# I Can't Take it Anymore... Porn is ruining everything



## watertiger21

...


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## m0nk

watertiger21 said:


> I don't even know where to start... I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me to death. But he's been struggling with porn addiction since before we married (though I didn't know about it until after we had married) and it's absolutely tearing me to pieces. I've always told him that trust and honesty is more important to me in our relationship than anything else, and yet he has never, ever told me the truth about his watching porn. He denies it for days and weeks after I show him proof that I've caught him yet again, and then he'll finally admit it guiltily after seeing how much he's hurt me.
> 
> He always promises that the last time with porn was truly his last time. That he loves me no matter what and never wants to lose me, and he'll do anything to save our relationship. Sometimes we'll go half a year or more without issues, and our relationship will seem wonderful during this time, but it always ends. He always breaks down and goes back to obsessively watching porn. He once created a secret email address in order to buy a secret Netflix account for watching porn. And he's always looking for any tiny loophole in the child protection program on his computer that's meant to help him stop... Any time he finds a loophole, he goes porn crazy for weeks until I find out again and talk with him about it.
> 
> I cannot trust my husband. Everything he says about porn is lies and made up stories and crap. It's tearing me to pieces that I cannot trust my _husband_, the person who's supposed to my best friend throughout my entire life.
> 
> I hurt. I hurt so damn much. I want nothing more than to be able to trust him. I want nothing more than to have a happy relationship with the man I love. But I fear that everyday I'm falling a little less in love with him. Sometimes when I think of him, all I can think about are the reoccurring, heart-wrenching betrayals and it makes me resent him. I feel trapped, stuck, unhappy, and damaged. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was, the way we were. I'm afraid I'll never be able to love him quite the same way again. I'm not sure that I can handle having sex with him anymore, and I don't want him seeing my body either. I'm just ... I'm so lost. I can't handle this anymore and I'm so close to giving up (or maybe I already have... I dunno).
> 
> I love this man. But is love worth ruining my own well being and my own happiness?


You're here, so I surmise you're seeking help here as a last resort and you're on the end of your rope. My exH was addicted to porn too, and used it while having sex with me (!) after I tried to talk with him about it. It's disgusting, and even if he were to stop, the doubt will always be there, and the trust will take years to heal. Anyway, here's my advice (and it will sound harsh):

drop divorce papers in his lap. Actual, legal papers. This is a dealbreaker for you. If he wishes to reconcile, he will STOP, get help and therapy, if necessary. If he cannot stop and will not make movements toward seeking help, then he does not wish to R. if there are children involved, be fair and good. Best of luck...


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## l8k1n34rd

m0nk said:


> You're here, so I surmise you're seeking help here as a last resort and you're on the end of your rope. My exH was addicted to porn too, and used it while having sex with me (!) after I tried to talk with him about it. It's disgusting, and even if he were to stop, the doubt will always be there, and the trust will take years to heal. Anyway, here's my advice (and it will sound harsh):
> 
> drop divorce papers in his lap. Actual, legal papers. This is a dealbreaker for you. If he wishes to reconcile, he will STOP, get help and therapy, if necessary. If he cannot stop and will not make movements toward seeking help, then he does not wish to R. if there are children involved, be fair and good. Best of luck...


Hmmm...male here (non-english speaker). I do not fully agree with first responders advise. First off, we know to little, way to little to boast such a definite response.

To thread starter, ask yourself: Is he showing you affection? Is he sexually drawn to you and expresses this? Do you have satisfying sex in which you feel his desire for you and your own satisfaction? Is he verbally and/or physically, during every other day, express his love and desire for you? If your answers are yes, I think you have to work with your self and your resentment to him watching porn. It is not the same as infidelity...and does not necessarily indicate a decline in love or want for affection towards you. Of course, jerking off 24/7 to porn, not ok (probably a diagnosis for that), or choosing to watch porn over the opportunity to intimacy with you. If so, I would go with the poster above. Do you own a vibe? If so, use is openly. Leave it on the bedroom stand (maybe not if kids in house) or at drawer where he would find it. If he is already in on you using a vibe (which can be perceived as a replacement for his (a man's) love), he has already accepted your need for exploring your own sexuality on your own. Lack of gadgets for a man to sexually satisfy himself, makes him often turn to porn. Which in my opinion is ok. Have you tried watching with him. Is this something you can do together? The greatest gift humans can give each other is acceptance. To give acceptance, often demands that one is sure of one self, and in relationships, sure of ones own sexuality. This is often difficult, but practice makes master.

If he is totally ignoring you and your needs, talk about ladies in porn comparing them in a bad way to you, watches a type of porn which is nasty, degrading or violet, disregard all of the above and go ahead and leave him. If not, I think you have a lot to gain showing generosity and acceptance.

-L8k134rd


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## HuggyBear

Other than hurting your feelings due to whatever belief it is that porn is bad, and not being completely"honest" about his choice of viewing media, how is this "addiction" affecting HIS life? Does he miss work or family activities due to porn? Is he "hurting himself" due to porn?

You mentioned he seems to view porn "obsessively" and sometime for WEEKS before you find some evidence that he was looking at it. You also say he was "addicted" to porn before you met, and you were unaware of it, yet you loved him during this period, and then say you won't "be able to go back to the way I was, the way we were.."

You were ALWAYS that way.

My wife reads a lot of "celebrity news" on the internet. Before she goes to work, and for an hour during every evening. It interferes with parts of OUR lives, our KIDS' lives. But THIS waste of time and family seems perfectly acceptable to most...

I'll try to understand, but maybe just tell your husband to own up to viewing porn... to just be honest. Hopefully that will make everything better... even though there's probably something more going on here than simply "porn", and it's probably not just "all him".


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## COfan

It sounds like your husband may be unable to stop viewing porn on his own. There is help available if he is willing to admit to his struggle and seek help. I would encourage you two to get into counseling together..as this is affecting both of you, as well as your marriage. Good luck!


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## Blondilocks

Print out your post and show it to him. It might help him realize just how devastating this addiction is to you and your marriage.

There is help out there for porn addiction, but a person has to really want to get it out of their life. Sadly, many (deep down) don't want to and the success rate seems frighteningly small.

Even if he seeks help, it will be years before you'll start to feel safe enough to trust him. His repeated lies and backsliding are just as bad for the marriage as the porn viewing. Good luck.


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## Cronos1247

Just to gain a better understanding of the issues...

What issues does his porn viewing have on your relationship? Unrealistic sexual expectations, lack of affection, etc?
How often does he view it?


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## Almostrecovered

there's porn on Netflix?!


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## Mj6gte

(What if I was the hubby)
I can't trust my wife. I'm loving, affectionate and we have a great sex life. I realize that she does not like porn, but I do. I take great pains to keep it from her, but she snoops and digs and is always looking for a chance to "catch me". I let her be her, but if I do not live up to -her- expectations, she will come unglued. I can explore a dirty side of myself, one that is a bit of an embarrassment.....I'd rather not admit to my dirty side. I wish she would see the good in me, trust that I will continue to put our relationship first....but stop acting like my mother trying to catch me being a bad boy.


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## PBear

Considering he's poking holes past the nanny filter in place... He either doesn't see it as a problem or he does have an addiction. But the big question... If he does have an addiction, what's he doing about it? Therapy? Anything?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

Almostrecovered said:


> there's porn on Netflix?!


She must feel if there is nudity its porn.


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## clipclop2

There is some stuff that cuts close but I wouldn't call it porn per se. But if the guy has an issue with it he shouldn't be looking for anything that is even close.


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## watertiger21

Almostrecovered said:


> there's porn on Netflix?!


There is no porn on Netflix. He just uses Netflix to look at nudity when he can't find access to actual porn.


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## watertiger21

More Info:

His watching porn IS affecting our sex life. He hasn't been the one to initiate anything between us in over half a year. We don't kiss. I have to initiate sex, and if we do end up having sex, it's passionless and he only goes through the motions, without _actually_ being there.

Also, his watching porn isn't the HUGE issue here. Yes, I disagree with it and don't like it, the usual blah blah blah. I've discussed it with him matter-of-factly and calmly (not by yelling and fighting and making a huge fuss). But when it comes right down to it, it's the fact he lies to my face for years on end about it... All I've ever wanted him to do is come clean and say, "Yes I watch porn." Then we can figure out some sort of compromise and figure out what to do next. But instead he lies and lies and lies and comes up with excuses, etc etc etc. The most important part of a relationship to me is TRUST and HONESTY, and for some reason he just can't do it.

I dunno... I'm almost under the impression that normal sex isn't enough for him anymore. He's become so accustomed to porn videos and images that he just isn't concerned with real sex with an alive, warm, willing wife.


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## WorkingOnMe

watertiger21 said:


> There is no porn on Netflix. He just uses Netflix to look at nudity when he can't find access to actual porn.



I would definitely call 9 songs porn. Same with at least one scene in the brown bunny.


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## wanttolove

Sounds like he needs an ultimatum to help him overcome his addiction. Perhaps threaten divorce if he will not seek help?

When you make it through this, he will thank you for it.


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## kindnessrules

WT: There are many similar elements in our situations. Years ago, about four years into our marriage, I began to sense something was going on when he was on the computer late at night and would start clicking the moment I walked into the room at the odd times I would happen to awaken late. Finally I did come upon him once and see what was on the screen. Just like you, it affected my trust and love. We had an enjoyable physical relationship to that point. He had just been diagnosed with a difficult chronic illness, which made his life suddenly very different. Like you, my H was extremely secretive about his habit which made me even more insecure and anxious to know. He doesn't like doing it and sees it as a weakness. He got therapy which helped but he still does it intermittently. Sometimes I ask is he still doing it and he says sometimes. It helps a lot when he is at least honest. For a while I attended a support group, which helped somewhat. 

I realize I need to let go and allow him to deal with his own issues and struggles. It's a very individual issue and each couple needs to find their own way. In the case of a couple who may be religious it may be very disappointing knowing the other person is doing something immoral in the home. With a non religious couple, it may still bother the other person because they may feel they are inadequate to meet the needs of the other. In many cases it has nothing whatever to do with the physical relationship; the person just needs (or wants) more, just like infidelity can happen even when the physical relationship is good. 

I have no words of wisdom other than to understand and sympathize. No one can tell you what to do as far as staying or leaving; that's entirely a personal decision. But I think it's important to try to let go and let him deal with it on his own. I'm not sure you mentioned whether you've gotten therapy or gone to a support group, but it might be helpful to deal with your pain and feelings of betrayal. I think it's best to somehow find a way not to interrogate him or pin him down, or at least be calm about it and not accusing, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with you feeling you deserve to know what's going on in your home with the one person you are supposed to love and trust. Perhaps he too sees this as a weakness and is disappointed in himself, and likely it's embarrassing to talk about.

Good luck to you. Just know there are others in the same situation who understand.


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## clipclop2

I've never heard of those movies.


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## WorkingOnMe

clipclop2 said:


> I've never heard of those movies.



Google Netflix porn. You'll find several top 10 lists.


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## clipclop2

Great. Not.


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## Chuck71

Thanks to the culture we live in today, many do not see porn as anything

"nasty." Men are visual creatures and porn, is not "cheating."

Cue another brick in the Wall

Which brings up the point you made... lying about it. Have you

considered watching porn yourself and getting caught on purpose

and gauge his reaction? A poster here was in this situation about

a year ago and she was at wits end. She let him catch her watching

while she used "toys"and it made a breakthrough.


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## White.Rabbit

White.Rabbit said:


> Firstly he has to admit to himself that he has a problem and then seek help and advice from as many sources as you can. There is help out there, but you might have to dig for it.
> 
> Unfortunately if you are not of a religious persuasion there's a lot of input that isn't going to help, so you might have to sift through a lot of irrelevant material.
> 
> The now estranged Mr Rabbit became addicted over many years and preferred his own company to mine when it came to his sexual needs.
> 
> He did admit he'd got issues and improved considerably, but in trying to restrict his porn use tarred everything sexual with the same brush, to my continued detriment.
> 
> I'm afraid that in the end I gave up and moved on, but that's not to say you can't overcome your issues if you're both totally committed to doing so.
> 
> If we're allowed to share YouTube links publicly here, then there a couple of documentaries you might find useful, otherwise message me for the details. For the Brits amongst us I may have details of some other resources in amongst my notes on the issue.
> 
> I'm more than happy to discuss my experiences and compare notes on this matter on forum or by private message.


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## marriedandlonely

watertiger21 said:


> More Info:
> 
> His watching porn IS affecting our sex life. He hasn't been the one to initiate anything between us in over half a year. We don't kiss. I have to initiate sex, and if we do end up having sex, it's passionless and he only goes through the motions, without _actually_ being there.
> 
> Also, his watching porn isn't the HUGE issue here. Yes, I disagree with it and don't like it, the usual blah blah blah. I've discussed it with him matter-of-factly and calmly (not by yelling and fighting and making a huge fuss). But when it comes right down to it, it's the fact he lies to my face for years on end about it... All I've ever wanted him to do is come clean and say, "Yes I watch porn." Then we can figure out some sort of compromise and figure out what to do next. But instead he lies and lies and lies and comes up with excuses, etc etc etc. The most important part of a relationship to me is TRUST and HONESTY, and for some reason he just can't do it.
> 
> I dunno... I'm almost under the impression that normal sex isn't enough for him anymore. He's become so accustomed to porn videos and images that he just isn't concerned with real sex with an alive, warm, willing wife.


The bottom paragraph maybe you have found the answer without realizing 
Have you ever asked your husband what his ultimate fantasy is and tried to act it out ,for people with a high SD ordinary sex is like having toast and coffee for breakfast every day sometimes its nice to have bacon&eggs or pancakes with maple syrup .
I dont know your situation or his but maybe what he's watching on porn is CHANGING HIS BREAKFAST MENU 
Ask the man to be completely honest with you but brace yourself the answer may not be what you expect


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## clipclop2

All she will accomplish trying to compete with porn will be to further erode her self esteem.

This has NOTHING to do with HD.


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## marriedandlonely

clipclop2 said:


> All she will accomplish trying to compete with porn will be to further erode her self esteem.
> 
> This has NOTHING to do with HD.


Just a suggestion ,as I said I don't know their situations and her comment was ORDINARY SEX ANYMORE and I think most people will agree that sex like most other things can become a little mundane if it is not spiced up occasionally it may well be the case that there is a porn problem here but if you dont ask the affected person one can only guess so the decision is hers alone depending on whether she's had enough or wants to try to save the marriage


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## EleGirl

Mj6gte said:


> (What if I was the hubby)
> I can't trust my wife. I'm loving, affectionate and we have a great sex life. I realize that she does not like porn, but I do. I take great pains to keep it from her, but she snoops and digs and is always looking for a chance to "catch me". I let her be her, but if I do not live up to -her- expectations, she will come unglued. I can explore a dirty side of myself, one that is a bit of an embarrassment.....I'd rather not admit to my dirty side. I wish she would see the good in me, trust that I will continue to put our relationship first....but stop acting like my mother trying to catch me being a bad boy.


How would you feel if your wife spent as much time as you spend on porn drooling over and masturbating with the best built, best looking men .... men who have bigger penis than yours? Men who are far more sexually appealing than you?


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## lifeistooshort

EleGirl said:


> How would you feel if your wife spent as much time as you spend on porn drooling over and masturbating with the best built, best looking men .... men who have bigger penis than yours? Men who are far more sexually appealing than you?


Oh yeah, especially if she couldn't get off with him because she was so accustomed to looking at the footlong hardbodies in porn. I'm sure all the guys who claim that it's ok and this is what men do would be ok with her laying there while he gets his, only to run back to porn because that's what really turns her on.

What always strikes me about the guys' responses to porn threads isn't so much their belief that porn is the norm, because maybe to some degree it is, but their lack of any kind of understanding regarding what it's going to do to the intimacy of their relationship with their wife. And they don't seem to be all that concerned, because in their minds "men are visual" so women should suck it up that he jerks off to lots of other women. I'm not even anti-porn, but there can be consequences for it and many guys don't want to acknowledge that. That's how powerful porn apparently is. And there are guys that actually suggest that she could fix this by acting out some porn fantasies! But I thought porn had nothing to do with their wife? I bet if I read romance novels, which I don't and never had, and my fantasy was for him to grow his hair out, bulk up, and sweep me off my feet like a princess throughout our marriage I'd be told that I have unrealistic ideas about marriage.

I think many guys would find that their wives would actually be more open to porn if they felt like their husband had some grasp of what porn can do to the intimacy between husband and wife.


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## Chuck71

why watch porn when....it can be acted out?


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## tacoma

watertiger21 said:


> He once created a secret email address in order to buy a *secret Netflix account* for watching porn.


Sorry OP but this pretty much tells me the problem in your relationship isn't your husbands.

There is no "porn" on Netflix so I must assume you mean nudity and sexual situations which are pretty much acceptable to the vast majority of people (That's why they're on Netflix).


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## hawkeye

Chuck71 said:


> why watch porn when....it can be acted out?


Because sometimes it's noon and I'm home for lunch and want to rub one out. Porn just helps speed up the process. 

I don't think that many guys are using porn to replace their wives. If they do, it's a problem, obviously.


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## hawkeye

badsanta said:


> Women have figured out for generations that men are too lazy to read books without pictures, so that is where they hide their porn:


I can't believe they don't realize what that does to the intimacy of a marriage.


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## Chuck71

hawkeye said:


> Because sometimes it's noon and I'm home for lunch and want to rub one out. Porn just helps speed up the process.
> 
> I don't think that many guys are using porn to replace their wives. If they do, it's a problem, obviously.


"delayed" fantasy later on


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## woundedwarrior

Porn is an addiction and screws with your brain the same way alcohol and drugs do. I'm a guy and I'll say it- Porn destroys marriages and if you are married to a willing sexual wife, which most addicts are, then if you need to look, you have a serious problem. I watched some as a teenager, like most every boy does, but as an adult there is no appeal to me. Just like any addiction, the addict has to want to stop, otherwise you're out of luck.
If he wants to stop, you need to password protect your computer and only log him in when you're watching. Nanny filters are a waste, he needs supervision to avoid temptations. From what I hear, it is a hard battle with "withdrawal" symptoms similar to drugs. Good luck.
Lastly the only people that claim it as being "okay" are the users.
I personally don't get the attraction? If someone offers me a big juicy pizza to eat and I turn it down to watch others eat it, that is insane.


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## Deedee109

I ended my 21 year marriage due to porn viewing, I confronted begged pleaded but 8 years of watching porn every day for up to 8 hours a day sometimes and we had no sex life as he kept blaming ED! Yet no problems with porn! My two daughters saw what he was looking at as in his rush to get to work he would occasionally leave the internet on with all the open tabs. I decided that I wouldn't let my girls be subjected to that ever again, I want them to grow up NOT thinking that it's a normal everyday thing. He said he would go for help, but never did. It was not my responsibility to book his appointments. He now lives alone and I'm sure must pig out on porn everyday since he doesn't work.

Porn is degrading to women (I am not a prude) but it wears you down constantly and it's extremely disrespectful to your partner, especially if he/she has stated from the beginning that they find it a deal breaker. Google porn addiction and see how damaging it is.


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## harpreet12

my husband is highly addictive to porn and he also watch live cam and have joined sex chat rooms. Once i caught him masturbating and watching the cam girls and then he said sorry he won't do that again but few days later i again found out that he again masturbated by watching porn and cam girls. This happens everytime that i somehow sneak out in his browsing history and find that he daily watches cam girls and I think he pays them too, even after me finding this out he never quits. Because of all this our sexual life has become zero now he no more derives pleasure while having sex with me, he no more likes to come closer to me, he just loves to see those naked girls on live sex cam websites and chat with them. What should I do I am very upset I don't understand if I am over-reacting but I don't like it watching those girls instead of me also he just don't think that he is doing anything wrong with me, he doesn't even feel guilty of cheating on me like this. Please suggest. What should i do?


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## EleGirl

harpreet12 said:


> my husband is highly addictive to porn and he also watch live cam and have joined sex chat rooms. Once i caught him masturbating and watching the cam girls and then he said sorry he won't do that again but few days later i again found out that he again masturbated by watching porn and cam girls. This happens everytime that i somehow sneak out in his browsing history and find that he daily watches cam girls and I think he pays them too, even after me finding this out he never quits. Because of all this our sexual life has become zero now he no more derives pleasure while having sex with me, he no more likes to come closer to me, he just loves to see those naked girls on live sex cam websites and chat with them. What should I do I am very upset I don't understand if I am over-reacting but I don't like it watching those girls instead of me also he just don't think that he is doing anything wrong with me, he doesn't even feel guilty of cheating on me like this. Please suggest. What should i do?


Please start your own thread and copy our above post to start it That way people can help you out.


This is an old thread that people will ignore.


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