# Desperate man trying to save his marriage! Help!



## VTWINCRAZY84 (Feb 16, 2015)

Hello friends,

I hope I came to the right place for help today. I will try to sum this up as short as possible. 

Last night, my wife and I were watching a movie. She decides to take a shower before bed. Ok...

So I watch a little tv and a good amount of time passes. I decide its time for bed. I walk into the bedroom and notice the mini vibrator she bought 2 weeks ago is not on the dresser after we had used it a couple nights ago. 

I wait for her to get out of the shower and to cover up the baby for night with the blanket. I sneak into the bathroom and on the top of the vanity i located the vibrator. In the container wet as a whistle. She used it. I was actually crushed by the thought of it. I know that may sound crazy to some, but I was. My wife has told me time and time again how hurt she would be if i watched porn or ever masturbated. So I dont. She also claims she tried it once years ago before we met and it didnt do anything for her. She said its gross, its not pleasurable and she would never do it either. OK fine whatever. But then to catch her red handed doing it. I was speechless. I confronted her the moment she came back in the bedroom. I asked her if she had fun. She asks, what? Then i pull it out of my pocket and show her the wet vibrator. I told her I knew she used it. She didnt even hesitate to deny it. But she did say, "i was just curious if it was water proof". Really? I ask. After all you had said to me about me doing and you go and do it to me? I told her I was hurt by it. I was in bed ready for action and she took it upon herself to use a toy. I dont get it. I mean my wife and i have incredible sex. without details, I mean its rough, hardcore and we both get what we need. her multiple times. So why does she need a vibrator. Am I older news after 2 years of marriage. Is it that honeymoon stage everyone talks about, being over? She acted like she did nothing wrong. Like she couldnt believe i was upset. I mean, your willing and able husband is in bed waiting for you. She claims too, that she was going to have sex with me when she came in the room after pleasuring herself. If you know my wife, you know she never puts clothing on after exiting the shower if she wants to have sex with me. Now she was fully dressed in pajama pants and sweatshirt. She was not about to give anything up to me that night. That was a lie as was her stories about not enjoying or ever masturbating. Should i be worried she is lying about something else? Is she getting bored with me? It sounds dumb i know, but i felt cheated on. Like, why would you need a little toy instead of me, especially given the sex we have? We got into a big fight. I raised my voice she raised hers. We tried calming down and talking about it. But our talking points were way off and it lead to more anger. I stormed out and slept in a parking lot of all things. Then went into work 4 hours early at 3am just because i was wide awake. It has been eating at me. Am i wrong for being upset? I mean she lied about it, told me she would be hurt if she caught me, then she does it. Then she puts a spin on it to make her feel better i guess and says. I wouldnt mind as much if you masturbated as long as your not looking at porn. I guess i dont see the difference in me watching porn and her getting off to a 3 inch vibrating object. She talks about being open and communicating. Had she just told me and not tried to hide it, it would be one thing. But going behind my back hurt to be honest.

At the end of the day things got bad. She is at her sisters for 3 days to cool off and she took the kid with her. This isnt just about this one moment. Its been an on and off thing. We are great for 2 weeks then one bad day leads to 2 days of cool down. I mean life is stressful. I took a 12 dollar pay cut at work, we are in debt up to our ears and i am in school full time while being the only one working while she stays at home with the kid. its just a combination of a lot of things. She wants to see a counselor. I really dont. I cant afford one and i know what they are all about. They tell you that you both need to work on x y and z now that will be 200 bucks. i dont know. 

anyone out there have any advise. This time its serious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess my take on it is that you found out that she's starting to experiment with the toy. So you could have used this knowledge to start spicing up your sex life even more.

Instead you used it to pick a huge fight. Now it will be even harder to bring that sort of play into your sex life.

As far so a toy vs porn? The toy is equivalent to your hand. It just moved faster. Porn? It's you looking at a lusting after other women. And these other women are showing you all of their body. There is HUGE difference.

The two of you need to learn how to talk and not fight. IMHO, porn and masturbation are ok as long as they do not interfere with your sex life together. But the two of you need to negotiate something that is healthy for you both.

Your wife using a toy that you bought her is not her disrespecting her. It also has nothing to do with your work and your school.

If you need her to help out financially, then you need to have that talk with her. But do not tie it to the talk about sex, the toy, porn or masturbation. Finances and sex are not related.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are you?
Your child?
MC is a good idea. Perhaps you can find someone cheaper. Is there a university, where students are therapists? Church? Good to get help.

Arguing about sex lowers your sex ranking. In fact, anger drives women away. Better to become stronger internally so that you are more attractive to her.

Why doesn't she work?


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## VTWINCRAZY84 (Feb 16, 2015)

Thing is we have always used toys in the past. Whips, cuffs, vibrators ect. Fair game if its within arms reach. Im not upset she is experimenting. Im upset that she went behind my back. After telling me she would be upset if i did it.


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## VTWINCRAZY84 (Feb 16, 2015)

She isnt working currently because it was agreed she would be a stay at home mom. Just bad timing with school and work. But I feel we can push through it. Its just added stress on me. I take care of all the bills and finances and at times she can be stubborn in what she wants as oppose to what we need. Im 30 years old. She is about to turn 24. Our son just turned one. He is the world to me, and I want to do whatever I can to keep this family together. I grew up without a father and she grew up in an abusive family. We both are very internal people. We dont openly express our sex. But in the bedroom we are wild and untamed. I just wish she had talked to me about before doing it. Pay me the same respect she asked me to pay her.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I would guess she was just embarrassed about you finding out she masturbated. That would explain the instant lie...or whatever. 

It would have been a good chance for you to make her feel that she could open up about that stuff. I mean, instead of accusing and confronting her with the evidence (kinda like encyclopedia brown) -you could have waited till you were both in bed...whipped that thing out and asked her to show you how she does it. 

Instead...you turned a golden opportunity for more sexual openness into a fight. Stop doing that. This isn't about work, bills, anything other than sex and making her feel comfortable. 

When the opportunity presents itself for you to make your woman feel MORE comfortable about her body and sex -TAKE IT. I mean...you slept in your car, instead of next to your wife. Why....because she masturbated in the shower and you got pissed....You ASSUMED that there would be no sex....because she put on pajamas....You ASSUMED she intentionally lied to you...because she didn't answer immediately truthfully...I would guess she had a deer in the headlights look...am i right?

Dude...everybody masturbates. I tend to think that those that say they don't...are probably doing more than everyone else. 

Just my opinion...but you embarrassed the hell out of your wife. That she is embarrassed to talk to you about these things is the problem. Not that she she didn't immediately cop to it under your questioning. You said your wife is 24....She is just a girl...pretty young one at that. The goal should be to make her MORE comfortable about these things...not more insecure.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

VTWINCRAZY84 said:


> She isnt working currently because it was agreed she would be a stay at home mom. Just bad timing with school and work. But I feel we can push through it. Its just added stress on me. I take care of all the bills and finances and at times she can be stubborn in what she wants as oppose to what we need. Im 30 years old. She is about to turn 24. Our son just turned one. He is the world to me, and I want to do whatever I can to keep this family together. I grew up without a father and she grew up in an abusive family. We both are very internal people. We dont openly express our sex. But in the bedroom we are wild and untamed. *I just wish she had talked to me about before doing it.* Pay me the same respect she asked me to pay her.


I suggest you say that out loud to yourself a few times....

"I want my wife to clear any potential masturbation activities with me...in advance"

Does that sound a little off....to you?


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## VTWINCRAZY84 (Feb 16, 2015)

I hear what your saying, but again I say. Its the fact that she expects full disclosure and openness from me, which I gave her. But then didnt follow her own advice and in turn did to me what she didnt want done to her. I think that more than anything upset me.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

VTWINCRAZY84 said:


> I hear what your saying, but again I say. Its the fact that she expects full disclosure and openness from me, which I gave her. But then didnt follow her own advice and in turn did to me what she didnt want done to her. I think that more than anything upset me.




Your thinking like a male. A man. That's normal. Man makes agreement. Man Sticks to it. Even if the mechanics are a little hazy...he's gonna make that happen. Or at least he's gonna give it one helluva try. Way to Go. You were right. The reward for being right....Sleeping in your car. How was that? 

Whats not normal...is a very young woman -being open and honest about masturbation with her husband...after getting the old "I caught You" look. 

From your description...you guys don't talk about sex. I have no doubt she would like to be able to talk to you about these things -but she just doesn't know how (again, just a guess). It would be a good time to start the discussion. 

And by the by...Are you seriously saying you DO NOT masturbate without letting your wife know in advance....Not once...not even a teeny little bit? 

Hell I think it's cute you kids thought to have this agreement...even cuter that you thought it was doable long term. Maybe next time..try this one..."Honey, if you feel like masturbating, and I'm here, it would be an insane turn-on for me to see you do that. In fact, it's in my top 3 list of fantasy's."

The important thing, in this circumstance, isn't right or wrong, truth or lie, it's having an open dialogue with this woman that you love and making her feel safe, heard, respected, understood. Give her that...your reward will be pretty off the hook sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

VTWINCRAZY84 said:


> I hear what your saying, but again I say. Its the fact that she expects full disclosure and openness from me, which I gave her. But then didnt follow her own advice and in turn did to me what she didnt want done to her. I think that more than anything upset me.


So every time you masturbate, you tell her in advance?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> So every time you masturbate, you tell her in advance?


Exactly.

You sound immature.


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## VTWINCRAZY84 (Feb 16, 2015)

immature uh? Well, i simply expect the same in return. I have honestly not masturbated since I married my wife out of respect her and what she had said to be about her feelings on it. How does that in turn make me immature if I expect the same from her? I think your best suited for another forum brother or sister. But thanks for trying.


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## VTWINCRAZY84 (Feb 16, 2015)

Everyone is responding and assuming we dont talk about sex. We do, very openly. We try toys and new positions. Again, i think some of you are missing the point. Are fight was exacerbated by a whole bunch of other things that have been building up. Me and my wife are in full disclosure. AT least i thought we were. People can say what they want, I am a man of my word. If i say im not going to do something or that I am, I absolutely will follow up in respect to that decision. And yes, I expect the same from my wife. Lets not be ridiculous here. I dont expect her to say hey honey, im going to go masturbate, is that ok? Of course i dont expect that, but with as open as we have been about things, its was very surprising that she did hide it. Which is why it upset me. Because our relationship from a sex standpoint has always been open. And she choose to not be open about it. Believe me, if my wife said im going to warm up for you in the shower so be ready. I would have warming myself up waiting for her. Full disclosure means everything to me. I expect it and i give it in return. A relationship in my opinion doesnt work without that. That goes for all aspects of a relationship.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I feel you should talk with your wife and try to glean an understanding as to why she feels that your masturbating is gross and hurtful and her doing it covertly is okay. I understand that you're not concerned that she masturbated but rather the secrecy surrounding it and I agree that is disconcerting. What else is she willing to "hide" from you if it makes her uncomfortable.

Again, just ask her point blank what the disparity is and let her answer you without fear of judgement, withhold that until you get all of the facts and see if there is a reasonable explanation. Honesty is crucial in a good marriage and secrets are the rust that can damage even the strongest steel. Find out what's up with the dual standards and why. Good luck.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Can you expand more on what the other things are that escalated after the fight? They may go hand in hand with her going solo. I've done the sleep in the car thing as 'punishment' I get that. It's the wrong way to go, trust me. I have a feeling there is more here than just the vibrator, though I understand your feeling jilted by it.

Cheers,
V(13)



VTWINCRAZY84 said:


> Everyone is responding and assuming we dont talk about sex. We do, very openly. We try toys and new positions. Again, i think some of you are missing the point. Are fight was exacerbated by a whole bunch of other things that have been building up. Me and my wife are in full disclosure. AT least i thought we were. People can say what they want, I am a man of my word. If i say im not going to do something or that I am, I absolutely will follow up in respect to that decision. And yes, I expect the same from my wife. Lets not be ridiculous here. I dont expect her to say hey honey, im going to go masturbate, is that ok? Of course i dont expect that, but with as open as we have been about things, its was very surprising that she did hide it. Which is why it upset me. Because our relationship from a sex standpoint has always been open. And she choose to not be open about it. Believe me, if my wife said im going to warm up for you in the shower so be ready. I would have warming myself up waiting for her. Full disclosure means everything to me. I expect it and i give it in return. A relationship in my opinion doesnt work without that. That goes for all aspects of a relationship.


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## FOB (Oct 29, 2014)

Your wife got caught, got a little fearful and ashamed about it, and lied to you out of that feeling of fear. My wife used to do the same thing. It’s not good, but my guess is your wife will continue to do it as long as you show anger toward her. You being angry and upset is not a safe place for her to be.

Sit her down and talk about it – without getting mad. She's asking to see a counselor - go for it. A few hundred dollars is nothing compared to the alternative.

Never discount the affect fear, shame, judgment and embarrassment can have on someone's split-second decision making. Make your relationships a safe haven and my guess is she’ll open up to you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What you should be most concerned about is the inability to have constructive communication that doesn't devolve into screaming matches. You two SUCK at conflict resolution. You two probably SUCK at compromising. Who gives a fvck about whether you or your wife is looking at porn or masturbating on occasion. Both of you are hypersensitive to the other doing something wrong. That's the real problem in your marriage.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you are both over reacting. You both should be able to masterbate without having to tell each other. This shouldn't have turned into a screaming fight with you both leaving the house. You must have other issues to cause such a big argument over a minor situation. You both need to learn how to talk.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Sorry to say, I think you handled this badly. I don't think this justifies a fight that leads to you sleeping in a parking lot and her taking off for days with the kids. Now that she said she doesn't mind if you masturbate as long as no porn, take her up on the offer. 

Sometimes it is just quicker and easier to get a quick clit orgasm than to have sex for some ladies. You basically shamed her and drove her away. Is this a hill to die on? If so, you will have a very rough marriage. Let this one go- this is from someone who rarely lets anything go, but this is absurd. Really.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

So she tells you that she thinks you masturbating is gross and wrong, doesn't want YOU to do it, and you don't do it. Yet you catch her doing it herself and she can't understand why you're upset? She sounds like a hyopcrit. I'd have been upset too.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't know why your wife would want to control what you do with your body as long as she is not denied a satisfying sex life. What do you think about taking a little more charge of things and charting a more adaptive course in your marriage? Your relationship is relatively new and you are both young, you have the capacity to learn to be a good team and have a wonderful marriage and family. You both had difficult times in your past so you need help.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP, I see your point but, as you've seen for yourself, arguing solves nothing. Better to wait until you calmed down and then expressed your disappointment to her. Resentment kills sex in marriages.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Yeah .... any couple that says whips and vibrators are a regular part of our sex life while the wife has so many hang ups about solo pleasure is a big red flag. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't add up. You are open about sex, but stay inside this box. The box contains exactly what we say it can, but nothing more. 

Honestly I think your wife is insecure to the point that she's playing these sex games in bed to try to look and be a sex kitten when she's not. She is NOT secure in herself sexually. And you are not mature in your reaction to it, which will only push her away and feed her insecurity.

To get this train back on track, you have to figure out what is really going on. She hid the masterbating from you rather than discussing it with you. Why? Maybe it's something to do with how you reacted to finding it? So over the top? You used that disagreement to let so many other issues flare, to end up spending a night in a parking lot and her leaving your home with the child. Uh... this isn't about a vibrator anymore. It never was! It's about trust and maturity.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Rather than argue you should just tell her what you expect.

Wife, if you expect me not to masturbate then I expect you not to masturbate. Is that clear to you?

No fights, no arguments. No emotional outbursts on yoru part.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Take it from an old guy who's made a lot of mistakes in relationships and done a lot of stupid stuff. We all do.

You need to mellow out. You're sweating the small stuff. When I got married, the preacher told us in marriage you have to learn to let things go. Especially the small stuff. She lied? Ok, so she did.
I'm telling you everyone lies. Maybe not often, but we do.

My advice, swallow the pride (EVEN if somewhat justified), go apologize to your wife and make love to her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Oh, and yah, I remember sleeping in the car many a time with my crazy ex. Been there done that.............


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Don't sweat the vibrator. It's actually a good thing. She likes sex. Let's hope she still uses the vibrator and likes sex with you 20 years from now.
This is NOTHING. I mean REALLY nothing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

scatty said:


> Sorry to say, I think you handled this badly. I don't think this justifies a fight that leads to you sleeping in a parking lot and her taking off for days with the kids. Now that she said she doesn't mind if you masturbate as long as no porn, take her up on the offer.
> 
> Sometimes it is just quicker and easier to get a quick clit orgasm than to have sex for some ladies. You basically shamed her and drove her away. Is this a hill to die on? If so, you will have a very rough marriage. Let this one go- this is from someone who rarely lets anything go, but this is absurd. Really.





Jasel said:


> So she tells you that she thinks you masturbating is gross and wrong, doesn't want YOU to do it, and you don't do it. Yet you catch her doing it herself and she can't understand why you're upset? She sounds like a hyopcrit. I'd have been upset too.





Dogbert said:


> OP, I see your point but, as you've seen for yourself, arguing solves nothing. Better to wait until you calmed down and then expressed your disappointment to her. Resentment kills sex in marriages.


Very confusing double standard, but the reaction you had was over the top self destructive and more.

I think you owe her an apology.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude, what you do alone with your body is your business and none of hers.

What she does alone with her body is her business and none of hers.

She doesn't need your permission and you don't need hers. Either of you can choose to share, but you don't have to.

Of course, that doesn't mean either one of you can self-serve in lieu of the main course...

But I've never had a woman masturbate and then deny sex long-term. The more they get, the more they seem to want. Encourage it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

OP... she didn't want to have sex with you. Period.

You mentioned that the fight had been building up. My guess she wasn't feeling it with you and just got herself off. And with the issues building up, you probably went off more than you usually would have over something like this?

My suggestion is to address the other problems. Whether or not your wife masturbates, tells you about it or doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't matter unless your other issues are taken care of. Otherwise you both better get used to masturbating.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

I don't believe marriage is about controlling your spouse's sexuality to this extent. You both should be able to masturbate with or without porn and feel no guilt. I get your point though, she was dis honest and you were duped by a piece of plastic. I'd be pissed. You sound like the kind of guy that goes out of his way to pleasure his woman well, which makes it even worse!

Next time she wants some money or a hug or something, I'd tell her to ask the vibrator lol. Then laugh like its a joke and you're not really up set. Tell her you have also been finding sex with her boring and are looking for other avenues to get your rocks off. See how she likes that! Remember though, I'm a passive aggressive prick. Also, it could backfire, but she should get the message.

Sometimes women need to be reminded that your loyality is not free, but is a fair trade, and should be valued. (Here comes the hate) lol.


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