# Serperation/Divorce/Limbo



## ytho (10 mo ago)

Hello everyone,

New here but have been reading through the forums for several weeks trying to find a similar story. I haven't as of yet so I figured I'd start a thread and see your thoughts.

Background: Wife and I are both previously divorced. Got together 3 and a half years ago, and been married for close to two. We have a 7 year old stepson (hers). Since we started dating and up until a certain event ( I'll get to that) we got a long great. Never fought. We had disagreements here and there and would get irritated at each other, but an actual yelling screaming type fight never happened. We loved each other deeply, with no lying, cheating, abuse, or any of those type of red flags. I was extremely happy, and she was too, or so I thought. We had future plans, loved being around each other, sex life was great. There was never any mention of separating for any reason. I at this time have no reason to think there is anyone else in her life. I would certainly be happy to provide more background here if it would help.

Thats not to say we were perfect. I myself have been dealing with Alcohol. Issues stemming from past marriage had got my physically addicted. I was not drunk often, but was a nightly drinker. She was helping me taper off of it, and that subject was not one that we fought about, but I felt it worth mentioning. I have been dry two months since "the event" as I'll call it, and am working on never touching that mess again. More on this though shortly.

She has always been a bit withdrawn with what is going on in her head. She would sometimes get to being a "rolly polly" as I would describe it, and kind of shut down when she had moments of anxiety or in a bad headspace mentally. She had a really rough past with her ex husband, so I always assumed she was reacting in a way that was old habits. I worked really hard to prove to her I wasn't like that, and thought I had gone a long way to prove that. She wasn't the most open in her communication to me about things of the past, or her current head space, but out of respect for her I let her know I was there for here but did not push her. 

We have had a LOT go on outside the marriage for the past several months. She got back on anti depressants, lost weight, a dog dies, her brother's house burnt down (we thought he was in it at the time), a panic attack resulting in an ambulance being called ( I wasn't there and she didn't tell me about it until after), her brother ODing and nearly dieng, her granny was in the hospital for weeks, and she has been anxious about her job. Her mood seemed to have been declining all the while. I did not find out until later how anxious she had been. I found a piece of paper in anxiety book where she had written down a list of things in a chart. This was not communicated to me.

As far as raising 7 this is where I realize things now should have been done a bit differently. I myself have never had a child, so coming into a relationship with a at the time 4 year old was a real eye opener. I tried my best to learn on the fly and adapt to my role as a step father, but one thing I now realized we failed to do is have a discipline role discussion to hash out each other's roles. I started treating him as if he were my own son. The biggest things I worked with him on was eating, since all he wanted was junk food, and even then not much of that, and what I would call his "fits". He is very used to getting his way, especially with his grandmother, and when he wouldn't get what he wants he would throw tantrums and crying fits. We never really talked deeply about how I was going about it ( I never spanked him. Mostly just sent him to his room until the fit was over and had a talking about it after) so I thought I was doing ok as a step daddy in training.

The incident: A couple of months ago I came home in a mood. I picked up a bottle at my wife's suggestion on the way home. She had been helping me taper by me giving her the bottle and her pouring increasingly less amounts as time went on. I was down to three shots a night at this point. I made the mistake of not bringing it straight to her, and took some extra shots while working in the garage. Around this point one of the fits started happening with 7, and after we had worked through that my wife and I got into what would be our first major argument. I won't go into a lot of details of what was said, but I said some very awful things, in front of 7, in a very ugly way basically saying he would end up like her brother if we did not do better about him always demanding his way. I am NOT at all proud of what the alcohol caused to come out of my mouth. It horrified me so much after the fact I quit cold turkey. I have been in counseling since, and have devoted myself wholly to making myself a better man because of that night.

The next day I was still in a mood as I had not slept it all off, and she ended up packing somethings and going to her mother's house. That was 2 months ago. 

To say I have been a miserable wreck since is an understatement. I tried all sorts of ways to reach out and make things right. Suggested counseling. Told her I was in it myself, and that I am dry. All through text, because since that time she has refused to speak to me any other way except for one hour on the phone. I have mostly been ignored. She wanted me to move out within 3 weeks, which was impossible for me to do at the time. At first she seemed like we could start over after giving "sobriety time and letting things calm". She said I broke her trust with her son. She has also mentioned since then that I was "nagging him about things", and supposedly though if true this doesn't set well with me, she asked him if he missed me and wanted to come home to me, and he said yes he missed me but no he didnt want to come home to me there. The only thing shes mentioned about me being wrong is how I was "treating her child". She said she "has trust issues, she has issues, she knows she does", but was hell bent on wanting me out so she could "be alone with her son and lick her wounds". As time went on she kept getting more hostile through texts about me moving out. Even going so far as to say she'd have a "lawyer write me up something that would have me out in a week". When I reminded her that I was on the house too and she couldn't do that, she started bringing up divorce as a way to get me out. All sorts of things started coming my way from "refinancing to get me off the mortgage" to getting her own health insurance and "having a notary wright up a written amicable agreement of splitting" were thrown my way, through text. 

Right up until I told her I was signing a lease. I found a rental and signed for it after I point blank asked her if that is what she wanted. Since then, the texts have stopped, other than a few about taxes, and an unfortunate passing of a family member. She also sent me a " I am sorry to bother you" text asking about how long it would be until I would be out, because things are "tough on 7". She has been civil, but short. I move out officially soon. I have checked on things, like the mortgage, and she has done nothing there. I have seen no papers, so movement to get herself off my insurance, no "cut up joint credit cards", no nothing she said she was going to do to make a divorce happen. The only thing she has done is seperate her finances and has taken it upon herself to pay the house bills, even after I said we should split them. A note here on that: It was her house when I moved in, but we refinanced and now I am on the mortgage and the deed. 

If you've read this far I do appreciate it..

Here is where I am having trouble putting all this together. Before that night we were beautifully happy. We were always showing each other affection, were in the middle of large home improvement plans. I had just bought us concert tickets. Life was great! That regrettable night happened, and its like a light switch got flipped. Shes cold, even by her own families admission, hasn't hardly spoken to me other than texts here and there. Doesn't seem to give a crap about me or where I am going. Her family has told me that I was "dealt a bad hand", "if you want a snowballs chance in hell you need to get out of the house", and to give her "time and space", and I am left heart broken at the thought of losing my wife and a child I loved as my own. She doesnt speak to them about things because "it's no one's damn business", so those around her are just as clueless as me. I don't know her right now. All the things I know and grew to love about her are not present. Its like she died, and someone else took over her body and mind.

I desperately want to reconcile with her and make my family whole again. As I mentioned I am in counseling to work on my mental, I have dropped all booze, and have actively done work to improve my understanding of a step parent's role, and have even started down the 180 path to give her space and work on myself. She has as far as I can tell done nothing but sit at her Mom's and wait for me to leave. There has been no effort to check in with me, nor has there been any attempt to communicate other than when am I getting out. I accept what I did was wrong that night, but I am afraid my actions were the straw that broke the camels back with her mentally. 

I don't know what to do other than keep working on self improvement. I love her dearly, and even though it has been 2 months and I move into a new place soon, I want nothing more than to have my family back as one. I am committed to our vows, and have no desire to date or move ahead with any divorce paperwork on me end. I feel like shes having a mental break, and if so I need to do what I can "in sickness and in health".

Is time and space the only thing left for me to do? I am desperate for answers and appreciate any insight.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

From what you wrote, it sounds like she has not healed from her first marriage and she is seeing a lot of red flags in you that she saw with her first husband and refuses to go through it again.

I also have a feeling that your alcohol problem is far worse than you are leading us to believe. You had an angry outburst in front of her son after doing shots...... From everything you have said, it appears she is making it very clear that she is done with you.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> From what you wrote, it sounds like she has not healed from her first marriage and she is seeing a lot of red flags in you that she saw with her first husband and refuses to go through it again.
> 
> I also have a feeling that your alcohol problem is far worse than you are leading us to believe. You had an angry outburst in front of her son after doing shots...... From everything you have said, it appears she is making it very clear that she is done with you.


I certainly did not mean to sugar coat my drinking. It has been something I have struggled with for a long time to get better with. She was concerned about DTs and withdrawals is why we were taking the tapering steps. It has not come up in any of the fallout from that night. The only thing that has is how I disciplined her son, and she thought I was too harsh on him. 

That outburst is the first time I had been that way, and hopefully the last. As I mentioned, I have dropped it cold turkey. I have no desire to touch anything alcoholic ever again, and have communicated that to her. The fact that I allowed myself to be that way in front her son was the breaking point that made me change inwardly. She has dealt with addicts in her life (not her ex, but others) so I understand her reservations there. I am praying one day she gives me one chance to prove that I have changed in this, and many other ways. I am not the smartest man in the world, but I can learn.

I concur about the first marriage. I do not think she ever fully healed from it either. The way she has acted towards me these past weeks is like she has put a mask on me of her Ex's face. I also think that is why she said she has trust issues.

I hope you are wrong about her being done with me, but I guess time will tell. I certainly thought if she was she would have followed through with some sort of action by now. Hence the confusion I guess. Its not what they say but what they do. So far shes done nothing to make any moves towards divorce.

(Quick edit: I will be happy to answer any questions on the drinking if anyone feels like its contributed more so to this situation than I am letting on. It does me 0 good to come here asking for advice and me not be open about everything.)


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Your wife needs to see that you finally want sobriety for yourself and not just because your life is on fire right now. I believe people can absolutely achieve sobriety but it cant be for anyone but yourself. 

Get into a program, attend therapy, and do not minimize. Your post here is very watered down and it is important that you can get to the point where you can face your actions and own them. 

Your wife is protecting her peace and her son's peace - the ball is in your court.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

ytho said:


> I certainly did not mean to sugar coat my drinking. It has been something I have struggled with for a long time to get better with. She was concerned about DTs and withdrawals is why we were taking the tapering steps. It has not come up in any of the fallout from that night. The only thing that has is how I disciplined her son, and she thought I was too harsh on him.
> 
> That outburst is the first time I had been that way, and hopefully the last. As I mentioned, I have dropped it cold turkey. I have no desire to touch anything alcoholic ever again, and have communicated that to her. The fact that I allowed myself to be that way in front her son was the breaking point that made me change inwardly. She has dealt with addicts in her life (not her ex, but others) so I understand her reservations there. I am praying one day she gives me one chance to prove that I have changed in this, and many other ways. I am not the smartest man in the world, but I can learn.
> 
> ...


I hope I am also wrong and you two can find peace and build a family. I am glad that you have found sobriety and hope you can keep it up. Alcohol is a very destructive substance to a person. I am not referring to having a couple of drinks on date night or beers during the big game. But when you get to the point of doing shots every night, it affects everything about you from mood, cognitive function, to physical looks.

I don't have any easy answers for you nor do I think there are any easy answers. But I think you need to just let her be and hopefully time will heal the mistakes. Maybe send her a single text message every week or two at max saying "Hope all is well, and thinking good thoughts about you". Do not call or send anything beyond a short text like that. And do not plead for your relationship, beg forgiveness, or show up.

Another thing to consider is that there might not be anything you can do. Sometimes when a person has been through abuse, they are simply damaged and not able to be in a long term relationship. If it isn't the alcohol, then it will be something else that might trigger the abused person.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

moulinyx said:


> Your wife needs to see that you finally want sobriety for yourself and not just because your life is on fire right now. I believe people can absolutely achieve sobriety but it cant be for anyone but yourself.
> 
> Get into a program, attend therapy, and do not minimize. Your post here is very watered down and it is important that you can get to the point where you can face your actions and own them.
> 
> Your wife is protecting her peace and her son's peace - the ball is in your court.


And here I was thinking I had written a story!  

I have taken full accountability to her, her family, and my own, about that. I did not mention it in the opening post, but I have written my wife a letter owning up to that part of me, and detailing how I was going to address it. I have never lied to her about a single thing, and I have committed to her and my family that not a single drop will touch my lips going forward. This is a large part of what will help me keep myself accountable when inevitably as any addict experiences a craving hits. My honesty is something I value highly. Additionally I have been leaning heavily on God through all this. I know religion is not everyone's cup of tea, but I myself could not imagine asking God to intervene and save the marriage I feel He brought together for a reason while actively doing things that would sabotage it. 
I have a therapist as well who I plan to continue seeing to figure out the mental part of what drove me to pick up a bottle, and how I can go about making healthier mental and physical choices. He has helped me identify some things already, like self esteem, bottling up feelings, etc that we are actively working through.

I agree I have to do this for me, and that is the attitude I am going into sobriety with. I have to make this change for myself, otherwise it will literally destroy me. I am committed to this whether she decides to reconcile with me or not. 

I agree with her protecting her and her son's peace. She is scared that I will get mad at him again over something. Scared that he will turn into a teenager and things will get worse. My thoughts here is her and I need to get into counseling together, to help us find a way to communicate better about how we are going to react and handle situations where he, as with any child, will act up or make a poor decision. So far any talk of counseling has been ignored. She has every wall imaginable up at the moment. Again I suspect due to unresolved feelings about her past marriage. It was pretty bad, and ended very badly. Long story short not only did he run around on her, but when she asked for a divorce he put a gun to his head in from of her. Her mother had even mentioned when this started she might have had some PTSD over it. I feel like an absolute ass for that outburst that evening. I can honestly say though that has been the only time. Doesn't make it right. I screwed up though. I have owned it and am working towards never letting that happen again.

I will continue down the self improvement path regardless. Its something I feel like I need to do, and I want to. Words are hollow. Actions are everything. I just hope she gives me a chance to prove myself with mine.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I had a similar experience with my XW. I will tell you, once a woman has gotten to this point the marriage is over and she's moved on. The best thing you can do is move on too!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Are you 100% sure there's not another guy in the picture? A women will rarely check out of the current relationship unless she has someone else lined up or at least in mind.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I hope I am also wrong and you two can find peace and build a family. I am glad that you have found sobriety and hope you can keep it up. Alcohol is a very destructive substance to a person. I am not referring to having a couple of drinks on date night or beers during the big game. But when you get to the point of doing shots every night, it affects everything about you from mood, cognitive function, to physical looks.
> 
> I don't have any easy answers for you nor do I think there are any easy answers. But I think you need to just let her be and hopefully time will heal the mistakes. Maybe send her a single text message every week or two at max saying "Hope all is well, and thinking good thoughts about you". Do not call or send anything beyond a short text like that. And do not plead for your relationship, beg forgiveness, or show up.
> 
> Another thing to consider is that there might not be anything you can do. Sometimes when a person has been through abuse, they are simply damaged and not able to be in a long term relationship. If it isn't the alcohol, then it will be something else that might trigger the abused person.


I appreciate the kind words, friend. I started this off doing the begging, pleading, all of it. After reading a lot of posts here ( I'm on page 106 ..) searching for answers I have learned that is the worst thing I could have done. I may have very well pushed away the very woman I love with all my heart and soul doing that. I have quit since that realization, and about that time so has the divorce talk texts from her, so I think you are right there. I will be out of the house tomorrow, and have left a vase of wild flowers (she likes them wild) and a letter basically owning up to what I've done, what I am going to do about it, and letting her know if she feel ready in time I will be here with my hand out ready to make our relationship whole again with her.

You are right about the easy answers. There are none. I have scoured this, several sub reddits, all sorts of places trying to find a similar situation in order to learn how to give my family the best chance at reuniting. Heck the lack of answers is why I made an account and this post!

Your thoughts and advice are most welcome.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Are you 100% sure there's not another guy in the picture? A women will rarely check out of the current relationship unless she has someone else lined up or at least in mind.


At this moment yes. I 100% trust she has been faithful. I do not think she is pursuing anyone now either. I have been cheated on before in a marriage, twice. I know the signs and behaviors very well. She has never shown me any reason to doubt her. No I love you but not in love with you speech either. 

That being said if I learn differently then that changes everything. I have and will be faithful as long as we are still married. I cannot forgive if she isn't. 

When she said "she wants to be alone with her son and lick her wounds" I think she meant that. I feel like she has some unresolved issues from her past marriage that she has to work out first before she works out ours.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

Just following up on my thread. Maybe my journal through this hell will help someone in the future..

Had a discussion about this with my therapist today. After I explained what I could without overwhelming him with details, even HE (after asking me "how can I help you through this?" While I am over here like THATS WHAT I'M ASKING YOU TO HELP ME FIGURE OUT) said the best thing I can do is remain no contact for now and be patient. "She has to decide what she wants to do". That is ALL I've heard, be it through man, or Scripture. Its been hard, but "Love is patient". 

I wouldn't wish Limbo on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. To those going through it, I feel your pain. To those putting someone else through it, have a heart and STOP. 

I've been told that I'll do something to end it once I get fed up with being here, and I have to admit unfortunately for me that is true. I desperately want to reconcile and have my family as one again, so I guess for now limbo it is. I am still open to any thought or advice on this situation.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

Back again on this journaling journey.

I called the mortgage company and found out that my wife had called them about a month ago just inquiring about refinancing but never followed through. Everything is still the same. 
This was during the time that a lot of stuff was said from her that she was going to do, but NO action so far.

Things said during this time that has not been done:

1)Remove herself and her brother's cell phone from my account.
2)Draw up an agreement on splitting assets
3) Remove herself from my health insurance
4)Bring by joint account debit cards cut up

This was all said during a period where I was resisting moving out of the house. As soon as I said I found a lease and signed it, this activity stopped completely. 

She is paying the house bills, and other than the cell phone plans nothing is being taken out of the joint account from her.

Which brings me back to limbo. Its been a week since I heard from her, and it was only a short answer about taxes. Since I told her I found a place there has been NO more talk about divorce, separation, anything. Its been pure radio silence. 

I myself have been working the 180, still in counseling, and doing everything I can to better myself as a person. Emotionally I am miserable. Some days are better than others, but one day this week in particular was awful. Still sober, and thanking God each day for it. Not a single ounce of desire to touch alcohol. I totally recommend this path to anyone going through this hell. Alcohol helps nothing.

I am not sure exactly what I am looking for right now as far as what to do about this. Everyone is telling me to not contact, and wait and give her time. Even my therapist once I explained all this. The only other option I seem to have is to reach out and try and get an answer out of her on what she plans to do. Doing that at this time would address the limbo, but I am afraid would just drive her towards a divorce I don't at all want. The limbo though is mentally destroying me it feels. Its like someone opened my skull, beat my brains with an egg beater, and stuck me in the middle of a field and said "Good luck".


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

Just an update since the last post.

I still have heard nothing. I actually went through all the past forum posts all the way to page 285 and found nothing like this. 

I am open for any ideas from anyone that has seen something similar. No action towards D, R, or anything. No checking to see if I am alive, no harsh texts, nothing. The silence is deafening. No one I talk to, even therapist, can say anything other than "It is weird an unusual" and to "give it time and space". Is there anyone that has dealt with this? I would be very interested to hear from anyone that has given their spouse extended silent treatment as well.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@ytho ,

I'm going to tell you a hard truth right now, and I doubt that you'll like it very much. You started this thread on March 25th and you say all this happened maybe two months before then...so I am guesstimating here but sounds like "the event" happened in January/February. March 25th is not even two weeks ago. And on this date, April 6th, we aren't even sure if you've moved out of the house yet or not, because the last we heard you had a period of "resisting moving out" and then you found a lease and "were moving soon"... So for two months she's been staying with her mom, she's been paying the house bills, and she's asked you to vacate so she "can be alone with son and lick her wounds."

You two were together for 3 1/2 years, married for 2, and you've been apart for MAYBE 3 months. It's been 2 weeks since you came here, literally desperate. But for the 3 1/2 years prior, you drank and didn't give a rip. It's going to take a LOT more than 2 weeks for her to believe this change you claim you've made/are making is real!!!!

See, for 3 1/2 years, you consistently sent the message that the bottle was important to you...maybe even #1 priority over her. In Jan/Feb there was an event that was the straw that broke the camel's back. And now, she doesn't believe you. She believes the actions she's seen for 3 1/2 years. For her to believe you, or even consider believing you, she may need to see more than 3 1/2 years of consistent ... not just being dry, but also true, sober change from within your heart.

Right now, the main thing I hear from you is desperation and willingness to do or say anything to convince her "you mean it this time"--but she isn't falling for that anymore. This time, you're going to have to put in the real work for true, deep, inner change of the person you are. Even then, it's not very likely that she'll consider you because she's already been harmed by you and your drinking.

The way you think inside your head needs to change, and by that, I mean that it will never, ever return to "the way it was." You can no longer think that way. You need to see what caused you to perceive things the way you did. You need to learn new techniques for coping. You need to learn healthier tools for relating to a significant other and a child. There's a LOT of work that needs to be done, and she has pretty clearly said to you that she is not going to be there while you do all that--it's up to YOU and only YOU.

So begin to accept the fact that it is going to take SIGNIFICANT time before anything happens. In that time, hopefully, you will begin to learn about yourself and being to adapt to your new, sober life. In that time, she may or may not learn about herself...she may or may not grow as a person. Whether she does or doesn't, your life, right now and for the forseeable future, does not include her or SS7. Begin to accept it will likely be YEARS at a minimum, and honestly, even after years she may not trust you (whether due to her own issues or yours).

Right now, you need to get moved, focus on your sobriety and recovery, and release her.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @ytho ,
> 
> I'm going to tell you a hard truth right now, and I doubt that you'll like it very much. You started this thread on March 25th and you say all this happened maybe two months before then...so I am guesstimating here but sounds like "the event" happened in January/February. March 25th is not even two weeks ago. And on this date, April 6th, we aren't even sure if you've moved out of the house yet or not, because the last we heard you had a period of "resisting moving out" and then you found a lease and "were moving soon"... So for two months she's been staying with her mom, she's been paying the house bills, and she's asked you to vacate so she "can be alone with son and lick her wounds."
> 
> ...


I feel like there is a fair bit of misinterpretation here, but that's ok. I am a stranger to everyone so that falls on me to be a little bit more clear.

I have since moved out. Yes I came here desperate, and still am. Not because I need my family for financial support or anything like that. I LOVE them very much, and want only to grow old with my wife, and watch our stepson bloom into a successful young man. I love my spouse more than anything I have ever known. Was I perfect? No. Is she? No. I am willing to put in the work and time to move closer to that perfection in her eyes though.

I understand the bottle can be a testy subject, so I will go deeper into it in hopes that I am able to clarify some things. 

It was not something we fought over during times before, and I did not often get "drunk". In fact, that night was the only time I had ever been that badly outside myself . It wasn't something I purposefully meant to do, but that does NOT excuse my behavior. Alcohol was not something I would say I "chose" over her, in that I had asked her help to get myself tapered off it. I needed that accountability, and had been able to reduce my bodies' dependency on it substantially. It was something I wanted to stop doing for myself first, so I could be better for my family. That still applies now. I had prayed many nights to be a better husband for her, and a step Dad to her son. I honestly think God letting me fall to this point was His answer. I had to WANT to quit badly enough to make substantial changes. Before that night I clearly did not, but that has since changed. I want sobriety. I need it. I have to have it in order for it booze to not put me in the dirt early.

Currently I am sober, and have been so since January 28th, the day of the event as I called it. I have been in therapy since then to understand and learn better ways to cope with my internal issues, instead of numbing them with booze. Am I cured? No way! No addict ever will be. Has there been progress? Oh yes, and I am happy for it. There has been a time or two where I have been on that low dip in the roller coaster where old temptation has surfaced, but it has been swiftly rejected mentally. I'll admit your reply does seem to come across as "talking down" on me a bit, but that's ok. I understand that addicts cause a lot of harm in their loved ones lives, and many aren't willing to see that or do anything about it. Not all of us fall into that category though. 

_"Right now, the main thing I hear from you is desperation and willingness to do or say anything to convince her "you mean it this time"--but she isn't falling for that anymore"_

On this we have never had a discussion where I had to make any "promises" like this. I messed up this one time. I asked for one chance to prove I could do and be better. I meant every word and still do PRECISELY because I know how hollow saying something like this and not following through is. I am an honest man, and I mean what I say when I commit to something. I am willing to DO WHAT IT TAKES to be a good husband, and prove to her these changes are real. Saying does not mean a can of manure. All I asked her for during this is that one chance.

_"The way you think inside your head needs to change, and by that, I mean that it will never, ever return to "the way it was." You can no longer think that way. You need to see what caused you to perceive things the way you did. You need to learn new techniques for coping. You need to learn healthier tools for relating to a significant other and a child. There's a LOT of work that needs to be done, and she has pretty clearly said to you that she is not going to be there while you do all that--it's up to YOU and only YOU._"

If I have come across any other way on this than agreement with your statement here that is something I did not mean to communicate. It CAN'T return to the way it was. There is a reason we are here, and without each of us working on ourselves for better improvement, it would be foolish to expect a different outcome if things worked out. I'll reiterate here that this is my purpose for getting into counseling. I am not there to be told "what I want to hear". I am there to learn how to fix what is wrong with my way of thinking, coping, and relating. 

If any of this comes off as me defending any of my behavior concerning my addiction, that is not my intentions. I just want to clarify that I am putting in honest work on myself, for myself first. I have to fix me so I can be better for my family if they choose to have me back, or for anyone else I may meet in the future should they choose not to. I do appreciate your response though.

What I am struggling with is the unknown right now. Yes there was some text talk of divorce, but I suspect that was because initially I had resisted moving out. It took me time to find somewhere I could go. I was asked to move out after 2.5 weeks of her being at her mom's. I did not have any family or friends close by, so that took time. Now that I told her I signed a lease, and have moved out, that all stopped. In fact, its been a month since anything like that was said. Of all the things she said she would do in that direction, not a single one has happened. While I am very happy it hasn't, I would have thought if that was what she truly wanted we would have done it by now. In our state its just a 30 day wait from the day of. She wanted to draw up amicable papers and let me review. I haven't seen anything. Remove me from mortgage. Just checked today no further inquiries there in a month. The list goes on. 

That being said, I have not heard anything else either. No "are you alive?". No " I need time and space to think". Nothing. We are pretty much in what I'd define as a trial separation I guess. 

It seems like in most of the posts on these forums there is some sort of communication, be it good bad or ugly, or frequent/infrequent. Either way its there. Right now I am receiving none. I haven't really had much of any since this saga began other than what I have mentioned so far. It seems unfortunately I am in a rather unique situation. 

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is usually a prelude to divorce. It sounds like you are living on hopium. You are dealing with the unknown. Her actions tell you that.
No one can keep you in limbo but yourself. With that said you should now know what affects alcohol can have on not only you but those around you. A marriage takes two. Currently you don’t have that.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Separation is usually a prelude to divorce. It sounds like you are living on hopium. You are dealing with the unknown. Her actions tell you that.
> No one can keep you in limbo but yourself. With that said you should now know what affects alcohol can have on not only you but those around you. A marriage takes two. Currently you don’t have that.


Yes I am aware of what alcohol can do. All too aware. All I can do in that area is continue to be sober every day and work towards a healthier mental state.

I think unfortunately you are right about me not having two here in this marriage. I got sent a draft of divorce papers through email Thursday. It was poorly done, so I have gone to a lawyer to have proper ones drafted. I don't want this at all, but ironically it seems I am having to take the wheel. What communication we do have has ended up with a bunch of cusswords thrown at my direction, and one phone call from her father, asking about things she has told him that has not happened, such as her claiming one time I shut her son's arm in a door, for example. This never happened. I never laid a single hand on him for any reason. Its like she is rewriting history in her mind to justify her actions with this. I know I said some awful things that night, but I didn't do anything to deserve this. The silence for all this time, the rewriting of history, being abandoned like a bag of manure.. We all make mistakes. I guess its just so hard for me to comprehend her reaction to this. If there was a history of verbal abuse, infidelity, physical abuse, etc, I would totally see where she is coming from. I messed up one time. I have taken accountability and action to make sure it never happens again. It seems that one time is all I get .. I wish I could have been perfect for her..


Her Dad also says hes not certain but he thinks there may be someone else since weve been separated. There is no proof, but he is not one to stir the pot without a reason, so there must be smoke.. 


I am having to switch gears from hopium to acceptance.

I don't think I'll get much sympathy here, as the alcohol part of this seems to have pushed a lot of buttons, but I am not emotionally handling it well at all. I am at the stage of grief where I pretty much feel like crying every second I am awake. I am not suicidal or anything, but I do not want to be alive right now. Every day is a struggle to even eat. I've lost 30lbs since this started.

I am sober. I have weekly therapy. I read the Bible almost daily. I have a wonderful family supporting me the best they can.

I am so miserable. I miss my wife so much. I miss being a step father. I miss my family. My light is gone. I have no purpose.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Are you 100% sure there's not another guy in the picture? A women will rarely check out of the current relationship unless she has someone else lined up or at least in mind.


Welp my thread didn't gain a lot of sympathy here. I suspect because of the drinking but thats ok. Still sober so thats a plus. 

However, this unfortunately was the case. I was just informed and sent pictures of her and the other man as of last night, so I guess there's my answer.


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