# Am I dieing a slow death?



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Me and the wife have been seperated since March 30th she has already filed and she told me she had an affair(s). But since Saturday i have not been able to sleep I have been emotionally drained. The back of my head is tense. I can think clearly all i have been thinking about is what she did to me and how much she lied when i was home with her. All the deceit and lying is just driving me crazy. Im trying to put it out of my head but i am having a hard time. What kind of person would pretend to love a person after 20 years and then purposely deceive and lie. While sneeking behind there back to sleep with other people. My head is about to explode!!! I just want the pain to stop please


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am so sorry. I have no advice at this point. Well accept to tell you to be patient. This pain will end. It won't end as soon as you want, but it does get better.

There are some articles that suggest part of the pain, is oxytocin withdrawal. Oxytocin is the hormone that causes bonding. And it is a bit like a drug. When you are getting the regular dose through bonding, you go through withdrawals. 

And then of course, there is just the mind fVck of realizing someone you thought you knew isn't who you though they were at all. That part has lasted much longer for me than the withdrawals. 

People will give you advice on what to do at this point...
Start working out,
push yourself to go out and be social
etc.

They are all really good ideas and do in fact lesson the pain...
But the pain is going to take as long as it's going to take. 
The only thing you can count on is that, eventually, things will get better.


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Those who cause us the most joy also cause us the most pain. Your reaction is normal. She chose a path for your future without considering you and your needs. As far as the pain goes...one day at a time man, one day at a time. 

In the meanwhile, speak to a D attorney and figure out what step(s) in the D process is coming your way as it's better to be prepared vs. taking things as they come along. D is a business deal gone totally bad and will add to your disbelief, but knowing what happens along the way before it happens gives you some control over it, or at least a chance to prepare.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
In a very real sense, yes, you are experiencing a death. Your M is dying and you are powerless to do anything about it. Like so many of us here you have been rewarded for your loyalty, honor and integrity by being betrayed. It is a pain like no other but it does ease in time, a lot of time. It is true that focusing on yourself can and will help ease it at times but in the end, only the passage of time can really heal it.

Know you are not alone and also know that there are other opportunities out there, although you may not believe nor want to hear that now. Life deals out the hand and we play it the best we can. Focus on your next move and less on your previous ones since what's done is done and only the future is as yet unwritten. Choose to make yours better. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Time for you to 180 for yourself--your physical and mental health.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Thanks guys(gals) I admire you who have made it thru this tortuous time. I have never had to deal with anything like this in my life. I still work out lost at least 20 pounds my body is feeling good. My lawyer is seeking durational alimony and full custody of the kids. Nobody can relate to what we are going thru i mean no one unless you are a BS. I have to come to this site everyday jus. To make it thru that day.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Find someone to talk to- be it a friend or even a counselor and get some good coping skills. It drove me nearly insane as well but I had a real close pal who offered a shoulder.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I know it don't seem like it now, But the pain will get less intense over time. It's been 9 months for me & I still have bad days, But my worst days now aren't as bad as my best day in the beginning. Believe me I know what you're going through. 

I don't know what I would've done without the people here on TAM. You can come here & vent anytime you're feeling down & there's always someone here to help you feel better, That understands how you feel. Wishing you the best..


----------



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

OP was it worth it....? to dive in 100 in the deep end hoping all would be well? 

This is exactly what I am talking about.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

OP was it worth it....? to dive in 100 in the deep end hoping all would be well? This is exactly what I am talking about. 

^^^^^^I dont understand what you mean here.


----------



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

bigcityman75 said:


> Thanks guys(gals) I admire you who have made it thru this tortuous time. I have never had to deal with anything like this in my life. I still work out lost at least 20 pounds my body is feeling good. My lawyer is seeking durational alimony and full custody of the kids. Nobody can relate to what we are going thru i mean no one unless you are a BS. I have to come to this site everyday jus. To make it thru that day.


It gets easier with time. Everything gets easier with time. Just keep the faith in yourself.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See your doctor for short term help and then a counsellor for long term help.

And remember, we are here for you.


----------



## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

bigcityman75 said:


> OP was it worth it....? to dive in 100 in the deep end hoping all would be well? This is exactly what I am talking about.
> 
> ^^^^^^I dont understand what you mean here.


I don't understand either. What are you telling him?


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

On the up side, your "wife" told you the truth of who she really is. Use her need to get out of the marriage to your advantage, and quickly. Consult with an attorney(s) as to your rights. If you can document, and record any conversations you have with her. I envy you, your wife telling you the truth. Mine, even after more than 3.5 years separation, divorce proceedings, 15k in PI fees alone, still refuses to admit the truth. Im not downplaying your pain. Its awful. This is a forum that is filled with people that really dont want to be here. Do lots of reading in it. It may help to put things into perspective for you, and in time, things will get better, and you will be stronger.


----------



## kwood (Feb 9, 2015)

no you are not dying a slow death but it sure feels like it I was married 23 years and she had I cought her cheating three times .the best thing you can do is listen to what people on here tell you to do it helps. try to keep busy, try to detatch your self witch is veary hard after all the years of marriage .I no you don't belive it but it will get better .iam going through what you are going through it hurts like hell .but for me the best thing I did was stop all contact with her .the more you talk to her the more it hurts. you need to get pissed off and say she is not going to hurt me anymore and fight to be strong and for a better life .she lied and cheated on you ask your self are you better off alone or with a cheat.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

She trickled truth me and then lied again and then lied again. All i do know is she dis have an affair around January. And the reason i know that because thru heated discussion she said i dont take blame for anything. "You ever think you push me to do it"? So i really dont know how many and who. She said it was 3 then said she loved him. Then she said no of it was true so. But i knew she was cheating the whole time before i left just didnt catch her.


----------



## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

bigcityman75. I see how you feel. The person that you invested so much in and trusted has completely destroyed your trust. 

You're likely feeling betrayed, disappointed, sad, angry, confused or some combination of these emotions.

Your emotions may feel foreign to you. You may even feel like you are going crazy, but you are not. everything you feel right now is normal.

you will be able to find a road throught this catastrophe, and you will eventually regain your footing and your emotional balance. Believe me, it won't always be this painful.

For now, please express your pain completely. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like talking about it, this forum is for you. You will get through this. Believe me.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

bigcityman75 said:


> OP was it worth it....? to dive in 100 in the deep end hoping all would be well? This is exactly what I am talking about.
> 
> ^^^^^^I dont understand what you mean here.


quiesedba believes that it is not worth committing yourself fully to any relationship because he does not care for the idea of taking emotional risks and what might be lost by it going badly. He has a separate thread on it.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's been 9 months for me & I still have bad days, But my worst days now aren't as bad as my best day in the beginning.


This is so true. D-Day was three months ago for me. My bad days now aren't nearly as bad as my best days in February or March. I still cry sometimes (I did today, in fact), but just for a minute or less, and it's not ugly crying. Sometimes, I still feel that familiar pain in my chest and stomach, but I don't feel like I'm barely breathing.

Hold on. Do The 180 for your own sake. There are some days I couldn't have gotten through without reading that again and again. Focus on yourself and the things in your life that aren't in turmoil. Lavish love on your kids. It will get better, I swear.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

180 at the double!!! And spellcheck too..dieing...eek


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to ride through the pain, take back control of your life, it will make you a better man. You seem to be still young (based on your name) and still have a life to look forward to where you will meet someone who values you more that your STBX. The pain will ease with time. Take care


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

So i was googling a picture of me for my avi and damit i got triggered by a picture of her and me on images. Today is my sons 10th birthday i care for him so much. Damn man nothing is real this has forever changed my life. i resent her so much i really want her to feel the pain im in. I really hope i can get over that so wanna live rest of my life with this hate and pain i have in my heart right now.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I am sorry for you man, the only thing I can do for you is tell you that a lot of men like you have found here a place to find advice and comfort from people who have been where you are now.


----------



## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

An affair kills more than the marriage. It kills your ability to enjoy the things that make life grand.

I never will forget years ago when the judge asked me if I remembered promising everything I have to my wife. He said son today we are going to give it to her.

Funny thing is - she was the one who cheated.

Now 35 years later and 30 years into my second marriage it would be hard to put myself into your shoes.

It gets better. The world you understood and believed in where principle and honor and commitment still mean something is still there. Go out and find it. You will heal.


----------



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I am very sorry that you had to go through this pain.... But you drank the kool-aid ..... You and so many others buy in to the illusion that marriage is a good thing... It's not and it's really not for the man. Speaking from a biological stand point.... You cannot invest in another person to the degree you did.... That's what people don't get.... I don't know if it's a religious problem or what....


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

quiesedba said:


> I am very sorry that you had to go through this pain.... But you drank the kool-aid ..... You and so many others buy in to the illusion that marriage is a good thing... It's not and it's really not for the man. Speaking from a biological stand point.... You cannot invest in another person to the degree you did.... That's what people don't get.... I don't know if it's a religious problem or what....


Q, you are beginning to sound bitter because of your own experiences and now marriage is a terrible thing? Funny, from what I remember in your posts, you were the one who cheated, I would have thought your BW should be the one who is bitter, but as the saying goes 'oh what a tangled web we weave......" 'divine justice and all that. :scratchhead:


----------



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

bigcityman75 said:


> Me and the wife have been seperated since March 30th she has already filed and she told me she had an affair(s). But since Saturday i have not been able to sleep I have been emotionally drained. The back of my head is tense. I can think clearly all i have been thinking about is what she did to me and how much she lied when i was home with her. All the deceit and lying is just driving me crazy. Im trying to put it out of my head but i am having a hard time. What kind of person would pretend to love a person after 20 years and then purposely deceive and lie. While sneeking behind there back to sleep with other people. My head is about to explode!!! I just want the pain to stop please


Let it go brother.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

bigcityman75 said:


> Me and the wife have been seperated since March 30th she has already filed and she told me she had an affair(s). But since Saturday i have not been able to sleep I have been emotionally drained. The back of my head is tense. I can think clearly all i have been thinking about is what she did to me and how much she lied when i was home with her. All the deceit and lying is just driving me crazy. Im trying to put it out of my head but i am having a hard time. What kind of person would pretend to love a person after 20 years and then purposely deceive and lie. While sneeking behind there back to sleep with other people. My head is about to explode!!! I just want the pain to stop please


Are you saying that the affair(s) is(are) still going on?

If she's remorseless like this, I wouldn't be surprised if it was so.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Yes its still going. Now that we are separted she feels like its ok. I believes she is seeing someone idk cause she lies alot. My daughter hasnt seen it i guess other wise she would have said something to me. Im trying to slowly move on im alot better than i was a month ago so i believe there is hope. I sometimes have a hard time tthinking about how bad she betrayed me or who ever she is with. I fight my mind most days to block that so weird feel like it wants to think about **** like that. But cut of all communication with her except text about the kids. I have been getting back closer to god. I know he is the only one who can help me forgive and let it go.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bigcityman75 said:


> What kind of person would pretend to love a person after 20 years and then purposely deceive and lie. While sneeking behind there back to sleep with other people.


The math is easy on this one. First count all the people that cheat. Multiple that number by 100% and use one of those folks as an example.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bigcityman75 said:


> Yes its still going. Now that we are separted she feels like its ok. I believes she is seeing someone idk cause she lies alot. My daughter hasnt seen it i guess other wise she would have said something to me. Im trying to slowly move on im alot better than i was a month ago so i believe there is hope. I sometimes have a hard time tthinking about how bad she betrayed me or who ever she is with. I fight my mind most days to block that so weird feel like it wants to think about **** like that. But cut of all communication with her except text about the kids. I have been getting back closer to god. I know he is the only one who can help me forgive and let it go.


God helps BCM. But you need to help yourself even more.

Cutting off communication except about the kids is a good move.

So it sounds like you moved out. Why? Did you clear this with your attorney?

If she filed for Divorce then you will need to hire an attorney to protect you and ensure your rights.

How old are you and the STBXW? How old are the kids?

The sooner you can get to the "Let Her Go" stage the sooner you can be happy again.

You might not ever get a good reason why she made these bad decisions and hurt you so much. But take her for face value by her actions that she is this sad person now and protect you and your children the best you can.

HM


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Yes I left March 31st . I have an attorney she is a pitbull in a miniskirt. I am 39 my stbxw is 38. She just called to talk about the kids coming over for the summer. Keep it strictly about the kids. First time talking to her i didn't feel anxiety.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

bigcityman75 said:


> Yes I left March 31st . I have an attorney she is a pitbull in a miniskirt. I am 39 my stbxw is 38. She just called to talk about the kids coming over for the summer. Keep it strictly about the kids. First time talking to her i didn't feel anxiety.


That's good, Glad it's getting a little better for you. You've come a long way in a short time. Hang in there & stay strong.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Having a tough day today. For some reason i just wanna call her and tell how ****ed she is and how she ruined my life ect. .. but instead i will post here. I have to get my kids from her Saturday. So we gotta meet half way. Im not looking forward to seeing her manipulate deceiving and lying self. I hate that after all she has done i still care for this ****ing woman. Are you kidding me? She told she ****ed a dude the night before i came to town last time and i still care for this woman?? My mind is full of tricks these past few days. Been having dreams about here the last few nights . Its been hell. I finally got my own place which is kinda nice. Meet a couple ladies on Tinder havent meet them yet just swaped numbers that makes me feel good. And i read "no more mr nice guy" and realized i was the nice guy. So idk feels better than calling her when i can talk to you guys. Pray for me.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

bigcityman75 said:


> Damn man nothing is real this has forever changed my life. i resent her so much i really want her to feel the pain im in. I really hope i can get over that so wanna live rest of my life with this hate and pain i have in my heart right now.


This will be your new path and new life now. She might not ever understand what she did. So let it go. Use that energy and invest it into finding yourself again.

Might I suggest that you keep communication to email instead of text or phone. It helped me a lot during my experience to do this. The other part of letting go is changing that family dynamic. When she has the kids leave her alone to be their mom.

Keep it up, it'll take a lot of time but you'll get there.


----------



## sargon (May 7, 2015)

bigcityman75 said:


> She told she ****ed a dude the night before i came to town last time


She tells you she fu#cked another guy, for what reason?

She seems to be very angry with you.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

I guess cause i was pressuring her for the truth. We had been separated for a month I should have just left it alone because in reality i already knew. Guess i wanted to know i was right. So dumb i had a chance to get out without alot of the pain .


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BCM, 

I like the idea of meeting half way. Plan the swap at someplace PUBLIC like a McDonald's so you don't have to actually talk to her. Okay yeah, you may see her but you can man through that, right? And if she tries to talk just 'TALK TO THE HAND' and say "I'm not interested in talking to you now" and walk away. 

You are there to get your kids--not hear from her. 

Another alternative, since your kids are "school age" would be to have her take them to school, and you pick them up (thus no interaction with her)...take them to a friends' house and you pick them up when the playing is scheduled to end (thus no interaction with her)...that kind of thing.


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Big city,

Change your thinking. SHE DID NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE. To view it that way means that you still value her. One of the hardest things to do is to realize that the person that you loved was a fraud. You got tricked. It happens. Now, you have to constantly think of her in the negative. She needs to lose her appeal. She will never lose it if you think of her as valuable. Nor if you think of her as "THE ONE". She was not THE ONE. The best thing that came out of her were your kids. PERIOD. SHE'S AN EGG DONOR.

You still struggle with the question, "how could she do this to me"? Instead, you need to start saying, "You can't turn a ***** into a housewife". You lost nothing. Your life is going to be so much better. I don't mean that in a "cheer up fella" kind of way. I mean that in a "I've known several BS's who divorced and EVERY SINGLE ONE, not a typo, EVERY SINGLE ONE is happier, more fulfilled, and complete. I know at least two who have actually said in disbelief, "I can't believe I wanted to try to work things out with them." I saw one at his ex wife's funeral that he attended with his new wife. He had been remarried for a long time. He was loving life. Another friend of mine actually told me that he did not believe that life could get any better than it has gotten since his divorce. His wife was brutal, disgusting, and deceitful. Everyone knew their story and it was humiliating, at first. Then he realized, he was not the one who cheated. Then he realized that she was a lying piece of crap. Then he realized that she had destroyed the home that he wanted for his kids. Then he got mad. Got up. got moving. Got divorced. Got the kids. Got a lot of single lady you know what. Then got remarried. He's one happy motherf***er. And he would use those words exactly.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

quiesedba said:


> I am very sorry that you had to go through this pain.... But you drank the kool-aid ..... You and so many others buy in to the illusion that marriage is a good thing... It's not and it's really not for the man. Speaking from a biological stand point.... You cannot invest in another person to the degree you did.... That's what people don't get.... I don't know if it's a religious problem or what....


Why are you on a marriage forum? Go away back to your MRA sites. This isn't helpful....


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

OP, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know it is hard to understand....she sounds horrific. Concentrate on you and your kids now. You have your whole life ahead of you...39 is so young if you think about it. Time to let go of the old and try not to become bitter. Not all women are like your wife. I have been in a wonderful marriage and value my husband above all others. Time to find a woman like that...not your wife who is broken. Best to you...


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Thank you Bigfoot and kitt you guys made my day. And yes your are right she is the cheating piece of trash and she has lost her value. And i will have an amazing life i have dropped 30lbs been in the gym hard. Feeling alot better about myself.


----------



## May1968 (Dec 16, 2014)

I agree with what Bigfoot said. The shock of the betrayal was hard to take, my divorce was even harder, but once I accepted that life with my wife was over I was able to have much happier and have a more fulfilling life than I ever could have with my XWW. My life improved and her life went into the crapper, so much so that I actually felt sorry for her. Not enough that I ever wanted her back into my life though.


----------



## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

It gets better. The world you understood and believed in where principle and honor and commitment still mean something is still there. Go out and find it. You will heal.

These words are awesome...principle and honor and commitment still mean something is still there..

Thank you for saying them!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sargon said:


> bigcityman75 said:
> 
> 
> > She told she ****ed a dude the night before i came to town last time
> ...



Where was your daughter while she was doing this guy. Next room asleep? Did she leave her at home alone asleep and go out?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

For what t is worth, polls have shown that women who cheat on their husbands and leave them for other men, or to return to single life, tend to deeply regret their decision years down the road, and wished they had worked on saving their marriages. I've read many articles for women who cheated on and left their husbands, often marrying their affair partners, who in later years realized that the grass was no greener on the other side of the fence, and that their new relationships are fraught with the same strife, monotony, and petty crap that ALL marriages have. 

Several of our male members here on TAM have had XWWs try to get back together with them. 

Marriage is marriage. It is tough...no matter how faithful and good the partners are. Outside of fleeing abuse, no marriage should be thrown away lightly, which is what your WW has done. She will come to regret it years from now. Take some comfort in that.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Like Bandit mentions, she is the one that will be worse for all this someday, not you.

Its easier said than done, but you do need to adjust your thinking, and play a new role around her. It can all be an act, but will help to get you into the driver's seat.

Don't worry about her manipulations, and stupid behavior. She thinks she can control you with her words and actions. Counter this with complete indifference. We all know that is the way to cut someone down to size. She's an inconsequential gnat that you deal with by brushing her off.

You're both about 40, that probably bugs her. She's losing her "good years", her best is behind her, but you? You've got lots of good years staring at you, with plenty of women interested in a good man.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Forest said:


> You're both about 40, that probably bugs her. She's losing her "good years", her best is behind her, but you? You've got lots of good years staring at you, with plenty of women interested in a good man.


If you get fit, dress well, stay active and get out and mingle, your sex rank will soar. 

Your STBXWW may have, at most, 8 to 10 more years where she can rely on her looks. Once she hits her 50s her sexual clout goes downhill exponentially. 

This ringer she is screwing around with now may be permanent or he may dump her later on. Or this may just be an exit affair and she did it to force your hand to divorce her. 

Either way, you will end up better off down the road... most likely with a new, perhaps younger, woman on your arm.

Are you dying a slow death? Maybe so, but maybe it is a good thing. You have been given an amazing opportunity to reinvent yourself, find a new path in life, and to rediscover the man you lost when you married this harpy. A phoenix rising from the ashes.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I repeat a lot of this stuff to people like yourself.. I should just copy it from a word doc or something..

First off You are a lot stronger than I was.. I was an utter mess and contemplated suicide.. 

Therapy helped me.. Talking to everyone helped me even if I looked like a nut doing so.. I didn't care and knew it.. It made me feel better and that is all I cared..

Having her feel your pain.. I've been there and in some ways still there.. Eventually you let it go.. 

There is no magic potion or spell that can make this pain go away but time.. It was told to me countless times here and I am tell you the same.. Eventually it gets better but you need time to pass to get to that point.. 

You will not be the same man.. This changes you.. 

I get what quiesedba is saying completely.. A friend of mine said to me make sure you marry a woman that loves you more than you love her.. Which is in line what quiesedba is saying to some degree

To me it is very obvious that quiesedba is extremely hurt and this is his response to his own situation.. 

I am currently dating someone and it hasn't been easy but I realized I just can't be afraid to make that commitment. I just can't jump everytime I hear wedding bells and hide under my bed.. My Ex wife does not represent all women in society.. 

But neither am I am fool to fall into a relationship like I did with my EX.. I am smarter today or at least hope so how to protect myself and my kids.. 

Today I don't lead with my heart as much but more with my head.. But again not without issues.. Its like I love this person I am with but I will hit the eject button on her seat in a heartbeat.. But if you think this type of mentality doesn't come out you're wrong.. My GF can see right through me sometimes.. She figures me out well.. 

What I want to tell you is try to get your kids.. Don't be blind to think your wife has the rights to your children.. Because she doesn't.. Try to get your kids 51% of the time before you go to court... Establish a routine to have them 4 days out of the week.. And they have to be OVER NIGHTS.. So 4 days out of the week they should be sleeping over your house.. 

As was mentioned I have issues with you leaving your home.. I am assuming you own the home.. If its just a rental then its not much of an issues.. But I would talk to your lawyer about going back home..

You will have ups and downs.. You will think you're okay and then get a punch in the face which will knock you down.. Its common.. 

Consider this hills and valleys.. Eventually they spread and you will have less of them.. But when you're down it will feel or be much longer.. Of course When you're up that will be longer as well. But you won't care about the ups as much as you care about the downs.. 

So take it from a guy who first wanted to kill himself and then ended up with physical custody of his kids and collecting child support.. Anything is possible... And no, there is nothing wrong with my Ex wife..

I basically pulled myself up and fought for my kids.. Or at least I let my Ex know I was going to fight for them.. My boys were 12 and 8 going on 13 and 9 in 2013...

Keep posting and keep it to this thread... I started dating my Post so later on I could see from day to day and week to week how things were going for me.. Sort of like a diary of sorts..


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> *If you get fit, dress well, stay active and get out and mingle, your sex rank will soar.
> *
> Your STBXWW may have, at most, 8 to 10 more years where she can rely on her looks. Once she hits her 50s her sexual clout goes downhill exponentially.
> 
> ...


Love that last sentence. 

So true. You will have to put in the effort but their is going be a reward. Once you get your head right, things will get better. 

From inception to birth it takes 40 weeks to bring a new life into 
existence. OP embark on a path to your new life. If you work on your mind, body, and soul, you will reap a huge bounty. 

The best revenge is success. It is 180 time. Push hard for the quick D. Hit the gym like an animal. Get yourself new threads, new hair cut. Start some hobbies to get a new life. 

The 1st step. Get on your knees and ask God for the strength to get through this. Like Bandit said above, you can rise from the ashes shinier than you've been in decades.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Hardtohandle, i moved out because we were short sale the house anyway and plus the amount of disrespect she was showing and lieing and deceiving she was doing was gonna land me in jail. So my mom let me move in with her (thank god for her)2 hours away. So im asking for full custody. Our attorneys are hammering out the summer arrangment now. But let me tell you guys something the encouragement and the advice you guys have given me on this site,man without yall support and words i dont think i could have made it past the first few weeks. Today has been the best day ive had in a long while. Feeling strong and not blaming myself had a great workout yesterday. A very attractive lady hit on me today in the publix parking lot. I feel confident about my future. I love the saying a phoniex rises from the ashes. That will be me.


----------



## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

bigcityman75 said:


> Having a tough day today. For some reason i just wanna call her and tell how ****ed she is and how she ruined my life ect. .. but instead i will post here. I have to get my kids from her Saturday. So we gotta meet half way. Im not looking forward to seeing her manipulate deceiving and lying self. I hate that after all she has done i still care for this ****ing woman. Are you kidding me? She told she ****ed a dude the night before i came to town last time and i still care for this woman?? My mind is full of tricks these past few days. Been having dreams about here the last few nights . Its been hell. I finally got my own place which is kinda nice. Meet a couple ladies on Tinder havent meet them yet just swaped numbers that makes me feel good. And i read "no more mr nice guy" and realized i was the nice guy. So idk feels better than calling her when i can talk to you guys. Pray for me.


Never ever call her and tell her squat. 
She does not care and the only thing this will do is let her know she can still effect you.

Your bet bet is to act like she is almost an after thought.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bigcityman75 said:


> Hardtohandle, i moved out because we were short sale the house anyway and plus the amount of disrespect she was showing and lieing and deceiving she was doing was gonna land me in jail. So my mom let me move in with her (thank god for her)2 hours away. So im asking for full custody. Our attorneys are hammering out the summer arrangment now. But let me tell you guys something the encouragement and the advice you guys have given me on this site,man without yall support and words i dont think i could have made it past the first few weeks. Today has been the best day ive had in a long while. Feeling strong and not blaming myself had a great workout yesterday. A very attractive lady hit on me today in the publix parking lot. I feel confident about my future. I love the saying a phoniex rises from the ashes. That will be me.


BCM75, I'm glad you are having a good day. 

It will be a mixed bag from now on. You will have good days and bad days. Starting off there will be more bad than good, but after a time they will even out, and then after more time you will start having more good days than bad. 

It takes time. You have lots of anguish to process. Let it move through you and process fully. Don't fight it. If you need to cry, go somewhere by yourself and have a good long cry...nothing unmanly or wrong with that. If you need to shout or hit something, go to a gym and wail on a bag. Go to the top of a mountain somewhere remote and scream and cuss until you are hoarse. Channel that anger in positive ways. 

Stay away from your ex as much as possible. Don't talk to her any more than necessary and only about the divorce. Keep it to business. If she brings up the relationship, hang up on her. Don't let her suck you in.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Thanks bandit, well no kids this weekend. Her and her lawyer wrote a summer agreement for us to sign like two days ago and was rushing for us to sign it. I guess my stbxww found out i was asking for full custody. But my lawyer and I didnt like a few things in her memo that we felt she might try to use in court. So we asked them to right up a temporary custody summer agreement. Her lawyer said she didnt have time and wanted us to write it up. So maybe next weekend. My kids know how i feel about them and i just saw them a few weeks ago. But we are definitely not gonna let them manipulate us. She is the enemy and i will treat her as such. That left me a little bitter today but i shook it off. I guess she thought i was gonna roll over and play dead. Im pretty sure this situation is gonna get worse and ugly as it goes on. But im gonna fight for my rights and my kids.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

bigcityman75 said:


> Thanks bandit, well no kids this weekend. Her and her lawyer wrote a summer agreement for us to sign like two days ago and was rushing for us to sign it. I guess my stbxww found out i was asking for full custody. But my lawyer and I didnt like a few things in her memo that we felt she might try to use in court. So we asked them to right up a temporary custody summer agreement. Her lawyer said she didnt have time and wanted us to write it up. So maybe next weekend. [B*]My kids know how i feel about them and i just saw them a few weeks ago*[/B]. But we are definitely not gonna let them manipulate us. She is the enemy and i will treat her as such. That left me a little bitter today but i shook it off. I guess she thought i was gonna roll over and play dead. Im pretty sure this situation is gonna get worse and ugly as it goes on. But im gonna fight for my rights and my kids.


Has it really been a few weeks since you saw the kids? You need to let your lawyer and your stbxw know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable. And do it in writing.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Yea i had them mothers day weekend. And you we are filing a junction asap. Like i said and i realize this is probably gonna get ugly.


----------



## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

its a bit of mourning... Does that make sense? I mourn the person I knew and loved and I mourn for the life I had. I admire that you care and want to come to closure on your terms. I have only gotten some answers and have dedicated a portion of my life the last 7 months to the truth. as painful as it is I wish he was straight with me rather than a sneaky bastard. We didn't ask for this and we deserve better. you deserve better.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Keep fighting for your rights and your kids rights.

Never rollover for her. Because if she does not respect you now she will never respect you later unless you remind her who the man and father of her children is.

SO use your attorney and kick her in the teeth.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

HM


----------



## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

BCM75 wrote:
Meet a couple ladies on Tinder 

I would just caution you about getting into any kind of relationship at this point in time. It's too early and your life is going to be very busy with the divorce. Also, you're going to change over the next few months and wont be the same (better) person you are today. Wait for it.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Yes Chas your right. I have like 2 women who are interested here i met in town .I feel like im chasing something that i thought i had in my marriage. Which was bad intimacy. I met a lady tonight at the local bar who actually asked my friend and his girl who i was and she was interested in me. She is going thru a divorce of 20 years. And i found her sexy and attractive. She seemed very interested in me. We exchanged numbers we had something in common. I have not had sex in 3 months. I feel her sexual attraction to me(dropped 25lbs) I want her. I am craving a sexual partner? Cause my body hasnt gonna with it this long is it normal or bad ?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It is normal BCM to want attention, love with some lust.

You want what you haven't had in a while.

Just be honest with these ladies and remember to protect yourself right now.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

What do you mean protect myself? You mean my heart ? Im so new to this again my buddy said i missed like 5 women who were digging me. Its definitely feels good to the ego which was badly beaten up.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Because your WW's betrayal is so fresh, and because you are feeling demoralized and abandoned, it would be easy for you to emotionally "latch on" to the first woman who shows you some attention and sympathy. Be careful of this. That is why you need to be honest with this lady and tell her you are fresh from a recent split from an adulterous wife and that you are emotionally fragile. Nothing wrong with being up front like this. 

If you and her have a good time and you end up in bed, treat it for what it is: two wounded people giving an emotional bandaid to each other. Nothing more. Don't let yourself get too attached too soon.


----------



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Yea the attention was nice this weekend . Feels good the work ive put in the gym has been paying off. But yea with it still being fresh i dont know what i really need. Its very confusing honestly. Am i hurting my healing process? Today i feel im slightly down today. Waitin on time i guess.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bigcityman75 said:


> Yea the attention was nice this weekend . Feels good the work ive put in the gym has been paying off. But yea with it still being fresh i dont know what i really need. Its very confusing honestly. Am i hurting my healing process? Today i feel im slightly down today. Waitin on time i guess.


Dude just take these little encounters for what they are...pleasant little interludes...quiet desert islands...in the midst of the stormy, rough seas you are sailing through right now. They take the pressure off and give you back a little sense of your manhood. Enjoy them for what they are and move on to the next harbor. 

It is going to take you a long time to heal. Understand that. You cannot rush it or take a pill to make it better. 

You are being heated in the forge...that is why it is so painful. The heat is burning away all the slag and chaff and impurities...and at the end, you will come out a purer, stronger and shinier metal. You will have gained wisdom, experience and strength, so that the next time some little damaged trollop comes along asking you to carry her baggage, you can tell her she's trying to board at the wrong terminal.


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Big City,

Since you have been in a relationship for so long, you have the equivalent of "muscle memory" instead its "relationship memory". You don't know what its like to be a single man. Your memory of the past is just that, a memory.

Start doing new stuff and break all old routines, except routines that give your kids stability. You might need to establish new routines for them, but you get the point...kids need routines to feel secure, so stick to those as best as possible.

As for you, it can be real confusing being with another woman because you are used to your wife. It will also be tempting to fall back into a relationship mindset with a new woman. RESIST THAT.

Learn to be alone. Still, you can get you some play. Don't over think stuff. Don't go catching feelings. Don't be a jerk. Don't be clingy. Be honest. Still, get you some. Also, here is a formula for all you can handle: even if you can't finish because its new, or feel guilty, or whatever, ALWAYS get the lady off. Use your hands or whatever. I guarantee you this will do 3 things.

First, you will get a repeat chance if you want it. If you ring her bell, she will give you another chance.

Secondly, you won't feel inadequate. Whether you finish or not, if you get her off, it will do loads for your ego. If you do get off and fail to get her off, well, that's fairly common. Still, if she sees you making the effort to get her off, she will give you another shot.

Third, if she mentions your night to any single friends, she's gonna point out that she got off and boom, you become a commodity. Don't be a man ho. Still, more will be coming your way.

Relax, enjoy, don't jump back in, don't over think, enjoy, and always get your lady off. In my experience, it guarantees at least 3 more bites of the apple. No one turns down a guaranteed O.


----------

