# I want to date, but should I?



## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

I'm clear that I no longer wish to be with my husband. But it's only been 2.5 months since we seperated/moved apart. I felt like death for the first month, cried a lot, drank too much and just tried to keep from getting fired from my job. 

Now the clouds are clearing a bit, I know that I would never consider reconciliation. I've suffered some serious self-esteem loss from staying in a marriage with a man that cheated and I never felt I could trust...and he was the one to actually make the final decision! He pointed out that it was partially because he couldn't keep hurting me, that he wasn't ready for marriage etc. I'm now thankful to be released from trying to trust someone I now know was just not ready to be trusted.

Soo....I'm tired of talking about the past with my excellent girlfriends and I want to hang out with MALE friends. Not talking about jumping into bed with anyone just yet, but is it safe? We've agreed that friendships with opposite sex are fine at this point, that we just have to alert the other if it turns into something more serious that our son will be affected by. 

Thoughts, experience, have at me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I feel the same way. However I know I'm not close to healed yet and would not feel right subjecting someone to me knowing that I am not able to really offer what I'm capable of. As long as you are being honest with yourself and others I think it is ok to seek friendship from either sex, and if there is sexual chemistry I think it is up to you to decide for yourself if it is morally acceptable to explore it... Just honesty is the crucial factor.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hmmm..... still married though......
Let the divorce finalize first. Anyone you meet afterwards will at least have potential, instead of instantly being "another man".
Sure there are plenty out there that wouldnt mind but is that the kind you want to associate with? Thats the kind of man that lured my wife away and destroyed my family. One who "didnt care if you were married or not"

Ducks in a row, I say. 
And I am going to open myself up to sounding like a huge prude right now, but recreational sex,,,, really???
I'm soon to be in the great pond again myself, and just dont understand the complacency people have these days towards the sampling of the week. For some reason being number 32 of the last two months loses its physical appeal to me. I cant imagine what its like for a woman, when a man is out banging everything that moves. Yuck, thats been where???
Unfortunately, people have decided it is more uncool to ask about it than to actually do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only 2 months out from a traumatic separation? No, I wouldn't advise you date at all. You don't sound like you're healed yet. But if you feel you want to, go for it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo, I am "planning" on waiting until my divorce is final before I even think of actively looking for dates again, however I am going forward with my eyes open and if someone nice comes into my life I am not going turn love away for some detail in the paperwork (whatever I can do to overcome this loneliness!). If the separation is just a step towards D, then "still married" doesn't really hold true - though in my W's case it did justify to her that she could proceed with her affair (even while I was still invested in the marriage) so I agree it could be a bit of a dilemna, especially if one spouse still views the separation as an opportunity for reconc.

But JB is right, a few months out from a traumatic breakup is a tough place and certainly OP is not really at a great time to be having a healthy romantic relationship yet.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Why not? It goes back to that other thread. It isn't fair for them to have already tested the water. A serious relationship at this point sure wouldn't be a good idea. It would just be a rebound relationship that is doomed to fail. Would it be best to wait until the divorce is final? Probably. OK, yes it would be best. But why? Hell, the unfaithful spouse has already and continues to have their relationship. Why not go out and have some fun with a member of the opposite sex?

Recreational sex? Well, I was faithful for 13 years. She had her recreational sex during that. I'm married on paper only at this point.

Sorry for the long-winded response. I'm right there with you. I think it might help to heal. I don't know. I am in the same position, so I can't really give advice on what you should do. Only you know when you are ready.


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

As far is 'is it right', well that's a morality issue and in my state I have to be separated for 1 year before they will grant us a divorce. Even though we both know it's over. 

I was more asking if it's too soon emotionally. I've already noticed that I'm fresh and it's an active growth spurt: I'm catching myself starting to resume old patterns that contributed to a failed marriage (when interacting with male persons, that is) and I think it's hard to work on relationship issues when you're not in a relationship to play on those patterns. 

Maybe no right answer but a year seems like jail sentence!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Morality aside, here's the conclusion I've come to.

I started off thinking vengeance. He went off with all these other girls, bragged to me about how i was so wrong some girl threw herself at him to spite his horrid wife (charming, is it not?) etc. 

But then I thought, NO, I'm going to be the bigger person. I'm not going to go out to hurt someone like that.

So then it gets to the point where i realize I've gone the past 7 or so years of my life having sex regularly except for maybe 2 months in between. AHH. But no, I can't do that, Morally..I respect myself too much to go out and **** around.

and here we come to now, my ultimate realization. After everything I read on here, all the issues, the effort, etc at this point regardless of my own personal progress and mental stability, there are too many dynamics to a relationship for me right now. period.

It is more important for me to work on myself and letting that person fully come back to bloom to be worried about dating or looking into men for anything other that buddies to hang out with. I love the flattery, I might even be up for a one night stand at some point, but as far as the dating scene being fresh out of a marriage and a relationship THAT committed and consuming, I don't need it, and i really don't want it either.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Be careful. Any dating while separated could be used in court.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

One way to find out if you are emotionally ready to date is to go out on a date. You'll know quickly enough where you're at! Could you manage yourself, did you find something to talk about and think about besides failed relationships, were you able to relax and be in the moment during your conversations or were you guarded and projecting and building walls that were meant for your past relationship imposed on your unsuspecting and undeserving date? 

I agree about the legal issues. I think it depends what state/country you are in, what kind of paperwork and documentation you might have regarding when your marriage was jointly decided to be 'finished' and when any new relationship started (if it's more than a 'date') under what circumstances, etc. and what you might have to lose in a fault-divorce, if anything, by bringing any kind of 'fault' into play for yourself. 

I don't think dating=sex. If it's sex someone is after, from what I understand from what my stbxh and other men have told me, hooking up is very easy and does not require dating. For me, dating is dating. You can go on a date and not have it lead to an intimate relationship. When I was living in the diplomatic community, it was common practice to accept a 'date' from a male escort when your husband was out of town (the fact that I was hugely pregnant and then had a baby along might have provided either some protection from gossip, or been fodder for it LOL!) however sometimes a date is just a date, for whatever reason. When I get an invitation for a date or a suggestion to go along to some event, I don't automatically assume that it is a 'date' as in what is usually thought of as dating leading to intimate relationship or exploring the possibility. Even I receive an open invitation from a guy friend who has kids and live-in girlfriend and lives next door to his sister and I know his tenant who is my dog sitter, I don't think it's hanky panky, I think it's company, raising kids is tough, company is good. I am kind of peeved because now my marriage is trashed, I will have to call before going over there to make sure there are other adults around to protect my friend from gossip (myself I don't care). It's bad enough I run into him without any arrangements so people see us together here and there and probably make assumptions. So the point of this, is, on the one hand, you need to have less worry about what people might think, in terms of doing what works for you. Find out for yourself if you are ready to date, and in what context and whether you want to be intimate with someone, at any level (hand holding, sitting close, kissing, or groping and sex which personally I feel if you do that before getting to know someone isn't intimacy at all, just a way of relating that may or may not work to your benefit in building intimacy, depending how good you are at holding that 'conversation' and what the balance is of it in the type of relationships that work best for you in your life.) The other point is your reputation. Make sure your conduct within the society in which you are choosing to live, will have holding power. Don't do anything that would cause people to have to go out on a limb to defend their friendships with you or worse, make them uncomfortable in your presence. I accepted a date from someone who is involved with an organization for which I volunteer, but he had the b*lls to come over to the office to walk me out in front of the bosses and a couple coworkers. It's a date, not an illegal drug deal. People in my office are aware of my situation, and some of them also know that up until that point my relationship with the guy had been strictly casual, I won't go into some of the discussions I've had about the guy in private with coworkers but they're definitely not romantic in nature. There's probably a general shock that I would accept a date from this guy. Living in a fishbowl is interesting, but I'm used to it. I think it's good practice to live as though you were in a fishbowl. Don't do anything that you might regret or can't account for. 

If you're going to explore going on a date, to see if you can handle it, or because there is an opportunity with someone you want to get to know or to just go out on a 'date' that is a 'date' and not a relationship thing but to go out to an event or dancing or movie, then just go. Don't think too much about it. Like I said, you'll know soon enough whether you can handle it or not. If not, then that's a risk that someone takes as an adult in asking you out...that you are more or less fresh out of a relationship and might have a 'messy' life and that's not what they want. But don't also decide in advance what someone else can handle. Just what you can handle. In fact, if it's uncomfortable to go out on a date, you might want to go out on dates (with different people) for practice, so that you don't become gun-shy about it. If you make it clear you are 'social dating' to have company and to have male friends because you enjoy that, I don't think any of your dates will get their nose bent out of joint because of it.

It's good to ask questions. It's also good to answer them.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I never understood why people jump out of one relationship into another, casual or not.

Why sweep the problems of the failed marriage under the rug of a new relationship?

Take this time to work on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DG, I get that, but in my case I'm certainly not going to be jumping into a LTR, I just want to start having some fun, inclulding with women. I am starting to realize that relationships are the ONLY thing we have on this earth. And right now most of my existing relationships are falling apart, so I think for me it is VERY important to seek new ones, otherwise I'm going to be in this crappy place for longer than I need to be. For me, "working on myself" means learning how to relate to people again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I started seeing someone soon after separating, like weeks. It was supposed to be just physical, but has evolved into something more. In hindsight, it was too soon, and I don't think it was the most emotionally healthy thing I could have done. But I'm not willing/wanting to end it now to re-start... 

I also have a one year mandatory separation period before I can actually get a divorce, and that seems unnecessarily long, in my opinion. There hasn't been one word of reconciliation attempt between my stbxw and myself in the last 6 months, so just let us end things already.

C


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree on not starting a relationship. Dating around and having fun looks to me at this point in time that it will help heal. The old self-esteem has taken a bludgeoning over the past year of hell. I don't know about even a formal date or anything. Going to a club and dancing with some women sounds like a lot of fun. Part of me wants to jump in the sack with the first willing woman to "even the score". I know that is wrong and I certainly wouldn't do it unless the willing partner knew it was purely physical. Even then, it isn't the morally correct thing to do. So I don't know if I'll even go there.

But getting out with members of the opposite sex seems like it would be a much needed ego boost.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> DG, I get that, but in my case I'm certainly not going to be jumping into a LTR, I just want to start having some fun, inclulding with women. I am starting to realize that relationships are the ONLY thing we have on this earth. And right now most of my existing relationships are falling apart, so I think for me it is VERY important to seek new ones, otherwise I'm going to be in this crappy place for longer than I need to be. For me, "working on myself" means learning how to relate to people again.


:iagree:


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> I agree on not starting a relationship. Dating around and having fun looks to me at this point in time that it will help heal. The old self-esteem has taken a bludgeoning over the past year of hell. I don't know about even a formal date or anything. Going to a club and dancing with some women sounds like a lot of fun. Part of me wants to jump in the sack with the first willing woman to "even the score". I know that is wrong and I certainly wouldn't do it unless the willing partner knew it was purely physical. Even then, it isn't the morally correct thing to do. So I don't know if I'll even go there.
> 
> But getting out with members of the opposite sex seems like it would be a much needed ego boost.


And.....:iagree: LOL!

After being punted around like a football, you start to feel weak and insecure. Ego boost will go a long way; especially if the person you go out with is easy to get along with and to talk to.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sprinter said:


> Be careful. Any dating while separated could be used in court.


this is true.
his attorney can and probably will ask all kinds of personal questions about any and all people you have had sex or relationships with since you were married, that includes people you are seeing during separation. although i dont see why they should be allowed to ask and expect answers about during separation. at that point it shouldnt matter, unless of course there are small children involved that this could impact. otherwise i dont feel it is their business.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> this is true.
> his attorney can and probably will ask all kinds of personal questions about any and all people you have had sex or relationships with since you were married, that includes people you are seeing during separation. although i dont see why they should be allowed to ask and expect answers about during separation. at that point it shouldnt matter, unless of course there are small children involved that this could impact. otherwise i dont feel it is their business.


Because they would like to use it against you if they could, irregardless of the fact that you weren't the one to call quits on your marriage. They want to get the whole picture so they can use it as fodder against you if the divorce becomes bitter. That is why it is better to wait for final divorce. You just gotta be careful.


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

Lon said:


> DG, I get that, but in my case I'm certainly not going to be jumping into a LTR, I just want to start having some fun, inclulding with women. I am starting to realize that relationships are the ONLY thing we have on this earth. And right now most of my existing relationships are falling apart, so I think for me it is VERY important to seek new ones, otherwise I'm going to be in this crappy place for longer than I need to be. For me, "working on myself" means learning how to relate to people again.


I really appeciate these responses. So many points of view...which goes to show that there is no right answer. 

I didn't even think about 'using against in court' and the fishbowl concept, and that's the reality and my dreamer/romantic self needed that check...thanks.

There has been some progression since posting...here it is:

I posted this originally after meeting someone in a group setting, out to dinner, with mutual friends that I felt really, really drawn to. Keep in mind that I was with my husband for 6 years and barely noticed anyone due to loyalty and devotion to to him, our family etc. Integrity is important to me. Even after cheating on me and continually coming home to report his attraction to female friends (due to counselors suggestion, ugg), I stayed completely focussed. Probably too focused i guess. 

So...this male person and I ended up talking and I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. I have had no male friends with exception of our shared friends' husbands and his friends. It was nice to be attracted to someone and feel that back. We walked his dog for a couple hours, he walked me home and no contact or anything but he asked me for my #. I supplied it and we texted a bit the next day. He has been divorced for 2 years and is totally helpful and understanding of my sitch. He was cheated on too. It's nice to talk to someone that is not in my inner circle.

So then I posted on here and reigned it in. Didn't text/call for a few days and then he asked if I wanted to join him and friends for dinner. I was VERY conflicted and almost backed out. But after a few friend coaching sessions, went, had a great time and quite honestly...and I KNOW this will sound unhealthy and it may be, we have an intense connection. It's a soul thing, not just physical. Bad timing of course and likely...I'm not ready.

The cool thing is that I'm hyper aware and like I said previously, I have a buddha on my shoulder pointing out all my crap and I'm trying the 180 in my head with this random happenstance guy.

He seems interested in me but is respectfully distant. I'm going to pull the reigns and step back but will continue to explore on a slow and platonic level since I won't ignore such a obvious connection.

Weird timing and actually sort of causing me some angst. I'm looking at why that is since I'm quite sure the angst in relationships generally is my issue. 

Sorry so long, but I strongly agree with Lon that I can't look at my relationship self as long as i'm not practicing. If this person is game, I may try things a different way and see if I can break old patterns.

I am determined to not get physically intimate until it's completely ok with all parties and legally legitimate. If you don't see my on here for a while it means I failed at that!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dating another while technically married is like playing with fire. Not so much that it will seal the nail on the coffin of a dead marriage but that it will lead to an emotional attachment and a rebound relationship. The separated, betrayed spouse is very vulnerable and unless he/she takes steps to protect his/her heart, the likelihood of one happening is great indeed.

Give yourself at least a few more months to a year of emotional healing so that you'll be in a better position to be choosy with whom you are willing to get involved with. If you don't, you might end up with a person who is no better than your STBXH.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

But what if, you have dated around a bit, begun to heal, and had your eyes opened? And then you meet someone, as a friend, and feel an amazing connection. You get each other and connect more than you ever did with anyone else? The timing isn't right, of course, and so you agree to move slowly. Maybe there's even distance between the two of you. Would it be right to pass up an opportunity at something great just because the timing isn't right and your divorce isn't final? Not saying jump in with both feet, but just explore a connection with the other person. Lean on them, get to know them, enjoy them enjoying who you are as a person. I feel like as long as you've taken time to reflect on where you are at and find yourself as a person, be able to identify your part in your failed relationship, etc. then maybe it's alright. Sometimes something just feels right, even if it goes against all of the above. I would have wholeheartedly agreed with the advice to take some time for yourself, but sometimes, someone walks into your life. I feel like I'd regret turning that away!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

LonelyNLost said:


> But what if, you have dated around a bit, begun to heal, and had your eyes opened? And then you meet someone, as a friend, and feel an amazing connection. You get each other and connect more than you ever did with anyone else? The timing isn't right, of course, and so you agree to move slowly. Maybe there's even distance between the two of you. Would it be right to pass up an opportunity at something great just because the timing isn't right and your divorce isn't final? Not saying jump in with both feet, but just explore a connection with the other person. Lean on them, get to know them, enjoy them enjoying who you are as a person. I feel like as long as you've taken time to reflect on where you are at and find yourself as a person, be able to identify your part in your failed relationship, etc. then maybe it's alright. Sometimes something just feels right, even if it goes against all of the above. I would have wholeheartedly agreed with the advice to take some time for yourself, but sometimes, someone walks into your life. I feel like I'd regret turning that away!


It is possible and it could last forever but because of the condition of ones heart at this time, one can not really be certain of what is or isn't. I would say that if this were the case where this new person seems to be "the one", then you are right, you shouldn't dismiss it and just throw it away because of some philosophical rule of rebound relationships. BUT - In these cases, I would definitely move very very slowly; much slower than if it were to be a normal relationship after several months or years of re-evaluating yourself. So I would not let that new person go, but I would make sure they knew that you were going to take forever and a day to decide what you are going to do and if he wants to try to take that journey with you and be patient then great. It's really for the sake of your new relationship, you sure don't want to make the same mistake twice with a marriage. I don't know if this helps but this is just my take on it. In a nutshell, you are right about not just throwing away something that could potentially be great.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

brighterlight said:


> It is possible and it could last forever but because of the condition of ones heart at this time, one can not really be certain of what is or isn't. I would say that if this were the case where this new person seems to be "the one", then you are right, you shouldn't dismiss it and just throw it away because of some philosophical rule of rebound relationships. BUT - In these cases, I would definitely move very very slowly; much slower than if it were to be a normal relationship after several months or years of re-evaluating yourself. So I would not let that new person go, but I would make sure they knew that you were going to take forever and a day to decide what you are going to do and if he wants to try to take that journey with you and be patient then great. It's really for the sake of your new relationship, you sure don't want to make the same mistake twice with a marriage. I don't know if this helps but this is just my take on it. In a nutshell, you are right about not just throwing away something that could potentially be great.


Yes, my thinking is along the same lines. We are both very aware. He begun his journey in February, same time as I did, his divorce was just finalized a lot quicker (no kids). So his divorce has been final for more than a month, still fresh, and mine will be done in a couple months. We both had the same philosophy about dating around and finding yourself, but not getting into a committed relationship for at least a year. But then things happen. But we talk about it all, so that's a good thing. Just too good to pass up!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

LonelyNLost said:


> Yes, my thinking is along the same lines. We are both very aware. He begun his journey in February, same time as I did, his divorce was just finalized a lot quicker (no kids). So his divorce has been final for more than a month, still fresh, and mine will be done in a couple months. We both had the same philosophy about dating around and finding yourself, but not getting into a committed relationship for at least a year. But then things happen. But we talk about it all, so that's a good thing. Just too good to pass up!


:smthumbup:


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