# made a decision for me



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

First of all I would like to say the past few weeks have been an ordeal for me, married 22 years, marriage wasn't perfect but never dreamed my hubby would have an affair, I found out 4 weeks ago, and he says he has feelings for the other woman, she works in his office.
He seems regretful I think, any time we discuss the decisions he has made he does nothing by cry....
He has asked me to wait a bit so he can think about his feelings for me..
I don't understand this is he suddenly going to fall out of love with her?
I've thought long and hard about what I could deal with, can I take the fact he slept with someone else? Can I deal with him working with her every day? Can I deal with him having feelings for her?
It might have been different if he had come to me and said I made a mistake and that someone he only knew for 5 months shouldn't ruin what we had.......He didn't do this, just asked for time to think......
Well I told him today that I think the day he slept with someone else was the day he was willing to give me up.
He said he didn't know if that is what he wants.
I told him this situation was just to much for me to deal with and that he should move out and move on with the decisions he started.
It breaks my heart and this is not something I want to do but I honestly don't think I can ever trust or believe in him again. 
This is total disrespect in my thinking and everything about who I am says Why should I put up with this...
I think he should go out on his own and really think about what he wants. 
When I think of all the lies and deceit and the planning the numerous times without even a thought of me or what this would do to me I want to scream.
All he does is crys, I told him what choice do we have now, I could have forgiven what was wrong in our marriage but how can you make something like this go away.....
It must take a better person than me


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

jessi said:


> I've thought long and hard about what I could deal with, can I take the fact he slept with someone else? Can I deal with him working with her every day? Can I deal with him having feelings for her?


Hi Jesse,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree these are the questions you need to ask yourself and honestly, if you cannot imagine rebuilding your trust in him (over time of course) it doesn't make sense to stay in the marriage.

Yes, you can forgive what was wrong in the marriage and work on those things to make your marriage stronger than before, but it will be a difficult road. On the other hand, it can also make you realize that by working together and being open with one another your marriage is much more secure than it had been in the past.

By asking him to move out and stand by his decision you are most likely giving him the reality check he needs and give you some time to process all of this...I would suggest leaving a little room open for hope.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

LuvmyH, no he hasn't a plan yet, although he has looked at places, he still has not told him family after xmas is his plan.

Swedish, I have left the door open a bit, I did tell him maybe after some time has passed I will view things differently, I don't know if I will, but no one knows what the future holds, it's just so raw right now, and I can't imagine myself seeing him go off to work knowing she is there and going to office parties and she will be there, I think if he really has feelings for her then he is no good to me.....I think the fact that he knew how I felt about this subject and the type of person I am, he knew how I would react to this, he knows it is against my moral compass....maybe he got caught on purpose and wants me to be the one to kick him out....I am just questioning everything these days, once the trust is gone and the lies take hold you don't know what to believe, everything out of his mouth seems to have a question mark on it for me.
Time away from each other is what I need and so does he so he can figure out what he wants, then I won't have to worry where he goes, and with whom.....
time heals all i know this......


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

22 years of marriage is not worth losing over an affair. Give each other some time and go out for a vacation. Try to re-kindle the lost love. Having one affair in such a long time is not a big deal if he has been loyal to you for so long.

Has he been a good husband/good in sex/good provider?

Has he cheated before?

Is he a good dad?

Do you consider yourself a good wife? 

What do you think is lacking in your relationship?

These ups and downs are natural in life, you both need to understand is that sometimes things just happen; don't make it a mess by punishing each other. It sounds like he is having an emotional breakdown too, try to find what's lacking in your relationship, and make it work . Watch movies, do some activities with each other, have passionate sex, look things through a new lens. 

Wishing you best..


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## lily80 (Dec 22, 2009)

hi Jessi,

I feel for you, actually my situation is lots similar with yours.
I just found out two weeks ago that my husband that i married last year has feeling with other girl for one and half year. he could not stop thinking about her. my husband and i been together for 3 years and i have been faithful to him. i really love him and don't want to lose him. when i asked him to choose between me or her, first he choose me, and i asked him to promise not to call her or to see her, he broke that promise, he even tell her how he is feeling and he tell her that he want more than a friend. this broke my heart. how dare he do that to me. he was crying yesterday but he does not want to forget her or to let her go. he does not want to let me go either. 
i don't know what to do. this is my second marriage. the first one also lied or hiding from me financially but this time he hiding his feeling.
i think in your case your husband only knowing her for 5 months, it is easier to let that woman go, maybe he needs to find another job


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