# How do you know when to draw the line?



## sun78 (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi, I'm 33 and have been married a little over 2 years. We don't have kids. I could seriously use some outsider opinions to see if i'm thinking straight or not. 
In my honest moments, I knew I shouldn't have married him. It didn't feel right ever. I was a nervous wreck the night before the wedding and mostly just completely unsure that i was doing the right thing. But I was 30 then and scared about never being married. 
We have our good moments but my husband is extremely insecure about himself - He is paranoid that I am always taking other people's sides and he constantly feels disrespected for NO reason. There is nothing I can do to make him feel loved or important. He measures my every move to see how important he is to me. We are currently livign in Kenya for my job and since he quit his job to come here, his insecurities are even worse. We just took a vacation with my mother and older brother to trace my mother's roots and he was a jerk the whole time, constantly trying to get the attention and have everyone do what he wants to do or he would pout like a baby and be obviously upset and grumble and roll his eyes..the works. He is so insanely insecure, angry and inmature. My mom can't stand to be around him and my brother thinks he's too sensitive. It's like he doens't even care that he looks rediculous when he acts like that. But, when it's just him and i in our little bubble here in Kenya, he is mr sweetie that wants to cater to my every need. He thinks that that is what i want. But really he is just controling me. He'll do things like ask me what i want him to make me for lunch and if i say, oh, i'm not hungry, he'll pout and get upset. I'm constantly on eggshells. He thinks all our problems are that I dont give him enough effection and I pay more attention to others than him and he has never been my priority. But the more he is who he is, the more I dont want to be affectionate, and i dont feel bonded to him and I dont feel like i want to be his wife. I actually dont feel like i've ever mentally committed to this since i always felt like it's wrong. When i talk to him about getting help with his insecurities, he gets mad that i'm blaming everythign on him. he says he doesn't want to get help. But he has so much junk from growing up that has caused him loads of baggage..i can't even begin to know how to deal with all the abandonment issues he has. Now, i'm 33, and scared to do anything because i fear i will never get married again and wont have children ever. It's paralyzing me. Do I keep trying to make this work for the good times? He is scared of losing me and I'm extremely sad to end this because there are some good times when it's just him and i. But i do not want to throw my life away fighting for this. how do you draw the line? and how do you get through the pain of leaving someone that doesn't want you to go?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Hello there,
I'll say i think i undersrtand you completely. My husband moved to the city we live in for me and that caused a lot of issues for us. I think he's insecure too. He always finds criticism where there's none. I'm also always on eggshells, that he might get upset for the most stupid thing. We also don't have kind after a year of marriage, but he wants to. But i'm not sure what to do. The last few sentences you wrote.... i ask myself the same thing, not finding the answer. I guess i can''t say anything usefull for your ploblems, but i''ll follow your thread .
The only thing that accures to me is whether you love this guy truely? And other thing : it doesn't matter what others think about him, the important thing is to feel good with him. My parents like my husband ,but only i know how is he like at home.


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## sun78 (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks - it's one of the hardest decisions i have been faced with - and it's hard to accept the mistake i made by marrying him. I think what scares me the most is divorcing and how long it may take to find someone new and then getting older and not being able to have a child. It's really frightening for me. I wish someone could just tell me that i'll be okay and I can still have everything that i want in life. I know what you mean about him being two people. Most people that know him think he's this funny happy go lucky guy. But only those that are around him enough or he feels competition for my attention, have seen the real him. Crazy.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

May be i'm not allow to say this but still...It's more possible to have children even sooner if you devorce him, than to wait for him to change, so that you will feel ready. That's only if what's stopping you is the fear that you won't have kids. If you love him stay , if you don't then you know ....
I've read some articles about "considering devorce" ,may be you should read something like that. It helped me clear my head.
I'll say everything's going to be fine! God loves the brave ones!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you'd rather stay with him when it's clear you aren't that into him beause you fear never meeting someone else and having babies? Am I reading this right?

So it's better to put up a facade and manipulate him into thinking you are happy being married just to fill your own needs (not being alone, possibly never having children)? 

Um. What? 

Do this man a favor--if you are certain you are unhappy with him, cut him loose. You are wasting his time and your time. I can't imagine anything more cruel than pretending to be happy and married to someone when you don't even feel that way about them. It's possibly the coldest thing you could do to someone. Especially if they believe you actually love them.

Divorce him if you are so unhappy. 

Note that doesn't guarantee meeting someone or having children. Also, it doesn't mean you won't ever meet someone again. It's highly likely you will.

Evenstill, don't drag this out for YOUR benefit. That is twisted.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

sun78 said:


> Thanks - it's one of the hardest decisions i have been faced with - and it's hard to accept the mistake i made by marrying him. I think what scares me the most is divorcing and how long it may take to find someone new and then getting older and not being able to have a child. It's really frightening for me. *I wish someone could just tell me that i'll be okay and I can still have everything that i want in life.* I know what you mean about him being two people. Most people that know him think he's this funny happy go lucky guy. But only those that are around him enough or he feels competition for my attention, have seen the real him. Crazy.


You'll be okay and you can still have everything you want in life.

Feel better now?? If you stay because you are worried about never marrying again and having a child, then you're being extremely selfish and cruel to your husband. I understand the frustration you have with him, but you know what? You married him. You know you made a mistake in doing so from the beginning. 

If you don't want to be married to him anymore, then be a big girl and take care of your business.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I always tell people, when they are faced with BIG decisions in life, (even smaller ones!) .... to always look for that inner "*PEACE*", if you have NO PEACE, if you are unsettled, questioning, restless, DON'T DO IT, GET OUT OF IT, or at the very least, don't do it NOW, but wait, get things FIXED first, wait for the Peace, the assurance your whole heart is into something. I feel this is God speaking to our conscionce when we are seeking. It has saved ME many of times in my life, with men, houses, friendships, financial descions. Never Good to rush. 

Look within...read what you said :



> In my honest moments, I knew I shouldn't have married him. It didn't feel right ever. I was a nervous wreck the night before the wedding and mostly just completely unsure that i was doing the right thing. But I was 30 then and scared about never being married


 You KNOW you stepped too soon, it was not about LOVE, it was about FEAR you will not find Mr. Right. 

BUt now you ARE where you are. At least with no children , it will make it easier to leave , not look back, and move on with your life, look for someone more compatiable, not many have this option, it gets MESSY with kids! 

Also it is so NOT FAIR to him, everyone needs to be loved and wanted, to be someone's #1. He likely feels your disdain for him and this further is causing more insecurities, Love & acceptance has a way of washing some of this away. 

Either LET him Go --so he can move on also, or you & him need Counseling, he needs to work on his abandonment issues, but if you have so little in common and can't see yourself with a "Healthy minded " version of him- even with the quirks, you need to say Good bye.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Don't have children with him... anything that seems hard now will feel impossible and thenyou will be trapped with him in one way or another forever. You can always have a child, even on your own.


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## sun78 (Sep 15, 2011)

I appreciate everyone's honest opinions. My big questions is how long do i try to make things better until deciding to leave. How does one set an arbitrary date. If he wont get counseling then do i draw the line there? Seems like the right answer...someone that is not willing to get outside help or admit to having issues is not really committed either right?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

If he doen't want help and you think you've tried everything you can come up with, then may be the answer is yes- that's where you draw the line, just my opinion. Eventhough: My husband doesn't want help either i still don't have the courage to end it.
Now i've been thinking of moving to live in his home town. I wonder if that's going to help him feel less insecure....?!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

sun78 said:


> I appreciate everyone's honest opinions. My big questions is how long do i try to make things better until deciding to leave. How does one set an arbitrary date. If he wont get counseling then do i draw the line there? Seems like the right answer...someone that is not willing to get outside help or admit to having issues is not really committed either right?


So you're asking how long you should fake it before actually walking out? Haven't you already been doing that?

And what would going to counseling do? You aren't interested in him anymore. 

The question is do you want to stay marrried to him or not? When you have that answer then you can move forward with a plan of action.


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

You speak of _HIS_ insecurities and paranoia, but what you have done is transferred your feelings about yourself onto your husband. You're insecure about being alone. You're afraid to end this miserable situation because of how long it might take you to find someone else.

The first mistake you made is that you were not ready to be a wife. You want to continue living your life as though you are single. Second mistake was that you did not marry a man. You purposely married a boy because you thought you could more easily control him. A man would not have followed after you when you moved away for your job. Your job is to be with your husband and to be a wife to him.

You did not want a man you wanted a puppy. Now you have tired with the puppy because he relieves himself on the carpet, whines and chews on things when he is not getting the attention he needs or wants.

One of two things will happen now, you will either trade this puppy for another puppy or you will move to the opposite extreme and marry a bully. Neither of which is a real man.

And this is the problem with many women today, they do not know what a real man is. This is because society isn't making men today but rather dysfunctional full grown boys. This is a result of the 1960's radical feminism movement.

So many women today suffer from alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, std's, and can't maintain a successful relationship. We know that the root cause of all this misery is men, so why do women continue to seek relationships with them? If you want to be happy and healthy, stay away from males.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> So you're asking how long you should fake it before actually walking out? Haven't you already been doing that?
> 
> And what would going to counseling do? You aren't interested in him anymore.
> 
> The question is do you want to stay marrried to him or not? When you have that answer then you can move forward with a plan of action.


That is exactly how I am reading it. Go to counselling for what? She doesn't sound like she loves him at all and is only staying because she fears being single and/or not having children. That is weak, IMO. 

Sun, if you are done, don't string him along any further. It is seriously heinous to do that to someone. Especially if they think your marriage is the real thing. It's cheap.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I respectfully disagree with this:



Just Dave said:


> A man would not have followed after you when you moved away for your job. Your job is to be with your husband and to be a wife to him.


Why can't a man move with his lady? Does that make him less of a man? Likewise, it's a "Man's job" to be with his wife and be a husband to her. That is quite a double standard you mention. 



Just Dave said:


> And this is the problem with many women today, they do not know what a real man is. This is because society isn't making men today but rather dysfunctional full grown boys. This is a result of the 1960's radical feminism movement.
> 
> So many women today suffer from alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, std's, and can't maintain a successful relationship. We know that the root cause of all this misery is men, so why do women continue to seek relationships with them? If you want to be happy and healthy, stay away from males.


Um, what? 

Anyway my position is the same regarding the OP: You don't love him. Let him go. Stay single for awhile.


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