# My wife says she "feels nothing" for me...



## MRA

We have been married for 3 years, with a 1 yr old daughter, together for about 6 years. This is my second marriage, her first, I have 2 kids from previous marriage with whom she is very close. We had a great sex life in the beginning, as many people do, and it has steadily declined over the past couple of years, and when I would bring it up, she would just say that she has no interest but that she still loves me. This past summer, she had to work doubles on weekends and one weeknight, so we saw each other only a few nights a week, and literally didn't spend one night together without the baby. No date nights, no anything, and the baby sleeps in our bed (which is a separate issue altogether...). That's a basic snapshot of where we are, but about a month ago, she tells me she feels nothing for me. I was floored, because even though things had gotten a little distant, I thought it was something we could work through. I wish I had been a little more active in trying to get her to talk, but her mom also is fighting lung cancer (very successfully, thankfully) and that combined with her working and being home with the baby during the day (although I work full time and have the baby and my other 2 every weekend myself), I wanted to be understanding and not pressure her. Now it looks like she has already checked out and doesn't have much interest in fixing things. She says she will go to therapy, which I am also going to do as I am kind of a mess over this, but hasn't been very proactive in trying to schedule anything. She has continuosly said that it has nothing to do with me that I have been a great husband, but that this has happened in all of her relationships. What I would like to hear from the women (or men who have been through this) is, what do I do? The tension between us is often palpable around the house even though we don't fight. I talked to her about trying to work on our 'friendship' as a starting point, and take it from there. I don't want to be without her and it makes me sick to think that I won't have my daughter in my life every day. I've already gone through a similar situation and miss my kids (9 and 11) all the time, even though I see them pretty much every weekend. I know I am not perfect, but I moved an hour farther away to be with her and took a job in the area, and have generally put her needs before mine, I feel like I deserve more effort that she is giving to fix things. Apologies for this being a little long and possibly rambling, but I need to know, what can I do to at least have the possibility of my wife reconnecting with me and staying in the marriage???


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## CarolineMRF

If she has been like this in other relationships,then she is probably looking for it to happen here...Even though she may not realize this, she is kind of willing it to happen......She can be so sure that she will fall out of love with you, that she finds a way that it occurs...Now add to this the new baby that sleeps with you (a very big mistake) and she has changed her role in life...Then you must consider that she has had a tremendous change in hormones during this time...She should probably see her OB-GYN about some replacements if she is lacking something from the baby being born...The birth of a baby is very difficult on a woman's body...She is putting her priorities on being a Mother and forgetting about being her husband's lover...Add this to her hormones change and IMO, she needs help.....She shuts down sexually...She is no longer being sexually stimulated to help her feel like a woman...This is so important in a woman...They may not realize this but it is the stimulation of the vaginal canal that begets more want and pleasure...Without this happening she can forget to remember all the pleasure of life that she used to enjoy...This is why I say to women that frequent sex, begets more frequent sex...You stimulate easier...Your want is again awaken...You are much more receptive to the man you are married to...

I would suggest trying to go back to your yesterday with her...The happier time of dating..Reminding her of the spark that was there that started all the passion...This is what is so important in a marriage...Without it, love and the desires of life, may get lost....


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## variety

The fact that she told you she does not feel anything can be a way for her to ask for help.
Break the routine - I see that alot is going on in both your lives. But something has to change.
Can a relative look after all the kids so that you two can spend time together, even if it is to just do nothing but to relax?


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## sisters359

She is overwhelmed emotionally and maybe depressed. New baby = terrible sleep deprivation plus hormonal changes. Her first priority may well be sleep, not sex. Ask her--if she had 2 hours to herself, what would she do? if the answer is sleep, then you know. Men often don't wake like moms do and so you can have no idea how awful this type of sleep deprivation (coming from constant disruptions) is. Does a number on one psychologically as sleep cycles are disrupted.

If she engaged in sex with you w/o wanting it herself, you have a second "layer" of problem to deal with too. Nothing will make a woman turn off a man faster than having sex when she has no desire. Contrary to what someone wrote, just having sex does NOT beget wanting more. Feeling--and indulging--desire creates more desire. It's not simply about orgasms!

Find out, if you can, what her priorities are for "getting back to where the two of you were." Sleep, losing her resentment of you (which may not be your fault, by the way--she's tired and cranky and blames you but really it's the situation that has her tired like this), rediscovering her sexuality, rediscovering what she LIKES (not "loves") about you--if she liked the way you made her laugh, or that you were romantic, whatever things she used to really enjoy about spending time with you. Have her prioritize the list and show you, then help her address #1, etc.

By the way, feeling like she "should" make more effort is a lose/lose proposition. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE MORE EFFORT at this point, so you can be hurt and resentful, you can be hurt and get therapy, or you can decide this is "marriage rescue" time and you can choose not to feel hurt, just decide to move forward. It's up to you to decide how YOU want to respond/feel about her degree of effort; she does NOT control your feelings. Learn that now and you will be much happier in life regardless of what happens.


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## MRA

Thank you all for the comments, I am definitely looking to do whatever it takes to save this marriage. I talked to her the other night about trying to work on being "friends" again to try to take some of the stress out of the air. We are getting along well, but she needs to go to therapy where hopefully she will hear some of the things that you guys have posted. She has already heard a bunch of it from me, but I think she needs to hear some of it from a pro... I am trying to work towards some time for just us, we have families that are very willing to take the baby, it's just a matter of making the time. We have a wedding to go to this weekend that is right next to where we got married, right on the water, very nice area. Hoping it might trigger some emotions, maybe kick off some discussion that might lead to her wanting to try a little harder at moving forward. Sisters359, I'm not one for too much self-pity, so I've mostly been able to avoid feeling sorry for myself and am more focused on what we do to move forward. It's easy to get caught up on what has happened, what each of us has/hasn't done, but your point about "marriage rescue" and moving forward is a good one, that's where I'm trying to take this (probably with some therapy thrown in for good measure...)


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## sisters359

> She is no longer being sexually stimulated to help her feel like a woman...This is so important in a woman...They may not realize this but it is the stimulation of the vaginal canal that begets more want and pleasure...Without this happening she can forget to remember all the pleasure of life that she used to enjoy...This is why I say to women that frequent sex, begets more frequent sex...You stimulate easier...Your want is again awaken...You are much more receptive to the man you are married to...


I cannot emphasize enough how sex alone, without desire being there FIRST, will NOT, NOT, NOT produce the desired result. Even if she reaches orgasm, there will be a feeling of resentment that her lack of desire was not important, that her body is not her own, that you don't really care about how she feels as long as she does what you want. 

DESIRE is not simply the physical "lust" one feels when stimulated. It is as much intellectual and emotional as physical, and "stimulating the vaginal canal" is NOT going to do anything positive if the other pieces of the puzzle aren't in place. Having sex, even good sex, when one doesn't want to share one's body is a truly unpleasant experience. Don't go there, guys. You will lose in the long run.


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## dobo

I'd like to add that women take on the role of mother over being a wife because that's what so much of society tells them to do - that's the message they receive. And fathers are right there doing it with them. Both parents say "we put the kids first". And then when the natural fallout occurs, everyone sits around and wonders how they could find themselves second in their spouse's eyes.


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## grrrrr

What we need to figure out is how to change from our kids being first to us once they are napping, eating, playing, or out for the night. 

My wife goes into her own thing well before I can even get involved. We have started playing games at night (Uno, Jenga) and bake things together occassionally. I have been pushing for her to spend more time with me, even if it is her things. 

I tried to get her to dance with me the other night and that was a no go. The last thing I want to do is dance right now. Weird how she used to party until 3 am before we got married without a prob.

So, you suggested a vacation for us, that won't happen for a while for me. However, maybe fun time (things you did together before you got married or when you first did). That is what I have tried as well. It started off well, and has tumbled because of the small number of things we can think of (non sexual of course, can't have strip poker)!

Please keep us posted on your progress, and I will keep you posted on mine.

Take care and good luck.


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## CarolineMRF

Hater Hater said:


> Wow, *CarolineMRF* I started to pick out parts of what I liked from your post and ended up just keeping the rest in because it hit so close to home for me. Sorry if that's a duplicate post but wow.
> 
> I have never heard/read a woman other than my Wife (but I kind of forced her to see her errors) admit this stuff that women do, all be it supposedly unconsciously.
> 
> In my honest opinion this used to mean that the woman is purposely poisoning or sabotaging the relationship and so she is to blame for these made up or overly blown up situations that cause us grief and so this crazy person will have little say in this relationship and I will have to "save us both" somehow.
> This I have found from personal experience and experiments, does not work. I am still dealing with a crazy lady all the time, no matter how much I recognize it or try and fight it, she will find a way of breaking us up.
> 
> I have known how women are or rather how women can be, for a long time now.
> The doing stuff almost unconsciously (seemingly without conscience) only to snap out of it later, like a crazy person, like they didn't know what they where doing. :crazy: or at least it would be, if a man were to act in this manner, but for women it's ok.
> It's a fact that hormones or imbalances of, are too blame for the surges of emotions that a lot of women have to deal with in everyday life in general. Yet I'm sure that there are more lotto winners every month that there are women to admit that they are acting like a fool on or around that time of the month.
> 
> Add to this an unwitting victim in this poor guy and millions of others across the planet (Me included), who became part of this whole mess. Even after being married before and having had relations with women but not fully understanding the true extent of psychosis he would have to know and learn how to circumvent or have the marriage die.
> 
> This is soooooooo sad.
> 
> *MRA*
> 
> I want you to know that I feel your pain, literally, and hope that you find happiness someday.
> Like you I have been married and divorced once before and have a couple of older children 18 and 17. I am also married again now with a 3yo son and a 4yo marriage (been together for 6 years all together) and like you I am also dealing with a hard to deal with woman.
> They end up seemingly to spit all the good you do for them back in your face with their actions and give you no credit for having to deal with their craziness without complaining for so long. In the end they just kick you to the curb, if you let them.
> 
> Hang in there, when your in your next relationship this one will fall to the back of your stress filled mind and be only a bitter memory, trust me on this one. You might want to get a degree in psychology so that you can read all the subtle hint and know how to understand a woman's thought processes a little better and maybe you can save your next relationship from you next Wife.


Thank you so much for your comments...I have been told before that I have the ability of seeing within a woman's mind and then expressing it...My problems is that most of them "hate" me for it....I guess this is just part of life.........


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## outinthecold

To understand a woman is to spend the rest of your life trying to gather sand or catch moonlight.

However, what women tell us directly is always what they feel.

Women communicate their feelings like it is, no holding back.

What women want, who knows what it or that is?

We men have to ESP or way with that, too bad there's not a show called ESPNWOMEN.

We men could watch it and get insight into the highlights of "What Women Want"

If she tells you she has no feelings for you, you better believe it, she doesn't, no reading tea leaves.

You have to accept it.

If she ever says the word "conflicted" you're a gonner. 

Someone else is there.

There might be a chance, rekindle something, but you have to break the cycle you are in.

The way you are going, it is adiós amigo.


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## MRA

I've come to the (fairly obvious) realization that nothing is going to change unless she wants it too, I have been feeling like I need to do extra around the house and be "better", but all that is going to do is make feel worse until she steps up and tries to work at this. I gave her a list of about 30 therapists in the area to choose from, the ball is in her court. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but it's a 2 way street and will go nowhere until she decides our marriage is too important to just give up on without trying.


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## EternalBacheor

"She has continuosly said that it has nothing to do with me that I have been a great husband, but that this has happened in all of her relationships." 

Well there you go........there is your answer.

You have no leverage in this marriage because you are in a position of extreme disadvantage in the event of divorce. Your wife knows this and therefore has a free hand to treat you as poorly as she wants. Your wife has always enjoyed the drama of being "unhappy" in all past relationships she has been in. She also enjoyed making the unfortunate soul who happens to be in a relationship with her equally miserable; its her thing, its the way she is, there is no "fixing" her because the "unhappy" her is the real her.

You married the wrong woman. You can live the rest of your life in pain, being taken for granted, being used or get divorced.







.


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