# Its really happening



## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

First post wish it could be a happier one.

Sitting surrounded by boxes full of my life. Two weeks ago my darling husband, the love of my life told me he no longer loved me. If that wasn't enough, in the hours that followed I found out that he has been having a EA with his childhood sweetheart, who had contacted him over Facebook when she discovered her mother had a terminal illness. They then used the excuse of her mother's funeral to make it a PA. I discovered this via a series of emails from her deranged abusive husband, each of which got stranger and stranger. My husband was going to leave without telling me about her (and her 3 year old daughter - my husband never wanted children, in fact hates them and has told this woman he in no way wants to be a father to the child, even though they plan to live together as soon as possible). My life has collapsed but I still can't hate him, in fact we spent the first week grieving together, crying together, providing hugs, even carried on sharing a bed as neither of us wanted to be alone, 

Then he went to visit her for the weekend, since then he has changed, he became a stranger, my gorgeous,caring, honest husband has become cold and unfeeling, he has flaunted his relationship with her - she rings/texts every 5 minutes. Arranged a life for her here - childminder etc, knowing I would find out. And has gone out of his way to be hurtful and cruel to me, the innocent party. He rushed me into finding a house, then after promising to support me (we live in the middle of nowhere and I don't drive), threw it back in my face calling me lazy and self centred for keeping him here. He accused me of not caring because I had been out having fun (avoiding coming home in truth) and he has listened to me on the phone and I sounded fine. He keeps telling how little he cares for me and hasn't for a long time (the amount of time, he claims to have not been in love with me keeps changing, getting longer and longer). All our family and friends are as much in shock as I am, however he claims he has 'friends' who are surprised he stayed this long, eventhough he won't tell me who these friends are. 

I can't have been that blind,I know things had been different later (since about the time she got in touch funnily enough) but no one could have been unhappy for as long as he claims he has been and no one notice could they?? 

I love him so much, have done since the first time I saw him and until recently we have been best friends as well as married. I will miss him so much, I miss him already and still see him everyday. I leave on Thursday and will never see him again, I have written him a good bye letter saying for now I will be waiting for him. 

Sorry it is so long, but I hurt so much


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Everantisocial,

He could have been unhappy for a while or more likely building up resentment on the inside. And he might have expressed this to you in vague and ambiguous ways. However, his changing the length of it has to do with his current cheating.

He is in a fantasy world right now. He is like a drug addict needing his next fix. In this world your marriage to him will be all that is wrong in his life, while this woman is all that is good and great. Try to ignore it the best that you can. And goodness I hate to break this to him but the child will there regardless of how she "feels" about him.

So go to the Coping with Infidelity section and read a lot of Affaircare and Tanelornpete's posts. Also suggest going to their website affaircare.com and also to marriagebuilders.com.

THere are steps for you to take and there is a "script" that you need to understand and be prepared to hear from him. And sadly as individual each situation is, the script is sometimes said verbatim. Its scary how that works.

I'm sorry you are going through this. There will be pain I cannot lie to you. There will be extreme ups and downs. All I can promise you is that you will come out on the other side stronger if you choose to work on you -- no matter what happens between you and your husband.

Peace.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

First off, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know the pain of being left by the love of your life.

My Husband told me the same thing about being unhappy for years when he left me, I never saw it. Turns out, it wasn't true. He also told me he didn't love me anymore. Not true either. These are just excuses. Excuses to make it easier on him and to make his actions rational. It's not your fault. Stay strong. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

If you need someone to talk to, message me. [[hugs]]


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I have spent the last 2 weeks hoping that this is all a bad dream and I will wake up. I can't imagine being without him. Even now with the way he has acted I can't hate him,because this person isn't my husband,I married him for his honesty and straight forwardness, there was not a false bone in his body and though he was loud and abrupt he had the biggest heart, but since being in contact with this woman he has become sly,devious and heartless. I want my husband back, not this stranger. Our families and friends, didn't see he was unhappy like he claims, his sister lived with us for 4 months and didn't see it,his brother is concerned about his behaviour as its out of character. But all he can see is this woman,


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Its the fog of the addiction. What he says is predictable from the script. So sorry. But remember knowledge is power so get reading on those web sites. Empower yourself. Stand up for yourself. Demand to be treated like you should be treated.

Peace.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

last day in my home with my husband, don't want to get out of bed


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

last night here, packing final stuff, he came into my room last night and was kind and initiated a hug, think he wanted company too. At the moment there is silence, what is there to say??

I HATE THIS!!!!


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## bleedingheart (Jun 3, 2010)

Honey , To me it seems like he's testing his boundries , to see how far he can really take this. He probably sees you as weak . If he means the things that he has said to you before , why does he keep trying to bond with you? If I were you I would take it all the way. Break the emotional attachment. Since he is so in love and bonded with her , let her be his only emotional support. I Think as long as he can continue to manipulate your emotions you wont be able to see this situation for what it really is, and how disrespectful and degrading he is being towards you. Best wishes on yur last night with him, and good luck on your new life with you.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

He was just talking about me moving and called me darling like he always has....it was a slip of the tongue 'if I was you darling,I would tell the removal men....' It is probably the last time he will ever call me that....my heart is breaking


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

It can't end like this. it can't. there must be more to come


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> It can't end like this. it can't. there must be more to come


The good news is that there IS more to come. More wonderful days, ones that will make you look back and wonder why you settled...


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

So its been a month since I've moved out, with no contact till this weekend. I miss him like crazy and would take him back in an instant but he is still with her.

He has carried on doing horrible things, he moved her in to our house hours after I left it and has been playing happy families in front of my neighbours/friends and flaunting his new relationship on the day I moved out. 

This weekend he stated sending me aggressive emails, accusing me of redirecting his mail and keeping it and trying to turn his family against him (neither of which I have done - because I want him back I have done everything his way). Yet still I don't hate him, even though this person is a stranger to me....this is not my husband who was loving and generous.

I think she set out to trap him, she was in an abusive marriage with a child and he has been her escape. Now looking back things he said made it clear that she searched him out...I think she chipped away at our marriage and he fell for it. He was in a rut at work and my career was taking off, we had moved out to then countryside away from friends and things to do. 

I hate feeling like this, I want it to stop. I want him to come back.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

All I wish for you is peace ever,

Live your present, don't expect him to come back just realize that he is gone. Time will help with the healing, I know that everybody says the same but it is true. I am very happy for you because you don't hate your husband and that will make the process even easier. Letting go with love is easier than letting go with anger and hatred. 

He is living with the other woman but you have to accept that. If he doesn't love you it's NOT your fault, we cannot make people love us. A relationship is not supposed to be forced, people have to love us for what we are not for what they want us to be. The way I see it after so many months of reflection is like this:

A spouse is supposed to be your best friend, your partner in crime, your other half. We have best friends for life right? we all have, and even if we fight or we don't agree with each other we unless there are particular circumstances we always love them and viceversa. We don't break up with them or stop loving them because in the end they accept us the way we are, and we accept the way they are. That's they reason we are best friends right?

Well, a marriage is like that when the friendship is no longer there, is time to move on, I believe I will find my best friend in the future you should too. 

Remember this quote:

"A marriage is like glass, sometimes it's better to leave it broken than hurting ourselves trying to put it back together."

Good luck and I will pray for you


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Is it wrong to hope that he will come back though....until she reappeared in his life we were doing OK, talking about buying a house etc. If I give up hope, then I have given up on our marriage and I don't want to do that.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I'm going through the same thing except my husbands EA has not left her husband, but he is determined to get divorced as quickly as possible. 

I thought our marriage was fine until he stated to talk to her. When their EA escalated to 2700 texts/calls in a month is when really checked out of the marriage and took his ring off. 

My husband changed too. I don't know this man anymore. He is lying, being sneaky, harsh and using cuss words, and being argumentative about every little thing. It now has become all my fault. He turns everything against me and everything I do or say always has fault. 

I know I deserve better but there is that small part of me that wishes he would change his mind and want to make it work.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Damn facebook.

My marriage counselor before we broke up asked, "What's facebook?"

I told her. . ."I know you are 65 years old but you had better investigate this. . .because you are in for a lot of broken marriages with blood on Facebook's hands."


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

It has hit me today....he had sex with someone else while we were married. He was able to be intimate with someone else knowing I was at home waiting for him to return. How could he do that? How can someone detach themselves like that and justify their behaviour? How could he talk about and plan his trip with me knowing what he planned to do. How could he get angry with me his loving wife when I got upset when he extended his trip,extended it to secretly be with her. I love/loved him so much how could he think so little of me? For the first time since it all came out over a month ago today I am haunted by pictures of them betraying me eventhough I have no idea what she looks like. Yet I still wait for a call from him and would take him back in an instant.....How could he do this to me?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Ever,
There’s stuff we have to go through when these sorts of things happen. We’ve done nothing to deserve it which makes it all the more painful and harder to get through.

I’m about 9 months out from separating. During that time I found I’ve been naturally developing “mantras”. My latest one is “I loved her for who she was, I couldn’t love who she became”. This lets me hold onto my good happy and joyful memories while at the same time accepting that my marriage is well and truly over. You are probably a long way off from acceptance but maybe it will help you.

Our life does change because of the behaviour of our partner, not because of our behaviour. It takes a while to recognise and accept that.

A mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that are considered capable of "creating transformation" (spiritual transformation). Their use and type varies according to the school and philosophy associated with the mantra.

Bob


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Today is a down day. I just really miss him. I don't care about her, or the horrible things he did, I just miss him. Not doing anything special, just him being there. I miss the sound of his voice. 

Most of the time I can get by. I am with friends, or out with the dog, or keeping myself busy. Its the quiet times that are the hardest, when you sit down at the end of a day and there is no one there there to share it with. Sometimes talking to the dog is just not the same. 

I have to get used to the being alone, not relying on him or anyone to be there, I can't keep going out all the time for coffee etc, people have lives and I have a limited budget. I'm going have to get used to the quiet.

But just for today I want him to offer to make me a cup of tea, to show me something interesting in the paper, to laugh at something stupid on the television. Today I just want him.


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## PaperStreet (Jul 30, 2010)

I am going through a similar situation. I found out my husband was having an affair and attempted to commit suicide after the reality of losing him. To make it more pleasant, while I was in the hospital recovering for two weeks, he moved this girl and her son, into our home.

At this point, a little more than a month into this ordeal, I do not ever want to see or speak to him again. I would not want any man in my life that would treat me like this or put me through this much pain. There is no excuse for it! Even if this woman has manipulated him or he is under the influence of anything, I would not want a man in my life who is capable of such cruelty.

Never Again!!! I'd rather be alone!!!


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

4mockingbird said:


> I'm going through the same thing except my husbands EA has not left her husband, but he is determined to get divorced as quickly as possible.
> 
> I thought our marriage was fine until he stated to talk to her. When their EA escalated to 2700 texts/calls in a month is when really checked out of the marriage and took his ring off.
> 
> ...


mockingbird-
he hates himself for what he has created. Because he has. The problem is, he put himself in a place that he doesn't want to be. He neither has her or you, and that's a ****ty place to be. Whatever you do, DO NOT blame yourself. It is not your fault. This man strayed and now he has to live with the consequences. He's a grenade to you and your livelihood. Just stay strong... and if I were you, I would not take him back. You mean more than just being the alternative to his master plan.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> Today is a down day. I just really miss him. I don't care about her, or the horrible things he did, I just miss him. Not doing anything special, just him being there. I miss the sound of his voice.
> 
> Most of the time I can get by. I am with friends, or out with the dog, or keeping myself busy. Its the quiet times that are the hardest, when you sit down at the end of a day and there is no one there there to share it with. Sometimes talking to the dog is just not the same.
> 
> ...


So I think you are going through the 7 stages of grief, and right now you are in the shock and denial stage. Shock and denial is a stage where it doesnt feel real, an one where we dont see how betrayed we were. I think you should do a search on the 7 stages of grief, it will help you understand what you are going through. 

How long were you married? Anyhow this POS has betrayed you big time I think it is time for no more MRS nice girl, start acting in your best intrests and really who cares how he feels about it.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Its just the weekend that's all, been busy all week and not really felt sorry for myself or my situation, but the weekend is long when there is no one there to share it with. 

I know I shouldn't want him after what he did but he is/was my husband and when I married him I meant my vows. I know that he has forgotten or chosen to reject them but I meant every word of them. I am moving on, I am not planning my life around him coming back, in fact in the less than 2 months since it happened I have made big changes that will improve my life. I have started to learn to drive, started taking daily exercise, started a dance class, begun volunteer work for a charity, reconnected with lots of old friends, made some new ones, been offered a new business venture and managed to get a major promotion at work while all the madness was going on, in less than 2 months I think I have achieved quite a lot. I am also moving on in my thoughts about him, I have gone from begging him to stay to cutting all contact with him and his family. At the start I would have leap at the chance to pick up where we left off like nothing had happened. Now if he did come back I think it would take a lot of negotiation and be on my terms, I am sure I will come to the point where I wouldn't even consider taking him back but I'm not there yet. 

But that doesn't mean I don't miss him, a song,a film just seeing something that I know he would have found funny makes me ache. I know it is my husband I miss not the person he became but it doesn't make that ache easier. I nearly started crying in a shop the other day because a stupid cliched song came on, one that I would have laughed at before and the lyrics just hit me, on one hand I felt so stupid for letting it get to me, but part of me just wanted to howl right there in the middle of the shop,but I didn't I kept it in and carried on. 

The sensible side of me knows I will get through this and my friends and family are amazed how well I have coped. But I do miss him and what we had. I know HAD is the important word there, that it is gone and in the past but it was good and that is what I miss. It seems so unfair that I have lost everything when I did nothing wrong. He has gone from me to her, he doesn't have to live alone, he isn't feeling empty, he isn't aching inside, he has someone to hold him. See the anger is there, but sometimes I just miss him.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I think this has been the hardest 2 days since I moved out. Have spent most of my time crying or close to crying. Think the reality of it has hit me, while I am here with him constantly on my mind and my heart breaking, he probably isn't giving me a second thought. All he will be thinking about is her. I think deep down I thought he would have made contact by now, would have missed just talking to me. But the contact we have had has been him sending me accusatory emails and a pointless text about the dogs boosters being due. When you went to her, you gave up me and the dog, his health has nothing to do with you!! Even when it was all breaking down we could still talk and make each other laugh - we still had a bond. Maybe I thought that bond would be harder to break. I don't just miss him, I miss everything about being with him, I miss his family, I miss our life. 

Why is it so hard on the people who don't deserve it?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> I think this has been the hardest 2 days since I moved out. Have spent most of my time crying or close to crying. Think the reality of it has hit me, while I am here with him constantly on my mind and my heart breaking, he probably isn't giving me a second thought. All he will be thinking about is her. I think deep down I thought he would have made contact by now, would have missed just talking to me. But the contact we have had has been him sending me accusatory emails and a pointless text about the dogs boosters being due. When you went to her, you gave up me and the dog, his health has nothing to do with you!! Even when it was all breaking down we could still talk and make each other laugh - we still had a bond. Maybe I thought that bond would be harder to break. I don't just miss him, I miss everything about being with him, I miss his family, I miss our life.
> 
> Why is it so hard on the people who don't deserve it?


You are doing very well, time will heal your wounds. It hurts the ones who dont deserve it because most of the time we dont see it comming.

My hope for my stbx is that someone will rip her heart out like she did to me.


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## PaperStreet (Jul 30, 2010)

Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief

Thought I would share this with you. It helped me.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

PaperStreet said:


> Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief
> 
> Thought I would share this with you. It helped me.


Thank you PaperStreet. That was actually really helpful. I feel like I go through 1 of the 5 at different times of the day. Currently my emotions are getting the best of me. (PMS) so reading this really helps to put all of that in perspective. Thank you for sharing.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Think I have hit the grief stage....I have become paralyzed by the sadness and waste of it all. All I want to do is stay in bed and doze and cry. Have made a deal with myself that I have to do my chore list each day before I can go back to bed. 

The only way I can get myself out of bed in the morning is to say to myself, well this might be the day he gets in touch. I can feel myself slipping away and all that is left is the gap he has left in my life. I know I have to wait it out but all I want is him back.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> Think I have hit the grief stage....I have become paralyzed by the sadness and waste of it all. All I want to do is stay in bed and doze and cry. Have made a deal with myself that I have to do my chore list each day before I can go back to bed.
> 
> The only way I can get myself out of bed in the morning is to say to myself, well this might be the day he gets in touch. I can feel myself slipping away and all that is left is the gap he has left in my life. I know I have to wait it out but all I want is him back.



I know what you're going through as I am going through the exact same feelings the last couple days. I just don't want to get out of bed and when I don't have to I don't, or I simply move it to the couch and sleep there. But I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me is a pale faced stranger. A girl I've never seen before, because the sadness and unusual depression have taken over. My life will never be what it was and I want so desperately to get it back. 

However, after talking to those around me, I always seem to feel better. Because he truly is the bad guy, and was more emotionally abusive than I ever realized. The sadness that sometimes hits me now, is not that he no longer wants to be with me, it's that I don't understand why I want to be with him. 

Keep yourself busy, it passes the time, not painlessly of course, but functioning within a group or even by yourself will help. If you don't have a job, get one. If you have lots of extra time, volunteer. Stay active. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black, but I always feel better at work, when I'm out of our house, and away from anything that reminds me of him.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

It hit me this morning he is a coward. He acts like some sort of action man, but never follows things through. He does the easy bit, buys the equipment, reads the magazines, but never sees anything through. He did it with climbing, fishing, rally driving....talked big but never followed through. He has done the same with our marriage, talked big about love and commitment, but only did the easy bit....as soon as it got tough and needed work and effort,he bailed. He didn't even have the nerve to do it on his own....he made sure he had a safety net....he went from me to her.....he didn't have the guts to talk to me about how he was feeling, he even let me find out about her from her husband...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Now you’re rationalising, which is good. First of all the powerful emotions take us over, take a hold on us and when they begin to settle down we begin to rationalise, to try and make sense of it all. With separation, time and distance we gain a whole new perspective and begin, perhaps for the very first time, to see things in our partner that we’ve never seen been before or have for one reason or another begun to accept the “reality”. It’s a time of enlightenment and it’s the beginning of Acceptance. But even acceptance is a loop we go in and out of a few times.

Bob


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> He has done the same with our marriage, talked big about love and commitment, but only did the easy bit....as soon as it got tough and needed work and effort,he bailed. He didn't even have the nerve to do it on his own....he made sure he had a safety net....he went from me to her....


My dear, he will probably repeat this pattern in his life. It's unfortunate that this happened to you, but this man is more than likely going to continue this cycle. When things get tough with her and the kid (and trust me they will) he'll bail out just the same. My STBX is the same way. Things got to be challenging, we were having to deal with real adult situations, he broke down and is now bailing out. Yet, I'm having to continue on keeping a roof over his head. It's unfortunate, but the streets is no place for him. Besides I know he'd just come to me looking for forgiveness that would be fake, because he'd have no where else to go, then we'd live our lives in resentment for a while and it would start all over.
Your husband is much like mine, he cycles through phases and he's very exaggerated in his intentions, and really doesn't think things through. The selfishness of them is completely unacceptable, especially with all we've given over the years.

I wish you the best of luck as I am soon to enter the phase in which you are in. However you've known about your husbands infidelity I believe my husband has been so good at keeping it a secret that I'll never find out. (I have a sneaking suspicion it might even be with another man). To be quite honest I wish he could just get out already. I'm sick of looking at him. He could stand to be a little more debonair and appreciate that I haven't thrown him out.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I know I'm sounding like I am moving on but it doesn't really feel like it. Even though I am now taking him down from his pedestal and acknowledging his faults, I still want him to come back and try again. I hope everytime I turn the corner into my street that his car will be parked outside, but at least I've stopped checking my phone every 30 seconds. Do these people realise what they put us through, when all that it needed was to voice their concerns before things get too far. We had hundreds of opportunities every day where he could have said 'you know I'm not as happy as I used to be'....but no, they let it get to the stage where somebody's life is shattered. I still wake every day thinking today could be the day he gets in touch, I really wish he would.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

The ups and downs keep coming...

Know it stupid but when we split he tried to convince me that I was unfit to keep the dog..well went to the vet today for his boosters and he is at his peak of fitness and in great condition...must admit my first thought was HA! SC**W YOU!!

Then this morning I have woken up from a dream where we were together and for a split second I forgot what had happened and then it came flooding back....

AAaaaarrgh


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## gpawel (Aug 12, 2010)

everantisocial,
a break up is a "small" death, may be even worse - you still can see, hear that person some time.
I was going through it once.
I remember how hurts is it.

As I know, there are only 2 things that may help to cool your pain:
1. Time. 
Pain becomes less and less. Slowly.
To get rid of pain try to "turn off" your mind for 1-2 minutes. Just try do not think. Look at yourself from a side and if there any thoughts, just let them go. do not judge them. Just be a spectator, a side viewer of yourself and your thoughts. 
That technique helps to cool the pain. Some times you will feel recovered for 1-2 hours. Then pain comes back. Well, just repeat the technique.

2. Relationship
I know it is may be not easy, but still it helps to switch your mind from pain - get a boyfriend. Just for some time. if it goes beyond "short time", well, it is ok.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Nowhere near even considering a new relationship yet. I have vowed to myself that I not going to think of getting into a relationship until I can say for certain that if my husband came back I wouldn't drop everything to try again. It wouldn't be far to anyone else to only have half my emotional attention.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Everantisocial,
It is a tough place to be. But my feelings are different to your feelings. I truly loved my woman not saying you don’t love your man.

No way my woman comes back into my life far far too painful for me.

Bob


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Still finding this all so hard. Constantly weighed down by this overwhelming sadness. I'm doing all the things I should be doing, no contact, new hobbies, seeing friends, keeping busy but really I would rather just be curled up in the fetal position in bed, curtains drawn. I am just so tired of it all, tired of feeling this ache, tired of wanted him to come back and having my hopes dashed every day, tired of playing out scenarios in my head, tired of trying to make predictions about the future.

The hardest part is I still want him back, after everything, I still miss him. I hate the fact we are not going to have anymore new experiences together. I hate the fact that all the little customs we used to have he is now going to have with someone else. I hate not being part of his family. And none of the new things I'm doing now is making up for that.

Getting through each day is getting harder not easier. I want to scream and shout at people in the street 'How can you carry on with your lives when mine is over'. My brother has come to stay and though I love him dearly I resent him being here because it takes me away from my sadness. 

I just want him to come back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your life is not over.

Although I do not expect you to see it now, you _will_ be happy again.

Keep doing what you are doing.

Write about him. Every. Single. Day. Acknowledge your emotions. But then take a realistic look at the choices he made. Eventually there is going to come a day when you simply have nothing left to say.

There will come a time when the pain goes from being present, to an occasional twinge. Then, to a dull memory. You will admire yourself for your own inner strength and recognizing that although your emotions help define you - they do not rule you. 

You will see that giving this person the power to assure that your 'life is over' is extremely self-limiting, and they do not deserve it.

You WILL move on. Now go do some moving.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Had another email today asking/accusing me of taking his mail. This is totally unnecessary because:

1. I moved out over a month ago....I'm in a different town
2. He has emailed me once about this a few weeks ago and I have already told him I wasn't
3. He has acknowledged he has received the mail I have received by mistake and forwarded (why would I forward some and keep some)
4. He knows I'm not that kind of person and have done nothing spiteful throughout this split because I want him back

So why the need for another mail. Think it was the tone that hurt most, like it was completely normal. He says at the end well I'll have to go to the post office and sort it out.....why not do that before contacting me again and upsetting me?


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

What a great start to the weekend.

I'm ill for the first time since I have lived alone. I feel like crap and there is no one here to take care of me. Eventhough I just want to go to bed I have to walk the dog that was meant to be a joint responsibility and go to the shops to get cat food. 

On top of this I get home, flop onto the sofa only to find my inbox full of emails from the OW's insane husband....just what I needed. Apparently he felt the need to update me on what they are doing. Deleted them without reading them. Then broke my non contact rule to email my husband to say 'make the emails stop'. Just got a reply. Which set me off crying. 
Also last night I got a missed call from I presume my MIL (deleted all numbers to do with him or his family so not sure who it is). Then a text saying she had rung to see how the dog was. Thanks for that, can see where your son got his caring compassionate nature from!

At the moment I hate my life!!!!


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Some advice please...

So its been 3 months since his announcement and 2 since I moved out. I'm surviving, can't say I'm enjoying it but I'm getting by. I have OK days and bad days, not really reached the good days yet. But life is starting to have some sort of normality. I still miss him like crazy but there you go.

When he left I said I wanted no contact with him while he was still with her. As you can see from my thread I also cut all contact with his family, wiped all numbers and email addresses so I had no temptation. If I get an email from my mother in law or sister in law they get a polite but generic answer because though I still care for them deeply, I don't want my ex to have any knowledge of my life now. He gave up the right.

Anyway on to why I need advice. As I said above, last week when I was feeling really low I got a missed call on my mobile and then a text asking about the dog. I thought it was my mother in law and was angry at her heartlessness. Turns out it is my ex on a new mobile number. I only know because he texted me again today for a stupid reason. 

Why would he start getting in touch for idiot reasons! Of course the dog is fine, what does he think I am doing. What if I had answered the phone not realizing it was him, I would have been a wreck......what was he thinking!!!! Only replied to the damn text because I didn't know it was him, glad the answer was non committal now, what if I had said more thinking it was my MIL!!!

And today he texted me to tell me he had renewed my Costco membership....WHO CARES....like thats what I've been laying awake crying about!!!! I didn't ask him to and I definitely didn't ask him to tell me about it!

WHAT IS HE THINKING!!!!


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Hi Ever,

I just finished reading your posts, and feel like I've been on the rollercoaster with you! I'd like to know if you're seeing a counsellor? If not, you really should. A counsellor should help you process all the ebbing and flowing emotions you're experiencing. 

Your husband is going into this whole thing completely blind, and now he's texting you to tell you mundane things - and there could be any number of reasons for that behaviour, most of which are unhealthy to entertain. 

Your focus must be on you now and your recovery. I've experienced deaths in my close family, and left my husband, and I can unequivocally state that the grief of a broken marriage is actually worse, lingering, and more damaging. That's why I'm asking about counselling. 

As for why he is doing these things - who can get inside his head and make any logic of his thoughts or actions? You need to think about your own future now.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Another day another text, this time he wants to bring some stuff round of mine, not sure what it is or why if its that important its taken him 2 months to find....

Some no contact....thats 1 call and 3 texts in a week..


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

everantisocial~

You were very clear and set a boundary that you wanted NO CONTACT as long as he was with the Other Woman. I'm sure the first couple weeks after you moved out he thought something like "Woohoo I'm free to do whatever I want!" and like a frat boy, proceeded to party hardy! Now the hangover is setting in. I actually have a fairly good article about this on my site, called "What is Going on in AffairLand?"

So now little, tiny bits of him are starting to realize that AffairLand isn't all it was cracked up to be, and he's decided to test your boundary. He kind of misses some of the things that you did provide him, so most likely his thought is to see if he can gradually break down that boundary and have some cake and eat it too! Furthermore, if you ARE in his life, he can always blame you for his misery--and make no mistake, he thought he was going to be "happy" and he's not!--but when you are NOT in his life, he has no one but himself or the OW!! 

Thus my suggestion would be to memorize this phrase: 

_"Have you decided to leave the Other Woman and honor your promise to give me 100% of your affection and loyalty? You haven't? Please don't contact me again until you have."_ 

If there are things in his possession that he thinks are yours, he can drop them off to your work at the receptionist. He does not need to come to your house or see you. If you haven't needed them all this time, ask him to rent you a storage unit and mail the key to your office...or let him donate them to charity! And when he does these baloney contacts, say the phrase and that's all. If you need to, block him on your cell. 

You can do it, everantisocial. Breathe in--breathe out.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

His first text I only answered because I didn't recognise his new mobile number, his second I ignored. This last one I sent a text saying I couldn't think of anything important that he might still have if he did he is welcome to leave them at my house while I am at work (I gave him the hours I would be away from home), as there is a dry, secure shed in the shared yard. 

I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he might be in contact again,I thought he might ask to see the dog. Now every time my phone goes or there is a message in my inbox my stomach turns.


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

ever what u have posted i think uve described me mine didnt cheat but what u felt the wanting him back etc i too think this way sometimes but then i think to myself why i left him...

my STBXH texted and phoned at odd hours 2 am 3 am only coz he was drunk but he too changed his mumber and i dont bother reading them just delete


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

I'm in the same boat as you and I agree with what Feelingalone said. I am currently going through a divorce and my wife did nearly the same identical thing as your husband. It has shattered my world. It has been 5 months since she left and filed divorce. She has become so uncaring and nasty that I do not know the woman she has become. I have finally come to the point of my heart hardening toward her and I cannot even stomach the thought of looking at her. She had nothing when we met and I was responsible for building her credit, furnishing our home, building our home and now I have nothing. She has taken it and it seems she has taken everything I worked for to include my family with no guilt or remorse. I know and sense her and the OM have plans for taking everything. She is so wicked. I was closer to her family than my own and they even turned on me and took the OM in like a long lost son. They are also trying to keep my son from me and turn him against me. You will come to the point that your heart will become hard toward him and anger and resentment will set in. I fight the thought of hateing her every day now and what she has become and trying to take from me. Whether or not they every feel remorse, guilt, or regret for what they do is unknown and you will probably never know. But rest assured that if you are religious and have faith in GOD, he will help get you through. In the end, GOD will be their judge. I wouldn't want to be them. You are a bigger and better person than him.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Well its been a week and that really important bag of stuff hasn't appeared yet!!!


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

So...

was at a late meeting at work tonight when I got a text telling me he had dropped the bag of stuff around and was the dog OK because he was barking and only calmed down when he called to him....

So, this means you called unannounced at my home at a time I asked you not too. Luckily I was out, I had asked he drop the stuff around if it was important when I was at work, it was only by chance I wasn't in. You disturb the dog, which is why he was barking,not because I am neglecting him and then upset him even more by shouting at him.....

Can't help but feel the text was a effort to make me justify why I was out. Unfortunately it wasn't anything exciting.

When I got the bag from the shed, its just a load of rubbish, bits and pieces that could have been thrown out.....finished cheque book, old lanyard, a stupid toy got from secret santa...stuff like that. 

Definitely sending the respect my wish for no contact text tomorrow!!!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I am trying to figure my husbands actions and im baffled... have you ladies been told that he needs a break or to seaprate? I flat out got "its over" and I want a divorce. I am really not sure how to take it...Do you want a while, do you fight back,if you fight for it has it worked? reading all these posts helps me feel I am not the only one out there but its seriously a horrible dream.

Everantisocial.... are you guys seeking counseling? how is he handling that?


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

No he is with someone else.....he moved her in hours after I moved out of our home....which makes the calls and texts even more unsettling. 

But I've had nothing since I sent him the no contact text. which now has me wondering if I made the right decision in telling him not to contact me....is some contact better than nothing? My head tells me I need to stop giving him the power to control my life, my heart says....at least he was still getting in touch.....


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

It would have been our 5th Wedding Anniversary this coming Sunday. Am allowing myself a day of not coping....have told people I am off radar so I don't need to have the I'm fine conversations, going to have a long walk with the pup, then have a bottle of wine and a pile of Tim Burton films....and if I want to cry I will.

Then back to being strong on Monday.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Sorry this is happening to you yet looking forward to the day when you say "I'm so glad it happened because THIS is my life now"


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Ever - just wanted to say that I read your posts and can really understand what you are feeling, all the stuff about emotions that you're describing are the exact same what I have been feeling too since my husband said he wanted a separation. I am going to try and do the things that you say about 'working on myself' and trying to do positive things for myself, I think you are right about that. Just wanted to say, you aren't alone in your feelings...


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Finding each day is getting harder as it gets closer to Christmas. We always made Christmas a big deal and had his family to us. Now I'm just imagining how she has taken my place and it'll be like i was never there. Feel like I've taken 20 steps back and I'm back at the 'what if' stage. But most of all I'm just tired, even the most every day action seems to need more effort than I can muster. Just want to curl up and stay in bed, but I'm trying to stick to plans and make an effort.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

You are NOT alone in how you are feeling. Everyone here has felt it and we all know the despair. This is a really tough time of year, everyone has traditions and memories and the shock of a marriage ending just brings it all to light. I cried my way through the toy store yesterday remembering all the times that me and my H used to get excited for a nice dinner out and then buy the kids all of their presents at once together. We would look at all the great stuff and throw everything in the cart we could get our hands on. I did it by myself yesterday and that just triggered a whole sh*tload of emotions. Please just try to hang in there, get this holiday over with and lean on those who are there for you. I don't believe it yet either, but my friends say that we will see the light and new traditions will start. Until then, hang in there.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Well, got through the day, its been quiet and lazy not the type of Christmas I've been used to but its passed quickly and now its done. I am determined that next years Christmas won't be like this one.

But the hardest thing is that deep down I thought he might get in touch today, if not him then one of his family, a family I have spent my last 6 Christmas' with. Right up until the last moment I hoped....but nothing.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

hope...it's fleeting isn't it? My wife was here this morning, I invited her to stay the day and she left...why would she leave to an empty apartment (there is no-one else, I know that) when she has two boys and me here that love her?


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Nothing again today from any of them...i guess thats it...even his family have given up on me.

Now all I can do is wait for the divorce papers to arrive, he promised he would wait till after Christmas to start the process.

Some New Year this is going to be ...


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Haven't heard from him since early Nov, when I asked him not to contact me. Got a card from his mum at Christmas but the rest of his family have dropped me.

I still miss everything about him, its a physical ache but its not ruling my life, I'm getting by. Work is busy, I walk the dog a lot. I go to a dance class. But he has started to get into my dreams. Nearly every night I play out scenes where he cruel to me either in front of others or just replaying the sort of stuff I went through at the break up. I wake up with a cloud hanging over me. 6 months on I still find it all so draining.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

really confused and mixed up at the moment...

2 people I know that were left by the partners around the same time I was are already seeing new people,yet I feel so far away from being even ready to think about someone else. At the moment I can't even think of anyone replacing my ex and anyway I'm not prepared to see anyone while I know that if my ex turned up on the door step I would take him back immediately...it wouldn't be fair to anyone to try and live up to a fantasy and be second best. How come they are already healthy enough to date again and 7 months on thinking about him still has the ability to make me cry?

The other thing that is making me crazy is that I was talking to some friends at work and we were talking about the fact my ex said he would send divorce papers in the new year, I know it's petty but I have been thinking I want him to admit he committed adultery and with who (I presume you do that) rather than him get away with saying it was a mutual decision...I know it won't change things but it would make me feel he has acknowledged his part in this. Anyway, my friend said people had been talking, and everyone was amazed by how well I had coped with the whole situation and that if there was an award for coping with separation I deserved it...yet I feel like I am just about keeping my head above water. I am get by day by day, but I'm not enjoying life, I miss him every moment of every day...I miss my old life with him. I am far from coping,I'm surviving...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

coping and surviving can be one and the same, getting by day by day is coping...moving forward is the tough part, letting go and building a new life is more than coping...

You can do it...it's just hard letting go!


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Do you go out much?


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I work full time, walk my dog 2/3 times a day, go to dance class once a week, just joined a craft group that meets once a month, must admit I probably don't go out socially to pubs as much as I could 2, 3 times a month but I am finding that kind of situation really hard at the moment, not done it on my own for a long time and now I'm relying on one income I don't have the cash to on nights out.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> really confused and mixed up at the moment...
> 
> 2 people I know that were left by the partners around the same time I was are already seeing new people,yet I feel so far away from being even ready to think about someone else. At the moment I can't even think of anyone replacing my ex and anyway I'm not prepared to see anyone while I know that if my ex turned up on the door step I would take him back immediately...it wouldn't be fair to anyone to try and live up to a fantasy and be second best. How come they are already healthy enough to date again and 7 months on thinking about him still has the ability to make me cry?


You've answered your own question. Until you are at the point where you'd NEVER take your husband back and are content and comfortable being alone you can't possibly be in a position to share your heart and trust someone else. It wouldn't be fair to you or the person you were to get involved in. IMO far too many people rush from a broken relationship into a new one and then wonder why it's not the band aid and cure-all they thought it was be. The WORST advice given to you here is to "get a boyfriend". It's obvious that you aren't even close to getting to that point yet and you might never get there, which is not necessarily a bad thing. 

Rebound relationships don't tend to work out. I started dating my husband too soon after breaking up with a man who I was engaged to marry six weeks before our wedding. I knew it was too soon and my husband did too but he desperately wanted me (we were friends for 9 years) and I was desperate to turn our friendship into the type of relationship I missed.

It was a decision that I came to regret and has cast a long shadow on our marriage. I often regretted not waiting until I felt "whole" and comfortable in my own skin, at being able to like being with myself, instead of running to another person. Over the years I've often wondered "What if" with regards to staying single. The single life seems to suit me in so many ways but I was so desperate at one point to be with someone else because I was so messed up within myself. You have to be a whole person and liking yourself before you can give to another person. 

Your husband has cursed himself by jumping from you to another relationship right away. I think he's at the point where he's starting to realize that the new relationship isn't perfect either and may be remembering the good times you had in your marriage..hence the texts and the dropping by to give you your old stuff. You are doing well to avoid him. Only when you can heal and he is ready to repent can you even consider taking him back and I wouldn't go near him until you go to counseling either alone and/or with him. Please look into counseling if you haven't already. 

With your husband, you need to stand back and call the shots. I see you are starting to get there. As I read this thread you seem to be evolving into a much stronger person with regards to accepting and dealing with your husband. My heart goes out to you. You were married to this man for 2/3 of your life and he betrayed you in the worst possible way. You seem to be doing well, all things considered. 

I hope you have followed through on learning to drive. In this day and age I can't imagine not driving. You've used some terms which lead me to believe you live in Great Britain, so maybe things are different there because here in the U.S. everyone drives. It's not just your car, it's your freedom.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Still plugging away at the driving lessons, at the moment getting my license seems a long way off...I've lived in a big city all my adult life, so there was always public transport and my ex was a real petrol head so did all the driving and I got by, never really wanted to drive..partly doing it now because my ex never believed I would pass my test and I can't wait to be able to put the dog in the back of the car and take off somewhere whenever I want.

I still haven't heard anything from him, since I asked for no contact, actually have no idea where he living at the moment, whether he has moved across country or not. My gut feeling is that like everything else he has done he probably hasn't followed through on moving away and is in the house we shared with her. If he has moved he owes me cash that I can put towards a car...but would rather do without the cash than contact him. Had expected the divorce papers to appear by now, he said he would wait till after christmas but we are nearly into February....going on his recent behaviour he'll probably wait till valentine's day or my birthday to deliver them...


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> First post wish it could be a happier one.
> 
> Sitting surrounded by boxes full of my life. Two weeks ago my darling husband, the love of my life told me he no longer loved me. If that wasn't enough, in the hours that followed I found out that he has been having a EA with his childhood sweetheart, who had contacted him over Facebook when she discovered her mother had a terminal illness. They then used the excuse of her mother's funeral to make it a PA. I discovered this via a series of emails from her deranged abusive husband, each of which got stranger and stranger. My husband was going to leave without telling me about her (and her 3 year old daughter - my husband never wanted children, in fact hates them and has told this woman he in no way wants to be a father to the child, even though they plan to live together as soon as possible). My life has collapsed but I still can't hate him, in fact we spent the first week grieving together, crying together, providing hugs, even carried on sharing a bed as neither of us wanted to be alone,
> 
> ...


Im Sorry I feel for you Im going through the same thing


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

stupid,stupid, stupid, how can he still provoke this reaction in me. 

He has just been to the house again, this time to put an envelope through the door with 2 old photos and a pen in it....

This time I was in when he dropped by,I heard the dog bark but didn't hear a knock...and now I feel crap again, to know he was that close, kinda confirms my theory that is still in the area and has bailed on moving away.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

OK it gets stranger...along with my old photos and the pen there is a small photo in a frame of a child on a beach, I have no idea who this child is....but....if you can be bothered to read back you'd find out that his new woman has a little girl....

He wouldn't would he? That would just be too cruel!!!


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

His latest visit has set me back again.....

This time it's not what ifs or anger or bargaining, just a great sadness. Memories of happy times keep popping into my head and hitting me like a wave.

I presuming as he dropped the envelope off himself that he hasn't moved like he said he would. So now I have the worry again that I might run into them. I don't think I could deal with seeing him or them. 

Then as if the universe was playing a huge joke on me, yesterday I got a letter of his redirected to me by mistake and he hasn't changed his name. We took each others names when we got married and I presumed by now he would have dropped mine but it seems he hasn't...don't know why that has affected me but it has.


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