# I didn't expect this...need help



## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello again all. (my story: Wife of 13 years cheated with my best friend)

Well I am now in a position that I never expected or prepared for. 

While I am coping with my wife infidelity and working through it, she is REALLY struggling coping with her guilt and remorse. 

She is in tears almost everyday saying that she is so ashamed about what she did. She also seems to be struggling with trying to figure out why I would still want to be with her after what she did. 

I am coping but I don't know how i'm supposed to process my emotions and help her sort through hers at the same time. I have told her all of this and told her she needs to talk to a counselor. But that's not going to happen, mainly because we financially can't afford it and secondly, she won't talk to people outside of her very close circle about anything like this. 

I am worried that her inability to cope with her guilt and shame is going to lead to our divorce. 

At one point I thought that she might just be sabotaging our R on purpose because she didn't want to be with me, but I now realize that isn't the case. 

She constantly begs for my forgiveness, which I have given her, but it doesn't seem to have helped things along much. 

How am I supposed to cope with my stuff and help her with hers? If I just tell her to deal with it and leave her hanging, it will definitely end us....does she just need time? I worry that time is not our friend right now

i'm at a loss.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well since you're so quick to forgive she likely doesn't believe she is deserving of that forgiveness yet
part of a remorseful WS process to be able to forgive one's self and work towards preventative measures and their own problems so it doesn't happen again. Her refusal to get help for self improvement is not a good sign. There are ways of getting low cost or free help, you just have to look.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't pay too much attention to tears, women are good at it. Also, if she raises the subject of being unable to cope with the situation/possible divorce on those grounds, it's likely remorse is not genuine and affair didn't end.

I'd say focus on yourself and cover your rear.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

snap said:


> Don't pay too much attention to tears, women are good at it. *Also, if she raises the subject of being unable to cope with the situation/possible divorce on those grounds, it's likely remorse is not genuine and affair didn't end.*
> 
> I'd say focus on yourself and cover your rear.


an excellent point


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

furthermore, for R to work she really has to do the heavy lifting so to speak. Your pain is much greater than her guilt, don't forget that. Tell her if she wants to earn that forgiveness and really atone she will do everything she can to help you heal.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Something else to think about. When she says how can you still want me after I did this is to me an indication that subconsciously she is questioning her respect for you. Have you taken charge of this? Have you demanded accountability from her? Part of forgiveness is that it needs to be earned or it's not genuine. We only value what we work for and we tend to dismiss what is freely given. What have you required from her? Why would you stay with her?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Give her a list of goals that she can complete for you and document them..Maybe it will give her a sense and a measure of things she is doing for you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah, it took Regret about a week of crying over HER shame and HER guilt before I said....Ummm, yeah - I'm the one who got cheated on, so stow it for a bit.

I hate to be cynical, but the truth in my opinion, is that when the wayward does that they're trying to cover up reality by drowning it in tears. Hoping...praying that it will just go away. Only when you stand up and say "Enough", we need to work on WHY this happened and quit the daytime drama stuff can we begin to heal this.

Crying doesn't do that. It's just another piece of cake cuz most of the times they get what they desire: comfort.

Yeah...comfort for adultery. Crazy. I didn't realize I was giving it for about a week. It stopped as soon as I really thought about it.

Don't let it blind you or manipulate you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She NEEDS consequences. Have you offered her any?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Rand OmGuy said:


> Hello again all. (my story: Wife of 13 years cheated with my best friend)
> 
> Well I am now in a position that I never expected or prepared for.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me your wife may be having serious issues with depression. Depression is cylclical and when she comes out of it you may have a fresh set of problems.

Go with her to see your primary care physcian and see what they recommend. Perhaps they may prescribe some meds for a while.

Another thought... unless you live in a small town there should be some resources for a free visit or two for some counseling. I know people in Masters programs for psychology have to do a ton of pro bono hours.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Rand OmGuy said:


> Hello again all. (my story:
> 
> I have told her all of this and told her she needs to talk to a counselor. But that's not going to happen, mainly because we financially can't afford it and secondly, she won't talk to people outside of her very close circle about anything like this.


Randomguy insist she get counseling. If you have insurance it may be considerably cheaper than you think. Even if you don't there may be a psychiatrist or counselor that would work with her. 

For my wife, individual counseling for her was a condition of me staying in the marriage. Her psychiatrist says almost word for word some of the things I say, but hearing some of those things from a person with no direct agenda, helps drive it home. 

I think my wife's copay for the hour session with the psych only ends up costing up about $17 so it may fit in your budget.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Rand OmGuy said:


> While I am coping with my wife infidelity and working through it, she is REALLY struggling coping with her guilt and remorse.
> 
> She is in tears almost everyday saying that she is so ashamed about what she did. She also seems to be struggling with trying to figure out why I would still want to be with her after what she did.


 What she is doing here is making you not only quickly forgive her, but is in effect telling you that reconciliation is only possible if you rug sweep and stop bringing up the affair. It has become all out her and her feelings and she is telling you that her doing the heavy lifting needed to help you deal with her cheating is not going to happen. She wants and is getting reconciliation on her terms.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Simple side comment first.

You should keep everything in one thread. It makes those helping out easier to understand your story.

But now your issue.

I'm a bit torn by it. On one hand she is talking to certain people that are close to her and you, but on the other hand I would be a bit leery. I think its my own fear of getting shot in the face again that puts me a bit off about this. 

I do fear the same as what snap posted, but again I am trying to hold back the paranoia that occurs with things like this in an attempt to fix the relationship. Its a catch 22 sadly. 

For me my STBXW faked R so my radar will always be up for the next woman I am with, along with the other psychological torture I was put through during the breakup. End result I fight all the time with myself trying to let go of the past and make sure I don't pin my insecurities onto another woman.

I would look into public assistance for therapy or how about having her post here. I know it will be tough at first and she needs to understand that, but at least under anonymity she can post without fear of people knowing. Just needs to have tough skin to weed out the real comments from the more hateful ones.

But I do feel if she is truly trying to fix this and just doesn't know how, then you need some real help or your both doomed. One because she will never learn why she did this and is destined to repeat it and two you really don't want that to happen when your 5 or 10 years older.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I didn't expect this...need help*



carolinadreams said:


> Randomguy insist she get counseling. If you have insurance it may be considerably cheaper than you think. Even if you don't there may be a psychiatrist or counselor that would work with her.
> 
> For my wife, individual counseling for her was a condition of me staying in the marriage. Her psychiatrist says almost word for word some of the things I say, but hearing some of those things from a person with no direct agenda, helps drive it home.
> 
> I think my wife's copay for the hour session with the psych only ends up costing up about $17 so it may fit in your budget.


Many counseling centers also offer free or reduced fees if you do some research. Some also offer a sliding scale depending on income.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

bfree said:


> Something else to think about. When she says how can you still want me after I did this is to me an indication that subconsciously she is questioning her respect for you.


OR, it sounds like, as someone else mentioned, the affair could still be going on and she is trying to get him to be the one to end the marriage. Trying to plant it in his head so he says, "yes, you are right, why would I want to be with you?" and possibly be the one to leave.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I didn't expect this...need help*



dusty4 said:


> OR, it sounds like, as someone else mentioned, the affair could still be going on and she is trying to get him to be the one to end the marriage. Trying to plant it in his head so he says, "yes, you are right, why would I want to be with you?" and possibly be the one to leave.


Sadly you are correct. That is always a possibility.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I don't think she's being honest with you. Women are unfortunately good at manipulating like this. She's either hiding more or she's faking remorse. Or both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My W stands in her depression and accuses me of doing things I never did, and never would do. She feels all this paralyzing pain from it. Yet she's the one who screwed around physically in our relationship. I have depression over that, yet I find myself propping her up. We spend time on her pain while I just swallow mine, tring to cancel the mind movies in my head. 

What I see this as, like your situation, is her covering her guilt so she doesn't have to deal with the crap she handed you. If it's all about her, then she doesn't have to give anything to you. This isn't even (maybe) an intentional, evil thing, but the only way she knows how to handle her real guilt. It also doesn't mean the affair isn't over... but unless you really know for sure, verify it.

A good therapist could get to the bottom of that one for your wife, I believe.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't think the affair is going on. Read his older thread. He explained the situation pretty well.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I don't think the affair is going on. Read his older thread. He explained the situation pretty well.


What? Reading threads before posting? What kind of crazy talk is that!


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

I think she finally fully exited from The Fog, now clearly sees the devastation laid out before her, and has serious doubts that she has the strength, fortitude, and perseverance to rebuild in the wasteland she created.

Think about it. For the foreseeable future, she has to face her victims and come up with some semblance of restitution. Leaving and starting with a clean slate would be a lot easier. 

It's a theory . . .


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would let her know that she could either wallow in the sorrow of what's she done or take constructive steps to making it better for you and for her


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op perhaps she really is struggling. The problem is you can't be sure and there is also a good chance that she's playing you. She could be trying to rug sweep. She may have a new interest that she wants to pursue or is pursuing. She could be trying to get you to act on divorce. The list goes on. 

From my perspective. You say she cheated Yet You also state fear that her present state may lead to divorce. Does that sound right? She cheated and now you are afraid. Just a suggestion lose that fear. 


See a qualified counselor. 

Good luck
We
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I would let her know that she could either wallow in the sorrow of what's she done or take constructive steps to making it better for you and for her


I can't "like" this from my iPhone...... So I am "liking" it this way! I don't want to wallow in the misery of the devastating situation I created and I don't expect my spouse wants or needs to see that, either. I think I owe it to both of us to do everything in my power to become the best wife, best mother and best individual that I can be. So, in addition to truly figuring out the "how" and "why" of my poor choices, I am also working hard to heal my myself from the inside out, make amends to him in every way I possibly can and help him heal in whatever way he needs me to. Only when we are both on the path of true healing can we move forward in health, happiness and reconciliation. 

For me to continue to wallow in misery after the realization of what I have done and true remorse has set in is somewhat self indulgent. I am proactively seeking a better life for both of us. It takes work. He and I are, both, committed to this process. Without that, I can't see any possibility of a long term successful reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

EI said:


> I can't "like" this from my iPhone...... So I am "liking" it this way!


quit being so cheap and get the tapatalk app, you can like from your phone there


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> quit being so cheap and get the tapatalk app, you can like from your phone there


But, then I wouldn't have gone into that long spiel........ and you would have missed out on it.  You wouldn't want that would you, AR?  :scratchhead:


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

bfree said:


> Something else to think about. *When she says how can you still want me after I did this is to me an indication that subconsciously she is questioning her respect for you.* Have you taken charge of this? Have you demanded accountability from her? Part of forgiveness is that it needs to be earned or it's not genuine. We only value what we work for and we tend to dismiss what is freely given. What have you required from her? Why would you stay with her?


This! Man forgives almost instantly, the wayward may be relieved she's been forgiven but it doesn't replace the lack of respect so showed him in committing her acts.

She says she has guilt and is ashamed yet won't talk to professionals about it only her close circle? More likely she's afraid of the lose of her reputation more than anything else. You go this route you will be rug sweeping in a major way, in fact I already think you are. You seem to be helping her with her issues rather than her helping you with her betrayal.

It was all about her during the affair.

It's all about her now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you live in the States? If so, you can FIND a counselor who you can afford. Start with United Way


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