# Went from possible separation to looking for a place



## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

_Here is my original post...

There are many contributing factors that have got us here. Unfortunately my wife is angry and resentful, which prevents her from being happy, and loving toward me. It has taken me to long to be able to communicate openly with her, which is one of the issues that allowed this to get so far. I was not aware of how much she was hurting until it was to late. Now no matter how much we talk, she can not let go of her anger, and I know we would benefit from counseling, but she keeps talking separation. This is not at all what I want, especially with our seven year old son. All though I have given her space, I'm considering her separation idea, as the current situation is not working. Its terrifying to think about leaving behind everything that matters to me in order to hopefully reconcile. I know there is no magic answer, and I needed an outlet, as I'm not comfortable discussing this with any of my friends or family at this stage. Your questions or comments are welcome, and I appreciate both male and female perspectives. 

We have been together for eight, and married for 3.5. She has been very upset about a threesome. After a night of binge drinking one of buddies ended up walking in on us and joining then in. While there was no sex between them, there was plenty of sexual touching. This ended up happening another time in the same fashion, before we drew a line. She feels I let her down by not preventing it, as well as used and disrespected. Its something were both heavily regret and are shameful of. In addition to me being very dedicated to my job, always have work on my mind instead of connecting to her needs, and feelings. My reason for posting is really more about the topic of separation used as means of possible therapy. I hate the idea as it seems like one foot into divorce, but I don't want to be stupid and continue not hearing and seeing what she needs. I also would hate to do this to our son. He is our number one and we are not fighting and keep out emotional conversational private. We are in no way uncivil with one another. She only brings up separation on days when she is feeling rather resentful. We have not discussed the logistics of doing so. On the other hand our marriage is at a uncomfortable stalemate. Hanging in limbo is killing me. I have made it known that I'm in for the work and the long run, while she is just sitting on the fence.

Edit- Yes she works, and has done so for th last year. Fortunately I make enough to support the family, so we decided she would stay home instead of having a day care baby. Once he started school my wife was able to peruse a career she enjoys, instead of having to get a job due to finances._

*So now here we are things have only declined. I did what was suggested and gave her all the space she asked for. Nothing changed as she is still angry and resentful and wants to get away. I know such emotions make her feel there is no choice but to quit, and she has not wanted or done anything to resolve those feelings, aside from drinking with her single or divorced girlfriends. I cant help but to be hopeful some time apart, will allow her to cool, and realize the downsides of divorce. She admittedly has not considered the fall out of the aftermath, nor had she rationally planned out the move, and terms of the separation. I have read too many cases of this action leaving every one scared, and regretfull. Underneath it all we are still such great friends, and I can still feel the love...its just so buried. I feel it is all up to her now, all I hope is we can try to hash things out later minus my sorrow and her anger, perhaps even attend some therapy*.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

My story is similar in a lot of ways. Counseling is helping. Boiled down direction from that is to show love and growth to her but you can't expect anything back. Anything shown in true love has no expectations associated with them.

I know it's still hard, feelings of rejection etc...


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

I recon to have told you to really give her room and focus on yourself. The only thing that in my experience turns the tables is when you focus on YOURSELF. 
Become unavailable for a week. If she calls, call back two three days later... AND please focus on living like a single. She will complain, but thats where assertiveness comes in. No arguements! A reason she ll complain is because attraction might be moving in again, but dont stop too early..
The only time you can be interested in her or be loving is when you are with her. Telefon and texting should for now stop serving communication if you two.


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## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> I recon to have told you to really give her room and focus on yourself. The only thing that in my experience turns the tables is when you focus on YOURSELF.
> Become unavailable for a week. If she calls, call back two three days later... AND please focus on living like a single. She will complain, but thats where assertiveness comes in. No arguements! A reason she ll complain is because attraction might be moving in again, but dont stop too early..
> The only time you can be interested in her or be loving is when you are with her. Telefon and texting should for now stop serving communication if you two.


Well if we follow through with a 50/50 custody of our son that kind of break in communication would be impossible. Also I don't wanna play games per say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

BRUNIC said:


> Well if we follow through with a 50/50 custody of our son that kind of break in communication would be impossible. Also I don't wanna play games per say.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, then accept the results you get. So many men think negative about gaming, though when in move, it is becomes easy and the relationship more fun. And in most cases women love a mixture of playful and man.. But every man has to figure out how things really work by himself.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes, you let her down. Not sure what you were thinking there, bud. You also opened her up to the idea of sex with other men. It's a double whammy and I hope she comes back to you for the sake of your family, but you've got some work ahead of you.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I didn't see your first post but.. How in the world does your friend walking in turn to joining you? Was it discussed? Who allowed him to join you? You, her, or both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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