# Should I make this seperation 'easy'....really need help!!



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

When H left he left me with the savings, house, and an signed agreement with him pretty much saying he would cover everything fort he children(a very good amount of child support and then healthcare ect.) He moved into a spendy extended stay. 

H has always not been good with $$$ I am the one that has had to do EVERYTHING. Well I had a feeling that it was not going to be very long til he was out on his own till he was in trouble....I guess it took 5 days! 

Last night H was pretty much asking me to help him out:scratchhead: he wanted me to loan him the money for a month in advance so could not pay taxes on the hotel. He also said he had pretty much no money for food/gas. Well this morning he called and told me something was wrong with the car and if I could help him out of and the help with the hotel. 

Did I mention I have been a SAHM and now I have to probably leave my 2 young children and go back to work  

Should I help him or just let him realize how hard it is going to be on his own. He is trying to say if I help it will help him have more money for the kids so he can DO stuff


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I would open an account of your own, move the "savings" to the individual account, and once that is secure, tell him "I'm sorry dear but you are personally responsible for your choices. You are the one who chose to leave and saddle yourself with the extra expenses of a hotel and extra food/gas. You are welcome to come home any time and lose these extra costs if you agree to END ALL CONTACT with the Other Woman and never, ever contact her again, and give me access to all your accounts so I can verify your honesty. 

If you choose not to return home, I expect you to live up to your responsibilities as a father first and honor the agreement you signed regarding providing for our children. I would suggest possibly looking for a second job to pay for your hotel and food/gas costs. I have to use the money you left me to pay for the costs of job searching and providing for the family you left."


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Affaircare-thanks  I actually already moved it the day he decided to leave. He called again and I plead my case which was almost exactly what you said. I also told him that child support was not an option and either is paying double the following week. I told him I was really sorry he was having these issues with car, hotel, ect but I couldn't be responsible for expenses. 

I even told him I had planed on him coming home in a few months....or I hoped so. I also told him he choose to go out with that ow(he swore it was nothing and he didn't know why he did it) and then leave after me finding him texting the extremely inappropriate stuff he was. 

He used the were 'friends' angle...which made me realize he was trying to manipulate me because yesterday when we were texting I told him I was also losing my best friend. Then when he realized that was not going to work he even brought up him coming home maybe. So I am pretty sure he is trying to manipulate me and it hurts BUT at least I know what he is trying to do. I guess you never really know a person until you divorce them


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I just hope I can stay strong tomorrow when he calls


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

you should. If you are not he will get his way and will never realize all the mistakes he did. Do you know how I know? because if my wife would've taken me back when she decided to walk away, I would had never realized all my character flaws and would've never decided to change my attitude towards life. 

I am on the way to become the man she deserves, IF she takes me back, not the temperamental and frustrated guy I used to be, I have a different look at life. She helped me in a great way by not allowing her feelings to mess up her decision and of that I am thankful.

I thought this is the last thing I could ever say but her not taking me back has been the best thing that could happen to us, to me especially. All the pain has been educational, and eye-opening in a great way, so from a man who has experienced this situation I tell you stay strong if he cares he will start behaving like a man and take responsibility of his actions not like a child.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

STBXHmaybe-are you saying I should give him the $$? 

I am not going to lie I would love to have him come back I miss him. I am pretty sure I have been crying in my sleep because I wake up with my pillow wet and I feel like I have been in a fight.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Nope, I am saying that you should stay strong ooops sorry I didn't specify


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

LOL sorry I am sort of out of it now that I reread it I understand it now. I am lost I don't want him to be hurting or strapped but I KNOW that it is a choice he made. I accept full responsibility for the demise of this marriage. I want it to work but I am seeing that what I want the MOST is to be happy.

I am scared that by not giving him the $$ is going to start a fight but I just am not willing to fight with him....I just can't anymore.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> I am lost I don't want him to be hurting or strapped but I KNOW that it is a choice he made.


He absolutely does not need to be hurting or strapped. He has the option to stop hurting himself and you by coming home and honoring the vow he made to you. He has the option to have access to more money and have less expenses so he's not strapped by coming home and honoring the vow he made to you. So don't fool yourself or think in your head "Oh poor him." All of this is completely 100% his choice and in his control to fix and he stubbornly refuses. That isn't "Oh poor him"! That is "Oh stupid him" 



> I accept full responsibility for the demise of this marriage. I want it to work but I am seeing that what I want the MOST is to be happy.


And there is a *BIG *clue to your problems. Happiness is not something that someone else can "make you feel." People keep thinking, "If I'm with so and so...they make me feel happy." No they don't. Happiness is a choice you make within yourself every day. It's based on YOU, your self-esteem and self-worth, and just making the choice to be happy and count your blessings. 

Want to hear your blessings? You have two young, beautiful children. They admire you, look up to you, trust you and depend on you. They are funny and cute and when they smile it is heaven. You have a place to sleep that is warm and safe (aka you aren't homeless) for you and your children. You have plenty of food and are able to provide for the basic needs for your children of clothing and food. You have family who may be far away but they care and love you. I'm sure you can take it from there. 

Now, did you participate in the marriage troubles? I'm sure you did. Think of the love in your marriage as a bonfire. There are actions you can take to make the love blaze and flame: those are Love Kindlers. It is very typical for people to gradually slow down or stop doing the Love Kindlers. Then there are actions you can take to douse the flames and pour water on them: those are Love Extinguishers. It is very typical as the Love Kindlers are slowing, to gradually increase the Extinguishers. What happens? The love declines, while the nagging and fighting increases...and the marriage is vulnerable. Along comes the Other Person, who once again shows one of the spouses that they are smart, funny, attractive...and it turns into flirting, then a crush and BLAMO it's an affair. So I'll bet you money that you did slow down on the Love Kindlers over some time...and maybe increase the Love Extinguishers, and that stuff you need to take responsibility for. 

But your hubby is 100% responsible for choosing to have an affair, for giving into temptation, for the harm he allowed to happen, and for the work it would take to repair the harm! And why did he do all this? Because he wanted to be "happy." That is baloney! If he wants to be happy, happiness is from within. If he wants to be happy, he honors the covenant he made with the wife of his youth and works on making THAT relationship deeper, more loving, more intimate (emotionally and physically). *THAT* is honorable bliss with integrity. 



> I am scared that by not giving him the $$ is going to start a fight but I just am not willing to fight with him....I just can't anymore.


finallyseewhy, let me give you one clue. Your marriage can survive anger, even a fight...but it can NOT survive three people in the marriage and it can NOT survive an ongoing affair. So I need you to do me a favor. I get the feeling you want to give in just to avoid confrontation. I also do not like confrontation very much--it makes me sick to my stomach and really stressed. BUT...some things are worth standing for. Some things are a hill worth dying on and this is one. The absolutely most loving thing you can do for your husband right now is allow him to experience the consequences of his choices!! He will learn faster and grow to be a better man faster. If you keep "covering for him" and enabling him, he will never learn and might keep this behavior up for years! 

So it will be hard. Pick this one issue and stand fast. You can do it!


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Affaircare-THANK YOU SO MUCH reading that really made my day and I honestly think it is going to be the extra push I need to get through the weekend.


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