# Why DON'T you cheat?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

We keep asking cheaters _why_ they cheat(ed). But what I want to know, is why non-cheaters chose NOT to cheat.

It’s obvious that the cheater and the non-cheater are in the same relationship with the same problems. One may choose to cheat and the other does not. 

For me personally, one of the reasons I _don't_ cheat because I'm more committed to the _principle_ of fidelity than to the _person_ I'm with. In other words, I'm committed to _commitment_; and not people. 

Another reason I don't cheat is because I strongly believe in the Golden Rule. I have enough self-awareness to know how *I* would feel if someone cheated on me, so I wont' do it to anyone else. 

So why DON'T you cheat, and what do you do that keeps you on the straight and narrow? How do you keep yourself from cheating?

Vega


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Self respect and respect for my wife and kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

It's wrong and I have a moral compass.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Religion and value system


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I took vows. I have integrity, I have principles. I am not cruel. I'm not a POS.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Because I have a sense of personal honor.

Because I have enough empathy for other human beings to never want to f them over if they have done nothing wrong by me.

Because I have more self-control than an animal. 

I guess in a sense, for me, it kind of boils down to a sentiment Tony Montana (Al Pacino) expresses in Scarface. (Cant remember if this is the quote word for word, but it is the sentiment).

"I got two things in this world, my ba**s and my word and I don't break either of them for anyone."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband asks me this often because he knows I was unhappy for a long time. My answer is how would cheating solve anything? It's a short term solution that causes more problems than its worth and I'm smart enough to know this.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

funny I thought that I would cheat but whenever I had the chance I always declined.

good question .....self respect and respect for my family.

and I've had more than a few chances.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I am accountable to God, my wife, and my children for everything I do. I respect them all. I love them all. I believe in marriage. Even during the rough, affectionless portion of the marriage. Cheating is easy. It's not easy to remain faithful with all the temptations.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Because it would hurt my wife.

And because it would hurt me even more. If I was to do something so drastic as to make my wife divorce me, I'd lose her, she would probably win custody of the kids because the courts always favour the mother unless she is shown to be a bad mother, I'd have to give her half the value of my house or buy her half off her if I wanted to rattle around all alone in a large house that has so far been a bustling family home.

Sex is brilliant, but is it good enough to lose everything for? Really? Sex with someone other than my wife might be quite exciting for a short while, but would it be so much more exciting than it is with the woman who has spent years learning how to please me and who I've spent years learning how to please? If I need thrilling excitement, I can drive my car with excess enthusiasm, or poke a wasps nest with a stick. Every bit as exciting, but without losing everything


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I've had chances.. and I always find I'm afraid to go there. Fear drives me... I like boobs.. I like girls.... I also like myself, and I don't want to live with myself if I go there, so I run from it, I avoid it, I fear it...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I didn't cheat in marriage because I actually loved and liked my husband to where I didn't see anyone else around me. I simply didn't even notice other people.

I don't know. I am not above cheating, it just wasn't on my radar at that time.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

that_girl said:


> I didn't cheat in marriage because I actually loved and liked my husband to where I didn't see anyone else around me. I simply didn't even notice other people.
> 
> I don't know. I am not above cheating, it just wasn't on my radar at that time.


This too.. when you're happy with your spouse, and your M.. you're not even noticing when you're being hit on. You don't need another person to stroke your ego, so you're not looking for it. In my cases, it became obvious too late.. like I was like "huh? your apartment for lunch?... Oh.... uh, how about that little Greek place for kabobs?" (finally realizes what should have been obvious for months.. this one has more than a friendly interest)...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I had more than enough opportunities and in some cases it was offered to me many times, so why didn't I?

Many of the reasons offered in the above posts. Scared that I would be caught. Scared that I might catch something. Scared of having a nut case jealous husband do something crazy, or having seen "Fatal Attraction". Scared that I might get someone pregnant.

After reading TAM I have been educated on how easy it is and I still don't want to go there, I am not wired that way. Have thoughts, he*l yea, but have never acted on those thoughts.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Vega said:


> We keep asking cheaters _why_ they cheat(ed). But what I want to know, is *why non-cheaters chose NOT to cheat.*


You hit the nail right there they CHOOSE not to.

For me it's about honor, duty, respect. Let me explain.

I am a former marine now a seal and for me we were told honor is everything. Your word is all you have in this life and to live with honor you must live up to your word. I was raised this way by a former marine (my grandfather). So for me these words were already truth. I gave my word on the day i married my wife to love, honor, cherish, to forsake all others. My word is my bond and if i am not honorable in my word I am nothing.

I gave my word to god, to my wife, to my family and my friends and nothing and no one is this word is worth breaking that word. I respect my wife and love her. If you love your spouse you would never bring them pain like this from clearly avoidable choices. If you respect you spouse you wouldn't bring them the shame of a husband whose word is no good and who proves by breaking a sacred oath that he is dishonorable and unworthy of her love.

I cherish my wife for the blessing she is and would never blemish that blessing with the stain of a dishonorable husband who can not keep his word.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Cute story for you all--

I was working overseas as a bartender in an Officer's club. One evening, a group of 5 pilots came into the club. Now, fighter pilots have the reputation for being somewhat 'arrogant'. 

We didn't usually provide 'waitress' service, but that evening was slow. I came from behind the bar, and as I approached the table, I was loudly greeted with some "Heeeeey, how ya doin's?" from these guys. I smiled and fired right back, "I'm great today! What can I get you?" 

One of the Captains answered, "Well, you can start off by telling me your name! My name's Captain 'Jones', but *you* can call me "Mike"!" I stuck out my hand to shake his, and I said, "Well it's good to meet you Captain. My friend's call me "Mary", but *_you_* can call me *Mrs.* Vega!" 

His friend's rolled on the floor with laughter, as he turned about 8 shades of red. He was NOT too happy with me...

Good thing _he_ wasn't the one tipping that night! 

The moral of this story is, that one way I prevent cheating is to nip it in the bud before any 'attraction' has a chance to bloom. 

Vega


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Because the second I try, my right hand will know. We've been together for 29 years now. We have no secrets.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vega said:


> Cute story for you all--
> 
> I was working overseas as a bartender in an Officer's club. One evening, a group of 5 pilots came into the club. Now, fighter pilots have the reputation for being somewhat 'arrogant'.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

That was an awesome example of someone with morals and personal boundaries. You shot him down before he make any more advances and showed you were not available to cheat.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> Cute story for you all--
> 
> I was working overseas as a bartender in an Officer's club. One evening, a group of 5 pilots came into the club. Now, fighter pilots have the reputation for being somewhat 'arrogant'.
> 
> ...



Another good observation.. You view this person hitting on you as disrespecting you and your M, so you let them know up front that you're happy and it's not going to happen.. that shuts things down. 

Not giving off the 'vibe' that it's okay to go there.. and I know from experience, this can be a very gratifying experience on it's own. You get the feeling of being desired, without the dirty feeling of reciprocating. You're also proud to have your spouses back, and to protect your M. It feels good. Selfish of you...


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I don't cheat because it's way more fun to be honest..


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Vega said:


> So why DON'T you cheat?


I need an emotional connection before sex is worth anything. I don't have it within me to compartmentalize, so I would have to disconnect from the woman I love. Thus an EA or a PA will always be a Faustian bargain. There's also the fact that every fiber of my being rejects the notion of being a wayward spouse.



Vega said:


> What do you do that keeps you on the straight and narrow? How do you keep yourself from cheating?


I maintain very rigid boundaries. A very attractive women in my running club recently made a pass. I stopped attending for a month, not because of her behavior, but because I was attracted to her as well. I recognize these projections for what they are, and I do not seek the "Magical Other". 

Amazon.com: The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysis, 79) (9780919123809): James Hollis: Books


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I had the chance to cheat. My God it was right in front of me and she was not mincing words about it. Never forget her saying "I'm here anytime you want me". Mind you, I was in a lousy marriage. It was just about toast and little did I know, my wife was having an affair that I knew nothing about. I couldn't go through with it. I have a guilt complex. I would never be able to hide it and if I went through with it, my wife would have known in a instant. Mainly I would have hated myself. Sometimes I think back and being in a terrible marriage with a terrible woman, I should have, then reality bites me in the ass and I go back to who I am. A guy who has a guilt complex who can't hide it. Honestly, I'm glad I do.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> I maintain very rigid boundaries. A very attractive women in my running club recently made a pass. *I stopped attending for a month,* not because of her behavior, *but because I was attracted to her as well*.


Thus proves _again_, that we are not *above* feeling an _attraction_ for someone else. 

You had the self-awareness to know what you were beginning to feel, the foreseeability to know what _could_ happen if you entertained that feeling even a "little", and you had the self-control to take measures to *retard*the fire, before you went down _in flames_...

Now THAT is what I call a "good recipe" for avoiding cheating! :smthumbup:

Vega


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

I choose not to cheat because:

I love my wife with all of my heart and soul.
I love my family.
I've been cheated on. I didn't like it. (understatement)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Personal integrity is all I can offer as an answer - and luck.

My ex certainly motivated me to cheat, and I had opportunity (I tried to avoid situations where temptation could arise). Hurting her in payback for all the anguish she caused me wouldn't have been a problem, either - she'd have deserved it, really.

However, as little as I still respected her, I respected myself. And my self respect led me to divorce her, finally, long after I should have.

Anyway, IMO, no one is immune to cheating. Create the right circumstances of need, motivation, opportunity, and a weak moment, and it could happen to anyone. I am lucky that those factors didn't all coincide at once. I know that IF I had, I wouldn't have had remorse, I wouldn't have wanted reconciliation - I wouldn't have looked back. I would have just gone forward.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

6301 said:


> I have a guilt complex.


_Grrrr_...!

Sorry 6301. My virtual anger isn't directed at *you*; it's about this whole "guilt"...'thing'. 

Why do so many people these days view 'guilt' as a _BAD_ thing? I mean, God forbid if anyone feels guilty about ANYTHING they do these days! Even modern psychology is telling us NOT to feel 'guilty' about some of the things we do! 

I've read about psychologists telling a cheater "It's not your fault!" for cheating, because it had to do with the cheater's 'upbringing'. 

This is so _WRONG_! The cheater SHOULD feel guilty! It's called having a _conscience_! How else is the cheater going to stop cheating unless the consequence of cheating is feeling '_bad_' about themselves? :scratchhead:

Vega


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't run from my problems.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I don't cheat because I own my morality. No one is worth selling that too. I like the seats from my pedestal. 

I have to answer to myself and that is a answer I never want to face. I never want my children to ever think less of me. I never want my legacy to include unfaithful because once you are, no matter, you will always be known as that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Vega said:


> _Grrrr_...!
> 
> Sorry 6301. My virtual anger isn't directed at *you*; it's about this whole "guilt"...'thing'.
> 
> ...


 Vega.

I think it's because it's much easier to heap the blame on someone else or something else to ease the guilt. I never in my life had a problem admitting when I made a mistake. Nothing wrong with stepping up to the plate and taking your lumps when you do something wrong. Now to be clear, I sure as hell can't walk on water but if I'm wrong, well I'm wrong and can sleep better at night because of it


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

My integrity, I would not lower myself to such behavior.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I do not cheat, nor have I ever considered cheating because I truly love my husband.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

6301 said:


> Vega.
> 
> I think it's because it's much easier to heap the blame on someone else or something else to ease the guilt. I never in my life had a problem admitting when I made a mistake. Nothing wrong with stepping up to the plate and taking your lumps when you do something wrong. Now to be clear, I sure as hell can't walk on water but if I'm wrong, well I'm wrong and can sleep better at night because of it


Thanks 6301. I'm going to sum up your post in one word: _Humility_. 

In fact, I'm convinced that this is "THE" major reason the cheater cheats. It's for their _lack_ of _humility_... 

V


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

In my marriages I have never and will never cheat, bottom line is I made my commitment to my spouse on our wedding day.

If I were to fall out of love with them then I would have to address that situation correctly before getting into the pants of another woman.

Although, when I was just dating and working as a travelling plant operator I had a comfort chick at home to do the laundry and keep my occupied at the weekends and basically single Monday through Friday, yes I was a cheater but only by omission, I never actually lied to her I just never gave specifics. We parted company as I was moving on from my depression over the failure of my marriage and the hurt and felt it time to stop living like a juvenile and get back to being an adult.

Since my second marriage I have turned down so many girls it is almost sacrilegious to think about how many guys are in sexless marriages and I have a hot wife and never short of offers in the horse world for a good looking wrangler who can handle a rough ride 

Although my post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/103314-proud-myself-exposing-cheater.html says more about me and where I am in life now.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I didn't cheat because I felt a loyalty to my wife. Any time I give myself like that, I offer my loyalty. I would have stuck with her through thick and thin. No matter what. 

Now? I feel no loyalty, because I was betrayed. In exchange for my loyalty I expect the same. 

Loyalty, or fidelity is a two way street. Each person gives it to the other. When only one person offers their loyalty, and do not receive it in return then they are not bound by it.

In other words, fidelity is conditional on the fidelity of your spouse or significant other. 

It's a contract bound into the marriage vows. Once broken, the contract is void in my opinion. 

So while legally I am married, I do not consider myself married for all intents and purposes. I have no loyalty to my FWW. I do not promise I will be there in 5 hours, much less 5 years. 

I expect nothing in return, because I offer nothing.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I take my vows seriously and would never cheat even tho WS has cheated on me. I have self respect and respect for my WS and the vows I took.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I take my vows seriously and would never cheat even tho WS has cheated on me. I have self respect and respect for my WS and the vows I took.


Do you still have the same respect for your WS? 

I lost all respect for my WS, I treat her with respect for my children around my children but I have none for her.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> _Grrrr_...!
> 
> Sorry 6301. My virtual anger isn't directed at *you*; it's about this whole "guilt"...'thing'.
> 
> ...


.
They won't stop from feeling bad. Heck some don't feel bad at all. They may be done with it when there is a series of negative repurcussions. They may attribute this to their lack of fidelity and lying, and cut it down or cut it out. 

Outside of pain, suffering and some consequences they will just keep right on doing it.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't want to know the wake of guilt that would devour me. Only demons are built for that. Yes. I'm saying cheaters are demonic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> I don't want to know the wake of guilt that would devour me. Only demons are built for that. Yes. I'm saying cheaters are demonic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, for the period of time they are doing it is demonic. Some come out of it...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> .
> Outside of pain, suffering and some consequences they will just keep right on doing it.


Agreed. Maybe we should bring back* stoning? 

Naaaaah! 

(*Yes, I'm aware that stoning for 'adultery' still goes on in various parts of the world. While I don't agree that the penalty for adultery should be _death_, I DO believe that there should be SOME kind of consequence)

Vega


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> I don't want to know the wake of guilt that would devour me. Only demons are built for that. Yes. I'm saying cheaters are demonic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmm....

Not 'demonic', but perhaps '_possessed_'...?

V


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> Agreed. Maybe we should bring back* stoning?
> 
> Naaaaah!
> 
> ...


There is a consequence. Lying and cheating catches up to people, because other people will not tolerate it. You included. So your assistance to your former buddy, lover, friend is to let them go, cut off contact, cut off support, if you want to allow damage to OM/OW, thats fine too. But you can't keep helping them, because then they pretty much are being paid to do it to you.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Yes, for the period of time they are doing it is demonic. Some come out of it...


That is true but I think if we feel that slender margin worth uttering we have entirely too much faith in mankind. Call me cynical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I know how I'd feel about one of my parents if I found out they'd done that. I don't ever want my girls to feel that way about me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> That is true but I think if we feel that slender margin worth uttering we have entirely too much faith in mankind. Call me cynical.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some do come out of it, me included. When I was doing it over 10 years ago, there are entire groups of people who do it, almost like drinking water or breathing air. I've come out of it to see it for what it is, don't want to betray someone I'm supposed to care about like that ever again. 

It would be safe to say in the party world it's a more common occurence. But it even happens in church.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I know the catastrophic price I'll pay for it. You'll do something you can never undo. You lose your personal integrity, the respect of your family/friends, your ability to say you were one of the rare few who had a faithful marriage. You'll see your children ( if you have them) maybe every other weekend. You'll have to pay child support. You may lose your home, and your livelihood...all for what? Some false compliments, some ego stroking, a few seconds of an orgasm.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I know the catastrophic price I'll pay for it. You'll do something you can never undo. You lose your personal integrity, the respect of your family/friends, your ability to say you were one of the rare few who had a faithful marriage. You'll see your children ( if you have them) maybe every other weekend. You'll have to pay child support. You may lose your home, and your livelihood...all for what? Some false compliments, some ego stroking, a few seconds of an orgasm.


It is a lot of pain involved. It's more than a few seconds of orgasm though, it's all the time and pleasure spent with someone. But if you already get this at home it is just stupid to cheat on your household.

If you don't get it at home and it's gone on for too long, try to get someoutside help, if they do not care, your going to have to take on a lover or leave. Ohh, or have your sexual needs be deprived long enough where that portion of you is stripped down and lowered.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I know the catastrophic price I'll pay for it. You'll do something you can never undo. You lose your personal integrity, the respect of your family/friends, your ability to say you were one of the rare few who had a faithful marriage. You'll see your children ( if you have them) maybe every other weekend. You'll have to pay child support. You may lose your home, and your livelihood...all for what? Some false compliments, some ego stroking, a few seconds of an orgasm.


Yes, I completely agree. But those repercussions happen in most divorces anyway, cheating or not. Bottom line for me is my own self-respect. I didn't cheat, but experienced all those effects by divorcing her.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Some do come out of it, me included. When I was doing it over 10 years ago, there are entire groups of people who do it, almost like drinking water or breathing air. I've come out of it to see it for what it is, don't want to betray someone I'm supposed to care about like that ever again.
> 
> It would be safe to say in the party world it's a more common occurence. But it even happens in church.


Agreed. I used to be a Pastor and my ex used to be a dedicated Christian.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It has never once occurred to me to cheat. Not in my marriage or any of the committed relationships I had before marriage. My boundaries are so natural and strong, I guess, that I'm blind to any opportunity. I just don't go there. When I was young, people would laugh about how oblivious I was to other men's interest in me if I was in a relationship. (My H was once amused when I got off an Italian train to meet him & I was followed out of the compartment by three men who appeared to be eager to confirm that I indeed was meeting a man. I could have cared less and paid no attention, but H was a bit taken aback.)

And, you know? Love and romance are exhausting enough as it is. Why would I want to make things even more complicated or messier? Who needs it? Aside from the fundamental issues of honor and integrity, which are paramount, I also don't need the heartburn.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I meant it when I vowed to forsake all others. 

The opportunity did present, but I declined.

Guess I expected too much in return. 

Also, it just goes against my sense of right and wrong.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The temptation has been there before,I actually thought about it but its not how
I was raised.
Having been cheated on and witnessing the damage it does to families and the
sad stories here on Tams I think I can honestly say I'd never to it,even if I was
assured no one would know.
Too many innocent ones get damaged also,from kids to grandparents,the fallout
Is widespread.
The recovery time for most involved takes years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I didn't cheat or would have cheated because of my vows, my word and my respect for my husband. However the only thing left is my vows and my word. And I'm a little confused if my vows mean anything anymore since that contact has been broken and my word isn't any good either. With that in mind I would guess there is nothing from stepping out now but that would not be cheating.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Moral pride.. 

I seen what it did to my mother, I could never put someone else through that pain.. 

I couldn't imagine putting my ex through that pain. Of course she didn't give a sh1t about me though..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> It has never once occurred to me to cheat. Not in my marriage or any of the committed relationships I had before marriage. *My boundaries are so natural and strong, *I guess, that I'm blind to any opportunity. I just don't go there. When I was young, people would laugh about how oblivious I was to other men's interest in me if I was in a relationship. (My H was once amused when I got off an Italian train to meet him & I was followed out of the compartment by three men who appeared to be eager to confirm that I indeed was meeting a man. I could have cared less and paid no attention, but H was a bit taken aback.)
> 
> And, you know? Love and romance are exhausting enough as it is. Why would I want to make things even more complicated or messier? Who needs it? Aside from the fundamental issues of honor and integrity, which are paramount, I also don't need the heartburn.


Cheaters have VERY weak boundaries and crave validation wherever and however they find it...others who have posted in this thread have been or are in unsatisfying marriages..the difference they made the right choice...cheaters go for the quick fix without thinking about the consequences...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My validation is NOT dependent upon how many women I have had sex or orgasms with. The best times I have had with a woman are when she and I have been laughing our heads off WITH our clothes on.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

It's not an issue in my mind

I've had the same opportunities as everyone else but I know the things to do that simply do not make it an option 

Antennae help though - we all have them don't we 

That second that the conversation goes from business to 'general' personal is it isn't it?

That's the first waving flag , albeit in a light way 

And stage two the moment the conversation goes from general personal to 'you and her' 'exclusive' personal - that's the 'bingo'! moment

That's the precise second my antennae are shaking with a beacon going off in my head 

Personally I believe this is exactly the same process for everybody - at this point we all know. KNOW. exactly what has happened in these few seconds

The mark of the true depth to a person is what they decide to do next about it imo 


.....We're all on this forum because of the selfish, entitled, decision that was made about it next aren't we.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I would but no one will have me - according to my WS just after DDay.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Because I love my spouse. That only.
The day I stop loving him, I'm gone. No cheating needed, I don't believe in staying without romance. Just as simple as that.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's more than a few seconds of orgasm though, it's all the time and pleasure spent with someone. *But if you already get this at home* it is just stupid to cheat on your household.


This is the part that I will never understand.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Because I love myself and respect myself too much.

Also I am happy with myself.

No one can make me happier than I already am. No matter how hot or nice they are.

I will never understand how 15 minutes in the sack with someone other than your spouse will ever make your life better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've seen homicide victims. They didn't look like they were having fun.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I've seen homicide victims. They didn't look like they were having fun.


A good reason not to cheat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Seriously, what would I gain? My wife comes equipped with every feature available to any other woman and she already knows what I like. I don't have to sneak, hide, delete phone messages, look over my shoulder, drink or take meds. Adultery involves way more drama and stress than I care to deal with. 
Besides, my wife occasionally cooks. She knows what's in the chow. I don't. Pissing off someone who has a direct line to your gastro-intestinal tract just doesn't make sense. She also has access to my bank accounts. Pissing off someone who has access to your money doesn't make sense.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Seriously, what would I gain? My wife comes equipped with every feature available to any other woman and she already knows what I like. I don't have to sneak, hide, delete phone messages, look over my shoulder, drink or take meds. Adultery involves way more drama and stress than I care to deal with. 
Besides, my wife occasionally cooks. She knows what's in the chow. I don't. Pissing off someone who has a direct line to your gastro-intestinal tract just doesn't make sense. She also has access to my bank accounts. Pissing off someone who has access to your money doesn't make sense.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Some do come out of it, me included. When I was doing it over 10 years ago, there are entire groups of people who do it, almost like drinking water or breathing air. I've come out of it to see it for what it is, don't want to betray someone I'm supposed to care about like that ever again.
> 
> It would be safe to say in the party world it's a more common occurence. But it even happens in church.


The party world is a weird place, I went out last night for some social time and had two women ask to buy me a drink, only problem, both were married. What a huge turn off.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

To tell you the truth, it has never occurred to me to cheat. I have never put my self in a position where that would be an issue. There are other men I find attractive, friendly, nice, but maybe it's just that I never put out that vibe that it's a possibility? 

I am pretty sure, though, that if someone did mistake my friendliness for an invitation for more, I would not be tempted and would make that clear. 

I was not raised that way and have not lived that way since being on my own. I have always ended a relationship before starting a new one. It's not like my parents ever had to tell me to be an honorable person, it's just the way they lived and how we grew up.

It does make me wonder , though, how my WH, who also grew up with loving honorable parents, ended up a cheater. I guess there is something within him that made him feel entitled to it somehow, but I am not sure how/when that happened.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Burned said:


> The party world is a weird place, I went out last night for some social time and had two women ask to buy me a drink, only problem, both were married. What a huge turn off.


Hope you took the free drinks though 

I find it an ego boost as does my wife if something like that happens socially, seriously get laid hard every time it does


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I did. But I wish I didn't.

However, cheat again? No. It would destroy my marriage and hurt my wife.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Hope you took the free drinks though
> 
> I find it an ego boost as does my wife if something like that happens socially, seriously get laid hard every time it does


Sure did, then walked away after one sip with drink in hand. 

I will say the workouts have been paying off, I had more compliments from woman than I had from my stbxw in years.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I didn't cheat because there is this nagging voice in my head whenever the opportunity to do so that says, "STOP. This is wrong!"

Anyway, I have a rule that if a relationship is unhappy you work on it or you leave. Involving a third-party won't make things better. I also know I would feel really guilty and bad about myself if I cheated. I've had to work really hard to have good self-esteem and I know cheating would make me like myself a lot less.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Burned said:


> The party world is a weird place, I went out last night for some social time and had two women ask to buy me a drink, only problem, both were married. What a huge turn off.


Probably blowing their husbands hard earned money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I missed that "cheating" boat. Now that I no longer have my cheater, I no longer have anybody to cheat on.
Not looking for anybody either.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Seriously, I don't think I would know how. I make sure that I never get myself into situations that could hurt my husband or children. It freaks me out to think of another man in my bed; I love my husband that much. Weird huh? Especially when guys are always trying....


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Because I'M married
Because I took vows that I WOULD FORSAKE ALL OTHERS
Because it doesn't make sense. 

BTW Vega, 
Q: How can you tell if there's a fighter pilot in the room?
A: He'll tell you


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> BTW Vega,
> Q: How can you tell if there's a fighter pilot in the room?
> A: He'll tell you


:lol: :rofl:

Good one! I hadn't heard that one before!

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilot?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot!


V.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Vega said:


> :lol: :rofl:
> 
> Good one! I hadn't heard that one before!
> 
> ...


You can always tell those of us who live near/work with Air Force! BTW, the God thing goes for 4th year surgical residents, too...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The vows that I took with my STBXW were rather serious ones, at least from my perspective. They were made to her, to God, to our Church, to our Families and Friends, and to the Community as a whole!

So when she gets up to the Pearly Gates, she'll get the opportunity to convey to the Man Upstairs why it was that she was so very special that the vows of fidelity didn't really apply to her!

And I'm suspecting that her answer should be nothing short of spectacular!*


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Integrity


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

B/c I learned my lessons and will never ever go down that road of bringing that much pain, betrayal, and disrespect to someone, especially myself. 

I was an OW, BS and WS....NEVER AGAIN. I am so disgusted with infidelity and the people that actively engage in it. They have no idea the destruction and damage they are doing.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

From the second I first met my husband, I never wanted another man. Even when we had the worst of our problems. I never wanted another man. Even after I found out he cheated on me, the thought of being with anyone else made me feel sick. Nine days after d-day, after I told him I wanted a divorce, I went out dancing with a girlfriend. I danced with another man. I even kissed another man. I felt sick, nauseated to my stomach. All I could think of was my husband. If I ever developed feelings for someone else, I would end it before I ever acted on them. Cheating is just so wrong and so much against my moral compass I can't see myself every being in a situation where I would do it.

And I thought my husband felt the same


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I've seen homicide victims. They didn't look like they were having fun.


I've seen marriage victims. They didn't look like they were having fun either!


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> You can always tell those of us who live near/work with Air Force! BTW, *the God thing goes for 4th year surgical residents, too...*


..._AND_, narcissists!


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> Integrity


Doesn't this word just _SAY IT *ALL*_? 

Doing the RIGHT THING when no one else is looking. 

My ex was able to have his EA because I TRUSTED him when he was on his computer, a mere 15 feet away from me. 

Had I been looking over his shoulder, he never would have been able to have his EA. 

Yes, he DID (still does) lack integrity.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> B/c I learned my lessons and will never ever go down that road of bringing that much pain, betrayal, and disrespect to someone, especially myself.
> 
> I was an OW, BS and WS....NEVER AGAIN. I am so disgusted with infidelity and the people that actively engage in it. They have no idea the destruction and damage they are doing.


I too have been the OM, WS and BS over the years, I got through the OM and WS phases unscathed but the BS bit was hanging like the balls on a bull until I castrated the bull 

But how the hell do you build integrity?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I don't want to be that person! I have morals and cheating is wrong on so many levels.. I not available to anyone else other then the man I married. Not to mention STD's or worse and getting pregnant and the list goes on and on. I also take my wedding vows seriously


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While I would still be greatly hurt by it, I think that I'd have far greater respect for my STBXW had she just come right out and told me prior to informing me of her request for the impending separation, that there were two other men from her past, that were in her life~other than myself! All while I still believed that we were happily married and living under the same roof!

Keeping it a total mystery from me, even until after the separation as well as the filing of divorce had been made public, choosing just to let me arbitrarily find out about it all through my very own reconnaissance channels, and choosing to remain moot about it even until this very day!*


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> But how the hell do you build integrity?


For starters, you build it by being honest, _even if it wouldn't benefit you to be honest._ By keeping commitments _even when you'd rather be doing something else_, AND not feeling 'bad' about not doing something else. 

By having self-awareness, which means using humility to take a good honest look at your shortcomings, and by utilizing self-control, with the belief that what you're denying yourself TODAY is for the greater good TOMORROW. 

By consistently doing these things whether or not someone else is looking over your shoulder. 

Vega


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> But how the hell do you build integrity?


Also, by making someone else's needs and wants _JUST AS IMPORTANT as your own. _ a.k.a. following the Golden Rule ("Do unto others...")

If cheaters had done this, they never would have cheated. They might have thought, "Hmm...I'm thinking about cheating. If my partner cheats on me, I wouldn't like it, so I shouldn't cheat on _him/her_." This way the cheater isn't making his/her OWN 'happiness' more important than his/her partner's, and not trying to become "happy" at his partner's expense. 

While the unhappy partner may have wanted a divorce --and consequently caused unhappiness in the other partner-- at least the unhappy partner could have left the marriage with integrity. 



Vega


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I had the opportunity to cheat while my XW was in the middle of her affair, unbeknownst to me. 
I was out of town for work, and I met an old classmate. She didn't live too far away, but went to work for a different company. We were facebook friends, and in college we were close friends, but we drifted apart after graduation and getting our first jobs, and going our different ways.

But so here I was, at this convention, a thousand miles away from home and my wife at the time. And I forgot my wedding ring. I don't know how or why, but for some reason my wedding ring didn't make it with me on that trip. 
After a day of work, we go get drinks. Just the two of us to do some catching up. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but she insisted. 
Then way too many drinks later she told me how she missed me. She had a big crush on me in college but it never went anywhere. Never materialized, and then I met someone else. Then I met my XW, and we started dating, and got married. 
Personally, I was thinking "Jeez, it has been 5+ years, there are thousands of other guys out there just like me!"
And then she asked me if I had divorced because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. And because I was slightly tipsy, I asked her why she wanted to know instead of saying I was a happily married man. Stupid decision. 
But she said she kept waiting around in college for me to make the first move, hoping I would ask her out. And when that move never came and graduation came and passed, she regretted being too scared to make it herself. So now, 5+ years later, in Chicago, she decided she would take the risk. 

And I'd be lying if I said it didn't tempt me. She was a cute girl, and she was smart. And I had known her longer than I had known my then wife. 
But I thought back to all the pain infidelity caused in my life. It tore my family in half when my dad cheated. It does nothing but bring destruction. 
So I told her I was happily married to a beautiful wife, and told her that she needed to keep her confidence. Because she would meet a great guy, and get married and have what she wanted. 
And I stayed faithful to my wife that night. And I was proud to say that even when offered the temptation, I could stay faithful. 

I choose to stay faithful because I knew cheating brought only pain to everyone. To your spouse, your lover, your children if you have any, it just brings pain. 
I can still remember the thoughts that went through my mind, because it was the first time the opportunity to cheat was so blatantly put in front of me. I thought of having to tell my wife that I cheated, and how it would tear her heart. I thought of how it would hurt her. 
But instead, I felt better, knowing that I had chosen to stay faithful to her. I could look forward to that plane ride home, thinking of how I would have my beautiful wife at home, and how we would makeup for the lost time. (too bad for the fact she was in the middle of a goddamn affair!) I decided I wouldn't follow in my dad's foot steps, but instead, I would have some morals. 
Too bad my marriage failed anyway. 
But I can hold my head high, and know I didn't falter.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Juicer said:


> *I choose to stay faithful because I knew cheating brought only pain to everyone. To your spouse, your lover, your children if you have any, it just brings pain.
> I can still remember the thoughts that went through my mind, because it was the first time the opportunity to cheat was so blatantly put in front of me. I thought of having to tell my wife that I cheated, and how it would tear her heart. I thought of how it would hurt her.
> But instead, I felt better, knowing that I had chosen to stay faithful to her. I could look forward to that plane ride home, thinking of how I would have my beautiful wife at home, and how we would makeup for the lost time. (too bad for the fact she was in the middle of a goddamn affair!) I decided I wouldn't follow in my dad's foot steps, but instead, I would have some morals. Too bad my marriage failed anyway. But I can hold my head high, and know I didn't falter.*


*Traditional Biblical marital vows almost always include the pledge of "...forsaking all others."*

*When you are so deeply in love with your spouse, to be able to "forsake" the temptation brought about by the presence of another beautiful woman is a reward, in and of itself! You're keeping your pledge to the Heavenly Father that the one that you pledged your undying loyalty to, is indeed, your "one and only!" To do otherwise would be so animalistic, heartless, selfish, and hurtful to almost everyone who heard or respected the tenants of those marital vows!

Speaking for myself, if I would have ever violated those vows that I took before God, I would have dishonored myself before Him, my wife, our Church, our family, our friends, and our community! And the resultant hurt would have known no bounds!

Too bad that my STBXW didn't exactly see it the same way I did! It's pretty evident that she was greatly led by the tingle in her loins for something new and adventurous, much rather than the love in her heart that she had also pledged to me before our very same Creator!
*


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

No one wants to have sex with me - hmmm, have I already mentioned this?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Horizon said:


> No one wants to have sex with me - hmmm, have I already mentioned this?


I think it was mentioned by your WW on or just after DDay?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Self-respect. If I make a promise to commit to someone, I will honour that commitment. If I felt that I could no longer do so, I would rather leave the relationship than dishonour my commitment.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Vega said:


> :lol: :rofl:
> 
> Good one! I hadn't heard that one before!
> 
> ...


Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after 6 months.


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## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> Cute story for you all--
> 
> I was working overseas as a bartender in an Officer's club. One evening, a group of 5 pilots came into the club. Now, fighter pilots have the reputation for being somewhat 'arrogant'.
> 
> ...


My stbx would usually let it be known that she was married but would still suck up the attention she was getting. I like your take on this and if she had been more like this things may have ended up differently.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Because I'm not a selfish person.............


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

karole said:


> Because I'm not a selfish person.............


Sometimes the answers to the hardest questions are so simple...


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

I dont put myself in situations where there's opportunity to cheat. I have my personal boundaries, however I do enjoy looking at the menu.

I've had married women come on to me when I was single, and even then I passed. I didn't want to be the OM.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Another interesting subject. I've had a few opportunities to cheat over the years, especially as I've gotten older. I was kind of a geek and an "ugly duckling" when I was younger, but I've aged very well, look young for my age now, have all my hair, and women seem to notice me more. I spent a handful of years traveling frequently for work while the wife and I were dating and there were always opportunities or open doors, but I never took advantage of them. I came close once while we were dating, but did not. That said, I've known several colleagues who have cheated on their spouse over the years (most never caught).

I guess the main reason I didn't cheat then (and wouldn't do it now) is because I have a fear of getting caught and I have quite a bit to lose with my wife. If I knew for certain that I wouldn't get caught--i.e., some magic genie could guarantee there was no chance of wife finding out, no STDs, no accidental pregnancies with the affair partner, no crazy stalkers, etc--then I probably would cheat. Yea, I know I would actually. And I think 95% of people would as well, given those guarantees.

But I can honestly say that I would never cheat. I have very good self-control and would never put myself in a situation that would jeopardize my marriage.


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## masterclicker (May 16, 2013)

Because I love my wife dearly. We've been married a really long time, and I know her very well. So I know how terribly crushed she would be, and I just couldn't stand to be the cause of that hurt. Besides this, I am still incredibly attracted to my beautiful wife, and OUR intimacy is very satisfying.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> I think it was mentioned by your WW on or just after DDay?


Excellent memory W and quite right. She was on the money. Not only will she not have sex with me but no one else will either. I would like to thank her and all the others for helping me not to cheat


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Excellent memory W and quite right. She was on the money. Not only will she not have sex with me but no one else will either. I would like to thank her and all the others for helping me not to cheat


No one else will have sex with you or with her?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ok, I know this is soo wrong, but it is true;

Prior to discovering my wife’s SA tendencies... I didn’t cheat because of my beliefs in her, the marriage ‘ideal’, and my notions of ‘family unit’. But I was well on my way thanks to a sexless marriage and a normally vicious interaction with my wife; I knew by then that I was on my own and we were entrenched. I had funds stashed I referred to as my hooker fund. 

And after discovering her affairs? Got to say it’s just opportunity. My boundaries and hesitation toward seeking it out keep that demon from being tested. Should a woman that I find attractive pursue me and if she isn’t thrown off by my marital status... I think I would fail that test. So I do somewhat try to be a ‘bubble boy’ as far as how I interact with the opposite sex. There’s been interest, but so far, that talking about my kids and wife tends to ‘throw ice’ on the situation. I fear for myself.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Racer said:


> Ok, I know this is soo wrong, but it is true;
> 
> Prior to discovering my wife’s SA tendencies... I didn’t cheat because of my beliefs in her, the marriage ‘ideal’, and my notions of ‘family unit’. But I was well on my way thanks to a sexless marriage and a normally vicious interaction with my wife; I knew by then that I was on my own and we were entrenched. I had funds stashed I referred to as my hooker fund.
> 
> And after discovering her affairs? Got to say it’s just opportunity. My boundaries and hesitation toward seeking it out keep that demon from being tested. Should a woman that I find attractive pursue me and if she isn’t thrown off by my marital status... I think I would fail that test. So I do somewhat try to be a ‘bubble boy’ as far as how I interact with the opposite sex. There’s been interest, but so far, that talking about my kids and wife tends to ‘throw ice’ on the situation. I fear for myself.


sorry to hear about your tragedy.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It's simply not who I am. There's plenty about myself I don't especially like, but I can say that I'm not a cheater. And I don't tolerate cheating, either. I put my trust in my SO and I expect them to keep it; one whiff of untrustworthiness, and they're gone!

My boundaries are probably much more liberal than those of most people on TAM (I don't judge them for it), I expect SO & myself to know the difference between enjoying someone's company and becoming 'invested' in a relationship.

I have a very close relative who has been a cheater. It's always colored my perception of her. I figure if you're THAT unhappy, then just leave! She tried to tell me how 'happy' she was in her marriage....WHILE SHE WAS CHEATING! She was so happy, she didn't want to divorce. Needless to say, I gave her the 'bytch, please!' look! At least don't lie to me (and yourself)!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Vega said:


> _Grrrr_...!
> 
> Sorry 6301. My virtual anger isn't directed at *you*; it's about this whole "guilt"...'thing'.
> 
> ...


Guilt is good, healthy, useful.

Shame on the motherland, if left to fester is toxic.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I don't like this thread because to me it assumes that the non-cheater will never cheat. I think anyone and everyone has the ability to cheat. Right now we are hurt we are angry over betrayal. But your telling me that it isn't possible to cheat regardless of how you feel now. What if your marriage goes to hell. What if you hit a mid life crysis? I am only going to say that the opportunities I have had to get myself in a compromising situation I passed on because I couldn't bear to see the look of utter pain on my wife's face. Even now after he EA I still could not bear causing her that much pain. That still doesn't mean that the opportunities won't be there in the future.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Don't know about a mid-life crisis, but I left my STBXH after 19 years of marriage; I was in my 50s.

Had no desire to cheat. Did have a desire to have a loving reciprocal relationship with a man (not a self-indulgent over-aged adolescent). Could have cheated if I wanted to, but I never wanted to. I'd rather have my self-respect and walk away for a better future (whether that is alone or with someone else). 

I'm old enough to know better than to say "never", but I just can't imagine a scenario where I would cheat if I didn't cheat during 19years of a pretty crappy marriage.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a puppy?
> A: A puppy stops whining after 6 months.


:lol: 

Three fighter pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. 
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks." 
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks." 
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks." 

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them. 

Vega


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

My vows, I have to render an account before God, my child, my personal integrity. 

Most of us BS chose our spouse in
part because they shared our moral views. When we find out that they don't (I'm referring mainly to WS who leave for one or more AP and show no remorse), it's shocking and disorienting.


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## Eleftherios (Aug 15, 2013)

Because I love myself. And living a lie will eat away at your soul. Leaving just an empty shell.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Why DON'T you cheat?*



Eleftherios said:


> Because I love myself. And living a lie will eat away at your soul. Leaving just an empty shell.


I wish I didn't learn this the hard way. So fvcking true.......!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> I wish I didn't learn this the hard way. So fvcking true.......!


Well once you wake up you will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

MicroStorm said:


> I guess the main reason I didn't cheat then (and wouldn't do it now) is because I have a fear of getting caught and I have quite a bit to lose with my wife. If I knew for certain that I wouldn't get caught--i.e., some magic genie could guarantee there was no chance of wife finding out, no STDs, no accidental pregnancies with the affair partner, no crazy stalkers, etc--then I probably would cheat. Yea, I know I would actually. And I think 95% of people would as well, given those guarantees.


I am sure there are a fair few people who would cheat without a second thought if there was a guarantee they would not get caught or have any other nasty repercussions.

But please don't project your lowly standards onto me, thank you.

If that truly is the only reason you don't cheat, then you have no integrity and you're almost as bad as those who do cheat.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

treyvion said:


> No one else will have sex with you or with her?


How can I put this with any subtlety? hmmmm....in my estimation just about any man, given half the chance would boof my WS. She looks alright :smthumbup:, even to me.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I guess the main reason I didn't cheat then (and wouldn't do it now) is because I have a fear of getting caught and I have quite a bit to lose with my wife. If I knew for certain that I wouldn't get caught--i.e., some magic genie could guarantee there was no chance of wife finding out, no STDs, no accidental pregnancies with the affair partner, no crazy stalkers, etc--then I probably would cheat. Yea, I know I would actually. And I think 95% of people would as well, given those guarantees.>>

<<I am sure there are a fair few people who would cheat without a second thought if there was a guarantee they would not get caught or have any other nasty repercussions.

But please don't project your lowly standards onto me, thank you.

If that truly is the only reason you don't cheat, then you have n..o integrity and you're almost as bad as those who do cheat.>>

Hard to tell if Microstorm is just being honest about himself or just trying to stir something up here, but I am with Robsia on this one.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Robsia said:


> I am sure there are a fair few people who would cheat without a second thought if there was a guarantee they would not get caught or have any other nasty repercussions.
> 
> But please don't project your lowly standards onto me, thank you.
> 
> If that truly is the only reason you don't cheat, then you have no integrity and you're almost as bad as those who do cheat.


Yup.. the 'fear' thing with me, was the fear that I'd always know, and couldn't keep it from myself.. I'd have to live with it. So the whole guarantee of anyone knowing might be true for some, but for others it's fear of more than just STDs.. that weighs in too, sure.. but the real fear is the fear of 'going there', doing something you'd regret the rest of your life. Disrespecting yourself.. You can't hide from you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Horizon said:


> How can I put this with any subtlety? hmmmm....in my estimation just about any man, given half the chance would boof my WS. She looks alright :smthumbup:, even to me.


Do you realize your estimation that no one would have you diminishes your confidence and sexual attractiveness?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I choose not to cheat primarily because to an extremely strong internal reverence to our Heavenly Father, and for the grand institution of marriage itself, which He himself has ordained.

If I ever see a married couple, or see how lovely, alluring and beautiful that a woman might be who is donning a wedding band, the only thing that I really see is "a marriage" of a beautiful loving couple that God has so richly blessed through their serious, heartfelt and loving vows to each other! 

And to even give due consideration to bringing an intervention into this blessed union of theirs, no matter how well intentioned, would ultimately bring serious pain to both of them, as well as to their families, friends, and community; not to even mention the cheater! Is that really worth it? Does one simply place their carnal desires over the inherent intent in honoring God's marital and fidelity ordinance?

That's when I just sit back and smile and thank God so very much for all of His loving work that is so visibly inherent in this vast world of His!

"What God has joined together, let no man put asunder!"*


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## JessieP (Feb 28, 2012)

As someone who's been cheated on and has many opportunities to cheat in the past.....my reasons for not cheating are pretty simple. I made a promise in front of my family and friends that I would love and cherish this man until "death do us part"......sadly when he cheated on my he died in my eyes.....can't say I wouldn't cheat on him in the future if the opportunity ever presented itself again but I used to believe in the sanction and the innocence of marriage...now not so much.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

im_tam said:


> Religion and value system


This question seems to be reverberating in my thoughts. Why don't I cheat.

I have 2 kids with the youngest just a few months old.

My sex life would easily qualify as non-existent.

Got married and the first few years were sexless. We did indulge in heavy foreplay with my wife attaining the big o. I would get nothing in return and like a nice guy I would consider it fine. For a long time I assumed that things will get better. If I loved her a little more, helped her a little more....everyone has heard this story.

I now realize that the birth controls pills given to her as part of treatment for her pcos could have dulled her needs.

In my depression I let myself go. Food became a friend. But I finally woke up and did a radical change in my lifestyle.
Took up a very healthy interest in myself. Today while I still weigh a lot, I am considerably healthier than most people in my office and apartment.

We have sex when she wants. Which is not a lot. The last time we did piv was the one which got her pregnant. She did help me have an o a couple of weeks back.

I sometimes consider why don't I just say damn it let me get something on the side.
Its not very difficult to find a willing partner.

If all the women find me disgusting, I could just pay my way thru.

But I still don't do it.

I have to look in the mirror. Cheating on my wife would end up making me loose the last bit of self esteem I have.

I will not do it to myself.

I have not much hope that she will suddenly change and start understanding that as a person I have needs.

I feel sad for her as well. she could have such a good time, but she has chosen a life where the husband is slowly but steadily killing his need for her. I think in a few years we would have gone so far away from each other that only a memory of happiness will remain.

If I did not have kids, maybe it would have been easier. I want my kids to have a happy house. I work for it with my roommate.


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