# Different sex desires problem



## João Sousa (Feb 6, 2021)

Hi, I'm married to a great wife. But my sex drive is bigger than hers. This brings some problems to our relation.
In order to improve her desire I manage to improve some behaviours on my part (after reading 'His needs, Her needs' book): more communication, tell her how much I love more times, show her I love her very much with some text messages through the day, help more at home, help more with the kids, be more for her. This change helped, but sometimes something goes wrong and there is no sex, after this we discuss and its a great stress in our relation. I would like to manage to better control my sex drive in order to avoid this discussions. After reading this it seems to be easy, but it isn't. I thought about masturbation, but it didn't help because I feel betrayed for her not wanting to be with me, after I deliver so much throughout the day. Thanks.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

João Sousa said:


> I feel betrayed for her not wanting to be with me, after I deliver so much throughout the day.


I'm somewhat in the same boat as you. When it comes to "delivering", I think of the words of the Lord Jesus Christ (Matthew 25:40B (KJV)):
_Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. _

The truth is, what you "deliver" has absolutely nothing to do with your wife's sexual attraction for you. This has been proven to me through more than 5 decades of observing men who deliver NOTHING, except maybe a drink or two or a dinner, get laid on the first date, or perhaps, not even a date.....

My WW said to me "....some's got it, and some don't....".....

In the inimitable words of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin....".....that's the bottom line....".....

In my case, I have learned to "deliver" to please my Lord, not to make my wife want me.
Because the first works, and the second doesn't.

My wife was sexually attracted to her ex-boyfriend. But she didn't want to marry him because he didn't "deliver"..... he sat on the couch, smoked dope, and let her support him. Getting "delivery" was far more important, TO HER, than being sexually excited.

Betrayal ? To me, this is a betrayal, yes. Because my life's deepest need is unfulfilled, and no amount of "delivering" is going to change how she looks at me or how she touches me. That, to her, is a "duty", not something she wants to do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> My wife was sexually attracted to her ex-boyfriend. But she didn't want to marry him because he didn't "deliver"..... he sat on the couch, smoked dope, and let her support him. Getting "delivery" was far more important, TO HER, than being sexually excited.
> 
> Betrayal ? To me, this is a betrayal, yes. Because my life's deepest need is unfulfilled, and no amount of "delivering" is going to change how she looks at me or how she touches me. That, to her, is a "duty", not something she wants to do.


Classic “Alpha Widow.”


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

João Sousa said:


> Hi, I'm married to a great wife. But my sex drive is bigger than hers. This brings some problems to our relation.
> In order to improve her desire I manage to improve some behaviours on my part (after reading 'His needs, Her needs' book): more communication, tell her how much I love more times, show her I love her very much with some text messages through the day, help more at home, help more with the kids, be more for her. This change helped, but sometimes something goes wrong and there is no sex, after this we discuss and its a great stress in our relation. I would like to manage to better control my sex drive in order to avoid this discussions. After reading this it seems to be easy, but it isn't. I thought about masturbation, but it didn't help because I feel betrayed for her not wanting to be with me, after I deliver so much throughout the day. Thanks.


Hugh Hefner, Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlin, Tommy Lee, Leonardo Decaprio etc etc have all bedded thousands of women. 

Celebrities aside, I personally know normal working Joe’s that have been with literally hundreds of women. 

Do you think they have done so by doing dishes and folding laundry and txting endless I-Love-you’s??

Dishes and laundry are not turn ons. A dude doing laundry does not turn a woman on any more than a woman doing laundry turns a dude on - probably a turn off for many in fact. 

Things like looking sharp, being fit and vigorous physically, well dressed and groomed and being ambitious and industrious and leading a fun and exciting lifestyle (in the eye of the beholder) is what turns people on. Not sorting socks. 

When you turn chicks on and they think you are hot, they will come to your house and do your dishes and sort your socks. 

Hugh Hefner probably never washed a pot or a pan in his life.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

João Sousa said:


> This change helped, but sometimes something goes wrong and there is no sex


You should probably read about covert contracts.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

João Sousa said:


> I feel betrayed for her not wanting to be with me, after I deliver so much throughout the day. Thanks.


If you do something for your wife and expect sex in return, you need to work out that agreement beforehand. Be very explicit about it and tell her exactly what you want or else she will not get what she wants!

You may find that these things you "deliver" for her are things that she does not particularly need, want, or appreciate. She may be polite and say that they matter and that she appreciates them, but her actions speak louder than words. So in my opinion you need to learn what it is that your wife wants and needs. Most often it is a sense of something different and exciting about her day that you helped create. You can't tell her about it in advance or that ruins the whole thing nor can you expect anything in return or that ruins it as well. 

Good luck!

Badsanta


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

TJW said:


> I'm somewhat in the same boat as you. When it comes to "delivering", I think of the words of the Lord Jesus Christ (Matthew 25:40B (KJV)):
> _Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. _
> 
> The truth is, what you "deliver" has absolutely nothing to do with your wife's sexual attraction for you. This has been proven to me through more than 5 decades of observing men who deliver NOTHING, except maybe a drink or two or a dinner, get laid on the first date, or perhaps, not even a date.....
> ...


Curious: has it always been like this,, and if so why did she feel it was a good idea to marry someone to whom she was not sexually attracted?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

João Sousa said:


> Hi, I'm married to a great wife. But my sex drive is bigger than hers. This brings some problems to our relation.
> In order to improve her desire I manage to improve some behaviours on my part (after reading 'His needs, Her needs' book): more communication, tell her how much I love more times, show her I love her very much with some text messages through the day, help more at home, help more with the kids, be more for her. This change helped, but sometimes something goes wrong and there is no sex, after this we discuss and its a great stress in our relation. I would like to manage to better control my sex drive in order to avoid this discussions. After reading this it seems to be easy, but it isn't. I thought about masturbation, but it didn't help because I feel betrayed for her not wanting to be with me, after I deliver so much throughout the day. Thanks.


Ok. No one is going to get laid by doing the laundry.

The laundry should get done but it should never be viewed as a transaction or an aphrodisiac.











Try watching some videos with appropriate sex talk.

Speaking of "His needs Her needs".... what is she doing on her end to meet your need for physical intimacy and sex?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Hugh Hefner, Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlin, Tommy Lee, Leonardo Decaprio etc etc have all bedded thousands of women.
> 
> Celebrities aside, I personally know normal working Joe’s that have been with literally hundreds of women.
> 
> ...


I agree with a lot of this but Hugh had to pay for anyone to play with his shriveled manhood.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. No one is going to get laid by doing the laundry.
> 
> The laundry should get done but it should never be viewed as a transaction...
> 
> Speaking of "His needs Her needs".... what is she doing on her end to meet your need for physical intimacy and sex?


Agree on both.

I'll add that while you should always be an equal contributor, you should not be doing extra. You see guys on here not just doing what's right but going above and beyond trying to gain favor.

Similarly, I've seen elsewhere guys who go above and beyond not only don't see an improvement sex, but actually dig a deeper hole by inadvertently allowing their wives to set a higher bar.

The right play is to handle your business and nothing more. No extra chores, essential "honey-do" list only, no knocking it out at work unless you want it for yourself or truly need it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Doing dishes isn’t going to get you laid brother.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. No one is going to get laid by doing the laundry.
> 
> The laundry should get done but it should never be viewed as a transaction or an aphrodisiac.
> 
> ...


Agreed. As a woman I actually find the idea that a guy is going to do chores to get more sex highly offensive because it implies that these things are really my job and his majesty is doing me a big fat favor to "help".

Its not help because it's not my job. Its the job of everyone in the house to make sure things get done, but these things are completely separate from sexual attraction in that they don't create it.

Not acting like a contributing adult can diminish sex drive because it puts your wife in the role of mommy and nobody gets turned on by having to mother her partner. 

Was your sex life ever good? Is it radically different then it used to be?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

_I thought about masturbation, but it didn't help because I feel betrayed for her not wanting to be with me, after I deliver so much throughout the day.
_
Attraction is not something you can negotiate. Your wife is either attracted to you or she isnt and you were selected for the sake of stability. From the little you have shared your marriage seems one sided. My impression, you have her on a pedestal and she looks down the end of her nose at you. Takes you for granted.

There is no point in discussing this further with your wife. _This change helped, but sometimes something goes wrong and there is no sex, *after this we discuss and its a great stress in our relation*. I would like to manage to better control my sex drive in order *to avoid this discussions.
*_
You have taken steps to change things for the better. What steps has your wife taken to improve the situation? If your answer is she has done nothing to address the issue, I would ask you to seriously weigh your options. 
You can find endless posts in dead bedroom forums of individuals such as your self that have lost 10, 20, 30 years to a dead bedroom they hoped to breath life in with no success. The few success stories you can find have the high libido spouse ending the marriage and finding a more compatible partner. This is not an easy choice by any means but one you should consider strongly.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

If doing the dishes made a difference, women would be straddling the Maytag. 

Seriously, be a man she desires. Take charge, be dependable. Be masculine. Care about the things that are important to her, show her that you are listening to her - that the things she finds important, you find important. Engaging in her life and priorities begets her engaging in yours. Sex and passion come to those who lay the groundwork in a relationship. Is she important? Do you show that? Does what she says matter? Do you communicate to her what is interesting and important to you? 

Be someone she admires, that starts with you being someone you admire.


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## João Sousa (Feb 6, 2021)

Thanks you all for the inputs, helped a lot.


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