# Just when you think you are making progress...



## dtparamour (May 7, 2011)

First I want to say thank you to all who post here, you have given so many words of encouragement and validity. I have been lurking since my D-Day of April 5th. I guess I haven’t posted because as we all know, everyone’s story is so similar. Kinda sickening and pathetic how these things play out so textbook, in that even though we would all like to think we are unique individuals, the human psyche is pretty much the same across the board. Thus, I got so much help vicariously through other poster’s stories and problems. But alas, I feel the need to reach out, tell my story, if only for the cathartic side.
My H and I have been married 13 years this coming December, we have 2 children, 12 & 9. I own my own business and work wayyyy too many hours, but truly enjoy my work. I have owned my biz since before I met my H. He is 10 years younger than myself. Like most marriages we definitely had our problems, but we either got through them one at a time, or as in the last couple of years, I kept hoping that once he got through school, got a job etc, everything would work out, or at least then we could start working on us again. We had become more like roommates (who didn’t like each other very much) over the last 6 months previous to D-day. The huge warning bells started clanging for me in January when my mother was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia and immediately put into hospice. We had 3 wonderful weeks with my mom, but it was during this time that his behavior had become so erratic and strange. Side note, my husband quit drinking, smoking and went back to the church about 7 years previous, but he had started drinking again last year, I thought just mild drinking. He is also on adderal and other RX drugs for ADD and depression. After my mother’s death I confronted him about his behavior and my fear that it was directly related to the abuse of alcohol and RX drugs. Of course his response was nasty, accusatory and completely dismissed my concerns. I reached out to one of his church friends, I was feeling very desperate, something was terribly wrong! BOY, was I right, I just had no idea at that point HOW wrong! It was at the end of March that I heard a rumor through his work crowd that he was having an affair with a volunteer at his work. At that exact moment, I think my mind went blank. Literally ignored that for a couple of days, but I guess I woke up, and the investigative work began. Within 10 days I found all of the phone records indicating the 5 months of thousands of phone calls and texts, including use of Google Voice (disgusting, since if you google that term, a website comes up for “How to cheat using Google Voice”), and then ultimately finding his car parked in alley side street of OW house. I confronted him that night, he broke off the affair over the phone, with me listening to every word. He committed to me that he loved me and wanted to repair our marriage. 
And so the work began. I’m leaving out all of the stories of the pain, betrayal and complete disassociation with my former self, we all know, been there done it!
I started IC within 2 weeks, and we started MC (including intensive for 2 straight days) within 3 weeks. It was in the second MC session that the shoe I had been waiting on, DROPPED. His alcohol use had become a huge factor, flasks taken to work, etc. He had had another PA in year 3 of our marriage that lasted about a year, no real emotional attachment on that one. But definitely emotionally attached to the current OW. And during the first few weeks I found out about an EA between a high school friend. Then this… addicted to porn and has been since he was very young. CLUELESS!!!! How in the world could I have missed this? I’m an intelligent, savvy woman, WTH? 
Okay then fine, we have A LOT to work on. He meets with his pastor once weekly and I get reports from pastor on his accountability. I think everything is going along relatively well, yes he’s had a few drinks, he told me in the first week after these new discoveries that he had only been to porn sites twice. That was 4 weeks ago. Then last night, I’m digging in the phone and IPad , and BAM, porn usage out the wazoo literally 30 minutes after we had morning lovemaking. Seriously? I told him to “Get help and quit the porn, or quit me and our family. I cannot compete with that, and I will no longer try. There will be no more sharing of my body and love with you until you deal with this.” He met with 2 church buddies after this and asked them to be his accountability partners, and he was then caught with a huge new bottle of vodka. 
Just when you think you are getting somewhere, the pain and betrayal slams you against a new wall.
Now, he has lied on 2 of his 3 accountability issues, lied about the alcohol for weeks, lied about the porn for weeks, so what is to say he is not lying about communication with OW or someone new.
Man, I’m tired.
Thanks for letting me vent.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Sorry you're here and for your pain... a tough road, indeed.
How about checking him in somewhere for real professional help?


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## dtparamour (May 7, 2011)

We had discussed this with pastor in the beginning, since he had beat it on his own cold turkey the first time 6 years ago, thought he could do it again. I'm relatively sure that is where we are headed.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

it's amazing how little we know each other!


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## Michelle S. (Apr 1, 2011)

I am praying for you both. Alcohol and por addictions are two of the toughest problems to treat. Certainly having an addictions specialist and checking him into a rehab would be very helpful. For you I would try A-Non which is a support group for family members of alcoholics. Best of luck to the both of you.


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## dtparamour (May 7, 2011)

Michelle S. said:


> I am praying for you both. Alcohol and por addictions are two of the toughest problems to treat. Certainly having an addictions specialist and checking him into a rehab would be very helpful. For you I would try A-Non which is a support group for family members of alcoholics. Best of luck to the both of you.


Prayers appreciated. I'm struggling with the same feelings
I had in first weeks. Betrayal & pain that i thought I was getting
A handle on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

dtparamour said:


> Prayers appreciated. I'm struggling with the same feelings
> I had in first weeks. Betrayal & pain that i thought I was getting
> A handle on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not an alcolhol expert but I used to be a porn addict. It is possible to beat it. Just like any other habit or addiction once you've broken the cycle for awhile you don't really feel the need anymore. However, only he and God can do it. It is HARD to conquer. He has to find a good enough reason to HATE doing it. Whether its the thought of losing you, finding God, whatever works for him. I nearly lost my wife 4 or 5 times before I found my inner motivation. The last time I could tell what it was doing to her and how close I was to losing her. That was almost a year ago and I haven't looked back. Sadly, I lost her anyway. The damage had already been done and the promise of quitting it had been broken too many times previously. She left me 3.5 months ago. All the reasons she left me for (communication issues, respect, feeling not good enought) were long term effects of pornography. She is too scared of being hurt again to even try. She has given up and is feeling free and alive again on her own.

Whatever you do, don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you. A porn addict could be married to Miss America and would still want to look at porn. Help him however you can. But just having sex more often won't do it. He truly needs to find a reason to hate what he's doing. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dtparamour (May 7, 2011)

Thnx Broken1, I hear you, my brain can compute that it's not about me, but heart is the hard one to convince. It's just been one revelation after another. Installing Xwatch tomorrow on his computers & phones/iPads . That is my way of helping, past that, I'm pretty darned drained.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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