# Considering ending my engagement



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Where to start, where to start.
8 months ago my fiancée and I began dating things progressed very quickly. 

She is 31 and I am 44. I had not dated for 3 years and she was 2 months out of an old relationship before she met me.

4 months ago my fiancée and I found out we were pregnant. This was, and, continues to be viewed as good news by the both of us. However, I should note I had planned on ending the relationship, but changed that idea when I found out we were pregnant.

Recently we became engaged at her insistence, but I am not in love with this woman. I respect, admire and care for her a lot. The wedding plans are in motion, my family and hers have already spent thousands on the wedding as have the both of us.

In my heart I believe this marriage will not last. I am excited about the baby and cannot wait to be the best dad I can be. She too is excited about the baby and will make an excellent mom.

I just wonder if I should end the engagement now? I know the baby will be loved by both of us no matter if we are together or not. 

Your opinions would be appreciated, thanks, Lancaster.


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## Tired_but_determined (Dec 2, 2013)

The day my fiancee called to tell me she was pregnant was the same day I had planned to break up with her. It just didn't seem to be working. As much as I love that child, I seem to have been right about the marriage. Having the child did not fix the relationship, even after 11 years. 

I am now trying to figure out how or if I can save my marriage.

I wish I had either committed to working on a struggling relationship in the beginning or simply broken it off and avoided 11 years of a boring relationship.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stay together. Children need both parents in their lives.

Why don't you want to be with her outside of love?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Does she know you are not in love with her?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Does she know you are not in love with her?


:iagree:

Have you ever told her that you don't feel you are in love with her? Instead of dragging it on, leading her on?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Postpone the wedding... Don't break the engagement now but wait till baby is born and see if anything changes after that. And then you will make the final decision.
Do you think she planned the pregnancy?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh please don't marry her if you don't love her, please.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh please don't marry her if you don't love her, please.


I agree. Whether you're having a child together or not, getting married to someone you don't love and you've only known for 8 months is a bad idea. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lancaster said:


> Where to start, where to start.
> 8 months ago my fiancée and I began dating
> 
> 4 months ago my fiancée and I found out we were pregnant.


She got pregnant 4 months after you began dating. Yeah, that's fast. And completely, and utterly irresponsible.



lancaster said:


> This was, and, continues to be viewed as good news by the both of us...However, I should note I had planned on ending the relationship, but changed that idea when I found out we were pregnant.


How is it good news that a woman you were about to break up with is pregnant with your child? How is it good news that you are only staying with this woman because she carries your child?



lancaster said:


> Recently we became engaged at her insistence, but I am not in love with this woman.


You will resent her more than anything in the world. It's only a matter of time. I wonder if she trapped you. Do you make a lot more money than her? What form of birth control were you supposed to be using? Was she on the pill but "forgot" to take it?



lancaster said:


> In my heart I believe this marriage will not last.


Of course it won't last.



lancaster said:


> I am excited about the baby and cannot wait to be the best dad I can be.


That's impossible. You cannot be the best dad when a child is raised in 2 separate homes with two parents who probably won't be getting along with each other; and that, my friend is almost inevitable. You'll resent her for forcing the marriage, you'll leave her and she'll hate you for abandoning her.

You are having a child out of wedlock with a woman you don't want to be with who got pregnant very soon after you met. 

I am not singling you out, but generally speaking, irresponsible people don't often have great parenting skills.

Find a way to terminate the pregnancy. Not fair to bring a child into your mess.


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## WasInLove (Sep 11, 2012)

Tough decision. All depends on your views regarding love. Can someone eventually fall in love with someone? I would postpone the marriage as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lenzi said:


> That's impossible. You cannot be the best dad when a child is raised in 2 separate homes with two parents who probably won't be getting along with each other
> 
> 
> Find a way to terminate the pregnancy. Not fair to bring a child into your mess.


Say what? Plenty of people can be good fathers even if they don't get married or live in the same house as their child's mother.

Also, advising them to terminate the pregnancy may work for you but maybe not for them, you know the parents.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Marrying someone you don't love when you already believe your marriage will fail is the height of stupidity.

Save your child the pain of having to live with two parents who don't love each other, and the pain of going through a divorce. If you already know you aren't going to stay together forever, then don't put the child through that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> Marrying someone you don't love when you already believe your marriage will fail is the height of stupidity.


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lenzi said:


> She got pregnant 4 months after you began dating. Yeah, that's fast. And completely, and utterly irresponsible.


There is no 100% sure form of birth control... except abstinence.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is no 100% sure form of birth control... except abstinence.


Thank you, EleGirl - I was just about to comment on this too. I was in a similar situation, we had been dating for 5 months when I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I was on the pill and no, I did not do it on purpose. Actually, I could blame my health insurance becasue they would only fill my prescription every 30 days. I knew I was going out of town for the weekend and tried to pick up my pills befroe I left knowing I was supposed to start the new pack on Sunday and I wouldn't be back yet, but my insurance company wouldn't let me get a refill early. So I started them a day late and that's how it happened. I don't feel I was irresponsible, and I was definitely old enough and stable enough to take care of a child. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am thankful every day for the BC malfunction. I did end up marrying his father 3 years down the road.....but I did it for all the wrong reasons and that is a whole separate topic. My advice would be don't marry her unless you really love her. Take your time and find out first, and you can still be a great dad even if you don't end up marrying her.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Sounds irresponsible, but everything is not lost, my dad and mum got divorced when I was 4, I never lived long under either of their roofs, lived most of my life with my grandma, but still I think my dad was (still is) an awesome dad. My mum is a different story. 

I would never advice anyone to live together for the kids sake, you don't have to sacrifice your life for your kids, the best thing you can do for them is to take care of yourself and your own happiness so they won't have to when the time comes.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Thank you all for your comments. I do appreciate them. These are the answers to the questions some of have asked.

1. Baby not planned, birth control was used responsibly.

2. She is not the kind of person who would attempt to trap somebody into marriage through getting pregnant.

3. We do not feel abortion is an option as we are both capable of supporting a child financially.

4. Nope, I am not rich, but I do have a job with a steady income. I am in the airforce. She is a police officer.

Most of the suggestions you have offered I agree with totally. I would offer similar advice to other people in the same situation.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is no 100% sure form of birth control... except abstinence.


LOL, when I first read that part I thought he was saying that she GAVE BIRTH 4 months into dating............:lol:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lancaster, consider that every day that you spend married to someone you don't love, you are missing the possibility of developing a relationship with someone whom you can truly love. 

And what happens if you meet someone who knocks your socks off when you are married? Let her walk out of your life because you're married? Have an affair? Tell her to wait while you suddenly busy yourself with a divorce?

You are also short-changing your fiance since she won't be free to find someone who does love her, either.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Say what? Plenty of people can be good fathers even if they don't get married or live in the same house as their child's mother.


Sure plenty of part time dads can be good fathers. But this guy is already setting himself up for a situation where he's going to be a part time dad, which means he could be a good dad but not "the best dad he can possibly be".



Jellybeans said:


> Also, advising them to terminate the pregnancy may work for you but maybe not for them, you know the parents.


Huh? I don't know the parents.



EleGirl said:


> There is no 100% sure form of birth control... except abstinence.


Most accidental pregnancies do not occur because of a failure of contraception, they occur due to irresponsibility or human error.



mace17 said:


> Actually, I could blame my health insurance becasue they would only fill my prescription every 30 days. I knew I was going out of town for the weekend and tried to pick up my pills befroe I left knowing I was supposed to start the new pack on Sunday and I wouldn't be back yet, but my insurance company wouldn't let me get a refill early. So I started them a day late and that's how it happened.


Like I said, human error and irresponsibility. Thank you for a perfect example. 

This poster had an unwanted pregnancy because she wouldn't pay for a couple of pills. She's blaming the insurance company for her becoming pregnant. 

I am in the medical profession and I also supply medical devices, some of which are only covered in part or not at all, and and see this all the time. "My insurance company won't let me". Hello? Your insurance company is a BENEFIT. It covers something, not everything. It doesn't stop you from reaching into your own pocket.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lancaster said:


> 1. Baby not planned, birth control was used responsibly.


What type of birth control did you use and to what do you attribute the failure?



lancaster said:


> 2. She is not the kind of person who would attempt to trap somebody into marriage through getting pregnant.


Read some threads around here and learn how people don't know their spouse for 10 or more years. I never would have thought my now exwife married me for the money. I didn't even come to terms with it until after we divorced after a 16 year marriage.



lancaster said:


> 3. We do not feel abortion is an option as we are both capable of supporting a child financially.


Abortion is an option for the richest person on the face of this planet. It's not about the money.



lancaster said:


> 4. Nope, I am not rich, but I do have a job with a steady income. I am in the airforce. She is a police officer.


Sometimes a woman will find a guy she likes for whatever reason and decides he's going to be the one and she traps him into having a child. Doesn't have to be a rich guy. Could be she's met nothing but a bunch of losers and compared to them you're the catch of the century.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Abortion is an option for the richest person on the face of this planet. It's not about the money.


You got some nerve telling somebody to get rid of a child they both want. 

And as far as him saying he will "be the best Dad he can possible be" it seem pretty obvious there is a "under the circumstance" implied after that statement.

Lancaster, have you been married before? It challenging enough being marry to somebody you love, it will be pretty depressing going through those challenge and you don't even love the person. What happen after the kid is grown? You will probably think you threw away 18 to 21 years of your live.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> You got some nerve telling somebody to get rid of a child they both want.


Sorry to offend. Let me clarify. As an anonymous internet poster I really have no control over this guy. So when I say "terminate the pregnancy" what it really means is that it's the opinion of one person out there in the world who feels that they're better off not bringing a child into this situation. In reality, they can do whatever they want, they don't have to listen to me.



committed4ever said:


> And as far as him saying he will "be the best Dad he can possible be" it seem pretty obvious there is a "under the circumstance" implied after that statement.


Ok, how about we agree on "He will be the best part time dad he can possibly be given that he will strongly resent the mother, they probably will be in high conflict which will prevent effective coparenting, there will be psychological damage inflicted on this innocent child, the divorce will have huge financial ramifications, and he'll be lucky if he gets visitation more than 2 weekends a month and alternate Wednesdays"


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Don't get married to her, please. Breaking it off sooner than later is much less traumatic to everyone involved. And you never know, you may fall in love while you co-parent, then you can unite for the sake of each other instead of putting that responsibility on a child. 

My exH married me because of our son. I never felt "chosen" by him which led to some insecurity. I had a right to feel that way too because as it turned out, he really did resent me.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Sorry to offend. Let me clarify. As an anonymous internet poster I really have no control over this guy. So when I say "terminate the pregnancy" what it really means is that it's the opinion of one person out there in the world who feels that they're better off not bringing a child into this situation.


It really is rude to offer up such an opinion given the polarizing nature of abortion to suggest it when that advice is not even ask for. 




lenzi said:


> Ok, how about we agree on "He will be the best part time dad he can possibly be given that he will strongly resent the mother, they probably will be in high conflict which will prevent effective coparenting, there will be psychological damage inflicted on this innocent child, the divorce will have huge financial ramifications, and he'll be lucky if he gets visitation more than 2 weekends a month and alternate Wednesdays"


Oh, I guess I misread although it wouldn't change the last statement about visitation. I thought he make that statement regarding the possible of *not* marrying her. It's not ideal I will agree but it can work. You never know, the child could be the one who cure cancer.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Uhh pretty simple to me. If you have to "convince yourself" that you should be with someone you probably shouldn't be with them :scratchhead:


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Dont married her since you are not ready. You can tell her that you are not ready for marriage. You do not have to have abortion. It is rude to tell someone to kill their child just because they want to save him/her from their issues! that woman is happy and excited to have the baby. I cannot imagine, lancaster going back and tell her , we have to abort the pregnancy. Sorry, but I dont think it is the right decision at least in this situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont do it dont do it dont do it!!!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Stay together. Children need both parents in their lives.
> 
> Why don't you want to be with her outside of love?


Worst advice ever. Sorry.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

At the very least... put off the wedding. It's not time. 

You need time. You both do. 

You don't "have" to get married anymore.... so don't. Even if everyone has spent some money on this wedding-to-be. Cut your losses, pay back the families when you can... if its an issue. Divorce down the road is alot more expensive anyway! 

You CAN be an awesome Dad, even if you aren't married to the mom. DO THAT. Be an awesome Dad. 

But you can't be an awesome husband to a wife when you don't really want to be there. So don't do that. Save marriage for when you really really mean it, and want to cherish somebody.... otherwise you are wasting everybody's time, and breaking everybody's heart down the road. 

Better to be a single dad from the start, rather than breaking a little kid's heart and tearing up "the family".... ya know?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

lancaster said:


> 2. She is not the kind of person who would attempt to trap somebody into marriage through getting pregnant.


I think you should consider postponing the wedding, but not end your relationship at this moment. From your posts, it seems like this lady is a very nice person and that you trust her. Because of the stakes involved, I think that you should give it a little more time to see if you can eventually fall in love with her. Do you think that she loves you?


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Don't don't don't do it. 
Around 5-6 years ago a close friend of mine found out she was pregnant (her boyfriend was also a close friend of mine). They had the kid, and he proposed (nobody knew that he was feeling pressured into it because of the kid, he was just trying to do "the right thing"). They had a beautiful destination wedding and everything. 4 months later....the girl tells me that they are getting divorced. There was complete devastation on her part, lots of anger...the divorce itself was pretty nasty, luckily they didn't have much in assets at the time. But the guy also lost a big chunk of his friends (he was friends with our group before she was...but the way everything transpired left him looking really bad).
The guy has every other weekend with his kid, but I don't think he is nearly as involved as the woman and her new husband. 

Another thing to consider, you may have another man raise your child. If you marry this woman and divorce her...it's unlikely that you can maintain a friendship. At this point, you might be able to maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of the child.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I married because I was pregnant and I thought at the time it was the right thing to do. I couldn't of been so ever more wrong for marrying so quickly. I was not in love with my ex h, never was. There was red flags everywhere and he treated me so poorly. I also was very young at 19 and was just starting my life as an adult.

Anyway, I ended the marriage after a year of hell. My ex was never a good example as a father. He is very abusive and a serial cheater to boot. I won't get into details, but honestly don't marry somebody you don't love. I did learn a few very big life lessons out of that marriage. He ended up cutting contact with his child when the teen years started. 

My husband I'm married to now is the love of my life! We met, engaged 6 months after and married one year after meeting to the date. I know that was fast, but we both knew we were meant for each other, we both loved each other very much. The last 15 years together have been wonderful. I really can't imagine life without him. He took in my child as his own, raised her very well and set a great example for her. 

It is harder on the children when the parents are divorced, but I think it's worse when it is in a hostile environment with a lot of arguing or if there is no love to share. 

The choice is ultimately yours. At best, make this a long engagement. If you do love her in some way try moving in together and test the waters to see if this will work. If you truly don't love her, then let her know and move on. Don't rush into marriage even if money was spent. 

Good luck with being a new parent. Children are absolutely wonderful. I have 3 myself.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The best thing for a children is to be rasied in an intact family within a loving marriage.

Many people discover that they cannot provide this after trying it out for a period of time (months, years), and divorce.

But, if you cannot provide that knowingly form the get go, you should convince your girl to give up the baby for adoption.

Also of note is that an out of wedlock child makes it harder for either of you to provide an good intact, loving marriage to anyone else in the future.... Becuase the feelings of guilt / favoring one chlid over another etc., blended families, intrustion of the bio / mom and dad into a marriage..... All of these factors lead to a high divorce rate in 2nd marriages. And thus the impact to children is magnified and repeated if you have a follow on marriage and bring children into it.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

May as well chime in as part of the I-got-pregnant-then-married club. 

I, too, was trying to break up with him at the time I got pregnant. He was supposedly sterile and the pregnancy was a shock. 

I didn't ask him to marry me. We moved in together because I was so sick during the pregnancy and could no longer care for myself or go to work; and because of my age (thirties) and his (forties), eventually we just decided "Oh, this is it, last chance," may as well call this a family.

So we had two MORE kids and finally tied the knot. 

By that time I hated him. That sounds so harsh. But by then it was truer and truer that I should have left him when I had the urge. We were so wrong for each other. The divorce was hideous for all the reasons that being married to him was gruesome. 

Don't marry someone you haven't thoroughly vetted and feel good about on every level. 

Divorce, 'tis true, is quite expensive.... Far more, I assure you, than you have already invested in a wedding that should not go forward.

If I were you, I would quickly consult with an attorney in my state to find out what my parental rights would be without the marriage, and create a co-parenting agreement, including that it be subject to regular review at appropriate intervals or for appropriate reasons (such as educational decisions, health crises, and changes of residence). 

I wish I had done that. But I was completely naive.


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