# Grown stepson has a history of very little accountability for his actions



## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

I am posting in hopes of getting advice or new ideas on how to handle things. My story:

Husband and I have been together 5 years (married 4), second marriage for us both, grown children from previous marriages (he has 2 sons 31 & 28; I have a daughter (23) and a son (20) His oldest son is married with two stepsons, he is independent of us except for the occasional small favor now and again, my daughter is single, no kids’ lives with her roommate, works; we help out in small ways but is also pretty much 90-95% independent of us as well. My son is active duty Air Force and is fully independent of us. He is single no kids just living and experiencing his life. The problem is my youngest stepson (28) I will call him “J”. He has caused many problems between my husband and me. He lived with us for about three years within a few months of us marrying and some issues:

He is a slob. He would/will not clean up after himself or his three year old (he has visitation every other weekend and they are at our house) he will throw snack cake wrappers in his bedroom floor (not in the trash can provided) he leaves partially empty glasses of soured milk on his headboard in his bedroom, he throws his dirty clothes in the floor (not in the hamper provided) and so on. Just small things that add up over time, that I taught my children NOT to do because I was their momma not their maid.

He is LAZY! This probably ties into being a slob. Instead of cleaning up his messes (his room and his car), he will lie on the couch and watch movies or get on his phone and Facebook or Youtube for hours. 

At various times, he has ordered multiple movies (some of them porn) on our satellite while we were out of town for the weekend that we had to pay for because he had no job at the time. I have since locked the satellite with a code much like you would have to do with a teenager.

He has flunked out of community college for a low GPA and attendance issues. He was going to school on a grant that he lost because of his GPA dropping below a 2.50. He was not working at the time, living in the house with us; we were paying his car insurance, cell phone bill, full tank of gas for his car and giving him spending money every week. All he had to do was go to school.

The breaking point was when it was discovered that he had smoked “Spice” in our home. 

Up until one year ago, he had never had a job for more than 3 months at a time; he has never lived on his own; never paid rent or a mortgage, an electric bill or a car payment. AT 28 YEARS OLD! The only reason he got a job and has kept a job is because his ex GF put him in jail for non-payment of child support. He has also been in jail for a seat belt ticket that he didn’t pay ($15) which lead to Failure to Appear and a License Suspension (around $800 which he paid all but $250 of). 

During this 3 year period, my husband would defend him and tell me that I was “against J” and I had the issues. I was jealous of “J” and several other things. He told me his “kids were the number 1 priority in his life.” I feel that these are grown, adult men not 10 year old children. I sometimes feel like he wasn’t honest with me in the beginning of our relationship about the expectation of continued financial support of his youngest (grown) son. I also am resentful that “J” is the only one of the 4 grown children that “expects” this. The other 3 do not. He has an aura of entitlement about him still, even though it is better. He was told to move out of our home after the “Spice” incident, but that was *only* because I gave my husband an ultimatum (which I am not in the habit of doing* EVER*) of “him or me, you decide”.” I was packed and heading a hotel and my husband was still saying “maybe if he just comes clean with us.” I was not having it, he knew the rules and he broke them. “J” knew that no drugs (which he has a history of; including a stint in rehab for Xanax abuse before I met my husband) was a condition of him living in the house and he CHOSE to disrespect everything we were doing/had done for him by using drugs in our home. 

He knows he has caused problems in our marriage and has told his older brother this. I am pretty close to my oldest stepson “D” and we have discussed “J” and his actions several times. Mostly I am asking him why is “J” the way he is and “D” is a complete 180 in terms of responsibility and accountability for his actions. “D” has stated on several occasions that “J” is a “spoiled rotten brat” and sadly, I tend to agree.

“J” is back in our home now while he looks for an apartment/rental house of his own. I am very resentful although things are better (he is working now; he seems to be picking up after himself and his son in the common areas although his room is still a pigpen.) I am praying that it will only be for a few weeks until he finds something he can afford. He saved his tax refund and has been saving additional money so that he can move out when the time comes. My husband is coming around in his opinion/view of “J” and his responsibility as a father and provider to our grandson, but I guess I am still holding on to resentment towards both my husband and “J” AND the drama that his actions caused and my husband allowed/enabled. I feel betrayed (I suppose) by my husband for choosing to defend his son repeatedly for his multiples incidents of laziness and disrespect. 

I am 42 and my husband is 50 and we both work and make good money (over six figures annually combined) and I am not willing to be an ATM and a doormat to my grown stepson (or any of the other 3 for that matter.) It is very difficult for us to discuss this as I become upset/hurt and my husband gets angry because “all I do is bring up the past, just let it go.” He can’t seem to understand that because of this (and there are other things that have happened that are similar) I am not secure in our marriage and have lost a great deal of confidence in my “place” or “priority” (for lack of a better term) in his life. I asked him point blank “Why would you pick your grown son that is choosing to do wrong over your wife that is choosing to do right?” 

As a side note, I am an educated woman with a college degree and I would *not* continue to defend/support my own child if they tried to pull these types of stunts. They would be told in no uncertain terms to follow the rules or remove themselves from my home. I try to make good decisions and I refuse to support someone that has a history of making messes (in more than one way) and expecting someone to handle the clean up after wards . I fear my resentment towards the situation is causing me to question my marriage. I do not want to be used or taken advantage of but my husband seems to not realize or recognize that is what has happened and will continue to happen as long as it is allowed. This quote sticks with me “What you allow is what will continue” and I believe it. Thanks for letting me vent, I am struggling with my resentment/hurt and try every day to let it go. But I am fearful of being on the losing side of the priority game when it comes to my husband. 

Sorry it's so long.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess I'm against "J", too, although I'm certainly not jealous of him. You've described a chronologically adult, technically male, member of the human species who is otherwise a useless waste of DNA. Has to be put in jail for not supporting his kid but he has money for drugs. Nice. If he were my own kid I would have tossed his butt out the door long ago. It costs nothing to put on a seat belt or show up in court or pick up after oneself. He's got selfishness and stupid crap between the ears and he will always be as useless as teats on a boar until he loses it. The best favor a father could ever do for him would be to plant a size 12 on his behind and feel the full effects of his own sorry choices. I wish I could imagine he's going to be a different person at 48 but I really doubt it. He's a parasite and will attach himself to a host as long as he breathes and one can be found. Pull the nipple from his mouth and maybe he'll finally grow up.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

2nd, your situation sounds similar to what my husband and I went through over his daughter. I have 3 grown children in other states, and she was a teen at home but was lying, not contributing, stealing from me regularly, getting high regularly, and had been arrested a couple of times. 

DH was super defensive and when we had disagreements, he'd automatically resort to thinking I was picking on her. 

We still have some issues here, especially when she does things like she did this week, saying she can't stand me and has never liked me and that her dad chose me over her only because I have him wrapped around my finger. (Which crushed me for a while because I am the one who picked her up from school every day, took her to and from work at least half the time, and who she turned to when she had big problems.)

Anyway, the way my husband and I got on the same page was this: 

I adopted a "lovingly detached" stance. No matter what happened, I verbalized my love for both of them, and explained that it was *because* I cared that I felt the way I did, but that I would respect the decisions he made. At the same time, though, I also let him know that if our values were too different and I was getting hurt, I'd live separately until there would not be regular problems. 

He came to see that my love was genuine and didn't try to control him or restrict him from having his relationship with his daughter, which made him more receptive to my opinions. He started confiding that he didn't know what to do with her and asking me for guidance, and then made his own decisions that often were closely aligned with what I had told him I would do if it had been my own child. 

Sounds to me like you guys are on a similar track and will get there, too, as long as you uphold good boundaries in a loving, firm, fair, and consistent way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

2ndtimewife said:


> I am not secure in our marriage and have lost a great deal of confidence in my “place” or “priority” (for lack of a better term) in his life. I asked him point blank “Why would you pick your grown son that is choosing to do wrong over your wife that is choosing to do right?”


In the past year I came within a millimeter of filing for divorce for this very reason (Over an adult stepson)and there was no way I could make my wife understand the problem.

I've talked myself down for the mean time and things seem to be getting better but I'm a very long way from where I was concerning security and respect with my wife.

You need to...

1:Set a time limit for the kid to be out of your house.
2: Disengage while he's there.
StepTogether - Terms of Use
3:Make sure your H is aware of the repercussions if the agreed upon time is not kept.(Divorce, separation,whatever)
4:Make good on whatever repercussion you put forth when he isn't out as planned.

You can't give an inch with this as you'll be manipulated into a mile before you even know what happened.

Good luck.


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## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I guess I'm against "J", too, although I'm certainly not jealous of him. You've described a chronologically adult, technically male, member of the human species who is otherwise a useless waste of DNA. Has to be put in jail for not supporting his kid but he has money for drugs. Nice. If he were my own kid I would have tossed his butt out the door long ago. It costs nothing to put on a seat belt or show up in court or pick up after oneself. He's got selfishness and stupid crap between the ears and he will always be as useless as teats on a boar until he loses it. The best favor a father could ever do for him would be to plant a size 12 on his behind and feel the full effects of his own sorry choices. I wish I could imagine he's going to be a different person at 48 but I really doubt it. He's a parasite and will attach himself to a host as long as he breathes and one can be found. Pull the nipple from his mouth and maybe he'll finally grow up.


I laughed reading this response because I often say "Break him off the tit" when referencing the situation. I actually got that from his older brother. He is alot like his mother and my husband is seeing this. My husband actually said to me just this week, "I think he's even lazier than her." THAT is tremendous progress on my H's part. I just wish I didn't feel "lost" in my marriage when it comes to where I fit into his life.


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## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

tacoma said:


> In the past year I came within a millimeter of filing for divorce for this very reason (Over an adult stepson)and there was no way I could make my wife understand the problem.
> 
> I've talked myself down for the mean time and things seem to be getting better but I'm a very long way from where I was concerning security and respect with my wife.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your resonse and for letting me know I am not alone. I DO have problems disengaging as I am a nurturer by nature and I want all involved to get along. I have been told by my H that his XW was manipulative, couldn't/wouldn't hold a job, was an expert at the guilt trip so I can only surmise that SS learned to do similar things to get what he wanted from his father. My older SS has confirmed this to me along with other suspicions I have had. As I stated my oldest SS and I have a good relationship and he KNOWS the relationship between his father and his brother has been like it is for a long time. I try not to put him in the middle but he agrees that it is past time his brother grew up and became an adult.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, I doubt you would jettison one of your kids if they needed help. How much help may be the question, but just remember "there but for the grace of God..." It could just as easily be you in your husband's situation.

But having said that, if things are moving in the right direction, you have to get over the past hurt as long as they continue that way. What will happen... he finally leaves and you remain butthurt because of what happened in the past? Is that how you want your marriage to be? Of course not.

Work together getting him on his way and work on a future together.

This message has been brought to you from the "Been there, done that" school of life.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, I doubt you would jettison one of your kids if they needed help.


There's a difference between giving aid and enabling.
The OP is way past giving aid and years into absolute enabling.



> How much help may be the question, but just remember "there but for the grace of God..." It could just as easily be you in your husband's situation.


Not true.
I was in a nearly identical situation with my wifes kid.
I can guarantee for a fact my kid will never put me or my wife in this situation.
She can't be in her husbands situation because she didn't fail to raise an able independent kid while succeeding at enabling him.




> But having said that, if things are moving in the right direction, you have to get over the past hurt as long as they continue that way. What will happen... he finally leaves and you remain butthurt because of what happened in the past? Is that how you want your marriage to be? Of course not.


I couldn't make my wife understand it so I'll fail to make you understand it but here goes.

This type of thing rocked the very foundations of who I believed my wife was and what I was to her, it destroyed my respect for her and sent me grasping in the dark for the love I used to feel for her.

You don't just "get past it", you have to rebuild it if you can and it's very hard when your spouse has no clue what to or why he should have to rebuild.


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## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, I doubt you would jettison one of your kids if they needed help. How much help may be the question, but just remember "there but for the grace of God..." It could just as easily be you in your husband's situation.
> 
> But having said that, if things are moving in the right direction, you have to get over the past hurt as long as they continue that way. What will happen... he finally leaves and you remain butthurt because of what happened in the past? Is that how you want your marriage to be? Of course not.
> 
> ...


I *have* "Jettisoned" as you put it one of my children.. My son at the age of 15 was in with the wrong crowd, got caught smoking weed, cutting school, shoplifted...petty things but can lead to bigger things with adult repercussions. I sent him off to a "boot camp" for an attitude adjustment and when he returned told him that he had one second chance and if he blew it by returning to his previous behavior then he was no longer welcomed in my home. The first time is a mistake, the second time is CHOICE. It was very difficult but it was the right thing, instead of babying him and making excuses for his unacceptable behavior. The real world will not do those things for him and neither would I and he appreciates that now. He is a cop in the USAF. I wouldn't support his choice but I could help him learn from his mistake. And he did. 

The main problem with my SS is he hasn't been held accountable for his choices and that has lead to this ideology that someone else will "handle" the clean up/aftermath of his repeated mistakes. How many "second chances" are expected? As many as will be given. 

And I am not "butthurt" as you so eloquently put it. I am having serious doubts as to whether or not my H values me as a partner or rather is he still blind (to a point) when it comes to his enabling of his chronologically adult son. We are working on a future together but that future doesn't include supporting an adult man with a child of his own. And again, he is the ONLY one of our 4 children with this mindset. It is unfair to them to treat him with special preference and I won't. 

I taught my children that there are consequences for THEIR actions and THEY are responsible for what THEY do. Not me. If they make a mistake, then learn from it. 

This response is brought to you from the "Been there, Done that. NOW learn from IT and don't repeat IT" school of reality.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I "jettisoned" mine, too. It has had some repercussions, but I'd probably make some of the same choices. I won't give up my values for theirs in my own household. If they want to live in my household, they have to abide by MY house rules when I'm footing the bill. 

Period.


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## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

tacoma said:


> There's a difference between giving aid and enabling.
> The OP is way past giving aid and years into absolute enabling.
> 
> 
> ...


YES YES YES!!! You got it, spot on!!! You just put it into words when I couldn't. Thank you so much. 

My H has a saying "Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing. If it was the easy thing, *EVERYONE* would do it." I asked him why didn't that apply to "J". His response was that "it's different when it comes to your kid." 

No,if anything it should be *EVEN MORE *important that they do the right thing, because they are learning from *YOU*!!! It is *YOUR* responsibility to teach them to be an accountable, responsible adult because no one else will.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

2ndtimewife said:


> My H has a saying "Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing. If it was the easy thing, *EVERYONE* would do it." I asked him why didn't that apply to "J". His response was that "it's different when it comes to your kid."


Mine would agree with me entirely, and then do everything she just said she wouldn't do because it was enabling.

I got the same "it's different with your kid" thing.



> No,if anything it should be *EVEN MORE *important that they do the right thing, because they are learning from *YOU*!!! It is *YOUR* responsibility to teach them to be an accountable, responsible adult because no one else will.


Yeah, I said about the same thing, didn't do any good, it all blew up anyhow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are getting very good input and advice here so I will not repeat any of it... just know that I am 100% behind what every other poster has told you.

I do have one suggestion though. Tell your husband that you understand his need to help his son. This is even if you do not agree with his son being in your home. But since you do not want to interfer with his choice, it's up to him to pick up after his son and do whatever is needed so that son follows house rules.

Just remove yourself and put all responsibility on your husband. Your husband just might change his tune if he has to be the one to clean up after the 28 year old child.


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## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are getting very good input and advice here so I will not repeat any of it... just know that I am 100% behind what every other poster has told you.
> 
> I do have one suggestion though. Tell your husband that you understand his need to help his son. This is even if you do not agree with his son being in your home. But since you do not want to interfer with his choice, it's up to him to pick up after his son and do whatever is needed so that son follows house rules.
> 
> Just remove yourself and put all responsibility on your husband. Your husband just might change his tune if he has to be the one to clean up after the 28 year old child.


Thank you for your response. I did this when he lived here before. We came home after a long weekend away and the kitchen was a wreck. Greasy skillets on the stovetop, ketchup splattered plate in the sink, trash running over. And it was clean when we left three days earlier and he was the only one here ( supposedly) all weekend. I stated that I was not cleaning up the mess, it could rot before I touched it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndtimewife said:


> Thank you for your response. I did this when he lived here before. We came home after a long weekend away and the kitchen was a wreck. Greasy skillets on the stovetop, ketchup splattered plate in the sink, trash running over. And it was clean when we left three days earlier and he was the only one here ( supposedly) all weekend. I stated that I was not cleaning up the mess, it could rot before I touched it.


So who cleaned it up? The step son or his father?


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## 2ndtimewife (Mar 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So who cleaned it up? The step son or his father?


H started to do it, then shook his head. went and got SS up out of the bed (at 5 in the afternoon, oh and SS was slightly hungover) and told him to do it. SS whined and complained and H and he got it into it. H will get on his case but has problems sticking to it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, I doubt you would jettison one of your kids if they needed help. How much help may be the question, but just remember "there but for the grace of God..." It could just as easily be you in your husband's situation.
> 
> But having said that, if things are moving in the right direction, you have to get over the past hurt as long as they continue that way. What will happen... he finally leaves and you remain butthurt because of what happened in the past? Is that how you want your marriage to be? Of course not.
> 
> ...


If "jettisoning" is what they need, that's what they get. I suppose you might say I "jettisoned" my own son. He's now married, employed full-time, and a home-owner. If I hadn't, he'd still be living in my basement, stuck at age 10. We get along great and he's gone tons more self-respect and pride now that he's standing on his own two adult legs. 
I don't believe any real man wants to be a dependent. They might be afraid of risks or failure but both are character-building. It's easier to kick self-destructive habits when the choices are limited to growing up or starvation. Sometimes, the most loving touch is a kick in the butt.
This guy has been an adult for 9 years but I doubt he's acted like one for 9 minutes. He's running out of time. Every day he acts like a kid, his actual kid is growing up mostly without him and his peers are passing him by. Letting him sponge off his parents isn't doing him any favors. It's actually pretty cruel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndtimewife said:


> H started to do it, then shook his head. went and got SS up out of the bed (at 5 in the afternoon, oh and SS was slightly hungover) and told him to do it. SS whined and complained and H and he got it into it. H will get on his case but has problems sticking to it.


The more you do this, put the responsibility on your husband to handle his son, the sooner your husband will ensure that his son moves out.


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