# An everlasting problem



## avidtraveller (Jul 15, 2021)

Hi everyone, I've just joined this site for some external advice that isn't family or friends. I will try to cut to the chase but there is a lot to this issue, but I've just discovered something today that's brought everything to the forefront (again), and I'm trying to determine whether I am over-reacting in my decision making. 
Background - I'm 36, husband is 38. Married for 2 years (anniversary only 2 days ago.. how apt! but been together for 13yrs). 

An on-off problem since very early on in our relationship - caught him chatting to other girls via the internet who he knew, speaking slightly dirty to them, not really forgiven, or forgotten ever since, but I decided to brush it under the carpet. Over the last 10yrs, found inappropriate photos on his phone, initially of girls he knew (sultry photos) and then what I call 'models'. I used to have a problem with the 'models' but realised over time, that this is pretty natural for a lot of men. Every 6 months or so, we'd have an argument over this - whether it be because I'd found something on his phone or he'd decide to sleep downstairs all night - his excuse being he'd 'fallen asleep' and by the time he woke up, it was too late and he didn't want to wake me. Me thinking all along that it was because he just wanted to watch porn. About 4yrs into our relationship, another huge argument happened to the point where he thought he would lose me, so sacrificed his smart phone, and downgraded to a basic old style Nokia to make me feel more comfortable (no internet). I used to take the router everywhere I went with me so he couldn't go on the internet without me being there (yes, I know, controlling, I don't need any comments about this please). 
Anyway, as the years passed, I've put weight on (as we all do when we get comfortable in a relationship). I've probably gone up almost 3 dress sizes. My confidence is at an all time low, and he still says he finds me attractive, which I truly believe, however I find his head more in his phone than on me. I find myself getting jealous if we're out and there's an attractive girl nearby, because I know he's trying his hardest not to look. Knowing what he does behind my back impacts my confidence even more, and makes me feel not good enough. 
He's also put on weight, to the point of me not finding him attractive any more, however I haven't had the heart to tell him this. 
We have been trying for a baby for over 1yr now, and nothing is happening. I purchased some cheap tests from ebay, just as an indicator, and it came back that his sperm count is really low (or possibly even zero). I am absolutely gutted because there is nothing more that I want than to become a mother, and I have begun to feel resentment towards him. 

Today, he leaves for work (which he is still at now), and I notice he has forgotten to take his phone with him. Every so often in the past when I have asked to look in his phone because of how he has reacted to a situation (i.e. guilty), I have always found the odd dodgy photo, or p0rn site he has visited. He always argues with me saying I am 'determined' to find something. Well today, I did, and it's probably been sat there for a long time, but I've just missed it as the app is pretty much a dating/flirting site, but disguised as a gaming app (it does have games you can play as well). I got led to this because I found a screenshot on his phone of a girl, which then led me to this app. He's put a false age (took about 5 yrs off, I'm assuming to ensure he doesn't look like a sleazeball chatting to girls aged from 18+. I've only found a few interactions so far, him wishing a few random girls a Happy Birthday (with the kissing emoji), and then another message to a girl stating 'WOW' with a few emojis that are dirty innuendos. This msg was sent only yesterday. I am absolutely gutted. Even though it's not physical cheating (because bizarrely, I don't think he'd ever do that because he's quite shy), I still class this as a form of betrayal, and yet again, I'm made to feel not good enough. He spends on average, 45mins - 1hr on the toilet each time he goes on there, a handful of times a month, he doesn't come to bed with me, and wants to have 'time to himself' downstairs (in front of the TV), he's like a teenager and spends his spare time laid in bed till lunch time, whilst I'm waiting around to go out. He does the bare minimum around the house, whilst we BOTH hold full time jobs down. I just feel like I'm being dragged down and it's just one thing after another, and no matter what 'solutions' he comes up with, he always ends up going back to his old ways and is filled with lies when it comes to the internet side of stuff and girls. As they say, a leopard never changes it's spots. 
It just feels like yet again, everything has come to a head and I'm debating whether it's even worth carrying on because I know in 4, 5, 6 months time, something similar will happen. 
I don't want to live my life with constant mistrust towards him, but at times, I can't see my thought pattern ever changing. It's been like this for 13yrs now. 

I don't want any negative opinions please, just thoughts on what you would do in this situation. 

Thank you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

avidtraveller said:


> Hi everyone, I've just joined this site for some external advice that isn't family or friends. I will try to cut to the chase but there is a lot to this issue, but I've just discovered something today that's brought everything to the forefront (again), and I'm trying to determine whether I am over-reacting in my decision making.
> Background - I'm 36, husband is 38. Married for 2 years (anniversary only 2 days ago.. how apt! but been together for 13yrs).
> 
> An on-off problem since very early on in our relationship - caught him chatting to other girls via the internet who he knew, speaking slightly dirty to them, not really forgiven, or forgotten ever since, but I decided to brush it under the carpet. Over the last 10yrs, found inappropriate photos on his phone, initially of girls he knew (sultry photos) and then what I call 'models'. I used to have a problem with the 'models' but realised over time, that this is pretty natural for a lot of men. Every 6 months or so, we'd have an argument over this - whether it be because I'd found something on his phone or he'd decide to sleep downstairs all night - his excuse being he'd 'fallen asleep' and by the time he woke up, it was too late and he didn't want to wake me. Me thinking all along that it was because he just wanted to watch porn. About 4yrs into our relationship, another huge argument happened to the point where he thought he would lose me, so sacrificed his smart phone, and downgraded to a basic old style Nokia to make me feel more comfortable (no internet). I used to take the router everywhere I went with me so he couldn't go on the internet without me being there (yes, I know, controlling, I don't need any comments about this please).
> ...


It was a big mistake to sweep this under the rug all those years ago. If the problem is not addressed it will _never_ get better. 

Your options are divorce, keep things the way they are, or give a real effort to reconcile. 

The last option will take a lot of work from both of you, and it takes years. You would have to give him an ultimatum _and _be prepared to follow through. 

You really, really need to stop trying to conceive while having marital problems. A baby will not help your situation at all. They are stressful and if you add fertility treatments it's even worse. As much as you want to be a mother, this isn't how you want to start that journey. You will be miserable, you will increase your risk of PPD, your child will be raised in a less than ideal environment, and you will probably end up losing your child 50% of the time. 

For the record, those at home sperm tests are not something you should be relying on. He needs to go in and get a semen analysis, they aren't that expensive ($50-$250). But again, now is not the time to add a child or fertility treatments.


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## avidtraveller (Jul 15, 2021)

Hi, 

Thanks for your reply. I think for me, the worry deep down is starting all over again. At the age I'm at, with wanting to start a family as well. At the minute, we're financially comfortable, and only just moved into a new home 6 months ago. I'm not sure where that would leave me if I left the marriage, but I know these are huge sacrifices that lots of people take on a daily basis, having to start again. 
I know thinking about children is not great when our marriage isn't great. For months it is great, but then as previously mentioned, something will happen to shake it up again. 
I know the tests aren't 100% accurate, but these along with my gut instinct (that I've had for years) is all I've got to go on at the minute. He's actually booked in to give a sample next month. Whether this will happen or not now, I don't know.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

avidtraveller said:


> Hi,
> 
> Thanks for your reply. I think for me, the worry deep down is starting all over again. At the age I'm at, with wanting to start a family as well. At the minute, we're financially comfortable, and only just moved into a new home 6 months ago. I'm not sure where that would leave me if I left the marriage, but I know these are huge sacrifices that lots of people take on a daily basis, having to start again.
> I know thinking about children is not great when our marriage isn't great. For months it is great, but then as previously mentioned, something will happen to shake it up again.
> I know the tests aren't 100% accurate, but these along with my gut instinct (that I've had for years) is all I've got to go on at the minute. He's actually booked in to give a sample next month. Whether this will happen or not now, I don't know.


 yes but it is better to walk away , even if you never start over better to be on your own and content than to be with someone that you can not stand up for what is normally expected of a husband 
it makes no difference if he is cheating with every girl in the office or not if you can't rest at home on a night that he is late getting home and you thinking he is with another woman , that would not be a life together 
i think you are brushing you 
gut instinct under the rug as well


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

avidtraveller said:


> Hi,
> 
> Thanks for your reply. I think for me, the worry deep down is starting all over again. At the age I'm at, with wanting to start a family as well. At the minute, we're financially comfortable, and only just moved into a new home 6 months ago. I'm not sure where that would leave me if I left the marriage, but I know these are huge sacrifices that lots of people take on a daily basis, having to start again.
> I know thinking about children is not great when our marriage isn't great. For months it is great, but then as previously mentioned, something will happen to shake it up again.
> I know the tests aren't 100% accurate, but these along with my gut instinct (that I've had for years) is all I've got to go on at the minute. He's actually booked in to give a sample next month. Whether this will happen or not now, I don't know.


You know you don't need a man or to be married to have a family, right? Sometimes things don't go exactly as we planned or look the way we imagined, and that's okay. You would be better off having a child on your own (using a sperm donor) than having a child in a bad marriage.


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## avidtraveller (Jul 15, 2021)

bobert said:


> You know you don't need a man or to be married to have a family, right? Sometimes things don't go exactly as we planned or look the way we imagined, and that's okay. You would be better off having a child on your own (using a sperm donor) than having a child in a bad marriage.


I know, but I would much prefer to raise a family with someone I love than to do it alone. 

I think people are beginning to focus on the fertility side of things as opposed to my main problem here, which is am I being unreasonable for my thoughts around my husband interacting with young sultry girls on an app, or would some wives be ok with that?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

avidtraveller said:


> am I being unreasonable for my thoughts around my husband interacting with young sultry girls on an app, or would some wives be ok with that?


No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable and most women would not be okay with it. Watching porn is one thing, interacting with women is another. And for some people, just watching porn is cheating. That's okay and everyone needs to set their own boundaries.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t matter what percentage of women would be okay or not okay with what he does — you aren’t. But that also doesn’t mean he’ll change just because you aren’t.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

avidtraveller said:


> I know, but I would much prefer to raise a family with someone I love than to do it alone.
> 
> I think people are beginning to focus on the fertility side of things as opposed to my main problem here, which is am I being unreasonable for my thoughts around my husband interacting with young sultry girls on an app, or would some wives be ok with that?


You are not over reacting. He has repeatedly engaged in inappropriate behavior, basically having an emotional affair with these women. On the scale of affairs this seems to be near the bottom, but that doesn't make it okay. It sounds like you've been pretty clear with him on what you have for boundaries with regard to appropriate and inappropriate behavior. That means he knows he is going against your wishes. My main suggestion is if you want to stay and make this work then do that before having a child. 

Since you are both overweight, have you considered doing something together to work on it? Anything that could strengthen you marriage can't hurt, but no matter what you can't sweep this latest find under the rug. As you said, just a day after your anniversary he is chatting up strange women on line. That can't be ignored.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

avidtraveller said:


> I think people are beginning to focus on the fertility side of things as opposed to my main problem here, which is am I being unreasonable for my thoughts around my husband interacting with young sultry girls on an app, or would some wives be ok with that?


If you don’t like it, you’re not overreacting.

As to how many would be “ok” with it probably depends on what interacting means. 

A thirsty older guy who chats in text only based on pictures may be chatting with an Eastern European guy. If there is no serious text coming back from the “girls” then to me it reads as thirsty and sad and he’s a mark that they’re trying to pull money out of. So I can see some wives being pissed at that but not threatened. Serious two way communication I think most people would not be ok with.

Given his history and inability to stay off those sites I think if you wanted to separate from him it wouldn’t be unreasonable at all.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I had an ex once who liked to slyly take photos of random attractive women he saw and keep them on his phone. When I found them I called him out on that BS and ended the relationship. It was entirely inappropriate for him to do both from my perspective and from the women's perspective. I would never stand for that or for any partner engaging with other women in a secretive flirty way. Open gentle fun and banter and I have no issue. For me the rule is that if you can't be honest about what you're doing, then it's wrong, and you know it.

On the other hand, I had no issue pointing out the topless women on the beach for my ex husband to take a sneaky look at behind his sunglasses. Let's face it, he was going to cop a quick look anyway, and it's non threatening.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

I can not believe you are talking about having kids. Bringing in kids will NOT make this better in anyway, it's only going to make it THAT much tougher when he does this again in teh future and you lose not only a marriage, but the kids grow up with a split parents. DON'T DO IT.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> You know you don't need a man or to be married to have a family, right? Sometimes things don't go exactly as we planned or look the way we imagined, and that's okay. You would be better off having a child on your own (using a sperm donor) than having a child in a bad marriage.


WOW!
Bring a child into this world who will suffer!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kaliber said:


> WOW!
> Bring a child into this world who will suffer!


Where is the rolling eyes reaction when you need it?


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