# I don’t know what to do.... help!



## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

My husband and I have been together a little over 3 years. Back in March he told me he wants a divorce and I moved back home with my parents. We now live about two hours apart. This was the second marriage for both of us. Since we have been separated he still has not filed any paperwork. We don’t have kids together and really didn’t have any property to split up. We have already agreed and who will take what and have divided everything up so he could file the divorce online and get it over with for $300. When I ask him why he hasn’t filed yet he says he doesn’t have the money, but he has plenty of money to buy new things or go to bars.

When he told me he wanted a divorce he told me it was because we were fighting to much (which we were but we have since figured out why and how we could fix that). He also said that he loved me he just wasn’t “in love” with me anymore and that he isn’t sexually attracted to me. He also used the excuse that he was married to his ex wife for 17 years and then me and him jumped into a relationship pretty soon after, so he never had time to explore the waters and wants to be able to go and F*** whoever he wants. And then the last excuse is is just doesn’t want to be married because what if I do to him what his ex wife did. She had an affair and then pretty much took him for everything he had. 

We have been separated for 4 months but yet he still calls me everyday, usually multiple times a day. We see each other every weekend, which always ends in us having sex. But it’s not just sex, we meet up have dinner hang out and just spend a good 3-6 hours together. We meet in the middle so he has to drive an hour to see me. He still hasn’t slept with anyone else, he goes to bars to prove he can but then never makes contact with anyone. If we aren’t together and he’s feeling like he wants company instead of going out and finding someone like he said he wanted to he calls me.

When I bring up is getting back together he is always very firm with saying no and that he doest want that to happen but yet he does all of the things above. Am I just crazy thinking that he’s lying to himself? I think he really does want to get back together deep down but he’s just scared. What do I do? I would love to make my marriage work but if I’m fooling myself and it’s never going to happen I also don’t want to hurt myself more in the process.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He has exactly what he wants right now - which includes still having you hanging onto him and giving him attention and sex every other weekend, leaving him free to chase other women during the week and half the weekends.

He doesn't want this marriage. You're now the booty call. If you don't want to be that, divorce him. 

I'd strongly advise getting an STD test and stopping having sex with him.


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

Marduk said:


> He has exactly what he wants right now - which includes still having you hanging onto him and giving him attention and sex every other weekend, leaving him free to chase other women during the week and half the weekends.
> 
> He doesn't want this marriage. You're now the booty call. If you don't want to be that, divorce him.
> 
> I'd strongly advise getting an STD test and stopping having sex with him.


I know for a fact he’s not having sex with other women. And we see each other every weekend. During the week if he wants sex he calls me to help him out over the phone. Ifs he not at work or busy with something at the house he’s usually talking to me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Samantha88 said:


> I know for a fact he’s not having sex with other women. And we see each other every weekend. During the week if he wants sex he calls me to help him out over the phone. Ifs he not at work or busy with something at the house he’s usually talking to me.


How do you know it for a fact?

He's left the home. He's said he wants to divorce. He's said he wants to have sex with other women. What is it that you think he's doing when he's not with you?


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

Because like I stated earlier when he’s not at work he’s on the phone talking to me. He still has his two kids at home with him and moved his mom into the house after I left.

If he’s finding time to have sex with other women then he must be magic because I know where he is pretty much 100% of the time


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Samantha88 said:


> Because like I stated earlier when he’s not at work he’s on the phone talking to me. He still has his two kids at home with him and moved his mom into the house after I left.
> 
> If he’s finding time to have sex with other women then he must be magic because I know where he is pretty much 100% of the time


My ex wife was sleeping with someone else when I drove her to work every day, we ate lunches together most days, came home together every night, and spent every weekend together.

My point is not to cause you anxiety. My point is to reinforce that he's told you he wants to sleep with other people, that he's told you he wants a divorce, and that he's left to enact those decisions.

You having unprotected sex with him is going to be a risk factor, and you having sex with him on weekends during a divorce is going to confuse you and be a convenience for him. He's getting everything he wants, and you're not.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn’t want to live with you. He does want to have sex with you. That’s where you are. If that’s not enough, then your best option is to cut him off, file for divorce, and move on. Because right now he has all he wants.


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

Openminded said:


> He doesn’t want to live with you. He does want to have sex with you. That’s where you are. If that’s not enough, then your best option is to cut him off, file for divorce, and move on. Because right now he has all he wants.


Do you think it’s really he just wants sex when he calls me everyday multiple times a day just to chat? I just feel like if he only wanted sex then that’s all it would be. No phone calls everyday, and when we do get together it’s not just sex either, we hang out, we talk, we go to dinner or something. He talks to me about work and about the kids. I mean we will communicate about everything. Really the only difference is we aren’t living together and he says he doesn’t want to be married. It’s all just so confusing...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he‘s fine with the other stuff but he doesn’t want to live with you.

If you want to move on with your life then you’ll need to be the one to file.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You are plan B and ego kibbles. He wants to **** women and date but if he can't find someone to do that with he'll call you. He wants some woman to hang on his every word and to 'love' him but he actually would prefer it be someone else. He is trying to sow his wild oats but is having trouble and you are safe and familiar.



Samantha88 said:


> Do you think it’s really he just wants sex when he calls me everyday multiple times a day just to chat? I just feel like if he only wanted sex then that’s all it would be. No phone calls everyday, and when we do get together it’s not just sex either, we hang out, we talk, we go to dinner or something. He talks to me about work and about the kids. I mean we will communicate about everything. Really the only difference is we aren’t living together and he says he doesn’t want to be married. It’s all just so confusing...


Ok it isn't the same. He has out right told you he wants to **** other women. He goes to bars to accomplish this. Now he isn't having as much luck as he would like (or maybe he is).

So men are motivated by sex. You and him might end up back together if you keep having sex with him and helping him. But he has made it clear you aren't his number one choice. His number one choice is some made up woman in his head who will have wild porn sex, look like a movie star, not need anything and think he is king no matter what while bringing him a beer. Or some horseshit like that. He has made it clear he doesn't want to reconcile.

Are you ok with working through this teenage phase? Are you ok with being second choice to some woman he doesn't even know? Are you ok with **** buddy for now, maybe back together later (or maybe not)?

He is at least being honest with you about wanting to go out and get some strange. 

Why don't you try dating (someone else)? You are separated and it appears the terms of your separation allows this. Next time he calls say hey since we are separated I"m going to a bar tonight and see what's out there. You seem to be having a good time any pointers on what to expect? 

Figure out what you want. If you want to be in a committed relationship then file for divorce and move on. If you want this guy no matter what the terms then keep having sex and somewhat dating knowing you are on unsure footing.

I'd personally file for divorce. I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't want me enough to want me. 

I dated an was engaged once to a guy that loved me but not enough for me. It took me a little while but I got rid of him and it was the best decision I ever made. Free yourself. Stop feeding his ego and helping him out with his sex problem.

Or let him know you love him and want the marriage to work but you aren't having sex anymore since he is seeking sex from others. That you have too much self esteem for that. Then go find some self esteem. You deserve better.


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> You are plan B and ego kibbles. He wants to **** women and date but if he can't find someone to do that with he'll call you. He wants some woman to hang on his every word and to 'love' him but he actually would prefer it be someone else. He is trying to sow his wild oats but is having trouble and you are safe and familiar.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I did tell him that if he starts having sex with other people we were done, and not just done having sex but I would no longer get be his friend either. He isn’t seeking other partners right now, when he goes to the bars he goes at dinner time has a beer or two then goes home to his kids. I know this he sue while he’s at the bar I get pictures of his drinks or his food. He says he wants to sleep with other people but he hasn’t yet and quite honestly doesn’t seem to act like he’s going to anytime soon. He’s very wishy washy. I do agree with you on I need to decide what I want for me and if I’m ok with it being his first choice right now... he’s always been kind of a lost soul never really knowing what he wants. Even his closest friends and family members say they don’t honk he knows what he wants. I guess that’s why I’m so torn... because what if after awhile he does realize I’m his number 1? But at the same time what is that never happens? I know he’s what I want, I love him, I love his kids and I love the life we had together. It just doesn’t make sense that we can have so many good times still and not be together. People that don’t love each other don’t have what he have... 

Maybe I should just take people’s advise and cut ties but it breaks my heart to do that. I really truly think he loves me and is just scared right now... but maybe I’m just stupid and delusional


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> You are plan B and ego kibbles. He wants to **** women and date but if he can't find someone to do that with he'll call you. He wants some woman to hang on his every word and to 'love' him but he actually would prefer it be someone else. He is trying to sow his wild oats but is having trouble and you are safe and familiar.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I guess I should mention this weekend is my Birthday and he want to take me out of town for the weekend to celebrate. He took time off work, made plans for his kids and wants to go spend two whole days together... this is the kind of stuff that gets me all confused...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Samantha88 , 

Here's the way I see it. He made a promise to spend the rest of his days learning to love you and being loving to you. His marriage vows weren't "I'll be faithful to her as long as I feel like it" or "She will love me but I'll just leave her wondering." He BROKE his vows and demonstrated to you that he is a man whose word means nothing. Thus, no matter what he *says *to you, it means nothing. He'll not do it and break your heart just as easy as doing it. Is that the kind of partner you want?

My question to you would be this: why would you accept this kind of treatment from someone who made vows to you? I sure wouldn't. Look I am married and with the love of my life now, and I expect him to be honest, faithful, and true. If he's unfaithful (or says he wants to be), I don't just say, "Well you can come and have sex with me anyway." Hey, it's a free country and he's free to leave me any day he chooses to do so--I want him to stay because he wants to stay!--but if he does something like saying "I kind of want to be free to chase other women and come back home and have you too" I'd say not just no, not just Hard No, but HELL NO!!! If someone wants to be with me, they have to be a man of quality and character, and character means being honest and faithful. Chase other women all ya want but the cost is losing me!

So my question to you, again, is why would you accept a life partner who only wants to use you if he can't get it elsewhere? Either he wants to be with you, and will come live at home with you in your bed and work on the relationship--or he wants to be gone, in which case he doesn't GET the benefits of your home, your bed, or the relationship. Get it? Why do you accept crumbs? 

I can tell you right now, there is no confusion on his side whatsoever. He wants to have the benefits of being married (like your friendship, your companionship, your sexuality) without paying the costs of being married (which is fidelity). As long as you let him get away with it, he has his cake and is eating it too! He has EXACTLY what he wants! Why would he ever change? He can live like and be a "single" man while he gets any sex he wants from you. No. No love yourself more and love him more--it is the most loving thing you can do to help him learn that EVERY choice has both a cost and a benefit. The cost of "you" is a commitment to you that he honors with his actions (in other words, he lives with you, works on the relationship with you, treats you lovingly) and the benefit of "you" is that he gets the friendship, companionship and sex. The cost of no commitment to you is losing the benefit. Love yourself and love him more. Allow him to experience the natural cost of the choice he has made.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It isn't confusing. Someone can like you. Someone can have sex with you. That doesn't mean that someone is in love with you or will commit to being with you forever. Just because he isn't treating you poorly (though I'd argue he is) doesn't mean it's meant to be. Yes he sounds confused.



Samantha88 said:


> . He also said that *he loved me he just wasn’t “in love” with me anymore and that he isn’t sexually attracted *to me. he never had time to explore the waters and *wants to be able to go and F*** whoever he wants*. And then the last excuse is is just doesn’t want to be married because what if I do to him what his ex wife did. *She had an affair and then pretty much took him for everything he had.*
> 
> When I bring up is getting back together he is always very firm with saying no and that he doest want that to happen


So he claims he is worried you'll have an affair but he wants to be free to **** whoever he wants. Geesh.

The above are your words. Does that sound like a life long commitment? What do the people who know you two say? What does your mom say? 

How old are you? Do you have any kids of your own? Do you work? 

Personally I'll say again. Divorce and move on. You deserve someone who will cherish you and love you and find you attractive. 

I would say since you seem so hung up on getting back together he may worry that if you move back the fighting will start again. You could sign a pre-nup with an affair clause. But it doesn't sound like he really loves you it sounds like you are good and comfortable for now until he finds something else. His options right now are probably limited due to Covid. Now if he is lazy, introverted, doesn't make much money, unattractive, poor social skills he might now ever find someone who will jump in there and then realize you are the best he is going to do and come back. But is that what YOU want? What do you want? Why do you love him? Why hasn't his current state of disregard for your marriage and feelings started to sever the love you feel for him? 

Even if you want to reconcile I'd file for divorce. If he doesn't have to make a choice chances are this will just drag out until some woman decided to have sex with him. There will be a woman who decided to have sex with him, either at work or the bar or the neighborhood or a mother of a friend of the kids who see you aren't around anymore. It will eventually happen. His current state to me doesn't really scream him being torn. It's just easy. Many men who don't really have much decision making capacity do the same thing. Just keep the status quo until someone with a stronger personality comes along and tells him what to do. 

He has found enough decision to separate and enough to refuse you when you talk about getting back together. Talking with you and having sex with you is just fun for him.

Is he always the one to call you? Why do you answer the phone? Just let it go to voice mail. Let him wonder what you are doing.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

File for divorce. If he wants to be with you he will. Right now he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don’t wait around like a desperate women waiting for your husband to choose you. You deserve better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Samantha88 said:


> I guess I should mention this weekend is my Birthday and he want to take me out of town for the weekend to celebrate. He took time off work, made plans for his kids and wants to go spend two whole days together... this is the kind of stuff that gets me all confused...


nothing to be confused about. He likes you enough to screw you and hang out, but doesn’t value enough to be with just you. So he’s using you until something better comes along.
Extremely simple stuff. 
You
Are 
Being
Used.

I will say the guy is really weird. If I liked someone enough to talk to them on the phone constantly, I’d probably want to be married to them.
But make no mistake, you’re just there until something better comes along. He’s told you plainly, remember?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

He wants a girlfriend, not a wife. Right now, you are filling that role perfectly. He's getting what he wants.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Whyare you enabling his bad behaviour?


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> nothing to be confused about. He likes you enough to screw you and hang out, but doesn’t value enough to be with just you. So he’s using you until something better comes along.
> Extremely simple stuff.
> You
> Are
> ...


He won’t find anything better... that’s what makes me so mad! He knows he won’t either. Everyone has told him I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and his kids. He’s admitted it too... I just don’t know why he would throw away what we have and what I do for him and his kids. I know I need to just cut him off I just wish it wasn’t so hard.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Samantha88 said:


> I guess I should mention this weekend is my Birthday and he want to take me out of town for the weekend to celebrate. He took time off work, made plans for his kids and wants to go spend two whole days together... this is the kind of stuff that gets me all confused...


I guess that you are at that stage: don't want to see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. In other words, you don't want to accept the reality of the situation: he dumped you, is not in love with you, and he's very conveniently stringing you along to have easy, familiar sex, even if he's no longer really attracted to you, but as a man free sex is free sex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course, it’s difficult. You’re in love with him. But his actions are telling you that he doesn’t want to be married to you. That’s what you need to focus on. Sure, you can continue to do what you’re doing in the hope he’ll wake up at some point and choose you. But if you do take him back then you’ll never be sure he won’t try this again one day. Keep that in mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s throwing it all away because he’s decided it isn’t what he wants. 

Focus on getting your life back so you can move on and let go of him.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

He wants to be with you, but not married to you. or he just feels bad for leaving you. Don’t rush having him back.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Well, you are his back up plan. Once some other lady comes around, he will lose interest in you. 
if he is having change of heart... and re-thinking going back together (as you hope) - you should have that Conversation during youR birthday weekend. He needs to decide one way or another sometimes soon, because you can not wait forever.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Samantha88 said:


> He won’t find anything better... that’s what makes me so mad! He knows he won’t either. Everyone has told him I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and his kids. He’s admitted it too... I just don’t know why he would throw away what we have and what I do for him and his kids. I know I need to just cut him off I just wish it wasn’t so hard.


I wonder if he has someone in mind to date and that is what started this whole mess. Maybe he's not turning you away at the moment because she is still in the process of leaving a boyfriend or spouse and they have limited interactions because of it sandwiched in between his interactions with you. You're not with him 24/7. It wouldn't be hard to tell you he's going to bed and then call her or text you both simultaneously. 

Otherwise - none of this makes any sense. Giving up a good, possibly great thing in his life for absolutely nothing? Outside of mental illness, people don't just do that. He had some kind of motivation before he came to that conclusion.

Regardless, not your circus. Not your monkeys. He fired you as a wife. Don't accept any more phone calls from him. Leave his texts on read. Only talk to him about the separation and inevitable divorce moving forward. If he really pressures you about it, it's okay to be honest and say that it's too painful to continue to be his placeholder and you need to move on for your own sake. It is possible that putting him in this situation by removing yourself as an option will make him reconsider and choose you. You can cross that bridge when you get to it because you should absolutely require some things from him before moving back in together if that happens.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The line, "I love you but I'm not _in_ love with you," is the oldest, most common, and biggest red flag to ever come out of the mouth of every cheater, ever. They literally _all_, with only the rarest exception, say exactly that phrase. Like it's printed in The Cheaters Handbook or something. 

So, at a guess, I'd say there likely was someone else he was running around with. She may have thrown him over, or maybe just isn't ready to leave her current relationship yet. So, back to his backup plan: You. Because you'll give him everything he needs right now - company, a hot meal, sex, fun - without him having to do anything to actually merit your attention. 

Remember: A woman can fake an orgasm. A man can fake an entire relationship. 

Which is exactly what's happening. He's keeping you on the hook until something better - or maybe just different - comes along. When it does, you can be sure that he'll be done with you. Unless, of course, you're still waiting around doing the pick-me dance the _next_ time he's looking for a soft place to land.

OP, love yourself enough to not allow this to continue. Aren't you worth more than being someone's backup plan? Don't you think you deserve more than being used as a convenient fall back position?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When/if at some point he gets bored or inconvenienced or whatever, he may decide you were okay to be married to after all. You’ll be tempted to take him back. Don’t. You’ll never trust him again (or you shouldn’t).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Samantha88 I feel for you. I am going to say something that I hope will not cause you any offence but your husband has decided to change the status of your relationship.

He has changed himself to a single man (of sorts) and he has made the unilateral decision to change your status from his wife to that of his "booty call." 

Whoa! What? He dares do that to the woman who he asked to be the mother (some use the term stepmother) to his children? 

How disrespectful is that? Not only to you, but to the children? He is teaching them that respect is not to be given to women.

I think he is a cad, a bounder and a rotter and you need to seek out a shark divorce attorney ASAP.

PS Getting checked out for STDs can't hurt. But it might help.


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## Samantha88 (Jun 2, 2020)

No offense taken. I have been very upfront with him that I think he is being an asshole and a coward. I am going to counseling to help me get emotionally strong enough to stand up for myself (my first marriage was physically and emotionally abusive and I’m still dealing with self worth issues). I’m just not to the point yet where I can cut ties... I know that’s what’s needed to either win him back or move on it’s just scary.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Samantha88 said:


> No offense taken. I have been very upfront with him that I think he is being an asshole and a coward. I am going to counseling to help me get emotionally strong enough to stand up for myself (my first marriage was physically and emotionally abusive and I’m still dealing with self worth issues). I’m just not to the point yet where I can cut ties... I know that’s what’s needed to either win him back or move on it’s just scary.


Yes, it *is* scary, isn't it? However, we are here for you. Many people on TAM have been in your situation and can offer you their advice based on their experiences.

There's also a Social Spot where you can hang out and have fun, too. I'm sorry you needed to seek us out, but I'm so glad you found us.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Hey, I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation right now. Seems like he doesn't know what he wants, and is kind of shifting blame on you. That's not right. I'd say let him go through with the divorce; no one should make you feel insignificant and low in regard to him telling you "i'm not in love, not sexually attracted to you, I need to explore" etc. It's way too soon in the marriage for that. Also, I would not make myself available to him at all, unless it's related to the divorce. Stand your ground. If he calls/comes around, and it's not related to the divorce he wants, stop communication with him. It takes strength to do that, but I think you can do it for the sake of your own self-respect.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please don’t think of this person as someone you can “win back”. He is at best a booby prize for a foolish person. Let him go and get a man who wants to win YOU.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think you need to do a strict 180 on him and let him see what life without you will look like. I can’t imagine having sex with someone who told me outright that he’s not attracted to me. That’s a cruel thing for him to say to you.

The longer you do the 180 the stronger you will get. Stop taking his phone calls and stop meeting him on the weekends. Make other plans and be sure to tell him you have other plans right before you tell him you’re too busy to talk on the phone. Then don’t answer anymore when he calls. You are worth so much more than what he is offering you. And file for divorce yourself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Samantha88 said:


> Do you think it’s really he just wants sex when he calls me everyday multiple times a day just to chat? I just feel like if he only wanted sex then that’s all it would be. No phone calls everyday, and when we do get together it’s not just sex either, we hang out, we talk, we go to dinner or something. He talks to me about work and about the kids. I mean we will communicate about everything. Really the only difference is we aren’t living together and he says he doesn’t want to be married. It’s all just so confusing...


Time to do the hard 180 on him. He is keeping you in reserve. If someone comes along who is more fun, sexier, etc he will be gone. Why are you allowing him to dangle you like this and control what happens. You have to take back control. Cut contact with him. Get therapy, see a lawyer. You are enabling him in every way, he is having his cake and eating it. He says he hasn't slept with anyone and you believe him? You are just a nice soft place to land. Take yourself out of this position.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

Cut your losses. You are the booty call. He is lonely. He wants the cake and eat it too. If he did come across someone else, I imagine you would notice a dramatic drop in the number of calls/texts you were getting just to chat. Many men (and women) really do not like the idea of being alone. Right now, he has it made. He can do what he wants but has you in the wings to meet his emotional needs. Maybe he will get tired of the chase for a little while and you could appear to make it worse, but my guess is a few years down the road, the itch will hit again and you will be in the same spot. Why put yourself through it twice when you don't have that much invested in it right now. It could be keeping you from meeting someone who really cares about you, not just themselves.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Samantha88 I haven't commented yet, but I agree with what everyone else here is saying.

Do you have any update?

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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