# How can I make my husband understand?



## benevlentone (Dec 3, 2011)

In the very beginning of our relationship, my husband and I knew that we had, had previous relationships, but we never got so much in depth with discussing it. He's never been married, and was a virgin as he claimed and I had been married, and divorced. So we married, and eventually as time went on, he found very old pictures of an ex boyfriend and I. Nothing too bad, maybe a photo of us kissing. So he got extremely jealous of this. He didn't tell me, one day, he just called me, and he began crying. I was sooo shocked. I said for Gods sake, this is way before I knew you. He said, you look so in love with him, etc... He began comparing him to himself, as if he was a loser, why did you pick me if you had him, why me? I said, that was something that wasn't meant to be, and explained to him how I love him more then anything. It seems like my husband isn't getting the idea that I had a past life before he came in the picture and changed everything. I love my husband and all, but he is really hurt these days. He knows about my ex marriage, so why is it that these other relationships are so shocking for him? Should I tell him everything about myself, because honestly, I think every move I make is going to hurt him from now on. I am really having to be careful, and I FEEL like he put away trust for me. Not to question, I should never have a guy friend... I want to stop this before its out of hand. What should I do?


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

Knowing you have a past and keeping the past around are two different things to me. 

I would suggest destroying all the old memorabilia you have with your ex and start collecting new memorabilia with your husband would be a start.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, it is possible that the picture of the old boyfriend was just a catalyst for how he has felt all along. Perhaps he has always felt inadequate or 'second best' and hasn't voiced it until then.

While I agree that self-worth, self-esteem, and self-respect are all things that begin with "self" and come from within a person, there are still a lot of things that you can do to reinforce those things to your spouse.

Do you tell him you appreciate him? Do you SHOW him you appreciate him?

What would have happened if you would have said, "You know I had totally forgotten about that old boyfriend and that picture. I guess you have totally put him out of my mind." then gone over to him, taken the picture, dropped it, sat on his lap, and kissed him passionately?

Look for opportunities like that, or create opportunities like that with him. Show him you care and that there is a reason why you chose him.

Best wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

expatforlife said:


> Knowing you have a past and keeping the past around are two different things to me.
> 
> I would suggest destroying all the old memorabilia you have with your ex and start collecting new memorabilia with your husband would be a start.


She has to destroy memories of her life because her husband has irrational insecurities?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

Tacoma...
Having the memorabilia around apparently is hurting her husband. She doesn't have to destroy it, however, it goes a long way in showing commitment and easing insecurities to him if she dumps it. Its an option.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think youre reading too much into this. You dont say how long its been going on for. You must give him time to get over it. Dont worry he will in the end just give him a chance and dont make an issue over it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

expatforlife said:


> Tacoma...
> Having the memorabilia around apparently is hurting her husband. She doesn't have to destroy it, however, it goes a long way in showing commitment and easing insecurities to him if she dumps it. Its an option.


It doesn't "ease" his insecurities It validates and enables them.
If he can't deal with the fact that his wife had a life he needs to fix it.
It's obviously his problem and it's horribly irrational.

Validating the irrational is a path no one wants to take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Tough love

Tell him to grow a set of balls and stop whining like a baby because that turns you off.

What an illogical wuss


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Tough love
> 
> Tell him to grow a set of balls and stop whining like a baby because that turns you off.
> 
> What an illogical wuss


Thank you!

At least there's someone who gets it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Tough love
> 
> Tell him to grow a set of balls and stop whining like a baby because that turns you off.
> 
> What an illogical wuss


I lean a bit more towards the advice above. 

You certainly shouldn't have pictures of your ex-boyfriends displayed in your house or anything, but having some of your old pictures stored somewhere isn't a crime. 

Obviously, if you've been married before or had relationships before you'd have been in love or at least been involved with other men....I don't know why this would come as a shock to your husband now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where did he find this photo? How much digging did he have to do? Was he snooping? Looking for something? Does he not trust you?

I believe in total radical honesty and openness in marriage.. no secrets. So i'm not suggesting that he has no right to look at things. But I have to wonder why he was looking, does he not trust you?

When a person assumes an irrational point of view, which you husband has, I wonder what they gain from having hanging on to it. How does he benefit? Making you feel guilty? Making himself feel superior? Or is this the start of his justification for an affair because you had other partners and he never has.


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## benevlentone (Dec 3, 2011)

Goodness, he looked into my email and found it, I wouldn't have that in my house. He was searching I guess you all are right... He is having trust issues. You know in my field of work, he knows I meet allot of people, and he thinks since people men and women respond positively to me, that its a bad thing. I don't see why he is so sensitive, he should just realize how much I love him, and wouldn't ruin our life in any way. Its like creating a problem that doesn't exist. Yea, I did have a few options of whom I was going to marry, and I chose him. I guess his insecurities play into this, and he blames my out ward personality. He always tells me to stop being so gentle. Should I have to change my personality? Or just talk to him? He admitted to me that his thoughts can take him a bit too far sometimes. I'm afraid he will say the word affair to me...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I can only repeat youre making too much out of it. Now youre thinking he will start accusing you. Dont worry he wont. Give him time and all will be forgotten.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, he remained a virgin for a reason, perhaps his reaction isn't a much about you and him, and his choice to remain a virgin.

how old is he? Perhaps he's freaking out since he hasn't got the emotional growth that comes from having loves breakups etc. That pain teaches us things about relationships and how our feelings grow and change - because he hasn't gone through that he doesn't have the experience to draw on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How is your sex life with him? Does he know of things you did with other men which you now don't do with him? How old were both of you when you married?

He may feel some sense of inadequacy for being a virgin and then marrying the only woman he ever had sex with. He may see you as being more competent sexually, and so he would fear that you see his inadequacy.

As to your photo in the emails. I am maybe old fashioned being 51 yrs old. We never had electronic photos when I was single! I think keeping memorabilia is acceptable but only in a minimal way. Your first husband may be a slightly different case, but not much since you and he divorced. A high school year book with photos and love notes written in it are fine. Maybe a prom photo.

All of these things represent fond memories to us, but can be taken as threatening to a relationship if there are any issues. The photo of you and an ex-bf kissing on a beach looks very romantic! Your current husband though doesn't know the rest of the story, where the bf completely pissed you off and was a total jerk. So your husband doesn't have the perspective that the picture is a nice memory but not your full memory of that relationship.

But keeping an old email? That to me seems kind of too available for you. Like keeping that beach kiss photo in the top drawer of your nightstand would seem like you might want to look at it frequently.

I suspect your husband has some sexual toxic shame or some personal self esteem issues. He probably holds you in high regard socially and sexually. So there is the good news, he has a high opinion of you in an area that he values highly. But the bad news is that he has a low opinion of himself.

You two need to talk about if he is feeling insecure in the relationship and if he feels insecure about his manliness due to only having had sex with one woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

benevlentone said:


> Goodness, he looked into my email and found it, I wouldn't have that in my house. He was searching I guess you all are right... He is having trust issues....


How long have you been married to him?

He found it in your email? How old was the email? How did it happen to me in your email?

Did someone recently send you this photo? Or did you send it to someone recently?


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