# Head Games



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

Alright, so I am hard-headed. I know that the responses to my last post were 100% to just be done with my husband. It is just so hard after being together for 25 years.

I guess I just need to vent some more and have people scream at me for even thinking of continuing to try working things out.

Last night my husband called - all weepy - he said that he had decided there were only three ways things could go from here. We keep trying to work things out while separated, he ends the marriage, or he kills himself. He said that he had decided to end the marriage. That he can't take the pain any more. Mind you, we have only been separated for a little over three weeks.

This morning I called our counselor and told him that, while I am trying to get a handle on my co-dependence, I felt that I needed to let him know what my husband had said. When my husband saw him last week the counselor had forgotten his appointment book. My husband called him Monday or Tuesday to make an appointment, but had not heard back yet. I told him that I felt it was really important for my husband to get in to see him this week.

So, this evening my husband calls, somehow he figured out that I had called the counselor, he says for me not to worry about him. I am currently on Lexapro due to the stress of our relationship. He told me that he wants me to not worry any more, that he will be fine and that he wants me to get off the pills. Now, if he really meant that, why tell me he is suicidal? What kind of game is that? 

He went on to tell me all the reasons why he felt he was making the right decision to end the marriage. We talked for 20 minutes or so and I told him I had to go because I had dinner in the oven and somebody was supposed to be coming by to get instructions for taking care of the dogs for me this weekend. So then he says - what do I want him to do? This, after two days of telling me he is done. Oh, and when I told him that I hoped he would continue seeing the counselor he said that he had only been going for me. Now, am I wrong... but, if he doesn't really want to change and is only doing something to please me, is that ever going to work? If his heart isn't really in it, if he doesn't really have any desire to be a better person, isn't he just going to be resentful and fail?

I am just so tired of the head games. Every time we talk he says something different. He says he understands that I need some time, but he says he can't give it to me. He says he will do anything and then the next time we talk he says he is done. Should I tell him I need a solid answer? Either he is willing to give me the time, or we should move forward with a divorce? I feel wrong saying that because, for a while, I was the one waffling. But, that had more to do with his drinking and my co-dependence. I wanted so much for him to just do whatever made him happy, that I didn't care how unhappy I was. I have now decided what I need and I have not wavered. It is hard - I have told him that. I told him that it is so hard to not just tell him to come back home and we will work it out. But, I know that won't work.

So, what do I do? Whaaaaa - I am so tired


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

From his standpoint, he's spent many years just doing whatever feels right for him, not your family as a whole. I think it has set him up to believe even the smallest gestures, a card, some flowers, should get a huge response compared to his past efforts. He doesn't seem to understand how broken your marriage really is and doesn't seem capable of a long-term commitment to change at the moment.

Either it's the fear of being alone (either get back together now or get divorced now so I can find another wife asap) or the fear of really making changes that he is not ready to make (quit drinking) IMO that is making him desparate to do something quick.

Telling him to come back home would be giving him a free pass to not make a long-term commitment to address his issues. I'm not sure what the laws are, but I don't think a quick divorce is even possible. In most states there is a cooling off period where you need to be separated for a certain time before finalizing a divorce. This may be your best course at this time as I don't feel giving in would be wise in your situation.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

swedish - Thank you for your reply.

It is funny, I was thinking the same thing about how a divorce is not going to end his pain quickly. It takes six months in California. We have a ton of paperwork to plow through, we have to reach an agreement about the house and a few debts. Plus, he has to physically move all of his stuff out of the house.

My husband is very immature. I have always known that, it is part of our problem - I grew up and he didn't. I know that I am partly to blame for our situation because I did not put my foot down a long time ago.

The biggest problem is that, at this point, I hardly even feel like trying to convince him of anything. He is impossible to talk to and he is so wrapped up in self-pity that he cannot see anything else. I am feeling like - if things have gome this poorly in just the three weeks we have been apart and he cannot stand it any more, then let him make this decision. If he regrets it later, too bad. I seriously doubt that I will regret letting him make this decision. Our marriage needs a lot of repair and he just doesn't seem to have the stamina to do the real work involved in getting there.

I have told him to think on it all this weekend - I will be going out of town. I told him that I don't think we should talk at all for a few days and he needs to figure out if this is really what he wants to do. I am even thinking of not calling him at all, but rather sending a letter with the contact info for the paralegal and telling him it is his move now. What do you think?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow...this sounds much like my first marriage. I think you have a great plan.

BTW, my ex remarried 2 months after our divorce was final...very impulsive guy and no real desire to change for himself...so I guess it's best he found someone that seems to be okay with the way he is.


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