# the worst pain ive ever endured, came from him



## candii (Jan 22, 2009)

where do i begin. my husband i have only been married for 1 month and a half now. i think it is partially my fault for being in this predicament. but anyway, about four months prior to our marriage, he dropped a few bombs on me. i logged into his email account only to find out about a young lady whom he spoke of as a friend in the past. she and he appearantly kissed and she was very much into him but it didnt seem to be reciprocated. I confronted him about it and he denied it for a while. MY soul wouldnt let it sleep and i told him to stop lying to me or else i would leave. he said many things i wasnt expecting. Sooo, he kissed her, recieved oral a few times from a female he convinced me was platonic, and had sex with another one. the sad part is that these women attend the church he ministers at. at first, i told him it was over, but then i thought i could move past it. i was due to move up to him. at this point, after losing everything in my past home, i had nothing to lose. i moved up to the state he lived in and we got married. naively, i thought i could move past it because at the time, the trauma didnt hit home just yet. 
We've been working through this but i wasnt allowed to infrom anyone of this issue becuase he didnt want anyone to know about his indiscretions. so i was left feeling alone for months. (we couldnt afford a therapist.) 
After a while, i felt as if i could get through it and i started to trust him again, slllloooowlyy. 
Just about four days ago, he informed he how a female from his job was interested and he was explaining his voctory by telling her that he couldnt go out to lunch with her and they had to stop talking becuase it seemed as if feelings could develop. 
I was really happy, until the next morning, i picked up his phone to call someone and on the front screen was an email conversation the had. she expressed how attracted to him she was. his reply gave me very mixed feelings.

he responded: "i think you are sexy, funny, and fun to be around. i want you... in every way you can think of..... but i am in a committed relationship."
my trust flew right back out the window. to me, it seemsed as if he was saying no, but still trying to leave the door open. so now, we ar bak to square one.

he has locked me out of his phone and says i should stay out of his personal business. 

im already trying to deal with the women i have to treat respectfully at our church, but now i am simply scared about his judgement. im tired, already....... but i want to work it out.


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Why on earth did you marry this man???? People don't magically change because they marry. He is a church pastor? His behaviour is appalling. Perhaps if the elders knew what he has been up to or other members he would be tossed out on his ear. I rarely like to give this advice to people but LEAVE NOW before you get pregnant. This person is despicable and he won't change honey. You deserve better than this. What if he gives you a STD or HIV? That's something you don't even want to think about. Love yourself enough to cut your losses and walk away clean. 
Take care


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

it's pretty common for sexual predators to use cover of respected positions of authority as they cruise for sexual partners.

Ministers are notorious for this.

You should get out while you can and expose this fraud for what he is.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

candii said:


> he responded: "i think you are sexy, funny, and fun to be around. i want you... in every way you can think of..... but i am in a committed relationship."


Just from what you've written i think this guy is a real jerk. 

You need to take care of you. If you need to talk about this, then talk about it. My H didnt want me talking about his porn addiction either, but that's too bad. I needed help and support from others. 

You're going to be crushed, and im so sorry for you. i hate this guy, and i dont even know him. do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and dont worry about him.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

candii said:


> he responded: "i think you are sexy, funny, and fun to be around. i want you... in every way you can think of..... but i am in a committed relationship."


Everything he said prior to "but" was completely inappropriate for a married man to say, and hearing you've only been married 1.5 months and he is a church pastor, it's appalling. I agree, it was his way of leaving the door open.


candii said:


> he has locked me out of his phone and says i should stay out of his personal business.


So he is making it pretty clear that he does not care whether you trust him or not. With all of the sexual encounters before you married and now this, he should be more than willing to let you check his phone, email or whatever in order to rebuild your trust in him. Honestly, he is setting the stage for this marriage where he does what he wants and it's none of your business...is this what you really want? Wanting this to work out is understandable but if it were me, it would require a lot of change in behavior on his part (living open book and showing that he is really committed to you and this marriage) because I could not live with constant worry and mistrust in my husband (which is your case is totally warranted at this point).

If I were in your situation, I would get myself sorted from a security standpoint, get the marriage annulled and move on.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> If I were in your situation, I would get myself sorted from a security standpoint, get the marriage annulled and move on.


:iagree:


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

what are you doing he doesnt even care that he has hurt you and continues to do so?


----------

