# Life after Divorce; Dating



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey Everyone,

I've been single again for about 4 months now (officially divorced May 27, but left her Late January). I've recently debated sticking my toes into the dating pool again. My therapist told me that any relationship under 1 yr after my divorce would be considered a "rebound" by some official standards. She recommended I invest myself and determine exactly who I want to be and find a woman that fits in my life plan. I agree with most of what she said (and I can go into more detail on this later), but I do feel like 1 yr is a long time to wait. 

However, I feel like if an opportunity presents itself, I should take advantage of it. I definitely need practice...and I'll tell you why. Prior to my XW, I have never had a relationship of any kind with a woman (no FWB, casual dating, etc). outside of a couple of Long distance, online relationships and maybe half a dozen one time dates (most of which were memorably awkward). Due to my lack of experience, I feel like I my "dating experience" age is more like someone who just got out of high-school. For the moment, I don't think I'll be getting into anything serious, probably just casual dating and making new friends (and female friends .. if that can work without getting awkward.

I'm sure I'll be posting a lot of stuff in regards to seeking advice on self-improvement, but I'm going to cut to the chase for an immediate question. I started sitting next a cute girl at work, who's a student teacher. After a few short, pleasant conversations with her at work over the course of a few weeks--which were very limited since we're typically taking incoming phone calls non-stop--I asked her if she wanted to hang out.

The conversation went something like this..

I logged out of my phone, turned to her and said "Well, I'm about to head home..
She smiled and showed me some doodles on a piece of paper, "Look, I'm bored so I'm tracing this.."
Me; "Cool, Hey L, would you like to hang out some time?"
She looks at me and seems slightly surprised and gives a quick shrug with shoulders.
My mind starts to panic at this unexpected response, so I decide to offer a reason, "I mean, I recall you saying your father and brother had a bad experience with Lasik. I'm considering getting it too, so I wanted to hear more about that"
She says, "Okay, give me your number.." I do and she writes it down on her paper.
I then mutter something about we could just get a cup of coffee somewhere since we don't have much time to talk at the call center, and how she seemed like a cool person to get to know.



Before I had a chance to ask for her number, she asked for mine. I gave it to her, she wrote it down and said she would call me. I had a sinking feeling she wasn't really that into me, as IME, when a girl asks for your number she's usually hesitant to give you her number.

The weekend passed with no phone call... not a big deal. 

However, on Monday just as I was about to leave I saw her walking to her seat. As she passed me, I swiveled in my chair to face her and gave her a friendly wave and smile. She smiled and said, "I'm so sorry, I think I accidentally threw your phone number away on that piece of paper I was doodling on". I asked if she wanted it again. She said yes, and told me she was going to keep it in her wallet this time. I asked if she had a phone I she could put it into, but she asked me to write it down on a piece of paper. In retrospect, I think I should have just asked for her # and told her I would txt her so she would have my number. Still, I thought her asking for my # was a good sign, but didn't necessarily expect a txt. Much to my surprise, I did get a txt from her the next day.
She sent me a short txt announcing it was her. I responded with a friendly "Hey L, Good morning!" No response for awhile. I eventually texted her again. "Are you teaching today?" She eventually responded with a brief "Yes". I responded, "Sweet, What time does your class end". and she said her class just ended at 4 and she was on her way to work. I made a comment about how she had a tight schedule and I would see her at work.

She sat next to me again and we exchanged a few brief exchanges and faces. I also noticed she had a cold again (she had one a few weeks ago) and asked her about that. She said she gets sick a lot. The next day, she was off and I decided to txt her in the evening (Presumably when she would be done teaching). I sent her 2 txts asking her how she was doing and if she was still feeling sick. No response. Next day at work , she shows up, sits next to me again and is friendly and normal. I don't say anything about her lack of response.

This was all LAST week.


Since that day last week, I haven't seen her at work. I've been debating on texting or calling her to see what's going on. She may be seriously ill, on vacation... Who knows?

I guess my overall questions are; How often/many times should you text someone if they don't respond? It is nosy or weird to be concerned and text her to ask her what's happening? Should I even bother texting her or trying to ask her out?


Would love to hear some thoughts and I'm sure I'll be posting more stuff regarding my Life After Divorce adventures.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

In this case, I would not send another text until she sends one first. Honestly she doesn't sound very interested.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Texting is a bad way to get to know someone that you are interested in dating. Also your approach lacked confidence and may put you in that weird place of not knowing if she likes you as a friend/acquaintance or is interested in you romantically. If you want to send one more text just to see if she is sick, then that's OK, but don't go beyond that. Next time you see her just ask her if she wants to go on a date with you (use the word date since there is no ambiguity) and if she says yes then try to plan a day/time then. 

BTW, the biggest keys to finding someone to date is to learn to be direct when you ask them out and to not fear rejection. You don't need to make an excuse for asking her out, since that is a normal adult activity. One more piece of advice is try to stay away from a workplace romance.

And I 100% agree with 3X about her not really being interested.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Slow down my friend...slow down!!! In my opinion you are making one of the biggest mistakes that shy guys make. You are placing way too much importance on this. Not to trivialize it, but she is just a girl in the next cube over. If it doesn't work out with her its not like you'll be alone forever. It isn't the end of the world. No need to stress over every text and conversion between you two. There will be others....lots of them. You just need to learn not to fear rejection. All you need to do to lose that fear of rejection is to understand that its not a big deal, that everyone you may want to have sex with doesn't necessarily want to have sex with you. Meaning you're just like the rest of us. None of us can have anyone we want whenever we want. We simply find who we are mutually compatible with, and putting yourself out there is the best way to do that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JukeboxHero said:


> I've been single again for about 4 months now (officially divorced May 27, but left her Late January). I've recently debated sticking my toes into the dating pool again. My therapist told me that any relationship under 1 yr after my divorce would be considered a "rebound" by some official standards. She recommended I invest myself and determine exactly who I want to be and find a woman that fits in my life plan. I agree with most of what she said (and I can go into more detail on this later), but I do feel like 1 yr is a long time to wait.


A year flies by and is a drop in the bucket. Don't sell yourself short. The time you could spend in a year getting to know who you really are and what you really want in invaluable. Why the rush? Learn to enjoy being alone. Why? Because being alone doesn't mean being lonely. It means you learn to enjoy your own company and enjoy your surroundings. I understand loneliness. I also learned the hard way that solving my loneliness by diving into the dating pool wasn't the best answer. 



JukeboxHero said:


> "I'm so sorry, I think I accidentally threw your phone number away on that piece of paper I was doodling on". I asked if she wanted it again. She said yes, and told me she was going to keep it in her wallet this time. I asked if she had a phone I she could put it into, but she asked me to write it down on a piece of paper. In retrospect, I think I should have just asked for her # and told her I would txt her so she would have my number. Still, I thought her asking for my # was a good sign, but didn't necessarily expect a txt. Much to my surprise, I did get a txt from her the next day.
> 
> She sent me a short txt announcing it was her. I responded with a friendly "Hey L, Good morning!" No response for awhile. I eventually texted her again. "Are you teaching today?" She eventually responded with a brief "Yes". I responded, "Sweet, What time does your class end". and she said her class just ended at 4 and she was on her way to work. I made a comment about how she had a tight schedule and I would see her at work.
> 
> This was all LAST week.


She's being a pleasant, polite coworker. Don't wait for a response and don't expect one. She's not interested. Frankly, dating after my first marriage was over sucked in some ways. However, I learned not to get my hopes up when it came to my expectations. 

One thing that really helped me was getting involved in a local ski club. They also had lots of other activities. It was a great help to get me comfortable meeting lots of different men and women and relaxing about what might happen. I ended up having a blast with lots of other divorced/single people. You might want to start out that way. JMO.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Stop texting her, stop really talking to her, don't be rude, just don't put yourself out there to start conversation. Start talking to other women on the floor. If she's interested you'll know soon enough.


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

Any update?
I am trying to get back into dating a year after divorce, so I am curious.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez...if this woman were any LESS interested, she'd be in a coma. :frown2:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I cannot help but to agree with your personal counselor's original advise! There is definitely a reason why therapists recommend to their clientele to not be dating for a year or more following the dissolution of their marriage! Use that timeframe to get to know yourself and your surroundings much better!

Is there any foundational or solid reason as to why you disregarded your IC's original advice to you?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you are fairly inexperienced with women? Listen to your therapist and wait the full year from the date of your divorce -- so next May. That can help you. Meanwhile, be friendly but not really overly friendly (that can come off as too pushy when a woman's not interested). Women usually give "approach" signals when they're interested. Take that time until next May to figure out what those signals are. You'll have a better success rate in getting dates and it will help your self-confidence.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey Everyone,

Thought I would post some updates here. I'm sorry that I haven't been on lately... been pretty busy IRL. Revisiting some of my gaming hobbies I took some time off from during the summer.

First, I want everyone to understand that I'm not placing a lot of importance on this girl. I mean, she's cute, she seems nice and we shared some interesting conversations for a quick 2-3 minutes at work. She had a lot of interesting stories, including her falling asleep at the wheel and wrecking her car, the fact that some of her family members had Lasik that didn't work out too well, and just everyday "Student Teacher" stories. I thought it would be interesting to hear more of her stories/life. Honestly, I was more interested in having a casual friendship, maybe practice flirting a little and trying to improve my social skills with women. 

At this point, I definitely agree that she's not interested in me, which is no big deal. The whole reason I asked her was because even though I thought she was cute, I didn't really care TOO much about the outcome and I genuinely did want to hear more about her family's Lasik issues, since I was seriously considering getting Lasik later this year. 

Interestingly enough, there is another girl at work who DOES seem interested in me, and I'm much more interested in her, but I've held off asking for her number...simply because I do care a bit more about the outcome. 

As others have mentioned though, the whole "Workplace" romance might be a bad idea, not to mention that it hasn't been a year since my Divorce. I guess What I would really like to know is: Is it okay to have female friends or interact with women in some way? I don't want to be a total, inexperience, awkward loner when I finally do dive back into the dating scene.

On a Positive note, I have been going to quite a few Meetups, but it's usually a one time deal and I do enjoy the company of the random people I meet, but again... it's a one shot thing and I don't have any that I go to on a regular basis to really get to know people. I don't have a lot of friends who I can just call and just hang out with. I have a friend who likes to play board games & card games once a month or so, and my roommate who also enjoys games, but other than his Martial arts class.. he doesn't seem that interested in going out of his house. Most weekends he spends inside, watching TV and playing video games.

@Openminded 

Does it have to be a whole year after the official Divorce Date, or just after we separated (in January?)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It would be helpful to have an entire year off from the date of the divorce because until very recently you continued to see your ex-wife. Even though those meals and outings weren't especially romantic, you still wanted to spend time with her. If you give yourself a long break from the pressure of dating -- and just be casual friends with women with no romantic expectations -- you'll be more prepared when the time comes to date. Your disadvantage in this is that you're inexperienced with women. Your ex-wife for sure doesn't represent what most of us are like so the more women you meet without the pressure of dating the better off you'll be when you're ready.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

There's no magic number. Anyone says "Wait one year" or gives you a formula based on how long the marriage was, should be ignored, including your therapist.

There's a lot at play, how long you were separated, who initiated the separation, how long before the separation did the feelings fade, how easy and quick was the divorce, what's your living status, are you settled in to your new life, etc.

I started dating immediately and it's worked out fine.

As far as workplace romance goes, imagine if you get involved and then break up and have to see this person every day. 

Could you deal with that? I sure couldn't. Or at least, wouldn't want to. Tons of women out there, stay away from work colleagues.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jeez...if this woman were any LESS interested, she'd be in a coma. :frown2:


I know, Right? Funny thing, I was actually somewhat concerned about her after not seeing her at work for nearly 2 wks. I asked her job coach if she was still with us, and he told me she had to quit to focus on her school and student-teacher work.



arbitrator said:


> *I cannot help but to agree with your personal counselor's original advise! There is definitely a reason why therapists recommend to their clientele to not be dating for a year or more following the dissolution of their marriage! Use that timeframe to get to know yourself and your surroundings much better!
> 
> Is there any foundational or solid reason as to why you disregarded your IC's original advice to you?*_Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not completely disregarding her advice. The main reason I created this post was to get some other opinions on how long I should wait. Also, as mentioned in the previous post, I don't want to be a complete, awkward idiot (due to lack of previous experience) when I get back into the dating world. So, in the meantime, I'm looking for a way to get some experience interacting with the opposite sex. 





Openminded said:


> It would be helpful to have an entire year off from the date of the divorce because until very recently you continued to see your ex-wife. Even though those meals and outings weren't especially romantic, you still wanted to spend time with her. If you give yourself a long break from the pressure of dating -- and just be casual friends with women with no romantic expectations -- you'll be more prepared when the time comes to date. Your disadvantage in this is that you're inexperienced with women. Your ex-wife for sure doesn't represent what most of us are like so the more women you meet without the pressure of dating the better off you'll be when you're ready.


So, I guess I would like to know the best way to approach this with clear intentions? I feel like anytime you ask a girl for her number, there is an assumption of romantic expectations. Also, I'm familiar with the theories that men and women can't simply be "Just friends"..

Perhaps I could go to PUA or Attraction site, find an article on how to AVOID the Friendzone, and do the exact opposite, since I actually to be IN the Friendzone, lol!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> I guess What I would really like to know is: Is it okay to have female friends or interact with women in some way? I don't want to be a total, inexperience, awkward loner when I finally do dive back into the dating scene.


There is nothing wrong with having female friends. But if you want to use that friendship to try to improve your abilities with women you'd do far better to hang out with a dude that is successful with women and let him show you the ropes. 




JukeboxHero said:


> So, I guess I would like to know the best way to approach this with clear intentions? I feel like anytime you ask a girl for her number, there is an assumption of romantic expectations. Also, I'm familiar with the theories that men and women can't simply be "Just friends"..
> 
> Perhaps I could go to PUA or Attraction site, find an article on how to AVOID the Friendzone, and do the exact opposite, since I actually to be IN the Friendzone, lol!


You have a confidence issue here. That is why you are seeking the friendzone...just don't do it. Instead gain real confidence by being a good quality guy that knows what he's bringing to the table. What are your list of positive attributes and negative attributes. What can you improve on?


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

This adult dating stuff is complicated!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JukeboxHero said:


> At this point, I definitely agree that she's not interested in me, which is no big deal.
> 
> Interestingly enough, there is another girl at work who DOES seem interested in me, and I'm much more interested in her, but I've held off asking for her number...simply because I do care a bit more about the outcome.)


Well this makes perfect sense. :slap:

Dude why not just take it slow with the girl you actually like. Or if you want to practice dating join a dating site and go out for a few dates just to have some fun, get your mojo back.


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