# Duty Sex



## Philnamehere (Aug 29, 2013)

At one time in our marriage, it was about making love. Lots of touching, nothing ever further than vanilla. Nothing too hot or ripping clothes off of each other but nice.
She *never* initiates and she has begun taking more and more of her freelance gigs which, coincidentally make our schedules at odds.
Once the kids catch the school bus, we go for it about once every 3 wks. Summertime? Forget it! Kids will hear. Not enough time. Too tired. Want to be doing something else. Is all I hear her say. 
I try to talk to her. She is adamant that vanilla is the rule. Missionary or sometimes girl-on-top. *Never* anything else. Mouths are only used for kisses and nothing more adventurous. She is the poster image for The Non-Orgasmic Woman. Finally during our early months together as BF and GF she admitted that it "feels good" but nothing more. She detailed her previous sexual experiences and said that she never had an orgasm and doesn't understand the fullbody ecstasy that people describe.
She admitted that she never masturbated as a young woman and she has no sense of why she would do it. She is mortified at th thought of vibrators and took a great number of months to get over the fact that guys "take care of themselves" regularly. She just doesn't get it.
She doesn't like receive oral (and she just humoured me a bit with attempts to offer it to me when I begged her but that only is momentary)
I try not to confront her about it but I do try to converse with her about it as a non-judgmental topic.
She says that we need to do more couple's activities. Fine, I will take 2 weeks off in August (now) to go hiking, biking, and other outdoorsy stuff that I love as she wants even moreso.
What happens? She decides to take all her freelance gigs every day of my vacation and still points the finger at me that we don't go out.
I have told her that we cannot go on like this and that we need to see a relationship professional. She is mortified by the idea. She just doesn't register that the sex and intimacy balance is out of whack and she doesn't feel that she has any part to play in "solving any issues". Of course, she is alarmed by suggestion about the therapist thing and now *this* is all she thinks about.
Sigh.
I knew that sex was never her first priority but, jeez, I never knew it would sink this low. Maybe she thought I would "cool off" over the years. Crap, I was ready for it even during the days that one of my parents had just passed away...it was a way to be intimate and reaffirm our closeness in the dark days of family sadness. 
Post #1 and know that millions of couples go through the same thing.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How long have you been married and how old are the kids?

This does sound very complicated. A woman who doesn't orgasm, doesn't masturbate, doesn't understand that others masturbate or have a strong sex drive sounds like a job only for a highly trained, highly qualified professional.

My only suggestion is that you find a PhD therapist who also specializes in sex therapy. You make an appointment and go yourself. Yes, she is the one who needs this but she will refuse. Once you have gone several times, the therapist will be able to help you gather up the courage to directly confront your wife and maybe force her into going. To be honest, this isn't likely to get her on board. But it's worth a shot AND it will help you as you are confronted with some tough decisions.

She isn't likely to ever change and in fact will only get worse. Unless she feels that NOT dealing with this is more painful that dealing with this... And even then, she has to see that healthy sexuality MUST have an outlet, MUST be expressed and as part of a couple she is RESPONSIBLE for doing her part.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Phil, I feel your pain and can relate to you on many different levels. Your wife's lack of comfortableness with her own body is very likely at the root of the issue in my opinion. She can't let herself be comfortable enough to enjoy sex or dare to venture into some new possibilities. My wife was very similar stemming from her religious background and her Mom's attitude towards sex. She believed that good girls don't ever do that kind of stuff, and that sex is for procreation, not pleasure.

I think a good marriage counselor that is fluent in sexual matters would do wonders! (Someone like Dr. Laura Berman) It will take time to build her sexual self confidence up. I have been working towards this same goal for years, and am seeing lots of progress in my marriage. Some of it comes with maturity as well. 

I am sure others on TAM will give you lots of good advice. Remember to find a way to clearly communicate what you need sexually from her, and listen to what she needs from you. Remember, she can't read your mind, and you can't read hers. Communication is so important.

There are lots of people in the same boat with you. I feel your pain and wish you well!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would suggest this book for a teenage girl but in your case you wife may benefit from it:

Our Bodies, Ourselves: Boston Women's Health Book Collective, Judy Norsigian: 9781439190661: Amazon.com: Books


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## Rembrandt36 (Aug 29, 2013)

Man, I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Around our household we have made "duty sex" work really well for us. It is strictly doled out and we even have our calenders marked as to when and where it will happen. Obviously not for everyone.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rembrandt36 said:


> Man, I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Around our household we have made "duty sex" work really well for us. It is strictly doled out and we even have our calenders marked as to when and where it will happen. Obviously not for everyone.


No, this wouldn't work for a lot but I can see the merits in this. At the very least it keeps a bond from disintegrating while meeting basic needs. At best it forces open the door to honest dialog about sex, which is really hard for a lot of people.

You should start a thread and explain more about how you came to have this arrangement and where you hope/plan to go from there.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I am just a little surprised you married her knowing what she was like. Did you think she would change? People seldom do. 

Sounds like she needs a sex therapist. This is not normal behavior. Good luck to you, seems like you are in for a bumpy ride!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Oh man, duty sex....no thanks. Been there, and my wife still tries on a rare occasion and I'm just not into it. Feels like its just another chore for her, and that is a role I'm not playing


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## Rembrandt36 (Aug 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No, this wouldn't work for a lot but I can see the merits in this. At the very least it keeps a bond from disintegrating while meeting basic needs. At best it forces open the door to honest dialog about sex, which is really hard for a lot of people.
> 
> You should start a thread and explain more about how you came to have this arrangement and where you hope/plan to go from there.


I may have to do that! We have a very happy marriage because we took the spontinaity (yeah not spelled right) out of our sex life and have it on a calendar now. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Man you need to talk to your wife, i'm sorry for you. Tell her what you think and give a chance for her, if she doesn't do what you want, call for divorce.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lfortender said:


> Man you need to talk to your wife, i'm sorry for you. Tell her what you think and give a chance for her, if she doesn't do what you want, call for divorce.


:banghead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I never understood the "talk to your wife" suggestions when it comes to this subject. I mean really, you have to tell a living, breathing grown adult intelligent woman that as a man, you would like more than zero sex?


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I wonder how common this "her mother hated sex too" theme is. Sounds like my mother in law to a "T".


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Much like all the important things in life - it is quite difficult to change a person who has no desire to change.

I hear about many women who don't like sex - I don't hear about many that aren't interested in having orgasms. 

However, even if you could interest her in the orgasm it sounds as though her positions on the rest of sex are very static. It sounds as though it would take a major upset to shuffle things in her mind.

Are you prepared to accept this as your life (we can all hope your situation will change, that she will see the light - however this should not be counted on) or is it something you see yourself divorcing over?


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## Philnamehere (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks to all your input, folks. I am new to this 'board and thought that I would receive email notifications upon thread contributions...alas...

Unfortunately, I was not very well experienced in sex when we got serious. The level of interaction and attention, intimacy was not _perfect_ but I love/loved her and there was no indication that things would ever change for the worse. It was ok. I accepted that State of Normal.

I guess my love for her and the togetherness we had at the time and the sex life was something I was committed to accepting and I did without regrets...sure, we all fantasize about other situations. Flirting at work (w/women) with female cashiers, you name it - but never put myself in a position where I had to question myself if I would have acted on it.
But now, that question seems to be everpresent.
I guess the situation I am in is that I am no wallflower nor doormat but I am definitely the one that wants to bring up the dialogue, the air-clearing, the touching base, and the diplomacy. My wife must be from that French part that actually doesn't like nor is terribly gifted in matters of sex. 

I am not ready to toss away my marriage (pun not intended) but I don't think I am ready for ultimatums as I know that they will result in a sudden death of our marriage. 
I fantasize about being in a loving relationship where both members of the couple initiate (ok, not necessarily 50/50), where the woman enjoys and there is eager to have orgasms. This can be frustrating for the guy when it doesn't happen for her. At least it is for me. It's like it's only half done when it is all about me.  It is oddly unsatisfying mentally even though the physical release was achieved.

I think her fear about seeing a therapist, etc. is that too much of the truth will come out. But this is just from nonverbal signals I get from her. But there is definitely something tying her up inside because she basically told me after our second was born (a boy) that fellatio was off the market because she is conflicted about being close to her son and having her husband's penis in her mouth (to be blunt about it). 

BTW, our kids are 13 and 11. There is little chance that they will gain a healthy understanding of human sexuality from my wife so I am going to take the lead in these discussions.
Thank you all for those who took time to write, even the snarky ones as it is all food for thought.


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## Philnamehere (Aug 29, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I would suggest this book for a teenage girl but in your case you wife may benefit from it:
> 
> Our Bodies, Ourselves: Boston Women's Health Book Collective, Judy Norsigian: 9781439190661: Amazon.com: Books


Thank you. Unfortunately, our sex life issues are a _non-issue_ to my wife. She is not actively trying to learn or improve anything. If anything, it would be strictly an academic exercise that would not effect real change. When I have read books, discussed with good friends (male and female), the more I learn, the more I feel like I am genuinely missing something and I know that she will never "get it". If I am a crappy lover, fine, I can take it on the chin and take an active role in improving technique. But you know what? I am truly the one that will lovingly offer some guidance during lovemaking, talk through and ease her into trying things (to zero avail) and such - all without begging, pleading, and coming off as being selfish. But because she sees little if any pleasure in this, anything I suggest is - by default - improving _my_ experience there it is _me_ that is being selfish. And believe me, all I ask are variations on vanilla.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

I HATE duty sex. Almost right after we said "I do" the sex life tanked and I'm pretty sure the the 2 or 3 times a month we did have sex for the first few years were only duty sex. I've just complete stopped even trying for sex with my wife, I don't need duty sex with a starfish. I need making love with someone who cares about me and my needs.


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