# Does it hurt the person who wants the divorce?



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Does it hurt our stbx's when we tell them the truth about how we really feel, how devastated and how lost we are?

I have been asking myself this question for days and I go from "well of course it must hurt to some degree" but back to unsure, because I'm at a place now where my stbx won't even acknowledge my grief. He doesn't want to know about it at all.
I'm not sure if this is because it hurts him, or if it just makes him feel guilty. Now I'm thinking the latter.

What do you guys think? Are they hurting too for there own reasons, or do they just feel really guilty about the whole situation?


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

I am divorcing him, and it is agonizing, painful, depressing and maddening. But it is because of his actions--he made a mockery of the marriage. So in that sense, I too was the one who was left. I am just making it official. I know that he feels remorse/guilt--it is the first honest emotion I've seen from him in a long time.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I divorced my first husband, as he would not address a big problem, and I fell out of love and to be honest he was very boring. I felt guilty divorcing him, but had no love what so ever. Regret for our family breaking up, and feelings of failure, but nothing towards him. I really did not feel any sorrow, or want to listen to anything he had to say about trying again. I had emotionally detached some time before. 

However now that I am separated from my second husband -been together 20 years I desparately want to think that he is feeling bad, or missing some part of me, but I doubt it actually. might be missing our home and family, but he wanted to leave me!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Dear caught: I would say yes just from my observation. The weight that was lost, no appetite and the running away. Yes, there is hurt there.

But my situ was a little different in that he did this because his ego and pride were severly punctured. In retaliation. But his stupidity and inability to discuss ruined our relationship.

And so yes, I know they must perhaps not as much since they are escaping in fantasy but it is there. All I had to do was look in his eyes when we were having one of our very rare talks. I was shocked to see it. What a fool!

All I can say is it doesn't truly matter whether they feel anything or not. The truth of the matter is that spark of hope that you are feeling and that is the lie. Watch that hope, it's deadly for pain.

We must only keep the focus on ourselves because that is all we can really change and try to gather our lives up again.

Hang in there, think only of yourself and getting better. Forget the other, there's nothing you can say or do at this point that will make any difference except to re-open the wound.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I imagine the one who initiates it feels guilt most of all. They have some time to get used to the idea, though, because they act on it. So maybe they've done their grieving, or are at the end of their grieving when they actually file for divorce? Just a thought.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think some people initiate divorce just to get the last word in. And when they don't see their enemy vanquished and crushed into the mud it makes them crazy.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> All I can say is it doesn't truly matter whether they feel anything or not. The truth of the matter is that spark of hope that you are feeling and that is the lie. Watch that hope, it's deadly for pain.
> 
> We must only keep the focus on ourselves because that is all we can really change and try to gather our lives up again.


Indeed. Note taken. Have to bring myself back to reality.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I left.

It killed me. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. But, by the point that I left it was far beyond doing it for even a petty reason, I had to get out to save my own mind and sanity. I NEEDED to leave, because we were destroying eachother and I was sinking farther than I've ever sunk before.

The person I love, so deeply that I married now had to be left behind because he was destroying me and our marriage had turned toxic and we were killing each other. In my situation, there was no pleasantness about it, no ease, and had someone not stepped up to help me get out of there I can't tell you what kind of a mess I'd be right now.

It ripped me apart to see him fall after I left, to slowly watch him destroy himself and not be able to help despite reaching out everytime. Killed me to see our future destroyed, and the hardest part was losing my best friend and love.

I still jump if he needs me. 

I tried and would have done everything to save it, ultimately, I could only save myself.


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## enlightened1 (Jul 3, 2011)

I am sure it hurts to some level, because of the time you both shared together. However, if it is over then you need to start thinking about healing and taking care of yourself and not worry about him anymore. I am the one that will be leaving due to something he is doing. I can't live in this situation any longer. When he starts acting like "old times" I start feeling very guilty. I can no longer live with the disrespect and lies


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe it just hurts like chemotherapy.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I initiated the divorce proceedings, doesn't mean I moved on but what can you do when someone can't talk about how they're feeling and keeps running away. stbxh is even now away for 2 wks. 

I feel like I'm at the countdown of the space shuttle, 15 days more and I will be divorced.

There is absolutely nothing I can do for "us" but there is something I can do for me. Take care of me. No longer an us.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

In my experience, it's kind of like yelling at a wall for being in your way, especially if they are a wayward spouse.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> In my experience, it's kind of like yelling at a wall for being in your way, especially if they are a wayward spouse.


This is how I see it too with my ex H as well.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

Right now I think my husband is still hurting and conflicted for us. I think he feels the same range of emotions I am feeling right now. I don't know if that will remain as we go through this process but I don't think it is all guilt but sorrow too.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> In my experience, it's kind of like yelling at a wall for being in your way, especially if they are a wayward spouse.


This was good. Thank you for that visualization.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Hang in there! It does get easier. You'll get to a point where you don't really care if they feel bad for what they've done because what's happened has happened and you can only control you. I'm a firm believer in karma and what goes around will come around. I know one day my stbx will have regrets, and I won't. End of story.


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## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> I left.
> 
> It killed me. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. But, by the point that I left it was far beyond doing it for even a petty reason, I had to get out to save my own mind and sanity. I NEEDED to leave, because we were destroying eachother and I was sinking farther than I've ever sunk before.
> 
> ...


This is my twin soul mate.


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