# Need help fixing my marriage that I’m ruining…



## joshm (Feb 18, 2020)

TLDR – 13 year relationship, married almost a year and a half. I cheated in the very beginning; have had numerous and extensive issues lying about money/cheating/smoking (large things); have had even more numerous and extensive issues lying about stupid/small/insignificant things; have shown numerous bouts of disrespect for her. All of this, despite the fact that I love her more than anything, have the utmost respect for her, and have the strong DESIRE to change myself to be a good husband (and person in general).

Wow. So the TLDR was even fairly long… So for those of you who are still reading, we’ll start at the beginning.

My wife (we’ll call her Z) and I have been together for 13ish years, and been married since October 2018. I’m 36, she’s 31. When we first got together, it was immediately at the end of a 5+ year relationship with my high school/shortly after high school girlfriend. Not exactly sure for how long, since it’s been forever, but for the beginning of my relationship with Z (maybe a year or so?), I remained friends, and unfortunately FWB, with my ex. Long story short, we worked through it and eventually things seemed to get better. 

Over the years, I have had numerous issues with lying/deception. The lies can range from literally the smallest, most insignificant thing (my best example is literally lying to blame a fart on the dog), to super gigantic ones (see: the last paragraph on a year’s worth of cheating, as well as hiding having borrowed money a couple of times, neglecting to tell her about my student loan debt for a while, and quitting smoking then hiding starting again several times until getting caught). 

The one commonality between them all seems to be not wanting her to be upset or disappointed (with obvious proportionality there to how upset she would be over those different levels of actions - it's not like she's going to leave me over a fart). But when your trust is damaged/broken, even the stupid little ones count!

There have also been issues of me “not showing that I care” in different ways. It seems that I’m crazy good at doing lots of the little things that a great husband would do (I cook, I clean, I’m not lazy, I take good care of our dogs cause we don’t have kids yet, I even pack her lunches and put gas in her car) – good for me! Right? No, because for some reason, while I can remember every word from every song I’ve ever liked, and random baseball factoids, but I can’t remember about an IMPORTANT appointment that I told her I’d go with her to without being reminded (things like this have actually happened several times). We recently had an issue of disrespect in the bedroom (recently, which doesn’t need to be elaborated on). I’m horrible at simply planning out something special for her to make her feel appreciated.

Basically I seemingly do ALL the things that would make a good husband great, but am SEVERLY lacking in the department of making a ****ty husband a good one. Does that make sense?

So here I am, writing this novel that is my story, at least for the most part. I feel like an absolutely horrible human being, and an even worse husband. I want to fix this, I NEED to fix this, before it’s too late (if it’s not already). I have the desire to be a better person, to just be a GOOD person in general. I’ve done therapy before, to work solely on my lying issues (twice previously, each time only a few months long), as well as some other things that I’ve tried over the years (like keeping a journal of literally EVERY lie that I told). I’ve legitimately thought that I had been successful at changing and becoming a better person, and maybe I have in some small amounts, but it seems like every time that I’ve “worked on myself” I’ve had a lie that I’ve been holding in my back pocket. In reality, I’m no better. If you splay it all out on paper, I’m a lying, cheating, disrespectful *******. I just started to see a therapist again, and am going every other week. I’ve read an infinite amount on these boards, and will continue to do so. Any other thoughts/ideas/resources that anyone could contribute would be GREATLY appreciated. I love my wife, and I don’t want to lose her.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It's hard to help you without more information. Does your wife know about your early affair? Does she know about all the lies you've been telling her or are you still holding back some truths. And to be quite frank, I disagree on the respect in the bedroom not needing to be elaborated on. If you've disrespected her, it would help to know how. 

You definitely need to continue the counseling. That will help with your need to never disappoint people. We all disappoint those we love at some point, it's part of being human. But if you're lying and being deceitful that's not okay. 

As for keeping up with appointments, get a calendar. Every time she asks you to do something, put it into your phone. I have a horrible memory so I have Siri remind me of tons of stuff. Just yesterday my neighbors asked to take their dog overnight. I said yes and immediately told Siri to remind me about an hour before I needed to go get her from their house so I could walk her. If I hadn't done that I might have forgotten to get the poor thing. There are ways around a bad memory, especially with today's technology. Set a reminder for a few days before and the day before and the morning of so you don't forget. It's that simple.


----------



## joshm (Feb 18, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> It's hard to help you without more information. Does your wife know about your early affair? *Yes, she does.* Does she know about all the lies you've been telling her or are you still holding back some truths. *Yes, she does.* And to be quite frank, I disagree on the respect in the bedroom not needing to be elaborated on. If you've disrespected her, it would help to know how. *In the heat of the moment I did something that I knew was pretty well not ok without any prior conversation/permission. She rightfully got very angry and my first move was actually to get defensive... *
> 
> You definitely need to continue the counseling. That will help with your need to never disappoint people. We all disappoint those we love at some point, it's part of being human. But if you're lying and being deceitful that's not okay.* I definitely plan on it. And it's not just "disappointing" her, it's trying to avoid the conflict. I don't want her to be mad/angry/upset so I blurt out a lie (and then usually keep backing up the lie because I've already lied so I feel like I have to stick to it...) even though I KNOW without any shadow of a doubt that she will 1) likely find out about the lie and 2) be WAYYYY more pissed that I lied than by whatever it was that I lied about*
> 
> As for keeping up with appointments, get a calendar. Every time she asks you to do something, put it into your phone. I have a horrible memory so I have Siri remind me of tons of stuff. Just yesterday my neighbors asked to take their dog overnight. I said yes and immediately told Siri to remind me about an hour before I needed to go get her from their house so I could walk her. If I hadn't done that I might have forgotten to get the poor thing. There are ways around a bad memory, especially with today's technology. Set a reminder for a few days before and the day before and the morning of so you don't forget. It's that simple.. *I don't know why, but I use my phone/watch to set reminders for lots of thingsFor some reason, some of the most important things usually aren't what the reminders get set for. It's usually stuff like "call so-and-so at noon tomorrow" and other far less important things...*


Also, thanks for the words. I really appreciate it.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

joshm said:


> Also, thanks for the words. I really appreciate it.


So it sounds to me like you owe her an apology for disrespecting her in bed. Be honest, you are sorry and you're sorry for getting defensive. How are you at giving apologies? It's an important skill to be able to admit you were wrong and be sincere in your words. And more importantly, never, ever do that again.

As far as setting reminders, just start setting them for everything and that way nothing will get missed. As soon as she asks for something, set the reminder. End of story. 

So you hate for her to be angry or upset with you. You need to learn that's not usually the end of a relationship. But, trying to avoid that all the time by lying, will cause the end of your relationship. What kind of things have you done to help her heal after your affair? Did you just pretend it hadn't happened? Are you cognizant of how much damage you did to her by having this affair? There is a book called How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair. You should read it.


----------



## joshm (Feb 18, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> So it sounds to me like you owe her an apology for disrespecting her in bed. Be honest, you are sorry and you're sorry for getting defensive. How are you at giving apologies? It's an important skill to be able to admit you were wrong and be sincere in your words. And more importantly, never, ever do that again. *I have apologized, sincerely and several times. The issue is that my apologies seem to be getting "watered down" as it seems like I've been apologizing a lot lately... (For reference, this incident was only a couple of days ago, and there have been several lie/deception issues in the very recent past)*
> 
> As far as setting reminders, just start setting them for everything and that way nothing will get missed. As soon as she asks for something, set the reminder. End of story. *Fair point.*
> 
> So you hate for her to be angry or upset with you. You need to learn that's not usually the end of a relationship. But, trying to avoid that all the time by lying, will cause the end of your relationship. What kind of things have you done to help her heal after your affair? Did you just pretend it hadn't happened? Are you cognizant of how much damage you did to her by having this affair? There is a book called How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair. You should read it. *So, the problem is that I KNOW that if I tell her the truth it'll be way better than the alternative. That's what I can't wrap my head around. I'm a fairly logical person by nature, and this is just so illogical it's ridiculous. Had I told her that I caved and bought a pack of cigarettes instead of her finding them, had I told her that I borrowed money, had I told her that it was me and not the dog... Literally, big or small, everything can be worked through TOGETHER with her help. We're a damn team and I know it... I KNOW that all of these things are way less of a big deal (even the things that ARE a big deal) than lying about them and her finding out... Also, for frame of reference, the cheating incident was about 12 years ago. While that doesn't take away the wrong that it was, and it does still come up from time to time, it's usually in reference to it being one of the MANY lies I've told, rather than as a specific event that is currently being dealt with. *


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Just so you know, pathological lying and/or cheating are deal-breakers for me.

Sounds like a habit that you have been doing since childhood. Did you enjoy getting away with stuff as an immature child? Developmentally, you have missed a couple of levels with regard to integrity--address that in therapy. Why is change so hard for you when the rewards are so great? Maybe, you do not see the rewards as good?

A real man tells the truth and takes his medicine--or maybe he tries to live a better life so he doesn't have to lie. Would you say to her, "I do not trust you?" That is actually what you are doing when you lie. 

You are also self-sabotaging. You say you know, but your mouth gets ahead of your brain? Practice, alone in front of a mirror--telling the truth. Next time you lie--punish yourself immediately--and say, "No that was not right, it was this way." You could also set up some other punishment for yourself that would be more heinous than telling the truth.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Oh good grief, really? 

Dude, I don't have the words. But get your head screwed on today, come clean with yourself, and take the blame and correct it by asking her what you can do to earn her back. This is your first step.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@joshm you need counselling to fix yourself.

As for the appointments? This will help: https://calendar.google.com/calendar/r


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you're serious about changing then start with remembering things important to your wife by using Google Calendar as @MattMatt suggested. Set reminders using multiple apps if you have to.

I have no comment on the year long affair. You cheated, your wife stayed and married you anyway. Her decision, done deal, nothing more to say on the subject.

The lying. Oh, the lying. That's HUGE. It's difficult to build and share a life with someone you cannot trust and liars cannot be trusted with anything. My exH was a chronic liar. He'd lie about where he was, if he sent or dropped off a bill payment, whether or not he ate the leftovers, if he took out the trash, just anything and everything. It was exhausting to have to constantly monitor a grown human. He gave the same reasons you give. He didn't want to deal with confrontation. He didn't want me to be angry or upset. So, he lied. Which usually only served to delay the confrontation and increase the anger or upset. He didn't just lie to me, either. He lied to friends, family, bosses, co-workers, random people in line at the bank. Little white lies, "exaggerations", almost never total fabrications, but based in at least some truth. Some lies he told so often he actually believed them. That blew my mind. I realized that not only could I not trust a word he said, but that we weren't even living in the same reality.

That marriage failed for multiple reasons and the lying was definitely one of the top reasons.

I heard through the kids he went to therapy. Apparently, he failed to do the work because I never stopped getting calls from the kids to vent to me about their father's latest bald-faced lie.

Get into therapy with a good therapist and do the work. Whatever you need to do to stop the lying, do it. Being an honest person for your wife needs to be your life's mission.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*"In the heat of the moment I did something that I knew was pretty well not ok without any prior conversation/permission. She rightfully got very angry and my first move was actually to get defensive..."*

This tells me that you *don't *love your wife. You use her. You don't even value her enough to be truthful about a damn fart.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

When you lie about everything your perception becomes flawed.
And when it comes to make the BIG decisions, when you need to count on yourself, you will choose wrong. 
You will crash and burn.

Tell the truth....or at the least do not lie.
Read "12 Rules for life" It's a great way to start to rectify your life.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

First you need to accept that dishonesty is hardly ever about "protecting" the person you are lying to. You lie to protect you and your serious lack of intestinal fortitude. You also have a serious lack of respect for her...the lying...the bedroom issue...the cheating. Try growing some balls and tell her the truth up front, then respect her by giving her the choice of whether or not to forgive you. It really isnt that difficult.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow, your wife must be a saint!

The constant lying would have done me in years ago. How exhausting.


----------



## joshm (Feb 18, 2020)

StillSearching said:


> When you lie about everything your perception becomes flawed.
> And when it comes to make the BIG decisions, when you need to count on yourself, you will choose wrong.
> You will crash and burn.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. What you say is very insightful, as I've discovered that I've lied so much that there have been times that I've honestly convinced myself that it was the truth. And looking back on things from long ago, there's a cloudy uncertainty to everything - what WAS actually the truth?.... The stupid little lies, even those about utterly meaningless and unimportant things, make 100% certain that I can't count on myself, and will choose wrong without even thinking about it first.

I've been to therapy previously, and "figured out" that my problem was "simply" that I speak too quickly - that I don't think about what I'm going to say before I say it. While that IS true (it was then and is still one of my worst avenues to lying), it was only a scratch on the surface. After a while in therapy, I figured out this was "THE REASON" behind my lying, and actually did get better at it for a period of time. Thought I had it all figured out/solved.... All the while I'm sure that I had a bigger lie/secret/deception hiding in my back pocket that I refused to admit. 

It's like a guy who hasn't showered in weeks and is covered in stench and filth washing one hand and saying "There, that's better. Problem solved!"


----------



## joshm (Feb 18, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> *"In the heat of the moment I did something that I knew was pretty well not ok without any prior conversation/permission. She rightfully got very angry and my first move was actually to get defensive..."*
> 
> This tells me that you *don't *love your wife. You use her. You don't even value her enough to be truthful about a damn fart.


And thank YOU for this. Fairly harsh words and I appreciate them. I know in my heart that I DO love my wife. But you're right - my words (and even true feelings) may say I love you, but my actions certainly do not. Actions > words...


----------



## joshm (Feb 18, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> Get into therapy with a good therapist and do the work. Whatever you need to do to stop the lying, do it. Being an honest person for your wife needs to be your life's mission.


I am and I intend to make it my life's mission. I've actually seen many people use the phrase "do the work." This may sound completely ignorant, but I'm trying to figure out what exactly TO do.... I'm reading A LOT, just started seeing a therapist, and am finding that these boards (both reading and posting) seem helpful, but that's just it, all of these things seem fairly passive. I'm basically reading/writing/talking, and that's all. I want to do MORE. I'm up for the work, anything. And, to be honest, while *I* may think that reading/writing/talking is helpful, I don't know that she will...


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

joshm said:


> TLDR – 13 year relationship, married almost a year and a half. I cheated in the very beginning; have had numerous and extensive issues lying about money/cheating/smoking (large things); have had even more numerous and extensive issues lying about stupid/small/insignificant things; have shown numerous bouts of disrespect for her. All of this, despite the fact that* I love her more than anything, have the utmost respect for her, and have the strong DESIRE to change myself* to be a good husband (and person in general).


The first thing you need to do is to stop lying to yourself. You can't do these things to someone you love and respect. No sale.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Along with the good info above it may be best to prep yourself to immediately say "no, that's not it etc" after you blurt something out that you start or keep lying to support the first lie. 

Be double quick with the "that's not it" right after an auto response and at some point you'll start to feel less stress, at least on the blurting stuff out.

She may well appreciate that small step after she observes you actively doing it consistently every and I mean every time.

But if there's any hope, you've got some work to do.

Don't be afraid to appreciate the small wins as this goes along. 

Best,


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

In order for your therapy to have any kind of helpful effect, you MUST be honest with the therapist. Are you? There is nothing more frustrating and soul sucking than living with a liar. All of your apologies dont mean a damn thing if you dont change your behavior. I am having an issue wrapping my brain around how you can be aware of this issue, yet you just keep doing it. Maybe you need a specialized therapist? I do wish you luck, I have no clue why in the world your wife is still there.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Doing the work in your case would be truly, openly, without equivocation, accepting that you are a broken, selfish person.

We all chafe at that sort of self-judgment, but not truly facing our selfish impulses means that we lie to ourselves and make excuses - 'I'm really a good person who does some bad things.'

You are someone that your wife cannot trust. That makes you unsafe for her. She can't put her heart in your hands because you have shown her over and over again that you are untrustworthy. You cheat and lie. Say it out loud and then sit in it. Start accepting that you are not a decent person.

If you can stop whatever natural denial you feel, then you can start to become a better, less selfish human being. Stop making every interaction with your wife about you. Focus on her pain. Work on developing some real empathy. Go minute by minute, day by day. Live from this moment on in radical honesty. Start training yourself to be honest. Concentrate on not lying.

Every day that you are an honest person is a day that you were a decent human being. Become better for the wife you say you love so much if you can't just do it for you.

At 36, you're not a kid who just needs to grow up. You sound like you are literally disgusting yourself at this point. Use that disgust to do what you can - you can't undo your past behavior, but you can be honest going forward. (And don't think you should just sweep the past under the rug - if your wife wants to talk about it relentlessly, then you talk about it relentlessly.)

Owning it is accepting who you really are and making real changes. You can start today. If you are honest today, you have a beginning to build on.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

joshm said:


> Thank you for this. What you say is very insightful, as I've discovered that I've lied so much that there have been times that I've honestly convinced myself that it was the truth. And looking back on things from long ago, there's a cloudy uncertainty to everything - what WAS actually the truth?.... The stupid little lies, even those about utterly meaningless and unimportant things, make 100% certain that I can't count on myself, and will choose wrong without even thinking about it first.
> 
> I've been to therapy previously, and "figured out" that my problem was "simply" that I speak too quickly - that I don't think about what I'm going to say before I say it. While that IS true (it was then and is still one of my worst avenues to lying), it was only a scratch on the surface. After a while in therapy, I figured out this was "THE REASON" behind my lying, and actually did get better at it for a period of time. Thought I had it all figured out/solved.... All the while I'm sure that I had a bigger lie/secret/deception hiding in my back pocket that I refused to admit.
> 
> It's like a guy who hasn't showered in weeks and is covered in stench and filth washing one hand and saying "There, that's better. Problem solved!"


BS. All of it. Soup to nuts.

You lie because you get something out of it, and because whatever that something is, it's more important to you than your integrity. 

So decide. Decide to live a life of total integrity from this point forward, or don't. But don't sit here and spin out stories here like this. 

You already know what you get out of lying. It got you an affair, for one thing. I'm guessing it's either because you have a strong ego and think you're better than the people you're lying to, or because you have a very frail ego and you're protecting that weakness by lying about things. Either way, you're getting something.

Let's start right here:



joshm said:


> And thank YOU for this. Fairly harsh words and I appreciate them. I know in my heart that I DO love my wife. But you're right - my words (and even true feelings) may say I love you, but my actions certainly do not. Actions > words...


No, you don't. You may care for her. You may successfully lie to yourself that you love your wife. But you don't, really, otherwise you wouldn't be abusing her this way. And it is abuse, full stop. You clearly care for whatever it is that makes you want to lie more than you care for your wife. 

Your actions are the truth in all things.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> *"In the heat of the moment I did something that I knew was pretty well not ok without any prior conversation/permission. She rightfully got very angry and my first move was actually to get defensive..."*
> 
> This tells me that you don't love your wife. You use her. You don't even value her enough to be truthful about a damn fart.
> 
> ...


 @joshm, 

I'm no therapist so I'm not going to even attempt to give you some "to do's" as far as "How to Stop Lying" goes. I know I myself was unfaithful many years ago, and I learned two things I'd like to share with you:

1) Love is an ACTION...not a feeling. I suspect you think you love your wife because say words out loud and have some accompanying feelings. But you know what? Words are only warm puffs of air across vocal chords unless the words are BACKED UP by actions. When words and actions MATCH--they the words are believeable and worthy of trust (trustworthy). When actions do not back up what the words are saying, then they truly are only warm puffs of air across vocal chords. 

In addition, feelings can change on a whim! Feelings vary based on the time of the month, hormone fluctuations, hunger, anger, tiredness or loneliness. Feelings come and go. They are fleeting and you just can not make a decision based on feelings nor are they sufficient to use as a foundation on which to build a life. As an example, I adore my Beloved Hubby (in word and deed); I absolutely have smooshy, lovey-dovey feelings for him. But last month he walked squarely onto one of my emotional landmines (feeling ignored) and in that moment, I did not feel smooshy toward him. I felt panicked, abandoned, and a dozen other emotions that had to do with PTSD and did not have to do with him! If I based my life with him on my emotions, that would have been a deal-breaking day, all based on ME having an emotional response to something that is not in the present! 

This is why we say that you don't love your wife. Oh I bet you do have "feelings" at the moment, and maybe even most of the time. In all honesty, I suspect some of the feelings you feeling right now are related to the fact that you may actually lose her because of all the deception and you don't want to experience the natural consequence of your choice to lie. But even if we agree that you have feelings of emotional love, what you don't have is ACTIONS of actually caring for HER (above yourself) and actually treating her in a loving way. 

See loving, and commitment, and vows all mean that you are making a promise voluntarily to spend the rest of your life treating your spouse in a loving way. Using a commonly known definition from the Bible (I'm using the Amplified version here just to augment the definition): _Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]. Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]._

Now granted, I don't know if any of us ever truly perfect loving. But see that definition above? Those are the actions to which we would aspire if we were to want to state "I love my spouse." That means I make the effort to learn to endure his little quirks and needs with patience and serenity. Yes, I patiently grin when he uses my toothbrush AGAIN. It means I make the effort to act toward him in a kind way. What is being KIND? It's being considerate and compassionate--and yet how is doing something in bed that you KNOW she does not like, does not approve of, is not comfortable with, and is upsetting to her CONSIDERATE of what she likes and wants? How is that showing compassion for what she is and isn't comfortable with? IT"S NOT!!! And thus, it is not a loving action. And if it's not a loving action, then guess what? It's not love. 

2) Honesty is risky. When I had my affair, I lived a lot of my life deceptively--to myself, to my family, and to my spouse. At the time, I didn't think of it that way, but when we agreed to be ALL IN and do the hard work to reconcile, I agreed to take personal responsibility for myself, what I had done, and HOW I THOUGHT. And one of the things I quickly realized was that I was not being transparent. I did not allow people to see the True Me--I allowed people to see a dishonest image of "Me". As an example, I wanted to be seen as a good wife, a good mom, a christian lady, etc. but IN REAL LIFE I was committing adultery! I was a horrible wife, because I was doing the most painful, unloving thing to my spouse in the world: cheating. But I was lying to myself about it, and presenting a false front. In order to become a truthful, honest person, I had to put away all the false fronts and let people see the True Me, warts and all. 

Now to me, this felt like undressing in the window of Macy's in downtown NYC. It also felt a little like peeling away the layers of an onion to reveal the rotten insides! But that's only because I (falsely) thought that if people like my hubby saw what I REALLY was and saw the True Me that they would not love me. That was my fear. To become an honest person, I had to take the risk that I might not be loved. 

I also had to take the risk, over and over again, of not building a wall/false front, and letting people see my real thoughts and feelings. I had to risk saying what I really thought. I had to risk expressing how I really felt. I had to let people IN. I had to believe they wouldn't reject me. I had to have faith that a mistake would not result in emotional punishment or withholding. In other words, I had to RISK...and I had to have some faith in my partner. 

If you want to become an honest person, you don't just stop lying. You start practicing vulnerability and transparency. You stop one...and start the other. Stop lying...start telling the truth.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What @Affaircare said. Perhaps you need a ethical, moral, philosophical, or spiritual stake in the ground.

The bible's good. Stoicism's good. Buddhism is good.

Here's mine:









Find a path and stick to it. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself, because you are far from the path.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

joshm said:


> Thank you for this. What you say is very insightful, as I've discovered that I've lied so much that there have been times that I've honestly convinced myself that it was the truth. And looking back on things from long ago, there's a cloudy uncertainty to everything - what WAS actually the truth?.... The stupid little lies, even those about utterly meaningless and unimportant things, make 100% certain that I can't count on myself, and will choose wrong without even thinking about it first.
> 
> I've been to therapy previously, and "figured out" that my problem was "simply" that I speak too quickly - that I don't think about what I'm going to say before I say it. While that IS true (it was then and is still one of my worst avenues to lying), it was only a scratch on the surface. After a while in therapy, I figured out this was "THE REASON" behind my lying, and actually did get better at it for a period of time. Thought I had it all figured out/solved.... All the while I'm sure that I had a bigger lie/secret/deception hiding in my back pocket that I refused to admit.
> 
> It's like a guy who hasn't showered in weeks and is covered in stench and filth washing one hand and saying "There, that's better. Problem solved!"


The real work comes to learn WHY one tells the truth. Put the work in or pay a heavier price.
It's no simple answer to get to, it take heavy self reflection. 
Loads of reading. 
MC is a waste of time. IC can guide you to material. But you can get that here for free.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Simplify your life by making these improvements. You'll have more peace, period.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I didn’t read through. Just read Op.

Just going to say, sometimes, I need affection. I do not care if you wash the dishes, put on a load of laundry...etc.

I want to be held.

The other things matter when being a partner, but there is more.

Hold her.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Here’s the thing, I read the OPs responses on here, and just assume most of it is BS, because he’s a known liar. So if I view it that way, chances are his wife just assumes most of what he says is a lie too. What a miserable relationship. 

I have a cousin like this. It was my first experience as a kid with a chronic liar. It was so bizarre to me, because most of her lies served no purpose. Quickly I just stopped believing anything she said. I no longer wanted to play with her (we were very young, she was probably only 4 or 5 at the time, me 6 or 7.) She was super fun, but then the lying started and I was like...whaaatttt?

Due to family gatherings I would still get stuck being around her some. She is no different as an adult, just more skilled. She has ruined every life she has become involved with including, her own children and spouses. She no longer has a relationship with any of her family. Everyone eventually just gave up. She is toxic. Yet, friendly, beautiful, so fun to be around etc. She reels in the unsuspecting. Lying from the first minute to the last. 

I still don’t understand people like this, but they do kinda scare me, so I avoid them as much as possible. I don’t even want to give them the chance to quote me, since it will most likely be a lie.


----------

