# Men, I need your help.



## confused girl (Jun 22, 2011)

ok. so this is the first time i am posting on a website like this, but i feel like i have no one to go to. i am so lost and confused. i should explain what is going on. i have been with my fiancee for three years.. going on four. from the moment i met him, i was head over heels in love with him. i still love him. about a month and a half ago, i found out he was going on craig's list and seeking out women in the personals section. he would email sexual messages to these women, even including pictures of his private area. i sat him down the night i found out and told him i knew. he never denied anything and apologized right away. naturally, i asked when it started. he said it had started 6 months prior when we started having some problems. he said that he never met up with anyone and that he had never received any responses back from these women. to make a long story short, i later found out that the messages started 5 months after we met (so three years ago), he has had communication with some (exchanging texts and even getting addresses and times on when they could meet up), and his craigs list escapades started for the very first time 5 years ago. so now i am at a cross roads.. what do i do? do i stay or go? does he really love me if he is doing all these things. he says he stopped talkin/ texting with these girls because he didnt want to cheat on me.. well if everything else was altered to sound better... can i trust that he didnt really go through with anything? i am so confused, hurt, disgusted, and alone. please help!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You dump this lying sack of dog doo. He hasn't said "I do" and he has proven he can't be trusted. He couldn't keep it together for 5 months (that you know of)? Any marriage is going to have some problems. This guy can't deal constructively with problems and he can't honestly own up to his failings and take appropriate corrective action. Blaming his juvenile pervish behavior on his relationship problems with you doesn't speak well of this guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dump him


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## richards (Jun 22, 2011)

Get out now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused girl (Jun 22, 2011)

thank you! i know i need to leave.. i guess i have been waiting for a miracle. i suggested counseling and at first he was all for it and now, he says that i have pushed him into it. he now says that he never wanted to go. he still insists that nothing ever physically happened and that he only liked the attention since i wasnt "putting out" as he so plainly put it in a text to one of the girls. 

this seriously came out of nowhere. this man is so wonderful and loving. everyone who knows about the overall situation regarding the emails is completely shocked by his behavior. i know i have been stupid for staying, but i was hoping the man that i fell in love with was still there. i guess there is no real hope for a change, is there?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

confused girl said:


> thank you! i know i need to leave.. i guess i have been waiting for a miracle. i suggested counseling and at first he was all for it and now, he says that i have pushed him into it. he now says that he never wanted to go. he still insists that nothing ever physically happened and that he only liked the attention since i wasnt "putting out" as he so plainly put it in a text to one of the girls.


If this had happened to one of your closest female friends, what advise would you give her? To dump him, right? So if you wouldn't want your best friend to go through this, why on Earth are willing to subject yourself to this?



> this seriously came out of nowhere. this man is so wonderful and loving. everyone who knows about the overall situation regarding the emails is completely shocked by his behavior. i know i have been stupid for staying, but i was hoping the man that i fell in love with was still there. i guess there is no real hope for a change, is there?


The guy is broken and you are headed for more heartbreak if you continue the relationship with him. Get out now before something unexpected happens like you getting pregnant by him.


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## confused girl (Jun 22, 2011)

entropy3000: on your trust post, you said you had an EA a while back. this is where i am having trouble deciding what to do. some people can make mistakes. how can i know that he might learn from his mistakes and never do it again? 

i do have to give him props that when confronted, he did not deny. do you think people can change? people may be able to right their wrong?


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

seriously, dude - unfortunately your whole relationship has occurred while he has been doing things behind your back. What would it even be like to have him be dedicated to you? can you ever trust him? every e-mail he sends, every time he goes to the store, every time he's late from work. 

you can heal from betrayal, but it takes the offending partner to really come forward - to throw away their e-mail addresses, to give you access to their correspondence, to beg you, to go to counseling. how much has he indicated he wants to change? not just when you beg?

He's got it good - he's got you at home and play-world out there. time for him to grow up. You've got to set the standard by walking out. he'll decide if he wants to chase you. And let him chase. Take a break right now - for 2 months at least. you need to get centered in your own life first.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

confused girl said:


> can i trust that he didnt really go through with anything?


No. You can't. Not without solid proof. And the thing is, he lied to you about the timeline and then you found out there was more deception.

He has been betraying you the entire duration of your relationship. 

I would get tested for STDs today. And I would not marry this guy.

I would dump him. 

Take it from someone who found out only a yr into my marriage that my husband was online trolling for sex. Divorce makes everything harder. I wish I would have ended our relationship right then. But hindsight's always a b!tch.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

confused girl said:


> this is where i am having trouble deciding what to do. some people can make mistakes.


This was no mistake. He did it over and over and over again and hid it from you. It was very intentional.

Yes, it's good he didn't deny it but even when he admitted it,* he lied about it again * saying it'd only been for a little bit, then you later found out it's been happening the ENTIRE time you were together.

God only knows how many he may have met up with.

My ex did the same. He has told me 4 different versions of how long he was doing it for, ranging from 2 weeks to the ENTIRE time we were together! I told him I didn't know which one to believe. I didn't know where the lie ended and where the truth started. And the thing is, I'll never know how long he was doing it for. We still had stuff in boxes to be unpacked cause we'd just bought our home that we spent 6 months searching for when I discovered it. I found out on Valentine's Day as I was getting ready for our romantic dinner.

Yeah.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you decide to forgive and proceed, you will effectively be starting your marriage from a point where most other marriages would end.

Had a friend that chose to move forward. It was not a wise choice.

He deserves no 'props'. Five years? And you REALLY don't believe anything happened ... ever?

The question isn't does he love and respect you. Question is, do you love and respect yourself?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> If you decide to forgive and proceed, you will effectively be starting your marriage from a point where most other marriages would end.


That's a good way of seeing it.

:iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Don't know if this will help but the thing is, knowing the way I cheated on my wife (b4 marriage). I've ALWAYS loved her, but what drove me to cheat was the hurt from the issues we were facing. I was stupid yes, but meh... just 2 cents, take it to account with your decision.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

Deejo said:


> If you decide to forgive and proceed, you will effectively be starting your marriage from a point where most other marriages would end.


:iagree:
Right on.....


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You dump this lying sack of dog doo. He hasn't said "I do" and he has proven he can't be trusted. He couldn't keep it together for 5 months (that you know of)? Any marriage is going to have some problems. This guy can't deal constructively with problems and he can't honestly own up to his failings and take appropriate corrective action. Blaming his juvenile pervish behavior on his relationship problems with you doesn't speak well of this guy.


:iagree:


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He has been betraying you the entire duration of your relationship.
> 
> .


This...would be my deal breaker... better to know now


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> The question isn't does he love and respect you. Question is, do you love and respect yourself?


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## confused girl (Jun 22, 2011)

Jadegreen said:


> seriously, dude - unfortunately your whole relationship has occurred while he has been doing things behind your back. What would it even be like to have him be dedicated to you? can you ever trust him? every e-mail he sends, every time he goes to the store, every time he's late from work.
> 
> you can heal from betrayal, but it takes the offending partner to really come forward - to throw away their e-mail addresses, to give you access to their correspondence, to beg you, to go to counseling. how much has he indicated he wants to change? not just when you beg?
> 
> He's got it good - he's got you at home and play-world out there. time for him to grow up. You've got to set the standard by walking out. he'll decide if he wants to chase you. And let him chase. Take a break right now - for 2 months at least. you need to get centered in your own life first.


i see what you are saying and i totally agree. i dont know if i will ever be able to trust or even look at him the same way. this is hard because he was/is a wonderful man, and i only wish i knew what it would have been like to really have him be dedicated to me. that really hurt, but it was the truth that i really needed to hear from someone. so, thank you. this really made me think back to when things were really good, when he didnt complain about the lack of intimacy, and when we drove 2-3 hours one way to see each other every single day. 

i talked to him about everything last night, even asking why he even asked me to marry him. when i first met him, he had expressed a lack of belief in marriage. he believed in being with someone and the commitment, but not the actual tradition of marriage. so when he began, a few months into the relationship, to speak about marriage, i was shocked, excited, and overall, flattered. i never forced it on him, i was even unsure about the marriage deal too, but somehow we both began to believe in it with each other. his response last night, i wanted to marry you. i didnt want marriage before, but i do want to spend the rest of my life with you. he began to cry and express his concern and dissappointment for what he had done. he said he was ashamed for what he did. when i asked about how he had recently told me that he never spoke or met up with any of these girls, which i later found out was untrue, he said he was scared of telling me and subsequently losing me. so why do it in the first place??? his answer: i liked the attention, but i didnt do anything. i got scared of the reason i was there and i left. i couldnt cheat on you. we just talked about why we were seeking other people and how we were feeling lonely and not getting any. 

he has said that he doesnt want to lose me. he says that it is hard to go to counseling. its hard for him to talk about his problems. he did go to an appt this week. he says he was unsure about the therapist but that he would give her some more time. i suggested to keep looking for someone else. i have gone to counseling before, for my own issues before i met him, and i loved the therapist from the beginning. i told him he needed to go to someone who he clicked with. if you enjoy talking to the person, then you will look forward to the appts. i know i did. he also wants me to go again. (i have my own seperate issues about my dad who has been cheating on my mother for their entire relationship while still living under the same roof. my dad will periodically leave the country to be with his other girlfriends and be MIA from us for weeks at a time. amazing luck with men, huh?) this is what kills the most, he knows what i have gone through my whole life with my dad. of course, i have my issues and insecurities about men, but he would always assure me, "i am not your father. i would never put you in your moms situation." well guess what, i am here!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do. Not. Marry. Him.

You can't see it right now cause you're in the thick of it but he is bad news. 

I have been you. But it was after being married. I wish like HELL I found out prior to getting married. My entire life would be different now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

confused girl said:


> (i have my own seperate issues about my dad who has been cheating on my mother for their entire relationship while still living under the same roof. my dad will periodically leave the country to be with his other girlfriends and be MIA from us for weeks at a time. amazing luck with men, huh?)


No no no. Your father's choices have NO bearing on who you are as a person. He is the one choosing the d!ck move to cheat on your mom. That is his issue to deal with. Don't ever think it's "luck." You didn't CHOOSE him as your father and you sure as sh-t didn't CHOOSE him to have an affair. He made that choice all on his own.



confused girl said:


> this is what kills the most, he knows what i have gone through my whole life with my dad. of course, i have my issues and insecurities about men, but he would always assure me, "i am not your father. i would never put you in your moms situation." well guess what, i am here!


He's a liar. Don't marry this guy. I am telling you right now: It will NOT end well.


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## confused girl (Jun 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I would get tested for STDs today. And I would not marry this guy.


I thought about that. last night when i kept asking if anything happened, even if it was just a kiss. i told him that you put me in jeapordy. we have obviously been together since this happened and i told him now i need to go get this crap done. his eyes opened wide, then tears started coming down. he put his face in his hands and just said, i am so sorry, there is nothing to worry about. i didnt do anything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And you believe him?

To me him breaking down crying is VERY telling.

Get tested.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And you believe him?
> 
> To me him breaking down crying is VERY telling.
> 
> Get tested.


I agree, he is crying because he got caught... he no longer can have his cake and eat it too... it was a sweet deal for him while he was getting away with it. RUN AWAY-- I would not waste another minute on him. Go, start your life, find someone who respects you and who you can trust. HE is not it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I think he aws crying cause it's very possible he had sex with someone else or did meet up with someone. Notice he cried when she asked him if she should get tested for STDs.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

confused girl said:


> this seriously came out of nowhere. this man is so wonderful and loving. everyone who knows about the overall situation regarding the emails is completely shocked by his behavior. i know i have been stupid for staying, but i was hoping the man that i fell in love with was still there. i guess there is no real hope for a change, is there?


He's not wonderful and loving. He is exceedingly skilled at APPEARING to be wonderful and loving. Also at extracting sex from you with no commitment. You fell for a ghost.


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