# Words of Encourage or Advice Needed



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Would appreciate any helpful, positive comments I can get.

If you've read my other post(s), you know I'm dealing with a spouse that has physical and mental issues (brain injury). He's in counseling, I'm in counseling and we're in counseling together - so that's covered.

But I find myself at a wall and apathetic about the current state of things and don't know how to pull myself up.

We had gotten things sexually back on track due to his injuries (a lot of different experimentation) and I felt that things were going well in that respect, then WHAM! I approached him for some sexual time and he says "get the hell away from me." So, I'm thinking just not in the mood, mood issues since the brain injury so I can deal. Well, the next day he has a seizure, then surgery so of course I stay away - definitely not in the mood or capable during all that. I wait until he's feeling better and then ask for some "time together." He won't even discuss it or think about it, says he's tired. I then ask (and yes it was calmly and nicely, chose my words carefully) don't you miss it and I get a "no, I don't." So then, without additional feedback because he then shuts me out, I'm wondering is it me, what, what?

I do notice that he is not surfing porn like he used to - he maybe goes out a couple of times a week just to download (used to be every day, look, download, etc.), so that's a change, then he's not interested - so - could they be related? He's had two medication changes, could that be it?

All I know is I'm married and lonely. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is temporary due to the seizure, surgery, meds change, etc. I have no intention on straying, but trying to figure out how to keep my sanity - I know he's sick.

So,

- How do I deal with the extreme loneliness I feel?
- He gets mad when I bring up sex at all, is it me? I don't know how to approach him anymore without him getting angry.
- Is it him (all the issues) and I'm taking it too personally?
- If it's not me, then why look at porn at all if he "doesn't miss it?" Because he doesn't have to "perform" with them?

I probably know the answers to my questions, but I desperately need some words of encouragement and/or advice (from others who have been or are there) - counselor can only do so much, he's having sex with his wife...:lol:

Thanks in advance!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Make that Words of Encouragement or Advice Needed. Typed too fast!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mwil, you really really need to be talking about this with a professional. We are way underprepared to give you proper advice on this situation.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I already mentioned in my original post that he's in counseling, I'm in counseling and we're in counseling together. My counselor is already aware of this.

What I'm looking for is anyone who has been or is in my situation. My counselor can only do so much, he's NOT in my situation - I'm trying to learn how to deal with it and hang on...not looking for any professional advice, already getting that.

Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, you're right. I just figured they would have dealt with these things more than us. What about some support groups?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

*Re: Words of Encouragement or Advice Needed*

We're both in separate support groups also...but, no one in the group is dealing with the type of situation I am so while they and the counselor can offer advice to how to react/deal and what he might be going through, NO ONE is going through it.

So I'm mainly looking for anyone who HAS BEEN or IS THERE now - their the ones that can offer me the most sound encouragement or advice because they know what I'm dealing with and how I'm feeling.

So...anyone out there want to help?

Thanks!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can not say I have been or ever experienced what you are going though. I can only imagine how difficult, even heart wrenching this must be. 

What happened to your husband? 

I do have a book entitled "Sex on the Brain" that talks some about how , when a spouse, has a brain injury, how it can affect them pernamently. Even if we breath in too much toxic fumes, it can affect behavior after many years. This particular book's focus is supposed to be about sex, but it was more about the mechanics of the BRAIN itself. The Auther does Brain scans & many many times , our behaviors have to do with OVER Activity in the brain, or UNDER activity in the brain- which certain meds can correct, or in brain injuries, things are not connecting, and it DOES affect the way we act, repsond, think, our life, even our relationships. 

Here is his most famous book that focus's on the BRAIN itself, I would think this would cover more on Brain injuries. 

Amazon.com: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness (9780812929980): Daniel G. Amen: Books

I know this is unrelated to your questions, I would feel that this is NOT you at all, but him & the changes that have taken place, his reactions are different. But this doesnt make it any easier to cope, I realize. You still have needs, desires, you are greiving something that has been lost. 

Amazingly, many medications can affect the brain (these books by Dr Amen discuss this in great detail) , hopefully something can work for him to get him closer to where he was. 

I can see your NEED for others going through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about forums for people with the same issue? You're not as likely to find anyone with the same story here as you would be there.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks to those that have posted some great encouragement. 

On the caregiver front, I agree - my doctor believes I'm experiencing a phase of caregiver burnout. All the symptoms are there, I'm trying to use tools that will help me get over this hump. Looking back, I can see that I've been through this at least twice this year.

Totally agree on grieving something that is lost. I have been in grief mode on several fronts since his brain injury. While I know that things will never go back to where they were, I'm trying to accept and deal with my "new normal" as I now refer to it as. But it's extremely hard when that closeness and intimacy is lost and you have to regroup and find new ways and methods to express it.

I did have a breakthrough this weekend though. I decided I needed him, period. Didn't matter what he needed or wanted, I wanted and needed him and took the bull by the horns so to speak. Told him that what I needed I could only get from him and that I wasn't asking anymore, I was taking what I needed and he could just lay there and do what I tell him, that was fine - but that I wasn't going without intimacy anymore. What do you know, he didn't argue and I got what I needed - not what I used to get, things have changed, but what I needed. I've been the agressor before, but maybe based on the state of his brain, I need to take charge in this area and make it happen.

Will continue this method and see how it works out.

Again - thanks everyone!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey good for you.......hope it works out for you and your husband.....
what a difference a day makes...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks, we'll see if this method works...I'm worn out trying to readjust, figure out what does/does not work and making sure that our marriage survives this crisis.

They say you can tell the true strength of your relationship when it is truly tested. We are definitely being tested, and since I'm not the one that is sick, a lot of it is falling on my shoulders...in sickness and in health has truly taken on a new meaning for me.

And to answer a previous question, my husband has suffered a closed head injury and several seizures post-injury, it's caused a lot of problems in a lot of areas - personality, thought process, memory, vision, weakness in the leg and arm of his left side, speech issues and swallowing problems - so he has a LOT of problems and has become pretty self-focused, which I understand is not unusual in his condition. He has flat told me that he has so many issues and things to work on that he just can't focus on anyone else and their feelings, including mine - my counselor told me this is normal, he is focused on recovery and having a quality of life in his current state - but, it would sure make it easier if he didn't shut me out so often - I'm not in his position so I can't truly understand, just know it hurts and am working on learning tools to deal with that and not take everything so personally - my counselor's mantra - IT'S NOT PERSONAL, but it sure feels like it.

I just miss who he was and what we had - know that is essentially over as he's 1.5 years out and they have stated that he has recovered as much as he is probably going to. Still in the grieving process, have accepted "most" of what my new normal is, but don't think I've really accepted all of it, I keep hoping...gotta have some hope though, if not, then what do you have?

It's just that I could always, no matter what, count on our closeness and intimacy when the chips were down, now that has been affected too and I almost feel like I have nothing to fall back on.

Oh well, guess I'll save that for my next counselling session...never thought my life would be like this at 50 - a word to all of you out there - cherish what you have TODAY, because it could be taken away tomorrow without warning!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I went to therapy yesterday, and everything centered around my husband and how I have to carry the weight in the family, and how frustrated I am, how I just wish I had a husband I could depend on, who would take care of ME for a change. Every piece of advice the therapist gave me centered on ME taking charge of this or that, and it just made me more depressed that I have to be the one doing it all. My situation is nothing as dire as yours, but I do get the feeling of aloneness.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You need a new counselor! Your counselor should be focused on what is happening in your marriage, how you feel about it, provide you tools to help you deal with the issues and make yourself feel better - notice I said YOU several times. If the counselor is focused on how you have failed and that you have to make things better, carry the load, etc., then he/she is not doing their job.

My counselor focuses on ME - how I'm feeling, how I can help the situation with my husband, how I can focus on myself more and carve out a life for me that makes me feel better (hobbies, etc.) to ensure I don't totally burnout and lose it. In other words, he doesn't spend time telling me what I should do to make my HUSBAND feel better, he helps me see what I can do to improve any situations I find myself in and how to make myself feel better about me and my life.

So...if you feel more depressed after seeing your counselor, you need a new counselor - I always feel better after seeing mine - he pumps me up, helps me to accept things and look at them from a different perspective, etc.

Hope you find someone that makes you feel better AFTER the session is over, not worse!

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, that's not what I meant. I went in wishing for a magic pill, you know, and she basically said I have to be honest with him, and tell him I can't stay in a marriage where he doesn't help. She gave me steps to take to take care of our debt, since he has his head in the sand about it, since it's the money issue that's giving me panic attacks. 

She wasn't saying I failed, she was telling me how to get out of the financial mess, and how to talk to him to get him to tackle our house full of junk. She thinks he's a hoarder, and that, because he won't tackle a project unless he can finish it, he never starts anything - it's all too big to deal with. We've been married 30 years. We have a 3-car garage that is filled to the ceiling with junk he won't release and won't let me touch. His office is the same way - every piece of electronics he's ever owned, still in there. And he won't get rid of paper, so he's filled up all of his dresser drawers and his side table drawers, under the bed and under the dresser, and two cabinets in the kitchen, just with paper he won't go through. Not counting all the boxes of papers from years past. He still has his sales receipts from his sales job in the 70s - several boxes worth. Our attic is filled with the empty boxes from every product we've ever bought. Sometimes I wish we'd have a fire.

I say I'm depressed because I was hoping she would say something about what he would do for ME, but she says I first have to set some boundaries. And she's right.

I have a friend who didn't marry til she was 40 - waiting for a guy as wonderful as her dad. Well, the guy she got was anything but - bad credit, can't save, can't fix anything, can't keep a job. She told me once she's just so sad that all she wanted was a man to take care of her, and instead she has to take care of him. That's how I feel. My husband works like a dog, very responsible. But all the other areas...it's gotta be me putting my foot down.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Glad to hear it, sorry I misunderstood! Got up on my soap box - nightmares about counselors that do more harm than good and there's a bunch of them out there.

My husband has a bit of a hoarder issue also, but, from your post, not as severe (no papers and boxes), but he collects items too. Almost drove me crazy, but I just let it go and made sure it was kept in "his" part of the house (garage and man cave) - I've managed to keep it out of the remainder of the house...so I do have some breathing room - good luck with that.

You know, I think that a lot of us women choose men that we feel need us (we are the go-getters, the aggressors), and at first, its a great feeling, but as the marriage goes on, it feels more like taking care of a grown child and as we age, we want someone to take care of us, especially after the children are gone, but by then its too late. I have the same problem, I've been the take charge wife and my husband was all too happy to give up that role early in the marriage as it was less work for him. Well the kids have been gone and its just us, I'm 50 and I want someone to take care of me and then boom, he had the health emergency and now he not only needs me as his wife, but as a nurse, caregiver, etc. So now its worse, its like I have a grown disabled child and I keep thinking is this all there is to the rest of my life?

So, like you, I am struggling to hang on - if I didn't love my husband I could easily walk and make it someone else's problem, but, I do and it's not his fault, so I'm in counseling, on medication, have lost weight due to the stress and now require a sleeping pill - someone might have to take care of me soon if this keeps on. :rofl:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have friends? Make sure you have 'me' time.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi MarriedWifeInLove,
My FIL developed dementia and then Alzheimer’s. He became a very “changed man”. Aggressive, antagonistic all that stuff. My MIL was the main caregiver. She was having immense difficulty dealing with a changed man. Then she found help through an Alzheimer’s support group and it made a huge difference to her. Maybe something like that will help you.

Bob


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, I am actually in a support group for this purpose - go weekly, then to individual counselling too - doing all the right things, trying to take care of myself so I can take care of him, but it gets lonely sometimes and isolating.

To be perfectly honest, I could handle EVERYTHING if the intimacy and sexual relationship was still the same - but its not, good, but different and not as frequent and that just adds a cloud to everything else.

So I'm trying to get through that, take a different approach and quit obsessing about what I've lost so much. I've let certain things go and accepted them, but I know I haven't accepted everything but I am trying...it's just so hard to accept that what you've known and trusted is gone, it's like a death - hope the grieving and acceptance process doesn't take too much longer, it's starting to take a heavy toll on me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You are doing all the right things. I used to be a supporter. When I saw a carer amongst my parents, Aunts and Uncles I used to take care of the carer.

Have you something very special in your life? Some thing that’s blissful and enjoyable? Those things are usually “the arts”. Painting, opera, plays, writing poetry, writing lyrics for songs, pottery. Maybe it’s time for you, if you haven’t already, to get yourself a hobby. Something to put your creativity and passion into. Just for you.

Bob


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