# Am I co-dependent



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So it's been about a month since I broke up with ex girlfriend, week and a half since I moved out. We were together for two years, lived together for six months.

I find myself sometimes wanting to call her or talk to her but I think it's more about the validation I crave, then actually talking to her now. I know that whatever she would say I would have problems believing anyway. While we were dating I felt like she was my best friend, but in thinking back I think we were more just dependent on each other for daily life.

She had problems with making decisions, so I was the one that would make the decisions, where to eat, what movie to go to, all sorts of stuff. I liked when she would ask me for my advice on things, but it was also rough to have to make all the decisions.

I find now that she is gone, and I don't have that person to talk to every day it's tough for me to make decisions. To just make the decision and do it. I know it's what I have to do, and it will be empowering but it feels scary you know to not have someone to bounce an idea off. I think what I crave is someone to make the decision for me, to validate to me that yes this is the right decision. Even before breaking up, and after breaking up I would seek validation from my family and close friends, "Did I do the right thing? Will everything be okay?

I really want to break free from this cycle. I have no problems making decisions for my children, but when it comes to me I feel like I need someone to hold my hand. 

Maybe it's part of the separation anxiety, I don't know. Would like other peoples opinions though.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Okay...the wounds are still weeping through the stiches.
You need to relax and let them knit before you start itching them.

Try to aim for a calm space and distract yourself for a few days. There will be plenty of time to ask these questions in the future. Right now you need to heal and you need to let the love drugs leech out of your system.

You may indeed be codependant...but right now is not the best time to slap a label on yourself. 
Poeple in stressfull situations often exhibit symptoms that can be called by many clinical names. They usually call these "Situational _____". 

Just relax and catch your breath first.
If you are itching to dive into something try "Co-Dependant No More". Search Amazon in the book section.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Idk if you're co-dependent, but it sounds like you're just experiencing the normal feelings after a breakup - romanticizing your ex, wanting to talk to them maybe, and missing companionship. 

Give yourself some time.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I remember when we first separated 8 months ago, some very difficult things for me were:

1. I got hired at a new job. I was super excited, but very sad that I couldn't share the news with my husband. He'd been with me the whole time I was going to interviews, stressing about why I wasn't being hired, etc.
2. My daughter (who is 2 now) was learning new words, doing new actions. I felt so sad that I couldn't share that parenting joy with my husband.

At the time, these things were so painful.
Now, I didn't even remember them - until I read your post. My point is, things will get easier, but you need to give it time. Time and space and peace to heal yourself.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Codependent refers to an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship...typically an impulsive, addicted, abusive, or other demonstratively destructive individual paired with a partner who tried to fix, rescue, makes excuses, passive aggressively controls, and enables their partner. While both are codependent, being "codependent" typically refers to the latter individual. 

Basically, the addict half can't get his/her stuff together and relies on the "fixer" to clean up his/her messes...the fixer or "controller" half loses all autonomy and identity, wholly obsessed with their partner who is out of control.

Anyway...here are signs of codependency.

"You enable your partner’s unhealthy behaviors, and they enable yours.

You minimize your needs and preferences.

Instead of growing together, you deteriorate together.

You feel increasingly bad about yourself.

Your mood and self-respect are dictated by your partner’s mood and behavior.

You feel devalued or disrespected by your partner.

You feel frustrated or angry about how you’re being treated but you don’t speak up. Instead you “waffle between fight — getting into conflicts — or flight — keeping [your feelings to yourself]."

You feel ashamed and embarrassed about what’s really going on in your relationship."


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So one thing I was proud about when we were dating was that I didnt put my ex girlfriend on a pedastal. Now that we are broken up I feel like I have. She was a very beautiful person but I feel like now im over doing it in terms of how attractive she is. Only focusing on the positive of the relationship etc. This was the part that kept me stuck while recovering from my divorce. I dont think I fully took the time to be single after my divorce. I have a confidence problem so I sought out dating to help with validation. Ive not seen her or talked to her in two weeks but I find I have problems staying in the moment. Im allowing my past to keep me stuck.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Why did you break up with her? Was it because of her indecisiveness?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yes and she was childless and had problems understanding kids had to come first


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

proudwidaddy said:


> Yes and she was childless and had problems understanding kids had to come first


So, you think you perhaps put her on a pedestal....do you mean you overlooked those red flags for too long? Let the problem fester then, without confronting her?

I guess I am trying to make codependent connection. It could be possible if you realize you handle the issues more passive than directly. But I am also interested in what was the last straw.

Most true codependents make a break when their partner actually starts getting more healthy and interdependent...as opposed to relying on your for constant guidance.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

This is terribly interesting to me. I've labeled myself codependent for a while now but seeing it framed the way it is here, I don't think I am. Needy, yes. 

I think maybe you're doing what I did, focusing in on the part of codependance that says you define yourself by the other person. I got wrapped up in that part of my reading.

Formerself really seems to get it!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Formerself,
The last straw came when she sent my kids a text message that stated the reason we weren't able to make our relationship work was because the kids mom couldn't keep her nose out of our business. My kids are 11 & 8. Now while my ex wife did make it difficult for us, this was by no means the reason behind the break up. 

My ex gf did not have kids, and I just don't think she was ready to deal with the kid lifestyle. If she was having a good day I think she was okay with the kids ( I had the kids three nights a week). She also dealt with anxiety and one of her ways for dealing was drinking. Not a good situation. 

She didn't understand that there were things I would do for my kids that to her looked like I was protecting their mother when I was protecting the kids. She wanted me to also account to her my decisions that I did for my children. And I wasn't going to battle every single thing with my ex wife. My ex gf was very confrontational. 

As for why I think I might be co-dependent is I feel that I'm regressing in my moving forward. I've not seen or talked to her for fourteen days. Ive had to move in with my parents right now because I lost my job as well. It's been a crazy year. This puts me further away from my children right now. 

I understand their are a lot of unhealthy dynamics we had in the relationship. If my ex gf does have a problem with alcohol I know just me loving her enough wouldn't fixed it. She has to want to change. And I don't think she would every truly adapt to the kids family style as much as she loved them.

I have her on this pedestal. Maybe I have low self esteem but I felt I connected with her in ways that I never did with my ex wife. Like at one point I felt part of the reason I was to get a divorce was so at the point in my life when my ex gf came in we would be together. 

maybe it is the whole "I'll never find another person that loves me the way she did, or thinks I'm as attractive as she did" I know I have to validate myself and not rely on others, but the nights and mornings are the hardest. We were breaking up and getting back together every three or four months. Not a healthy relationship but I've never in my adult life really been on my own.

I was with my ex wife for eleven years, as soon as the divorce was final I was dating. If I got broke up/or broke up with someone I would rush to the next relationship. I never learned how to be single and be happy. I would rely on others to give me happiness.

I'm really also missing the affection. I am an affectionate person, and when living with her we would cuddle eveyr night in bed. I crave that so much right now. I almost feel like I'm going through a withdrawl.

I know how to take care of myself, my children, etc. I just don't know how to emotionally be reliant on myself, be okay being single and not thinking it's some sort of disease.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That feeling of love is like the high from a drug so, yes, you are going through withdrawal. It's a process and it takes time. 

You seem to rush far too quickly into relationships. Learn to be by yourself so you don't depend on someone else for validation. If you don't, you'll likely keep making mistakes with your choices.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Openminded I will be taking lots of time going forward. As I write this I am having some vivid flashbacks of times we were intimate together and it hurts so bad


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know. It's really difficult to move on. Time helps but seems to go by so slowly. But you'll get there!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The night time is the worse. For all of our faults we showed physical affection towards each other really well. I miss not cuddling with her as we fall asleep


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

proudwidaddy said:


> Formerself,
> The last straw came when she sent my kids a text message that stated the reason we weren't able to make our relationship work was because the kids mom couldn't keep her nose out of our business. My kids are 11 & 8. Now while my ex wife did make it difficult for us, this was by no means the reason behind the break up.


THAT right there is reason enough to get TOTALLY PIZZED!

Use this anger! She USED your kids as tools to manipulate the situation and trashed their MOTHER.

TOTALLY UNCOOL.

She is willing to do this, can you imagine what she might have done in the long term?
The kids are your priority.

Laugh if you want, but I think in a certain way, your ex did you a favor....It's okay though, you dont have to thank her.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@SamuraiJack,
Trust me on the nights when I get lonely or wish I had her still laying next to me I remember the kids. I remember that her actions cost me a night with them. That I had to move out of the apartment, and up to my parents house (which is almost two hours away until I'm back on my feet) and that I don't get to see the kids as much right now for overnights because of this. That a woman who loved my kids and loved me would not have done that. 

She didn't respect me as a father if she could do that. She didn't respect me enough that when I said I wasn't going to fight this battle with my ex wife that she knew what I was talking about. 

She was single, no previous marriage, no kids. She wanted me to fight every battle, She didn't understand compromises had to be made. 

Then at the end how she would pick little battles with me, to "test me". I'm not a high schooler, I don't need to be tested. A healthy relationship should not have that. She should know I love her that I would've done anyting for her except give up my kids. 

Once I get my own place and learn how to be responsible for my emotional needs. I'll be all good.


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