# Can't forgive or forget the past, but doesn't want to divorce



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

How exactly does that work for the cheater? If they are truly sorry, jump over hoops to prove their love, yet the cheated on spouse says they can't get past it? But then in the same breath says the last thing they want is to divorce.

Is the cheater supposed to sit and wait to see if they're ever forgiven? If they'll ever have a marriage again? Wait for how long? 6 months? 6 years? Forever?

I read a quote from Tiger Wood's ex-wife back when all that was going on. Once they filed for divorce, she said she truly tried to work it out and forgive but she just couldn't get past it. Which I totally understand.

But to expect a spouse to stay even when they're told that?

Thoughts?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For me it's a dealbreaker. Period end of story. I'm waaaaaayyyy to insecure to recover from that type of betrayal and I fully admit that.

I however wouldn't expect a spouse to stay. I'd show their cheating ass to the door.


----------



## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

They are simply conflicted. Give it time. These things can take uears to get over. If you are truly committed, you will give him/her the time they need to process and work through whatthey need to work through. Im not saying it will be easy, but the burden of the heavy lifting lies with the cheater. 

So, yes, again, if you are truly committed you sit and wait. However, if you want them to just get over it and move forward, your in for a rude awakening.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Try asking the right question... What does forgiveness mean to them?

For me, there is ‘acceptance’ (this factually happened and I can’t change it) all the way up to the highest level of acceptance: ‘forgiveness’. Forgiveness means I will no longer allow this to play a part in my decision process or how I see my spouse. Because I know my wayward wife cheated and will still trigger and still have ‘rules’ like transparency and the trust just isn’t completely there.... I have not forgiven my WW, nor will I ever; This has changed how I see her forever after. I will always be prepared to walk out the door if need be from now on. 

It’s not doom and gloom though. My level of acceptance has continued to evolve throughout the R. 

You won’t forget though. Never. Now if you are a wayward thinking “I just want it to back to how it was.”... lol. It can’t. It won’t ever be like that again. You changed it as surely as you would have if you decided to beat your spouse ‘just for a little while’. They won’t forget it and now watch for it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Different people take different lengths of time.


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

She can't forgive but she will resent you for life and stay with you?

Guess she sees you as nothing but a paycheck then.


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

jameskimp said:


> she can't forgive but she will resent you for life and stay with you?
> 
> Guess she sees you as nothing but a paycheck then.


And we have a winner!


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

jameskimp said:


> She can't forgive but she will resent you for life and stay with you?
> 
> Guess she sees you as nothing but a paycheck then.


That often works both ways.
It's not unusual for a cheater to want to maintain the "marriage" simply to keep financially secure.
In any event, I have never personally been acquainted with a "healthy" marriage where this much animosity is prevalent.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

It may be for finacial reasons, and maybe for other reasons: children, security etc.

I don't know how common this situation. I've got the opposite problem. I'm the BS, wants D, CW is kicking and screaming to stay together.

I've read in the literature that when narcissists cheat ( and many cheats are narc.s), get busted, they will fight aggressively to stay in the marriage. They cannot tolerate rejection. They're happy to dish it out by the truckload, but can't tolerate and a drop of it.


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Sometimes its just hard to let go no matter how wrong the wrong is. 

I know I can forgive my WW but I can't accept her affair. I have still taken the steps to filing. I've moved out, but every time the word divorce comes up I shudder a little bit because its not what I ever expected. So for me while its still fresh, and I know whats going to happen it's hard to say I want a divorce to her. So I can see in some situations where people hold on to what they hoped or thought their lives with their spouse would be. 

But at some point you gotta pick one. Can't have both.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The paycheck bit may be acurate in many cases but it's not ussually that simple. Childrens love traditional families, fiances, lifestyle, external presures like moves which need to be done... not that simple. Whatever reaons are they amount enough to decide divorce is even worse. People feel trapped in bad marriages all the time, with out without infidelity in the mix.


----------



## pattimang (Aug 30, 2012)

These things can take uears to get over.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Even if the WS stopped banging the OP cold turkey, with no break in NC, the marriage does not return to normal the next day, next week, or next month.

Being the BS is a tramatic experience. Many BS are counseled to not make any rash judgements right after dday because their mind is not in shape to make permanent life changing decisions.

It usually takes the BS's mind 6 months to process their WS had an affair. At that point a BS can go through a 6 month anger phase.

As you can see one year past dday and not much recovery has gone on. This is why recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

During this year it does not help calling the WW/WH a ho/manho. On dday their will be name calling. It usually happens but not always said. But by the following week the name calling needs to be controlled just as the WS needs to control the urge to break NC.

There never will be recovery if the WS and the BS are still abusing each other.

Then when there is TT, trickle truthing, every time the BS learns something else about the affair it is a new dday. This new dday resets the recovery clock back to 0/zero.


----------

