# He doesn't want a divorce but he's initiated proceedings. What?



## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hello lovely people
I'm really confused and would appreciate your good perspective, as always.
My husband and I had some conversation today, things were getting pretty emotional and I could sense I was about to start crying. He wants to meet to discuss how we're going to proceed with the divorce, splitting assets etc.
I'm finding the whole process incredibly devastating, considering I didn't want any of it, and the fact that the issues between us are to do with things I couldnt control - or didnt know how to manage. I've missed him so terribly and would love us to be able to have our marriage together - things are so different now and the issues that were concerns for him are no longer present as before.
All the pain of separation has been brutal and miserable, for both of us, though we continued to live life struggling through the stages of grief, suicidal thoughts and all horrible emotions.
In our conversation today, I told him I didn't want anything from the divorce, just what I brought to the marriage, that I didn't want any of this and I didn't want to be divorced. I told him I'm only going along with the proceedings because he wants it, that i cant stop the process that he's started
He seemed to struggle a bit with this and he said he didn't want any of it either - we're going through a process that neither of us wants and we don't know what's going to be the outcome 
I am really confused, this seems so STUPID, what's it all for? 
Why?
My brain is melting ........
Help me understand, please!
Hugs
Peppy x


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, but I think you'll have to give more specifics about why you're divorcing if you want any useful advice. 

C


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

What were the issues that caused the split in the first place? And how have they been resolved?

More info is needed. Otherwise we're just guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Thanks for the questions.
I'll try to keep it simple!
We had issues with my husband being jealous of my relationship with my daughter, she was 15 when we married, her father is very involved in her life although he lives in Europe.
His jealousy caused him to feel he was second best to her, in my mind this was just silly because it wasn't true. I tried to reassure him that this wasn't the case even if it was how he felt. Lots of husbands are jealous of their new baby's arrival and I was aware this might be a concern for us.
I didn't expect that I'd have to start living a life with him and a life with my daughter, I had separate relationships with them both and she was particularly difficult hitting the text book rebellious teenage attitude hormones and attitude.
It was bloody awful. My husband became intimidating and bullyish, demanding and angry (some of these are in his personality), I felt he didn't support me, or my daughter as a family and I felt he was often going against me for the sale of being difficult. though I think now that there's been a bit of space between us, this is a way he copes if he feels afraid.
We've been through some really tough times, and I knew he had some demons around insecurity, being vulnerable and needing protecting. 
Long story short, I started to have a breakdown a couple of years ago over the incredible stress I had around work, my relationship with him and me feeling really alone in my marriage, along with my demanding daughter and their dreadful relationship - I hit a personal crisis. 
I started sleeping in another room, just for a few nights, my husband asked me to go to therapy then. I asked him to let me think about things, I was in a bubble of distress and I didn't know how to do anything, talk, say what was wrong, anything. I was in a very very dark place and really confused and incapable of functioning well. I kept telling him I was in a crisis. I didn't know how to explain it or to say it differently
Some days later I came home from work and he'd deserted me. Needless to say the shock was enormous and I spiralled into a depression, I never heard a word from him for a long long time after that.
I struggled through the days, missing him, I wrote to him,mbut he ignored me and yes, he was having an affair just on the cusp of him leaving us.
It's been just a few months age we started talking, we're working on our friendship, spending some time together - I've been encouraging him to explain what was going on for him when he left me.....
Sometimes the conversation goes around in a circle without a resolution but it's good to have openness and some kind of understanding and empathy for each other
Take care
Peppy


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

OK, your second message provides quite a bit more information than your first. 

To sum up:

You married him and you have a teenager.
The blending of your new family (you, husband/stepdad, teenage girl) was quite difficult
Husband kinda blamed you for not making him a priority, when really a mom's priority really should always be to her child
Husband had an affair

And now....you're not sure if he actually wants the divorce he's seeking?

I'm confused.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately, there were red flags that made the relationship not viable. Love does not care about logic, and what is best. He was simply not mentally healthy enough for a marriage. Instead of working on the problems, he ran away from it all. He had an affair to escape, and to make himself feel good. He did not have to face and deal with himself.

You simply did not have a real partner. It was more about him. You tried to please him and your daughter and ended up overwhelmed. Instead of him being supportive, he made demands of you. A really insecure and jealous person will always make things more about what they are feeling, instead of what you are feeling also. I am sure he heard you, but for him, it was always more about him. Whether this is true or not, your daughter may of have picked up on his vibe that he did not want her around. Kids are highly perceptive, and you need to talk to your daughter to find out how she felt, what she observed. Perhaps, that can give you more pieces to the puzzle.

As for him wanting the divorce, it is just another escape most likely. He probably has not dealt with his past, and it may be easier to run away again. Because, for a relationship to work, he will have to deal with his part in the downfall. Another possibility is that he wants the marriage to end, and will make excuses so he does not feel guilty. Whatever the case, it is time to detach and move on. Give him what he wants, and seek help for yourself. Next time when you fall in love, detach and analyze. If you let your logic rule over your feelings, you most likely would not be in this mess. If you broke-up in the past instead, you likely would not be hurting as much as you are now. If you need to go on antidepressants to deal with it for now, please see a doctor. Other wise, greive now, and express the pain. Slowly over time, the pain will decrease as you learn to adapt to your new reality.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Thank you for your replies, imreally appreciate it 
I understandnwhatmyou are saying too Mr Fisty and I always enjoy your unadorned perspective.
I agree that my husband has not taken any responsibility for his part in the downfall of our marriage. I am so distraught that he doesnt want to see that i understand his feelings of loneliness during the time when i was so completely overwhelmed in trying toplease him and my daughter. I needed him then, to just be beside me, being just there until I came around.
I've been to see therapists, psychiatrist, I've been on anti depressants, I nearly lost my job and I was barely functioning for a long time after this trauma that he inflicted on me. 
To heal myself, I've had to pack away the feelings of rejection, abandonment and betrayal, I've recovered from the PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks and I'm in pretty good place mentally considering everything I've overcome.
I also know that to have done something so awful, my husband was in his own personal turmoil, this is why I feel we can rescue some of our relationship to a better future.
I still love my husband very deeply, is there any hope that he may believe that I have faith in him and that he might understand that I will stand by him if he's able to acknowledge that he has some pretty serious emotionl problems.
Hes been to see a marriage therapist last week, I don't know why, but i believe he is feeling terrible confused
Hugs
Peppy


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are you?


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

I'm 45


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Talking about a divorce isn't getting a divorce. The guy sounds pretty focused on himself and prone to be a controller. You mentioned he struggles with insecurity and that he can be overbearing. He may want to meet with you so you can plead with him to stick around and make things work. If I wanted to divorce my wife, I'd probably discuss property division with her but I wouldn't be discussing how or if we were going to proceed with the divorce. That decision would have been made. He moved out after you left the marital bed. You've had your daughter 15 years and she's always had the same dad. He didn't leave the house because your daughter but because you quit sleeping with him. If I had to guess, his primary goal is to get you back in his bed. If he wants a divorce, he knows how to find a lawyer. You're seeing one thing but hearing another from the same man. Pay closer attention to what you see him doing. When a person's actions and words don't match they are being deceptive (sometimes to themselves).


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

I'm so sad.
There's no turning back as my husband is insistent in property division, he doesn't have any feeling for me but he cares for me. I'm not sure how people move to a point of acceptance in this process as I'm finding it really really hard.
It doesn't look like I can do anything to save our relationship at all. I'm just going to have to give him what he wants while my heart breaks at the disbelief of it all, the shock of being left and my lack of under standing at his issues.
We had a talk today, it was quite emotional for me, he seemed fine chatting with me and not very emotional at all.
It does seem he's made progress with his issues after all, but not enought to stop blaming me for things my daughter did that I'd no control over.
He keeps talking about 50/50 responsibility but I fail to see my part as i was always trying to fix things for him and lost myself along the way as my mental health broke down.
I really thought there was hope for us.
But there's none
I am crying and am so devastated at this precious loss
Thank you everyone for your support
Peppy


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He has been probably detaching from you for a while now. If he had other relationships in the interim, then his love for you would fade fast as his attachment to someone else would of help dissolve his love for you. Plus, if you made time for both, it is immaturity on his part. He was in competition for affection from your daughter. Just because of his age, it does not make one a mature person. That is a childish behavior. He has been punishing you passively, and holding onto his anger and resentment. Instead of working on it, he abandons you. Why was he in competition with your daughter? Most likely insecurity on his part. Plus, he sounds like he has some passive-aggressive behavior.

On the other hand, there is you. Someone who tried to please everyone to the point of neglect to ones self. He was to self-center to care, and love makes blind fools of us all. Even if your daughter was not an issue, the facts would of have been that he was always going to be selfish. Instead of wasting time on him, you should invest in yourself. You need to learn the habit of taking care of yourself, and making yourself a priority. Your daughter did, and so did your husband made themselves a priority, while you made the both of them priorities. Who took care of you then?

To be honest, logically, you know that you can do better. Rarely is the break-up 50/50. He was neglectful, and immature. I am sure that played a huge role in the break-up. Your attachment to him just picked out the good qualities and good times to focus on.

Imagine love like a rechargeable battery. Things like anger, neglect, resentment drains the power at a much faster rate. Things like sex, intimacy, quality times are the things that recharge the battery. he is an open circuit, where you talk to him, there is no connection formed. Your a close circuit where the times you spend talking to him is recharging your batteries.

Your attachment to him is making you needy and clingy, because your attachment,or love, is connected to the reward center of your brain. Your going through the withdrawal now, and if you go no contact with him, the faster the bond fades away. You know all of this, but this is something you have to learn to adapt too. Treat him like a drug, and break the addiction. Make yourself a priority and do not focus on him. What he wants and how he feels is no longer your concern. Your no longer his partner, and the faster you start living that way, the faster you will learn to accept it.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Sounds to me like you had two children, not one...
I am sure you are shocked and hurting...but he does not sound like a valuable partner. He sounds immature and insecure.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I Appreciate everything you've all said and I'm recognising my husband has some serious issues that I couldn't help him with. His self centredness and selfishness being particularly major as he always put himself first, and his capacity to be intimidating along with him giving me extended periods of silent treatment for which he never apologised to me, I found this extremely painful and hurtful and I grew afraid of trying to discuss things with him for fear of being deliberately ignored.
His immaturity has also been a huge problem for me, along with the more serious problem of him not accepting my child. He expected to have his needs met before hers and expected to be 'first'. It was as though he had no idea how teenagers could be rebellious.
He says therapists told him 'yes husbands should come first'. When I tried to discuss this with him to see how we could resolve this, his solution was he wanted me to deprive her of things such as treats, pocket money, her favourite fruit juice ....... Which of course I didn't do.
I guess my nature is in giving and my humanity for others, being helpful and approachable, always wanting to hear others opinions and to make the best of everything and in being positive.
I'm a nice person, I've lots of friends and I'm popular and I'm good company. My husband still enjoys some of these elements of our sort-of-friendship now. 
I didn't think I'd ever speak to him again after the way he treated me, and my daughter. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to understand his needs or meeting them. He called our marriage toxic, which it was, though I don't think he ever truly loved me.
X
Peppy


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is a taker, and somewhat passive-aggressive. Easiest way to feel good about yourself is to blame others. So he seeks validation from a therapist. You are not sure what he even said during his sessions. Sounds like he hasn't improve much if at all. He is somewhat of a narcissist also. During your time of need and support, he demanded that you give more to him, than him giving anything of himself. In relationships, needs alter and fluctuate, and sometimes you need more, and sometimes he needs more, but to expect the marriage to just revolve around him is self-centered behavior. Sounds like you were taking care of two teens instead of one.

You seem like a giver by nature. Time to place yourself first. Do what you need to heal. If it is no contact, then go no contact. Here is the thing also. During your time of need, if he stepped up and lend a helping hand, you would have a lower probability of not breaking down. Instead, he added to your stress and was unyielding. Oh, the first priority should always be you first. Logically, when you did not take care of yourself, you crumbled. Your life should start with you, and everything stems from there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

His therapists probably told him all kinds of things, but, being a narcissist, he remembered "husbands come first", naturally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Peppy,

For your own peace of mind and mental health, I think it would be best if you seriously limited any contact you have with your stbxh.

He's toxic to you. Most likely his current interest in talking to you is self serving. By you being cordial to him, he can then say to himself and others that you both are in agreement with the divorce and are now friends. Thus is his absolved.

Take a look at the link below in my signature block for the 180. This is who you need to be interacting with him. Have a little contact with him as possible. Every time you have contact with him, it will throw you into turmoil. So protect yourself by having very little contact. Do not discuss anything emotional with him any more. He lost that right when he had an affair and left you. 

You can discuss anything that needs to be discussed about property division and the affair via email. I suggest that you tell him that you are really too busy to meet with him so all further discussion be carried out in email. Divorce is about the business of splitting things. So there is no need to meet. 

Stop giving so much to him, even now you are by spending time with him. Take care of yourself. Who will protect you if you will not?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Peppy said:


> I also know that to have done something so awful, my husband was in his own personal turmoil, this is why I feel we can rescue some of our relationship to a better future.


Not unless he accepts that you have a daughter and a responsibility to that daughter to at least see her through high school. Not unless HE goes to therapy - a LOT - to learn to not grind his own insecurities and anger down on YOU. Not unless you both go to MC for months, not weeks, to learn healthy ways to address all these things.

Frankly, you sound like an abuse victim.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Peppy said:


> We had a talk today, it was quite emotional for me, he seemed fine chatting with me and not very emotional at all.


That's because he married you so you could prop HIM up, not the other way around. He's controlling, he's manipulative, he's a CHEATER, likely a narcissist, and you're supposed to be arm candy, give him great sex, make him feel good about himself, and support him. How dare you have a mind of your own, feelings of your own? 

In other words, you became a drag so he went looking for someone else to stroke his ego and he dropped you like a hot potato. It's what people like him do.


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## Peppy (Jan 2, 2015)

Hello everyone
Thank you for your replies and perspectives and for your kindness in taking the time to answer and support me.
I hope it's okay for me to keep this thread going for another bit.
I've been reading over things everyone has said and I'm finding it really helpful to see my stbxh unhealthy behaviours and issues. My husband really hasn't grasped that his anger issues, selfishness and intimidating behaviours prevented him being a true partner in our marriage. 
I felt I was often walking on eggshells around him as I never knew what could make him explode/give me extended silent treatments. I was so naive, I didn't even know there was such a behaviour called stonewalling. And I didn't know he was being emotionally abusive until I went to women's aid for some help around how to cope with his intimidation tactics which continued even after he abandoned me.
I don't know how to explain it, but in his company still, I feel uncomfortable - I'm not sure what this is about and I've not made any progress in understanding this through therapy.
Maybe it's because I feel judged and blamed by him, for things I couldn't change to make him happy.
It's all such a mess, I feel so broken and deeply deeply hurt that he wasn't ready to deal with his issues and instead ran away from me when I was always behind him ready to fight his demons with him. 
One day recently he started talking about my daughter - (the one he blamed for his problems) I got to ask him if he'd made any headway with therapy in understanding why she triggered so many issues for him? 
It was like watching a light bulb go on in his head - as thought this never dawned on him before. 
And it makes me wonder why a therapist hasn't brought this up?
I really want to own my part in our marriage breakdown but I'm finding it really tough. 
My husband is a weak man, a coward, he looks strong and sounds strong when he talks, and he needs a lot of help from the inside out. I feel really sorry and terribly sad I couldn't help him, especially when so much of my work is in helping others.
I feel so helpless in this situation and he's given me no options but to agree to the divorce. 
Thank you everyone
X
Peppy


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

People are dysfunctional, and we have a habit of ignoring or minimizing our issues. We are good at lying or deceiving ourselves. Abusive people redirect their anger at others close to them, pretty much people they feel safe enough to lash out at. His behavior is beyond your control.

Still, if you were to remain married and he kept up this behavior, it will wear you out where you detach, have low esteem, or both. You fell in love when he was emotionally more stable. He projected a different person than the person he is now. If he blames everyone for his issues, he does not have to look at himself.

The person you created the bond with was him on his best behavior in the beginning. When you see him it triggers the neurological pathways to those good times. It is why abusive victims have a hard time leaving their abusers. Low esteem, and the attachment they form to the person they see in good times. When you think of him, you can't help but remember those good times. Too bad we do not form attachments after the infatuation stage where people are off the dopamine high.


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