# Am I being selfish here?



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

6 months from dday and R is going as well as it possibly can. My 40th bday is coming up soon and the weekend of I'm reluctantly spending out of town to celebrate something for her brother.

We arent that close to him, needless to say they wouldnt be coming to me if it was a celebration for me. I'm not looking forward to it all all considering the very long drive, the hassle with kids and pets, and the fact that i'll be spending my 40th bday somewhere I dont want to be.

When it comes down to it, I'll come out and just say it, my wife should make this first birthday one to remember. I'm a bit upset that I will be somewhere I dont want to be not matter how much of a spin she wants to put on it. That weekend should be all about me, not her brother. Yes, I know thats incredibly selfish, but I'm doing something in my life right now thats so incredibly unselfish that I deserve to be happy on my bday.

I've already told everyone I'm going since I was pretty much pressured into it. I just dont want to go. I'd even take spending it away from my wife if it meant me not going.

Am I being childish here? Is it so bad to want something to be all about me after giving so much for everyone else? Just wanted to get some opinions on what others would do.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Birthday's are hard. You always feel like they aren't special enough. Maybe talk to your wife and ask her to celebrate your birthday a weekend earlier or something. That you really want to feel appreciated because this one is a big one. Life and marriage and reconciliation is full of compromise.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think that's selfish at all and then taking into consideration what you've been through w/her I definitely don't think you're selfish.I think it's selfish of your wife to expect you to be miserable on your birthday. But then again,I'm a hard ass and expect a LOT from people bc I give a LOT to them in return.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I guess because I'm Southern I have feels for family pressure


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Here is what is bothering me.

She knows I dont want to go, even though I've tried to find the silver lining. She knows if she told me we werent going, i would be ecstatic.

I always look at things and compare them to how I would be. If I were her, I would say to my brother, "Sorry I cant make it because I need to do something special that weekend". I definitely would not drag her somewhere I know she doesnt want to be, regardless of how good I think I can make it.

Thing is, I'm not a birthday guy. Birthdays have always been just another day, no big deal, I dont wanna do anything special. This one is different and its got nothing to do with age. Maybe I'm looking at it as she should go all out considering what she did. Maybe i'm just a bit upset that she is trying to make the best for both of us instead of just focusing on me. 

That makes me feel like i'm being selfish and childish. Maybe I am, but I sacrificed so much when I decided to stay. I sacrificed my personal beliefs, I sacrificed myself, and I do those still on a daily basis. I just cant believe its bothering me as much as it does.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> I guess because I'm Southern I have feels for family pressure


possibly or you're just a person who was raised with the belief that family comes above every thing else. 

I wasn't raised like that so my answer will naturally be geared toward making the central part of the family happy rather than worrying about the extended portion. I consider everyone other than my son and my husband extended family


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Here is what is bothering me.
> 
> She knows I dont want to go, even though I've tried to find the silver lining. She knows if she told me we werent going, i would be ecstatic.
> 
> ...


Others might disagree with me but I feel there really does come a time when even the most selfless person needs to look out for what they want and need. IMO,now is that time for you. It isn't childish to feel this way at all. To go and hate it the whole time would be childish and unproductive to the whole R process.

ETA: There is a fine line between realizing you've sacrificed,wanting her to do her fair share of sacrifice too and holding her mistake over her head forever. If you're going to stay home,explain your decision clearly and explain your expectations to her.But realize that in the future,you're going to have to make more sacrifices like you would in a normal marriage.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> But realize that in the future,you're going to have to make more sacrifices like you would in a normal marriage.


Oh I do still sacrifice. Not as blindly as I did before dday, but I still do things I dont want to so she can be happy. If it didnt fall on my bday weekend, I would reluctantly go and try to make the best of it.

The city he lives in is a pretty cool city and it would be cool to celebrate there, but not this time.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I think she should still be bending over to meet your needs. I flat out wouldn't go and if she insists on going, then maybe R is not going as well as you think, at least if you are feeling as strongly about this as your post suggests.

I would phrase a conversation like "my 40th B day should be more important to my family than BIL"


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i think you shouldn't go at all.
its gonna breed resentment...


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> 6 months from dday and R is going as well as it possibly can. My 40th bday is coming up soon and the weekend of I'm reluctantly spending out of town to celebrate something for her brother.
> 
> We arent that close to him, needless to say they wouldnt be coming to me if it was a celebration for me. I'm not looking forward to it all all considering the very long drive, the hassle with kids and pets, and the fact that i'll be spending my 40th bday somewhere I dont want to be.
> 
> ...


What if you spun it the other way and instead of being miserable about not wanting to go somewhere...you get to go on a road trip with your wonderful wife, and take an adventure for your 40th birthday? Tweaking your perspective a little will make a world of difference so that you're not so up in arms about going. What could you potentially get out of going away for your 40th? Is there something you could learn from the people you're going to be around? Will you get some quality one on one time with your wife in the car on the drive there? 

Changing the way you view things might make a huge difference in how you experience and remember your 40th birthday.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

What exactly is her brother celebrating?

If it's a biggie family occasion like, say, a Silver Wedding then I can see the dilemma.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

lucyloo said:


> What if you spun it the other way and instead of being miserable about not wanting to go somewhere...you get to go on a road trip with your wonderful wife, and take an adventure for your 40th birthday? Tweaking your perspective a little will make a world of difference so that you're not so up in arms about going. What could you potentially get out of going away for your 40th? Is there something you could learn from the people you're going to be around? Will you get some quality one on one time with your wife in the car on the drive there?
> 
> Changing the way you view things might make a huge difference in how you experience and remember your 40th birthday.


10 hour drive one way with 2 kids, 2 in laws, 3 dogs.....the means dont justify the end


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Since you already made a commitment OP, stick with it.

Learn from it, next time be honest with yourself and your SO about how you feel about this sort of thing.

I know you were just trying to be nice when you accepted/agreed to it, but look where that got you?

Lesson learned


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Just playing devil's advocate. 

Is it possible your wife has a celebration planned for YOU and this trip to visit her brother is just a ruse? Or perhaps there is a celebration for you and for him since everyone will be together? 

If not, then I am on your side. I don't think you are being selfish at all for wanting to do what you want on your birthday. It doesn't matter if they didn't mean much in prior years. The important thing is how you feel about it this year!


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> Oh I do still sacrifice. Not as blindly as I did before dday, but I still do things I dont want to so she can be happy. If it didnt fall on my bday weekend, I would reluctantly go and try to make the best of it.
> 
> The city he lives in is a pretty cool city and it would be cool to celebrate there, but not this time.


Hawx, dude, you said you'd go, now go fgs. And not reluctantly either. 

If I were her, you refusing to go now or being all kinds of passive agressive about it, would pi$$ me off bigtime.

It's a cool town, get out there and have some fun! Bday or not! :smthumbup:

Btw: IrishGirl might be right, and if she isn't, make sure they know it's your Bday and you may be in for a pleasant surprise or at least some good fun!

And oh yeah, maybe make some arrangements for the dogs (and the kids?) If that makes your trip more enjoyable.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It sure doesn't sound like you have read MMSLP. It is linked to below and also available at amazon. At least go and read the reviews. Ringing your hands over this shouldn't even be a consideration.

If you said you would go, man up, do it and have a good time.

Read mmslp and the next time you will know before hand how to react.

The worse thing you can do now is act like a hurt beta male. You can be cheerful and still let her know she effed up.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I dunno Chap, he could just decide to go fishing for fathers day and take his kids. That would be an alternative as well. She is welcome if she wants to go.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My wife and I are flexible on Birthdays and Anniversaries. We do not let anything spoil the celebration. We may just celebrate on a different day.
Maybe some cards and such on the day. But we then truly celebrate when we have quaility time.

Now you have mitigating circumstances. So I am hearing that turning 40 has some special meaning for you. Ok ... fine. If you say so. I guess I can edcue that she cheated on you. You are now feeling minimized further. Check.

I do not know your situation but basically if I did not want to go and I expected her to celebrate with me I would tell her so. This really has nothing to do with her brother. I say don't go. If she goes without you, you know where you are.

What is going down for her brother? Is he getting married or something?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> It sure doesn't sound like you have read MMSLP. It is linked to below and also available at amazon. At least go and read the reviews. Ringing your hands over this shouldn't even be a consideration.
> 
> If you said you would go, man up, do it and have a good time.
> 
> ...


I have read it. First, I was put on the spot when it was brought up. In the end, I'm probably going to go and will try to have a good time. I told everyone I'm going and I stick to my word.

I guess the problem is my wife really wants to go and is using the city as an excuse instead of seeing what I really want to do. In other words, shes talking about celebrating over there as a cool way to have a birthday as an excuse because she really wants to go instead of doing/asking what I really want.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> 10 hour drive one way with 2 kids, 2 in laws, 3 dogs.....the means dont justify the end


Don't go.

Last year I had been waiting for a vacation. Totally burned out. What I wanted was a getaway with my wife.

She started to plan a 22 hour trip from DFW to Florida. But she wanted to be home for Christmas to celebrate with our daughter.

I told her the only way I would do this kind of a trip would be if we stopped along the way and enjoyed the trip. That while I enjoyed seeing relatives, spending this kind of effort on the road was not the qaulity time I wanted with her. She wanted to drive and drive. Flop and drive some more. 

I finally told her that my reason for going on the trip was to be with her. So there was no point in me going at all in this case. I was not passive agressive. I just told her what I wanted. I told her to fly out to see her relatives, rent a car and enjoy. I just made it clear that this time I needed a different kind of vacation. I was not mean about it. I was not being childish. Also I was on heavy anti-biotics leading up to this. Whole other story. But I was not up for a long trip.

Later that day she said we could use the time and go somewhere together if that is what I was really wanting. So we looked at a few options. Decided driving a few hours to San Antonio. We had a fabulois week. This is what I wanted. She had a wonderful time as well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> I have read it. First, I was put on the spot when it was brought up. In the end, I'm probably going to go and will try to have a good time. I told everyone I'm going and I stick to my word.
> 
> I guess the problem is my wife really wants to go and is using the city as an excuse instead of seeing what I really want to do. In other words, shes talking about celebrating over there as a cool way to have a birthday as an excuse because she really wants to go instead of doing/asking what I really want.


Giving your word is fine, but there is nothing wrong with changing your mind.

Again, I think you are being too passive here. State your needs. Stop worrying about feeling childish. The issue I see here is as much on you as anyone else.
Set your boundaries.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

You're not being selfish. You're also not being very masculine. Hear me out, I'll do my best to go easy - I had my own little bout of masculinity issues a while back and I know hearing people tell you to just "man up" is not helpful when you're in that rut. So I'll try to illustrate it so you can see what I'm seeing, and certainly what your wife is seeing.

The problem starts with you saying you felt "pressured" into going. Who is the leader in your relationship? Who wears the pants? 

When a man (or a leader, male or female) does something, he does it with conviction. He makes a firm decision one way or the other. He makes it based upon his own values, which include respect and love for those who have earned it. He does not feel "pressured" by anyone. He lives by his own terms. Again, those terms include consideration for those he loves and respects, if he is a quality man. 

But there is no feeling of "pressure" from anyone. You make up your own mind and you are confident in your reasoning. Period. No wishy-washy, no arguing, no backpedaling, no second-guessing. Make it, own it, and move on.

And you did make up your mind. Trouble is, your actions did not follow your mind. You did not want to go. That was your decision as a man. But you allowed others to dictate your actions which were contrary to your internal decision. Thus, you feel the way you do now. And your negative, unconfident demeanor will show through to everyone, making you look even weaker. It's a losing proposition for you all the way around.

What's more, you were expecting your wife to just "know better", she "knows you". No. That's YOUR job for HER. YOU, as her MAN, know her and show her that you know her. When it comes to YOU, be direct about your expectations and point of view with her. Don't play feminine unless you want to be treated feminine. Think about it. Your quietly going along, seething inside, upset because she should have known better. You know when a man asks his woman "what's wrong" and she says "nothing" - but you know something is wrong? And you keep pushing, and finally she starts whining and complaining about something you did wrong because you should have "known better"? You are behaving like the woman right now! 

Again I'm NOT trying to be mean, I'm trying to illustrate how your actions are coming off. If even I can see it this way, you KNOW your wife sees it this way. You do not want your wife to view you this way. You want her to see you as a confident, fearless, stand up man. 

You are reacting out of fear. You are afraid to say how you really feel. That is a turnoff to everyone and anyone. You must begin focusing on YOU and rebuilding yourself as a man. Rediscover your masculinity, or if you never had much, start studying on it. In time you feel much more natural in your own skin and you will have a much more satisfying life.

I don't know your back story, but the fact that you are in "reconciliation" - due to her transgressions I'm assuming - means you have some responsibility to be the best you can be too. That means standing up for yourself. 

Cripes man, 40 is a big one - you only get one shot! Do what YOU want to do! Fvck everyone else, you're turning 40, man! Don't apologize for it, if they don't respect you enough to see how big this is to you, then they're azzholes anyways and you don't need people like that in your life. 

You know what I did for mine? I booked my OWN vacation to where I wanted to go, planned my own activities, considered and included some awesome stuff my wife would like to do with me too (including something just for her), because I care for her. But it was not her vacation of choice. She wasn't very excited about it. There were a hundred other places she'd rather go especially for the money I was spending on it. But it wasn't her 40th b-day, it was mine. I invited her of course and expected her to go, she's my wife, but if she would have refused to go...she would have missed out. I would have taken someone else.

I hope this helps. No fear. No apologies. Be decisive, come from a place of love and respect, but love and respect yourself first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> I have read it. First, I was put on the spot when it was brought up. In the end, I'm probably going to go and will try to have a good time. I told everyone I'm going and I stick to my word.
> 
> I guess the problem is my wife really wants to go and is using the city as an excuse instead of seeing what I really want to do. In other words, shes talking about celebrating over there as a cool way to have a birthday as an excuse because she really wants to go instead of doing/asking what I really want.


Again, look at the second part of your post there and consider what I said above. That's a very feminine point of view. As a man you should be clear, direct and firm.

As for sticking to your word, yes when you are behaving masculine that's a proper trait. But you weren't. Your decision was made hastily and out of fear (pressure, on the spot).

I don't see anything wrong with saying "you know what, it's my 40th b-day, and that's very important to me. I've decided to do something special for myself. I'm going to do "x" Wife, I'd love if you came along and enjoyed this milestone with me, it would mean the world to me. But if not, I'll find someone else to enjoy it with. Apologies for cancelling those other plans, I just wasn't thinking straight. I respect so and so, but this is far more important to me."

THEN stick to your word. And if she goes, don't put up with any nonsense or negativity from her. She's either all the way in, enthusiastically, or you're taking someone else you know you'll have fun with, a brother or friend or something. I'd make myself clear about expecting her to be enthusiastic too. If she gives any indication of being a bummer or in a crummy mood about it, tell her straight up that if she isn't sharing your enthusiasm during your outing, you do not want her there. Say it calmly, firmly, non-emotionally. Respect her decision and move forward with or without her. Enjoy YOU. Make the most out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Still haven't told us what the family event is yet. Is it a wedding, big family reunion or something that "outranks" a birthday.

I think this weighs heavy in the calculus of whether this is selfish or not. If you haven't stated your preference and it's a big family occasion, you can't expect her to be a mind reader. If it's a minor family deal, you could be somewhat justified in your resentment (even though you're not dealing with it properly.)

Context provides us more clues.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> I sacrificed so much when I decided to stay. I sacrificed my personal beliefs, I sacrificed myself, and I do those still on a daily basis. I just cant believe its bothering me as much as it does.


Tell her exactly this.

You can't R if you aren't 100% honest with each other.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> 10 hour drive one way with 2 kids, 2 in laws, 3 dogs.....the means dont justify the end


Oh, hell no! There's sacrificing and then there's climbing onto the horse, putting the noose around your own neck & hollering 'getty up'.

Tell her you've reconsidered and you can't do it. End of story.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's troubling that you're not willing to put your foot down and do what you want for your birthday.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

justtryin said:


> You're not being selfish. You're also not being very masculine.





> It's troubling that you're not willing to put your foot down and do what you want for your birthday.


I think we are split down the middle!

I am not a big birthday guy, either. I would probably go, but. . . 

are you upset because, less than a year later,(and two-three since other troubles appeared?) your wife can't seem to understand that you really don't want to go to this thing, and she's not considering your own birthday (40 is kind of big. I played Pebble Beach.)

Did I also read a comment from you (I'm not stalking you, I promise) that her brother has cheated on his wife? Do you really need to put yourself through this?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How many times will you have to be betrayed before you stop letting your wife run rough shod over you? Think about it. Once obviously wasn't enough. But there must be some number of times that will eventually cause you to pull your balls out of her purse and live your life the way you want to. So, how many times?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How many times will you have to be betrayed before you stop letting your wife run rough shod over you? Think about it. Once obviously wasn't enough. But there must be some number of times that will eventually cause you to *pull your balls out of her purse *and live your life the way you want to. So, how many times?


Was going to click on the 'like' button but didn't want to gang up on the guy. Now that *that's* out of the way, you do have a way with a phrase.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What is it that her brother will be celebrating? If it's his marriage, then I would say that a family wedding should probably take precedence over a 40th birthday. Other than that, though, you have every right to celebrate your birthday as you please.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

Look at first post again. He said they would not come for him, if they were celebrating something for him. So obviously it's not terribly important...or even if it was, the respect isn't there. So to put it bluntly, fvck them. This is a no-brainer.

I'm not a big "birthday" guy either, I usually don't give a rats ass. But 40 has a social stigma attached to it, you want to make it a memorable experience, something to talk about. Not sitting around sulking with people who don't respect you.

I will add one little caveat though. Is it possible she's trying to arrange a surprise for you?

Still, I would not bank on it and set yourself up for a huge disappointment. I'd still suggest my course of action and do your own thing, inviting her if she chooses. 
Worse case, you ruin your surprise. So what. Only women & kids like surprises anyways. 
Best case, you find out she really went all out just for you and had your interests exclusively in mind the whole time. 
Most likely case, you stand up for yourself as a man and go make your own awesome experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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