# big disappointment



## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I'm married for 8 months, and this marriage is nothing that I thought it would be.. 
We just argue and fight most of the time.. Everybody says this supposed to be the best time, while we're still 'freshly in love', but I don't feel it at all..
My husband and I are from different countries, and my native language isn't english.. So when I tried to express my self, somethimes I do it in a wrong way which he takes as an insult.. He is just on of those men that think he is always right and doesn't listen to me or anyone else about anything.. He is also very stubborn, so there is no argument with him.. When we have an issue, and I start talking he just leaves the room, or says 'I don't think we have an issue'.. He thinks I'm making an elephant out of a fly.. 
Also I am doing most of the work in the house, and since we're both not working at this time, he is always home.. But he's not doing his share of house work, and when I say something about it, he takes it like a personal attack, goes to defencive mode, and that's the end of it.. Or if he does, it takes days for him to do anything.. I also tried to give him 'silent treatmants', thinking that he's actually gonna think of why am I quiet, and at the end he gets mad at me.. I tried to talked to him about everything, and when he does listen, he says that he's gonna try to change some things, try to change himself, but I don't even see him trying to.. Sometimes, after some major argument it doesn't take long for him to do the same thing all over again, sometimes only hours.. I even told him, couple of times that I'm not happy in this marriage, I feel like we're fighting all the time, and this is not the way it suppose to be.. And then he tries for a day or two, and then its the same all over again.. 
He said to me couple of times that its my fault that we're fighting cause I'm over reacting to anything, that I love to nag him, fight all the time and make his life miserable.. 
That really hurted, cause I do love him and the reason why I'm trying to express my opinion is cause I don't want us to keep fighting over and over same things..
The thing is that he wasn't like this before we got married, and I really believed that I could spend my life with this man.. But lately I'm catching myself actually thinking about a divorce.. You know, better now then when everything gets out control.. After only 8 moths of marriage!! And then I hate my self for it.. 
Could somebody help me, please??


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor or member of the clergy? Have you read any marriage/self help books? I think you and your spouse may be spending too much time together. Are either of you looking for employment?


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

We are both starting our new jobs in May.. I haven't read any books.. And marriage counselor, I thought about it, and subtly tried to ask him what he thinks, and he didn't really had positive reaction to it.. I think we spend too much time together too, I hope once we start working it will be better, but my main worry is our comunication.. I'm affraid that if we let this go now, its the way its gonna be..


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Can't really see anything here worth getting divorced over. You both need to get used to each other and get your expectations aligned. That always takes some time.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I probably am little over dramatic about it, I just pictured this much different.. Not all milk and honey, of course, but I don't think this amount of fighting is really normal.. Maybe I should read some marriage books.. Would anyone recomend me something, or should I just go ahead and start with anything I can get my hands on?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

At this point I think _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman would be a great place to start. It seems as though you and your husband are past that initial "in love" stage. The book will help you recapture that feeling and hopeful the fighting will subside.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I'll look into it.. Thank you..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If its any consolation my H and I fought like cats and dogs the first three years of marriage. Things are much better for us now but it was certainly a rocky start. Its been five years now and I feel like we are entering the honey moon phase. I feel like we are just starting to get to know each other. So hang in there. there's no set rules on how things should be. 

I think you guys are spending way too much time together. Hopefully after you start your jobs you wont fight as much.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

Thanks, Blanka.. That gives me hope, when you know there are more cases similar yo yours, you know.. But how did you had will and streinght to fight that long? This situation is making me sad a lot, cause no mather what I say he acts like I'm attacing him and just starts a fight, even when I just mention something that I was just thinking about..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sulin said:


> Thanks, Blanka.. That gives me hope, when you know there are more cases similar yo yours, you know.. But how did you had will and streinght to fight that long?


I fought that long because what choice did I have? I could leave, true, but i wasnt ready to leave so i really didnt have any other options. it was either fight for my sanity or go insane. i tried the insane part and it didnt work out too well. things got a lot better when i started turning to myself for solutions and stopped expecting him to make me feel better. 



Sulin said:


> This situation is making me sad a lot, cause no mather what I say he acts like I'm attacing him and just starts a fight, even when I just mention something that I was just thinking about..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


my H and I have horrible communication, too. its usually me getting upset and him walking away like its no big deal. it does hurt a lot. ive spent most of these years learning to cope with him walking away. Here is one exercise I learned that has helped dramatically. Next time you want to talk about something personal, something you need from him, want him to change, etc, anything that isnt just superficial chat, make sure you tell him you want to talk about something personal and ASK him if he can respond. Be specific about the response you need and ask him if he can respond the way you need. Be very clear that what you want to talk about means a lot to you and that his response means a lot to you. Get a timer and set it at 10 mins and ask him if he can respond for ten minutes or if he will walk away. This is really important. You must give him a choice. He must be free to say No to you. If he says No, drop it. The next time you need to talk ask him if it is OK to approach him about it again, with the same conditions as before. Putting a time limit on it is important.

Asking him is as much for him and the relationship as it is for you. Its important to ask because you dont want to open up, put yourself out there emotionally, only to be shut out. if you stop putting yourself out there emotionally the pain will diminish and the tension in the relationship will drop. This isnt an immediate solution, though. Its just a small first step that will help dramatically over time. It took me years.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I see you know exactly what I'm talking about.. 
I will try that excercise, but I was wondering, if he says NO to a serten theme that I want to discuss once, what will make him say Yes on the second, or third time..? Cause there are some things that I can't let go and feel we should do together as a husband and wife.. He thinks that any time I approche him with something I have my mind set, and whatever he says its eventually gonna be the way I wanted.. Which I gave him an opportunity to prove me wrong, many times, only we never got to the end of the issue.. We just start fighting and then its over..


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## Heinz Doofenshmirtz (Apr 12, 2011)

Sulin,

If you feel what he's doing is unintentional, then I think you should keep trying to work things out with him.

But, if you think he's doing it on purpose and/or he is simply being abusive, you need to get out now before it gets worse and you've invested so much that getting out is that much harder to do.

Just my two cents.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

He's not doing it on purpose, I'm sure.. He is a very good person, but I think its just a lack of interests.. I can tell him that something bothers me and he's gonna forget about it in a couple of days.. That's what's bother me.. It seams he's just not interested enough.. The thing is I know that he loves me.. A lot.. I just don't understand why wouldn't he try harder then???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sulin said:


> I see you know exactly what I'm talking about..
> I will try that excercise, but I was wondering, if he says NO to a serten theme that I want to discuss once, what will make him say Yes on the second, or third time..? Cause there are some things that I can't let go and feel we should do together as a husband and wife.. He thinks that any time I approche him with something I have my mind set, and whatever he says its eventually gonna be the way I wanted.. Which I gave him an opportunity to prove me wrong, many times, only we never got to the end of the issue.. We just start fighting and then its over..


These are great questions. And remember this process takes awhile and the further you get in the process the more questions you will have. Believe it or not the uncertainty you feel is a good place to be. 



Sulin said:


> if he says NO to a serten theme that I want to discuss once, what will make him say Yes on the second, or third time..?


Because by asking him instead of demanding from him you will change the energy in the relationship. You'll start to show him that you respect him instead of treating him like an object of your happiness. He might not be able to handle you emotionally and that needs to be OK. If he says no and you resent him you wont be changing the energy in the relationship, though. you must allow him the freedom to say no without punishing him with negative energy. Respect him as a person that is completely free of what you need. Once he starts to feel respected again, and not like an object of your happiness, he'll start to be more receptive to what you have to say. but of course, it takes time.



Sulin said:


> Cause there are some things that I can't let go and feel we should do together as a husband and wife..


Right now your goal is to build a strong foundation. To do this you need to prioritize your needs before you approach him. Make a list of things you want that are not that important to you all the way up to the things that are most important to you. This will be your list of goals to accomplish over a year or two. You will start by approaching him about the least important issue on your list. Remember to ask like i said in the other post. its really important that you let him know that its important to you. If he agrees limit yourself to ten minutes, once a week. Let him see the timer. He will feel relieved, believe me. I know that sounds miniscule and not enough, but you have to take it slow right now because there's so much negativity to overcome. You're trying to change the dynamic. You want to keep the conversation short enough that it doesnt emotionally drain anyone or end up in deleterious fighting. If your H doesnt feel emotionally drained he will be more inclined to talk to you. 

This first step can take some months to develop because of all the tension and confusions. But stick with it. You will find that over the months you will feel better little by little. there will be small rays of hope that things are getting better. hang on to those. once you start to have calm conversations then you can move up your priority list. You can see why I said this takes a long time. 

Here's a website that can help guide you with wording when talking to your H about what you need: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
Just scroll down a little to where it says, "Formula for emotionally honest communication." Stick to this formula strictly and listen to yourself for any deviations from the formula. 

This is the first phase in a very long emotional journey. Its the hardest step because you have to back off significantly and that can feel like defeat. But its not! I promise. When you back off you're going to feel intense resentment. All that intense negative energy that you feel is what was coursing through you during conversations. You must get rid of it. During this time you will spend most, if not all your energy on finding peace in your life again. Find things that make you happy and give you joy. I went back to school and made a bucket list of things i wanted to do. I went sky diving and am trying to get healthy again. I focus on any negativity i feel in me and search everywhere, other then my H, to get rid of it. The conversations with your H are very short right now because he is not the focus. You have to focus on you and making yourself happy again. Hopefully getting jobs will help in that respect.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I don't know how to thank you for this.. I read, and reread this message several times.. And it sounds better and better every time.. Hopefull.. We actually had our first '10 min' conversation the other day..  It was pretty good.. And we were actually done in 10 min.. No fighting or sulling for 3 more days after.. I realise its just a first step, like you said, but I feel positive about this.. Besides, we are getting pretty excited about the jobs and working, so there is a healthy feeling in the air..  

Again, thank you sooooo much for this wonderfull advice..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sulin said:


> We actually had our first '10 min' conversation the other day..  It was pretty good.. And we were actually done in 10 min.. No fighting or sulling for 3 more days after.. I realise its just a first step, like you said, but I feel positive about this.. Besides, we are getting pretty excited about the jobs and working, so there is a healthy feeling in the air..
> 
> Again, thank you sooooo much for this wonderfull advice..


:smthumbup: Hey that's great! im happy for you. Just remember, if you feel tension in the air you have to back off not plunge forward. find peace in your heart and mind again, and then approach him. Good luck with the new jobs!


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