# Do your regret getting divorced



## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

I'm not divorced but I contemplate it in my head at least once every few weeks. it's not like our problems can't be worked out(you can go thru my short post history to get an idea) it's just we find ourselves walking around the same mTN over and over again. 

I've seen how divorce ruins families. I don't want to be a statistic.I don't want to share my kids. To me it just seems so unatural for children to live in two separate households. I've also seen ppl get divorced and remarried but still have major problems in their second marriage. I'm 40 so I'm old enough to know there is no such thing as the fairly tale. I just want to be in love with my husband, I want to desire him sexually. I want to live in a marriage where there is harmony, not a house where there is unrest, and I'm walking on egg shells.

I don't know what's the lesser of two evils. Staying together for the kids, (and hoping we can regain what we once had)or being unhappy 90% of the time. Before you ask, YES we have talked about the issues in our marriage. Changes are made on both ends, then two weeks later we're right back at the drawing board! I'm tired!!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Are you in counseling. What have you tried. Professional help can be a godsend for some. You cant do it alone, we can be overlooking things and not realizing it. MC or IC. 

The nature of love can change over a marriage, is he kind, is he honest, does he respect you. These are also forms of love. 

What kind of unrest is there...


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

indiecat said:


> Are you in counseling. What have you tried. Professional help can be a godsend for some. You cant do it alone, we can be overlooking things and not realizing it. MC or IC.
> 
> The nature of love can change over a marriage, is he kind, is he honest, does he respect you. These are also forms of love.
> 
> What kind of unrest is there...


I wouldn't say he was kind. He shows me love by telling me I'm beautiful, sexy, irresistible, and very affectionate.His love language is touch, and bc he likes to say and do the things I just listed,he feels love if I mirror him. He's very short tempered and I don't feel like a team within our family unit. He's a good provider, but I feel like that's the only thing he does for us.

If things don't get better soon I may look into counseling. Wear every private ppl. We don't talk to other people about our marital issues. Yes, it's a pride thing. What's "mc and IC?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> What's "mc and IC?


Marriage counseling, Individual counseling.

It's easy to get discouraged and contemplate divorce. From what I've observed of my 55 years in my little world, we as a society, opt for divorce too easily. 

I believe marriage is worth the hard work and sacrifice, but it's easier said than done, plus it requires both spouses to engage in the effort. 

Here's the ironic part; many folks choose divorce over working on the marriage thinking it's the easier path. Sometimes it is, but often it is not from what I've seen. The inescapable conclusion is a successful marriage is often plain old hard work. 

Are you and your spouse willing to do the hard work, or would you prefer the so called easy way out? Only you can tell. I would hope to encourage your success.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> I wouldn't say he was kind. *He shows me love by telling me I'm beautiful, sexy, irresistible, and very affectionate.His love language is touch, and bc he likes to say and do the things I just listed,he feels love if I mirror him*. He's very short tempered and I don't feel like a team within our family unit. He's a good provider, but I feel like that's the only thing he does for us.
> 
> If things don't get better soon I may look into counseling. Wear every private ppl. We don't talk to other people about our marital issues. Yes, it's a pride thing. What's "mc and IC?


sounds like a real baastard...
What exactly did u do to change, and what exactly do you do 2 weeks later that equals "back to where we started"...you are somewhat vague here...:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Getting divorced was one the best decisions I've ever made. Ditto for my now wife. We'd both worked hard on our previous marriages to no avail. Kids turned out just fine and are doing well in life. Second marriage for us is the kind most people wish they had. The key to success is learning from past relationship mistakes and applying those lessons carefully.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I do not regret it. Divorcing is the best decision I have ever done in my entire life. Nothing would have fixed my marriage. Nothing.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Getting divorced was one the best decisions I've ever made. Ditto for my now wife. We'd both worked hard on our previous marriages to no avail. Kids turned out just fine and are doing well in life. Second marriage for us is the kind most people wish they had. The key to success is learning from past relationship mistakes and applying those lessons carefully.


How long have you been married. I know the first 7-8 yrs of our marriage was blissfully happy. I couldn't think of anything negative to say about him and I felt like the luckiest woman alive. Around yr 8 things started to change, and there were times we were on the mountaintop, only to land right back to the valley. I know that all marriages start to settle at some point, and I don't want to fool myself into thinking that it won't with someone else. I'm glad you're happy. Deep down I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want my husband to make some changes to better our marriage. I want to be that old wrinkly couple holding hands as they cross the street. I want the longevity, I want the history.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

missthelove2013 said:


> sounds like a real baastard...
> *What exactly did u do to change,* and what exactly do you do 2 weeks later that equals "back to where we started"...you are somewhat vague here...:scratchhead::scratchhead:


Being more affectionate, being more sexual, telling him he's handsome etc. He'd stop barking at me,help out a little more, talk to me nicer, not yell etc. When we talk about our issues and both agree to change, it seems to last a few weeks. I can't tell you who stops first but we end up back at the place where he's short tempered, talking to me disrespectfully, which in turn makes me not desire him when he's coming at me for sex. Many times I grin and bear it and have sex, but then I become resentful bc I'm doing it for him, but feel there's no compromise on his end.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> How long have you been married. I know the first 7-8 yrs of our marriage was blissfully happy. I couldn't think of anything negative to say about him and I felt like the luckiest woman alive. Around yr 8 things started to change, and there were times we were on the mountaintop, only to land right back to the valley. I know that all marriages start to settle at some point, and I don't want to fool myself into thinking that it won't with someone else. I'm glad you're happy. Deep down I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want my husband to make some changes to better our marriage. I want to be that old wrinkly couple holding hands as they cross the street. I want the longevity, I want the history.


I ended my first marriage after 24 years - all but the first few were essentially sexless. She changed immediately after we got married - classic bait and switch.

This relationship is now at the 15 year mark and going wonderfully.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My ex left me thinking it would be easier to "just get divorced".
She didnt count on the problems, the finances, the work to seperate...or the sheer hatred she would create in me for what she did.
She ended up putting about 400% more into the situation than if she had just tried to work on the problem.
Work on the problem if you can so you canpart ways knowing tha you both tried your best.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> My ex left me thinking it would be easier to "just get divorced".
> She didnt count on the problems, the finances, the work to seperate...or the sheer hatred she would create in me for what she did.
> She ended up putting about 400% more into the situation than if she had just tried to work on the problem.
> Work on the problem if you can so you canpart ways knowing tha you both tried your best.


The good thing is we both want to work at it, and my hubby is against divorce. I know things would be harder if we divorced. I would just be exchanging one problem for another.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> The good thing is we both want to work at it, and my hubby is against divorce. I know things would be harder if we divorced. I would just be exchanging one problem for another.


Then you are one of the few.
Good luck.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> not a house where there is unrest, and I'm walking on egg shells.


This caught my eye. 

Please answer these questions:

How often do you two argue?

What level do your fights escalate to? Physical? Extreme verbals? Object throwing?

Who apologizes more often (if ever)?


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

Have you thought of a trial separation? 

I've been married 19 years and I never realized how much I loved my husband until we separated. We both missed each other immensely. Learned to appreciate each other.


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