# I feel bad for wanting sex....



## foozlemonster (Mar 9, 2011)

My wife and I met a few years ago and quickly fell in love. Our relationship grew and one day she found out that she was pregnant. Not really an accident. Not not trying is the same as trying. So we decided that we wanted to get married. A year and a half later, we have a 19 month old and a 4 month old and a good marriage. The only problem is my wife has no sex drive. It gets to the point that I have to beg for sex almost. She has a bad history with some sexual things and we have a relationship that is based on love, but I am a guy so my hormones keep pushing. We will go a month at a time without it and the only reason that she does it then is because she feels bad. Prior to the kids, we had an amazing sex life, so I know that there is the potential. I just don't know what to do. I'm not gonna cheat and I'm not gonna get a divorce so, any advice?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

It could be hormonal....especially if she is nursing. However, down to once a month is nearly sexless. She should talk to her doctor or midwife about it.

Also, if she is good to go once she gets revved up you might try some sort of adult toy to help get her a little closer to "there." Time to get creative! Maybe some erotic stories will help get her in the mood.

If you aren't going out just as a couple, get back to doing that. If the baby is nursing you should still be able to get away for an hour or 2.
You can also put the babies to bed and have some adult only time playing a game together or watching a movie or talking about your dreams.

Can she "give you a hand" in the shower a time or two each week? She doesn't need to have any drive to do that and it can help you guys be close and intimate...and you get your release.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would suggest getting Gottman's And Baby Makes Three
Rekindling Intimacy and Romance After Baby Arrives. I really liked his other books. A drop in sex isn't that uncommon here and the crazy frustration a man goes though along with the hurt a woman gets from being asked for sex constantly and doesn't want it.

This is a very tricky subject and feeling get hurt very quickly.

Talk to her openly and honestly if you haven't. "I loved our sex life before the baby. I'm hurt because we have very little sex. I'm still very interested in you, but also don't want to push you into it and have you be hurt. How do we fix this?"


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

doctor first..check to see if it's a simple hormone imbalance

second...what anx said...get her involved with the solution by asking how to fix it

and yeah unless she's seriously selfish she could at least wank you off..right?


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I would wait til the last child is 8yrs old, that's when my wife changed. you might have to slap the ham for another 6 yrs. Sorry it's the cost of love.
Mouse


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## kirby32 (Feb 21, 2011)

I've been where you are at. At the time I did not know how to handle it any better. Communication is key.

As others have said, have her talk to the doc and make sure nothing is wrong there.

You didnt mention how you two share responsibilities, so make sure you do a check on keeping up your end. Do your part to take care of kids and house. If she is home all day she will get cabin fever and might just need time away from the kids for a bit. Work for you can be hard, but at least it is a change of scenery.

With a 4 month old it is likely one or both of you are not sleeping much. Make sure both of you get a chance to get time to yourself to cool down and relax. Then work on getting some time for you two to relax together. Get a sitter if you can or even at night after the kids are in bed. Pick nights and schedule it if you have to.

Once those basics are taken care of you can start working on more sex. Tell her what you need and expect. You can't be mad at her for not giving it to you if she doesn't know what you expect. Be honest and reasonable.

The mistake I made during this time was not talking about it, but instead bottling up my resentment at the rejection and then getting into a fight about it. That didn't help. 

Talk to her about it and work out a frequency you can both live with. Anything more than what you are getting is a plus. You can work to improve from there. It probably wont turn around overnight, but if you communicate your needs it will hopefully get better.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

There isn't anything wrong with your desires; what I *would* say however is with a four-month-old, I'd say just take it easy for a little while longer. Is she breastfeeding- that can be a HUGE factor as the prolactin hormone suppresses sexual desire, plus you have to remember that hormones can be all out of kilter for a while after giving birth.

Having said that, I think it would be reasonable to both work on satisfying your desires, but if she is feeling particularly sleep-deprived, exhausted, this will really mean picking your moments- seriously, don't do what my OH does and insist any sexual activity happens at bedtime- he is late to bed and often I've already gone to bed so he coincides with me being in a deep sleep-exhausted comatose state or being in the middle of a night feed 

Maybe start with asking her to "give you a hand", explain you're feeling horny and want to be close to her, or anything else non-penetrative, and take it from there. Have you approached her like this at all?


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