# Need tools to stop being a smothering husband



## GoodGuywithIssues

My wife recently said she feels choked and unable to breathe in our marriage because I am too controlling and want to always be in her presence. She said she does not want to be and will not be controlled any longer and feels we need some time apart. I am not a fan of this, but I have come to terms with my issues and see clearly how they have damaged our relationship. She said she still loves me and that is why she has taken it upon herself to go to counseling, at first alone and then together. Her first session is this week. I fully understand now what I have been putting her through. My insecurities and trust issues have caused me to be controlling, which has gotten so bad that now she wants time apart. I haven't had any reason not to trust her, just baggage from my past and not the best example in the home as a child. My father was VERY controlling of my mother, so much so that it cost her several friendships. I, nor he, has/was ever been physically controlling, but I realize now that there are different forms of control. When you make your partner feel guilty about wanting some "me time", interrogate or act coldly towards them when they return home, feeling resentment because she would rather spend ANY time with her friends instead of me, these are all forms of control and being manipulative. I fully understand how my actions have fueled this feeling my wife has, my next step is arming myself with the tools to fix myself and in turn, fix my marriage. We have talked extensively and agree that we both lost our individuality in our marriage....something I now realize is essential to a successful marriage. It is important to have "me time" and "we time". Bottom line is, I need some direction or suggestions on how to make this change permanent and soon.


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## Deejo

Therapy.

We can certainly provide suggestions, but I would go as far to say that you cannot possibly succeed in making this kind of change without going to individual counseling.

Pick up the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It addresses some of the issues you are confronted with.

Seriously ... get yourself into therapy. Otherwise all of your efforts to prove to yourself that your wife loves you, by 'keeping her close', will be the very thing that drives her away. I'm presuming that's an outcome you want to avoid.


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## GoodGuywithIssues

You're exactly right. The one thing that I tried to keep from happening is what I am causing to happen. I have come to understand that no one should be under someone elses control. In fact, the "control" in itself is a fallacy. Look at my current situation...how much control did I or do I REALLY have? None. The only person I can control is me and I understand that now. Now it's time to do just that, and talk to someone to guide me through this transformation. Not only for my wife, but for myself. Only then will either of us truly be happy. I'm cognitive and accepting of my issues, so I feel I have solved half of them with this admission. Thanks for confirming the need to speak with a pro.


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## Sanity

I commend you for being so honest about your issues. I agree that counseling is definitely going to help in the long run. My STBXW is also very controlling and even though I love her I can't be with a person who treats me like a piece of property instead of a human being.

You could also ask her calmy to tell you how she feels and apologize for what you have done. Be humble and give her time and space. She needs to feel safe but free to be herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoodGuywithIssues

Thank you. I have expressed to her how sorry I am for behaving in this way and vowed to work hard to never do so again. I feel confident that I will succeed in making this change, I just pray it isn't too late. Thanks again. This blog is great.


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## BigBadWolf

The word "controlling" to me is usually a red herring, so my point is not to react so much to that notion to throw the baby out with the bath water.

If you have insecurities, fine, definitely work through counselling or whatever effective means to knock out any bad behaviors rooted in that. 

Insecurity in a man IS a marriage killer.

But saying that, I simply cannot agree 100 percent with the notion that stark individualism is so important in a marriage. 

I am a fan of expressing jealousy, a big fan of it, and I consider jealousy a fundamental communication of sexual desire and consider it an essential fabric in the tapestry of any monogamous relationship.

I am married, I do not behave as a single man. My wife is married, she does not behave as a single woman. We are a unit.

So my point in this, and the reason I want to respond to your post, is this:

You are working to make improvements, that is excellent. Make sure they are for YOURSELF primarily, not merely to please your wife, because often as men what we "think" will please our women, is often missing the mark.

Your wife is working to make improvements, and her willing and taking action to go to counselling HUGE. So huge I hesitate to even bother with my two cents. 

However...

I do not want to see you, as a good man wanting to preserve his marriage and make it so much better, after you do the hard work and put things into place, that you stumble on this point...

...that "controlling" was the problem.

The real problem, the behaviors stemming from your insecurity.

For no women wants to have to answer to a jealous man that she doesn't respect.

However a woman will LOVE the jealousy and attention of the man she respects and is attracted to and is emotoinally vulnerable to.

So again, after you roll up your sleeves and do the work that needs to be done, do not be afraid to be jealous and attentive to your woman, just show that it comes from your strength, your desire, and your protection, and never from your insecurity.

I wish you well.


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## GoodGuywithIssues

Thanks for your insight and advice. It has been VERY helpful. I'm ready to do the work and will keep in mind that it is for ME, not merely to please my wife. I know I will be a better mate once I have overcome these obstacles but if she isn't willing to accept it (me) then she will be missing out on the best "me" that I've ever had to offer.


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## Deejo

What BBW is emphasizing is that making the changes for you, will make you a better man ... which as a consequence will make you a better mate. It is a subtle, but very important message.

Another book recommendation: "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. Athol is a contributor on the forums, and has a great blog.


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## GoodGuywithIssues

I understand and that is the plan. Thanks again Deejo!


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## BigBadWolf

GoodGuywithIssues said:


> I know I will be a better mate once I have overcome these obstacles but if she isn't willing to accept it (me) then she will be missing out on the best "me" that I've ever had to offer.



Perfect! 

Now in your first post you are asking for tools.

Here are some tools off the top of my head:

1. What hobbies or sports did you used to do before you were married, yet today do not do? Remember the exciting, somewhat mysterious man you were when you were single, before you met your wife or at least before you became serious about her and most likely made her mostly your world. What was that man like, and how would you compare and contrast that man to who you are today? Being married means making changes, and yes becoming more responsible and somewhat "domesticated". Problem is, domesticated by definition means going from attributes that are "wild" to attributes that are "tame", so perhaps there is some food for thought on how it is crucial to retain and cultivate some of that "wild" undomesticated masculinity to fuel sexual attraction. The point, to really embrace the attitude and demonstrate this in your own action and behavior that as a man, you have the capacity to attract any of the 3 billion women on this planet, and how lucky your wife is to be the one that has the privilege of holding your attraction and protectoin and devotion. This is 100 percent the opposite of putting a woman on a pedastal, and is the difference between any "friend zone" or worse relationship with a woman, and having a woman on fire sexually (and emotionally) and willing and able to roll up her own sleeves and move heaven and hell to be with this kind of man.

2. Combating male insecurity. Despite what any man may or may not believe concerning his upbringing, political correctness, or any teaching or believe or opinion under the sun, understand this. Understand that it is not only perfectly acceptable, but actually the best thing to do is simply give yourself permission to define yourself as a man. Your father was controlling? Okay, your father wasn't perfect, not a man on this planet is! Merely learn and take what works, and learn and avoid what doesn't work. Do not let fear or society or a woman or another man or any other human being on earth be your yardstick. Be your OWN yardstick, because I promise you that you can make your own yardstick better than any other soul on this planet!

3. Pride and ego. Despite what society or political correctness may say, they are often your best guides in how to deal with the intangibles in relationships. For example, be proud to be a man, that your wife is your wife, and do not be ashamed to want the things a man wants, to have the deep, dark sexual desires that a man has. A woman may complain about a man's ego, his pride, or his hard headedness, but pay attention to the number one thing a woman says she wants in a man: Self Confidence. Now I dare you to tell me the difference between "pride and ego" and "Self Confidence". 

4. Respect. Without it, there will be no sexual attraction. And without sexual attraction, there will be no emotoinal connection. And your wife, without emotoinal connection, there is no vulnerability, no openness, and she will continue to "want space" and resent you and all these other things going on leading to seperation. And respect, for a man from a woman, can only be earned one way, by embracing and being successful in conflict.

5. Conflict. Do not avoid it, instead learn to master it, and get to the point of enjoying it. I'm serious, and if you take nothing else from this post, take this point! You say you are responsible for insecurities, controlling behavior, trust issues. That is well and good, but please understand this. A man that has a woman's respect, in a relationship this will cover a multitude of sin. A man that has a woman's respect, and sexual attraction and emotional connection and she is open and vulnerable to this man, this will cover a mutlitude of sin a million times over! Yet hear and understand and believe this, a man that has lost his woman's respect, and yes I'm emphasizing this is the man with no self confidence, who apologizes too often, and racked with insecurity, even if such a man were to do everything in the relationship to the absolute perfection, to his woman who does not respect him, even perfection will not be good enough! So all of this, simply this, do not underestimate the importance of embracing and mastering conflict.

Concerning conflict, this site has several good links in the "manning up" sticky in the Men's Forum concerning "fitness tests". 

It is good for any man to really grasp this concept, for passing fitness test is remarkable and effective, but understanding why they are there in the first place, why a woman wants (needs) to see how her man handles conflict, is the real treasure. 

ANyway, hope this is beneficial and I wish you the best success.


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