# Lost in my own life and in desperate need of help, PLEASE!



## buscando_paz (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that has been or that's in a relationship like mine. However, sometimes I feel like I am. I've been with my husband for over 6 years and we've been married for a tad over 5. I'm at the point of utter confusion and that's my purpose of being here... I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've lost myself it seems like and I've turned into someone that I used to think was pathetic and weak. Two things of which I've always prided myself in not being.

Please bare with me as I try and give as many details as possible. I'll try and summarize as best as I can. 
I grew up in a very demanding home. Both parents very critical and abusive. I ran away when I was 16 due to the abuse and then was raped. At 18 I had a friends father sexually molest me. Married at 21 and my husband absused me physically, spiritually, emotionally and verbally. He became an alcoholic, drug addict and then started cheating. We divorced in less than 2 years. Afterwards I dated another guy who became physically violent with me and I was able to walk away immediately. I swore at that moment I was going to break the cycle! I promised myself I'd NEVER be connected with another person that was going to hurt me...
So, then I met my current husband. He was kind, timid, caring, soft-spoken.... And he was tall, dark and handsome! He was the total package! A beautiful man and very soon after I fell head over heels. I was very scared at first at how I felt and kept thinking, "what if he hurts me too". I decided, after months of running back and forth, to talk to him about my past. I could see the sencerity in his eyes when he told me that he'd never hurt me and that he'd always take care of me. I trusted him, believed him and thought that I'd finally found my safe-haven. We were together a year before we married. He was absolutely wonderful and our relationship was wonderful. We married on a Saturday and the 2nd Sat. after we married was the very 1st time he'd never come home at night. To make a very long story short(er), this was also the very first time he put his hands on me (when he finally did get home drunk). I was pulled from one end of the house to the other by the hair of my head, slammed into walls, slapped, etc. I thought about running, running away as fast as I could, but I told myself it was a 1 time thing and I couldn't walk away because we just got married 2 weeks ago. I listened to his apology and believed him. Since that date, there's been numerous times he's hit me, broken my nose, ripped my shirt off my back, pushed me, choked me (once)..... He went to jail twice in the same week for domestic abuse... The abuse, at it's worst, last for about 3 years, but not "all the time"....mainly when he drank. Also in the beginning when he drank, he wouldn't come home at night. It would be the next day he'd show up drunk. Of course I would confront him and that's when the "fight" would break out. He hasn't actually hit me for over a year (maybe yr and a half). But, now there's something new I've had to deal with. Before I was a business owner, I was in Property Management. When my business started to "take off", I had to make the decision where to focus my energy, talent and time. I chose to leave my position at my community. I hired a girl to take my place and trained her. (I'll summarize to get through this faster.) At first I had a different cell # and a couple weeks later I changed it. She had my old#, I told her to delete it because it belonged to my husband and here's my new one... Ok, she didn't and from around Dec. 7th - New years, there had been 78 texts between them. From the records the hardest thing to grasp was on my bday (dec 18th) my husband sent me a txt to ask where I was, I said that I was at the property stopping by to say hi. He didn't txt me back, but txt'd her and then CALLED her there. I never knew she was talking to him.... Everything came out on New Years Day.... Once again, a week or so later I forgave him, listening to his apologies and still believing I could make my marriage work. Later on (last year) I lost my best friend as a result of him...really not knowing who to believe. He supposedly touched her hair, then her ear and then ran his hand down her neck (when she went to pick him up from work one night.....as I was in the process of helping to lay tile in our house). There were inconsistancies in both their stories however... Afterwards (for the 3rd time) I kicked him out of the house for 2 weeks, but once again I thought I felt like I was dying and felt like I "needed" him to come back home. This time he reversed it and made it about him. He's the one that gave ME the time limit of when he was coming back and telling ME the things that I needed to change...etc., etc. Manipulation? Of course! Did I fall for it? Unfortunately, yes. Two weeks later he came home. And actually for a long time things were better. UNTIL, I had one of my employees tell me that they needed to talk to me. Supposedly he had rubbed on her back and then started a very inappropriate conversation about oral sex. However, she asked me not to say anything to him. I told her that I couldn't promise that because #1 this involves my personal life, but also professionally I have to speak with both parties, even though the accused is my own husband. So, I confronted them both. It came out the "rub" wasn't like she made it out, HOWEVER he did place his hand on her so that should have NEVER happened! And the conversation was innitiated by her, but he did participate in it.... This happened approximately 2 1/2 months ago or so. All the while I was going through fertility treatments to get pregnant (as I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I desperately want to have a baby. So, I found out that I was pregnant (after more than 6 years of trying) and I was absolutely thrilled....beyond thrilled.... Three weeks ago yesterday I lost my baby at only 7-8 weeks. It's been sooooo hard to go through because I was basically allowed to cry one day, which was the day of my miscarriage. Anytime I cried after, he told me not to cry that I needed to basically get over it. And now on top of everything else, I have a feeling he's attracted to another one of my employees. Just the way he looks at her, the way she looks at him, the way she laughs at EVERYTHING he says (actually giggles like a school-girl) and he will actually "pick on me" when she's around to irritate me and upset me. Then turns around and says I can't take a joke. Well, lets see.... I just lost my baby 3 weeks ago, I've been bleeding since April 1st, my hormones are completely out of wack, I'm dealing with all the CRAP from my past (with and without him) and now I have him picking on me.... NO, I can't take a joke right now! I don't feel like JOKING! There really is no communication. I've tried over and over again to talk to him. Calmly, softly, gently..... He doesn't pay attention or buts in on me and starts talking to the dogs, or watching tv. The other night while I was talking about "communication" and that's something that we needed to work on he says, "I don't want to talk about anything right now, I'm tired and want to go to sleep, I'll talk to you tomorrow." Well, tomorrow apparently NEVER comes........ I used to be so strong, so sure of myself, not taking crap over and over again from people. Then with him, something happened and I feel weak and like I'm drowning. Then I start to feel sorry for him and scared for him if I think about leaving because I fear he'll go back to drinking and destroy his life... But, what? Do I let him destroy mine by staying with him? I question whether I'm supposed to stay or go. I think of the peace I could possibly have without him and finally having someone in my life to love me unconditionally and that would never mistreat me.... But then at the same time he's all I know and the thought of being without him scares me.... Or maybe it's the change.... I don't know anymore. I'm so so very confused. I honestly need some help in this. Please don't ridicule me and I've had that enough in my life. I've come here because I honestly don't know where else to turn and I just need someone to help me get through this. But please do so with kindness. I just don't want to be hurt any longer. I know many of you think I'm foolish, blind, stupid, even igorant....but you don't have to tell me, most days I call myself those things enough for all of us...

I'm just lost....


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## buscando_paz (Apr 28, 2011)

Please someone chime in.... Please... Right now I'm sitting in my office (which is in my home) and after a jobsite, he brings "the employee" back here to clean the windows (to give her more hours). WHA?????? I can clean my own freakin' windows, I don't need to PAY SOMEONE to do it!!!! And all the while I'm working, I get to listen to them laughing and giggling.... WTH????? OMG, I'm feeling more and more foolish by the minute. I need some help honestly. I know ya'll don't know me.... I'm a good, honest, hard working woman that simply tries to live each and every day to the best of my potential. I honestly don't think that I've deserved what's been handed to me, but I'm not going to let it destroy me or change me into someone bad. I still have faith and know that no matter what, God is protecting me. However, I still feel very foolish... Help please... ='(


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Kick him and her out of your house, your business and your life.
Honestly, you should have run the first time he put his hands on you in anger. 

Run or kick them out NOW!!!


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

You have been through way too much. You need to start to let him go. All the abuse and now this? You have taken way too much. Do not have unprotected sex with him. Why bring a child into this world, with this man as his/her father?

Consult with an attorney, ASAP. If you have joint checking accounts, start putting money aside for yourself (not too much to get noticed, just start an emergency fund for yourself).

*Do you have family to stay with*? Oh, and also start to consider a restraining order.

You need to get out of this marriage girl. You deserve better. It will hurt but not as much as if you continue in this marriage.

*Does your husband work*? *Who brings home the majority of the income*?
*What state are you in?*


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

BTW, it is the change that scares you, not being without him. Being without him will only bring you peace. 

Start to work on yourself. Consider IC.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

KathyGriffinFan said:


> BTW, it is the change that scares you, not being without him. Being without him will only bring you peace.
> 
> Start to work on yourself. Consider IC.


I agree with these comments. You had such a frightening past, only to find security with him, but maybe can't see how warped this security is. It is obvious that things have happened with him that would take a miracle to overcome.

You deserve happiness. If anyone does, its you. This will be a long journey, but I really think that moving past him will open your eyes to the possibility that this can happen. Through counseling, and maybe even supportive groups, you can try to break it down one step at a time. When I was younger, and at a place like this, I began to focus just on that next step. Getting him out of your life, settling into a new life, and then finding a network of new friends. Once day, you'll wake up and realize that the fear isn't the first thing you think about anymore.

I struck out on my own during college. My past just held too many scars. For me, I got plugged into a group that included divorced singles, those just starting again, like me, and those who had been hurt. My childhood included alot of trouble and abuse, and I just needed to be around people that were beginning to heal. The group was affiliated with a large church. The important thing is to get yourself in an environment where you can begin to heal.


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## buscando_paz (Apr 28, 2011)

Thanks so much everyone for your responses. To go back and answer a few questions you have...
- I don't have any family to stay with, but I do have friends that can help me if needed (but I'm financially able to "make it" on my own.) But they can definitely be my support system.
- My husband actually works for my business (and it's "my" business....his name is nowhere associated with the ownership) He's considered a "Supervisor" only.
- I of course bring home the majority of the income.
- We are in TN.
- Both checking accounts are in my name only (personal and business) and he has no ownership or check writing rights. (Long story, but there's a reason behind that.... It was never me being the mean wife keeping him off the accounts, there's a legit reason why he couldn't be.)

I'm seriously trying to put space in between us so that way I may break free of him. It seems like every time I do this (have done this over the years), he knows it and starts to try and reel me in with his "sweetness", "pet names", etc. I know it's basically all an act. I mean, how can a man possibly love me as much as he says he does (when he acts like this), when he's treated me so horribly in the past....well, and even in the present if my suspicions are correct. I'm trying to listen to my "gut", but then that brain-washed side of me creeps in every once and a while and makes me think that I'm crazy and he's "trying" and I shouldn't suspect him as I'm doing.... I know, nutty right? 
You're all right though. I must work on myself! The fact is, I'm pretty (a normal pretty, not super-model pretty), have a little bit of meat on my bones, I'm warm and caring (even though at times he can bring out this totally different side of me which i hate) ....but really I'm just (all in all) a good person. And no, I don't think I deserve this either. It's just all about accepting the change and being able to walk away. That in itself scares the you know what outta me! I know it's absolutely batty to even admit that it nearly makes me physically sick to think about leaving him and actually staying gone. I begin to feel a little weak and my palms start to sweat. What is that? And WHY is that? I know, I know, I know that this whole situation is wrong and has been completely toxic for me.... I would tell anyone else in my situation, GET OUT, RUN, SAVE YOURSELF.....but why can't I listen to my own advice? I want to, I desperately want to. I want to be happy. I want to have peace. I want to be LOVED more than anything.... Truly loved and appreciated. I want a man to look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman to step foot on this earth (even though I know I'm not).... I want a man who will talk to me and listen to me.... Someone that will treat me with respect and NEVER EVER EVER put his hands on me or mistreat me in any way... *sigh* I just think that too much has happened between my husband and I to ever get to that point. I might be able to forgive him, but I'll never forget ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that he's done to me....


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

buscando_paz, I don't think you're reading too much into things. He shouldn't be placing his hands anywhere on your workers, let alone talking to them (or texting) on the phone.
And the callous way he treated your miscarriage...just awful. Combined with past physical abuse...it's all way too much.

It sounds like he's using you. You employ him, take care of him, and he's able to get away with all these bad things. He has it made. That isn't love but you already know that. 

You have made the initial step of knowing that you should not be with this man. The next step is to take action. I think EVERYONE goes through the "maybe we can make this work stage", and you have doubts (as far off as they may be) but you keep taking steps to your goal.

See an attorney, asap. Start figuring out where you want to go. You def need to heal and work on yourself. You've been through a lot.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Paz, 

With the exception of the issues of infedility, alcohol and finances, my marriage is/was (I'm not really srue which) very similar to yours. I experience the physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse. I know how one can make you literally think you are crazy, even though deep down you know you are not. I know what it is like to constantly re-evaluate yourself in order to find out what you are doing wrong, as he is always getting mad at you without providing you with real reasons for his outbursts, or turning something he did against you. He angrily asks you what you have done to change and lectures you about how horrible you are, but tells you nothing solid about what you have done or what you need to change. You beg and plea for him to tell you what you have done and what you are/were supposed to change, but he just tells you that the fact that you don't know is what scares him in his condescending tone. He ignores you. Oh, and God forbid you get in his face or even talk back in defense. That triggers the very red eyes of anger that scare you to death, because you have no idea what his next move is going to be. Will he throw you accross the room again? Will he choke you again? What's next? 

My husband had also refrained from physically abusing me for nearly two years leading up to my separating from him. All he did during those two years was motion as if he was going to hit me, or tower his 6'4" body over my 5'4" body in intimidation. It worked, I was still frightened, and was never sure if I was gonna be knocked around.

We separated for about 10 months, after I got up enough gut to finally leave him for what I thought was for good. I was doing great, or so I thought. You see, people like you and I have absolutely been brainwashed by the other. We are clouded by our love and hope for them, and by an illness called codependency. While apart, I did not continue couseling, thus never dealing with my codependency issues. Rather, when I thought I was strong, I was really very weak. My husband never left me alone when we separated. He called me very frequently, followed me places and drove by my sister's house in the wee hours of the morning, just to see if my truck was there. I never made any moves toward getting my own place, or any other form of independency. Inevitably, I let him back in to my heart and we reconciled nearly a year ago. ALl was good for a few months, but now I am seeing more of the same. All of the mental and emotional games are beginning to come again. 

I hope you leave your situation. If you do find the courage, please seek and continue counseling for you co-dependency issues. You need to be able to find a way to become independent and able to feel you can live without him. I did not succeed here, and here I am again. I just keep trying to be happy in love with my husband, and make sure he is happy in love with me. It has been a very tough battle. 

Over the course of the last two years, I have made several posts on this forum. Maybe some of them may help you and give you some foresight on what to expect and what to do or not to do.

Of course, you may personal message me at any time. Please, take care of yourself. I will keep up with your posts.


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## buscando_paz (Apr 28, 2011)

Well, I just wanted to quickly update... Not too much has changed. I've definitely pulled away from him quite a bit and I think that he's started to notice... 
Yesterday however, a situation did happen. I had a horrible headache (going into a migraine) and while they were all at a jobsite, me being at home (working in the office), I decided to take a prescribed Tylenol 3 w/ condeine. I've never taken it before, but have never been allergic to any medication, so didn't think much about it. I took one and tried laying down on the couch. About 3 hours later, my head was hurting worse and decided to take 2 more. Within 10 minutes I began to shake, felt dizzy, light-headed, faint, my tongue got "thick" feeling and I felt like I had shortness of breath. I made it to my bed and within a few minutes I apparently passed out. The next thing I remember is my husband standing over me, screaming for one of my employees to come help him, putting alcohol under my nose and desperately trying to unclinch my hands and feet. I was very weak for the rest of the night (even today), but I do feel better. He sat on the side of the bed, rubbing my head, crying saying, "What would I do without you? Please, please don't leave me. I promise I love you mija... You're the love of my life and I can't imagine my life without you." I, in my somewhat "out of it" state, felt almost guilty at that point of thinking about leaving him. Even today he is doing everything he can and going out of his way to take care of me. THIS is why it's so hard... Seeing and experiencing THIS side of him makes me crave more of him.

Now, I need to confess something else... One of my very best friends in the whole world, he is a male, but is an absolutely AMAZING friend, confidant and support system for me. Last year while going through so much, my dear friend (we'll call him Alex), told me he had to confess something to me. I honestly, had no clue what he needed to tell me. But, he started off by telling me how wonderful he thinks I am. That I'm intelligent, aggressive, persistant, talented, beautiful and just a kind person. He said for me to NEVER forget ANY of that! He told me how much he respects me and loves me for who I really am. I cried and told him that I loved him to.....as he IS my very best friend. But then he grabbed my hand and told me, "No preciosa, you don't understand. I don't just love you, I'm IN love with you." I couldn't help but be taken back and feel relief knowing that there really is someone GOOD in this world that loves me. I cried and cried and hugged and thanked him for loving me.....even though I couldn't walk away from my husband. I knew I was hurting him. I knew he absolutely HATED to see me going through everything I was going through and I chose to put my friendship with Alex on "the back burner" per say... He understood why I needed that distance and space and respected my decision. Of course going through so much here recently, I needed my best friend again. I needed his support and his unconditional love (even though I knew that 6 months ago, his love had definitely changed). I don't really even know how to explain any of this, but I just feel very guilty. Even though I've never cheated on my husband. Knowing how Alex feels about me, knowing that HE wants to be my protector, provider, my partner.... I just feel guilty. And I do so because there's so many times that I think, "WHY didn't I know this before? WHY couldn't it have been HIM that I married?" Alex is very different than my husband. Alex is kind, calm, a good listener, a good communicator, friendly, funny, active, super intelligent, has a great education, responsible, ambitious and he's a leader! Not a follower! He stands up for who & what he believes in and doesn't follow the crowd. I respect him and he respects me. But, now I feel guilty.... I feel like I'm almost "cheating" in my head and my heart because I've allowed myself to "dream" of what a life would be like with Alex. Now I feel like a hypocrit..... BUT, I also know that no matter what....IF my husband had NEVER treated me the way he has (and does) then I would NEVER EVER allow myself to look at or think of ANY other man, including Alex. 

Maybe this is all another reason why I'm so confused.... *sigh*
I know, I'm in a mess.....


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Paz, you already know how this dude treats you. It's a cycle. He's gonna shift to the bad version of himself eventually, and the sh-t will hit the fan. Don't rely on this guy.


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