# How long does it take to get through this?



## Naivenomore (Jan 28, 2020)

Firstly, thank you for being here for me months ago. The kindness and direct honesty I found here from strangers helped more than I could express.
I've read that you don't get "over" infidelity, you get through it. I feel like enough time has passed for me to be relieved from the constant triggers, but I just don't feel the same toward my SO and I think I'll never fully trust him again. I'm emotionally exhausted. How long does this take?
Is it ok for me to break up if I'm too tired to continue trying? He doesn't understand why I can't move on and I don't know what to tell him because I don't understand why I still feel so much pain either.
He stopped in March, but only after being caught so many times I finally asked him to move out. For reference, it's my house, my kids, and I financially support him. Consequently, I often feel he's only with me because of nowhere else to go. I'm a mess. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Naivenomore said:


> Is it ok for me to break up if I'm too tired to continue trying


Yes. You are not married to him. You owe him NOTHING. He has repeatedly cheated on you.



Naivenomore said:


> For reference, it's my house, my kids, and I financially support him.


Boot his lousy a$$ out. If you asked him to leave, and he hasn't left, call the sheriff, and have his butt put on the street. It's YOUR house, and YOUR family. Not his.



Naivenomore said:


> Consequently, I often feel he's only with me because of nowhere else to go.


I'm going to take a bit of license and eliminate "consequently" from your sentence. Then, reply to the rest of the sentence.

The way you feel is not a consequence of your actions, which are those of giving. You are a giver, he is a taker. I don't like takers. They are lazy and irresponsible. They make me sick. There are no consequences to giving. The consequences rightfully belong to the taker. 

The way you feel is because of the TRUTH of the rest of your sentence. He is a USER. He uses you for a roof, meals, and takes support at the expense of your kids, while he goes and finds other toys to trip his trigger. What a louse....what a loser.....

My beloved, please shed this guy, move on, and find yourself a REAL MAN. A MAN stands up and shoulders his responsibilities. A MAN makes wedding vows to the woman he wants to take to his bed. A MAN does not break those vows. A MAN does not live at the expense of someone else's kids.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You don't really even "get through it", you just decide what's worse, living with it and all the heartache and despair that brings, or plowing through the fear of calling it quits and moving on to a new life without him. 

You got nuth'n to work with here. A lot of women try to accept staying with a cheater and the loss of respect and repulsion because their cheating husband is supporting her and the kids and putting the roof over their heads and the food on the table. You don't even have that. 

This guy is nothing but a burden and a sack of rocks for you to lug around. 

It's normal and natural and probably even healthy to lose feelings for someone that hurt you and betrayed you in such a manner. 

Women also cannot respect and admire a male that they have to support. 

Of course he's begging to stay, otherwise he's out on the street dumpster diving to eat and living under a bridge. 

It doesn't matter how much time has passed because he isn't any good. Ten years can go by and he may still not be any good and you've just burned up another ten years of your life that you could have been living instead of lugging this bag of rocks around. 

He is simply using you as a paycheck and Wife Appliance. 

He is a cancer. You either go through the pain of surgery and chemo or it eats you up and destroys you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would say he’s very likely only with you because you’re supporting him. Why would he leave? Not many women are willing to do what you have. As to trust, it’s asking for trouble to ever again completely trust a cheater. Don’t. As to how long it takes if you’re attempting to reconcile, the answer is at least several years — and sometimes never. Not everyone who tries to reconcile succeeds. Often the damage is just too great. I wouldn’t waste any more time on someone who just wants you to hurry up and move on so his life can go back to normal. He’s not concerned about you — he’s concerned about him. Dump him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> This guy is nothing but a burden and a sack of rocks for you to lug around.


Precisely.....well, not exactly precise. I would not have said "rocks".....


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The standard answer is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and that's only if both the BS and WS are doing the work. Work that he wasn't willing to do. Has that changed? His he in therapy? Are you in couples counseling? Has he started telling you everything you want to know, or does he still think it's just "picking at scabs"? Him saying you should just move on and not understanding why you can't probably tells you everything you need to know. 

Two years ago I found out my wife was cheating, which trickled into learning that she had spent the majority of our marriage and relationship cheating with two men, and that she lied about the conception of one of our kids. We're still together, I love her, and I'm happy, but it wasn't an easy or quick road to get to where I am today. I didn't start feeling better until recently, somewhere in the 22-23 month range probably (and "better" isn't "all healed up"). Around the 9 month mark I was totally repulsed by her, hated her most of the time, and had to force myself to pretend otherwise. I also initiated somewhat separating around the 9-10 month mark (and the 18-20 month point as well). Will I ever fully trust her again? Nope, and to be honest, I still don't trust her very much. 

So has it been long enough for you? IMO, no. That being said, if he's still refusing to do the work, then it's been plenty long and it's time to kick him to the curb. A big difference between my "journey" and yours is that I have a spouse who was willing to do everything, I felt like she was doing everything right, and she isn't confused by why I can't just get over it (nor does she ever expect me to). 

It is absolutely okay for you to break up with him. You can break up with anyone for any reason, and infidelity sure is a good reason. You could try to reconcile for 9 months or 9 years and _still_ decide to call it quits.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

bobert said:


> Him saying you should just move on and not understanding why you can't probably tells you everything you need to know.


Yep. Everything, wrapped up, right there, in one sentence.



bobert said:


> Will I ever fully trust her again? Nope


Correct again. Not only did I not trust her to remain sexually faithful, I didn't trust her to have my best interests at heart in anything.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Naivenomore said:


> Firstly, thank you for being here for me months ago. The kindness and direct honesty I found here from strangers helped more than I could express.
> I've read that you don't get "over" infidelity, you get through it. I feel like enough time has passed for me to be relieved from the constant triggers, but I just don't feel the same toward my SO and I think I'll never fully trust him again. I'm emotionally exhausted. How long does this take?
> Is it ok for me to break up if I'm too tired to continue trying? He doesn't understand why I can't move on and I don't know what to tell him because I don't understand why I still feel so much pain either.
> He stopped in March, but only after being caught so many times I finally asked him to move out. For reference, it's my house, my kids, and I financially support him. Consequently, I often feel he's only with me because of nowhere else to go. I'm a mess. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Yes you are entirely within your right to have feelings about all of this, it is not just the cheating it is the false starts and all the lying. He only stopped after being caught over and over, not must remorse or basis for starting afresh imo. You cannot move on because he has broken your heart and has shown you that you cannot trust him, there has been no real remorse, no moving heaven and earth to win back your trust. His attitude is, 'get over it!' Well tough titty, you don't have to get over anything, only when YOU want to and in YOUR time not his! 
Stop financially supporting him for one, he doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh. I guarantee he is a leach who is using you, kick him to the kerb, cut all contact. I hope the kids are not his?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to get him out of there before you accidentally get pregnant or something and then are tied to him for life. You sure don't owe him anything.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

You will get over "it" much quicker without him there as a daily reminder...I say this from experience 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Naivenomore said:


> Firstly, thank you for being here for me months ago. The kindness and direct honesty I found here from strangers helped more than I could express.
> I've read that you don't get "over" infidelity, you get through it. I feel like enough time has passed for me to be relieved from the constant triggers, but I just don't feel the same toward my SO and I think I'll never fully trust him again. I'm emotionally exhausted. How long does this take?
> Is it ok for me to break up if I'm too tired to continue trying? He doesn't understand why I can't move on and I don't know what to tell him because I don't understand why I still feel so much pain either.
> He stopped in March, but only after being caught so many times I finally asked him to move out. For reference, it's my house, my kids, and I financially support him. Consequently, I often feel he's only with me because of nowhere else to go. I'm a mess. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Send him packing. This is one sure way of moving on with life in a better light.


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## Shkb (Sep 19, 2020)

He sounds like a loser and a mooch, you deserve to have a partner, not a dependent. I left my ex now a few months ago after she cheated but I feel like if I had stayed she would be expecting me to sweep it under the rug and that is just not healthy, it takes a lot of time, and no one gets to demand your forgiveness. The cheater thinks they have all this power, they can just stab you in the back and then just rub your back and be like, get over it and start loving me again. Listen to your gut, you’re emotionally drained, that’s a sign.

Honestly I think everyone here is right it probably takes 2 or more years to get over this stuff. You’d be better off alone than with a financial drain who cheated on you, and so recently too. What are the reasons you are still with him, are you still living together?


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## Naivenomore (Jan 28, 2020)

Thank you, everyone. I needed this. I've been living a façade, pretending to be ok. With the holidays approaching, I just can't listen to him brag about how great he has it to family and friends without feeling used. For reference, we've only been dating 2.5 years, he moved in right away, quit his job to do day trading, borrowed money from me to start a trading account. The money's gone so now he helps me (I own investment property and am a landlord). I feel resentment because I didn't want an employee, I wanted a boyfriend. It really changes the dynamics of a relationship with him completely dependent on me. I feel more like his mom giving him an allowance. Worse yet, sometimes I feel like he's my gigolo and that he stays with me for the comfortable life I give him. I feel icky. I'm 52. I guess I'm lonely and wondering if this is as good as it gets. He's funny, kind, sociable, and has a healthy libido (obviously, since he maintained 7 other women the entire time we've been together, and those are just the ones I discovered).
Anyway, I'm going to take a leap of faith and trust that there are still a few fish in the sea for this old lady. Thank you again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Naivenomore said:


> Thank you, everyone. I needed this. I've been living a façade, pretending to be ok. With the holidays approaching, I just can't listen to him brag about how great he has it to family and friends without feeling used. For reference, we've only been dating 2.5 years, he moved in right away, quit his job to do day trading, borrowed money from me to start a trading account. The money's gone so now he helps me (I own investment property and am a landlord). I feel resentment because I didn't want an employee, I wanted a boyfriend. It really changes the dynamics of a relationship with him completely dependent on me. I feel more like his mom giving him an allowance. Worse yet, sometimes I feel like he's my gigolo and that he stays with me for the comfortable life I give him. I feel icky. I'm 52. I guess I'm lonely and wondering if this is as good as it gets. He's funny, kind, sociable, and has a healthy libido (obviously, since he maintained 7 other women the entire time we've been together, and those are just the ones I discovered).
> Anyway, I'm going to take a leap of faith and trust that there are still a few fish in the sea for this old lady. Thank you again.


If he has cheated at least 7 times he wont stop. 7 Times, no wonder you cant get over it. Its his way of life. He is a serial cheat. If you arent even married then there is no reason at all for you to still be living together. Why did you even let him come back? Give him a set time to move out,say 2 weeks. The trust has been shattered time and time again and you are worth more than this..Please dont stay with him just because you are afraid you wont meet anyone else, surely being alone is beter than living with this awful man.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Agree w/ others who say he's been using you and you're better off w/o him. There are plenty of other men who will do that, but you're better off w/o any of them. Work on being the kind of self-respecting person someone would want to be with; you'll be better off if you find someone or not.

Don't concentrate on getting over it, concentrate on learning from it. Mistakes are inevitable, but without them most of us wouldn't have learned much.

If you do ask him to leave and he doesn't want to, you will have to start court eviction proceedings which will take a while.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Thought about this some more, part of the learning from it is asking yourself if you could have seen it coming, or if your "selection process" made it more likely. 

IDK enough to say if this is you, but some people are impressed by people who lie or are deceptive. Others are insecure around people who are as capable as they are, and pick people dumber or less ambitious.

Individual counseling can help if you think any of this is likely.


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## Naivenomore (Jan 28, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> Thought about this some more, part of the learning from it is asking yourself if you could have seen it coming, or if your "selection process" made it more likely.
> 
> IDK enough to say if this is you, but some people are impressed by people who lie or are deceptive. Others are insecure around people who are as capable as they are, and pick people dumber or less ambitious.
> 
> Individual counseling can help if you think any of this is likely.


This is it. I am not attracted to liars, but my bar is very low. I guess I've thought it's easier to live up to (or surpass) the expectations of flawed guys, but I don't think I've felt betrayed or conned like this. I'm too humiliated to share this situation with others, so thank you all. I started seeing a therapist who told me that users are like predators, seeking out certain women. It's a fantasy world for some cheaters; and there's a reason why he isn't with any of these women he's met on dating websites. My therapist believes that if they knew the truth about him, they wouldn't be providing room and board and paying his bills. I just can't help thinking, "what's wrong with me that he feels he needs others?"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Users find people who are willing to be used.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Naivenomore said:


> This is it. I am not attracted to liars, but my bar is very low. I guess I've thought it's easier to live up to (or surpass) the expectations of flawed guys


 It is easier to win the prize no one wants. But don't sell yourself short.


> , but I don't think I've felt betrayed or conned like this. I'm too humiliated to share this situation with others, so thank you all.


It sounds like you've learned something and are fixing it. That is a lot to be proud of.


> I started seeing a therapist


Good.


> who told me that users are like predators, seeking out certain women. It's a fantasy world for some cheaters; and there's a reason why he isn't with any of these women he's met on dating websites. My therapist believes that if they knew the truth about him, they wouldn't be providing room and board and paying his bills. I just can't help thinking, "what's wrong with me that he feels he needs others?"


Do not use him to measure you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Naivenomore said:


> This is it. I am not attracted to liars, but my bar is very low. I guess I've thought it's easier to live up to (or surpass) the expectations of flawed guys, but I don't think I've felt betrayed or conned like this. I'm too humiliated to share this situation with others, so thank you all. I started seeing a therapist who told me that users are like predators, seeking out certain women. It's a fantasy world for some cheaters; and there's a reason why he isn't with any of these women he's met on dating websites. My therapist believes that if they knew the truth about him, they wouldn't be providing room and board and paying his bills. I just can't help thinking, "what's wrong with me that he feels he needs others?"


@Naivenomore there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are probably a warm, loving, intelligent attractive woman. He is a predator and a user who simply lived by a different set of standards to you. What man gives up a good paying job like that, are you sure he did actually have that job. he sounds like a regular con man. I would have a PI check him out just for the sake of it.


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