# New Here



## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

Hello All- found this page because I am having trust issues and will be looking for advice..

My wife has been texting calling this guy and she calls it flirting- someone she worked with on a project. I found out about it and confronted her and she said she will stop. She has a work phone and can easily be still texting up and I guess the question to yall is if this has happened to you how do you continue to trust your spouse again. She said nothing happened..


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mikey,

It's already an EA, emotional affair, and may have been or still is a PA, physical affair. 

Work affairs can be the most well hidden since they have an excuse to be together and the work buildings are often secured.

Don't confront yet, work on your surveillance if she knows you are on to her she will take it further underground.

Did you sex life increase or decrease or become more or less intense?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The fact that she called it, labeled it mere 'flirting' and felt no shame is for all, eye-opening, for you, heart stabbing.

.....................................................................................................

Remember this...

Had you not caught this, it would have continued, and likely would have escalated.
-or-
Maybe it has, maybe this is just the ugly tip of your wife's sin and your 'sunken cost dream'.

Her deliberately flirting with a man is saying that I am 'open' to your' entreats.

.....................................................................................................

How did the other man respond to her flirting?

Was he complicit?
Was he party to it?

If not, yet, than she is the aggressor. 

This is worse and farther from good.






[THM]- Lilith McGarvey


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Mikey Sir,

Man up. You need to tell her this is unacceptable. She is in an EA and very likely a PA. First and foremost a married women should not be flirting with a coworker. Hell no. So she says nothing happened. Cheaters lie. Commit that to memory. Having a work phone makes it difficult for you to monitor her activity. Here is what this old jarhead recommends:

1) You tell wife three people in the marriage is too many. She either cuts the flirting out our you’re done.

2) You pay a visit to the coworker and tell him you do not appreciate the texting that has gone on and if there is any more such communication you will be dealing with me.

3) What is the company policy on fraternization between employees? Bet they have a code of conduct. Highly probable this flirting violates company policy. See if you can find their personnel manual.

If your sex life has dropped off, there is a reason. That being she does not want to “cheat” on other man. You need to be vigilant and consider placing a VAR in her car and around the house in the room she spends the most time in. I have a hunch you are going to find out there is way more going on than you know. Let’s say iceberg....10% you see....90% you don’t.


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

Sex life was the same but recently increased after I found out. What kills me is not only the trust but the lack of transparency. I have asked to see her phone yet she still doesnt want to share which tells me she is still hiding things..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

mikey1 said:


> Hello All- found this page because I am having trust issues and will be looking for advice..
> 
> My wife has been texting calling this guy and she calls it flirting- someone she worked with on a project. I found out about it and confronted her and she said she will stop. She has a work phone and can easily be still texting up and I guess the question to yall is if this has happened to you how do you continue to trust your spouse again. *She said nothing happened*.


If this is nothing, I would, oh' so fear, 'detest' that what she would consider something.

If no touching, no words of love have been exchanged, have 'happened', then I suppose there is hope.

This is what you need to uncover. 

Commonly admonished as "Eyes open, mouth shut".

*Do not save her from herself.
Find out who she really is.*

You are not her daddy, it is not your job to keep a grown women 'in line'. 

No.

Be the ever-clever detective. 

Read the other CWI threads on TAM. 

At the top of the screen, go to _Forums_, then to _Focused Topics_ then to _Coping with Infidelity._

See what you need to do to monitor her and re-evaluate this person you gave vows to.

We wish you luck...





{THM]- TheHeadMates


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

your right had I not caught it it would have continued. but still could be. I can see who she calls and text on her regular cell phone but not her work phone. Don't know much about the other guy other then what she told me- that he was flirting back. but have not seen a text or call from him so I can only assume she told him not to use her cell phone..



SunCMars said:


> The fact that she called it, labeled it mere 'flirting' and felt no shame is for all, eye-opening, for you, heart stabbing.
> 
> .....................................................................................................
> 
> ...


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

So how did you find out and what did you see?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One good thing.....
Maybe.

She has been put on notice. 
She now knows you are aware of 'this' relationship.


If she ceases this crap, then all is, uh, better.

Poop happens, I hope she can wipe her butt clean of this fellow coworker.

........................................................................................................

On her hiding her phone...
Start the detective work.

No more confrontations, keep cool and silently monitor her and all her devices. 

Play dumb and confident.

If you do not, and she is still fooling around, she will become that ground hog. 
The one that goes underground, secretly seeking and finding the tree's warm tap root.

Just Sayin'





[THM]- The Typist I


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

That's where it gets interesting and I dont know what to think about it. My wife said she was going out to dinner with friends- red robin. I was like ok. She was gone from 5pm to 12pm. I know she was with a friend because I called when it was getting late and her friend answered her phone. this was last wednesday. On friday I was paying amex and didnt see a charge for that night from anywhere so I knew something was didnt add up. 

I pulled out her ipad and charged it up and checked her browser history and saw that she was looking up this swingers club and setting up a login and did a google search on this guy names matt. I had no clue that any of this was going on. So I called her while she was at work to confront her and she told me she met this matt guy at the swingers club a few months ago and they met twice only at the club. 

I am numb at this point and not sure their is even a point to continue the relationship and still not sure. All of this was going on while we were buying and moving into a new house too. So then Sunday night rolls around and around 11pm she wakes me up and tells me matt is actually a contractor they use on projects and they have been texting/talking for 3 months and nothing has happened. 

So hear I am having to work on monday and numb again. not sure what to do or how to react. She lied so easy the first time whose to say she it's lying again or what else she is leaving out. 



Tasorundo said:


> So how did you find out and what did you see?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Vero, est consummatum.

Et nos ludificati sunt.

??


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

english?



SunCMars said:


> Vero, est consummatum.
> 
> Et nos ludificati sunt.
> 
> ??


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Holy crap man. She's just doing whatever she wants to at this point. Unless there are SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES she's just going to keep on doing it too. Like kicking her out of the house until she agrees to a few new rules. Draw your line in the sand!!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Do you and your wife go to swingers clubs?

If my wife told me she met someone at a swingers club that would be the biggest WTF ever heard.


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

we dont but have a friend that does...its more about she said one story and then changed it because she wanted to tell me the truth. why is telling your spouse the truth that hard..


Tasorundo said:


> Do you and your wife go to swingers clubs?
> 
> If my wife told me she met someone at a swingers club that would be the biggest WTF ever heard.


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

One would think after 10 years of marriage you wouldn't need to even have that conversation but I agree. I have to give her a chance to be transparent about her phone before I go all rouge. But then part of me is if tonight she doesnt let me see her phone then why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to be open? Why even go rouge and detective and do all this work just to find out if something is there or not. If you can have trust then what is the point?



Cat Lady said:


> Holy crap man. She's just doing whatever she wants to at this point. Unless there are SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES she's just going to keep on doing it too. Like kicking her out of the house until she agrees to a few new rules. Draw your line in the sand!!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

What kind of truth are you covering up if the lie is that you met some guy at a sex club 2x without your spouse knowing?

That is the most insane attempt at a coverup every. It's like saying "Honey, it isn't anything serious, she is just a prostitute I met at a bar a few times".


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

supposedly the truth is she met the guy on a project at work but I assumed when I made the acquisition that she met the guy at the sex club and she ran with it. but who knows what is the truth anymore. 



Tasorundo said:


> What kind of truth are you covering up if the lie is that you met some guy at a sex club 2x without your spouse knowing?
> 
> That is the most insane attempt at a coverup every. It's like saying "Honey, it isn't anything serious, she is just a prostitute I met at a bar a few times".


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

My mind boggles ?!?!?!?!?

A swinger club that your friends go to? What, are you able to go just to see what's going on ? Feed the animals maybe ?

A swingers club is not a place to just visit and maybe have a few drinks ? You go there to swing! You even referred to it as a sex club.

So that's the first question? Do you guys regularly visit your friends swinger club without swinging?
If not, WTF?!?!?

Next ...

A combination of these two phrases is lethal: "it was just flirting" and "nothing happened" especially if said separately in any conversation (as opposed to "it was just flirting and nothing happened"). So you can take it to the bank that "something most certainly did happen". Unfortunately, she now knows that you are suspicious and will take it underground.

Third ...

The lying about where she was and who the guy was is as good an admission of guilt as any. As others have said workplace affairs are the hardest to find. The fact that she did not want to say he was a co-worker and came up with "I met him at the sex club" as an alibi tells me volumes.

And finally ...

The refusal to (a) let you see her phone or workphone; and (b) refusal to tell this POS to f**k off is the final nail in this coffin.

You need to get extra stealthy - VARs, following her (or PI), the works. You need to get proof and dump her sorry @$$.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Can you track her by cell phone? Have you considered placing a GPS on her vehicle? I think deep down you realize she is fooling around.
5-12 at Red Robin......not likely. She was probably visiting the swingers club. You need to get the goods on her and bust her chops.


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

we have friends who go to the club and my wife went twice and didnt tell me. we dont reg go at all. nor was i invited. 

she did say it was just flirting and nothing happened at the same time. I agree the refusal to the see phone is a big nail in the coffin. 


So get this we saw a therapist yesterday and he said looking at each others phones or asking is unhealthy!!!! 

At the end of the day she is not normally like this that I know of but with out full transparency how can one be trusted after this. So I will ask her to show me her phone tonight and see what happens.. 



manfromlamancha said:


> My mind boggles ?!?!?!?!?
> 
> A swinger club that your friends go to? What, are you able to go just to see what's going on ? Feed the animals maybe ?
> 
> ...


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

She shared her location on her iphone with me so yes now I can see where she is going and she knows that I can see it.. Or at least she knows I know where her phone is...



No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Can you track her by cell phone? Have you considered placing a GPS on her vehicle? I think deep down you realize she is fooling around.
> 5-12 at Red Robin......not likely. She was probably visiting the swingers club. You need to get the goods on her and bust her chops.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mikey1 said:


> One would think after 10 years of marriage you wouldn't need to even have that conversation but I agree. I have to give her a chance to be transparent about her phone before I go all rouge. *But then part of me is if tonight she doesnt let me see her phone then why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to be open? *Why even go rouge and detective and do all this work just to find out if something is there or not. If you can have trust then what is the point?


This. Ask her one more time. If she refuses, then you have your answer. Tell her the marriage is done and that she needs to find someplace else to stay. (she leaves the bedroom, at MINIMUM) You have to be serious about this though, you cant bluff or you are toast. A divorce can always be stopped if things are turning around. (if thats what you want) 

Currently as it stands, she is trickle truthing you. She is letting you know about these men, but then stating that nothing happens, because she thinks that, one... this is her telling you the "truth" but in a less brutal way so she feels like less of the bad guy, and/or two... she thinks this will placate you into acceptance that this is all that has happened and you will be dumb and happy and she goes on with her cheating. You know good and well that its NOT all thats happened... what she HAS revealed is more than enough to end this over, in all seriousness. Honestly I dont think I have seen a cheating spouse take this approach... revealing her men on purpose like she has. She is playing you for the world's biggest dumb-ass, dont let her do that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mikey1 said:


> She shared her location on her iphone with me so yes now I can see where she is going and she knows that I can see it.. Or at least she knows I know where her phone is...


Are you familiar with what a burner phone is?


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

your right



3Xnocharm said:


> This. Ask her one more time. If she refuses, then you have your answer. Tell her the marriage is done and that she needs to find someplace else to stay. (she leaves the bedroom, at MINIMUM) You have to be serious about this though, you cant bluff or you are toast. A divorce can always be stopped if things are turning around. (if thats what you want)
> 
> Currently as it stands, she is trickle truthing you. She is letting you know about these men, but then stating that nothing happens, because she thinks that, one... this is her telling you the "truth" but in a less brutal way so she feels like less of the bad guy, and/or two... she thinks this will placate you into acceptance that this is all that has happened and you will be dumb and happy and she goes on with her cheating. You know good and well that its NOT all thats happened... what she HAS revealed is more than enough to end this over, in all seriousness. Honestly I dont think I have seen a cheating spouse take this approach... revealing her men on purpose like she has. She is playing you for the world's biggest dumb-ass, dont let her do that.


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## mikey1 (May 23, 2019)

yes and she has a work phone so could leave one phone somewhere and take the other...



3Xnocharm said:


> Are you familiar with what a burner phone is?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If they are meeting up it's a sexual affair.

Cheaters lie a lot.

Right now you are living in infidelity and lack of any action means you accept it. At least that how your wife will interpret it.

Sorry she's put you in this place.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So my understanding is that females can go to a swingers club alone but a male must bring a date. Is that correct? Is she saying she went with your friends, the other man, by herself ? Is she saying she went to a swingers club but didn’t swing? Why did she say she went? This when she was out until midnight? 

Do you have kids? What kind of shape are the two of you in? What does s her profession?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

mikey1 said:


> supposedly the truth is she met the guy on a project at work but I assumed when I made the acquisition that she met the guy at the sex club *and she ran with it*. but who knows what is the truth anymore.


Why did she just run with it ? Did she say why ?

Also did you not ask why she went to the sex/swingers club? What was her reason for going there ? Three times now (twice before and this time ?) What did she say she did there ? Does this fact on its own not boggle your mind ? Then add on to it all the other stuff and lying about the POS.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What more do you really need to know ?????

It's already so obvious.

Sex clubs, lies, "flirt from work"

I mean ..... come on dude.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if she say nothing happen have her prove it with a polygraph, tell her that she has demonstrated that she has lied to you over and over so now it time to find out. Tell her if she is not being completely honest with you you will divorce her.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> if she say nothing happen have her prove it with a polygraph, tell her that she has demonstrated that she has lied to you over and over so now it time to find out. Tell her if she is not being completely honest with you you will divorce her.


Unless they started a new bible study program at the sex club I doubt there is even any need for the polygraph.

She is an outright lying cheating skank. 

Who wants to be married to that?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

mikey1 said:


> I pulled out her ipad and charged it up and checked her browser history and saw that she was looking up this swingers club and setting up a login and did a google search on this guy names matt. I had no clue that any of this was going on. So I called her while she was at work to confront her and she told me she met this matt guy at the swingers club a few months ago and they met twice only at the club.


So, have YOU agreed about going to a swingers club (were you there with her at the club a "few months ago"?
If NOT, WTF is SHE doing at a swingers club without you (and she obviously was last night instead of being at red robin.

IF you did agree with swinging, then what she is doing is STILL outside the bounds of that (from what I've read -- i don't know I would never be into that lifestyle). 
Cheating is cheating.

You may want to put a VAR in her car and at places in the house she would talk on the phone......

Doesn't sound good at all.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mikey1 said:


> supposedly the truth is she met the guy on a project at work but I assumed when I made the acquisition that she met the guy at the sex club and she ran with it. but who knows what is the truth anymore.


They are already having sex!
Wake up brother!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

mikey1 said:


> we have friends who go to the club and my wife went twice and didnt tell me. we dont reg go at all. nor was i invited.
> 
> she did say it was just flirting and nothing happened at the same time. I agree the refusal to the see phone is a big nail in the coffin.
> 
> ...


First your therapist is crap. Second, The fact that she went to a swingers club without you and hid it is grounds for divorce in my opinion. That is WAY past any sort of reasonable behavior for a wife (or husband) to be doing. PERIOD.

She said is was only flirting and nothing happend -- GOING TO A SWINGERS CLUB happened. End of story.

I would get to a lawyer, make sure you protect your finances (and get a good custody plan in place if you have any kids).


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Mikey1, I know a real estate salesman. He has some nice beach front property in Arizona he'll sell you cheap.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

It just amazes me how many BHs Come on here and just don’t have a clue I mean wow.!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Denial fueled by ego investment. It's hard to come to the conclusion of truth when you don't want to believe it. Every excuse is a blockade to admit that you were wrong and your reality
is not what it seems. Denial is strong ...... very strong. That is why it is so obvious to everyone but him.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sparta said:


> It just amazes me how many BHs Come on here and just don’t have a clue I mean wow.!


Its not just Brits Sparta. It is pervasive everywhere


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Obviously she went to the sex club the night she said she went to Red Robin with a friend. She left her phone with that friend so if you called, the friend could answer and tell you all was OK. Sneaky. Also if you are tracking that phone it will not show where she really is because she will dump it with a friend when she wants to go to the club again.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Obviously she went to the sex club the night she said she went to Red Robin with a friend. She left her phone with that friend so if you called, the friend could answer and tell you all was OK. Sneaky. Also if you are tracking that phone it will not show where she really is because she will dump it with a friend when she wants to go to the club again.


BINGO^

@mikey1 ,
Are you OK with what you already know, because that's just a sliver of the truth and it's already more than most would accept?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

They do not call them "swingers" and "sex" clubs because everyone sits around and has conversations about the weather.

She has gone at least twice now that she admits to. Something definitely happened both times.

She probably invited the guy to attend with her. There is no doubt what she intended to do.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Get a clue my friend. A lot is going on you don't know about. If I were in your shoes, and being the person I am, I would, tonight, dress very nicely and tell my wife I was going out. When she ask where, I would tell her I was going to go check out the swinger's club that she has such an interest in. If she insist on going with you tell her you wish to go alone like she did. Also check out this guy she has been talking with. If you must, ask him face to face. Ask your wife's friend why she was answering your wife's phone while she was out. If her answer sounds like bulls**t then tell her it sounds like bulls**t. Do something unexpected. Don't just ask questions and take her answers as gospel. Someone may check out a swinger's club, one time, out of curiosity. If they go back again, it's not for curiosity. It's because they found something they liked. It appears you may be headed for, or already in, an open marriage. You just don't know about it yet. Unless you hire a PI, you are going to have to find out the answers for yourself and you are not going to get those answers by sitting at home and asking her questions that she is only going to answer to appease you and keep you in a neutral zone where she can control what is happening. Put on your big boy boots and go find out the answers to your questions. I do wish you well.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Sparta said:


> It just amazes me how many BHs Come on here and just don’t have a clue I mean wow.!


He didn't come here for your 'amazement' or amusement. You're amazed because you live on this side of a _jaded_ reality now, _much like me_.

*But* most men spend more time at work providing for their wife and kids than they actually spend with the wife and kids, so they miss the signs; and if he's like most of us, he thought his marriage was a safe haven to begin with and felt no reason to cast a wary or suspicious eye at his spouse. 

*It takes time for the eyes to adjust to these ****ed up situations*.

Bruh, your only way through this mess is getting out of this mess. Very sorry.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Mike, I'm sorry but your wife has been having sex with another man at a swinger's club, and giving her phone to a friend to handle calls while she does the deed.

Your therapist is an idiot for enabling her behavior. 

File for divorce asap and have her served at work. Gently trying to convince her to stop the affair will not work. Divorce is a wake up call. If she can get her act together, come clean, and do the necessary work to save the marriage, the divorce can be stopped at any point.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> They do not call them "swingers" and "sex" clubs because everyone sits around and has conversations about the weather.
> 
> She has gone at least twice now that she admits to. Something definitely happened both times.
> 
> She probably invited the guy to attend with her. There is no doubt what she intended to do.


Wait ..... you mean to tell me there isn't a bible study program after all ????
@Diana7 ...... your missing an opportunity to spread the word !!!!!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude you married a women who goes to swingers clubs with other men. She has less regard for you then a dog. If she was a car she would be a lemon. It's a total loss. File for divorce and get the hell away from her a soon as possible. What could possibly be good by spending another ounce of energy on such a person.

Really there are some people they are really only good for having affairs with and taking to swingers clubs until you get tired of them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sparta said:


> It just amazes me how many BHs Come on here and just don’t have a clue I mean wow.!


It almost doesn't seem real does it?:scratchhead:


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## CDR No Longer Lost (Apr 28, 2019)

Your wife meets a man at a swingers club and your questions here on this forum are exactly what, Sir? You need to get away from your lying cheating WW as fast as you can. Expose everything, blow up her world and file for D. You can certainly do better than a wife who goes to a swingers club with another man. And I'd say it's highly likely she has had sex with more than just the man she met, probably quite a few others and it's more than possible with more than one man simultaneously. MMF, MMMF, gangbangs, etc. That's a primary purpose of a "swingers" club.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

mikey1 said:


> Sex life was the same but recently increased after I found out.


This is a huge red flag. You busted her and she used sex as currency to assuage your suspicions. Once she's satisfied that you're back to being blissfully ignorant then the sex will dry up again.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Tasorundo said:


> Do you and your wife go to swingers clubs?
> 
> If my wife told me she met someone at a swingers club that would be the biggest WTF ever heard.


If my wife stepped foot into a swingers club I'd divorce her as fast as the law will allow.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

mikey1 said:


> we dont but have a friend that does...its more about she said one story and then changed it because she wanted to tell me the truth. why is telling your spouse the truth that hard..


Because what she did is a marriage breaker and she's afraid you'll divorce her. Is she right?

People don't go to swinger's clubs to watch tv and eat popcorn. They go there to have sex. I assume that people go to those clubs to have sex with multiple people and would assume that's what your wife has been doing. She is also having a relationship with the man she has been texting. She already told you he was at the club, so you can assume that she has been having sex with him too.

This is difficult to wrap your head around, but for your own personal safety you need to recognize these facts and act on them. With the kind of activities that your wife has been involved in, she could have STDs now. I recommend you stop having sex with her, wait a week, and get tested for STDs. If you have an STD and you wait a week, the test is more likely to find it. You can go to a walk in clinic for the testing.

Also, see an attorney.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

SHE WENT TO A SWINGERS CLUB????

Sorry to be blunt, but don’t walk, RUN!!!


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

He doesnt like what he hears. So,he is gone. So sad...


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