# My wife want’s to sleep with an other men



## Chappers1810

Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


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## BruceBanner

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


Looks like your marriage is over.


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## Chappers1810

BruceBanner said:


> Looks like your marriage is over.


Do you think so 😢 you don’t think it could work then if I let her have fun then come back


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## TJW

Chappers1810 said:


> you don’t think it could work then if I let her have fun then come back


I would tell her that she is perfectly welcome to go, but she will never be allowed back into my life for any reason. 

I can say definitively that it would not "work" for me.


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## Chappers1810

TJW said:


> I would tell her that she is perfectly welcome to go, but she will never be allowed back into my life for any reason.
> 
> I can say definitively that it would not "work" for me.


Thank you for you response I just need advice form other people to see what the hell to do


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## Robert22205

This sounds more like a male fantasy. In any event, (although there's a few exceptions) I don't believe there's a lot of studies or experience showing general support for the notion of trying to fix whatever is lacking in your marriage by bringing a 3rd person into your marriage. 

Why? because that 3rd person has the potential to become a wedge that drives you apart. And make no mistake, your wife's behavior with the OM has already brought him into your marriage (his foot is in the door). 

Neither you (or any spouse, male or female) as a partner in the 24/7 daily grind can compete with the excitement, thrill, or attention from the OM. Nor should you have to.

Why? because the OM is more fantasy than a real person. As a spouse you're like the boring familiar predictable family van trying to compete against a sports car.

Consequently, acting out her fantasy is a slippery slope toward a negative outcome for your marriage.


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## Spicy

Gross. I have a few questions. 

Has there been any infidelity by either of you during your marriage? 
How did you find out about the EA (emotional affair) she is having online?
Why are you considering allowing this “hall pass” to happen? 
Why are you allowing her to cheat right now with this guy?

P.S. Punctuation is your friend.


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## Numb26

She wants to make you a ****. Grow a set, find your dignity and send her packing


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## jlg07

so you DO realize that your wife is ALREADY cheating by having this EA with the online guy, YES?
Why would you want to allow this in your marriage?
Is she ok if YOU go have sex with other women?


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## Chappers1810

Robert22205 said:


> This sounds more like a male fantasy. In any event, (although there's a few exceptions) I don't believe there's a lot of studies or experience showing general support for the notion of trying to fix whatever is lacking in your marriage by bringing a 3rd person into your marriage.
> 
> Why? because that 3rd person has the potential to become a wedge that drives you apart. And make no mistake, your wife's behavior with the OM has already brought him into your marriage (his foot is in the door).
> 
> Neither you (or any spouse, male or female) as a partner in the 24/7 daily grind can compete with the excitement, thrill, or attention from the OM. Nor should you have to.
> 
> Why? because the OM is more fantasy than a real person. As a spouse you're like the boring familiar predictable family van trying to compete against a sports car.
> 
> Consequently, acting out her fantasy is a slippery slope toward a negative outcome for your marriage.


Thank you so much for this it makes a lot of sense I think just love her to much to let her go and just want to to be happy and not leave me now I am the idiot


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## Robert22205

In order for you to be taken seriously, your wife needs to believe (bluff if you have to) that you have zero tolerance for her fantasy and her continued contact with the OM (or any other man). She needs to believe that you are ready to commence the divorce process immediately unless she goes 100% NC. 

Texting is not harmless. Studies and experience shows that texting (including flirting, sexual talk):
1 - triggers the same emotional reactions as face to face contact (people can in a matter of weeks believe they are in love). 
2 - is addictive and triggers the same 'high' as cocaine. 

Insist that she send a text telling the OM that there will be NC.

Since texting is addictive, she's likely to have a difficult time going NC. Therefore, you need access to her phone to monitor NC.

FINALLY. You both should read the book: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity - and the common behavior and boundaries crossed that exposed their marriage to a high risk of infidelity. Basically both spouses have to choose to be married and take certain steps to protect their marriage from temptation.

After reading this book, if your wife wants to remain married, she will not be able to justify her online relationships with OM.


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## Chappers1810

Spicy said:


> Gross. I have a few questions.
> 
> Has there been any infidelity by either of you during your marriage?
> How did you find out about the EA (emotional affair) she is having online?
> Why are you considering allowing this “hall pass” to happen?
> Why are you allowing her to cheat right now with this guy?
> 
> P.S. Punctuation is your friend.


To all your questions I don’t know why I am letting this happen


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## Chappers1810

Robert22205 said:


> In order for you to be taken seriously, your wife needs to believe (bluff if you have to) that you have zero tolerance for her fantasy and her continued contact with the OM (or any other man). She needs to believe that you are ready to commence the divorce process immediately unless she goes 100% NC.
> 
> Texting is not harmless. Studies and experience shows that texting (including flirting, sexual talk):
> 1 - triggers the same emotional reactions as face to face contact (people can in a matter of weeks believe they are in love).
> 2 - is addictive and triggers the same 'high' as cocaine.
> 
> Insist that she send a text telling the OM that there will be NC.
> 
> Since texting is addictive, she's likely to have a difficult time going NC. Therefore, you need access to her phone to monitor NC.
> 
> FINALLY. You both should read the book: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity - and the common behavior and boundaries crossed that exposed their marriage to a high risk of infidelity. Basically both spouses have to choose to be married and take certain steps to protect their marriage from temptation.
> 
> After reading this book, if your wife wants to remain married, she will not be able to justify her online relationships with OM.


Thank you so much I am going to get this book and thanks for all the information you have given 👍🏻


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## Robert22205

The reason she must go 100% NC is that every time she receives a text from the OM, her feelings are re-triggered. 

Like any addict, she has to go through withdrawal (no contact at all). 

And when she complains (and she will), inform her that whatever discomfort she feels about missing the OM is the consequence for her inappropriate sexting behavior online. 

Whatever she's missing in her life ...if she wants to be married to you, she needs to stop acting 'single' and find another solution other than online relationships with other men.


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## snerg

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and *she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk* with him *she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more* so *she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America *but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place



She has sex talk with someone on-line.
You allow it because...?
You haven't contacted a lawyer to start divorce process because...?


She has asked for a dirty weekend with the on-line man.
You didn't immediately call a lawyer and start divorce process because....?

You need to find a lawyer and get divorce process rolling.
You need to start the 180?
You need to call a counselor, someone who specializes in infidelity, and get some serious counseling for you.


You need to figure out why you would allow your wife to have an EA
You need to figure out why you didn't call a lawyer the moment she announced that she needs to have a dirty weekend.
You need to figure out why you haven't booted her out the door.
You need to figure out why this person is still in your life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

There's a good chance your W has already been cheating, locally.

What country do you live?

Why do you think she's comfortable with her personal safety to travel to one country, meet a guy she's never met, for them both go, together, to yet another country as a couple?

She sounds too experienced in the cheating game for this to be her first time to have cheated on you my friend.

You better lock down your finances and emotions because she's already gone and will soon be leaving you regardless.

For her to even put this question to you, asking if it's ok means she's already checked out of the M.

Whatever answer you give her will be something she's planning on blame shifting the reasons she's unhappy on to you.

No matter what you do, say, or try to change even she's setting you up for a fall.

Grow a pair and plan on living a happier single life. There's no way things will get better for you from this. She unknowingly or perhaps knowingly has given away her hand showing future plans on a life without you.

Or better in her eyes - she's seeing how long you'll support her financially and leeching off you emotionally while she lives as if single, milking you for as long as possible.

Right now she's tired of the effort it takes to keep cheating activities from you and is feeling you out with the next step, as she stretches all this out towards the best time on her time table to split.


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## Tdbo

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


Sounds like you need to think of your needs as well. Get ahold of her phone. Document everything , with multiple copies in secure places. Secure your finances. Study up on the 180. Implement it. Find yourself the biggest SOB of an attorney you can find. File divorce paperwork swiftly.
What she needs is a divorce. Deliver it as coldly and quickly as possible. Blow up her world.


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## Chappers1810

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There's a good chance your W has already been cheating, locally.
> 
> What country do you live?
> 
> Why do you think she's comfortable with her personal safety to travel to one country, meet a guy she's never met, for them both go, together, to yet another country as a couple?
> 
> She sounds too experienced in the cheating game for this to be her first time to have cheated on you my friend.
> 
> You better lock down your finances and emotions because she's already gone and will soon be leaving you regardless.
> 
> For her to even put this question to you, asking if it's ok means she's already checked out of the M.
> 
> Whatever answer you give her will be something she's planning on blame shifting the reasons she's unhappy on to you.
> 
> No matter what you do, say, or try to change even she's setting you up for a fall.
> 
> Grow a pair and plan on living a happier single life. There's no way things will get better for you from this. She unknowingly or perhaps knowingly has given away her hand showing future plans on a life without you.
> 
> Or better in her eyes - she's seeing how long you'll support her financially and leeching off you emotionally while she lives as if single, milking you for as long as possible.
> 
> Right now she's tired of the effort it takes to keep cheating activities from you and is feeling you out with the next step, as she stretches all this out towards the best time on her time table to split.


Thank you I live in the uk so I do understand now where you are coming from I think I am a idiot and I have put so much in to are 17 years together and the kids I think about as well and thanks for your help and explain your side thank you 😊


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## She'sStillGotIt

Robert22205 said:


> The reason she must go 100% NC is that every time she receives a text from the OM, her feelings are re-triggered.
> 
> Like any addict, she has to go through withdrawal (no contact at all).
> 
> And when she complains (and she will), inform her that whatever discomfort she feels about missing the OM is the consequence for her inappropriate sexting behavior online.
> 
> Whatever she's missing in her life ...if she wants to be married to you, she needs to stop acting 'single' and find another solution other than online relationships with other men.


Are you REALLY trying to attribute this ridiculous behavior to an "addiction?"

#1: In order for it to GET to "addiction" status, she had to have *already crossed some major lines for a while*, so let's call it what it REALLY is - and has been since day #1 - unacceptable PIG behavior with zero respect shown towards her husband. That's what it REALLY is.

#2: See #1.

Why is it SO hard for people to hold cheaters *accountable* for their **** behavior?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP,

No one thinks you're an idiot, don't think that. 

It's human nature to sometimes blindly not see what is hitting us in the face because a person is just not quite ready to acknowledge some bad news or process some sad Information.

Like the 17 yrs you have in this M, and I sure wish imho it would heal and you'd have 30 more great years.

If, and it's likely to happen that you two separate it will be a grieving and healing process with no exact one size fits all answers.

But there is perhaps some good news - you're now slowly opening your eyes, and starting to understand what may really be happening, what your W may be doing.

She is showing by her actions she no longer putting your heart or well being first anymore.

Hang in there. The most helpful thing you can do for yourself and family is to just be ready for the worst case, and clearly know it looks bad.

Trouble is on the horizon. Just be ready.


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## Openminded

No.

That’s a fantasy for some men but if it’s not for you then shut it down.


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## Yeswecan

Going to shag another guy is just fine. However, that can be done when she is not your W any longer. Honestly, were do people come up with these stupid ideas?


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## Anastasia6

No, no and no.

Also you have sex once a week but she wants more... Do you not want to give her more?


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## Lostinthought61

I'm sorry you find yourself here, clearly she is trying to write the narrative to your marriage. I would simple tell her that if she goes to meet him expect to be served divorce papers when she gets back.

Just curious what if you wanted to hook up with women is she okay with that?


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## Chappers1810

Lostinthought61 said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself here, clearly she is trying to write the narrative to your marriage. I would simple tell her that if she goes to meet him expect to be served divorce papers when she gets back.
> 
> Just curious what if you wanted to hook up with women is she okay with that?


Ya she is with that


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## Chappers1810

Anastasia6 said:


> No, no and no.
> 
> Also you have sex once a week but she wants more... Do you not want to give her more? Yes definitely


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## Camper292000

Read this before and it seems that men can really love a woman.....
But a woman will profess love until she's not seeing enough money,excitement or she just decides she's not haaaaaaappppy anymore.

Start stocking money away and draw a line in the sand.

I think it's going to be hard as I've read so many forums because once a woman feels this way.....she's going to jump ship.

Protect yourself man!


Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


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## desiresmore

So I’ll be the oddball out here. Personally I think poly relationships are the way of the future for humanity. Threesomes and other such poly types of arrangements do NOT need to end a relationship. In fact they can be done well and lead to a very fulfilling non-traditional life. Maybe she is naturally more capable of multiple relationships and not satisfied with the traditional monogamistic approach. You will hear lots of people make emotional, romantic and cultural arguments on this topic, not to mention the religious aspects. Just know that it can be done and does work well if the individuals involved are mature enough and non-possessive enough to develop a communicative and fulfilling poly relationship.


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## Chappers1810

desiresmore said:


> So I’ll be the oddball out here. Personally I think poly relationships are the way of the future for humanity. Threesomes and other such poly types of arrangements do NOT need to end a relationship. In fact they can be done well and lead to a very fulfilling non-traditional life. Maybe she is naturally more capable of multiple relationships and not satisfied with the traditional monogamistic approach. You will hear lots of people make emotional, romantic and cusltural arguments on this topic, not to mention the religious aspects. Just know that it can be done and does work well if the individuals involved are mature enough and non-possessive enough to develop a communicative and fulfilling poly relationship.


I really appreciate this reply it put’s a different point out they I do have so much to think about. I just wish my love was enough 👍🏻 Thank you


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## Bobbyjo

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


How do you feel about her sleeping with other men? You’re all over the place.....right?
Sounds like this isn’t jiving for you?


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## Camper292000

Google hypergamy

Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


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## Chappers1810

Bobbyjo said:


> How do you feel about her sleeping with other men? You’re all over the place.....right?
> Sounds like this isn’t jiving for you?


I have been thinking about so much and if that’s what make her happy I was thinking let’s see how it goes 
And yes I am all over the place mate 
And yes you probably right


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Dude,

If she sees multiple men, and you're ok with that - bear in mind if the right guy, of the other guys, says he doesn't want her seeing other men and that includes you, its very high percentage, almost for certain she'll drop you like a hot potato. 

Hot wick dipping with other men and odds are, she's not only gone now in mind but will then be physically gone anyway.


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## Bobbyjo

Chappers1810 said:


> I have been thinking about so much and if that’s what make her happy I was thinking let’s see how it goes
> And yes I am all over the place mate
> And yes you probably right


Well I commend you for being a loyal and committed person to her happiness, but seems to me like the thought of her sleeping with other men isn’t making you happy. You deserve someone who will be loyal to you just as much as your loyal to them.


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## Mr. Nail

Chappers1810 said:


> Do you think so 😢 you don’t think it could work then if I let her have fun then come back


There are plenty of people who are married to cheaters. You are now one of them. Some, like you, are aware that the cheating is happening. Some are aware that the cheating happened, but has stopped. Some are unaware. 
Now that you are aware of the cheating, your relationship has forever changed. It can never go back to what it was. It can be something else. Something that you probably wouldn't have chosen at the beginning. 
You are really asking us if you can live with that change. Only you can answer that. But, the odds are against you, most people choose not to live with the change. Most people are not comfortble living with a cheater.


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## hinterdir

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


Unless you are into open relationships, swinging and you yourself are also going to go have relations with other women then you really have no options.
You have to divorce her.
The way you word it isn't 100% clear.....she wants to but you have the yes no veto power and she will honor your wishes or she is going to do it...she isn't asking you she is just informing you of what she is already planning to do. I'm not sure which of these scenarios you actually mean.
Regardless, unless you are into open relationships how can you live with either?
I do not know about you but another man having sex with my wife is 100% divorce. But even if you know she is wanting to and that she is all set to do it....how can you ever really trust her?
Even if you say no and she says she'll respect that (like I said, from her description I'm not even sure if that is the case or not) you'll always wonder if she is doing it behind your back and you'll know you aren't the man in her life?
I really see no way to recover from this. She has told you she really, really wants to cheat on you and let other men have her inside and out sexually (and then you are supposed to still want her) or she is going to do it whether you consent or not. 

Unless, swinging and open relationships is your thing....a quick "boy did I choose the wrong partner and need a do-over" divorce is your only option.


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## Girl_power

If the problem that she wants more sex then you can give her? I mean once a week may not be enough for her. Can you have sex more often?


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## hinterdir

Chappers1810 said:


> Do you think so 😢 you don’t think it could work then if I let her have fun then come back


No.
Seriously though, are you into swinging and open relationships?
If not, why would you even want her again? After just hours or days prior she was letting another man touch her, kiss her, taste her, penetrate her, her touching him all over, passionate, wet kisses, bodily fluids in and on her, his junk in her mouth (and maybe more)...the mouth you kiss...her passion, her desire...100% for some other man, her feeling his touch everywhere on her body....then she comes home to you....."how was your weekend hon"
Why would you ever want to look at her or touch her ever again? EVER?
I'm not being snarky I mean it.....how could you ever want her ever again?
3.5 BILLION women on the Earth.....go find another. There's got to be plenty better than this one. 
Do not settle, no need to, go find someone else.


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## hinterdir

Chappers1810 said:


> Thank you so much for this it makes a lot of sense I think just love her to much to let her go and just want to to be happy and not leave me now I am the idiot


Being willing to accept anything she does, even her betraying you and hurting you to the core just so she doesn't "leave you" is a weak position. Once you get some distance and get away from her you'll snap out of this and realize she is not a catch. Anyone willing to put you through this is not someone to fill your life with joy and love....she'll make you miserable, hurt, anxious and worried all the time. 
She'll make your life hell. 
Make that hard but healthy decision to end this. 
What she is talking about is adultery, an affair, betraying you as her husband, doing to most selfish and painful thing to you, putting other men above you, breaking her marriage promise to you.
This is the stuff the ends marriages....not what you "LET" her do to be "HAPPY".


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## Tilted 1

Chappers1810 said:


> Thank you so much for this it makes a lot of sense I think just love her to much to let her go and just want to to be happy and not leave me now I am the idiot



It's time to love yourself now, and find a woman who loves you for what you stand for. She has already put *him" over you. And why ar you good with this? It's because you have her on this imaginary pedestal, or vision of who you thought she was.
Wrap up his up and let her go, your love for her is not recriocipated in anyway shape or form. How many more men will it take to keep her happy, I will tell you this more than one.
Weird, sorry about the bullet points.


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## Taxman

A client found the best way to shut down the "maybe we should sleep with others" talk. He told his wife that during his side of the open marriage, he would be working on bagging three women; Her best friend, her sister and her mother. His wife's mouth dropped open. He went yeah, after I bag all three, then I would be leaving you, knowing full well I had destroyed your family first. That was the last time she ever asked or thought of stepping out. He made sure there was no one in her orbit, and told her some weeks later that she had been followed. She said she was totally unaware, he showed her the PI report, and descriptions of people and vehicles that followed her. She freaked and said that if she ever stepped out of the marriage, she had no idea how fast she could get caught.


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## jorgegene

Spicy said:


> Gross. I have a few questions.
> 
> Has there been any infidelity by either of you during your marriage?
> How did you find out about the EA (emotional affair) she is having online?
> Why are you considering allowing this “hall pass” to happen?
> Why are you allowing her to cheat right now with this guy?
> 
> P.S. Punctuation is your friend.


This is the best most concise answer all in one word.

GROSS!


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## [email protected]

Kick her to the curb!


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## ConanHub

desiresmore said:


> So I’ll be the oddball out here. Personally I think poly relationships are the way of the future for humanity. Threesomes and other such poly types of arrangements do NOT need to end a relationship. In fact they can be done well and lead to a very fulfilling non-traditional life. Maybe she is naturally more capable of multiple relationships and not satisfied with the traditional monogamistic approach. You will hear lots of people make emotional, romantic and cultural arguments on this topic, not to mention the religious aspects. Just know that it can be done and does work well if the individuals involved are mature enough and non-possessive enough to develop a communicative and fulfilling poly relationship.


Honestly, the past will repeat itself and the majority of women will end up with men like me. If you really believe the line you're pushing that is. 😉😁


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## ConanHub

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Dude,
> 
> If she sees multiple men, and you're ok with that - bear in mind if the right guy, of the other guys, says he doesn't want her seeing other men and that includes you, its very high percentage, almost for certain she'll drop you like a hot potato.
> 
> Hot wick dipping with other men and odds are, she's not only gone now in mind but will then be physically gone anyway.


A territorial man will take her away quickly.


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## desiresmore

I don’t believe in all that machismo, territorial Stuff.


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## Rob_1

.


> desiresmore said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don’t believe in all that machismo, territorial Stuff.
> 
> It doesn't matter what you believe about it. Mother nature doesn't give a hoot about beliefs.
> What it really matters is who is passing what genes on. Be a beta weak male and let your woman do as she pleases with sexual behaviour and before you know it or don't..you'll find out that the child you raised is not even yours. It happens all the time. This is the biological premise which forces males to guard their mate. Regardless of your opinion women are attracted to strong confident men.
Click to expand...


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## Deguello

Chappers1810 said:


> Do you think so 😢 you don’t think it could work then if I let her have fun then come back


You would start a bad thing for your marriage, if this is the first time, don't let her. I f she comes home meet her with divorce papers,she made a conscious choice. Tell her she might not ever see her children.


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## 3Xnocharm

I am floored by the number of weak, spineless men we have been seeing on TAM lately. Never in my life would I have thought that so many men would just roll over belly up and let their wives cheat and stay. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

desiresmore said:


> I don’t believe in all that machismo, territorial Stuff.


Facts don't care about your feelings.


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## heartsbeating

Chappers1810 said:


> Thank you I live in the uk so I do understand now where you are coming from I think I am a idiot and I have put so much in to are 17 years together and the kids I think about as well and thanks for your help and explain your side thank you 😊


At the very least, she's honest about it.

I'll throw a couple of options into the mix to consider. That she wants an open relationship; that she wants the other guy but wants to check things out before leaving the marriage; that she (in a screwed up kinda way) wants you to say no, and become more 'territorial' about the marriage - or more solid about what you want/need from her. 

One response to her asking you this, if you decide that you're not okay with it, could well be, 'Go for it, but I won't be here when you get back.'

Have either of you been linked sexually with others during the 17 years? I think the biggest thing for you to work out is what you want. That's separate to what will keep her around - granted, what you think might keep her in the marriage, may actually be the opposite of what you're considering.


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## MattMatt

I actually went through something similar to this. Though we hadn't at that time hit 17 years and we had/have no children.

Having said that, it's not a path I would recommend.

You require counselling as a couple and individually.


----------



## frusdil

Chappers1810 said:


> Do you think so 😢 you don’t think it could work then if I let her have fun then come back


Why on earth would you allow her to disrespect you this way? Why would you want to remain married to a woman like this?



Chappers1810 said:


> Thank you so much for this it makes a lot of sense I think just love her to much to let her go and just want to to be happy and not leave me now I am the idiot


You're not an idiot because she wants to do this. You've been blindsided. You would however, be an idiot if you allow this to happen. You need to put your backbone back in and think "how dare she do this, I won't tolerate it".

If you're ok with it, then have at it, but I don't think you are or you wouldn't be here.


----------



## Numb26

3Xnocharm said:


> I am floored by the number of weak, spineless men we have been seeing on TAM lately. Never in my life would I have thought that so many men would just roll over belly up and let their wives cheat and stay.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This place is crawling with them and I wouldn't use the word "men" to describe them. I actually feel pity for them because they are victims.


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


You have several issues coming up here.

First, is the fact that she has been having this emotional/cyber affair. Have you known about it the whole time, or at least within a reasonable amount of time for her to recognize that the relationship had evolved to this level? Whether she has been open and honest about her relationships online make a major differeence.

Next issue is, was she planning on doing this, if the pandemic wasn't happening, without telling you, or whether or not you approved? This too make a hugh difference is how things stand and play out.

Open relationships and poly relationship (not necessarily the same things) are fine and well, as long as all parties involved are aware and consenting. It sounds like she has some sexual needs that you either can't or won't meet. There is no real issue with her looking outside to meet those needs, so long as it is something that she is open and honest about and you are alright with. Open/poly is not something that all people can do. Heck, it's not something most people can do. But for those who can handle such, it can be a good thing.

Now keep in mind, that starting open/poly cannot save a realtionship. If you are having issues already, this is not a solution. starting open/poly when there are singnificant problems will just further damage the relationship.


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> To all your questions I don’t know why I am letting this happen


You didn't answer all the questions. Your response only addresses the last two.



Spicy said:


> Has there been any infidelity by either of you during your marriage?


This is an important question. If you have committed an infidelity (and by this I mean something done without knowledge and consent of the other), then maybe she is feeling justified in a"good for the goose, good for the gander" sort of way. If she has inthe past, it may show a problem with her maintaining relationships.



> How did you find out about the EA (emotional affair) she is having online?


Why you are allowing this has noting to do with this question. This too is an important question. Did she come to you to inquire about her "dirty weekend"? Did you stumble on the conversation because she left it on the computer screen? Again the answer is of great significance.


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> Lostinthought61 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Just curious what if you wanted to hook up with women is she okay with that?
> 
> 
> 
> Ya she is with that
Click to expand...

If she doesn't have issues with you being with other women, then it seems as if she is open/poly. The question is are you? There can be great advantages to being in such an arrangement and there can be great dangers. Even if you do not want to be with other women, that doesn't mean that you cannot remain with her. Mono/poly relationships can and do work. Like all other relationship they do take work. Again, it comes down to what is it that you want in your life.


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> Anastasia6 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Also you have sex once a week but she wants more... Do you not want to give her more?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes definitely
Click to expand...

I had to edit a bit because it seemed that you put your reply inside the quote. If I got it wrong, feel free to correct.

If you want to have more sex with her, what is stopping the two of you from having more sex?


----------



## maquiscat

desiresmore said:


> So I’ll be the oddball out here. Personally I think poly relationships are the way of the future for humanity.


Not the oddball, as there are a few of us on this forum. That said, I doubt that poly will be the way of the future. _A _way maybe, but monogamy seems to be as common as heterosexuality, while poly has the frequency of homosexuality. Not intended to be a direct comparision, but you should get the idea. Otherwise, I agree with the rest of your post.


----------



## Chappers1810

maquiscat said:


> You didn't answer all the questions. Your response only addresses the last two.
> 
> 
> 
> This is an important question. If you have committed an infidelity (and by this I mean something done without knowledge and consent of the other), then maybe she is feeling justified in a"good for the goose, good for the gander" sort of way. If she has inthe past, it may show a problem with her maintaining relationships.
> 
> 
> 
> Why you are allowing this has noting to do with this question. This too is an important question. Did she come to you to inquire about her "dirty weekend"? Did you stumble on the conversation because she left it on the computer screen? Again the answer is of great significance.





maquiscat said:


> You didn't answer all the questions. Your response only addresses the last two.
> 
> 
> 
> This is an important question. If you have committed an infidelity (and by this I mean something done without knowledge and consent of the other), then maybe she is feeling justified in a"good for the goose, good for the gander" sort of way. If she has inthe past, it may show a problem with her maintaining relationships.
> 
> 
> 
> Why you are allowing this has noting to do with this question. This too is an important question. Did she come to you to inquire about her "dirty weekend"? Did you stumble on the conversation because she left it on the computer screen? Again the answer is of great significance.


So to your second question she has had an affair before and that was about five years ago and we both got over it to move moved on to your third question she told me about it and was very honest and part of me wishes she didn’t but glad she did


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> I really appreciate this reply it put’s a different point out they I do have so much to think about. I just wish my love was enough 👍🏻 Thank you


Think about this. Do you ever wish your friendship was enough that your friend didn't have other friends? Or should a child wish that their love was enought that their parents didn't want another child? Why should romantic relationship be any different? Just as you have some friends that meet some needs and other friends that meet other needs, so too, can you have intimate partners who meet different needs. Just as parents can love all their children equally, but differently, so to can intimate partners. We all have the capacity to have multiple _loves _at the same time. The ability to handle multiple intimate _relationships _at the same time is another matter.


----------



## maquiscat

hinterdir said:


> Unless you are into open relationships, swinging *and you yourself are also going to go have relations with other women* then you really have no options.


This part is not an automatic necessity. Having the option, yes. But he doesn't have to have partners outside the marriage if he doesn't want to, assuming a consentual open marriage gets established. For years before we met our other spouses, my legal wife, not only allowed but encouraged my seeing other women. And while she had the ability to do so, only once did she ever find another man who attracted her in such a manner. Having open or poly relationships doesn't mean that everyone has to have multiple partners, only that the option is there.


----------



## maquiscat

Rob_1 said:


> .It doesn't matter what you believe about it. *Mother nature doesn't give a hoot about beliefs.*
> What it really matters is who is passing what genes on. Be a beta weak male and let your woman do as she pleases with sexual behaviour and before you know it or don't..you'll find out that the child you raised is not even yours. It happens all the time. This is the biological premise which forces males to guard their mate. Regardless of your opinion women are attracted to strong confident men.


I am going to agree with your here. Nature doesn't give a hoot about _beliefs _about monogamoy and "alpha/beta male" crap either.


----------



## maquiscat

3Xnocharm said:


> I am floored by the number of weak, spineless men we have been seeing on TAM lately. Never in my life would I have thought that so many men would just roll over belly up and let their wives cheat and stay.


It's not cheating if knowledge and consent are present.


----------



## maquiscat

heartsbeating said:


> that she (in a screwed up kinda way) wants you to say no, and become more 'territorial' about the marriage - or more solid about what you want/need from her.


Now there is a perspective that hasn't come up yet. It might not be so much that she want to have an externial partner, but wants him to show more possesivness. If he does, she gets what she wants. If he doesn't, then she knows to start looking elsewhere.


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> So to your second question she has had an affair before and that was about five years ago and we both got over it to move moved on to your third question she told me about it and was very honest and part of me wishes she didn’t but glad she did


At what point did she tell you about it? Were you aware of the other man prior to her asking for her "dirty weekend"?


----------



## Chappers1810

maquiscat said:


> At what point did she tell you about it? Were you aware of the other man prior to her asking for her "dirty weekend"?


No I wasn’t aware of the other man until after it happened last time but this time she is talking to me about it


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> No I wasn’t aware of the other man until after it happened last time but this time she is talking to me about it


I meant this time. Had she mentioned this guy she wants to have the weekend with prior to mentioning the weekend, or was the mention of the weekend the first you learned of him. I'm not concerned about 5 years ago in this context.


----------



## Chappers1810

maquiscat said:


> I meant this time. Had she mentioned this guy she wants to have the weekend with prior to mentioning the weekend, or was the mention of the weekend the first you learned of him. I'm not concerned about 5 years ago in this context.


No she mentioned it before to me 
about a week before then she mentioned wanted to have a weekend away I have looked and it as probably be going on for about 1 Month Now


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> No she mentioned it before to me
> about a week before then she mentioned wanted to have a weekend away I have looked and it as probably be going on for about 1 Month Now


So just to be clear....

She met this guy online only a month ago and it's developed to a point that about a week ago she asked if she could have a weekend with him?

OR

She met this guy some time ago, and then about a month ago it started moving into the intimate territory, with her mentioning the weekend a week ago?


----------



## Chappers1810

maquiscat said:


> So just to be clear....
> 
> She met this guy online only a month ago and it's developed to a point that about a week ago she asked if she could have a weekend with him?
> 
> OR
> 
> She met this guy some time ago, and then about a month ago it started moving into the intimate territory, with her mentioning the weekend a week ago?


No it was a month ago as she meet him though a game called nov


maquiscat said:


> So just to be clear....
> 
> She met this guy online only a month ago and it's developed to a point that about a week ago she asked if she could have a weekend with him?
> 
> OR
> 
> She met this guy some time ago, and then about a month ago it started moving into the intimate territory, with her mentioning the weekend a week ago?


i know it is hard to believe but it as been a month as she meet him though a game called Evony and she as been playing it for about 2 months So you are probably right it as been going on for 2 months now


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> No it was a month ago as she meet him though a game called nov
> 
> i know it is hard to believe but it as been a month as she meet him though a game called Evony and she as been playing it for about 2 months So you are probably right it as been going on for 2 months now


I believe it. Having had my share of online relationships, I know how fast.one can develop. But is sounds like, it's just developed and that she hasn't been hiding this, as much as realizing it is a things so she said something. I'd take it as a good sign that she brought it up and didn't have an affair again.

The question is where do you stand? Do you have an issue with her being physically with other men? Are you open or closed to the idea of open/poly? You are not in the wrong wither way.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars

3Xnocharm said:


> I am floored by the number of *weak, spineless men* we have been seeing on TAM lately. Never in my life would I have thought that so many men would just roll over* belly up* and let their wives cheat and stay.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Some men sport the equipment, and carry it around.....yet choose to sit out the game on the sidelines.

As women can be, become very aggressive, men can be, become merry passive.

I see him as belly-down, not up.
With him, his eye-side down;, the dark soil he faces covers the vision of his wife with other men.

Yet, that blur, with her having her *dirty weekend*, it thought-so apart from his presence, ah, she is next to him in the soil that is mind.

When he can no-more hold up his head, the soiled shame will get into OP's eyes.
All this, while his wife gets dampened and soiled by that other man.

Being face down, he can only cry out, those, his tears wetting the dirt.
With his manhood, screwing hard, the ground in love/hate protest.

I am of the opinion that OP has a loose grip on reality and a tight one on his soon-lost Fate.


_The Typist-_


----------



## Chappers1810

maquiscat said:


> I believe it. Having had my share of online relationships, I know how fast.one can develop. But is sounds like, it's just developed and that she hasn't been hiding this, as much as realizing it is a things so she said something. I'd take it as a good sign that she brought it up and didn't have an affair again.
> 
> The question is where do you stand? Do you have an issue with her being physically with other men? Are you open or closed to the idea of open/poly? You are not in the wrong wither way.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


Yes I agree I’m actually really happy that she told me first so we can talk about it and go from there and I am in two minds about the open relationship I just wanna say thanks for all your messages and support And help to to find a way to get through this as I’ve been in relationship for 17 years and I wanna do my best to try make it work as I believe relationships you have to work or not give up on


----------



## SunCMars

Sharing your wife with other men makes her a mere figment of your mind.
A glorious, voyeurs dream.

She is ever-naked, totally carnal, one not needing, nor possessing a solid personality.

Men who share their wife, see her as an extension of their own desires.
As desire can come and go, so can she.

And, likely will.

Great sex can get you shortly through the night, but not through the long gauntlet, that is life.

_The Typist-_


----------



## SunCMars

Numb26 said:


> _This place is crawling with them_ and I wouldn't use the word "men" to describe them. I actually feel pity for them because they are victims.


Is it?

Note: _This type_ gets the most responses, hence, whence, _this type_ takes note, and they come in for the haircut and the back-rub.

Men (and women) come in many flavors, not all to your liking.....nor mine.

Yes, the world has room for these types, and truly, common women have less need of them.

Most women want to be loved by one man.

And, some women slowly, by one-man-at-time.
And, some women by a quick series of men.

_Gwendolyn-_


----------



## hinterdir

maquiscat said:


> It's not cheating if knowledge and consent are present.


I'd say most will not give consent. 
Sex is just between me and her. 
Your lifestyle is a minority not the norm. 
For most sex is intensely intimate, personal and 100% exclusive between two people. 
Breaking that one on one bond ends the marriage. 
The thought of another man having my wife disgusts me and I'd never want her again ever.


----------



## hinterdir

Chappers1810 said:


> No I wasn’t aware of the other man until after it happened last time but this time she is talking to me about it


Clarify what you mean when you say "IT HAPPENED"?


----------



## frusdil

Chappers1810 said:


> Yes I agree I’m actually really happy that she told me first so we can talk about it and go from there and I am in two minds about the open relationship I just wanna say thanks for all your messages and support And help to to find a way to get through this as I’ve been in relationship for 17 years and I wanna do my best to try make it work as I believe relationships you have to work or not give up on


So your wife has cheated previously, saw how devastated you were and decided to do it again only this time she'll tell you first? Oh mate, you deserve so much better than this.

This is the kind of behaviour that cheapens sex. It becomes a cheap, dirty thrill. Yuck. Just my opinion but I think a long marriage, with a healthy, loving sex life between just the two spouses is incredibly special and something to aspire to and be proud of. Very fulfilling.

Not this sharing your spouse random sleazeballs/skanks for **** fests. Gross.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

And that is exactly why you don’t reconcile a cheater, because they think it gives them permission to just go and do it again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

maquiscat said:


> Now there is a perspective that hasn't come up yet. It might not be so much that she want to have an externial partner, but wants him to show more possesivness. If he does, she gets what she wants. If he doesn't, then she knows to start looking elsewhere.


There's something really freeing about when one's thoughts, feelings, and actions are aligned within oneself. 
And the options that open up / the letting go of expected outcomes feels amaze-balls.

So in a scenario like this, one knows what they're about and acts accordingly. Meaning, the carrying of oneself is not reliant on the other.


----------



## maquiscat

hinterdir said:


> I'd say most will not give consent.
> Sex is just between me and her.
> Your lifestyle is a minority not the norm.
> For most sex is intensely intimate, personal and 100% exclusive between two people.
> Breaking that one on one bond ends the marriage.
> The thought of another man having my wife disgusts me and I'd never want her again ever.


I am well aware that open/poly is not the norm, and is a minority, but like other minorities, that is no reason to dismiss it nor berate it. The OP is in the middle of a decision of whether or not to provide consent. Therefore to prematurely call his wife's actions, which have not been taken, cheating, is the dismissial of a minority lifestyle.


----------



## hinterdir

maquiscat said:


> I am well aware that open/poly is not the norm, and is a minority, but like other minorities, that is no reason to dismiss it nor berate it. The OP is in the middle of a decision of whether or not to provide consent. Therefore to prematurely call his wife's actions, which have not been taken, cheating, is the dismissial of a minority lifestyle.


I would say the only way that would ever even remotely work is if he was 100% on board and wanted it too.
I can tell he does not....he is just thinking about letting her just so he does not lose her.
I can tell this is NOT his thing....just HER thing.


----------



## ConanHub

maquiscat said:


> I am going to agree with your here. Nature doesn't give a hoot about _beliefs _about monogamoy and "alpha/beta male" crap either.


I'm not into alpha or beta terms but there is absolutely solid historical and current evidence that strong, confident males that are territorial sexually are far more desired by and successful with woman than those not displaying those traits.


----------



## maquiscat

hinterdir said:


> *I would say the only way that would ever even remotely work is if he was 100% on board and wanted it too.*
> I can tell he does not....he is just thinking about letting her just so he does not lose her.
> I can tell this is NOT his thing....just HER thing.


I don't disagree with this in and of itself. What I don't agree with....yet...is that this is not something he wants. As I have noted before, I am not only a part of various lifstyle communities, but an educator within them. I have repetedly seen this unassuraedness in people presented with a new possibility for the first time. In some cases, they come to enjoy it and be 100% behind it. In other cases they end up being absolutly against it. There are even situations where they learn that while they don't care for it in and of itself, it doesn't bother them and they will do it for their mate(s). @Chappers1810 is at a point of discovery and decision. I am not trying to get him to decide for or against this situation. I'm just trying to help him make his decision with all the information. If this ends up being a thing he either can happily live with or enthuthiasticly enjoy, all power to him. If he decides that this is not what he wants to deal with, then he needs to start looking at whether or not he is compatible with this woman. But jumping right into the idea that she is a cheater, or rather still is, is just an immediate dismissial of his possibilities. I'm seeing a lot of people here trying to convince him that what is right and wrong for him, instead of helping him to figure that out for himself.


----------



## maquiscat

ConanHub said:


> I'm not into alpha or beta terms but there is absolutely solid historical and current evidence that strong, confident males that are territorial sexually are far more desired by and successful with woman than those not displaying those traits.


I will give you strong and confident, but even submissives can be strong and confident. The number of times I've see a sub look a wannabe Dom in the eye when he or she tried to command them and say, "I may be a sub, but I am not your sub. Nick off!" (paraphrased off multiple various responses). But comments such as @Rob_1 made imply that not being that way he thinks a man should be makes them a "weak beta male"


----------



## jlg07

hinterdir said:


> I would say the only way that would ever even remotely work is if he was 100% on board and wanted it too.
> I can tell he does not....he is just thinking about letting her just so he does not lose her.
> I can tell this is NOT his thing....just HER thing.


Here is the problem I have. SHE ALREADY cheated earlier in the marriage. This isn't some "desire" to have an open marriage for the both of them or some sort of poly relationship. This is his wife FULLY acknowledging that she wants to cheat again (already has the guy lined up) and wants to be able to not feel guilty about it.

This really isn't any sort of "alternative" relationship -- she just wants to cheat and feels entitled to it, and THAT is the way she is presenting it.


----------



## hinterdir

jlg07 said:


> Here is the problem I have. SHE ALREADY cheated earlier in the marriage. This isn't some "desire" to have an open marriage for the both of them or some sort of poly relationship. This is his wife FULLY acknowledging that she wants to cheat again (already has the guy lined up) and wants to be able to not feel guilty about it.
> 
> This really isn't any sort of "alternative" relationship -- she just wants to cheat and feels entitled to it, and THAT is the way she is presenting it.


I could not get the guy to confirm if she has already had sex outside of marriage....it is vague.
You took it some guy has already done her?


----------



## hinterdir

maquiscat said:


> I don't disagree with this in and of itself. What I don't agree with....yet...is that this is not something he wants. As I have noted before, I am not only a part of various lifstyle communities, but an educator within them. I have repetedly seen this unassuraedness in people presented with a new possibility for the first time. In some cases, they come to enjoy it and be 100% behind it. In other cases they end up being absolutly against it. There are even situations where they learn that while they don't care for it in and of itself, it doesn't bother them and they will do it for their mate(s). @Chappers1810 is at a point of discovery and decision. I am not trying to get him to decide for or against this situation. I'm just trying to help him make his decision with all the information. If this ends up being a thing he either can happily live with or enthuthiasticly enjoy, all power to him. If he decides that this is not what he wants to deal with, then he needs to start looking at whether or not he is compatible with this woman. But jumping right into the idea that she is a cheater, or rather still is, is just an immediate dismissial of his possibilities. I'm seeing a lot of people here trying to convince him that what is right and wrong for him, instead of helping him to figure that out for himself.


She is a cheater because she is already talking sexually with another man and making sex plans and he has not given her the "ok".
His ok should be the first thing.
She has already strayed.


----------



## jlg07

He said THIS in Post #60:


Chappers1810 said:


> So to your second question she has had an affair before and that was about five years ago and we both got over it to move moved on to your third question she told me about it and was very honest and part of me wishes she didn’t but glad she did


Yes, she has ALREADY cheated in the marriage, it got rug-swept, and now she feels entitled to do this without guilt. I'm sure she really doesn't CARE what he thinks -- I am pretty sure she is going to do this anyway.

The fact she is already in an EA with this other guy to me is ALSO cheating (although he may not view it this way). I think the OP is being WAY too laid back on this, but that's me. He may not mind the idea of his wife sleeping with others.


----------



## hinterdir

jlg07 said:


> He said THIS in Post #60:
> 
> 
> Yes, she has ALREADY cheated in the marriage, it got rug-swept, and now she feels entitled to do this without guilt. I'm sure she really doesn't CARE what he thinks -- I am pretty sure she is going to do this anyway.
> 
> The fact she is already in an EA with this other guy to me is ALSO cheating (although he may not view it this way). I think the OP is being WAY too laid back on this, but that's me. He may not mind the idea of his wife sleeping with others.


Well he is a chump for even sticking around


----------



## Chappers1810

Ok so let me try to make it clear
So my wife had affair with someone at work about 5 years ago and I found out about it after she did it. 
and about 2 months ago she started playing a game called Evony and she as been taking to someone on there about bdsm witch she as spoken to me about but I am not in to that sort of thing but I am willing to try
But this other man seems to be experienced in this as my wife as said become he tells her story’s and that is what she loves 
And let me say we are in the Uk and the other man is in the USA 
Sorry I am not the best at explaining 
I hope this makes it a little clearer 

and I big thanks to everyone that is replying to my post and trying to help 🙏🏻


----------



## ConanHub

maquiscat said:


> I will give you strong and confident, but even submissives can be strong and confident. The number of times I've see a sub look a wannabe Dom in the eye when he or she tried to command them and say, "I may be a sub, but I am not your sub. Nick off!" (paraphrased off multiple various responses). But comments such as @Rob_1 made imply that not being that way he thinks a man should be makes them a "weak beta male"


You are illustrating a ridiculous example from your particular controlled environment. In the wild, a weak man is going to get killed if he doesn't watch his step and he might be able to pick up some scraps left over from stronger men but will not have first choice options. Your little sub boy would have been fed to dogs in a Khan era.


----------



## ConanHub

Chappers1810 said:


> Ok so let me try to make it clear
> So my wife had affair with someone at work about 5 years ago and I found out about it after she did it.
> and about 2 months ago she started playing a game called Evony and she as been taking to someone on there about bdsm witch she as spoken to me about but I am not in to that sort of thing but I am willing to try
> But this other man seems to be experienced in this as my wife as said become he tells her story’s and that is what she loves
> And let me say we are in the Uk and the other man is in the USA
> Sorry I am not the best at explaining
> I hope this makes it a little clearer
> 
> and I big thanks to everyone that is replying to my post and trying to help 🙏🏻


You don't think your wife is just a bit pathetic and ridiculous for cheating on you in the first place and now behaving like a moron? Cut bait my friend and find a grown ass woman who knows who her damn husband is.


----------



## maquiscat

hinterdir said:


> I could not get the guy to confirm if she has already had sex outside of marriage....it is vague.
> You took it some guy has already done her?


He did say something in one of his responses to me about her having cheated about 5 years ago. However, it is not clear as to what extent that went to, be it only an emotional affair, with maybe some 1st or 2nd base activity, to use the common metaphor, or all out physical affair. He didn't even note whether it was a one noight stand or a drawn out thing.


----------



## jlg07

Chappers1810 said:


> Ok so let me try to make it clear
> So my wife had affair with someone at work about 5 years ago and I found out about it after she did it.
> and about 2 months ago she started playing a game called Evony and she as been taking to someone on there about bdsm witch she as spoken to me about but I am not in to that sort of thing but I am willing to try
> But this other man seems to be experienced in this as my wife as said become he tells her story’s and that is what she loves
> And let me say we are in the Uk and the other man is in the USA
> Sorry I am not the best at explaining
> I hope this makes it a little clearer
> 
> and I big thanks to everyone that is replying to my post and trying to help 🙏🏻


So she cheated 5 years ago AND SHE IS CHEATING RIGHT NOW! The fact that she hasn't physically slept with the guy is irrelevant. A wife should not be talking to another man about BDSM and telling him that YOU don't do that for her. You are WILLING, yet she doesn't want that -- she wants HIM to do it? I really do hope you see that SEE is cheating and NONE of this will end well. She will continue to walk all over you.
Without that respect and love for you, this isn't much of a marriage.


----------



## maquiscat

hinterdir said:


> She is a cheater because she is already talking sexually with another man and making sex plans and he has not given her the "ok".
> His ok should be the first thing.
> She has already strayed.


That's cheating in your book. Not everyone is using the same definition. If @Chappers1810 doesn't consider that cheating, then for that relationship, it's not cheating. Furthermore, since this has only developed in the last two months, it is very well possible that the relationship between W and OM has just now evolved into the point where they have realized they want to engage in sex.


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> Ok so let me try to make it clear
> So my wife had affair with someone at work about 5 years ago and I found out about it after she did it.
> and about 2 months ago she started playing a game called Evony and she as been taking to someone on there about bdsm witch she as spoken to me about but I am not in to that sort of thing but I am willing to try
> But this other man seems to be experienced in this as my wife as said become he tells her story’s and that is what she loves
> And let me say we are in the Uk and the other man is in the USA
> Sorry I am not the best at explaining
> I hope this makes it a little clearer
> 
> and I big thanks to everyone that is replying to my post and trying to help 🙏🏻


OK This opens up a whole new world, with all new implications and possibilities. I do wish you has lead with more of these details. But no matter. We have them now.

First off, let me point out that it is possible to engage in BDSM activity with a person outside your pimary relationship without sex occuring. In fact, that is a common occurance, especially at public play clubs and such .

So now you need a lot more details about what is going on. Is sex planned? Any kind of genital or erotic zone touching? Kissing? Full nudity or partily clothed? What plays is this guy experienced in? Where did he learn them? Does he have references? Is he part of a reglarly meeeting group that you can vet him through other members? What are you willing to do? What classes would you be willing to take? Have they done any kind of negotiation? What is her safe call plan? Is the OM willing to meet with you? Does your wife know what her hard and soft limits are? Has she made sure OM knows these? Does he or she have any health issues that need to be kept in mind? Have safe words been established? Mind you some of this may not have been discussed since permission hasnt been obtained. But it definantly needs to be adddressed prior to her ever leaving to go see him.

First time play should not be quickly jumped into. You can make some shortcuts if you are in a public playspace with DM's around, but there still needs to be some minimum negotiation done prior to a session beginning. Even with someone I've played with several times, I always at least do a check on any health issues, and if any limits have changed, even when we play in a private home.

I would highly reccommend that you two look for BDSM munch groups in your area. PM me if you would like some help with that. Even if you never get into BDSM yourself, she will have local people who can help her learn, you can at least learn enough along side her to keep her safe, and you might find some more local play partners. Even better will be if they offer classes on various types of plays. That is the best way to learn how to do them safely.


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## maquiscat

ConanHub said:


> You are illustrating a ridiculous example from your particular controlled environment. In the wild, a weak man is going to get killed if he doesn't watch his step and he might be able to pick up some scraps left over from stronger men but will not have first choice options. Your little sub boy would have been fed to dogs in a Khan era.


I don't think you really understand how submissives are in the BDSM lifestyle. We choose who gets to have our submission. No one gets to demand it of us and we can take care of our own when they try to take it. That being said, strong and confident doesn't automaticlly mean physically. Look at various leaders across time and setting. Their personal strength and confindence allows them to surround themselves with others who are physcially stronger, yet look to them for the guidance. From world leaders to dictators and crime lords. If we are to label a "beta male" or a weak male, it is the one who let's others dictate what happens, not those who make decisions about what happens. That includes deciding that they are alright with their woman being able to see other men. To me that takes more strength and confidence than being fearful that the woman will leave for the other man and thus trying to control them.


----------



## Chappers1810

maquiscat said:


> I don't think you really understand how submissives are in the BDSM lifestyle. We choose who gets to have our submission. No one gets to demand it of us and we can take care of our own when they try to take it. That being said, strong and confident doesn't automaticlly mean physically. Look at various leaders across time and setting. Their personal strength and confindence allows them to surround themselves with others who are physcially stronger, yet look to them for the guidance. From world leaders to dictators and crime lords. If we are to label a "beta male" or a weak male, it is the one who let's others dictate what happens, not those who make decisions about what happens. That includes deciding that they are alright with their woman being able to see other men. To me that takes more strength and confidence than being fearful that the woman will leave for the other man and thus trying to control them.


What can I say this as been so helpful and to be honest. I have no clue about bdsm 
and I don’t no anything about him witch Is probably not good.
But I am going to see what I can find out and get more information and go from there 
And I am willing to try anything to help my marriage 
And this om is in the use so I don’t think anything is going to happen any time soon with what is going 
And thank you so much 🙏🏻


----------



## maquiscat

Chappers1810 said:


> What can I say this as been so helpful and to be honest. I have no clue about bdsm
> and I don’t no anything about him witch Is probably not good.
> But I am going to see what I can find out and get more information and go from there
> And I am willing to try anything to help my marriage
> And this om is in the use so I don’t think anything is going to happen any time soon with what is going
> And thank you so much 🙏🏻


You're welcome, and yes you should have time, given the situation here.

As I said, if you, or anyone else for that matter, have specific questions that you don't want to tie the thread with, I will happily accept PM's.


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## 3Xnocharm

I’m not understanding why all this poly and bdsm crap is being discussed here.... she isn’t asking for an open marriage! She wants to **** another man! And she figures since OP seemed cool with it by sticking around last time, that he’s a big enough pushover doormat that she can do it again and know he’ll still be sitting there when she gets home!

OP wake the hell up! Your wife is a cheating piece of crap! Is this the kind of wife you want?? I don’t think so or you wouldn’t be here. Take your balls out of her purse and tell her this bullcrap with another man stops or she gets the hell out permanently. No in between, no negotiation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat

3Xnocharm said:


> she isn’t asking for an open marriage! She wants to **** another man!


That's what an open marriage is. And even a poly marriage can be closed. Open marriage means that those within the marriage can seek other relationships, physical or emotional, outside the marriage. Closed marriage means only those within the marriage. Swinging is when the outside relationship is physical/sexual only. Poly is emotional, and may or may not include sex.



> I’m not understanding why all this poly and bdsm crap is being discussed here....


Open/poly is being discussed because there is a possibility that the OP's marriage could turn into one or the other. BDSM has now been added because the OP has noted that such is what his wife is looking to engage in.


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## jlg07

"BDSM has now been added because the OP has noted that such is what his wife is looking to engage in '
BUT she is trying to engage in this OUTSIDE of her marriage even though her husband is willing to try it.
I REALLY do NOT think this is any sort of real attempt at an open/poly situation here.


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## hinterdir

maquiscat said:


> That's cheating in your book. Not everyone is using the same definition. If @Chappers1810 doesn't consider that cheating, then for that relationship, it's not cheating. Furthermore, since this has only developed in the last two months, it is very well possible that the relationship between W and OM has just now evolved into the point where they have realized they want to engage in sex.


When you are married you commit to that one person. 
Anything SEXUAL with another person is cheating UNLESS you get the ok from your spouse.
One spouse doesn't just get to make up on the fly what they get to do with another man or woman sexually and unilaterally dictate the other spouse has to be ok with it. 
That is called being SINGLE. When married you do not get to do that anymore.

Until her husband says sure go have sexy talk with other men...plan intercourse dates together....I'm fine with it....it is unfaithful to her wedding/marriage vows. 

You seem to be advocating for married persons to get sexually involved with other people without their spouse being aware or giving their consent....hence living like you are single even though you are married.


----------



## ConanHub

3Xnocharm said:


> I’m not understanding why all this poly and bdsm crap is being discussed here.... she isn’t asking for an open marriage! She wants to **** another man! And she figures since OP seemed cool with it by sticking around last time, that he’s a big enough pushover doormat that she can do it again and know he’ll still be sitting there when she gets home!
> 
> OP wake the hell up! Your wife is a cheating piece of crap! Is this the kind of wife you want?? I don’t think so or you wouldn’t be here. Take your balls out of her purse and tell her this bullcrap with another man stops or she gets the hell out permanently. No in between, no negotiation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He is apparently weak and will soon be lacking a woman. Since she is faithless, he probably won't be missing much.


----------



## ConanHub

maquiscat said:


> I don't think you really understand how submissives are in the BDSM lifestyle. We choose who gets to have our submission. No one gets to demand it of us and we can take care of our own when they try to take it. That being said, strong and confident doesn't automaticlly mean physically. Look at various leaders across time and setting. Their personal strength and confindence allows them to surround themselves with others who are physcially stronger, yet look to them for the guidance. From world leaders to dictators and crime lords. If we are to label a "beta male" or a weak male, it is the one who let's others dictate what happens, not those who make decisions about what happens. That includes deciding that they are alright with their woman being able to see other men. To me that takes more strength and confidence than being fearful that the woman will leave for the other man and thus trying to control them.


You are still living in your own head. Your niche lifestyle isn't reality. Actual history and science on this do not back your opposing view of what I said to another poster.

Men like me don't share and we get more than our fair share of women.

I'm not an advocate for poly relationships but passive guys who don't mind other men taking their women don't stand a chance.


----------



## maquiscat

hinterdir said:


> When you are married you commit to that one person.


Only if such are your vows. Common, indeed, but nowhere near universal.



> One spouse doesn't just get to make up on the fly what they get to do with another man or woman sexually and unilaterally dictate the other spouse has to be ok with it.


I see no unilateral dictation happening on her part, at least per the OP's description. She asked. We dont know to what extent and what details have occured between the W and OM. For all we know she had expressed a general interest, and the OM offered with the caveat of permission of her husband. Now if there are more details that arise that shifts the OP's narative, such as the revealing of the BDSM aspect, I am quite willing to change my mind.Until then I am not jumping to conclusions.



> Until her husband says sure go have sexy talk with other men...plan intercourse dates together....I'm fine with it....it is unfaithful to her wedding/marriage vows.


That's up to him to say when the line has been crossed, not you. You only get to draw the line for you and your wife/mate. "sexy talk" might not be an issue for them. I've not seen anything in his writing that suggests that he does have an issue with any conversation between W and OM yet. This has all been assumption on yours and others parts as to whether or not he is feeling that this was a betrayal.



> You seem to be advocating for married persons to get sexually involved with other people without their spouse being aware or giving their consent....hence living like you are single even though you are married.


That is an assumption on your part based on your bias. You have probably not seen my posts in other theads. I explictly note that that going behind backs, keeping things a secret, is cheating. You have no actual idea whether or not their conversations have been held secret. Nor do you know for fact what the OP considers cheating. Hell we have that one wife that considers masterbation cheating, so there is no one universal definition of cheating.


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## maquiscat

ConanHub said:


> You are still living in your own head. Your niche lifestyle isn't reality. Actual history and science on this do not back your opposing view of what I said to another poster.
> 
> Men like me don't share and we get more than our fair share of women.
> 
> I'm not an advocate for poly relationships but passive guys who don't mind other men taking their women don't stand a chance.


And yet I am the one with two wives, a husband and girlfriends who are also with other men. Now admittedly, none of the GF's have lasted more than 2 or 3 years, but also we learned in that 2 or 3 years, we are not compatible beyond playmates. I'm still friends with those still in the area. I have yet to lose a gf to another man, or woman for that matter. Poly is indeed reality. Not majority by far, but still reality. 

BTW, if you don't share AND you get more than your fair share of women, how do you do so without being poly/open?


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## jlg07

Sorry, but no.
SHE ALREADY had these conversations with the guy about BDSM and meeting up LONG before talking with her husband. This isn't poly or open, this is cheating.

If she had said, hey I've been thinking about it, let's explore and THEN found someone, then that is open/poly.


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## ConanHub

maquiscat said:


> And yet I am the one with two wives, a husband and girlfriends who are also with other men. Now admittedly, none of the GF's have lasted more than 2 or 3 years, but also we learned in that 2 or 3 years, we are not compatible beyond playmates. I'm still friends with those still in the area. I have yet to lose a gf to another man, or woman for that matter. Poly is indeed reality. Not majority by far, but still reality.
> 
> BTW, if you don't share AND you get more than your fair share of women, how do you do so without being poly/open?


You are too far behind the 8 ball to have a conversation with me but I will be kind. If I wanted to and if poly really was the future, as it has already been in the past BTW, I would easily have many without sharing at all while others went without.

History and science back this assessment. You are fringe and not at all mainstream. If poly became as popular as it use to be in history, men like me would dominate sexually with ease.

I might not be an advocate of poly but that doesn't mean I'm uninformed about what I could do if I had a mind to.

Don't be foolish enough to assume that someone who doesn't can't.


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## Spicy

OP, your answer is simple. Do you want a marriage where your wife has sex with other men, or not?


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## EleGirl

Chappers1810 said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 17 years now and we have 3 kids together and she as been talking to someone else on line and have sex talk with him she as spoken to me about it and saying she needs this we have sex once a week and the sex is good but she still wants more so she is asking for a dirty weekend way with this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned yet because of what’s going on so as anyone else had this problem and if so any help would be amazing one more think she still what’s to be with me I am all over the place


I have not read this entire thread so I don't know if this has been covered yet.

Your wife has met some guy online who claims he lives in the US and wants to meet her somewhere in Europe for a wild few days. Have you or she even thought about the danger of this?

Has she even ever talked to this gun on the phone? Has she done a back ground check on him to see if what he's telling her is real; if he's even who he says he is?

A little over a week ago a friend of mine called me. She's single and met a guy who claims to be single via a dating site. They had been contacting via email and text for over 2 months. He claimed to live in NYC and to work at the FBI. The day she called me, he told her that he was in London on FBI business. He'd been trying to get her to meet him somewhere... where she would have to fly to be be away from where she lives. There was just something off so she called me.

I asked her to send me everything she had on him.. photos, email address, phone number, email address, etc.

After a bit of searching on line I found him in real life. Surprise, surprise. The name he was using is not his real name. He lives in San Francisco as does she. He's married. He has a high end real estate company. One of the photos he sent to her is all over his business website and all sorts of professional info about him online.

This is scary as it gets. There is only one reason to carry out this sort of scam and it's not good.

Have you and your wife not heard about men who meet women on line and mislead them, scam them, or abduct them, or even kill them?

This whole thing is crazy and dangerous.

ETA: Also, have you two talked about the risk of her bringing home the gift of STDs? Any man who flies around the world to bang strange women is not a safe person.


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## manfromlamancha

Chappers, you do not seem to be getting the point. The problem is not with the POSOM or the fact that you do not know enough about his BDSM credentials - it is about the fact that your wife wants to screw other men!!! That is the first thing you need to deal with and being in love with your wife is natural but not any basis for allowing this behaviour if you are opposed to it. You already allowed it to happen 5 years ago and if anything, this site is about protecting your marriage by being stronger, not weaker or co-dependent.

Sure the others from the sidelines or periphery of relationships will try and give you advice on alternative lifestyles etc but this is not what you are concerned about, is it? And TAM has seen this many many times before. Betrayed spouses who come here and then see how wrong they were to rugsweep, do the pick-me dance, be too co-dependent, live on hopium, continue to be the abused nice-guy or KISA (knight in shining armour) etc etc

The commentary on BDSM, Polyamory, Swinging, Open Marriages has gone way off track, is in danger of threadjacking and obscuring the fact that your wife is wanting to cheat on you - yes, cheat since you clearly did not sign up for her screwing other men.

You need to understand that since she got away with it quite easily 5 years ago, she is now setting the stage for her to be able to screw other men at will by "telling you about it" and even trying to justify why it should be OK with you or hoping that you are so dependent on her that you will let her have her way. This is very wrong and thank God for the CV virus stopping air travel or else this could have gone much further by now. But that's not to say that she won't find someone nearer to home next.

So my advice is that you should filter out all the discussions on optional lifestyles, and start concentrating on the fact that she wants to cheat. Get this resolved first. You cannot even entertain an alternative lifestyle unless you are on solid ground with your relationship and also until you deal with the fact that she is a cheater and is looking to become a serial cheater. Resolve this first. It will probably end with you needing to decide whether you want to put up with the pain she will inflict (which you absolutely do not need to do) or do what many others have done (quite successfully) which is to protect yourself and your assets, custody etc, kick her out and work on improving your state of mind and well-being.

You have the luxury of the virus to give you all the time you need to work on yourself and get rid of this cheating wife of yours or else get her to see the error of her ways and to start doing the heavy lifting to improve things with you. Anything less will be subjecting yourself to a lifetime of pain and misery.


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## manwithnoname

OP has been married 17 years with 3 kids and he knows of one time she's cheated, quite possibly not the only time. She also now wants permission to have a guy on the side. 

Has anyone recommended DNA tests to determine paternity of the 3 kids?


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## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> You are too far behind the 8 ball to have a conversation with me but I will be kind. If I wanted to and if poly really was the future, as it has already been in the past BTW, I would easily have many without sharing at all while others went without.
> 
> History and science back this assessment. You are fringe and not at all mainstream. If poly became as popular as it use to be in history, men like me would dominate sexually with ease.
> 
> I might not be an advocate of poly but that doesn't mean I'm uninformed about what I could do if I had a mind to.
> 
> Don't be foolish enough to assume that someone who doesn't can't.



I constantly hear how poly is "the thing of the future" and everytime I do I laugh.


----------



## Numb26

manwithnoname said:


> OP has been married 17 years with 3 kids and he knows of one time she's cheated, quite possibly not the only time. She also now wants permission to have a guy on the side.
> 
> Has anyone recommended DNA tests to determine paternity of the 3 kids?


Stats say one in three men are raising kids that they think are their own. Be a good idea to DNA check.


----------



## maquiscat

Numb26 said:


> I constantly hear how poly is "the thing of the future" and everytime I do I laugh.


Yeah, kind of like how interracial and same sex marriage were the thing of the future, and people laughed. Look where we are now.


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## Numb26

maquiscat said:


> Yeah, kind of like how interracial and same sex marriage were the thing of the future, and people laughed. Look where we are now.


Difference is those two have actually come into being and more importantly, they are still based on monogamy. Polys have been around touting their beliefs since the 60's (maybe even earlier but not in the public consciousness) and in those 60 years it still hasn't and never will grab a foothold except with the fringe element.


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## Numb26

Not to threadjack but the OP came here because his wife is basically cheating openly and instead of you telling him to call her out on it you told him to just roll over and take it. Instead of telliig him to call her out on her actions you have turned it into HIS responsibility to fix the situation. That steals his dignity and self respect.


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## ABHale

Chappers1810 said:


> I really appreciate this reply it put’s a different point out they I do have so much to think about. I just wish my love was enough 👍🏻 Thank you


It has nothing to do with how much YOU love your wife. It is obvious she doesn’t give a damn about you.

Hope you enjoy being a second rate cuckold husband.

Do you not care enough for your kids to have any self respect. Hope you don’t have boys that you teaching how to be a cuckold.


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## ABHale

Chappers1810 said:


> No I wasn’t aware of the other man until after it happened last time but this time she is talking to me about it


😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Does she have your nuts in a jar as well?


----------



## Numb26

maquiscat said:


> The thing here is I am giving him options. As much as you want to deny the growing popularity of both the BDSM and poly lifestyles, and yes admittedly, they are still as "niche market" as oh say bungee jumping, they are still valid options that many people find fulillment in. I have made it clear that he gets to choose what he wants. I have given him the questions that he needs to answer to decide if this is something he wants to do. If he wants to go the open and/or BDSM route, then he has support and education available. If he decides that he cannot accept her being with anyone else, then he has support and education on how to handle that route as well. From me, he is getting support no matter what he decides. From you he's getting, "If you don't do it our way, then you are a wuss and less than a man." Talk about toxic masculinity.


Haha! If a man not wanting the one he loves having sex with or becoming emotional attached too someone else makes him "toxic", then I will be more then happy to be considered toxic.

And yes, you wouldn't be much of a man (or woman) if you let your SO cheat openly and didn't divorce them. If you don't have any respect for yourself, then noone else will.


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## ABHale

Look up bdsm.

watch a video of it.

Them tell us if you are ok with another man doing that to your wife?

Then ask if you are ok with your wife wanting another man doing that to her?


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## Tdbo

Chappers1810 said:


> Ok so let me try to make it clear
> So my wife had affair with someone at work about 5 years ago and I found out about it after she did it.
> and about 2 months ago she started playing a game called Evony and she as been taking to someone on there about bdsm witch she as spoken to me about but I am not in to that sort of thing but I am willing to try
> But this other man seems to be experienced in this as my wife as said become he tells her story’s and that is what she loves
> And let me say we are in the Uk and the other man is in the USA
> Sorry I am not the best at explaining
> I hope this makes it a little clearer
> 
> and I big thanks to everyone that is replying to my post and trying to help 🙏🏻


I think that you made a huge mistake five years ago and it is coming back to bite you big time now.
She cheated on you. What were the consequences for that?
Apparently few or none. Only difference is now she is asking for permission. Seriously?
What happens if you say no? I'd guess she'd go behind your back anyway.
You appear to be much too passive. You need to take charge of your marriage.
From what I've read here, your wife might actually respect you for it.
Stop letting her walk on you. Her choice should be simple, either she wants to be married to you or not.
Inform her that if she wants to be on line with strange guys, setting up solo vaca's with them to play BDSM, then that means that you need to take corrective legal action.
Tell her that she took marital vows that did not her include being a public utility for all comers.
Tell her that if you want a "S***," that you would prefer not being married to one, that you would rather acquire one on an as needed basis.
If she wants to try BDSM, fine. I'd say she can try it with you. Research and try it. Go from there.
IF she wants to be dominated, go for it. Might do her some good.
However, there are many reasons that she should not be allowed to do what she wants to do. The obvious is that she is married, and you don't want a petri dish full of STD's. There was an excellent point made here about the danger of being abducted, raped, killed, or even sold into sex trafficking. It's not safe for the marriage or her personally.
It is time to take swift action and do what you should have done five years ago, and that is deal straight up with infidelity.
I won't go into all of it, as there are many resources on this site that deal with it, as well as steps and best practices to utilize .
Bottom line is it's time for both of you to decide whether or not you want to be married. If yes, you both need to take the steps to repair it. If not, lawyer up and pull the trigger. The choice is yours. Live in limbo or not.


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## ABHale

Well if she does get abducted, OP’s troubles would be over with.


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## maquiscat

ABHale said:


> Look up bdsm.
> 
> watch a video of it.
> 
> Them tell us if you are ok with another man doing that to your wife?
> 
> Then ask if you are ok with your wife wanting another man doing that to her?


_A_ video? Any video that would include *all* of BDSM would be will over 48 hours, assuming that we limited each play to about 2 or 3 minutes each. BDSM covers a vast range of activities, and I really doubt that there is anyone is does all of it. BDSM has expanded to pretty much include most kinks, even beyond the initial B/D, D/s, and S/M. Age play, sensation play, fire play, knife play, blood play, the list goes on. What odd false stereotype do you have in your mind as to what BDSM is?


----------



## ABHale

maquiscat said:


> _A_ video? Any video that would include *all* of BDSM would be will over 48 hours, assuming that we limited each play to about 2 or 3 minutes each. BDSM covers a vast range of activities, and I really doubt that there is anyone is does all of it. BDSM has expanded to pretty much include most kinks, even beyond the initial B/D, D/s, and S/M. Age play, sensation play, fire play, knife play, blood play, the list goes on. What odd false stereotype do you have in your mind as to what BDSM is?


I only thinks he needs a little taste of it to get the picture.

The thought of his wife coming home with “love” marks should be enough.


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## manfromlamancha

This is fast becoming a threadjack again. Linking sleeping with other men via polyamory to bungee jumping, gay marriages and even BDSM practice in order to give it more credibility than it deserves is just a tactic that the fringe use to justify what they do. And it is wrong and in the case of gay marriages (and bungee jumping), downright insulting. But worst of all it is detracting the OP from focussing on what he needs to and why he came here in the first place. There are many sites dealing with polyamory, bungee jumping and bdsm that he can go to. I believe he is trying to save his marriage and come out of this in tact. So lets just stop with that line of discussion!


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## BarbedFenceRider

I say get a divorce. Do it amicable. Co-parent and be super dad. If she stills wants you as a F-buddy, then you can decide what you want. She can screw around and you are the good guy. I think eventually, your gonna find another partner that is more to your liking and fulfill you life better than accepting cuckholdry. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LisaDiane

I just want to say THANK YOU to @maquiscat for his open-minded viewpoint and supremely patient responses...even though I am NOT into the poly-lifestyle, I always gain a great perspective (as I'm sure others do, including the OP) from what he shares. I can see why you are an "educator" - you are great at it!!  

I'd also like to add that "territorial, confident men" might be able to ATTRACT women (and ONLY the women interested in being "in" your "territory"), but KEEPING them takes a little more...and _arrogance_ is an excitement-killer for any woman of worth.


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## EleGirl

manfromlamancha said:


> This is fast becoming a threadjack again. Linking sleeping with other men via polyamory to bungee jumping, gay marriages and even BDSM practice in order to give it more credibility than it deserves is just a tactic that the fringe use to justify what they do. And it is wrong and in the case of gay marriages (and bungee jumping), downright insulting. But worst of all it is detracting the OP from focussing on what he needs to and why he came here in the first place. There are many sites dealing with polyamory, bungee jumping and bdsm that he can go to. I believe he is trying to save his marriage and come out of this in tact. So lets just stop with that line of discussion!


Yep.. I agree with this.

The thread jacks need to stop.


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## Marc878

Bud, what relationship are you trying to salvage? I don’t see one.


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## Numb26

Marc878 said:


> Bud, what relationship are you trying to salvage? I don’t see one.


Apparantly the one between his wife and the OM


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

This thread has gone full circle.

OP, much good advice throughout, you've heard virtually every thing than can be advised.

Question now is only for you; will you take any action at all?

Good luck sir.


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## mickybill

My guess the guy is not in the US and 85% of what he says is made up.


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## sokillme

Numb26 said:


> Haha! If a man not wanting the one he loves having sex with or becoming emotional attached too someone else makes him "toxic", then I will be more then happy to be considered toxic.


(Raises Hand), then I am ****ing cancer.


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## maquiscat

mickybill said:


> My guess the guy is not in the US and 85% of what he says is made up.


He stated as much that he was not in the US. He's in the UK specifically.


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## jlg07

Looks like the guys says he IS from the U.S. but will MEET in Europe:


Chappers1810 said:


> this other men who lives in America but there are both going to meet in Europe somewhere nothing been planned


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## manfromlamancha

jlg07 said:


> Looks like the guys says he IS from the U.S. but will MEET in Europe:


The guy is from the UK. His wife is talking to a man in the USA and is planning to meet with him somewhere in Europe.


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## jlg07

manfromlamancha said:


> The guy is from the UK. His wife is talking to a man in the USA and is planning to meet with him somewhere in Europe.


Sorry, I thought maquiscat was referring to the AP, not the OP.


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## mickybill

I thought the AP dude says he is from the US, which may or not be true. Seems like a long way to go for some strange. I'd keep an eye on her CC in this scenario I smell a catfish. She still wants to have an affair, but probably should stay local. Unless this is all a ruse to the OP attention with some wacky sexcapade story.


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## maquiscat

mickybill said:


> I thought the AP dude says he is from the US, which may or not be true. Seems like a long way to go for some strange. I'd keep an eye on her CC in this scenario I smell a catfish. She still wants to have an affair, but probably should stay local. Unless this is all a ruse to the OP attention with some wacky sexcapade story.


The OM may be someone who travels to the EU on a regular basis. It would only be an assumption that he is making the trip special just for the play time.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

maquiscat said:


> The OM may be someone who travels to the EU on a regular basis. It would only be an assumption that he is making the trip special just for the play time.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


In all fairness, it makes NO DIFFERENCE where the guy is from, where he travels to, or if this is a special trip or not.

SHE is the one who is cheating, and SHE is the one the OP needs to worry about.


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