# I just ruined our reconciliation



## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Don't know what to do to fix this. I doubted him about something to do with the office and when he confronted me about not believing him it set off a whole night of arguing. Apparently, he feels like he has been living under a microscope and resents it. He has said many times that he will do anything to fix this-I now know this is not true. He's known all along that because of all of the initial lies, I don't believe that I know everything. He wanted to know if I ever would and when I couldn't answer-he got very angry, saying that I haven't healed at all, that we're back at the beginning and that all of my loving moments with him the past few months have been false. 

I thought a spouse wanting to reconcile would be more understanding of triggers, or lingering questions. Obviously not. I am so devastated right now.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Change the title of this thread to "He just ruined our reconciliation".

You have no blame in this. He's essentially yelling at you for not being able to walk after he broke both your legs. "Aren't you healed yet? Stop being so lazy. You're living in the past. I've agreed to never break your legs again, I don't understand why you're still just sitting in that wheelchair."


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Annesnerl said:


> Don't know what to do to fix this. I doubted him about something to do with the office and when he confronted me about not believing him it set off a whole night of arguing. Apparently, he feels like he has been living under a microscope and resents it. He has said many times that he will do anything to fix this-I now know this is not true. He's known all along that because of all of the initial lies, I don't believe that I know everything. He wanted to know if I ever would and when I couldn't answer-he got very angry, saying that I haven't healed at all, that we're back at the beginning and that all of my loving moments with him the past few months have been false.
> 
> I thought a spouse wanting to reconcile would be more understanding of triggers, or lingering questions. Obviously not. I am so devastated right now.


First of all, *you* are wrong that you ruined the reconciliation. It was your spouse that ruined it.

You see, to truly reconcile, your spouse must feel genuine remorse, and be willing to do the "heavy lifting" which includes understanding your feelings, comforting you, and being willing to work with you to ease your pain. His reaction of being angry flies in the face of genuine remorse. His lack of patience indicates that he simply wants you to "get over it" but bears no responsibility for the "it" he caused.

I feel your pain, but always understand that your emotions are genuine and you are entitled to feel what you feel. He is supposed to want to help heal you, since he caused your pain to begin with. His anger is uncalled for.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I concur

He ruined it, not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Annesnerl said:


> Don't know what to do to fix this. I doubted him about something to do with the office and when he confronted me about not believing him it set off a whole night of arguing. Apparently, he feels like he has been living under a microscope and resents it. He has said many times that he will do anything to fix this-I now know this is not true. He's known all along that because of all of the initial lies, I don't believe that I know everything. He wanted to know if I ever would and when I couldn't answer-he got very angry, saying that I haven't healed at all, that we're back at the beginning and that all of my loving moments with him the past few months have been false.
> 
> I thought a spouse wanting to reconcile would be more understanding of triggers, or lingering questions. Obviously not. I am so devastated right now.



He should say something more along the lines of "I don't blame you, I caused you to feel like that.. I understand"

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity


In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

*He must be totally honest with you about everything
He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.*
He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
He must feel your pain.
He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
* He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.*
He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
* He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.*
He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
* He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.*
He must be willing to seek counseling.
He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them. 

Here is a list of things that you must do:

Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
Be open with your feelings.
Ask the questions that are important to you.
Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
* You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.*
You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Annesnerl said:


> I thought a spouse wanting to reconcile would be more understanding of triggers, or lingering questions. Obviously not. I am so devastated right now.


Unfortunately this is all too common.

They "break your legs", and then complain left and right that you are crippled, and how this inconveniences them.

This is logically expected since they were narcissistic enough to engage in infidelity in the first place.

If they will drop you out of the loop, lie, and cheat left and right, it's reasonable to think they will have a lot of trouble getting out of themselves to help you heal.

After so much selfishness for so long, it's logical to expect them to struggle showing sincere compassion now.

Is it fair to demand it under the circumstances? Absolutely.

Is it fair for them to complain about being in the penalty box? Not at all.

Will they show frustration with your distrust? Not a doubt.

This is a huge transition for them. And this fella is showing signs of wear.

Put him in his place until he starts to mature and show some sincere compassion.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Alright Anne, first off you DID NOT ruin this reconciliation or relationship. I'll say that again. 

YOU DID NOT RUIN RECONCILIATION. 

Your husband is a jerk and a cheater. He blame-shifts and deflects- a (common traits for all cheaters and betrayers.) 

Get divorced. It's so much better. Life is so much better than living in in limbo or being the warden for your own marriage. 

You can't trust him- as evident of his affair. And you will never be able to- as evident of his lack of remorse and shady behavior. 


Get divorced. No contact. Put him in the rearview mirror and never look back.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

So sorry you are finding this out. It sounds like he is not remorseful. Mine did this too. Was kind of sorry at first and eventually not, and just wanted me to get over it, and he wasn't sure we could survive because of me! Project much ??!! yeah and he was still cheating the whole time. Sorry OP , but I don't think he is remorseful, to quote CL "Sorry is as sorry does". He's not acting sorry because he isn't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's not you. It's him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Obviously your spouse is not thinking things through. He is trying to rugsweep but what he fails to understand is that rugsweeping not only doesn't heal you and the relationship, it perpetuates his own pain and guilt. Very shortsighted.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Unfortunately this is all too common.
> 
> They "break your legs", and then complain left and right that you are crippled, and how this inconveniences them.


And yet you, like many, want your marriage. It is not just that his position as you have described it is not fair or reasonable, it is also that it suggests he is not serious about this reconciliation stuff if it means he can't keep secrets from you about what he is might or might not be doing outside of the marriage. Every BS has been there, including those who have worked through this in reconciliation. His position is bs. Use that information however you see fit.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

First off, everyone here so far is absolutely right, you did not ruin anything. Healing, rebuilding trust after the worst kind of betrayal, these things take time. Naturally you shouldn't question his absolute every move or hover over him like a owl observing it's prey, but he needs to understand that rebuilding that trust is a process. It grows little by little. 

When it comes to an affair, there are nearly always a series of clues or indicators (red flags) that appear before the betrayal is discovered, or are finally made apparent once it is discovered. We feel foolish for having been so deceived and blindly trusting, for having misread or ignored all the "signs". Just as we learn not to touch a hot stove top when we get burned, we learn to pay much closer attention to future signs and consider them much more thoughtfully

My point is that it seems pretty common for the WS to view trust as an on or off switch, at least from what I've seen here and in my own life. The reality after an affair is that trust is more like a dimmer switch. They think that they can rebuild the trust quickly, in a matter of months maybe, and once things seem to be going really well in the relationship (like the loving moments you mentioned), they seem to think that the trust "switch" is back on, all is well again. In truth, your trust level in that moment might be up to say 40%, or about 40% of what it was before the betrayal. At 40%, you can probably brush aside most of the smaller "red flags" that might pop up. Signs that _*could*_ be indicative of a potential affair or something similar, but it's also just as possible, if not more likely, that there is a reasonable/innocent explanation for it. 

Like if he gets home 30 minutes late, it's probably more likely that he stopped at the store to get some groceries, give a co-worker a ride home, mail a package, drop off a tool that a friend asked to borrow, etc. On D-Day, when the trust was at 0%, you might have grilled him like a KGB interrogator for that, but now you're willing to assume that it's totally innocent. If he is 3 hours late however, and doesn't respond to your calls after he was about one hour late, then that might be too much of a "red flag" for your 40% trust level to handle, and you'll have questions for him when he returns, or ask to see his phone, etc.

From his angle, he may have thought that the trust "switch" was on, so hearing these doubts and questions make him feel like the trust "switch" is actually off, and suddenly thinks that all of the pleasant loving moments and "living under a microscope" for months hasn't done any good at all. As if he has been a fool to believe otherwise. While he understood that he would have to live under that microscope for a while and that you would have doubts and questions for a while, he figured that it would be better by now or at least some major progress seen. Yet an "on/off switch" mentality can't reflect progress, so not being able to see it would make him question if it is really an issue of needing more time/effort to rebuild the trust, or if it's a question of whether you are capable of trusting him again.

Lastly, remember that the work and sacrifices he has to put in to rebuild the trust is hard and it sucks. It's his own fault of course, and naturally his responsibility so I'm not saying we should feel too bad for him, but it's worth remembering that it does suck. It's not exactly your responsibility to constantly reassure him or affirm his efforts, but when you can do so, it probably does a lot to help motivate him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Reconciliation is a hard job for both parties. Both are going to have times when they feel resentful and rebellious, no matter how worthy the end goal. I wonder what percentage of R attempts work? I have - fortunately - never had to face this from either side of it, but suspect I wouldn't even want to try. Kudos to you for trying, and hopefully this is just a temporary setback.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Allen, either I wrote something I am unaware of or you are pretty far off base. I am one of those guys who has gone through, is still going through, the meat grinder in maybe misguided or hopeless effort to save my marriage and family. I am 2 years into it. Not simply walking away has damaged me professionally, emotionally, physically, and in probably countless other ways. I am told almost every day by my WS how she hates me or thinks I am disgusting. I don't know what runs through her head or why, but I think that is anger and rage expressing itself, not her. And I slog through for my children and for the idea of my family and marriage that I hope will come together again. Your comment is way off base. That happens here. It is an emotionally charged place. But as I read your post a second time I was a little bit miffed. Go have a nice one.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

OP is apparently in pain and probably suffering some psychological trauma following her husband's infidelity. That is not a small thing. His attitude seems to be it's over, get over it and get off my back. It doesn't work that way. You don't just get over this kind of injury. The person who is best positioned to help the healing seems to be doing nothing to even so much as acknowledge what he has inflicted. And the attitude of its over get over suggests a serious lack of basic human, let alone spousal, compassion or capacity for empathy, at least in their present state. Thanks, Allen. Rant is over.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Seems like a victim puke to me. 

He had a covert contract with you. "If I do X you will do y". 

Wrong. It doesn't work that way. Tell him to work on fixing his own ****. To get right with the world and once he stops seeking tit for tat from you, you can start trying to believe him. 

It's his affair, you owe him nothing


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'll echo the rest of the folks here - this is HIS problem, not yours. Any WS that has the "hurry up and get over it" attitude isn't worth reconciling with. Even WS's who are fully and completely remorseful, patient and understanding...for me cheating is a dealbreaker. But if it isn't for you, he better do it on YOUR terms, and he isn't willing to. Find a good man that'll treat you right. We ARE out there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry this ended up this way.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel stay focused on it and have the confidence to move towards it.

So please find the strength knowing the micro scope your old man referrs to is of his own making and since he can't except the consequences then give him an even bigger consequences.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Time to go file for divorce. He isn't sorry for what he did to you, he is sorry for getting caught and that's no way for you to waste your time around. If there is true sincerity in what a cheater has caused, you will feel that in your bones. If you do not feel it in that way, you are wasting time. Time to go!

*Just my opinion. I wasted 3 and a half years trying to R. Have never felt that she was sorry for what she did, only sorry for getting caught. I filed 3 weeks ago and man I feel so good. I no longer have to worry or sit in limbo. It feels good to let go and be free and not have to worry about is she will ever do that to me again. I won't let her have that power over me anymore.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Gurl you need to show him whos boss and have the strength to show him he phucked up.
So even if you have to fake it...smile, wish him the best and tell him to start looking for a place.

At the end of the day even his words mean nothing...next time have the strength and stop giving him any emotion and arguing and getting andry. This tells him you are still attached.

Indifference and the 180 will get you through this. Put up this wall that will emotionally protect you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what its worth me and my old lady had some heated arguement after d day and in the end I found that it was better to not argue, tell her hows its going to be and take it or leave it....end of all arguements.

You need to find that kind of strenght....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters have no idea how hard it is for their betrayed spouse to get beyond what they caused. And to trust again. Some never can get that trust back. It's a long process.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You did not ruin anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

According to your earlier posts, your husband is a serial cheater many times over. I'm very sorry. 

But.....this is who he is. This is what serial cheaters do. He's mad now because he genuinely assumed that all it would take for things to blow over is for him to act like a good boy for a few weeks or months. He's impatient now to get back to it. And in his eyes, you're the one being difficult by not forgiving him and letting everything get back to normal.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Rowan said:


> According to your earlier posts, your husband is a serial cheater many times over. I'm very sorry.
> 
> But.....this is who he is. This is what serial cheaters do. He's mad now because he genuinely assumed that all it would take for things to blow over is for him to act like a good boy for a few weeks or months. He's impatient now to get back to it. And in his eyes, you're the one being difficult by not forgiving him and letting everything get back to normal.


Yeah. Sorry. Reading this post I went to your profile to see prior threads. It is not always easy to discern what is going on with a poster here and that helped. The angry reaction to your upset and asking what is going on is sadly pretty clearly indicative (ask me how I know) that he is hiding things that he wants to keep hidden and at this point thinks enough of you that he does not think he should share them. And that is the truth. The angry reaction to reasonable questions says the same thing every time. It did to me for on and on and I would be sent of spinning geeze I must have done something wrong. It is not my intent to tell you what to do with that, just what it is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You may still be married, but you sure aren't in R. Your husband is not the least bit remorseful.

Unless you want to sweep everything under the rug and live by his rules, you need to take a stand.


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Annesnerl said:


> I thought a spouse wanting to reconcile would be more understanding of triggers, or lingering questions.


I'm so sorry this happened. It's definitely not your fault. Have you let him know specifically what you expect of him, things that are non-negotiable if you are going to R? Maybe if it's crystal clear and he still can't respect your wishes, that's telling of his true feelings.

I have been through the ringer with my husband as a result of my A. He was dishing it (mistrust, anger, resentment, etc.) and I kept taking it and trying to show love and reassurance because I really want to save our marriage. 

On the flip side... I'm also a BS. Until recently, when I had my triggers, my WS didn't comfort me or do as I asked, he instead lashed out at me. In MC, a few discussions about inequality in our marriage seemed to help him to be more mindful about responding appropriately to me when I have triggers and being more compassionate, in general.

IMHO, I think it's a blow to a some men's ego to be questioned or blamed, even if it is absolutely justified. Not saying to tip-toe around him at all, but maybe tell him what you need to hang in there (write it on paper if you need to). If he's not willing to stick with it, given that he's a repeat offender, it really might be time to move on...

***HUGS***


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Annesnerl said:


> Don't know what to do to fix this. I doubted him about something to do with the office and when he confronted me about not believing him it set off a whole night of arguing. Apparently, he feels like he has been living under a microscope and resents it.


Well that's just to fkn bad. Anyone that has been caught cheating and wants to keep their marriage should expect to be under a microscope for a while. Its asinine for him to think he should get to skate easy.




> He has said many times that he will do anything to fix this-I now know this is not true.


You didn't ruin your reconciliation. He did by not being remorseful enough and not willing to face the consequences of his actions.




> He's known all along that because of all of the initial lies, I don't believe that I know everything. He wanted to know if I ever would and when I couldn't answer-he got very angry, saying that I haven't healed at all, that we're back at the beginning and that all of my loving moments with him the past few months have been false.


He doesn't get to act all offended here. He doesn't get to basically emotionally abuse you, then expect you to just get over it.

Have you considered getting rid of him?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I divorced. My stbxw didn't want to work on R. I can only read as to what's involved and it hardships. I would say this: Let him read what we are saying here. Maybe he doesn't know that all the BS's feel like "They Have had their legs broken and are then yelled at for still being in wheel chair" after the WS gets frustrated for having to work this hard. Maybe he didn't know? Maybe it was a mistake. 

I'd almost bet its common that since your H has never gone through R he doesn't know the rules, or atleast what TAM says. It is probably the first time he's been caught. I know they has to be many setbacks in R, maybe this is one of them?

Reaffirm the rules, make a stand. What your going through will have set backs. I hope this is all it is and he will start again to gain your trust. Sorry your here.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Annesnerl said:


> *I just ruined our reconciliation*


3 times... No I did not... No I did not... No I did Not.

He cheated, you were faithful. Cheaters never, never, never... get a pass. If they don't like it fine!

Move On, and we will discuss our next dis-agreement in County Superior Court.


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the support! I really like the post about what we each should be doing-might just print it! He would flip if he knew I was on here-he gets offended when someone tells me to leave him. I'm going to keep trying-I know this was a set back-it's just been awhile since he has been so hurtful. I understand he is stressed and feeling under attack. Funny thing is-I am so quiet and hate conflict so much-he has no idea what a normal woman would do in this situation. One of my friends actually suggested honey and ants...the only thing I did was throw away our wedding photo. Anyway-you are a great group-thanks again!!!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OMG!!!

I thought I was the only one living with a spouse who responds like this. I have been living like this since day one it seems. 

~ sammy


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> OMG!!!
> 
> I thought I was the only one living with a spouse who responds like this. I have been living like this since day one it seems.
> 
> ~ sammy


And it is part of blameshifting. It is not worth the agony going through this. When you go through a false R, you kind of know it. When my wife came clean and repented in April of this year, I knew it was real.

No more let's get over this, or lies or blocking. It is great when they take full responsibility and you see it and feel it.


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