# I messed up and don't know what to do



## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

Before reading this, keep in mind I want advice, not a lecture of how bad I am. I understand the magnatude of what happened.



My wife and I have been married 8 years. We have a beautiful baby daughter. People think we are the best couple and family. But our marriage is broken and one sided as far as I can tell. It's marred in her nasty mood swings which I can't handle anymore nor would she admit until just this week. It's all me doing everything she doesn't like to do and avoiding her so I don't feel bad about myself. I do all the cooking, all the clean up, changing and feeding the baby. Everything. I get up, get the baby ready for the day, feed her, go to work, come home, clean up the house, cook, clean up, put the baby to bed then I can relax at about 8:30 pm all while dancing around passive aggressive attitude to make me feel bad about myself, immasculate me and wear me down. I've had no desire to make love to my wife for the past 2 years. My family (eg mother and father) are practically barred from coming to the house. They get their token visits twice a year. I hate every aspect of it. This is my life.

I've tried to speak to her about all of this many many many times and get nothing but attitude and grief for suggesting there is a problem. In fact she accuses me of doing what she does, which is a blantant lie. This has been going on for 4 or 5 years minus the baby part. Usually these conversations end in accusing me of being a nasty body part to which I won't mention.

Recently I fell *deeply in love* with a woman whom I've worked with and know very well. I was clueless and never saw it coming. One day, I noticed her very differently. That was the end of me. This woman is the most beautiful woman in the world in every way, and I'm not exagerating. A beautiful soul. We've been having an awesome relationship/affair ever since. And it's based on a friendship from the beginning. I can't stop thinking about her. We love each other like crazy people and it makes me very sad we can't be together. We were made for each other.

My wife found clear evidence we were communicating outside work early in the affair, and it wasn't flattering. I thought she was going to call it quits right there, but didn't. She was livid, felt cheated and is suspicious but doesn't totally think this person would be with me. I told it was over. It wasn't and she found more evidence. It hasn't been pretty since. 

After the first time she caught us, perfect, I thought, "this is a great intervention, we could go to couples counciling, I'll admit it, I'll call the affair off, we'll sort out the original marrital issues and just maybe we can move forward." No dice. She refused councilling to the most significant crack in our marriage - me involved with another woman. We discussed it many times and the writing was on the wall: "NO." After the second time she caught me, we agreed to go to counselling. We've even had our first session.

Since this, she has made one concession after some long teary conversations. She isn't as nasty as she used to be. I'm not convinced this will last. I have also drawn a boundary - I *will not *go back to the miserable life I've lived for the past 4 years. And I mean it too, it's not negotiable.

Before my daughter was born, I had seriously considered leaving my wife. She got pregnant. I thought I could last until my daughter finished high school, then leave. Now, I feel like it's too little too late on my wife's behalf, it took another woman to get her attention and believe how terrible my life was - this makes me angry as I never would have gone down that road in the first place had my life been remotely fulfilling, not filled with nastiness but normal behaviour.

I want to do this right. My questions are:

How much longer should I give this last kick at the can?

Am I giving this marriage everything it deserves before I call a lawyer?

If I haven't given it everything it deserves before calling a lawyer, what do I need to do make sure every stone is turned?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

At least one full year. Continue to go to counselling, stop all contact, end the affair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you still having an affair? Or did you end all contact with tehe other woman?

Is the other woman married/partnered?

You took the coward's way. Harsh but true. If you were so miserable you could have left long ago before you got your wife pregnant. But you brought a baby into this now.

Stay or go--what do you want? If you don't want to be married to your wife, at least respect her enough to end the marriage instead of pretending you want to work it out when you don't. If you want to work it out, you must sever all ties with the woman who helped betray your marriage. Completely and forever. 

Don't be surprised if your relationship with the OW loses it's luster and isn't as fun when you don't have to hide it anymore and if it's riddled with trust issues.

You made this mess, so now you have to clean it up.

DO NOT string your wife along if you are done. 

You may get more replies in the Coping with Infidelity section so I'd post there if I were you.


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## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

Yes the OW is.

I disagree it was the "cowards way out." You are right that I could have left however I wanted it to work so badly that I was trying everything I could to make her happy. It wasn't until after the baby was born that I realized it didn't matter what I did, she's not going to change. I love my wife and worked extremely hard to get us on track for a very very long time.

I have to be able to look my daughter in the eye and say "I truly tried to make it work." That's why I want to make sure I'm not leaving any stone unturned. If during this process we can fix our marriage, I will look back at this time in my life and be greatful of the right decisions. Otherwise we are finished. I've been through too much to just throw in the towel.





Jellybeans said:


> Are you still having an affair? Or did you end all contact with tehe other woman?
> 
> Is the other woman married/partnered?
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*I disagree it was the "cowards way out."*

You can disagree all you want but you did take the coward's/pvssy way out. Time for you to own it and be hit with Reality. It's the truth.

OW is married. Oh boy. I am assuminng she has children, too. 

Did you end the affair or not??? If you are still having an affair, don't waste your time in marriage counselling and put up a front of your wife. That is useless. MC is for people who want to repair their marriage, not pretend they want to repair it and continue their affairs. Also, if you are having an affair, you can't possibly look at your daughter in the eye and say you tried everything to restore your marriage. Doesn't work that way.

Does the OW's husband know?


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## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

So you think that when someone tries really hard to fix their marriage, they took the cowards/pvssy way out? The affair didn't happen until this year. I've been working on our marriage for years.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Gads...I don't even know where to start on this. I'm deferring to you JB.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

To truly say you have done everything possible to save this marriage, you need to end the affair, forever, go to counselling, and give it ALL your efforts for a whole year.
You cannot work on your marriage if you are involved with someone else. It happened. You asked what was necessary to really say you've done everything you could, the obvious answer is to end the affair and go to counselling. If after one year you are still not happy, then leave. The woman you fell in love with is also married.

Here's an obsevation. As a woman... I could never trust someone who had a relationship with me while he was married. Why would I ever marry him? He's already proven that he is capable of being unfaithful. 
And don't you feel the same way about her? It's a no win situation.


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## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

Thank you for your candid insight. I truly appreciate it. 

This issue of trust you mentioned in your last paragraph is interesting. Clearly I'm on the other side of the fence. However I know I never would have considered it had my home life been 1/2 decent. In fact I had been solicited by a number of women over the years and never once flinched, considered or anything remotely infidelitous. If it were possible, I would bet a truck load of money on it not happening if our home life was 1/2 decent. 

Do I think the OW would cheat? I can't say for certain. But happy realationships don't tend to have these problems no?

You believe a) end the affair, b) go to counselling for 1 year and c) give it 100% attention - is a reasonable criteria and timeframe?

Why 1 year - why not 2 years or 9 months? And is 1 year enough time to explore everything and let the dust settle?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I say one year because that covers all the seasons. Lives change when work is busy versus vacations, and that covers all the important holidays & family times.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Displeased said:


> Recently I fell *deeply in love* with a woman whom I've worked with and know very well. I was clueless and never saw it coming. One day, I noticed her very differently. That was the end of me. This woman is the most beautiful woman in the world in every way, and I'm not exagerating. A beautiful soul. We've been having an awesome relationship/affair ever since. And it's based on a friendship from the beginning. I can't stop thinking about her. We love each other like crazy people and it makes me very sad we can't be together. We were made for each other.


Just an FYI

This is the dopamine talking, being in an affair is like being on drugs and makes you irrational and a bit delusional. You are in the honeymoon stage and given time your perspective of the OW will change to something more reality based. Affairs are nothing but fantasies.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you found your soulmate. There's a good reason 97% of affairs die within 2 years. Reality creeps in and kills the fantasy.


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## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

deejov said:


> I say one year because that covers all the seasons. Lives change when work is busy versus vacations, and that covers all the important holidays & family times.


Excellent point.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Displeased said:


> *So you think that when someone tries really hard to fix their marriage, they took the cowards/pvssy way out?* The affair didn't happen until this year. I've been working on our marriage for years.


No. I think when someone has an affair instead of solving the problems within their marriage they haven taken the coward's/pvssy way out. 

I know it because I did it. 

You cannot at all focus on your marriage as long as OW is in the picture. It's. Not. Possible. 

At all.

And don't delude yourself either thinking constant contact with her isn't throwing a hex on your problems at home which is why nearly every word you've spoken here about your wife has been negative. 

They don't call it a Script for nothing. And you are speaking from it directly.



pidge70 said:


> Gads...I don't even know where to start on this. I'm deferring to you JB.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That fog is THICK, isn't it? 



deejov said:


> Here's an obsevation. As a woman... I could never trust someone who had a relationship with me while he was married. Why would I ever marry him? He's already proven that he is capable of being unfaithful.
> And don't you feel the same way about her? It's a no win situation.


BINGO! OP can't see it now cause he's in the thick of it. But it's true. 

The entire foundation of your relationship w/ OW is rooted on hiding and deception and betrayal. The entire foundation of your relationship with this woman was built on the back of two marriages and two families. That is a lot of people. 

You will get a ton more responses in Coping with Infidelity (forum/section on here).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Displeased said:


> This issue of trust you mentioned in your last paragraph is interesting. Clearly I'm on the other side of the fence. ?


Actually, you are on the same side as OW. You are both married, with children, and are straight up betraying your spouses, deceiving them. The people on the other side of the fence are your wife, her husband, and all of your children.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Displeased,
You may completely believe that are in love with this woman.
Try to give this some thought :
You do not even really know her.
This is not really a true relationship.

I say this because you do not live with her, know all of her moods, how she interacts with her family, you only see bits and pieces of her, and it's most likely the good parts that she wants to show you.

If you only saw your wife when she was excited, thrilled, and giving you 100% of her attention for 3 hours with no interruptions, you would fall deeply in love with her too. Until life interferred.

I wish you luck. Do yourself a favor and resolve your OWN conflicts in life so you don't carry it to the next relationship. Not for your marriage, but for yourself.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Ok..

Did you ever try to see why she was so miserable? Im sure it didnt just come out of nowhere. Maybe she herself suffers from an imbalance or something like that. 

BUT I do think you should have left her long ago. There is NO reason why two people should cohabit, and raise a child if they are miserable with one another. Your kid is gonna feel the stress of your marriage, no matter how hard you try to keep it away from her.


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## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

At least once a month for the past 4 years I've been bringing up how I can't handle the behaviour. She brushed it off as me being difficult. She had heard everything many times. 

When we were at the therapists office last week, I reiterated again and she said "Oh, I didn't realize how much it affected you." This was the first time she admitted to doing this to me.

Additionally I also put down a new boundary and said "no more I will not live like that again." Since then she's been behaving nicely but I can already see some cracks and I think she's just changed it from that to tears whenever she wants the same effect as before. I'm suspicious.






Nikki1023 said:


> Ok..
> 
> Did you ever try to see why she was so miserable? Im sure it didnt just come out of nowhere. Maybe she herself suffers from an imbalance or something like that.
> 
> BUT I do think you should have left her long ago. There is NO reason why two people should cohabit, and raise a child if they are miserable with one another. Your kid is gonna feel the stress of your marriage, no matter how hard you try to keep it away from her.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It's not going to be easy if you are not willing to accept that she is trying, and looking for cracks and expecting it will not last. 
Are you willing to forgive the past and accept her?
Does your wife know about the affair?


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## Displeased (Sep 30, 2011)

Oh yes she knows nearly everything. She found very unflattering emails. Very unflattering.

Yes I recognize she's not the nasty person she was 2 months ago. And I tell her that nearly every day. It's like someone recovering from post-traumatic-stress-disorder can't just believe everything is safe and be happy. That's where I am right now, and that's why I'm here asking for other people's insight.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If you are serious about reconcilling with her, maybe you should post something in the Coping with Infidelity thread, people who have gone through this may have some insight. 

I have not ever been in the situation of reconcilling after an affair. Years ago, I was engaged and discovered a very serious affair, and did not choose to repair the relationship. I broke it off, forever. I was recovering in the hospital from a serious accident when it started (and physically unable to have sex so he went elsewhere). We were both young, and I forgave him. But chose not to marry him. 

So in my opinion, I personally feel that if your spouse if even willing to work on this with you... you are VERY lucky. Please keep that in mind. And it might take a lot longer than 2 months. 

I hope others here are able to provide insight into what she might be going through.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh I feel for you... What a mess you are in... sorry to say, but I think it is going to only get worst before it gets better... 

Infidelity, relationships, marriages, separations, divorce,... not for the sissy!!! It's all so messy... 

Remember the poster "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"... well... it takes on a completely different meaning when a life changing event takes place...

That is why , I believe , when *those who come before us*, speak, I listen...there is no timeline... sadly, there is only time... 

~sammy


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Another cheat scene. "Adios, marriage." Like rats, there are plenty of you out there. Yep, plague carrying vermin. Destroyers of lives...

Karma will win out...

Have a crappy day...


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I love how he places the blame for his cheating squarely on his wife's shoulders. If it was you I was married to, the only crack you'd be seeing would be the one in the side of your head from my boot.


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