# Need Advice



## Lemonlimes (Nov 22, 2021)

Hi,

I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. A few months ago, after we had dinner at my brother’s house one night, my wife told me that my brother sent her a nice text thanking her for coming over for dinner. Knowing my brother as well as I do (he’s never sent me a nice text in my entire life) I immediately thought something was up, but didn’t say anything at the time.

A week or two later, my wife ran in a local marathon and went out with friends and stayed in a hotel that night. When she came home the next day, I saw texts on her phone between my brother and her. In the texts, my brother asked her what bar she was at that night, and my wife replied by telling him where she was. He then said he’d see her soon.

My wife has yet to mention the texts or seeing my brother that night.

Obviously, I’m not pleased with myself for looking at her phone. It’s not something I have ever done, but lately I’ve felt something weird was going on.

I’m curious if any of you think I have enough evidence to suspect something inappropriate has happened between my wife and brother. And if I do, how should I handle it?

Thanks!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Her phone is your phone and your phone is her phone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do not confront until you have solid evidence of wrong doing.
If they are having some sort of affair they will either take it underground or stop it.

Either way, you will never know. 
And that 'forever' becomes that doubting mind screwing.

The _what if's_ will drive you nuts.

Mouth shut, eyes and ears open.
Become that detective.

So far, you only know that they met up secretly behind your back.
Yes, that is a solid red flag.

Keep digging without alarming either one of them.

Did she stay in that hotel room alone, or with a trusted friend or relative?
That is the first question that needs to be found out.

Did your brother also have a room?
If so, did she leave her room and go to his, or did he visit her in her room (if she had the room to herself)?



_Lilith-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you cannot find the answers to those questions, don't panic.

They will meet up again if they are involved with each other.

Be patient.

It is the patient cat that finally catches the wary mouse.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


Don't feel bad for one second about looking at her phone. Nothing like that is off limits to a spouse, both should be an open book. 

Don't immediately confront, you will get nothing but lies if something is going on. You need to be a detective and figure out what is going on. I would start by looking through phone records for any thing unusual. Frequent texts and long calls with your brother would be unusual. Download all messages and anything else you can get from her phone. Again, don't be ashamed of doing this. Why did your wife stay at a hotel if the marathon was local and why weren't you with her? Why didn't you go have drink with her, but apparently your brother did? Is your brother married? Does he have a history of being a cheater?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


It's your call but I would leave a woman over it.

Her behavior is faithlessness regardless of what direction their secret get together took.

The very fact that she did something like that behind your back is a serious betrayal of trust and shows great disrespect for you and your marriage.

Hope you don't have children?

Screen shot the evidence and keep gathering it while you get legal counsel about a divorce.

Do not talk to your wife about what you are doing as she certainly didn't discuss her plans to stab you in the back.

It all depends on how you are wired but decisive actions win.

You might want to review and/or consult @No Longer Lonely Husband about taking action.

His path might not be yours but being decisive and acting prevails.

Your wife is definitely cheating on you at some level but it doesn't matter because she isn't faithful regardless.

You may want this moved to the coping with infidelity thread and, if you are using your picture as an avatar, you should change it to preserve your anonymity.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First go online and review your phone bill. Easy first step.

You can download the data and go from there. Look for amount of texts, calls to his number or any number in case he has a burner phone. Do not tip your hand !

keep posting for more info.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


Cmon man. Get over the privacy BS. Under the circumstances you need to figure this out.
Mouth closed, eyes and ears open. DO NOT CONFRONT!!!!
Hopefully it’s nothing but it’s a huge red flag.


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## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

omg sorry you are here. Sounds bad to me.

You are going to get some good advice over the next 24 hours. Follow it and don't let your emotions cause you to act in haste. Get a nanny cam ASAP and let it record 24/7 wherever you talk about things the most.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


Holy ****! You have a problem of huge magnitude! Your bother needs his ass kicked as does your wife. 
you know damn good and well what is going on. Bust this **** up now and fast!

grab her phone and snoop it. NOW, do not ***** foot around. She is cheating with him.

PM me if you need more advice,


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


First, never feel bad about looking for a truth that you know – or even just feel – is being withheld from you.

Second, yes – this warrants further investigation. There could very well be something going on here.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


I think you need to be over at your brother's house asking what the hell he thinks he's doing chatting your wife up and meeting her at bars. Under these circumstances I don't think you've really done anything wrong and I'm kind of a stickler for privacy, but she did originally bring that to your attention and I think it's fair that you know your brother better than she does and could make some conclusions from that what his motives are so you may need to explain that to her. He sounds like a weasel and I would get all over him right now and if he's married I would tell his wife


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Is your bother married? If so, maybe ask his wife if they went to hang out with your wife at the bar.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you need to be over at your brother's house asking what the hell he thinks he's doing chatting your wife up and meeting her at bars. Under these circumstances I don't think you've really done anything wrong and I'm kind of a stickler for privacy, but she did originally bring that to your attention and I think it's fair that you know your brother better than she does and could make some conclusions from that what his motives are so you may need to explain that to her. He sounds like a weasel and I would get all over him right now and if he's married I would tell his wife


I agree that he needs to confront brother on what he is doing? I’ve read quite a few threads of BHs that the OM was a brother. He needs to take this very serious. 

His wife brought up the initial contact but has not mentioned anything since, including meeting up at bar. Did she invite him back to her room? Was it planned for him to be there? I fear that more is going on than OP thinks. That he was fearful about looking at his wife’s phone, makes me think he is a pushover and that his brother has no respect for him.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I think you should talk to your wife first. And depending on her answers your brother's wife/GF. 

Are either your brother or wife flirty or have they cheated in the past?
Was it just the 3 of you at his house?

Is your brother married? 
What was the occasion for the visit to his place (e.g., a birthday)?

IMO it's critical to know if she knew he planned to join them (i.e., her) prior to her leaving home?
Why? because that makes it a date. And the fact that she was in a group is irrelevant (affairs often start in the context of meeting within a group because it's a perfect cover).

Whether it was planned or not, it's the subsequent secrecy that blocks her from saying: "we're just friends"..."it's harmless"...or "he's not my type or he's your brother" ... or "I knew you'd be upset".

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious/secretive behavior. If your brother joined them, your wife's cover up is a big fail.

Consequently, she forfeits her expectation that you trust her or believe her when she says it's innocent or nothing inappropriate occurred. Therefore, as a result of her secrecy (deceitful behavior) and getting caught, she has to actually prove that nothing inappropriate was said/done by either. 

In addition, another consequence for her deceit is: no more overnights. Why? because she destroyed your trust.

Do not let her brush this off as a minor oversight or by labeling you as jealous.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dear troubled poster.

You are permitted to add to your thread.
Actually, you are encouraged to continue with your worries, thoughts and planned actions.

Writing one post makes us think the crocodiles got to you.
We hate to lose good men.


_Nemesis-_


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Lemonlimes said:


> Hi,
> 
> I wanted to get some ideas/opinions on what I should do about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Here are the details that I know:
> 
> ...


Sounds like we have the same brother. Isn't that just the worst when you can't trust your own family? It is for me. In any case, please nip that in the bud ASAP. Ask your brother why he is texting your wife. DO NOT be ashamed or feel guilty for reading her texts. husband and wife should be able to look freely at each others phone.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

There should be no secrets in marriage. You should have now qualms about checking her phone. Check the phone records, get on her phone, her computer, etc.. Try to dig up as much as you can.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I will second the advice to not confront yet until you have more evidence. If you do a false confrontation without bullet proof evidence, they will both hide evidence and might try to be more secretive, and you'll lose your chance to figure out what really went on.

I would consider a VAR in her car, turn off the beep notifications and put in a cut off head phone jack into the headphone port to be sure it doesn't beep.

Are they on iphone? If so, try checking recently deleted photos, and click on "info" on his contacts in imessenger to look at any photos that have been sent between them (sometimes people don't realize they need to be deleted there also to fully disappear).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nothing wrong with using your wife's phone, both of you should be able to use/look at each other's phones anytime.

Be careful that you're not jumping the gun here - it's _possible_ that your wife didn't tell you about the bar because your brother made a move on her, and she doesn't know how to tell you _because_ it's your brother. She may be trying not to make waves.

It's also possible there is something going on, just throwing another option into the mix.

I'd say something, in a pass the butter tone, like "Hey, how come you didn't tell me you had drinks with <brothers name> after the marathon?". You'll catch her completely off guard, her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Drive by...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You know your brother very well, or think that you do. You will have seen examples of ruthlessness or cold-blooded behaviour where your brother likes to take things from other people. Be it credit for someone else’s work, money for something he didn’t work for, a best buddy’s toy… or not. 

Your brother is showing curiosity, curiosity happens when you’re interested in something.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Lemonlimes said:


> I’m not pleased with myself for looking at her phone. It’s not something I have ever done, but lately I’ve felt something weird was going on.


that's nice guy talk. Do you support her -- do all the things a husband is supposed to do? provide protection, comfort, emotional support, cut the grass, pay for insurance, register the cars, fix leaky toilets, flat tires -- you catching on yet amigo?

All the sht you've done for her over 15 years and now she's bored, and possibly sneaking around. And you want to take the high road. Well, Father O'Malley would be proud of you son. He taught you the right way to defer to woman, make her your queen, and put her up on that pedestal. If that's you, that's your mistake compadre.

She's your wife dude. You have one Big rule which is Don't Fk other guys. That's why you do all the **** you do and have done so for 15 years. imo that's crazy but hey it's what you wanted and how you want to live. 

You've likely been brainwashed by the notions of Chivalry and Romantic Courtly Love. 




Lemonlimes said:


> stayed in a hotel that night. When she came home the next day, I saw texts on her phone between my brother and her.


She cant even find someone w/ a different last name. That's some brother you got there. 

Don't confront. Investigate and obtain proof. Then Kick her curbside if she did this. Your brother can have her and in about a year she'll want to meet up w/ you at a hotel. Why? because it's fun, exciting and thrilling.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

If your brother is married, depending on what evidence you find or your wife's response, be prepared to talk to his wife immediately after talking to your wife. Otherwise your wife will warn him and then he will talk to his wife before you - and discredit you to his wife by labeling you as jealous.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Why did your wife decide to spend the night at a hotel (after a local race)?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

To paraphrase a line form O Brother Where Art Though..,,he has dun R.U.N.O.F.T..he’s runoft!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Love that movie -- "We THOUGHT YOU WAS A TOAD"


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