# Please help me



## mike ray (Jan 30, 2011)

I have been married nearly 8 years and have been with her just over ten years. I love my wife and have devoted every aspect of our life to her. I got with her when she was 16 and i was 18 mainly at first because she had a baby from another man and he was a freaking dead beat and I couldn't let her and her boy be on the street. Needless to say it quickly grew and after we got married I even had the boys last name changed. Hell he is more like me then my own two kids lol.

Recently her best friend who just got out of a bad marriage needed a place to stay so we agreed to let her stay here for a few months. I think that was the tipping point. Her friend likes to go out to bars with all her single girl friends and now my wife is doing the same. Basically since we said she could move in my wife completely started ignoring me. Now she says she doesn't know whats wrong and didn't realize what she was doing but the damage has been done.

I finally broke the silence with her this past Wednesday and had a talk. Her stance is that I just need to give her time to fix herself cause she doesn't like to tell others how she feels. My stance is that we are freaking married which means we should share those feelings with each other no matter if they hurt or not. So anyway we have that talk and I get my hopes up that we would continue to work on things that night but no instead she goes out with all those girls to the bar staying out till 4am again. Also am I wrong having asked her how many of those friends where in a committed relationship and then expressing my dislike in the fact that NONE of them are.

I don't mind my wife going out hell she needs it but 4am for one thing is a bit much and it hurt that she would put that in front of working on me and her. 

Ok so the next day she is still ignoring me but I hold out hope that if I lay in bed maybe she will lay with me and talk but instead she takes the alarm to the living room and sleeps there.

This is killing me. Everyday I feel plain out empty inside. Me, i don't have anyone to talk to about this cause my friends when we got together was not the best group of people so I broke ties with them all and never bothered making new friends cause I had the one person I wanted to talk to but now I have no one.
I'm not a suicidal person but I be damned if those thoughts haven't hit me every night for the past week or two.

I need any advice on what to do cause I am at the point of moving out but it hurts so bad to think this could all fall apart without me really knowing why.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I had to learn this the hard way - a home is only big enough for one family. That's it.
1. Get rid of the room mate. Do it as soon as possible.
2. If your wife balks at that, then tell her that it is either you or the roomie.
3. tel your wife that there are some problems between the two of you and that you need to talk and work them out.

You're in a marriage, not a frat house.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Hate to say it but she's getting that single life she's missed for 10 years. She's probably now hooking up with a guy or several. 

So - next time she makes a move to go out until all hours, you hit the door first. Who is watching the kids? You not there, she has to watch the kids. 

Is the bad influence GF still there too? Get her the heck out of of your home. 

You need to investigate fully what the heck else is going on. Do she have parents or siblings that can help influence her in the right direction?

And DO NOT MOVE OUT!

As DanF says - if she balks - then she's out too!


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## mike ray (Jan 30, 2011)

I will not kick my wife out period. Ill move out first. We have three kids and I would rather then have to deal with daddy moving out than daddy kicking mommy out. And im a sucker this friend has 4 kids so there is little chance I could bring myself to kick her out either. Im just screwed. I packed all my clothes hopeing that would shock my wife into realizing this is real but so far nothing and if she cares so little to let me leave then its over. Im just losing it a little more each day. Maybe i should of been one of those guys who cheated on his wife at least then ide have someone to talk to and releive my stress.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

It will not help your case by YOU moving out. 

Is this friend going out to all hours with her? If so who in the heck is watching the 7 or so kids? Would that be you Mr Sucker? 

Still - investigate all you can. Is she out now? Call her and tell her to get home now. If she refuses - take her key and lock the door. 

She needs the wake up call and you moving out is not it. If she does have someone new (I'm betting on it) then she will just move that jack-hole in the house effectively replacing you. 

Then where will you be? Out of the house and without your kids!!!!

Get over to Affaircare or Marriagebuilders.com as well. Good info on relationships and what to do when they are broken.

4 kids or not (the friend) start making plans to get her out. You do not run a perpetual charity. I'm all for helping those in needs but you don't need a sponge that is also a bad influence on your own family.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

mike ray said:


> I will not kick my wife out period. Ill move out first. We have three kids and I would rather then have to deal with daddy moving out than daddy kicking mommy out. And im a sucker this friend has 4 kids so there is little chance I could bring myself to kick her out either. Im just screwed. I packed all my clothes hopeing that would shock my wife into realizing this is real but so far nothing and if she cares so little to let me leave then its over. Im just losing it a little more each day. Maybe i should of been one of those guys who cheated on his wife at least then ide have someone to talk to and releive my stress.


What makes a party animal Mommy worth more than a responsible Daddy?
Why are you responsible for another woman's 4 kids?
Come on, Mike!
Your wife and her friend know that you won't do a thing and you are confirming that here.
Your wife has correctly assumed that you would take the doormat role in response to her new "lifestyle".
You need to make a stand and you need to do it now.


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## mike ray (Jan 30, 2011)

I just dont know if i could do that if i wanted to. How do I hurt someone I love so much? Also wife isnt a party animal she only goes out on wednesdays but what hurt me was she would do that knowing i wanted to work on us.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Take a stand MIKE!

Yes it feels like you're being the bad guy - but you are being a doormat!

She knows it and the friend knows it too!!

She's not even thinking about hurting you. She doesn't care at this point. You need to find out why! Investigate - check phone records. Have a friend tail her or something..


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I suspect you think/know it's probably over. Sounds like your wife is making up for the single years she missed when she was younger. She may feel that she can have both now, the single life with the friend, going to bars, etc. and have you waiting at home to provide her with security. But this is not fair to you and if your wife won't make a choice then you need to, and it sounds like you did that by packing your bags. Unfortunately, I think you will have to move out and then see if she realizes what she's lost. But you need to be prepared that she may decide she likes being single better. 

You sound like a good guy, maybe too good. Not many guys would take in the wife's girlfriend and her kids! I suspect your wife said it was temporary but she had no intention of having her friend ever move out. It is difficult, and mentally I do know what you are going through as I have been in a really bad situation myself. Not sure what your financial/insurance situation is, but if I were you I would go to counseling. I go now, I tried to get husband to go but he won't, but I find it helps me a lot. You also sound like me in that you don't have friends to turn to and neither did I, which is why I think you need a counselor even more. You will have someone to talk to and can get an objective opinion. Also, if you are having feelings of hurting yourself the counselor can get you anti-depressants and believe me they do help. 

I am sorry you are in this situation, you really deserve better. It sounds like she is just taking advantage of you; she knows you are kind-hearted and she is betting on that fact and knows you won't throw her or her friend out so she can just continue with her bad behavior with no consequence. Maybe she will come to her senses when you move out, but you have to realize that may not happen and that is where a counselor can help you get through this.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Mike -we're not trying to trash you here. 

We're trying to get you to see a little clearer. You being all nice and being a doormat is exactly what your wife is counting on. She may not know it consciously but she knows it. 

Give her a taste of reality.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Ok - how about this Mike - do you have a place to stay for a couple of nights? A friend, parents, hotel anything...

If so, then go right after work Do not contact her!!! If she calls, ignore it. Then come home like everything is fine the next day. Do not respond when she asks where you've been. Do you think that might wake her up?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Two weeks notice and a moving van.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

mike ray said:


> I just dont know if i could do that if i wanted to. How do I hurt someone I love so much? Also wife isnt a party animal she only goes out on wednesdays but what hurt me was she would do that knowing i wanted to work on us.


keep thinking this way and you will lose her.
i was a party animal before getting married young and i will say being out until 4am is not good for someone who is married.
she will eventually mess up,get in trouble,cheat.it WILL lead to the ruin of your marriage.
ok she only goes out on wensday,fine,but she needs to be home when the bars close 1am.then you need to go out to until 1am one night a week to,even if you just go sit in your car to read,(do let her know that)let her see how it feels.
have another talk with her,be stern and tell her you will not tolorate the all night partying and her behavior and her disrespecting you and the marriage.tell her her options are to stop the things that are hurting you and work on the marriage or she should make other arrangments on were she wants to go.
do not leave.let her.you leaving will not make her relize anything,her leaving without her children will.
i agree with everyone telling you to have the friend move out,you dont have to kick her out but tell her that your marriage is having troubles and it would be best if she has another place to go in two weeks.
this friend doesnt seem to be respecting you or your marriage.
if you do not do the things your advised to do,you will lose her.
and if you do the things advised and she wants to leave,i bet she will be back when she DOES relize what she did and what she is missing.
if it wasnt for my husband putting his foot down,who knows were and what i would have done,it scares me to think about it.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

What is wrong with the wife going out ONCE A WEEK? She only goes out on Wednesday. I agree 4 am is too late, but it’s once a week. I understand you’re hurt because she went out instead of discussing your relationship issues. Why did you pick her established night out to discuss those issues? If she went out last Wednesday did you not have all those other days in between to address the issues? Was it a ploy by you to guilt her into staying home? I would have taken it that way. 

I get that you’re uncomfortable with her being out so late and you don’t like the company she’s keeping, but I think you need to relax a little and give her some breathing room. Once a week is not unreasonable in my opinion. How many men do it much more often than that?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Once a week is too often for the wife's live-in friend. She is being given a place to stay. 

How can she afford to go to a bar?

I don't have a problem with my wife going out once a week. But always to a bar? With all single friends? Staying out until 4:00am.? You see this as appropriate activity for a married woman.


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## mike ray (Jan 30, 2011)

I didnt really pick that night. Its was just the first day we had talked at all so I thought we would continue talking... Its all a mute point now though. She says she doesnt know what she wants out of life and what I hear is I dont know who I want. So I asked her how long she expects me to wait for her to figure herself out and she says " I dont expect you to wait. It could take a month it could take a year and you may not like the answer when I do figure it out" Now this says to me im fighting a losing fight. Thank you everyone for all your advice.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

AWife said:


> What is wrong with the wife going out ONCE A WEEK? She only goes out on Wednesday. I agree 4 am is too late, but it’s once a week.


She's quite probably cheating on him every time though.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mike, just so you know it will for sure take a year or more. For my wife it took 13 years. But I can now say that after 20 guys she final found that she wanted me, boy am I lucky.

Do your self a favor and stop acting like I did, tolorating this will only bring more pain. 

If you want to know the breaking point, it wasn't not knowing were she spent the weekend, she started going to bed together and I would wake up in the middle of the night or the next morning and she was gone.

So have fun you will be able to get away with so much and it won't really matter how you treat her you will have so much resentment and she will be having so much fun you will be able to get away with any thing you want as long as you dont stop her from acting out.

In fact I was told that after a while she lost respect, my wife could not believe I was letting her come and go as she pleased.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mike,
Please do your self a favor and change, you are not and have not showed her the confident man that is protecting her from bad things. You have done every thing for her and she knows that you will also tolorate her bad behavior and pay for it with your money. I have been there.

This is very new for you and her you have the choice of showing her some tough love or end up years down the road just like me and mine.

Believe me this will end worse down the road then if you act now. One way or another it will suck kicking someone you love out . Do it now or years from now you will have the pain of years of waste. 

Or you can leave, get hit with adbandonment, have some guy living in your house with your kids and sleeping with your wife, and paying for it with your hard earned money while they party and currup your kids.


PLease Please Please do not leave, but fight. If you think that you are out of option then you have given up and will live the life that I had to suffer through. Find a way to conquor this find the meaness in you to fight for your family. 

Nice guys don't protect there family they do the oppisite. Strong demanding men who demand respect or else, those are the ones that truely protect there family and those are the one that run bad influences out of their home.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

DO NOT leave.

If you can afford it, go to a counselor first. But, do not, leave. Take no major decisions at the moment. Assess everything clearly. That might be difficult right now. Ask a counsellor if they offer a buddy service to accompany you to a good quality lawyer - a free 20 minutes service initially. 

Watch the lawyers, some are like taxis with their expensive meter running. Racking up their bills; they have competing objectives - fees and offices to keep! That's why it is important to take along someone. To stop the dodgy greedy lawyer. You are vulnerable at the moment. A good lawyer will assess your situation quickly and give you immediate advice. Advice that helps you now, immediately. That type of lawyer can always be rest assured that you will be back if things turn sour. The ones that hold back, do not offer an immediate initial solution and are unhelpful be very wary of them. Just don't do anything with them till you are settled and more focused on the situation facing you.

Don't do anything that disadvantages you or the children. That is key here. 

Affaircare here is good. Maybe PM to find out what State you live in and help might be on offer. Bloody rules and there are lots of them could mean any attempt by you to move out could disadvantage you. 

Armed with the information and help here and a buddy maybe from a good counselling service (in the absence of friends to help) then you can consider your options that best advantage you and the children. 

Maybe also find out if there is some service to help the other woman and her kids find a home. 

If it turns nasty you will be shown in a good light that you didn't thrown women and children out on the Street to fend for themselves. If you did you may be seen as a Jerk and it could work against you in the longer term. The current situation cannot continue. Two women under the same room is harming you!

Next...your marriage needs to be saved. A lot of good advice from others here on the forum. 

She wants the single life? She has kids and responsibilities.
You offer security. You may have become co dependent on her by losing your friends. She may have quiely resented that over time. She may treat you as a doormat. It happens to the best of people who care. Spouses can use the kindness of the giving spouse and keep pushing. Looks like that is what is happening here. 

Is there a lost intimacy and connection on both sides? Has sex gone as often happens if a women feels her man isn't listening (or listening but not acting) to her needs to improve homelife. That usually results in withdrawal of sex, the man fails to see it and then the man feels she doesn't care when she doesn't want sex but she feels he doesn't care because he isn't acting on what she needs, then it all goes downhill because the man doesn't feel she loves him! All of this fight to save your marriage will be an uphill struggle. Take one little step at a time. It is usually much easier that way.

The first step as I see it, must be to establish your rights before or even considering walking out of your home. The kids will be affected in all of this upheaval too. That has to be a major consideration in this situation.

Your emotions and feelings may be all over the place. You say you feel suicidal. There are kids here that need you even if wifey is saying or indicating that she does not! These kids need stability and responsibility. You are important to them and wifey even if she doesn't see that at the moment. She is going through a problem. Fun may be lost in your relationship. It happens to a lot of us. We become lost in pressure to work, provide etc. But do not act on impulse on anything here.

This is a good site. Helps many and it is always important to understand how the disaffected disloyal spouse (DS) feels. Sometimes DS come out here on the forums, like Ms Lonely. I always find her thought process interesting as to why she wandered.

At the moment, no men are with wifey but with the lifestyle, it is just a matter of time and infidelity will surface and that is definitely not a place where you want to be, for sure.

Best of luck. Keep us informed. You are not alone.


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## AuldEegit (Feb 3, 2011)

Do you trust your wife?
You both married young. Had kids. Now she is giving herself one night off a week to kick back. It is only one night a week. It doesn't mean she is going to have an affair. 
I often go with with my friends till all hours and we sit and chat and laugh. We do not go out to pick up men. We go out the meet and relax. 
You say you have no friends and rely solely on your wife for companionship. I think it would help you to get out yourself - even if it is just to the cinema or to do a course or something. 
It's not healthy to rely so much on one person. 
I do not agree that going out will automatically mean she'll meet other men. That could happen anywhere. In fact she may even get tired of the 'single life' and realise how good she has it at home. This is just a new thing and is exciting and it will pass. 
But for you to be fretting about it, and on at her about it isn't helping either of you. I would suggest you start giving her a big kiss as she leaves for her night out. Then the next day say you hoped she had a great night and mean it. As it is the more you say don't the more she will rebel (for want of a better word) and go against you.
Perhaps you should suggest a night out together sometime and let your lodger babysit? 
None of us can control people. And you are trying to control her and she is showing you that she won't let you.
I know you are hurting a bit. But allow her this time. It may even help your relationship in the long run.


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