# Men...Please give me your input!



## deanbert74 (Dec 9, 2009)

My husband of over 10yrs and I have recently decided to give our rocky marriage another try. About 4 months about, he told me he loves me but isnt in love with me. We have been sleeping separate for about 4 months now. We are intimate about 1-2 times a week, with me being the agressor. He will kiss me goodnight but thats about it. Sex is just sex, there is no emotion or love involved. 

We have a friendship again, which I think is great, but I am having a very hard time not having the physical aspect of out relationship anymore. When I try to put my arms around him I feel the tension, and most times he will make an excuse an pull away.

Any ideas? How do men fall out of love with their wives? How do you lose the romantic feelings? We have always had a very fulfilling sex life, I'm 35, attractive, physically fit...what is it? Help!!!!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

What did you do when you were courting? Were there specific things you did together that you don't do anymore? Were there things you talked of doing that you've never done?

People generally give up when they see any further effort as pointless. Whatever they were doing, or trying to do, it wasn't getting them what they wanted, and it wasn't even going in the right direction, so they stopped trying. Sometimes we get people who are having sex but feel rejected over some particular sex act they would really like to try but that the spouse doesn't want to do. Is there anything like that?

What have been the sources of rockiness in your relationship? Is there some specific thing you have fought over on a regular basis?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

"In love" = "love" + "desire"

So, your husband no longer desires you.

Possible reasons:

1) His desire exists, but is bottled up. This can happen if you reject more than 50% of his intimate advances over several years, if you are unfaithful to him, or due to mental or physical disease/dysfunction that has nothing to do with you.

2) His desire is gone. This is typically caused either because he is currently having an affair, or because your physical appearance no longer excites him. If you say you are attractive and fit, an affair is a definite danger.

The good news is that it is much easier to re-kindle desire than to find a new love. So, the odds are with you.

Good luck.


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## Brettscout (Jan 19, 2010)

AlexNY said:


> "In love" = "love" + "desire"
> 
> So, your husband no longer desires you.
> 
> ...


partially agree with some things said here...but there is more to "desiring" than just physical attraction....that is a component...but there are a whole mess of other things in that formula 
eg: mental attraction, respect, health, laughter, happiness (not sexual gratification happiness)....prolly the most important..mutual understanding and respect for echothers happiness and wellbeing...unselfishness


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## sunrisehope (Mar 6, 2010)

In love = love + desire... Well put.


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## deanbert74 (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks so much for the input.

To give alittle more info, when we were dating way back when, it was a long distance relationship. We spend alot of time on the phone talking, and weekends together. For the most part we had alot of fun, out with friend in the bar, we were 23-24. 

Over the years there have been the normal marriage stressors. Family interference, money, we have a special needs son, my son from a previous relationship. For the first 5-6yrs of our marrriage I kept my feelings bottled up inside, I wasn't into PDA and always pushing him away. Now the last 6yrs we have kinda done a role reversal, and I know its my fault. Now I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I can't get him to talk, I try to touch him and he pushes me away, sex has always been our place where things were perfect-now its empty. 

He says that me taking him for granted over the years and not treating him like I should have has deteriorated his romantic feelings for me. We have always had a pretty intense sex life, so I know thats not the issue. He says these feeling built up over time, so he just dropped it on me one day, which was devastating. He is devoted to marriage and is disgusted by cheating so I know thats not it either. My problem is I have always relied on my looks and I knew he was always attracted to me, but he feels that my attitude has made me unattractive.

I for the last 4 months, I have worked very hard on me. I have been very selfish and at times demeaning, I have taken him for granted, and rarely involved him in decision making. I'm sure all this for so long has made me an ugly person in his eyes.

But what now???? Our friendship is growing, our lines of communication is improving. I am treating him with the respect he deserves and as a partner, but I dont see any improvement with the physical aspect of our life. He wont let me near him, and to have sex I wake him out of a sound sleep so he can't reject me. Theres no passion, just sex. No kissing, no hugging, nothing. How do I get that back?


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

deanbert74 said:


> Thanks so much for the input.
> 
> I for the last 4 months, I have worked very hard on me. I have been very selfish and at times demeaning, I have taken him for granted, and rarely involved him in decision making. I'm sure all this for so long has made me an ugly person in his eyes.
> QUOTE]
> ...


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

A book that really helped us called His Needs Her Needs. I think one of the issues is that as your trying to fill his needs your giving him what your needing. A very common thing. We try to fill the others needs with things you feel your missing. 

Example. You want to be more intimate hugs kissing sex. Your trying to get him more interested in you buy huging kissing and desering to be sexual. I have a feeling you keep aproaching and he keeps refusing your getting frustrated. Dont the same thing harder doesnt mean your going to get a different result. 

My advise. Find a common hobby and focus on it together. If he likes camping go camping. If he enjoys fishing go fishing with him. Bowling then go bowling. Dont just go but read about it and learn about it. Be a partner in what he likes. You might just find that when your doing it with him he will start wanting to open up more and share the things you desire too.

I can explain all thats in the book but you can read the 1st chapter on amazon and see if it sparks an intrest.

Good luck at least your both working at the issues. Thats HUGE!!


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## deanbert74 (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks for the book selection, I need all the help I can get right now!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Deanbert,

Do you know where his "buttons" are?
Do you/ did you guys "play" in the past?

Things like texting him... hurry up and get home cause i wanna get on my knees and **** your ****! PLAY!

Its good you guys are rebuilding.. but like a few others said.. bring some of the things and sponteneity from the past back..

Flash him in the kitchen. 
Reach around a grab him sometimes.
Take him by the hand and guide it down between your legs.
Whisper dirty things to him
PLAY!!!

Also, as part of your openess that you're obviously working on, do you. or have you guys ever really been open in the sexual dept? You should also work on that. It will give you lots of info on what drives each other so that you can then use that infromation against each other, to create fun sexy ans erotic times.

Outright ask, him... What do you like the most? what did you like the most when times were good? COLLECT information.!!!


Hope your not simply expecting after all the difficulty that he will just come around based on the friendship thing. For men (me anyway) the sexual stuff is actually VERY important component to feeling loved... its NOT as separate as we might seem to behave. It is mutual, i understand that, but going out on a limb a little for him, with some naughty behavior might just get him running on all cylinders again....


have fun and play...


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

deanbert74 said:


> For the first 5-6yrs of our marrriage I kept my feelings bottled up inside, I wasn't into PDA and always pushing him away. Now the last 6yrs we have kinda done a role reversal, and I know its my fault.
> 
> He says that me taking him for granted over the years and not treating him like I should have has deteriorated his romantic feelings for me.
> 
> ...


If I follow, it took 12 years to get into this situation; it's a bit optimistic to expect to get back out in only 4 months.

I'm going to guess here, but it may be that things which are supposed to be fun now have lots of ugly baggage attached, and so they aren't fun anymore. If he associates touching with rejection, you touching him is going to stir up some feelings he doesn't want to have.

One approach you might take is to do something new which you haven't done before, ideally something fun. Think about things which you said you might do one day but never got around to, or something new which he might have said he's interested in. Do your best to avoid anything currently sensitive or any areas where you aren't getting along. But go do something new together, and try to build up some new memories which don't have anything negative attached to them.

Another approach might be to try and repeat old activities but change the endings. Something that you did together which left him feeling bad. ("You know that time we were in the elevator to the penthouse and you tried to kiss me and I was worried the doors would open? Let's try that again.")

If that's a bit much, you can always try to get organized. Get all your old home video converted to digital format and use iMovie or something to edit them together and add subtitles and turn it into a DVD for the grandparents or something. Go through the family photos and make a collage to hang on the wall. Get him to help with it, and talk about what pictures to include. Make a point of focusing on pictures of things you did way back when which you both enjoyed, and talking about the events and the day it was taken and like that. This might get him to reflect on how he felt then, before all the baggage piled up over the years, and put a ***** in the armor. If he _does_ start to open up, be sure you reward him greatly for it so he's inclined to do it again.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

Sounds like you need to spice it up. I'm a dude, and I think you need to change your look. Have you had the same hair style for 10 years? If you are attractive you might need some up dating. You could be compared to a corvette, just put some new rims on a 10 year old corvette and wow I want to drive it again. Change your hair color, get a piercing maybe a tattoo. Sex it up a little. Even attractive chicks can be boring. My wife sexed it up a little. She changed her hair style and pierced her belly button and is going to take me to a massage parlor on Saturday.:smthumbup: She new our marrage was going down hill and now she wants to please her man. Even the bible says a womens job is to please her man of all of his needs.

I think that whole womens lib stuff is out of control. If you have noticed once women started burning bras and stuff the divorce rate is now way up and out of control.

Just a thought from a dude. Dudes are simple just feed us, do us, and change the wheels on the corvette once in a while. And don't let your hair go gray.

I hope this helps.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Flanders said:


> I think that whole womens lib stuff is out of control. If you have noticed once women started burning bras and stuff the divorce rate is now way up and out of control.
> 
> Just a thought from a dude. Dudes are simple just feed us, do us, and change the wheels on the corvette once in a while. And don't let your hair go gray.


Oh My!!!


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Flanders said:


> I think that whole womens lib stuff is out of control. If you have noticed once women started burning bras and stuff the divorce rate is now way up and out of control.


Gender equality is difficult, but not impossible.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> How do men fall out of love with their wives? How do you lose the romantic feelings?


THat is a puzzler to me too as you can read my parallel thread I am running on this subject.

Normally, I would say if you cut off physical intimacy. . .a man will fall out of love and needs that to feel the same thing you are feeling.

Because I am perplexed as you, I will just offer up that I am as confused as you.

Romance, love and sex are complicated subjects. . .I think there are some gender generalizations you can make and some you can't.


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

This scenario is nothing new. I am a man...and men are simple creatures. Men do not ask a lot. Men are "sick". We need to be honest here. Most women are to "busy" with anything but...what counts. The "dog" has lost interest in the "bus"...who never stops, never sits "pretty", never bends over, never talks dirty, etc. Women need to know - your man will do anything - if you just do your bit now and then. Any comments?


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

That's funny Willard! some truth there though!

It sounds like you feel you are greatly responsible for what has happened, treated him poorly in various ways in the past and it is good that you aware of that, and I know from arguements I have had with my wife over the years, I can tell if she was just apologizing for her bad behavior, or really meant it and actions shows the same. 

Might sound simple, but have you actually sat down with him, or knealed and asked him for forgiveness for the way that you treated him and accept responsibility for what you have done, and list some of the things you said here so he understands that you are accepting responsibility for......, I believe taking ownership for your own actions can speak volumes and at least for me, I am much more vulnerable and open after i receive a sincere apology, then just a : sorry.....it just makes it worse. Some of us may seem hard on the outside, but we still have feelings in there. Just a suggestion.

Best of luck.


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## deanbert74 (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks for all the input. My problem is I've 'cried wolf' so many times about how I would fix things and as time passed I just feel back into the same ol routine.

He tells me that not being treated as an equal for so long is what over time has made his feelings change toward me. But yet he stays, thats the other puzzeling thing. He has said how we are getting along sooo well and are not fighting, but he just doesnt feel anything romantic for me. At this point I just feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle anymore. Reality sucks bad!!!


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

It's odd to me that he loves you, but is not in love with you, and you are still having sex a few times a week. I think you refrain from having sex with him until he can figure out what he really wants. Why be sexually involved with someone who is not sure they really want to be with you in the future. You should find out what he really wants and ask him to make a decision.


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