# My HUsbands Female Friend



## worried123

My Husband has a female friend; they were friends way before I came into the picture. She has helped him through some hard times in the past. When we first started dating I was ok with her, she was very nice and very supportive of our relationship. 

However after my husband and I were married I began to notice how needy she was and how quick he would jump to help her. If she calls and he doesn’t answer the house phone she calls his cell. If he doesn’t answer the cell she will text him and if he is busy and doesn’t answer his text she will text him like every ten mins until he does. 

There is nothing secretive if I wanted I could read his texts he’s not hiding anything. But what hurts me is when My husband and I have a special day planned somehow it ends up to be about her. She is either having a crisis or mad because we are in town and not coming to see her. 

Last Sunday we were going fishing my husband and I, But him and his friend were arguing over something all morning over texting to the point I took his phone away. 

I usually go to bed early because I work early. But last night I stayed up later so we could go to bed together. We were just heading to bed and she called. So I went to bed alone and he talked to her.
These are just two examples but it’s a daily occurrence and it hurts me and I don’t know how to explain it to him without me getting upset.

When my husband came to bed I was really upset, but I think he just thinks I’m crazy. Is it wrong to want to have time with my husband without her texting or calling? Im tired of her interfering with every part of our lives. I don’t know if im over reacting??? 

I would love advice on how to explain to my husband how much this hurts me. Or if you think im over reacting???


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## CandieGirl

How long have you been together? You should have put the kibosh on it right from the beginning. Gonna be hard to get rid of her now.

BTW, it's inappropriate for your husband to be catering to another woman like this.


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## worried123

We dated for two years and have been married for just over a year. And it just seems to be getting worse or maybe i have just lost patients so its bugging me more. But he doesnt see it from my point and i dont know how to make him see how it affects me.

She is not a bad person I really liked her but im so frustrated i cant even talk to her on the phone because im scared what comes out of my mouth wont be nice. 

And i blame my husband just as much as i blame her


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## bellamaxjoy

I answered this in another section, ask your husband how it would be to have the same kind of friendship with a handsome man? I would try to set reasonable boundries, such as, he gets together with you only. and that you can see all texts emails ect. I would also talk to the girl and tell her, that it is not that you have anything personal against her, but for your marriages sake she needs to step back.


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## worried123

I am not worried about him cheating, I have full access to texts if i want to read them. I trust him in that regard. Its just that i feel he puts her before me. I realize she was a good friend to him in the past. But the past is the past and now that we are married I should be #1. 

I have held this in for along time. Bit my tounge and went along with a smile but I cant do it any more. I have tried saying how would you like if i spent hours on the phone with another man. He says it wouldnt bother him. 

The spitfull person in me wants to start talking every night to one of my old guy friends and texting them non stop but im trying to be mature.


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## Love Song

If I were you I would try giving him space. He may turn you down when you ask for things because he knows he'll allows have access to spending time with you. He may be more appreciative of your time if you take it away from him.

Also, I dont think there's anything wrong with male female friendships but it should never come before a marriage. This is not appropriate behavior. As his wife, your needs should come first. I hear "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good book to read from several people here. My husband and I are trying to work on that together. See if your husband will read this with you.


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## that_girl

He needs to tell her to chill the eff out.

Even if it was a male friend, it would be annoying.

If my friend was like that, we'd have to have a talk. lol How bothersome! 

She needs to find her own man.


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## Will_Kane

_Is it wrong to want to have time with my husband without her texting or calling? Im tired of her interfering with every part of our lives. I don’t know if im over reacting??? 

I would love advice on how to explain to my husband how much this hurts me. Or if you think im over reacting??? _

This is all on your husband. It has nothing to do with her being female or with her being a friend. It would be the same if it was a family member. Major emergencies, friend or family, you drop everything. Crises every day, it's too intrusive.

This is rude behavior on your husband's part. It is rude to allow cell calls constantly interrupt your activities, no matter who you are with. Explain this to your husband as nicely as you can. Do not blame her. It is not her fault. It is your husband's fault for allowing it. Do not make it into a "female" friend thing, just a "friend" thing because it would be just as rude if it were a male friend calling.

If you explain it nicely to your husband and he refuses to stop the behavior, I don't know what else you can do. You're going to have a long, tough marriage.

Also, one last thing. Do not discount that she may be interested in your husband, or at least may get off on seeing that he will drop what he's doing with you in order to cater to her. She may like the attention and the feeling of being able to be his top priority, even over his wife. I cannot know whether that is true, but it is a possibility.


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## maccheese

I agree, its on your husband to take care of this. Even though they've known each other for a long time, its just not cool for a married person to to be giving so much to someone of the oppositte sex. If she's really his friend she will understand when he tells her the deal. 

I was in the same situation, my best friend is a guy. We're still cool, but he understands I'm married now and don't be calling at all crazy times asking for crazy stuff like I'm single. The majority of my time has to be spent with hubby and child.


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## RClawson

Hey Worried this is all sound advice. Please do not start communicating with an old boyfriend. It is time to set some limitations on their relationship. Your husband will not think that it is silly when you are packing your bags and moving on. That is what this will come to. Your sensitivity is only going to become more increased. I have female friends who I love dearly. I talk to them about one to three times a year .........maybe. My wife could care less because because she trusts them.


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## itgetsbetter

There's nothing wrong or unnatural about the way you feel. You have a proprietary right to be FIRST in your husband's life. That comes, part and parcel, with the title of "wife."


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## that_girl

I could never talk to my husband after sex. We're both sleeping :rofl:


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## angelpixie

This is so validating to hear. Worried - you have every right to feel the way you do. This was a major problem with my STBXH. He has had one major lifelong male friend; all the rest have been female. He's also very close with his older sister and has an awful relationship with his abusive/alcoholic dad, so in the beginning I used that as his reason for always seeking out female friends. 

Stand up for yourself now. I did not. I told him it bothered me, but he made excuses, then after the friendship ended, told me he was sorry and wouldn't get that tangled up again. The second time it happened (with a new woman), I told him I thought it was inappropriate, and he told me I had no right to tell him what was appropriate, and blamed my feelings on our age difference (I'm older), and my fears of abandonment from a walk-out father. These were buttons for me, and I assumed he was right and I was just too paranoid. That was years ago, and I wish there had been boards like TAM back then. 

If I knew then what I know now, I would have realized that a marriage where I am not first in his heart is not a marriage that will be healthy and ultimately, will not last. I totally like the idea of having him think about you doing this same thing with a male friend -- like the next time he rushes to answer a text, imagine you're the one rushing to the phone and he's sitting there -- and repeat every time he does something for her. Hopefully, it will sink in. You know his reactions better than we do, so realize that if you are really angry and emotional, it may just drive everything underground. In a way that's worse, because you can KNOW they're still in contact, but not be able to prove it, and therefore he can tell you you're just nuts.


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## worried123

Thank you everyone.

I asked my husband to sit down and read theses posts with me. I wanted him to know that it bothered me bad enough I saught out the advice of others. I also wanted him to see that other people removed from the situation found it inapropriate. 

At first he said well what do theses people know they dont even know me and he was defensive. But a day later he came to me and said he promises to be a better husband and to try to get this situation under control. 

I understand he doesnt want to loose his friend I tried to explain to him as life situations change like marriage and dating other relationships change to. I dont expect him to never speak to her again but i do expect to be the # one woman in his life. 

Im hoping I said the right thinks I didnt get mad or angry or even cry. But I did look him in the eye and said if this doesnt change you will loose me. And ive never said that before but its true and it came from the heart. 

I guess only time will tell


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## bandit.45

You did the right thing. Don't doubt yourself. You are acting like an adult, while your husband is stuck in High School la la land with his girl buddy. 

It's time for your husband to act like an adult and live up to his responsibilities to you. I've had a lot of friends throughout my life, I have turned away from some of them, lost some to death, and some just drifted away beyond my ken. That's the way friendship goes sometimes; that's just life.

It won't kill him to ask this friend to keep her distance. 

If he won't, then if I were you I would follow through on your promise.


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## HopeFloats59

worried123 said:


> Thank you everyone.
> 
> I asked my husband to sit down and read theses posts with me. I wanted him to know that it bothered me bad enough I saught out the advice of others. I also wanted him to see that other people removed from the situation found it inapropriate.
> 
> At first he said well what do theses people know they dont even know me and he was defensive. But a day later he came to me and said he promises to be a better husband and to try to get this situation under control.
> 
> I understand he doesnt want to loose his friend I tried to explain to him as life situations change like marriage and dating other relationships change to. I dont expect him to never speak to her again but i do expect to be the # one woman in his life.
> 
> Im hoping I said the right thinks I didnt get mad or angry or even cry. But I did look him in the eye and said if this doesnt change you will loose me. And ive never said that before but its true and it came from the heart.
> 
> I guess only time will tell



I think your attitude towards the scenario and how you handled everything were very admirable. Many girlfriends I know would have gotten pretty angry about it. Your situation reminds me a little bit of something I went through with an ex of mine. We lived together for 3 years, were really serious, but he had this one friend that was like that with him. She would stroke his ego, write him messages saying things like, "You're my idol" "you're so genius" "i can't live without you, friend" (I saw these bc they were posted on his fb wall.) I'm not controlling and tried to not be bothered with it just as you do. I had no problems with him being in contact with exes or other female friends as long as he was always open and honest with me. This female friend just rubbed me the wrong way, a gut feeling told me it was not right. He would get irritated or defensive if I questioned their friendship. Well, we broke up for other reasons, but have always remained in contact as friends. He skyped me a few weeks ago, and I found out that he's been in a relationship with this very girl that was "just a friend" back when we were dating. I didn't get mad, bc we're just friends now, but deep down inside, I did have one of those "aha! I knew it!" moments. He didn't cheat on me, but I sensed something inappropriate about their friendship. Apparently, he's very unhappy with her to the point of depression, he said he misses our time together, and said that she has forbidden him contact with me or any other female friends. I guess she knows from firsthand experience the effect of a poaching female friend. Not condoning his behavior bc I tell my SO everything, and I don't think he should be lying to her, but I saw this coming years before. 

My point is, if you feel something isn't right and it's nagging at you despite your efforts to be ok with it, you should not just be the bigger person all the time and let it slide. I did that. I'm not saying he will cheat or is interested in that girl, but if you have a gut feeling something about this girl isn't right, especially since you seem to be an understanding wife and not irrationally jealous or anything. It seems you handled it very well, you made your point, didn't get angry. Good luck with everything!


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## Beowulf

Any friend that is not a friend of the marriage has to go. If your husband cannot put you higher on his priority list than his friend that is a huge issue. It really doesn't matter if that friend is male or female, the spouse comes first *always*. Tell him that if he doesn't get his priorities straight he will end up either losing his friend or losing you.


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## RClawson

worried123 said:


> Thank you everyone.
> 
> I asked my husband to sit down and read theses posts with me. I wanted him to know that it bothered me bad enough I saught out the advice of others. I also wanted him to see that other people removed from the situation found it inapropriate.
> 
> At first he said well what do theses people know they dont even know me and he was defensive. But a day later he came to me and said he promises to be a better husband and to try to get this situation under control.
> 
> I understand he doesnt want to loose his friend I tried to explain to him as life situations change like marriage and dating other relationships change to. I dont expect him to never speak to her again but i do expect to be the # one woman in his life.
> 
> Im hoping I said the right thinks I didnt get mad or angry or even cry. But I did look him in the eye and said if this doesnt change you will loose me. And ive never said that before but its true and it came from the heart.
> 
> I guess only time will tell


I am so happy for you. You have saved yourself so much internal grief. If he cannot break the bond then follow through because that may be what it takes to get it through his head ultimately.


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## worried123

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## worried123

So I was away for the weekend and the friend in question came over to visit
Her parents live in the same community we do. And my husband and her
Had a talk he told her how I felt and that he agreed with me.
He told her he doesn't want to loose their friend ship but things have
To change. I am proud of him because I know that it must of been a hard
Conversation. 

I'm so looking forwards to this change!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

The fact that she came over to visit with him with you not being there is a HUGE INSULT! 

I would kick his a*s just for letting her in the door.


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## Agast84

worried123 said:


> My Husband has a female friend; they were friends way before I came into the picture. She has helped him through some hard times in the past. When we first started dating I was ok with her, she was very nice and very supportive of our relationship.
> 
> However after my husband and I were married I began to notice how needy she was and how quick he would jump to help her. If she calls and he doesn’t answer the house phone she calls his cell. If he doesn’t answer the cell she will text him and if he is busy and doesn’t answer his text she will text him like every ten mins until he does.
> 
> There is nothing secretive if I wanted I could read his texts he’s not hiding anything. But what hurts me is when My husband and I have a special day planned somehow it ends up to be about her. She is either having a crisis or mad because we are in town and not coming to see her.
> 
> Last Sunday we were going fishing my husband and I, But him and his friend were arguing over something all morning over texting to the point I took his phone away.
> 
> I usually go to bed early because I work early. But last night I stayed up later so we could go to bed together. We were just heading to bed and she called. So I went to bed alone and he talked to her.
> These are just two examples but it’s a daily occurrence and it hurts me and I don’t know how to explain it to him without me getting upset.
> 
> When my husband came to bed I was really upset, but I think he just thinks I’m crazy. Is it wrong to want to have time with my husband without her texting or calling? Im tired of her interfering with every part of our lives. I don’t know if im over reacting???
> 
> I would love advice on how to explain to my husband how much this hurts me. Or if you think im over reacting???


You are correct in the way you feel. Don't talk to an ex or male friend. 
My wife did the same thing with a bunch of friends. At one point she was sending 100's of texts a week and maybe sending me 20 or less.


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## worried123

So update, I thought things were getting better, But now after looking at the phone ive discovered he is just talking to her during the day when im not home. While I am glad he is not doing it while im around, it still hurts that he feels then need to talk to her so much. 

He said its because she listens and doesnt get mad, WE had a huge fight last night Im so frustrated that the littlest things set me off. I was in the wrong last night but i just dont know where to direct my frustrations any more. 

She LIstens to him and they are such good friends untill she has something better to do. then she hurts his feelings and im there to pick up the pieces. I just dont get this situation 

Im so tired and stressed and hurt I dont even know what to do any more


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## Mrs. T

worried123 said:


> My Husband has a female friend; they were friends way before I came into the picture. She has helped him through some hard times in the past. When we first started dating I was ok with her, she was very nice and very supportive of our relationship.
> 
> However after my husband and I were married I began to notice how needy she was and how quick he would jump to help her. *If she calls and he doesn’t answer the house phone she calls his cell. If he doesn’t answer the cell she will text him and if he is busy and doesn’t answer his text she will text him like every ten mins until he does. Red flag...she is acting almost like a wife here. *
> 
> There is nothing secretive if I wanted I could read his texts he’s not hiding anything. But what hurts me is *when My husband and I have a special day planned somehow it ends up to be about her. She is either having a crisis or mad because we are in town and not coming to see her. Another red flag, she is jealous of the special times he spends with you so she sabotages them. It makes her feel special that he drops everything to help her. He needs to ignore these calls. *
> 
> Last Sunday we were going fishing my husband and I, But him and his friend were arguing over something all morning over texting to the point I took his phone away.
> 
> I usually go to bed early because I work early. *But last night I stayed up later so we could go to bed together. We were just heading to bed and she called. So I went to bed alone and he talked to her. This is just so wrong...when this happens he needs to tell her they can talk in the morning, he is getting ready to go to bed. Again, she is monopolizing his time when he should be spending it with you. She is not going to stop doing this as long as he allows it. I place partial blame on him for letting it go on. *
> These are just two examples but it’s a daily occurrence and it hurts me and I don’t know how to explain it to him without me getting upset.
> 
> When my husband came to bed I was really upset, but I think he just thinks I’m crazy. *Is it wrong to want to have time with my husband without her texting or calling? Im tired of her interfering with every part of our lives. I don’t know if im over reacting??? You're not over reacting. I guarentee if the tables were turned he would be just as upset. It is definitley his responsibility to put an end to this. It is so unfair to you. *
> 
> I would love advice on how to explain to my husband how much this hurts me. Or if you think im over reacting??? *Maybe you just explain to him that you don't spend enough time together and the calls and texts are interfering with your marriage. Friends don't normally insert themselves so far into someone else's relationship that it interferes on a daily basis. I would think he'd be a little aggravated by the calls and texts himself, I know I would.*


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## vickyyy

ask ur husband, is he married to u or her ? 
Your really need to stop this before it becomes EA.
talking about important personal things with other woman behind ur back is not acceptable in marriage.Its a foundation for an affair.


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## NextTimeAround

If this woman were still calling the home phone, I would have taken the call and dealt with it. After all, a friend of my husband is a friend of mine. I don't understand why everyone else here felt that only the husband could deal with this dirctly.

If she has a husband or a bf, I would start calling him. and I would start calling her at work. After all, she is good friend of yours (plural) right?


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## worried123

Yes She is or was a friend of mine but i have so many harsh feelings towards her now. I used to be such a happy person it would take alot for me to get mad now i flip over the smallest things even find myself acting childish. 

This has changed me I long to be the person I was when we first got married. Im totally deflated right now  I have no confidence, I doubt who I am how I look. I spend so much time trying to figure out why he needs to talk to her. 

I wrote him a letter telling him from my point of view how it is affecting me. Never did i mention any thing about him it was strickty how it is affecting me. Im just not sure I should give it to him


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## that_girl

Is he still dealing with her?

Is she still acting like his gf?


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## worried123

No they have never been more than friends or so he tells me she has said the same thing to. she refers to him as uncle. she is a bit younger. 

She said to me one day im so glad you under stand our relationship I dont know what id do if you didnt. I just nodded and smiled. I think she is just very needy i dont think she means to cause a problem. But my husband needs to step up and say hey my wife is really upset. BUt honestly i dont think he thinks its wrong.

maybe i should talk to her as well


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## NextTimeAround

worried123 said:


> No they have never been more than friends or so he tells me she has said the same thing to. she refers to him as uncle. she is a bit younger.
> 
> She said to me one day im so glad you under stand our relationship I dont know what id do if you didnt. I just nodded and smiled. I think she is just very needy i dont think she means to cause a problem. But my husband needs to step up and say hey my wife is really upset. BUt honestly i dont think he thinks its wrong.
> 
> maybe i should talk to her as well


I don't know why you are being so nice to her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. I don't deal with adults who are unaware of their behavior anymore and the effects of it. You are the one with the most to lose.


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## RClawson

Damn now I am pissed off for you. Please do not go into the fetal position and fade away like an emotional wreck. Tell him you are pissed and that the calls are unacceptable. It sounds like it is ultimatum time and that if the line is crossed again you are done. Start to consult an attorney and be prepared to serve him notice figuratively and then literally if it does not penetrate his thick skull. 

If I seem passionate about this it is because I am. My wife has always had strong emotional relationships with other women and though it has never been to the degree that yours is it still hurts. I cannot imagine you living through that on a day to day basis.


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## desert-rose

Maye you can learn the lesson I learned the hard way, just by hearing my experience; so, I'm sharing it. My WH/EH/STBXH had a friend who would not stop flirting with him, but she would always claim she just saw him as a brother. She would find ways to exchange "I love you" and "I miss you" and other such things. She would pretend to be torn up in grief over the death of her sister and use that as a free pass to flirt obsessively. She'd post on his FB and chat with him multiple times in a day, telling him how awesome he is and how lucky she was to have him in her life, you know...all the stuff girlfriends and wives are supposed to say. She'd play the victim and he liked being the knight who saves the damsel in distress, so thought that my objections were me being a jerk because she was grieving. When I did see their conversations, I found that while there was no sex talk, there was a lot of coded exchanges of affection and not a lot of grief counseling going on. She liked the thrill of talking to him illicitly and felt glad that he would put me down and prioritize her over me. He liked that someone needed him and kissed his butt all day long and acted like his dog. She was butt ugly and stupid as salt, but affaired down with all his APs because they were supposed to be disposable for him, while he intended to keep me around and mistreat me. To this day, he defends his behavior with her over our marriage and doesn't see her poaching behavior for what it was. I had four separate conversations with her telling her to back off and she refused; she lied every time, telling me that she would stop and then would immediately and secretly complain to him and say those things anyway and he'd console her and encourage it some more. I tried telling him I was okay with their friendship if he stopped the flirting and I tried believing her when she lied to my face and said she would stop; they just took it underground more. Now we are separated and I'm sure she's one of those poaching types because she dove to the rescue after causing some of the problems in the first place. Anyway, people who are trying to throw you off the scent when you're onto something will say things she and he have in your story, so ignore the words and look at the actions. Cheating spouses carrying on long-term affairs will often talk trash about their APs so their loyal spouses don't get as suspicious. If he isn't putting you first, you need to address that problem right now. 

Visiting while you're not there, thanking you for letting their "friendship" continue, saying he's "like an uncle", his secret calls to her during the day when you're not around...would you behave this way with your uncle and his wife? Hmmm....If nothing else, this is an inappropriate friendship which is destabilizing your marriage; you ask him to stand up for you and he just lies to you? Don't put up with it!

Don't make the mistake I made of allowing the friendship to continue. He needs to understand that the marriage comes first and girlfriends who pretend to be nieces are not allowed. Don't rug-sweep this. No contact is your only option. She's addicted to him and acting like a girlfriend. He likes the attention and is encouraging it. I bet he is not being honest with you. Get a keylogger or a VAR. They are disrespecting you. Put your foot down. Otherwise, you're sending the message that you're okay with a one-sided open marriage and that your needs don't matter.


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## worried123

So I gave him the letter I wrote, Basicly i said how every thing was affecting me and how I am no longer happy or willing to put up with this situation any more. He said he is trying to get it under control. But I stood my ground And I said you have had a year and a half to get it under control. It is done or I am gone, 

I told him I have talked to my family about this sittuation And if need be I am welcome to come home. I have found another job closer to my parents place and it is mine any time i need it. I also have talked to a lawyer about the steps of filing for divorce. 

He was shocked maybe floored, He started to cry (ive never seen him cry before) Any way he said the daily phone calls will stop he has promised. I said from now on I am ordering a detailed phone report for the house and our cell phones. 

I hate to be this way but being nice about it doesnt work, He did call her last night while I was there and told her we are having problems and the constant phone calls and texts are a strain on our relationship.

He explained I dont hate her but its not fair to me. 

So I hope things change, and if they dont I have come to the conclution it is not healthy for me to be in this situation and I am mentaly prepared to walk away. 

I guess only time will tell


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## Beowulf

worried123 said:


> So I gave him the letter I wrote, Basicly i said how every thing was affecting me and how I am no longer happy or willing to put up with this situation any more. He said he is trying to get it under control. But I stood my ground And I said you have had a year and a half to get it under control. It is done or I am gone,
> 
> I told him I have talked to my family about this sittuation And if need be I am welcome to come home. I have found another job closer to my parents place and it is mine any time i need it. I also have talked to a lawyer about the steps of filing for divorce.
> 
> He was shocked maybe floored, He started to cry (ive never seen him cry before) Any way he said the daily phone calls will stop he has promised. I said from now on I am ordering a detailed phone report for the house and our cell phones.
> 
> I hate to be this way but being nice about it doesnt work, He did call her last night while I was there and told her we are having problems and the constant phone calls and texts are a strain on our relationship.
> 
> He explained I dont hate her but its not fair to me.
> 
> So I hope things change, and if they dont I have come to the conclution it is not healthy for me to be in this situation and I am mentaly prepared to walk away.
> 
> I guess only time will tell


Good for you. Sometimes we would like to be nice and give our spouses a gentle tap on the shoulder. All to often it takes a 2x4 to the head to get through.


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## bandit.45

Good for you. I think you stopped a potential EA in its tracks. Now you can start feeling good about yourself. You made the choice to no longer be a doormat and you just may have saved your marriage. Just be diligent... Your husband may try to take this fledgling EA underground. Track his calls and install a keylogger on your PC to see if he tries to email her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredOfFailure

I feel your pain. I am living the same issue. Not even married a year and his best friend seems to hold more of his attention than I do. She goes as far as buying him gifts that we normally could not afford. I dont' have an answer. One thing that we have done is given ourselves a time block with no phones, no computers, just time together. We go on walks, play Monolopy, strip poker... this has improved things for myself and I feel our marriage. Outsife of the time block... I will occasionaly bring her up and ask him how is she doing. I hate hearing about her dramas but at least he is sharing with me.


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## Anubis

Worried,
You're doing the right things for your relationship and marriage. If you have moments where you are unsure if you are doing the right thing, ask yourself if you were being honest with him. You are being honest, and therefore this is the right thing. You can't spend the rest of your life being in second place with the man you put in first place. The imbalance will destroy you.

I have a close female friend that goes back to high school. I owe her a response for something small she recently asked of me. I'm over 2 weeks late in responding, because Ive been busy with other priorities.. and I probably won't get to it until next week. I've made lots of time for my #1 priority - my fiance - every single day. Consistent actions and prioritization and total transparency (and vigilance to not let any EAs start) have made my female friends a non issue with my fiance. You deserve the same in your marriage - there should be no question that you are #1 by a large margin.


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## Kurosity

wow great job! I just read through this whole thread and it amazed me how you handled your self through out all of this. 

I hate needy codependent people who just latch on and won't let go and think they take priority in the lives of thoes around them. Just hate them blood life sucking people. Sorry I just ended a friendship similar to the one you discribed. 

No understanding of boundaries. GOOD FOR YOU!! YAY!


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## desert-rose

worried123 said:


> I hate to be this way but being nice about it doesnt work, ...
> 
> 
> So I hope things change, and if they dont I have come to the conclution it is not healthy for me to be in this situation and I am mentaly prepared to walk away.



Attagirl! Now that is how it's done. You did the right thing. Now stay firm. Keep checking on him. Make sure he knows you mean it. And enforce no contact AT ALL with this girl. Make sure he's not secretly talking to her from work or his car. Make sure he doesn't get a secret disposable cell phone. Make sure he doesn't get a secret account that you don't know about. He may try to trick you or test you, either by going more underground or by seeing if you're going to stick to your guns after the initial anger passes. Stay firm. Don't let him off the hook yet because he has to know that you mean it.

Hang in there! You did the right thing by standing up for your marriage and yourself!


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## 7737

Frankly I think Worried 123 is over reacting (please bear with me).

Both the 'friend' and her husband say that they have only ever been friends...ie no sex. 
Had the 'friend' been a male, would you, Worried123, feel any differently?
I have male friends that I have known since my school days, LONG before my wife ever entered the scene. Just as my wife has. 
I have my friends, she has her friends and we have OUR friends.

So I totally disagree with one statement made earlier about if he/she isnt a friend of the marriage then he/she is no friend atall. How sad.

Having said all of this, and whilst I think Worried123 is over-reacting, it is the way SHE feels, whether we agree or not. That simple fact alone; how SHE feels about it, should make her husband do something...tone it down a bit.

Sometimes when I 'react' to something and my wife whinges at me for being pathetic I reply..'I know YOU might think I'm being silly but that fact is, its how *I* feel, and that should matter to you'...


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## worried123

Hi 7737

I dont agree with all that has been posted on here i dont believe that if a friend isnt a friend of the marriage they need to go. This woman is a friend of mine to. And never ever have i been concerned about an affair. I have never felt the need to read texts or emails I trust him 100%

But I dont think its fair that he allows some one else to monopilize his time. Would I feel differently if it was a guy probaly not. regardless of what sex I should be priority. I have made him priority in my life

Before we were married I had a very close male friend, we are still friends but i do not feel the need to text and call all of the time because I have what i need in my husband.

I think this woman uses him when its convienent or when she needs something. She has hurt him and let him down in the past and im always there to pick up the pieces.

Im tired of it and I cant help how I feel


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## Coffee Amore

7737 said:


> Frankly I think Worried 123 is over reacting (please bear with me).
> 
> Both the 'friend' and her husband say that they have only ever been friends...ie no sex.
> Had the 'friend' been a male, would you, Worried123, feel any differently?
> I have male friends that I have known since my school days, LONG before my wife ever entered the scene. Just as my wife has.
> I have my friends, she has her friends and we have OUR friends.
> 
> So I totally disagree with one statement made earlier about if he/she isnt a friend of the marriage then he/she is no friend atall. How sad.
> 
> Having said all of this, and whilst I think Worried123 is over-reacting, it is the way SHE feels, whether we agree or not. That simple fact alone; how SHE feels about it, should make her husband do something...tone it down a bit.
> 
> Sometimes when I 'react' to something and my wife whinges at me for being pathetic I reply..'I know YOU might think I'm being silly but that fact is, its how *I* feel, and that should matter to you'...


People who have EAs often say that the affair partner is "only a friend" so you can't always go by what a person says. You have to go by the actions. Actions speak louder than words. In this case, her husband said he would put an end to it and didn't. It was only after repeated conversations, letters and an ultimatum that he took action. It should never have gotten to that point. 

You should read_ Not "Just Friends_" by Shirley Glass. She talks about this phenomenon. Many people think that infidelity isn't infidelity unless there's sexual contact. The new breed of affairs start of as peer relationships then move to the slippery slope of secret emotional intimacy where time and attention are devoted to another person of the opposite sex. Many people don't recognize it as such until they're in too deep. The only way to prevent it is to have awareness of personal boundaries. I wrote about my personal boundaries here. 

A friend should be a friend to the marriage. A friend to the marriage means the person doesn't cross boundaries in the friendship with the married friend. A friend to the marriage doesn't mean a friend you get after the marriage. A friend to the marriage could be a friend you have before the marriage or after the marriage. The time at which that person enters your life doesn't matter so much as the fact they don't try to insert themselves in between the husband and wife. I have several male friends I've known long before I got married to my husband. All these male friends are friends to my marriage. None of them flirt with me or call me at odd hours or make demands on my time and energy that would take away from the time and energy I have to give my spouse. That's the difference.


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## bandit.45

I don't see this situation as being so much about the fear of adultery (although it could be heading that direction). The issue I see here is with respect.

You have voiced your feelings and concerns to your husband, and if he truly respected you he would have told the girl-buddy to back off and get her emotional needs met elsewhere. He hasn't, at least not to your satisfaction, and that right there is disrespect... disrespect in a nutshell.

No husband should be doing anything to cause his wife unneccesary stress. Your hubby has poor boundaries, and if he cannot act like a true husband is supposed to then you need to educate him yourself by way of tough love and sanctions (i.e. he gets to sleep on the couch until he straightens up). Men are kind of like dogs: positive reinforcement and the occasional treat when they do well, negative sanctions and a smack on the nose when they are being naughty.


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## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> I don't see this situation as being so much about the fear of adultery (although it could be heading that direction). The issue I see here is with respect.
> 
> You have voiced your feelings and concerns to your husband, and if he truly respected you he would have told the girl-buddy to back off and get her emotional needs met elsewhere. He hasn't, at least not to your satisfaction, and that right there is disrespect... disrespect in a nutshell.
> 
> No husband should be doing anything to cause his wife unneccesary stress. Your hubby has poor boundaries, and if he cannot act like a true husband is supposed to then you need to educate him yourself by way of tough love and sanctions (i.e. he gets to sleep on the couch until he straightens up). Men are kind of like dogs: positive reinforcement and the occasional treat when they do well, negative sanctions and a smack on the nose when they are being naughty.


I'll get the wet newspaper, you get the bitter apple. We'll have this husband straightened out in no time.

All kidding aside, Bandit is right. Some guys need a 2x4 to the head because they can't feel a tap on the shoulder.


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## 7737

Worried123 - whatever this friendship is or isn't, it bugs you...your husband married YOU....even if he thinks you are over-reacting and being 'silly' (not saying that he IS) he should tone it down because its bugging YOU, his WIFE...

There ARE men and women out there who ARE friends with each other but who do not have sex with each other....Contrary to what some people may think.


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## Gooch78

Agree with BellmaxJoy, you show in a diplomatic way, explain to her the situation and ask her to stepback


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