# Running out of energy on this long uphill journey...



## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

I've been married for about 30 years. It's been about 3 years since Dday & I'm the unfaithful husband. About a month after Dday, I had an awakening, it just suddenly hit me hard, I had an emotional breakdown, I felt the pain I caused my wife and I experienced a pain myself that I thought I was having a heart attack. I started I/C and full disclosure to my wife.
The first year after Dday was physically rough with all the rage, sometimes physical, but I didn't have any problem taking all it all in, because I could see the pain in her rage and I was glad she could release her anger.
The second year after Dday there was still frequent episodes of extreme rage, less physical, but still the same intensity. However it was getting harder and harder for me to endure these rage episode, because I saw the change in how she expressed her anger, I started seeing less and less of the pain which transformed into hatred. 
I've talked about it in my I/C but my counsellor told me that he could not help the recovery of my marriage because my wife refused counselling, he helped me on my own recovery and guided me on what I could do to help my wife heal. But since Dday she insisted that there is no future of "us", no hope in hell for reconciliation, she just want me to pay for my crime for the rest of my life, by means of staying together so that she can treat me like a door mat every time she feels a trigger. Since Dday until now, we're separating under the same roof with no intimacy of any kind, she wouldn't even let me touch her even when she needed help with something.
The 3rd year has been very difficult for me because the rage episodes with all the shaming, name calling, belittling, mocking, berating are for the purpose of making me feel as horrible as possible. Even my wife admitted so, she told me she has no feeling for me any more, she only has hatred and she wants me to feel shameful all the time as a form of punishment for my betrayal because "low life selfish arsehole cheating bastards" deserve life sentence of being shamed, don't deserve to be treated as human.
Just a bit of background, my wife has always been dominant with some verbal abusive behaviour in the past, but it's gotten much worse now that she feels entitled to be abusive.
For the last 3 years, I've been taking it all in with the hope that 1 day she will change her mind and agree see marriage counselling to reconcile.
About a year ago my counsellor advised me that I need to consider parting ways for my mental well being because he could see how stressful I've become, and my wife seemed to be very adamant on not reconciliation.
But the remorse is eating me up, I really wanted to help her heal and the guilt of my affair breaking up the marriage is just too much, I couldn't bring myself to it.
But lately I find that it's been getting harder and harder for me to endure it, I'm just getting too exhausted. I feel like a complete failure and I feel I'm dying slowly inside, because I deep down, I think I know the only way to help us moving forward is to part ways...
I guess I'm hoping someone has gone through a similar experience can shed some light but it's probably a slim hope.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your household is toxic now and that's not healthy for either of you to be in. At a very minimum get your own place so you have a real separation. I don't think she's ever going to be good to live with because she is not wanting to work on it. I really don't understand for the life of me why she's still there. 

She knows you're doing some work and that hasn't swayed her. I just think you need to get your own place and see if that changes anything.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

endlesstunnel said:


> I've been married for about 30 years. It's been about 3 years since Dday & I'm the unfaithful husband. About a month after Dday, I had an awakening, it just suddenly hit me hard, I had an emotional breakdown, I felt the pain I caused my wife and I experienced a pain myself that I thought I was having a heart attack. I started I/C and full disclosure to my wife.
> The first year after Dday was physically rough with all the rage, sometimes physical, but I didn't have any problem taking all it all in, because I could see the pain in her rage and I was glad she could release her anger.
> The second year after Dday there was still frequent episodes of extreme rage, less physical, but still the same intensity. However it was getting harder and harder for me to endure these rage episode, because I saw the change in how she expressed her anger, I started seeing less and less of the pain which transformed into hatred.
> I've talked about it in my I/C but my counsellor told me that he could not help the recovery of my marriage because my wife refused counselling, he helped me on my own recovery and guided me on what I could do to help my wife heal. But since Dday she insisted that there is no future of "us", no hope in hell for reconciliation, she just want me to pay for my crime for the rest of my life, by means of staying together so that she can treat me like a door mat every time she feels a trigger. Since Dday until now, we're separating under the same roof with no intimacy of any kind, she wouldn't even let me touch her even when she needed help with something.
> ...


It takes two and brace yourself for the heat your about to be under I suspect. There are very few on here with empathy for an adulterer.

I too was the wayward spouse who sought emotional fulfillment with a man to which of course turned physical. I can say it was the biggest mistake of my life. Like you, I took the heat, the punishment I deserved With hope that one day it would be mended. My husband was no angel himself and he knew it. 

Anyhow, I spent 11 years tryng to make up for what I’d done. I along with counselors, friends who knew our situation agreed thats what I did was wrong and a betrayal but it was either, forgive, be accountable for eachs own faults and move forward or divorce.

My husband had no intention of truly forgiving me though I do believe he made the effort to move past it, he never could fully and I understand it. But verbally abusing me, trapping me in rooms, ect was far beyond what was due after living in purgatory for so long.

anyhow, what I’m saying is, that was with someone who was partially trying to move Past it, yours isn’t even trying and has made it clear she won’t. that’s on her, not you at this point if you’ve truly been repentant and done all you can do.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your marriage is dead. If your wife won’t end it, you need to, for both of your well beings.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

endlesstunnel said:


> I've been married for about 30 years. It's been about 3 years since Dday & I'm the unfaithful husband. About a month after Dday, I had an awakening, it just suddenly hit me hard, I had an emotional breakdown, I felt the pain I caused my wife and I experienced a pain myself that I thought I was having a heart attack. I started I/C and full disclosure to my wife.
> The first year after Dday was physically rough with all the rage, sometimes physical, but I didn't have any problem taking all it all in, because I could see the pain in her rage and I was glad she could release her anger.
> The second year after Dday there was still frequent episodes of extreme rage, less physical, but still the same intensity. However it was getting harder and harder for me to endure these rage episode, because I saw the change in how she expressed her anger, I started seeing less and less of the pain which transformed into hatred.
> I've talked about it in my I/C but my counsellor told me that he could not help the recovery of my marriage because my wife refused counselling, he helped me on my own recovery and guided me on what I could do to help my wife heal. But since Dday she insisted that there is no future of "us", no hope in hell for reconciliation, she just want me to pay for my crime for the rest of my life, by means of staying together so that she can treat me like a door mat every time she feels a trigger. Since Dday until now, we're separating under the same roof with no intimacy of any kind, she wouldn't even let me touch her even when she needed help with something.
> ...


Wow, sorry for the spot you’re in.

Very simply, you broke your marriage. Your wife hasn’t been able to recover from that and in fact doesn’t even want to. I agree with others, your marriage is over.

There is never a good reason for rage and violence, especially physical. I appreciate that you took it in the early days after DDay, those can be extremely hard days. But that should have ended long ago.

And now you’re trying to live with someone who hates you? Pull the plug on this one. If she was willing to try then maybe other options would work. But no, it’s over.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get your legal ducks in a row, talk to a lawyer and get a good picture of what to expect and then have a come to Jesus talk with your wife.

She needs to engage in the reconciliation effort to make it work. She didn't screw it up and you need to do the heavy lifting but it does take two to have a healthy reconciliation.

She needs to get on board and go to counseling with you or you need to cut her loose.

Initial rage and verbal explosions are pretty normal and to be expected. Physical abuse? Not at all!

As time and work proceed though, the betrayed spouse needs to work in a positive direction with a truly remorseful former wayward for the health of their marriage.

You don't deserve to be continually abused at all.

This isn't a marriage and your wife needs appraised of that fact. If she won't work to make it a real marriage, hand her a certificate to make the death of your marriage official and move on, making better and healthier choices.

You mortally wounded your marriage. She continues to poison the marriage as you strive to keep it alive.

Let it have a dignified death if she doesn't want it to live again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Three years have passed and she has no intention of trying to help rebuild the marriage. Yes you blew it up but you must both be so desperately unhappy that it seems pointless to try and live in the same home. 
I would end this toxic relationship, it's clearly agony for both of you. 
Plus if she is still being violent after 3 years please go. There is no excuse for physical abuse.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is going to sound harsh and will probably set some people off, but the way she treats you, I can understand why you wanted to be with someone else. 

What i don't understand is why you continue to subject yourself to outright abuse, belittling, contempt, hostility and hate. 

There are consequences and ramifications for adultery which include loss of love and connection, separation and divorce, and all of the things that come with the collapse of a marriage and divorce. 

She has just cause to lose love and connection to you. She has the right to leave you and divorce you and to take her entitled share of the marital assets as determined by law and the court. She has the right to cut your face out of all of her pictures of you to together. She has the right to explain to her friends and family that she divorced you due to your infidelity. 

She has the right to allow you to experience those very predictable consequences of infidelity and she is under no obligation to whitewash what you did. 

But what she does not have the right to do is to abuse you and intentionally torment and willfully inflict pain and humilation and abuse on you. 

If she were to divorce you for infidelity, you would have no recourse but to accept that action on her part. But no one has to accept abuse and mistreatment and intentional humiliation and torment. 

You were wrong to cheat. But she is wrong to intentionally abuse you and wilfully subject you to torment and despair. 

There are natural consequences and ramifications for infidelity but having to accept outright abuse and wilful torment and "punishment" is not one of them. You do not have to accept this. You are within your right to pack your sht and leave. 

This so called "marriage", and I do use that term loosely, is toxic and harmful to both of you and is doing neither of you any good or benefit whatsoever. It is just making both of you miserable and ruining both of your lives. It is making her a monster and you a pathetic, sniveling shell of man. 

Save yourselves and end this train wreck.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

Thank you all for your replies. 
I totally agreed with all of you that my betrayal broke my marriage, it's all on me. I caused the excruciating pain of being betrayed for my wife so I totally understand if she doesn't want to reconcile, I also understand forgiveness is a gift and if she doesn't want to give it then it's her decision, I don't deserve it. 



DownByTheRiver said:


> ...I really don't understand for the life of me why she's still there...


Initially after Dday she was devastated, she didn't want to do anything so I took care of the house, all the cleaning & cooking. And since then I still take care of everything in the house (all housework & cooking because I work from home). Furthermore, she said she doesn't want to kick me out of the house because she needs to be able to relieve her anger on me whenever she feels a trigger, and I committed a horrible crime so I deserve a life sentence of punishment. I was hoping the anger eventually subsides but hasn't yet.



Bulfrog1987 said:


> ...There are very few on here with empathy for an adulterer...
> ...it was either, forgive, be accountable for eachs own faults and move forward or divorce.


Please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for empathy, there's never a good reason for any kind of betrayal, I have true remorse for what I've done and I've been trying to help her heal. I've begged her to see a Therapist to help her heal (not to help reconciliation because she doesn't want it), I just wanted her to recover from the pain but she refused to do so.
I am accountable for what I've done so I'm willing to accept whatever decision she wants to make (including divorce), it's just difficult that we're sort of in limbo, not divorcing but also not reconciling.



Captain Obvious said:


> Your marriage is dead. If your wife won’t end it, you need to, for both of your well beings.


I've been advised to do so several times in I/C. But the guilt of me wrecking my marriage is too painful for me to initiate it, however I think it will eventually comes to that when I'm out of steam and can no longer endure the constant shaming.



BeyondRepair007 said:


> There is never a good reason for rage and violence, especially physical. I appreciate that you took it in the early days after DDay, those can be extremely hard days. But that should have ended long ago...


Fortunately for me she was only physical during the first year, I couldn't imagine the strength she had, she's a tiny woman but she literally ripped several shirts off my back with her bare hands, I was black and blue all over during that first year, but I'm telling you those physical attacks were much easier to take than the verbal abuse lately.



ConanHub said:


> ...She needs to engage in the reconciliation effort to make it work. She didn't screw it up and you need to do the heavy lifting but it does take two to have a healthy reconciliation...
> ...the betrayed spouse needs to work in a positive direction with a truly remorseful former wayward for the health of their marriage.


She told me "_you f*d it up so you should see therapist to fix your f*d up head. I didn't do anything wrong so why should I_" and she further told me that "_I don't want to move on with you so why should I see a counsellor? we're done_!"

Part of me is still hoping she will eventually come around and agree to counselling but that hope is slowly fading away every day.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

endlesstunnel said:


> Thank you all for your replies.
> I totally agreed with all of you that my betrayal broke my marriage, it's all on me. I caused the excruciating pain of being betrayed for my wife so I totally understand if she doesn't want to reconcile, I also understand forgiveness is a gift and if she doesn't want to give it then it's her decision, I don't deserve it.
> 
> 
> ...


3 years is just too long to intentionally punish your spouse. And she has no plans, intention, or desire to heal. That says it all.

If there was a glimmer of hope, the tone might be different. But there’s not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Then you know what to do.

I would have been gone when she started physically hurting me.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

endlesstunnel said:


> Thank you all for your replies.
> I totally agreed with all of you that my betrayal broke my marriage, it's all on me. I caused the excruciating pain of being betrayed for my wife so I totally understand if she doesn't want to reconcile, I also understand forgiveness is a gift and if she doesn't want to give it then it's her decision, I don't deserve it.
> 
> 
> ...


I didn’t feel you were looking for empathy, yet because I’ve been your shoes I have it. I should have left my marriage before stepping out. I had hope before my affair my husband would come around and stop the nightly drinking, stop using me for sex only and to be his live in nanny for his youngest but he never did. I should have left before my affair.

I was young and stupid. What I ended up enduring over all that was ridiculous in hindsight. Ridiculous because in the end, the real issues in my husbands life (I say his life because he didn’t include me before and after the incident) ended up literally taking his life.

I endured all that for over a decade and it was for nothing. With the exception of learning my lesson the hard way. I was a remorseful as they come sir, to the bone. I was unworthy of forgiveness, deserved every ounce of backlash I received and then some in my mind. 

But I tell you this, if I was so damn terrible why didn’t he divorce me? Because no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, but no one (for the most part) deserves to be treated like dog **** forever. They just don’t. So she doesn’t want to forgive, that’s her right. She can be bitter the rest of her life without you and you can love her from a distance.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I _was_ your wife. I punished her for three years and I left the marriage. Some things you can never get over. Cheating is high on that list.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife hits you?

There are some positive reconciliation stories on this site but your wife doesn’t get to abuse you emotionally and physically because you cheated. And three years later, she sounds like she just wants to live like this.

You should divorce. What you did was wrong, no question. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me, because I just don’t think it’s worth the trouble to rebuild trust. That’s just me. Your wife sounds unstable and you really should get out for your own health and safety.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> She has just cause to lose love and connection to you. She has the right to leave you and divorce you and to take her entitled share of the marital assets as determined by law and the court. She has the right to cut your face out of all of her pictures of you to together. She has the right to explain to her friends and family that she divorced you due to your infidelity.


I totally agree and I know I deserve it. I've already prepared for a divorce if/when she wants to go ahead with it. Even though the family law here is no fault divorce, we're very financially stable and I'm willing to give her 2/3 of our assets including our house which would provide her a very comfortable lifestyle.



oldshirt said:


> But what she does not have the right to do is to abuse you and intentionally torment and willfully inflict pain and humilation and abuse on you.


This is the issue that's making me exhausted. I've tried to talk to her about it but still haven't got much success because she indicated that she has the rights to abuse me anyway she wants to. Her argument is that unfaithful spouses are criminals so they deserved to be punished by the victims (the betrayed spouse) for their crimes.

My therapist also had told me many times that we are living in a very unhealthy environment, but I just can't get pass the enormous guilt to initiate the divorce myself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This thread is the third one in two weeks on here, that I’ve read domestic violence is going on and the person being struck/harmed believes they deserve it. You don’t deserve it.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I _was_ your wife. I punished her for three years and I left the marriage. Some things you can never get over. Cheating is high on that list.


I can fully understand that.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> This thread is the third one in two weeks on here, that I’ve read domestic violence is going on and the person being struck/harmed believes they deserve it. You don’t deserve it.


It’s a terrible mindset to be in. Being so desperate to make sure they know just how sorry you are. When you feel like trash you believe you deserved to be treated kind of way.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

endlesstunnel said:


> I can fully understand that.


I only say that to tell you that likely, it’s not going to end. The only ‘mercy’ I showed towards my cheating wife was to end the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Reconciliation obviously doesn’t work for everyone. Both parties have to be willing to start over and build a new marriage and it doesn’t sound like your wife can do that. I doubt she’s going to initiate a divorce — she enjoys punishing you too much for that — so either you’ll have to do it or else accept this is how your life is going to go for years or decades or forever. Your choice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

endlesstunnel said:


> Thank you all for your replies.
> I totally agreed with all of you that my betrayal broke my marriage, it's all on me. I caused the excruciating pain of being betrayed for my wife so I totally understand if she doesn't want to reconcile, I also understand forgiveness is a gift and if she doesn't want to give it then it's her decision, I don't deserve it.
> 
> 
> ...


I mean she is just punishing you at this point. The violence would have made me leave before any of this ever came up. It's not a healthy relationship. I know you're staying out of guilt and I do sense remorse, but she might actually get past it or move on quicker if you guys were just not living together. She doesn't sound like she is though and I think it's weird she still wants to be in the house with you. I think you should stop waiting for her to make her decision because she sounds like she could deal with this unpleasant chaos a long time.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Are there any children witnessing this disaster?


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

Endlesstunnel, buddy, you can’t see the forest for the trees. 

You have done everything in your power to try to help this woman. SHE DOESN’T WANT HELP. She doesn’t want to save the marriage. She also doesn’t want to heal. There is nothing more you can do for her. 

Yes, you broke the marriage, and yes, you feel like you have broken her. Maybe you have, but what she is doing to you and herself now is HER CHOICE. This is what she wants.

For your own sanity, you need to file and get out ASAP. MAYBE she will decide to heal herself after you do. (Maybe she won’t, but she DEFINITELY WON’T if you stay…so if you care about her happiness, YOU REALLY NEED TO GO…and LET HER GO.)

I know this: I left my cheating husband 3 months after D-day because I KNEW that I WOULD PUNISH him every day for the rest of our lives if I had stayed. I AM CERTAIN OF IT. I also could not forgive infidelity. (We were married for 27 years, together for 29. Even with all that time invested…when you know that you cannot forgive infidelity, YOU KNOW that you cannot forgive infidelity.)

I am choosing NOT to live that way. I do not want to let this wound fester, but I knew it wouldn’t heal at all if I left it sit in the sewer…so I got myself a paddle. 

And you know what? At 4 & 1/2 months from my D-day, I am already happier! As soon as I made my big decision, I felt a weight had been lifted. I could see a light at the end of my tunnel. I am nowhere near close enough to climb out yet, but I know it exists. 

Exit the marriage. You will both be happier in the long run. (But unfortunately there will still definitely be a period of pain and healing from the loss of this “relationship” in the interim.)

Good luck to you. 💛


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

endlesstunnel said:


> I totally agree and I know I deserve it. I've already prepared for a divorce if/when she wants to go ahead with it. Even though the family law here is no fault divorce, we're very financially stable and I'm willing to give her 2/3 of our assets including our house which would provide her a very comfortable lifestyle.
> 
> 
> This is the issue that's making me exhausted. I've tried to talk to her about it but still haven't got much success because she indicated that she has the rights to abuse me anyway she wants to. Her argument is that unfaithful spouses are criminals so they deserved to be punished by the victims (the betrayed spouse) for their crimes.
> ...


Let me save you countless thousands of dollars going to a therapist that is milking you for money. 

**** whatever she says. Only YOU can allow her to mistreat and abuse and "Punish" you. 

If you are putting up with this crap due to your own guilt, then you need to tell yourself you've punished yourself enough and let the ***** go. 

Listen, there is a reason you cuddled up with some other woman in first place. My suspicion is because it's not pleasant cuddling up to a frick'n porcupine. Your wife is a monster. She's nasty person. Don't try to tell she was a sweet and kind and loving paragon of virtue up until the day you cheated. For her to treat a person like this day in and day out for 3 years with virtually no sign of remorse or humility indicates she is rotten to the core and probably always has been. I understand that people are hurt and angry and enraged and can lash out in the days and weeks following a betrayal. 

But the important thing for you to recognize here is she is INTENTIONALLY REMAINING IN THE MARRIAGE TO HURT AND TORMENT YOU. This is evil. 

She had the full right to pack her bags and walk out and never speak to you again after DDay. But she instead chose to remain in your life for the purpose of hurting, tormenting and humiliating you. This is the definition of not only abuse but of evil. 

Yes you screwed up by not tossing the btch out before you rubbed up against some other woman. But how much are you going to sit in the corner and slap yourself in the face? At this point, it is your own guilt and your own hand that is punishing you because you are choosing to sit and endure this abuse. 

Look you tried to make things right and you tried to make amends and you tried to stand up and take your "punishment." OK good on you. Have a cookie. 

But how long are you going to keep screwing up your life and how long are you going to keep making your lives miserable? 
You screwed up by not dissolving the marriage when you knew she was a btch and you were wanting to be with someone else. 

You screwed up when you cheated. 

And you are screwing up day in and day out now by allowing this evil to occur and allowing yourself to be abused and emasculated and humiliated. 

When are you going to stand up and take responsibility for your own well being and your own life? 

Grow some balls, shove a broomstick up your keester to give yourself some spine, tell her you're sorry for all your past screw ups and then hand her the divorce papers and walk away and never be in the same room with that ***** again.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Let me save you countless thousands of dollars going to a therapist that is milking you for money.
> 
> uck whatever she says. Only YOU can allow her to mistreat and abuse and "Punish" you.
> 
> ...


Harsh, but accurate.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me put things in a more clinical and nuts and bolts perspective. 

Both of your reasons for staying in a toxic marriage and situation are pathological and dysfunctional. Neither of you are staying for love and devotion and actually wanting to be together. 

You are staying out of some weird, masochistic, pathological guilt/martyr complex in hopes you can transform a fire breathing dragon into some kind of cuddly kitten or something. 

And she is staying so she can continuously torment and hurt you and make you suffer. 

You don't actually want to be with her and probably haven't for a long long time but your pathological guilt is compelling you to bend over and spread your cheeks and take it dry. 

And she has come right out and told you that she doesn't want to be with you and that she hates you and that she just wants to make you suffer. 

Do you see how disordered and dysfunctional and harmful this is to the both of you?? 

Neither of you are in this for the right reasons. You are both killing yourselves and ruining each of your lives for pathological and asinine and even evil purposes.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

It takes two to reconcile. You cannot do it yourself. The way she is acting is not healthy for you or for her. The idea of staying together should be to rebuild the relationship. Staying together so you can be punished is just sick. It seems like you feel a need to be punished. This is not healthy. Your therapist should help you with this. You both need to move on. It is over.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

endlesstunnel said:


> and she further told me that "_I don't want to move on with you so why should I see a counsellor? we're done_!"


She has already said that your marriage is done -- why not get the paperwork done to prove it? YOU are constantly triggering her and she doesn't want to let go of the anger, so really, what "marriage" do you have? You both need to get out of that constant stress atmosphere and move on. You should see a lawyer and get that started.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

@endlesstunnel Yikes, your story hit home hard for me. Like made me feel sick to my stomach to be reminded of how I was. I was just like your wife. I had been dominate and my husband was passive, weak. When I found out he cheated it sent me into a rage/shame spiral that I could not navigate out of. We tried to “reconcile” for 18 months, filled with the best sex we ever had, plus me physically and emotionally abusing him when i triggered, which was often. That cycle only ended when I cheated on him with someone “better” and left.

That was 15 years ago. I also thought that he deserved what he got and anything short of killing him was justified for what he had done. Imagine my surprise going to therapy to deal with the horrible abuse my husband perpetrated on me (cheating is abuse) and finding out my therapist was more concerned about my reactions. Normal people are hurt, angry and some have episodes of DV. But apparently thinking you can emotionally and physically torture your cheating spouse forever is a sign of a personality disorder. Who knew?

My XH is remarried to a lady he and my kids love. Please don’t stay with your BS out of guilt or fear. There is a better life for all of you on the other side of this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

endlesstunnel said:


> I totally agree and I know I deserve it. I've already prepared for a divorce if/when she wants to go ahead with it. Even though the family law here is no fault divorce, we're very financially stable and I'm willing to give her 2/3 of our assets including our house which would provide her a very comfortable lifestyle.
> 
> 
> This is the issue that's making me exhausted. I've tried to talk to her about it but still haven't got much success because she indicated that she has the rights to abuse me anyway she wants to. Her argument is that unfaithful spouses are criminals so they deserved to be punished by the victims (the betrayed spouse) for their crimes.
> ...


Why are you letting yourself be abused daily? You are both very unhappy, just end this toxic relationship before one of you has a real breakdown.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


endlesstunnel said:



She told me "you f*d it up so you should see therapist to fix your f*d up head. I didn't do anything wrong so why should I" and she further told me that "I don't want to move on with you so why should I see a counsellor? we're done!"

Click to expand...

*I'm not trying to be snarky, but holy crow, exactly WHAT part of "we're DONE!" did you *not* comprehend?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

endlesstunnel said:


> I've been married for about 30 years. It's been about 3 years since Dday & I'm the unfaithful husband. About a month after Dday, I had an awakening, it just suddenly hit me hard, I had an emotional breakdown, I felt the pain I caused my wife and I experienced a pain myself that I thought I was having a heart attack. I started I/C and full disclosure to my wife.
> The first year after Dday was physically rough with all the rage, sometimes physical, but I didn't have any problem taking all it all in, because I could see the pain in her rage and I was glad she could release her anger.
> The second year after Dday there was still frequent episodes of extreme rage, less physical, but still the same intensity. However it was getting harder and harder for me to endure these rage episode, because I saw the change in how she expressed her anger, I started seeing less and less of the pain which transformed into hatred.
> I've talked about it in my I/C but my counsellor told me that he could not help the recovery of my marriage because my wife refused counselling, he helped me on my own recovery and guided me on what I could do to help my wife heal. But since Dday she insisted that there is no future of "us", no hope in hell for reconciliation, she just want me to pay for my crime for the rest of my life, by means of staying together so that she can treat me like a door mat every time she feels a trigger. Since Dday until now, we're separating under the same roof with no intimacy of any kind, she wouldn't even let me touch her even when she needed help with something.
> ...


When a partner cheats in a marriage it can never recover.
Your wife has been honest and said she no longer has feelings for you.
Sorry pal, but you have blown your relationship and according to your post it`s over and a situation you`ll have to deal with and accept.
I hope you felt whoever you were unfaithful with was worth it.
Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It may not matter at this point but why did you cheat? Did you confess or were you caught? How long had it been going on?

I think your wife hasn't reconciled the fact that life as she knew it is over and that she can’t move past cheating. That is the source of her rage. I knew I couldn't get past it with ny ex and if I'd stayed I would've remained angry, though in my defense I was never violent. But the unknown is also scary and even though your wife us miserable and abusive this is familiar to her.

This dynamic is absolutely unhealthy for both of you. Abuse is unacceptable and that anger is rotting her on the inside. At this point if you truly want to atone then file for divorce and leave. Then you can both heal.

It's a high price for a piece of trash that ****s married men.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

endlesstunnel said:


> But the remorse is eating me up,* I really wanted to help her heal* and the guilt of my affair breaking up the marriage is just too much, I couldn't bring myself to it.


The only way you can help her at this point is to end the marriage. She is going to stay in this hate spiral every day that she looks at you. She is like a person with a wound that can't stop picking at the scab. You will have to be the stronger person for the two of you, and say 'Enough.'


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@endlesstunnel You cheated, your wife is an abusive, violent spouse.

You need to be the better person. How can you be the better person? Check with your solicitor/lawyer to sort out an order of protection against her and file for separation/divorce.

You will save her from herself because three years of being in a rage is not good for her wellbeing.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

At this point in time it basically is cowardice. You just lack the balls to be a man that has fortitude to do what's right, hence you cheated, and the reason why you are using "guilt" as a cope out to keep in the same situation. The marriage is over, there's nothing to do other than to keep pretending that guilt is keeping you being constantly abused.

Hasn't it occurred to you that probably the only remote change you have to turn things around with her would be to present her with divorce papers? if being served all it would do is to enrage her more, rather than shock her to reflect and reconsider the marriage, then you have your answer. Why continue to be there being a pathetic coward unable to move, paralyzed in fears? We only have one life to live, so far you wasting it miserably.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

@endlesstunnel Bud, you committed one of the worst acts of betrayal known to man. 

Don't look for empathy because you deserve none. 

Stay in counseling, meet another lady and make sure you don't make the same mistake you made with your STBX.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Are there any children witnessing this disaster?


Our kids are all independent adults living in their own homes.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

Woundidwife said:


> ...I know this: I left my cheating husband 3 months after D-day because I KNEW that I WOULD PUNISH him every day for the rest of our lives if I had stayed. I AM CERTAIN OF IT. I also could not forgive infidelity. (We were married for 27 years, together for 29. Even with all that time invested…when you know that you cannot forgive infidelity, YOU KNOW that you cannot forgive infidelity.)...
> 
> ...Exit the marriage. You will both be happier in the long run...


Thanks for sharing your story and for your advise.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

Bluesclues said:


> @endlesstunnel Yikes, your story hit home hard for me. Like made me feel sick to my stomach to be reminded of how I was. I was just like your wife. I had been dominate and my husband was passive, weak. When I found out he cheated it sent me into a rage/shame spiral that I could not navigate out of. We tried to “reconcile” for 18 months, filled with the best sex we ever had, plus me physically and emotionally abusing him when i triggered, which was often. That cycle only ended when I cheated on him with someone “better” and left.
> 
> That was 15 years ago. I also thought that he deserved what he got and anything short of killing him was justified for what he had done. Imagine my surprise going to therapy to deal with the horrible abuse my husband perpetrated on me (cheating is abuse) and finding out my therapist was more concerned about my reactions. Normal people are hurt, angry and some have episodes of DV. But apparently thinking you can emotionally and physically torture your cheating spouse forever is a sign of a personality disorder. Who knew?
> 
> My XH is remarried to a lady he and my kids love. Please don’t stay with your BS out of guilt or fear. There is a better life for all of you on the other side of this.


Thanks for sharing your story, it's good to hear opinion from someone who had a similar situation.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She is t capable of getting past your betrayal. Divorce her. That’s your only choice now - given that she only has you there to abuse you.
This is up to YOU to take the action to divorce her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm going to say something that might set you free. She already had rage before you ever cheated. She was already violent and abusive, and that is rage. And of course rage comes from fear And it often comes from childhood stuff and can't even be resolved. I know you have no leverage because you cheated but she needs to get in anger management for starters. But now her rage about this is overshadowing her original rage.

But no, her rage did not start with you cheating.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

MattMatt said:


> @endlesstunnel You cheated, your wife is an abusive, violent spouse.
> 
> You need to be the better person. How can you be the better person? Check with your solicitor/lawyer to sort out an order of protection against her and file for separation/divorce.
> 
> You will save her from herself because three years of being in a rage is not good for her wellbeing.


Just to be clear, she was being physical only during the first year, at the time I could felt her pain and I was glad she was able to release it. Believe me, I still can recall the first few weeks after Dday, it was much more painful for me to see her crawled up and cried, so I was relieved when she released her pain through rage by hitting me and screaming at me, instead of bottled it up inside.
She did stop being physical after the first year. She was not a violent person before Dday, I caused her to become violent with the pain I inflicted on her so it wasn't not at all her fault for being physical.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> At this point in time it basically is cowardice. You just lack the balls to be a man that has fortitude to do what's right, hence you cheated, and the reason why you are using "guilt" as a cope out to keep in the same situation. The marriage is over, there's nothing to do other than to keep pretending that guilt is keeping you being constantly abused.
> 
> Hasn't it occurred to you that probably the only remote change you have to turn things around with her would be to present her with divorce papers? if being served all it would do is to enrage her more, rather than shock her to reflect and reconsider the marriage, then you have your answer. Why continue to be there being a pathetic coward unable to move, paralyzed in fears? We only have one life to live, so far you wasting it miserably.


I think you're probably right, I really need to digest this.


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## endlesstunnel (6 d ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm going to say something that might send you free. She already had rage before you ever cheated. She was already violent and abusive, and that is rage. And of course rage comes from fear And it often comes from childhood stuff and can't even be resolved. I know you have no leverage because you cheated but she needs to get in anger management for starters. But now her age about this is overshadowing her original rage.
> 
> But no, her rage did not start with you cheating.


My Therapist said something similar, that my wife's actions are abusive behaviours which would need to be addressed, however she squashed it down saying that I just wanted to avoid being reminded of the crime I commit. I believe it's a reason why she refused I/C because all counsellors/therapists would not support her actions of punishment.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why do you both want to waste your lives though, like this? Your wife is obsessed with you, and the past, and you are allowing yourself to be abused. Marriage and love and romance and all of it, doesn't have to be this way.

At this point, you both are missing out on a better quality of life. You're just not healthy for each other.

Maybe you believe that this kind of rage is an expression of love or something. No, it's not an expression of love. It's an unhealthy obsession, and it's destroying her own life, not just yours.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

endlesstunnel said:


> My Therapist said something similar, that my wife's actions are abusive behaviours which would need to be addressed, however she squashed it down saying that I just wanted to avoid being reminded of the crime I commit. I believe it's a reason why she refused I/C because all counsellors/therapists would not support her actions of punishment.


That's why it's never going to resolve.. I mean you're both at fault but she has no intention of working on it. She is very comfortable now having a justification for the rage she's already had some of growing up.


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