# Who do you think ends up better?



## proudwidaddy

My wife and I are going through a divorce, she gave me the whole I love you but not in love with you anymore. We have two children, 8 & 5. We filed the paperwork on Tuesday, now we have to wait 120 days. I am still madly in love with my wife, even though I realize the person she has been the last year is not the wife I married. She lost roughly 60 pounds over the last year and a half, and now I think she feels that the grass is greener on the other side. Being as I am the dumpee, from other people who have gone through this who usually ends up recovering better the person who initiated the divorce, or the person who was dumped?


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## Twofaces

The person who does the work to discover themselves and make themselves whole and happy. Thats who
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Limping

good answer 2 faces. You have the opportunity to launch yourself in an entirely new direction. Where that leads is largely up to you. 

Bill


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## Jellybeans

Both end up better off. 

Because if the marriage is only one-sided, it doesn't stand a chance. Both parties need to look inward and see how they contributed to the marriage failure and also what their partner did to contribute and seek not to repeat damaging behavior in the next relationship.

So if both parties are free to move on, everyone ends up better off.


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## proudwidaddy

I feel vindictive because I want to be the one to end up better off


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## NEW YEAR

why would you want to be married to someone if they tell you they are not in love with you, its how she feels. apparently you two have lost something you once had. communication and paying atention to her feelings are important and over the years if thats not there women are left feeling empty.


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## Wheels65

What happens after the divorce is up to each person. If one person leans towards destructive behavior then that will not change.

Take care of you so you can take care of your kids


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## proudwidaddy

I always paid attention to her, gave her the loving affection. Maybe I was too affectionate to her. I got the whole, you did nothing wrong, you always loved me enough, you are a great husband, father, etc. She lost an extreme amount of weight over the last year, I think part of this might be related to a mid life crisis on her part. The person she is now is not the person I fell in love with. I'm afraid that she is always going to be this person, and it is going to make it tough to be around her while communicating with the children.


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## Wheels65

You choose how you react to her and this will play a role in her behavior. Do the needful, take the high road and be there for your kids.


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## LovesHerMan

It is natural to feel vindictive in your situation. The one thing that I would caution you about is rebound relationships.

If you are too concerned about who ends up "better," you are ripe for the wrong woman to come along, pay attention to you, and you will miss red flags that she is not right for you.

This is the time to concentrate on yourself. Are there any hobbies or interests that you did not pursue while you were married? Seek these out; do things that will give you pleasure.

Your children will recognize that you are the more mature person. Try your best to be as calm and rational around your ex as you can.

It will get better with time.


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## proudwidaddy

the tough thing is what made me happy was being in my marriage. I know that maybe I might have lost a little bit of "my" emotional happiness, but I truly loved being married.


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## LovesHerMan

Yes, I know, and you will find another partner in time. Just don't give your heart out too quickly.


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## that_girl

How sad that she loses weight and thinks the grass is greener.

It's not.

You'll be better off for sure. 

Focus on you and your kiddos. 

You say you loved being married...but you didn't say you loved being married TO HER. That says a lot to me.


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## proudwidaddy

i absolutely loved being married to the woman she was, up to a year ago. I truly felt like she was my soul mate. I look back now and see things this last year that shows me she has changed. I have to tell myself that "the woman she is now, is not the woman she was." 

The thing I have problems with is thinking about how our love life was the last three four months before everything came up, it was amazing, because of how i FELT ABOUT HER


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## waroftheroses

I want to just say that I totally disagree with the comments by Newyear...to imply that lack of communication or paying attention to your wife / husband are sufficient grounds to implement divorce or have an affair is stupid.

My ex wife of 30 years sat down by my side and actually said prior to our divorce that some of the reasons were as follows...I was too affectionate and smothered her with gifts.....which she disliked....GO FIGURE scratchhead:

Personally....from what I have seen and heard I have ended up better than she....I also know that someday I will meet another female partner who will be grateful to receive the things which my ex wife despised so much (allegedly)


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## sisters359

Research shows that both groups end up about the same level of happiness, with a small percentage in each group ending up less happy. I don't recall how long after divorce the happiness was measured--I would think that anything before 3-5 years post-divorce would be premature. 

It's ok to feel vindictive--for a while. If you continue to want her to be unhappy, then you are not moving on. That's the time to get some professional help. 

And ask yourself: how good for your kids will it be if their mom isn't happy? Even if you cannot wish her well for yourself, be careful about contributing to her unhappiness--very careful, b/c that just hurts the kids, ultimately. When you have to make a decision regarding something to do with her, ask yourself if this is really the best decision for the KIDS, or is it a decision you are making to punish her? That will help you find the safest path through the mined fields called "divorce."


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## Jellybeans

proudwidaddy said:


> I feel vindictive because I want to be the one to end up better off


At that is completely normal since it's all still so raw for you.

It will get better and your anger will subside eventually. If it doesn't, see a therapist.



lovesherman said:


> It is natural to feel vindictive in your situation. The one thing that I would caution you about is rebound relationships.
> 
> If you are too concerned about who ends up "better," you are ripe for the wrong woman to come along, pay attention to you, and you will miss red flags that she is not right for you.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

sisters359 said:


> It's ok to feel vindictive--for a while. If you continue to want her to be unhappy, then you are not moving on. That's the time to get some professional help.


:iagree:


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## LonelyNLost

Twofaces said:


> The person who does the work to discover themselves and make themselves whole and happy. Thats who
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Brilliant answer! :iagree:

It's up to you. Chances are she is off in her fantasy world and you are facing reality. Use that chance to figure out who you are and how you contributed to your failed marriage (even if it appears to be her fault). 

My husband cheated and left what I thought was a solid marriage, and I know 100% that I'm better off than he is. I didn't jump from one warm bed to another, though I did meet someone not long after I separated and started the divorce process. He is also the dumpee and we have taken the tools we gained from having to come out of the rubble to figure out what true openness and honesty and communication are. 

Good luck to you. The sooner you let go of your relationship, mourn that loss, and give up any and all hope, the journey becomes much more crystal clear.


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## proudwidaddy

This morning I stood up to the stbxw when she called to talk. She asked me why she was the one talking about things, and I wasn't talking to her. I told her because it was her decision for the divorce, that I never gave up loving her, I didn't abandon us. That it kills me physically to not be able to see my kids every day. That it's the hardest pain I've ever had to go through. That I can't be there to support her emotionally, I have to be there for myself right now. I told her that I hope that in her life she never has to go through what I'm going through, to feel look back at your past and wonder if what you did or didn't do caused all this. I then told her that I think about the future, how we used to have hopes and dreams together, now they are gone. I then think about the person that she will eventually date, and wonder what is it about that person that entices her, that she can't see in me. It felt so good to say all this (while still being respectful). I think she wishes I would bash her, call her a name, something that would be easier for her to accept, than for me to still be the same guy I was. In a strange way I think she kind of respects me for standing up to her. I also resisted the urge to ask her how she was doing. I told her that I'm not going to beg for her to come back, that i'm not going to plead. I don't need to beg someone to love me. I have more respect (now) in myself. Im pulling away, starting to stand on my own two feet. That scares her because she probably thought I would still be here to emotionally support her. The kicker of it all is when I told her that "I don't have a wife anymore, I realize you are not coming back to me. You are not the same wife I knew" Then she said, "Well I don't have a husband." Are you fricking kidding me? This was your choice to discard me like yesterdays trash. Not mine!!! She even still has the gaul to tell me that her and the other guy are just friends. That down the line I will meet someone. I told her I'm no where ready to meet someone. I told her that I don't even think I could talk to someone of the opposite sex right now a "just friends." I think that got her when I said that. She is not used to me standing up to her lately. Plus I think only thirty days into it she still thought I would be begging for her to come back, saying I miss her. She is so messed up in her own little world right now that maybe what i told her now won't affect her, but down the line it will. I don't care though because what I said today was not for her, it was for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shane Jimison

Some times whole life ends up the feeling that husband and wife are no more in love like they were earlier. The situation you are going through is better than that worse situation.


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## MissHim

proudwidaddy said:


> This morning I stood up to the stbxw when she called to talk. She asked me why she was the one talking about things, and I wasn't talking to her. I told her because it was her decision for the divorce, that I never gave up loving her, I didn't abandon us. That it kills me physically to not be able to see my kids every day. That it's the hardest pain I've ever had to go through. That I can't be there to support her emotionally, I have to be there for myself right now. I told her that I hope that in her life she never has to go through what I'm going through, to feel look back at your past and wonder if what you did or didn't do caused all this. I then told her that I think about the future, how we used to have hopes and dreams together, now they are gone. I then think about the person that she will eventually date, and wonder what is it about that person that entices her, that she can't see in me. It felt so good to say all this (while still being respectful). I think she wishes I would bash her, call her a name, something that would be easier for her to accept, than for me to still be the same guy I was. In a strange way I think she kind of respects me for standing up to her. I also resisted the urge to ask her how she was doing. I told her that I'm not going to beg for her to come back, that i'm not going to plead. I don't need to beg someone to love me. I have more respect (now) in myself. Im pulling away, starting to stand on my own two feet. That scares her because she probably thought I would still be here to emotionally support her. The kicker of it all is when I told her that "I don't have a wife anymore, I realize you are not coming back to me. You are not the same wife I knew" Then she said, "Well I don't have a husband." Are you fricking kidding me? This was your choice to discard me like yesterdays trash. Not mine!!! She even still has the gaul to tell me that her and the other guy are just friends. That down the line I will meet someone. I told her I'm no where ready to meet someone. I told her that I don't even think I could talk to someone of the opposite sex right now a "just friends." I think that got her when I said that. She is not used to me standing up to her lately. Plus I think only thirty days into it she still thought I would be begging for her to come back, saying I miss her. She is so messed up in her own little world right now that maybe what i told her now won't affect her, but down the line it will. I don't care though because what I said today was not for her, it was for me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How I wish I were in your wife's shoes, but I was at one time, and didn't realize what I had. My husband was much like you, he waned me more than anything. Yet I didn't value him. 

Today, I would take him back in a split second, but he is remarried. 

I am sorry for your pain. I wish you the best. And, trust me, it doesn't make it any easier, but your head is on straight and hers is not. I have walked in her shoes. This will come chasing her down like a speeding Mac Truck down the road. You will prevail. 

You will be happy again because you have the correct thinking about love and marriage.

Please take care of yourself and your children.


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## Hoosier

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier

Dude you need to go to the "coping with infidelity". Forum....she is having an affair. Lots of good help there. As to who ends up happier can not improve on tf's answer at the start...the person who improves themselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mdill

Jellybeans said:


> Both end up better off.
> 
> Because if the marriage is only one-sided, it doesn't stand a chance. Both parties need to look inward and see how they contributed to the marriage failure and also what their partner did to contribute and seek not to repeat damaging behavior in the next relationship.
> 
> So if both parties are free to move on, everyone ends up better off.


Jellybeans, I really appreciate your posts on TAM. But I have to disagree that both are better off. In my personal experience and that of friends, the one who does better is the one who works the hardest to make the most of their new future. In can be both, but not always. What is not considered enough, is the kids. They are rarely better off. It is mostly all downside for the kids...unfortunately.


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## sammy3

It seems to me often, the WS, is the one who isnt fighting to save the marriage,(the abandon) it is the BS (the abandoned) who's fighting to save the marriage . 

So, it may be thought that the one who abandons may end up not doing as well as the abandoned. (emotionally,stable,directions,etc...) 

I have no idea if this is true ,as it does depend on each person , but I sure hope not, as I am the BS that wants the separation, and it will just be so unfair .... imho 

~sammy


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## carol

I was in your shoes and I think he and I both had a hard time recovering. You can't spend all that time with one person and not struggle in some way with the separation. So focus on moving yourself ahead one day at a time. Let her focus on her. You will be a stronger person for it. 

And please keep in touch with your children. My experience is that they will think it is their fault. They need to be reassured through your words and your actions that they are not at fault and still loved. You will have to make a huge effort to stay involved and nothing is more important than raising our children.



proudwidaddy said:


> My wife and I are going through a divorce, she gave me the whole I love you but not in love with you anymore. We have two children, 8 & 5. We filed the paperwork on Tuesday, now we have to wait 120 days. I am still madly in love with my wife, even though I realize the person she has been the last year is not the wife I married. She lost roughly 60 pounds over the last year and a half, and now I think she feels that the grass is greener on the other side. Being as I am the dumpee, from other people who have gone through this who usually ends up recovering better the person who initiated the divorce, or the person who was dumped?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My ex is the angriest person I've ever come across in my life. He lives in pure misery and makes sure that everyone around him is more miserable then he through abusing and being unfaithful. He made out better financially due to me wanting out fast, but I came out ahead in happiness! I found true love and I could not be any happier. I am truly in live with my husband and he puts so much effort into our marriage and me. I fully appreciate and will never take my marriage for granted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

OneMan said:


> Excluding POS cheaters, just because a marriage ends in divorce doesn't mean both parties are totally responsible for the fallout. There's many spouses out there who do everything they can to please their partner and they still get treated like crap.


But if you do not respect yourself enough to refuse to be treated like crap, what kind of partner/person are you, really? 

Not trying to be antagonistic here--the point is, if you do not love and respect yourself enough to demand proper treatment, no one else will. And in continuing to harbor low self-esteem, a partner contributes to the demise of the marriage. It takes 2 emotionally healthy people to make a marriage work--and many marriages (from what I've learned here), don't have even 1, let alone 2. This does not mean people are "mentally ill;" it usually means they haven't gone through the hard work of learning to like themselves as they are, and have sought reinforcement of their self-image from another. That is a recipe for disaster. If both grow in self-esteem and like who the other is growing to be, great. If one grows and the other doesn't, problems can arise. If neither grow, I expect problems *will* arise. 

It's too easy to point the finger at the other. And, when a "dumpee" (the person who was left) realizes that they deserved BETTER, and learns to be emotionally self-sufficient, they will, in fact, be better off as an individual than they were before--and they may even be grateful that they are no longer with the person who did not love and respect them (former spouse).


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