# My GF is still active on dating sites



## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I've come here for advice as I'm not sure how to proceed?
My girlfriend and I have dated for about a year and a half and we had a breakup over the summer. We got back together in September to give it another try. We have been exclusive since. It has been great the last several months overall.
However, 2 days ago, my "guy" friend (who is single) told me he saw my GF on 2 dating sites and screenshot them and sent them to me. I couldn't believe it and last night he came by to show me that she was active/online on Match and also on Tinder.

I feel betrayed and dissapointed would be an understatement.

Another friend of mine said maybe she forgot to cancel them. But I am wondering why one says "active/online" which now says logged on in the last 24 hrs and also still on Tinder. I heard on Match that you may not be actively on the Match website but if you open their emails they send you, it'll show active.

This still sounds wrong to me. The thing is, we have been together quite often so I don't think she is seeing anyone behind my back. It could be attention seeking. Or worse, looking to find someone better than me in case we break up again. And yes, she can be insecure often.

I don't want to come across "needy" and smothering.

I know talking to her to find out why is important. But even if she "deletes" it, I feel it's because it's what I wanted, not her.

Any advice is welcome!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This is easy.

Dump her.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Move on. You dump her and just move on brother


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why did you break up originally,was she cheating.
Because she’s cheating now.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I don't want to come across "needy" and smothering.
> 
> I know talking to her to find out why is important. But even if she "deletes" it, I feel it's because it's what I wanted, not her.
> 
> Any advice is welcome!


First thing I noticed is that you find out that your long-term exclusive girlfriend is still active on dating sites and you're worried about coming across as smothering. Of course I know almost nothing about your relationship, but that is a big red flag that you are too passive and are afraid of losing this girlfriend. Since you've started dating her, did you often have the feeling that she just doesn't seem that crazy about you? Why did you two breakup for awhile earlier this year?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Why did you break up originally,was she cheating.
> Because she’s cheating now.


I think that it is possible that she is not cheating at the moment, but instead waiting to see if somebody more attractive [to her]comes along.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I only mentioned smothering because believe it or not, there are some websites discussing this and the advice they give is that people in my situation could come across as controlling and has trust issues. That's only why I brought it up. But personally, the article made no sense to ME painting someone in my shoes as controlling and smothering.

We broke up because we had many arguments and misunderstandings. kind of the Mars vs Venus variety. So we got back together and went to counseling to work on this. But I feel she's worried I will break up with her again which is why she is on these sites. But it still doesn't excuse her choices/ decision.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Open a account on each with some other handsome dudes face. Send her a message. Exchange a new Google voice number with her. When she gives out her digits call her and ask her why if she is telling you that you both are exclusive but she is sneaking around on Tinder - a straight up hook up site? When she stumbles mid sentence hang up and block her. 

Dump her dude. A complete waste of your time. Just send her screenshots of her profile with the green light active then tell her to f off.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I only mentioned smothering because believe it or not, there are some websites discussing this and the advice they give is that people in my situation could come across as controlling and has trust issues. That's only why I brought it up. But personally, the article made no sense to ME painting someone in my shoes as controlling and smothering.
> 
> We broke up because we had many arguments and misunderstandings. kind of the Mars vs Venus variety. So we got back together and went to counseling to work on this. But I feel she's worried I will break up with her again which is why she is on these sites. But it still doesn't excuse her choices/ decision.


Does she have enough free time to meet other men from those dating sites? Do you see her every night?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

In my view, being on dating sites is a form of cheating. Either she's all in or she's not. If she says she's all in, but she is still on dating sites, she is lying as her words and actions don't match. 

I recommend you break up with her. Character issues run deep and strong. It's better to tell her that you are breaking up with her and briefly state that you found out she is active on dating sites and that is a permanent deal breaker for you.

No smothering. No whining. No trying to get her to change. She is simply not who you thought she was. You don't trust liars and you are moving forward to find a healthy relationship.

Also, imo, if you have to go to counseling to learn how to get along with your girlfriend, something is seriously wrong with the relationship to begin with. Let her go and move on to green pastures.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Open a account on each with some other handsome dudes face. Send her a message.


I did that once and within 24 hours, I knew that I had a girlfriend that needed to be dumped.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I'm thinking of either creating a fake profile or asking my friend to contact her thru the sites. But some would say that's manipulative and wrong.
This sucks, because when we got back together we told our kids and they were all excited about it.
This is really triggering me because my exwf had an online emotionally affair that led to a full blown affair in person and our marriage ended because of it.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You could just ask for her phone and open the apps to read her current messages.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I remember when we first got back together that she flipped out when she learned I had made a friend (woman) while we were broken up (the breakup lasted 6 weeks). This other woman and I were just friends. We never kissed or anything. When my gf and I got back together she demanded I stop talking to this other woman so I did because it only made sense. Now several months later, I find that she's a hypocrite.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MikeinTexas said:


> I'm thinking of either creating a fake profile or asking my friend to contact her thru the sites. But some would say that's manipulative and wrong.
> This sucks, because when we got back together we told our kids and they were all excited about it.
> This is really triggering me because my exwf had an online emotionally affair that led to a full blown affair in person and our marriage ended because of it.


It is not manipulative or wrong to protect your own interests. Instead of a fake account, simple ask her if it is ok to date other people. You are interested in meeting someone you found on Match. See what she says.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I'm thinking of either creating a fake profile or asking my friend to contact her thru the sites. But some would say that's manipulative and wrong.
> This sucks, because when we got back together we told our kids and they were all excited about it.
> This is really triggering me because my exwf had an online emotionally affair that led to a full blown affair in person and our marriage ended because of it.


That's unfortunate that you have kids together and that makes this decision much more difficult. "Manipulative and wrong" does not apply to your situation. Passivity and letting your girlfriend disrespect you is a self-defeating way of looking at this. Having active dating sites means that she's trying to determine how long she will settle for you. Stand up for yourself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I remember when we first got back together that she flipped out when she learned I had made a friend (woman) while we were broken up (the breakup lasted 6 weeks). This other woman and I were just friends. We never kissed or anything. When my gf and I got back together she demanded I stop talking to this other woman so I did because it only made sense. Now several months later, I find that she's a hypocrite.


sounds like a cake eater...someone who wants their significant not exclusive to them but wants to be open to playing the field.

why go through all that time and energy making up a profile...stop this silliness...women hate weak men...i would drive home, send her the images, call her a hypocrite and a cheater and tell her goodbye...sweet and simple, then step back and watch the fireworks....i mean it...let her come begging and pleading to you...let her explain herself. and if she can't then move on...mike if you are texas then texas men don't play that game.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

So she has either always had the accounts, opened them while separated or opened after separation. Only one is legit but me thinks she blame shifted you with her own behavior by accusing you of hooking up. 

You have children together so she is always going to be part of your as the mother forever. 

But she is treating you like plan B now and that is unacceptable. She has those accounts and is active because she waiting for a better offer. Or just wants some strange on the side. Or needs validation by flirting with other men. You need to call her on it and go your separate ways. If you let her get away with this now she will probably hide it better in the future and you will spend the rest of your time with her always wondering if she is sneaking around. That is no way to live. 

Catch her in the act so she cannot deny anything. Sure, she may hoot and holler and call you an ahole but so what? She will eventually calm down and realize you two are just not meant for each other. 

Move on. She already has with one foot out the door. She has just not been honest enough to tell you yet.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MikeInTexas,

You wrote, *I'm thinking of either creating a fake profile or asking my friend to contact her thru the sites. But some would say that's manipulative and wrong.*

The worst kind of manipulation would be for your GF to marry you when she has no love for you or is emotionally or sexually attached to someone else. She might view you as husband material, but not lover material, that is an ugly reality for many men.

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'd make the handsome fake profile, because it might provide closure. If you make accusations now, she'll deny everything and muddy the waters with some story about how it automatically logged her in, or how her friend must have used her login, etc. If she answers the handsome man's profile, you'll have a definitive answer about where she stands. And then if you're vengeful, like I would probably be, you can string her along for several weeks. This can culminate with her and the handsome stranger arranging a private meeting. You can arrange a nice surprise.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why go through all that drama?

Are you so hard up?

Geese man cmon!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I've come here for advice as I'm not sure how to proceed?
> My girlfriend and I have dated for about a year and a half and we had a breakup over the summer. We got back together in September to give it another try. We have been exclusive since. It has been great the last several months overall.
> However, 2 days ago, my "guy" friend (who is single) told me he saw my GF on 2 dating sites and screenshot them and sent them to me. I couldn't believe it and last night he came by to show me that she was active/online on Match and also on Tinder.
> 
> ...


Well. Real men require real women. Your attitude is complacent and wimpy, she is acting like a faithless flake.

I would send her the screen shot or just show her in person and tell her to give me a call if she ever grows up.

I don't play personally and I expect my women to be straight forward and no nonsense as well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

The reason I recommend the fake profile is that have 2 children together. She is going to be around his life for decades most likely. Having the active accounts is a deception itself but one that she can minimize and blame-shift and make a hundred excuses about. Catching her in the act of using them however is definitive of her intentions. If she tries to make innocuous excuses in trying to wiggle out of that it will be laughable if she responds to sexual banter for example and proceeds to follow through with an engagement. 

Like a said. Fake profile, hell 3 fake profiles. If it goes to a phone call have a man whom you don't know talk in your presence with the convo recorded. If it gets to a meetup make yourself conveniently absent then show up at meetup time calling her from fake number. Have screenshots and recordings ready and then tell her clearly you both are not meant for each other as a couple and wish her the best.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Another thing I should mention....several weeks back we had a big argument. She accused me of being "secretive" with my phone because when she sat next to me or looked over my shoulder I would turn my phone away. She accused me of hiding something. I told her I have nothing to hide and that I had no idea I was doing that. It may have been a knee-jerk reaction, and it was definitely not conscious. But she didn't like my response. She felt I was being too defensive.
I chalked it up to her feeling insecure and that she can get triggered from her ex-husbands cheating ways. Right afterwards(for a brief time), she started holding her phone away from me which I thought was a bit childish.
And she also has all her "content hidden" on her phone screen when the phone is "asleep". Now, she has had this feature since Day 1 and said she had it because she didn't want her kids to see. I never thought anything of it.
I could have easily confronted her at this time, but I wasn't feeling insecure about it.

I have set up an account on the two dating sites I am aware she's on. I haven't heard anything from her yet after sending her a message. I am going to try to give it a week or so to see if she responds. They say women get hundreds of "likes" or messages a day, so I may be way down the list right now.
At the very least she's on these sites as a way to seek attention and validation. I see that as a red flag, because her doing it this way is unhealthy.
At the very worst, she's seeking someone better or is working on meeting someone soon or right now.

* just to clarify. Both of us have kids but from a previous marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just confront her and walk.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

If you don't have kids with her, then why the hell bother at all? Dump her ass like yesterday's news and find a better choice as girlfriend.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> Another thing I should mention....several weeks back we had a big argument. She accused me of being "secretive" with my phone because when she sat next to me or looked over my shoulder I would turn my phone away. She accused me of hiding something. I told her I have nothing to hide and that I had no idea I was doing that. It may have been a knee-jerk reaction, and it was definitely not conscious. But she didn't like my response. She felt I was being too defensive.
> I chalked it up to her feeling insecure and that she can get triggered from her ex-husbands cheating ways. Right afterwards(for a brief time), she started holding her phone away from me which I thought was a bit childish.
> And she also has all her "content hidden" on her phone screen when the phone is "asleep". Now, she has had this feature since Day 1 and said she had it because she didn't want her kids to see. I never thought anything of it.
> I could have easily confronted her at this time, but I wasn't feeling insecure about it.
> ...



Her accusing you of being secretive is her projecting what she is doing herself. Hence the argument. I call BS on sleeping phone alert content hidden from kids. She is hiding from you, not them. 

Since you don't share kids you can wrap this up much quicker. 

At an opportune time for a breakup send her more messages while you are near her. If she checks her phone while in your presence confront her then and there with screenshots ready. Some of these apps have features that tell you when a message has been read but not necessarily responded too. Or catch her logged in green when you are nearby or have just left her presence. 

Or just confront with what you have now. She declares to want a committed relationship with you but has active accounts on dating websites that she has not told you about. Seems that there is a problem with trust in your relationship with her. Just sit her down and tell her that you should have to be informed by your friends that she keeps a profile on Tinder and is obviously monitoring it. Show her screenshots. Point out to her how it seems she is active on it when you are not nearby for example by using time stamps of screenshots. Tell her you hope she find what she is looking for but that you are not interested in being with a gal who demands and claims exclusivity but is active on "Lets Hookup Tinder". Life is too short for that nonsense.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Bear with me for a sec fellas. I've been with this woman for almost 2 years. It's not as easy to walk away when it could be a misunderstanding. I guess I prefer clear cut evidence. Yes, finding her on these sites looks really bad and I personally don't believe she's completely innocent. Just how much of a deal breaker is it?

If it turns out she has logged off these accounts but did not realize that she had to do more such as deactivating the account, then what? And I've read that just opening an email from Match.com makes you "active". 
It is possible she is not seeking anything.

I'm just playing devils advocate here.

I feel her replying to my fake account is catching her red-handed and I have a more clearer and definitive answer. That would definitely have me walk away without a second thought. 

If I don't get a bite from her on these sites, I will confront her, showing her the screenshots and ask her to explain. I'll know what to do depending on how she responds.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

It's time to grow a set.

Forget about playing games on the dating sites, first of all it's weak, second of all it's a childish game that grown ups don't play, and thirdly it won't necessarily get you closure. What if she responds? Then what- you going to take it as far as meeting her? That won't work because you are using a fake picture. Regardless of how far you take this silly game, ultimately you confront her and she says "yeah I wasn't happy so I was just chatting with guys and if you actually confront her on the planned 'date' she could say that on this one occasion she got carried away and figured why not meet just for fun, or she could even say she knew it was you and was just messing with you or she's just looking for friends since she can't relate to you because you're whatever (insert blame shift here).

Here's how an adult with balls would handle the situation- you calmly confront her about the fake profile that your friend saw online, give her an opportunity to explain - and then demand immediate access to her profile so you can check messages. If she refuses with the old "its an invasion of my privacy" (to look at a supposedly unused profile?)- then you are unequivocally done with her, there is no going back. But be prepared to back it up.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

MikeInT, getting an email means she has not deactivated the account. If you see she is active on the account (green) that is because she has logged in. Opening an email and reading it will not log you in, you have to click on the content to take you the application site. 

Like Bonkers says. You can sit her down, show her screenshots and demand her phone on the spot. If she refuses you have your answer.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I agree with Bonkers as well. I guess I just worry I go on her phone and don't know exactly what I'm looking for ( cuz I've never been on these sites). So I could miss valuable info by not knowing where to look. I am going to try to learn as much as I can about how these sites work so I am better prepared.
Also, Broken in Brooklyn, are you sure that she has to log in for it to go "green" and not just receiving or opening an email?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

MikeInT, I am positive. She has to click on the link provided in the email to log in to the dating application. 

Typically you get 2 types of messages. One type is someone likes you, or has favorited you or you are a match because they like you after you liked them. The other type of type of message is getting a message from the person directly. Like "Hey, how are you. Nice profile" or whatever. Some apps force you to log in to read the message, others put the message in the body of the sent email. 

No matter what type of message sent all these dating apps require you to log in to the app to read the profile of the sender so you can look at all their pictures and read their profile. 

Some of these apps are only smart phone based like Tinder. Others can be used on both smart phone or desktops like match.com. 

Also note there are others dating apps like Bumble and ******* and many many others that are focused on certain ethnicity or sexual kinks for example.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My current GF and I agreed to deactivate our profiles when we became exclusive. On ******* it means deleting the entire account. On Match you can simply turn it to hidden status, which means nobody will see it but they do still send some emails. Idk about Tinder or other sites.

So, it is possible she is not actively browsing profiles even though the site says she is "active". I would not go off the deep end too quickly on this. But, you should certainly do some homework. It is also possible she is reading articles on those sites. Match still sends me an email every few days, half are new matches and half are ads for paid seminars. 

If she is still browsing the sites for profiles, I'd dump her. She isn't fully into your relationship. At this point she should be.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MikeInT, your caution before concluding she is cheating is wise. These websites set out to get money from subscribers by any means possible. They don't care one bit about those in relationships and how the website might appear to the partner. What I mean is, the website doesn't go out of their way to help a person appear unavailable. In fact, they want the person to still show on there because it makes the site look like a more active place, which attracts new customers.

They also want people to pay for services like sending private messages, so if your gf appears available then someone may pay to send a message to her.

My sister has had a number of oddball experiences through major name dating websites.

And to give one example, I just looked at my settings on Match to see what is there. So I was "online" for a few moments. If there is some way to see when I was last online (I don't know all the ins-outs of these sites) it will show I was on this morning.

Your relationship is not brand new, and your kids are involved. So I support you doing some investigation. Do you have access to her phone or computer? If so, I would see if it auto logs in to her accounts and see what is there.

If you don't have access, and nothing comes up in a few days or a week with your fake profiles fishing her, I would just be direct and ask her. And, I would ask to see her phone and to log into her dating accounts to look at their activity. Apps might be ok but I would use a computer browser too, to be sure you see everything. Apps can be very limited in what they show.

However, if she has been browsing profiles, I would advise leaving the relationship.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> Bear with me for a sec fellas. I've been with this woman for almost 2 years. It's not as easy to walk away when it could be a misunderstanding. I guess I prefer clear cut evidence. Yes, finding her on these sites looks really bad and I personally don't believe she's completely innocent. Just how much of a deal breaker is it?
> 
> If it turns out she has logged off these accounts but did not realize that she had to do more such as deactivating the account, then what? And I've read that just opening an email from Match.com makes you "active".
> It is possible she is not seeking anything.
> ...


So, who were you talking too? This excuse should have been the first one you came up with, not the one you post after you hear things you do not want to accept.

I had a baby and was with my ex-4 years when I broke up. Sorry, no pass from me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MikeinTexas said:


> Bear with me for a sec fellas. I've been with this woman for almost 2 years. It's not as easy to walk away when it could be a misunderstanding. I guess I prefer clear cut evidence. Yes, finding her on these sites looks really bad and I personally don't believe she's completely innocent. Just how much of a deal breaker is it?
> 
> If it turns out she has logged off these accounts but did not realize that she had to do more such as deactivating the account, then what? And I've read that just opening an email from Match.com makes you "active".
> It is possible she is not seeking anything.
> ...


I agree that you need hard evidence. 

Her showing up as active on those sites is not enough to prove that she is currently looking for guys to go out with.

Your idea of creating a 'handsome guy' account and sending her a message or two is a good idea. See if she replies and agrees to meet your fake account.

This is not drama. It's important for a betrayed SO/spouse (BS) to get solid evidence because without it, it's too easy for the wayward spouse/SO (WS) to explain it away, guilt trip the BS and then take their cheating underground.

My suggestion is that you create the account and not your friend. You should not be involving a friend, a 3rd party, in this.

If she answers you back and agrees to meet somewhere, do not confront her on the spot. Instead sit back and get a plan of action. You can even come here and post and we can help you plan your next step. One reason for this is that often, people confront without enough evidence and it backfires.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you make the fake account and she does not reply to messages from the fake account, I would just show her the screen shots and not be accusatory. Just use the screenshots to have a discussion about the boundaries in your relationship. For example, no dating site accounts is a reasonable boundary.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I also think you need hard evidence. Create a few accounts with good looking photos and list a good income. Make the profiles match her type and keep reaching out. There is a ton of competition for men on these sites so keep throwing out bait with each profile. You don't always hook them on the first cast. Try different ways of getting responses. Be creative and persistent.

This isn't a bad controlling ploy. You are protecting yourself. If different friends found her profile it sounds like she's active on these sites. You have every right to investigate.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

A lot of times these dating sites keep women signed on as “active” in order to bait men if you want know for sure do like another guy on here advised and join the sites capture someone elses picture copy and past and send her an email on Tinder and see if you get a reply or not. If you do I’d chat her up a little and ask if she is willing to meet for a drink or whatever ......


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You could always bring the subject up casually by telling the truth. Your friend say her on the site. 

When she accused you of being secretive did you unlock your phone and offer to let her look through it?

You can ask her nicely to look at hers. You both know you've both been burned in the past. 

In addition, if I was her I'd be looking elsewhere. If you date for two years and don't know if they are what you want, then you don't really want it. You haven't offered her long term emotional security or any other kind of security that marriage offers for her or her children. Maybe after you breaking up with her and making a friend she thinks it is time to look around. She may not be doing anything or could just be she didn't delete all of her accounts.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I remember when we first got back together that she flipped out when she learned I had made a friend (woman) while we were broken up (the breakup lasted 6 weeks). This other woman and I were just friends. We never kissed or anything. When my gf and I got back together she demanded I stop talking to this other woman so I did because it only made sense. Now several months later, I find that she's a hypocrite.


Sounds like you're both as flippant and uncommitted as each other. Don't forget a woman can pick up 10x as many fans as you can by default of having a vagina and in general, are more feline about it. Not at all as hard working, dogged or honest as men. This is how most women get along. Rise above, buddy.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

It's been a long time since I last posted here, but I wanted to provide an update:

She was knowingly and active on at least 2 dating sites. I gathered enough evidence that she was on Match.com and Tinder. I created a fake profile and reached out to her. While she did not respond, she did view my profile. I even contacted the company and they explained that viewing an email would not make anything active. They had to go into the site. So she was fishing and it indicated she was fishing on multiple days, not a one-time thing.

I confronted her and she did not deny it. Trickle truth at first: " I just get the emails" I called BS. The it was to " I just read them" , to " I only viewed profiles but did not chat with anyone" because she felt she did not get enough attention from me and wanted to feel validated. Plus, she wanted to keep her options open in case we broke up. I asked her if there were any other dating sites she was on and she said Match was it. But I knew she also has Tinder still available. She was not being 100% honest with me. 

She started to blame shift: Said we weren't in a committed marriage and that her behavior is "ok". Then she said that because I didn't meet all her needs, that this is the result. While I accept that I have not met all her needs, I also told her it doesn't excuse her poor choices. Hell, she was on these sites fishing while I was in the same room with her!!

She kept insisting that once we get married and move in together that all of these issues would go away. I disagreed. At this point we did not break things off. She insisted we talk about it more and seek counseling.
She finally began to take some responsibility when I refused to budge. And apologized saying she would never do it again.

My counselor said that her insecurities and that her needs that will be difficult for one to meet all the time will only continue until she works on herself. While I had work to do for myself, he believed that she needs to focus on her insecurities and change the need for seeking outside validation, acceptance and love and find it within herself.
Unfortunately, this has been a big issue over the last couple years.

She became upset with me again when we discussed these issues and asked me point blank, "are you ready now to get married??". I said, "no", not now. She said she does not want to be "strung along" anymore. While I feel I am not intentionally stringing her along, I also recognized that it was not fair to us if we continue struggling with these issues that are, to this point, never being resolved.
In the end, I broke things off. She is refusing to accept her role in all of this. She even told me she wants me to tell her kids why I broke things off and changed my mind (alluding to that I am the problem and can't keep the promise of staying together). I asked her if she wanted me to include the part about the online cheating?!? And now I was wonder if something else happened during her "all-girls Vegas trip" back in November (when she was probably fishing). I just can't trust her right now and don't know if I can regain that trust.
I know I have work to do on being a better communicator and being more assertive, in a loving way. I also realized while I am happy in my own skin, if and when I get in another relationship, I need that "new her" to also be secure with themselves as well.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Kudos to you ... you have successfully dodged a huge bullet that would have struck you at some point in the future.

Now, learn from this and recalibrate your picker to not make the same mistake again. Women who need constant validation from others are like a bucket with no bottom.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You chose wisely


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> Hell, she was on these sites fishing while I was in the same room with her!!..............................................
> 
> In the end, I broke things off. She is refusing to accept her role in all of this.


You deserve some congratulations. You might never completely realize the amount of stress and unhappiness that you just avoided due to your decision. Thanks for coming back to share how this story ended. That usually doesn't happen.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don’t concern yourself with what she does and doesn’t accept. Just be done with her.

And I’m sorry, but the audacity (or stupidity) it must’ve taken for her to ask you about being ready for marriage while she’s the one so bent on keeping her options open... man, that’s hilarious.

Put this one in your rearview and never look back.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

The balls on her to demand marriage. To think you would actually put a ring on her finger after that BS. Wth? She is bat-sh- 

Good job man. Good job. She is not worthy. 

You sound sexy.  (Totally married and not flirting with you.) Just telling you that what you did and how it was done was admirable to the opposite sex. Now go off, have a good life knowing you dodged a bullet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She would have continued after marriage.

She is an attention addict.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

It may not seem like it now, but you did the best thing for you in breaking it off.

Yeah there are some hurt feelings and the kids are in a tough spot but it was for the best for everyone in the long term.

Take some time to recoup and then get your head on straight for the next person you find.

You have been through this once already so pay attention to any gut feelings you get and do not ignore any red flags just because you are so "in love".

Good luck.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She would have continued after marriage.
> 
> She is an attention addict.


Guaranteed!!!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You probably would have been fine marrying her.

If she was marriage material, which she is not.

Be thankful that your gut guided you well.

Next time, find a woman who takes responsibility for her actions and doesn't feel the need to keep her options open when in a committed relationship.

But also keep in mind that many women won't want to wait years for marriage. 2 years is probably long enough to really know if someone is marriage material.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I appreciate everyone's support. And MattMatt was right, she is an attention addict. My counselor (who has met with her on several occasions too) made the analogy of that of an alcoholic to her needs of attention.
Anyways, it's more apparent to me now, that attention was more important than even me!
Why? Two days after I broke things off with her, I started the process of deleting the accounts of the dating sites now that I no longer have the need to gather any more evidence and worry anymore. And lo and behold, when I opened the dating apps, her profile popped up with a new profile with added pics. After only 2 days after 2+ years relationship ended!! 
Look, it's none of my business what she does, and quite frankly, she and I are free to do as we please. But I can't deny it irks me a little....she only lasted 2 days?!? LOL 2 days since she asked me about marriage! How can you jump so quickly from saying you want to marry someone to already searching for the next one?
It only confirms my fears. That she needs attention & validation to be loved because she is unable to love herself. It's sad really.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MikeinTexas said:


> I appreciate everyone's support. And MattMatt was right, she is an attention addict. My counselor (who has met with her on several occasions too) made the analogy of that of an alcoholic to her needs of attention.
> Anyways, it's more apparent to me now, that attention was more important than even me!
> Why? Two days after I broke things off with her, I started the process of deleting the accounts of the dating sites now that I no longer have the need to gather any more evidence and worry anymore. And lo and behold, when I opened the dating apps, her profile popped up with a new profile with added pics. After only 2 days after 2+ years relationship ended!!
> Look, it's none of my business what she does, and quite frankly, she and I are free to do as we please. But I can't deny it irks me a little....she only lasted 2 days?!? LOL 2 days since she asked me about marriage! How can you jump so quickly from saying you want to marry someone to already searching for the next one?
> It only confirms my fears. That she needs attention & validation to be loved because she is unable to love herself. It's sad really.


I’m happy that you finally seem to have got some closure from this relationship even if it was her going on a dating site so quickly that did it.
This reminds me of a story a guy told me once about when his wife had a heart attack, he was very lonely and went on a dating site.His wife’s family were not happy about it.
They thought he should have called an ambulance!
Sorry, my bad🤐


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> I appreciate everyone's support. And MattMatt was right, she is an attention addict. My counselor (who has met with her on several occasions too) made the analogy of that of an alcoholic to her needs of attention.
> Anyways, it's more apparent to me now, that attention was more important than even me!
> Why? Two days after I broke things off with her, I started the process of deleting the accounts of the dating sites now that I no longer have the need to gather any more evidence and worry anymore. And lo and behold, when I opened the dating apps, her profile popped up with a new profile with added pics. After only 2 days after 2+ years relationship ended!!
> Look, it's none of my business what she does, and quite frankly, she and I are free to do as we please. But I can't deny it irks me a little....she only lasted 2 days?!? LOL 2 days since she asked me about marriage! How can you jump so quickly from saying you want to marry someone to already searching for the next one?
> It only confirms my fears. That she needs attention & validation to be loved because she is unable to love herself. It's sad really.


MikeinTexas, you did the right thing, It's one thing for a girlfriend/fiance to insist on a marriage at some point, That is fine, But it is a whole number ball game to do that and be on multiple dating/hookup sites and lie about it, minimize, blame-shift, etc. She took no responsibility and did not honestly try to fix the relationship. As we both know she lied on how many sites she was one even after being confronted. 

She is rather immature in my book and you did the right thing breaking it off. The time to find out someone is a sneaky liar is while you date them, not after you are married. 

You dodged a bullet. Of course there is going to be a mourning period and it hurts to see them actively pursing other partners so soon but consider this. Imagine if you found those accounts after you were married. BTW, she probably refreshed those accounts partially out of spite knowing you would be looking. 

Consider yourself blessed to now owe nothing to someone who holds your feelings in such low regard. 

You should open an account yourself on *******, Bumble, Match , Tinder. etc. Return the favor.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MikeinTexas said:


> I appreciate everyone's support. And MattMatt was right, she is an attention addict. My counselor (who has met with her on several occasions too) made the analogy of that of an alcoholic to her needs of attention.
> Anyways, it's more apparent to me now, that attention was more important than even me!
> Why? Two days after I broke things off with her, I started the process of deleting the accounts of the dating sites now that I no longer have the need to gather any more evidence and worry anymore. And lo and behold, when I opened the dating apps, her profile popped up with a new profile with added pics. After only 2 days after 2+ years relationship ended!!
> Look, it's none of my business what she does, and quite frankly, she and I are free to do as we please. But I can't deny it irks me a little....she only lasted 2 days?!? LOL 2 days since she asked me about marriage! *How can you jump so quickly from saying you want to marry someone to already searching for the next one?*
> It only confirms my fears. That she needs attention & validation to be loved because she is unable to love herself. It's sad really.


She really wants to be married. It doesn't matter to whom.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MikeinTexas said:


> I appreciate everyone's support. And MattMatt was right, she is an attention addict. My counselor (who has met with her on several occasions too) made the analogy of that of an alcoholic to her needs of attention.
> Anyways, it's more apparent to me now, that attention was more important than even me!
> Why? Two days after I broke things off with her, I started the process of deleting the accounts of the dating sites now that I no longer have the need to gather any more evidence and worry anymore. And lo and behold, when I opened the dating apps, her profile popped up with a new profile with added pics. After only 2 days after 2+ years relationship ended!!
> Look, it's none of my business what she does, and quite frankly, she and I are free to do as we please. But I can't deny it irks me a little....she only lasted 2 days?!? LOL 2 days since she asked me about marriage! How can you jump so quickly from saying you want to marry someone to already searching for the next one?
> It only confirms my fears. That she needs attention & validation to be loved because she is unable to love herself. It's sad really.


All the confirmation you needed on your decision.


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