# Just curious or obsession about first love?



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Just curious - if you have had this experience - how do you react:

Husband has just rediscovered his first love from high school. I discovered this while using his computer - with his permission. While he has not made contact (that I know of) since he located her profile on FB, but he returns to it at least every other day - sometimes multiple times a day. This is the only person he is seeking out - other than her sister too. It seems to have become a sort of obsession and when I asked about who this person was, he explained that he was heartbroken when they parted. It seems to me he has not gotten over her. 

We have been trying to work through a bunch of other issues and life has been pretty good for about 4 months and then he started doing this and I could immediately sense something was different. He was pulling back. While we have not been able to have a good discussion about this, it is clear from what we have had that he still has feelings for her. 

I am hurt. I have asked for was loyalty, commitment, and honesty in our relationship and then this happens. I am not sure how to react. He said he was just curious. I said if he was curious, looking her up one time would have satisfied that curiosity. This is more than curiosity. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill - as he said?


----------



## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

How old is your husband? How old are you? Have there been any stressors in his life recently? Has he exhibited any unusual behaviors other than this one lately?


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Katiebird said:


> *We have been trying to work through a bunch of other issues *and life has been pretty good for about 4 months and then he started doing this and I could immediately sense something was different. He was pulling back. While we have not been able to have a good discussion about this, it is clear from what we have had that he still has feelings for her.
> 
> I am hurt. I have asked for was loyalty, commitment, and honesty in our relationship and then this happens. I am not sure how to react. He said he was just curious. I said if he was curious, looking her up one time would have satisfied that curiosity. This is more than curiosity. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill - as he said?



What other issues are you two trying to work though?


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

We are both nearing retirement age so this has been from about 45- 50 years ago. Nothing particularly unusual.


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm in my 50s. I would love to know how my first love's life has turned out and whether she is doing well. But I'm a married man. My first love has no roll in my life. It would be unfair to my wife to re-engage with her even for the most platonic of reasons. It would be different if we had remained friends over the years.

For your husband to be obsessing over her now is a clear sign that he's unhappy and wistful about what might have been. He's playing with fire. I've seen many marriages that fell apart after someone got back together with an old flame. You should be concerned. Very concerned.

The question is, what should you do about it? It would be easy to drive him further away. On the other hand, doing nothing is going to haunt you. My instinct would be to sit down and a heart-to-heart talk about what is missing in his life that he's trying to go back into his past. I'd also let him know how frightened this makes you.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

You might want to read other threads I've started for some history. Much to long to get into here, but one involved an old classmate (female) - but different from this one.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

FalCod said:


> I'm in my 50s. I would love to know how my first love's life has turned out and whether she is doing well. But I'm a married man. My first love has no roll in my life. It would be unfair to my wife to re-engage with her even for the most platonic of reasons. It would be different if we had remained friends over the years.
> 
> For your husband to be obsessing over her now is a clear sign that he's unhappy and wistful about what might have been. He's playing with fire. I've seen many marriages that fell apart after someone got back together with an old flame. You should be concerned. Very concerned.
> 
> The question is, what should you do about it? It would be easy to drive him further away. On the other hand, doing nothing is going to haunt you. My instinct would be to sit down and a heart-to-heart talk about what is missing in his life that he's trying to go back into his past. I'd also let him know how frightened this makes you.


Thanks. That is kind of what I am hoping to do.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Since he is getting close to retirement
he may just be thinking about what if, what
could have been etc. It does not mean
he wants to see them. It could mean he is
just curious how other people turned out.
Talk to him and explain how you feel.
Do not however let him go to any
reunions alone ever. I many years ago
found out what happened to my
HS love. She has been divorced twice
since she cheated on her husbands.
Boy did I miss a bullet on that one.
Be there for him an try and get him to understand 
that you are have and all ways will be there for him.
I think you will be ok.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

sa58 said:


> Since he is getting close to retirement
> he may just be thinking about what if, what
> could have been etc. It does not mean
> he wants to see them. It could mean he is
> ...


I am sure he is wistful and wonders what life would have been like with "someone else." It is just that after the last incident we had with a female classmate last year and trying to get him to realize how much THAT incident hurt, and promises to focus on OUR relationship and marriage -- just 4 months ago -- for him to start searching for a former love is very hurtful. It is damaging the trust I was starting to rebuild. He said that he was sorry - from across the room - and now feels like I should just forgive and forget. But my TRUST in him has been shaken to the bone.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Katiebird said:


> *You might want to read other threads I've started for some history. * Much to long to get into here, but one involved an old classmate (female) - but different from this one.


I did that. 

Your husband has a history of absolutely appallingly poor boundaries with other women. He also doesn't appear to think other people's boundaries are important, or even relevant. Even yours. Because he very clearly doesn't respect you or your feelings. You had to *ask* for loyalty, commitment and honesty. From your husband. If he were inclined to give you those things, you wouldn't have had to ask. 

It's up to you whether you want to keep putting up with this sort of bull****. Because it's pretty apparent at this point that it's going to keep happening.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I could see myself being a FB stalker if I came across someone from my past, simply because I would be curious what their life turned out like, that doesn't mean I would want to speak with them again though. 

The issue you have is you don't trust your husband and he seems to be more concerned with satisfying his curiosity than regaining your trust. That's shows a lack empathy toward your feelings in my book. If he had an affair in the past he gave up the right to say "nothing to worry about, just trust me". He needs to stay squeaky clean and fully transparent if he wants to regain your trust.


----------



## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

My first HS girlfriend (together about 3 yrs - she dumped me - this was 50 years ago) found my FB profile about 5 years ago and friended me. I was happy to hear from her and how her life turned out. There is no hard feelings or unresolved issues from HS so long ago, we both have some humerous and fond memories of that time. She had two failed marriages and then her current one, and she has a son and grandchildren. Finally got it right she says. I share any interesting news of her FB postings (which appear in my "feed") with my wife, who knows that we PM each other from time to time. We message or post on each others profiles about once every two months or so. I am happy for her that her life is good. My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. We understand that at this age my HS GFs and other female acquaintances from the past are no threat to our marriage.

So I guess it depends on the circumstances. I have not read your past postings.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

He's right that you're making a mountain, but that's only because he hasn't actually contacted her, and it dismisses the fact that he's basically been stalking her almost needing regular and frequent updates. In his mind, he hasn't done any harm because there have been no attempts for contact. But that doesn't make you wrong or crazy or blowing this out of proportion. It makes you cautious because he has already gone farther than he should have being a married man.

But look, the thing is you don't spend your marriage begging your spouse to respect you and arguing with him about his cheating ways. I don't believe spouses should implicitly trust each other. It's just nonsensical to me since cheating does occur, everyone can be susceptible to it, and betrayed spouses are always caught by surprise, or rather caught by surprise the first time, but after it happens once, I think a person is just stupid to trust their spouse again. So if you and he are supposed to be working on you gaining back trust, then you have no business questioning his current actions because, like I said, he has already gone too far. If you need to bug him and have arguments about his actions due to lack of trust, you need to find other things to spend your time doing, like packing and finding other accommodations.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may talk a good game but his actions say he hasn't changed.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Could he be contacting her on FB and then deleting the messages? How would you know????


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

scatty said:


> Could he be contacting her on FB and then deleting the messages? How would you know????


I'm not sure I would.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Nothing wrong in talking to old exes if done properly. The last couple of "exes" (college dating) and I are still good friends after 35 years. One of the two lives in the same city where s-wife now lives and before s-day we socialized as couples.

I did chase down my fist flame to a university in the UK where she teaches. Exchanged a few polite emails over the years, nothing more.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

john117 said:


> Nothing wrong in talking to old exes if done properly. The last couple of "exes" (college dating) and I are still good friends after 35 years. One of the two lives in the same city where s-wife now lives and before s-day we socialized as couples.
> 
> I did chase down my fist flame to a university in the UK where she teaches. Exchanged a few polite emails over the years, nothing more.



Were you married? Was she married? Did you keep it a secret? Did you look up 1st flame almost daily and sometimes multiple times per day? I had an old flame contact me a few years ago and wanted to stop by. I agreed but I asked my husband to be there and join us for his visit. It went fine and I had a "it was nice to see you" email from him after but telling my husband and having him there changed the tenor of the whole thing.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Well things did not go well for our discussion. We had been reading a popular book by a minister so I asked him to re-listen (audible) the section on what loyalty means to a woman. He said that he was just curious. That's it. I explained that my trust in him was damaged. I turned on the section on loyalty and committment and after it ended, he got up without a word to go do something else. That's it. i don't know, curious, to me, is looking up someone one tine, or maybe once every year or two. Not multiple times a day for a couple of weeks - which was when I mentioned it. 

So again I come to the realization that I either live with the existing conditions or make a decision to move on. I had such high hopes for us. Very discouraging!


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

StarFires said:


> He's right that you're making a mountain, but that's only because he hasn't actually contacted her, and it dismisses the fact that he's basically been stalking her almost needing regular and frequent updates. In his mind, he hasn't done any harm because there have been no attempts for contact. But that doesn't make you wrong or crazy or blowing this out of proportion. It makes you cautious because he has already gone farther than he should have being a married man.
> 
> But look, the thing is you don't spend your marriage begging your spouse to respect you and arguing with him about his cheating ways. I don't believe spouses should implicitly trust each other. It's just nonsensical to me since cheating does occur, everyone can be susceptible to it, and betrayed spouses are always caught by surprise, or rather caught by surprise the first time, but after it happens once, I think a person is just stupid to trust their spouse again. So if you and he are supposed to be working on you gaining back trust, then you have no business questioning his current actions because, like I said, he has already gone too far. If you need to bug him and have arguments about his actions due to lack of trust, you need to find other things to spend your time doing, like packing and finding other accommodations.



I have to say I love that statement. Relationships boil down to that simple thing called respect. If you respect the person you're with and they respect you most problems can be solved, if one of you lack respect for the other then you are with the wrong person and the relationship will always be a struggle, and not worth it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Katiebird said:


> Were you married? Was she married? Did you keep it a secret? Did you look up 1st flame almost daily and sometimes multiple times per day? I had an old flame contact me a few years ago and wanted to stop by. I agreed but I asked my husband to be there and join us for his visit. It went fine and I had a "it was nice to see you" email from him after but telling my husband and having him there changed the tenor of the whole thing.


Exactly. There's the healthy way to do it and the obsession way.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When I got on FB I found a couple of old girlfriends, including the first girl I ever dated and the first I was intimate with. Exchanged a few messages. Still stay in touch every few months, but we all have our own lives now - there is not the slightest thought of anything more than friendship. (other than the triggering of a few nice memories...).

I think contact with exes is fine, but obsession is a big problem.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

This is an old thread but I wanted to update. Guess what. DH asked me for a divorce after contacting his old flame. Said he never really loved me - wanted to be with her all along. Moving on. Lesson learned.


----------



## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I just read through the thread. Just curious - what is the lesson learned? I will say that I do question your having a first crush over to your home - even with your husband there - what was the value of this interaction?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If there are no other real problems in a ltr, it's likely making a mountain out of a mole hill.

OP, only you know all the circumstance.

I can say I stay in remote, very erratically contact with a couple exes that we were bf/gf (gotta love puppy love I guess) in elementary school and later in HS with physical relations.

But this only as part of a small core group of maybe 8-10 persons I was in every class with since 4th grade through graduating HS.

We all are the group that took all the hardest courses, college prep etc, and half of us were tested and put in what was then called "gifted" ELP classes.

And my father passed away when I was in 4th or 5th grade, and this group was really part of my extended "family".

Sports, band, classes, (puberty ) we were pretty close.

After our 10th and 15th reunion we kind of regrouped casually through FB, and stay in sporadic contact.

Long story short,, my DW knows all this, and it's no big deal.

DW doesn't care to hang out with this group and I and 90% doesn't go with me on weekend trips when I see them but we trust each other.

My hometown friends are all small town folk, although we all went to college, moved away, some of us moved relatively back close and can plan a visit - my DW doesn't go because she isn't a small town person and just calls us all ******** still .

I've been M 35yrs. And for now my class is planning a 40yr reunion, at 57 yrs old we've been through a lot, still going happily along in our M.


----------

