# Husband threatens to break things when I rant



## wla123 (Jul 12, 2009)

I am so confused. I have been with my husband for 6 years now. We raise a 10 year old (my step-daughter). I for whatever reason have fallen into the disciplinarian role, while my husband is a jokester and doesn't take much seriously. For the last 5 months I have been dealing with our daughters lies (all small stuff....did you brush you teeth? Did you do your chores?) however she will lie about these things. I take it very personally, that she lies and have brought it up to my husband. He doesn't put too much stock into it and says I am being t sensitive. Well, I don't want it to continue. We end up arguing and he gets to a point in most discussions that we have differing opinions, that he threatens to break something as his only resort to get me to shut up or to stop crying or going on a rant. At that point I usually beg him not the to break anything and my daughter is crying. This last time he threatened to throw a huge rock thru our house window and destroy my computer and office. That if does that, it will give me something else to focus on - cleaning up the mess. Then I won't have time to complain about small things like our daughter telling a lie. That I should pick my battles and that being with me is a "full time job". This is not an isolated incident. I feel as though I can't express my feelings or thoughts anymore. This is not what a happy relationship should be and have tried counseling, but it doesn't help. He says it's all my issues and if I didn't come at him, he wouldn't act like this and blames me. I don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid and embarrassed to tell my family and friends.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"_This last time he threatened to throw a huge rock thru our house window and destroy my computer and office. That if does that, it will give me something else to focus on - cleaning up the mess. Then I won't have time to complain about small things like our daughter telling a lie_.

1) *Your dh is abusing you*. Threatening to do harm to property and destroy your things in order to CONTROL you is abuse. What is NEXT threatening to hurt YOU? Has he done that yet? Any shoves or slaps going on?

2) Your child is _also_ being abused by her father with his threats. She CRIES when he threatens, threats which are clearly meant to intimidate and control.

Your dh is causing you to doubt yourself and you should not buy into his manipulative behavior. You are NOT being too sensitive about the 10 year old lying. Although I don't think you should take it personally, you should take it SERIOUSLY. A child of 10 must learn responsibility, and you are trying to teach it to her by holding her to her word, and what happens when she lies.

The reason you are taking on the responsibility of discipline is that your dh is operating with the mentality of a 13 year old! WHAT adult threatens the things he is threatening? 

Don't put up with this any longer. 

Tell him since being with you is a "full time chore" then there (pointing to the door) is the door and don't let it hit you in the a$$ on your way out, "Dude".

What a jerk your spouse appears to be! Don't you SEE that? No one deserves this abuse. Since counseling is "all your problems" then go find an attorney, file papers to make him LEAVE and tell him "I am taking care of my problem (him), you jerk"!


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## wla123 (Jul 12, 2009)

Thank you for the replay. I won't leave the home because we have animals. The animals are the only thing keeping me sane. He wouldn't take care of them without me there and I would have no where to go to take them with me. Also, he owned the home before I moved in and we got married. No way in hell am I going to leave the house after investing so much financially. It's not always as easy as just leaving. It seems like the most logical thing to do though. 
I appreciate your advice on the mentality of the person I am dealing with. I unfortunately am going to have to keep all my feelings inside. I can't express myself anymore and it is really hard. 
I should also add, that he is a huge pot user and when he doesn't smoke pot he gets really angry and has a real short temper. When he smokes pot, he just doesn't care. The cycle of violence centers around pot, when he is using or not. I don't smoke at all. He says it helps him deal with all "my issues".


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You two both have some serious boundary issues. I would suggest you try a couple of books on boundaries in marriage. My h and i do Boundaries in marriage book and workbook by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. there was a lot of fighting in the beginning but we both respect each other now. My H reads the chapter and we both write each others answers in the workbook. it took us two years just to get through forty pages of the book. so dont expect a quick fix. it takes a lot of work on both your parts. the fighting wont stop immediately, but if you keep at it with an open mind, and a willingness to change, things will improve.

your H does not have to do the book with you. my H didnt do boundary books with me at first either. i had to start doing them on my own first. I did dr.phils relationship rescue book and workbook on my own. I actually didnt get through much of it. i ended up burning it. things were pretty bad between me and my H. but i didnt give up.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wla123 said:


> I unfortunately am going to have to keep all my feelings inside. I can't express myself anymore and it is really hard.


that's not going to work. you will explode and your child will suffer because of it. 



wla123 said:


> I should also add, that he is a huge pot user and when he doesn't smoke pot he gets really angry and has a real short temper. When he smokes pot, he just doesn't care. The cycle of violence centers around pot, when he is using or not. I don't smoke at all. He says it helps him deal with all "my issues".


In this case, you should think about going to some alanon meetings.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I didn't say YOU leave, I said you make HIM leave. It does not matter if it was his house when you married!

You have even MORE reason, now that you explained the drug issue! 

You have MUCH more power than you give yourself credit for!


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

He should be thanking his lucky STARS you had a heart big enough to take on raising his child!
Not everyone wants to take on someone else's child-rearing.
I wouldn't know even where to start about your husband... OY


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree wholeheartedly with Sandy; this is absue and you must do something about it. I encourage you to talk to a lawyer; maybe you can legally get him out of the house with some help. Both you and his daughter need protection from this very scary form of abuse. Living with someone who is constantly threatening must be awful for both of you, and no wonder the child has problems. She wants some control in her life, and she has so little. The lies are her way of having control, I bet.

Please, never take anything a child does personally (this includes teens, too). They are acting on their feelings, they are too focused on their own pain and anger (which they only recognize as impulses to DO SOMETHING) to be thinking clearly and insidiously about another person. Start a two-pronger approach, letting your step-d know you love her and that you do not want her to be living in fear. Also, then, make it impossible for her to lie about anything you think is really important--pick your battles--go with her to brush her teeth, for example. Don't fight everything. Just quit asking her to do things that are not worth getting into a battle over until you have re-established a trusting relationship with her (She is probably scared of her dad, angry with him, and angry with you, indirectly, for not offering her more protection, even if she doesn't realize that's part of what she's feeling.)

You can and should say things to her like, "I bet you feel really scared when your dad says. . .I do too. I'm trying to find a way to change this. If you are scared, come to me and let me hold onto you. It will make us both feel better." Keep repeating those kinds of things as you can, until she starts to respond. Depending on how long this has been going on, it may take a long time, so try to be patient with her. He's the problem. Not her. Remember she is the child and deserves all the protection and love you can give her. Best of luck!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Box up all your prized possesions, put all his out and when he wants to break something, hand him his stuff


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:iagree::smthumbup: Sister359 excellent analysis of the daughter's behaviors.

wla123: You need to make an ally of this 10 year old to benefit HER and you. I also agree with the poster who said he should thank his lucky stars he has YOU to help him with his daughter.

I am still seeing red about him telling you: "Being with you is a full time job". 

I am sorry I am saying this to you, but you are living with a ROYAL jerk. Don't you find yourself thinking this about your dh?

Hell, I'd FIND and attorney and have the ATTORNEY get the house for the little GIRL!  Kick his ass out due to abuse...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I dated someone in my 20's who got mad and broke stuff, punched holes in the walls. I ended it quickly due to his problem...
I don't work hard to have my stuff broken.

He broke something very sentimental to me, a vase... it was my mothers. I hate him for that and can never replace it.
People who have fits and break things are in my opinion, not worthy to be in a relationship with anyone or even own pets.
They are awful, immmature people who are deeply distrubed and 
need to find other ways of dealing with anger...
on their own.
I would never stay with anyone who was like that.


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## wla123 (Jul 12, 2009)

I expressed to my Husband last night that I was hurt about him threatening to break things in our home and that I can't live in a house that I feel is unsafe. He posed one question to me:
"When does anything get broken when you don't come at me first with your ranting?". Well the answer is never. He has never broken anything until he is at his wits end dealing with me going on and on about an issue. So basically, nothing gets broken until I have issue with something. So what......say nothing about things I have issue with? Our communication is just awful. his patience level is gone and our intimacy is non-existent anymore due to the fact, I can't be close to someone so angry and that has such little time for me anymore.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Is your husband the custodial parent of his daughter? Is the bio-mother still in her life?

In normal cases I would recommend that you disengage, and leave all the parenting up to your husband. However, he is being abusive. He is bullying you into being compliant. And his tactics have been working.

I understand being scared to stand up to him. I would be scared if I were in your shoes.

My question is - Do you really want to stay with someone who you fear? Who purposely scares you? Who thinks being with you is a full-time job?

I agree with the others, contact an attorney and see what rights you have.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Your "communication" _IS "_awful": as it is non-existent because it is one sided! It is based on you avoiding communication for fear of his VIOLENCE!

Tearing up and destroying things is VIOLENCE. 
You and your daughter are a victims of a dictator!

The _next_ time he decides to pitch one of his two-year-old type violent tantrums, you call the police and have him hauled away.

SHOW THAT LITTLE GIRL WHAT A *REAL* WOMAN DOES TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF!!

As it is right now what the hell _are you teaching_ that little GIRL???


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

wla123 said:


> I expressed to my Husband last night that I was hurt about him threatening to break things in our home and that I can't live in a house that I feel is unsafe. He posed one question to me:
> "When does anything get broken when you don't come at me first with your ranting?". .


what he said is complete nonsense. He is trying to control your behavior through violence.

Like I said, box up all your good stuff and put all his stuff out for him to break.
Another thing is consider your communication as to make sure your not nagging or getting too dramamtic when you talk to him.


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