# 1 More Q. Please, How are you guys dealing with kid's events??



## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry, but you guys are the experienced ones...

How are you guys dealing with your ex and your children's events. I cant imagine going to any of my children's special moments and having to see my ex there with his new younger wife and watching them fawn over each other.... I am now terrified of the days of my kids' school plays, graduations, their weddings, and everything in between. Dont misunderstand how much i love my children or what they mean to me, but i dont know if i can do it. Watching him with his younger wife and their kids - while Im lonely and bitter (and old). 

Has anyone decided to forgo a special event to not deal with their ex?

Any words of wisdom on how to avoid the pain?


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

HBHG,

No words of wisdom oother than suck it up. 

I go to everyone because it shows support for your child. I think that is the most important thing.

Most of the time we do not sit together. She is dating an old friend which makes it that much more awkward.

Shoeguy


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

my stbxw is never on time for any of the kids stuff so I'm not that worried about it. I stopped saving seats for her a long time ago. lol


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

HBHG,

I did not intend to be harsh. Hopefully it didn't come accross that way.

I beleive it is just one more thing that you will get through and you shouldn't worry yourself about it now. It is tough at first and I think we both felt obligated to sit next to each other early on. After you get a couple events under your belt it gets a lot easier. Just try and enjoy the event becasue your kids are only young once.

Shoeguy


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Shoeguy, 
you were not harsh, just honest and you are right. Its about the kids. Schoolplays and such i guess i can get there early and sit upfront and far away then meet them at the car after they speak to their father.

But weddings and such i still dont know. see part of the problem is he wants 50/50 custody he works 60+ hour weeks. His "plan" is to have the "new wife" watch them after school everyday because i will have to go back to work, and i can handle seeing him -alone. Its the idea of this woman trying to take my place, and having to see them in all their happiness (im sure she'll be not just young but also gorgeous) 

and honestly the other part to this is i cant seem to stop beating myself up, what i should have done different, being lonely, being old and frumpy next to his new yooung wife, i could go on - but im sure you more than got it by now

I cant imagine being able to do it, and everytime i do the tears start all over again... I never thought our marriage would end by divorce.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

How old are your kids? I guess you just suck it up. I'm in a similar situation to you, where my ex married a 22 year old affair partner (he's 40) and now they are having a baby. So, my point is she ain't going away any time soon, so I'd better deal with it as my kids are only young once, and they are MY kids. Not hers. Will I deal with it well? I don't know. I have yet to have to be in the same place with her and him. I imagine after the first time I will cry, then maybe it will get easier. If I don't kill her first  
As to weddings, etc. too far in the future to stress about. I'm hoping by then he'll just be a bump in the road of life.

In all seriousness, I just have to deal with it. My kids need me to be at their events, just as they need their dad there.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I understand your anxiety. These events are fraught! Our daughter is involved in high school theater, and there are many shows to attend. My worst night was last January. I was standing in the crowded lobby before the show, waiting for my sister, when my STBXH walked right past me with a woman on his arm. I saw him, he saw me, and he swept on past without a nod.

I was devastated. Had I not been waiting for my sister, I'm certain I would have burst into tears and fled the school. And I would have missed my daughter's show. But I bit my lip, sucked it up, and carried on. And guess who swept back out afterward, without saying a word to our daughter, leaving her standing in the lobby near tears? "Where's daddy? Didn't he come to my show?" What a guy.

You do indeed need to suck it up. I know where you are right now - hurt beyond endurance, frightened, confused, feeling worthless, discarded, like something he scraped his shoe on. 

Let anger in. Make room for anger. Make a hell of a lot of room for anger. Let it fill you up. Anger motivates, keeps us moving and functioning. I find it very useful, whenever I start feeling the paralysis that fear and loss cause, whenever I start feeling old and used up and "less than". 

Do everything you possibly can for yourself and your healing. And do everything you can to change your negative self-talk. And believe me, I know how hard this is. I can endlessly play the loop in my head of all the horrid things he said to me, all the heartless criticisms. They penetrated, they still cause pain, but they are diminishing. And what helps me to move beyond his voice is the anger. 

Someday, perhaps the anger will fade and he will become nothing to me. Then I will have reached the place of peace. But right now I'm in anger, and my mantra is "F**k you, Jim. F**k you, Jim". It keeps me moving, and is far healthier for me than the place of fear. It's a step upward.

So when the time comes for a school event that you must attend, try to find someone who can go with you. Another mom, someone from church? It helps to have a companion. And if you must go alone, you can do it. Put on your sharpest clothes, your makeup, and walk in like you own the place. If you see him, nod in his direction and turn away. Hold your head high, and don't let that a**ho** see you bleed. Don't give him that power. He is nothing. He is less than nothing. Scrape your shoe on him and walk away.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I have two daughters 14 and 16. I seperated from my ex 18 month ago. My youngest is very active in sports. I made it a point to go to all the games (I missed one or two). She does volleyball, basketball, track and horse shows. So there have been lots of events so far.

The ex and her BF, which I have known for 10 years would come right up and sit with me in the beginning. Then I decided to arrive a little later and then pick a seat not near them. some place I felt comfortable and my daughter could see me. At the end I would go and talk with her and then sometimes I'd have to say hello to my ex but that was it and I left. So my suggestion is to arrive after him and pick a seat somewhere you are comfortable with.

I have pushed the thoughts of what will happen at weddings becasue who knows when they get married and what has happened in my life. Heck maybe you will have a stud 25 year old to take to their wedding.:smthumbup: Put that thought in your head. 

Time really heals a lot of what you are going through. I too sat and spun ideas in my head on how I would handle X or Y when it came up. Truth was when X arrived I just went with the moment and made decisions on how to handle the situation and it was completely different than anything I had worried about.

Worrying about the future seemed to rob me of time to spend on making positive changes in my life. It took me awhile to stop worrying so much but a close friend of mine actually told me I seem to be in a lot better place than I was prior to the divorce. That really had a nice ring to it. Something must be working. 

Good luck, it is tough but stick around and vent that helps too.

Shoeguy


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I attended my older daughters high school graduation and my ex was their i knew she would their i really dont care about her what she does or doesnt do my wife of 12 yrs went with me and I am glad I went to support my daughter I would not avoid anything just because of yr ex your their to support your children which is the most important thing imo


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

*Solitude*, your words and encouragemnet are really helpful right now- i dont care what you write you just come across calm and like you got this under control. PLEEEAAASEEEE keep it coming. 

*Shoeguy*, thanks for the advice -guess im freakin out cause i have 4x all these events, our oldest is 11 youngest is 5 and our kids do very well in school so they are constantly recognized and active in school -so you see a very long time still to go for me, having to deal with this  

p.s. 25 is too young! i think that would make me go from cougar status to a cradle robber!! lol.... But boy, i like the way you think... I can just picture his face if that ever happened... fun to imagine anyway! I actually made reference to hopefully finding someone new - can you believe he had the nerve to get upset?!? Its all fine and dandy for him to move on... he doesnt even think of me being being able to find someone else. 

*In the wind* I think it could be handled better if you are with someone else but i dont see it happening for me. So im dreading what lies ahead.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

I remember going to my kid's first school play after my ex-wife had remarried her OM she'd been having an affair with. Her mother, sister, my ex-brother in law were all there too for some reason. I brought my mum along for emotional support and also because I didnt like how she was missing out on my kid too. I said hi and kept it business polite at all times. Acting self-confident but considerate, they may have thought I was in a relationship and really didnt care about them, which is ideal. I made sure my kid knew I was there and I gave him a hug at the end and we talked. Afterward my mum and my ew-wife spoke together and so did we all including me and her new husband. Try not to think of the past at all, it cant do much good and can sabotage the present. I think the only thing you can do is not let the social situation bother you at all (at least in front of them). Try to have a laugh and enjoy the moment with your kid. If you get home and want to scream into a bag its understandable but yeah believe me if you cause a scene or make someone feel uncomfortable it will be easy for them to label you a monster and it will be remembered in future and all of a sudden you will be viewed in that context like it was always so.


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