# mediation process vs. court



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Looking for anyone who has used a mediator to settle their difference & draw up a settlement agreement between spouses. I am ready to move forward with the divorce & would like this process to go as smoothly, painlessly & the least costly for both husband & myself. My husband & I get along & are able to talk reasonably &have spoken about what outcomes we would like to see. 
I need to hire/consult with an attorney but would like to find out more about mediation. 
Any comments anyone . . .? Experiences to share??


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are infinitely better served by using a mediator if you and your spouse can collectively discuss and navigate the dissolution of the marriage together. 

The mediator fulfills the role of making sure that you address everything that needs to be addressed, and will help clarify details and expectations in areas that can be confusing, or contentious. 

You will pay less than half for the entire mediation process than one of you would pay for an attorney.

If you aren't trying to rip each others throat out, or the thought of sitting across from your soon to be ex-partner isn't emotionally overwhelming, then mediation is much, much better option.


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

The sucess rate of mediation is quite high. By that I mean, agreements to custody and support are usually kept to far more often then those mandated by a court. In Quebec, mediation is mandatory before anyone can go to court. I think that if you are civil to one another this is a fabulous idea. Look for a mediator that is also a famiy law specialist so that they know what they are doing when drafting the separation agreement.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

thanks for your input both of you. I did alittle research on the web to find some mediateors in our area. My husband said he would call a few. 
We have a court order already in place for child support ( due to him having a child with another woman & I wanted to protect myself) until I knew what I wanted to do with our marriage. 

I look back now & think - what was I thinking? How did I think I could continue to be married to him & then have the constant reminder of his infidelity with his other child still in the picture ( & her mother - their relationship has since soured ) . 

When I consulted & hired a lawyer to do the support paperwork we discussed the various items that would have to be decided if we did divorce ( real estate division, assests, child custody & support, tax credits, holidays, etc) so I have a basic idea of somethings we will need to put onto paper. And my husband & I discussed a few of the above when we met a few weeks ago & seem to be on the same page with most items. 

Do you recommend consulting with a lawyer prior to mediation - to know your rights & be informed ( that is usually my style - knowledge is power - right?). 

I have been procrastinating getting this whole process moving - someone need to kick me in the butt. I guess because I realize the "finality" of our marriage once we take this step. It has been a heart wreching decision but something I know needs to be done. 
I still care deeply for my husband & can be friendly with him but can no longer trust him like I used or should be able to as a spouse. There have just been too many lies, betrayal, deceit & another child- that can't be undone. 

I guess the fear of the unknown has kept me from acting. But I need to do this - so I can move on. wish me luck


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My ex and I used a mediator. It was a cheaper route to go, and less stressful...except when he would agree on something and then tell me what he really wanted in the parking lot...grrrrrr....but, I would just ask him to bring that up in the next session 

She actually gave us each a business card for cheap lawyers...basically who would review/file/go to court...it worked well for us. 

What we decided in mediation was not written in stone...we still had a few minor back and forth issues on the wording, etc. once the lawyers were involved.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

do you think it is better to meet with a lawyer 1st & they can advise as to what to bargin for & what our rights are. 
then mediate once we each understand what we are entitled to & then refer back to the lawyers with what we came up with between the 2 of us.
That way they (each of our lawyers) can advise on any areas to re- negotiate, etc.

lawyer, mediator, lawyer 
or 
mediator then lawyer. 
suggestions . . . .


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

In my situation, I think we both felt better about mediate first because if you consult lawyers first, you risk one of you getting a cut-throat lawyer and the other getting more of a paperwork filer type...since our mediator new we planned to use lawyers for the legal documentation, not to 'get the most' for their client neither of us felt threatened by what the other might do.


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