# Why don't they see what they've done?



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I have been having a hard time the last few days.

I got cheated on emotionally and I did everything wrong in the aftermath. I am really unsure if cybersex is emotional infidelity or sexual infidelity so calling it an EA seems like its not as bad as it really is. I dont think there was a specific woman, so I can't even say if there was an OW. I guess there were several from what I saw, a whole harem to choose from. I was stunned and hurt and numb. Then angry and screaming and out of control.

It doesn't feel like nothing to me. Why are you doing that and then pretending to be a loving husband when I am at home? I feel destroyed by it. Then you all know what came next. Lying, blaming, gaslighting, the whole nine yards.

I finally got to a place where I couldn't take anymore. I left the house. I have tried everything, all wrong. I wish I had found this site a long time ago. I know I should just pull the plug but every time I think of divorcing I start crying. I don't know how to move on. He keeps saying he didn't want me to leave. It will all be my fault if I go forward and serve him. At this point I am not sure if I care if I get blamed anymore. Go ahead and blame me for throwing all those years away, even though I was the loyal one.

Why don't they see what they've done?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

:scratchheadrobably because at the time, it really didn't feel like a deal breaker to him. Just an almost adolescent adventure reminiscent of high school. Sort of a harmless flirtation.....a little ego polishing Nothing really serious in his eyes; surely nothing to worry about. Suddenly, *BOOM!!!*I'm not sure how involved your hubby was in the EA, but obviously it was a big deal to you. Has he been remorseful and desperately trying to make it up to you, wanting to keep your marriage going? I'm sure in his wildest dreams he didn't think that it would come to this. . . losing his wife! I'm sure that he's suffering and shocked at the outcome. Sometimes we guys do unthinking, horrible, mind-blowing, unbelievably STUPID things and then when it all hits home, we don't know what to do or how to fix it. Remembering the good years, is this man worth trying to reconcile, or are you so hurt and disgusted that you're ready to chuck it and move on? Ultimately, the ball is in your court.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

He was involved enough to destroy the pc to keep me from finding out how far down the rabbit hole he'd gone.

This happened a while ago. Then we were in false R. Pretend remorse I guess, because it didn't last and our intimate life has never been restored.

I left home because he spent most of his days avoiding me, as I had turned into an emotional mess. I had to leave to get my sanity back. I have been staying with family, looking for work. But I have to go home and deal with my life on the 1st.

I made the 3rd round for a really good job. All we do is fight when I am home and I can't get a job when I spend all my days feeling and looking like crap. I feel so much better not being ignored or blamed. I have been productive, got myself together and worked hard to pull myself out of this depression. 

But every time I think of "us", I get angry. Very angry.

So I focus on what I can do, which is take care of myself and hope he does the same.

He's probably just having a free for all now that I am not around. Its just so disheartening.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I apologize. I didn't know your full story. From what you've said, it doesn't sound promising. I wish you good luck in what you have to do.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

LWC,

You are doing the right thing. Focus on yourself so you can be the best you. Work on being sane and healthy.

He might be fvcking the entire state but who cares. He is not your problem so let it go and detach.

He is blaming you and being passive aggressive. He is doing is because he is either a sociopath or he cannot face the guilt that he feels and has to blame you to make himself feel better. My EX does that to me to this day. That may never end so take steps to not let it get to you. 

I am so sorry you are here. I wish you the best.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

They don't see what they've done because they don't want to.

Sorry, but immature people don't want to look at the car wreck they created. They avert their gaze.

This guy is gonna say whatever he thinks he an shovel up at you that may fool you into trusting him one more time.

Men use words, because women eat them up, and they are free.

Don't listen to his words. His behavior demonstrates his character. Look at that and put him in your rear view mirror.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

He has disconnected from you. Think of it like a dopehead's addiction to crack. They know it is wrong and their actions will hurt the people who love them, but affairs are like crack..addictive.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I just left because I know I need to focus on not being a mess anymore. Our 10th wedding anniversary is in less than 2 weeks. Its bringing me back down. We always planned on having a big party so my family could celebrate with us because they couldn't be there for our wedding.

We made no plans because we have been dealing with the fallout from this because I haven't been able to get past this.

Our deal was that I was going to be gone for the month of March so I could focus on getting back to work. He said it was OK if thats what I felt I needed but its not what he wanted. 

I go back home to have dinner with him on April Fools Day. I don't even know what I am going to say except I never want to go back to the way we were living before.

I am still in love with him but can't get past the anger. Its taking me a long time to get through the stages. I stayed in disbelief and shock for a while, then pleading, then.......just pitiful behavior. Like I said, I did everything wrong.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

This is normal human behavior for a person who hasn't experienced betrayal on this level before, you are certainly not alone. It did it (begging, pleading)... several times over several months. I couldn't help it. 

To get past the anger you will need to GAL (Get a life) do things that don't involve him. Things that will make you happy and a better person. This is the advice members gave me several months ago and it does work eventually.



LostWifeCrushed said:


> I am still in love with him but can't get past the anger. Its taking me a long time to get through the stages. I stayed in disbelief and shock for a while, then pleading, then.......just pitiful behavior. Like I said, I did everything wrong.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

They minimize it... and think you went overboard.

Stay the course. I think with EA's in particular they try to justify.

One thing that helps is closure... that chapter is over we have moved on.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

I sympathize with you. I have no remorse or regard from my H and I have to wonder is he even human. I had the added benefit of his ow coming to my home and he still isn't getting it. 

The 180 is a life saver for me the detachment and GAL as someone put it is putting h on the defense. He told me he doesn't want any further contact like he is going to give me a taste of my own medicine so to speak. little does he know its fuel to lead me even more towards the 180 and no R.

Try to be strong. I am here if need to talk


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

BTW, he's a member here. We even had a thread together not too long ago, but it was painful and he doesn't post anymore.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

I agree, I don't think they want to honestly see what the choices they made caused in damage to their marriage, family and partner. 

They prefer to call it a mistake, or they don't know how it happened, or it JUST happened, it was an accident ... such dribble. It was loose or no boundaries, selfishness and sometimes entitlement.

It was a train wreck that they were driving down the tracks as fast as possible. Now they have to gas-light and minimize to be able to deal with what they did. Sad thing is, nothing heals until they realize that they made decisions to make it happen. The work comes when they have to figure out what inside them made it ok to make the decisions that ended up damaging all of the things they love in live. 

I wish you luck


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

thummper said:


> I apologize. I didn't know your full story. From what you've said, it doesn't sound promising. I wish you good luck in what you have to do.


I'm unsure about OP's story too but from what has been said here it doesn't sound too hopeless.

He wants her home, he doesn't have an OW but many online sexting.
Unless he's an online stud he's probably working web cam girls.

There's probably no emotional attachment so if she wants her marriage it sounds like it's there for the taking.

As she says, she just has to make him see what he's doing.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

But 

They *DO* see what they've done - but it's about self preservation

For the cheat, if they are genuinely remorseful, so rare, at the very start of dday - you get a tears you get a UAP, full on unconditional remorse repentance and a need to atone from day one 

But 95% of the waywards are not. Upon discovery they are in bubble protect fog mode.

It's about protection and the only way to do that is to deflect and justify.

"I'm sorry BUT" is the biggest tell tale phrase followed by various incarnations of "you made me do it" - That is their 'out' their 'free card' 

Then as mstbx shows, you get small windows of collapse and inner honest when they fall at your feet and show genuine remorse for an hour or two, (which is why you know they do deep down KNOW exactly what they have done) but faced with a lifetime of inner pain, they choose to throw it back to you because that of course is the much easier way to deal with it

So they do see what they have done

______

When did you see a wayward spouse screaming "OMG I just never knew/saw what I was doing"

They all know what they are doing.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I'm unsure about OP's story too but from what has been said here it doesn't sound to hopeless.
> 
> He wants her home, he doesn't have an OW but many online sexting.
> Unless he's an online stud he's probably working web cam girls.
> ...


I have followed their thread and frankly can't see anything to save. 

He's a compulsive insidious blame shifter, who's quite clever about how he justified himself, blame shifted, nomatter that it was ripping her to shreds daily and when he came on here and started getting some serious 'advice' didn't like what he read and started having a go back at people on here!....then bailed out ! 

Because of the depth of real life experience on here he realized he was never going to get out of jail free and ran.

Trouble is for him (like mstbx) he also found that 'crushed' had changed, that what she put up with before she now no longer wouldn't.

I found mstbx started to want me back when I lost my desperation for her to be back with me, my indifference took the power away from her

They should divorce imo


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

thummper said:


> I apologize. I didn't know your full story. From what you've said, it doesn't sound promising. I wish you good luck in what you have to do.


Its OK, I have often thought of it in the way you described. No other woman, no physical affair, etc.

But the point is, he opened himself up to connecting with other women online. It wasn't paid cam girls that I found, it was other people hooking up for free. "Let's chat and masturbate together!" was the tagline on that site. That doesn't even come close to porn in my eyes.

So what would have happened if he did find someone he liked on there? Someone from our city? What would the outcome have been for me then?

Look, I know its embarrassing for him, but its my husband and my life, how am I supposed to deal with it?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DeterminedToThrive said:


> I agree, I don't think they want to honestly see what the choices they made caused in damage to their marriage, family and partner.
> 
> They prefer to call it a mistake, or they don't know how it happened, or it JUST happened, it was an accident ... such dribble. It was loose or no boundaries, selfishness and sometimes entitlement.
> 
> ...


This is exactly it, he won't address what inside of him made him think this was OK to do and still stay married to me.

I guess its because he knew I loved him and I guess he thinks that means I will just put up with anything.

He also didnt think I would ever find out. So it just makes me sad. That he would do it and then be sweet to my face.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I'm unsure about OP's story too but from what has been said here it doesn't sound to hopeless.
> 
> He wants her home, he doesn't have an OW but many online sexting.
> Unless he's an online stud he's probably working web cam girls.
> ...


Yeah, thats the sad part. no OW (yet) but he was well on his way to meeting one. Like I said, what would have happened to me if he HAD met someone he liked? And why destroy my computer over it, if it was so innocent? We have been going round and round and it seems like he is saying I keep bringing up the past, but we have NEVER DEALT WITH THE TRUTH.

I want to get past it, I want to have closure, but I can't because even last month he got frustrated and said, "So what, I went to porn sites while my wife slept, Big deal!"

He doesn't seem to realize that live women+sexual contact+not your spouse=CHEATING


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> But
> 
> They *DO* see what they've done - but it's about self preservation
> 
> ...


Which is why they hide it and destroy evidence.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I have followed their thread and frankly can't see anything to save.
> 
> He's a compulsive insidious blame shifter, who's quite clever about how he justified himself, blame shifted, nomatter that it was ripping her to shreds daily and when he came on here and started getting some serious 'advice' didn't like what he read and started having a go back at people on here!....then bailed out !
> 
> ...


Yeah, it was really hard to take. I was so disappointed. I had been on the boards taking the heat for a long time for all my part in this mess and he couldn't even do it for ONE month with me.

I've been here for 2 years! Trying to get support and insight and understanding. I can see my part, I can see now how horrible the fighting was. 

The thing is, there would have been healing by now if he had tried to save the marriage, but he basically just tolerated my pain and then started dishing out the silent treatment every time I got upset. It was an awful way to live. For everyone involved.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

*Let's chat and masturbate together!*

This is what broke my heart.

That he calls this porn.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I dont care how embarrassing it is for him anymore. 

He's not the one who found me doing that.

And his excuse was, I didnt hook up my webcam. Well once you destroy the computer, how the he!! am I supposed to know that!

I saw his sessions going there for months and he acts like what I saw wasn't real or something.

I dont know how to go forward in this marriage.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OK, ok....o...k....

Well just talking about it puts me right back to feeling lost. I was doing so well....maybe if he started talking about it I would be able to finally let it go.

Still have to go home tomorrow. Still need to keep doing what I can to start making money again. I just don't want to go home to our old life. 

Working on my portfolio and interviewing has made me see how depressed I was. How much I was just a mess as a person. I want to heal up. All the way.

I want to be done being lost. And crushed.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

It takes time to heal. 

It seems that you need a different outlook on life.

Change your surroundings and your perspective.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> It takes time to heal.
> 
> It seems that you need a different outlook on life.
> 
> Change your surroundings and your perspective.


Thanks moving. I know you are right about this. I have done that....left the house, got my stuff together for work and went camping...staying with family....it has made all the difference.

But going home and seeing him today has brought all this back to the forefront of my mind. And its a milestone wedding anniversary on the 8th....so its very hard because of that I guess.

And I miss him. I just don't miss the way we were living.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP,

I know how you feel. My h had an affair at our 27 year in our marriage. He felt very bad for being caught. Scared and remorseful in that sense. 

He tortured me with guilt that our marriage vows should stand the test of time. He really believe my love for him would get us through his affair !!!! 

He showed sorrow, sadness, guilt, but that true remorse just was soooo hard to really come to me. He did all...and still doing so what he thinks it enough, but that remorse that I need is still not 100% there, but the crazy thing is, he been trying now going on 3 yrs, and has never back down or said hell give up...

-sammy


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