# running out of patience...help with my wife



## exchange2k3 (Sep 25, 2009)

Some of this i posted on the other board about a video.

i'm getting some movement out of my wife on this subject and also she has started to read "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide" Sex has been one of our main issues forever now.

after she read the 1st chapter she was like "i didn't know you felt like that" anyway i was happy and that was the best sex we have had in a while.

So far it is like this she is on top or i am. She always seems a little open to new things to try until it actually time to do it. If i try something different she'll totally shows she is not into it before it even starts. we have been together for 9 years 4 married. She has been with one person before me.


I want it at least 3 times a week she is like 3 times a month but i don't know if she would even initiated it that much if i didn't. To give you an idea, Sat was a lazy day we went to the store and shopped cleaned up around the house some then we put our 9 month old to bed and watched a movie. After the movie we went to bed, i was holding her like i always do when we go to bed but she felt the errection and first thing out of her mouth is someone needs to go take a cold shower.

I love my wife and i can't think of being without her we do everything together we are each others best friend, but i'm having such a hard time with this and it seems she doesn't care or cares for a week.

anyway i'm venting and trying not to bring it all up at once to her. At least i got her to start reading that book.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't think she's being very kind or loving to you with what she said. At this particular time, with sex being such an issue between you, what she said may have been a joke but it wasn't kind given the circumstances. You're a man who is attracted to and loves his wife. You had a normal reaction to being close to her. And she either makes a snide comment or she meant it, I don't know which. But it wasn't kind.

I'd ask her to consider how hurtful what she said truly is to you. Ask her if it was loving or kind of her to make you feel like you did something wrong or dirty because you had a normal, healthy response to the woman you love and want.

Sometimes women make me nuts when it comes to this area. 

Doesn't she enjoy sex? Does she get off when you have it? (I mean, really. Not just what you think happens.)


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## exchange2k3 (Sep 25, 2009)

I'm sure it was probably a snide comment she says she says stuff before she even thinks about it and it usually comes out no.
She gets off i would say 90% of the time we have sex i know when she doesn't bc she'll tell me she lost it, she says she always enjoys it, but it is getting to the point of doing it that is the problem.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do ask her if she understands how comments like that hurt your feeings. Talk to her about what is loving and what is not loving behavior or speech. Ask her why she doesn't stop to think before speaking if she claims that as her excuse. Ask her about maturity and if maturity requires thinking before speaking. Ask her if love requires it.

Does she love you?

When you initiate does she put you off? When you try new things, do you suppose she is concerned about where you learned the new thing or that it might be thought (to her) to be a put-down on the way she is? 

Do you ever ask her if there is anything you could do better/differently that she would enjoy? 

Could you simply be happy having more routine sex and avoid some of these hassles until she is a little older? Women ripen a bit slower in this area all too often.


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## exchange2k3 (Sep 25, 2009)

Our ages i'm 35 she is 28. When we talked about this the other day she says when i try to start something up other than the bedroom to her she is thinking to herself "how is this going to work" or "this might be unconfortable." Right now to her in her head she thinks i'm wanting it everyday and in actuality the last time was fri. and now she acts as though she doesn't remember saying the cold shower thing sat, and i just remember all the details of everything.

Anyway i'm not going to push anything right now, at least she is reading the book and is open to watch one of these video which i hope the one i ordered isn't a dumb one...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Prescreen the movie.


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## SusanB (Sep 10, 2009)

I posted this in another thread, but I bought Frequent Foreplay Miles off Amazon. Its been informative and my hubby has been open to the ideas and suggestions. Kinda helps you keep track of the things on a points basis. (you know us women like to keep points!) And the points my hubby can cash in for sex and am happy to do it when he has earned them. Its a good fun read anyway.


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

First of all I hate that book. Not ot be negative but my wife and I got the book and it worked for the first chapter or so. Then it died out. My wife has no sexual desire for me.

We have gone to Doctors and therapist and nothing seems ot work. She says she understand what my feelings are, but I felt/feel rejected. 

I was recently told that if we work through the other issues that we are having then maybe she will get her libido back. Of course the lack of libido started the issues in the first place and I am suppose to wait for her to work out the issues for years, mean while I am just rejected and feeling like a loser.

I feel your pain my friend, but I don;t have any advice. I can only offer you a shoulder and let you know that you are not alone in this. I am in the the same war.

Cheers!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

stoomey74 said:


> Of course the lack of libido started the issues in the first place and I am suppose to wait for her to work out the issues for years, mean while I am just rejected and feeling like a loser.


Sorry, but that is a pretty immature response. Basically you are saying, "Well, SHE started it! [pout, pout]"

Doesn't matter how it started IF you want to fix it. You do what needs to be done. Only you can decide if you really want to make that effort, or if you are just going to "go through the motions" to get sex. She will sense the difference. If you cannot get past your resentment, how can you expect her to do so?


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Hey Batter Batter

If you want the delicious middle 

from any chocolaty treat

you can't just pry it open like some old owl as a cheat

Women are like tootsie pops

It takes a more than a few licks

So take your time Mr. Owl or rather become Mr. Flick

Think Marathon and not just a quick sprint

She's got beautiful parts that if you look closely should make you squint

No fire is started from big pieces of wood

Small kindling ignites into a roaring fire under the hood


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sisters359,

That wasn't his point at all. His point was this. When he was doing all the emotional connection/good male partner stuff his wife lost her desire for him and shut him down. 

He does not believe - and he is likely quite correct - that if he goes back to being the 'good husband', that anything will improve in bed. 

I am not saying this justifies being a jerk - I don't think it does. I am saying that I do believe most cases of sexual aversion are not solved by the man listening better or doing more dishes. 

Sex life disruption caused by anger is usually fair solvable. You have the angry person - and their message is - I desire you and like sex however I am angry a lot because of ..... list .... and they usually have a specific and truthful list. And if their spouse - male or female - is a decent person, they change some/most/all the behavior making their partner angry and sex resumes quickly. 

THAT, is very very different then sexual aversion caused by emotional claustrophobia - they are too clingy or too needy, etc. Or by the lack of certain sexual behavior patterns that were present earlier on. Or the strange body to body breakdown in desire that seems to happen in many relationships over time. These are much harder/seemingly impossible to fix. 






sisters359 said:


> Sorry, but that is a pretty immature response. Basically you are saying, "Well, SHE started it! [pout, pout]"
> 
> Doesn't matter how it started IF you want to fix it. You do what needs to be done. Only you can decide if you really want to make that effort, or if you are just going to "go through the motions" to get sex. She will sense the difference. If you cannot get past your resentment, how can you expect her to do so?


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