# I need to know how far to take this



## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Right now my wife and I are trying to work things out...but even after admitting her EA she is still acting the same and seems to thing she doesn't have anything to answer for. I am also fairly certain that it went past just being an EA...especially from everyone that saw them and said they were all over each other.

My question right now deals with my future. Both of us are in the military and although I get to keep the house the military has some rules in place that, in the event of divorce, rule in the favor of the wife getting most of the pay and everything unless you can prove that there was infidelity. She won't tell me and she cut off my access to her Facebook and email.

We have a daughter that I haven't adopted yet, and her man on the side is also married with a daughter. I love her daughter as my daughter even if she isn't mine by blood and she deserves a better life. My wife's mother will fight to take legal claim of her granddaughter is she did cheat so she can have a normal life without multiple men coming to the house constantly...something else I found out my wife lied about.

How? How can I prove anything? I feel like I have no resources and this needs to stop. I don't know why but I can't seem to move on without knowing what happened and taking care of the issue...


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

First off she needs to be in it 110% and be upfront with any sort of demands or actions you ask of her. Give her guidelines and boundaries about what you will accept and wont. If she is willing to accept these then you have something to work with. If she fights you about your guidelines then she isnt really wanting to change right now. Tell her that this is the way that things need to be in order to move forward in a direction both of you want to go. You cant pull the weight of the other unless they are willing. I tried in past relationships but they never were as willing as they said in the long run.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well, as a start, you can get your wife to re-admit her EA (and maybe other stuff) while you have a camera or voice recorder in a suitable place.

The other thing you can do is find out if the affair is still going on. If it is, your best court-admissible evidence could be obtained by hiring a private investigator. Someone detached from the outcome.

If all that fails, and you still have a bit of energy left in you, you could wait a while until your wife starts going wayward again (she most likely will very soon) and then use stealth tactics or a private investigator to catch her red handed.

The important thing is to keep her 'stupid'. You already made things worse by allowing her to go underground. Lure her into getting complacent again and then hit her hard.

All this is if you want to protect yourself financially. If you can find a way around getting financially screwed, divorce her ass right now. She ain't worth it. No one is.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

She admitted the EA over facebook chat so I got a screenshot of that. The problem right now is that she is deployed to Kuwait, and I am somewhere else much worse. 

It seems like the affair is still going on. She unfriended him to show her willingness but for 5 months in the beginning they were chatting and emailing without being friends.

And she is not upfront much at all. Constant mood swings, she still accuses me of doing things constantly, and the signals I get are the same as when my gut told me that something was happening and it was. She always claims she is going to bed at like 8 or 9 but I see she is still on and very active until midnight or later and she ignores any message I send her.

I KNOW that the people around her know but they hesitate when I ask. Would a PI be able to help with any of this? We both return home to Georgia soon...


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

huebnem said:


> She admitted the EA over facebook chat so I got a screenshot of that. The problem right now is that she is deployed to Kuwait, and I am somewhere else much worse.
> 
> It seems like the affair is still going on. She unfriended him to show her willingness but for 5 months in the beginning they were chatting and emailing without being friends.
> 
> ...


Yep, PI can help. Gather evidence and hit her hard. Our guts are rarely wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is a piece of work.

Why are you even considering staying with this disrespectful witch?

She sounds like a typical cluster B personality disordered cheater. They have no regard for others' feelings. They're lifetime 'takers'.

You need to divorce her and be out of her life. She will drive you to insanity and then crush you. They always do that. My wife did that to me. 

Does your wife fit some of these traits?



marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences;
marked tendency to engage in quarrelsome behavior and to have conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized;
liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioral explosions;
difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward;
unstable and capricious (impulsive, whimsical) mood.
Or



disturbances in and uncertainty about self-image, aims, and internal preferences;
liability to become involved in intense and unstable relationships, often leading to emotional crisis;
excessive efforts to avoid abandonment;
recurrent threats or acts of self-harm;
chronic feelings of emptiness.
demonstrates impulsive behavior, e.g., speeding, substance abuse[42]

Or



is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are


Or




shallow and labile affectivity,
self-dramatization,
theatricality,
exaggerated expression of emotions,
suggestibility,
egocentricity,
self-indulgence,
lack of consideration for others,
easily hurt feelings, and
continuous seeking for appreciation, excitement and attention.




Or




Believing that she's better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating her achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that she's special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with her ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those she feels are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of her
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional




?


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

holy crap, sounds like traits of the most maniacal tyrant on the planet!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

ILoveMyWife! said:


> holy crap, sounds like traits of the most maniacal tyrant on the planet!


Not really! Most of us carry these traits. It's the frequency and depth and also the number of traits that matters. Cluster B personalities are often on the extreme side of the scale when it comes to many of these traits.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hueb,

Are you in the process of adopting her child?

If you are, put that process on indefinite hold - until this gets resolved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you two been married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> My question right now deals with my future. Both of us are in the military and although I get to keep the house the military has some rules in place that, in the event of divorce, rule in the favor of the wife getting most of the pay and everything unless you can prove that there was infidelity. She won't tell me and she cut off my access to her Facebook and email.


The military legal (JAG) do not handle divorces. JAG does not handle many civil matters, they don't handle separations or divorce actions. They only handle criminal and estate matters when it comes to soldiers. 

The military does not have rules that in event of divorce, rule in favor of the wife so that they get most of the pay and everything else. The military does not get in the middle of service member divorce cases, so they do not do anything in divorce abased on infidelity

Your wife is a service member. There are not different rules for male and female service members.

If you want a divorce, you need to contact a civilian lawyer back home. Find one that specializes in military divorces so that they know the ins and outs.


huebnem said:


> We have a daughter that I haven't adopted yet, and her man on the side is also married with a daughter. I love her daughter as my daughter even if she isn't mine by blood and she deserves a better life. My wife's mother will fight to take legal claim of her granddaughter is she did cheat so she can have a normal life without multiple men coming to the house constantly...something else I found out my wife lied about.


Do not adopt her daughter if you are not sure of the marriage. You will pay child support until she’s 18 if you do.


huebnem said:


> How? How can I prove anything? I feel like I have no resources and this needs to stop. I don't know why but I can't seem to move on without knowing what happened and taking care of the issue...


Here's some help on how to get a divorce while in the military... of course you have to do it in your home state. The laws of your state are what governs your divorce.

http://statesidelegal.org/divorce-military-families-how-it-s-different-what-you-need-know


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem,

I read your other thread. You wife has already file for divorce and had you served. 

Snooping on her how will not help you. She can see anyone she wants now.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Well that divorce filing was mostly her anger issues at the time. It was after a marriage retreat the Army sent us to mid-deployment. I already knew she was having an emotional affair and she flipped out even more when she caught on and then she tried to make it look like I was cheating all the time. 

Those papers could not be served because I am on a deployment just like her and we can stay any proceedings until we return home.

I am not adopting her daughter anymore. The fact that she let her deadbeat father back into her life sealed that deal a while ago even with there was never a divorce.

And yeah while the military does not have specific rules I have been around for far too many deployment divorces where friends come back from a war zone to find that they have nothing and can't get it back. That is the reason I am keeping her calm now...because she will take anything she can get her hands on and destroy the stuff that she can't get.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

I should add that I did talk to JAG and a civilian lawyer. That's how I know I keep the house no matter what. But they both advised that I get any more information that I can...either HUMINT or ELINT it doesn't matter.

I know it may not be a legal thing but my wife is about power trips...and she has leaders that do not tolerate cheating behavior. Again, not a legal thing but if I know more and so do her leaders I would be in a better position. She actually negotiates when the odds are against her...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> Well that divorce filing was mostly her anger issues at the time. It was after a marriage retreat the Army sent us to mid-deployment. I already knew she was having an emotional affair and she flipped out even more when she caught on and then she tried to make it look like I was cheating all the time.
> 
> Those papers could not be served because I am on a deployment just like her and we can stay any proceedings until we return home.
> 
> ...


If you know that divorce is a civilian civil manner... why did you make the claims you made that the military has rules that you know it does not have. It makes me wonder about everything else you say.

You could accept the divorce and let yourself be served. 

There could be a good reason to do this. One is that once the divorce is served you are more protected. If she takes out loans you are not liable as her spouse for example.

It is not wise to remain married to a person who is hostile while not having any legal protections against them.

For example you said that she cleaned out an account to the tune of thousands of dollars. Well get an attorney who can record this. It does not matter if she took it. She has to give you half of that back. But if you wait to long to make your claim, she would have a good case against your claim.

You have only been married for about a year. That's an extremely short term marriage. The less time you are married, the less obligation you have to your spouse financially. A divorce filing freezes the length of time for the marriage to the day that the divorce was filed.

You do have a good claim that since she filed for divorce, it establishes your separation. So that's good. But if I were you, with a hostile spouse I would want protection in the court system.

Your attorney could keep the divorce from finalizing until you both return state-side.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> I should add that I did talk to JAG and a civilian lawyer. That's how I know I keep the house no matter what. But they both advised that I get any more information that I can...either HUMINT or ELINT it doesn't matter.
> 
> I know it may not be a legal thing but my wife is about power trips...and she has leaders that do not tolerate cheating behavior. Again, not a legal thing but if I know more and so do her leaders I would be in a better position. She actually negotiates when the odds are against her...


What is there to negotiate over?

The house is yours.

Neither of you will owe the other any alimony or child support.

She owes you half of the money she took. That's pretty cut and dry.

What else is there?


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

To clarify the military rules have everything to do with money. Namely, they can cut you off and send your pay to the other person if they want. So, while the civilian ruling can be final the military still has a big say in your money. I mean if you look at the military justice system the Company Commander takes the lead in rape cases...the system is backward in places and outdated but its there. It was a JAG officer explaining it to me and I am a mechanic so...didn't really catch all of it.

From what I have gotten from every lawyer I talked to she doesn't owe me any money back because she kept paying her half of the mortgage...not sure if that is completely true or not.

Also, the Jared account is in my name and dear lord did she ring up $5,000 fast or what. I mean on this deployment I should have come home with enough money to buy a brand new truck...instead this Jared account might put me under. The house factors into it too...it is up to my Commander if I keep getting payment assistance or not. I could quickly go under financially.

That is why I am looking for more solid evidence of her cheating...problem is that a lot of people are afraid of her and won't come forward...


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

I didn't mean to make it sound like I am making anything up...but the current situation in that area that I am in is rapidly going south which adds to the stupid stress of the past 8 months...not to mention me getting bombarded with information and accusations from everywhere. I am not only stressing about what I may or may not come home to...I am just hoping I come home right now...


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

I am also unsure of what to do when we return home. The deployment ends soon if everything goes well. Can I stay in the same house as her? He family will be there too but mine will not because they do not trust her anymore. I don't know how long I can financially afford to stay anywhere besides out house. I would need to give her 30 days to move out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

huebnem said:


> I am also unsure of what to do when we return home. The deployment ends soon if everything goes well. Can I stay in the same house as her? He family will be there too but mine will not because they do not trust her anymore. I don't know how long I can financially afford to stay anywhere besides out house. I would need to give her 30 days to move out.


Don't do anything.

Just wait her out.

You can most definitely wait her out.

Just don't adopt anyone in the meantime


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