# A Year Later and Still in Pain......



## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

I came to this website a few months ago searching for any information I could find to help me try to understand why my husband had his affair.

I feel that my husband has always had some self-esteem issues. Couple that with being passed over at work for many years because of favoritism, unethical bosses, shady company policies, and regular-old family issues over finances and you have a recipe for someone to go looking for a little “appreciation” and “feel-good” about himself on the internet.

A little background……….my husband and I were high school sweethearts. He was 18 and I was 16. We have been together for 32 years, and married for 27 of those 32 years. We have three young-adult children. We have been happy for the majority of our marriage, or so I thought. In June 2010 I received a phone call from my husband’s mistress telling me that she wanted me to know that she and my husband had been having an affair for the past 18 months and that she also thought that he was cheating on her with another woman! The gut-punch that was that phone call was indescribable. My world spun out of control. He was the only man I had EVER been with and he cheated on me! I confronted him about the call when he got home and subsequently threw him and all of his possessions out of the house. I truly worried that he might take his own life for those first few days. He realized what he had done and what he had just lost. He lived at his parents for a month and then we started to talk and reconcile. Please know that before his affair happened, I would have advised anyone to leave the sorry SOB and good riddance! But once you are in the situation, you see things very differently. I decided that for the sake of my children and myself, I had to try to save our marriage or I would always have regrets for not giving it everything I had. I prayed for help to know what to do. I cannot explain how I came to the conclusion to reconcile except that God helped me to see that I needed to judge the man for who he has been for 30+ years and not judge him on this one event. I have to say that he has done everything that a wayward husband could do about being transparent, shown all the remorse a human possibly could, cut off all contact with the other woman and has bent over backwards to be the husband he should have been all along. 

My remaining problem is that it has been just over a year since discovery day and I still have the images in my head of him with her. I still feel the sting of all the lies he told while he was meeting her on his days off from work. There are days when this sadness just envelopes me like a warm blanket over my shoulders. He reassures me that it will never happen again, but I have these horrible twinges of mis-trust and pain. 

Did I make a mistake in taking him back? …………will I always be in this much pain?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think I read that it takes maybe 3 years for the pain to subside. I don't know if you made a mistake. But I wonder if you can try to replace those images with the two of you. If you are brave and they went anywhere special, go there with him and claim them as your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Sorry you're going through this. I was still pretty shaky,emotionally, at one year out. It's been a little over two years for me and it's much better, now. We are both fortunate to have husbands who are doing everything in their power to make things right. As long as he's really recommitted and you are forgiving, I think it will get better for you, too. You never forget, but you learn how to deal with it and not let it consume you or make you bitter. And you don't sound bitter, so that's a definite plus!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

LuvMy Husband, but don't you always sorta feel cheated on ?

~sammy


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

No, but thanks for asking. I feel pretty good about things these days. We are getting ready to celebrate our 12th anniversary in a couple of weeks and are having fun planning our vacation next month. I wasn't the perfect wife who was wrongly cheated on. We've come a long way. It's just the two of us now and these past two years have been the best of our marriage. If we had divorced, I would have still gone through all the heartache but missed out on what we have now. Then I wouldve felt cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

From what you have written I don't think you made a mistake taking him back. I also wouldn't look for any hidden meanings behind the fact that you still have images in your head. You were betrayed and that is probably going to take a long time to get over, or should I say, accept. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I would say to continue to give things your best shot and hope that in another year things will be better for you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

LuvMyHusband, 

Good answer ! 12 year anniversary, is that total years of marriage, or since the infidelity happened?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

RWB said:


> If there is still true love for one another and honest re-commitment, it all comes down to Mercy.


Thank you. I genuinely needed that. I'm nearly 6 weeks out and clearly in the anger stage.


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think we are all still in pain in varying degrees. I have never really had a conversation with anyone who tried to make their marriage work after an affair. Everyone I have spoken with took the "easier" way out, if there is such a thing and they are so bitter and hateful that they seem "stuck" in limbo about the past. I think most people will agree that it is much harder to try to salvage the marriage than to give up on it.

LuvmyH ~ I understand what you said when you feel like these are the best two years of your marriage. I am happy for you that you have moved on so well. I am just afraid that my marriage is in another "honeymoon" stage and it will fade and we will return to the same complacency and taking each other for granted like it was before my husband's affair. 

Numb-badger ~ I remember the anger stage very well. I understand how it feels as do most people here. The only advise I can give to you is to just realize it for what it is and know that "this too shall pass". It will one day morph into "acceptance" and only then will you be able to decide how you want to proceed.

RWB~ It is strange to have made it through so many years of marriage and gotten past what most people think of the "rocky spots" in marriages only to come face to face with an affair after 25+ years of marriage. I totally understand what you meant when you said that it was puzzling that your spouse "could go from telling some other person that she/he loves him/her so deeply and meeting for hotel sex to being guilt ridden, shameful, and wanting me to take her/him back in a matter of minutes after exposure of the affair". How easily we (the betrayed spouses) were all thrown away at the beginning for the other person and then after exposure, how easily the other person gets thrown under the "provervial bus" and how you are told how little that person means to them. Upon discovery of their affair, I guess the cheating spouse finally realizes what they have lost, it is only then that they see how precious it actually was to them all along.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

To the Judge, you give me hope as I have been married 28 years. Only 5 weeks out from WH, but my god, this seems like the worst stage of our life. I worry about the falling out of love phase. I just want it to go back to "how we were",bc we both know (knew) it was good . 

NB,What happened? You sounded as if things were going well. Im still in the anger stage and nothing is going well!

~sammy


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I am generally 'alright', but every now and then (usually when we're apart for a length of time) I'm hit with waves of anger and hurt about the lies. Strangely enough, the mind movies have almost totally stopped. The negative thoughts are rarely about 'them' but rather about the lies she told. I hvae to admit that sometimes when I start to feel negative I scold myself and refuse to be put into a bad mood, especially when I'm at work, then the anger subsides, but when driving, reading or otherwise engaged in self contemplation, it will creep back in and those lies will fill my head again!
Anyhoo, on a far more positive note, in an attempt to help move forward I wrote my wife a 3 page letter explaining how I felt about her infidelity, how it has affected me, and how I am feeling now. It also listed 6 boundaries that, if crossed, would spell instant divorce. I then went on to tell her what I expected from her for the future, what she can expect of me and my promise of commitment to her should she aknowledge those boundaries. She read it, agreed with it totally and asked if we could both sign it - her commitment to me and my commitment to her. So yes, we both signed it 
So my anger is not so much about what's happening now, but rather what she did in the past. I want to move onto forgiveness and if the positive response to the letter is anything to go by, it could very well happen.

Sammy3, is your husband still away a lot? Do you manage to get much talk time going with him? You say nothing is going well, why is that? What's happening?
I really wish you the best Sammy3, and hope things work for you.

N-B


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

Sammy~

I understand the desire for things to return to they way they were before the affair; but they can't. Something in the marriage before the affair is what led up to him having the affair. You are grieving (like I have been doing) for what your marriage was and will never be again. Trust me, you don't want your marriage to be like it was. This is a chance for it to be something MUCH BETTER. It is still fresh for you and you said you are still in the anger stage...........you need time to accept what has happened and then decide how to move on. Are you going to reconcile with him or have you decided yet?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

This is what I am struggling with. I know I love him. We were married almost as long as we live alone. 28 years. He has given me everything I ever needed, physically, emotionally, materially,for 28 years. I want reconciliation, but I'm not sure I am one of the 'special' people who can go on with their WH after having an affair. He reached out to her, when he should have reached out to me.

More post than not, so many people say the infidelity never goes away... it is always there. I just want to have that feeling that I use to have with my partner and that is the love that grew out of innocence of commitment together. I want to look across the table and see a face that will cherish me, and hasn't cheat on me. I don't if I will ever reach that...(the much better part,) I vacillate hourly...

N-B as far as seeing my husband, 7 days the month June and it's a day here, a day there. Last month the same... I'm alone a lot .

I am reading non stop to help me get to "the other side", and am so tried of it all... the day of D-day, I had just started reading "The Lost Gospel" of Judas Iscariot, ironic isn't it?

~sammy


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

Sammy,

Believe me, I never would have considered myself to be one of those "special people" that would EVER stay in a marriage with a cheating husband.............but I did. Before this happened to me I would have advised any person to move on and let the sorry cheaters know what they have just lost! 

My husband and I spent a month apart and then started to talk and reconcile. A little distance helped me realize how much I still needed him. We basically grew up together. Of course, he did not want to move out, but he had no choice. That is what I needed......to be away from him and for him to realize what life was like without his wife and family. 

You said your husband reached out to her.....was it over the internet? That is how my husband started his affair........by talking to someone via the internet in a chat room. Someone that didn't fuss about things not being done around the house, etc. etc........ They all should have reached out to their wives, I will NEVER understand why they didn't. No one knows them better than their wives, but they bare their souls to perfect strangers.

Is your husband still in the home? 

I think the biggest factor for me was how he acted after the affair. He was VERY remorseful and still is. He is very transparent and actually takes one of our daughters on any side trip he has to make away from our home......even it it is running to the store. That was his decision to do, not because I forced him. He doesn't even want me to have a thought cross my mind about who he might be meeting with.

Basically, my healing depended on his actions. Yours probably will also. He needs to do the majority of the work to win you back. I am not saying I don't still have those flashbacks, but everyone here tells me that a year isn't a very long time for them to fade. I guess my husband can see the look on my face when I have a flashback. When I do have them, my husband can tell and he just hugs me and reassures me that it will never happen again.

I understand where you are right now. I have been there.
I pray for your strength and courage to know what is the best course of action for you.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> I just want to have that feeling that I use to have with my partner and that is the love that grew out of innocence of commitment together. I want to look across the table and see a face that will cherish me, and hasn't cheat on me. I don't if I will ever reach that...(the much better part,) I vacillate hourly...


Sammy, this reminds me of something my young adult son said when he found out about his father's infidelity. My son said that it made him realise that his dad wasn't perfect, he wasn't up on a pedestal, and he now saw him as a more of a 'real' person i.e one who was human with flaws. 

So the romantic view he had of his 'perfect dad' was replaced with a more realistic one. I know he was very disappointed in his dad, but at the same time he also gained a different perspective on life.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thx all for the kind words. I know my husband is human, I knew it way before he even had the affair. I think I just don't like him anymore. I don't like who I've become either. We don't see each other much and when we do it awful. It like we just don't get along now. This is not what I want.

~sammy


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> I don't like who I've become either.


Oh I can so relate to that. I used to be extremely trusting, my husband used to go on regular camping trips without me - I never worried about it; he went to work evening functions alone while I stayed home with the kids - I never worried about it; he went to work every day - I never worried about it... etc.

Now in post-affair life, every time he steps out that door I wonder where he is really going and what he will be doing, when he tells me something I find myself cynically wondering if it is the truth, when he talks to another woman I feel this weird pang of insecurity and jealousy. I feel like I have turned from a relaxed, trusting, secure, comfortable person into a paranoid, insecure, jealous, nagging, worry-wart. 

And I don't like these qualities at all! I hate how his affair has brought out these feelings out in me...


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

squiffy< 


EXACTLY!!!!! That is the person I don't want to become! This is what I am so afraid of. I don't want a life of watching, waiting, worrying. It was never like that for my marriage either. Maybe it is better to walk away,(which I don't consider the easy way by any means) and start a new life, with a new beginning and new people,where you can have trust again.

~sammy


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

My remaining problem is that it has been just over a year since discovery day and I still have the images in my head of him with her. I still feel the sting of all the lies he told while he was meeting her on his days off from work. There are days when this sadness just envelopes me like a warm blanket over my shoulders. He reassures me that it will never happen again, but I have these horrible twinges of mis-trust and pain. 

Did I make a mistake in taking him back? …………will I always be in this much pain?[/QUOTE]

i will post this again
All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true
it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20. 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that. 
But WS did.

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.
That is the hardest thing to live with. 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does. 
That time is gone. 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them. 
That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong. 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead. 
And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it. 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B. 

R is the Plan B version of marriage. 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. 
A more tolerable kind of sadness.


I could not nor would i EVER forget what my WW did.....i filed for D...I think had I stayed and tried to R ...I truly think this would have been my future!

My question to you ...Why in Gods name are you still with this person...??

My hope is that you can leave asap!! and be in control of your own life..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

At nine months past d-day the pain is excruciating. For some unknown reason the affair details have flooded my mind and I can't shake the thoughts. I have resided in rage for almost a month now and no signs of that stopping either. WW has been trying so hard to help me improve and she is feeling the pain also as she sees me in pain. I can only say that at this moment I don't feel I will ever shed the pain of her betrayal. I had hopes that it would at least full but my pain is as sharp as it was on d-day. 

I hate the fact all is changing around me and it is not what I preferred. I prefer that WW never have cheated. Now all dynamics to my marriage, future, and WW have all changed. I have to change, which hurts also. I have to fight to become what I was because this has destroyed me. I was happy, made people laugh, always tried to make people smile. Now I don't care if anyone smiles or laughs, I prefer being alone or just me and my two boys. I don't even want happiness, just peace with myself. R hasn't gone well the last week or so and I'm fighting to make it through the days, hope this passes soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not trivializing anyone's pain over a one-night stand, but it really does matter if someone is a long-term cheater.

Practically speaking, the risk of STD exposure is much higher, and their likelihood of misusing family funds and time goes way up.

It takes years to recover from infidelity and that is even after the affair having really ended.

If someone gaslights you and continues contact, that drags the recovery time back to zero until contact is over.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Dude, 2011. Even walking dead isn't that dead....


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

I KNOW. I am there too, My H one night stand called me so I know what you felt....I remember dropping the phone, I think I even peed myself...I couldn't breathe.....and then I believed HIM....3 years later I found SO SO much more..that was the tip of the Iceberg really. And I stayed. Also almost 30 years together, three kids, so much invested...I stayed because he stopped on his own before I found out, I stayed because he HAD to be mad, something wrong with him, since he led the double life of a bachelor, a lie, a fantasy, and his hook-ups didn't last more than a couple of dates...for years.
It's been two years and I hear you...even though he IS bending backwards to be the best husband ever....the pain is there...every time...Now, the other day I heard something very good....time helps because you are able to create a NEW history of commitment, trust, honesty and integrity in your relationship....but even 2 years is not enough...I think it will take 5 years for this to "almost" go away..but it will never be the same, it can't. Something broke, died, and it can't come back the same as it was. I hope your H continues to try to be the best husband he can be, goes to therapy, you both take time for yourselves, go on dates, make him feel you appreciate his efforts, and be strong...reconciliation is hard, no doubt.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Five years... And to think how bad I think I have it when we are a week away from one year from my d day. But I left. I won't reconcile. Nothing she can say can change the years and years and years of lies and deceit and horror that I had to absorb in thirty seconds.

And I'm feeling much better now. I still have nightmares, I still guard my thoughts, I won't watch any movie with a hint of infidelity, etc...

But I don't have to look at WS ever again. I don't have to talk to her ever again. Texts. Period. She can pick up her money from a friend or family member. If she calls I ignore it. If she leaves a voicemail I erase it and text her to explain herself to me. If I want to write to her I write in my journal. She is as dead to me as I can make her.

I think I may be doing better then you. I don't mean that as a brag. I've just spent a lot of time thinking about what could have happened had I tried to reconcile after she finally wanted to.

If I ignore everything else. If I ignore our son, ignore the memories (my happiest memories, now tainted because she was never not cheating on me), but they are still my happiest memories, ignore all of it.

Would I try to date someone that I know is capable of what she has already done? Why would I do that when there are all these other women out there who haven't committed those atrocities?

Posting from phone so please forgive errors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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