# I want it all.



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I love a man very much, however we have had our troubles like everyone else. He has a lil girl by another woman. I have no kids. He always seems stressed about his financial means, because he has to pay ridiculous amount of child support and works very long hours and I am just thinking about the future. My question is whenyou love someone how much do you put up with? We are engaged not married. He works a lot and I am home a lone alot. I recently lost my job and I am home all the time by myself when he does get time off we have his little girl. I love her to death but its like we never get any time to ourselves. She is only 15 mnths and demands a lot of attention. The ex girlfriend doesnt seem to do a good job discipling her and she doesnt listen well. I get really stressed out because I feel like there is nothing in the relationship for me. That may sound selfish. However I love him a lot, but wonder if I would be better off alone? He has also called me bad names when drinking and loses his temper with me often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I dont know what to tell you but Im in the same situation, except he has 3 kids. You dont sound super happy though. Maybe if you guys had a kid of your own you'd feel more included. I have been with him for 8 years, Im now 35 and childless. We never married becuase Im too unhappy with all our problems. Im so lost and depressed and I dont know where to turn. I feel so bad being with him and feeling this way but I have no where else to live and I cant handle the breakup but I cant handle being in this life either.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Both of you need to stop treating yourselves like crap. It's like your both saying "oh you've got some crap, wipe it on me" Do not put up with men who abuse you verbally or otherwise. The drink is just an excuse. Plenty of men drink and do not abuse their partners. 

OP you are a convenient babysitter for the 15 month old. Do not have kids with this man. 

You can either work on your issues by discussing what they are and then a plan of action. Give yourselves a time line. If things don't improve by X then get out. Life is to short to be miserable.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> I dont know what to tell you but Im in the same situation, except he has 3 kids. You dont sound super happy though. Maybe if you guys had a kid of your own you'd feel more included. I have been with him for 8 years, Im now 35 and childless. We never married becuase Im too unhappy with all our problems. Im so lost and depressed and I dont know where to turn. I feel so bad being with him and feeling this way but I have no where else to live and I cant handle the breakup but I cant handle being in this life either.


Seriously Animal 2011, you've been strong enough to deal with this for 8 years. What makes you think you're not strong enough to get the hell out? It's not about how many times you get knocked down it's about how many times you get up. Got any dreams? What are they? Focus on them. Take one small step everyday toward achieving them. Do not lose sight of yourself. Don't like the problems in your marriage, change them. Commit to doing that and things will improve. If not for the relationship then for yourself. Try it you'll see. Is he an abuser? Call the police. Make a real effort. The biggest one you've ever made perhaps. Go for it. Ask yourself - What do you have to lose? Except maybe a crappy relationship. Your 35, still plenty young to meet an exceptional man and have children. Go for it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

babyblues7 said:


> I love a man very much, however we have had our troubles like everyone else. He has a lil girl by another woman. I have no kids. He always seems stressed about his financial means, because he has to pay ridiculous amount of child support and works very long hours and I am just thinking about the future. My question is whenyou love someone how much do you put up with? We are engaged not married. He works a lot and I am home a lone alot. I recently lost my job and I am home all the time by myself when he does get time off we have his little girl. I love her to death but its like we never get any time to ourselves. She is only 15 mnths and demands a lot of attention. The ex girlfriend doesnt seem to do a good job discipling her and she doesnt listen well. I get really stressed out because I feel like there is nothing in the relationship for me. That may sound selfish. However I love him a lot, but wonder if I would be better off alone? He has also called me bad names when drinking and loses his temper with me often.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



So he works.

He doesn't spend time with you

He has an ex who is constantly bothering you

There is a kid who sucks up all dad's time (and actually yours because he works so long so I'm guessing the jobless girl gets to babysit a lot.)

He curses you when he drinks (how often is that again?)

It sounds like he is sleeping with the babysitter (you) because you don't seem to be being treated like a wife.

Now here is the thing. For whatever reason, you've determined you need to accept this treatment because....well, I won't delve into that. BTW, I am glossing over the fact that you probably aren't perfect either.

You are afraid of letting go because a) he's not a terrible guy and it will hurt him b) you are afraid of finding someone (anyone) else, c) you realize that pretty much anyone in your age bracket will also have baggage (not sure of the ages), d) there are SOME good times, e) you really don't want to be the bad guy, kicking him when he's 'down'.

So you are characterizing your fear as 'love'. It's not. It's fear.

Find a job. That will change the power dynamic in the family. Put the wedding on serious hold for right now. Don't accept his rational that he's just fine supporting you, because it locks you in as a babysitter. He needs to make his own changes with his daughter.

That is another thing: It is a natural thing for him to love the daughter so you may be relagated to second class status unless he makes a CONSCIOUS effort to change that dynamic. He shouldn't abandon his little girl, but he shouldn't expect his fiance' to play second fiddle all the time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

A man who puts you dead last behind everything else will probably never change.Speaking from personal experience.They say they'll change when you threaten to leave...but they never do.
it's a real possibility that you'll always be a babysitter,chef,housekeeper,source of sex...but you might never be what you want to be to this man.

You can always TRY to make things different and teach him a different way of treating you but there are no guarantees it will work.You need to start planning for your future.Make your own money and make this man take care of his own child.She isn't yours and you should not be stuck with the responsibility of being her parent.

Before you do ANYTHING you need to get a job and save some money.Do NOT let the money you make get taken away for his expenses ie child/baby momma.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> *Maybe if you guys had a kid of your own you'd feel more included.*


Oh YES!!! That's the answer.......*have a baby with him!!!!!!!*

Then he'll complain about LESS money and probably work MORE to finance his kids, YOU, and himself. That's the ticket!!!


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I never thought of my attachment to him to be based on fear but maybe you are right. Maybe thats why its a very strong attachment. I have been looking fervently for a job, but jobs in this area are hard to come by. I know I keep telling myself that once I get a job I will better understand our relationship, because its very confusing to me. He calls me names every now and then when he drinks which is not acceptable to me and I told him how I felt about the name calling. He actually proposed to me while he was drunk which really hurt my feelings. I have another guy interested in me he has no baggage, we dated briefly when the man that I am with now kicked me out for no real apparent reason. Most people say I shouldnt of gone back, but I am scared of what will happen to me if I dont find a job soon. This other guy is very sweet and kind, we maintained contact after I got back with my ex. Wrong or right we still talk I wanna make the best decisions for me, I have always put everyone else first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

babyblues7 said:


> *He actually proposed to me while he was drunk which really hurt my feelings.* _Posted via Mobile Device_


And you accepted?  I most certainly would NOT have accepted under those conditions!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

babyblues7 said:


> I have another guy interested in me he has no baggage, we dated briefly when the man that I am with now kicked me out for no real apparent reason. Most people say I shouldnt of gone back, but I am scared of what will happen to me if I dont find a job soon. This other guy is very sweet and kind, we maintained contact after I got back with my ex. Wrong or right we still talk I wanna make the best decisions for me, I have always put everyone else first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh boy, the story unfolds. So current b/f kicked you OUT for no reason? Yet there's another guy interested in you that has NO baggage and is NICE? :scratchhead:

At some point you need to look out for YOU. Perhaps nice guy can take you in for a while until you can find a job and get your own place....and get back on your feet.

Or, what about family? Do you have any family you can stay with? Anything would be better than where you are.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

If you truly feel like this, then DO NOT marry this man. Women that are jealous of a child do not make good step mothers. You knew his situation when you became engaged to him. Also you said the baby is 15 months old. That means his prior relationship (start of pregnancy) was only 2 yrs ago. How can you become engaged to a man in such short time?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Kicked you out for no reason?He said "get out" one morning and that was that?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I wouldn't have gone back!!!


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

No, he said please leave. I tried calling him, because he texted me this. Wouldnt answer, he said he was losing it. We had a fight because he had stayed out drinking all night at a guys house and I told him I wasnt gonna put up with that. A week later or so he told me to leave but never really said why. I know I dont know why I stay. Yeah, he asked me back and then proposed didnt seem very genuine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

He missed you as a baby sitter.

He wants you as a baby sitter.

He proposed to you so you stay around and be his baby sitter.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

babyblues7 said:


> No, he said please leave. I tried calling him, because he texted me this. Wouldnt answer, he said he was losing it. We had a fight because he had stayed out drinking all night at a guys house and I told him I wasnt gonna put up with that. A week later or so he told me to leave but never really said why. I know I dont know why I stay. Yeah, he asked me back and then proposed didnt seem very genuine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what are you waiting for then? You need to get out of there.That man sounds toxic.do not marry him and do not have babies with him.
Save yourself.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I think that too, I have been debating back and forth this week about whether I should stay or go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would cut your losses and move on.

You are not happy in this relationship.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

babyblues7 said:


> No, he said please leave. I tried calling him, because he texted me this. Wouldnt answer, he said he was losing it. We had a fight because he had stayed out drinking all night at a guys house and I told him I wasnt gonna put up with that. A week later or so he told me to leave but never really said why. I know I dont know why I stay. Yeah, he asked me back and then proposed didnt seem very genuine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe you keep going back because you think you can't do any better? You can, a lot better. Maybe you have no where else to stay? You do, ask around. Stop pandering to this man, he has no respect for you. Do you like being treated this way? We teach people how to treat us. If you marry him this will be the rest of your life, he is not going to change.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Move on to the nice guy. Life with kids of your own is hard enough now throw in the fact that he already does not respect you, and you have a recipe for an unhappy life together. You need to think of yourself on this one. 
Move on to the nice guy. But I dont think it would be a good idea to stay with the nice guy while you got or your feet. Thats not a good way to start a relationship. You will seem needy and not genuine. It will change the dynamics of your relationship from the beginning so when you do get back on your feet and start working again you will act differently and so will he. Relationships that start based on need usually dont work well. You have to want him not need him and he has to know that.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Thank you, I really do love him even though he doesnt seem to respect me. Hes not all bad though. He can be caring and sweet I have tried to forgive because people arent perfect and we have been through some tough times together. I guess thats why I am finding it difficult to walk away. I do love him with everything I have, but I dont want to be just a babysitter to him. I do think he does care about me he gets hurt like me and doesnt talk it out. I know him very well. He was sexually molested as a child and has been overseas twice, hes in the army. I often think its because of these things that he drinks a lot. He says he knows he needs counselling. Its not him as a person I worry about its how our relationship is with the lil girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No one is "all bad."

But why stay with someone who you admittedly say "doesn't respect" you? 

Get into therapy to find out why you're attracted to someone who does not treat you with respected.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Well I am only going by what people have told me. He is not openly disrespectful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

How old are you both? How many other long term relationships have you been in? If he says he needs counseling when is he planning on going? We've all been through some tough times that doesn't mean the relationship is good, that really is just pinning the needle on the "this is how much crap I can deal with" meter. 

Love is a two way street. What you give and what you get. Sit back and think what you'd like to get to feel loved. Are you getting it consistently or sporadically?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

babyblues7 said:


> Well I am only going by what people have told me. He is not openly disrespectful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This doesn't make sense. Either you feel he does not respect you or you don't.

This isn't about other people.

You have made several statements not that paint the pic that you are not happy with him, don't like how he is, his temper, the things that go along with him being a parent/child support, that he has a drinking problem, that you feel like a babysitter.

If you want to rationalize his behavior, go ahead. But if you keep doing the same thing--expect the same result.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This is the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship. This is probably as good as it's going to get unless some miracle happens in counseling. Is this all you are worth? I think you are BOTH worth more and deserve to be happy, not settling for what is convenient and present.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> Love is a two way street. What you give and what you get. Sit back and think what you'd like to get to feel loved. Are you getting it consistently or sporadically?


This is it! :iagree:


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

We are 30, I have had 2 long term relationships. I only get what I would like to get to be loved sporadically. I give a hundred percent to him. I have asked about the counselling, he doesnt know because of work schedule and probably because he doesnt want to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No one is "all bad."
> .


This is a great point. It's easy to deal with someone at their best. Maybe it's even fun or exciting. But when someone's worst is as bad as you say and as frequent as you say how can the good possibly outweigh that?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

babyblues7 said:


> We are 30, I have had 2 long term relationships. I only get what I would like to get to be loved sporadically. I give a hundred percent to him. I have asked about the counselling, he doesnt know because of work schedule and probably because he doesnt want to go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At this point he is stringing you along with lip service. You believe he is going to work on the relationship. When is "going to be" actually going to become "doing"? eg- counseling. 

Ask him about his work schedule for the next few weeks. Find an IC and make a set of appointments for him. See what he says when the rubber meets the road on this. Surely he'd be able to make one of them.  Next time he kicks you out ( he will ) use this, and/or other issues as leverage for coming back.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> Next time he kicks you out.....


*Stay out!*


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

southern wife said:


> He missed you as a baby sitter.
> 
> He wants you as a baby sitter.
> 
> He proposed to you so you stay around and be his baby sitter.


:iagree:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> At this point he is stringing you along with lip service. You believe he is going to work on the relationship. When is "going to be" actually going to become "doing"? eg- counseling.
> 
> Ask him about his work schedule for the next few weeks. Find an IC and make a set of appointments for him. See what he says when the rubber meets the road on this. Surely he'd be able to make one of them.  Next time he kicks you out ( he will ) use this, and/or other issues as leverage for coming back.


Ugh. No. I'm a guy. Do NOT go back to this guy. Do NOT use this as a point of leverage and do NOT go back. Use the Sisterhood to find a temporary place and ask every woman you know about potential jobs.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

JCD said:


> Ugh. No. I'm a guy. Do NOT go back to this guy. Do NOT use this as a point of leverage and do NOT go back. Use the Sisterhood to find a temporary place and ask every woman you know about potential jobs.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

southern wife said:


> *Stay out!*


Or that too..lol. :lol:


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I need to leave as soon as possible, I knew I shouldnt of came back. He was drinkn last night. I know he still keeps in touch with the baby mama he texts her regularly. He was complaining about having to work so much to pay for child support last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

It is about to get a lot harder on him. But that isn't your problem.

What did you do today to find a job? Write that on your hand.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JCD said:


> *Use the Sisterhood* to find a temporary place and ask every woman you know about potential jobs.


:rofl:

Babyblue--when you've had enough, you will leave. Until then, expect the same.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

JCD said:


> It is about to get a lot harder on him. But that isn't your problem.
> 
> What did you do today to find a job? Write that on your hand.


Well I look for work everyday and have an interview Friday. I know its gonna be harder on him thats why its hard ti leave. But my grandmother told me from day one, I didnt need to be washing anyones dirty laundry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

He says ur always down, well I do feel down. Its not long ago I went through a divorce and lost everything now I dont have a job living with a guy that is never home and treats me this way. I dunno why I would have a drop of compassion for this guy. Btw he likes to keep the baby mamas other kid when possible!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

babyblues7 said:


> I know its gonna be harder on him thats why its hard ti leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to stop focusing on him, and focus on you! That is your ticket out of there!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Is it not obvious that he doesn't give a damn how you feel?Based on his behavior,unless there's more to the story than we are being told,he is using you.
Like SW said,stop focusing on him.Focus on you and this whole process will go so much easier for you.Don't be an emotional cutter and torture yourself about how he feels,what he thinks,what he's going to do.STOP IT!


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Thanks I have always known this deep down I just tried to ignore it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ignoring is what got you into this mess. 

So believe it and now do something about it. 

Cause you can talk til you're blue in the face about how dissatisfied you are but until you actually do something, you should expect the status quo.

Get a job, save money, make a life for youself.

Be single for awhile. Sounds like you haven't completely healed from your divorce and you need time to do that before jumping into another serious relationship. 

Work on your boundaries.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

He is totally eat up with this baby mama stuff and his lil girl. I lend an ear but I always get aggravated with it, he ponders nothing on our life it seems. He doesnt treat me like I used to be treated when I was married. There is nothing more that I am not saying, I had never drank a beer until I met him. He pushes people to drink. He has even taken his lil girl on a boat ride at 7mnths old! He does what he wants to. He has made me do things that I thought a lady should never do, which was how I was raised. People never tell him hey you probably shouldnt do that, I have seen his family act like it was no big deal. I have never cheated on him and he used to call me a cheating b*&/[email protected] when he would drink. I used to tell him I didnt like keeping the baby mamas other kid because I just didnt think it was right, its by a different Dad and she even said the Dad didnt want him keeping him, but he would anyway. He would say he knew it probably upset me but he had a big heart towards kids, which is fine. I guess I am just used to a man and woman relationship. Me being first and the man being first to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what are you going to actually do?


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I want to leave today, I dunno why its so hard for me actually leave. I dont know how to do it, but when I think about leaving I always feel relief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

The thing is he says he cant trust me and hes right. Since he told me to leave and that he thought I was a cheating b**** I cant seem to love him like I used to. I have known others that put up with more then that and they seem to still be madly in love, so is there something wrong with me? I have kissed the nice guy since coming back to my boyfriend. I wonder if there is any hope for me and why I feel the need to cheat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Just to be clear, I had never even thought about anyone else before he kicked me out I wouldnt have wanted to hurt him in any way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Leave and live your life. You should not do it because of another man, but because of YOU! You deserve to be happy, appreciated, respected and loved. It does not seem that man gives you either of those things.
Nothing gives him the right to treat you like a babysitter/maid/doormat. You are supposed to be his partner. 
SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN!!


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