# Update with a Few Questions



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I went to marriage counseling on Monday, it was a great session ! I talked about the EA that H was having. H doesn't think what he did was wrong even though he said there was a connection there( keep in mind this OW is H brothers wife) 

My counselor said that if H thinks it is okay he should have no trouble telling his brother about it. I asked H last night if he was still talking to the OW and he said no. He didn't want the drama and stopped talking to her. I don't know if I believe him, I'm just going to go with my gut feeling.

I'm still trying to mend my marriage, I made a list of things that me and my Counselor talked about things that I can offer my marriage. After MC H picked me up and we talked about all those things and I could tell he was interested. I'm hoping that he is starting to come around. 

If I do find out he is still talking to her , and I know I will. Then I will be filing for a D and also exposure the EA. 

My question is , how do I show him that I'm changing if he doesn't give me the chance to show him. 

Ex: On Tuesday H had to take our daughter home which is a 3 hour drive there and a 3 hour drive back. I asked him if I could go and he said sure. He was mad at me all the time way and back . When I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him again he said you want the truth" I was looking forward to just being with our daughter" I said " why didn't you just say that " He said " cause you would have got mad" 

Right there he would have seen that I was changing I would not of got mad ! SO I have no idea how to show him that I'm changing cause he thinks I'm the old me ! 

Help


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Doesn't make sense. He's the one having the EA, but he gets mad at you for wanting to be with him? In my case, I couldn't stand the sight of her after discovering the EA. It's the loyal spouse who's generally mad at the disloyal one, isn't it? I suggest you give him the 180, let him know what he will be missing.

M.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Not necessarily. From what I've read, and in my expirience, Its the DS who gets mad. Their embarassed for getting caughtt, resentful for getting caught, and they have justified what they were doing so they dont think anyting wrong happened. 

Sure the LS will be angry and upset for what their spouse did. But we're usually willing to forgive and make things better.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You could have responded to him (about the time with daughter) that you didn't know that, and how about next time they go just the two of them. By not losing your temper and still being calm and considerate, you are showing him that you are changing. 

I am glad to hear that the MC told him that he wouldn't mind telling his brother about all the contact going on between him and his brothers wife if it wasn't an EA. Have you seen if they are still talking yet??


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I don't know if they are still talking. My MIL called her and told her she needs to stop talking cause it is causing a lot of problems in the family. 

Last night was horrible , the OW called me cause her daughter oded on Estasy. This is 2 times now. I went there but when I seen her I was not able to support her. I was so angry , and H went to and I tried to stay with him all the time. He did go away with her a few times which made my blood boil . But I didn't freak out cause I know he is waiting for that 

As for my Brother Law, I think he knows. Last night was the first time I seen him show affection to his wife which is the one from the EA.

It really is a huge mess, and I don't know how I'm going to show him I have changed when he doesn't give me the chance.The other night he was in a mood and I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked again he said things are falling apart. I said it it is hard for me to be here tell me and I will go to the shelter. He said no I don't want you to leave. 

Still no touching allowed he won't let me. I'm only going to give so much if he doesn't start to show something I will be leaving and filing for a divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell your BIL. If you want to save your marriage, HE HAS TO KNOW. 

Your H has no reason to stop talking to her; he has no consequences! 

Why are you not mad at him? 

HE is the cheater, not you. And yet, instead, you focus on making HIM like YOU. You should be mad, and HE should have to be proving to YOU that he is not contacting her. Have you asked for his phone to check it at random times (so he doesn't have time to delete messages)?


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

There is a lot of history behind the whole story I cheated on him 5 years ago and I thought we got through it. But we didn't and I had no idea till the 30th of Dec when he told me it was over cause of my past. 

Believe me I'm mad at him, and he would never let me see his cell phone. And I can't see the bills cause it is a company phone. 

I'm going to wait a few weeks and then ask BIL to let me see the phone bills from OW. They were to stop talking a week ago so there should be no calls from then. They could be talking on email though but I'm going to install a keylogger on his computer to find out. 

If I find out I will expose them . Right not know one knows cause my H doesn't want people to know. I could tell that my BIL knows some things but I don't think he knows the extent of it. 

I asked H if he wanted a D he said not, what happens if I can't live without you ! But if I find out that they are still talking I will file for a Divorce


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Him telling you that it's YOUR fault that he's leaving...he could have done that 5 years ago. Most men don't leave their wives over an unhappy marriage. They only leave when there's ANOTHER WOMAN he can run to.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I totally agree with you , nothing seemed to bother him . Now since he started talking to her is when things got bad. I had no idea this was going on till 2 weeks ago. When someone has a EA they find everything wrong with their spouse. I tend to think that if these things bothered him so much he would never have stayed 5 more years


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jaded --- can I ask you a question? Do YOU think that you deserve this because of the past indiscretions? Your actions seem to reflect a thinking of "karma has come full circle" is why I ask. I don't believe that at all. No way is his cheating going to magically be okay because you did it 5 years ago.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

No I don't think I deserve this at all. For the past 5 years I have been a good wife to him. I baby him actually. The thing that makes me think that this EA has something to do with the whole thing is because he is bringing up things for over 13 years ago. 

If it was that bad he would not have stayed another 14 years. 

He finally told me this morning that he has feeling for OW , I asked him what does that mean , he said nothing cause I can continue it that is my brothers wife


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jaded Heart said:


> No I don't think I deserve this at all. For the past 5 years I have been a good wife to him. I baby him actually. The thing that makes me think that this EA has something to do with the whole thing is because he is bringing up things for over 13 years ago.


Good. You were starting to make me think that you were under that belief, and no one should ever have to think that. No one "deserves" to be cheated on. It happens, and there are always reasons and excuses, but its never deserved. As long as you know that I think you are going to pull through just fine. 

What is your move from here? He isn't continuing talking to your SIL? Are you planning on checking on that? What are your boundaries with all of this??


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

We just got back from a drive , I knew that SIL and him spoke last night and I asked him what they talked about 

He said that OW was feeling guilty cause her H was trying so hard to make their marriage work but she couldn't cause she has feelings for my H. My H told her to be honest with him.

So she did , and MY BIL called my H getting pretty mad and yelling , swearing, and told my H to stay the F away from his family. 

I'm pretty sure that means my H will stay away from her, 

As for us, he still thinks it is best that we divorce. He can not handle my past. I asked him why did you stay so long then, he went on to say that he blinded himself to what was going on. I asked him if he could look into the future and see us happy and having a great marriage would it be worth it. He said it would but the past would still be there. 

I mentioned maybe we could go to the counselor to help him deal with my past. He didn't say no and he didn't say yes. I will leave it at that for now and see what happens,

As for now I'm not going to worry about pleasing him . He has mad it clear that we are done so I won't be doing anything for him anymore. I'm going to work on me and my kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's all you can do, if he's going to act like a baby.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
Let the exposure of the affair take it's course, when the fog lifts from the affair things could change for your relationship, just keep telling your husband that you are willing to work through this and that you think he is still a good man who just got lost in a mistake.
This is a difficult situation just be the soft place for your husband to land, make home a peaceful, safe place for him to be.
And keep in mind just because you had an affair doesn't make his choices right, you were wrong with your choices and he is wrong now.......
no one holds a gun to anyone else's head, it's a free choice.
be the best you can be, look good, smell good........be understanding and compassionate..........
hug him through this to keep the physical connection going......
it's the little things that keep him there for now.........
let him feel the brunt of what his choices have done to your lives.
the sooner he lives through it the sooner you can move forward.
give him time to process........and understand......


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

See the problem with all this is, he doesn't think it was an affair. I mentioned that his brother called him and freaked out and told him to stay away from his family. I asked H this morning if he was still talking to SIL and he said yes , but just" HI How are you , how was your day " 

I don't get that I would think my H would rescept his brother and not talk to SIL so they can work on their marriage. You can not try to fix a marriage when there is a 3rd party in there. 

Hug him, not a chance. He won't let me touch him. I finally asked him why can't I touch you he said cause it brings all those evil feelings back to me !


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It doesn't matter what he tells himself.

What matters is that - now - YOU want nothing to do with him without him meeting your requirements.

HE won't let YOU touch HIM because of evil feelings?

You DO realize that is 100% utter manipulation, right?

Come on. Get mad. You're smarter than this. He's cheating on you and he's trying to deflect all the blame on YOU so that you will shut up and let him keep cheating.

You deserve better. 

If he won't let you touch him, say 'Fine! Then I'm packing your bags and you can be out by 6pm.'


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