# Short tempered/angry husband, not sure what to do



## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

Hi,

I’m new here, looking for advice. If you decide to stick around, thank you.

My husband and I are both in our late twenties, married for 14 months. Together 5 years. For a bit of background, my husband has always been short tempered. He admitted to terrible anger issues as a teenager. But when we got together, it wasn’t bad at all. Some really bad road rage, but I was firm with him about that and he stopped. In arguments there were a couple of times he punched holes in the wall and broke a chair. Again I was firm and after that it was mostly fine.

The last 4 months his temper has been really poor to the point I feel lost. I feel he manifests his stress as rage, and is quick to temper. Tiny things seem to agitate him. Strangers too, just people serving him at the shop cause him to badly react over and above what the person actually did/said. 

Nothing physical going on. But he does take it out on me by yelling at me unprovoked. When I see something is angering him I try to offer help and say I’ll take it over for him, but then he gets even more agitated and says I’m patronising him. 

He admits he is an “eternal pessimist” and calls himself cynical about most things. Which is fine to a point, I don’t want him to be deludedly happy. But his pessimism is so prevelant now it makes me feel so down.

His anger has become almost daily/every other day. it has got to the point where my mood and self esteem is so so low. I’m tearful most days, but I don’t let on to him. Last week though I did cry in a public cafe and I told him everything, and he did apologise but the tantrums continue. I’m so sad because I keep thinking this is the rest of my life now, I’ll have to be with this sort of person. 

I can see over the last year or so he’s become less patient, more unkind, and just angry. As a result, I’ve become distant from him and I know it’s making things worse. I freeze when he tries to kiss or be intimate because I’ve become less attracted to him after all the angry outbursts. 

For balance, I’m not perfect either. I don’t get angry and I never yell, but I do think I’m sensitive and get hurt easily when it’s not warranted. I know I should be the stronger person and give support when he’s like this, and I do but only to a point. After that I’m drained and just slip into my own low mood and thoughts.

I don’t know what I’m asking for really by posting this. Just maybe some outside insight? 

If you stuck around to this point, thanks for reading.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

I'm a former board member and volunteer at an abused women's rescue and support group. (Open to all genders, but 99 % of clients were women.)

This is how it starts.

He's already punching walls. You're already walking on egg shells around him, so as not to set him off.

What happens when kids come along and are added to the mix of stress, frustration and challenge?

If you were to leave, what would he do?

An honest answer to that will tell you all you need to know.

I have seen women beaten, shot and cut by men they loved. 

Love isn't enough to keep you safe.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Twice you decided to mention 'if you decide to stick around'. That's what this forum is about.

I'm thinking he badly needs anger management education along with new coping skills. Wondering if maybe you could use some help with your self-esteem and setting boundaries? If he is often aggressive and you really are uncomfortable with conflict, this portends big trouble in y'alls future if you both don't seek help.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

23cm said:


> I'm a former board member and volunteer at an abused women's rescue and support group. (Open to all genders, but 99 % of clients were women.)
> 
> This is how it starts.
> 
> ...


Hi,
I appreciate your concern!
Honestly, he’d never hit him. I truly believe that. He punched the wall a couple of years ago and it was once only (and the chair a different occasion, again once) and he hasn’t done anything like that since. I mentioned it just to provide background in case it was relevant. If I left I think he would grieve and be angry but again most people would I presume? I don’t want to leave anyway. I know from the post it sounds terrible but for 70% of the relationship it’s really good and I don’t want to forget that.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Twice you decided to mention 'if you decide to stick around'. That's what this forum is about.
> 
> I'm thinking he badly needs anger management education along with new coping skills. Wondering if maybe you could use some help with your self-esteem and setting boundaries? If he is often aggressive and you really are uncomfortable with conflict, this portends big trouble in y'alls future if you both don't seek help.


I think you’re right in that I’d like to get some therapy for myself. I don’t think I’m good with dealing with conflict at all and I could do with the help. My husband has had counselling before but for work related anxiety, I’m not sure how’d he react if I suggested he needed anger management but yes I think it would be helpful.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I would let him know that yelling at you is not acceptable. No spouse should have to deal with that.

You should also talk to some friends about this. I hate to say it, but you do face a risk that it will get worse. As recent events have shown, having a history of having discussed this with other people could help you in the future if this becomes a "he said, she said" situation.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

CurlyHairLady said:


> I think you’re right in that I’d like to get some therapy for myself. I don’t think I’m good with dealing with conflict at all and I could do with the help. My husband has had counselling before but for work related anxiety, I’m not sure how’d he react if I suggested he needed anger management but yes I think it would be helpful.


The work anxiety/anger issues are probably all intertwined with each other. He needs to go to therapy to learn how to deal with it. He's pushing you away whether he realizes it or not and it's emotionally draining for you trying to do the balancing act of not getting into conflict. My ex had huge anger issues and doing the dance to avoid it was tiring to say the least.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

FalCod said:


> I would let him know that yelling at you is not acceptable. No spouse should have to deal with that.
> 
> You should also talk to some friends about this. I hate to say it, but you do face a risk that it will get worse. As recent events have shown, having a history of having discussed this with other people could help you in the future if this becomes a "he said, she said" situation.


Honestly speaking I don’t have many friends. I have two very close ones, but one is a gossip and the other lives 300 miles away and has problems of her own I don’t want to burden her. 

I do tell him to stop yelling but it takes awhile for him to actually hear what I’m saying when he’s like that. I am going to look for a therapist for myself though.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

honcho said:


> CurlyHairLady said:
> 
> 
> > I think you’re right in that I’d like to get some therapy for myself. I don’t think I’m good with dealing with conflict at all and I could do with the help. My husband has had counselling before but for work related anxiety, I’m not sure how’d he react if I suggested he needed anger management but yes I think it would be helpful.
> ...


I think he does know his anger pushes me away because he’s told me such on one or two occasions. But even with this awareness during lucid moments, when he’s angry that awareness goes out the window. I think therapy would be helpful but it’s trying to convince him to go.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

CurlyHairLady said:


> I think he does know his anger pushes me away because he’s told me such on one or two occasions. But even with this awareness during lucid moments, when he’s angry that awareness goes out the window. I think therapy would be helpful but it’s trying to convince him to go.


He must realize what he has to lose, mainly you and the marriage. The behavior on his part won't fix itself, you'll get lulls in the storm occasionally but it always looms. 

I used to know within a minute of coming home from work how the evening would go. I at one point had enough and was ready to leave and she did seek change some behavior but while things got better on home front, the anger dumps just started to bleed into other areas of her life. She lost jobs, friends and family. 

My ex to this day doesn't have an anger problem, just ask her  it's always everyone else. Your spouse has awareness but he also knows how much he can push it and will continue until he deals with his core issue.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Male depression most often manifests as anger rather than being "down."

Get and read "I don't want to talk about it" but Terrence Real immediately. It's likely that therapy is an absolute must for him; if so, this book will make that abundantly clear.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi,
> I appreciate your concern!
> Honestly, he’d never hit him. I truly believe that. He punched the wall a couple of years ago and it was once only (and the chair a different occasion, again once) and he hasn’t done anything like that since. I mentioned it just to provide background in case it was relevant. If I left I think he would grieve and be angry but again most people would I presume? I don’t want to leave anyway. I know from the post it sounds terrible but for 70% of the relationship it’s really good and I don’t want to forget that.


You may be in more danger than you realize, but regardless:

Hanging with an irritable or angry person just SUCKS. It SUCKS the LIFE out of you! It SUCKS the joy out of everything. It's tedious and draining and it just plain SUCKS.

All the slightly inconvenient moments in life that could be mini adventures you two face and conquer together and even laugh over, become tense, gut clenching, nerve wracking incidents where you try to stay out of the way while somehow making things better at the same time for Mr. Killjoy, hoping his little mood will pass, or his self-indulgent tantrum will end quickly.

Another poster said you walk on eggshells -- that is it exactly. Who wants to live their life navigating someone else's moods when they could be with someone good natured, or, even just alone with no one constantly bringing them down?

They sat that people can conquer anger to where they actually don't even FEEL angry. The Marriage Builders website talks a lot about controlling angry outbursts. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

I understand there are a lot of components to a person and your husband's bad temper is not all of who he is. But as you are seeing, his angry outbursts will kill your love for him and even if they don't, your quality of life is diminished because you never know when Buzz Kill is going to pop off. How can you ever reaax and be yourself and just enjoy life?

I recommend you read the book Love Busters that you can find more on at marriagebuilders.com and see if you can get your H to read it too. And let him know you are no longer willing to be with an angry person. He needs to figure this out.

Bottom line? This is your life and do you really want to spend it with someone who you feel like a nervous wreck around?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi,
> I appreciate your concern!
> Honestly, he’d never hit him. I truly believe that. He punched the wall a couple of years ago and it was once only (and the chair a different occasion, again once) and he hasn’t done anything like that since. I mentioned it just to provide background in case it was relevant. If I left I think he would grieve and be angry but again most people would I presume? I don’t want to leave anyway. I know from the post it sounds terrible but for 70% of the relationship it’s really good and I don’t want to forget that.


You may be in more danger than you realize, but regardless:

Hanging with an irritable or angry person just SUCKS. It SUCKS the LIFE out of you! It SUCKS the joy out of everything. It's tedious and draining and it just plain SUCKS.

All the slightly inconvenient moments in life that could be mini adventures you two face and conquer together and even laugh over, become tense, gut clenching, nerve wracking incidents where you try to stay out of the way while somehow making things better at the same time for Mr. Killjoy, hoping his little mood will pass, or his self-indulgent tantrum will end quickly.

Another poster said you walk on eggshells -- that is it exactly. Who wants to live their life navigating someone else's moods when they could be with someone good natured, or, even just alone with no one constantly bringing them down?

They sat that people can conquer anger to where they actually don't even FEEL angry. The Marriage Builders website talks a lot about controlling angry outbursts. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

I understand there are a lot of components to a person and your husband's bad temper is not all of who he is. But as you are seeing, his angry outbursts will kill your love for him and even if they don't, your quality of life is diminished because you never know when Buzz Kill is going to pop off. How can you ever reaax and be yourself and just enjoy life?

I recommend you read the book Love Busters that you can find more on at marriagebuilders.com and see if you can get your H to read it too. And let him know you are no longer willing to be with an angry person. He needs to figure this out.

Bottom line? This is your life and do you really want to spend it with someone who you feel like a nervous wreck around?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi,
> 
> I’m new here, looking for advice. If you decide to stick around, thank you.
> 
> My husband and I are both in our late twenties, married for 14 months. Together 5 years. For a bit of background, my husband has always been short tempered. He admitted to terrible anger issues as a teenager. But when we got together, it wasn’t bad at all. Some really bad road rage, but I was firm with him about that and he stopped. In arguments there were a couple of times he punched holes in the wall and broke a chair. Again I was firm and after that it was mostly fine.


Any of this ring a bell?

Do you...

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner...

humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

23cm said:


> I'm a former board member and volunteer at an abused women's rescue and support group. (Open to all genders, but 99 % of clients were women.)
> 
> This is how it starts.
> 
> ...


Yep, and YOU are already showing signs of an abuse victim. Making excuses, saying you have faults, saying you hurt him by withdrawing...
Read this book.
https://www.pdfdrive.com/why-does-he-do-that-e19252304.html


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Honestly speaking I don’t have many friends. I have two very close ones, but one is a gossip and the other lives 300 miles away and has problems of her own I don’t want to burden her.
> 
> I do tell him to stop yelling but it takes awhile for him to actually hear what I’m saying when he’s like that. I am going to look for a therapist for myself though.


Ok, assuming he isn't already physically abusive, here is one thing you CAN do right now.

When he is calm, tell him that you don't want to be yelled at or criticized anymore and if he does it, you are going to leave the room. That sets the stage - gives him information about your BOUNDARY (no yelling at you) and tells him what your CONSEQUENCE will be (leaving the room). He's free to do whatever he wants with that information.

HOWEVER, the very next time he raises his voice, belittles you, criticizes you, you hold your hand out in the 'stop' symbol (palm up facing him) and say 'I will not be yelled at' and you turn around and leave the room. Who cares if it 'takes awhile for him to hear it? That's his problem. YOU will be out of the room.

So you leave the room. If he follows you into the next room, you leave it. If he follows you again, you leave the house and go for a walk. If he follows you outside, you go knock on your next door neighbor's house and if they answer, you ask if you can come inside for a minute, you're worried about your husband. If the neighbor won't help, call 911. 

If he doesn't follow you outside, go for a walk and come back in 15-20 minutes. If he starts up again (they usually have to 'win' an argument), you get your keys and drive away, go for a drive for an hour. When you come back, if he starts up again, you get some stuff for overnight, drive away again, and stay at a hotel; turn your phone off. When you come back the next day, if he starts up again, you turn around and leave again. And stay away for 2 days. Then 3 days. Then a week. 

Assuming he doesn't start hitting you (and I won't assume that; he seems one issue away from it), this will TEACH him that you will no longer be disrespected. If he's a somewhat decent guy, this will be a big wakeup call for him and he may back off and become a better man.

Nobody is going to do this for you. Only you can. If you need help, call the police.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CurlyHairLady said:


> I think he does know his anger pushes me away because he’s told me such on one or two occasions. But even with this awareness during lucid moments, when he’s angry that awareness goes out the window. I think therapy would be helpful but it’s trying to convince him to go.


See, this is where you are doing this wrong. You don't convince him of anything. You state YOUR boundary - stop with the anger - and you explain YOUR consequence, what YOU will do if he doesn't stop with the anger - LEAVE. He can't yell at you if you don't participate. 

You both know this is a problem, but it won't be fixed as long as YOU accept it. So what you do is you say "I want to stay married to you, but I won't live in a home where I'm afraid of your anger every day. So you have a choice - get real help for it and stop doing it, or I'll go ahead and leave and you can be angry all the time if you want; I just won't be your verbal punching bag. It's your choice. I'll give you one month to get into therapy."

And then you step back and let him make his decision.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

honcho said:


> CurlyHairLady said:
> 
> 
> > I think he does know his anger pushes me away because he’s told me such on one or two occasions. But even with this awareness during lucid moments, when he’s angry that awareness goes out the window. I think therapy would be helpful but it’s trying to convince him to go.
> ...


Thanks for sharing. I think if I’m honest, he also tries to push it and see how far he can go.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Male depression most often manifests as anger rather than being "down."
> 
> Get and read "I don't want to talk about it" but Terrence Real immediately. It's likely that therapy is an absolute must for him; if so, this book will make that abundantly clear.


Hi. I’ve straight out asked him many times if he thinks he’s depressed (he’s a doctor) and he said no every time. But he could be in denial.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> CurlyHairLady said:
> 
> 
> > Hi,
> ...


I’ve heard someone mention love busters on another thread here. I’ll see to buying it, thank you!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi. I’ve straight out asked him many times if he thinks he’s depressed (he’s a doctor) and he said no every time. But he could be in denial.


That's the thing... since he is displaying anger, he doesn't see that depression is at the root of it (probably... this could be a coincidence). Lay people never make that connection, but it is very real in many cases. 

A good therapist would be able to figure it out pretty quick. 

And therein lies the connection you need... whether or not the anger is rooted in depression, he needs counseling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CurlyHairLady said:


> I think you’re right in that I’d like to get some therapy for myself. I don’t think I’m good with dealing with conflict at all and I could do with the help. My husband has had counselling before but for work related anxiety, I’m not sure how’d he react if I suggested he needed anger management but yes I think it would be helpful.


He can get online anger management. Which I did

And many Doctors are rubbish at self diagnosis!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi,
> I appreciate your concern!
> Honestly, he’d never hit him. I truly believe that. He punched the wall a couple of years ago and it was once only (and the chair a different occasion, again once) and he hasn’t done anything like that since. I mentioned it just to provide background in case it was relevant. If I left I think he would grieve and be angry but again most people would I presume? I don’t want to leave anyway. I know from the post it sounds terrible but for 70% of the relationship it’s really good and I don’t want to forget that.


Spoken like *every* abused woman before you.

Keep making excuses for him and trying to find ways to stay with him and you'll see where that eventually gets you. Like a lot of women, you'll likely continue pandering to him all the time, *constantly* placating him to keep him from erupting, and completely changing your personality and behavior any way you can in order to please him to keep the peace.

And like a lot of women, you may foolishly decide to start having kids with someone like this because you actually believe that him having kids will change him for the better. You think anger rules the house _*now*_? Just wait 'til he turns it up several notches when you have a screaming baby keeping His Highness awake at night or making it hard for him to listen to his TV show. And when you're too busy taking care of the baby to sit at his knee and placate him 24/7 because his team lost the game or he stubbed his toe or he lost $50 on a bet with the guys at work or any of the other_ thousands_ of reasons he continually uses to lose his temper, you'll finally see the error of your choices.

But by then, you'll likely be all about how you can't leave him because you depend on him financially and/or your job doesn't pay enough for you to live on your own even with child support, and you're 'stuck' now and you're miserable and you feel bad about raising your 3 small children in a house ruled by anger and you don't want your poor kids to be 'children of divorce' and on and on and on. By that time, you'll have no self esteem at all and pretty much be a shell of the person you used to be. You'll be weak, dependent, afraid of your own shadow and constantly worried about how this unhealthy atmosphere is affecting your kids (and you should be).

If I had a dime for every time I read a story JUST like yours where the woman sadly just made bad choice after bad choice after bad choice, I'd be rich.

I'd be giving him *six months* to get his **** together. Six months. That's what I did with my 2nd husband who was very much like yours - always angry, always blaming me and the rest of the world for every wrong thing in his life (because nothing was ever HIS fault), and I was sick and tired of spending all my time placating him. I wasn't put on this earth to spend my days (when I wasn't working) placating him and kowtowing to him in the hopes of keeping him happy so I wouldn't have to deal with his ugly side. *Not my job*. And it's not YOUR job either. I didn't even stay the whole six months and walked out after 4 months because he wasn't doing anything to fix himself so that told me everything I needed to know. 

That's what I would do. I'd tell him he's got 6 months to get his **** together - using whatever program or classes or mental health assistance necessary - or you're leaving.

And *MEAN* it like I did. Otherwise it's just a weak, empty threat.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here is a basic description of what you are likely going through. It's called the cycle of abuse. It's what keeps women with men who abuse them - the 'good' part of the cycle. Abusive men do this instinctively - they don't even know they're doing it, they just know it gets them what they want.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Agree so much with SSGI - do NOT have kids with this man until these issues are completely addressed and there's a long track record of better behavior. Kids are like throwing gasoline on a fire in terms of well being and stress in relationships like this. 

Right now you are probably not thinking this is important and are more concerned on just getting through the day - but how can you be attracted with someone that acts like and angry child all the time? How were you ever attracted to him if he's like this?

Here's what will happen: you'll eventually become codependent (if you aren't already) and all that it implies. His mood will dictate yours and your self-esteem will evaporate as managing his temper becomes your primary responsibility. You'll be increasingly shut off from others (maybe already are?) and isolated since you'll put all your focus on him. His behavior (and your defense of it) will shed the remaining relationships you have. Your needs will never be met and you'll be miserable as you forget that you even have them. You'll cling to hope of the days where he isn't a wrecking ball to your life.

Not a pretty picture. Hoping your husband gets help and hope you can find the courage to stand up for yourself through this and remember how important YOU are yourself. You are young still so don't assume that this marriage has to work at all costs. Be ready to define your line and hold him accountable for his behavior.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

OP. Please check to see if there's a women's shelter in your community. Free counseling will be available there for you, and you can develop a cadre of friends and associates who will provide someone and some where to go to in times of stress or real emergency.

I speak from direct experience. One of the women my organization was helping was going to court to get a restraining order to keep an angry boyfriend from harassing her. In her mind, he was a good guy, really loved her and just needed to learn how to control his temper. 

We had a female volunteer accompany her to court. The "good guy" jumped her in the court parking lot, and while the volunteer screamed for help, he beat the girlfriend and tried to force her into another car. Sheriff's deputies ran to help when they heard the volunteer's screams. Had she not been there, who knows what would have happened.  We lay awake at night knowing what COULD have happened. 

That your husband is a physician and has these issues is very worrisome, particularly since he doesn't acknowledge them.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm wondering if his frustrations come out as anxiety at work, because it is unacceptable for him to 'lose it' there. However, he feels free to blow up at home and at you. 

Not only will his angry behavior escalate because he does not know how to cope/relieve pressure in a better way, but also he will start to have serious physical problems--i.e., high blood pressure, headaches, sleep issues, etc.

As I said before, your being conflict avoidant will cause you physical problems too. But even more important is that you, in trying to figure how to live around him, will lose your true self.
@23cm and others have given excellent, knowledgeable advice. Please be aware of the reality of your situation--this is emotional abuse. If he were physically attacking, you would be more likely to act. However, that is the next step.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi,
> 
> I’m new here, looking for advice. If you decide to stick around, thank you.
> 
> ...


 Hi, I might be projecting My own experiences on to you so I want to get that out into the open right away. I was in a physically abusive relationship for 12 long years. It didn't start out that way. It started out with verbal abuse. Yelling, shouting, and insults. My self esteem plummeted. Then it graduated to throwing things, punching holes in walls, and destroying my property. I quickly noticed that it was only My property that he destroyed. He never touched any of his own. When he was in one of his anger fits, he was in a blind rage. But, interestingly enough, not so blind as to avoid destroying his own property. I used to call them rage fugues.Nothing I did or said would make him stop. In fact, it irritated him more.It was like he lit his own fuse and he would have to burn himself out. I equated his rages to that of the cartoon character the Tasmanian devil. I remember 1 time I tried to talk him down and he accused me of patronizing him. Then he graduated to putting his hands on me. He would slap me and then throw things at me. His aim was wicked good. One time he actually choked me. I finally stopped thinking that I had to help this sick man and got out. 

A few things that you posted made me sit up and take notice. The fact that your husband gets mad at little innocuous things, that other people make him angry, that it's almost a daily occurrence, You defined it as rage And tantrums,and that he thinks you are patronizing him. 

Unless your husband gets intensive therapy and anger management, things will not get better for you. Even then, I am dubious. But if he gets no help His behavior will escalate and get worse. 

I recently learned that My ex boyfriends now ex girlfriend, the one after me, he choked and held her down and kicked her in the ribs. His behaviors have escalated to a very violent and scary degree. He is a very violent criminal now. And I honestly don't think he will stop until he does real serious physical harm to another woman or even kills another woman. I think you should get fast and far away from him even though I know you don't want to. He is dangerous.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He needs more sleep.
He needs exhausting exercise.

He needs to check his meds for angry side effects.

Is he an alcoholic?
Does he come close?

Alcoholics are in pain when they are sober.
Druggies follow suit.

He likely needs some sort of anti-anxiety medications.

If all else fails, he needs to anxiously leave the marriage.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

These kinds of personality traits rarely go away. It's like being an alcoholic. If he puts in a lot of time, dedication, behavior modification, etc. into controlling his anger, he can prevent the outbursts. But he'll never be cured. Just like an alcoholic is one drink away from falling off the wagon, he's just one bad day from releasing all that rage again.

What experience do you have with these sorts of deep-seated emotional or personality issues? Like, do you have any relatives who are addicts or have anger problems? If so, you've likely seen that improvement is very hard to achieve if it happens at all. Often, the person just continues their destructive behavior and pushes everyone away. 

As you decide what to do, realize that this will always be an issue for him. When times are good he'll be more in control, but real life is not made of just good times. If you stay with him, you have to realize you'll be dealing with this rollercoaster for a very long time. And also realize it will take it's toll on you and your self-confidence. You may get beat down so much that you won't be able to muster the willpower to leave. How you feel now about yourself may not last if you have to keep dealing with this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@CurlyHairLady Could he get help from his employer with workplace counselling? Is that an option?


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> CurlyHairLady said:
> 
> 
> > Hi,
> ...


Hi. Some of your words I found quite threatening and insensitive. Remember there is a real person here, giving you just a few hundred words into her relationship.


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

turnera said:


> Here is a basic description of what you are likely going through. It's called the cycle of abuse. It's what keeps women with men who abuse them - the 'good' part of the cycle. Abusive men do this instinctively - they don't even know they're doing it, they just know it gets them what they want.
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse


Good read, thanks!


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## CurlyHairLady (Oct 14, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> CurlyHairLady said:
> 
> 
> > Hi,
> ...


I’m grateful you shared your story. Thank you. Something for me to think about.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CurlyHairLady said:


> Hi. Some of your words I found quite threatening and insensitive. Remember there is a real person here, giving you just a few hundred words into her relationship.


If you find those words threatening and insensitive coming out of her mouth, how are you going to feel when years down the road you find yourself saying the same things because that is what living with an abusive person does to you. It changes you.

You are going to do what you are going to do; but, ignore others' experiences at your own peril. She didn't have to open up and share with you. She did it to help you.

Good luck.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

I’d suggest “Co-dependent No More” by Beattie. As evidenced by responses, you’re not the first, only, or, sadly, the last to face this issue. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also Beattie's newest book, The New Codependency, which I'm reading.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I want to weigh in here as a woman who was married to a man with MAJOR anger issues. Eventually his yelling and carrying on led to physical abuse. It wasn't a regular thing, but several times I was shoved or pushed. To be honest with you, I became worn down and fed up with all the ranting. When it started getting physical, I planned my departure. However, even if it hadn't escalated I was going to get out anyway. It was no way to live and I was miserable. 

I imagine your husband blows up over things of little consequence. I bet you aren't always sure when he'll explode, so you're walking on eggshells much of the time. My guess is you are also financially dependent on him. However, if my assumption is wrong, I apologize.

The thing is, these hot heads rarely get better with age. Sure, if they commit to anger management classes and counseling, things can improve. But oftentimes these "rageaholics" are coming from the position that they're right and the rest of the world is wrong.

While you are in this situation, please learn the art of detachment. It can save your sanity and possibly your life. Leave a room when he starts in on you. Leave the house and take a drive, if necessary. Detach from his rage and don't react to him.

And please consider getting your ducks in a row. Living with an angry, abusive man is a terrible way to live. Seriously.


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Hanging with an irritable or angry person just SUCKS. It SUCKS the LIFE out of you! It SUCKS the joy out of everything. It's tedious and draining and it just plain SUCKS.
> 
> All the slightly inconvenient moments in life that could be mini adventures you two face and conquer together and even laugh over, become tense, gut clenching, nerve wracking incidents where you try to stay out of the way while somehow making things better at the same time for Mr. Killjoy, hoping his little mood will pass, or his self-indulgent tantrum will end quickly.
> 
> ...



This...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> If you find those words threatening and insensitive coming out of her mouth, how are you going to feel when years down the road you find yourself saying the same things because that is what living with an abusive person does to you. It changes you.
> 
> You are going to do what you are going to do; but, ignore others' experiences at your own peril. She didn't have to open up and share with you. She did it to help you.
> 
> Good luck.


Surely it isn't that hard to understand why using abusive language with an abuse VICTIM might be triggering and unsettling. Surely we can use out intellect to convey the message in a way less devoid of compassion and emotional intelligence?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Surely it isn't that hard to understand why using abusive language with an abuse VICTIM might be triggering and unsettling. Surely we can use out intellect to convey the message in a way less devoid of compassion and emotional intelligence?


The OP didn't say the post was abusive. 

Just because one doesn't care for the manner in which the message is delivered doesn't mean the message doesn't have value. Every poster would be well advised to take what you need and leave the rest.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP didn't say the post was abusive.
> 
> Just because one doesn't care for the manner in which the message is delivered doesn't mean the message doesn't have value. Every poster would be well advised to take what you need and leave the rest.


Not to make this a lesson on trauma and abuse....but you do realize that most abuse victims don't have the skills to do that BECAUSE of the abuse, right? So a poster - especially one who claims to have been abused - should know better.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was married to two different angry men, and I divorced each. NEVER AGAIN. This is THE WORST way to live! No one is worth what you have to deal with when you are with an angry partner, period. You will be spending the rest of your life walking on eggshells, having the life sucked right out of you, afraid to accept invites to gatherings, stressing over trips to the grocery store, etc etc. Please for the love of god, don't get pregnant!

My honest advise as someone who has BEEN THERE..? GET OUT NOW.


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## Funnygirl2018 (Mar 26, 2018)

I have also been married 14 months, after knowing my husband 5 years.. 2 weeks ago he choked me, because I tried to explain my point in a conversation. i am reading the book 'Why Does He Do That " by Lundy Bancroft.. My husband started with verbal assaults when he didn't get his way, then moved onto raging at me ( in my face ) no doubt.. I am in the process of leaving him, I've had enough.. These men don't see women as equal.. and rarely change.. Get out! The longer you stay the harder it will be.. Life is too short for this B.S. disguised as love.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Funnygirl2018 said:


> I have also been married 14 months, after knowing my husband 5 years.. 2 weeks ago he choked me, because I tried to explain my point in a conversation. i am reading the book 'Why Does He Do That " by Lundy Bancroft.. My husband started with verbal assaults when he didn't get his way, then moved onto raging at me ( in my face ) no doubt.. I am in the process of leaving him, I've had enough.. These men don't see women as equal.. and rarely change.. Get out! The longer you stay the harder it will be.. Life is too short for this B.S. disguised as love.


This is terrible and you're absolutely right to get out as quickly as you can. Men like that are just damaged and can't be fixed (by you at least). They'll gladly take you down with them and they want you to feel small so they can feel big for once. Unfortunate that sometimes you don't really know someone until it's too late. Best of luck to you and stay strong!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a great book about why we pick the partners we do, called Getting The Love You Want.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree with Turnera, you have to be able to go up to him, say you're acting like an a-hole, I'm sick of your crap, and you need to grow up. If you're afraid that he would punch or choke you, you have a problem and you probably need to get out.


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