# How to forgive a cheater



## humorousDog3258 (Dec 31, 2020)

Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yes, some people get over it, and some people don't. What helps a lot is if he has some sort of insight into what it would be like to be cheated on. Not just an "apology". Also if he has a willingness to make amends by being more transparent, eg willing to let your know where he's going to be when you're not together (or whatever makes sense in your circumstances).


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## humorousDog3258 (Dec 31, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Yes, some people get over it, and some people don't. What helps a lot is if he has some sort of insight into what it would be like to be cheated on. Not just an "apology". Also if he has a willingness to make amends by being more transparent, eg willing to let your know where he's going to be when you're not together (or whatever makes sense in your circumstances).



Thankyou 🙂 
Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Thankyou 🙂
> Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be


I always think its slightly amusing in an ironic way when I hear that a cheater has start having counselling to find out why they cheated and what is 'broken'.
They cheat because they make a decision to do so, often time and time again for a long period of time, because they dont value faithfulness enough and they dont have character or integrity. Sorry.
The trust is destroyed, he was 'sorry' AFTER you found out, he didnt come clean himself. That is not being sorry, except sorry he got caught. If you hadnt found out he would still be cheating right now.
Personally for me the trust would be gone, and without that what is there? Yes I could forgive eventually I am sure with a lot of work on my part, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.Forgiveness and being able to trust again are not the same. Adultery destroys the marriage covenant, its shattered and many just cant carry on. Sometimes its beyond repair.
You have given it a year, well done for trying, my husband knows that if he ever cheated thats it.
I do know of a few marriages where they stayed but it can never be the same. Something so important is lost.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Thankyou 🙂
> Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be


Sorry for your situation.

_How can you feel different?_
He is the same man, you are just living a different day with him.

Logically, the forgiving would arrive first, but the trust has permanently vanished.

As I see it, you have already forgiven him a good measure. You did not divorce him.

It is the_ pain_ that lingers. And, why should it not?
You are not a stone.


_Are Dee-_


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sometimes you can simply never look at them or feel the same about the relationship again. That is the risk cheaters take when they cheat. 

It’s like if you fix this great turkey dinner for thanksgiving and someone takes a big ol’ dump right in the middle of the turkey tray. 

You can toss out the turd (ie the AP) and the pooper can apologize for their actions and can even self-reflect and come to terms with why they did it and promise not to do it again.

But doesn’t mean that you’ll still have an appetite or that you have to eat the turkey.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

How to forgive a cheater? Leave. Move on. Find someone better and live your best life. When you do, you will one day look back at your time with that cheater and you won't be angry at them anymore because you will be happy they screwed things up since that allowed you to have the life you have today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It can take three to five years — or longer — to rebuild. Some people try but just can’t rebuild. As to trust, you’ll never again trust him the way you did before he cheated (or you shouldn’t anyway). Rebuilding is a long process and it’s full of ups and downs and triggers. There’s no easy way through it. I wish you the best.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It takes somewhere between 3-5 years to heal from infidelity, and some people never do. It's not something that your marriage can quickly come back from, even if your WS is doing everything right. And if they are refusing to do the work required... forget about it. 

It's not something that you can work out on your own, so I would suggest finding a marriage counselor if you haven't already. It's great that he's in individual therapy, but you need to be going together as well. You're trying to heal the marriage, and he only makes up half of it. 

He should be doing everything possible to make you feel as safe as possible and to earn back your trust. He may need to put more work into that if you feel like he could still be cheating. To be honest, even if he does everything right you will still have doubts sometimes. I would recommend buying the book _How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair_ by Linda MacDonald. It is good for both you and your husband to read. Another good book is _Not "Just Friends"_ by Shirley Glass. 

It took 23 months for "I forgive her" to come out of my mouth, and everyone who knows about it was shocked that I said it at all. That was 2.5 months ago and I meant it when I said it but between our D-Day anniversary, wedding anniversary, and a triggering situation that came up recently, I wouldn't be able to say it right now - and that's okay. Forgiveness is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. It also doesn't "just happen" though, it took A LOT of work to get there. 

I don't think it ever stops hurting entirely, but you learn to move forward with that pain. Personally, at this point, I mostly just feel sad that it's part of our story.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I personally believe if they didn’t value you enough before not to cheat, what is to stop them now? Has your value to them increased? Have they strangely developed some new character? Have they realized that you are the person they love the most? Seems they should have made that call before the marriage, not during.

That said, it’s been a year and your husband is trying to make things right as best he can. That is meaningful at least.
Will it ever fix how you feel about him? Can some magic therapist help you to some epiphany where you will suddenly forgive and trust him? I doubt it.

I’d give it another year if you feel he is worth the effort. If I didn’t feel it anymore for him, I’d send him on his way. He broke the marriage. If you now choose to end it, the blame rests solely on him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted changes you forever. Because you just learned that someone who you were convinced loved you and would never do something to hurt you in fact chose to do just that. So you realize the limits of humans. 

That doesn't mean that every person on Earth would do that same thing to you. But you really never know. So it's hard to ever love is thoroughly again and really give everything you have to anyone. It's a loss of idealistic love that we all want.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted changes you forever. Because you just learned that someone who you were convinced loved you and would never do something to hurt you in fact chose to do just that. So you realize the limits of humans.
> 
> 
> That doesn't mean that every person on Earth would do that same thing to you. But you really never know. So it's hard to ever love is thoroughly again and really give everything you have to anyone. It's a loss of idealistic love that we all want.


I agree, I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely confident that I’m loved in the same way I love others. My ex wife ruined that for me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's one of the saddest things, losing that faith that there is true love. People are imperfect. I've switched to dogs. Dogs won't let You down.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's one of the saddest things, losing that faith that there is true love. People are imperfect. I've switched to dogs. Dogs won't let You down.


Great choice, I LOVE dogs too. 😄 👌


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> How to forgive a cheater? Leave. Move on. Find someone better and live your best life. When you do, you will one day look back at your time with that cheater and you won't be angry at them anymore because you will be happy they screwed things up since that allowed you to have the life you have today.


That is so true. My husband's ex cheating and their divorce opened the door for him to be in a far happier marriage with a wife who loves him and will never cheat.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He got really lucky. It's good he was able to give his heart to someone new after that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree, I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely confident that I’m loved in the same way I love others. My ex wife ruined that for me.


I love you man.....

As a bro' !
Ah, maybe its your name.

Your namesake powers both of my BW boats.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Love a sinner, hate a cheater?

Umm, maybe.

It depends on, who is the sinner, who is the cheater?

(And what party affiliation they have!)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Great choice, I LOVE dogs too. 😄 👌


Not me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He got really lucky. It's good he was able to give his heart to someone new after that.


We both did, both deeply hurt by our exes. There is always hope.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Some people just get crushed over and over.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Some people just get crushed over and over.


That is their due, right or wrong, just or not.

That dark cloud follows them.

T.Jack..

Often, one can move to a different locale and have the hurt shift to a different place in their life or environment.
This requires planning.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂


You have a very short post compared to most, which of course means I have to ask you more details. So to start...
How did you find out? How long did it take for him to fess up? And how much do you know about the affair? (One night stand, emotional and physical? Do you know the whole story, do you know only some of it, how reluctant is he with it etc) Are you married? Did he ever make you feel that he was the type to cheat before you found out?

I think these answers are important for reconciliation since that’s what you are attempting to do. Working through a one night occurrence is different than a 6 month affair where they professed to be soulmates. How you found out also affects things, it’s all traumatizing but finding people butt to nut is different than finding 459 calls to the same number on a phone bill.

I read an article recently, I should try to dig it up, some study through the APA found that there is a marked difference in the success of reconciliation over the course of 5 years in infidelity couples depending on if the cheater admitted the affair or was caught in the affair. The chances of the couple being together at the 5 year mark was something grossly low like 10% for those caught, and something like 52% for those who admitted. (This is of the couples who decided to try reconciliation).

My point is, I don’t think there is a one size fits all and there are hundreds of factors which play into the reconciliation and it’s success. And I think you are asking a question that most of us grapple with whether we choose to leave or stay... how do we ever come to terms with what happened in the context of our own lives and hearts. It’s much more difficult to do when you reconcile with the cheater, because you take on 100% of the risk in the relationship from then on. You know the ability to cheat on you is there and always will be. I don’t think you ever can be completely comfortable with that kind of risk, but you manage it the best you can.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'll be honest with you.

He's completely and totally remorseless. How do I know? Because he'd been lying to your face *day after day after day* until you CAUGHT him and then he _*couldn't*_ lie anymore. Had you not caught him, he'd STILL be lying to your face. Truth is, he had every intention of taking his dirty secret to the grave with him and never telling you.

THAT'S how I know he has no remorse for what he did.

And when they're remorseless, that means they have no problem doing it again.

And again.

And again.

There's a reason you still have a gut feeling he's up to no good. That would be because the chances are VERY VERY high that he *is*.

Don't waste your time eating the **** sandwich he's served up to you. There's a much better diet elsewhere.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Thankyou 🙂
> Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be


Oh, he's throwing you the old "therapy" bone, is he? That's another bargaining chip cheaters use when they want to placate you and can't offer you anything else. His therapist will give him some excuse she pulls out of the air about how he was neglected/abused/ignored/bullied/ridiculed in his childhood and that's why he did it.

He knows damned well why he did it. He did it because he wanted to, he wanted sexual variety, and because the opportunity came up and he jumped on it. He'll never admit that to YOU, however. No, he'll stick to whatever manufactured excuse his therapist will feed him.

It drives me crazy when women can't face the truth about why these men cheat, and instead, need some bogus excuse from a therapist for why their husband cheated to make them feel better that it was some emotional or mental disorder or issue that drove them to it. 

The simple truth is, most of them do it because they *WANT* to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Some people just get crushed over and over.


yes I felt like that for 20 years from my late 20's to my late 40's. I think what kept me going was a) my children needed me and b) a glimmer of hope that one day things would improve.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm glad it finally turned around for you.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂


I think most of the time the bigger problem is the lying after getting caught. What did he do, and how much lying did he do after you caught him? Cheating almost always is a selfish decision. I wouldn't say that he is "broken" just because he cheated. I guess it depends on what you consider "broken" means. People do all kinds of selfish things, think only of themselves, hide their bad behavior, and lie. They know if they tell the truth they'll have some consequences. People cheated on tests when I was in school. When they got caught, they lied about it. I don't recall anyone saying they are "broken" and need counseling. Of course, some did, but there was something else, some other factors, too. Why do you think counseling will help? What is his brokenness, and how will therapy fix that? Does he share with you what is going on at his counseling?

Why do you still sometimes feel he is still doing it? What particular behaviors?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad it finally turned around for you.


Thank you, it was when I met my husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Oh, he's throwing you the old "therapy" bone, is he? That's another bargaining chip cheaters use when they want to placate you and can't offer you anything else. His therapist will give him some excuse she pulls out of the air about how he was neglected/abused/ignored/bullied/ridiculed in his childhood and that's why he did it.
> 
> He knows damned well why he did it. He did it because he wanted to, he wanted sexual variety, and because the opportunity came up and he jumped on it. He'll never admit that to YOU, however. No, he'll stick to whatever manufactured excuse his therapist will feed him.
> 
> ...


Another way cheaters excuse their behaviour and get 'therapy' is by claiming a sex addiction. Then they can say its not their fault, like Tiger Woods. Cheating is a choice, no one forces you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

How to forgive? How old are you and how long have you been married? Did he tell you if this was the only time he has been unfaithful? What reason did he give you for cheating? I have found many that cheat are capable of cheating again so forgiving to keep the marriage is a waste of your time, energy and the space in your heart.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too am always amused when cheaters offer the therapy card, to "fix" themselves. Oh please, you cheated because you CHOSE to do so. No. Other. Reason.

Not sure I could forgive and move on with them in a healthy way. Trust is SO important in marriage, and once it's broken...hmmmmm. People do recover from it, but they're in the minority and it takes years of hard slog to do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Best way I can tell is to move on from them, find someone new, fall in love with that new person and then you don't care about the cheater anymore. So it's easy to forgive them. Unless you do that, I think it's pretty hard.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forget or not allow for consequence.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂


I understand you wan to work it out, however I just have a couple of thoughts for you to consider.

*1)* Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean reconciling. And reconciling doesn't necessarily mean forgiving, although many try to and find reconciling often can't happen and often it's because of point #2 below. If you can't reconcile, sometimes it means it's a deal-breaker for you. No one knows how they will respond to infidelity until it happens.

I guess what I'm trying to say is many can't get past it and pay close attention to yourself to determine if you're one of those people. I'm one, so I understand the struggle. However when you begin to think of it in terms of your ability or inability, I think it gets easier. At least for me it did. It doesn't have anything to do with love. You can love someone and can't reconcile. You can forgive someone and not be able to reconcile. Understand these things and their distinctions and you may be able to find some clarity.

*2) *There's a saying among betrayed spouses that says "recover before you reconcile". Once you recover, you have a clearer mind that can lend itself to reconciling and forgiving. If you haven't recovered, it's akin to having an athletic injury and attempting to play in a game that requires 100% health in order for you to perform and win.

People who are betrayed are emotionally injured and aren't in position to navigate through the complexities of post-affair reconciliation. Just getting your bearings straight is quite a feat. The trauma of being betrayed is a real one that can disrupt cognitive thinking, etc. Get healthy first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@humorousDog3258 What do YOU want? Do you want to reconcile with him?

How did you find out about the affair?

Has he gone no contact with his affair partner?

Are you both in counselling?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂


The pain will be there whether you divorce or try to work it out. But when you stay after cheating, the pain is more in your face because you are with him every day - it's a constant reminder.

Everyone's emotions are their own. While I can relate to your pain I can't feel it the same way. 

In my case, her affair was not physical, but it was with a friend we both knew and the hurt was massive. It took me about 3 years to get to a point where I wasn't wondering what she was doing or thinking. And honestly, our marriage is in a much better place now than it was even before the affair. But those 3 years were awful. We had a lot more time together pre-affair than you - we were married 15 years, so some really deep investments for both of us to attempt to heal and see if we could move forward. It worked out for us, but it often doesn't.

If you still love him and feel you can eventually trust him again, then maybe it's worth sticking out another year. But if you just don't think you ever could, I'd bail now. It will speed up your healing and allow you to work on your future much more quickly.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dump their sorry azz and go find an awesome person to live a wonderful life with. One day soon you will be greatful that they blew it all up so you could meet the person you will soon realize should have been the one all along.

My wife and i both say we would go through all the heartache of past Ex's again if we had to, to get back to each other. She tels me often that she never realized in her wildest dreams what love was possible to be like until me. We met a month before her divorce was final from her serial cheating ex. Now she not only forgives him but is greatful for him destroying their marriage.


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## humorousDog3258 (Dec 31, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> The pain will be there whether you divorce or try to work it out. But when you stay after cheating, the pain is more in your face because you are with him every day - it's a constant reminder.
> 
> Everyone's emotions are their own. While I can relate to your pain I can't feel it the same way.
> 
> ...


Thankyou. Im glad it worked out for you. Hopefully in time it can for me too.


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## humorousDog3258 (Dec 31, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @humorousDog3258 What do YOU want? Do you want to reconcile with him?
> 
> How did you find out about the affair?
> 
> ...


I want to try and work through things. 
I found out by finding messages of him ending things. 
He hasn't contacted them since. 
No counselling for the both of us yet but it is being organised.


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## humorousDog3258 (Dec 31, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I too am always amused when cheaters offer the therapy card, to "fix" themselves. Oh please, you cheated because you CHOSE to do so. No. Other. Reason.
> 
> Not sure I could forgive and move on with them in a healthy way. Trust is SO important in marriage, and once it's broken...hmmmmm. People do recover from it, but they're in the minority and it takes years of hard slog to do.


Up until recently he used his mental health as his reason. However lately he has been very open and honest about the fact he made this decision and it was a mistake. He does have mental health issues he needs to address and thats what he's seeking counselling for. He finally seems remorseful and wanting to genuinely fix things. Just wanted to see how long I should give the trust issue a go before I should consider maybe it just isn't going to work.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> It can take three to five years — or longer — to rebuild. Some people try but just can’t rebuild. As to trust, you’ll never again trust him the way you did before he cheated (or you shouldn’t anyway). Rebuilding is a long process and it’s full of ups and downs and triggers. There’s no easy way through it. I wish you the best.


Agree with this, you will never trust again completely and in fact you should never trust anyone as we are all human and no-one is infallible. Just some people have ****tier characters than others. Counselling might help you t0o, to realize you have choices and this was not about you but about the weaknesses in his character. When you come to terms with that then you can decide whether you want to invest any more time in this marriage or move on. 
Some cheaters never change, some do. My H cheated 20 years ago when I was pregnant, we rug swept but it came back with a vengeance when I hit menopause, I was ready to walk and unwilling to put up with his drinking or an iota of disrespect. He went into intensive therapy, he has really changed a lot and is more loving and attentive but I will never ever see him as the man I married. I am very comfortable in the marriage, we have fun times, great holidays and sex but there is a part of my heart that he lost forever, it is like a stain. If he cheated again (and I already went through being suspicious, it is a horrible place to be etc.) and I had the evidence I know I would walk for sure, it would not be the gut wrenching decision you are going through now. 
You sound young, get counselling then make a decision. See how much effort he is putting into rebuilding, he should do the work, not you. Do not listen to words, they mean nothing, look at the actions only.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Up until recently he used his mental health as his reason. However lately he has been very open and honest about the fact he made this decision and it was a mistake. He does have mental health issues he needs to address and thats what he's seeking counselling for. He finally seems remorseful and wanting to genuinely fix things. Just wanted to see how long I should give the trust issue a go before I should consider maybe it just isn't going to work.


Wow. Mental health really has become the go to excuse to justify anything at all.


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## humorousDog3258 (Dec 31, 2020)

aine said:


> Agree with this, you will never trust again completely and in fact you should never trust anyone as we are all human and no-one is infallible. Just some people have ****tier characters than others. Counselling might help you t0o, to realize you have choices and this was not about you but about the weaknesses in his character. When you come to terms with that then you can decide whether you want to invest any more time in this marriage or move on.
> Some cheaters never change, some do. My H cheated 20 years ago when I was pregnant, we rug swept but it came back with a vengeance when I hit menopause, I was ready to walk and unwilling to put up with his drinking or an iota of disrespect. He went into intensive therapy, he has really changed a lot and is more loving and attentive but I will never ever see him as the man I married. I am very comfortable in the marriage, we have fun times, great holidays and sex but there is a part of my heart that he lost forever, it is like a stain. If he cheated again (and I already went through being suspicious, it is a horrible place to be etc.) and I had the evidence I know I would walk for sure, it would not be the gut wrenching decision you are going through now.
> You sound young, get counselling then make a decision. See how much effort he is putting into rebuilding, he should do the work, not you. Do not listen to words, they mean nothing, look at the actions only.


Thanks for you reply. 
I'm glad its worked out great for you. Its unfortunate though that after working through it, it won't ever be the same as before. 
I guess the problem im finding is its been a year and a half since I found out and its only now he is admitting to what he done. So I've been willing to work on repairing things when he has been preoccupied denying he had done anything wrong. But now that he's willing im not entirely sure I am.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Thanks for you reply.
> I'm glad its worked out great for you. Its unfortunate though that after working through it, it won't ever be the same as before.
> I guess the problem im finding is its been a year and a half since I found out and its only now he is admitting to what he done. So I've been willing to work on repairing things when he has been preoccupied denying he had done anything wrong. But now that he's willing im not entirely sure I am.


Unfortunately that is the damage done by cheating. The old marriage is dead and if he is not prepared to work on it then you should move on. You should set a deadline for yourself, you have waited for 18 months already which is not a good sign/. I guess if you threaten to leave him or divorce he will change his tune. However, who wants to stay with someone that you have to coerce into fixing themselves and being a participant in your marriage. If you are young enough, you have other and better options.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Just responding to the original post...many Years ago I suspected my husband was cheating...I had no concrete evidence, and he denied, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt...A year or so later, right after I gave birth to our child, he did admit that he HAD cheated...but it was over with by then...
I stayed with him because I wanted to work things out...I loved him and our family...I hoped that we could move past it...
It was tortuous @ times...but eventually I learned to trust again...
13 years later...he did it again...got involved in an online long distance affair...
It was a fluke that I found out when I did...before it got physical...but I was done...
My advice would be to go with your gut...but looking back, I'm sorry that I wasted all those years, all that energy on him...obviously he had a serious character flaw...

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

How to forgive? You move on and meet someone awesome that actually loves you the way it is supposed to be. You have an awesome life and you will not only forgive them but be greatful they ****ed up so you had the opportunity to go find someone who loves you. My wife is thankful her serial cheating ex screwed around and she divorced him and married me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

frusdil said:


> Wow. Mental health really has become the go to excuse to justify anything at all.


I was thinking the EXACT same thing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I guess it all depends on what you mean by "forgive"

Knowing how much I give to my partner, if he were to choose another woman while with me, I would see it as the ultimate rejection of ME and everything I was trying to give to him. So even if I forgave him and felt understanding about it (and I would), there is NO way I could overlook it and what it meant -- that he didn't want ME, that he didn't value ME, that what I offered to him as a partner didn't make him happy or wasn't enough for him. And THAT is what the ultimate deal-breaker is for me. 

So if you look at what he did in a basic, unfiltered way, I think it's impossible to rationalize it as anything but total rejection of YOU as a person. I'm not sure how you ever get over something like that, because it's so deep and final. Are you going to become a totally different person...? SHOULD YOU...?? 

There is a reason you do not feel secure with him and are struggling to get over what he did - it's because you know you are NOT actually safe with him. I don't know if there is any way to recover from his betrayal and to feel safe to be yourself with this man again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Knowing how much I give to my partner, if he were to choose another woman while with me, I would see it as the ultimate rejection of ME and everything I was trying to give to him.


QFT. I feel the exact same way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> I guess it all depends on what you mean by "forgive"
> 
> Knowing how much I give to my partner, if he were to choose another woman while with me, I would see it as the ultimate rejection of ME and everything I was trying to give to him. So even if I forgave him and felt understanding about it (and I would), there is NO way I could overlook it and what it meant -- that he didn't want ME, that he didn't value ME, that what I offered to him as a partner didn't make him happy or wasn't enough for him. And THAT is what the ultimate deal-breaker is for me.
> 
> ...


Well said. My view point is that the greatist bond i felt was the two times my wife was carrying our sons. All the times my wife got pregnant, she was on Birth control. So in my mind, my wife is anti abortion and her having sex with another man, means to me that she wants to carry that man's child, because there is a very good chance she would have gotten pregnant. I could not reconcile that.


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## LBluth (Feb 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I always think its slightly amusing in an ironic way when I hear that a cheater has start having counselling to find out why they cheated and what is 'broken'.
> They cheat because they make a decision to do so, often time and time again for a long period of time, because they dont value faithfulness enough and they dont have character or integrity. Sorry.
> The trust is destroyed, he was 'sorry' AFTER you found out, he didnt come clean himself. That is not being sorry, except sorry he got caught. If you hadnt found out he would still be cheating right now.
> Personally for me the trust would be gone, and without that what is there? Yes I could forgive eventually I am sure with a lot of work on my part, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.Forgiveness and being able to trust again are not the same. Adultery destroys the marriage covenant, its shattered and many just cant carry on. Sometimes its beyond repair.
> ...


I hope you've been married a very long time, then. My husband KNEW that too but it didn't stop him from having what he claimed was an EA and I can't help but think was a PA (after 11 years of marriage with two kids). I was adamant, you can do whatever you want, just don't cheat cause it will break me. We're kindred spirits, attached at the hip, the ideal couple with everything in common. Once lapse in communication cause times got rough and they seek out validation from some dumb b--- who is an uglier, dumber, trashier, poorer, dumpier, more desperate version of their spouse. Men are f'ing stupid and destroy their own lives because they have unresolved mommy issues. So, as I said, I hope you're in a 50 year marriage and he can't get it up anymore, because only then can I believe the he knows not to cheat and actually respected your wishes. 

I do agree with the other stuff you said, however.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

How to forgive your cheater in one step - let them go.

I will confess it is not nearly as easy as it sounds.

Part company as quickly as possible. The relationship ended as soon as your betrayer decided to cheat. It will never be the same or as good. A broken trust will always remain just that - broken.

In the long run you will be far better off giving someone new an opportunity to prove themselves worthy of you rather than give a second chance to someone who has already proved they are willing to betray you.

You can co parent successfully.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

humorousDog3258 said:


> Thankyou 🙂
> Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about itven lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be


I am 7 years later, and can't say I have "forgiven her". Some people just learn to live with it without the cleansing of complete forgiveness


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You are dangling from a rope over a cliff. Your spouse, in deciding to cheat, nearly cut through the rope, but left a little bit there to hold you up so you wouldn't realize anything was wrong. Through happenstance, you realized the rope was nearly severed.

Your spouse claims the rope has been fixed, and they won't cut it again. But the rope will never again be as strong as it originally was, and you only have the word of the person who deliberately cut it in the first place that it has even been repaired. They may even have cut it in other places that you haven't noticed yet.

Let go of the rope, and fly away.


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