
> Thanks for letting me vent.


Take your wife off of that MASSIVE PEDESTAL and THRONE you’ve put her on, give yourself a MASSIVE PAT ON THE BACK for what you’ve achieved and take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html.

Bob


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## Locard

I am really at a loss at how a woman who has supported her husband, taken care of his sexual needs, raised his children, and taken care of the household is not pulling her share. 

Whether a spouse works or not to me has nothing to do with the nice guy dynamic. My question would be after she goes back to work are you going to look forward to taking up the slack in the house? I'll bet your sex life will go downhill also. 

I am happy to come down on guys who are dealing with wayward spouses who **** around. and get greif from them, however; I see this as being a very different situation.


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## hypatia

A couple of things that occurred to me as I was reading the OP:

1) Getting back into the workforce after 20 years is a BIG DEAL. Your wife is probably scared and insecure. I have been out of work a couple of times in the past few years. Even when the jobless periods were only a month or two, it really ate away at my confidence and my pride. I can't imagine how I would feel trying to get back into things after 20 years. 

Instead of Facebooking like your wife, I would sometimes get into a game of Civilization when I should have been working on my job search. Am I proud of this fact? No. But I was not being _lazy_ - the game is comfortable and familiar to me, and it's what I retreat into when I get _scared_ and _overwhelmed_ by the idea that I'm going to be a failure in the workforce. I suspect Facebook fills a similar role for your wife.

For your wife, you should also bear in mind that sometimes older women are treated worse than older men (or younger women) in the workplace. I have seen this happen in several workplaces: the older woman is the hands-down expert at what she's doing, but they're not as "fun" or "exciting" as the younger women in the office, and they get ignored or passed over. I had one particularly bad male manager who would accuse any woman over 40 of "nagging" no matter how calmly and intelligently she presented a business issue. I'm not trying to man-bash or saying that all workplaces are like this, but it's an unfortunate reality.

2) You might not be doing it consciously or directly, but you are probably conveying to your wife that you do not value her work as a SAHM. The fact that she has raised your kids, kept up the house and fulfilled you in bed, only to be rewarded with the term "spoiled"... yeah, that would definitely NOT motivate me if I were in your wife's shoes.

Is it possible she feels like nothing she does is good enough for you, so why even bother trying?

3) Having said all this, I agree that "Man Up" is valid advice. Not because you need to get back at your wife - because to me it sounds like you have put some of your own needs on the backburner, and now they're starting to boil over. The way you refer to "I have to kiss major rear end at work" sounds like you dislike/resent your job and that is spilling over into how you see your wife. Is it possible your wife hasn't changed, but _you_ have? I don't mean it's your "fault" but the situation may be more in your control than you think. Either way, I think if you can take your own happiness in hand and make it a priority, your wife's imperfections might not seem as catastrophic as they do now.


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## magnoliagal

Those who think she should just get to stay a homemaker missed the part where she sucks at that job. She's spending all her time on things like facebook and she's not cleaning or running a household. The OP said he'd be fine with her staying a homemaker if she actually KEPT THE HOME. She isn't. She's a facebook slug. His words not mine.


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## AFEH

Locard said:


> I am really at a loss at how a woman who has supported her husband, taken care of his sexual needs, raised his children, and taken care of the household is not pulling her share.
> 
> Whether a spouse works or not to me has nothing to do with the nice guy dynamic. My question would be after she goes back to work are you going to look forward to taking up the slack in the house? I'll bet your sex life will go downhill also.
> 
> I am happy to come down on guys who are dealing with wayward spouses who **** around. and get greif from them, however; I see this as being a very different situation.


What if the OP were to take the same view? “I’ve done my bit, paid all the bills for the past 20 odd years so now I’ll stop working and put my feet up”.


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## hypatia

magnoliagal said:


> Those who think she should just get to stay a homemaker missed the part where she sucks at that job.


I think it would be easier to make this assessment if drifting had given specifics. It's hard to tell if his wife keeps the house _mostly_ clean and the imperfections just stand out because of drifting's general dissatisfaction, or if the house looks like it belongs on a Hoarders episode. Either one could be true. I'm not making a judgment. 

Given that drifting specifies his wife is a good mother and a hard worker and a satisfactory sex partner, I think it's a little premature to throw her under the bus as some horrible lazy wife.


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## magnoliagal

hypatia said:


> I think it would be easier to make this assessment if drifting had given specifics. It's hard to tell if his wife keeps the house _mostly_ clean and the imperfections just stand out because of drifting's general dissatisfaction, or if the house looks like it belongs on a Hoarders episode. Either one could be true. I'm not making a judgment.
> 
> Given that drifting specifies his wife is a good mother and a hard worker and a satisfactory sex partner, I think it's a little premature to throw her under the bus as some horrible lazy wife.


I agree I just read between the lines and got the impression she isn't doing much beyond playing on facebook all day. I'm a homemaker and while I like the computer as much as the next person my house is clean, I cook, and laundry is done. My husband would never be on this forum complaining about my skills as a homemaker. I look at this as my job and I take it seriously. Maybe she's just burned out.


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## Therealbrighteyes

River1977 said:


> Just goes to show there is GOING to be some kind of complaint no matter how good the spouse and no matter how good the marriage. One partner or both are going to be dissatisfied about something.
> 
> Did you and she agree she will be a housewife/SAHM or not? Or, are you changing horses now? I think you've become resentful of her status and not necessarily that she has a sense of entitlement. Why does it have to have turned into that among a married couple who agreed 20 or so years ago what their roles will be?


Quoted for truth.

The title irked me. "I've spoiled my wife". You both agreed that she would stay home and take care of the kids. She did that and by your own words did a fabulous job. She spent 20 years making sure every person in the family came first yet she is spoiled and entitled? You never lacked in marital comfort from her and your children are raised and successful in their education. 365 days, 24 hours times 20 years was her job and now you want to pull the rug out from under her and say thanks but get out there and work?


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## Runs like Dog

Yup, you got yourself a princess. There is no 'but' at the end of that.


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## Entropy3000

My wife reached a point where she was tired of working. Understood. But we finally reached a compromise where she works two days a week. The reality is that she really works much more than this as she must do preparation work for when she is in the office. She also lectures on occasion.

1) She brings in a enough income so that she can feel she is contributing and has some additional spending money.

2) She loves doing this preparation work. It involves coming up with crafts, projects and so on. This makes her happy for a number of reasons.

3) It is good for her self esteem. An extension of #2.

4) It keeps her mind busy on positive things. There are deadlines to keep. Nothing extreme though. In other words it is not just oh nevermind I will do that next week.

I do think it would be unfair for a couple to have one of them just retire while the other carries the whole load. Activities are fine. But some activities like Facebook ... is that really an activity? 

Anyway I would think this is a situation where resentment could occur but maybe there are bigger issues like boredom and lost purpose and in general mental health. If they were both retired they could do things together. I suppose either idle time or getting back into the work force have their owns risks for infidelity but boredom can be destructive. Just thinking out load.

Just suggesting a compromise is in order here.


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## Mrs.G

magnoliagal said:


> Those who think she should just get to stay a homemaker missed the part where she sucks at that job. She's spending all her time on things like facebook and she's not cleaning or running a household. The OP said he'd be fine with her staying a homemaker if she actually KEPT THE HOME. She isn't. She's a facebook slug. His words not mine.


:iagree::iagree: Hence the reason I called her lazy.


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## Halien

My wife and I discussed her going back to work well before the kids were away. When the time came, we stuck to our retirement planning goals, which included putting more of my income into retirement. Vacations became very frugal for a while. I tried not to make is feel like I was pressuring her, though. Your wife is scared, so look for ways to help her. I think you can begin to put the money away and put the brakes on vacations and other activities, but its important to be 150% supportive of her as she faces the big challenge. In my case, I helped with resumes, practice interviews, and special meals out at every step.

Also, consider suggesting a step up career. Something easy for 6 months just to get the feel of things if she's stressed about the career in particular.

My wife's salary is only about $60k, but we treat it like its every bit as important as mine. And, she gets to step up her spending on herself. Most goes into her own 401k though. It did well as the markets rebounded.

Lastly, my jobs around the house grew as she began to work. Keep in mind that she will not be used to the schedule.


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## magnoliagal

Halien said:


> Also, consider suggesting a step up career. Something easy for 6 months just to get the feel of things if she's stressed about the career in particular.


Good advice.

I've only been home 7 years and I would already need a step up career. My plan is to start pt when the kids are old enough to stay home for brief periods of time and work from there. Intimidates the heck of me to think about jumping back into CPA work. I may have to start out as a part time bank teller. LOL!!


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## Runs like Dog

Again, none of this is neither here nor there. My spouse has never worked. But she's never had to. Of course financially things could always be better but her working has never been the difference between living our lifestyle and not. 

Fine. But here's the thing. Little Miss Princess has never bit her tongue once and STFU over money. Not once not ever. That's what's so damn grinding. Every third word out her mouth is some complaint about money or some comment about other people's money, even to the point that the AC is on today while it's 93 degrees outside. Really, we can afford it, but if you want to let the house go to 80 degrees just say you like it that hot and stop complaining about the cost of cooling it. 

So work, don't work? Don't care. Just shut the hell up and be more or less satisfied with your choice already. You have a law degree and you're a member in good standing with the Bar including all current CPE continuing ed credit. Do something! Or don't and sit on your ass for another 30 years. I mean the youngest will be 20 in 2 months. Do they really need a lot of mothering still?


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## PBear

I've always wondered what a SAHM does when the kids are in school, especially as they approach high school. Seriously, does it take that much effort to "keep" the house? And shouldn't the kids be doing chores around the house (if they're still living at home) so they know how to take care of themselves when they move out anyway? Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc... 

I dunno... I watched my stbx-wife the last 6 months before I moved out as she was off on sick leave. She spent a whole lot more time playing on her iPhone than she did "keeping" the house, and our kids are 10 and 12. And then we'd get hot dogs and KD for supper... This wasn't the last straw with regards to our marriage, but it sure didn't encourage me to change my mind.

C


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## Mrs.G

When I was home due to unemployment, my husband had a lovely dinner every night. 

I have no respect for housewives who waste time during the day, serve slop and have their hubbies coming home to a dirty house and kids.


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## Mephisto

I can see where the OP is frustrated, sure, she raised the kids and tended the home for 20 years, but he went to work and provided the lifestyle for them, I can pretty much guarantee he had his share of nappies to change/homework assignments to help with/chores to do over that time as well. 

From the gist of his story, I am going to assume he works more than the normal 40 hour week to provide the income. Therefore losing out on time for hobbies and past-times, so the resentment at seeing his wife sit on her ass facebooking day in, day out, and not maintaining a tip top house would obviously be growing, especially as she doesn't have children to tend to anymore.

If she works just 20 hours a week, it cuts down how much time he has to work and can therefore have some "me" time as well, all the while still keeping them on track for retirement. Who cares if she isn't employed as.... whatever her profession is ..... she could wait tables, work in a store, WHATEVER, but sitting home on her ass doing jack around the house is not helping her relationship nor is it getting them anywhere better in life.... 

Cut up all her credit cards, stop any "allowance" payments and tell her that now that the kids are gone, if she wants money to spend, then she has to earn it herself.


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## Locard

My wife is an engineer. She left her job to stay home with our children until they were in school. I was proud to support her and would not have cared if she never went back to work. Running a household is a big job. 

She has gone back to work. If she didn't want to, I would support her because she is a hard worker and a great mom.


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## hypatia

Mephisto said:


> I can see where the OP is frustrated, sure, she raised the kids and tended the home for 20 years, but he went to work and provided the lifestyle for them, I can pretty much guarantee he had his share of nappies to change/homework assignments to help with/chores to do over that time as well.
> 
> From the gist of his story, I am going to assume he works more than the normal 40 hour week to provide the income.


OK, look. I don't know the state of *drifting*'s home life. Maybe his house looks like a bomb went off and his wife is a slug. I don't know.

But it really bugs me to see people dismissing SAHMs like this. ("Sure, she raised the kids..." like that's some _easy_ task?) He works a 40 hour week? Guess what? SAHMs work 24/7, and their work is _always_ available for criticism by spouse and children. 

When a man is at work, he typically does not have his wife and kids standing around giving commentary. "Why didn't you answer that e-mail? Why didn't you get that project done? Why did you spend time talking at the water cooler? Why didn't you put a cover on that TPS report?" But a SAHM will always hear "Why is there water on the counter? Why did you make meatloaf for dinner? Where's my favorite shirt? Why isn't my laundry folded? Etc etc." 

I'm not saying SAHMs are holy and blameless and should never be asked any questions. Of course there are bad SAHMs. Of course there are lazy SAHMs. I'm just saying that it's wrong to say someone is _inherently_ slacking or lazy because they are a stay-at-home parent. 

In fact, this role is often incredibly thankless because people are more likely to notice a messy room than a clean room, and a badly-behaved child more than a well-behaved one. This means that the better you do your job, the more invisible it becomes.


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## Mephisto

hypatia said:


> OK, look. I don't know the state of *drifting*'s home life. Maybe his house looks like a bomb went off and his wife is a slug. I don't know.
> 
> But it really bugs me to see people dismissing SAHMs like this. ("Sure, she raised the kids..." like that's some _easy_ task?) He works a 40 hour week? Guess what? SAHMs work 24/7, and their work is _always_ available for criticism by spouse and children.
> 
> When a man is at work, he typically does not have his wife and kids standing around giving commentary. "Why didn't you answer that e-mail? Why didn't you get that project done? Why did you spend time talking at the water cooler? Why didn't you put a cover on that TPS report?" But a SAHM will always hear "Why is there water on the counter? Why did you make meatloaf for dinner? Where's my favorite shirt? Why isn't my laundry folded? Etc etc."
> 
> I'm not saying SAHMs are holy and blameless and should never be asked any questions. Of course there are bad SAHMs. Of course there are lazy SAHMs. I'm just saying that it's wrong to say someone is _inherently_ slacking or lazy because they are a stay-at-home parent.
> 
> In fact, this role is often incredibly thankless because people are more likely to notice a messy room than a clean room, and a badly-behaved child more than a well-behaved one. This means that the better you do your job, the more invisible it becomes.


No-one is knocking her for what she HAS done. She had her praises sung about being a good wife/mother etc etc etc.... the questioning here is pertaining to what she IS doing. Big difference. The SAHM role has expired as the kids are all grown up now. 

To argue that you don't have pressures or responsibilities in the workplace is a fool's argument. Where is that report? Is the presentation ready yet? Why was so-and-so not informed of this? In my workplace at least, the pressures are enormous. See what answers you have when you are costing the company $400/minute, and are responsible for the safety of an $800 million construct.

If a husband has any form of accountability in his job, do you not see that he will be holding his wife accountable for holding up her side of the partnership?


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## hypatia

I didn't say the working partner has no accountability at work; I completely respect the pressure that the working world brings as well. I said it doesn't come from his spouse and children at all hours of the day. Maybe it sounds like splitting hairs, but I think there is a world of psychological difference.


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## Mephisto

Sure, but the psychological rewards are much higher too. The interactions I have with my son far outweigh any feelings that my job can give me, but hell, someone has to go to work.....


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## AFEH

hypatia said:


> In fact, this role is often incredibly thankless because people are more likely to notice a messy room than a clean room, and a badly-behaved child more than a well-behaved one. This means that the better you do your job, the more invisible it becomes.


That’s most certainly true and I totally agree with you there.

But it’s the same for the bread winner. Their “job” can go “unnoticed” as well. They can pay all the bills for years and years and it’s not until a bill cannot be paid that these things are noticed. Then, just like a messy kitchen or whatever it’s “How could you let things get that way!”.

Best to know and count your blessings in all things but most especially in marriage because unless you nurture and look after them they can sure as heck vanish never to return.

Bob


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## hypatia

AFEH said:


> That’s most certainly true and I totally agree with you there.
> 
> But it’s the same for the bread winner.


Bob, Mephisto: This is my point _exactly._ This isn't a zero-sum situation, where one person working hard means the other person isn't.

It's long been a pet peeve of mine to hear a man say "I work and my wife stays at home." No - you _both_ work, just in different realms (lazy individuals excepted). So it really bothers me to hear "Sure, she raised the kids" and "What does a housewife _do_ all day, anyway?" as if the role is INHERENTLY less work than the breadwinner's. Both are work, both should be respected. That's all I'm saying.

In the case of *drifting*'s wife, she may be burned out. That's not a moral failing. It would not be a moral failing if a man were burned out after 20 years at a particular job, too. Or maybe she really is just lazy. I don't know. But I think it is wrong to look at her role as a homemaker and automatically _deduce_ laziness on her part, which is the sense I'm getting from some of the posts on this thread.


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## RandomDude

Sitting in front of the computer on facebook? Meh, that's a lifestyle I probably won't allow the missus to keep up. I'm also a sole provider myself, but have come to terms with it as my missus is rather useful just like yours was, from getting me jobs in the past to good prices to events to ideas to trends to managing friends, family, schedules, appointments, and even organising our social life; what's out there - she knows. I simply don't have time to bother with too much of such thinking due to my line of work.

Over the years she gradually evolved to become my very own 'life manager'. Even my own social circle is now practically controlled by her nowadays - especially due to past issues with my own past mates. We're a living example of how a man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck that turns the head.

Sometimes she decides to 'hibernate' and play games all day or just laze around watching DVDs, but she always comes out for fresh air and back into her usual outgoing lifestyle after a while and from time to time she also decides to help me out at my restaurant; even if it's just salads or the dishes. All the while she's taking care of my little warrior. She's smart, resourceful, active, and useful; that's enough qualities to smudge out the SAHM part for me. 

You have two problems it seems; It seems your missus' lifestyle has lost some 'momentum'. Now she's content with being stagnant, and this trap is made even worse with facebook addiction! Sometimes I wonder what would happen to the world if there's no internet worldwide for a month... oh, armageddon? Oh nevermind that last comment... >.>


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## rider03

Locard said:


> I am really at a loss at how a woman who has supported her husband, taken care of his sexual needs, raised his children, and taken care of the household is not pulling her share.


But HE supported his wife, took care of HER sexual needs also, and I'm sure SHE didn't raise the children alone or do everything around the house alone either. Not to mention agreeing to let her stay home after the kids were in school and live a very nice lifestyle.

My wife does the same thing EXCEPT she doesn't take care of the house, nor my sexual needs and isn't teaching our children anything to survive in life.

I see nothing wrong in him asking her to start helping to contribute to THEIR retirement. If she wants to continue the lifestyle she's accustomed to after he retires, then she better get her butt to work. There's many things she could do on the computer at home to generate some income instead of spending all day on Facebook.


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## Locard

It seems that people are just reading into what they want of what the OP posted. He sure seemed happy with his wife, just wanted her to "pad" thier income. Facebook was mentioned as well as comminity work. This is bit different that just sitting on her ass all day. Whatever. This might be issue with your wife, but does not mean it is with him.


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## Mephisto

hypatia said:


> Bob, Mephisto: This is my point _exactly._ This isn't a zero-sum situation, where one person working hard means the other person isn't.
> 
> It's long been a pet peeve of mine to hear a man say "I work and my wife stays at home." No - you _both_ work, just in different realms (lazy individuals excepted). So it really bothers me to hear "Sure, she raised the kids" and "What does a housewife _do_ all day, anyway?" as if the role is INHERENTLY less work than the breadwinner's. Both are work, both should be respected. That's all I'm saying.
> 
> In the case of *drifting*'s wife, she may be burned out. That's not a moral failing. It would not be a moral failing if a man were burned out after 20 years at a particular job, too. Or maybe she really is just lazy. I don't know. But I think it is wrong to look at her role as a homemaker and automatically _deduce_ laziness on her part, which is the sense I'm getting from some of the posts on this thread.


Burned out or not, she isn't pulling her weight in the relationship.

I recently moved my family 15km out of town onto a small farm, which had no internet, cell phone service or TV reception. It has all the satellite dishes to get whatever we want, but for a week, I was free of all the trash that it is and could just BE. I didn't have to call anyone, watch crappy TV shows, or be bothered with my work emails. BLISS!!!!!! 

We have since had a landline connected, pay TV installed and wifi internet up and running. These things are needed, to keep my wife sane while I am away and it also allows us to communicate while I am at work, but we set up the house to NOT have a living room, so the big screen TV and lounge are in a separate building, with surround sound and game console and a doohickey to play movies straight from a hard drive.... NO PAY TV in the "cinema"

It is awesome to NOT have that pit of despair that is a lounge room constantly part of the living arrangement. The idiot box is turned on and the couch is right there, the laptop in hand and BAM, there goes the day. Not good for productivity, not good for fitness, not good for mentally stimulating our 16 month old, not good, period.

Now, we socialise in our kitchen, we take the wee man outside to play and get plenty of fresh air, and potter around the yard together with the little fella enjoying it all and constantly interacting with his parents. 

There are no more hours whittled away on FB or other 'surfing' by my wife, there is no longer an excuse to pleb, for either of us! In town, I hated it, I sank into a world of internet gaming while I was home to escape from smalltownitis. Not healthy for either of us, our relationship, or our kid!

Sometimes when a partner is in a rut, the other one needs to be the one to rattle the cage and shake things up to improve their life, sometimes you have to do it for yourself! Whichever way it goes, it simply has to make sure that everyone is moving towards a common goal.


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## hypatia

Mephisto said:


> Burned out or not, she isn't pulling her weight in the relationship.


Maybe so. I just haven't seen enough evidence yet to justify some of the nasty assumptions (lazy, spoiled, selfish, princess) being suggested about her here. 

Burnout is not the same thing as malice, and it shouldn't be treated as such. It can be treated compassionately (note that "compassionate" does not mean letting his wife off the hook. It just means not going into "you suck" mode right off the bat).

In fact I totally agree with you on this:



> Sometimes when a partner is in a rut, the other one needs to be the one to rattle the cage and shake things up to improve their life, sometimes you have to do it for yourself! Whichever way it goes, it simply has to make sure that everyone is moving towards a common goal.


Absolutely! *drifting*'s wife may even thank him for shaking things up somewhere down the line. 

BUT... that depends on how *drifting* handles it. I strongly suspect that if he just starts browbeating her right away, it has a strong chance of backfiring. Since his wife has already performed admirably in many respects, belittling the hard work she HAS been doing for 20 years is only likely to rattle her confidence and engender resentment. How is she supposed to go out into the working world with any type of confidence, after a 20 year absence, if her husband sends the message that the things she _has_ poured her life into don't matter? 

In other words... I think we may be disagreeing on tactics


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## Mephisto

I haven't offered any real tactics. I haven't heard nearly enough of the OP's story....


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