# Is TAM as good as therepy?



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

During the decline of my marriage and subsequent separation and divorce I was fortunate enough to discover TAM. As the process unfolded stage by stage I moved forum to forum until ending up on Life After Divorce forum. 

The support and fellowship I received here saved my sanity, it was incredibly comforting to speak with others who were experiencing or had experienced the same stages, the same struggles, the same emotions. You ask a question, you got answers, you speak or your emotions, others share their own. Even when emotions got in the way of my judgment TAM posters steered me in the right direction. I was able to get thru the process without being consumed by hate or unnecessary drama.

When I speak with others about TAM a typical response is a cynical comment of how you can't leave your emotional health in the hands of a bunch of strangers on the internet, or how ONLY with individual therapy can you resolve issues. It's almost as if when I mention TAM it's viewed as a joke with no real value. But this site certainly helped me, and it seems to help many others.

I'm just curious how others feel about this. Was TAM enough for you? Did you need TAM and individual counseling? Which did you find more beneficial?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you have to find who you trust on TAM. There are some wise people here. They really will challenge you to look at your heart and own your own hand in your marital problems. They serve without pay, so they have no reason not to be sincere with you.

I think these people are almost as good as IRL counselors. There is probably no substitute for knowing you in person, observing you, your body language, and just spending lots of time focused on you.

But for a free service, TAM offers something pretty good.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

My experience only:

Marriage counseling and therapy was done with both my wife and I in the room. No matter how transparent you are, you hold tend to hold something back. That said, you typically get more out of your signif's other's true feelings than you would at home in the kitchen table. You also get some nice techniques to practice to resolve some issues. 

TAM is very different. On here, provided you are somewhat covert in your profile, you can unload true feelings and divulge anything. Some of the good aspects are that you get real life examples of very similar problems. You get the failures and successes of these issues. So essentially its a good place to get some ideas. Some of the negatives on TAM are that you get some real real bitter posters. You also get some posters who are in la la land, overly optimistic. Additionally, many on here have a hard time being honest with themselves in these forums. If you aren't transparent or honest with yourself, then you'll never get appropriate help here. 

TAM should not be a subsititute for Marriage Counseling. I do think TAM is a nice source for story/idea sharing. You should also train yourself on the fine art of sifting through the bullshiv for the truly impactful feedback.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I used both. I enjoyed TAM because of the anonymity. I enjoyed the IC because of the personal touch (but I did have VERY good counselors. 3 in fact.)

I started out here under a different username. I was struggling BADLY. But eventually felt like I was strong enough to not need constant advice and didn't come back for a very long time. Once I got to where I felt like I was headed in the right direction, I changed usernames and came here as the "new" me. Looking for advice on new siutations that didn't involve me trying to find who I was outside of an abusive relationship.

I have been a member of other message boards (not relationship related) and have met people in real life that have become some of my dearest friends. I wouldn't recommend meeting someone here though, lol! Totally different dynamic.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No way it's as good as therapy. Not even in the same ballpark. Most of the people here do not have great marriages, or went through nasty divorces, and came here seeking help. Some exceptions apply.

I had to go to therapy when my wife left me as I was having a lot of trouble understanding how my life went from perfect and happy to crap in 3 months. In therapy we discussed what I felt, what had happend and most importantly how to move forward. Not once was I told I was wrong in how I felt, my opinion was wrong, or that is was somehow my fault my x cheated on me and left us. I have been told all these things on TAM.

Now that's isn't to say that TAM isn't useful. I came here when I was lost and confused. Head spinning on how I had worked so hard on my marriage yet was cheated on and left anyway. I was here almost a year before I started posting....just reading. I learned I was not alone and others , both men and women, were going through similar circumstance. That's helped me a lot and I learned to respect some of the other posters and hope I can help others like they helped me. Shared human experience I guess

So TAM is TAM. Good and bad. But no it should never be used for substituting real therapy. 

TAM is for venting and using as a sounding board
therapy is to move forward in life


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I agree with Wolf 100%. There is no substitute for therapy. 

I came here because part of my healing process from my first horrible marriage is to feel that others have suffered like me. I think in finding people who live in similar or even worse situations than you can help you feel less isolated and alone.

I also get good advice here sometimes or read threads where people give good tips on how to make this marriage work better. Sometimes I read the stories to my husband and we both agree on something that we could make better in our marriage.

Hopefully, people do get help when they come to TAM. I wish I could say that everyone comes here with good intentions to help others, but I think we all know that isn't true. Internet will always have trolls, and they even exist here in TAM.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> *TAM should not be a subsititute for Marriage Counseling*. I do think TAM is a nice source for story/idea sharing. You should also train yourself on the fine art of sifting through the bullshiv for the truly impactful feedback.


I agree that TAM cannot substitute a good marriage or individual counselor.

The interesting thing about here is that many people giving
" counsel " here ,themselves are badly in need of counseling.

A person seeking advice here has to know how to sift through tons of horrible , bad advice and avoid snake oil salesmen before they get the help that can actually work for them.

However, amid all of that, what I've noticed is that there are posters here that give excellent , priceless advice that could only have come from experience and observing life.

Ostensibly, these posters also tend to be among the older , more mature folks who have actually been married for quite sometime, and whose marriages have weathered and survived the storms.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
Used carefully I think sites like TAM can be very valuable. Its very important though to remember that the other posters are just people - smart, stupid, wise, foolish, kindly and vicious. 

Counselors are professionals, but, they are also human. There is a good chance that they will be helpful, but not all are.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TAM and therapy are TOOLS that people use to fix issues, not something that actually fixes the issue itself.

People are the only ones that can do that in the end.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Is TAM as good as therapy?*

It's better. It's free.

And you don't need insurance for it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

committed4ever said:


> Ironically I received no help or advice at all for why I orginally came to TAM (thread had since been deleted). I was looking for help for a slowly building disconnect from my H. He was beginning to sink into a depressed state because we couldn't conceive. I got tips and suggestions for things we could do to try to conceive, but no help with how to accept married life without kids we so wanted so badly.


 I remember when I 1st came here, there was an *Infertility section* .. I posted on that a few times...being we had experience with it...all the testing / years trying/ my crying on his shoulder ...very difficult for ME.. then that section on TAM went











> As is typical in life, after accepting and moving on with our childless marriage, we ended up having a beautiful baby girl. If I'm not pregnant within the next 6 months we are seriously considering adoption.


 I was so excited for you ~ knowing your story.. nothing more exhilarating after going through that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> No way it's as good as therapy. Not even in the same ballpark. Most of the people here do not have great marriages, or went through nasty divorces, and came here seeking help. Some exceptions apply.
> 
> I had to go to therapy when my wife left me as I was having a lot of trouble understanding how my life went from perfect and happy to crap in 3 months. In therapy we discussed what I felt, what had happend and most importantly how to move forward. Not once was I told I was wrong in how I felt, my opinion was wrong, or that is was somehow my fault my x cheated on me and left us. I have been told all these things on TAM.


When you hire someone, most won't tell you what you need to hear and be nice. Especially when more sessions = incentive.

Also, you are the best/and only person that can determine which advice is useful and which should be ignored.

I find TAM advice mostly to be on point, but there is always that 25-50% of posts that are a bit off deep end as well.

I think a lot of people struggle to completely ignore their life/situations when giving advice and spill a bit of that onto others.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

TAM provides context. If you're struggling with a particular issue in your marriage and think it's only unique to you, you will quickly learn it isn't.

It also provides clarity. You may think you have a chance to move forward and make progress, in practice you may forget the setbacks.

TAM's relatively dangerous if you don't know what you are in for and you misunderestimate  the magnitude of the issues at hand.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

IMO, TAM is great for two things: realizing that other people in life have similar problems as you, and realizing that other people in life can also think differently than you. (Sometimes much much differently)

Therapy is great for taking all that information and sorting out what's right for you.

They work well together.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> As is typical in life, after accepting and moving on with our childless marriage, we ended up having a beautiful baby girl. If I'm not pregnant within the next 6 months we are seriously considering adoption.


I remember this so well and, like SA, was so pleased for you.

How is motherhood for you?


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