# I'm obsessed with having mfm threesome



## humblenarrator

I've been married for over a year now, to my wife who I've been with nearly 3 years. Early on when we started going out together, I brought up the fantasy I had of watching her being with another guy, and sharing her with other men. She wasn't put off completely by it, and for about a year or two, we would fantasise about this during sex. We bought some sex toys and because we were still in the early days of our relationship, would have sex all the time. We often acted out this fantasy in the bedroom, which was a laugh, as well as really sexy.

Shortly after we were married, we started looking into trying this fantasy for real. We posted some ads, made a profile and came quite close to arranging a meet. I knew it was mostly my fantasy, and I was way more eager to try it. In the end it didn't happen and since then my wife has completely gone off the idea.

I haven't.

It became even more intense actually. 

We watch porn together occasionally, but I was still wanting to try those things for real, whereas she was just enjoying the videos.

Right now, I feel like I'm kinda stuck. I totally respect my wife's decision to not try it out, but I haven't been able to shake it off. It's becoming really preoccupying and I feel like I can't tell her that this is almost an obsession of mine.

I've brought it up enough times, and she's given it enough thought. When she says it's not something she wants to do, I can't really come back and say 'Well it's something I want to do!' 

In previous relationships, I've had positive experiences of this 'sharing' of partners. I dipped my toes in the swinger scene in the UK and met many couples who had a tremendous bond and were so in love, and at the same time could share their partners with me. It was thrilling and I knew I would want to try it again in the future.

I totally respect monogamy, but at the same time, we're all different when it comes to desire. I've looked up tons of stuff relating to this, have read so many academic articles, watched many videos on the topic, listened to podcasts, and it always brings me back to the point where I still want to try it. Even reading the negative stuff...

I reckon there's gonna be a lot of _you should respect your wife's decision_, or _why are you being so selfish you pig_ or w_hy the hell would you risk your marriage over this??_

I don't think there's anywhere online that seems to have reasoned debate when it comes to this - it's all hysterical stuff coming from insecure people, who can't see a different, more open-minded relationship. 

To those people - maybe watch this first - it opened my eyes up to the fact that maybe we're not so preprogrammed to monogamy. Honestly give it 15 minutes of your time, it's fascinating.

https://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en

I've also watched Esther Perel who is great:

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

Just because I feel this way, don't assume that I don't really love my wife. I do, and always will. You know nothing about me or her, so please keep those unhelpful remarks to yourself. Instead justify any hyperbole you want to use with reasoning and facts.

Also - I've heard the _Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy_ narrative. That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway. It would just speed up the process. And if that was the best thing for both of us, I would have no regrets.

But consider that there is a possibility that it might enrich our marriage, deepen our love and attraction to each other, and improve our self confidence and health - which is also something I've read a lot about. It could empower both of us personally and there are benefits to be gotten from sharing partners. It's not a myth, or am I completely off the mark???

I'd love to hear from anyone who has advice on this. I will likely need to see a sex therapist on my own, as I can't live with this unfulfilled fantasy for much longer.

Thank you for reading.


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## jerry123

Hey it may work for some people. 

Thing is, most women would lose respect for a husband that wants another guys [email protected] inside her. 

If she is able to contact this guy then that opens up doors for her and him to get together on the side with you out of the picture. 

If you need to do it that bad then just be prepared for things in the future. 

Women form an emotional bond with guys that they have sex with. You are opening that door if you do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humblenarrator

jerry123 said:


> Hey it may work for some people.
> 
> Thing is, most women would lose respect for a husband that wants another guys [email protected] inside her.
> 
> If she is able to contact this guy then that opens up doors for her and him to get together on the side with you out of the picture.
> 
> If you need to do it that bad then just be prepared for things in the future.
> 
> Women form an emotional bond with guys that they have sex with. You are opening that door if you do this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand that women have a different take on sex and the connections they make can be emotional too. But that can be overcome with trust, communication and respect. 

The point I'm trying to get across, is that being monogamous is not the same as being committed. She can enjoy sex with someone else (if she wants to) and I won't feel she's not committed to me.

If she did end up with the other guy, I wasn't giving her what she needed in the rest of our marriage anyway. 

I don't understand how exactly I would lose her respect. Why is this a measure of how respectable I am? It's a sexual kink, that anyone could have. We all have our own. I don't know what qualifies you to speak for 'most women' either? Every person is an individual, but I guess you're making that assumption based on living in a mostly conservative, judgemental media dominated world view that promotes the monogamy paradigm...

I take it you didn't watch the links from my original post?


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## Married but Happy

If your wife is no longer interested in pursuing this idea, then I suggest letting it go. Her no overrides your yes, no matter what. Or maybe waiting until such time as she does show interest. Are you still doing this as a fantasy thing sometimes, or has she stopped that as well? Any kind of pressure on her to do this will backfire - so don't. And it may create friction if she is put off by persistently being asked. Yes, FMF, MFM, etc. are all fun IF everyone is into it and prepared. Been there, done that - but NOT worth risking a good relationship to pursue.


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## Thor

humblenarrator said:


> Also - I've heard the _Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy_ narrative. That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway. It would just speed up the process.


I don't believe that to be true. You can wreck an otherwise good marriage any number of ways. One of which is swinging _even when both think they want to try it_. When one spouse is reluctant, the chances of ruining an otherwise good marriage is high.


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## jerry123

Ohhhhkay, no I'm making the assumption that most women would look down on a guy who lets their wife get boinked by another guy because women want to feel protected by their husband. Not be used by two men for sexual pleasure. 


And I said most women, not all. I get some women have kinks. 

But this is a pro-monogamous-marriage site. Not a swingers site. 

You'll get the replies you want at the swingers site. 

Hey I get the kinks, I have kinks also but they stay between us in the bedroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## perol

Why the heck would you want some strange dudes prick inside your wife's VJ?

I just can't wrap my head around why a guy would possibly enjoy the thought of such a thing.

Unless he wants to see his wife degraded or something.


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## jerry123

perol said:


> Why the heck would you want some strange dudes prick inside your wife's VJ?
> 
> I just can't wrap my head around why a guy would possibly enjoy the thought of such a thing.
> 
> Unless he wants to see his wife degraded or something.





Not to defend him...

But I've been here for years reading thousands of posts and have seen this a few times 

I think it's more of a pleasure thing that he wants to give her. It's a kink for him to see her get the pleasure of 2 men. 

Just as if a guy wants to do a FFM. The wife agrees to it because she wants to see the husband have the pleasure of 2 woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## leon2100

I got to give you credit!! I'd be afraid the other guy was better equipped than me.


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## RandomDude

Married but Happy said:


> If your wife is no longer interested in pursuing this idea, then I suggest letting it go. *Her no overrides your yes, no matter what.*


This

So let it go OP

If she changes her mind she'll let you know


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## perol

jerry123 said:


> Not to defend him...
> 
> But I've been here for years reading thousands of posts and have seen this a few times
> 
> I think it's more of a pleasure thing that he wants to give her. It's a kink for him to see her get the pleasure of 2 men.
> 
> Just as if a guy wants to do a FFM. The wife agrees to it because she wants to see the husband have the pleasure of 2 woman.


Ok I can see that I guess, thanks for the clarification Jerry, that was useful.

In this case she doesn't WANT the pleasure of 2 guys so I'm not seeing the continued allure to him.

As far as FFM, I'd be into that and I've told my girlfriend that.

Repeatedly.


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## humblenarrator

Thanks guys! 

For me, I wouldn't want it to happen if she wasn't into it. That would be incredibly unsatisfying. So it's got to be something she wants too.

I'm just not sure of the risk people keep talking about. That's something that comes from a relationship of insecure people, who's marriage is teetering on the brink of break down through jealousy that's beneath the surface. It's about possessiveness and people being constantly in fear of losing their oh to another person, when I don't have that fear. 

Any other person brought into it will have absolutely no chance of making her fall for them in one sexual encounter . If that happened then we messed up in our communication about the act somewhere along the way. Someone would have been hiding thoughts of leaving anyway. For me there is no risk. 

As for why I want to see another man with my wife, when you see it first hand it is an amazing thing. It takes cottage and is not for everyone. 

In a marriage, it is foolish to expect that our desire for each other will always be in sync. There's other forms of interaction and sexual satisfaction. 

The advice given here is great, I've just reached a point where I've over shared my desires with her and it's caused us both to close up when talking about sex.

As for do we still have the fantasy, the answer is no. It's completely off the table now.


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## CuddleBug

I too would love it if Mrs.CuddleBug brought home another woman for an insane threesome. FMF.:grin2:

But of course I'm not holding my breath and that fantasy will probably remain just that.

If it did happen, she may like ladies more and I'm history or I may like the other woman more and she is history.

Playing with fire you will get burned.


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## arbitrator

*Letting a third party of either sex occupy any part of your marriage bed, with or without you there, is a fatal mistake! 

Don't do it!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice

OP,
As I have questioned before and still fail to understand is why do people of such enlightenment as yourself marry? Why does there need to be a vowing to one another? If you are so sure of your relationship, that it cannot be shaken, then of what benefit are vows? I am sincerely perplexed by this. If the two of you share a union that is beyond question, beyond doubt and beyond temptation then why take an oath, is it not completely unnecessary?

Having queried that, there are psychological issues here that are perhaps deeper and less understood than we realize. And, considering that many humans are ofttimes less then completely honest, how can one be sure of any possible outcome in the absence of accurate data.

I had a family member who was into swinging and touted it as being all the things that you have indicated......until he came home for lunch one day and found his wife with her swing partner in their bed. His views suddenly changed as did his marital status and the familial unit in which his children dwelt in security, until they did not. If you sincerely do not have angst over losing your wife as a possible consequence of this endeavor, nevermind allowing another male to experience your wife and she him, then I must question your definition of love, commitment and how they apply to her. If you can relegate any possible dissolution of your marriage to "it was going to happen anyway" then how can you remain married without testing this theory? Your marriage may be one act of coitus from divorce. If this sounds sensible to you then we are indeed too far apart on our viewpoints for my advice to be of any benefit to you.

I will nevertheless posit this for your consideration. In life there are things which we simply cannot have for whatever reason be it financial, ideological or what have you. This may be one of those things. However, if you cannot deny yourself this and are prepared to face any resultant consequences, then rolling the dice on your relationship may be too exciting a gamble for you not to take. Good luck.


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## soccermom2three

perol said:


> Why the heck would you want some strange dudes prick inside your wife's VJ?
> 
> .



Because when he wants to put his prick in another woman's vj he will able to say, "well I let you do it".


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## sisters359

First, you need to stop arguing about "the risks." Your wife has said no, and so there will be no risks. Letting yourself dwell on them is part of the obsession.

2nd, deal with the obsession. Just because your wife could "solve" this problem for you does not mean she should. See a therapist to find out what is really going on with you--what unmet need or other concern is leading you to obsess about this. Maybe you see her as a "prize" you want other men to experience and then have to do without most of the time. Maybe you see women as objects for men to bond over. I have *no* idea and just came up with the ideas to illustrate the point that there is most likely something underneath the obsession that you need to deal with. It might not really be about sex--could be about you, a subconscious sense of inadequacy or something. Just talk to someone other than your wife, a professional who has worked with similar problems if you can find one.

Best of luck.


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## 6301

Your fantasy in your head with your wife and a couple of guys is just that, a fantasy and a fantasy always works out fine because it's yours, you created it, you direct it.

If a scene needs changed you can do it because it's all in your head so at the end of it your wife gives you such a hug and kiss and thanks you for giving her this and she makes you a steak dinner and all is well.

So what happens if she agrees to this and it doesn't go according too the script you have in your head? You can't just rub your eyes, blink a couple times and the vision disappears and you start over again. It's done. The damage is done and you have to live with it. 

Take some advice. Stop watching porn. The people in those videos are paid to moan, groan and try to act and then they go home. But then it's your life. Old Chinese proverb. "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it".


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## MJJEAN

humblenarrator said:


> I understand that women have a different take on sex and the connections they make can be emotional too. But that can be overcome with trust, communication and respect.
> 
> Plenty of great marriages chock full of trust, communication, and respect end up torpedoed by feelings.
> 
> The point I'm trying to get across, is that being monogamous is not the same as being committed. She can enjoy sex with someone else (if she wants to) and I won't feel she's not committed to me.
> 
> To most people, being monogamous is part and parcel of being committed. For a lot of us, a partner suggesting non-monogamy translates to that partner being not 100% committed to the relationship.
> 
> If she did end up with the other guy, I wasn't giving her what she needed in the rest of our marriage anyway.
> 
> No. For most people, a monogamous relationship makes them feel valued and secure.
> 
> When monogamy is removed, these people feel less valued by their primary partners and they begin to feel insecure. This makes them vulnerable to another partner who can make them feel valued and secure.
> 
> Your wife could be getting exactly what she needs from your marriage and then agree to the swinging you'd like to do and suddenly find that she is no longer getting what she needs.
> 
> I don't understand how exactly I would lose her respect. Why is this a measure of how respectable I am? It's a sexual kink, that anyone could have. We all have our own. I don't know what qualifies you to speak for 'most women' either? Every person is an individual, but I guess you're making that assumption based on living in a mostly conservative, judgemental media dominated world view that promotes the monogamy paradigm...
> 
> She could lose respect for you simply because you don't share the same moral values. Just because she thought something was a hot and fun idea doesn't mean she espouses that lifestyle in reality.
> 
> She could lose respect for you simply because cuckolds are seen as weak and lacking masculinity. It's programmed into us. No one respects the guy letting other guys use his woman as a cum dumpster. Including the woman and the other guy(s).
> 
> I take it you didn't watch the links from my original post?





humblenarrator said:


> Thanks guys!
> 
> For me, I wouldn't want it to happen if she wasn't into it. That would be incredibly unsatisfying. So it's got to be something she wants too.
> 
> I'm just not sure of the risk people keep talking about. That's something that comes from a relationship of insecure people, who's marriage is teetering on the brink of break down through jealousy that's beneath the surface. It's about possessiveness and people being constantly in fear of losing their oh to another person, when I don't have that fear.
> 
> I had this very same argument with my DH back in the day when we were first dating. His previous relationship was with a woman who enjoyed MFM and MFF threesomes. He tried the same tired lines when we got together.
> 
> My response was quite simple. I am secure enough in who I am to recognize my own value. A man who is willing to share me and risk our relationship as well as my health and safety clearly fails to place the appropriate value on me and is not good relationship material.
> 
> Any other person brought into it will have absolutely no chance of making her fall for them in one sexual encounter . If that happened then we messed up in our communication about the act somewhere along the way. Someone would have been hiding thoughts of leaving anyway. For me there is no risk.
> 
> Feelings aren't nearly that predictable. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but it won't change a dang thing if one of her encounters happens to be with a nice guy she's attracted to who is sexually skilled and intrigues her. She could even justify pursuing him at a later time because why not? It's not like her husband minds sharing her, after all.
> 
> BTW, I literally fell in love with my DH at first sight. I didn't even believe it was possible until it happened to me. I blew up my life, my two kids lives, and ended my "open marriage" within weeks in order to be with him. It's been nearly 16 years now.
> 
> As for why I want to see another man with my wife, when you see it first hand it is an amazing thing. It takes cottage and is not for everyone.
> 
> It's not some amazing thing. It's sex. And it's sex solely based on using another human being for nothing more than physical pleasure. Nothing too awe inspiring about that. People use and discard each other every day all over the world.
> 
> In a marriage, it is foolish to expect that our desire for each other will always be in sync. There's other forms of interaction and sexual satisfaction.
> 
> Yes, there certainly are times in a marriage where the spouses desires don't exactly mesh. There truly are myriad ways to interact and be sexually satisfied. And very few of those ways involves consensual adultery.
> 
> The advice given here is great, I've just reached a point where I've over shared my desires with her and it's caused us both to close up when talking about sex.
> 
> If just talking about it causes you both to close up, how well do you think doing it would work out?
> 
> As for do we still have the fantasy, the answer is no. It's completely off the table now.


Get into counseling. Depending on the specific details, you may have caused more harm to your wife and your relationship than you realize. If it's not dealt with and resolved, you may find yourself either very unhappily married or single again.


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## Married but Happy

arbitrator said:


> *Letting a third party of either sex occupy any part of your marriage bed, with or without you there, is a fatal mistake!
> 
> Don't do it!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It usually works better if there's a third and FOURTH party of mixed sex. Then it balances out quite well, in most cases, at least.


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## MJJEAN

sisters359 said:


> See a therapist to find out what is really going on with you--what unmet need or other concern is leading you to obsess about this. Maybe you see her as a "prize" you want other men to experience and then have to do without most of the time. Maybe you see women as objects for men to bond over. I have *no* idea and just came up with the ideas to illustrate the point that there is most likely something underneath the obsession that you need to deal with. It might not really be about sex--could be about you, a subconscious sense of inadequacy or something. Just talk to someone other than your wife, a professional who has worked with similar problems if you can find one.
> 
> Best of luck.


Could also be about humiliation. A lot of cuckold fetishists are into it because its humiliating and that is the underlying kink. If that is the case, OP could satisfy this kink in other ways and truly let go of the MFM obsession.


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## Marduk

I think that if you love your partner, you accept their boundaries.

And if you can't live with their boundaries, you free them so they can find someone that will.

What you _don't_ do is spend months or years pushing their boundaries because you respect your own desires more than you respect your partner's free will.


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## unbelievable

We've established firmly this sexual fantasy is about your own gratification and not your wife's. It's nothing she wants any part of. I notice your fantasy specifically involves another man. In summary, your own fantasy is to have a sexual experience with a man, at least one that involves a man. Might be someone you could discuss with a therapist and figure out.


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## Catherine602

Do you have any children? If not, don't have them. 

Suppose your wife told you that her fantasy was to see you get fvcked by a man while she watched? What if she asked you again and again, told you it was an obsession that she could not get out of her mind. She dreams of it when she looks at you. BTW, if she were posting here, I would tell her to tell you just that and insist you go first to show her how game you are. 

Men who love their wives are usually very protective of them and would never stand by while another man had sex with them. You are not made this way. You are really not marriage or father material at this point. 

If you were single, you would be free to try out different gf's until you found one who was interested in being "shared". When one gf gets tied of being used then you can dump her and get another body to share. Why don't you seriously consider divorcing your wife? It makes sense because you will never be happy with her. Just think about the decades ahead. If you are obsessed now, just imagine in 5 or 10 yrs. By that time you will be up to your eyeballs in financial obligation and you will have little souls dependent upon you. 

Seek out women who are expressly looking for 2 men to have sex with. I am certain there are many if you look in the right places. Don't try to maneuver and coax a woman who express no interest, into performing for your gratification.


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## Idun

> For me, I wouldn't want it to happen if she wasn't into it. That would be incredibly unsatisfying. So it's got to be something she wants too.


Well she DOESN'T want it - so do you now _NOT_ want it to happen, as you said?? No. You are still obsessing over _wanting_ her to _wan_t something. Desire is not something we can willfully control.

The problem here is not that you want to swing, or that she doesn't. People can have different desires. The problem is you married her not fully disclosing how important swinging is to you. With your history why did you marry someone who didn't feel the same? It's obviously a big part of your sexuality. Your attitude of 'if I lose her to another guy I would have lost her anyway' - really shows that you care more about swinging that your marriage with her.

If you keep pushing it with her you will poison your marriage even more. She probably already feels very inadequate and angry with you. She will have lost respect because she's not into swinging yet you keep pushing her. You can share links and articles with her till the cows come home but in the end she obviously doesn't want to be shared around like a tool and objectified. This is how someone who's NOT INTO IT would feel. Most people on this forum would feel the same.



> I can't live with this unfulfilled fantasy for much longer.


So what will you do if the fantasy remains unfulfilled? Cheat on her? Leave her? Or get counselling to learn how to deal with putting a lid on this fantasy for the sake or your marriage?


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## humblenarrator

Thanks everyone.

I have decided to see a counsellor on my own. I'm glad that people have been giving their best advice on this too. I want this to go away. At least I want the regular thoughts about it to go away.

I think it just escalated when we decided to go ahead with it, and then did a u-turn. I wasn't able to switch it off and it's become an unhealthy fixation. I need to re establish communication with my wife, but I need to get my head straight by talking with a professional first. Neither of us want to be apart, and I'd rather keep that than pursue an unnecessary fantasy, however much it excites me privately.

I don't really appreciate the 'don't have kids' comments though.


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## poida

Oh for god sake.
Where is that thread where the H pushed his wife to F another man and then she left him for the other man. 
That should put this guy back in his place.


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## NextTimeAround

> Also - I've heard the Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy narrative. *That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway.* It would just speed up the process. And if that was the best thing for both of us, I would have no regrets.


I just hate this fatalistic attitude towards life. Some of us prefer not be reduced to molecules randomly bouncing around. I think there are many situations in which you can consciously improve your success rate. And a long term relationship is one of them.

So I'm in the camp that thinks 3 somes for married couples is a bad idea. Just like I think "Close" OSFs are slippery slopes as well. 

If my partner wants to leave me, then leave. let's don't go through the charades of threesomes or agreeing that "she's such a great friend."

Rightnow, OP, you're the one gunning for a 3some, why don't you speed up the process and just move on?


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## jorgegene

humblenarrator said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> I have decided to see a counsellor on my own. I'm glad that people have been giving their best advice on this too. I want this to go away. At least I want the regular thoughts about it to go away.
> 
> I think it just escalated when we decided to go ahead with it, and then did a u-turn. I wasn't able to switch it off and it's become an unhealthy fixation. I need to re establish communication with my wife, but I need to get my head straight by talking with a professional first. Neither of us want to be apart, and I'd rather keep that than pursue an unnecessary fantasy, however much it excites me privately.
> 
> I don't really appreciate the 'don't have kids' comments though.


i think you're coming to reasonable conclusions now.

the 'don't have kids' i think is in valid in the sense 'don't have kids, until you get over your obsession, stabilize your marriage and get back on a healthy track with your wife.' last thing you would want is to have kids and realize she's not the one for you, because you're still expressing some doubts, no matter how small.


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## EnjoliWoman

OK so I've read your whole post and I'm familiar with a few (not personally - documentaries) situations of 3-somes and/or poly amorous situations where the couples swear by the trust, deepening connection etc. So I won't lecture the usual stuff that you've already gotten above.

Have you considered instead of ACTUAL sex with another guy, taking her to a swinger's club and NOT switching - just go with foreplay in mind and watching others? (i.e. live porn) Would having her watch another man work for you and her? What about rules such as the other guy can use toys but not actually penetrate - i.e. all arousal is at YOUR hands but the extra guy masturbates and uses a dildo? There might be ways to compromise and keep her boundaries while finding a way to make it super arousing for you, too.

However, I will add that likely even if you go that route I can see you'll probably need it to escalate to a REAL 3-some and eventually the difference in expectations of your sex life will drive you apart if the act itself (and the person it's with) don't.


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## NoChoice

OP,
Also realize that in the animal kingdom it is natural for a male watching his female have intercourse with another male to experience strong arousal. This is so that, once the other male is driven away, the male can then perform intercourse on the female to "override" any semen deposited by the intruder and therefore show dominance over the other male and insure that his genes are passed down to subsequent offspring. As cognizant beings, there are sometimes still leftover instinctual traits from our past when we were not so thoughtful and reasoned. This is one possibility.

In any event you seem to be thinking more reasonably now and perhaps the therapist can help you resolve this issue. Good fortune.


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## Catherine602

humblenarrator said:


> Thanks everyone.
> I don't really appreciate the 'don't have kids' comments though.


It's a sincere expression of concern for children being born into a union that seems unstable. You described your sexual obsession in terms that indicate that you doubt that you can tolerate life without seeing your wife with other men. Your wife is not interested so the natural assumption is that you will not be able to resist leaving her. Do you think that the presence of children would have any effect on your desire for a woman to share? If not, it is likely you will cheat or D, neither of which is comparable with a happy family life.


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## TheTruthHurts

OP I get it and don't have any issues with any kink frankly, and as I've gotten older I realize that arrousal becomes more complex for men as the testosterone levels reduce over time. Often the equipment works fine due to stimulation, but arrousal and therefore enjoyment can lessen. You seem young but I do have a point here... 

My point is I now really get the need to kick start the feelings. I read a great article about the whole sharing / cuckold process which triggers strong emotions - and even though the emotions seem horrific to many here, they are as strong as a love / passion / new interest feeling.

Many (most) guys don't understand or differentiate their emotions well, so this angst / jealousy feeling can be felt like a sexual high.

So you might be seeking deeper arrousal is all. If that's the case, maybe explore ways to deepen the emotional connection with her. 

Alternately, maybe ask her to dominate you a little or humiliate you a little. I wouldn't use those terms because she likely won't feel safe. But you can play around while she is an arroused state (and is therefore more receptive) and lightly - smiling - suggest something submissive like "I'm sorry my little... Isn't able to satisfy you" or something. If she perceives it as fun she might be receptive to it. You might find it interesting if she takes off a bit. You know the SPH type thing. This might be out there but no further than MFM 

Anyway light power games might give you the edge you are after.

But BTW I agree you have to make it safe for her and you might explicitly tell her you understand and respect her MFM boundaries and any other games don't mean it will escalate back to MFM.


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## TheTruthHurts

Ok my example sucked! If you say that it sounds like you want her to have a MFM because you can't satisfy her! Oops anyway pick something different but the power games might be what you're into. Be careful that she understands it's a game only if you want her to dominate you a bit. IDK only if it seems like she'd be receptive.

Unless you're really remorseful for pushing her and buy a big old strap on for her to punish you with for making her feel bad


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## EllisRedding

OP - what would happen if your wife got pregnant from this other guy? Also, how about if she contracted an STD? For both I am sure you can do as much due diligence as possible, but nothing is guaranteed. I am sure neither of these scenarios play out in your fantasies.


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## perol

NoChoice said:


> This is so that, once the other male is driven away, the male can then perform intercourse on the female to "override" any semen deposited by the intruder and therefore show dominance over the other male and insure that his genes are passed down to subsequent offspring


Why would the second load of semen over ride the first load deposited by the competitor? If it was me I'd want my semen to be the only semen to be deposited into my SO's VJ whether it's because of animal instinct, the need to spread my genes around, or just because.. well no other guy has any business screwing my girlfriend and shooting a load in her.


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## Apexmale

I know several couples who swing and many others who enjoy MFM and FMF and they sort out and work out those relationships just as any other relationship most of us are accustomed to. What I get in these responses is that people assume marriage is about ownership, but it's really about companionship. I am married but in no way, shape, or form do I own my wife. Her body was hers waaaay before she met me and being the adult she is... she can give her body to whom ever she decides. It's up to me to decide whether I'd accept her giving it elsewhere. And she knows I would not. Vice versa. Marriage is about companionship, not ownership. IMO. The OP came for advice and sometimes got hammered for it, not good.


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## larry.gray

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Also realize that in the animal kingdom it is natural for a male watching his female have intercourse with another male to experience strong arousal. This is so that, once the other male is driven away, the male can then perform intercourse on the female to "override" any semen deposited by the intruder and therefore show dominance over the other male and insure that his genes are passed down to subsequent offspring. As cognizant beings, there are sometimes still leftover instinctual traits from our past when we were not so thoughtful and reasoned. This is one possibility.


I think we must have evolved from different sets of apes. **** men were the ones waiting for the first dude to finish.

I came from the ape that mated with a female and then killed any other that tried to mate with that female.


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## Apexmale

Perfect example. Ownership.


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## Apexmale

larry.gray said:


> I think we must have evolved from different sets of apes. **** men were the ones waiting for the first dude to finish.
> 
> I came from the ape that mated with a female and then killed any other that tried to mate with that female.


What would your options be if that female decided on her own to mate with a different ape?


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## larry.gray

Apexmale said:


> What would your options be if that female decided on her own to mate with a different ape?


Apes are rather un-evolved in gender equality. My lineage has improved in the interim.


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## Apexmale

larry.gray said:


> Apes are rather un-evolved in gender equality. My lineage has improved in the interim.


True, but that didn't provide an answer...


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## larry.gray

Apexmale said:


> True, but that didn't provide an answer...


You and I know the answer. Force up to and including fatal force would be used. Unfortunately some human males act on that inclination now.


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## Pollo

jerry123 said:


> Not to defend him...
> 
> But I've been here for years reading thousands of posts and have seen this a few times
> 
> I think it's more of a pleasure thing that he wants to give her. It's a kink for him to see her get the pleasure of 2 men.
> 
> Just as if a guy wants to do a FFM. The wife agrees to it because she wants to see the husband have the pleasure of 2 woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It seems like it's more of an issue of insecurity. Like, he wants to see his wife get pounded by someone else so then he feels like his possession is wanted by other guys.

It has nothing to do with her pleasure because she doesn't even want it.


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## ConanHub

Married but Happy said:


> If your wife is no longer interested in pursuing this idea, then I suggest letting it go. Her no overrides your yes, no matter what. Or maybe waiting until such time as she does show interest. Are you still doing this as a fantasy thing sometimes, or has she stopped that as well? Any kind of pressure on her to do this will backfire - so don't. And it may create friction if she is put off by persistently being asked. Yes, FMF, MFM, etc. are all fun IF everyone is into it and prepared. Been there, done that - but NOT worth risking a good relationship to pursue.


Wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

OP, if this is something you must have and are unwilling to let go then please leave your wife. You are only a year married and you need to find a like minded woman instead of trying to push your views on this one.

It should not be desirable to push this on someone who doesn't want it.

It can cause some pretty significant damage to force it.

Is your obsession worth more to you than your wife's well being?

If so, you need serious help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts

Don't know the statistics (and they're probably tilted one way or the other) about open marriages or swinging but I do know many are not cut out for it.

I suppose some could be convinced over time but those situations seem a bit dangerous because you can't know what they are giving up on their minds when being convinced. In the end, we often "spring back" to put original values, thoughts, feelings, etc. that's why the sentiment "once a cheater always a cheater" crops up so often - it means people will revert to their "true nature" over time.

So if your wife has to be convinced, then it's probably against her "true nature". By the same token, based on your statements and prior relationships, your "true nature" might always tend toward multiple partners in one form or another.

For these reasons this might represent a life-long conflict that makes one side sacrifice too much at different points in time and makes neither happy. Worse - it may create resentment on both sides over time.

Please consider this and talk to your wife about it. You both might be better suited with another life-long partner.


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## FormerSelf

The fantasy is that going into a MMF will open a portal to a great sexual plane...which will raise the bar for more continued experiences and experimentation.

It sound like W was willing to entreat the fantasy on a pretend/ roleplay level, but not wanting to allow such a complication to become reality.

Yes, if such an obsession has been built in your mind and now has fallen short of happening, it can result in a distressing frustration, so you need to be able to isolate what is feeding that desire and take a look at it.


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## Shoto1984

humblenarrator said:


> I will likely need to see a sex therapist on my own, *as I can't live with this unfulfilled fantasy for much longer*.


I'm way late this party and I haven't read the whole thread, but I was struck by this last line in the opening post. 

Really? If the "can't live" part is not a total exaggeration than yes...you need a therapist to help you work through this. If you love your girl then focus on that and how lucky you both are to have found each other. Wanting to bringing another dude into the mix suggests to me that you either don't love her the way you should or you have some issues with women and relationships.


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## Apexmale

EnjoliWoman said:


> OK so I've read your whole post and I'm familiar with a few (not personally - documentaries) situations of 3-somes and/or poly amorous situations where the couples swear by the trust, deepening connection etc. So I won't lecture the usual stuff that you've already gotten above.
> 
> Have you considered instead of ACTUAL sex with another guy, taking her to a swinger's club and NOT switching - just go with foreplay in mind and watching others? (i.e. live porn) Would having her watch another man work for you and her? What about rules such as the other guy can use toys but not actually penetrate - i.e. all arousal is at YOUR hands but the extra guy masturbates and uses a dildo? There might be ways to compromise and keep her boundaries while finding a way to make it super arousing for you, too.
> 
> However, I will add that likely even if you go that route I can see you'll probably need it to escalate to a REAL 3-some and eventually the difference in expectations of your sex life will drive you apart if the act itself (and the person it's with) don't.


Great advice. Some couples who frequent swingers club dont go because they are swingers. They go because it is a more relaxed enviroment where married couples can physically flirt and touch eachother without the gawking and akward stares that might result from "vanilla" clubs. Couples who go don't have to meet anyone and don't have to spend thier time with anyone else except their spouse. "No" still means "no". Additionally, swinger clubs offer "theme" nights where the husband or wife can dress up to play a particular role. Sexy and provocative clubwear which may be inappropriate in a "vanilla" club, would be completely appropriate at a swingers club.

More and more "adventerous couples" are frequenting these type of clubs to just add spice to their lives and not necessarily to add people to their lives.


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## Middle of Everything

Apexmale said:


> Great advice. Some couples who frequent swingers club dont go because they are swingers. They go because it is a more relaxed enviroment where married couples can physically flirt and touch eachother without the gawking and akward stares that might result from "vanilla" clubs. Couples who go don't have to meet anyone and don't have to spend thier time with anyone else except their spouse. "No" still means "no". Additionally, swinger clubs offer "theme" nights where the husband or wife can dress up to play a particular role. Sexy and provocative clubwear which may be inappropriate in a "vanilla" club, would be completely appropriate at a swingers club.
> 
> More and more "adventerous couples" are frequenting these type of clubs to just add spice to their lives and not necessarily to add people to their lives.


All righty then....


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## TAMAT

HumbleNarrator,

One other way to look at this, which holds real peril for your marriage, is that your wife may have enormously more attraction to this idea than you do, but is just keep it quiet.

I would also say you have planted a seed in your Ws mind which may not sprout until 10 years from now, there is an implicit permission to cheat which has been granted.

Tamat


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## TheTruthHurts

TAMAT said:


> HumbleNarrator,
> 
> One other way to look at this, which holds real peril for your marriage, is that your wife may have enormously more attraction to this idea than you do, but is just keep it quiet.
> 
> I would also say you have planted a seed in your Ws mind which may not sprout until 10 years from now, there is an implicit permission to cheat which has been granted.
> 
> Tamat


This is a really really good point.

Regardless of what else you decide to do you must clearly establish your hard boundaries now.

For me, any type of cheating involving an PA even for a minute, while drunk, while stressed, etc (in other words in ANY circumstance) is something for which I have a zero tolerance policy. Decades of marriage and multiple kids are not factors. Love is not a factor. Being best friends is not a factor. PA=divorce and permanent NC. I probably would insist on NC even as it relates to property and kids - only allowing an intermediary drop off point, etc.

EA is almost the same but I honestly have a gray area on inadvertent EA situations - short term contacts that escalate and which were never hidden. This can happen if both partners let their guard down with a mutual friend or neighbor. But a hidden EA or any actions involving planning = PA-light and that = divorce.

The problem you may have - if you are into 3 somes - is if your boundaries are not actually that black and white. I suspect you are ambivalent a bit about certain forms of contact that others see clearly as EA or PA.

If that's the case, you could be screwed in the long term if she exercises her right to explore a MFM only without you (a different MFM or really an FM)

Think about your boundaries and consider the message you want to send. I think about 100% of WS assume they won't get caught or they won't get divorced and most likely both. That's why clear boundaries are so important (though cheating is on the cheater in all cases - not a lack of clearly known boundaries)


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## aine

Your wife said no, end of conversation. If you intend to wear her down, do her a favour, divorce her so she can get a man who loves her, respects her and doesn't want to use her for his sexual f*** fantasy. You on the other hand , go back to your swinging lifestyle, it will suit you better. 
The walls are going up already as you say she has closed down when it comes to talking about sex. You think she was all ok with it, I think not so, you may be in for a huge surprise. It is unlikely that you can be monogamous. Your marriage may not be as sound as you think.


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## parati

My GF and I are in a LTR and we started 
MFM this year, having gone all the way with 4 different guys, all married guys so we could be sure they aren't going to cause a problem. After a couple times it becomes 'normal' She got bored with it and and we moved on dominating guys together, three other times. Now she's not very interested in that either so I don't push it. When people are telling you that a woman develops feelings for a guy just because she had sex with him, that's a generalization based on women who don't have enough experience with men to see how they are mostly the same. It can be done safely with a woman who has enough experience with dating and men to see black and white that sex can be just sex, love is different and doesn't come from the crotch. If the couple can't keep it compartmentalized, best to not push it and just leave it as fantasy.


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## TheTruthHurts

parati said:


> My GF and I are in a LTR and we started
> MFM this year, having gone all the way with 4 different guys, all married guys so we could be sure they aren't going to cause a problem. After a couple times it becomes 'normal' She got bored with it and and we moved on dominating guys together, three other times. Now she's not very interested in that either so I don't push it. When people are telling you that a woman develops feelings for a guy just because she had sex with him, that's a generalization based on women who don't have enough experience with men to see how they are mostly the same. It can be done safely with a woman who has enough experience with dating and men to see black and white that sex can be just sex, love is different and doesn't come from the crotch. If the couple can't keep it compartmentalized, best to not push it and just leave it as fantasy.


So we're these things you wanted to try and she went along with it but ended up thinking "meh"? Or was it her and she found out it wasn't what she expected? Can you elaborate? I think it might help OP and others who get fixated on this.

My wife and I talked about it when we were young - even picked someone (FMF) but I don't think either of us really wanted to share. But it was a sexy fantasy...


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## Young at Heart

humblenarrator said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> I have decided to see a counsellor on my own. I'm glad that people have been giving their best advice on this too. I want this to go away. At least I want the regular thoughts about it to go away.
> 
> I think it just escalated when we decided to go ahead with it, and then did a u-turn. I wasn't able to switch it off and it's become an unhealthy fixation. I need to re establish communication with my wife, but I need to get my head straight by talking with a professional first. Neither of us want to be apart, and I'd rather keep that than pursue an unnecessary fantasy, however much it excites me privately........


I think that your marriage dodged a bullet. I think the IC for you is a great idea and that you should focus on building a strong marriage.

However, I also heard a very interesting talk about monogamish. She has various levels. just thoughts, sharing thoughts, teasing with talk but not touch, being in an erotic environment but only having sex with their spouse, 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE


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## SecondTime'Round

parati said:


> My GF and I are in a LTR and we started
> MFM this year, having gone all the way with 4 different guys, all married guys so we could be sure they aren't going to cause a problem. After a couple times it becomes 'normal' She got bored with it and and we moved on dominating guys together, three other times. Now she's not very interested in that either so I don't push it. When people are telling you that a woman develops feelings for a guy just because she had sex with him, that's a generalization based on women who don't have enough experience with men to see how they are mostly the same. It can be done safely with a woman who has enough experience with dating and men to see black and white that sex can be just sex, love is different and doesn't come from the crotch. If the couple can't keep it compartmentalized, best to not push it and just leave it as fantasy.


Do you find it a turn on to help married men cheat on their partners?


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## alphaomega

The problem with this fantasy is that most of the time the guy thinks about the sexual pleasure and excitement about the act, and not the emotional aspects that could occur as an aftermath of the act. 

Rarely do people think past the fantasy part and consider long term effects 

Yeah man. Everyone's got kinks. It works for some. Not for others. And completely blows up in the face for most 

Just think it through completely and honestly to yourself and your mate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kj80

I understand where you're coming from right as my hubby and I used to swing. But you honestly should have told her you actually wanted to do this before you married her instead of role playing it. Honesty is best when in that lifestyle. If she isn't into it she will never be and there's no point in trying to persuade Her it won't work. She'll just get aggravated. If that's the life you wish to persue more so then being with your wife I guess you'll either have to leave or see if she can be lenient and let you branch out on your own. If she's not into it you may just have to suck it up and move on from it.


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## AaronDonald

I DON'T agree that share partners with others. It's really horrible. maybe you feel happy when you "enjoy" it, but you will regret after several years.


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