# What Was My Husband Doing?



## seaglass

Hello Ladies, I am new to this message board but I have to get some advice! So, my husband & I were invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend of a mutual friend. Our friends were giving the party but wanted us to be there because the friend having the birthday had lots of family & friends there that she didn't know. My husband and I barely know the birthday girl but we went anyway to support our friends having the party. Once the birthday girl arrived, she was very surprised and had lots of friends & family coming up to her and she was trying to visit with several different groups. At some point during this time, my husband went to this birthday girl and asked what she would like to drink....there was an open bar that night. He then proceeded to get the drink from the bar and take it to her. Basically, now this birthday girl has talked nonstop to my other friend about sweet that was of my husband to do that for her! She continues to sing his praises and says that he isn't the typical man to do something that sweet! My thoughts are that it was a flirtatious advancement towards this birthday girl....please let me know what your opinions are on this!!


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## ccpowerslave

Getting drinks is for wife/girlfriend only in my book.


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## seaglass

ccpowerslave said:


> Getting drinks is for wife/girlfriend only in my book.


That's exactly how I feel and he doesn't understand why I'm upset!


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## Diana7

Maybe he saw it as something nice to do for her birthday? Not everything has to be suspicious.
It's not as if he hid it from you. Here in the UK it's common for people to buy each other drinks.


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## seaglass

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he saw it as something nice to do for her birthday? Not everything has to be suspicious.
> It's not as if he hid it from you. Here in the UK it's common for people to buy each other drinks.


Oh, but he did hide it from me! The only reason I found out about it is because I heard our mutual friend tell him how much the birthday girl appreciated him for doing that and how she thinks he "hung the moon" now. He totally kept it from me....it's not like he asked me before he did it. Do you think it's a little more sketchy now?


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## Al_Bundy

I've never gotten a drink (free or otherwise) for a woman that I didn't find attractive (_want to bang_).


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## joannacroc

The hiding it and her reaction set up a lot of red flags for me.


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## seaglass

Al_Bundy said:


> I've never gotten a drink (free or otherwise) for a woman that I didn't find attractive (_want to bang_).


Thank you for your honesty!!


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## seaglass

joannacroc said:


> The hiding it and her reaction set up a lot of red flags for me.


Yes, I agree!


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## Personal

@seaglass it sounds like your husband is a decent bloke, getting a drink for the birthday girl as a guest of her birthday party.



Al_Bundy said:


> I've never gotten a drink (free or otherwise) for a woman that I didn't find attractive (_want to bang_).


You'd struggle in Australia, since it's pretty common for both men and women to buy each other drinks in group social settings.

"It's your shout."

It's my shout."

"What are you having?"


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## seaglass

Personal said:


> @seaglass it sounds like your husband is a decent bloke, getting a drink for the birthday girl as a guest of her birthday party.
> 
> 
> 
> You'd struggle in Australia, since it's pretty common for both men and women to buy each other drinks in group social settings.
> 
> "It's your shout."
> 
> It's my shout."
> 
> "What are you having?"


Yes, I would....this was not that kind of setting!!


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## Diana7

seaglass said:


> Oh, but he did hide it from me! The only reason I found out about it is because I heard our mutual friend tell him how much the birthday girl appreciated him for doing that and how she thinks he "hung the moon" now. He totally kept it from me....it's not like he asked me before he did it. Do you think it's a little more sketchy now?


But you were both at the same party?


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## Pip’sJourney

Hiding it is the problem.. and perhaps the intentions behind it.


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## Diana7

Al_Bundy said:


> I've never gotten a drink (free or otherwise) for a woman that I didn't find attractive (_want to bang_).


That's you though. It's pretty common for people generally to buy each other drinks.


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## Diana7

Pip’sJourney said:


> Hiding it is the problem.. and perhaps the intentions behind it.


If they were at the same party how did he hide it?


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## Al_Bundy

I'm guessing she's attractive, maybe younger. He saw a way to go talk to the hot chick but instead of getting drinks everyone, or at least all the women including his wife, he got a drink for just her. Rookie mistake. 

I would say call him out on this so you guys can move past. Unless this is part of a ongoing pattern that you haven't mentioned it was just a very dumb move on his part and you have every right to be mad.


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## Pip’sJourney

Diana7 said:


> If they were at the same party how did he hide it?


Because he didn't tell her .." hey I am going to buy a drink for the bday girl. I think it is a nice gesture.". She had to hear it from a friend... I would not buy some man I did not know a drink and not tell my husband. It is nice.. but to not be frank about it is wrong. Also if they were together the whole night, why did the op not see him bringing her the drinks? The mere presence at the party does not make him innocent of hiding something.


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## Openminded

Yeah, it sounds like he had an agenda — but maybe he didn’t. He’s the only one who knows for sure and he’s not going to tell you if he did so you tell him that’s a definite “no” for the future.


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## In Absentia

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he saw it as something nice to do for her birthday? Not everything has to be suspicious.
> It's not as if he hid it from you. Here in the UK it's common for people to buy each other drinks.


Absolutely! Nothing wrong with it!


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## Personal

Pip’sJourney said:


> Because he didn't tell her .." hey I am going to buy a drink for the bday girl.


Why on earth would he need to tell her, is he seaglass' husband or is he her child? I certainly don't need permission from my wife, or need to check with her, to buy anyone a drink, man or woman, attractive or not.


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## In Absentia

Pip’sJourney said:


> Because he didn't tell her .."


He had to tell her wife he was going to get the girl a drink? Was the wife with him at that time? Sounds like the Middle Ages to me!


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## Pip’sJourney

He does not HAVE to tell her.. but communication is key. Maybe it was innocent.. maybe not. The Op said he in fact did hide it from her so there is the issue.


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## Pip’sJourney

Personal said:


> Why on earth would he need to tell her, is he seaglass' husband or is he her child? I certainly don't need permission from my wife, or need to check with her, to buy anyone a drink, man or woman, attractive or not.


Oh and telling is different than permission.


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## In Absentia

Pip’sJourney said:


> He does not HAVE to tell her.. but communication is key. Maybe it was innocent.. maybe not. The Op said he in fact did hide it from her so there is the issue.


He didn't hide it. He didn't tell her. But we will speculate on the reasons in the next 52 pages (at least)...


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## Personal

Pip’sJourney said:


> He does not HAVE to tell her.. but communication is key. Maybe it was innocent.. maybe not. The Op said he in fact did hide it from her so there is the issue.


Well given how she is reacting, if I were him I would hide it.

If you want someone to be dishonest to you, act like you don't trust them.


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## Trustless Marriage

I don't see him hiding it. I just see him doing a nice thing and didn't think it was anything to tell you about. He didn't pay anything out of his pocket for it. Make sure he understands how you feel and let it go.


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## MarmiteC

As it reads, I agree with others, there's no issue in this at all. Just a courteous thing to do, free bar or not.

But, what were the other circumstances? Why were you not both together at this party at the same time? Did he 'slope off' to go and speak to the birthday girl? Did he get them both a drink and go to a quiet place away from the party to chat? Or had you become separated a point and were chatting to other people, and then he happened to end up chatting to her briefly and offered to get her drink? 
If it's the latter, did he inform you of everything else he did, who he spoke to etc while he wasn't with you? I would not expect him to.

Unless he made a very deliberate attempt to hide this in a secretive setting, leaving your side only for this (in which I would think you would see him slope off), I really don't see an issue.


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## Diana7

seaglass said:


> Yes, I would....this was not that kind of setting!!


There was a bar.


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## Diana7

Pip’sJourney said:


> He does not HAVE to tell her.. but communication is key. Maybe it was innocent.. maybe not. The Op said he in fact did hide it from her so there is the issue.


Maybe he didn't even think it was important enough to mention.


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## Blondilocks

Your friend needs a lesson in how to be a good host. Your husband might have been making up for your friend's neglect. Was it his job to do that? No. Now, that you've set him straight it is doubtful that he will be that considerate in the future.


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## Always Learning

I've been in a similar situation. Went to a wedding for a work friend of my wife. At our table was a couple that I had met a couple of times and my wife is very friendly with the women. two other couples we didn't know and a single girl that was a friend of the bride. My wife sits to my right and her friend to her right and the husband to right of his wife so I cant talk to him. 

The single girls gets seated immediately to my left and the other couples are across the table. This was an open bar wedding for the first few hours. I get up to get my wife a drink and being the polite person I was raised to be I ask the single girl if the would like something while i was already going to the bar. She said yes, so i got it for her. My wife's friend does not drink and her husband is only allowed one or two at an event like this.

After the third time I went to the bar and offered to get a drink for the single girl my wife's friend points it out to her and asks what on earth am I doing (I didn't know this until a little later). Now I was sitting right beside my wife each time I offered. My wife starts giving the cold shoulder doesn't speak to me much, won't dance with me (which she loves to dance). When we get back to our hotel room my wife starts accusing me of hitting on the single girl and ruins the night.

No matter how much I explained to her that I was just being polite to a person who was stuck sitting with a bunch of people she did not know, it did not matter. I even told her if she were ever in the same situation as this girl I would hope someone at the table would be polite enough to offer to do the same for her. I honestly believe that if my wife's friend had never said a word, there would have been no issue.

My point to this is unless your husband has a history of indiscretion, don't penalize him for being polite. There already is a serious lack of politeness in our society.


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## DudeInProgress

I think you’re blowing this up into more than it is. Based on what you’ve described, may be worth a conversation with him to explain that you’re not comfortable with the situation and set some boundaries, but don’t make this into something it’s not.


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## Blondilocks

I think what this boils down to is some women are not accustomed to a man behaving like a gentleman.


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## BigDaddyNY

seaglass said:


> Oh, but he did hide it from me! The only reason I found out about it is because I heard our mutual friend tell him how much the birthday girl appreciated him for doing that and how she thinks he "hung the moon" now. He totally kept it from me....it's not like he asked me before he did it. Do you think it's a little more sketchy now?


How exactly did he hide it from you? You were both at the same party. He didn't even spend a dime, it was an open bar. Your husband sounds like a genuinely nice guy. If the birthday girl hadn't been professing how nice your husband was, would you still be upset?

How should this have played out in your mind? Should he have come to you and said, "Hey, do you mind if I get the birthday girl a drink from the open bar?" 

You've got me worried now. About a month ago my wife and I were at a restaurant/bar to see a band playing on the lawn outside. There was a woman there celebrating her 21st birthday. She and some friends happened to be at the bar while I was getting drinks for us. I asked her what she was drinking and had the bartender make her one and put it on my tab. I said happy birthday and she said thank you. That was the end of that. I never told my wife, never really thought I needed to. Am I in trouble now?


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## Marc878

I’ve done this same thing under similar circumstances before. I was just being nice for the occasion. Thought nothing more of it to be honest.

I can see your concern. What was your husbands demeanor? Did he hang with her after? If not then there’s nothing on his end. Just her getting flattered.


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## MJJEAN

ccpowerslave said:


> Getting drinks is for wife/girlfriend only in my book.





Al_Bundy said:


> I've never gotten a drink (free or otherwise) for a woman that I didn't find attractive (_want to bang_).


Ok, Al and CC, genuine question. Do you not have many females in your lives? 

I've got a sister, SIL, 2 daughters, and 3 nieces old enough to drink. That's just immediate family on my side. DH has 2 SIL, 3 nieces, his mom, and best friends wife who are all old enough to drink. Then we can add a few Aunties, my best friend, her daughter, etc. Between us, at a larger function, there are plenty of female relatives and friends who DH may be kind enough to go fetch a drink for, especially if they are busy setting up a yard thing, grilling, or what have you. It's just being nice. But maybe it's a midwestern thing.

Now, if he were fetching drinks and being extra attentive to another woman THAT would be a problem. But getting the honoree a drink at her own birthday party, in public, while I am there? Eh, I wouldn't get my thong in a twist over it.




Diana7 said:


> If they were at the same party how did he hide it?


Yes. 

There is a difference between getting the birthday girl a single drink, in public, at her party, and "hiding it". He probably didn't think it was a big deal considering the circumstances. 



Pip’sJourney said:


> Because he didn't tell her .." hey I am going to buy a drink for the bday girl. I think it is a nice gesture.". She had to hear it from a friend...


I generally don't make it a habit to tell my spouse when I do little nice things for people. It may come up in conversation, but small gestures of kindness aren't something I think need to be mentioned. Too much like tooting one's own horn.



Personal said:


> If you want someone to be dishonest to you, act like you don't trust them.


At which point they prove you were right not to trust them.

But that's not what happened here, is it? OP's distrust didn't result from a lie. Her husband didn't lie. He just didn't seem to think buying a lady a drink on her birthday, at her birthday party, with his spouse present, was a big deal or mention-worthy.



Blondilocks said:


> I think what this boils down to is some women are not accustomed to a man behaving like a gentleman.


Much like OP's friend, I have a similar appreciation for my best friends husband, D. D's a true old school gentleman in terms of manners, how he treats women, and general societal behavior. He was badly treated and taken advantage of by his ex wife and I told my friend quite seriously that I am happy she found him for many reasons, one of which is I'd have hated to see him fall prey to a user again because he's just so damn sweet.

Do I want to steal him away? HELL NO! I'm not even attracted to him. I want to pinch his cheeks, hug him, and rub his lil bald head. I just really appreciate knowing a rare true gentleman. That's all. Gentleman are so rare in this time that knowing one is kinda a big deal. Sad state we've reached.


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## Pam

I think your husband was being a nice guy. Period. But then I tend to be prone to the "innocent until proven guilty" program.


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## ccpowerslave

MJJEAN said:


> Ok, Al and CC, genuine question. Do you not have many females in your lives?


Nope.

Also if I’m at an event with secondary females such as cousins and stuff I generally don’t like being people’s waiter man or woman. Co-workers I wouldn’t offer a single female a drink by herself, like can I get you a drink specifically not these other guys.

At a birthday or special event, even if I knew the person if she’s a female and I’m getting just her a drink it would be weird IMO.


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## hplove

One thing is for sure , he's got you thinking about it! I would give him the benefit and see it as just being nice and a gentleman.


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## ccpowerslave

Note: This is different than a group of friends out buying a round. No problem with that.

The oddity for me is you’re at a party, you go one on one with a woman, you ask if you can get her a drink.

Well, that’s what I’d do if I want to hook up with her.

My wife or girlfriend, sure. All day long. I’ll get her car washed, carry her over mud puddles, open her car door and offer her a hand, order and pay for her food, put my body between her and crack addicts on the sidewalk. Full Princess treatment!

Random lady at a birthday party, no.


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## Al_Bundy

MJJEAN said:


> Ok, Al and CC, genuine question. Do you not have many females in your lives?
> 
> I've got a sister, SIL, 2 daughters, and 3 nieces old enough to drink. That's just immediate family on my side. DH has 2 SIL, 3 nieces, his mom, and best friends wife who are all old enough to drink. Then we can add a few Aunties, my best friend, her daughter, etc. Between us, at a larger function, there are plenty of female relatives and friends who DH may be kind enough to go fetch a drink for, especially if they are busy setting up a yard thing, grilling, or what have you. It's just being nice. But maybe it's a midwestern thing.


You just described a family get together, completely different than a gathering of unrelated couples. He wasn't getting Aunt Phyllis a glass of sweet tea.


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## Al_Bundy

ccpowerslave said:


> Note: This is different than a group of friends out buying a round. No problem with that.
> 
> The oddity for me is you’re at a party, you go one on one with a woman, you ask if you can get her a drink.
> 
> Well, that’s what I’d do if I want to hook up with her.
> 
> My wife or girlfriend, sure. All day long. I’ll get her car washed, carry her over mud puddles, open her car door and offer her a hand, order and pay for her food, put my body between her and crack addicts on the sidewalk. Full Princess treatment!
> 
> Random lady at a birthday party, no.


Exactly.


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## Harold Demure

Hi, like Diana, I have a different perspective coming from the UK. Attending such an event, I would feel it incumbent on me to get the birthday girl a drink, irrespective of whether I paid for it or if it was free. It would be expected of me, would be considered ill mannered if I didn’t and my wife would be fully in line with that expectation.

In addition to this, because it would be an expectation, I probably wouldn’t tell my wife that I had done it that time. She would probably check to see that I had bought the drink.

stand to be corrected, but mountains and molehills come to mind. We call it manners where I come from 🤣


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## uwe.blab

Always Learning said:


> I've been in a similar situation. Went to a wedding for a work friend of my wife. At our table was a couple that I had met a couple of times and my wife is very friendly with the women. two other couples we didn't know and a single girl that was a friend of the bride. My wife sits to my right and her friend to her right and the husband to right of his wife so I cant talk to him.
> 
> The single girls gets seated immediately to my left and the other couples are across the table. This was an open bar wedding for the first few hours. I get up to get my wife a drink and being the polite person I was raised to be I ask the single girl if the would like something while i was already going to the bar. She said yes, so i got it for her. My wife's friend does not drink and her husband is only allowed one or two at an event like this.
> 
> After the third time I went to the bar and offered to get a drink for the single girl my wife's friend points it out to her and asks what on earth am I doing (I didn't know this until a little later). Now I was sitting right beside my wife each time I offered. My wife starts giving the cold shoulder doesn't speak to me much, won't dance with me (which she loves to dance). When we get back to our hotel room my wife starts accusing me of hitting on the single girl and ruins the night.
> 
> No matter how much I explained to her that I was just being polite to a person who was stuck sitting with a bunch of people she did not know, it did not matter. I even told her if she were ever in the same situation as this girl I would hope someone at the table would be polite enough to offer to do the same for her. I honestly believe that if my wife's friend had never said a word, there would have been no issue.
> 
> My point to this is unless your husband has a history of indiscretion, don't penalize him for being polite. There already is a serious lack of politeness in our society.


Totally agree. 

When I am in a large group and do not know people well I quite often offer to grab someone a drink, especially if I am going anyway. There often isn't much else to do. Unless there is something we do not know about, OP is just being a pain. Should be glad to have a thoughtful partner.


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## CountryMike

Personal said:


> Why on earth would he need to tell her, is he seaglass' husband or is he her child? I certainly don't need permission from my wife, or need to check with her, to buy anyone a drink, man or woman, attractive or not.


This is exactly what I was thinking. It was her b'day. The H got her a drink from an open bar as courtesy or birthday well wishes.
And the H didn't blather on about it, and why would he? It wasn't a big deal at all.

Kind of mountains and molehill here. Really. 

Unless OP knows more and isn't sharing this is way not a big deal.


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## CountryMike

Pip’sJourney said:


> He does not HAVE to tell her.. but communication is key. Maybe it was innocent.. maybe not. The Op said he in fact did hide it from her so there is the issue.


He didn't hide it, he just didn't go on about it because it was a trivial social act.

Big difference.


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## CountryMike

Al_Bundy said:


> You just described a family get together, completely different than a gathering of unrelated couples. He wasn't getting Aunt Phyllis a glass of sweet tea.


He also didn't give her a beverage with a note that said meet me later. Good manners is the worst thing here. Minor thing, at that.


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## Nailhead

I see no harm in your husband offering to get the birthday lady a drink. Personally I would not have but that is my personality. My BIL on the other hand has that kind of personality.


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## Al_Bundy

Nailhead said:


> I see no harm in your husband offering to get the birthday lady a drink. Personally I would not have but that is my personality. My BIL on the other hand has that kind of personality.


I think that's the key with your BIL, it's his personality, he probably does that for everybody. If this was out of character that might be what is bothering her. Especially if birthday girl is attractive.


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## harperlee

Blondilocks said:


> Now, that you've set him straight it is doubtful that he will be that considerate in the future.


Lol. I guess TAM will have to figure out why seaglass is super jealous of her husband receiving compliments. Nothing pisses some spouses off more than other people seeing their partner as cool humans. Go figure.


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## MJJEAN

ccpowerslave said:


> Nope.
> 
> Also if I’m at an event with secondary females such as cousins and stuff I generally don’t like being people’s waiter man or woman. Co-workers I wouldn’t offer a single female a drink by herself, like can I get you a drink specifically not these other guys.
> 
> At a birthday or special event, even if I knew the person if she’s a female and I’m getting just her a drink it would be weird IMO.


This is your personality, I guess. I've had plenty of fellows at parties see me without a drink or a low drink and ask if I want one. DH has gotten ladies drinks at parties to be polite in the same way. I don't see anything odd about it. 



Al_Bundy said:


> You just described a family get together, completely different than a gathering of unrelated couples. He wasn't getting Aunt Phyllis a glass of sweet tea.


That bit was to illustrate a number of women a man might get a drink for who aren't his wife.

But, in general, a lot of family may be at a social gathering or it may just be friends. Either way, it's not odd to get a lady a drink. If she's the honoree it'd be damn near required gentlemen get her drinks throughout the party as a matter of politeness since it's her day and all.


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## LATERILUS79

seaglass said:


> Hello Ladies, I am new to this message board but I have to get some advice! So, my husband & I were invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend of a mutual friend. Our friends were giving the party but wanted us to be there because the friend having the birthday had lots of family & friends there that she didn't know. My husband and I barely know the birthday girl but we went anyway to support our friends having the party. Once the birthday girl arrived, she was very surprised and had lots of friends & family coming up to her and she was trying to visit with several different groups. At some point during this time, my husband went to this birthday girl and asked what she would like to drink....there was an open bar that night. He then proceeded to get the drink from the bar and take it to her. Basically, now this birthday girl has talked nonstop to my other friend about sweet that was of my husband to do that for her! She continues to sing his praises and says that he isn't the typical man to do something that sweet! My thoughts are that it was a flirtatious advancement towards this birthday girl....please let me know what your opinions are on this!!


I can see both sides of this argument. I can see your husbands action bothering you and I can see it as no big deal.

I’m mostly curious about the birthday girl’s reaction. Why? Why is she going on and on about a simple gesture? How in the hell has your husband “hung the moon” over getting a freakin’ drink for her?

this is what makes me suspicious the most.


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## ccpowerslave

I think it might also be I have strong “let me get you a drink” game. It’s a lady killer, so you leave that in the break glass in case of emergency section because it’s too dangerous to let out.


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## CountryMike

My W would ask me to go get a drink for her, if she observed the birthday girl or boy was drinkless.


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## Young at Heart

seaglass said:


> Oh, but he did hide it from me! The only reason I found out about it is because I heard our mutual friend tell him how much the birthday girl appreciated him for doing that and how she thinks he "hung the moon" now. He totally kept it from me....it's not like he asked me before he did it. Do you think it's a little more sketchy now?


If this is the worst thing your husband has ever done, you are a lucky wife. 

Don't overthink this. Clearly you feel threatened and afraid of something. My suggestion is figure out what your fear really is and why. Then talk to your H, but not about what he did, but about your fears. Explain to him your fears and ask if he can help you deal with your fears.

Good luck.


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## AGoodFlogging

Harold Demure said:


> Hi, like Diana, I have a different perspective coming from the UK. Attending such an event, I would feel it incumbent on me to get the birthday girl a drink, irrespective of whether I paid for it or if it was free. It would be expected of me, would be considered ill mannered if I didn’t and my wife would be fully in line with that expectation.
> 
> In addition to this, because it would be an expectation, I probably wouldn’t tell my wife that I had done it that time. She would probably check to see that I had bought the drink.
> 
> stand to be corrected, but mountains and molehills come to mind. We call it manners where I come from 🤣


Completely agree. This is a social expectation in the UK. I would have done exactly the same regardless of gender of the birthday person as well.


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## Luckylucky

I’m from Australia, we drink a lot but in all my married life, no husband or wife has done this. At least in the groups we mix in. I was once offered a drink and rudely turned it down. Sometimes one of the guys shouting will bring drinks, but for a few people, never singling out one woman. 

Your husband sounds like one of those nice people. Nice married people make me queasy. I had a bad injury once and a male neighbour was too nice trying to offer help all the time. I wasn’t singing his praises I wished he would get lost. (I was pretty rude about it) But then another woman would have gushed and praised the male help she was getting and lapped it up. Ahhh he’s sooo kind. What a great man to think of me!! Eckkk. 

She sounds just as silly as your husband. Is she someone you’ll be seeing in the future? Some married people just have weak boundaries and get off on being nice. If it’s a regular pattern for him, I hope he comes across a meanie like me who’ll shoot him down a notch 😬 I like to stay married and reserve all my kindness and niceness for my husband and kids and good friends. I get nothing from praise and being a saintly good person in the community, but some people do. Maybe I mix in different circles, but we do have one friend like that girl who we don’t see regularly, but she’s a bit like your husband and that girl. We like to say, ‘she’s in fine form tonight’. But mostly we mix with similar people.


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## seaglass

Diana7 said:


> But you were both at the same party?


Yes, but there were a lot of people there....he did it in a very sneaky way!


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## Harold Demure

Seaglass, sorry you feel this way and don’t wish to demean you by saying this appears to be a small issue so what is the real problem here?


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## BigDaddyNY

seaglass said:


> Yes, but there were a lot of people there....he did it in a very sneaky way!


In what way was it sneaky?


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## ElwoodPDowd

AGoodFlogging said:


> Completely agree. This is a social expectation in the UK. I would have done exactly the same regardless of gender of the birthday person as well.


As a Brit can't say I've ever had this 'social expectation'.
The only time I fetch/buy drinks for women is when I'm thinking of banging them.
As my wife says, "getting a girl a drink is the opening move in negotiating for sex with her"


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## MJJEAN

ElwoodPDowd said:


> As my wife says, "getting a girl a drink is the opening move in negotiating for sex with her"


About 3 generations ago, maybe. Now? People of both genders will fetch drinks for each other without a thought other than being a bro.


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## ccpowerslave

MJJEAN said:


> About 3 generations ago, maybe. Now? People of both genders will fetch drinks for each other without a thought other than being a bro.


I dunno if, “Can I buy you a drink?” or, “What are you drinking? I’ll have one and then another for her please.” aren’t some of the oldest pickup lines I don’t know what is.

It’s also pretty dangerous for a woman to accept a drink from a man she doesn’t know unless she watches it being made and handled the entire time.


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## ElwoodPDowd

MJJEAN said:


> About 3 generations ago, maybe. Now? People of both genders will fetch drinks for each other without a thought other than being a bro.


Depends where you live I guess, it certainly wasn't normal in the UK 10 years back, or in Asia at any time.


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## MJJEAN

ccpowerslave said:


> I dunno if, “Can I buy you a drink?” or, “What are you drinking? I’ll have one and then another for her please.” aren’t some of the oldest pickup lines I don’t know what is.


That's kinda the point. It's such an old, tired, lame, outdated thing. 

Getting drinks for people who appear without is normal and expected regardless of gender. No implications of anything other than being nice and/or polite. Times change.


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## ccpowerslave

MJJEAN said:


> That's kinda the point. It's such an old, tired, lame, outdated thing.
> 
> Getting drinks for people who appear without is normal and expected regardless of gender. No implications of anything other than being nice and/or polite. Times change.


So you go to an office Xmas party and you don’t know any of the people there except for your friend who brought you, you see a lady without a drink and you just go up and ask her (a stranger) if she’d like a drink and that has no intention behind it? Interesting. I would only ever do that if I was interested in the woman.


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## BigDaddyNY

ccpowerslave said:


> So you go to an office Xmas party and you don’t know any of the people there except for your friend who brought you, you see a lady without a drink and you just go up and ask her (a stranger) if she’d like a drink and that has no intention behind it? Interesting. I would only ever do that if I was interested in the woman.


The only thing is this person wasn't a complete stranger and the whole party was for her birthday. This wasn't some random woman at the party that he spotted without a drink. It was the birthday girl. I think that makes a difference and explains a lot.


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## BigDaddyNY

I think it would be good to know how the husband was being sneaky.


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## ccpowerslave

seaglass said:


> So, my husband & I were invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend of a mutual friend.


Friend of a mutual friend = basically stranger.



BigDaddyNY said:


> The only thing is this person wasn't a complete stranger and the whole party was for her birthday. This wasn't some random woman at the party that he spotted without a drink.


Random no, birthday yes, stranger… pretty much. Not too different than my example except for the birthday.


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## Blondilocks

Don't forget - it was an open bar so it's not like he was buying her a drink. He may have been bored and decided to do something useful.


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## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> That's you though. It's pretty common for people generally to buy each other drinks.


He did not even have to buy it. It was open bar. Someone was pouring and maybe he was just helping the friends throwing the party. They say , "I wonder what the Bday girl wants to drink?" Being nice he says "Ill go see"
From now on when this guy passes some woman on road with flat tire he is going to think ,"She can change her own damn tire, I'm not getting involved"


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## Divinely Favored

Pip’sJourney said:


> Because he didn't tell her .." hey I am going to buy a drink for the bday girl. I think it is a nice gesture.". She had to hear it from a friend... I would not buy some man I did not know a drink and not tell my husband. It is nice.. but to not be frank about it is wrong. Also if they were together the whole night, why did the op not see him bringing her the drinks? The mere presence at the party does not make him innocent of hiding something.


It was open bar.


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## sideways

seaglass said:


> Oh, but he did hide it from me! The only reason I found out about it is because I heard our mutual friend tell him how much the birthday girl appreciated him for doing that and how she thinks he "hung the moon" now. He totally kept it from me....it's not like he asked me before he did it. Do you think it's a little more sketchy now?


This is pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Your husband offered to get the birthday girl a drink that is all. He "hid" it from you?

For crying out loud are you so insecure that you expect your husband to come find you at the party and ask your permission if it would be OK to get the birthday girl a drink? Get her a drink as it was open bar so he didn't buy her a drink.

It was a nice gesture that is all.


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## Divinely Favored

Blondilocks said:


> Don't forget - it was an open bar so it's not like he was buying her a drink. He may have been bored and decided to do something useful.


Exactly...i imagine the friend throwing the party was busy with drinks and comment was made and he decided to pitch in. 

So if OP is at dinner party friend throws and she decides to pitch in and help serve...tgen she is hitting on the guys she has served. Goose gander so to speak.


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## MJJEAN

ccpowerslave said:


> So you go to an office Xmas party and you don’t know any of the people there except for your friend who brought you, you see a lady without a drink and you just go up and ask her (a stranger) if she’d like a drink and that has no intention behind it? Interesting. I would only ever do that if I was interested in the woman.


Absolutely. When you see someone at a gathering without a drink you wander up and ask if they'd like one as a matter of social politeness. Again, regardless of gender. 

Parties are about people meeting, chatting, relaxing, and socializing. I can't imagine a gathering, private or company, where strangers didn't do little kindnesses for each other. What the hell would the point of the gathering be otherwise?


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## hamadryad

I don't know if I am a good barometer or not, because I don't drink and while I go to gatherings/dinners and such, I don't generally do "parties".....

I don't know if this is totally harmless or not.. IME, there are a lot of guys that do this type of stuff with no ulterior motives..That is certainly possible, and the fact that the wife was there, is more indication that it was just a gesture and nothing more...Would I do that type of thing ? Nah...

But there is a part of me that always thinks that you don't do stuff like this to women, if you don't want to open the door a crack for some type of reciprocity....That could mean nothing more than what she did by gushing over him to the other guests....but I guess he could also be looking at this from the aspect of planting a seed in her head...

Perhaps as well, the OP may be over reacting a little bit here....I am not surprised, a lot of women want full 100% attention at all times from their SO...Even simply holding a door for a strange woman can start a dust up with a lot of these types...


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## CountryMike

seaglass said:


> Yes, but there were a lot of people there....he did it in a very sneaky way!


I really doubt that. 

Unless you have first hand concrete observance by you in a circumstance that leaves absolutely no room for doubt that H was getting her a drink with specific purposeful nefarious intent, you are making something from nothing. 

Really. Unless you have the conditions I mention above and aren't sharing, do yourself a huge favor and let it go.


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## GC1234

seaglass said:


> Hello Ladies, I am new to this message board but I have to get some advice! So, my husband & I were invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend of a mutual friend. Our friends were giving the party but wanted us to be there because the friend having the birthday had lots of family & friends there that she didn't know. My husband and I barely know the birthday girl but we went anyway to support our friends having the party. Once the birthday girl arrived, she was very surprised and had lots of friends & family coming up to her and she was trying to visit with several different groups. At some point during this time, my husband went to this birthday girl and asked what she would like to drink....there was an open bar that night. He then proceeded to get the drink from the bar and take it to her. Basically, now this birthday girl has talked nonstop to my other friend about sweet that was of my husband to do that for her! She continues to sing his praises and says that he isn't the typical man to do something that sweet! My thoughts are that it was a flirtatious advancement towards this birthday girl....please let me know what your opinions are on this!!


My husband once took out the garbage for a woman, but he also took mine out too, the same night. He still got yelled at that night. He said he was just 'being nice'. I told him He shouldn't be taking out anyone's garbage but mine. 

Your husband did a huge no no in my book. Just out of curiosity, did he get you a drink? It wouldn't matter as he is still in the wrong in my eyes, but if he didn't, that's even worse.

Plusss...he conveniently didn't tell you, you found out from others. He was hiding it obviously. I'd have a nice 'talk' with him, and DO NOT let him make you feel guilty or gaslight you in any way.


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## SunCMars

We don't know the husbands intent.
We do know the receptive feelings of the birthday lady.

It may be innocent on the part of the husband, and odd naivety on the part of the birthday lady.

Maybe, no one has shown her any overt kindness in the past and she was overwhelmed?

She did _hang the moon_ on this simple act from OP's husband.
I find that strange.

He openly showed a stranger...friendliness and courtesy.
I have no opinion on his actions, or possible motives.
What he did was OK.

The ladies response to his getting her a drink was _over the top_.

If you have not said anything, yet, keep quiet, continue observing your husband from a distance.

If this is a _one-off_, don't have worries. If he is a big flirt, that makes this instance painfully additive, and problematic.

You are obviously the jealous type, so am I.
Ah, but I am very reasonable, that said.

_Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars

GC1234 said:


> My husband once took out the garbage for a woman, but he also took mine out too, the same night. He still got yelled at that night. He said he was just 'being nice'. I told him He shouldn't be taking out anyone's garbage but mine.
> 
> Your husband did a huge no no in my book. Just out of curiosity, did he get you a drink? It wouldn't matter as he is still in the wrong in my eyes, but if he didn't, that's even worse.


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## In Absentia

Wow, lots of people with very strict rules here... I do favours for my neighbours (male and females) lots of times... are we allowed to chat to a lady when walking the dog (without asking her number...  ) or not?


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## CountryMike

ccpowerslave said:


> I dunno if, “Can I buy you a drink?” or, “What are you drinking? I’ll have one and then another for her please.” aren’t some of the oldest pickup lines I don’t know what is.
> 
> It’s also pretty dangerous for a woman to accept a drink from a man she doesn’t know unless she watches it being made and handled the entire time.


At a birthday party, with the circumstances stated by OP as there were lots of people around does kind of limit what the intent could be. And the H knew his W was right there to boot.

Kind of defines itself as just an open social interaction.


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## SunCMars

GC1234 said:


> My husband once took out the garbage for a woman, but he also took mine out too, the same night. He still got yelled at that night. He said he was just 'being nice'. I told him He shouldn't be taking out anyone's garbage but mine.
> 
> Your husband did a huge no no in my book. Just out of curiosity, did he get you a drink? It wouldn't matter as he is still in the wrong in my eyes, but if he didn't, that's even worse.
> 
> Plusss...he conveniently didn't tell you, you found out from others. He was hiding it obviously. I'd have a nice 'talk' with him, and DO NOT let him make you feel guilty or gaslight you in any way.


Nor, should he_ haul the ashes _for another woman.


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## GC1234

SunCMars said:


> Nor, should he_ haul the ashes _for another woman.


Sure...whatever floats your boat.


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## LisaDiane

I would have no problem at all with my partner doing something like this for another woman...in fact, I would be proud that he was caring and kind to other people, and that he was noticed for that!! 

He wasn't flirting with her, he wasn't overly interested in her, did she hug and kiss him after? Do they text and spend time together now?

If the answers to those questions are No, I don't understand where the threat is in this situation...


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## GC1234

Listen everyone, to each their own. But clearly this OP's gut told her something was wrong. We've all told other posters to trust their gut, etc, etc. If she feels something was out of line, there must be a reason. 

She should at the very least talk to him about it, so that a. she can get the truth (which she may get) and b. so it doesn't happen again. 

I suggest not letting it fester any longer, and having the talk with him, as opposed to all of us.


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## SunCMars

LisaDiane said:


> I would have no problem at all with my partner doing something like this for another woman...in fact, I would be proud that he was caring and kind to other people, and that he was noticed for that!!
> 
> He wasn't flirting with her, he wasn't overly interested in her, did she hug and kiss him after? Do they text and spend time together now?
> 
> If the answers to those questions are No, I don't understand where the threat is in this situation...


This is Southerner type... neighborly.

True kindness is expressed and acted-out kindness.

We have walled ourselves off from others.


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## Al_Bundy

LisaDiane said:


> I would have no problem at all with my partner doing something like this for another woman...in fact, I would be proud that he was caring and kind to other people, and that he was noticed for that!!
> 
> He wasn't flirting with her, he wasn't overly interested in her, did she hug and kiss him after? Do they text and spend time together now?
> 
> If the answers to those questions are No, I don't understand where the threat is in this situation...


What if your partner only did this for attractive women? Still ok? What if he only does this for women who are..........you know............bangable?


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## CountryMike

Al_Bundy said:


> What if your partner only did this for attractive women? Still ok? What if he only does this for women who are..........you know............bangable?


So you're doing a what if with a totally different set of circumstances?
Why?


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## OddOne

BigDaddyNY said:


> In what way was it sneaky?


On his tiptoes, shifty-eyed and all that? Just a guess.


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## OddOne

OP, you can, as is your right, feel however you want to about your husband's interactions with birthday girl. That said, it would help to know in much better detail exactly how he was being sneaky, aside from him not advertising his actions, and whether or not he did more than bring the girl drinks. Also, and perhaps most importantly, just what is it you want from your husband? Do you want him to concede the issue and apologize? Or would it be enough for him to say his intention wasn't to flirt but acknowledge how it could be perceived that way and at least apologize for his behavior, and promise to be more mindful of his actions in either case? Or is it something else you want? And if you get it, what then?


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## Divinely Favored

This kind of attitude toward people doing nice things is what eventually leads to people not getting involved. Woman being raped in alley...not my business...im not getting involved. 

BS! I was raised to be courteous and get involved. You help your friends/family, you be kind to strangers and you damn sure pull your .45 and put an end to what the rapist in the alley is doing.


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## Al_Bundy

CountryMike said:


> So you're doing a what if with a totally different set of circumstances?
> Why?


The part that OP hasn't told us is if this is out of character. Is he the good ole boy who would get a drink for anyone or was this a way to strike up a conversation with an attractive stranger? So my example could be exactly what happened. Only OP knows.


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## LisaDiane

Al_Bundy said:


> What if your partner only did this for attractive women? Still ok? What if he only does this for women who are..........you know............bangable?


Lolol!!! Ok, funny guy - YES...it's still ok...he can even be FRIENDS with attractive women!

But in all seriousness, I just never worried about that being a threat. I guess I expected him to be attracted to a wide variety of women, whether I made "rules" for how he interacted with them or not, and I expected him to just TELL me if he wanted another woman other than ME. That would have hurt me, ALOT, but me making rules or restricting his interactions wouldn't have prevented him from cheating if he was determined to do so. 

When my STBX did nice things for people, and was complemented for it, I would wrap my arms around him and say, "I know, I'm SO LUCKY!!!"...because I felt like I was!!


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## LisaDiane

CountryMike said:


> So you're doing a what if with a totally different set of circumstances?
> Why?


He's making a joke to me from another thread!


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## Savannah01

Pip’sJourney said:


> Hiding it is the problem.. and perhaps the intentions behind it.


I agree with this — anything you need to HIDE from your spouse that you can’t he honest about is always on the suspicious side of things — if it were casual or not anything at all why not just tell you what he did if it was all in innocent gesture — some men like to mix flirting in these instances and think it’s ok — it’s really not


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## Blondilocks

I'm thinking there is one husband who really looks forward to Mondays so he can go to work.


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## sideways

Savannah01 said:


> I agree with this — anything you need to HIDE from your spouse that you can’t he honest about is always on the suspicious side of things — if it were casual or not anything at all why not just tell you what he did if it was all in innocent gesture — some men like to mix flirting in these instances and think it’s ok — it’s really not


So you're saying, her husband should have found her, to tell her this great thing he just did (getting the birthday girl a drink)?

Should he also tell her every.single.time he holds the door open for a woman because getting a drink for the birthdaygirl ( a free drink mind you) is basically the same thing. If he doesn't tell his wife he held the door open for a woman is he now "hiding" it from her?


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## manwithnoname

OP is probably more bothered by the birthday girl going on about her husband. Some jealousy going on. 

I don't know how he could have been sneaky and hid it in a room full of people. 

I also wonder if he was chatting up birthday girl the whole night, and got her more drinks, and offered to drive her home if she got a little too drunk.


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## CountryMike

Diana7 said:


> But you were both at the same party?


OP, do you actually think he should have ASKED you before performing a normal social act very much right in front of others?


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## BigDaddyNY

sideways said:


> So you're saying, her husband should have found her, to tell her this great thing he just did (getting the birthday girl a drink)?
> 
> Should he also tell her every.single.time he holds the door open for a woman because getting a drink for the birthdaygirl ( a free drink mind you) is basically the same thing. If he doesn't tell his wife he held the door open for a woman is he now "hiding" it from her?


It really is silly. "honey, just wanted to let you know I held the door at the 7-11 for a woman today, are you okay with that?". 

Come on, it is called being polite. If I told my wife every time I did something nice for another woman (or man) it would feel like bragging. 



manwithnoname said:


> OP is probably more bothered by the birthday girl going on about her husband. Some jealousy going on.
> 
> I don't know how he could have been sneaky and hid it in a room full of people.
> 
> I also wonder if he was chatting up birthday girl the whole night, and got her more drinks, and offered to drive her home if she got a little too drunk.


I think this is what is going on. If the BDay girl hadn't been fawning over what OP's husband did this wouldn't be an issue. Definatly sounds like jealousy.


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## hamadryad

It's hard to sit and criticize how someone should feel about the actions of another who they care about....There are all kinds of possibilities...

IME, women are very territorial...I guess men are as well, but it seems like men aren't generally as sensitive when it comes to this topic...Again, experiences vary of course...

Lets say this guy is a major league stud....Eye candy for just about any woman on the street and this woman (OP) lives her life with other women constantly eyeballing her guy...That would be a major point here....I think a lot of women don't care what their boyfriends or husbands do, because for the most part, they are invisible to women on the street....At that point, who cares what he does for any woman? No woman is going to see it as anything more than some guy did something...if they see that guy as attractive, the dynamics automatically change...

You see this a lot...A woman will get a compliment from a homely dude, and roll eyes at him or call him a creep...Get the exact same compliment from some hot dude and she is preening and flipping her hair, telling her friends, etc...

I guess all I am saying is that it's easy for people to sit around and tell someone how they should feel, when they don't know all the conditions....02


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## Divinely Favored

sideways said:


> So you're saying, her husband should have found her, to tell her this great thing he just did (getting the birthday girl a drink)?
> 
> Should he also tell her every.single.time he holds the door open for a woman because getting a drink for the birthdaygirl ( a free drink mind you) is basically the same thing. If he doesn't tell his wife he held the door open for a woman is he now "hiding" it from her?


Exactly. Im thinking if im this guy going to get raked over the coals for this....woman done ever ask me to do a damn thing for any female you know whether friend...family member ...or coworker of yours. Im done.


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## Divinely Favored

BigDaddyNY said:


> It really is silly. "honey, just wanted to let you know I held the door at the 7-11 for a woman today, are you okay with that?".
> 
> Come on, it is called being polite. If I told my wife every time I did something nice for another woman (or man) it would feel like bragging.
> 
> 
> I think this is what is going on. If the BDay girl hadn't been fawning over what OP's husband did this wouldn't be an issue. Definatly sounds like jealousy.


Sounds to me like where they live the guys are mostly hust a bunch of rude asses.


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## ccpowerslave

sideways said:


> Should he also tell her every.single.time he holds the door open for a woman because getting a drink for the birthdaygirl ( a free drink mind you) is basically the same thing. If he doesn't tell his wife he held the door open for a woman is he now "hiding" it from her?


It’s only the same if he grabs drinks the same for men and women in a similar situation.

I hold the door for everyone because you’re supposed to as part of polite manners. Getting women you don’t know a drink when you’re married and then having them carry on about it is not a normal everyday thing.


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## LisaDiane

hamadryad said:


> I guess all I am saying is that it's easy for people to sit around and tell someone how they should feel, when they don't know all the conditions....02


Very TRUE...it's also a natural outcome to posting a question about it on a public forum. 
And she could always have her husband post his side of the story for us to gain more insight...actually, I wish lots of posters would do this!


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## ABHale

There are plenty of wives/girlfriends that flirt on GNO for free drinks.

Are you upset that he got her a drink or that she is singing his praises?

If it was some random girl at a party I could see why you would be upset. He did this for the person the party was for. I could be completely innocent on his party.


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## ABHale

seaglass said:


> Oh, but he did hide it from me! The only reason I found out about it is because I heard our mutual friend tell him how much the birthday girl appreciated him for doing that and how she thinks he "hung the moon" now. He totally kept it from me....it's not like he asked me before he did it. Do you think it's a little more sketchy now?


No. So he left your side and purposely hid the fact or you just didn’t see him do it. There is a difference between the two. 

Did he act like he didn’t want you to know when the friend talked about it to him?


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## ABHale

seaglass said:


> Yes, but there were a lot of people there....he did it in a very sneaky way!


How was it sneaky? 

Did he sneak up to her and whisper in her ear?

Did he make sure you where out of the room first?

Did he ask you to go do something to get you out of the way?

If any of this things are turn, divorce your husband. 

If none of them are true, divorce your husband so he can find someone that isn’t so insecure. 

If this is the only thing you have to complain about, you have a great relationship. 


Open bar means he didn’t pay for the drink. All he did was play the part of a waiter.


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## ABHale

Seaglass, have you gotten a guy to by you a drink since you’ve been with your husband? Not including your husband.


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## Blondilocks

This will teach him to agree to go to a party where he doesn't know 99% of the people there just to support his wife who just wanted to support her friend, the host.

Hope he learned his lesson - no good deed goes unpunished.


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## ABHale

seaglass said:


> Yes, I would....this was not that kind of setting!!


This is that kind of setting. It was a group of people at a birthday party. 

Situation 

Your not with your husband for some reason. 

Your husband looking at all the things going on. Like most men catching details. 

He notices that the birthday girl doesn’t have a drink yet with everyone wanting to talk and wish her a happy birthday. 

Your husband takes action. Hey, I noticed that you haven’t been able to get anything to drink. What would you like?

Then he gets the FREE drink and brings it to her. 

End of story. That is until you blow it out of the water. 

Unless they have been having an affair behind your back. But I guess that is what is going through your mind.


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## ABHale

Pip’sJourney said:


> Because he didn't tell her .." hey I am going to buy a drink for the bday girl. I think it is a nice gesture.". She had to hear it from a friend... I would not buy some man I did not know a drink and not tell my husband. It is nice.. but to not be frank about it is wrong. Also if they were together the whole night, why did the op not see him bringing her the drinks? The mere presence at the party does not make him innocent of hiding something.


He didn’t buy her a drink. It was an open bar.


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## Pam

The husband in this situation was separated by several people (including the birthday girl) from the one man there that he knew and could have talked to. If that other man had been in the seat the birthday girl was in, we wouldn't be having this conversation.


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## cp3o

Openminded said:


> Yeah, it sounds like he had an agenda — but maybe he didn’t. He’s the only one who knows for sure and he’s not going to tell you if he did so you tell him that’s a definite “no” for the future.


It's the sort of thing I would do without any conscious intent. I am friendly, particularly with women l find attractive, but have never expected it to lead anywhere other than a "thanks" and would shut it down if it did. So genuinely innocent that I wouldn't remember it five minutes later, though l'd get a temporary minor kick out of it if I got that feedback. 

Your husband may or may not be like me, but I think you need a lot more, and much more serious, before you worry about his fidelity.


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