# Guess its my turn



## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Well, it looks like I joined the club here at TAM.

Sorry, but I need to vent, and this is long.

I've been married for 14 years, and about 18 months ago, my wife (47) and I (51) had a rough patch I couldn't explain.

She's always been very un-emotional, and closed minded when it comes to communicating, so I just worked with her by showing her I loved her until she came back around.

I travel for a living, and she stays home with our 12 and 9 year old. When I stayed home every other week, I seemed to irritate her.

My last trip, I got some e-mail notifications on my blackberry from her face book account. It was my 9 year old sons guitar teacher (Larry) telling her how sweet she was. I scrolled through the last several months, and saw others from him, nothing terribily bad, except one where he thanked her for private texts to "keep out prying eyes".

When I went to her facebook page to verify and compare, some of them were deleted from her page.

I confronted her, and she admitted they were friends. RED FLAG.
I asked what else was going on, she replied nothing, just friends. We had a heart to heart, and I was reasonably sure she was being honest.

That night, she treated me to the best sex I've had in a while.

Two days later, I decided to check the cell phone logs, and low and behold, she had been talking to him for the last 12 months, up to 600 minutes a month.

I confronted here again. She was trapped, and admitted that she lied, and confirmed the calls. 

Now I'm really upset, so I keep looking, and see another number on texting. I double check that one, and there are calls to this one also, but only every 4-5 days. But, there are 5-6 calls on those days.

Now I'm shaking, I call her in, and find out that, yes, there is another man (Tom), and this one she admits as a freind also, but soon she admits that they had an affair 18 months ago. Supposedly, it lasted several months, and was over. For the past 16 months, they have just become good friends.

She comes clean, and wants to meet with her parents to confess that she has done this, so naturally, I go along for support.

She spills her guts, and then her mother looks at me, and tells me I have not been emotionally supportive. She tells me I am from divorced parents, and this runs in my family. A couple of other faults of mine were pointed out, and to be honest, I was devestated. My in-laws have just attacked me at the worst moment of my life.

Over the next several weeks, drips and drabs come out as I ask for specifics.

They (Tom) met at the pool, flirted, and then started phone calls, where sex was a heavy topic. She claimed that at no time, was there any physical contact.

I called him, he admitted the same as she did, and there was never contact. (by the way, he is married also)

I just couldn't believe that they had talked sex, but never consumated, so I kept asking. Her family is very religious, so I gave her the family bible to hold, and I asked again. Nope, no meetings or sex, ever. She just couldn't do that to me.

So, two weeks after the revelation, we have a MC meeting, and before leaving I ask again about anything I don't know. Please, I say, don't let me get blindsided in front of the MC.

She comes clean, and admits that they met twice, at the park my kids play in. The first time they kissed for about 30 minutes, thats all. The second time was the following week, and while kissing, he fingered her while she jerked him. She said they stopped before any climax, and she went home.

Shortly after that, she invited him and his kids over to play at our house while I was gone. Again, she claims nothing happened.

According to her, they never met again, but carried on a "freindship" via the phone. Generic stuff.

I'm trying to work through this, but I just can't fathom that they flirted, planned, met, had what I'll call foreplay, but stopped short of sex.

I just can't believe it.

But, since day one, she has been working hard to meet my needs, and she really is working at what she thinks will help the marriage.

But, I still wonder.

This is eating at me, and I wonder if there is a way to kill this pain and verify what happened.

And, I feel for his wife and kids. Should I stay out of his life, or let his wife know. I know they have been having problems.

Thanks


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

At this point, you need to force the issues. You need to out him to his wife, and then you need to make sure that there is NO contact between your wife and him again. Tell her that if there is, you will ask her to leave, and follow through, if she still contacts him. You can say the same about Larry , too. But really, she has had at least an emotional affair with two different men. Do you really want to stay with such a woman? I'm almost sure that they had sex, from your description of events. So can you ever trust her again? Can you ever believe what she says when you are away? Only you can answer these questions. Right now, she is a lying, cheating , HO. Is that the kind of woman you want to be married to?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your wife still loves you very much.
She doesn't love that man. He might have offered some good company to meet her emotional needs but she doesn't care about him.
You travel a lot and you're not always there for her. It's possible she felt lonely and needed a company at times but you're not there. 
She shouldn't contact any man behind you but she confessed to her parents her misbehaviors.
It's very hard for you to believe her now but I think after MC you will feel much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Forget about the MIL, you can resolve the marriage issue with your wife by yourself. 
The MIL said you are not emotionally supportive.
She actually meant, "pls pay more attention to my daughter."
When she talked about you're from a divorce family, she actually meant," pls don't divorce my daughter."
The mother simply worried about her daughter's misbehaviors will lead to divorce and she knows her daughter is still deeply in love with you and she's going to have a mental breakdown. So the mamma was in a panic and didn't really know how to express herself properly. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Dow, Where is all of that anger coming from??? :scratchhead:


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Thanks everyone,

The hardest part is keeping it inside, and venting here does help.

As an FYI, I knew something wasn't right in July of 2009, and I found this site and have been readin it faithfully. I think that at least made me look at her needs.

Unfortunatily, I knew the signs were there, but I didn't dig for the truth, I just took her word for it.

Workingitout; I see where Dow is coming from, and I can relate to his pain and understand his thoughts. He himself went through a mess worse than this, and I for one can understand his grief.

Concerning the Physical admission, she keeps looking me dead in the eye, and tells me that it never went there as far as intercourse is concerned. She has admitted everything else I suspected, and some thats pretty damning, but steadfastly denies the actual sex.

And, I never thought I would say this, but the sex is not the real issue now, it's the lack of honesty that kills me. I have realized that the sex happens, and is then over, but the honesty issue with be there for eternity. But I keep pushing for the answer on sex because I really need the honesty.

One other thing to know, is that during the affair, we maintained a very healthy sex life. She claims that since I was meeting here sexual needs, it was the one way she was connected to me, she had no need to go there with him.

Personally, I think thats "after the fact crap".

As far as my MIL, I initially wrote a pretty hateful letter, and let is sit for a week. I went back, revised it, and still it sits on my desk. She just had surgury, but when she heals, I will hopefully have a sit down with her and tell her what I think of her. Hopefully, my hatred will have subsided.

Oh, and as far as letters, I immediately asked my wife for "no contact" letters. She wrote them, and gave them to me. I gave the guitar teacher his, but I had her re-write Toms, and I still have issues with it. Its a good letter, but it reads like they were just friends and references inappropriate phone and texts. I want the word "AFFAIR" in there, as an addmission of guilt. I'm tired of dancing.

JT


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

stoney96 said:


> As far as my MIL, I initially wrote a pretty hateful letter, and let is sit for a week. I went back, revised it, and still it sits on my desk. She just had surgury, but when she heals, I will hopefully have a sit down with her and tell her what I think of her. Hopefully, my hatred will have subsided.


I would forget about the in-laws. Focus on your marriage. Parents will never let the facts get in the way of defending their children. 

I assume you have got a new guitar teacher for your son?


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Jamesa,

Actually, he is the manager of the shop, my sons teacher, although in the same proximity, is different.

I have had discussions with the shop, and my desire is to not disrupt the kids if at all possible right now.

I have stopped traveling so that I can take him. In the mean time, I am looking at other options such as someone who can come to my home.

That, in itself may be an issue. Do I want a strange male in my house with my family, knowing we have trust issues?

Does anyone know of a good eunuch that teaches guitar?

JT


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I were you I'd presume that she had a full-on physical affair and that her mom knows all about it.

Your wife layered in all kinds of toxicity to her mom--hence her venom when the so-called revelation was made.

Your wife is still lying to you.

Swearing on the Bible is a nice touch. This is one of their best strategies when a cheater is scrambling for cover.

You have a difficult road ahead of you especially since you travel for a living.

Get a female guitar teacher.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hey, don't accuse a crime that she didn't commit. It's way too much. 
It's obvious his wife still loves her husband very much and she loves sex with her husband.
She doesn't care about that man and she doesn't love him at all.
The OM has no chance to get into her pants in my views.
It's not that easy to cross that physical line.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

With all do respect Ms Lonely I don't agree with you. I think the fact that the wife repeatedly lied to her husband, had the audacity to poison her parents thoughts about her husband, and had not 1 but 2 inappropriate relationships leads me to the conclusion that you can't trust her. And if she says they didn't have sex, I would assume they did.

I know that is not the central issue anymore as the trust is what is hurting him more than the physical. But I'm not sure that his wife hasn't crossed that physical barrier and won't again if the opportunity presented itself. One affair...maybe a mistake. Two affairs is habitual.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sinnister said:


> With all do respect Ms Lonely I don't agree with you. I think the fact that the wife repeatedly lied to her husband, had the audacity to poison her parents thoughts about her husband, and had not 1 but 2 inappropriate relationships leads me to the conclusion that you can't trust her. And if she says they didn't have sex, I would assume they did.
> 
> I know that is not the central issue anymore as the trust is what is hurting him more than the physical. But I'm not sure that his wife hasn't crossed that physical barrier and won't again if the opportunity presented itself. One affair...maybe a mistake. Two affairs is habitual.


:iagree:

Nothing says love like lying, minimizing, and serial cheating.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

MSLONLY- Did you read "The second time was the following week, and while kissing, he fingered her while she jerked him. She said they stopped before any climax, and she went home"?

OM WAS in her pants.
Furthermore, this is a complete and utter LIE.
This is from the cheaters handbook of TRICKLE TRUTH.

She is LYING!!!!


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Bluesky,

Thats my issue, exactly. The physical line had already been crossed, it's just a matter of to what degree.

Personally, in my mind, the wondering drove me nuts. For that reason, I think I assumed the worst and hoped for the best.

If it does turn out it was full blown physical, maybe it won't be such a surprise.

But, the longer it goes on, the togher the trust issue is.

Looking back, I am extremely lucky in that the majority of information has come rather quickly, once I confronted her. Granted, she had to be painted into a corner, but once confronted, she fessed up, and in two weeks now, most of it is on the table.

I talked to her again this am, and told her that it is improbable that I found everything out the first time, and that what she admitted was probably sugar coated.

She appeeared honest when she said, that, despite my fears, it was uncanny that I found everything. 

Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.

JT


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

sinnister said:


> With all do respect Ms Lonely I don't agree with you. I think the fact that the wife repeatedly lied to her husband, had the audacity to poison her parents thoughts about her husband, and had not 1 but 2 inappropriate relationships leads me to the conclusion that you can't trust her. And if she says they didn't have sex, I would assume they did.
> 
> I know that is not the central issue anymore as the trust is what is hurting him more than the physical. But I'm not sure that his wife hasn't crossed that physical barrier and won't again if the opportunity presented itself. One affair...maybe a mistake. Two affairs is habitual.




:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

sinnister said:


> With all do respect Ms Lonely I don't agree with you. I think the fact that the wife repeatedly lied to her husband, had the audacity to poison her parents thoughts about her husband, and had not 1 but 2 inappropriate relationships leads me to the conclusion that you can't trust her. And if she says they didn't have sex, I would assume they did.
> 
> I know that is not the central issue anymore as the trust is what is hurting him more than the physical. But I'm not sure that his wife hasn't crossed that physical barrier and won't again if the opportunity presented itself. One affair...maybe a mistake. Two affairs is habitual.


What Poison thoughts?
Her exposing her own affair? 
You can always interprete a thing in a positive way or negative.
You need to look into her intention. She was remorseful to the husband and took action to save her marriage.
When getting other ppl involved, the situation always gets more complicated, thus misunderstanding occured.
The husband did ignore her emotional needs or not we don't know what we do know is there's some misunderstandings that must be cleared with the inlaws. Nevertheless, getting more outsiders to talk is never a good idea. That's why I have always disagreed the exposure of the affair.
We're here to help bring hope, peace and love to every marriage, not to increase his confusion and resentment by assuming she's already committed a PA.
What's the point to give unreasonable judgement to this woman? Without a prove but all by your own guessings, judgements are only made to hurt this woman never talked nor offended you in your life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. When we made mistakes, firstly we tried to hide it. But when the moment we're able to expose it, face it and correct it, it's a positive sign.
She made a mistake, she tried to hide it at first, but then she decided to face it, expose it and correct her behaviors. She's cut off all the contacts with the OM right away, for many loyal spouses, it's a very positive sign, compared to many DS, still wanted to contact the OM. 
She's more trustworthy.
However, trust doesn't come back within 3 days.
It might take years for trust to grow back again.
What should be focus on is the action of correction, she did correct her mistakes and she's learnt from this lesson. 
Unnecessary suspicions will only make unnecessary resentment grow to eat the heart out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry Stoney you've had to join us on this thread, such a horrible thing for anyone to experience.

The "trickle truth" is awful and appears to make the rebuilding of trust more difficult to achieve and take longer. I'm only a month out and I doubt I'll ever trust anyone 100% again. However, when the husband started revealing details that were obviously not sugar coated, that's when I started to believe him.

As far as the two affairs, it seems once a DS has cheated and not gotten caught, it's much easier to cheat again. It's the getting caught that finally gives them a reason to reflect on their behavior and possibly change. I'm convinced that if I didn't catch my husband it would've eventually happened again, because the reasons the affair happened in the first place would've never been addressed.

I hope your wife realizes it's the not knowing that makes the LS dwell. I still live in some amount of fear that my H will drop another bombshell someday. But he stresses that his conscience is finally clear and he never wants to live that way again.

I've had my H read a lot of these threads and I think it helps him realize how important disclosure is to the process of healing. It also gives him hope that perhaps someday our marriage will be better and more fulfilling than before the affair, but only if he's honest from this point on. Of course he'd rather that it never happened in the first place, but one can't change the past, only learn from it.

Good luck to all of us!


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## Just about 40 (Feb 5, 2011)

How do you get your spouse to read any of these? My wife would see the title and act like i was being mean to her and give me the silent treatment for 3 months. (oh wait, she already has). 
To the OP, I am sooooooo sorry you are going thru this. It just doesnt seem like something that can ever be "Gotten Over". MsLonely seems to have that moniker for a reason with that kind of liberal passiveness. 
No ownership therefore willingness and obvious steps taken to be forthright and open and honest because why?
If it were me having messed up, i would NEVER want to even "present" a situation that could remotely be taken as inviting mistrust. Id want to make the marriage work and do whatever it took. But your situation seems like such a dealbreaker.
I keep hearing the term "emotional needs". Would ANY woman please define this? and do they communicate what that is to their husband? I'm no couch potato, and have done some involved research in "marriage" books. it all seems to be something to just hang that hat on. Hey, theres a cookie on the counter, I stole it, but, it WAS there wasnt it?
Character anyone? Self Dignity anyone? Responsibility and mutual Love anyone? geez.
You are what you eat, and watch, and read, and hear.
I think Edward and Jacob should divide Bella in half and enjoy their equal shares in a nice picnic.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

bluesky said:


> MSLONLY- Did you read "The second time was the following week, and while kissing, he fingered her while she jerked him. She said they stopped before any climax, and she went home"?
> 
> OM WAS in her pants.
> Furthermore, this is a complete and utter LIE.
> ...


:iagree:

Anyway, the moral difference is almost non-existent.


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

MsLonely,

She didn't decide to face it, she only admitted it when she was presented with proof, and had no more lies to fall back on.

That said, she could have continued to deny, and refuse to answer, so I guess I'm lucky.

On another note, I contacted the OM the other day, and suggested we meet so that I could give him the "no contact" letter. My suggestion was that he find time, so that I didn't have to mail it to his home where his wife and kids live, as that is the only address I have for him.

He said he would get back to me, but nothing so far.

If we can find time to meet, I plan to ask him about the specifics of the affair, and confirm what my wife has told me.

Depending on his answers, I'll decide if she has been truthful or not.

JT


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> On another note, I contacted the OM the other day, and suggested we meet


I am stunned!!!!! What are you thinking!!!!

He is probably wetting himself as to what you are gong to do. 



> so that I didn't have to mail it to his home where his wife and kids live, as that is the only address I have for him.
> 
> He said he would get back to me, but nothing so far


.

Mail it to him with a second copy to his wife, better still if you are secure enough go over one evening and knock on his door, his wife can hear what you have to say about his affair , he can answer to his wife and you can compare notes with her.

Him being in your house, two affair persons in your house says there is a strong likelihood they had sex.

If you are uncertain of the remaining details tell your wife you have scheduled a polygraph to verify the truth and look at her reaction, if she is angry you have your answer, she is holding back. If she is still defensive confirm a date with her and schedule one. Your rational is you want all the truth so you can move on and learn to trust her again.


Do your marriage a huge service, buy the "surviving and affair" by Harley and both of you read it, it places you both on the same page and will help you move forward. Tell her you are ordering it, if she is genuine about recovering the marriage she will agree to read it and support the process.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

stoney96 said:


> If we can find time to meet, I plan to ask him about the specifics of the affair, and confirm what my wife has told me.
> 
> Depending on his answers, I'll decide if she has been truthful or not.
> 
> JT


They will get in contact and agree the story.


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Well, tonight was the night.

I told the Mrs that I believed more happened, and that I was having severe emotional issues thinking about it silently while trying to work forward on our marriage.

I told her that I needed the whole truth, and not the trickle version. I'm tired of being told that there is nothing more, assuming that she is finally being truthful, only to learn that she again lied to my face.

As I looked at her, I saw that "no emotion" look on her face, the one that told me that she was again lying to me.

As we sat across from each other, I waited until she told me that it had continued past the park incident. The one that was supposedly the last and only contact.

She admitted that he invited her over several times after that, to his house, while his wife was out.

She claimed they kissed, then he asked for a blowjob. She gave him one, and then left, all within 30 minutes.

It happened three times, all the same way.

After he was satisfied, she claimed he never returned the favor for her, and she grew frustrated at his lack of reciprication.

This happened right up until Christmas 2009, and then stopped.

But I keep asking, why did she continue phone conversations up until now. She claims it was out of habit and friendship.

Who the hell does that?

What pisses me the most is that for the last month we have been talking, honestly I thought, in an effort to work on moving this forward.

We have been going to a marriage councilor the fix this too.

But, how in the hell can you fix it, if the lies continue. Why spend $200 per hour weekly, to seek out help from a MC, if all your going to do is lie.

She swears she loves me, and doesn't know why she did this to our family. But as I pointed out, she has been more honest to her lover, than she has been to me and our kids.

I feel so stupid, like she has taken advantage of our relationship and our willingness to love and trust. She was pretending to work on this problem, once caught, while lying repeatedly over and over. 

Looking back, it turns out I was the only one that must have been honestly trying, and she was relying on me being as stupid and gullible as before.

It's sad, but there is no respect for me in her eyes.

What I really want to do is pack her bags, and drop her off at this piece of garbages house. It would serve her right to have to live like this garbage she is protecting.

I hope that tommorrow, after a nights trying to sleep, that I have a calmer demeaner.

Its true though, nice guys do finish last.

Stoney


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Just am update.

We are now 5 weeks from D Day, and emotions are up and down. Its draining, to say the least.

I have gone from the "He's just a friend", to "sex once a month".

I think she feels remorse, but I keep thinking its more from being caught thatn from hurting me.

The odd thing is, she never said she though of how this would affect others when it was exposed. I think that is a common statement based on others stories.

We initially went to MC together, but the MC said she needed to spend time with my wife, so I have been alone on this. Today, we both go.

Also, I asked to speak to the OM about two weeks ago, as I didn"t want to mail a letter to his house. He blew me off, so I sent it.

His wife got the letter, and was devestated. There is conflict in his family, and his wife has shut down. Some texts between her and I as to when and where, but she cant cope.

And, my wife ran into the OM's wife the other day, and she commented on how devestated she looked. My wife has been in a funk over this for three days now, and it appears that our relationship has gotten worse as she worries about it. She is shutting me out.

Also, I think my wife is tired of explaining to me and answering questions, and I'm affraid that if she contiues to shut down, we are done.

She did tell me that, she is afraid that the OM's wife will come after her or our kids, and it consumes her thoughts.

My problem is, its hard to get past this. I feel like the more I ask, the farther I push her away.

She says shes committed to the relationship, and loves me. She has also cut off all communications. So, I guess that is a good sign.

Someone, please tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

JT


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i always love it when someone downplays the actions of a cheater. if she really loved him as is implied, why in the hell would she tear his guts out with an affair. thats absurd thinking.


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

Eli-Zor,

Reference your comment, I'm sure he was peeing his pants.

When his wife got the note, he called me. He answered all of my questions, but I have no assurance they were true, but he did confirm all of the acts and meetings that I had included.

One of the reasons he co-operated, was a comment I made in the note. He and I work in the same field, but I am higher connected in the food chain. I reminded him of that, and that I could have his job at any time.

So now I know, he wasn't concerned about anything, not his wife, kids, or my wife, but only his job.

Strange loyalty, don't you think?

JT


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